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Friday, November 16, 2012

I am no expert at this and definitely made a lot of mistakes with my past relationships….but these points make a lot of sense and I wish I had such information and guidance during my teen years. It most definitely would have helped me avoid a lot of heartache, hurt and pain, giving me a better perspective of what to look for before choosing a partner. I am sharing this here in hopes that it will help others to make the right choice and to have a healthy and good relationship with their partners. I know the phrase "Love is all that matters" will come to your mind…but trust me….that is not enough to make a relationship work well. A lot of factors are involved and people do change with time.

Choosing a spouse no doubt is a very crucial decision in everyone’s life, it is not at all easy nor does it have a manual. However, there are some guidelines to steer us in the right direction. Marriage is not just a man and a woman; it is more about an entity called a family that needs constant physical and emotional nourishment to keep going in a healthy way.

People differ in their perception of what is right and what is wrong. Apart from religion, different communities have different traditions and values like dress code and relationships with the opposite sex within the family or with friends and outsiders. Try to find a spouse who is similar to you, with the same values and morals….not very far from where you stand….. for this will help you avoid much stress and complications.

Being different is not a problem, the question is how different you are ....to what degree...and whether the both of you have the motivation and the ability to come closer or not? Find a suitable candidate fulfilling classic requirements. Compatibility is a very important point to take into consideration, however, it should be accompanied with emotional and sexual attraction. Just being compatible without having the emotional or sexual attraction will eventually make your bond weak and the enthusiasm of a marriage fade away gradually.

Good Looking

Some people go to an extreme and say appearance is not important, however, appearance plays a key role for most people, even in forming a good or bad impression. You don’t have to marry an impressively good looking person. You should rather feel comfortable. You should feel that you can get along emotionally and sexually well with him/her.

Religion

Getting married to a true religious person is a blessing, but, you should first know that being pious is not about how he/she looks, it’s more about how he/she behaves and treats people. Being religious will make him/her a forgiving, generous, and understanding person, and more important, will make him/her understand the aim of marriage and how to preserve the family ties.

Harmony

This doesn’t mean being completely identical in likes and dislikes. What a couple needs is a satisfactory degree of common interests. Think of your future spouse as a potential roommate, will you go along with each other with minimal problems? It is very important to be able to live together without having different opinions about many details. Couples should agree about lifestyle issues, eating habits, entertainment, going out, etc. Nevertheless, every one of them should respect the other’s hobbies and interests, and help him/her practice and excel in whatever they like.

Conservativeness

People differ in their perception of what is right and what is wrong. Apart from religion, different communities have different traditions and values like dress code and relationships with the opposite sex within the family or with friends and outsiders. Try to find a spouse who is similar to you, with the same values and morals….not very far from where you stand….. for this will help you avoid much stress and complications.

Ambition

This might seem a bit weird, but the whole family should have a common dream, not necessarily to be an exact thing, but rather a place the family sees it should reach in a given time. For example, it will be very difficult for an ambitious wife who wants her kids to learn different languages and skills to put up with a husband whose understanding of human development is very limited to just going to school!

Similarly, it would be a great challenge for a husband who decides to travel to study or work in a better position if his wife cannot depart her comfort zone of being at her home in her homeland. One should always keep in mind that everyone has been living in another home for more than twenty years, raised in a certain way, and has ties he/she cannot abandon. Considering this fact is very important to be able to deal with the other without trying to change him/her to be you. The change can happen after discussions and patience but it will never be an absolute change. However, talking about important issues that will influence your relationship in the future is highly recommended.

Children

How many kids you’d like to have, which will be then subjected to change according to the wife’s health, family finance or other factors that might come up. You should also discuss how you will raise your children, what upraising strategies you think efficient, which type of schools you’d put the kids at, will you leave them to a nanny? What will you use as punishment,..etc. You should not under mind each other's authority once a punishment has been set for the kids if they have done wrong. You need to respect your partner's decision. Never argue or discuss matters in front of the kids ...because this will only give them an upper hand to make parents take sides and this will inevitably cause fights between husband and wife.

Who is responsible for what.

This is a very important question that should be taken seriously. Financial, households, and kids’ responsibilities are among the most important responsibilities that should be very clear from the beginning.

Finance

How will you finance households, will you both work? Do you have financial burdens and how you will work it out,.etc Also, try to talk about how you will spend money; are you going to save money? Or you prefer to have a rather luxurious life?

Commitment and Loyalty

Marriage is all about commitment and loyalty. If at all that has been broken even when there are no problems or issues in the marriage....then things will start to go downhill. God Willing it can work out....both parties must have the wish to want it to work....and they have to work at it constantly to not make the same mistake after being given a second chance. A family with faith in God and with the right perspective of what is right and wrong....can and will thrive.

Trust and believe in your partner. If that trust has been broken by either one…then the one who broke that trust will have to constantly work at it to prove their worthiness again…..and the one whose trust was broken….if you want your marriage to work out…. forgive. To forget would be near to impossible but constantly try to work at nurturing the bond.

Taking all the precautions and checking the list doesn’t mean you won’t have fights or misunderstandings throughout your marriage, simply because you are human…and no human is without mistakes or flaws. It is all about forgiveness and how well you make up after the arguments or do you go on for days with a cold war….both with a load of ego and pride not wanting to say sorry and make up? Don't let things fizzle out on their own….and above all..do NOT let third parties like family members or friends intervene to make things worse. Be the better person to make that move to mend things….at the end of the day….it is your mate…your life partner….and you both deserve the right to be happy and to make each other happy.

Do NOT ever take your partner for granted. Remember…marriage is a partnership…it takes two to make it happen. It will help you decrease the number and extent of those disagreements or problems to have a better life. Always remind and voice out your love to each other….do little things that touch your partner's heart. Keep your marriage ALIVE.

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It's been an interesting journey through life with learning, living and loving....I cherish every moment. My Moto in Life : Be Free, Be Educated. Be Aware, Be Alive. Be a Winner, Be a Friend. Be a Survivor, Be Persistent. Be Yourself...Just BE! ~ @Nur Diyanah Magness 2006-2015

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