I enjoy Zachary Levi. He was funny in Chuck, and he’s tall, handsome and nerdy, which is my perfect boy. So I’d been really hoping he’d get some acting work that wasn’t just voiceover roles, because, while he does have a great voice, have you seen him?

Well, now you have.

But they’re putting him on the Heroes reboot, which sounds like just a terrible idea, and I didn’t even start watching the original series again when they put Veronica Mars or Ray Park on there, so why do they have to waste Zachary Levi on this WAHHHHHHHH!

I know I’ve been overreacting to things a lot, but I’ve got a legitimate beef here and — OH MY GOD WHAT IF THEY MAKE HIM GO BLONDE LIKE THIS AGAIN NOOOOOOOOO.

So there’s celebrities I want to slap for no apparent reason other than their faces annoy me. (I’m really sorry, Tom Hanks. I know you don’t deserve it!)

There’s celebrities who deserve a good slap for being the spectacular oxygen-sucks of nastiness that they are. (I am air-slapping in your general direction, reality television “stars!)

Then there’s celebrities that really surprise me because I think they would be going around slapping people all the time and they don’t.

Here’s 10 of them.

1. Christian Bale. After his on-set verbal explosion and the way he (allegedly) beat up his mother and sister, I was really expecting him to go on a slapping tour of America. And then he didn’t. That was really surprising.

I mean look at that face! Deep down, you know he wants to slap you.

2. Nicole Ritchie. She just seems like a slapper, you know? But I think she actually uses her fist. Odd, that.

Seems like a hair puller too.

3. Tyra Banks. It just seems like more episodes of America’s Next Top Model should end with Tyra slapping all hope of modeling out of some of these girls, but she never does. If it wasn’t for giant pendulums, that would really disappoint me.

Bitches, I'll show you fierce!

4. Richard Belzer. Not that he strikes me as the diva type, but it just seems like a Munch-ish mannerism, you know? “Don’t lie to me like I’m Montel Williams!” *slap!*

Maybe a good pistol whip is forthcoming, I don't know.

5. Kristen Bell. She must have some great bodyguards, because otherwise I would expect her hand to get sore, all the slapping of geek stalkers she should be doing.

I mean, some GREAT bodyguards. She's just asking for trouble.

6. “Sylar.” I don’t remember the actor’s name and I can’t be arsed to look it up, but it seems like someone who’s been trapped on Heroes this long and could do better would really be slapping more people by now.

For Christ's sake, Milo! Sod off! I mean it!

7. William Shatner. I expect the slapping almost as a tic from him. “Hey, Bob, how’s it going?” *slap!* “Oww, William, why’d you just slap me?” “I didn’t slap you!” *slap!*

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three! The left ear, the right ear and the final frontier!

8. Jillian Michaels. Yeah, she’s a little butch to be slapping, so I know you’re thinking, but wouldn’t she be punching people? Except I think she knows a slap is much more demeaning, so she would do it. Constantly.

In honor of Heroes’ Claire bellyflopping even further into BORING at the season finale, I introduce this fictional character battle.

It’s got Wolverine in it, so I expect this site to rocket to popularity, because Wolverine makes things do that.

Sure, one’s a grizzled Canadian with a leather suit and adamantium claws and one’s a cheerleader who’s dabbled in lesbianism, but they do have one thing in common. Angst. Oh, wait, two things: Angst and the ability to heal from any sort of injury, up to and including ones that cause immediate and utter death.

Cheerleader-y!

So very grizzled.

Let’s get down to it, then.

Physicality. Cheerleader Claire is a cute and perky blonde cheerleader. Some people are into that sort of thing. Wolverine has crazy hair and is short. Except in the movies, where he is portrayed by Hugh Jackman, which means Wolverine wins. Winner? The Hugh Jackman version of Wolverine.

The Hugh Jackman version of Wolverine wins at EVERYTHING.

Makes things popular by their very presence? You wanna sell a Marvel comic book? Slap Wolverine on the cover. All he has to do is play a game of pool with Doop and boom! You’re set. Cheerleader Claire, on the other hand, had to resort to experimenting with lesbianism to get people to watch her crappy, crappy show. Winner? Wolverine.

X-Statix was an odd comic book.

Is a badass killer type? As far as I know, Cheerleader Claire hasn’t killed anybody. I don’t know because I only watched the first five or six episodes of Heroes, and skipped most of the Peter bits, because he is a damn wiener. So maybe Cheerleader Claire was murdering all sorts of people in those bits or since then, but I’m pretty sure not. Wolverine, on the other hand, is an assassin trying to make good. Usually by killing people, which kind of defeats the purpose. But they’re bad people! But purpose defeated. Anyway, winner? Wolverine.

Looks good in a cheerleader uniform? Let’s just assume this category is a gimme for Cheerleader Claire, because a Google search of “Wolverine cheerleader” only found me a picture of a stupid mascot that might or might not be an actual wolverine. In any case, it doesn’t look particularly good in its uniform. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.

I mean, I GUESS that thing could be a wolverine, I don't know.

Survived their own death? Yes, as a matter of fact. Clair had a thing sticking in her brain. Lead pipe, piece of dead tree, I don’t know. As soon as that came out, she closed up her open chest (autopsy, you know), and took off. Wolverine gets killed, like, every other issue of X-Men, and he’s just fine by the next. Winner? It’s a tie.

Hangs out with cooler people? As mopey as the damned X-Men are, they are nowhere near as mopey as the heroes in Heroes. Seriously, why do all these super-powered people have to be so angst-y??? Wah! I have an awesome superpower! Why is life so hard? Stop whining, you whiny little bitch superheroes. Winner? Wolverine, but only because that damn wiener Peter Petrelli is the whiniest wiener that ever whined. Or wienered. I hate you so much, Peter.

Has daddy issues? Hey! You know who has daddy issues? Cheerleader Claire does! Cheerleader Claire has daddy issues all over the place. She has them left and she has them right. So many daddy issues! Wolverine doesn’t even have one daddy, let alone two of them, like Claire does. Poor Wolverine. He must be so lonely. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.

Probably because of the glasses.

Uses their healing power for good? Wolverine is trying to redeem himself for the whole super-assassin thing, so he hangs out with the goodiest goody superheroes known to Marvel comics. He does good deeds all over the place, like fighting Magneto, a guy who controls magnetism, with his adamantium (read as: metal) claws. Wolverine is not all that bright. Claire? Claire gets rescued a lot and recently belly-flopped from the top of a ferris wheel or something, I don’t know. I guess it’s good to reveal your superpowers to the world? Because they won’t want to dissect you or anything? Winner? It’s Wolverine. Claire’s pretty useless.

And, just because I hate Heroes SO MUCH, the final category is: Has adamantium claws? Wolverine has adamantium claws! He uses them for snikt! Cheerleader Claire has no claws, adamantium or otherwise, and thus does not snikt. Winner? Wolverine!

SNIKT!

Overall winner? You bet your sweet caboose it’s Wolverine. What kind of geek would I be if Cheerleader Claire had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this battle? A poor geek. A very, very poor geek indeed.

As a child, I played a game called “Superheroes” a lot. Basically, it involved my brother and I running around and hitting each other and saying, “No, I have lightning powers” or “No, I can phase through walls.”

The basic rule was: we weren’t supposed to have the same superpower as anybody else playing. This became problematic when our friends came over, because all the good powers got used up pretty fast. (Another rule was: you can’t be Superman, because that’s major unfair.)

Here’s some lame powers that if Stan Lee came up and was like, “Hey! Superpowers! You want some?”, I would have to be all: “No thank you, Mr. Stan Lee, a god among men, sir.”

1. Mind-reading. Sure, every X-man who can read your mind also has some telekinetic abilities as well, but before Jean Grey went all Dark Phoenix on our asses, she could do what? Bend spoons? And, if you’re the unfortunate X-man who can do naught but mind-read, you’re going to know the rest of your more ass-kicking teammates are thinking about how incredibly lame you are, and possibly how those pants emphasize your fat ass.

As a matter of fact, my ass looks FINE, Shadowcat.

2. Time travel. There’s nothing wrong with traveling in time. In theory. But you put it into practice and what have you got? Hiro from Heroes, that’s what you’ve got! Always traveling to the past to try to fix things and making them lamer. Also traveling to the future to try to fix things and making them lamer. He might as well just stay in the present and be satisfied making it lame. Or start using his samurai sword! Jeez! Wait, what was my point here? Oh, yeah, my point was this: What good does it do you to be able to travel in time if you can’t do anything useful once you get to where you’re going, like fire laser beams from your eyes or something?

Wait .... Is THAT how he's using his katana? Could someone PLEASE cancel this show?

3. Invulnerability. Now, everybody wants to be Wolverine when they grow up. I mean, how cool is that? You’re a short Canadian with some supra-nasty hair, but the hot chicks still dig you, am I right, Storm and Jean Grey? Plus you’ve got the whole snikt! factor going. What could be better??! Errr, can you ever, you know, die? Wolverine’s been beat up pretty good and probably laying there with his legs in one pile and his torso in another and wishing for death, but he knows eventually, he’s going to have to drag his tattered remains back over to those legs and try to hook together. Plus, he’s lost everyone he ever loved because he is an unaging, undying freak. Thank god for that amnesia, or he’d be the mopiest X-man ever.

On the plus side, Hugh Jackman!

4. Whatever that power is that Dazzler has. Look, I don’t care how pretty the sparkly lights are that you make with your synth-crap music, if your superpower requires your supermoniker to be “Dazzler,” you have been saddled with the lamest power of all.

Frak the '70s. God.

5. Having giant wings. Sure, you can fly like the birds and all, but where the hell do you store those things? Also, are you any good in a fight now that you have ginormous wings? No, you are not. In fact, you’re a big, fat, winged target for the other supers with far, far superior superpowers. Frak you, giant wings.

Yeah, it looks cool now, but wait until I have to try to put on a shirt.

6. Turning your body into ice. I’ve already given Iceman a hard time for this, and, really, kid should take a lesson from the far superior Elijah Snow on how to use his powers, but why, why, WHY would you want to turn your body into ice? It’s like, hey! What’s more breakable than the human body? Ooooh, ice! I know, I’ll turn into that!

7. X-ray vision. This power would be all right when combined with several other powers, such as super-strength to punch the hell out of the wall you just x-ray visioned through or the power of super-thievery, but on its own? Ooooh, I can see through stuff. Ooooh. (The “Oooohs” are sarcastic.)

Oooooh!

8. Shrinking. Batman never said, “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, so I shall shrink down to actual bat-size to fight them.” You know why he never said that? ‘Cause that’s stupid. Ant-man, Atom-man and the rest of you, sure you can get into places that the rest of your super-powered friends can’t, but those places aren’t very awesome anyway, plus, now a rat can kick your ass. So lame.

Gods, Ant-man, could you be any lamer? What's that? You beat your wife? I stand corrected.

9. Invisibility. First off, you’ve got the whole “scientifically speaking, you’d actually be blind while you’re invisible,” but what does science have to do with superpowers? Nothing. So, anyway, you’re invisible. Now what? Are you stronger? Faster? Shooting laser beams from your eyes?? No? In fact, you’re more likely to get hit by friendly fire now that your teammates can’t see you? How useful! I mean, c’mon, they didn’t give Sue Storm the ability to make force fields somehow because being invisible is so awesome.

Clothes or go naked? Clothes or go naked?

10. Being Aqua-man. Hey! Guys! Wanna fight me?! Come get me! Yeah! Come in the water! Where the sea creatures do my bidding! Come on! What are you, chicken? You’re chicken, aren’t you? You know, we call dolphins the “chicken of the sea”! Or is that tuna? Anyway, c’mon! Let’s go! Just hop in the water! We’ll fight! I’ll whomp you good! Just hop in the water! Hey! No! Stop walking away! Stop! Walking! Away!

Gee, I wonder what the outcome of this fictional character battle will be? Not to show any bias or anything….

Anyway, down to background information. Rogue is a member of the X-Men whose superhuman ability to absorb others’ life energies gives her their superpowers for a limited time and also kills them if she touches them for too long (I am going with traditional Rogue mythos, here, people). That damn wiener Peter Petrelli is a character on Heroes, which is the most misnamed TV show I’ve ever heard of, like it should be: “People with Superpowers Who Whine a Lot and Who Cares if that Title is Too Long.” Or “Heroes: All the Whining, None of the Heroics.” Or “Whining Whiners Who Whine, and Have Superpowers.” Anyway, that damn wiener Peter Petrelli has a superpower similar to Rogue’s, except 1) he doesn’t kill people with his touch; 2) he keeps all the powers he absorbs; and 3) his power quit working at some point or something? The hell?

God, I hate that guy and his little TV show too.

Y'all know that you're basically me with a penis, right?

*Giggle* Rogue said "penis."

On to the battle!

Physicality. (Yes, I tried to spell it wrong again.) Rogue is a pretty little Southern thing with a white streak of hair right in the front, which is how I hope to go grey someday. (You know, when I’m old. Not now, because I’m not old. Shut up, people who know my true age.) In the X-Men movies, she was played by Anna Paquin, who is an adorable sack of cuteness and is also part of a television series about vampires which, though I have never seen it, I can only assume is better than Heroes. Because duh. Everything is better than Heroes, except for reality TV shows about people who don’t know what birth control is. Peter Petrelli is supposed to be quite attractive. I guess? If you’re into that sort of thing? (That sort of thing being mopey, skinny guys with emo hair.) Winner: Rogue. Anna Paquin is just so cute!

Appropriate use of whining? Occasionally, Rogue goes off and complains because blah blah blah whine whine whine can’t have any sort of physical (goddamn that word) contact without killing someone. Wait, actually, that is a good reason to whine. Jesus. Poor kid. Peter Petrelli? “Oh, woe is me. I’m the most powerful person ever, but I’m just such a damn wiener, I never use my gifts to their potential. Also, my mommy likes my brother better.” Well, can you blame her, Peter? You’re such a damn wiener. Winner? Rogue.

Friends with Wolverine? Winner? Rogue. Like Wolverine would ever hang out with a damn wiener like Peter Petrelli, I don’t care how Canadian he is. (Wolverine is Canadian, not that damn wiener Peter Petrelli.)

I wish I was friends with Hugh Jackman's Wolverine.

Better costume? Well, it kind of depends on the series, but Rogue has worn everything from the nasty X-Men spandex of the ’80s to goth-girl attire to black leather. At any rate, it is always the epitome of superhero fashion for the decade. Peter Petrelli? Has no costume, the damn wiener. Winner? Rogue.

Won’t kill you with a touch? Winner? That damn wiener Peter Petrelli, although his personality is such a black hole that you might wish he would kill you with a touch.

Coolest villain? Rogue has gone up against a (heh! heh! heheheheheh!!) real rogue’s gallery (heh!) of supervillains, from Magneto to Apocalypse to some other villains that I don’t care about. Peter Petrelli, however, has gone up against his brother, Sylar, Sylar’s eyebrows and himself from the future. Winner? Rogue, because one Peter Petrelli is too damn many, stupid show.

Gahhh! They're coming for you!!

More powerful? Tragically, that honor goes to that damn wiener Peter Petrelli, unless his powers quit working again for whatever reason. Then again, Rogue’s powers sometimes quit working because whatever, right? (Goddammit, comic books, stop testing my love for you.)

Hangs with a cooler teleporter? The teleporter in Rogue’s world is Nightcrawler, who is a blue (-skinned or -furred, whether we’re talking comics or movies) German (you can tell because he says “der” a lot) with a tail and weird feet. When he teleports, there’s a whiff of smoke and a smell of sulphur. Bamf! The teleporter in the poorly named Heroes is Hiro Nakamura, who is Japanese and also a time traveler. He does not “bamf.” Winner? This is a tossup, as Nightcrawler is pretty cool and Hiro is the only redeeming quality on Heroes.

Also, HIRO, Nightcrawler has a sword too, and he uses it the way it is meant to be used. For skewering people.

Lucky in love? Rogue has an on-again off-again relationship with Gambit (in the comics) or Iceman (in the movies). Voyeurs, perhaps? Peter Petrelli, that damn wiener, left his girlfriend in an alternate future and is dating one of his costars who plays his niece. Ewwww. Winner? Peter Petrelli, I guess, ’cause he can actually, you know, get lucky in love. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Yeah, yeah, so earlier, I led all y’all to believe that I might start watching Heroes again now that it has Ray Park in it. I love me some Ray Park, and yes, I did watch that horrible Ecks vs. Sever movie, but that was only an hour and a half of my life, plus my friend made popcorn and gave me beer, so it wasn’t that bad. Heroes, however, is one hour every week. One hour every week. I don’t think I could do it even if Bruce Campbell guest-starred.

And, as I may have mentioned before, Bruce Campbell is a god.

Why, you ask? (I know you asked it because I can heeeeearrr you.) Here’s why:

1. That whiny bitch Peter is still in the show, right? Someone shut him up, and stat. Ooooh, poor me, I’m like Rogue only without the killing people by touching them, wah, wah, wah, boo-hoo.

I'm so emo, you can practically hear my hairdo moping.

2. I assume Hiro is still not living up to his potential. I gave up on Heroes halfway through the first season, when I realized I was only watching the Hiro/Ando scenes and skipping the rest. And then I realized I was only watching their scenes to see how much Japanese I could pick out. (Answer? Not much. I felt really, really stupid, unless they were counting, and then I was like, “Ichi?! I know that word! That word means one!!”)

3. By living up to his potential, I mean killing people with his samurai sword. He’s not doing that, is he? I didn’t see that future episode, where Hiro was all bad-ass, but it sounded almost worth watching, what with the … kill people with your samurai sword already! That’s what a samurai sword is for!! Cripes!

I wanna watch a show with THIS Hiro in it!

4. Nathan is dead, but Sylar isn’t dead, but Sylar is Nathan, and he just came back from the dead. What the bloody hell, show? What. The. Bloody. Hell.

5. Ray Park is playing Edgar, whose superpower is speed, like Daphne, not martial artistry? Seriously? You have Ray Park and you give him a superpower that doesn’t emphasize his actual real superhuman ability to kick your ass? God damn you, show.

And why did you have to put him in those godforsaken pants?

6. That guy who wrote the good dialogue is gone again. Apparently, the dialogue really improves when the Pushing Daisies creator is on the show. I wouldn’t know, because I stopped watching before he showed up. In any case, he came back after Daisies was canceled, and is now gone again, as per that first sentence I wrote.

7. Claire’s still a moron. Hey! I can spontaneously regenerate and heal and such, which is a skill sure to make scientists want to disect the hell out of me. I will now demonstrate this power in plain sight of tons of other people, because I am a dumbass.

8. Of course, she is related to that wiener Peter. I hate you so much, Peter. So. Much.

9. They’re still dropping plotlines like mad, aren’t they. Yeah, whatever did happen to that damn wiener Peter’s girlfriend who got trapped in the future? And that little girl who could find all the people with powers? And the invisible guy?

10. Mohinder is gone? Does that mean his voiceovers are gone, too? Wow, I was wrong! That does improve this season!