March 6

I have had a crush on this particular girl for a while now. She and I seem very compatible with our similar personalities. Secondly, she’s downright beautiful. Both of those put her way out of my league or at least I thought… Our school had a eduactional trip to our state’s capital for some kind of business conference. She wanted to sit with me on the bus ride there. I didn’t think much of it, I just thought she was being nice. But, late into the trip, the heater on the bus broke and I offered to share my coat with her, using it as a blanket. She agreed, and for another 10 miles or so, she was cuddled against me for a while, and then with no provocation from me, she slides her hand down my leg and rests it above my knee. I’m thinking, “What the heck?” So I slowly put my hand atop hers and she doesn’t move away. We stayed pretty much like that through the first day, being affectionate all the time, and at one point she was running her foot up and down my leg. So I knew she had to like me, and just wasn’t playing around.

Day two, I find out a horrible thing… she has a boyfriend back home. I was nervous all day, and she must have been reminded by one of her friends that saw us flirting that she still had a man back home, because she started distancing herself from me from then on. By the day we were to come home, she was acting like nothing ever happened. Two days later, (today) I finally have enough nerve built up to ask her what the whole deal was. And the only answer I get is “I don’t know, it sucks doesn’t it?”

How can anybody be so cruel? I told her, tears in my eyes, that I didn’t care if she had 10 boyfriends, because I really liked her, and if there was ever a time when she didn’t have a boyfriend, I would be there. She just fell silent, and then said, “We can be friends.” Sweet Lord, Breakup Girl, is love dead? I’m just so torn-up now I don’t know what to do.

— Genji

Oh, Genji,

No, sweetie, love is not dead. It’s just that that was not love in the first place. That was Bus Lust.

If the following at all polishes the mean, vindictive corner of your hurt, I promise you that Miss Blanket Excuse probably doesn’t feel much better about herself than you do. I know she’s cavalier on the outside, but I betcha she feels like a Bad Girlfriend and also a Mean Person for putting tears in your eyes. And it’s probably not the first time she’s felt that way.

So Genji, if there is ever a time when she doesn’t have a boyfriend — which may, in fact, be soon — I want you to hang out and wait for the next bus. Okay?

September 4

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

May 9

I’ve had an on off relationship with this guy for about year. Finally, towards the end of the school year we have a pretty stable thing going. But then comes summer, filling my schedule until I saw him less than once a month. So I decide to break it off. It made sense at the time but now I realize I really do love him. It’s like not having him makes me want him more. We have no classes together but I see him in the halls and at parties. He’s a big flirt so I can’t tell how he feels about me. How can I let him know how I feel about him without making it obvious to the world?

— Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Um, tell him, not the world. I know it’s pretty much the same thing, this being high school and all, but still. One friend of BG’s once told someone how he felt by taking out an ad in the college paper. That’s what I’d call “obvious to the world.” (Also, it didn’t work.) Instead, find a place where you can talk one on one (like the phone), and ask himwhat he thinks about a do-over. If he’s into it, great. But if he says no, don’t you dare tell the world he’s a jerk.

February 8

I like this boy I barely know, but I know him well enough to know his name. We are both in the same grade, 8th. I’m not the type of person to ask someone out, I’m afraid I’ll be rejected. Plus he’s going out with someone and I doubt he knows who I am.

All the other people say that I should flirt with him, say hi and stuff, but it’s hard on me cause im kinda shy. What am I supposed to do, walk up to him and just say, “Hi!” That’s kinda awkward for me.

His girl’s locker is in the same aisle as mine and he’s there. I never said a word to him, same for him to me. But if he breaks up, I KNOW for a fact that he won’t go with me. He likes those preppy girls that wear their hair in a bob, a messy ponytail, flares, (I wear flares) with those plaid or checkered button up shirts that they wear over white tees.

NO guy has ever asked me out in 2 years! I have a feeling that I may be ugly. When I look in the mirror, I look fine, but when I look in the 3-way mirror I look demented! My nose is crooked and everything.

What can I do to make it *normal*? How can I make myself look and feel better??

December 14

Okay, this is the last (hopefully) installment in the Jo R. Heavy Opera Company’s production of “I love you, Come here; I hate you, Go away,” otherwise known as the Ring Cycle of Numbing Depression and Futility.

Quick recap: I met him 7 years ago; I was attached when he was single, then he got married when my relationship broke up; he claims his marriage is dreadful, and he’s been “on the verge of divorce” for 5 years now (I’ve never bought this, since he’s still married and they’ve had 2 kids). He and I have flirted heavily ever since we met, but never had sex. Two years ago he moved to Chicago; he started writing to me shortly after, always with the flirtation thing going on. In February he told me his marriage was definitely *over*, and I had said, “I’m so sorry but YIPPEE — when can I visit?” He then lapsed into complete silence for 3 months, at the end of which I wrote you to ask what I should do.

You put my name on the Breakuplist — although there was never an “up” to be broken in this case — and I wrote to him and told him that since he wasn’t interested, we should scotch all erotic impluses. After this brief recess, our amiable “what I did today” newsy e-mails continued; after all, we’ve been friends for years.

Last week, though, after I mentioned that I’m booked to give conference papers in Florida and Ann Arbor this fall, he asked if he could come. I promptly whipped back that he could *not* come, since when I’d suggested the same sort of thing he’d run like a hare, and told him that it was rude and unkind, when he didn’t want to sleep with me, to pretend that he did. He apologized abjectly and declared that we should simply forget about flirting, since he “valued our friendship so highly.”

June 3

I’m SO in love with this guy at my school. We have a REALLY small school, so everybody knows everybody else, and their business too. This means that “my guy” knows I like him. He used to flirt quite a bit with me. Then my friends told him I liked him. They told me that they told him. Then, one day out of the blue, he told some of my friends that he doesn’t like it when I flirt with him, and that he doesn’t like me “in that way.” They told me for one reason, and one reason only, so I wouldn’t get more hurt in the long run. My friends are very sensitive and caring, so I KNOW they’re not lying. I’m still hurt by this. Every once in a while he’ll talk to me, but not very often. Now that summer is approaching, and both him and I live on farms, we’ll NEVER see each other. I’ve had loads of guys ask me out before, it’s just that I only like one guy, and I CAN’T HAVE HIM!! How can I go about getting him to like me?? How can I get him to ask me out?? PLEASE HELP ME!!

May 31

I am in a confusing and slightly depressing situation. Two weeks ago I went to Mexico with part of my Spanish class. We were paired up with a group of kids from Nebraska (we’re from Oklahoma). So I started talking to and became friends with this guy from the Nebraska group. One night when we were on this island off of Cancun the group went to a discotheque by our hotel. The guy (we’ll call him George) and I got bored so we left (a lot of people had already left) We walked around the beach for about half and hour and then sat down on this ledge overlooking the ocean and held hands with his arm around me talking for an hour. Then we had to go back to our respective rooms (12 p.m. curfew). The next day everyone was sure that we would formally hook up and I was sure that he would kiss me. But then he got in a motorcycle accident and had to be flown to Cancun and I never got to see him again or say goodbye or anything. So I went home and discovered that the guy who I have had a crush on for like nine months is still just as attractive and interesting and amazing as he was when I left. I see him almost every day because we are both in karate and are training for nationals together. I’m had over heels for this guy but I feel guilty for flirting with him because I’m not sure where George and I stand. I haven’t been able to get in touch with him. I don’t even know how the other guy feels about me but I’m too afraid of losing his friendship to tell him how I feel about him. My general motto is Carpe Diem but somehow in this situation I just can’t seem to follow my own advice. Why can’t my life be as simple as Sandy and Danny make life seem?

March 31

I was reading the Predicament of the Week and I just have to say, “Wow!” I was wondering if guys like him exist. Maybe Brad is looking for love in all the wrong places…

Anyhoo…I am totally attracted to this guy. He is funny, smart, and attractive. So what’s the problem, right??? Well, I WORK with him. Been there, done that… don’t want to go back. While we’re dating, we can’t focus on work. When we break up, we still can’t focus on work. So, how do I deal with this attraction? I certainly don’t want to make any mistakes. I think that it would be different if I thought things would work out great. I am a Christian, he is not. His ten year reunion is this year, I graduated [three years ago]. He is loud and obnoxious, I am calm and cool. It is driving me insane every time I work with him. We already spend way too much time talking. What is a girl to do??? Help me out here, would ya? Thanks.

March 25

I’ve met the man of my dreams and I think he’s interested in me. He calls me a lot and is very aggressive in his flirtations. I, on the other hand, turn to pulp whenever he comes near me. I turn into a trembling mass of kiwi-lime Jell-O. My usual charsimatic, witty conversation becomes monosyllabic whimpers and I invariably wind up saying something inane enough to make him think I don’t like him, or worse — I insult him! How can I calm down around him? How do I knock his tight butt off the pedestal?

— Zsa Zsa

Dear Zsa Zsa,

Wow, he does sound like the man of your dreams. As in, those nightmares where you have to tell someone something really important (like, “The Truman Show: provocative and revolutionary, or self-referential and smug?” or “Help, I am being pursued by a killer whale on those new off-road inline skates!”) but all that comes out is gibberish. While some degree of giddy infatuated nonsense is normal — and endearing — past a certain point, you aren’t dealing with reality. Give him and your dreams a few more nights. You don’t want to lose that excited edge, but you shoud also be getting progressively more comfortable as dates go by. If not, it’s time to for you and your Rapid Eye Movement to look for someone with whom you’re truly in sync.

November 30

BG’s alter ego caught up with BG’s favorite new dating expert the other day at Salon.com. But Katherine Chloe Cahoon was also kind enough to stop by BreakupGirl.net to offer some exclusive advice to our readers, especially those who’ll be traveling across the pond on winter break!

BG: I am not blonde. Will European men still think I’m cute?

KCC: You don’t have to have blond hair to attract European men. Opposites do attract! So if you are in Spain and have blond hair, they’re going to like you. Plus, it’s relative. I’m not that blond, and they considered me to be one of the blondest girls they’d ever seen. Also, they would love you in Sweden.

BG: If I can’t get to Europe, what are my next best options for meeting European Men?

KCC: The world is becoming so international that I have actually met European men in the States. I would say the best place to meet them is at the dance clubs because dancing is so prevalent in Europe. It’s not like the States. You wil go to a club and they will know how to salsa and cha cha and samba — everything, you name it. I was in New Orleans five months ago and there were 20 European Men at the dance club! It was ridiculous! I am in Seattle now. We are pretty ethnic in that we have lots of different people from different countries. It’s very global and I have met Europeans everywhere from the grocery store to the park.

BG: What were they shopping for at the grocery store? Espresso, I guess?

KCC: Most of them were getting fruit. They were buying melon. They were just learning English, and they asked for help. That’s how I heard that they were European.

BG: There are a lot of countries in Europe. When I am able to go, where should I start looking?

KCC: When I went there to study I had an international media and management major. So I chose where to go based on what would be best for me business-wise and what piqued my interest. This is the number one key for women. They shouldn’t wake up this morning and say I have to find a boyfriend or go on a manhunt. They should say, I want to have fun and learn the culture and be carefree. So I would pick the country based on personal interest. Like if you know a language or speak a little that is an excellent place to start.

BG: What’s your advice if I meet a man from one of those really small countries and he doesn’t speak any English?

KCC: I think that girls should be in Europe to have fun. I advise you to pick up as much of the language as you can, but then don’t worry about it. I met guys whose language I didn’t speak, and they didn’t speak mine, and we had a fabulous time. It’s amazing how much you can communicate without speaking. You rely on pantomime. You can’t date someone seriously that way, of course. Though I have a friend who made it through five dates by relying on pantomime. And also as you’re in a country for more time you’ll pick up the language and will start to be able to converse with the natives.

BG: Why European men in particular?

KCC: I love American men as well as European men and men of many different nationalities. But I found that when we go to another place like Europe to lern the culture it’s much more fascinating if you do it with the natives, and European men very much want to show girls an excellent time. If you do go there showing interest in their homeland, your experience is going to be enhanced.