Good Days & Hard Days

Recently I’ve had more Good days than Hard days, more energy and less bad feelings. This morning was the first time in a few weeks that I woke up in a panicked state. I had a nightmare about my son that I won’t go into detail about (it was horrific). I did some deep breathing exercises and after about 25 minutes or so I felt much better. My therapist gave me a book about PTSD and how to ground yourself, I haven’t started reading it yet because I’ve made so much progress over the last few months. It’s something I should probably do though, maybe over Christmas vacation.

I’ve been reflecting on a few different areas of my life this year, the main focus obviously being my health. So far I’ve lost a 110 lbs from my highest weight of 250 in 2013 and 94 lbs since February 24 of this year. I’m currently siting at 140 lbs and a size 7 pants. I just tried a size 7 on yesterday because I noticed my 9’s fitting looser in the waist. And they fit! The last time I was this small I was six months pregnant with my son. Several people have asked me if I’m happy now, but this journey has never been just about my physical appearance, it’s very mental and this process is not a liner one. In my mind there is no definitive answer to that question because I will always want to improve myself in one way or another. I am, in essence a very flawed person, that is the intrinsic nature of humanity.

I have Good days where I look in the mirror and my brain lets me see how much progress I’ve made. On those days I feel beautiful and proud of my accomplishments. On the Hard days, I’m bombarded with the “fat girl” mentality I had for so long. On those days my brain will yell at me and say things like;

“Your still a pig. Look at that disgusting loose skin. You have so many stretch marks! You’ll never be enough. Your unintelligent and you’ll never be smart, blah, blah, blah…”

To over come those thoughts and feelings I will make a list of all the positves that have come from my hard work and determination and I will also look back through pictures so that I visualize how far I’ve come. Here is a list of the positives I’ve come up with.

I went from a size 20 pants to a size 7.

I can tie my shoes without struggling.

I no longer have high blood pressure.

My sleep apnia is gone.

I can breath when I run up and down the stairs.

I can run up and down the stairs!

My husband and I both fit comfortably in the bath and shower together.