Thursday, February 09, 2006

To be blessed...and to know it...

A bitch spent last night in the emergency room…Barnes/Jewish on Kingshighway to be specific. My beloved sister, C-Money, had an allergic reaction to something and broke out in severe hives with alarming swelling of the hands and arms. She was in New York on business and flew back home around 6pm...a bitch had her in the emergency room by 7pm and we spent the evening there.

Let me tell everyone that C-Money is recovering well. We don’t know what set it off, but the meds are doing their thing.

And a bitch should also tell you that my ass is now in full post-traumatic event freak out. It will pass...

My sister and brother are my everything. There is no limit to my love for them and watching them suffer in any way is almost too much to take.

But a bitch is blessed and knows it…there were many other people in the emergency room who didn’t leave with their loved ones. And a bitch has had that experience...not the waiting in the room, but the result…the phone call that confirms that a life has ended and that nothing will ever be the same again.

So much happens in 5 hours. Group any random 45 individuals in a room together for 5 hours and life will happen, shit will go down and change will manifest.

This bitch wishes that everyone could have that type of experience and know it for what it is.

A bitch wishes that opponents to the morning after pill could sit in the assessment room. Would their eyes wander to the sexual assault protocol sheet on the wall? Would they allow themselves to ponder the 'what ifs', the 'there but for the grace of Gawd go I’s'…or would they ponder the tragedy of the fact that victims of a crime that ravaged choice from their physical bodies are now confronted with a medical situation that withholds choice for political gain?

Could they hear a young woman sobbing…see a young woman curl into her equally youthful friend as if she wanted to be absorbed into that body…as if she sought to fuse herself to that anchor and disappear? Would they see that? Would they…could they observe that and still speak about the morning after pill in that hollow and vacant voice that assumes the privilege of a life without molestation, rape or violation? Oh Gawd, a bitch couldn’t do it…and it broke my heart to witness such pain, such innocence…while sitting in that emergency room.

A bitch wishes everyone could witness the glory of familial love. How absolute it is…how wrenching in physical display. Just once...to sit in a room and see an elderly black man sit with startlingly erect posture in a wheel chair. Just once...to hear a nurse ask his companion if he can be moved…to see that companion turn and lean forward, gently take that fragile hand and ask softly if it was okay…then turn to the nurse and say “This is my Grandfather and I will move anywhere you need me to be.” Could they witness that and question the struggle for adequate healthcare? Would they gaze upon that and talk in terms of numbers…budgets…objectives and motherfucking priorities? Lawd, give me strength…a bitch couldn’t do it. My eyes were trapped…our gazes locked and everything a bitch was feeling was mirrored in that man’s frustrated gaze, which said to me.."This life…this man…this beloved family member is my priority. No budget…nothing means more than that at this moment."

Yes, my brother...nothing.

This bitch wishes that everyone could hear the laughter of an infant break through the silence of worry. If y’all could have seen the joy on that baby’s face…the pure happiness in his mischievous laughter. To witness the love wash over his grandmother’s face…and every face in the room. Oh it was so beautiful…old and young, White, Black, Asian and Hispanic…all turning towards that beautiful sound and smiling. You just couldn’t help but smile. It was a common joy…a much needed reminder of life. If we can share that in an emergency room, why on Earth can’t we share the rest of this shit out here?

And this bitch wishes everyone could hear their loved one’s name called and walk back to the treatment room with them without pause. A bitch wishes that everyone could listen to a doctor talk about medication and know that they can afford it…that the emergency room visit was 'covered'…that this essential treatment was going to happen without delay.

A bitch wishes that everyone left the emergency room and went home to fret over their loved one…and not the paperwork, the bills, the challenges, the decisions...the fucking compromises that now make up the American healthcare experience for far too many.

ABB, I'm glad your sister is going to be okay and I wish her the speediest of recoveries.

If there's one single thing that keeps me and my husband living in Germany, it's healthcare. We have standard coverage but I don't worry about not being able to afford a trip to the ER or having a hospital stay or affording medications. I feel very fortunate that I live where all people get covered for healthcare.

i know all about worrying over medical bills. my son has lead poisoning and has developmental delays. it can be a nightmare and it has been. i keep waiting for the day when he's lead-free; nothing is more important than that.

thank you for another beautiful post. so glad to hear that your sister is going to be ok.

i dream of the day when healthcare in the states isn't a decision of "can i afford it," but simply, "do i need it?" fuck the drug and insurance companies--people in the richest, most powerful country in the world shouldn't have to decide between rent and medicine. nobody should have to make that decision.

my best wishes to c-money for a speedy recovery. and to you for a stress relieving vodka followed by cran...

great post ABB ... I too spent a night in hospital last week ... nothing too serious, thankfully ... but enough to scare me senseless and also to render me completely grateful ... grateful that i have adequate, affordable private health insurance that allowed me to forget the bills and just concentrate on what the doctor was telling me ... grateful that i have a few friends who love me and worry for me ... grateful that i have healthy, financially secure parents who love me and care enough to be there ... i am indeed counting my blessings ... thank you for the reinforcement

You see things so clearly....there you are, mired in your own frightening experience, and yet you are able to notice all of these people around you and know what they are going through, and then come home and put it in to such eloquant words, and now WE all know what those people were going through as well, and we can see these issues more clearly, think about them, because of you and people like you, who have a gift. Thank you for sharing your gift with us.

From someone who practices medicine in emergency rooms, thank you for this post.

You have managed to tackle the sub text of what that experience can be, in all its pain and all its cruelty. At the same time you give voice to the more subtle elements of what many times is magical in a place that sees many heartaches, and conversly many small and large acts of random humanity.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts y'all. I'm totally fine, at work in my sorta-cube and wandering the halls eating Krispy Kremes and little valentine's cakes that are about, and saving what-not to the server. The hives are no longer florid, though they do itch. I've got a lovely cocktail of antihistimines and anti-itchy drugs. And of course a great kid sis. Thanks for the love.

C-Money

p.s. Blood Ray, I think you're groovy too. When are we rehearsing a bitch's play? Curtain time is fast approaching.

Truly well said, ABB! As one of those who has suffered the ills of our health care system--owing close to $100,000 in past due medical bills and often choosing between the power bill and my medication, I appreciated the depth of your concern AND the eloquence of your words.

Thank you and Benadryl hugs for C-Money. Glad she's going to be okay...