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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Answers 9 - 10

9. How many sex toys do you own and which do you prefer?

It all depends on my mood I suppose. My most regularly used toy would be the 6.5" Promise Jelly Vibrator. Can't beat it for simulating penile penetration, plus it has tiny little ridges which stroke your clit whilst you thrust it in and out. Great if you want to feel like you are getting fucked; it's definitely my favourite - I have two of them - and use them together, one in front, one in back when the mood takes me.

In terms of DP, the Anal Intruder jelly vibrator (no link on Ann Summers site) is fun too, though I use it more infrequently due to finding the curves of the toy not conducive to my body. (I'm sure they're the wrong way round). I am tempted to purchase the Dual Explorer to replace this toy and may do so shortly.

I also have two sets of vibrating balls, one metal, one plastic - both do the same job, which is to give a wonderful feeling of fullness inside, whilst stimulating the g-spot area. Very delicious, but I find that I need other stimulation (on my clit) to get me off (unlike the Promise above).

Finally I have one mini vibe. It only has one setting (high) and is way too intense for me for clitoral stimulation, but is fun to use to rub the g-spot. I wouldn't use it for a whole session though, more like a starter before the main course.

Personally I am more into penetrative toys, than external (clitoral) ones, hence my not owning a Rabbit (I tried one and disliked it). But I am looking into importing a Hitachi Magic Wand from the USA (hey anything that says it'll give you an orgasm in under 60 seconds is worth trying in my book). If anyone has got any experience of this toy, I'd be interested in getting some feedback on it...

10. Did it ever cross your mind to escort?

When I first received this question, I was very insulted. I thought:

"Typical. A woman writes about her sexual desires, thoughts and experiences and a man jumps to the (ignorant) conclusion that therefore she should work in the sex industry."

And I was about to delete the email immediately. But something in me made me reread it and when I did, I saw that this reader had added:

"I am not trying to suggest that you should do it, 'recruit' you or or anything weird, I am intrigued to know what the decision process might be for a girl to do that. You have all the attributes for success:

1. a voracious sexual appetite
2. a great body
3. from the oblique views, you seem gorgeous
4. you are bright and funny (the real clincher for long-term success BTW!)

so it might have crossed your mind."

And then I thought to myself: good question. Now, can I answer it?

So I have spent the better part of two weeks pondering this question: Would I ever sell my body for money? My immediate gut response is most definitely "No", but I wanted to do this question some justice, so I have tried to look at it with a more open mind.

My feelings about prostitution are mixed. Sure I can read Belle De Jour and feel sisterly support, but could I do her job? Could I undress in front of a man I don't know, pleasure him sexually and then take payment for it? Enjoying sex is one thing; fucking someone as part of a financial transaction is quite another and that brings up a lot of issues for me:

The sexualising and objectifying of women (and girls) in society.
The gender inequality that it's usually (bar the odd Rentboy), women supplying, and men purchasing the sex.
That as women we still don't have sexual freedom in society - we have hypocritical stereotypes that we are labelled with: the slut, the virgin, the sex fiend. How could I give away something that is mine - my sexuality and desire - and accept money in return for it?

But this is capitalism for you: with demand, you need a supply and there are many many women ready to supply this service of sex in return for financial gain. In fact, one could argue that there is something almost Marxist about their profiteering: they own their means of production, there is no surplus labour, and there is no boss exploiting them (I am talking here about escorts, not street walkers with pimps, nor women/girls who have been trafficked into the UK and forced to have sex against their will).

Years ago, I used to think that all prostitution was exploitational and that it should be made illegal. That the men who bought sex were sick despicable fuckers and should be jailed. But getting to know someone (a dominatrix) who worked in the sex industry made me rethink that view somewhat. I watched my friend at work once and I saw that she did not feel exploited with what she did for her client. If anything, she was exploiting him - charging him hundreds of pounds to be punished, degraded and humiliated. Although I did not like the extreme things she was doing to him (which I may blog about in detail at some point) I saw how normal it seemed to her and to him and I thought:

"It's just his sexual fetish. He can't get it anywhere else. What's wrong with that?"

And I realised that it wasn't that far removed from 'regular' prostitution: a client getting (his) sexual needs satisfied, the sex worker making some (good) money in the process. So why do I still feel uncomfortable with it?

I guess that I still feel some disgust with the men who purchase sex, even though some of my male friends have hired escorts. But it makes me angry that it is men who always have the option of buying, women rarely have the same. We always seem to be selling ourselves, why not the other way round? Some people might argue that historically it's only men who have such 'strong' sexual urges that need to be urgently satisfied, that they always want sex and will pay for it if they have to, and that us women don't or wouldn't. For anyone that has read my blog, you and I both know that that is total bollocks. If it was widely available and socially acceptable, I would pay for it too. If it's gonna be for sale there should be some equality in whats on offer - and there most definitely isn't.

One can't deny that there is a male heterosexist hegemony in terms of what's out there, not just in purchasing sex, but in the entire sex industry. Porn is almost wholly directed at straight (or gay) men and yes I do have a problem with that. Even with the advent of Ann Summers and the new 'girlified' sex shops, we still have porn that objectifies women, makes us inhuman - becoming just an 'orifice' and results in us being supposedly devoid of feeling. Not to mention the child porn, or extremely violent material that seems to have become more and more frequent (and more and more in demand?) Surely we should be doing something to change this? But what? Censorship? Hell no. Make our own porn? Maybe. But having a feminist-porn-manifesto about saturating the entire fucking market with some 'female' porn is a whole other argument (and maybe a future blog post too). What I am here to answer is, could I sell my body in return for money?

(On the lower end of the sex-industry scale) I have imagined what it might be like to be a lap dancer. I have thought about what it would be like to have a man want me, to see him be turned on by me, to be the object of his desire and to be able to walk away. Whether this would turn me on, or repulse me. (Both). I have wondered whether being on display this way would just be an extension of my exhibitionist tendencies, or whether I would find it degrading being like a piece of meat on display. And I tried to imagine what I would do if during an intimate dance, I felt the man's desire growing. Whether I would want to reciprocate. Fuel my desire too. Get something in return for my burning pussy. And that this is not that far removed from removing all my clothes, inserting his cock into me and fucking him. Lap dancer to escort, not a huge leap in my mind.

So, what's the big deal? Well, I suppose it comes down to this. The man is the customer. I would be providing a service. My desire is not part of that service, nor would be my satisfaction. The only objective in escorting: (1) to get the client off and (2) to get paid. And it is these two things which disturb me the most.

(1) Because although I adore satisfying my sex partners, I believe in absolute equality in bed. That is: I need and should, get off too. I would not be at all happy if he is the only one getting pleasure. I understand that most prostitutes fake a climax so the client feels 'adequate'; I have not and will not ever fake an orgasm. And certainly not to stroke some guys ego. No point in having sex unless I am gonna get some pleasure too. Call me selfish - that's how I am.

(2) I just don't feel I could deal with accepting money for sexually satisfying someone. Pleasuring someone comes naturally to me. To bring money into the equation confuses things: I don't think I could possibly maintain a (non-fee paying) loving sexual relationship with someone after fucking for money. If anything, it would fuck my head up. And seeing as how I love sex so much, I wouldn't want anything to affect that - or my ability to have great sex with someone.

In conclusion then: whilst the sex industry is not for me, still having lots of sex is. I won't be selling sex as a commodity, but I shall try to understand and support the women who do. And I shall continue being the woman I am, loving sex because I love sex, the only transaction taking place being the consensus between myself and my partner that we are gonna have fun, no matter what...