Cassidy: When it comes to Facebook, I let my kids down -- sort of

My two kids were among the several million who joined Facebook before they were 13. Thankfully, our family dodged the digital bullet of having something horrible happen because our kids were out there poking, chatting, friending and being friended. They are now both safely above the 13-year-old limit that Facebook sets as the minimum age for its vast online community. But my kids weren't always legal, and that's my fault.

All this parental angst has been unleashed by reports that Facebook is exploring ways to officially open its network to kids younger than 13. It's not clear exactly what the social networking gorilla has in mind, but the buzz has reopened the debate about how to protect kids in the age of ubiquitous social networking.

This is usually the place where I'd make some sarcastic comment about those who fret about child safety on social media. I'd gently rib the stick-in-the-mud parents for overreacting in the face of sensational news stories about horrible things happening to good kids online.

But not this time. This time I have to say: I blew it when I let my kids join Facebook before they were 13. When my kids asked to join, because it was cool, because it was harmless, because everybody was on Facebook (which at 900 million members is most certainly true now), I stalled them for a while. OK, I stalled them for about a day. I studied Facebook, experimented with what I could find out about people using it, and my wife and I set ground rules: Our daughters would friend both of us, we would monitor their networking activities and they would use the computer in our dining area.

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My thinking on these issues has always been that it's better to educate than to restrict. All of us, including our children, are constantly bombarded by digital content. Music, video, blogs, websites, images and social networks -- wholesome and not. It's best that our kids know how to navigate the torrent and that we, as parents, provide guidance and monitor them as best we can. Right?

It's OK to set rules

Look at the good Facebook has done. My older daughter, Bailey, now 17, is heading off to college in the fall. She used her considerable Facebook skills to connect with dozens of fellow students who will be attending the same Midwestern university. Even found her roommate on Facebook. And my younger daughter, Riley, 14? Not long ago I found her working with a classmate on a Spanish dialogue via Facebook video chat. Who's to say that would have been the case if we'd stunted the girls' Facebook growth?

"I think you are rationalizing. I think you're kidding yourself," says James Steyer, CEO of Common Sense Media, which studies the effects of media on kids and offers guidance on the age-appropriateness of media offerings. "You can set the rules for the Cassidy family. You can say no."

Apparently not my strong suit. But, what about my thinking that you want your kids to be able to handle themselves, that it's great to have crossing guards, but they need to know how to cross the street on their own?

"Do you teach them how to drink at age 8," Steyer says, "so they can understand the consequences of drinking?"

My daughter's take

Steyer, who literally wrote the book on the subject ("Talking Back to Facebook: The Common Sense Guide to Raising Kids in the Digital Age") says that preteens are not equipped socially, emotionally or cognitively to deal with a world that can create a sense of intimacy where none exists. "They're not ready for it, period," he says.

At the Steyer household, Facebook is off limits until age 15 (meaning two of the four Steyer kids are still without). He said parents shouldn't be afraid to take a hard line. Your kids will thank you, he says.

Really? Thank me? Hard to imagine. So I ask Riley for her thoughts on keeping preteens off Facebook.

"I don't think anybody should use Facebook," Riley, a high school freshman, says. All you really do is sit there, she explains, and look at things that other people are doing.

What? Why do you use it then?

"I'd be weird if I didn't use it," she says, "because everybody uses it."

That's when it hit me. If I had said no to Facebook years ago, Riley would have the best excuse of all time for not doing what the cool kids are doing: My stupid old man won't let me.

Contact Mike Cassidy at mcassidy@mercurynews.com or 408-920-5536. Follow him at Twitter.com/mikecassidy.