As I gazed at the brightly lit but slowly darkening sky, I couldn’t help but be awed at the double irony of the situation.

Last year, I managed to convince myself that to live without her would be an absolute travesty. It was in complete opposition to my every desire and so I fought with lovelorn shield and sword bearing down upon me, to claim her heart as mine once again. I did this because to not do so would have been entirely against my nature, being that I’m a warrior of love and no hate lives here. No thin lines to disappear. I handily won the battle standing up to face all fear.

A silent war steadily waged within her heart.

It happened a second time and absolutely nothing felt right. It was our two year anniversary and close to midnight. My heart began to ache and I wouldn’t allow the pain to subside. I wanted it reawakened. This would be the last time.

She said she needed to find herself and we had been living separate lives. The distance tore her apart. I was out of sight and out of mind.

I took it upon myself immediately following the emotional breakdown, to embrace the pain and at least lose some weight this time round.

Following this breakup there is no making up. I can be Her friend because the romantic love is lost. I adore her, but I love me way more. I hold myself to a higher standard so I’m not worried anymore. I knew my worth was more than a break down or a list of what felt right, but also weighed down. I knew the savory smell of hurt that wetted my face like a river was only temporary.

I needed to purge her love and it’s existence from my visionary. I felt it sliding down my arm, hanging precariously off my sleeve. I have never worn my heart there so I wondered why was she… I wanted to roast my woes in a pit of fiery hope, as elegant curls of steam perfumed upward cleansing me. I was not previously broken, but records of her I love you baby’s played a concert in my mind. No one to orchestrate the lost flow that streaked down my face in jagged lines.

I pondered the love I received and reciprocated. All of which I refused to believe was fabricated. No books were cooked in this labor of love. But pages ripped are now remniscent of what was.

The roasting continued. My ruby red heart, as soft as cranberry sauce and silky butternut squash, was unable to break this time because it was protected by the love I possessed for myself and for the both of us.

But I’m done…

I felt no desire to further engage in conversation concerning how the love we shared would live forever in Her heart. My love is like… that quick running start as the race begins and the final lap running with the wind. There are no hard feelings. My heart is just as tender as it was in the beginning.

In the simplest terms, I conceded to a victory on my own. Triumphant only in the parting of ways and the respect shown. Don’t make me wait for the ending when I know how the story goes.

Our version of love, was it all for show? I have no regrets, just a need to know because all we have left are x’s and o’s. I loved hard but left no bruises or scars. I walk away with my head held as high as the stars. I did everything I could to help her forget about our faults. No microscope needed when I overlooked the very things that made her feel insecure all along. She’s beautiful and fragile. A young butterfly has hatched now and when she spreads her wings and soars I will be there in spirit somehow.

Dear Ex Girlfriend
You are beautiful
Being imperfect is too
I never once looked into the insecurities that fueled
So much of your discontent
I looked past all of it boo
Your eyes tell the story
That people read about you
You are stronger than you realize
You must give yourself its full do
I wish you the most happiness
In life there are lessons that prove
That what loves got to do
When insecurity overtakes you
Rise above the inner demons that haunt and uproot you
Into thinking you are not worth
The love bestowed upon your heart
You were worth every second of every minute
Of the times I took your love to heart
I want you to be at peace love
To know that no hard feelings exist
You made the right choice, and with that let’s live
Let us be better and stronger
With each passing day
Your heart will heal your mind
In the compassionate way
Don’t worry about anything
Just keep on being brave
We will find love again
So look forward to happy days