“Bama Boy” Is “Gettin’ His Drank On” – And It Explains Plenty

So Jamarcus Russell, who got himself Al Davis’ed after getting paid better than $4 million per win as a starting quarterback in the league, is now up on a drug beef?

Wow. Tough break.

What’d they get him for? Blow? Weed? Acid?

Purple Drank?

Heh.

Russell was always our favorite quarterback among us nutria down in Barataria Bay. We liked Jamarcus because, like my uncle T-Rick useta say, “He’s a cross between Denzel and the Jolly Green Giant.” Guy was so damn big he looked like the illegal kid on the 7 & 8’s team. And he was just cool out there. When he was at LSU he was never the best quarterback, but you knew he could be if he really wanted to. And every now and then he’d do something just to make sure you got that.

Some people hated that about him. They called him lazy. We just thought he had style. We nutria don’t like overachievers. Beavers are overachievers, and look what it gets them – the busy bastards. We like a more Continental lifestyle, and Jamarcus definitely had the nutria frame of mind. Un de nous autres, dontcha know.

Except we ain’t crazy about a loser. You gotta at least do your part. And once Jamarcus went pro, he wasn’t so cool anymore. As a pro quarterback, the guy sucked. No, lemme rephrase that. He SUCKED. The suckiest suck who ever sucked. Jamarcus sucked so bad he made Lane Kiffin look like he knew what he was talking about, which is all but impossible. We’re talking Michael Steele level of suckage here. Rick Astley suckage. I’d even go so far as to say Jamarcus was the Showgirls of NFL quarterbacks.

Sure, he had help in his suckage. They gave him Kiffin as a coach; I think the guy was coaching Little League, or in Japan, or something. Or in the Pac-10. Anyway, his dad was an alky who had coached for the Saints once. And when Davis’ Sometimers let up a little, and he realized that not only was his head coach 12 years old with an attitude better suited to the White House than the NFL, Jamarcus got some fat guy with Rosie O’Donnell’s haircut who likes to beat up women (and assistant coaches). Not to mention that the receivers they gave him weren’t much; I think they acquired his top pass-catcher from the Iowa Crush for a 6th-round pick and a box of Malamars.

But when they’re paying you $30 million and the word is you won’t even show up to play Madden in the film room, you’re no longer cool. You’re on welfare. It’s kinda like a character flaw. LSU fans got our noses royally bent out of joint when he showed up on TV with an “I’m a F-ing Retard” medallion around his neck at the 2007 national championship game, and promptly acted the part on TV as a former Ohio State Heisman winner not named Archie Griffin dogged him out in front of God and everybody. And that, for Uncle T-Rick and a lot of other folks, was the end of claiming Jamarcus as one of our’n.

But after all the big news this week, it all makes sense. The guy’s not a total dunce or a slacker, at least not necessarily. What he is is a connoisseur of cold medicine. Y’know, the good stuff. Hey, some people make some money and they get into wines, others collect celebrity dishware from the Home Shopping Channel – and Jamarcus likes mixing Robitussin, vodka, The Uncola and Jolly Ranchers for a refreshing treat. Guess he never heard of Jagermeister.

Either way, it would explain his dopey play on the field and his bizarre apparel off it. It would also explain how he turned into a walrus instead of a quarterback. Koo-koo-ca-choo.

But don’t be so hard on Bama Boy. After all, what we’re really talking about here is a cultural statement. He just somehow got into the Houston urban music scene, and he’s livin’ da life. Who are you to judge? Lil’ Wayne got all up in da surrrp and he did fine. Of course, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t being chased by Elvis Dumervil every week; the closest he ever got was the Phoenix po-lice and he didn’t exactly get away.

So now Jamarcus has hit bottom, but at least he’s mellow about it. Or maybe he hasn’t. After all, now that his hosepipe into Davis’ checking account has been disconnected, he’s going to have to go cheap on his posse, and that often results in an incident at a gentleman’s club or perhaps a totaled Escalade. The next step, of course, being a pull-over on I-10 in Jefferson Davis Parish with God-knows-what in the trunk. Either that, or something awful involving dogs. And then the true rock bottom – a Bryant Gumbel interview.