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The Mandatory Phone Sex Guide to Avoid Sounding Like a Sexual Predator

Sex is best face-to-face, but in our modern world, that isn’t always possible. Travel, scheduling conflicts, and long-distance relationships often interfere with our ability to get laid. Thank goodness for technology, which allows us to connect (and get off) even when we can’t be in the same room with the one we lust for. Phone sex can be a fun, naughty addition to your pleasure-seeking repertoire, but it must be done with care. If you’re too aggressive or move too fast, you risk sounding like a sexual predator rather than a smooth Lothario. Before you dial her up, check out this Mandatory guide so your phone bone session is just as satisfying for her as it is for you.

Cover Photo: Jasmina007 (Getty Images)

Enunciate.

Dude. Phone connections are notoriously sketchy. Speak up and be clear. Nothing slows down a good phone sex romp like, "What did you say? Sorry. You're mumbling. Can you repeat that?"

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Start sweet.

Nobody starts phone sex by saying, "Let's have phone sex!" because that's not sexy. It usually starts because you're apart, you miss each other, and you want to connect. So even if phone sex is the goal in your mind, start with some sweet nothings. Then gradually turn up the heat with a phrase like, "I wish you were here right now so I could kiss you." If she's game, she'll get your drift and ask, "Oh yeah? Where would you kiss me?"

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Let her lead.

The one downside to phone sex is that you don't have all the visual cues to let you know if she's enjoying herself, so communication is crucial to keep the momentum going. But let her comfort level lead. Focus on what she's feeling. Ask her what she wants or wishes you were doing to her before you share your own desires. You should also be able to hear her breathing or moaning, so use those clues to guide the conversation.

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Go slow.

Women and men move at different paces when it comes to arousal. You're sprinting but she's power-walking at best. Don't expect to be telephonically banging in an imaginary bathroom stall two minutes into your conversation. Just like face-to-face sex, foreplay is paramount. Take time work your way through kissing, stroking, and even oral before you arrive at the main event.

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Always say yes.

The first rule of impov is to always agree with whatever the other actors throw out. If you must alter it, you use the phrase, "Yes, and..." then add on to the scenario. In phone sex, if the fantasy starts to go off the rails, go with it! She says she's strapping on a dildo and doing unconscionable things to you with it? Your response should be: "Yes! And then I..." Nothing kills phone sex like saying, "Wait, what? No...I don't think so. I would never do that." Just because you do it on the phone doesn't mean she wants to do it IRL.

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Don't judge.

You never know what kinds of twists and turns a phone sex conversation will take. If she's comfortable, she might say bold, brash things you didn't think she was capable of. Be open to whatever arises (hopefully you).

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Don't do this on the toilet.

You may think you're super discreet and stealth enough to have phone sex on the toilet, but for the love of God, don't. If you must heed the call of nature, you'll have to work the intermission (or the act, if she's into that) into the fantasy. Just don't force any vulgar bathroom noises on her unwillingly.

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Don't invite your buddy over to eavesdrop.

Phone sex is between you and her. There should be no recording, no eavesdropping, no uninvited third party of any kind. If she doesn't feel safe, phone sex won't work, and for many women, safety means feeling like what you're doing is completely and totally private.

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Don't phone it in.

Nothing irritates a woman like a checked-out guy. If you're distracted, she'll notice, and this whole phone sex thing will blow up in your face. Devote all your attention to this conversation and listen closely. You'll get out of it what you put into it.

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Don't get too freaky, too fast.

If this is your first time doing phone sex with her, you might want to stick to narrating the kind of sex you usually have, but in the context of live-action mutual masturbation. It's better to err on the tame side than to say something outrageous (no rape fantasies, please) or to thrust her into a role play scenario she isn't ready for (no, she doesn't want to pretend to be your sister). If you've done phone sex together previously and are comfortable sharing fantasies with each other, then by all means, go wild.

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Laugh it off.

Like face-to-face sex, sometimes phone sex gets awkward, or goes awry, or someone comes sooner than expected. Whatever happens, just laugh it off and keep the vibe casual, loose, and fun. It's just phone sex, after all. The cringe factor is totally normal, if not inevitable.

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End on a nice note.

Like sex IRL, you want to close the experience with class. No one wants to feel like a unpaid phone sex operator at your beck and call, so make sure you have the telephonic version of cuddling post-climax. Tell her you appreciate her willingness to try this with you. Compliment her on her phone sex prowess. Thank her for making you come like you haven't come in a long time (even if it isn't true). Make a plan to see or speak to her in the near future -- and most importantly, follow through on that plan! How you end the conversation might determine if you get to do this again...or if your number will get permanently blocked.