Why?

March 17, 2010

“Why?” is the question I find most pressing to man. Because of our ability to perceive cause and effect, we are constantly asking “why,” it is how we have learned since a caveman rubbed two sticks together to create fire. The looming big sibling of the “who, what, where, when” family, “why” offers the colors and shapes of an idea where its comrades simply offer boring thin black outline. Who, what, where, when = John went to the store yesterday. Why = Because he had to buy the morning after pill for that cute asian girl in his chem class that he had hooked up with that Saturday since the condom they used popped during climax. See? John became much more interesting after that key three letter question.

In our generation, Google is the answer to all our questions. As much as Wikipedia, KGB, Bing, and all those other fags try to edge their way into our cyber arsenal of infostreams, Google is by default where we go to automatically answer any question we can ponder. So naturally, asking Google “why” should offer some interesting results, right? Well, I decided to test this theory.

Inspired by a particularly gay Superbowl commercial, I decided to ask Google “why” and see what it suggested I was thinking (seeing as how Google is psychic, and can answer your question even before you ask it!). The results were no less than.. well.. see for yourself.

…Wow. (This is a real google search that I did, try it yourself)

I’ve decided to fold the world on its head and try to answer Google’s ten questions, which presumably are the ten most asked questions on the internet, which is… troubling. Hopefully I can clear up some of what clearly are the existential questions of our time.

1. Why are Black people so loud?

Ahh, the age old conundrum. What is it about my people that encourages such high volume, at time when normal speaking would be more than appropriate? The fact that this is the most searched question (presumed by its position in the suggestions) is no surprise. I’m kidding. It’s a shock. It’s also hilarious. The only answer I can offer, confused masses, is that more often than not on the national and global scale, Black people aren’t listened to, so we feel we have to yell to get our points across (HA! Feel guilty now don’t you! Yeah you do!).

2. Why can’t I own a Canadian?

I’ve been wondering this for a few months myself. I mean, they serve no purpose on their own, and we all know Canada is pretty much America Jr. Think about how much more productive we could be if we all had our own Canadians to do our mindless errands and busywork for us? We’d have a Utopia! But alas, I think owning a Canadian would come with its own complications, ultimately making it for the better that we cannot. What do Canadians eat? How does one care for a Canadian? They are probably very expensive, and clearly don’t appreciate in value. There would have to be some sort of Canadian trade and exchange rate, commerce laws, taxes, and a bunch of other things that we’d probably want the Canadians themselves to take care of organizing for us. In all reality, it just wouldn’t work out.

3. Why is my poop green?

I’ve met the big green monster twice in my life, and I remember each time very distinctly. Both times, I could feel that this wasn’t my typical poop, that something in the texture and smell and delivery was just off. I’d then turn around for the typically triumphant work review to find a spinach green mess where some charming brown friends usually swam. I’d ultimately attribute this to poor diet choices, something with too much grease or something. If it’s happening often, I’d suggest getting checked out. Also, if you refer to your feces as “poop” and you’re old enough to use a computer, I’d suggest getting checked out.

4. Why did I get married too?

I realized this was a search about an upcoming Tyler Perry movie of the same name. I’d like to strangle Tyler Perry with my bear hands. As in the hands of a bear. To ensure that he died. Next question.

5. Why is the sky blue?

To answer this question, I’ll refer to one of the best children’s programs ever, Arthur. DW had recently opened a makeshift museum in the families backyard, and claimed to hold the answer to all of life’s scientific mysteries. The Tibble Twins ask her why the sky is blue, and she responds “because all of the other colors were taken. Grass is green, dirt is brown, the sun is yellow, clouds are white, roses are red, etc.” Arthur, frustrated as usual by DW’s antics, rebutted that the sky was blue because air particles only reflected blue light. In a genius chess move, DW yells “prove it!”, instantly crippling Arthur’s seemingly foolproof argument. Backed into a corner, he swats the ball back to her, demanding that she prove her hypothesis first. Finally, in an episode of rhetorical debate fit for college level analysis and appreciation, DW responds “look around you! Is grass green? Is dirt brown? Is the sun yellow? Is the sky blue?! I rest my case.” Socrates would be proud.

6. Why do dogs eat poop?

I don’t have a dog, never have, probably never will. I’ve only had a turtle, my beautiful late best friend, Iris. Iris used to eat her feces every once in a while too, but this was only during cases of extreme duress, either when her tank was in dire need of cleaning or when we had ran out of turtle food and kept forgetting to pick more up at the store so we would feed her bits of bread and lettuce. I’m sure this wasn’t good for her, but she seemed to like it. Anyway, I’d assume it’s because they smell bits of meals passed on in the carpet presents they leave. I mean, honestly, if you could find a way to eat that sirloin stake dinner again, for free, wouldn’t you? (Beeteedubs: At the time of this writing, I have gone a month without eating meat. I contemplate suicide every day. I will never do this again in my life.)

7. Why are people posting colors on people’s facebooks?

…I have absolutely 0 explanation for this. People post colors on peoples’ facebooks? I haven’t gotten any… Fuck you guys for not giving me any colors! Assholes.

8. Why do cats purr?

Again, my only pet has been a turtle, so I have very little experience with cats. However, from everything television and movies have shown me, cats purr when they are fucking loving life. When everything is going their way, and they couldn’t think of a complaint if they wanted to. How fantastic must that be? Shit in your life is so good that you can’t help but physically express it in a deep, sensuous, throaty, barely audible groan? I’d love to have some purr-worthy things happen to me these days. Maybe my standards are just too high?

9. Why did the chicken cross the road?

“To get to the other side!” Seriously, who the FUCK thought of this joke? Like, at some time, somewhere, some person was born, thought of this joke, told it, and then died, and we as a human race have not been rid of it yet. It is the single worst joke ever made, ever. Was it ever funny? Has it ever made anyone laugh? Is this a matter of cultural and societal changes? Is this an archaic relic to a time when something as simple as stating the fucking obvious could make one laugh in the midst of miserable and torturous farmlife? I remember it confusing me at 5 years old and pissing me off every time I’ve heard it since then. Seriously, what a stupid fucking joke.

10. Why don’t we just dance lyrics?

I actually checked out this tune in order to answer this question. It’s a country song by Josh Turner about a bored couple that decides to combat the “craziness” of the world by dancing in their living room. Pretty gay. I’m surprised that of all the songs that start with “Why” this would be the most searched, seeing as how the lyrics consist of two bridges and two choruses, and simple monosyllabic verses that are clearly audible after the first listen. Who would ever need to read the lyrics to this song? Well, you asked, and I said I’d answer, so:

Baby why don’t we just turn that tv off
Three hundred fifteen channels of nothing but bad news on
Well it might be me but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy
So baby why don’t we just dance

Guess the little bitty living room aint gonna look like much
When the lights go down and we move the couch its gonna be more than enough
For my two left feet and our two hearts beatin’ nobody’s gonna see us go crazy

So baby why don’t we just dance down the hall, maybe straight up the stairs bouncin’ off the wall, floatin’ on air baby why don’t we just dance

Baby why don’t you go put your best dress on
Those high heeled shoes you love to lose as soon as the tunes come on
On second thought just the way you are is already drivin’ me crazy so baby why don’t we just dance down the hall maybe straight up the stairs bouncin’ off the wall floatin’ on air baby why don’t we just dance

Ah cut a rug

Well it might be me but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy so baby why don’t we just dance Oh baby why don’t we just dance.

…Told you it was gay.

So there you have it. The world’s top ten googled questions answered to the best of my ability. Now you can go out into the world armed with the knowledge you need to school 99% of the ignorant people you’ll come across. And if SuTra can provide that knowledge for you, we’ve done our job.