Wednesday, July 20, 2005

When you asked me if I had changed, I remember I said yes. About studies being not the main priority anymore, and living a fuller life is. And I did say something about being responsible to myself now that I'm not young anymore, along that line.

But I'm not sure if I'm totally happy about these changes with me, or if I'm even acceptable with it subconciously. There seems to be a cess pool building up within, something of the vilest stench, something plain bad.

Maybe there has been too much undulations in my life these two years (which forced the change) - made me realise what I want is different from what I need, what I can get is different from what I want, and what I need is different from what I can get. An annoyingly situation where everything is in almost perfectly exclusiveness from each other. Or maybe I'm trying too much to fit in with the definitions of others, of what's good and what's meaningful in the world. It's not me. Or am I just changing?

While I'm living a more interesting life compared to then, everything seems so unstructured now. Nothing seems permanent and reliable anymore, not even myself though I try to be. I would like to call it a sense of dynamism, but it reeks of a quiet desperation to just be. Maybe I try too hard at it. Or maybe I just haven't gotten what I want and need yet.

I think I'm getting myself lost more and more in the lallang, searching for a space I can call my own.