Today's Apple iPhone announcement brought several new additions to their lineup, but nothing that hadn't already been leaked. In fact it is amazing how many rumors were correct. This made all of the false rumors somewhat disappointing. Literally everything Apple announced today had been known for months, so all they were doing was revealing which rumored features that didn't make the cut.

Apple Watch 3

They began the show with a new Apple Watch Series 3 that includes a built-in cellular chip. This makes the device much more independent! Unfortunately it is still a giant brick strapped to your wrist, and at a premium $400 price for the cellular version. There were a lot of rumors that this new Apple Watch was going to include non-invasive blood sugar monitoring, but alas that is not yet available. I've been on a fitness kick this year, and glucose monitoring would have finally gotten me to buy one of these. They talked about some heart rate research for early alerts on Atrial Fibrillation (AFib), but it is all still research and not yet FDA approved.

Apple TV: Still a Thing

Apple reminded us all that they have a TV set-top-box, and this will now support 4K content. They tried pretty hard to convince us that this time the Apple TV was definitely going to be a gaming console.

No one was convinced.

iPhone 8

This year's iPhone would ordinarily be the S model, so you might have been expecting an iPhone 7S today.
But once again the rumors nailed this and it is in fact being dubbed an iPhone 8. Bigger, faster, yada yada. They rolled out some impressive sounding stuff for photography, but the only big upgrade between the iPhone 7 and 8 is Bluetooth 5.0 and Qi wireless charging. The lowest-cost model gets a bump up from 32GB to 64GB on both the iPhone 8 and the iPhone 8 Plus.

iPhone X

The iPhone X (pronounced: aɪˌfəʊn tɛn) announcement was equal parts exciting and disappointing. The new 10th Anniversary iPhone drops the iconic Home Button, and features an elaborate multi-sensor 3D-InfraRed camera on the front. This allows you to unlock the phone simply by looking at it. And you will want to look at it quite a lot, because it is the first iPhone with an OLED display. This is big news! If any of your friends or family have a Samsung phone, you might have been wondering why their screen looks so much better when Apple is telling you that you have this amazing Retina Display.

The secret sauce for Samsung has been OLED since 2011, introduced on the Galaxy S2. Now Apple customers can get the same display in what Apple are unapologetically calling Super Retina. The importance of OLED cannot be understated. The difference in display quality is probably enough to get me to pop for this over the iPhone 8, and at $1,000 for the base model that is a big pop.

There were rumors many months ago, started by Robert Scoble with the insistence that he had insider information from Apple, that the iPhone X would be transparent. Fuck Robert Scoble. He's an annoyingly arrogant ass at his best, and now at his worst he made today's announcement a lot less impressive.

Apple didn't need help making the announcement any more lackluster, because it arrived with nothing new to show. They actually rolled out the same exact AR game demo they used at WWDC. I still have high hopes for AR, especially in the creative realm, but instead of doing anything interesting with it they played the same game demo and then animated shit emojis. Seriously. They spent 10 minutes animating emojis with their faces. I've never yawned so much in a single press conference.

While the iPhone 8 will be available for preorders this Friday, shipping on the 22nd, the iPhone X will not be available for another month. Apple will be taking iPhone X preorders on the 27th of October and they will begin shipping November 3rd.

If you thought you were going to make it through this day without punching a baby, then Jony Ive has some condescendingly smug words for you.