'The Human Centipede': Ick, ick, ick, icky

By its own exceedingly icky standards, I guess "The Human Centipede" is a success: It wants to turn your stomach, and it does.

Heck, there's a pretty good chance this review will turn your stomach because there's no way to describe "Centipede" without stooping to its level. Here goes: Two women on a European road trip have car trouble. They request help from a German dude who's so over-the-top evil that it's obvious he's going to do terrible things to them the minute he gets them into his house. Which, after gathering another victim, he does: He dopes them up and sews them together, mouth-to-anus-to-mouth-to-anus. Voila! Human centipede.

"Centipede" is disgusting, but don't hate it because it's gross; hate it because it's bad. There's nothing scary or suspenseful about the amateurishly made film. I'll admit the awesomely named Dieter Laser — as the bottom, nose and throat specialist — is amusing in his evilness, but he's not amusing enough to make this dreck worth seeing.

What: "The Human Centipede"

Directed by: Tom Six

Starring: Dieter Laser

Rated: Not rated, but no one under 17 will be admitted without a parent

Should you go? You should not. (But if you do, it's only being shown at midnight tonight and tomorrow at the Uptown Theatre in Minneapolis.) *