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A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy shop to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: 19.95

Volleyball Barbie: 19.95

Shopping Barbie: 19.95

Surfer Barbie: 19.95

Disco Barbie: 19.95

and Divorced Barbie: 299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 299.95 when all the other Barbies are 19.95?"

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A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy shop to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the barman, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off, and falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head tside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, he feels much better, takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He looks up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says

"I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the barman, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off, and falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head tside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, he feels much better, takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He looks up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says

"I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her undies and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ...my wife came home with no undies!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her bum that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?

him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood

for thefirst time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever