Zack: Pygmies are tiny, impotent dark-skinned humans with tiny wieners who get owned by all the normal humans who tower over them and flex their giant muscles and terrify them with their huge wieners.

Steve: Why does it say they live in deep jungles or tropical islands and then show them crouched in some endless savanah?

Zack: Clearly they have been driven out into the open by the civilized peoples. Also they are so small they are terrible at all sports and have surrendered, leaving the realm of athletics to the noble humans.

Steve: It sounds like you really hate pygmies, bro.

Zack: It's not about hate, Steve. It's about pride for my human race. We are not against anyone, just for humans.

Steve: I am proud to be a human. Although I would also like to be an owl. Stay up as late as you want and eat whole mice? Yes, please.

Zack: Did I mention that pygmies are really bad at music and their terrible music will never influence the normal human music? Their beep-bopping jungle rhythms will never pollute the natural beauty of harp, dulcimer, and alphorn music.

Steve: I heard they have a tail. And an extra bone in their feet.

Zack:Yes! Tails like the devil, tiny baby wieners, and have you seen them try to dunk on a human? It's a disgrace.

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.