So, um, until last night I was absolutely convinced that I was pregnant. Yes, I’m on the pill and yes I’m really good about taking it, but still- did you know that roughly 5 to 8 out of every 100 women will get pregnant while on the pill? It can happen, and does.

And I just KNEW I was. I knew it. And you’d think, considering my pretty fervent “only ONE child” stance, that I would have been pretty fucking freaked out by it.

But I wasn’t.

I was excited; no- make that ecstatic.

But I’m not pregnant, for sure. And it’s kind of thrown me. I’m mourning just a bit for a child that never existed and I’m trying to come up with arguments for why we should actually try to get one to exist. So far I mostly have “‘Cause I WANT ONE!! WAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Which doesn’t really go over with my intensely logical and practical husband.

So I’m very sad today, and feeling very silly about it at the same time. In my practical self, I know that we can’t really afford it and there are still all of these REALLY GOOD reasons why we shouldn’t do it, but in my other self I’m already picking out names and shopping for wee clothes and rubbing my ever-expanding belly.

This is also known as being clinically insane, I think.

So I retract any statements that I may have made in the past about not wanting another child. I want one REAL bad. I just know that it’s not exactly practical.

At Joust last weekend I was going to buy a rabbit pelt to cut up and attach to Cole’s sporran (the little “pocket” that hangs in front of his kilt) to make it more authentic. I took Cole with me to the stand so that he could have a say in which pelt we’d purchase.

I found one that I liked the color and softness of and I held it up to Cole and had him touch it. He petted it very hesitantly and quickly pulled his hand away. I asked him if he liked it and, after a short moment of contemplation, he said “It’s dead.”

I couldn’t say anything for a moment. I was really rather shocked. Finally I said “You’re right- it is dead. How do you know that?” But he didn’t answer.

How did he know that? How does he know about death at all? They don’t really cover that topic on Blue’s Clues, y’know? It’s pretty strange for a kid that young to know about death at all, let alone identify a pelt, which I don’t think he’d ever seen before, as being dead. I don’t really know what to think about it.

We didn’t buy the pelt. I just couldn’t do it after that. Fuck authenticity. The plague would be authentic too, and I’m certainly not going to be bringing that home if I can help it.