“Opioids act on many places in the brain and nervous system, including the limbic system, which controls emotions. Here, opioids can create feelings of pleasure, relaxation, and contentment and they also play a role in the feelings of closeness that support social bonding. We want to be activating this Not de-activating them!”

And when our kids are in the reactive brain NO amount of thinking, learning or responding calmly can happen, No wonder it all ends in tears.

So why do we use demands and commands?

As parents we mean well, we are trying to teach our children right from wrong, teach them how to behave.

We often use demands and commands without thinking, we’re on autopilot and may not even realise our interactions with our child.

Often it is because that’s the way our parents spoke with us.

And often it’s because we don’t have better alternatives.

Research and long-term studies show that if demands and commands are frequent in the parent-child interaction it can lead to children who are badly behaved, oppositional and defiant.

And what do we typically do when our children aren’t listening? Yes! You guessed it! Give them more demands and commands, and that is why we can find ourselves on this negative cycle.

That is why the WAY we speak to our kids is SO important.

So what can we do? Here are a few tips to get you thinking about your interactions with your kids.

OFFER CHOICES

Rather than “Come here right now! How many times do I have to tell you! You have to wait in line.”

Try “Do you want to wait in line next to me or stand right next to the ice-cream stand so you tell me what ice-cream you want?”

COMMENT ON WHAT IS HAPPENING

Rather than: “Stop playing with your ice-cream – I am not going to tell you again, I’ll take it away if you do that ONE MORE time. Do you understand?!!”

Try “OOH, looks like you’re enjoying that! you’re getting rather messy! We need to be careful the ice-cream doesn’t fall out of the cone.”

In other words, swap the commands, demands and criticisms for connection.

Enjoy your time together, chat, laugh, play..

Start to pay attention to the ratio of demands and commands in your relationships.