Spelunking in the Cave of Wonders

Let's face it, biology is fucked. The vast majority of men are capable of achieving orgasm through intercourse, often much more rapidly than they intended. By contrast, only about twenty percent of women reach the heights of sensual pleasure after a few minutes of earnest penile thrusting. Much of the reason for this is because the clitoris is inexplicably placed on the vulva, far from the recesses of the vaginal canal. It's as if Nature was playing a particularly dizzy game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and the clitoris landed as far as possible from its intended target.

Nevertheless, guys tend to be obsessed with the interior of the vagina. They stick their penises and fingers into a woman's moist crevice, shove them around enthusiastically, and feel surprised when the woman isn't bucking and screaming within a few minutes. Afterward, they're not sure what happened, or who is to blame. Often, they simply enjoy their own orgasms, forget the matter entirely and move on to other activities.

The reason for the woman's lack of orgasm is often obvious—more than likely, she requires direct clitoral stimulation. The tender little button is incredibly easy to spot—its ready accessibility is one of the main virtues of its otherwise inconvenient placement. If you part the vaginal folds slightly, the clitoris lies in waiting—hopefully bulging and ready to receive its reward. A willing male partner needs to dip his head, place his tongue onto the clitoris, and get to work licking it eagerly.

At this point, some of you might be recoiling and saying to yourself, 'No WAY am I gonna lick anyone's vagina. That's disgusting!” or, even more sadly, “No way am gonna allow anyone to lick my vagina. That's disgusting!” A great deal of shame and brainwashing accompanies the concept of pussy-licking. Most of it is patently untrue, ingrained by a patriarchal, body-shaming culture. The macho, “wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am” archetype has prevailed for generations. It is easy to understand how a male who was raised seventy-five years ago could cling to such foolishness. However, I am bewildered by the continuing prevalence of young men, seemingly open-minded in most other respects, who shrink from the mere idea of cunnilingus.

I recently participated on a male friend's thread on Facebook that revolved around the topic. He is a thirty-something, well-educated artist who leans unapologetically towards the far left of the political spectrum, and his friends are of a similar mindset. They buy local, support small businesses, and oppose offshore drilling, Starbucks and our government's military intervention in the Middle East.

After a few minutes of reading, I was dismayed to discover that squeamishness about pussy-licking still looms large in the psyches of otherwise intelligent young men and women. One of the women on the thread complained bitterly about her paramours' reluctance to go down on her. This refusal wasn't just an occasional thing—she estimated that less than only ten percent of her lovers had pleasured her orally, though the majority of them seemed to be perfectly fond of blow jobs (and, in many cases, had insisted upon their right to receive them). Other women on the thread relayed similar tales which conveyed the same double standard. A few mentioned that they were “fortunate” enough to have accommodating lovers, but that it had taken all of them a while to become comfortable with the process.

I was astounded. I reached adulthood during the late 70s, and seldom encountered men who refused to go down on me. Almost all of them were enthusiastic about the process, and this continued as I entered my 30s and 40s. Even during the early 90s, when the AIDS scare was at a fever pitch, men were thrilled about cunnilingus. Amazingly, they were quite willing to forgo the use of dental dams. I remember sitting at the now-defunct Cafe Minnie's in Seattle in 1993 after a poetry slam, and asking a bunch of bad-ass poetry dudes whether they utilized dental dams when they went down on women. They scoffed at the mere idea. All of them claimed to use condoms religiously, however.

This was high-risk behavior during the early 90s, and I probably shouldn't reminisce about it. Still, it is indicative of the high regard that men placed upon women's sexual satisfaction during that time period. Perhaps I was just lucky, because I'm sure that plenty of late 20th-century women had insensitive partners, men who eschewed pussy-licking and found the process disgusting.

However, there have been a disproportionate number of articles recently which reveal an appalling insensitivity towards women's sexual needs. One of the recent articles, written by a fellow named Noah Gulliver, appeared online last summer on the everyjoe.com website.The article was rife with misogyny and misinformation that would have been inexcusable during the 50s, but was downright jaw-dropping during the 21st century. Gulliver listed nine reasons why cunnilingus was off-limits on his sexual menu. The first five were obsessively health-related, as though he deeply believed the vagina was a breeding ground for dangerous material, so incredibly virulent that even monogamous relationships were unsafe from their bacterial ravages.

At one point, he mentioned other men's “biological material”-presumably the remnants of rival male ejaculate from the women's earlier romps: “While the vagina is self-cleaning, the process to completely cleanse can take months. Do you really want another man's biological material in your mouth? And even if you think you're in a committed relationship, by the time you find out your woman is cheating on you, it'll be too late.” Obviously, a gal's word was not to be trusted, since she was most likely a two-timer who didn't shower between men, perhaps out of spite.

I was willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt when it came to his need for health and safety. He was taking no chances, and perhaps he had never heard of dental dams or monogamous relationships. However, Reason #6 knocked his idiocy right out of the park: “The vagina is desensitized to penis-centric sex.” He continued with this rationale: “The amount of stimulation cunnilingus provides is unnatural. Think about it: If the clitoris was meant to receive that much direct stimulation, Mother Nature would have placed it within the vaginal walls instead of on the periphery.”

Obviously, Gulliver is so incredibly self-absorbed that even though he knows where the clitoris is located, he refuses to kowtow to what he regards as an accident of biology. Nature fucked up, so leave the clitoris alone. God forbid that the woman should get off too quickly, then roll over and fall asleep without the man having his chance at orgasmic bliss.

After all, that privilege is man's alone, and we can't have any of that equality bullshit. The writer is obsessed with the idea that women might get too big for their britches after a bit of oral pleasuring: “A successful relationship between a man and a woman features the man in the dominant role. That dominance is lost the moment a male gets on his knees to bow before his female and perform oral sex.” God, NO! We can't possibly have THAT, now, can we? In another article in Vice, writer Davide Lomino expresses similar sentiments.

The author describes the vagina as though it was a rotting jack o'lantern: “If it weren't already hard enough to have it splattered against your face – with your nose pointing directly to the center of the stench – the vagina is also a nightmare to handle with your mouth.” Lomino professes a fondness for the “simplicity” of blowjobs, however, and insists that they should be a staple on every sexual menu. Obviously, he is laboring under the misconception that cocks and balls smell minty fresh at all times.

If anything, women are far more concerned than men are about the hygiene of their nether regions. A look around any supermarket reveals a plethora of products devoted to vaginal cleansing, but there are no comparable products for men. One is tempted to conclude that men like Lomino and Gulliver are simply lazy, and that all of their rationale is bluster that helps to bolster male orgasmic privilege.

I'm sure that not all men are like this, especially in 2015. After all, Millennials are more open-minded than their Boomer predecessors—less conventionally religious, more tolerant of alternative sexual lifestyles, and far less racist than their parents. Why this lingering squeamishness about the body, then? And why are women still reluctant to insist upon their orgasmic rights? If a woman desires oral sex from an otherwise willing partner, and he refuses to give it, there is no reason for her to invite him back for a second round. Given that ultimatum, most guys will fall into line in a hurry and, who knows? They might even learn to like cunnilingus.

Even out the orgasmic playing field, and there's simply no telling what might happen. Next thing you know, we'll be demanding equal pay on the job, or something similarly crazy. And we can't possibly have THAT, now, can we?