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May 21, 2008

All Woman

First of all, I do apologize for my absence. I would love to tell you some insanely gripping story about why I couldn't blog but it really all boils down to my being lazy, unmotivated and unoriginal.

Last night, I was trying on a bridesmaids dress I am set to wear in June and I have to tell you, I felt ridiculous. I wear dresses about as often as it snows in Los Angeles and there I was, in something satin and shiny, cleavage showing, arms exposed... My goodness, you could see LEG. Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to cry and part of me wanted to put on the nearest pair of jeans in the worst way.

I find that one of the things I struggle with most at this weight and size is my feminimity. I've always leaned a little more toward tomboy than girly-girl but all the same, I am still a woman, first and foremost. I still have my needs and wants, my curves, an unreasonable obsession with shoes and accessories... I do wear makeup... But my size, I feel, makes me so unfeminine. So much so that I wonder if my constant loneliness is more about that than about an actual desire to be with someone. maybe I just want to be with someone to prove I am fully woman.

I am not graceful. In high heels, I am heavy-footed and awkward. In a dress, I am lumpy and frumpy. At night, I am sweating in my sleep and waking up hungry from the workout. I would rather watch a baseball game than Gossip Girl and I would rather grab a burger and fries than drink wine and sample cheeses (which is not to say I have not ocassionally enjoyed the latter)... These are things about me that I take pride in sometimes but sometimes, loathe.

I wonder why I couldn't have been born one of those wonderfully, genetically skinny people? Why couldn't I LOVE to exercise and cook my own healthy meals? Why aren't I one of those people with great health and good fortune and shiny hair?

But anyway, to quote someone or another that was probably famous: "All I can do is the best I can." So I console myself with the belief that I am doing the best I can, the best I know how for right now. Which I guess isn't so bad but also, in a way, I dare to imagine I could be doing better and am missing out on how to reach that something better...

Eh. Now I'm just rambling.

I'm exhausted, though. Still. I do know that much. I am really looking forward to my long weekend. A little sleeping in, a BBQ, some Law & Order reruns... Heaven, I say.