"Word
comes that brother Cat Stevens refuses to lend his support to
our virtuous jihad. May this turncoat's Peace Train be laden with
explosives and rammed into the Mountain of Mohammed, peace be
upon him. "

"The
idea -- if we may use so flattering a term -- was that the
Pentagon would monitor the site and the betting, and thus
get a jump on terrorist acts to come. After all, as the theory
goes (and never mind the whole dot.com fiasco), if people
are willing to put money on something, they must have a pretty
good idea what they're doing.""There's
some thing in our psyche, this kind of right or privilege
to resolve our conflicts with violence. There's an arrogance
to that concept. To actually have to sit down and talk, to
listen, to compromise, that's hard work. To go for the gun,
that's the cowardly act."

"The
recall provision itself was designed as a way for the
people of the state to get rid of a governor who had
disappointed them. Not a bad idea on the face of it,.
but then about 90 years later, reality sets in."

(Photo:
AFP/Justin Sullivan)

25
Dangers of Legalizing Gay Marriage

by
Ross Levine

25. Homosexuals,
having won the right to marry, might next demand the right to reproduce,
resulting in the birth of nine queer babies for every normal one.

24. Family courts
would become even more crowded, making it harder for men and women to
legally divorce so that they can continue sanctifying the institution
of marriage.

23. "Here comes
the bride" would have to be changed to "Here comes Girlfriend."

22. In Utah, it
will be hard to tell if the ten men living together next door are roommates
or polygamists.

21. If two male
Jews get married, instead of breaking a glass to symbolize the loss
of virginity, they would have to stomp on a tube of toothpaste.

(Photo: AP/Mark Terrill)

20. Gays and lesbians
would start demanding even more special privileges, such as the right
to be treated as human beings.

19. The armed forces
would be compelled to alter its "Don't ask, don't tell" policy and allow
openly gay soldiers to be blown apart in Iraq.

18. The term "gay
divorcee" would lose its whimsical charm.

17. The really butch
lesbian girls would have an unfair advantage in catching bridal bouquets.

16. Banquet hall
rental rates in chichi urban areas would skyrocket, as would male stripper
fees, since their services would now be required at many bachelor parties.

15. Speaking of
bachelors, there would be more of them -- and old maids, too -- as many
gays would no longer feel obliged to marry unattractive members of the
opposite sex.

14. Prisons may
see a downswing in "cell"-ibacy as convicts are emboldened to legitimize
their anti-social impulses.

13. Married gays
engaging in promiscuous sex would also be guilty of adultery and would
thus add thousands of years to their eternal damnation.

(Photo: AFP)

12. With both straight
and gay men wearing wedding bands, women may not know a married heterosexual
not to be tampered with from a lost gay soul in need of conversion;
by the same token, men, too, may not recognize an off-limits heterosexual
wife from a lesbian requiring a transformative encounter.

11. There will a
lot more weddings to have to go to.

10. Priests, ministers
and rabbis would be forced to say, "I now pronounce you top and bottom."

9. Couples would
be registering for gifts at pornographic bookshops.

8. Many men would
marry just for the chance to put on a white dress.

7. Sexually confused
young girls would be emboldened to attend their debutante balls in overalls.

6. At the end of
the wedding ceremony, a groom might bypass his beloved's finger and
slip the ring directly onto his nipple, followed by: "You may now spank
the bride."

5. Wedding cakes
could take on phallic and clitoral proportions, not to mention the possibility
of genital ice sculptures.

4. People might
get the mistaken impression that every fag dropping to his knees in
front of another is proposing marriage.

(Photo: AFP/Jaime Razuri)

3. Moral, upstanding
parents might find out in the same moment that their child is a homo
and that they have to pay for a wedding.

2. Simply telling
friends that your son or daughter is married would no longer be enough
to allay their suspicions.

1. Although nobody,
obviously, has yet been able to do a study on this, if gays are allowed
to get married and live fulfilling and contented lives, it will certainly
be much harder to convince them that they're immoral perverts who should
really spend their days trying to be just like the rest of us.

10 December 03

Ross M. Levine is
an author, Marcel Proust marathoner and manatee-hugger who feels safer
on the edge; i.e., in New York or California. He agrees with the King
of Brobdingnag that we're "the most pernicious race of odious vermin to
crawl the surface of the Earth." He thinks Americans have too much freedom
-- fries, that is.

GET

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