Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Judging States Scientifically: Massachusetts

Today we're going to learn about the importance of judging states based on nothing but what the evidence offers us. Otherwise we risk bringing in an outside bias formed by misinformation and deceit practiced by the 24-hour news networks and spin alleys. When you become a scientist, you learn to leave all preconceptions at the door, because otherwise you're tainting the scientific process.

We're not judging the coin by the state but rather the state by the coin. And only the coin. This is the only sensible way to do things. It is the way of Science.

Anyway, today's quarter is Massachusetts. The analysis, as always, is after the jump.

In the original thread, Warren_et commented, "That's a shame about the Mass quarter. After all they are well known for their scallops. Missed a huge chance there."

I don't blame him for making this mistake, I hadn't specified the parameters yet. Let's take a look at that quarter.

See, Massachusetts' quarter is one of the better ones. That's a guy with an antique rifle. Someone says that Massachusetts is famous for scallops and that quarter and I call bullshit, sir. Otters and Saint Jameses are famous for scallops. Massachusetts is clearly famous for having guns and displaying them in such a way as that you will notice it and your tears will cry for America, great land of the patriots. There is not a single scallop on that quarter, unless you're trying to be funny and say the quarter has scalloped edges.

Also note that this Massachusettsan is holding an antique rifle. Antique rifles were very, very hard to shoot with. I once tried to shoot a man with one and ended up blowing a hole in one of the library walls. That took a lot of Spackle to fix. It also takes a lot of time to reload them, too, so after I missed I was just like "screw it."

Notice, too, that they have pinned a tiny star to their state, and we all know what that symbolizes. Massachusetts is declarin' itself sheriff of these here colonies, pardner, so if you could go ahead and chip out a gravestone once you rob a bank that would be mighty fine of you, since it'd save time for all concerned, indeed. Of course this is incredibly unconstitutional, but I don't think anyone has worked up the nerve to tell Massachusetts and besides, sheriffs went out of style after Gunsmoke was cancelled, so mainly it doesn't cause a problem these days.

So, back to the weapon: what is Massachusetts saying here? Oh, nothing, just that they only need one shot--and that shot only needs to have a "better than impossible" chance of hitting you (I mean, the dude is not even looking in the same direction as his gun). That is straight up hardcore. Other states can pussyfoot around with a switchblade or hulk out and pull a howitzer on you, but Massachusetts will flat-out shoot you in the gut with a musket ball and leave you there to die. Other states may stab or blast to smithereens, but when it comes to a cold, solid, pure embodiment of the idea, Massachusetts is king, which means that today's state is

Quotes from Nimby's Dust Jacket

"Today I learned that Nimby absolutely SHREDS at poetry knowledge."--Sa9jev

"Someone give Nimby a multimillion-dollar film deal right the hell now"--El Chupanibre

"...at which point nimby, as his [sic] his way, hit the thread like a goddamn thunder bolt."--AceJustice

"Little known fact, Nimby received an award for his one-man performance of Hamlet."--Captain Bravo

"I'll ante up with both an English degree and a law degree and approve of both of [Nimby's] improvements. Doubt no more, this is how it should read. ...It's just such wonderfully poetic phrasing."--Lee Manfighter

"I've been in this situation a few times and unfortunately, Nimby and Wong are never around to help." --Switchblade

"Nimby gave you what you need, but I feel I should say something, because I am a real, live English teacher.

Nimby is fucking awesome. That is all."--misskay222

"There's a hooker chained to the wall of [Nimby's] basement"--Mr. Bitterman