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A TREATISE ON MALE ORGASM
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by Dr. Poohth
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After much cogitation this weekend (interspersed with frenzied bursts of
mindless activity), it occurred to me that although much has been written
by experts in the field about the mechanics of male orgasm in the generic
sense, almost nothing has been done to catalog its outward manifestations.
I am sure that most women derive some educational benefit from understanding
the plumbing schematics, but if my guess is correct, they would be far more
interested in studying the actions and reactions that more closely affect
them as sex partners--that is, what the male DOES when he's having an
orgasm, and indeed, how to tell if he's had one at all. Therefore, I
submit for your approval the following thoughts on the infinite variety of
male orgasms. My data is by no means complete, and I would greatly
appreciate additional observations by more experienced members of either
gender.
There are many physical reactions during male orgasm that are readily
perceived by even the most distracted sex partner. These include length
of actual orgasm, vocal utterances, physical pace and coordination, amount
of ejaculate, and recovery time. I will discuss these separately.
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I. Vocal utterances
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This category shows wide variation. Some men are so quiet that it is
impossible to tell when they have achieved orgasm, except for the fact that
they stop. ``What's wrong? Are you tired? Bored?'' ``No, I came.'' ``Oh.''
Needless to say, this is not very satisfying for the concerned partner; it
is somewhat like playing to an empty house. On the other hand, it is very
handy in your parents' house on the sofa, or when your roommate is trying
to sleep in the bunk just above you.
Other men are very, very loud. One man of my (brief) acquaintance achieved
orgasm with an almost continuous bellow at the top of his lungs, lasting
anywhere from half a minute to two minutes. When asked for an explanation
of this unsettling practice, he explained, ``When you're a man, you have to
celebrate the moment.'' While gratifying, this sort of fanfare effectively
banishes any chance for privacy or discretion, unless you have no neighbors
within a five-block radius.
Some men vocalize but cannot articulate, and the array of sounds they
produce cannot be predicted from their normal behavior. The men with the
deepest voices can come up with some pretty adorable high-pitched moans.
Those who do articulate seem to favor words of one syllable, with ``Oh''
being far and above the favorite. Others are ``Oh, God,'' ``Oh, Christ,'' an
occasional ``Yes, yes!'' or a description (sometimes unnecessary) of what is
about to happen. Once a man has found a favorite incantation, he generally
tends to stay with it. Attempts to increase his vocabulary on your part
will generally not be successful unless he retains such things well under
great stress.
A very few remain quite articulate. While impressive, this can also be
frustrating when he is discussing the debugging he did that afternoon.
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II. Physical pace and coordination
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As orgasm approaches, some men increase their pace; others maintain a
steady rhythm. Some lose their coordination altogether, prolonging the
suspense. Some can continue other complicated activities such as kissing,
while some choose that point to acquaint their faces most intimately with
your neck.
The time it takes to achieve orgasm is also subject to variation, of
course, depending on the circumstances. One friend of mine described his
very first experience as, ``Wow, this is great! -- Wow, this is over.''
By contrast, some men seem intent on wearing out several layers of skin
under the impression that the longer they hold out, the sexier they
are--which is probably true until your insides are turned to coarse grade
sandpaper.
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III. Length of actual orgasm
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I was under the original impression that male orgasm was a brief, one-shot
affair, but this appears not to be so, at least from outward appearances in
some cases. My data thus far has only consisted of discreet inquiries of
those in which I have observed this behavior, and I am not yet ready to
postulate that ten- to fifteen-second orgasms definitely exist.
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IV. Amount of ejaculate
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A related category is amount of ejaculate during the typical male orgasm.
They all told us in school that this was no more than a teaspoon. Don't
believe it. There is no way you can produce THAT much spooge by yourself,
so that unless you go after it with a garden hose or a high-powered
Water-Pik, it will come back to haunt you all the next day, ruining your
underwear and causing large dogs to follow you around.
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V. Recovery time
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After some men come you feel like notifying their next of kin. I have
known at least three men to stop breathing for what seems like a minute or
longer, and needless to say, they appear in all other ways unconscious.
All their muscles relax, and you are faced with a problem even more
difficult than that of a cat falling asleep on your lap, especially when
they weigh much more than you do. This is also the type of male who falls
asleep within five minutes and begins snoring in your ear.
Other men remain quite lucid, even energetic. This can lead you to wonder,
as with the really quite ones, whether they have actually come; but since
they do not seem interested in pursuing the activity further, you must take
their word for it. This type of man is especially nice to have around,
because he tends to be attentive and considerate even after the fact,
providing you with another orgasm, a backrub, or even getting you a bowl of
cereal.
Most men become flaccid soon after orgasm, which is to be expected. Their
assessment of recovery time, however, can vary; some men are ready again in
an hour, while others claim to require a good night's sleep before trying
it again.
A very few men are too young to have learned the laws of Nature. Remember
``What comes up, must come down''? No way. The very proximity of a female
body seems to keep them in a state of perpetual readiness, and only
friction burns will slow them (and you) down. Some have also not heard of
the established effect of alcohol on potency. Such men should be kept in
this blessed state of ignorance as long as possible.