Goodbye, holidays, and good riddance

By
Barry Tompkins, Marin Independent Journal

Saturday, December 31, 2016

I have now reached the OD point. I am done with figuring out which gifts to buy for my loved ones. Done with entertaining. Done with present wrapping and celebrating. I’ve made my last toast, hugged my last visitor, wished my last sales clerk happy holidays.

I don’t have to eat another slice of turkey until next Thanksgiving or make a shopping list that consists of anything more than bread, milk and perhaps vodka.

I’ve decked my last hall, ho’d my last ho, winked my last wink and jingled my last bell. The holidays are done and so am I.

The next holiday I look forward to is pitchers and catchers reporting.

Don’t get me wrong. I have thoroughly enjoyed this holiday season spent with family and friends. It’s just that if it didn’t have a finish line my body would simply explode into massive globules of crab, turkey, gravy and pie that if left unchecked could cause our new president to reconsider his position on global warming.

I also have a small window for appreciating the influx of Christmas cards depicting a beautifully perfect family in their matching red sweaters (most all of which include the red-collared family shih tzu). Generally speaking I do not recognize anyone in the photo with the possible exception of the shih tzu, which leads me to believe that the shih tzu simply had a perfect family Photoshopped into its Christmas card to our dog Rosie.

And, if the “perfect family” Christmas card isn’t enough to make you go running off to either a plastic surgeon or a red sweater sale, then the “perfect family” newsletter should be enough to push you into considering simply ending it all by dunking your head into a vat of eggnog.

You know the ones I mean. The ones that start off something like, “It’s been another blessed year for our family...” That in itself should be reason enough to stop reading and hit the shredder button, but of course we go on.

“We were busy traveling again this year and were happy to provide an entire Mongolian village new yurts after a sewage explosion nearly wiped out the local yak population. Our son (you remember, the one who was valedictorian, senior king and captain of the chess team) finally discovered the cure for cancer, and our little girl (who last year became the youngest billionaire in America when her acne cream startup was purchased by Google) was just named Secretary of State. Oh, and we can’t forget our little Reggie won best of show at the Westminster Kennel Club. How cute.”

Yeah, those letters! I’ve always wanted to respond with a warts and all Christmas letter of my own:

“It’s been quite a year for our family, particularly after the house blew up from the gas emissions that fire officials traced directly back to our son. The good news was it got rid of the termites. The rash the wife had finally cleared up after she was diagnosed as being allergic to all food. And I’m doing better now that the boil on my big toe burst. It made the dog sick but she should be fine as soon as the distemper subsides.”

And now it’s over; 2016 and its comings and goings (with an emphasis on all too many goings) gives way to 2017 and a new order. As the actress Bette Davis actually never really said in the movie “All About Eve,” “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

Barry Tompkins is a longtime sports broadcaster who lives in Marin. Contact him at barrytompkins1@gmail.com.