I AM DEPRESSED

Is my life a full-on masterpiece, a grand experiment of the most epic beautiful proportions?

No, no it’s not. And no I am not a joyful guy at the moment.

I hate how I feel right now, my lack of energy and positive outlook are enough to make me not want to get up in the morning.

I have struggled the past few days to make it out of bed. Yesterday, I actually decided maybe I just need some rest and slept in and did not go to the gym. I was hopeful that a day full of rest might help my woeful mental state but it did not.

Instead, I woke up again this morning at 5am with the same sense of dread and fatigue that I have the other mornings.

I made it to the gym, I ran multiple miles and I sweated profusely doing other forms of physical exercise. I stretched and breathed, I listened to motivational speakers. I meditated on being of service and living a joyful existence.

When I came out of the meditation the full-on exhaustion was still present. In fact many times during my work out I felt like I was going to pass out. I felt the sheer weight of existence mounting in my mind and body.

It felt like every muscle fiber was sick and needed to lie down that feeling you have while yawning or stretching first thing in the morning.

It has all been a strange sensation for me. It is not an unfamiliar one, of course, I know depression well. I lived with it all my life, however the majority of the time I was also in active addiction and relying heavily on Alcohol to cure any feeling I had, good or bad.

Now I always ask myself what is the point of writing this? Why do I need to get it out of me and into a written form?

Well, the past couple of days I have not written anything. I have felt too drained to even make the effort, and all though I did the other things that I have committed to in my life writing for my blog got pushed aside.

I had nothing to give I had a head full of rocks and a day full of work. So, I focused every ounce of energy on the commitments I made to other people and decided that they are more important at the moment.

I made the choice to show up when I said I would be of service and so I did. Monday, I went and told my story at a Meeting and I wanted to run away, I wanted to crawl into a hole.

But I did it what I said I would do and spoke, and it was whatever. It was not the most exciting or amazing story ever told. I was not on fire with passion or life I was simply there doing my service.

And that’s all, I felt worse when I was done actually. The next day my sponsor decided to give me an ultimatum about making a financial decision or finding a new sponsor. So I am now looking for a new sponsor.

I say that to say this. I can be working my ass off in the name of recovery. In the name of spiritual growth, well being and living a joyful existence, but sometimes no matter how much work you do for others or how hard you try, life just happens.

Here is what I am saying in all this. I feel exhausted, depressed, worthless and like I can not keep going.

And guess what, I am ok with that feeling. I am not running from it. I am not hiding from life because of it. I am not giving up on myself or anyone else because I do not feel good.

I am showing up and doing what I need to do regardless of my feelings. Because I know they will change, they always change. Everything always changes. I am in a perpetual cycle of change.

I would be stupid to believe that I can somehow have joy without sadness.

There is only something because we can perceive Nothingness. There is only Nothingness because we are aware of what something is.

I must trust in the inhale and exhale of life.

Life is in Essence what breathing is. We breathe air in and feel good to have the oxygen in our lungs, but if I hold it in too long It starts to hurt and can actually kill me. I must release the breath. But, I can not stop there because if I sit too long without oxygen in my lungs I will die. I must remember to breathe back in the oxygen.

I am in a perpetual cycle of receiving and giving, of letting in and letting go. It is in everything I do. It is in the most essential things I do. I must be willing and able to let the air go so that I can live to take another breath.

If you are struggling and feeling like I am, I want you to take a moment and breathe. I know it does not feel like it at this moment but I promise you it will get better. It has been better before. Know that we are simply breathing, keep breathing and let the new air into your life.

You are more than this feeling, you are more than depression, you are full of an eternal life-giving spirit that will never leave you because you are the spirit, YOU ARE THE BREATH OF LIFE.

BREATHE.

Accept where you are, how you feel and keep moving, it will change. It always has.

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Published by Matthew Whiteside

I am a writer, a storyteller, a yarn-spinning freakazoid. My life is full of two things today, lessons and blessings. I write fiction mostly but I also love to write about my life and the things I go through on a daily basis. Writing it out inspires and motivates me and that's why I do it. Plus if it does that for me maybe it will for someone else too.
View all posts by Matthew Whiteside

13 thoughts on “I AM DEPRESSED”

I gathered you had been feeling this way and I have been praying for you Matt. I pray you will allow Gods spirit to give you comfort and use the gift that He has given you to be a good steward of the word.

Thank you for your prayers Matt, that has been my prayer throughout this feeling to give me eyes to see how I can be of service through it. I know God is in everything and trust God is in this with me simply asking me to seek him further.

Such a powerful message, Matt. Thank you for sharing this. Depression, self-doubt, the great liars. Don’t listen to them. YOU make the world a better place! My life is better just knowing you. You have inspired me and moved me to make changes in my life. You rock!! Don’t let those demons of depression and self-doubt tell you any different!

I’m sorry you feel that way Matt! It’s amazing that you still can inspire and spread light despite this awful feeling which is great and powerful! You said you didn’t write anything for days and after this feeling, you come out with a great inspiring post so it is Deep Rest and not a depression! Wasn’t feeling better but I always fight this feeling as much as I can because as I said we’re much more than that!

Being still with yourself is just as important as moving forward. Sometimes, to highly progress-motivated people, stillness and rest feel like failure. But no one can keep going going going all the time. Maybe this depression is your body and mind’s way of forcing you to take a break? Whatever it is, I hope the feeling passes soon. It sounds like you are in the right mindset to get through. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to! I am not on wordpress as often as I’d like to be these days, but you can always send me a message. Take care of yourself before you try to take care of other people, Matt. Put on your own oxygen mask first!

Well said. Being faithful and showing up is worth a great deal, regardless of how you feel. Relying upon those building blocks for the foundation of your life will pay dividends in the long run. Keep up the good work. One thing for sure, feelings change, that is an immutable law of life.