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The World Series of Poker got underway at Binion Casino in
Las Vegas. It's a real company town. When Uday and Qusay Hussein
were killed in Mosul last Tuesday, it was announced on Las Vegas
local news that President Bush has two aces in the hole.

U.S. troops captured Saddam Hussein's personal bodyguard in
Tikrit Tuesday and the man is believed to have detailed knowledge
of the dictator's hiding places. Saddam Hussein is hiding where
American troops will never find him. He's in Liberia.

Saudi Arabia's foreign minister flew to Washington Monday to
protest any suspicions about his government. His timing was
fortunate. Many Americans are more open to the Saudi viewpoint now
that the Supreme Court has decided to legalize sodomy.

The Dallas Cowboys began training camp under Bill Parcells'
strict rule. The players are not allowed to go out at night. The
medical staff placed a picture of Kobe Bryant in every dormitory
room in an effort to avoid heat-related injuries.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the premiere of
their new movie Gigli Monday night. On her ring finger was a huge
diamond he just bought her in Los Angeles. They are not even
married yet and already he's cheating on her in Colorado.

Bob Hope was mourned Tuesday by the veterans he entertained
at USO shows. He tried to enlist in World War II but was told he
would be of more service to his country getting laughs. It was the
same thing that kept Bill Clinton out of Vietnam.

Bill Clinton raised money in the Bowery last week for his
library in Little Rock. It should be in Los Angeles. The bars are
full of women with fake nails, false eyelashes and breast implants
who complain there are no real men in this town.

Saddam Hussein issued a taped message Tuesday on Arab
television. He saluted his sons for their six-hour gunfight
against the Americans and said they were martyrs. He further asked
that in lieu of flowers, donations be sent to North Korea.