A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture of the
> supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
> believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a
> good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think
> you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's
> really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever
> talked to a ghost?"
> About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
> 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one
> question further.....
>
> Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises
> his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years
> I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to
> a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
>
> The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
>
> way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
> asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have s ex with a ghost?"
> Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

Subject: Embarassing moments
I been looking for a place to put jokes ;)

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

* I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a b low job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word.

He knew better.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen
who works at the store He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
>the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

*While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me were screams of laughter!!

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST F ARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

Subject: FW: Cyanide
>
> A lady walks up to a pharmacist and asked to buy a bottle of cyanide.
>
> The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
> The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy--I can't
> give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law. I'll
> lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad

> things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
> husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at
> the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a
> prescription
>

angelrider800 write: I got a couple here...sent to me by a former BK'er...

LITTLE Michael ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little Michael.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Michael says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately liccking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and succking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and succked the cone."

To which Little Michael replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE Michael ON MATH

Little Michael returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Michael.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the damn difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"

LITTLE Michael ON ENGLISH

Little Michael goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

Little Michael was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pizz !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Michael, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Michael, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN !"

LITTLE Michael ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Bobby.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Bobby !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Michael.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful !'"

LITTLE Michael ON GETTING OLDER

Little Michael was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Pa ul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that
beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every
time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered
it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little Michael.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Michael says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately liccking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and succking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and succked the cone."

To which Little Michael replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE Michael ON MATH

Little Michael returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Michael.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the damn difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"

LITTLE Michael ON ENGLISH

Little Michael goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

Little Michael was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pizz !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Michael, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Michael, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN !"

LITTLE Michael ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Bobby.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Bobby !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Michael.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful !'"

LITTLE Michael ON GETTING OLDER

Little Michael was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

This gal meets a guy and they start to talk. She feels he is a very nice man. His confidence and manliness arouse her passion.

He feels much the same way and they end up going to his place. Once there, she finds this hunk of a man has a well kept apartment and seems very secure with his masculinity.

He even has a teddy bear collection in his room and shows it to her. Large shelves along one wall filled with stuffed bears. All sizes, the small ones across the bottom, medium size in the middle and the largest most beautiful teddy bears along the top shelf.

She feels like she may have met the man she would like to spend the rest of her life with. He is a man, but has no problem doing something that would be considered less than masculine by others, collect stuffed animals.

They linger a while and inevitably, they make love. The woman thought this to be one of the greatest se xual experiences she has ever had.

As they bask in the afterglow, she asks him,"How was it?"

The man tells her that she can have her choice of any teddy bear from the bottom row.

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he
realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a
gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he
sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The little guy stared for a brief second or two, then fell over and fainted. The big man revived him and when he came to, he asked the big man, "what did you say to me?"

The big man replied, "well, I told you I was 7 feet tall and weighed 350 pounds. Then I said my private was 16 inches long and each of my testi cles weighed 3 pounds and that my name is Turner Brown. What happened?"

The little guy, breathing a sigh of relief looked up at the big guy and said, "Whew, I thought you said all that and then said Turn Around"

TO BE 6 AGAIN
> >>
> >>A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife
turning
> >>back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her
birthday
> >>was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd
> >>like to be six again" she replied looking in the mirror.
> >>
> >>On the morning of her Birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big
bowl
> >>of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park, What a
day!
> >>He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear,
> >>the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
> >>
> >>Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head
was
> >>reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
> >>McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and
a
> >>chocolate shake.
> >>
> >>Then it was off to a movie, popcorn and a soda pop, and her
> >>favorite
> >>candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home
with
> >>her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
> >>
> >>He leaned over to his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well
> >>Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly
opened and her
> >>expression suddenly changed.
> >>
> >>"I meant my dress size, you dumb a$$!!"
> >>
> >>The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going
to
> >>get it wrong!
> >>

He is soo adorable.
Here is someA Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pi^&&* He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jer*((I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my as&*(( for dam&&** near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bit*** cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AI^^^DS .
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those aholes from the IRS sent me a letter,They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funnyWho the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shi%^^s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads and I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat as%^^ and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. He asks, "What's the matter"
"I have a case of an*l glaucoma", she says in a weak voice. "What the he*l is an*l glaucoma" To which she replies, " I can't see my azz coming into work today"