Monday, March 29, 2010

So I was out with a friend the other night and we're standing waiting for a band to start when these two girls approached us. Well, I think they approached us. They may have been standing there and I started to talking to them . I kind of forget but I am one of those types of people that talks to everyone.

So anyways, they started getting really flirty - which is good for my friend because he's single and got the phone number of the one chick - after of course I say to her, "You should go out with him...he's single".

He didn't seem to mind it too much.

When I told the other chick I was married she was like, "I don't care" - Say huhhh?. We left shortly after that so no - I was not raped.

So my question is this? What percentage of guys/girls do you think go to a bar with the specific intent of getting laid?

I know that when I was single, that was my mission EVERY TIME I went out - to meet girls. And hook up with them. And I think most guys are the same. But what about women? What percentage at the BEGINNING of the night have in their head that they want to meet some dude and go home with them?

And do you thinking it's a bit different now as compared to the 80's - when I was single?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

And now, the results of the Father Kelly Draw My Tweet Contest. Firstly, I'd like to thank the people that entered. And secondly, I will be faxing the Vatican a list of my followers that DIDN'T enter. Recommending that you all go to hell for at LEAST the orientation.

Shame on you. So here we go.

Runner ups are JenJen who created art on the Tweet: "So I'm sorting through the collection basket booty and I found..you ready for this?.... A hermit crab and a tooth! WTF?

And Hot Little Mongoose who created art based on the Tweet: "Jehovah's Witnesses would get more doors opened if they ran a pizza chain. "Here's your Pizza. You're going to Hell"

And the Grand Prize of The Father Kelly Draw My Tweet Contest goes to Carolyn Main , she also used the Tweet: "Jehovah's Witnesses would get more doors opened if they ran a pizza chain. "Here's your pizza. You're going to hell"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

And before you start yelling at me, there are funny women that crack me up. Sarah Silverman, Amy Sedaris, Andrea Martin.

And there are women I know personally that crack me up. But if I were asked to name the top 20 funniest people I know in real life, probably only three women would make the list. I'm just being honest with you. Jesus Christ! Calm down.

But it's not something that bothers me - if someone isn't funny. As long as they're laughing at MY jokes. Or as long as they're feeding me straight lines. Like a comedy team. Such as the famous duo of Gwynne and Lewis. (Yeah. Not really THEM, but.....)

So what do you think? Is it a social thing? Or is humor so subjective that there's no way of measuring it? (Yeah right)

Quick post today so I didn't do any reesearch to find multiple opinions but here's one take on it: clicky here.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Here are so more travel bullets points. Man, blogging is getting easier when you just rattle shit off. (To read part 1, click here)

- Dallas: One time while staying at a hotel in Dallas a fire alarm when off in the middle of the night. People emerged from their doors asking, "Is it for real?" I was in a deep sleep when it went off so I just grabbed by stuff. I was the only one to leave. I ended up in the back parking lot in the pouring rain. Stupid!

- Chicago: When staying with my cousin one Summer in 5th grade, we'd go to the top of their 40 floor building and individually release tissues into the windy Chicago air. This is when being green was for stinky hippies. And we also dropped a bucket of water off but the doorman narced us out. Thanks Carlton.

- Mexico: While visiting a factory in the arm pittiest city of Piedras Niegras (Nachos were invented there), We got our van searched by guys with machine guns. I was prepared to go Jean Claude Van Damme on their asses but then I was like, "OK, lets see how this plays out first".

- Connecticut: I was in charge of bringing some of the ladies from the home office in England to visit some various clients on the East coast. After the three day trip we had to take the train back to NYC so they could catch a flight back to England. I was telling some joke when the train pulled up and as we're all still laughing the doors shut. I then realized that we were on the wrong train. SUPER STUPID! (They barely made their flight) .

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I was talking to my friend @JennRuss on Twitter and I was asking her about her super curly hair and whether people insist on touching it. Of course she said they do. And sometimes they don't even ask. Strangers do this. I'm not surprised.

It's pretty rude if you think about it. I mean, I have like this really great ass* but people don't say, "Excuse me, but MAY I?" (then go in for a squeeze. Kneading it's glory with their fingers - pushing their palms into it - really...really geeettin' in there as if they were making bread. And the moaning? Please. Control yourselves)

OK. Back to the hair story. When I was between the ages of 5 and 14 my hair was really curly. And I'm not kidding when I say that at least 75 times in that period I would be out somewhere and something like this would happen:

Old Lady:(slowly approaches me with her other old lady friend) Oh my God!

Me:(starts to get embarrassed) Me?

Old Lady: Yes you. Your hair is so beautiful. Isn't it just precious Mildred?

Me:(tries not to act horrified)

Old Lady:(asks my mom) Is it real?

My Mom: Yes. Jimmy's hair is totally natural.

God was that shit embarrassing. And many of the old ladies would then say what was always the worst thing, "I wish I had YOUR hair!"

I just hated that. None of them ever asked to take my picture but I wouldn't have been surprised. Then they would have brought the picture into the beauty parlour and said, "I want my hair to look like THIS" - all crabby and whatnot while holding out the polaroid.

That's when I'm a proponent of the old hair dresser statement: "I'm a hair dresser lady not a magician". (Big ole fuckin' fight breaks out and Raul kicks the old lady out and bans her for life)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Here are some random things that happened one time to me (travel edition):

- This one time in Shenzen, China the factory owner said, "You want women? I send TWO women to your room". I declined.

- This one time in Nashville two chicks grabbed my package. In one night. In one bar!

- This one time in Milan I jumped on the bed with five of my coworkers at three in the morning.

- This one time in Long Beach, California while partying with coworkers a lesbian bit the finger of a straight coworker because she wouldn't dance with her. We laughed like hell because the coworker was a prude.

- One time on a flight from Dallas to Denver I sat next to a 350 pound man that was going to an ice makers convention.

- One time in Frankfurt, Germany the chamber maid walked in as I was walking out of the shower. She was there to turn back the bed.

- One time in Ship Bottom, NJ (as a kid) I hated the vitamins that I was supposed to take so everyday I would throw them under the porch and I got busted by the mom of the family we were with. Thanks Mrs. Brophy.

- This one time in Yiwu, China hundreds of people stopped and looked at me because they never saw a white person before.

- This one time in Virgina Beach I went down a water slide and it gave me an enema.

- This one time in Toledo - I was in a car being driven from Chicago to PA with my cousin) the song, "Shake Your Booty" was on. He said, "Do you know what a booty is?" I said, "Yeah". He said, "What is it?" I said, "I don't know". He Said, "It's a butt". I said, "OK".

Monday, March 15, 2010

Since I'll be celebrating my Irish heritage all week because of Saint Patty's Day, I embraced my German background by eating German last night. The meal was pork, mashed potatoes and Sauerkraut. And applesauce.

And when I cook, sometimes I like to play the music of the region for which I'm cooking. Here are some standards I'll play from my Ipod:

German Food: Traditional German Music (I forget the name of the album but there's a lot of Polka).

Italian: The Essential Dean Martin.

Cajun: Buckwheat Zydeco

BBQ: Jimmy Buffet, Beach Boys, Springsteen. Usually just at the beginning of Spring when it's starting to get nice out because it reminds me of the shore.

And just writing this reminds me that I really need to start cooking more. I guess I've been in kind of a funk and haven't been cooking much lately but I really need to get back to it. Anyone have any great recipes they think I should cook?

I've been wanting to make the ultimate mac and cheese for a while. Anyone have the ultimate recipe? I'm also looking for a few good fish recipes. One of my favorite simple standard salmon dishes is this:

Salmon Ala' Dr Zibbs

- Rinse salmon and rub with olive oil. Add salt and pepper.- Rub dijon mustard on top of salmon.- Sprinkle brown sugar on top of salmon.- Grill on cedar plank (soak the plank first in water)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I mentioned in the comments the other day about how I used to run in front of the TV when my sister was watching it and start dancing to the theme of the show Fame. Just to be annoying. "Get out of the way! I'm watching this"...as I flailed arms and legs.

So Gage says, "was it like this?"..and leaves a clip to one of the best videos I've ever seen. It's a chick dancing to the theme of Fame. Here it is:

Do you believe that???

It's from a show called Stairway To Stardom. I've never even heard of that show! We had a similar show in the Philly area called the Al Alberts show but instead of untalented adults singing and dancing it was only kids. I'm such a fan of no talents singing and dancing with terrible production. It looks like she's performing in front of an elevator.

Here's another one from that show. It's a little lady named Toni Marie Terrano. Make sure to look for the under the leg clap at 1:43. And how old do you think she is? It's very hard to tell.

And if you want to see an artist rendering of Toni Marie Terrano click here. Move over Mona Lisa.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

If you read my blog, you know that I'm a big Tenacious D fan. If you don't have the Tenacious D Masterworks you really need to get it.

The reason I'm showing this clip is that the actor that plays Lee in the new McDonalds commercial for the Filet O Fish was in the original Tenacious D shorts on Mr Show. And he performed at the concerts .

Here's a clip that features him that I think you'll like. It's a bit long, but it's worth it.

I've got a quick confession. In 11th grade* the "joke" in gym class was to hide shoes so when the bell when off you'd be late for class.

So when somebody did it to me I got pissed.

So the next gym day, I broke into the locker of the dude that did it and rubber fiber glass insulation that I got from my attic in the crotch region of his pants. So we're standing in line for the bell to ring and I see him itching his pants. Then itching a bit more. Face getting all nervous. Then he ran over to his locker.

The bell rings.

I see him later in the hall and he was wearing gym shorts.

Lesson: Don't fuck with me because I will get **revengey on your ass.

*Sorry if I posted this before. I was too lazy to look it up.** I hereby claim the word "revengey".

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sometimes if I think of a post I'll write a quick reminder in Blogger so I'll remember to write it later. So a few days ago I wrote:

"Don't Just enjoy the show..enjoy the go..w bear running across the scene 2 seconds after guy falls off bridge on snf. VH1"

And today I was like...What the hell does that mean? Then I remembered. It was a reminder to write a post about the bottom of the screen teasers on TV that you see to remind you what shows are coming up. They're like mini commercials. They're called ad crawlers. I think some bears were running across the screen.

The movie I was watching was Saturday Night Fever and at the part where the drunk dude is on the bridge saying, "Tony, look at me...look at me Tony" he falls to his death. It's then that two cartoon bears go running across the screen as a reminder to watch some cartoon show that has bears on it.

Totally ruined the movie... even though I was just flipping and I've seen in the movie a bunch of times.

And I've read a few articles on the subject lately and they're not going to stop these ad crawlers. There's too much ad revenue to be had.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

You've probably seen this unbelievable video of Mr Edward Hill Caramelldansen singing but I had to get it up on THAT BLUE YAK.

You really have to watch the whole video to get some of the special treats this Russian singer has in store for you. I think he's Russian at least.

I'm not sure if I like the song or his facial expression more. All I know, I'll be imitating* him all day.

*And speaking of imitations, If you want to see Some Guy imitating this video, click here. The most important thing missing in your imitation my friend, is the super smile and gleeful facial expression. Please redo the entire thing after a few weeks of practice and do not be afraid to use the mirror.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hi everyone. I'm Father Kelly. You know me from Twitter*. First of all, I'd like to thank Dr Zibbs for letting me use his blog for my contest. You can follow him on Twitter as well if you want. His handle is @DrZibbs. (And you might as well follow his blog while you're at it) .

3) Email it to me. The email address is Lebner1 at Yahoo.com (see how I wrote that email in code? It's the way I keep off of the Jehovah's Witness mailing list) IMPORTANT: write "FATHER KELLY CONTEST" in the subject line.

4) The deadline for the contest is Thursday, March 11th at Midnight.

PRIZES:

- All people entering the contest will receive a 3 month tour of heaven when they die. Including THREE snack bar vouchers.

- The top five best Father Kelly drawings will be featured on this blog. If you have a blog, let me know in your email and I'll post a link to your blog. Also let me know your Twitter name. Depending on the number of entrees, maybe ALL the cartoons will be shown. Depends on my mood.

- The 1st place WINNER will receive a special prize that will be mailed to them AND a free pass to HEAVEN! (Expiration 1/31/2031). A blog post will feature your art here AND a tweet will go out ordering everyone to follow your blog and/or Twitter feed. You will also have the right to brag all over the Internet, to your friends, at work and even at your house of worship.

*Dr Zibbs/THAT BLUE YAK readers are also encouraged to enter. To read the Father Kelly Tweets and figure out which one you want to draw, click here.

Everyone knows the type. The guy that says, "I got one for you". Then he goes on to tell one of those "three guys walk into a bar" jokes. And you can tell he's rehearsed it before - all confident in his delivery.

I had an older cousin that did this growing up. And I always hated it. The jokes are rarely funny. Whenever they say, "I got one for you", I just get uncomfortable because I know I'm not going to think it's funny. And if you're in a crowd, everyone is expecting you to laugh. I just stand there with this look on my face that says, "I don't want to be here".

It's one thing I can't do. I can't fake laughing at something when it's something that's not funny at all. I can't even force myself. It's not out of jealously like I wish I were the one making everyone laugh, it's just this thing I have against people that are trying really hard to be funny. They're giving it everything they got and what they're saying is just stupid. But they think they're funny.

I used to work with this girl that some people thought was hysterical, and a few of us - the ones with a sense of humor - couldn't stand her stories. She would tell these stories, most of which were exaggerated bullshit, and she'd be laughing when she told them - which would get some people laughing. Then, she'd throw in the worst accents to liven up the story. For some reason it was always a terrible French or English accent. As if there was always a foreigner around when she apparently got into these crazy predicaments.

And people would guffaw over these stories that weren't even funny. So after one of the meetings where one of these stories was told, I was walking down the hall with two of my coworkers (that have a sense of humor) and the one said, "Here's an imitation of your face when that story was being told".

The expression was one of someone at a funeral. With an occasional, uncomfortable smile, as if the priest just said something to lighten the mood. Since then I became aware of this face. But there's still nothing I can do to stop it.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

So I was on Gage's blog this morning and saw the most glorious video. If you're like me you won't believe your eyes. I know I've been playing a lot of Lawrence Welk videos over the last month (2) but this one takes the cake.

Check it out then read my thoughts below.

Do you believe what you just saw?? Go ahead. Take another look. Everything about this video is great. The way the devil sneaks out, then he goes into the running tap dance around 15 seconds in, the costume that is like a shorts/skirt hybrid. Just everything. Did you check out the set?

It's almost like you're waiting for someone to run on stage and yell, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?" as if the person dancing is some madman that ran in from off the street. I just love this video.

Then you have to read this book "Kick Me" by the creator - Paul Feig. I read it a few years ago and I just saw it on my bookshelf the other night so I'm reading it again. It's a book that details his neurotic childhood growing up in the 70's.

There are so many 70's references in this book that hit home that you'll be cracking up on every page. Unless you didn't grow up in the 70's. Either way, you'll love this book. Trust me. Would I steer you wrong?

His style is similar to David Sedaris. You get the inside look into what's going on in his demented head. Kind of reminds me of me a bit except both of these guys were major wusses. Self described wusses. But just the way that they analyze everything in their heads..every detail..making up scenarios for every situation is pretty much what I do.

I was just reading the part last night where he's talking about health class and everyone was forced to blow into the mouth of Resusci Anne - the rubber doll that teaches you how to give mouth to mouth. He's so germ phobic that he fakes fainting so he doesn't have to do it. Whooops. I gave something away.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I had a bunch of weird dreams last night. In one, I was on a reality TV show where you get hooked up to an Avatar (like in the movie Avatar) and you travel back in time and go on dates again that you had in high school.

I'm not kidding. I really had this dream. Sadly though, the dream ended before I went on the date. And that sucks because I was hoping to relive one of the dates/hookups that I most regret.

It was the Summer between 11th and 12th grade and I actually called up a girl that had just graduated because my sister ran into her at a party and she said I should call her. And I was floored because I only knew her from art class. She was really cool and she was hot. A blond haired, short cute chick. A year older and a year more experienced.

So I called her up and asked her out. And I couldn't believe she said yes. We go out on the date, and we ended up cruising around and parking*. She was into The Who so I pop in the cassette of Who's Next. Then we start making out. Then "heavy petting". Then it was getting more and more heated. Her pants are off and shirt is open. Everything except "it" happened. And I have no idea why I didn't round home. My policy before then had always been, "Keep going until they say no". Then, ask again...perhaps beg. I don't know.

But it always bothered me because we never went out again. I really can't remember if I never called her or if I called her and she said no. And I don't know how I can even forget because here was this cool, hot chick and..well...I feel like I blew it. Maybe it's because I liked her and thought that I better not go all the way and ruin it.

It also could have been that around this time I was kind of shy. I wasn't shy around my friends but sometimes around strangers and girls I would clam up. About a year later for some reason I got major confidence and my mission in life was to meet girls. Everything revolved around it and I had no inhibitions about approaching women. And it turns out, that's the key I found. Opening up your trap and talking you stupid idiot.

I think I'll have write some more posts to go deeper into this subject. Anyone else have any dating regrets?