08-14-14 Julie Stewart, President of Sportsheets International talks beginner BDSM with Frank Kobola of Cosmopolitan Magazine

7 Quick and Easy Ways to Experiment With Kink

In case you’re only ready for 25 Shades of Grey.

When you’re venturing into the world of BDSM and kink for the first time, it can feel overwhelming and frightening, like when Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion all ventured into the Haunted Forest except with gags and — you know what? That’s a terrible metaphor. There are several things to keep in mind before you even start spanking each other.

First off, communication is important before, during, and after sex. You may wind up hating something, or loving something and wanting to explore it further.And take new things one at a time. “Look at it like a meal. If you’ve never tried crab legs, you might not want to eat, like, six other things that you’ve never tried either, because I imagine it would take away from the crab legs,” says Julie Stewart, President of Sportsheets, a company that specializes in sex toys and BDSM accessories.

Experiment and figure out what role you like playing. You might even be BDSM-ambidextrous. “One person may be giving up a little bit and letting the other person be more dominant,” says Stewart. “And I think there’s something to say about all of this. It isn’t always ‘Well, the woman always does this, and the man always does this.’ Like sex positions, it doesn’t have the be the man this way and the women this way. It can be you try it, than he tries it.”

Don’t breach each other’s trust, either. For example: don’t spank your partner harder than they’re comfortable with because you’re mad about a fight you had earlier.

Here are some suggestions for where to start:

1. Do it in the closet. “You’ve got your scarves, your neckties. You’re kind of taking a normal, household piece of clothing and turning it into a little something exciting,” says Stewart. A blindfold is a good starter because you can still have sex the way you normally would. “A normal touch feels different because you can’t see or anticipate where it’s going to be,” says Stewart. Any item of clothing can be used to blindfold your partner as long as it isn’t sheer.

2. Have a tickle fight. When you’re turned on, your body can respond to the slightest touch, and changing the way you touch your partner (and what you touch them with) can make for drastic results. Grabbing something soft, like a feather duster (one that hasn’t been in all the cracks of your house) or even a soft glove or mitten, and running it along your partner’s body will be a drastically different experience for them compared to when you just use your hand.

3. Use the frozen fruit in the back of your fridge. Restraining your partner and rubbing them down with something icy is another way to alter the way you’re touching their body and making things feel more extreme without involving any pain or serious discomfort.

4. Shut your partner up. The ball-gag is the stereotypical BDSM accoutrement, and it’s easy to fashion one out of say, balled-up panties. “They’re the blindfold for your mouth because it’s the same thing — it’s removing one more level of control where you can’t communicate. You have to communicate differently, through your expression,” says Stewart.

5. Do it in the kitchen. “So I think there’s all sorts of things that people can use and they sure do use at home. I mean there’s spatulas, and any kind of leather; you know, like the end of the belt, not the metal part,” says Stewart. You don’t have to hit them as hard as you can and inflict pain (Stewart also cautions that it’s best not to do these kinds of activities after a big fight), but just like with a lot of BDSM, it’s about introducing a different sensation. Light taps or even running these objects along your partner’s body can be exciting.

6. Use room temperature oils. As much as you probably want to re-enact that Ricky Martin video that always played on TRL in the late ’90s, it’s best to avoid using very hot waxes and oils. “You know any time where you have to stop and go ‘OK, is there any potential risk where I could give my partner blisters?’ maybe you should be getting a different implement of excitement,” says Stewart. There are hemp candles and other alternatives designed for massages, but even those waxes should be left to cool for a few minutes before being applied to skin.

7. The best thing to put in their butt is your hand. “One reason anal play is so popular is because there’s so many nerve endings there. You know the potential for pleasure is very high and the potential for pain is very high,” explains Stewart. Just like with any other new forms of play, it’s best to start slow. “The perfect thing to start with anal is your hand because you can feel it. If you’re pushing on your partner’s muscles and you are hitting the right spot, you can feel that. If you’re grabbing a toy or an object, you might just keep pushing.”

And always use lube. Always. “Lube should be considered a household object. That shouldn’t be a sex toy. Lubricant is like having soap and moisturizer in your house, I think. Everybody should have it. It’s like having butter and milk in your refrigerator.”