How to be a good
listener

Many of us aren’t sure what to do when someone we care about has cancer. But often just being there for the person is the most important thing. Being a good listener will help you show empathy and support the person. Here are some tips:

Let your partner, relative or friend know that you have the time to sit and listen.

Turn off any distractions such as your mobile phone or the TV.

Show you are giving them your full attention. Nodding and making eye contact are good ways to do this.

Check you understand what they are saying by asking follow up questions or repeating back what you’ve heard.

If your relative or friend tells you their fears or worries, it’s important to let them be sad or upset.

Remember that silences don’t have to be awkward. Touching their hand or putting an arm around them may help more than words.

My advice would be to just listen and be there when they want to talk. Remember, don’t force them to speak. They will talk when they’re ready.

Jackie

How to listen

When your relative or friend is talking, it’s important to give them your full attention. Here are some simple tips to follow.

Getting the setting right

Somewhere comfortable that offers privacy is best. Here are some things you can do to help:

Switch off your mobile phone and other distractions, like the TV.

Let them know you have time to sit and talk with them.

Keep your eyes at the same level as them. Sitting down next to the person or at an angle to each other, rather than face on, usually helps to make the setting feel less intense.

Sit close, but not too close. Sitting about 2–3 feet (60–90cm) away allows them personal space without being too far away to be able to talk intimately.

Sit quietly – this will give the impression of calmness, even though you may not feel relaxed.

Show you are listening

Try to look at the person as you’re listening, to show them they have your full attention. It’s also good to nod, occasionally, and encourage the person to talk by making comments such as ‘Hmmm’, ‘Uh-huh’ or ‘Yes’.

Check you’ve understood

Misunderstandings can happen if you assume that you know how the other person feels. Asking questions and giving feedback will help you check you’ve understood what they have said. It also shows that you are listening and trying to understand.

Questions you could ask include:

‘Do you mean that…?’

‘What did that feel like?’

‘How do you feel now?’

It is also good to check what you’ve heard is right:

‘What I’m hearing is…’

‘It sounds like you’re saying…’

Keep an open mind

Try to avoid talking while the other person is talking. Wait for them to stop speaking before you start. Don’t get caught up with thinking about what you’re going to say next. Listening is not the same as waiting to talk.

If your relative or friend tells you about their fears or worries, it’s important to let them be sad or upset. It may be distressing for you to hear some of the things they say. However, it can really help them if you’re able to stay and just listen while they talk.

Respond with respect and understanding

It’s good to be open and honest about your feelings. Here are some things to think about:

Make time for both your feelings and your relative or friend’s feelings.

Give your opinion respectfully, but be aware your relative or friend may have a different opinion (we have more information on giving advice).

Treat the other person the way you think they would want to be treated.

Breaks in the conversation

If someone stops talking, it might mean they’re thinking about something painful or sensitive. Wait with them for a little while and then ask them if they want to talk about it. Don’t rush – it’s okay to wait until they feel ready to talk again.

Sometimes just being there and touching their hand or putting an arm around their shoulder can help more than words. If they pull their hand away or look uncomfortable, you’ll know this is a signal to give them space. But a touch may be just what’s needed to help them talk. It shows that you care and want to support them.

Respond to humour

If your relative or friend wants to use humour to help them cope, it’s good to respond to this. But don’t be the one to introduce humour into the conversation in case they don’t find this helpful.

Thanks

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All our information is reviewed by cancer or other relevant professionals to ensure that it’s accurate and reflects the best evidence available. We thank all those people who have provided expert review for the information on this page.

Our information is also reviewed by people affected by cancer to ensure it is as relevant and accessible as possible. Thank you to all those people who reviewed what you're reading and have helped our information to develop.

You could help us too when you join our Cancer Voices Network – find out more at: http://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancervoices

We make every effort to ensure that the information we provide is accurate and up-to-date but it should not be relied upon as a substitute for specialist professional advice tailored to your situation. So far as is permitted by law, Macmillan does not accept liability in relation to the use of any information contained in this publication or third party information or websites included or referred to in it.