Tuesday, January 4, 2011

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Raunchy videotapes by a naval captain shown to sailors in a combat zone have left Navy brass stunned by its use of profanity and gay slurs. "How can we expect our personal to kill this nation's enemies if they're offended?" asked Navy spokesman Commander P.C. Hawk. Capt. Owen "OP" Honers, commander of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Enterprise, made the crude tapes several years ago while the Enterprise was deployed in support operations off Iraq and Afghanistan. "An unoffended crew is a more efficient crew," declared Commander Hawk. "If you're not wounded by harsh language and bawdy humor you're more capable of loading cluster bombs onto an F-18." Hawk believed the tapes "crossed a line." Explained the Commander, "In recent years, the Navy has set down guidelines on what constitutes approved bawdy shipboard behaviour in a battle area. Clearly, this tape transcended those guidelines. Put simply: the Navy will not tolerate intolerant behaviour while vaporizing this country's foes with two-thousand pound bombs." Hawk believes that once the Navy demonstrates its commitment to tolerance, reenlistments will skyrocket. "Everyone wants to stay in a service dedicated to diversity." As the Enterprise deploys once again to the waters off Afghanistan, it will do so without the relieved Capt. Honers. And while his career is finished, sources state Honers has been contacted by both VH-1 and Comedy Central who want him to head up their teen programming. (Image: Porcelain Theology)