There was a time in recent American history when certain Soviet jokes didn't work in translation - not so much because of the language differences, but because of the lack of common sociopolitical context. But that is changing. As President Obama is preparing us for a great leap towards collectivism, I find myself recollecting forgotten political jokes I shared with comrades while living in the old country under Brezhnev, Andropov, and Gorbachev. (I was too young to remember the Khrushchev times, but I remember the Khrushchev jokes.) I also noticed that the further America "advances" back to the Soviet model, the more translatable the old Soviet jokes become.

~

Not all Soviet advancements have metastasized here yet, but we have four more glorious years to make it happen.

One of my favorite political jokes is this:

The six dialectical contradictions of socialism in the USSR:

There is full employment - yet no one is working.

No one is working - yet the factory quotas are fulfilled.

The factory quotas are fulfilled - yet the stores have nothing to sell.

The stores have nothing to sell - yet people got all the stuff at home.

People got all the stuff at home - yet everyone is complaining.

Everyone is complaining - yet the voting is always unanimous.

It reads like a poem - only instead of the rhythm of syllables and rhyming sounds, it's the rhythm of logic and rhyming meanings. If I could replicate it, I might start a whole new genre of "contradictory six-liners." It would be extremely difficult to keep it real and funny at the same time, but I'll try anyway.

Dialectical contradictions are one of the pillars in Marxist philosophy, which states that contradictions eventually lead to a unity of opposites as the result of a struggle. This gave a convenient "scientific" excuse for the existence of contradictions in a socialist society, where opposites were nice and agreeable - unlike the wild and crazy opposites of capitalism that could never be reconciled. Hence the joke.

Then I moved to America, where wild and crazy opposites of capitalism were supposedly at their worst. Until recently, however, the only contradictions that struck me as irreconcilable were these:

Economic justice:

America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.

Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.

They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.

Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.

The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Filmmakers hate capitalism - yet they sue for unauthorized copying of their movies.

They sue for unauthorized copying - yet on screen they teach us to share.

On screen they teach us to share - yet they keep their millions to themselves.

They keep their millions to themselves - yet they revel in stories of American misery and depravity.

They revel in stories of American misery and depravity - yet they blame the resulting anti-American sentiment on conservatism.

They blame the anti-American sentiment on conservatism - yet conservatism ensures the continuation of a system that makes Hollywood possible.

I never thought I would see socialist contradictions in America, let alone write about them. But somehow all attempts to organize life according to "progressive" principles always result in such contradictions. And in the areas where "progressives" have assumed positions of leadership - education, news media, or the entertainment industry - contradictions become "historically inevitable."

If one were accidentally to open his eyes and compare the "progressive" narrative with facts on the ground, one might start asking questions. Why, for instance, if the war on terror breeds more terrorists, haven't there been attacks on the U.S. soil since 2001? Why, if George W. Bush had removed our freedom of speech, was nobody ever arrested for saying anything? And if Obama has returned us our freedoms, why was a man harassed by police in Oklahoma for having an anti-Obama sign in his car? Why would anyone who supports free speech want to silence talk radio? And why is silencing the opposition called the "Fairness Doctrine"?

After the number of "caring," bleeding-heart politicians in Washington reached a critical mass, it was only a matter of time before the government started ordering banks to help the poor by giving them risky home loans through community organizers. Which resulted in a bigger demand, which resulted in rising prices, which resulted in slimmer chances of repaying the loans, which resulted in more pressure on the banks, which resulted in repackaging of bad loans, which resulted in a collapse of the banks, which resulted in a recession, which resulted in many borrowers losing their jobs, which resulted in no further mortgage payments, which resulted in a financial disaster, which resulted in a worldwide crisis, with billions of poor people overseas - who had never seen a community organizer, nor applied for a bad loan - becoming even poorer than they had been before the "progressives" in the U.S. government decided to help the poor.

As if that were not enough, the same bleeding hearts are now trying to fix this by nationalizing the banks so that they can keep issuing risky loans through community organizers. In other words, to prevent the toast from landing buttered side down, they're planning to butter the toast on both sides and hope that it will hover in mid-air. Which also seems like a sensible alternative energy initiative.

If that doesn't fix the problem, there's always the last resort of a liberal: blame capitalism. It's always a win-win. Today government regulators may be blaming capitalism for the crisis caused by their dilettantish tampering with the economy, but who do you think they will credit after market forces resuscitate the economy?

Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent "revolutionary" changes have turned reality on its head - which is what "revolution" literally means - I'm getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.

As your comrade from the future, I also feel a social obligation to help my less advanced comrades in the American community, and prepare them for the transition to the glorious world of underground literature, half-whispered jokes, and the useful habit of looking over your shoulder. Don't become a nation of cowards - but watch who might be listening.

Let's start with these few.

People's power:

Liberals believe they're advancing people's power - yet they don't believe people can do anything right without their guidance.

People can't do anything right - yet the government bureaucracy can do everything.

The government bureaucracy can do everything - yet liberals don't like it when the government takes control of their lives.

Liberals don't like it when the government takes control of their lives - yet they vote for programs that increase people's dependency on the government.

They vote for programs that increase people's dependency on the government - yet they believe they're advancing people's power.

Bush and the media:

The media said Bush was dumb - yet he won over two intelligent Democrats.

He won over two intelligent Democrats - yet the media said his ratings were hopeless.

The media said his ratings were hopeless - yet the 2004 electoral map was red.

The 2004 electoral map was red - yet the media said his policies failed.

The media said his policies failed - yet the economy grew and the war was won.

The economy grew and the war was won - yet the media said we needed "change."

Public education:

Liberals have been in charge of education for 50 years - yet education is out of control.

Comrade, as a Mother and a Woman (errr, sorry — the damn son of a bitch mixed up the papers!), as a Proud Citizen, I'm happy to agree — the Glorious Party is on track to taking revenge for the temporary failure of the USSR by permanently taking over the USSA!

The next logical step would be for Red Square to run for Senate! Yes, we can!

Brilliant commentary Red Square (and I'm not just sucking up to increase my power over the proletarian masses, well, maybe a little...). I believe your succinct summation of major liberal philosophical conflicts in 6 or less points each, illustrates how modern American leftist ideology is reminiscent of Orwellian Double-Think.

In fact, I think the only way that Mr. Orwell's fictional account could be faulted with predicting the future, lies with his timing... i.e, it took another 25 years to accomplish.

I might humbly offer (whilst prostrating myself at your feet) one corollary to your thoughts on "Love and Marriage":

Leftists believe judges have the right to liberally interpret the Constitution as it is a "living breathing document," thereby envisioning "rights" or powers not so granted, leading to the overturn of the first ban on gay marriage enacted in California.

Because the ban on gay marriage was invalidated on a Constitutional basis, Californians voted to change the state Constitution to leave no room for interpretation.

Because the CA Constitution was changed by the voters, liberals now believe judges should step in to invalidate the Constitution because it differs from the judges' ruling regarding the previous Constitution.

Therefore, once interpreted, no Constitution may be changed (even though it lives and breathes) if doing so prevents a judge from inventing rights or powers not pre-approved by the left.

I did not realize you were originally from Mother Russia. I have personally witnessed the glories of collectivism. I was a 14 year old entering the Soviet Union in 1987 on an engineer's visa (yes, I was the Doogie Howser of Engineering. LOL) My father's West German company had a contract to build a factory in Ordzhonikidse, now Vladikavkaz (again.) The West German workers who were stationed there wanted a reliable mode of transportation, so my dad and a colleague, err comrade drove a VW T3 (Vanagon) from the Cologne area via the DDR, the People's Republic of Poland to the USSR. My brother and I came along for the ride as it was summer. I guess a few copies of "Bunte" magazine or DM's helped us get the engineer's visas. We lived in a normal apartment on Ulitsa Pervomayskaya sorok-chtyri. We had a separate apartment where we would selfishly hord supplies, but would go to the corner market for block shaped bread and cheese and apple juice in 10 gallon jugs (usually there were no lines for these things.) Overall, it was otherworldly (and we did make a bit of a scene with our imperial clothing and other belongings such as a Kamei rooftop carrier.)

"Bunte" also helped the gas station attendant turn on the pumps in the middle of the night, while equally misfortunate drivers who were out of gas had to wait till 8, which theoretically is the same time we got our gas.

Over the years, my dad learned a few collective jokes as well. I liked the "theoretically - practically" jokes, as well as some of the proverbs, such as "saftra" (well, not really a proverb) and "vse u vas mozhno, tol'ko a zdorozhno." There were many more. Aah, good times!

It makes me such overjoyous that finally our Great Leader has the audacity of hope to bring such a beautiful and fulfilling life to our shores. No need for "Red Dawn" or such violent enterprises that go agains "mir" and "druzhba."

I see this genre of dialectical six-liners as an intricate 3D puzzle of an argument - in a way, similar to Rubik's cube, which also has six sides and six possible directions of rotation. The major philosophical point here is that contradictions will only cease to exist when we paint all sides of this cube red - no matter where you turn, it will all be the same. Which is what our struggle for progress is all about.

Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent "revolutionary" changes have turned reality on its head - which is what "revolution" literally means - I'm getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.

Spot on, I'm afraid.

And speaking of Spot. My dog has expressed an interest in the space program. Do I contact NASA?

Insightful, entertaining, and dead on the mark! But that graphic of Comrade Square on his time machine had me laughing so f**king hard that I struggled to finish the article, had to start over several times.

Dahlink! My crystal ball says you need to run for office, Red Square! You need to show the masses the idyllic collective on a much grander scale! Why should only I be miserable, when everyone can be? Quite enlightening prose, Comrade Red Square. Now if r comrads woo atented publik skool cud oanlie reed...

Comrade Red Square, all of these contradictions have made me dizzy. I'm afraid my archaic capitalist brain can barely keep up with your words. Where can I find a brain like yours? Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?

And for those with more developed brains than I, this is the kind of material that would be good for the production of paperback pamphlets for the masses.

Red Square, your completely average and mediocre commentary was FANTASTIC. I wish I could write as well, OPPRESSOR!

Seriously, I think I will try one just to keep the idea running:

- Carbon dioxide causes climate change, though "climate change" is an oxymoron- To keep climate from changing our environment, we need to change our environment to keep it from changing- Al Gore says changing our environment requires drastic action in order to avoid a doomsday, though he jets around the globe emitting extreme amounts of CO2 (and methane - but don't tell anyone)- Gore jets around the globe preaching his message, though he could save CO2 by transmitting it on the Internet- Gore himself invented the Internet, itself a product of the Industrial Revolution and scientific progress- Now Gore teaches we must use scientific progress to counter the progress that science itself created

Comrade Red Square, all of these contradictions have made me dizzy. I'm afraid my archaic capitalist brain can barely keep up with your words. Where can I find a brain like yours? Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?

And for those with more developed brains than I, this is the kind of material that would be good for the production of paperback pamphlets for the masses.

Comrade Leninka,

it is not your capitalist brain that is at fault. You are the product of years of Komsomol learning in the People's school system, thus your brain is meant for shoveling, not for understanding complex philosophical statements. For this alone it should be resolved in Committee to proclaim Comrade Red "Hero of the People."

This gives me an excellent idea for a new six-liner:

Progressives denounce imperial radicals of being of inferior mental capacity - yet most people (including the class enemies) were educated in the People's school systems.

Most people were educated in the People's school system - yet more and more fail.

More and more fail - so the People's schooling needs to start earlier - or else.

We call it dizziness with success, comrade Leninka. There is nothing wrong with that. We had it during the collectivization and deportation of the kulaks. After a few million were dead, exiled, ruined, or otherwise re-educated, some people began to worry about the revolution losing its popular appeal. So we calmed them down by saying that someone in the middle management simply became dizzy with success. We randomly shot a few of those and everybody was happy again. You wouldn't mind being shot to help the revolution save face, no? It's for the common good and for the children, mind you. Thatta gurl!

Leninka

Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!

Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!

Comrade Red Square, what a truly more equal explanation of Things To Come. Perhaps we can still be visited by the Ghosts of Socialism, The Ghost of Socialist Glories Past, the Ghost of Socialism Present, and The Ghost of Socialism Yet to Come.

I fear this will not be the case. Barring that, may I borrow the schematics of your glorious time machine, and seek refuge among the distant past?

As a new member of the party, after finally discovering after all these years what a fool I had been to actually think I had to work for a living, instead of being entitled to one. In my former life I once held heretical thoughts also expressed here agaisn't my progressive comrades.

I assure you after the first time I heard Obama speak and my leg started to tingle that these thoughts ceased immediately.

I know this is going to shock some Comrades here but I feel I must post some of false assumptions I once held as a lesson to other Comrades as to what a complete fool I was to have once held them.

- Bush policy was to bail-out the financial sector with a bail-out with little real oversite as to how the money was to be spent and was wasted- Obama's policy is to spend bail-out money on people who have already proven totally adept at wasting their personal finances by getting a sub-prime mortgage in the first place.

- Bush was villified for his handling of the economy and his stale tax cuts, borrow and spend philosphy- Obama was praised for his economic vision of tax cuts, borrow and spend philosphy and lauded for 'change' in vision.

Yes, Comrades I once believed those horrid things I wrote above. I know now that since I am entitled to all the freebies the Government owes me, that Bush was nothing but a tightwad who held back my free George Foreman Grill for his greedy self and rich buddies.

Thanks to Obama my grill is now on its way and some other poor slob will pay for it. What I fool I was all those years.

I think families are a good thing. They encourage people to share the same house, and sex is required to set up a family (Sex is liberation. It is wrong not to like sex.). On the other hand, being single is WRONG. Single people are capitalists. Plus, the individual doesn't count. The single is an individual. Therefore=bad.

Insightful, entertaining, and dead on the mark! But that graphic of Comrade Square on his time machine had me laughing so f**king hard that I struggled to finish the article, had to start over several times.

Ditto, Comrade. I had to have the Podcast Comrade read it to me because I couldn't get past the picture. Red Square for Congress!

Comrade, your brilliant summation of the Glorious Revolution to come (already well underway) gave me such a tingle I can hardly type this comment. Glorious Leader and his Glorious Wife have shown us The Way. We have only to follow. Another Comrade said to me socialism = Love Your Neighbor. Unless he is a greedy capitalist pig. Then, destroy him/her, take all his money (that he/she earned with or inspite of government "assistance") & redistribute it.

Perhaps we can still be visited by the Ghosts of Socialism, The Ghost of Socialist Glories Past, the Ghost of Socialism Present, and The Ghost of Socialism Yet to Come.

That's a great idea...file that away for the annual non-religious celebration of the Winter Solstice. If the nation is still generating power for public concumption by December, we can work up a good thread around that.

America the prosperous capitalist nation stood in stark contrast to all the other Euro-socialist countries. And so it was necessary to tear America down to their level, thus painting us the same shade of red as all the other sides of the international cube.

Why didn't they just ask comrade Red Square? I would've told them to just give Lavrov the People's Cube. It has no buttons and needs no tricky translation.

How ironic. These are the people who came to power by accusing their political opponents of being pig-headed and deaf to other cultures and nuances. Now they came up with a symbolic idea that would make little sense in Russian even if it were correctly translated.

Russian is a powerful and flexible language with versatile descriptive means, but there just isn't a short universal word in Russian that embraces all the technical meanings of the elegant English word "reset." Every meaning comes its own long and bulky word or even a phrase. Anyone with a sense of the Russian language would've told them that their idea just doesn't work and they should opt for something different instead.

This happened because either A or B:

a) The Obama administration is made of people who are pig-headed and deaf to other cultures and nuances. Apparently they don't even expect others to have nuances and so they don't bother to consult an expert.

b) Consultants chosen by the Obama administration are useless, unqualified boobs who got hired because they are political hacks, or as a result of favoritism, nepotism, affirmative action, etc.

The Obama administration is made of people who are pig-headed and deaf to other cultures and nuances. Apparently they don't even expect others to have nuances and so they don't bother to consult an expert.

I seem to recall a Carter-era State Department mediator dealing with the Israelis and Palistinians urging them to "settle their differences like good Christians." This is the same caliber of cultural misunderstanding.

Actually it's A, I see it in the corporate world all the time. She came up with the idea and her suck-up staff ram-rodded the button oblivious to whether it would make sense. They will continue to try to force their ideas to work even when reality dictates otherwise. She's treating her job as SecSta as a Monarchy within the context of the administration. We saw the same thing when she was President, um first lady. It really shows her inexperience in dealing with people outside of her sphere of influence.

Insightful, entertaining, and dead on the mark! But that graphic of Comrade Square on his time machine had me laughing so f**king hard that I struggled to finish the article, had to start over several times.

The time machine is hilarious

Superkommissar Maksim: thanks again for your image I used on my website.

My favorite joke is this one I overhead in the late 1970's while serving in US Army Signal Intelligence intercepting military radio and telephone communications in Czechoslovakia and between Prague and Moscow. It is being told to a Czechoslovak Colonel by a higher ranking officer, because the Colonel can't shut him up.

Now, if you have the Wife, the Time and the Desire but No Bed -- That's Bad luck.If you have the Bed, the Time and the Desire, but no Wife -- That's a Tragedy.If you have the Bed, the Wife and the Desire, but no Time -- That's Socialism.But, if you have the Bed, the Wife and the Time, but no Desire -- That's True Communism. :-)

it is not your capitalist brain that is at fault. You are theproduct of years of Komsomol learning in the People's school system,thus your brain is meant for shoveling, not for understanding complexphilosophical statements. For this alone it should be resolved inCommittee to proclaim Comrade Red "Hero of the People."

This gives me an excellent idea for a new six-liner:

Progressives denounce imperial radicals of being of inferiormental capacity - yet most people (including the class enemies) wereeducated in the People's school systems.

Most people were educated in the People's school system - yet more and more fail.

More and more fail - so the People's schooling needs to start earlier - or else.

3=6

Red Square

We call it dizziness with success, comrade Leninka. There is nothing wrong with that. We had it during the collectivization and deportation of the kulaks. After a few million were dead, exiled, ruined, or otherwise re-educated, some people began to worry about the revolution losing its popular appeal. So we calmed them down by saying that someone in the middle management simply became dizzy with success. We randomly shot a few of those and everybody was happy again. You wouldn't mind being shot to help the revolution save face, no? It's for the common good and for the children, mind you. Thatta gurl!

Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!

Dear Comrades Genosse Pieck and Red Square,

Your advice and comments are truly in the spirit of the revolution. My brain, of course is inferior, however, I do believe that my blind robotic devotion faith in our system of equality for all (even for shovel-ready comrades like me), and my blind trust dedicated party loyalty at least partially supplants my intellect. As well, if even a little of your superior knowledge rubs off on me, then I will be able to serve and care and share as well as the next comrade.

While I'm chillin' with my homeys here, I was hoping one of you Tovarischi would take a look at this little boo-boo I have on the back of my neck.

Nope, not there....a little more to the right...down a little.....JEEBUS!!, did ya have to poke it so hard? Anyway, what's it look like? Do you think I should get one of our People's Demokratik Republik of Korea doctors to take a look at it?

While I'm chillin' with my homeys here, I was hoping one of you Tovarischi would take a look at this little boo-boo I have on the back of my neck. I wonder if that is an add-on brain he uses so he can harness the full powers of the Juche?

While I'm chillin' with my homeys here, I was hoping one of you Tovarischi would take a look at this little boo-boo I have on the back of my neck. I wonder if that is an add-on brain he uses so he can harness the full powers of the Juche?

Ever see the movie "how to get ahead in advertising"? I think this is a case of "how to get ahead in a dictatorship".

Report to Platform 1 at the Hauptbahnhof! Your RE-EDUCATION awaits! Vega will learn the difference between prole and Commissar, as well as that religion enslaves minds and must be replaced by fervent worship of The Party. Comrade Mortgages will re-learn what he didn't hear before. And yes, each of you will be issued a shovel.

Commissar Obamissar VodkavichCommissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash ProductsNot to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov

Report to Platform 1 at the Hauptbahnhof! Your RE-EDUCATION awaits! Vega will learn the difference between prole and Commissar, as well as that religion enslaves minds and must be replaced by fervent worship of The Party. Comrade Mortgages will re-learn what he didn't hear before. And yes, each of you will be issued a shovel.

Commissar Obamissar VodkavichCommissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash ProductsNot to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov

Comrade Commissar Vodavich, what is with all the "kommissars" of late? Something in the water? An attempt at revolution? Or people seeking to be purged before their time? A most curious phenomenon wouldn't you say?

Oh, and where would you like your weekly bribe shipment of Stalin's Blood Beet Vodka(TM)?

I remember getting denounced many a time when I entered the Collective as a self-made Obamissar. I at least had the foresight to know I was not worthy enough at the time to be a Big Mighty "real" Commissar, and so I usurped my own false authority with an equally false title, glorifying the ordinary just as Community Organizers have been glorified.

These Comrades, however, don't understand or respect for The Party and the tribulations that it's members had to endure. That is OK as everyone sees through them as one sees through the oversized uniform to the little boy who tried on Daddy's outfit. In a case of too many chiefs and not enough indians, these self-made kommissars will find themselves the first up against the wall when the revolution comes. The humility of ordinary Comrades and properly appointed Obamissars will be rewarded when the next Purge comes.

Oh, and behind the hot water pipes, third washroom along, down at the Hauptbahnhof sounds good to me, Comrade. *gleefully rubs hands together in anticipation of Stalin's Blood Beet Vodka*

Ahem. Surely you meant "in a case of too many equally-abled-yet-none-the-less-taking-on-greater-duties-of-management-and-community-organization-facilitators and not enough Native-Americans-of-equal-status-with-the-facilitator-yet-who-have-found-fulfillment-and-self-worth-providing-more-basic-services-to-the-community-in-a-non-management-role-and-who-include-a-proper-diversity-of-gender-and-lifestyle-individuals-acting-collectively-for-the-common-good..."

Comrades... THere is no contradictions in Socialism. Socialism promises equality for most of the peasants and delivers on that promise. Once socialism takes over a country the money goes bad and the government buys up OR takes over businesses. The military suffers at first because socialist want the military made over in their image. People lose their weapons because their is no need for weapons in a socialist paradise. You lose the right to a private vote...first; and then you don't get to vote at all. You lose the right to free-speech. Everyone knows that in a worker's paradise, no one would want to complain anyway! Overnight..your ex-friends are ignored and your ex-enemies are your friends. Your job disappears. If it does not...then, in spite of a union...your pay does. You get to stand in line for everything including medical treatment. IN other words......everything that obama is doing now.... brings on Socialism. Cheer up, comrades,.....equality is not far behind. Yes...NOW..we all can live in hovels, work for pennies, and be willing fodder for the state........together. Isn't socialism wonderful?

Yesterday, I was observing my daughters, ages 3 and 8, and in true Pioneer Komsomol spirit of the FDJ, they were fighting negotiating over the one shovel we were able to obtain for them. Both wanted to share in the burden of digging for rocks in our the collective's backyard.

I had to trade a packet of Byelomorkanal' cigarettes for the shovel, though.

I did not realize you were originally from Mother Russia. I have personally witnessed the glories of collectivism. I was a 14 year old entering the Soviet Union in 1987 on an engineer's visa (yes, I was the Doogie Howser of Engineering. LOL) My father's West German company had a contract to build a factory in Ordzhonikidse, now Vladikavkaz (again.) times!

Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!

And just when exactly am I going to have time to pop out these paragons of progressiveness? I am far too busy with my own progressive endeavors(shopping...getting my nails done...and for Lenin's sake, this hair isn't going to style and color itself!!) to be birthing the New Man. Besides,it sounds like it might hurt.

Our Great Leader proclaimed in Detroit, that "the nation who invented the automobile could now not abandon it!" Never mind this was a gaffe, but he of course meant the USSA, not Germany. So let's forgive him (but that would be divine, so forget about it.)

In any case, here is what the Future of the American car industry will look like, courtesy of Top Gear, the Imperialist British Automobile Program. I love some of their comments. They would fit right in here...

Our Great Leader proclaimed in Detroit, that "the nation who invented the automobile could now not abandon it!" Never mind this was a gaffe, but he of course meant the USSA, not Germany. So let's forgive him (but that would be divine, so forget about it.)

In any case, here is what the Future of the American car industry will look like, courtesy of Top Gear, the Imperialist British Automobile Program...

Truly good humor (and very true) I really needed a smile today, and this did the trick.

I could not find the video online where they compare the Lada (Zhiguli, right?) with a Moskvich. The Lada is white, the Moskvich red. James May drove the Moskvich, and Jeremy Clarkson the Lada. James denounced the lada's color as being too "aspiring" AND, it had decadent headlight wipers!!

There was also a short segment on a rear wheel drive subcompact that looked a little like an NSU Prinz from the 60's. And this threewheeled thing with a cowhide body?!?!

The Trabant WAS made of cotton, but hey, at least it pleased Gaia in that it was organic and renewable! (No mention of what happened when it caught fire...)

All this reminds me of a joke:

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who has the best roads.

The German says: "Of kourse, our Autobahnen are ze best! Ve put a bier on ze hood of our Mertsedes, drive from Hamburg to Munich at 120 mph, and when ve get zere, ze glass is still full. That's how smoos our Autobahnen are!"

The American is next: "Our interstate freeways are the best, hands down. I can put a shot glass of whiskey on the hood of my Cadillac, drive from New York to L.A., and by the time I get there, not a drop is gone. That's how smooth our roads are!"

Counters the Russian: "Comrades, while I get the Lada going on our trip from Moskva to Leningrad, my comrades in the back seat start pouring the vodka. Once I get it to 40mph, I put a brick on the gas pedal, turn around, and we drink all the way to Leningrad."

One of the most striking contradictions of American socialism - or maybe an epitome of it - is Gerry Pasciucco, head of AIG Financial Products, and a former vice chairman of Morgan Stanley. His stylish Che shirt was likely paid for by the money bamboozled from the greedy American kulaks.

Gerry Pasciucco with his spousal unit Kelly Pasciucco at a June 6, 2008 party in Belle Haven.

It was a Cuban-styled party, so what shirt would fit better than one with Che Guevara, who murdered and tortured Cuban political prisoners, organized its gulag system, and later, as Minister of Industries, run the Cuban economy into the ground, quickly turning Cuba from the richest Latin American country to the poorest one?

And who would have thought that a Che t-shirt would look so dashing with a blue blazer and handkerchief, turning its balding anemic owner into a hot revolutionary stud?

Fairfield County Look

Before sitting down to an authentic Cuban feast, guests were treated to mojitos, other tropical drinks and hand-rolled cigars. Meanwhile, roulette, poker and other games of chance were played in the world-famous Riviera Casino. But the party really heated up once the sun went down, as a 13-piece orchestra played a mix of Latin and party tunes sure to keep the dance floor filled all night. The funds raised will benefit Family Centers’ 30 education and human service programs.

I can almost hear Gerry Pasciucco's voice,

Quote:

Honey, have you ironed my Che shirt yet? We're going to this 1940s-era Havana party, and I want to look as dazzling, non-conformist, and anti-establishment as the other night at the Roaring 20s party in my Stalin uniform.

Truly good humor (and very true) I really needed a smile today, and this did the trick.

I denounce you for smiling, comrade! Smiling is for the bourgeoisie! Report to train station at once, boxcar 34.

I did once see a Lada Niva run a red light (doing about 50.) It literally bounced off the other car's hood and went over it.

I DENOUNCE COMRADE COMRADE PIECK FOR CROSSING INTO MY LANE!

Look here, prole. Management of Gulags is my affair. I decide when they go and where they go. By "they" I mean Thought Criminals. You're walkin' a thin line... I don't care if you share the name of a great leader; you are just a prole. Besides, you don't send proles to boxcars at the train station... You send them to Platforms at the Hauptbahnhof. Occasionally one may use the word "gleis" if he is feeling particularly progressive, but it's usually just Platform.

I humbly apologize for my thoughtcrime. I will just stick to denouncing and reporting then. But first I will have to check your Stasi file. Hauptbahnhoefe are too decadent, by the way. Gueterbahnhoefe will do just fine for the masses, heck just a Gleis in the middle of nowhere is fine. After all, isn't that where I will be dropped off? I do not want to be poisoned by imperialist architecture.

The gleis in the middle of nowhere is indeed the destination, but only the Hauptbahnhof is large enough the manage the number of proles I have to deal with every day. Don't question my methods. Just bend over and take it, as Comrade Fwank said.

Gerry Pasciucco with his spousal unit Kelly Pasciucco at a June 6, 2008 party in Belle Haven.

It was a Cuban-styled party, so what shirt would fit better than one with Che Guevara, who murdered and tortured Cuban political prisoners, organized its gulag system, and later, as Minister of Industries, run the Cuban economy into the ground, quickly turning Cuba from the richest Latin American country to the poorest one?

GEBARF! Good thing he didn't come dressed in a nazi outfit like that fashion stud, Prince William. Ah the royals...

Comrades we must rejoice for the Future is now running at us or with us.As can be seen in story from filthy capitalistic (You are on the list) News Service AP (Soon to be PP [Party Press] and no longer tool of running dog capitalist) 'The One' has made his move. He has removed one of the obstacles to his plan and only two more remain. Soon they will fall and the Auto Industry will be Nationalized. There will be Zim's and Moskovitich's on every street corner. (They won't run so they will be parked for looks) We will even throw in the occasional Belarus for the really nostalgic. Rejoice for The Glorious Sun Party will soon be uber alles. Plan now. buy horses and mules and find carpenters to make old Studebaker Wagons. Find Amish and seek advice on buggies and Horse trading. Buy mask for the air you will have to breathe from the methane producing mules and horses. Oxen optional.

Quote:

GM CEO Wagoner to step down at White House request

By TOM KRISHER AND KEN THOMASASSOCIATED PRESS WRITERS

DETROIT -- General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner will step down immediately at the request of the White House, administration officials said Sunday. The news comes as President Obama prepares to unveil additional restructuring efforts designed to save the domestic auto industry.

The officials asked not to be identified because details of the restructuring plan have not yet been made public. On Monday, Obama is to announce measures to restructure GM and Chrysler LLC in exchange for additional government loans. The companies have been living on $17.4 billion in government aid and have requested $21.6 billion more.

Wagoner's departure indicates that more management changes may be part of the deal, but it is still unclear who will be put in charge of GM. The automaker recently promoted Fritz Henderson, its former chief financial officer, to become president and chief operating officer. Many in the company thought he would eventually succeed Wagoner.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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