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February 07, 2008

The Young and the Reszzzzz...

Despite having seen Sixteen Candles upwards of twenty times and being able recite the script word for word, I still seriously contemplated watching it in edited form on VH1 this evening instead of watching The Young and the Restless on SOAPNet.

In my defense, Sixteen Candles has a pre-armpit fetish and dickishness John Cusack, repeated usage of the phrase "oily bohunk" and, of course, Jake Ryan<33 and Y&R has...Gloria, Amber and JT and Victoria. Endless JT and Victoria.

It's not even that Y&R is bad. It's not good, exactly, but it's not an ABC soap, which means that it's practically mediocre and, therefore, a step up in quality from most of the stuff I watch. It just feels like NOTHING happens and whatever does happen goes on for forever and isn't entertaining at all and it doesn't even make sens and it's all very confusing to me. So I have a few questions...

WHY ARE JT AND VICTORIA IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET MARRIED?

The woman just got out of her coma and she's all out and about, rushing around to get hitched. What the hell is wrong with the Newman family? Between this and Nick going back to work immediately after "dying" and getting temporary amnesia, I am beginning to wonder. I know the official party line is that JT and Victoria want to live life to the fullest and not spend another moment apart, or whatever, but what the hell? It takes me longer than that to recover from a head cold.

WHY WERE THERE SIX PEOPLE AT THE WEDDING?

Is the budget situation so dire that they couldn't spring for a few more extras? There are always more people in line at the DMV than there were at that wedding. Shouldn't the Newman heiress have some people at her nuptials? This wedding was even more pathetic than her wedding to Brad which, when one considers that her maid of honor was embroiled in an emotional affair with the groom, is saying something.

DOES ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO SAY "DUDE, SHE RAN YOU OVER" WHENEVER PHYLLIS AND PAUL ARE IN A SCENE TOGETHER?

It's totally just me, isn't it?

HOW LONG WILL NEIL'S PROMOTION LAST?

It seems like Neil always gets these promotions and accolades and then Victor takes them back. I don't know, there comes a time when I think I'd be like "You know what, I'm good. I don't need to be CEO. I'll just keep this high paying job and enjoy the peace that comes with not being jerked around by your whims".

HOW SAD IS IT THAT NOAH (FREAKING NOAH!) IS A HIGHLIGHT?

My feelings on Noah Newman are well documented, but the boy demonstrated some heretofore unseen smarts today when he called Abby to get her advice on how to boot Gloria the hell out of his house. You can say a lot of things about Abby, like that she's creepily robotic, but you can't deny that the girl has the power to give people hell. Remember when she gave Brad and Victoria death glare? If you can't do something yourself, you obviously go to a potentially demonic child to help you do it.

Noah: So I was hoping you'd be here, Abby. I really need your help. There's this witch living with us. She's a total monster. Yeah, and I need to figure out a way to get rid of her. Throw water on her and see if she melts? That's a stupid idea. I didn't mean she was really a witch. It's just a figure of speech. How do I know she's not a real witch? Well, because she's a real person, and Mom and Jack hate her, and I need to figure out a real way to get rid of her. Abby, you are so not helping right now.

He may have written off her plan as stupid, but I think there's some potential there. Can you imagine what would happen to Gloria's wardrobe if it was doused in water?

(I also think she was just bored to here from him and fed him a BS plan just to get him off the phone, because wouldn't you do the same thing? How sad is it that I'm imagining off screen motivation of characters and that my off screen imagined character motivation is way better than anything on screen?)

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT PETER BERGMAN IS GETTING DREAMIER EVERY DAY?

Seriously, the man started out at a ridiculous level of dreaminess and it seems like he gets more and more handsome every day. He needs to be studied by scientists.

ARE THEY SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL HOPE OFF?

The fact that they are mentioning Hope and her need for specialists is not a good sign and if they do this just to kill her off, it will be short-sighted and downright Guza of them. Surely there has to be a better way to introduce Victor Junior to the show.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT MICHAEL SHARES DNA WITH GLORIA AND KEVIN?

Because when he says things like "lame-brained, half-witted, low-functioning caper", it reminds me how much I adore him and then I remember that he's done all sorts of unethical and downright stupid things in the name of protecting his vile mother and I get sad. She doesn't deserve such a hilarious son!

WHAT THE HELL?

Kevin: It's enough to tell you not to give up. Like this-- Jana would totally wear this. Amber: You know, I think she would. And I think she'd look really good in it, too.

Are MURDERERS the hot new judges of fashion? When I go shopping, should I ask myself, "Would Squeaky Fromme wear this?"

Aw, thanks Mallory. I started reading this post and was able to catch the end of Sixteen Candles. (West coast advantage). John Hughes trumps all things soap, any day. Of course, I finished reading your blog, though.

Now, please don't be insulted, but Peter Bergman? Not dreamy to me in the least, nor really all that attractive. Great voice, though. So, I really don't get the infatuation. Jake Ryan, however...mmmm, yessss.

noah hit a growth spurt and miracously got some acting chops. it was like one day he just came on screen 4 inches taller and didnt sound like he was merely trying to remember his memorized lines. it should be kinda fun to watch him now.

ps .. i too got a little frisky when jack was sitting in the cafe with sharon and his shirt was unbottoned and his hair wasnt overly perfect. its nice to see that man not in a suit sometimes ; )

He did sexually harass Bug, try to force her into sex, and then dug a tunnel out of prison to try to get her. He's changed since then, but that craziness fits his family legacy.

I agree Y&R is sluggish right now, although I like JT and Victoria a lot more than most people do. I think I just like looking at that beautiful man and don't really have any opinion on Vicboria, so I settle for this (it's easier than that JT/Korbel/Colleen triangle where the only interesting part was wondering when JT and Korbel would make out).

I don't know why Neil is still around. The character has, outside of Drusilla, never been anything but a lapdog. He serves no purpose without her there.

Oh, duh, Carl, I totally spaced on Michael's unsavory history. I'm just so used to this new Michael who is part of a cute couple and who plays the straight man to the Gloria/Kevin comedy hour. You're totally right, though, there is something lurking in that family tree.

Anonymous, I think Peter Bergman's voice makes up a good percentage of his dreaminess. It's swoon worthy. Although you are so right, Jake Ryan trumps all. "Yes, you!"

I absolutely disagree about Peter Bergman's "dreaminess"!!!!
I often comment that he is really UNattractive, and I think it's gross that Sharon is with him. He is not the least bit good-looking! Yuck!!
Also, just wondering, how could a kid named "Victor Jr" not know that Victor is his father?

"Anonymous, I think Peter Bergman's voice makes up a good percentage of his dreaminess. It's swoon worthy. Although you are so right, Jake Ryan trumps all. 'Yes, you!'"

In the hot words of Jake Ryan, "Yeah, that me." (The perils of posting on a different browser). Since I've been catching this most classic of 80's teen flicks throughout the weekend on TVLand, and thus getting my fill of reciting dialogue along with the script, I'll spare those who know just as much as sad little me. (A quick heads-up for fellow flick geeks: TVLand will be hosting their "OhmiGod, that's so 80's" week starting next Friday and kicking it footloose...)

It seems my unpopular opinion is a bit more popular than I thought, but Mallory, I can totally dig a sexy voice, so crush away. There are far more perplexing wondersucks of soapdom that make me insane.