tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367Fri, 03 Oct 2014 06:41:25 +0000The Archiveshttp://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)Blogger22125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-3871338451780646503Tue, 05 Mar 2013 23:00:00 +00002013-03-05T15:00:28.051-08:00VOLUME XXII - Looking For Some Females and Other Tales<br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Points In Favour of Great Britain Over the United States of America - c. December 4, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">1. English accents are superior to any accent used by natives of the former colonies. &nbsp;In fact, were I the proprietor of a television news station, I would only hire English on-air talent. &nbsp;They could say things such as, "Today, a bunch of bloody yanks played silly buggers and generally comported themselves as bloody stupid gits. &nbsp;Cheerio!," and people would watch it.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">2. The Union Jack is the most iconic flag ever.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">3. &nbsp;No one ever named one of the greatest bands ever after the U.S. government's legislative branch. &nbsp;I much prefer listening to the sounds of Parliament over listening to the sounds of my upstairs neighbours' congress. &nbsp;Just sayin'.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Some People Are Not Meant to Appreciate Great Literature - c. December 5, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I am reading Anna Karenina and have been hearing, "Anna Karenina-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batmaaaaaaaaan!," stuck in my head all night.&nbsp; Once it gets in your head, you can never get it out.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Also, the chapters are numbered with roman numerals.&nbsp; I think if I were ever to write a novel, I would follow the same convention and would be unable to resist the temptation to work all sorts of farcical prurience into chapter thirty.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>At Least Facebook No Longer Advises Me to "Poke Anyone" - c. December 5, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Facebook is creepy. &nbsp;Yesterday, I gave up on Facebook ever offering "Celibate" as a relationship status option, bit the bullet and selected single. &nbsp;Within twelve (12) hours, Facebook started showing me advertisements indicative of some very specific assumptions about the sort of women I might be wanting to meet and where I might hypothetically meet them. &nbsp;I clicked on the x to block one of the advertisements, selected "Other" as my reason for blocking the advertisement and typed in the following explanation:</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>REDACTED</strong>&nbsp;women do not want to meet me. &nbsp;They have that in commen with women of every other demographic group imaginable. &nbsp;Also, I am interested in the algorithms used to determine that I apparently specifically want to meet&nbsp;<strong>REDACTED</strong>&nbsp;women, as opposed to non-<strong>REDACTED</strong>&nbsp;women and where you obtained the data which led you to such a conclusion.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">They haven't gotten back to me yet.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Self-Portrait of an Obnoxious Driver - c. December 9, 2013 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I stopped, second in line at a red light. &nbsp;A black Mercedes-Benz was first in line in the lane to my left, which was&nbsp;clearly marked as the sort of lane from which all vehicles are legally obligated to turn left. &nbsp;The light turned green, and the driver of the Mercedes-Benz wedged his vehicle betwixt my motorcar and the one immediately in fron of me. &nbsp;I told him, "You're not Van Gogh, and I'm not your bloody ear." &nbsp;I don't think he could hear me.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>I Should Work In Human Resources - c. December 12, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">If I were ever responsible for hiring people, I would advertise the positions for which I was hiring on television, with an announcer screaming, "YOUR JOB WILL BE SO EXCITING YOUR CUBICLE WILL HAVE AN ENTIRE OFFICE CHAIR&nbsp;<strong>BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</strong>"</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>One of the Many Benefits of Wearing a Pocket Watch - c. December 17, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Pulling it out and staring intently at the second hand whilst lackadasical food service or retail sector employees lollygag and perform their functions with less than an appropriate sense of urgency gives one +1 to gravitas. &nbsp;Attempting such a manoeuvre with a wrist watch (even a $35,000 USD Rolex) only gives one a +1 to looking like an impatient prat.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>A Joke, In Unabridged Form - c. December 17, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Q: What happens to sensitive information after it is removed from a document in the interests of privacy, national security or other suchlike concerns?</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">A: It is devoured by the pterREDACTyl.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>I Never Thought This Would Happen to Me, But... c. December 18, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Dear Facebook,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I never thought this would happen to me, but I have been a very bad boy. &nbsp;You may recall that the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (NCDMV) suspended my driving priviliges due to another gentleman named Jonathan Roberts exceeding the posted speed limit in a work zone by a substantial margin. &nbsp;I may not have been at fault for that, but since 12:00 a.m. on July 1, 2012 Anno Domini, I have been doing something even naughtier... driving dirty. &nbsp;You see, after a series of telephone calls between myself, the NCDMV and the Rowan County Clerk of the Court, the NCDMV did, in fact, remove the erroneous citation from my driving record but never removed the resulting erroneous suspension from my record. &nbsp;Consequently, I continued driving dirty, without a care in the world, throughout the month of July. &nbsp;Then, on August 1, when the original suspension was scheduled to expire, I failed to submit a petition for the reinstatement of my license, along with $50 USD in unmarked, non-sequential bills, to the NCDMV (as required by law), and the NCDMV declined to bestow the unrequested reinstatement upon my unworthy self. &nbsp;I did not become aware of just how unlicensed to operate a motor vehicle I was until December 17, when I received a notice stating my insurance had been cancelled due to my failure to obtain reinstatement of my driving privileges. &nbsp;At any time during the past five months and seventeen days, I could have been arrested. &nbsp;I dare say I owe my freedom at this moment to nothing other than my complete and utter compliance will all traffic regulations and the fact that the Town of Pineville's constabulatory is not particularly inclined to stop members of my race and/or ethic group without cause.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>How Things Would Shake Down if I Ever Requested a Woman's Telephone Number - c. December 12, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Dramatis Personae</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><em>Jonathan</em>, a rakishly affable gentleman with an affinity for vintage 70's attire and seemingly-vintage 70's flip phones similar to&nbsp;<a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.samsung.com%2Fus%2Fmobile%2Fcell-phones%2FSCH-U365HAAVZW&amp;h=bAQGfmtYj&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">this</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><em>Hypothetical Lad</em>y, a hypothetical human female, most likely dark-haired, brown-eyes, wearing glasses and perhaps between 26 and 36 years of age</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Jonathan:</strong>&nbsp;Excuse me, miss, but despite knowing absolutely nothing as far as your character, values or beliefs regarding the fundamental moral laws of the universe, never mind even weightier matters such as the ideosyncracies of your sense of humour, I find myself compelled to request your telephone number due to your outstanding pulchritude and certain proclivities of mine regarding dark hair, brown eyes and glasses.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Hypothetical Lady:</strong>&nbsp;I don't normally give my number to strange men, but your suit and that red hat you're wearing seem to have entirely eroded my inhibitions.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Jonathan:&nbsp;</strong><em>*</em><em>&nbsp;Removes mobile telephone from pocket and flips it open*</em></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Hypothetical Lady:</strong>&nbsp;Seven-zero-four&nbsp;<em>*Gasps* &nbsp;</em>Dear God, what is that thing? &nbsp;Did you find that in an ancient Mayan ruin or did you get it after the string on your two tin cans tied together broke? &nbsp;I'm not giving my number to any man who wants to input it into such a shamefully outdated device. &nbsp;Get an iPhone, then we'll talk. &nbsp;Except by the time you get a smartphone, the rest of us will probably have subdermal ansible implants like Ender Wiggin in Speaker for the Dead and you'll still be a loser. &nbsp;Bye.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>My Letter to Santa - c. December 24, 2012 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Dear Mr. Claus,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">For my Christmas gift this year, I would like for you to stop deceiving yourself and recognize the wickedness inherent in human nature by putting everyone on the naughty list once and for all. &nbsp;I would also like for no one to react to the granting of my Christmas wish in an emotional manner because emotion is an impediment to the making and implementation of sound moral decisions.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Sincerely,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">The only gentleman who rocks a red suit harder than you</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>A Long Time Ago, On a Campus Far, Far Away - c. January 13, 2013 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I used to carry a small flying disc, of the sort used to mark one's lie in disc golf, with me around campus in case an opportunity for an impromptu game presented itself on the quadrangle or in a hallway (with the exception of Dodgefrisbee, which was always played in a dormitory hallway with between two and four full-sized Ultimate discs, but that is a different story.) &nbsp;On one such occasion, I randomly encountered a young lady with whom I had played ultimate once or twice whilst she was waiting for a bus, so I stopped to say hello and amiably toss the disc back and forth for a while. &nbsp;We kept that up until the bus arrived, at which point she pocketed my disc and boarded the bus. &nbsp;I never saw that disc again.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">At that point in my life, I was not the sort of bloke who took the theft of a flying disc lying down, but this case presented a minor dilemma of etiquette. &nbsp;The lady in question had an identical twin who also attended our fine educational institution and shared a room with her. &nbsp;I knew both their names and was somewhat acquainted with both of them, but could not tell them apart even when they were together. &nbsp;One was one-half of an inch taller than the other for some reason unrelated to genetics, but I couldn't recall which was taller. &nbsp;In any event, they were both a few inches taller than I, and I found it difficult to tell the difference in person. &nbsp;This probably sounds like the sort of horribly-contrived scenario one sees in a wretched teen comedy, but it was actually my life. &nbsp;I could have easily found their room and requested the return of my disc, but I didn't want to accost the wrong sister and accuse her of larceny. &nbsp;That would have been uncouth. &nbsp;I also didn't particularly want to admit to either of them that I didn't know which was which. &nbsp;My life being what it was in those days, that would have assuredly led to the sort of abominable hijinks one ususally sees in a wretched teen comedy.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Early today, I was thinking about how much different my life would be if I had made a point of pursuing the lady in question and recovering the disc. &nbsp;Then I realized I have a similar disc (of a different colour and with a different logo, but of the same dimensions and material composition) next to the computer in my bedroom and I use it as a coaster. &nbsp;In light of that, the biggest difference in my life if I had pursued the small-time Carmen Sandiego wannabe who made off with my disc would have been that I would not have spilled hot Earl Grey tea into my keyboard two years later, ruining the c, x and v keys forever and would not have needed to purchase a new keyboard.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>It's Super Ineffective! - c. January 16, 2013 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Facebook, like Pokemons, can apparently be trained. &nbsp;A while back, it (Facebook, not Pokemon) began presenting advertisements for dating web sites to me at an alarming rate<sup>1</sup>. &nbsp;Most of the advertisements were extremely specific in terms. &nbsp;First, it suggested I meet Asian women without specifying any particular nationality<sup>2</sup>. &nbsp;Then it moved on to Chinese women<sup>3</sup>, single mothers<sup>4</sup>, older women<sup>5</sup>, Russian mail order brides<sup>6</sup>&nbsp;and Korean women<sup>7</sup>&nbsp;in that order. &nbsp;Yesterday and today, it suggested I settle down with a nice Jewish girl<sup>8</sup>. &nbsp; On each occasion, I instructed Facebook to hide all advertisements from the offending site and marked "sexually explicit" as my reason for doing so. &nbsp;Finally, after all my efforts to train Facebook to recognize that I am not on the market, so to speak, I got an advertisement for the final installment in Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson's Wheel of Time series<sup>9</sup>&nbsp;and a Lord of the Rings-themed tour of New Zealand<sup>10</sup>. &nbsp;Pretty soon, I should have Facebook showing me advertisements for twenty-sided dice, Magic cards and whatever else guys who couldn't get a date to save their 20th-level mage's life if they tried play with.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>1</sup><a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/jonathan-roberts/at-least-facebook-no-longer-advises-me-to-poke-anyone/10151547382823056" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">At Least Facebook No Longer Advises Me to Poke Anyone, Roberts, J.D.</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>2</sup><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.meetasiawomen.com%2F&amp;h=gAQFTDl61&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.meetasiawomen.com&amp;h=qAQF1hqic&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.meetasiawomen.com</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>3</sup><a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/jonathan-roberts/the-archives-volume-xxii-looking-for-some-females-and-other-tales/www.internationalcupid.com/Chinese" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.www.internationalcupid.com%2FChinese&amp;h=yAQF9Qb1U&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.www.internationalcupid.com/Chinese</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>4</sup><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.singleparentmeet.com%2F%3Ehttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.singleparentmeet.com%3C%2Fa%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%3Cp%3E%3Csup%3E5%3C%2Fsup%3E%3Ca+href%3D&amp;h=cAQF5228K&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.maturesinglesonly.com&amp;h=XAQGtOeMI&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.maturesinglesonly.com</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>6</sup>You're just going to have to take my word for this one, because I don't remember the Universal Resource Locator and I'm not searching for mail order bride sites trying to find one just to fake it. &nbsp;What if I died and someone looked at my browser history without reading this footnote to put it in context?</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>7</sup><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.koreancupid.com%2F&amp;h=uAQGMr-k8&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.koreancupid.com&amp;h=YAQHsMvDR&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.koreancupid.com</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>8</sup><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jdate.com%2F&amp;h=gAQFTDl61&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jdate.com&amp;h=TAQHtEsVX&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.jdate.com</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>9</sup><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2F&amp;h=aAQHDVmRj&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com&amp;h=PAQHj_AFx&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><sup>10</sup><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newzealand.com%2Fus%2Fhome-of-middle-earth&amp;h=0AQF5vP4t&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"></a><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newzealand.com%2Fus%2Fhome-of-middle-earth&amp;h=1AQGfpPbg&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">http://www.newzealand.com/us/home-of-middle-earth</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><b>The Benefits of Home Ownership - c. January 31, 2013 Anno Domini</b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I kind of want to upgrade my smoke alarm so it will play songs such as Fire by the Ohio Players, Disco Inferno by the Trammps and Hot Stuff by Donna Summer when activated instead of emitting the usual fiendish screeching noise when activated, but I'm pretty sure that would violate the terms of my lease.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><b>Djinn and Juice Is So Delicious Quaff That Stuff and Get Three Wishes - c. February 10, 2013 Anno Domini</b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I &nbsp;seriously&nbsp;<em>just</em>&nbsp;realized Snoop Dogg was saying, "Gin and juice," in that song.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Things I Have Learned Today (As of 5:17 Post Meridian) - c. February 12, 2013 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>1. I am an idiot</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">Ok, I already knew that but I didn't know I was the sort of idiot who purchased tickets for a concert in New York City through the internet, had an actual ticket mailed to him instead of printing it himself, boarded a plane departing for Laguardia and realized he left the ticket in Pineville.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>2. Ticketmaster is not 100 percent evil</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I called Ticketmaster and told them I lost my ticket. &nbsp;A very helpful customer support agent contacted the box office staff at the venue and told them to admit me based on my privision of government-issued photographic identfication, the credit card I used to purchase my ticket and my confirmation number.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>3. Wearing a suit without a hat in the presence of a lady is very awkward</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">I suppose it would be less awkward if one did not forget one was not wearing a hat, but I passed several ladies on the streets of Manhattan and began to doff my hat to them before realize I was hatless. &nbsp;One lady even rolled her eyes at me, although she could have been rolling her eyes at my choice of a red and black striped tie with a purple shirt instead of my hat-doffing fail. &nbsp;Actually, I would chalk it up to the natural tendency of the human female to roll its eyes (or even look askance) toward me without apparent provocation. &nbsp;I still feel awkward without a hat.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>4. It is possible to crash a press conference promoting a prizefight without being a credentialed member of the media, a prizefighter scheduled to participate in the fight or a member of either prizefighter's entourage.</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">All you have to do is dress sharp and nod at the gatekeeper without slowing down as you walk in. &nbsp;Once I was inside, I had the run of the place and no one bothered me at all. &nbsp;Of course, I did avoid walking in front of the television cameras while the prizefighters were being interviewed. &nbsp;I think I had about 50 pounds on either of them, but I didn't want to start anything. &nbsp;Here's a video of the pugilist whose interview I watched from right behind the cameraman...&nbsp;<a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bloodyelbow.com%2F2013%2F2%2F12%2F3980380%2Fhbo-boxing-fight-video-adrien-broner-gavin-rees-greatest-hits&amp;h=NAQF1JuS4&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Adrien Broner</a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>Things I Learned Yesterday (Post-5:17 p.m. Edition)</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;"><strong>5. I kind of look like a john in the dark</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">At 4:47 a.m., at the intersection of 49th Street and 8th Avenue, a man approached me and asked, "Are you looking for some females?" &nbsp;I told him I was not. &nbsp;He asked, in a somewhat confrontational tone of voice, "Are you sure you're not looking?" &nbsp;I told him, again, I was not looking for any females. &nbsp;He asked again, with a very confrontational tone. &nbsp;I told him I was not in search of any females, and he left. &nbsp;The would-be pander was wearing jeans and a gray hoodie, whilst I was bedecked in my purple suit, a green shirt, a purple ascot and as many strings of Mardi Gras beads as Mr. T had gold chains.</div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2013/03/volume-xxii-looking-for-some-females.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-2960850522901310438Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:20:00 +00002012-12-03T23:20:44.129-08:00VOLUME XXI – My Rise to R-List Celebrity Status and Other Tales<b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">How Stupid Does Amazon Think I Am? - c. February 3, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">I recently ordered&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">Twenty Years After</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">,&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">The Vicomte de Bragelonne</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">,&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">Louise de la Valliere</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">, and&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">The Man in the Iron Mask&nbsp;</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">from Amazon.com. &nbsp;All four books were written by Alexandre Dumas as sequels to</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">The Three Musketeers</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">. &nbsp;Yesterday, Amazon sent me an e-mail to recommend that I purchase&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">The Three Musketeers</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">. &nbsp;Do the fools running that organization really think I wouldbe foolish enough to order four sequels to a book I had not already read? &nbsp;Of course, they can review their records and determine that have never purchased&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">The Three Musketeers</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">&nbsp;from them, but they are hardly the only source of books in the world. &nbsp;In fact, they could have easily used my shipping address (to which they shipped the four aforementioned sequels) and the store locator at&nbsp;</span><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; line-height: 16.5px; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank">http://www.barnesandnoble.com</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">&nbsp;to determine there is a Barnes &amp; Noble store 1.51 miles from my residence and used logic to deduce that I had purchased&nbsp;</span><em style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">The Three Musketeers&nbsp;</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;">from that store. &nbsp;Instead, they insult me. &nbsp;For that, I am of a mind to invite them to meet me behind the&nbsp;Carmes-Deschaux monastary.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #1c2a47; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><b>The Media Can't Get Enough of My Swagger - c. February 7, 2012 Anno Domini</b></span></span><br /><span style="color: #1c2a47; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I attended a women's &nbsp;basketball game between Duke and the University of North Carolina. &nbsp;After the game, a couple of ladies with a large television camera asked to interview me. &nbsp;I consented to the interview, and the first question they asked was, "What can you tell us about your suit?" &nbsp;They said they were from ESPNU and asked a few questions and basketball and the Duke/UNC rivalry too, but I think they were primarily interested in the suit. &nbsp;I would not go as far as to say they stole a camera from ESPN and claimed to need to interview me as a pretext for inquiring about my suit, but I can't discount the possibility.</span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>They Could Have Added Copious Quantitites of Coprological Material to the Recipe in July 2008* - c. February 15, 2012 Anno Domini</b></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I purchased and consumed a 10-piece order of Chicken McNuggets today. &nbsp;A disclaimer on the bottom of the box stated, "Information accurate as of 06/08," in reference to the nutrition information. &nbsp;Seriously?** This is 2012 Anno Domini.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">* Curse Facebook for imposing a character limit on Note titles, thereby preventing me from writing the date as July 2008 Anno Domini. &nbsp;Mr. Zuckerberg hates me and does little things like that to vex me all the time.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">** If I did not have deeply-rooted philosophical objections*** to the orthographical abomination known as the "interrobang" I would have used one there. &nbsp;Fortunately for my readers, I do have the aforementioned deeply-rooted philosophical objections because if I didn't, I wouldn't care that they did. &nbsp;If any of my readers don't share my deeply-rooted philosophical objections, STOP READING MY BLOG YOU FOUL INTERROBANG-SYMPATHISER!</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">*** Inquire if you really want to know.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I Wish I Were Sufficiently Wealthy to Purchase an Aircraft - c. March 6, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I would paint a graph paper pattern, complete with X and Y axes, onto it and refer to it as my Cartesian Plane.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Jets Acquire Tim Tebow - c. March 21, 2012&nbsp;</b><b style="background-color: transparent;">Anno Domini</b></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">March 21, 2012 - The New York Jets acquired Tim Tebow and a seventh-round draft pick from the Denver Broncos in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick and a sixth round selection. &nbsp;When asked what led his time to make the trade, Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, "We're putting a bounty on this Tebow kid, $1,000 to the first player who can provoke him to drop an F-bomb in practice. &nbsp;Five hundred to anyone who can get him to say&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;or&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>, and two fifty for&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>. &nbsp;Practice will be a little more interesting this year. &nbsp;A little friendly competition at the expense of Timmy should give Sanchez and Santonio something to bond over and get over that&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;from last season." &nbsp;In response to a question about whether the Jets planned to use Tebow at quarterback as an occasional change of pace to Sanchez, Ryan said, "Oh,&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>! &nbsp;You think I would&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;put that&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;on the&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;field? &nbsp;You've got to be&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;<b>REDACTED</b>&nbsp;with me."</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I Was the Victim of a Hit and Run - c. April 12, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">On Monday afternoon, I drove my miniature Hyundai past a boys' lacrosse team practicing outside a school on Fairview Road. &nbsp;One player's errant shot cleared a fence surrounding the field, crossed one lane of traffic and struck my driver's side door. &nbsp;The insolent ball bounced away to devil knows where without even stopping to trade insurance information. &nbsp;Fortunately, it did not cause any damage. &nbsp;For the sake of my vehicle's condition and of my health, I'm glad it wasn't anything larger such as a soccer ball or a hay bale.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The Unforeseen Consequences of Ray Rice Fumbling Twice in One Game - c. April 30, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 16.5px;"></div><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I checked my fantasy baseball team today on&nbsp;<a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.espn.com&amp;h=8AQGNRqm_&amp;s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank">http://www.espn.com</a>, and my team page prominently featured a link to a list of positions for which The Worldwide Leader is now hiring. &nbsp;No Sportscenter anchors needed, but two of the positions listed were Deputy Fantasy Editor and Statistics Analyst I. &nbsp;I assume that if one were to apply, an e-mail address would be required. &nbsp;If one submitted the e-mail address associated with his/her fantasy teams on ESPN, ESPN could, in theory, look up one's past fantasy sports performance and use that to evaluate one's candidacy. &nbsp;I hate to think that, were I seeking employment, someone in ESPN's human resources department could take a look at the lackluster 2011 performance of Snakes Breaking the Plane and say, "Oh, h-ll no! &nbsp;This loser obviously shouldn't be allowed to speak about, write about or even think about fantasy sports on his own time, let alone work for us."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Fortunately, I am already employed, else I'd have to seriously consider changing my fantasy baseball team's name to something more professional than The MVPED Users.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I Don't Think She Activated the Silent Alarm - May 1, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Bank Teller:</strong>&nbsp;You're dressed fancy today...</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>J. D. Roberts:</strong>&nbsp;Well, I just got out of work</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Bank Teller:</strong>&nbsp;Where do you work?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>The Inner Monologue of J. D. Roberts:</strong>&nbsp;What is it to you, as long as I properly endorsed the check which I am depositing and completed the corresponding deposit slip correctly using only blue or black ink?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>J. D. Roberts:&nbsp;</strong>I work in a &nbsp;call center in the&nbsp;<strong>[REDACTED]</strong>&nbsp;Corporate Park</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Bank Teller:</strong>&nbsp;And they make you dress like that?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>J. D. Roberts:</strong>&nbsp;No, but they allow me to. &nbsp;It's great.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Only a few minutes prior, I went to Target and an employee told me, "I hope you're not offended, but you look like a mobster."</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">How Not to Be Clobbered With an Umbrella - c. May 24, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><br /><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Dramatis Personae</span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Ladies' Man.....&nbsp;A&nbsp;rakish fellow who bears no resemblance to any person living or dead, unless such resemblence be entirely coincidental</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Lady............. A female, typicall of her gender</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Parasol.......... Not intended to protect the user from rain, sleet, snow, acid rain, humidity, hailstones, a hail of bullets, falling rocks, meteor showers, actual showers, buckets of water poured by washerwomen out of windows onto unsuspecting passers-by, ions in solution combining to form insoluble compounds or any other form of precipitation. &nbsp;Any dampness, saturation, drowning, lacerations, contusions, chronic traumatic encephalopathy or drowning caused by misuse of this parasol is the sole responsibility of the consumer.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Chorus.......... Essentially a bevy of uncredited extras, but with the gravitas of Greek dramatic tradition</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">ACT I</span></strong><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Ladies' Man:</strong>&nbsp;Hey baby, is this that Other Castle that Toad is always talking about? Because I think I just found my princess.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Lady:</strong>&nbsp;<em>(dismissively)</em>&nbsp;No, it's not.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Ladies' Man:</strong>&nbsp;Are you sure? &nbsp;You look like a real Peach.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Lady:</strong>&nbsp;<em>(uses&nbsp;</em><strong>Parasol</strong><em>&nbsp;to brutally clobber&nbsp;</em><strong>Ladies' Man</strong><em>)</em></span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">ACT II</span></strong><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><strong>Chorus:</strong>&nbsp;I bet he's really feeling small after that clobbering. &nbsp;Ba-dum ching!</span><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">FIN</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Asexual Humor - c. May 26, 2012 Anno Domini</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></strong><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">A Paramecium walks into a bar, buys itself a drink and says to itself, "Hey baby, why don't I go back to my place and undergo binary fission?"</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">People in the Grocery Store With Kids Say the Darndest Things - c. June 9, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I child who appeared to be two or three years old pointed at me in the grocery store today and said, "Da-da!" &nbsp;A woman who appeared to be his grandmother (but I make no assumptions) said to the offending child, "He's someone's da-da but not your da-da." &nbsp;I restrained an impulse to tell her, "I am no one's da-da and never will be. &nbsp;Also, get that child to an optometrist. &nbsp;I obviously don't even look like his da-da, because if his da-da looked like me his ma-ma would never have allowed his da-da to help her make him." &nbsp;If I hadn't had better things to do than reprimand acid-tongued old women, I probably would have said it to her.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">An Open Letter to People Named Jonathan David Roberts Who Are Not Me - c. July 3, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Dear everyone named Jonathan David Roberts who is not me,</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Please do not drive at a speed of seventy-two (72) miles per hour in work zones in which the posted speed limit is fifty-five (55) miles per hour whilst in Rowan County, North Carolina. &nbsp;As per General Statute 20-16.1(a), such a crime will result in the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles (NCDMV) suspending someone's privilege to operate a motor vehicle for a period of thirty (30) days. &nbsp;It is customary for the individual who committed the violation and the individual whose privilege is suspended to be one and the same, but the NCDMV employs at least one addlepated git who sees no need to conform to that particular convention, provided that the perpetrator and the suspendee have the same first, middle and last names. &nbsp;This civil disservant sees no need to confirm other data, e.g. license number, date of birth, address and mother's maiden name. &nbsp;Aside from causing inconvenience to law abiding Jonathan David Robertses such as myself, you could also inflict injury or death upon innocent workers employed by the state to maintain and improve our roadways.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Fortunately, the good people at the Rowan County Courthouse are very competent and willing to assist in the rectification of such stupifying miscarriages of justice (i.e. erroneous suspensions of the driving privileges of people who share first, middle and last names with people who exceed posted speed limits in work zones, not injury or death), although even they are unable to take corrective action until the following Monday morning if the suspendee learns of the suspension after the close of business ona &nbsp;Friday.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">If you are indeed the Jonathan David Roberts who committed the aforementioned offense, you will most likely soon learn how bloody inconvenient the suspension of one's driving privileges can be. &nbsp;For your sake, I can only hope you aren't also summoned to jury duty while your privilege is suspended and your mobile telephone doesn't cease to function before such privilege is restored.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Sincerely,</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Jonathan David Roberts</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Q: What is Iron Man Without His Suit? - c. July 20, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">A: Tony Starkers</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The Temptation to Mix One's Dry Cleaning With One's Dry Wit - c. August 11, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I recently went to my regular dry cleaner to pick up my white suit, my blue suit and my purple suit whilst clad in a light gray suit with purple pinstripes, a light green shirt and a dark purple Jerry Garcia tie. &nbsp;The dry cleaning lady with whom I regularly conduct business was not there, but the woman on duty (who appared to be of an age with my mum) greeted me by saying, "Hello, Mack Daddy." &nbsp;Upon retrieving my suits, she commented that they must look good on me. &nbsp;I replied truthfully that they are wonderful suits and would look good on anyone. &nbsp;She proceeded to say I must look like a pimp whilst wearing them, and I told her my mother didn't very much like any of the three. &nbsp;She asked why, and I was sorely tempted to say, "Because they incite women to bandy about epithets such as Mack Daddy and Pimp in reference to me," but instead demurely told her, "My mother's taste tends to run a bit more conservative than that."</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Job Interview Tips From the Master - September 3, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Next time a job interviewer asks you the stereotypical question about where you see yourself five years from now, tell him/her, "That is a philosophical and theological question which is outside the scope of the hiring process, because I have only three years to live. &nbsp;I intend to spend as much of that three years as possible doing highly challenging, meaningful work which will enable me to experience significant professional growth." &nbsp;The interviewer will not pursue that line of questioning any further and will most likely hire you out of either pity or fear of a lawsuit alleging discrimination against individuals with unspecified terminal illnesses. &nbsp;Just don't blame me if your fourth annual performance evaulation is a little awkward.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Women Should Not Speak of Manly Things Beyond Their Comprehension - c. September 3, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I purchased three ottomen, which appear to be black, ottoman-sized six-sided dice with white pips, from Wal-Mart. &nbsp;Whilst I was waiting to check out, a female approached and asked me, "So, are those gaming chairs?" &nbsp;I did not want to engage in any more conversation than necessary with a daft female who knew not the difference between an ottoman and a gaming chair so I replied, "Sure... something like that, I suppose," despite the fact that they were clearly ottomen and not gaming chairs, and continued minding my own business. &nbsp;My own business, I must admit, has in no small part consisted of sitting on one of the ottomen and simultaneously playing Red Dead Redemption, but that means nothing. &nbsp;Nothing!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Laundry Night - c. September 27, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh yes it's Laundry Night and the feeling's right</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh yes it's Laundry Night, oh what a night (Ohhhhhhh what a night)</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0]" style="background-color: #edeff4; line-height: 14px;"><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[0]">Put some detergent in the machine</span><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[1]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[2]">Then start it up to get your clothes clean</span><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[3]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[4]">T-shirts here, gym shorts there, underwear</span><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[5]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[6]">Some garments may be labeled "Handle With Care"</span><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[7]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[0].[8]">This is your night tonight! Separate the dark from white!</span></span><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]" style="background-color: #edeff4; line-height: 14px;"><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]."><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]..[0]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]..[1]">This is your night tonight! Separate the dark from white!</span><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]..[2]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]..[3]">Oh yes it's Laundry Night and the feeling's right</span><br id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]..[4]" /><span id=".reactRoot[1].[1][2][1]{comment10151425521373056_28528542}..[1]..[1]..[0].[0][2]..[3]..[5]">Oh yes it's Laundry Night, oh what a night (Ohhhhhhh what a night)</span></span></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: #edeff4; line-height: 14px;"><span><span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span><span style="background-color: #edeff4; line-height: 14px;"><span><span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">May/December Romances c. September 29, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b></span></span></span><br /><span style="background-color: #edeff4; line-height: 14px;"><span><span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I could almost tolerate being&nbsp;<em>involved</em>&nbsp;with a lady if I only had to deal with her for two (non-consecutive!) months each year and it didn't conflict with March Madness, the World Series or the Super Bowl. &nbsp;Alas, the Natsu Basho is in May, and I suffer no distractions during hon-basho.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I Love When People Unwittingly Set Me Up to Quote Classic Song Lyrics - c. October 4, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My friend Atilla invited me to a cookout at his place last week, but I told him I had to take my pet snake to the veterinarian that day. &nbsp;He said I was welcome to come with my snake after the appointment, so I took him up on the offer. &nbsp;On the day of the event, my snake and I got stuck waiting in the veterinarian's lobby for one hour and forty-five minutes and consequently arrived late to the cookout. &nbsp;Attila said they still had plenty of burgers on the grill but were regrettably out of buns. &nbsp;I helped myself to a burger anyway, and Atilla said there was enough for me to even feed one to my snake if she were interested. &nbsp;I said to Attila, "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun." &nbsp;He was not amused.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #1c2a47; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">1 |-|4d 4 f145|=|b4(|&lt; 70 2001 - c. October 5, 2012 Anno Domini</span></span><br /><span style="color: #1c2a47; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I saw Charlotte-Mecklenburg school bus number 1337 on the road whilst driving today. &nbsp;I am kind of hoping it was taking the best and brightest of our elementary school students home from a super-secret 1337 h4XX0r training program where they are learning all sorts of pwnage, but the truth is probably far more /\/\|_||\||)4|\|3 than that.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">People Who Cannot Drive Need to Be Sufficiently Familiar With Greek Mythology to Know When They Are Being Insulted - c. October 6, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Things I actually said to other drivers whilst northbound on Interstate 85 today...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">You should get vanity plates that say "ARACHNE" if you're going to continue weaving in and out of traffic like that.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Who do you think you are to cut me off like that? &nbsp;Atropos?</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">How Kids Talk Trash These Days, Apparently, c. November 4, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Overheard in section 16 of Wallace Wade Stadium last night...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Clemson Fan &nbsp;Child:</b>&nbsp;You're a donkey.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Duke Fan Child:</b>&nbsp;Your mom's a donkey.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Clemson Fan Child:</b>&nbsp;Your wife's a mule.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Duke Fan Child:</b>&nbsp;Your pops is a... insect.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Clemson Fan Child:</b>&nbsp;Your great-great-great-great-grandma was EARWAX!!!!!</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Confirmation Bias - c. November 17, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">During an idle period at work last night, a co-worker and I discussed Skyrim. &nbsp;Shortly thereafter, I left to get something to eat. &nbsp;At the intersection of Ballantyne Commons Parkway and Johnston Road, I stopped for a red light and a car with a license plate stating "FUS-RO-DAH" stopped next to me. &nbsp;It reminded me of the time I was using E. Honda in Street Fighter II Turbo (during my high school years) and saw a HONDA Civic on the road afterwards. &nbsp;On another occasion, I discussed the Sega Genesis version of Mortal Kombat. &nbsp;On the next day, I went to a blood drive, and the Red Cross bloodmobile's license plate stated "ABACABB." &nbsp;For the sake of humanity, I am going to try really hard not to play, discuss or think about any game from the Fallout series or Katamari Damacy ever again. &nbsp;Starting now.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It's Hard Out There For a Pimp (To Finish a Meal in Peace) - c. November 23, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I recently went out to the Pei Wei Asian Diner in Ballantyne for dinner prior to work while wearing a navy pinstriped suit with a Union Jack necktie and Union Jack cufflinks, a bl;ue shirt, red shoes and a red belt. &nbsp;Midway through the consumption of my Thai Dynamite Chicken, an employee of the establishment approached. &nbsp;I expected her to ask how my meal was, request I consume said Thai Dynamite Chicken more quickly due to the impending close of business or engage in some other suchlike professional discourse. &nbsp;Instead, she asked me, "I was wondering... do you always dress so... what is the word... eclectic? &nbsp;Not to be a creeper or anything." &nbsp;I expect inquires regarding my personal style at times (such as when I wear a suit too stylish to be considered in any profession not prohibited by law), but this was not one of them. &nbsp;I thought my attire was bloody well antithetical to the concept of eclecticism, seeing as how my tie and my cufflinks were both as British as Her Royal Highness, and nothing else I was wearing was out of the ordinary (unless she meant that I was wearing the flag of Great Britain with an American single-vented suit rather than a more English side-vented suit), but instead of pointing this out to her I merely said, "Actually, this is rather conservative for me because I am on my way to work. &nbsp;Otherwise, I'd be wearing a red zoot suit." &nbsp;She said something else, but I hardly recall what it was and it could not have been relevant. &nbsp;The point is, this is why I don't eat out much. &nbsp; I don't know how any celebrity above the W-list ever finishes a meal in a restaurant with all the interruptions.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #1c2a47; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">First She Said I Had a Nice Happy Haircut But Then She Revealed That Actually the Main Character Died a Horribly Painful Death - c. December 3, 2012 Anno Domini</span></span><br /><span style="color: #1c2a47; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I terribly dislike getting my hair cut because I dislike people touching my head. &nbsp;All hair cutters do this during the hair cutting process. &nbsp;I also hate inane small talk, and many hair cutters do this during the hair cutting process. &nbsp;I really hate people I don't know and never will know providing information of a highly personal nature to me whilst I am unable to tell them to shut up because they are wielding razor-sharp objects in the &nbsp;vicinity of my head and could easily put an eye out if they got it into their head that I was being rude. &nbsp;Consequently, I get my hair cut much shorter than anyone thinks looks decent on me and letting it grow much longer than anyone thinks looks decent on me to maximise the intervals between haircuts and minimise my exposure to head-touching and inane chatter. &nbsp;This also assists me in preventing women from attempting to undermine my bachelorhood (not that I need any help in that area, but every bit counts.)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Last time I got my hair cut, the hair cutter told me someone had, "Done the worst possible thing someone could do to another person," to her. &nbsp;I offered some marginally sincere condolences and assumed someone forced her to watch Atonement (an abomination of an Academy Award-winning World War II period piece starring the actress I didn't like from Bend It Like Beckham and running somewhere between three (3) and seven (7) hours to the best of my recollection) in its entirety with nary a break because that would be a terrible thing to do another person, and I didn't think it was necessary to request additional details. &nbsp;She proceeded to tell me she didn't get out of bed for three days afterwards and had just returned to the world on the other side of the covers that morning. &nbsp;I assumed she spend those three days building a fort out of her bed and watching The Complete Unabridged Works of Samuel L. Jackson in bed because it is unseemly for a gentleman to ever ask a lady about what she does in bed. &nbsp;In her defense, she did manage to pull herself together and provide what I thought was a suitable hair cut at a reasonable price only three days after being forced to suffer through Atonement, but even so, I don't think that was sufficient to atone for the sin of sharing excessive information not germane to the process of her cutting my hair.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Alas, it is getting close to that time again... if anyone knows any talented and taciturn hair cutters let me know. &nbsp;If not, I'll settle for a taciturn hack.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2012/12/volume-xxi-my-rise-to-r-list-celebrity.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-5078617862674091330Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:00:00 +00002012-12-03T22:49:07.512-08:00VOLUME XX - The Most Interesting Volume of The Archives in the World and Other Tales<br /><h3 style="background: white; margin-top: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Arial&quot;,&quot;sans-serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2012/02/volume-xx-most-interesting-volume-of.html"><span style="color: windowtext;">VOLUME XX - The Most Interesting Volume of The Archives in the World and Other Tales</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></h3><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">c. July 15, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /><br /><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sometimes I wish I could draw proficiently.&nbsp; Mostly because it would amuse me to have a picture of Optimus Prime sitting behind a dungeon master screen and telling Bumblebee, Rachet and Grimlock, "Autobots, roll for initiative!</span><span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">c. July 30, 2011, Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /><br /><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">I was recently stuck at a stop light next to a damsel driving a Scion tC.&nbsp; I thought about rolling down my window and asking her, "Nice Scion, but wouldn't you rather bear&nbsp;<em>my</em>&nbsp;scion?" Merely for comical effect, of course.&nbsp; I didn't actually say it because rather than find it amusing, she would have most likely gone into an apoplectic road rage and run my tiny Hyundai off of Polk Street</span><span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">c. August 21, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><br /><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Last week, I wore my trademark red hat and my David Tyree jersey&nbsp;to the preseason game between the New York Football Giants and the Carolina Panthers.&nbsp; For some reason, I parked in a garage on East Trade Street eight blocks away from the stadium.&nbsp; After the game, a random drunk guy followed me half the way back to the car telling me my hat looked like a hat a rabbi would wear and yelling, "RABBI TYREEEEEEEEE!"&nbsp; He asked me to be his rabbi, and I told him I couldn't because I wasn't a rabbi.&nbsp; He asked if I had ever certified any food as kosher so they could put a K on the label, and I told him I wasn't qualified to do that because I wasn't a rabbi and was not, in fact, Jewish at all.&nbsp; He said he wasn't Jewish either, because his mother wasn't.&nbsp; I didn't ask if his father was, seeing as how it was none of my business.&nbsp; Due to his frequently yelling, "RABBI TYREEEEEEEEE!," several people were looking at him as if he were a bit odd and giving him a wide berth.&nbsp; I was very happy to see him stop following me to turn into&nbsp;a parking garage after four blocks.&nbsp; I was also happy I had parked four blocks away from him, because I wasn't looking forward to him following me all the way back to Pineville and yelling , "RABBI TYREEEEEEEEE!," the whole time.&nbsp; I never did tell him that in addition to not being a rabbi I wasn't David Tyree either.&nbsp; I wonder if he figured that out on his own.</span><span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">c. August 26, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">The process I typically use to make a student loan payment is as follows:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">1. Spent eight minutes attempting and failing&nbsp;to log into salliemae.com because I forgot my username and/or password<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">2. Click the password reset button<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">3. Immediately remember the answers to both randomly selected security questions without even a modicum of difficulty<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">4. Wait two minutes for an e-mail from Sallie Mae indicating my password has been reset<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">5. Abandon all hope of ever receiving the aforementioned e-mail<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">6. Wait a few days<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">7. Check my e-mail, see a message from Sallie Mae indicating my password has been reset and remember I never did get around to making this month's payment<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">8. Smack head<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">9. Make payment<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">By a miraculous stroke of luck, I managed to remember that my password was&nbsp;<strong>REDACTED</strong>&nbsp;and log in successfully on the first attempt for the first time in 14 months today.&nbsp; Of course, now that I have a hot streak going, I never have to log in again.&nbsp; I might do it next month anyway just to prove to myself that I can.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">c. September 1, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">One would think that with Borders going out of business and trying to get rid of their wares the staff would be tempted to slack off as far as shelving books in the proper sections is concerned, but no.&nbsp; I found a book entitled "New Tax Law Simplified" right where it belongs today.&nbsp; In the fantasy section.<span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><b>c. September 1, 2011 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Snakes Breaking the Plane! &nbsp;That's right.&nbsp; Samuel L. Jackson is so awesome I named my fantasy football team after one of his movies despite the fact that he has one fewer touchdown pass as an NFL quarterback than John Beck.&nbsp; In defense of Mr. Jackson's quarterbacking skills, it may be a few months before Mr. Beck pulls two ahead of him.<span class="apple-converted-space">&nbsp;</span><br /><br /><b>c. September 8, 2011 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Many years ago, when disputes between men were settled by crossing blades,&nbsp; certain knaves, blackguards and rabble made a point of visiting their foes' weaponsmiths to demand intelligence such as types of blades their enemies used, the blades' lengths and weights and the alloys used in the production of the blades.&nbsp; Forearmed with such knowledge, those blighters were able to initiate duels with their more honorable nemeses having seized a significant tactical advantage.&nbsp; To address this issue, a wise and just ruler issued a decree prohibiting weaponsmiths from disclosing information pertaining to their customers and the swords they purchased.&nbsp; This decree was known as the Anelace, Gauche and Rapier Information Portability and Accountabilty Act, or colloquially,&nbsp;<a href="http://www.italicapress.com/index311.html" original_target="http://www.italicapress.com/index311.html" saprocessedanchor="true" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank" verdict_1d67h8f="OK"><span style="color: windowtext;">AGRIPAA</span></a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /><b>c. September 18, 2011 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I won a gnome in my disc golf league last week.&nbsp; Generally, the winner of the gnome keeps it for a week, brings it back to the league and makes a speech about the gnome's adventures before bestowing it unto the next winner.&nbsp; Things were a bit disorganized this week and the league members dispersed before a proper gnome-bestowing ceremony could occur, so I ended up not making the following speech:<br /><br />It has been an honor to have the gnome as a guest for the past week, but I feel like our time together has been entirely too short.&nbsp; There were so many things I wanted to do with him but wasn’t able to get to.&nbsp; We never traveled together to the beautiful city of Nome, Alaska.&nbsp; We never played musical instruments together and kept time with a metronome.&nbsp; There was no time to take a math class and learn about the binomial theorem or to study scientific nomenclature.&nbsp; Much to my dismay, we never read to each other from the Necronomicon or the works of Noam Chomsky.&nbsp; Perhaps worst of all, we never watched old baseball highlights from the careers of Hideo Nomo and Nomar Garciaparra.&nbsp; My advice to whoever wins the gnome this week is to cherish your time with him.&nbsp; The gnome will be gone before you know it.&nbsp; It isn’t his fault.&nbsp; He was just born to be a nomad.<br /><br /><b>c. September 18, 2011 Anno Domini</b><br /><br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;Not you again, Toa--- What?&nbsp; You're not Toad!&nbsp; It's a pleasure to meet you m'lady, err, your highness, err, princess?<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp; Princess is fine.&nbsp; Teehee.&nbsp; Thank you so much for rescuing me from that repugnant, reptilian ruler!<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;You mean that distasteful, diabolical despot?<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;That malevolent, monstrous monarch!<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;That terrible terrapin tyrant?<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp; That pestilent&nbsp;<i>Pleurodira</i>&nbsp;potentate!<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp; Hmm... we are both talking about Bowser, right?<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;Bowser?&nbsp; Who is that?&nbsp; I was referring to King Koopa<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;King Koopa?<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;King Koopa.&nbsp; Big, ugly turtle.&nbsp; Breathes fire.&nbsp; You just drowned him in that pool of lava.<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;That was Bowser.<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;I think I would know who kidnapped me.<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;Are you sure Bowser didn't drop you on your head while he was kidnapping you?&nbsp; You seem to have gone a little daft, Princess Peach.<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;Peach?&nbsp;Peach? &nbsp;My name is Princess Toadstool!<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;So let me get this straight.&nbsp; You're Princess Toadstool.&nbsp; King Koopa kidnapped you, Bowser kidnapped Princess Peach?&nbsp; I hope I don't have to rescue her manservant from seven different castles before I find her too.<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;It doesn't matter, Mario.&nbsp; You rescued me.&nbsp; You're my hero.&nbsp; You're so dashing!<br /><b>Mario:</b>&nbsp;Me?&nbsp; Dashing?&nbsp; I'm not even moving, let alone walking while holding the B button!<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;<i>*groans* *smacks forehead*</i><br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;I think I liked it better before you rescued me.<br /><b>Princess:</b>&nbsp;<i>*dives into lava* *searches for King Koopa* *or Bowser* *or that frog boss from SMB2* *anyone except Mario, really*</i><br /><br /><b>c. September 28, 2011 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />An n-entendre, where n is a non-negative integer:<br /><br /><b>Q:</b>&nbsp;Why did Lando cross the empire?<br /><b>A:</b>&nbsp;To get to the other side<br /><br /><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">c. October 4, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b><br /><br /><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">An explanation of September 28's n-entendre:</span><br /><!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br /><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">‎"Crossing the empire" could refer to moving from one side of the territory belonging to the Galactic Empire to the other, or it could mean angering of Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, et. al., to confuse the same parties or to betray (as i<span class="textexposedshow">n double-cross) them. "The other side" could mean the region on the opposite side of the empire's territory from Bespin, the opposite side of the rebellion (i.e. the Rebel Alliance) or the opposite side of the Force. If you're feeling particularly cheeky, "the other side" could even mean Lando's chef prepared two sides of bantha (because they don't have beef in the Star Wars universe) for the dinner at which Han Solo was frozen in carbonite and Lando ate one, but Darth Vader had the other frozen in carbonite and sent to Jabba along with Han. The first side of bantha was so delicious that Lando felt compelled to cross the empire to get to the other one, thaw it out and feast upon it.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="commentbody"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If "Cross the empire" has four possible meanings and "the other side" has four, then there are sixteen (16) possible interpretations of the question and answer above. I dare say all sixteen (16) are semantically meaningful (although perhaps George Lucas would only consider twelve (12) to be canonical). That makes it a hexadeci-entendre, Q.E.D. I am the king of entendres.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="commentbody"><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">c. October 13, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">At the social security office, I saw a woman in her late forties or early fifties wearing a Mr. Peabody shirt.&nbsp; I couldn't resist complimenting her taste by telling her, "Mr. Peabody?&nbsp; Awesome!"&nbsp; She replied, "You know who he is?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!," as if I were some ignorant child.&nbsp; She was rather polite&nbsp;aside from&nbsp;failing to respect my venerable age and gave me a coupon worth up to 20 percent off a single item at a nearby clothing shop owned by her brother-in-law.&nbsp; I checked out the store's web site and determined said coupon could be worth up to at least $200 USD.&nbsp; Sadly, they don't sell Mr. Peabody shirts.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">&nbsp;</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="textexposedshow"><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">c. October 16, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If I were running for elective office, I would have an autodialer call potential voters several times betwixt the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. over the course of a month with recorded messages urging people to vote for my opponent.&nbsp; Then, I would run on a "not disrupting my constituents' REM cycles" platform and be guaranteed to win.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">&nbsp;</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="textexposedshow"><b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">c. October 26, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You have to respect a band that performs a full set of their own orignal music, thanks the audience, runs off the stage and returns a few minutes later to perform eight Ramones covers as an encore.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">Between the opening act and Shonen Knife's performance, a random fellow said his friend wanted to know my name, so I told him it was Jonathan.&nbsp; I should have told him it was Mr. Roberts, but I was in too good of a mood to be as difficult as I normally am.&nbsp; After the show, his friend told me the reason she wanted to know my name is that she and her boss had a bet on what the name of the guy wearing the red hat was.&nbsp; If my name had been Barry, her boss would have won.&nbsp; If my name had been Ira, she would have won.&nbsp; I asked why they thought my name would be either Barry or Ira.&nbsp; She said it was because I looked like a man named Ira Glass, who she described as "the biggest&nbsp;bad-ss in the world."&nbsp; I asked, "Even moreso than Samuel L. Jackson?"&nbsp; She stopped to think for a moment, replied affirmatively and told me I would know who he was when I got old and started listening to NPR.&nbsp; I told her I was already old, but she doubted me.&nbsp; I suggested she and her boss break the tie on their name bet by guessing my age.&nbsp; She guessed 25, her boss guessed 26 and her husband joined in and guessed 32.&nbsp; I laughed at her and her boss, told them I was 30 and reveled in her admission that I was older than she.&nbsp; I said since they were still tied, they could take turns trying to guess my social security number.&nbsp; The boss said the joke was on me because he had already stolen my wallet and looked at my social security card.&nbsp; I was tempted to tell him the joke was on him because I keep a fake social security card, with the number 555-55-5555 on it, in my wallet to fool would-be pickpocketing identity thieves and those who cheat on bets, but I didn't.&nbsp; He never did explain why he thought my name would be Barry.&nbsp; I was wearing my pimp suit, not a San Francisco Giants jersey, and I certainly don't look very roided up.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">During the above conversation, a random woman literally fell over herself to tell me how wonderful my hat was.&nbsp; She tripped over a sign whilst approaching me, tore a hole in her pants and skinned her knee.&nbsp; After recovering, she successfully walked the remaining distance and initiated a conversation about how wonderful my hat was.&nbsp; I told her the story about the girl at the movie theater who said I was "sooooooooo hot" and that she loved my hat.&nbsp; When I got to the part about how I told the girl it was all the hat, not me, and the girl agreed after I took my hat off, the woman said, "No, it's not all the hat.&nbsp; It's also the suit and the tie."&nbsp; She added the parenthetical phrase, "(because it certainly isn't anything inherent about you, Mr. Roberts)" but didn't speak it aloud.&nbsp; I apologized for causing her to ruin her pants and skin her knee by wearing such a pimpalicious hat, but she said she tripped because she was drunk and accepted full responsiblity for the consequences of her intoxication.&nbsp; I think she was right, because if she had been sober she would have known that I am already aware of how wonderful my hat is and did not need her to inform me.&nbsp; I remained fully sober and managed not to injure myself attempting to inform Ritsuko (Shonen Knife's bassist) of how dreamy she is because I'm sure she already knows exactly how dreamy she is without any input on the subject from me.&nbsp; Huzzah for abstention from intoxicating liquors.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">I also met a mother who was wearing an Err hat and brought her daughter to see Shonen Knife.&nbsp; She said she saw them several years ago.&nbsp; She also mentioned that she didn't know who the Mooninites were and wanted to wear her Meatwad hat, but her children wanted her to wear the Err hat.&nbsp; I filled her in on the Mooninites as a girl I met at the concert looked up a picture of them on her phone and told the mother that her children's friends would definitely consider her to be the cool mom for wearing an Err hat.&nbsp; She politely informed me that she was the cool mom for taking her daughter to see Shonen Knife, and I admitted that trumped Err.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">Atsuko, Shonen Knife's original drummer, was running their merchandise table.&nbsp; I was happy to see her there, but she may think I am a thief.&nbsp; I purchased a few items before the performance started and accidentally scooped two tote bags a price tag off the display on the table along with my merchandise and walked away.&nbsp; I didn't realize what I had done until I started trying to put everything into my pockets and realized there was no way everything was going to fit due to the excess items.&nbsp; I promptly returned everything, and Atsuko-san was very polite about it, but I'm sure I still looked like a thief.&nbsp; After the show, I purchased a few posters and joked with her that I wasn't going to steal anything else.&nbsp; She said she liked my hat (but managed to remain upright!&nbsp; Let that be a lesson to tipsy women everywhere), so I stuck it on her head.&nbsp; It went well with her glasses and looked better on her than on me,&nbsp; but she returned it and graciously signed my poster.&nbsp; I'm not sure about how many people recognized her, but she was awesome.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">They performed in Brooklyn on Sunday night, and I had been in the NYC area for a wedding until Sunday morning.&nbsp; If I had been thinking things through, I would have stayed there an extra day and taken Wednesday night off from work so I could have seen Shonen Knife in Brooklyn, flew back to Charlotte on Monday, driven to Durham to see them last night and raced to Atlanta to see them tonight.&nbsp; It would have been worth it.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">c. October 27, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">Things I ponder whilst waiting in line at Gamestop:</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">How many times per day does that girl at the register get asked, "Do you sell belts that you can clip a Wii remote into like Captain N did with his NES controller?"</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead of asking her, I examined the Wii accessories section myself and determined that Gamestop does not sell any such thing.&nbsp; Someone needs to get on that.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">c. December 10, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">As I was walking to the train station in Flushing, New York today, I passed an outdoor vegetable stand. &nbsp;A woman purchased a tomato and accidentally dropped it. &nbsp;The tomato rolled into the street. &nbsp;I used my uncannily fast reflexes to dash into the street and pick it up &nbsp;before a careless, inattentive driver was able to run over it. &nbsp;I returned it to the lady without either myself or the tomato incurring so much as a scratch, and she thanked me kindly. &nbsp;I assume she was planning to wash the tomato prior to consumption, even if it hadn't rolled in the street.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">c. January 7, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">Customers who bought items in my recent history also bought...</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Joker-Gloves-Adult-Costume-Accessory/dp/B001DNI938/ref=pd_rhf_se_shvl1" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">The Joker TM Gloves Adult Costume Accessory</span></a></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><a border="0" href="http://www.amazon.com/NeckTie-Emerald-Striped-Vertical-Stripes/dp/B001OMMMX6/ref=pd_rhf_se_shvl2" saprocessedanchor="true" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">Men's Dress Vest &amp; NeckTie Emerald Green Striped Vertical Stripes Design Set for Suit or Tuxedo</span></a></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><a border="0" href="http://www.amazon.com/Rubies-Costume-Co-Joker-Spray/dp/B001GQXYOQ/ref=pd_rhf_se_shvl3" saprocessedanchor="true" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">The Joker Hair Spray</span></a></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><a border="0" href="http://www.amazon.com/Joker-Make-Kit-Costume-Accessory/dp/B001DNI7T4/ref=pd_rhf_se_shvl4" saprocessedanchor="true" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;">The Joker Make Up Kit TM Costume Accessory</span></a></span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">It seems to me that someone from&nbsp;<a href="http://www.amazon.com/" original_target="http://www.amazon.com/" saprocessedanchor="true" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank" verdict_1d67h8f="CERTIFIED"><span style="color: windowtext;">Amazon</span></a>, from whom the preceding list was obtained, is a joker, because my recent history does not include anything Batman-themed or a buzzer ring.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">c. January 19, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have a legendary collection of neckties. &nbsp;I am too lazy to count them, but I estimate they number between thirty-five (35*) and forty-five (45). &nbsp;Unfortunately, I do not have an equally legendary method of necktie storage. &nbsp;They are, in fact, stored quite mundanely. &nbsp;Ideally, I would rectify this by procuring a tie rack in the form of a hydra statue with one head (and, naturally, one neck) for each necktie I own. &nbsp;Upon each hydra neck, one of my ties would be worn. &nbsp;I realize no precedent for such a polycephallically prolific hydra exists in history, mythology or the complete unabridged works of<em>Gygax, et. al.</em>, but that presents no obstacle. &nbsp;The major obstacles are my lack of talent as a sculptor, my lack of talent sculptor acquaintainces and the likely to be legendary cost of commissioning such a grand work. &nbsp;If I can become fabulously wealthy between now and November, I may communicate my desire to a few artisans at the Rennaissance Festival and try to reach an agreement with one.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">* The original version of this entry, as posted at http://www.facebook.com contained a typographical error. &nbsp;Thank you much much to the esteemed Mr. Jacob Collins for alerting us to our failure to meet our usual high orthographic and typographical standards. &nbsp;In addition to correcting the error here, we have severely chastised ourselves. &nbsp;Future occurrences will result in self-imposed revocations of blogging&nbsp;privileges.</span></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /><br /><span class="textexposedshow"><b>c. January 27, 2012 Anno Domini</b></span><br /><!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br /><!--[endif]--><span class="textexposedshow"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">I took the light rail uptown to see Madama Butterfly today. &nbsp;Unfortunately, the train was experiencing some sort of technical difficulties between the I-485/South Blvd station, so I ended up having to take a bus from there to the Arrowood station. &nbsp;Despite the delay involved in waiting for an extra bus to be dispatched to I-485/South Blvd and and the havoc the train's technical diffiuculties wreaked on the schedule, I arrived at my destination in a timely manner.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">My trip back passed without incident until the Sharon Rd West station, at which point the following conversation occurred:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><strong><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Random Inebriated Woman:</span></strong><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">&nbsp;Sorry, but my friends are making me take a poll. &nbsp;When you check out girls' -sses, do you notice their panty lines?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><strong><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Me:</span></strong><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">&nbsp;I'm too clumsy to walk and chew gum at the same time. &nbsp;Do you really think I could manage to walk and check out a woman at the same time?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><strong><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Random Inebriated Woman:</span></strong><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">&nbsp;Well, if you did.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><strong><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Me:&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">&nbsp;I wouldn't be looking for it. &nbsp;Most women's panties are really none of my business.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><strong><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Random Inebriated Woman:</span></strong><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">&nbsp;Wow. &nbsp;You're a really nice guy&nbsp;<em>*extends hand, as if to shake*</em><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">c. January 31, 2012 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;,&quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12.0pt;">B-gg-r this. &nbsp;I'm switching to Google Plus. &nbsp;Facebook apparently prohibits the use of commas in users' names, thereby preventing me from entering, "Jonathan Roberts, OBE" as my username. &nbsp;Entering "Jonathan Roberts OBE" is permitted, but results in "Jonathan Roberts Obe" being displayed. &nbsp;Entering "Jonathan Roberts O.B.E." results in an error message stating the name entered contains too many periods. &nbsp;Mr. Zuckerberg would probably correct this issue in three shakes of a lamb's tail if Lizzy knighted him, &nbsp;but in that event I would seek to distance myself from the Order rather than representing myself as a member on the internet.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br /><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" style="display: inline;"></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2012/02/volume-xx-most-interesting-volume-of.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-9030975914931503481Fri, 15 Jul 2011 05:22:00 +00002012-02-01T10:12:22.234-08:00VOLUME XIX - Tampering With My Bread or That's What They're Calling It These Days and Other Tales<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><strong>c. May 1, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />Apparently I can't&nbsp;sit&nbsp;in my new chair whilst using&nbsp;my XBox or playing Munchkin because it has a warning label stating, "Use this product as a task/working chair, NOT as a wheel chair, <b>game</b> chair or object for other purposes."&nbsp; (Bolding mine).&nbsp; Fortunately, my plan all along was to use the chair with my computer, and I hardly ever play PC games because my old monitor tinted everything red and it made it hard to see properly.<br /><br />Of course, the downside is that &nbsp;I can't watch monster truck rally videos on&nbsp;YouTube all day because, although I paid for the whole seat, the warning label also states, "DON'T sit on the edge!"<br /><br /><strong>c. June 3, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><br />Dramatis Personae:<br />Jonathan Roberts, a&nbsp;thirty year old single male<br />Random Woman,&nbsp;a random woman<br />Jonathan Roberts' Internal Monologue, a veritable font of wisdom<br /><br />Scene: Aisle four.&nbsp; Jonathan Roberts is putting his groceries onto the conveyor belt.&nbsp; Random Woman has just impertinently removed a loaf of bread from Jonathan Roberts' cart and placed it on the conveyor belt, as if to assist him.<br /><br /><strong>Random Woman:</strong>&nbsp;Don't forget anything.&nbsp; She'll just make you comeright &nbsp;back&nbsp;and get it.<br /><strong>Jonathan Roberts:</strong>&nbsp;She?&nbsp; I'm single and live alone.&nbsp; I don't have to worry about that sort of thing.<br /><strong>Random Woman:</strong> But you'll still have to come back.<br /><strong>Jonathan Roberts' Internal Monologue:</strong> But it will be of my own volition, dog gone it!<br /><br /><strong>c. June 12, 2011, Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><br /><br />If you wear a stylish, vintage 70's suit&nbsp;to the grocery store, make a purchase and request $40 USD in cash back, but&nbsp;moronically leave without your&nbsp;cash,&nbsp;walk out of&nbsp;the store, drive away, return to the store, tell the cashier you forgot your cash and politely request to be united with it no one will say they don't remember you being in&nbsp;store earlier.<br /><br />The unfortunate part of wearing such a suit is that various ladies always want to be photographed next to it, and then you have to be in the photograph with them because (although they don't really want you in the picture) they only way for them to&nbsp;be photographed with the suit but without you is for you to take the suit off to allow it to be photographed, and no one wants to see that.<br /><br /><strong>c. June 13, 2011, Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />I recently purchased&nbsp;The Countess of Pembroke's Arcadia, by Sir Philip Sidney from&nbsp;http://www.amazon.com.&nbsp;&nbsp;Like the fool I am, I&nbsp;declined to first read the description of the book,&nbsp;assuming the&nbsp;edition I purchased was of a modern variety and&nbsp;would include innovations such as standardised orthography and the use of the character "s" instead of an integral sign.&nbsp; When the book arrived, I opened it and found it to be a high-fidelity reproduction of an edition published in 1590 A.D.&nbsp; So far, every "s"I have even come across was represented by an integral sign, with the exception of two such characters adjacent to each other represented by "ß"!&nbsp; Sir Philip also tends to use "u" and&nbsp;"v" interchangeably and sometimes puts an accent mark over a vowel to indicate that it should be followed by "m" or "n" instead of actually writing "m" or "n" after the vowel, or maybe such practices were employed purely through the prerogative of the printer.&nbsp; Of course, I wouldn't blame the printer for the inconsistent spelling.&nbsp; In one sentence, Sir Philip writes, "Now, it is done onelie for you, onely to you," spelling the word "only" once as "onelie" and once as "onely."&nbsp; Despite my enjoyment of the book so far, it does make me want to construct a time machine to send a legion of editors back to the sixteenth century.&nbsp; In the interest of fairness, I must say Sir Philip's spelling is more readable than most people's text messages and he doesn't use arabic numerals (like everyone other than me these days) or roman numerals (like Boyz II Men) in place of words.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MJDM6Km7lpg/Th_NGXktDVI/AAAAAAAAACE/PVckqkfa53k/s1600/arcadia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" m$="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MJDM6Km7lpg/Th_NGXktDVI/AAAAAAAAACE/PVckqkfa53k/s320/arcadia.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><strong>c. June 19, 2011 Anno Domini</strong></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">At 6:15 a.m., I got out of work and attempted to start my car.&nbsp; It didn't work.&nbsp; I attempted to open the hood to investigate, but that didn't work either.&nbsp; Seeing as how my contingency plan for my car not starting consists of opening the hood, staring at the engine for a bit, hope the battery just needs a bit of a charge and ask a co-worker to help me jump start it... the failure of the hood to open was problematic.&nbsp; I ended up calling a tow truck and killing time by walking several laps around the pond behind my workplace until the sidewalk got too full of dog-walkers.&nbsp; After the dog-walkers took over, I went back to my car.&nbsp; I won't lie and say it didn't feel as if I had been waiting interminably for the tow truck by that point but in reality it had only been about twenty minutes.&nbsp; An uninformed observer, however, could be forgiven for thinking I had left my car sitting in the parking lot for at least a decade, because a large cobb webbe, extending from the outermost tip of the driver's side mirror to a point on the window, had formed (as such things are wont to appear in old abandoned houses in cheesy movies.)&nbsp; Logically, I must conclude that either my life is a satire of such cheesy movies or the Spider Queen of Menzoberranzan Herself (that chaotic evil taffeta punk) despatched one of her minions to play a cruel joke on me.&nbsp; Due to the lack of tumbleweeds blowing through the parking lot and the failure of my beard to grow to a comically absurd length, my money is on the latter.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><strong>c. June 27, 2011 Anno Domini</strong></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>Last week, I was driving Bella around and she asked if I was speeding, because if I was speeding that would make me a bad citizen.&nbsp; I told her I was not speeding and that I was a very good citizen&nbsp;because I picked up some litter in a park a few days prior and threw it away.&nbsp; Bella totally burst my bubble by saying picking up litter and throwing it way made me a bad citizen because it increased the size of landfills and someday the&nbsp;whole Earth would be full of landfills because of people picking up litter and throwing it away.&nbsp; I can't win.&nbsp; :(&nbsp;</div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><strong>c. July 3, 2011 Anno Domini</strong></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>I don't know anything about ancient Greek except what the letters look like, so I can't rightly say whether or not Sophocles used an ellipsis or other such indication of a pause in the original, but the following, taken from Paul Roche's translation of Sophocles' "Oedipus the King," is the best use of a dramatic pause in the history of drama:<br /><br /><b>Messenger:</b> Can you tell me please, good sirs, where is the palace of King Oedipus, or better, where's the king?<br /><b>Chorus:</b> This is his palace, sir, and he's within.&nbsp; This lady is his wife and mother . . . of his children.<br /><br /><strong>c. July 7, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>Not that I condone (or would ever attempt) online dating, but once, I got the idea into my head that in order for all to be right with the world, http://www.carbon14.com needed to be the address of a geeky science nerd dating site.&nbsp; I took a look at it, but it turned out to be all about an art gallery in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.&nbsp; I most definitely wasn't&nbsp;planning to register and use the site to find a geeky science nerd lady or anything, but it was still a huge disappointment.</div></div></div></div></div></div></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/07/volume-xix-tampering-with-my-bread-or.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-283841706413446979Fri, 29 Apr 2011 09:58:00 +00002011-08-02T06:18:47.492-07:00VOLIUME XVIII - My First Derivative With the Ladies Is Not a Continuous Function and Other Tales<strong>c. January 9, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />Work is like XBox, and by that I mean...<br /><br /><div><br />Burnout&nbsp;equals Crash Mode.</div><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div><br />Or maybe I mean I'm over&nbsp;one-hundred (100) hours into Oblivion and the end is not yet in sight.<br /><br />Or&nbsp;I mean I would most likely be asked to reduce the number of hours I dedicate to it if I were ever to, ahem, become romantically involved.<br /><br />I am sure there are other similarities.<br /><br /><strong>c. January 17, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div><br /><strong>Me</strong>: What does my bumper look like?<strong></strong><br /><strong>Driver Behind Me:</strong> What?<br /><strong>Me</strong>: What country are you from?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong> What?<br /><strong>Me</strong>: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What"?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: What?<br /><strong>Me</strong>: English! Do you speak it?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: Yes!<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Then you know what I'm saying.<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: Yes...<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Describe what my bumper looks like!<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: What?<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Say "what" again. Say "what" again! I dare you! I double-dare you! Say "what" one more time!<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: Its gray.<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Go on!<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me&nbsp;</strong>: It has bumper stickers on it.<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Does it look like a tilt-a-whirl at the county fair?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: What?<br /><strong>Me</strong>: *<em>shoots&nbsp;Driver Behind Me&nbsp;in the shoulder*</em>&nbsp; Does&nbsp;it look like a tilt-a-whirl?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: No!<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Then why'd you try to ride it like a tilt-a-whirl?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: I didn't!<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Yes, you did! Yes, you did! You tried to ride it. And my bumper don't like to be&nbsp;ridden by anybody except Mrs. Wallace.&nbsp; You read the Bible?<br /><strong>Driver Behind Me</strong>: Yes.<br /><strong>Me</strong>: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized, sort of&nbsp;fits the occasion. Ezekiel 25:17? "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know my name is the Lord&nbsp; when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"<br /><br /><strong>c. January 28, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>Pick up lines are lame.&nbsp; Real ladies' men know how to use a pick-up parabola or, when dealing with a very special lady,&nbsp;a pick-up sine wave.<br /><br /><strong>c. February 3, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>If you share my initials and last name, your e-mail address is jdroberts<b>x</b>@gmail.com where x is a two-digit number and&nbsp;you are&nbsp;e-mailing yourself a&nbsp;photograph of yourself/your girlfriend/your mom/some random dame bent over in front of a brown leather couch wearing nothing but a pink, black and white thong you might want to proofread the e-mail address to be sure you inserted <b>x</b> between jdroberts and @gmail.com before you click send.<br /><br />Also, if I send you a reply stating, "I believe I received this e-mail in error," a reply (sans derriere) from you, praising my gift for understatement, would not go unappreciated.<br /><br /><strong>c. February 6, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />Like most children, I had every adult I knew during my youth telling me not to do things such as drinking, smoking, taking candy from strangers and crossing the street without looking both ways first.&nbsp; At a very young age, before any of my peers, I figured out that adults understood the rebellious nature of&nbsp;adolescents; ergo they really wanted us to do all that stuff and only told us not to because they knew we would disobey.&nbsp; Resultingly, I never played hooky, blew off my homework or&nbsp;went to the kind of parties where teenagers play spin the bottle instead of Dungeons and Dragons and watch R-rated movies instead of Star Trek: the Next Generation.&nbsp; I even put my coat on every time I went outsider during the winter, obstensibly to avoid catching my death of cold, and flaunted it as if to say, "I'm on to you old people.&nbsp; You can't fool me.&nbsp; The jig is up."&nbsp; That was my subtle way of sticking it to the man.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;&nbsp;insouciance eventually became a habit, and to this day I still have never ridden my bike at night without wearing bright clothing, worn socks with holes in them or hit on 17.<br /><br /><strong>c. February 9, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>I took a certain eight-year old to Burger King today.&nbsp; She went&nbsp;to the soda fountain, filled her cup with&nbsp;regular Coca-Cola, turned to me and said, "Ahhhh, the joys of&nbsp; being non-diabetic."<br /><br /><strong>c. February 19, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />A while back, I somehow managed to get the tube from my insulin pump tangled up whilst taking off my pants after a long day at work and ripped the infusion site out.&nbsp; A geyser of blood spurted out, like when Uma Thurman cut the dudes' arms off in Kill Bill and it kept trickling for five minutes afterwards despite the application of pressure directly to the wound.&nbsp; Admittedly, I had taken my pants off with a certain "I'm done with a serious day at work and am emphatically taking off my serious work pants to change into something leisurely" attitude but the amount of blood that gushed out was still in no way proportional to the (lack of) trauma.&nbsp; It left an epic blood stain, which I attempted (but epically failed to) remove from the carpet.&nbsp; I covered it with a rug, explained the whole incident to my mother and apologized the day I moved out of my parents house.&nbsp; I must have pressed ABACABB before taking off my pants.<br /><br />Today, my infusion site was brutally torn from my body by my harness riding up on me whilst I was careening down a zipline (for the first time in my life) at Warp 7.&nbsp; A lesser man would have screamed in pain and then tried to play it off like he was just screaming in excitement at zooming around at Warp 7, but I merely winced.&nbsp; After botching the landing by fallling directly on my buttocks (sort of a theme today, actually), I inspected the damage, which by all reasonable expectations should have been gruesome,&nbsp;and there was not a single drop of blood.&nbsp; Just like the Super Nintendo version of Mortal Kombat.<br /><br /><strong>c. March 3, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div><br />I was driving home this morning on a road with a speed limit of 45 miles per hour (mph), but only&nbsp;moving at 35 mph because the car in front of me (and presumably the car in front of it, et. al.) was only moving at 35 mph.&nbsp;&nbsp;Rush hour traffic is like that.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;car behind me was also moving at 35 mph and seemed to be trying to lock a tractor beam onto my rear bumper while the driver gesticulated wildly in an attempt to encourage me to speed up for one second so I could close the distance to the car in front of me and then immediately slow back down to 35 mph.&nbsp; Eventually he&nbsp;tired of my failure to submit to his demands, sped up, crossed a double yellow line to pass me and&nbsp;had to immediately slam on his brakes as&nbsp;the light&nbsp;ahead of us turned red and traffic came to a standstill.&nbsp; I&nbsp;laughed and called him the third derivative of position with respect to time.</div></div></div></div></div></div></div><br /><strong>c. March 8, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div><br /><br />I visited the house of a friend, who has two cats, for a friendly game of Munchkin last night.&nbsp; He has two cats, and I am highly allergic to both of them.&nbsp; He was a gracious host and took all the necessary precautions such as covering the couch with a blanket to shield be from the offending allergens and not having the cats actually in the room, but cats being what they are, one of them eventually made its way into our social gathering.&nbsp; I immediately felt its arrival in my trachea, rather than saw it, and developed severe nasal congestion.&nbsp; Whether the blasted thing sensed my weakness and made a point of exacerbating the situation or not (I suspect it did), the damage was done.&nbsp; The first thing I did when I got home was to strip buck naked (sorry about the mental image there) and throw everything I had been wearing except my glasses into the laundry but I still experienced a moderate nasal drip all night and feel an itch in my lungs even now.<br /><br />The point is, if ever someone hires you to separate me from this mortal coil you will have no need&nbsp;to employ&nbsp;the traditional tricks of the trade.&nbsp; No need to corner me in a dark alley with&nbsp;a gang of thugs on my way home from the tavern, poison my food at a formal banquet so I fall dramatically face-first into my bowl of soup or engage in any other sort of cloak and daggery (unless the cloak is covered in cat fur).&nbsp; Just break into my house, let a horde of common housecats rampage around for an hour or two and the odds are I'll be asphyxiated by morning.<br /><br /><br /><strong>c. April 1, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div><br />I named&nbsp;my character on Dragon Age: Origins&nbsp;"Mr. Roberts" so all the other characters in the game would call me Mr. Roberts like people should do in real life.&nbsp; To my dismay, the maximum name length was too short so I couldn't input a name including any honorifics such as "The Eminent Mr. Roberts" or "Mr. Roberts, OBE"<br /><br /><strong>c. April 5, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br /><div><br />I&nbsp;truly sympathize with people who face a drive&nbsp;home from work exceeding one hour in duration (as&nbsp;opposed to my usual 12 minute commute).&nbsp; It took me 47 minutes just to get from the parking lot of my workplace to the intersection of Ballantyne Commons Parkway and&nbsp;Lancaster Highway, a distance of 1.1 miles<sup>1</sup>.&nbsp; As such, my average speed during that portion of my oddysey was 1.4 miles per hour (mph), which is 35 times the speed of a Giant African Land Snail<sup>2</sup>.<br />An officer of the law was directing traffic at the intersection despite there being no accident and no fallen trees or other large debris in the intersection and the traffic light being fully operational.&nbsp; It was probably for the best through, because people are basically animals who have no regard for things such as the interests of their fellow man or the stability of society during a crisis.&nbsp; I could definitely envision people going all Lord of the Flies and speeding through the intersection at 35 times the speed of a Giant African Land Snail regardless of what color the light was and leaving us poor blighters waiting to turn onto Lancaster stuck indefinitely until the weakest-willed amongst us broke down and resorted to cannibalism.&nbsp; Fortunately it never came to that.<br /><br /><br />The final 2.7 miles of my arduous journey went much more quickly, as I covered the distance without incident in a mere 24 minutes at an average speed of 6.75 mph (or, as I was measuring it, 168.75 Giant African Land Snail Paces Per Hour) but I would probably still be waiting at the entrance to my apartment complex with my turn signal on if some charitable soul hadn't stopped to let me turn in.&nbsp; I don't know how you people who have to deal with that sort of nonsense regularly handle it.<br /><br /><sup>1</sup><a href="http://www.mapquest.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" title="http://www.mapquest.com"><span style="color: #3b5998;">http://www.mapquest.com/</span></a><br /><sup>2</sup><a href="http://www.petsnails.co.uk/faq.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank" title="http://www.petsnails.co.uk/faq.html"><span style="color: #3b5998;">http://www.petsnails.co.uk/faq.html</span></a></div><br /><strong>c. April 6, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />After work today, I went out for breakfast.&nbsp; The restaurant had a sign with, "Don't forget to smile!," written on it amongst drawing of flowers and peace signs.&nbsp; The first three times I looked at the sign, I thought it stated, "Don't forget to <strong>smite</strong>!"&nbsp; I was about to ask my waitress if the establishment's clientele included a large number of paladins and lawful good clerics&nbsp; but realized at the last second that the sign said "smile" and not "smite."&nbsp; Thanks to that timely epiphany, I managed to avoid making a level 20 fool of myself, as opposed to the mere level 17 fool I usually make of myself whenever I speak to strange women.<br /><strong>c. April 28, 2011 Anno Domini</strong><br /><br />At 1:53 a.m. on April 28 ,2011, in the Harris Teeter parking lot, a lady and gentleman, who were both under the influence of alcohol, approached me and requested I settle a minor theological debate.&nbsp; Betwixt the two of them, they were carrying a 12-pack of Corona and nothing else.&nbsp; Before I could offer my opinion on the question they posed, the gentleman told me he liked my tie (the red 8-bit tie from <a href="http://www.thinkgeek.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><span style="color: #3b5998;">http://www.thinkgeek.com/</span></a>, for those who care to know), and the lady told me, "Your tie is so awesome."&nbsp; I thanked them and politely weighed in on their debate, as requested.&nbsp; The lady declared victory and thanked me for unwittingly supporting her position.&nbsp; At this point, I shoud have fled because, although&nbsp;she would have chased me, I could have at least outrun her because she was carrying the beer.&nbsp; Alas, I remained because they seemed polite and the gentleman actually seemed to want to discuss the issue in further depth.<br /><br /><br />Before the gentleman was able to articulate his thoughts, the lady began opening the 12-pack and offered me a drink.&nbsp; I told her I could not accept, as I do not imbibe, but she said she wanted to give me something and since beer was all she had purchased she would just give me money to go into Harris Teeter and buy whatever I wanted.&nbsp; Whilst she sorted through her purse searching for hard currency, the gentleman naively protested that her offer was rude because I was wearing a suit and therefore obviously didn't need money.&nbsp; He said his name was Jonathan and offered a shake of his hand.&nbsp; I, thinking perhaps this reasonable fellow could be of assistance in convincing his daft companion to leave me be, told him my name was also Jonathan and accepted the handshake.<br /><br />In short order, I became the lady's new favourite Jonathan.&nbsp; She told me her name was Brittany and said she wanted to hug me.&nbsp; I forced her to settle for a handshake and told her I have a friend named Brittany but she moved to Ohio and that made me sad.&nbsp; She continued digging through her purse with the hand that wasn't shaking my hand and promised she would never move to Ohio.&nbsp; I asked her, "Do you have anything against Ohio?"&nbsp; She replied, "Yes.&nbsp; It's Ohio."&nbsp; "Grrr.&nbsp; My friend Brittany is from Ohio," I retorted, and she asked what I wanted from Harris Teeter.&nbsp; I told her I didn't really need anything, partially because I'm not enough of a cad to take advantage of a drunk lady like that but also partially because I have an aversion to been seen exchanging cash with strange women in empty parking lots at 2 a.m. and also because I wasn't quick-witted enough to come up with a winning hand in that "what random combination of three items from the grocery store would really freak out the cashier (or the random drunk lady in the parking lot)" game.<br /><br />From the rest of the conversation, I&nbsp;can only deduce that&nbsp;the deleterious effects of alcohol on the language-processing centers of the brain caused&nbsp;Brittany (the drunk lady, not my friend in Ohio)&nbsp;to&nbsp;erroneously believe I said&nbsp;I wanted&nbsp;a "rapacious damsel throwing herself at me" from Harris Teeter.&nbsp; She said she wanted to date me and asked for my business card.&nbsp; I told her I didn't have one.&nbsp; She said she wanted me to be a part of her lift and asked for my telephone number.&nbsp; Jonathan (the drunk gentleman, not me) said, "I'm not dating her.&nbsp; You should give her your number and go for it."&nbsp; She voiced agreement, an awkward silence ensued, and the other Jonathan broke it by telling Brittany I wasn't taking her seriously because she was too excited.&nbsp; Brittany insisted she was serious, and another awkward silence ensured.&nbsp; Jonathan attempted to bring the conversation full-circle (that punk, he should have known that is <em>my</em> fallback conversational technique) and telling me, "My family raised me Catholic, or at least tried to."&nbsp; Brittany told him I was Jewish, and I told her I was&nbsp;actually Catholic&nbsp;but that she shouldn't feel too bad because many people have mistakenly assumed I was Jewish.&nbsp; Finally, Brittany stopped shaking my hand, let go of it, said to me, "You're Catholic?&nbsp; I'm good.&nbsp; Never mind," and flounced away.<br /><br /><br />It is a dog gone good thing I obtained new shoelaces for my black shoes today, because I had been considering adding my red hat and red belt to the red shoes if I had to wear them again today and if I had done that, I probably would have had to chew my own hand off to get away from her.</div></div></div></div></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/voliume-xviii-my-first-derivative-with.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-8902542450628977774Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:37:00 +00002011-04-28T02:37:04.801-07:00VOLUME XVII - My Attempt to Impress the Lovely Ms. Sandiego and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. September 10, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Captain's Log, (exact stardate unknown)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">According to </span><a href="http://www.google.com/instant"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">http://www.google.com/instant</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">, Google Instant saves users between two and five seconds per search and would save 11 hours per second if every man, woman and child used it for every web search. Note that Google doesn't claim Google Instant would save 11 <i>man-hours</i> (although this would make sense and is what they want you to think), but 11 <i>actual hours </i>per second. Saving more time per second than actually passes by results in a negative net passage of time, which would lead to a temporal vortex. The temporal vortex caused by a discrepancy on the magnitude of 39,599 seconds per second would destroy the Earth, and seeing as how we are still here the only logical conclusion is that the Googleuminati created Google Instant so they could harness this excess time somehow and have managed to succeed. That leads to the question of what the Googleuminati intend to do with all that time on their hands. I suspect they are using the time they accrue (which amounts to almost one full year for every month the rest of us experience) to conduct advanced research in death ray technology. Before we know it, they will mount the Google Instant Actualizing Nicola Tesla (GIANT) Death Ray on the clandestine lunar base they secretly built in 2007 A.D. with the help of their reptilian overlords from Alpha Draconis, aim it at Terra and start making unreasonable and unseemly demands.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Fortunately, there is one way we can fight the Googleuminati's latest conspiracy: waste all the time they are saving before they can harness it. Open up your web browser, go to the Google home page and procrastinate. Procrastinate. PROCRASTINATE!!!! The two to five seconds you waste could be the two to five seconds that save us from the GIANT Death Ray. It's your moral duty.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. September 11, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Awesome Things Mega Man Can Do But You Can't</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">1. Save the world by using his mega blaster to foil Dr. Wily's fiendish plans for world domination</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">2. Wear a "welcome to the gun show" shirt without looking like a douche</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. September 14, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">I ate lunch at Subway today, and some mindless song was on the radio. About halfway through my meal, the radio abruptly cut out for seven seconds. I immediately scrunched up my shoulders, clenched my jaw and crinkled my brow. Within two seconds I was thinking, "Where is the infernal electronic simulation of a banshee's keening wail," because everyone knows a radio abruptly cutting out is a harbinger of doom. First, a cacophonous screeeeeeeeeech assaults the senses (yes, all five of them somehow), and then an announcer informs the populace of an impending tornado, flash flood or Communist nuclear strike, or announces that the next song will be (name withheld)'s* latest single. As it turned out, the Emergency Broadcast system wasn't warning anyone to hide the women and children or even conducting a test. Subway's speakers were just on the fritz. Five seconds into the silence, I became intellectually aware of this fact but I still braced myself aurally on the next four or five occurences. Just as I began to ignore the silences, Kool and the Gang came on and I started taking notice again, but only because Kool and the Gang deserves better than to be interrupted several times by faulty audio equipment.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. September 17, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Obi-Wan Kenobi:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> These are not the droids you are looking for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Stormtrooper 1:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> These are not the droids I am looking for, but I still need to inspect their passports and document their serial numbers on a Droid Visa Request Form. They're not carrying any liquids, are they?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Obi-Wan: </span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">But they are not the droids you are looking for!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST1:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Of course they are not, but I still need to complete the paperwork. It's protocol.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Stormtrooper 2: </span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Lord Vader is a real stickler about paperwork, see.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST1:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> We have to fill out a Droid Visa Request Form for each droid entering the spaceport and submit it in triplicate to the...</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Obi-Wan:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Blast the form! Can't you just let me through and make up any old serial number later? These are obviously not the droids you are looking for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST1:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Not on my life, sir!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST2: </span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">We would still need to get the signatures of the droids, which are not the droids we are looking for, on the Droid Visa Request Forms.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Obi-Wan:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Can't you just let me through, make up fake serial numbers later and FORGE THEIR SIGNATURES?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST2: </span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">What kind of scum do you think we are? Forging an official Imperial document is a very serious crime.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST1:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> I daresay it would be even more heinous than not documenting the serial numbers of the droids we are not looking for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST2:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> I'm afraid I have to arrest you now for suggesting it, but I'll let your friend there keep your droids because they are not the droids we are looking for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Obi-Wan: </span></b><i><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">*condescendingly over-enunciating* </span></i><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Now just wait a minute. We all know these are not the droids you are looking for and I'm in a terrible rush to get off this wretched planet before anyone realizes that I'm the Jedi master who trained Anakin Skywalker so I can rescue a major figure in the leadership of the Rebel Alliance from the evil clutches of Darth Vader on the Death Star. Why don't I just slip you a few credits and be on my way without wasting any time on your stinking paperwork?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST2:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Attempting to bribe a representative of the Empire? Well, I never!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Luke Skywalker:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Look over there! I think I see the droids you are looking for!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">ST1 &amp; ST2:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <i>*turn their backs on Obi-Wan, et. al. to peer off in the direction indicated by Luke*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Luke: </span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Quick, Ben! Before they figure out my ruse.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Obi-Wan:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> About freaking time, young Skywalker.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Luke:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Good luck finding those droids you are looking for, suckers!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. September 22, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">I almost died today driving into Waxhaw. While I was stopped at the red light at the railroad tracks on NC-16 South, a truck crossed the tracks in the opposite lane towing a trailer with two massive, rolled up bales of hay and one bale fell out. This was no ordinary bale of hay. It was twelve (12) feet tall and about the size of my car. If it had hit a bump in the road and bounced the wrong way, I would no longer be amongst the living and I would have been furious because I just paid the car off last week. Fortunately, it just bounced along the road a bit without crossing the center line and came to a rest right on the tracks. Some good samaritan cyclist, who could have easily swerved around the mother of all hay bales without a second glance stopped and moved it out of the way before a train came along and obliterated it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. September 27, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Because my job is highly sedentary, I make an effort to use the stairs whenever possible to at least get a little exercise. The building in which I work is only three stories high so even if I use the stairs and the beginning and end of my shift and on my lunch break it's still merely eight stories of stairs in all but every bit counts. The temptation to use the elevator is usually not significant, but lately I find myself giving in because they started playing a lot of Miles Davis and John Coltrane in there. Most of it is from Kind of Blue or Giant Steps, both of whic h I obviously own and could listen to in their entirety any time I wanted at home but I still end up in the elevator, drawn by the siren song of 15-20 second snippets of So What.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. October 5, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">I had some errands to take care of today before I move, and my mother asked me to pick up some green beans for her whilst I was out, so I picked up some green beans from Harris Teeter. She didn't specifically ask me to pay for them, so I didn't. Actually, I shouldn't blame that on my mother. She raised me better than to be a shoplifter. What really happened was that I went into Harris Teeter absentmindedly medidating on how I am going to keep my fantasy football team, Domingo Gigante, undefeated with LeSean McCoy out and Shonn Greene being Shonn Greene next week. Thusly, I was running the green bean mission on mental autopilot all the way up until I had the beans on the passenger seat of my car (with no receipt) and the key in the ignition. At no point in the interim did any Harris Teeter employee interrupt my reverie and ask why the bloody blazes I was walking out the door brazenly holding a package of green beans and making no effort at stealth or concealment. Once I became consciously aware of my misdeed, morality dictated I make reparations so I snuck the green beans back into the store with as much stealth as a fellow wearing a conspicuously bright red dress shirt and hoping desperately not to be noticed could muster and went through the checkout. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Upon further reflection, it would have been a lot easier to leave the green beans in the car, pay for an identical package at the self-scan checkout and conveniently "forget" to take them with me... but that would have been really awkward if a helpful Harris Teeter employee noticed my forgetfulness and helpfully told me I was leaving my paid-for purchase behind.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. October 20, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Eight Year Old Girl:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Everything in there is blue. No offense but... ... ... I'm a girl.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Me:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Yeah?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Eight Year Old Girl:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> You could put some girly stuff in there</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Me:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Why would I do that? There aren't any girls living here</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Eight Year Old Girl:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> You could get a wife, you know</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Later, in the fitness center, I ran into an older couple I had met there last night. Another guy was lifting weights, and while I was on the treadmill the lady of the couple said to me, in a scandalized tone of voice, "Ese hombre tiene cinco mujeres." I replied, "Y yo no tengo ni una," and for some reason she thought that was FREAKING hilarious.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. November 3, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Dear Those Who Roll Their Eyes When I Tell Them, "When I Was Your Age...,"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">I checked my mail after work today and found a letter from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) beseeching me to renew my membership. Not that I actually have a membership to renew, but I think it speaks volumes that such an eminent authority on elderliness considers me qualified. Of course, when I was your age their organization was still officially known as the AARC, and the C stood for cavepersons.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Sincerely,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">J.D. Roberts</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. November 18, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Lady:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Has anyone ever told you you're very attractive?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Gentleman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Electromagnetically or gravitationally?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Lady:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Neither. You emanate the strong nuclear force.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Gentleman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> How would you know? I'm not in the habit of allowing women to get close enough to me for that to affect them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Lady:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> You're right. I was just meson* with you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">* pun intended</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. December 11, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Sherman, please set the Wayback Machine to 1200 B.C. The subject of today's lesson is the Trojan War.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Sherman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Sure thing, Mr. Peabody!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> The Greeks besieged the city of Troy because Paris, a Trojan prince, kidnapped Helen of Troy, the King of Sparta's wife.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Sherman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> If Helen was the King of Sparta's wife, why wasn't her name Helen of Sparta?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Quiet, you. We'll be joining the Greeks in the tenth year of the war. Odysseus, the most cunning of the Greeks, is discussing strategy with the King of Sparta.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody and Sherman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <i>*travel to 1200 B.C.*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Odysseus:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> One more attack by the Trojans and we're toast. The men are all too sick to fight.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Meneleus:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Isn't there anything we can do?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Odysseus:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> With this flu outbreak? We're done for. If only the Trojans were sick too... but they're safe in the comfort of their own homes while we're stuck outside their walls.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> If I may, I believe I have an idea that may be of some use. <i>*whisper whisper whisper*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Odysseus:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> So we build a wooden horse, get all the men to cough and sneeze all over it and tell the Trojans it's a gift?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Meneleus:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> And then they get sick too?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Precisely</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Odysseus:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Once the Trojans are sick too, that will level the playing field. We'll win the war and I'll be back home in Ithaca in no time!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Well, Sherman... it's time to go. Say good bye to Odysseus.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Sherman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Good bye, Odysseus!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody and Sherman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <i>*return to the present*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> So you see Sherman, using the Trojan Horse, the Greeks infected the Trojans with the virus and won the Trojan War.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Sherman:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Golly, Mr. Peabody. Your idea really helped the Greeks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mr. Peabody:</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> Of course it did, boy. Haven't you ever read the Ill-iad?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. December 23, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">I purchased a 64 fluid ounce bottle of up&amp;up brand moisturizing hand soap from Target yesterday, and the label on the back states:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Directions: Use up&amp;upTM moisturizing hand soap to wash hands as you would use any liquid hand soap.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Upon reading that, I laughed uproariously. Either someone at Target has a sense of humor nearly as delightful as mine or they are really intent on capturing the growing "People who generally know how to wash their hands but are easily flummoxed by an unfamiliar brand of soap" demographic.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. January 3, 2011 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Sometimes, I like to sit in the cafe at Borders with a cup of tea and a collection of H.P. Lovecraft stories waiting for someone to approach and ask about what I'm reading so I can say, "Some of his stories are <i>cult</i> classics." So far, no one has taken the bait.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xvii-my-attempt-to-impress.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-7225796710313353742Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:33:00 +00002011-09-08T07:09:52.641-07:00VOLUME XVI - A.S.I.S.I.N.E. and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. July 7, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I saw a car on Ballantyne Commons Parkway today with a license plate stating "140CHARS"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Someone is either boasting about how many Pokémen he/she unlocked or really gung-ho about twitter.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Circa July 9, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Acronyms Sure to Induce Neurotic Ire to Nonsensical Extremes</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">The following acronyms and types of acronyms annoy the deuce out of me:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">https (Hyper Text Transfer Protocol Secure):</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> It should be shttp, because "secure hyper text transfer protocol" makes more grammatical sense than "hyper text transfer protocol secure"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">URL (Universal Resource Locator):</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Seeing as how not even the moon, let alone the </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">entire universe, has internet access the "Universal" part strikes me as pretentious. It would be more appropriate to say PRL (Planetary Resource Locator), GRL (Global Resource Locator) or TRL (Terran Resource Locator). Actually, it should be IRL (Internet Resource Locator) because it only locates resources on the internet. You can't type "oil" or "potable water" into the address bar of your browser and expect it to locate oil or potable water for you IRL (In Real Life).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">DVD (Definition Non-Existant):</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Someone needs to pick something for the bloody V to stand for already, even if it is something patently absurd such as "Digital Vorpal Disc" or "Digital Vuvuzela Disc." Until that day, it may as well be a "Digital Vexation Disc" as far as I'm concerned.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">SR.D (Spectral Recording - Digital):</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Acronyms should not contain punctuation but if they must it should at least be the sort of punctuation that would be proper if you wrote it out in the unabbreviated form. No one in his or her right mind would ever write out, "The spectral recording.digital soundtrack is encoded between the sprocket holes," instead of, "The spectral recording - digital soundtrack is encoded between the sprocket holes." Then again, all my fact-checking suggests the Dolby Corporation actually uses SRD or SR-D so maybe it is only Regal Entertainment Group (REG) that abbreviates it as SR.D because REG is stupid. I wouldn't be surprised.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">REG (Regal Entertainment Group):</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Technically, nothing about this acronym itself offends me but I despise everything it stands for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">AIM (AOL Instant Messenger):</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> This one is archaic and no one uses it these days but it should have been AOLIM because acronyms should not include single letters representing other acronyms. From there it is a slippery slope to entire meta-acronyms and eventually words would cease to exist as everyone communicates using only letters without even knowing what any of the letters actually meant.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Two-letter acronyms:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> If you have to abbreviate anything that was only two words long to begin with that is just lazy and exceedingly poor form.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">One-letter acronyms:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Same as above, but moreso.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Acronyms used primarily in text messaging or on twitter:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Anything I could possibly say about this should, and will, go without saying.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Acronyms that spell words:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Exactly 97.25% of such acronyms are created by people who start with the word they want to end up with and think they are being clever by creating a painfully awkward acrostic to fit it. Exceptions to this rule can be granted when the acronym is question is meant in jest, such as Carmen Sandiego's V.I.L.E. (Villains' International League of Evil) or SPEW (Society for the Protection of Elfish/EricLeeForsyth's Welfare), but attempting such a thing with a straight face or with a tongue planted anywhere other than firmly in cheek is not advised for those wishing to remain in my good graces. For another example of an exception to this rule (for those of you who haven't already figured it out) see the title of this blog entry.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. July 12, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I recently decided to begin wearing a suit, or at least a sport coat and tie, to work on a daily basis. This resolution may have had something to do with the fact that I'm 29 years old, and it is about time I stopped going to work with untucked polo shirts or dress shirts with the top button undone and no belt like a 15 year old punk kid on his way home from a confirmation/homecoming/NHS banquet thinking "I can't wait to tear this darned grown-up clothes off as soon as I get home" all the way back in the car. This necessitated a trip to the mall to purchase a few dress shirts. Shopping for dress shirts is sort of an alien concept to me because I normally practice the time-honored masculine tradition of relying on my mother to give me lots of dress shirts every year for my birthday and Christmas, so I didn't know my shirt size. Needless to say, I failed to take note of this gap in my knowledge until I was standing in the store, looking back and forth between two different shirts and trying to guess which accommodate my neck and which would asphyxiate me. Luckily, I had gone to the mall straight from work and was wearing a perfectly-fitting dress shirt gifted to me by my mother, who should no doubt be canonized one day as the patron saint of mothers whose sons are hopeless when it comes to shopping for their own clothing. My brilliant plan for dealing with this unfortunate situation was to loosen my tie, undo the top button of my shirt and repeatedly crane my neck in one direction while twisting the collar in the other direction and attempting to read the numbers on the tag. If my goal had been to make myself look like in idiot in front of lots of people in a department store my plan would have been a rousing success but as things stood it was... not a success. Someone should have been there with a camera to take a picture of my awkward contortions, superimpose the words "EPIC FAIL" on it and post it on Facebook, but no. Moments like that happen frequently enough that I should at least look into the possibility of getting a photographer to follow me around just to capture them.&nbsp; Teetering as I was, on the cusp of a crisis, I very nearly took the drastic step of asking a woman passing by, "Pardon me, m'lady, but could you please help me to determine my measurements?," but I then noticed a partially concealed mirrored column. Using the mirror, I was able to read the tag and learn my shirt size with a minimum of additional contortion. The lower half of the mirrored column was concealed behind shelves and merchandise and such, so it is probably a good thing that I did already know my trouser size.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. July 17, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Earlier today, Facebook suggested I befriend three dozen individuals, all of whom are ladies. The explanation offered for why I should befriend every single one of them was, "(name withheld) is a mutual friend." (Name withheld)'s status as an upper-echelon ladies' man came to me as no surprise. I have known as much for several years. What I could not fathom was why Facebook suddenly considered it necessary to try to introduce me to three dozen ladies based on only our mutual acquaintance with (name withheld). Either the algorithm Facebook uses to make random friend suggestions is actually not very random, all my friends other than (name withheld) don't have any other friends or Facebook is in league with certain elements of society I refer to as "Those Who Think I Should Get Out More and Meet a Woman or Two." If the latter is the case, I'm sure all three dozen ladies received suggestions from Facebook to befriend me with explanations such as "(name withheld) is a mutual friend and your biological clock is ticking," "(name withheld) is a mutual friend and I know this guy's profile picture looks bad but I swear it was just taken from an unflattering angle," and "(name withheld is a mutual friend and okay <i>all</i> this guy's pictures are awful but he has a really nice personality." Of course, I summarily x'ed every last one of them out without bothering to check out their profiles. That's how I deal with most people I meet in real life too. Even dark-haired ladies who introduce themselves by saying, "Hey baby, (name withheld) is a mutual friend and I have a passion for calculus, traditional orthography and long, moonlit walks on the beach.'</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. July 22, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">from:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> (name withheld)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">to:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> jdroberts@gmail.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">date:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 5:48 PM</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">subject:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Aaron</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Hi!My name is (name withheld) and I might have someone that may be interested in moving in with Aaron. Please give me a call so we can set up a mutually agreeable time for them,and us, to meet.Thank you,(name withheld)ACE Agency for Community Empowerment(555) 555-5555</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I could have replied to this by saying I know two gentlemen named Aaron and neither of them are interested in anyone moving in with them, but I did not.</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">from:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> (name withheld)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">to:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> jdroberts@gmail.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">date:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Thu, Jul 15, 2010 at 7:59 PM</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">subject:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Love you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Hi, Honey---I had a flood in my house---better than a fire but no fun---and was forced to go through everything I own. I came across a box filled with letters from you and Jake. I spent an hour sitting there crying and remembering when you were younger. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and always will even when I'm a gaga old lady and you're a middle aged man.Hope you're having a good summer----Much love, (name withheld)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I replied to tell (name withheld) that I could not be the J.D. Roberts she was looking for because I'm already a middle-aged man. She didn't e-mail me back.</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">from:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> noreply@qualitysmith.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">to:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> jdroberts@gmail.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">date:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 4:01 PM</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">subject:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Your QualitySmith Request in Covina</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dear Jonathon,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Thank you for your estimate request. We appreciate the opportunity to help you find a top-quality contractor for your project.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">YOU SUBMITTEDJonathon RobertsCovina, California 91722(555) 555-5555jdroberts@gmail.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">QualitySmith is here to offer you the convenience of evaluating three trusted contractors, without the inconvenience of having to contact, schedule and pre-screen each one individually.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you have not downloaded your FREE copy of our 9 Tips to Hiring a Contractor, you can do so here.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Thanks for choosing QualitySmith.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Best Regards,The QualitySmith Customer Service Team</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">from:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> ServiceMagic Service Request customerservice@mp.servicemagic.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">reply-to:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> ServiceMagic Service Request conscustomerservice@servicemagic.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">to:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> jdroberts@gmail.com</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">date:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 4:01 PM</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">subject:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Thanks for Submitting a Install a Central Air Conditioning System Request!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dear Jonathon,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">QualityShare has contacted ServiceMagic in order to connect you with up to 3 additional Central A/C Contractors. Please see your matching 10 point screened pros below. Learn about ServiceMagic's 10-Point Contractor Screening.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">To access your account, login to </span><a href="http://www.servicemagic.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">www.servicemagic.com</span></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> using the username and password below.Username: jdroberts@gmail.comPassword: (password withheld)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Next Step: Connect to Your Pros Your matched pros are below. We recommend calling them immediately to request an estimate.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Southwest HVAC, Inc. (562) 896-9442Sears Heating and Cooling - Los Angeles South (866) 747-7381</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Remember, all ServiceMagic Professionals are Screened &amp; Approved.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">By using ServiceMagic's services, you agree to the ServiceMagic Terms &amp; Conditions</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Sign up for Premium Membership and enjoy benefits like accessto a DIY Hotline and Increased Limited Service Guarantee!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Regards,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Customer Service TeamServiceMagic, Inc.Toll-free 1-800-266-8722</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I somehow resisted the temptation to reset the intended recipient's password to "iamamoronwhospamsotherpeoplesemailbynotknowingmyownemailaddress" Also, I imagine he sent ServiceMagic, Inc. a billion complaints about how they never got back to him about that A/C installation thing.</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. July 26, 2010</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I went to the Best Buy at Blakeney today and my cashier was a former subordinate of mine from Regal Entertainment Group. I didn't recognize her at first, but she asked if I recognized her and I guessed correctly that she was from Regal. Since I have never been a very memorable character, I told her I found it very surprising that anyone I last worked with circa 2004 Anno Domini would remember me at all. She explained that she only remembered me because I was the guy with the Powerpuff Girls backpack.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I used to carry various and sundry items, including my work uniform to the theater in a Powerpuff Girls backpack when I was unlicensed and used to walk or ride my bike to work every day. I had to regrettably decommision it because one day I brought a bottle of pineapple habañero hot sauce to work to put on my lunch, set the backpack down too hard and shattered the bottle. Pineapple habañero hot sauce got all over the inside of the backpack (and my work uniform) and gave the interior a fresh, pineappley, habañeroesque scent. Upon returning home from work, I opened the backpack up and left it outside to aerate but a torrential downpour occurred and I gave up on it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">The wretchedly impudent girl didn't even address me as Mr. Roberts, as I prefer for all former Regal employees I encounter in life after Regal to do. Luckily for her, I had other errands to get to and I didn't have a Regal Employee Counseling Form in my pocket else I would have written her up.&nbsp; </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. July 29, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">The FedEx drop box outside the building in which I work bears a label stating, "PULL DOWN HERE TO DELIVER PACKAGE." The instructions on its far more demure UPS counterpart merely state, "Come up and see me sometime."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. August 10, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I Want to Work Enough Overtime to Accumulate Enough Wealth to Buy Facebook. When I own Facebook I will change the relationship status in people's profiles from multiple choice, e.g. single, engaged, married, to an open-ended field with no character limit. Then instead of merely clicking the radio button for "single" people will be able to change their relationship status to something far more informative, i.e. "Single and not amenable to people trying to change that. Anyone who objects to that can bugger off, and anyone who actually expresses such an objection to me can bugger off twice." That would be significantly less ambiguous than "It's complicated."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. August 17, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lando Calrissian:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Thanks for agreeing to be my wingman tonight, Ack. I didn't have time for much of a social life while I was running the colony in Bespin.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Admiral Ackbar:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> No problem, Lando.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lando:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> I'm feeling lucky... that fourth moon is looking awfully romantic tonight.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ackbar:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> That's no moon. That's a space station.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lando:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Whatever, Ack. That H'nemthe lady over there has been gazing seductively at me all night. You distract her Jawa friend while I put on the moves.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ackbar:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> That one's trouble, bro. H'nemthe females eviscerate their partners with their razor-sharp, knife-shaped tongues during the act of mating.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lando:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Shut up, Ack. You're just jealous because that squidface mask you're rockin' isn't working with the ladies. Oh wait, that's no mask. That's your face! BURRRRRRRN!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ackbar:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <i>*rolls squidface eyes at Lando*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lando:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Either you're with me or your not, but I'm going in.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ackbar:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <i>*dives and tackles Lando while yelling in slow motion*</i> IT'S A TRAAAAAAAAAAP!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">1I did not make this up for the sake of convenience. For further information about the wiles of H'nemthe females read the short story "Nightlily" from the book Tales From the Mos Eisley Cantina or look them up on the Wookiepedia at </span><a href="http://www.starwars.wikia.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">http://www.starwars.wikia.com/</span></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. August 24, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Normally I dress a bit more formally for work than company policy requires, i.e. a suit or sport coat and tie, but tonight I eschewed the jacket and I felt stark naked. It made no sense. I was fully clothed lounging in shorts and a t-shirt or even going to work in jeans on Saturdays an Sundays when things are more relaxed. It wasn't even as if I were violating any established corporate cultural norms... I normally don't notice anyone else wearing a jacket and if anyone else was even wearing a tie tonight it escaped my notice. At one point, I actually had to look down and visually confirm that I was wearing pants. That should not have been necessary because I knew beyond any doubt that my keys and wallet were in my pockets and I am not a marsupial, Q. E. D. I was wearing pants. It must take a cooler head than mine to follow such logical chains of reasoning while the coverage of one's loins is less than certain. Or maybe I'm just a freak.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. August 30, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Firmus Piett:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Lord Vader, do you think we should make any modifications to the standard equipment before we invade the Rebel base?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Darth Vader:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Do not bother me with such trivialities. Imperial officers should be able to competently handle such trifling logistical matters as this without my personal attention.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Firmus Piett:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Yes, Lord Vader. I was only deferring to your vast wealth of knowledge and beseeching you to advise your humble servant with the wisdom of a Sith lord.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Death Star Trooper:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <i>*snicker*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Darth Vader:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Line the standard stormtrooper suits with bantha fur to retain warmth and trouble me no more, officer.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Firmus Piett:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> What ever do we need the suits to retain warmth for? Pray tell, your eminence.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Darth Vader: </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Hoth is a very cold planet.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Firmus Piett:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> It doesn't, perchance, rain a lot there, does it?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Death Star Trooper:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <i>*snicker*</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Darth Vader:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Hoth receives an average of 23 inches of precipitation per day but, due to the temperature, this precipitation falls in the form of intricately-branched, hexagonal crystals.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Firmus Priett:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Intimately-bleached what? I'm only an incompetent Imperial officer, Lord Vader. I don't understand your big Sithy words.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Darth Vader: </span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Snow, you fool! Snoooooooooooooooooooooooow!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Death Star Trooper: </span></b><i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">*snickersnickersnicker*</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Good one, Firmus... maybe even better than that time you made him explain what the tractor beam was used for.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Firmus Priett:</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Thank you, my good man. Maybe next time I'll insist to him that the golden droid's name is C3P1.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xvi-asisine-and-other-tales.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-7442254811942642798Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:31:00 +00002011-04-28T02:31:28.403-07:00VOLUME XV - Kooky Debit Card Hijinks and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. May 12, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><br />Two days ago I received a powerpoint presentation regarding a small southern municipality's plans to provide wireless internet access to its residents in an e-mail intended for a different J. D. Roberts. Normally I ignore e-mails from people who send things to the wrong address but this one looked like someone might need it for work so as a courtesy I informed the parties involved of the error. The J. D. Roberts who the e-mail was supposed to go to jokingly replied, "Hey Jonathan, so you're that bastard that got to jdroberts@gmail.com before I did," and made a less joking offer to purchase jdroberts@gmail.com from me if I were interested in selling. I considered telling him the tale the coincidence of being in the right place at the right time and the non-coincidence of being in the right place and being awesome that made me the b-st-rd who beat him to it, but I ultimately decided he might not be able to handle so much vexation. Nevertheless, the tale of how I got my e-mail address is one for the ages so, without further adieu, here it is: <br /><br />Back when Gmail was new, you couldn't just sign up for a Gmail account. You had to first get a "Gmail Invite" from a current Gmail user and users only got "Gmail Invites" to send out approximately once per turn of the Mayan calendar. Combined with the fact that Gmail was the only free e-mail to offer A WHOLE FREAKING GIGABYTE of storage at the time, this led to anyone who was known to have a "Gmail Invite" to be bombarded with messages such as "OMG joo h4v3 4 6M41L 1N\/173? joo R 1337 h4xx0r! c4n 1 h45 6M41L?"* As it were, I was in the habit of perusing the message board at weezer.com back then and some girl on there posted something like, "I have a gmail invite. Send me a message about why I should give it to you and I'll give it to whoever deserves it most." Seeing as the address I was using at the time, jdr5@duke.edu, was about to be repossessed, I sent her the following message, verbatim: <br /><br />To: (name withheld) <br />From: Dread Pirate Roberts** <br />Subject: Why you should give me your gmail invite <br /><br />Because I'm a bloody pirate. <br /><br />Obviously, that was the best reason to give someone a "Gmail Invite" ever so she chose me out of the hundreds of applicants. She didn't publicize all the supplications that were inferior to mine, but I assume the rest of them were stupid things like, "Because I'm a bloody ninja," or "Because I'm bloody Rivers Cuomo but don't tell anyone because I don't want people bothering me on here." Anyway, because I got into Gmail so early before it was open to the general population, I was able to stake my claim to the simple, elegant cachet of jdroberts@gmail.com before any of my numerous brethren who share my initials and last name instead of getting stuck with something asinine such as xjdroberts69x@gmail.com and the rest, as they say, was history. <br /><br />*These pleas were not superimposed over pictures of cats because the internet was not as sophisticated a place back then as it was in later years such as, for example, 2006 Anno Domini. <br /><br />**Yes, my name on the Weezer message board was Dread Pirate Roberts and I'm proud of it. I could have had dreadpirateroberts@gmail.com but I wanted something professional I could use to apply for jobs and since "Gmail Invites" were so rare you had to get it right on the first try. <br /><br /><b>c. May 19, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />67 Pa. Code 443 provision 7 prohibits "discharging or shooting of firearms or bows and arrows," in rest areas but does not appear to prohibit the discharging of trebuchets as long as said trebuchets are not used for, "hunting or fishing," (also provision 7), "defacing or damaging buildings or other facilities," (provision 3), "depositing or disposing of refuse or waste," (provision 5), "picking, breaking, damaging or abuse of plants or vegetation or parts thereof," (provision 10) or "sale of a product or conduct of other commercial activity, except in emergencies," (provision 12). While the use of trebuchets as a shipping method to facilitate commerce intrigues me, I can't image what sort of "emergency" would necessitate the sale of a product or other commercial activity. Perhaps a worldwide economic recession? I can see the headlines now... "Economy Dragged Out of Epic Recession by Unexpected Surge in Commercial Activity at Penn. Rest Areas!" Somehow, I don't think that was ever part of President Obama's plans for his stimulus package, but maybe it should have been. <br /><br /><b>c. May 23, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />In honor of Pac-Man's 30th Anniversary (which Pac-Man will never hear the end of from Ms. Pac-Man and her big mouth if he forgot), here is the <b>Pac-Man Diet:</b> Eat nothing but pills, ghosts and occasionally fruit. When you're not eating the ghosts, let them chase you around. It's good exercise. When you are eating the ghosts, they have no caloric content because they are ethereal. Ingesting a ghost is kind of like ingesting a tapeworm except instead of commandeering everything that comes down your esophagus and making you eat twice as much it makes you projectile vomit ungodly amounts of pea soup. In the supernaturally-aided weight loss community this phenomenon is known as "phantasmagorical bulimia." <br /><br /><b>The Super Mario Bros. Diet:</b> Eat a mushroom. It will make you grow to double your original size. Actually, some people may consider this an undesirable outcome. Forget I mentioned it. <br /><br /><b>The Gauntlet/Duke Nukem/Too Many Games to List Here Diet:</b> I'm not sure this will actually result in significant weight loss, but it is my personal favourite. Eat as much as possible. What kind of food you eat doesn't matter as long as you KEEP EATING! The more you eat the better your health gets. <br /><br /><b>The Morrowind Diet:</b> There isn't much to eat in Morrowind except rat meat, hound meat and a variety of disgusting plants. Surround yourself with unpalatable foods like that and you'll lose weight very quickly. Then again, I recently ingested five 10-pound pieces of raw ebony (valued at 200 septim each) on Morrowind by accidentally pressing the wrong button while trying to stow it away in a chest of drawers and got a message which stated, "Raw ebony has no effect on you." I don't quite know what to make of that, but any game which allows you to swallow 50 pounds of wood (regardless of what effect it has) can't have a very scientific metabolism simulation engine. <br /><br /><b>The World of Warcraft (WoW) Diet:</b> This consists of sitting in front of your computer playing WoW for days at a time and forgetting to eat until you wither away into near-nothingness. If I were more artistically inclined I would include a color-coded graph of character level vs. time and real-life weight (in pounds) vs. time superimposed over each other based on what WoW race the player was the size of in real-life, e.g. if you start out as a tauren-sized human in real-life you would probably max out your level and still have a long time to go before your level vs. time curve intersected with your weight vs. time curve but if you started out as a gnome-sized human the curves would probably intersect half an hour after you completed the character generation process. <br /><br /><b>c. May 23, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Iron Chef: Morrowind Update <br />Further consumption of non-edible items yielded the following results: <br /><br />Scrap metal (10 pounds) had no effect on you <br />Crab meat (0.1 pounds) had no effect on you <br /><br /><b>c. May 29, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />I once wrote a short story about Gary Coleman, entitled "A Short Story About Gary Coleman (No Pun Intended)" merely as an excuse to use that title. It was as follows: <br /><br />A Short Story About Gary Coleman (No Pun Intended) <br />by Jonathan Roberts <br /><br />Once upon a time, I wrote and recorded an album of songs about Gary Coleman. Not long thereafter, Mr. Coleman called me and said I was a punk for using his image on the album cover without his consent. I told him he should thank his lucky star for anyone using his image because he hadn't done anything worthy of tribute in quite some time and I didn't see anyone else singing his praises. He admitted I kind of had a point there. <br /><br />THE END <br /><br /><b>c. June 5, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />I find it extremely difficult to bring myself to kill random non-player characters (NPCs) in video games. Not because I have a generally non-violent personality and have difficulty distinguishing between games and real life, but because I'm paranoid about it coming back to bite me later in the game. I have to play good in Fable because I just know that whatever random townsperson I decapitate will end up being the starting point for a really good side quest or, even worse, somehow figure into the main plot. The more open-ended and non-linear the game is, the worse I am about it. In Morrowind, when the mages' guild sends me to "take care of" someone who is a member of the thieves' guild I look for ways to complete the quest without actually killing the target because you never know what will get you kicked out of the thieves' guild or even start a guild war, and then how am I going to infiltrate House Hlaalu and prevent the Commona Tong from enslaving all the Khajits and Argonians? Aaaaaaah! <br /><br />It all started with a game called Ultima Underworld. Ultima Underworld was one of the first role-playing games (RPGs) that allowed you to attack, and kill, any NPC in the game. There was a bandit named Bragit near the starting point of the game who gave you some advice about surviving in the Stygian Abyss and gives you directions to an enclave of bandits who might take you in. He was a friendly enough chap, but the first time I played I decided to stab him to death with the badly worn dagger you start off with in the hopes of looting a merely "worn" dagger or even a badly worn shortsword off of him. From that point, I decided it would be interesting to slay everyone I encountered and become the undisputed heavyweight champion of the game world. I naively massacred every last green goblin, grey goblin, mountain man and lizardman in the first three levels of the abyss. Mind you, this game was released in 1992, before the internet became the glorious thing it is today, so if you needed an item called the Wine of Compassion to beat the game the only way to find out which random floor tile in which random room in which level of the abyss the Wine of Compassion was hidden beneath was to talk to Dr. Owl, and Dr. Owl wouldn't tell you unless you rescued his manservant Murgo, and the only way to free Murgo from his cell was to bribe the lizardman guarding him then you were totally screwed if you had murdered that lizardman because, although he could somehow open the portcullis to Murgo's cell... if you killed him his loot did not include the key to the cell. At that point your options were pretty much limited to the following: <br /><br />1. Systematically click on every floor tile in the entire game <br />2. Save up your allowance for a month, purchase the strategy guide from the Waldenbooks at the mall (if a strategy guide existed) and hope the information you so desperately needed was in there <br />3. Hope you had a brother or friend who played through the game in a less maniacally genocidal manner who could tell you where to find the bloody Wine of Compassion <br />4. Start the game over from the beginning, spare the lizardman, get the Wine of Compassion and then realize you shouldn't have used the recipe for rotworm stew you got from the green goblin chef and eaten the stew because for some reason you could only use the recipe once and you needed the stew to coax something out of a random troll. <br /><br />Don't get me wrong, Ultima Underworld is an amazing game and even now I would highly recommend it but after that experience, you can't really blame me for how I am today. It's enough to make a fellow afraid to stomp a goomba in the original Super Mario Bros. because you never know which goomba is the only one who can give you the Magical Mace of Bowser-Bludgeoning or tell you which castle the princess is actually in so you don't have to rescue that smug ingrate peasant Toad 7,000,000,000 times before you get to her. <br /><br /><b>c. June 9, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Facebook is depressing. I don't know what is worse... that the "Recommended Pages" feature suggests that I should like Lady Gaga, or that apparently six of my friends already do. <br /><br /><b>c. June 24, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Whenever I use my debit card at a merchant with a debit card machine you have to swipe your own card through and it takes longer than normal it gives me a mental image of a group of clerks sitting around a conference table in a Wachovia office debating the relative merits of approving or declining the transaction while the screen on the machine says "authorization pending." It has nothing to do with being concerned that my account has insufficient funds. I could be holding an up to the minute account statement saying I have one billion dollars in one hand and have just finished typing in my PIN with the other and I would still envision something like this: <br /><br /><b>Junior Clerk 1:</b> A Mister Jonathan D Roberts has a pending transaction in the amount of $8.73. Should we approve it or decline? <br /><b>Junior Clerk 2:</b> Well, Mister Roberts appears to have sufficient funds in his account... <br /><b>Junior Clerk 3:</b> But Mister Roberts seems to be having a swell day. Why don't we "misplace" a few decimal points here and there and "mistakenly" decline the transaction? <br /><b>JC1:</b> Pish-posh, don't be a bore. Have some imagination! We've already pulled that caper sixty-eight times today. <br /><b>JC3:</b> We could tell him the fraud department thought it looked suspicious... <br /><b>JC2:</b> Oh, that's a capital idea! Do continue! <br /><b>JC3:</b> We declined the transaction and cancelled your debit card to protect you, Mister Roberts. More than half of all fraudulent transactions occur at Target stores within 0.7 miles of the cardholder's home and involve purchases of less than ten dollars, you know. <br /><b>JC1:</b> It's decided then. Decline it, give 'em the old twenty-two skiddoo... wait.. what the deuce? An electronic mailing from the customer service manager! <i>*prints a hard copy of the "electronic mailing" and tears the strips with the printer sprocket holes off*</i> <br /><b>JC2:</b> Read it! Read it! <br /><b>JC1:</b> <i>*reading in an exaggerated, mock-conceited tone*</i> It has come to my attention that the customer service department received sixty-eight calls today in reference to erroneously declined debit card purchases. This increase in call volume has resulted in an average wait time of one hour and thirty-eight minutes for our callers. As you should know, we strive to keep each and every customer on hold for exactly one hour and thirty-six minutes. I demand you cease your shenanigans at once! <br /><b>JC2:</b> Dash it all! Those nit-witted customer service prigs! <br /><b>JC3:</b> Always ruining our japes! <br /><br /><b>c. June 23, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />I know 10 is a special number in soccer, but if Landon Donovan changed his number to 50 he could call himself LD-50 like Andrei Kirilenko of the Utah Jazz is known as AK-47. It would signify how much of a lethal scorer he is and make him sound like a lot more of a "bad mother (shut your mouth) I'm just talking 'bout Landon Donovan." <br /><br /><b>c. June 24, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />There is an ice cream truck that drives down my street around the time when I get up for work and plays music from Super Mario Bros. 1 and 3. The truck's repertoire includes the song from Toad's House and the background music from when the princess sends you a letter after you defeat one of Bowser's foul spawn in Super Mario Bros. 3 and the classic Super Mario Theme, the underwater theme and the Bowser castle theme from the first Super Mario Bros. I don't know that the target demographic group for ice cream trucks really knows anything about games from the original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES), but I suspect lots of children would be outraged if they ran up to the ice cream truck when it was playing the Bowser theme only to find the driver dressed in a Toad costume telling them, "Sorry kids. Your ice cream is on another truck," or maybe instead of an ice cream truck it is a mushroom truck. That could be an epic disappointment.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xv-kooky-debit-card-hijinks-and.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-5209250954323179432Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:30:00 +00002011-04-28T02:30:50.543-07:00VOLUME XIV - Megaman vs. HRman and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. March 7, 2010 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />DISCLAIMER: My employer(the Organization) is a tenant of the building in which I work, and is not the sole tenant and is certainly not the owner of the building. As such, I do not believe the Organization is responsible for the below possible violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act. <br /><br />The main entrance to the building in which I work consists of a set of double doors. I generally use the handle on the right side door to gain entrance, but there is a button on the left side with the traditional person in a wheelchair handicapped accessible logo which opens the doors. The doors are unlocked during business hours, but after hours a valid identification (ID) badge is required for access. The ID badge sensor is on the right side of the doors. From experience, I know the window of opportunity to open the doors after scanning one's ID badge is fleeting. For an individual in a wheelchair to scan his/her badge on the right side and push the button on the left side before the doors relocked would probably require the individual to align his/her wheelchair parallel to the doorway, scan his/her badge and sprint across the doorway to the button. I don't know how long the door stays open after using the button, but I imagine the hypothetical wheelchair-bound individual would then need to turn around quickly to get through the door or back through it. To increase the challenge rating of this encounter, a column positioned near the badge reader would make getting a wheelchair into position to begin this endeavour a tight squeeze. <br /><br />The only part of my body which doesn't work inhibits my ability to eat massive quantities of Skittles without dying but doesn't have much effect on my ambulation so I'm not really qualified to say how much difficulty the average wheelchair-using overnight shift communication specialist would experience, but I've seen physical challenges on Super Sloppy Double Dare that appeared less daunting. I do feel qualified to say that it would have been a lot easier to put the door-opening button and the badge reader on the same side of the door, but in defense of whoever hatched the half-brained scheme currently in place I realize not everyone has a B.S. in mechanical engineering like me. <br /><br />Of course, if I were wheelchair bound, my preferred method of getting in the building at night would be to attach my ID badge to a modified ID badge clip with an 8' retractable string instead of the standard 2-3' retractable string, attach the clip to the cuff of my shirtsleeve, position myself next to the door opening button, fling my badge at the reader like Gambit from X-Men and push the button.<br /><br /><b>c. March 8, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />This may not make sense to a lot of people because, as I understand it, everyone uses Facebook mobile these days and I'm an old-fashioned geezer who uses an archaic device known as a desktop computer and I have no idea what Facebook looks like on a mobile device. On normal Facebook (or Caveman Facebook for you youngins), there is a "Suggestions" thing in the upper-right corner of the screen in which Facebook suggests you add people as friends, become a fan of things or "re-connect with" your existing Facebook friends. Normally I don't pay much attention to it but recently (as in for the past week and a half) every time I get on Facebook it suggests I "re-connect with" the same person, either by sending him/her a message or posting on his/her wall instead of featuring a different one of my 161 Facebook friends each time. I suspect "re-connecting with" someone that much is known as "stalking" in some circles. I dare say if I sent any one person that many messages or posted on any one person's wall as much as Facebook is suggesting it would end up with a gentleman in a black robe and a white, powdered wig suggesting I leave that person alone for a while. <br /><br />For now, Facebook's obsession with suggesting I stalk a person is just strange, alternating between suggesting a message or post on his/her wall, but every time I log in I half-expect it to try to kick things up a notch and proffer one of the following ways to "re-connect," none of which I would ever actually do:<br /><br />-search through his/her trash<br />-read his/her mail<br />-obtain several photographs of him/her along with several candles and construct a shrine<br />-tap his/her phone line<br />-affix a homing device to his/her car<br />-submit a request for the FBI's file on him/her through the Freedom of Information Act<br />-raid his/her boxer/panty drawer<br />-rent a vacant house across the street from his/her residence and use a telescope to peer through his/her window<br />-hide his/her body in an old, abandoned river where no one will find it<br /><br />On the subject of surveilling neighbors through a bedroom window, why do people in movies always use a telescope? Most of them use are very blatant about it, using a freaking huge telescope that could probably be seen by the naked eye from the room they are watching, leading to their discovery. They never seem to think that a decent pair of binoculars would permit far more discretion and still be adequate for their purposes. Nothing good ever comes out of spying on people through a window with a telescope in movies. Either the subject of the surveillance clutches a towel to his/her chest and draws the blinds (if he/she is disrobing) or gives you an evil look and tries to kill you (if he/she is killing someone or hiding a body).<br /><br />Do not comment to tell me neither or those things happen in American Beauty or so help me, I will put you on limited profile and restricting you from reading my blog from this point forward. That movie traumatized the deuce out of me because of the part in the beginning with Kevin Spacey in the shower. I saw it during my first week as a college freshman, which was also my first week sharing a bathroom (including shower facilities) with a hall full of strangers. Even with sandals, I hating going into the showers for quite some time after that because I was naive and had never imagined the concept of anyone ever having a wank in the shower before I heard Kevin Spacey's voice saying "This is me jacking off in the shower. It's usually the high point of my day." Eww. To make a long story short, I cope by pretending that movie never existed.<br /><br /><b>c. March 10, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Top Ten Reasons the &amp;$%@ Water Main in My Neighborhood Broke and I Can't Get Any #*!@ Running Water<br /><br />10. The neighborhood miscreants who broke into my car and stole my sword cane have moved on to vandalism on a much grander scale <br />9. The baby crocodiles grew up into adult crocodiles and chewed their way out <br />8. The water main didn't actually break. It's all a conspiracy by Charlotte-Mecklenburg Utilities to give them an excuse to shut off our water to conceal an alarming water shortage <br />7. Terrorist activity... the national threat level was yellow, or elevated, on March 8, 2010 when these shenanigans began <br />6. Some idiot let his 10 year-old kid take command at the water traffic control center <br />5. The manufacturer designed it to last one day longer than the warranty and the warranty just expired <br />4. A kid took a bucketfull of those magic capsules that turn into dinosaurs and grow to a bajillion times their original size when immersed in water and flushed them down the toilet <br />3. The Residence Inn across the street from Stonecrest sabotaged it so all my neighbors and I would have to get rooms there in order to take showers and flush the toilet <br />2. It somehow got filled with D2O (heavy water) instead of H2O and couldn't handle the additional weight because Deuterium has one neutron instead of zero like normal Hydrogen and therefore weighs twice as much <br />1. The Mayans were off by two years, and galactic alignment is ripping the Earth apart in 2010, starting with my water main<br /><br /><b>c. March 10, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Top Two Reasons Why David Letterman Is On My &amp;%@ List<br /><br />2. He made the top ten list into a cliche, so if you have anywhere between two and nine decent jokes about the same subject, such as (hypothetically speaking) why your water main broke, and want to present them in the form of a list it makes you look lazy and amateurish. As a result, you have to dilute the quality of your list with weak, groan-inducing tripe filler such as "5. The manufacturer designed it to last one day longer than the warranty and the warranty just expired." There really is no excuse, especially considering Mr. Letterman doesn't even really ever have ten solid items on his lists. I don't watch his show frequently, but I have seen occasions when his viewers and his reputation would have been better served by a top five. <br /><br />1. He masterminded the dastardly plot to break my water main.<br /><br /><b>c. March 12, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br /><b>Airman:</b> Go to your position and pace back and forth. You haven't been meeting your pacing quota lately. <br /><b>Mata-saborou:</b> Whatever you say, boss. <br /><b>Airman:</b> And if some hardcore little blue robot punk with a cannon for an arm comes in here looking for me, tell him I called in sick today and won't be available for a week. <br /><b>Mata-saborou:</b> Ummm, ok boss. <br /><b>Airman:</b> if he insists, you'll have to fight him. He'll most likely kill you, but try to knock at least three bars off his life meter before you die. We all have to sacrifice for the team to succeed. Our world domination is down 12.5 percent since Bubble Man was defeated. *points to a graph of world domination vs. time, indicating a recent 12.5 percent decrease* <br /><b>Mata-saborou:</b> Sure thing, boss. <br /><b>Airman:</b> Meanwhile, I'll be in my office, resting in power-saver mode cowering behind two sets of doors. See to it that no one disturbs me so I don't have to do anything like a boss fight. <br /><b>Mata-saborou:</b> Ummm... ok, boss. But before I go there is one little thing I wanted to talk about. It's really cold out there on the floor and some of us were wondering if we could shut off some of the absurdly large fans that serve no apparent purpose. Not all of them. Just one or two, you know? <br /><b>Airman:</b> No! Me like big useless fans. Now go!<br /><br /><b>Jakob Collins:</b> Hahaha I think you shouldve added that bit that you told me lol or you could always add:<br /><br />Mata-Saborou: *mumbles under breath* You'd think it'd be warmer in here with all the hot air coming out you...<br /><b>Jonathan Roberts:</b> Mata-Saborou: *mumbles under breath* You're so full of **** I'd hate to be here when it hits one of those absurdly large, utterly pointless fans...<br /><b>JC:</b> Brilliant!<br /><b>JR:</b> As are you, sir.<br /><b>Richard Brijalba:</b> LOL! I don't think Mega Man's attire is suitable for the workplace either. I think his attire would fall under the "underwear as outerwear" category.<br /><b>JR:</b> Having a cannon in place of a hand is also a violation of company policy regarding weapons in the workplace. I think severe disciplinary action is in order.<br /><b>RB:</b> He also steals all the other bosses weaponary. Sounds like a theft report should also be filed.<br /><b>RB:</b> In 20XX, Mega Man physically assaulted Air Man and then stole his "Tornado Blast" gun...<br /><b>JC:</b> The Caller reported Mata-sabarou as a possible witness, as he/she overheard Mata-sabarou say, "Who cares about the theft of Air Man's weapon? He was a blowhard anyway." In addition, the Caller heard (first name unknown) Wiley say, "I regretted making Air Man immediately after I set him loose. The only one more asinine than that -ss hat is Bubble Man. They both blow." The Caller declined to provide additional details at this time and said he/she would call back at a later time.<br /><b>RB:</b> The Caller said Mega Man stole Air Man's weapon in order to inflict "massive damage" to Crash Man and because Air Man is a "punk -ss b-tch."<br /><b>JR:</b> Mega Man said he needed to inflict massive damage to Crash Man in self-defense, because Crash Man plans to retaliate against Mega Man for informing management that Crash Man was the anonymous caller who phoned in a bomb threat last week.<br /><b>JR:</b> And don't even get me started on Flash Man's misconduct.<br /><b>JC:</b> Hahahahaha<br /><b>JR:</b> We would like to thank Flash Man and Wood Man for their contributions to Dr. Wily's evil plot to subjugate the world, and wish them the best in their future endeavors. That being said, please do not emulate their conduct. Yes, Hard Man from Mega Man 3, I am talking to you.<br /><b>Rich Gamis:</b> ive enjoyed this surreal conversation more than watching Alice while o 'shrooms.<br /><b>JR:</b> Just don't play Mega Man 3 while on 'shrooms. It's bad enough that we have to put up with Needle Man's habitual substance abuse.<br /><br /><b>c. March 25, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />It's hard to be a mild-mannered (job title withheld) by day / vigilante superhero by night when your work schedule requires you to actually be the mild-mannered (job title withheld) by night. You can't accomplish much vigilantism during a 60-minute meal periiod and even if you did, when would you eat? You can't reverse things and be a mild-mannered (job title withheld) by night / vigilante superhero by day because dispensing vigiliante justice under cover of... daylight... just isn't the same. You can't use an intimidating nocturnal alter-ego like Batman. I suppose you could be Diurnal Batman, which would be really freaky because nothing is quite as creepy as nocturnal creatures going about their business in broad daylight. They're unpredictable. You never know what some outcast from the fringes of nocturnal society is going to do next. Also, even with a shift differential, it's not easy to find a job on the overnight shift that pays well enough to finance an arsenal of high-tech Batmanesque crimefighting gadgetry. Perhaps Wayne Enterprises needs an overnight CEO to attend pointless 2 a.m. board meetings while Bruce is out carousing in his pajamas with Ms. Selina Kyle.<br /><br />If you had enough sick time (for example, 83.02 hours), you could use a bit here and there to be a part-time Batman, or if you lived in a city with a name which could also be a person's name you could tell your employer you had a dependant by that name. Then you could tell your employer, "Hey, Charlotte isn't well. I have to take care of her for a while," and take up to 12 weeks of FMLA leave per year. Of course, FMLA leave is unpaid but that's ok. Ridding the streets of scum is its own reward.<br /><br /><b>c. March 29, 2010</b><br /><br />Apparently Amazon.com reads my blog. Back in December 2009, I wote a note about how absurd it was that a merchant from whom I purchased an item online sent the item out from their facility on December 4 to be delivered to the shipper but it didn't get to the shipper's facility (in the same city as the manufacturer) until December 16. Late last week, I ordered a book from Amazon and the package tracking information is as follows (bolding mine):<br /><br />March 25, 2010 <b>03:19:10</b> PM Lexington KY US Shipment has left seller facility and is in transit<br />March 25, 2010 <b>02:59:00</b> PM Lexington KY US Shipment received by carrier <br />March 25 - 29 Various Cities US Etc.<br />March 29, 2010 04:50:00 AM Charlotte NC US Arrival Scan<br /><br />Of course, now that they have raised the bar I'm wondering why they couldn't go back in time 20 days instead of a mere 20 minutes and 10 seconds. Maybe because I only selected standared (free) shipping. This merits further investigation.<br /><br /><b>c. April 3, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I Had a Lovecraftianly Horrifying Nightmare. A few nights ago, I dreamed that my left front tire exploded on Ballantyne Commons Parkway whilst I was driving to work. As a result, I was unable to arrive at work in a timely manner and had to use unscheduled time off (sick leave). I woke up thinking, "Son of a cr-p! That's my second occurrence of unscheduled time off in one week, after only having one such occurrence in my first two years with the company. I'm b-gg-r-d." It was terrifying. My understanding of company policy is that employees are permitted three occurrences of unscheduled time off per quarter, and the fourth occurrence will result in termination of employment unless the employee provides a physician's documentation of a doggone good excuse. <br /><br />I don't know why I had a nightmare about using sick time. I certainly have not discussed it with management or HR, nor did I thank myself for having the dream or receive a nightmare identification number.<br /><br /><b>c. May 4, 2010 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I played an epic game of Munchkin at Amelie's tonight. Forsyth took a bit of ribbing for being a Bard with a Flaming Spiked Codpiece and a Buckler of Swashing (and possibly something else I can't recall.) I concocted a new house rule stating that we would have waived the usual restrictions and let him use the Catboi Hireling if he got the card, but alas, it was not to be. In his defense, he never got the Spandex Chainmail (worn instead by Jacob), the Singing and Dancing Sword (wielded by me), the Freudian Slippers (discarded by Jacob), the Spiky Top (worn by Julia) or the Giant Hamster Steed (unfortunately not drawn by anyone) and he did defeat us all in the end. <br /><br />I wore my 20-sided die shirt (with the caption "That's how I roll,") and an employee initiated the following conversation as we were exiting the premises: <br /><br />Employee: Dungeons and Dragons... do people get hurt playing that? <br />Me: Usually not, unless you make someone mad and he throws a fistfull of dice at you. <br />Employee: Fistfull of dice, my -ss. I know how you roll... you hack each other's limbs off with massive battle axes and stab each other in the spleen with poison-coated switchblade bastard swords while wearing chain mail loincloths and probably going commando underneath. Don't lie to me, boy.* <br />Me: It's really not a violent game. You just sit around a table rolling dice and talking. <br />Employee: It's a very violent game. <br /><br />Of course, he assumed I know everything there is to know about injury rates amongst D&amp;D players because I was wearing a shirt with a d20 on it. Maybe next time I'll tell him I have no idea what the deuce he's talking about and claim to have a d20 shirt because my friends and I play extreme craps using 20-sided dice (the more numbers there are on the dice the more extreme it is) and that we had an extreme roulette wheel with seven colours that went up to ninety-nine and even made up our own byzantine version of poker played with Magic: the Gathering cards that required a massive rule book full of charts and tables and we called it Shire Hold 'Em. Because, you know, not everyone who rolls with 20-sided dice is a D&amp;D nerd. <br /><br />*He didn't actually verbally say this but I could tell he was thinking it from the way his eyes were shooting <i>daggers +1</i> at me.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xiv-megaman-vs-hrman-and-other.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-3595743056758002378Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:29:00 +00002011-04-28T02:29:08.972-07:00VOLUME XIII - The Cost of Entertainment and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. November 26, 2009 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><br />It sounds like there is someone choking or asphyxiating in the trunk of my car, which is kind of a long story. Bella was Darth Vader for Halloween, and part of her costume was a device with a speaker which plays the sound of Darth Vader breathing whenever the user presses a button. The device ended up in Melanie's car, which got totaled, and Melanie and I emptied a lot of stuff (including the Darth Vader Device) from her car into my trunk. While driving to work tonight, I heard what sounded like someone tied up in my trunk attempting to gulp down one (or several) final breaths prior to expiring. After a bit of contemplation, I realized the contents of my trunk must have been sliding around and frequently pressing the button on the Darth Vader Device. The effect is particularly creepy at a stoplight when something lands in such a manner that it is holding the button down and it sounds like someone really struggling to breathe through a gag. I'm praying to all that is holy that I don't get pulled over because, especially on a foggy evening such as tonight, I can see the officer saying, "Sure its a Darth Vader Device from a Halloween costume in your trunk. Like I haven't heard that one before. Where were you going to dump the body?" <br /><br /><b>c. December 10, 2009 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />On December 9, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell sent Dallas Cowboys lineman Flozell Adams to bed without supper for Adams' illegal hit against Justin Tuck after the whistle at the end of the first half of the Cowboys game against the New York Giants. Goodell, who previously fined Adams a total of $20,000 for kicking Tuck, Osi Umenyiora and the Carolina Panthers Julius Peppers warned future infractions may force him to result to more severe punishments, including grounding Adams, taking away Adams' Nintendo Wii and "putting him over [Goodell's] knee and giving him a whooping." Goodell said, "Obviously we haven't gotten to the point of suspending him yet, but fines aren't getting through to Flozell and we just have to keep trying other methods until the message gets through. You can't go around kicking opposing players and taking cheap shots after the whistle just because they're beating you on every play." Adams told reporters, "It's so unfair. I didn't do anything. That crybaby Tuck is such a tattletale. Everyone is always picking on me." <br /><br />Oft-disciplined Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco advised Adams, "The thing you have to understand is that if Goodell says he's going to do something, he does it. You just have to get with the program and do what he says or decide the punishment is worth it and do what you're going to do. And if he disciplines you, you'll hear it from me first on OCNN." Goodell immediatley fined Ochocinco $50,000 for illegally celebrating the virtues of his new enterprise, the Ocho Cinco News Network. <br /><br /><b>c. December 18, 2009 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />I ordered a Christmas gift for Melanie online and it is shipping from a merchant in Cerritos, California. The following is an actual excerpt from the package tracking. <br /><br />December 4, 2009 12:35:55 AM US Shipment has left seller facility and is in transit <br />December 16, 2009 07:31:00 PM Cerritos CA US Shipment received by carrier <br /><br />I can't imagine any plausible explanation for such a delay unless some employee of the merchant left the merchant's facility with the package, realized he didn't know how to get to the UPS store, went to Wal-Mart to buy a GPS unit to get directions, pulled a Brett Favre agonizing over which unit to purchase, read the user manual cover to cover and drove halfway to Reno before realizing the GPS unit was wack and gave him completely messed up directions. Then he went back to Wal-Mart, waited in line at customer service forever to return it, didn't have the receipt and had to run out to his car to get the receipt and wait in line again. Then, despondent over how much he sucked at delivering packages, he went to a tavern, got himself highly intoxicated, tried to resume the delivery process, totaled his car and suffered injuries resulting in a lengthy hospital visit. After getting out of the hospital, he filed an insurance claim on the vehicle but lost the check from the insurance company and had to request a replacement. He used the replacement check to purchase a ghetto DeLorean with no reverse gear and looked up directions to the UPS store the way we did when I was your age before Mapquest was invented, by using 28.8k dial-up tin can with a string connected to a Rand McNally atlas on the other end. Unfortunately, he accidentally skipped the DeLorean two days forward in time and couldn't go back due to the lack of a reverse gear. Our hero then gave up on the DeLorean, and wandered the Earth until randomly encountering a UPS drop-off box and dropped off the package only to discover he accidentally dropped it in the USPS drop-off box so he had to scrounge around the coin return on a bunch of Coke machines to get change to buy a sticky hand thing from a grocery store toy machine and then spent all day using the sticky hand to get the package back out of the USPS box and put it in the UPS box like he should have in the first place. Even if all that happened, that still leaves about two hours and thirteen seconds unaccounted for and the moral of the story is that I am boycotting Amazon.com until they include Pony Express as a shipping option because when I was your age the freaking Pony Express was always on time. <br /><br /><b>c. December 23, 2009 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Features I Demand On Next Year's Madden <br /><br />1. The option to use performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) in superstar mode to increase your player's ratings, along with a drug test mini-game. If you use PEDs and fail the mini-game you get busted, resulting in penalties such as suspensions, loss of influence and endorsements, negative ego points and a negative effect on your chances of being inducted into the hall of fame upon retirement. <br /><br />2. A kick button, so you can pull off Flozell Adams moves. Obviously, imprudent usage of it would lead to penalties and fines, but it would increase your odds of injuring opposing players and probably wouldn't result in a suspension. <br /><br />3. Belicek-esque cheats in franchise mode, such as filming the opposing team's defensive signals, jamming the opposing team's radio frequency so they can't get their play calls in to the QB, kicking the ball one or two yards up/downfield between plays and hoping the ref doesn't notice, and sending blankets infected with smallpox to upcoming opponents in the weeks leading up to a game. <br /><br />4. Commissioner mode, in which you replace Roger Goodell and view replays of dirty on-field incidents, news reports of off-field violations of the league's conduct policy and players' tweets, then bring some sort of rationality to the NFL's disciplinary code by deciding what actions the league should take in response. <br /><br /><b>c. December 26, 2009 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />At 2:30 a.m., on December 24, Santa Claus was robbed by two armed suspects on the roof of a home in St. Louis, Missouri. Both suspects were 3'6"-4'0" tall and were wearing ski masks. One suspect ordered Santa to toss sacks of presents over the edge of the roof into a Radio Flyer wagon while the other held a gun to Rudolph's head and said, "Do as he says or red-nose here gets it." As a result, millions of children did not receive the anticipated gifts they behaved well all year to earn. A North Pole spokeself released a statement early today indicating Santa will implement new security measures, including training elven security guards to accompany him on future trips. An anonymous source quoted Claus himself as saying, "All future deliveries will be escorted by elven snipers with Red Rider BB Guns, and if anyone tries a stunt like this again we'll put their eye out." Top elven engineers are also working around the clock on modifications to an armored courier vehicle, including replacing the wheels with sleigh runners and attaching a harness for Santa's reindeer. Between jiu-jitsu and submission wrestling classes and sniper training, the elves are working overtime to craft replacements for the stolen gifts and Santa expects to be ready for a make-up delivery in mid-March. Local law enforcement officials have not yet identified or apprehended the perpetrators, but Santa said, "Believe me, they will be on the naughty list for years to come." <br /><br /><b>c. January 1, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Earlier tonight on CNN there was a picture of a football player (wearing the number seven) lowering a shoulder toward a pile of unmarked, nonsequential bills with the title "Tackling the Economy." As anyone who knows anything about football knows, single digit numbers such as seven are reserved for quarterbacks and kickers, neither of whom are renowned for their tackling skills. The obvious implication is that our money is shredding our defense, running untouched out of our wallets and into the end zone of financial ruination while a horrified populace looks on, stockbrokers hurl themselves from the rafters and Chris Berman shouts "AND HE COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY!," and the only thing keeping us from a second Great Depression is a scrawny, 130 pound placekicker who probably hasn't made a tackle in his life, thanks to the financial equivalents of Jim Zorn and Daniel Snyder. I would feel a lot more confident in the security of my financial future if someone at CNN had called Mean Joe Greene to pose for a picture, or at least could have been bothered to find a stock photograph of some guy wearing a number in the fifties. <br /><br /><b>c. January 3, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />I bought a pair of Swiss Army shoes yesterday. They even have the Swiss Army Knife logo, but I'm having the darndest time trying to figure out how to get all the knife blades and other utility implements out. So far I haven't found any of them, and the shoes didn't come with a user's guide. I should have rifled through all the other shoeboxes and ganked a user's guide from another pair, but I suppose I was doing the stereotypical male "I don't need no instructions. Now shut up, woman, and get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich and have me a baby and leave all the manly stuff like activating butt-kicking shoe knives to me" thing. I'm really regretting that now, because the whole appeal of Swiss army shoes (other than the fact that I always have to have red in my shoes and they were the only shoes at Target with any red in them) is activating butt-kicking shoes knives and kickstabbing would-be ninja assassins in back-alleys. Due to the lack of a fully-illustrated instruction manual, I don't even know what random utility implements my shoes have aside from the aforementioned butt-kicking knives, let alone how to activate them. The best I can do is make a list of the utility implements I would include if I were to design Swiss Army shoes myself, so with minimal ado here it is: <br /><br />1. butt-kicking switchblade knives <br />2. a screwdriver <br />3. scissors <br />4. a glucometer <br />5. a towel <br />6. an American Express card <br />7. one hundred dollars in gold <br />8. one hundred dollars in rubles <br />9. one issue prophylactics <br />10. one miniature combination Bible and Russian phrasebook <br />11. a protocol droid <br />12. a pair of loaded dice <br />13. a cyanide pill <br />14. a 1-Up mushroom <br />15. one unit of type O positive plasma <br />16. Elven lembas bread <br />17. rope <br />18. a health potion <br />19. a mana potion <br />20. Felix Felicis <br />21. an invisibility cloak <br />22. Neville Longbottom <br />23. a hippopotamus <br />24. a Republican <br />25. a portable hole <br />26. a <i>Wand of Magic Missiles</i> <br />27. an <i>Apparatus of Qwalish</i> <br />28. a <i>Vorpal Holy Avenger of Throwing +5</i> <br />29. Munchkin <br />30. a phaser set to stun <br />31. a phaser set to kill <br />32. a phaser set to decapitate <br />33. a high-tech glass eye capable of fooling all but the most <br />sophisticated retina scanners <br />34. a USB flash drive containing nuclear launch codes <br />35. a beard trimmer <br />36.all the documentation necessary to establish a false identity, such as a fake passport, social security card, birth certificate, etc. <br />37. one of those disguises with glasses and a fake nose <br />38. a hanglider <br />39. the Necronomicon <br />40. a spare (dry) pair of socks <br />41. the bloody user's guide <br />42. the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything <br /><br /><b>c. January 29, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />A Scholarly Cost Benefit Analysis of Forms of Entertainment Common Amongst 21-35 Year Old Males (With References!) <br /><br /><b>Visiting the Cinema</b> <br /><br />An average adult ticket to the cinema costs $10.00 USD<sup>1</sup> and the average moviegoer spends $3.00 USD at the concession stand<sup>1</sup>. This results in an average cost of $13.00 USD to an individual moviegoer. Two hours is a generous estimate of the average length of a feature film<sup>1</sup>, therefore the average cost of entertainment to a gentleman visiting the cinema is $6.50 USD per hour if he goes stag, $13.00 USD per hour if he is a smooth ladies' man and $72.50 per hour for pimp daddies such as Eric Forsyth. <br /><br /><b>Attending a Professional Sporting Event</b> <br /><br />A ticket to see the Charlotte Bobcats play NBA basketball can be purchased for as little as $10.00 USD<sup>2</sup> and a round-trip ticket on the LYNX Blue Line, which drops passengers off at the front door of Time Warner Cable Arena, is only $3.00 USD<sup>3</sup>. The prices of a large soda and a footlong hot dog are $6.00 USD and $5.00 USD, respectively<sup>4</sup>. The estimated cost for a gentleman to attend a game is $24.00 USD, and if the length of the game is 2.5 hours the cost of entertainment is $9.60 per hour. <br /><br /><b>An Evening at the Pub</b> <br />According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), a typical drinking binge for an American male consists of five drinks consumed over the course of a two-hour period, resulting in a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 0.08 or more<sup>5</sup>. Assuming an average alcohol metabolization rate of 0.015 per hour<sup>6</sup>, a gentleman engaging in such pursuits will return to a state of full sobriety (a BAC of 0.00) 5 hours and 20 minutes after consuming his final drink, for a total elapsed intoxication duration of 7 hours and 20 minutes. If the drinking binge occurs on $2 PBR night, and the gentleman resists the temptation to buy a drink for any resident ladies, he will incur a cost of entertainment of $1.36 per hour. The actual cost of entertainment may be significantly higher depending on the gentleman's drink of choice and desperation for female companionship. That being said, if the gentleman in question looks like Eric Forsyth the cost of entertainment may be negative because hordes of ladies fall over themselves to buy him drinks and proceed to stuff his drawers so full of C-notes that zombie John Dillinger<sup>7</sup> comes back from beyond the grave with a tommy gun and demands he drop his trousers. <br /><br /><b>Blowing $#*! Up</b> <br /><br />The blue book value of a 1985 Honda Civic in fair condition with a manual transmission is $1,185.00 USD<sup>8</sup>, fifty pounds of dynamite could be purchased in New York City for $10.00 USD circa 1903 Anno Domini<sup>9</sup> which is equal to $236.67 in 2008 Anno Domini dollars, and a reasonable estimate for the cost of medical care for a serious burn is $70,000.00<sup>11</sup> so one can expect the total costs associated with blowing the &amp;%@! out of a piece of junk car to be $71421.61 USD. Assuming the duration of the explosion to be two seconds, and disregarding the entertainment value of recovering from a burn injury, the cost of entertainment of blowing up a 1985 Honda Civic (and oneself in the process) is $1,285,590,069.00 per hour. Depending on the laws of your municipality, the actual cost may be higher. <br /><br /><b>Fornicating With Prostitutes</b> <br />The Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada claims to be unable to post prices on their web site due to local statutes, but in New York, the going rate for a high-class prostitute is $4,300.00 USD<sup>12</sup>. For seventy-five percent of all males, coitus fails to exceed two minutes in duration<sup>13</sup>. This results in a cost of entertainment of $129,000.00 USD per hour, which is more expensive than taking ten reputable ladies to the cinema even if you buy them all popcorn, lattes and Raisinettes. <br /><br /><b>Video Games</b> <br />The price of a pre-ordered copy of Final Fantasy XIII for the Playstation 3 is $59.99 USD<sup>14</sup>. A player intent upon experiencing all that Final Fantasy XII has to offer could play through it in 100-150 hours<sup>15</sup>. If Final Fantasy XIII has as much content as Final Fantasy XII (which I believe to be a reasonable assumption), Final Fantasy XIII's cost of entertainment is between $0.40 and $0.59 USD per hour. <br /><br /><b>Conclusion</b> <br /><br />Entertaining oneself by playing video games, particularly the Final Fantasy series, is far more cost-effective than attending professional sporting events, frequenting the pub, the senseless destruction of motor vehicles and picking up hookers. <br /><br /><sup>1</sup> My nightmarish career in the employment of Regal Entertainment Group (REG) <br /><sup>2</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=6c502e4607e2328eb161308e5ec4c375&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nba.com%2Fbobcats%2Ftickets%2Fseating_chart_0607.html"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">NBA.com</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>3</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=561bc9d4e4519e7757d3d47afe1c833a&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.charmeck.org%2Fdepartments%2FCATS%2FLYNX%2FLYNX%2BFares.htm"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">CATS official web site</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>4</sup> These prices are based entirely on my own admittedly imperfect recollections because neither Time Warner Cable Area nor Levy Restaurants posts their concession prices online. They have that in common with REG. <br /><sup>5</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=8890f5ee798d91f2905c15fa21713b9e&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Falcohol%2Fquickstats%2Fbinge_drinking.htm"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">The CDC binge drinking page</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>6</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=6f72f9b3d400e5bcd16814526f5eb26a&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.detroittigersweblog.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fmiguel-cabrera-screwed-up%2F%23more-5399"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Bill Ferrer of the Detroit Tigers Weblog</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>7</sup> I'm sorely disappointed that Google image search doesn't have a picture of this anywhere in the first ten pages of search results. <br /><sup>8</sup> Kelley Blue Book <br /><sup>9</sup> Our source was the </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=c9578f4e237a82383d0d2954b36bc1fb&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fquery.nytimes.com%2Fmem%2Farchive-free%2Fpdf%3Fres%3D940DE7DB1639E433A25752C3A9639C946297D6CF"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">New York Times.</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>10</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=f2cede5c889d08215127d8cdaa89a124&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.westegg.com%2Finflation%2F"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">The Inflation Calculator</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>11</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=fa9a27560d01f81e0ff848476995a178&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.texastriallawyers.com%2Fcost-burn-injury.php"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Baumgartner Law Firm</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>12</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=ad44bb784ed9465c57fe3e9a7cd71ba2&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nydailynews.com%2Fnews%2F2008%2F03%2F11%2F2008-03-11_details_of_how_eliot_spitzer_arranged_a_.html"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">NY Daily News</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>13</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=28e0079167d2e82a2c4d89890998c225&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kinseyinstitute.org%2Fresearch%2Fak-data.html%23coitus"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">The Kinsey Institute</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>14</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=31ccf09919b5fac0c5eb129386596fc3&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bestbuy.com%2Fsite%2FFinal%2BFantasy%2BXIII%2B-%2BPlayStation%2B3%2F7917472.p%3Fid%3D1149208600820%26skuId%3D7917472%26st%3Dfinal+fantasy%26lp%3D1%26cp%3D1"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Best Buy</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><sup>15</sup> </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=361554668055&amp;h=1b8d6132b2ffb55c2bf3974ef4a0b0bb&amp;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwiki.answers.com%2FQ%2FHow_long_does_it_take_to_beat_Final_Fantasy_12"><span style="color: blue; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">WikiAnswers: How long does it take to beat Final Fantasy 12?</span></a><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"> <br /><br /><b>c. February 4, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Ten Awesome Uses of Work ID Badges (and the Attached Clippy Things) Outside the Workplace <br /><br />1. Sneak up behind a ninja and use the retractable string on the clippy thing as a garrote <br />2. File an edge of the ID badge until it is sharp and use it as a shiv <br />3. Use the string as a makeshift tourniquet to stop the bleeding after you sharpen the card for use as a shiv and accidentally slice through your cartoid artery <br />4. Present it to a cashier at the Pro Image Sports at Carolina Place Mall in lieu of a driver's license to prove your identity when making a credit or debit card purchase because there is no way someone could steal your debit card and print out a homemade work ID badge with your name, their picture and a made-up company (I actually did this once) <br />5. Gain access to all sorts of restricted areas by acting confident, showing your badge to anyone who questions you and generally walking around like you own the place and have every God-given right to be there <br />6. Safely rappel down perilous three-foot drops during covert operations by clipping the clippy thing to your belt while a trusted accomplice holds onto the badge <br />7. Amuse yourself by pulling the badge as far out as it will go and watching it snap back <br />8. Impress the opposite sex by telling them you are on a secret mission for Starfleet Command and the employer listed on the card is just a cover story in case the Romulans want to know why you're always skulking around their twin homeworlds of Romulus and Remus. Double points if you explain away the unattractiveness of your photo by saying you disguise yourself as a Cardassian when going undercover. <br />9. Melt it down and re-mold the plastic in the shape of a dwarven battlerager for use as a D&amp;D miniature <br />10. Write a "1" with a circle around it in the upper right corner, the words "Summon B-d-ss Hardcore Facemelting M-th-rf-ck-r" on the left side immediately below your picture and "250/250" in the lower right corner, then surreptitiously slip it into your Magic: the Gathering deck. <br /><br /><b>c. February 23, 2010 Anno Domini</b> <br /><br />Some jerk in a black Ford Mustang GT convertible with a license plate stating "5-PNT-O" cut me off on interstate 485 today as I was returning from a round of disc golf but, unlike Vanilla Ice, he did not have the ragtop down so his hair could blow. He got off at the same exit as I but unfortunately I did not get a chance to pull up next to him at a red light and insist he roll down his window so I could ask him, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice you are rollin' in your five point oh. Why is the ragtop not down so your hair can blow?" I was really hoping to do so. No word on whether or not the girlies were on standby waiting just to say hi or, if so, whether he stopped or just drove by.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xiii-cost-of-entertainment-and.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-5303202262678802600Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:26:00 +00002011-04-28T02:26:49.191-07:00VOLUME XII - Deleted Scenes From Previous Volumes<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. October 17, 2004 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> laser tag is better than female companionship anyway<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> seriously<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> possibly<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> yeah<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> depends on the "companionship"<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> hehehe<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> well i guess if you can get a girl to play laser tag with you that would rule<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> or mario kart, either one<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> hehehe<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> yeah girls never want to do rad stuff like that unless they have ulterior motives<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> yep<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> like they want to talk to you about feelings and stuff :(<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> oo feelings<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> i see<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> yeah<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> that coudl be a problem for a 1337 sumo pirate like yerself<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> or a sir wolfman the zombie slayer knight like me<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> they make you think its all cool because they play mario kart with you and then BAM '"does that dress make princess toadstool look fat? who is prettier, her or me?" and then you're dead<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> its like a red shell to the brain and a lightning bolt at the same time<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> i'm sure you have had your share of experiences with that<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> acutally<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> yes<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> but<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> ive found that the simple answers are the best<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> either<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> idunno<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> yes<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> or no<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> to the fat dress<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> idunno<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> to am i prettier?<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> its always the real girl<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> well i assure you that "shut up i'm trying to shake the &amp;$%# gopher off my kart" is not a good answer<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> always<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> no matter what<br /><b>(name withheld):</b> hehehehehe<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> anyway i'm not so smooth with the ladies<br /><br /><b>c. February 1, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I wore a skeleton mask tonight and tried to scare people with it. At one point, a couple of young maidens came out of an auditorium and saw me and let out shrieks of fear. The conversation was as follows:<br /><br /><b>Young Maidens:</b> Oh sh*t!<br /><b>Me:</b> I'm sorry, I hope I didn't scare you too badly<br /><b>Young Maidens:</b> <i>*scream*</i><br /><b>Me:</b> I'm terribly sorry!<br /><b>Young Maiden #1:</b> We don't like masks<br /><b>Me:</b> <i>*dramatically removes mask, revealing actual face upon which is my most dashing smile*</i> But my real face is even scarier, isn't it?<br /><b>Young Maidens:</b> <i>*shriek &amp; make a mad dash for the ladies' room*</i><br /><br />I think that was their way of agreeing with my last statement.<br /><br /><b>c. February 20, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I was kind of thinking today that it would be cool to walk around projection with a super soaker and take misbehaving patrons out sniper-style from the port glass window as a sort of chastisment.<br /><br /><b>c. October 28, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> vanilla ice has been the cause of 34548433 relationships being ruined since 1993<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> 34538432 of them were his own<br /><b>pineconewench7:</b> hahaha<br /><b>pineconewench7:</b> who was the other one?<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> ummmm<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> ben affleck and jennifer lopez<br /><b>pineconewench7:</b> okay i didn't expect that<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> ben affleck made the mistake of saying vanilla ice was a more credible musical artist than jennifer lopez<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> so she broke up with him<br /><b>pineconewench7:</b> too bad i agree with ben<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> that ben affleck was 100% correct in his statement is not the point<br /><b>pineconewench7:</b> haha<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> its true<br /><b>pineconewench7:</b> haha ice ice baby<br /><b>ObiJuanShinobi1:</b> that is a good song</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xii-deleted-scenes-from-previous.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-3407279344137463158Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:24:00 +00002011-09-08T06:38:29.385-07:00VOLUME XI: The Bittersweet Ballad of My Benevolent Blood Brother and Bestest Bosom Buddy Mr. Salam Abdul<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">c. 5:00 p.m., July 20, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: abdusalam220@hotmail.fr <br />to: abdusalam220@hotmail.fr <br />subject: ASSALAM ALAIKUM/YOUR URGENT REPLY CONFIDENTIAL PLEASE</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <br /><br />I’m Mr Salam Abdul the manager of auditing and accounting department of BANK <br />OF AFRICA (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. In my department we discovered <br />an abandoned sum $30 million us dollars in an account that belongs to one of <br />our foreign customer (Mr. George Brumley) who died along with his entire family <br />on 21th July 2003 in a plane crash.Since we got information about his death, <br />we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because <br />we can not release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation <br />to the deceased custormer. unfortunately i learnt that all his supposed next <br />of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody <br />behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided <br />to make this business proposal to you,so that the money can be release to you <br />as the next of kin.upon your reply I will send you full details on how the business <br />will be executed, send me your contact information. 1.Age.(2)Residential adress(3) <br />occupation(4)private telephone.Waiting to hear from you,My Regards. Reply me <br />with this email;(abdusalam220@hotmail.fr) </span><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html"><span style="color: blue; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html</span></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <br /><br /><b>c. 6:44 p.m., July 20, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: Jonathan Roberts &lt;jdroberts@gmail.com&gt; <br />to: abdusalam220@hotmail.fr <br />subject: Re: ASSALAM ALAIKUM/YOUR URGENT REPLY CONFIDENTIAL PLEASE</b> <br /><br />Dear Mr. Abdul, <br /><br />I believe you are mistaken. I am not familiar with Mr. George <br />Brumley. As my name is quite common, I often erroneously receive <br />e-mails intended for other individuals with similar names or even the <br />same name as myself. It is possible Mr. Brumley was acquainted with <br />another J. D. Roberts through his philanthropic activities and that is <br />the individual who you intended to reach. Unfortunately, I do not <br />have any contact information for that J. D. Roberts, or any other <br />known associates of either that Mr. Roberts or Mr. Brumley. I will <br />take it upon myself to notify local authorities and the United States <br />Social Security Administration so they may assist you to locate Mr. <br />Roberts or any other relatives of Mr. Brumley. If I can be of further <br />assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me at this e-mail <br />address. <br /><br /><b>c. 6:44 p.m., July 21, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />to: jdroberts@gmail.com <br />subject: RE: ASSALAM ALAIKUM/YOUR URGENT REPLY CONFIDENTIAL PLEASE</b> <br /><br />Dear Friend, <br /><br />Thanks for your willingness to assist me in this transaction and also to know more how we are going to get this fund transferred into your account.I want to assure you that this business is 100% risk free. I give you my words and we are going to conclude this transaction in Good Faith and share the fund peacefully. You don't have to be worried because I will ensure that this fund is transferred into your account without having any problem. I need your account particulars where the money indomant account will be transfered,I'm living in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso West Africa. <br />I state my details as follows:I m Mr Abdul Salam the director of the account &amp; auditing dept,at the bank of Africa (B.O.A).I'm married with three children. My residence address no:18 avenue dela charles Degaulle sect: 21. Box Postal: 01 bp 5256 Ouagadogou Burkina Faso. <br /><br />My Private Telephone No is .00226 76914804. What you have to do is to listen to my guide line until the fund is transferred into your account then I will come over for the disbursement of the fund .You are entitled of 40% for you,50% for me and 10% for any expenses you and I may incure telephone bills and taxes your bank will request when the fund is transfered. I am looking for a reliable person I will do this business with though I did not know much of you. <br />I strongly believe that we will work together as partners and get this fund out from the bank and transferred into your account peacefully I want to assure you that this business will not cause anykind of problem to you because we are going to do it legally. When this fund is transferred there will be some cover up document's my bank will issue you to show your bank that this fund is legally acquired. I tend to invest some part of this fund in hotel business and also import some agricultural machine's back to Burkina-Faso which I will use to set up mechanised farming. We can join together to set up all this investment if you wish but if it is not ok by you then you have to collect your own share and do any thing you want to do with it. This business will take us about 14 working days to mature. You have to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me all the support I need in this business and I assure you that we will all smile at the end of the day, Insha Allah. <br /><br />Concerning what I need from you about this transaction. Although based on mutual trust and understanding .As you will led me in establishment over in your country. Concerning the transaction at hand, as this cannot be done by email alone. Meanwhile, I would want to detail you a little on the fund to be transfered to your account. This is not a stolen money rather, a discovered abandoned money belonging to one of our late customers by name Mr. George Brumley from germany who died eight years ago in a plane crash together with his entire family living behind his contract sum unclaimed in our bank. <br />According to one of our banking policies which stipulate that after eight to nine years of unclaimed fund, the fund will automatically go into the treasury of our bank and that's why I want to use you as next of kin to the deceased customer and claim out the fund. Importantly and as I discoverd, my bank does not know that Mr.George Brumley has no next of kin which makes it more easier for you to stand in as next of kin to the deceased person. It's only me and my colleagues who knew that Mr.George Brumley has no next of kin. <br />There is no risk about this for it's 100% risk free as I will provide you with some vital information related to the contract sum of Mr.George Brumley and a text of application which you will send to bank management, introducing you as next of kin to George Brumley and also instructing the paying bank to effect the transfer of the inheritance fund of Mr.George Brumley into any bank account which you will provide and submit to the bank. <br />I need your declaration of interest and willingness to co-operate with assurance that you will not sit on this money when it gets into your account and promise not to implicate me in this business, I will furnish you with above information that will enable this fund to transfer into your bank account, Could you please call me on the above phone number immediately you receive this email, I will be waiting.Eagerly waiting for your urgent response.Bellow are the informations i request to enable me to send you the text of application which you will fill and send to the bank for the claim. <br /><br />(1)Your full names <br />(2)Your telephone number <br />(3)Your full home address <br />(4)Your scanned photograph to enable me to know you fully well as <br />the transaction commence. <br />Thanks, <br />Mr Abdul Salam <br /><br /><b>c. 1:24 p.m., July 22, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: Jonathan Roberts &lt;jdroberts@gmail.com&gt; <br />to: abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />subject: Re: ASSALAM ALAIKUM/YOUR URGENT REPLY CONFIDENTIAL PLEASE</b> <br /><br />Dear Mr. Salam, <br /><br />I believe there may be a miscommunication between us. Am I correct in <br />understanding that you are aware I have no relation to Mr. George <br />Brumley, but wish to represent me as his next of kin? I have no doubt <br />you are acting in Good Faith, and wish to comply with all laws and <br />regulations of Burkina Faso. Unfortunately, the plan which you <br />describe would require me to violate several laws particular to my <br />jurisdiction. My current employment prevents me from relocating to Burkina Faso, <br />where I would be able to assist you and complete the transaction in a <br />100% legal manner. <br /><br /><b>c. 9:03 a.m., July 23, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from:abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />to: jdroberts@gmail.com <br />subject: Fill the text of application and send it to the bank immediately</b> <br /><br />Dear friend, <br /><br />How are you and your family?hope all is moving fine with you, if so splendid to almighty Allah, <br /><br />I m happy to recieve your repply today,Please quickly re-type this application below and send it to our foreign remittance department director Bank Of Africa (BOA) by mail to the office of our remittance director on this e-mail address ( admin@boabankofafrica-bf.net ) also indicate to the bank to always contact you through your fax or email address, <br />any of them which is more confidential, do not forget to get me informed as soon you send this application to the bank. <br />Below is the application form,fill it and sign it and send it to the bank. <br />I am waiting for your response. <br />Thanks, <br />Abdul Salam . <br /><br />********************************************************************************************** <br />Dear , <br /><br />APPLICATION AS NEXT OF KIN TO ACCOUNT HOLDER N0 :0036101101. ROUTING N0: 91002211 <br /><br />I, Mr. ………………………………………………………………………, humbly apply to your bank as next of kin to your deceased customer, Mr late George W.Brumley a America National ,holder of account no:0036101101,routing no:91002211,who died in a plane crash. <br />I humbly apply and put claim over his balance with the bank, which is valued at USD$30.000.000 million,(thirty million, U.S.dollars) , left in his account still unclaimed, Until his sudden death , we have been business associates in exportation and buying of Gold and Diamond. The funds were transferred into his account through FORTES BANK AMESTERDAM-HOLLAND, for purchase of Gold and Diamond from the Burkina-Faso Mining Co-operation. <br />I wish to be intimated on the processes involved in having this fund transferred to my bank account as stated below: <br /><br />Account Name:.................................... <br />Bank Name:....................................... <br />Bank address: .................................... <br />Fax N0:.......................................... <br />Swift N0: ....................................... <br />Account N0:...................................... <br />My private phone no:............................. <br />My private email address................... <br />My private fax no:............................... <br />AGE................................................. <br />OCUPATION................................... <br /><br />Wishing my application will be given an urgent attention, as I wish the balance be released, and transferred into my account . <br />Accept my apology for the late application, it was due to some logistic problems, which has been just settled. <br />Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation . <br />Yours Sincerely <br />signed and stamped……………………………………… <br /><br /><b>c. 10:47 a.m., July 23, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: Jonathan Roberts &lt;jdroberts@gmail.com&gt; <br />to: abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />subject: Re: Fill the text of application and send it to the bank immediately</b> <br /><br />Dear Mr. Abdul, <br /><br />Perhaps I was not sufficiently clear in my last communication. <br />Representing myself as a former business associate of Mr. George <br />Brumley, like representing myself as his next of kin, is illegal in my <br />jurisdiction. I have never been involved in the exportation of Gold <br />and Diamond, and have never had any dealings with either FORTES BANK <br />AMESTERDAM-HOLLAND or the Burkina-Faso Mining Co-operation. Making <br />any claim to the contrary, for the purpose of claiming funds to which <br />I am not entitled, would likely lead to my incarceration. I have <br />given you the benefit of the doubt thus far and assumed you have dealt <br />with me only in the best of faith. However, further efforts on your <br />part to incite me to me to commit fraudulent, criminal acts will force <br />me to conclude beyond any shadow of doubt that you are a villain and a <br />rogue. I assure you that I will report any such shenanigans on your <br />part to the Bank of Africa, FORTES BANK AMESTERDAM-HOLLAND, the ACME <br />Detective Agency, law enforcement authorities in the United States, <br />Burkina Faso and the Netherlands and INTERPOL. <br /><br /><b>c. 6:39 a.m., July 27, 2009 at 6:39 AM <br />from: abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />to: jdroberts@gmail.com <br />subject: Brother do the needfull for our own good and benefit</b> <br /><br />Dear Brother, <br />How are you and your family doing today? <br />My brother, the bank does not know that Mr. George Brumley our late business customer has no next of kin that make it more easier for us. Any foreigner can stand as a next of kin as the bank management has been looking for the next of kin for long. <br />You can stand as the business partner to the late George Brunley as the information which i am going to provide to you will be the accurate information which the bank management needs to transfer the fund to his next of kin. <br />As you know that i am still working in this same bank, i will provide to you all the necessary information for this $30M to be transfer into your account before two weeks if you follow up my instructions accordingly. <br />I have make all the necessary arrangement for this $30M to be transfer into your account, all you need to do is to follow up my instructions accordingly, i assure you that if you follow up my instruction before two weeks this $30M will be transfer into your account. <br />This is not a stollen money, it's a discoverred abandoned fund which belong to our late deceased customer. According to one of our banking rules and regulation which stipulates that after some years of unclaimed fund, if nobody come up for the claim the fund will be transfer into the bank treasure as an unclaimed fund with our bank. <br />I don't want this $30M to go into the bank treasure that was why i contacted you, my bank wants to hold an audit meeting for the half year and after the meeting this $30M will be transfer into the bank treasure as an unclaimed fund. <br />Finally my good brother, i will advice you to fill the application and send it to the bank immediately so that the bank management can start processing the application with your name for payment. <br />I will be waiting to hear from you soon that you have done that for our own good and benefit. <br />Thanks <br />Mr Abdul Salam <br /><br /><b>c. 5:42 p.m, July 27, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: Jonathan Roberts &lt;jdroberts@gmail.com&gt; <br />to: abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />subject: Re: Brother do the needfull for our own good and benefit</b> <br /><br />My family is quite well. I, however, am exceedingly displeased by <br />your lack of integrity. I have made it perfectly clear that I do not <br />wish to participate in your dastardly, fraudulent activities yet you <br />persist in seeking my assistance. I have no interest in defrauding <br />your employer of the funds, held in Mr. George Brumley's account, to <br />which it is entitled under the laws of the soverign state of Burkina <br />Faso. I stated in my last communication that any continued attempts <br />to recruit me as an accessory to your devious, criminal scheme would <br />force me to charactarize you as a villain and a rogue, and so it is. <br />I have notified the parties and law enforcement agencies listed in <br />that communication. Upon your next contact with me, I will write <br />letters to the Honorable Senator Richard Burr, the Honorable Senator <br />Kay Hagan, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (who you may be <br />familiar with through his appearance in feature films such as the <br />Terminator series and The Running Man), Captain America and Secretary <br />of the Treasury Timothy Geithner in order to encourage them to <br />petition His Eminence, Mr. President Barack Hussein Obama to authorize <br />a pre-emptive tactical nuclear strike against your office. Such a <br />strike would result in the obliteration of your office, along with the <br />deaths of several innocent civilians and the destruction of Mr. <br />Brumley's $30 million USD as collateral damage. I assume you would <br />find the destruction of Mr. Brumley's cash most regrettable. After <br />sending the letters, I will immediately pursue legal action against <br />you in order to recoup the exorbitant postage fees I will inevitably <br />incur plus punitive damages of $30 million USD. In order to save me <br />the inconvenience of such a drastic, but necessary and morally <br />acceptable, response I must request you kindly <br />bugger off. <br /><br /><b>c. 8:01 a.m., August 1, 2009 Anno Domini <br />from: abbdul salam &lt;abdusalam220@hotmail.fr&gt; <br />to: jdroberts@gmail.com <br />subject: Reason with me and do the needfull</b> <br /><br />Dear Brother, <br />Don't be ignorant of everything in life because i have alreday disclosed the secret of this transaction to you that was why you are using it as a threat. <br />I did not contact you in this transaction for child's play. I contacted you for both of us to become very rich in life like other men. <br />You have nothing to regreat of doing this business with me which will benefit both of our family in life. <br />Reason with me as responsible man which i take you to be by filling the application and send it to the bank so that the bank management can start processing the application with your name for payment. <br />This transaction is going to benefit both of our family, you should not take as a child's play. I have been working with the bank for long now without good achievement that is why when i discovered this great opportunity, i decided to contact you so that we can use this opportunity to inherit this $30M into your account for our own good and benefit. <br />I want you to bear this in mind that you have nothing to regreat of been part of this transaction ratherly you will have Almighty Allah to thank at last of making you part of this great success. <br />I will be waiting to hear from you soon that you have done that for our own good and benefit. <br />Thanks <br />Mr Abdul Salam. <b><br /></b></span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-xi-bittersweet-ballad-of-my.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-7265132613951927537Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:21:00 +00002011-04-28T02:21:59.433-07:00VOLUME X - The Country Inn and Suites Conspiracy and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">Mere, Puling Status Update ( MPSU) c. March 6, 2009 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />Jonathan is acknowledging the existence of facebook due to pressure from co-workers.<br /><br /><b>MPSU c. April 3, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Jonathan wanted the Goblin King to come and take all the customers at Salad Creations away like in Labyrinth so he could get a salad before work. He said the words but it didn't happen<br /><br /><b>c. April 23, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A few years ago when I still worked at the movie theater, Regal Entertainment Group sent me to a corporate training and/or brainwashing program known as Regal Entertainment University (REU) in Knoxville, TN. The program lasted five days, and the company provided accommodations at a hotel known as Country Inn &amp; Suites. The program officially ended at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, but the company graciously permitted participants to stay at the hotel on Friday night on the company dime rather than kicking us out and making us all drive home immediately. The other participants told me they were all staying in the hotel and drinking that night and invited me to their soiree. I, however, drove myself back to Charlotte without pausing long enough to determine whether they would be drinking alcohol or Kool-Aid. <br /><br />During the fall of 2008, Melanie, Bella and I took a vacation to Boone, NC, in part so Melanie could get away from the infernal fetidness that is Regal Entertainment Group and not think about that place for a few days. We stayed at the Boone Country Inn &amp; Suites. Much to our dismay, we were given a room with a scenic view of the Boone Regal Cinemas 7. Needless to say, the second night of our visit was spent in a room on the opposite side of the hotel with a view of the parking lot. <br /><br />In April 2009, Melanie, Bella and I went to Wilmington, NC to give Melanie's sister a ride back to school and turned it into a short vacation. After dropping Vicki off, we checked into the Wilmington Country Inn &amp; Suites, dropped off our luggage and made a quick visit to the pool. Upon our return to the room, Melanie set a towel down on a chair and a small piece of paper fluttered onto the floor. Upon further inspection the piece of paper revealed itself to be a ticket stub from a movie at the local Regal Cinemas. <br /><br />I think Melanie and I shall never return to a Country Inn &amp; Suites as long as we both shall live.<br /><br /><b>c. May 15, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />The people who live across the street from me never talk to any of the neighbors. My parents have lived in their hours for about ten years and these people have been there for nine. They ignore everyone else. I think there is a mother, father, son and daughter there but for all I know the mother could be a young-looking grandma, the son could actually be the daughter's boyfriend, the father could be some homeless guy they took in or whatever. I can't even say for certain that they don't have a massive subterranean compound beneath their house with an entrance/exit five miles away and only use the front entrance enough to avoid arousing too much suspicion. <br /><br />A few weeks ago Melanie worked late and came over to meet me to go hang out at about 3 a.m. As we were leaving, a car started following us, flashing its lights and laying on the horn all the way down my street. Mel and I were a bit concerned about the intentions of the vehicle's occupants and didn't care to stop, so I ignored the shenanigans until I came to the stop sign at the exit of my neighborhood. When I stopped at the sign, the other vehicle rolled up to me (in the wrong lane). The reclusive family's son (or daughter's boyfriend, pool boy, live-in nanny or whatever) rolled down the window and asked "Do you have any bud?" I told him I did not. He asked, "Are you sure?," and I told I most certainly was. He drove off, most likely never to be heard from again.<br /><br /><b>c. May 20, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I went out to pick up breakfast for Melanie, John and myself after a hard night of carousing, wearing my New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Champions hat. An obnoxious New England Patriots fan took offense and proceeded to make an ass of himself. <br /><br />Patriots Fan: They won't win it again this year. We got Brady back. <br />Me: Last time New England played the Giants with Brady on the field it didn't work out to well for them. <br />Patriots Fan: Eli Manning didn't win that game. It was that kid with the weird name... <br /><br />At this point, Patriot's fan said something unintelligible. It sounded like he was trying to say Kiwanuka (who missed the Super Bowl due to an injury) but I think he was actually referring to Osi Umenyiora. Either way, Eli did win the game. Not singlehandedly, but football is a team sport. If the fact that Eli's teammates contributed more where Brady's teammates (particularly his offensive line) let him down helps Patriots Fan sleep at night so be it. If so, he's more of a Brady fan than an actual Patriots fan but I didn't see a need to point that out to him. Perhaps I should have pointed out that Randy Moss didn't help out his quarterback by making the catch of the century on a poorly thrown ball on third and long, just to hear him tell me Moss never had the opportunity because Tom Brady doesn't make poor throws. Ha.<br /><br /><b>c. May 24, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I went through the drive-through at the establishment bearing her name on my break tonight and ordered, amongst other things, a double cheeseburger. Instead of the double cheeseburger, they provided me with a single chicken sandwich. No first hamburger patty. No second hamburger patty. No cheese. Even a single cheeseburger, or a double chicken sandwich with cheese would have been closer to what I actually ordered. If I hadn't had more important things to do at the time I would have gone back to the restaurant all Samuel L. Jackson style and asked the staff, "WHERE'S THE BEEF, M-TH-RF-CK-R?" That place has really gone downhill since Dave Thomas shuffled off this mortal coil.<br /><br /><b>MPSU c. June 19, 2009</b><br /><br />Jonathan forgot what day it was, dressed for work as if it were Casual Friday, and almost left the house without rectifying his error<br /><br /><b>c. July 30, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Specifically in the form of the following:<br /><br />If Car A leaves Topeka at 2:30 p.m., traveling east with a speed of 55 mph and Car B leaves Baltimore at 4 p.m., traveling west with a speed of 70 mph:<br /><br />a) where will Car A and Car B meet?<br /><br />b) if Car A and Car B meet at a four-way stop, for Pete's sake whose turn is it to go first? Come on, people. Its not that freaking hard.<br /><br />c) If Henry Ford had been aware of how many people would struggle to answer b), would he have still created the modern assembly line and made the automobile accessible to the common people? I think not. And if he did, I'd be tempted to go back in time and bust a cap in his rabblerousing posterior after my commute this morning.<br /><br /><b>c. August 20, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />On my first night in Myrtle Beach I ate at a seafood restaurant named The Sea Captain's House Restaurant, and seeing as how I don't eat seafood I ordered a chef salad because it was one of the few non-seafood items available. It turned out to be by far the best salad I have ever eaten in my life. If it was on an RPG and your character ate it your hit points would immediately be restored to full and you would gain enough experience points to go up eight levels at once. The ham was so delicious and fresh they could have had a live hog in the kitchen and sliced off flesh from it as needed for all I know. My waiter said he has worked at that establishment for five years and has never seen anyone other than me finish the entire salad, and I don't doubt him. It was so massive I was surprised it didn't have smaller satellite side salads caught in its gravitational field in elliptical orbits. I cannot possibly say enough about this salad.<br /><br />A few nights after consuming the salad (because it probably wasn't safe to swim for at least 24 hours after consuming it), I intentionally "accidentally" fell into the pool with my clothes on for Bella's amusement. I lost my glasses in the process but didn't realize it until after I had already dried off and changed into dry clothing, necessitating a return trip to dive into the pool and retrieve them. The second time I almost forgot to take my insulin pump off, and probably would have jumped in with it if Melanie hadn't reminded me. All of this occurred around 2:30 a.m., more than four hours after the pool closed, but somehow escaped the notice of the security guard on duty. I told Bella when her second grade class talks about what they did over the summer she better say she saw me fall in the pool with my clothes on and that it was the most hilarious thing ever. The same security guard failed to notice "Operation Steal Bella's Shorts Back" the night before, which entailed skulking around the pool area at about the same hour the night before because Bella left the pair of shorts she had been wearing over her bathing suit during another after-hours trip to the pool.<br /><br />The hotel at which we stayed had some sort of Hall of Heroes, which I never looked into, so I don't know exactly what it entails or how one becomes inducted. I told Bella I should be enshrined there for eating the massive chef salad at Sea Captain's House. She said, "No. All you did was eat a salad. That isn't very hero-ish."<br /><br /><b>MPSU c. August 27, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Jonathan had to run a red light and almost got into accidents on two separate occasions within the last 24 hours due to asinine drivers following too closely and not paying attention. If it happens again he may affix a moderate number of large titanium spikes and rotating diamond saw blades to the back of his car <br /><br /><b>MPSU c. September 3, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Jonathan would be the sort of criminal who held people at gunpoint and told them to spell words like "bourgeoise" as if their life depended on it, and asked them to recite scientific, mathematical and historical facts in a similar vein. Not that Jonathan Roberts would ever be a criminal.<br /><br /><b>c. September 19, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I opened a pack of Pez candy which included five smaller packs of the size used to fill up one standard Pez dispenser. The external packaging stated each pack included 9 grams of sugar, but the wrappers on the smaller packs state the net weight of each pack is 8.5 grams. This raises two points, one which irks me and one which vexes me.<br /><br />The irksome point is that grams are a unit of mass, not weight so the wrapper should state the net mass is 8.5 grams. The vexatious point is that for each pack to contain 9 grams of sugar but have a mass of only 8.5 grams there must also be 0.5 grams of antimatter in each pack... but I have observed no matter-antimatter reactions. It is also worth noting that no matter how the good people at the Pez Corporation managed to get matter and antimatter to coexist the logical form for the antimatter in question to take is antisugar and the medical community has done surprisingly little research into the effects on antisugar on blood glucose levels of those afflicted with diabetes.<br /><br /><b>c. September 21, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Flozell Adams should sign an endorsement deal with someone like Dove or Irish Spring. He could make a commercial and say their soap was so good it can make even him a clean player. It would, of course, be a bald-faced lie but that should pose no problem because Mr. Adams is a man of less than impeccable character as anyone who watched the Giants-Cowboys game last night knows.<br /><br />At this point I wouldn't be more than mildly surprised if Flozell Adams brought a shiv onto the field and stabbed an opposing player in the face. He would literally have to hack an opposing lineman's limb off with a machete to do much more than raise an eyebrow.<br /><br />I really wish I could find a video of his bush league cheap shot hatchet job on Justin Tuck from last night. I wonder why it hasn't shown up on Youtube yet.<br /><br /><b>MPSU c. October 19, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Jonathan wore a musical tie to work and only failed not to inadvertently activate it on two occasions. <br /><br /><b>MPSU c. October 24, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Jonathan has many talents, but roasting a hot dog over a fire on a metal skewer and eating said hot dog straight from the skewer without burning his tongue on the skewer apparently isn't one of them. Who knew?<br /><br /><b>c. November 13, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />In his recently published book, "The Book of Basketball," Bill Simmons writes that Spencer Haywood hired a mafia hit man to take out Paul Westhead after Westhead benched him during the 1980 NBA finals, but changed his mind before the deed was done. Mr. Simmons dedicates an entire chapter of the same book to analysis of the 33 most intriguing what-if scenarios in the history of the NBA, but somehow manages to leave out, "What if Spencer Haywood hadn't changed his mind about hiring a professional killer to off his coach?" How negative would the effect the assassination of Paul Westhead on the reputation of the league have been? Regardless of Magic and Bird coming along the next year, would the NBA have survived? How positive would the effect have been on the reputation of Latrell Sprewell? Compared to the contract killing of a coach, one paltry choking during practice is rather pedestrian. Would Scottie Pippen have followed suit and put out a hit on Phil Jackson instead of merely refusing to take the court for 1.8 seconds in the 1994 playoffs? Would the incident become the proverbial giant elephant in the room during future broadcasts or would Charles Barkley joke about it every time a starter got benched during crunch time? Would Kenny Smith laugh with Charles or exchange awkward "Are you sure this guy didn't come here with you? He's not with me, I don't even know him," glances behind Charles's back with Ernie Johnson every time it happened? I'm tempted to e-mail this to Mr. Simmons to see if he has the courage to man up, print it in his next mailbag column and admit how badly he dropped the ball on this one.<br /><br /><b>c. November 20, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br /><b>I.</b> When I was your age the closest thing we had to Facebook was LiveJournal</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">A. It had no status updates, only blog entries</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">B. We had to walk uphill both ways in the snow to use it</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">1. It was always 107 degrees outside</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">2. It was also hailing</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">3. Dinosaurs still roamed the Earth so there was always a risk of being eaten</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">C. We had to use dial-up to get online</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">1. Modems consisted of two tin cans joined by a string</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">2. You got disconnected every time an incoming call came in on the tin can phone, which happened a lot because no one used cell phones back then</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">3. 404 errors due to the string not being long enough were common if you tried to access web sites from far away places</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><b>II.</b> Notes don't have character limits</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">A. Character limits inhibit in-depth writing</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">B. Character limits encourage the use of a monosyllabic vocabulary to avoid getting cut off mid-sentence</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">C. Character limits encourage asinine abbreviations and punctuation</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">1. U instead of you</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">2. 2nite instead of tonight</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">3. That one my former manager at Regal used to do that irked me and made all her text messages sound inappropriate for the workplace</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">D. Character limits in the forms of communication used by kids these days are a metaphor for the limits of their moral character</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><b>III.</b> The status update format is not conducive to archival</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">A. I'm don't want Volume X or possibly even Volume XI of The Archives to be a bunch of one-line status updates</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">1. Status updates are rarely worthy of inclusion in The Archives</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.5in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">2. I don't want to go back and read all my old status updates to find the ones which merit inclusion</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0.25in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">B. I don't know if Facebook even saves status updates more than one week old</span></div><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br /><b>c. November 21, 2009 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />If I were a vampire I would do the following things:<br /><br />1. Spend my first thousand years of undeath building up an immunity to sunlight through an excruciating process of incrementally increasing exposure.<br /><br />2. Do the same thing with running water, starting by hopping over a running garden hose and completing my training by swimming across the Amazon River.<br /><br />3. I know I sound repetitive, but I'd do the same with wooden stakes, beginning by poking myself in the chest with a toothpick. And then I'd make myself immune to garlic.<br /><br />4. Write a series of best-selling novels portraying vampires as creatures who are always irresistibly attractive, aren't really all that bad and, despite their immortality, enjoy romantic liaisons with high school students out of only the purist of motivations. The fact that I can't imagine myself feigning interest in the banality of adolescence at 28 years of age, let alone 280 or 2828 is entirely beside the point. They're easy prey.<br /><br />5. Start the following rumours:<br />-It is entirely outside the realm of possibility for vampires to develop immunities to sunlight or other traditional vampiral weaknesses<br />-All the cool kids are getting bitten by vampires. It doesn't hurt as much as they tell you it will.<br />-Vampires want to be your friend, and would never hurt you. In fact, they don't even really drink blood. They prefer Diet RC Cola.<br />-If you let a vampire bite you he will show his gratitude by giving you an adorable puppy. Or a kitten or an ipod or whatever the #$*&amp; kids these days want but can't convince their parents to buy for them.<br /><br />6. Sneak up on people looking at themselves in the mirror (because that would never get old)<br /><br />7. Gorge myself on the feeble, misinformed masses</span>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-x-country-inn-and-suites.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-8643406919809852442Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:20:00 +00002011-04-28T02:20:01.643-07:00VOLUME IX - One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor For a Coconut Macaroon and Other Tales<span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. March 26, 2007 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />My experiences at the airport in in Miami which included a twelve hour layover in which I was not allowed to check in for my connecting flight until 4 AM EDT (two hours before the flight), and even then there was a bit of a problem at the checkout counter so I had to wait in line until 5:15 AM EDT and this was after lugging my luggage around the airport all night since there was nowhere to stow it. Fortunately I was able to plug my dvd player into a random electrical outlet and watch The Terminal, starring the esteemed Mr. Tom Hanks. It seemed like an appropriate choice.<br /><br />The only cool thing was that I spent the entire layover in full pimp attire and a random airport employee asked me where my hoes were.<br /><br />Random Airport Employee: Hey, pimp! Where are your hoes?<br />Random Pimp aka Me: In Charlotte... I don't have them with me tonight.<br />Random Airport Employee: What? How can a pimp travel without his hoes?<br />Random Pimp aka Me: They missed their flight... I'm going to have to deal with them as soon as I get home.<br /><br />Then security held me up because they wanted to inspect my set of dominoes. They didn't care about all the needles or anything else I was carrying but apparently dominoes could be a terrorist weapon?<br /><br /><b>c. March 27, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I totally got put in my place by a witty, old grandma at the wedding for talking trash about young people which is not something I'm used to. She was telling me that she was trying to tell her granddaughters to dance but that wouldn't listen to her so I said young people these days are so disrespectful and really should respect their elders more and do what they are told, expecting her to wholeheartedly agree with me but instead she took me by surprise by grabbing my arm and pulling me towards her, grabbing her nearest granddaughter and sharply scolding the two (2) of us, saying "you young people, go dance with each other!" and there really wasn't much I could do other than go along with it in light of what I had just said. I don't think the granddaughter was too pleased because I was by far the most inept dancer there.<br /><br /><b>c. April 17, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />An employee made the audacious claim that her cookies were worth risking death for (because I have diabetes and they would make my blood sugar high) to which I could only reply that if I was going to risk death for cookies I'd rather find a more hardcore way to do it, such as sneaking into the hostile land of Mordor and passing by an army of vigilant orcs to steal Sauron's very own cookies from right under his nose and that simple assertion led to the following string of improbable conclusions:<br /><br />-Elrond should have told Frodo to bring back some cookies from Morder, sort of like "after you destroy the Ring bring back some of Sauron's cookies for me because I'm getting sick of this Elvish lembas bread and I hear that Sauron's cookies are worth risking death for."<br /><br />-Sauron learned the art of baking from Morgoth, who stole the Silmarils and the secret Elvish cookie recipe from Feanor<br /><br />-Sauron probably bakes his cookies by putting them in the fires of Orodruin for one (1) second and then letting them cool for approximately thirty (30) minutes<br /><br />-The reason Sauron hates elves so much is that Keebler put him out of the cookie business. In fact, the whole reason he got into trying to rule all of Middle Earth as a dictatorial tyrant is because he was frustrated by his failure as a baker.<br /><br />-Eowyn is a far more desirable female than Arwen although the employee in question disagrees and she even called me out on the fact that that violates one of the Official Requirements (the one that says "must not be blonde or a ninja").<br /><br />-I'm willing to waive the not being blonde requirement for any woman who can truthfully claim to have slain a Witch King of Ang-Mar<br /><br />-I'd still rather have a dark-haired woman who can truthfully claim to have slain a Witch King of Ang-Mar if such an individual exists<br /><br /><b>c. April 27, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />At mass with my mother...<br /><br />Me: <i>takes out wallet to put money in the collection plate</i><br />My Mom: <i>whispering</i> Pssssst... Jonathan?<br />Me: What?<br />My Mom: Is that a SKELETON on your wallet?<br />Me: Mom, I'm a pirate.<br /><br /><b>c. May 5, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Twelve Year Old Boy: What would happen if the bulb exploded?<br />Me: Not much... it would be loud but the explosion would be contained inside the lamphouse.<br />Twelve Year Old Boy: How much of the building would get blown up if the lamphouse wasn't there when the bulb exploded?<br />Me: Not much actually, only the immediate area around the projector.<br />Twelve Year Old Boy: What if you were standing next to it when it exploded?<br />Me: You'd get glass in your eye.<br /><br />No point in sugarcoating things for these kids. I tell it to them straight <br /><br /><b>c. June 2, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I had a birthday party tour today. They were all dressed up as pirates to see Pirates of the Caribbean so I got my pirate hat out of my car and put it on before their tour. I probably should have gotten my sword too because one of the girls actually menacingly threatened me with her sword but I think she was just playing around and it was actually kind of adorable. The birthday girl's mom introduced me to them all as "Captain Jonathan Sparrow" and there was one hilarious little girl who asked interesting questions.<br /><br />Before going upstairs for the tour:<br />Little Piratey Girl: Are you trying to walk like Captain Jack Sparrow?<br />Me: No, I'm not trying. It comes naturally. Captain Jack Sparrow had to learn how to walk like me.<br /><br />After coming down from the tour before the movie:<br />Little Piratey Girl: Do you like rum?<br />Me: Of course I do, but unfortunately we don't have any here. Its always gone. I'm not sure why, or where its gone off to but its definitely not here.<br /><br /><b>c. June 9, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Ten Year Old Birthday Girl: It was fun watching a movie I started myself!<br />Me: Hehe, yeah. I start movies myself sometimes and climb down through the window to watch them.<br />Birthday Girl's Friend: When do you do that?<br />Me: When I'm watching a movie for quality control purposes before it comes out, usually around midnight.<br />Birthday Girl's Friend: Do you wake up one minute before midnight to come watch the movie?<br />Me: No, I'm usually up that late anyway.<br />Birthday Girl's Friend: You stay up PAST MIDNIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?<br /><br /><b>c. June 10, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />The mother from a party a few weeks ago randomly came up to me at the customer service desk and asked where my hat was. I think she was referring to my pirate hat, not the infamous red hat but either way it proves that I am invisible to women of all ages from the bottom of the brim of my hat down to about my knees, if not all the way down to the floor but at least she remembered my hat. Then again, don't they always?<br /><br /><b>c. May 15, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I had a very disturbing dream last night that apparently my old roommate had introduced me to some woman by the name of Gina (who as far as I know does not actually exist or even resemble any person living or dead) and that she and I got engaged but that part never actually happened in the dream because the dream started in the afternoon on the day of the wedding rehearsal.<br /><br />Me, this imaginary Gina character, my old roommate, my old roommate's wife and a few of my friends from college were all chilling at my residence before leaving for the rehearsal dinner when The Tarrasque busted through the walls and started attacking us. For the uninitiated, the Tarrasque is a 50' tall monster from Dungeons and Dragons which sleeps for a few hundred years at a time, wakes up and does nothing but eat and lay waste to the surrounding area for about a year and then goes back to sleep. If I remember correctly it something like six attacks per round (one bite, two with its front claws, two with its rear claws and one with its tail), all of which do massive damage and in order to kill it you have to reduce it to -50 hit points and use five wish spells to wish its dead carcass doesn't get back up and avenge itself. None of us had any weapons (I suppose my sword cane was already in the car) so I came up with the idea of opening up all the wedding gifts and looking for items that could be used as weapons in an improvised sort of manner and we all started doing that.<br /><br />Gina got taken out very early in the battle when she foolishly picked up a frying pan and climbed up on a shelf and jumped off trying to go all Tika Waylan style on the Tarrasque but Tarrasques are tougher than draconians by a factor of approximately infinity and the Tarrasque b-tchslapped her. Meanwhile the rest of us did our best to stay out of melee range and I tore open a couple boxes of cutlery and got a bunch of critical hits throwing steak knives but it wasn't doing much good because even if you're getting critical hits steak knives are still a puny weapon to use against The Tarrasque. I kind of hope that wasn't some sort of Freudian symbolism but whatever.<br /><br />Everyone got beat up a little but we eventually defeated it although I collapsed from loss of blood shortly thereafter and when I woke up Gina and I decided to cancel the wedding on amicable terms and never see each other again because a Tarrasque attack on the day before your wedding is a really, really bad omen.<br /><br />I think dreams are rubbish that don't ever mean anything but I'd like to think that maybe this one means I really shouldn't ever even think about getting married (not that I would anyway) but if I ever do I am going to put at least five vorpal weapons on the registry just to be safe.</span>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-ix-one-does-not-simply-walk-into.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-6063708561998948809Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:19:00 +00002011-04-28T02:19:18.448-07:00VOLUME VIII - The %#&@! Ming Fu Incident and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. December 26, 2007 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />I went into work today more piratically attired than yesterday and got totally dissed. Very shortly after my arrival a small child in a Captain Jack Sparrow hat appearing to be no more than three or four years of age pointed to me and said "look, a pirate! Arrrrrrr!," so I said "avast, matey! How arrrrrre ye?," and his father asked if I would pose for a picture with the kid and I agreed to do so but the kid said to me "I'm not taking a picture with you! I don't know you!," and refused to have his picture taken with me.<br /><br />Another insolent whelp who was probably closed to the age of five brazenly walked up and drew my sword from my belt and threatened me with it and there wasn't much I could do because I think my employer's corporate regulations have a specific prohibition against slapping little brats even if they totally deserve it. I did manage to confiscate the contraband Coca-Cola he was trying to sneak in.<br /><br /><b>c. June 7, 2008 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />On July 2, 2008, Melanie, Bella and I went to a sorry excuse for a restaurant known as Ming Fu, in Cureton Town Center, on NC Highway 16, in Waxhaw, NC for lunch. We're not in the habit of eating lunch at sorry excuses for restaurants, but in our defense we were unaware of Ming Fu's place atop the pantheon of sorry excuses for restaurants.<br /><br />I ordered the pineapple chicken, and the waiter mistakenly served me pineapple shrimp. I detest shrimp for some reason, but as a reasonable man I realize no one is perfect and one incorrect order is hardly sufficient cause to wish immolation on an eatery and it's entire staff so I started eating the rice, carrots and pineapple sauce without wasting any time lamenting the chicken. To be honest, what I really wanted was pineapple beef, but that wasn't even on the menu.<br /><br />Melanie knows how much I loathe shrimp, and very politely pointed out the mistake to the waiter. He responded by asking her "what? Is he allergic to shrimp?," and stormed off. I continued eating around the vile sea-creatures for about five minutes, at which point the villain of this tale returned and whisked away the mildly offending dish, with a highly offending glance in my direction and nary a word.<br /><br />Eventually the fiend returned, and bestowed upon me what appeared to be a run of the mill plate of pineapple chicken. I wasn't privy to exactly what happened between, but based on the direction things were heading until the point at which he took the shrimp away, and the direction things headed after he brought me the chicken, and the fact that Ming Fu is still in business, I think its safe to assume the Union County Department of Health wasn't privy to it either, and not entirely outside the realm of possibility that the chicken was in the privies.<br /><br />I was feeling ravenous by the time the chicken arrived at my table, and unsuspectingly devoured the majority of it in short order, only to find a tag floating inconspicuously in a puddle of pineapple sauce, as if had every right to be there... as if pineapples naturally grew tags inside of them, except this tag looked more like the sort found in the middle of the elastic waistband on a pair of men's briefs. I plucked the tag out of its unnatural habitat, and upon closer inspection I determined it actually came from a 100% cotton mop head. Finding the tag from a mop head in one's food is certainly not as bad as finding an underwear tag in one's food, but its still just cause to righteously wish immolation on an eatery and it's entire staff. <br /><br />I excused myself to the privies, ostensibly to rinse the sticky pineapple sauce and mop bucket water cocktail off my hands but also to count to ten lest I do something completely morally justified yet prohibited by law such as arson. Meanwhile, Melanie pointed out the tag to the waiter and explained where I found it, and he asked her "what do you want me to do about it?" I wasn't there, but I suspect Melanie exercised more self-control than the cumulative total possessed by the combined brethren of a decently-sized monastic order by not telling him exactly what she'd like him to do with it. If I had been there I would have most likely told him I had a fatal allergy to tags, and requested emergency medical attention but I wasn't there, which is a shame because I would have really enjoyed saying that.<br /><br /><b>c. September 23, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />We have company/family visiting from Connecticut this weekend and my mother is planning some sort of french toast extravaganza for the morning but we didn't have enough bread. We didn't have any sugar-free syrup either and since I'm a freak with both a defective pancreas and a distinct preference for syrup on my french toast I went on a late-night trip to a local grocery store.<br /><br />Upon my entrance into the store a middle-aged woman exclaimed "What the hell? That boy is wearing a red hat and red shoes!," with a tone of voice and volume level indicating that she was disturbed by such a thing as if red hats, red shoes and the combination of the above were some sort of heinously inappropriate taboo. I don't know what culture she identifies with but its obviously vastly different from mine, in which wearing a red hat with red shoes is almost literally an everyday occurrence. If the hat and shoes provoked that reaction its probably a good thing I wasn't wearing my red belt at the time too or else she quite possibly might have exclaimed "What the f-ck? That boy is wearing a red hat, red shoes and a red belt!," and that would have been a bit extreme. Never mind the fact that in my culture I came of age and crossed the threshold from boyhood into manhood many moons ago.<br /><br /><b>c. October 8, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A little boy sitting in front of me in church this morning spent the entirety of mass drawing a picture of a luchalibre wrestler with spiderwebs, a lightning bolt and the letter S on his mask, horns growing out of his head, the fiercest of scowls upon his face, spikes growing out of his arms, legs and fists, spikes growing out of some of the other spikes and some sort of crest or insignia emblazoned upon his chest. After he finished the drawing he proudly named his character "Mr. Devle." Children are so dog gone adorably sacrilegious.<br /><br /><b>c. January 31, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />We had a sneak preview at the theater tonight at 7:30 PM EST. Passes were distributed by Universal Studios through whatever channels they distribute such things through without involving the theater at all. All we do is play the bloody movie. As it was, people started lining up around 6:00 PM EST, seeing as how the screening was free and there were probably an obscene number of passes distributed and we only had 370 seats available. It ended up being completely full and we had to turn about forty people away because there was nowhere to seat them but I digress.<br /><br />Almost immediately after we allowed people to begin taking their seats some lady heard a bit of squeaking off to the side of her seat so she quite naturally looked down and saw a mouse trap with two baby mice stuck in it but still alive, squealing in the midst of their death throes as they hopelessly tried to escape so she quite naturally told everyone she could find except me and only then informed me after everyone else had already been made aware and I kindly removed both the trap and the baby mice who squeaked and squealed and fought courageously but in vain to escape and that was the end of that. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br />Much later, around 7:40 PM EST a couple of little old ladies showed up with passes for the sneak and wanted to let me in so I explained to them that the theater was already full and that in any event the studios tell us that they don't want anyone coming in after the movie has been started (which holds true in any and all circumstances, even the unlikely event that the auditorium is completely empty of both humans and mice). She told me that no one told her she would have to arrive early and then proceeded to go on and on about my obligation to allow her free admission into any movie of her choosing as compensation for her troubles of driving to the theater only to be refused admission but my hands were tied by corporate policy which prohibits free passes being given in precisely that sort of situation. I politely (despite her general demeanor) showed her that on her ticked it said "Please arrive early. Seating is limited and is available on a first-come, first-serve basis," explained to her that people had been lined up as early as 6 PM and offered to put her in contact with a representative from Universal Studios who was on the premises at the time but her reply was:<br /><br />Little Old Lady: Well you're a bitch <i>storms out furiously</i><br /><br />I expect that sort of thing from teenagers since they're mostly rude, angsty, rebellious and ill-mannered and seem to have a certain devil-may-care attitude about propriety and civil behaviour but coming from a woman in her 60s it really took me aback.<br /><br /><b>c. March 14, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Which customer is more stupid?<br /><br />Customer 1: If I saw a movie and I want to stay to watch another one can I just watch it or do I have to buy another ticket?<br /><br />or<br /><br />Customer 2: <i>pointing at the front doors to the main lobby</i> Can I leave through those doors?<br /><br />I think Customer 2 is more stupid. I was very highly tempted to say "No, those doors are for entrance only. To exit you must leave through the back of the building."<br /><br /><b>c. March 14, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A girl with the surname Collins filled out an application to work at the theater last night so I asked her if she had any relation to The Esteemed Mr. Jacob Collins and her reply was to say "who?" Blimey. Its plausible, I admit, that she wouldn't be related to him but to have never heard of him? What the blazes? The man is a freaking legend. I should have said to her "You'll find out who Jacob Collins is soon enough if we hire you," but she appeared to still be in high school so I just told her he was one of the managers of the theater and wished her a nice rest of the evening.<br /><br />I was introduced to another gentleman as "Mr. Roberts" and he told me that my surname was very common and that there were a lot of other people named Roberts in this area. I said "I had nothing to do with that!!!" which in retrospect I suppose was a little uncouth. Why don't any ladies ever tell me that there are a lot of people with the surname Roberts in this area so I can deadpan a pickup line such as "I know. Would you like to assist me in the making of a few more?," just so I could enjoy watching a combination of shock and horror creep across her face?</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-viii-ming-fu-incident-and-other.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-7976773193408394374Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:18:00 +00002011-04-28T02:18:31.470-07:00VOLUME VII - Several Tales, None of Which Are Particularly Noteworthy<span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. November 30, 2006 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />I generally assume that doctors have heard it all in the course of their line of work and that not much surprises them or leaves them taken aback or whatever but yesterday I went to visit my doctor for a routine appointment. Anyway, my doctor was going through a list of various potential long-term complications of diabetes and asking if I had been experiencing them when the conversation turned to:<br /><br />Doctor: Sexual dysfunction?<br />Me: I wouldn't really know<br />Doctor Lady: <i>looks at me with a look on her face as if that's a totally unreasonable and unexpected off-the-wall response</i><br />AWKWARD SILENCE<br />Me: Well, I've never tried to find out<br />AWKWARD SILENCE 2<br />Doctor: So you're not sexually active?<br />Me: No, I'm not.<br />AWKWARD SILENCE 3<br />Doctor Lady: Have you had a flu shot yet?<br /><br />Perhaps I should have just explained to her that as a practicing Catholic I'm not allowed to go around performing self-examinations for that sort of thing all willy-nilly?<br /><br /><b>c. December 1, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Al Diablo con Barnes &amp; Noble. The Spanish-language section of their store is a disgrace. Worse than not having a Spanish section at all. They have what would appear to be the complete works of Nicholas Sparks, the hack who wrote The Notebook, translated into Spanish yet not a single copy of Don Quijote in the original language graces their shelves. I don't know what left me more shocked and appalled... that or the fact that they stuffed some book entitled "Todo Sobre el Orgasmo" right between "El Catechismo de la Iglesia Cátolica" and "La Santa Biblia." ¡Diablos!<br /><br /><b>c. December 10, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Customer: One ticket for The Royal Palace<br />Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. We don't have a movie called The Royal Palace playing here.<br />Customer: Yes you do.<br />Cashier: No we don't.<br />Customer: I don't know what time its showing but you do have a movie called The Royal Palace<br />Cashier: No we don't.<br /><i>fast forward through a few minutes of more of the same</i><br />Cashier: What is this Royal Palace movie about anyway?<br />Customer: You know what it is. That one with James Bond.<br /><br /><b>c. December 10, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A twelve year old girl at the theater for a birthday party read my nametag and apparently drew a conclusion or two based on my name.<br /><br />Twelve year old girl: Are you Julia Roberts's husband?<br />Me: EGAD NO! BLIMEY SHE'S ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY MOTHER!!!!. But she isn't.<br /><br />The mother of the birthday child, who was probably about the same age as Julia Roberts, appeared to take a small degree of offense but made no comment. A few minutes later...<br /><br />Same twelve year old girl: Can I call you Mr. Roberts or do I have to call you Jonathan?<br /><br />After the tour...<br /><br />Yet again the same twelve year old girl: Is the movie going to be full?<br />Me: Don't worry about that. You have reserved seats.<br />Yet again the same twelve year old girl: Is someone guarding them?<br />Me: No, but they are labeled as reserved seating<br />Yet again the same twelve year old girl: What if someone is sitting in our seats?<br />Me: I'm a sumo wrestler. I think I can deal with that.<br /><br /><b>c. December 11, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />One of my friends was using a bright electric blue feather duster at work so I plundered a feather from it to put in my pimp hat. Its awesome.<br /><br />Last night at work I was wearing the hat (with the feather) and a customer asked if I was a pimp. I told her I was and that I had to go work at my pimp job after I got done with the theater. That must have impressed her because she asked me for my autograph. I felt compelled to oblige but she also asked me to hire her cousin and that was the sort of request to I couldn't acquiesce... one has to draw the line somewhere.<br /><br /><b>c. December 22 ,2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I recently purchased a very normal, ordinary, mundane, boring run o' the mill pimp cane with a beady red-eyed cobra head handle to go along with the pimp coat I posted about on here and all my other pimp attire... from ebay, just like the coat. The listing certainly made it sound mundane but the seller forgot to mention that the cobra head handle unscrews from the body of the cane and also that there is a rather serious-looking dagger attached to the handle. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand... its a freaking sweet sword cane (which I suppose is kind of redundant... sword canes in general are freaking sweet) but on the other hand... I can't exactly trample into the theater with it because technically according to the Regal Entertainment Group employee handbook such things are classified as weapons and I could actually get fired for "carrying or brandishing a weapon."<br /><br />Out of all the things I could possibly ever imagine getting fired for I suppose "carrying or brandishing a sword cane" would at least make for a good story but the novelty of being unemployed and writing that in the section of job applications where potential employers ask you if you have ever been terminated or suspended from a previous job and request an explanation if the answer is yes would eventually wear off, most likely before a hardened, convicted sword cane-brandishing rogue was able to find another job so I'm obviously only going to be able to use this cane in social situations despite the fact that its fairly obvious that I would never run recklessly amok stabbing people left and right in the theater with unbridled abandon just because I have a sword cane even if it is exactly the sort of job that could make an otherwise non-violent person want to do something of that nature on occasion. I am obviously not the stabbing type but if I were its not like we don't have scissors lying around at the customer service desk.<br /><br />Drat, I'm going to have to get another cobra head handle cane WITHOUT a big dagger inside of it now. At least I have a freaking sweet sword cane.<br /><br /><b>c. April 18, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I took a marine ecology class in a summer program at the Duke University Marine Lab when I was a lot younger and the other kids at my table and I had an aquarium that we threw all sorts of random aquatic creatures into. One of the random aquatic creatures was a very mild-mannered snail and another one was a hermit crab. We put about five different empty shells in there for the hermit crab to choose from when the time came for him to leave his shell and move into a new one but instead of moving into any of the shells we so carefully selected he grabbed the snail with one of his claws right about where the snail's jugular would be if snails had jugulars and ripped it out of its shell, cast the snail corpse aside and took the snail's shell as its own, right in front of me.<br /><br />Or the time my crackhead neighbors in St. Louis owed their crack dealer money and didn't pay so their crack dealer sent a couple of thugs over to break into their house and rob them blind in the middle of the afternoon one day but the stupid thugs got the address wrong and robbed the house next door instead. The crackhead neighbors ended up getting evicted not much later after that anyway because apparently they hadn't been making their mortgage payments either so its not like they were just holding out on their crack dealer. They really didn't have the money.<br /><br /><b>c. September 2, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />My mother's reaction to me wearing a long peacock feather in my hat<br /><br />My Mum: Is that a new feather?<br />Me: Yes!<br />My Mum: People are going to start to think that your line of work is... <i>awkward pause as she searches for the right words...</i> finding work for prostitutes.<br />Me: Oh, no... it isn't like that.<br />My Mom: <i>in a disapproving mother tone of voice</i> That's what it looks like!<br />Me: Idon'tdothat!SorryIhavetogotoworknowbye! <i>exit stage left</i><br /><br /><b>c. October 14, 2007 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A #3 combo is a medium soft drink &amp; a medium popcorn. This information is relevant.<br /><br />Customer Lady: I'll have a #3 combo without popcorn<br />Me: Without popcorn... like a bag full of butter?<br />Customer Lady: What?<br />Me: The #3 combo comes with a medium popcorn, but I could just give you a bag of butter instead with maybe just one or two pieces of popcorn floating on top I guess.<br />Customer Lady: Haha. Sorry, I meant without butter but that's how my husband likes it.<br />Me: So you're enjoying the chance for butter-free popcorn while you're here alone with the kids?<br />Customer Lady: Yeah!<br />Me: Its a very divisive issue. I see couples argue about whether they're getting butter or not all the time here.<br />Customer Lady: Haha.<br />Me: Actually when I ask a lady out I ask her about that first, so there won't be any trouble, just to get it out of the way first... like "if we went to a movie together would you insist on getting a lot of butter on your popcorn? Is that non-negotiable?" Because if it is, then there's no way that's going to work out.<br /><br />Of course that's a load of bollocks because I don't eat popcorn when I go to see a movie, with or without a lady. Not that I've seen a movie with a lady in ages but that's neither here nor there. </span>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-vii-several-tales-none-of-which.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-7794413006460212228Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:17:00 +00002011-04-28T02:17:06.272-07:00VOLUME VI - She Asked My Hat For Its Number and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. May 26, 2006 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />Damsel In Distress Over A Regal Crown Club Issue: I forgot to use my Regal Crown Club card when I purchased my tickets.<br />Me: No problem. Just give me your card...<br />Damsel In Distress Over A Regal Crown Club Issue: <i>gives me her Regal Crown Club (TM) card</i><br />Me: ...and I'll be keeping this now because you are obviously not responsible enough to be trusted with your own Regal Crown Club card.<br /><br /><b>c. June 11, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I had a strange zen moment at work today. It kind of sucked... work, that is. Not the zen moment. I suppose someone had been stuffing nacho chips into trays and dropped a glove on the floor or knocked a glove on the floor whilst brushing off the counter. A few hours later I was walking behind the poppers in the middle of trying to do a million things at once and I spotted the solitary glove on the floor. It had fallen on the floor in such a manner that it appeared to be personally shooting me the bird. A solitary, typical food service industry glove shooting me the bird... it was the perfect symbol of everything that had transpired in the theater this morning/afternoon, this week and pretty much since the day I started working there. The beauty of the symbolism struck me and I was at peace with Regal Cinemas for a moment but it quickly passed.<br /><br /><b>c. June 24, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br />At the movie theater tonight...<br /><br />Saucy Little Wench: Nice hat! I love your hat its cute! You' re so cute!!!!!<br />Me: It's all the hat. Without the hat I'm nothing. <i>takes off hat</i><br />Saucy Little Wench: You're right. Nice hat, though. Its so cute!<br /><br /><b>c. November 11, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Quotes from ten year old children during a birthday party/projection tour today<br /><br />Me: Is there anything else you would like to see up here before your movie?<br />Ten year old kid 1: Saw 3!<br /><br />Me: That is a 3000 watt bulb, its one of the most dangerous things up here. If you tried to touch it it would burn your hand off.<br />Ten year old kid 2: <i>points to Mr. Obert, who is 6'5" </i>(Editor's Note: He is actually 6'7") <i>and in excess of 300 pounds</i> Is he dangerous?<br /><br /><b>c. November 23, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />While watching the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys with my mum...<br /><br />Announcer: Witten takes out a Dallas cheerleader<br />My Mum: No he didn't! He knocked a cheerleader down... but he might have liked to have taken her out<br />Me: That would be a violation of NFL policy<br />My Mum: Really? NFL players aren't allowed to date cheerleaders?<br />Me: No, not at all.<br />My Mum: That's Regal's policy too, right?<br />Me: Not that I'm aware of. I think I'm allowed to date NFL cheerleaders<br /><br />Not that I would want to date with an NFL cheerleader or that any NFL cheerleader would ever want to date with me. Especially not from Dallas. Ick. But if for some reason I ever did I'm fairly sure that my employer would not object and I wouldn't lose my job over it. But apparently what she meant is that managers at Regal aren't allowed to date with each other. Which is true.<br /><br /><b>c. November 30, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br />I had the honour today of conducting a tour of our projection booth for a little girl's seventh birthday party at the theater today. Birthday party tours are one of the few things I'm actually really good at but one tricky thing is that the kids always want to look through the port glass and enjoy the novelty of watching a movie from upstairs whilst walking around and... with twenty-two screens often nearly that many children it can sometimes be difficult to keep them in an area where every single movie they might possibly expose themselves to is rated G or PG. Its usually not tooooo bad if the kids are closer to 10-13 years of age but I try to be careful with groups as young as the one I had today.<br /><br />Unfortunately I had made my mind up to let the birthday girl push the start button on the projector to start the movie. The kids usually love that part and its so cool to see their eyes light up with excitement when they realize that they actually started a movie for all the people downstairs watching it! This time the only movie starting at a convenient time for such an event was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest in auditorium #16 and to get there I had to escort them all past auditorium #14 which was playing the best dog gone motion picture ever made... SNAKES ON A PLANE! The birthday girl's father had already almost freaked out because they had all been crowding around the window checking out Invincible and the scene playing at the time happened to be on a plane... he had worriedly asked me "that's not that snake movie is it???? Horror of horrors!" so I was hoping that if I rushed them along quickly enough, warning them that if we didn't hurry the movie would get started late they might stay focused and not get distracted by that Baron of Bad M-th-rf-ck-rs, Samuel L. Jackson but one girl had to ask which movie that was playing as we walked by #14.<br /><br />I told her... "nothing interesting at all. You wouldn't want to see it anyway. Too many snakes and you're not old enou---" and she interrupted by screaming "I LOVE RATTLESNAKES!!! I WANT TO SEE THAT!!!!!," and jumping up and down. The birthday girl's father was... a little concerned. I hurried everyone along doubly-quick to avoid exposing impressionable young children to the visceral horror of vicious snake attacks... but I have to admit it made me smile to see a little kid so young as excited as I was about Snakes on a Plane.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-vi-she-asked-my-hat-for-its.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-381328423609239031Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:16:00 +00002011-04-28T02:16:08.468-07:00VOLUME V - I’m Not That Jonathan Roberts, I’m The Jonathan Roberts and Other Tales<span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. November 5, 2005 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />It's about 3 AM and I recently got home from an 11.5 hour shift at work and found this in my e-mail:<br /><br />Subject: I LOVE YOU<br />From: namedeleted@calpoly.edu<br /><br /><i>I hope I remembered you email address right! Anyway it's Diane and I love you<br />and just wanted to be one of the many to get your emails while you're away in<br />Japan. You are superb!!<br /><br />Hope you are having fun<br /><br />Diholio</i><br /><br />to which I replied:<br /><br />Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU<br />To: namedeleted@calpoly.edu<br /><br /><i>Diane,<br /><br />I'm sorry but I think you remembered someone's email address incorrectly :(<br /><br />As much as I would love to go to Japan (because I am obsessed with<br />sumo and I want to see it live instead of watching it on a streaming<br />video at 2 or 3 AM local time) I have no serious plans to go there in<br />the near future.<br /><br />On the other hand, I admit I am superb but the Japan thing is still<br />making me seriously doubt that I was the intended recipient of your<br />email. Sorry, and good luck trying to remember the correct email<br />address before your friend leaves for Japan!<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Jonathan Roberts</i><br /><br />The next day she replied<br /><br />Subject: Re: Re: I LOVE YOU<br />From: namedeleted@calpoly.edu<br /><br /><i>You sound a lot cooler than the Jon Roberts I was trying to email earlier.<br />He's kind of a douche bag. Wanna be best friends?<br /><br />Diane</i><br /><br />She's probably right. I sound a lot cooler than most people but I obviously already have enough best friends, you know? I sent her one last message.<br /><br />Subject: Re: Re: Re: I LOVE YOU<br />To: namedeleted@calpoly.edu<br /><br /><i>Thanks. Not to brag or anything but I sound a lot cooler than most<br />people. I'm sorry to hear that the other Jon Roberts you know is kind<br />of a douche bag. It's a shame that he isn't a little closer to the<br />Samuel L. Jackson end of the coolness scale than the douche bag end<br />the way I am. :(</i><br /><br /><b>c. November 12, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />From: namedeleted@calpoly.edu<br />Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU<br /><br /><i>Wait, so your telling me that this is really not Jon Roberts, the love of my<br />life who left me to go to Japan, but another "Jonathan" Roberts with the same<br />email address that I thought I remember my Jon Roberts telling me?</i><br /><br />Yeah, that's exactly what I've been saying! Maybe I should have chosen a more distinctive e-mail address when I registered for gmail but I wanted something at least semi-professional sounding, not like iamthedreadpiraterobertsandiwillplunderyourbooty@gmail.com although maybe I should get that one too if it isn't already taken.<br /><br /><b>c. March 7, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />My break last night was amusing. I went to Borders after I had eaten to look around and a young lady mistook me for the manager of Borders and asked me to help her find The Phantom of the Opera... I helped her look for about five minutes and we eventually found one version from 1989 and another version from a long time ago starring Lon Chaney but she wanted the most recent movie version so I wasn't really much help. She asked if I could look for it in the back room for her so I told her "actually I don't really work here" and she apologized many times while I laughed uncontrollably.<br /><br /><b>c. March 11, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />My mom saw me leaving for work wearing my Sugar Daddy tie yesterday.<br /><br />Mom: You may not want to wear that!<br />Me: Why not? It matches my belt.<br />Mom: It has another connotation... a rich, old guy who has a young girlfriend who is only with him to get expensive presents!<br />Me: Ohhhhh<br /><br /><b>c. March 2, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />6:00 PM EST: I arrived at work<br /><br />8:00 PM EST: A very angry man informs me that he came to the theater to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with a group from his church, expecting it to have some kind of biblical content because it had the word "chronicles" in the title but that it in fact did not have any relation whatsoever to the Bible and that he was very upset and wanted a refund.<br /><br />He was expecting something Old Testament, like a movie about the books of I Chronicles and II Chronicles with King Saul, King David, Jonathan and all those people, not an allegorical story about the descent of man into sin, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, man's redemption and all that. He didn't seem to have noticed any symbolism in Aslan's sacrificing his life for Edmund and coming back to life to defeat the Witch and Jesus's death and resurrection.<br /><br />I obviously made the mistake of assuming that someone who went to church and went to see movies with people from his church might actually know something about the Bible. Egad.<br /><br />9:00 PM EST: One of my box office cashiers asks an intoxicated young gentleman to show her his ID after he asks for two tickets to an R-rated movie. Suddenly I find myself in the box office with him screaming at me "I support this theater but I'm not showing f***ing ID to see a movie. I'll go somewhere else!" I tell him that would be a good idea and he begins to walk away. Then he returns and says "you should shave your face, it would be more appropriate for a manager." I somehow restrain myself from retorting "you should avoid taking your girlfriend out to see a movie and making a drunken ass of yourself in front of her and hundreds of other people in public. It would be more appropriate for a young gentleman" as he storms off.<br /><br />11:00 PM EST: A man comes in and asks if he can have a refund for a ticket to the 10:45 PM show of Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith from 6/11/05. He said he purchased it for a friend and the friend never showed up. I give him a free pass instead of a refund... its not really a big deal and it sucks when friends bail out after you have already paid for their ticket so I understand.<br /><br />Then he says "my friend always does that, actually can I have passes for these too?" and shows me tickets to:<br /><br />Veer-Zaara - 4:30 PM show on 11/16/04<br />The Hulk - 10:45 PM show on 7/7/03<br />Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle - date and showtime unreadable<br />The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - date and showtime also unreadable<br /><br />4:34 AM EST: We finally finish closing and I begin to give a co-worker a ride home. He got in an accident and has no transportation so he had to spend the previous night SLEEPING IN THE BLOODY THEATER and he looks like hell so there is no way I can force him to do that again.<br /><br />5:15 AM EST: Arrive at co-worker's apartment and drop him off.<br /><br />5:16 AM EST: Use restroom in co-worker's apartment before driving myself home and notice a conspicuously displayed copy of "Playboy Vixens" resting on the back of the toilet. Raise an eyebrow but with no intention of ever bringing it up.<br /><br />5:17 AM EST: Co-worker randomly and quite awkwardly says to me on my way out "sorry about the magazine. Its not mine, its my roommate's." I tell him not to worry about it and leave.<br /><br />6:05 AM EST: Arrive home.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. March 18, 2006 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />In an attempt to thwart would-be thieves all prints of King Kong in the US were shipped to local cinemas in boxes labeled with the print's code name, "Tiny Dancer," rather than the movie's actual title.<br /><br /><b>c. March 23, 1006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br /><b>Little Kid: </b>Lord of the Rings, please<br /><b>Me: </b>I'm sorry, we don't have that movie<br /><b>Little Kid: </b>I meant King Kong<br /><b>Me: </b>Ok... they're both Peter Jackson...<br /><b>Little Kid</b>: Is there any nudity in King Kong?<br /><b>Me: </b>No. Except King Kong himself. He doesn't wear any clothes.<br /><br /><b>c. March 20, 2006 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />The system which abbreviates long movie titles so they fit on the tickets and marquee signs is highly automated and we have very little control over how it abbreviates things. Our tickets for Fun With Dick and Jane miraculously manage to print out with the title as "Dick &amp; Jane" but we were not so fortunate with the marquee sign above the auditorium where it is playing. I heard that yesterday a group of schoolgirls was sighted whipping out their cameras to snap photographs of the sign above the auditorium #11 doorway reading "FUN WITH DICK" and giggling like, well, schoolgirls for lack of a better term.</span></span>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-v-im-not-that-jonathan-roberts.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-6772751758666224458Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:15:00 +00002011-04-28T02:15:09.979-07:00VOLUME IV - My Insulin Pump Stays Connected and Other Tales<span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. June 22, 2005 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />The highlight of the evening was when the floor managers ordered food from a local dining establishment and sent an employee to pick it up. I went on break and when I returned I caught the employee with the floor managers' food and told her to give the food to me, return empty-handed and tell the floor managers that she got attacked by pirates. I was amused but they were not so I graciously returned the plundered booty to them but I could have kept it.<br /><br /><b>c. July 7. 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br /><br />I left work around 10:15 PM EDT last night to go to the emergency room so I arrived at the ER in a suit with a very dapper hat and I dare say I was the best dressed person in the waiting room.<br /><br />Once I was admitted the nurse told me to remove my shirt, jacket and tie and put on a hospital gown but she didn't explicitly instruct me to remove the hat so the hat stayed on and I was still the best dressed person in a hospital gown but then I had to use the restroom and when I saw myself in the mirror I realized that I looked ridiculous. It didn't matter, the hat stayed on. I got out around 4 AM EDT and they seem to think I'm going to be ok.<br /><br /><br /><b>c. July 20, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I was stylin' on Sunday night with my retro disco suit but Monday night was an entirely different story. I put the disco suit back in the closet and wore something much more conventional but I forgot to bring a belt with me to work... I was walking and therefore I didn't actually walk to work in a suit. I brought it with me and changed on the premises at which time I discovered that I was beltless.<br /><br />Normally that wouldn't be a problem because I was in projection but I still haven't gained back the ten pounds I lost by giving up meat for lent so my pants won't really stay up without a belt. I could have gone to Target and purchased a new belt like I did when I forgot my shoes not too long ago but I decided that they had profited from my forgetfulness enough.<br /><br />I ended up digging into our bucket o' old, obsolete trailers, cutting off a suitable length of film, threading it through my belt loops and tying it securely. I walked around with film for a belt all night and I still laugh every time I think about it.<br /><br /><b>c. July 27, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />On Sunday night a couple of employees said that I must have been a big pimp in high school. Nothing could be further from the truth. I don't know where they get these ideas.<br /><br /><b>c. August 12, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />As I passed through the security checkpoint at the airport in Charlotte the security lady said she liked my hat. I like my hat too.<br /><br />The city of New York was obviously not ready for me. It had never seen anyone walking around like a pimp with a hat as great as mine, or so it would appear because random people were constantly starting conversations with me about my hat.<br /><br />Less than an hour after arriving in NYC I was walking down the street a gentleman told me he liked my hat and said I had to let him borrow it tomorrow night. I couldn't allow him to borrow it because I was returning home the next afternoon but I let him try it on and he said I was lucky it was too big for his head or he would keep it.<br /><br />Later during the concert a highly intoxicated fellow asked if he could borrow my hat so he could have a picture taken with it on. He wanted to look cool like me in my hat so I allowed it.<br /><br />After the show a homeless man walked up to me outside the venue and said "You are a bloodthirsty man. I can tell by the color of your hat that you are bloodthirsty." It was awesome.<br /><br /><b>c. September 9, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Employee: <i>displaying a bottle of bleach with the label torn off</i> Can you look at this and tell me if its bleach? <br />Me: <i>after taking cap off of bottle and looking inside</i> Hmmmm, I can't tell. Maybe you should taste it to find out.<br />Employee: Ok...<br />Me: <i>as the employee in question is, much to my surprise, about to taste the bleach</i> No, don't actually do that.<br />Employee: Why not?<br /><br />At this point I had to give employee a very stern lecture about acids, bases, the pH level of bleach, elementary school science experiments involving baking soda and lemon juice, stomach acids and the meaning of pain<br /><br />The moral of the story is that you shouldn't sarcastically encourage impressionable young college sophomores to do anything stupid and self-destructive because they might not know how stupid and self-destructive it is and furthermore there is a potential for them to actually do it.<br /><br /><b>c. October 1, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />She Who Will Not Be Named: They probably won't have those for much longer. (in reference to my insulin pump)<br />Me: Why not?<br />SWWNBN: It would be very inconvenient for some people.<br />Me: How?<br />SWWNBN: <i>in a saucy tone of voice</i> If you had a wife. (in reference to copulation)<br />Me: You can disconnect it for up to fifteen minutes with no problems.<br />SWWNBN: What if it takes more than fifteen minutes?<br />Me: You can disconnect it for up to an hour with no problems.<br />SWWNBN: What if it takes more than an hour?<br />Me: You can disconnect it for up to three hours if you check your blood sugar first and give yourself an injection with a needle.<br />SWWNBN: <i>in an extremely saucy tone of voice</i> What if it takes more than three hours? <br />Me: Then your fellow is a better man than I.<br />SWWNBN: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.<br /><br /><b>c. October 4, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A woman brought a little black poodle into the theater in her purse, Paris Hilton style. I politely said to her "I'm sorry ma'am but you can't bring your dog in the theater." She stared at me as if I had said something completely absurd and socially inappropriate such as "I'm sorry ma'am but you can't wear pants in the theater," for two minutes and then said "I heard you."<br /><br />She then proceeded to stare at me in the same manner for another two minutes so I repeated myself and offered her a full refund if she would like to leave with her dog and perhaps come back without her dog another time. She continued staring, oblivious to the fact that she was not going to get into her auditorium with her dog. The innocent dog, which I do not blame for any of this unpleasantness put it's nose on the counter of the concession stand while the woman continued staring and I thought about asking our security officer to try his luck at getting through to her. I was about to put that plan into action when she finally broke the awkward silence again by saying "I'll put him in the car."<br /><br />I was concerned about the well-being of the dog. Although it wasn't too hot I didn't think it could have done the dog much good to be locked in a car for two hours whilst his owner watched War of the Worlds so I asked her if her dog would be ok in the car. She elected not to reply and resumed her nonplussed stare so I walked off to attend to other business.<br /><br />Shortly afterwards she beckoned for me to come over as if I were her butler and said "I'll take a refund." I wasted no time in giving her a refund and watched her and her dog leave.<br /><br />I also sent an employee on break and he never came back all night so I had to write him up. I wrote "I sent (name withheld) on break at 7:54 PM, July 3rd, 2005. He never returned." It felt like I was writing a unsolved mysteries police report.<br /><br />It was definitely the most interesting day I have had at work in quite some time.<br /><br /><b>c. October 26, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />An edict was recently issued saying that projectionists are no longer allowed to use profanity in the booth log. Not that I was using profanity in the booth log to begin with but as a sign of solidarity with my brethren I have been trying to use the word "dog gone" as little as possible when writing in the booth log.<br /><br />Of course instead of writing "dog gone" tonight I wrote that I wanted to blow up a certain projector using dynamite. That might be a little worse. In semi-related news the VP is coming in tomorrow and may or may not read the booth log.</span>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-iv-my-insulin-pump-stays.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-7295690880650867689Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:12:00 +00002011-04-28T02:13:30.538-07:00VOLUME III - People Shouldn’t Attempt to Match My Legendary Feats and Other Tales<span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. March 13, 2005 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />Discussion at work was odd last night... we started talking about time travel and I wanted to know why Bill &amp; Ted never started Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Shipping Company and guaranteed previous day shipping. From there it turned to how time travel would lead to the downfall of humanity because everyone would procrastinate and say that they would go back in time to get their work done later but then one day they would die without ever having gotten their work done.<br /><br /><b>c. March 19, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Last night I closed with my least favourite co-worker. The powers that be have assigned her and I to work together on a promotion for the movie Racing Stripes. It's going to be a long couple of months.<br /><br />She randomly remarked "your beard grows so fast! You must have a lot of testosterone." What the blazes? I made up a story about sitting cross-legged on the floor in my bedroom and meditating upon the secrets of beard-growing for two (2) hours every night to make it grow faster whilst I am sleeping because quite frankly she has overstepped the bounds of professionalism.<br /><br /><b>c. April 11, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A woman inquired about group rates at the theater today and I politely told her that we do not have group rates so she flipped out and asked if she could get group rates on concession items and I once again politely informed her that we do not have group rates. Then she really flipped out and said "you are too young to be a manager and represent the theater!!!!!"<br /><br />I responded by telling her that when I was her age we didn't talk to movie theater managers like that and that we treated them with a little respect.<br /><br />Actually I didn't do that at all. She asked if she asked if she could speak to someone higher up than I but there wasn't anyone higher up than I in the theater at the time so I duped her by calling another manager who is younger than I and not higher up than I on the radio, but much smoother than I with the ladies and requesting his assistance. He proceeded to inform her that we do not offer group rates on tickets or concession items but he did escort her to the concession stand and read the menu to her aloud as if she were functionally illiterate. That calmed her down a bit and she bought twelve (12) tickets for Fat Albert.<br /><br />She gave the other manager no trouble at all and did not question his qualifications for his position. Oddly enough he is a full year younger than I.<br /><br />Later she returned to the customer service desk to request a refund for one (1) of the tickets because one (1) member of her party never showed up. I gave her a refund and she was very friendly. We had a polite conversation about how Fat Albert sends a positive message to children. I told her the movie had a positive message but the cartoon was even better. I think she was taken aback by the revelation that I was old enough to remember Fat Albert in animated form.<br /><br />Then she asked me if the characters were really based on real people and I told her that they were all based on Bill Cosby's friends that he grew up with on the streets of Philadelphia and that Mr. Cosby based the kid in the blue shirt on himself. It was quite cordial, unlike our earlier conversation, mostly due to my restraint in not informing her of how much of an idiot she was.<br /><br /><b>c. April 12, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Grr. Work wasn't bad today until 5:45 PM when I was done with all my projection business and there were no more movies starting before the end of my shift and I made the mistake of going downstairs. I should remember never to go downstairs unless I am forced to.<br /><br />Two (2) employees were working on preparations for the Racing Stripes promo, as they should have been. Or so they had me believe. They had all sorts of various and sundry arts &amp; crafts materials in the birthday party room. For reasons unbeknownst to me they had blue paint. I don't need to know.<br /><br />What I do need to know is how the blue paint ended up all over the forearm and hand of one of the ushers. He came out to concessions with his arm all blue so I asked him "why do you have blue paint all over your arm?," and he said "(name removed) had a paint issue."<br /><br />I wasn't sure what that meant so I walked down to the birthday party room, where I found the blue paint but the employee in question was nowhere to be found. I didn't feel like looking for her or the other employee working on promo junk so I left a note for the two (2) of them that said:<br /><br /><i>(name removed) &amp; (name removed),<br />Write an explanation of why (name removed)'s arm is blue and give it to a manager to put it in my box. Remember, this is the Racing Stripes promo, not the Smurf movie promo.<br /><br />Mr. Roberts</i><br /><br />But I fear that my point may have been lost upon them because they are only seventeen (17) years of age and I don't know if anyone younger than twenty (20) knows what a smurf is.<br /><br />I can't wait to see their explanation. This better be good or I am going to smurf someone up.</span><br /><br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. April 19, 2005 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />I saw a car with a license plate that said GO DIE. I'm mad that I didn't think of that first.<br /><br /><b>c. May 1, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Last night discussion of the upcoming snow turned to discussion of snowball fights and I think everyone at work now thinks I'm an evil bastard because once when I was a young and foolish university student I made a snowball and put it in the refrigerator until I heard my roommate coming back from class. Then I took it out and beaned him as soon as he opened the door. Is that a crime?<br /><br /><b>c. May 2, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I am riding a two (2) week hot streak of not dropping the Eucharist in front of the entire congregation at mass. Represent<br /><br /><b>c. May 10, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I'm a bad influence on my fellow movie theater managers. Maybe when I tell them outlandish but true stories about my life I should issue a disclaimer so they won't try to be as awesome as me.<br /><br />A few days ago I was innocently enjoying my dinner when another manager noticed that my dinner consisted of five (5) junior bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy's and he thought that was a lot. I told him it wasn't really that much because they were only small <b>junior</b> bacon cheeseburgers and that really they were nothing compared to the two (2) <b>one pound</b> burgers I ate at Fuddruckers once.<br /><br />Needless to say, I worked with him again tonight and found out that since the Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger incident he had taken it upon himself to go to Fuddruckers and tackle the one (1) pound burger but he couldn't finish it.<br /><br />I laughed at him. So what if I'm harsh.<br /><br />He wanted to know the secret of finishing off two (2) one pound burgers in one sitting. There really isn't any secret to it. It's not like I skipped any meals that day. I'm glad he didn't end up seriously hurting himself. People who are not me shouldn't try a lot of the things I do.<br /><br /><b>c. May 27, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />I wore a rather ordinary, plain but brightly-coloured orange tie which contrasted quite sharply with my deep blue shirt today.<br /><br />A polite eighty (80) year old lady with a degree in psychology (masters, I think) who works at the theater told me "I know this is going to embarrass you but ties are phallic symbols and with all your ties you appear to be 'advertising.'"<br /><br />Incidents like that are why I have never had any interest whatsoever in the field of psychology. I merely happen to be an extremely stylish fellow with excellent taste in neckwear. There isn't anything else to infer. Egad.<br /><br /><b>c. May 29, 2005 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />A very irate woman at the theater told me that a man had cut in front of her in line at the concession stand and she pointed him out to me. She said that because of him she was going to be late for her movie.<br /><br />I asked her what she would like from concessions and offered to get it for her without making her wait in line so she would not be late because she was so irate. She stared at me as if I had asked her "so, would you like me to pick anything up from the local crack dealer for you before the show?," so I repeated my offer. She responded to my second attempt by pointing out the man who had allegedly cut in front of her and saying "I want you to stop him and make him late for his movie too!"<br /><br />To put that in perspective... this woman appeared to be in her early to mid-thirties, not elementary school. I told her that I could not do that but I would do anything I could to help her get into her movie on time. She only insisted with increasing vehemence that the only proper way for me to respond to her complaint was to hold the guy up and not let him into the movie until it had already started. She did not want restitution. All she wanted was vengeance and vigilante justice!<br /><br />Sadly, I am not in the habit of dishing out vigilante justice of that sort in my workplace, and even if I was what the blazes was I going to do? Approach the man and inform him that I was sending him to time out and make him sit in the corner for fifteen (15) minutes? Egad!<br /><br />The woman stormed off and gave him a vicious tongue-lashing on her own which probably did make him late... then she found another manager and flipped out on him... found another manager and flipped out on her... found me again and said to me "I told someone about you not doing anything and now you are in trouble." Unbeknownst to her I am not in the least bit of trouble.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-iii-people-shouldnt-attempt-to.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-4831454693546361424Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:11:00 +00002011-04-28T02:11:29.986-07:00VOLUME II - Nobody Plunders My Booty and Other Tales<span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><strong>c. November 17, 2004 Anno Domini</strong></span><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />People are so stupid. Some girl in the box office said "Jonathan needs a girlfriend," so I skeptically asked her "what would I do with a girlfriend?," and she said "ummmmmmmmm," and couldn't think of anything. I can't stand people.<br /><br /><b>c. November 21, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />In Regal news customers have been failing to demonstrate the ability to recite the title of the movie they want to see. The following incidents occurred yesterday while I was in the box office:<br /><br />Customer 1: One ticket to Up The Creek<br />Me: You mean Without A Paddle?<br />Customer 1: Up The Creek, please<br />Me: <i>Gives customer ticket to Without A Paddle and hopes he doesn't notice</i><br /><br />Customer 2: Collateral Damage<br />Me: How many?<br />Customer 2: Two for Collateral Damage<br />Me: Prints tickets for Collateral and thinks "ay ay ay"<br /><br />Customer 3: One student for Napoleon Bonaparte<br />Me: Napoleon Dynamite?<br />Customer 3: Whatever<br />Me: Napoleon Bonaparte was a French warlord who conquered most of Europe!<br /><br /><b>c. December 12, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Today I went to work. I was in projection once again. I think they are sending me up there four times per week until I finally get it right once, so it may be a while before I get back downstairs.<br /><br />I learned how to fix a major catastrophic problem tonight in the same manner that I always learn how to fix major catastrophic problems up there: causing a major catastrophic problem and groveling for someone far more experienced than I to lend her/his expertise and then watching while she/he fixes it. At this rate I'm going to learn how to fix the entire building when it explodes into a cataclysmic fireball in about three days if I don't get my act together.<br /><br />As I was on my way out an irksome little girl turned away from watching her friends play DDR to say "you look nice." I glared menacingly and told her "grrrrrr I disagree," and proceeded with my business and paid her no more attention. She seemed to be oblivious to the fact that it was not Halloween and also to the fact that even if it were Halloween "prostitute" is not an acceptable costume for a fifteen year old girl to go trick-or-treating in. Kids these days arrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh.<br /><br /><b>c. December 19, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Last evening an employee of Regal Entertainment Group informed me that he dreamed that he was in and old Japanese style room with waterfalls and stuff like that and I was standing in the other side of my room with my arms crossed ignoring him. He said "I bet I could overthrow you," and I continued ignoring him so he charged at me and tried to throw me down into one of the cascading waterfalls but he was unable to move me. I continued ignoring him whilst he attempted to throw me.<br /><br />That guy has cool dreams.<br /><br /><b>c. December 20, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br />An employee noticed a poster for a new movie starring the infamous Katie Holmes yesterday and started rambling about how great Katie Holmes was and how she wished she could be as beautiful as Ms. Katie Holmes so I told her "you don't to be like Katie Holmes because then I would hate you like I hate her." She gave me no choice but to explain the sound basis for my hatred towards Ms. Holmes which is that Katie Holmes made me late for class once.<br /><br />I was running a minute behind on my way to class so I took off sprinting in hopes of arriving on time but unfortunately for all parties involved there was a filming of Dawson's Creek taking place on my campus that day and the set happened to be directly in the quickest path from my dorm to my class and as I reached the set I was forced to take a rather lengthy detour and despite my prowess as a sprinter I arrived a full minute late. It's all the fault of Katie Holmes. I hope she gets scurvy.<br /><br />Today, after I mowed the lawn a couple of my friends drove by to abduct me for various and sundry hijinks such as going to the mall, Wendy's and the theater to see Hero. Wendy's and the theater passed rather uneventfully, least by my standards. Nothing too out of the ordinary for this group of people happened. I wish I could say the same for the mall.<br /><br />As usual we gravitated towards Hot Topic for some reason. Probably because they usually have one or two cool pirate shirts there. I'm all about the pirate shirts. Anyway I purchased one with a picture of a pirate that said "Brought to you by the letter arrrrr!," and was quite satisfied with the style of the shirt. Also today was declared International Talk Like A Pirate Day although that is every day for me so I didn't care that much. It just meant that I had a lot of posers trying to copy my style today.<br /><br />One of those posers was working on the register at Hot Topic and rang up my purchase. I should have just plundered it and absconded but that would have resulted in incarceration so I didn't. The last place I wanted to spend International Talk Like A Pirate Day was in ye olde state penitentiary. That would have been a traumatic experience of epic proportions.<br /><br />The cashier did have a splendid pirate shirt so I said to him "Arrrr matey, I be fancying ye shirt," and I guess he thought I was coming onto him or something although I honestly only meant that I appreciated the pirateyness of his shirt. Grrrrrrrrr. What is wrong with our society? You can't compliment a brotha on his shirt without it getting taken the wrong way.<br /><br />Anyway he proceeded to mack all over me and also tried to sell me a pirate belt with a jolly roger belt buckle. At this point I was feeling quite uncomfortable. I tried to back out of the conversation when he said that the belt buckle included a beer can opener by asking "why does it have a beer bottle opener and not a rum bottle opener? WHAT KIND OF PIRATE DRINKS BEER? PIRATES ONLY DRINK RUM!!!!!!" and at this point I may or may not have been attracting a wee bit of undue attention from the other patrons of the establishment.<br /><br />He said he didn't know what kind of pirate drinks beer because he wasn't around back then so I said "WELL I WAS AROUND BACK THEN AND WE ONLY DRANK RUM AND WHEN WE RAN OUT OF RUM WE JUST DRANK SEA WATER BECAUSE BY THAT POINT WE USUALLY COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY BUT WE NEVER DRINK BEER!!!!!!" and exited</span>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-ii-nobody-plunders-my-booty-and.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635556133811505367.post-1322215584372580672Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:09:00 +00002011-04-28T02:09:55.934-07:00VOLUME I - Indecent Exposure in the Movie Theater and Other Tales<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; punctuation-wrap: simple;"><b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">c. February 26, 2004 Anno Domini</span></b><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, &quot;serif&quot;; font-size: 12pt; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;"><br /><br />A kid from work apparently went into the back room where my drink was and took a sip of it when I wasn't looking because he told me he took a sip of my drink and I didn't notice. Since he's a total sugar freak I asked if he knew it was diet and he said yes. I asked him if he was ok with that and he said yes but then stopped to think for a moment and then inquired "wait... am I going to get diabetes now?" and being the irrepressible prankster that I am I told him "yes, it's a highly communicable disease... you probably just caught it from me" and he asked "no, really?" and I said "yes, really!" At that point he started getting worried because he believed every word of it so I told him that he should probably see a doctor, and he might not ever be able to have an Icee again (he's a serious Icee addict, just like I used to be with Skittles) and his eyes started sinking back into his sockets in fear and I couldn't bear to leave him in that state for more than a few minutes so I just talked about diabetic life for a few minutes and then let him in on the joke and he wasn't very amused.<br /><br /><b>c. July 21, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Today was perhaps the worst day of my career in the theatre industry. I didn't break any expensive neon lights or run out of popcorn and I only offended two customers but if you had been there you would agree that they really had no business being offended at all and for once it wasn't my fault. I didn't welcome them to the Caribbean or call them love. I didn't give them the wrong beverage or but butter on their unbuttered popcorn. I just did the one thing I was hoping I would never have to do at work.<br /><br />Twas worse than box. Worse than cleaning up vomit. Worse than sweeping around the compactor. Worse than cleaning up vomit from around the compactor without a mop or even a broom. I had to throw out a teenage couple caught in flagrante delicto. I was indeed rather traumatized by the incident, seeing as how I had never before seen two (or more) people engaged in flagrante delicto before. I realize I am overusing the phrase "in flagrante delicto" but it's the most eloquent way of putting it that I can think of now.<br /><br />I don't think it would have been so awkward if they hadn't ignored me and continued with their flagrante delictofication the first time I said "excuse me, what is going on here?" They were... shameless about it so I had to tell them "stop that right now" to get their attention. Thankfully they did stop, and after allowing them a moment to gather themselves I told them that they would have to leave the theater and the guy remarked "I can't believe this." What part of getting thrown out of a movie theater for that kind of behavior did he not understand? There had already been a complaint from another customer who was trying to watch the same movie and found their actions to be disturbing. Kids these days! :( Anyway I threw them out the exit door and told them to never come back. Why can't people just stay out of flagrante delicto in public, eh?<br /><br /><b>c. July 28, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Some might say that the only good rat is a dead rat, but as any employee of my theater should know that isn't entirely true. Dead rats are just as bad as live rats... not that we have living or dead rats in the theater but we have a large number of dead mice (which are close enough) and they tend to accumulate beneath the counters in concessions. Due to some executive decision from higher up in the corporate hierarchy today was designated to be dead mice removal day and two were found while I was on break. One was found shortly after I returned. Sadly I was deprived of the opportunity to prove my valour in disposing of them because our box office worker needed a break and I needed to run the box office and while I was there three more were found, so by the time I returned to my post in concessions six dead mice had been found in the front line. I added two more to the total myself shortly thereafter, bringing the body count up to eight and salvaging a shred of my honour. We continued searching the back line and found nothing other than a knit wool cap. I can't imagine how that got there. None of them had little Reepicheep swords.<br /><br /><b>c. August 20, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Bratty kids that get thrown out of the movie theater for misbehaviour sometimes speak wisdom. Three of them were sitting on the curb as I was sweeping the sidewalk and they asked how old I was... since I was in a rather pleasant mood due to my impending departure I answered the question and they followed it up by asking if I went to college and where so I answered those questions too and the ringleader piped in to say "No way! If you graduated from Duke you wouldn't be working here." I have to admit there is a certain degree of truth to that, or at least there should be.<br /><br /><b>c. September 27, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />An elf, a man and a dwarf walk into a tavern. The elf says "May I please have a glass of your finest elvish mead?," and the bartender replies "indeed you may, tis a fine choice if I do say so myself." The man says "I'll have a beer," and the bartender replies "one beer it is, sir." The dwarf says "bring me a pint of your strongest ale!," and the bartender looks down and says "No. We are prohibited by the laws of the realm from serving miners."<br /><br /><b>c. October 11, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Tonight during my break I was most rudely propositioned for oral sex in the parking lot. A brown sedan rolled up next to me as I was returning from my break and the passenger rolled the window down and requested that I "suck [his] dick." I told him in no uncertain terms that I would do no such thing but he was apparently a bit of a dullard because he repeated his request and at that point I was seriously tempted to throw the remainder of my fries through the car window into his face but then I remembered that my fries were delicious and I wanted to eat the rest of them so I did not throw them at him.<br /><br />Then I very nearly yelled something very inappropriate but I remembered that I was in my official Regal Entertainment Group uniform including polo shirt and hat and I must remain strictly professional at all times while in uniform and quite frankly accusing a customer of the sort of indecency of which I was inclined to accuse him is highly unprofessional, even by my standards. He even had the stereotypical "molester mustache" ick ick ick.<br /><br />In conclusion I offered him a french fry out of politeness in the spirit of turning the other cheek but he declined and drove off. I glared at the car menacingly until it was out of sight. The incident put me in a foul mood for the rest of the evening.<br /><br />I want a job in which I don't get accosted by sexually deviant perverts. Is that too much to ask?<br /><br /><b>c. October 15, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Apparently everyone working concessions on Tuesday morning/afternoon sold a grand total of 19 combos with their powers combined. I wasn't there. On Wednesday I sold 18 combos betwixt the hours of twelve and six and for my efforts I was rewarded with a coupon for one free item at Wendy's because apparently combo sales have been less than lackluster as of late and management is under pressure to improve that figure.<br /><br />In any event I wasn't about to complain about free Wendy's food although honestly I don't believe in such incentives because I think I should sell combos because it's my bloody job and I agree to do it as part of the terms of employment and if I don't like it I have every right to notify Regal Entertainment Group of my intent to not to my job and then leave to find a new one. No incentive other than the knowledge that I am not a lazy incompetent slacker should be necessary but I do frequent the local Wendy's so I accepted the most generous offer.<br /><br />Only today while gazing upon the coupon as it lied on my dresser did I realized that it had "EXPIRES DECEMBER 31, 2003" printed upon it. If I was Mr. Peabody, Marty McFly, Ted "Theodore" Logan or Bill S. Preston, Esq. that would be rad.<br /><br />This is not a complaint, merely an observation of the state of Regal Entertainment Group.<br /><br /><b>c. October 31, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Me: If you buy a large popcorn and two medium drinks you get free refills and free Starburst or Skittles<br />Intoxicated Customer: That sounds good, how much is it?<br />Me: $13.25<br />IC: Oh naaaaaawwwwwwww that's too much, I'll just have a medium Cherry Coke and a medium Mello Yello<br />Me: Your total is $7.50<br />IC: Come on, can you throw in some free Skittles?<br />Me: Only if you buy a large popcorn<br />IC: <i>With much enthusiasm</i> Sure, no problem! Thanks!<br /><br /><b>c. November 2, 2004 Anno Domini</b><br /><br />Today I made the tragic mistake of forgetting to bring my debit card along with me on my magical journey to the land of Regal. Normally that would mean that I could not purchase a beverage on the way to work and I would be eating popcorn for dinner and that would be the end of it but today of all days there had to be more to the story...<br /><br />At 6:30 PM I was on my register and a customer ordered Snickers Poppables brand (TM) candy so I bent down to get it and the seam of my pants split right down the middle. I was a bit concerned but a quick inspection revealed that the hole was not as gapingly wide as I had feared so I continued working as if nothing had happened but unfortunately the seam continued coming apart as I worked and before I knew it I was indecently exposing my fellow employees and customers to my pirate booty. Actually it was an indirect exposure, as I fortunately had an undergarment covering my posterior, so to speak but still it was more than I imagine anyone wanted to see.<br /><br />Of all the days to not wear the ones with the red rocket ships! Actually I don't even own a pair of underpants with red rocket ships... I should rectify that at the nearest opportunity but that shall have to wait.<br /><br />There wasn't much I could do about it, as we had customers out the wazoo and I had to serve them regardless of the state of my breeches but eventually I went on break and this is where the lack of a debit card came back from beyond the grave to haunt me. If I had one I could have simply gone to Target on my break and purchased another pair of pants but I was unable to execute that plan.<br /><br />I ended up making a very manly makeshift kilt out of a trash bag (including a rather scandalous slit up the side, if you must know) and that served its purpose for a time but it was deemed to be unprofessional in appearance and a manager gave me a roll of tape and instructed me to "tape it up from the inside" so I complied. That worked, but not as well as anticipated. In the process of taping my pants I had to make them just a bit tighter and the result was that when I tried to fasten them the zipper was launched at a high velocity and I no longer had any method by which to fasten my fly. That sucked.<br /><br />Eventually another manager granted me permission to violate one of the most inviolate sections of the official Regal Entertainment Group dress code and untuck my shirt to cover meself up and I most gleefully complied. I may be the only employee to ever be permitted such a liberty and I'd be darned if I wasn't going to enjoy it. I kept my shirt untucked for the remainder of my shift.<br /><br />Oddly enough I heard not one complaint throughout the entire evening about the exposure of my booty, not even from the ladies.</span></div>http://theesteemedmrroberts.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-i-indecent-exposure-in-movie.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Mr. Roberts)0