Monday, 20 November 2017

As painful and difficult as it is to admit, sometimes, just sometimes you have to take a step back and say 'd'ya know what? I don't want to fake it til I make it today, I'm totally done with pretending that I'm okay.'

Life isn't hunky-dory right now. No, I'm not 'fine thanks', I'm actually more 'I've had enough of absolutely e v e r y t h i n g and I feel really rather shit, but yeah, how are are you?'.

Repeat after me: It's okay to admit that you're struggling.
The problem is, that doesn't happen on instagram, because the majority of us (myself included) use it to display the full blown glam side of our life: our new outfits, swanky meals out, and selfies taken only in the best light, and if I'm being honest, I'm a bit over making out as though my life is completely perfect, because bloody hell it isn't...far from it in fact.

Truthfully? For so long I've shied away from admitting that my life is nothing like my instagram snaps portray. Don't get me wrong I've blogged aboutM.E and chronic illnesscountless times, but I've always been too afraid to utter the words 'actually, I'm not okay with this, I feel like a prisoner in my own body'. I've been too scared to seem anything other than positive in fear of people thinking I'm playing the woe is me act.

I've been truthful, and showed you all my personality to an extent, but never 100%. < yep, I've said it... (a bottle of my favourite Barefoot wine later to thank for this confession, most probs going to regret writing a blogpost whilst tipsy, but hey)

Behind the 'omg, look at the latest cake I've just made' and the 'brb, just off to face plant this massive takeaway pizza' I've felt empty, extremely angry and short tempered, and nothing like 'myself' for months now.

I always feel like nobody quite understands each time I try to explain how I'm feeling, which has caused me to spiral into the very thing I told myself that I never would... I've felt depressed- and I don't use that word lightly.

I'll tell you now, it's hard not to feel low when you're trapped in a body that doesn't function properly. A body that doesn't allow you to live your life to the maximum. Pain, relentless exhaustion, and torturous physical symptoms daily.

I've spent entire days crying through frustration, sobbing out loud in a heap in the floor unable to function because I just want to feel well again. Barely able to carry out the most basic of tasks. Level of exhaustion = crying because I can't climb the stairs, or tears because I don't have the energy to brush my teeth. It's degrading.

I feel guilty that I then go on to upload a 'perfect' photo that night to Instagram after screaming that I just want it all to end, because how is that fair on the 60k people following me? I feel it's my duty to let you all in on what goes on behind closed doors, or how else can you trust me and my opinions?

I don't know what it feels like to feel 'free', to wake up in the morning and think, oooh I want do this, this, and this today, I simply don't have that choice, my body decides. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle at times, I suppose I'm grieving for the life I SO desperately long to live, but have to miss out through no choice of my own- but that's just life and chronic illness and I need to ACCEPT it.

I guess the real message that I wanted to get across in this blogpost is: we should never mask how we're truly feeling, nor should we feel like we have to be this perfect person 24/7. No one is, and we all have our faults and struggles- I truly believe that we should be more open about this.

Soooo, pinky promise me that the next time you spend the entire day sobbing, or you just can't cope with a difficult situation that you'll just damn well tell someone? Because you're never EVER alone, my inbox is always open for one.

....Now remember you can't break a pinky promise- it's just the rules.