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“Bad council” (Aliens from Nibiru)

Few have taken body makeovers to the extreme that Joscelyn Kelley has. In 1992, she left her body to make room for Jelaila, who hailed from Nibiru, the 12th planet in our solar system. Jelaila did not reveal what planets 10 and 11 were, and Pluto had yet to be downgraded at the time of this interplanetary possession.

Jelaila took control of Kelley and trained her to be a galactic messenger and founder of the Nibiruan Council. In this role, Jelaila does more than pass on messages from invading body snatchers. She also interprets Nostradamus quatrains and sells colon cleansers, vitamins, and books. It’s multi-level marketing meets Star Trek, and Jelaila is both at the top of the Pyramid and commanding the Enterprise.

Per its website, the Nibiruan Council is comprised of “members who are connected to the people of Nibiru and their ancient ancestors,” who are some form of ninth-dimensional cat people. The Nibiruan mission is to prepare humans to take their rightful place in the galactic community. They do this by having Jelaila sell multidimensional ascension tools, DNA recoding, and exfoliating cream.

They also inspire her to blog. In her most recent post, Jelaila wrote, “When ascension plateauing occurs, we move upward in consciousness, until we reach a point at which we are unable to move forward. What is needed is a boost, something that will create a wave of energy that propels us forward.” Incidentally, this post was about Cecil the lion.

You see, the concern for Cecil is about to usher in an era of economic prosperity. Cosmic overseers had hit an impasse on devising a new financial system for Earth until the wave of outrage following Cecil’s killing broke the stalemate. That’s because the compassion manifested itself as “an energy that nullifies polarity thorough the ascension process.”

But this process has benefits beyond trade agreements enabled by feline slaughter. It can help you ascend to other dimensions and make it to Nibiru. You purchase secrets on how to do so from Jelaila and the economy benefits, just like she said it would!

But since others have previously paid for this ascension, why are they not aboard the Earth-to-Nibiru trolley? Because ascension is not just a voyage, but a process (with a ratio so far of 0 percent voyage, 100 percent process). Jelaila tell us, “Ascension is an ongoing journey,” and apparently so is paying for it.

Besides stationary ascensions, Jelaila’s other main product is DNA recoding, which she describes as “the process of realigning, reconnecting, and reactivating DNA.” Here’s what you get for rebooting your coiled biopolymer strands: “This takes away physical pains, which are themselves the source of painful memories, which will also be released.” Essentially, you get a compromised sense of touch along with amnesia. As such, you may forget that you’re also receiving clairvoyance and the “reactivating of your psychic glands.” You probably get an upgrade to a triple helix as well.

If you don’t care for oft-delayed multi-dimensional travel or DNA self-splicing kits, you can always go with her magic Epsom Salt. Customer Candy M. reported that salt alleviated her pain, and it served as the conduit for her Niburian guides. The guides let Candy know her damaged liver was going to be just fine and not to worry about having that surgery. Sounds like Candy is off to Nibiru, her time on Earth is almost done.