Okay, short recap. OW's daughter and my DD are on same soccer team. I have to see it ALL THE F*&KING time. She and her BH are separated (have been since before the A - I *think*). I do not like to talk to him, never have. Now he is a trigger for me. (He does not know about the A, according to WH.)

So, OW forwards an email to WH (not me!) and he (her BS) is asking it if he has done something because we (WH and I) are "cold" when he talks to us. WTF? Its email says "You two have left me no choice". Really? Choice to do what? You made your choice when you went after a married man. Tell him you were sleeping with MY WH? I'm fine with it telling him. I wanted to, but didn't because of the girls. Didn't want them to have to deal with the backlash.

It received the email from its BS late Friday night - didn't forward - to WH only, not me!- until this morning, after WH was at work. Sent to both personal and work emails. I told WH that it is fishing, looking for a way to wiggle back into his life. Looking for a response from him so it can respond back. If it was REALLY concerned, it would forward email to both of us. My response is no response. Go fish somewhere else. Thoughts?

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Jun 2012

3kids30years♀ 38879Member # 38879

Posted: 2:34 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013

Its emails go straight to spam - but can't do anything with the work email.

WH received the one at work and then checked his spam folder. He did contact me immediately (at least from the date stamp of the email).
I'll have to check and see how to just let it bounce back to it.

Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to lose all three.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal

fourever♀ 30631Member # 30631

Posted: 2:49 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013

I think I would send a note or better, call the bs saying: " Based on your wife's affair with my husband from date to date, please tell her, her continued intrusion is not welcome in our marriage. Please ask her to refrain from contacting my husband and me again."
Just because they were/are separated before, after, during, doesn't really matter. Married is married. No gray line here.
Pull on some bitch boots and make it very clear. And hopefully painful!

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast

StillGoing♂ 28571Member # 28571

Posted: 2:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013

My thoughts are that she's going to keep fishing because she can. If you're fine with telling the BS, tell him. It takes that away from her and forces her to deal with her own shit the way your WH has to deal with his.

The BH being in the dark is also going to continue making assumptions about your behavior.

Don't respond to her but don't be surprised if this continues indefinitely.

"He didn't say "That's weird." He wouldn't have said "That's weird" if a flock of sheep had cycled past playing violins. It wasn't the sort of thing a responsible engineer said." - Good Omens

Posts: 7825 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA

Searchingforhope♀ 38437Member # 38437

Posted: 2:57 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013

I agree with letting her BH know the truth. Why should he be the only one in the dark? I think that is so unfair. Even if you don't like him, I think it's his right to know.

As far as the girls (daughers) I don't understand... what backlash? Is it not possible to keep this between the adults only?

Yes, she may be fishing...and after her BH find out she may wish she never threw out the line.

Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs at the time

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling

Posts: 179 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California

3kids30years♀ 38879Member # 38879

Posted: 2:59 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013

I think I'll talk to WH tonight, after work, and suggest we send an email to its BS and let him know why we are distancing ourselves. It can explain to him if it wishes to. No secrets anymore. Not my problem.

You say you "think" they are separated (I heard that one too), but that does not mean divorce, and perhaps they are using this time in limbo to figure out whether their marriage is worth saving, but he doesn't even know what he is trying to reconcile from!!

The fact that she sent the same email to her BH and your WH tells me that she is keeping her dirty little secret and banking on you and your WH not saying anything since they are "separated." Perhaps his "separation" will lead to "divorce" if he knows the truth.

My advice is to send a strongly worded No Contact letter to the OW, including the threat of harassment if she bothers you by this means again.

And I would DEFINITELY tell the BH what you know so that he can make his own decisions regarding his marriage. She is obviously lying to him, and completely using him by including him in the "why can't we just be friends" email. This is and of itself proves that they are not fully separated as they are talking to each and working as a team to try to keep mutual friends..

I feel so very sorry for betrayed spouses who are kept in the dark, and the people who continue to keep the secrets from him give him much more pain than you can imagine.. That was one of the most painful things for me after D-Day when I was trying to figure out who knew and who didn't, and you definitely don't want to be part of the problem here causing his pain.. Please tell him everything you know. This woman is using and manipulating him, and it's just not fair to him..

Good luck to you..

ETA- Just a thought, but perhaps you are being kept in the dark with these emails as he knows more than he is letting on and is trying to deceive you, as he doesn't think you know the truth. I really think it's time for an honest conversation with the BH..

I am with fourever... That kind of an e-mail to the BH would answer his question and leave her with a huge fish to fry, since she loves fishing so much.

Further, I would have your husband reply and add to it that any further contact from her will be considered harassment and you will be forced to take legal action protecting yourselves and your family from such harassment. That should shut her up- or give you a one way ticket to an attorney's office for a restraining order. Either way, not your problem anymore.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2013

Searchingforhope♀ 38437Member # 38437

Posted: 1:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013

Just sending you lots of support and ((hugs))..

Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs at the time

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling

Posts: 179 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California

guarded♀ 25364Member # 25364

Posted: 5:30 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013

I am not sure what the "you leave me no choice" is supposed to mean. Does she plan to tell your daughter?

I'd respond by email to her BS, explaining her behavior (A with your H) and cc her as well. I would also comment on failing to see why she would forward and share what was obviously personal correspondence b/w them with another married man.
Just saying, that is pretty low if you ask me.