Thursday, January 13, 2011

**Staying Fat**

Why did I spend the last 13+ years being obese if it has been so horrible for me emotionally, mentally, and physically? Well, as I've mentioned, some of it is about giving into the PCOS, and just plain, laziness. But, I think, some of it has to do with not having a sense of self-worth, and if I don't have respect for myself how can I feel worthy of having good things - good physical and mental health, good relationships, etc.?

I think, in some ways, "choosing" to stay obese was a form of self-punishment - punishing myself for a decision (an irreversible one) I made years and years ago, and then always regretted. For many years, I drank too much, and then once the PCOS weight gain started I, maybe, saw that as a way to punish myself further by overeating my way into obesityland.

I've experienced so much anger, guilt, and depression over the years, and I just didn't know how to deal with all those emotions, but I know I have to learn to cope, and forgive myself if I'm going to live the kind of life I want to live.

I want to feel worthy of a having a good life. I'm ready to get to point where I can think - I am perfect, just as I am, past mistakes and all, I am perfect, and I deserve to be happy.