Liberal view written by a Conservative
Jew / Michael GoldWARNING: This article represents one
view of relations. Although many of the components in this article are Orthodox,
they should not be taken out of context. Please click here
for an Orthodox response to this article.

The Rabbinic requirement of regular relations in a
marriage does put some responsibility on the wife. It is considered desirable
for her to solicit her husband to the act. (Nevertheless, the laws of
modesty suggest that she be a bit less brazen and subtler than her husband.)
"R Samuel b. Hahmani, citing R. Johanan, stated: A woman who solicits her
husband to the (marital) obligation will have children the like of whom did
not exist even in the generation of Moses. (Eruvin 100b)

Jewish Law is concerned not only with the frequency of the
act but with the manner in which it is performed. The Talmud recommends
nudity:

"R. Joseph taught: ‘Her flesh’ implies close bodily
contact, i.e., that he must not treat her in the manner of the Persians who
perform their conjugal duties in their clothes. This provides support for a
ruling of R. Huna who laid down that a husband who said, "I will not
perform (conjugal duties) unless she wears her clothes and I mine’ must
divorce her and give her also her ketubbah" (Kettubot 48a).

The myth that religious Jews are required to make love
through a hole in a sheet is nonsense. Pleasure was a concern of the rabbis;
they understood that it is enhanced by nudity. In fact, if one of the partners
does not wish to have relations in the nude, it is considered grounds
for divorce (Shulchan Arukh, Even ha-Ezer 76-13).

A tension exists in Rabbinic literature between what the
Rabbis regard as modest and proper on the one hand and what they know will
maximize a couple’s pleasure on the other hand. Modesty requires that
scholars of the law not be with their wives too frequently like roosters (Berakhot
22a), yet even a scholar is responsible for maximizing his wife’s pleasure.
Rabbinic teachings reflect this tension in their discussions about intercourse
by day or night, proper positions, and natural or un-natural relations.

According to tradition, relations should take place at night and
in the dark. The Talmud forbids relations during the day or by the light of a lamp (Niddah
17). Maimonides teaches that, although intercourse on the Sabbath is a special
mitzwah, if the Sabbath light has not yet gone out and there is no separate
room to which they can move, the couple should wait (Mishnah Torah Issurei
Biah 21:10). In fact, midnight was considered the ideal time for intercourse.

Behind this law stands the principle "Love your
neighbor as yourself" (Lev 19:18). The rabbis were concerned that a man
might see his wife’s blemishes and that she would then become undesirable to
him. Niddah 17a –. However, there are exceptions.

"Although intercourse was reserved for the night, if
because of ones nature one finds himself forced to sleep at night and ought
not be aroused or excited, or if the woman’s nature is such that she is
overtaken by sleep at night and is not receptive at that time, one is
permitted to have intercourse during the day, with due modesty, in
order that intercourse be performed with acceptance and love and not by
force"—(Meiri Niddah 17a).

Although they set normative guidelines, the ultimate concern
of the Talmudic rabbis is maximizing the joy of relations. Traditionally most Jewish
couples have made love in the dark out of a sense of modesty, but if a couple
finds their relations enhanced when they "relate" the light, they are free
to do so.

Similarly, in Rabbinic Judaism a tension exists between
mandating a particular position for couples and allowing for variety
and experimentation. On the one hand, the Rabbis recommend the missionary
position: "She on top and him below—this is the way of brazenness; she
below and him on top—this is the way of proper intercourse" (Gittin
70a). According to Rabbi Johanan ben Dahabai, it is forbidden to
"overturn the table" (practice unnatural intercourse or unusual
positions), but the Rabbis explicitly disagree with him: "A man
may do whatever he pleases with his wife (at intercourse). A parable: Meat
which comes form the abattoir may be eaten salted, roasted, cooked, or
seethed, so with fish from the fishmonger… A woman once came before Rabbi
and said, "Rabbi, I set a table before my husband and he overturned
it." Rabbi replied, "My daughter, the Torah has permitted you to
him. What can I do for you?" (Nedarim 20b)

Maimonides, usually quite conservative on "relations",
proves quite liberal on this question:

"A man’s wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man
may do whatever he wishes with his wife. He may have intercourse with her at
any time he wishes and kiss her on whatever limb of her body he wants. He may
have natural or un-natural relations , as long as he does not bring forth seed in
vain. However, it is a sign of piety not to show too much levity but to
sanctify himself at the time of intercourse… A man should not depart from
the way of the world and its custom because its ultimate purpose is
procreation. (Mishnah Torah Issurei Biah 21:9)

The issue of un-natural relations (biyah lo kedarkah) is
particularly difficult form a Jewish perspective. Un-natural relations refers
to any sexual activity in which semination does not occur in the traditional place, (Rassi
on Yevamoth 34), such as oral sex, anal sex, or what the rabbis termed
"threshing within and without" (premature withdrawal). Talmudic
sources talk freely about such activity, permitting it under certain
circumstances between husband and wife. Nonetheless there is a concern with
the wasteful spilling of seed, which Judaism forbids based on the biblical
story of Er and Onan. Tosefot raises this contradiction and cites the position
of Rabbi Isaac to resolve it:

"It is not considered like the act of Er and Onan
unless it is his intention to destroy the seed and it is his habit to always
do so. However, if it is occasional and the desire of his heart is to come
upon his wife in an unnatural way, it is permitted. (Tosefot on Yevamoth
34)."

In other words, un-natural relations is permissible only if it is
occasional and not exclusive, and if the intent is mutual pleasure. Both
husband and wife must agree on any unnatural forms of sex, for Jewish law
forbids a man from forcing his wife into any sexual act against her will. This
includes getting her drunk.

The Rabbis of the Talmud disagree on whether a man is
permitted to fantasize about another woman when he has relations with his wife.

Michael Gold / "Does G-D Belong In The Bedroom"

ONE ORTHODOX RESPONSE (not from this site)

The article is based on a gemarah in nedarim (20:). The gemarah relates
that