2004: In a Word; I DO

By GINIA BELLAFANTE

Published: December 26, 2004

Those two words served as the dramatic ground on which politics and popular culture turbulently converged over the past 12 months. Rarely in recent memory has marriage been the subject of so much debate, joy, revulsion and voyeuristic thrall. The prospect of gay marriage dominated our electoral politics. And bad marriages seemed to consume the interest of television writers, film directors and Court TV executives. But did we learn what it means to say, ''I do''?

In some sense, the past year saw marriage being championed most feverishly by two groups at odds -- gay rights activists trying to avail themselves of traditional, legalized unions and conservative Christians agitating to preserve the institution for heterosexuals only.

Most everywhere else, the concept of marriage found comparatively diluted support. The proportion of young never-married adults has risen greatly over the past three decades. The Census Bureau reported last month that among women age 30 to 34, the percentage of those never married has tripled from 1970, to 23 percent.

Those looking to popular culture for endorsements of married life would have found little to recommend. Films like ''Closer'' and reality shows like ''Trading Spouses'' continued to present the spousal relationship as more akin to a pet owner and his untrained Rottweiler. No drama has had near the impact of the ABC series ''Desperate Housewives,'' in which men and women rarely ever seem to occupy the same space unless that space is a prison visiting chamber, a hospital or the boudoir of a middle-aged suburban prostitute with a subsidiary business in sadomasochism.

And for many months, TV news and People magazine delivered the story of Scott Peterson, the fertilizer salesman for whom the murder of his wife seemed preferable to the slow dissolution of marriage.

''There's been an enormous disconnect between how marriage is presented and how it exists,'' said Stephanie Coontz, a historian and author of a forthcoming book, ''From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage.'' The disconnect has precedent. ''There was a huge reverence of marriage in angel-white terms during the Victorian era,'' Ms. Coontz said. ''And it all took place against a backdrop of growing prostitution, an epidemic of venereal disease and a loss of domesticity for women going to work in factories.''

In short, if Hollywood starts to depict marriage as bliss, you'll know that the institution is in trouble.