I am hunky and I am smooth, I am perfectly proportioned and I probably saw some hot dumb action last night after picking up a tart ex-cheerleader in my black Ford Expedition. I like fast things like military jet planes that roar across the sky just over my well-chiseled head and I am naked from the waist up, my hair perfectly pomaded and my blue eyes wide with wonder as I reach out and grab the deluxe razor blade that spins and flies like TV magic into my manly but well-manicured hand.

Totally pumped now and probably at least partially erect as I 'Wake up to the excitement' of the black-handled rubber-gripped Gillette Mach 3 Shaving System(tm) triple-blade razor, sweeping the sculpted and sensually ergonomic beast down my cheek in a perfect manshave flourish, creating a clean swath in the thick fluffy cream as if beating a path to the Holy Grail as not one, not two, but three separate blades attack my stubborn man-whiskers one after the other in the smoothest, fastest, closest, most comfortable shave I have ever had in such incredibly good lighting.

And I think probably some pneumatic blonde in probably a light blue teddy saddles up and strokes my face all sultry like just afterwards, just after the military jet and the magic flying razor, after 25 or so swirling jump-cuts and the most perfectest shave ever, and I smile that man-boy smile and give a knowing nod to the camera and the universe at large: Yeah, I know, I am hunky and smooth and I have this obsequious blonde wrapped around my manhood like a supermodel on Donald Trump, and now I have experienced the ultimate in shaving excitement, and all you pathetic men out in TV-land can admire me and nod right along and then rush out and buy buy buy a lifetime supply of black-handled rubber-gripped Gillette Mach 3 Shaving System(tm) triple-blade razors, and never be scruffy and/or lonely again.

The bag was seized, but the singer walked away when security officers tried to detain her, said Police Lt. Robert Hickcox. Houston's United Airlines flight to San Francisco departed 45 minutes before police arrived, Hickcox said.

Airport security officers, employed by a private company, can only arrest passengers for crimes related to airport security. The firm, Wackenhut of Hawaii, declined comment to The Associated Press on Sunday night.

An answering service for Houston's spokeswoman, Carol Stone, said Stone was out of the country and could not immediately be reached for comment. A message left with her answering service was not immediately returned on Sunday night to The Associated Press.

According to the newspaper, the Hawaii County Police Department's daily police bulletin noted 15.2 grams of marijuana was recovered at the airport at 2:28 p.m. on Tuesday, but did not identify a suspect.

Police planned to refer the case to the Hawaii County prosecutor's office, a process that could take a month, Hickcox told the newspaper.

Police declined to comment to the AP late Sunday.

Officials at Arista Records, Houston's record label, could not be reached for comment in either Los Angeles or New York on Sunday night.

Possession of 15 grams of marijuana could lead to a drug charge of promotion of a detrimental drug, Hickcox said. The petty misdemeanor is punishable by up to 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.

Houston has sold millions of records is one of the world's most successful recording artists. She has also starred in such films as "The Bodyguard" and "Waiting to Exhale."

She was nominated this month for four Grammy awards for her latest album, "My Love is Your Love."

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Option #1: To help subdue that nasty dream you keep having about margarine, garden hose, and Al Gore's daughters, you force yourself to read the entire Chicken Soup for the Soul series, stifling a thousand urges to retch and to burn your eyes out with hot pokers, after which you spank yourself silly with a copy of William Bennett's Book of Virtues (hardcover ISBN: 0671683063). Post humorless mantras of dumbed-down chastity to http://sfgate.com/newsletters. You'll be removed from the list right after we retouch the lipstick on our Tipper Gore blowup doll.