Tuesday, July 22, 2008

stanislav, a young polish plumber said... LATE NEWS

On his fund-raising tour of the Middle East, UK prime minister Gordon ben Brown addressed the Knesset. From The Jerusalem Herald and the Tel Aviv Daily Mirror.(ed. Toilets Maguirestein)

"My fellow Hebes and motherfuckers, as a son of the Scotch synagogue I say to you Shalom and thank you all for inviting me to preach in your parliament and borrow some money.

You have always been most accommodating in this area, especially in the Twelfth century back home in York, although I believe there was a bit of a communication difficulty in the easy repayments plan.

If Labour had been in charge then I would of course have taken the Hebe moneylenders into public ownership and only driven them into the sea as a very last resort - or if they refused a reasonable offer of work, down at the job centre, as we are now proposing to do in our own Final Solution.

The poor and the workshy deny lebensraum to the very hard-working and relatively poorly-paid wealth creators in the banks, the Party and the non tax-paying Russian underworld.

It is my policy, which I am sure you will all support, that we have eine Reich, eine Volk in which the poor, if they can no longer work for the rich or pay taxes, become worthless, so into the sea they must go; it is what we in the Party call compassionate Nazism. A bit like you with the neighbours up in Lebanon.

Y'know, when I was a wee boy my father was a Scotch Rabbi and so I am very much a Hebe motherfucker myself. And proud of it, only not in Palestine of course. Or South America. And I scarcely mention it with Frau Merkel. Not that I have anything to do with Germans.

In Scotland we didn't have the windows broken and the Swastika daubed on the walls thing but apart from that it was all quite Yiddish. Only we call it Presbyterianish. And instead of chicken soup our mommas made us nutritious and tasty chocolate bars fried in batter, a bit like Gefelte Fish. Only quite different

There is no God but God and Mohammed is his prophet, as our Muslim friends say, not that we have any Muslim friends making oil in Saudi Arabia. And yes, my fellow Hebe motherfuckers, I do solemnly commit my armed forces to going in there in Iran or wherever, in their rusty old LandRovers; I mean, of course, trusty old LandRovers just as soon as a) you give me some money, only not through Mr Abrahams this time and b) we borrow some ammunition off Uncle Sam.

This offer of course depends on enough of them surviving the best efforts of the schwartzer goyim untermenschen in Afghanistan and them all not coming home in tastefully flag-draped coffins and sombre music to Brize Norton and giving me an arseache in the fucking coroner's office.

As a way of recognising my own Hebeness and the very great debt we shall all owe you once you give me the money I propose to bring into government, alongside Obedience minister, Mr Jack Torture, the right honourable member for Tel Aviv, Mr Gerald Boys-Kauffman and the noble Lord Janner-Holocaust.

And if it moves the deal along a bit we could have a Holocaust Day not just once a year but once a week, maybe sing: On the Twelve Holocaust Days of Christmas, my true love (Ed) sent to me.....etc or even hold it daily, along with the citizenship obedience prayer.

In fact I could re-name the whole fucking country Holocast Island, make everybody wear skullcaps and eat anchovy sandwiches on that shit famine bread you like so much.

It is the run up to the Olympic Games, just now, and people all over the world ask me about the security implications, might terrorists take hostages and even kill them? Right load of bollocks is what I say, such a thing would never happen. It's like saying there will be a return to Tory boom and bust which there won't be even though there is. And in England, anyway, we can rely upon the Chinese Secret Service, who have allowed me to put them in charge of the Metropolitan police, under, of course, our magnificently uniformed Commissionaire, Sir Iain Bendover and our security minister, Admiral Lord Liberace-West and. Just for once, lets never mind what it says in the Good Book about sodomites and fire and fucking brimstone; if you fucking please, some, even most, perhaps all of my best friends are arse burglars.(Ed)

The former Chief Rabbi of the Northern Ireland Hebes, Archbishop Professor the Right Reverend Lord ben Paisley of Shankill Road ButchersRus, has recently resigned his office; with his many doctorates - all of them properly purchased and invoiced from the University of eBay - and his own private synagogue, his most sticky-fingered Reverence Doctor Iain and his son, Dr Iain the Second, have shown the Ulster Hebes how to do business in a modern plutocracy and we shall not look on his like again, Oi vay, although his fellow architect of Peace Through Torture, Mr Martin Kneecaps does have an engaging twinkle in his roguish eye and I am sure a few of us here wouldn't mind getting tied-up with him.

My prudent stewardship of the UK economy - burning all the money- has set us fair for weathering the shitstorm which I have created. I have instructed the British people to both borrow and spend like there's no tomorrow and to, at the same time. save every penny because there is an all too real tomorrow in which they will all have no pensions, not from the state, because I have aforementionedly, Mr Deputy Rabbi, burned all the money and not from the private sector because the directors have used all that money to pay themselves bonuses in order to attract the right kind of people.

A simple, prudent strategy, inflate the only asset which people have, encourage them to borrow and spend it in the High Street creating a false boom and when the artificially high value of the asset deflates, everybody gets fucked up the Khyber. It's called my no more boom and bust strategy and it has woked very well. Up until now.

My prudence will also have the effect of stimulating the pawnbroking sector of the economy, probably the only sector I have not single-handedly abolished.

What about the future, people ask. Well, my Hebe motherfucking brethren in Christ, as a way of burning any future money that people don't yet have their hands on. I have prudently written massive sums of future PFI debt down in the back of my rough book, where no-one can see them. This means that they won't have to be paid back until long after I am dead and up in Heaven with my father and all the other Rabbis.

It just goes to show that we in the UK have worked out how to deal not only with the economy, which is why I am here with the begging bowl, but also with with the terrorist threat, you just let 'em all out of jail and put them in government, whilst simultaneously prudently burning all the money.

You can still learn a lot from us, even though you have bought the Labour Party outright, just think how much better and more inclusive it would have been if instead of executing Mr Eichmann you had made him deputy prime minister, like we do. Murdering psychobastards can make surprisingly effective political campaigners. As I don't need to remind you.

I look forward to a positive response to our loan application and assure you that your money, like ours, will soon go up in smoke and you will never be troubled by seeing it again. But then you're used to that.

I will close now, my fellow Hebe motherfuckers, with an old Yiddish song we used to sing at Highland Bar Mitvahs:

Al-laaahhh Akhbar, Al-laaahhh Akhbar, Bismillah, No we will not let them go, not for forty-two days, No no no no no no no, All the lassies say Och, Aye, Donald where's yer foreskin ?

Thank you, thank you, no business like showbusiness. Cheques or cash will do. But preferably cash. Thank you. Shalom! Heil Hitler! And have a negilah day."