Pages

Not at all shifty guy announces the Greatest Business Idea in History!

You and everyone you know can be billionaires by this time next week with this new Business Opportunity that cannot possibly fail! You too can get rich without any effort and become a pet food billionaire overnight and we're not even lying.

Thanks to a miracle discovery by our resident pet food Guru, it is our great privilege to offer this brand new, cannot-fail, sure-fire-winner of a business investment opportunity to all our readers.

Both of you can be rich almost overnight without having to do anything except send us £10, 000, which is as easy and completely without any risk whatever as tapping a few keys on your computer keyboard.

So, do not hesitate: do this simple action today and set yourself on the path to unbelievable wealth!

As you can imagine, we here at the Daily Scare are almost hysterical with excitement!!!

!!!!!

But what is this sure-fire, dead-cert business investment opportunity? We hear you breathlessly ask.

Pet Food Guru answers all your questions.

Well let me start off by saying: welcome to the high-powered, mega-profit, magical goldmine of cat food.

My story started a little while ago when I noticed that the tiny little biscuits of dry cat food my cat and so many other cats love so much are sort of heart-shaped.

So, in a flash of inspiration of the kind that has propelled so many moguls from obscurity to obscene wealth, I asked myself one important ground-breaking question:

Does the shape of these tiny morsels have anything to do with their popularity?

And in another moment of inspiration I was able to answer that question with: yes, it does! Obviously, cats love the fact that their food is heart-shaped!!!!

So in a further leap of irrefutable logic I was able to connect this fact with the fact that cats love to play with their food and conclude that cat food fashioned into interesting shapes such as hearts, stars, camels and small bears is absolutely certain to be popular with cats everywhere. Cats will clamour for interestingly-shaped food and are certain to reject food that is served them in uninteresting amorphous blobs that more often than not look like poo.

So those high-powered business decisions led me inevitably to my coup de grace.How about cat food fashioned into letters of the alphabet?!!??!

We all know how popular Alphabeti Spaghetti is with small children and cats are kind of like small children, except with more hair and fleas, right?

Obviously cats are going to love bowls full of their little tidbits fashioned in the shape of letters of the alphabet! Imagine the hours of fun they will have rearranging their Alphabeti-kit-e-kati ™ into fun words and sentences such as:

“Hungry” and “I hate you, human scum.”

Once their food has been served them in fun letters-of-the-alphabet shapes, they are not going to want anything else!

This is a real winner that will make all investors in my new business idea, Alphabeti-kit-e-kati ™ billionaires almost overnight!!!!!!

They will be able, for instance, to arrange their food to spell their own names! Imagine the hours of fun they will have with that! (The cats that is, not the investors).

Research has suggested that just that one simple exercise will raise your cat’s IQ several points! (and probably the investors' too). To prove this, only yesterday my own cat, fortunate enough to have the role of guinea pig upon whom I have been able to rigorously test my new concept, actually spelled out correctly the twelve letters of his own name!

So to the clever little feline genius I say, “Well done and thank you, Cilhgkjbfkmjv!!

Related Articles:

Introducing Alphabeti Winalotti, alphabet-shaped morsels for dogs.

Is your cat really boring? Does he or she sleep all day? Now you can make him hyper and lots more fun with Felifix, the cat food enriched with added cocaine. Nine out of ten owners say their little Garfield or Tibbles just can’t get enough!

Miracle Drug Solves Everything

Airport Cupcake Scare

Man not Spied on by NSA to Lodge Complaint

Is the NSA the only part of government that actuially listens? Reports are just coming in that a man has been found Brazil who has not been spied on by the NSA

Government to Borrow Money to get out of Debt

The government today announced that it is “completely stumped” and unable to explain how the nation ended up with twice as much debt as there is actual money in existence . . .Read More

Special Relationship with US Intact Says Envoy. Whoopee Do Says UK

An envoy for the Obama regime in Washington today reassured the British that the UK’s special relationship with the US is still intact. This is despite . . . Read more

Fears Grow for the Government's Mental Health

Psychiatry Inc, the well-known manufacturers of ADHD, Depression, Addiction and similar aids to the pharmaceutical industry and other ailing multinational corporations, have today. . . read more

I've decided to Drug my Kids says Local Dad

Local businessman Dave Halfwit today announced to a hushed and largely indifferent world that, having weighed up the pros and cons in the child-drugging debate, he has decided to . . . Read more

Hijacking Latest

Police are working on the possibility that the hijacking of Flight America One with 50 States and one federal district on board was an inside job. The spotlight of suspicion shifted to the . . . Read more

Warning! Global Dimming!

I noticed yesterday morning whilst doing the washing up that I had to switch the light on as the room was so dark! My research into this alarming phenomenon has revealed that scientists are warning about a brand new threat to be terrified about. Read more . . .

Democracy Inadequately Labelled, Scientists Warn

Researchers at the Joseph Goebbels Institute in Waffle in the Mire were recently commissioned by the government to investigate complaints from voters and other minority consumer groups that many products under the label “Democracy” in fact contain many harmful additives . . . Read More