Sometimes Motherhood can be a real…Mutha…

Motherhood has given me some of the most beautiful days of my life. And some of the darkest hours of my life. As a mom, I am a bullet proof vest, covering my children from what life would throw at them. And once the shots are done being fired, and all that is left are the shell casings and the residue, and after everyone has ran to the one wearing the vest, the wearer will eventually throw the vest on the ground and complain about the vest being too heavy or not padded enough, but no one thinks twice about the vest in the aftermath. They forgot that while the vest was covering the child, it was taking the bullets, and those bullets tore at the vest, sometimes puncturing it almost to the point of it being unrecognizable…

I was 19 years old, 23 days’ shy of my 20th birthday when I became a mother for the first time. I was scared. Scared that I wasn’t fit enough to be someone’s mother, someone’s guiding light. I was really going to be someone’s mother…Fast forward 5 years and I became a mother for the second time around and again, two years later, would be the third and final time I became a biological mother. And I thought maybe I had a handle on being someone’s mother, being a mommy, being the mother I thought I was supposed to be. Gathering the husband and children together in the car for surprise picnics at the park for dinner, having family tv night where we would bond over the latest family sitcoms while discussing our day and having movie nights out at AMC Movie Theater (daddy thought they needed the movie experience with all the snacks from the snack bar while I was trying to sneak them in from the outside in my purse) just to name a few things. And then what felt like out of nowhere, my motherhood axis shifted to a place where the music wasn’t as loud, the laughs weren’t as frequent and the sun didn’t shine as bright. I went from being looked at as someone’s Mother, to being perceived as a real Mutha… Everyday became a battle of wills, a war zone of sorts and a protective vest was needed, only I couldn’t wear myself could I? So I did what many mothers do, I continued to be the best parent I knew how to be, while dealing with the voices that where swirling around me like a tornado telling me I needed to do better, should do better and could do better. Those voices unknowingly became the bricks that were used to build walls between parent and child, all the while pointing to me as the brick layer. And yet there is only so many times you can run into a brick wall without doing harm to yourself and potentially knocking yourself out. So you numb yourself to the pain of loving the very thing that feels like every day it is taking a piece of you, a piece of your heart, a piece of your soul, a piece of your sanity and you continue to be a mother, the best you know…but it’s still not good enough.

I remember the day my husband and I grabbed hands filled with love and hope and he prayed and asked GOD for clarity… and the answer came as clear as day. We decided to let one of our children choose where they wanted to live, to choose who would win the blessing of their presence and my household felt like it lost. And I felt like I lost a piece of Taria, the piece that knew who she was and where she fit in this world as a mother. I no longer felt like I was even really present with my family, I felt like I was outside of myself looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars, my family out of my reach. I felt like I had been in a fight going 12 rounds and I was hit with a blow that pierced me to the deepest part of my skin, down to my hypodermis, and in order for it to heal, I had to keep it stuffed with gauze and covered with a bandage. But there were times when I felt like the wound was healed, so I would open up the bandage and share my tales of motherhood that seemed hopeless, hoping for relief from this weight of guilt and sadness that was clinging to me, only to realize that I in fact wasn’t healing, and was making the wound worse by continuously opening my bandage and exposing my pain to others who could potentially infect the wound and leave me feeling worse than when I started. And I did…I felt worse…With every time someone would say to me, “I would never send my child to someone else because it’s my child, or, “that couldn’t be me because I would do XYZ”, to “you’re the mother you need to fix it”, I fell just a little deeper into what felt like despair. It got to the point that I would leave my phone in whatever part of my house that I wasn’t, because I didn’t want to see the messages that would be carried over the cell tower wires reminding me of the mistakes that I made. I wanted to avoid the gatherings we were to attend as a family because I feared my every interaction with my child would be looked at and judged. I felt alone, lost, like I had been put on an island of mothers, but it was an island of one. And it was in these lonely moments, right before dawn, that GOD spoke to me and reminded me of who Taria Shondell was TO HIM and who Taria Shondell was IN HIM. I was HIS Taria before he formed the foundations of the world. I was HIS Taria when I was in my mother’s womb, BEFORE I was a mother. He had already laid out the plans for my life, and this was a part of HIS plan, for HIS glory. He reminded me that just like I prayed for clarity in the beginning of this process and he answered me, I still had to go THROUGH the process in order for my situation to be a testimony to other parents who may be going through the same situation, and he would be there, guiding me, comforting me and healing me through it. And it dawned on me that in order for him to heal the wound, I had to stop opening up the bandage and exposing it to the elements. I needed to leave it covered and in due season, it would be completely healed and I would be able to take the bandage off. But a scar would remain. It had to remain to remind me that I wasn’t just a survivor but that I was an overcomer. You see the word survivor means: “a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died” while the word overcomer means: “to succeed in dealing with (a problem or difficulty).” I had come out alive in a situation that could have killed my joy, stole my peace and destroyed me emotionally BUT by trusting in GOD even when I didn’t see him, when I felt like I didn’t know how this would all turn out for my family, I held onto my faith that felt as small as a mustard seed, and it was that faith that helped me to successfully deal with the process and come out stronger on the other side.

I want to encourage mothers from all walks of life, whether you’re a single mother, a married mother, a divorced mother, a mother who birthed children or a mother who inherited children via raising a family members child or through marriage, no matter how dark your situation seems, no matters how many voices you hear that make you feel as if you are being brought to your lowest point, no matter what other families and the mothers in those families around you look like, understand that YOU WILL get through it. There may be times when all you can do is cry through the night, and it is ok to do just that…but know that GOD will bring joy to your morning…he did it for me, and so I know he will do it for you…

I love you guys and thank you for reading!

Revelations 12 vs. 11 KJV

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony;……”

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109 thoughts on “Sometimes Motherhood can be a real…Mutha…”

What a raw and personal look at that dark place that many of us mother’s go through but don’t want or know how to talk about. Thank you for shining a light on the not so pretty side because we all know what the great side looks like. I guess this is one of the ying and yangs of life where you have to take the good and the bad. Especially since most mothers would probably agree that they wouldn’t trade the experience for anything else.

Great post. Your genuine love and care as a mother shines in your experiences here. Your children are very lucky to have you. I definitely will give my mother a call after this to let her know how much I appreciate her.

Wow! Thank you so much! This comment truly made me pause, in a great way! It touched me in a deep way and I appreciate you expressing your thoughts on the Post. I may have to screen shot and frame this! Lol :):):)

Your love, care, light shines through this really obviously deep and painful message. Whihc also shines with hope and encouragement for any mother to be able to overcome the Mutha days and times irrespective of how long it takes! Thanks for sharing!

I’m a mother of two (divorced) and there are times I find things extremely difficult and I don’t appreciate what a blessing my children really are. Everyone has bad days, we need more people to share those bad days and not just the happy ones. Children are amazing and wonderful and should be enjoyed, as long as you can accept that not every day will be easy

You know this post helps me to know that it’s ok to make mistakes. Mothers don’t have to have it all together. As a mother of a three year old girl I thought I had to have all the peices together and if I didn’t then I was doing something wrong. You know people call you a super mom when you are always busy and running your life ragged for your kids and then they call you not good enough or lazy when you don’t have your kids in every sport or activity out there. Why can’t we just be called a mother. It’s hard and I just have one so i give mad respect for all of you who have more than one. And I realize now that I don’t have to have all the answers right now. Now I’m just going to enjoy my daughter and all her silliness and know that all the answers to my questions will come with time. So thank you again Taria for this post. It’s something all mothers need to read.

I so appreciate your transparency. I have an almost 2 year old and I am already feeling some of the things you described. Like you my goal is to just be honest and transparent with my readers because you never know who you are helping. I have a couple of years to go but I am sure as she gets older the battles will be the same. Thank you.

First, thank you so much for reading! Sometimes it is a hard thing to be transparent but when it can help someone, I think it is really important and necessary. And two years old… I remember those days! Enjoy your beautiful blessing and the ride (even when it gets bumpy) along the way!

Love this post and your transparency. I have a 2.5 year old and a brand new 2 months old. As a dad it has been a very interesting experience to say the least. I’m so glad that my wife is so awesome and is a wonderful mom.

Hi Tawcan! That is beautiful how you see your wife! As a mom and a wife myself, that definitely makes us feel good! And congratulations on the new baby! No matter what goes on, when it comes down to it, our kids are GODs greatest blessings!

I love the transparency of this post. Yes, being a parent is tough stuff and the kitchen sink will be thrown your way. I think you may have helped a lot of people with this entry. Good stuff and praying for your strength.

Hi Valerie! Thank you so much for reading my post! Yes it really can be tough and people sometimes forget that all children are different! Thank you so much for your prayers and appreciating my transparency!

I always question myself about if I’m doing the right things for my kids. A simple disappointment for my 6-year-old son today broke my heart and hurt me 100 times more than it did him. I love them so much it hurts and yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This post was beautiful and honest and I thank you for it.

I had my daughter when I was twenty and in a lot of ways, I don’t think I was quite ready, financially, emotionally, psychologically. It was hard putting a human being before yourself when you’re young and just want to have to fun. I didn’t know half of what motherhood entailed, I am just glad I didn’t make a big mess out her. I guess I did a few things right as she grew up to be a smarter, kinder and better person than her mother.

I think with all the mommy blogs in the world, it’s easy to think being a parent is filled with lollipops and gum drops and the bad times never go beyond temper tantrums. This piece was so real and raw….and though I’m not a mother you’ve made me sympathize with you and I’m so glad that God sent you the answers you needed.

I’m not Christian so God doesn’t come into my equation at all. But motherhood IS hard and it is nice to know you are not alone and other people are going through a hard time too. I know it will get easier but it certainly doesn’t seem like that right now lol!

“YOU WILL get through it. There may be times when all you can do is cry through the night, and it is ok to do just that…but know that GOD will bring joy to your morning…he did it for me, and so I know he will do it for you” This is PERFECT. Thanks for being so honest and sharing your heart. This is what we need to hear to be reminded of what God has for us!

I’ve been scoping out motherhood-related blog posts a lot these days. I’m a first time mom! No amount of reading has prepared me for the reality that was about to hit me when I became a mother. Everyday is a challenge and a learning experience. Thank you for sharing your struggles and for your uplifting words!

Absolutely loved reading this. I have tears in my eyes because I’m going through a difficult season right now. My son is 19 months old and is my whole world so I know I’ll survive it and overcome it. Thanks for this!

Of course Motherhood, parenting in general, is not peaches and cream only. There are such moments but it is a challenge on many days. You keep it moving and it will all work out in the end! I know this for sure.

WOW! I am always so impressed with women who are willing to lift the vale and show the ugly. I think as bloggers we want everyone see only the rainbows & unicorn parts of our lives. It shows real strength and heart when someone lets you really into their lives! Beautiful post:)

You are a fantastic writer, an amazing mother, and a strong soul — thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. It so hard to make the right choices for our children, especially when they are hard on our hearts. It is also hard to hear criticism from the outside world about these difficult choices. Every mom faces this, whether it’s allowing a child to experience their emotions in a socially uncomfortable way (tantrums) or giving their child permission to go live where they feel they will thrive the best. My teen decided to withdraw from public school and start homeschooling in the middle of her sophomore year. I received a lot of comments about it from family & friends, but it is the best choice for her and that’s all that matters. Keep following your true north, mama! <3

I cant stand how people are so quick to throw out the “But your the mom..” card in a negative way to people! Yes I am the MOM.. meaning that I know what is best for MY child! You made the choice that YOU knew was best for your child and God guided that choice for you… thank you for sharing.. such a real post! 🙂

Hi Lauren! First, thank you so much for reading! And thank you for your comment! You are right! People will throw out that your the mother card as if you don’t know that! We Mommy’s should stick together! Lol

Sometimes it’s best to not involve anyone in our decision making as a moms, because everyone has an opinion. But if I don’t give you access I’m not subject to hear anyone’s opinion but my own and my husband. God gave us wisdom and he gives daily direction on how to raise our children even in the difficult times if we ask. Thank you for sharing your story because in spite of it all you and your family became stronger and God got the Glory!!! Love you sis!!!!

Hi Ayanna! Thank you so much! And thank you for reading! This post took a little more time to write! 😂And although it seems scary, like you said, Learning to put our faith and trust in GOD TRULY does change things…for the better.