Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Going with the Tilt

(Mind you, this is stream of consciousness writing, edited only for gross typos.)

Sarah finds she can only negotiate when her head is in turmoil. This is her most advantageous position. When she is grounded. When she is energetic, when she is heartened to her own life there is too much space for listening. Turmoil hones the mind and the thoughts. With turmoil the adrenals are working overtime and assist the process, keep the edge on the game. Without this, she is flaccid. Not to be taken seriously.

Or so she has always believed. Lately the story is changing. This new Sarah, this new paradigm is confusing. When she addresses her colleagues or approaches a new business negotiation she is regarded as strong yet with an edge of sweetness unheard of in the past. People respond differently to this person and she is not sure how to understand the change. Is it good? Is it to her advantage? Can she trust herself in this new role?

When this began she was aware of a change in the light, as though the earth suddenly took a new direction in it paths around the sun, a new tilt. That exact feeling is what she had inside. A new tilt. A new light. A new perspective. It wasn’t unpleasant or even surprising, just different. And when one has honed their presentation and work habits surprising can be disturbing. She no longer knew how to regard her actions or evaluate her work, her approach.

When John first noticed it wasn’t his own demeanor but his unspoken response. A response he claims he was entirely unaware of and still questions its like she claims. When he latched on to her words he became mesmerized. Suddenly, the notion of her taking such action thrilled him in a way unexpected. There was a certain calm along with a rising tension that equated to an exquisite reaction within his own body. He got an erection and still does when he remembers that moment.

Some power, some force came from Sarah in a new way. Hers and yet bounded on all sides with a reinforcement that baffled explanation. Goddess energy comes to mind. As though the goddess energy possessed – no, not possessed, came forward at long last. An ancient and archetypal energy moved through her and her words, through action and through a dynamism that he has yet to find words for. Primal. Earth beginning. Whole and perfect. Powerful and magnificient, and yet, there she was, the same Sarah, the same hair, smile, mannerisms he’d known his whole life and yet magnified, back lit, enforced.

She, herself sensed not so much a force or power but a disturbance in her equilibrium, much like standing in a river and the current pulling at the legs threatening to pull them away downstream. From her perspective it came with an urgency she too still struggled to explain. Today it simply irritated her. There is work to be done and this unstableness aka power was getting in the way. It forced attention to itself and cluttered matters.

When Spring came around there was a heightening of the energy This was her season. How she knew this she had no idea, yet it was clear, this was her season. From this point on it was only a matter of letting the energy pull itself along and she announced on day she was quitting the business.

What?! Of course you can take some time but quit? What can this mean to a person who has built thir entire life and the strengths and aspects of her business acumen? What can this possibly mean to those who are yet to understand her new direction. Heck she had no idea herself yet the path was clear. Some confort in that at least. The clarity breached all doubt and question. When asked what she would do next she simply shrugged with managed to confound and infuriate her partners.

To this day they will not speak to her. No matter, she is long past that life and well into the next. This next world is one of powerful intuition and a healing that is yet to be resolved. This time is hers to answer or not. This is the time in her incubation where whatever happens is as it should be and she does not question.

Within her heart there is a singing. A song has penetrated her body and into her bones. The singing has no words or even a tone. Is simply is. It fills the crevasses and enters her breath. It latches onto her words and flows with the air from her speaking. It is a song the world has been waiting for. She is accustomed now to its presence though it has yet told her what it is for or what, if anything, it is to become. For now she simply experiences it and trusts to it.

Now, when it comes to the world at large she has become an anomaly, an oddity. Funny, this causes her no concern whatsoever. The old version of her would be horrified and yet this version is perfectly content to experience the song and wait to see how it might end or to what beginning it might spawn. This is how her spring began.

Today, it is Tuesday and she has begun a new regime. Her attention in taken by her own inner musings in a new way. The thoughts tumble as they have most of her life and yet there is a pattern emerging. This time the pattern begins to fill out and find form rather than continue to grow wrangling roots. This feeling is one with purpose.

She waits by the hour simply feeling this new sensation. Others watch yet do not disturb or even question her anymore. There is no understanding within her that can explain to anything outside of her so she simply stays with the feeling, certain she can do nothing else until it expresses the right moment.

Tomorrow is her anniversary. It has been one year since the planet, her particular planet anyway, tilted. This day marks the moment when her life became something larger that her own concerns and her desires. In the passing months she has let go of most desires. She waits with a silence undisturbed. She is content within the song, with the timing, with the unfolding.

When winter comes there is a change. Tides change in a regular pattern and her own patterns are taking a tidal turn. She feels it inside. Her attention is taken to her most common needs that of feeding, relieving herself and taking note of her immediate environment. It’s as if she has awakened from a long sleep, a long dream without images or memory. This is the time of her new beginning. The incubation has completed. Now it will begin.

Today marks a new paradigm, not just her own but of the world. Her place is set and her need to be at the table is certain. She is the embodiment of change. She has created within her own body the practical evidence of change. Not a child as such incubations may suggest but a new beginning and it began within her. Her nurturance was only the beginning and now it will take form. Her excitement is intense and yet she still has no clear directive as to what is next, if there is anything she is expected to do. Still expectation fills her. It is her time.

When spring hints once again there is completion. There is now this time to view the past and contend with the future in an entirely new way. This day marks the new millennium as was foretold. Today is her reason for being. Today she is accepting her charge.

When the windows fog over it indicates yet another cold day and yet the frost has lost its power. Nothing can withstand the forces of spring emerging. This is the new beginning. This is the new world and her part is about to be played.

Will she live through the experience? She has no idea. There is no clarity of what is to unfold only that there is an unfolding and her part is vital. What will become of her after is of no concern here. This is a foretold time and she might hope to understand once her life has returned to the larger wholeness. Yet, for now she leans into the feeling and waits expectantly.

Today is the day. This is the moment she has been awaiting. It is clear beyond question. The yearning in her beckons and finds relief by knowing it is now, the time has come. With this thought she takes her hand and whisks a stroke across the air. In front of her opens a door way or a path misty and pristine. This path has always been here. This path has waited millenniums to be put to service.

When she takes a step onto the path the world tilts once again. This time there is a responding tilt or altering of the light in recognition and in counterbalance. When the door opens ahead she sees what she might expect to see had she simply been walking in her garden but the door here, the garden here is in another dimension, separate but not separated.

Can she be seen by others when she passed through this door or is this world different? When her time to raise the curtain came did she open a fissure or did she create an opportunity? Still she has questions she cannot answer and yet, no urgency has taken her even now. The knowing is so full there is no reason to question, to doubt. There is only the awareness that such questions can and do exist but have no bearing on this moment.

When at last she reaches her destination she can find no one to receive her gift. She reaches out her hand yet no response comes. To this, at last, she is flummoxed. To this she has no certainty to contain her questions. To this there is no answer.

Within her own being she seeks the answer. Here lies the truth at last. From here the answer is clear. This is the beginning of time. The clarity of its pristine nature is real and unbound. This is the clear beginning which is always beginning. Here all things are possible. The hope, the epiphanies of centuries, the inspired awareness and all life spawns, continues to spawn and will always spawn. Beginning is the nature of being. There is nothing else. All beginning is and always will be.

Life renews with each thought, with each breath, with each interaction with beingness. Life is a complete and whole process in the act of beginning.

It is clear. It is certain. Her part has taken place. Her beginning is placed at the altar of all beginning. Her alter is the altar of all. Her part is not the action but the trust of the beginning giving it a place to track. Giving it the wonder necessary to begin and in doing so find its way home.

She steps back from the door, from the beginning. She steps back into the proper tilt of her own world. There is a change here. There is a new beginning and all things have taken notice. This is not the same world she stepped from though there is not a single things misplaced or moved. This is a new world begun from its own beginning and starting fresh. This is the era foretold. This is the embodiment of change as it has always been. Incubated and designed by all creation. She has just birthed the world for the first and forever time.

She sits back on the roots of ancient trees and contemplates her life from this moment forward. She does not dare to look around yet. Fear and uncertainty has crept back into her awareness. Still, she rest quiet in the knowledge that all is as it should be. She is now in charge of her life, she now functions under her own volition again and feels at odds with herself. Where did she leave off? Where does she pick up?

She steps from the garden to find herself alone in a larger garden of the planet. She is huge. She is the goddess energy that walks upon the planet and love and blesses all she sees. This is foreign. The certainty of her role is there though her knowledge is still that of her life in this body and this planet. This new story has no boundaries from which she can define herself.

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Free Writing

1/8/2014 Update:

I created this blog in 2010 as a link to http://art-a-day.blogspot.com/. I might come back to it for free-writing someday, but for now it serves to post my experience of having a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage (SAH). At this writing it's been 2 1/2 months since the event and I am pleased and grateful to say you'd never know such a thing happened to me. I am whole in mind and body and but for a platinum coil in my head and tiring earlier in the day than usual, I am just as I was before... or so it may seem. Because the event went easily on me compared to what might have been or what others have experienced it is easy to forget or side-step the magnitude of it. Hanging in my periphery is this blessing, this gift and this unfathomable close call that deserves something more from me than "whew!" Perhaps I'll come to understand some of that here.

I come to the page for various reasons- seeking guidance, sorting thoughts, looking for insight, to brain dump when there are too many thoughts or simply to relax and allow what wants to come through to come through.

I've done this off and on for 30 years or more with pen and paper. Rarely have I shared them. This is the first time going public - or using the computer.