Students Baffled as to Why Airtight UD Cockfighting Club RSO Proposal Rejected

This fall, several Blue Hens reported that they found it odd that the university known for it’s “Cockpit” does not have an actual cockfighting ring; so a group of students took it upon themselves to create an official RSO for the activity.

Registered student organizations are clubs at UD that allow freshmen to make friends and get money from the school for no reason. Although hundreds of RSOs exist on campus already, every year new ones are created because 6 people don’t have a formal organization to gather and celebrate their weird niche hobby.

After anxiously waiting several days to hear whether or not they could dig out a tournament arena in the middle of the Bob Hannah stadium, the students who hatched this idea were disappointed to learn that their proposal had been rejected.

“I thought we had all the necessary requirements to become an official RSO,” commented confused freshman Dick Aviana. “Then, once someone told us that there may be something ethically wrong with celebrating animal rights abuses on a large college campus, I said that was stupid and we should still get RSO status.”

Freshman Anne Imalabuse came to this school specifically because of the cockpit’s reputation.

“I grew up around cockfighting rings, I know how to pick prize chickens. So even though I’m out of state, I thought I would have no problem paying off the $40k tuition by hustling people throughout the semester,” she said.

Now she finds herself and her fightin’ chicken, fittingly named YouDon’t, waiting patiently in the Student Financial Services office at least once a week as she continually makes her case for a cockfighting scholarship.

History Major Bill Christe is appalled that the University doesn’t have a greater devotion to our historical roots.

“Sure this University can name all of it’s buildings after a bunch of guys who just signed their name on a piece of paper. But the Gamecocks are equally as important to the American victory in the Revolution as was the signing of the Declaration of Independence,” said B.C.

Ken White, a prospective member of “Cocks for Delaware,” the rejected RSO, was confused by the University’s ruling. White reported that “I get all these emails from President Assbutthole or whatever his name is, telling me to be like open-minded and diverse, yet he totally shuts down this great idea. I lose money on DraftKings like every week, but I really think I had potential in this gambling ring. Now I’m gonna have to explain to my mom why her credit card bill is so high, or maybe I’ll get lucky this week.”

Students are disappointed by the university’s shocking ruling. Senior Connie Phused explained it best:

“The University bribes students to come to the Cockpit with free t-shirts printed with Gamecocks on them. UD encourages students to take pictures with our mascot who is a prizefighting chicken. Yet, when a couple of students want to try this heavily endorsed sport, they find out it’s illegal. Why would a school make so many efforts to promote animal abuse if they actually cared about the law?”

Public Policy Major Matt Lawrence is now doing some policy analysis to see if he can reverse this silly law so UD can celebrate the bloody and cruel history it cherishes so much. Because in his words: “Really, what else does Delaware have to celebrate?”