I've lived with my grandparents and father all my life, and up until I was seventeen, or eighteen, I was my grandmothers primary victim. Occasionally, if my grandfather stuck up for me, or my father said anything in my defence, she'd turn on them.

From what I know, she lived the good life, decades ago. Thanks to my grandfather, she had all the money she could spend. Expensive cars, a massive cottage, the best of whatever she wanted, paid out of pocket by my grandfather. As if she was trying to pretend she was like his sister, who married into money. Who spends retirement traveling the world, or relaxing in her mansion.

Growing up, I got little to no support from my grandparents. I was given a tiny bit of food to eat every day, and was left to occupy the rest of my time. Any friends I managed to make were often scared away by my grandmother, so I tended to spend my time alone. The lack of learned social skills made that worse over the years.

As I grew older, and started developing a personality, and having my own thoughts and ideas, she got worse. Any thoughts of mine were wrong, any ideas were stupid. My opinions didn't matter. Before long, I was afraid to speak out loud, to anyone else, if she was in the room.

I never got why the rest of my family let her push them around they way they did. I quickly stopped caring, and around the age of thirteen, would give as good as I got from her. She HATED being talked back to. Treated the way she treated me. So she spread lies to the rest of the family about me. Threatened to call the police, and have everyone else lie to them to get me taken away if I didn't step in line. My father and uncle, her children, are so ridiculously defensive of her, that it wouldn't surprise me at all if one day, she'd stab my grandfather, and have them jump to her defence.

On the topic of my grandfather, he's been, throughout my life, the only one to stand up for me. Even though, more often than not, she would force him to her side. But, ever since he retired, and their wealth started to dry up, she's turned her attention to him. A weaker, more vulnerable victim. One who couldn't do anything if he had enough of the abuse.

Ever since then, almost literally from the moment she woke up, to the moment she fell asleep, she would attack him constantly, over anything. The tone of his voice. What he said. His opinions. Anything, so long as she had something to bitch about. It, honestly, has been driving him insane.

After all these years he's on the verge of a meltdown. He's developed an impossibly short temper, and the moment there is any conflict of any kind nearby, he breaks down. He'll cover his face and try to block out EVERYTHING. He's admitted to becoming suicidal over the years. Though a few years back, he decided to snap back at her whenever she'd get abusive with him. This... Didn't help the rest of us.

Despite all that, my grandfather still claims to love her, even though she openly despises him, and the rest of us. If anyone tries to reason with him, or imply that she might not be a good person, he'll shut down all discussion.

Besides that, there are three things I feel the need to bring up. First.My mother, who'd been missing since I was five, and found dead when I was sixteen. The one family member I can think of who had NEVER done me wrong. Not long after I found out about her death, my grandmother went out of her way to insult and attack her memory. My mother and I are native. I consider this a point of great pride, and my peoples' situation is a point of great anger. No matter what the context, when my people are brought up, my grandmother will go off on tirades, barely avoiding calling us savages. Even during news stories about, say, one of my people sheltering homeless animals during the winter.Finally, my pets. All of whom, she's had put down. Years ago, my dog was getting old, when they floated the idea of putting her down. Which I was against. One day, I'd woken up, and my dog was gone. That same day, she goes off about how I never loved the poor thing.

I'm in no position to leave. Not permanently. I can't work anymore, and have to stay here. I was never taught any of the skills I'd need if I left, and don't know where to go to learn them. My only option is to stay, and make the most of things. So I have. I've repaired my relationships with the rest of the family, and things are looking up. But not with her. She gets worse every day.

The only times I ever see the family happy together is when she's out of the house, or we have company for her to act nice around. After all these years, I've tried everything to make things better. Nothing has worked. I'm at the end of my rope with her and her abuse. I can't even stand the sound of her voice.

I've needed a solution to this problem for ten years. I need one now. Because I can't deal with that terrible excuse for a human being anymore.

5 Answers

The thing is, when you came to this forum and saw the subhead 'Elder Abuse', the topics are generally expected to cover elders who are being abused, rather than grandsons who have a serious grievance with their grandmothers and... and what? What is it that you want to happen?

Rather than wait for an answer, I'll go with my guess that you're 30 give or take a couple of years. You say you can't leave your family home, and that you're incapable of holding down a job, and that you have no social skills, and that everything is all your grandmother's fault.

Well, that's a poor outlook for you, I agree. What do you plan to do about it?

I'm very sorry to read of what happened to your poor mother. That's a terrible thing anyway, and even worse for a little boy to have to go through. Have you ever had or been offered counselling or therapy to help you come to terms with it?

I was raised with so little guidance, and meaningful social interaction, that for the first fourteen years of my life, I had to watch other kids to learn the social skills I have. I have the most basic understanding of how to deal with living on my own. Get money, pay landlord. I know there's significantly more to it, and that is what worries me. What I feel would lead to me living on the street, at best.

If I had any idea where to go, or anyone to turn to as a boy, I would have just ran away back then.

Beyond all that, I've developed a condition that makes it extremely difficult to do any meaningful work, and live in an area with next to no jobs available. I can't support myself, and have no one else who would.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. I know its hard. But the truth is you can't change someone. You have gone above and beyond and this woman is still horrible to you. Its time to step back and put yourself first. Protect yourself mentally and physically from her abuse.

My grandmother was not abusive. But she said some insensitive things to me after my father's passing. I put distance between us now. I realized I had no boundaries. My whole life I was a desperate pleaser and it has not served me well. Its hard sometimes to break free but its necessary.

The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice.