Wednesday, March 12, 2008

OK, I give up. I guess the new readers are going to be sticking around for a while, no matter how much the prospect frightens me, so I'm sitting here at the keyboard trying to figure out how to hold this vast new audience I've acquired via Boston.com, and I've come up with a brilliant idea. Wait until you hear it.

I've decided to post a nude photo of myself.

WAIT! Don't scroll down, you pervert. There isn't any picture - yet. I'm telling you about it now so you'll be ready for it when it happens. In the meantime, let's discuss what the likely outcome will be when the picture is posted.

First, I might be arrested. Not for the nudity, of course - plenty of nude pictures make their way onto blogs - but because the sight of my naked body could cause heart attacks and strokes among the female portion of my audience. I am, after all, sort of a bald middle-aged Irish version of Antonio Banderas, if you squint real hard after 8 or 9 drinks. So, when the females keel over, I could be charged with assault.

Second, I expect the males will immediately be rendered blind when they view the doughy magnificence of my manhood.

Anyway, with the women incapacitated and the men blind, that will leave only children to read this blog. And then I'll be arrested for the nudity. You can't go around showing the doughy magnificence of your manhood to little kids, at least not in this state - unless you're a priest.

So, to sum up: There will be nobody left to read my blog and I'll be incarcerated. God only knows what they'll do to the doughy magnificence of my manhood in jail. I've heard stories.

Oh, geez, and then there's MY WIFE. So far, she's survived the doughy magnificence of my manhood without having either a myocardial infarction or a cerebral hemorrhage (and I don't quite understand that; she must be superhuman) but she's warned me that the one thing she won't stand for (and she'll stand for an awful lot, being married to me) is any sharing of the doughy magnificence that is my manhood. She wants it all to herself, and who can blame her?

But... Oh, to hell with the consequences! I'm going to do it anyway! As a matter of fact, I'm going to do it RIGHT NOW!

God, this is such a liberating feeling! I can't help but smile!

Here I am, in all the doughy magnificence that is my manhood!!!

Ladies, I am yours to do with as you wish.

(By the way, I get about 20 visits most days from people who come here looking for CO-ED NAKED SNOW JOGGING. I figure the title of this one should be good for 300 or more unwitting victims every week. They'll leave as disappointed as the folks looking for frozen naughty bits, I suspect - unless they have a good sense of humor to go along with their lust. If that's how you got here, sorry! Thanks for the hit, though.)

11 comments:

it was reported today that a middle-aged PA housewife laughed herself to death after reading suldog's post and viewing his doughy magnificence at the end. she was found in a puddle of her own urine due to the ensuing loss of bladder control.

Another suspected homocide in the Appalachians has been traced to Suldog's doughy magnificence. Victim asphyxiated with laughter-induced asthma. (Yes, laughing too hard will induce an asthma attack. Isn't that an endearing quality?)

I am, among other things...

My actual name is Jim Sullivan, but I'll answer to Jim, Jimmy, Sully, Suldog, Laroooooo, or Your Prescription Is Ready. Despite all evidence to the contrary found within these pages, I am a professional writer.