NRA Proposes New Solution: Weaponized Schoolchildren

Washington, DC: NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre, who was brought out of his concrete bunker last week, has proposed to Congress that schoolchildren be prepared to avoid another tragedy like Newton. In the wake of the Connecticut shooting, the NRA has been at the forefront of the movement to keep our children safe, fulfilling their typical role of protecting the lives of those who aren’t robbers, terrorists, criminals, hoodie-wearing minorities, political opponents or tasty animals.

LaPierre has already been the subject of a great deal of attention after his suggestion that the answer to gun violence was more guns. This is logic typical of NRA members, as with their belief that the answer to heart disease is extra bacon because, as everyone knows, if fat is consumed fast enough, it will rocket through the blood vessels and expel any blockages that happened to have collected.

Now LaPierre and the NRA are going one step further; taking measures to make sure schoolchildren are properly equipped to deal with shooters. The NRA has partnered with Italian weapons manufacturer Baretta in promoting the new “kid-size” Baretta. Designed to fit comfortably in the hands of kids as young as eight, the weapon can be concealed easily in one of the NRA’s newly released bulletproof lunchboxes. Parents can choose from several kid-friendly themes such as Dora the Explorer and Disney’s Cars.

With a wide range of weaponry easily obtainable by any psychopath, the NRA has pushed for more advanced weaponry to be produced in kid-friendly form. The NRA’s website suggests a Bulletblocker bulletproof backpack coupled with “My First Mortar” from Bazalt. Thus equipped, an ordinary fifth-grader becomes a deadly piece of mobile artillery.

The NRA’s push has also lead to partnerships between toy and weapons manufacturers. For example, Hasbro toys is releasing the “Mr. Hot Potato Head”. It appears like a normal Mr. Potato Head, but pull off its hat and it becomes an anti-personnel fragmentation grenade, capable of deterring even the most determined school shooter. In a similar vein, there’s a jump rope that doubles as a garotte, a Nerf kid-size missile launcher, Play-doh explosives, gold star sticker shurikens and anti-personnel-flavor Capri Sun. Capri Sun, of course, being a natural choice for weaponizing, as their formula is near military-grade as-is.

The NRA hasn’t stopped there, though. Just like only good guys with guns can stop bad guys, only highly-trained good guys can stop bad guys trained by, for example, the NRA. They’ve pushed schools to integrate weapons training into their curriculum. The Texas school system, always at the forefront of education, has replaced its Honor Roll program with the Honor Guard program. Through rigorous training and near-death survival trials, children become versed in a variety of lethal techniques adapted for small hands and innocence.

With these new measures, the NRA believes America’s school children will become as adept at stopping conflict as the country has been.