10/12/16

What I Wish I Knew Before I Married a Woman

Finally. I've got the time to talk about some juicy stuff.

The one year mark has come and gone since I married the woman of my dreams. All these things I've stood for and blogged about...I've put them to the test for a whole year. How's it been, you ask? Well, it's been busy. Within a year, I started physical therapy post-back surgery to walk by myself again, getting married, landing my career job, graduate school, a dog, buying a house…

…but, as I sit on the couch figuring out the words to write, I also tend to the baby boy calmly watching at me on my lap. You see, the doctors poked and prodded him today, so he cries every few minutes til he hears my voice and I snuggle his pain away. Yeah, my wife and I had a baby boy. And we really had to fight for him.

I don’t refer to the X-rays, heart monitors, blood draws, echocardiograms, and oxygen tanks we grew accustomed to after his birth before we knew if we could keep him. I’m actually referring to the battle to see if he would ever make it into our family...if we ever became a family. A forever family.

So we could really keep him.

As the one year with my young family came to a close, I made a small list of confessions. These are things I wish I knew before marrying a woman, but it's great stuff for even opposite-sex marriages. Some confessions are more religious so they may not ring true for everyone, but hopefully, they’ll be what someone needs.

What I Wish I Knew Before I Married a Woman

I wish I knew how unhappy I used to be. I worked hard to learn how to be happy with depression, anxiety, and coming out. Once I got there, I thought I loved my single life. I had easy freedom. I lived however I wanted! Roommates? Alone? Go on a fun date or two? Hang with friends?? Go to a party??? PIZZA OR NO PIZZA? The possibilities were endless! I thought the fun and freedom gave me a coveted life, and that thought did make me happy for a short time, though I often felt glimpses of wanting more.

I wish I knew to trust my testimony of an LDS sealing. If we do our part, a sealed marriage guarantees something I’ve always pedestaled:a bond unlike any other between those sealed, especially after this life. There is another option, though. It is no bond; no connection with the people we loved here on Earth. And well...that seems to be it! So, in my case with being gay and all, I eventually decided I didn’t want to love any guy for a short time when I could love a girl for longer. Based on my uncommon belief in eternal marriage, I decided to start a life where I knew the promise, but still had doubts.

I wish I had known to fight harder to keep my son. This point is the hardest and most emotional one to confess. Personally, I felt I was supposed to form a family, though I knew I could choose otherwise. But as I look at my son, I force myself to imagine if I had actually

Midnight snack

turned away from the fight for his mother and for him. Someone else would be making her happy. I'd never have been able to look into my sweet boys' mesmerizing eyes that he would clearly get from his mother. And I'd never see that he would get my smile that so frequently lights up his face when he sees me, his dad. If I hadn’t fought for them, maybe he would be smiling at some other first-time dad, and that thought absolutely breaks my heart into more pieces I care to count.

I wish I knew what one year of marrying the right girl feels like. Being gay and marrying a girl is much easier than I used to think. It has been worth every ounce of repentance and hard work. I’m glad for the gift I've had to marry and I regret this not always being by goal as it has taken this experience to realize I am happiest now. This happiness only comes from knowing mine is a sealed family. My heart couldn’t take anything less because I personally couldn't survive an expired love—especially after knowing what forever has felt like so far with my best friend and sweet, sweet boy.

I wish I knew to look at what I'd stand to gain instead of what I’d be leaving behind. Guys, I married my best friend…so my life is hysterical! My wife and I are odd and quirky (proof on the link) and we do the most random, hilarious things at inappropriate times and it's a blast.

I wish I knew not to listen to people who didn't like my choice. Because people suck. And salvation's personal.

So, to anyone contemplating marriage at some point in their life, just know that I'm gay and most happily married to a woman. It can be done! And we would do this a million times over.