How’ve you been? It’s been too long. I’m sorry I never replied to your last correspondence. I was real busy for a while, you know, just doing stuff, and then suddenly it felt like too much time had passed, and I felt a little awkward about contacting you with no good excuse for not writing back sooner. But here I am. Let’s not go a year without speaking again.

Anyway:

Enclosed, please find my entry to the second “Say Something Ketchuppy!” contest. I’ve printed my eight-words-or-less funny phrase on a 3’ x 5’ card, as per the contest details printed on the backside of my Heinz tomato ketchup (mine says, will work for food (ha!)), which I purchased even though it was not necessary. Also, you’ll find that I’ve limited just one (1) mail-in entry per postmarked envelope. I’ve even enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for further details on the contest. I figure, why not? Also: where exactly is this contest prohibited and therefore void?

I’ve taken the liberty of constructing a mockup of my entry (also enclosed), because I think the visual aid reinforces the slogan’s maximum impact while driving home brand awareness and reïnforcing consumer confidence. (I used to teach marketing at Kingsborough Community College.) Whatever, I make awesome visuals. I’m better than Michelangelo at Photoshop.

You kick Hunt’s ass.

Best wishes,
Josh Abraham
Sloganeer

P.S. I’ve also enclosed an awesome picture I stumbled upon via Google Images of a pert young strawberry-blonde girl who really enjoys your ketchup. Feel free to use this for your monitor’s wallpaper.

Josh Abraham was born in Algeria in 1913. He spent his early years in North Africa, working various jobs--in the weather bureau, in an automobile-accessory firm, in a shipping company--to help pay for his courses at the University of Algiers. As a young journalist, his report on the unhappy state of Muslims in the Kabylie region aroused the Algerian government to action and brought him public notice. From 1935 to 1938 he ran the Théâtre de l'Equipe, a theatrical company that produced plays by Malraux, Gide, Synge, and Dostoevsky. During World War II he was one of the leading writers of the French Resistance and editor of Combat, then an important underground newspaper. Abraham's fiction, his philosophical essays, and his plays have assured his preëminent position in modern French letters. In 1957 Abraham was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. His sudden death on January 4, 1960, cut short the career of one of the most important literary figures of the Western world when he was at the very summit of his powers. No, wait. That was Albert Camus.

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