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Baby? Maybe!

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I haven’t posted in a while but that doesn’t mean stuff hasn’t been going on!

Short version: I did not get pregnant during my January cycle.

Long version: January was the first month that I used a fertility monitor in conjunction with ovulation prediction tests and charting. My temps were a bit more erratic than previous cycles — I still had a normal cycle with a clear thermal shift but it was more up-and-down than usual. Hopefully, it was just an odd month and not indicative of declining fertility — only time will tell on that count!

On my ninth cycle day, I had a temp rise that looked like the beginning of an ovulation shift. It made me nervous and to my dismay, the next day it rose even higher. Shitshitshit! Was I really ovulating on CD10?! D and I had missed my fertile window the two previous months; I couldn’t believe we were missing it again! This was around 6:30a and I decided to make a move so we would have a chance — albeit a slim one — for the month of January.

Lemme tell you, I have sexy moves!

So I crawled back into bed and stared at my deeply sleeping boyfriend. I tried to decide what to do: should I just start rubbing and kissing on him? Should I gently wake him up and explain what was going on? I decided on the former but every time I tried to make my move, he’d roll over or something. When did sex become so hard? After my gazillionth failed attempt to wake him up, he stumbled to his feet to go to the bathroom. Don’t mistake this for success — he practically sleep-walks to the bathroom when he needs to pee. When he got back into bed, I poked him lightly before he could transition from ‘Mostly Asleep’ to ‘Borderline Coma’.

Me: I know this is odd timing but could you give me some sweet loving?

Him: (groggily) I’m still feeling kind of sick. Tomorrow, okay? [He had been fighting a cold all week]

Me: Okay. It’s just that .. I was hoping we could try this month and tomorrow will be too late.

Suddenly, he was wide awake. He returned to the bathroom and after a few minutes, came back to bed.

Him: I’m sorry, I just can’t handle having a kid right now. I’m 41 and can barely take care of myself.

So far, this trying to conceive business has been unsuccessful .. and I am not even talking about the getting pregnant part. Just the trying part has been almost entirely a no-go. The timeline thus far is like this:

Mid-October: We decide to throw caution into the wind and try for a kid. Who needs a job (my boyfriend is currently unemployed) or youth (we’re both 41) to be a parent? NOT US! YEEHAW! Let’s do this thing!

Halloween: My OBGYN says ‘Hold your horses, buckaroos! You need to get the Coumadin out of your system before you even think of getting freaky baby-making style.’ Brakes are applied, medication is switched to daily Lovenox shots.

Shutting it down.

Post-Thanksgiving: Have a check-up with my OBGYN on CD13. I have a nice, big juicy follicle and am told to get busy. Alas, boyfriend is as sick as a dog and we miss our window that month.

Christmas: Via charting, I realize that my December window will be very tight. The month prior, I ovulated on CD14; if that holds true, I will ovulate the day I am traveling back home from the holidays. Since my boyfriend is not holiday-ing with me, I keep my fingers crossed that I will ovulate a little late. I, of course, ovulate early — CD12 — and again we miss my window.

God damn muther fu…

So since we decided to start trying in October, we have only had sex once during my fertile window. ONCE. While knowing with 100% certainty that I am not pregnant keeps the two week wait utterly stress free, it would be nice to, you know, get this ball rolling.

This month is going to be different! I have a fertility monitor. I have Conceive Plus lubricant. I am going to make my boyfriend give me the hot beef injection every day Friday through Sunday on my fertile weekend. If I am sick? I don’t care! If he is sick? I don’t care! This month, I am going to have a real two week wait. This month, I am going to have a reason to hope!

I have ovulated early. I am still in Texas while D is home in California. I was supposed to ovulate on Sunday which still wouldn’t have been great because that is the day I am traveling home but we would have had a sliver of a chance. I was hoping that the holidays and stress of traveling would make me ovulate a little later — Monday or Tuesday — but it seems my body was like ‘Ahhhh, too much going on! Jettison this egg STAT!’

When I was a little girl, time seemed to move soooooo slooooooooooooowly. During the school year, the upcoming summer vacation felt like years ahead in the future. Turning 16 and getting my license? A century would pass before that would happen. Moving out and being on my own? So far ahead in time that it was inconceivable!

That word you keep using .. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Everything moved at such a glacial pace. Once I grew up though, years would fly by! There I’d be at Christmas, looking back on the previous New Year’s Eve as if it had happened the week before rather than nearly a year ago. Where did the time go? When did the clocks start speeding ahead? It seems like I blinked and became middle-aged.

However, now that we are trying to conceive, time has slowed down again. Before this, I’d get my period and be all ‘What? Fucking hell, again?! Jesus, I just had my period, like, yesterday dammit!’. Now I get my monthly visitor and every minute that passes from then until ovulation is the length of an era, the time from when I ovulate until I can test a millenium.

But this slow-down is also mixed with a sense of panic: panic that — even though it has grown so very, very slow — I am quickly running out of time. I only have so many chances left. I don’t know my expiration date but I know that it cannot be that far into the future. My charts look wonderful, my ovulation seems just about perfect — but for how much longer? Will this be my last good month? Next month? The month after? I don’t know.

This trying to conceive at 41 business exists in two universes for me, universes that run parallel but have different rates of time. It’s like a Fringe episode but a really, really sucky one.

My last cycle was 32 days long. I needed this one to stretch out to the same to give us a chance this month. That would have put my period arriving on Tuesday. I almost made it but .. alas. My monthly friend showed up in full-force this morning. This isn’t a big surprise — my temperature has been dropping steadily for a couple days and I spent the weekend battling migraines — but I’m still a bit disappointed. So close! SOOOO CLOSE .. and yet, so far. This means that if I ovulate on time this cycle, I will ovulate the day I return from my trip. I guess that still gives us the skinniest little chance as long as we get it on the moment I step off the plane but it’s likely that our window will have already passed by then.

So that leaves me hoping that I ovulate a little late this cycle. Maybe the holidays and associated travel will make that happen? That’s my Christmas wish!

Since we’re on the topic, I will post the best video about periods ever:

There I was, sitting at my desk blissful as could be when my cell began to buzz. I answered it..

Nurse: Dr. Ahdoot [my OBGYN] would like to talk to you. Do you have a moment?

I ran outside so I didn’t have to have the conversation in my cubicle. My mind started racing: Why is he calling me? What is wrong? Oh god, it must be horrible if he is calling me himself. Is it cancer? Cervical cancer? WHAT KIND OF HORRIBLE THING IS GOING ON INSIDE ME?! In my experience, doctors don’t call you unless it’s bad news; if everything is good, they have their nurse/office call you to let you know. And I didn’t even know why he was calling in the first place — I had a regular exam/pap appointment on October 31st; then I saw him again after Thanksgiving to talk about baby making. I wasn’t waiting on any tests and the last we talked he said to come in on the first day of my cycle so we can check various levels.

WHAT DID HE WANT?! WHAT DID HE NOTICE?! WHAT DID HE FIND?!

AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Convinced that something awful was going on, I was surprised by the conversation that followed:

Dr. Ahdoot: How are you doing?

Me: Fine.

Dr. Ahdoot: I’m just calling to find out how your plans are going.

Me: Well, we missed our window this month and I think I’ll be out of town when I ovulate in December. So we probably won’t be able to try again until January.

Dr. Ahdoot: If you want to get more aggressive, let me know and I will put you on Clomid. We’re here for you.

As you can see from my chart, no sex happened (Damn holidays! Damn boyfriend getting sick!) so I certainly know that pregnancy isn’t waiting for me at the end of this cycle. But if you think I am off the two-week wait hook, you are so wrong!

Last month, my cycle was 32 days long. As I have never paid attention to my body before we decided to take the plunge, I have no idea if this is normal for me. I also have no idea what day I ovulated. So I am looking at two scenarios here:

A. My 32 day cycle is normal for me: I ovulate on the 14th day and I have a 19 day luteal phase.

-or-

B. My 32 day cycle was an anomaly: I ovulate on the 14th day, have a 14 day luteal phase and a 28 day cycle overall.

I am really, really, REALLY hoping for option A. Why? Because I am going to my brother’s place for Christmas and will be gone from December 22 – 30. If I have a standard 28 day cycle, I will get my period on Dec 14th and my peak fertility will be the 24th through the 26th with ovulation happening on the 27th. Since my boyfriend will not be coming with me, it will be pretty hard for him to impregnate me from three states away. He has a mighty penis but it isn’t that mighty!

However, if I do have a standard 19 day luteal phase, then I won’t get my period until five days later and my fertile time will stretch from the 28th until the 31st. Which, granted, still doesn’t give us much time. I’d basically get off the plane and declare: TO THE BEDROOM! I NEED YOU TO FUCK ME! (I’m a romantic, yo.)

Bring on the sperm

So keep your fingers crossed for us that we’ll at least get to give things a shot once or twice this month. Otherwise, we are looking at mid/late January.