Dating Maze #352: Awestruck Strikes Out

Coming to grips with unrequited love.

I hope you can help me with a dilemma. I'm convinced that I have found "Ms. Right," but I can't convince her of that fact. Here’s my story, and I hope you can advise me what to do.

I met this woman at a Shabbat dinner for young professionals and was attracted to her right away – she was beautiful, modest and soft-spoken. We spoke a bit at dinner and I followed up the next evening on Facebook. It took her a while to agree to go out with me, and our first two dates were pleasant enough. We had a lot in common – family background, education and some outside interests. I liked her personality and felt she had very fine qualities. Although our conversations were superficial, I didn't expect much more than that at the beginning, and hoped that as we continued to date, we’d begin to relate on a deeper level.

Unfortunately, she didn't feel the same way. After those first two dates, she wouldn't respond to my calls. When we finally spoke, she explained that for various reasons, she wasn't sure if she wanted to date me. I decided to give her some time to sort things through, while we kept in regular contact via text message.

A few weeks later, she suggested that we meet up one evening. I figured that she was still unsure about me and I was “on trial.” This made me nervous and unable to relax, and conversation was difficult. Contact from her dwindled after then, and I figured she had made her mind up. Nevertheless, she agreed to go to dinner with me a few weeks later and we had a nice, but heavily platonic evening. I saw her again at a party recently, but she tried to avoid me and we spoke very little.

She doesn't see me as anything more than a “friend.”

Then came the Dreaded Call. She said that she had enjoyed the time we’d spent together, but didn't see me as anything more than a “friend.” This was no surprise, but hearing it was devastating. That's because even though we'd never developed a deep connection, I had decided that I want to give her my heart and soul. I had indicated some of these feelings, but she has no idea they are this strong!

Now I don't know what to do. I feel like she doesn’t really know me, because on our dates I was too nervous and awestruck to be myself. It takes me a while to feel comfortable. I wish she had given more time to learn who I really am.

Another factor is that I am dating for marriage and she is not there yet. We never discussed this, because I thought it would scare her off. If she felt positive about me, I'd keep dating until she felt ready to focus on marriage.

So do I break contact for a while and try to move on? I feel so strongly about this girl that being friends – yet knowing she’s placed a barrier – is incredibly painful. On the other hand, if I accept her offer and maintain friendly contact, that will give me a chance to show my true self, with the hope that she'll eventually come around to liking me.

Is it reasonable to expect this woman to change her mind about me?

Michael

Dear Michael,

We have received a number of questions from people in situations similar to yours. They feel strongly about another person, who only wants to be friends and is not interested in having a relationship. They wonder if it’s possible to maintain and nurture the friendship in the hope that it will grow into a romantic situation in the future. In our experience, this rarely happens.

We sometimes see this happen when a man and woman were friends as they grew up, or who met in high school or college. Their process of turning the friendship into a serious relationship is an unconscious one. They develop a close emotional connection without realizing how deep it has become. When each decides that they want to begin serious dating, they realize they can begin to view the other person as more than just friends.

For some reason that we can’t explain, the process isn’t the same when a man and woman become friends as adults. If they’re already dating for marriage, they categorize the people in their lives as “friends,” “co-workers I’m friendly with,” or “potential marriage material” and seldom change this viewpoint. The reason for this could be that as we mature, we have a stronger idea of what we want in a marriage partner and come to definitive conclusions that someone either does or doesn’t have that potential. We value the friendship, but because we can’t see the “friend” as a potential spouse, we are not able to make the transition from friend to dating partner.

It is true that sometimes, a friendship between adults will turn into something more. In our experience, it occurs very rarely for people in their mid-20s through late-40s. More often, we see situations where one friend develops feelings for the other that are not reciprocal. Or one of the friends has always seen the other person as someone they might want to date. These people nurture the friendship along, hoping that in time the other will become interested romantically. We’ve known men and women who’ve wasted years silently wishing their secret feelings will be reciprocated, without it ever happening.

Having a mutual friend bring up the subject can save you embarrassment.

We’d advise anyone harboring this secret hope to muster the courage to find out straight if the other person is interested in dating. Instead of doing this directly, we suggest asking a mutual friend to bring up the subject, which can save you and the other person embarrassment if the interest isn’t mutual. They can say:

“I know that you and Rick are friends, but I think you’d be good together as a couple. You get along well and you want the same things out of life. Have you ever considered trying to go out? If you’re interested, I could see what Rick thinks about the idea.”

If she’s interested, you’ve jumpstarted a process that might have taken months or years to come about. If she only wants to be friends, you’ll hopefully be able to accept this information, change your expectations, and look elsewhere for your life partner.

Emotionally Entangled

Your situation is somewhat different in that this woman has made it clear how she feels – and you cannot seem to accept it. When she tells you, “I don’t want to date you anymore. I don’t feel that we’re the right for each other, but I’d like to stay friends,” she’s sending a clear message that, “As nice as you are, nothing will come from our relationship, and don’t expect it to.” She may have offered you friendship to soften the blow of the break-up, or because she genuinely likes you as a person (and may not realize that in doing so she’s given you false hope).

And so… you believe that if you deepen the friendship, she might magically decide you’re right for her once she gets to know you better. But as we explained, this almost never happens. We know it is difficult for you to see so much potential and be told that pursuing this is a waste of time. But it is.

So here’s our advice to anyone who hopes to ignite a courtship after having been told, “I don’t see potential for us and I want to break up and just be friends”: You’re better off not developing any friendship at all. That means no texting, no sending of “cute” emails, no discussing mutual life problems, no turning to each other for advice or emotional support.

If you continue to interact with her, you will become more emotionally entangled.

Even though you hope these communications will help her see the “real you” and change her mind, it probably will not happen. She’ll only view these interactions as part of the “friendship,” while you become even more attracted to her. You will become more emotionally entangled, only making it harder for you once the harsh reality hits. It might take her becoming engaged to someone else for you to realize how futile your efforts were.

Beyond this, the longer your emotional entanglement with this woman continues, the longer you will be “unavailable” to recognize when the person who’s really right for you comes along.

There’s another element to your situation that bears mentioning. Being a couple is more than having good chemistry. It is also two people who are headed in the same direction, with the same goals. In this case, you feel ready for marriage, and she does not. It can be very frustrating for two people to go out with each other when one is looking for a marriage partner and the other for nothing more than a pleasant evening. We suggest that in the future, you only date women who, like you, are dating for marriage.

In this case, even if this woman eventually does come around to making marriage a goal, by that time both of your lives may have taken different directions, to the degree it is clear that dating each other is not a good idea.

For these reasons, we think your wisest move is to acknowledge your feelings for this woman, mourn the fact that she isn’t interested in a deeper relationship, and give yourself closure by graciously declining her offer of continued friendship.

It would be good for you to think about what you’ve learned about yourself as a result of this experience, and how you can put that knowledge to work in the future. For example, you tell us that it’s hard for you to relax and be yourself on dates. It may help to work with a coach to develop this ability.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(8)
Julia,
May 23, 2015 5:09 PM

move on

Unrequited love is life,s #1 heartache. Nothing is worse. Maybe in a couple of years she,all see the light...or not. In any case, take care of YOUR heart. No friendship. Do not respond to her e.mails. if you see her, avoid her. Don,t look at her FB page. Do good things for yourself. Go to the gym. Take a class. Take a vacation if possible. You might want to tell mutual a mutual friend,so they don't,t invite both of you for the same shabbat meal. I promise,you will recover

(7)
Shlomo,
March 19, 2012 12:51 PM

My advice

I know how you feel. Been there myself! My advice (based on real experience) is to tell her via a friend that because of your feelings for her, you cannot be "just friends" or have any relationship with her. You should cut off all ties and move on. If she calls, don't answer. If she SMSs or emails. Don't answer! That way you can recover emotionally and move on to someone else who hopefully will better apreciate you. One more point. Women are strange creatures. Quite often (but not always) when they feel they are being ignored, despite everything they have said about just being friends, they will suddenly start pursuing you! My advice then? Tell her nicely through a friend again, that she's hurt you once and it won't happen again. Move on!

(6)
Anonymous,
February 19, 2012 8:57 AM

This happened to me

When I was dating, a close male friend decided to fall in love with me and encouraged me to start dating him as he was sure we were perfect for each other. Because I respected him so much as a friend, we started dating. I never fell in love with him, was always trying to convince myself that I could love him. It never came. Although I did enjoy the time we spent together. We dated for 3 seperate periods of time and after the last time when we were already both looking for marriage I said "enough" it is not happening, I cannot do this anymore. We split up for the last time and he was devastaed - I was relieved! It was an awful time, but we both met our spouses soon after and many years later are both happily married. I am still very fond of him although we are not really in touch - I guess we hear about each other from time to time through mutual friends.
So my advice to you is - don't prolong your agony, realise she is not for you if she doesn't want you and go looking elsewhere.

(5)
Stephanie,
February 17, 2012 6:24 PM

What about the other way

The three articles currently on my screen are all to do with men's "love" being unrequited. It seems like it isn't fair--what about the other way around? Are women supposed to just automatically know to accept it and move on? Are women not supposed to want or need some assistance or advice in doing so?

kenny,
February 22, 2012 8:13 AM

The other way - if he's not pursuing, accept it and move on.

Life is not fair. Don't waste time on someone who is not pursuing you. Be ready and available for someone who is interested in pursuing you. You only need one.

(4)
Bobby5000,
February 17, 2012 5:33 PM

Second best

As best I can see, you are the backup- if she can't find anything better on a given week, or she is bored, she may call you. It gives her confidence to have you in the pocket, like the safety school who admitted you when you were applying to the top colleges.
I would forget about her. If you do not feel like women are sufficiently responsive, consider improving your appearance or clothes, working out, and/or developing better interpersonal skills.
The worst scenario would be if a woman ended up marrying you just to do it. Then she would be frequently unavailable in various contexts, cold, distant, and you would have a miserable life. Better find someone who you love and who loves you as I did.
Marriage can be demanding enough without going through it with someone who does not really love you.

(3)
Toby Katz,
February 14, 2012 4:17 PM

HER PERFECTION IS IMAGINARY

She seems so perfect for you and so desirable precisely because she is unavailable. She becomes the receptacle for all your longings, hopes, dreams and fantasies. Remind yourself that she has plenty of flaws, some you know about (if you are honest with yourself) and others that you don't. How do I know she has plenty of flaws? Because everyone does!
Right now every other woman you meet falls short because she can't match up to The Perfect Woman. But that Perfect Woman isn't real.
If you have fallen for someone, you can fall for someone else. Your heart is a muscle and you now know that your heart works. Wonderful! Some people never love anyone, can't connect and end up alone all their lives. Mourn the death of the dream, let go, and let your heart be open to another love -- a real one, next time, G-d-willing. There is a woman out there who really WILL BE perfect for you -- and what makes her perfect is that she loves YOU.

(2)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 9:57 PM

Move on

She isn't attracted to you, and no amount of spending time allowing her to "get to know you better" is going to help. You are in the friend-zone and there is no escape. You are better off just breaking off contact and finding someone else.

Shoshana,
February 17, 2012 7:02 PM

move on!

Dear,dear Michael,
Unrequited love is life's #1 heartche for many reasons. You need to get away from her 100%. No texts or e-mails. If you attend the same shul, find another shul. Give yourself some mourning time ( 1 or 2 months), then get busy looking for Ms. Right. You will surely meet her. take care of your own heart and soul.

(1)
Yael,
February 12, 2012 3:34 PM

Please move on

Move on completely. Its so hard to do but ill be easier in the long run, when she dates someone else and you're still waiting to start your life with her. No more communication at all. This will give you a sense of empowerment as well- you are not weak! you said no as well, to the friendship... and you can take a no like a big boy and move on with dignity. Dont become her little dog waiting for attention. If anything, waiting for her will SURELY not make her see you as a life partner. Move on as if she had married someone else. With no hope at all that she'll ever be interested. You say she's great for you but guess what? one of the most important things youre looking for in a wife is someone who is interested in you, who loves you and respects you and wants to share with you. If she doesn't, then she does NOT meet your requirements for a wife and you dotn want her either. You want someone who's into you, you deserve that!

I’m wondering what happened to the House of David. After the end of the Kingdom of Judah was there any memory what happened to King David’s descendants? Is there any family today which can trace its lineage to David – and whom the Messiah might descend from?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you for your good question. There is no question that King David’s descendants are alive today. God promised David through Nathan the Prophet that the monarchy would never depart from his family (II Samuel 7:16). The prophets likewise foretell the ultimate coming of the Messiah, descendant of David, the “branch which will extend from the trunk of Jesse,” who will restore the Davidic dynasty and Israel’s sovereignty (Isaiah 11:1, see also Jeremiah 33:15, Ezekiel 37:25).

King David’s initial dynasty came to an end with the destruction of the First Temple and the Babylonian Exile. In an earlier expulsion King Jehoiachin was exiled by Nebuchadnezzar, together with his family and several thousand of the Torah scholars and higher classes (II Kings 24:14-16). Eleven years later the Temple was destroyed. The final king of Judah, Jehoiachin’s uncle Zedekiah, was too exiled to Babylonia. He was blinded and his children were executed (II Kings 25:7).

However, Jehoiachin and his descendants did survive in exile. Babylonian cuneiform records actually attest to Jehoiachin and his family receiving food rations from the government. I Chronicles 3:17:24 likewise lists several generations of his descendants (either 9 or 15 generations, depending on the precise interpretation of the verses), which would have extended well into the Second Temple era. (One was the notable Zerubbabel, grandson of Jehoiachin, who was one of the leaders of the return to Zion and the construction the Second Temple.)

In Babylonia, the leader of the Jewish community was known as the Reish Galuta (Aramaic for “head of the exile,” called the Exilarch in English). This was a hereditary position recognized by the Babylonian government. Its bearer was generally quite wealthy and powerful, well-connected to the government and wielding much authority over Babylonian Jewry.

According to Jewish tradition, the Exilarch was a direct descendant of Jehoiachin. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 5a) understands Genesis 49:10 – Jacob’s blessing to Judah that “the staff would not be removed from Judah” – as a reference to the Exilarchs in Babylonia, “who would chastise Israel with the staff,” i.e., who exercised temporal authority over the Jewish community. It stands to reason that these descendants of Judah were descendants of David’s house, who would have naturally been the leaders of the Babylonian community, in fulfillment of God’s promise to David that authority would always rest in his descendants.

There is also a chronological work, Seder Olam Zutta (an anonymous text from the early Middle Ages), which lists 39 generations of Exilarchs beginning with Jehoiachin. One of the commentators to Chronicles, the Vilna Gaon, states that the first one was Elionai of I Chronicles 3:23.

The position of Exilarch lasted for many centuries. The Reish Galuta is mentioned quite often in the Talmud. As can be expected, some were quite learned themselves, some deferred to the rabbis for religious matters, while some, especially in the later years, fought them and their authority tooth and nail.

Exilarchs existed well into the Middle Ages, throughout the period of the early medieval scholars known as the Gaonim. The last ones known to history was Hezekiah, who was killed in 1040 by the Babylonian authorities, although he was believed to have had sons who escaped to Iberia. There are likewise later historical references to descendants of the Exilarchs, especially in northern Spain (Catelonia) and southern France (Provence).

Beyond that, there is no concrete evidence as to the whereabouts of King David’s descendants. Supposedly, the great French medieval sage Rashi (R. Shlomo Yitzchaki) traced his lineage to King David, although on a maternal line. (In addition, Rashi himself had only daughters.) The same is said of Rabbi Yehuda Loewe of Prague (the Maharal). Since Ashkenazi Jews are so interrelated, this is a tradition, however dubious today, shared by many Ashkenazi Jews.

In any event, we do not need be concerned today how the Messiah son of David will be identified. He will be a prophet, second only to Moses. God Himself will select him and appoint him to his task. And he himself, with his Divine inspiration, will resolve all other matters of Jewish lineage (Maimonides Hilchot Melachim 12:3).

Yahrtzeit of Kalonymus Z. Wissotzky, a famous Russian Jewish philanthropist who died in 1904. Wissotzky once owned the tea concession for the Czar's entire military operation. Since the Czar's soldiers numbered in the millions and tea drinking was a daily Russian custom, this concession made Wissotzky very rich. One day, Wissotzky was approached by the World Zionist Organization to begin a tea business in Israel. He laughed at this preposterous idea: the market was small, the Turkish bureaucracy was strict, and tea leaves from India were too costly to import. Jewish leaders persisted, and Wissotzky started a small tea company in Israel. After his death, the tea company passed to his heirs. Then in 1917, the communists swept to power in Russia, seizing all of the Wissotzky company's assets. The only business left in their possession was the small tea company in Israel. The family fled Russia, built the Israeli business, and today Wissotzky is a leading brand of tea in Israel, with exports to countries worldwide -- including Russia.

Building by youth may be destructive, while when elders dismantle, it is constructive (Nedarim 40a).

It seems paradoxical, but it is true. We make the most important decisions of our lives when we are young and inexperienced, and our maximum wisdom comes at an age when our lives are essentially behind us, and no decisions of great moment remain to be made.

While the solution to this mystery eludes us, the facts are evident, and we would be wise to adapt to them. When we are young and inexperienced, we can ask our elders for their opinion and then benefit from their wisdom. When their advice does not coincide with what we think is best, we would do ourselves a great service if we deferred to their counsel.

It may not be popular to champion this concept. Although we have emerged from the era of the `60s, when accepting the opinion of anyone over thirty was anathema, the attitude of dismissing older people as antiquated and obsolete has-beens who lack the omniscience of computerized intelligence still lingers on.

Those who refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. We would do well to swallow our youthful pride and benefit from the teachings of the school of experience.

Today I shall...

seek advice from my elders and give more serious consideration to deferring to their advice when it conflicts with my desires.

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