A collection of the best Little Johnny Jokes and the newest Little Johnny Jokes!
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A little boy and his mother, shopping for Easter candies and decorations, ran into their minister in the store. Mom and reverend exchanged a little chit-chat. Then the reverend looked at little Johnny and asked, “So, what are you up to today?” “Oh,” Johnny said, “We’re getting ready for Easter!” Seeing a pedagogical opportunity, the reverend replied “Oh really? Hey, just what exactly is Easter anyway? Do you know what happened on Easter?” Little Johnny looked at the reverend a little offended. “Of course I know what Easter is. It’s when Jesus went to Jerusalem, and he rode a donkey, and they waved palms at him.” “That’s right, go on” said the reverend.” “And he got in trouble and he was beat up and yelled at and then they nailed him on a cross and then he died.” “Very good Johnny! What happened next?” “Well then they put him in a tomb and they put a big rock in front of it. But three days later he got raised and got out of there.” “Johnny, that’s great!” said the reverend, pleased to know his Sunday School program worked so well. “But that’s not all” said Johnny. “Oh, said reverend, what else?” “Well, the rock got rolled back, and he stepped out, and he looked around, and if he sees his shadow there’s six more weeks of winter.”

“It will if it’s your big brother’s candy!”

Just before the holidays started, Johnny’s teacher told the class that she was going to have a trivia contest. Students who correctly answered the questions would be allowed to leave early. This got Johnny’s attention.

His teacher asked the first question “Who said, I have a dream?”

Johnny knew this one and his hand was up before anyone else.

The teacher picked Sally and Sally answered Matin Luther King, Jr.

The teacher said, “Right, you may leave. Have a nice holiday.”

”Next question.”

“Who said, Ask not what your country can do for you, but…?”

Little Johnny was super excited because he knew this one, too. He waved his hand furiously so that his teacher would pick him.

But the teacher chose Andrea.

Andrea said, “That was John F Kennedy.” Of course she was right and she was allowed to leave early.

Little Johnny was getting quite upset. He knew the answers and his hand was up first.

“Next question.”

“Who said, That’s one small step for man, one giant…?”

Johnny couldn’t believe his luck because he knew this one, also.

His hand shot up like a rocket.

The teacher looked around and finally picked another little girl, Susan.

Susan said Neil Armstrong and the teacher told her she could leave and hoped she enjoyed the holidays.

By this time Little Johnny was fuming. He wanted to go home early. It wasn’t fair and he whispered, a little too loudly, “Christ, I wish those bitches would just shut up!”

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..’

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, ” Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? ”

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
“The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too”.
“Very good”, says the teacher.
Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on said
“Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two”.

A teacher asked Little Johnny ,
“Can people predict the future with cards?”
His response was, “My mother can.”
The teacher replied, “Really?”
Little Johnny was quick to explain,
“Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”