• Former Giants trainer Stan Conte and both Giambi brothers testified at Barry Bonds' trial yesterday. I'd tell you what they said, but then Randy Velarde would have to kill you.

• The Bruins' Shawn Thornton needed 40 stitches after Fernando Pisani's skate blade cut him in the face, and the Blackhawks teased him about it. But Boston won 3-0, and got the last laugh—Chicago's only three points ahead of Dallas (who has a game at hand) for the final playoff spot in the West.

• Only 11 students showed up to a rally to support Purdue coach Matt Painter, who is entertaining a job offer from Missouri. Maybe if you had told them Curtis Painter would also be there, a few more people would have shown up? Indiana's a hard place to understand.

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• Madness XX: In some sport that is not men's basketball, UConn beat Duke to a pulp, 75-40. The Huskies are close to winning their third straight national championship, led by Maya Moore, who scored her 3,000th point (she had 28, 10 rebounds, and 7 steals) AND became only the second four-time All-American in history. If she were a man, she'd, uh, be a crummier version of Shabazz Napier, probably.

• Meanwhile, Brittney Griner and the Baylor Lady Bears fell at the hands of Texas A&M, 58-46. A&M had lost eight straight against Baylor! So your other Final Four is set: A&M will play Stanford, and UConn will play Notre Dame. With any luck, we'll see the Stanford-UConn rematch four of you were hoping for.

• Cowboys WR Dez Bryant has racked up about $800k in jewelry debts. At least Antonio Cromartie's unaffordable follies will provide him lifelong joy. What's Dez going to do with his "FUCK U JON KITNA" medallion during the lockout?

• Meanwhile, the Flyers beat the Penguins, 5-2, and further entrenched themselves atop the Eastern Conference, despite a recent cold streak. Alex Kovalev, who is inexplicably still playing, had a goal for the Penguins in the loss.

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Game of Airbrushed Shadows: Kimberly Bell, Barry Bonds' former mistress, testified at his trial and had a lot to say. But she was even more chatty when she spoke to Steve Pond of Playboy in 2007. We all prefer Amy Fisher.