tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-243830582014-12-03T16:48:04.610-08:00I think, so I amAparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-56994909971886342942014-12-03T16:46:00.001-08:002014-12-03T16:48:04.626-08:00The Coping chronicles - Part III<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><h3 style="text-align: left;">Don't let your smile show....</h3><div>Today I think I can be free - not free of the situation but free from fear.</div><div>Today I can live, read a book, really be happy when I laugh with my daughter and cook without an eye on the garage door.</div><div>Today I think there is a plan in my life, I will stick to it when the time comes for it.</div><div>I can do it.</div><div>Yes, yes, yes!</div><div>So, can I start planning my other weekends - for e.g. plan regular yoga classes on weekends or maybe a dance class? Or get involved in some volunteer work that needs commitment?</div><div><br /></div><div>Wait...this is a bad sign.</div><div>This means things will go wrong.</div><div>Really really wrong.</div><div>I do not really have control of the situation, I am just dreaming it.</div><div>It does not depend on me, it depends on him getting home being all fine.</div><div>And the fact that I am happy means there will be consequences - there always are. Something will go wrong...terribly.</div><div><br /></div><div>Does that all sound psychotic? Crazy?</div><div>That is how the mind works.</div><div>Do not be too happy, it will lead to sadness.</div><div><br /></div><div>Do not know what is better&nbsp;</div><div>- that time when I told everyone "Hey, I am lucky, things always fall in place...yes, that was difficult, but everything happens for a reason."</div><div>OR</div><div>- this time when I think that if for a second I forget about my situation and think everything is fine, then life will strike back.</div><div>Sometimes I think that everyone must have known that I could not remain happy for so long, so this happened. Then I think, hey things were bad then too, it is just that I was hopeful that it was temporary. Now I realize things for what they are.</div><div><br />Yeah great, now I am matured.</div><div>And how does that help?</div><div><br /></div><div>Is ignorance and denial bliss?</div><div>Or are they fatal?</div><div><br /></div><div>Then I know that it does not matter what they are. Because that was in the past. And what it is, is now. Yes, it could have been different. But for better or worse, we do not know.</div><div>So, optimism might not be good, because it is in the future. Hoping, dreaming...the only good that can come of it is maybe it will relax the mind.&nbsp;</div><div>But being happy, just now, is so imperative. Else, I will lose the moment forever.</div><div>Those moments of her laughter, her naughty baiting to see if I approve, her need for my company.</div><div>Let me live...be happy...for 30 min...5 min.<br /><br /></div><div>Because when the tides turn, I have to ride them, like it or not.</div><div>So, let me feel the same inevitability in the face of happiness.</div></div>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-321642972529667992014-11-07T16:23:00.000-08:002014-11-07T16:23:18.336-08:00The Coping Chronicles - Part II<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><h3 style="text-align: left;">Being ready...always.</h3><br />I am always ready to leave, always in flight mode. From the time I enter the house after work...<br /><br />The way I leave my office bag in the car, taking care to take out only the phone and car keys, because that bag will be one less thing to pick up when we leave.<br />The way I leave her coat in the car, and sometimes the shoes, because when I leave, there will be one more pair for her to wear if needed.<br />The way I do not take off my watch, because when it is time to leave, there might not be time to pick up another one.<br /><br />The way my phone is always in my pocket, or very near me, or tucked hidden into waistband of my home pants in case I have no pocket. Because I should be able to call anyone, or 911 if needed. Or even more - because when I am to leave, I do not want to look around for it. Or if needed, put it on charge. So that I do not lose my lifeline.<br />The same way as my car keys are surely where they always are, so that I do not need time to search when I flee.<br /><br />The way I keep prioritizing my evening chores in the order that is absolutely necessary to do before leaving, to those first which I cannot absolutely leave without.<br />Like cooking so that the little one can eat, and then cleaning her up a little to feed and making sure that I use the restroom at the correct time and then drink water too. Just to be ready.<br />Like making sure the socks for her are close by even when I have bathed her.<br />Like not laying out her clothes for next day till I am absolutely sure that either he is home clean, or I have the bag close by where I can quickly grab them and put them in.<br />And to keep checking whether I can do laundry yet...so that I have more clothes, especially my undergarments and her clothes, to put in.<br /><br />But mostly, the way my bag is packed - always. Sometimes I add more stuff to it, and then take them out when I need, but always put them back.<br />Like her vicks baby rub which I need if she coughs, but I will also need if we are on the run and she coughs.<br />And I keep checking our passports in it, and sometimes agonize at night that maybe they are not where I thought they were.<br />Then I make sure I know what else needs to be in it...over and over...till I have got it all memorized, so that when the time comes, I know what I am leaving without, in case I don't get the time.<br /><br />And then I have multiple bags, at different places - Our clothes and documents and jewelry in one, her diapers, her cereals and food and some toys and books thrown in - toys that she might not miss for some days now, and then replacing them with others.<br /><br />I plan and I plan, so much so, that flight does not seem desperate but seems more like an adventure. So much so that, sometimes, when I feel things are not right, I hope this is it, and I can leave.<br /><br />And then I am reminded that the adventure will not last long, it will give way to fatigue, and self-doubt, and the need to plan and answer questions. And then I breathe a bit, and hope a bit and lie down beside my daughter and take a sniff of her smell, making her respond with either a hug or a push in her sleep.<br /><br />And I cope...one more day, some more living...and more plans.</div>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-34458843778454132362014-09-26T14:41:00.002-07:002014-11-07T16:24:37.256-08:00The coping chronicles - Part 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><h3 style="text-align: left;">So tired.</h3><br />I am so tired.<br /><br />Not tired as in 'tired of telling you this a million times'. Or tired as in bored. But tired as in exhausted.<br />Exhausted so much physically, mentally and emotionally that I could probably sleep for a day and yet wake up exhausted.<br /><br />Exhausted because this takes up so much of my energy, my time and my mind that it stops me from doing anything else, and it takes a lot of my effort to keep this out of my mind. And mind is just one part of the story, the other parts being my body that needs to remain ready for flight any time, needs to be up late nights to make sure my child is safe and needs to work extra hours to make up for the time lost in covering for him when he is out of commission.<br /><br />Sometimes I wish I could get lost. Then I remember the way my daughter needs me, wants me around, the way she is scared and runs to hug me, and I know that I am all that she knows right now, all that she depends on and trusts right now, and I start fill stifled when I think how she must feel if I go away, if she never sees me again in this world where she does not want to be with anyone else.<br /><br />Tired, just tired. Tired enough to not want to think any more, to move any more, to do anything any more.</div>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-36385780112657744952014-02-06T10:33:00.002-08:002014-07-31T15:39:52.823-07:00Being normal: Chapter 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">"I love you," said he, as he leaned forward to catch her eyes when she stepped out of the car.<br />She collected her bag from the back seat and closed the door. Sensing his eyes still on her, she smiled back. "Yeah, I love you too."<br />He nodded and drove away.<br /><br />She slipped her freezing hands into gloves as she walked towards her office building. That was not automatic, she thought. No, it was not. Did he understand? Would he remember, if he understood, that she had told him once that she would never lie to him blatantly? Or would he put it down to her stubborn refusal to forget things &nbsp;and move on?<br />She felt her face thawing as she entered the building and walked towards the elevators. It was so much easier to keep doing the same thing, hoping that things would improve, hoping that what was happening, or, as he put it, what had happened, was just a "one-off" incident. Incident - that very word seemed like it happened to other people.<br />But still, it was also safe to keep to the routine.<br />There was comfort in routines.<br />&nbsp;In not letting on how close to the edge you are...<br />&nbsp;Holding on to the things that were normal otherwise...<br /><br />The laptop monitor lighted up, telling her things that she already knew from her phone. Four meetings, seven mails to reply to, fifteen mails to read and assimilate and file away for reference, three more tasks to complete. It still meant to lot to her - &nbsp;this job, the perks, the respect...the normalcy. It was ironic - when people said they want an adventure, they want to shake things up, they wished things were not routine, she was sure they did not mean this. Normalcy was so underrated.<br />Wow, that was a statement. She smiled at her reflection on the dark screen beside the open document and winked at herself. It reminded her of Esha.<br />Esha - the way she wiggled and twirled to the music, smiling to herself, the way she insisted on something and would not take no for an answer, even if it meant that you gave her grapes before washing them, the way she seemed suddenly vulnerable when she looked at her mother for approval...so vulnerable!<br />Someday...she mumbled to herself...someday everything will be normal.<br /><br /></div>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-33969271087648079492010-08-16T23:09:00.000-07:002010-08-16T23:09:52.679-07:00Of dim lights and evenings in the big house in the narrow lane in KolkataAs I sat on my bed, tapping on the keys of my laptop, I felt that the light was a bit too dim. Dim lights and US seemed like a rare combination till I realized that it was because of the general tendency to keep bedrooms dimly lit, sometimes with no ceiling lights at all and just lamps. Lamps have always meant romantic for me, but that was when I associated them with well kept hotel rooms, not with a room where I wanted to do my work. And today, this dim light, reminded me of low voltage, load-shedding and loosely plastered walls.<br /><br />I am talking about my Dadu (grandpa)’s place. The house was old, is still old, probably a hundred years old, as it had been built by my mother’s grandpa. Even now, it is a grand house to look at, once you walk through the extremely narrow lanes wide enough to just allow a rickshaw to pass through, and then stop and turn right (or left, depending on which direction you are coming from) and catch a glimpse of it marking the end of another, slightly wider, but extremely short, lane with a dead end. Standing at the entry of that short lane, the house looks like a backdrop of a stage, with the other smaller houses leading up to it. The verandah would usually have clothes hanging to dry from the lines. The verandahs of other houses are so closely squeezed with each other that someone, who had a steady head and did not mind heights, can jump or simply walk to another, like a skywalk. These closely-build houses are akin to kids sitting knee to knee with each other and usually neighbors knew when the children in one house were being asked to come down for dinner, or when someone was practicing or receiving her singing lessons or being tutored in History, and of course, which house had which channel on. No, sorry, that was wrong. I am taking myself back to a time when there was only one channel on the TV, and when I would strain my ears to catch the Chitrahaar on someone else’s TV because it was banned for me at my place. Sometimes, I would lean over on the side of my balcony, and catch a glimpse of the oil lamp in my neighbor’s house who had electric connection in only one room, and the children had to study by the light of a oil lamp. Their rhythmic repetition of lines in a subject would add to the background music of radio news, television songs and my grandma’s evening prayers. <br /><br />Evening, never morning. Evening, because it was in the evening that every sound seemed to be more prominent, maybe because they were not lost in the perennial cawing of the crow or the vendors shouting out the rates of fish as they rode past on their bicycles and neighbors calling out to each other from their own balconies.<br /><br />Also evening, because evening makes me sad, nostalgic and reminds me that the day is over, and I am getting old. In that house in Kolkata, it reminds me of people long gone, of perpetual melancholy underlined by low-voltage lights. It also reminds me of the smell of rotis being roasted on earthen ovens and the sound of my grandma’s heavy aluminum ‘Khunti’ (long flat spoon) on the tawa as it turned the unroasted wheat rotis over and over, so that each one was roasted evenly. I can almost smell the curry that we would have with it – usually aloo-potol dalna(potato and parwal curry), the gravy smelling of ginger and cumin and having a slight tangy taste due to the potol. I would wait for the rotis folded at one side of the plate and the slightly thick gravy and vegetables on the other side, and feel the ginger warming my throat as I ate.<br /><br />But before that, I would be sitting with my book, trying to complete studying those pages as determined by Maa and would soon get distracted by my shadow on the wall. I would listen to the bells from the temples and sound of the evening Araati, and get the breeze on the face from the balcony, cooled by the wet saree and ‘gamcha’ (thin cotton towel) hanging on the clothesline, left by Maa and Dida (grandma) after their evening shower. The air would smell of incense, curries and smoke. Sometimes I will see a small hole in the wall, and will try making it larger, marveling at how easily the outer plaster broke, but I would be very careful not to create a mess on the floor but gather the pieces and powdery plaster and throw them away when no one was looking.<br /><br />The house is still there, but yes, the people are no longer there. Some are no longer in this world, and some, even if they do come back to it, no longer add to the character of the house. The neighbors’ children are grown up, some stay there still and some have moved, but every house now has electricity and off course, a variety of TV channels. The sounds are different now, and maybe one of those children would remember them and a decade or two later, mention how different things are.Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-21330923660977678762010-06-16T22:33:00.000-07:002010-06-17T10:29:13.745-07:00Rajneeti: Predictable but engrossing...along with strong characters, fertile women,&nbsp;large dialogues&nbsp;and extremely bloody violence.<br /><br />There are movies, and I have seen many over the last couple of years, in which one needs to hold ones breathe to wait for the better scenes to come by, or 'indulge' some parts of the movie either because one hopes the other parts are better or one has read rave reviews of the movie. Then there are some other movies where we have been asked to leave our brains at home. While I occasionally do enjoy those movies, sometimes they become so mindless that the head hurts. <br />Fortunately, Rajneeti does not fall under any of the above. The storyline, though predictable due to it being adopted from Mahabharata, is still engrossing. Add to that some 'karara' dialogues and strong characters, and it was a great watch for close to three hours.<br /><br />However, a movie which truly reflects a lot of research put together also throws up some glitches, and I wish they did not exist and we could have had a 'perfect' movie.<br /><br />1. Naseeruddin Shah: What was he doing in the movie? And how believable is it, even for a young girl, who hero-worships him, to actually have one-night stand (for want of a better word) with him? Given that the total screen time was all of 10 minutes or less, anyone, slightly younger and a little more attractive, could have done a better job, seriously!<br /><br />2. Character building: For a movie which rested on larger-than-life characters and grand dialogues, the characters were oddly one-dimensional. For e.g. it is not clear whether Ajay Devgan's character was only evil or if he had some goodness in him. He has been under-utilized and though in some scenes he lets his expressions speak volumes, for e.g. in the scene where he is introduced to the party cabinet as the new member, he does not really have much to do in the movie. Ranbir Kapoor's character is an utter confusion, or maybe I am getting this wrong - he is restrained, but much too restrained. Given his character's decisions and actions in the movie, I am not sure whether he really had any emotions for anyone. On the other hand, Arjun Rampal's character had a lot more shades, and whether it was due to his acting or the way the scenes came up, he comes across as a slightly disbalanced character - swinging between extreme emotions of tender love and violent hatred. And the mother's character - if the wooden face was to symbolize stoical sacrifice, the mother coming to the political party office and telling Katrina that women are always sacrificed in the altar of politics or something to that effect, was so very stereotypical. And 70's.<br /><br />3. Weak scenes: What was the need of the mother-meets-illegitimate-son scene? Was it only to stay true to the epic? It just seemed as if the director had thought that there would be a scene, but then did not think what the dialogues should be. Otherwise how can one explain the mother's plea to the son to come home, and in the same breath, try to 'bribe' him with the highest post in the political party? <br />The sexual-favors-given-for-the-party-ticket scene between Shruti Seth and Arjun Rampal was crazy. Agreed that the scene was supposed to highlight that Shruti Seth's character was giving Arjun sexual favors for a party ticket, but the way she&nbsp;keeps repeating&nbsp;it in orgasmic tones when Arjun is apparently 'getting there' is ludicrous.<br />The scenes between Ranbir and Katrina, especially when Ranbir comes clean about his feelings or lack of feelings for her, is badly handled, or maybe badly acted. Katrina, till that time, had been good as the girl-in-love person, but that particular scene is devoid of any strong emotions, from any side. <br /><br />4. Fertile women: Ah, this was my favorite. A few days back, rediff had done a feature on how some <a href="http://movies.rediff.com/slide-show/2010/jun/10/slide-show-1-ten-things-we-miss-in-bollywood.htm">things are not seen in Hindi movies any more</a>. Well, of those things which have remained the same, this movie brings back the extremely fertile women who become pregnant after their first sexual encounter. Every 'good' woman in the movie - Katrina, Sarah, Ranbir's mother, were epitomes of fertile womanhood.<br /><br />5. Jerky editing: Songs were not required, but if they were put in, then they need to be cut off at a logical point. This was most apparent with the 'Ishq Barse' song. Also, due to editing, I am sure, the underlying logic of planting a car-bomb was not made clear. On the face of it, it looked like the oppostion wanted to kill Ranbir's girlfriend, or any random person in their family who would go to the car. But probably, and this is just a hunch, they wanted to kill Ranbir, because he was considered more of a problem? I am sure the director did not want to leave this 'why' to be worked out by the audience.<br /><br />Though the criticism that I have seem many, I genuinely liked the film, and would be happy if there are other films which can have at least the standard reached by Rajneeti. I would differ from everyone's opinion about Ranbir's acting though. He was fine, but I have seen him act better, and his character having more versatility - in Ajab Prem or Rocket Singh. Here, all that was needed of him was to smoke silently and keep his face devoid of any emotion. <br />It was a relief to see Nana Patekar so constrained and his breakdown in just one scene.<br />But my favorite was Manoj Bajpai -&nbsp; he rocked!<br />And oh, Katrina should take Hindi diction and acting classes.Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-58421381720973936702009-04-30T12:02:00.000-07:002009-04-30T14:46:06.473-07:00The unreal life continues...<em>(An emotional retrospective of first year at Duke MBA on a flight just after the last exam)</em><br /><em>Warning: Uncharacteristically long post ahead</em><br /><br />I take a walk from the school to the parking lot, happy to hallucinate being here forever.<br />Being here, living the life that I have loaned from myself, to live that dream which I had nurtured over the last decade.<br />It still seems like a dream worth living.<br />And what a fabulous dream-come-true life this has been:<br /><br />Downing liters of refillable coffee. Staying up nights, so much so, that midnight seems to be early, or else getting up earlier than an 8AM class to complete assignments.<br /><br />Being so busy that you feel guilty when you are relaxing.<br /><br />Preparing before classes so as to survive that ‘cold call’, so that not only the Prof, but also the classmates do not think that you are stupid. And also to get those elusive marks allotted for class participation. And then, even after being comfortable in your class, preparing it because it is a habit.<br />Then, preparing, simply because you love the subject. Or the girl/guy who sits next to you. Or you have a crush on the professor. Inane reasons? The result is the same. Not sure when one reason gives way to another.<br /><br />Learning to agree and disagree more than ever before. Learning to be surprised at self for agreeing or disagreeing when you had decided the opposite.<br />Dissecting real cases, recommending unreal solutions, unreal because they seem so simple that it is surprising no one thought about them, and that brings in that doubt as to whether they will work in the real world. Come to think of about it, maybe having an outsiders point of view helps you take those detached decisions, which you cannot take if you are in the company itself.<br /><br />Learning the hows of the American life, spiced with accents from around the world, and customs so varied that they usually are contradictory. Learning to laugh at the quirks of your culture, and the essence that you carry within yourself…all over again.<br /><br />Tackling rejections from employers, club cabinets, leadership positions…all the time…well, simply because everyone here is good, too damn good.<br />And then, unlike in undergrad, trying to cope with everything on your own, knowing that probably half the people, if not more, are going through the same thing, so maybe you should not disturb them. The other half, well, they might be too busy, or too successful, or too something to bother. So, you are on your own, pretty much.<br />And so there are support groups, sometimes, counselors, sometimes, some more cups of tea and endless talks which usually skirts around the issue, trying not to discuss it. More indirectness, a little more stress, higher stakes, more depth and intensity, because there are probably very few raw emotions, every emotion is tasted, rolled over, chewed and then lived.<br />And yet, getting surprised, when something inanely emotional and overtly sentimental finds tears stealing up your eyes.<br /><br />A few impulsive decisions, not many. And those sometimes seem to be the best that is ever taken.<br />Getting family, friends, pets trained to the fact that you are pretty much gone unsocial – not only because you are busy, but also sometimes, you do not want to share what is on your mind and some phone calls might just make you do that, so you intelligently avoid making those calls. Going from writing long mails describing student life in the beginning….to updating Facebook status regularly, simply to feel connected to “fellow suffering souls”.<br /><br />Going from loneliness, to learning to stay alone, and then suddenly realizing that you are not alone.<br /><br />Realizing that narcissism and image building are two different things – one does not naturally lead to another.<br /><br />Not realizing when ‘I don’t know what I want to do’ became ‘This is interesting’ and then ‘I would really love to, but will it work?’ One more year left to know, or maybe just to be comfortable that you would never know, but would not be afraid to find out and do everything all over again.<br /><br />And finally….driving a red beetle…sometimes on a rain-swept road, sometimes on a road bordered with azaleas, sometimes through dark nights, and almost always reveling in the realization that I am moving, am going places…albeit literally.<br /><br />It’s been every bit an adventure that I had dreamt about but it has now opened the doors to more adventures…a risk that has now led to more risks…<br />Life has gone from a safe, warm cocoon to a uncontrolled wave of thinking big, falling down, getting up and trying again.<br /><br />And that is getting addictive….<br /><br />And what is worrying me is this: what happens when this life gets over, what dreams do I have to hold on to after that?<br /><br /><em>“Ankhon me jiske koi toh khwab hain…khush hain who hi jo thoda betaab hain<br />Zindagi me koi arzoo kijiye….phir dekhiye…” (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1230165/">Rock on</a>: Phir Dekhiye) </em><br /><em><br /></em>P.S.: I understand that there were also ropes course, campout, around the world dinners, take home exams, networking and interviews, symposiums and case competitions, Fuqua prom, 80's party. But those need explanations to people not living it. Emotions do not. And not-so-strangely, as I sit in my 6 and a half hour long flight, and look back, I remember emotions.Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-50796945108667413812009-04-21T21:37:00.000-07:002009-04-21T21:52:22.418-07:00Summer afternoons - never did change much.Then<br />-------<br />Temperature: Touching 40 degrees celsius<br />Friends.<br />Hurriedly gulped down lunch.<br />Green, raw, sour mangoes. Ripe and green guavas.<br />Hide-and-seek in the gardens separated from each other by wire fences which were easy to pass through.<br />Not a single boring, dull, quiet moment.<br />"Do you know what teacher said today?"<br />"Fatso cannot climb trees, hide him behind that pile of wood."<br />"If you don't listen to me, I will not play with you."<br />Dreams, fun, adrenaline, opinions, worries, emotions - all at once, nothing can wait for the other.<br />Life couldn't wait too...<br /><br />Today<br />-----<br />Temperatures: touching 30 degrees celsius<br />Friends.<br />Hurriedly gulped down lunch.<br />A few mugs of coffee...or maybe many.<br />Cherry blossoms. Tulips.<br />Yellow pollen on cars.<br />Some allergies, some early morning rendezvous, wi-fi coffee shops.<br />Team meetings, sessions, job search, projects, parties, trails and walks.<br />"So what's up?"<br />"I think you should..."<br />"Why don't you..."<br />"I really want to..."<br />"I really don't know."<br />Dreams, fun, adrenaline, opinions, worries, emotions - all at once, nothing can wait for the other.<br />Life still can't wait for us...<br /><br />So what's changed?<br />Nothing, except for a gap of 20 years in between.Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-84977630011836175072008-11-10T17:58:00.000-08:002008-11-10T18:08:20.385-08:00Babysteps to normalcy....To decide anything...and not explain why<br />To smile...and not wonder why<br />To spread out my arms...and not be asked why<br />To be happy...and not know why<br /><br />To listen to a song ... just because I want to<br />To write a story which ends happily...without any twists<br />To talk as much as I want...without a thought<br />To step down a way...without a plan to reach anywhere<br /><br />To read a book... and only remember how I felt<br />To hold a hand...and not speak a word<br />To rush through emotions...and not be forced to change them<br />To shake my head at everyone else...and just hug myself<br /><br />To live...and be happy...and drift...and just be....without explaining...without reasons...<br /><br />P.S. This is probably the worst I have ever written, but this is what I feel like, now. To just be, without explanations.Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-60067837749003205462008-02-18T05:56:00.000-08:002008-02-18T05:59:25.686-08:00What time of the day am I?<a href="http://www.the-n.com/games/quiz/3321"><img src="http://www.the-n.com/media/quiz/badges/timeofday_quiz/1002.gif" border="0" /></a><br />You are breakfasty, like a pile of pancakes on a Sunday morning that have just the right amount of syrup, so every bite is sweet perfection and not a soppy mess. You are a glass of orange juice that's cool, refreshing, and not overly pulpy. You are the time of day that's just right for turning the pages of a newspaper, flipping through channels, or clicking around online to get a sense of how the world changed during the night. You don't want to stumble sleepily through life, so you make a real effort to wake your brain up and get it thinking. You feel inspired to accomplish things (whether it's checking something off your to-do list or changing the world), but there's plenty of time for making things happen later in the day. First, pancakes.<br /><br />Link via <a href="http://blog.tanushree.info/">Tanu's</a> blog....Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-42066131491606905002008-02-14T05:10:00.000-08:002008-02-14T05:11:04.490-08:00You know you have been reading too much Harry Potter when......there is a mail asking for entries to a 'Treasure Hunt' contest, and you think about a niffler.....Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-5823335788844806952007-12-11T22:01:00.000-08:002007-12-11T22:02:35.771-08:00She who was born this day....Some people do not breeze into your life...they waddle in, look around and suddenly announce with a bang that they are there...and as you wait for the confetti and glitter to settle down, you suddenly realize that that will take some time to settle, and you might as well get used to the glitter around...because life is not going to be dull anymore!<br />She is the one with whom I can talk ceaselessly on no topics at all.....<br />She is the one who would say 'yes pleeeess' if I mention going out after work...<br />She is the one who would add 'if it is ok with you', while suggesting an evening out for dance and drinks...and not make me feel guilty for refusing....<br />She is someone whom I am scared to take for granted, yet, someone who would probably not make it an issue if I do...<br />She is the one who would perfectly understand what I have talking about when others would be wondering why I seem to be speaking in English, and yet not making any sense...<br /><br />Flamboyant and bubbly...<br />Energetic enough to pull me along to a fun evening, when I vehemently complain about long working hours...<br />Lazy enough to share coffee with on an evening of books and writing novels...<br /><br />Someone who I know is different from me in ways which would make me seem like an utterly boring and dull person in front of her jazz, yet I have never felt that way... well, some people are unique that way....<br />So here's wishing she has a unique birthday full of everything she deserves....here's wishing <a href="http://tanushreep.blogspot.com/">Tanu</a>!!Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-31669438775377544282007-12-11T21:53:00.000-08:002007-12-11T21:59:15.651-08:00I completed Nanowrimo....<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_SQOAneNvF_o/R194q4LEosI/AAAAAAAAAAU/KsqutHVqxiY/s1600-h/nano_07_winner_large.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5142961977509061314" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_SQOAneNvF_o/R194q4LEosI/AAAAAAAAAAU/KsqutHVqxiY/s320/nano_07_winner_large.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><div><br /><div>Here's a small note to say that I completed Nanowrimo this time around too....but my novel is far from over....so taking their advice and not touching it at all for some days....to re-start editing and adding once I am through with enjoying my free evenings....yawn!</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div></div>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-45140947458889328582007-11-05T00:36:00.000-08:002007-11-05T00:44:04.242-08:00Sorry about the long vacation....This is a brief post to tell everyone who reads this blog that I am sorry for the hiatus...and it is not over yet....and yet am actually writing a lot.<br />From August till October end, I was writing essays - first for the exams and then for the applications. A couple of days back I realized that in one and a half months, I have written about 20 essays....that too about topics I have never thought that I could write more than a sentence...topics like your career, goals, leadership....I can now speak at length about focus of my life and working amidst diversity and team efforts. If that sounds like bragging, it isn't - it is just being said to show how pathetic my condition is....I can actually conduct a whole workshop for a couple of days on managerial qualities now. Phew!<br />Now that it is out of the way and the waiting period has begun, I have shifted to more familiar challenge, yes, I have registered for <a href="http://www.nanowrimo.org/">Nanowrimo </a>yet again...<br />This time, I do not know where I am going, because I do have something in my head, but somehow they do not want to come out on paper. Also, the destination is know but not the path....am hoping that will make me write it all out with more energy and passion.....but after 20 essays, the thirst (or should that be hunger) to put words and characters on paper and bind them to a story has diminished to a whole lot...so wish me luck!<br />See you all post November with hopefully good news...Adieu for now....Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-11788674591761218312007-08-08T02:48:00.000-07:002007-08-08T03:24:05.285-07:00Absolute surrender to grief...<em>Sadness carries with it an excess baggage</em><br /><em>- the baggage of explaining why you are sad</em><br /><em>Then, the patience to listen to why you should not be sad</em><br /><em>All the time, a part of you agreeing to what the other person says....</em><br /><em>Yet, resisting the 'silver lining' thrust at you, </em><br /><em>Refusing to let anything take this moment of grief away from you...</em><br /><em>Pushing away cheerful rays because you want to grieve...alone...</em><br /><em>To grieve, uninterrupted, letting the gloom wash over you</em><br /><em>Bundling you up in its wet warmth, so that you feel yourself melting into it</em><br /><em>When the grief becomes you and you become the grief</em><br /><em>Letting it fill you up and flow out of you</em><br /><em>- And finally, feeling it leave you in soft ripples</em><br /><em>A moment bereft of all feelings</em><br /><em>To wait, for the precise time</em><br /><em>When a patch of sun will be seen after the eclipse</em><br /><em>- When birds start singing again</em><br /><br /><br />When I am sad, I usually push it away, trying to reach out to happy people, somewhat making it slightly clear that I need help, because I want to be so desperately happy now. I tune in to happy songs, happy smiles, happy vibes, all the time, the sadness gnawing somewhere.<br />I hate sad songs, almost all the times.<br />I avoid sad novels, movies with sad endings.<br />And then, suddenly today, I heard this song, which I had heard long back:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.mp3hungama.com/music/index.php?action=album&id=373">'Deewaron se milkar rona achchha lagta hain'</a><br /><br />It felt like something I was waiting for, to draw me in, and fill me up.<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">Updated note:</span></strong><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">On reading through what I wrote for grief, it suddenly felt as if I was describing the summer rain...so futile to resist, so warm and wet to get drenched in it, and so much of an in-between feeling if I run away from the first few drops to dry ground.....</span>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-70126757925142948612007-08-03T04:34:00.000-07:002007-08-03T05:21:16.505-07:00Counting on my fingers...sounds familiar?What was the date again...23rd...no must be 25th....she was sure 'it' started after they had a major customer release in November....the freeze date was 22nd, so it must have been 23rd....no wait, let me see, it was a Friday, because she had planned to go shopping after office, but once it started, she felt too sick to go....so that makes it 25th....so 25th it is. Now add 28 to it, and so this month 'it' should happen on 23rd, yes, that's right.<br />She mentally marked the date and then thought some more. If 'it' starts on 23rd as it is supposed to, then she cannot really go on the trekking trip that same day. Might as well cancel the trip, if they cannot postpone it. But what if 'it' does not start on that day...and starts later once the trip gets postponed...<br />--<br />She felt a familiar unpleasant sensation in her stomach and grimaced, unbelievingly. Instinctively, she looked at the calendar, and then at the day-date watch on her hand. Well, it was not time yet...'it' was supposed to start next Friday...so why in the world is 'it' starting today? Should she see a doctor? Oh, forget it...'it' may not start till later....it was probably a niggling pain before it actually started...<br />--<br />She pinged her friend. 'I want some chocolate, and also feel like having cheese...'<br />'Ah ok, it is 'that' time of the month for you?'<br />'You bet...I feel like fighting with everyone today...oh hell!'<br />'Happens...'<br />--<br />The gynaec scribbled on the writing pad and wrote what looked like a list of doodles with balloons and loops.<br />"Take the first one for three days at the beginning of the cycle...then give a break of five days...then the second..."<br /><br />She was still calculating the days in her mind as her husband started the car.<br />"Those medicines...too much calculations for you, right?" he asked, sympathetically.<br />She grinned. "I am used to it. Have been doing it ever since I got my first periods..."<br />"I see. Is that why you are so good at counting how many drinks I have in the pub?" He made a mock sad face.<br />"Sorry about that." She said feelingly. "But probably that's the reason, that and counting calories at the back of the chips packet..."<br /><br />Inwardly, she mused, "And they say, a woman is bad in Maths..."Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-6937886013853538052007-07-26T22:39:00.000-07:002007-07-26T23:25:45.832-07:00...as if am cycling after a long time....It's been more than two months....that's regretful...what's even more regretful is that the moment I typed the word 'regretful', I thought I should use the dictionary to double check...and so it was that I realized that somehow I am unable to translate 'bade dukh ki baat hain' to english....<br />It surely feels as if I am cycling after a long time. It is as if I used to pass the old bike kept under the staircase, each time I came down the steps and opened the door to go out, and it will ask me, silently, "Today?"<br />I would stop, think, then shake my head and run out. No time, what will others think if I was awkward on it, what if the onlookers think that I am just being self-indulgent, what difference does it make if I don't ride it.....enough doubts to push me through another day.<br />And so it went on, till it has now been over two months that my fingers have not sought out the familiar keys on the keyboard, in fact, barring a few blogs, I have not even written comments on blogs where I was a regular visitor. The thoughts, which were always random, have now become clouded....one does not end before the other begins, and each one do not exist to fill more than a line, and they are tiring. And as I realized how technical I had suddenly become, I also realized that I was not really happy till I write. True, I don't write masterpieces, but then, how does it matter?<br />So, here I am, taking out the dusty cycle, and starting off with a ring of the bell on the handle...can't say 'I am back', because the next post might be a month off....but then, I am happy today....<br />To everyone who had been checking my blog some time for a new post....thanks a TON...here's hoping we meet up on this blog some time soon.....Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-16006607033095076122007-05-08T09:41:00.000-07:002007-05-08T09:49:06.332-07:00On screen hero....off screen?Do you remember the penultimate scene of <em>Lage Raho Munnabhai</em>...when the bridegroom goes missing...and then you see him standing alone, slowly taking off his <em>Shehra</em>....and many of us let out a collective gasp as his face got uncovered?<br />That was Abhishek Bachchan on screen, in one of his many guest appearances, playing a much-in-love, care-a-damn-about-superstitions hero who weds a Manglik girl, mouthing dialogues like 'Tumse shaadi karke shayad main mar jaun, par tumse shaadi nahin karun toh main zaroor mar jaunga' (Maybe I might die if I marry you, but I will surely die if I don't marry you), or something to that effect.<br /><br />And this is Abhishek Bachchan off screen, who made one of the most beautiful woman in the world marry a tree because she is a manglik, before he ultimately married her.<br />Was there anything different in his situation on screen and off screen? None.<br />Was there a difference in his behaviour? Ummm..........Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-18674366181902555572007-03-14T06:33:00.000-07:002007-03-14T07:00:28.318-07:00I could have...but then thought...what if...<em>You are out to change the world</em><br /><em>You are not going to take anything lying down</em><br /><em>You are going to protest the first time you see someone </em><br /><em>- cutting down a tree</em><br /><em>- talking about women's place being in the kitchen</em><br /><em>- smoking in public</em><br /><em>- asking for a bribe</em><br /><em>- forcing child labour....</em><br /><br />Sounds familiar? As if that 'you' <em>is</em> you? Or does it feel as if that 'you' <em>was</em> you?<br />How many times while growing up, while attending seminars or debates on environment, on World Health Day or in a drive towards 100% literacy, have we all thought that we will change the world? Or maybe even, that we will bring a change to the world?<br />How many times have we unabashedly lectured other people about not spitting in public places or not smoking in a bus, unmindful of grumpy faces or patronising or even amused looks around?<br /><br />What stops us from doing that now?<br />What makes us say - let it be, doesn't matter, come on now, forget it.....?<br />What makes us brush it all away with so-called 'maturity'? Are we really that matured or is it something else?<br />Is it our age? Then why do we still feel young at heart and are not scared to show our love for teddies and chocolates?<br />Is it our image? Then, why do we consciously try to break that image?<br />Is it our meek acceptance of reality? Then, why do we go against the set norms in other ways?<br />Is it a fear of being laughed at for being too driven? Then why aren't we afraid to be said the same thing when we drive ourselves to perfection at work?<br /><br />The answer is not known to me...am just thinking why....perhaps it is the complexity of life as age adds on more layers, more colours....unlike the simplicity of childhood and the passion of teenage....<br />Any answers?Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-190188092915698182007-03-06T06:28:00.000-08:002007-03-06T06:56:50.114-08:00Sheesh...did you say 'SEXY'?A short apology:<br />It's been some time now that I blogged, but no excuses here, except that my daily itinerary did not include blogging for that 'some time'. My apologies to those other blogs where I was previously a regular reader and commentor, but was recently missing from the scene.<br /><br />So, what have I been up to?<br />Well, to start with, am still not decided whether I want to see Nishabd or not. The pros are that if I watch it with a "open mind", people might regard me as "open minded" or "hep" or "non-aunty", and who knows, it might just turn to be a decent film with a story after all. The cons are of course that it is a RGC film, whose recent films, other than the aptly-remade-godfather 'Sarkar', has a storyline equivalent to half an hour, which stretches to two hours. And I also do not get turned on by female butts, legs or drenched white shirts on female bodies... Even then, this might be one of his better movies, so am waiting for someone to give me an honest review, someone who is not awed by RGV and is comfortable with "bold" subjects, so as to view the film impartially without feeling the need to either feel overwhelmed or ashamed about the subject.<br /><br />When on bold topics, I found <a href="http://ia.rediff.com/movies/">Rediff Movies</a> has flagged off a discussion about <a href="http://www.rediff.com/movies/2007/mar/06bolly.htm">"Who is Bollywood's sexiest actress?"</a> as a pre-cursor to Women's Day. Of course, I have found rediff throwing up weird topics of discussions all the time, but this time, it is the messages by people who really really entertained me, and made me write this post. Do visit the site when in need of a few laughs any time during the day. A few samples:<br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">'We need to discuss the same, as Indian women changed a lot and Millions of ppl atill looking a change like the slut Mallika sherawat and we can find the same from our cities like Bangalore, Mumbai'</span></em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><em>(</em>Now Mallika is a s***? Why?)</span><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">'I really do not understand why such a stupid question has asked on eve of Women's day.India is country where <strong>women gets a lot respect</strong>.I think it is better if you would ask 'Who is the best Women Personality ever produced'?? '</span></em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">(Sexy means disrespect?)</span><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">'This is the most disgusting way of celebrating Women's Day and to celebrate the contributions of the fairer sex. I wish Rediff does not stoop down to become a X rated site. Please avoid such nonsense.'</span></em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br />I could go on and on, but the fact remains that even now 'sexy' is supposedly a dirty word, and might even be used to mean disrespect. A mere mention of the word make Indians start about our 'culture', and how 'women are respected' and how 'western culture is spoiling us'. Makes me feel that all these men and women who react this way actually feel threatened by sexy people around. A classic case of grapes are sour?<br /><br />What do I say, except perhaps to thank my stars that I at least stay in a city where I was not lynched when I wanted to send flowers on valentine, and my western outfits are tolerated....Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-1167978084937577472007-01-04T22:03:00.000-08:002007-01-05T04:38:47.253-08:00In my own way....When something troubles me, and refuses to leave my head even after chewing over it alone, and with friends for almost a month, it is time to put it down here. A simple story, which I cannot remedy, and probably cannot compare to countless tragedies around, but something that made me question the professionalism of a leading company.<br /><br />A person very close to me is doing management in marketing from a recognized college, though not a great one. <br />At the beginning of her second year/third semester, companies were invited for campus itnerviews and placements.<br />It was a lovely day on which I got a missed call from a familiar number, and on calling back, I could hardly hear her voice above everyone cheering and apparently congratulating her. "Hey, know what? I got placed in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hutch_%28Indian_cellular_company%29">Hutch</a>!"<br />"What's your designation? Where will you be posted?"<br />"I don't know yet. We have been asked to visit their office next week, on thursday, to get our offer letters."<br />"Gosh, I am so happy. How many of you got through?"<br />"Only two of us - me and a guy."<br /><br />Thursday had to be postponed by a couple of weeks because of impending semester exams around the same time, and after getting a medical test done as instructed by a mail from Hutch a couple of days later, she landed up at the Hutch office, in a city separate than where she was studying, at 9 AM one morning along with her classmate. What followed was a long wait.<br />Her classmate was soon given an offer letter, to work in the field, i.e. a semi travelling job.<br />When she enquired, she was told that <i> they did not know what to do with her as she was a girl </i> !!!!!! They cannot put her in the field, and they do not know if she can be absorbed elsewhere. <br />On further probing, they said that she might need to be interviewed once more, this time by the person whom she would be reporting to, and that person was on leave. And...<i>they did not know when that person was to be back from leave</i>...amazing!<br />So, she barely managed to get the last train home after that, and still managed to retain the cheery and optimistic outlook....optimistic enough to hope that they will contact her college.<br /><br />Two weeks went by with no news, and it seems they still could not say when her would-be-boss will be back from leave.<br /><br />Finally, when the college ultimately called up to ask what to do with her, as her fate was left hanging indeterminably, they replied, "Oh we don't have any vacancy for the post that she wants!"<br /><br />Hello, which post did <em>she</em> want? Wasn't it you Hutch people who decided not to put her in some post and try her for some other post?<br /><br />Lots of questions come to mind:<br />1. Didn't the person/persons sent for the campus interviews know what they were supposed to look out for, for e.g. the job is not suited to girls, so do not take girls, etc.?<br />2. Even if they found out that it had been a mistake, couldn't they call up the next day and inform the college about it? <br />3. Even after that, when she lands up at their office, couldn't they be honest with her?<br /><br />It seems this is not the first time, even last year, they had done the same thing to another girl.<br />The college keeps allowing them to come back, coz they pick up at least one student for employment...heh<br /><br />I wish I could sue them. <br />I wish lodging a case could be of less hassle (though with the number of useless cases against celebrities, you would be forgiven if you believe that Indian judicial system is easily accessible and cases got solved in a month). <br />I wish I could really sue them for <br />- unprofessional behaviour<br />- unethical practices<br />- sexual discrimination<br />- missed opportunities while waiting for the offer letter<br />- re-imbursement of all travelling expenditure<br />- mental harrassment and trauma<br />- and for destroying the confidence of a person who was born to be in the marketing department, and is always bubbling up with confidence and a cheerful smile.<br /><br />At least, that would warn them...but would it?<br />Or would it be regarded as another ridiculous court case in a country where my parents had to attend court for two years to make a realtor pay back their money, even after the cheque that he gave them had bounced and there was clear evidence that he had stolen their money?<br /><br />Well, I probably will never know till I do it. <br />But in my own way, I can at least blog about it....Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-1166514646625412792006-12-18T22:16:00.000-08:002006-12-19T01:04:51.213-08:00Random post...for a special birthday!Long gap...much longer than when I wrote the whole month, and supposedly had no time to post...probably because once I don't write for some time, it takes me time to write anything, anywhere.<br />Weird gap, with a few experiences that made me do a re-think about almost everything life stands for...things which should be left behind to be forgotten...lessons which should be carried forward and never forgotten. What probably caused the gap in this writing was the time taken to sort out what should be carried forward and what should be buried deep.<br />At the end of it...life continues...almost the same as before.<br />At the end of it...the choice is always ours. And once we make a choice, we lose the right to blame anyone else for it.<br />The sad part was we had an accident, our car got grotesquely squashed in front, it was a long painful night, and then of course, India fared horribly in one-day cricket, people lodged stupid lawsuits on movie scenes, autos in Hyderabad went on strike to protest against digital meters (read: governments move to stop them from cheating the passengers)....and wintery mornings bring in mostalgia.<br />The happy part is we were not hurt, thanks to seat belts, the insurance company agreed to pay up their part of the bargain made when we took the policy, the memories of the night are slowly drifting away, enabling me to take a more humorous look at it, and then of course, India won the first test match against South Africa, Manu Sharma got convicted for murdering Jessica Lall in spite of Mr. Jethmalani bringing in weird, unrelated stories, and autos are back on the road today...whew!<br /><br />Which means all is well with the world.<br />Which means I can feel warm and cozy and loved and appreciated...and confident and emotionally successful....and full-of-milk-of-human-kindness and overflowing with postive emotions and all that...and ready to spread cheer around.<br />Which means the timing is right....and the winter air seems fresh but warm...and the icing on the cake was pure rich chocolate...so here's wishing the special person in my life a very happy birthday!<br />For all the times we have laughed at each other and at others together....for all the times we have fought with each other and with others together....for all the times we misunderstood each other or understood too well, but never said so...for all the times we decided to part, only to decide otherwise in a few minutes....for all the times we thought it was all over, only to restart it all over again....I would just want it all to be the same, especially when it comes to you...<br />So, here's hoping that on this birthday, you remain the same as ever...and take on life with the same enthusiasm, same passion and the same goofy smile as you always do and come out trumps!!Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-1164867684910577272006-11-29T22:15:00.000-08:002006-11-29T22:25:23.783-08:00I did it!!<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/910/2528/1600/318127/nano_2006_winner_large.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/910/2528/320/167449/nano_2006_winner_large.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />I am the winner on <a href="http://www.nanowrimo.org/">NaNoWriMo</a><br />My novel is over, now with 55K words, and though it is not a book which I myself would have bought off the shelf, no it is nowhere near to a classic or even fit to eb submitted to a publisher, I am happy that I could write a whole novel in a month. Wow...I am so very happy!!!!<br />And extremely sad too - the whole month was such an adventure, that now December seems to be too bland. Yawwnnnnn......now I really need some sleep after the late nights.Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-1164548617813774592006-11-26T04:49:00.000-08:002006-11-26T22:29:43.003-08:00Dhoom2, looking sexy, speed and sequels...Warning: Slight spoilers ahead (does it matter?)<br />So, I watched Dhoom 2 today, and I was bored! <br />I went to enjoy myself, but I am still yet to understand why I did not find the movie interesting. Opinions will surely differ from mine, and I had loved 'Dhoom', unlike many others, because it came off as an entertaining movie with loads of gloss, speed, good music and crackling funny and taut dialogues.<br />And Dhoom2 takes it further...it is glossier, slicker, has better dances, and loads and loads of action, and one sizzling hot Hrithik Roshan. Well, yeah, John Abraham was hot too, and his hotness quotient was heightened by a strategically placed tatoo (as pointed out by one of my friends), but Hrithik - well, um...mmmm...yep, delicious. There's just one problem, he looks too honest to be a schemer and a thief. So, they make his character emotional, make him fall in love with the first bimbo who dotes on him, and make him give up being a thief for love, make him look more like an artist, and in general make him a lot less criminal.<br />And that spoils it for me. I am all for criminals/villains being handsome, hot, good dancers, sleek talkers, et al. But, to make a villain less villainous in a movie of police and robbers, takes away the edge from the whole experience. The conflicts are always more enjoyable between opposing elements, not between good, and slightly good. This is a action movie with razor sharp dialogues, not a psychological deep drama, so it should not try to be deep and pretend to highlight humane nature of criminals.<br />Which also brings me to Abhishek, as his is the character which should give Hrithik's character a solid fight. However, unlike in the first Dhoom, here Jai Dixit (Abhishek's character) is more relaxed, and has his own set of Hawaiian shirts, bead braceletes and white shoes. He is still sharp, hard nosed and dedicated, but, he is not projected as boring any more - he is cool, suave (somewhat like his many other roles nowadays) and charming. Honestly, I love a charming Abhishek any time, but, when (1) We have a super cool, sizzling hot Hrithik around, let's keep the adversary boring and deadpan, it helps to retain some charm of Abhishek, so that we can always say later - 'Oh yeah, they were together in that movie and Hrithik did look hotter than him, but you know, he was not projectted <i>that</i> way in the movie, so we cannot judge and conclude that Abhishek is not as hot as Hrithik'<br />(2) Abhishek had already been the same cool, suave and charming, with a sense of humour in at least six movies between the last Dhoom and this one, it would have been something 'different' to see him as boring and deadpan.<br />So, bring me back the dark-brown-jacket clad Abhishek, who has no charm, and just one borrowed pink shirt, but efficient and dead-on when he moves.<br />In short, keep the emotions low, the conflict high, and the sequences taut and racy and not mushy. And ok, you can throw in heroines with barely-there clothes for the guys.<br />Which brings me to Ash - her clothes or lack of them, her tan, her highlighted golden hair, her put-on attitude and her silver-white eye shadow (or was it the concealer - damn, I can never get these right). Also, her lips quivering when she is 'torn' between duty and emotions, her lip-lock with Hrithik and her much-publicised bikini. Sorry, there was no bikini-clad Ash, but then, the clothes she wore, or did not wear, were slightly covered off shoots of the bikini. Ah yeah, Ms. Rai did reveal to us much more of her anatomy than she had ever done,with highlighted cleavage and also tried tapori-MTV-american-accented language, but if hot meant anorexic bodies in tiny bits of clothes, then my opinion about men and what they find hot, has now touched the pits. I know this is unkind, and people might put this down to one more 'Ash-bashing', but in my opinion, she is in Dhoom2 just for the shock value. It is actually not her fault, she does her best, but what the role needed was a heroine who would look sexy kicking ass, a-la-Shilpa Shetty in Dus, but they took Ash and made her into a heroine who is delicate and mushy.<br />As a jealous rant - I am still thinking what made Hrithik's character fall in love with her - the fact that she preferred burgers over salads, the fact that she asked him to make her his partner ('take me', she hisses), the fact that she can play pretty good basketball compared to other girls (as per his statement) or the fact that she mouths inane dialogues about trust and all that crap (yeah, the dialogue here is crap).<br />All right, so what did I like, after all my complaints? The answer, surprisingly, is Uday Chopra with his Nagpada principles, his english and his dreams. Everytime, he is there, he gives me something to chuckle over. And teaming up with Bipasha's twin sister, they provide some scenes for me to look forward to.<br />Ah well, Bipasha...well, she is fine, in both roles, in the denims as well as in the bikini, probably hot, and much more natural than Ash. In fact, she is delightful as the bumbling, silly, yet hot twin sister.<br /><br />The second thing that I liked were song picturisation and choreography, though not the songs themselves as much as I liked the songs of Dhoom.<br /><br />The colours, scenes, stunts were good, in fact, very good. But the chase sequences were too lengthy.<br /><br />Lastly, I have now realized why I had also not liked 'Phir Hera Pheri' but had liked 'Krrish' and 'Lage Raho Munnabhai'. The common thread here is - story. Both Krrish and LRM had a story, different from their first part. In fact, different or not, they had a story. In case of D2 and also PHP, the story was non-existent. Agreed, even Dhoom 1 did not have a story, but it did not matter then. It matters now, because the pattern geting repeated brings in boredom. And no amount of Hrithik's rippling muscles and rubbery dance moves than cover that. At least, not for me.<br />For those whom the above complains don't matter and Hrithik and Ash are all the pull that matters, speed on with Dhoom2! Who knows, I might just see it a second time, if no other movies come up, and might just enjoy it, as I now know what to expect!Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24383058.post-1164370127840523052006-11-24T04:03:00.000-08:002006-11-28T03:49:18.406-08:00Rock the road...I am listening to 'Kya Mujhe Pyar Hain' - the remix from 'Woh Lamhe' over and over again. And each time, it makes me try out a new step of dance in my head.<br />I suddenly have this feeling that this song will go very well...if we stop the car on a road sometime late at night...somewhat like the KBR road in Hyderabad...roll down the windows and put this on full blast.<br />I can almost see myself dancing on the road in that late hour, with the car stereos blaring out this song....yeah ok, I know that sounds bollywood-masala-crazy...but what do you do if a song induces you to think that way...<br />Once more then - O ho ho ho...oho oho oho oho...Kyun aajkal neend kam khwab jyada hain....<br /><br /><strong>Update:</strong> Download it <a href="http://www.bollyfm.net/bollyfm/movie-mp3.php?mid=1215">here</a>Aparnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17465535925292456208noreply@blogger.com8