3 Myths About Being Strong That You Need to Stop Believing Today

The moment when we’re feeling the weakest, is the moment when we can find our strength.

It’s scary, isn’t it?

If you’ve ever been there before, you know exactly what I’m talking about too.

The feeling of complete mental and emotional burnout.

Most of you already know this, but I took the past three weeks off from everything.

No Monday morning blog posts. No inspirational status updates on my Facebook page or Twitter feed. No computers, no emails, and no writing. Nothing.

Just me taking a much-needed vacation in Hawaii (Kauai, to be specific) with my family to clear my head and recover from the worst burnout that I have ever experienced in my life to date.

Here’s a little context about where this burnout came from: Right now, I’m working 50+ hours a week as a Director at a Top-5 U.S. Hospital, I’m maintaining The Positivity Solution blog each week (and its social media pages every day), I’m working hard to be the best husband and father that I can possibly be (which are my most important jobs, by far), and with whatever time is left, I’m trying to squeeze in time to sleep and have a social life.

And unsurprisingly, I epically failed to keep juggling all of those balls in the air. My health, the quality of my work, and yes, my positivity all suffered mightily because of it.

On Monday July 21st, at the lowest point of my burnout, I hit the “Publish” button on my last blog post (which I can now admit that I wrote in an attempt to kick my own ass into gear), and I stared lifelessly at my computer screen with absolutely nothing left in the tank and nothing left to give.

So, I walked away.

And as I was walking away, do you want to know what the worst part was?

It was the weird, misguided feeling that I couldn’t share any of this with you.

I’m Mr. Positivity, right? Admitting that I was feeling overwhelmed and broken down are signs of negativity and weakness, right?

Wrong. So, so wrong.

Being real and authentic are signs of positivity and strength. Even though I knew that, I struggled to believe it when I was in the depths of burnout.

And on the beaches of Kauai, as I worked to recharge my batteries and find myself again, I gave some serious thought to what it really means to be strong.

Unfortunately, I was wrong about a lot of it.

Myth #1: Strong People Don’t Publicly Admit Their Mistakes

I’m embarrassed to say that I fell hook, line, and sinker for this ridiculous myth.

As The Positivity Solution started to gain traction and become more and more popular, I started to do something that I thought that I would never do:

Change who I was.

In the past few months, I received very kind and super-sweet emails from people saying, “You are the most powerful force of positivity that I have ever met!” or “I am using you as the example for how I am going to raise my son.”

Whoa, that’s a big freaking deal. And truthfully, it was a deal that I wasn’t quite ready for.

For some strange reason, after receiving those emails (and others like them) I felt compelled to start acting like I was a “Positivity Superhero” who never had bad days, who feared nothing, and could destroy all forms of negativity without even breaking a sweat.

You might not have noticed it as much as Ifelt it, but living up to this persona was starting to eat me alive.

That’s because I do have bad days. I do have fears. Most of all, just like everyone else, I’m battling like crazy to deal with the negativity in my life–and many of those battles are ones that I don’t win.

If you’ve been following me for a while, then you already know that I’m a very positive guy…but I’m also far from perfect. Sadly, I felt like I needed to be perfect in order for people to care about me, this blog, or most importantly, my lifelong dream of making this world a more positive place.

And that’s the mistake that has burned me out the most.

It’s also a mistake that I will never make again.

The truth is that is takes strength to admit our imperfections. It takes strength to admit our mistakes. Most of all, it takes strength to be completely real and risk disappointing people who thought you were someone else.

So here’s the real deal: I’m a positive guy and I want to create a more positive world as much as I want to breathe, but that doesn’t make me immune from negativity, fears, self-doubt and making mistakes…lots of them.

Screwing up is a part of life, because it’s what makes us human. The real strength comes from having the courage to admit our mistakes and the wisdom to correct those mistakes as quickly as humanly possible.

Myth #2: Strong People Don’t Need to Take a Break

Many years ago, I used to work with a guy named Rick. He was one of those guys who prided himself on putting in 12-13 hour days at the office (and for giving anyone the stink eye if they were “lazy enough” to leave the office after only putting in 8 hours.)

He also liked to brag to anyone who would listen about the fact that he hadn’t taken a vacation in close to 10 years. Do you know how Rick’s story ended? (I’m sure that you do.)

Unfortunately for Rick, he ended up with heart trouble, divorced, his two children barely even know who he is, and most predictably of all, due to overworking himself, the quality of his work deteriorated to the point where he was eventually laid off from the company that he gave most of his adult life to.

And it was all in the name of showing everyone how strong he was by not needing to take a break.

Thankfully, unlike Rick, my relationship with my wife and girls is going great, but the sad truth is that before my vacation, I was cluelessly following down the same dead-end road that he already traveled.

I spent a lot of my nights and weekends doing work for my day job, I was feverishly writing blog posts, constantly answering an insurmountable mountain of emails, sleeping less than three hours a night, ignoring heart palpitations, and driving myself past the point of human exhaustion, instead of playing with my little girls, spending quality time with my wife and friends, and focusing on what’s really important.

It was embarrassing, dangerous, and if you’re keeping score at home, it’s the second mistake that will never happen again.

The truth is everything in our lives suffer when we don’t take a break from working. Our minds need the break, our bodies need the break, and most of all, our loved ones need us to take a break.

So please, make it a priority to use your vacation time (all of it, ideally), leave the office on time as much as possible, stop answering work emails on nights and weekends, have some fun with the people you care about, get some meaningful sleep consistently, and most importantly, take the time to take care of YOU.

You can’t be strong, you can’t do your best work, and you can’t give your best to your loved ones, to your job, or to anyone else if you’re burned out.

Trust me on this one.

Myth #3: Strong People Don’t Need to Ask for Help

Asking for help is tough. It can put you in a vulnerable spot because it is basically admitting that you don’t know something, or that you can’t do something without someone else to support you.

I used to believe that doing things without asking for help was the epitome of strength. “Used to” are the key words in that sentence.

The truth is nothing meaningful can be done alone. Every successful person from Oprah Winfrey to LeBron James to Steve Jobs to Mr. & Mrs. Richards (hi Mom and Dad!) realized that they needed help in order to live their best lives.

So, who was I to think that I could do anything meaningful all by myself? Pure insanity.

Yep, you guessed it–not asking for help when I needed it the most is the third mistake that I will never make again.

It was when I was at my lowest point a couple of weeks ago that I finally woke up and realized the stupidity of this myth.

When I wasn’t feeling very positive, I reached out to some of my closest friends who helped me immensely to get my positivity mojo back (you guys know who you are–thanks.)

When I was so exhausted that I was falling asleep in meetings, I reached out to some of my close colleagues who were able to attend in my place, take great notes for me, or both.

And when I needed the energy to come back with a new-found passion to this blog, do you know whose support I relied on to make it happen?

You don’t have to navigate this maze called “life” alone. I just wish I realized that fact a few weeks ago…but hey, better late than never, right?

Most importantly, I’m feeling better than ever now, and I have some intense burnout, three life-altering epiphanies, the serenity of Kauai, and your support to thank for it.

If you’re feeling burned out right now, please know that there is a way out of that feeling–and it all begins with the unshakable belief that you are strong.

Believing that you’re not is the biggest myth of all.

Your Turn

Have you ever been burned out before? How did you do deal with it? Do you have any myths about what it means to be strong that you’ve overcome? If so, jump into the comments below and make your voice heard!

Amen to this! Just b/c you’re a positive person doesn’t mean you are always worry free! I’m glad to have you back b/c I missed you, but I’m glad you took a break too! Everyone needs someone they can lean on sometimes and I’m glad that you leaned on your friends and coworkers for support. Welcome back Shola!

Thanks for the warm welcome, Spring! Yes, everyone needs a break–but for some weird reason, I thought that taking a break and straying from my self-imposed blogging schedule would mean that I was weak. I cannot even begin to say how happy I am that I came to my senses before I fell over and had a heart attack (for real!) It’s good to be back!

Thanks so much Lisa! This entire time off was ALL about Stephen Covey’s principle of sharpening the saw. I’ve been trying to cut down redwood trees with a dull butter knife for the past few months, and I’m so happy that I finally have my freshly sharpened saw back 🙂

Thanks Maria! And I’m so with you about the inspirational thing too. I’ve always believed we can become more connected by sharing our struggles than our successes, and I’m all about creating deep connections with all of you. We’re all struggling in one way or another, and I’m so happy to hear that my story of overcoming the burnout was inspirational for you–that means a lot to me!

Shola, I missed you!!! I am so glad that you were able to take the time you needed to feel better. I recognize myself in your words so often, and that includes today’s post.

I have felt burnt out for a while now. It’s not my personal life, but my professional one. I have been in the same field for 6 years and feel my time here is coming to an end. It is not that I am not making a difference, exactly. I still do that. However, when my own health starts to suffer, as you know, it’s time for a change.

I am now at the point, however, where I am frustrated. Job hunting is never fun and is certainly not easy. I have tried to leverage personal contacts, but so far I am not finding anything. So I am plugging along, filling out applications and scouring online job posting boards. My LinkedIn profile is up to date.

I took time off at the end of July/beginning of August to allow myself to put my health first. I had gastric bypass surgery (something I have been preparing for since last December). I am almost 3 weeks out and am feeling incredible. This new energy is something that I hope carries over into my job hunt!!!

Thank you for your honesty. I am so glad to hear that you struggle, because it makes you that much more real. It makes me want to learn even more from you and it makes you genuine.

Kathy, I missed you too! Wow, that sounds like a lot of big life changes are happening for you right now. Being burned out professionally is brutal, and as you and I both know, when your health starts to suffer because of it, then it is time for a serious change. Keep plugging away on LinkedIn and keep scouring those job boards because it is only a matter of time until you find that ideal job situation that is an ideal fit for your considerable talents. Also, congrats on your gastric bypass surgery and your newfound energy–that’s a big deal! Thanks for sharing your struggle with us too–believe me, we’re all in this together!

I am glad you wrote this blog because there are many of us, who are like you, positive people. It is when we are burned out, we may have a hard time admitting to it because we are always so positive. Perhaps we are not wanting to let other people in on are true state of being because the people around us expect us to be positive all the time. The truth is, we just cannot be strong or positive 100% all the time. I admire the fact that you put the truth of the matter in the myths that strong and/or positive people face. We are human too and typically have many tasks to be performed on a daily basis and feeling burned out or overwhelmed at times is something we are allowed to feel.

With Myth number two, I could not agree more. Perhaps, some of us who have the strong persona, believe we cannot take that break. Maybe we believe we have to be strong for ourselves and everyone who is on lives. The reality is we need break or time off to recharge the batteries and spend time with people who make a difference in your life and have some time for our self.

Myth three, I am completely guilty of. I was made more aware of just how important it is to ask for help in recent weeks. A couple of weeks ago, I had a surgery that limited me in lifting anything over 10 pounds. While it took some adjusting, I had no choice but to realize I would need to ask for help. It made me realize, asking for help is something I can do from time to time and that it is ok to do so.

I am glad you are back and refreshed. I am glad your blog was in back this morning, as your blog I look forward to reading on Monday mornings. Thank you for writing such a great blog! Have a great week!

Christina, you perfectly described one of the biggest challenges that many positive people face. Whenever we have bad days, low energy, or just aren’t feeling like smiling, it becomes such a big deal because other people are expecting us to be consistently positive, no matter what. I think that fact alone might have contributed to my burnout more than anything. Most importantly, I’m glad to hear that you’re accepting help as you’re recovering from surgery! Your health and full recovery are the priority, and if you need help to make that happen, then by all means ask for it. It took me a while to follow the advice in the previous sentence, but now that I’m there, I feel so much better because of it. Thanks so much for the welcome back!

Welcome back Shola, I’m glad you got your mojo back! I had a feeling you were burnt, because you had a few guest posts, then you took a long vacation. I feel bad, that we benefited from your efforts, while you were draining yourself. By all means, it is the positive choice, to say that you need a break. This blog has become an important part of my health and wellness habits, especially my emotional wellness. It’s given me a lot to think about. Particularly, I think I finally “got it”, that positivity can feed on itself and spread exponentially among people, just like negativity does. For positivity to work, we all need to consciously practice it not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. It makes sense that we support each other. Shola you have created this wondrous positivity community, and we are here for you.

Thank you SO much for your support and kind words Donna, that really means a lot to me. Yeah, I was so insanely burned out last month that the mere thought of writing another blog post was like climbing to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro. I needed this break SO badly, and I feel like shouting out to the rooftops to anyone who will listen “seriously, take a break!!!” Also, the fact that The Positivity Solution plays a key role in your wellness habits is the best (and most energizing) compliment that I could ever receive. It’s amazing people like you that made me so excited to return. Thanks again for having my back, it is deeply appreciated!

I’m glad you put YOU first and showed yourself some self-love. Those were some great life lessons you learned… this journey (life) will always be full of lessons for as long we breathe. Good thing you chose to learn, self-reflect and you realized that before you can be any good to anyone else you have to take good care of you first. So moving forward you will try to be proactive in taking care of yourself and not reactive right? 😉 Welcome back Shola 🙂

Absolutely PhillyL, I promise! This was a hard-earned lesson, and it’s one that I definitely don’t want to ever repeat again. I feel putting a sign over my desk that says “proactive not reactive” as a reminder, in case I slip up again 😉

Shola, I like the sign idea over your desk idea! 🙂 Also how about putting a post it on your mirror saying “YOU matter”. I read this from Dana Claudat “Connect, re-focus your space and re-establish a life that makes it so that you matter most… and then you will always have immense amounts to give to the world.”

WOW – if I didn’t know any better, I would think that you ripped a page out of the story of my life. I too had horrible misconceptions pertaining to what being “strong” meant, and what truly mattered in my life. Working 16-18 hour days for 2 years, which of course led me into a downward spiral of being an absent mom, wife, and functional human being (outside of work), I finally realized that life – a fun-filled life, was passing me by, and the ones that truly mattered had the least of my time and attention. While I was mentally and physically suffering, I leaned on no one – after all, I was everyone’s hero. I was everything for everybody, that is until I found myself being rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical with a heart beat off of the Richter Scale! Yes, the severe pressures of my job almost cost me my life, not to mention my marriage to the most wonderful, loving guy on the planet. While laying in that hospital bed I prayed like never before, and then decided to walk away – not completely from my job, but from the pressures that I was placing upon myself. Upon my return to work, I began working “normal” hours and rushing home to spend quality time with my husband and children. I deleted my work email from my cell phone, and I began to talk to others about the aspects in life that bothered or concerned me most. To their amazement – I too was more like them than what they ever imagined. Instead of being everyone’s “hero,” I simply became “Renee.” Ohhhhhhhhh, and it feels soooooooooo good!!!!! I learned the hard way, but at least I learned! 🙂

Renee, are we long lost twins or something? Your comment was eerily similar to what I was going through! I think that everyone needs an earth-shattering wake up call every now and then to help reset the priorities in our lives. I know that you hit the “Reset Button” in a big way while you were being rushed to Cedars-Sinai. My “Reset Button” moment was when I fell asleep at the wheel 3 weeks and almost hit a young kid crossing the street. That’s when I knew that something had to change in a hurry. Just like you, I had to walk away from the pressures that I was placing on myself and I felt (and am still feeling) so much better for doing so. Here’s to us learning lessons–even if it was done the hard way 🙂

Sometimes we learn best from the mistakes we make. Learning and growing from them is the important thing not the mistakes. I know you have said you will NEVER make those same mistakes again. I hope you don’t. I must be a kind of slow learner some times because occasionally I do repeat mistakes. Lessons I have learned and then forgotten. That’s just part of being human. We need to be gentle and forgiving with ourselves even when we make or repeat mistakes. Even when we should or do know better. Tripping up allows us to be more forgiving and compassionate towards others when they make mistakes too. Thanks for sharing your journey.

You’re very right, DeRose–we do need to be gentle with ourselves. All of that “NEVER” talk was me doing everything in my power to burn into my consciousness the importance of taking care of myself…we’ll see if it works :). Like you said, this is all a part of our human journey. Hopefully I won’t slip back into this destructive pattern again, but if I do, I will definitely be kind to myself as I correct my course. Thanks for reading!

Next step: It’s okay to ask for help even when you don’t need it, but it would just be really nice to have it. One way to remember this is to ask yourself: if my friends knew I was in this situation and didn’t ask them for help, how would they feel?

(I use a similar mechanic for deciding when to see a doctor: If my mom knew I had noticed this symptom, what would she expect me to do? I also really like calling my insurance company’s nurseline to explain my symptoms and ask them.)

As for the questions you actually asked, I have been burned out before, but I have no good advice. I do take all vacation days. I also enjoy stress eating!

I don’t feel like I have any myths about what it means to be strong that I’ve overcome. I think that’s because it’s not important for me to be strong–I know that sometimes I am weak, and that’s okay because I’m a person and not an iron rod.

However, I do find myself erring on the side of being too independent because I don’t like to bother people (which is how I see asking for help). But I did get the above tip (think about whether my friends would be upset if I don’t ask for help) when I had a bad sprained ankle. One night I thought to myself that I really wish someone would make me dinner. Then I realized that if I told any of my friends this, they would happily do so if they had the time. (Then I remembered about pizza delivery and did that instead.)

Debbie, that’s an excellent point! I’ve always really struggled with asking people for help, and you’re very right–many of my friends would be pissed off (and many of them actually were pissed off) to find out that I was struggling and I didn’t reach out to them. Some of them found out for the first time when they read this blog post! I still have a long way to go before I master the first step (i.e., asking for help), but once I do, I will definitely practice asking for help even when I don’t need it. That’s sounds like a tough one for me, but I’m always up for a challenge!

Amen, Shola. I’m in the midst of an entire-summer-long detox from the entrepreneurial rat race due to this all-consuming burnout, and I have to admit, hearing this from someone so consistently awesome as yourself is a HUGE comfort.

The myth I’ve been buying into is that feeling burnt out is a sign of failure — that if I were just stronger, more dedicated, more disciplined, etc., I’d be able to keep up with all the ridiculous obligations I’ve assigned myself, no problem. The truth is that burnout is your body’s last-ditch effort to alert you to the fact that what you’re doing is unsustainable. It took me years to realize this and going on three months now to work through it, but it may wind up being a life-saver.

Wishing you all the best in the world as you navigate through your burnout and eager to see how we both come back better for it. 🙂

Kell, you do realize that I owe a HUGE part of my recovery from burnout to YOU, right? Once I read that you were taking the entire summer off to fully recover from your burnout, it gave me the permission to say, “well damn, if one of my blogging idols can take an entire summer off, I can definitely take 3 weeks off, right?” If it weren’t for your example, I probably would have been trying to pump out half-hearted blog posts from Hawaii instead of fully recharging. I haven’t told you this yet, but I owe you BIG TIME for that, my friend.

You have such a way with words, and once again, you nailed it. Burnout really is our body’s last-ditch effort to alert us to the fact that hat we’re doing in unsustainable–and before you wrote that, I never looked at it in that way, but it is so true. I was probably only a few weeks (maybe less?) away from a nervous breakdown or worse, and I’m so glad that I finally hit the “Pause” button and got myself together. We are so similar about the strength thing. I spent day after day wondering “how come I’m not strong enough to do this? Other people are able to keep up with similar obligations with no problem…why am I such a weak-ass punk?” Clearly that talk wasn’t helping my sanity, but thankfully, I’ve been able to silence that voice now that I’m fully recovered.

Most importantly, thanks again Kell for playing a big role in helping me to find the way out of the darkness!

Glad your back, I did miss your voice. I have been reading your posts for awhile now and this particular one has resonated with me the most. I have been struggling with myself for several weeks and reading your words have brought to home that what appears on the surface isn’t always reality. I was feeling that things weren’t working for me because I wasn’t being positive enough, I wasn’t grateful enough, I wasn’t “something enough.” The universe was ignoring me because I wasn’t giving enough effort. I struggle with believing in myself, that I am “good enough.” Someone pointed out to me the other day that I come down on myself because it is my comfort zone, that I don’t have the experience in the “feeling” of being confident and go to the negative before the positive. It’s true. There is my struggle, trying to move beyond a lifetime of feeling inadequate because I don’t fit into the box others have determined for me. I am a thoughtful and quiet person and in our society of excessive, boastful and gregarious behavior, I find it difficult to connect with most people. Even writing this comment is somewhat embarrassing because I feel like I’m trying to gain sympathy or I’m giving up too much information that people don’t really want to hear or care, but I’m doing it anyway…

Here is why this post has had an important impact on me…even you, the “positive” guy struggles with these things. Maybe I am putting forth the effort, it just takes time and I am simply being impatient. That one day, with practice, I will believe in my talents and the person I am without reservation. Your revelations about yourself have forced me to recognize that the “effort” is in getting used to the feeling of positivity and eventually that will become my comfort zone. I realize your mission is to make the world a more positive place, but this blog has also provided an outlet for real self reflection and improvement.

Kat, you are so sweet for saying those things! Also, thank you for your vulnerability and realness–not many people could clearly articulate that very complicated feeling (and one that I relate to) as well as you did. Maybe this topic deserves a blog post of its own, but because I grew up bullied and teased often, I also struggle with believing that I’m “good enough” in many areas. I took me a while to get to this point, but even though the “I’m not good enough” voices keep popping into my brain, I’m committed to being authentically me from now on. Some days it’s easier than others, but it was when I was in the depths of burnout when I struggled the most to be authentic. Speaking of which–trust me Kat, the world needs more people like you, so no matter what kind of box people want to put you in, let me go on the record as saying that the kind, thoughtful, and quiet person you are is plenty good enough 🙂

Loving the realness in this post, Shola. It’s great to see someone sharing their true feelings online and admitting to their shortcomings.

I think you’re doing a great job and with all the things on your plate, you are doing far better than most.

When I started my blog in 2010, I was miserable at work and at home so I lost myself in blogging. It became all consuming and I devoted every free moment (aside from time with my daughters) to it.

I felt like blogging was my home and I loved it. But there came a point where I was simply taking on too much and was spending 20+ hours a week on my blog, guest posting, Podcasting, and writing. I also worked 40+ hours as a financial advisor and taught multiple fitness boot camp classes at night as well.

I ended taking 2 years off from blogging to work on my marriage and to detox. My marriage could not be saved but I have returned home to blogging and never plan to leave again!!

Thanks Steve! Damn man, that is an unbelievable schedule that you maintained! Like you said, there comes a time where we just wake up one morning and say, “there’s no way that I can sustain this.” Every day, I’m so thankful that it happened before I had a heart attack or fell asleep at the wheel and drove off of a freeway overpass (which actually almost happened.) From one burnout survivor to another, I’m glad that you’re fully recovered and back into the blogging game with me, my man!

Shola, I hope you can feel the love an support we are sending you! Open up your heart and feel it- breathe it in. We are a community of support for you as you share your wisdom and insights in the world. Like many of us here I understand burnout and I experienced so intensely 5 years a go that I thought it would physically kill me. That sounds crazy but it’s true. I have learned since then that finding my work-life balance is crucial to surviving and thriving. I have learned how to care for myself and take what I need so that I can keep giving without feeling depleted. A few of the things that I have found really help me are yoga and physical exercise (without guilt if I’m too busy or tired to make it happen). I do always come back to it though. It’s the ritual in the practice that is so balancing and soothing to the soul. I almost feel like I’ve been creating an inner reset button that brings me back to balance and doesn’t allow me to go into deficit or overdrive. Sleep ( 7-8 Hours) and healthy food play a big part in my sense of well being and my self care too. As a nurse I know how we can push ourselves to do more with less but as I’ve matured I have found how to do more with more and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks for sharing your journey with us Shola and remember we are sending you positivity thoughts.

JILL! It is so great to hear from you! Believe it or not, just seeing your name in the comments is enough for me to feel the positive vibes you’re sending me :). Trust me, it doesn’t sound crazy at all when you said that you thought that your burnout could have physically killed you, because that’s how I felt 3 weeks ago–it was awful. You personally know how much I love doing my speaking gigs, and there was a time in mid-July where I would have rather slammed my head in a car door than have to teach another class or write another blog post…that’s how burned out I was. Now that I’m fully back, my goal is to sustain this feeling for as long as possible. I started yoga earlier this year and then stopped because I was (wait for it…) “too busy,” but I really need to get back into it again. You also nailed it when you talked about the importance of getting a good night’s rest and eating healthy food–two areas where I failed miserably during my burnout. The good news is that all of those things have been addressed and I feel better than ever. Speaking of good food, next time I’m in your neck of the woods, we need to grab lunch! A healthy one, of course 🙂

Meet Shola

Hi, my name is Shola and I'm the founder of The Positivity Solution. I'm a corporate trainer, incurable optimist, and writer who is committed to changing the world by helping as many people as possible to live and work more positively. Click on the "About" link on the main menu bar to get the full scoop on my story.

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