Congress in favour of Asteroid impact

Despite the relief of most of Earth's inhabitants that the space rock 1998 QE2 will miss by 6 million kilometres; the United States feels thwarted. On Friday morning Congress passed by a bipartisan vote of 318-109 to support collision with the asteroid.

Initially reluctant, President Barack Obama signed the bill into law which earmarks $120bn for an "asteroid enabling fund", it reduces taxes on the richest 1% and returns federal employee's pay back to the 1800s.

Prof Alan Fitzsimmons, an astronomer at Queen's University Belfast, explained: "If something this size did hit us it would cause global environmental devastation, but," he admitted "I doubt that during an global ice age there'll be much need for corporation tax or background checks on handguns."

The White House Press Secretary was forced to concede that the end of civilization would at least provide a welcome distraction from the Benghazi and IRS scandals. House Speaker John A. Boehner (R-Ohio) was quick point out: "This is a measured compromise. It keeps our commitment to curb immigration, a slow-down in Obamacare and allows the Cockroaches to become our overlords."

So far there have been counted more than 9,000 near-Earth asteroids. A Tea Party representative was asked to comment: "The end of all life on Earth? Typical Socialist agenda...which doesn't go far enough, in my opinion."