I’m a scaredy cat but an honest one at that

I’ve realized that I’m scared. Or afraid. Or fearful. Or all the above, or some combination of those emotions. This whole ‘change my life’ thing has essentially done this [here comes a metaphor] – it has taken my life, dug it up from the roots and is attempting to re-plant it in soil with a different pH. the problem with this is letting my roots [read = insecurities] hit the light of day is making me realize that i have these fears that need to be addressed. They were never addressed before because they were buried, deep, deep down. But now that I’ve changed everything, I simply cannot go back.

Firstly, and most vainly, I’m afraid that I’m not going to be cute. I think I’m cute now, but what if I’m not cute later? What if my bone structure works well with extra padding and once you take it away, I’m all disproportionate? I remember reading this ‘inspiration story’ of this girl who had lost 150 pounds and how happy she was, how much more social she was, etc, etc. But the reason this sticks out to me is because of her before and after photos. In the before photo, she was reasonably cute, overweight, but cute. And her after photo was not. Her cheekbones were too big for her face and gave her this caveman-esque look. I remember her distinctly, and am distinctly afraid that I am not going to be cute.

Secondly, I am afraid that the reason I’m single is not because of my previous belief – which is that while I’m one ‘cool chick’ to the guys, who always want to be friends and never the BF, it’s not because I was overweight, but because men just aren’t attracted to me. I know that’s a blanket statement, but it really does feel that way. And of course, this fear ties into fear #1, the fact that I may just think I’m cute, but that that’s not necessarily true to other people.

Thirdly, I am afraid that this isn’t going to work for me. When I see the numbers stop going down and stay stagnant for a day or two, I freak out a little bit. Because if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Fourthly, I’m afraid that in addition to the numbers not going down that they’re going to go back up. I guess this is the partially the same fear as #3, this not working for me, but it’s this sort of desperate fear that makes it different. I can’t go back there. I cannot do it, I cannot live that way anymore. And I know that 20 pounds isn’t that far from where I started, but I feel this desperation to shuck off that previous life.

I’ve invested a lot to get to where I am, emotionally, physically and financially. I don’t want to be “that girl” anymore. I don’t want to be the chubby friend anymore. I feel like a cliche in a lot of ways. The fat girl who’s funny, she’s cute but not pretty. She’s non-threatening and never gets asked out, it’s easy to be friends with her.

I’m not saying that I want to abandon any of the good, quality things about being her, but I want more than that life can/could give me. I dont want to settle for going out with some guy because he deigns to be with the fat girl. Just like anyone else, I want to be with attractive guys, the smart guys, the funny guys….not be with someone just because he wants me.

I have a huge fear of rejection, and that’s because it’s happened. A lot. And I’ve always chalked that up to the fact that I was overweight. And I’m afraid that when you take that out of the equation, that nothing will change….and more than anything, that really, really scares me.