Hitt Orders Removal of All Knight Statues Due to Historical War Crimes

August 23, 2017

In a stunning announcement Tuesday afternoon, President John C. Hitt has ordered the removal of all Knight statues and Knight-like art from the University of Central Florida campuses.

“Knights have been glorified in the media,” said Hitt, referencing movies such as A Knight’s Tale and The Dark Knight. “They weren’t all as chivalrous as they’d have you believe. They pillaged and burned towns. They partook in the occasional beheading. These are not qualities that UCF can stand behind.” Hitt then muttered under his breath, “Why didn’t we stick with that damn space orange?” as he walked away from the press conference.

Many students took the announcement badly. “How can I take my graduation photos now?” said senior Alyssa Roberts. “It’s like I didn’t even go to UCF if I don’t get a picture in front of that dashingly handsome Charging Knight.” Others took it as an opportunity to quickly buy up the remaining UCF Knight-themed memorabilia to resell on various market platforms such as eBay and craigslist for a clean profit.

Administration is already looking into another mascot to spearhead the athletics department. Students are already pitching in ideas. Sophomore Matt Bubble said, “I always thought the Citronaut was a more superior mascot. My grandparents attended UCF in ’68-’69 when Citronaut was still around so that’s a rich history I’m proud of.”

UCF’s Pro-Medieval Memorabilia Association took a firm stand against President Hitt’s decision early Wednesday morning. A protest was held in front of the Alumni Center where students marched around the Charging Knight statue with longswords and battle axes.

“This is unjust!” said junior protester Scott Williams. “I am of Anglo-Saxon descent and my ancestors are probably rolling around in their graves at the wrongness of this. Knights didn’t pillage neighbouring villages and burn their fields because they were evil, they were just defending their own kingdoms.”

The statues will slowly be taken down over the next few months after administration finds a new location for them. The Holy Land Experience has expressed interest in purchasing the statues for their new crusades exhibit. If the deal falls through, the statues will be auctioned off at the UCF PD’s Unclaimed Property Auction along with abandoned vehicles and bicycles with missing wheels.

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