i feel as thought i've beeen taken aback a bit. drawing inward, never a good thing.

i'm really getting into my books, into my games. it's not a realistic world, but it eases things. i feel less alone if somehow i can escape and not focus on the lonliness. of course, it doesn't change my reality...just takes it away for awhile. i'm thinking maybe this isn't healthy, i did this years ago in school. not paying any attention, but to the dreams or stories going on inside my head.

i am working on packing and moving. so i have been pretty isolated the past few days. i can tell- it's starting to wear. and i want to talk to Him. but i feel if i do i won't be able to handle all the emotions that come with facing all that. i DON'T want to be in the hospital again. i'm such a fool, i sit here so scared, i'm not even moving. not even going in circles, frightened that i will not be able to control everything my heart will spill. it's the saddest feeling, it's a feeling of cowardice. it's shameful.