Yes I’m back people! Last week I talked about how hideous the San Jose Sharks were, and how it was clearly the answer to why they were so bad. I guess I was right, since the Kings thoroughly demolished them. You’re welcome Kings. This week will be a little different, because well the Canucks are super sexy. I can’t take the low road and discuss facial mutations, so I have to really dig deep on this one. Let me first start off by saying I don’t hate the Canucks. I know, I know, blasphemy! I just can’t hate them like I used to, I’ve gone soft. Sue me. I’ve actually been having a very twisted love affair with them this season, I’m seeking psychiatric help don’t worry. During my ongoing psychosis however I have learned quite a bit about the Vancouver Canucks. I’ve discovered Kevin Bieksa is fucking hilarious, and Ryan Kesler is a huge creeper. I’ve also discovered they have an insane amount of ginger’s on their team, seriously it’s weird. The one thing that really stands out to me though is that they are huge sluts! Seriously these guys don’t turn down an opportunity to show off the goods. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about this, I’ve quite enjoyed it actually. It could however be an issue for the Kings because the Canucks really make it a point to let people know how ridiculously good looking they are. It can be quite distracting.

I’ve seen this photo so many times, and I still can’t tell you what Chris Higgins face looks like.

Come on Chris… we get it. Your abs are flawless stop making everyone else feel bad.

Jeez he just can’t stop can he? This has to on purpose right? I wonder if his teammates are getting jealous.

“Jealous of Higgins? Yea right! I’m Ryan Fucking Kesler!”

“Chris can’t fill out a skirt like I can. Just look at this hot American ass!”

“Hey Chris! Check this shit out! Aww Yea!!”

“How you like me now? Photoshopped… my ass!”

OK boys this is getting ridiculous, settle down alright? Can’t you just agree you’re both fabulous?

I guess we know which Sedin takes the bottom bunk now.

Cory Scheider can really juggle those balls, eh?

You see what I mean? These guys are super slutty! They just have to out-whore each other every chance they get. They’re even corrupting poor innocent and pure David Booth.

“When I got here I was still half a virgin. I gave this team everything!”

While all this naked action might be distracting to the other team, It may actually work in the Kings favor. How? Well these guys are not only super into themselves, they’re super into each other. They just can’t keep their hands off one another. Can you really blame them?

“Kevin! Let me love you!”

Shane O’Brien may be gone, but a love like this lasts a lifetime.

“Me and Daniel are going to pass you around like a puck on the power play.”

“Come on Zack you know you wanna see my abs again.”

“No means no Ryan!”

“Hey Jannik you wanna play hide the hockey stick?”

Even the medical staff is getting a little “hands on”. Come on guy Daniel just got a concussion, he doesn’t need to be molested too.

“I’ll never let go Kevin, I’ll never let go.”

Love can be a wonderful and amazing thing, but it can also be very distracting. Between these guys checking out themselves and the occasional game of grab ass the Canucks aren’t going to be super focused. If the Kings can catch these guys mid-coitus they could be very successful. Just make sure you guys don’t get caught up in their love scrum, or you might end up like this.