Tag Archives: cookie duster

Before he went to the Yankees, I was a big Russell Martin fan. An athletic catcher, he both threw and ran well, leading to some of my favorite in-game scenarios where he would both throw someone out bunting then bunt himself and beat it out (doesn’t that just always seems extra, extra awesome for a catcher?). He was bad for the Yankees. His homer total was inflated, as would a four-year old’s, by Yankee Stadium Redux so, statistically, and as catchers go, I suppose he was serviceable. I happen to think he’s a better player.

Here are Bill James’ projections for My favorite Martin in 2013:

//112 hits// 22 2B // 16 HR // 64 R // 60 RBI // 8 SB // .242 AVG //

Leading to a deep “MEH,” from all concerned. Where is the fleet of foot Martin, the .280 -. 300 hitter Martin? Who is this manicured man?!

Martin is in obvious need of a mustache makeover (tv rights pending on that one, folks). I understand that players deteriorate over time blah blah blah but this guy was pretty nifty not even 5 years ago! So I fired up the math machines and the facial composite sketchers andWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!?!!?

BOOM.

Russ beat me to it! He is obviously not only a ballplayer, but has a keen understanding of the mysticism of the mustache. Let us reconsider his projections, now knowing he has reconsidered his look. I’ll bet Mr. Bill James doesn’t have a way of computing mustache value-added, but I sure do:

As you can see, Russell got his groove back. Freed from the shackles of the hair-hating Yankees, Martin can be himself once more. With his smoothly Gatsby-esque new fur, Martin will undoubtedly make the leap to an upper-class season. Just look at that careful constructed cookie-duster. He will regain not only his stroke but his deceptive quickness. Again, I point you to the devious flavor saver. Is that not the look of a man capable of swiping double-digit bases? Is that not the look of a man who will find clever means to get on base? Is that not the look of a man who would make an excellent addition to your barbershop quartet (alto, duh)? Of COURSE it is, that is a mustache of confidence, a mustache of class – a mustache of redemption.

Martin is poised, nay groomed, for a better 2013. And he knows it is due to his upper lip. That is the smile of a man who knows the future is out there, a single green light, if you will, and Martin is ready to take it… even if it’s in Pittsburgh and not West Egg.

If you don’t get the reference, that’s okay. There’s a movie coming out soon.

Tomorrow I’ll tackle the mustache sleepers. If Russell Martin is any indication, the future is bright for potentially moustachioed ballplayers.