Riverdale Roundtable 13: “The Tale-Tell Heart”

It's happening!!!!!

Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 13: “The Tale-Tell Heart.” Just in time for Valentine’s Day, join us to celebrate the pinnacle of True Love — two morally ambiguous parents rekindling an old flame while disposing of a body.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!

CC: can i just say

CC: meaningful! glances!

Jenny: HANDHOLDING

CC: fuck!! me!! up!!!!!
and right when he shows up
i’m dead bury me fp

Jenny: he was great all around this ep
not just him and alice
but fp and jug had a lot of nice moments!

CC: A SUPPORTIVE DAD

Jenny: rejecting capitalism together

CC: god

Jenny: taking care of each other
communicating honestly
finally we see jug act like a teen
“i’m in over my head, dad please help me”

CC: his first???? plan??? was to appeal to the mayor’s sense of integrity???????????????
GOD FP
making up for all 16 years of being an absentee parent at one time
“i’m not addicted to booze anymore; i’m addicted to being a great fucking dad 2 my son”
being a great crime dad 2 my crime son

Jenny: speaking of dads
let’s have a look at the worst dad
really play both sides of alice’s dilemma

Jenny: this is some bull shit

CC: how can it be real; hal cooper is a cursed scarecrow just like the fake fbi man
he wouldn’t know a feeling if it bit him in the ass

Jenny: i mean neither would penelope

Rachel: mostly Hal is irredeemable

Jenny: the best thing about him was that his shitty behavior was an excuse to feature cheryl

Jenny: cheryl was SO GOOD this ep

CC: CHERYL IN THIS EPISODE

Rachel: yes!

CC: GOD

Rachel: ok here is my problem with Cheryl
please bear with me
she is a very inconsistent character
or rather, she is inconsistently written
like, going from attempted matricide to trying to help Betty out
I just can’t get a solid read on her
and it doesn’t feel like character growth to me? it just feels like the writers are shoehorning her into whatever they need her to be

CC: i feel like anything bad cheryl ever did never happened in episodes where she is being Good
instead of Lowkey Evil

CC: so this is my read on cheryl – i agree with you rachel, I just think cheryl’s personality swings like a pendulum
like, I do appreciate that she’s a mean person who does good things even when she’s doing Good Things
at least the writers have that level of commitment to her characterization
I think I always overlook it bc I just want her to be redeemed lolsob
and to have happiness and a mansion of her own

Rachel: I want this for her and also for each of us

CC: oh ya hard same
a mansion for all; universal thistlehouses
also single payer
in 2018

Jenny: the dream
i think my read on cheryl
is that the writers know she’s a fan favorite bc of shit like this:

Jenny: (the most in-character line for her this whole ep)
and this:

Jenny: (leather pants; what an inspiration)

CC: god on a wheel that outfit was great

Jenny: so they use her where they can?

Rachel: I lowkey for a sec thought this episode would end with Cheryl shooting Hal with an arrow

Jenny: like what rachel was saying
god i wish

CC: the goddess diana takes aim at justice

Jenny: but like, she is just a mechanism more than a character

CC: the literal wheel of chaotic justice in riverdale
the narrative’s physical manifestation of the concept of justice

Jenny: ya
Also
this scene
got some great shots of the Grounds

CC: lol @ the backup mansion

Rachel: god!!! is this house located in fucking Rivendale????
is that the connection here???

Jenny: new spinoff
rivendale

Rachel: it’s all teen elves getting into dramaaaa

Jenny: 10/10 would watch

CC: yeah those Hobbit movies could have gone a lot harder
they had a love triangle in them but still

Jenny: take a page out of the cw teendrama book
fake someone’s death
then actually kill them
WHAT A TWIST
(@cw — hire me)

CC: (jenny remember me when u become a showrunner)

Rachel: lol god
the other thing I want to talk about
is that
I FUCKING CALLED IT
FBI STOOGE

CC: SAME
YEAH
I highfived my boyfriend when that came up

Rachel: hell yeah

Jenny: i mean look
he was not a good fbi agent

Jenny: you can’t just tell a teenager that people are dying because he’s a coward

CC: no uh excuse u jenny we’re actually clairvoyant geniuses

Jenny: yes obvs my b

CC: we pulled that prediction from the ETHER we are the best at plots

Jenny: i cannot deny it

CC: (lol jk you’re right this guy wouldn’t have been able to keep his badge even in this administration)

Rachel: so so so pleased with Hermione though
really just fully inhabiting her Crime Boss persona

Rachel: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY

Jenny: i bet she had andre pump in that fog

CC: maybe she’s born with it
maybe it’s just the weight of Crimes

Jenny: forreal

CC: those cheekbones tho
ok i am glad you brought that up rachel bc I think hermione is another character who has been extremely inconsistent in this show

Rachel: yes!!!

CC: season 1 hermione is what, unequivocally good?

Jenny: that was the quote

CC: season 2 hermione is picking fights w her daughter and teasing her about “daddy’s love”????
wearing outfits straight from the Dynasty set and recruiting teens to the mob family????
i mean i love the outfits don’t get me wrong
i just never know how to feel about her lol
I liked the bond she and veronica shared.
the only mom who is (was) consistently looking out for her kids

Jenny: i will say that the bond is still there, i think

Jenny: like, when v totally zinged her dad here
hermione was supportive
it’s just a behind the scenes kind of support

Rachel: I def feel like the bond with Hiram is stronger though, at least right now
like, when he teared up at the thought that Ronnie thought he was a murderer
jeez
right in my guts

Rachel: I def still believe that he killed Papa Poutine but I also believed that he doesn’t like the idea of his daughter thinking he’s a monster
like he’s trying to have that cake and eating it too

Jenny: i mean, this ep was kind of about the two of them lying to each other’s faces, right?
like w papa poutine and w v warning mayor mccoy?

Rachel: oh yes for sure
that was Good

Jenny: you know what else was Good?

Rachel: so good!!!!

CC: missed u bud!!!!

Jenny: i was v pleased with the return of vegas
reminding us that archie is a normal boy
but also reminding us of the only other time we really saw vegas (in the s2 premiere)
when archie was talking about how good his dad is!
vegas and fred are, i think, p interchangeable, emotionally
that’s my point
like they’re both stand ins for archie’s heart

CC: they’re good dads, brent

Jenny: yeah!
they ground him back in the normal human world
normal dog world
so when fred is threatened by the fake fbi man
we feel more about it bc we were reminded of vegas
dogs are important you guys!!
like in the normal way and also in the narrative way!
i have v strong feelings about this

Rachel: yeah for sure!!
the next question is, when is Hotdog coming back

Jenny: IMPORTANT

CC: yeah
the only thing we’re missing at this point
oh, real quick, on a completely opposite point
wtf is chick’s deal

CC: ???????????? why ?????????????

Jenny: i really do not know
i also don’t super care?

Rachel: I do not understand this storyline and also I do not like it

Jenny: like suddenly
he’s totally fine playing perfect family w alice?
all chocolate chip pancakes and board games??
CLUE
that was a cute bit
bc they were the murderers
in the dining room
with the lamp
what happened to all that angst?

CC: imo he’s just kinda following alice’s lead
aggressively pretending 2 be normal and not made out of crimes
just completely full of crimes
a skin suit stuffed with crimes

Rachel: I think he’s trying to sabotage the family
like, finding every reason to dig in to each individually
encouraging Betty to webcam, encouraging Alice to help him murder somebody
or cover up the murder, rather

CC: good thing polly joined that cult lol

Jenny: got out of this shithouse while she could, did polly
i mean we don’t know for sure who actually did the murder
but i guess fair it was probably chic

Rachel: yeah but either way, I think he is staying in this house to destroy this family that he was not allowed to be a part of
he doesn’t know that the family was already so shitty

CC: I have no doubt alice could murder someone if she wanted to
she could probably murder anyone she wanted to
i believe in her that much

Rachel: the only thing I am glad about the chic storyline is that it’s bringing FP and Alice closer together

CC: yeah same

Rachel: although I’m unclear about what the deal is with Jug’s mom
are they like, divorced??? separated???
what about Jellybean??

CC: I do think you’re right though rachel! that’s a really good theory.
also I think jug’s mom is Done, is the sense I got from season 1
they haven’t mentioned jellybean for a thousand years
or jug’s mom

Jenny: i would guess that it’s not an official divorce
but that they’re as separated as hermione and hiram were when she was w fred
arguably more separated than that

Rachel: yeah like is there the possibility of reconciliation???
is the Alice/FP ship doomed??

Jenny: idk

CC: NO

Jenny: i don’t think i would get back together w someone who told our son he couldn’t stay w her

CC: maybe jug’s mom is also seeing molly ringwald on the side

Jenny: yo
yes

CC: for real tho, maybe they’re just trying to find the right former teen actress to play mrs jones
ms jones? mama jughead

Jenny: ally sheedy

CC: AAAAAA FUCK
OMG JENNY THAT IS FANTASTIC

Jenny: @cw hire me

CC: @cw pls hire jenny

Rachel: it might be the only thing that can save this show
although I guess this week’s wasn’t so bad

Jenny: this week was not bad, i agree
mostly bc there was so much thistlehouse

Jenny: good good shit

CC: nana rose’s lighting guys are working overtime

Jenny: also

Jenny: i feel like maybe i’ve said it before
but Red Velvet Couch

CC: also “that gorgon” LOL

Jenny: yeah my god alice the medusa of my heart

CC: oh shit! bc snakes! ahhhh!
goddamn it!!!

Jenny: so Good

CC: y’all ready for final thoughts?

Jenny: yeah i think so
my final thought here

Jenny: is that betty’s going to have one heck of a college essay
“talk about an experience that really impacted you”

CC: i mean, definitely
absolutely

Jenny: put this shit next to, apparently, an internship with toni morrison and you’re gold

CC: can you get a scholarship for therapy bc if so I nominate betty right now

Jenny: lolsob

CC: my final thought is
I was listening to the Dad Feelings podcast’s recent episode about Riverdale dads
and somebody said that to keep with the former teen heartthrob casting, the show should have cast Freddie Prinze Jr as Hiram and
i can’t
i’m so glad they didn’t

Jenny: god same

Rachel: omg!!!

CC: I’d refuse to believe he did anything wrong, even if he killed a dude in front of me

Rachel: yes

CC: i love him too much to see him do crimes

Rachel: god it would be great if he was in the show though
maybe a handsome future teacher??
the new mayor???!?

CC: GOD
i can’t wait
i mean but on the other hand, he might be v busy voice acting all my fictional crushes LOL
so i am fine with leaving him to that v important work

Rachel: lol fair

Jenny: i mean he was in a couple episodes of The Witches of East End so it could happen
get back to working w madchen

CC: he and sarah michelle gellar were both on star wars rebels
this would be a natural fit for that Power Couple lol

Jenny: my god yes

Rachel: hmm my final thought is that
I’m back on the Jughead train yall!!!!
hell yeah I liked him in this episode, he was a sweet boy

Jenny: i did feel bad for him when betty was too busy covering up a murder to tell him that she loves him too

Rachel: yeah!!!
and he got all nervous
so cute
so!! cute!!!!

Jenny: and i did like that he talked to his dad about his feelings
but still idk
i don’t trust his face

Rachel: I just want him to always be this good

CC: i mean telling a boy that you had to help your mom bury a dead body is p much the same as “i love you” in my book. same level of vulnerability.
look man Betty is a Doer; her love language is acts of service so jughead is nailing it this week
helping dispose of the murder victim’s car
bringing in an experienced professional to help with cleanup
so thoughtful
doing all the emotional labor
doesn’t ask to help at all; he just does it

Jenny: honestly that what all tv needs more of
men doing all of the emotional labor

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror in blood during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets.
CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel is a big weirdo that likes to design in Photoshop and code in JavaScript. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.