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Inevitably after a break up an ex always calls. It’s been several years since 3D and I broke up. I haven’t seen him since the last time I had his dick in my hand. BUT I know that I am weak and stupid and if I see him I’d sleep with him. Yes, he has horse teeth. Yes, he is annoying. Yes, he can literally charm the pants off of you.

Strangely enough, he still emails or texts me every two to four weeks. Like clockwork. I ignore 90% of his messages. The 10% I respond to end up with me telling him I’m sleeping with three guys at the same time and charging them for it. For some reason, this makes him angry.

For those of you who have a hard time resisting those booty calls from your ex, I’ve put together a little flow chart. I hope this helps you.

You haven’t dialed the wrong number,
I just linked my heart with my phone and PC
If you wanted to tell me,
That you’re crying over me,
Just push one.

If you wanted to ask me,
if I’m still angry,
and when we might be able to meet,
so we can start over
or who knows what other kind of crap
Just push two.

Do you need help with the question
How I feel in this situation-
If I still care about or hate you,
Or how much I should still believe you,
Or what I think of you now
and how often I want to let this happen,
Jest press zero.

ba ba ba ba ba bada bab
ba ba ba ba ba bada bab

ba ba ba ba ba bada bab
ba ba ba ba ba bada bab

If you just want to know
where you can find your things,
whether you can sleep here,
because you don’t know where else to go,
and if I should pick you up at the police station,
Just press four.

If you’ve got problems
with your new girlfriend,
And you’re broke,
and your hair’s turning gray,
It is the loneliness that’s getting you down,
Just press eight.

Do you need help with the question
How I feel in this situation-
If I still care about or hate you,
Or how much I should still believe you,
Or what I think of you now
and how often I want to let this happen,
Jest press zero.

ba ba ba ba ba bada bab
ba ba ba ba ba bada bab

ba ba ba ba ba bada bab
ba ba ba ba ba bada bab

Do you need help with the question
How I feel in this situation-
If I still care about or hate you,
Or how much I should still believe you,
Or what I think of you now
and how often I want to let this happen…

Just do me a great big favour
and give my nerves a break
And just press that button with the
little red telephone.