Carnival Cruise Lines needs to learn a lesson in public relations from the White House. First of all, never admit to any wrongdoing, even if the people you represent are knee-deep in s#!t. Cruise line customers, much like voters, are simply not qualified to understand what they are experiencing. They are obviously leaping to pessimistic conclusions about the reality around them.

“Stop being so negative,” urged Carnival Cruise Lines president Janus Jacobson. “People need to focus on the positive, and the cruise experience will be more rewarding.”

She then went on to explain that “you create your own reality” and that the only reason passengers were covered in s#!t is because “they brought that on board with them like baggage.” It’s the Law of Attraction, right? Thus, it’s all the passengers’ fault.

Jacobson went on to explain away specific concerns that have been brought to her attention by sickened passengers who described barely surviving in “vile” conditions:

• Those plastic bags handed out to passengers to defecate into are actually a new “green technology” known as “recycled food reclamation receptacles.”

• The mattresses strewn across the decks in a shantytown arrangement aren’t any sort of negative vacation experience; it’s actually all part of a new feature called “ocean-side camping.”

• Passengers aren’t actually knee-deep in s#!t. Instead, they are enjoying yet another new feature of Carnival Cruise Lines called “composting at sea” where passengers get to see their own feces turned into compost to grow salad greens served on the next Carnival cruise!

A d v e r t i s e m e n t

• The lack of food on the cruise is part of Carnival’s new “surprise weight loss experience” designed to reverse the 10 – 15 pounds customers usually gain on a cruise.

• The smell of smoke in the rooms, caused by the engine catching fire and burning up, was actually just an “delightful aroma of roasted coffee” that Carnival says was really coming out of the kitchen, not the engine room.

• The lack of electricity and air conditioning is part of Carnival’s new age “sweat lodge cleansing experience,” complete with vomiting and near-death experiences, both of which are designed to induce “spiritual visions” and turn you into a master of enlightenment.

As the Triumph docked this evening, Carnival Cruise Lines CEO Janus Jacobson declared victory for the passengers, saying, “This is the first cruise ever offered in which passengers actually lost weight rather than gaining it. People who want to lose weight will now be lining up to join our next cruise, featuring an all-you-can-eat parasite cleanse buffet with roasted black walnut hulls and castor oil.”

See, there’s nothing so bad that it can’t be explained away using the same logic that the federal government uses to report unemployment numbers or inflation. Heck, passengers should be thanking Carnival Cruise Lines for delivering such an unforgettable Gulf of Mexico cleansing experience!