Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Love Contract

I have made some changes to the post that was removed and would like to do a re-post and include the original, unpublished comments. Thank you, Dear Reader, for staying with me and sharing your thoughts. Here it is, all doctored up:

I believe that people like NMIL are afraid of those individuals they can not manipulate or control. In a zero-sum game of their own creation, they are afraid to be the "losers." Oddly enough, NMIL set things up a long time ago for her own inevitable downfall. When she created sides and made me out to be the bad guy, she lost. When she attempted to force her son into a role he didn't belong in, she lost. When she tried to harm me and my children, she lost.

I believe NMIL is afraid of me because I asked DH to chose himself instead of her. She's afraid of me because I won't play her games and be her superficial pet. She's afraid of me because, to her, I represent the LOSS of an emotional limb for her, and without it, she feels crippled. She's afraid of me because she believes, with all of her measly being, that I took away her son...as though I had the power to do that...as though he didn't have the power to stop me. She is afraid because I look her in the eye. She's afraid because I can See her for what she really is. She's afraid because I can See through her manipulative tactics. She's afraid because I won't be controlled, and I won't let my loved ones be either. She is afraid because I LOVE, while she can not. She is afraid of DH's love for me, and mine for him. People like NMIL are always afraid of people like me.

Narcs always use the same tactics. Guilting: Check. Scapegoating: Check. Manipulating: Check. Shaming: Double check. These people are fucked up. Because love, real love, is not selfish and it is not a contract. Love is not a push-me-pull-me game, and if it's real, it can never be a failure. Love is not about fulfilling someone's neediness. No amount of loving will ever fill an empty person up.

I value my mom's opinions and insights infinitely. I will tell you this: The phrase, "More Phony Than a Three Dollar Bill" came from her, when she was describing NMIL's RSVP to our baby shower. My mom was the first person I called, immediately after the Naunt Apartment Fiasco, and even then, she had my back. As I told her the events that had unfolded, and the things that had been said that night, she echoed my thoughts and validated my feelings. I trust my mom without a doubt, and she told me that I needed to trust mine. My mom has almost a sixth sense about people. When she says she doesn't like someone, I believe her. She doesn't like NMIL. My mom is a true champion, the bravest person I know. People like NMIL absolutely cower in her presence. They may be afraid of me, but I guarantee my mom could haunt their dreams.

For all those NPs out there like NMIL there are people like my mom: kind, loving, and beautiful. Together, we can untwist the contortion that is a Narcissist's love. We can break their "love contract".

The following are comments from original post, which still apply. I have no way of publishing them as comments, which is why I'm including them in the post instead. I didn't want them to be lost when I deleted the original post:

Shaun said: I believe NMIL is afraid of me because I asked DH to chose himself instead of her. She's afraid of me because I won't play her games and be her superficial pet. She's afraid of me because, to her, I represent the LOSS of an emotional limb for her, and without it, she feels crippled. She's afraid of me because she believes, with all of her measly being, that I took away her son...as though I had the power to do that...as though he didn't have the power to stop me...She is afraid of DH's love for me, and mine for him. Gawd damn! That’s powerful stuff right there, Jonsi. There’s a parallel here: like seeing a spider in the corner of a room. (I’m deathly afraid of spiders!) What does one say when they try to calm the frightened person down in that situation? “They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.” It’s so true, even of the Narc. Yet I’m still irrationally afraid of my N-mom. Lots of food for thought to digest in this post, Jonsi.

Pronoia Agape said: Yes, so true! I also saw love as a "flawless contract" and was really surprised when my DH didn’t leave me if I said “no” to him or disagreed with him or told him what I disliked about his behavior! I was shocked every time!

Judy said: What a blessing there are mothers out there like Jonsi’s mom!

Mulderfan said: My NPS hated my late DH because he saw right through them. At first, when he was just my BF they turned the charm on full blast and maintained the family façade. The longer we dated the more he saw and when we married, their masks slipped completely. Their victim had an ally and the the gloves were off!

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I wanted to have a place where I could write anonymously about the relationships in my life: good and bad, healthy and unhealthy, and all that those relationships entail. I feel that questioning leads to understanding which, in turn, leads to action. We can change and our best can get better. It takes work, commitment, and honesty, but it can be done.

I am fascinated by what makes people tick. Why do they treat others a certain way? How does our childhood affect our lives as we enter adulthood? How do we handle the problems that arise in the relationships we encounter? When is it okay to let go, and when should we hold on? This blog is a way for me to attempt to answer those questions.

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I am a thinker, an explorer and a Truth warrior. My life journey requires me to write from my mind, heart, and indomitable spirit. I ask why. I rock the boat. I seek the Truth. In life, as with writing, this is what I know, "Spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time." I admire the world like I would an opponent, without ever taking my eyes from him or walking away. (Annie Dillard, The Writing Life). Life is lived in the details. Love is lived in the Truth.