22 Ways to Be a Modern Military Man

The modern military man has not changed very much since the dawn of warfare. Sure, we have the F-35, ICBMs, and Blue Force Trackers, but men who engage in land warfare are still classically trained warriors who merely use technology as an improvisational tool.

For the modern military man, it is about complying with a code of honor; the etiquette of the “man-at-arms.” An unspoken — yet universally known — set of principles.

1. The modern military man knows just how far he can kick a severed head.

2. Unencumbered by inferior knives and cutting tools, the modern military man opens MREs with his erect penis.

3. Before going out on patrol, the modern military man loads his mags half-full, forcing him to use his Kevlar helmet to finish off his enemies.

4. The modern military man prefers single malt. But he’s not picky.

5. The modern military man doesn’t brag about threesomes. Both of them were fatties.

6. The modern military man has actually killed a baby seal. Maybe dozens.

7. Ever a student of history, the modern military man can quote from such literature as “Aliens” and “Full Metal Jacket.”

8. The modern military man can shoot a yak from 300 yards away with his rigid penis; 50 when flaccid. He is a grower, not a shower.

9. The modern military man doesn’t waste a JDAM. He knows a bullet will work just fine.

10. The modern military man is considerate and timely. When he writes back to elementary school children, he does so expeditiously and tells them in vivid detail about the horrors of war.

11. The modern military man still tips the hooker, even after he finds out she is a man.

12. The modern military man is a humanitarian representative of his government. He always checks the MRE for pork products before giving it to the prisoner chained to his bumper.

13. During coitus, the modern military man knows that finishing on his lady’s face isn’t degrading: It’s a compliment and very empowering.

14. The modern military man has seen fire and he’s seen rain. He has also made it rain fire.

15. For easier access, the modern military stows his “sand wife” with the MRE boxes in his vehicle.

16. The modern military man pisses on enemy dead, but only to avoid tracer fires.

17. The modern military man doesn’t mind a little collateral damage on the battlefield. Or in the bedroom.

18. When asked how many people he killed “over there,” the modern military man will only say he has a tattoo for each one. And if you are lucky, he will show you every single one of them.

19. The modern military man is a fatalist. He knows if he isn’t killed in action, throat cancer and cirrhosis aren’t far behind.

20. The modern military man is nurturing. He knows which hard liquor puts his child to sleep the fastest.

21. The modern military man knows what makes the green grass grow. And he waters it regularly.

22. The modern military man cries, but only when emerging from water in slow motion while hip-firing two M-60 machine guns. And he cries often.

How to avoid urinalysis until you can get a wax

We’ve all been there — standing around formation, smoking, joking, putting your hands in your pockets, not realizing that you’re about to get called for urinalysis. Should you have gone to get a wax last night instead of playing video games and drinking Monster? Probably, but now you’re going to have to show off that bush to most of your command team. Unless …

Here are five easy tips from Duffel Blog to skip urinalysis until you can get a high and tight for your low and loose.

Find the barracks aesthetician:

Every unit’s got ‘em — the guy or gal that probably shouldn’t be offering European waxes or Brazilian sugaring from their barracks room, but it’s quick and saves the day. If you’re lucky, the barracks aesthetician is also on the piss list, and can knock out a quick strip before you’re done chugging Gatorade. You can probably get a quickie tattoo with SkilCraft ink at the same time. Just don’t expect a warm towel when you’re done.

Create a religion:

This tip comes from Marine Corps Lance Corporal Kelsey Miller, who popped on the urinalysis list when her pussy was looking like a Devil Dog. “I just made up a religion where women are only allowed to trim and never wax,” Miller told the Duffel Blog. “To really sell it, I had to make up a jayjay trimming hymn that I sing to myself during urinalysis.” Sources report that Miller now gets special religious accommodations for the holy month of Bushtember and will be giving the invocation at Staff Sgt. Miller’s promotion ceremony.

Keep your hands over your fur at all times:

This one works great for guys or gals! Nothing to see here, just cover it up Adam and Eve style. Your cock watcher doesn’t really want to look. And, if he does think it’s odd that you always cup yourself to pee, ask him repeatedly why he doesn’t.

Go AWOL:

There’s no way that you could live with the shame of presenting your body in its natural state to a disinterested third party. This is what you do. You leave your CAC and grab the little urine sample bottle. You fill out the label correctly. You walk with the observer with the cup visible. You get to the designated bathroom. As the observer stares at the floor while you drop trow, you run. Don’t pull your pants up, just run. Keep the cup visible at all times. When you hit the front gate, strip off the rest of your uniform. Leave the cup. Assume a new identity. You’re free now. Finally free.

Test positive for drugs:

You’re going to need to squelch the rumors about your wild crotch woodlands with another, moister rumor. Nothing beats the stigma of pubes quite like actually testing positive for drug use. Here’s the best part — there’s a waiver to stay in after testing positive for drugs, but there’s no rumor for looking like a 70s porn star! Let the paperwork catch up, soldier.

Fake an Abortion:

For all people in the military like to talk about abortion, no one actually knows what an abortion is. When your name comes up on the urinalysis list, tell your first sergeant you can’t test because you are having an abortion right at that minute. In the chaos and confusion, let everyone know that it’s a women’s right to safe and timely access. Wheh! Dodged that close call.

Duffel Blog guide to safe for work porn sites

Feeling a little lonely while you do your shift at the duty desk? Pulling night watch in the motor pool and feeling a bit amorous? Or has it just been awhile since you got your ashes hauled or your clam slammed?

Well, we hate to break it to you (if you didn’t already know), but most units use network settings to prevent you from visiting porn sites at work. We can’t help you convince those busybody nerds at IT that it’s only natural for a good soldier to beat his meat or flick her bean once in awhile, but we can point you in the right direction to enjoy some good-enough-for-now porn at sites the filter software doesn’t block!

Workout and diet sites

You’ve got a job that requires you to be fit and healthy, so it’s only logical that you’d be allowed to visit sites for exercise programs like Crossfit, P90X, and the like. Many of these sites don’t just have pictures of hotties doing exercises in very little clothing, but also feature message boards where users can post before/after pics. You can find a lot of real and almost nudity in this treasure trove. Ditto with websites for diets like Atkins or Whole30.

Tattoo enthusiasts

If you’re running a tattoo parlor or magazine, you need a website to get your work seen by prospective customers. And you can’t show skin art without showing skin. If that intricate linework is coincidentally close to a nipple or dong, that’s not your fault, right? You gotta show those boobie tats, otherwise where is the spice in life?

Plastic surgery and breast cancer survivor groups

This is a fantastic way to get quite an eyeful, as plastic surgeons offer photographic proof of their good work. You’re not looking at porn—you’re doing research for your health! Just remember, if you print any of the pictures for later use, don’t leave them lying around in the printer tray.

The girls who need bigger tits because they’re not pulling in the dick they thought they would are one thing. But there’s also the girls who have booby cancer, and have had boob jobs because they got their real ones chopped off. It’s an empowering thing. You are helping cancer survivors celebrate their journey by looking at their tits!

Fashion

Lots of aspiring models and designers put their portfolio up for no charge, hoping to attract work. What morons. They also compete to be the most eye-catching, and nothing catches the eye like a nipple or butt artfully arranged to look like it’s accidental. Of such things glory is made. And jizz.

Art and photography

Deviant Art isn’t just for deviants! It’s also for people who want a socially-acceptable way to look at naked stuff while at work. This is the most well known, but there are legions of websites dedicated to “art” that are really just pictures or drawings of people in various states of undress. Deviant Art even has an “erotica” category right in the navigation bar! It couldn’t be easier! “Boss, it isn’t porn, it’s art!” you’ll be able to say as you gesture with your monocle and polish your spats. And he won’t be able to say anything because you’re so fuckin’ fancy.

So get out there and start beating or flicking, you sexy bastards! They can’t say anything about these SFW porn sites!

Advice: Ask an NCO’s Signature Block

I love my boyfriend, but there’s one thing I don’t love about him: his chain smoking. When we met, he’d occasionally have a cigarette at a party, but things got stressful at his work this year and now he smokes constantly. I’ve talked to him about stopping, but he says that I don’t understand how difficult things are for him right now. Our apartment reeks, I’ve developed a case of bronchitis that won’t go away, and I hate being near his smell. Am I being unreasonable? Help!

–Smoked Out Girlfriend

Dear SOG,

LEADERSHIP is not about a ROLE isn’t about a GOAL. If you can’t believe, you can’t achieve. It’s about the HUSTLE.

Hooah,
Signature Block

Dear Signature Block,

A group of NCOs always goes lifting together on the weekends. They always come back with personnel issues resolved or new training ideas. That’s great, except they don’t invite me. I’m the only other person of the same rank in the company, and I feel like I’m being excluded. How can I ask them to include?

–Left out Staff Sgt.

Dear LoSS,

Good, Better, Best. Never Settle ‘till your good is better than your best. Are you in the team or on the team? It is not the strongest of the species that survives, not the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change. “Charles Darwin”

Respectfully submitted,
Signature Block (P)

Dear Signature Block (P),
My husband and I had out dream wedding last month. One strange thing happened, though. Even though his platoon sergeant had been very supportive of the wedding and helpful in the planning, he didn’t attend the wedding. Should I be worried?
–Frowning Observant Bride

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: CrossFit tips for beginners

Soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines! Are you looking to get into a hot new fad/insane death cult? Are you interested in looking like you’re working out, but not really working out? Then CrossFit might be for you!

You should know that doing CrossFit is not like your normal workout. Here are some tips to help you quickly acclimate into the fitness program’s unique culture.

1. You need to have a pre-workout drink. Get a clear plastic cup with a metal shaking ball and mix up a big ol’ batch of Muscle Milk, Protein Shot, Crea-Splode, or Kentucky Nightmare BroYoke Mix. Add a shot of bullshark semen to get that extra kick.

2. Wear appropriate attire. as little as possible. Men, wear Ranger Panties and preferably no shirt, but if you do wear a shirt, make it as moto as possible — something from Grunt Style, Inkfidel, or RangerUp about slaying bodies or something. Ladies, wear a tiny sports bra that shows everything but your nipples, and shorts that are so small that people can actually see inside your butthole — but remember to scowl furiously at any guy you catch checking you out!

3. Use weights that LOOK like they are hundred pounders, but are in actuality just 35s. This will make you feel super yoked without having to actually build muscle.

4. Pay zero attention to form. If you’re worried about proper form, you’re not doing it right, and you’re probably gay and a commie. Why do you hate America?

5. When performing the exercises, lift with your back, not your legs, and be sure to use wrenching, jerking motions rather than smooth extensions. We’re not making a calendar here — we’re making YOU fucking YOKED!

6. At the end of each set, throw the weights down like you are furious at the floor. A proper final rep is only complete when the bar and weights have penetrated through the flooring into the upper mantle of the tectonic plate.

7. Be sure you don’t call it a “gym.” True CrossFit can only be done at a “box.” They may be completely the same, but they’re not at all the same. Calling your CrossFit box a “gym” is a sure way to out yourself as a n00b.

8. More terminology: it’s not a “workout plan,” it is “programming.” Be sure to call it programming.

9. Wear those little gloves with the fingertips cut off like you’re Michael Jackson in the BAD video, even if all you’re doing is wall balls, burpees and rowing. Because swole motherfuckers have to keep their hands soft and delicate. It’s for when you’re jacking off your swole bros in the locker room. I MEAN UH, IT’S FOR BETTER GRIP. ON BIG VEINY DI — UH, ON THE WEIGHTS.

10. Constantly talk about CrossFit. Talk about it at work, at school, at church, while eating, pooping, driving, during coitus, and when called upon to testify before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

So with these quick tips, you’re ready to hit the box and do your programming and get a great time on fun Workouts Of The Day, which have names such as Fran, Horace, and Emilio Estevez, which totally isn’t weird.

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Stephen King gives your weekend safety brief

Rubbers. Too many times I avoided the use of a prophylactic. What else can I say about this? The truth? The truth is that the first time you get The Clap is one of the most unnerving experiences of your young adult life.

There was a time when I was young and stories didn’t much matter to me — of course, today is as good a day as any to talk about those old days; halcyon as they were.

All said, there are and have been moments throughout this life where my ability to ignore sanity for the sake of a good time has been legendary. You don’t go through a life with a name like Chadwick Foreshadow and expect to be considered any type of normal. Normal and I are estranged.

The second time I got The Clap was while on a trip through Bangor, Maine. In those days, Bangor was on the up and up as a factory town. Industrial enough to keep some around, but not always.

Can’t say much about the woman I was with back then. There were rumors about her, but I didn’t much mind. She wasn’t going to be my wife. At least, that’s what I told myself. We were along for the ride.

If you ever get an opportunity to avoid The Clap, I would encourage you do so.

Because the sensations are otherworldly. The discharge. Burning. Sensations. Standing above a toilet that should be filled yellow that isn’t filled with much else besides milk. And when the liquid does manifest, it feels as if it is being accompanied by the tentacles of a creation outside of our known universe.

Drugs were most often my catalyst. Can’t say I’m proud of those days, and if I could make a suggestion I’d say to avoid most of the drugs running through your mind right now. The powders, syringes, ground up leaves and chemically sprayed potpourri from the depths of Hell. Have you seen the briefings and the pictures of what these things can do to a man’s testicles if used improperly?

I have.

The fifth time The Clap entered my life was one of the worst realizations. The bender that I found myself on put me somewhere within a desert. It’s hard to remember where or why. But the hotel room could tell you. I’m sure those walls still hold the memories of a thousand screams and mourning as my soul understood that two things were about to start that day: a hangover, and painful urination due to the massive amount of properly conducted hydration the night prior.

Sins are still sins, and I took responsibility for those actions by ditching the room and running away from those responsibilities.

Let me tell you, that was a mistake, because the walls really could hear more than they let on, and those walls had friends of near untold abilities of both clairvoyance and frightful timing.

The screams still fill the dreams of my evenings.

“Don’t hit your spouse.”

“Don’t drink and drive.”

“Call me if you need a ride, but seriously don’t.”

All said through the lips of a clown that did and does not belong to this mortal coil. Blue eyes, blue lips, and an icy white skin tone that was spiderwebbed in blue veins the way my bloodshot and hungover eyes must have looked during the first moment we locked eyes.

The clown discovered many things about me in the months and years after our initial encounter. Enough to now claim alimony, as there was also a marriage involved.

But the ramblings of an old man who has had The Clap a dozen times should not bother you so.

If there’s one thing I could impart, it would be to be safe while going through this life. Because you never know when a rabid dog may try to rip out your throat, or a vampire may visit you in Alaska (I’m told that’s a real thing on some of those military installations), or you may even get struck by lightning if you decide to go boating during a thunder storm. Life does those things to people.

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Walt Whitman gives your weekend safety brief

O Corporals! Lance Corporals your fearful week is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the ale you sought is won;
The port is near, the smoke and beer, but soldier loses bearing,
While follow eyes on open thighs, the outcome grim and daring:
But O E-1s, E-2s, E-3s! O the promise of early bed
Where on the deck my troop there lies,
Fallen drunk instead.

O Sergeants! My Sergeants rise up and hear the bells!
Rise up–for you the blame is flung–for you will catch my hell;
For you the late night calls and pay the law to bail
For you they all, the requesting mast, their crying faces wail;
Here Captain! dear father!
They’ll beg beneath my head;
It is no dream you’ll swab the deck,
And scrub the brick bulkhead.

This Captain does not answer, his lips are tight and still;
This Father does not wish you harm, he garners no ill will;
If the ship stay anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage good clean fun;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, more libo will be won;
Exult, E-4s, ring forty-eight bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the line, Your Captain spies,
And waits with breathless dread

10 things successful veterans do every day

The strongest veterans are successful after they leave military service.

Read on and discover the things you need to do in your DAILY ROUTINE in order to become a SUCCESSFUL VETERAN!

1. Wake Up

Whether it’s at 6am or 3pm, or in a bed or on a piece of cardboard, all successful veterans wake up at some point during they day. After they wake up all successful veterans begin to do things that are difficult to do when they’re asleep. Do this every day and you’ll be like a veteran in no time!

2. Masturbate

Whether it’s spanking the monkey, jerkin the gerkin, or slambarizing the ol’ meatjabbing glapperpole, successful veterans pleasure themselves on a daily basis. After years of combat jacks, veterans are adept at masturbating at odd times and in dangerous conditions.

Follow their lead and masturbate with the windows open, in the office break room, or while yelling at women on the street. Masturbate several times a day and you’ll be welcomed into the circle of veterans with open arms.

3. Gain Weight

Successful veterans put on at least two pounds per day. Veterans know to continue their active duty diet of an entire pizza and 2 liter or Coke for dinner. If you’re not capable of causing a ship to list you’re not going to be a successful veteran, but fear not! You can be the guy wearing an XXXXL Navy t-shirt struggling to walk up a flight of stairs.

4. Grow A Beard

Successful veterans were in the military and had to shave every day, so they like to let loose and grow a beard. The most successful show their individuality by copying trends in facial hair or imitating celebrities. Can’t go wrong with the Becks!

5. Take Pain Medications.

Whether it’s combat wounds, chronic pain from ruck marches, or the mental trauma of never deploying, nobody leaves the military intact. Every successful veteran takes a handful of pills to get up and another handful to crush up and get high. Become a successful veteran and get a cocktail of pills from the VA.

The strength of your prescription will be doubled every year, no questions asked.

6. Drink

Every successful veteran downs a minimum of nine beers a day. The truly great have several drinks in the morning, down a bottle of whiskey at work, then drive their kids home from day care. Children of the most successful veterans know to get their daddies a couple of cold ones from the fridge then go straight to their room without making any goddamn noise.

7. Tell People They Used To Be a Big Shot

Successful veterans spend a lot of time at the bar reliving past glories. They prove their toughness and grit by talking people into buying their drinks for free. The most successful veterans make up stories about losing friends in combat. Others repeat funny things their drill instructors said in basic.

Be like a veteran and tell your war stories. Don’t worry if you’re stories are all lies; theirs are too.

8. Sell T-Shirts

Every successful veteran starts a t-shirt company on a daily basis. Designs include, but are not limited to, 35 American flags, bald eagles attacking a man in a turban, or the slogan ‘Veteran. FUCK OFF.’

Many successful veterans steal a design from another store, change ‘Ft. Benning’ to ‘Ft. Polk,’ and pass it off as their own. With Cafepress and pity sales from their families, these businesses make just enough for successful veterans to think they’re legitimate entrepreneurs.

9. Make A YouTube Video Of Themselves Holding A Gun

Successful veterans know everyone wants to hear what they think. That’s why every day they’ll film a video of themselves with a rifle. This shows they are the most successful of veterans and people should care about what they have to say.

For best results, have a woman in an American flag bikini standing behind you.

10. Bitch About Political Correctness

This country’s going to shit because everyone’s becoming sensitive pussies, and the only people left who tell it like it is are successful veterans. Many like to complain about how they don’t like things that are happening in an organization they’re not a part of anymore. Be like successful veterans. Be brave and tell the world how you refuse to bang fat chicks.

Now you KNOW the HABITS that make veterans so successful! Follow these simple tips every day and you’ll be A SUCCESSFUL VETERAN in NO TIME!