When it passed a recovery plan that may as well have been printed on Charmin, Scranton City Council signaled that there is no depth of desperation it is unwilling to plumb as the city goes down the drain. Denied a commuter tax and so far unable or unwilling to realize their other fantasy revenue projections, Council President Janet Evans and Co. unveiled the latest doomed scheme at Thursday's meeting.

The headline on the front page of Friday's Times-Tribune says it all: City looks for cash in sewers.

The city wants to sell the Scranton Sewer Authority, which is obligated to complete $140 million in EPA-mandated upgrades over the next 25 years. No one knows what the authority is worth, and whatever money a sale might raise would be used to pay the authority's debts with the remainder going to Scranton and Dunmore, the city's partner in the authority.

The city's budgeted expenses for 2013 include paying a $17 million arbitration award to the city's fire and police unions and a $5 million increase in pension contributions. This maybe money from a sale that hasn't yet happened is already spent.

But it's a good deal, especially for SSA ratepayers on the hook for the EPA mandates, Mrs. Evans said.

"A sale to a national or a global company would allow these increases to be spread among all its ratepayers rather than solely Scranton and Dunmore ratepayers," she said.

In Mrs. Evans' fantasy, some giant international sewage broker will buy the authority and soak ratepayers in London, Paris and Dubai to pay for Scranton's sewer pipes.

Even if the city could sell an asset with so many liabilities, the buyer would be required to honor the $140 million in EPA mandates. A recent 45 percent rate increase would seem like a break compared to future hikes. A public authority raises rates to pay its bills. A private company raises them to make profits.

But why focus on the negative? As Mrs. Evans pointed out, selling one of the city's few remaining assets would also curb "the improper use of vehicles and equipment by a few employees that have occurred since the takeover by the Scranton Sewer Authority..."

So for Mrs. Evans, a major selling point of this deal is that no one will ever again take an SSA pickup truck to the Glider Diner on company time. Thinking doesn't get any smaller than this, but I'll give it a try.

Critics are scolded when they pan the dry ditches Mrs. Evans and Co. routinely cite as revenue streams. It's easy to point out the futility of crackpot ideas, they say. How about offering alternatives?

Really, why should commuters who work in the city get a free ride on the city's overtaxed porcelain and plumbing? They down a lot of coffees, sodas, salads and sandwiches in downtown establishments each business day, and leave behind the by-products as their chauffeurs spirit them back to their mansions in the hills.

Surely there's a progressive pay toilet company looking for a no-bid contract. Imagine a proud city equipped with gleaming digital johns with sensors that can tell when patrons "overpark."

Until council cultivates the magic beans to pay for these "iThrones," the city could appoint bathroom attendants to make sure no one cheats the system. These would be union positions, of course, with full benefits and pensions.

Candidates should apply directly to Mrs. Evans at Thursday's council meeting.

CHRIS KELLY, the Times-Tribune columnist, is full of it. Contact the writer: kellysworld@timesshamrock.com, @cjkink on Twitter

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