I hope they do not notice
that I am giving my things away.
The ring I have to Annie.
The art I gave to Jay.
There is someone
who deserves the most
but she will know my plan.
So when I’m gone,
and only a memory,
she will take what she can.

What if it just means that you never really wanted to die in the first place? When we're in a corner or feel threatened by something else, we struggle and lash out. Threatening suicide is just one way to lash out, especially, if it feels like the only one. But when the time comes that real death looms, you confront the reality of what you're doing. This does not lessen the danger of whatever it's that causes us to be pushed into a corner, it just highlights for us that sometimes what we intend on doing is only a cover for something else.

Do you think real death causes in us a deep need to preserve a memory of us, somehow? A need to leave something behind. A desire to comfort those who will still be around after we're gone. Further, it helps you to plan out the remainder of your life. Instead of just pushing forward as though you will live 100 more years, you instead start doing things in the immediate time period because you know with dead certainty that you won't be around after a year or two. This avoids mishaps, wherein, you never get a chance to say goodbye.

Ever not hugged a friend because, well, it feels trivial or somehow unneeded? Months turn into years and those turn into decades. Before you know it, your chance to hug that person is gone. It's so much easier to hug them if you know that life won't go on...

As I wrote in my second poem, being confronted with a health issue surely does have one re-examine one's feelings...and yes, except for when I am in dire pain, my desire to live has changed...like anyone else, I do not know how long I will be here, but I do not I will never see old age...my friend is planning a big birthday party for her daughter in March, and it saddens me to think I might not see it...and about being hugged and cared for...these are things I ask for much more lately, not only because they have become so much more meaningful to me, but also, because I do feel them differently.