My mom was just recently married, for the second time, after many a toxic boyfriend that hurt our family; thus I was not entirely convinced that I should trust my new stepfather when I first met him.

They seem to have a happy relationship, which I am glad for, although I still am not entirely comfortable living with him from time to time. I think my mom deserves to be happy with someone, and I will not need to be here for an extended amount of time since I leave for college next year. However, my parents’ have been talking about a baby, which understandably, have left me with some very conflicted feelings.

Having been a stepchild in the past, I feel like the apparent lack of love I experienced from my first stepfather has warped my perception indefinitely. I ’m nothing short of jealous, regardless of the fact that I will be out on my own. Preparing to have such a young sibling I never grew up with is hard for me. And so, not being the number one girl anymore I feel like this new child will be loved more than I was, coming from a man my mother loves, who also didn’t leave. If they welcome a girl, and since I’m the only girl out of three current brothers.

While I’ve been shown a lot of affection, I worry that my dad wouldn’t talk to me if I weren’t my mom’s daughter and if I didn’t look and act so much like her. As much as I love my stepbrothers, I don’t want to experience being cared about less than them. I don’t want to have a repeat of that experience with a new brother or sister.

I’ve only just formed a relationship with my new father in the past couple months, and I feel like a baby will snatch that love away from me. Is that silly to think? His baby will have a connection with him and my mom that I don’t have, and that’s part of what has made me so distressed and upset.

I think because a father figure has not adequately loved me plays a big part in why I feel this way. Also, maybe exacerbated as a result of these thought patterns, I have been feeling for months now like my mom wants me out of the house. She’s said in the past that she’s ready to let me spread my wings and fly, to myself and other people, and that I will be fine. But I can’t help but feel like she has gotten over having me around and wants me to get out soon so she can start her new life.

My mom and I have almost always been able to talk, but I haven’t said anything to her about this, and I don’t have access to a therapist right now. But I need some clarity to deal with these feelings and family changes.