I am a 38 year old male. My life hasn’t gone the way I would have expected it to go by my age. For a number of years I have been trying to heal and understand what’s been ‘my problem’. I have had therapy for years and tried many different things like years of meditation (which has helped) among other things. But there is still something I can’t seem to shake.

I have recently been learning about BPD and resonate more with the ‘Quiet’ side of the condition.

Since I was young I was very quiet and just didn’t feel able to interact with others. So I would often isolate myself. I would find people overwhelming. It was even worse if I saw a girl I was attracted to, I would basically freeze. This still impacts me to this day. The more I think about it, the more I see how I may have different personalities and how I change myself to fit the environment. I am a loner, I dont have any friends or a romantic partner. People I work with think I am confident and out-going and I believed that’s who I was but until recently I have been questioning this.

I developed a confident persona in my mid-20’s to compensate for something. This served a purpose and helped me to interact with others better. But now looking back, I think it was just a mask and infact I have never known the real me. I also dress like a young man in his 20’s and think like a young man of this age. People are often surprised when they find out my age because I don’t act it. Does it seem like I don’t really know who I am?

The worst condition I suffer with is intrusive negative thinking. My mind always goes towards things I don’t want, sometimes my thoughts can be quiet horrific. They have such a pull to them. I am dumbfounded as to why I would think about terrible things happening to me? I have had this thought pattern since I was in my teens maybe earlier.

I am glad to say I have made so much progress, just to get to this point. I feel I am recovering gradually but also understand this is a difficult condition to fully recover from and living a rich full life will be more challenging for someone with this condition.

I also believe I have some elements of CPTSD, from a less than adequate childhood. I wondered if quiet bpd maybe something I should consider also? Thanks

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