Re-establishing frienships?

I’ve been wondering lately about trying to reach out and re-establish a friendship that has fallen by the wayside. This is a friend I have known since highschool (over 10+ years at this point). We had a large group of friends during highschool. This friend was one of the first to get married in the group, at a young age, and her attitudes towards weddings and friendships ended up ruining some of the friendships. Many people felt slight because of her manners (or lack-thereof), and general selfishness. The group of friends split in two. I was the only one to remain friends with both sides, however remained closer to one side.

It’s been years since her wedding, and in the intervening years we have lost some closeness in our friendship. Part is due to geographical distance, and busy lives, and a general lack of similarity and interests. Part I’m sure is that I’m still friends with the rest of the group. And part is because I’ve realized I can’t be the only one to put effort into the relationship. She is typically very accomodating and friendly- but only when it serves her.

In the year leading up to my engagement we got together maybe 2-3 times. After my engagement I got one congratulatory facebook message and then nothing. And I was a bad person and didn’t reach out to her. I’ve realized over the years, that if she’s wants something, she’ll reach out to you. Otherwise, you always have to be the one to instigate hang-outs. So I didn’t. I was busy, I had closer friends, etc. And I think when one-two months of the engagement had passed, she probably realized I wouldn’t be asking her to be in my bridal party, and I’m sure she intentionally gave me the cold shoulder. Still- I could have reached out.

Long story short. I didn’t. We were married 1.5 years after our engagement, and I didn’t invite her. I was peeved that I had heard anything from her in that time.

After the wedding, her other friends, who used to be part of our highschool group, messaged congratulations- no hard feelings there. They are mature and realize weddings are intimate, and not everyone always gets an invitations. But this girl- I haven’t heard anything.

I feel incredibly guilty that a long time friendship has come to the end and worry that I am in the wrong. Should I reach out and try to reconnect? How long after the wedding should I wait? Or do I let it go? I am such a peacemaker that I hate relationships ending, especially when there is a such a long history behind them and the end seems unecessarily.

@FoolsintheRain: If you want her back in your life, quit with the “should she? should I?” questions. We’re not always able to play by those rules, and maybe both of you have been in the wrong at some point in your interactions over the past couple of years. Reach out.

You won’t lose anything by trying to reach out to her. If she doesn’t respond or seem interested be thankful that this happened so you know what kind of person she is. If she is a nice, caring person who values friendships you two should have no problem reconnecting.

@megz06:@allyouneedislove: Thanks for the tips. I think you’re both right. I should just initiate and see where it goes. But what do I say? Do I acknowledge that she wasn’t at my wedding right away? Maybe something like “I can’t believe we’ve lost touch so much that so many things have changed since we last talked! It’d would be great to catch up some time.” It’s only been a few weeks. Or do I just send a generic- “Hey, how are you, we should hang out?” message and pretend all is good.

Why do you want to get back in touch with her? I think that’s an important question to raise – it seems more like fondness and “we have a lot of history together,” instead of much substance. And from what you say in your opening post, it seems she has a habit of losing interest and fading if she feels there’s no more purpose to the whole thing. I get the feeling that you think of her (at least) as a little immature.

Sometimes, there is a better end to be had in letting a friendship fade out than blow out because you have grown in such vastly different ways.