The Gang Goes to ParisThe women are stoked to finally travel to the Fort Lauderdale of Europe, Paris. Krystal goes dressed as Bad Sandy.

They boat down the Seine. They yell at Paris: "Bonjour Arie!"

Paris is LOVING finally getting some culture up in it.

Lord Harrison meets with Eerie, explaining to him that Paris is, "easily the most romantic city in the world." Eerie can't believe what an emotional journey this has been: "These feelings are like, so strong." Eerie mentions the Becckkaahs and Tia. Guessing they make Hometowns.

Lord Harrison announces the date number breakdowns, including the first two-on-one. Yussss. Krystal knows she's been getting the Villain Edit and already assumes she's on it: "I wonder who will be on the Two-on-One with me... There’s been a target on my back."

LB One-on-One DateThey make the rest of the women watch LB and Eerie go on their date from the boat. LB: "All the girls are really jealous." Eerie: “That’s OK.” That's OK. That's kinda the whole point of all of this. They wander around Paris and get the Silence Edit. Eerie: “Look at how pretty that is.” LB: “Wow.”

QUICK, LB! TELL HIM ABOUT HOW FLEXIBLE YOUR SCHEDULE IS AGAIN!!!

Eerie: “Sometimes I get the sense like maybe Lauren isn’t very into me.”

Eerie: “I have a crush on you and I want you to like me.” Eerie repeatedly says that she's so hot that he wants it to work.

Back at the Hotel…
Jacqueline says she’s been "completely out of [her] comfort zone" 100% of the time on these dates with Eerie.

BEST WAY TO FIND LOVE

Back on the Date…Eerie cheerses LB with another creepy AF WINK. Eerie: “It’s pretty good.” LB: “Heh. Heh.” They talk about how overwhelmed they were by all the crowds. K. Eerie tells her how he barely can get anything out of her but "the little moments I see I really love."

You barely speak, but the split second of humanity I see in you justifies me keeping you around for solely being hot

LB: "I usually put people in the friend zone for 6 months." Eerie then reveals some insane shit out of left field, about how his Ex who was a Mom was "actually pregnant with my child.” Then she miscarried while he was out of town and dumped him.

Yeah, I know I made the lead-up to this story sound like a story of me being cheated on and how it became hard to trust but it's actually a story of me neglecting my pregnant girlfriend up until her miscarriage.

LB now feels comfortable to admit: "I actually was engaged to my last ex." Eerie responds with a childish side frown. LB: “I thought that he was my person I was going to be with the rest of my life. As soon as we got engaged he was cool with not treating me well anymore.” LB starts crying. Eerie comforts her: “I think you worry too much... I know that you’re beautiful but you’re much more than that to me.” He gives her the rose. Shoot me in the fucking face.

Moulin Rouge Group Date

Becca: “When I think of Paris, I think of the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre. I think of burlesque shows.” You do??

When I think of Paris, I think of the three cultural icons: the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and competing with a bunch of women in thongs for a dryer-sheet-come-to-life's affection.

I want whatever drugs Straddler Jenna is on: “This is amazing. This is like, probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” Tia continues in her role of Colorful Narrator: “Their outfits are thongs. Um, yeah.”

Seinne thinks she has an advantage because she "grew up dancing." Becca K: “I’ve never been in more pain in an outfit before.”

I’ve been forced to wear uncomfortable outfits on every date Eerie and I have been on so far. So I guess I must be really into him to have gone through all this shit!

Whoever gets the rose gets to go on stage and dance with Arie. That sounds like a punishment though? OMG EERIE’S OUTFIT!!!

THEY HAVE TO BLACK BOX ALL THEIR OUTFITS AS THEY PERFORM.

Yes, I definitely deserve this Booty Parade.

Later at Drinks…
After the women spent the whole day performing naked sexy dances to win extra time with Eerie, he reneges on this threat for the SECOND ep in a row. I wish Krystal was here to double down on her liar accusations. Eerie: "It’s not based off today. It's based off my connection. So, with that, Tia will you join me." SO WITH THAT should be on Eerie's gravestone.

Tia: "That was the most insecure freaked out moment of my life." Eerie: "I feel like we have something really cool and special and I love it." Tia: "I find myself daydreaming about you and about us." Full-blown Stockholm Syndrome.

Eerie has Pillow Time with his baby Tinkerbex. Tinkerbex: “It’s hard for me to believe other peoples’ relationships are progressing at that rate.”

Seinne lies that she thinks "it’s good [the judging] is not about the dancing." Eerie to Seinne: “If you can, just don’t put up many walls.” Seinne says, "I’m really happy to be in Paris with you" in French. Eerie, completely devoid of culture or any fucking interesting thing to say: “Aww. I love that.” He doesn't love it as much as he loves Tinkerbex though, who gets the rose.

Later at Tinkerbex’s Performance…​Erie lip-syncs French and it's awful and he looks like a fucking clown and I get more and more frustrated that he's espoused as "the best" America has to offer.

HA they make the other women watch this performance.

They have Pillow Time on stage... then backstage... then in front of the windmill. This season is basically just a Pillow Time Super Cut, inter-spliced with Krystal talking shit.

Back at the Hotel…
The women find out Taxidermist is gonna be versus Cruel Krystal. Krystal to camera: "Can we talk about how much Kendall shit her pants?" Krystal keeps poking at Kendall. Krystal: "She’s shaking. She’s so nervous. How boring are the other relationships? I mean really. Baby, I’m wife material. Fun wife material.”

Taxidermist vs. Cruel Krystal
They haven’t brought up Krystal’s homeless brother recently in order to keep portraying her as the villain. Eerie ditches Taxidermist and Krystal in a maze. We see several The Shining shots of Krystal as they're both forced to do this stakesless task. ​Krystal finds Eerie first and it's NOTHING.

Eerie and KrystalEerie is wearing makeup again? Eerie: "Things have gone downhill since [our first date]. If I see that same Krystal as in Fort Lauderdale, that’ll make this decision easy."

Fort Lauderdale Krystal better not come back here. I told her to GIT! It's Scottsdale Krystal or BUST.

Eerie to Krystal: "I’m not punishing you... Come to me instead of saying things in the car and to the other ladies that called my character into question.” Krystal: "I don’t want to throw away all the color, all the texture, and depth of our relationship."

I'm not punishing you. I'm just giving the most stressful date possible to make you think about how you've disappointed me, you see?

After some confidence-imbuing Pillow Time, Krystal makes a BOLD move, shitting on Kendall, and it FUCKING WORKS!!!: "I don’t know if Kendall’s ever been in love. I don’t think she’s actually in a position for getting married." Eerie: “You think Kendall wouldn’t be emotionally ready?” Krystal: “Yeah, I guess I am saying that.”

Yeah, I guess I agree with YOU talking major shit on Kendall.

Krystal: “I feel like I was working through a challenge with my boyfriend... I feel 99% sure she’s going home tonight.”

Eerie and Kendall
Eerie tells Taxidermist that Krystal threw her under the bus. Kendall looks like that woman from 24 (Kim Raver). Kendall: "It’s pretty cruel. She felt she needed to say negative things about me… It’s about winning for Krystal."

Kendall confronts Krystal. Kendall: “In what way do you feel like I’m not ready? You don’t know and you acted as if you do know.” Krystal: “Why are you here?” Kendall tries to give Krystal some wisdom: “I’ve dated someone like you before. In the face of conflict… saying the thing most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win. It means you hurt someone... You’ve been through a lot… more pain that I can understand…"

Krystal dgaf though, "I don’t really have words." Eerie comes back and can’t make a decision so they’re both going to dinner. COOL.Krystal and Kendall at Dinner
​They're "eating" in front of the Eiffel Tower. ​

Krystal to Taxidermist: “I don’t want your advice on how I should live my life. I have a lot of emotions and I feel.” Kendall: “Krystal lives in a delusion. She tried to say a lot of things to hurt me.”

Tinkerbex: “No one thought Trump was going to win the election. And looky, here we are.” I love her.

Eerie grabs Taxidermist. Did Eerie not have on-on-one time with Krystal? They don’t show it. Eerie gives rose to Kendall. Krystal smiles through it.

BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR COLORS AND TEXTURE?!?!

Eerie: “Krystal I’m very sorry. I know this wasn’t easy for you to be here. It’s always hard to say goodbye but it’s especially hard to say goodbye to you.” They leave Krystal at the table alone. Krystal: “This is such bullshit. I’m floored. FLOORED.”

Back at the Cruise Hotel…
Producers grab Krystal’s suitcase. The women pop the now-traditional villain-going-home-champagne.

Back on the Date…They go to top of Eiffel Tower. Kendall’s rose is down to a nub now.

Cruel Krystal: "I don’t need love to feel fulfilled but I really want it… I just want to feel like, accepted and good enough." She cries and everyone on this show and maybe everyone in general is broken. She gazes out the window at the Eiffel tower where Taxidermist and Eerie are having Le Pillow Time.

Jacqueline One-on-One

Jacqueline: “It felt like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like, if you don’t learn to ride this pony by the end of the day it will be shot.” HA. Their car breaks down immediately. Eerie, the CAR EXPERT, tries and fails to fix it. I bet they reference Jacqueline's ability to just "go with the flow" because she doesn't immediately kill herself when the fancy Bachelor transportation doesn't work.

Eerie: "We’re going to do a little shopping to get you ready." GROSS. Another date where Eerie dresses up someone. Eerie's so vanilla and dumb. Eerie re: decorations: “What period would this be? You know what I mean?”

Eerie: "I love how I’m sort of making your Paris dream come true."

I love how I'm sort of fulfilling your life's dreams right now right? How I'm so benevolent, right?

Jacqueline starts crying because she doesn’t want to say goodbye in case he’s not OK with her staying in another state and finishing her PHD.

I KNOW how much he wants a woman with a flexible schedule

Jacqueline: "I was a little worried that I’m an experiment rather than someone you’re really into." Eerie says he wants lives to fit together but he’s picking all people whose lives wouldn’t: "So with that, Jacqueline will you accept this rose." Eerie: "I don’t really see her ambitions and dreams as a hindrance. Just another obstacle." Pillow Time in green staircase.

AND NOW, A PILLOWY TREAT FROM THE SEXIEST ERA OF ALL

Rose Ceremony

Roses for Tia, Seinne, and Becca. Mom Chelsea and Straddler Jenna go home. They use the possibility of Becca K going home as a cliffhanger? Haaaa. She's still my pick for winner.

Eerie tells them they’re going to Tuscany and cackles evilly. Cool. So happy he's the captain of our emotional roller coaster... This tweet was meant for Justin Timberlake but I feel like it's perfect for Eerie also: