And so to Spurs at White Hart Lane for a match that appears to have escaped the notice of the TV companies and the Metropolitan Police giving us a 3pm Saturday kick-off.

One of the more amusing things about this season has been watching Spurs bumping about the relegation zone. I don’t suppose any of us would have given much of a monkey’s but for their supporters who have this strange pre-occupation with size. A quick perusal of the posts by those who venture onto the kumb forums seems to suggest that it is illegal for a Tottenham fan to go more than five minutes without mentioning the words “big club” like some sort of mantra. In that respect, Tottenham as a club are like that bloke down your local who is forever boasting of his conquests but nobody can ever remember having actually seen him with a woman.

Despite the often hilarious series of results earlier on in the season, I think most of us in our heart of hearts never really thought they would go down, however funny that would have been and they’ve steadied the ship enough to reach the mid-table mediocrity that all but their fans consider to be their rightful place. They currently lie in 11th spot some six points and four places behind us though their current form has been fairly decent with them winning four and drawing one of their last six, the defeat coming last week up at Blackburn where ref Walton’s performance lived right down to expectations.

Mr Walton’s efforts brought forth a predictable burst of nervous twitching from the Spurs manager, who appears more like Jack Douglas with every interview. (Note for younger readers Jack Douglas was the comedian whose whole act seemed to be based on the fact that he had some sort of uncontrollable muscular tic which would end up with him spilling liquid (normally paint) over his boss. With, as they say, hilarious consequences).

Mr Redknapp has been holding forth about what a tragedy it was for West Ham to have sold the likes of Rio & co, strangely omitting to dwell on the fact that it was he who was manager when Rio was sold, his reported pay-off of £300k obviously softening the blow of losing the country’s best defender.

Mr Redknapp wasted little time on his arrival at Spurs buying back players who left for better things but failed to make the grade at bigger clubs (that’ll annoy them) – Keane and Defoe both returning to the comfort zone of N17 where the massed ranks of grease-stained anoraks and shell suits greeted their return with strange glee. Defoe will be absent with injury of course and Keane was partnered up at Blackburn by Darren Bent who is apparently worth £16-17m. That may have been a case of “horses (or donkeys) for courses as the former Charlton striker’s style of play is probably more suited to facing Blackburn’s somewhat basic approach to football. That being the case we may see a start for Pavlyuchenko instead of Bent this weekend.

Player of the season at White Hart Lane so far this season has to be ‘keeper Gomes. Redknapp moaned about ironic applause given to the keeper earlier in the season, forgetting that he himself had said that the keeper would have been dropped if he’d had anyone else to pick. Gomes seems to have little spells where he handles the ball like it were a bar of soap. Most Spurs supporters have no idea how soap handles when it’s wet so it’s little wonder that they don’t understand what Gomes’ problem is. Strangely, Gomes seems to be preferred to Cudicini who must be feeling a bit fed up with the situation. I mean being considered no.2 to Cech is one thing but Gomes???

In front of Gomes we are likely to see Ledley King who has a nice little thing going on with his knees which means that he only has to turn up to work once a week or so – twice if Fabio fancies a chat, but only for a swift cuppa. King will be partnered by Woodgate who is preferred to Dawson. One player who will be missing will be Wilson Palacios whose second yellow last week earned him some time off. Palacios’s sending off may have been some sort of apology on the ref’s part for his earlier error in awarding Spurs a penalty following some sort of hallucination. The penalty came from a cross by Lennon who goes through hot and cold spells through the course of the season. Another one to watch is Modric who shows enough from time to time to make people wonder what he would look like playing for a half decent team.

In Spurs’ favour for this one of course is our injury list. Spector’s bout of concussion has ruled him out already and Parker and Kovac, both of whom missed last week, are both rated doubtful for this week as well, with Kovac probably not wanting to risk his blonde locks in the dandruff-filled atmosphere of White Hart Lane. The team will therefore largely be a matter of who is fit and another start for Stanislas may be on the cards if there are no returns to active duty from the treatment room and Tomkins may have to start at right back if Neill is employed to stiffen up the midfield. Up front the less than convincing or dynamic duo of “Schnorbitz” Tristan and DiMichele will start. Tristan did show a few touches last week but it was hard explaining to a non-regular that the lazy jog employed as he “chased” down a loose ball was in fact an example of Tristan going flat out. Of course he’ll be getting used to walking pace over the next 32 months, the magistrates failing to believe that old “I wasn’t driving, I was adjusting the heating” excuse when the breathalyser alarm sounded.

The bare bones state of the squad makes it difficult to be too positive for this one which, after all, is their cup final bless ‘em. I thought similar last week but reckoned without the lack of fight from Sunderland who were woeful. Spurs may be average in every respect but they are playing better than Sunderland at the moment. One thing we’re not short on at the moment is spirit though and Mark Noble in particular always seems up for this one and if that feeling can transmit to the rest of the side I can see us battling a point so let’s go for a 1-1 to set ‘Arry twitching as he lines up his next putt on the Wii machine.

Enjoy the game!

Last season 0-4 – A horror show as Boa-Morte loses the plot and Ferdinand loses concentration. Some Spurs fans went for a wash to celebrate.

Danger Man: Lennon – in a half-decent spell of form at the moment.

Look out for: a big club – apparently there is one in N17 somewhere. Must be annoying for Spurs fans that.

Please note that the opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, nor should be attributed to, KUMB.com.

Your Comments

by IndoSteve11:02PM 10th Apr 2009''Always a pleasure, Percy.''

by bradhotspur (THFC)10:36PM 10th Apr 2009''Our cup final?! Listen, although we do like beating you in the London derby sense, we certainly don't place it at the top of our list of things to do. We're also not obsessed with finishing above you as you seem to be with us so the "cup final" thing is a little rich. Oh and by the way, jokes about cleanliness are rather old and really boring. Yes it's banter, blah blah blah but I'm sure you could come up with something better. Oh congratulations on not mentioning something about foreskins. Makes a change that.
Enjoy the game but not the result. ''

by Hammer0909:54PM 10th Apr 2009''I would love to see us nick this one but I just can't see it happening. They seem to always beat teams above them in the table, and if Lennon is on form, I don't think there's too much we can do about it. I would be very happy to get a draw on our travels.''