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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Friday, January 29, 2010

answered the phone

Well, the phone rang as I was about to leave work. I saw that it was from Florida so I should not have answered. I did. (Just like offering an alchoholic a drink.) It was Beth. She sounded so bad, so shaky and slurring her words. I had a hard time understanding her and a harder time believing that she was still in rehab.

She wanted to talk to me not her Dad as all he says is thats good keep working on it. I said I would prefer that she talk to him a couple of times and then my resolve weakened and I started to ask her why she was slurring her words. i said that if she wanted me to believe that she was sober she would have to provide drug tests daily and that my insurance would pay for that.

She was hurt. Then she passed the phone to the director. He gave me a shit hard time acting all indignant that I should question their integrity. He said "Do you know the condition that she was in when she came here?" She was in the hospital with her kidneys shutting down." Well, I did not know that and I am not sure that it was true. The last time a Dr. talked to me about her kidneys she had a kidney infection but he said her kidney function was normal. that amazed me.

I told Carlos the director. You released her not even to a half way house but on her own over new years after your recruiter promised me that you would encourage a long term program. You refused to do that so you bear some of the responsibility for her going out to use. I knew and told you that she could not return to normal life in 30 days.

At that point he said that he could put her on the street immediately and that I was not going to boss him around. I said that I had no control over her whatsoever. If she had ever chosen to listen to me or her many many doctors for the last 8 years she would not be in this position.

They are doing outpatient detox with her. She is on suboxone as we speak thus the slurring of words. I checked and this is legal. Soooo she was not lieing about that part.

What a hard bitch I was telling her that her Dad answered like that as there was really nothing to say to her. We can not have a relationship with her until she puts some clean time together. It was true but I felt like a mean nasty bitch.

Then, I drove home. A construction guy stopped me to say that my scarf was hanging out the door of my car. I drotve another 10 miles before realizing that I had on the wrong glasses. I was lost cause I could only see close up with my reading glasses.

What if I am wrong? What if she is really trying now and I treat her like this? I feel like crap. You must be tired of how repetitive this gets and how I alternatively weaken or get nasty regarding Beth.

God help me stay in the moment. It is a miracle that she still lives. Help me to say what I mean but not say it mean.

The title of your blog is perfect. Letgohangon. This disease is heart-wrenching, drama-filled, horrific and frightening. If hanging on helped anyone in the sphere of addiction, we'd all be going to 'hang on' meetings. Letting go sometimes means letting go before it gets better. Pray. God loves this girl. (p.s. I have seen people more stoned in rehabs than on the streets.)

during one of her rehabs, the idiot director and I talked about my daughter's discharge plan. I was told by him that if I didn't let her come back to our home, I was sentencing her to certain death on the streets.

What a JERK!!

I told him that it was not MY problem, that it was HER problem and I wasn't letting her come home to use again in front of little children and put my family, my finances and my legal standing (I would be an accomplice after the fact) at risk for a junkie, even if she was my own child.

He hung up on me.

Real professional that one. Some of these rehabs are not in it for the patients at all. They are only in it for the money they can suck out of us.

About Me

I am in transition to retirement. I retired two years ago at age 55. At that time, I was emotionally recovering from a very hard patch. My mother, mother in law father in law and two very close friends all died within that year.
Now, I am 56 years old and working part time as an adjunct profesor. I am enjoying my semi-retirement.