If Selena and Justin Can Do It, So Can You: How to Be Friends With Your Ex

Over the weekend, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber were spotted hanging out. Don’t get any ideas. Apparently, that’s all it was—a platonic get-together. The Weeknd, Gomez’s boyfriend at the time, was said to be fine with it, although they've since split.

Since going public together in 2011, Gomez and Bieber have had an on-and-off relationship, and, well, friendship. Just last summer they got into a nasty Instagram comment war, which all ended with the “Sorry” singer deleting his account. (No judgment here. I wish that’s the messiest feud I've had with an ex.) It seemed a bridge had been burned and a bond irreplaceably broken. But, Jelena proved everyone wrong. After years of ups and downs, highs and lows, digs and dramas, they’re now . . . friends.

Friends with an ex? You just scoffed, didn’t you? It’s okay—for a lot of people, that seems as likely as only eating one Pringle. But what if, when you uttered the breakup cliché of “let’s just be friends,” deep down, you really meant it? Or, hoped it?

Vogue asked relationship expert Jordan Gray for some tips on how to do the impossible: be friends with your ex.

First things first: You should not be friends with your ex if the relationship was physically or emotionally abusive. Friendship is only possible if there is, or can be, mutual respect between two people. If that’s an honest-to-god possibility, then proceed to step one:

1. Reflect on Your Relationship

You and this person broke up for a reason. Think about it before re-friending. “Are you clear as to what it was about the relationship that didn’t work for you?” Gray says. “If something was off sexually, then this is one of the easiest and most clear-cut situations you can have as a transitioning point into a friendship (since your sexual relationship will be off the table in your friendship). If it was something about their character or their values, then engage in some honest self-reflection about whether you’re sure you want a friendship with them.”

2. Have a Cool-Down Period

Hold off on reinstating your weekly fro-yo trip—for now. “Have a cool-down phase between your intimate relationship and your friendship. Even if you only dated for a few months, it’s good to have a psychological buffer between your two relationship dynamics,” Gray says.

There’s no set timeline, either. Gray urges both parties to be patient. “It could be anywhere from a couple of weeks to a number of years, depending on the emotional intensity of the partnership and how smooth the breakup was.”

3. Be on the Same Page

Just because you’re ready to extend the olive branch, doesn’t mean your ex is. You need to both “feel ready and excited to engage in reshaping your relationship dynamic,” Gray says.

But when—and if—you’re ready to hang out one-on-one, state your intentions clearly. “Tell them that you still love and respect them as a person, and that you would love to build a friendship with them over time. Make it clear to them that you’re only interested in doing this if it feels mutually beneficial, since every friendship you cultivate should ultimately serve the purpose of enriching your life,” Gray says.

4. Be There—For the Right Reasons

Do you really want to be friends? Or are you secretly hoping to get back together? Make sure of your intentions, and your ex’s, too. “You may have to be mindful that your partner isn’t just saying that they want a friendship with you as a covert ploy to eventually get you back into a romantic relationship. But, as long as you are adults who are taking responsibility for yourselves, you shouldn’t need to waste too much time or thought on this.”

5. Avoid Flirtation

So, you’ve reflected, cooled down, gotten on the same page, and don’t want to get back together. Great! You may now enter the friend zone.

And the first rule of the friend zone? Act like . . . a friend. Take that flirty, vibe-y repertoire you once had and bury it. “To ensure that you don’t send any mixed signals to your ex, don’t deploy any sexual energy towards them. Especially in the early stages of cultivating your friendship with them, ensure that you treat them like a brother or sister, as opposed to a potential love interest (even if you’re just being playful).”

6. Prioritize Your New Partner

Eventually, you, or your ex, will start seeing someone else. Now, neither of you should be jealous (see rule number three), but what about this new beau?

“Tell your new partner that one of your closest friends is a former partner, and that they have nothing to worry about,” suggests Gray. Then prove it. “Your partner should not only feel like your priority, they should be your priority. You do have space in your life for your intimate partner and your social life, but make sure that you’re prioritizing your primary partner over your friends, more often than not.”

Although it may be tricky at first, an ex-friendship can be an amazing thing. “You both have greater context on each other and are that much more able to give well-rounded feedback to one another. You can dive into being honest with each other without having to emotionally caretake or be overly delicate,” Gray says.