Popular Online Searches

Virtual PetsWhy are they searched? First, let me explain: virtual pets. I sh*t you not! I guess they probably don't sh*t either, which may explain their popularity with those looking for the benefits of responsibility without the, uh, responsibility.

What I think: Listen, I'd look into these "pets" (also known as Neopets) further for you, but researching virtual doody just seems like a bit of a waste of my lunch hour, you know?

William HungWhy is he searched?: People just can't seem to get over this best of the worst from this year's American Idol auditions (season three), who either had no concept of how bad he was, or has no shame. Actually, I think people are getting over him now.

What I think: Not the first talentless wonder to make a name for himself. Hey, if it makes you laugh, then it definitely qualifies as entertainment in my books. Judging by his moxie, it seems his last name might just describe him accurately. Then again, based on his voice, maybe not.

The Classics

There are some things that have appeared for months or even years on popular search lists, and the list makers of course keep track. Some simply reveal the fact that there are always more teenagers for whom the world is new — things like marijuana, sex, and tattoos are constantly searched. But there are other things that are, well... read on.

Britney SpearsWhy is she searched?: The "Mouseketeer" turned pop princess was carefully chosen for maximum cross-demographic appeal: carefully produced jingles penned for her attract the adolescent sparkly eye shadow set, who send her to platinum record land; meanwhile, her killer curves make her image highly downloadable, causing hot-blooded guys like you and me to click this baby more than one more time.

What I think: She had a head start on Internet popularity. Her Mouse keteer roots subconsciously caused people to seek more info on her via a mouse, resulting in "hits," the very same word used to describe the tunes others are churning out in her name in the music world. Back that up with a well-developed body, and the hottie's a lock for top of the pops.

Pamela AndersonWhy is she searched?: Hmm, there are two reasons that immediately pop out at you. Arguably the most famous Play..boy centerfold after Marilyn Monroe, Pam has dabbled in several media to ensure a rounded appeal: movies ( Barb Wire ), TV ( Baywatch, V.I.P. ), the aforementioned magazine (and almost every other print magazine), and a certain sex video with former husband Tommy Lee (one wonders where Paris Hilton got the idea to accidentally on purpose leak such footage).

What I think: Things seem to be slowing a tad for the surgically inflated starlet. New potential forays include an appearance as a guest or, with her experience, perhaps host, on the next version of Extreme Makeover . Or maybe she'll take the Madonna root and write children's books. One thing's certain: now that her peak's over, her career can only go the direction of her twin claims to fame — south.

Las VegasWhy is it searched?: The only city to consistently appear on these lists, Las Vegas is a destination to accomplish all sorts of things: a shotgun wedding, the disappearance of your life savings, or just plain decadence in the truest sense of the word.

What I think: Compulsive Internet users are always looking for other compulsions to branch out into: "sure, this Internet is fine and all, but there's got to be a way I can waste my time and money in one shot!" Trust me, if you don't gamble or submit to mediocre buffets, you'll be hard-pressed to fill your time.

and of course...

Lastly, there are always the things that need no explanation because they just go hand in hand. Of course I'm thinking here of recent chart toppers Hilary Duff, KaZaA, and marijuana. Because hey, when I picture your average American Web surfer, I, like you, immediately think of lonely, pubescent boys baked from their parents' stash and glazing over as they wait for their heartthrob's pirated tunes to download.