my story of deciding to have a baby, as a single woman

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Well, as some of you know, it didn’t work. I wanted to collect myself before I got all bloggy about it. I “spotted” last Thursday. Felt very discouraged. Nothing Friday or Saturday. A twinge of could-this-be-implantation-bleeding surfaced. Full fledged menstrual cycle on Sunday. Blech.

Its funny, the Internet. You can find all the data you need to either be A. confounded: (I had three months of periods but just knew I was pregnant and I was!!) or B. thrown into despair: (nobody gets pregnant without IVF after 40. NOBODY!!) I knew that statistics weren’t on my side on this first go. Everyone knows it when they try to get pregnant. And yet we all hope against the odds. I guess this is true for most things in life. And my inseminators were still pretty amazing, we must all admit; I’ll always remember the “first time.”

So I felt sorry for myself for a few days, took a deep breath, got out my credit card and ordered some more sperm. Because that’s what you do when you are single and wanting a baby without the hassle and headaches that come with going to a bar and trying to sexy-talk a stranger.

On the upswing, lots of fun stuff has been going on in my non-baby-centric life, so that’s good. And I’m on vacation, actually writing this blog from a hammock. Things could be much worse. They always can be.

Lastly, I’ve noticed I talk in fertility-talk these days. Last week a client was talking about a situation where she was excited, if not nervous, and wondering if she was getting ahead of herself with her life’s current agenda. I heard this metaphor come out of my mouth: Well, it’s a bit like wanting to have a baby. You can have the intention and desire to have one but still have to wait until you ovulate. And if it doesn’t work, you have to wait some more. She agreed. Great analogy, she said. If she only knew …

Another upswing is that I don’t have baby envy anymore, right now. A friend recently had a baby and I loved holding him and being with her. I didn’t want her life or her baby. I felt very content with my own–and this crazy path I’m on, and that felt nice.

Started Clomid today. Trying again at the end of next week. Round two, my friends. This song comes to mind. “I know my faith will lead me on.”