Man To Man: October 24, 2013

Got The First-Date Jitters?

Welcome to Ian Lang’s advice column, Man to Man, where he answers your questions about, well, everything. Ian is like your friend/older brother/uncle, except he won't make fun of you. Got a question for Ian? Email him at theianlang@gmail.com.

Ian ,

I'm 17 and I've never actually been expected to think about taking a girl anywhere before. Now I'm with this girl I really wanna impress and do something fun but also kinda creative — not just go to the movies. If you could get back to me, that would be awesome.

Ed

Ed,

Oh, to be 17 again. Actually, no, you can keep it. Still, this is a pretty important time for most men. It’s usually when we start going on our first “real” dates, in large part because we’re finally old enough to drive. Beyond that, it’s also when our parents start allowing us to do more “adult” things, like taking someone's daughter on a date unsupervised (why any father allows this to happen is beyond me).

The single most important thing for you to remember is to try your best to ignore your impulse to turn this into something grandiose and over-the-top. I’ve been there. When you first wind up with a girl you’re into, you want to borrow the nicest car you can get your hands on, take her to the most expensive restaurant in town and basically treat her as if you’re goddamned Jay Gatsby. It’s pretty normal to want to do that. As men, we tend to see our investment in women as linear. Flirt a little with her and she flirts a little back. In our minds, it makes sense to just skip the seemingly unnecessary incremental steps and get right to laying it on thick so you can get to whatever you view to be the logical endpoint (at 17, I’m guessing that’s makeouts). I’m telling you, do not do this. You’ll figure this out on your own when you’re in uni and wake up in bed next to a girl whose name you never learned. But please, heed my advice now: Extravagance is rarely the answer.

I agree that going to the movies is a lousy idea, mostly because you can’t talk. If you did want to see a movie, at least make that the first thing you do that night, not the last. That way you have something to talk about afterward. An even better idea is to take her somewhere that’s special to you. I don’t know, maybe there’s a park nearby where your dad used to take you when you were younger. If the weather’s agreeable, pack up a simple picnic lunch and spend the day with her there. Truthfully, your goal is not to impress her in the conventional sense, but rather to share an experience with her. You’d be better off going bowling, renting a paddle boat or even going to an art gallery than you would taking her to the fanciest place you could afford.

You want to give her a chance to get to know you — to see a side of you she doesn't normally see during the day at school or whatever. That’s what helps women fall in love with a guy, when they see something good underneath that they’d like to further explore. You’ll give her that opportunity by putting yourselves in a position where you can bond over something together, while still having a great time. Besides, shooting for the moon really only conveys overeagerness and, I can tell you from experience, nothing turns high school girls off faster. Just do something that’s fun and casual. Do something that gives you a chance to be comfortable with one another and you’ll have a huge edge over the guys who think it’s as easy as wining and dining her.