Vanities

True Lies II

FRIDAY NIGHT: “Welcome to the country.” “We hope you didn’t feel obligated to invite us.”“We love houseguests.” “We knew you’d understand about the dog.” “It’s no imposition.” “And the kids.” “There’s plenty of room.” “The house is stunning.”“It’s just a shack.” “I didn’t notice. Are we north of the highway?” “We’re only five minutes from the beach.” “J.F.K. Jr. is looking at the lot next door.” “Don’t feel like you have to entertain us.” “We don’t expect you to lift a finger.” “Well … it’s late.” “You must be tired.” “We just want to relax this weekend.” “We’ll finally have a chance to get to know each other.” “Isn’t it nice to get away from it all?”

SATURDAY: “Whatever you want to do today is fine by us.” “We don’t have to go to the Candy Kitchen.” “They keep inviting me to play in the Sag Harbor softball game, but I always turn them down.” “We’ll only go for five minutes.” “I had no idea Mort Zuckerman was such a talented pitcher.” “If we stayed, I’m sure we’d play in the next game.” “It would be a pity not to go to the beach.” “East Hampton is far less pretentious than Southampton.” “Bridgehampton is much cooler than East Hampton.” “It’s all just a community of artists and writers.” “It’s just a short walk from here to the beach.” “What a surprise!” “I never would’ve expected to see you here.” “They forced us to come out.” “I usually spend Saturdays in my garden.” “I never do business on the weekends.” “It’s locally grown produce.” “We were coming out here years before it became chic.”“Can you believe we’repaying $26 for a pound of chicken salad?” “Yes.” “I don’t understand why they call it ‘media beach.’ ” “I’m writing a screenplay.” “I’m writing a novel.” “I read it in galleys.” “I read it in manuscript.”“He had dinner at our house last summer and talked about the idea.” “I’m directing my first film.” “Can you believe she’s spending $60,000 a month to rent a house?” “Yes.” “I got roped into giving money to the Planned Parenthood benefit.” “I got coerced into giving money to the Naked Angels benefit.” “I got blackmailed into giving money to the Nature Conservancy benefit.” “They asked me to sit on the committee, but I turned them down.”“We’ll only go for five minutes.” “We never go to these things.” “I loathe these things.” “I’m sure we won’t know a soul here.” “It took me only two hours and 15 minute to drive out.” “I did it in two hours.” “An hour 45.” “I bought the Land Rover because of the way it drives.” “I bought the Explorer because of the way it drives.” “I bought the de Kooning because of the way it drives.” “I was going to hitch a ride on the Sony jet.” “But I get more work done on the Jitney.” “I hear J.F.K. Jr. just put in a bid on that house.” “I decided not to take a table at the Hampton Classic because it’s too much of a scene.” “Fox just optioned my magazine article.” “Disney just optioned my novel.” “DreamWorks just optioned my life.” “You must get lonely out here during the week when your husband goes back to the city.” “You must get lonely in the city when your wife stays out at the beach.” “I had no idea he was your ex-husband.” “So I told Ovitz … ” “We’re ready to leave when you are.” “We never go out to dinner on the weekends.” “You must have lost the reservation.” “My assistant called during the week.” “If your name was Barry Diller, there’d still be a two-hour wait.” “I’m practically the mayor of East Hampton.” “I’ll call you Tuesday.” “We’ll have dinner back in the city.” “Can you believe we’re spending $36 for a piece of swordfish?” “Yes.” “I’ll be right back.” “Hey! My friends invited all of us to a party on Lily Pond Lane.” “It’s models and writers. And Oliver Stone.” “We’re kind of tired.” “But you should go.” “We knew you’d understand.” “You two are the best hosts.” “It’s just so nice to have a chance to get away from it all.”

SUNDAY MORNING: “I’m so sorry! Little Timmy never scribbled on the walls before.” “We were going to repaint the house, anyway.” “And I can’t apologize enough for the dog.” “It’s too bad it’s raining.” “It’s not that we’re kicking you out.” “But I just remembered an early business dinner.” “You’re always welcome here.” “It’s an open invitation.” “Have a pleasant drive back.” “Never again.” “I don’t understand what the hell possessed us to invite them.” “Next year, maybe we should rent out the house.” “Or try the Berkshires.” “Isn’t it nice to get away from it all?”