My mom finally pushed me over the edge, and there's no turning back. I ended up punching through a door and I've never been physical with my anger before and now my arm's all cut up. I am certainly leaving home. I'm moving many states away to live with my sister. I'm leaving everything behind... I don't know what I'm going to do, but now I have no parents anymore (and ironically and metaphorically never did). All I have is my sister, I'm disowning my family.

I don't know where I'm going in life, I don't know where I will end up. I don't know if I can make it, but right now I'm jumping off a cliff hoping I'll survive the fall. To me, it's like facing death. I know I might not make it, but I have no choice, I have to do this. I've dreamed of being an orphan my whole life, wishing my parents would die in a car crash, hoping my brother would finally overdose and die, and my oldest brother finally die from his disability like the doctors kept saying he would. And I know it sounds morbid, but I can't lie anymore. My family does not deserve my love, my sister is the only one who I can trust now, she's the only one who never hurt me.

Edited by CloudyFalls (02/18/1306:34 PM)

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

i moved out at 19 and never went back except for very infrequent, brief and superficial visits (usually less than once a year for a couple days) - only because they expected some minimal contact.best thing i ever did.

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

I moved interstate away from my family and it was the best thing I ever did. It took me until I was 33 and been married for 10 years ...but when I got away from their controlling ways I was able to find myself....to be myself. I still have limited contact with them but it is on my terms.

if it would help you to talk about the details, that is OK. feel free... we are all ears.

i hope all the reassurances that this is the best thing that could happen don't come across as callous. it has got to be a terrible time for you. not trying to disregard that aspect of it.

but those of us that have been through leaving the nest - under whatever circumstances - do want to encourage you that there is a bigger life out there - and it may be a positive (not necessarily easy) step - to move out, move on, move away, etc.

one step at a time,lee

Edited by traveler (02/18/1310:16 PM)

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

I can't explain it really other than I hate my parents and I'm using them. I can't stand needing them when I hate them, and I can't stand feeling like a prisoner anymore. I can't stand this house I can't take it anymore. I was abused here, I have to get out, I have to leave.

Again I am at the edge of the cliff and I've chosen to jump, there's no going back. I've already lashed out once and I can't afford to let it happen again, this house, this city, my parents, I need to escape or I'll never get rid of this hatred and anger. I know what my kind of anger does and it's relentless, I almost killed someone once. Some kid at school picked a fight with me, and I went insane, I picked up a chair and threw it full force in his face in front of the whole cafeteria, I screamed I'm going to kill you and I remember feeling the I don't care I will fucking break his neck feeling, the killer instinct. I felt that anger towards my mom today and enough is enough, I can't live with her anymore, I hate her, she's a joke, she's a horrible mother, she's pathetic, I look at her with disgust and I can't live with those emotions.

I don't know what's happening to me anymore, I'm not in control of myself, I'm wondering if I'm insane, I'm wondering if I could actually hurt someone around me, I'm wondering wtf I am going to do. I'm backed up in the corner and part of me snapped today, something I could feel building up, and nothing, nothing I could do could relieve it. I'm scary inside my head, I feel like I'm turning into a monster. I've lost everything that means anything to me, I'm a man with nothing to lose. I saw my brother in myself today and lately, those ironic hate fueled laughs, the yelling, punching holes through a door, it terrifies me. Could I really be that close to becoming my brother? The person I hate so much? I don't know what to say, or maybe rather I'm afraid to say what I want. I want to kill myself sometimes, sometimes I feel like it's the only thought that gives me relief, that I could die and it'd be all over. I'd never hurt anyone anymore, and nobody could hurt me, I could abort my failure as a human being. But then that fuels my anger in thinking well if I'm going to live, I might as well live like I'm dead already. And that's dangerous.

I don't think I should have made it as far as I have. I don't know why I'm still here, I could've killed myself so many times. I wonder if I'm beyond repair, I wonder if I've fallen off the deep end. I have so much hatred inside of me it kills me. The world sickens me, there are people I would kill if there were no laws, what kind of person am I? I think about killing my brother all the time, my disabled brother. He's basically in vegetative state and he's the reason my mom neglected me growing up, in my eyes he's a sick freak that ruined my family, he's a product of the devil. But I was raised being told he was an angel, I should be so proud to be his brother. When he's a parasite, it's the sick twisted religious views and societal morals Idk, maybe I'm sick but to me he's a parasite.

I'm fucked up in my head. I act like a great guy, I've never really harmed anyone, and I truly do want good, but I have bad thoughts, bad emotions, I'm beginning to hate myself. I'm so confused, so extremely confused. I don't know how to portray it at all, and I know a lot of what I'm writing may be misinterpreted or sound horrible or I have no fucking clue, but I need to run away. I need to get away, and my sister is the only person who has never hurt me before, and she's my last hope. But I have to give up everything, and I'm terrified.

Anybody here ever feel suicidal but you don't say anything because you're afraid someone will tell on you? And you can't really say what your feeling because you'll be put on suicide watch or something? I want to die right now. I want to explode, I want to tear down the walls, I want to cry until my eyes bleed, I want to scream so loud everyone in the neighborhood hears my screams, but I can't do any of that, and it builds and it builds and there's no release. Guys I don't know what I need, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't even trust my own self, and there are no answers to all my questions and there never will be. There's no right or wrong, we're all just cast out here on this rock we call earth in a brutal free for all to live. There's no God, and there are rapists. There's pain, so much pain.

I was going to kill myself twice in my life, and right now I'm wondering why in the hell I didn't do it. And if I cheated death then what the fuck am I afraid of? If you had 1 day to live what would you do? I'm sure you'd do something you were afraid to do or something you never did before because you knew it didn't matter anyways, well here I am, I've been given these years I've been on borrowed time and I still can't do a damn thing. Why can't I just jump? Why can't I just do what I want to? I've been trapped for a year, and now I'm jumping, but it takes my anxiety to a high it's never been before. I feel like I'm committing to suicide by moving to see me sister. I'm terrified, but I know if I don't leave this wretched place, there's nothing here for me but more pain.

The worst thing of it all is that I'm literally fighting for my life and nobody sees it. I have to pretend it's not happening, but in my mind there's bloodshed and war, I'm holding on to threads for my dear life and nobody knows it. It takes all I have just to be here, and I can't stand pretending, but even more I can't stand that nobody sees it or can see it. Nobody can see this war inside my head, nobody can understand it around me. It's this that makes me feel insane or crazy. I have to fight the urge of jumping out of the car on the highway while I'm on the way to an appointment for my eyes or something, I have to avoid swallowing all my pills that are right next to me all the time, I have to fight the urge to take my pistol and shoot myself, I have to fight the urge in every situation I get to kill myself, not to. I'm in so much pain it's unreal. And I fear most of all that I would hurt someone other than myself. Because I know what rage is, and I know what it can do.

I just want to love somebody, but I don't have any love in my heart. I was going to say I just want to be loved, but I know I'm loved, I only just realize it's me who loves nothing and no one. Or maybe I do, but idk, the hate, anger, and fear pushes it out of my heart.

I wish I could translate my emotions to words that make you feel what I feel so you could understand my emotions. But isn't that like saying I want you to feel my pain? Idk.

_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

Cloudy - if it means anything at all, I've been where you are. I know the feeling of don't give a fuck, I have nothing to loose, I hate the world and everyone in it... and yet there is that fear inside like you are about to loose everything... everything what? IDK. I have felt that pressure build-up too and I know it's scary as hell, especially once you've seen what you are capable of.

I don't really have advice for you, I just wanted to say I know. I also know that, as for many guys here, turning my back on my family, other than my grandma and my brother, was the best thing I ever did for myself...

Cloudy - please, PLEASE keep yourself safe! Please talk to someone - call the helpline, or go to an ER. Please don't do anything permanent, either to yourself or someone else! I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it DOES get better. You DO have a lot to loose. If you end it now, you will never find someone to love. And more importantly, you will never know the man you can become once this shit has passed...

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I guess what I'm trying to sayIs whose life is it anyway because livin'Living is the best revengeYou can play-- Def Leppard

CF - i am so glad you put this all into words. i hope it helps at least a little. you did a really incredible job of describing where you are and what is going on. i have been there, too. please listen to what crazy gecko said. he knows what he is talking about. get help. if you can't take care of yourself - find someone to take care of you. you can get through this.Lee

_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

Cloudy- You just described most of my childhood. When that rage you talk about turns cold and you're calm, that when it is dangerous. That raging, thrashing is just the beginning. That needs to be dealt with or it will be turned on you-by you. That is already happening, but you prbly don't see it. I have lived what you lived, had those feelings. I am new, but we are both in the right place here.

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"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"-Charles Bukowski

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