Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Castlevania: Dracula Ain't No Thang

NOTE: The following is tongue-in-cheek. I feel stupid even having to point that out, but apparently there's a growing number of people who actually write like this and expect it to be taken seriously. And there's an even greater number of people stupid enough to take everything they see at face-value. And that's more terrifying than any ghoul or goblin I can think of.

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I don't get why Dracula gets such a bad rap in the Castlevania games.

Besides his fashion sense, I mean.

What exactly did this guy do? So the guy needs blood to survive. That's not HIS fault. I can't blame you for needing food. And blood is something we naturally renew, so you don't even have to kill your victim, unlike all of those cattle we go through on a daily basis. How do you live with yourselves?

His castle shows he has fine taste(not counting the mausoleums and skull-walls and such). At least the guy has some class. How many people reading this have a bedroom as tidy and elegant as this guy's? And I don't think yours has an kickass blood-fountain or doorman who's also a Griffon. And have I mentioned he's not a sparkly dipshit metaphor for abstinence?

Okay, yes, in all fairness sometimes he seduces a fair maiden(with or without her permission is still arguable). But the guy probably doesn't get a lot of action. His home is full of creatures with boobs, yes, but there's a problem: You're literally scoring tail there. Harpies, Medusas, Arachne, etc. It's the Mermaid Conundrum. Can you blame him if after the thousands of years without getting any human pussy, he might get a bit desperate for a gal with all of her parts in the right place?

Maybe Succubus is being kind of a bitch, lately.

Don't you judge here. If you were a man, with certain needs, and you were practically immortal and in a castle with monsters that for some reason had huge human tits, and you were literally getting no other action for hundreds of years, you'd consider it.

Rumours that there are a pair of wings in this picture have yet to be confirmed.

While we're on the subject of breasts beasts, "Oooh, he keeps a bunch of scary creatures in his home, WHAT AN ASSHOLE!"

Yeah, he keeps all of the world's worst monsters confined in one place where they can't do harm to the peasants outside the castle walls. You're welcome. And maybe after years of guys with whips breaking and entering your home with intent to commit homicide, while stealing valuable artifacts and smashing your chandeliers, you'd want some home security too.

There's always this prophecy bullshit about the cookie-cutter "everlasting darkness" that would happen if he ever came back, but they never let him be resurrected long enough to see if that's just a bunch of fear-mongering or not. Yeah, he's got a low opinion on humans. Maybe because they keep killing him and trashing his house? And so what if he wants to take over the world? It's not like our species has a good track record going when it comes to electing HUMAN world leaders. At least Dracula's genocides would have Minotaurs, an electric guitar soundtrack and be fucking awesome.

I'm just sayin'. Maybe the real villain in Castlevania... is us.

Okay us, and Death. I don't know what that guy's problem is. (But then, it's always seemed weird to me that he's the second-fiddle in that relationship.)