12 of “A Million Ways to Die”

What does it say about me that, right now, I have a new Alan Jackson tune stuck in my head? And that it’s just the theme song from a Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy, Ted) comedy?

The song’s called “A Million Ways to Die,”
and it’s from the upcoming film A Million Ways to Die in the West, due in theaters May 30.

Obviously, a million ways would never fit in one little two-minute song. But Jackson sure does a thorough job of listing about a dozen of the gruesome ways.

Here is a sample of the deadly-but-poetic lyrics:

Cowboys and pioneers, come lend your eyes and ears
I’ve got the need to testify
Don’t try to build your nest out in the open West
‘Cause there’s a million way to die
Six bullets in the gut or just a paper cut
They’ll cut your ankle off to cure a minor cough
‘Cause there’s a million way to die, a million ways to die
It’s a hundred and one in the shade of the sun
If you fall asleep, you fry
You can live like a saint, but there just really ain’t no avoidin’
The million ways to die
Small pox and bigger pox and deadly tomahawks
Or, God forbid, you steal a pie
They’ll blast you into shards for being good at darts

(Then there’s a really gross part about coyotes that I can’t bring myself to type.)

MacFarlane tweeted on Monday (April 28) that the song is available on iTunes.