Christian Confab

Best Moments From the Values Voter Summit

At this weekend’s social-conservative confab, Republican bigwigs are talking abortion, heterosexuality, and all things God. We round up the most noteworthy—and wingnutty—moments.

Rick Santorum

Lamenting the lack of support the ultra-conservative movement gets from the mainstream media, one-time presidential candidate Rick Santorum told an appreciative audience: “We will never have the media on our side, ever, in this country. We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.” The former senator, who was welcomed with a standing ovation, brought all his values to the table—saying at one point, “without the church and family…there is no future for our country”—and deemed November 2012 the “most important election in the history of our country.”

Rand Paul

Kicking off this weekend’s summit was Sen. Rand Paul (son of presidential hopeful Ron Paul), who cut straight to the chase with a jab about the absence of God at the Democratic National Convention. But from there his speech, albeit touching, morphed into an abstract ramble that sounded more like a wedding toast than a political call to action. “And all that ultimately matters, as you chart your course, as we all try to chart our course in life, is how you treat the people around you, particularly those closest to you,” he said. “All else in life ultimately withers and fades.” Who knew the Kentucky senator and Tea Party member was so poetic?

Michele Bachmann

One-time presidential candidate Michele Bachmann took it upon herself to warn of the dangers of Islam and the coming attempt by Muslims to implement Sharia on the entire world. “No one, not Muslims, not non-Muslims, not Americans, are allowed to speak anything Islamists see as insulting to their religion,” she said to applause. “They intend to force us to kiss our freedom of speech and religion goodbye, and that’s why we’re being forewarned today.” But the president “needs to get his priorities straight” and “cancel his meetings” with Beyoncé and Jay-Z (referring to a fundraising event) and instead sit down with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Why he can’t do both is beyond us.

Kirk Cameron

Former teen heartthrob Kirk Cameron got some media attention recently after defending Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin and launching his super-Christian Love Worth Fighting For marriage-counseling tour. During Friday’s summit, Cameron delivered a 20-minute diatribe on Christianity, the sanctity of life, and the original wishes of the forefathers. “If only my name was Marty McFly and I had a DeLorean!” he said, expressing his desire to visit the Founding Fathers and find out how to lead America toward “the place of blessing.”

Paul Ryan

In another measured speech against President Obama, vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan outlined the failings of Obama’s administration and the need for a changing of the guard. He made sure to tailor his Obamacare attack to the audience, saying that the president has never “lifted a hand to defend the most helpless and innocent of all human beings, the child waiting to be born.” What’s more, the Catholic Church is constantly brushed aside by the government and will be forced into the health-care plan’s abortion mandates. “Nevermind your own conscience, they were basically told, from now on you’re going to do things the government’s way.”