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Dr. Kelso: Here you go, sport. (tosses frisbee back to him) But call me "grandpa" again, and you and I are gonna play a little game called "hide the wingtip". (man raises his eyebrows) There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

(Man leaves, Dr. Kelso sits on the bench next to Maggie)

Maggie: Hi, Bob. That's why I always save you a place. You keep the riff raff in check.

Dr. Kelso: My pleasure. Well, let's see what Enid packed for lunch today. A stapler and a golf ball. She's not well.

Maggie: Trade ya. My apple for your golf ball.

Dr. Kelso: Done. Maggie, how long has your foot been like that?

(Maggie's foot, swollen and bruised)

(Cut to Sacred Heart. J.D. and Carla are there)

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Turkelton, I want you to take good care of my friend Maggie here. Don't worry, we'll take care of you.

Carla: Name and insurance, please.

Maggie: Maggie Kent, and none.

Carla: All right, let's find her a room.

J.D.'s narration: When a patient doesn't have insurance, you have to work around the system. First, you have to find someone who's recently died.

J.D.: (enthusiastically) Cool, Mr. Rabinowitz just kicked it! (Maggie gives him an odd look) Oh, don't worry, he put his peep in an electrical socket. You can't do that.

(Cut to Doug pushing a gurney down the hall)

J.D.'s narration: Then you have to convince the morgue guy to sit on the paperwork so the deceased's bed stays open. (J.D. hands Doug a red lollipop)

Doug: Deal.

J.D.'s narration: Then you have to get the floor nurses to play along.

(Laverne handing Maggie her lunch)

Laverne: Enjoy your kosher meal, Mr. Rabinowitz.

J.D.'s narration: Then you have to find a surgeon to do the work pro bono.

(Cut to Turk and The Todd at the surgical board)

The Todd: Dude, I've had a pro bono, like, all morning. Something-might-be-wrong five! (they high five)

Turk: I got this one.

J.D.'s narration: But, most importantly, you can't let any higher-ups find out that a patient is uninsured, even if they're the ones who brought her here in the first place.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso with Maggie)

Maggie: Bob, I want to thank you for doing all this, even though I don't have any...

(J.D. and Turk grab Dr. Kelso)

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk to you.

Dr. Kelso: What is it?

J.D.: Uh, we want to go somewhere with you.

Dr. Kelso: Okay. Where?

J.D.: A spa. We'd like to get some massages.

Dr. Kelso: Well, I know just the place.

(Cut to Turk, J.D. and Dr. Kelso at an asian spa, getting massages)

(Turk screams in pain)

Turk: Great, now I've got a crick in my neck.

Dr. Kelso: (clears his throat) We're gonna get a little graphic here, so you fellas might want to look the other way, or not, it's your choice.

Dr. Kelso: Why so awkward? You never saw a colleague get a happy ending before?

Turk: No, not that happy.

J.D.: But thank you for including us.

(Cut to Elliot walking down the hall. Enter Dr. Cox)

Dr. Cox: Oh, say, Barbie, wait just a second. I gotta tell you, you look... Well, darn it all, you look great today.

Elliot (laughs): Thanks!

Dr. Cox: Yeah.

Elliot: I started using that new facial cream made from baby foreskins.

Dr. Cox: Oh!

Elliot: But I don't understand... You haven't complimented me in six years. Why today?

Dr. Cox: Well, since you're a private practice doctor who went home yesterday at 5:00, leaving me up all night with your melanoma patient, I just knew if I complimented you, sure as shootin' you'd look at me just a hair too long, and then this would happen.

(Elliot screams and crashes into a man in a wheel chair with a broken leg, and falls down. Man in wheelchair screams in pain)

Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?

Dr. Cox: I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

(Elliot stands up and picks up her papers, and starts walking toward the Nurse's station)

Elliot: I'm in a hurry. I promised one of my patients that I would meet him for his first day of drug counselling. See? I wrote it right there.

(Shows notepad to Dr. Cox, who looks at it)

Dr. Cox: Oh, Barboo, gimme a break. Why in God's name do you think I'd care about anything that you wrote down?

Elliot: You wouldn't.

(Dr. Cox walks into a closed door, and falls down)

Elliot: Ha!

Carla: Nice! Hey, can you believe who the new drug counseller is? (motions with her head towards the group, cut to the drug counselling meeting)

Sam Thompson: I just want you all to know that I've been right where you are. Hell, a couple of years ago, I was in this very hospital, scamming that nice doctor over there for painkills. (motions Elliot) Can everyone say hi to Dr. Reid?

Group: Hi, Dr. Reid.

Elliot: Hey, drug addicts! What's up?

(Cut to Laverne and Carla at the Nurse's station. Laverne reading "Independent Woman", a magazine)

Laverne: Girl, can you believe what they sell in these white people magazines? Look here. This is a computer chip that you can put in your baby's foot, so you can track it. Like a baby LoJack.

Carla: Yeah, white people do that craziest things.

Laverne: Like bumper stickers. I don't give a damn what you brake for.

(Enter Janitor, chuckling)

Janitor: I know. White people. (Laverne and Carla give him an odd look) No... No, my step-mom is one-quarter Inuit, so I'm part Eskimo. Anyway, small favor. I need your baby. I'm getting into the baby broker business. Nothing illicit, I'm just hooking up folks who can't have babies with folks that don't want babies.

Carla: You, leave.

(Exit Janitor)

Carla: You, give me that baby LoJack number.

Laverne (hands the number to Carla): Already tore it out.

(Enter Turk)

Turk: Hey.

Carla: Babe, where were you? We were supposed to meet for breakfast.

Turk: My bad, I was hanging out with J.D. and Rowdy, and we decided to pull a prank that we used to do back in the day.

Dr. Kelso: If this is your way of trying to make me feel guilty about paving over that Indian burial ground, it isn't going to work. We needed the damn parking spaces! Now, why in the hell are we paying this much money for scrubs?

Ted: Maybe people are stealing them.

Dr. Kelso: Now, why would people be stealing scrubs?

(Flashback. Ted comes home, wearing blue scrubs)

Ted: Hey, Mom. A guy tried to die on me today, but I didn't let him. (throws keys on the table) I didn't let him.

Janitor (appears from behind the couch): No, it's not bald, black doctor. It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit Janitor, and this is the real Rowdy.

Carla: Excuse me?

Janitor: You recall a couple years ago, you lost him?

(Flashback. Janitor giving Carla Stephen in the Doctor's Lounge, after she lost Rowdy)

Janitor: Woof-woof.

(Carla gasps)

Janitor's voice-over: You were panicked that your husband was gonna find out, so I sold my entire stuffed squirrel army (cut to the squirrel army in Janitor's garage, then cut back to Doctor's Lounge) in exchange for Stephen, an exact replica.

(End flashback)

Janitor: What you don't know is that I retraced your steps that day, and I found Rowdy. Now, I think if your husband knew that he'd been loving a fake dead dog all this time, he'd be very unhappy.

Carla: You're a crazy person.

Janitor: Am I? Or am I a brilliant mastermind who's waited two long years until he needed something from you? And now that day has come. Here's what I want. I want your baby. We already talked about that. I want you to tell that new borderline anorexic nurse to eat a sandwich and then to go salsa dancing with me. Also, I want you to teach me to salsa dance. I want a pound of frankincense, mostly just to see what it is. And, lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff with the main barista down at Coffee Bucks. He's not above poisoning me, so I'm gonna need you to be my official beverage taster. Yes?

Carla: I'm just gonna confess everything to Turk.

(Exit Carla)

Janitor (as Rowdy): Grrrrrrrr.

Janitor: No, easy, boy, we'll get her.

(Cut to the Nurse's station. Laverne and Elliot already there as Dr. Cox walks towards the station)

Elliot: Why can't you just give Sam a break?

Dr. Cox: Look, the only thing Sam did was to go from being a lying drug addict, to being a lying drug addict who works here.

Elliot: People change. I knew this one migrant worker from our orchard, Ramon. He used to say "I hate applesauce. It destroys the integrity of the la manzana." Manzana's Spanish for "apple". Anyway. Last time I was home, I asked how Ramon was doing. Vice President of Mott's Applesauce. It's true, Ramon Delgado, look him up on the Internet.

Dr. Cox: I will.

Elliot: Don't, I made it up. The point is, people can change and you know it.

Dr. Cox: Nothing ever changes. The artist formerly known as Prince is still just Prince. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife. Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voiceover that ties together all of the storylines, which, incidentally, is my least favorite device on television. Newbie continually will try to violate my "no touching" policy. (looks around) Uh-huh. And Republicans will forever try to raise... (J.D. hugs Dr. Cox)

J.D.: Sneak hug!

(Exit J.D.)

Dr. Cox: Of course, I would go kill him right now, but he actually just helped prove my point.

Laverne: This is gonna help, too. There are 10 orders of Percocet missing from the pharmacy.

(Enter Sam)

Dr. Cox: Well, I think I have a pretty good idea who I'm gonna give my complimentary urine test to. (whistles at Sam)

(Cut to J.D. and Turk with Maggie)

Maggie: So, how bad is it going to be?

Turk: Well, you're going to lose the dead tissue, but, thanks to modern medicine, you're gonna keep most of your foot. You wouldn't believe how much worse it would have been even a few years ago.

(J.D.'s fantasy. Maggie dressed in medieval clothes with a wooden baton in her mouth and tied down, screaming. Turk, also wearing medieval clothes, holding a make-shift saw to Maggie's foot.)

Turk: This might hurteth a little.

(Enter J.D., also wearing medieval clothes)

J.D.: Look, milady, I know it stinks that we're removing your foot and plan to eat it tonight at the Healing Feast, but you wouldn't believeth (Turk sawing the foot off) how much worse this would have been even a few years ago.

(Cuts to Maggie as a cavewoman, showing her bruised foot J.D. and Turk, also caveman)

Maggie: Unga unga bunga ungo.

Turk: Unga.

J.D.: Buga buga.

Turk: Unga bunga.

Maggie: Ooh? Hmm?

(Turk takes a club and hits Maggie. Turk and J.D. start clobbering Maggie with their clubs)

Turk: Unga! Unga! Unga!

(J.D. hits Turk with his club)

J.D.'s narration: Unga bunga tonga runga, katonga patonga bonga.

(End of fantasy)

J.D.: I may have killed you, but I think I was upset about it.

(Cut to the ICU. Enter Dr. Kelso)

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, people! Gather round. Not you, Mr. Miler. Staff only. All right, this is going to be very simple. Whoever has been stealing scrubs is going to raise their hand, pay the hospital back and be immediately fired. Let's see 'em. (nobody raises their hand) Okay, you people leave me no choice.

(Cut to the same scene, but, instead of colorful scrubs, the staff are wearing dark brown scrubs)

Dr. Kelso: There, now you all have to wear scrubs so hideous that no one would steal them. You brought this on yourself, you thieving bastards.

(Exit Dr. Kelso, enter Carla)

Carla: Turk, I need to talk to you about Rowdy...

Turk: Okay, wait. Before you say anything, sorry I skipped out on breakfast to good around with Rowdy, but you gotta understand, Rowdy is more than just a dead toy to J.D. and me. We got him together in college and he's always been there.

(Cut to an empty patient's room. Rowdy is on the bed, and Carla is teaching Janitor to salsa dance)

Carla: The key to the salsa is passion.

Janitor: And spin! (makes Carla spin, who is then knocked into a door)

Elliot: Maybe we should post the transcript for your "nothing ever changes" rant in the cancer ward for the chemo patients as a little pick-me-up. Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy, except for when they're really vague and generic.

(Enter J.D., walking past)

J.D.'s narration: And so, in the end, I knew what Elliot said about the way things were has forever changed the way we all thought about them.

Elliot: Look, I know that you feel stupid for falsely accusing Sam, but it all goes away if you just apologize to him.

Dr. Cox: Way ahead of you on that score, Barboo. I wanted to surprise the gentleman with something I thought he'd really enjoy, so I went out and got him a brick of heroin shaped like a heart. Now, if I could just find him a funny card.

Elliot: If you really thought he was still a drug addict, you wouldn't let him counsel people.

Dr. Cox: Of course I would. Addicts make the very best counsellors, because they know just exactly what druggies are going through, mainly because, and see if you can follow this, they're currently going thought it, too.

Elliot: I don't care what you think. I'm always gonna believe in people.

(Exit Elliot)

Dr. Cox: All the best with that Barbidiot.

(Exit Dr. Cox, enter Dr. Kelso)

Dr. Kelso: You brought these caca-colored scrubs on yourselves, folks, and thanks for playing along with that hideous suit, Ted.

Carla: Here's the deal. When nobody's looking, we grab Stephen and make him go bye-bye. Then there will only be one dog left. So, when Lurch suddenly shows up with the real Rowdy, Turk will have to assume that he's the one who stole him from the car. Got it?