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I don't understand the way she thinks.

December 29th, 2017, 02:08 PM

Hi,

My girlfriend and I live in two different countries (They are far from each other). I met her on Facebook, and things slowly became love. Two years after we both traveled and met. And a year after that we met again, and decided that she would move into my country, so we can see where it leads. That was a year ago. She had a fall off with her parents a few months after she came back from our trip. Her father is the controlling type, and her mother is not really a mother, so she left the house, she rented an apartment on a low income salary. Things have not been easy for her. I helped when ever I could. Her sisters barely helped her, her parents didn't even ask for her well being. She had a childhood of insecurity and lack of love from her parents from what she told me.

Problem #1:
Last time I saw her was December 2016. We planned on meeting in march 2017, she kept postponing, and I have yet to see her. In July I proposed I would travel to see her in her own country, and I was met with heavy resistance on her part, I would even describe it as aggressive. She said she didn't feel comfortable with her self in her current situation (lack of money), she has a lot of her mind, and that she wants to travel to another country with me, so she can get fresh air, and relax.

Problem #2:
We talk every day, on every possible opportunity over whatsapp for the past 3 years. But when it comes to video calls, she always finds excuses.
Even before we met, she was doing an internship in the far east, or when she was completing her studies in Europe, she would always avoid a video call.

Problem #3:
A few months ago she decided to buy a house, just in case things don't work out between us she would have a place to fall back onto.
She reestablished the relationship with her parents, and her father has helped her with half of the money for the apartment, and the other is from a loan from the bank.
In her current job, one of the female employees is in bed with the employer, and this employee is making my girlfriend's life a living hell. But my girlfriend cant quit, because she needs her employer to sign a paper that would allow her to take the loan from the bank.
At first she wanted to buy the house before moving to my country, then she didn't want to buy the house, then she went back to the original idea. And now suddenly she started speaking of Canada, and asking me if I would move with her to Canada.
She is unable to make her mind up.

Problem #4:
When everything is fine, she says I love you, she talks to me about making babies with me, and creating a house with me, everything is beautiful.
But when I comment even slightly on the decisions she is making, or on how she is dealing with her problems, things escalated very quickly, she calls me egoist, selfish, no empathy, and that she doesn't trust me.
For example: When I told her she could fix half of her problems by asking her father to be her guaranty at the bank instead of asking her employer to sign the paper, she said I was selfish, and I only want her to get apartment fast so she can come to my country sooner, and that I dont care how it will make her feel (hurt her pride). From my point of view doing that would allow her to quit her job, find another one, where her life would easier, and not daily torture, which means less stress.

Problem #5:
I have no experience in serious relationships, I have no clue how a relationship works, I have no experience in it.

My questions:
Why doesn't she want me to visit her in her country ? Does that answer make sense ?
What is with those video calls ? And she is tall, sexy body, a beautiful face, and a smile that can melt mountains. I don't understand.
Why can't she make up her mind ? Is it trust issues in general ? Or trust issues with me ? Or she is uncertain about her love for me ?
Am I just suppose to listen to her talk about her problems ? Just be supportive, and not give my opinion ?

She doesn't want you to visit her country because she is not committed to your relationship. If she were really into you, her lack of money and her 'a lot on her mind' would be a non issue. She wants to travel to another country to get fresh air and relax???? WTF? Who is going to finance her travels and relaxation?

She can't make up her mind because she isn't sure she wants to be committed to you. Part of her enjoys your online romance, but a larger part of her understands that it's probably not going to work out. I don't think it's trust issues so much. Yes, I think she is uncertain about her feelings for you.

My questions: If her salary is so low, why is she buying a house? Why would her boss sign for the loan? Is he going to be responsible for the money if she defaults? That doesn't sound kosher to me.

Why would she want to buy a house and then move to Canada?

As for problem number 4, what people say to you is inconsequential. It's what they DO that has meaning. She can say she loves you all day long and wants to make babies with you, but her actions prove otherwise.

Let me give you a clue as to what to do. Tell her to have a lovely life and block her from contacting you. Stop trying to create impossible romantic relationships. I'm sure there are women who are not in foreign countries whom you could learn to love.

"What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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Everything you said, I already thought about it, I am just asking if there is a slight possibility she is genuine about her feelings towards me ?
Because I know what I need to do, but she is going thru a hard time, and she is the real deal then I will miss out on an opportunity of a life time.
I just need to know if I missed an angle, another explanation for her behavior.

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"First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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Everything you said, I already thought about it, I am just asking if there is a slight possibility she is genuine about her feelings towards me ?
Because I know what I need to do, but she is going thru a hard time, and she is the real deal then I will miss out on an opportunity of a life time.
I just need to know if I missed an angle, another explanation for her behavior.

Opportunity of a lifetime? Bwhahahahahahahahah get real. if you married this person and have to ask questions about her behavior that alone is enough to tell you, you don't even know this person. I smell troll and if not a troll, complete ignorance.

Opportunity of a lifetime I can't stop laughing.

There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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My instincts tell me it is the right thing to do, it simply feels right. And I know how all this sounds, but think about it, what do I have to lose ?
If this relationship fails, I lose nothing of value. If this relationship succeeds, I have a rock solid partner by my side.

I am here to ask if I missed an obvious answer. I am missing something, or perhaps something I can not grasp.
Can it be her pride ?

And no I am not trolling. If I wanted to troll you, I would make up a believable story, suck you into it, and then troll.
Or go on steam (gaming platform), and make up ridiculous discussions to trigger 15 year old squeakers.

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Well, do pardon some of us for having judgmental reactions, but how on earth can we take you seriously when you lay out this elaborate story about an uncooperative love and then fail to mention that you had married her? That's kind of significant.

Now you say that if the relationship fails you will have lost nothing of value. Really? If you don't value her, why are you pursuing her?

"What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Comment

Well, do pardon some of us for having judgmental reactions, but how on earth can we take you seriously when you lay out this elaborate story about an uncooperative love and then fail to mention that you had married her? That's kind of significant.

Exactly. OP obviously knew we'd all tell him he's an idiot for marrying someone under these circumstances.

she isn't sure she wants to be committed to you. Part of her enjoys your online romance, but a larger part of her understands that it's probably not going to work out.

I suggest you follow Sarah's initial advice and stop wasting time on this fantasy. She isn't going to magically turn out to be a solid partner. You haven't seen her in over a year and every time you've tried to arrange a visit she's aggressively turned you down.

Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.