Amy Winehouse Appointed UK 'Wellness' Tsarina

Troubled entertainer Amy Winehouse was given a boost yesterday night when she was appointed the UK's 'Wellness Tsarina' by a secretive group of Whitehall string-pullers.

The post, although unsalaried, will allow Winehouse to tour the world in order to conduct meetings with similarly appointed public figures from places such as the south of France, Marbella, the Caribbean, Australia, Hawaii, Goa, and Rio De Janeiro.

Accompanying Winehouse on her mission will be her newly appointed Personal Advisor, Pete Doherty out of Babyshambles.

At a hastily convened press conference in a pub near Charing Cross station, some civil servant guy in a crumpled suit with dandruff on the collar and threadbare cuffs told us that the Winehouse appointment was a matter of common sense. In order to have a 'Wellness' Tsarina, he explained, we need somebody who understands what it feels like to be really not well.

So that they can explain to people who aren't at all well how to get well, and to people who are well, how to avoid falling unwell.

"It's all about Wellness," he told us.

We asked where Pete Doherty fit into all of this, and he explained that because Mr Doherty had experienced 'Unwellness' himself, that he was in a position to advise people who are unwell to get well, and to advise people who are well, how to avoid falling unwell.

Which led us to the question: What exactly is Wellness?

It seems that Wellness means that you go jogging and bike riding and eating a healthy diet, not drinking alcohol, and definitely not smoking.So that you don't have any sick time off work, thus saving employers a fortune in sickness payments.

And if people still get sick? We enquired.

"They won't," we were confidently assured. "Because we've got Amy and Pete on the case."

More as we get it.

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