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Newlywed sex: How will you respond to the challenges you'll be facing?

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You must determine now what kind
of lover you will be. How will you respond to the inevitable disappointments
and discouragements of sexual love? Will the challenges prove that you are
quick to hold a grudge or eager to forgive? Defensive or humble? Selfish or
sacrificial? Demanding or sensitive?

The conflicts and disappointments
you'll encounter in marriage will have little to do with whether you married
the wrong person. More likely they'll reveal whether you're willing for God to
make you a great lover.

The best marital advice I can
give you is to determine to be a team in sexual intimacy, no matter
what. God has given you sex not just for pleasure and procreation but also to
glue you together in profound ways. Sexual oneness is more than naked bodies touching;
it eventually demands that your love is tested and shared with vulnerability
and ultimate intimacy.

Here are four practical
suggestions for nurturing sexual intimacy in your marriage. These qualities are
true of every great team and all great lovers:

1.Great teams communicate with each other.

Talking about sexual intimacy can be a challenge.
To start with, what words do you use to describe sexual acts, desires and the
sexual parts of the body? The words you like might be offensive to your future husband
or wife. Or maybe you feel awkward talking about the whole topic.

Sexual conversations can quickly
escalate into raw conflict. Why? Because sexuality is core to who you are as a
person. It's humiliating to admit to a porn struggle. It's embarrassing to ask
your spouse for more sex and devastating to hear that you aren't meeting his or
her sexual needs. Sexual conflict usually taps into issues of shame, control,
body image, trust, masculinity and femininity. A lot of couples choose not to
venture into this emotional land mine, so they avoid the topic.

It doesn't take a psychologist to
figure out that you can't solve problems together if you don't communicate. You
can't learn to please each other if the very topic is off limits. So how do you
learn to talk about sex together? I have a couple tried-and-true tips for you:

Let someone else
start the conversation. When my husband, Mike, and I encountered this roadblock, we used resources
like books, marriage seminars and radio broadcasts to bring up the topics that
we didn't know how to address. When authors such as Cliff and Joyce Penner
explained a common problem, I could just say, "I feel like they just
described me." These outside resources gave us the permission and the
words to start the conversation.

Make sexual
conversations safe. I
can think of at least a handful of times when I hurt Mike with insensitive
words on this topic. Sometimes it was a flippant remark; other times my cutting
words came out of my own hurt. Be aware that your future spouse is probably
very sensitive about sexual issues, just like you are. Ask questions and
listen. His or her perspective will be very different from yours, so don't
assume anything. If you have a "complaint" about your sexual
relationship after you marry, share it with grace, remembering that you are
both learning how to love each other.

2. Great teams have solid coaching.

If talking about sex with your future spouse is
difficult, admitting a sexually related problem to a doctor, therapist or
pastor may feel even harder. Yet that's exactly what might be required to get
through challenges like a sexual addiction, physical problems, infertility or
healing from sexual abuse. I've heard of couples who stopped having sex
altogether because the husband or wife was too embarrassed to get help.

A great sexual relationship will
require you to fight through barriers. At times this will mean admitting that
you need help. Getting married, establishing a sexual relationship with your
spouse, and even having children can trigger wounds and memories of sexual
trauma for both men and women. It will be very difficult to move forward in
intimacy in marriage without addressing past trauma.

As a psychologist, I've had the
privilege of working with many marriages through difficulties related to
intimacy. I have the greatest respect for a young man or woman who is willing
to ask for help and engage in the healing process. If you have sexual trauma in
your past or think you have a sexual addiction, please don't try to convince
yourself that your wounds will go away. The great news is that God is the
Healer, even of sexual pain. His truth can set you free from lies, His peace
can calm your anxiety, His forgiveness can cleanse the darkest sin and His love
can be a healing balm over violation and betrayal.

How do you know whom to ask for
help? It might sound cliché, but the best place to start is to ask the Lord for
wisdom and healing. Very few Christian couples ever pray together about their
sexual relationship. Has it ever dawned on you that God cares about your sexual
intimacy? He does. He created it and He blesses it. He is also able to provide
the wisdom and direction you need through His Word, His Spirit and the advice
of wise counsellors and experts.

Be aware that some "sex
experts" offer immoral and destructive advice. When I was in my doctoral
program, I took classes on human sexuality that encouraged married couples to
do everything from visiting strip clubs together to divorcing if they were
"sexually incompatible." Be sure that any books you read or advice
you take comes from someone who recognizes God as the creator of sex and the
ultimate source for how it should work.

3. Great teams never confuse a teammate for
the opponent.

Sexual temptation is nothing new. Just
read Proverbs, which was written thousands of years ago, and you'll see that
even then, young men were strongly warned to avoid the deception of an alluring
harlot. Then and now, there have always been avenues to seek out
illicit sex; today it is actively pursuing us – whether we're male or
female, married or single.

Almost every young man and many
young women will enter marriage with some history of exposure to pornography or
erotica (often the female version of porn). Because of its widespread use,
visual and written porn are often accepted as facts of modern-day life. But
just because something is widespread doesn't mean it isn't also dangerous.

One of Satan's most successful
strategies is to turn husbands and wives against each other. He constantly
attempts to destroy, demolish and distort married sex. Not only will he use
sexual temptation to water down your sexual intimacy, he will try to use the
battle to divide you. Battling sexual temptation is difficult enough, but it
becomes impossible when you are fighting each other instead of clearly
identifying the true enemy.

If either of you struggles with
sexual temptation, you must begin to identify your problem as a couple.
I don't mean that you should take responsibility for your fiancé(e)'s purity.
However, when sexual sin and temptation hits one of you, it impacts both of
you. Satan will use pornography, inappropriate emotional attachments and other
forms of temptation to further divide you if he can define your spouse-to-be as
"the problem" or "the enemy." As long as you are fighting
each other, you cannot stand together.

Standing together starts with
humility and empathy. As Jesus taught, we cannot lovingly confront another
person's sin until we've brought our own failings before God and sought His
grace. You might not know what it's like to struggle with sexual temptation,
but you do know what it's like to have a "besetting sin." Maybe yours
is gossip, dishonesty, bitterness, pride or coveting. Once you're married, if
you encounter sexual sin in your marriage, confront your spouse with the
humility and awareness of your own weaknesses rather than feeding shame with a
self-righteous spirit of judgment.

Empathy doesn't mean that you
ignore the problem, but that you strive together in God's strength to honour
Him. The thing I love about this is it turns Satan's strategies against him.
Instead of letting Satan divide you, you and your future spouse will become
more united than ever as you fight together for your marriage. Indeed, God can
"[work all things] together for good, for those who are called according
to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

4. Great teams play offence and defence.

If you're a sports fan, you know the importance of
a great offence and defence. No team can win the Super Bowl, the World Series,
an NBA championship or the World Cup without both. The same will be true in
your marriage. For your love life to flourish and go the distance, you'll have
to work together to build offensive and defensive strategies.

A lot of the information you get
from Christian sources emphasizes defence. Many sermons and books teach about
the importance of purity in marriage, setting up hedges against affairs and
battling temptation. Building boundaries and safeguards to keep your marriage
bed pure is extremely important. You'll need to talk about things like whether
to keep old flames as Facebook friends and what boundaries to have with
opposite-sex co-workers. What is currently an innocent connection may become a
source of temptation when things in your marriage get difficult. As hard as it
may be to imagine today, you will face sexual temptation at some point in your
marriage. Start preparing for it now.

Just as important as playing
defence in your marriage, you'll need to work together to learn how to
"score" (yes, the pun is intended)! As they say in sports, "The
best defence is a great offence." This definitely applies to marital
sexuality. A couple who has a mutually satisfying, exciting sex life is far
less open to temptation than a couple who doesn't.

How do you plan for an exciting
sex life in marriage? First by realizing that you have permission to do so. A
lot of Christians have a hard time erasing all of the "thou shalt
not" messages. Even though you might intellectually know it's OK to have
sex once you're married, you may still feel restrained or guilty for being too
sexual. Are Christians really supposed to get carried away with sexual
pleasure in the marriage bed? The answer is yes! If you don't believe me, take
a look at the Song of Songs. Both Solomon and his bride were very free with
their bodies and their words and were absolutely taken with sexual pleasure.
And God said this was good!

John Piper encourages married
couples to offensively battle Satan by pleasing each other in bed:

"A married couple gives a severe blow to the head of that ancient
serpent when they aim to give as much sexual satisfaction to each other as
possible. Is it not a mark of amazing grace that on top of all the pleasure
that the sexual side of marriage brings, it also proves to be a fearsome weapon
against our ancient foe?"

There is nothing spiritual about
settling for a mediocre sex life. Yes, there will be seasons of marriage in
which sex might be difficult or may not be a high priority. But God's desire
for you is that you work toward experiencing the greatest sexual delight in one
another. As you look forward to marriage, take some time to talk together about
what steps you think God would have you take to lay the foundation for intimacy
that will last a lifetime.

Building a great sex life over
the years will take intentionality, time and effort. But trust me, it's well
worth the effort, and it's a whole lot more fun than just playing defence!

I'm so glad that the greatest sex
isn't on your honeymoon (or before you're married), as some might have led you
to believe. If you stay committed to "making love" after the
honeymoon, your sexual journey will get sweeter and sweeter with time. Once
you're married, don't neglect this important part of your marriage. With a
little effort and patience, the depth of intimacy you can achieve will be
indescribable.