I guess it’s not ever really going away.

The other day while I was driving home from work at 9am, I saw a car that looked vaguely familiar. Okay, so I’m lying. I recognized it right away. There are bumper stickers, people. How could I not know who’s car it was. Thing is? It was The Ex‘s sister’s car. The girl lives in Azusa and she rarely comes home. This fact leads me to believe that there must be a birthday or holiday in their family. And both facts lead me to believe that she’s not the only child to be in town right now. Why wouldn’t he come home for something like that?

I’ve actually been feeling rather secure since I came across the fact that he moved to San Diego shortly after he graduated from UCLA. Before he moved, though, he was living here with his parents. I know this because that’s when we saw each other for the very last time in September of 2010. Since I’ve known that he’s been living 4 hours away, presumably with his girlfriend, I’ve felt relieved. This is my town again. I can let my guard down. I don’t have to worry about seeing that stupid blue truck (or whatever he’s driving now that the truck died) and losing my breath. I’ve reclaimed all those places that used to give me the best and worst (read: hardest) memories of me and him. I’ve moved on.

But that doesn’t mean that I never think of him. And if I saw him? I don’t know what I’d do. I hope someone would be with me so that they can remind me to breathe.

The thing is, though, that most of the time I’m just afraid of him trying to contact me. He was consistently texting or calling me every three months for an entire year after that August; the entire first year of my relationship with SC. After that, the only way I got him to stop (and yes, there were threats) was to block his number. I don’t know that he hasn’t tried to contact me since. And if he’s in town it would make communication much easier. I’m not happy about that. It makes me nervous.

And then I’m upset because he still makes me nervous. I guess it’s not ever really going to go away. I think I knew that already, I’ve been telling myself for years. But it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. We don’t have children, were never married, didn’t even own anything together. But we’ll always be connected. We can’t take back four years of our lives. He’ll always have those days of mine. And the pieces of my heart that I gave during those times.