PlanetFargo

A Public Apology

Readers: I'm afraid that this week's column will not be another humorous anecdote as usual. You see, I've gotten into some hot water here with the powers that be, and my actions lately have regretfully caused a bit of a stir. In hindsight I agree that I may have been a bit overzealous. You see, recently we discovered that you can network several PS2s together to play multiplayer Gran Turismo 3, and soon a cascade of personal televisions and PS2s arrived at GameSpy to test this out. The competition, sitting on a couch elbow to elbow with four of your worst enemies, was a little too much for me. Maybe I went over the top. As a punishment, a public apology has been demanded. So then, here you go:

A PUBLIC APOLOGY FROM DAVE "FARGO" KOSAK
(With regard to his actions during the GT3 Tourney)

To my fellow employees at GameSpy as well as the airport victims, I would like to publicly apologize for my recent behavior. My conduct, although justifyable as my only hope of winning, was inexcusable in the light of emotional and physical damage it caused.

I would like to apologize, first and foremost, for the tear gas. Appropriate as it may be during board meetings, it's wholly inappropriate to use it during a company tournament. I would like to apologize firstly to those hopitalized, as well as to the victims of the subsequent vomiting, despite how cool it was.

Furthermore, it was conduct unbecoming of a staff writer to dangle an enormous stuffed Pikachu from the balcony such that it smacked people in the face during the qualifying rounds. shaithis, in particular, deserves a personal apology: I promise to replace the pants you soiled.

I apologize -- albeit regretfully -- for re-routing my opponent's machines to play Scooby Doo re-runs during the semi-finals. Honestly I don't think this was that big of a deal -- it was half a lap before anyone noticed. And great fun was had by all once the owner of the haunted farmhouse was revealed to actually be the mean old foreclosure agent in disguise. C'mon, that was quality entertainment. Roobyroobyroo!

But most sincerely of all, I would like to publicly apologize for re-routing air traffic in an attempt to crash a plane into the building after I was knocked out of the finals. It was mean-spirited, vindictive, and although it didn't result in any casualties I would like to humbly apologize to all of the commuters who were delayed on the 405 Freeway when an emergency landing was forced. Although it was pretty cool, that doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry once again, I guess I just lost my head. Although, for next week's tournament, I would like to remind everyone that all y'all bitches are going down, I have power tools. Thank you.