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Monday, June 06, 2005

sigh V

Today I weigh 56.7 kg still. I have exactly 11.7 kg to go. OH GOODNESS. Still can’t crack the 55 kg borderline. F*ck. I ate an entire bowl of meat floss this afternoon. That apart from breakfast and lunch. I don’t know why I did that. I just had a sinking feeling in my stomach, fear and unhappiness I suppose. So I eat. I eat to make myself feel happy. I’m still unhappy but at least I’m not hungry.

Weight is among the biggest taboo with the female species. Miss KosKos thinks that the scale is wrong because she believes she’s 45 kg. And Miss HaHa is adamant that the scale is broken because she’s 45 kg which inadvertently makes Miss KosKos of lesser weight. Thus, again, scale is wrong. Hohoho. And what a ruckus Miss MaziMazi made when she was weighed and the scale pointed to 55kg. She definitely looks a 55 kg to me (and Miss HaHa definitely has a 50 kg disposition). I mean, she is not thaaat tiny you know. It’s like they refuuuse to believe the needle and that whatever weight in their mind is right therefore the scale is lying or even better broken. Ayia funny-lah women. Well I believe the scale in the clinical skills lab because it’s the sort where you shove weights about till it comes to a right balance. Definitely more sensitive than those bathroom floor scales. Anyway there is progress from the last time I weighed myself. I am 0.9 kg lighter. It’s a slow slow process. I was just checking my progress and I weighed 61.3 kg in December. It’s already June and all I lost was 4.6 kg. THAT IN A SPAN OF 6 MONTHS??!! Goodness. Anyway I have to crack the 55kg or more this month or it’ll never happen.

*sigh* I feel so unhappy goodness knows why. I remember once telling Dddy that I really wanted to see a therapist. But he didn’t think it was a good idea as it would have been filed as a case and this incident might be used against me one day. So fine, I don’t. He thinks I should just talk to my course mates about what I’m going through. He doesn’t get it. Nobody does. For starters, we all DON’T want to talk about our crap excuse for a life because what’s the f*cking point? It’s like a jailbird moaning to another jailbird that it sucks to be in jail. What the f*ck for? We’re both in jail anyway!! Even though we absolutely emotionally comprehend each other, there’s nothing we can say that can soothe each other. So there you go. Moreover, what’s the point of speaking about the obvious negative? The best we can do is just to try to amuse each other with juicy laden gossips or eat. And I cannot talk to my friends back home because apalagi them! They lagi don’t understand. I mean all they hear is me b*tching and b*tching and b*tching about my shitty life but they’ve never gone through a week of it to be able to feel the magnitude of what I am trying to convey. I mean I’m sure they feel sorry when I start bursting into tears or the fact that I’ve turned into this witch of a person but that’s all they are. Sorry that I’m sad. Sorry that I’m a witch. And then they start tearing over f*cked up boyfriends or asshole bosses. What about coming home for a bath to NO CLEAN WATER or heck NO WATER for that matter? What about having to walk to the f*cking river and fetch water so that your toilet won’t breed flies? What about every single time you’re about to touch that graduation tassle, you get pulled back by a new policy? What about NOT having ANYONE call you on the phone or sms you for a week? What about fishing worms out of anything you eat? What about having to put on a scowl facial expression and bundling up like some Arabic Eskimo just so it’ll put people off from desiring to rape you, every time you want to go out? What about having to quickly take off home to make sure your roof ain’t leaking a damn drizzle (even RIGHT AFTER YOU FIXED IT) every time it rains and subsequently ruin everything? What about…? I’m so tired to live like this. I cannot take it anymore. It’s a horrid day every day and even the things people disregard at home like water or the freedom to go out at night is such a predicament here. I remember once in first year, it had been a long crappy day at class and I’ve been up from 06:00 right up till 17:00. All I wanted to do was take a shower and nap. I get home, drop my things and after running the water, find that hundreds of worms are wriggling in my water. I couldn’t even bathe. A simple deed. But even that doesn’t come easy. So I broke down in my towel and cried on the bathroom floor for an hour. I knew that this was just the start of THE sh*t. That I was gonna have to deal with this for the long haul. Anyway after I was done sobbing and feeling sorry for myself, I took a bath at Miss KosKos’ and returned to my own bathroom to start fishing the worms out. I had to do it or how would I continue to live. So I do it-lah.