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Monday, November 12, 2012

Baby's Eve

I was in my bathtub surrounded by bubbles and I looked down and saw my baby bump. There we were, just me and her. No doctors, no chaos, no answers, no news. Just her little arms and legs poking back at me as if to say hello. She was warm and safe in her little home that she had made for nine months. Even though my belly looked big, I know it was actually small relatively speaking. I was only measuring 32 weeks pregnant with 6 days til my due date. Just a reminder of how small she actually is. With emotions on high alert and worries running through my veins, I was reveling in this calm moment where it was just the two of us. Where everything was okay.

Tomorrow is her birthday. 11-12-12. Have you ever been on the verge of something big, something HUGE happening where you knew the exact moment in time when it was going to happen? The only other time in my life when I felt very nervous, anxious and excited was my wedding day. I knew that day was a forever day. I know tomorrow and what we will learn tomorrow is a forever day too. It is so surreal... waking up in the morning like a normal day... and then right on time, she shows up to her birthday party at 4:30PM. It is then and there we get to meet our daughter. Will we get a good glimpse of her? Will we get to hold her? Will there be lots of doctors working quickly and rushing her to the NICU? Will she be placed in our arms with smiles all around? I don't know. And not knowing is where the anxious emotion comes into play.

Although many have prayed for God to give this little girl a miracle and have her arms and legs miraculously be average length... I can say that I have not prayed for that. I don't need to pray for that. I believe God is capable of miracles, but one is not needed tomorrow for that purpose. I think she IS the miracle. And I have been reserving my prayers for a healthy baby with achondroplasia. Yes, it is true that various complications come with this diagnosis. We are aware of these complications and awaiting any news tomorrow and in the next few days that will indicate the level of these complications. Several experts (including geneticists, neonatologists, genetic counselors, obstetricians and our pediatrician) will be awaiting her arrival ready to perform their once-over and specific tests. This is where the nervous emotion kicks in.

With Clay, we thought, "Let's not be nervous or worried until we have something to be nervous or worried about." A good approach that helped us remain calm and when there was nothing to worry about, a sense of relief flooded over us and we were just able to celebrate this new baby. This situation is entirely different... we know this baby's chances for certain complications are so much more likely. This time around we feel like we are sitting on a wobbly fence and we can fall off either onto the green pasture or into the mud. 50-50 chance for either. The thing is, if you land in the grass... great. You can spend the day celebrating and have a picnic lunch picking wildflowers to your heart's content. But if you land in the mud... what would you do? Well, I know I would stand up, change my clothes, wash my face and get back on that fence. Just because you fell in the mud doesn't mean you can't get to the green pasture at some point. And tomorrow, we will take moment by moment, step by step and know that somehow... we will get there. News is news and there is nothing we can do about it. We can only control how we react to it.

And while I have these emotions of anxiousness and nervousness... I would have to say I have an overwhelmingly sense of calm as well. I know there is only one reason for that. If Corey and I were going into tomorrow and going into the surgery room alone or by ourselves, there would be zero sense of calm. But we have God who will be watching over us and this baby girl with such a long prayer list from so many people, that there is a feeling of peace knowing that He is in charge. And even if she is whisked away to the NICU, He is there. He is love and she is love. How can we go wrong?

Behind the surgery room doors, we will have our families waiting and pacing back and forth just dying to hear the news of our baby girl. Behind the hospital doors in our communities, our state and across the country, we have more family, friends, and those we are yet to meet but are already connected to, just hoping to hear about her arrival. The last emotion that is the most prevalent of all, is excitement. I am certain that all mommies and daddies can relate to this emotional roller coaster and also felt all of these emotions on the days their children were born. Excitement best describes how I feel tonight and how I feel about tomorrow... the big day. Tomorrow, we get to start a new chapter in our lives. One that is quite different from the one we were going to write. The pages of this chapter are going to be dog-eared by us and others. It is going to be a chapter of hope... of perspective... of learning... of love.

After a seventy degree day, the wind is howling outside my window. I can feel the blast of cool air on my toes. The weather report shows a 30 degree temperature change between today and tomorrow. With it, rain, wind and maybe snow flurries also on the way. Yes... change is a-coming. I knew this baby girl was going to start a movement... I think it is so ironic that the weather is reflective of that. Tomorrow is going to be different than today. Tomorrow is our new beginning, our first step, our daughter's birthday. Tomorrow is going to be amazing.

A sneak peek at her nursery... a frame with her first name initial is going to go above the crib. TBA!

8 comments:

Wow, your beautiful story and your complete joy brings me to tears. I would love to meet this little perfect being soon! God bless you Leslie and your family, I know God and his army of angels will be with you on this very blessed day!!Nikki Cook

It is wonderful that you are sharing so many feelings and emotions with so many of us through your blog. There is no doubt that this precious gift you will receive today is meant to be with you. God bless you and let us all smile when she gets here to begin her new life.

It is hard to write through the tears... Of admiration for your clarity of purpose, your love, the beautiful way you frame the truths you are all facing... She is a little angel coming to touch your lives and those all around her. I wish you the safest of journeys and all the love I can send to you.Irina