My boyfriend and I moved out together on August 23rd. His mom and stepdad talked about charging him August rent of $200. He had no issue with that, up until she demanded $400 for August AND September rent (he hasn’t lived with her since August). He decided not to give her the money and she filed for his PFD (Permanent Fund Dividend) for Alaskan residents. She called and texted him multiple times that she had filed for it but since he turned 18, HE can only file for it. She demanded that he should give her $800 out of his PFD (that’s half of it) but we needed it for rent/groceries/bills/other responsibilities. She texted him that he “owes” it to her because she put food on the table and gave him a house to live in with power.

About a month ago, she showed up at his work around 10:30, he works nights. He was trying to get out of his car to go into work and she held his door shut, yelling, “I want my damn money”

He explained to her that WE need the money, not her. She had recently bought herself $900 leather couches, a $900 iPad, and a $3,600 snowmachine (snowmobile) so she obviously isn’t hurting for money.

She works at the same store he works at, but she works days in the grocery department. He works nights in the home department.

Tonight she decided to go to his work at 1am, the store closes at 11pm, so she would’ve HAD to use her work card to get in the back door. She walked to him and demanded that he should talk to her and stop ignoring her. He said “I’m working” and she continued to harass him. He stopped responding to her so she walked over to his coworkers and said “he doesn’t love me, he cut me out of his life!!!!”

Honest to God, I am so fucking tired of everything she’s done. I really want to go to her boss and let him/her know that she came to work OFF THE CLOCK to harass her son. I feel like it’s unsafe for him to even work there with her being crazy as hell.

I need advice on how to handle this situation or if I need to just stay out of it, but this has me worried.

Reddit, please help.

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s mom has been demanding money from him. When he chose to ignore her, she showed up at his work after closing time and decided to harass him. They work at the same store, different departments and different hours. I want to tell her boss that she harassed him when she wasn’t even supposed to be there. Is that my place?

Can he get another job so she can’t accost him at his workplace? He might be better off cutting contact or at least living and working far away from her.

Fill-Acc 331

No jobs around where we live pay as much as he’s making now. It’s a fight to find jobs and it’s too expensive to move out of state. I’m leaving it up to him to decide if he wants to cut her off or not, although I’m hoping he does.

Matrixsleepagent 239

Shes a shitty parent. Even if he pays her, that will keep her quiet for X amount of time. You should never buy time with a piece of shit. They always find their way back out of the toilet and create a mess. Flush them.

icemanthrowaway123 38

she's a child that happened to spawn. I would not call her a parent extorting her son for iPads and Luxury items when he and his live-in girlfriend just moved out.

iridescenteyez 17

The rage and truth behind this statement is hilarious.

casanochick 75

If it's a good job, he shouldn't have to leave. He should, however, complain to management. If it was anyone else, his mom's behavior would be grounds for discipline or possible termination. She shouldn't be bringing personal matters into the workplace, and HR should be notified.

riot_act_ready 28

This is the best course of action. If she used her employee card to enter the building when she was off shift, to harass an employee no less, she likely violated numerous policies (including posed a OHSA risk, i.e. what would have happened had she injured herself while there?). Management NEEDS to hear about this. They can also take steps to make sure they know to keep the two off of the same shifts.

someguy3 4

While this seems the obvious thing to do, it may create dramatically more problems if she gets fired. Yes maybe that's the result of her actions, but it still creates more issues for both of them.

Before going to this, he should warn her that if anything happens at work again he'll go to management.

casanochick 4

I disagree. If she's given warning, she could retaliate and cause more problems at work before management makes a decision, which could make them just fire both of them to be rid of the problem. If it was a random coworker, he wouldn't hesitate to involve HR. If his mom decides to cause more problems as a result of the complaint, he'll have a record of her behavior to take to the police to get a restraining order.

someguy3 1

That's a good point, however this appears to just be about money rather than general 'out to get you'. Which it may turn into if she's fired.

Jpmjpm 37

Since you’re only 19, I’m assuming she wants money for feeding, housing, and clothing him for the past 19 years? She’s not entitled to money for providing the necessities to a child that she had. After 18, if they agreed on terms, I could see that but since there wasn’t any agreement too bad. Anytime she tries to harass him, clarify that she wants money for doing what she’s legally required to do for a child she chose to have when he had no say in the matter? If she tries saying anything to coworkers, just flatly say she wants him to pay her hundreds (thousands?) of dollars back for raising him.

If you can swing it, have a lawyer draft a cease and desist letter. It’ll cost less than what she’s demanding and the lawyer should be able to do a payment plan. Also call the police at every instance. She’s harassing you. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so call the non emergency line every single time. Put the non emergency line on speed dial. See her approaching? Call them before she says a single word. She locks him in his car? Call the fucking police! Eventually they’ll start ticketing her. Between a lawyer and the police, she should get scared off enough to leave you alone. If not, at least you have a paper trail and documented timeline of her crazy.

Also, I’d consider reporting her to the store’s owner/HR. Her coming in off the clock after closing to harass another employee is 1) hostile work environment 2) a huge liability if she tripped or somehow got hurt. I’d emphasize the second point since it takes you out of the equation. You could also mention that her coming in and causing a fuss (especially since she starts whining to coworkers who are trying to work) is taking away from productivity. Plus her causing a fuss and distracting others could cause them to get injured.

TheWorstCleric 3

Fellow Alaskan here, can back up the darn expensive statement. I don’t know if you’re in the villages or not but everywhere is so darn hard to live and it’s so hard to find a job. I feel for you. 👏🏻

tamiaredguard 2

If you want to build a life with him, he needs to cut her off.

laarg 511

Parents do not deserve to repaid for raising their children.

uncovered-history 122

They don't! Think of it as 'paying it forward.' My mom paid for me, I pay for my son, he'll pay for his kid(s) if he chooses to have kids... Simple concept.

Ferph 69

Kids aren't a business investment.

​

They're born of love. You give them love and hope they give that love to their children. Money is just the means to subsist. Making it the primary issue just shows there's a lot of love lost there.

clumsy_turtle 5

Kids aren't a business investment.

This right here. I wish my parents realized this. I think this is the only reason why they adopted me, tbh.

Neosantana -4

Most kids are born out of obligation or sheer accident. Love might come after, but not always. Don't romanticize it.

Ashesremindme 35

Regardless of how the kids come to be, we can all agree that it’s never the child’s fault that it’s born.

If someone gets pregnant and doesn’t want a child, there are other options. No one should ever have a kid and expect to be paid back for keeping them.

Neosantana 6

Oh, absolutely. It's on the fuck-knuckle who forgot the condom, not the poor kid born out of it

jansipper 2

Depends on where you live and your socioeconomic status... maybe? I think maybe sometimes a fetus isn’t terminated out of obligation but by the time a child is born the vast majority of the time it is born out of love. At least where I live more people are having children later in life that are clearly planned - I can’t think of a single baby that I know that was not born out of love.

LikeATreefrog

If you don't feed, clothe, and shelter your kids you are breaking the law and could go to jail. It's a legal obligation to care for your damn kids.

NickRacicOfCarmelNY -10

It's nice to be that privileged.

yetzer_hara 38

Right. Son never asked to be born. His mother forced him into existence by no fault of his own.

Disgruntled_Rabbit 14

No kidding, I'd you feel that way about raising kids, you probably shouldn't raising kids.

_StatesTheObvious 13

It's a choice they made and are responsible for at least until 18

YourFriendlySpidy 10

Nope. It is the literal minimum legal requirement. People also don't deserve to be paid for not punching people as they walk down the street, or getting car insurance.

dratyan 5

Seriously, threads like this make me appreciate my mom even more. She never asked for anything back, on the contrary, she's always trying to help even though I'm well into my 20s. We're far from being rich and she still supported me through a lot.

admiral_snugglebutt 1

Yeah, it was their decision to have kids.

imperi0 357

Did you post this before? I swear I read this exact same post a month or two ago?

MrsBearasuarus 216

Pretty sure I saw something similar as well not long ago!

Edit: yes she did according to post history. When the mom started this nonsense.

NonaSiu 153

Thank you, because I soon as I read this I thought, "There's that crazy Alaskan mom from last summer!"
I may just spend too much time here...

thaddeus_crane 56

JNMIL name should be "Crazy, Alaska"

Smiling_Doggo 31

No it's the same one - I remember her buying the $3600 snowmobile.

MrsBearasuarus 21

You and me both. Lol. Reddit is my only friend.

Formergr 12

Yup, I remember this too. Mainly the “snowmachine” part.

LaLangostina 6

I have definitely read this before on Slate, Dear Prudence, years ago.

Icanhelp12 3

Yes. I’ve definitely read this before

hotandcoal 343

Your BF should be the one to go to his manager and tell them what is happening. Your BF can tell the manager not to say he went to them when they take his mother aside. Manager can say " several employees came to me upset about an incident involving you coming here after hours when you're not allowed to do so and harassing your son, is this true?"

Crafty_Birdie 77

This.

You might also like to check out the sub r/raisedbynarcissists and see if that’s what your BF is actually dealing with. It’s classic Nparent behaviour to do this kind of thing.

ragdollnamedluna 8

Yep. Definitely go there, OP.

lukeyj_gtfc 14

Good advice. He needs to get there first because her behaviour could be risking his job.

Nicole-Bolas 162

Hate to break it to you, but it's police report time. You need to start reporting it to the police. You and your boyfriend need to stay calm, stay polite, and every time she shows up and won't leave or calls and texts you harassment or does anything else, you report it to the police. This will go a long way toward a restraining order.

BirdsOfFlight 22

THIS. Btw. Tell her in a text to stop contacting you in any way op. From both of y'all's phones.

GnomeFondler 8

Yeah, it sounds like OP is trying to set some healthy boundaries, but sometimes those boundaries need to be reinforced with paperwork.

tamiaredguard 100

You need to make sure he shuts his mother down at every turn, up to and including cutting off all contact with her until she apologises to him, or at the very least stops making ANY kind of demands for money from him.

​

> She texted him that he “owes” it to her because she put food on the table and gave him a house to live in with power.

​

I sure hope he isn't falling for this one, because it's bullshit. He didn't ask to be born. She chose to have him and raise him. That was her duty, and he is NOT obligated to pay her back in any way for it. Most children gladly would but most children's moms aren't narcissistic manipulators trying to drain their kids dry like your BF's mom is.

Don't tolerate him giving her even a penny. She's disgusting.

euclidiandream -2

Reread the OP, this all began after the bf turned 18. It sounds like the mom is trying to get him to understand the value of a dollar

OliviaPresteign 89

Are you also employed there, and is she harassing you at all? If no to either, no, you should not be telling anyone at the store about this, particularly her boss.

What does your boyfriend want to do?

Fill-Acc 65

I’m not employed there.

She’s made snarky comments to me about how I took her son away and blah blah. She told him that she’d come to my work next. She doesn’t know where I work though.

It’s only been three hours since this incident occurred so I haven’t talked to him much about it yet.

I’m furious, what do you think should happen next?

TheHatOnTheCat 60

It's sweet in theory that you want to protect your boyfriend. But going to his work and reporting his family problems to mangers there will not make him look good. In the best possible case where they take your version of events and think his mom is at fault, he is still a guy who had to have his girlfriend come get help to protect him from his mommy. Don't take away all his agency and humiliate him at work.

Never ever ever mess with your SO's career. Don't report their work issues to their boss. Don't report their personal issues to their boss. This is not helpful. This is not respecting his autonomy and it makes him look bad even if it's a valid issue, since some outsider had to come intervene for him. It makes it look like he's either unable to handle his own problems professionally, or unable to stop his girlfriend from unprofessionally butting into company affairs, or both. He isn't a child if he needs to escalate a work issue (I'm not saying he does, but if) he needs to do it himself to be seen as responsible adult.

What you can do is support your boyfriend emotionally without telling him what to do. You can listen to him, acknowledge his feelings, and comfort him. You can plan a special day or date or activity to cheer him up. Basically, you can be his girlfriend and make him happy.

mrsmoose123 33

From your boyfriend’s point of view, if his boss finds out what’s been happening, one of the two may be asked to leave if this doesn’t stop. The person fired might well be your boyfriend if he’s more junior or seen as less useful. So definitely leave that alone.

It wouldn’t be a bad idea for your boyfriend to look for a new job, and make sure his old job keeps the details confidential from his mother.

Redneckshinobi 11

That's not what an employer would do though, they would bring in both parties and find out what happened. If the mother is harassing an employee while working that is more severe, doesn't matter what seniority they have they will get in trouble for it.

meningeal 11

Ideally, that's what would happen, but that doesn't mean it'll go that way. We have no idea what bf's/MIL's manager is like.

Redneckshinobi 4

The manager would have no leg to stand on. I work in a very corporate company, and we do get a lot of leeway, but if I did this to another employee it doesn't matter how hard I work or how much my manager likes me, I'd be getting written up/letter. Most workplaces have policy's that cover this, OP please look into contacting HR.

​

(This might even be considered soliciting at work)

The manager would have no leg to stand on, I work in a very corporate company, and we do get a lot of leeway, if I did this to another employee it doesn't matter how hard I work or how much my manager likes me, I'd be getting written up/letter. Most workplaces have policy's that cover this, OP please look into contacting HR.

Nicole-Bolas 32

You need to warn your work that this woman may show up, and to not let her in / do not listen to anything that she's saying because she wants to hurt you because you're dating her son. Get ahead of this. Give them a picture. If she does show up, get them to record it or get them to log time / date / what happened to support a police report.

godrestsinreason 24

If you're not employed there, you going to your boyfriends boss to complain about another employee (from the boss' perspective), that's going to make things worse for everyone involved. It's your boyfriend's job to deal with this, not yours.

If you're not employed thee, you going to your boyfriends boss to complain about another employee (from the boss' perspective), that's going to make things worse for everyone involved. It's your boyfriend's job to deal with this, not yours.

rosycross93 17

Let him handle things at his work. If she comes to harass you at your work, then you can do something about it. Have her escorted out, call security - whatever.

Slutlala

she'll probably follow you to work, if she hasn't already. I'd talk to your boss about this.

meetmeintheclouds 40

He needs to take care of the work issue since it was at his workplace and his mother harassing him. There will be video of her going into the store when she wasn’t on the clock and management can proceed after talking to him. That’s all on him.
Concerning the PFD, he can call the Jnu office and have them flag any applications that come in under his name (if she forged his signature and wants a check sent to their address/deposited in HER account) and tell them what happened. I’m pretty sure they have a department strictly for this, I used to work there seasonally for two years. Just cover your bases there because you’ll want to make sure that money goes to the right place.
He was a source of income for her and now he is no longer dependent. It is time to cut her out of both of your lives if this is how she views her son. But really, he has a lot of decisions to make.

Tell him to give her $10 and a condom and say if she doesn't want to have to put food on the table for a child next time, she should give birth control or the morning after pill a go. she chose to have a kid, she chose to keep a kid. she chose to raise a kid. your bf doesn't owe her a damn thing for her doing the literal bare minimum she's legally required to do to look after a kid

pizzafordesert 2

Man, it's like $60 dollars for the morning after pill where I am. Though, I'll admit I have only seen it available in one store.

binzoma 2

am male and canadian, so yeah I just picked a random number

pizzafordesert 1

Am male and American, what's that like?

mademethemayor 1

You can get it on Amazon for half that

belgiantwatwaffles 25

Your boyfriend should report her actions to HR.

killallenemies 2

This should definitely be higher.

Brooklyn_Bunny 21

This sounds like it’s entering r/legaladvice territory if Mom won’t stop harassing him

ihearthorticulture 11

From age 1-18, it is literally her job to provide a house (with power/heat...if it’s in Alaska lol) for him to live in. So idk why she is making a stink over that.

For the August rent, $200 I guess is fair depending on size of house, how nice it was, how much food she bought him, gas/electric, water, trash, etc. Actually $200 sounds like a very good deal.

As for September, she cannot charge him rent if he does not live there and if all of his property has been moved out. You can still be charged rent if you store your property on someone’s else’s property. Even if you don’t live there.

That being said, idk about Alaska’s laws, idk about not having a lease before this money was demanded, idk idk. If I was the mom I would not charge my young son for rent. Something else might be going on here, like she is mad at him for leaving or something weird.

Edit: added sentence

salamanderpencil 11

Don't get involved.

This is for your boyfriend to handle. Back off.

Your boyfriend will have to set the boundaries here, not you.

You can set your personal boundaries. Your personal boundary might mean that you won't let your boyfriend just vent Ad nauseam to you unless he's ready to take legal action against his mother. That is a fair boundary. When my friend was in an abusive relationship, I offered her a place to live, I offered her help moving, I offered her everything I could to get her out of that relationship. But in the end, I couldn't call the police for her, I couldn't call her husband's job for her, I couldn't leave the relationship for her. That was a decision she had to make on her own. However, I could and did tell her that I was no longer going to give her attention and validation day after day after day, and listen to her complain and complain about a situation that she had the power to change, but was refusing to change. That was my boundary. That was the control I had over the situation.

If your boyfriend doesn't want to call the police, or a lawyer, about his mother, that is 100% his choice. You can't take that choice away from him. But what you can choose to do is tell your boyfriend that you don't want to hear him complain about a situation that he's enabling by not taking more direct action.

In the meantime, protect yourself. Get a security camera installed outside your house if you can, protect your property as best you can, make sure his mother doesn't have your number or information, maybe even talk to a lawyer. If your boyfriend wants to enable his mother, that is 100% his choice, and you can't interfere. But you can protect yourself to the best of your ability, and you should.

asymmetrical_sally 11

She texted him that he “owes” it to her because she put food on the table and gave him a house to live in with power.

Guess what happens when you don't provide these things to your minor children? You go to fucking jail for neglect. Don't let your boyfriend fall for this kind of sick manipulation.

spacenb 9

Parents are responsible by law to give food and shelter to children until they are adults. ”Give”, not loan or rent. Your boyfriend’s mum is unreasonable and is not entitled to a single dime from either of you, unless your boyfriend signed a lease with his mum and agreed to a specific amount each month. I’d consider giving her the $200 she requests for August but nothing more, and lodging a police complaint whenever she harasses or threatens your boyfriend, which could help escalating to a restraining order if she doesn’t tone it down.

hopingtothrive 8

You should stay out of it and let him handle his own mother and his own money.

avocado__dip 0

Yea it would be patronizing for his girlfriend to step in for him.

tyranosaurus_derp 4

File a complaint with the boss that a member of staff harassed him in the car park, soliciting money. That same member of staff abused her business access card in order to harass him whilst working, which is unprofessional. The familial ties don't matter, harassment is harassment. She caused a scene in the middle of the night, making outrageous demands of him and disrupting roster of staff on shift.

She's demonstrated that she has no issue with marching into a building she has no right to be in at 1am in order to do this, who's to say she doesn't give the card to someone else in order to continue the harassment.

He owes no money to her legally or morally, she decided to have kids, that includes paying for them. If he signed a contract saying he'd pay her, he may be obliged but i doubt he did.

Is dad on the scene/able to step in and stop his mother from pissing around?

As for filing for his PFD, she had no right unless she has PoA, is a legal guardian or he's an at risk adult, i suspect he's none of those, but to be sure you can contact the relevant authority to notify them another adult may be fraudulently attempting to access his details, accounts, and funds.

AmazingLoot 4

Oh man, this story is so Alaska, I love it. I probably don’t know the people involved (I might!), but I know a lot of families working together at stores like this.

Honestly, it’s his shit to deal with, you can and should support him, but it needs to come from him directly.

Not2BaPerv 3

Stay out of it. You think its bad now? Just wait until you or he gets her fired and she really needs money. She is probably just used to getting that money like a tax return and now she isn’t and is upset.

BronsonRedfin 3

Shit is tough in Alaska

Budgies2cute 3

You need to stay out of it. He doesn’t need protection he didn’t ask for, and so far it seems it’s between him and his mother. He is responsible for enforcing his own boundary by reporting to his boss IF he wants to, not you. He is responsible for enforcing his boundaries by disengaging from her interactions if she becomes escalated. To make a decision of action for him or involve yourself is overstepping personal and professional boundaries (and a tad controlling).

Crazydragonsex 2

This sounds very scary similar to how my mother was when I moved out with my husband (then boyfriend). In my situation she had been demanding that we spend all of our free-time over with her, and saying that if we didn't she would take away the car I bought from her (the title hadn't been changed to my name yet since she was my mother and I trusted her..). When we refused to go to a long weekend ski trip and miss work she took my car by storming into my workplace and demanding it. We didn't talk for another year and only just recently are back on good terms.

​

During the time leading up to her taking the car and after when we weren't speaking she told the whole family how I abandoned her when she moved to my city to be with me (this was when I was 18 and first going to college. I had asked her not to so I would have independence). She spoke shit about my husband, blaming him and calling him abusive and controlling, and even went as far as to tell my brother that I was a liar and doing illegal drugs (I was not. I was a full-time student to be a social worker and didn't have time to even go on many dates). While all of this broke my heart, hurt our relationship, and ruined my husbands view of her I found that cutting her off and taking the time to live without her helped amazingly.

​

After a year I called her and asked her to come to spend the holidays with us, and then started to try to put in more effort on my part to see her. Things have been slow-moving but we are now at the point where I can call her with good news, spend days with her, and even go on double-dates with her boyfriend and my husband. Sometimes after living with your parents for so long the empty-nest (not empty, but empty of you) can cause them to go into crazy mode. That is the best time to take a break and evaluate what YOU all want/need. It doesn't need to be for a whole year like I did, but just give yourself space to figure out how to have a relationship that isn't demanding and good on all terms.

​

As for the money, he doesn't owe her anything, and while she may threaten and do crazy things, the police wouldn't ever need to take her side. I think he should try cutting her off for a while and let everything settle, then when everyone is ready they can have an adult conversation about how their relationship will be so that all people are at an understanding. She could be experiencing panic over him leaving, and acting out in a way that she thinks will keep him near (money), he needs to show her that she can't act this way and have a healthy relationship with him.

RandyHoward 2

You need to just stay out of this. You going to their boss is only going to complicate the situation at work more. Where your relationship with him is concerned, you need to stay out of it for the sake of your relationship as well. Support him and encourage him to do the right thing, but you don't interact with his mom at all, that is only asking for much bigger problems for your relationship. He needs to handle this issue himself, it is entirely between he and his mother. Support him but do not get involved, you have no place in this.

chach14 2

As a parent it’s her responsibility to feed & provide shelter for her children. He does not owe her for that. Please do not let him give her a cent. Tell her boss she is harassing another employee, namely her son, & causing issues in the workplace by making a scene.

M15CH13FM4N4G3D 2

Irrelevant, but I moved out with my boyfriend on August 24 haha!

travelinzac 2

It is his money, she has no claim to it.

​

He owes her nothing in rent unless there is a lease document stating so. You don't get to charge your children to live at home and if you let them stay after 18 they don't suddenly owe you rent when they decide to leave.

​

Consider asking the courts for an order of protection, her harassment is clearly escalating.

peopled_within 2

Yes, tell the boss about her unprofessional behavior. I guarantee the boss won't be happy about it

AshleyEuphoric 2

Okay let me just start off by saying that just because people are not hurting for money and just because they can afford to buy nice things does not mean you should not pay back a debt that is owed. It doesn't matter if you owe someone $10 or $1,000... You owe that debt regardless of their financial situation. Always remember that.

Second of all know the mother has no right to any money for September. What he needs to do is he needs to pay her the prorated amount for 23 days of August and that's it. He can pay for the days in August that he actually lived there. As far as her putting a roof over his head and food on the table... that's her job as a mother. She has no right to throw that in his face. I would just pay her for the 23 days of August and keep the rest of the money for your bills. If she continues to harass him I would take the proper steps to have her charged if it's possible and you need to document everything every time she shows up somewhere. keep every text message date time place everything. Just in case you decide to take it to court.

UnsureThrowaway975 2

Police report. If shes harassing him, time to call the police. Also, to rope in his employer. Shes liable to cause damage at work and blame him

BootyBec 2

What about a restraining order, as she is harassing him?

ermergerdperderders 2

Is it possible there's CCTV footage of the incident where she traps him in his car? Maybe footage of her sneaking into their work building to harass him? These are definitely grounds for filling a police report/ restraining order.

Fill-Acc 1

I’m not employed there.

She’s made snarky comments to me about how I took her son away and blah blah. She told him that she’d come to my work next. She doesn’t know where I work though.

It’s only been three hours since this incident occurred so I haven’t talked to him much about it yet.

I’m furious, what do you think should happen next?

Darth_Boggle 3

I'd say if the harrassment continues then call the police.

PsychoticPangolin 1

Restraining order, asap! He should cut her out of his life as well, because she's toxic.

SleepIsForChumps 1

Fuck her. Report this to the manager of the store. Report this to the police. Report this to the IRS if she actually filed for his money. Check his credit reports to make sure she isn't using his credit. Change banks if they bank at the same place. Change any passwords she might have. Get a door camera for your house/apartment if you can afford it. Report EVERY instance of harassment like this to the police.

trial_by_fiber 1

Pay her the 200 for August rent, and be done. He doesn't owe for September. Then cut her off completely.

How did it go up to 800?

Japjer 1

I'd recommend you contact the authorities and file for harassment. Escalate as needed.

tmpPtr 1

She's made it clear that this is the hill she is willing to sever her relationship with her son on.

Your boyfriend needs to be willing to do the same or at least be willing to call her bluff. If your boyfriend cannot set hard boundaries, the psychological abuse will continue for the rest of his life.

So far his answers seem to be too relative and (in her mind) leave the door open for her "claim" to the money. He is now playing her game: entertaining a conversation about who needs the money more and who is in "favor-debt" to the other.

The real conversation is much easier, will bring this to a head, but will also have real consequences. The money is his and she is not getting a penny more than the agreed upon $200 for rent. Final answer. End of story.

How she reacts is her problem. If she is willing to completely give up a relationship with her son and potential DIL/grandchildren over a couple hundred bucks, it becomes immediately obvious that she is not someone who the general population would be pleased to interact with (Translation: she's a shitty person). That's typically a good sign that you should cut ties with someone regardless of the "sanctity" of the relationship.

On the flip side, there may be some general discomfort in interactions for awhile, but things will smooth out eventually if she can be open to outside perceptions of her actions.

So far his answers seem to be too relative and (in her mind) leave the door open for her "claim" to the money. He is now playing her game; entertaining a conversation about who needs the money more and who is in "favor-debt" to the other.

How she reacts is her problem. If she is willing to completely give up a relationship with her son and potential DIL/grandchildren over a couple hundred bucks, it becomes immediately obvious that she is not someone who the general population would be pleased to interact with (Translation: She's a shitty person). That's typically a good sign that you should cut ties with someone regardless of the "sanctity" of the relationship.

Brynjo 1

Three issues:
1) Legal: seems pretty clear he legally owes her nothing for rent, broken lease (there was none), food. Like any “harrasser”, legal remedy is restraining order, lawsuit, etc.
2) Family relationship: Pretty torched, useless already, so not much to save. Perhaps, if he is extremely compassionate, and or thinks she is truly psychotic (ie suffers from a serious mental disease) he could ask a family therapist how to best manager her, help her. I suspect advice would be to minimize contact for all parties’ benefit.
3)Regardless, doesn’t involve you, except your relationship with your boyfriend. Not your battle, support and/or gently advise him, don’t get involved with his mom. Or heck, decide whether guy with lots of baggage is “prince” you deserve.

Honestly this is outright abusive and would justify actually cutting off contact with her. Children do not choose to be born to their parents and never signed a contract agreeing to repay the loan of being raised and parented. Parents choose to raise a child, and should not expect to be repaid monetarily. Especially not for someone who isn't even 20 years old and is still getting their life together.

He should talk to HR about what she's doing, maybe get some co-workers who witnessed it to back her up. Explain the situation honestly. Either HR will discipline her, or if they don't, he should try to find another job.

If this goes on, get a restraining order

moltenrock 1

You —- STAY OUT OF IT.

DeatCoreBoy1 1

Unfortunately, I think you should stay out and try to be as supportive as you can to him, because she is her mom and family is a delicate thing. Try to support him but only when he asks you to, because if you start a war, I'm afraid chances are you are gonna lose.

amcm67 1

It’s harassment.

She has no legal right to any money unless he signed some kind of lease agreement.
Furthermore what she is doing is harassment.

Which he could get a restraining order against her but that would require one of you to not be able to work at the same place, maybe.

He needs to involve his manager or HR if they have one. Explain the entire situation and harassment.

punmaster2000 1

Might also be worth it to start reading in r/raisedbynarcissists/ This sounds classic for a narcissistic parent to do - see their child as an extension/possession of themselves.

Fortunately for you, she likely violated a company policy doing what she did, and now your boyfriend's work is on his side, not hers. Whatever he can't seem to do on his own, his work may be able to do. He should still file for an order of protection, though.

StinkyPickleCat 1

I would advise NOT talking to his boss, let him do that. Although, it may cause a conflict of interest should something go wrong. Your boyfriend should consider finding another job, changing his phone number, and possibly filing for a restraining order if she doesn't stop.

ductoid 1

The only thing that would look worse for him at his work than his mother causing drama for him would be if both his mother and his girlfriend were in there causing drama.

There is nothing you personally can do at his work that will make him look professional. The only thing you will accomplish is make it look like it's not just that his mom is crazy, but rather that he is surrounding himself with a circle of people who are causing drama that the manager now has to deal with. And you'll be making him look like a child who can't handle his own issues. Stop parenting him. Especially don't parent him at his place of work. Just stop.

It's likely he's grown up in a situation where he wasn't allowed to establish healthy boundaries or handle his own affairs when he should have. He's at risk now for having unhealthy adult relationships because of that - with exactly the dynamics you're starting to display. You need to be aware of that and resist the temptation to act like his mother acts.

In other words, encourage him to become the competent adult I'm sure you want him to be, who handles his own problems without his mommy (or you as his surrogate mommy) stepping in because they believe he's incapable of handling them himself.

Squeezebreeze 1

Christ, he needs another job. I know Alaska is rough on everything, but he needs another employment.

​

Also, I highly suggest your boyfriend check out the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists, it helped me venture away from the hostile environment like that.

Andiewrites 1

First off: don't try and justify why you shouldn't give her the money based on what she purchases. You and your boyfriend don't need to justify this. He is a 19-year-old man, he no longer lives under her roof and it is his money to claim and receive.

If she continues to harass him, he needs to call the police, get a restraining order, whatever he needs to do. Maybe the two of you should start considering a goal of leaving the area/state if that's what you want to do. Sometimes distance is the only thing that makes this type of thing better.

sunny_naysayer 1

Do not do anything since we’re talking about a job. I’m sure his boss heard wind of it and the more you guys get involved that mean she’s winning. She might get fired if she keeps coming in at night. Let her shoot herself in the foot.

monkwren 1

There's not a whole lot you can do here, but there are some things your boyfriend can do. He can go to HR at work and describe the harassing behavior of his mother. He can also contact the police about a restraining order, since she's harassing and assaulting him. He should also probably practice standing up to her, saying "no", and he might want to consider cutting her out of his life entirely, or at the very least putting her on an information diet.

This is a shitty situation, I'm sorry your MIL is a jerk.

purpooflwrs 1

although i think she has no right to that money, and should shut up about it, i do think they should talk about it.
it might be that most of her anger is because he moved out and she’s hurt, so she’s lashing out in a way that, in her eyes, seems only way for him to go back to her. in her mind it might sound something like “i will continue to bug him so he can either pay me, or he can move back in”
i think they should talk it out, and although she sounds horrible, i dont think it would be beneficial for him to cut his mom out.
seeing as both of you are very young, and there is no guarantee that he and u will work out, he should still have some people in his life including his mom.
ps. im not saying that shes right for acting crazy, im just saying that it may be coming from a place of hurt.

moop_96 1

I'd cut ties, you guys are not her personal bank...

LittleWinn 1

Contact the PFD office and change your login information for MyAlaska so she can’t file on his behalf, then ask them to help you change where it is being deposited, and then notify your work you’re being harassed. Seriously the PFD is a great benefit and you shouldn’t let her steal it.

Excellent_Plastic 1

Do not get into it with her. Your boyfriend is handling it. He might want to give his supervisor a heads up about the ruckus last night and apologize for his mother bringing their relationship to the job.

rifrif 1

can he report this harassment to his boss? just because shes his mother doesnt mean he can hinder his duties at work.

also, id get your BF to call whoever is in charge of the PFD and tell them that his mother might file fraudulently to get it and maybe they can set up a secret password or secret question.

i'd also get one of those apps for the phone where he can check his credit for free in case she tries to take out cards in his name (my bf's mom did that one)

QueenieKush0218 1

Report her to a manager or HR department.

for-the-memes 1

I think that it isn’t your place to talk to your boyfriend’s boss. That has the possibility of causing a slew of drama with your boyfriend’s coworkers and boss and that wouldn’t help your boyfriend during or even after everything settles in this situation. You should have a conversation with your boyfriend and give him your advice on how you would handle the situation and hear what he thinks especially since he works with these people and would know how to properly handle things with his boss. Hopefully you both can come to a decision together, but it’s important for him to be able to make a decision about his own work environment just as it’s important that you be able to make the same decisions in yours. You both want what’s best for each other, and that’s truly great, but it’s important to realize when taking things into your own hands is overstepping boundaries. This might be one of those times

Hope this helps!!!

virgosdoitbetter 1

Doesn't she get her own PFD? I had to look up what that was even...I wish my state paid me to stay here, ha.

BreadyStinellis 2

I think states like Alaska and Hawaii have it because jobs are so scarce. At least in Hawaii, young people moving to the mainland is a real problem, economically and because of immigration. They dont want the whole state to be immigrant only.

alphamsh 1

Your bf’s mom likely has a personality disorder. It is likely either borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorders. My mother and father have acted the exact same way and it wasn’t until I studied about the disorders for my career path till I understood how much of an impact the traits could have.

His mother is using the money as a way of “pledging loyalty” to her in a subconscious matter. Here her son is leaving home away from her. His financial security is signaling to his mother that he doesn’t have to depend on her. To the narcissist mother it subconsciously means that she doesn’t matter in his life and her self worth is tied to how she feels others perceive her. Him filing alone also means that he isn’t living with her and will move away. She doesn’t need the money at all so we know that this issue clearly isn’t about money unless she has a gambling problem or a shopping addiction she is hiding.

Your bf is doing a great job of shutting her down; however, he needs to look for a different job. In this case, the mother will cause issues till one or both are fired from their job. She will likely try her best to get him fired so that he will be financially obligated to move back in with her or depend on her. It may not make logical sense for her to think such (a “codependent” person might move back in after the parent got them fired), but I guarantee that as long as he has moved out and still working in the same company as her she will do something like this.

I would like to highlight that no mother deserves money simply for raising a child. That statement is just a means of controlling her son who is now moving onto adulthood. My mother said this and I actually felt horrible for a while. My father did the same. The fact that his mother didn’t abandon her son to leave him starving and without shelter or didn’t give him away doesn’t make her a good person. That is the expectation and would not be used by anyone who truly loves her child unconditionally.

I would suggest first trying to hold a conversation with all parties present since it is effecting both of your lives.It likely won’t go well since she likely is a narcissistic mother. From there on you may need to involve police or a civil court. Sometimes the legal system is the only thing that you need to do especially since his mother may try to submit the paperwork under his name.

I also suggest that your bf get therapy because I’m sure there is a lot to unravel there with him being exposed to that since he has been born up until now.

Good luck.

beardmakesthedude 1

Being in management, this is something the store management should know. At no point should this be occurring and if management knew, certain steps would be put in place to handle this.

From one aspect, everything personal is to stop at the door once you’re in the workplace.

From another, it can be potentially hostile to have family members at the same location in a scenario such as this.

From a management point of view, he would obviously need to talk to his manager who would then get with her manager and the store manager. There is easily grounds for a written warning here for harassment.

Also, in regards to any police involvement, this is close to harassment. I’m not too versed in your state laws but “typically” it’s a no x3 for that to be filed (not a police offer or a lawyer so not legal advice here just based off what has happened personally).

I would make sure to keep very detailed notes and call logs along with texts to help keep everything in check.

I had a mother do this to me as well (demanding payment for taking care of me) we haven’t talked in over 2 years (been out of her house 10) and haven’t looked back.

Good luck!

avocado__dip 1

I want to tell her boss that she harassed him

Your boyfriend is an adult. It's not your place to tattle. Let him handle his own family problems.

myfunsecret35 1

Go see a lawyer and also get a protective order against her. He paid for August. That is all she is owed.

Zipper_Eden_Ems 1

I would ask your bf to take this to the police. She's not only harrassing him, but also stalking. It's time to file for a restraining order.

REGi86 1

I would file a report with the police IMO

Glichicorn 1

when your parents birth you, or when you have a child, they are signing a contract saying they will take care of you pretty much. It isn't in any way in their authority to do that. It's like with my parents trying to put a "restraining order" on my girlfriend, brother, etc. you gotta tell them straightup, "it just doesn't work like that " :)

rerolledblunt 0

Had he been paying rent up to then? If so, he would owe her whatever he usually paid for August.

However it sounds like they initially agreed to not charge him that, so they can kick rocks. It's time for a police report. Your bf is an adult and his mom has no boundaries.

cavelioness 0

This might go against the grain, but if you feel it isn't safe for them to work in the same store, possibly your boyfriend should look for another job. Without knowing how they are both regarded by their coworkers and bosses, reporting may or may not fix the problem. It might make it way better, or possibly even worse. His mother will get the chance to tell her side of the story and depending on what she says and who they believe, it could end in her fired, him fired, or just a "don't bring your family problems into work" for both.

laurend34 0

So let me start by saying she sounds insane. But from my perspective when you said that she said " he cut me out of his life" maybe she's hurting because he moved out and she's lashing out and bieng irrational because she feels hurt. i could be totally wrong just but there has to be more to the problem than "my child wont pay rent" because thats ridiculus. hope maybe that perspective helped (:

WeirdGrowth 3

there has to be more to the problem than "my child wont pay rent"

You should go spend time in r/JUSTNOMILr/JUSTNOFAMILY and r/raisedbynarcissists if you think there should be more to the problem and these kids need to be compassionate with this monstrous woman. Plenty of people will happily do horrible things to their kids just to get the material gain they want.

laurend34 -1

I am aware that people are like this. I dont know the whole backstory, i never said this was absolutly the case i was just stating that it was a possibility, and like i started of with , she sounds insane. no need to get defensive.

WeirdGrowth 2

I'm not being defensive, just pointing out that your advice to someone barely out of childhood with an abusive parent to try and be compassionate is actually counter-productive. That's giving the abuser power and would lead the kid straight back into her control. Why would you tell someone to play nice with someone insane?

laurend34 -1

How am i supposed to know her background? What i said was based off of what i read. from what i gathered she stated shes been acting crazy about the money it said nothing else more. and i never once told her to play nice with her, i was simply stating maybe the reason shes acting like that is cause she feels hurt, i never said she was in the right what so ever. and i even said my self in the original post i could be wrong and not know all the facts. so i think you're reaching a little bit by saying i was telling her to be okay with it. im an empathetic person and isympathise with everyone. I didnt go into Op's posting history or life story i was simply stating what a possibility was off of what i read.

mrsrobinson 0

I strongly suggest you stay out of it as much as possible while being supportive to your bf. Someday your bf and his mother may reconcile, and any comments or actions you take now could come back to haunt you later. Family issues can turn into a no-win situation for a significant other.

EnsconcedScone -9

Sounds like this would’ve been avoided if he had just paid the $200 in the first place.

SirStarduster 5

Wouldn’t have helped. It’s always something with these types. If it wasn’t the $200, it would have been something else. And besides, if they really need that money, why give it to the mom when he wasn’t even living there that month?

AnOrangeBackpack 2

Yup. When I was in college my mom demanded me to pay her $300 for the electricity bill when I haven’t even lived there for three months. And she does this shit all the time. It’s ALWAYS something.

randomlyopinionated

Man poor kid. Let him know a random guy on reddit said he's sorry that his mom is such a bitch.

wonderberry77

Wow, what a raving bitch lunatic. That is NOT HER money. The fact that she feels differently is a testament to the fact you are both ignoring her. Keep it up. I have no idea what I would do in that situation, but do not give her that money. If she tries to take it, that is theft and should be treated as such. She clearly is missing her son's paycheck for existing.

heavyblossoms -16

YOU don’t need to do anything unless it involves you directly. If she comes to your job, call the police if you feel any bit uncomfortable and have her escorted off property.

This is his mother, his money, his problem. He can tell her no, he can tell her it’s the responsibility of the parent to spend money on the children they choose to have, he can involve his boss at work. He can cut ties with her and become his own person and protect himself by having all of his legal papers (birth certificate, social) removed from her possession and remove her from all bank accounts.

At no point is this monkey a part of your circus, and that means you’re not responsible to fix your boyfriend’s family drama.

If he is unwilling to do anything about this, I would leave him. You’re young and you’ll be able to find multiple other men who don’t have narcissistic, manipulative mothers that threaten your job security. He fixes this, he cuts her off or cuts back on communication, he buys you two groceries, or you find someone with a backbone and a little less crazy floating in their DNA.

Cyclonitron

He can tell her no

He has.

He can cut ties with her and become his own person and protect himself by having all of his legal papers (birth certificate, social) removed from her possession and remove her from all bank accounts.

Looks like he's done that too, based on OP's description of the situation.

If he is unwilling to do anything about this

He's taken steps by moving out on his own, refusing to give his abusive mom money, and trying his best to ignore her. Hopefully there are some additional steps he can take, but stop characterizing him as if he's done nothing at all.

someone with a backbone and a little less crazy floating in their DNA.

WTF? How is he the crazy one; what is this 'sins-of-the-blood' crap you're implying? You need to re-read the OP if you think he's being spineless.

anabanana1412

How does he lack backbone? Because he didn't want to make a scene during his work hours? He already cut her off so I really don't see your point.

2creepy4me2handle

Oh, my God. Really?? My mother is NPD bonkers. She is a skilled stalker, and with a little more than 10 years as an adult, I have learned what steps to take to stay off the radar, but it involves some extra work to stay hidden and giving people a short warning that has a slight chance of them thinking I'm crazy too. But it's worth it not to have a horror movie awakening to her having climbed some fences, snuck inside the house, and stood in my bedroom in the dark. How disenheartening it is when people cast the stigma of crazy family on me after all my years of dealing with her crap, my going to counseling, and my figuring out what meds to take for PTSD and anxiety (so I don't repeat the cycle). I worked hard to have excellent mental health.

HawkofDarkness

Why are you even here giving relationship advice when you're in no way qualified to do so? What guy besides the desperate or the crazy would want to be with someone like you?

jankbombshell

This reminds me of me (f22) and my boyfriend (m26). Recently his mom has been asking for up to $300 a month for a $70 phone bill of his each month. Last month I gave her the $300 so she would let it go, and then last night she attacked him saying “when’s the last time you paid your phone bill? I need 300 from your next paycheck! Immediately!” I confronted him about it and told him we need to sit her down and tell her we can’t give her the money, but I feel like she’ll just freak out and bully him about it until she gets what she wants. Meanwhile, my boyfriends sister is almost due with her first child and she’s gotten all of these brand new* things, including a iPhone X, with help from her mom so I know she’s not hurting for money. It’s almost like she wants an allowance for raising him. I’m frustrated, idk OP, you’re not alone, and she definitely doesn’t have any rights to that money.

theyellowpants

Why doesn’t he call the cops she was clearly tresspassing after hours

Shanashy

So she went from wanting $200, then $400, now $800. What's her reasoning for this, other than putting food on the table and giving him a home to live in? She's his mother, it's literally her job to provide for him until he moves out. She has zero right to anything other than the original $200 he agreed upon. She'll have no legal claim to it, as any judge would probably laugh her out of the courtroom, so she's wasting her time.

If she keeps harassing him at work, tell him to get it on camera, then go to the store's manager and make a complaint that he doesn't feel safe at work. It shouldn't matter that they're related, and a problem employee harassing other workers should be enough to have the manager sit her down and tell her it won't be tolerated.