Nihilist-Worker Candidate Calls For No More Fucking
Dumbass Shitwork
Calling for an end to all of capitalism's dumbass shitwork
as we know it, Nihilist-Workers Party presidential
candidate, Hollis Mosher III, also called, today, for an
end to music being reduced to just the static it
produces on the other end of being transmitted great
distances through adverse atmospheric conditions.

Anderson-Lee Reveals Platform
Actress Pamela Anderson-Lee accepted the presidential
nomination of the Reform Party today, saying she would
run on a platform of immediate all-out nuclear war
against any country that tried to cut off our unlimited
supply of collagen. Lee also claimed she'd save
Medicare by making it pay for only cosmetic surgery
"because -- as most of the American people know by now
-- that's really all there is."

AOL Gene Mandatory By 2002
President Register today signed legislation making it
mandatory for all children born after midnight, Dec 31,
2001, to contain the gene for receiving AOL anywhere,
anytime without a modem. The gene, when expressed in
the newborn, constructs a tiny Motorola wireless
receiver in the brain out of excess Serotonin. It then
instantly and constantly receives all AOL downloads of
ball scores, stock prices, and local traffic and
weather.

AT&T Gene Mandatory, Starting Tomorrow
Starting tomorrow, anyone who doesn't already have the
gene for getting ALL their communications services from
AT&T -- whether these services actually work or not, or
even exist -- will have to go into special centers to be
retrofitted

WWF Launches Educational Software
The World Wrestling Federation moved its brand name into
yet another modality of culture today by releasing a
line of WWF-branded educational software.

The first title in the series is designed to teach
problem-solving skills to adolescents, by showing them
how to solve problems using only simple items found
around the house -- like folding chairs, utility tables,
and oil tankers filled with raw sewage.

WWF Buys CSPAN
The WWF announced today that it will be starting not
just another sports entertainment program but, rather, a
whole new concept in sports entertainment
programming, with its purchase early this morning
of the CSPAN family of cable TV, radio, book publishing
and school indoctrination enterprises.

Rather than turning CSPAN into just a more rowdy,
raucous, brutal, offensive, stupid, ugly version of its
current self, WWF will use CSPAN to turn wrestling into
a calmer, more objective, more dispassionate, quieter,
more cerebral form of its current self, where viewers
will learn to call in and berate scumbag wrestlers with
style and grace.