DALE: I guess if we root for the Texans, it wouldn't mean we'd have to root against the Cowboys.
HANK: Well, they are in different conferences, so it would only be a problem if they played in the Super Bowl. An all-Texas Super Bowl! His will be done!

PEGGY: Maybe I'll just take Bobby!
BOBBY: (squeals)PEGGY: Bobby, I'm not taking you, I'm just trying to get back at your father.
BOBBY: Oh.

BILL: Are you and Peggy having marital problems? Irreconcilable differences, maybe?
DALE: As the only happily married man out here, may I suggest marriage counselling with Dr. Tim Rast? "Tim Rast will make your marriage last." I came up with that slogan during one of our sessions while Nancy was jabbering on about something.

HANK: I don't know how to say this, and yet there's no greeting card for it either. I think we should see a professional relationship person.
PEGGY: What? You mean a marriage counsellor?
HANK: Like the one Dale and Nancy use, Dr. Tim Rast. Yes. Him. Please, Peggy, I need somewhere safe to go, to let it all hang out.

NANCY (describing Dale): Even his elbows are nicotine-stained, he refuses to acknowledge that he is bald, and he sobs uncontrollably after sex.

HANK: We're going to buy his and hers motorcycles and see America, excluding California.
DR. RAST: Tell me more.
HANK: What more is there? The freedom of the open road and such, all the maintenance a guy could ask...
PEGGY: Collecting spoons from every state capital, meeting colorful characters like truck-stop waitresses and corrupt local sheriffs...

BOBBY: I can't believe you guys got a motorcycle! Evil Kneivel had a Harley, and a cape, and a jewelled walking stick.
HANK: It was a cane, and it was because he had a crushed pelvis.
BOBBY: And a cape!

HANK: Whenever we go to the hardware store, she gets to give me a twenty-minute hug, and I get to go to the hardware store.

PEPPERONI SUE: Tradition's real important to Lumpy and me. That's why we're going to spend our second wedding night under the same foozeball table in the same bar as last time.

PEGGY: All right, Hank, Kansas is mine! I'm gonna tear this state a new one!
HANK: Maybe we should switch off after Kansas. I wouldn't want you to miss out on all that wheat.

HANK: It just doesn't work that way with biker couples. Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue have a great relationship, and she never rides up front. In fact, the spot behind the driver is called the...er..."bitch seat."
PEGGY: What? So then that makes me a --
HANK: No! It's a motorcycle term, I don't even think it's spelled the same.

PEGGY: Hey, let's stop at a souvenir stand so I can get a T-shirt that says "My husband controlled my vacation and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

PEGGY: I'm going to take a bus home. I am sure they will let me sit anywhere I want on the bus.
HANK: You can't sit in the driver's seat! You can't even talk to him!