Jeremy Corbyn kicked off today’s PMQs by leveraging last Wednesday’s events to ask the PM for more police funding so they have “the necessary resources with which to do the job”. This makes perfect sense of course because if we arm every policeman with a .50 cal and equip PCSOs with mounted exoskeletons capable of shooting hellfire missiles then we’ll be terror-proof. What’s more, once we’ve turned the British Bobby into ‘The Terminator’, Jeremy Corbyn will have free reign to virtue signal about our militarised police state and their appalling atrocities. Win-win.

That’s the thing with Jeremy, he loves the police right up until the point where they have to actually do their job and pulse fifty thousand volts through some nutjob with a knife. Then they become worrying quasi-fascist rogue operatives bent on shooting to kill and destroying our civil liberties.

But it’s not just Labour who were being expectedly loony on this issue. In the same vein up popped Tory MP James Berry to damn social media companies for failing to censor the internet quickly enough, instead “leaving the police to do the dirty work at the taxpayers’ expense”. Apparently deranged Islamist loons would Google“how to run over kuffars with a Hyundai”, find zero results and go “Damn, no expert advice, guess I’ll have to give it a miss then!”. There’s a whole generation of MPs who are so detached from reality that they think social media is more important than the real world. Britain, and Twitter, they’re not the same thing!

In other news Angus Robertson got up to do his poor man’s William Wallace only to be sternly rebuked by the PM: “the SNP consistently talks about independence as the only subject it wishes to talk about”. Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh’s eyes threatened to pop out of her head at this point as she shot daggers across the chamber as if to say: “No it’s not! We also talk about refugees, and Islamophobia, and sexism and racism!”.

PMQs now done with the PM went straight into her Article 50 Statement. It was one of her better speeches, with flights of oratorical fancy where she dared to speak of “the hope and enduring power of the British spirit”. At one point the rhetoric reached Churchillian heights, with the PM intoning regally: “Mr. Speaker, when I sit around the negotiating table in the months ahead I will represent every person in the United Kingdom; young and old, rich and poor, city, town, country, and all the villages and hamlets in between!”. “Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more!”

Rhetoric aside the PM was deft in her signals to Europe, tactfully outlining her desire for “a new, deep and special partnership”. The political equivalent of the “it’s not you, it’s me (but really it’s you)” breakup so cherished by men up and down this fair land. Expanding on this theme the PM called for “a partnership of values and interests with Europe…but a country that reaches beyond Europe’s borders too”. Translation: “we can still be friends, but only platonically, you know, without you f***ing us all the time?”

Hope too for the Lib Dems and SNP, who broke into maniacal laughter when the PM remarked that “the world needs the liberal democratic values of Europe”. Tim Farron and Sarah Olney in particular found this hilarious, flinging their heads back and giggling like schoolchildren before giving the PM an unwelcome wink. Presumably they too thought describing the EU as “liberal” and “democratic” was frankly absurd. “Ha! Ha! Ha! Europe? Democratic? Pull the other one!”

It was unfortunate for Jeremy Corbyn then that he had to deliver his response to the PM sandwiched between a massive pair of tits. No, not Tom Watson and John McDonnell. As in literally,a massive pair of tits, courtesy of Blackburn MP Kate Hollern who chose to sit directly behind the Labour leader in an extremely low cut top. This presumably was part of Labour’s ingenious new strategy to distract voters from Corbyn’s dismal delivery, which I must say is better than anything they came up with so far.

As a result of this cunning distraction Hansard probably didn’t even bother to record Corbyn’s response and as such it remains a mystery. Another mystery arose about mid-way through the PM’s statement as the six page Article 50 letter emerged. Six pages? Most could have done it in two words. Nigel Farage rose from a pint of Bombardier in a pub somewhere in Kent to offer his three: “You’ve been triggered”.