... of a former Random Ranter.

An engineer may be defined as a person who is able to apply science without fully understanding its working. An engineer may also be defined as something every something most Indians in their plus twos aspire to be even though they are unaware of the definition which I gave in the first sentence. Due to this lack of knowledge of what an engineer truly is and a lack of knowledge of many parents regarding other professions, engineering colleges have mostly (d)evolved to a point where there is less emphasis on the "applying science" bit and more stress on the "without fully understanding" bit. However mind it, getting into a decent college is still unbelievably tough. It requires immense hardwork and/or immensely deep pockets. There is no other way around it. What to do once you are in is a whole other story.

You thought school is over so no more rote learning. Eager to use your brains and build something? Wrong. Its back to rote as the only way to survive your paper is to commit to memory those tattered notes which were handed to you by your seniors which they themselves got from theirs and so on. These barely legible but really valuable words are what fetch you marks as they always have and always will. Try deviating from the notes and and your professors will be having your marks for dinner.

Ah your professors! Glad to be out of school and away from those homework giving, constantly scolding and nitpicking teachers of yours and hope to find some priestly professors in this temple of higher learning? Wrong again!! Let's face it. In a booming country where engineers are in short supply who would give up high paying jobs in the corporate world to stick around in some college barely earning a 5 digit monthly figure. This is especially true if you happen to study computer science or IT. So those who have the misfortune of teaching are actually fortunate to have a job in the first place. These brainless, skill less and quite often personality less "teachers" will bore you in class, frustrate you when you have doubts and anger you when they don't give you marks. However, do take note, that on a rare occasion you will come across a gem of a teacher who will make you feel that this was the reason you came to college. Try and cherish those moments.

Projects! An integral part of your curricula. At least on paper. In reality, they are like a speed bump in the road of fun and vellapanti that is engineering. So find that smart geeky guy in class and make him your project partner. He/she may be dull as ditchwater but when it comes to doing projects you are dumber than a donkey. So maro some maska and have the smartie work and then have him explain his work to you so you can explain it to your professor and get a better grade than the hardworking idiot. Briliant!!

Ooh! Vellapanti and bakchodi. Far more important than engineering drawing or C++. The latter two may be ignored but the former must not. Class is not a place to listen but to pass notes, irritate the guy/gal in front or text message someone who is doing the exact same thing in some other engineering college halfway across the country. Sitting around at the canteen gazing at that hottie is what vella is being about. Who cares about trying to understand what that stupid professor tried to teach you when you get home at the end of the day? Its all about a bunch of guys drinking beer and just being guys somewhere far away from habitation at 12 am. What a way to end the day!

Assignments! Uff! If projects were speed bumps then assignments are like potholes. You never know when you may come across one. No worry. There will be one goodie touchie who says no to plagiarism and will finish it first. As the rest say a resounding "YES!!" to plagiarism all you have to do is copy from the guy who finished first or someone who copied from him. Yes folks.. this is what man used to do before the Xerox machine was invented.

Exams!! Projects are speed bumps, assignments are potholes and exams are the police checkpoints. Still they too like all hurldes can be crossed without too much issues. So relax, watch a couple of hundred movies, take your girlfriend out on long bike rides or party like crazy. Its only the day before the exam that you need to blow of the dust from those afore mentioned notes, cram through the night and go vomit it out on your paper the next day. Easy peasy!! However it is this last hurdle that many falter at. But when I think about it I understand why. Would you really like to leave behind this heaven sent four years of engineering just to join the rat race of the working world? Maybe those who flunked a couple of years did get a better deal and I was the idiot who ensured my stay in heaven lasted only four short years. DAMN!!!

Its an adventure driving on the capital's roads. Drive along Akbar Road or Shantipath and it is a pleasure and calming too. Drive on the expressways and it can get thrilling if you put your foot down or downright monotonous if you don't. And everywhere else, its sheer torture. The road death capital of the country has the unusual (and dangerous) combination of having the best road roads in India and the worst drivers in the world. My mom had spent more than a decade trying to be a disciplined driver on Delhi's roads hoping that at least some would learn by example and others would reciprocate the politeness. She, after years of being almost run down and constantly honked at, finally decided that the old adage "If you can't beat 'em then join 'em" is the only thing that works out here. So here's my guide to all you need to know while driving in the NCR (National Capital Region) and how to survive the NCRs (Nasty Commuters on a Rampage).

WAR!!Driving may be an activity in most other places or a chore in some crowded ones but out here it is WAR!! And since everything is fair in love and war, everything is fair on the roads. Your fellow commuter on the road is not a fellow, he is the enemy and like all enemies he needs to be defeated. Always be prepared and never lose an opportunity to take the advantage away from another commuter. Buses are tanks, especially the Bluelines, and get to close too to one and chances are you will be mowed down before you can say "Teri ma kaa...."! Pedestrians and cattle are like landmines as they will be scattered all over the road and you have to use all your skill to dodge them. Also remember, pedestrians are no more intelligent than the cattle out here. Only your car gets a smaller dent and you do go to jail if you hit 'em. The police are like air raids. They aren't there most of the time but when they are they come out of nowhere and bomb you with a speeding ticket. So watch out soldier!!SWEET SYMPHONY....errr... CACOPHONYForget what they taught you in driving school or what was engraved into your head by you daddy when he taught you how to take the wheel. The most important component of the automobile is NOT the brake its the horn. Most obstacles that could threaten you (and your car) on the road are the ones which can move out of the way themselves. Confounded cows, problematic pedestrians and dimwitted dogs can all be scared out of the way by honking (most of the times). However do keep your foot over the brake, just in case. Also horns are an important weapon used in psychological warfare. If your enemy commuter is annoying you by his coming in your way you may simply honk him up the roadside tree by applying constant pressure to the centre portion of your steering wheel. Having a loud air horn does help. Also, honking the moment the lights turn green is customary, so please don't annoy the locals and do honk!

BE WILD MANNEREDPlease, do us Delhiites a favour and leave the Pehle Aap load of crap in Lucknow. In Delhi, its my way or my way. The moment you let some guy pass you he'll bring the entire herd that was behind him along. So be a jerk and don't show him any decency even if he happens to be your own sweet old grandpa.WOMEN CAN DRIVE??What rubbish? Is it even legal for them to drive? These modern lipstick applying and hair brushing upstarts shouldn't be anywhere near the steering wheel. If one does commit the sacrilege of overtaking you ( a guy) then please, feel free to force her the road or run her into a ditch or at the very least overtake her to put her in her place. However if this upstart happens to be pleasing to the eye then you are more than welcome to leave your comments and suggestions by shouting it at her using the choicest of words. After all, chivalry pays no??

A LITTLE DEMOLITION HURT NO ONEYou know what really stands out on the city's roads? A car with no scratches. It stands out like a dude at a rave party who doesn't dope. So be a philanthropist and give that brand new car a scratch. You may chose to use you own (and obviously scratched) car as your tool if you happen to be driving at the time. If you are walking then, at the very least, use something to scratch your name into the paint of an unscathed vehicle. Sort of like an artist signing at the bottom of his/her painting.

I bet not one guy who's grown up in the last couple of decades or so not heard a sentence beginning with "You know when I was young we didn't have ___________" from our elders. We as a race have progressed technologically more in the last century than all the other centuries combined. And things only seem to get even better... or is it?

True today our favourite drama is just a press of button on the TV remote away. All the information in the world is just a mouse click away. And all our closest friends are just a phone call away. We live in an apparent technological utopia where every thing we want is literally at the tips of our fingertips (pressing buttons, after all, requires fingertips no??). Take away all these amazing modern marvels from our lives and our world turns into a dystopia where we are more lost than Rakhi Sawant trying astronomical physics. Our gadgets are an extension of our lives without which some would even deem as a life not worth living.

As I sit here tearing my hair out because of 80 gigs of data I lost in my SHAMsung hard drive and banging my head on the walls because my Xbox finally showed me the red ring of death, I realise that it was my grandparents who had it easy. They never almost got a hemorrhage because they l0st 50 movies that the spent a year downloading because in the part of the world they grew up in, people hadn't even heard of movies. To them games meant gulli danda and hide-and-seek and not tapping away some buttons on a controller. They could probably find immense pleasure in just skimming pebbles on the surface of a pond whereas I can't even find any pleasure in watching television (an invention that fascinated them when they first saw it and still amazes them today). They probably walked miles to spend some time with their best friends and yet today I lose touch with mine even though I can talk to them anytime and anywhere on my cell.

Scientists say that part man and part machine creatures (a.k.a Cyborgs) will become a reality in the near future. I say that they are already here. Look around you. Try taking a cell phone from any of those shady businessmen and they will gouge eyes out before relenting. Ask a business executive to give up his Blackberry and he'll offer to sell his mother just to keep his preciousemailing device in his pocket. All those software techies, they would rather give up their penises to save their precious thinkpads. Try blocking orkut in college and you'll probably have a riot on your hands. Isn't this proof that the bionic human race is already here. The implants may not be biological yet but they certainly are psychological and emotional.