Reading the Tea Leaves of the 2014-15 NHL Season

About 30 hours ago, new HHHS addition Tasha said, “Hey, shouldn’t we do a season’s predictions post?” and Hannah and Jonesy were like oh right, that’s a thing people do. So here are our picks with the following caveats:

Hannah’s opinions change wildly throughout any season based on any number of things.

Jonesy made her picks at half past midnight this morning before crashing.

Tasha did not account for team curses or unexpected injuries.

So in the event that we are extremely wrong, we will use those things as our excuses. Got it? Cool. Now onto the picks.

Tasha: Lightning, Bruins, Canadiens, Red Wings, Leafs, Senators, Panthers, Sabres (with the caveat that I’m very unsure about the Panthers and they could possibly leapfrog up).

Central

Jonesy: Blues, Blackhawks, Stars, Wild, Predators, Avalanche, Jets

Hannah: Blackhawks, Stars, Blues, Predators, Avalanche, Wild, Jets

Tasha: Blues, Blackhawks, Stars, Predators, Wild, Avalanche, Jets

Pacific

Jonesy: Kings, Sharks, Ducks, Coyotes, Oilers, Canucks, Flames

Hannah: Kings, Ducks, Sharks, Oilers, Coyotes, Canucks, Flames

Tasha: Ducks, Kings, Sharks, Canucks, Coyotes, Oilers, Flames

Sorry, Oilers. I wish I could pick you higher. But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…still shame on you to be honest.

Playoffs

Jonesy is hoping for a Blues-Bruins final, just as she was last year, and is likely to be disappointed. Also the fact that we cannot possibly have a Sharks-Jets final is still breaking her heart. (Be cool, boy!) What will probably happen is the Penguins play a nasty second round series against the pesky Canadiens, the Canadiens are too tired to beat their arch-nemeses the Bruins again, and the Bruins limp to the Final only to get mowed over by the Blackhawks or Kings.

Hannah refuses to make a total playoff prediction because figuring out wild cards makes her head hurt and also she doesn’t want to jinx anyone and she’s definitely not making a SCF prediction unless it’s Kings-Bruins because historically all her SCF predictions jinx the teams involved.

Tasha’s dream Stanley Cup Final involves the Rangers sweeping the Blackhawks and Chicago admitting their “pizza” is awful, but in the services of not jinxing anything, she thinks a Central team will make it to the SCF and the Metro will take all the wild card spots.

Breakout Candidates

Jonesy: Hopefully Alex Galchenyuk and Vladimir Tarasenko finally live up to expectations. It would be great to see Matt Nieto make the jump too, and I expect good things out of Carl Hagelin if last year doesn’t count as a break0ut season.

Hannah: John Gibson (he’s going to run away with that Anaheim starter spot I think), Elias Lindholm if he can stay healthy (he has the space to step up thanks to all the injuries in Carolina, and I think he can take it?), and I agree with Jonesy regarding Tarasenko and Galchenyuk.

Tasha: Tarasenko, especially since he looks like he’s playing with Paul Stastny; Chris Kreider; John Gibson; and people will finally learn who Craig Smith of the Predators is since this year I think he could score 30+ goals if he keeps it up (and doesn’t keep trying to fight his own teammates).

We’re just rushin’ to see those Russians…and Americans. Wow. Are we a little biased? Maybe we are. I feel like I need to take a good hard look at our choices now.

NHL Awards

Hart

Jonesy: Sidney Crosby unless he gets injured

Hannah: Crosby, also potentially Stamkos because everyone loves a good comeback story.

Hannah: Crosby, hands down, they need to just rename the award (KIDDING, THIS IS NOT ME JINXING HIM)

Tasha: Yep, Crosby.

The kid’s gonna need a bigger trophy room.

Calder

Jonesy: Drouin assuming his thumb break is over and done with quickly.

Hannah: Drouin or Gaudreau and also potentially John Gibson?

Tasha: Johnny Gaudreau, because he will likely be very good on a very bad team and score some highlight-reel goals. Then it’s a toss-up between Drouin and Gibson; if Gibson ends up with the starting job I think it’s him. There could be someone else who’s a dark horse candidate – maybe Evgeny Kuznetsov.

Norris

Jonesy: Can Shea Weber finally get his?? Not only is he a great defenseman he’s got the terrifying defenseman beard.

Hannah: Weber or Keith should get it, but Drew Doughty will probably win.

Tasha: Weber, assuming Laviolette’s system helps his possession stats a little/more offense and success gets the Preds more national media exposure. Ryan McDonagh could be a dark horse candidate, as he was really good last year, should keep getting better, and is now captain of the Rangers to boot.

Jonesy: Poor Mike Babcock. It’s not going to be him. Maybe Laviolette if he makes the Predators compete. Hell if I know, this award frequently makes no sense to me. Who’s on the Winter Classic 24/7 this year? Quenneville and Trotz, right? One of them.

Hannah: If Tampa’s season goes well, Jon Cooper. If not then Darryl Sutter.

Tasha: Trotz if the Caps make a playoff push and get a wildcard spot, Cooper if Tampa wins the east

Selke

Jonesy: Anze Kopitar

Hannah: Kopitar times infinity (but only because I doubt Crosby will ever win it even though he serves this exact function while scoring a shitton of points)

Tasha: Kopitar’s turn

I just kind of felt we all needed to be reminded that Kopitar’s hair once looked like this.

Richard

Jonesy: Steven Stamkos

Hannah: Stamkos over Ovechkin at the last minute by a hair. but I really don’t think anyone could challenge either of them except Crosby, and that’s only if he starts shooting instead of passing.

Tasha: Stamkos, since Ovechkin does have to deal with a new coach and system

Other Random Predictions

Jonesy: At some point there will be a bullshit article out of Winnipeg about Evander Kane. The Sharks will never have a captain and it will be a story all season long. We’ll have to go through another revolting series of “hot takes” about how Sidney Crosby is a terrible captain compared to [insert Canadian captain, probably Jonathan Toews]. The Sharks-Kings 24/7 is full of really awkward and tense moments in the Sharks dressing room while people keep looking at Thornton, remembering he’s not captain anymore, and looking hastily back to whoever has the A stapled to their jersey. Somehow Ted Nolan gets the Sabres close to the playoffs, is fired for not tanking, and then wins the Jack Adams.

Hannah: If we were doing Best Dressed I’d say this season it’s going to be an all-out battle between Lundqvist and Subban, with Letang as a close third. There’s no way Letang keeps his hair short all year. And if Bissonnette doesn’t play/sign that 2-way deal with the Blues, someone is going to hire him to do their team’s social media, be it in the NHL or a lower league or maybe by a media outlet.

Tasha. James Neal scores a hat trick against the Pens on his bobblehead night, Gaborik gets injured, and I was going to predict something about the Sharks, but I have absolutely NO CLUE what’s going on there so I won’t. Tomas Hertl steals America’s hearts, I guess.

So there they are, our (in)glorious picks for the 2014-15 season. Come back at the end of the season to see us mercilessly mock our own picks.