Friday, June 1, 2012

One small, beautiful thing

It's been a bit of a strange time lately. Taran has never had much separation anxiety, nor been that weepy, but in the last couple of weeks he's been my little barnacle with endless exclamations of "Up by Mama" with the occasional shove in Papa's direction and the equally emphatically stated "All done with Papa". Well then.

The above picture was taken on a particularly tearful morning in which I was un-washed, un-dressed, un-fed, un-done and I had to leave the house "right NOW!" for an important meeting.
Actually, every day this week I had something or other important to do for work that required me to peel him off my body, hand him over to our Nanny and watch his face crumple as I headed out the door. This morning I did not have to be anywhere urgent - this is why I love my job, it has a lot of flexibility (usually) so we only have to have someone come to our home part-time, giving me a chance to play and hang out and work more after Taran goes to sleep.

So, not being able to face one more heartbreaking "Mama, hold the hand, up by Mama, Up By Mamaaaaaa" morning, I stayed home. It was raining hard (finally!!) so Jessikah and Taran and I took a drive down to the North Market to run around. Taran was sooo thrilled to have us both loving him up and it was really nice to see him so happy and excited. As we walked by a produce stall he cried out "Mama, Apple! Eat it!" How could I resist that!

Despite his thorough enjoyment of the apple, he was still willing to share it with the Market's lovely painted porcelain pig.

Nothing wildly eventful or exciting happened this morning. But the fact that I could take the time to hold my son and love him up in the way that he really seems to need right now felt like one small, beautiful thing at the end of a hard week.

Awwww! Seriously - I think I said that out loud when I saw the first photo! Kids sure do know how to pull at those heart strings. But I have to say - I did get a good laugh too - "All done with Papa." Well - he wasn't making any bones was he? So funny! I get so tickled by children and their complete honesty. They are honest with their words and their emotions. And as awful as it would be if adults were pitching tantrums willy nilly and screaming "up by Mama" (that one really tickles me to my friend) it is also kind of sad in a way that we don't. Only in the sense of - when do we lose all of our inhibition? And why exactly? When do we start conforming to society and buttoning up our thoughts and feelings - hiding our inner selves? Hmm - something to think about I guess :)

It totally cracks us up when he says "All done with Papa" - although we try to resist the urge, need to socialize the barbarian and all that. He's very economical, so much said with so few words. I agree with you about the inhibition thing, the honesty of a child can be both refreshing and mortifying. I guess that's why we don't do it all the time as adults, the mortification factor. I remember once standing in line at a grocery store after a really long, hard day and there was a little one in total hysterics, just completely losing it on the floor at my feet and I thought "I know exactly how you feel and I actually feel a little jealous that you have the freedom to just express it so openly. I want to throw a tantrum right now too!".

Oh, these are really sweet, Rebecca. It IS so hard to say goodbye to a crying little one. Of course it's totally OK and a normal part of life, but it is still really hard. I totally get that feeling in the self-portrait-- every mom knows that image/feeling well!

Ariana, thanks for the kind words. Somehow, it's nice to be reminded that this particular brand of non-fun is a universal Mom experience. It feels so awful in the moment and I feel like I'm betraying him to leave. It's hard to remember the feeling is fleeting and he'll be happy again soon.

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About Me

I'm a wish-I-could-stay-at-home, stay-at-home-more-often-than-I-should Mom. Technically I am a 3rd year postdoctoral research fellow in mathematical ecology. Most of the time I'd rather play with my kid than do my research. This doesn't bode well for my future career. Ha! I guess currently I'm just stumbling through life trying to sort out how I can combine my love and enthusiasm for learning with my love of family, food, and exploration.