I love when someone tells me that something is “simple, but not easy.” Many of the best things in life fit this saying. Fitness. Nutrition. Confidence. Meeting women. Day game. These areas have simple rules for success, and then they require hard work applying those rules.

Expert performance is the same way. It’s simple, but not easy. How simple? The path to becoming an expert can be broken down into three steps that anyone can understand and apply immediately.

1. Focus

This doesn’t mean a general sense of focus. This is referring to taking a microscope on the skills that comprise expert performance. In this step, you break down the skills required of an expert into components you can do repeatedly.

An example of this concept for approaching looks like this:

Describe signals women give off that demonstrates they want to be approached

Being able to prepare meals that will help you reach your health goals

etc.

Any individual skill that seems daunting to master becomes simple when you break it down into the tiniest components possible. Instead of asking big questions like “How do I get better at dating?”, ask little questions like “What is something I can do today in 5 minutes that will make me more attractive?”

2. Feedback

There are two ways to get feedback when you’re developing a skill. The first is to analyze your performance and pay attention to the result. If you go out and approach 15 women and 14 tell you that they have boyfriends, that’s a piece of information you can use to assess your skills. If you attempt a new type of joke in a conversation and get a big laugh from it, that’s another piece of information. Every micro-bit of information you gain in actual conversational practice teaches you something about whether your actions are working, or if you need to correct something.

The other method of obtaining feedback is to have a coach or mentor who can do this for you. Self-experimentation and practice is essential to becoming an expert, but it can’t ever happen at the same rate as when you work with a coach. Learning from a true expert gives you all the advantages of years of experience and highly developed mental models. They can take knowledge from their vast range of experiences and provide you with all the specific cues that you need to be successful.

Osmosis is a powerful concept that’s related. You gain feedback automatically when you surround yourself with people who are successful in the areas you’re working on.

3. Fix it

You get good at things by practicing your skills, applying them effectively, assessing the results, and by modifying as needed. Gaining confidence is a process of constant iteration. When you’ve determined your weaknesses, either on your own or with a coach, the next step is to figure out ways to address them.

This is actually a straightforward process when you’ve broken each skill into the smallest possible parts. If you say one line and you don’t get a good reaction, it’s easy to go out and practice that line multiple times, changing little things about it each time. You can change your delivery, you can change your facial expressions, and you can change the situation you deliver it in. By constantly iterating on this skill, you will slowly learn what works and what doesn’t work.

That’s how experts are created. The difference between an expert and a beginner lies in their mental models of their skill. Everyone has ideas about how a skill should be performed, and beliefs about the natural state of the world in relation to that skill. An expert just has much more thoroughly detailed mental models compared to a beginner, and the expert has a lot more models.

These models are developed through real-world feedback, the kind that the 3 F’s make simple.

One of the biggest regrets of my life starts with my best friend Dan. He was spending his summer in Australia, staying on a vineyard of a mutual friend of ours and spend time traveling. He kept suggesting I join him and I kept saying no.

All in all, he said the trip would cost around $5,000. I was using that as an excuse. Even though I had the money, I told myself the trip would cost too much. I have other things to do on my summer vacation. I had already been to Australia. Whatever I could think of, I used as an excuse not to join him.

In reality, I was afraid. I don’t know exactly what I was afraid of, but I was afraid.

Dan ended up having an amazing experience on the trip. He grew personally, strengthened current relationships, and developed new, long lasting relationships. All while I was in Brooklyn, doing the same old thing.

The following year, my friend and roommate Danny suggested we go to Brasil for the World Cup. It had been his dream to go ever since it was announced. Again, the same excuses came up. It will cost too much. I have other things to do. Whatever excuse you can think of, I had it.

One night, on a call with Robbie, he was asking members to join him for a European trip. Once again, the excuses came up.

While giving my excuses of why I couldn’t go, I had also mentioned that I might be going to Brasil for the World Cup.

“What do you mean you might go?”

“Well, the trip is kind of expensive and I don’t know if I am going to go yet. I might go.”

“Do you like having fun?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like beautiful women?”

“Yes.”

“Then why won’t you go? What are you afraid of?”

I didn’t know the answer. I went to bed looking to discover my true thoughts and find my answer. What was I afraid of?

When I woke up the following morning, I went directly to my computer and purchased my round trip flight to Rio. When Danny walked out of his bedroom, I told him what had just happened.

“I just bought my flight to Rio for the World Cup. I am going with or without you. Your move my friend.”

Danny and I developed an amazing friendship on our two weeks traveling through Brasil during the World Cup and I still consider him one of my closest friends.

My fears were preventing me from growing and developing positive relationships with friends. My fears were preventing me having experiences of a lifetime. My goal now is to say yes whenever an opportunity presents itself to grow and develop friendships and experience life.

I had just gotten off the plane in Belgrade, Serbia and a friend of mine, John, mentioned to me he was was a bit sketched out by the city already. He had heard it was dangerous and his parents had warned him about the city. I hadn’t formed any opinion yet, but I was comfortable and I felt fine. He definitely was not.

Our driver dropped us off outside of an apartment building. Our host started looking for the keys, and he realised he forgot the keys and had to go on a long drive to get them. Not having any access to cell phones or communication, we just had to sit on the sidewalk and wait for Eddie to return with the keys.

I was comfortable and talked with other friends while we waited. I have traveled throughout Europe and Latin America and have been in situations where I didn’t know the language or anyone, but I made it through. When I first started traveling a lot it was uncomfortable, but now I am used to it.

John paced around and you could tell he was nervous. John was only used to traveling in ‘safe’ destinations, such as Western Europe and different parts of America. At this point in time, he was outside of his comfort zone and it was obvious to everyone. Eventually Eddie returned with the keys and we put our bags in the apartment, went out, and enjoyed the city.

In my opinion, this is a good thing for John. When we feel safe in our comfort zone, we never test our limits. John pushed through his limits of comfort and he survived. He is stronger because of it. He is more likely to try new things and continue his pursuit of personal growth.

At many times in my life, I had been too comfortable. This could mean sitting on the couch and watching TV instead of pursuing new relationships. New relationships are challenging. Sitting on your ass watching TV is easy and comfortable. Making myself a better man is challenging. The status quo is comfortable.

Growing up, my parents always pushed me out of my comfort zone. I traveled to Russia for two weeks with a school trip when I was 10 years old. I spent time with my cousins in Panama while not knowing a word of Spanish. I spent time with a family in Denmark and toured Greece and Italy with friends. My parents constantly pushed me outside of my comfort zone.

As an adult, I stopped pushing myself. I was comfortable in life. I made enough money to survive. I would go home and watch TV. I would avoid challenging situations.

With the support of Robbie and the group, I realised I needed to continue to grow and push myself out of my comfort zone. I started traveling again. I put myself out there by talking to women on the street. I started forming better relationships with my friends and family. I started going on more dates, searching for what I want in life, and pushing myself to be the man I want to be. It isn’t always easy and comfortable, and that is the way I like it.

Even though at this point in life, my comfort zone is much larger than John’s comfort zone, I am proud of him for taking steps to push through his. Yes, I was comfortable sitting there in the middle of a city I had never been to. One day, as John continues to grow and push himself out of his comfort zone, he will be too.

Walking around the city of Belgrade in Serbia, you can’t help but notice the immense beauty that radiates from the women here. The education level, the physical features, and the smiles all bring me to want to meet them and get to know them and learn more to explore my natural curiosity. I have challenged myself to talk to as many as possible while being as honest as possible.

Walking up to a girl here, with my heart beating like a Sven Drulea bass drum, the words that come out of my mouth are as follows…”I saw you walking and I just really wanted to come up and introduce myself”. It feels really good to say that. That is the truth. It feels really good to say what I am thinking.

I have come to realize that every time I think that about a girl I see here and I refuse to go up to her and say that, I am lying to myself. I am eating away at my insides, which slowly but surely breaks me down.

Every time you see a girl you want to talk to and you make an excuse for why she won’t talk to you, you are lying to yourself. You are telling yourself a lie to make your life easier in the short run, which is slowly breaking you into pieces in the long run.

We often learn in school about telling lies to others and how it is wrong. When do we ever learn about lying to ourselves?

Being true to yourself, your desires and what you want, is the way to build confidence and develop into the man you want to be. I see a girl, I find her attractive, and I want to talk to her, and that is 100% the truth.

When is the last time you walked up to a girl and told her exactly what was on your mind?

One of the biggest influences during my childhood wasn’t a part of my family, schooling, or friends. It was my soccer coach, Brian Malloy. As a child, I was always willing to listen to what he said. He was a major part of my life. He pushed me to be a better teammate, a better player, and to achieve success in and out of the classroom. My life would be drastically different without his coaching in my adolescence.

During adulthood, I lost the understanding of how valuable a coach can be. Growing up I needed people who saw the world differently and pushed me to be my best, so why not as an adult?

During my mid-20s, life started to stagnate. I thought I knew it all. I thought my career was great, I was in decent shape, and I was a great friend and lover. I was lying to myself.

I was not as successful in my career, fitness, and social and dating as I thought. My classroom was a mess, I was overweight and out of shape, and getting ZERO dates. But through coaching, I got my life back on track and pushed myself to be the man I strive to be.

I had several years of teaching experience and a master’s degree. At all outside appearances I was successful, but the feeling in my classroom was different. I had behavior management issues it was causing major problems for my students’ learning.

Craig Sini and I started working together. He was in my classroom every day and making observations. It was pretty excruciating to think I would be judged on a daily basis. However, his attitude was inspiring. I decided to let go and do what he said. I’d implement his suggestions and my class would improve. Through working with him, I slowly but surely developed into the teacher I wanted to be. He provided positive reinforcement, celebrated my successes, and pushed me to improve my teaching strategies.

At this time, I was overweight and disappointed with my physical health. My good friend Danny was constantly asking me to join Crossfit. One day I just said yes. After inconsistently going to the gy for the previous two years, I had a lot of work to do. My coach Steve was there to push me. I couldn’t do a pull-up when I first started, so he would place supports for me which were gradually removed until I could do one independently. He talked to me about nutrition, taking care of myself, and living a healthy lifestyle. He constantly provided feedback and was a positive support to get my health back on track.

Even though I was finding more success in these areas of my life, I was still struggling socially and in my dating life. Though I had never really been sold on the concept of a dating coach or a confidence coach, I met Robbie Kramer through a good friend, and it changed my life.

Simply by talking about my dating life, he forced me to be honest with myself. I was not dating the women I wanted to be dating. I was pushed to think about friendships and how I provide value. I was pushed to day game. Many times I would see a woman on the street, and have too much fear and lack of knowledge of what to say or do. Robbie not only gave me strategies but also pushed me to go out and do it. With his support and others in our group, I started getting more dates with women I want and created better friendships and relationships that have improved my life drastically.

(That’s Cameron, Robbie, me and Hippie together on the Leverage Trip In Budapest, Hungary)

As a child, I always understood the need for a coach. We need someone to make substitutions, design tactics, and push us to play our best. Now as an adult, I have come to understand the huge value of coaches in all aspects of my life. Craig pushed me to be a better teacher, Steve pushed me to improve my physical health, and Robbie Kramer pushed me to improve my social and dating life. All of them helped me live a fulfilling live based on my values, and be the man I strive to be.

When I first began to learn about success with women, I found it maddening how often I would hear my dating coaches and mentors tell me that, “height doesn’t matter.”

It made no impression on me at the time that plenty of guys far shorter than me were getting better results, or that many of the top instructors in the dating industry were well below average height.

I was still fixated on the past. I would think back to all the times I went out in college with my golf teammates. I was usually one of the shortest guys in the group and had no doubt that this was why I wasn’t getting good results with women.

For one thing, I think all these studies actually tell us relatively little about the real world. While there may be an evolutionary basis for women’s preference for tall men, my sense is that academic studies point to exaggerated conclusions about how pronounced this preference really is.

I’m obviously not a social scientist, but a number of things make me skeptical about how much the studies can tell us:

Much of the data researchers use is from online dating; yet when it comes to online dating, a hot woman’s experience bears little resemblance to the real world. Within minutes of logging on, girls are overwhelmed by dozens of messages from clueless guys. With relatively little information to go on, height becomes a convenient way for girls to sift through the messages. What researchers don’t mention in their studies is how often women either flake or simply refuse to actually meet the guys they respond to online.

More importantly, general findings have almost no relevance to any individual guy who makes the decision to improve with girls.

Dating isn’t like the NBA, where every basketball player is competing for a small number of positions. In these sorts of situations, it’s true that you can only make it with both ideal genetics and outlier talent.

Finding dates is more like finding a fulfilling career. There are all sorts of reasons why you might not get any one particular job, but the economy generally is full of opportunities for people with all sorts of different skills.

No one obsesses over the one HR manager who didn’t like the format of your resume. So why are guys so damn insistent on chasing the girls who don’t want them?

I am citing all these head-spinning academic articles to illustrate a simple point: Height is just like any other quality that might influence whether or not any one specific girl rejects you. Women reject men for all sorts of reasons. In most specific cases, you’ll probably never really know why.

Even the most attractive men get rejected the vast majority of times they approach a girl. As I explained in a recent interview on the Pick-Up Change podcast, when I’m at my very best, I can convert 2 out of 10 day game approaches into some sort of physical relationship. And this is after doing thousands of approaches all over the world and making a full-time living as a dating coach.

Psychologists Leslie Martel and Henry Biller reached a similar conclusion in their book length study on Stature and Stigma: The Biopsychosocial Development of Short Males: “modest stature deficits among adult males well within the normal distribution, such as being relatively short (e.g., 5’5’’ or even 5’7 or 5’8”), may be associated with a vulnerability to certain types of psychological difficulties and personality adaptations.”

This is probably what Ian Fleming had in mind in Goldfingerwhen he described James Bond’s prejudice against short men:

Bond had always mistrusted short men. They grew up from childhood with an inferiority complex. All their lives they would strive to be bigger than others who had teased them as a child. Napoleon had been short, and Hitler. It was the short men that created all the trouble in the world.

Or maybe from our (literally) one-size-fits-all school system. Finch noticed that insecurities about height are exacerbated in adolescence. This might be because perfectly normal kids who mature and develop at different rates are forced to compete with other kids who are the same chronological age, but at radically different phases of their psychosocial development.

Psychologists Mary Jones and Nancy Bayley in fact found a remarkable difference in how adults and other children tend to treat physically accelerated boys:

Those who are physically accelerated are usually accepted and treated by adults and other children as more mature. They appear to have relatively little need to strive for status. From their ranks come the outstanding student body leaders in senior high school. In contrast, the physically retarded boys exhibit many forms of relatively immature behavior: this may be in part because- others tend to treat them as the little boys they appear to be. Furthermore, a fair proportion of these boys give evidence of needing to counteract their physical disadvantage in some way—usually by greater activity and striving for attention, although in some cases by withdrawal.

In fact, I’ve been on the receiving end of this nonsense ever since I began dating my girlfriend Carly. Carly and I are the same height – 5’9’’ — and when she is wearing heels, she towers up to 6 inches over my head.

I like it. It turns me on. It’s no problem whatsoever.

And not only has Carly never complained about my height, I’ve never heard any of her model friends – all of whom are quite tall – make a fuss about height.

What they’re doing, of course, is projecting their own insecurities about their height – insecurities that have little actual basis in reality.

The Way Forward for Short Guys

As a dating coach, I have every incentive to tell you that being short is a serious obstacle – one that short guys can only get handled after spewing cash on all kinds of snake oil products.

But here’s the simple truth: Any guy who is determined to get their dating life handled, regardless of his height, is in for a lot of pain. Short guys may have a smaller margin of error, and they probably won’t be able to rely on “good-looking guy game” as Nick Krauser calls it. But overall, their path to success is really no different from anyone else.

Short guys, like everyone else, need to accept what they cannot control, focus on what they can control, and leverage every aspect of their lives to their advantage.

To any short guys who are reading this, here’s my personal promise: If you stop making excuses, take action, and implement even a small fraction of the free advice on my website, you’ll already be miles ahead of the average guy in mainstream society. I can guarantee that your results with women will improve regardless of your height.

And if you work with a coach and mastermind group that are good fits for you – and put in the necessary work — you’ll join a very small echelon of guys who get girls far more attractive than what conventional wisdom says is possible.

What do you think? If you’re a short guy, does this article ring true? If, not why not? Curious to hear your feedback. Leave a comment or shoot me an email at robbie@innerconfidence.com.

And stay tuned. I plan to send out some more thoughts on this subject in a forthcoming post.

Our society does a great job of instilling shame in men. Growing up as kids, and even into our adult lives, we’re told toxic messages that can hold us back for a lifetime.

Sometimes this shame originates from the people around us. Our parents or friends tell us these messages explicitly: that guy’s a player and you shouldn’t be like that. Or they could be more subtle messages from the media and movies: in order to get a girl to like you, you need to be nice and submissive.

People mean well when they give us this kind of advice. Despite their good intentions, they miss how these messages teach men that their desires are unacceptable, and that being masculine is a bad character trait. Compound this with all the men who have grown up without a strong father figure, and things get even worse.

As a result, men today are scared. They’re scared to approach beautiful women. They’re scared to be masculine for fear of stepping on toes. They’re scared to express who they really are. They’re afraid of meeting women. They live their lives devoid of meaningful companionships, opting instead for the comforting yet numb experiences of internet porn and video games. They walk on eggshells and don’t express themselves.

Men have become deathly afraid of getting rejected by women.

You don’t have to live this way.
It’s ok to be a sexual being.
It’s ok to want to sleep with hot women.
It’s ok to want to sleep with multiple women.
It’s ok to express your desires, feelings, and fears honestly and openly.It’s ok to be rejected.

What’s the antidote for feeling scared and weak? It’s being a man and facing your fears head-on. With dating, that means getting rejected.

Learning to deal with rejection teaches you how to be a man. Part of being a confident, masculine being is accepting that sometimes things don’t go our way, and being composed when the inevitable disappointments occur.

Connection and companionship give more purpose and meaning to our lives than anything else. You must get rejected to find and create meaningful these relationships with women. Relationships are built on vulnerability. You can’t be vulnerable without risking rejection.

The ONLY way to get better with women is to get rejected more. I wish there was a “hack” or a way around it, but sorry, there just isn’t. Robbie is better with women than anyone you know because he has been rejected more times than anyone you know. And even a guy like Robbie will only expect to connect with about 3 or 4 women out of 10 during day game.

But if there was anything that’s close to a shortcut, it’s this:

The fear of rejection hurts more than actually getting rejected.

Anxiety doesn’t exist in the present moment. Anxiety is only something you feel about the future. When you’re actually feeling it in the present, it’s only fear, which is much easier to deal with. Any amount of fear is something you can and will live through.

The pain of rejection is a short-term experience. Pain is what you experience when you push yourself outside your comfort zone. Think of the struggle of a hard workout at the gym. It’s uncomfortable while you’re experiencing it, but it goes away. You become stronger as a result.

Our minds are amazingly skilled at (wrongly) anticipating how bad it would feel to get rejected. They jump to conclusions, and imagine the worst possible scenario where everyone is watching you, and where you’ll run into the girl you approached again and be embarrassed.

Fortunately, that’s not how it goes. A girl who isn’t interested moves on and forgets about the interaction. Unless you choose to ruminate on it, you do too. You learn something you can use next time. It’s never as bad as you expect it to be.

You will always thank yourself later for being vulnerable and improving your social skills.

There is rarely a downside to being assertive and asking for what you want. The happiest, most fulfilled men are the ones who go after everything they value in life, and it’s not a coincidence that these men are the ones that women are the most drawn to.

The men who get rejected the most are the ones who succeed the most, and so getting rejected is crucial to your dating success.

Women pay attention to your clothing. Your personal style can signal your positive, attractive traits, or it can repel hot women away from you. What’s the minimalist, easy way to make sure you always look good? It’s simple. Keep items in your wardrobe that will always be in style, and nail down your fundamentals.

1. The White Shirt
Any combination of crew-neck/long sleeve or long sleeve/v-neck will work. Make sure you get a few of each style that works for you. White gets dirty easily, and to a woman, there’s nothing worse than meeting a nice guy and not being able to concentrate on anything but the red spaghetti stains dripping down his shirt.

2. Ditch the other stains too
I’ll spare the pictures for this one. However, If you have shirts that tend to show when you perspire, don’t wear them out. If you don’t know or its questionable, don’t wear them out… Stay with white, dark greys, dark blues, and black. If you perspire at an uncomfortable amount, look into some over-the-counter medicine or talk with a medical professional. This especially important during day game where she’ll notice the littlest imperfection in your outfit.

3. Dark wash jeans are your best friend
While it’s true that black, white, khaki, and colored jeans can look awesome, they all go through their fazes of being “cool” or in style. Dark wash blue jeans are your one pair that will never have to leave you. I’d suggest investing a decent amount into these. The ones listed above you can get at Nordstrom for $82.00. Make sure to get “straight leg” versus skinny or slim fit.

4. You’re not 16 anymore, so keep your shoes cleaned

Please, never wear old running shoes outside of the gym. Scoffs and dirty shoelaces can be cleaned with dish soap or hydrogen peroxide with minimal effort. Take the time to clean them so your shoes are always looking new. If they don’t look new after a good cleaning, it’s time to invest in a new pair.

5. Wear your Inner Confidence
The best thing you could ever own is you. Whatever outfit you’re in, no matter the setting, it’s important to carry yourself with a strong and confident demeanor. Especially when meeting women, always greet people with a firm, strong handshake. Look at people in the eye, and smile when they’re talking to you. Stay in good shape. Taking charge of your overall health is a necessary and admirable trait. If you believe you’re the best, other people will too.

When things don’t go your way, it’s easy to place the blame on anything but yourself. It’s a natural reaction for most people.

Didn’t get that promotion? Boss must have it in for you. Car accident? You’re a perfect driver so it was the other guy’s fault. Can’t lose weight? Bad genetics.

While it’s easy to say this is bad, this tendency has some value. It can serve as a psychological defense mechanism that prevents people from thinking depressing thoughts. If we were to act as if everything negative in our lives is our fault, we’d get overwhelmed and depressed, so it’s understandable why people shield their egos by externalizing the blame for bad events.

But what happens when we take the opposite action, and accept responsibility for the ways that our lives suck? It’s not what most expect. People who decide to do this don’t get depressed. In fact, psychologists have done studies that demonstrate that people who take personal responsibility for the bad things in their life are actually happier and better at reaching their goals than people who have believable, external reasons for the bad things that happen to them.

Why is that? When we take responsibility for our role in a negative situation, we can then take action to fix it.

Another example: you approach a girl and she says she can’t talk because she’s in a hurry. Guy A externalizes the outcome of the situation, and says that it’s likely she really is in a hurry. It’s believable and understandable. Guy B assumes it’s his fault she wants to leave, taking responsibility.

In a situation like this, it’s probably equally likely that each of them is correct. But play this situation out 100 times. Who will be a better conversationalist after the 100th time this happens? Clearly Guy B will have an advantage, because he will have adapted his behavior to better fit the situation.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who was actually correct. What matters is that Guy B assumed he had some responsibility, so was able to grow from it. Even if it was only 5% his fault the girl wanted to leave, he will STILL end up in a better situation after repeating this. Being objective takes your ego out of the equation.

The next time something doesn’t go the way you want it to, look objectively at the situation. You are not a victim. Even if only 5% of it was legitimately your fault, you will still be better off by taking complete responsibility for it.

People who constantly have “bad luck” and “accidents” are often objectively different in their behavior from people who seem to always catch lucky breaks. The real difference is that people with “good luck” take responsibility when things go wrong, and people with “bad luck” always have a scapegoat ready.

Let’s revisit those examples we discussed earlier. Guess what, you may be completely right, but unfortunately in life being right often doesn’t matter. Maybe your boss legitimately doesn’t like you; at the end of the day, you’re still making less money. Maybe the car accident was completely the other driver’s fault- the result is that you don’t take any action to avoid similar accidents in the future. Maybe you have the worst genetics in the world- sorry, you’re still fat.

Your life is no better off, despite you being right. Whether or not your excuse is correct, it’s still an excuse. Instead of doing what 99% of people do, be objective when things go wrong and accept some responsibility, because it pays off.

Knowing how to accept feedback when things go wrong is a crucial part of acting like an adult. Most people say they want others to be upfront and tell them the truth, but their behavior doesn’t back up their words. If you want people to tell you the truth, you need to not get defensive or reactive when they give you feedback. If you shoot down their feedback by getting defensive or rebutting it, you’ll stop getting feedback. Getting honest feedback can be difficult, as we often feel it attacks the core of who we are.

For the past month, I have been building a new lifestyle for myself. I’ve been working towards complete location independence. I spoke with a friend yesterday who’s also interested in a similar lifestyle. He wants to work remotely and travel comfortably, while not depleting his bank account.

I told him he should work while he travels, and his first response to me was “It’s a good idea, but I’m just trying to figure out the kind of work I can do while I travel. I’ve been in the restaurant industry for 15 years, and the skills I have aren’t that transferrable, or easy to automate.”

What do you think my first reaction to his response was? I thought it was crazy! He’s been in his industry for 15 years, and has developed some of the most transferrable skills in the world. Every cruise ship, hotel, city, and town in the world has a need for people who excel at managing restaurants, working with people, and understanding customer service.

He’s only thinking of hard skills, and forgetting what could be arguably more important in his case: soft skills. Hard skills are those that one learns through academic, formalized, or professional training. They are skills such as how to code, how to change a tire, or how to swim. It is any skill that can be described by an ordered process, or a specific technique.

This is in contrast to a soft skill, which is acquired outside the traditional methods of teaching, such as social skills, awareness, or writing. Soft skills tend to be much broader in scope, making them more difficult to target for improvement, yet more important as they affect many areas of your life.

My friend has clearly been very successful in his industry- you have to be if you have been there for 15 years. He’s just forgetting about the soft skills he’s developed that can form the foundation of a remote career. He’s only thinking of hard skills.

What he needs to do now is start to become know as a leader and expert in his field. There are several ways to do this. With a little bit of work, I fully believe he will have people knocking at his door, or rather his email inbox, looking to hire him.

One of the first thing I suggested he do is to start writing about his experiences. He should write about everything: what he does every day, how manages his team, what drinks he makes, how to deal with unhappy customers. Just write about everything!

Writing is the easiest way to become known as a subject matter expert in your industry, and with the internet, there is no barrier to entry to get your writing published. All he needs is to open up an account on medium.com or some other blogging website and click upload. Instantly his work is live for others to see and start recognizing him as the industry expert that he already is. Writing is also great because it helps you develop your skills and discover yourself, as Daniel Pink discusses here in this must-watch convocation speech:

The next thing he is going to have to start doing it putting himself out there and networking with people. While writing is one piece of the puzzle, until people actually know who you are, you can’t become known as that industry expert. Networking is probably the most important skill there is. That said, don’t think of it as “networking,” and instead concentrate on building your social life. When you go into a situation with the “networking” mindset, you fail before you’ve gotten there because your mindset sabotages your approach. You becomes completely inauthentic. But if you go to have fun, take a genuine interest in people and give zero fucks, you create real relationships that lead to the kind of lifestyle you want to build.

People like to relate to people, and once someone gets to know you and like you as an individual, they are going to want to hire you to do what you are an expert in. I told my friend that he can then leverage his writing with these people you network with to give himself credibility. Once someone talks to you and you can back it up with content you’ve created, you have now added the second piece of the puzzle to get to that goal of becoming that subject matter expert.

The third thing I think he is going to have to do is make the jump. At some point, he is going to have to force starting a location independent lifestyle, whether he has the money to do it or not. There is no better way to immerse yourself in a lifestyle than to just start doing it. I don’t know his current financial situation, but at the very least he probably has enough saved up for at least a couple months of travel. You can always return to your old life, but starting a new one is a jump that takes a big leap of faith.

Let’s take myself as an example. I’m doing the same right now- I am writing this post from the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on a cruise ship bound for Europe. I’m living on savings right now, but rather than viewing traveling as an expense, I’m viewing it as an investment in my future. I now have time to work on my own projects, work on my writing, and do things that are important to me. When I had a full-time 9-5 job in New York City, I never had those opportunities, since I was always dependent on what my boss wanted me to do during the day rather than what I wanted to do. I can always go back to my old lifestyle if I want to. I won’t always have the opportunity to travel and invest in myself, and now is the time.

It all really comes down to focusing your energy in the direction you want to head, and building transferable skills you can leverage. You need to start doing something and putting yourself out there- the rest will fall into place with time after you make the leap of faith.

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