The thoughts and musings of a 26 year old newlywed from Sunny, Southern California. At 17, I was the mother of a Heavenly child named Angel who was stillborn at 22 weeks. Now, newly married, I contemplate about the family I dream of having in the future.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Mother's Day

I hadn't been to the cemetery in a few years. I saw no point in it really. I mean, his soul, it isn't there... so what's the point?

At first, I would go to the cemetery a lot, it became a refuge. It was the place where I would go to let my rage and sorrow out. People didn't understand, how could they, and after a while, they probably begin to wonder, what is wrong with her, why doesn't she just go on with her life? That's what I thought, anyway. So during monthly anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, Tuesdays, I would go to the cemetery and try to make sense of things, try to find a connection with him. The cemetery became a place to relax and feel at peace, and it was so beautiful too, looking out on early spring mornings. Seeing the sun casting shadows within the mist, through the trees. Sometimes we would take lunch, stop by the florist to buy a white rose and some balloons, and of we'd go. It may sound kind of morbid, but in a way, it was enjoyable.

That lasted for a few years, and eventually it stopped when I made up my mind that he wasn't there. Maybe it meant that I finally felt that he would always be with me, in spirit. Maybe it meant that I was deep into the road to healing. I am not sure what exactly it meant, but that is how it went.

Now, I feel that 8 years later, maybe it's numbness, maybe it's healing... maybe it's just the effects of time, but I am at peace with how things went. In many ways I feel he is in a better place. I don't feel the rage anymore... the rage at the fact that I am unable to go back in time to change what happened. On mother's day though, I feel angry. I try and stop myself, this is just a day like any other, but it doesn't work. I can never make the uneasiness go away. This past Mother's day we were supposed to go see one of my favorite bands, but as the day started, I wasn't in the mood. I didn't want to do anything. I felt stagnant. I felt worried because, well I really didn't think the way I felt had anything to do with the fact that it was Mother's Day.

So anyhow, I got dressed and me and C went out for lunch. We went to brunch, and of course, it was filled with families celebrating Mother's Day. I felt out of place. Lunch was ok, and as we were leaving, I turned to C and said, "Can you take me to the cemetery?" I think I was as surprised as he was that I asked him that. We've been together for almost three years, and I haven't ever gone as long as I've known him. The cemetery was only a few minutes away, so on the way there, I tried to prepare myself. Nowadays, I feel like I can't cry or feel anything sometimes, but I was preparing myself to try and not cry. As soon as he drove in through the gates I felt a flood of tears welling up in my eyes. We walked towards the Mausoleum, and the tears continued. When we got there he asked me if I wanted to be alone. I said no. I wanted him there with me. I felt a fleeting sense of dejavu, a fleeting sense of the darkness that overcame me during the early years, and it was scary. I'm sometimes surprised I made it out alive of that, and I don't ever want to go back to that place. I thought about how life would have been if he was here, how would C feel about having a stepson?

C is my soul mate. I'm not religious, but I feel like he was meant to be in my life. Would he still be my husband if my son was alive? Would my life had gone in a completely different direction? See that is where my sense of peace comes now. I feel like my life is where it was meant to be at this moment. Everything and everyone means something, and that's why I don't feel rage about wanting to have changed things. No matter how long he was here, Angel will always be my son. He grew inside me, how much more intimate can you get? I didn't get the chance to know his likes, dislikes, dreams, etc but I got to know his soul and he knows mine, I'm sure. A bond like that, is one of the things I think we are put on this earth to attain. Me and Angel will always have that.