The Value of Disagreements

People by and large find disagreement to be disagreeable. Annoying. Upsetting. And in the case of someone who is narcissistic, it is likely to engender belligerence. Why?

Because disagreements interfere with our sense or desire for control. When someone disagrees with us, we often respond somewhat abruptly in one or more of the following ways: You are wrong or stupid….and/or I will not cooperate because I do not agree with your decision.

The message conveyed directly or indirectly, verbally or in body language, says: what you want to be done will not happen. It is no surprise then that we object to disagreements.

But, are there any benefits from listening to a disagreement?

Imagine a court system where there are only a prosecutor and no defending attorney, and you are to be judged. You would not feel that justice is being served. After all, every argument has a counter-argument that needs to be heard.

For better, more educated decisions, all sides that have something to say should have a say. Which means they should have the right to disagree and the right and opportunity to say it.

But how, when it is so upsetting?

Here is what I found might work if you have self-discipline. When someone disagrees with you, do not consider yourself the defending attorney. Act as if the defending attorney is missing and you have to confront the disagreeing person as if he or she is the prosecutor.

Consider yourself the judge who WANTS to hear ALL arguments in favor and against the subject under discussion so that you can make a reasonable and educated judgment.

So, instead of becoming defensive when someone disagrees with you, it might be wise to ask yourself not WHY, but WHAT are the reasons FOR their disagreement. What is it he or she is trying to teach you? What is it you missed seeing or considering? You need to know that information so you can make a fair judgment.

You can and should discard any argument you find to be unsubstantiated. You are the judge, remember. Not the defendant. So you do not have to defend your side of the story, nor should you. You are “above” the argument. If a man or woman who disagrees with you makes better sense, then you—as a judge—render the best and fairest decision possible. And if you as the defendant (not as a judge) lose the argument, so be it. You accede with grace…and one hopes, with good humor.

The purpose of the discourse is not to determine who wins the argument, but what the best decision is that applies to the subject at hand.

It is a process in which you—we—wear two hats. One signifies that we are the defendant; the other that we are the judge. Two very different roles…and two different hats.

But if we are aware of the two hats, it can be done. When we present our argument, we are the defendant. When our antagonist speaks, denouncing us, we quickly assume the role of the judge. We switch hats immediately.

It very much make sense and sounds like very interesting concept to apply. Moreover, there is good correlation with coaching style we getting more and more used to in the modern corporate world (i.e. putting yourself outside of the problem, etc.). However, not sure that self-discipline would be enough if you get into an argument with either very close to you person or/and the argument gets too personal with calling names and becoming very emotional rather than factual. Although, still fall into the “court” scenario:) will definitely try it. Thank you

Being open to listen is being open to learn, to think, to take your time and to make better decision. It also helps the other part to listen to you, discuss with you and make both the decision owners which will help the ejecution and threfore make the decision taken even better.

Thanks for the post. Helps to start the weekend in a positive and happy way!!!

An very good technique to not only avoid being disagreeable in a disagreement; but also a good way to really listen to the other’s point of view in an attempt to really comprehend it.

When reading your post, I was reminded of the Great A&P Tea Company. It grew into one of the largest and greatest companies in America, only to fall (I believe now) out of existence. One of the key reasons was little or no appetite for disagreement or dissent. In any societal or organizational setting, there will be dissenting opinions and reasons. They should be heard, especially in the decision-making process. Without them, both societies and organizations have a higher probability of imploding, or at least going out of existence.

Every person, group, team, organization is born into this world to create progress and GROWTH for itself. At any point in their growth cycle commitment to the status quo will eventually bring death and termination.(thank you, Ichak)

Contrasting ideas or opinions are gifts to be enjoyed, to be savored, to be examined, to be embrace OR OR OR to simply decide I don’t want this…..I now have a new clarity on what I do want that will bring growth to us. Either way produces growth! Growth is the focus……Growth is the commitment……not not not being RIGHT!

The question at the very heart of this is what do you and I teach our children about contrasting ideas?….particularly ideas that contrast with Mom and Dad’s ideas.If you have courage you will think about that.

We are told by enlightened leaders to question all business assumptions in the pursuit of corporate growth…..and of course that is a powerful growth enabling idea. Who dares to question Mom and Dad’s assumptions in the pursuit of individual growth?…..feeling a little defensive right about now?

What we (you and I) teach our children lies at the very foundation of all growth. Do we teach right (my/our way of doing things) and wrong (their/all the others’ way of doing things)????? Think of the “Big Picture” controlling implications of that……please.

I have personally traveled (and continue to travel)this challenging journey as a Dad of 5, so all of this comes from my own experience. It has been both challenging and exhilarating.Our future and the future of our children are at stake.

Dear Ichak,
The method you describe is very useful indeed and I think most people use it when they are insecure about some topic. The difficulty is that they ignore its usefulness when they are sure of their case. How to make yourself accept an appeal once a (uninformed) decision is taken? Many times we have a ‘case closed’ mindset rather then an intention to take the best educated decision. It will take a fine prosecutor to remind us we are in fact the judge and it makes sense to see the case again. I’m sure he can do with your support!
Kind regards, Rein van Winden

Excellent introspective!! I too am a Dad of 5, though 2 are adults in their 30s & 40s. The most liberating experience in my life and for each of them has been the day that they could do something that I could not do or had a thought about something that I did not have. (Equally for my wife!) Growth only happens in a state of disequilibrium. That state, by definition, embodies conflict or at least differences.

Our eldest died at 44, 15 days after being diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. His wife, while reading some of his earlier e-mails found one, written when he was 39, to a friend who herself was dying of cancer. One quote from my dead son’s e-mail has taught me so much, and left me very proud that he became his own man, his own person: “I am where I am, because that’s where I’m supposed to be!”

You wrote,”The most liberating experience in my life and for each of them has been the day that they could do something that I could not do or had a thought about something that I did not have. (Equally for my wife!) That is POWERFUL…..POWERFUL……POWERFUL! The greatest gift we can give our children is the freedom to be who they are. Got all misty-eyed reading your post!

YOU AND YOUR BRIDE….SUPER TEAM INDEED…..GO WRITE A BOOK AND SHARE WITH THE WORLD WHAT YOU LEARNED AND WHAT YOUR CHILDREN TAUGHT YOU.

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Please note:

The insights presented in these blogs are the personal insight of Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes and do not necessarily express the opinion or position of the Adizes Institute or its staff individually or as a group.

DISCLAIMER: The insights presented in these blogs are the personal insight of Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes and do not necessarily express the opinion or position of the Adizes Institute or its staff individually or as a group.