Author’s note: Mom, don’t read this.
Everything about this guy seemed ideal: he had a genuine interest in the mundane details of my day, a career and a regular flossing habit.
Everything, that is, until we had sex.

Sex with him was like playing opposite day with a Cosmopolitan article: silent (not even a single moan? c’mon!), fast (“Have you seen a doctor about this?” fast), boring (there are other positions, you know) and embarrassing (of all words you could string into a sentence after, “I” and “am” and “sorry” are just about the worst picks).

I gave the failing sex a pass for a few weeks. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe it was me. Maybe I could teach him. Maybe I needed to be more vocal with my wants and needs and “a little to the right.” Maybe it would get better. Maybe we just haven’t found our rhythm yet. I rationalized and sympathized for as long as I could.

But it didn’t get better, and the more times we had sex, the less interested I became. By the time my next rent check was due, my sex drive disappeared altogether (come back! where did you go?) and numbness, not to mention a tiny bit of spite and dread, set in. Suddenly I was claiming exhaustion and headaches and “I think I’m getting a cold.” The more we discussed what was going wrong, the more I wanted nothing to do with it, and ultimately, him.

Which brings up a touchy subject: Is bad sex a deal breaker? At first thought it seems so shallow. But what about his steady job and solid education, you ask!

Untimately though, I kept coming back to the question, “Can I live with bad sex forever?” And the answer, after a half-second of soul-searching, was a resounding, shout-it-from-the-rooftops no, never, nuh-uh, absolutely not.

To his disadvantage, when he and I started dating, I was still licking my wounds from a particularly painful breakup — a breakup with a long-term boyfriend who was the best in bed. That’s a tough act to follow, no matter how skilled you are in bedroom tricks. But here’s hoping he figures out what makes both him and a lady feel good. Because, really, his teeth are far too perfect and plaque-less to be single forever.

69 comments

I think the sexual chemistry is very important in a couple. We can’t be perfect for everyone, but I’m pretty sure we can be perfect for a special someone, and that’s what makes the difference between an OK relationship and THE relationship.
Mafaldahttp://mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr

It’s like a bad meal at a restaurant. You send it back, hope it improves, but if it doesn’t you don’t eat at that restaurant again. Take good care of your vagina, ladies, and it’ll take good care of you. Promise.

Adding my voice to the chorus – of course bad sex is a deal breaker! Sex, in my humble opinion, becomes even more important as you get older. And it can get better as you get older, but starting out with flat-out bad sex is NOT the way to begin! :-)

Oh, I’ve been here. And it was the worst. I tried once to tell him what I wanted and … well, let’s just say he didn’t take it well. So after that, I would just let him get on with it and lie through my teeth when he asked if it was good. He desperately wanted validation, but refused to accept any suggestion that he might not be doing it right. Pretty sad.

In the end, it got to me so much that I started to resent him (even though he was really a good guy, other than his lack of bedroom skill). So one night when I was out with some girlfriends, I got drunk and went home with another man pretty much out of spite. Obviously I didn’t feel good about it the next day, but I did realise how much the bad sex had been eating away at our relationship and my sanity. I ended it the same day, and I still felt I had to lie and tell him it was nothing to do with the sex, and that there hadn’t been anyone else …

This whole mess reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City. Samantha was with a guy with a tiny you know what. When she finally told him it just didnt work, he said, Oh year? Maybe your vagina is too big! All you can do with these guys is throw them back in the water. Men are annoying enough without problems in that area.

Accepting to live with bad sex? Well ladies…. NO! Never do this! I’m 44 now and I met my husband when I was 32, well almost 33 and I had to kiss a lot of frogs until I found what I wanted. But yes, the sex is not everything, but it is so important and I guess this is one reason why my hubby and I are still happy together :-) I think some things in sex can be learned, but when it’s really bad…. move on ;-) xxx

You know how they say – it takes two to tango. You two were obviously not a good match, but I’m sure he’s making somebody else really happy. I, for example, am a woman who doesn’t like changing positions and come in like 2 mins. I think we should all as a society stop shaming other people about their sex lives – everything’s normal if you like it. You didn’t, so you moved on. I hope that poor guy will never read your article.

you did so right, Megan.
and your story reminded me some that I lived: a perfect guy, so pretty, cute, gentle, polite, sweet…but no able to have sex with me. he even said that he masturbated a lot thinking about me, but this helped a lot.

The struggle of my life! And I still can’t decide what to do with the lack of sexual chemistry in our relationship… We’re together for almost 10 years, so as you can imagine other things are above perfect!
He is not bad in bed at all, but I never really felt the kind of sexual atraction towards him.
If it wasn’t for my dissatisfaction with sex life, we would have been married for years now. But so, I just can’t decide to commit. Oh, geee.

My ex stopped having sex with me because religious reason (Taiwanese Buddhism). I wasn’t informed until I realized we hadn’t have sex for 2 months. I was sure he did not cheat on me because he deeply believed that he had to have surgery because we had sex before marriage.

So my heart just started to slip away. And I broke up with him. He couldn’t take the fact we broke up. I did not tell him the real reason. Till now I still feel that guy was such a …… I don’t know how to describe him. It was 11 years ago. And we had 4 years relationship. Goodness.

I was in the EXACT same situation.
I met a man with whom I had the best sexual chemistry of my life with. The kind you only find once in a lifetime. We broke up because we’d argue just as passionately. Go figure!
It was the worst breakup, I’m utterly torn apart by it. Looking back now, I’d put aside our differences just to be together. I nit picked too much. Ladies, please don’t do this so that you don’t lose what I briefly had!!
After the breakup I tried and tried for 2 years to get him to forgive me and get back together. Nope.
So I dated. I tried. I met one men right after who was decent on paper. Educated, fairly good looking, had a social life. But the sex? Worst of my life. I kept thinking it would improve. Nope. I made suggestions. Still it was terrible. He was bad in bed. It came to the point where he started to disgust me. I felt dead inside. Numb. No interest in sex. I told him I was tired. I was stressed. Really, he was bad in bed and there were no sparks, no fireworks.
Did my former, best lover ever ruin me for life? I don’t know.
I know that I dumped mr.bad sex after 6 months. I too thought about an entire lifetime with him & if I could put up with bad sex or no sex. I said no. I deserve a life of quality, I’m human after all, meant to have good sex. Or nothing at all!!!
I’m praying I meet a man with some sexual chemistry in order to have good sex. Or I just won’t do it.
I honestly believe I’ll never meet another man with whom I’ll share such mind blowing sexual chemistry with like I had with that one boyfriend but at least I had experienced it once!

IF – initially – you both adore being one another’s company (a steady job – or a string of jobs that help pay his bills, and personal hygiene being a very close to second to all the after-mentioned!), make each other laugh insanely, are amazing support and inspiration to one another and are actually attracted to one another pheromone-wise from the outset (meaning you literally looked at one another and LIKED one another before you even touched each other physically)…

… THEN even if the sex is lousy, as long as you’re both comfortable and willing to talk about why it’s bad and how you can improve it or be trying new things, and you both have the willingness to be open to reading, listening, trying new things that fulfil you both, I think it can work amazingly well – and you may just end up with the partner who’s perfect for you, because you’ve both grown together in that aspect of your lives.

I’ve been with the one who is incredible physically, with off-the-Richter scale chemistry, and without the steady job (not even the odd job here and there), unbelievably sexually exciting to be with… and I’ve been with the one who has the steady job, awesome personal hygiene, who attracted me so much with his strength and optimism, generosity and humour, that he became the father of our adored fifteen year old son. While my now-husband and I didn’t initially have the sexual chemistry and fireworks I had originally thought so important in the initial stages of my previous – and our – relationships, the way our personalities complemented – and opposed (lots of fireworks there) each other, and his eagerness to learn and openness to trying things out because he recognised we needed the sexual chemistry, has meant that sixteen years on, I am still truly, madly deeply with this funny, courageous, wild, amazing being…. and the physical side of things is truly out-of-this-universe. The physical side of the relationship is important to both of us, and I realises I’m lucky we worked it out after a few years together.

Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? You’ve got this amazing man, and one of the reasons he is amazing is because he wanted to work on this with you. He didn’t get all defensive and egotistical, but worked and played with you. You are lucky and blessed!

I think bad sex is deal breaker (as shallow as that sounds.) You end up dreading having sex with them (no matter how wonderful they are as a person) which ultimately ends up driving a wedge between you. It may not be that someone is bad at sex, it could just be the lack of chemistry. I think it is chemistry, on every level that keeps a relationship going through the years.

I disagree with something you’ve written. This does NOT sound shallow. It’s important. As women, we’re still caught in the “good girl/bad girl” trap. Our pleasure is important. We are worth pleasure, and we are worth good sex. You, my dear girl, are not shallow at all. Being older than most women on this site, I’ve seen a thing or two, and this is a big area where we undervalue ourselves. You are all worth it.

I’ve spent ten years of my love with the most intelligent, generous and attentive gentleman with the best sense of humour ever! Sex was really the only thing which was missing in our relationship and I believe that some things cannot be helped. I am being divorced now and dating away another guy who is a great lover.
Good luck and never regret your decision!

It’s sad to me that this is considered a “sensitive” topic or that it seems anything other than banal to talk about it. As many commenters have already mentioned–OF COURSE it matters, and as many other references to pop culture have been made, this “what to do now/how much does it matter/did I do the right thing” angle has been played out to death. Not very interesting in my opinion.

Deal breaker. Sex is one of life’s great simple pleasures. Sexual satisfaction is an important component in a happy, healthy life. If a guy isn’t willing to work with you on it (and working on it, make no mistake, is fun, fun, fun!), screw him (intentional joke). If your pleasure and satisfaction are not worth something to him, and it should be worth a lot, if his ego is more important to him than learning a thing or three, it’s time to move on. This is one self-absorbed guy. You are worth so much more.

why have bad sex forever when you could have amazing, mind-blowing, thinking about it all day, make your fantasies come true sex? Good sex is way more fun. of all the fish in the sea, there is definitely a batch whose sexual chemistry align. enjoy?

I remember talking about this with a bunch of French girls in my class. A girl told me her mother said “you can’t live with bad sex, no matter how good or handsome the guy is, if he is bad (in bed), run away!”
You can eat the burnt breads for breakfast once or twice a month, but not the whole month :) No, we can’t live with bad sex. Totally!

“Which brings up a touchy subject: Is bad sex a deal breaker? At first thought it seems so shallow. But what about his steady job and solid education, you ask!”

Wait… What? This might be a culture difference but where I’m from (the netherlands), picking a guy based on his education or job is perceived as more shallow than what you are talking about. Not being shallow means that you love him for what’s inside – is he good to you and others around you? Can you have good, deep conversations with him? Does he make you happy?

I’m sorry if I’m late to the conversation but I read this a few days ago and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Is this an American thing? Or did I misinterpret?