This is Natalie Dylan, the girl auctioning off her virginity on the Bunny Ranch website to pay for her college loans. Here are questions bidders should ask Natalie Dylan, the Girl Auctioning Off Her Virginity.

8. Do we have to do it at the Bunny Ranch?

We saw that show “Cathouse” on HBO and that place gives us the creeps. And we have a suspicion that the fat owner guy, Dennis Hoff, finds a way to watch. *Shudder*

7. Am I the worst person alive?

You’re obviously very wealthy. Should you give your money to charity or scientific research? No! Fuck those people! You need to give tens of thousands of dollars away because you’ve had sex with hookers… but not any virgin hookers. Classy.

6. What is this for, again?

Natalie Dylan said she plans on being a marriage and family counselor. No. Nobody wants any advice on anything from you. This won’t help you get a counseling career. This is only going to jump start your career as a fancy prostitute. Except your rate will go down as soon as that V Card is cashed in.

5. Am I Charlie Sheen or Todd McFarlane?

That McFarlane guy paid millions for steroid home run balls. Maybe that Spawn money is burning a hole in his pocket again. He clearly has no idea what to do with money. And Charlie Sheen is always a good guess when it comes to a high dollar prostitute purchases.

4. How do I convert my money from Dubai into U.S. dollars?

Nobody likes virgins more than billionaire Middle Easterners. And nobody spends money on dumb shit like Dubai. Dubai might actually shut down until the bidding is over.

3. How many times has she seen “Pretty Woman”?

Hopefully that number is below 5 because, if not, she’s gonna expect things. Like a shopping spree and respect. And that’s not part of the deal!

2. Am I Ashley Dupree?

Come on, Ashley Dupree! You can’t have some rookie stealing all of your thunder as the world’s most famous prosti. Get in there and bid! The only way you can keep your ‘most famous hooker’ title is to deflower this girl yourself. It’s not like you’re above this.

1. Is she one of those anal-only virgins?

That’s a valid question. She’s 22 and clearly troubled. How do we know she’s not taken years and years of backdoor action? You wouldn’t pay top dollar for a new house if the front door was brand new, but the back yard got destroyed by a runaway dump truck.