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Grief Packs A Powerful, Painful Punch

But Can You Die From A Broken Heart?

February 07, 1995|By Amanda Vogt, Tribune Staff Writer.

'I could just die."

Have you ever said or thought those words after losing someone close to you? Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend dumped you, or your best friend found a new best friend. Whatever the reason, a loss can hurt so bad that you might actually feel a physical pain in your chest - like your heart was actually breaking.

But can a heart break? And can people die from it?

It happens in tragic romance novels, but doctors are more cautious about discussing death and broken hearts. For one thing, hearts don't really break, says Dr. John Stutesman, a psychologist at Northwestern Memorial hospital. "Although someone might feel they're dying from a broken heart, they're not really."

But Stutesman says more doctors believe - and evidence supports the idea - that the side effects of intense grief can include depression, illness and in some cases, even death. (This is especially true, he says, with older people left alone after a spouse dies.)

Younger people are more at risk from urges to put an end to their suffering, he says. They might have suicidal feelings they're not even aware of - but those feelings can lead to people "taking risks they wouldn't normally take," Stutesman says.

Recent studies suggest that grief affects the immune system, which protects the body from illness, says Dr. Joseph Flaherty, a psychologist at the University of Illinois hospital. Doctors found that people often were feverish and felt sick and achy for weeks or even months after losing someone they loved; they were also more likely to catch a cold or flu. Flaherty says the doctors also found that grief upsets people's daily routines so they can't sleep and eat normally.

So is it better to bottle up feelings of grief? No way, Stutesman says: Denying how you feel or that you feel anything is the worst thing you can do. Those feelings won't go away just because you ignore them.

"And don't keep it to yourself. Talk about them with someone you trust, like a counselor or friend," he says. "If you're alone and suffering, you're going to suffer a lot more. Grief thrives on isolation."

Saying goodbye is an important step to getting over a loss, Dr. Froma Walsh says. She is a University of Chicago professor and specialist in relationships. She suggests calling or writing a letter, even if you never send it, to the person who has hurt or left you. "Let them know what they meant to you," she says. (This is good therapy even if the person you love is no longer around.)

"Don't rush into a new relationship or try to immediately replace the person you have lost," Walsh says. It won't take away the pain and it could lead to more pain. Swearing you'll never love again won't work either. The best possible cure, like it or not, is "taking the time to get over your loss," she says.

Even if you become "sick" with grief, it's probably only a temporary thing. (If it goes on, please tell your parents or an older friend; they may suggest you see a doctor.) And in the long run, experiencing the feeling that your heart is breaking lets you move on to new relationships and friendships. You may be sadder, but hopefully you're a little wiser, too.

"Losing people we have special relationships with is part of life," Walsh says. "It shouldn't stop us from forming new ones."