On more fun sized advice

Do you think abortion should be covered by basic healthcare?
Of course it should. We’re insane not to make that shit safe, free, and readily available to every last woman in the country.

I am a young man who wants to toughen the fuck up. Any ideas?
Um, I dunno, prison? The Marines?

To buy an iPad or not to buy, that is the question. I want it to have a camera, should I wait?
Yes. One more week. Trust me.

Why would a guy that likes a girl ignore her over the phone, yet, clearly show that he’s head over heels in person?
Proximity to your pussy.

Why does being thin mean you have good genes? Can I not have awesomely curvy, Christina Hendricks-like genes? Bitch.
Sure, you can have awesomely curvy genes. You can also have inappropriately personal reactions to things that have nothing to do with you. Get the chip off your shoulder. Bitch.

Do you think your life would be different if you didn’t have those good genes?
Yeah, and if my grandmother had balls she’d be my grandfather.

The man I’m fucking is in love with my best friend. He treats her with respect, and he treats me like nothing. Guess this is what I get for fucking him, right?
No, this is what you get for thinking your vagina is a hole through which respect passes.

I would admire you so much more if you weren’t so damn materialistic. I mean in all honestly, how much of your life can you base off of designer clothes and drugs until you get bored with yourself?
I’m not materialistic. I like pretty things. There’s a difference.

Would you do Hank Moody?
Are you kidding me? Fuck yes. I would do things to David Duchovny that would send him crying all the way back to sex rehab.

Does a greater satisfaction to you come from helping others, or being internet famous?
Dude, I’m anonymous for a reason. I loathe fame.

What do you recommend as a stylish alternative to the pacifier when you’re on a massive ecstasy bender? I chain smoked all night last night and I want a way to control my grinding teeth without waking up with vocal chords that feel like breaded, fried spaghetti.
Higher quality drugs and some chewing gum, you numnard.

What do YOU think happens when we die?
We rot in the ground for a hot minute. That’s it, dude. Our consciousness simply ceases to exist. Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. You didn’t exist for the first fourteen billion years, and you won’t exist for the next fourteen billion either.