A Little Bit Bad. Comedy Writer Alex Kaseberg

Here we use only sustainable, organic and gluten-free seasonal jokes. Comedy, satire, sports, editor and occasional cooking tips writer, Alex Kaseberg. E-mail to - or if you need to hire a comedy writer - alex.kaseberg@gmail.com

Friday, March 23, 2012

Jim Morrison Alta Cienega Motel Room 32

So this is where Jim Morrison crashed before he was in The Doors, right? Wrong. This is where he lived, on and off, at the height of his fame, '68-'70. You still think being a rock star is glamorous? Clearly it was just a crash pad to stagger to between the strip clubs and seedy bars on Sunset and Santa Monica, as he entered his Get-fat-and-destroy-himself final phase.

So goes the flows down to your toes so’s you knows, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks doggy style is what a pet groomer gives.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a rim job is a guide at the Grand Canyon.

Tim Tebow is headed for the New York Jets; to celebrate the hookers in Times Square are offering a Tebow: for an extra $20 they’ll only drop to one knee.

“Jersey Shore” Mike (The Situation) Serrentino is in rehab; apparently you can get addicted to being a douche bag.

A woman engrossed with making an appointment on her phone fell into icy cold Lake Michigan and had to be rescued by her husband. The ironic part? She was scheduling her iPhone addicts meeting.

Two California men on a gay cruise were arrested in the Caribbean for having sex on the deck of the ship. When asked if it happened near the Caymen Islands – where gay cruise ships are banned – one passenger said; “Caymen my ass.” (variation on old Craig Kilborn joke)

Ashton Kucher is set go into outer space on Virgin Galactic; is it just me, or does Virgin Galactic sound like a contradiction? Like Powerfully Impotent.

“Jersey Shore” Mike (The Situation) Serrentino is in rehab; now, I don’t want to imply “The Situation” is a douche bag, but he is being treated for abusing vinegar and water.

Tim Tebow is headed for the New York Jets; hey Tim, in New York, when you think you hear somebody talking in tongues, it is just a thick Long Island accent.

Mitt Romney is so rich he doesn’t play Words with Friends, he plays Words with the Help.

Since you asked:

Have decided to go with two really annoying affectations. The first is stolen from Phil Dunphy from “Modern Family” where I announce the category of the word I use that sounds like hello before I answer the phone:

“What does hospital food taste like? Jello.”

“What does Yo Yo Ma play? Cello.”

The other annoying affectation is I will call anything odd or unusual Beezer. A derivation onBizarre.

That is all for now.

What makes the Jim Morrison hotel room so fascinating is not just the seediness - it makes my depression- inducing studio apartment in Long Beach look palatial - but that it was Morrison's choice. Yes, he and his wife, Pam, rented a shack literally in back of the Laurel Canyon Country Store, but this hotel room was his crash pad of choice.

Morrison had the ways and the means to live on the beach in Malibu, in an estate in Beverly Hills with a stable of polo ponies, or in a glorious hotel penthouse in downtown L.A.

For most of his rock star life, most accounts had Morrison's possessions listed as a Mustang convertible, an American Express credit card, two pair of blue jeans and one rancid pair of leather pants, a leather jacket and four or five shirts. Granted money and stuff cannot buy happiness, but he seemed to be going after miserableness.

Granted, by this time Morrison was a fat, drunk drug-addict, but he could have been surfing, he could have been flying his own plane, he could have been hosting amazing parties at a cookout in Laurel Canyon. Even Charles Manson was having acid orgies and riding motorcycles and dune buggies in the desert.

Morrison chose to drink himself stupid in a dive bar and pass out in a cockroach infested sweaty little dump. Yes, I love the Doors music, but I think their legacy as a great band is overrated. Turns out the most overrated thing was Morrison's rock star life.

If I woke up in that hotel room I would grab myself a beer too. The future was uncertain and the end really was near.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

We gettin’ Qwerty on Gertie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York Mets owner, Fred Wilpon, has been ordered to pay $162 million to the biggest losers in the Bernie Madoff scandal. But if there is one guy who is used to paying millions to losers, it is the owner of the Mets.

I don’t want to say Mitt Romney is boring, but his secret service codename is Secret Service Codename.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, his secret service codename is Fox News.

Mitt Romney is so rich, his secret service nickname is ATM.

It rained so hard in California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with his female scuba instructor.

Charlize Theron adopted a four-month-old boy and said that motherhood is incredible; once again raising the unanswered question: how did any of us raise children without the aid of celebrity’s insights?

“Growing Pains” actor Kirk Cameron said he felt homosexuality is unnatural; that’s fine, but I am going to wait and hear what Urkel thinks.

Keith Richards said he apologizes for saying in his autobiography, “Life” that Mick Jagger’s penis is “nothing to write home about.” Now, I don’t know about you folks, but other guy’s penises is not what I would chose to write home about. “Dear Mom, guess what I saw in the locker room today?”

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How to surf on a SUP

How to surf on a SUP

That was some storm we had here a couple days ago. It was so cold, wet and windy, I was shaking like Mitt Romney shopping at Wal Mart.

To you folks looking to get ready to start grilling in the spring.

What the hell is wrong with you fair weather whimps? Guess who was out grilling in this last storm with vertical rain? You guessed it. Have you ever tried to light a charcoal chimney's newspaper in a downpour? No? Well I have and did. Why, you lazy slackers, I've been grilling every week from Thanksgiving and will continue through Easter. You prissy punks make me sick. Get out of my sight.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Mitt Romney is so rich now he straps his dog on top of a stretch limo.

A Florida woman was walking her dog when a bear bit her on the butt. But the bear did not eat her, he thought she tasted like ass.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks the missionary position is a stance on religious conversion.

In the NCAA tournament game dubbed “The Brain Bowl,” Vanderbilt beat Harvard 79-70. This game didn’t have trash talking, it had refuse-related verbal interaction.

In Washington, DC, George Clooney was arrested protesting outside of the Sudanese embassy; jail is about the only place where it isn’t good to be twice-named “People” magazine’s “Sexiest man alive.”

Clooney was taken to jail where he was booked, photographed, finger-printed, viciously sodomized and released.

Orlando Sanford airport is going to go with private security because they will be friendlier than TSA agents. Are they serious? Between the searching and the groping, TSA agents are friendlier than my date for the Junior Prom.

Since you asked:Payton Manning to the Broncos? Maybe I’m an idiot, but I think if there is one guy who can figure out how to get the best out of Tim Tebow in an offense, it is probably Payton Manning.

Call it a Wildcat or a Mustang or an Armadillo offense for all I care. Manning will figure out how to get the rock to Tebow where he can do the most good. In some type of option/pass/run.

Got a new favorite actress. Kathryn Hahn.

She was such an awesome scorching weed-head beeyatch in "Our Idiot Brother" and she is so clipped, witty and hilarious in "Parks and Recreation."

Saw her on "TTSWJL" and she even has an adorable snort when she laughs.

As I have said in here before, there are two kinds of Midwestern women. The vast majority are funny, fun, down-to-earth, pretty, smart and great to party with, excuse my preposition.

The nasty minority are these evil, two-faced, hypocrite rabid Country Club social climbers like the unholy spawn of Martha Stewart and Hillary Clinton.