I have been thinking about something that Jupiter Sets at Dawn said to me in my synastry thread, about using Craig like a mannequin, and I think I can see now what she is getting at about me.

I have been severely depressed since breaking up with Craig and being all alone and all that, which for my angular Pluto doesn't seem to make much since, because one would think I am ok on my own. but Im not. one of the things I have realized about all my so called friends, is that they are only my friends if *I* am the one going to them, calling the, visiting them, giving up my time and reaching out. it really hurts because I had so many girlfriends in school and in my work places and they all seemed to love my company and we got along great, as long as I was the one calling. so why don't they ever call back, why don't they reach out to me, why is it that if I am the one that says, lets do this on such and such, they are all for it, but yet they never take the initiative with me.

its because Im a dubble hub Aquarius/Scorpio I believe, with an angular Pluto.

one of the things that Craig would always say was that he didn't want to bother me, that he didn't want to interrupt me because I might be busy, that I am with my kids, and that he didn't want to take away from that. I would implore with him, to please just call if he was thinking of me, to reach out, that I was never to busy, and if I was busy at that moment in the shower or going over homework, I would be sure to call him right back.

Ive heard that reason from many many other people, that they didn't want to bother me. I have also heard from many people that I have my life in order, that I don't need anything, and that no matter what life throws at me, I can always deal with it, and still have a smile and a positive outlook, so they never bother to check in on me to see if Im ok, because they assume I am ok, and that I would call if I needed anything or wanted to hang out. I got sad though being the one to always have to make the calls, to always remember birthdays and to invite people over, or invite myself over. I just stopped doing it to see if these BFFs would actually miss me and reach out. but they don't. and it hurts, but I can see why. they think im busy other wise I would be calling or stopping by.

the other thing I thought of was just how Military I actually am, with my Scorpio stellium. its something I never really grasped deeply, but since I have been taking 3-4 hour hikes to destress I realized that many people do not think a 3 hour walk is destressing, in fact to them its work, but for me its like boot camp. last summer when I got mad at Craig for ditching me at a concert I didn't even want to go to, I walked home almost 10 miles in the middle of the night, no problem. I have told him and Eric to pull over and gotten out of the car in an argument and just marched off, taking care of myself. very Scorpio and very Angular Pluto.

I do work hard and I drive myself very hard. I always have. I was a swimmer and a gymnast and a dancer and runner, I did hours of hard work outs and lots of yoga, because I love to use my body and I love the discipline and I love the feeling of being strong and capable. I have often laughed to myself that Craig needs a body guard more then I do, because....well I am a soldier and a warrior at heart and God Bless him he is a double cancer with a great heart and kindness that people try to take advantage of. it make me wanna really get in his associates faces and make them back off and act like men, and I act more like a man then most of his friends, and I know more manly stuff them most men.

though when Jupiter said the mannequin comment, I was like WHAT! but I know know what she is getting at, or at least I think I do. Solidier and men can detach sexually and just go through the motions and the act and not form deep connections, like a mannequin. I have a deep sexual need for sure, but I can only have sex with someone I am strongly physically attracted to, some one who get me hot and bothered and someone who I know can handle me. I know that most men cannot handle me. I can size them up in a heart beat and know that my needs and desires will not be able to be met. that's why I never bothered having sex with all those fools Craig accused me of being with. their little girls, thye cant handle a high powered women like me, and I am not about to let them try. Craig though.....with his Double cancer and mars/sun conjunction was just what I really needed to be able to let myself be sexually satisfied, to be able to relax and not have to be in control, which for me is a huge thing. I do not like not being in control or not being able to do what I want. yet being with him, I didn't care about what I wanted because he always seemed to know just what to say and do and all that. it was so nice to be able to relax and not be on guard, yet it also scares me to put my trust and my life and my kids life in some one else's hands.
I like to play, and I play rough and hard and my favorite play is sex. sex is how I choose to unwind and sex is how I can get through the hard hard days of sadness and pain that this world imprints on my sensitive Moon/Neptune aspect. I read a book years and years ago for a project in a women's literature class. the books was called _The Herstory of Prostitution_. my sister had been a very high class prostitute for a while and it had hurt my family very much. I have never ever done anything like that. I never would. I cant even have one night stands or flings or anything, it just goes against everything I have read about Biology and psychology and spirituality.

the book though talked about how prostitution came to be, how when men would go to war ages and ages and agers ago, have to go against their nature and kill and fight and destroy other human beings, how it hurt them inside, how it is a dehumanizing act...killing, and torture and all that, and the men needed to have a physical outlet for this co-existing contradiction with in them selves, and through the act of having sex with a woman they found solace and peace with in themselves, for if a woman could let them touch her lovingly and enjoy there body and sensations and being with them, in a very real way it reunited that psycholical schism that was formed within after going to war. so the troops would go to war, and bring with them women that they would be able to have sex with and get reunited with their inner feminine qualities, and thus enable them not to go mad after brutally bashing in another human beings skull.

all three men that I have had a realtionship with have had major issues with my sexuality. infact it was my sexuality that was the breaking point in all three. they all felt threatened and insecure and vunerable to my high sex drive and all thought that I *HAD* to be having sex with others, or that they wanted me to have sex with others. I never let my gaurd down with Jason or Eric and I never let them do things to me sexually that they wanted to do, becuase I didnt trust them and I didnt feel safe with them and I didnt think that they really could handle me sexually. the problem I had with Craig was that I enjoyed Sex with him too much. I did feel safe and I did feel like I could let my gaurd down and I did feel like I could let him "play' with me. I just had so much work to do, and so littl etime to really be alone and private with him that it was extremely sexaully frustrating for me. I have often thought if we only had a week alone, with no phone and no other people or work that we really would be able to strongly connect and bond and then he would feel confident and secure in knowing how I feel about him and how he makes me feel safe and happy and conent.

yet it seemed like every weekend when I could finally have a sleep over at his house, everyone was there, stopping by that local party spot. I felt like my needs were not getting taken care of becasue he would choose to answer his phone for another asssociate or businness deal, and something was always coming up that did not allow us to really be a couple and to bond on deep inimate levels then just the superfical levels of brief conversation and late latre night cuddling when I was allready dead tired from being up at 6am.

its very hard for me to be alone now, espicailly since it feels like I am going to be alone forever. I know I am more then a handful and I know most men just want to have a girl that chills out and doesnt bitch and lets them do thier man thing, and they have enough work in the real world then trying to deal with a woman whoes sex drive is super high for being almost 50 and makes them feel insecure that they cant satisfy me or that I will just go hook up with anyone.....even though I wont....my sun square neptune makes them see me as a porn star slut, whihc is fine and dandy for a secret love affair but nothing youd take home to momma, and my dream has always been to be taken home to momma and shown off for the nice, smart, caring peroson that I am on the inside, and not the object they see on the outside.

What makes my eyes twinkle?
Please help me understand what that is and how I can turn it off and on.

That twinkle that starts inside and shines out, when I feel good, is what men see at the gas station or grocery store or library, and follow me home.

There is a man Larry, who I truly know does not want to hurt me, but has been watching me since 1990 when I first worked downtown. He is just one I have seen and i know there are those who stalk better.

Some one was in my new house.
And someone drove through my yard

You have know me longer and better then any man alive save my father and brothers. They say its just my Veronicaness.

It feels like it is what keeps me alive but I cant quite claim it.
Can you?

I'm on the road this morning and won't be back until midnight or so, so this probably will have to wait until tomorrow when I'm here and fresher. But my first impression is that you let out the essence of what is you and that's incredibly intimate. You're sexy and willing to let that move through your body AND you actually look at people and make eye contact AND you're wholly present behind your eyes.

That combination is rare enough that most heterosexual men will instinctively (not necessarily consciously) take it as you've said Yes to all the questions they haven't even asked yet.

A planet's station is unusually strong, whether turning retrograde or turning direct, especially if it is in partile aspect to one of your planets.

Pluto's station is at 23°45' Sagittarius. This is semi-square your Neptune within 0°05' (and just past 1°, at 1°01', from semi-square your Moon). The Pluto transit to your Neptune should be exceptionally strong for, say, a week centered on today - look it up in the Transits section - and maybe Pluto to your Moon is still operative.

As an experimental or explorational thing, I'll mention that Pluto's station is also within 1° of several midpoints: Sun/Jupiter (58'), Moon/MC (10'), Neptune/MC (18').

PLUTO aspecting Natal NEPTUNE
Biases, prejudices, and illusions are challenged, and personal philosophy renovated in a broad-reaching transformation of your belief system. Your underlying existential views are reformulated now, as you recognize how much you have outgrown your previous models of reality. Interest in mysticism often flowers at such a time. Psychological constructs and attitudes are challenged, perhaps leaving you questioning for a time all previous ideas of what is true. As old veils shimmer and fade, anxiety is best eased by direct confrontation of your emerging new reality. Long buried secrets and personal "skeletons" tend to see the light of day, and appear not nearly so awful as you have long thought. Create your reality anew with enthusiasm and a sense of adventure!
IN BRIEF: Renovation of philosophical and cultural attitudes. Beliefs, biases, prejudices, illusionary attitudes, and personal myths are challenged. Confrontation with a new reality. "

It really is amazing to me how astrology is true.

My subconscious has been feeling this coming and my dreams have been highly reflective of one of my most primal needs.

I think that the action going on at those midpoints also is a strong component in my struggles with life right now and the overwhelming feelings and drives I have.

Ive had three relationships with men.
They hurt me.
I have felt such heartache from trying to relate to them that my eyes can barely shine anymore.

I need to be loved like how a woman can love.
To feel safe and secure and enough.
Most men have no control of thier sexual nature and are always ready willing and looking....
Which oversensitive Veronica takes to heart.

I think its best for me to go back to being a Rainbow Unicorn since i seem to have a bunch of midpoints in Sag. And leave boys alone.

I put all my Trust in The Mother and she never failed me.
Im tired of hearing boys will be boys and MeeToo was my own fault.
Astrology shows the truth and I see the tides turning for Patriarchy and the oppression of the natural feminine.

Im sure that if I am receptive to these currents The Good Mother will gravitate to me all that I truly need and my eyes will be able to sparkle with true hope for mankind again.

Is there some where I can have my midpoints calculated Sidreal? Astro.com doesnt seem to have that option. I found a few web pages that did it Tropical, I would think that the info about aspects would be the same (ie my sun/moon midpoint is conjuct my natal venus) but Im not sure if that is really valid

I read how to do it manually adding the degrees and dividing....but....well Im feeling a bit tired honestly

I guess Im missing some kind of understanding.
i see that the list you gave of 90 degree sort, goes down in order of degree from 0 to 89, and I understand that that is a list of Squares to my positions correct. But on the list that was generated it gave (obviously wrong) degrees and Positions listed like

Sun/moon Position 15 Cap 27' 51"

which I could see in my minds eye as being some what close to where my Venus is nataly in Sag.

but on your list,

it says things like

Sat/Ura 05 53'
Sun/Venus 12 41'

I dont understand where in the 360 that falls or what that is supposed to mean.

the table was easier to read and understand but the formatting didnt copy well to my word program so I am going to have to reread that print out later.

The numbers of the se in one run from 0 to 90, meaning the quadrants fold on top of each other so conjunctions, oppositions, and squares appear atop each other. Thus, 5 33 means 5 degrees of either Cancer, Libra, Capricorn, or Aries (it doesn't matter which). Add 39 degrees for Fixed or 60 degrees for Mutable.

Thanks again!
I need some new journals to do some of this math, but Im getting it.

Thanks too to Steve for his thread on midpoints which was fascinating to read and JSADs detailed explanation on how to get this info from astro.com.

So from my understanding it seems like the strongest point is around my natal venus. Go figure.

Its amazing really about Pluto transiting my midpoints now and the oh so intense feelings....which I do have trouble articulating.

But the Universe spoke it loud and clear to me today when a most beautiful 5th grade little girl wearing tiger ears in her hair and whisker painted on her nose and a fuzzy pink sweater with a rainbow unicorn sequiened on it came up to my desk and flirted this way and that with me about nothing in particular and then very boldly looked me in the eye and ever so sweetly ask
"So, do you have a girlfriend?"

"As an experimental or explorational thing, I'll mention that Pluto's station is also within 1° of several midpoints: Sun/Jupiter (58'), Moon/MC (10'), Neptune/MC (18')."

Im going to do my best to share just what that goings on materized as.....(pardon my sexist use of the term men...its just easier for me to right...but the term could be for either sex i just dont want to type men/women. Both sexes of humans have the issues I am referring too...men ime just have demonstrated it more. Ymmv)

Im in a very dire financial situation.
Im underemployed and have little means to change that because of my past priority of being true to my spirit and not caring for riches and material things.
Im am below the poverty level.
Of course I could just hook up with a man i find on some online dating service and suck up to the status quo and be a quiet subservient dutiful woman and live a life of riches and buy my children everything they want.

It feels like all the men in my life have this primal need to make me have to beg and ask for money....even though the scales of karma show they have not paid up, done thier share or give freely. My brothers. My father. My two exboyfriends. My husband. All have a power issue with my self sufficient and non material existance. All if confronted by thier god would have to admit sinning against me.

But its not just me....
I am an archtype of the wild and free feminine nature.
What is happening to me personally, is happening to women across the globe where the Patriarch al society we live in says....this is right...women have to have a man to be sucessfull. To live.
And I, with my star chart laugh in their face and say....no i dont.
I dont want your food.i have my own.
I dont want your car. I have my own.
I dont want your home. I have my own.
I crush thier ego and they stumble away mumbling dirty words and look for a domesticated women to stroke thier egos and give them fake love.

Im lucky to have those stars. My global sisters arenot as lucky and end up hooking up with anybody. They end up selling thier bodies. The end up getting date raped and beaten and raped by thier lovers and husbands just for financial security. And heaven forbid if at anytime one of those womans charts finally gives them a voice to say MeeToo. I was wronged. I was hurt. I was used. He took a part of me that he didnt ask for that I didnt give freely. Heaven forbid, boys will be boys and shouldnt be accountable for not having thier body under self control, for not having thier spirit under thier reigns, not not being a living breathing manifestion of the Soul of Creation. Heaven forbid, speaking out might mean he cant get a job and support the status quo of this Patriarcial cizilization.. Cant have that messing up peoples dreams and life. Lifes to short...move on..get over it.....ive heard it all. Each and everytime i have been sinned against in the deepest most hurtful ways.

I dont forget though. Its a Scorpio thing.
I am bound by all those wounds and the only release is by the people who sinned and wronged me.

My aquarian sun drove me to study the hard sciences and understand the truth and uncover all the lies that this one sided civilazation teaches. The biggest lie has to do with our beautiful sun and its life giving powers. Stored energy.
I store everything. Deep in each cell. All the memories all the gifts all the curses.
They dont go away. They cant. Quantum physic proves that. Religion and spirituality prove that.

My scorpio stellium is all about stored energies and what can be done with these little cells I have trapped in my body that others put there.

It has been my life purpose to figure out why people have so much to fear from a little girl like me. Why do men fear and hate and need to hurt and control and subjugate the women of this world. What is it within them that needs to have total power and control over everything feminine.

Why do men deny the femine that is within them and assert they are "men"....imying they are the epitome of all the powers of manhood and thus the live giving sun.

I know why.
I am like the moon. I change. Minute by minute. Its a scary thing. To be happy when you go to bed and sick in the heart with the whole world when you wake.
I know though about the moon and the gift She gives of eternal life of the power of being able to become so full of onesself (ego) and then to slowly eek away into nothing (egoless).
Men are afraid of what this world could do them if they stripped themselves bare and showed all thier guts and glory and sins....men are terrified of being egoless.

Im not.

Thats why I xan rip myself open here and share with you all the horrible parts of me the dirty and ugly parts I have by my verybirthrite and environmental influences.

I truely dont care.
Because I can die a million times.
I can be raped and beaten.
Poverty struck
Dreamless
Hopeless
Bloody and wounded from the way the world spins against me and with me.
Road rashed and breathless
Ive been there. Done that. Got the tshirt.

I know the secret of life and death and love and pain and everything inbetween and like the sun I the eternal feminine the eternal source of all will rise again and again.

People have a choice.
Either rip your false face bravado masking ego off in yourlifetime or wait till Death comes and brings you to hell and makes you do it.

We can either be a fool or a Fool and it takes one to know one.

Beautiful Kind Jupiter Sets at Dawn told me....
"People can only be strong if you let them"

Humans by nature of life are prone to addiction in a million forms.

The only Sin is restriction.

I am an addict.
I am overcome with feelings of a deep down insatiable need.
Like a drunk needs a drink
But i dont need a drink.
Like a coke head needs a bump
But I dont need a bump.
Like a nymphomaniac needs sex
But I dont need sex
A million things this material world offers us for consumption and addiction.
But i dont need this world

I am an addict for love and beauty
And I have only ever gotten my fix for that from within myself.
If that which you seek
You find not within
Ye shall never find it without

Love is the Law.
Love under Will

......and thats what happens when Pluto gives me some much needed love and attention.

If I didnt have my children looking into my eyes with hope an optimism for a better world......

They hear me cry and see my tears and know how hard I work to put on a fake smile .....

Grown ups only seem to care about themselves.

Thats why so many children grow up with out thier true parents together.

Eric knows
And so does every parent who didnt put thier own self aside for the sake of thier children and stop wallowing in thier bruised egos and self pity.

I am blessed I saw and expierenced how wrong it is to be so self absorbed like I was leaving my kids to be w someone else instead of doing the right thing and taking care of those who need me and are my responsibility.

V, you may not get what you want on your court day with the stack of charts I analyzed, but the Judge may delay judgement to a later date. I looked at many charts, but my favorite chart to analyze is the Solar Quotidian (SQ), when you know ahead of time an ‘out of ordinary’ incident scheduled on a specific date. Below is link to your SQ 12,00 Noon on July 10 for Rochester, NY. Is your residence still close to Rochester? I find this SQ most interesting and I think is shows par-excellent symbolism for the circumstances surrounding your day in court. Remember SQ's are daily charts.

SQ Mars in Azi partile cnj SQ Anti-Vertex, a sensitive chart point, partile 120 North Node 1,06 cnj SQ MC. Obviously the North Node which symbolizes life "connections" with people is your ex-husband over a dispute (Mars) with alimony. SQ Mars partile SQ Neptune indicating you may not get entirely what you want, but SQ Moon a very important component in SQ charting is partile 135 SQ Jupiter-- so maybe a partial increase with alimony. Moon-Jupiter is good—so lets hope you have a good day in court.

V, you may not get what you want on your court day with the stack of charts I analyzed, but the Judge may delay judgement to a later date. I looked at many charts, but my favorite chart to analyze is the Solar Quotidian (SQ), when you know ahead of time an ‘out of ordinary’ incident scheduled on a specific date. Below is link to your SQ 12,00 Noon on July 10 for Rochester, NY. Is your residence still close to Rochester? I find this SQ most interesting and I think is shows par-excellent symbolism for the circumstances surrounding your day in court. Remember SQ's are daily charts.

SQ Mars in Azi partile cnj SQ Anti-Vertex, a sensitive chart point, partile 120 North Node 1,06 cnj SQ MC. Obviously the North Node which symbolizes life "connections" with people is your ex-husband over a dispute (Mars) with alimony. SQ Mars partile SQ Neptune indicating you may not get entirely what you want, but SQ Moon a very important component in SQ charting is partile 135 SQ Jupiter-- so maybe a partial increase with alimony. Moon-Jupiter is good—so lets hope you have a good day in court.

Thanks for the interest in my lil ol chart Fletcher....
Wanna know more?
I got a got a new court date coming up soon....

Butcha ya know what?
I dont care what the charts say.
I took him to court to give him the chance to step up and help out his flesh n blood.
He wanted a trial n wanted to prove Im a shitty mom.
He cant prove that.
My chart shows mee
N his chart shows him n his jerkoff psychoitc ways very clearly.

He doesnt want to give my kids any money bc it taps into his beer fund.
I give my kids ever penny and every bit of my love I can.

So thanks for looking. If you have input we would all love to hear it.

I edited my response bc I was very angry.
Im sorry for being so judgemental but I have a lot of problems with the actions of my ex and didnt like the creep factor of Fletcher commenting on my three month old chart.

I understand the creep factor.
I think that was a spam-bot that looks through old messages for links or images and posts "thanks for the link" or "thanks for the picture."
If you have a concern, you can always message Dani, Jim or me, and we'll take a look at that subscriber.

Thank you for the piece of mind Jupiter Sets at Dawn, I really do appreciate it.

This forum is the only place I feel like people understand the real me and it truelly does bother me to know my ex husband knows about it bc he hacked my pc when we were married.

I do always let Jim know and he has always taken the time to check into things that trouble my allready nervous nature.

I am so very grateful for that and the opportunity to share here my experiences and understanding in regards to how vitally important Sidreal astrology has been as a tool in my life for self acceptance and spiritual growth.