Stop The Rain: CFL Team Not Signing Pacman

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O THEY GON RENEGE. After multiple sources reported that the Winnipeg Blue Bombers were on the verge of signing former Cowboys defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones, the Associated Press reports that the team has announced it will not sign Jones after all.

"It is unfortunate that this situation became public; however, our position has remained consistent," Blue Bombers coach Mike Kelly said in a statement. "We will pursue athletes that we believe will contribute to our organization on and off the field.

I like that Kelly lamented how their plans to sign Jones became public. Fun fact: if the team HAD signed Jones, they were planning on keeping his presence on the team secret by legally changing his name to Pitfall Harry.

"We have completed our assessment and due diligence and at this time we will not be pursuing the services of Adam Jones."

In other words, someone complained. I, for one, am sad that Pacman won’t be venturing up north to play in the CFL. Canada has a rich and detailed history of harboring our finest fugitives, deadbeat dads, and pothead running backs. In return, we get all of their smoked salmon and comedians. It’s a fair swap. But now, that tidy little arrangement looks to be on ice. YOU WELCHED ON THE DEAL, CANADA. Now, you have to take Mike Myers back. It’s only fair. He doesn’t belong in the comedic big leagues anymore. Not after “Cat In The Hat”.

This setback leaves Jones with just one option for returning to football: the UFL, presumably with the Las Vegas Locomotives. It’s a natural fit. That team needs defensive help, and Pacman needs very large crowds outside of nightclubs to randomly fire into.