Card 1: “I believe that everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can direct.”

Card 185: “The Emmy speech I didn’t give: I want to thank the TV Academy for this incredible acknowledgement. The fact that it pisses off TV critics all over the country just makes the moment a little sweeter.”

Card 280: “You know you’re getting old when: You’re genuinely excited when your prescriptions arrive in the mail. … You try to amuse the kid hooking up your Blu-ray player by telling him about Betamax. … You pee in Morse code — dots and dashes. … You wonder if the orgasm you’re about to havewill actually end your life.”

Card 285: “Lord, if it be thy will, give unto us a story that has lots of comic potential while simultaneously exploring and defining our characters and their relationships (preferably something that hasn’t been done onDick Van Dyke or Friends).”

Card 298: Men: “Writers bucket list: Have sex with a bucket. … Draw a face on a bucket and have sex with it. … Have sex with two women while holding a bucket. …”