Tiger Woods paramour Joslyn James just posted all his texts on her website — but what do his messages about choking, golden showers, and club sandwiches really mean? For that, we turn to our textual analysts.

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
I will leave an envelope at the front desk under ms daniels [2]. Your room will be 305. Get settled and let me know when you are ready to see me. I will be i

Tiger:Sent: 06:01 PM 07/30/2009:
n room 201. You can come down the stair well next to your room. Make sure absolutely no one sees you

1. This likely refers not to a golf course, as one might expect, but to a community college course on Relationship Ethics that Woods was the taking at the time. He received a grade of F+.2. Woods's fetish for sliding envelopes underneath one Lucretia Daniels of Urbana, Illinois is well-documented. His texts to her, unfortunately, have not been made public.

[...]

Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
I hope not. So you have been with others huh since [3]

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea [6]. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question

Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust [7]

Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no [8]

3. Woods's concern for his lover's fidelity here is touching.4. This comment grimly foreshadowed the fact that a mere few months later, most of America would be "thinking about him," and that most of these thought could be described as "bad things."5. This phrase actually appeared on Tiger Woods's limited edition line of Sweethearts Candy Hearts, along with "Divorce settlement" and "Sex rehab."6. Here Woods is likely responding to James's query, "what is the capital of Uruguay?" His grasp of South American geography is notoriously poor.7. Woods liked to surround itself with only the most trustworthy people, as evinced by the very existence of James's website.8. No.

9. Interestingly, on theseveralwebsites that printed portions of Woods's texts, this one proved one of the most popular. One site, however, printed it as "You are my f——— w——, leaving open the possibility that Woods merely called James his "foolish woman."10. According to grammatical psychologist Nan Athorn, Woods's repeated capitalization of the word "Fuck" is evidence of a disturbed psyche.11. Records show James replied, "Maybe in two weeks in chicago."

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life [19]. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

12. The publication of these very texts disproves this statement.13. The last sentence of this message might have been better directed to Elin Nordegren.14. Woods's love for the NBC drama Mercy is well-documented, as is his insistence that no sex take place during it.15. Woods was likely referring to the life span of the Common Swamp Gnat, which is about two and a half months.16. Over time, this has become less true.17. This text was sent as a prank by Woods's fish, Birdie.18. We can.19. Wikipedia (a major source for all professional textual analysts) defines "projection" as "the unconscious act of denial of a person's own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, the government, a tool, or to other people." If Woods's final text to James is not used to illustrate the term in psychology classes by the end of this year, we will eat our textual-analytical hats.