NEW YORK (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center has found that writers for the cable network Nickelodeon, featuring children's programs such as Big Time Rush and iCarly, are high on various, primarily illegal substances an average of 22 hours of every day.

"It's fascinating - one might expect that they were high during work hours, looking at their output," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel, who conducted the study. "But apparently their states of inebriation stretch far beyond the end of business hours.

"It seems they need to remain impaired to withstand the ... wait, let me check my notes ... 'depressing, almost soul-crushing nature' of the work," he said. "Interestingly, almost all of them used that exact phrase."

According to the study, the substances the writers used to sustain their almost perpetual state of drug-fueled intoxication seem to vary depending on the show they work on. For instance, the writers for SpongeBob SquarePants, who generally reported the highest level of job satisfaction among the Nickelodeon writers, use marijuana almost exclusively.

Writers for iCarly, on the other hand, use "tremendous" amounts of cocaine to get through their workdays, while writers for the new Fred Show, featuring frenetic YouTube sensation Fred Figglehorn, spend most of the day huffing Dust-Off, a computer cleaning spray.

"It hasn't been officially reported, but for at least three Fred writers, the habit has apparently proved fatal," said Spitznagel. "General consensus among the surviving writers was that the victims were better off."

The constant drug use has had its negative effects on the various productions, particularly when it's spread to the performers, the study found. For instance, police were called to the set of iCarly when Jennette McCurdy, who plays Sam on the show, tore off a stagehand's arm and beat him with it in a cocaine-fueled rage.

"Then there are all those times she did that completely sober," said her co-star Jerry Trainor, who admitted to being "deathly afraid" of her.

The constant drug use at Nickelodeon stands in stark contrast to practices at rival network the Disney Channel, where the writing staffs are reportedly motivated by routine beatings.

"And starvation," added one Wizards Of Waverly Place writer who declined to be named.

Unlike the network's actors, however, Disney Channel writers are not locked into boxes in the studio after work each night. "Disney isn't run by complete monsters," said the writer after one of his beatings.

Nickelodeon has declined to comment specifically on the results of the Pew study, although network CEO Jeff Dunkirk previously confirmed that its trademark green slime can have hallucinatory effects in high doses.

Meanwhile, writers for the Nickelodeon show The Fairly Oddparents declined to comment for this article, releasing a statement through a spokesperson that their addiction to snorting horse had left them unable to speak.

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Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»