Someone help me please

Hello. I am new to this forum and I am not pregnant or expecting, but I need help because I don't know what to do and I figure people like you can help.

I am 37 and have been married for twelve years to a wonderful man who loves and is great with kids. I am starting to think about what to do about having babies and it is freaking the hell out of me. The problem I have is that I had a relationship in my past with an emotionally abusive bf that I have been fighting to let go of the serious sel esteem and body image issues it left me with. I have also never been a "kid" person, and spending time with my sisters' kids is not something I enjoy. It also doesn't help me that my father has occasionally made comments about my mom being overweight and unhealthy and my mom making comments about my sister's weight gain when she was pregnant.

My problem is that the thought of getting pregnant and all of the body changes that go along with it terrify me because my self esteem is so bad. I am worried that I would make a horrible mom because I have no maternal instincts. I am struggling with tremendous guilt because I feel like my fear and my selfishness are depriving my husband of an experience that I know he wants, and we've been having conversations that I start crying because I feel so bad and guilty. I have no idea how he is able to be so kind and patient; sometimes I feel like he is the only person who has ever really loved me.

Anyway, I have been trying to find new ways to talk to myself about the idea of being pregnant, like thinking about what it would be like to feel a baby kick, having a family, maybe being good at or enjoying being a mom, or the fact that my body will change whether I have a baby or not, or that no one says how smoking hot a little old lady looks when she's laid to rest in her coffin.

I am ashamed because at 37, I still look like a size 2 mid- twenty something young woman, and deep down, I feel like that is the only good quality I have. Please don't think that I am trying to sound proud or vain; I really don't want to sound shallow, although I realize I probably do. I am just in a very difficult place and need help knowing what to do.

Is there anything you could help me with to think about this in a better way? I would appreciate any advice you could offer me.

I might not be the best person to answer this, as I am only 25 and haven't been a size 2 since 4th grade, but you have to ask yourself a few questions and be honest... 1) Do you want children? Would it devastate you to be 50 years old and have no kids and the ability to have them is over? 2) Would you be a cruel, unfeeling, neglectful, or bitter parent towards your kid if you had one and then realized you hated being a parent? 3) Are you feeling guilt towards this subject only because your husband wants kids and you don't?

It's good that you are reaching out for advice because so many women have these same thoughts and have kids, and then end up being a terrible parent that unloads a lifetime of emotional and mental baggage on their children because they secretly resent them. And as a woman, would you pass on an unhealthy body image and self esteem issues to your daughter?

It's perfectly okay to not want kids, and to not have them. Don't feel obligated to do something so life changing because of guilt or pressure. It will end badly for everyone involved.

Thank you for your advice. Honestly, my biggest worry about being a parent is whether I could be good at being a mom. My own mother was not a nurturing person, so I am most worried about treating my own kid the same way without knowing it. That would absolutely kill me.

One other reason I have been thinking about this is because I was just at a friend's dad's funeral, and I really think I would miss not having a family if my husband were to pass away.

[QUOTE=moosey;1965841]Hello. I am new to this forum. HELLO moosey and welcome!

First up you are in the most wonderful place to think about having a baby because you have a loving, devoted husband.

Please do not let the negative relationship you had over 12 years ago to ruin the rest of your life. You have left that time behind you and found true love.

Weight issues. Most people have some kind of hangup about their weight most of us wanting to lose a few more pounds. Most women look wonderful when pregnant and amazingly when baby arrives it is not long before the mother is slim once more. Please do not think you will be destined to a life of being an overweight, unhealthy person because you have a baby. If you decide to be healthy you will be, it is a decision you make not fate that decides that.

And about not being a 'kid' person ie not feeling maternal I can assure you that your babies will be the most wonderful creatures ever invented in your heart, although you may take a no nonsense approach rather than a sentimental approach to being a mother.

I am not sure if this advice is good but I have heard that cancer patients visualise themselves as being fit and well, their positive thoughts help their bodies heal.

Don't be ashamed at being small, my daughter in law had had three children and she is tiny, We live in Australia and I guess her size would be around a size 8 maybe smaller, her 11 year old wears her clothes now.

When I was a young mother I was very skinny and I found one of the overweight mothers at school took aim at me and told me I must be sick to be so small. If you get these attitudes quickly reject them as it is other people's hangups and they have the problem not you.

So be confident in the future, you have the best thing ever a loving and devoted husband. You can look to the future with hope but you need to put aside negative thoughts from the past so if they pop into your head chase them away with a happy thought like "I am pretty" or "I am going to be happy all day".

So remember you are going to wake up tomorrow with a happy attitude to the future and you are not going to worry about your body image or whether you will be a good mother etc, etc. it will all work out if you discard the negative thoughts and remember that you have a great husband and you will make a great mother.

I sense that you are not against having a child you are just worried about how you will feel about the child and as I said before you will love your baby.

If I am wrong and you really DON'T want a baby because they are little stinkers who will ruin your lifestyle and cost you lots of money when you could be cruising around the Caribbean or flying to Las Vegas for some fun etc etc then you need to tell your husband.

I just think your lack of confidence is holding you back - but not anymore - you have a LIFE to LIVE - Enjoy every moment of the future.

Hi Moosey.
There's no right answer. You probably know in your heart what your path is- you just need to get in touch with and articulate those feelings. Perhaps a therapist could help you comb through it all in more depth.
It seems to me that the choice to have a kid should come from a desire of your own, not just from the wish to fulfill your husband's desires. I don't think you're being selfish! That's not a very productive thought, and it's not a kind thought to have about yourself. You're afraid, and the fears you have about your body have history. There's real trauma connected to the body-shame feelings, and your family reinforces them. Those feelings aren't logical, but they can be extremely hard to shake. You owe it to yourself not to let a sh**y ex-boyfriend crush your self-esteem for the rest of your life. Ignore your parents' stupid comments about fat, and seek out different influences. Stop telling yourself that a thin body is your only good quality- that is incredibly disrespectful of yourself, almost an affront to your Maker if you ask me. I'm sure you have many other good and useful qualities. Do things that make you feel cared-for and secure physically, like taking baths, getting massages, being out in nature. Find pictures of gorgeous women with fat on their bodies, women who look like their pelvises might actually be capable of giving birth to a child. MarilynMonroe is a good start. I'm inspired by some of the beautiful fecund Renaissance Madonnas- Piero della Francesca's MadonnaDel Parto and Da Vinci's breastfeeding Madonna. I think mothers' bodies can be incredibly beautiful.
You might surprise yourself with how you feel about motherhood once it's upon you. It's an opportunity to give someone unconditional love, something that's hard to give to oneself. ...Or maybe you won't have kids, and you'll get to spend your time traveling and enjoying a free life with your husband. That could be good too! It's a win-win situation. But work on the shame. And be kind to yourself- it can be a slow process.

Also, absolutely everyone's terrified of turning into their mother. You're not alone.