Where is the neighbourly love?

Former expat Maria Foley shares her words of wisdom about what it means to have a culture clash in the world of neighbours when living abroad.

Every picture tells a story. I don’t know what the story behind this picture is, but I have a feeling it’s not a happy one.

My mediocre photography skills don’t capture the head-shaking pettiness on display here. This is a hedge dividing two houses. If you look closely, you’ll see that the homeowners on the right side of the photo have neatly pruned the half that sits on their property, but they’ve pointedly left the rest to sprout forth in all its untamed glory. The dividing line splits the hedge in two so precisely, I suspect a ruler was used.

This is a perfect example of what my mother calls 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'. It could be a case of simple laziness, or it could be a full-blown feud rivalling that of the Hatfields and McCoys. Either way, it’s not particularly neighbourly.

As expats, our neighbours take on an importance that perhaps didn’t exist in our lives back home. Especially in the beginning, being far from family means that we’re often forced, à la Blanche DuBois, to rely on the kindness of strangers.

You stay on your side, and I'll stay on mine

Our neighbours might be the very first people we meet when we arrive, and good ones will make us feel welcome: explaining how things work, recommending doctors and dry cleaners, and generally sharing those snippets of inside information that make settling in a little easier. We turn to them in times of need, and are happy to help when they do the same.

My experiences with neighbours overseas have run the gamut. My first home in Singapore was a townhouse condo close to Orchard Road. Living there was the only time in my adult life that I’ve felt truly part of a neighbourhood community.

It was the kind of place where the kids knocked on each other’s doors to come outside and play while the moms sat on the front steps and chatted. We had impromptu parties by the pool, babysat for each other, went shopping together, and shared countless evenings in each other’s company.

In contrast, both times I lived in France my neighbours were all but invisible. In Bordeaux I once knocked on a neighbour’s door to pick up a package that had been left there while I was out. The woman who answered was polite but efficient; she completed the transaction with a minimum of small talk, said her goodbyes, and gently shut the door. I stood outside on the step, package in hand, utterly deflated.

Two neighbourhoods. Two dramatically different vibes. One important element I’ve left out of the story is that the first neighbourhood was made up entirely of expats from Australia, Japan, Mexico, the US and the UK. The second one was French.

The fact is, cultures define the concept of neighbourliness in different ways. Life in the expatriate enclave was relentlessly social, and this was due in part to the inclusive nature of the expat community in general.

But I think the bigger reason was the cultural makeup of the people involved. For the most part, my neighbours hailed from cultures where informality and openness are the norm. They had fairly fluid personal boundaries and placed a high value on overt friendliness.

The French, however, are more reserved with strangers and casual acquaintances. They’re not impolite -- their rules of etiquette are codified and deeply engrained in the French psyche -- but to those of us with less formal leanings, they can come across as being cold and, at times, rude. That, to me, is the real 'French Paradox'.

I felt quite helpless before the wall of politesse I encountered in France, and had no clue how to get around it. The idea of popping in to say hello was unthinkable -- this was Bordeaux, after all: allegedly one of the least friendly places in all of France.

(This was according to the Bordelais shopkeeper -- obviously an outlier -- who expounded at great length on the subject while carefully placing my canelés in a tidy white box and tying the bow with a flourish.)

I had hoped the legitimate excuse afforded me by La Poste would be enough to break the ice. Not so.

The role good neighbours have played in my expat life makes me even more aware of what kind of neighbour I am now that I’m back home. I still don’t know many of the people who live on my street, but I do have a warm relationship with Bill and Mary, the elderly couple next door. Mary brings me treats from her garden every summer, and I’m happy to drive them to doctor’s appointments or pick up the special sausages they like when Chef Boyardee goes to the Polish market.

Sometimes Mary and I chat across the small hedge that runs between our houses. Standing about two feet tall, it’s more decorative than divisive, and Bill prunes it regularly -- all of it. I’d say that’s mighty neighbourly. Don’t you agree

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7 Comments To This Article

I did not have any better in Canada during the first few years after immigrating there. You can find bad neighbours everywhere not just in France. As you mentioned a hedge, I once decided to trim the one dividing the house we were renting with the house next door, borrowed a trimmer and worked all day until late to make it look nice on both sides. Felt a little stupid too as it was probably the landlord's job not mine. Anyways, two days later I return home only to notice the whole hedge was cut clean to the ground and a for sale sign on our neighbours loan. Their house looked better on the pictures without that hedge I guess. Make your own judgement but if it was me I would have certainly tried to discuss first what I was going to do before ruining someone else's work like that without warning.

For nearly three years I have been friendly and helpful of my neighbours (a French couple). They recently had a large extension built which means my garden is now overlooked. I didn't complain and was fully supportive. I decided to put up a few small trees and shrubs to help with the privacy. I told them what I was doing and was very friendly about it. They viciously attacked me saying there was no need and now don't speak. The atmosphere is horrible. I wish I'd never met them. I'm never going to France if this is what the French are like.

I agree with Albert. The French are more reserved, but once they engage, they are usually very good friends. They do have a code about minding their own business and it often goes to the extreme. However, we (Americans) have been here 5 years. Most of our friends are French. The expats we know, mostly British because few Americans live in our area of Normandy, fall into two camps. Those who love France, learn the language, and involve themselves in the community. And those who came to Franch because it's cheaper, find fault with the French and rarely bother to learn any of the language. Of course, there are grey areas in between, but generalizations often stem from truth. If you make the first effort without coming across as pushy or gauche, the French are quite friendly and helpful. [Edited by moderator]

We have a small holiday home in a tiny village (hameau) in Haut Languedoc and have had quite a different experience. Our neighbours (all Franch; no ex-pats) have been very friendly and helpful. They keep an eye on the house and let us know if any problem arises.

Why did Louise not invite the neighbours for a quick drink before her daughters birthday party ? We have had live concerts at our place that went very late into the night , we have had bonfire parties for guyforks night With no problem I must admit they all looked at us a bit strage when we put a GUY on top of the fire the first time but with a bit of explaining the whole Quartier wanted to come the next year David you get out of it what you put in We have on one side people we get on with really well we have the key's to their house

i live in the vendee and have lived here for 8 years. i have lived in England, Scotland, Denmark, Germany and in Thailand and i found them all more friendly than i have france. i feel the french view me as alien and unwelcome and have made no friends here - none!

Absolutely true. My husband and I live in the Loire Valley. I am Irish and my husband is American. Whereas we have a cordial relationship with our neighbours on one side, the people living in the house behind ours are positively hostile. Last summer, we threw a birthday party for our 14 year old daughter at home and had a small bonfire in the garden. Rather than calling over to inquire what was going on (clearly a birthday party with teenagers running around and having fun), our [Edited by moderator] neighbours took it upon themselves to call out the fire brigade. A whole team of fire fighters and a fire engine arrived at the house, ready to attack the reported fire only to find that they had nothing more than a small bonfire of old branches and leaves to deal with. Total waste of the firefighters time and tax payers money.
When we decided to build an entrance porch to our property, rather than inquiring as to what we were building, the neighbours reported us to the mairie as building without a permit and we received an official letter instructing us to stop the work immediately. I accept that we may not have followed procedures correctly (who knew that you needed a building permit for a simple porch within your own garden); I just find it sad that everything we do is met with such suspicion from next door rather than fielding a casual inquiry across the fence.