A Very Sane and Logical Conspiracy Theory That Proves Hillary is a 'Secret Sex Freak'

It's morning in America, and everything's totally great! Don't look at us that way. You're still alive, right? Pull yourself together. We've spent the night combing the lunatic fringe of the internet for evidence that the world is coming to an end—our little hobby—and once again, we are happy to report that Armageddon still hasn't happened. Here's what did:

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James O'Keefe has two fresh pelts to hang in his underground lair. After the latest Project Veritas production, Rigging the Election - video 1 ("Election Boogaloo") caught Robert Creamer, the head of Democracy Partners, and Scott Foval, national field director of Americans United for Change, boasting about a sinister plot to make otherwise peaceable Trump supporters totally lose it on camera, both operatives are out of work. "It doesn't matter what the legal and ethics people say, we need to win this motherf---er," Foval states on camera. Matters when you get caught.

Turns out one of Donald Trump's most prominent supporters, chosen as a special guest at the debate tonight, was born in Kenya.

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The National Enquirer, one of manyseveral two publications that have endorsed Donald Trump for President, claims that Hillary Clinton is a "secret sex freak who paid fixers to set up illicit romps with both men AND women." Of course, for all we know, Hillary's "trysts," "flings," and "one-on-one sessions" mostly involve poring over maps of southeast Iowa. The issue drops today.

The DNC just took a dump all over Lawrence, Georgia. A campaign bus apparently released "human waste" into a local storm drain, turning a would-be red state a rather unpleasant shade of brown. The committee promised the local TV station that "the DNC will work with the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, as well as local and state officials to determine the best course of corrective action," though we're pretty sure a strong hose would do the trick.

RadarOnline went digging through Hillary Clinton's garbage (looking for those emails, presumably) and made what the site calls "a series of troubling discoveries." Among them: surgical gloves ("often used to handle contaminated tissue samples" the site notes ominously); fast food wrappers ("proof she gorges on a deadly diet?"); and Chipotle bowls (favors open borders?).

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Tampa and Amy Schumer have...issues. It started when the Trainwreck star and second cousin of the maybe future Majority Leader described Tampa as one of "two horrendous cities" (the other being Fayetteville, North Carolina) in her book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo. Then on Sunday night, some 200 audience members walked out on her Tampa show after she tore into Donald Trump. Last night at the Garden, Schumer fired back with an open letter to the city, that sort of apologized. "I will go straight to a rehab facility that will teach me how to make all people happy," she said. "Both the rich, entitled, white people who are gonna vote for [Trump] and the very poor people — who've been tricked into it!"

A decade ago, Donald Trump apparently called Condoleezza Rice "a bitch" in an appearance at the Learning Annex, and she finally clapped back. Asked by CNN how she felt about the dis, she replied that she "can't wait till November 9!" At which moment, a hundred million Democrats instantly forgave her for dismissing pre 9/11 terror warnings, waterboarding, and the Iraq war.

Christina Ferguson of Amherst Junction, Wisconsin, is in trouble for staging a misbegotten anti-Trump protest by allegedly smearing 30 cars with JIF peanut butter (you jelly?). Questioned by police, she denied the charge but betrayed her guilt, the arrest report noted, by repeatedly licking her fingers. (She also blew a .218, so don't judge.)

Irish bookmaker Paddy Power is so sure of a Clinton victory (or so eager to tilt the odds against Trump and avoid a massive loss) that they're already paying out on the bet—to the tune of $1,000,000, declaring that Trump's "chances look as patchy as his tan." They're still taking bets up to Election Day, however, and should the Republican come out on top, the payday would be yuge. Bets are also being taken on voter turnout, Senate races, and the chances that a nominee will resign (we can dream...).

Mini Trump (not to be confused with Little Donald), a small-of-stature performer dressed as the Republican candidate, bum-rushed the Trump International in Las Vegas on Tuesday, declaring, "I own this hotel!" while Secret Service agents watched dumbfounded. Maybe that's because the guy actually does look a lot like Donald Trump—the resemblance of his fingers is downright uncanny.

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