You haven't cared about your appearance for some time now, but the judgy parents at the park don't know that (or maybe they do). Pop a little SoCo into this whore-red faux lipstick container, mix it with some sweet tea, and you'll have an economical, discreet beverage in seconds.

At a beach wedding with a cash bar? Don't let the cheap ass bride and groom get you down! On vacation with your entire terrible extended family? Chances are your mother-in-law is silently counting your drinks. Flip flop flask to the rescue! Fill your plastic hobo shoes with a bit of whisky and pat yourself on the back for planning ahead.

Because carrying around a 25-year old video game cartridge isn't suspicious at all. If anyone asks, tell them it reminds you of your childhood "before the bad" and then start fake crying until they awkwardly back away.

1. Hey kid. We're eating the same thing. Why do you need to sit on my lap and eat from my plate? Why do bites with my full-sized fork taste better than bites from your Sofia the First plate and matching cutlery set that you BEGGED FOR. I don't understand your choices. I like eating with no one in my lap. Did you know that?

2. You're amazing at knowing the second we've gotten into it. How is that? Do you have a sensor? Why don't you want us to be happy? You're crying because our pain brings you joy. Admit it. I'm ten seconds away from turning off the baby monitor, FYI.

3. It's too early for this. Shirts and pants are going to be a part of your everyday life. What's with all of the squirming and crying? As you lay flat on your back on the floor, screaming your head off because I *gasp* want you to cover your nakedness so we can get groceries, I have to wonder...what about clothing offends you?

4. Yesterday this food made you the happiest child on Earth. You ate it the same way I drink: often and with gusto. Why are you acting like it's salty dog turds on a plate today? I don't get it. Is it because I bought it in bulk? You like my tears, don't you?

5. This is my greatest question. It confuses me day in and day out. You're rubbing your eyes. They're red. You're bumping into things. You look drunk on cheap wine. Why won't you lie down and go the f to sleep? Why are you fighting this? If someone offered me rest I'd take it without asking. I daydream about naps. I'd pay money for eight hours of continuous sleep. Please, explain yourself? I need to know.

This was originally made for a trio of roommates, but if your 21+ aged kids are coming home for the holidays, this would make a great gift. Or you can drink all three beers and ponder how fantastic it is to have the house to yourself. Or you can just drink all three beers.

A company called Ginvent has put together a very classy advent calendar with a spot of gin behind every door. This is going to change lives. Sip it while you scrub poop of Thomas the Train 3T underwear. $129

This is for parents fresh out of craps to give and no money because they spent it all on annoying V-Tech devices that require a screwdriver to change the batteries. All you need for this bad boy is a switchblade and a Sharpie, both of which you should keep away from small children. We call this the "Help Me I'm Poor" Advent Calendar.

Eight parenting truths that can no longer be denied.
1. Parenting With An Audience

Whether it's a park or restaurant, when all the other kids are being angels and yours is acting like they just crawled up from the underworld ready to take souls, it's humiliating.

2. Crappy Meals

Every parent has had to leave the table to wipe their kid's butt and then immediately go back to their sloppy joe like, "Is this really happening? Is this my life now?" Yes. Yes it is.

3. Falsifying Documents

Look. We've all been there. And doesn't your child reading their name on the reading log counts as a book?

4. The Toy Situation

If you're like us, your living room looks like the toy fairy took a crap in the middle of it. Yet, it's so much fun to see the look on your kid's face when they get some plastic piece of junk. We're stuck in a vicious cycle.

5. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This goes for secret ice-cream, secret chocolate, and secret snacks. Store them where the kids and your spouse can't find it. Eat in the dead of night.

6. We Live For This

It's an incredible feeling. You go from maximum stress to maximum relaxation in a matter of seconds.

7.Don't Deny It

Other kids might be cute, but yours...well, you could stare at your kid's face all day, right? This is just nature helping us not abandon our kids. Good job, nature. Thank you.

8. "You're ok!"

Never. Appear. Concerned. It sounds wrong, but if you gasp or show any sign of fear over a small tumble, it will increase your child's jackal cry 6,000% and make a Band-Aid inevitable. They don't need that Band-Aid.

Get. This. Book.

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world.

Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside.

I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes.

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down.

My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town.

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

I love mommy so much.
She’s my favorite cutie.

Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie.

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock,

because nobody likes a cockblock.
-------

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on.

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world.

Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside.

I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes.

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down.

My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town.

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock.

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

I love mommy so much.
She’s my favorite cutie.

Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie.

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock,

because nobody likes a cockblock.
-------

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a full color paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.