Exploring traditional male-led, DD, D/s relationships in a modern world. We believe in building on and within our core values of communication, reciprocity, grace and balance.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Expectations

Expectations. Little word, big implications!

It's more than just my ideas of how our happy little home should be run. It's more than just me flexing my muscles as a dominant. Expectations are the actualization of clear, open communication. I think as the Head of my Home, giving clear, unobstructed expectations clears away confusion and gives us all (myself included) the way ahead. I also think that as long as there are standards, that I have to hold myself to the highest among them, after all how can I make a rule if I myself cannot abide by it?

I think in today's world expectations almost become even more important. Raising our children into strong successful, positive men is definitely a feat in today's world. Clarity, respect, love and accountability are a vital part of any family structure, but in our home it becomes an integral part of our day to day life. Having two young boys with SPD makes clear communication extremely important. They need and depend on June's and my consistent love, reinforcement and patience to learn and thrive in a world that isn't always so patient or easy. They respond in kind and give us the honor of loving them with a fastness and surety that brings comfort to us all. Occasionally, this brings us out of our comfort zone but ultimately, that's a good thing!

In TTWD, expectations are also of the utmost importance, She submits with grace and deference, I attempt to honor her by being the kind of man that she deserves and needs. I don't always feel like I succeed, but she bolsters me and gives me the strength to give her my best and to become better. I expect her submission. I expect her respect. I expect her obedience and I expect in turn to give her comfort. I expect to give her grace, and kindness. I expect to give her my best, even when it isn't always easy or I find myself conflicted by personal interests. No, our love is greater and I hold myself to this standard because she deserves no less than a man who protects, guides, teaches, disciplines, and loves her to the fullest. Yes, sometimes these expectations are high, but I feel that they need to be. I am not prepared to settle for good, when great is there to be taken, I am not going to settle for low hanging fruit when the sweetest can be had higher up. I am not part of a generation that expects participation trophies.

Of course patience is required and so is a firm hand. I am sure I am not alone in understanding the value of being kind and patient. Also of deep value is the security and comfort that comes with knowing that we have each other's backs. If we slip up or make a mistake, it's not time wasted as long as we come away from the experience with a healthy respect for each other and appreciation of the knowledge that we have gained along the way. Sometimes being patient doesn't always come as naturally as I'd like to say it does, but understanding each other, and giving each other support is often the surest path to harmony.

Sometimes a firm hand (or hairbrush or strap or... well I'm sure you get the point) are integral to our process, not necessarily correction but the reinforcement of our love and expectations of one and other.... We know we are different, but really sometimes nothing does the trick quite like a trip upstairs and over the knee.

We learn from each other every day and value the wisdom and clarity that expectations can bring into our life. We would not be who we are if we did not have the patience, and drive to expect the best of each other and hold each other to a standard of excellence in love and life.

There are expectations... and they are indeed great!

Her POV

Like Ward, I think my expectations are higher for myself as an individual than for him. That may seem inequitable, but in our time together, he has proven to exceed every single expectation and or hope that I had, every dream/fantasy/desire that I ever constructed. He is a reward to my heart, and my life of which I hope that I prove worthy.

I have expectations more for our relationship, than for us as individuals. I expect that we will be honest. I expect that we will be caring. I expect that we will hold each other's needs paramount. I expect that we will love each other and give each other and our children our very best. I expect that he will hold me accountable for the standards that we have set. I expect that when I come to him, feeling like I have failed, he will give me the truth, and absolution or relief. I expect that when I come with any burden, he will raise me up. I expect that I will lift any burden that he bears.

I expect that I will give him my very best. I expect that he will give me his very best. I expect that we will make our family our priority. I expect that we will learn and grow and love each other more with every tomorrow.

Beautifully said Ward and June. Expectations are of the utmost importance in ttwd, and they must be clearly communicated otherwise things can get messy! We have had the odd occasion in the past where one of us didn't meet the other's expectations, but this is rare now and if it does happen we communicate.

Whenever I do anything, or behave in a way that doesn't meet my husband's expectations, his first action is always to discuss it to establish whether I knew it wasn't the behaviour he expects. If so, there is usually some consequence, if not we communicate and he makes the expectation clear .... and hopefully there is not a repeat!

I think like June, I hold higher expectations of myself and of our relationship than I do of my husband.

Thank you, Roz :) That's another point, yes I have expectations for our relationship as well, that involves both of us putting in our best efforts each and every day. Clarity of communication and willingness to be transparent...and accountable to each other, they are simply the most important tools that Ward and I have.

Expectations are a very tricky thing. They can be a source of comfort and stability, but they can also be a source of frustration if misplaced.

One thing I struggle with is expecting things to be done the way I would do them. I controlled our home for the first 13 1/2 yrs and am now trying to turn things over to John and realize that we are not the same and do not do things the same way and as long as things are getting done that's ok.

On the other hand I need to know John's expectations of me in order to be what he needs me to be. This is where communication is of the utmost importance. It's the one thing that we are finding is the solution to most of the issues we encounter. Surprisingly, discipline is not the most important thing is domestic discipline as I know you are aware.

I try to stay aware that this is absolutely not one size fits all. We share our experiences so that some may be able to see a similarity and use out experience and how we resolved it to navigate their own circumstances. I know we had a HUGE advantage in that we came into this as a DD couple, we didn't have to reevaluate and change an existing dynamic. But I do believe that is an across the board thing, communication has got to be the foundation. If you cannot communicate you really have nothing to build on, like I said to Roz above, it is truly one of our two most valuable tools.

The funniest thing is people assume that when you agree to be submissive to your mate that you lose your voice. Truth be told, my voice is never lost to Ward, I am listened to more and more thoroughly than I have ever been in my entire life - my thoughts,wants needs and desires bear a greater weight than ever before. That is absolutely amazing!

My expectations when I come visit here is that I am going to be warmed or charmed or educated or all of the previous and you have always met those expectations.

To me, expectations and communication go hand in hand - whether in marriage (TTWD or vanilla), business or parenting. Ward, I just love the way you so clearly and concisely explain things and always with such love and respect for June and the boys. June, I agree, I have always expected more out of myself than I do out of others. It's also easier for me to forgive others for not meeting expectations than it is to forgive myself.

Oh, that's a biggie, Cat, forgiveness. It's extended to Ward and the children without a moment's hesitation, before they even ask....myself? Well, that's another story entirely. Definitely something that I need to work on, but he...ummmm...helps me, lol.

I agree, these are not concepts that should be exclusive to TTWD/DD/D/s couples, this SHOULD be the foundation of any successful relationship. It's something I never had before, and I relish that I share it with Ward.

Well written informative post. The two of you are providing a wonderful example of what love and marriage should be for your boys. They are so lucky to have you and you two are lucky to have each other.

Your both making me think hard again. Why do I have such hard expectation on myself? Why is it so easy to forgive everyone so easily, yet have such a hard time forgiving myself. Positive attitude always again for everyone yes myself sometimes. WOW if that was one of my rules I would be a hurting girl. Things to work on and ponder. New Years thinking. Thanks again both of you for such wonderful thoughts to make us ponder.

Thanks for your kindness, Annie :) It is one of my rules, lol, no self-deprecation. Daddy never has made it an all out correction spanking, but there will be a very firm portion in a discipline spanking (which for us is like maintenance, or role affirmation), just to reinforce the rule and my worth.

For me it comes from a life time of being told that I was inadequate. Ward is the first one, aside from our children (but what frame of reference do they really have? lol) that has said that I make him happy, and proud, that I please him and that I am enough. It always stops me in my tracks, and it's maybe one of the hardest things to take into my heart.

A wonderful blog - we are exactly on the same page as you two.The love and appreciation we've discovered through domestic discipline isoverwhelming. Patience, obedience, love, a firm hand, a leader, and respect are keywords in a good relationship!I've said it once, I'll say it again:There would be less divorce in the world if more people lived this lifestyle.Happy new year June and Ward.HugsJack and Jill

Oh Jill, I agree completely. If people took the time and attention, gave the respect and deference, gifted each other patience and unconditional love, there would be no divorce. I wonder when we forgot those things in our society?

I appreciate Ward's leadership, I love being able to sink into him. Far from being stifling, it is liberating.

Thanks, Fondles :) The power of communication cannot be underestimated... even when it's hard.... even when it's painful..... even when you're not sure where to start. It eventually gets easier, and the side benefit, we become unbreakable.

I have to agree with what many have already said above. This is a wonderful post and just what I have come to expect when I visit here. It also helps to know that I am not the only submissive who expects more from myself while more easily forgiving of others. It is something I am also working on, just glad to know that I'm in good company. Thank you Ward and June for a beautiful post. and Happy New Year!

Thanks so much, Jacquie :) It helps me too, to know I am good company. He gives me gifts I have never experienced, and I find myself wanting to give him more and more, and feeling that what I give is somehow inadequate. Many times Ward has to stop me from spinning and get me to see what I give to him.

Thank you for your kindness, abby :) I think Ward must get frustrated sometimes by my expectations...simply love me and make us important. I know that's incredibly nebulous, lol, but it's a checkpoint - is this in the spirit of love and growth for her and for us?

@Tori - Thanks for stopping in to read, I think somtimes June is a bit harder on herself than need be, but I hold her in the highest light, she is a wonder.@Pocahantas - Expectations can be tricky indeed! That makes communication doubley important.@Cat - It is our expectation to be wonderfully blessed each and every time you visit, you are a wonder and a dear friend Cat.@sunnygirl - Thank you so much, we try to show the boys how a happy healthy relationship looks, and how important it is to communicate and overcome and problem solve in a healthy way!@Annie - It is one of our goals to provide thoughtful and useful material to stimulate the mind and provoke communication.@Fondles - Thanks! We like that phrase too!@ronnie - Thank you so much for reading, t'is lovely seeing you here!@abby - Thank you for stopping in! It is a recipie that works ofr us, we work hard at it!@Grace - Thanks! it was a thrill to write!@Jack Jill - Thank you so much for stopping by! We agree! Communication, love, patience and discipline are all part of a healthy relationship.

Wow Ward, your part sounded eerily like a lecture I received from a single minded husband recently.....ouch. Reading, I was remembering that unpleasant encounter - but I am also struck by how similar in tone and content it is to the things that Ian says. His expectations for both of us, his role in keeping everything blissful is so clearly defined for him. I struggle from time to time, and step out of bounds, but he never seems to....until I read this post I didn't realize what a gift that was. If I couldn't depend on him to pull things back together, even if it means something temporarily unpleasant, I would feel very unstable.Thanks for giving this HoH pov - it was something I needed to hear today.Junie, your sentiment is an anthem for a TiH wife - lovely.hugslillie