Thursday, November 22, 2012

Theater Whore: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Oh my god so many beheadings! This movie should have been called Twilight: Breaking Necks Part 2! This was by far the most violent of the series. Fuck that. One of the most violent films to come out in the last few years. This movie was more violent than Wolverine. Read that again at least four times and try to make sense of it. You cant! I have already mentioned that I have seen all these films and did not super hate them. This film takes place right after Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 1. If you recall Kristen Stewart, who I cant stand, had a baby and became a vampire.

So Bella wakes up and Edward is watching her like a total creepazoid and she bolts across the room and starts molesting her face. He tells her that she is stronger than him right now and that before she goes to see the baby, Renesmee, that she needs to feed. They go out hunting and she is gonna snatch a deer when she spots a hiker. She fights the urge to chomp his ass and kills a mountain lion instead. Then she heads back to the house and starts to kick Jacob’s ass because he is imprinted on her daughter. Who is only a couple weeks old. Yeah.

No fuck the baby!

Alice leaves the family after having a terrible vision and then a vampire that left the family, Irina, sees Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee, who is aging fast as hell, strolling and is all like “Ooh, I’m telling’!” and runs back to the Volturi. They are the old weird vampires that popped up in the other films. Irina says that they have made a child vampire which is bad. I shit you not there’s a scene where Dakota Fanning tosses a toddler into fire like it was a bag of chips. I laughed knowing I shouldn’t have. Now the Volturi are heading to the Cullen family to start some shit.

First stop: Hot Topic.

The head of the Cullen family gathers all these other vampires that you’ve never seen or heard of and they each have Renesmee touch them and they see that she is human…but not. Some of the vampires are downright crazy looking and some are hot ass chicks called Amazon’s. I need to mention the fact that every vampire has a power. Edward can see the future a little. Bella is a shield. And these chicks make my pants tighter.

"We want to suck your...blood. Pervert."

The Volturi arrive in America and start killing folks as they near the Cullens. By this point I have sat through over an hour of longing stares and am beginning to lose my patience. I just want to see a damned fight now. The Cullens and their super friends arrive for the Volturi and they try to talk everything out like adults. Aro, the main bad guy, gets a sample of Renesmee and sees that she is not a vampire. Alice shows up and is like “No matter what happens you’re gonna start some shit, right?”

Aro’s butt buddy is all “She is dangerous and may not attack us now but later she will!” and Aro is like “Shut up for a damned second you’re making me look bad.” He orders the execution of Irina for starting all this shit. They rip her head off and set her on fire. Then Carlyle, the father Cullen, rushes up and gets his head cut off. All hell breaks loose!

What happens for the next ten minutes or so is a brutal fucking fight that I would never have expected to see in a Twilight film. Werewolves get their necks broken. Vampires get their heads torn off. They don’t cut away either! You see heads ripped and bodies burned. Meanwhile Jacob is running away with Renesmee because he’s gonna fuck her in a few years. Seriously. She will be a full adult in a few years.

When there's grass on the field Jacob will play.

One dude gets caught by these two hot blonds and they tear his head in half. You see his cheeks tearing! So everyone is dying and being torn apart and finally its Bella with Edward versus Aro. They end up breaking his leg, back, and tearing his head off and setting him on fire.

Bella Smash!!!

Then Aro snaps out of it and it was all a vision that Alice was showing him of what was about to happen. Another half vampire shows up and explains that he is fine, can eat food or drink blood so Aro quickly changes his mind and is like “I’m getting the fuck out of here!” They all head back home and everything is fine with the world. Yay!

Happy happy frown frown!

I totally forgot to mention a bunch of stuff. Like Bella’s dad thinking she was dead. Jacob showing him that he was a werewolf. Bella still not telling her dad what’s up. How creepy it is that Jacob is destined to bone someone we have only seen as a baby and then small girl. I mean…ew!!!

This movie was not as terrible as the last few. Especially Breaking Dawn Part 1. That movie was ass and just a build up for this. One of the funny things I have to mention is that for the first time Kristen Stewart had a personality. Sad that she had to die to get it.