Mormons: A Shallow Yet Helpful Guide to See If You Should Hate Them or Not

Last month, evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.

Dallas megachurch preacher Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans – and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.

If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.

The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watch Supernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain.

But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies of Jesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores.

So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:

Why do Mormons worship Satan?

They don't, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It's just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth.

Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.

Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn't what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet.

As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization.

So you're saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?

No. Schizophrenia hadn't been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision.

Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That's when Smith discovered a second superpower – the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren't regarded for their penmanship.

He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a "tour de force of ecclesiastical drama."

He had the audacity to rewrite God's words?

Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress.

Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he'd pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.

What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?

Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the "Krakow of the Rust Belt," its restaurants known for serving the finest gruel on the western frontier.

With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet still grasping the subtleties of his all-seeing powers. He failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn't justly rewarded for blowing everyone's money, as bankers so rightfully are today.

In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.

Is that where he went perv?

Yes. Smith realized that a religion known for bank failure and an inability to find buried treasure lacked market potential. Fortunately, God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased.

The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed.

Bonus round: Smith's money problems were also solved when God told him about the Law of Tithing, which ordered Mormons to give 10 percent of their income to Joseph Smith, thus saving him the hassle of wrecking another bank.

But like Rev. Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Polygamy was not only heresy, but the Mormons were hogging all the chicks.

So the Christians naturally asked themselves, "What Would Jesus Do?" Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their ass to Illinois. The Mormons tried torching Christian houses in response, but showed an inferior gift for arson.

So you don't want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?

No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago.

Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim's Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Totally love this piece! The only direct factual errors I can find are as follows:

"Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization."

Actually, Mormons believe in an older civilization, the Jaredites, that supposedly pre-dated Moroni & his people-- I know, right?.

"The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit."

I think it's worth pointing out that initially Joseph Smith practiced his version of polygamy, which smelled a lot like old-fashioned philandering, in secret-- even from his own flock and one legal wife. While he started doing the dirty with other women as early as 1831, in 1842 the church was still denying the practice publicly. Very few in the Mormon leadership were engaging in polygamy during this time, and it was definitely hush hush. It didn't become an accepted practice among the general membership of the church, "a hit," until after Smith's death, when it was made official in 1852.

"So when did they stop going perv?"

While the church publicly disavowed polygamy in 1890, they practiced it secretly for a longer period. The church sent some members to practice polygamy in Mexico, where the government wasn't so concerned about illegal marriages. The practice was widespread enough that in 1904, the church released a second 'manifesto' disallowing polygamous marriages among its membership. The actual end of Mormon polygamy was gradual and well after 1890.

Also, Mormons never really stopped 'going perv' they've just changed the nature of their perversion. Now they've become the perversion police running around trying to rid the world of gay marriage, extra-marital sex, masturbation and pornography. And if you ask me, attempting to police the sexual lives of other people is pretty perverse.

Choosing to hate because of religion? There's always an excuse, isn't there? They're always weak excuses, too.I lived in Utah for 20 years, as a non-member, and learned a great deal about the religion. The people care deeply for their faith and focus on health, family, community with great determination. But that's not the point of this article, is it? It's to find another way to eliminate good candidates from the presidential race. While I lived in the state, I came to admire Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman through their involvement--Romney with the Olympics, Huntsman with politics. They were and are hard working and dedicated to their roles, and bring no dirt to the arena. They earned my respect--and my vote--long ago. To toss them out of the candidacy because of religion is an extremely poor excuse. And why be concerned about the country adopting LDS practices if Romney or Huntsman become president? Back during JFK's run for president, the country was concerned the pope would rule the country if he won. Did that happen? No. Is Massachusetts a Mormon state? No.Give it a break and give these candidates a chance.

It is obvious that you received your information from the enemies of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are so misled and are misleading others. My mother used to tell me when I was a boy, ignorance is bliss, my father used to tell me that if your gonna dance you gotta pay the piper. The saints were driven from the state of New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Missouri, and Illinois completely out of the borders of the then United States of America, at that time in our history. They were forced to leave Missouri or be exterminated by order of the governor of the state. They were slaughtered and raped and robbed of their possessions and driven. I would ask is that kind of demented actions something for the United States or for that matter any one of the states who permitted these travesty something to laugh about? I don't suppose by your article that you read the Bible but if you do you may want to read Matthew 12: 36-37.

First of all, to be upfront, I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I am very comfortable with my faith and can be the brunt of a joke and laugh, too. There are beliefs that to an outsider that could seem different or even humorous. That said, there are things that are sacred and making fun of these sacred things are ok as long as there is an understanding that it is sacred and a little discretion at the same time. For example, we believe that we can be married for eternity of done by proper authority in our temples. These are very sacred. However, joking about a friend trying to convert you to Mormonism on the basis that marriage can be eternal and you are looking forward to death do you part in order to get some peace and quiet or some "me" time. That maybe a weak joke, but it still respects the sacred nature and makes fun. I understand that some less intelligent comedy writers have only tearing a person or group down and to be as offensive as possible as their comedy arsenal to draw from, that good humor is when the audience squirms or feels uncomfortable. Well, I felt that the revisionist history for the purpose of humor was not even good writing and not funny. It simply convinces the reader of the ignorance and lack of intelligence of the writer. There are so many intelligent ways to write the above story and be funny, far funnier than my weak example above. I hope that the writer and editor who approved this story for publication will realize that certain beliefs deserve respectful humor. I hope you guys will try harder next time. Good luck.

No. really. This is the form of bigotry acceptable in America today. Make some scathing fun of Mormons. Nice. The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints is a religion that produces good people and communities. Mock their beliefs, (because you think any religion is technically "weird" but one that uses sacred clothing like the ancients must be doubly so) and make fun of their culture, history and people and do so under the color of humor. Classy! So let's replace the word "Mormons" in this article with shall we say... "Jews" or even worse, "Democrats" (gasp). Would it be so trendy? So "funny"?

The only thing really funny about this piece (distinguishing "clever" from "funny" because bigots are never funny) is the brain chemistry of the author. It appears his deeply inhaled meds kicked in about the time he started writing. Thanks for keeping it classy. Bigotry is coming back in full flaming fashion and you're proudly leading the parade. Way to go!!!

Sorry, but this is like making fun of the Jews and that Holocaust thing. A more knowledgable writer could still extract plenty of humor from history without perpetuating the South Park level of comprehension, sort of minus 3rd grade.

Who are the mormon's to talk about bigotry? As I recall the LDS Church referred to black people as the "sons of ham" all the way up until Sept. 30, 1978. From wikipedia:

"Following the death of Joseph Smith, Jr., Mormon leaders beginning with Brigham Young instituted a policy of excluding most people of black African descent (regardless of actual skin color) from Priesthood ordination and from participation in temple ceremonies. These practices continued in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) until September 30, 1978, when the highest bodies of church leadership lifted the ban after stating they had received a revelation."

You're a joke and so is your religion just as any faith that uses arbitrary and convenient divinely inspired revelation as the basis for its inconsistent policies.

Actually I think a similar article about Jews and Democrats would be equally funny if not more. I'm also really hoping the RFT does something really special for the Scientologists...there's just to much material there to pass up! And btw the god they believe in is just as fake as yours.

That's what I love about mormons and the LDS church...they take everything so seriously they forgot to laugh. Joke's on you.

Paraphrasing Coltakashi sarcastically: "that holocaust thing" psssha! I mean after all we don't even know if it happened or not! It didn't really matter anyway...

I don't know about you, but I found that extremely offensive. The holocaust wasn't a thing and your lack of comprehension and education of what occurred is evident by your choice of language. And oh yeah, Jews did indeed laugh at themselves and their situation during the holocaust and jewish comedians still do. This article was hilarious, but it's quite clear from your comment you're not intellectually equipped to find it funny.