Mr. Miyamoto stormed Nintendo Headquarters in Kyoto, Japan early this morning, taking the lives of 12 employees, including the current CEO, Satoru Iwata.

KYOTO, Japan — Horror spreads throughout a nation today as the beloved creator of such classic videogames as Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, and Donkey Kong forced his way into Nintendo Headquarters, slaying 12 employees, wounding 34 more, and decapitating the current CEO, Mr. Satoru Iwata.

It all began around 8:37 A.M. local time, when Shigeru Miyamoto posted a picture to his new Instagram account holding what appears to be a comically-large AR-15 assault rifle. The caption reads, “Bout to shoot this muthafucka up!!!1 ;)” A few minutes later the post had already accumulated tens of thousands of likes and many hundreds of comments, some cheering the current General Manager on, while others responded in dismay.

Mr. Miyamoto’s Instagram post prior to the attack.

Mr. Miyamoto then entered the building, apparently shouldering his automatic weapon and killing the two guards with a bow and arrow. One witness described him as screaming, “Silver arrow, bitch!”

Mr. Miyamoto brandishing a bow and arrow. Photo courtesy of a survivor who wished to remain anonymous.

Miyamoto, carrying with him several changes of clothing, dashed into the main offices and opened fire. After stalking the cubicles for several minutes in a search for survivors, he took an elevator to Mr. Iwata’s office, discarding his rifle on the floor. Brandishing a pistol and Hyrulian shield, Mr. Miyamoto held Nintendo’s CEO captive while awaiting the police. Before they could arrive, however, Miyamoto decapitated his boss, holding his head in the air for an indeterminate amount of time. Finally, Japanese police arrived and subdued the now-passive and fully cooperative gunman.

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About Chris Robertson

Originally from Scottsboro, AL, Chris currently resides in Nashville, TN where he freelances for several gaming outlets, watches a lot of horror movies, dreams about space travel, and hangs out with his two awesome dogs and wonderful wife.