In January of 2005, my son C. died. Then he was born. These are the 8 million pieces of my life, as I pick them up,one by one.

And now, featuring the addition of our second beautiful child, BB and his lovely sister E.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I have work to do

I have not fully recovered from my pregnancy/baby envy. And I am starting to realize that I might not recover from that particular ailment any time soon (if ever). I still see a belly in a department store and stare at the woman with scorn and disgust. And don't get me started on the teenagers with their belly's and strollers in the mall.

It's too bad, really. I would like to be one of those people who smiles at pregnant woman with that twinkle in my eye and "congratulations" in my face. Wouldn't that be a nice way to be? But frankly, I am not that person and may never be.

I am still utterly shocked when I overhear people in casual conversation discussing what will happen "when the baby comes." Or watching rerun episodes of Friends, seeing Rachel discussing her plans to move out of Joey's apartment when the baby comes. Or even worse, hearing my own family talking about what they are going to do with the Babe when s/he comes. I am working really hard on the "when, not if" mindframe, but I cannot get my mind around how the rest of the world just takes the safe arrival of a baby so completely for granted. It utterly mystifies me.

Now that most people know that my belly harbours a little life (and is not just a summer beer belly), I have started thinking more about how I expect these people to fit in our life when the baby is born. And I realized last night that all of my mental preparation has been for me and my husband alone. Who am I kidding? Of course all the grandparents and friends and relatives will want involvement in this kid's life! And that thought scared the crap out of me.

I realized that I feel like this: if I bring a real live screaming baby home into my house, I am not sharing him/her with anyone! OK, the father may have some pull on that issue, but no one else.

Since this viewpoint is not realistic, I have about 5 months to get my brain straightened out on this issue. Yes, I am going to have to share. With people who annoy me.

In the same series of revelations, I realized that there are several people who are deeply ingrained in my life that I am harbouring some serious resentment towards. In particular, a couple who is part of our family who did the worst - they weren't there for us in the way that I thought they would be. To me, this is the worst of crimes, but a crime that the offenders rarely know they have committed. So it is sort of small of me to carry resentment towards them. But I do. And these people will have the expectation that they will be a part of the Babe's life. More crap that I have to deal with.

Wow, this could have been me talking. It's only now that I've had a baby at home with me for a month that I can even begin to look at pregnant women and babies without resentment and jealousy. More importantly, I struggled throughout my pregnancy, and continue to struggle with how to manage those not-so-supportive people (friends, family, coworkers)who all but disappeared when Julian died who all of a sudden want to come around and enjoy my new baby. I don't feel they have a right, and the issue brings up so many emotions in me, from anger to frustration and sadness. I still haven't reconciled that. If you have any epiphanies about the subject, I'd love to hear them.