Gallery: How To Tell If You’ve Been Legitimately Raped

What with all the controversy over “legitimate rape,” “forcible rape” and “rape-rape” as of late, it’s easy to get confused about whether or not you’ve been actually been raped in any real, water-carrying type of way. Thankfully, there are lots of old, rich white dudes who are willing to give you guidance on the subject. Since I know your feeble lady-brain is too dim to look things up on the Internet, I’ve compiled a a convenient guide to legitimate rape for all of your rape-evaluating needs. It’s drawn from court cases, cultural artifacts, and pearls of wisdom that have tumbled from Todd Akin and other conservatives’ mouths. You’re welcome!

Note: start out with a hundred points. If you finish with fewer than 95, congratulations, you have not been raped after all.