The reasons we shout at our children are many. From asking them (again) to get dressed to finding crayon scribbled all over the kitchen wall, there are all sorts of daily triggers in the life of a parent that warrant a raised voice. It's true that shouting (temporarily) relieves stress but afterwards it's a different story. There's a nagging feeling of having lost control, of both the situation and ourselves. We feel a million miles from the calm, collected parent we'd like to be.

"It just becomes background noise, and your child will learn to zone out. That said, there are some situations in which shouting is necessary and legitimate - for instance, if your child is about to run out in front of a car. Shouting only in these situations means everyone concerned will recognise it's an emergency, rather than 'just mummy shouting again."

Shouting also elevates already sky-high stress levels further. "When you shout at a child they have a fear, or 'fight or flight' response," says child development expert Dr Rebecca Chicot, co-founder of Essential Parent. "This means they are not able to process what you are saying, just that you are shouting, and they'll respond by either shutting down or shouting back."

Remember too that children don't see a situation in the same context adults do. Dr Clare Bailey, lead parenting expert at Parenting Matters, adds:

"It's normal to feel cross if your child charges across your freshly-mopped floor in muddy wellies but they don't attach the same importance to a clean floor as you do. Try to remain empathetic to the situation."

Your 7-point no-shout plan

1. Use your words

"We say this to our children all the time, but sometimes it applies to adults too," says Dr Chicot. "A slow, authoritative tone imparts more gravitas, especially if you explain that a certain behaviour is not acceptable, why and how it makes you feel it. This will help teach your child to be empathic, emotionally literate and assertive when communicating their own needs."

2. Take a time out

Again, this is a strategy we often use with our kids but that can be successfully applied to adults! "I have been known to lock myself in the downstairs cloakroom," says Kathryn Mewes, aka The Three Day Nanny. "Make sure the children are in safe space and then step away for a moment. Breathe deeply and step back into the situation calmly. I talk in a firm voice, different to my usual tone, and this shows a child that I am confident in what I'm saying and that I'm in control."

Who says you always have to 'win' to be a firm and effective parent? "Boundaries are important but you can be flexible within these boundaries," says psychologist Emma Citron. "For instance, you want the TV off now but your child wants 10 more minutes. Agreeing to five more minutes helps your child feel they have some control and are being listened to."

ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

4. Check in with your own feelings

If you blow your top in a situation you'd normally face calmly, you may be anxious about something else. "Taking time to recognise our own state of mind and how that might affect our parenting is important," says Dr Bailey. "Acknowledge your feelings and then try to separate them from your response to your child's irritating behaviour." Easier said than done - but it works!

5. Be empathetic

This can be tough, because showing kindness towards a mini-person intent on pressing all your buttons is asking a lot. "But by trying to understand your child's behaviour, you'll get a better idea of why they're not responding to you," says Dr Bailey. "You'll also be less likely to shout when faced with this behaviour in the future, or able to head it off completely. We often overlook and dismiss the importance of acknowledging our children's feelings for fear of 'spoiling' or giving into them, when the reality is we'd never treat a friend or our partner in that way."

"When you get used to using this technique you can use it to head off shouting matches before they even start," says Dr Bailey.

S - Show sympathy with your child if they're resisting your requests and tell them you understand.

E - Explain why you're asking them to do whatever it is you're asking.

E - Outline your expectations. Let them know how quickly you want them to do something... Then remind them again when the time is up.

D - Divert their attention with a positive alternative.

7. Shouting despite all your best efforts

Remember that children don't need (or want) perfect parents, just parents who are 'good enough'. It's OK to stop mid-shout and admit to your child that you're struggling and you're going to take a moment to calm down. "Most parents shout," says Dr Laura Markham, author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-free Parenting.

"Sometimes we don't even notice we're doing it - our voices just get louder and louder. It isn't easy to stop shouting, especially if you yourself were shouted at. By committing not to shout, stopping talking every time you notice you're raising your voice and giving yourself time to rethink your reaction and respond more calmly, you're rewiring your own brain and showing your child that you're able to manage your emotions. This, in turn, will help them manage theirs."

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.