Horror

I reckon the best way to get the measure of a new horror film is to test how easy it is to replicate the scares in your own home. For example: to 'Blair Witch' someone is to stand motionless and in silence while facing a corner; to 'Body Snatch' someone is to point at them and scream; to pull a 'Paranormal Activity' is to stand next to someone as they sleep and watch them lose their shit when they wake up. The best horror movies tap into something dark and primitive that lurks in us all. It Follows is one such horror movie and contains a core DIY scare tactic that can be replicated by anyone at any time - one that can turn even a well-lit, friendly afternoon picnic into a pant-stained arena of terror.

I saw Woman In Black 2 about a month ago and I didn't make a lot of notes. No, you're unprofessional. But I didn't make a lot of notes because I felt by its third act that it was broadly doing what it had set out to, in the way that a lot of mainstream horror movies tend to quite competently, and that to review it straight would be to retread ground I've already trodden in other reviews. But one interesting thing did occur to me. Read on if you like tedious narrative theory!

Have you ever had your enjoyment of a film completely derailed by a small, insignificant part of that movie? A niggle that becomes a bother than becomes all you can think about? I had that with possession thriller Deliver Us From Evil, a competent, forgettable horror flick from the guy who made Sinister. It's a fairly enjoyable movie, if a little flat and unambitious, but in terms of possession movies starring C-list actors with bad scripts, it's par for the course. Except for one thing. A single sound effect. Which ruins the entire movie.

The first Purge movie had a fantastic concept: that sometime in the near future, in order to pacify the populace for the rest of the year, all crime including murder would be legal for one night only. The biggest crime, however, was just how wasted the concept was on a home invasion storyline that barely ventured outside of Ethan Hawke's front door. Thankfully, this year's sequel The Purge: Anarchy goes some way into exploring that ridiculous concept to a more satisfying degree, and in pulling back to a wider angle to see the effect of The Purge on a whole city instead of a single household, it pulls off a pretty good impression of The Warriors to boot. It's time to come out to pla-aaay...

So I was browsing new movie posters on the internet as usual, looking for something to belittle to make myself feel better, when I found a poster for a horror film called 'The Appearing'. As in a noun. Um... I think the word they were looking for was 'Apparition'. Except a film called The Apparition came out last year. It's official: there are no more cool-sounding words left to use in horror movie titles.

WWE setting up a film studio is a fairly natural progression. It's been a conveyor belt to throw stars like Stone Cold Steve Austin and John Cena into cash-in action films, and now here it is with splatterfest No One Lives, featuring a minor role for wrestler George Murdoch. Fine by me, but remember when the wrestlers would do those promos to camera where they shouted angrily about the bodily harm they were about to do their opponent? Well, imagine a film in which everyone spoke like that throughout, then at some point came face-to-face with their own small intestine. Yep, you're there.

The Hollyoaks late-night special was, on the surface, a glorious thing. Not only would the characters suddenly free themselves from the confines of decency that a pre-watershed airing imposed and begin to say words like "piss", there would also be a strong suggestion that you would see the breasts of the blondest cast member of the age. These goods were never delivered, but they do seem to have been the creative inspiration behind Gemma Atkinson's casting in The Dyatlov Pass Incident.

Den Of Geek present another night of scary stories from some of the UK's scariest storytellers - Paul Ross not included - and it's all to raise money for charity. Order your tickets now and enjoy a guilt-free Sunday.

Take one old farm house, the more secluded the better; throw in a close-knit family excited about their new dream home; if they've got a young daughter prone to imaginary friends then that's absolute perfection. Chuck in a few slamming doors and kids yanked from their beds and you've got the recipe for a chilling, if unoriginal horror movie.