I spend a lot of time being in terrible relationships. And, sometimes, I reflect on these past relationships. Or, lack there-of. Or, what I would consider relationships because it involved multiple encounters of hanging out together and being intimate, but, where the other person is like “What? No, this is casssssuuuuuuaaaaalllll….thiis is so casual…why are you expecting me to treat you like a human person? You are so absurd and clingy!”

And, sure, I’ll take some of the blame because, holy moly, I have some terrible taste in partners. But, after the initial let down I get pretty bummed. I need a little pick me up, a little “how do I get over some jerk being a jerk to me?”

And, I’ve solicited advice. From google. And in the many, many articles I have combed through I have found some okay advice. Mostly, however, I have found some very obnoxious advice (or what passes for advice now a-days). A consolidated version of the most annoying tidbits look like this–

Immerse yourself in a new hobby:

Oh, yea, no…sure. Because…I work 8-5 with an hour commute tacked on to each end, and then I come home and walk my dog, and make dinner– but, I FOR SURE have enough time and energy to start taking up glass-blowing or para-gliding or whatever. Be real! I bearely had enough time to hang out with the jerk, now I’m supposed to be fitting in a whole new hobby regimen!? Did you think I didn’t have hobbies before? That my hobby was hanging out with losers and getting my heart beat up? That’s not a hobby for me. That’s an unfortunate event. I have hobbies, I don’t need new hobbies, I need some advice on how to not be so bummed out.

Cut off all communication:

I get that in an ideal world where we all live in a fantasy land where we somehow didn’t meet people that we are having relationships with in intersecting spheres of our lives this makes perfect sense. Uh, yea, of course if I could never see or talk to that person again I wouldn’t. But,it turns out, I live in the real world, where real people live, and I end up having to encounter people I’ve been intimate with for a multitude of reasons and I can’t just ignore them while we are sitting across from one another at some function. Like, I would like to ignore them, but, it’s so hard to do that at the one grocery store that is open at 2am when I desperately need the beer it takes to drown my sorrows and the checker that I was sleeping with wants to know if i want paper or plastic.

Just move on:

Oh! Oh really? Should I just ~move on~? Is that why I am reading this article entitled “101 ways to move on”? Well, if I had only known all I had to do is move on I would have done that. I can’t even believe that’s actual advice. It’s actual advice that is referenced multiple times. Yes, I realize I need to move on, that’s why I am asking for advice. Maybe I will move on, to a different article that is actually helpful.

But, from the horrors of my life, I have come away with a few things that have helped me get through the tough times. The sad times. The “why do I even care about this person who is so clearly awful. Maybe if I could stop thinking about them for ten seconds I could,” times.

1.Eat a lot of whatever it is you like:

You like ice cream? Good! Me too! Eat it. Eat a lot of it. As much as you want, and then more. Don’t worry about the calories or the sugar or the gluten or whatever. Are you lactose intolerant? Fine. Eat some cookies. You have a gluten allergy? Whatever, get some kale chips or popcorn or something, I don’t know. Just don’t worry about it and start the damn healing process already. You know this works. You’ve seen literally one thousand movies where heart-broken people are drowning their sorrows in food. You think that they just pulled that off the top of their head? Noooooo. This is Hollywood, man. When was the last time Hollywood had an original idea? They use it because it works! It’s a thing. Just do it already. If you’re really that worried about the weight do it at the gym while you’re on the treadmill. Get your gallon of ice cream and crank that baby up to a full run and go to town.

2. Realize they do not and are not going to miss you.

They aren’t. .I am so sorry. Like, I know there are a ton of songs that say dumb shit like “you’re going to miss me” and, “I’m gonna make you miss me” or, “you’re gonna be really bummed out that you didn’t want to keep banging me because I’m actually super cool” (I may have made that last one up), but they are lies. Ain’t nobody missing you or going to be wanting you back. They should be missing you. But, it turns out, you have horrible taste. And you are hanging out with d-bags who are not going to miss you. And, it would be really cool if I could be like “But, no, sometimes they do miss you. And they want you back,”. Gross. No. That’s a lie. Do NOT fall for it. If they are missing you and wanting you back it is because they are in some place where they wished someone else was missing them and they are trying to feel validated. Put some garlic around your neck and send that vampire home. They will suck all your happy life-blood that you just cultivated by eating the equivalent of a Ben and Jerry’s factory right out of you.

3.Be fucking awesome.

No, but, for real. Forget about finally figuring out how to paint and picking up tennis and learning French. Just, do the things you want to do. Love them. Recognize that you are really rad and not everyone will appreciate that. And recognize that a lot of time people are idiots (like,most of the time). That way the next time some shmuck comes around wanting some of your time, you can recognize how much your time is worth. And should you choose to give that person some of your time, that will be your choice and on your terms. And it may end up sucking again. And you might have to break out the ice cream/cookies/kalechips/whatever. But, in the end, you will know that you are the most bad ass person you can be because you are focusing your time and energy on you, and not worrying about how you are going to fit in your new cross-fit work out into your day now that you have to drive across town so you don’t run into the person you were seeing.

But most importantly–

Ask yourself- :Do you actually like this person more than you like sleeping diagonally in your bed?

Oh my gosh, probably not. Do you know why? Because sleeping diagonally in your bed is AWESOME. Sleeping horizontally, vertically, in a ball, spread eagle…all the ways you can sleep in a bed when you are alone and some random isn’t in there with you taking up space. Seriously, if you are heart broken, or even just bummed out because your one-night stand didn’t turn into a two-night stand, just ask yourself if their company is really more awesome than being able to sleep however you want in your own bed.

And if you do find that special someone who is super worth sharing the space with then you should let them know exactly how much they mean to you. I suggest a card, or a placard.

Look at that, I just solved your Valentine’s Day crisis—you’re welcome America.