I used to like apples…

Apparently I am a negative person. My son told me this. And some other people. Every morning, when I wake up way earlier than I want to, I do say “Modeh Ani…” I thank God that I can get up and walk around and breathe in the air. I really do. But then, a few moments later, reality sets in.

And in the spirit of negativity, I would like to talk about the Apple store. Last week, I shared with you how I hate football and I hate math. This week, you get to hear how I hate the Apple store. It is the bane of my existence. Really and truly.

If I was being positive, I would say I am so grateful that I have a car that can take me to the mall. I have legs that can walk me inside. I have a mouth that I can talk to the Geniuses who work in this place that drives me absolutely mad!! Darn, that negativity always creeps in. So to all of you positive people, and you know who you are, what am I supposed to feel when I have wasted six and a half hours of my life in the Apple store???? Those are hours that I am never getting back. Ever. When I am lying on my deathbed, hopefully well medicated and surrounded by my family, who hasn’t deserted me for being so crazy, can I get those six and a half hours back???? No, I cannot.

I am sure you are so curious as to why I have spent so much time at the Apple store. (I am actually starting to wonder if I am giving them free advertising by mentioning them so often. Who am I kidding? They don’t need any advertising because they have no competition!!!)

Son #3. His stupid computer. As much as I don’t understand football, I understand this whole technology stuff even less. An apple is supposed to be a healthy snack, not a complicated piece of machinery that is designed to break so you have to buy a new one. Anyway, something about it performing slowly (welcome to my world, I am slow every day, do I need a Genius?). We make an appointment. Why? So you can get there and wait at a table for the next available Genius. I think they got rid of the genius bar because people were tempted to start drinking because they were waiting there so long.

Here is our Genius, fresh out of kindergarten, and he has all the answers. Nothing is wrong with your computer. Hallelujah! I can fix it for you. And he does, after two hours. And 36 hours later, it stops turning on. And the next “appointment” isn’t for three years. So boymom of the year shows up at the mall at 9:36 a.m., before the store opens, because she is so afraid that her kids are going to put her in a nursing home. Which they are anyway. But you all have read that line before.

Did you know that if you show up at the Apple store before it opens, you get an appointment right away? It was like stand-by for show tickets. I actually felt like I pulled one over on Apple. I did not. Genius #2 (not to be confused with son #2, who is a genius because he convinced his father to let him stay in Israel two more months…I digress, sorry) informed me, after another two hours, that the “blah blah blah blah 475 dollars blah blah new computer blah blah.”

Fast forward to two days later, when I bring son #3 in for a new computer. There is a wait to buy new products — ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! Two and a half hours later, after explaining that the computer worked before we brought it in initially, we were the owners of a brand new Mac Something or Other — and were told to call customer service because they would give us some sort of financial dispensation for what happened with the computer.

End of the story? I have been on hold with customer service for more than three hours….Ladies and gentleman, I was in labor for less time with son #3.

I can no longer look at an apple. Now I know why Adam and Eve got in trouble….

Banji Ganchrow now has the phone number of the most powerful person at Apple customer service. She also has some tokens and a bridge that she wants to sell you because those things would do just as much. But she “tried”…..

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