Advice to Youth 3: Survival

Saving Your Dignity, Your Fortune and Your Life

For those of you who attended the two previous “Advice to Youth” sessions, this will be a natural move from theories to practical advice on Survival.

Newcomers will not be able to follow this unless they first read parts one and two, so please leave now.

The Art of Snoring

So, Young Man, you have come across supposed advice from various wimps masquerading as experts, ready to tell you how they managed to crawl and beg for their wives and/or girlfriends to take them back after said wives/girlfriends kicked the so called experts out. These wimps not only have the gall to brag about their ability to make a complete horse’s ass of themselves, they actually offer to show you how to do it yourself. Ignore them with the manly contempt that they deserve.

The first obvious question you should ask yourself is that, if they are such experts, why were they kicked out in the first place? They are actually NOT WANTED ANY MORE!

The secret is never to reach that point in the first place and in order to avoid doing that you must have boundaries and limitations, both for yourself and for your wife/girlfriend. One of the basic rules of survival is to be ready at any time to leave her, at the slightest provocation. No ifs or buts. Pack your bags and leave. There must be no doubt in her mind that you will do this.

What if she doesn’t care if you leave, I hear you ask? If she doesn’t, then you have already failed you poor fish and you might as well leave with whatever dignity you have left intact. Find a woman who will love YOU unconditionally.

Women either love or they do not. There is no in between. If they do not, they will tolerate you for a period of time during which they shall be carefully looking for someone to replace you with. Leave them first and they shall never be able to forgive or forget you.

How do you known if they truly love you? Give them the snoring test.

The Snoring Test

Apologise to your wife for your snoring and if you see your wife’s face break out into a tender smile at the memory of your snoring as if she is looking at a newborn baby, then you know she truly loves you. If she makes a face of annoyance, pack your bags. A wife who loves will quietly go and buy earplugs and whenever you mention your snoring, she will smile at you tenderly and say that she likes it. It took me four years to realise that my wife was wearing earplugs in bed!

The Saliva Test

There is almost nothing more disgusting than the saliva of a person that you do not like. So if your wife kisses you several times a day and if her kisses are those sloppy kisses like a puppy slobbering all over you, then be content and reciprocate because that is true love.

If on the other hand she pretends not to see when you make a gesture of affection, do not give her the opportunity to pretend a second time. Pack your bags and leave immediately.

God’s Lesson in Humility

In His infinite wisdom, the Good Lord has made sure that even the most successful and arrogant male has his daily moment of enforced humility. Knowing what bastards we men can be when we become overly cocky, He has ensured that our digestive system works differently from the female of the species, in that ours is by far the noisier one.

Clever men can utilise this drawback and turn it into an advantage, by using it to test the measure of their wife’s love for them. So every morning, when you visit your en suite bathroom and you feel humiliated by the noisy plumbing the Good Lord in His Infinite Humour smilingly endowed you with, whisper a quiet “sorry” at every embarrassing sound you make. As if responding to an elephant’s trumpet love call, you will immediately hear the response:

“My looooooove, I can’t hear a thing, don’t be silly”.

Having deliberately whispered your soul-destroying apology, you know that if she heard the apology, she could not fail to hear everything else. In any case, what is she exactly telling you she cannot hear? THAT, Young Man, is true love.

If on the other hand she makes a derogatory comment, pack your bags and leave. There are more apples waiting to be picked in that great orchard outside.

Reading Between the Lines

Always, but always read between the lines of what people are saying. See if you can find anything wrong with this statement:

“His treatment has had a very considerable success and if he continues with it he poses a low risk of offending, the report added”.

Now let me highlight some words for you:

“His treatment has had a “very considerable success” and “if” he continues with it he poses a “low risk of offending”, the report added.

This is a psychiatrist’s report to a court, recommending the release of a prisoner. Even though at the first reading the recommendation appears to enthusiastically support the release of the prisoner, on second reading the psychologist making the apparently favourable recommendation is not really sure and he is protecting his backside in case the prisoner re-offends.

· VERY CONSIDERABLE SUCCESS: Instead of saying that the criminal is cured, the criminal has had “very considerable success”, therefore considerable is not total or absolute success. In other words, the criminal is not completely cured as yet, according to the psychiatrist recommending the criminal’s release.

· “IF” the criminal continues the treatment. In other words, if he stops taking his medication once he is out, it will not be the psychiatrist’s fault.

· LOW RISK OF OFFENDING. In other words, he does pose a risk of offending, but a low one. If he re-offends, the psychiatrist will say that he had actually pointed this possibility out to the court and it was the court’s decision to let the criminal out.

And who is the criminal whose release the psychiatrist is recommending while at the same time covering his irresponsible ass? Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper who raped and killed 13 women.

In other words, listen to what people are really saying, not what they want you to think they are saying.

Choosing Your Friends

We are social animals and we need the companionship of other humans, therefore we form friendships. However, such friendships must be real and reliable ones.

Imagine that you crash-land on a desert island with a friend and he has the only piece of bread in his pocket.

· If he gives you less than half, kill him on the spot, as you are likely to end up as his lunch in another week.

· If he carefully measures out half, sleep with one eye open and be ready for the worst.

· However, if he gives you more than half, trust him with your life and be ready to sacrifice your own life for him, because you are not likely to find another friend like that.

Never be afraid to make the first gesture of friendship and always acknowledge others’ gestures towards you.

In conclusion, my Pimple Faced Young Friend, note that I have been here for only a few weeks, but I am blessed by having come across people with wonderful qualities whose stories are enriching, their Hubs worth visiting and their comments helpful and constructive. You would do well to learn from them as I have, by visiting their sites. Some of them are:

Comments 38 comments

De Greek, your words of wisdom astound as always! Hope you are planning to compile them into a book - there are legions of pimply faced young men who could benefit from your advice! :D

And thank you for counting me among your friends! :)

_cheryl_ 6 years ago from California

I love this! Yay for part 3 (clapping). Why don't you make this a continual hub...You really should just write a book why dontcha! I'd buy it. =) Your so kind for adding a link for me. I really appreciate that, and especially enjoyed your part 3. "If he gives you less than half, kill him on the spot, as you are likely to end up as his lunch in another week." LOL! Well done De Greek.

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Girls, girls, girls.... What are you trying to do to me? My ego is already humongous and such praise from accomplished writers is not good for me. :-)

But thank you anyway. I looove flattery :-))))

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

This is just too funny! You know those wimps I referred to above? One of them is actually advertising on this very page!

QUOTE

I know EXACTLY how much breaking up sucks!

From: Jason Hicks

Underground Breakup Expert

UNQUOTE !!!!

Enjoy it before they catch on to it and remove it. My personal opinion? Don't buy anything from this looser!!!..... :-)))

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Brilliant! Wise words indeed but how come you are trying to educate the spotty Herberts out there.

But surely half the fun in the ongoing Battle of the Sexes is PAIN!

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

What a cynic you are Merlin!

And why not educate the little treasures? It will keep them out of Borstal school :-)

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Merl, did that advertisement I referred to above show up on your computer? If so, isn't it hilarious?

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Yeah I read it! $67.... What some people will do to earn a crust.

Not like the guy in the bar crying into his beer. Bemoaning the fact that his best mate had run off with his wife...

Love your writing style! Brilliant hub - even if I can't say I agree with it. I hate men snoring and farting and all the things they do, but I still love them :))

But taken lightly as it was meant to be, brilliant piece of writing and you really should consider writing a book.

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Who mentioned the "F" word????? No me! And snoring? Women do it as well!!! You may not be able to hear yourself, but place a recorder next to your bed tonight and you might feel more charitable toward us poor, lamentable males tomorrow :-)))

Where have you been? I missed you :-))

Lee B 6 years ago from New Mexico

Did not laugh but HOWLED with laughter! The beauty of this all is that, not only is it funny, but damn good advice. However, I must take issue: I DO NOT SNORE! That was a passing tugboat that woke me up last night.

IzzyM 6 years ago from UK

OK I admit. I snore!

But hey there are worse things in the world! I've just recommended this hub on the forums. It really is that good! People need cheering up :)

bimbomadness 6 years ago from wellington,NZ

great topic u have here.have u ever thought of publishing a book that would really help people with these useful tips of yours which i think is extravagantly superb!

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Our friend Merlin is the only published author here and needs our help to get some publicity and promotion. Let us all try to help as much

as we can, please.. :-)

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Lee!!! I get so much pleasure whenever I see you here. And I have commented on your wonderful hub about "To Kill a Mockingbird". I hope that the others visiting here will come over to read it, as it really moved ME. It’s terrible being an emotional Mediterranean guy who cannot help crying whenever he reads something touching! Always make a fool of myself :-)

Thank you for passing by and commenting…

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Hi Izzy. I knew that you don't have it in you to be negative..:-)) Snoring is a human condition. It is how we respond to it when our partners are suffering the condition that is important. My wife's ingenuity to go and buy ear plugs captivated my heart. The same happens every time she lies to me, saying that she LIKES to hear me snore! How extreme is that? :-)

And thank you for recommending my hub to others. I am not registered for advertising revenue, but it is good to see people passing by, commenting and becoming friends… :-)

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Bimbomadness, I have a bone to pick with you Young Lady! I shall be VERY cross with you if I find you pandering again to those who are miles beneath you in intelligence and who are not worth the dust beneath your feet. They are the bimbos, child and you are a Goddess. I am going to keep an eye out for your exam results so be ready to hand them over.. :-)

Thank you for passing by and for commenting...

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Hey De Greek ! Looks like you've pulled you lucky dog you !

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

I also noticed your comment to Lee B above about emotion.

If as a writer you can trigger an emotional reaction within the reader, such as tears or joy, then that is true talent.

To feel a lump in the throat or the start of a tear when reading is nothing to be ashamed of it just means that the writer has captured the moment to perfection and drawn you in to their world. Brilliant.

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Dear Miss Koya,,

Thank you for your kind offer.

Even though my wife is currently immobilized in bed for over a week now, due to an unfortunate accident, unable to perform her wifely duties and even though as a result even Merl is ALMOST beginning to look good to me (he actually begins to look human), my religious upbringing prevents me from taking a step outside the family nest.

Despite the desperation of my current situation (and my reference to Merl should speak volumes to you as to the level of desperation I am in), I must regretfully decline your kind and generous offer. I am not and do not expect to be able to avail myself of your liberal proposal as I am not currently interested in any relationship, long, short or intermediate.

One does not wish to be rude, but perhaps another reading of my profile and what I have written about my wife there, may have given you a slight hint as to the unlikelyhood of such a munificent proposal from you being accepted.

However, I am in a position to know that Merl might be willing to consider the matter under certain terms and conditions.

Excellent, as always! I agree, you could/should be writing for publication - and I applaud our good author, Merlin, too.

Here, your 3rd chapter to summarize the main theme & success in playing the gender game, -Survival-, surely hits many nails on their heads. An initial selection of a mate should be the first step, such as detailed in another hub advising a young fellow to not hook up with crazy girls or those with other serious character flaws. Difficult to build a solid structure on a flaky foundation, right?

I especially like in this segment your advise about reading between lines. It can even be considered a further kind of language fluency, the language being double-talk.

And one must not forget that body language also plays a large role in deceptive communication & being aware of it figures in ability to ferret out true meanings when others are using these commonly spoken & acted-out sub-languages.

Ever notice how those TV ads encouraging folks to "ask your doctor about . . ." such & such Rx med, work it to stay within Drug Standards Rules? They begin by showing the sad image of the person before using the med, which is the only sad image that will EVER be displayed in the ad again. After swallowing the med, our subject-person's image bursts with health & joy & starting the Rx regimen is obviously the foregone conclusion!

Then they seamlessly & smoothly proceed to list the Rx's side-effects in the vivacious, joyous tones in which they touted the benefits, with the user and his/her happy family all glowing with health & good fortune, sailing or playing badminton. The newly cured one beams with joy while off-hand conclusions are happily recited, listing possible side-effects including but not limited to hair loss, sexual impotency, brain damage, heart arrest, short-term memory loss, gaseous digestion & constipation amidst joyous images & their encouragement to ask your doctor to prescribe it for you so you won't ever need to worry about a stuffed-up nose again!

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Hi again Nellianna. I wish I had thought of the points you raise to include them in my hub! I think that you should sit next to me next time I write and help me out! :-))

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Oh - that's certainly flattering! - But, fact is, you do JUST fine on your own! That's why my thought processes are stimulated to think of related points, I'm sure. And I tend to follow a thought and then take it in multiple directions which I hope demonstrates that I paid close attention. ;)

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

It is very sweet of you to take the trouble to read my nonsense :-)

If you get a chance, perhaps you could look at "Dear Uncle Mark" and tell me your opinion?

ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

I really don't have much to say because my stomach hurts from laughing so much that I cannnn harddly typppeeeeeeee lolllll

Miss Koya needs to get a lifeeeeeeeeeeee lol

glassvisage 6 years ago from Northern California

De Greek, congrats on the Hub that was written about you! It sounds like a review that you'd find in a newspaper :)

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

LadyJane one does not want to be unkind about Miss Koya, but somehow the word Bimbo springs to mind.. Thank you for visiting :-)

Glassvisage,

I sometimes think that I must have written it myself :-)) Thank you for passing by.

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Dang, Dimitris! Now we have to add Koya to your ever expanding harem?? Just how many of us can you handle? Or, as they say here in the South, "How big a man are ya?" lol

Who wrote a hub about you? I was gonna do that!

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Habee, my Angel Face, the De Greek heart is large and it can accommodate legions! :-) And writing about me appears to be the sport of the day, so go ahead, I shall enjoy it :-)))

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

I wrote it!

Jess Farley 6 years ago from London, England

Brilliant!!!

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Thank you!!!!! :-)

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Great Hub as usual, brother Dimitris! The snoring test indeed! What about the farting test? It deserves a place!

Love and peace

Tony

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

You missed it Brother Tony. It is under the heading:

"God’s Lesson in Humility "

The De greeks are sensitive flowers and cannot use crude words.....:-)))