So, hai!

so I'm new here (really now?) and I decided to go with the name of Hino Rei from Sailor Moon, even though technically I am not of her sign (I'm Sagittarius / Jupiter). But I just like the element of Fire. Anyway, that just for my name origin.

I've been suicidal for a while now and honestly I am not quite sure what one usually says in their introduction (I read some of the others, but either people kept trying it short OR they just didn't know what to say, I won't rate that), so I am just gonna give a round-up.

Unlike many other suicidal people I have seen, I seem to not be down on myself in the sense of "I am a parasite, I need to die", but instead I am just tired and exhausted of "being here".

I am usually a very strong person and everybody comes to me for help (I have a lot of knowledge about psychology, medicine and many other things, plus I seem to have this "people magnet charm"); but sometime recently I just cracked and broke. I literally felt something snap.

Some of the things that have been adding to the cracking were how I was suffering massively about the "loss" of 2 friends I loved very much and held dear (not lost as in dying. Just "grown apart" or whatever you wanna call it). Then I had a lot of arguing going on in my romantic relationship which did a lot of stuff to me and generally it was always a bit too much about others, not really about me. People would often abuse my generosity or helping hand. Not that I blame them or hate'em for it, because I know it is also my fault as well (you can tell I am a realist and "know how life works", yes?); still, it would have been great if people could have given back to me by themselves, and not because I asked for it.

I kinda started to withdraw and "not care" anymore, so now I am at this point where I am just indifferent about things and where I have been researching things about dying.
I used to be very passionate, but it's like I "lost it" and / or like I've given up and am just kinda accepting things without fighting back anymore now. I'm so neutral these days. Not even somebody close to me crying affects me anymore.

If any of you know about Myers-Briggs and Enneagram, my type is ESTP 8.
I am a fan of Supernatural (tv show), Sailor Moon, the TMNT, videogames, (web)designing, programming and tons of other things. I am seen as very skilled by friends and many of them look up to me.
If some of you guys DO know "Supernatural", I am actually honestly a lot like "Dean". Very much so.

Anyway. I am not sure what else to say. If you have questions, then ask I guess. Unless I can think of anything else I want to add. I am assertive like that.