whenever i see #metoo, i read “pound-me-too”. not trying to be clever, but thats a fucking pound sign. i know what hash is, i know what tag is, but i’m too old know or care what a hashtag is. so its pound you, pound her, and pound me too.

He really is. It’s a shame the comment section of that website is a bunch of UMass-Brockton mouth-breathing retards because it doesn’t allow for comedy like this comment section has generated over the years (he doesn’t even read them over there).

In case any of you other Tappers we’re curious, I just looked up the news story, the charges were brought from a young woman-despite the stories/rumors he didn’t go all Spacey like he was rumored to have admitted.

Brief stop at Happy Hour with IT guy yesterday with an hour to kill before ride to airport. To protect confidentiality, names are changed but I called the kid Haj anyway. He’s a good kid but his firm sucks and we’re firing them today, actually I have 10 minutes to do that before lunch.

++++++++++
JM: 30 women at this bar and you’re staring at me and your phone. Who are you texting?

Haj: Alex, friend from school on his way. See the blonde over there?… don’t stare at her. She was here last Wednesday.

JM: So Alex knows her?

Haj: No.

JM: What did Alex say when you told her she was here?

Haj: (shows me emoji of fire shooting out of a hard-on)

JM: You two going to look at her again tonight?

(silence)

JM: Do you like her?

H: He does. I like her friend.

JM: The fat one?

Haj: Dude uncool she’s not fat.

JM: Go talk to them.

Haj: No, I’m waiting for Alex.

JM: Move now get Abbot- sit back, Costello.

Haj: What?

JM: It’s the way of the fist. Follow me.

++++++

JM: You know what, you smell really good.

Halley: What? Do I know you?

JM: I’m serious, my boss here said I had to come over here and smell you. Right Haj, this is the girl from last week? You were right, she’s amazing, and beautiful.

Haj: WHAT?

JM: I mean this bar…, it smells like shit. You’re like a tulip sticking out of a dead rat’s ass. I’m sure you get this all the time, I’m Jack and you are?

Halley: I’m….Halley…and this is my friend,,

JM: Hello Halley, this is Haj, he’s my boss, guy’s fucking loaded.

Halley: This is my friend Jennifer.

JM: Nice, I bet you go by Jenn a lot don’t you?

Jenn: How did you know?

JM: Haj here has developed a platform that matches facial recognition signatures to every social networking and location service. Swear to God, he can take a picture of you and tell you in 3 seconds where you had lunch and what it was. Haj take Jenn’s picture and I’ll…

Haj: “NO I CAN’T DO THAT. JACK SHUT THE F…”

JM: Guy’s got 5000 employees in Mumbai, when he goes back there he wears this fucking robe and rides on elephants, its unreal. Boss, give me one of your cards and I’ll open your tab. Is your queer friend Alfred coming here or is he going dancing?

Haj: It’s Alex and he’s not gay. He’s not.

JM: Hey whatever I love the guy. I have to take a piss then head to airport. Haj I’ll call you when I get to Sydney. You kids have fun. Halley let me smell you one more time…mmmmm. That’s nice.

as men we are prone to bad decisions because they are the most fun to make. exempli gratia, I had a secretary for 8 months who could not type. she didn’t lie and I wasn’t fooled. she told me she could only type on her phone during the interview. it was a bad decision, but it was fun for 7 months. next 14 sucked.

to those contemplating marriage, herein defined as ante bellum, i ask you to turn on the television and pay attention. we’ve established that men don’t like making good ones. a lot of you young guys are contemplating marrying the girl of your dreams today. think you’ve found your soulmate and she completes you etc. listen to the first half of any song by Bread, and you’ll get the picture.

however, math says, in 5 years there’s a good chance things won’t work out and you’re living in the second half of every Bread song. they don’t end well. if they had videos back then, every one would end with a crying bearded guy in a van, holding his wedding album and a revolver in his mouth.

i mention Bread because i heard those songs on my old man’s 8-track as a kid, sitting in the front seat of his buick while he smoked menthols and worked his combover in the rear view mirror. i had the lesson right there in front of me but never put it together. granted i was 5, and thought divorce meant mom went to our ‘summer home’ 6 blocks away, but i’m still pissed i didn’t see it. now we have the kavanaugh thing and i’m grateful that this generation has a more simple, teachable moment. ignore it at your peril.

full disclosure- i don’t know first hand what kavanaugh did, but i know he was drunk (irish). if men are prone to make bad decisions, drunk men are required to make bad decisions. and drunk irish are a different level. my people starved on an island surrounded by fish because there were no potatoes. imagine millions men, starving and too drunk to fish. did he do something wrong? probably. but a crime? rape? no. disagree with me? prove it.

so here’s the payoff: if your gal believes this woman, dr. ford, run. id use all caps here if i wasn’t driving. if she thinks ford’s justified in telling this 35yr admittedly drunken high school story with no evidence, no witnesses then you need to fucking run like hell. i don’t mean you need some time alone or should slow down. i mean run like indy jones with nazis, pygmies and a boulder on his ass. do not pass go. that’s a monopoly term which means don’t go over to her place for your toothbrush and fucking cornell crew team shirt.

one caveat: plenty of girls have been attacked and they could have a visceral reaction, to this, i get that. world’s an evil place and life aint fair. if that’s the case god bless you both and work through it. but if not, think of your high school and college years, before you even met her. what and who you did, and how you did. Now think of those ‘crazy times’ as public record documentary evidence exhibits A-Z for dumbfuck doe v. batshitcrazy doe.

don’t want to end on a sour note because im a big romantic. heres a little something to cheer you up

I’m very sorry to announce that all along admin was a known terrorist from Somalia. at first ICE captured him, then DiBlasio let him go which was a relieve. He raped a few more ladies, was deported for a week, came back. Filmed a few snuff films, was caught trapped by ICE in LA released again finally things caught up to him and have him in a bind after shitting on a dates apartment floor and stealing her Grape Drank (he made the mistake of doing it to Oprah’s niece) Ms. Winfrey worked the proper channels and got him sent to work on a chain gain at Popeye’s register in Chicago for an undetermined amount of time.