Two hours. Two hours of filler and Orville Redenbacher plugs and One Republic (AGAIN WITH THE ONE REPUBLIC? Weren’t they on last year’s finale? Someone at NBC loves them some One Republic.). TWO. HOURS. And for what? So that Nick Cannon can open an envelope and tell us that some novelty act has won a million dollar “headlining” act in Las Vegas where they will perform for a couple months before moving to their permanent location in Branson, MO? (No disrespect intended to Branson, MO; Nick Cannon or novelty acts.)

We begin with a montage of the season: the auditions, Las Vegas, the quarter, kilo, and semifinals, the ecstatic judges, the acts that came so close (Oh, Turf! Oh, Dittelman!), Sharon tendering her resignation, and finally the last 6 acts standing, all the while Philip Philips’ “Home” blares furiously in the background because NBC paid A LOT to use that song during the Olympics, and by God, they are going to milk every penny out of it that they can.

That out of the way, we can move on to the part where the final 6 acts perform with actual acts, whom the Producers apparently paired with the contestants by pulling names out of a hat. For instance, first up: David Garibaldi and His CMYKs perform with Flo Rida. Sure. Why not. Absolutely. Makes too much sense, really. David Garibaldi paints … Flo Rida, obviously. Towards the end of the act, Flo Rida grabs a paintbrush and begins slapping some paint on the canvas, and thanks, Flo Rida? But I think David Garibaldi and His CMYKs have got this?

Next up is a performance by someone named Ne-yo. All I see are laser beams. So many laser beams.

William Close is forced to perform with NBC network head-favorite band, One Republic, and his Earth Harp is completely drowned out by One Republic’s VH1 soft rock stylings. The Earth Harp! It is so cool! Not that you would know that over the din of One Republic bellowing their song, “Feel Again.”

Next, for reasons that are unclear, The Untouchables and Olate Dogs are forced to share an act, Frankie J. And the Olate Dogs? They only get about 10 seconds of the song. Why? Why are they getting the shaft? And I begin over thinking the whole thing, worrying that the dogs maybe can’t perform for all that long, maybe it’s too taxing on their tiny little hind legs and if that’s the case, can they headline a Vegas act? Or would that be cruel to make them hop and jump rope and dance for heaven only knows how long in front of a bunch of people who have squandered too much of their disposable income on dollar slots and I miss The Untouchables’ entire performance, whoops.

Hey, remember how there were some bad acts? There were! Some of the auditions, they were bad! Like that guy in the chicken suit who rode around on the tricycle? Or that bimbo who wanted to meet Howard Stern? So bad! Like Burton Crane, and his “Whatcha Gonna Do?” “rap.” Who is brought back onto the stage so as to shuffle around while real rappers, E-40 and The Rangers rap around him. I don’t know what’s happening, Burton doesn’t know what’s happening, no one knows what is happening.

Next there is a bit where Howie Mandel stuffs Big Barry into a duffel bag, makes jokes about his short stature and then delivers him to Howard Stern. Ha?

The Blue Man Group comes out and Blue Mans. It involves giant balls.

There is yet ANOTHER montage of the judges being wacky before Tom Cotter is brought out to “roast” said judges. He is interrupted and schooled by none other than Joan Rivers on how to do a proper roast. And on the one hand, Joan Rivers! If you’re going to be educated on how to roast someone, no one better! On the other hand, Joan Rivers is going to totally upstage you if you are not one of the best comedians out there BECAUSE SHE IS JOAN RIVERS. Sure enough, she runs poor Tom Cotter over, and I have no memory of his act even though he was on for 45 minutes.

Joe Castillo is paired with the PS 22 singers, a bunch of elementary school students. Everyone is adorable! So sweet and earnest and adorable! Related: My teeth are now falling out!

And, finally, some eliminations. The first act to go down is The Untouchables. Predictably, there are tears. Sharon expresses her sympathies and tells the children that it’s her last show, too, and that they will leave hand-in-hand. THIS IS NOT HELPING, SHARON. YOU ARE NOT MAKING THE CHILDREN CRY LESS, SHARON.

The second elimination is Joe Castillo and his inspirational sand. Goodbye, Joe Castillo! You shouldn’t have made it this far, frankly!

The third elimination is David Garibaldi and his CMYKs. Obviously.

And before we eliminate everyone else, we have performances by Justin Bieber and Green Day. During the commercial break, Justin Bieber tells Ryan Seacrest that he doesn’t want to be trapped by the whole “teen idol” thing. A nation weeps for Justin Bieber’s pain. #justinbieberproblems

There is also a Nick Cannon montage, but Nick Cannon = who cares, right? Who cares. Besides Mariah and the twins.

The final three acts are brought out and William Close and his Earth Harp they are eliminated? They are eliminated! How are they eliminated? William Close is very gracious in his concession because he is a big sweet hippie, and what is he going to do, overturn the judges’ table? Come on.

And we are, 4 months later, down to the final two acts: Olate Dogs and Tom Cotter. I do not know who will win. I do not know! And I have to wait for a stupid montage of the final two to learn that … OLATE DOGS! THEY WIN! AND THEY MIGHT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HOUSTON, I CAN’T TELL! HOORAY!

I did not see that coming! But good for them! And how fitting on Sharon’s last show that her favorite act would win it all. Congratulations, Olate Dogs! You are so adorable!

So, did America get it right? Or did Tom Cotter or William Close deserve the win?