Tag Archives: parenting

“You know what, Will? You better be nice to me, because someday you’re gonna be sitting in a bar when a bunch of pretty ladies walk in, and you’re gonna need me by your side, cuz we both know…that I’m the … Continue reading →

Strange observations from spending too much time in the kitchen… Peanut Butter. The playful cousin to the uppity Nutella. The French Toast Stick. The hip next-door neighbor to the young & impressionable French Toast. The … Continue reading →

“Mom, here’s the problem…you guys spend way too much time worrying about my math grades when the real problem here is that math makes me feel antisocial. And really, you don’t want my conversations in life to be about … Continue reading →

Will: Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. I never thought the kid would actually eat the worm. And besides, he technically never ate it. He just popped it in his mouth and let it squirm around. Me: Oh my … Continue reading →

“Mom, whenever you think someone seems too perfect, just snoop through their bathroom drawers until you find their anti-diarrhea medicine and then you’ll feel much better about yourself. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” Actually, a dose of anti-diarrhea medicine sounds … Continue reading →

I agreed to help out Will & Jay by giving them another plug for their latest YouTube creation. They debuted this little treasure of nonsense for the family after Mother’s Day dinner. So, once again, I present The Boxhead Scallywags…

“Mom, you look like some sort of strange spider monkey in oversized sunglasses and your armpits smell like the airport bar in the Philadelphia Airport, you know the one with the really good cheese fries? But you know what? I … Continue reading →

Me: Jay, did you shower? Jay: Yup. Me: Then how come only the back of your head is wet? Jay: I guess the front of my head dries fast. Me: Did you at least use soap? Jay: Yup. Me: Is … Continue reading →

“Mom, you know how Dad is really good at cooking hot dogs? Well, I think he should open a restaurant and call it Dad’s House of Wieners.” I think there’s some truth to that old saying, “You are what you eat.” Happy Friday, … Continue reading →

Will: It hurts! Me: Well, of course it does. Why would you do something so stupid? Will: Jay told me to. Am I going to be ok? Me: I’m not sure at what point taking medical advice from your 10-year-old brother … Continue reading →

Jay: Mom, you’re never gonna believe this, but today at recess, a bunch of girls on the playground called me over. They were standing in a group with their arms crossed and their hands on their hips. I was sorta scared … Continue reading →

Me: Alright! Which one of you thought it would be a good idea to smear your dirty fingers all over the inside of my car windows? You know, the same car windows I just cleaned? Will: Oh, that? That was me, but … Continue reading →

Jay: Mom, just so you know, I’m drawing your portrait right this very minute. Me: Ok, great. Jay: Try to act natural, just keep packing lunch. Oh, and while you’re at it, stick in a few extra packs of fruit snacks, would … Continue reading →

Jay: Hey, Mom! Remember when I was little and crawled up on the counter and ate half a bottle of vitamins? I almost had to get my stomach pumped, right? Me: Yes, you did! I had to call Poison Control. I still can’t … Continue reading →

Me: Jay, please eat your asparagus. Jay: But it’s disgusting. Me: Just eat it. It’s good for you. Jay: I think it’s really unfair that everything that’s good for you has to taste so bad. Me: It’s just the way it is. Now, eat it. … Continue reading →

Me: Anna Kate, Katy called. I told her you’d call her right back. AK: She called on the house phone? That’s weird. Me: No. She called on your phone. AK: Oh My God, Mom! You answered my phone? Me: Of course, I … Continue reading →

“Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. It’s only considered bribery when you do it to the government. Then it’s illegal and you can get thrown in jail, I get that part. But, there’s nothing wrong with offering your … Continue reading →

Jay: Mom, you know how Katy Perry wrote that Firework song to inspirate people? Me: You mean to ‘inspire’ people? A booger-free Katy Perry is an inpiration. Jay: Yeah. That’s what I just said. Me: Oh, ok. Yes. I know the … Continue reading →

“Mom, I need to warn you. When you come to my school, DO NOT snuggle up to the giant teddy bear in Mrs. B’s class. I don’t care how cute you think he is, whatever you do, don’t go near him…he’s filled … Continue reading →

Will: Can someone pass the ketchup, please? Me: You know what, Will? I think you have that Sex-Ed talk coming up in school soon. Dad and I want to have a little chat with you before it starts, just in case … Continue reading →

I’ve been a horrible blogger. It’s true. I mean well. I really do. Each day, I set out intending to hop on here and share some witty words of wisdom, but inevitably, I am sidetracked. Who would have guessed that this child … Continue reading →

“Mom, did you know that you’ll have less stress in your life if you grow-up to be a professional poker player instead of the President of the United States? Plus, you’ll make more money and get to wear really cool sunglasses. … Continue reading →

“Oh, man, Mom! You’re not making me bring that thermos to school, are you?” “Of course I am? What’s wrong with it?” “Look at it! It’s a crayon. You might as well send me to school in a diaper. I … Continue reading →

“Mom, when I grow-up, I’m gonna invent a Fart Detector to bust all the people who lie about farting. Then, I’m gonna write a book called The Fart Finder. It’s about this guy named Mr. McFarty Pants who travels the world … Continue reading →

“Mom, just so you know…the toilet paper in this house isn’t working. Oh, and by the way, I decided that on Crazy Mismatch Day, I’m gonna wear my underwear on the outside of my clothes.” Jay-10 Happy Friday, everyone!

I find writing to be a lot like drinking. After a cocktail or two, I feel like the most fascinating person in the world. Sorta like the Dos Equis guy, only less mannish and minus the accent. It’s not until the next morning, when I’m left with a … Continue reading →

I recently received the loveliest rejection letter from the editor of MAD Magazine for my submission of I Heard It On The Bus. I know, you don’t usually associate the word lovely with MAD Magazine or rejection, but honestly, their thanks-but-no-thanks letter … Continue reading →

RING, RING… “Hello?” “Nancy, it’s your 78-year-old mother-in-law. Listen, I need you to tell me where I can buy a Playboy magazine.” “Excuse me? Did you just ask me where to buy pornography?” “Yes, dear. I haven’t a clue where … Continue reading →