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Okay, so unless you’ve been rocking it Amish style lately, you know that a) The Superbowl was on today and B) Madonna performed at the half-time show. If you haven’t already seen the video, consider it required viewing, and get it sorted.

I’m basically going to run through it play by play for you:

Okay, so she starts out with Vogue, everything is gold, and she basically walks like an Egyptian through it. It’s amazing. Before you ask, I don’t give a fuck that the whole thing is pre-recorded (and obviously so). It looks fantastic and it blew my mind. Besides, I’m a Britney fan, what do I care about miming? Speaking of Britney (and I often am), did the whole Vogue part remind anyone else of this, but with, um, actual choreography:

Props to my girl for singing live for basically the first time ever during this tour though. Bless her heart.

Now, before you Madonna fans put your pissypants on, I’m not saying anything about anyone copying anyone. That’s just what came to mind when I saw all the gold, and the harps.

Anyway, the choreography for Vogue was nothing short of incredible, and Madge nailed it.

Vogue fades into Music, at which point the choreography kind of gives way to a whole bunch of slut drops, fist pumps and titty shakes, and she also comes close to falling off the bleachers. God, I wish Ali G had been there to say ‘Is you Madonna?!’ but we can’t have everything. Instead, we have a couple of cartwheels that are… odd. Cool, but definitely odd.

After that, we have this strange angel, I guess, who jumps around on a tightrope for a bit while Madonna slut drops some more. If for some reason you’re unfamiliar with the term ‘slut drop’, here are the girls from Geordie Shore to explain it to you:

Next up is Madonna’s first guest, my boys LMFAO, who look truly spectacular, as always. I literally got so excited to see them on stage with Madonna, I’m not kidding, and my excitement shot to near ‘Kristen Bell with a sloth’ levels when I saw Madonna do the Party Rock Anthem shuffle with them. I basically just grinned at my computer like a lunatic the entire time.

And then it gets weird. Party Rock Anthem segues into Sexy and I Know It, and Madonna gets down on the floor, Red Foo grabs one of her legs, and she dry humps the air. To say that it’s totally awkward is a huge understatement. It went from being amazing and fun to bizarre in like 5 seconds.

It doesn’t last long, and next up is Give Me All Your Luvin’. It’s the first time I’ve heard it, to be honest, but I did read that Avril’s having a hissy fit because she thinks she’s the first person ever to write a song with a cheerleader beat, and thinks Madonna is ripping off Girlfriend. Apparently she’s never heard Hey Mickey. Whatever.

Anyway, M.I.A and Nicki Minaj are both there to do their raps, they look fierce, M.I.A flips off the audience for literally one second and NBC has to apologise. M.I.A also uses the word ‘bionic’ in her rap, which makes me laugh because she worked with Xtina on Bionic and basically hated it because Christina refused to use the amazing voice she has, and well, look how well that turned out for her.

Cee Lo Green brings out a giant marching band, which is cool (and OMG I only found out the other day that he’s Gnarls Barkley. I can’t even with that.) but they give way almost instantaneously to an even bigger choir for the finale, which is Like A Prayer. It’s spectacular. I got really excited and perhaps a little too emotionally invested looking at the choir. How mindblowing would it be to be on stage at the Superbowl, singing with Madonna? Mental.

Cee Lo basically just hums along and does harmonies, probably out of fear that if he does any more than that Madonna fans will crucify him the way John Lennon’s fans did for changing the religion line in Imagine from ‘and no religion too,’ to ‘and all religion’s true’, while wearing a massive fur coat, dripping in bling.

Madonna seems to have changed, and I don’t know when or how, since I’ve been staring at the screen. She gets down on the ground to show how into it she is, and looks like she’s worshipping Cee Lo, who, by the way, looks like a giant disco ball. A blind disco ball, at that, since he’s wearing sunglasses when there’s no need for them.

The stage opens her up and swallows her whole, leaving behind her message of world peace, which, let’s be honest, doesn’t mean a goddamn thing in the post-Miss Congeniality age that we live in.