Mastering the art of a decent hand job requires enviable skill and much practice, but rather than applaud the dexterity Kristen Stewart is said to display while simultaneously jerking off two guys in On The RoadDan Gainor of the Culture and Media Institute is up in arms over her busy hands. "In the film On The Road, Kristen Stewart engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters according to reports. How will parents who took their daughters to see the Twilight movies explain this?" he shrieks. "It is irresponsible of Stewart and manipulative of Hollywood bosses to deliberately try to destroy any sense of decency these actresses might have taught young people." Let's stop him right there. Before you go a Googlin' to find out what this official sounding Culture and Media Institute is all about and inflating their page views, on their site they describe their mission as "holding the liberal media accountable for shamelessly advancing a left-wing agenda, distorting the truth, and vilifying the conservative movement." Now, let's shamelessly advance our left-wing agenda by asking two questions: First, what parent is going to take their tweenager to go and see On The Road? And, second, can I have a show of hands who lost their hand-shandy virginity well before they got married and realized sex can only be between a man and a woman for procreational purposes? I thought as much. For her part, Kristen Stewart said the sex scenes were a trip. "I wanted to do [the scene]," she said. "I love pushing. I love scaring myself. I've always wanted to get as close to an experience as I could." [Radar, Page Six]

Did Britney Spears storm off the set of X Factor? Sources say she bailed after one contestant delivered a horrible performance of "Hold It Against Me." (Said contestant, meanwhile, is likely mortified.) TMZ reports that Britney didn't immediately return, forcing contestants to audition in front of the other judges and Britney's empty seat. But she says she was just taking a break; sometimes a girl's gotta pee. Whatever the case, this sort of drama explains why Brit's $15M contract is only for one year. [TMZ, NYDN, Radar]

Speaking of dick, Lindsay Lohan has finally found hers after True Blood actor Grant Bowler was cast as Richard Burton in Liz And Dick. "We had seen him on tape and liked him but wanted to confirm the chemistry between the two," said producer Larry Thompson. "But this morning we had Lindsay and Grant come into a room at Lifetime and the chemistry exploded." [E1]

And the sexy casting news just keeps on rolling after it was revealed that Nicole Kidman sexted The Paperboy director Lee Daniels to land her part. "I actually went into my bathroom and I got out the fake tan and put on fake eyelashes and got a hairpiece thing that was platinum, threw it all on and texted a photo to Lee in all these different provocative positions," she said. "What he sent back I can't say, but it was a thumbs up." Between this and the alleged golden shower-esque scene it's sure to be a cracker. [Us]

Usher and Tameka Foster's custody battle is getting pretty messy. It's also getting juicy. Fans of Muriel's Wedding will be interested to know that Foster is accusing the singer of sleeping with her bridesmaid. "I pray the truth finally gets out," she added. "I didn't start this battle, I filed in response." [NYDN]

To be filed under gross: John Mayer revealed he wooed a lady by singing her a page from Fifty Shades Of Grey. "I was trying to impress her, and she had [the book] on her Kindle," he said. "And so I said, 'I'm going to sing it to you.' So I sang her one of the pages of Fifty Shades Of Grey." Fortunately, she had a rational response. "She fell to the ground… laughing," he added. [Us]

Today in DUIs: Jenna Jameson was arrested early this morning on suspicion of one after running her car into a pole. At some point, the city of Los Angeles really should consider some sort of celebrity-only transit system to keep the sauced ones off the road. [TMZ]

That Ukrainian reporter who got a quick slap/punch after trying to forcibly kiss Will Smith has his eyes set on Selena Gomez. "I love her. She is my future project," he said. "Selena, hi. I'm not afraid of Justin Bieber. He's not competition." Shit is gonna go down. [TMZ]

Speaking of: If you were waiting for Alec Bladwin to break Twitter after falling out with Harvey Weinstein keep waiting –- the two have patched things up. [Page Six]

Like many a single lady and gay man, Katy Perry and Adam Lambert made sure they were in the thick of it during the start of Fleet Week. [Page Six]

Food Network star Anne Burrell has confirmed she's a lesbian after she was outed by big-mouth fellow presenter Ted Allen. But she don't care the news is now common knowledge because it's never been a major secret. [Page Six]

Tara Reid may or may not be dating 60-year-old watch and jewelery maker Fawaz Gruosi. [E!]