i forgot all about posting the image i might use for broken hearted sissies!

sorry.

it was originally a drawing i did entitled "covet", which you can see... ( here.Collapse )

it somehow aquired a couple of glitches en route from paper to jpeg, so i'll have to re-scan it when i get the chance. i went ahead and did a quick edit on photobucket so that you'd get the basic gist, sans-visual glitches.

i realize it's not very "broken hearted", but maybe a few cracks on the heart would fix that. maybe i'll leave it as is. i don't really know, so i guess we'll have to see.

so. it turns out my little heart does not quite go "pitter-pat" any more.

maybe a bit more like a tiger, purring, now. it just beats too fast/hard for its (my) own good, the poor thing. and it explains my shaky hands. they took blood, again, and the nurse said, "wow, even your blood comes out shaky." super, i said. and now i'm on these crazy meds that are usually prescribed to people after they have heart attacks but turns out might actually provoke heart attacks. so, yay.at least the shaking has stopped.

It was good to go home for Christmas. Of course it was good. My Mom is there and The Kids are there and most of my family is there. Somehow, though, it's always so hard to go back. But, it's always so easy once I'm there. Strange. I remember how hard it was when I first moved away. That place was my world, my pond. Now there's that thing that is not quite fear that makes my heart pound and mind race when I think what would happen if I had to move back to my little desert town.

But once I'm there...

Maybe it's the distance that makes me so fond of the little things. The quiet. The mountains. And I swear the sky is a brighter shade of blue. I was tempted to stay through New Year's, but it's not a party if it happens every night...

So. I came back to Atlanta for New Year's where... oh, you know... where I did the things you do for New Year's and it was good and I watched the sun come up and drank expensive champagne that I forgot to pop at midnight with a nice size gathering of my boys. Girls tend to get me in trouble, so I don't mind the testosterone-laden companionship so much. There are only two girls in this city I can see more than twice a week. One that I am fucking, one I am not. One sometimes thinks I'm trying to steal her boyfriend and one that sometimes thinks I'm trying to steal her sanity.

C'est la vie.

New York came and went like the sunrise and sunset.

Meanwhile, the month's almost over and Arm Candy, my favorite cover and good friend, got sent to rehab last week and I'm left feeling sad because I feel selfish because I miss him so. He called me last night and said he'll take me to Europe when he returns and he paused before he said, "so we'll always have Paris". I wanted to tell him how sweet he is despite being so maudlin, but I knew he could hear me smiling over the phone and so I didn't have to. So, instead, I just said "Goodnight, Bogie" because I'm no Ingrid and Atlanta is no Casablanca, despite this blanket of pale purple clouds in the night sky.

last week i withdrew my services from random company a. i feel pretty good about it most of the time. it's usually a bad season for me to be doing things like that, but i'm actually trying to break away from some of these superstitions that i've set up for myself. so.

the holy man and i sat together and spoke over a few red stripes the other night and it was good on my soul. we haven't known each other terribly long, but he has this way of reminding me that all of my favorite pisceans do. the fog isn't quite lifting, but it's dissipating and that's something, no?

meanwhile, circles are shifting. there are new faces at my table and new energies making me tingle with warmth.

winter is apparently the new spring. who knew? it's confusing to my system. my little heart goes pitter-pat and maybe i'll make it through the season without shutting down. tricky, tricky this silly weather; frosty nights but sunny mornings and i can smell the ice melting in the trees.

hm.

she came down from new york on a whim and said "your excuse just won't do anymore" and it's true. i said "we'll see" and she made that face that they all do.

i kept meaning to type out these things that have happened, but it doesn't seem to come out quite right. i kept meaning to articulate the randomness in order to try to make sense of it all. so much has happened. i'm back from new york having slid all of those things into the darkness of the east river. i washed it from my eyes and hands and the images are like shadows of ghosts-- there, but not there. all of it. the night i found myself in a room with 5 virgos and it was discovered that their birthdays fell on the 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, and 15th, respectively and what that energy grew into. the night i had my life physically threatened by someone that, i'm quite sure, had every intention of following through and what happened next. the night i got propositioned by the renaissance queen and the tears that followed. many other strange nights. some bad, some good. too much of the former, just enough of the latter to keep me smiling and in love with this life. as it turns out, there is no sense to be made of any of it. and so what? summer turns to fall. these things just happen.

...

kaiju has reappeared and is broken, but her fire never fades. her presence sharpens my senses effortlessly and she is unaware. i think i like it that way. nein has been gone for weeks and weeks. i only see him in the occasional dream, now. in them, he says things i can never remember when i awake. but i remember that he is smiling. so, i know we're okay, my almond boy and i. oh, autumn, when does lucidity come?

in my dream we were talking and laughing like old times. we were being playful, but i was [still] angry and it was burning my chest. i was treating him like a kindergarten love. flirting in those innocent ways, then picking on him mercilessly. like i do. he tried to stand up to me, but softly. i picked him up by the collar and held him just above me, ready to bite off his head. he smiled and it melted me. like it always does.

...

i went to puddletown a few weeks back. it was like walking into a movie you've seen a hundred times. that familiarwarmloving and oddsuspicioussurreal something. i saw almost everyone i'd hoped to. better than that, i got to spend time with all those i wanted to. needed to. it did my heart and soul good to be back at the side of the darling boy. all possible descriptions of what that time means/t to me will likely fall short. so. what else? hm. not scared- not worried- not anxious... that something i feel sometimes about the boy who reminds me. no matter, though. once i saw him, that all went away. as time has gone i've shed so much of that history. but, i was able to let that thing go in a way i haven't been able to. still, he means so much to me. and i know that will never fade. so. oh, and the weather and the water- i am smiling just recalling all of this. peacock was a treat.

...

work is driving me crazy and i'm going to kill bossman. almost no one believes me. perhaps it is better that way. an ultimatum has been placed before him. the deadline fast approaches. while he's out of town it almost feels easier, just because he's not there and i can keep the gears of the machine going just fine. these back-to-back 12 hour days are bringing my claws out, though. luckily, it seems, august in new york will present itself with plenty of work to do and plenty of fun to have. regardless of ultimatum results. so yay.

I think that if I could get someone to delicately slice into my back along the outer edge of my left shoulder blade, stick their fingers under the flesh of my teres major and subscapularis, and pull the bone there out and away from my spine I'd feel a lot better.

Stress used to build in my neck to the point where I couldn't turn my head left more than an inch or two if I was under a lot of pressure. Now it's in my left shoulder.

Maybe in a few years it'll be in my left shoe and I can just kick it off at the end of a long day.

Bossman is, likewise, traveling south and is at this moment in the Bahamas. Running the office isn't likely causing me enough extra stress to affect me bodily, though. It's just that there's so much happening right now. Occupying the position in his absence is a double-edged sword that I wish was plunged into my shoulder blade and leaned upon like a lever- I bet that'd feel good.

Man, my shoulder hurts.

The reiki therapist is never at the gym when I am. But the sauna is. As is the hot tub. So, yay. What else? I'd been taking such poor care of myself, but am correcting that. I'm still a bit dark around the eyes, though. Bah. But, I've been sleeping better. Such dreams, though! My, my. Also, I've been laughing a lot. It feels good. I feel good.

Kaiju wrote my name on pumpkin seeds. Too cute.

I should be reading through resumes right now, because I'm hiring new blood for the sharks on Thursday.

(running themes: the number 3, salt, that which is, was or will be burnt and thunder.)

heart intact. oh, but that's not true. this is not a dream.ugh. i'm not well. when did gravity become so heavy? i try to stretch and breathe more often, more consciously. but, stress. bah. nein is gone again. this is a pattern, jackass.so, now i'm encouraging her? i can't. i just can't.

It's raining and all of the windows in the house are open. It smells nice. It sounds nice. I'm not at work, but I have a meeting in a few hours. I'll leave here early, splash in puddles and show up grinning. I'll pick up a bottle of wine on the way home that will leave my lips stained plum. I'm okay. It's okay. It's not that I don't hurt as much- I just hurt differently now, dear. Things are different now and you know why and you knew it would be this way. She said I did this to you. Like a domino, she said. She said I'm your domino.

I am so tired. I'm so tired I'm pouting. I can't believe I said I'd go into work today. These twelve hour days are blurring the line between my waking and dreaming lives. Occurances in both realms have me strung tautly between fantasy and reality. Ah, well.

Got a fun package in the mail from one of my boys in Portland, last night.

9. I was going to get my hair relaxed & dyed today, but maybe I'll get it cut really short instead. It's been a while since it's been really short. That might be fun. Though, maybe that'd be a bigger pain in the ass than I'd think. I wonder what she'd think about that. I wonder what he'd think about that. Maybe I'll ask them. Maybe I'll just wait and see what words fall out of my mouth when she asks me how I want it. I'm full of maybes. It's a wonderfully horrid thing. I'm still coming out of my winter slumber. I'm allowed. I'm slow to wake. Anyway. He arrives from New York on Friday. We'll mix business and pleasure, then he'll be gone. It'll be my turn in May, though it should be June. The left coast now requests June. But then, so does a much cheaper Chi-town. So. She gets married in November and she says I have to be there- Colorado. Maybe Texas on a weekend layover. I don't get frequent flyer miles. I should, I just don't. Psychosis. Psychoses. This is such a fun song.