The government has raised its terror threat level from amber to red today after a string of 'serious and terror inducing' threats of a comeback tour were released by Irish boy band Westlife via their official Twitter account. 'All early indications suggest that this threat is genuine', announced Twitter UK boss Mary Beard. 'Although we would ask for the public to remain calm whilst we work with police in substantiating the exact details of these worrying claims'.

The band, who mercifully split in 2012, was comprised of Nicky, Shane, Kian, Mark and Brian, and were first unleashed on the public by record producer Louis Walsh in 1998, and proceded to offend ears across Europe for over ten years with a series of nauseating ballads. The first Twitter threat, signed 'Brian', claimed a comeback tour could begin 'as soon as November', although no official date has been confirmed. The Twitter community were left in a 'terrifying limbo' as the tweet cruelly concluded with 'maybe see you soon...!'

One Twitter user, who said the band 'filled his house and life with ear pain between 1998 and 2004', said he read the tweet whilst stuck in traffic: 'If I would have been moving at the time there would have been a serious accident', weeped the father of four girls. 'For me these guys were like ear terrorists. They radicalised my daughters with their brylcreem fuelled, soppy propaganda. Now we have to emigrate to Helmand Province - music is banned there, we'll be safe'.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said: 'Of course we take threats of this nature extremely seriously, but we must stress that there is only so much we can do to prevent something like this happening. I would advise Westlife to just take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror. Preferably the one I wrote 'just fuck off' on this morning'.

When asked about rumours circling that the threats made by Westlife had triggered similar announcements from boy bands Hanson and Backstreet Boys, the spokesman said: 'If that is true, I'd strongly suggest the public to cover their ears and just run like hell'.

Shurely the Helmand valley rather than Baghdad? Somewhere music probably really is banned and shows the lengths needed to go to.

For the ending, maybe take something really said and twist it about. e.g. 'The police say they cannot realistically prevent this kind of thing, so it's down to Twitter to take a long hard look in the mirror. And perhaps Westlife could do the same, preferably in the mirror that I wrote 'Just fuck off' in backwards earlier today.'

Thanks, Yikes. This was Nibbed as you may have seen. In fact, I've just looked at the response on Twitter which is actually funnier than the story. It seems I may have confused a handful of Westlife fans. Some quotes below: