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Topic: I may be homeless soon + personal update (update: I now have an apt!) (Read 2443 times)

I've added bolded titled for anyone who wants to skip the history lesson in the first couple paragraphs. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but may not succeed. I've posted before about how I've lived with my parents most of my adult life and can't stand anyone in my family, aside from my brother (sometimes). At some point in a fit of rage I deleted my account here and that posts isn't in my history anymore.

Schizoid Personality DisorderI also posted back in 2007 about Schizoid Personality Disorder. Here: http://www.overwritten.net/forum/index.php?topic=2960.msg36472#msg36472I never really updated anyone with what all happened, so I guess I'll pick up there. It felt great to finally have an answer to what had been going on in my head, though now 10 years later I've come to realize it was the wrong answer. I spent over a year seeing the SPD-experienced therapist and got nowhere. He kept telling me to get a job, and if I wasn't happy, just "fake it 'till you make it". I got a job stocking overnight at Walmart, and within a week I quit due to stress and anxiety attacks. (At the time I didn't know they were anxiety/panic attacks, I just knew I was super stressed). They even assigned me a "community support" mentor of sorts, who would take me out to get coffee or whatever, to sort of get me out into social situations to get me used to it. He was surprised I considered myself socially averse, because I got along with people well and was so well mannered. (I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous or stressed in my head.) After a while he gave up on me and asked for them to assign someone else to me. He was frustrated with my lack of progress and I was really holding onto the "I hate people" mentality. (Which I now realize was a way to turn fear and depression into anger, as a coping mechanism.) Eventually the therapist's office lost access to funding for people without insurance and I had to stop going. Back to limbo for me.

Back in therapy shortly, but with no progressA few years later I was in a bad spot emotionally and decided to call the local mental health crisis line to try to get back into therapy. I saw a therapist, and she suggested that maybe I had Asperger's Syndrome. She said it wounded like it fit, and I was convinced. She gave me the number to a place that she said did screenings for free. I went home and called, and they said they don't do them for free anymore, and it would be $1200 if I don't have insurance. I went back to see the therapist and she said there's not much else she can do, as Asperger's has no cure or treatment. She suggested a few books on the topic of living with Asperger's and adapting to life. I didn't follow up on any of that.

Back in therapy again, and gaining understanding (new info from this year starts here)Fast forward to March of 2017 and I found myself feeling particularly bad, and again I called the local mental health crisis line. They got me in for a new patient visit. During the whole assessment process, we hit on a point that had been skipped over or brushed away as nothing with every therapist I'd ever seen. She asked if I'd ever experienced any physical or sexual abuse as a child. I said yes, and she asked me if that was an ongoing issue for me. In the past I'd said no to this question, but this time I said, "I don't know". We talked about it, and how it may have possibly had an impact on me. Instead of talking about how much I hate people, and how I'm an extreme introvert and prefer to be alone... I was crying and talking about how afraid I am of social interaction, because I find it nearly impossible to trust anyone. Also years of super strict religious parents telling me how evil sex is compounded my issues. OK, new diagnosis. PTSD as a result of childhood sexual trauma.

Sticking with therapy and making progressSo they put me with a therapist that specializes in trauma. Rape victims, abuse victims, etc. It took about 4 months, but I finally got to where I could really be open with her and feel comfortable. Eye contact was a big part of that. I usually avoid eye contact, especially when talking about things I'm uncomfortable with. We recognized that and I sort of forced myself to stop looking at the wall when talking about these things far in my past that bothered me so much. Being able to do that, and not feel judged, was a huge turning point. Once I really felt comfortable and could talk about things, holy shit what a difference. For the first time in my life, I was really opening up and felt like I could literally talk about anything with someone. This felt life-changing and I looked forward to therapy every week. It was great to get out of this house, and I was getting a level of human interaction that I hadn't even thought was possible. I've been hiding from this my whole life.

We were focusing on a type of therapy called EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Basically you focus on a traumatic event, then do a 20-30 second eye movement exercise. The therapist moves their finger side to side and you follow it with your eyes and let your mind drift. You typically jump to memories that your brain lumps in with the target memory, usually because they share emotional states. I honestly didn't get how this was supposed to help, other than it was supposed to allow you to reprocess those events that your mind has avoided to try to protect you emotionally. When we first started, my therapist asked me what I felt in the moment from my childhood that we were focusing on. Guilt, shame, and fear. She also asked me what I wanted to feel instead, and I said "acceptance." After a few weeks, I had forgotten this and was wondering if the process worked, or if maybe I wasn't doing it right. Then one day I felt particularly at ease talking to the therapist, and she told me to jump back to the target memory, focus on it, and tell her what I was feeling. I said, "acceptance." I was talking about the scariest moment of my life, a moment I didn't even like to think about, let alone talk about. She was being completely non-judgemental and I feel at ease. Accepted. My entire outlook on life has been different since that day.

The government swoops in to cut me offIt was literally right at this time, the same week that I had this big moment, that became my last week in 1 on 1 therapy. Funding changes meant that I couldn't attend private sessions anymore. Group therapy only. This was at the beginning of August. Damn this hurt. I had begun to depend on the escape from my home life, and the human contact I was getting that I'd never had before. I still had group therapy, but it's wasn't nearly the same.

And now to the homeless part... finallyI'm currently in the process of trying to get on disability. I have a lawyer who I won't have to pay until I get on disability. If I back out though, I would have to pay for the time and work put in on my case. I have zero money. If I could get and somehow hold a job, that would jeopardize my claim of not being able to work. I've been living with my mom and brother (my parents are divorced now), and they're getting evicted in 7 days. There are 4 homeless shelters in the area, and 3 of them only take men if they have a learning disability or have kids. The last one is 40 miles from my therapist's office, and I really don't want to stop doing group therapy, as it feels like the one thing that's holding me afloat mentally. (I attend 2 group therapy sessions per week, Thursdays and Fridays, both hosted by the therapist I was seeing for 1 on 1 sessions.) I won't be able to afford gas to drive those 40 miles twice a week. I thought about making the drive on Thursday, sleep in the van that night, then drive back Friday afternoon. That's still a lot of gas money I don't have. I literally have like $3 to spare in the bank. I've been getting gas and grocery money from my mom and brother, but they won't give it to me once I'm not staying with them. There's a local program that finds homes for people like me, but part of the application is a form that must be filled out by a psychiatrist or MD stating your legal disability. I saw the psychiatrist at my therapist's office and she wouldn't sign it. She said the wording on it sounded like it was asking for her to declare me legally disabled, and she didn't have the authority to do that. The guy that runs the program said he might be able to get me a house with rent and electric covered, but without that psychiatrist signature I don't know if he can do anything. My last hope is that my mom and brother find a place that has room for me and allow me to keep living with them. I really hate the idea of staying with them anymore, but it's better than being homeless. My father has room for me, but has mold under the floorboards that has caused me serious medical issues every time I've stayed there. For health reasons, it's really not an option.

My thoughts and ideas on how to survive homelessness-I have a van. It's in my dad's name, he owns it outright, and pays the insurance on it. I'm on his policy as well. So that's free access to a vehicle large enough to hold my twin bed in the back. Gas is the only issue.-I still need to check with food pantries in the area. The only money I will have for food is whatever I can get my family to give me, and they're all broke. I've been losing weight on low a low carb diet, but I'm going to have to switch to whatever is cheap and will last a day or two in the car.-Monday morning I'm going down to Social Services and hopefully talk to a social worker. Food stamps are limited to 3 months per 3 years if you're a non-disabled adult without a job, and I've already used mine. I'm hoping they'll make an exception because of my situation or something. I'm not holding my breath though. Also maybe they'll have some other form of emergency assistance.-I'm supposed to be getting $50 for some yard work I did this month, probably the first week of the October. I'm thinking I should spend some of that on a gym membership. I've been wanting one anyway, and this will give me a place to shower daily. If they're open 24 hours a day, I may be able to park there and sleep.-Walmart parking lots are supposedly safe and legal for overnight parking, but it can vary by location.-I've read that public libraries are a good place to hang out. You can spend time reading to fill the day, and charge electronics. (I have a smartphone, also paid for by my dad, so that's a free resource as well).

People in the Schizoid Personality Disorder thread from 2007 seemed to feel like the diagnosis didn't quite fit me, and I guess they were right. It wasn't lack of emotion, it was hiding from emotion as a defense mechanism.

BTW Belmont, as for when I moved out to live on my own in college... I was just not comfortable around people, but I honestly think I've always wanted to be around them. I just didn't know how to handle it. Living alone in college was one of the darkest times of my life. I was super depressed, almost never left the apartment, and would lay in bed crying most of the day. World of Warcraft was my only distraction from my misery.

When I was really young, like the first few years of school, I was super happy and outgoing. I had tons of friends, and spent lots of time all over the neighborhood playing with them all. My primary trauma happened when I was 8. By 10 I was overweight and withdrawn. We began to move a lot because my dad was in the military and I never made many friends anywhere we went. I wet the bed until I was 13. I've begun to question whether I'm actually introverted at all. For so long I've thought I was, but lack of human interaction has weighed heavy on me, and now I'm wondering if was naturally more extroverted, but withdrew as a result of trauma.

Now that you're more cognizant of the root cause of your behavior, do you feel like there's any possibility of being able to work through, get past, and function in a relatively normal capacity? Situations like this are frustrating because you're essentially in a catch-22 with the lawyer. In the few years I spent at Children's Services and the Mental Health center, I saw so many of these kinds of "gotchas".. People would would love to better themselves but would eliminate the assistance they desperately needed in order to better themselves.

Wal-Mart parking lots are good for overnight parking. Truck drivers park there all the time, and I also see RV's from time to time. Check church-related resources in the area. It's been my experience, at least around here, that sometimes they are capable of filling the gaps that government assistance leaves wide open.

Does the lawyer feel you have a solid case for disability? What's the estimated time table of that becoming a reality?

Now that you're more cognizant of the root cause of your behavior, do you feel like there's any possibility of being able to work through, get past, and function in a relatively normal capacity?

I'm definitely getting there, just not sure if I'm there yet. I find myself wanting to be around people more, but the anxiety is still there. If I went out and got a job I don't know if the anxiety attacks would return. My therapist and the people in my group therapy have said they notice major differences in my attitude and demeanor, that I've become a lot more open and positive. Even my family, who I don't really share anything with, has noticed. They've begun to complain the I'm more confident and doing things independently, which they don't like. (They're mad if I leave the house or make plans without telling them, and don't like when I stand up for myself. If I go out to lunch or a movie or even a walk after therapy, they'll be texting me asking what's taking so long and saying I should have told them if I wasn't coming straight home.)

I haven't really talked to the lawyer much about my case yet. The process so far has just been me submitting my information to their office, and them submitting it to Social Security. Once I get a hearing date and that starts to get closer, I assume we'll sit down and discuss things at length to prepare for it.

Just to add a little more in response to K-man, now that I'm not on mobile:

Working through that one target memory in therapy with EMDR helped a LOT. If I had been able to continue going, we would have worked on more traumatic memories. Just the amount of change I experienced from doing the one makes me think that if I can get back into therapy, I can make a lot of progress. As I think I said above, I've got a Medicaid hearing on the 10th of October to see if I can get on that. If I can, I'll be back in therapy and doing EMDR. Aside from finding a place to live, this is my current mental focus, and what I hope comes through. I really want to get back into therapy, almost as much as I want a place to live. Maybe more, I'm not sure.

Also, from October 12-17 I'm going on a trip to California courtesy of a friend out there. He rented a large cabin in Lake Tahoe and a bunch of people I've only known online are going to be there and hang out all weekend. I've had the ticket for months already, but I feel like the timing of the trip will be great for giving me something to look forward to, and a break from the new life I may be entering.

Wow, W7RE... thank you for being so open and honest with us. I had always heard that people with histories of child abuse suffered severe consequences. I couldn't really wrap my head around it until both your story and the story I heard from another acquaintance earlier in the week. Crazy that I've gone so many years not knowing and then got a look into two situations in one week.

I really feel for you, man. It sounds there is some really bad timing of things going on, but you are turning a corner. Keep your chin up.

What a post, man. I feel for all you've been going through, but I'm really glad you've started to find some idea of what's going to help you. I struggled with a lot of anger problems and stress in my life too, for years ... stuff that really held me back. It was a regular meditation practice that ended up being the thing for me. There's really nothing like finding something that seems to be working, right?

Wish you luck for sure. If you do live out of a car for a while, make sure to get lots and lots of blankets and stuff for the cold winter months. I've never lived out of a car, but I've spent some extended time in them, and they get super cold. It sounds like even if the worst happens and you're on the street, at least you've got some resources and fallback for the time being. Really hope you can manage the disability.

Good luck either way, and keep us updated. Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Sorry for not keeping up with this thread, but things have been a little difficult lately.

I've been living out of my van for 42 days now. I park at my mom's place, but there's no room for me inside. I store food in her fridge and can use her bathroom, but otherwise I'm outside in the van. I have a long extension cord I run from inside so I can have power. I've got a monitor rigged to hang from the seatbacks and I have my Xbox hooked up, and I connect to wifi with it. That does a great job of giving me something to do during downtime and maintain my sanity. The temperature has been down into the teens a few times already, which is rough. I've got my mattress in the van, and use 2 thick blankets plus a sleeping bag, and that mostly keeps me warm. I didn't have the sleeping bag at first, and that's making a big difference. My brother is still giving me money for food and gas so I can get to and from group therapy, which is twice a week.

Just this past week I got accepted for food stamps. It may only last a few months, not sure, but it's something. I'm still waiting for the card so I can use them. It took a lot of help on the part of my therapist though. She really is going above and beyond to help me out where she can. The psychiatrist had previously refused to fill out some housing paperwork for me on some dumb technicality, but the therapist got her to change her mind on it. Then she resumbitted a medical form for food stamps a couple times until it DSS finally decided I qualified. I still don't know if the housing stuff will pan out, but there's one less hurdle in the way. Disability determination services granted my hardship request as well. They usually take "several months" to get you a hearing, and notify you 75 days in advance. They got me one for the 28th of this month (2 days from now).

I at least got to spend Christmas inside somewhere. A friend from college has family about 200 miles from me, and was visiting them. He sent me some money for gas and I drove out there and spent Saturday, Sunday, and Monday with him and his dad. We played Warhammer 40k (tabletop) all weekend and went to see The Last Jedi in Imax.

Well that's rough, but at least you've got something pretty stable for now. It's great you've got some support through your therapist. And great you got to catch a break for Christmas. Hope things keep heading on an upward track for you.

Rough indeed. In fact, as a latino, it just sounds alien to me. Even if all I had was a hallway, I'd throw unneeded furniture into the garage or wherever, lay out a cot, and let a child or sibling of mine crash there for as long as necessary. It seems so surprising your mom would let you sleep outside in a van in 15-degree F weather.

Sorry for the lack of updates, but days just sort of string together sometimes. I find myself sleeping a lot, I guess because the time goes by faster if I'm not awake. I've been living in the car for 68 days now. I had my disability hearing 3 and a half weeks ago, and I think it went well. My lawyer told me that it typically takes 60-90 days for a decision though, so I could be waiting another 5-9 weeks, even if they grant me disability.

I also just found out this past week that my mom has cancer. They haven't yet told her how bad it is. She goes in to see the oncologist the beginning of February.

So my mom has uterine cancer. They're going to give her hormones and that should take care of it. A hysterectomy may be needed as well, but unless it has spread more than they realize, it should be relatively easy to deal with.

I still have no update on my disability claim. I've been living in my van for 108 days, and it's been 64 days since my disability hearing. My lawyer told me it usually takes 60-90 days, so now that I'm past the 60 day mark, in hoping this will be all over soon. Though I've heard it can take up to a month to start receiving benefits, so I may still have a while to go. The weather is getting warmer, so the cold is becoming less of an issue though.

Really sorry about your mom. That's really rough ... but I hope it turns out to be as easy to deal with as possible. And it's good that it sounds like you've got some hope for the near future, which is good too. Fingers crossed for you, mate.

Time for another update I guess. The online status of my disability claim changed on the 30th of March to show that they've made a decision, but are still finalizing the letter. Of course it doesn't tell me what the decision is. I could be days away from finding out, or still weeks or months, I have no idea. My lawyer says the letter could go back and forth between the judge and the people who write the letter multple times until the judge is satisfied with it. Then once I do get it, if it's in my favor, I may still have to wait to get the money and be able to get into a home.

My mom finally had her surgery for her cancer, after having it delayed multiple times over 3 months. They said in the tissue they removed, they only found pre-cancerous cells. Things seemed good for a few days, and then Monday night this week her right leg started hurting and her foot went numb. 12 hours and one surgery later, she still had no blood flow to her foot and the surgeon was talking to me about amputating it. The second surgery went much better though, and she now has blood flow and is recovering.

Congrats, man! What a ride. I remember how difficult it was waiting to hear about my ex-wife's disability. It was a real struggle. Glad you've got that over with, hopefully it will help you get into a better situation soon.

I am so happy to hear that W7RE. Will it be enough for you to have a roof over your head and meet your expenses?

I think so. I'm already in contact with an apartment complex that has income-based units, and the amount they quoted me should be very doable. I just need to take in the application on Monday. I got my first deposit this past Thursday, so I no longer have to wait for that.

It's still probably going to be a little while before I'm out of the van though. I guess it's a question of how much I let my family drag me down. They insist that my brother cannot live by himself. My mom was just moved to an inpatient physical rehab facility, and will probably be there for two weeks. So until she gets back home to stay with my brother, I'm expected to stay with him. With my mom gone that means there's an empty bed, but with the dogs my allergies would kill me if I stayed inside. They also don't have a working vehicle, and have been relying on me for that as well. The apartments I'm looking at are 30 miles from them, because they live so far out of town. I don't really want to do a lot of driving back and forth if I can help it.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Browsing forums, and especially typing wrong responses, is a lot more difficult on the phone than if I had a keyboard to sit at.

Itís been over four months since I got on disability and Iím still living in the van. I thought I had an apartment lined up that I could afford, but after checking over everything multiple times I realized I can really only afford a place of my own, with no roommates, if itís government subsidized. So Iíve been sitting on waiting lists for the past few months. I have been taking advantage of Medicaid though. I got established with a new doctor, I am now getting my asthma medicine at an affordable price, and have been going to an allergy clinic to get shots to reduce my symptoms. I apparently have some extensive sinus issues, and Iím going in for surgery on those this coming Tuesday.

The big news though, is that this past Friday I got a call from apartment complex, and they think they will have a unit for me before the 1st of September. They may actually be putting in a two bedroom unit at no additional cost, because they donít have any available one bedroom units. Once I get in it will have been about nine months since I moved into the van. I canít believe this might actually be almost over.