just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

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The Sleep Deprivation Chronicle

On an average day, my brain can barely focus on one thing for longer than thirty seconds. The last week, though, has been a week devoid of sleep. No dozes, snoozes, naps, siestas, or slumbers. Just a small amount of sleep before I am awakened to start yet another lacking any and all types of sleep.

Because of this, my attention span has been lacking far more than usual. To prove it, these are actual thought I had today while attempting to do something productive:

-How did the word “hello” get shortened into the word “hi”? There is no “i” in hello. It seems like they just took a random vowel and added it to the letter “h”. We could very easily have ended up greeting people with a hardy “hu”. It really would make far more sense to shorten it to “he”, but that’s already a word and I’m fairly certain that greeting people like that would lead to a major feminist revolt.

-Sometimes when you lose an eyelash, people will pick it up and get very excited. They will hold it to your face and say “Look! An eyelash! Make a wish!” Then they expect you to blow that eyelash off of their finger. This, as far as I can think of, is the only situation in life where someone holds a piece of your face up to your face so that you will breathe on it.

Why is it there are multiple situations where you are supposed to get a wish for successfully blowing on something? It must be a real bummer to have poor lung capacity. The only chance you have for wishes would be finding a lamp with a genie in it and those seem pretty rare.

-I have heard a lot of people say that fashion is cyclical. This is true, I guess, because everyone is starting to dress like grunge kids again. How come, though, knickerbockers have never come back? I would love to have a pair of knickerbockers that I could wear to work. It would be like wearing shorts, but far dressier.

-In space, what would happen if an astronaut cried? Would the tears just float off of their face so you have little tiny teardroplets floating around the space station? There is no gravity, so they wouldn’t fall like normal. I bet it’s not a thing NASA has to worry about too much because I would imagine astronauts are not the most emotional group of people. That judgment, though, it solely based off of the movie “Apollo 13.” If they aren’t going to openly weep in that zero-gravity situation, I don’t think anyone ever will.

-People never say “Guess what!” then actually want you to guess. It never happens. If you try to guess, you usually get about five guesses in before they just go ahead and tell you the thing they had just minutes before commanded you to guess. It completely ruins the game.

Someday I’m going to walk up to someone and say “Guess what!” and then stand there and wait. I will not spoil the surprise like everyone else. They will have to continue guessing until they finally figure out what it is I want them to know. This will have to be a day where I have a lot of free time.

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11 thoughts on “The Sleep Deprivation Chronicle”

I suffer from a condition that affects most of my family (except the adopted or “married-in” members), Eyelid Baldness Syndrome and we have all been fitted with eyelid toupees. If anyone ever finds one of our shed eyelashes and blows on it only wishes involving synthetic or manufactured articles come true. This, of course, does not apply to my well-to-do relatives who can afford natural human eyelash toups—their wishes never-ever come true. We suspect that the kind people who selflessly donated their eyelashes to make the toupees are waking up with the cars and new love interests that my family’s upper crust has been wishing for for generations.

Well, it’s pretty pricey when you consider how little square footage they cover. You can barter the price down if you have something the facial toupmeister wants. My cousin Stavros got a set of eyelash toupees and a soul patch implant by donating the hairs from the middle section of his unibrow, so he also walked out of there with two generic homo sapiens eyebrows plus the warm feeling that the remaining uni-hair he gave helped out about another dozen people.

Hi- “It really would make far more sense to shorten it to “he”, but that’s already a word and I’m fairly certain that greeting people like that would lead to a major feminist revolt.” By this logic Ho would also be a problem. I’m loving your words. Must read more.