Ask Bish – I Am Unable To Orgasm When I Masturbate

Having an orgasm is something we can learn – like juggling

I have problem that I would like help with, I am unable to orgasm when I masturbate and I am concerned about my sexual function. Is there something I can do to make myself orgasm or someone I can see about this problem? I asked my doctor and she told me to try watching pornography when I masturbate and try to take my time but it didnt work. Please help I am a virgin 17 years old, my penis size is 12 cm long and 11.8 round, and all the doctors I have asked can’t really help me. I am from Australia and would apprciate some help. Would losing my virginity help? Thanks

Hi, thanks for your really interesting question.

I mainly want to tell you not to worry about this issue – not because it’s nothing to worry about but because worrying won’t help you, in fact I think worrying will make it worse. Let me explain.

Having an orgasm is something that we learn. Some people pick it up straight away and don’t even realise that they’ve learnt how, others find that it takes them a bit longer. There’s a bit of a knack to it, like juggling and like juggling it can be quite tricky.

You need some basic knowledge (one ball has to be in the air at all times – I’m talking about juggling here),

You need to observe what’s happening (what’s happening with your balls and hands – still juggling),

And you need to get in the zone (where your hands and balls are in a perfect rhythm throwing and catching seemingly effortlessly – analogy is nearly over).

To do this you need to practise loads and loads and loads and loads. I practised in my bedroom for hours and hours with three pairs of rolled up socks (yes, still juggling).

So to orgasm you need some basic knowledge. Most people learn how to orgasm through solo masturbation. Being in a private space, where you know you aren’t going to be disturbed for an hour (or longer), where you can take your clothes off, lie down, relax and get in the mood.

{Before I go any further let me just talk about being in the mood. Are you getting in the mood before you try to have an orgasm? Do you feel turned on and aroused at all? If you do get turned on a lot and are just frustrated that you can’t orgasm then carry on. However have you thought about how sexual you are at the moment? You may be someone who just isn’t in to sex (either right now or generally). Are you trying to have an orgasm just because you think you should? There are a lot of expectations placed on people – especially young men – that you should be enjoying sex and that you should be having orgasms. Not everyone is in to sex and orgasms. Take some time out, take a step back. Is this what you want right now?}

So back to wanking. You mention that you have tried masturbating but are you only trying one particular kind of technique? Try visiting my page on masturbation techniques, because different people need different kinds of touch. Sometimes you might need light stroking, other times a firmer grip, sometimes you might want to try lube on the bell end, other times you might want to focus on the shaft of the penis or your balls (not juggling any more). Also do you know how your genitals work?

Also think about where else in your body feels good to touch. You might like to touch yourself away from your genitals for a change. You are able to feel pleasure from many different parts of your body – chest, nipples, legs, arms, neck, face. Take some time and explore what you do like.

This is where we start to get into observation. What’s going on in your self? I’ve been reading a lot about mindfulness, have you heard about this? It’s complicated to explain so perhaps it’s best to try and experience it for yourself. Take in a series of deep breaths. Take in as much air as feels comfortable and slowly breathe it all the way out. With each breath observe (in your head) a different part of your body – what happens with your stomach and your ribs, how cold are your feet, is there a little itch somewhere, where is warm, where is relaxed, where is tingling, where is throbbing? Doing breathing exercises like this can make us feel more ‘now’, more relaxed and (ultimately) more horny.

So at this stage you might start aroused – observe what’s happening to you when masturbating. Also what stories are going on in your head? What do you start to think about? Do you allow yourself to fantasise about sex? If you are comfortable with your fantasies, go with them. Allow them to unravel in your head and follow them if they take you to sexy places. Your fantasies may involve you, or you may be watching them from the side.

You may need a bit of help to get started – your doctor recommended porn but not everyone likes porn or the same porn. I’m not going to recommend you watch porn because you’re 17, but there might be images or stories that you find sexy. You could find an image in a magazine or a graphic novel that is a turn on, or a TV programme or a film. Even something like a clothes catalogue (with models in their underwear pointing at a windmill or something).

Some people use their own sexual experiences when they are fantasising about sex (commonly referred to as their ‘wank bank’). You haven’t had sex with anyone yet but there may be something which has happened to you that you find sexy to think about. Someone in real life you could imagine doing sexy things with. I really don’t think actually having a sexual experience with someone will help you because you may not actually enjoy it and so it may be counter-productive. I think it’s easier to learn how to enjoy sex by yourself first.

Ok so now concentration. You might find thoughts popping into your head whilst you’re doing all of this saying things like “ugh that’s weird” or “like that’s gonna happen” or “you’re never going to cum.” You may have got into a vicious circle where you are so anxious about orgasms that this anxiety is preventing you from orgasming. Sadly it’s very difficult to switch these thoughts off. Don’t fight them but just say ‘hi’ or ‘whatevz’ to them and watch them drift off. Keep breathing. Keep observing your body and what feels good and keep allowing sexual stories in your head to flow.

If you keep at it (though stop if you get sore, or have to get up for school or something) you will eventually be able to get in the zone. When you’re in the zone (remember the juggling) it feels like it’s all happening by itself – rather than forcing yourself to try and orgasm you are in a very pleasurable, relaxed and very centred state of mind. Like, you know, transcendtal (far out man, etc). If you get in and then out of the zone, don’t panic, keep breathing, keep observing and eventually you may drift back into it.

You aren’t going to get this first time so you really need to practise. It may take you ages to learn how to orgasm. You might feel like you get close, you may feel like you have a little orgasm, or a series of orgasms. You may start to understand the difference between orgasm and ejaculation (many guys spend years practising masturbating to feel this for themselves). Try to get into the mindset of ‘that was really enjoyable’ rather than ‘I did/didn’t come.’ See an orgasm not as a goal, but a side effect of having really enjoyable solo sex.

Remember also to enjoy it! Don’t give yourself any expectations about what you should or shouldn’t be able to do. Think of it as an exciting adventure of self-discovery.