Guidelines for convenience store customers.

Uploaded 12/02/2008

Okay. Now. I work at Circle "J", as I'll call it... I deal with a lot of people. Hundreds of people a day. In fact, since this location is within a two hundred foot proximity of two major highways, I deal with hundreds of DIFFERENT people a day. This is a guide to the many different idiots I deal within an 8 hour work period.

1. Gas. Please look to see which pump number you are at. I cannot reiterate this enough. I have 16 pumps; with 6 white cars, 2 grey SUVs, and 3 fucking hummers out there. I do not know, when I look out the window, which white car is yours. Especially the one "behind the hummer".

2. Directions. Directions, directions, DIRECTIONS. I just moved up here. Okay. Thus, if I cannot tell you how to get to Super Sleaze Motel off of Faggot Street, that means I do not know how to get there, and no, I will not call anyone to find out for you. Buy a fucking map. It will be the best four bucks you've ever spent.

3. Alcohol. When I ask for your ID, that does not mean your eye color. I ask for it for a reason. I do not care to sell to the occasional undercover asshole whom is attempting to pop me. I do not care to get arrested for a party I was not invited too. And if you look young enough for me to card, you should be happy you still have your good fucking looks before you get old and shriveled up and I don't card you any more.

4. Sales. Just because the "Buy two, get one free" sale is over, I will not give you the deal. And, no, I am not a bastard for not giving it to you anyways, just because you want something for free. I have no control of the sales, and if I did, and the sale was still in effect, I would deny it to you just because I don't like you.

5. Money. Please do not hand me twenty dollars in ones, in a very small, compressed ball. Yes, I will take them. However, please realize I need to unfold them, straighten them all out, face them, and put them in my drawer. THEN, will I only give your change back once I have gone through that process. And, no, I do not care if you are in a hurry. Next time, you can put them in your wallet like a proper person and hand them to me in a proper state.

6. Soda. If the soda you desire has ran out, I will gladly restock the box of sugar shit you want for you. However, if I have a line of twenty customers, I will help them first. Do not be angry because you can't fucking buy a God damn bottle of the same shit instead of waiting for 10 minutes.

7. Gas. Remember your damn pump number. I will keep beating this into your brain. If you tell me the wrong pump, and someone else pumps your gas... Well, since I've already gone through 30 customers since you realized your stupid mistake, I can't remember who the fuck you are and how much you put on it. I then have to go through a lengthy process that will make the other customers hate you and want to beat you, since I can't help them and I have to correct your mistake first.

8. ID. Again. I will card your young ass if you look under 30. No, it must not be expired. No. It must look like you even REMOTELY. No. If you tell me it is an old ID and you are older than your birthdate says, I still will not sell to you. I seriously had someone give me that line, and I couldn't stop laughing for an hour.

9. Trash. Please throw away your trash. I am not your fucking mother, and I even doubt she would clean up after your filthy ass anyways. If you accidentally pour the incorrect cup of coffee, simply dump it out in the soda drain and repour something else. Do no leave it there, full of steaming coffee, and grab another cup. Not only do I have to pour out your mistake, throw it way, walk all the way to back office, find the write off sheet to write off your fucking mistake... I also have to explain why cup waste was so high during tourist week and promise to not let waste go up or my fucking raise won't happen. I hate you.

10. Attitude. When I help you, I say hello. You don't answer. I tell you the total, accept your cash and make a verbal account of it, hand you your change, and bag your shit. I then say "I thank you very much, I hope you enjoy your day." Of course, you never say a word. You could at least say fucking "Hello" back, or even a damn "Thank You". Next time you can bag your own shit. Fucker.

11. Policy. I may not agree with a certain store policy, but I still have to follow it. Say you work at a police station and don't follow policy. You make it in the papers. I don't follow policy, I get fired, and don't make it into the papers. So, I will not break policy for your lame ass. That means cash for lottery, cash for money orders, and ID for the drunks. Thank you.

12. Lottery. Please... PLEASE! It is 21 to buy lottery tickets. So, of course I'm going to card your ass. Just have a simple ID. That's all I really ask for. And if you win $5,000... No, I can't give it to you out of my drawer. Thanks for trying!

Okay, I will have a part two posted soon. I have so much guidance to give....