The little people are mounting their steeds, which means the most exciting two minutes in sports (setting aside the final two minutes in almost all other highly contested sporting events) can't be far behind. Oh wait, they're playing "My Old(e?) Kentucky Home. This could take a while. Hey, an ex-boybander and country singer with a bunch of T's in his name! All the stars are out for this one folks. In case you were wondering I have my meager dollars on Z Fortune and Z ...uh...the other Z one. Call me a compulsive analyst, but my research tells me we're due for a reverse alphabetical finish. Continue after the jump for updates on all the excitement as the horses inch towards the starting gate.

-So far so good for Big Brown, but the odds on the big fella breaking a hoof in the next ten minutes are razor thin.

-They're heading into the starting gate, and so far none of the horses have flipped out and bit a jockey.

-Well Nibbles decided to nap through the race, but I assured him it was quite exciting. Big Brown is your winner and it isn't close.

-The jockey's son just got a face-full of ample bosom.

-HORSE DOWN!

-Incredibly sad news, the filly Eight Belles fought hard but went down with two broken front ankles. She was put down immediately.

-If you must joke, at least keep it tasteful. That means no jokes about Yum Brands and horse meat! You people are ruining journalism you know.