Well, after the enthusiastic response I got for my mock of Saiyaman (really, guys, you're too kind) I decided to start work on the sequel. This one's a little different; it stars Gohan Jr, son of the last story's Goku Jr (real creative naming there, right?) who inherited both his mother's company and his father's oil spill getup. He meets the cast of Evangelion after moving to Tokyo 3 and this will apparently also be a Doom crossover.

Don't ask how that's going to work.

NOTE: None of this mock reflects my views on the author himself. He's actually my friend and a pretty cool guy. I just think some of his stories are, well, lacking.

Without further ado, here's Saiyaman 2.

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Chapter 1

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Tokyo 3. Birds were chirping

Isn’t it beautiful?

and the city was as busy as usual. The youth group was departing from Church at the time, a bunch of teenagers walking on the street talking and all that social stuff.

You know, that “social” stuff. Stuff that is… social.

One teen walked down the street straight to the end of town, where a large mansion lay. As he got there, A bunch of moving trucks and men arrived and began to unload stuff into the house.

Stuff that was not social.

The teen looked around and helped a guy carry a box marked "TOP SECRET". The teen went inside the house and saw over the final stages of moving.

Then the owner of the house noticed him trespassing and kicked him out.

Once the teen thought that his day was at peace, a new sound occurred outside the house. A bunch of reporters were swarming the front of his house, desperate to interview the teen.

Reporter: “TEEN, WHAT IS THIS ‘SOCIAL’ STUFF?”

"GOHAN JR, ARE THE RUMORS SURROUNDING YOUR WEAPONS RESEARCH TRUE?"

"IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE STILL SINGLE? ALL YOUR LADY FANS WOULD LOVE TO KNOW!"

The less the lady fans know about Gohan Jr’s sexuality, the better. Trust me.

A bunch of questions similar to these two were asked of him. Gohan Jr. stood there listening to the reporters when a limo pulled up in front of them. Gohan Jr. leapt back instinctively. A purple-haired woman got out of the car along with three teenagers. Gohan Jr. was wondering whom the teens were when the purple-haired woman spoke up.

Yeah, this guy is so awesome he supplies the weapons for NERV! Don’t call him a Mary Sue, though.

Call him a Gary Stu.

"I'm glad you're here, Major. Let's discuss it indoors," said Gohan Jr. as he turned and led his guests into the house. Their Jaws hanged when they entered the mansion. The place was living room sized.

Wow. His mansion is the size of a living room? You’d think he could afford something larger than that.

"Before I go any further, I'd like to know who your bodyguards are, Major," asked Gohan Jr. in a kind voice.

The Major turned to the kids and winked at them. A Brown-haired boy stepped forward.

Gohan Jr. was interested in her eyes, but decided that he had business to attend to…

Ah, so he shares his father’s interest in tearing out girls eyes to use in his woman suits.

Three hours later, Gohan Jr. was waving goodbye to his guests. He had just finished showing Misato the Mach-4 Chaingun and a B-13 Rocket Launcher. She was incredibly fascinated by the technology, just like anybody else with a passing interest in weaponry.

So if you don’t like it THEN YOU MUST BE SOME SORT OF FAG.

As soon as he closed the door, it happened again…

Gohan fell to the floor screaming in pain. The images that flooded his head were truly terrifying. Red dripping blood, the dead body of Goku Jr., The man who killed him…everything was chaotic. He was losing his grip on his emotions.

Gohan Jr: “OH GOD THOSE EVANGELION KIDS GOT THEIR TRAUMATICS PASTS ALL OVER ME! IT BURNS!”

Gohan dropped to his knees as his hair went golden.

Oh no. He’s so upset he’s peeing on his own hair…

Screams filled the house as Gohan Jr.'s muscles began to get a little bigger. His mind was in debate on how to cope with this. Gohan ran up to his bedroom on the second story of the house. He threw himself onto his bed as he began to remember the last 10 years of his life…

Gohan Jr: “The Clinton years. The Clinton years…”

It was a silent ride in the car back to the apartment for Rei, Shinji, Asuka, and Misato. Misato decided to break the silence then…

"So guys, what did you think about meeting him?"

"I liked him. He didn't seem to be a snob like most rich people," stated Shinji with an open mind.

Shinji: “Except for when he punched me in the gut and called me a ‘stupid poor person’. Other than that, he was nice.”

"I didn't like him. He seems like all the other rich people, putting a smile on when it's convenient for them. I hope I never see him again!" complained Asuka.

"I hate to dash your hopes, but Gohan Jr. is coming to school tomorrow," sid Misato.

Waa Waa Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

"Why?" asked Shinji.

"He'll be a new student, silly!" teased Misato.

"Why would someone who develops weapons for a living want to be a high school student?" asked Shinji.

"He wants to find out what it's like to be a normal teenager, I guess. I don't really know. What I do know is that he skipped a grade because of his GPA in seventh grade. It fluctuated between 4.5 and 4.7."

So he’s a genius and he’s humble, but don’t call him a Gary Stu.

Actually, go ahead and call him that.

"That's Crazy! How the hell does he get that high of a GPA? The highest one in our school is a 4.2! He can't really be that smart!" screamed Asuka.

Asuka: “Also, we don’t use the same grading system as America, so why are we talking about this?”

"He's only 14, you know," teased Misato again.

"WHAT?"

While everyone was talking about Gohan Jr., Rei was deep in thought.

Rei: “Do I cut across the wrists or along them? I keep forgetting.”

I have a strange feeling about Gohan Jr. I don't know why I feel like this. I must find out what this feeling is…

Rei: “By killing him and consuming his flesh.”

Gohan sat on his bed, deep in thought. He remembered the day his father died.

It involved a guy who mocks fanfiction and a baseball bat.

As a four year-old, His dad had told him that he loved him very much before he sacrificed himself in an attempt to rid the Earth of the evil that attacked him. Unfortunately, his father had died in vain. His killers survived and were still out there.

And as long as I use a proxy, I’ll stay that way.

Ever since, Gohan Jr. trained to take over the role that his dad before him had done: Saiyaman. While training, Gohan Jr. found a prophet of his father's killer, who revealed in his last moments that his father's killers had a base of operations somewhere in Tokyo 3.

Also, Gohan Jr. had become a Christian when he was 12.

Before that, he was a Catholic. Zing!

He did so because his mother was a Christian and his father, Goku Jr., was not. It was because of this choice that Goku Jr. wound up in hell even though he was a good person.

Hooray!

Gohan Jr. decided that he didn't want to be like that. Another problem was that Gohan Jr. didn't have the greatest social stuff skills. He could talk to people, but he was shy around people that he didn't know very well, although being popular at his new school was almost a certainty considering his celebrity status as a weapons designer…

Suddenly sensing danger in the city, Gohan Jr. activated a switch in his closet to reveal an elevator, which he took to below the mansion.

Gohan Jr: “To the Saiyacave!”

It's a good thing I made this lair before I came here thought Gohan Jr. as he stepped out into his large lair where all of his Saiyaman stuff was kept. Gohan walked over to a large rack full of the armor suits that Goku Jr. had made 17 years ago. Saiyaman went Super Saiyan and put on the suit. He then donned the black stick-on mask and flew up a vent shaft into the night.

And the legacy of the flaming oil spill continues…

Saiyaman flew into the city and landed on top of a tall building. He looked around and saw a shootout between the cops and a group of armored men that appeared familiar to him. Saiyaman noticed a weird symbol on the side of the helmets they were wearing.

I know these guys! They worked for the man who killed dad!

Oh shit! He found my minions! Run minions, run!

Thought Saiyaman as he leapt from the building into the fight below. He landed on one of the men and began a ferocious physical assault on the evil men. He took them all down within seconds, his fists and feet moving faster than anybody could see. As Saiyaman turned to check up on the health conditions of the police force, he spotted out Shinji, Asuka, and Rei!

Who were… there for some reason I guess?

I better get out of here before the recognize me at all thought Saiyaman as he turned and flew off into the night without saying a word. Shinji broke the silence that followed.

"MAN! Did you see how fast he moved? He can't be human!" exclaimed Shinji.

I guess 31/32’s human just isn’t enough for some people.

He turned to Asuka and saw the total infatuation in her eyes, which he only saw when Asuka was around Kaji.

I get it. She hates Gohan Jr but loves Saiyaman. Oh man, I can just smell the hilarity ensuing.

Rei merely stared at the sky.

He was incredible. I wonder if he's on our side. But, why did he freak out when he saw us? It's almost like he thought we could recognize him. Also, why did I get unusual feelings when I saw him leave? Thought Rei…

Rei: “Also, what is the sound of one hand clapping? And how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie-Pop? And where do babies come from? And does my butt look big in this outfit?”

Saiyaman flew back to the house thanking the lord for his quick thinking. After landing in his lair and changing back to Gohan Jr., he read his bible for twenty minutes in his room and got in bed after saying a prayer.

After putting on his school uniform and eating breakfast, he began his long walk to school. It was a peaceful walk through the town. The energy that came off the people as he walked by was good-natured.

Not an emo in sight. Are you sure this is Tokyo 3?

People were talking to each other and some were on their cell phones. As Gohan Jr. continued to walk, he began to notice more and more people around his age or a little older. Gohan Jr. then noticed that he was in front of the high school. The sight of a few thousand kids in a socializing manner astounded Gohan Jr.

Gohan Jr: “Gah! Social stuff!”

As Gohan Jr. made his way through the hallways looking for his first class, the ninjas attacked!. As he was looking around, several people turned with a look of surprise on their face.

Student: “Oh shit! It’s an oil sp- oh wait. He’s not in costume.”

I guess that they've never had a celebrity in their school before thought Gohan Jr. as he finally found his class.

Or you have a “Boyz II Men” album glued to your face. Something got their attention.

As he opened the door, he found the classroom to be almost totally devoid of people. Gohan noticed Shinji and Auska were in the room, talking to each other. It was more like Auska yelling and Shinji whimpering. A couple of goofs were hanging around Shinji, hysterically laughing.

A-hyuck!

Gohan Jr. turned to see Rei Ayanami staring out the window. Gohan Jr. was pondering her when he sensed Auska and Shinji turning towards him.

Asuka: “Let’s kill him, Shinji!”

Shinji: “Die Mary Sue, die!”

Gohan Jr. whipped around just in time.

"What are you doing here?" asked Auska in an annoyed tone.

"Obviously, I'm a student here," responded Gohan Jr. rather quickly.

Oh snap! You got her there, Gohan!

"Don't mind Auska. She's just blowing off some steam right now," explained Shinji.

"I know that you're angry at him, but when classmates are walking into the room is not the best time for this," said Gohan Jr. in a commanding voice. Normally, Auska would've ripped somebody's head off for such a comment, but something about Gohan Jr. was different.

So she ripped his arms off instead.

Auska backed down and took her seat. Gohan Jr. turned to find Rei staring out the window. She didn't seem to be paying any attention to the teacher. It was almost as if she didn't care…

Perhaps it’s because she doesn’t!

The rest of the morning passed without too much excitement. Gohan Jr. went to the cafeteria to eat lunch.

Apparently forgetting that most high schools in Japan don’t have cafeterias.

Gohan Jr. spotted Shinji and ran to sit next to him, not taking into consideration that two somebody's were sitting with Shinji.

"Hello Shinji!" exclaimed Gohan Jr. as he sat down. He then looked up to see two boys with evil smirks on their faces.

"What?" asked Gohan Jr. with curiosity.

"Why were you staring at her this morning?" asked a jock named Toji.

"Who are you talking about?" asked Gohan innocently.

Toji: “Asuka’s tits, of course.”

Gohan Jr: “They were very pretty birds!”

"Rei Ayanami, who else?" teased the nerd in glasses, Kesenke.

"You like her, Gohan?" asked a teasing Toji.

"I'm curious to her behavior. Why do you ask?" said Gohan Jr. as he blushed ever so slightly.

God this is stupid.

"I think you like her. Just like old Shinji over here."

"I DO NOT!!" squealed Shinji.

Shinji: “I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE FILTHY TAKARIS! Or were you saying something else?”

Rei: “Actually, I get shit grades because I spend all my time staring out the window.”

"I get good grades," stated Rei in her emotionless tone, not looking up from her book.

"I wish I could do that, except for the fact that I sit at the back of the room, and I'm also a little obsessed with getting to a good college. I'm top of my class right now, but…"

Damn. You suck at this social stuff, Gohan.

Rei continued to read. After several moments, she spoke up:

"You're a weapons designer. You must be smarter than everyone else in a lot of ways," explained Rei in her logical and emotionless tone.

"Do you have any free time available soon?"

"I do tomorrow after school. Why?"

"I've always wanted to give someone a free tour of my weapons, and I believe that you'll be able to appreciate my creations. Would you like to do that?"

Didn’t you already do that yesterday?

"I find that acceptable, Gohan Jr.," said Rei just as the bell rang for the end of lunch.

"I'll see you later Rei!" said Gohan Jr. as he took off running to the next class.

"See you tomorrow, Gohan Jr.," whispered Rei with a trace of sadness…

Rei: “Oh why did I agree to hang out with that loser?”

During the school day, Gohan received several e-mails from girls begging him to be their date for the upcoming dance. Gohan didn't know how to respond, for he never got a lot of female attention before.

Gohan Jr: “I know! I’ll pretend to go with them, but instead I’ll lead them to my house where I’ll ambush them with an elaborate musical number explaining why I hate them, and then have them taken away by the police! Genius!”

After school ended, Gohan Jr. raced out of the school and into the busy streets of the city. The sound of nature in a busy city was a comforting sound.

I swear if you describe the birds singing again I’ll punch you out.

When he arrived at his mansion, Gohan Jr. leapt over the gate and raced through the door. After asking his butler to make him some sub sandwiches, Gohan Jr. turned on the daily news on the kitchen television. Saiyaman's appearance was all over the news.

Actually, they’re all talking about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Don’t get them confused.

Get used to it, Tokyo 3. You'll see a lot more of Saiyaman in the future.

Gohan Jr. went up to his room with his food and worked on his homework on his desk. After a while, Gohan's thoughts shifted towards Rei Ayanami. She seemed very quiet and emotionless, but He sensed that there was something deeper inside Rei, something that she was hiding from everyone else.

Little did Gohan know it was her penis.

She didn't give any physical or emotional clues, but as a Saiyan, Gohan Jr. didn't need those clues like everyone else. Gohan Jr. snuck down to the lair and stared at one of his suits. Suddenly, the emotions hit him hard…

Gohan grabbed his head screaming as he fell to the floor. The images of his dead father, the man who killed him, the blood, the rage…Gohan Jr. felt his control over his body slipping. He was unable to calm himself down. His butler came through the other entrance and grabbed Gohan by the shirt.

"Settle down, sir. Please settle down," calmed the butler.

"I…I'M A HELPLESS CHILD!!! I MUST DEFEAT…THAT MAN WHO KILLED MY FATHER!!!"

YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, GOHAN JR!

"Calm down sir," said the butler as he pulled Gohan into a hug. Gohan Jr. returned the hug and began to mouth a prayer.

"I need to control myself better. I almost lost it," whispered Gohan Jr. Sensing danger in the city, Gohan stood up. He turned into his Super Saiyan form and put on his costume.

"I might be late, Fredrick. Don't wait up on me," muttered Saiyaman as he flew up a shaft that lead to the outside world.

Saiyaman landed on top of a 30-story building and searched the area. Following his sense for danger, Saiyaman found a gang-infested street. He noticed that they were ganging up on a girl. The girl was…Rei Ayanami! Saiyaman's eyes got wide as he realized that Rei was about to get…god knows what! Saiyaman leapt down to the streets and landed between the gang and Rei. Rei's attention shifted to Saiyaman.

What is the man in Black doing here? Wondered Rei as Saiyaman got into a fighting stance.

As the gang charged forward, Saiyaman met them and began a melee combat. Saiyaman sent guys flying all over the place, pulling his punches so that he didn't kill anybody. His fists were too fast for them to see and he took them all down in a matter of seconds. Saiyaman turned and walked towards Rei, who stood with her normal emotionless face.

Rei: “Sorry, but only guys who can beat up 2004 other men can get my attention.”

Saiyaman stopped in front of her and stared into her eyes. Rei's red eyes were very captivating, although she couldn't tell because of his mask.

Because she would have to see his eyes to… wait, what?

"I guess you need to get home now," said Saiyaman.

"I guess I should," softly spoke Rei as she turned to go home.

"Wait! If you go by yourself, you're probably going to get jumped again. How about I fly you home?"

Rei walked over and put her arms around his shoulders, squeezing lightly. The blue-haired beauty managed to make Saiyaman blush, although his mask hid it. He put his arms around Rei's waist, making her blush, and he takes off to the top of a building.

Even though she didn’t react when Shinji touched her boob, apparently it’s a big deal when the great Saiyaman touches her waist.

Author's note: As a reminder, I don't own anything related to Dragonball Z, GT, Evangalion, or Doom. Especially Doom, as you will see in future chapters.

He really really doesn't own Doom. As opposed to the other properties, which he just regular doesn't own.

Enjoy the story! Chapter 3

The next morning at school was a repeat for Gohan Jr.

So it's a total waste of time. Thanks.

A bunch of girls asked him for a date to the school dance, but Gohan didn't answer, due to his shy nature around people he didn't know. He thought about Rei all morning. Her blue hair and red eyes seemed to have reserved a place in his heart.

Gohan Jr: "Why are they attached to a wretched woman? I want them for my own!"

However, Gohan Jr. was sure that she didn't return these feelings. During lunch, Gohan was called over by a group of kids.

"Are you a Christian?" asked a boy in a red hoodie.

Gohan Jr: "Nope. I'm a Gohan."

"Yes," said Gohan Jr.

"I'm Thomas. We're having a bible study soon. We'd like to see you there."

"Hey, how about you have it my mansion? I could use some company, and I have lots of space."

"Cool! Could you make it in a couple days?"

"Yes."

Gohan Jr: "Yes. I can make it to my own home."

"See you later, Gohan Jr.!" said Thomas as he and his friends took off. Gohan Jr. took off looking for Rei.

Why are they even calling him Gohan Jr, anyway? Wasn't the last person named Gohan in his family his Great-Great-Grandfather?

He found her in the library reading her book on the big couch in the center of the library. Gohan Jr. put his food in his bag as he approached her.

"Hello Rei!" greeted Gohan with cheer. Rei looked up.

"Hello Gohan Jr."

"I hope that you've had a good day so far."

"I have."

How thrilling.

"You better have!" cried out a familiar voice that was approaching Gohan Jr. and Rei Ayanami. It belonged to Rikitsu, the sexiest girl in all of the high school. She was a pink-haired beauty with every physical feature a man could want in a woman.

So she has burgers, porn, and Starcraft 2 in her abdomen!

She was also the biggest gossip in the school. Her female friends that followed her every move surrounded her. Rikitsu moved close to Gohan Jr. and put a hand on his shoulder. Before Gohan Jr. could escape, he was pulled up tight against Rikitsu's chest.

We're approaching Evangelion-level sex humor here, people.

"What are you doing?" asked a desperate Gohan Jr. as sweat poured down his face.

"I want you to join me after school for some fun," Rikitsu whispered seductively as she licked Gohan Jr.'s left ear. Gohan Jr. shoved her away with a look of disgust on his facial features and regained some composure.

"You are disgusting. I'll never do that with you," said Gohan Jr. as he looked the girl in the eye.

Gohan Jr: "You'll never take me to Legoland, woman!"

"Oh you will! I've never failed to get a guy I wanted. I won't fail now. I want you, Gohan Jr.," said Rikitsu with a wicked smile.

And the Most Lazily Written Slut of the Year award goes to...

She casually shifted her gaze to Rei, who was looking at Gohan Jr. before she stood up to leave. Rikitsu blocked her path with a sudden movement.

"Let me pass," begged Rei softly.

"Why should I let you pass? You're nothing but a doll!" spewed Rikitsu.

Rikitsu: "And since you are a doll, you cannot move, thus it is impossible for me to block your path!"

Gohan Jr. balled up his fists as he felt his anger grow. Electricity sizzled around his entire body.

"Let her go," muttered Gohan Jr. through clenched teeth.

"Aw! The boyfriend is standing up for his girl! How adorable!"

So was this character written for any purpose other than being a total bitch?

"This is your last warning: While I'm still calm, you better let her go."

"Please let me pass," begged Rei once more.

"LET HER GO!" screamed Gohan Jr. just as his hair shifted briefly to his Super Saiyan form.

Wow. At least he spells "form" correctly.

"Not until I get what I want, #$!" yelled Rikitsu as she reached back to slap Rei.

I didn't know there were two-letter curse words.

Before she could, an explosion rocked the school, forcing Gohan Jr.'s anger to subside and remain in his normal form. Shinji Ikari ran into the library at the moment.

"Some alien freak has invaded the school and is taking everyone hostage. You guys should try to escape while you can," he said as he ran out the door.

Shinji: "If only there was a giant robot I could pilot!"

Where are the EVAs, anyway?

Gohan Jr. grabbed Rei by the arm.

"Rei, I'm going to go home and get some of my weapons to try and combat this threat. Please try to evade capture," said Gohan Jr. as he ran out of the school amid the chaos. As soon as he was out of the school, he flew really fast to his mansion and dropped through the long, hard shaft. Turning into His Super Saiyan form, Saiyaman put on his armor and mask just as he flew out the shaft and raced to the school. He landed silently on the roof of the gymnasium overlooking the courtyard. A weird, pig-looking alien in a blue fighting garb was belching out orders to the high schoolers who were being held at gun point. Saiyaman tuned in to what was being said.

"…And if that coward Saiyaman doesn't show himself, you all will die!" shouted the man.

If you choose to join them, however, they will make your face the GREATEST in Koridai!

"I'm here!" shouted Saiyaman as he leaped down to the middle of the courtyard.

"You've made my boss angry, Saiyaman."

"You have taken hostage a bunch of high school students that had no business being taken hostage. For that, I am going to kill you."

Pretty loose with the death penalty, huh Gohan? What if they did have business being taken hostage? Would you kill him then?

"I, Porrdo, will never lose to you!" shouted Porrdo as Saiyaman leaped forward and smashed a fist into Porrdo's face. Porrdo reacted with a kick to the left hip. Saiyaman recovered and landed a few blows to Porrdo's face and launched an energy blast at him.

[Character A] used [Fighting Move] on [Character B]'s [Body Part].

Could these be any more formulaic?

Porrdo deflected the blast with a kick and leapt to the top of a building. Saiyaman jumped up and engaged in a violent series of melee carnage.

Meanwhile, the guards were so mesmerized by the fight that Shinji was able to steal one of the machine guns and started to shoot the guards. Out of nowhere, Auska was beating down guards with her fists and feet. She grabbed one of their guns and started raining hell on the black henchmen. The henchmen folded like cheap tents and Shinji and Auska corralled them all in little time.

Note that it hasn't been established anywhere in this story that either of these two have any combat skills. I mean, there's a big difference between piloting a mech and using hand-to-hand combat skills themselves. But I guess we're just supposed to accept that Shinji and Asuka are fighting machines just because.

The battle with Porrdo was not going quite as well. Saiyaman was unable to penetrate his defenses. His stamina was starting to fade, and he couldn't tell if he was doing anything to wear down his opponent. Porrdo fired several blasts at Saiyaman, all of which missed. Saiyaman grabbed a foot and swung Porrdo though a wall.

Sorry I don't have any witty comments to go with this fight scene, it's pretty straight-forward.

Saiyaman leapt forward and looked around quickly, unable to sense anything. A fist smashed Saiyaman in the back. Our hero swiped at the attacker, but missed. Porrdo connected on several punches, but Saiyaman retaliated with several of his own. Porrdo broke up the combat and leapt back.

"You're a bit stronger than I expected, Saiyaman. However, you don't have what it takes to save the city from us!" yelled Porrdo.

"Us?" muttered Saiyaman as Porrdo launched a blinding energy blast. As soon as Saiyaman recovered his senses, he searched for Porrdo, but to no avail.

So the guy just ran off even though he was winning? What's with these villains randomly giving up?

Saiyaman fell to his knees from utter exhaustion. He looked up to see Rei Ayanami and Shinji Ikari approaching.

His glance shifted to Rei Ayanami. Gathering himself, Saiyaman stood up and powered up. He then turned towards Rei and Shinji, hatred and hurt with a touch of passion filling his eyes.

"When evil returns, so will I," said Saiyaman as he flew off into the sky towards the mansion.

Saiyaman: "For they are one in the same."

As Gohan Jr. hung up his suit, he grabbed the single-pump shotgun that was lying on a table. After changing back into his school clothes, Gohan Jr. took off back to the school. He landed behind the school and ran around the side to the front. He ran up to Rei and Shinji as they walked to the front.

"Sorry guys. I had a hard time finding one that was loaded. What happened?" asked Gohan Jr.

"Him, eh? It figures. Say Rei, do you still want to look at my weapons?"

"After today, no. Maybe….a later date."

"Just ask when you want to, Rei. The door's always open."

Gohan Jr: "Particularly my back door, it's open to anything. Just stick it in as hard as you can and it's sure to fit!"

Gohan Jr. turned from Rei and went home. Upon getting home, Gohan Jr. went straight into the gravity chamber. He began training after school every day for the next two weeks. His training consisted of training at 150 times earth's gravity and sometimes higher. It involved using training robots and doing basic exercises, as well as fighting against himself.

Apparently punching oneself in the face is considered an effective training exercise now.

Every night, Gohan Jr. had the horrible nightmares, and sometimes those nightmares occurred while he was awake. Fortunately, they only enhanced his training. Gohan Jr. was getting stronger every day, and his max power had doubled since the fight with Porrdo. Gohan Jr. also noticed signs of a level beyond Super Saiyan Gohan Jr. then got to thinking on the night two weeks after the Porrdo incident…

Gohan Jr: "I just wonder what Porrdo's up to!"

This power I have obtained is amazing! However, I feel really sorry for Rikitsu. She must have a terrible home life.

Rikitsu: "Man! I sure have a great home life! You, manslave! Bring me the gold-plated head of a bear, so I can pleasure myself with it. Where's my copy of No More Heroes 3?"

Lord, I pray that whatever that girl has to go through that you keep her safe and help her to realize your love for all of your children. Also, help me to figure out my feelings for Rei Ayanami. I don't want to do anything stupid,

A little late for that.

and I need your help and guidance to do that. Lastly, give me the knowledge and the strength to find my father's murderers. Your word says that revenge is yours lord, but…I'm a Saiyan!

Rikitsu: "Man! I sure have a great home life! You, manslave! Bring me the gold-plated head of a bear, so I can pleasure myself with it. Where's my copy of No More Heroes 3?"

Ha ha, that was awesome. I'm really lovin' this mock, although working my way through this fanfiction is something else...

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“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.”

Gohan Jr. was walking home from school with Rei talking about weapons when Rei started to shake violently. Blood oozed out of her like sweat.

Oh my God! The conversation they were having was so painfully boring that Rei is experiencing hematohidrosis!

As Gohan Jr. screamed out her name, a terrifying figure emerged from behind her. It was a head taller than Gohan and had lots of muscle. A large tail swept back and forth behind the creature.

"I killed your father, boy!" It screamed as it took a swipe at Gohan Jr. Our hero went Super Saiyan and tried to fly away, but a hand grabbed his foot and threw him into a wall. Gohan Jr. looked up just in time to see Rei explode. Gohan Jr. began to scream as his eyes rolled back…

"They were wearing black soldiers uniforms with a symbol on the side of their helmets."

Gohan Jr. sat straight up. Those are Porrdo's henchmen!

Or they’re cosplayers. You should probably kill them regardless.

"This is perfect! They couldn't have made a bigger tactical error. Porrdo will provide plenty of information on his boss."

Gohan Jr. entered the elevator in his closet and ran out into the lair as he turned to his Super Saiyan form. He put on his armored suit and flew up the shaft that lead to his backyard. Landing in the garden, Saiyaman snuck around the side of his mansion and to the gate. Hiding behind the large pillar, he climbed the wall and noticed a guard below him that wasn't paying any attention. Saiyaman grabbed the man while covering his mouth to prevent a scream from coming out. Using his speed, Saiyaman went back behind his house and into the forest, well out of earshot.

Gohan silently rejoiced at the opportunity to play out his favorite scene from Deliverance.

"WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?" growled Saiyaman as he slammed the guard against a tree.

"Mommy!" cried the guard as he was slammed against the tree again.

Gohan Jr: “I knew it! It was Mommy all along!”

"I WANT ANSWERS, AND I WANT THEM NOW! IF YOU DON'T START TALKING, I'LL START BREAKING THE BONES IN YOUR BODY!"

"I'll tell you anything; just don't hurt me."

"Who sent you to this location?"

"Some guy named Porrdo. He got orders to wait for you here and to kill you."

Guard: “Don’t ask me why I take orders from some guy I don’t even know, or why guards have been tasked with an assassination!”

"Who gave him the orders?"

"I don't know," said the guard as he started to sweat nervously.

"WRONG ANSWER!" raged Saiyaman as he gave a blow that broke the guard's left leg. The guard muffled into Saiyaman's hand.

"Everyone thought you died ten years ago. I was one of the few who kept alive the notion that you would return one day. They harassed me all the time, and now that you've returned, those people now agree with me.

Guard: “And they still owe me 50 bucks- er, yen.”

I don't want to work for Gendo Ikari. He's pure evil. I only did it because I had to provide money for my family," pleaded the guard.

"If you're really telling the truth, you must do something for me."

"What?"

Gohan Jr then took off his pants, revealing his shaft. He didn’t have to say anything more…

"I want you to go home and never work for Gendo again. Go home to your family. If you honor these two conditions, I may be able to get you to work for Gohan Jr., so that you can provide for your family. Now go!"

Gohan Jr: “Also, you must accept God and Jesus as your lord and savior, or I’ll have to break your other leg.”

With that, the guard turned and left without saying a word.

Despite having a broken leg.

Saiyaman went back to the lair and came out with a bunch of remote mines. Sneaking back to the gate, Saiyaman planted a mine on every truck while stealthily avoiding all the guards. Once Saiyaman reached the beginning of town, he hid behind a building corner and triggered all the mines. The explosions rocked the city.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, who spends all his time training in hand-to-hand combat, but then just bombs everyone from a safe distance.

As Saiyaman looked around the corner, he noticed that Porrdo was fleeing towards the sewer entrance. Just as Porrdo was reaching the sewers, Saiyaman knocked him through the door leading to the Machinery Room. Porrdo looked up, but it was too dark to see anything.

"I'm coming to get you!" hissed a demonic-like voice.

Which could only belong to our God-loving hero.

"WHO ARE YOU?" screamed Porrdo.

"I am the darkness of justice. I have returned after a ten-year absence, and I've come to kill your boss."

You’ll never get me, Saiyaman! Er, I mean, you’ll never get Gendo Ikari. Yeah, that’s it.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"No. You work for the enemy. Anyone who works for the enemy will die."

"PLEASE, YOUR OMNIPOTENCE , HAVE MERCY!"

"I'm all out of mercy, but I can provide your death," said Saiyaman as he fired an energy blastat some pipes behind Porrdo.

You’re all out of mercy? You mean you used it all up letting a guy whose leg you broke go?

The exploding steam consumed Porrdo as he began firing wild energy shots. The room blazed into flames. Saiyaman took the opportunity to power up to his maximum power and jumped to the ground were the door out was. Porrdo turned to try to run out the door just as the flames in front of Saiyaman grew huge. Porrdo stopped in his tracks out of fear once he saw Saiyaman.

"You barely survived before. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN KILL ME THIS EASILY?" demanded Porrdo.

"It's easy. I've been training for this moment. My power has doubled since our last fight. You won't be able to touch me."

Gohan Jr: “Also, I brought a gun.”

*BLAM*

Gohan Jr: “That was easy.”

"DIE!" screamed Porrdo as he fired an energy blast at our hero. Saiyaman leapt up and landed a blow to porrdo's gut. Saiyaman flung him into some pipes and gave chase in a huge physical assault. Porrdo could not keep up with the speed of Saiyaman's punches and kicks. Porrdo tried to grapple our hero, but Saiyaman avoided it and kicked Porrdo into a wall. Saiyaman got into a low stance and cupped his hands together and brought them back around his right hip. A ball of energy began to form…

"KAAAAAAMMEEEEEHAAAAMEEEEEHAAAAAA!" Screamed Saiyaman as he blasted Porrdo to hell.

Where Porrdo would join a rock band with Goku Jr.

Saiyaman, with only an eighth of his power left, headed back home. As soon as he landed in his lair, Fredrick was waiting.

With a jar of Vaseline and a carrot in his hands.

"Fredrick, It's a quarter to 6 A.M. I just got back from a fight and I need to rest immediately, which means that I have to skip school today. I need you to take this schoolwork to school for me and get all of today's work for me. Tell them that I had several major deals come up and I'm too busy to come to school today."

I think that’s a load of bull. You only missed an hour of sleep! I think someone who’s supposed to be in peak physical performance like you can sit through some boring classes.

"Yes sir," was all that Fredrick said. As soon as he left the lair, Gohan Jr. went to his room and went to sleep…

Without reading the bible for twenty minutes and praying? Heretic!

Meanwhile, deep in the NERV complex, an evil pair was conversing between one another.

"I see that Saiyaman is as annoying as ever," stated a loud voice.

Voice: “What with his murderous rampages and all, he’s most irritating.”

"Yes master. It seems that he destroyed Porrdo and his forces quite easily after barely managing to survive against him before," explained a different voice.

He seems to know quite a bit about this race despite no pure-blooded Saiyans existing in the world for a century.

"Master, I have a plan in mind. It involves using an Angel to draw him out and using your Evangalions to destroy him."

So now you’re telling us he can control the Angels?

Fine, whatever; you’ve already fucked up Evangelion even more than it already was.

"It better work, Ginyu. I don't want failure!"

Author's note: Ginyu has no relation at all to the Captain Ginyu from Dragonball Z. I just decided to use the name because it's a good name for a villian's top henchman.

Seeing as how you suck so badly at coming up with names yourself, I’ll accept that.

I strongly recommend posting reviews for my story. I need to know if I need to work on anything for my writing skills or hints for better story-telling. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for chapter 5!

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So to recap: Our righteous and pure protagonist injures and murders hundreds of guards without them even firing a single shot at him, then he defeats Porrdo, whom we've grown to love and hate over the course of, well, a chapter.

Finally, the author tries to fit in even more of Evangelion's story into this one; poorly, of course.

If that last chapter was way too exciting for you, this one is full of people talking about stuff, like rape, so it should be way easier on those with weak hearts.

---

Author's note: Sorry for the long wait, whoever is actually keeping up with each chapter. I've been busy with sports camps and other various things in my life.

Life? LIFE?! Oh fuck, you have one of those, don’t you?

Here is Chapter 5 and It'll be a while until I get chapter 6 out. Also, if you don't like the girl on girl description that you will soon read, just understand that the main character is not involved with that and the girl was too scared to act in time.

Well that’s good, because nothing ruins a lesbian scene for me quite like consensuality.

Also, how could Gohan be involved in a girl on girl scene?

But if you really don't like that stuff in any way, shape, or form, then don't read that part. Now enjoy the new chapter!

Chapter 5

Gohan Jr. blinked as he woke up. Birds were chirping

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT SHUT UP ABOUT THE MOTHER FUCKING BIRDS!

And before you ask: No, it isn’t beautiful.

and his body had recovered from the fight. After dressing up in training shorts and a sleeveless grey shirt, Gohan Jr. took a long stretch. The clock read 12:30 P.M, so Gohan Jr. went downstairs for something to eat. As he stepped into the lobby, the doorbell sounded. Gohan Jr. answered the doorbell.

Candygram!

*SLAM*

"Misato?" asked Gohan Jr. as Misato stepped into the doorway.

*SLAM*

"I'm here to collect for NERV."

*SLAM*

"Please come in."

WHY WON’T YOU SLAM?

Misato and Gohan Jr. took a seat in the east living room on the first floor. Gohan Jr. sat next to Misato as Fredrick brought in fresh juice.

"How did you know that I liked Orange juice?" asked Misato in a semi-flirtatious voice.

Gohan Jr: “God told me in a dream. He said to me: ‘MISATO LIKES ORANGE JUICE AND IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU GAVE HER SOME, ‘K?’”

"I didn't. Now, about NERV's shipment; since they failed to meet my deadline by over a week, NERV will get not one of my weapons. I'm sorry to say that, but it's policy. No exceptions."

"I understand, sir. I have something else that I need to talk about."

So even though the very purpose of the meeting was to collect the weapons, she’s just going to change the subject like that?

"Go on."

"There's something about that girl that I think you should know before you learn the hard way."

"Learn what the hard way?"

Misato: “Tell me, Gohan Jr. Have you ever seen ‘The Crying Game’?”

"Rei never really did show her emotions very much, except for three months ago. She was Shinji Ikari's girlfriend for about six months before she found out that he was really in love with Asuka. She then broke up with him and has slipped back into a shell that she was in before they started dating. She desperately needs help."

So is this story even going to try to follow the continuity of Evangelion, or is the author just going to throw everything around so it loosely fits in his fanfiction?

Why am I even asking that?

"That's really sad."

"Since Rei works for me at NERV, we've had to ask her questions about her life on occasion. She actually talks about you quite a bit. I like that she's hanging around someone, Lord knows she needs it, but the commander doesn't want you to associate with her. I was supposed to tell you to stay away, but I don't want to. Rei needs a healthy relationship."

And this murderous psycho is clearly the best person for that.

"If that is what she needs, I will provide one for her. I won't let you down Misato."

"Thank you," said Misato as she stood to leave. Gohan Jr. saw her out the door and as soon as he closed it, he slumped against the door.

So, commander Ikari doesn't want me to see Rei. I can't believe it! I can't believe that my father's killer is the father of a friend of mine! How am I supposed to break that to him?

Fortunately Shinji already hates his father with the passion of a thousand Linkin Park songs, so he’ll probably buy it.

Gohan Jr. got up and went to his upstairs workspace. While he was working, the man that he had spared earlier as Saiyaman had arrived in the hopes of working for him. Gohan Jr. accepted the offer and told him his work hours. The man immediately went to work helping Gohan reach orgasmbuild weapons. At around 3 o'clock, Gohan Jr. heard the doorbell ring. He answered it and found Rei in tears. Her sleeves were torn and she had a bruise on her left shoulder.

"What happened Rei?" asked Gohan Jr. with alarm.

Rei: “Shmeckie found me! He found me!”

"I…" started Rei as she began to sob. Gohan Jr. pulled her into a hug and patted her on the back.

"Please, tell me what happened."

"Rikitsu approached me after school. She started to call me…horrible names!"

Rei: “Like ‘Poopyhead’!”

Rikitsu must have used some really foul language to make Rei cry.

Just the other dayShe was called “A little turkey”But she’s a chicken, got it?Ya beef jerkey!

"Anyways, she also told me that I had no real friends and that nobody would ever want to associate themselves with me. Asuka and Shinji tried to stop her, but she suddenly grabbed my shoulder really hard and pressed her lips against mine."

Good thing the author told me earlier that she didn’t consent to it; otherwise I’d be horrified.

"WHAT?" raged Gohan Jr. as his energy level rose to half Super Saiyan. He was barely in control of himself. For some reason, Rei didn't noticed his change.

Don’t bother telling us what the reason is, of course. That would take effort.

"She pressed her lips against mine and pulled me into her. She even grinded her hips into mine and slipped her tongue into my mouth. I just froze on the spot for some reason. I think that everyone watching froze. Anyways, as she was kissing me, I burst away, resulting in my torn sleeves. I ran all the way here," said Rei as she burst into a waterfall of tears.

Gohan Jr: “That’s it? Bitch, that ain’t nothing compared to what I’m about to do to you. Now bend over."

Gohan Jr. calmed himself down and guided Rei to his room. He sat her on his bed and watched as she cried her eyes out, leaving a big tearstain on his bed.

Right where he wants her…

"Rei, My church youth group is coming over for a meeting tonight. Do you want to be a part of it?"

"Not today. I'm not up to it."

"Okay. I'll tell the group about the scenario and we'll pray for you. I'm sure that they don't want you in pain any more than I do."

Gohan Jr: “Maybe, the Lord will forgive you of your grievous sin of kissing a girl, and spare your immortal soul.”

Gohan Jr. glanced at the clock and noticed that his friends would be over in a couple hours. He looked at Rei and felt his heart soften.

"You can stay in here as long as you like. I'll be back in a while to check up on you."

"Thank you…"

Rei: “But did you really have to put these pink handcuffs on m-“

*SLAM*

……………………….

A few hours later, after the youth group people left, Gohan Jr. went up to his room to check up on Rei. As he opened the door, he heard some snoring. He noticed Rei was asleep.

Finally putting Gohan’s fear of Rei being a vampire to rest.

He closed the door and decided to take care of some other business. Gohan ran down to the lair and changed into Saiyaman. He took off into the night and found Misato's apartment, for that was where Shinji was living. He landed on the balcony outside of Shinji's room. Hearing a noise, Saiyaman pressed his ears to the wall and was horrified to hear Shinji and Asuka making out.

Oh God no, not kissing! Please tell me it’s not consensual!

Also, thanks for throwing this ship at us without any buildup whatsoever, Broly.

Shinji was in the middle of something naughty when he suddenly decided that he needed a breath of air. Saiyaman leapt to the side of the building and stood there. Shinji walked to the edge of the balcony and leaned on the railing. Saiyaman jumped on the balcony and closed the door to his room. Shinji turned around and was horrified by what he saw.

Shinji: “Oh shit! It’s Kamen Rider!”

Saiyaman: “Huh. Most people say something else.”

"Calm down! You're innocent, so far," said Saiyaman.

"What are you doing here?" asked Shinji in a distressed voice.

"I've come to bring you bad news."

"What bad news?"

Saiyaman: “Asuka has crabs.”

Shinji: “Yeah, I already saw them. Aren’t they cute?”

"NERV is not what they seem. Your dad is planning something horrible for the whole world."

"Your dad killed the previous Saiyaman, my father, when I was only four years old. I need some way to get into NERV so that I can access their computers to figure out exactly what they're up to."

"The security at NERV is too tight to break through, even for you. They place cameras in every spot possible to get in. There's no w….WAIT! There is one way."

Ah. The old hide-in-a-giant-cake strategy.

"How."

A little late to greet him, Saiyaman.

"If you can somehow get in one of our evangelions, you can get into our base undetected. However, you'd have to figure out the rest from there."

Shini: “Of course, there’s that thing about the “Sync Levels” and the chance of the Eva going on a violent rampage, but you’re a Gary Stu. It should work fine.

"That's alright. How often do the evangelions get used?"

"Not a lot recently."

What with the original plot getting de-railed for a shitty fanfiction and all.

"It will. I can feel it," said Saiyaman as he leapt off of the balcony and flew off into the night towards home…

As Gohan Jr. opened the door to his room from the hallway, he found Rei sitting on his bed. He sat next to her.

He then forced her to go down on his shaft. Don’t worry. She didn’t consent to it.

"I guess you might need a ride home. I can get…" started Gohan Jr.

"No. I don't want to go home," said Rei in her emotionless tone.

"Why?"

Why the hell would you want to spend more time with this loser?

"My emotional pain that I've been experiencing for a long time is getting worse and I'm getting very depressed. I've even considered taking my own life. If I go back to that apartment…I won't survive."

I feel the same way right now.

Gohan Jr. sat there trying to comprehend what Rei just described as her home life.

"I don't want to feel that pain anymore. I don't want to be depressed," said Rei in an emotional plea. Gohan Jr. looked up into Rei's eyes.

"Rei, if your current home life is that bad, you should stay here for as long as it takes, maybe the rest of your life, I don't know. I do know that I am offering you permanent residence here."

Gohan Jr: “I already have a doghouse outside with your name on it. Just say the word.”

"What if NERV doesn't like it?"

"I don't care what NERV thinks. They've been on my hate list for quite some time. I need your company in this huge mansion," said Gohan Jr. with a smile. Rei smiled in response by showing what was a huge smile for her.

"Fredrick! We have a new member of our extended family!" screamed Gohan as he ran out of the room and into the kitchen.

Fredrick: “I’m right in front of you, sir. Why on Earth are you screaming?”

"That's good sir. Who is it?" asked Fredrick.

"Rei Ayanami!"

"She's a good girl, if I do say so. I'll treat her like a daughter."

More like a daughter with benefits in his case.

"Good! I need you to take her shopping tomorrow morning. She needs a new wardrobe and a new set of appliances that a woman needs. You know what that is.

Fredrick: “But sir, we already have a kitchen.”

Also, I'm going to bed, so please let me sleep in."

"I'll do so, sir."

"Thank you, Fredrick," said Gohan Jr. as he left the room and went up to his bedroom. He spoke to Rei:

"Rei, you can sleep on my couch for tonight. I'll get you situated tomorrow."

"Thank you," said Rei as Gohan Jr. fell into a deep sleep….

Rei: “Finally! Now I can kill him and be with Rikitsu forever!”

---

So to recap: Rikitsu and Rei almost have sex, but it's okay, because Rei didn't consent to it. Then Shinji and Saiyaman have a talk that highlights how messed up this plot is.

Well this mock has been dead for some time, so those of you who haven't read the previous chapters should go read them. If that's too tl;dr for you, here's a quick synopsis: Gohan Jr, son of Goku Jr, is a superhero living in Tokyo-3, the setting of Evangelion, looking for the man who killed his father while also trying to score with Rei. Gohan Jr also loves Jesus and the killer was apparently Gendo Ikari.

Now, on with the mock!

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Note: It's been a long time since my last update. I've been busy with basketball, track, and school projects. I finally am not so busy and am ready to finish this story. disclaimer to Dragonball Z and Evangelion.

Chapter 6 Chapter 6

I wonder if this is Chapter 6.

Gohan Jr. awoke to the birds chirping at about noon.

Okay, now you’re just taunting me.

He yawned and stretched as he got out of bed. Putting on his black tank top and black shorts

and black socks and black shoes and black hat and black gloves and black condom and…

, Gohan Jr. opened the door to his bedroom and was adjusting to the light when he saw the most amazing thing. Rei Ayanami was standing before him in a blue swimsuit.

She looked up as she heard the door open. Gohan Jr.'s jaw hanged a little.

WOW! She's so hot! She's got quite a body. She also looks quite tangy…NO! I won't be like every other boy.

”I WON’T be attracted to women! I WON’T I WON’T I WON’T!”

"Fredrick and I got home about 30 minutes ago. Fredrick said you had a hot tub, and I was wondering if you'd join me," said Rei in her normal voice.

As opposed to her Donald Duck voice she likes to use from time to time.

Would I? "Sure," said Gohan Jr. as she walked down the stairs. He then ran to his room and changed into swim trunks. He raced down after her and opened the door to his giant swimming room. Gohan Jr. walked past his Olympic pool and stood before Rei.

You know, a lot of the money that went into building this could have been given to charity.

Just saying.

She was hanging her towel on the wall rack. She smoothly moved into the hot tub in the east corner of the room. Gohan Jr. followed her into the tub and looked at her facial features.

”Nice… chin.”

"Rei, I have a question to ask, and it may seem a little strange," said Gohan Jr. in a shy tone.

"What is your question?" asked Rei.

Gohan Jr: “Would you like to go to a Vanilla Ice concert with m- Hey! Where are you going?”

"I want to know if you want to be my date for the dance that's coming up tomorrow."

"Of course," said Rei as she looked into Gohan's eyes. He was barely able to look into her eyes, for she was so beautiful to him.

After another 10 minutes of silence, Gohan Jr. got out of his hot tub.

Just thought I’d give you a visualization of what those 10 minutes were like.

He looked back at Rei.

"I'm going to town for a while. Call me if you need help…"

Gohan Jr. went up to his room and changed into a striped polo shirt and denim shorts before he headed out the door. He made sure that a Saiyaman suit stayed hidden in the trunk for emergency purposes. He told the driver his destination and watched the peace of people interacting with kindness.

Peace that all true warriors strived for.

How many CD-I references is that so far?

Gohan Jr. was dropped off at the mall in the center of the city. He made his way through the front of the mall and into the food court at the center. As he was waiting for his food, he noticed some jocks from school approaching his location. Gohan Jr. prepared his conversation as one of them saw him and pointed excitedly at him. The group was soon in front of him.

"Hello, Gohan! Fancy seeing you here!" said the football lineman.

Saiyaman: “I love you. No wait! Damn, I suck at this!”

"I just wanted to hang out in the mall today. Maybe hit an electronics store, get a few parts for my laboratory, make a gun, you know," said Gohan Jr. as casually as he could.

"You build your own weapons? I thought someone with your wealth would have hired people to do the work for you," inquired the point guard. Gohan Jr. smiled a little.

Almost giving away his dishonesty.

"I could, but I don't trust people. There are too many people who would love to steal my ideas and use them for evil purposes."

That damn Plankton is always trying to steal his secret formula.

"This has been an interesting chat, but we have other matters to tend to now. Maybe we can talk later?" asked the quarterback.

That was an interesting chat? I’d hate to read what they think is a boring chat.

"Another time," said Gohan Jr. as the guys walked away. Gohan noticed that the guys were following a girl who was leaving the mall. Gohan Jr. snuck his way past all of them and made it to his car unnoticed. He changed into his outfit and transformed into his Super Saiyan form. He noticed the guys following the girl into the back alley. They had her surrounded and she looked very panicked. Saiyaman noticed her face and realized that they were about to molest Rikitsu.

Apparently that interesting chat got these guys in the mood for some raping- er, molesting.

Also, it seems that bad guys in this world are content to simply grope girls against their will, rather than rape them. I guess this must be the world from Steel.

I know she's a skank, but she needs help. She needs to see how a gentleman fights to defend a woman.

"By flailing my arms wildly and reciting the Brady Bunch theme!"

Saiyaman launched himself at the jocks without warning and took them out quickly.

”This is a storyOf a man named –oh wait, I already won.”

After making sure they were unconscious but alive, Saiyaman looked Rikitsu in the eye. She was shocked, to say the least.

To say the most, she was crying in fear.

"Are you hurt ma'am?" asked Saiyaman as he stared at his classmate's face.

"No. Thank you for helping me," said Rikitsu with an unusual amount of kindness for her. Saiyaman walked over and offered her a hand.

One of the jocks’ hands. It came off pretty easily.

"We need to get out of here."

"Will you stay with me the whole afternoon?" asked Rikitsu with a sad look on her face. Saiyaman looked into her eyes and couldn't detect any deceit, so he agreed. Rikitsu walked with Saiyaman into the mall where everyone could see them together. People started to take pictures of them together. After an hour, reporters appeared out of nowhere and were peppering Saiyaman with questions about if they were a couple or not:

"No. I have no relations of that kind with this woman."

Quoting Bill Clinton won’t help you here.

"Ma'am, if you aren't dating, then why are you two eating here?"

Saiyaman: ”Because she’s paying.”

Rikitsu didn't answer, so Saiyaman shoed away the reporters. He turned to look Rikitsu in the eye. Rikitsu spoke first.

"Why did you help me?"

"You were in danger. I rescued you. Simple."

"Every guy that I have met always wants to have sexual relations with me. You don't appear to have any in me. It's kind of weird."

Saiyaman: “We could do it in my car if you think it would ‘unweird’ this experience for you.”

"You will find in this dark world that not everyone's a sexual predator, ma'am. There are plenty of men around who are like me."

"Except for the super powers."

Now she’s stealing my jokes. What can’t this girl do?

"Yes," said Saiyaman with a grin. His watch-phone suddenly came to life. He excused himself and whispered into his watch-phone.

"So did I. You're free to do your duty," said Rikitsu with a genuine smile. Saiyaman returned the smile, and then bolted out of the mall and into his cab.

After checking to ensure he had left, Rikitsu produced Saiyaman’s wallet from behind her back.

“Heh heh. Sucker.”

He told the driver to head for home. When the car stopped, Gohan Jr. was dressed up normally.

That was a weird rescue/date.

"Rei, where are you?" asked Gohan Jr. as he opened the door to his room. Rei was sitting on his bed with a book in her hands. She looked up at Gohan and handed him the book.

"What is this book?" asked Rei

"This is a bibleNecronomicon, Rei," said Gohan Jr. as he was about to set it down on his desk across the room.

"What's that?" asked Rei as Gohan Jr. fell down. He got up with a weird look on his face.

"The bible is what my entire belief system is based on. You should read it when you find some time. If you have questions that you think I can answer, ask them."

”I’d advise that you start with the Book of Mormon. That’s where all the important stuff is.”

"Okay."

"Since the dance is tomorrow, why don't you go dress shopping with Fredrick? I'd go with you, but I have work to do on my weapons"

"I find that acceptable."

Can you feel that? It’s all the chemistry in the air!

As Rei went dress shopping with Fredrick, Saiyaman spent his time modifying his weapons. He tinkered with his top-secret weapon and worked on a modified Shotgun. Saiyaman also worked on modifying the endurance of his armor.

I can feel a war coming on, and I need to be ready

That’s not your feeling. It’s just Glen Beck playing on the radio.

Gohan Jr. worked his way through the night and after some sleep, through the morning and early afternoon. He stopped at about 3 o clock and showered before finding a good suit for the dance. At the door, Gohan Jr. met Rei…

”Nice to meet you, Rei.”

Rei's black dress showed off every good feature about her, and Gohan Jr. couldn't help but stare. Rei gave a little bow and smiled at Gohan.

"That's a nice suit, Gohan," said Rei as Gohan gathered himself.

Embarrassingly realizing that she was referring to his birthday suit.

"Thanks. You're very pretty in that dress," said Gohan as Rei blushed ever so slightly.

"Shall we go to the dance?" she asked as she offered her hand. Gohan gave her an elbow.

A jock’s elbow. He’d been storing it in the fridge.

"Let's go."

As Gohan escorted Rei into the car, he was wondering about the lack of action in the city.

I hope I get some action soon. This city has been pretty boring lately.

Maybe if the date goes well…

Little did Gohan Jr. know that the greatest adventure of his life was about to begin in a few hours…

---

So to recap: Gohan Jr has the most boring dates in the world and the fight scenes are even worse.

In this chapter Gohan Jr takes Rei to the dance, but what is Gendo planning?! You must read to find out!

---

Note: I don't own Dragonball Z, Evangelion, Doom, or any Super Hero reference that you can find. read

Chapter 7

The TWEB building was full of sparkling vampires lights and a giant red carpet going into the building.

TWEB, of course, stands for Time Wasted Examining Bullshit, a perfect way to describe me and this fanfiction.

A lot of teenagers were gathered on the front plaza. At the front of the group were Rikitsu, who was chatting it up with her friends,

Chatting?! What a whore!

and Shinji with Asuka. Gohan Jr.'s limo pulled up to the curb at that very moment. Every eye turned to see whose limousine it was. Gohan Jr. got out of his side and approached the door in front of the curb as the students roared on. Their roars became even louder when Gohan Jr. pulled Rei out of the car kicking and screaming. Rikitsu's jaw hung; Shinji and Asuka couldn't believe their eyes. Nobody had ever seen Rei in a dress, so they were quite surprised by Rei's lack of sex appeal. Comments were being thrown all over the place:

"Gohan Jr. and Ayanami?"

Peanut butter and sour cream?

Oreos and vinegar?

Master Chief and the Wii?

Notice a pattern here?

"I didn't know Rei was such a hottie!"

"Rei, that's so hot!"/hilton

That should be me with Gohan Jr. Thought Rikitsu as she turned to one of her female friends and whispered something in her ear. They fled into the building.

They decided to forget about Gohan Sue and just scissor in the broom closet.

Gohan Jr. could tell that Rei was very self-conscience, so he put a hand around her shoulder gave her a reassuring smile. Rei gave a small smile back as the two of them made their way to the ballroom where the dance was being held. Gohan Jr. sat Rei at a table and was about to go fetch her a drink when Asuka and Shinji approached them.

"Congratulations to you both!" said Asuka in a cheery voice.

"Congratulations on what?" asked Gohan Jr.

Asuka: “You’ve won a trip to Disney World!”

"On your relationship!" said Asuka with a grin.

"We're just friends."

"Sure you are…"

"We. Are. Just. Friends. I don't think I can spell it any clearer, Asuka. Do you think that all men are sexual pigs or something?"

I don’t think that’s quite what she was saying, Gohan, but feel free to jump to whatever retarded conclusions you wish.

"HEY! I AM NOT…" started Asuka, but Shinji gave her a nudge.

Shinji: “Come on, Asuka. Any character that makes me look good by comparison should just be left alone.”

She stopped herself as Shinji spoke up.

"There's nothing wrong with taking a friend to prom. Frankly, I think what you did was pretty cool, Gohan Jr.!" said Shinji with a smile. Gohan Jr. returned it as Shinji and Asuka left.

Shinji: “Douche.”

Asuka: “Prick.”

Gohan Jr: “Fools.”

Gohan Jr. went over to the food table and found some fruit punch. As Gohan went back to Rei, he noticed that a slow song had just started. He set the drink down and offered Rei his hand.

He ran out of hands from the jocks so he just cut off his own.

"May I have the honor of a dance?" asked Gohan Jr.

"Yes," said Rei as she put her arms around Gohan's shoulders and Gohan put his hands on her waist…

…

Meanwhile, deep in the NERV institute, a man with dark hair and glasses was entering a code on a counsel. A giant purple creature ran out of the hangar-sized box it was trapped in and into the real world.

Soon, the world would know the true face of Barney the Dinosaur.

"Go, you stupid Angel. Serve your final purpose…"

”And remember to get an extra-large Coke this time!”

….

Gohan looked around while Rei's face was buried in his shoulder. He noticed all of the guys starting to kiss and hold their girlfriends/dates more than necessary.

Dude, if Shinji is able to get more action from a conscious girl than you, there’s something very wrong.

Gohan Jr. looked down at Rei to notice a look of confusion on her face.

"What's wrong, Rei?"

Rei: “I’m so confused. Why the fuck do I love you?”

"Why is so many people kissing and touching each other like that?"

"I honestly don't know Rei."

"So we don't have to do that? It's not part of some social rule?"

Why would she think- How would- oh fuck it

"No, Rei. We don't have to kiss."

"That's a relief," said Rei as silence returned to the conversation.

Rei: “Thank God I don’t have to touch his chapped lips.”

The music played for a few more minutes. Suddenly, alarms were going off in the whole building. Rei looked around and then into Gohan Jr.'s eyes.

Which looked like DEEP POOLS THAT SHE COULD GET LOST IN.

"I was enjoying this dance, but I believe an Angel is attacking the city. I have to head to NERV. I'll finish this dance later," said Rei as she ran off to save the cityget inevitably upstaged by Saiyaman.

"We will," said Saiyaman as he followed suit…

….

The Angel was knocking over tall structures and crushing people with all the rubble.

He picks up a busAnd he throws it back downAs he wades through the buildings Toward the center of town

He was about to swipe at another building when a flash of gold knocked the hand over. The Angel looked down to see Saiyaman staring at it.

"I don't know what you are, creature, but you will not terrorize this city anymore!" bellowed Saiyaman. The Angel fired a large green plasma ball at Saiyaman, but he flew away from it.

GENIUS!

Saiyaman launched several energy waves at the Angel, injuring its left arm. Saiyaman ran up the right arm and launched a fierce physical assault on the Angel's face, knocking it over. Saiyaman then launched energy blasts at a rapid-fire rate at the Angel, hurting it even further. Saiyaman powered up for his finishing move…

"!" raged Saiyaman as the Angel was destroyed.

Saiyaman was channeling his inner Mykan there.

Saiyaman was breathing fairly hard, for he had used up half his power in the assault. He looked up at the Evangelions, and saw that they weren't moving.

That can't be good thought Saiyaman as he prepared himself for the upcoming assault…

"Set your sights on Saiyaman," came the order through the static comm. Signals. Rei could feel her mind in torment. Shinji felt a little queasy, but charged at Saiyaman along with Asuka…

Wait what? So they’re just going to attack him? Even though they know he some sort of hero? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’d attack him too, but these guys are supposed to like him, right? Were these guys ever ordered to attack innocent people and do it on the show? Are these guys retar- oh wait that answers it.

Saiyaman charged up his remaining power and flew away from the Evangalions and into the city.

Shouldn’t the skyscrapers all have been retracted into ground because of the attack?

And WHY WOULD YOU GO INTO THE CITY WHERE ALL THE PEOPLE ARE? Why don’t you just fly very far away from the city to where there are no civilians who could get KILLED?

The Evangelions followed in close pursuit. Saiyaman hid behind a skyscraper and turned on his cloaking devicedeus-ex machina that he had constructed recently. The two Evangelions rounded both sides of the building, but found nothing. As Shinji and Asuka pondered and checked their radars, Saiyaman found his way back to Rei's Evangelion and tore a hole in it. He swam through the LCL liquid and transported himself into the chamber that Rei sat in. Rei's eyes widened in surprise as Saiyaman stared at her with his dark stare.

"Do you know why you've been ordered to destroy me?" asked Saiyaman.

"It doesn't matter. I have orders to follow," whispered Rei.

Then why aren’t you trying to slap him or something?

"Are you sure that your orders are from someone you can trust?"

"What are you implying ?"

"Commander Ikari is not the man you think he is," said Saiyaman as the comm. system came to life.

"Is there any sign of Saiyaman, Rei?" blared Misato's voice. Rei looked at Saiyaman before she answered:

"No, Major. He got away."

"Oh well. Please come back to base."

"Yes Major," said Rei as she shut off her comm. System. Saiyaman looked at Rei’s BEAUTIFUL EYES.

"As soon as we get to your base, I need to have my health restored. I used most of my energy on the Angel."

"I can lead you to a healing room after my briefing."

"I also need to find out what Gendo is up to."

He just wonders what Gendo is up to.

"I'll find a way to take you to Archives," said Rei as the Evangelion was docking in the hanger. Saiyaman turned on his cloaking device just as Rei's door opened. He followed her out of the Evangelion and down several halls before stopping in a room where Misato and other high-ranking officers awaited the Evangelion pilots.

Misato: “Hello Saiyaman.”

Saiyaman: “Hello, Misa- OH FUCK”

Saiyaman spotted a corner with large crates. He raced over and hid just as he turned off the cloaking device to recharge. He peeked and saw the other pilots. As soon as Rei started to leave, Saiyaman activated his cloak and followed her again. Rei led Saiyaman to a small room that worked like a bathroom. Saiyaman got into the chamber and Rei started the machine. After a few minutes, Saiyaman came out at full strength.

Just like in a bathroom. Wait, what?

Rei led Saiyaman out of the room and back into the hallway. She then proceeded to go down three levels in an elevator and turned into a room full of computers. Saiyaman turned off his cloak and sat at the big computer whose back was facing the door.

And was immediately noticed by the security cameras.

"Rei Ayanami, I need you to watch the door. If it's not Shinji or Asuka, don't let them in," demanded Saiyaman as he began to hack the computer.

Saiyaman: “What? The password isn’t “password”? I give up.”

Safter a few minutes of getting past security systems, Saiyaman finally found a folder that was suspicious.

It was called “DEFINITELY NOT A HUGE COLLECTION OF FUTANARI PORN”.

As he clicked on the folder, he heard a sound coming from the door. He tensed up a little bit, but Rei's voice calmed him down.

"It is Shinji," said Rei.

"What are you doing here, Rei? I thought you were…" muttered Shinji as he turned and saw Saiyaman looking at some files on the computer.

Shinji: “Woah, I had no idea you were into futa, Saiyaman. I don’t mind though, it’s cool. We all have our fetishes. Mine is unconscious girls.”

Saiyaman jumped in his chair.

"Oh no…" groaned Saiyaman.

"Oh no what?" asked Shinji.

"Gendo Ikari is planning to enslave the world.

Of course!

His plan starts out by eliminating any political threats to his rule. Then he has some scheme that will eliminate The Angels, Evangelions, and the Evangelion pilots die at the same time. Then he will enslave humanity for the sake of unity."

"He's planning on killing all of us?" squealed Shinji. Saiyaman put a hand on the shoulder of Shinji and Rei.

Saiyaman: “Yeah, it was all in this here text file that was absolutely not planted by me.”

"I won't let this plan of his come to roost. For now, you two need to go to whatever business you need to attend to.

They’re probably going to go slash their wrists.

Cuz they’re emo.

Cuz Evangelion is full of emo stuff.

Cuz Evangelion sucks.

Am I cool now?

I'll meet with you guys later when I have a better plan."

Saiyaman turned on his cloaking device and floated his way through the base in a hurry. He eventually reached the top of the base and flew off into the distance. Unfortunately, one of the NERV security cameras picked him up as his cloaking device was turned off…

WHAT’D I TELL YOU?

...

Deep in NERV, Gendo Ikari was looking at the Camera that had picked up Saiyaman. He stroked his chin as he calculated a plan.

"Ginyu!" he screamed. A mutated human approached from the shadows.

"Yes, Master?"

That’s not Link, Ginyu. It’s Gendo.

"Saiyaman just left our base. If you hurry, you can catch him and kill him."

"Leave it to me," said Ginyu as he ran out of the room…

Ginyu: “But first I must dance the dance of ‘Going to Kill a Mary Sue’.”

---

So to recap: Saiyaman teaches us that the way to a girl's heart is to tell people to fuck off when they imply that you may be romantically involved and then reveals that he stole the Spy's Invisibility Watch.

Time for a new chapter of Saiyaman 2, everyponybody. In this chapter Saiyaman battles Ginyu (No, another Ginyu). Will he be successful and is Gendo truly the Big Bad or is there something else pulling the strings? Find out below!

---

Chapter 8

Saiyaman was flying peacefully through the city when he sensed a large power level approaching him.

The power level far exceeded Saiyaman’s, so it must have been around 15.

Saiyaman turned just in time to dodge a sneak attack from his assailant. The two warriors found themselves in a wrestling match.

When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Saiyaman’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

Christ, I bet no one’s going to get that reference.

Saiyaman found himself staring in the eyes of the most ugly man he had ever seen.

*GASP* It’s Mirror Man!

"You're a lot stronger then I originally suspected, Saiyaman," growled Ginyu full of venom and hate.

"That's because you're the ugliest son of a gun in the universe," growled Saiyaman.

"OUCH! What a comeback by the man in black!"

Ginyu: “I mean the way your comeback had absolutely nothing to do with what I said just makes it so devastating.”

"I don't need a comeback to beat you, whoever you are."

I don’t think comebacks really have any effect on combat ability, Saiyaman, but whatever.

"I'm Ginyu, and You'll never have a chance to come back," growled Ginyu as he threw Saiyaman off of him. Saiyaman charged forward and knocked Ginyu to a building top. He then sent Ginyu crashing through a door. Rolling into the room. Saiyaman couldn't see his enemy. He walked through a door as Ginyu hung overhead. He pulled out a gun from his pocket.

I’m not even going to try to map out the sequence of locations in that paragraph.

This fear gas should be able to render Saiyaman into a cowering idiot. Then he will be mine thought Ginyu as Saiyaman was about to leave. Ginyu dropped down and hit Saiyaman with the gas. Saiyaman thought the gas was just a diversion, until the images came rushing back…

; the images were too much for Saiyaman's mind to handle. His screams were piercing as Ginyu approached.

"You take yourself too seriously, Saiyaman," said Ginyu as he threw his punch.

This man speaks the truth.

Saiyaman grabbed the fist as his eyes rolled back. His aurora got really big and his hair stood up on end. The weather began to change as glass all around them shattered. Saiyaman threw Ginyu off of him and began to scream like a madman.

He was already beaten! How can this be? Thought Ginyu as Saiyaman rushed forward and landed a brutal assault on Ginyu.

Who’da thunk scaring a guy with super powers might cause him to beat you up?

After several punches and kicks, Saiyaman sent Ginyu through a wall with an energy blast. As Saiyaman was about to follow him, he saw the blood on the wall. Saiyaman began to go even crazier as he powered up and went flying like a cannonball through the city. Saiyaman came crashing into a park and was trying to get up without success. Saiyaman, with whatever sanity he had left, turned on his wrist phone an screamed into it as he lay in a shaking state:

"FREDRICK! FREDRICK! I NEED YOUR HELP! AT THE PARK…!" screamed Saiyaman as his power started to drop…

Fredrick: “What’s that sound? Must be more telemarketers. Those fuckers always call at dinner time.”

…

Rei had just opened the gate to the mansion when a limo came storming through the driveway. Fredrick leapt out of the car and opened up the back seat. Rei came up and noticed that Fredrick was holding someone dressed like Saiyaman, except that the hair was black…

Fredrick: “I found this Saiyaman cosplayer walking down the street and killed the poor sap. Help me bury him.”

"What happened to him?" asked Rei in a fearful voice.

"I don't know, Ayanami. He asked me to pick him up at the park. When I found him he was just laying there shaking. I gave him a seditive, but he needs professional help. Help me get him into his bed, and then I'll get the best scientific minds and doctors available,"

I’m sure they have nothing better to do.

said Fredrick as Rei grabbed Saiyaman's feet. After they had set him down and stripped him of his suit and mask, Rei was positive: Gohan Jr. was Saiyaman. She always had a feeling that Gohan Jr. was hiding something. She would ask him about his secret when he woke up. If he woke up…

If…

If is good.

One hour later. All the people that Fredrick had mentioned showed up and began testing Gohan Jr.

TOP………. MEN.

It turned out that Gohan Jr. had been exposed to a fear drug and it was slowly causing his mind to unravel. The drug was composed of chemicals that they had never seen before. Creating a cure would be impossible. Gohan Jr. was eventually going to die, most likely.

Wait, so if the drug is 99.9% fatal with no cure, then why did Ginyu try to punch him? Why not just keep a safe distance and let the drug run its course? If he kept watch on Saiyaman he could have just punched out Fredrick and then he would have gotten no medical attention, guaranteeing his death.

As all of the scientists went away, Rei began to sob on the sofa.

Why does this happen to me, God? Why do I lose everyone I get close to? Is this my destiny? If you save Gohan Jr. from death, I'll serve you for the rest of my life thought Rei as she picked up the bible that Gohan Jr. had given her…

God: “Sorry. No can do. I’m all full up on servants right now. Maybe you should talk to Slaanesh. I hear he’s not real satisfied with his current followers.”

In Gohan Jr.'s dream, he was in a ruined city, but nobody was there. As Gohan Jr. walked through he could see all of the lights dead corpses and blood that covered the ground. In the middle of the city, Gendo stood in front of a large portal.

Now he’s thinking with portals.

As Gohan got closer, he went Super Saiyan, expecting Gendo to attack. However, Gendo's image began to evaporate as the portal activated. A legion of evil spawned out of the portal. Flaming skulls and creatures with multiple sets of eyes came pouring out, along with bigger monsters. As they came out, the planet began to transform into Hell. As Gohan began to power up, the creatures began tearing at his body…

As Rei lay asleep on the couch, all was silent. Suddenly, Gohan Jr. began to scream and toss in his bed. Rei woke up to Gohan Jr. transforming into a super saiyan. He began to shake very violently as his screams intensified. Rei laid a soft hand on him, and Gohan Jr. began to calm down. Rei went back to bed…

…..

As the days went on, Rei would go to school, but have tremendous difficulty concentrating due to her worry for Gohan Jr. She was beginning to fall for him.

Fearing someone’s imminent death = falling in love. Okay, got it.

She collected all of his missing homework and left them on Gohan's desk. It was on the sixth day at 3:45 that something happened…

Someone stole the AM/PM indicators on all the clocks, making it impossible to tell what time of day it was.

Rei opened Gohan's bedroom door and found his bed emptied. She gasped, but then turned and saw Gohan Jr. staring out the window. He turned and faced her, his face filled with sorrow.

Good call. We can’t have these characters showing emotion or anything that might make them endearing to the audience.

"In my dreams, I had a horrible vision that may come true."

"What vision?'

"Gendo's just the tip of the iceberg. I think he may be working for an evil even greater than him. I need to find him before it's too late. Only one man can do this…"

Rei: “But where could we possibly find Saxton Hale at this hour?”

Gohan: “He’s probably out strangling a mountain lion for breakfast… or lunch depending on what time of day it is.”

said Gohan Jr. as he ran for the elevator in his closet. He walked into his lair and donned his armor and mask as he transformed into his super saiyan form. Rei came through the stairway.

Ah geez, Rei. Did you really have to do that all over the stairs? They just cleaned it yesterday.

"Please come back alive," said Rei with a plea.

"I will," said Saiyaman as he flew up the long, hard shaft and into the night. He landed on the roof of his mansion as he tried to sense Gendo's energy. He managed to pick up Ginyu's after a few moments.

Eh, close enough.

He followed the signal straight to Rei's old apartment. He snuck to the edge of the building and looked at Rei's balcony. There was a henchman there talking into a com. Saiyaman listened.

"No, sir. Rei's not in her apartment."

"We have to find that damn doll soon," came the response of Ginyu.

Henchman: “Doll? I thought I was looking for Rei? Oh, I get it. When you said doll you were referring to Rei. It was like… an insult or something. Gotcha.”

Saiyaman waited for the guard to turn off the device and then swooped down and knocked the guard off of the balcony. There was a sick thud as Saiyaman walked into the building.

Aw man. And it was his last day before retirement, too.

This was Rei's apartment? Makes my weapons room look clean thought Saiyaman as he slid underneath the bed just as two more guards entered the room.

Okay, what is up with these villains hiring guards to do things other than guard?

As the two guards walked past the bed, Saiyaman snuck behind them and went out the door into the hallway. He clinged to a ceiling pipe as the guards came out the door. Saiyaman crept through a vent and crawled down the ventilation shaft. Saiyaman peeked out the next vent and saw Ginyu talking to a screen on a desk. Saiyaman got very interested when he heard the conversation.

He was also confused because he had no idea how a bug screen could talk.

"I don't know where he is, sir."

"I don't want excuses. I want him dead," said a voice that Saiyaman recognized from Ghohan Jr.'s nightmares.

As soon as Ginyu cut his communications, Saiyaman crashed through the roof and landed on the desk.

"Hello Ginyu. You really need to get better security," said Saiyaman as he kicked Ginyu in the face. Ginyu grabbed a leg and tossed Saiyamanwatched the time go / right out the window. Saiyaman got up in a small field and realized that henchmen surrounded him with heavy weapons. Saiyaman leapt aside as a rocket whizzed by his head and fired an energy blast that took out the minion. He then ran along the building wall, outrunning the bullets that were chasing him. Saiyaman then attacked all of the minions and killed them all.

Wait, what?! One fucking sentence and they’re already dead?! Oh yeah, now I’m really on the edge of my seat.

Saiyaman turned to face the newly arrived Ginyu. Ginyu took off his wristbands and boots, and his energy signal spiked dramatically.

He's stronger than me! How am I going to beat him? Though Saiyaman in worry.

"I was holding back last time because I thought I could toy with you.

Then how come you didn’t take them off when he was kicking your ass last time, dumbass?

That is not the case. I will have to finish you right now," said Ginyu as he took off at Saiyaman. His movements were too fast to be tracked as he landed fists and feet to Saiyaman. Saiyaman wass tossed against a wall and then planted right in the ground by a smash from Ginyu. Saiyaman got up to reveal a trickle of blood coming from his mouth. Saiyamans rage was begging to take over, and Saiyaman couldn't control it. Ginyu grabbed our hero by the shoulder and began to taunt him.

I thought you said you realized you couldn’t toy with him and that you should just kill him. I guess you just can’t resist the opportunity to be an idiot.

"You are helpless, Saiyaman. You could have at least put up a bigger fight than this," said Ginyu as he punched Saiyaman in the face. Saiyaman let loose a cry.

"GINYU!"

Ginyu: “Ow! No need to shout, dude. I’m right here.”

"Yeah?"

"You're talking to the old Saiyaman."

"What?"

”You’re talking to the old Saiyaman.”

“What?”

“You’re talking to the old Saiyaman.”

“What?”

“Dammit, never mind.”

“What?”

Saiyaman looked up as electricity overtook his body and his golden aurora returned. Ginyu was thrown off and watched in horror as Saiyaman began his ascension to the next level. His hair went straight up, except for a single large strand. His scream was loud and powerful as his energy leveled the building.

Killing any innocent people inside.

Saiyaman looked Ginyu straight in the eye.

"You lose! Good DAY, Ginyu."

"You can't possibly beat me! I'm still holding back power!"

"You're bluffing. We both know that I'm going to destroy you."

It turns out he wasn’t bluffing, and Ginyu promptly beat Saiyaman to a bloody pulp. The end.

Saiyaman leapt forward with newfound speed and smashed Ginyu with both hands, knocking his teeth out. Sayiaman kicked Ginyu in the air and smashed Ginyu into the powerhouse that supplied power to the whole apartment complex. Ginyu's body was barbecued into a crisp. Saiyaman looked at his hands and smiled to himself.

Saiyaman: “Durr hurr, murder is fun!”

"So this is Super Saiyan 2," he chuckled as he flew off into the night and back to his apartment. After changing back to normal and saying good night to Fredrick, Gohan Jr. went up to his room and turned in for the night….

---

So to recap: Gohan Jr.’s life is saved when Rei sells her soul to Slaanesh and Saiyaman kills a retard.

Even though Saiyaman was on patrol all night every night, he never saw a sign of Gendo Ikari's handy work.

Saiyaman is searching vigilantly for a hand turkey drawing that Gendo made when he was four.

It was on one fateful night that Saiyaman was flying by the mall that he noticed NERV helicopters flying around the area.

Gendo: “I want Sbarro’s and I want it now!”

Saiyaman dropped to the ground and hid in an alley.

I'll bet twenty bucks that those copters are looking for me thought Saiyaman as he observed the spotlight patterns.

Well with no DJ Croft in this universe the world has to revolve around you.

Once he recognized the pattern, Saiyaman turned on his cloaking device and raced to the front of the mall. He noticed a giant tent in front of the mall. Saiyaman snuck under a tent flap and noticed a large super-computer in front of him.

GLaDOS makes her cameo.

He turned off his cloaking device and peeked around the computer. Misato was briefing Asuka and Shinji.

"Why do we have to be the ones to lure Saiyaman into the trap?" squealed Shinji like he always did.

(i.e. he was masturbating furiously)

"It's because he will always respond to the cries of people in trouble. Of course, when he finds you, you give the signal, and we'll capture Saiyaman as quietly as we can."

Misato: “Subtlety is our main priority here, after all. That’s why we brought out all our helicopters and set up a super-computer in a tent at the front of the mall.”

Planning to ambush me, eh? We'll see about that! Thought Saiyaman as Shinji and Asuka exited the room. He peeked around the corner and saw Misato's backside. Saiyaman crept up behind her and slipped a hand over Misato's mouth and the other shoved her on a table.

Surprise buttsex!

Saiyaman mounted himself on her

STOP STOP I WAS JUST KIDDING

to keep her from running and got right in her face with an angry expression.

"I'm going to ask you some simple questions. If you do not answer me truthfully or at all, I swear to God that I'm going to kill you.

Now I know what it means to be a true Christian. Thanks, Saiyaman!

First question: WHERE ARE THEY?! Who ordered you to make this assault?"

"Commander Ikari did."

"Next question: WHERE ARE THEY?!! What made you believe that you had any possible chance at success?"

"We had direct orders. We couldn't refuse."

"You are oblivious to the truth!"

"The truth?"

Saiyaman: “That Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just as good as regular Dr. Pepper!”

Misato: “But Dr. Pepper tastes terrible!”

Saiyaman: “Oh right.”

"What if I told you that Gendo Ikari himself killed my father, the previous Saiyaman, in order to eliminate the threat to his plan to take over the world?"

"How do you know all this?"

"I have my ways."

Yahoo Answers

"I over heard your little conversation with the two pilots. I'll pay them a little visit," said Saiyaman as he reached for his cloaking device.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"I think you should know that I met your father."

"How so?"

"We had an affair," said Misato as she began to break down and cry.

Not the best thing to tell a guy who just threatened to murder your pilots.

"I'm so sorry," said Saiyaman

Saiyaman: “From what my mother said, he was worse in bed than Littlepip. Sorry you had to endure that.

as he turned on his cloaking device and walked out of the tent and began his search for Shinji and Asuka. They weren't in the mall, so Saiyaman started running down the streets. He found them in front of a department store a couple blocks away. Saiyaman raced by and ducked into an alley. He turned off the device. He grabbed the two kids as they walked by and slammed them against the wall.

"DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOING TO PULL A FAST ONE ON ME?" raged Saiyaman.

Saiyaman: “Oh, it seems I accidentally cracked your skulls on the wall. Shit, this will take forever to clean.”

"What are you talking abo…" began Asuka.

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, GIRL! I KNOW THAT YOU TWO WERE ABOUT TO LEAD ME INTO AN AMBUSH! I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE FIGHTING ON THE WRONG SIDE!"

"What do you mean, 'the wrong side'?" asked Shinji.

They seem to be taking a crazy man shouting in their face quite well.

"Your father is planning a takeover of the world, and I need the two of you to help me stop him."

"What can we do to help?"

"You can meet with Rei and I at Gohan Jr's mansion at 9:40 AM tomorrow morning. Don't even bother going to school."

Saiyaman: “Oh and don’t get suspicious when Gohan Jr. and I regularly take turns to go to the bathroom. That’s totally normal.”

"What are we going to do, oh great master?" asked Asuka.

"We're going to go into NERV and take down Gendo Ikari."

"Count us in!" said the two pilots simultaneously.

These guys didn’t even know they were on the wrong side a minute ago. Now they want to kill Gendo.

Sounds logical.

"Good," said Saiyaman as he raced out of the ally and flew towards the helicopters. He blasted all of them out of the sky and blasted all of their equipment. He took a look over the carnage he had created and pointed a finger at them.

"AND TO THINK I WAS GOING TO SELL WEAPONS TO YOU GUYS. YOU'RE A BUNCH OF WIMPS!" yelled Saiyaman as he flew off towards home…

Well maybe if they had some better weapons…

Also, Saiyaman is taunting dead people. Classy.

….

Gohan Jr. was just hanging up his suit when Rei approached him in her swimsuit. Gohan couldn't stop staring back at her eyes.

Rei: “Um, hello? My breasts are down here.”

Gohan Jr: “Your what?”

"I want to know if you want to take a swim with me, Gohan Jr. I want to talk with you."

"Sure," muttered Gohan as he left the room and went into a locker room to change into the appropriate swimwear.

His cardboard Gundam cosplay.

As he was entering the swim chamber, he saw Rei come in from the other side. He gave her a wave and a smile, the traditional Son family smile.

"Do you want to talk in the hot tub or the pool?" asked Gohan Jr.

"Hot tub," was Rei's response.

Rei: “I greatly enjoy putting my anus over one of the water jets.”

Gohan Jr: “What?”

Rei: “I said ‘Let’s talk about Jesus’.”

Gohan Jr. and Rei took seats in the tub and looked at each other, waiting for someone to start talking. Gohan Jr. noticed a look of sorrow on Rei's face.

"What's wrong, Rei?" asked a concerned Gohan Jr.

"I feel aweful because I've been keeping a secret from you."

That she never learned how to spell “awful”.

"And you want to clear it up, just in case I don't survive Gendo. I understand. Tell me what it is."

Rei: “I’m actually not attracted to you at all. Sorry, but you’re just not related enough for me.”

"I'm not completely human. I'm half-angel and half-human to be exact. Also, I'm the second clone of the real Rei Ayanami. I was originally intended to be an instrument to a weapon that would destroy the Earth."

Gohan Jr. had a look of horror and shock on his face.

Gohan Jr: “Someone PEED IN THIS HOT TUB!!”

"I hope you can forgive me."

What would Jesus do? Gohan Jr. asked himself.

Jesus: “Burn everything, Gohan. Burn it to the ground.”

"This info is…interesting, Rei. Nevertheless, I still think you're a neat girl and a powerful ally. I also sense that you have another question to ask me."

Is he a Jedi too or something?

"I've read the bible you gave me…"

"Yeah."

Rei: “I've started writing slash fanfiction about it.”

"…And I want to become a Christian…"

"Go on."

"But if I'm a clone, and I have no soul, how can I become a Christian?"

Take someone else's.

"I don't quite know the answer to that, but I'm pretty sure that you have a soul. Otherwise, you'd be a lot more boring."

CopperCab: “BORING PEOPLE DO HAVE SOULS!”

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," said Gohan as he felt his Saiyan urges telling him to kiss her. Her face seemed to be waiting for one.

However, Gohan Jr. knew that a kiss went along with a life-long commitment to the recipient, according to God.

Leviticus 10:25 “If thou wanteth it, thou must puteth a ring on it.”

He turned his head away. Rei put her head down as Gohan Jr. tried to think of another question.

"I would have kissed you, but I would have been dishonoring you if I did it now. Anyways, I need to rest for the battle tomorrow," he said as he got out of the hot tub and headed for the elevator…

That wasn't a question, Gohan. You really need to hurry up an learn this social stuff.

…

It was 9:38 AM. Gohan Jr. was waiting for Shniji and Asuka. He was wearing his Saiyaman suit, save for the mask. He was also still in his normal form. Rei was sitting next to him in silence.

Only took a couple of slaps for Gohan Jr to teach Rei her place.

A limo pulled up, Asuka and Shinji getting out. As it pulled out, Asuka already had a weird look on her face.

"What? But you're a nerd! A nerd couldn't possibly be as heroic as Saiyaman!"

Asuka: “Next you'll be telling me that Clark Kent is Superman!”

"I didn't kno…" started Shinji when the heard the marching of a small force of NERV troops pull up in front of the house. The lead man pulled forward.

"Gohan Jr., you're under arrest for being a Gary Stuvigilante, for attacking NERV officers, and for killing NERV officers. You're coming with us."

"How did you find us?" asked Gohan Jr.

"When you screamed your little comments at us last night, Major Misato put two and two together and figured out your little identity. Now you're going to prison for your treachery."

DERP REAL SMART, SAIYAMAN

"NERV means nothing to me. I follow the laws of the Maker," said Saiyaman as he turned into his Super Saiyan form and put on his mask. He got into a fighting stance and was about to take them on when Asuka interrupted him.

"Gohan Jr.?"

"What Asuka," responded Saiyaman.

Asuka: “So are you really Saiyaman?”

"Why is the sky blood-red?"

An Oblivion gate must be nearby.

Saiyaman noticed the blood-red sky and could feel the increase in temperature in the environment.

It's global warming! Al Gore was right all along!

He saw evil skull spirits enter the NERV officers and watched in horror as they all became zombified.

And then the NERV officers was a zombie.

He also saw a brown creatue with many eyes burst through his fence.

"EVERYONE, GET INSIDE NOW! FREDRICK, START THE SECURITY MEASURES!" screamed Saiyaman as he blasted off the heads of all the zombies and engaged the imp.

Imp? Oh, when I heard “brown creature” I just assumed George Lopez. My mistake.

He punched its head off and then raced through the walls that were forming around the mansion. Inside, Saiyaman activated the turret defenses and sent Fredrick, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei to the weapons room. After hushing everyone, Saiyaman addressed the situation:

"Not very long ago, I was having nightmares about this very thing. Now that it's happening, I'm positive: The monster that we saw is one of the creatures of hell, Demons if you will. It appears that Gendo's goal was to help the forces of Hell invade the Earth.

Well if Salvation War was any indication they need all the help they can get.

We need to act quick if we are to stop this thing from happening. Our only hope is to infiltrate NERV, and find Commander Gendo Ikari. He's the only one who can stop this invasion, before I kill him of course. The reason that I called you over is to go over all of my weapons. We need everything at our disposal to win."

Saiyaman: “That's right, even the Silly String.”

"What if We can't defeat my father?" asked Shinji.'

"Then we all die."

Yeah, but will anything bad happen?

"What if your weapons can't hurt the demons?" asked a fearful Asuka.

Asuka: “And are you really Saiyaman?”

"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course the weapons will KILL them. I invented them…!"

Saiyaman: “And to prove it, I'll shoot one right now. Open a window.”

*BANG*

Demon: “Hey that tickled!”

Saiyaman: “...Okay. That does it. I didn't think it would have to come to this, but I have no other choice.

Bring out the Pinkie Pie Launcher.”

---

So to recap: Saiyaman rapes Misato, but doesn't kiss Rei because of the “committment”. Later, demons.

So after ten boring chapters, the promised Doom crossover has begun. If we're lucky this might make things exciting.

We're never lucky.

---

Chapter 10

Saiyaman spent the next couple of minutes arming everyone with a single-pump shotgun, machine gun, and grenades.

Almost everyone, anyway. Those things were way too heavy for Shinji, so he wielded the Silly String.

He needed both hands, of course.

After supplying them with enough ammo to last a lifetime,

Considering how short their lives appeared under the present circumstances, it wasn’t much ammo.

Saiyaman walked over to the table with the top-secret crate on it. After picking up a double-barreled shotgun, he cracked open the crate, revealing a giant gun.

Saiyaman: “My penis may be small, but this large weapon will easily compensate for it.”

"Oh boy…"started Shinji.

"It's the prototype for a new weapon I'm making. It's called the BFG 9000.

Alternate name for the Pinkie Pie Launcher.

It's got more power than you could believe. Now let's go!"

Saiyaman, after grabbing plenty of shells and ammo for his BFG, lead the group out of the mansion to the outskirts of town before they encountered a group of ten imps. Shinji and Rei took out eight of them with their shotguns before Saiyaman blasted the other two with his super-shotgun. Sticking to Main Street, the group stayed out in the open and was able to draw out imps and zombies alike.

Ah, the old strategy of running in a straight line, firing wildly while enemies mindlessly dive into your line of sight. Gets ‘em every time.

Once they hit the center of town, about 12 floating creatures approached them from the sky.

"Cacodemons," muttered Saiyaman

Good thing Saiyaman’s nightmares were courteous enough to spell out the names of each demon type for him.

as he pulled out his BFG and launched 3 blasts at the clustered group of demons. The Cacodemons were blown away.

Shinji: “Hey, how come the guy with super-powers gets to have the better weapons?”

Rei: “Shut up, Shinji.”

After a few more blocks, Saiyaman's party arrived at NERV. The NERV complex looked very eerie and evil with hell's sky in the background.

"Rei, since you know this place well, you should lead on," said Saiyaman as he looked at her. Her eyes were wide. Saiyaman put a hand on her shoulder: "Rei, we're here for you. We have your back."

I’d make a butt sex joke, but he might actually carry it out if I did.

Rei led the group through the dark hallways of NERV and found that some kind of growth was overtaking the base. All kinds of Demons attacked from the shadows, but the group was very strong and defeated their opponents.

EDGE OF MY SEAT!

They eventually found themselves in the main security control room. Saiyaman made sure the room was safe, and then decided to have the doors locked for the moment.

"I need you guys to stay here and fortify this position. We cannot afford to lose this point. Nobody gets in without my permission.

I’m sure they’ll be racing to get your opinion when otherworldly abominations are politely asking to enter.

Now, I'm going for Ikari, and I need to do it alone. I'm the only person who can take him on. Where you guys can help is that I don't know where he is. You can radio me directions," explained Saiyaman with the intensity of a commanding officer.

"I remember now," said Rei suddenly.

""What do you remember, Rei?" asked Saiyaman.

Rei: “What I had for breakfast this morning: a Pillsbury Toaster Strudel.”

"In Central Dogma, where all my clones are located, was a big ring-shaped thing. I once asked the commander about it, but I never got an answer. It's on one of these security cameras, and it appears to be…"

The world’s largest donut!

"I GOT IT! It's the portal that got all of these demons to this world. That's where I'll find Gendo," said Saiyaman as he stepped for the door out. Once out of the door, Saiyaman tested his radio signal as he pulled out his super-shotgun.

"Can you hear me?" asked Shinji from Saiyaman's earpiece.

"Loud and clear," growled Saiyaman.

"Listen up! Your first move is to turn right and follow the sign to the administration office."

Shinji: “Or you could just blast through the walls with your fucking super powers and fly straight there instead of wasting our time indulging in your fantasy of playing Doom in real life. Just a thought.”

Saiyaman held his weapon in a ready position and followed the sign all the way down the hall to the administration office. As he opened the door, he ran into a couple of NERV employees that had become zombies. Saiyaman killed them both in one blast, and then moved through the office. A couple of Imps jumped from the cubicles, but Saiyaman made short work of them. He blasted the first Imp, and then danced away from the second one as he reloaded.

Dance!Nothing for him to do but dance!Off these bad times he’s going through just dance!Got canned heat in his heels tonight baby!

He then killed it with a blast to the face. Sayiaman exited the administration office.

"You now want to go out the west door and down the first hallway on the left. Once there, go through the door marked EVA CHAMBER," said Shinji.

Shinji: “That will lead you to the EVA CHAMBER.”

Saiyaman cautiously made his way down to the hallway, and then chacked to see if anything was going to jump at him. Once nothing emerged, Saiyaman turned the corner and had an Imp drop in on him.

Yes, he is putting jump scares in a fanfiction. Don’t ask me how that’s supposed to work.

Saiyaman blasted it in the face and moved on. At the end of the hallway was the door that Saiyaman desired. He opened the door, only to find a pinky demon waiting for him.

This one will definitely be a threat and not a pushover like all the other ones.

The beast charged at him. Saiyaman blasted it head on, but the demon didn't die. Saiyaman ran backwards as he reloaded and then front-flipped over the pinky while shooting at its backside.

Always have to go for the behind, don’t you Saiyaman?

The demon dropped dead and Saiyaman advanced through the door it had come through. Saiyaman noticed all three of the Evangelions that he had encountered earlier.

Perhaps that is because you’re in the EVA CHAMBER.

He also noted the mysterious growth that was all over them.

Psychostorm just has to put genitals on everything in Evangelion, doesn’t he?

"Shinji, if you had any plans about using the evangelions against the demons, forget about it. They're completely overtaken by the growth," whispered Saiyaman into his mic.

Saiyaman: “So yeah, you can pretty much kiss your chance of being an important character in this story goodbye.

"Darn! Anyways, go to the elevator at the end of the walkway and you will find an unmarked button. That leads to Central Dogma."

"Got it."

Saiyaman ran across the walkway and was about to reach the elevator when something dropped in front of him, something big. It was built like an Imp on steroids, probably a Hell Knight.

Just “probably”, huh? You’d better stop and look it up on Doom Wiki while the thing is trying to tear your heart out before you continue. You wouldn't want to be unsure.

Saiyaman blasted it with his shotgun, but the Hell knight didn't appear to feel it. It swiped at Saiyaman and knocked the gun out of his hands. Saiyaman dove and stopped the gun from falling off the walkway.

Saiyaman: “Must… save… inanimate… object!”

The Hell knight threw a plasma blast at Saiyaman, but our hero rolled away from the attack and pulled out his BFG. He fired and watched the demon crumble under his power. Saiyaman reloaded his BFG and went into the elevator. He pressed the unmarked button and waited for the door to open. The peaceful elevator music brought a smirk to Saiyaman's face.

That Double Rainbow song gets him every time.

When the door opened, Saiyaman was shocked…

…..

…..

…

…….

…..

..

…….

Saiyaman: “Wait, Gendo wears glasses?”

The portal that Rei had mentioned was right in front of him. Saiyaman found his way down to the large control panel that stood next to the portal. At that very moment, Gendo Ikari came out with three mancubi.

Three what?

Oh, Gainax fanboys.

Saiyaman remained hidden from their view and entered the password on the panel: DOOM.

WELL AREN’T YOU CLEVER?

The portal shut down.

""WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY DID THE PORTAL CLOSE OFF? TURN IT BACK ON!" Screamed Gendo. Saiyaman leapt from the shadows and fired at the mancubi with his BFG, killing all three. Gendo growled.

"It's you."

"Yes. It's me," responded Saiyaman in his darker voice.

"I thought that I killed you ten years ago."

Saiyaman. “I got better.”

"You destroyed the body, but you'll never destroy me. Saiyaman is an everlasting symbol."

"Why return when you know that I can't be defeated?"

"It's because I'm far more powerful than my father ever hoped to be."

Yeah, but he just said he can’t be defeated, so that doesn’t really matter.

"It's too bad, Gohan Jr. You could have stayed out of this, but you chose to die, just like your father," said Gendo as his body began to transform. He was sheding his human shell as his demonic form from Gohan Jr.'s nightmares came to be.

Saiyaman: "No! Not Justin Bieber!"

"So you're not even the real Gendo. You're just a really powerful demon."

Gendo: “No, Saiyaman. I am your father!”

"I'm one of the body guards of Satan. I can see that you're slightly stronger than your father, but I still won't have to try very hard to beat you," said Gendo in a demonic voice.

"I'll just have to take it to the next level," mutter Saiyaman as he tossed his weapons to the side. Saiyaman began to screamas his body was engulfed in a golden aurora and electricity.

Gendo proceeded to punch Saiyaman in the face while he was busy transforming.

His hair was completely on end with a thick strand on the right side of his forehead. The lightning and aurora slowed down to a steady pace as the transformation was complete. Gendo was floored by the transformation, but quickly took a stance as Saiyaman started to walk towards him…

A handstand.

---

So to recap: Saiyaman completely ignores his superpowers so he can play Doom. And then Gendo are the demons.

The wait is finally over and the climactic battle between Saiyaman and Gendo is about to begin!

Or rather it's a demon who impersonated Gendo, or maybe it's Gendo possessed by a demon, or perhaps Gendo was a demon all along?

Oh fuck it. On with the mock.

---

Author's note: I don't own DBZ, Evangelion, or Doom.

He must have gotten sued after leaving the disclaimer out of the last three chapters.

Chapter 11

Shinji and Asuka watched with a mixture of awe and horror as Sayiaman approached Gendo. From the view of the camera, Saiyaman looked almost as scary as Gendo.

They could see his plumber’s crack from that angle.

Rei merely watched with an emotionless facial expression, as the fight was about to begin…

As opposed to the whirlwind of emotions that her face carries when a fight isn’t about to begin.

Saiyaman charged and threw a punch at Gendo. Gendo blocked the punch with a red arm and retaliated with a red arm. Saiyaman blocked a kick with a red arm and entered a blaze with fists and feet flying with a red arm. It appeared that Gendo had some speed.

Gendo worked a drug-dealing ring on the side.

Saiyaman faked a punch and took Gendo's legs out with a swift kick. As he fell, Gendo tossed a fireball that Saiyaman barely dodged. Saiyaman gave chase and the two warriors exchanged several blows that didn't connect with one another, then Gendo got in a vicious blow that knocked Saiyaman back. Saiyaman recovered just in time to avoid a red arm tail smashing into the ground. Saiyaman fired several energy waves that left cuts all over Gendo.

Gendo was shocked that someone in the EVA universe would cut somebody other than themself.

Gendo charged forward, but was met by a fist in his gut. Saiyaman then grabbed Gendo and threw him through several walls. Saiyaman followed Gendo into a room that Saiyaman was not ready for.

It was a rec room that lacked a pool table!

This must be the main cloning center thought Saiyaman as he was staring at several Rei clones.

Then he noticed they were naked and became uninterested.

His attention shifted to Gendo getting out of the debris.

"I guess you're pretty strong, Gohan Jr.," smirked the evil demon.

"Gohan Jr. is nothing. I'm Saiyaman!"

Saiyaman: “Gohan Jr. can suck my dick!”

Saiyaman charged forward and grabbed Gendo by the foot, then turned and threw him through some more walls and into the main room with the portal. Gendo got up just in time to meet a flurry of fists in his face.

They met every Sunday for coffee.

Saiyaman man kept bringing the heat with his melee moves until Gendo had begun to bleed in a few places on his body.

The phrase “Saiyaman man kept bringing the heat with his melee moves” was so unbelievably stupid it caused some of Gendo's organs to combust.

Saiyaman then smashed Gendo with both hands into a wall of computers. Gendo got up with some damage showing, but no sign of slowing down.

In fact, he looks too relaxed.

Gendo likes to keep his computers in the sauna. It helps him work.

What's he waiting for?Pondered Saiyaman as Gendo began to laugh maniacally.

"What's so funny?" roared Saiyaman.

Gendo: “That... that voice you make when you try to sound intimidating! It sounds like Simba when he first tried to scare off those hyenas!”

"I'll give you credit, Gohan. You're far stronger than your father ever could have been. Unfortunately, I have to ruin your parade. I've been giving you a major handicap."

"What do you mean?"

"You're just like your father, not hiding your power at all. You've obviously been going all-out, while I've only been fighting at one percent of my power."

"LIAR!"

Gendo: "You're right. I am lying. I've really only been fighting at 0.5% of my power."

Saiyaman: "Fuck."

"Aw, don't be glum. I've never had to use so much of my power against a non-demon before. You should feel honored. I will beat you with 50 of my power," said Gendo with a smirk…

Fifty kilojoules, that is. He wouldn't want to overexert himself.

…

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei stared at the monitors that contained the fight.

"He's so awesome! There's no way my father can win!" screamed Shinji with a laugh in his voice.

Yeah, that mean ol' Gendo is no match for the Saiyaman!

"It looks like Gohan Jr. is actually going to pull it off," said Asuka.

"Not even close," said Rei.

"What do you mean?"

Rei: “Saiyaman sucks.”

"Judging from the body language on the screen, Gendo just told Gohan Jr. that he's been holding back a large majority of his power. Gohan Jr. has been going all out, but it's all for naught," explained Rei.

And by body language, she means that they were spelling out those exact words with their arms.

Shinji and Asuka turned back to the screen with looks of horror on their faces…

Rei had tabbed over to her favorite DBZ yaoi site while waiting for the fight to continue.

…

Saiyaman was horrified when he realized that Gendo wasn't bluffing.

A pair of kings; he just couldn't believe it.

He felt Gendo's power increase a lot. He began to back away as Gendo finished powering up.

"You're a weakling just like your father, Gohan Jr. You can't help anyone, not even yourself. You've failed the world and everyone you care about, even Rei."

Well that's no surprise. People fail Rei on a regular basis; especially Rei herself.

Saiyaman charged forward and threw an unsuccessful punch at Gendo. Gendo swiftly reacted by wrapping his tail around Saiyaman's neck and throwing a fist into Saiyaman's gut. Saiyaman slumped to the ground as Gendo let go of him.

So he could retrieve his fist.

Breathing heavily, Saiyaman struggled to get to his feet. Gendo smirked as Saiyaman struggled to stay afoot. Gendo then leapt forward and smashed Saiyaman through some walls.

Geez, you'd think they'd be out of walls at this point.

Saiyaman got up with blood trickling down his chin. Saiyaman then charged forward and tried unsuccessfully to land a series of blows. Gendo shifted slightly to avoid the moves, landed a solid right to Saiyaman's chin to get some space between them, and then he launched an energy blast that carried Saiyaman through the roof to the top of the NERV complex. Saiyaman got up missing some armor and bleeding in those spots, not to mention the sweat and dust covering him.

He absolutely did not feel like a man in those spots.

Saiyaman got up and wiped the sweat from his forehead just as Gendo came up through the hole. Saiyaman tried to smash Gendo, but Gendo fired an energy blast that sent Saiyaman flying off the complex and into the heart of the town, more specifically into a jewelry store.

That is why you should leave all the smashing to the Hulk.

Saiyaman got up with more missing armor and increased bleeding. Gendo landed a few yards in front of him. Saiyaman sat there with heavy breathing.

How can Gendo be so powerful and fast? I should at least be able to follow him!

He must have blocked your Twitter account.

"I guess you know now, Saiyaman. You never really had a chance! I just allowed you to think you did," taunted Gendo.

"No matter how much stronger than me you are, Gendo, I will defeat you and restore peace to the Earth!" raged Saiyaman as he got into a stance.

Saiyaman: “If I cannot defeat you with strength, then I shall use my vast intelligence to... oh shoot.”

Although I doubt I can do that now. I'm only at half strength. I would need a real miracle to pull this off.

Saiyaman charged forward and threw several blows at Gendo, but none of them connected.

Not even one! It's a miracle!

Gendo slammed Saiyaman to the ground and used him as a trampoline for a few minutes, creating a bigger crater with each bounce.

Screams of intense pain echoed through the city. Gendo then grabbed Saiyaman with his tail and threw him up in the air, firing several fireballs at him. Saiyaman was cut up by the attacks and dropped to the ground. Sayiaman just laid there as Gendo floated towards him and began to choke Saiyaman out. Saiyaman tried to pry the tail off of him, but was too weak. Saiyaman's struggles began to cease as he slipped into unconsciousness. Gendo tossed Saiyaman into the air and fired a fireball so large that it blew off Saiyamans armor sleeves and the bottom half of his leg coverings, including his boots.

Gendo sure is going through a lot of effort just to see Saiyaman naked.

Saiyaman fell from the sky and landed in the lake in the middle of the park that resided by the jewelry store and began to sink to the bottom...

Gendo had no more than turned to terrorize some innocent people when Rei, shinji, and Asuka arrived, firing their weapons at Gendo. The bullets bounced harmlessly to the ground as Gendo laughed at their pathetic attempts to kill him. He advanced for the kills…

….

Several kills later...

Saiyaman drifted in and out of conscience and found his mind in a moral struggle as he sank to the bottom of the lake.

He was debating whether or not he should pee in the lake.

You must allow your anger to take over! Let your rage consume you!

The flames of your rage will incinerate him!

You must be my Saiyan nature!

No, I'm just plain old insanity.

I know! Now listen! You've been holding back so much of your hidden potential because your afraid of your own anger. To defeat Gendo, you need to let the anger take over!

But the Saiyan nature doesn't line up with the biblical principles that God has outlined for our lives. I want to be right with God.

You can't be right with God if you're dead.

I'd gladly be a martyr for God any day.

So, what, are you saying it was God's plan for you to die? Is it a part of that same plan for all those other people to die, like Asuka and Sh-

...Actually, I really like the sound of this plan.

Okay, but you're the only one who can defeat Gendo, so you need to live. Let the rage consume you!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD, DAMN IT!

Saiyan hair is actually a parasite that digs into your skull and controls your brain. Trufax.

Saiyaman snapped back to reality as the images from his nightmares flooded back. The blood, the villan, Rei dying, his father dying…

Clinton's office...

Gendo was raising his hand to kill the pilots when he heard a noise coming from the lake. The water exploded into the air. Everyone turned to face the lake as they heard an incredible cry of rage. The scream died when the water did.

Raging Raven is here and she's going to kill everyone!

"IT"S GOHAN!" screamed Shinji in excitement as Saiyaman began to sceam again when he started to power-up. Golden aurora engulfed his body along with electricity. Saiyaman's facial expressions were becoming more defined and his build got a little bigger. His face was full of many strong emotions such as rage and pain.

And fear and sorrow and joy and why am I making all these Metal Gear references?

"I HATE YOU! YOU DESTROY LIVES LIKE A DISPENSABLE COMMODITY! YOU TREAT LIFE LIKE IT CAN JUST RECYCLE OVER AND OVER WITHOUT ANY WEAR OR DAMAGE!

Saiyaman: “THAT'S MY SCHTICK!”

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!" screamed Saiyaman as he flew with a vengeance and the purpose of wiping Gendo off the Earth. A knee to the head knocked Gendo back as Saiyaman powered up his ultimate attack.

"!" screamed Saiyaman in rage as Gendo was consumed by the attack, along with several buildings.

See? Now he's making the references for me.

Saiyaman fell to the ground back in his normal Super Saiyan 2 state, except that he had very little energy left. A few minutes passed and there was no sign of Gendo. Saiyaman looked around, and heard nothing except the faint sound of demons in the background. The citizens of the city that remained

i.e. The ones who weren't killed by Saiyaman's attack.

we staring at Saiyaman as he took a final look around. They started to cheer as he faced them and began to walk towards them. He was about to address the citizens when he was blindsided in the back by a fireball…

Oh Gendo! Ain't you a stinker?

---

So to recap: Saiyaman man kept bringing the heat with his melee moves, God wants Shinji to die, and RAAAAAAAAAAGE!

Last time we saw the intrepid Saiyaman, Neil Armstrong was still alive, Gangnam Style hadn't been released yet, and the first wave of the Arab Spring was winding down. Finally, it looked like Saiyaman had just defeated the evil Gendo, but then Gendo hit him with a surprise attack! Is this the end for Saiyaman?!

---

Chapter 12

Saiyaman landed on the ground, and then turned to face Gendo. He was beaten up a little from the attack, but nothing major.

Saiyaman: “Good thing I only need one kidney.”

"Did you really think that attack would hurt me? Then again, you're pretty desperate now," stated Gendo as he planted a kick in Saiyaman's face, destroying his mask in the process. As Gohan Jr. slumped to the ground, his body reverted to its normal form.

Now reverted to a normal teenager, his only remaining powers are complaining about school and sexting.

The citizens surrounding him gasped as he sat up on the ground, looking straight at Gendo as the evil demon looked down on him.

Gendo then turned and fired a small ball of fire at Asuka. She screamed as her body was devoured by the flame that engulfed her body.

In her final moments, Asuka gained a new understanding of that one Alicia Keys song.

Shinji and Rei had backed into a wall and were cowering. Gohan Jr., broken and battered, gritted his teeth trying to control his anger. Shinji suddenly pulled out his machine gun and loaded a clip.

Shinji: “Say hello to my little friend!”

He shoved Rei waway and unloaded on Gendo, to no effect.

Shinji: “Fuck. I knew I should have brought my big friend…”

As Gendo got closer, Shinji hesitated.

"Goodbye, son," whispered Gendo as he punched Shinji, killing him on contact.

Wow. Overkill, Gendo. Tapping him on the shoulder should have had the same effect.

"SHINJI!!" screamed Gohan Jr. as he felt his blood boil. Gendo then set his icy stare on Rei. Gohan Jr.'s control began to slip.

"You lived a good life, Rei Ayanami.

Gendo: ”Before you go, I hope you take the time to look back on all the wonderful memories you have. Like the time you spent staring into space for hours on end, getting molested, and awaiting the sweet release of death!”

Unfortunately, you are no longer a part of my plans. You are a tool that is no longer of use…"

Gohan Jr. snarled as he leapt towards Gendo…

Gohan Jr: “You can do whatever you want with Asuka and Shinji, but don’t you dare touch the only one who might have sex with me!”

"…And we all know that tools that are no longer of use need to be disposed of…" muttered Gendo as he lifted both hands.

This guy has contributed a disproportionate number of hammers and screwdrivers to the local landfill.

Suddenly, Gendo felt himself being thrown away.

Like a wrench.

He regained his balance and saw Gohan Jr. giving off his golden aurora in his normal form.

"REI!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!" yelled Gohan Jr. as he instantly transformed to Super Saiyan 2 and his eyes rolled back.

Gohan Jr: “NOT YOU THOUGH, GENDO!! JUST… STAY RIGHT THERE FOR A MINUTE!!”

He then fell to his hands and knees and began to tremble. His roars were of something not human or saiyan. His body began to give off massive electricity as it began to grow…

Reis stared and Gohan's transformation with wide eyes and a slightly parted mouth. She walked backwards as she continued to stare at Gohan.

She tripped over Shinji’s shattered corpse and fell face-first into Asuka’s ashes. So embarrassing.

Gohan…

Gohan Jr.'s screams were becoming cries of rage as his body began to get bigger. The area around him was beginning to change colors. His height had increased significantly and his muscles were 30 times their normal size.

Drastically limiting his ability to move.

His hair had grown out a little and had turned to shades of green. All of the wounds previous to the transformation were still there, but they would have no effect on his current state. With a great roar, Gohan Jr. finished powering up. He looked down at Gendo

Or at least as much as his tremendous neck muscles would allow.

, who was shaking in his place with a look of fear etched on his face.

"YOU MONSTER!" screamed Gendo.

"A monster? Funny you say that when you're the one from Hell!" exclaimed Gohan Jr. in an evil-sounding voice.

”UNLIKE ME! I’M JUST YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SAIYAMAN HERE TO FIGHT FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN FUCKING WAY!” Gohan Jr. shouted while giving a baby-punching grin and a Korean-murdering pose.

With a small hop, Gohan Jr. landed in front of Gendo and looked down on him. Rei took on the responsibility of retrieving Gohan's weapons from NERV before it was destroyed…

Not really concerned with evacuating all the civilians you just mentioned earlier, huh?

"What are you?" asked Gendo.

"I'm the beginning of your end. I'm the darkness of justice.

”Wait, wait. Let me try that again. I mean, ‘darkness of justice’? I must be really out of it tonight. Uh, I’m the hero of… vengeance. No, wait, I’m the night of the dawn. No… um... I got it! I’m the ‘justice of darkness’! Genius!”

I'm the Legendary Super Saiyan," muttered Gohan Jr. as he brought his elbow on top of Gendo's head and then kicked him like a football. He then flew over and delivered multiple punches and kicks.

The referee quickly threw up the penalty flag and called out Gohan Jr’s personal foul, costing him 15 yards.

Gendo couldn't stop any of them, and bled with every blow. Gohan Jr. then stepped back from Gendo and watched as Gendo sputtered up blood. His face went from a sneer to a more serious face.

Gendo shuttered from the mere thought that he was less than a play toy to this kid. "I'm going to count to ten, and if you don't start powering up by then, I'm going to kill you now!"

Gendo shook in place.

"1…"

Gendo blinked out sweat.

"2…3…4…5…"

Gendo: “I guess I could power up right now, but I think I’ll wait and see where he’s going with this…”

Gendo's eyes got really wide as Gohan jr. got into a stance.

"6…7…8…"

Gendo's face turned into a concentration of evil as his demonic scream carried throughout the world. His red aurora was huge. Gohan Jr. stood up tall. As Gendo's muscles began to perk up, Gohan Jr.'s interest did too.

But when a girl is around he can only look at her eyes. I think we can see where Gohan Jr’s interests really lie, here.

"I may have to try after all, Gendo. Congratulations."

We'll see who's left standing in the end, Super Saiyan," said Gendo as he finished powering up, "now you'll see what true power is!"

If you just charged up to your maximum power at the beginning, this whole thing would be over by now.

Gendo charged forward and landed a blow to Gohan's gut. He began to punch Gohan Jr. over and over. After being knocked back, Gohan jr. grinned.

Or you could do what I do, just step back for a while, take a break, then come back in a couple of years and everything will feel fresh again!

Gendo growled and smashed Gohan Jr. to the ground. He then began to launch several large energy blasts at Gohan Jr. for the next couple of minutes. After stopping, Gendo tried to assess the damage. When the smoke cleared, Gohan Jr. had lost all the armor on his upper body, but was otherwise fine.

"THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE SURVIVED THAT ATTACK!!" screamed Gendo. Gohan Jr. smirked.

It was then that Gendo noticed how painfully erect Gohan Jr’s nipples were and he reached a new level of fear.

"If that was your best shot, then prepare to die!" muttered Gohan jr. as he began to scream. His abnormally large muscles swelled up even more

Crushing all his internal organs.

and his energy tripled. He lowered himself into a familiar stance…

"KAAAAAA…!"

”IS MY FAVORITE JUNGLE BOOK CHARACTER!”

Gendo shook in absolute fear.

"MMMEEEEEE…!"

”IS MY FAVORITE PERSON!”

Gendo powered up his attack.

"HAAAAMMMEEEEEEE…!!"

”MY FAVORITE FOOD AND MY FAVORITE PERSON AGAIN!”

Gendo launches his attack.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" screams Gohan Jr.

”I JUST REMEMBERED A REALLY FUNNY BIT FROM BILL ENGVALL! THAT GUY IS HILARIOUS! HAAAAAA!!”

as he launches his Kamehameha wave that connected with Gendo's attack, thus launching an amazing energy struggle…

It was really amazing. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Gohan Jr. could feel his power surging through him into the blast. His mind had a single thought: destroy Gendo.

Gendo put more power into his attack, but he was getting weaker by the minute…

Gohan Jr. screamed as he put more power into his attack. His body was beginning to strain. He had to give Gendo credit: he was trying…

The Kamehameha was beginning to win. Gendo screamed in rage:

"I WON'T LET YOU BEAT ME!"

"YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE KILLED MY FATHER, GENDO! I WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD TO BECOME SAIYAMAN AND LIVE THE LIFE THAT I DO. IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I LIVE LIKT THIS!!"

Gohan Jr: “I’D PROBABLY BE HIS LAME SIDEKICK OR SOMETHING, SO YOU KINDA DID ME A HUGE FAVOR!!”

"THAT'S NICE TO KNOW, BUT I WILL STILL KILL YOU!"

"NOW YOU COME AND KILL TWO OF MY FRIENDS!! DO YOU REALLY THINK I'LL LET THAT STAND?! AND HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN KILLING YOUR OWN SON?"

Gendo: “JUST LOOK AT HIM! WHO WOULDN’T KILL THAT GUY?!”

"HE SERVED HIS PURPOSE!"

"NO! HE DIED BECAUSE YOU WERE A LOUSY FATHER WHO SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL! NOW I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO MEET SATAN!!"

Gohan Jr: “UNLIKE MY FATHER, WHO IS… WAIT HE’S IN HELL TOO. SHIT.”

Gohan Jr.'s attack became too powerful for Gendo to stop, and he was completely absorbed by the attack. Half the city was leveled. Fortunately, it was the half with the majority of the demons.

And a majority of the people, too. Go figure.

As the smoke cloud disappeared, Gohan Jr. was slightly happy. Gendo sat there staggering, bleeding heavily all over his body, and gasping for air. Gohan Jr. smirked at the scene as he was breathing heavily. He was tired, but not as much as Gendo.

"You won't be in a matter of moments," said Gohan Jr. as he flew up to Gendo and knocked him over, stomping him on the head. Gendo got up and threw several blows that bounced off Gohan's chest. Gohan Jr. brought his knee to Gendo's stomach, and then blasted Gendo against a large tree.

Holy shit how drawn out can this fight scene possibly be?

Gohan Jr. began to beat on Gendo as his mind gave way to his power. The constant blows left Gendo unable to defend himself. Gohan jr. then blasted him into a dying lump on the ground.

"I'm not supposed to die like this," muttered Gendo.

”I was supposed to be decapitated by Unit-01 or something, but, like, it’s not the real one, I think? Fuck if I know.”

"Evil never wins in the end, Gendo," muttered Gohan Jr. as the wind in the area picked up considerably.

"Hell will get revenge one day, Gohan Jr. That I can promise you," said Gendo with his last breath.

”There will be… Hell to pay!”

“Oh you did not just make that pun at me.”

"And Saiyaman will always be there to stop it."

Gendo was just a corpse now, and Gohan Jr. was stunned at his victory.

After winning every other fight who’d have thought that he would win another?

Suddenly, the images came in a rush: The blood, Gendo, his dad, everything. Gohan Jr. screamed his heart out until he heard a voice…

”Hey Charlie! I think I hear a little girl screaming over here! Don’t worry, miss, we’ll get you outta here in no time!”

---

So to recap: Saiyaman thought he had killed Gendo, but he survived! So he killed him again.