The sense of community within the art department here is something that has been deliberately constructed by people over the years. There are complex rituals of art openings, fizzy punch, and postcards that are required of just about everyone, and these chronic behaviors sustain the system.

I stink at this polite ceremony of eating mini hot dogs while chatting about student work ... I just don't care about it. I am not fond of the routine, have never been close to my fellow majors, and since my stint in figure drawing last year, I have felt distanced from the department in general. I am rarely aware of openings, and thus rarely go unless a teacher takes it upon his or herself to let me know about the times. When I do attend, keep my comments to myself and I don't stay for very long if escape is possible. Some community contributor I am!

...

People who realize that I am nearing the end of my college stint persist in asking me what I want to do/where I am going to graduate school/what kind of field I am interested in/what amazing thing am I going to accomplish once I have obtained a degree. It's like the end of high school all over again, except I am constantly warned that the consequences for indecision will be even greater this time around.

I have to answer you with "I don't know," because I honestly don't. It's strangely difficult to imagine a life beyond the "now" of my existence ... for so long have I seen myself as "Midwestern kiddy academic," it almost feels like I can't restate myself to you without the simple act of ending this phase and doing something else. I can't say where I'm going or what I'm going to do until I've gone. While I'm here, I'm still ... a simple student with mundane concerns.

Where will I go? What will I do? It's both a positive and a negative that I cannot define these things. All I can say is that I don't want to stay "here."