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beau-jolly on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-253187
Wed, 18 Mar 2015 15:00:43 +0000beau-jolly253187@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Congrat on the FP.<br />
5 stars from Titus but I notice that the 1 star troll diluted it. Why?
</p>Iroquois Pliskin on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-253172
Wed, 18 Mar 2015 14:31:04 +0000Iroquois Pliskin253172@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Great effort, and published too. 4.
</p>FlashArry on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-253094
Tue, 17 Mar 2015 22:50:09 +0000FlashArry253094@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Still not sure of the headline, but liked the post. Is there a 'career politician' gag that can be thrown in the mix as well ?
</p>Wicked Lady on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-253030
Tue, 17 Mar 2015 17:51:28 +0000Wicked Lady253030@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Have edited the headline.
</p>Wicked Lady on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-253012
Tue, 17 Mar 2015 15:08:44 +0000Wicked Lady253012@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Wow Titus! Thanks for the 5 stars, my first ever! I have had a go at including a ref to Cyril Smith as you suggested.
</p>Titus on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-253002
Tue, 17 Mar 2015 14:44:06 +0000Titus253002@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>This is good - I like it. The wobbling penguins certainly deserve better coverage, and this is nice satire.</p>
<p>Perhaps a possible reference to the now-extinct Cyril Smith 'Dodo' bird, or the odd flight of the Jeremy Thorpe bird?
</p>Wicked Lady on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-252992
Tue, 17 Mar 2015 14:31:04 +0000Wicked Lady252992@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>An idea inspired by the Penguin story. I think both the title and the final paragraph are weak (as I'm sure other areas are too!) so would greatly appreciate any ideas, tips on how to improve. Thanks!
</p>Wicked Lady on "Scientists research into Lib Dem 'wobble' shows applied left and right forces"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87493#post-252991
Tue, 17 Mar 2015 14:29:31 +0000Wicked Lady252991@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Lurching from left to right, the Lib Dem ‘wobble’ has baffled scientists for years. Finally, research conducted by Penguin watchers at London Zoo may have unlocked the key to this seemingly inefficient party’s means of mobilisation.</p>
<p>Electronic plates were installed in the corridors of Westminster and BBC studios to measure the level of lurch to the left or right. As Lib Dems trod these paths, scientists were able to gauge how a Lib Dem politician propels himself in political life. </p>
<p>Psephologist, Dr Ivor B Dunn could hardly contain his excitement as Nick Clegg hoved into sight. To encouraging shouts of “Go Clegg, go!” Or possibly, “Oh go Clegg go, please just go” Clegg was enticed into the corridors of power via a dangled juicy treat called a Coalition Agreement.</p>
<p>“Lib Dems move in a really weird way”, said Dr Dunn. “By examining their record in this Parliament I’ve been able to ascertain that this lurch is really their most efficient way of maintaining power, although political propulsion may have come at the expense of loss of credibility. </p>
<p>“Interestingly, as the General Election looms, I’ve observed more of a leftwards roll in the hope that they might, once again, end up in an influential position to form a new Government. This time, however, I’m not sure it’s going to help them gain any traction.”</p>
<p>One thing Dr Dunn has observed, however, is that former Lib Dem ‘big bird’ Charles Kennedy was weaving from left to right for years with little hope of success. He has recently been seen indulging in this behaviour in a more marked way on Newsnight but this was unlikely to help his electoral chances. As Dr Dunn conceded, there has to be an exception to prove the rule.</p>
<p>"There have been other examples where the Lib Dems have failed to get their party off the ground", he continued. "For example, Cyril Smith, although an undoubted political heavyweight, found himself swimming in murky waters in the company of dolphins, although this didn't appear to do him any harm at the time."
</p>HarryTheBiscuit on "Lazy workers can't be bothered to claim for unfair dismissal"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=32598#post-92755
Wed, 26 Oct 2011 07:48:41 +0000HarryTheBiscuit92755@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Apparently there's a government report about this but I really can't be bothered to read it much less write about it...have a look at the BBC or something, I dunno, stuff....
</p>trish marsh on "Pandemic of quantitative sneezing predicted"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=31054#post-87504
Tue, 27 Sep 2011 08:38:05 +0000trish marsh87504@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>International health experts have issues a joint warning at the highest level of an imminent attach of the quantitative sneezing virus.</p>
<p>“The dangers are greatest in the developed west” a spokesman said. “ Key symptoms of this deadly virus are sneezing, wheezing and a general weakness brought on by the debilitating hemorrhaging of assets and economic vitality. The population at large should take active steps to avoid contagion as a matter of urgency.”</p>
<p>In a controversial move politicians have got involved in this health debate, prescribing retail therapy for sufferers. They have recommended shopping trips, visits to the opera, adventurous holiday in the UK and even participation in extreme sports. Doctors are furious at this incursion into their speciality and have advised the public to take no notice of these unorthodox and potentially dangerous suggestions.</p>
<p>“This virus is very poorly understood” say leading researchers. “Despite attacks by closely related viruses in the last few years we are little further forward in understanding how this particular mutation works. Bred as it is in foetid meeting rooms late at night by exhausted delegates charged with miracle working its DNA is remarkably convoluted. We are doing everything we can to understand its workings but so far they remain impenetrable.”</p>
<p>Health experts point out that the quantitative sneezing virus has a marked age skew in its effects. While young adults appear superficially to suffer relatively little, at least in the short term, those in the second half of life are expected to be devastated by its effects, despite their efforts over decades to build up a cushion of resistance.</p>
<p>The only group predicted to be completely immune to the pandemic are the banking and financial sector. In a bizarre turn of events they have actively welcomed the disease, which they insist on calling “ quantitative pleasing”. Strangely the virus only makes this group stronger, building their immunity and strength with every exposure. Doctors are at a loss to explain this and are making preliminary bids to fund a research programme to develop a vaccine from the DNA of members of the banking sector as a matter of urgency.
</p>petebrown on "Tense UN climate talks reach agreement on next venue"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18242#post-49102
Sat, 11 Dec 2010 17:41:13 +0000petebrown49102@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Brilliant quote at the end. Bloody diplomats!
</p>dogwheels on "Tense UN climate talks reach agreement on next venue"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=18242#post-49100
Sat, 11 Dec 2010 17:20:16 +0000dogwheels49100@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Diplomats from countries around the world have finally reached a deal on where the next UN climate change summit will be held, ending days of tense negotiation.</p>
<p>The next round of talks will now be held in the Maldives, with an and added condition that no future talks will be hosted by any resort that is less than five-star.</p>
<p>The UN-sponsored climate talks, held in Cancun this week, looked set to end in deadlock until an eleventh-hour deal was struck to agree the next venue.</p>
<p>Some countries in attendance were set to walk out of the talks when the UK proposed holding the next summit in Northern Ireland.</p>
<p>However, it received a cool response from the gathered nations, many of who had experienced the rain and cold of Gleneagles when the G20 was held there.</p>
<p>Delegates now say they have delivered a workable framework for moving forward and the chamber was filled with sighs of relief and cheers when the deal was finally agreed.</p>
<p>Diego Monterro of the Argentine delegation said: 'Cancun has been brilliant, so it was really important that we ensured we don't drop in quality next time.</p>
<p>'This morning I had a hot stone massage and then spent an hour and a half at the all you can eat breakfast buffet.</p>
<p>'When we're getting to stay in this sort of resort full comp, why would we agree to anything less next time?'</p>
<p>At the start of the talks, it was recognised that a previous summit held in Kyoto, Japan, was a major issue that had to be resolved.</p>
<p>Julie Wert, special envoy from the Dutch government, explained: 'Kyoto was a bit of a disaster - the TVs in the rooms only had 200 channels, the restaurant insisted on serving nothing but "regional" cuisine and there was only six masseurs for the whole conference.</p>
<p>'In short, it didn't live up to its billing and the Americans have had real trouble dealing with that ever since. And we all know that if they are not on board then it just can't work'</p>
<p>The new agreement also has the added concession that future venues will be resorts that have associations with celebrity chefs. </p>
<p>A proposal by China to hold a future summit in New York so delegates could visit Macy's was deemed too controversial an issue and will be dealt with when the talks are re-convened.</p>
<p>Reflecting on the success of the Cancun summit, Geoff Trimble, who was representing the UK, said: 'Let me put it this way - I got pretty rough with the hooker I took back to my room last night and, long story short, she probably won't walk again.</p>
<p>'But what's great is that the hotel cleaned the whole mess up for me, no questions asked. I mean come on, that's the sort of result we're looking for and I really hope the next round of talks can live up to what we've achieved here.'
</p>Kazytc on "Scientists Save the world!"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=13522#post-36724
Tue, 05 Oct 2010 23:54:30 +0000Kazytc36724@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>New Hope for the worlds Politicians and country leaders was revealed today, they are to have grants given to them, for brain transplants, after scientists found that 10 out of every 10, world leaders and politicians, had suffered severe retardation of their brain cells at birth, on account of their huge heads being too big, to make it down the birth canal, without injury.</p>
<p>Brain Crushing Syndrome (BCS) has been found to be incurable, other than for a complete brain transplant operation.</p>
<p>The brains of Monkeys on life support machines will be used for the transplants with parental permission of Monkey donors.</p>
<p>There have been a mass of applications from world leaders and politicians who are now keen to have this revolutionary treatment, thanks to favourable voting by the public, in every country, who have been to the ballot boxes in their millions to vote in this new regulation.</p>
<p>Masses of new trees will be planted in every country in the world, so that world leaders and politicians, can get into the swing of their new found intellect, there will be no need for newspapers as a result, as the population of the world will now be able to rely upon the new "Jungle Telegraph".</p>
<p>One of the first public figures to be booked in for this amazing new treatment is former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and second to that has been former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair Witch. </p>
<p>Already this revolutionary new treatment is a big hit in the UK. </p>
<p>Tony Blair will be programmed to stop writing rubbish and publishing it, whilst Gordon Brown will be programmed to stop calling decent old ladies bigots.</p>
<p>Another former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, has also opted for a mouth transplant to stop her mouth being so emotive in public.</p>
<p>Margaret Thatcher will have her brain programmed to stop her from having delusions of grandeur and to remain silent for the rest of her life.</p>
<p>In the US, George W Bush and Sarah Palin are amongst the first in the queue for this new treatment. </p>
<p>George Bush will have his brain programmed to ensure he gets his phone the right way up from now on whilst Sarah Palin will have hers programmed to cure her addiction to drinking tea, wearing frumpy old maid suits and talking too much without stopping for breath, not to mention being addicted to Margaret Thatcher.</p>
<p>Osama Bin Laden is one of the first in the middle east to be put forward for this operation which is very encouraging as hopefully it will see an end to the terror campaign he has headed. </p>
<p>He will have his new brain programmed to ensure he stays away from swinging around tower blocks in large cities and has a phobia of planes to stop him from ever boarding one.</p>
<p>There is now some hope for the planet and for humanity, we shall of course keep you up to date with who is next on the list for a new brain and what it will be programmed to do.</p>
<p>More news later, watch this space.
</p>