Am I crazy or am I being controlled by a narcassist - Please can someone help me

Am I crazy or am I being controlled by a narcassist - Please can someone help me

I am going to try and sum up a 10 year experience into one short summary. Thanks for reading in advance.

At the age of 14 I met my ex. From the beginning it was pretty much doomed, there were rumours of him kissing friends, sleeping with others I know and he had the longest list of 'mixed race female friends' I have ever known. I never trusted him and his activties. I always felt like I was in competition with literally every girl I knew, I got bullied and it was like I fought the world to get his love. I can't remember all of this much as it was all so long ago ( nearly 10 years ) but all I do remember is being COMPLETELY in 'love' with this guy. But over time, when I think about it I just became more and more consumed with him and his actions, I remember discussing the relationship at such great lengths with anyone and everyone who would listen. But it was never about how good things were going, it was always issues, questioning absolutely everything, not really ever getting much out of any of it, just stress and confusion. To be honest the whole experience was just painful and I think I started to associate this pain with what love was meant to feel like.

During this time he also convinced me my mother who was the only person at home was this evil figure. I ended up hating and fighting with her and it was because of these conversations with this guy. He hated her so much and now so did I. I feel like I was slowly being isolated from everyone I knew but I can't be sure. I also lost all of my friends, because my mind was so consumed and obsessed with him and the issues that I literally couldn't think of anything else. However he became friends with them all and I was put on this outside? It is the weirdest thing to describe. And then eventually I became so depressed, I just remember feeling completely empty and alone, and just crying all the time. I had literally lost everything and everyone apart from him, I was now failing at school and I just couldn't get out of it. I would just lie in bed so depressed crying, my mum trying to help but me hating on her and then just begging this guy to love me. I just remember feeling like he never treated me properly, there was always soo many reasons to be unhappy everything was painful but I stayed because I loved him. But when things were at their worst, he left and blamed it all on me. I tried to call, I begged, I did everything and from that moment onwards I blamed myself for eveything.

6 months later he is in a new relationship and seems very happy, whereas I am completely distraught because I thought I had actually loved him and it had all been really hard to deal with. Shortly after this I moved away to start university, and I will never forget him trying to message me and get in contact when I was finally doing ok. Sending me songs on my birthday, long chats, I thought he wanted me back. But he then just said he was using me because his girlfriend was away and he was lonely. This happened many times and honestly it feels like every time I was actually doing alright he would get in contact as a like reminder he was there. Even when he had a girlfriend he would message me asking for photos etc. and then the girl would find out and he would ignore me again.

The main point is, over the past 8 years I feel like I have been constantly used. I have never been able to move on and it feels like I have been constantly waiting for him while he has moved on and maintained a relationship. In my head I know i have created some weird image of what it was all like in the past when tbh it was actually a horrible relationship to be in even though I loved him. It ruined me. I just still feel like no one compares to him and I dont know why.

8 years later, I message him ( because im still obsessed) and we start speaking and I quickly learn he has broken up with his long term gf. But honestly when he told me this all I could feel was this like weird pull, like a hooover was sucking me up into a shitbag and I couldn't get out. It was a horrible feeling. And after this we were talking again, he was expecting sexy photoes and sex talks because I was long distance and it was like he just expected it all even after all of this time. On top of that, he wasnt actually being that nice to me and he said it was becuase 'he knew what I was like' ? I went completely crazy, very quickly became so isolated again. I was self diagnosing myself with everything under the sun to try and explain why I was constantly feeling confused. One mintue I thought he was pure evil, the next I loved him, it was so strange. Straight away he was telling me that his ex never meant as much as I did, it was just a distraction and I bought it. But then the next day, he wants nothing serious and it doesnt mean anything. Within weeks he was promising me holidays, but then not speaking to me for days. It was so unstable and too confusing to me. I was sort of wary and scared but also craving and seeking approval and better treatment, its so weird. He was never nice to me, like actually nice. and I was just always constantly crying and asking why he couldnt treat me better and he would just say i should need him to treat me better. I started believing that I actually just desrved and shouldnt complain if I got bad treatment and felt like i was slowly being groomed into expecting and being happy with breadcrumbs. It never felt right but if I was silent and happy with breadcrumbs then things were better. But then the next I would explode again blaming his drug addiction one minute then apologizing for what ive done. There was always a reason why everything was my fault and why I shouldnt ever expect good treatment from him. It was so confusing. and now after 6 months of this pure torture I'm now so obsesssed with all of the issues and trying to work things out. It consumes me every single day and I just want to get out of it. I honestly feel like he has made me crazy and he is like in my head constantly. For months it felt as though this guy was like re-writing my mind through talking to me, but I was allowing and encouraging it? I cant describe it but he basically goes very silent a lot of the time and I feel like he does it deliberately because he knows it drives me nuts? But when I tell him, he just says dont expect anything from more from me, etc. He said he was trying to help me with my issues but i think it just allowed him to get so deep into my brain it let him mess with my mind. All talking to him has ever done is make me obsessive about him and crazy. I am back to feeling so isolated and confused, and I'm back to chasing, pleading and begging this guy to stay because of our 'connection' when really i know he treats me like scum and I hate it? To top it off he has now blocked me on everything and yup, its my fault. Please can someone help me? Am I crazy is it my fault? What the hell is going on im so confused.