Link Love (2013-11-02)

Thought-provoking

“And of course, I can’t. I want to control something that scares me, but I can’t. I’m not in control of the universe (haven’t been offered the job yet), and I’m not in control of anyone else. I want to help, but can’t.” The Way to Be – Zen Habits

“A lot of why I wasn’t able to stick to my boundaries was because I didn’t take what I was saying seriously. I had let myself down time and time again, by going back on my word, that I didn’t believe anything would be different the next time around. I didn’t believe in what I was saying because I didn’t believe in who I was. The times when I went back to an ex-boyfriend, or agreed to take on more work than I could handle was at a time when I didn’t like myself. And in a way, breaking a boundary made it easier to continue seeing myself as not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, you name it enough. Breaking a boundary made it somewhat OK to be down on myself.” How I Learned to Set Better Boundaries – Role / Reboot

“Then you look around your messy house. And you feel worse. You feel more depressed, because now you’re exhausted and hopeless and can’t pull yourself out of bed, and on top of that, your house is a shithole. Which makes you feel useless on top of everything you were already feeling, and then probably overwhelmed on top of that, and quite frankly, having that many feelings at once during a depressive episode is like being crushed by a ton of bricks. So your depression gets worse, and your mess gets worse, and the two keep feeding on each other and it seems like there’s no end in sight.” The Depression/Messy House Cycle – Unfuck Your Habitat

““Something we now know, from doing dozens of studies, is that emotions can either enhance or hinder your ability to learn,” Marc Brackett, a senior research scientist in psychology at Yale University, told a crowd of educators at a conference last June. “They affect our attention and our memory. If you’re very anxious about something, or agitated, how well can you focus on what’s being taught?”” Can Emotional Intelligence Be Taught? – NY Times

Religion

“But more importantly, it is crucial to note that you are indeed still being specifically harder on gays than on straights since you are only telling straight people to constrain their sexuality to the marriage bed. While that may be unjustifiably onerous for most single straight people and for most polyamorous people, it is still far less overwhelmingly demanding than what you are offering gays; i.e., the choice between celibacy on the one hand or sex in a marriage to people of the sex or gender that they are not romantically and sexually oriented towards. You are effectively asking them to either never fulfill their sexuality at all or to fulfill it in precisely the ways they are notinclined to. To blithely compare that to injunctions to have sex only monogamously and to call that “loving” is incredibly thoughtless, shallow, callous, and, most of all, evasive. And, for what it’s worth, your tone here could not be more condescendingly glib and self-satisfied.” How I Wish the Homosexuality Debate Would Go – Camels With Hammers

“I think it is very easy to look at these situations and assume that these things are isolated events that occurred because the orphanage directors were corrupt. I don’t really know the details in each case, but here is what I do know: most orphanages, at some point, are started by a well-meaning religious organization. The thing about starting an orphanage, though, is that it is a LIFETIME COMMITMENT. When you take in a child, you need to have a game-plan for that child’s entire life. Starting an orphanage essentially means that you are adopting all of the children in that orphanage’s care, until they are adults. And those kids do not stop being dependents just because your church cuts their budget, or finds a new pet project, or changes staff. Starting an orphanage is a major, major endeavor, and to be honest I’m getting a little tired of how quickly and flippantly churches are getting involved in orphanage work, without a clue as to how they will care for these kids in the long-term.” How the Christian orphan care movement may be enabling child abandonment – Rage Against the Minivan

“What I am saying is that it’s perfectly understandable for a child to become upset that she cannot buy things she wants at the grocery store, especially when she sees her parents picking things out to purchase. To the child, it looks like mommy and daddy can buy whatever they want but she is for some reason not allowed the same basic right. It looks profoundly unfair. When the child picks something out and asserts her right to buy it, she is not attempting to “conquer” her parents. Instead, she is attempting to model her parents and operate within the same social norms she sees them following. This is natural and should not be seen as a bad thing.” TTUAC: The Grocery Store Terrorist – Love, Joy, Feminism

“…Because I didn’t obey and stop crying immediately, I got a spanking. I needed to learn to control myself better. To stop crying when Mom said so, to only apologize fearfully when she was already irritated, lest I irritate her. I must learn to be obedient, to be holy, to be self-controlled. Until I did, Mom would never be happy with me. Jesus would never be happy with me.” Eggshells: Ava’s Story – Homeschoolers Anonymous

Equality

“The world will eat a soft man alive. For breakfast. Fucking pathetic weakling. That’s what they’ll say, but I don’t care. I will not harden you. I will not break you. I hold between my mama hands your giant gaping sensitive heart. I refuse to abuse it. The softness in you. It will remain, intact. As much as it can, anyway.N ot because I made you that way, or even envisioned you that way, but because you came that way. Really it’s none of my fucking business. My job is to not destroy what you are.” Dear Son, I Hope You Stay Soft – Role / Reboot

“And really, this is what anyone called out for enabling oppression of any kind needs to understand. Being called out is not a comment on who you are. It’s not a comment on your intentions. It’s a comment on what you said, and what you did. We’re all capable of doing and saying things that support and even promote oppression without intending to do so, and without being evil. It’s unjust and enabling of oppression to demand that people evaluate us based on what we intend and not on the actual, tangible effects of what we do.” Good people do terrible things – Are Women Human?A Compilation of Taylor Swift’s Creepiest Song Lyrics – Betches Love This

“I have this fantasy where I go back and time and find the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and beat him over the head with his own book, screaming “THEY’RE BOTH FROM EARTH, YOU ASSHOLE. THEY ARE FROM THE SAME PLANET. THAT ISN’T EVEN GOOD SCIENCE”.” Interpretation – Robot Hugs

“Is this wave of sexual campaigns a great or terrible trend? Either way, the picture of the topless woman in support of “No Bra Day” is decidedly problematic for two reasons. One: There is no organization or campaign attached to the ad—it’s simply another piece of sourceless trash (note the omission of “awareness” in the ad’s title) circulating around the wild and wonderful Web. And two: What does not wearing a bra on an arbitrary day do to fund breast cancer research? Nothing. Awareness is not the same thing as action.” The Problem With ‘Save the Ta-Ta’s,’ ‘Save 2nd Base,’ And Other Ways Breast Cancer Is Being Sexualized – Role / Reboot

“Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: more often than not, bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.
How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children. Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their “goodness.” When we do well in school, we are told that we are “so smart,” “so clever, ” or ” such a good student.” This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness, and goodness are qualities you either have or you don’t.
Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., “If you would just pay attention you could learn this,” “If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.”) The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren’t “good” and “smart”, and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.
We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. And because bright girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves–women who will prematurely conclude that they don’t have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.” The Trouble With Bright Girls – Psychology Today

“Now to “Reverse Racism.” It’s crucial to maintain the distinction between the above three terms, because otherwise white people tend to redefine “Discrimination” as “Racism”. Their main argument is that because both blacks and white can discriminate against each other, that “Reverse Racism” is possible. But the truth of the matter is that black people: 1) have far less opportunity to discriminate against whites than whites have to discriminate against blacks, overall; and 2) black people lack a system of institutionalized support that protect them when they discriminate against whites.” Why there’s no such thing as “Reverse Racism” – Daily Kos

Beauty & Body Image

“But we cannot look just like her. She doesn’t even look just like her. This is not what a regular human being looks like, even with gobs of professionally applied makeup. No one’s face is entirely free of pores, creases, hairs, blemishes, freckles, discoloration, scars, warts, beauty marks, wrinkles, spots, acne, and all of the other decidedly human things that characterize human faces. Some cosmetics companies use celebrity spokeswomen in their ads and airbrush them beyond recognition, and others take extremely young models and retouch the very life out of them. Both are bad choices.” Photoshopping faces and skin cause self-image woes – Already Pretty

“Instead of encouraging us to recognize how AMAZING it is that our bodies helped to create and house and give birth to friggin BABIES, media makers and many industries want us to forget that little bundle of joy and focus on our appearances. Of course pregnancy has a significant effect on the way our bodies look, but isn’t that the least interesting aspect of the whole pregnancy/giving birth experience? This NEW focus on what bodies look like after pregnancy is a reflection of the way we have been trained to view ourselves and all women — just bodies. Just something to look at, pick apart, judge, and obsess over. But we are more than that, and if you don’t know that, please let us drill it into your brain. It’s what we do best!” You Had a Baby? This is How You Get Your Body Back! – Beauty Redefined

Inspirational

“What is also true is that who we really are is so much deeper than a self image. Who we really are is the ocean, not the waves. When we remember this oceanness – the ground floor of our being – our identity can come and go. This is particularly helpful when we’re not matching our positive self image. Rather than defending ourselves (which closes our hearts) or hustling to create a new, shinier, better image (which breaks our hearts), we can open to the natural feelings of vulnerability that arise.” How to find deep healing with your body image – First Ourselves