If you are my friend, then be my friend. What does that mean to me? Be honest, be kind, be there.

I have been struggling a lot lately. My depression, anxiety and loneliness have taken over my life.

I deactivated my FaceBook account… it just was making me feel worse. I was envious of the lives I was seeing. And I was so sad to have been left out of events.

And it does suck. What hurt the worst, was being excluded. And knowing that was being excluded. I have “friends” who have lied to me or lied by omission. It wasn’t an accident, that can only be blamed once or twice. Nope, it was an active decision. And that sucks.

But, here is the truth. I am not the one who should be sad! I am not the one missing out on *me*. I am loyal and loving and kind and generous. I have a great sense of humor, if you don’t believe me, just listen to me laugh at my own jokes! I can’t cook, but I am crafty and creative. I am always a bit of a mess, but never malicious. I am good to have as a friend. If you missed out and don’t have me as a friend, you are the one who deserves the sympathy.

When I listen to my depression I hear that it’s me.. I am not worthy. I am worthless.

But, I know that’s not true.

And, if you think anything less of me than the fact that I am an awesome human being, you can just keep that shit to yourself and stay away from me.

Now that we have been parenting teens for a few years, I can tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I used to ride a bicycle and I remember being told that the hardest hill is the one that you’re on. And that is true for parenting, 100%! When we didn’t sleep more than a two hours at a time and my days were full of diapers and crying, that was hard. When there were days that I cleaned up puke or urine or poop or sometimes all three, that was hard. When there was a toddler crying pretty much non-stop (usually not just one, they took turns!) it was hard. But, teenagers.. well, I know that it’s the hill we are on, but I also know that it’s a really massive hill.

The stakes are so very high! Adulthood is right around the corner. And they need to grow and learn and explore. They need to be more independent, but… but! Those are my babies. And they are still making mistakes. And the mistakes, with my boys, have been massive–and dangerous and scary. What’s worse? I still have two kiddos to go, I have two that haven’t even hit the teen years.

The hardest part is the same thing that challenged us when they were little. There is no answer book. We are feeling our way around in the dark. Thankfully, we have lots of resources. We have support from professionals. And we don’t have any ego about this crap. We are open to new ideas. And we are trying our hardest.

Yesterday was a massive slap in the face… One of ours is just making bad choices. I don’t know if it’s our fault. I don’t know if he has control over these decisions (we have learned, in our years as parents, that often they don’t even know “why” they do stuff). But, I do know that it’s hard. And I know that we won’t give up.

Not that there was ever a doubt, but I finished another half marathon.

I will say, however, that it was not an easy run. I had phone issues. I ended up running about half of the race in silence. Yuck! I also had some wardrobe issues. I just couldn’t get things adjusted right. And, this is TMI, but I also had some tummy issues. I had to stop twice and wait for a port-a-potty.

But, I am grateful that I have the privilege of a bad run. And I am lucky that this bad run was one in a whole lot of good runs.

But, I am asking you.. The great masses (as if anyone reads this!), please, know that I am fighting. And I would love you to have my back. I have really been having a rough go as far as my diet since about October. I am someone who is going to be battling food addiction and my weight and my diet for my entire life. But, lately it’s been bad.

Tomorrow, I am heading to the gym to get weighed and measured and get a diet plan. And I would love some support. Check in on me, call me out on the junk I am eating, let me know I am not alone. I need to make the choice again to be good to myself, but being bad feels so good. So, please, help!

I can hardly believe it’s nearly Christmas. And I have so many things to do! I should be wrapping or cleaning or cooking or something. But, I wanted to sit down for a bit. Well, to be honest, I was eating and to eat I sat down and I sat down in front of the computer. And, as we all know, once you sit down it can be really, really, really hard to get back moving.

Anyhow, while I embrace the lazy for a second, I also give myself to think about the past year. And it has flown by! There were some massive hurdles this year.. parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart! And there have been some massive successes–one of those teenagers has stayed out of trouble for months now!

One of the little guys I used to watch has grown so big that he no longer needs a baby sitter and has moved onto preschool. And my other little dude just became a big brother!

My youngest two are growing like weeds and my teens are my height (& maybe even taller). They all are beautiful (I assure you it’s true, not just the mommy goggles!). And they have these amazing personalities that are so fun to watch.

I keep seeing all over social media how awful 2016 has been and how ready my friends are for it to be over. But, I don’t want anything to rush! I want time to slow down! Maybe even on those really horrible days… Then maybe we can appreciate the good a little more.

Good= No homework.
Good= Minimal fighting since they are all separated and staring off at screens.
Good= No early alarm clocks for them.
Bad= Still need an alarm for me–gotta get to the gym still and I still have my little guys to watch.
Bad= Four kids who need lunch every.single.day.
Bad= Football season has started already?? That means I am a taxi cab.
Good= Arizona hasn’t gotten the memo about the break and it’s still beautiful out.

As in defeated. They do dole out some harsh physical punishment, but no actual beatings.

However, today, I was beaten.

I have been dealing with a strain of my achilles’ tendon. I don’t think it’s even a partial tear (the only way to really know is an MRI that I will not be paying for). But, it did hurt and it has kept me from running.

On my drive to the gym this morning I really wanted to turn back around and go home. I was already sore all over from the previous days, I was (am!) tired. I just didn’t want to do the gym. But, I didn’t turn around.

In fact, I decided that I would try to run! And I did. I ran the first few little laps as part of our warm up, until I tried to skip and my heel informed me that there would be *no* skipping.

The gym has been good about modifying and working around this pesky injury of mine, but it’s meant that pretty much all of my cardio has been on the elliptical trainer or the bike. I don’t like those machines anymore. I just want to run! I was stewing in those thoughts as I watched everyone else warm up.

Then, in our first cycle of exercises I was supposed to do a pull up.. Thankfully, they had some support if we weren’t strong enough to do a pull up (spoiler, I am not!). But, I wasn’t even with the support. I spent the first minute just trying to figure out how to use the help. The second round was pretty much the same. The third I just struggled… And then, my body truly betrayed me. I started tearing up.

I cry during runs. Usually if I make it farther than 9 miles, there will be tears. But, I am in my own world then. I am not in a gym with hip hop blaring surrounded by other people who *can* do a pull up. I am not frustrated by injury.

I was so very tempted to go to the bathroom and have a good cry. I was half tempted to just grab my keys and leave forever.

But, I did neither. I sucked it up, wiped my eyes and kept going.

I don’t know that there was really a victory.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I replay the morning. And I know it will be very, very hard to go back tomorrow.

And I fully expect the award. For reals. I survived a two week break with all of my kids home plus my extras. And my husband worked all of the weekends and we didn’t go on a trip. On top of that, I only lost my mind one day. And, even then, it was only for a few minutes. Seriously. I am waiting for my award.