Not because I now have a draft of my very first novel (which, as of 11pm last night, I do!!! Provided I’m willing to expand my definition of “draft” to include a piece of writing I won’t let anyone read). But because right now, I am right here.

And right here – in this particular moment, with this particular life – is exactly where I want to be.

Four months later, I am emerging from the most – the most! – creative and productive period of my life.

Of. My. Life.

This did not happen automatically. This did not happen simply because I said it would. This happened because somewhere between then and now, I discovered what it really means to embrace a detour. I also learned what happens when you manage to do it.

You find the sweet spot.

Here’s the thing: when I started this project, pre-baby, I saw motherhood – and Life with a Newborn in particular – as this thing I was up against. An obstacle. An impediment. Something I need to conquer. Something I needed to control.

I treated motherhood like a rash. A energy-sucking, productivity-zapping, creativity-dulling rash.

Which is pretty much what it felt like those first few weeks after Lil Mil was born. There were moments when I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall, trying to just make it work. I didn’t want to be wrong. I didn’t want to look foolish. I wanted to be able to say, I DID IT. And, of course, I wanted that draft of my novel.

But it was so freaking hard. So. Freaking. Hard. So much harder than I thought it’d be. Not motherhood, but the juggling act of baby, boy, book and blog. There just weren’t enough hours in the day. I felt like I was being pulled in a million different directions at once.

You are nodding your head right now. You know exactly what I mean.

Weeks passed. I struggled and struggled to find that perfect ratio of baby to boy to book to blog. I waited and waited for it to just click. For everything to fall into place. For it to stop being So. Freaking. Hard.

It never did.

And then, on Day #51, I took an old friend to dinner to celebrate her latest career milestone. As we were sipping cocktails and munching meatball sliders, I talked about this blog and how important it had become to me. How, through it, I had found my voice. Not as a writer (I’d like to think I already had that), but as a person. I felt cheesy saying this. More than a little cliched.

“It’s not the blog,” my friend said with a knowing smile. “It’s motherhood.”

It’s motherhood.

“You’re different now,” she told me. “Calmer. More serene. And you have this … self-assurance now. Ownership, maybe. Over yourself. Over who you are.” She smiled again, her eyes shining. “I’ve never seen you this happy.”

I am happy. Not in spite of my detour, but because of it.

In that moment, something changed. Everything changed.

I stepped into the sweet spot.

Life didn’t get easier. There weren’t more hours in the day or fewer things to get done. But after that night, the juggling and the balancing and the trying-to-figure-out-how-to-fit-it-all-in started to feel like part of the process instead of an impediment to it. I began to let myself enjoy the struggle, the tension between competing desires, the oh-so-many hats I’m required to wear. I let it be fun.

And it was. It is. So fun.

I am having the time of my life.

And so, today, I am giddy. Giddy with excitement. Giddy with joy. Giddy with the realization that what I have right now – a draft that’s rougher than I wanted it to be, a future that’s more uncertain than I’d like it to be, a savings account that’s smaller than I need it to be, a husband who’s more supportive than he has to be, and a daughter who is so much more than I ever imagined she’d be – is enough.

And that, I think, is the incredible, wonderful irony: the thing I feared would take me off track took me to the best place I’ve ever been.

Here.

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If you’re here from Momalom, please say hi! And check out the ETD Essentials on the sidebar for the backstory on my 100 day challenge.

30 Comments

Fantastic. I remember “giving up” on writing when I entered my doctoral training program, only to find that I wrote four screenplays at the same time that I was doing coursework and internships… it got me to thinking about what unlocks creativity, and then I ended up doing my dissertation of creative blocks and solutions.

Your story is another wrinkle in the wisdom I found—mostly that we have to create for the sake of creating, or something like that.

Congrats on all of it, the novel and particularly just being happy with where you are at.

“…part of the process instead of an impediment to it.” It took me much, much longer to come to this realization, but it’s freeing, isn’t it? And congrats on the completion of your first draft – that is reason to celebrate!

Nicole Larsen

Thursday, 13 May, 2010 at 11:26

So should I call Barnes & Noble to pre-order it now? CONGRATS!! I seriously got goosebumps. I’m glad you made it. And not just for your sake, but selfishly. For being such an inspiration! What a great accomplishment.

I am SO excited for you! I am not only excited, but inspired. I have been slowly plunking away at a book (by slow I mean s-l-o-w) and it is nice to see another mother finish. In 100 days no less. This makes me happy. Happy and giddy with anticipation.

Motherhood. It brings out the best (and sometimes the worst) in us. (Or some of us.)

Your joy oozes out of this page! Good for you – and congrats on the draft of your novel. Writing in many ways is like a child: you birth it, nurture it, despair over it, and send it out into the world.

Amy C

I love this post! Congrats on the draft (and I’m sure you’ve read Anne Lamott’s advice in Bird by Bird on “shitty first drafts”?–that’s a crucial step!).

But a bigger congrats on finding the sweet spot. I so, so know what you mean! I also felt that desire to do more when I became a mom, to let my daughter witness her mom/parents walking their talk. For us it was a new documentary project about an issue we find of great importance. This meant a rather epic three-month road trip with a ninth-month old, and, wow…that was exhilarating and tiring! (I managed one whole blog post on the trip: http://www.lifewithlilybird.com/home/2009/10/27/travels-with-lily.html)

The juggling, balancing, never having enough time to balance baby, book (film for me), boy, and blog is something I still struggle with. I have caught myself re-doing our ideal weekly schedule (which has never come close to actually happening) in an effort to pretend that I’m in control. The problem, of course, is that I get annoyed when the routine gets wildly off as it’s very apt to do!

I am going to print this post and challenge myself to just lean into acceptance that this is my life–and I love it. Thanks!

lauren, you make me want to be giddy with you! congrats…i am new here and over from momalom and am going to head over to your sidebar next and find out more about what all these days and numbers mean. i look forward to reading more. for now i will leave you with my favorite part: “I am happy. Not in spite of my detour, but because of it.” i can soverymuch relate to that.

Way to go, Lauren. For me, motherhood was an impetus, too, but alas – a more constructive than creative one. I mean that literally, as the birth of my son was what really got me started in earnest on the renovation and construction of our home – which is still not done. And he’s two. But it’s certainly a work in progress! I love that your detour has turned out to be such a great jump-start.

Good. For. You. That is awesome. Is it nerdy or condescending that I am feeling all proud of you? I hope not, i mean it more in the sense of “You’re my (blog) friend and you did it! Yay.” A book and a baby, 100 days old(ish)? That’s quite a big accomplishment in 4 short months. (i’m totally jealous.)

Yay!!! Congratulations – well done. I am inclined to agree with your friend, even though I don’t know you! What an amazing thing to be able to say that the first months of motherhood were the most fertile, creative months of your life. YES.

Congratulations, Lauren! I’m so happy for you! That’s how I felt when months of planning to quit my job and leave my life in Alabama behind finally became a reality and I found myself in my new life in Georgia.

I can’t wait to see what your next mountain to conquer is and to watch you conquer it.