“De Oerknal” – or, “The Big Bang” is painted by one of the big Flemish painters Derk van Durt. It was a breakthrough and pointed to a new era and a new way of perceiving for the Dutch painters. Wildly eruptive as it is, the painter shares his agony of separation – the darkness and chaos of it – and still, in the center floats our precious Earth – still colorless, uninhabited – before the mighty seas and all the rest came into being

NOT 🙂

This is in fact a drawer in my drying cabinet – which I suddenly got the urge to draw out today –

and then I wished i didn’t

until I saw the beauty in it

Now you see the drawer, and notice how quick the energy shifts from “great painting from famous artist”

to DIRT

So I would like to show you the same shelf again, now with just a little bit of warm water, nothing else ( I was prepared to truly scrub here)

The essence of coming to Presence as I see it:
1) STOP and come back to NOW
2)Breathe, and remember Who is breathing
3) Notice without judging, with interested curiosity – embracing it

*3 questions for the Christ Child:

Precious child I love, how can I support you?

Allow warmth to come into this cold. Breathe LovesBreath into it

What do you most need from me?

To BE WITH ME and embrace me – and not only to sit with and breathe: To play, to experiment with art – poetry,stories,dance,textiles,music,movement -to experience being one with creation instead of being the part you project all your horrors on to

Is there any change I could make that would allow you to flower even more?

Take a session with Zach Rehder for help with really being with these energies- and learn to accept gifts.

( An editor just offered me his service for free – and I notice that I think that IF I accept it, he will secretly be displeased, and the grievance will turn to hatred, and then he will come and attack me.)

I notice the strong link I have built in my mind between men’s ill-will with me ( which means I must conform 100% to their expectations) and then a sudden brutal and vicious attack. I have worked with this complex consciously since I was 23 in all kind of therapies and trainings and being initiated into many traditions – and 25 years as therapist with my patients and myself. My book When Fear Comes Home to Love is the result of that – and still this strong energetic link is felt in my nervous system between the thought of being FREE and visible to violent attack – and there is always insanity connected to this attack.
*This must be the experience I most need to be having right now, as more of Christ Mind is birthing into, and through me.

Something in me truly knows this to be true. Which means that all those insane and violent attacks I was forced to participate in as a small child and, and also to be forced into the role of perpetrator to make me guilty and one of “them” – this is where the Christ Mind NOW can be birthed into, and explore the healing that is available HERE TOO. Writing this, a wave of gratitude comes – how glad I am that this HAS happened and that I HAVE these experiences now – so I can allow the Light that I am as Christ to embrace all those energies, suffuse them, transform them.

Here are three images I painted years ago of exactly this: I knew it then too, but have worked to integrate it all the years since then.

1) Red attacks the Blue/Christ –

2) The Blue embraces it, it starts to dissolve –

3 and 4) The dissolutions continues, and in the fourth stage, the attack-energy has become a Menorah –

I have needed a lot of time to birth this – smiling

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Icecold. Spacing out. Breathing. Strong wishes of retaliating, making the others suffer as they make me. Deep and venomous hatred.

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

Deep yawning, the sickness abates. I bless the energy within the sickening forms, invite it Home in my Blue Christness – chest warm, whole lower body ice cold – breathing into it – surrendering to it now –
“I” am not doing this, Christ is doing it through Leelah – I hear screams from massacres and battlegrounds, from concentration camps and machete slaughterings – from everybody that perceives themselves to be righteously mistreated and wants to stop it with any means at all —-

Deep doubts: I have done this for 27 years, and still I feel the fear of being visible –

And the answer:: “and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

WOW! what a gift: when I copied this over from a word-doc, that one sentence was left out – so i had to return to the original and really take this in:“and for each time you have been willing, one more piece of it has been integrated”

A tremendous hateful part hisses to me, DO NOT HOPE!!!

There is Love all around that, (just as the pictures show,) and now my belly is warm. – That’s where the “haterer” is – yawning – “I WILL not hope and be shocked again – and again – when I have opened up – it is torture”

Sweetie, I am right here, take all the time you want to get use to this space

“There have been no wrong turns on your journey. You have never failed, and you have never sinned.”

WOW! Looking at the doc I am writing now, I discover that I have repeated that quote from Jeshua three times – and each time I have believed, “that is a great quote, I want that here – – -and not discovered I have already written it down twice before

There has been no separation at all … our resistances, judgments, and especially our guilt, occurred because we thought what was going on was different than what was and eternally is, going on. (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

Sitting with that, allowing it take root

“You have heard it said this world is a world of shadows. It is not just a metaphor.
It happens to be true. While shadows are illusory, it does not follow that they be left untransformed.
For what you leave untransformed retains the power to bind you in its spell. It will continue to do so, until YOU decide to learn who you are by being the power of Love‟s Presence that heals all things.” . (Jeshua,Jewel Course.)

*Wonder Questions:

1. What are three significant experiences you have believed you should not have had?
(Be vigilant against assuming these are just ‘negative’ experiences. When faced with overwhelming joy, “luck”, others’ gratitude, or miracles, don’t we often shake our heads, hold our breath, and try to deflect or minimize it????)

I have sat this the whole week. Many has presented itself, but the answer is always: None. Without everything, I would not have had the experiences and the learnings I have

2. What is it that you have found most difficult to trust?

That even when the experiences feels excruciating, they are NOT “wrong” – I am not wrong – they are pathways into human darkness and ignorance as soon as I don’t judge my small self for having them – for not being “worthy.” – Oh there’s a lot of that going on –

3. Do you trust, really trust , your Creator?

My ca 2o A4 journals filled with my images and processes show me that God is always available in every situation. I DO really trust my Creator –It is ME I don’t trust – God’s One Son, choosing to judge myself for what happens to me – seeing it as character-faults that takes away my God-given worth, making me wrong,making others wrong – not recognizing they are me in disguise, mirroring back to me what I need to see and lift in to forgiveness and innocence

And right now, after writing this down in one go, seeing that I am trusted to do the best I can to wake up –

I bless myself in my ability to choose love
I bless myself in my true nature
I bless myself in my willingness to hang in here

I just added this to my chapter “Ghost” in When Fear Comes Home to Love. “Ghost” is all about the archetype of Primal Fear – and ways I have learned to defuse it, through spiritual work and work with my patients and students since 1988.

:

‘Deep pain in the chest:

I don’t want to be seen! I hate you! Go away! I will kill you!

I am sitting with lesson 125 in the Course – “In quiet I receive God’s Word today” – and I hear: “ These are the voices of the guardians you created around the little Leelah-identity. In her worst moments, out of deep guilt and shame that she told herself that she WAS, she cried out inside her self: “Hide me! I MUST NOT BE FOUND!” Guilt was speaking – and she was fusing with the guilt, identifying with it – and when she cried out from this fear-identity, fear-creatures/entities came and told her “we will protect you – if you will allow us to use you.”

Of course she took that offer of protection – and the entities used her as their source of food or energy.”

I know this is true with all of me. I speak: “I am the source of this. I judge you not. I extend forgiveness to myself for what I have made.” I ask Michael and his army for help to guide these entities back to where they came from, and as I say this, I am shown that I have attracted these false protectors in all the body’s openings – by calling for them, they have come. Fear called for fear and darkness, and called from darkness – identifying with darkness/guilt/shame.

In this NOW, I am listening to God: “Now breathe into that heart-space. It is open now.” And then it happens: I see a black silky Tarantula leg hesitantly moving out – I feel terror – and realize in the same second that this has been the very symbol for fear for me – as for so many. “Beloved Leelah, you are not a spider,” I tell her – and gradually the heart space warms up, and I see her: scared and confused – but freed from the spell and fusing.

“Be patient” says Blue. “There are many layers here. The nervous system will need some time to adjust, the old habits and beliefs will try to re-attach themselves – you have believed this to be YOU for almost 70 years. From now on, we ask you to intend to recognize the old patterns when they come – and for you to realize it is only an echo, and that you can let go of it.”

When I was 11 years old, I was taking ballet-classes – and I still remember some of the steps in an Italian Tarantula I danced – with a Tambourine, and a light blue short dress

Like this:

When the usual morning depression and obnoxiousness-feeling started, I sensed a very strong decision for Love – to NOT merge and blend into the energy, to not give in to its seeming reality. In that moment, there was no judgment against it, it was just seen as the effect of believing in harmful thoughts. I was able to turn toward it instead and listen, holding a space of love with interested curiosity – no fixing impulses at all, what a blessing – and it gradually abated

After that, I fell asleep and had a dream: I short-cut an Atlantic Steamer The motor was open, like an electric heart, and I threw a metal tool into it – a gentle shooisshh, and it died

And as Kit remarked in the linked blogpost, it had a huge momentum, and the Captain was curiously laconic about it all – “oh well these things happen, this is an old machine-“

I am saying thanks and GOODBYE to the old collective way of thoughts, willing to be wrong about being right

I want to share a piece from Sarita’s web cast last month I asked about communicating with an inner image , if that was not “making it real,” and she answered:

My understanding of making it real is saying that it is the cause of our experience. But when we acknowledge something in this way, (meaning communicating with inner images,) we acknowledge it as an effect that we have created. However, we are here to embrace creations – Jeshua says in Way of Mastery that we can’t transcend what we haven’t embraced, so we come to rest back in the Noticer so we can see and hold the enfolding, the respect, the allowance – the love, cause that’s what respect and allowance is -allow something to unfold itself – a love that IT IS – that is when genuine transcendence happens. So far from making it real, we’re seeing through the surface of appearance of something with power over us, or something we need to resist, or being made to feel a certain way by. We can stay a whole day in resistance to that pain in our shoulders – and in that way making it real. While when we bring curiosity, innocence and presence to it – then we are the Holder and the Unfolder of it. -If you have something in you looking like a wood-creature( I had just shared this with her) beautiful – this is one of your “lost sheep” simply awaiting your curiosity, your holding space for gentle inquiry, your nonjudgmental “being with.” And that will allow that aspect of you to enfold from a way it was stuck in the past, continue to unfold and be with you, bringing more of yourself into the journey of being Christ – you enfold these aspects of yourself.

After having listened to this again in my recorder, this happened:

I found – and SAW – my main resistance or guardian in my bodymind. I recognized that he was camping right next to a suffering part – and that he was, in fact, established as my defense creation next to each suffering part – as I guess it is, in the split mind we all share.

I have constructed, projected and created him to say NO to Light -which he thinks is deadly – confusing it with his image of a vengeful wrathful god.

I gave him a loving Space and just waited

This time, truly wanting to BE with, not wanting to fix

I became aware of how excruciatingly much energy it takes to keep this defense-pattern up – and I became aware of how much energy I have given this pattern throughout centuries – and how it has gone on automatic in humanity – fleeing from pain, seeking pleasure

*

Then, from one second to the next:

it is not there

Only unfathomable Light is there

I tune into it, and see that it realizes that it – the guardian-part – is not needed – just mind guarding against its inherent essence of Being and Beauty

The phone/landline/ rings

I run to pick it up, and catch it just as a female automatic message voice says its last word:

GoodBye

*

Not only is it hilarious – truly one of Blue’s most beautiful playful synchronistic pointers to me* – I also understand how effective it is for me to say GOODBYE to stuff I let go of: it establishes me as the chooser to let go – it is active

*

In “When Fear Comes Home to Love”, I have spiced the text with numerous examples of Blue’s playful synchronicities in my daily life – helping me to “not take it so serious”

In a Skype sharing with Kit, we discuss a client of hers who has a problem with performance – and not being “good enough,” pushing himself insanely.

What a common affliction, I think, at least in the Western Culture-

and how common a lesson for all Course students, who are experiencing the pull of what ego has taught us, about the intellectual mind’s supremacy over the Heart – and over the gut level of understanding

And let us not forget that our reptile brain and Amygdala is still geared on protecting us from the saber-tooth tiger –

I have always feared the anger of the person I want to invite to BREATHE when they are caught in the whirlwind of the mind – you know, when you notice they have already left the building/their own bodily presence. I have feared an attack – and I have come to believe lately that the anger actually is in me too: I am tired – and angry -of being overrun by my “reason” – and feeling into that, I sense a part of me that is very angry at being driven over – again and again

I can’t stand to push myself any longer, though it still takes some time before I notice that this is actually what I do

Lately, I have started to do Focusing with inner parts again – I took the whole training, but the habits fell away – and I noticed that when I got in contact with an inner part that needed attention, it was vital for it to hear from me that I saw it and listened to it. Focusing is NOT about agreeing with what the part sees and feels – but to let it know that it has been heard. What always happens in that process is that our inner Self in Presence – our Christed Self, in Course language – takes over, and the part realizes that it is part of a larger wisdom which loves it, just as it is.

These “parts” are still active in our mind as long as they have not been acknowledged and accepted – with judgment, they go in hiding in the body and cause sickness and pain. So talking to them makes big sense

I sense how angry child-me got when believing she was not “important enough” to be loved and given attention to by my parents – sensing the gifts of heart and love that I brought – that we all bring – “can’t you see the gifts of love that I bring? don’t you want those???

Are you stupid???

and our parents – most of them – have been through the same drill from their parents, so this is deeply buried in our common memory-bank

Deep inside is still this anger, that now we drive over ourself, our true heartfelt feelings and deep knowing of the heart – and our seeing.

I am one of those who see – when your soul wants me to, I hear it and I see – and then, in those cases, the words come through my Heart and Soul to address what you most need to hear.

If you accept, you will be healed – as is my experience the last 40 or so years.*But what I experienced today was the wonder of Kit believing in this ability in me – and telling me

And in that moment, I sensed” now I don’t need to be burnt on pyres anymore.”

I realized – by sensing it in my body – the fear all “seers” and “wise ones” have felt throughout the ages – the memories of hatred and fear of “extrasensory knowing” and the signal-system inside our soul – and Kit gave a metaphor of great clarity: for the human thought system of separation, any change in our common energy field has the influence on it like a huge Ocean Steamer – when it turns around, the momentum of the old pattern of fear-thoughts is immensely strong – it takes TIME, in our dream with its dream-rules.

So when we want to change the old habit of going from the limited small mind to the heart, we are like one of those Atlantic Steamers -(that sure helps me being compassionate toward myself:))

–

but only as long as we believe we are separate entities!

When we remember that we all are in a common project – that of exploring ways to return home, without judging the old landscapes and the persons we seemed to be – and that we all share the same Heart and the same LOVE – that’s when we recognize that we already are safely tucked into God’s Heart, and never left

This morning I prayed for help to join with the part of me who is responsible for these almost constant states of inner disaster and turmoil in the morning, and I was shown a severely dissociated part – a conglomerate of disaster parts, melted into one, from baby and up to 6-7 years old. I saw her – as in a room/space-bubble for herself in the astral level- and she was permanently looking at /being shown/ horrible images of abuse, murder, torture, what have you.

I was also helped to understand that I/my soul was her “power” – it was like she had relocated herself to another level, into a bubble where she could be “safe” – so she did not have to be fully present in the acts she was forced to participate in and subject others to. “She” relocated – and her emotional and mental state of mind – the “disaster-one” – followed her to this “bubble” in the mind, and my soul, and my identification with her, powered her as my creation – made it “real”, as the Course calls it. The physical acts surely happened to her – but she added to those her own thoughts and beliefs about herself, and why this happened to HER – like,” I must be really wicked and sinful since I experience this, I have no worth, I deserve to be punished constantly not to be hit by God’s rage.”

And constantly telling herself these lies – and me unconsciously believing in them – made them real for her – and cemented her “sinful” sluttish identity.

And “she” will perpetuate this creation of mine in a split-off state of mind, as long as I have not firmly dissolved my beliefs that is running the creation

I asked for help, and was reminded of my Michael-Sword of Truth. I directed it at the essence of the darkness with the intention of returning it to the One – a lot was released and resolved

This is the metaphysics of it:by believing in the dark images, the images become real – this is how humanity has created the world. In “The Jeshua Letters,” Jeshua describes “the world” like this:

“…the vast array of perceptions you have learned about yourself. It is a web of illusion that you, as soul, freely choose to be immersed within. The web is like a vortex, a field of energy… The world means nothing. This is the salvation of the world: That is does not, nor has it ever, existed.”

Like “The world,” the split-off girl does not exist in reality – she is a conglomerate of my own beliefs and fears, powered by my denial and resistance to them – which creates a strong identification with them.

What I am reminded of now, while I am with her, loving her, is that images are nothing else than images – and ONLY humans’ belief in their appearance makes them seemingly real.

I am shown that my perception still primarily is driven by this split – off – girl -and I see the perception like two pieces of twisted frozen dirty-green ice in front of my eyes, warping images of love into sickening brutality and perversion.

I pray deeply for help to clear my perception, and is told the importance of being the Self in Presence with her, just witnessing her feelings and saying them back to her. In this way, she will experience LOVE as well as her fears

This day I was more tired than I have ever been – until I was prompted to sit down and write it down and sharing it with you. In that second, the tiredness lifted.

Healing Crisis:108 Ways to Turn Crises into Possibilities

When Fear Comes Home to Love

Services

Copyright

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, poems may also be re-blogged, provided that full and clear credit is given
with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.