The side hug.

This is satire. This is not related to that rap video. As one hate mail pointed out, I am “gangsta as a pocket watch” and as such do not currently possess the flow to create a rap video. Here’s the post I wrote about side hugs in April 2008.

Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.

(Thanks to the handful of people that suggested side hug. I want to side hug you in thanks.)

Comments

Ive Grown up in the church. and im a PK .. shout out to Katy perry! lol.. but im quite fond of a full on embrace.. while you find out alot about a man via his handshake there is alot to say about aman who throws down a great full frontal hug. and think of it this way. what if Jesus only metaphorically sidehugged us.. wed be screwd yall #jussayin.

dude how is a side hug holy?? please explain! and if you don’t know a scripture reference then SHUT UP!!! is this how you witness too? just tell people that it’s somewhere in the bible? let me know how effective that is. when you give me a direct reference in context then I might consider what you are saying but until quit writing this stuff cause it’s bull crap!!

Don’t blame Conservative Christians, blame lawyers! They’ve managed to turn every nursery worker into a potential child molester, at least in our warped, paranoid minds.
And if you want to give me a hug, go right ahead. I won’t sue!

In our area, we call this the “sidewinder preacher hug.” I haven’t thought of this in years, but when my daughter was about 15 or 16, she was ahead of her friends in the “voluptuous” department, having a very good figure. She came home from church with hurt feelings one evening because she said that the the (male) youth worker hugged all the other girls, but not her. She wondered if she smelled bad or he just didn’t like her. I understood; I commiserated; but I remember being a little angry that my beautiful daughter was unhugged and felt unloved.

I’m pretty sure that the CSH started out as a serious suggestion for people to do. When it caught on, so to speak, they realized how stupid it was and claimed it was just a parody. If they’re so worried about total body contact, what’s wrong with a handshake?

Funny thing is, they do the opposite of what they intend–make young people obsessed with sex without the knowledge of how to practice it safely, thus teen pregnancy is rampant.”

“Like so many other, and largely misguided, actions this “side-hug” results in MORE attention, not less, being paid to the “suspect area.” By emphasizing no contact to those areas, the young will be made more aware of them.”

I never thought of a hug as an even potentially sexual or tempting action until some concerned parents reprimanded me about hugging their daughter (I’m a guy.) I still don’t understand the issue of “mental purity” of someone hugging a member of the opposite sex. Not everyone, not even all teenage boys, have those problems!

“In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching.”
In the front hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. If you’re a bit messed up I’m sure you could engineer it and you have obviously thought about it. Stop focussing on sex and start thinking about loving your neighbours. That was Jesus’s message. Stop perverting it freak.

” I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.”
So it doesn’t exist then

This design is steller! You most certainly know how to keep
a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Excellent job.
I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
Too cool!

[…] us to “hug deep.” Perhaps the icon of our strange dating culture is the well parodied christian “side-hug.” We simply don’t know how to be affectionate. We act like we fear the female body. Let’s […]