The life of sustainability and sanity in a world that is not

Burning Out

I sat musing today after once again wielding power tools, building something that should have been simple but wasn’t, how hard it is to get off the ground anymore. Prior to this place, I built out the landscaping and urban farm in the city. Thousands of pounds of rock, lumber and topsoil was moved. Of course I was ten years younger then and it didn’t feel nearly as painful. I also recovered a lot faster. 2 and 1/3 years have passed since we bought JAZ Farm. It was a total mess and I remember sitting on the front porch wondering if I had the physical stamina to actually make this place into what it has become. I will likely take on the project to install the rainwater harvesting tanks but other than that, when this greenhouse is built, I HAVE to stop with all this heavy shit. The question of the day isn’t, “are you sore from all the work?” which of course the answer is yes, but rather, “are you NOT in pain today?” The answer is invariably NO!!

This is what it has taken to build the temple. My hips are dust, my knees ache constantly and my right shoulder is beat senseless from hauling everything from chicken feed, to fence posts, to bags of concrete. Every weekend for over 2 years! I haven’t shot my bow in years and my telescope is calling my name.

What keeps me going is the vision of being able to wake up and make breakfast with eggs from our hens, onions, peppers and potatoes from our garden, brew my morning coffee and wander out and walk through the greenhouse, sitting for awhile enjoying the green around me. I’d eventually move on, taking some time to sit and watch the chickens before doing some weeding in the outdoor garden. I long to be able to get out my telescope and look forward to a night of observing rather than wondering if I can even stay awake until sunset and then giving it all up before I even get started. In short, I want to be done with the construction and simply be here with our homestead – our temple to right living and all that being self-sustaining can mean in this day and age.

Sure there will always be projects or repairs needing to be done but they can be hired out, or done over longer periods of time than the whirlwind we have undertaken since December of 2012. We are so proud of this place and everything it has become and what it represents but I am burned out. I don’t WANT to learn a new construction skill. I don’t WANT to have to read up on every disease a pig can get or how to tension a fence, or fight with suppliers of greenhouses, top soil, seed drillers, and all contractors that say they will do something and not show. I want to wake up and think, I’m going to go walk around Eden. After I do that…. who knows. The day is coming soon. 2 more months of hard work and then the rest will become more normal. Solar panels to go off grid – somebody else. Install a wood stove – somebody else. Hook up rainwater harvesting cisterns – yours truly. Replace the shower kits – after having replaced the toilets and sinks myself – somebody else. Its time to let JAZ Farm produce what it was designed to produce – peace, produce, pigs and poultry. Amen