Sister Wives Recap: Adult Education

Howdy, Trashmii! I just know you’ve been wondering, “Hey, what’s up with that lovably wacky Kody Brown family? I sure hope TLC airs another season of that must-see Sister Wives show!” Well, wonder no more. TLC has decided to inflict them on us for yet another season! Why? It’s TLC. You know, the Learning channel . . . I’m sure you’ll agree that we’ve all learned a lot from Sister Wives: the Browns are doofusii, and polygamy is dead boring. We all get an A!

Lets get into our ep, shall we? We open with a recap of what seems to be half the footage from last season. Then – finally! – a new open. It’s all saturated colors now, I guess to reflect their big-city-slicker lifestyle. Groovy.

It’s Dayton and Meri’s birthdays. Well, not really. Kody’s cooking steaks today, although their birthdays are tomorrow. Kody’s taking the Queen Mother out on the actual birthday. To hell with the son with Asperger’s, Her Maj needs to be coddled! After all, he’s not her kid.

The adults meet to discuss MSWC. They need to grow the business! They need new ideas all the time! Or, perhaps, any ideas? Meri says she wants to expand the business (remember that for later), and Robyn says she has a plan to have brick and mortar stores within 5 years. Know what I see them doing in 5 years? Going to bankruptcy court, getting foreclosed, and sneaking back into Utah. Wanna bet my dream comes true before Robyn’s does?

Kody says he’s meeting with “Stan” to discuss making a presentation to investors. Investors? Does he really think KKR or Warren Buffett are going to snap up this outstanding investment opportunity? I’m so glad to see Kody is just as clueless and deluded as ever. Never change, pal. Never change.

Christine wants to expand MSWC to include “clothing, kitchen, housewares”. Cause no one else has ever thought of that, like say . . .

Quite.

We go to Kody at Robyn’s house. The next night he’ll be with the Queen Mum, then Christine, then Janelle for their anniversary. Hey, good thing they’ve got that compound, Action Man can just dash from one shagging appointment to the next. Since he’s 45 now, I wonder if he’s doing Viagra. I’m not sure any guy in his mid-40s could be that active. Especially when one of his partners is the Queen Mum.

I’ll get back at you one day, “Mom” Meri.

BTW, just how bad is the mosquito infestation in Robyn’s house, anyway?

Commercial.

Kody takes Dayton to a go-cart type place. And I guess that’s it for the boy, since Kody’s at Meri’s for her birthday. Poor Dayton. Before they leave, Meri wants to Keith Urban-ize Kody’s hair. You know, there’s a reason men don’t flatiron their hair. And this is it:

At dinner, Meri shows Kody she’s gotten her transcripts from her college in Utah. She wants to go to UNLV now. Of course! Anything to get her out of raising the dozens of other wives’ children in the family or bringing in any income! That’s our Queen Mum, always thinking of others herself. Kody tells the QM that Robyn will not take it well, and QM asks to talk to Robyn herself. QM says MSWC isn’t her dream, it’s Robyn’s. So to hell with it, then? If you think Meri’s cold now, just wait until later.

I’m tendering my resignation from the family.

Is the QM using her “household” money to finance her own personal plans? Otherwise, who’s paying for this self-indulgence? I’m sure it’ll be on the backs of other wives’ kids who are headed to college. Or were . . .

Kody and QM then go dancing – well, what they call dancing, and I call “performing a tribute to Elaine Benes”, and then back home. We’re mercifully spared any intimacy. By ‘”intimacy”, I of course mean the bottoms of Kody’s bare, filthy feet. Ick!

We’re back to Kody playing football in the driveway. We get to hear again about all the events this week. It’s Christine’s night now. Kody wants to settle in and laze around. Christine tells him John is coming over; he’s Mykelti’s boyfriend. Kody greets John in typical fashion, by questioning his manhood, and Christine tells us the kids have been getting too hot and heavy too soon. Kody tells John he wants to prevent the “danger zones”. Kissing and holding hands lead to broken hearts, you guys!

In interview, HRH, for some reason wearing goth-Pippi Longstocking hair, says that since Kody never talks about not having sex, it must be ok to do that. We all know you can’t get a date, so how’s about cutting out the innuendo, missy?

Back in the room, Kody tells John that if Mykelti kisses John “because she has my biology, I know she’ll really like you”. Thanks for outing yourself at last, Kody! Or does he mean Mykelti is a hermaphrodite?

Then Kody – who’s apparently now an MD! – gives the kids a biology lesson: “When you kiss [the other person’s] hormones go into your mouth and that registers certain things that will stimulate both the body and the heart”. “It’s a very biological thing”. That’s not hormones, Kody, That’s herpes.

I have completely lost all desire to have sex with anyone, ever.

In interview, Kody tells us science backs him on that. Science has never backed me on anything. Blinded me, though.

Back in the room, Kody talks about a Bible verse, which Mykelti interprets as: if she kisses a guy who doesn’t end up as her husband, that kiss was taken from her husband and given to somebody else. I’ve never heard the kissing = stealing theory before. I guess “science” backs Kody on that, too?

Time to gamble! They sit down to play poker. Doesn’t the Bible prohibit gambling? Just asking.

We end with Kody telling us his kids always thank him after the kissing-hormones talk. Only because they want the keys to the car, Kody.

Commercial.

Again WHY THE HELL IS THAT SHREW GETTING ANOTHER 2-PART SHOW??? ISN’T THAT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT?

Back to the show. Kody and QM are discussing the Utah house. It’s falling apart, and they want to remodel. A relative lives there now, and the washer and dryer are in the living room! I’m not sure why that’s such a crisis. The relative seems to have not kept the place up at all – bad tenant! Kody and QM start snapping at each other about some plans a contractor drew up. They’re not good enough for Kody, I gather. You just know, don’t you, that before the project is done, a wet bar will in fact make an appearance? Then the QM pulls the pity schtick. More sniping. Then they’re in interview and they’re still arguing. It’s practically a revival of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf! Sadly, minus the booze.

Why, that’s the perfect place for a wet bar!

Time for Kody and Janelle to celebrate their 21st anniversary. They’re going out for a romantic evening. Kody starts by washing his hair in the bathtub, I guess to turn Janelle on? Janelle likes his hair in a ponytail, according to Kody. Or she said that once 21 years ago when you had hair, pal. Why hair has to be wet to be in a ponytail, I don’t know. Wbat I do know is that some’s hairline has receded just a tad.

Or more.

Kody tells us that he and Janelle are back to when they were on their honeymoon. They’re “amorous” again now. Must be those hormones jumping across their lips! Back home, Kody tells the kids he’s “really tired” and it’s time for bed. Boom chicka ew ew.

Commercial.

We’re back. Kody’s at Robyn’s. She says she has personal issues to discuss, and has her patented furrowed brow ready to deploy. Robyn tells Kody that unless her MSWC workload lightens up, she can’t have another kid. They need investors and more employees! It’s a freaking 3rd-rate website selling ill-designed tat. How many people are actually buying from it? You spend, what, a half-hour a week mailing out purchases? Yep, that’s a crushing workload, all right. But our Robyn’s such a delicate flower, isn’t she?

I’ll get what I want. I’m still the favorite wife. For now, anyway.

The adults go to meet with Stan Watkins and Amy Watkins to discuss MSWC. The Watkins are venture capitalists. Kody talks about the online business and the displays in retail outlets (well, one, that casino gift shop), plus their desire to open stores. Stan asks if they have a business plan. Of course not! Have they had a valuation? Nope! Kody seems surprised that someone seeking a venture capital investment should have a presentation ready to go. In interview, Janelle says they looked stupid. Just like always. Stan talks about percentages of the company. He typically takes 30% and makes it clear if a company is mismanaged, Stan’s group would take it all. Predictably, this scares Kody. I wouldn’t bother worrying, Kody, No company on earth wants even 1% of MSWC. Companies generally only invest in other companies they that actually make money. A kid with a lemonade stand is a better financial bet.

Kody, I wouldn’t give you my pocket change, much less a million for your dinky little jewelry site.

Commercial.

GO AWAY, YA BALL-BUSTING BEYOTCH! GET A REAL JOB AND GET OFF OUR TV SCREENS!

Ah! Time for the QM to break the news to Robyn. They go to QM’s house. QM talks about “doing something for me” and says she’s going back to school starting in the fall. Robyn looks like she’s going to punch QM and says she thought they were in MSWC together. QM says that’s not her dream, which is of course a 180 from what she said at the top of the ep. Liar. Robyn says it will take more than her (Robyn) to handle MSWC. QM says a totally insincere and smirking “sorry”, which Robyn doesn’t buy. Robyn then tells us she’s like a teenage girl who wants to play with her friends. I think the other wives are the friends? Well, one teenage girl always has to be the outsider. Guess it’s you, Robyn.

You DO realize I was the only other wife who could even stand to be in the same room with you, right?

QM shares she doesn’t think she made it clear how important college is to her. Oh, Robyn knows exactly how important school is to you, Meri. Not at all. t’s just a trumped-up excuse to get as far away from the rest of the family as possible. Besides, the QM raised her one kid! She can’t be expected to help out with your brats, can she?

Robyn shares QM was the one person she had 100%. No, honey. She was playing you against the other 2 wives, QM only has 100% for herself. Now and forever. Why, she’d sell out even her precious HRH in a second if it made her life easier.

You can all go f-ck yourselves. It’s ME time, bitches!

And on that downer of a scene, our ep ends. Join me back here next week for more dysfunction, won’t you? See you soon!

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About PennyDreadful

Named for lurid serialized stories (so like today's reality TV) that sold for a penny a copy in Victorian Britain, former National Spelling Bee finalist and multiple Science Fair award winner PennyDreadful has been mercilessly skewering reality TV since 2011, and cites MST3K as inspiration.
Follow PennyDreadful on Twitter at @kcvinweho.

It just occurred to me that Robyn’s sister actually lives with Robyn and her children. How much help can she possibly need with the business if in addition to having 5 or 6 teenagers around that can babysit, she also has her sister living with her full time.

Stevie W.

Honestly I have never watched a minute of this show but I enjoy the recaps and photo captions so much! The KG interludes on this one are priceless and now I am convinced more than ever she doing a TLC executive because she is pure evil in human form.

TN Gal

If I remember my Bible learnin’ correctly, Solomon was the favorite son of the favorite wife of King David. Way to shade the other kiddos and wives, Robyn.

Chicken Lips

Well, that’s just fine dontchaknow? They aren’t hormone riddled teenagers! They don’t have any hormones to spare that try to escape out of their mouths.

nettaboo

In the first season Christine made a big deal that Kody kissed Robyn before they were married. She said she didn’t cause, she would be kissing someone else’s husband or something like that. In any case Kody courted and kissed Robyn prior to marrying her, while one of his wives was at home pregnant.

Chicken Lips

When Kody and Janelle were talking about how they’ve upped their romance game, I said to myself, “Gee – wonder when Robyn announces she’s pregnant or that she wants another baby?” And boy did I call that one or what? She can’t stand to not have all the attention heaped on her.

http://eyediosmio.wordpress.com Eye Dios Mio

Someone please explain to me how kissing someone is like cheating on your husband when this tool is literally banging a household full of women? How could sex POSSIBLY be precious when you’re sticking it in everywhere?

Merry

Well, good to know these are the same lazy, selfish, dumb Browns we’ve come to know and loathe. SO kind of TLC to not bother with anything novel or original that might require viewers to expend brain power or compassion. At least there are good recaps.

In all this grossness, the most terrifying thing is the specter of Kate Gosselin returning to haunt our TV screens! That hair…she looks like a bad caricature of of Heidi Pratt. (Tragically, that may be her goal.) Katie dear, you’re not charming, interesting, twenty-something, or a good mother, so stop pretending and go away before your children die of embarrassment.

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