The art of being gay

Have you heard the latest? Not only are metrosexual men taking all the good appointment times at waxing and hair salons, now they are taking over the gay dance floors.

A new breed of men, including the Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh in his younger days, prefers to haunt gay venues to pick up women. "It was prudent to act a little camp," wrote the straight Scot in his London Daily Telegraph column last week, "as the straight, good-looking girls had no shortage of vanity and would try to get you over to the other side."

Never one to miss a bandwagon, and especially not one as potentially lucrative as this, I have decided to open a college to teach straight males the art of being gay. The Gay Academy for Youth (because youth is valued above all in gay culture and anyone over 35 is immediately banished to a faraway place) will take the form of a four-day camp.

Day one: grooming. How to get ready for a night out in just under an hour, along with the finer details of shaving v waxing. Other topics include the short-back-and-sides haircut and the gym as your new best friend.

Day two: music. ");document.write("

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The lesson will begin with a musical tribute to our forefathers, featuring Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand. At the end, you will be split into groups and must debate the topic: Kylie v Dannii. Extra marks will be given for drag impersonations, preferably with ill-fitting dresses, bad dance moves memorised in front of the mirror and out-of-sync miming.

Day three: dancing. Topics include the dying art of how to dance while flexing (tip: keep your arms as close to your body as possible). Other topics include dealing with confined spaces, when to put your hands in the air and deodorant for beginners.

Day four: picking up. This is the most popular lesson and will teach you the finer details of kissing (how much tongue is too much), the morning after, the art of text messaging and how to spot stalkers.

At the end of the course there is an optional excursion to Sydney's largest gay nightclub. Here you will learn exactly why the ladies' loo is always quicker and you'll hear various theories on the best place to park yourself for the night (right near the loo because everyone has to go at least once during the night).

On completion of the course at the GAY, participants will receive a certificate that they can proudly display on their (very neat, clean and off-white) bedroom wall. And the next time you're in a stylish bar trying to chat up the ladies you'll be able to swap waxing tips and Minogue gossip with the best of them.

And if anyone who hasn't been on the course asks you what team you're on, slowly run your manicured hand through your short, clean hair and politely reply, "Oh, Australia's, mate". That'll keep 'em guessing.

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