Dr. Jacob Mermelstein talks about "blue" kids, how they get that way, and how you can help.

ADULTS HAVE COME
to "accept" periodic feelings of unhappiness that
cannot be immediately explained. As a society, we've devised terms for
those moods. "Feeling blue" is one example. We also jokingly say that
the individual who is grumpy all of a sudden has gotten up on the "wrong
side of the bed." And how often have we heard people explain away rude,
anti-social behavior by saying: "Oh, I'm just not myself today"?
Occasionally, these unusual moods -- and the behaviors they, in turn,
trigger -- can last for an extended period of time. Should this be the
case, professional help is needed. Yet, by and large, fluctuating moods
are deemed by society as being perfectly "normal."

Regarding children, however, this is not the case. Childhood, according
to conventional wisdom, is supposed to be the period of happiness in
a child's life, a time of carefree abandon and freedom from obligations
-- verily a "bed of roses." Indeed, so ingrained is this notion into
our psyches, parents usually become angry or disappointed themselves
when a child speaks of feelings of unhappiness or depression. Why?
Because, at least in part, a child's unhappiness is said to reflect upon
the adequacy of his parents. It brings into question a guardian's
"goodness" in giving the child sufficient love. The result is that many
will deny the fact that children, too, can be unhappy and suffer
depressions. And that is wrong, if not dangerous.

CHILDREN'S MOODS

As it so happens, children are prone to periods of sadness no less than
adults. In fact, their lives are far from epitomizing bliss. There are
several reasons why their suffering is far more intense and frequently
more devastating. Unlike adults, children often cannot "understand" or
verbalize their feelings. The option of "talking things out," in many
cases simply doesn't exist. With their ego structure relatively weaker
and less stable, mood swings in children usually occur much more
frequently. And unless the child's unhappiness is relieved at a
relatively young age, a habitual depressive disposition is likely to be
established, a trait that in all likelihood will only become more
intense in adulthood.

Only the fool would attempt to formulate a global theory of depression
-- one that would explain satisfactorily its nature in every case. As
is the case with most emotional disorders, each individual presents a
unique condition in need of understanding the reason for the development
and to formulate a plan of action to resolve the problem.

The extent genetics plays in depression is still unclear, though some
authorities suspect that an individual's temperament and disposition are
innate. Almost from birth, after all, a child's personality can be
detected. Some infants cry and fuss and seem to be "unhappy." Others
apparently have a "relaxed" disposition and seem to be content. Indeed,
a child's intelligence, his body build and his nervous system, all of
which are hereditary factors, are implicated.

Functionally, though, it is believed that the child's earliest
environment, the first and second year of life, determine his basic
outlook -- trusting optimism or fearful pessimism. What is involved,
are qualitative relationships with his mother and other important
people, the presence or absence of warmth, empathy and feelings over and
above meeting his physical needs. This, to be sure, is a vast topic
about which much has been written and which will have to be discussed at
another time. In any case, unless parents have such instinctual warmth
and insights, books or articles will be of little help.

A more productive avenue to explore is the period of childhood when much
learning takes place, including attitudes and moods. It is, after all,
the aggregate of feelings, attitudes and dispositions that form one's
"personality."

THE LEARNED DEPRESSIONS

Childhood development of a depressive disposition may be borne of simple
imitative behavior or a failure in maintaining an "Economy of
Happiness." We know, of course, that children learn more by imitating
their role models than by "formal" lessons. They become individuals who
are cruel, earnest or playful and so forth, primarily by observing their
parents and by adopting their ways. This is so obvious, it's almost
seems pointless to discuss. Yet, one would be amazed how many times
parents, amid a counseling session, complain mostly of their child's
shortcomings when they themselves are no less guilty.

In short, the unhappy home will produce unhappy children. Apathy, lack
of involvement or zest are traits that are learned. To affect the child,
one must first treat the parents.

Probably the most basic psychological need is a feeling of worth -- the
possession of adequate self-esteem. It's this feeling that seems to come
closest to the vague concept we call "happiness." It is also a total
lack of self-esteem that can drive a man to total despair.

Hopefully, one's basic self-esteem is laid down in the early-years when
there is an overabundance of love, when every little accomplishment is
showered with praise, frustrations are at a minimum, and demands are
few. This basic investment bears interest and thus a satisfactory
"economy of happiness" becomes possible. However, with life being as it
is, there are numerous "assaults" upon one's self-esteem. Parents become
angry, friends may dislike him, or his ability is questioned --- a
deficit comes about in his economics of happiness. Fortunately, in most
cases there are just as many happier experiences that "balance the
budget" and restore, if not improve, the state of this economy.

Supposing, however, these "assaults" are excessive, or restorative
income of satisfactions are inadequate. The economy of happiness is now
upset, a loss of self-esteem develops, and a depressive mood sets in.

Drugs and alcohol, food and entertainment -- or all of the things that
supposedly make us happy, are at best temporary measures whose
efficiency lasts only as long as they stimulate the nervous system, our
palate or our senses. Our basic and more permanent sense of happiness
and well-being reaches us through that general feeling of trust and
optimism laid down during infancy and enriched through "income" from
our environment.

This self-esteem varies among individuals, and depends upon many
factors, the most important of which is one's sense of values and the
fulfillment of his role in life. There are, moreover, roles that society
imposes upon the adult, which he must fulfill, and where there
is little criterion of success or failure. Fathers must earn a living
and maintain a home, mothers, at the very least, must nurture their
young and be a wife to their husband, and together, parents raise their
children. Thus, even if there is little else, parents can derive
satisfaction and a feeling of worth by fulfilling these roles -- and
they become a ready source of "income" for maintaining their economy of
happiness.

The child is not that fortunate. His task is to acquire an education.
And there are ready-made devices to measure his success or failure. Like
his parents, his role has been pre-ordained. But unlike them, his task
is more clearly defined, it's measured, and it's constantly compared
with the accomplishments of others.

What then of the child who can't succeed or ends up being the low man in
his peer group? Must he be doomed to an irreparable loss of self-esteem
-- or must he become the class clown in order to forcefully gain the
satisfactions he doesn't enjoy at school?

Parents must learn not to confuse the means of a goal -- achievement and
skill -- with the goal itself, "happiness." The worth of the child must
be governed by his being -- not by what he's doing.

Dr. Jacob Mermelstein is a practicing psychologist, certified both in
New York and New Jersey.