A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

Only in Britain? -
Extracts from Tenants' Written Complaints to Councils.
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

LORRY driver Dennis Jackers was last night celebrating the first anniversary of starting to overtake fellow trucker Bob Mellows and the creation of a tailback described by the UN as a “crime against humanity”.

Jackers drew level after about five months
Mr Jackers shifted his top of the range Scania R620 into the outside lane of a two-lane section of the A1 in South Yorkshire at the end of September last year in an attempt to overhaul Mr Mellows, who was also driving an R620.
By November the front of Mr Jackers' cab was level with the rear bumper of Mr Mellows’ truck as the two raced on at 50.0001 mph and 50 mph respectively having built up a queue of traffic 72 miles long behind them.

By Christmas Day Mr Jackers had managed to edge his lorry almost level with the first set of rear wheels on Mr Mellows’ trailer while the traffic jam now stretched from the edge of the M25 to the Fort Kinnaird Retail Park near Edinburgh.

However, after starting out as deadly rivals the two drivers have now become great friends, sending each other Christmas and birthday cards and regularly hopping into each others cabs for games of Mah Jong.

Mr Jackers, said: “Bob is a great guy, he’s sensitive and caring and extremely generous sexually. I don’t ever want to overtake him. I just want to travel life’s highway at his side forever.”

Colonel Bradley Pace, a UN traffic observer, said the jam was the worst he had seen since the Iraqi army got stuck on the road from Kuwait during the first Gulf War after coming up behind a 26-foot Elddis Crusader Super Storm caravan being pulled by a Morris Minor driven by Mr Jackers' parents David and Enid.

He said: “We are committed to the peaceful resolution of conflicts and major traffic snarl-ups through discussion. But on this occasion we think we should just blow the fuckers up.”

Robert Preston, 43, a photo-copier salesman from Clydebank who has not seen his wife since February after becoming gridlocked on the A1 just outside Stevenage, said: “Kill them all, kill them now.”