Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Every 30 seconds someone in the U.S. disappears, an average of 850,000 persons per year. Of that number, approximately 105,000 remain as open cases, unresolved. There are also unknown numbers of unidentified deceased persons, with estimates as high as 50,000. With modern technologies, available resources and tools, more cases could be resolved. With law enforcement budgets slashed, available training and knowledge of these tools and resources remain out of the grasp of many agencies. Cases go unresolved, family members remain in pain needlessly, criminals go free, and the unidentified deceased are buried and even cremated, taking the answers with them, sometimes forever. The Department of Justice crafted model legislation which would give law enforcement, coroners, and medical examiners the necessary protocol and tools to correct this injustice. Efforts have been made to pass this legislation on a state by state basis, but this process has proven to be slow. Each day that passes without these procedures in place increases the number of missing persons who may never be recovered, and unidentified deceased persons who might never be named. The legislation provides law enforcement with a check list of information to acquire from the family of the missing person, databases and other resources to utilize, such as DNA analysis, and the new NamUs. Coroners and medical examiners are given procedures to report the unidentified deceased, and enter all available identifiers into national databases, such as fingerprints, dental records, and DNA analysis.

Take a look at Mystic (pronounced Mystique) Dawn Salazar. She may very well be in your neighborhood but all is not well with this poor little girl. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children list her as missing by way of "family abduction." Her biological father, Enrique Arreolo-Lopez and his wife Melissa snatched her from a stable family environment to a life on the run. It all went down in Mesa County, Colorado on August 17. That's the last day Jennifer Davis, the woman Mystic knows as "mom" saw the 6-year-old. Complicated and convoluted doesn't begin to explain the young girl's life. She was born May 23, 2002. Her mother Twalla is the ex-wife of Jennifer's husband Amie. According to Jennifer, Twalla made an arrangement with Enrique after getting out of prison to get pregnant with the hopes of getting Amie back into her life--a "no strings attached" bio dad. Twalla did get pregnant but her attempt at getting Amie back didn't work. At the same time, Jennifer was also pregnant. She arranged her pre-natal visits around Twalla's so she could drive her to and from the doctors. When Mystic was born, Twalla brought her directly to Jennifer. While Twalla didn't give up custody, she would frequently bring the baby over to be cared for by Jennifer and Amie, who assumed the dad role in her life. Two years later, Twalla's parole ended and, according to Jennifer, started to disappear for stretches of time. "She'd drop her off in the morning and say she'd be back after work to pick Mystic up and then we wouldn't see her for days or weeks. In April 2007, I got a call from Twalla saying she had been arrested and was in jail. Mystic had been living with us full time the past 4 months." At the time, Mystic was 4 and Twalla had already signed over power of attorney's to us giving us guardianship for 6 month periods of time. And then she'd disappear. But we never thought twice because to us, Mystic is family, she's our daughter." Twalla remained in jail for 6 months. "When she was released, we filed a petition for custody with the courts. Twalla had been arrested for aggrevated assault and we couldn't have Mystic living in that environment. At that point, we didn't know the bio dad's name. We knew nothing about him. Twalla said that her arrangement with him was to get her pregnant and that he'd never be a part of Mystic's life. She also said he had been deported to Mexico. When we filed the petition, we found out he hadn't been deported and was still working at the restaurant where he met Twalla. This man, of course, is Enrique Arreolo-Lopez and he was married and had a son. In fact, Twalla filed a child support petition against him and was collecting thousands while Mystic was in the care of Jennifer and Amie. Eventhough he was paying, Enrique never tried to see Mystic." In February 2008, Jennifer and Amie went before a judge for the first time to get custody. "The judge granted Twalla visitation which included 2 hours for lunch and 2 hours for dinner 'at her discretion'. Enrique was to have no contact with Mystic until he had parenting introduction therapy. After that, if he chose to see Mystic, it had to be during a supervised therapeutic session. A legal representative was appointed to the child by the judge." In April, Mystic met Enrique for the first time--an hour and a half session with a therapist. "For some reason, the therapist found it necessary to include Twalla in the session, but I was not allowed to be in the building," Jennifer said. There were three other sessions and then the counselor agreed to allow unsupervised visits. "On the very first unsupervised visit with Enrique, they brought Mystic home wrapped in a fleece coat wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. They said she peed her pants during the visit. As they (Enrique and his wife, Melissa) were taking her out of the car in front of our house, with neighbors standing around, Melissa yelled, 'Maybe next time we can have a change of clean clothes in case she pees herself again.' Mystic looked mortified." Enrique would take Mystic for about 9 hours on Sundays. "When she'd come home, she'd be withdrawn and would get aggressive with the other kids," Jennifer said. All 5 Salazar children last Christmas (Mystic is girl on the right)

In all likelihood, Mystic Salazar is relatively safe. This is not a high profile missing children's case like Caylee Anthony in Florida. But relatively safe and safe are two different things. Mystic was abducted by her biological father--a man who had nothing to do with her for most of her life. And Jennifer Davis, the woman Mystic knows as mom is trying desperately to find her. While a judge says Mystic should be with Jennifer and her husband Amie in Mesa County, Colorado, law enforcement disagrees. Why? Because the bio dad, Enrique Arreolo-Lopez fled before he was served with the legal papers. And no one knows where he is. The courts did grant Enrique and his wife Melissa visitation rights and those visits affected 6-year-old Mystic. "She would have nightmares after visits," Jennifer said. "She'd come into our room and crawl into bed with us. And that was not typical of Mystic. Sometimes she'd come home after a visit and was starving." At just 3'3 and 35 pounds, Jennifer said Mystic typically "eats like a bird." "On two different occasions, she came back from 9 hour visits saying she didn't eat at all. She said it was because her other daddy said there wasn't enough money for food today." Following those visits, Mystic would come home and eat as much as she usually ate in a day in one sitting. She was that hungry. "We would tell the counselor this and telling him something wasn't right. Instead the counselor pushed for more visits. Another counselor pushed for Mystic to spend Labor Day Weekend with Enrique. Enrique had been providing the counselor with pictures of a smiling Mystic. We saw the pictures and pointed out they were from Chucky Cheese. What child isn't going to have a good time there? Another picture was at her birthday party where she was given a lot of gifts. We pointed out to the counselor that they were the Disneyland parents. They get to come in and do all the fun stuff for one day. But they don't deal with the day to day life." It would get worse. "Shortly before they took her, she came home from a visit with a red mark across her throat. This was during a visit they weren't supposed to have. They showed up unannounced at Mystic's baseball game and freaked her out. She started screaming and crying. She told Amie she didn't want to go, holding onto him. Enrique and Melissa were trying to force her to go. So we compromised. We asked Mystic if it would be ok if they all had lunch together. After lunch I walked Mystic over to Enrique's car and told her it would be ok and to go have fun with daddy. Later that afternoon, when they returned her to us, she had what looked like a ligature mark across her throat. I asked her what happened and she said, 'mommy, I don't know.' She said she forgot. You could tell she was real shy about it. I called Enrique when Mystic was out of earshot and Melissa answered the phone. She wouldn't let me talk to him. I asked her what happened and she said Mystic didn't have that mark when she was dropped off. We took pictures and gave them to the counselor and the attorneys involved with her case. Nothing happened." In early August, the attorney assigned to Mystic came to Jennifer and Amie's for a home visit. While he was there, Twalla showed up to pick up Mystic for lunch. The attorney told her that she could only take Mystic for lunch but not dinner because it was too much for her. "When Twalla brought Mystic back after lunch she said she would be back for dinner," Jennifer said. "When I reminded her what the attorney said, she cussed me out and said I screwed up and would never see Mystic again. The next day, Enrique had his visit with Mystic. Things were kind of weird because they showed up in a new vehicle--a minivan. When they dropped her off at our meeting place near a grocery store, they pulled around to a gas station and left their van near the pumps where we couldn't see it. They walked Mystic across the parking lot to me. The very next weekend, August 17, Mystic freaked out while I tried to get her ready to go for her weekly visit. She was screaming and crying and refused to get into the shower. She cried the whole way from our house to the store where we were meeting Enrique. The visit was supposed to be from 9:30 to 5:30. I showed up at 9:20 and we sat there waiting. I sat in the back of our van with Mystic holding her because she was crying. I was trying to reassure her that she would go and have fun. At 9:45, I decided to pull away figuring Enrique wasn't going to show. Then I had second thoughts because I thought that if I prevented the visit, we'd lose Mystic. So I stopped and waited for about another 10-15 minutes. Then Enrique came walking up with his son Manuel. There was no vehicle in sight. He said Melissa was at the counselor's signing papers. I had to literally pry Mystic's arms off of me because she was screaming that she didn't want to go. Enrique walked away with her and Mystic turned back to me a yelled, 'mommy, I love you can I have a hug?' Enrique let her give me a hug and I told her I loved her and that when she came home, we'd get ready for her first day of school the next day. They walked away and that was the last time I've seen her." That night, Jennifer returned to the meeting place to pick up Mystic. She waited from 5:25 until 7:55. "I waited. I didn't leave that spot. I called Enrique's phone and it went straight to voicemail. I called the attorney and the counselor emergency number. I finally got a call back from the counselor's business partner and she said the counselor had been out of town for the past couple of days. What we found out later was that Melissa had dropped off her two children with their dad because he had custody. He said when she dropped them off, the van they were driving was loaded down with their stuff. They told him they were moving to Texas and they'd be back every 6 weeks to see the kids. She said she was going to nursing school. We also found out that although she had been telling people she was a nurse and worked in a doctors' office, she was, in fact, a receptionist, not a nurse. We also found out she had been arrested 10 years ago for shoplifting and using her children to do it which is why she lost custody." The Mesa County Sheriff's Office doesn't think a crime was committed. "They said, because Enrique is her biological father, he has every right to have her. When we showed them the minute orders from court, the deputy asked me 'how do I know you didn't type that up on your own computer?' I couldn't believe it. There was a possible sighting of Mystic in town back in September. When I called the sheriff's office, they said there was no crime and they couldn't do anything. Mystic's court appointed attorney won't return our calls." Two days after Enrique vanished with Mystic, the court issued an order that authorizes law enforcement to turn Mystic over to Jennifer and Amie if she's found and granting legal custody to them. "Law enforcement here in town say it's not valid," Jennifer said. "Because Enrique hasn't been served with it." Enrique, as you recall, fled town and no one knows where he is. So, a technicality, and lack of common sense is keeping Mystic on the run. Jennifer, Amie and her family aren't sitting back. They are doing all they can trying to overcome the law enforcement obstacles and trying to find their little girl. Without the help of police makes it that much more difficult. You can help if you spot her. Call any of these numbers immediately and help get Mystic home where she belongs. L.E.A. - Mesa County Sheriff Dept. Telephone Number - (970) 244-3500

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Jesse Ross looks like the "All American" college kid, a good kid, who with red hair, freckles and an infectious smile earned him the nickname, "Opie". He excelled in his classes at the University of Missouri-Kansas City and was attending a mock United Nations conference in Chicago with 13 of his fellow students. A sponsor had just promised them a trip to Costa Rica, an exciting adventure for Jesse and his friends. Jesse Ross has a promising future ahead of him and proud parents and a family who shared so much.

On November 20, 2006, Jesse phone his mother to let her know the conference was going well and he was enjoying himself. He was the type of son that always kept in contact with his family, especially confiding in his mother, Donna.

The students were staying at the Four Points Sheraton Hotel in the downtown are of Chicago close to the river. There was a dance and parties before a mock emergency meeting scheduled at 2am.

Sources say that around 2:30am Jesse got up to take a 30 minute break, walked out of a side door to a well lit walkway. Surveillance cameras recorded him leaving out that doorway. 12 hours later his roommate realized that Jesse had not returned to their room at the Four Points Sheraton but figured he must have been in someone else's room for the night,so he packed up Jesse's belongings for him thinking that the gesture would be appreciated.

Don and Donna Ross and their son Andy are left with so many unanswered questions. Chicago police provided extensive searches of the area surrounding the hotel with no results. How can a young man simply vanish in the middle of a busy city?

Faith is the glue that holds this family together today. Hope and faith that one day Jesse will just walk in the front door.

"We pray for a sign, anything," Donna said. "We pray, 'If he is in heaven with you, that's not my first choice, but God, please give us a sign. Send me an e-mail, a phone call, something. We have to know that he's OK and with you.'

"When you lose someone you love when they pass on, you grieve and then you move on with your life," Donna said. "We are nowhere. We are still stuck in that revolving door. We know nothing more than we knew that first day."

So the search continues, hope continues, life is moving forward, but for the Ross family there is something huge missing, their son Jesse "Opie" Ross. They miss his presence, his humor, his love and life will never be the same for them until they know where Jesse might be.

The family is asking for your help. November 21st was the date of the Opiefest3 and the date that a petition and post cards were sent to the Mayor of Chicago pleading for help in Jesse's case. Please take a minute, write to the Mayor at:

Chicago Mayor's office121 N LaSalle St. #507Chicag, IL 60602

If you don't have the time or a stamp to mail a letter you can email your response to Jesse's family and they will make sure to send them on.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Have you ever had a cyber "friend" who was your confidant, mentor, teacher or someone you enjoyed conversing with? The friendship could have started on any number of levels and quickly developed into an experience of sharing personal thoughts, goals and causes.

What defines a cyber friend differently is the fact that you never get to see that friend's body language, you only get to know them by their online presence behind a keyboard and screen and by the way they present themselves in different media, whether it be email, message boards, forums or social media groups.

Everything seems to go along great for a while until one of you disagrees or shows a "real life" side to your online personality that sets off a bell inside your head. It could be something as innocuous as being too bossy in an email, or a blog entry or action taken that is in disagreement with the ideals you both set forth in the beginning.

Go back and think about what brought you together in the first place, and how excited you were to have someone online who was there to help, encourage, and support your efforts. Think about that first digital impression you got of each other, the way everything seemed to flow the way you wanted. Unfortunately, not all good things are made to last forever, and now the usefulness of your friendship is over.

So it comes time to part ways with your cyber friend. How do you handle the breakup? Do you pick at old wounds? Do you ignore emails saying you are just too busy to answer? Do you harbor ill feelings and hurt? Do you wage a subtle campaign against them in blog entries calling them out?In my mind when it's time to call it off, call it off!

Let it go, move on. There are millions of others on the internet to converse with that will see your viewpoint so there is no need to hang on to animosity. It's the quality of cyber friends that is important, not necessarily the quantity.

Give it up gracefully, you will both be better for it. Karma has a way of taking care of the rest.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hope that you, too, will find inspiration and courage from these amazing ideas -- the holidays are never easy after the death of a child. It doesn't matter how long it has been. So take heart, you are not alone. Take comfort, you might find somesupport in one of these:

From Jana, California Chapter of the MISS Foundation

I made a point to have some memento at each Holiday [support group] meeting, which means just about every month. For our first meetings, I try to give a pin to each parent (hand or foot print) with their child's name on it. Usually it is worn to Group only. For March I did a clover with the child's name, for December - an ornament. The quilt squares are wonderful too. You can supply the pre-cutfabric and batting, along with puffy paint, buttons, etc... and work on them together during a meeting. I was surprised how into it the Dads were.

For Christmas and Thanksgiving I have decorated a cemetery in the children's section with flowers and a Kindness Card from our MISS Group. This gets the web address out for those who are suffering the Holidays alone.

I have arranged guest speakers for Holiday meetings, too. Some professionals who have had a personal experience are willing and eager to donate their time during the Holidays. My focus is always to make it a time of celebration, rather than slipping into the dark depression. I use the Holidays as a time of "celebrating" the many ways in which my life has been blessed by the child who has left us.

Setting up peer support during the next few months can also be very helpful. I use to send a MISS group card to each family that I had been in contact with and recognize their special child.

From Heidi, Minnesota Chapter of the MISS Foundation

I came up with a nice idea for signing Christmas cards.

I got a very small angel paper puncher. (If you are thinking of doing this, I recommend buying more than one. I actually have 3, then I always have a back up when mine starts to get dull.) I punched out a little angel at the bottom of every card, just under or after our names. The first year I did this, I sent out a small typed up phrase (with another angel punched out at the bottom), that said,

"The little angel at the bottom, is in memory of our precious little Natalie. It is our way of symbolizing that although she is no longer with us physically, her spirit will forever be part of us and our family."

(More than a year later I saw that my father-in-law had framed it and put it in his bedroom.)

Now I punch a little angel out of every card I send, not only Christmas cards. My friends, family, co-workers, and everyone we know understand what it means. It's my way of reminding them of Natalie and making sure that no one can forget her, letting them know that she is still very much a part of our family.

I have heard of another mom that does the same with an angel stamp.

From Mary, Illinois Chapter of the MISS Foundation

Each year at our support group meetings in December, we try to have a "holiday party" so to speak. While we are talking, we provide materials for everyone to make an ornament for their angel(s). The dads really dig using glue guns!! The people who have been with us a while say that these areabsolute treasures to them.

The ornaments are usually making an angel of some sort. Last year we did a seashell body with a wooden ball for the head, craft store wedding rings for the halo, and wood hearts put together with the points touching on the back for the wings. We also had a small ribbon that was glued on like a necklace with a bead that was the color of the birthstone of the baby. We glittered up the wings ahead of time and spray painted the seashells white. They really turned out nice.

We also have candles there that they light when they come in. We also ask people to bring in music they like that we play in the background. I think personally, it is my favorite meeting of the year, and we provide a safe place to "celebrate" with people who understand. We also give them a gift from us, usually another ornament.

So often, as we all know, the holidays just suck. We try to make it just a little easier.

From Patrice (I'm not sure which chapter, sorry!)

The one thing that I found helpful last year is - I bought some inexpensive plastic angel ornaments from Big Lots (they are red, green or clear and they open up). I gave one to each member of our extended family and our close friends and asked them to write something to Geneva for Christmas. They could write whatever they chose to and then they were supposed to put their notes in the ornaments and bring it to our house to hang on our tree.

Craig and I loved seeing all of the filled angels on our tree and especially liked reading all of the notes after Christmas as we were putting the ornaments away. (I wanted to wait to read the notes, because putting the Christmas decorations away is very depressing for me.)

We also do this at Easter time with plastic easter eggs.

From Joanne, Founder of MISS Foundation National

I always include Cheyenne in our Christmas cards (they are usually pre-printed)-- for example:

"Like the unseen breeze, the presence of those loved and lost remains with us always."This holiday season we remember our daughter and sister, Cheyenne. Take time this season to remember...

From Kristin, California (Arcadia) Chapter of the MISS Foundation

Something my husband and I did last year to cope with the holidays was that we bought all our family members Christmas ornaments with Emily's name and the year on them. That made me feel like she would be a part of people's Christmas.

My mother in law also went to a nursery and bought a whole bunch of pink rose bushes. We put big pink bows on them and gave them to people. I love going to people's houses and having them show me "Emily's Rose." These gifts gave us a positive focus and really helped us cope.

Can you see what I mean about inspired and comforted by all these ideas? Hope that something here has sparked an idea for you and your family as we move through the holiday season and into the New Year. As always, we here at KotaPress would love to hear from you about how this article helped or inspired you. Be in touch ateditor@kotapress.comand thanks for your readership and contributions!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

"Carlos, if you’re out there and you get a chance to hear this, somehow, some way, give us some sign of where you are because we love you and we miss you and it’s been a long time. You have 2 grandsons, that one is carrying your name, and wants to see you. And we love you. Oh God, that’s hard."

This is the message that Nancy Freneire, sister of Carlos Diaz, would like to convey to her brother. In an interview with Todd Matthews on his "Missing Pieces" show, Nancy recounts the events of December 23, 1986.

Carlos and his family were attending a reunion in the Bronx, NY home of another sister. The family dog had died and being that the dog was closest to Carlos, he went to bury it. As time went on and it got later, another brother noticed that Carlos left without any ID, which was unusual for him, felt that Carlos had plenty of time to bury the dog and return, and decided he better go out looking for him. The brother found the dog that Carlos had left with to bury, but there was no sign of Carlos anywhere.

When Carlos did not return home, the family made the decision to go to the police and file a missing persons report based on the facts that he was unlikely to stay away from his family and especially his little daughter. Due to the fact that Carlos was 32 at the time, he fell into a "guideline" that said it was assumed since he was an adult, he probably just took off. The family was not able to get the police to take a report.

Over 20 years have gone by and this family has continued their search for Carlos. The internet has provided places to list missing persons information, however, there are a lot of agencies and sites that can not do anything without a police missing persons report filed and no NCIC number to go by. Now, over 20 years later, the family is told that too much time has passed and the police will still not file a report.

Recently, Nancy was able to have a DNA sample taken and that sample may be the key to finding Carlos who is also listed in the Doe Network. Previous to going missing, Carlos had a head injury which could have resulted in memory loss. Could he be out there after all this time? Could he be in a facility not knowing who he really is? There could be any number of answers and his family is able to accept any of them as long as they know what happened to Carlos.

Nancy and her family, including the daughter of Carlos, have a huge void in their lives which can only be filled with answers. So many changes happen in a family in 20 years, fathers die, children grow up and have children of their own, and sisters and brothers go their separate ways. One thing has been a constant in the family of Carlos Diaz and that is that they miss him, they love him, and they will not stop searching for him. One day, with the help of organizations likeNAMUS and DOE Network, and many others, this family will know the answers and they will finally be at peace.

Vital StatisticsDate Of Birth: November 10, 1954Age at Time of Disappearance: 32 years oldHeight and Weight at Time of Disappearance: 5'8"; 165 lbs.Distinguishing Characteristics: Hispanic male. Brown hair; brown eyes.Marks, Scars: Tattoo of the initials C.D on left hand.

More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “chosen child” sets the child up to feel special. Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”

I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her. If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it. If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.

And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.” Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.

I send you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it everyday. You can, too.

Christmas may be a time when you get together with family and friends. Often, if you have lost someone you love you are reminded that they are not around. This may be hard and everyone reacts differently to this. It may be that it causes people to react more sensitively to things. Everyone has there own way of coping. It is important that you look after yourself and have your way of getting through the hard bits.

Here are some ideas that may help you better manage the Christmas holidays.

Allow Yourself to be Sad - Christmas may have been a time you spent with someone you have lost. It is normal to feel sad that they are not with you. It may help to take some time out, to remember the person you love. You may want to:

Find a quiet spot to remember all the good things about the person

Go and do something that you used to do together

Write a letter to the person

Revisit that favourite spot you had

Share some of the memories

It is OK to Enjoy Yourself - It may be hard to celebrate when you are missing someone you love. It is not uncommon to have a whole lot of different feelings such as sadness, guilt, or excitement. Getting together with family and close friends may be a chance to remember the good times and it's ok to relax and have a laugh. Having fun is not necessarily a sign that you miss that person any less.

Look after Yourself - Remembering that this may be a tough time for you is important. This may mean that you have to treat yourself with a bit of care. Avoid making major decisions until after Christmas is over. If possible, treat yourself to something you enjoy doing. It may be that you:

Go to the beach

Go for a walk

Kick a footie

Listen to music

Go shopping

Have a massage

Hang out with friends.

Talk to Someone - Having someone you trust to talk to about how you are feeling may be helpful. This may be a family member, friend or youth worker. If you are finding it hard to cope with day-to-day stuff then it may help to talk to someone like a counsellor. Check out the Finding Help section for more information about what a counsellor does.

Your local phone book should have details of where to find a counsellor in your local area.

Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800 (free call) or Lifeline 131 114 (cost of a local call) also have counsellors that are available 24 hours a day and the call does not show up on your phone bill.

Avoid Bottling Stuff Up - Getting stuff off your chest is important. Keeping things to yourself may mean that the tension builds up inside you. Finding a way to get out what you are feeling may help you to feel better. You may like to talk to someone, write your thoughts down, draw, have a cry or punch some pillows. Check out the 'Express Yourself' fact sheet for more ideas about how to get stuff off your chest.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Remembering that “The Loser” doesn’t accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions — ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can’t feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they’ve probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of “I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.” If “The Loser” can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

If “The Loser” panics, you’ll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner — a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to the many negotiations that will be offered — dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as “The Loser” has contact with you they will feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

“The Loser” will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you’ll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you’ll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

Don’t try to make them understand how you feel — it won’t happen. “The Loser” is only concerned with how they feel — your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how “The Loser” is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if “The Loser” finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future”. When “The Loser” hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens — we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle — thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation — we’ve given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position — always say the same thing. “The Loser” will stop playing a machine that doesn’t pay off and quickly move to another.

Please click HERE to read this brilliant article by Clinical Psychologist Joseph M. Carver, PhD. in its entirety, which includes extremely important info such as...Follow Up Protection.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The “Stockholm Syndrome” reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing “Stockholm Syndrome” will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.

Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are often offered such as “I know people who can make others disappear”. Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller – how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.

Final Thoughts

You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.

If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the “dating” phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further complicates their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship, it’s important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding – not a source of pressure, guilt, or aggression.

This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. I’ve outlined recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual (www.drjoecarver.com) but clearly, there are more victims in this situation. It is hoped this article is helpful to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful to victims and their loved ones.

By now you know that bones were found in Orlando today. You know they were a stone's throw from the residence Casey Marie Anthony shared with her daughter and George and Cindy Anthony. You might just know that a meter reader working in the area apparently found himself between a rock and a hard place and while searching for a private place to pee, he found a plastic bag on the ground. Naturally curious, he picked it up.

The skull of a small child rolled out of the bag.

Local law enforcement authorities are striving hard to be professional about the find. They have hinted that the skull and the bones that were still in the bag might be those of little Caylee Anthony, who vanished sometime in June, 2008. But they can't declare the remains are Caylee's until they've run forensic tests to prove it.

Tim Miller, of Texas Equusearch, has no such constraints, and Miller told the Orlando Sentinel that the bones "appear to be Caylee." Miller also said "It looks like finally it's over with."

The bones have been taken to the medical examiner's office. Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary has said that they are 'a top priority' for the FBI and the forensic investigators working on the find.

Their Orlando attorney said that George and Cindy Anthony were "obviously shocked" about the find.

Casey Anthony's attorney, Jose Baez, has filed an emergency motion in an Orlando court asking that the defense be present during all forensic tests on the remains. A judge will hear the motion on Friday.

If the bones prove to be those of Caylee Anthony, it will be interesting to see how George and Cindy Anthony respond to the news. In their vocal, visible and sometimes seemingly delusional defense of Casey, the Anthonys have become nearly as controversial as their pretty, flat-eyed daughter.

They have proven remarkably inventive in their attempts to circumvent common sense when speaking publicly about the case against Casey. From insisting that the smell of decomposition in the car Casey drove after Caylee vanished was old food to later implying that someone placed the decomp material found in the trunk in the car after it was impounded, the Anthonys have been object lessons in active, insistent denial.

How will they be able to deny this, if the bones were once a little girl named Caylee? What will Casey say to her parents, no doubt pinning them to their chairs in the jail visiting area with her big, innocent but unblinking baby blues? Reasonable people would like to think they'd withdraw into their grief and let the system take over. That would make sense, and perhaps be better for them. But nothing in the Anthony case has made much sense. The Anthonys might not miss a beat -- they may now come forward proposing police target neighborhood sex offenders, or insist that it was all an accident, and the only crime was a cover-up. People tired of hearing about this case in the news would do well to not sit back and say the story is over -- it may have only just begun. [OrlandoSentinel.com]

Please join us at Peace4 the MissingMissing Persons Awareness and Support Networkhttp://peace4missing.ning.com

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Missing Loved Ones, a blog kept active daily by Peace4 the Missing member, Grace Flynn, is obviously a labor of love and a passion to bring awareness and exposure to missing loved ones.

This blog is constantly updated with pictures and information links to all missing persons, men, women, children, runaways, abducted, any missing person.

Missing Loved Ones is a blog that should be looked at on a daily basis for any person or organization that is involved in trying to help find the missing and unidentified persons.

Please put Missing Loved Ones in your favorites and check it daily! You could be the one person out there that might have a tidbit of information that would bring a missing loved one home to their family. Make it a priority! Thanks to Grace for her incredible work!

Praying for every poor lost soul that has not found their way home yet. You are not forgotten.

Please join us at Peace4 the MissingMissing Persons Awareness and Support Networkhttp://peace4missing.ning.com

Monday, December 8, 2008

Melvin "MACK" Mackey, Jr is undoubtedly an incredible man. His fervent cries for his missing daughter, Laneeka Varnado pulled at the heartstrings of our nation. This single photo of a Father's desperate pleas for help will forever be permanently inprinted on my mind.Laneeka Varnado has now been found. But it is not the joyous homecoming of many prayers. And vivid recollections of Mack's desperate pleas for his baby brought many to their knees upon hearing of her loss.

Yet even when facing the most tragic of events, this Amazing Father is once again teaching all of us how God truly intended a Daddy to love his own.

Thank You Laneeka and Mack, for gifting a glimpse of your love for one another, for sharing a peek at how cherished her most precious life is with us...you have both undoubtedly so positively influenced our entire Nation. "Daddy's Girl" will never be forgotten.

I will celebrate her life until I close my eyes, I cannot feel sad because i know she would not have wanted that. I will miss my baby, but she will be with me in my heart forever, and will continue to ride with me.

Mackey said he grew sleepy Saturday as he drove his motorcycle toward the Powder Springs home he shared with his daughter. He decided to stay on C.H. James Parkway, rather than turning off onto back roads he typically traveled. Mackey reasoned the highway would be safer in his drowsy state...his daughter, he thinks, had been of the same mindset.

“She was trying to call me and tell me where she was,” he said. “She sprinkled some dust in my eyes for me to doze off, and she brought me to the same path that she took.”

Mackey said he is relieved that his daughter’s death was an accident and that she didn’t suffer. Now, the family can lay her to rest.

“We’re gonna do it New Orleans style,” said Mackey. “We’re going to dance, we’re going to laugh, we’re going to celebrate her life. There is nothing to mourn.”

Sunday, December 7, 2008

April Susanne Wiss was 16 years old in January, 2000 and staying with a friend of her mother, Dee Clasen, in the same apartment building in Wichita, Kansas. April, nicknamed "Squeaky", apparently needed to see what life was like on her own outside of her mother's care and was probably testing her boundaries as most 16 year olds.

April was scheduled to testify as a witness in a felony trial on January 13, 2000, but she never made that date. Although she was apprehensive about the testimony, she agreed to testify as a witness. On the evening of January 11, just 2 days before the trial, April left home with her wallet, pager and keys, never to be heard from again.

According to Dee, April didn't just take off, although initially she was classified as a runaway, then re-

classified as a missing person. She had just given money to her roommate for food and rent, the money was still at their home, along with April's clothes and belongings things she would have needed if she was running away.

There have been no reports of whether April received a phone call before leaving her home, of a scheduled date. Her roommate had already gone to bed, so probably wouldn't know if a phone call came in for her. As in similar cases authorities are baffled and can't prove whether her disappearance is connected to testifying, whether she met with foul play, or if she left for California, which she had often wanted to do.

Dee Clasen has been a champion for the missing since April's disappearance. She has worked locally in Wichita to bring awareness to the many missing persons in Kansas, with Team Hope, and also has featured April with several missing persons organizations, including 411Gina and their "Squeaky Wheel Tour", CUE Center for Missing Persons and the "Road to Remember Tour", Project Jason and the "18 Wheel Angels".

Dee has been instrumental in honoring April this year at Peace4 the Missing by creating the "April Tree", an interactive way for members to support and encourage each other through the holiday season, which is extremely hard to enjoy when your loved one is missing.

If you have any information concerning this case, please contact:Wichita Police Department316-337-6552

Vital Statistics at Time of Disappearance

Missing Since: January 11, 2000 from Wichita, KansasClassification: Endangered MissingDate Of Birth: September 1, 1983Age: 16 years oldHeight and Weight: 6'0, 165 poundsDistinguishing Characteristics: Caucasian female. Sandy blonde hair, hazel eyes. Wiss's hair was dyed dark brown at the time of her 2000 disappearance. She has three black dots tattooed on her right hand between the base of her thumb and wrist. Wiss has several scars underneath her right pinky finger. Her nickname is Squeaky.Clothing/Jewelry Description: A white t-shirt, a navy blue jacket with gray lining, flared jeans and white tennis shoes.