I’ve been coming on this so wrong. You are right. I have been controlling everything. I’m not good at relationships with men and I have no idea how to have a real relationship with depth and being vulnerable and receiving. I am trying to learn.Your thoughts have made me realize that I need to change that. Thank you for pointing that out and for not giving up on me.

I’m sorry for being controlling too.Thank you for being so patient with me and giving me love despite all of that. I also want you to know that you make me feel so happy when you say that you do love me. I feel so excited that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. You put a smile on my face and my heart is literally bursting with happiness.

I feel like at this moment that I can be vulnerable with you and trust you with how I’m feeling. That’s a huge step for me. I feel like you make me want to be a better woman and person too.

I want to share some of my day with you. I’ve been pushing myself to socialize more and to learn. I’ve decided to go into video editing for a career and have gotten a new computer and learning new software. I’ve been hanging out with friends and new friends and trying new things. I’ve decided to do THM again this summer. Would you do it with me?

I’m excited about the possibility of us talking outside of this place. I feel like you are so vulnerable and loving with me. I’m truly thankful for such a wonderful man in my life.

See, I am untouchable. Sometimes the yearnings are more than I can bare. Other times, it is almost as if I am happy for you when you find happiness with another.

Jealousy. The mark of possession and true love is not possession, is it? But really, it is so much more complicated.
See, the truth is that I feel you. I feel that you are depressed; although, I am certain you want no one to know. If I let you know that I am aware, what does that do for you, for your ego? For your strength at pulling you out of that place, by yourself, needing no other? Yet, if I don’t you will never know the depth of my love. Sometimes that is fine. Sometimes that is okay, ad I am at peace in just knowing. Other times, I need you to know, because my selfish self needs to feel that level of love too.

So I watch as you pursue women, any woman really. Any woman who meets the criteria for emotional support or halfway physical. I watch, as my heart breaks because I do not meet the physical criteria. By the way, they don’t deserve your level of love and we both know that they can never provide for your needs. That is why the jealousy. I feel inadequate to these women, because I feel that you don’t think I can provide for your needs.

That is your cowardice. You refusing to recognize that I was not good enough.

That is fine. There is not enough attraction, I get it. Even if there were, HOW would you and me EVER be a possibility, given the obstacles (not a trigger word from other letters, only borrowed) between us. Yet, I can not deny that you have made me feel, as you do so many other untouchables…

How am I to know for sure that this is real and not a slight of hand or magic trick? How am I to trust that you aren’t showing me an illusion to use me as your personal medication for loneliness? How am I to know that you arent a player, a user?

Still. You. Offer. Nothing.

Silence.

Crickets.

I get those outside. Dime a dozen.

Be friggin real!

Show yourself! Take off your mask!

I swear to you, that I will not judge, so long as you do not judge me.

If this letter tells my own self any advice, it would be: run! He lusts for you to fulfill his loneliness, while you desire true intimacy, and he is too afraid!

So I guesd this is where it all ends? I hope I can be strong enough to stay away from this site. Coin toss I guess

I’m sorry that I never got to meet you. I’m sorry that we didn’t make it through. I thought when we reached three months everything would be okay, and then I started to bleed and knew you were leaving.

I’m not sure why you had to go. I really did everything I could for us, and made sure I was the best home I could have been. I know it’s not my fault. I know you had to leave, maybe you just couldn’t grow. Maybe you were in pain. But I can’t help thinking that I could have done more.. been better. kept us growing or kept you strong.

I can’t play piano anymore. It just breaks my heart now. I wanted so much for you to hear my music.. maybe during a sleepless night it would have helped you breathe.
It feels like my wrists are breaking when I go to play, and though I have music in my heart I can’t bare to hear it.

Sometimes I can’t even look at myself. There is a shame and guilt inside me that is suffocating. Shadows grown and left within. Every landscape transformed so swiftly; pulling the earth and the sky and the sun. And I am left a stranger to this. I am left without my name. Left in search of you.

Thank-you for sharing your breath with mine. Though the time we shared was fated, I remember you with love. I will play the song you left me and feel your heart once more.