UPDATE!!!:
My fiancee and i are getting married in May! Shower us with gifts
and praise! Also, brace yourself for the fact that that is
basically all i am capable of talking about.

i am in a very, very happy relationship with someone who i believe
violates the laws of probability and karma just by existing. for
real. like what the hell?

what's weird about writing this is that since I'VE read all the
variations on my profile so many times, i feel like you have, too.
It makes me want to reference the old profiles as if you would
actually know what the hell i'm talking about. i have not decided
if i am or am not going to subject you to this.

enjoying my relationship the way a person who is seeing the ocean
for the first time would enjoy sailing.

i have a daughter. she's 10. she's amazing. she is so fucking
weird.

I'm a special education high school math teacher. It's the best job
i've ever had. It perfectly satisfies my desire for chaos and my
pathological need to help anyone with any kind of problem within a
five mile radius.

there used to be a joke about how there used to be a joke about
jesus here. i then encouraged you to think of one of your own and
say it loudly into your monitor. afterwards i proclaimed that we
had now shared a moment. that part of the profile is gone
now.

mind blown? moving on.

whenever i'm asked to list my favorite anythings, i get instant and
extreme amnesia. this was all i could find while routing through
the soggy cardboard box that is my mind:

this used to say, "how to best navigate my life without everything
crumbling, falling apart, or catching on fire." and that shit
seemed like it would apply forever. basically the "mom" tattoo of
responses, you know?

amazingly, astoundingly, and absurdly, i mostly think about how
happy i am. i know. i'm baffled, too. did not see this coming.

so my fiancee and i are interested in people To be our aquaintances
with benefits. yes. i'm one of Those people. the scandalous
exploits of OhGodTheInternet continue. so, i suppose if you're one
of those people, too, we could pool our collective shame.