A jiggling menace is stalking the delicate sensibilities of attendees at the Conservative Political Action Conference: women who dress like two-bit whores are skanking up the joint. And if they're not dressed like slutburgers with extra sleaze, they're buttoned up, nunnish frumps. According to one conservative and appalled blogger, right wing ladies better do something— or risk dooming themselves to lives of STD's and loneliness.

In an Olympic-level bit of finger wagging prudery befitting the most judgmental, out of touch sitcom granny, Dr. Melissa Clouthier bemoans the "Jersey Shore-ification" of the sartorial choices of America's conservative daughters as showcased at the CPAC. I've seen plenty of footage from CPAC and it appears that most people are dressed like they're going to a victory party over the forces of fun, but apparently the whores are there if you know where to look. And if they're not in what Dr. Clouthier calls "tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?)," they're dressing like frumps. Why is this? Because feminism.

Second, have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man? Neither path is a way to self-love and respect, mind you. Both tracks will inhibit future success.

Usually when people discover the virgin-whore dichotomy, they're 18 and in their third day in a beginning women's studies class or listening to a pandering Christina Aguilera song, but Dr. Clouthier (a chiropractor) is just now discovering it and linking it to feminism, a movement focuses on trying to eliminate it. Someone's got their thinking cap fastened so tightly that it's cutting off circulation to key headparts.

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Before gently warning CPAC ladies that they'll never find husbands with their bandeaus and their rampant harlotry, Clouthier, who has the magical power that allows her to tell from how a woman is dressed whether or not she is sexually active, says CPAC attendees are dressing like "two bit whores" who are "slutting it up" while "dressing and acting the ho."

In order to help assure the girls' futures, she issues the following guidelines for "success" (which I'm learning actually means "smiling hetero marriage like the kind in the realty company ad"):

1. No cleavage. That's right. Cover that up. I say "no" in absolutist terms because women will show a tiny bit and that's okay, but really, in a business environment where ideas are the priority, a dude thinking about your ta-tas is counter-productive.
2. Skirts no more than three finger-widths above the knee. Why do I even have to write this? Well, because someone is allowing these girls out of the house with mini-skirts that reveal too much.
3. Save the stilettos for Saturday night on a date with your boyfriend.
4. Bend at the knee. No, I don't want to see your butt.

Why should they do these things? Why, so a man will marry and impregnate them, of course! And the key to attracting a man is to act like you don't need a man, even though you desperately want one. Pretend your modestly covered ass off!

Likewise, a woman who sees herself as more than a sex-object and realizes she doesn't need to be a man in order to be worthy, who carries herself with confidence and modesty, will attract men who want to get married and make babies.

Clouthier says that dressing modestly and being chaste in order to snag a husband are signs of true empowerment. But remaining chaste because women think that's what men want is not empowered; it's just another way for women to act in ways that align with men's expectations. It's no better than Girls Gone Wild-style performative lesbianism for crowds of drunk, cheering bros. It's just more self-righteous.

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Added to the end of the epic, unintentionally hilarious rant are two updates that the author found germane to her thoughts— one that includes someone who must be The Official Spokesperson for All Men saying, "Most men prefer pretty over hot. Even back in 6th grade I hated the "hot" Olivia Newton John and felt sorry for her that she had to debase herself in such a way. Still do." Case closed.

Another update accuses Wonkette of promoting "STDs, drunken debauchery, casual sex, and by extension, the inevitable unwanted pregnancies and abortions that result" because they disagreed with her intellectually incoherent screed.

But, take all of this with a grain of salt— it's by and for people who attend CPAC, a group so out of touch with mainstream America that they believe fertilized eggs are people with rights, that global warming and evolution are not real, and that Ann Coulter (the conservative icon who herself has not managed to "succeed" at getting a man to marry and put babies in her) is super funny. Plus, it's hard to argue about sluts, feminists, streetwalkers, or stilettos when it's clear that the writer has no idea what any of those things are.