An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘the beginning’

I never normally watch TV, I’m more of a book person but at breakfast I was watching the music channels and got bored so I switched to Gok Wan’s How To Look Good Naked. There was a mum who found it hard to get undressed in front of her partner and was convinced her bum was big, by the end of it she was walking down a catwalk in a huge mall in front of hundreds of strangers in a bikini. I find it hard to even look at myself in one. I found it sad how she hated her body when there was nothing wrong with it, but I realized how I don’t really have anything to hide but can’t face the world seeing me.

Then that ended and Supersize vs Superskinny came on. I was fine watching it till there were seven anorexic’s who the program had been following who had been trying to get better. They all said how they wanted to be the happy bubbly people they were before anorexia hit, I’ve been anorexic for most of my life and I realized I had no idea who I could be without it, they all said how much more fun they were without it, I’ve never known what that is like. They showed the anorexic’s all eating these really tasty looking meals and it struck me that if one was put in front of me, I wouldn’t finish because unknown to me, I’ve been going backwards. The anorexic’s were commenting on how it tasted, how they could taste the cinnamon, or how the taste was delicate and how much they were enjoying it, I’d love to enjoy food but I wolf it down as fast as possible to get eating over and done with as fast as possible. I got quite emotional seeing them because I realized what I’ve never had and all the while my partners words were echoing in my head: “anorexic’s think they’re in control, but they’re really not”, which is completely true.

So I made a new vow to beat this, I can’t sit around waiting to get to the top of the list to see a psychiatrist, because by then I’ll be too far gone. I decided to try again and if I can’t do it for me, then I will do it for my partner.