Mint Royale keep their claws in at the top this week while Ne-Yo edges ‘Closer’ to the number one spot up two places to three, and Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’ - basically toss on toast set to a sly, Timbaland-ish beat – ergo, climbs three places to eight.

Yep, the top ten’s duller than a dead man’s cock this week. And speaking of departed members, ex-N*Sync star Justin Timberlake - along with good pal Madonna - slides out the top ten to 11 with ‘4 Minutes’. Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, again, compare their love to air – that’s 78% nitrogen, 20% oxygen and 2% gazing longingly out windows – with, er, ‘No Air’ up 52 places to 22, and Feeder are a new entry at 25 with ‘We Are The People’.

Mystery Jets take the slow and stealthy route to the top – we hope – with ‘Two Doors Down’ up four places to 24, and Madonna rears her ugly crotch yet again at 36 with ‘Give It To Me’. Meanwhile We Are Scientists graze the top 40 at 37 with ‘Chick Lit’, The Music find ‘Strength In Numbers’ at 38 (read the review of their album here) and ‘Everyone Nose (All The Girls Standing In’ pops some NER*D in your deck at 41 on download sales alone.

Coldplay trounce all-comers into the dust (300,000 sales to Neil Diamond's 60K) with their fruity latest offering Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends (review) and the Fratellis tell no word of a lie at five with Here We Stand. NER*D are in at 20 with Seeing Sounds and Lil Wayne’s acclaimed Tha Carter III says 'wa'gwan?' at 23. Meanwhile alt.country goddess Emmylou Harris’s All I Intended To Be hurls itself at the closing tube doors of the top 40, saving itself two minutes but earning the disrespect of fellow passengers at number 40.