dating

The reason why I have low expectation of people is that I don’t like letting myself get disappointed. That’s also the reason why I don’t believe in the honeymoon phase and living in a bubble with my SO.

To me it’s so stupid, because you begin to fall in love, and believe how the other person is perfect and that they have no flaws, nothing annoys you, and everything is great. That is so bullshit. I like taking things for what they are from the get go. And so when me and the tinder guy started dating I already told him, “hey I know how I function as a single person, but I don’t know how to open up to you and talk you and include you in my life as a person in a relationship. I don’t know how to be with someone WHO I do want in my life”

I know myself as a person to know all this, so I did what I would normally do as someone who still cares about this relationship. I sat down and made a list, of how I work, and what I want in this relationship. To me it’s not fighting it’s conversation on how you can improve together and be on the same page. At the same time, I didn’t want to seem like the SO who is constantly nagging about how things are bothering her. I mean for me, if I chose not to care, I could, that just means that I don’t care about that person at all, because I don’t care about their opinions, and thoughts as well. Which is bad, in a relationship, because that is the first reason why people start drifting.

So now finally after two months, his bubble finally burst and he is seeing the reality of this relationship, and is realizing its not all fun and games, and peaches and cream, or fucking rainbows and butterflies. It’s hard work and effort, you have to be considerate of the other person. You can’t be selfish anymore, you have to plan for two so on and so forth.

This, all I knew, but do I still want to do it, meh, do I think it’s worth trying, as of right now, yea I guess (I’m also very upset because I broke my ALL TIME favourite eeyore mug that I had for more than 10 years ps. I also broke it while I was getting irritated with my bf therefore he is to blame. jk. but really tho). Point is, I want to say I have tried my best in this, so that IF the day comes that I choose to walk away from this, I can say that “hey I gave it my all, so I shouldn’t feel guilty from walking away from something that is not right for me”

I know that the biggest flaw that I have is that, I can not for the life of me, open up to males. I am a HUGE talker, and legit I can not stop, but with guys in my life, they know nothing about me. It’s been wired into me to not trust them, even my guy friends. So when I have a boyfriend, I feel like he should know me, as much as my girlfriends do. Though I know that I still can’t open up to him, but all I ask is for help, I don’t know how he’s suppose to help, but I know on my part I should suck it up and say things to him, but I just don’t feel that he finds the things I say to be interesting or important. And I should also apparently work on my tone of voice, since it comes off as bitchy. Two things for me that I know I should work on.

Point of this spcheel is that, honeymoon phase bubbles. I hate being blinded by it (which to a degree I still was) but not as bad as the average person I know. But I genuinely hate that he’s going through with it now, it’s so nerve wracking knowing that he’s going through and not knowing the outcome of it.

It’s so scary to like someone, you know wholeheartedly. It’s scary to know there is a person who fits your standards, and to realize your standards weren’t false. It’s scary to think where this could all go. It’s scary to think if this is going to end within a day. It’s scary to try.

After day 1, and after everything that has happened. It’s so weird to meet someone like me but also different. I’m not sure how I feel about him being so similar to me because it’s so strange to say I feel like I like him because he reminds me of me. Isn’t that a little to narcissistic.

I spent four days with this guy and I don’t know how I feel. But somehow I broke down by the second day and told this guy, the first ever male in my life who wasn’t family my deepest darkest secret, that has made me the person I am today. The cynical, distrusting, bitch that I am. One part of me is so glad for the person I have become, but the other always questions what I could have been. After I broke down, so did he. And we both agreed because of the fact we put so much trust and faith into other which we normally wouldn’t have done with someone we barely knew, there had to have been something there. Sunday morning, we were dating, I guess. haha. Neither of us wanted to admit it. But we’re a couple, and I still cringe thinking about it.

But I still for sure know that I’m scared, and probably always will be scared.

I’m not sure if I like seeing someone/talking to someone. And I mean like more than just harmless flirting. It’s been a while since I’ve actually invested time into someone.

After meeting a crap ton of crappy guys, a girl knows when to try and when not to. When to be reckless and stupid and when to be patient and smart.

But I also forgot about the nervousness, waiting for texts, the “where are they, what are doing?” questions, the constant need to know more about them.
God I kind of liked it better when I already knew things about the guy (so clearly someone like my ex) but I don’t like any of these feelings at all.

I understand that I did date my ex when I had a younger mentality but even then I didn’t have much of the teenage girl dream that our relationship was going to last forever. But when we were flirting I was the one who would freak out over one text, or that it took him hours to reply. I tried not to care, I really did but it did affect me.

As we did start dating I began to get comfortable and didn’t worry when it did take him hours to reply, or even didn’t, but I guess it was also because I was falling out of it.

So after my ex it’s been over 6 months, and it’s not like I didn’t anyone, it’s just that I didn’t meet anyone that I would’ve liked or to say I didn’t like. And when I don’t like a guy it’s really hard for me to maintain some sort of conversation.

And when there were guys who liked me and was texting/talking to me, I WAS THE SHITTIEST PERSON. I took forever to reply. After my ex I became the absolute worst texter ever, even with my friends. If I felt there was nothing to say, I just didn’t.

As of right now how I feel about waiting for texts etc. has toned itself in comparison to how I dealt with it with my ex, but it is still something that effects. That high school that freaks out and I hate it!
I wish I could not freak out about it, but I still do.