Search

Hi there. As the paralegal who has been working on the other side of your craptastic case for the last year, I think you should know that I’ve totally known you were lying since the beginning. It’s pretty damn obvious. I thought you could use some tips on what NOT to do when you bring a lawsuit and proceed to lie your ass off.

1) For the love of God, don’t make up lies or exaggerate things that have absolutely no impact on your case. We don’t care if you went to college or not. However, we will attempt to follow-up on your claims of having a college degree if you fill out government forms that state the opposite. It’s also not helpful if you pick a college that has an alumni database online that is open to the public to search. Telling us you lost your degree or any papers identifying you as a student of that college is also not inspiring a lot of confidence in your claims.

2) Especially don’t tell irrelevant lies if it involves exaggerations and outright fabrications that are potentially punishable by law. I’m talking about those really impressive claims about your top-secret military past and medals. The fact that you refuse to give us details and can’t prove any of it doesn’t help. You should know that your military history (or lack thereof) can be obtained from the government. It’s really hard to believe that the military completely expunged ALL proof of your employment with the military and that you don’t have one single document to prove you were ever there.

3) Do not produce fake certificates you bought on the internet to bolster your wild-ass crazy lies. I believed you were a massive jackass from the second I read your eyeroll-inducing deposition testimony and made it my personal mission to prove it. I love nothing more than busting an egotistical liar, and I’ve got the time and the resources to do it. Hell, I get paid for this. I can and WILL devote hours, if I have to, to discrediting those certificates. Thankfully, you made it a lot easier by buying them all from one source on the internet, which I located within 20 minutes of receiving the copies you produced.

4) Also, if you are going to purchase fake certificates, you might want to make sure that the information contained in those certificates is historically accurate. Imagine my delight when I researched the information contained in those certificates and found that the agency that supposedly issued your certificate did not exist in the year it was purportedly signed. That was just the candle on top of the delicious icing on the cake for me. It was such a gift! You really shouldn’t have.

5) Don’t be such an egotistical idiot that it induces people like me to investigate you further. Your case is not helped by the fact that you contradict things which your spouse testified about, or the fact that you seemed more concerned with the fact that pretty female nurses saw you puking than the fact that you were puking in the first place. Being smug and arrogant only makes people want to bust you more.

Maybe I should, in fact, be sending you a present or at least a thank you card. People like you are what make my job entertaining and far more satisfying than cases involving normal, rational people. (Not that I see a lot of those.) I do suspect that this will make trying your case a bit harder on your attorneys; that is, if they keep you as a client. I started to feel bad for them, but then again, they seemed to have bought the whole story – hook, line and sinker. Really, if they didn’t suspect you were a fraud, then they should have. So good luck with this whole “make a bundle off a malpractice claim when you refused to follow the doctor’s order” thing. Thank you for the entertainment. I haven’t laughed out loud while doing research at my desk in a long time.