Roberts' Rules

By Shelly Roberts

Nostalgia IS What It Used To Be.

Now that being out is as practically natural as, oh, say,
acupuncture, I'm hearing an odd nostalgia for some good old days
we've worked darn hard to shed. The days of being a secret
"Jo-sent-me" society, when butches were men, and femmes were women.
(An odd time to be nostalgic for, I have to tell you.)

And most of the sighing is coming from women who weren't there in
the first place. Odd, Girls.

There is a lately longing for the mystic, and the mystery. The
grand allure, and probably, frankly, the implied sexuality of good
old days, which, I hasten to remind you, also included raids,
jailings, lying, beatings and insane asylums, (they certainly were),
electro shock cures, public humiliation, ruination, and, if you read
all the books, great sex.

Hmmm. Maybe there's the key to all the retrospecting. And the
glamour.

I can't say I'm personally all that hungry to go back to the days
of terror and theorizing. But, now that everybody knows everybody
else's business as a matter of public policy and political
correctness, I will agree that there is one great nostalgia game I do
miss. "Is she, or isn't she?"

Oh, not the in-the-office stuff that is a matter of ordinary
course today, as everyone shops for next lovers or new friends. I
mean the real old fashioned movie queen variety. Star-studded stuff
that you could dream on. Staring small at a big silver screen. At
dames with fifteen foot faces. And in your secret heart of hearts,
well, a girl could dream, couldn't she. Close her eyes and pretend
that it wasn't Cary, but Mary wooing the fabulous Goldyn Girls.

Attention K-mart shoppers: Axel Madsen to the rescue. In his
definitive (?) book, The Sewing Circle, Hollywood's Greatest Secret:
Female Stars who loved other women, he can still set your heart
aflutter, and your queries to rest. In the interest of keeping
lesbian herstory alive, Axel provides the horse's mouth on some star
quality lesbians from an era that could have had these women on
suicide watch if we'd only known then what he is willing to share
now.

Sick and tired of waiting for Jody? Since the book is remaindered,
and hard to find, let me steal some of his scene, and fill you in on
the oldies but goodies. It's old dish, but still tasty:

Garbo. Vat was the question.? Her most famous line, "I vant to be
alone." According to Madsen really translates as "I don't vant to be
found out." Ms. Garbo was not singularly affectionate, but
preferentially, she was one of ours.

Eva Le Gallienne, the darling of Broadway, was also the darling of
several she's in the sewing set.

Marlene Dietrich was also a boy-girl-boy-girl-girl-girl-boy kind
of gal. No surprise. Conveniently married to a man who mostly
stayedaway, and came with his lovers to visit.

Joan Crawford was indeed someone's dearest. According to legend,
probably everyone's. Though she crossed over frequently, sweet young
things were her specialty. (Call her "Billie" if you want to sound
like you "knew" the lady.

Barbara Stanwyck? Her best friends in Hollywood were Dietrich and
Crawford. Hmmmm. Rumor was that she tried to seduce Bette Davis.
(double hmmmmm.) And she did marry (wink wink) Robert Taylor.

Myrna Loy, along with Crawford and Stanwyck, were referred to in
inside Hollywood as the "Gilette Blades" for cutting both ways.

A name your might not have suspected, or if you're an Xer, even
known: Katherine Cornnell, star of stage, screen and closet.

Not to mention (or forget) Tallulah Bankhead, Daaahling (in a very
deep voice).

And then there's Kate. Oh, Kate. Miss Hepburn to us all. From ages
nine to thirteen, Kit shaved her head and called herself Jimmy.
Margaret Sullavan, Kate's agent, Leland Hayward's third wife, called
her, according to Madsen, "that dikey bitch." She was inseparable
with certain of her women companions. What about Spencer? Unavailable
men are soooo convenient, aren't they. These were the real nature
denying days, remember.

This used to be such a fun game.

Edith Head called her eight Oscars "the men in my life." Was Agnes
Moorhead bewitching starlets? Capucine admitted that she wouldn't
mind a fling with Barbara Stanwyck. Patsy Kelly, Judy Garland, Elsa
Lanchester, Martha Raye are all implicated.

Don't take my word for it. Please. Leave the defamation suits to
Mr. Madsen. I'm just a jubilant quoter here. It was a fun game to
play in the olden days (or last week) discovering that our screen
heras WERE who we hoped they would be.

Waiting for Ellen kind of pales in comparison.

On the other hand, Marjorie Maine. It's such a shuddering thought,
making it with Ma Kettle.