Simon Cowell sorta apologizes…and more “Idol” nonsense

Almost a week after Seattle witnessed its reputation as a music town get slaughtered on “American Idol,” I’m still getting e-mail about it. Which is understandable, since television won’t let the whole bush baby business die.

Luckily for us, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul came to Pasadena on Saturday, giving us the opportunity to grill them about being meanies.

“Look, (the auditioners have) watched it for five seasons. I think they’re aware that if they’re not very good, they’re going to get a hard time,” Cowell told critics. He went on to say that what we don’t see on camera is the judges going in front of everyone who made the cut and warning them about what may happen, giving them one last chance to leave.

“Let me ask you something,” he added later. “Do you think William Hung is mad that he came on this show? The guy’s made almost a million dollars for being one of the worst singers ever. Do you think he’s mad? Are you kidding? He’s jumping up and down.”

True…but Simon didn’t compare Hung’s looks to a primate’s. So after the session, I cornered him and executive producer Ken Warwick, and broached a few topics on Seattle’s behalf.

#1. The bush baby brouhaha.

Out of all the terrible singers featured in Wednesday’s episode, Kenneth Briggs (who has since asked to be called Michael Swale) was the one everyone was talking about because Cowell said he looked like “one of those creatures in the jungle with massive eyes.”

“The View” defended Briggs/Swale and Jonathan Jayne Thursday morning, then “Jimmy Kimmel Live” brought them to Hollywood after all. They’re getting a trip to Florida out of the deal, and their good fortune probably won’t end there.

It wasn’t nice, but being called a “bush baby” been berry, berry good to Briggs. Yet, he has asked several times for an apology.

So I passed that along to Cowell, who said, “I don’t even know this guy who you’re talking about!”

That should help heal the rift. But he went on. “I’ve only read (about it)…The fact that I am 47 years old, coming to America and talking about bush babies is sort of surreal. I think it was an off-the-cuff remark I made, and if he’s offended, then I apologize. I won’t ever call anyone a bush baby again.”

Honestly? You apologize? I asked.

“Oh, completely. I’ll be sending him a letter.” Then Cowell rolled his eyes.

Better accept it man, because that’s as good as it’s gonna get — and it won’t be the last time someone’s looks will get ridiculed.

“You’ve got to remember that (Simon) comes from a background where you have to be commercial. He’s about that: ‘I make my money, my business is about selling records,'” Warwick said, adding that looks play a huge part in finding the next lucrative “Idol.”

If that’s true, someone needs to explain Taylor Hicks to me.

#2. Jayne making it in front of the judges.

Last week The New York Times attempted to shame “Idol” by running a story about Jayne having competed in a past Special Olympics, implying that the show allowed a “mentally handicapped” person to make the initial cut for the sole purpose of making fun of him.

If you actually saw Jayne in action on the show, you know that’s wrong on a number of levels. For one thing, Jayne described himself as autistic in a recent radio interview, which is a neurodevelopmental disorder. That doesn’t stop him from having pretty much the same ambitions and desires as any other singers in this competition.

This statement from the Special Olympics website says as much: “Whether on the stage of ‘American Idol or on the field of competition for Special Olympics, people with intellectual disabilities don’t want to be pitied. They want to be judged for who they are and appreciated for what they can achieve.

“American Idol should be commended for providing Jayne with the same opportunity to succeed as any other contestant.”

In fact, Jayne has a leg up on most people because the guy really can sing. He blew his audition, but so did so many others. At issue were comments judges made on his weight, but if you watched the entire thing, they were fairly gentle with the guy.

More to the point, Cowell said in the “Idol” session, “To suggest that because someone like that…shouldn’t be allowed to enter the competition smacks of censorship, to be honest with you. I’m not saying that it’s particularly pleasant to watch. But I don’t think we should be censors on any type of people…what we’re trying to be, more than anything else, is representative.”

Later, Warwick put it a little more brusquely. “Everyone should get a fair crack of the whip,” he said. “And I have a problem with people who are critics of us saying, ‘That person was simple! They shouldn’t be on television!’

“That’s nonsense. I’m asking them to sing 16 bars of a song, for goodness sake, not defuse a bomb!”

#3. Making Seattle look bad.

Cowell and Warwick swear they didn’t do it on purpose. “I love Seattle as a city, I seriously do!” Warwick said. “I felt relaxed there. I thought it was beautiful…I would move to Seattle, when all this falls to pieces. ”

Cowell echoed that sentiment. “I mean, I do like the city. I just hated the singers who turned up.”

Asked what it was about “Idol” auditions that brought out the region’s David Lynch mob, he replied, “I genuinely don’t know what was happening! I remember it happening in Houston about three years ago, when we had two days of absolute hell… We actually thought they were all going to be good and, well, you saw the show. It was just a wave of miserably bad people.”

In the end, it appears that “Idol” learned its lesson. “We won’t be going back to Seattle next year,” Cowell said.

Lastly, I know saying this is not going to make me popular in a number of living rooms, but someone has to say it: Folks, let it go. Seriously. All of this outrage over Seattle’s treatment on “American Idol” amounts to energy misspent. Plan your gardens. Lobby for more efficient public transportation. Stop seething over this thing.

“American Idol” is now in its sixth season, and every year auditions in some city yield a “has Simon gotten meaner?” story. Tag, Seattle — we’re it.

Yes, Simon was meaner. He has a reputation for being the meanest man on television. Every year he has to up the ante — of course he’s meaner! “Idol” auditioners know their shot comes with the price of horrific humiliation. I don’t hear anyone complaining on behalf of Darwin Reedy, and she seems to be Fox’s poster child of 2007’s talentless.

And really, what is there to get mad about? Reggie Watts or Common Market didn’t show up among the rejects. Why? Because they and the other local talents don’t need “Idol” to validate them. Go to one of the fine, fine shows they and other Seattle bands put on almost any night of the week, and you’ll understand why.

Above all, do not cry for Jayne or Briggs/Swale. Right now, some enterprising person must be cooking up a scheme to get those two, Hung and whatever bad singers we witness this week to commit to some sort of tone-deaf Lollapalooza. Want to make them feel better? Go ahead and buy a ticket to that show when it comes to town, and be sure to bring earplugs.