October 1, 2015

The NY Times posted a list of 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man and it’s so off-base that I am wondering WHO their target audience was intended to be. I can’t help but feel that it is my duty to correct this drivel. Not quite a fisk… but here we go.

27 Ways to Be a REAL Modern Man.

When the REAL modern man buys shoes for his spouse… just kidding. We don’t. We wouldn’t buy them jeans. We wouldn’t buy them shoes. We buy them a gift certificate because there’s no woman in the history of the world that thinks it’s a good idea to let her man pick out her clothes.

The REAL modern man does let petty crap bother him. His confidence may be sunk, but he gets on with his day and gets the job done, then worries about how his feelings are hurt.

The REAL modern man is considerate, but practical. If you’re in a theater, you can expect to hear people eating popcorn. Your popcorn isn’t going to drown out the best kissing scenes in Twilight. Hey, why are you in a theater screening of Twilight?

The REAL modern man has no problem sending a crappy piece of meat back to the chef. If you’re paying good money for a chunk of dead animal, that animal had better be cooked the way it was requested. How is it getting charred? It shouldn’t be cooked past medium. If the REAL modern man has cooked his own steak, he eats all of it so he learns to do it properly next time.

The REAL modern man parks wherever he wants and if his spouse or kids are tired and he wants to be nice, he can park closer. His parking-lot hunting must not interfere with others in the lot.

Before the REAL modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his phone is charging. Every family member for themselves! They won’t figure out that they screwed up if you don’t let them screw up once in a while.

The REAL modern man buys whatever is tasty. If you walk into his house looking for a Coke, he’ll ask you what kind. Then you can ask for a Mountain Dew. The REAL modern man may call all of them ‘pop’ because that’s what people do in a civilized world.

The REAL modern man uses whatever name for items is in common usage. “Get to the choppah!” is the perfect vernacular.

Having a daughter makes the REAL modern man beg for forgiveness wondering what he could have possibly done to bring that upon himself. Once he’s over that, he protects her. With guns. (See below)

The REAL modern man helps with dishes because it’s not a woman’s job. It’s not a man’s job. It’s a job that needs to be done. If some of the dishes have water on them still… too bad. A little water never killed nobody. A quick shake of the dish does a good enough job.

The REAL modern man doesn’t know what pinning a tweet is. No, really. What is pinning a tweet?

The REAL modern man replaces the bar of soap when it’s small enough to fit through the tiny holes in the drain. If it’s not that small, there’s usable soap.

The REAL modern man listens to whatever he wants*. Jim Croce is a fine example.
(*Justin Bieber, Iggy Azalea, or One Direction are not valid sources of musical entertainment for the REAL modern man.)

The REAL modern man buys whatever needs to be bought and if that means his spouse emailed his shopping list to him, then that’s just fine.

The REAL modern man doesn’t choose the flooring in his house. He’s likely not the one that will be cleaning it the most, so it’s not his choice in the matter. When he cleans it, he gets to pick. Kitchens and Dining Rooms are exceptions and tile or hardwood are both acceptable.

The REAL modern man lies where he’s comfortable because he’s helped his spouse prepare for the unlikely event of a home invasion and he knows that a Momma Bear getting to her cubs is the most violent and majestic scene any REAL modern man could witness. The REAL modern man will use judicious marksmanship to stop the intruder and provide covering fire for his spouse.

The REAL modern man probably has a melon baller. His spouse probably bought it. It’s in that drawer down on the end with all of the other weird kitchen gadgets are that you don’t know how to use.

The REAL modern man buys shoes that fit and doesn’t need a shoehorn. Hipster.

The REAL modern man does indeed buy fresh flowers ‘just because.’ Ain’t no shame in keeping her happy.

On occasion, the REAL modern man is the little spoon. She should expect to be gassed as soon as his brain hits REM. She may not complain of this, for she asked for it.

The REAL modern man is allowed to scold his children any time they waste food that he paid for.

The REAL modern man doesn’t care what he looks like when grabbing the paper in the morning.

The REAL modern man probably has some Michael Mann movies in his collection, but it’s not a collection of Michael Mann movies.

The REAL modern man makes sure his phone is charged for use. 10% or 90%, it’s all the same if you can make a call on it.

The modern man has many uses for guns. He owns several and is looking for more. “How many guns do you need to buy?” “More.” He’s not afraid of a chunk of metal sitting in a safe.

The REAL modern man cries. During ‘Old Yeller’ or the death of his parents. Ok, Band of Brothers is acceptable.

The REAL modern man doesn’t much dance and when he does, he doesn’t care what he looks like.