Monday, March 29, 2010

Sorry I haven't updated sooner. If I had I'd have told you that the injects cycle was canceled. Apparently, my RE's clinic doesn't play nice with others and would not coordinate a cycle with a clinic here, in Dallas. At first I was a bit miffed, but then I figured that it was probably best this way. It would have been EXTREMELY difficult for DH, as he can't take any time off while we are here. SOOO, we converted to a natural cycle.

Which brings me to the next thing. I SHOULD NEVER HAVE PURCHASED PINK DYE OPKS!!! Why? Well, because I have only ever used Cl.ear Bl.ue Easy. My RE will not accept the results from any other brand. But, when we went to buy them for this cycle, we couldn't find the CBE's anywhere, so we ended up with a gigantic box of Fir.st Res.ponse OPKs. This was a BAD IDEA! That is usually the brand that I buy for pregnancy tests. The biggest problem is that the pregnacy tests and the OPKs are pretty much identical looking. I can't tell you the type of irrational confusion and rapid heartbeat that occured when I used the first one! Seeing 2 lines on it was really hard for me. I know how crazy it sounds, but seriously. It is still throwing me for a bit of a loop. See what I mean?

This is what I am used to seeing for OPKs:

NOT THIS!!:

Does anyone else see my dilema? I think there should be a rule. Blue dye for OPKs, pink for pregnancy tests. My brain would appreciate it!

I hope you are all doing wonderfully. We have a really spotty internet connection here at the hotel, so I promise to catch up with you all when I get back home this weekend.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Current Ailments: Headache, nausea, exhaustion, dizziness, and general "icky" feeling.

Why, you ask? Well, it may have something to do with AF - who is in full swing and eagerly trying to make my iron-deficient self bleed to death - or it could be that I have spent the last few days dreading this:

I really must be crazy to agree to make it. Being surrounded by items meant for such tiny human beings is nothing shy of torture. This is the diaper cake that I spent nearly 3 hours making for my SILs baby shower today. That's right... I'm going to a baby shower. Not only am I attending, but I'm one of the hosts. Despite the overwhelming sense of dread that I am currently feeling, I am actually quite optimistic that I might survive. Why am I doing this? Because I am so excited for my SIL. This is her first baby, after trying for more than 6 years. She deserves this.

I am hoping that I can replace my own feelings of grief and sadness with overwhelming joy for her. I am in such a strange place; feeling elation for her, and yet crushing sadness for me. It IS possible to feel both concurrently.

My goals for today:

1. Glue a smile on my face and be able to pretend that any tears that may roll down my face are either a) allergies, or b) tears of joy.2. To be able to kindly skirt questions along the lines of, "and how are you doing with all of these pregnancies?" from well meaning relatives. They seem to be unavoidable at family gatherings. There is no reason to be a downer by telling the truth.3. To be a convincing liar. (see #2)4. To try not to allow my mind to wander to the "what if's" that currently plague me anytime I am in the presence of my SIL's. Most of them centered around the fact that we were all just a few weeks apart before we lost our baby.5. Survive with grace.

If I can make it through today, I will have nearly 5 weeks to prepare for the next SILs shower. I will need every. single. day.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In case you couldn't tell, I am a music person. I don't watch T.V. very often, but you can pretty much count on music playing in my house all the time.

Every now and then, a song comes on that I completely relate to my struggle with infertility. Each song signifies a different time during this journey.

I thought that I would share a few of the songs that stand out the most to me. The ones that make me cry, and the ones that make me feel stronger.

After my first miscarriage, I was a mess. I couldn't stand to be around anyone "normal." I didn't know how to deal with what had happened. I felt like even strangers could see how broken I was just by looking at me. After so long, to be handed what we wanted more than anything only to have it ripped away was crippling. On our way to visit another RE to get a second opinion on how to proceed, I heard this song. And I cried.

Stop and Stare - One RepublicAfter our 20th round of clomid, and no pregnancy to show for it, we decided to move on to IUI's. I cannot begin to tell you my feelings on it. It felt so wrong to me. It was not how it was "supposed to" be. This is the point that I began to accept that I just might actually be infertile. It was a horrible feeling. I felt so crushed that everything had to be so difficult. Then I heard this song, and I felt more determined. I knew that I could do it, and I felt like everything would be okay. I know it's cheesy, but it was like a long overdo pep talk. It did the trick nicely.

Stand - Rascal Flatts

When I started blogging, I had a few wonderful ladies that would often read my posts and leave amazing comments that helped me feel less alone. Ashley was one of them. She has been my cheerleader through so much, and I really can't thank her enough. Usually I mute my speakers before I read blogs so that I am not distracted by any music that they may have set to autoplay when the page loads. Well, one particular September day, I headed over to Ashley's blog and forgot to press "mute." The particular post I was reading was about her latest failed FET cycle. I remember reading her words and feeling the tears stream down my face. Even thinking about it gets me all choked up. I was so devestated for her. It was then that I realized that these ladies had become more than just "blogging buddies" to me. They were my friends, and sisters. I wanted them to have success just as badly as I wanted it for myself. When I got to the end of her post, I noticed the song that was playing. It was so incredibly relevant, and moved me very deeply. I have since put it on every playlist and musical device I own.

( I couldn't find the URL for this song, so sorry about the HUGE player)

So, there you have it. A small portion of my IF playlist. I'll probably add more when I become better at finding URL's. ;)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

DH and I have decided to move ahead with a medicated IUI cycle. I'm beyond nervous about it, and have been having nightmares about high order multiples since we made our choice. I just keep reminding myself that I always have this horrible anxiety before we try anything new.

I guess I'm to the point where I have decided enough is enough. 8 natural IUI's. That's enough, right? I am still very, very, VERY scared about it, and trying to justify it in my mind. So far, natural IUI's have been fairly "successful" ( I used the term loosely) in that I have managed to become pregnant 3 out of 8 cycles where we have done it. Which is actually a higher percentage than is usual. Our problem has evolved from being not being able to get pregnant, to not being able to stay pregnant. Will injectibles have any bearing on that at all? No, probably not. So... there is the conundrum I am faced with. It feels like a logical next step, but is it really necessary? I just kind of feel like we have to do something! I just hope that this really is the right "something".

So, c'mon CD1. Let's get this show on the road! The faster we can get through this cycle, the faster I can relax. UGH!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sometimes I have days where I wonder what hit me. I wake up feeling fine but by midday, I'm a mess. Today was just such a day.

For the last year or so, I've been thinking about the massive amounts of baby clothes that we've stored for the past 6 or so years. I ended up saving 5 large bins full of LJ's gently used clothing so that we would have them for "the next one." Well, obviously we've hit a bit of a bump in the road. Still, it's been an incredibly difficult thing to even think about. Each outfit holds such significance for me.

Finally, I mustered up the nerve to make the drive the the storage unit and fish out the many totes. One of my SILs is expecting her first baby- a girl - in May and I figured I'd offer them to her to help out. As I sat in my living room Thursday night sorting through the piles of pink fabric, I was astonished at how much I remembered about each outfit. When I'd find a stray pair of pants, I could remember exactly what top they went with. I remembered which items were given to me as gifts (and by whom), and I easily recalled which items were the first I had purchased for our soon-to-be baby girl. I reflected on the many excited shopping trips I made with DH, where we shopped, and which outfits we bought from each place. It was so bittersweet for me. Looking at all of these clothes helped me remember so many things that I had forgotten, and yet it made my heart hurt so much more to know that all of these experiences are some that I may never have again.

Although I had meant to save only a couple of items, I ended up keeping one of the larger totes - nearly full, because I couldn't bear to part with them. I couldn't help but think that maybe a piece of her babyhood is snugly resting within the intermingled threads of each onsie, dress, and outfit. I kept a particular pair of pajamas, labeled 3-6 months because I remembered putting her in it after an evening bath. Although the true aroma has long since faded, I swear I could smell baby lotion when I placed it near my face. I kept a pile of printed onsies because I remembered that they were the first things that I washed and placed in her dresser, weeks before she was born.

I even kept the darling little pink jelly shoes that I received at a baby shower... even though she never fit in them. I thought about opening the gift bag that they came in, and pulling out the soft "Mommy loves me" bib that accompanied them and then reaching in to find the shoes. They were so tiny! I thought about how my baby would look in them, and how I was sure to get so many comments on how adorable she was, and "would you just look at her shoes?!?" When I got them home, I proudly displayed them on top of the baby organizer next to the bottles of baby wash and lotion. Each time I entered the room, I would look at those shoes, and each time I'd get a little more excited to meet my precious daughter. I simply couldn't bear to give them away.

This afternoon I met with my SIL, J and sat with her as she selected which items she'd keep for her baby. She could barely reach over her swollen tummy to pick up the tiny clothing from within the bins - exactly how I was at my baby shower. I want so badly to experience that again. Watching her progress, with almost the exact same time line (She is due 4 days after LJ's birthday) as I did is even harder for me. It makes it easier to remember exactly how I was feeling at this stage.

The eagerness was overwhelming as the temperature got warmer and my due date got closer. I still remember feeling a gentle breeze and the sunshine on my skin as I walked into the hospital, on Mother's Day to deliver LJ. It's the same thing I think about each spring. The memory is almost crippling now. I wish I would have taken the time to remember such details throughout my pregnancy.

It is so hard to let go. For me, much of today was like admitting defeat. I don't know if I will ever accept that this may be it. That the only babies I will ever hold from here on out, will never be my own. This whole thing is entirely consuming. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what we are missing in our lives. The guilt from these thoughts is almost crushing. We have so very much to be thankful for, and we are surrounded by blessings. I am beyond humbled to know that for whatever reason, we have LJ. She is amazing, brilliant, funny, charming, witty, kind, and an overall delight to be around.

It's just that those adorable pink jellies may remain unused forever. And I don't know if I can live with that.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

WARNING: This is a puke post. Sorry, but it's what's going on right now.

So... PIO=not so friendly.

I am slowly learning that my body absolutely DESPISES this stuff! The last 3 days have left me questioning everything I eat, asking myself "are you prepared to taste it twice?" Really. Gross.

This is my 3rd cycle with the PIO, and so far each has been different. My first was the cycle ending with my ectopic. I took the progesterone for 33 days and although I got sick numerous times, I don't remember being very nauseous. It was more of an all of the sudden thing (which is exactly what happened during my entire pregnancy with LJ.)

My second cycle was pretty uneventful. I felt sick for about 45min. after the shot, but then I was fine for the rest of the day.

This cycle has me knocked on my ass!! The last 2 days, as DH has given me the shot, I've gotten nasty zingers from them. You know, that pain that radiates through your whole hip and thigh? And the worst part of that is that it hasn't gone away! WTF?? I have to sit so gingerly, that it makes LJ laugh. I can't carry my own purse because it rests directly over my injection sites.

And, OH! the nausea! I finally caved and had my Dr. call in some Zofran. Yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary and to celebrate we went to dinner. After our meal, we stopped at the grocery store really quick (yeah, we're total romantics!) to pick up a few things. We hadn't been there 10 minutes before I was hovering over a PUBLIC toilet. (You have no reason to know this, but I am a MAJOR germaphobe!) It was a great anniversary to say the least. Today I am feeling better than yesterday, but then again... Zofran.

The worst part is that this is probably all for not. Assuming nothing has changed since DH's last SA, our chances are pretty much slim if any. Of course his numbers seem to jump around a bit, but still. I'm not holding my breath.

So, that's what's going on in the world of Meim. Anniversaries, painful hips, lots of nausea, and horrifying experiences in public restrooms.

1. I laugh at everything. I mean REALLY laugh. Usually 'til I cry. Like, have you seen this? Makes me cry every time!

2. I hate chocolate. I know, I know.3. DH and I were neighbors as children, but didn't realize this until one of my family Christmas parties when he noticed my cousin (whom I lived with) and told me how he used to throw rocks at her through our back fence. Huh, small world.4. I think I'm a bit psychic. Okay, not really, but I have predicted friends/family members pregnancies with astonishing accuracy through my dreams. It's getting kind of weird. (One time I even knew what she'd be wearing when she found out. OOoooOOOOOooooo, spooky!)5. I am not a fan of watching action movies. Like, have you seen Eagle Eye? It's an awesome movie, but we had to pause it a few times because I was so worked up I was crying. Seriously, it's pathetic.6. I have horrible anxiety. See #5.7. My most lusted after material item is a DSLR camera. If I wasn't such a cheapskate, I'd probably have one (or 3) by now.

About Me

A first-time mom for the second time, after 8 years of infertility - I'm just trying to find my footing in this new place.
I'm a happily married Mom to LJ (born in May 2002), and EJ (aka Miss E, born in August 2011). I'm not sure what the future holds, but right now I don't really care. I'm just so freakin' happy! (FINALLY!!)