The Blog

The Hired Pens Plays ‘Rate the Spam’

Who loves getting spam? Not me. But it’s inevitable that the occasional spam will slip through the filter, so why not have a little fun with it?

In that spirit, let’s take a look at some actual spam I’ve received this month. I’ll give each an Awfulness Score between 1 and 10 (with 10 being the most awful).

Contestant #1: Killer Pen Guy

From: Magical PENSubject: The world’s DEADLIEST PEN….

This Titanium Coated Pen Drops a 300lb Attacker Like a Sack Of Potatoes

You can’t take guns and knives with you everywhere… you need to have a backup, just in case you’re in one of those “Weapon Freé” zones.

Have you seen what this “pen” can do to an attacker? WATCH Never get hit by an attacker! See how in this video..? – It’s stunning!

Remember, we’re all in this together!

“Above Average”JoeSurvival Life Chief Editor

Commentary: And I thought I was the world’s deadliest Pen. … I face 300 lb. attackers on a regular basis, so this might be just what I need. … Yes, “Above Average” Joe, we are all in this together. (Excuse me while I wipe this tear from my eye.)

Awfulness Score: 3

Contestant #2: Incoherent Guy

From: Chadani DeviSubject: 1st Page on GOOGLE

Hi There

I am Marketing Manager for an international marketing company based in

How to make your website appear on the first page of Google What this would cost!! Want more clients? If you want your website to appear on first page of Google then please let me know. We can provide you 1st to 10th position in Google rankings at very affordable prices.

Email us back to get a full proposal.

Best Regards,

Marketing Team

Commentary: Don’t keep me in suspense — where is your international marketing company based? … I guess sentence flow and coherence aren’t exactly their strong suits. … But I love the application of the rarely used double exclamation marks!!

Awfulness Score: 6

Contestant #3: Toe Fungus Guy

From: Fungal nail infectionSubject: Tips to Avoid Toenail Fungus

Nail Fungus Can Kill You – Remove It With This Simple Trick!

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon a video about toenail fungus and what I saw appalled me. The thing that scared me the most about it is that I realized just how deadly it can be and how easily we take this infection for granted, without realising that, in fact, toenail fungus can go into the bloodstream and poison your blood to death!

WARNING: The video that you are about to see is highly disturbing and not for those faint of heart. Still, that being said, if you have, or know someone that has, toenail fungus infection, then you MUST watch it! This video saved the lives of thousands of people chronically infected with toenail fungus!

Oh, and there’s more than that. Apparently, FDA itself warns us that the prescription medicine for this type of fungus has already killed over 30 people.

So, naturally, if the disease is dangerous, as well as the medicine for it, you are asking yourself how to cure this deadly condition that you have. Well, it’s shockingly easy, once you know the natural exact formula for the remedy.

Click here to find out how to cure toenail fungus in just 14 days, naturally, using some cheap kitchen ingredients:

Commentary: Wait, now I have to add toenail fungus to the list of things that can kill me? … Very few people realize that toenail fungus can “poison your blood to death” — criminally underreported by the mainstream media. … I had forgotten that cheap kitchen ingredients can save my life. My mom always recommends a combination of cumin, olive oil and Dawn dish soap.

Awfulness Score: 9.5

Contestant #4: Casual Guy

From: John GosselinSubject: Re: quick question

Hey there – did you get my last email? Hope you weren’t eaten by alligators…

Commentary: How dare you joke about being eaten by alligators! I’ve lost a sister and three cousins that way! … I have to admit, though, he reeled me in with the understated subject line and casual question/joke. What, he sends the same email to thousands of people every day? Damn you, John Gosselin!

Please note that each unit should be well-ordered as this is mandated by our client for their ongoing project.

Awaiting your soonest reply.

Regards,

Bridget FryouxTechniques InternationalHouston Office Manager

Commentary: Well, that’s an interesting subject line — how could I not open this email? … “Dear Sir / Madam”: classy. It’s about time I got a little respect from this generation of young spammers. … Penalized for including what is presumably a virus-ridden attachment. Damn you, Bridget Fryoux!