Thursday, May 1, 2014

If I Lived Like My Three-Year-Old

Instead of making polite conversation with people I didn't feel like talking to, I would simply point at them before shouting "I AM SHY OF YOU!" Then I would cover my face with both of my hands until they went away.

I would consider a handful of goldfish crackers and an ice cream cone a sensible dinner.

When big decisions were needed I would ask myself, "How would Spiderman handle this?"

I would not be scared of spiders or snakes but would be terrified by the appearance of a small spear of broccoli on my dinner plate.

I'd be capable of having a conversation with my sibling for 23 minutes consisting solely of the words "DID NOT" and "DID TOO."

If I found a Sharpie, the thought would occur to me, "I should probably draw all over my face with this."

A terrible day could change into the BEST. DAY. EVER! just like that if I saw a firetruck.

I wouldn't need a gym membership because I would run at every opportunity, preferably while shouting loudly, "Look at me everyone! I'm running!!!"

I would never struggle to make friends because whenever I saw someone who seemed interesting, I would only have to run up to them, grab them by the hand, and announce, "WE'RE FRIENDS NOW!"

I would rarely have a life crisis that could not be solved through judicious use of tickling.

When I was upset I would not smile and pretend that I was OK. Instead I would hurl myself to the floor and shriek and roll around until all around me registered my displeasure.

Instead of struggling with self-confidence I would consider myself to be the GREATEST at every activity I attempted -- the FASTEST runner, the FUNNIEST face maker, and the BEST IN THE WORLD at rolling around on the grass in a strange way.

I would not worry that my stomach wasn't flat enough. I would celebrate my midsection's roundness by rubbing it regularly and showing it off to friends and neighbors whether they had requested to see it or not.

My "special place" would be the toy aisle at Target.

I would take falling down a staircase directly onto my face in stride, but I would consider not getting to watch "Elliot Kid" for the 9th time in a day a major tragedy.

An immense amount of my personal energy would be devoted to the single thought, "GET. SOME. CANDY."

If someone had something I wanted I would declare "I WANT TO SHARE!" and then grab their thing before running away as quickly as possible.

Every night at bedtime I would sit up in bed and announce, "My favorite part of today was EVERY PART OF TODAY!" Then I would jump on my bed like a wild monkey before falling into 10 hours of deep and restful sleep.