The Dungeon Dozen

OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Monday, November 7, 2016

We've added several intriguing stretch goals into the mix, most notably for readers of this blog a special art-free preview edition of The Dungeon Dozen 2, a collection of all the tables published here since the release of the first book (just under 200 tables).

10. Beetle ghosts remain silent and invisible until party draws near then suddenly appear claws raised, screeching out ferociously, take in reactions for a moment, then emit peals of terrible insect laughter

11. Beetle ghosts in lab coats dissect (intangible) human shape on slab, drop bits into jars, seem to be having jolly good time

12. Amid a sudden cacophony of screaming invisible fans, ghost beetle-driven horseless chariots race by, vying for position until one chariot careens into the wall, crashing spectacularly, crowd hushes, but then the driver steps from the wreckage claw upraised in defiance, crowd again goes wild, and scene

Monday, October 10, 2016

We were all set to launch the Kickstarter for Operation Unfathomable today, but, to the consternation of myself and my allies at the Hydra Cooperative, we hit a technical snag that can only be resolved on the KS end. Once we clear this hurdle, its go time. Sorry for this unexpected delay, people. Stay tuned for updates as they become available.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Here's another table excerpted from Operation Unfathomable (game details removed due to the stringent system-free policies of this blog), the adventure book by me.

The Kickstarter to make this book as beautiful and functional as it should be launches tomorrow!

Underworld detritus

The segmented giant and local agencies maintain main thoroughfares, piling up heaps of fallen stone, mineral accretions, and other garbage along the sides of corridors (as indicated on the map). In a pinch, Underworld travelers sometimes bury themselves in this loose debris to avoid unwanted encounters. If adventurers risk a turn searching, they stand a 2 in 6 chance of finding something.

We Search the Heap of Detritus

d12

1. Giant-size engagement ring with polychrome gem, dropped recently by Uurx the Impervious, who will promptly repossess it if given half a chance

10. Keys to safety deposit box at the Slugman bank in Black Ooze River Town11. Crumpled map of the Beetletown apartment complex on some kind of flexible plastic material, hand-scrawled, an ancient relic of the Beetle Age12. Rival party of adventurers hiding from you

Saturday, October 8, 2016

That’s okay! It was probably hilarious and maybe it wasn’t even your fault. It’s really dangerous around here. Fortunately, you took the time to prepare a spare.

But the rest of the party is still deep within the Underworld.

How Does My New PC Show Up?

d12

1. Swallowed by a colossal trans-planar worm back at home, proved to be indigestible, deposited in the Underworld, smells terrible

2. Formerly held under mind control by Chaos godling, now broken free and slowly recovering original personality (but must save or fall back under godling's influence, if encountered)

3. Employee of sorcerer from Ft. Enterprise exploring a cave for spell components (add two caps of azure fungi to inventory), fell down a fissure and woke up lost in the Underworld

4. Member of rival party who entered the Underworld just hours before, comrades destroyed almost immediately after arrival by cloud of poisonous gas, you: safely off relieving self in alcove

5. Sudden storm while staggering home from the tavern again, knocked on head by wind-swept debris, picked up by eldritch tornado and dropped into the Underworld following a spectacular and uselessly prophetic dream sequence

6. Doomed fling with vampire ended abruptly at the outset of what was supposed to a romantic holiday in the Underworld, now free of spell and disgusted with self

7. Got really drunk fell asleep in the street, woke up tied in a sack on the back of a lizard-driven cart trundling down The Devil’s Highway, managed to tumble off, slither behind stalagmite but still hogtied

8. The wizard said he was teleporting me to the Big City, boy did he screw up, plus I picked up a mark of Chaos for my troubles

10. Answered ad for dungeon gig, patron turns out to be serial killer with a thing for adventurers, killed horribly, but instead of ascent to heaven, anomalous reincarnation in the Underworld

11. Confined to bed with fever from lethal plague, witch appears in room at midnight with curative potion, works but also transports you to the Underworld

12. Poisoned by a giant spider while on a picnic, dragged to cave lair for consumption, cave breached from below by spider-eating mutant mole, titans clash blocking exit, only way to safety: down the hole and here you are (equipment limited to picnic gear)

Excepted from Operation Unfathomable, my adventure book coming soon from the Hydra Cooperative. A Kickstarter for this book launches Monday October 10. Watch for more information here.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

d12
1. Entire level once an ancient library haunted by undead entities consumed by a lust for research, 96% of collection devoted to genealogical records of the slugmen
2. Diabolical system of teleportation glyphs sends hapless party from 10' corridor to 10' corridor in continuous loop, 1 in 6 chance per glyph of return to the surface so they can return to headquarters in disgust
3. Since the party's last ill-fated visit dungeon gentrified by lawful monsters, former deathtraps and torture chambers converted into boutique shops and cafes (of evil)
4. The level subject to refurbishment by unionized humanoid work crews, mandatory break times enforced, no fighting allowed, dungeon traffic rerouted to little-used thoroughfares devoid of monsters, treasure
5. Level empty except for scads of semi-precious stones scattered everywhere, requires hours of tedious labor to gather but adds up to a decent sum, process gives PCs a chance to share their backstories in full detail
6. Incredibly long monster queue for compulsory annual audience with the Dungeon Overlord winds throughout entirety of level, monster patience still holds, but it could get less boring in a hurry
7. Dungeon loaded with tiny humanoids devoid of any tactical sense and scarcely a hit point between them, they just keep coming in wave after stupid wave
8. After depopulating the level in an indescribable bloodbath, the succubus just wants to play chess. Really, that's it.
9. Monster ballet choreographed by vampire aesthete with large bribery budget performed in deep level amphitheater, thunderous footfalls, musical accompaniment of evil audible from dungeon entrance, rooms empty
10. In an unprecedented executive order, Dungeon Overlord issued valueless paper currency, all precious metals, gems, etc., impounded in impregnable super-bunker, economic collapse imminent, chests and coffers offer only stacks of poorly printed notes, guards no longer give a shit
11. Supremely powerful, typically hateful eldritch deity is the only occupant of the level, gives chase, moves incredibly slowly, bellows out resounding recap of its own eons-long backstory
12. All levels but the first completely cleared by rival party via advantageous secret entrance, already drunk back at the Ol' Adventurers' Saloon, chomping cigars and telling satirical anecdotes at the PCs expense

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

HYPE ALERT

FOR SALE: actual physical drawings, many of which appear in The Dungeon Dozen tome and various other publications. Wealthy collectors of esoterica and outsider art speculators take note!

This one is already sold!

MY OBJECTIVES1. Shrink the heaps of drawings sitting idly around the home laboratory and spilling over into disputed territories2. Replace said heaps with sacks of cash

HOW YOU CAN HELP1. Follow the link over there on the left to my Etsy store2. Convert your unwanted cash into ORIGINAL WEIRD DUNGEON ART3. Receive art in the mail, you frame, you stash, you foist upon loved ones as unwanted gifts, you do whatever it is one does with drawings. I stack them up in heaps, which is no good to anybody.

Gone too!

ALSOEnjoy a 10% discount when you enter the coupon codeNERDBONUS at checkout.

This is only an experiment, so ACT NOW before I come to my senses and pull the plug on this thing.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

d12
1. Puny humanoids on level one, driven by obsessive trap-mania of master thief-assassin clan boss, built so many deadly traps all the other denizens are dead, many of their own killed daily just getting from here to there
2. Normally fecund medium size humanoids on level two rendered permanently sterile by exposure to gas released capriciously by sorcerer from level four, population facing oblivion with characteristic savagery
3. Giant snakes lay about in messy heaps, victims of newly arrived giant rats w/toxic, mutated body chemistry, garden variety giant rats already wiped out, reeking snake carcasses attracting, subsequently poisoning other dungeon vermin/scavengers
4. Everything that breathes (especially the sorcerer) on level four dead after experimental fireball fusillade spell ate up all the oxygen
5. Once-teeming skeletons on the tomb level, already dead, come unglued due to highly transmissible undead virus attacking their eldritch connective tissues, picked up from visiting cosmopolitan lich, bones lie about in random heaps, some still animate, impotent but for the ability to provoke heebie jeebies,
6. All entrances to level five sealed by custom hold portal spells, monsters make war of frustration upon one another, trolls doing well at the moment, chaos cultists still have ace up their sleeve
7. Level six recently visited by That Other Adventuring Party via teleportation, carnage everywhere, treasure no where, vulgar graffiti viciously lampoons PCs
8. Level seven subject to catastrophic flooding event precipitated by meandering cthonic worm discovering underground lake, black pudding population enjoying the change of pace, everything else floating face down
9. Sudden rise in lava levels in the fire caverns accompanied by release of lethal volcanic gas brought an end to production at the dwarf foundry, their giant iron guardians waist deep in cooling lava, magic swords sticking out of the flow here and there
10. Extra-planar entity, duties to its irresponsible summoner fulfilled, steadily clear-cuts the fungus forest in feeding frenzy, seems insatiable, entire mini-ecosystem in tailspin
11.Dwarf insurgents detonated experimental explosive device on mine level, eldritch fallout results in neutron bomb-like effect, everything dead, treasures intact, as are the vampires in their secret crypt, no one should go in there for like fifty years
12. The dragon had a paranoid melt-down after recent treasure inventory showed significant stock shrinkage, roams about issuing accusations followed almost immediately by fiery breath, claw-claw-bite, only the really stupid monsters left but they're next

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Random replacements for campaign worlds with less than average Tolkien influence but still need something to fill that handy "destroy on sight with impunity" niche.

d12
1. The Encrusted: a fungus whose life cycle favors war-torn nations, battlefields strewn with bodies, releases spore clouds on entire communities, subtle at first, affects minds of potentates with delusions of conquest, shroom-covered commoners become single minded implements of war
2. The Beheaded: re-animated by malice, lust for revenge against execution-happy Lawful dynasties lording it over humanity for epochs, controlled with specific spell set by cabal of wizards who feel strongly they should be in charge of everything
3. Green Bastards: bark-covered, extremely thorny war pawns of the Earth God dedicated to extermination of human nuisance, nurseries hidden in vast, aggressively expanding forest known as The Green Hell
4. Antihumans: products of draconian selective breeding program for war-like traits, eradication of pity, mercy, followed by ruthless training on Skinnerian Isle by brainiac master caste with long-term world domination scheme, contingency plan includes remote activated poison implants in case they get out of control
5. Mesomorphs: demon-brewed clones of Arnold Schwarzenegger train for ten years in the Dungeon of Free Weights before murder genes activated by potion injection, unleashed in bands to become agents of mayhem in the world
6. The Extruded: formed of space age polymers in very rough human shape and given semblance of life in factory of Chaos at the bottom of megadungeon, hard to kill
7. Virus men: one day you catch cold, the next you're a fanatic in army of destruction incapable of seeing the irony in wiping out its own host, otherwise retain full intellectual capabilities
8. Anthropomorphic army wasps: seize humans, sting with soporific venom, lay eggs on living hosts incarcerated in paper dungeon nests, will one day succeed in human domestication but until then it is war
9. Underworlders: dwellers of the world below, like humans covered with black spiny hair, spider-like faces, tunnel up from below for raiding, cherish human-crafted goods, foodstuffs, issue frequent calls for the surrender of humanity, issue tracts detailing scientific proof that humans designed by creator as service caste
10. Menace from Another Sphere: Space helmets conceal Portuguese Man-o-war-like gasbag heads, robes obscure hundreds of black tendrils that paralyze, poison, and sting like hell
11. Crashlanders: descendants of marooned soldiery from space, rayguns ran out of juice generations ago, foment conflict as unconscious biological imperative, w/out guiding hand of evil space emperor lack direction other than make babies, make war
12. Homo Superior: brighter, tougher, just plain better than us = they must be destroyed

Monday, February 15, 2016

Image unrelated to post, but totally a teaser for my upcoming Underworld adventure book OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE to be published this year by the Hydra Cooperative

Emergency elf replacements for that special snowflake campaign schema.

d12
1. Amphibious humanoids with huge, complex frilly gills fanning around absorbing oxygen from air, uncanny marksmen w/water-bladder propelled harpoon guns, more variations on the trident than pole arms in medieval Europe, Namor-like contempt for all things terrestrial
2. Transplanar refugees: originally from kinder, gentler universe destroyed by evil from without, brilliant, beautiful people with perfect hair who prefer to be nude but for utility harness, dedicated to science, learning, sorcery
3. Spawn of the demigods: divine blood diluted down to bare minimum over generations of miscegeny, set apart from mundane humanity by unmistakable hubris, minor league super-human abilities counterbalanced by fatal flaws
4. Noble Sasquatches, cousins to humanity, equally intelligent yet totally lacking in angst, ennui, ambition and evil impulses, relaxed and completely at home on the planet, kind, generous, yet utterly badass when so moved, druid-like spell abilities
5. Gold-eaters: immortal race cursed with gold-based metabolism, grow more potent in battle/the mystic arts as they consume ever greater quantities of wealth, some adventurers kill on sight
6. Homo Superior: tall, slender, extended fore brains w/protruding shark-like third eye, psychic, practitioners of esoteric kung-fu, evolved in hidden enclaves away from feared/pitied standard issue humans
7. Better-than-human androids from the future marooned on primitive campaign world after time travel-induced-cosmic paradox wounded the fabric of the universe, rendering time exclusively one-way henceforth
8. Slender anthropoidal dinosaurs with heads like pachycephalosaurus, geniuses of math-magic, never leave home without slide rule, abacus, and sword
9. Near-immortal androgynous humanoids created by dead god prior to assassination: all identical but of such radiant, staggering beauty humans can be easily charmed into bamboozlement by their presence, good thing they wear heavily armored war-burkas
10. Tall, imposing robed figures with impala heads, flaming eyes, practitioners of obscure magics but more than capable with signature glowing shamshirs, never condescend to actually speak to humans, communicate via nods, looks, posture and/or lengthy written correspondence, pursue their own inscrutable aims that at times run parallel to those of parties of dungeoneers
11. Shadow people: sub-species of humanity cursed to always appear in bad lighting, live in secret among the humans in bunkers beneath secret alleys, palace basements, must master one art form before permitted to pursue martial and eldritch training, compelled by their very DNA commemorate battles/exploits with representative sculpture, origami, painting, epic poem, etc.
12. Earthbound ghosts from pre-human ancestor species that can do magic when incorporeal, make war when materialized, must commit to one form daily

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

d12
1. Instant haste addiction: can't stop thinking about how awesome it was, inclined to beg, borrow, steal, make nuisance of self, just to taste that sweet speedy sensation again
2. Following spell duration, subjected to sudden uncontrollable twitches, tics, and a debilitating stutter for 1d12 turns, -2 to everything, spell casting impossible
3. Mild heart attack: character sweats profusely, feels disturbing chest pressure, able to convince self its only indigestion, back in action after 1d6 turns, save vs. fatal infarction if ever again hasted
4. Mini-stroke: character must lie down for 1d6 turns, certain its just a passing spell, but then believes self to be alright, save vs. lethal brain hemorrhage if ever again hasted
5. Life-threatening nose bleed: slow to clot, supernaturally profuse, must be firmly compressed with hand for 1d6 turns or risk bleeding to death
6. Effects of concussion from speed-jostled brains, future degenerative neurological condition assured
7. Post-haste mental effects similar to coming out of anesthesia, delirium, hysterical laughter, sudden weeping, suggestibility for 1d6 turns of role playing excitement
8. Continues to talk at double speed/pitch for the duration of game session
9. Slow spell effect for a period equal to that of the hasting
10. One full round of supremely violent vomiting instantly upon inception of spell duration
11. If you thought the sweat of fear smelled bad, brace yourself forthat singular haste stank, predatory monsters can smell it a mile off
12. Drop stone dead on your birthday in 1d12 years time

3. Towering bas relief of three-headed dragon stands in human-like pose of utter superiority, heads aimed at spot just before chamber exit between legs but fired off its last blast of lightning ages ago, clever cave giant hides keys in different mouth each day

Saturday, August 1, 2015

1. Actually from the biblical Hell, on mission to Campaign World in Satan's service, seeks expert murderhobos for important jobs in ancient Judea
2. Carries cask of Hell's Libation on collar, St. Bernard-like, able to restore damaged demonic entities to full fighting strength if imbibed, mortals who sample the brew must make a saving throw or burst into flames, those able to stop, drop, and roll in time rendered permanently insane
3. Perpetually smoldering hide, even if cured, but provides superior protection from elements natural and eldritch, stinks a good deal though
4. Lap dog of Hell: very cuddly, affectionate, if current master killed uses preternatural cuteness to establish bond w/nearest available new master, asbestos safety gear required for human handling
5. Retriever: seeks and fetches specific magic items required by dark master, specializes in live capture of sought individuals, noted for minimally damaging soft bite
6. Giant hell-dachshund: bred to rid caves of owlbears, other dungeon megafauna
7. Trans-planar sled team: haul terrible outer entities about from sphere to sphere tirelessly, remain motionless awaiting commands, may only be released from harness by powerful magic, will obey any being to board their sled
8. Spell-sniffing: toxic saliva nullifies memorized spells, treats magic-users as per chew-toys
9. Monster-herder: immune to many forms of monster attack, round up and distribute to chosen locales various dungeon creatures, keeps the hobgoblins out of gnoll territory, etc.
10. Worse than rabies: infected by sorcerer-created virulence that results in mad frenzy of wanton mayhem, much hideous frothing, seeping, transmissible across many species, known to have depopulated several dungeons
11. Thief-seeking: automatically detect thieves in territory, stalks, kills without mercy, piles in heap before master's door
12. Headless: luminous sensillae in chest detects quarry across planes of existence, effortlessly breaches interdimensional veil, emits brain-scrambling ray, opens iris-like to imprison prey in body cavity

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Optional rule for D&Dish RPGs: If when rolling 3d6 for the Charisma stat one rolls any three matching numbers on the dice (1-1-1, 2-2-2, etc.), the player must make a saving throw or their character is a JACKASS and must roll on the table below. Of course, a JACKASS with an exceptional Charisma score represents a monumental threat to both the adventuring party and the campaign world they share, and should only be run by a very responsible and cooperative player. A JACKASS may be of any class or alignment.

Note: Unless my math is faulty (always a strong chance), this provision will produce the chance of a JACKASS only 1 in 36 times, which, as we all know, grossly under-represents the real-world ratio of JACKASS to non-JACKASS.

d12
1. Rigid, seemingly arbitrary, occasionally bizarre personal code of conduct cited, chapter and verse, at every opportunity, especially where party's course of action may be affected
2. Goes on at great length about every ache, pain, lingering symptoms of STDs, quality and frequency of bodily functions, reportage pauses for important party business, resumes at every lull
3. Concocts delightful, gently disrespectful nicknames for everyone, persists well beyond period where this might be mildly amusing, comes up with fresh ones, even more insulting, if ordered to desist
4. Whether in the saloon, general store, magic shop, armor showroom, etc., always the first to offer to pick up the tab but, whoops, seems to have left gold pieces in other pantaloons (once again)
5. Considers self master of elocution, never passes up opportunity to lampoon less graceful speech of others, will immediately, thoughtlessly perform imitation of anyone met with unusual regional accent, foreign language, right to their face, somehow believes this endearing, finds self hilarious
7. Always belching and farting, finds self hilarious
8. Strident belief in equality, everyone equally inferior to self, subject certain no one can detect true feelings
9. Seems perfectly charming at first but before long everyone (except subject) realizes s/he doesn't give the tiniest crap about anyone else
10. All empathy reserved for personal use only, can't help laughing, taking inappropriate pleasure when others fall down, get injured in embarrassing ways, suffer humiliations, etc.
11. Gives appearance of pleasant affability until party secures sizable treasure, instantly transforms to irrational greed-hound incapable of understanding why s/he should't be entitled to choices items, lion's share
12. "Just being honest", never fails to announce newly discovered foibles of those around, tells it like it is with shocking lack of sensitivity, values own ideas highly, those of others, not so much, unless undeniably good, in which case they are swiftly, not-so-subtly appropriated

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The Executioner of Nul, The Mindless One, following
hostile takeover of cult by Kwanju, an ambitious young
Underworld godling on the rise.

d12
1. Witnesses for the Mindless One demonstrate the serenity of mindlessness in their somber processions, pause to perform complimentary Rite of Lobotomization upon request
2. Flagellants of the Worm Sultan roam at random, armed w/weird ritual punitive flogging devices, deliver brutal beatings to any infidels they meet, enchanted hand-held searchlight-like device reveals religious affiliation of any in its crimson beam
3. Devotees of the Slime Lords, caked in layers of semi-translucent goo in various stages of drying, implore strangers to bathe in levitating hot tub filled to brim w/Divine Mucus to receive subcutaneous revelations, permanently softens human skin, only continuous reapplication prevents lethal slough
4. Wandering monks of the Beggar God, looking well-fed, clothed, healthier than one might imagine, demand alms, extremely persistent until offered something of value, no matter how modest, which they deliver ASAP to deity's legendary Sacred Hoard
5. Listless acolytes of the Goddess of Malaise may only take action on single day each week, rest of the time they wallow in lethargic condition of holy indolence
6. Levitating monks of Oblivion on tour of sacred holes, pits, chasms, abysses, emit deafening Mantra of Spontaneous Meditation if opposed, induces involuntary state of total relaxation, possible dangerous self-reflection
7. Worshipers of the Feral God eschew technological progress, set out on monkeywrenching campaigns, destroy all but the simplest tools, machines, destabilize bridges, undermine structures, kill dwarfs on sight
8. Forlorn cultists of the Extinct Beetle Pantheon on gloomy ghost-led tour of ancient ruined sites, obsessed with nostalgia for a time they never knew
9. Celebrants of the Rites of Mayhem run amok, venerate chaos deity w/random acts of senselessness, violence, vandalism, set to receive eternal reward if killed while promulgating confusion, terror
10. Tedious positivity spews forth ceaselessly from adherents of the Church of Gleeful Hopelessness, clerics laugh off reality of incomprehensible universe w/variety of delight-inducing enchantments, made available for purchase as part of ministry
11. Robber God's greed-enhanced thief-priests may not accept donations, instead case establishments for future B&E, plan & execute daring, complex heists, steal and hold for ransom towering jewel-encrusted statuary dedicated to rival deities
12. Idiotic humanoids bamboozled by lich in convincing god-drag believe their master best served by killing things and taking stuff, rival clan of idiotic humanoids declared heretics for failure to correctly interpret lich's mad screeds stand by to ambush, loot, and destroy original group