NEW ORLEANS, UNITED STATES: James Belushi of the singing trio The Blues Brothers performs during the halftime show at Super Bowl XXXI 26 January at the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana. AFP PHOTO/Jeff HAYNES (Photo credit should read JEFF HAYNES/AFP/Getty Images)

Photo: Jeff Haynes, AFP/Getty Images

NEW ORLEANS, UNITED STATES: James Belushi of the singing trio The...

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FILE--Michael Jackson performs at Super Bowl XVII in Pasadena on Feb. 1, 1993. At age 30, the Super Bowl turns a significant milestone this year, firmly entrenched in the national psyche, an event so enormous that the country seems to stop at the end of each January to watch this slice of Americana take place. (AP Photo/file)

The Who plays the halftime show during Sunday's Super Bowl, and thank God for that. If this were 1990 instead of 2010, we might have to watch a bad Elvis impersonator perform a card trick involving the New Kids on the Block, Olympic figure skater Dorothy Hamill and the Miami Sound Machine.

America has become much worse in recent years at making cars, balancing its budget and producing coherent "America's Got Talent" judges. But our ability to create tolerable Super Bowl halftime shows has improved at least 1,000 percent.

The Who could play only children's instruments, Roger Daltrey could sing his lines between bites of a corn dog and the band could limit its song selection to the album "It's Hard," and the halftime performance would still be only one-tenth as bad as the Up With People show during Super Bowl XVI in 1982.

Accompanying this column are the worst Super Bowl halftime shows of all time. Religious fundamentalists may be upset that the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake exposed nipple Super Bowl halftime was relegated to an honorable mention. But as atrocious as that performance was, I'd rather see it 600 more times than watch Elvis Presto's 3-D card trick again.

Incidentally, bad Super Bowl halftime shows seem to motivate the 49ers. Note that they were the winning team in three out of five of our picks.

5. The new Blues Brothers

The game: Super Bowl XXXI (1997)

The transgressions: A "Blues Brothers Bash" sounds as if it might have been a lot of fun ... in 1980. Unfortunately, this happened in 1997, when Dan Aykroyd teamed with new Blues Brothers John Goodman and a tone-deaf Jim Belushi to shamelessly promote their new "Blues Brothers 2000" movie. James Brown showed up, and for the first time in his life didn't look the least bit funky. "Blues Brothers 2000" went on to gross $14 million at the box office, less than one-third of the rerelease of "Return of the Jedi" that same year. The event only served to remind everyone that John Belushi was still dead, and that Jim Belushi should stick to straight-to-video "K-9" sequels.

The transgressions: You can't knock the guy's ambition. He declared his intention to use the halftime show "to remake the planet into a haven of joy and understanding and goodness." His method? Waving a magic wand at the stands, where a card stunt turned each section of the stadium into an image of a different giant child. This development - and the 3,500 screaming children surrounding the stage - becomes much more disturbing with the knowledge that Jackson spent much of the next decade fighting allegations of child molestation. Mostly we're annoyed because he didn't even try to pretend that he wasn't lip-syncing the whole thing.

3. Fake Indiana Jones

The game: Super Bowl XXIX (1995)

The transgressions: With a new Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, the halftime show featured a "Raiders of the Lost Ark"-themed halftime show, with Indy and Marion Ravenwood chasing after the Vince Lombardi trophy. Miami Sound Machine and a very confused-looking Tony Bennett were worked into the plot, and the whole thing ended inexplicably with the "Lion King" song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight." The biggest atrocity in this parade of seemingly random commercialism involved the casting. The Indy and Marion parts were played by actors other than Harrison Ford and Karen Allen. Next to this, "The Star Wars Holiday Special" looks like "The Wire."

2. Elvis Presto

The game: Super Bowl XXIII (1989)

The transgressions: Featuring an Elvis impersonator - but no actual Elvis Presley songs - this horrible combination of a '50s sock hop; a giant, mostly incomprehensible card trick; and 3-D technology was mind-bendingly horrible. It might have made it to No. 1 on the list if it weren't for Bob Costas' sarcastic introduction, where he all but declares the show a complete waste of time. Elvis Presto must have been improvising the whole thing, because no professional writer collecting a paycheck would come up with lyrics as bad as this: "Card one, two, three or four/ Clap for the card that you adore." The most amazing part: In the end, the card trick didn't work.

Final score: San Francisco 49ers 20, Cincinnati Bengals 16

1. Up With People salutes Motown

The game: Super Bowl XVI (1982)

The transgressions: I hope you were throwing the football in your front yard during halftime shows in the 1970s and early 1980s, which all seemed to feature either Up With People or Carol Channing. Up With People always had a creepy-weird cultish quality, with exaggerated dance moves, brightly colored yet chaste clothing and industrial-grade happiness. The group's 1982 "Salute to Motown and the 1960s" was the worst of its four Super Bowl appearances. The performance featured the whitest people in the world performing music most closely identified with African American culture. Imagine watching the cast of "Bonanza" performing in a Tyler Perry play.