Bisexuality: it's more about you than them

Sexual health therapist

Over the years I have encountered several clients who've told me they are bisexual. One of them had a dilemma. A woman in her late twenties had experienced several short-term relationships with women and men since she was a teenager. For the past three years, she had been in a monogamous relationship with a male partner, and now he had asked her to marry him.

She loves him and they both would like to have children. The problem is that she has never told him that she is bisexual; she prefers to be in a heterosexual relationship because settling down and having a family is very important to her. Now her difficulty was, should she tell him or not!

I am often surprised how many people know very little about their partner's sexual past. Sometimes this is because they don't know how to ask, or they don't want to know because of insecurity or jealousy. Having to compete with a member of the opposite sex can even be more daunting!

Most people don't understand the concept of bisexuality, and the assumption is often made that “you are either, gay, straight, or lying”. Many bisexual people complain that they feel like outsiders, who don't fit in to the gay or straight world. It's difficult for them to find acceptance and there are very few role models.

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Gay men often believe that bisexual men are really gay, but in denial. Bisexual women are often mistrusted by lesbians for “sleeping with the enemy” while straight women may reject bisexual men out of misguided fear they may have HIV or other sexual transmitted infections. Bisexual men are told to make up their minds.

The sex researcher Alfred Kinsey noted more than 50 years ago, that sexual attraction varies along a continuum and he devised a seven-point scale to describe this. At one end are people who are exclusively heterosexual and at the other end people who are exclusively homosexual. In between are many graduations of desire. This third category, meaning people with some significant attraction to both genders is called bisexuality.

In Australia there hasn't been much research done yet into the subject. However last year in the US a Pew Research Centre survey revealed that bisexuals differ from gay men and lesbians on a range of attitudes and experiences related to their sexual orientation. For example, while 77 per cent of gay men and 71 per cent of lesbians say most or all of the important people in their lives know of their sexual orientation, just 28 per cent of bisexuals say the same.

Many bisexuals avoid coming out because they don't want to deal with misconceptions that bisexuals are indecisive or incapable of monogamy, or going through a phase (stereotypes that also exist among straights, gays and lesbians alike). They also feel that they are sometimes shunned by the gay and lesbian and the straight world alike.

Another client, who has been happily married for 20 years and has three children, has an active sex life with his wife, but he also has occasional anonymous sex with men. He explained that while he is not romantically attracted to men, it's exciting and easy to hook up with another man and get a sexual release. But his wife found out and was devastated and she believes he must be gay or bisexual.

This scenario happens quite often, and the men in this category are known as “married men who have sex with men”. Most of these men insist they are not gay or bisexual. However it's very confronting and confusing for their wives if they are found out.

So, with all the myths and prejudices that bisexuals experience, will they be more accepted in the near future? There are many gay characters in the movies or TV but very few bisexual ones. Exceptions include Nolan Ross, the wealthy software inventor in the popular TV show Revenge. And The Good Wife has an interesting main character, the investigator Kalinda Sharma.

As for celebrities, Anna Paquin, Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, and Angelina Jolie have openly stated that they are bisexual, but maybe it's slightly more acceptable for women. Katy Perry famously performed a song called I Kissed a Girl and Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage, but I doubt if Justin Bieber or Bruno Mars would have dared to kiss a boy!

What do you think?

79 comments

I'm male, straight and married for 33 years but found sex with my lifelong partner lacking. I have enjoyed several different affairs with women over the years. I've never had a gay relationship nor have I fantasized about it - I love the female body and thoroughly enjoy a woman enjoying sex. I don't wish to leave our marriage and at the same time I can't see myself being monogamous. My feelings and actions are not unique and appear to duplicate the sentiment about “married men who have sex with men”. Maybe society asks us to behave in a way which is not entirely natural. Could it be that different partners (straight or gay) along the way bring us a greater sense of happiness and self discovery? I didn't contemplate this in my 20's prior to marrying but have experienced exciting and joy filled times along the way. Maybe we can relax a little around this subject - the French seem to be far more liberal and may I say forward thinking about this topic.

Commenter

dajoha

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 4:00AM

The French are more liberal because both parties know what is going on and have a choice about it.

Have you given your wife a choice? How would you feel about her doing what you are doing? It would be most selfish & unfair for you to enjoy a "pretend monogamous" relationship, whilst hiding behind the solidity and respectability of a family, while your wife has no say in it.

Stop being a blood sucking hypocrite. If a monogamous relationship (with a man or a woman) does not suit you - leave, TODAY.

Commenter

Sigh

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 10:21AM

If you can put your hand on your heart and say that you wouldn't mind if your wife did the same then I stand for you. However if that is not the case you are deluded.

Commenter

TheGimp

Location

Perth

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 1:33PM

@Sigh. Bitter, much? Sounds as if someone has done the exact thing to you and messed you up bigtime. Instead of making personal attacks against Dajoha, perhaps you ought to read carefully what he's said. Monogamy doesn't happen naturally. You have to work at it. If things slip, inevitably things begin to wander. There's always two sides to the story. Who knows perhaps Dajoha's wife is doing the same thing without his knowledge. In any case, it sounds as if an open marriage may well be the way to go here, with both parties consenting of course.

Commenter

G.L. Higginbottom

Location

Perth

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 2:21PM

Here is my take on sexuality. The wiring circuit in the brain for the majority of people is such that males are attracted to females and vice versa, whereas for homosexuals, the wiring is reversed. Not a big deal and in no way should they be regarded as being immoral or sinful. They were not responsible for the physical make up of their brains, no more than for someone who is born with only four fingers on their left hand. Bisexuals are basically in the same category but probably have two 'wires' connected to a terminal designed for only one. Again, these people are not responsible for the way they are and should not bare the brunt of ignorant people. Do you mock and criticize someone who was born with six fingers on their hand.

Commenter

kanga

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 2:47PM

@Kanga.

May I respectfully suggest that there is nothing 'immoral or sinful' about homosexuality and bisexuality, regardless of biology, psychology, nurture or nature.

As a gay man, I appreciate the your accepting attitude of sexual diversity, but I do get a little annoyed by the well meaning but flawed "we should accept them because it's not their fault" argument - and argument that many in the LGBT community often play straight into themselves.

I don't need a reason to accept who I am. And I suspect your don't either.

It's a subtle point, but an important one - at least to me.

Commenter

Peter

Location

Brisbane

Date and time

February 19, 2014, 8:48AM

5 of the 7 points in Kinsey's scale apply to varying degrees of bisexuality.

Sexual activity common in prisons suggests that a large proportion of men are prepared to have sex with other men in certain (albeit extreme) circumstances.

Outside prison, the actual practices are distorted by societal and religious norms. Here in Australia, it would be a brave man who admitted to his mates on a building site that he thought the new apprentice had a nice arse (such attraction is often given expression by insulting humour directed at the new apprentice or by bastardisation - in both cases the 'homosexuality' is transferred from the beholder to the object of the attraction).

Interestingly, in some Arab countries, sex with other men is more common. In those places a man who is exclusively the penetrator is not considered homosexual.

Commenter

gobsmack

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 6:50AM

"Interestingly, in some Arab countries, sex with other men is more common. In those places a man who is exclusively the penetrator is not considered homosexual."

WAAAT? That is a huge statement that would need evidence to support itself. The truth is in most Arab countries homosexuality is treated with contempt with most of them promoting the death penalty at worst, and against the law at best.

Where on earth did you get idea that sex with other men is more common?

Commenter

HarryFromBroadmeadows

Location

Broadmeadows

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 7:18PM

"Bisexual women are often mistrusted by lesbians for “sleeping with the enemy”.

Rubbish. Most lesbians don't view men as 'the enemy'. Any wariness towards bisexual women most likely comes from the fact that the majority of bisexual women ultimately settle down with men because it's easier socially and because they want a family, as stated in this article. Lesbian women may not want to invest their time, energy and emotions into something that's not likely to last. They have every right to protect themselves from emotional pain and upheaval without being labelled 'man-haters' or bi-phobic.

"while straight women may reject bisexual men out of misguided fear they may have HIV or other sexual transmitted infections".

This is not a misguided fear. Of course anyone can contract an infectious disease from anyone else regardless of sexual orientation, but minimising real risks in the name of political correctness helps no-one. HIV is most prevalent and is becoming increasingly prevalent amongst gay men and men who sleep with men in this country. There is a risk that bisexual men can pass on infectious diseases and STD's to their wives and partners. Women have a right to be concerned about their health. They can find help, advice and support here.

http://www.womenpartners.org.au/

Commenter

Lee

Date and time

February 18, 2014, 6:52AM

Again, another comment which is misguided..."Lesbian women may not want to invest their time, energy and emotions into something that's not likely to last. They have every right to protect themselves from emotional pain and upheaval without being labelled 'man-haters' or bi-phobic"......

For me being bisexual is not about shagging everything that moves...or leaving one gender for another at the drop of a hat. I love people. I fall in love with a person, their personality, not their gender. If I am in a relationship, I am in it with that one person. It will or wont last on its own merits.

The argument is rubbish about lesbians investing time and emotions into something that wont last out of fear that the other person will leave......if your partner is going to leave you it is because the relationship is not working, gender has nothing to do with it. The rate of relationship breakups among lesbians is quite high, and the I would love to know the percentage that breakup because they are shagging their best friends lady....so if you want to argue about instability, upheaval and emotional pain have a look in your own backyard............

The risk of sexually transmitted diseases comes not from being bisexual, but from unprotected sex with men or women. The risk of passing on sexually transmitted diseases is going to happen between women/women , men/women, men/men......Being bisexual does not mean that you are going to be off in the bushes cheating on your partner and bringing home an STD.