”Give me your big sword!”

Sometimes, people seek greatness. Other times, greatness finds them. And still other times, dirty movies fool a guy into thinking he’s doing something great, but he’s really just a doofus pretending to be Don Quixote.

James Van Iveren, of Oconomowoc, Wis., was at home Feb. 12 when he heard a woman screaming from a neighbor’s upstairs apartment.

With no thought for his own safety, Van Iveren sprang into action. Grabbing a sword that was a familiy heirloom, he went “Errol Flynn” on the situation and bolted up the stairs.

“I intended to hold it behind my back and knock,” he told the Associated Press. “But I froze, and instead, what happened happened.”

Steighorst / WTMJ

And here’s what happened: Van Iveren smashed down the door to rescue the damsel in distress.

“Where is she?” Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at neighbor Bret Stieghorst, according to the complaint. “Where is she?”

There was no damsel in distress. Van Iveren’s neighbor was watching a porn film with the volume turned up high.

Van Iveren has been charged with criminal trespass while using a dangerous weapon, criminal damage to property while using a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct while using a dangerous weapon,. The 39-year-old could go to jail for 33 months.

Democractic presidential candidates Sens. Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton are in a skunk fight over comments from Hollywood mogul David Geffen, who criticized her as divisive and her husband, former president Bill Clinton, as “reckless.” Clinton wants Obama to return Geffen’s $2,300 contribution from a top-dollar Hollywood fundraiser Wednesday. Obama says he’s got no dog in this fight.

GOP presidential candidate John McCain has criticized former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, saying Rumsfeld “will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense.” Vice President Dick Cheney disagreed, saying Rumsfeld was one of the best.

An eight-woman, four-man jury in Washington, D.C. is now mulling 14 days’ worth of testimony in the case of former White House aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, who prosecutors allege obstructed the investigation into the leak of the identity of a CIA operative married to a prominent Iraq war critic.

Here’s the trailer from my favorite Japanese monster movie, Destroy All Monsters, from The Internet Movie Data Base. This is the one where Godzilla and other guys in rubber suits flatten Tokyo.