your silence will not protect you

Anxious

June has been quite eventful thus far: I saw The 1975 with my friend for the second time on the first. Then that friend flew out to Illinois which is where she is moving for her first full-time job. My girlfriend volunteered to pick me up from the train station two towns away from my hometown after the concert, we got pulled over by cops for a non-functioning taillight, and then…because it was so late in the evening and the drive back to her house was far, she crashed at my house. This in itself isn’t significant…she practically lives with me when I’m in my apartment at school. What made it significant to me though was that we were in my family’s house…and I lied to them.

I suppose it isn’t the biggest deal in the world..I mean yeah, I introduced her as my friend the next morning, and she’s not just a friend to me but…there wasn’t much else I could do at that moment I guess. I wasn’t going to introduce her as my girlfriend right then and there, especially after she spent the night.

Although I was unsure how I wanted to come out a second time, I knew I didn’t want to lie. I feel like I started off with that though…and it sucks. I want to make a plan for how to go about sharing with my family this wonderful part of my life, especially because it is becoming increasingly sad to erase it when I’m home. It’s like I live two lives….one with my girlfriend and one with my family. This divide I’ve created isn’t fair to either party.

That’s all I want to talk about for now. I’ve been incredibly anxious all day and it’s been inhibiting my appetite, unfortunately. I haven’t been anxious about this situation though…mostly stuff related to scheduling concerns for this week. Basically, I’m unsure what my weekend is going to look like, and being the anxious person I am that needs to have everything meticulously planned at all times, I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m mostly stressed because I don’t have full access to a car since I’m sharing it with my sister, and I may need to go back and forth to my apartment because I have commitments in that city…but I also don’t have parking. I’m also worried I’ll have to justify why I’m going back and forth over the span of three or four days, among other trivial stuff, but it’s stressing me out. I hate living in two different cities. I no longer want to live in either of them…neither of them entirely feel like home; I would prefer to move somewhere else entirely. Somewhere where I can have full agency over my life and I want my own car.

I want to stop fantasizing about moving as a solution to all my problems because it’s absolutely not. I need to start overcoming all obstacles where I am currently, and if I try and things do not improve, then moving may be more appropriate.

4 thoughts on “Anxious”

i should…i have roommates tho and it makes me unwilling to make the shared common area more homelike. I suggested it’d be something we can decorate together and i’ve added a couple of things but they have no interest in it…so idk. i’ll see what else i can do to make it more comfortable for me tho. thank you ❤