Weightloss has been S-L-O-W this month, but as of this morning the scale is finally moving again, so Yay. One thing I have noticed is that I’m losing inches like crazy and my body is definitely getting some definition. I’ve never had definition before, unless you count round and gelatenous as a definition. My boobs stick out father than my stomach, and I’ve got bones popping out all over the place. My face is really getting some definition to it now, and I’m losing my chins. Hopefully soon they’ll all be gone. I have extra skin on my neck though, so I stil have a turkey neck – it’s hard to left weights with your chin.

I’ve been working out regularly at the gym. Yesterday, I put in 42 laps. and today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 25 minutes of lower body strength training. It absolutely amazes me that I can put in a good hour workout without dragging by the end, wanting to quit half way through, or wishing that I would just die because it would be easier than working out any longer. That thrills me to no end.

I’m solidly in size 20 pants and size 18/20 tops (depending on who makes them). My bra size has gone from a 48C to a 40B (sob). I’m a mere three pounds away from my next intermediate goal of 232. I will hit that in the next couple of weeks if I have to chop off an arm to do it.

I love my RNY. There is no way that having surgery is the easy way out – I really have to work things – but it has saved my life, that’s for sure.

I know I have a twisted body image, but a comment my niece made to me yesterday really stuck out.

I had posted a picture on facebook (the one a few posts down of me standing on the pier). I think that picture really shows my weight loss – it’s the first pic I have where the weightloss is truly visible to me from a body shot perspective.

My niece saw my picture on facebook and gave me the usual “Wow” comment. I didn’t think much of it until yesterday, when I saw her at my Mom’s. Lauren made the comment that the picture I posted reminded her of when I was 16 and I used to watch her. Wow. Honestly, I really felt I was bigger at 16 than I am even now, but I don’t really remember. I vaguely remember weighing 203 around about the time I got my license, but I just felt “bigger” than that. I’ll have to go back through some pictures and find out.

I still think I’m huge. I mean, come on…I’m still over 200 pounds, and to me, that’s huge. At least in my head. I know that my body is changing, but its changing faster than I can change that mental picture in my head. I see the differences in a mirror, but things like that are hard for me to reconcile. I still look at a pair of jeans when I put them on, now a size 20, and think, “There’s no way these will fit.” And yet they do. The waist on a size 20 jean seems so small to me (after wearing 28s for so long). Honestly, the 20s are even getting a little loose.

So, I’ve been going to the gym like a good girl every morning before work. Five days a week is what its adding up to, and I feel good about it. I try to hit the pool three days a week (IF it is open like they say it is supposed to be) and the other days I do cardio and strength training.

But you see some interesting things at the gym.

In-ter-est-ing.

Like the guy who looks like Jerry Stiller….he’s nearly 80…with shockingly red hair (out of a bottle) that stands up on his head. He wears these bright blue shorts every day, and then black socks with his sneakers (no, I’m not making this up). He had on a t-shirt this morning that said, “You know you want a piece of this.” Um…no. Just No. What’s best though, is that he gets on the elliptical, and for the entire 10 minutes he’s on there, he yells out, “Oh my God…Oh holy cow…I can’t do this…I CAN do this…Oy there’s sweat in my eyes…Oh MY GOD.” Lather rinse, repeat.

And then there is the woman who rides the bus in the morning. She works out like a fiend. I mean sweat pouring from places that I wasn’t sure even had sweat glands. Now, in order to get the 7:00 bus, I usually get the to locker room at 6:30 (so an hour workout), grab a shower, put on my makeup, and get out the door by 6:50. This girl comes INTO the locker room at 6:45 and beats me to the bus stop, which is five minutes away. No shower y’all. None. She changes from her sweaty nasty (and very stinky) gym clothes to a pair of jeans and a turtle neck and then gets. on. the. bus. I will NEVER sit next to her.

And then there’s the hottie gym patrol. The guys who come in just to show off their muscles to the girls running around in tiny exercise outfits – you know, the ones who don’t actually work out at all, but chit chat by the ellipticals and weight machines hoping to catch a man. the ones who put on make up to work out. The Baltimore chickies with the teased high hair. Yep – them. And the guys who drool over them – in jeans and muscle t-shirts lifting weights that are way too heavy. Ugh.

So, I’m stalled this week. I’m not sure why, but I know I’ve gotten away from journaling my food and exercise, so its time to get back to basics and find out where things need to be tweaked.

I have a feeling that I’m not getting enough good protein in since I’ve joined the gym last week and my workouts have intensified. I’m doing an hour in the mornings now, and I don’t think my caloric intake is enough to balance it out and my body is freaking out, holding on to everything that goes in. Plus my cycle started this week, and that always throws off my weightloss. I want to get OUT of the 230s this month, and I’m quickly running out of month.

First of all, Happy St. Paddy’s Day. Enjoy a green beer for me, since, well, beer is no longer on my menu.

But that’s not why I’m here today. I was thinking this morning on the bus, I’ve been nagging Mr. G quite a bit lately about what he’s eating and the fact that he’s not exercising. I am not a nagger, first of all, and everytime I hear myself say something, I cringe. I keep promising myself that I never want to become one of “those people.”

“Those people” are the self-righteous health nuts. I mean, that’s just not me. I’ve literally spent my entire life obese. In fact, my entire adult life, until the past couple of months, I was super morbidly obese. Not healthy at all, and killing myself daily with poor habits and bad food choices. I would cringe when people would lecture me on my food habits, or my lack of exercise. I’d cringe even more when I found myself saying excuse after excuse as to why I didn’t, or downright lying about what I eat or how much activity I got.

The criticism made me feel bad. And my self criticism made things even worse. I mean, people said some mean things to me. Some of them had well meaning behind them, but they hurt never the less. I kept thinking, “Walk a mile in my shoes and see what its like.” I never wanted to become one of those people who scrutinized everything that went into someones mouth.

But now, I do that with my husband.

In all reality, I fear for his health. His physicals say he’s healthy, but his cholesterol is boarderline at 202 and he carries a lot of weight around his middle. He already has pre-disposition for diabetes being latino, and the extra weight around his belly increases his chances for diabetes and heart disease. And to top it off, we know absolutely nothing about his dad, what his risk factors might be on that side of his genetic tree.

I love my husband, and I want him around for a long time. I try to have healthier foods in the house – I have to for me, and I try to make sure he gets some of that healthier food. I buy low fat everything, and stick to proteins that are lean and dense. But he’s got a sweet tooth and a junkfood habit.

But I don’t want to be one of those people who says, “Are you sure you should be eating that?” or “Do you really need something else to eat at 8pm?” Those things come out of my mouth though, and I remember how it felt when they were said to me. They killed my self esteem.

I fully recognize that I have a food addiction. It’s a hard thing to deal with – knowing that you are addicted to one thing that you just can’t get rid of in life. You have to have food to survive. Dealing with my emotional issues without the barrier of food between us is a hard hard thing. One of the hardest I’ve ever done.

I’m trying to make a change for the better. It’s more than just losing the weight. I’m making new habits that are not food related. I’m becoming much more active. I’m taking a participating role in my own life. And I want to share that life with my husband.

But I need to remember how those things made me feel…and not say them to him. Please don’t let me become a self-righteous health nut. Sometimes fixing the head is the hardest thing in the world.