The creative doodle space from some guy with a heck of a lot of free time.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Complete Work of Fiction Not Based on Reality in Any Way Whatsoever

Welcome to Consultant! The exciting text-based interactive adventure where you are a consultant at a large corporation!

You are in YOUR CUBE.

You are basking in the warm glow of the Kick Off Meeting where everyone went around and introduced themselves and their teams. You are pumped and excited and ready for work!

You have 10 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.> Send EMAIL to BUSINESS CONTACT

You type out an email explaining who you are and what INFORMATION you need to create your TPS REPORT. You hit SEND and the email goes to the BUSINESS CONTACT.

You hear the faint sound of crickets as you wait for a response.

You have 9 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Go to BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE

You are in BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE.

The BUSINESS CONTACT is a gruff, busy person. “Why are you here? I don’t have time for you!” snaps the BUSINESS CONTACT. The BUSINESS CONTACT begins a long rant about how this company is going down the toilet, how they keep hiring unnecessary consultants, and how the BUSINESS CONTACT could probably do your job better than you.

You have 8 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.> Ask for INFORMATION

“I don’t have time to give you INFORMATION!”

You have 7 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Explain your VALUE

You begin to talk about what you bring to the table, your years of knowledge and experience, and how the BUSINESS CONTACT can use you to make the workplace a better place.

The BUSINESS CONTACT cuts you off. “If you want to really help me, you will get me some COFFEE.”

You now have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 6 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Suppress URGE

You take a deep breath and clench your teeth in a forced smile as you imagine horrible things involving grub worms and man-eating Gila monsters happening to the BUSINESS CONTACT.

The URGE TO THROTTLE fades…

You have 5 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Go to BREAK AREA

You are in BREAK AREA.

The break area is a nondescript area with COFFEE and DONUTS. There is a SMARMY DEVELOPER here, scribbling notes on a notepad.

You have 4 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Greet SMARMY DEVELOPER

You offer a hand in friendship to the SMARMY DEVELOPER. The SMARMY DEVELOPER doesn’t take your hand but instead eyes you up and down for a second, barely registering your presence. The SMARMY DEVELOPER begins to scribble on the notepad again.

You have 3 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Explain your VALUE

You begin to talk about what you bring to the table, your years of knowledge and experience, and how the SMARMY DEVELOPER can use you to make the workplace a better place.

The SMARMY DEVELOPER doesn’t even look up from the notepad. “I could do anything you can do, and I could probably do it better. You probably don’t even know JAVA.”

You explain that to make yourself more effective in the workplace, you took it on yourself to learn JAVA. You have even made a JAVA slideshow application for your grandmother so she can look at photos of all her family mixed in with photos of flowers, sunsets, and kittens. After impressing her with your extensive knowledge of JAVA, you are now her favorite grandchild.

The SMARMY DEVELOPER doesn’t even look up from the notepad. “I could do anything you can do, and I could probably do it better. You probably don’t even know C++.”

You have 1 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Flatter the SMARMY DEVELOPER

You explain to the SMARMY DEVELOPER how you are new here and someone told you that the SMARMY DEVELOPER was by far the smartest, most insightful, and hardest working person in the organization. You go on to explain that you were told the SMARMY DEVELOPER is the only person in the entire company who could possibly help you in your predicament. The SMARMY DEVELOPER is the hero of the company and everyone knows it.

While you wax poetic about the SMARMY DEVELOPER, the SMARMY DEVELOPER sets down the notepad and nods in agreement with you. The SMARMY DEVELOPER looks pleased. “How may I help you?”

Your TPS REPORT is due!

> Ask SMARMY DEVELOPER for INFORMATION

“Oh, yes. The information for the TPS report. I am very familiar with that. It resides in the most obvious place. Directory M backslash qmv backslash cp001468 backslash Ricky backslash To do 020892 backslash Halloween pictures backslash TPS backslash INFORMATION. Frankly, I am surprised you did not find it on your own; it practically advertises itself.”

You begin to thank the SMARMY DEVELOPER and get interrupted. “You might not have security PERMISSION to access that server, though. You should probably talk to SURLY PROGRAMMER before you try to get the INFORMATION.”

You have 10 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Get COFFEE

You grab two coffees, one for yourself and one for the BUSINESS CONTACT.

You have 9 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.> Go to BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE

On the way to the cube, your SUPERVISOR stops you in the hall.

“Have you delivered the TPS REPORT already?”

You have 8 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

>Sing and dance for SUPERVISOR

In a remarkable feat of dexterity, especially considering you are holding two coffees, you begin to barrage the SUPERVISOR with industry buzzwords. “We’re on track synergizing our processes with a going forward attitude. It is practically money in the bank, holding our client’s hand and ensuring maximum profitability in a downturn market. It is win-win all the way. A-OK. ASAP. BYOB. RSVP.”

Your SUPERVISOR smiles and nods in approval, not realizing that you have avoided answering the question.

“Carry on.”

You have 7 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE

You are in BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE.

The BUSINESS CONTACT snatches the COFFEE from you and makes a joke about always wanting to have an Administrative Assistant. The BUSINESS CONTACT starts to make more jokes about having you wash cars and handle dry cleaning while you are fetching COFFEE.

You now have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 6 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to SURLY PROGRAMMER CUBE

You are in SURLY PROGRAMMER CUBE

The smell of stale potato chips permeates the air. The SURLY PROGRAMMER hunches over a keyboard, typing away, only acknowledging your presence with a small grunt.

“You need to complete all of those FORMS and get APPROVAL from a DIRECTOR. When the FORMS are returned to me, you will get permission in six to eight weeks.”

You have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 4 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Threaten SURLY PROGRAMMER

You huff and puff and invoke the name of the BUSINESS OWNER and the DIRECTOR as you explain how your assignment is mission critical and if SURLY PROGRAMMER wants to put a SURLY CAREER on the line by stopping you for doing what you do best, then go right ahead. You will make sure everyone in the company knows SURLY PROGRAMMER is fully responsible for everything falling apart. After you are finished there will be a long line of people in SURLY PROGRAMMER CUBE asking for PERMISSION.

The SURLY PROGRAMMER pouts slightly, but with two deft keystrokes gives you PERMISSION.

As a show of gratitude, you promise the SURLY PROGRAMMER a DONUT.

The URGE TO THROTTLE fades…

You have 3 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to YOUR CUBE

You are in YOUR CUBE.

Before you is your computer. You click a few keys and realize you have PERMISSION to INFORMATION.

You have 2 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Create TPS REPORT

You mind relaxes in a moment of sweet bliss as you crunch numbers, create graphs, and ensure that all the document formatting is correct. You quickly Save and Print the document.

You have a TPS REPORT.

You have 1 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

>Go to MEETING

You are in MEETING

The BUSINESS OWNERS and EXECUTIVES and SUPERVISORS and STAKEHOLDERS are in the meeting. Your BUSINESS CONTACT is about to present the findings from the TPS REPORT.

“Where is that TPS Report?”

>Hand TPS REPORT to BUSINESS CONTACT

You offer the TPS REPORT to the BUSINESS CONTACT. The BUSINESS CONTACT takes it and makes a joke about how good help is hard to find. Everyone laughs.

You now have an URGE TO THROTTLE.> Suppress URGE

Congratulations! You have successfully survived 23 turns as a consultant! Your score ranks you as – TEAM LEAD. Try playing again for a higher level!