Presenting: The Best Food to Stick Your Penis Into

If you’ve seen Call Me By Your Name, you’ll recall the film’s infamous peach scene, wherein its main character, Elio, a confused and curious young man, inquisitively slides his dick inside a succulent peach while fantasizing about his father’s brilliant doctoral intern, Oliver. Theoretically, porking a peach would feel near-heavenly. Unfortunately, the fruit envelopes a coarse pit and oceans of juice, which makes for a potentially painful and sticky experience, one that warrants immediate scrubbing.

Truth of the matter is, there are better foods to stick your dick into. So, as a recently single man and curious food-fucker, I sought to find which fare is best suited for solo intercourse, and spoke with two differing yet qualified professionals: Katy Zvolerin, sexologist and director of public relations at Adam & Eve and Valerie August, international escort and professional dominatrix. Together, these women and myself have carefully selected the finest foods to fuck. Get a start on that grocery list.

Banana Peel: Bananas are phallic-shaped. Therefore, the banana peel can fit your penis like a masturbation sleeve, offering a delightfully fleshy interior. To make one is simple: Grab a banana, slice an end off and squeeze the fruit out (toss it into a smoothie or something, no need for wastefulness). Then, microwave the peel for no longer than 10 seconds (because you don’t want to burn your dick off), and drip in a little lube. Test the heat with your fingers, and slide your penis in the open end. Benefit: All the mess ends up inside the banana peel, so cleanup is a cinch.

Dough: “When I was growing up, in the South, there was a scandalous rumor about a certain early morning fast-food employee who would masturbate with the biscuit dough,” Zvloerin recalls. “I’m not sure if it was true, but the idea of having sex with a giant pile of warm, rising dough is certainly creative and worth a try.“

Cooked Pasta: As if we needed another reason to adore pasta, Zvloerin suggests men stick their meat inside a big bowl of pasta, cooked al dente. Warm or cold, and with so many pastas to choose from (spaghetti, rigatoni, fusilli), the options for your next carb load are endless. To make, just cook the pasta to the desired stiffness, pour into a sizeable bowl, cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you’re ready to go.

Watermelon (or, based on seasonality, Pumpkin): While sex with a bowl of grapes, blueberries or canned peaches can be fun, Zvolerin suggests cutting a hole in a pumpkin or watermelon (depending on the season) and going to town. “Make sure the hole is slightly larger than the circumference of the erect penis as edges can be sharp,” she adds, nonchalantly birthing new meaning to the term “jack” o’lantern.

Cantaloupe: “I have, in the past, cut a hole into a grapefruit, melon or a cantaloupe, and forced one of my submissives to fuck it for a little while for my entertainment,” August reminisces. When prepping for a client, she often zaps the fruit in the microwave for a few seconds prior. “I’d advise on getting maximum privacy,” August councils newbies. “Unless extreme humiliation is the point, of course.” To prep one, cut a hole that’s roughly the circumference of your penis and hollow some of the melon out. Because of its light weight and versatility, you can thrust your hips back and forth simulating sex, or pump the melon up and down to simulate a blowjob. For added effect, use a pencil or pen and puncture a hole in the opposite end of the melon and place your finger over it when thrusting to create suction.

Cucumber: Another phallic-shaped food item, cucumbers are commonly used for the other end of your body, if you know what I’m saying (it’s an ill-advised notion, though, so don’t). Because your penis is going inside, you need to find yourself a big, thick cucumber. Once you’ve done that, slice a hole and slide inside. The texture is fantastic, and because cucumbers contain so much water, no lube is needed.

Pineapple rings: Now here’s something you can try with a partner. Pineapple rings already have a hole in the middle, so half the work is already done for you. Next, you or your partner place your penis inside however many rings you wish and thrust back and forth. Once you’ve destroyed what’s left of the pineapple, you’ll have sufficiently glazed your shaft. Then, have your partner lick it off. It’s like flavored lube, but better.