Why INFJs Can’t Let Go

For INFJs, our past is
often a difficult thing to let go of. I should know. I’m writing to you today
from sunny Europe. I’m currently in Serbia visiting my family, the very place
of my past I wanted to escape so badly.

INFJs don’t run from our past per say. The main issue is that most of us had
difficult times and don’t want to go through it again.

Because INFJs see meaning
in everything, especially what happened a year or ten years ago, letting go of
it feels like we are losing a part of ourselves.

Why my past haunts me as an INFJ

As I mentioned, I found myself traveling to Europe this winter. When someone asks me why I decided to travel such a great distance, I would usually say to see my family. As much as that’s true, there’s one more hidden reason I don’t share often.

Being an INFJ like you, I too am not immune to all the bad things that happened to me in my past. I already wrote about my bullying years, fears of abandonment, and failed relationships.

What I didn’t share with
you is that all these events left me with present nightmares.

I made a mistake thinking that by moving continents I would be able to let go
of the old me and embrace the new improved Marko. Nope. Like you, I too have a
problem letting go. bad, only the good what happened in that relationship,
friendship, or career.

What’s left behind is not easily forgotten for INFJs. It’s like a ghost that
haunts us whenever we want to let it go. It’s like the evil Casper twin (made
this up but you get the idea). In my case, the past is represented through
endless nightmares. You’re probably wondering, why did I go back to where it
all started?

We can’t let go of our past, but INFJs can move forward

There is no magical let-go-of-your-past
technique that heals you in a week. This is a process that takes months, even
years. There’s no need for you let go of your past right this second, but it’s
not healthy for you to live in it forever. You’re not going back there, so why
not see what’s in front of you instead.

I returned to Europe so that I could face my past self head on. It doesn’t
matter where we go if we constantly run from something or someone. No continent
or country will bring that inner peace if you don’t embrace it from within.

I naively thought that I would
forget everything bad that happened by simply shifting continents. Of course,
that didn’t work. So instead I made a decision to face my past, once and for
all. Which is something I suggest you do too my INFJ friend.

You are not the same person you once were. No matter what wrong has been done to you, that time is long gone. Make a conscious decision not just to move forward, but to look your past in the eye and say:

“I’m not who you think I am any longer.”

Stop running and let it go

Stop running from your previous self. I’m not going to say that everything happens for a reason, or it had to be like that. But I will say that you are not what happened to you.

You are how you choose to
respond to circumstances past and present. Regardless of how much that previous
version of yourself was different, you still did all you could in that moment.

Let it go. You’ve had enough sleepless nights, teary eyes, and skipped meals.
It’s time for you to look forward to what’s coming, and to enjoy where you are
now.

There are two things we
can’t change, our past and other people. So why ponder further about it?

Instead, accept what happened. I’m not saying you should love it, just
acknowledge it. No one is asking you to forget what happened, but when you
understand that your past is not who you are, your INFJ mind will give you that
necessary peace.

For the sake of that brave, little INFJ who ached for support when you needed
it the most, and for that future unique gem who is begging you to keep moving
forward, forgive yourself. Make an apology to your present self, accept that
you did all you could, your very best.

Your past might not have been pretty, but it’s gone now. I admit it, I got
emotional writing this part, because I’m sharing it from the same place where I
was hurt the most.

But healing doesn’t start on
the other side of the world. That spark needs to be lit when you put your hand
on your gentle INFJ heart and let go of your past.

Self-care is not just long baths, candles, travel, meditation, or mantras. It’s
that moment when you give yourself the permission to live your life the best
you can.

But most of all, it’s when you realize that everything that ever happened to you is leading you to where you want to be. I think that’s worthy of not looking back, don’t you?

Do you have difficulties letting go of your past? As always, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below!

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26 Comments

Becky A
on February 20, 2019 at 1:07 pm

“There are two things we can’t change, our past and other people. So why ponder further about it?”
Other people. I needed to read that right now. Thank you.
We cannot make them understand us. And it doesn’t matter if they don’t. We are who we are, just keep the circle small. That might sound confining to others, but we know how necessary it is to be careful who we open up to. Better to be mysterious than misread.
Another great post that redefines my mindset. 🙂

Hi Marlo. I appreciated your article and the one on birthdays.. so far I’ve read these 2… I think as an infj, your writing is clear and elegant… perhaps partly due to it not being your native language, ironically, perhaps an advantage for compared to the wirdsmithing excesses we ( I?) tend to do …? I’m not nit picking, but, if you want anyone to check ( rate and minor) details of a article, I can check if you like… .. eg “ make everyone understand” or “ get everyone TO understand “. But not make plus to .. ( ps that’s minor n tricky English construction issue… simply described the get is basically passive and make is active of the first subject .. and had a forceful nuance … ie gently said “ get them to do” sounds more negotiated result ..). Too much help ? Sorry.
Anyway. Great article with insight and helpful advise. Your willingness to be vulnerable and speak in dignified way to peoples pain was gratefullyvreaf by me. Thank you very much

Ps I hate my birthday. As a related ides to this other story, perhaps we ( people generally ? Infjs ? Could celebrate our “ rebirths “ after such times which ( I hope ) changed us for the better , and reassess the total “value” of past… just a thought… Thanks for your writing. Bye

Thank you so much for these insights Scott! 🙂 No worries, this helps, thank you so much! And thank you for sharing your thoughts on the topic. 🙂 I would agree with you, and that kind of a celebration you mention would resonate with INFJs much more.

Becky A…you have expressed my exact feelings… The thing is that people don’t seem to get this concept, I learnt this the hard way, but a lesson well learnt.
I try to help support people in the process surrounding this. I find we all need to learn a way around understanding how it works for not only ourselves, but those that are struggling to come to peace with this particularly (often) difficult answer to an age old situation…I came to peace with my childhood at a young age……..but it proved to be far more complex than it seemed at the time, so it took an illness that nearly ended my life to work through much of my previous stuff..

Those that are wise & able to reflect on what happens in the past & also those individuals that can be toxic & or wreak havoc in our world (s), either currently or from the past, those that have been particularly cruel to us, we need to find a way of working through it & leaving as much of it behind as possible, which isn’t always easy…. keeping this in mind we need to remember this is our life that we need to be looking after, sometimes we need to be deeply selfish in someways, otherwise we can become enablers…

We need to find the balance so that we can live our own truth’s, but also remember that we need to be supportive of those that need us, but also be aware of those that will try & take advantage of our kindly nature

Yes this makes sense…but with INFJ, we tend to carry the emotional baggage more than the past (remembrance’s) per se…I know what you’re saying, but being a true INFJ, I knew I had to find away of tamping down the emotional content of this baggage that was easily triggered around the past & those things that were difficult & painfully sensitive…
Those of us that are empath’s often have that added difficulty, in my case I found it took a lot of work, along with self reflection, soul searching, through 6 months in hospital quite some years ago, as the only person that I was with, was myself…

Hey Marko, I’ve been reading a few of your posts on here and this one has really resonated. Thanks a lot for sharing this. Re: letting go of things, I (as an INFP), can also relate. I have been undertaking my own self-care these last couple of years (therapy, yoga/meditation, journalling, etcetera). I’ve recently started looking into Stoicism (I’ve started on Ryan Holiday’s “The Daily Stoic”). As an INFP and empath, it’s all a work-in-progress. Thanks again.

This really hits home for me. I’ve struggled with two main issues that I haven’t been able to move on from: bullying in school (like you mentioned that you endured), and an incident that happened three years ago with a client of my old accounting firm, which rocked me both personally and professionally (it’s a really long and complicated story). The latter was party my fault (which I did apologize for), partly the fault of one of my bosses at that firm, and partly the client misunderstanding my intentions (basically, I had romantic feelings for her, but she felt I was suggesting some salacious). I quit working at that firm for a number of reasons, but this incident was the catalyst, as I felt I needed to get away from both my firm and the client (her office is only two blocks from my old firm). So I started my own accounting business out of my home for about a year, then rented space from a professional colleague in a different town nearby for a while…but circumstance last summer dictated that I relocate my office to a spot back in the previous town, pretty much right in between my old firm and the client’s office. I’ve seen the client since then on the street we both work on, and even though we haven’t spoken, it’s clear she is still upset with me. But even while I was working in a different town, I couldn’t escape thinking about the whole mess; therefore, I’m glad that I’m not running away from it anymore. I don’t believe I ever would have healed by staying away from the town it happened in; I needed to be able to see her and know that it wouldn’t kill me, that I can make it through.

Congratulations, Marko! Letting go is so important. I came from a really crazy family situation. I have worked through so much over the years – sometimes with a counslor, sometimes with God. I now can see how what happened led me to where I am now – I am doing incredible things that makes my INFJ self soar. I do make a lot of money, but I am making a positive difference in my world. I told my counselor, “There is an ecstasy I am experiencing that I have had before, and it is not from being in love with someone. It is loving where my life is and where it is headed. Blessings on you as you travel this journey. It isn’t easy, but it is so very worth it!

Letting go is just the thing thats been on my mind lately. I lost my wife of 22 yrs only four months ago. Even tho it was expected, it still crushed me unlike anything Ive ever experienced. Not moving forward, I understand that Im holding on too tightly to her and need to let go. Thank you for your timely article. bc

So sorry for your loss Robert…It is often difficult to let go of those that we not only love, but who have had a deep & profound effect on us…
I hope you find some peace & some support as you work your way through this grief process…
My grief & loss educator used to say in reply to the age old question, of ”how long will it take,” “it takes as long as it takes.” we all have very individual periods of time that it takes to process the ending of any relationship, whatever form this takes…
I hope you find your way through this, & also able to find peace….

So sorry for your loss, Robert. Death, expected or not, is harsh and so final. Take comfort in the fact that the love didn’t leave before the life did. You were the lucky chosen one to share that life with her. Once time starts to heal the pain I hope you can move forward with the gifts you were given from your marriage and find peace. Don’t be hard on yourself…adjustment takes time, longer so for an infj. We need to hash and rehash everything. But the sun rises again each day and life goes on, whether we’re willing or not. You will find the beauty again in each sunset, each singing bird, each rainbow. Take care!

My god, I too am an INFJ. A lot of things went on in my life, things I’d rather not talk about. The memories don’t haunt me as much as they used to, but they’re still there from time to time. But it’s good to know there are other INFJs out there and I’m still marching on.