Do not argue with the conductor. These people should come with a ‘Poke the bear at your own risk’ sign. When taunted, they will claw at the very root of your self-worth, destroy any sense of self-esteem you have, tear at the little pride you might have left after that, then add on an arrogant laugh, just for good measure. Trust me,they will make you feel like the world’s dumbest. My personal favourite;

Passenger: Ngapi tao? (How much to town?)

Conductor: Mbao. (Twenty shillings)

Passenger: Mi niko na kumi.(I have ten shillings)

Just do as the man/lady says, if you know what’s best for you. He/she wants you to go sit at the back, do. The manamba at the stage told you that the fare was twenty bob but the conductor of the vehicle says its fifty, pay up homie. Protest and they will muuuurrrrder you, Shaniqua style. A dent in your pocket is way better than a manhole in your ego.

2. Do not poke your nose or pick your teeth and then clean up your fingers on the window, on the front seat or on me when you ask me to signal the conductor that you get off at the next stage. Any public nose poking, ear or teeth picking automatically makes you a dirty little individual and you should steer clear of the rest of us. Find your own way to tell the conductor to let you off. Just don’t touch any of us. Dirty scum.

3. Don’t be the dick that has to munch on fries,or mahindi choma or mayai gonga or anything mwitu in the vehicle while you condemn the rest of us to weird smells. You don’t have to.I mean I want long eye lashes like Ariana Grande’s that I can fleek around like a doll, and save on mascara money, plus big boobs that jiggle when we hit a bump. But then we can’t always get what we want, can we? Tame your hunger till you get to your destination, then you can eat yourself to oblivion for all we care.

4. Do not be the imbecile that is nasty to kids in the PSV. Kids are angels. Yes, even those that want to suckle on your boobs because they look bigger than their momma’s. Remember the bears I mentioned above? Well, most of them treat kids like air . Like they are invisible. Care enough to let a kid sit on your lap. Make funny faces at that one that’s smiling at you. Play peekaboo with the one that’s looking at you over the mother’s shoulder. IF you really have to eat in the PSV then at least share your munchies with that kiddo that’s staring at you like he hasn’t eaten for years.

5. Do not sit like you own the vehicle. Buy your own car if you want to sit and be treated like the Queen of England or the Duke of York.

6. Nobody likes to sit next to Little-Miss/Mister-Mouthy. We all just want to get to where we are going in peace. Nobody cares whether you are Mollis’s neighbour, or if you have enough money to pay all the teachers’arrears. Just be quiet. Do not be all garrulous to a person that’s plainly disinterested in making small talk with you. Personally, if you talk to me and I smile at you and blink once, it means I like you and your point of view and I don’t mind engaging with you. Carry on. If I look at you and blink twice, just stop and pretend that you are seated next to a very pretty lifeless mannequin.

7. Do not try to sing along to a song that is playing if you do not know the lyrics,because then you not only look like an elephant trying to hatch a hen’s eggs, but you also sound like it when it wants to mate.

8.Do not yell on the phone like you are under a rocket that’s just taking off. It is enough already that you have a ringtone that can be heard all the way to Timbuktu. Please keep it on the low while you are making conversations on the phone. It’s not like the world will end if you wait till you get to where you are going,then return the call. Pretty sure the person on the other end wouldn’t mind, if he/she knew they were saving a couple of us from ear complications.

9.It gets pretty hard for me to congratulate my man for a job well done last night, or to bitch about the new chic that’s eyeing my man with my bff, with you taking peeks at my phone. I am glad my use of vivid imagery and nothing-left-to-chance descriptions intrigue you so very much, but come on Peeping Tom!Can’t a girl just be in her zone without worrying about your nosy self? Only the vehicle, is public. Everything else remains private, and that is inclusive of my boobs and thighs. Be a good back/side seatmate, and mind your own.