Private Pain, Public Remarks

Why do people think my private dating life is up for public discussion?

I sometimes wonder if people realize that a slight comment can cause so much pain. Why is it that just because your plight is well-known, people assume they can ask you anything about it, in public? Couples who are childless, people who are sick or disfigured, someone who is having business trouble or going through a divorce; the list goes on.

Being single in a marriage-minded world is my public experience of pain.

I cringe at the thought of so many people being aware of my challenge (in the community I live in, being single is viewed as a major life challenge). I’m forced to speak about very private things and answer questions I would never ask someone else. The ease with which people talk to me about dating and my private life is so hurtful and throws me off guard.

I have started grading painful words on a scale of 1 to 10; it makes me feel better and helps me reframe people’s idiocy into “what were they thinking?” so I can have a laugh. Yes, everyone means well, but if I hear another one of these expressions again any time soon…

Each date is bringing you closer to the right one.

This will be the year.

I just don't know anyone good enough for you.

At a Shabbos table, small children look up at me and ask if I have a husband and why not. Last week in the kosher grocery store I was cornered by a loud busy body who heard there was a guy in my age range in town. I was going to ask her if he had a pulse or should I just jump at it because in this market a gal shouldn't be picky.

“What should we say?” The answer is most often, “Nothing.”

Words are powerful. People don't mean to throw stones and cause pain; they may really be concerned and caring. People want to know, “What should we say?” and the answer is most often, “Nothing.” The key is to think before you speak. Evaluate if it could possibly cause any pain. If the answer is yes, then don't say it.

We like to know all the news and be involved, but it shouldn’t be at someone else’s expense. If a painful topic comes up perhaps recognizing that you don’t have anything to say and admitting it is a show of support. You don’t have to have all of the answers.

No one means to say things that break your heart. They just don't realize that when you say goodbye to them you want to lie in bed and cry. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I was the recipient of so many of these “concerned comments.” I really believe God is teaching me to be more sensitive. When I see someone in a situation I don‘t understand or cannot relate to, I have to stop myself before I speak. I don't know how they feel. I don’t know what will make them cringe and want to hide. Maybe what I am about to say will really hurt them.

Perhaps God has made me the receiver of so many "sticks and stones" so I could be more careful with others. When I want to ask an inappropriate question with no real reason I think twice. Sensitivity seems to be a real exercise which requires lots of training. God gave me the opportunity to have a lot of training, and if it means I can prevent someone else from hurting, doesn’t that make it a blessing?

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 67

(67)
michaltastik,
August 29, 2011 10:45 AM

They care soooo much... BUT

My parents and grandparents have passed. I recently graduated college. No one came to my graduation and I did ask... when holidays come, it's so uncomfortable, but you bet your sweet sugar people care about personal things like my dating life, my job search and such. I feel like if people care, they should be around when I'm alone
Odd cog, "Oh, I dont' know... why don't you have tact??"
LOVE IT!!!! I will use that!!!!
Aaron (4am) umm... see that's the problem.. the men don't even want to get married. Why should they? THEY aren't made to feel uncomfortable all the time.
"WHY you are single is no one's business but yours."
furthermore, I'm not sure we even know. I mean, I guess I'm living my life and time slips away but it doesn't seem like guys want to get married. Or so, they all say they aren't looking for a relationship... unless they are so bad I want to hurl and I would feel mortified to be in public with them....
Agreed about #6 wait til they tell you how great and NORMAL a guy is and he shows up to be 30 years older, "volunteering" (no job), wasteful of his money and mentally retarded...
"But I think most pple don't want others to feel isolated, "
then they should have you over for a Shabbos or holiday, not pry into your personal business.
"I prefer not to discuss that, but thank you for your concern"
I have been screamed at for not wanting to tell things I consider personal... LIke people asking my last name at a Shabbos meal and they aren't even the hosts. They don't need that information. Also, it doesn't work. People keep asking...

(66)
Anonymous,
March 17, 2011 7:01 AM

Oh boy! Can I relate...

The one that gets me is "you have to put more effort into it, man..."
Wow!!! That one is really really gets to me.
Here is the thing, just like you said, people don't realize how #(*&$)(*&_ their comments are. And they don't mean to hurt you.
On the other hand, you are not a punching sack, and there is no need to just take it.
So I don't get upset, I just mention, hey dude, that is a really stupid thing to say, do you have any idea how hard I tried? Why would you say that? I'm going through a hard time, so think before you talk.
That way this silly person will learn to be less (@*&^$)#(*@)(*&
Wishing you much success

(65)
César,
February 22, 2011 3:34 AM

Todah

I want to thank for this article, it was so revealing, and for myself who has being in some similar matters is refreshing. I'm not a Jew (not yet.. i still looking for conversion) but I familiarize with the concept of awkward questions... and most of the time.. impossible answers.. Shalom

(64)
anon,
August 10, 2010 7:23 PM

what happened to good manners

isn't it rude to comment on people's lives?

(63)
Anon,
August 10, 2010 7:14 PM

to no. 1

First of all, I want to say, genuinely, thank you for caring. In response to your question, this is my experience.
I had to tell some of my friends who care, but drove me crazy with their caring, to stop. They asked me what they can do. My response was if you want to do something, you can daven for me and suggest suitable men.
Please understand that a single Jewish woman receives these comments many times a week. It is very tiring, and it is not alleviated by the speaker's good intentions.

(62)
Anonymous,
February 9, 2010 7:53 AM

Give them something gushy!

When I got fed up with exactly what your talking about. I gave them something really gushy. Like when they wanted to know every detail what I did on my days off. I realize they asked so many questions because I didn't tell them much about myself that they were curious about my life. So I started talking. I found things to tell them, even if I didn't tell them everything. And one thing most people are uncomfortable with is if you talk about God. I finally made my point, Just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't have some privacy. Which was important to me. Also an older woman told me to say when someone asked something I didn't want to answer, was to say "why do you want to know for" It really did work!

(61)
Julia Arango,
December 2, 2009 1:09 AM

pain on hearing insensitive remarks

People don't usually mean to be insensitive, but being single is painful. Married people forget this. If you don't have anything to offer, say nothing. Don't ask. If you have a possibility, just say ," Shoshana, I might have a guy for you. Would you be interested in hearing about him??" I haven't spoken to my mom in over a year because the last time I called her she asked me if there was anyone. I told her that I had told her before that I would tell her something if there were anything to tell. But she insists on asking, so I don't call. I hate the idea that I haven't spoken to her in well over a year, but I don't want any more questions about this topic.

(60)
rochel,
November 25, 2009 1:33 AM

So what is the right thing to say????

Everyone at every stage in lfe gets their "peckel", and being single is just more obvious for all to see- I'm sure everyone making those comments cares about you they just don't know what to say that won't be offensive???

(59)
Anonymous,
November 22, 2009 10:14 AM

Damn Straight

I am in the same boat as this writer. This issue of piping up with opinions and advice about personal matters effects people across a broad range of life situations and it must stop! Obviously some areas are more sensitive than others, but it seems highly apparent that the person giving the opinion has no idea about what you're going through, or doesn't mind. And that's judging favourably.
For me, I try to get something out of a bad situation. At the very least, one can learn how NOT to be from an individuals comments and remarks.

(58)
Anonymous,
November 17, 2009 11:38 PM

Our existence is proved by other's comments

We all talk about the light and we do because light exists. When we say something about the light is because we have knowledge of it, perceive it, see it and use it, etc. and sometimes we may say something bad about the light, but it is because we always expect to get a perfect light, since we know that light is inherently perfect. Sometimes, a person can get hurt by the words of others, but when we learn to discover the intent of those comments and listen to that unheard voice that is behind the comment, then we are indeed, receiving the true message. Our existence, will never be out of the comments of those who have perceive it in their minds.

(57)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2009 2:20 PM

What do you say to these people?

Did you ever explain your feelings to the people who say these things to you? Did you ever tell them how you would prefer them to speak to you? If you could choose your interactions, how would you like people to speak with you?

(56)
Sharon,
November 8, 2009 11:09 AM

To No. 53

Sorry, but that's one big cliche, that response of yours. You are most certainly married, or you wouldn't have turned to Yachna remarks. This may come as a surprise, but single people, despite the lonliness, don't spend their days crying, venting or in self pity. We work, travel, have many hobbies AND YES, we smile & laugh while doing them, from the bottom of our hearts, no faking. Nosie, Yenta remarks, have nothing to do with what we are projecting, read all the other comments, and face it Ma'am: some people are just rude by nature, enjoy bragging & gossiping and most of all: enjoy looking down at people. I myself, can not judge them for the better.

(55)
monica,
November 7, 2009 11:56 PM

I hear ya ladies!

I find this to be a very interesting and personal topic. I often get remarks like these all the time. I laugh it off and often make a joke. Buts its incredibly rude and being a private person I do not appreciate having to openly talk about my private dating life to people I barely see throughout the year. I think people have to be more sensitive but I obviously cant ask for this. But maybe individuals should realize that not everything is up for discussion. And most of the time its not an issue of a women of age not dating enough but finding the right person and until we do we do not need to disclose every step or detail of the process. I guess I am just venting but what can a single gal do. To everyone out there dealing with ignorant people, I hear ya, and keep being the strong ladies we all are. Usually these women who get these comments are the most interesting people I know.

(54)
Devora,
November 7, 2009 9:17 PM

An answer to why get married (which so many of you asked)

So many of you are reading something that is not there. She never says that what pains her is being single.. she says that it's people's comments are what causes her so much pain. And there is a huge difference!!! think about it.
Now to answer many of your questions on why religious people want to get married..
Hashem commands us in parshat kedoshim in the book of Levitacus (Vayikra) To be Kadosh, "Kadoshim Tihiyu" which is usually translated as "you shall make yourself holy". So what does holiness/ Kadosh mean? It means connecting yourself to Hashem. The idea of a jew is to live a life of Holiness or Kedusha. We call the act marriage Kedushin (meaning holiness, same root as kadosh) So one way achieve this Kedusha or connection with G'd is through marriage (which doesnt mean if you are not married you are not kadosh/holy/connected to G-d. There are other ways to be connected/ kadosh). Enough said. This by the way, does not give anyone the right to comment or judge anyone else's sitiuation. And there is a felt pressure in certain communities to get married young,This is because judaism places great value on the home. All this said, a girl should only get married when SHE wants to, and feels ready, and not for any other reason. I find the author's way of dealing with her these painful comment to be very positive, we should all be able to meet our personal challenges with the same senserity and possitivity the author shows. Thanks.

(53)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2009 3:28 PM

What do you expect?

If your biggest problem, the one that keeps you up at night, the one that makes you cry, the one that causes so much pain, is commented on by others, what do you expect? They are only reflecting what you are projecting. Why do you assert the pain is private? If you are in so much pain, it is not likely private. Would you prefer no one to care? Granted, people are not always tactful, but they wouldn't bother to say anything if they don't care. It's too bad Jewish schools don't teach people how to properly interact with others on a day to day basis in between teaching other courses. If you don't want people's comments to get to you, then you need to project something else for them to reflect back to you--how about a strong, grateful, fulfilled, good woman? You'll see that people comment less and less, if only because you don't notice and aren't bothered by the words as much. It's worth a try.

(52)
BF,
November 6, 2009 2:33 PM

Elkana and Chana

Aish, to their great credit, faces the challenge of appealing to a culturually and religiously diverse audience. Marriage in the general society may be a lifestyle choice, but for traditional/observant Jews, being single means a half-empty double-bed. Please, never ask observant singles why we want to get married. But don't be strangers - get to know us as people, and if you think of match ideas, share them.
I'll be more charitable about comments. There's nothing wrong with "IYH by you" (May you soon marry, G-d willing). Though terse, it's a sincere blessing. But many other comments are hurtful. Are you a prophet who knows this is our year? Are you a prophet who knows that our recent failed dates have brought us closer to marriage rather than farther, like a wrong turn? And you're reminding us of past years' failed "prophets!"
Some of the worst comments are "a bad marriage is worse" or "other life challenges are worse." Rebbetzin Jungreis wisely criticized the expression "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet" as unfairly dismissive of the real pain the shoeless feel! Most singles are deeply grateful for our many blessings and optimistic about a happy future, even if our present smiles are fake.
The story of Elkana and Chana (1 Samuel) is instructive. Then-barren Chana's co-wife Penina was intentionally hurtful, but lovingly feckless husband Elkana may have been the original "Positive Psychology" guru with his hurtful comment "why weepest thou?... why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?'" The right attitude was Eli the priest's, who comforted her and blessed her that she find peace and that "the G-d of Israel grant thy petition." May He grant ours too.

(51)
Anon,
November 6, 2009 1:46 PM

Excellent

Excellent article - if only people were sensitive to what they say. I have read a book about that japanese scientist - fascinating book and concept and one i truly believe in.

(50)
Jewish Mama,
November 6, 2009 9:57 AM

think about this

Dearest "Rachel", I do a bit of matchmaking. I try to be as sensitive as I can, but I'm human. Sometimes we say the wrong thing and sometimes we (all) understand things in the wrong way. Please be as forgiving as you can be. AND practice keeping the boundaries you need to keep. Torah does not say that you need to put your business on the table. We're all doing the best we can. I hope you DO find your wonderful husband. I did not marry until I was 36 and the pain of being single does end. Keep your heart open even when someone sticks their foot into their mouth.. they'll have to eat it and you'll never be sorry for being gracious. You can set boundaries and still be gracious.

(49)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2009 2:48 AM

I understand you.

I totally understand the author. For some reason when people get married they think that they could say whatever they want and ask whatever they want to singles. They don't realize that they themselves may have just been in the same situation before that got married. But they simply forget the hard single years they went through and do what others did to them. It definately is painfull. When kids ask you why you aren't married - just remember that they are young and innocent and unless their parents warn them before not to ask that question they are going to ask. Just try to smile when people make the dumb comments you hate hearing and try to live life to its fullest even if your still single.

(48)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2009 8:13 PM

response to #43

In response to #43, I think it is important that you read this article. If this is what the writer feels is difficult for her, who are you to tell her that she should "get over herself" or that it is not that catastrophic? In addition, the writer acknowledges that many of these people mean well, but sometimes that isn't enough. You need to know what will help a person before trying to help them!

(47)
Sharon,
November 5, 2009 4:41 PM

Thank you Rachel, and to you Anon No. 43

I can pretty much guess from your insensitive "get over it speech", you are not single. You can't see or feel the sadness & hardships of it, enhanced by nosey people's remarks & unneeded clich'es, untill you experience being single in your 30's, first hand.
Everyone has their challenges, and being that they are theirs & no one else's to face, is what makes them a burden, even if from your educated point of view, they should snap out of it.
Rachel, from other fine articles of hers I have read, and like many other singles such as myself, has a meaningful productive life, and probably thanks the Almighty everyday for what he gave her, even without a spouse. But still, being alone is endless road of pain & anguish. Instead of judging Rachel's attidute (who BTW tries to laugh about it), you should judge adult people who should have some manners at their age, and realize you don't don't hit a sore spot. Especially those who won't try to help out, but are always up gossiping.

(46)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2009 1:52 PM

I stopped going to Shul because of this

These very same remarks got to me as well. Every week I would go to shul, to be met by dozens of people who cared so much about me that they would inquire, sometimes with a wink, anything NEW? I would talk about my exciting job, my recent trip, or other accomplishments, only to be met by, I mean, ANYTHING NEW??? with another wink and a nod. Like nothing mattered other than my husband quest. Yes it is important to me to find someone, but in the meantime I'm an interesting person with other things to talk about. Eventually I got so tired of being reminded by those people of my single status, I stopped going to shul altogether. I hang out with less observant people now and I am not Shomer Shabbos any more, but at least my new friends are sensitive and accepting and don't make me feel like a walking disaster because I am in my 30s and single. The frum world is great if you are 18 and single or older and married with kids, but there doesn't seem to be room for people who fit outside of those two classifications.

(45)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2009 9:49 AM

Hi,
I though the article was very insightful. Sometimes it is better to say nothing if you don't know what to say to someone in a particular situation.

(44)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2009 12:57 AM

i know how you feel being childless for 5 years excellent article

(43)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2009 11:42 PM

I think this article is really winging and defensive. You need to realise two things, first that being single is not catastrophic, you need to open your eyes and expose yourself to the really difficult things some people experience, second, you need to accept that often people are thoughtless and inarticulate, that doesnt mean anyone has any intention to hurt you, or that they are bad people. You need to get over yourself, stop being so negative and defensive towards others and maybe you ll find yourself actually able to interact pleasantly and without bitterness to potential partners. Good luck.

(42)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2009 9:11 PM

Thank you!

Rachel, I want to thank you for bringing to light something that so many of us 'pretend' doesn't happen -- we politely smile and say we haven't met the right one yet, but Y"H soon. And then we feel even more isolated, more alone. I often can't wait to leave Shul, the Shabbat table or some community event, so I can cry the tears I'm holding in. I too wish for more sensitivity from my community.

(41)
chanie,
November 4, 2009 5:45 PM

we get it too

When I got engaged, suddenly it gave everyone permission to ask personal questions. Nu, if it's my friend, fine. But I found myself faced with many people who I looked at thinking, "Um, hi...your name is what? Where are you from? Have I seen you before?", and at the same time trying to give nonchalant answers that will get across the message that I don't want to talk while satisfying their curiosity until I can escape.
Ah, and then people who consider themselves my friends ask tooo many questions...sweetiepie, if I want to tell you, I will. In the meantime, let me alone.

(40)
jf,
November 4, 2009 4:17 PM

Why do you want to be married so badly?

I don't think you've explained why you personally feel you need to be married and why you are so upset that you are not and why it is so upsetting that other people want to help you achieve the circumstance that seems to be all you want in your life.

(39)
goldie,
November 4, 2009 4:13 PM

Sara Imeinu

Our Mother Sara did not have a child until the age of 90. Would she or anyone else consider her entire life up to that point to have been futile, tragic, or a waiting game? I don't think so. People who are not yet married need to live and work on themselves and be complete people. Perhaps G-s is giving you an opportunity to be a much better wife and mother when the time comes. Perhaps G-d is giving you a way to be a much better person than you would have been if you were married young. I don't mean to belittle the pain, I only want to say that you should take advantage of every opportunity G-d gives you.

(38)
emunah,
November 4, 2009 4:08 PM

Don't Waste Your Time

I feel for anyone who wants something for the good and has not yet achieved it. However, it is not good for anyone to make herself into one problem. Not being married is not a tragedy, and no one ever wants to look back and wish for the time when the one main problem is that they would have liked to be married but they were not married. Maybe all single people should ask themselves why they want to be married, and then question their response and keep questioning and answering until they get to the truth. Perhaps those who are single can achieve these goals through another means.

(37)
yw,
November 3, 2009 11:12 PM

there are other things to do

I was raised observant yet very secular and marriage and motherhood were options, not absolutes. When I visited a religious community, the people thought something was wrong with me because I was in my early twenties and had no immediate plans to marry, and I was not worried about it--it's something I didn't want to do for at least 10 years. Even so, they kept pressuring me to change my mind. I can't imagine what it's like for someone in that community, where they think it's a shame if someone is not married by 24.

(36)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2009 11:06 PM

Private life?

Is not being married a private matter?

(35)
t,
November 3, 2009 11:04 PM

Why do people comment about your private life?

Why do people comment about anyone else's private life?......... You should not let other people's comments get to you, no matter what they are about. If you do, then you turn yourself into that one thing they comment about, and you are much more than that.

(34)
Zissi,
November 3, 2009 8:52 PM

It's nobody's business

Who one is or isn't dating is nobody else's business. People should not make comments about another's single status or anyone's status for that matter. I was the target of well-meaning but insensitive comments and will never use the phrase "Im Yirtzeh Hashem by you" for anyone. If there is anything to tell, they will tell you.

(33)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2009 5:02 PM

If you are unsure whether you are sensative or insensative, Test yourself!!

I think part of the problem is that instead of seeing someone for their personal challenges like labeling "older single,"or "childless" we need to change our views and see all the great things about everyone. Silence is the answer for those people who automatically look at someone and think "how sad, she's not married." How about thinking "i wonder how her job is going?," or "that chessed project she is involved with," or whatever else she is accomplishing in her life. If you are not sure whether you are the sensitive or insensative type, test yourself; start noticing how you notice others. Is it for their strengths ad accomplishments or their challenges and hardships. I find people know sometimes just by a look what you think of them, if you are happy to see them,(for all their good qualities) or sad to see them (unmarried, or still no children). Do you label as soon as you see someone? Or do you see them for who they truly are and really mean it when you ask, "how are you?" If you do label automatically (even if unintentionally) then you should do as the author advises and keep your mouth shut.
This was a great article. Thank you.

(32)
dfeit@cox.net,
November 3, 2009 1:50 PM

forgive me I don't understand

why anyone's private matters/affairs are discussed by others at all. I fail to understand how bringing up any of these types of topics is up to anyone else. IMO, if the person wants to discuss this matter with me, great. Lets go someplace private for a private discussion. BTW, this in no way gives me or anyone the right to go have discussions with anyone other then the original person that was willing to open up to me.
This makes no sense to me. There are lots of Jewish singles/dating sites plus Matchmakers. Seems like so many want to get married. Why is this so hard? Because we all want to wait for the "right' one? As for me, I decided to be open to more Jewish women then I would have prior to becoming BT. FWIW some of the women will not meet someone that is not on their level of education. What this makes you smarter or more knowledgeable then me
Seems to me that this problem/issue belongs to each and everyone of us singles. I learn a lot from others comments here. Conversely, some comments are so inappropriate it makes me nauseous.
If you really wanted to get married, maybe more of us need to be more open minded in lots of areas.
I could go on but I'll stop here.

(31)
Alan S.,
November 2, 2009 9:24 PM

Silence is indeed golden

Why this community believes that it is anyone's business to say something about, well, anything, including one's marital status, is beyond me. Commentator #1 asks, what can be said? My question to her is, why must anything be said? Who appointed anyone to be, in essence, a prosecutor, permitted to inquire about things that are clearly no one's business? Obviously, if a person is asked, then a reply, comment, question, concern and 'blessing' is appreciated. Unsolicited comments, sympathetic statements, and yes, even 'blessings', end up being "in your face", instead of being well-intentioned.

(30)
Alexis,
November 2, 2009 4:31 PM

I am not religious but I know how you feel -

or at least I think I know how you feel. When I was young, my mother told me that life was not worth living unless you were married - even if it was a terrible marriage. It took me years to realize how destructive this is. There is a saying: "It is better to be alone than in bad company" and that is very true. Remind yourself of that every day.

(29)
Shimon,
November 2, 2009 3:04 PM

Couples who are childless, people who are sick or disfigured, someone who is having business trouble or going through a divorce; the list goes on.
Considering the above I don't think you shouild compare yourself. So live life why do you care what anyone thinks.

(28)
Bobby5000,
November 2, 2009 2:33 PM

Why Does Every Woman Need to Get Married Right Away

Marriage can be hard, and many people have accomplished a great deal being single. I agree that the pressure to marry can be unfair for a woman.
I have a close male family member who is a gregarious, and attractive professional man. He is a good person but would probably NOT be a good husband. To put pressure on people to get married and possibly create two unhappy people in an unhappy marriage makes little sense.
I agree, see what's out there, but people should not be interfering, no more than you should be telling married men or women how to run their lives.

(27)
Anonymous,
November 2, 2009 12:17 PM

benefit of the doubt

I'm sorry for your pain, and which you much luck in your search. I do believe, though, that many of those "faux pas" sayers may have good intentions. Sure there are gawkers, and we smell them a mile away. But I think most pple don't want others to feel isolated, and want to be helpful. No matter what serious personal challenge one is enduring, there is never one objectively right or wrong thing to say or not say. Everyone perceives words differently, and though you say you'd prefer people to just say nothing, you might find that loneliness worse than the awkwardness. I think it's helpful that you used a forum to let others know your preferences, and that you could continue to do so in your social interactions. ("I prefer not to discuss that, but thank you for your concern" kind of responses) Again, I wish your prayers answered.

(26)
Nancy,
November 2, 2009 11:30 AM

To #6

What an incredibly insensitive response! A perfect example of when it is better to say nothing at all. You owe the author an apology.

(25)
leah,
November 2, 2009 6:38 AM

misplaced emotion

"Please G-d, soon by you" is a blessing and should be taken as such. If you feel pain at the sound of a blessing, you are reacting improperly. When people say that, say AMEN and do you know anybody nice for me????

(24)
Rachel (not the author),
November 2, 2009 6:27 AM

Oy vey!

It seems that several articles have propelled us back a century or two. To all the singles: WHY you are single is no one's business but yours. You can try to sort out the comments from those who really care but say the wrong thing, and those who are just busy-bodies. More to the point, though, is the fact that people are pressuring you. It's particularly revolting that some of this is being directed at women still in their 20's. The greatest culture shock I encountered upon becoming an Orthodox Jew was the obsession with getting married. I always thought that first you met someone special and then wanted to marry, not the other way around. Finally, as someone who is disabled, I must add that since my plight is well-known, there's no point in being disturbed when people ask me about my health -- unless it's a close friend who really wants to know the details, I give a polite answer, thank them for their concern, and if they persist, tell them that I don't want to discuss it further. And the most important thing i've learned from my nearly-fatal health condition is that circumstances change, but life itself is a tremendous gift.

(23)
Aaron,
November 2, 2009 4:00 AM

Misunderstanding of the purpose of marriage

Rachel hi, I am sorry that you have to write under a pseudonym. I wish you healing from this pain and that you should find lasting happiness. I will give you a small amount of information that can set you free if you pursue it. Marriage is a tool for human growth that works by using the outer opposite gender to trigger connection to the inner opposite (for you, inner male). Meaning marriage is a tool for reunification within the human, of the polarized sexes to reach a state of unification and oneness like androgyny similar to Gan Eden. This is the reason why humans feel sexual tension towards the opposite sex, it is the pull of the soul to reunify. Now I will tell you a secret: You don't need a man to do it, and having a man does not in any way mean you will do it. If you realize the real (perhaps hidden, but only from most people, not all) purpose of marriage, if you realize that you can achieve it without marriage, and if you DO SO...you will then be able to marry anyone you want without a problem, but you will not have any desire to do so like you do now.

(22)
annoymous,
November 2, 2009 3:39 AM

Yup Its painful ....

Well it depends how people say the comment...sometimes you hear the pity and the slight hint how they are better than you because they achieved that part in life. There are also those people who after you catch up with them what you are doing in life (work...activities...etc) and then they ask ...so nu what else is doing!! What are they thinking!! do they think I'm going to tell them what my shidduch life (or lack thereof) is like!!?? Then there are the few people who ask you how things are doing and you could feel their love for you and that they really want to help. When these people say "Please G-d, soon by you" wow I take it like a real blessing ...because its real and not fake or cover up pity.

(21)
odd cog,
November 2, 2009 2:15 AM

when a community is so ostensibly dedicated to tenets of "tznius",

this is the first [but certainly not the only] way in which they so flagrantly demonstrate their moral inconsistency
so, next time someone asks you--or even hints at "why aren't you.marrie: "here's a sample of retort just about as equally invasive
:
*why aren't you good-looking?
*why don't you have tact?
*why is it your business?
*because I'm not allowed to conitnue my relationship with [fill in blank--preferably a close relative of the query]

(20)
Devorah,
November 2, 2009 1:29 AM

Thank you

Thank you, I have also been challenged by similar comments and it certainly can hurt at times. Articles like this one may help people to realize how important it is to be sensitive and remember that the term "single" is not the only one that describes a single person. They can also be professional, cultured, educated and informed and therefore conversation need not always revolve around a topic that may be painful for them. For our part, I believe it is important to recognize that people do mean well and to take it as positively as possible.

(19)
Bayla,
November 1, 2009 10:50 PM

No such thing as OVERLY sensitive

We are who we are. Some are more sensitive than others. I hate being single; wish I were married again to a good man. Until then, people make remarks. I also have a hidden disability. Strangers think nothing of asking me what it is. When I politely say that I prefer not to speak about it, they get very huffy. So who is the sensitive one then?

(18)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 9:31 PM

You should be alone

I know how you feel the pain is unthinkable. I'm 60 and a few years past I told some associates I would like to be married after 25 years of divorce. The response was terrible I had the impresstion they would be happy for me but it was just the opposite. I've learned not to say anything about my personal life not even to the closest assoicates.

(17)
Rachel,
November 1, 2009 8:12 PM

Calm down a little

When people make comments, stupid as they may seem to you, they probably do so from a kind spot in their heart & from their wish that you will find your soul mate. So don't let it push your buttons so much. If they said anything out of meanness & ignorance, it would reflect their meanness or ignorance, not your condition, so remind yourself not to let their words have so much power over your emotions.
Tell yourself to expect people to say some insensitive things.
When my mother died, people said all sorts of things that really annoyed me. They didn't mean to. They all cared. I'd rather they all said the wrong things from a place of caring than to have nobody visit at all.
Next time someone says something that hurts you, figure out a polite answer that leads the conversation somewhere else, and then thank God that they cared enough about you to say anything at all.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 7:44 PM

Consider Less Sensitivity

I too have been single all my life. I am 51 years old.
You are overly sensitive which makes you over react. People are well intending and you choose to make that something that it is not and delve deeper into your sorrow. What you think about expands. You are creating your own realtiy, not the well meaning people around you.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 7:32 PM

Let the other person volunteer personal information if they desire

I empathise with your pain. I ask others when I see them- "What is good with you?" It steers the conversation in a positive direction. If they say the word "nothing" then I offer my ear to listen if they would like. I let the other person steer the conversation in the direction they choose. That way, I don't ask anything embarrasing, and if they want to share, they have asympathetic ear. Possibly one way to be sensitive to others.

(14)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 7:05 PM

We'll mention it to you

For the caring and concerned people out there who may be at a loss at what to say, my best advice would be to wait until the single person opens up to you. Be open and receptive, but not prying. As in many things in life, there is no single magic phrase that is universally "safe". More listening is probably the best bet.

(13)
Channi W.,
November 1, 2009 7:02 PM

Rachel, I am with you, all the way.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 5:40 PM

the "im yirtze Hashem by you" comment

I wish people would realize that many singles cannot take hearing "im yirtze Hashem by you" -- please God soon by you -- all the time, especially at others' simchas. If you'd like to give someone a blessing or pray for them to get married, say it quietly to G-d - we singles don't need to be reminded of your pity.

(11)
temima,
November 1, 2009 5:21 PM

lots of goals

I think there's a problem in certain communities in which girls are being told that their main goal in life is to be wives an mothers, and all by the age of 19 or 20 or 21. Being a wife and mother is beautiful, but what if these girls want more time to grow up, and what if they don't happen to meet their mates so young? Have they failed? I don't think so, but they think so, because they have been inculcated with this false belief. There is very little chance that every single Jewish girl should and could be married or have children at such a young age. If they have not married young, they should not be made to feel like they are strange or that they have failed. They should be encouraged to live their lives and be the best they can be and be wonderful to their friends and families and communities and to all Jews...just as they would do if they'd be wives and mothers. Marriage and children isn't an end goal, and being single isn't a time to hang around waiting and it isn't even a time of doing good only until a different situation appears. Women are many things, including, but not limited to, wives and mothers. Men were commanded to be married and that without a mate they were not as perfected as they could be, but women were not told the same, because women can perfect themselves and their world in so many ways. Women should take their lives seriously and live!

(10)
holly,
November 1, 2009 5:10 PM

comment 1--"women...need to be married?"

Women weren't even commanded to be married--only men were. Why do you say they need to be married? How would you know if this is true? Furthermore, it is G-d who decides if people should be married or should be not married.

(9)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 4:36 PM

I agree....

Yes, I can relate to the author's situation because I find myself in similar predicaments. However, I am not dying to get married right now being that I am in school and busy pursuing a degree. In the college setting, my single (also frum) friend feel so much more comfortable and at ease because no one there is looking at us strangely for our single status! It is unfortunate but true. In addition, I remeber when a married friend of mine tried to comfort me in regards to my singlehood. She told me about a great class to listen to by Chevi Garfinkel (who is single). Although I was slightly hurt, I did listen to the class which was inspiring about living and dealing with the challenge of singlehood. Good luck to all!

(8)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 4:33 PM

continuation

Women of the Jewish community, you have raised your sons to believe that it's all coming to them. To believe that they all DESERVE a woman 20 years younger, no matter that they've wasted the best years of their lives that will never come back. To believe that no woman is good enough. When I was younger, I didn't dress fancy enough and my family had no money. Too bad my father spent all those years in kollel so that his daughter could be turned down by the "learning guys". Now that I'm older, well... I'm just "older" so no matter how well I dress, how poised and intelligent I am... I'll never be 21 again, so according to the shadchanit mafia... I am worthless in their eyes. No, I'm not PICKY. I just wanted a nice, caring, decent guy, that I would be able to spend the rest of my life with. I dare you to tell me... when someone cannot hold a normal conversation or eat their food politely, is 200 pounds overweight, or old, bald and just plain strange... that I'm TOO PICKY.
I'm sure someone will come up with some perfectly lovely platitudes to respond to this comment, if it's even posted. But you know what. It doesn't matter.
So now, you "caring" individuals... next time, keep silent.

(7)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 4:32 PM

your "caring" comments make me want to die

Shifra, you and people like you... I really want to know if you have any idea how many times I wanted to just sink through the floor and disappear, how many nights I cried myself to sleep after one of your CARING comments.
As for Ms "oh thank God I'm engaged, i'm mid-20s", how do you think it feels to be one of those "mid-30s" talked about in hushed and horrified whispers, even by my family members, even straight to my face?
This community is seriously broken and distorted when so many "wonderful young women" cannot find a normal guy to date. Believe you me, it's not for lack of trying that I'm single, and it's not because there's something so terribly wrong with me. I'm constantly approached by (very nice, attractive, successful) non-Jewish guys who think I'm a lovely, kind, attractive, intelligent woman. I have to keep turning them down, because I want a Jewish home and children raised with a Jewish father. But that guy doesn't seem to exist... that normal, reasonably decent looking, single guy MY AGE.

(6)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 4:25 PM

YOU are the insensitive one

I am a late-bloomer because I was not raised with the appreciation and understanding of being a married Jewish woman. So I picked the feminist b.s. lifestyle and never married. Now that I have become frum, but because I am older, it's difficult to find a husband. I am GRATEFUL for everyone's attempts in the community to help me find someone, to daven for me, etc. If you are so weak that you are hurt by these beautiful efforts on the parts of members of your community, you need to read Sara Yoheved Rigler's article on the current Aish about "Raising Cain." YOU're the one who needs an attitude adjustment. Or move.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 3:07 PM

Thankfully I was recently engaged to be married in a couple of months G-d willing. Being that I am in my mid 20's, I don't consider myself old, but I'm regarded as a late bloomer considering I come from a circle where everyone is expected to get married at 19 or 21 at the latest. I didn't use my single hood as a tool to earn pity from others. I wasn't ashamed of my status either. I was aware that I struggled in the singles scene and I knew it wouldn't be an easy journey for me.I didn't cry over it either. I found other productive means to bide my time. Before I got engaged, some random woman approached me and asked me for my name so she could put me on her tehilim list. As devastating as being single is when a certain point is reached, its nowhere near as tragic as being dealt with a life threatening illness. I'm sure the woman only intended to help but I was taken aback to being categorized as someone who desperately needs everyone's prayers. People made comments that may have meant no malice but stung. I was told to hurry up for the sake of my parents so they can live to see grandchildren. I was told I could have had 3 kids by now and I had no allowances to be picky since my biological clock is ticking. When I got engaged, I was candidly asked what took me so long and was told by others that it was about time. My conclusion is people who are married and don't struggle as much see us as being different. The most they will offer is their sympathy or reduce you to a charity case to earn some reverence from their peers.Some people will make hurtful comments unintentionally regardless of your marital status. People are not always reliable or helpful even when they try to be. Leave it up to G-d and do your effort.

(4)
Anja,
November 1, 2009 3:01 PM

I take offense to the previous comment, and the idea pushed onto the author by her community "need" to be married.
Women NEED to be respected for the decisions they make in their own lives, and anyone who has an opinion on some else's choices should keep it to themselves.

(3)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 2:44 PM

What is G-d trying to tell me

I have had a lot of those types of comments when it comes to having children, "all in the right time", "i'm davening for you". Worst is being a kvater at a bris, then people really give you these sorrowful looks. G-d is definitely teaching you to be sensitive to others, but I find that when there's nothing you can do about what other people say, sometime you have to work on yourself to be less sensitive and completely ignore peoples comments- easier said that done of course

(2)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2009 2:22 PM

Silence is GOLDEN!!

Sometimes, silence is the only thing that is appropriate. If our "singleness" wants to be discussed, it will be!
I wish I was in a committed relationship however, I have yet to meet someone. Meanwhile, I will not put my life on hold.I like who I am !!

(1)
Shifra Slater,
November 1, 2009 1:02 PM

What should we say?

There are many wonderful girls and women around me who need to be married. I care about them deeply, and I have said many of these things that seem to cause so much pain. Please offer some suggestions of something we CAN say. Silence seems so uncaring.

I’m wondering what happened to the House of David. After the end of the Kingdom of Judah was there any memory what happened to King David’s descendants? Is there any family today which can trace its lineage to David – and whom the Messiah might descend from?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you for your good question. There is no question that King David’s descendants are alive today. God promised David through Nathan the Prophet that the monarchy would never depart from his family (II Samuel 7:16). The prophets likewise foretell the ultimate coming of the Messiah, descendant of David, the “branch which will extend from the trunk of Jesse,” who will restore the Davidic dynasty and Israel’s sovereignty (Isaiah 11:1, see also Jeremiah 33:15, Ezekiel 37:25).

King David’s initial dynasty came to an end with the destruction of the First Temple and the Babylonian Exile. In an earlier expulsion King Jehoiachin was exiled by Nebuchadnezzar, together with his family and several thousand of the Torah scholars and higher classes (II Kings 24:14-16). Eleven years later the Temple was destroyed. The final king of Judah, Jehoiachin’s uncle Zedekiah, was too exiled to Babylonia. He was blinded and his children were executed (II Kings 25:7).

However, Jehoiachin and his descendants did survive in exile. Babylonian cuneiform records actually attest to Jehoiachin and his family receiving food rations from the government. I Chronicles 3:17:24 likewise lists several generations of his descendants (either 9 or 15 generations, depending on the precise interpretation of the verses), which would have extended well into the Second Temple era. (One was the notable Zerubbabel, grandson of Jehoiachin, who was one of the leaders of the return to Zion and the construction the Second Temple.)

In Babylonia, the leader of the Jewish community was known as the Reish Galuta (Aramaic for “head of the exile,” called the Exilarch in English). This was a hereditary position recognized by the Babylonian government. Its bearer was generally quite wealthy and powerful, well-connected to the government and wielding much authority over Babylonian Jewry.

According to Jewish tradition, the Exilarch was a direct descendant of Jehoiachin. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 5a) understands Genesis 49:10 – Jacob’s blessing to Judah that “the staff would not be removed from Judah” – as a reference to the Exilarchs in Babylonia, “who would chastise Israel with the staff,” i.e., who exercised temporal authority over the Jewish community. It stands to reason that these descendants of Judah were descendants of David’s house, who would have naturally been the leaders of the Babylonian community, in fulfillment of God’s promise to David that authority would always rest in his descendants.

There is also a chronological work, Seder Olam Zutta (an anonymous text from the early Middle Ages), which lists 39 generations of Exilarchs beginning with Jehoiachin. One of the commentators to Chronicles, the Vilna Gaon, states that the first one was Elionai of I Chronicles 3:23.

The position of Exilarch lasted for many centuries. The Reish Galuta is mentioned quite often in the Talmud. As can be expected, some were quite learned themselves, some deferred to the rabbis for religious matters, while some, especially in the later years, fought them and their authority tooth and nail.

Exilarchs existed well into the Middle Ages, throughout the period of the early medieval scholars known as the Gaonim. The last ones known to history was Hezekiah, who was killed in 1040 by the Babylonian authorities, although he was believed to have had sons who escaped to Iberia. There are likewise later historical references to descendants of the Exilarchs, especially in northern Spain (Catelonia) and southern France (Provence).

Beyond that, there is no concrete evidence as to the whereabouts of King David’s descendants. Supposedly, the great French medieval sage Rashi (R. Shlomo Yitzchaki) traced his lineage to King David, although on a maternal line. (In addition, Rashi himself had only daughters.) The same is said of Rabbi Yehuda Loewe of Prague (the Maharal). Since Ashkenazi Jews are so interrelated, this is a tradition, however dubious today, shared by many Ashkenazi Jews.

In any event, we do not need be concerned today how the Messiah son of David will be identified. He will be a prophet, second only to Moses. God Himself will select him and appoint him to his task. And he himself, with his Divine inspiration, will resolve all other matters of Jewish lineage (Maimonides Hilchot Melachim 12:3).

Yahrtzeit of Kalonymus Z. Wissotzky, a famous Russian Jewish philanthropist who died in 1904. Wissotzky once owned the tea concession for the Czar's entire military operation. Since the Czar's soldiers numbered in the millions and tea drinking was a daily Russian custom, this concession made Wissotzky very rich. One day, Wissotzky was approached by the World Zionist Organization to begin a tea business in Israel. He laughed at this preposterous idea: the market was small, the Turkish bureaucracy was strict, and tea leaves from India were too costly to import. Jewish leaders persisted, and Wissotzky started a small tea company in Israel. After his death, the tea company passed to his heirs. Then in 1917, the communists swept to power in Russia, seizing all of the Wissotzky company's assets. The only business left in their possession was the small tea company in Israel. The family fled Russia, built the Israeli business, and today Wissotzky is a leading brand of tea in Israel, with exports to countries worldwide -- including Russia.

Building by youth may be destructive, while when elders dismantle, it is constructive (Nedarim 40a).

It seems paradoxical, but it is true. We make the most important decisions of our lives when we are young and inexperienced, and our maximum wisdom comes at an age when our lives are essentially behind us, and no decisions of great moment remain to be made.

While the solution to this mystery eludes us, the facts are evident, and we would be wise to adapt to them. When we are young and inexperienced, we can ask our elders for their opinion and then benefit from their wisdom. When their advice does not coincide with what we think is best, we would do ourselves a great service if we deferred to their counsel.

It may not be popular to champion this concept. Although we have emerged from the era of the `60s, when accepting the opinion of anyone over thirty was anathema, the attitude of dismissing older people as antiquated and obsolete has-beens who lack the omniscience of computerized intelligence still lingers on.

Those who refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. We would do well to swallow our youthful pride and benefit from the teachings of the school of experience.

Today I shall...

seek advice from my elders and give more serious consideration to deferring to their advice when it conflicts with my desires.

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