I'm sure this is discussed all the time, but I'm pretty new here. What signs of the A did you have that you now realize, but missed at the time?

BW Me (40ish)
WH Him (40ish)
Kids ages 10-20
Married 20 years
OW 27- passed away 2/4/15 from cervical cancer
DDay 4/3/14- 6 month EA - Yes, I know he could be lying and will continue to be checked just in case.
They were "in love" & sexting

Posts: 397 | Registered: Apr 2014

heartbroken2012♀ 38089Member # 38089

Posted: 10:17 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

Guarding of the cell phone - never leaving it unattended

Short tempered

No patience for me or the kids

Never wanting to eat with me at lunch

Talking about his co-worker more than usual

Sudden obsession with chewing gum

Immediately taking showers when he got home

Caught talking to OW on the phone in bed when i came home sick one day (said they were talking about work...on his day off...yea right)

Never wanting to car share like we used to.

Towards the end....

CONSTANT, blatant texting right in front of me to OW at night for hours.

Finally....us laying in bed and him saying (in response to something I said) - "No matter what, I come home to you every night"

That no matter what I tried, there was a tenseness in our relationship. He turned anything into a problem. That he slept farther away from me in bed. That he never wanted to do family vacations with us. He is self employed so he was never gone at night, so I never had unaccounted for time. He went on trips with people I didn't know too well for his hobby. That way she could go and I would never talk to those people. He threw out all his old underwear. I have since googled signs of cheating and her almost all of them. I was in the land of denial that my husband could do this.

3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Sep 2013

karmahappens♀ 35846Member # 35846

Posted: 10:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

I didn't miss signs.

I ignored them until they hit me in the face...

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3919 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

seenow♀ 40720Member # 40720

Posted: 10:26 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

Not wanting to talk about work anymore.

Came home one day saying he wasn't happy with our marriage and I needed to do this and that and this for him to be happy.

Guarding of cell phone. Leaving earlier for work, getting home few minutes later. Longer sessions of sex, he was having so much it was building up his time *big flag*. Increased texting when he never had before. Not going to kids after school activities so he could stay home and chat, or going and totally ignoring child because could not put the phone down. Not being in the bed when I would wake up in middle of the night. So many now that I look back.

I forgot three big ones: he began working out like a fiend. Became so buff and hot. Also would pick fights with me very time he went to leave for work out of town. Would always turn his phone off at night while out of town so he could rest.

He used to go out one night a week with the boys. Then, suddenly he INSISTED on going out three nights a week, claiming he was stressed by new job and needed to blow of steam with the boys.

He was not with the boys. There was no discussion about whether or not I approved.

He was suddenly Leaving earlier for work.

Coming home later.

Coming home Smelling of perfume.

The proverbial lipstick on his color. He claimed it was a red pen. It was the permanent stain type of lipstick, so I believed it was a pen stain and actually used a stain remover and washed it for him.

I don't wear lipstick, so I was clueless about permanent stain type lipsticks.

He suddenly bought a new car. One that was more expensive than the usual type he would buy.

He suddenly needed an Ipad (later found out it was so he could stay in touch by email with younger OW)

Found out a credit card statement was going to his office instead of home.

When, I questioned him about it, he became angry and defensive. I dropped it.

Saw cash removals from bank account. Saw expensive restaurant lunches on his other credit card. He said the money and the lunches were used to entertain potential clients.

Later after dday, I found a hidden bank account and a second hidden smart phone.

He was irritable almost constantly. I thought it was the stress of his new job.

He was annoyed if I greeted him at the door and wanted conversation, when he came home. He would say he was talked out.

Later I found he would spend hours on the phone talking to OW.

He would say he needed to go to home depot to get home repair supplies, and would be gone four hours. Later learned he was with OW.

He would buy home supplies, but stopped doing anything around the house to repair things.

He would take cell phone calls in the garage or in the backyard.

The OW was taller than I, so the passenger car seat was always moved to the far back position.

I noticed this and questioned him, but he said it was his tall dad who moved the seat, when they went for lunch.

The car seat smelled like cologne. Couldn't quite pin down if it was a male or female scent. He again attributed to his father's cologne. It was not.

After Dday, I found strands of the OWs hair on the floor and tangled around the head rest.

He picked fights. After one fight, he asked me for a divorce.

I said fine, if that's what you want, and he changed his mind and tried to make up. We did because I was still clueless.

He once picked a fight and then packed his cloths and stormed out of the house overnight.

I later learned he went to see the OW while her husband was away on business.

His boss called me at home, looking for him, saying he could not get in touch with him about something important and asked if I could. I couldn't.

My husband later said his cell was turned off because he was with a client. He was with OW.

His assistant called and said he suddenly could not get him on his cell.

His father would call me and say he suddenly could not reach his son on his cell.

I would call and he would not answer his cell, as he normally did.

He once called me on my cell and when I answered, he sounded confused, and stammered and said, he meant to call a client, then hung up abruptly, did not even ask how I was, as he normally would.

I later learned, that he had meant to dial the OW, but had dialed me by mistake.

A call from his second phone showed up on my home caller ID, it had his name on it but wrong phone number for his usual cell.

When I showed him the caller ID he said "Well it must be some other guy with the same name, but see the number is different.

How stupid was I to be clueless, until he was outed anonymously?

Pretty stupid, right?

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014

rollerager♀ 39175Member # 39175

Posted: 10:46 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

I don't think it makes you stupid. You just wanted to believe that he wasn't really doing all of those things.

I chose to rugsweep the first several times because I loved him and just wanted to be loved by him. I'm glad all of those desperate feelings will be gone and that I can be happy now.

Wow, I can out stupid most of you. I knew we were under an incredible amount of stress and I was pretty sure my WS was depressed, but I did nothing. We talked about it, he assured me he was fine and I just let it go. One night I caught him on the computer and he told me he was checking sports scores. I let it go, but the next morning when he went to get his hair cut, I checked on the computer and found the site he was on. It wasn't that type of sports. I saw some of his conversations. I immediately messaged the people he was talking to and told them he was married. When he came home, we fought. Had a huge fight where I even left for a while. He was petrified I was going to leave. We fought off and on most of that Saturday. And then, guess what. I blanked it out. I do no remember that day at all. I still don't to this day.
I got anonymous phone calls in the middle of the night and a few during the day. Probably a couple of dozen times or more over the span of 18 months. Once during a rare one during the day, a woman asked to speak to my WS. He was at work and when I offered to take a message, she said she'd call another time. Another time during the day again, a boy asked to speak to my WS. Again, when I asked who it was, he hung up.
But, the real mind blowing one was the anonymous letter I got in the mail in 2010. I confronted my WS but knew it was somebodies idea of a sick joke because I knew my WS would never do that. Wasn't in him to hurt someone like that. Knew he was way more loyal then that. Knew he had way more integrity than that. I was so sure, I showed everyone and anyone I knew, the letter and laughed about it.
Never mind that he started going to poker games with "new friends" in his line of work. He never played poker. That he went to training sessions and had to stay overnight. That he'd come home and tell me that I was starting to get cranky and it was probably time to go on a trip. That he always went into the office on Saturdays and Sundays to check the messages. That he went to work at 7am when it was only a 5 minute drive away and the business did t open until 9am. That his temper got shorter and shorter and started griping about everything. That he stopped waking up and appreciating the day ahead.
All through this, he still seemed loving and caring in so many ways. Still brought me flowers for no reason. Still took me out for special dinners. Still bought me jewellery while on vacations.
So what signs did I miss? All of them. Was anybody stupider? I bet not.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:10 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

MakingMyFuture♀ 43530Member # 43530

Posted: 11:08 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

I don't think these are things I missed, they are the things I noticed that told me something was wrong and I needed to snoop.

Stopped doing things around the house
When I hugged him and he hugged me back, turning his head away like it was a chore
In general not returning affection
Interest in trying new things sexually
Higher than normal interest in working out
Making plans without including me "I'm taking kids to the pool. ..you can come too if you want"
Tired all the time
Generally defensive and irritable
Short tempered with me and kids
Irritation at family commitments
Condescending after he had had a few drinks (when I think real feelings/personality shows more)
Interest in going on weekend trip by himself (because he has never done anything for/by himself before)
Not acting loving or giving during sex, either aggressive or sitting back waiting for me to satisfy him
Not mentioning that he had run into friend (who later became AP) at common places
Deleting texts
Higher interest in socializing with younger partying employees or older married men who are known 'players'
Drinking more

Too many early mornings, late nights, nights away from home...it was all business...yeah, right.

NEVER answered his cell phone when I called him, especially in the evening. He told me cell phone service was crappy as an excuse so he could ignore my calls

Password on cell phone, excessive use, always in his lap

Cat hair on his clothes...we do not have a cat

No showering at home...he was showering at her place

Movie ticket...chick flick by himself?

Gas receipt from place 50 miles from where he should have been

Constant bank withdrawals

Told me he had nothing for lunch when debit statement would have shown multiple lunches out with OW as well as trips to liquor store for wine he was not bringing home

Became chronically late, he had always been punctual

Made my attending business/social functions with him difficult for me due to logistics, knowing I would pass, so he could take OW.

He kept a key to her house in his console. I never looked in his car.

Very nasty to me on Valentines Day during the PA. Came home late after a "meeting", glared at me, said a few choice words, and slammed the bedroom door.

Running account by OW on FB. Looking at it after DDay was sickening. She never used his name, but her status updates as well as her twitter account, gave me a complete map of what was going on...after the fact. She was a FB friend, but I just passed over her because she is so gross I never thought my H would sink to a PA with her. Boom, that blew up on me.

Called me at 6 am. When I sleepily answered he sounded confused, made some silly remark and hung up. Cell records show he called her immediately to tell her he was on his way.

I think of myself as "not that person" who turns a blind eye, for example, if my child or someone I love has done something wrong. And yet, my own history has shown there is, in fact something in many of our psyche's that prevents us from seeing what would seem obvious to others.

While I have been cheated on plenty in two marriages, I will talk about two different D-days where I "should have known."

In my first M, a woman was calling my house all the time, asking for him. She would just say "tell him Sharon called." I'd tell him and he made up all kinds of crap about somebody telling her he could fix her dishwasher. Since he was that sort of "handyman" it was somewhat believable except I knew by then he was a compulsive liar! His story also changed on how he knew her and what she wanted, on a regular basis.

How could I be more stupid or blind than that??? I did not open my eyes until the woman called ME and asked for the facts of our marriage. He had told her he was divorced and he made up crap to tell her why I was answering the phone when she called (this was 1988, long before cell phones!) I was 7 months pregnant at the time, with our 3rd child. Even after that he tried to deny and say "who are you going to believe, me, or a complete stranger?" But by then my eyes were finally opened and I told him I would believe a complete stranger over him.

In my current M, I think I discovered his EA fairly early on, and took steps to make it clear I would not put up with it. I thought it was over with and we were moving on.

My step-DD (his youngest) died in 2006, later that same year. I saw some sympathy cards that were left at our business. One was signed by several customers including THE WHORE! I was livid but H made excuses, said he didn't see her, didn't know she was in the store, and couldn't help who signed the card, and how dare me bring this up at this time of devastation anyway!

And I posted it about it here on SI, too. From what I remember of it, it seems like many were in support of my H and did not think I should be bringing up the whore or the A (which I assumed was over). One comment that still stings with me all these years later was a member who said "Losing a child hurts 1000x worse than being cheated on." To this day I wonder how she measured it since she had not lost a child.

There is no doubt both events were beyond excruciating and to this day, that whole time period is a just one big combined trauma and I can't separate out "what hurt worse."

But if the suspicious sympathy card was not enough, one day, one of my step-DDs called me and told me that he was cheating on me, and with the same whore whom he had cheated on her mother with, 25 years prior! I could not believe he had "resumed" (or never ended) the A and so I actually made excuses for him to his DD! He was so depressed (suicidal even, after DD's death) that it seemed impossible he would have energy to be continuing in a secret A.

I downplayed it, saying she had been "chasing him last spring" but this must be just rumors from something about that time, going around town.

And then one day I discovered him talking to the Whore on a secret Trac phone. That was D-day and the blinders came off.

All I can say is that I am extremely determined to NEVER let myself hide from red flags again, as long as I live!

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 11:44 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 5936 | Registered: Apr 2006

WestMonroe91♂ 41999Member # 41999

Posted: 11:55 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

Years ago, I ignored clues because I was too trusting. Then over the past 3 years, I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
*Distancing by sitting on the chair and not the sofa in the family room. Sleeping on the very edge of the bed.
*She literally told me that my arm was too hot when I hug her during the day or in bed. So she would protest and move away.
*"I have no libido." To persuade me further, she said that her GYN stated that it's natural for a 47 year old woman not be be interested in sex.
*When I accused her of A, she said that men hit on her all the time but she ignores it. Another time she said, this wife is not getting it outside.
*She felt that she should move from my health insurance to the one offered at her job even though mine is better and cheaper.
*Neither WW nor I smoke. She was coming home late smelling of smoke. She blamed it on a co-worker's car. She was obviously hanging out in bars.
*Guarded phone like it was Fort Knox. Getting up in the morning for work, she would immediately take it to the bathroom.
*Buying "Sweetheart" shower gel from Bath Body Works
*New underwear.
*No longer wanting to hug or kiss upon arrival home.
*Started working weekends. Said too much work, not enough workers.

WW was so good at lying, I do not believe the MC knew she was a cheater. After I got enough evidence and confronted her in the presence of MC, the confession was obviously a surprise. MC sent me an email that night indicating that it was a "bombshell." That was MC word not mine.

I bought his story that the hickey he came home with was from a weight machine at the gym.

I believed he was actually working out of town every other weekend.

Etc. etc. etc.

BW - 44 - SAHM
WH - 45 - 3 year LTA
Blended family - 2 school aged "ours" children left at home.
DDay (which one?) all in 2013
Reconciling - as best we can

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Southwest US (Tucson)

Ostrich8034827Member # 34827

Posted: 1:04 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

I'm actually pretty perceptive. I didn't miss the signs, I saw them, felt them....then I dismissed them as stress, which is what he told me. My mistake was believing him.
The cell phone is what got me wondering again. He was never without it and no one could touch it. I called it one time while he was,standing and I was sitting behind him I let it ring and watched him reach in his pocket and shut it down, he thought it was her since i was with him. I considered the ow a couple of times but damn she didn't look like something he would be attracted to. I kept saying, no way, not her

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:16 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5406 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest

RiseAbove22♂ 43325Member # 43325

Posted: 1:18 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

i missed all of them because i trusted her so much and was constantly told it was just me and you,told that i was the only one,loved so much etc.
a lot of mine are similar to what has been posted already

she was always upset or depressed
she acted like i made her skin crawl every time i was around her
she would start fights just to leave and go cheat
she used friends or family members in her stories when it was really some random guy she was with not a friend or sister.
she skimped on gifts for holidays and used to spend big money
wasn't excited for holidays or decorating,i did most of it alone
i was always wrong she always had to be right
she started eating crappy,living off of junk and candy
running to the bathroom to be sick
acting strange,nervous,talking a lot or not at all
constantly chewing gum
overusing her meds
i found some text messages and she claimed her text account was hacked,such bullshit
she claimed her email was hacked too
taking 2 or 3 hours to go to the store when it takes about 45 minutes then making excuses about traffic,lines at the store
blaming her family
she bought a new shaver just out of nowhere
keeping her phone locked and under a pillow all the time
not bringing her phone around me
using work and school out of town to stay gone
blowing up and leaving over something stupid and staying gone all night with him then telling me she stayed with family
just lies really

[This message edited by RiseAbove22 at 1:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014

jendo♀ 43059Member # 43059

Posted: 1:42 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

There were so many...

He was working crazy long hours
He smelled like alcohol most mornings when I'd wake up
Coming home very late and then sleeping in in the morning (not getting up for work)
Found cigarettes
He actually talked about her a few times- really weird conversations about "this person he knew"
He pulled the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech out of no where
Very distanced from his kids and I
Was irritable
Detached over the holidays- not as sentimental as normal
Working lots of hours, but not accomplishing as much as usual
Locked phone
Locked computer
Never leaving computer open when in the past it had been
Removed FB from his phone (so I thought)
Texting people
Lying to me about who he was texting

I suspected once, but then we started really "working on our marriage" so I put it out of my mind. Found out about her 6 weeks later- things had cooled off a bit between them, but he was still "in love with her".

BW Me (40ish)
WH Him (40ish)
Kids ages 10-20
Married 20 years
OW 27- passed away 2/4/15 from cervical cancer
DDay 4/3/14- 6 month EA - Yes, I know he could be lying and will continue to be checked just in case.
They were "in love" & sexting

Posts: 397 | Registered: Apr 2014

traditoperanni♀ 32660Member # 32660

Posted: 1:49 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014

Don't any of you feel bad. I missed the signs for 37yrs!
And now, when I look back, I see certain things that now make sense. Like, FWH would go for an errand and not return for 3 hours and when I'd ask he said he decided to take a drive around.
I use to think at the time, gee how nice for him that he can just take off. Now, I know better. His sec drive twindled but I thought it was stress from work. But, the obvious signs, I never saw. He was always home on time, and if not would call, he was not working out actually he gained a lot of weight. For the most part he was engaging with his family up until about 10 years ago then he became very difficult and angry etc. All of these signs- I never thought were because of an A but because he was stressed.
But, now as I look back over time these signs are glaring and flashing.
So don't feel bad.

And now, when I look back, I see certain things that now make sense. Like, FWH would go for an errand and not return for 3 hours and when I'd ask he said he decided to take a drive around.

^^^THIS!! And I never asked for a detailed explanation of where he had been?!

Also:

Increased irritability

"Working" longer hours

Started dressing better (he said for his new position)

Started working out more often/losing weight

Didn't want to talk on the phone when he traveled for business

Constant texting/guarding his phone

Constantly on the computer, esp late at night

I look at all of this now and just kick myself. These are classic clues, and yet I never, NEVER suspected him of ANYTHING. He was my Sunday school teaching, community volunteering, rock solid Eagle Scout good guy family man. He would never betray me or hurt me or use his marriage vows like toilet paper! Yeah...

There is also this: when we discussed others who had experienced infidelity, he never said "I would never do that." He only said, "I'm too shy. I wouldn't know if someone was hitting on me."

Oh wow, mine said this when I said ow was obviously flirting with him really?? "I don't pay attention enough I guess, besides she's married", he said grinning like a teenager who finds out some girl at school likes him . He looked flattered, not shocked when I said it. She was married alright, with D around the corner. I will always wonder if her D was because the A began earlier than I suspected..who knows...

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????