It’s Fat Tuesday here in the states, and probably other places. It’s an excuse to eat like crap, because if you’re a practicing Catholic, you’re supposed to be giving up something for Lent. But to hell with details, let’s talk about donuts!

Donuts were originally called “circles of life” when they were invented by the Choctaw Indian tribes of South Dakota. They were eaten only during a special ceremony in which a Choctaw man and a Choctaw woman were attempting to start a family. The tribe’s eldest woman would knead a ball of corn dough, roll it into a phallic shape then ask the young woman to press her nose against it. Once that was done, she would join the ends, forming it into a circle. Then the young man would be press his nose against it. The dough would them be deep fried in a kettle full of deer urine, covered with dirt and eaten by a bald eagle.

Obviously, that was made up. But for real. Donuts were invented by a train robber in the late 19th century. The criminal devised a plan to slow down the lawmen that were chasing him by setting up shop inside a brothel in a small northwestern frontier town and developing several varieties of the delicious treat. He then put a sign outside the shop that said “Free treats for lawmen, stop on in!”. The lawmen would stop in for a free snack and a “Choo Choo” (19th century slang for a handjob) and inevitably spend the rest of the afternoon there, eating donuts and getting Choo Choos. That crafty train robber’s name was Tim Horton.

Donuts are the perfect food. For eating yourself to death. But that’s never stopped anyone from eating anything, so why would we limit ourselves? Donuts are even great for quitting smoking. That’s how I quit. Every time I wanted a cigarette, I ate a donut, and I didn’t gain a pound. I gained forty-three pounds. Barack Obama used to smoke, but he quit using the same method I did. Here’s photographic proof:

Donuts, in some fat countries, namely America, can be used as hamburger buns! This artwork of a meal was supposedly created by singer Luther Vandross, who died of diabetes and hypertension. (The one thing in this article that’s not made up.)

If I haven’t convinced you by now to love donuts as much as I do, then maybe this picture of a hot girl eating donuts will do something for you: