Melissa Rauch: A Nerd With A Big Banging Body

Wikipedia defines the word raunch as a word that “means obscene, lewd, vulgar, or sexually explicit.” Actress Melissa Rauch is missing the letter “n” from her last name, so in fairness there’s not much obscene, lewd, vulgar or sexually explicit about her. She does though have several things going for her. She is a regular cast member of “The Big Bang Theory,” which not only is the most popular and successful TV series on commercial television of its era, but has become one of the most profitable of all time. She is cute, she’s very talented, and her career is only just beginning, as her comedic gifts might well blossom even further when she’s unshackled from her signature role. We will take that word, unshackled, as our key word in this article, as we have already ruled out “raunch” as being on-topic. Melissa’s got a nice pair of boobs, and many of her fans would like to see them unshackled from their bra. Our question then swiftly becomes:

WHERE CAN I SEE MELISSA RAUCH NUDE?

As of June 2014, Melissa has never done a nude scene, but there have been several instances where her fans can get a glimpse of what it might be like to see her naked. In a funny appearance on “Conan” in 2013, Melissa recalls shooting a scene in “The Big Bang Theory” set in a hotel room. As she describes it, whenever she gets into bed she naturally pulls up the covers all the way and then rubs her hands together to stay warm. To the studio audience who saw it being taped though, it looked as though she was masturbating. Sadly, that original tape has never been released to the public, but you can listen to her funny anecdote here:

At the Golden Globes, Melissa and co-star Kaley Cuoco took a photo together that is both super funny and pretty sexy. You wanted to see Melissa grab her boobs? You wanted to see Kaley grab her boobs? You wanted a picture of both of them grabbing their boobs? We can hook you up. Sadly, no picture of them grabbing each other’s boobs exists, but feel free to put your erotic thinking caps on.

“The Big Bang Theory” of course showcases more than just Melissa’s sexy body. Her off-beat charm and quirky character have helped make her famous, but it can be hard to ignore her physique in some outfits.

I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MELISSA’S CLEAVAGE IN A TIGHT LEATHER OUTFIT. ARE THERE PICTURES OF THAT YOU CAN TRACK DOWN FOR ME?

Let us guess. You are not a vegan, eh? Anyway, we are only too happy to oblige your request. This picture might come as a shock to fans of Melissa’s who only know her from “The Big Bang Theory,” but it will certainly be a pleasant surprise.

HOW ABOUT PICTURES OF MELISSA IN A KINKY PIECE OF LINGERIE WITH LOTS OF BUTTONS AND SNAPS? CAN YOU USE YOUR MAGICAL MACHINE TO FIND SOME?

Our “magical machine” is what normal humans refer to as the Internet, but despite your lack of familiarity with modern verbiage or technology, we can most certainly fill your request.

HOW ABOUT A SULTRY SHOT OF MELISSA IN A BRA, LEATHER GLOVES AND LONG BLACK GLOVES?

Such a photo does indeed exist. Many of the best photos of Melissa come from her Maxim spread, but we have picked through the lot to find you only the best of the best. You’re welcome.

I LIKE SEXY VAMPIRES, GOTHIC MOODS, CREEPY SOUTHERN DELIGHTS AND MELISSA RAUCH’S BODY. IS THERE A WAY I CAN COMBINE ALL OF MY PASSIONS IN ONE?

Melissa appeared on HBO’s “True Blood” for a few episodes as Hoyt’s girlfriend who he rejects in order to hook up with a vampire. Not just any vampire mind you, but a gorgeous redheaded vampire played by Deborah Ann Woll.

Not a bad trade if you prefer vampires to humans and gingers to blondes, but he did seem to have it pretty good with Melissa. This clip from the show offers a pretty sexy make out session in a car.

WOULD MELISSA RAUCH BE GOOD AT BEING A PROSTITUTE?

In the film “You Are Here,” she did indeed play a hooker, so she has given the topic some thought. She told Playboy that “I definitely have to say that some hookers are justifying to themselves why they’re doing it. I thought the clothes were really fun. She’s a high-class hooker; I don’t think I’d have the stamina to be a non-high-class hooker. I’m not saying that to be a snob; I give them a ton of credit. I think you need to be a warrior to be that. I was very warm all the time, there was no standing out on the street; I don’t think I have what it takes to work the streets.”

In that same interview, she was asked about her first time seeing a Playboy magazine. “I didn’t read it, but I found in my uncle’s basement a couple boxes with vintage Playboys. The girl from Make Room for Daddy [Sherry Jackson]—I remember watching her on Nick at Night, this little girl who was now in her twenties doing a spread, something about making room for daddy [“Make Room For Sherry,” 1967]. I was partially fixated on it, partially confused…then every time I watched the show I was like, “She turned into a beautiful girl!”

CHARLIE SHEEN MUST HAVE THE GREATEST, WILDEST, CRAZIEST AND MOST TIGER BLOOD INFUSED SEX LIFE IN THE WORLD. I KNOW MELISSA HASN’T HOOKED UP WITH HIM, BUT HAS SHE COME CLOSE?

There is no reason to think that she has, but we pride ourselves on having healthy imaginations so we will do a little bit of creative celebrity sex math and come up with a scenario that might fit. Our first tidibit comes from the fact that both “Two and a Half Men” and “The Big Bang Theory” sprang from the mind of Executive Producer Chuck Lorre, so there’s that connection. On a more sexual level though, let’s delve into Melissa’s character on “The Big Bang Theory.” She’s married to the character played by actor Simon Helberg. In 2011, Helberg purchased from Brooke Muller, Sheen’s ex-wife, the house that she lived in with Sheen. So, Helberg slept in a house that Sheen had lots of tiger sex in, and Melissa sleeps with Helberg’s character on the show. Not quite scandalous, but hey, never let it be said that we don’t want you to imagine Melissa having some creative sexual escapades.

IS MELISSA RAUCH A SCREAMER IN BED?

It’s unlikely we will ever know for sure, but outside of the bedroom, she claims to come from a long line of screamers. “I come from a house of screamers, very similar to the Wolowitz family. When my husband came to my parents’ house for the first time, he asked, ‘Why is everyone screaming? Why are they so angry?’ I said, ‘No one’s angry. This is just how we communicate.’ ”

IS MELISSA RAUCH A CONDOM USER?

Once again, that’s a super personal question that we can’t answer with any authority, but we do know she has some thoughts on being a condom killer. In 2009, she co-wrote and co-directed, as well as appeared in, a comedy short entitled “The Condom Killer.” Although the film offered little in the way of nudity or sex, it at least offered her a chance to work with friend and fellow comic actress Jessica St. Clair, who is rather hot herself.

HAS MELISSA HAD HER SHIRT TUCKED UP INTO HER UNDERWEAR?

That’s a bizarre question, but the answer is actually yes. She claims it happened, and ranks as her most embarrassing moment ever. ”Oh brother…when I was doing standup years ago, I did an entire set with my skirt tucked up into my underwear. I had no idea. I did a solid 10 and was thinking “This audience is so weird!” As I’m walking offstage, a friend was like, “I was trying to signal you the entire time you were up there!” That was before iPhones, thankfully, because that could have been living somewhere on the internet.”

DOES MELISSA RAUCH LIKE TO PLAY WITH BALLS?

Yep, add that to the long list of unanswerable questions, but we do know that she doesn’t mind tossing them. At least at a Dodger’s game, where she threw out the ceremonial first pitch. As to her talent on the mound, put it this way – Clayton Kershaw won’t be jealous of her technique, but he probably wouldn’t mind the view.

HOW DOES MELISSA FEEL ABOUT CIRCLE JERKS?

The term “circle jerk” is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of dudes sitting in a circle all jacking off at the same time. We won’t pass judgment on this, other than to scream from the highest mountain top “GROSS!!!!”, but Melissa has a very funny story that she retold on “Conan” about how her parents completely misunderstood the meaning. You will never think of the term the same way again. Then again, hopefully you aren’t thinking of it too often anyway.

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Wikipedia defines the word raunch as a word that “means obscene, lewd, vulgar, or sexually explicit.” Actress Melissa Rauch is missing the letter “n” from her last name, so in fairness there’s not much obscene, lewd, vulgar or sexually explicit about her. She does though have several things going for her. She is a regular...