15 Things People Struggle With In New Relationships

Love! It's hard. Here's what to watch out for so you can make your new relationship last.

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"It's difficult is to know where you stand in a new relationship, because people's emotions don't necessarily develop exactly the same speed," says Irina Firstein, a licensed couple's therapist in New York City. "That leads a lot of anxiety about how does he or she feel about me, am I going too fast, do we want the same thing, but it's hard to have a heavy duty discussion about that early on."

"I think it's really important to really, really pay attention to what's being done and not what's being said," Firstein says. "Somebody can say, 'I really like you so much, let's go on a trip next [month]'...and then they don't call for days." Actions definitely speak louder than words in relationships, so listen to what your partner does, not what they say.

"It's difficult is to know where you stand in a new relationship, because people's emotions don't necessarily develop exactly the same speed," says Irina Firstein, a licensed couple's therapist in New York City. "That leads a lot of anxiety about how does he or she feel about me, am I going too fast, do we want the same thing, but it's hard to have a heavy duty discussion about that early on."

"I think it's really important to really, really pay attention to what's being done and not what's being said," Firstein says. "Somebody can say, 'I really like you so much, let's go on a trip next [month]'...and then they don't call for days." Actions definitely speak louder than words in relationships, so listen to what your partner does, not what they say.

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Anyone in a new relationship spends a fair amount of analyzing (texts, dates, sex...) but Firstein says you need to do that without overanalyzing. Obviously, that's tricky, but "a new relationship is a very grey area," she says. "It's important to see how a person responds to your advances and where they go with it – do they shut it down? Do they expand on it? How often they want to see you? How much time do they want to spend with you each time they see you?" Putting too much stock in just one interaction will drive you crazy.

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Some milestones, Firstein says, include discussing if you're exclusive, meeting each other's friends and family, and handling the holidays. It's important to realize that in a new relationship you won't necessarily be together at all events or on the holidays, she says, because certain friends and family can take precedence. However, she says that if a couple has been together for over year, those expectations needs to be "fleshed out."

Figuring out when to disclose trauma like sexual abuse — or any STDs or severe illnesses — to your new partner can be tough, says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a licensed sex and relationship therapist in New York City. It's important to not throw everything out on the table immediately. "My expression is, you put a toe in the water," she says. "You don't just jump into the deep end of the pool." Reveal the information by explaining that it's because you want to get closer to your partner and it's an important part of your past, she suggests.

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"There are boundary issues with exes that can appear at different times in relationships, especially today with social media and everything," Firstein says. "Certain things have to be clear and defined." She advises discussing how you handle talking to an ex or whether it's OK to see them in person, for instance.

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People have different expectations about alone time, Firsten says — for instance, you like your free time but he wants to spend every split second with you. You need to talk about that. "Then there's the issue of leading separate lives," Firsten says. "Do we always do everything together or can I have drinks with my friends alone? With people from work? I think that all needs to be discussed."

Revealing this crucial part of one's history can be hard, says Fleming. She suggests people in this situation tell their partner that their illness is something they're challenged with, but to let them know how they can help by clueing them in to warning signs.

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Could politics stop a relationship from ever existing? "Some people hold their politics and beliefs to such a high standard that they wouldn't respect somebody who didn't share certain core beliefs," Fleming says. But depending on the situation, that doesn't mean your stance is a death knell to your relationship. "You might have opposing views, but one party might not be as invested [in politics]," she says. Either way, it's worth talking out.

Megan Tatem

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If someone has an issue with sex — be it painful sex or something else — that will need to be dealt with. "Sexual dysfunction will come up pretty early on," Fleming says. It can even be empowering, she says, if a new partner is supportive regardless of any issues.