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Head+Wall

As I sit here now, I have just completed a book that I am certain, if it has not made me dumber for reading it, it has at least wasted several hours of my life for which I have no hope of recovering. It was one of those books that has so many 5-star ratings on goodreads you begin to wonder if perhaps the whole of those reviewers were not living on some island affected by brain-altering gases and poor mating rituals.

It seems a valid hypothesis upon finishing that epic piece of monster shit. The protagonist was a misogynistic cock-goblin, and the woman was the sort who thinks it’s ok to get physical with men simply because they won’t return it, and also claiming to be strong and independent, while really being a lily-livered shit. Here’s what I wrote on my Goodreads page. (FOLLOW me!)

I lost more iq points by reading this than I would have by huffing paint and watching the Fox News Morning program.

The protagonist is a male-chauvinist, bitgoted, shit goblin who thinks it’s ok to fat shame, (by referring to Martha Stewart as “pudgy”) insult movies by calling them “gay,” calling Hillary Clinton “masculine,” and by treating the women around him like shit.

He calls his sister “the bitch.” He states, very early on in the book, if women want to be respected, they’d act in a respectable way. Because, clearly, it’s completely ok for him to screw everything with two legs and a vag, but the women who are having sex with him, are clearly not respectable.

How is it a WOMAN is writing a book FOR WOMEN (ostensibly) can cast this giant ball of douche fuck as the man we’re supposed to fall for? If Jordan from “The Wolf of Wall Street” and Don Draper from “Mad Men” had an orgy with Bella Swan from “Twilight,” and somehow managed to meld their seed into one flurry of mansplaining chromosomes, Drew from Tangled would be that evolutionary mistake.

The love interest? She’s really no better. She often resorts to hitting and throwing things (drinks, slaps) knowing full well that retaliation in kind will not come. She is petty, and while I no doubt believe the author thought she was writing the character of a strong woman, her actions and quick relenting to Captain Dick make her appear shallow and witless.

This book has enough 5-star reviews to make it appear as though it’s the next To Kill a Mockingbird when in reality it is closer to reading the print bastard of The Bachelor and Real Housewives.

I don’t relish writing bad reviews. In fact, most times, I hate it. The author goes through so much work, trials, struggles, just to get a book to print that I don’t want to disturb that at all. I don’t want to make it less for them. But sometimes, a book hits off all of my negative buttons in such a way as that I cannot stay silent, or simply offer constructive criticism on the pacing or character development. This was one of those occasions. Sometimes, there is a certain joy in reading something campy or terrible. Amy and I oft have a great chuckle over these debacles of literature. It’s good fun! But this book made me want to scream, fight for income inequality, and protest Hollywood double-standards.

I just want women to respect themselves enough to know they are deserving of respect no matter how many people they sleep with or what they do for a living, or whether or not they’re a size 6 or size 26. Books like these don’t perpetuate that belief.

OOOOOsh. Now that’s off my chest, how about an easy, healthy, delicious snack that will knock your socks off?

Chili-Garlic Pineapple

I know, I know, it sounds SO WEIRD! But if you’ve ever had pineapple pizza, or Chinese Pineapple Chicken or those mangoes in Latin grocery stores with chili and lime? You know it’s already a winning combo. I’m simply amping up the flavor by oven-drying these bad boys. It brings out the natural sugars and makes the chili-garlic POP. These addictive little slices are made with crushed Szechwan peppercorns, but you can substitute either pink or black pepper as well. The Szechwan peppercorns have a bit of a different sort of capsaicin in them that has a tongue-tingling effect that I find most pleasing. It’s also great to use when dusting your fish or pork to fry. Incidentally, Whole Foods sells a Szechwan blend in their spice section that would work as well (almost) as the blend I make.

This spice mix IS NOT JUST for pineapple. Use it on every.freaking.thing. Eggs in the morning? CHECK. Steak? CHECK. Mix this shit with butter and spread it on bread the way teens spread Mono? CHECK. It’s life-changing.

1 tbsp grated and air-dried lime zest (grate night before and leave out overnight on a paper towel)

for the pineapple

One large pineapple

juice of one lime or half of a lemon

drizzle of olive oil or coconut oil

Instructions

preheat oven to 200F

slice the peeled pineapple as thin as you can slice it

core the slices

toss in a bowl with olive oil and citrus juice

arrange on a cookie sheet lined with parchment

sprinkle with seasoning mix

bake for 2 hours or until browning and chewy. This could take anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2.5 hours depending on how thick you slice them, so keep a keen eye on the oven. Also, if they get a bit brown, they still taste great.

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8 thoughts on “Head+Wall”

Sometimes, when I read scathing book reviews, it makes me want to read the book. This time, not so much.

On a brighter note – I am so excited that this recipe is not a mushroom one. I thought it was going to be something ‘shroomy and gross when I saw the tiny picture, but instead it is delicious, wonderful pineapple.

I’m super excited to try this pineapple. It looks delicious and sounds way better than the book you read. Your description sounds more entertaining than the actual book. Plus you said cock-goblin. I’ve got to somehow work that into a sentence this week.