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A Stay of Your Hill-Induced Execution

*EDIT*Date below will be rescheduled, once again - this time due to the Team Noah Charity Ride, formerly known as Peat's Hip Ride. We don't want to conflict or draw away from that, being for such an admirable cause. Stay tuned in the next day or two for the final date.

Greetings, Frozen Team Seagal Fans! As you probably hoped guessed, we are going to have to put the "poo" into "postpone" and postpone the Death By Hills ride due to shitty weather. The weather this Sunday is calling for high chances for shittyness, with 3-4" of bullshit expected. And the last thing that you want to be doing is attempting to ride up Babler Forest when your rear tire is spinning, unable to get traction in that slippery bullshit that is sure to be coating the pavement. For many of your, this will most likely make you happier than Criss Angel as he coaches his favorite Swiss soccer team: BSC Young Boys. (Yeah, that's a real team. "Go Young Boys!")

While this is some supremely terrible news, especially for a one-track-minded Rainman-of-a-cyclist like yourself, it isn't necessarily the worst news for the rest of us who have other things we could be doing on a weekend day with bad weather. Some of those things that we, you, or I could be doing other than riding our bikes all day:

researching expensive German carbon bike components to make your fatbike even lighter

researching of there is a Chinese knockoff of that same German bike part that works 70% as well, but costs 80% less, and looks 95% as good

posting photos to social media that make you look way more interesting than you actually are in hopes of making your loser friends jealous

find a new trend in cycling that is just barely budding, and then jump on it early on, in hopes that you can be able to tell everyone that you were in on it first

go drink expensive beer with your friends who also think that the Krampus is too mainstream, and not niche enough

post on some loser internet forum about how the first generation Di2, 7970 series, was the best because it was the most "hackable"

devote time to thinking about how you can make your mustache unique, in a sea of hipster style

have a chocolate mold of your butthole made

As an actual suggestion, you could visit our friends down at Spoked StL Bike Shop on Cherokee, as they are some scrappy and crunk muh' fugguh's. Check out their site and blorg. Coffee is available their, though no word yet on how they plan to brew/ferment their Zambian Streets Blend.

To those of you who will be unable to make the reschedule date, we at Team Seagal HQ, from deep within a Nevada mountain bunker, do sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. We will be issuing refund checks as soon as the funds become released from our Cayman Island account.

Speaking of reschedule date, here is the date we're shooting for: Sunday, March 8th.Same time of day, same place. Next weekend would actually conflict with a meeting for the OT100 mountain bike race, which was such a massive success the first time around. I don't need to publish the time and date, but if you are interested in being a part of that event, and not just showing up to race, then throw us a line, or check the Facebook event page. Besides, March 8th is the weekend of Daylight Shavings Time, and it should be a little warmer. Hopefully it won't rain down bullshit on our parade.

In other news, since this site is primarily about education, the rumor mill has been hard at work recently, regarding the track-director drama currently unfolding before our t'aints. The last rumor was particularly disturbing, as the worst was that the jerk Kacey S was involved with the previous track director, who will be known as "Stefan," in a militaristic ku to overthrow the sprawling Penrose Track bureaucratic complex in a blood-soaked orgy of ultra-violence. Pony tails and cycling caps would be used in ways they were never intended: for political gains. The word was that they even had a secret weapon - a pudgy cycling official whose name rhymes with "Muddy" - and that this official, once activated, would be hell-bent on disqualifying anyone in his path.

Please note the reschedule date, as it is TWO weeks away, not the previous surmised one week reschedule date.

In the meantime, check out this kid shredding the push bike - he's just lucky his little boy-nuts haven't dropped yet:

1 comment:

Mayor
said...

Could I get a "like" from you if I post a video of me riding my new custom 7" tired fatbike hacked with 7970 shifters that with each shift take a pic of me from my integrated toptube mounted GoPro. Plus i currently am brewing inside the frame a secret selection of 50 different hops sourced from remote regions of former communist europe that are specially grown in small crops in south america.