Yet Another Recount Tests My Constitution

Out of Bounds

December 26, 2000|By David Whitley, Sentinel Columnist

FOXBORO, Mass. -- It's not over till the Fat Man sings, and Tim Bowens was warming up his vocal cords. The Dolphins' rotund lineman was crowing about Miami's victory against New England on Sunday, when the NFL Big Brothers barged into the locker room and ordered everybody back on the field.

It was 35 minutes after the game, and the refs decided there were still three seconds left. Stranger things have happened, but they involved Bill Clinton and a stolen goat. Neither was at Foxboro Stadium, where a dangerous precedent could have been furthered.

It's one thing to appeal the presidential election into 35 overtimes. But jacking around with the NFL playoff picture, now that's a potential constitutional crisis. Where would we be if endless reviews had been standard operating procedure?

Without finality, there is chaos. Did the Titans protest the last play of last season's Super Bowl on the technicality the ground can't cause a tackle?

Wouldn't the Grammy Awards like to go into Christopher Cross' dressing room and make him replay whatever it was that got him the 1980 "Best New Artist" award?

This Just In: The Russians have appealed the United States' 1969 victory in the Space Race to the moon.

"Vee are not sure Neil Armstrong had both feet inbounds," Vladimir Putin said.

What if Great Britain claimed the ballots from Lexington and Concord were too confusing for their redcoats to figure out? The partisan courts would have gotten involved, George Washington might not have crossed the Delaware and we could all be eating McHaggis burgers at Mickey D's.

And did Hulk Hogan get to keep wrestling Goldberg until he . . . OK, bad example.

But seriously, this snatching victory and defeat from the jaws of certainty is getting a little too common. As the Fat Cartoon Character once said, "Ehh-beh-deh-beh-deh, that's all folks!"

Porky Pig never would have cut it as an NFL official.

Side orders

After last week's fine shooting exhibitions (Charlotte 23, Miami 19, etc.), the NBA has decided the best way to increase scoring is to start making each basket worth five points.

What's this about 76ers Coach Larry Brown getting fed up and skipping two practices this month? Who does he think he is -- a Denver Nugget?

I love NASCAR with all my transmission fluid, but I wish fans would stop chirping about how no other sport has 200,000 people show up to watch. As usual, about 900,000 showed up to watch NFL games over the weekend. They just don't show up in the same place.

The BBC reported that an asteroid traveling more than 20 miles per second flew perilously close to Earth last week. A direct hit would have been the equivalent of 20 megatons of TNT. A closer look at the tape, however, revealed it was just one of Shaq's free throws.

It wasn't bad enough the Bucs were fined $15,000 for an end-zone dance last week against St. Louis. The embarrassing thing was that it had been so long since they'd scored, the players did the Charleston.

If Darren Dreifort is worth $11 million a year, shouldn't Pedro Martinez be getting about $50 million?

Venus Williams signed an $8 million-a-year deal with Reebok after winning two Grand Slams and two Olympic gold medals? Maybe now people will lay off Anna Kournikova, who made only $6.8 million in endorsements this year for showing a lot of leg.

Did you see where a man's body was found at London's Gatwick Airport after he fell from his hiding place in the landing gear of a plane? In a related story, the body of a small Argentine kicker was found at Green Bay airport on Sunday night after apparently being thrown from a charter plane headed for Tampa. Authorities see no connection between the incidents.

1974: Upon further review, the NFL says Miami must play the final three seconds of its perfect 1972 season.

2000: George Bailey throws himself off a bridge, comes back as Daniel Snyder, sells the Savings and Loan to buy the Bedford Falls Redskins and is thrown off the bridge again by irate season-ticket holders.