Welcome to my spoofy bachelor blog of hilarious real dating profiles gone awry. A dating site like no other - where relationships are never discussed
and rooms are reserved for the grammatically insane.

Names and locations have been changed to protect the terminally single.

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January 15, 2007

Round TEN Winner? NO. We have a tie and a tie and a tie

Welcome to the Best of Bland Up Comedy! Another great competition with fourteen worthy opponents. Before I announce the winner, let me thank you for participating and invite you to come back again. Feel free to advertise on your own blogs and reel in other comedians for another round of insanity next week. It has been next to impossible to judge this competition, as you will soon see....
Here's how it works. If you tickle my funny bone, you get points.

1. I am devorced but not better. Life is to short to be better. I try to look at the brieght side of things.I have not dated for 19 years so this is a strang feeling but good.

Starrlight: Why do I think he is typing this one handed?Linda: I don't want to strang you along as life is too short to be wasting my time on someone who has a problem with the letter "e" so allow me to divorce myself from this conversation.

Bud: Just a guess. Your ex was your proof reader, right?Daniel: I'm sorry, but I'm looking for someone who's better.Sanni: While reading your lines I have the strange feeling I want to vanish in thin air. Strange feeling but goodWendz: You're so right! I should strive to be worse. Why did I never think of that before?Lyn: Life is too short to be a better speller?Jenifer: Wow, I am also getting a strange feeling, like maybe you have never attended an English class.Michael: Well, here's to another 19!!Karen: Internet dating may cripple you more than your 19 years out of the game. Perhaps video dating might better suit your expressive capabilities?Matt-Man: I agree. Lyfe IS to short to be better. That's why I gave up on trying too be better yeers ago.Bond: Take two aspirins and hopefully you will get better and not feel so strange.Epiphany: Divorced, not better, and haven't dated in 19 years! What a catch!Ian: On the plus sied I spel relly gud
Annelisa: What is better than devorce? Ah, you must be deceased... Are you a ghost? And is this why your dating is so spiritual?

Frank: You can't include riding your mare, Butter-cup, to the Saloon as your last date. I don't care if Will Roger's kissed his horse too2. Oh.,and the picture of the little boy is me when I was 5. Yes, that is an expert level lego for ages 16. That has been my primary source of pride throughout my life.Starrlight: Your mother must be so proud. Someone put on a copy of "I Believe I Can Fly"Linda: Perhaps you should "lego" of that accomplishment and shoot for something a little higher.Bud: And yet you wonder why you are still alone.Daniel: I think it's supposed to be ages 1-6.Sanni: You´re a brick! A one brick short of a full brick-maniac...Wendz: Hon? I hate to be the bearer of bad news but....you actually don't have a life.
Lyn: Isn't it a shame when you peak at 5.Jenifer: And my primary source of deciding you are a loser.Michael: I prefer I man who doesn't build up walls. It's bad for communication...Karen: Your candle burned out long before your legend had a chance to exist. (Go Norma Jean)Matt-Man: You mis-read the box. The box says for ages 1-6. It must be hell to have peaked at the age of five.Bond: OK, now…the primary source of your pride is having your picture taken with Legos that you did at five? Mine is knowing when to walk away from losers….goodbyeEpiphany: Wow. Nothing like admitting your life has been downhill since you were in kindergarten.
Ian: Damn, but I love me them little plastic bricks. Can I make a model of you?Annelisa: I'd leggo of that pride if I was you...seems to me the foundations you've been building on are a bit dodgy!

Frank: That's cute. When did you plan on building your expert lego set, Einstein? It's still unopened on your mantle right beside your Lite Brite, and Etch-a-Sketch.3. You must be within 25 miles of my city!! Why 25 miles? Because it's divisible by five. That's a reasonable distance to jump in my car and meet up and do stuff.

Starrlight: You should totally hook up with #8. I can see you two have a lot in common.Linda: Oh darn, look at that, I'm 26 miles away from your city and you're obviously not someone who can go the extra mile. You have no idea how disappointed I am - and stuff.
Bud: It’s such a shame that I live 26 miles from your city. Not divisible. Oh well. "doing stuff" sounded so creative and fun.
Daniel: I hope you're concerned about more than just the proximity of people and the factorisation of numbersSanni: I am with you – if your date of birth insists nothing but prime numbers!Wendz: Sorry Lamb Chops.... you failed to make the grade..... you know?..... "5 divided by 5 equals zero."Lyn: Geeze O' Man, I might have been the girl of you dreams, but I don't do higher math.Jenifer: Yeah, stuff like math!! woohoo.Michael: So, I guess your answer to 'have you ever been in a long distance relationship' is no?Karen: If I live X miles away from your city, where X = a prime number less than 25, will the indivisibility by five cause you stress? (That was deep.)Matt-Man: I am impressed with anyone who can jump into their car from 25 miles away. You sound cool!! (Matt-Man's on a hot streak!)Bond: Now is that because you can’t count higher then 5?Epiphany: I'm going to leave now. Why, you ask? Because it's divisible by 1.Ian: 25 miles!! No more, no less!! I’ll bring my odometer and GPS and check…Annelisa: Are you running relay with four others then? Which one will I be meeting?

Frank: Good to see you have your A.D.D. under control now that your doing your TIMES'ES BY and your GOES INTOS. Now for your lesson in TAKE AWAYS because I'm out of here!4. My best feature is my smill my highthim 6'3" tall and I shave my head.Starrlight: Smill is a new one on me. I thought the standard name was "The Love Torpedo" or "Big Willie"Linda: Something smills funny, do you use Nair on your head?Bud: When you shaved your head I think your brain leaked out.Daniel: Maybe you should shave your smill and heighthim too.Sanni: May I call you Mister Clean?Wendz: Interesting. So...which planet did you say you were from?Lyn: Tall, bald and a bright smill, how come nobody has snatched you up yet?Jenifer: Sorry, was the middle of that sentence German? (I believe it was, Jenifer. You sure are smart for a baby.)Michael: Hari Krishna, huh?Karen: I’ve never met anyone with a great smill! Are you free next never?Matt-Man:My best features are my smile,my spelling, and my ability to use commas.Bond: Will you really make me smill your highthim on the first date?Epiphany: A shorter woman definitely couldn't carry that off.Ian: You want me to smell your WHAT?? (Ewwww...)Annelisa: Darlin', if your "smill my highthim" is your best feature, at 6'3" it might be a bit over my head! (I can see why you might have to shave yours!) (Mims is so confused. Must be an English custom...)

Frank: And when you eat M&M's do you throw out all the W's?

5. Well? Are you just Going to Stand There?

Starrlight: Hell no, I am going to run. In the opposite direction.(Sometimes it's the delivery, foks.)

Linda: Actually, no, I am going to run screaming from the room as fast as my feet can carry me.Bud: Just until I finish laughing. Then I will run away.Daniel: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't notice me.Sanni: Well, I am just going to leave here.Wendz: Erm...no. I have gone actually...can't you see the dust cloud?Lyn: Nope, I'm gonna walk away.Jenifer: Yes, and stare at the horror that is you.Michael: Actually, I was thinking of just running in the other direction, but my Christian upbringing prevents me from being that blatantly rudeKaren: Thankfully, I’m sitting. Otherwise, I might fall over from shock at just how dumb your profile is. Either way, I’m not just Going to Stand Here so, as far as you’re concerned, I’d be a prime date!Matt-Man: No, I am going to run away from you as fast as possibleBond: Hello, I must be going… (ha!)Epiphany: No. No, I am going to Run Far, Far Away.Ian: I have to; I’m in line for a PS3. (Leave it to Ian to always be developing another story line.)Annelisa: Actually, no... I was going to simply walk away!

Frank: Sir, this is the Ladies department, and that IS a mannequin

6. I'm an easy going guy that aims to please and doesn't require much maintenance. The type that can take structural criticism without getting my feelings hurt.

Starrlight: Good cause your floors are sinking, your roof is pitched, and your pilings are not up to code. (ouch)
Linda: Perhaps you can build upon this then - I'm maintaining that you need to work on your aim.Bud: Time to bring in that wrecking ball.(Ha!)

Daniel: Does the structural criticism imply that you have problems with your structural integrity? If so, you may need more maintenance than you realise. (Austute judgment, Daniel)
Sanni: Wanna join my huge collection of indoor plants? But beware: I don´t have a green thumb! (That Sanni is such a sillyone)Wendz: So. This structural criticism you can take...... You're a fatty, aren't you, Porky! (Ha! Tell me what you really think, Wendz!)
Lyn: So if I said that load bearing wall was poorly designed..you'd be fine with that?Jenifer: Structural criticism? You mean like your hair is too long, your eyes are too far apart and your...... umm nevermind. Well, that stuff is structural right?Michael: Good, because I have to ask how long you've been sporting that super structure around your stomach. (Ohhh....that was cold.)
Karen: I’m glad to hear you aim to please! How often do you succeed? What if I find no fault with your frame but have something to say about your personality? Are you good at taking all kinds of criticism, or only structural?Matt-Man: I always get structural criticism, but being an architect, I have learned to live with it.Bond: Let’s see, good structure and low maintenance. You sound like a good property investment.Epiphany: Maintenance? Structural criticism? Are you a man or a building?Ian: Does he think this is something to BUILD on? Good FOUNDATIONS make good relationships, and this guy isn’t going to WALL off his feelings. I’m FLOORED. (Gotta give you credit for vocabulary strength here, Mr. Writer.)
Annelisa: I'm glad, with that aim, you're not an easy coming guy. I don't give guys maintenance (of any type), but if you're looking for structural criticism I'd tell you you might be a bit of a brick, but you need a better facade!

Frank: Foundation cracked and shifting, windows overdressed and draughty, eave-troughs leaky in need of painting, needs roofing--tiles shifting. With this much maintenance to be done, forget any plastic surgery, I'll call Flip This House.7. All these heads and games what a waist.

Starrlight: Dahlmer, Party of One.Linda: You're living proof that a mind IS a terrible thing to waste!Bud: If I run into someone who is looking for that I’ll send them your way.Daniel: How many heads do you have? I'm afraid that two is probably the limit for me.Sanni: No more drugs for that man.Wendz: I do love a good cryptic crossword....hmmm... let me see....7 Down, six letters..."All these heads and games what a waist."...yes yes yes...that must be Psycho. (Very clever, Wendz.)
Lyn: You need to stop playing games and do core strengthening, that will whittle down that waistJenifer: Umm, right. Well I only have 1 head, and my waist ain't much to look at, however I do have a large collection of XBox games...Michael: Thanks, I've been working on my abs lately
Karen: I’m glad you like my waist! Distracted much?

(Michael! Karen! Get over yourselves. He's just an ad.)Matt-Man: Sounds as though you are playing Twister with a mutated Parker Brother. (Or Scrabble without a Clue....HA! I crack myself up sometimes. Hey guys. Thanks for letting me play! Now...back to judging.)Bond: I just LOVE Twister – Right hand blue.
Epiphany: I can hardly stomach them.Ian: burp* excuse me. Did I mention I’m a competitive eater?Annelisa: I'm not going to argue with you there - I think your games are in a pretty good spot between the heads and waist... (English games again.....?? Annelisa,. Call me girlfriend.)

Frank: .King me, but don't even think of trying to jump me. (You're such a tough guy Frank.)

8. The simple thinks are the most important to me.Starrlight: 2+2 = what?Linda: I simply think you are an idiot!
Bud: Complex thinks are more appealing. It is brave of you to admit this.

Daniel: Me like simple thinks too.Sanni: You mean: “thoughts”?” =)Wendz: I think therefore I am. Simple enough? Or have I lost you?Lyn: The simple thinks, yup, you called that one.
Jenifer: And obviously the only type you are capable of executing.Michael: I can tellKaren: Obviously.Matt-Man: Obviously.

(Hey! Did you two call each other??!!)Bond: It is nice to meet a man who understands he’s a simple thinkerEpiphany: I'm going to leave you alone with your simple thoughts (Wham!)
Ian: And now, a look inside his head: “Type…type…type…type…type…”Annelisa: Lucky that, considering the simple thinks are all you got! (That just made me giggle. Don't know why. It just did.)

Frank: "Out damn spot," that's Shakespeare's Lady McBeth. Now, "See Jane Run!" that's me. Is that simple thinks enough for you? (You crack me up sometimes.)9. Single guy looking for someone who is comfortable sitting at home or going out. Someone not worried about whether people see them dirty. My likes are wide.

Starrlight: And once I lose your number my field will narrow.

Linda: My trailer is a double wide and I never clean it - sounds like I'm your girl!Bud: Your "likes are wide" as long as you don’t have to take a shower. Very appealingDaniel: I hate to say it, but aside from your wide likes, there's not much here to recommend you. Being single is a plus, but I think that's generally assumedSanni: Yeah, baby, yeah! I have affixed to me the dirt and dust of countless ages (Sanni dear....are you quoting Shakespeare again?)Wendz: And my likes are narrow, refined and brilliantly clean. Clearly, you hillbilly, they don't include you.Lyn: No answerJenifer: I ususally save my dirty for behind closed doors, and I take a size 12, is that wide enough?Michael: Wide and dirty? Do you want me to oink, too?Karen: I need to know…will it bother you if I’m clean?Matt-Man: And all this time, I thought that Boxcar Willie was dead!!Bond: I draw the line at the “let’s not bathe” pacts.Epiphany: Are you meeting a lot of people sitting comfortably at home in your own filth?Ian: and so is my TRAILER! It’s a DOUBLE!!Annelisa: I'm so sorry about your likes - I hear there are procedures to have them narrowed these days... although this might mean you won't want to play dirty anymore!) (Annelisa....we really must talk.)

Frank: Wide screen TV, wide couch, wide coffe table, all on your wide deck in the wide outdoors. You go freshen up in the shower, while I go and get a little more comfortable in that cab I haven't let go of yet.10. Hi, I guess to make sure we are on the same page. I do not play head games, and want a relationship based on lies, or drama!!Starrlight: You can do the lies and the drama minus the head games? Wow, you are totally out of my league.Linda: Not to be overly dramatic but we aren't even in the same library - never mind on the same page!Bud: I am not even on the same book. Good luck finding that woman who loves lies. (Ha!)Daniel: Don't guess. You should clearly and honesty express your viewpoint if you want to make sure that you're on the same page as someone.Sanni: I am a perfect housewife, looking like a top-model, my banking account is bursting at the seams… and the best: I can´t wait to meet you.(Sanni...you little devil you.)Wendz: And that would be Page 125....Macbeth Act II Scene 3?Lyn: You want lies or drama but no games, what page is that on?(he he)Jenifer: Are you in the same page? As yourself?Michael: Hello, my name is Susan Lucci.Karen: Forget the same page, I think I’m in another book altogether - I prefer to watch relationships based on lies and drama on TV.Matt-Man: You want lies OR drama!? Hell, I can give you both!!
Bond: Perfect…I will lie to you all the time and produce a play full of drama.Epiphany: Sorry, I don't think we're even in the same book.Ian: (signed), Orenthal J. SimpsonAnnelisa: Shame, I was particularly looking for someone who plays head games, but I've still got a chance - my last relationship was with Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice. Oh, by the way, you must be on the wrong page - mine says 'goodbye'.

Frank: Damn, another Harold Robbins wanna be.

OH DEAR.

Mimi is in deep distress.

We have a three-way tie for all three places.

Newbie Starrlight and Veteran player Frank are tied for 1st place with 11 points each.

Shakespeare or Pig Pen, that is the question! Pig Pen is the little dirty Peanut´s charakter who is best-known for the cloud of dirt and dust that follows him wherever he goes. "I have affixed to me the dirt and dust of countless ages" was the first sentence Pig Pen had spoken =)