Just when you think the anti-choicers can’t get any more bizarre, they go and prove themselves crazier than you ever thought they could be. Today’s story comes from my home state of Minnesota, where the abortion rate has risen slightly:

A report issued Monday by the Minnesota Department of Health shows an increase in the number of abortions performed. 14,065 abortions were performed in 2006, compared to 13,362 in 2005, a five percent increase. The rate of increase was even steeper among minors, with 793 abortions performed in 2006, as compared to 682 in 2005, a sixteen percent increase.

Now, you can think of all sorts of reasons that this could be. The rise of abstinence-based education. The rising cost of birth control. Wanton hedonism. Or maybe just a statistical blip. But the Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life know better:

“Planned Parenthood has learned how to take advantage of teenagers and young women by marketing its brand and building relationships to create future abortion customers,” said MCCL executive director Scott Fischbach in a statement. The statement, issued by MCCL in response to the report, cited the opening of two Planned Parenthood mall locations that do not provide abortions as a reason for the increase.

“The spike occurred the same year Planned Parenthood of Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota opened two suburban ‘express’ mall stores targeting young women with scented oils, candles and referrals to its St. Paul abortion center,” the statement said.

Yes, that’s right. It’s all the free swag women get at Planned Parenthood that makes them have abortions. I’m sure many women think, “Boy, I’d really like some more candles. I know! I’ll go have unprotected sex and then have an abortion at Planned Parenthood! I mean, yeah, it’s thousands of dollars and invasive surgery, but hey, free candles!”

Of course, the grown-ups reacted to this like the grown-ups they are:

[Planned Parenthood of MN, ND, and SD President Sarah] Stoesz said those were “wild allegations” not fitting the importance of the issue.

“It’s a shame that anyone would engage in overheated rhetoric and allegations,” she said. “This is why what we do and say is based on sound science and data.”

Stoesz added that she thought the legislature’s increase in funding for contraception could help lower the rate of abortion in coming years.

“Women who lack economic strength lack the money to purchase birth control,” she said. Noting that hormonal birth control can now run up to $60 a month, Stoesz said that women were often forced to choose between paying for food and paying for contraception. “When you’re making $20,000 a year, that’s a big chunk of change,” she said.

Well, yeah. And if the anti-choicers were really pro-lifers, they’d be doing what they could to ensure access to contraception for all. But they’re too busy fighting the mind-control powers of Planned Parenthood’s free key-chains at contraception-only mall locations to join that battle anytime soon.

Stooopid asshooles!!! Maybe Planned Parenthood opened mall locations because of the spike; they aren’t necessarily the cause of it. The only people who should stop having sex are idiots at the MCCL and their kind. No more procreation from them please.

I had this sudden flash of Baby Bear as I read this, and eventually understood why: Baby Bear’s world is turned upside-down by Goldilocks’ unmindful selfishness. Irrationality as immense as Scott Fischbach’s gives me that same feeling of living in a world as chaotic and unreliable as Baby Bear’s.

Look, Planned Parenthood isn’t giving out candles to drum up new business. They’re doing it to poach market share and reatain customer loyalty. You’ll see I’m right when their “Have ten abortions, get the eleventh for free” card is unveiled.

No,they think everyone is as absolutely ridiculously stupid as they are.

Honestly,it’s like they sit around and think of THE most fucking dumbass lie and then see who will believe it. They themselves already have a giant head start.

I’d almost betcha it’s about trying to cause panic to get idiots to give them money too. At the end of the day that’s what alot of this nonsense is about,raising money. Not that these crazyasses aren’t serious about their little theocratic wet dreams,but abortion is a money maker for wingnuts.

It almost makes ya wanna feed these shitheads the most fantastical nonsense ever,just to see if they’ll print it.

I vote for free sandwiches and chips to go with the oils and candles,via a drive thru window where you can get the abortions and the sandwiches,to go.

No,they think everyone is as absolutely ridiculously stupid as they are.

I think that’s it, in a nutshell.

What they are saying, in essence, is that in their world people can be induced into doing something they’d rather not have to even consider simply by offering free goodies. That their own wills are so weak that it seems reasonable that scented candles would tip the scales in making such a significant personal decision.

Geez. I’m really afraid to know what these people would do for a Klondike Bar.

If women if better access to birth control and information about sexuality, abortions tend to go down. Look at the low abortion rates in “Godless” Europe, for instance. Of course many “pro-lifers” are not “pro logic” are they?

If only I had known about the free candles and scented oils BEFORE I made my last trip to Bed Bath & Beyond. When I think of all the money I wasted buying housewares that I could have gotten for free with my monthly abortion, well, it just breaks my heart.

And also… GAHHHHHH!!!

It’s actually very similar to the story that ran earlier in the week about marriage now being less about kids and more about adult fulfillment and partnership. Most people see this as logical, while the American Taliban sees it as the endgame of our X-rated fantasies and wanton attempts to destroy the family. I know that my husband and I and our child are all about destroying families due to our belief in the primacy of adult relationships in adult relationships.

Poor women really can’t afford birth control. For example, just last week when I was using the bathroom I saw condoms went up to 75 CENTS! Can you believe that. How could you ever afford such a thing?!?! This is why abortion is the much better alternative. Plus it’s fun.