Post by flashjohn on Apr 6, 2016 10:56:36 GMT -5

I was reading a lot of the introductions, and saw that many of the refused spouses have had really bad self-esteem issues. I had written this on my blog and I thought it might be encouraging...

First of all, if you are here, you are an awesome person. So how would I know? Well, you had to look for this blog somehow, which means that you were searching for reasons or solutions for your sexless marriage. If you have been looking for reasons or solutions for your sexless marriage, that means you are still married. If you are still in a sexless marriage, that means you are a very caring person because you have foregone sexual fulfillment to have a good marriage. A person who is willing to forego sexual fulfillment is a very selfless and kind person. So by definition, the fact that you are reading this means you are a very selfless and kind person. So you are AWESOME!! See? I am a regular Sherlock Holmes!

Now, I will go a bit farther. Because you know deep down that you are an awesome person, you also know that there must be a reason that you are not sexually fulfilled in your marriage. So you have already done a LOT of self-evaluation trying to figure out how you contributed to this situation. I am betting you have had a lot of deep conversations with your refusing spouse about how his/her cheating has affected you and you have asked time and time again what you can do to change the situation. I bet you even implemented changes that your refuser has suggested, but the refuser just kept on refusing.

Well, now I am going to let you in on a little secret. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Yes, you may not have the perfect body, always say the perfect thing, or have the ideal personality, but NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER!! Also, you should not have to jump through any hoops to have sex in marriage. Sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage, and the spouse who is denying it is the one who should be feeling guilty.

Also, since you have proven that you are a kind, patient person, you will not have any problem finding someone else. You see, some people who are refused sex in marriage will not waste any time getting out. Or they made it very clear before marriage that if sex was not frequent and satisfying in the marriage, it would be over. Unfortunately, since you don’t feel that way, you are a wonderful person. A person of the opposite sex will see that quality very quickly and be very happy to have you.

So don’t worry about finding someone else if you get divorced. You are a wonderful person and you will have people of the opposite sex lining up for a chance at you.

Post by itsjustus on Apr 6, 2016 17:29:25 GMT -5

Wow. Very well put. I'm printing it out, putting it in the envelope with the alimony check to the ex....and to some fellow Opposite-lander's and those still in captivity. I think everyone needs to read this.

Post by zumbamami on Apr 7, 2016 21:57:50 GMT -5

"Well, now I am going to let you in on a little secret. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Yes, you may not have the perfect body, always say the perfect thing, or have the ideal personality, but NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER!! Also, you should not have to jump through any hoops to have sex in marriage. Sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage, and the spouse who is denying it is the one who should be feeling guilty.".

You cannot possibly understand how much this resonated with me today. I was having a normal day, and wondered if there was something I had overlooked in my introspection.

I started down the "what is wrong with me" path, stopped myself and came over here to see what others had posted.

Post by LITW on Apr 14, 2016 8:57:20 GMT -5

I am one of those people with low self esteem. Most of my childhood was spent around people who thought I was not good enough (peers) and people who thought I was not trying hard enough (parents). Its amazing how emotional injuries suffered in childhood can follow you into adulthood. I have learned that there are people who do like me now, but its hard to accept that I am a likable person or a desirable person because of my internal dialogue that tells me I will never be good enough.

As for blame, I am hardly blameless. I am guilty of many things that weren't building up to my marriage. So is my wife. I really don't think there is any case of sexlessness where one party is entirely blameless since we are all human and all have some kind of hangup.

As RumRunner said, leaving is hard, so is staying. For me, leaving is harder than staying, so I stay. Thank you for this post though, as I did need to hear some encouragement today.

Post by petrushka on Apr 19, 2016 0:25:33 GMT -5

I am one of those people with low self esteem. Most of my childhood was spent around people who thought I was not good enough (peers) and people who thought I was not trying hard enough (parents). Its amazing how emotional injuries suffered in childhood can follow you into adulthood. I have learned that there are people who do like me now, but its hard to accept that I am a likable person or a desirable person because of my internal dialogue that tells me I will never be good enough.

As for blame, I am hardly blameless. I am guilty of many things that weren't building up to my marriage. So is my wife. I really don't think there is any case of sexlessness where one party is entirely blameless since we are all human and all have some kind of hangup.

As RumRunner said, leaving is hard, so is staying. For me, leaving is harder than staying, so I stay. Thank you for this post though, as I did need to hear some encouragement today.

"I really don't think there is any case of sexlessness where one party is entirely blameless ....."

Debatable. There are cases where one party is not, not, not going to come to the party. Regardless. And not just talking about true asexuals here. Sometimes we have only ourselves to blame because we didn't listen to what the other told us ... if that's where you would start allocating blame, then probably yes. I didn't really pay attention for instance when my wife more or less revealed that she hadn't had much, if any, sex with her previous husband of 10 years. "We just never seemed to have time to experiment, and at 4 am it didn't really work". What in 10 years?!? Garn. I did not listen properly.

Definitely it's typical that both people in a relationship put their foot in it from time to time. No question. But again, if you're looking at a relationship with seriously dysfunctional interaction, it may, or may not be a case of both people unable to communicate well (and boy have we seen some examples on EP, where some folk just could not get their mind around how to discuss in a constructive manner, but again, if you marry someone who is bi-polar or has PTSD or whatever else wrong with them .... you haven't a show of getting it right. I once met a woman who related her husband left her on the wedding night. I found out why ... after she begged me to let us try to live together and I reluctantly agreed to a trial - the moment she moved in she was a different person (and not a pleasant one, trust me, after a week I threw her out of my bedroom and it took me 3 months to get her out of the house).

And Justus, I am not sure if you remember a few hard cases from back in '09 and '12 ... there were some doozies whom I would not have wanted to get within a bargepole's length of, never mind have sex with, they even got passive aggressive with other members of ILIASM on EP the moment someone questioned their assertions. Not everybody who landed there was AWESOME! {laughs} I think that everybody here at the moment is pretty darn cool though, and hope it stays that way!

Ultimately, I think, each and EVERY case has to be taken on its own merits, every configuration has to be looked at seperately. No brush paints everyone here.

Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 22, 2016 20:01:43 GMT -5

I know it is late in the game but I am considering a change of user name. My old name was a pet name that my husband has for me. I feel that this name keeps me bound to him. I was inspired by military acronyms while visiting my son last week. DeltaEchoEcho is an idea.

frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatableAug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5