Digging up dirt on Hillary ‘only makes her stronger’

A panel of science fiction writers, herpetologists and Republican strategists are advising everyone to stop trying to expose Hillary Clinton’s deviousness, as doing so only makes her stronger and will ensure she wins the presidency in 2016.

Lewis P. Sterne, who writes novels about wormholes and time-travelling oil industry lobbyists, says Clinton is the political equivalent of a superdense neutron star, and that any missiles fired at her merely add to her overall mass and strength.

“I’d say she’s like Godzilla, growing ever more powerful from the nuclear weapons meant to defeat her, but that would be an understatement,” Sterne said. “Stop attacking her, now, before she takes over the solar system.”

Christophe Palmier, a expert in geckos, skinks and other lizards that are capable of regrowing appendages, says there’s really no point in criticizing the former first lady, and in fact doing so will only hasten her victory.

“If we draw everyone’s attention to the fact she’s got her pale hand in the cookie jar, the hand falls off and a rainbow-colored claw regrows in its place,” Palmier said. “Highly unusual for a mammal.”

Clinton’s adversaries in the GOP are also beginning to understand just how hopeless their predicament really is.

“We’re totally screwed,” said Silvia van Studden, a political consultant who worked on the campaigns of both Mitt Romney in 2012 and John McCain in 2008. “The more damning and putrid the garbage we dig up on Hillary, the more people are convinced it’s all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Her rottenness is transposed to us.”

The panel is asking the Republican National Committee to just throw in the towel now and save everyone the trouble of a long and costly presidential campaign. Republicans can have another go at the White House in 2024, they say, assuming Chelsea Clinton doesn’t run, in which case the GOP will need to wait until 2032.