Monday, 23 August 2010

F.E.A.R

When things are going smoothly, I find it incredibly hard not to look for that next bump in the road. I almost expect it. After living with constant ups and downs over the past two years, I worry when the next fall will be. In fact worry is a massive understatement. I live in fear. Fear of the next flare, fear of disappointment and fear of things taking a turn for the worst. It’s only natural, I guess, when things have been going so well for me lately. Yes, I still have the odd bad day and slight stiffness/pain etc but I have learnt to deal with that now and plan my life around it so it no longer stops me ‘living’. But, if the day came when things got really bad again I am not sure how I would react.
Obviously what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I am a living breathing example of that as I am sure many of you are. I have picked myself up and dusted myself off so many times in my past and, through determination, I have got through really bad patches. I’m not sure I want to do that again and the fear is knowing that I probably will have to. With RA you expect the unexpected. You can never fully imagine a life without pain or fatigue. All you can do is enjoy the good days as much as possible because tomorrow may be a bad one. I don’t know what the future will bring, I just know that whilst I feel well, I vow to enjoy and make the most of every day.
Scientists are always looking for cures and working on new treatments and that fills me with confidence that one day, perhaps in the near future, us arthritis sufferers will not have to suffer anymore. Being positive has certainly improved my life, I supposed when you’re so down the only way to go is up. Living in fear is terrifying. It’s the knot in my stomach every morning I open my eyes and pray not to feel immense pain as I have done in the past. The relief I feel when I realise I can get out of bed without difficulty is overwhelming and that’s what makes me think I must do something worthwhile today. I know for some of you, it has been a while since you had a day like this, but believe me if anyone had told me just a few months ago that I would be able to do the things I am at present I would have laughed in their face. So try not to live in fear, my friends, a good day is only round the corner.

3 comments:

I believe it is the unknown that most of us fear the most. Never knowing, not able to plan for nor control it when it hits. You just bootstrap up and move one step at a time forward. It's all any of us can do. You sound very level headed so you have that going for you. You have support and that counts for a lot. Many do not have support. Can you imagine, I feel badly for those who don't. You have to let go of fear for sure just to get up every morning. Hugs to you. Tazzy

I think we all feel exactly the same way. The thing you said about the fear just after waking up of whether there will be pain - I do that every day. But in a way we're no different to other people. Everyone's lives can turn bad at any moment. It's just we've been reminded of it, very sharply. I think that for the more fortunate RA-ers, who regain a 'normal life', it just means we actually appreciate and live it to the max, every second!!

All About Me

At the age of 22 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I did not know much about the disease but it seemed my life would never be the same again. After months of despair, loosing a loved one and giving up my dream job I am finally coming to terms with my condition. I realised that I am not alone and with the help of incredibly supportive family and friends I can live a normal life and will not be beaten by this. I hope in reading my stories you too those who have been diagnosed will realise you are not alone and those who know someone will get an idea of how their friend/relative may be feeling and the challenges we face. Now 24, I am ready to share my story with you beautiful people (be ready for one hell of a rollercoaster ride!)