“Federal (sic) Reserve” Selling Ads on Currency

Washington, D.C. — Jovial burger spokesclown Ronald McDonald will replace Father of our Country George Washington and the bespectacled image of computer magnate Bill Gates will replace that of 16th President Abraham Lincoln on new currency to be circulated by the United States “Federal (sic) Reserve” beginning next month.

“McDonald’s is proud to be associated with the U.S. Government,” said Tracy McShavity, a spokesperson for the burger chain, in a statement intended to make Americans assume that the “Federal” Reserve is somehow a government bank, rather than a citizen-bleeding consortium of the world’s greediest bankers. “Families love money, families love Ronald, and we love families! So take that syllogism where you will…” To celebrate, McDonald’s will offer one dollar off all purchases for each Ronald McDollar redeemed at any of our over 30,000 locations. The new Ronald McDollar will mean, for example, that the popular McRib regularly selling for $2.49 will be only $1.49 upon presentation of the new coupon, I mean dollar.”

When questioned that privatizing Federal property should require a vote or at least open bidding, Federal (sic) Reserve Chairman Timothy Geithner replied, “We can pretty much do this unilaterally. Remember, we’re every bit as “Federal” as Federal Express.”

The two new bills were the first of what is expected to be a complete revamping of paper currency and coinage. “The Disney Company is jumping onto this pretty good,” said Treasury official Warren Eaglemaier, “and you can’t tell me Mickey Mouse doesn’t belong on one of these new bills!” Controversy erupted, however, when the issue of allowing advertising by foreign entities arose in discussions over the $100 bill, presently featuring Benjamin Franklin. Israel lobbyists reportedly declined the offer to advertise, preferring “to continue to run the US without any added attention.” The nation of Colombia has inquired about ad space on a redesigned “C-Note”. It is not expected to be approved. Instead, Geithner said, “the new $100 bill will likely win warm acceptance as it will feature Al Pacino from the film “Scarface”, a perfect choice. It’s so America today.”