Friday, February 17, 2012

Dear Hiring Manager

After a 3 day working interview, and then NOT getting the job, I am left with some questions as to what I could have done differently. I've had a few thoughts as to what may have turned you off, and I'd like to run them past you, if it's not too much trouble.

Was it because I made you all friendship bracelets and then informed you that if you are to remove them before the knot wears out naturally, that something terrible will happen? I was sure to mention that it may not necessarily happen to you, and might simply affect your elderly aunt whom you've offered your home to. I thought that would soften the blow and was a little surprised that you were not more accepting of my gift.

Was it on the second day, when I stole all your shoes and continued to insist that the shoe stash in my bottom desk drawer was, in fact, mine? Yes, I alleged I wore a men's size 14, but it was only because I didn't want you to underestimate me. I, doubtless, should not have thrown the shoes at each of you after being accused of fibbing. However, nobody likes being called a liar, especially when caught in the middle of a lie. Don't act like you have never found yourself in the same position.

I admit, I should not have bit Shirly, the secretary who's worked with you for 30 years. But Shirly shouldn't have used my stapler! You'd think after 30 years she'd know a little bit about office etiquette.

And I definitely should not have bit you after you pried my jaws off of Shirly's collar bone, but you should really know not to get in the middle of a biting match.

I concede, I should not have urinated in my cubicle. But I was concerned you were going to bite me back and I panicked just a little bit. We've all been there.

When you asked me to step into your office for "a word," I truly did believe that playing dead was my best course of action. It was not an act of stubbornness or an inability to work as a team player, which I fear you may have inferred from the situation. It was just pure instinct. On my resume, I expressed that I can "adapt readily to any situation," and I think this should be viewed as an example of that quality.

Lastly, when you managed to carry my body into your office to give me my check for time worked, maybe I should not have sprung up, clapped my hands at you and then threw them above my head in an effort to appear larger than you. But, all due respect, you should not have behaved in such a hostile manner.

I appreciate that you are keeping my resume on file. For what it's worth, getting in a biting match, stealing shoes, and still finding time to make all those friendship bracelets, is an excellent example of my superb time-management skills and also demonstrates my ability to multi-task.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to speaking with you further about employment opportunities within your firm.