THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER today looked on in horror while the political career of Malcolm Turnbull slowly jumped off the rails this afternoon as his same-sex marriage plebiscite was shot down by the Opposition.

“I mean, just look at the cunt, but. He’s aged about five years and he’s got pretty much everybody in Canberra leading him around by the dick. I feel bad for the bloke,” said Abbott.

“Only the sinners and lefties hated me, I can live with. But Turnbull’s loathed by half his own party and basically every other person here. The ones that do like the poor bastard are disappointed in him.”

“Dunno how he does it.” he said.

This afternoon, Labor all but sunk the Coalition’s same-sex marriage plebiscite, shadow Attorney-General Mark Dreyfus cited that it’s “just not a policy we can get the boys around, you know.”

That leaves the prime minister in an awkward position, where he needs to eat some humble pie, or have Corey Bernardi’s legs broken.

ASIO confirmed last week that they received a directive from the PM’s office, asking if they were allowed to have people shot, or if that was just an urban legend John Howard made up to impress Helen Clarke.

As the news filtered through the lower house this afternoon, Tony Abbott’s media advisor interrupted his 3pm Sharpie marker sniffing session with George Christensen to deliver him the news.

Christensen was seated cross-legged on the floor, chroming his favourite Schwarzkopf hairspray.

Upon learning of the news, he deeply inhaled from the bag and collapsed backwards onto the carpet, speaking in tongues while his eyes rolled wildly around in his head.

“He does this when he’s happy,” said Abbott.

“If he starts choking on his tongue, can you help me roll him on his side?”