Friday, August 17, 2007

Love is on my mind

I was out for Sushi last night at an amazing sushi place in Montecito called Sakana. So good! I've heard it's one of the best in the U.S. so next time Nathan Holritz is in town I'll have to have him verify that since he is the authentic master sushi tester. A lot of the conversations I've been having lately have been about love and relationships and I'm reading this book called "A Year with C.S. Lewis" and he's been talking a lot about love too and he says,

"Love as distinct from "being in love" - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit."

I got asked an interesting question and I often get asked questions about being single and it kinda cracks me up. Actually earlier this week my buddy Deyl asked me if I wanted to get married *not to him* and I kinda laughed and he scolded me because he said I always laugh when he asks stuff like that and I guess it makes him think that I don't put time into that part of my life which is kinda true but I think I've been giving it more thought lately and realizing that Love will probably come after a commitment, through maintaining it and strengthening it which is what has been so difficult for me to commit to.

Anyway, last night I was asked,

"On a scale from 1 to 10 how content are you being single?" 1 being not content at all - and 10 being totally content.

60 comments:

7 you seem like you love to be single, because I'm sure there are plenty of ladies after you. Its finding the right one,

but ill tell you one thing I've learnt as people get older they make more excuses and are fussier about what they want. But you can't except people to be perfect, they are going to disappoint you at some stage. its just the way it is.

of course i don't know you well enough to really know, but i'd say a 5, because that's right in the middle. i would be a 5, because even though love, being in love, etc etc sounds nice and grand, i'm in no hurry. there's a song by Travis that says "Love will come through, it's just waiting for you."

I think that if your thinking about it you actually want it ( ot be married or in love) , otherwise you wouldnt have though/ wrote about it....

From a spiritual standpoint a single man has more time to concentrate on spiritual matters. Of course, if one doesn’t use being single to spend more time in the work of the Lord, then this advantage goes away and there is no spiritual advantage to being single.

Not everyone should be married. Not everyone wants to be married. The Bible never insists that everyone be married, although that is what we were created for. It is hard to legitimately obey the command to be fruitful and multiply if one does not marry.

it's hard, living in a society- and being immersed in an industry- that is in love with the very idea of being in love. the older you get, the more people ask about your love life. and the more peculiar looks you get if you admit you don't give it much thought...

single-ness isn't a disease or plague. sometimes it's a commitment in and of itself, sometimes it's a choice, sometimes it's a byproduct of one's lifestyle. regardless, it's never something one should feel the need to defend or explain- despite the questions you may get to the contrary.

you should celebrate this stage in your life, as you should celebrate every aspect of your life- every step along the way.

that being said...i'm sure plenty of ladies will be delighted to learn if the elusive Mr. Jay is indeed looking to settle down... ;)

"My God, Thou art all love: Not one poor minute 'scapes Thy breast,But brings a favor from above; And in this love, more than in bed I rest."

"Blest be the God of love,Who gave me eyes, and light, and power this day, Both to be busy, and to play."

-George Herbert

DJ, My hope is that you are a 10 insofar as you drink deeply from God's perfect and unending well of love for you. I also hope that you become a 1 on the day that you realize the Lord intends for you to spend much of your life "playing" with and sacrificing for a particular child of his. (BUT, with that said, I am guessing you'll say 7.46)

Hmm.reading DJ's mind is not easy. I would think you answered 10 because you are content at this point in your life with all you have going on to be single. Not that you will always want it that way, but that's just the impression I get from hanging out with you. Being content in your current phase of life is always a good thing. From experience it's when you're most content that things happen....

thats really funny that you should bring that up DJ. i can't tell you how often i get asked that question... and then even more questions follow that one - "oh, then whats it like shooting weddings all the time?" or "well, theres going to be lots of cute bridesmaids this weekend..."

sometimes its hard because it feels like ALL my friends are dating and in love. even my younger brother is dating a gem of a girl! so, being around so many weddings and so many people in love, yeah its hard sometimes.

but, i have this strange contentment with where i'm at most of the time (i feel like you have that too, to answer your question). most of the time it doesn't bother me and i know that its just not my time. i trust that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that i am supposed to be faithful and focus on what He has placed in my path at the current moment. i look around me and see how blessed and loved i am, and thats all i can ask for right now =)

so, with that said, be encouraged DJ. you have such an amazing talent and you have inspired so many people. you have changed lives, and i don't say that lightly. God has really worked through you and its shown in everything you do. i believe that you have been committed to your business and sharing your ideas and i think if you had chosen to be in a committed relationship, it would have been a lot harder to accomplish everything you have.

when its the right timing, love will find you and it will add so much to your already blessed life. i can understand your concern about commitment, but when you've met the right girl, that'll be the last thing on your mind ;)

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."

Based on our conversations I'm guessing 10. You are content with life and have chosen the life you currently lead. At that point that 10 becomes a 9, then I'm guessing your focus in life will begin to change.

Let's be honest, no matter how content you may think you are in your current status, we all have days that we would love to feel the effects of being in love, having a last call before bed to just say goodnight, or someone to share your hopes and future dreams with. No matter how content...it's human nature to want what we don't/can't have! Contentment isn't a talent or a process...it's like love, it's a choice! Everyday we get out of bed it's our choice to either be content with our status, our business and our lives. We choose to say, "I will be content with Today!" Even if we are not at the status in life that we'd like to be...."there is a time and a season for everything."

Do I think you fall into this bracket of people....totally! Rating your contentment is to hard. Only you would know that (for me, one day I am a 10 and the next a 3!)....what we see on the outside isn't always what is really going on in the deepness of your heart. Only you and God know that stuff.

I'm glad Deyl scolded you for laughing at his question! He's your best friend and knows you well....if he doesn't know the answer to that question..how the heck could any of us! Bravo for asking Deyl.

My thoughts on relationships are never ending (kind of like this post lol ) but marriage is a serious commitment and in the industry you work in.....you rarely see what happens behind the beautiful couple in your shot. But that is the most important part!

Don't settle for what is just okay...look for what is great...because she's doing the same thing!

like everyone else has expressed here, only you and God know that answer. my guess is a 5 though as well. i think you're right in the middle, which a lot of us are. but we were created to have companionship. now that can be as friends, or as a marriage, but when it all comes down to how successful one can be, what is life if you don't have anyone to share it with? this biz makes it even harder as we are constantly sharing in everyone else's "happy lives". but, we don't know the other side though either of course, and what can seem great, might not be. but for the most part, it is. i have no other joy, than getting to share in that! to capture their special moments, is my absolute blessing!!

but since i also photograph babies, kids, etc. i am surrrounded by all sides. ha! i've never been asked so much in my life "so are you married, how many kids do you have?" "how come your still single?", which i'm always like "how did this suddenly become about me, it's about you!" but they are just excited and happy and want that for us as well.

but, i know that whatever the desires of our heart is, God is there to bless us with that, in HIS timing. you are extremely successful, seem to have an amazing, giving heart. so when you are ready, God will bless you with the most amazing... woman to share your life with!

until then, keep having fun.... but does seem like you are searching.... :] :] sooo... do we get to know what "your" answer is after we've all guessed??

I'm going to try to play mindreader here and say 9 - I think you are very independent and feel like there are still lots of things you want to do in life before you get "tied down". You feel a sense of accomplishment when you do things on your own. I think marriage is something that you take very seriously, and when you do take the plunge, you will put your heart and soul in it, which may be why you haven't done it already - you have so many other things you want to do that you don't want to get married until you feel like you can devote yourself to it entirely. I think you take it so seriously in fact that there also may be a little bit of you that is afraid of screwing up - you'd rather stay single than pick the wrong Mrs. Jay.

The reason I said 9 instead of 10 is because despite all of the above, I think there is a piece of you that wishes you had someone to share all of that with. It probably comes out the most when you are around husband/wife photog teams, and you think how nice it must be to have someone who values what you do, and who can be a partner in your business as well as a cheerleader. Maybe it's when you go to an exotic location and think how nice it would be to have someone there to ooh and aah over things with you. I think that every now and then, you might feel proud of yourself about how much you've accomplished, but at the same time, a little bit empty that you are enjoying it alone.

A year ago, I would have said that I didn't know any man more dissatisfied with singleness than "that guy who got Pastor into blogging". But I've watched as the tone of your posts have changed. Now they seem to reflect a releasing of your life and times into God's hands.

I'm certain that there are times when you have twinges of "Where's my lady?!?!", especially since you just bought a house, but I think you've learned to enjoy every mile of your journey.

I always wondered why you were single. Your good looking (Im not proposing, Deyl would be mad),you have a super big heart, and you attract animals...lol Seriously...what more could a woman want?

I would guess that your more lonely, than content...but only when you think about it (just like what the other commenter said). I would also venture to say that you are probably sooooo busy, you couldnt have time for a relationship.

BUT...you ARE reducing your time editing weddings, so theoretically you would then have time.

I say 7. I've only met you a few time DJ, but from what I gathered, I say 7. My reasons....you truly haven't lived life until you have loved and are in love...and you are someone who loves to live life to its fullest. So since you've done SOOO much already single...I say your thoughts are heading down that path.

I've loved reading all your responses and it's funny the range in responses. One of you was dead on. :) I'll tell exactly how I answered on Sunday.

I shot the rehearsal for an incredible couple tonight. I got teary eyed and that rarely happens at rehearsals but this couple is just amazing and so is their whole family. They started Young Life in Russia and are so incredibly genuine and just full of Love for everyone. It's a blessing getting to know them.

Hi DJ - I am also a photographer, one who is transitioning from a successful editorial and advertising career to a family and wedding biz in a new city. I am single too. One of the things I have learned / experienced over the last 15 years as a photographer is how hard it is to find the right person. We are artistic folks and with that comes, well, some issues. It is hard to be a successful photog without being a bit selfish and self absorbed. Photography, for me anyway, is not just my job, it is who I am and my way of life. It is hard to not let your self worth and your self esteem not get wrapped up in how your biz is doing or how you are shooting. and when you need to shoot, well you need to shoot. days off are spent doing personal work. and there is always that extra bag when traveling. I've met some partners who are understanding, but things didn't work out for other reasons. It seems that this is one of the questions that is always asked on panels and Q&A's, the one about balance work and family, or dating in this case.

but to answer your questions - I'd bet you are about a 8 on the happiness scale. I'm basing it on just what I've read in your blogs since we have not met. but, since you have a great biz, a great new house, the rest will fall into place when the time is right.

I have not met you personally, but you seem content... and so busy. I'd say you have lots of time to enjoy being single with how busy you are.I say that you said a ... 10.

One of my best friends, Sarah, starting dating one of my other best friends recently. I think they're incredible together because they were both these people who seemed totally content being single, and they just waited on God, and as always, His timing was perfect. It'll happen for you if God knows it is one of the desires of your heart...I get tearry-eyed at weddings that I'm shooting pretty often. I'm a sap like that though:)

Well, I have to say that I get asked those same questions ALL THE TIME! However, none of it really got to me until this year. I think it was because I had always thought that I would be married by now. It actually came as a shock to me when I realized I was way behind in my own plans!In any case, I also realized that I didn't have time for a relationship until maybe MAYBE right now. And I know that the Lord doesn't give us those things that we aren't ready for until it is in HIS timing. I have to agree with that other guy-Jeremiah 29:11 really puts it in perfect perspective:)

Usually actions follow beliefs and values. You usually do what you value most. Once you value a committed relationship, you'll find a way to set your schedule accordingly.

For those who are single, you may find your friends around you getting married. You may also find that after a few years they are separated or considering separation.

A committed relationship is a mixture of being friends with the person, a lover, a husband, a wife, a parent, and rarely do you get an equal dose of those roles on a consistent basis, day after day. Once the chemical cocktail of passion has depleted its reserves, something else much stronger must bond two people together.

I've been married for 32 years (to the same person), so I know a little bit about it...:)

I get the feeling that you are content in your life. You seem so full of joy, that I would guess that you would say 10. I get the feeling that God gives your heart what it needs :)P.S--but if you are wanting a woman, I know plenty that would be siked to hang out with you.:)

I will say your answer was 10, you seem pretty content with your life, you can be in love with so many things, and love so many people that sometimes you dont really need that "special someone" But when you do find that person you wont think it twice you will just doit because it will feel so rigth.

Reading what you wrote I would have to say a 7 but it probably fluctuates... because I bet you're content in your life but you know you eventually want to get married. Me, being a wedding photographer also and being on the go I wonder when the man God has for me will arrive, like you said it takes commitment, and it varies, I love my life now, capturing others lives of love and happiness but when I realize I am 24 and still single sometimes yeah it hits me and I want to get married so bad and then it passes because I know it's not qite time. If you were like me I bet you would also wonder how having this speacial person in your life will change your life. I wonder that. I also wonder if I get married who will photograph my wedding?!?! But I just might know a few amazing photographers I could trust to pull it off. Personally I think you're a 7 but you fluctuate and I wonder really how can such an amazingly talented and quite handsome man like you still be single, but I figure it's just not God's time yet :)

Well, I am going to have to say about a 7....I believe that you are quite content with your current status, but by the headline of the post, you are obviously thinking about things. I can't wait to hear what you said!!!! ;)Shannon

So first thank you for all your responses, advice, emails, solicitations, offerings - lol. You all are wonderful.

Whenever I'm asked a question like this I have trouble answering it directly as it was asked. I dunno...I think it's tough to rate my contentment purely on the relational side of my life because a relationship is something that melts itself into my whole life and so I had to ask a few questions before answering.

I first asked if she thought I was seeking "contentment" because in my mind the word "content" reminds me of one time when I was getting of an airplane and the flight attendant said, "have a pleasant day" and I thought to myself "that would be lame." - I want an adventerous day! ...and similarly I don't really want to be content - I want to be stoked!

So as you can see - I'm difficult. :)

So then I asked if the 1 - 10 scale was a similar scale for my life because if so this scale sucks and I would need it to at least go to 15.

After all this I said I am totally "content" being single so I would give myself a 10 - BUT - I want more out of life than contentment and so I'm giving myself a 10 on a scale to 15.

So then bringing it back down on a 1-10 scale I said I didn't think it was possible to get much beyond a 7 being single...because life is so much richer when shared with someone.

I'm really excited about experiencing life with someone but I'm also not in any rush and I understand that my life isn't all the conducive to a relationship but then again my life is a lot of fun and exciting and so instead of changing my life to make it easier on a relationship I really want to find a girl who wants more than a "pleasant" life.

I share several of your sentiments, DJ. I find the question of contentment, whatever the area of life (relationships, career, etc.), difficult to answer. While I want to be “content whatever the circumstances,” I also find myself pushing for more. I am blessed with incredible relationships – but there is a constant re-discovery that needs to take place in those relationships to keep them dynamic and to help those people become the best version of themselves. Like Krista just said – it is about joy. I think of a Henri Nouwen book where he talks about choosing joy. It’s powerful.

One of my favorite exchanges with someone on this subject was when I was asked something to the effect of why I am still single, to which I replied, “I don’t know, but I’m not worried about it.” Ah, and as friends do, I got the great response: “I know, and that’s what worries me.” :)

You have given the world so much, DJ. Continue to be true to who are you, and thanks for letting us all see you for just that. I pray he gives you the desires of your heart.

I agree with what was said: "Not everyone should be married. The Bible never insists that everyone be married." I DISagree with the statement that "it's what we were created for." I'd say that we are created to be in a relationship with God...and marriage is just one of the gifts of life. And by the way, marriage is A LOT OF WORK and you to make it work, you gotta be willing to dedicate yourself to it HARD CORE. So, If its meant to be...then it'll be.

haha...i'm going to say about a 7 on the content side because you're so busy and occupied that you don't think about it...but when you realize you don't have a good Christian girl (who LOVES CS Lewis too) that can speak 3 different languages and help you navigate your way around lots of different cool countries, that rating goes plumeting to about a 2. a;-)

Sorry I couldn't help myself...along with 58 other people, most of which only commented on this because they want to be counted in the running when you bring back "Singled Out" one last time for DJ!!

But never forget that you do have love, you have God, who is love and is the perfect love. AND He loves you and has plans for you (Jeremiah 29 I believe) and something (cough~God~cough) tells me that although Biblically it states that some people are not intended for marriage, you are someone who is, but God is still preparing her for you and you for her, and that's a pretty cool thing to think about.

When I think about C.S. Lewis and Love...I think about this quote from him:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."-- C. S. Lewis

I promise that I'm not implying you feel this way...I just think this is a powerful quote and wanted to share it with you (and anyone else who happens upon it)!! :)