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Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:07:38 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date 01/18/08) Do you have someone in your life who’s so annoying and frustrating that you just want him or her to go away? What do you do when that person is your ex and the parent of your children? Todd says his ex-wife, Nicholle, needs to butt out of his life, even though they share custody of their two daughters. He says he’s tired of her showing up unannounced, so she can be with the girls when it isn’t her time. Nicholle says Todd and his new wife, Michelle, fail to keep her informed about the girls -- like the time their little girl was in the emergency room. Both parents agree that the girls feel upset every time they have to go to their dad’s house. Cameras capture a typical custody exchange. What is the cause of the chaos? Dr. Phil points out the mistakes these divorced parents are making as he tries to get to the bottom of the threats and name-calling. Can these co-parents learn how to get along with each other for the sake of the kids? Then, meet a mother who hates her son-in-law so much, she refuses to have a relationship with her own daughter unless she divorces him. They face off for the first time in three years. Talk about the show here.

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Butt out!

While watching this the other day, the second part with the mother, daughter and son-in-law really bothered me and brought up feelings I thought I had overcome.

I have been with my husband for 7 years we have two children and are expecting our third this summer. When we first met in Nov. of 2000 and in Feb of 2001 we found out we were expecting our first child..quick..I know but we were excited either way! When we told everyone, we met with a little bit of opposition from my husbands side (too soon, too young (20years each) but regardless they knew we were happy so they were happy for us. My family decided to go the other route. From my stepdad saying I should have an abortion, to my mother saying leave him, live with us, go back to your ex. We were harassed constantly by both phone and email for the entire 9 months. My mother would say things like when you need me I won't be there since he is there to I think of you as dead since it is easier for me to handle that than to know that you are with him. They wrote letters to my husband's boss, high school teacher, pastor, parents and grandparents saying things like "he drugged our daughter and got her knocked up so she would stay with him" They made what should have been a happy time, very stressful. We had our number changed and moved and they still found a way to find us. When I was in labour I had my mother come (what daughter doesn't want her mother there) well she wouldn't come near me unless my husband and his family left, she made a scene in the waiting room and forced her way into the room as soon as she found out our daughter was born. Cut to our wedding, no one in my family showed up expect for my parents and sister they sat at the back, again caused a scene and then as soon as the ceremony was over (20 mins) they were gone. When we found out we were pregnant again the first words out of my mother's mouth were "don't you two believe in birthcontrol" yet another stressing pregnancy. I had a miscarriage a year and a half later and so I called my mother to try and lean on her for some help and advice and all she said was its better you two didn't have a 3rd child, you don't need one.

Now here we are 7 years later, pregnant for a fourth time, no congrats, just more bitterness. We recently moved to be closer to my husband's family and she has outright refused to come and visit even if my husband is not there. She calls only when she wants something and treats my son as if he isn't there (as he looks like his father and our daughter looks like me) I don't hear from anyone else in my family as she as made sure that everyone hates us. My sister, finally getting a little dose of what I have gone through has finally started talking to me again. I get a phone call once a year from my stepdad asking to talk to the kids on Christmas and that's it!

We have tried just about everything we can think of to try and make things right and good among us but nothing works and everytime a special occasion arises I get my hopes up thinking this time will be different and then I get crushed when we go out of our way to try and attend the occasions. I am tired of feeling this way and it has caused occasional agruments between my husband and I. I implore the mothers and fathers to please just let your children live their own lives, be there to support them through thick and thin sometimes they do know what is best for themselves. After watching, I am so glad that I have never vented to my mother about some of our arguments, nothing like adding feul to a fire-I keep a journal and it gets me through everything. I just wish my family would grow up and accept the fact that my husband and our children are here to stay, so my kids could know their only aunt and their other set of grandparents since they are not only hurting me, they are also hurting my kids and themselves, with all the stuff they have already missed out.

I can relate

I have dealt with a very similar situation for the past 9 years. My ex and I got along better right after he left the home and actually handled the care of our children jointly and as co-parents. It was not until he moved in with his than girlfriend and now wife did thing go array. I knew to much (he would be the one to tell me), I didn't need to know anything about my children when they were with him and he had no communication with me. The scenerio would have been fine if my children did not come home with projects undone, homework not completed during his week or attitude that C's and D's were okay. I felt like the divorce was between the 2 of us and not them. There should have been no reason why our children could not have seen us conversing nicely, sharing their accomplishments together and participating in school functions and teacher meetings as needed. Unfortunately because my ex felt he was paying me to care for his children he chose to do quite the opposite. Twice he told them he did not want to see them again, never showed at their activities or showed any involvement with their schoolwork. So now I am dealing with teenagers that have been taught school is not important with no help from him. My ex felt there was no need to pay for the children because of the career that I hold. The only ones that suffered here was the children.

Fast Forward to HS Graduation

My son of an extremely contentious divorce just graduated from high school and is heading off to college this fall. What a joyous time, but how strongly it brings up the issues again of a split family. Grandparents that don't speak, younger children of a now-divorced affair, a litany of paper work from a three year court battle that happened four years after our split. Both of us parents having only roughly half of the childhood memories of our wonderful sons. Trying to heal wounds that have festered for years, now with more urgency. Trying to let go and forgive, heady stuff...

05/30 "Butt Out!"

The mom that hates her son-in-law has all my sympathy. If the daughter loves him so much, why did they run off and elope. I did the same thing years ago. I KNEW that it was wrong and that my parents wouldn't approve. It felt wrong when I was doing it and it did eventually end up in divorce. My daughter could be this mom's daughter. She is so "in love" with this guy that she is livng with. They aren't married yet because he is already married. His wife is demanding a divorce and I know that as soon as those papers are finalized, my daughter will marry this idiot. He is sneaking, lying, manipulative, and doesn't appreciate anything that is done for him. I try to keep the line of communication open between my daughter and myself, but I can only talk to her when HE allows it. He has isolated her far away and strands her in the house with no vehicle and only spends money on what he wants. So I have to call his cell phone to try to talk to her. It absolutely breaks my heart that she is listening to him instead of everyone else. But I've stepped back and decided to allow him to cut his own throat with her. I just wish that he would hurry up and get it done!

i'm sorry to hear that your merriage didn't last. I'm aslo sad to hear that your daughter is in a relationship like that! You see my husband(the daughter that love him so much) isn't anything like what your future son inlaw is like. My husband is great to to me and takes great care of us! we now have a baby on the way and no that he will be a wonderful caring father.

05/30 "Butt Out!"

While watching this the other day, the second part with the mother, daughter and son-in-law really bothered me and brought up feelings I thought I had overcome.

I have been with my husband for 7 years we have two children and are expecting our third this summer. When we first met in Nov. of 2000 and in Feb of 2001 we found out we were expecting our first child..quick..I know but we were excited either way! When we told everyone, we met with a little bit of opposition from my husbands side (too soon, too young (20years each) but regardless they knew we were happy so they were happy for us. My family decided to go the other route. From my stepdad saying I should have an abortion, to my mother saying leave him, live with us, go back to your ex. We were harassed constantly by both phone and email for the entire 9 months. My mother would say things like when you need me I won't be there since he is there to I think of you as dead since it is easier for me to handle that than to know that you are with him. They wrote letters to my husband's boss, high school teacher, pastor, parents and grandparents saying things like "he drugged our daughter and got her knocked up so she would stay with him" They made what should have been a happy time, very stressful. We had our number changed and moved and they still found a way to find us. When I was in labour I had my mother come (what daughter doesn't want her mother there) well she wouldn't come near me unless my husband and his family left, she made a scene in the waiting room and forced her way into the room as soon as she found out our daughter was born. Cut to our wedding, no one in my family showed up expect for my parents and sister they sat at the back, again caused a scene and then as soon as the ceremony was over (20 mins) they were gone. When we found out we were pregnant again the first words out of my mother's mouth were "don't you two believe in birthcontrol" yet another stressing pregnancy. I had a miscarriage a year and a half later and so I called my mother to try and lean on her for some help and advice and all she said was its better you two didn't have a 3rd child, you don't need one.

Now here we are 7 years later, pregnant for a fourth time, no congrats, just more bitterness. We recently moved to be closer to my husband's family and she has outright refused to come and visit even if my husband is not there. She calls only when she wants something and treats my son as if he isn't there (as he looks like his father and our daughter looks like me) I don't hear from anyone else in my family as she as made sure that everyone hates us. My sister, finally getting a little dose of what I have gone through has finally started talking to me again. I get a phone call once a year from my stepdad asking to talk to the kids on Christmas and that's it!

We have tried just about everything we can think of to try and make things right and good among us but nothing works and everytime a special occasion arises I get my hopes up thinking this time will be different and then I get crushed when we go out of our way to try and attend the occasions. I am tired of feeling this way and it has caused occasional agruments between my husband and I. I implore the mothers and fathers to please just let your children live their own lives, be there to support them through thick and thin sometimes they do know what is best for themselves. After watching, I am so glad that I have never vented to my mother about some of our arguments, nothing like adding feul to a fire-I keep a journal and it gets me through everything. I just wish my family would grow up and accept the fact that my husband and our children are here to stay, so my kids could know their only aunt and their other set of grandparents since they are not only hurting me, they are also hurting my kids and themselves, with all the stuff they have already missed out.

Hi, this is the daughter... i am so sorry to heat that you are going through this, and i know how tough it is(obviously) your right about what you said about not telling your mom any of the arguements you've had with him cuz thats all they end up knowing adn just as dr.phil said it's only poisening the well, but being young and use to mom being there thats all i really knew cuz as she said she really was my best friend. At least the good thing with me is at least my dad still talks to me (never about my husband, but at least he does) there are also many ppl on my side of the family that i still communicate with but like we used to. My husbands family absolutely adores me and love me as if i were there own which makes me feel good!! Now i don't have any kids yet, but i do have one on the way now, and let me tell you... my mom still doesn't want anything to do with me and the few times we have become in contact w/each other still tells me to leave him while being pregnent with his kid, and even called my unborn kid an @sswho*e!!!! I am also afraid of what my kdi will be missing out on as for as not getting to meet the other side of the family (mainly grandma) I want my mom in that delivery room soooo bad but my hub brought up a good point, he said this is our precious moment and by her being there it's only going to cause probs and we dont want that, and at first i was upset cuz like u sed who doesnt want there mom in the delivery room with them, but he's right.... as much as i don't want him to be he is. I just wish my mom could see how happy i really am