“Trump Still Has Time To Prove Himself” Says Man Wearing Cloak Of Human Skin

There’s no doubt that President Trump’s first few weeks in office, and his unprecedented number of executive orders, have been controversial. Critics call his methods “heavy handed” and “actually very racist, for real this time”. But his loyal base of normal, everyday Americans still have hope that they man they voted for will prove to be a net gain for their country.

We spoke to one such everyday supporter, Melvin Carruthers, who kindly took time out of his busy schedule to perform a quick interview at the Flipside offices. Mister Carruthers represents an America that is often lived by seldom talked about – he states that his main reasons for voting Trump were a feeling of abandonment by Congress, increased concerns about future security, and fears that a Democrat president would make him give up his knee-length coat crafted from an undisclosed number of people.

“Where I live, you just see such a loss of hope. Trump’s candidacy was the first time normal people like me felt like someone was actually going to stand up for our rights.” Carruthers said, tightly clutching his copy of 1924 novel ‘The Most Dangerous Game’.

“Y’know, with Hillary…I dunno, I guess a lot of people were afraid she was going to mistreat the country folk. Take the firearms, the traditions, the cloaks of real human skin…and then what? We just didn’t know.”

When asked about his reaction to Trump’s policy, Carruthers’ response was unexpectedly nuanced – a far cry from the rabid conservatism liberal critics have been so quick to characterise Trump’s voter base with.

“To tell the truth, I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m glad we can feel more secure, but I really feel for the innocent folks who got caught in the crossfire.” he said, taking off his glasses in a moment of reflection, “Honestly? I think they should be glad they’re not here. America’s got so many problems right now, they’re better off at home. At least there, I won’t catch them during my grim harvest of legit, actual dead person skin from a dead person. Who I killed.”