Last week I was driving toward my home. There is a non-denominational church along the way. In passing my DW said, "we could check them out?" I replied, we could, let me know if you want to do that. I know this church is fairly Evangelical, so probably not my cup of tea. But I was encouraged that my DW is thinking about finding a church where we can all participate fully (she fully accepts that I will always be a half-member in Mormonism).

Fast forward to today. I just returned from my DW's annual family retreat. She gets together with all her cousins and we camp for two days.

She commented to me. Notice how those cousins who are definitely not religious (ie Mormon) are different than my believing cousins. She has a point on this one, there is a distinction. But I think it is more atrributed to education than anything.

She retrenched a little when I mentioned we should check out the other church. I think it mainly has to do with our daughter. We know we are in for a rough time with her in the long run (our years of therapy in and out of the foster system are showing me this). I think having the Mormonism as a backbone feels comfortable.

My thoughts are: we aren't going to church our standards, we get to decide what they are. Our work ethic and access to education for our daughter will be the same (which is good). We have the opportunity to decide which community we want to belong to. We probably will always have a connection to Mormonism in some way, we can pull back in if that really is the best fit; but why not at least look around and start figuring out what we want. I think just taking our Sunday back and making it dedicated family time will be helpful.

What have you done? What would be the best reason you can give to move on with out moving on with who we are (values/goals)? I am not sure what is the best way to approach this. I am feeling some change coming, I just don't want to lose my momentum.

"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

This is complicated stuff. I am making a tiny bit of progress with DW in her beliefs but very little in practice. There are so many Mormon cultural things that are in our blood. I do know what you are saying about extended family who have left or never joined and how they are "different" or "less than" those who are active. Education and expectation in life is often lower among non mormons. But we look at them with the judgmental lense of Mormonism. Who cares if they are doctors or plumbers? Money and education dont always translate into happiness. They do translate into tithing though, which is a big goal of the COJCOLDS.

I am not sure where we will end up. I am pushing boundaries and my teenagers are pushing back for more scripture study, prayer, and all 3 hours at church, even at relatives wards (which they used to protest because they were boring and didn't know anyone).

Good luck with your journey. You may find that a trip to 2 to the other church could push your wife back to Mormonism or open her mind.

For us, little by little, church has been put in its place - not God, but a source of community and to take the best & leave the rest.

Through the rocky transition of my faith crisis, we've still prayed (though I pray differently), still have FHE and still encourage our kids to have high standards when it comes to movies, music, no-smoking, no drinking, being respectful etc. This is one thing DH & I agree & I appreciate his support.
But when it comes to church stuff, coffee/tea - I'm more laid back.

We've traveled quite a bit and that's helped our kids see how there are so many other ways to think & live & Mormonism is not the only or best way in some regards. They've also come to see for themselves some consequences of getting involved with drugs & irresponsible sex. They've seen people living with such consequences & no lecture's necessary. I've also taught my kids about cognitive distortions/logical fallacies.

I am not sure where we will end up. I am pushing boundaries and my teenagers are pushing back for more scripture study, prayer, and all 3 hours at church, even at relatives wards (which they used to protest because they were boring and didn't know anyone).

I find it interesting how kids - especially teens - will almost always rebel against parents. You tell them not to go to church and suddenly, they love church!

It makes me sad for TBMs when they feel broken-hearted about their kids going inactive. I want to tell them that it's fine and to not take on the shame or worry, and that by letting go of all that baggage, it will help them and their kids. But of course, you can only tell people who are open to that kind of paradigm shift.