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19.10.12

List #153: Confessions

I went to Catholic school for eight years. I went to church two times a week, once for a school mass during the week, and then with my family on Sunday. And multiple times a year they'd walk us across the school parking lot, up the steps to the church, and into the confession booths. I don't remember how many times we had to go to Confession. Maybe during Advent, during Lent, and probably once more before school was out. But what I do remember is that I haven't gone to Confession since they made us go before being Confirmed in the eight grade.

My foundation is in Catholicism, but I don't think I can label myself a Catholic today. For a variety of reasons definitely, my lack of belief and practice in Confession probably no where the biggest. Now when I hear the word confession, I immediately think of the Usher song.

But I do have a confession I think it's one that a lot of people in similar shoes as my own go through.

Here it is: I have a person I can't quit.

He's witty and intelligent. He's sexy and cute. He makes me feel special and I'm pretty sure I do the same for him. He's got a sliver of my heart that is full of confidence in him. I think about him before I fall asleep. I'm pretty sure he's not dating other people, but he isn't exactly dating me. And I know this is doing nothing but prolonging my loneliness and bringing only short-term happiness.

Sure, I can weeks without talking to him. But then links start flying, the conversations start flowing, and we're back into a pattern again. So far I've been okay with separating my emotions, but I know it's not for long. Because let's be honest, I'm not really separating them as much as I am burying them down deep. He's probably just a very good man who is not good for me. But it's hard to step away from something that can be achingly wonderful. I want him to say what I've always wanted him to say. But I don't think he's going to say it.

I've got nothing on my horizon. No dates lined up. No more vacation getaways. No secret crushes. No big night out with the girls. Winter is coming. And I'm feeling like I've got a permanent solo branch on the tree. It's not a terrible branch and I'm not lonely for company. But it just looks a whole lot nicer when someone flies by specifically to see me. To share a few nights together. And to make me feel like I've got something special going on. What's the harm, right? Or maybe, what's the point?

Because I can be told that I'm high-five awesome over and over again. I can love so much of my life and smile every day. But I feel like I've exhausted my efforts and connections. Because I see just enough glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel, I wonder why not just suck it up right now. Because I've never been the one to quit something easily. Because sometimes I guess I want something I can't have.

So dear readers, have you ever had someone you can't quit? How do you break the habit for good? Or has anyone ever stuck with it and ended up a success story? Or is that stuff just romantic urban legend?