Puberty dealt me another cruel blow: acne on my chest and back that left me with white polka-dot scars across my shoulders and in my cleavage.

I was 15 and my body looked like a battlefield.

I was 15 and I weighed over 200lbs.

And yet, at 15, I was horny.

Fast forward two and a half decades and I can reflect on a series of lovers. Each one found me beautiful and desired me. Each one respected me and treated me well. How did that happen?

This isn’t a story of miraculous transformation. I wasn’t the ugly duckling who became the swan. I didn’t have an epiphany that suddenly made me see my own, internal beauty (‘cos it’s what’s on the inside that counts, right?). My body will always wear her scars. I currently weigh over 200lbs.

This is the story of a horny 15 year old who knew that sexuality was important to her. The 15 year old refused to accept a lifetime of celibacy (or being non-discerning about who qualified to be a lover because anyone would be better than no one).

The 15 year old who thought she’d never get laid lost her virginity at age 18. By age 18 I’d become aware that it wasn’t the sexthat was important; it was expressing my sexual self that was key. It wasn’t just about feeling horny; it was about knowing that this sexual part of me was an important part of me, and a part that should not be ignored or stifled but rather explored and celebrated. By the time I was 18 I couldn’t bear to hide and deny my true self any more. I took a deep breath, looked past what was in the mirror, and stepped out onto the path that led me straight to my needs and desires.

I now realise that my acute awareness of the importance of my sexual expression was (and continues to be) a gift. When I unwrapped the gift and peered inside, I saw body acceptance.

Sometimes I forgot I’d been given this gift. I put my body through punishing diets and exercise regimes in an effort to change what I saw in the mirror. I berated it and called it names when it was too slow, too fat, too differentfrom how a woman’s body was supposed to look.

But each time I undressed for my lover, each time I caressed my own skin, each time I made love, I remembered the gift. I remembered that I only have one body and that I can be thankful for that body and all it enables me to do. I remembered that there is nothing wrong with me: I am perfectly and uniquely “me”. And when that is good enough for me, it is good enough (more than enough) for my lovers too.

I’ve never lost my fascination and passion for sexuality. The 15 year old has matured and developed into a woman on a mission to support other women to enjoy their own bodies and their own sexuality. I want women to celebrate their sexual selves and I promote this through my blog The Ladygarden Project. I also want women to enjoy sex and their bodies now – not deferring it until sometime in the future when they feel slim/beautiful/sexy/worthy enough, or to relegate it to something that only exists in their past. I encourage women to be Sexy at Any Size through my website and workshops – supporting women to feel sexy and sexual whatever the size and shape of their body (this goes for age and stage of life too).

The gift of body acceptance is not time-limited. It’s not dependent on being a certain size or shape, or of looking a certain way. And it is a gift that multiplies. The more we use it, the more we share it, the more it grows.

One lover beautifully described the lines on my belly as being like the ripples on a pond when a pebble has been dropped in. Body acceptance has a ripple-effect. The more we accept our own bodies, and enjoy them just as they are, the more those around us accept their own bodies too.

Anna Sansom lives in the UK with her partner and two cats. She recently moved to the countryside and to be nearer the sea as she loves paddling and swimming whenever the water is not too cold. She works part time as a health researcher at a university and uses the rest of her time to learn about, explore, and celebrate women’s sexuality. She blogs, runs workshops, writes erotica, makes vulva cushions, and generally encourages herself and those around her to be more playful and enjoy life. She strongly believes in making the most of every day.

13 Responses to “sex on the battlefield”

For most of my sexual life, I’ve been in an odd paradox: intensely uncomfortable with my body shape and size, but utterly sexually voracious. When I made love to someone, I knew he desired me, and that ratcheted up my confidence. I’ve always been happier with my body when I’m in a loving relationship. I was never one to hide my thighs or stomach from my lovers, because I knew they desired all of me.

My particular challenge has been learning to love my body when I’m alone, without the benefit of a lover’s rose-colored glasses. I don’t want to admit that I need external affirmation of my beauty, but I think we all do: we can’t trust our own eyes to be objective. We need another party. I’ve been single for the past few months, and I’m learning to trust my eyes. To see my own beauty even without a partner’s lustful reminder.

I love this post. At a lady who’s also over 200 pounds, I am almost at a point where I celebrate this self. I still sometimes look at it with disappointment, but I’m getting there. Thanks Anna, for a lovely and well put statement of getting in touch with your sexual self.

Thanks Kate for inviting me onto your amazing blog. And thanks for the comments Morgaine, Melanie and Phil. I’ve always loved Betty Dodson’s idea of having a “love affair” with ourselves: a love affair that can last a lifetime. Partners may come and go, but I can have a relationship with my body for my entire life. I choose to make that a happy relationship! x

“I also want women to enjoy sex and their bodies now – not deferring it until sometime in the future when they feel slim/beautiful/sexy/worthy enough”

This. Yes. So much. So often we’re so focused on changing our bodies, and how we’ll feel after the change, and how much more we’ll love our “new” future body that we forget that loving the NOW and celebrating that is just as important.

Bless you, Anna. Thank you for this perspective. I am nearly 39 years old, and I still haven’t stopped raging against myself. I am beginning to realize all the moments and pleasure I have denied myself. My husband thinks I’m crazy. He always wants to be adventurous and try something new when it comes to intimacy. My foolish answer to him is always “we’ll try it when I’m sexy.” All he can do is shake his head. I have to stop, appreciate what my body can do and how beautiful it is (we are ALL beautiful), and enjoy. Thank you again.

I absolutely love this. Anna, your writing is beautiful. Your word crafting is intelligent without being too wordy. Your ability to paint a picture of your body, your emotions, your growth (no pun intended!), and your comfort took me on a verbal journey with you, causing stirrings in my heart that reminded me of my own sometimes painful journey with sexuality and my body. I have been struggling with my weight for some time, and recently realized that I wish to take better care of my self because I love myself, not because I hate myself. Before I read this, I hadn’t connected the confidence I sometimes have with the beauty that my body contains in its most intimate moments; now I’m more acutely aware of that, and inspired to embrace it. Thank you!

Anna – I love your words! And your philosophy! Your journey has inspired me greatly. I believe I’m falling more and more in love/lust with you every time I read a post. (in a respectful and non-stalking manner, of course!) You’re my hero. Promise me you will always write and inspire us. xo

[...] Then while I was tooling *snicker* around the blogosphere, I found Anna’s post at Eat the Damn Cake. Oh my lovelies, her acceptance of herself and her sexuality gives me goosebumps. Do yourself and your body a favor and read SEX ON THE BATTLE FIELD. [...]

[...] by the fantastically amazing, Anna Sansom of The Ladygarden Project and has been reblogged from Eat the Damn Cake with her permission. This is Anna’s contribution to our Heart Project to promote positive [...]