Sunday, October 18, 2015

President Reagan, Bernie Sanders and Marty McFly Walk Into A Bar. You Won't Believe What Happened Next

In Back to the Future Part II, Marty McFly travels thirty years forward in time, from 1985 to Wednesday, October 21, 2015. I was there to meet him.

NOTE: Pay no attention to the post date. I borrowed the Delorean.

ME: Hello, Marty. I know you're looking for a newsstand so you can grab a print newspaper from a tall stack and dramatically scan the front page in order to get your bearings.

...About those newspaper thingys. They're a little hard to find these days. Just add one more personal disappoint about your future. But not to worry, for I will be your 2015 guide. Any questions?

MCFLY: Where are all the hoverboards and flying cars? Better yet, where is my friend, Doc? He is an old dude with a shock of wild and unruly white hair and sounds a little crazy...

MCFLY: Whoa. I guess that's what happens with 30 years of plutonium exposure from a leaky flux capacitor. What's the witch's excuse?

ME: Her husband is a leaky "1.21 gigawatt"... I'm not completely sure what that means, but it sounded funny in my head.

MCFLY: Whatever. What about my flying skateboard and self-lacing shoes and all the cool stuff I was promised? And what's with all these freaks walking around with the facial studs and tattoos? Uhoh. Are those two dudes?

ME: Taking your last question first, this is California. As for the cool stuff, let me answer that question with a question of my own. Who was president in 1985 when you departed?

MCFLY: Ronald Reagan. The Gipper. Ronaldus Maximus.

ME: Exactly right. You see, McFly, except for maybe the mullet and Parachute pants, the 80s were a time filled with hope and optimism for the future and all its possibilities. And why not? When Reagan was sworn in as president in 1981, he was inheriting an economy in tatters due to half a century of misguided liberal policies of over-taxation, massive spending and strangulating regulations.

In Reagan’s first Inaugural Address he stated, “Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem.” Reagan managed to defeat the misery index by the sheer force of his will, by his deep and abiding faith in God, love of family and by the unshakable confidence in free-market principles.

His optimism was contagious to the American people, and President Reagan's policies set in motion 25 years of a record-setting economic boom felt all around the world.

Of course, McFly, you wouldn't know all that back in 1985. You were still in the "optimistic for the future" mode. Ronald Reagan was in charge, so why not? That, and Barack Obama was just a community organizer on Chicago's south side. If there is a multiverse, rest assured obama is a janitor in every other one. And the witch is in prison.

MCFLY: OK, so if Reagan was successful, why the desolation and look of hopelessness among the masses?

ME: Well, Reagan was only partially successful implementing his agenda by going around the Democrats in control of the other branches and taking his case directly to the American people. That, and we took a wrong turn by passing the reigns of government to 3 administrations of establishment Republicans and almost 4 of full throttled socialist democrat presidents. Hence, no flying hover thingys, rather just a massive amount of debt, open borders and a world in chaos.

MCFLY: What is this obamacare, and why is Biff wearing a Navigator name tag and insisting I sign up for it?

ME: Trust me, you don't really want to know. Suffice it to say that plutonium sickness would be much more preferable.

MCFLY: So the future is bleak, and the American Dream is officially dead?

ME: Maybe yours is, Marty, but not for the rest of us. At least a hopeless future is not necessarily etched in stone. It depends on what road we take from here. Our choice remains. Do we travel the old and failed pothole-filled dirt road of socialism that leads to inevitable further decay and eventual genocide?

Or do we go Back to the Future promised by our Founding Fathers, and re-energized by President Reagan from your world?

MCFLY: What if I reset this time machine for 30 years from now to the year 2045? What do you need to do NOW to get me a ride on that magical hoverboard?

ME: First and foremost, pray. Oh, and wear this button and spread the word.

You had me till the pic of Ted Cruz....I like him a lot, but I don't think there's a ghost of a chance he'll be the candidate. He's just not an appealing candidate for some reason..I can't put my finger on it ;-(

Z, I've heard that from a number of sources. That he is not appealing... or something about how he speaks... or this, or that. Always some ethereal quality one can't quite pin down. I call BS on that, as it usually comes from a liberal (D or R) who just doesn't like his conservatism. Ted Cruz is the perfect candidate for our times. An obama antidote. I hope you're wrong about his chances.

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