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Never Knew I Needed An Ass-Shaped, Slap-On Lamp Until Now – Introducing Slap-It

If you don’t have an ass-shaped slap-on neon lamp in your living room, do you really even have a home? That’s the query I find myself struggling with at the moment. Until five minutes ago I wouldn’t have called myself a lamp guy. Sure, I have tastes and personal preferences. I like a classic antique lamp with a decorative shade, and those green glass lamps seen in every attorney’s office ever are pretty boss. But other than decorating my apartment three years ago and the annual December 24th viewing of A Christmas Story, lamps occupy no real estate on my mental Monopoly board.

But now?? Forget about it. Look, this is no advertisement. Only a handful of people will read this blog. Really this is just me talking to myself about what’s important in life, and you better believe that these perfectly sculpted gelatin light-up asses are important. Just look at the product description:

“Slap it, pinch it or gently squeeze this tantalizing tactile bottom to turn it on, diffusing a warm glow to light up your room.”

Are you there, God? It’s me, Matt. Just wanted to say thanks… Two of nature’s most beautiful creations teaming up to create the perfect product. The warm glowing gift of light – a natural phenomenon that has been inspiring life and making men weep since the dawn of time – joining forces with a fat, juicy ass – a natural phenomenon that has been inspiring life and making men weep since the dawn of time. It’s the perfect combo.

Move over, Leg Lamp, there’s a new sexually charged household lighting device ready to take the world by storm!

PS – How fucking lame were people with those clap-on clap-off lights. Those things were the worst, probably worked on like 30% of claps (conservative estimate). People were so proud to show them off, too. Disgusting.

PPS – This is definitely the result of some pervert product engineer putting in overtime hours to make an ass-shaped flesh-light, right? “Pinching and gently squeezing” until it was ohhh so right. A thorough testing process is key. I ain’t mad.