I don’t know how long that video will be up, but until they take it down, jump to the 1-minute-50-second mark and watch Mark Henry say “vengeance is mine!” only to be answered by the GHOST OF RANDY ORTON. Theories:

1. For whatever reason, the WWE Universe has always been able to see and hear Orton’s subconscious. Evidence: the time he imagined his dad’s face was covered in blood and we I guess imagined it too. That video also features Josh Mathews being possessed and Orton seeing Undertaker in the mirror and being crazy, but again, we saw and experienced all these things, too.
2. Mark Henry has gone to the place where he hears voices, King.
3. Orton was just backstage with a mic doing an R-Truth thing and it came across weird because they didn’t cut over to the TitanTron. (this is clearly not the answer)
4. Randy Orton has become a telepathic mute, which would explain why I’ve been enjoying him so much as the quiet guy who wrestles bad guys in wrestling matches.

The match itself gets a very small “Worst” based on Mark Henry saying the feud was over and done with last week, but both guys being booked into this and going through the motions like that stuff never happened. It gets a very small “Best” for Randy’s “no… vengeance is mine” sounding so much like Sindel in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Best: Cody Rhodes, Herpetologist

Cody continues to be a bright spot on Raw and in a wrestling world where the WWE roster looks too much like the UFC’s and not enough like Street Fighter’s. It’s been pointed out (from the attempt at a Mr. Sinister jacket on) that what Cody’s going for is a comic book super villain, so he shows up like one of the freaky people from the 60s Batman show and never does anything more maniacal than tie up the hero and dance around him taunting. I also figured out an important cog in his delivery — since he’s portraying a comic book villain, the promo has to be broken up into fragments and spoken slowly, because only so many words can fit in a balloon.

“When you cut off the head of a viper, the venom goes with it!”
“Randy Orton, humiliated!”
“Would you like a receipt with your paper bag?”

Come on, you can’t see “Randy Orton, humiliated!” on the cover of an old issue of Brave And The Bold? Also, I’m not even sure how “would you like a receipt with your paper bag” is an insult, because I guess if you’re putting bags on peoples’ heads “paper of plastic” would work, or if you’re going for a grocery store thing “would you like a receipt” and then punching the guy might work, but “would you like a receipt with your paper bag” reads like J-Kwon in “Tipsy” saying “do a shake come wit those fries” and doesn’t make any sense, because the SHAKE is what you’re getting and fries relates that to food and no girl in the club is doing something you could call “fries”. That said, when he said it and started his slow Dr. Evil laugh I couldn’t help but smile, and you know what? It was the first time I’d smiled all show.

There is something wrong with putting a Rhodes in a four man stable, though. Cody shouldn’t be the Tully Blanchard, he should be the Baron Zemo, and he should command a bunch of Cody Rhodes-themed guys in matching jumpsuits.

Worst: Mark Henry Needing To Be Saved

The uncomfortable forward momentum of the show continued with Mark Henry getting RKO’d in the middle of the ring and needing a mid-card heel to run out and save him from a loss. This has more to do with me loving Mark Henry and wanting him to be the unstoppable force he was at first than it does “bad wrestling booking” or whatever, but I don’t remember Vader beating the dog balls out of the Z-Man and then three months into his run needing Larry Zybysko to run out and stomp Johnny B. Badd in the back to save the match. What is it with WWE and their incessant need to create something wonderful and let it dangle? The follow-through should be the best part. I shouldn’t be excited because something happened, I should be excited because something KEEPS happening.

Worst: The Big Show’s Whole Thing

Why is he dressed like that? He looks like he’s wearing a perverted Halloween costume.

Sweet Jesus. Brandon just dropped an Ed McGuinness reference. Continuing the analogy, it seems as though Jeph Loeb is the new head writer of Raw. Mason Ryan = Red Hulk.

10.11.11 at 2:48 pm

WhatYeahOkay

I’d like to think Cody and the “would you like a receipt with your paper bag” reference was the wrestling version of a receipt, throwing an “inside” term out there for the smarks to feed on.

10.11.11 at 2:50 pm

Dave

“And it might be bearable if Laurinaitis didn’t have the voice, cadence and dialogue of Kirk Van Houten. The next time Triple H confronts him backstage he should whip out a drawing pad and explain what dignity looks like.”

I haven’t seen Raw and after negative reviews across the board, I’m not sure if I’ll even bother watching it but that line was incredible.

10.11.11 at 2:52 pm

Rocket Raccoon

Oh… This is pretty much how I felt about teh show. I actually had to fast forward through most of it on the PVR because I couldn’t handle actually watching it. Even the little bit of wrestling there was…

10.11.11 at 2:55 pm

Paul

I actually thought the opening segment was great—it let me think, for a good thirty minutes, that we were going to get a long-term storyline where each side had legitimate points and there was no obvious good or bad guy. (It helped that I was doing the dishes at the time and wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention to what people were actually saying.) Then in the next segment, Triple H got fired by an unemployed Vince McMahon, and we were back to “BAD GUYS CHEAT” and “GOOD GUYS SMILE”.

A different nitpick bothered me about the whole storyline, though. They kept talking about John Cena et. al.’s non-apperance in the no-confidence vote as a clear sign that they supported Triple H. If they were really supporting him, wouldnt’ they have shown up to be the one dude who didn’t vote “no confidence”? Last week it was a meeting of the entire WWE roster to discuss Triple H’s performance; this week, it was apparently supposed to be a meeting of the I Hate Triple H Club.

10.11.11 at 2:57 pm

THAT is a DISGUSTING ACT

sheamus…did not know you had a case of Sylvester the Cat when you’re on the mic for more than just ‘I’LL FOIGHT ‘EM.’

last night was bad. last night was really bad. the weekly BaW column has undoubtedly turned me into a more critical viewer. you’re the alan sepinwall of the WWE (take that for what its worth). however, it doesn’t take a critical eye to see HOLY HELL, HOW HAVE YOU MANAGED TO DESTROY ALL THE MOMENTUM YOU’VE BUILT OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS? I don’t know how you managed to squeeze any ‘bests’ out of this, but kudos to you, sir. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

just know that allusions to hit points and magic points will ALWAYS have me coming back to WL.

/slides glasses up nose

//races some Chocobos

///doesn’t care if its not the same game

////still a nerd

10.11.11 at 2:57 pm

Larry Dickman

Wait, so JR got fired for doing exactly what everyone else did?

10.11.11 at 2:59 pm

Joe

There was a lot wrong with last night’s Raw. The biggest problem being that the WWE had an extremely interesting storyline that had me excited about this week’s show. Then they immediately threw that storyline out the window after the opening segment. This episode had so much potential because they could have done so many cool things. Bring in some FCW guys, let Tyler Black and Jon Moxley have a match on TV. I know that’s WAAAAYYY too much to ask but I would love for WWE to surprise me with some cool innovative stuff every once in a while. Seeing those guys would be awesome and it would please everyone. There are so many things that they could have done here that would have been better than last night. Then at the end of the show, have McMahon come out and do the same thing that he did 30 minutes into the show last night. Then next week, you can go back to your normal Raw. I understand they have a PPV in 2 weeks that they need to build up but that’s just another part of the issue. Too many fucking PPVs. But that’s a whole separate thing.

With all that being said, your unbelievably negative to this show is kind of inexplicable, especially to the opening segment. I guess I’m a big dumb idiot but I thought that opening segment was a lot of fun and it made me really hopeful for the rest of the episode. Those hopes were quickly dashed but regardless, CM Punk putting on HHH’s blazer and sitting indian style at the announce table made me smile. Sorry that it didn’t for you. I think the biggest problem with these reports (which I honestly do really enjoy) is that everything is over-analyzed. I know that’s kind of your thing and that’s what stretches these things out to 6-7 pages. And I know you want wrestling to be smart but let’s face it, it’s not. And it never will be. Wrestling is unbelievably fucking dumb. Everything about it is fucking stupid as hell. And that’s how it’s always going to be. And sometimes you just need to put things into perspective. So, sitting here and poking holes in the theory of the big, muscly Irish fella is really a waste of my time and your’s. You have to pick your battles with pro wrestling. Some dumb shit might happen that makes zero sense but if someone ends up getting piledrived for it, sometimes you gotta just smile and go along with it.

tl;dr: This was a bad episode of Raw but not for the reasons you have here.

10.11.11 at 2:59 pm

king raccoon

i watch RAW only, and holy sh!t i had to take my headphones off during most of the cena/hhh/punk/sheamus interactions because i was embarrassed for them. HHH sucks, and wwe sucks for making everyone have to kiss his ass. i was hoping the interim GM was gonna be hbk, so he could come out and superkick the hell out of hhh. i know its fake, but nothing would make me happier than hhh getting the shit kicked out of him.

10.11.11 at 3:01 pm

JBShakes

I’ll take a swing at the new WWE movie:

“It’s a wacky inheritance comedy! It’s an action flick! It’s a western! Apparently John Cena punches his brothers, blows stuff up, and falls in love with a Native American girl!”

Sheesh…I’m assuming at this point that the operative goal for all WWE/John Cena projects is to get at least ONE mainstream review that says, “John Cena is not the worst thing about this film”.

10.11.11 at 3:02 pm

Philip

I wonder if years later we’ll look back and wonder “man, what was the deal with 2011?”

Enjoyed the Cole deadpan joke

10.11.11 at 3:05 pm

Nick

Brandon, I just want you to know you are my favourite person ever.

*And I haven’t even finished the first page yet.

10.11.11 at 3:08 pm

JaneLynchsTampon

Did I hear Cole correctly when he said Orton is now being called the “Apex Predator?”

I ask because if you’re familiar with D.C. you’d know there’s a long time gay bar/club there called the… you guessed it! The Apex.

Gave me a good laugh.

10.11.11 at 3:10 pm

RLL's Horrorshow

I love the shit out of Kaitlyn, and the photo of her (even with her head turned) is the only thing that got me through this best / worst. Not because it was a bad column, but because holy jesus, what is the WWE doing and why can’t it capitalize on good things ever?

Side note: i love the rage-fueled Kelly Kelly and i wish she would continue her destrucity until she straight up Thunderlips Tamina into the third row. But she’s never ever going to be Sara Del Ray, she won’t even be Daizee Haze german suplexing Ophidian until i watch the lights go out in his eyes (yes through the mask. shut up). I wish whoever was working with Trish and Lita back in the day when they stopped having any regard for the other’s well-being would come back and give Kelly Kelly some of that spark.

Mason Ryan should just get a permanent worst forever. He is to muscles and negative talent what Scrooge McDuck is to gold coins.

CM Punk…i can’t even find a good way to say how bummed i am about what this turned into. Before and directly after Money in the Bank, i was SO STOKED about this guy and what he was doing for wrestling….i was at home watching RAW live instead of DVR’d for the first time in years. But then they just let it derail into this ridiculous mess, and lost the focus and fire and brimstone passion that made it work in the first place. Sliding into terrible kayfabe breaking promos instead of venting about what he really hated and what was holding him down led right to him jumping back on triple h’s dick. And now it’s like that whole awesome segment where he made Vince apologize for ruining wrestling never happened. Everything has been reset and i am on the verge of hating pro wrestling like poison again.

As always, i love this column.

10.11.11 at 3:10 pm

Hfff

Yeah, last night was not so good, but I watched Swagger powerbomb Bourne damn near a dozen times and it never got old. That shit should be put in the opening to RAW.

10.11.11 at 3:11 pm

BellyBillboard

@ Larry Dickman – JR Was fired for being rehired by Triple H, and Miz/Truth were brought back because Triple H fired them. Apparently, Johnny Ace prescribes to the 3rd grade one-upsmanship school of management and revenge. But this will allow us to see Triple H get his VENGANCE at the aptly named PPV coming up soon

10.11.11 at 3:11 pm

Mikey

I don’t know what to say at this point. It just sucked. R truth and Miz are the reason I keep coming back but if they throw away that whole angle, I’ll go watch TNA.

Hah, no I won’t but I’ll keep watching Raw and shouting at the screen.

10.11.11 at 3:14 pm

coked_up_jesus

I felt like watching this Raw was akin to being whipped repeatedly with a belt in the face. How is it possible to do almost a year or more worth of storylines in the span of four months. Even a child watching isn’t that forgetful.

I still love this article though and will read it through thick and thin or until you eventually give up and move into the hills, away from all technology.

10.11.11 at 3:17 pm

steelydanno

If it makes you feel any better, the first thing I thought after this aired was “Oh no, what if this makes Brandon Stroud hang up his spurs?”

10.11.11 at 3:18 pm

Brandon

@Joe – While I respect the difference of opinion (and know from previous comments that you’re a bit of a homer for Triple H, which puts as at creative odds), I’m not sure “inexplicable” is the word to describe my dislike of the segment. I spent a whole page explaining it pretty thoroughly, regardless of whether or not you agree.

@Nick – thanks, guy

10.11.11 at 3:19 pm

Joe A

I think next week HHH will have a handicapped “Suck our Cocks Match” against the entire RAW roster. In loving memory of Chris Bosh, of course.

10.11.11 at 3:20 pm

Dennis

Just an all-around terrible show. I could have done a better show with my action figures.

10.11.11 at 3:20 pm

John

It’s almost like the WWE hired all of these writers to lure us into their soap opera vans with promises of candy and Mark Henry splitting the utmost of wigs only to rape our dream of watching good wrestling.

10.11.11 at 3:21 pm

Dennis

Also, if this wasn’t the worst Raw ever, what was? Full disclosure: I didn’t see a single Raw before 97.

10.11.11 at 3:22 pm

Brandon

@Dennis – I don’t keep a list or anything, but that ZZ Top Raw was pretty bad.

10.11.11 at 3:25 pm

Save Us Ralphus

CHRONOTRIGGER REFERENCE!!!

Love reading the column every week and I was wondering by the end of the show if there would be any bests. It’s almost unfathomable how far things have fallen in just a short amount of time. Almost. Back was Cena was being Cena everywhere and Punk was barely on TV, you could at least pick out some coherent storytelling.

NOTHING about the current HHH angle makes sense. I didn’t really put any stock into the reports that they hired a bunch of soap opera writers but it’s clear no one on their staff knows how to properly execute a wrestling storyline/feud.

Johnny Ace might be one of the worst on screen characters they’ve ever trotted out there. Khali could cut a better promo.

The more I think about last night, the angrier I get.

10.11.11 at 3:26 pm

Ewzzy

When I started up Raw last night I was greeted by the Spanish announce team describing how the American announce team had walked out. They kept talking as HHH walked to the ring. It was great. It was only after about 15 minutes that I realized that this wasn’t some crazy/brilliant staging on WWE’s part but rather my DVR having the language set wrong. Don’t quite know how that happened.

10.11.11 at 3:27 pm

Brian G.

Oh… oh man. The things you put up with for us.

That said, AJ picure + Cody Rhodes laugh at least made THIS entertaining.

10.11.11 at 3:27 pm

Troi

I think the show would have actually been better if it was just Cena and Sheamus fighting for two hours.

10.11.11 at 3:28 pm

Thatsamare

The women’s segment wasn’t bad. I’m happy they have different bodies out there. Now if they could just get rid of Eve, we’d be set.

Your commentary of Sheamus was spot on and MF’ing hilarious. He’s freaking Sheamus. All he had to do was come down and say he loves to fight and doesn’t want to miss an opportunity to beat someone up. It’s quick and concise and keeps him awesome.

CM Punk is dead to me. Long live the Summer of Punk! *Puts of Team Cody Rhodes t-shirt*

I also agree with Cody Rhodes having his own stable with lesser comical jobbers. Him with Dolph and Swagger just seems. . . off.

10.11.11 at 3:28 pm

WhatYeahOkay

CM Punk gains acceptance by the cool kids, and what was shaping up to be an epic climax turns into LaRusso shaking hands with Zabka and putting on a Cobra Kai gi. Kreese tells Zabka his services are no longer needed and the kid who kicked Danielsan in the knee gets to run Raw now.

FRIENDSHIP.

*turns into ice cream bar*

10.11.11 at 3:45 pm

Steely Danno

Is Triple H Sir Dalton?

“GOLEMTWINS! GO!” [Sins Cara enter]

10.11.11 at 3:54 pm

Brandon

@Steely Danno – hahahah yes he absolutely is

@LJ – No idea. I’m pale as hell and covered in freckles and I don’t even come close to being that white.

@Keyser – Glad to be of service, friend.

10.11.11 at 3:45 pm

Old Newspaper

This week’s B&W opens by validating all the frustration I felt during last night’s opening segment. It closes with a Chrono Trigger reference.

I would have like to have seen a nod to CM Punk’s “hippies eating tofu dogs” comment, though. Boom. Roasted.

10.11.11 at 3:45 pm

LJ

Yeah, I hear what you’re saying, Brandon. But I have one question: Why is Seamus’s skin that color? I don’t think that’s natural, and it’s creeping me out.

10.11.11 at 3:46 pm

Keyser Sosa

B Randon,

I had a bad weekend and a worse Monday. Then, the WWE spewed out of both ends all over my TV. Then, your article happened and it put a small smile on my face. Finally, you hit your last line and dropped your best reference ever. I am going to dust off my SNES and Chrono Trigger cartridge tonight. For that, I thank you. Keep up the good work.

10.11.11 at 3:47 pm

fte88

What they’re doing with Mark Henry is infuriating me, is he a pussy all of a sudden? All the “bad guys” are pussies now, actually. Del Rio just runs away from every match on RAW now. I can’t take it. Let the exciting wrestlers be fucking exciting.

10.11.11 at 3:49 pm

AndyH3000

Johnny Ace really is Milhouse’s dad, right down to the being unbelievably uncool and probably eating Jiffy Pop right out of the tin in his underwear down at the bachelors’ motel.

10.11.11 at 3:55 pm

M4G3RK

I know last night was bad but, don’t forget…we still have The Muppets to look forward to everybody!!!

…for real though: In the continuing analogy of this being a metaphor of the #OccupyWallstreet movement.

If HHH is the COO of a Fortune 500 company…

Then Punk, Cena, & Sheamo(heh) are the dickheads who side with him and use the excuse of, “Well, I’m not having any problems so nothing needs to be changed.” selfish mentality.

Just because things are good for you doesn’t mean that they are or are going to be arbitrarily for someone else without effecting some sort of change. Also, once that change is effected doesn’t necessitate that you will have a harder time staying at your current awesome position.

So, CM Punk can try to say “Feces Dumdum.” to everyone on Twitter he wants that asks why his character is doing stupid shit on RAW since Summerslam but, last night was awful and WWE has devolved so quickly it really is amazing. I guess I am a “dumdum” for tuning in and missing all the good plays from Monday Night Football.

john cena gay

10.11.11 at 3:56 pm

paris.ridgway

rosa should be on tv more.

10.11.11 at 3:56 pm

CJ Bradford

The first segment honestly had *some* potential if the stuck with it. I would have loved to hear Punk on commentary. Sheamus/Cena could have been a great match. When one of them gets pinned, have someone from the rally come inside to take their place. Slowly, the entire roster is standing outside of the ring. It gets the roster back over, they could have furthered any number of fueds in ring, and there would have been actual wrestling. To abort it right after the commercial was insane. If they stick with one thing, even if it’s bad, would be so much better than always switching it. There is so much freaking potential here. What hurts the most is its soooooo close to being great.

10.11.11 at 3:57 pm

Dodger Dave

Beth Phoenix is still gay.

I defended last week’s episode. I said wait and see, we don’t need resolution that very night. And than I watch last night episode.

I can’t defend this anymore. I resign to only reading articles until Johnny Ace’s run ends, which I can only assume will be the next 4 weeks. I hope.

10.11.11 at 3:58 pm

Carson Palmer's Real Estate Agent

Brandon,

Another great column – I don’t watch RAW every week, but I make sure to catch your column even if I’m not always able to provide a decent comment. And while this week is likely not a decent comment, here goes:

I call Brodus Clay “Big, Fat Taz”, because he looks like the offspring that would result from a union between Taz (the wrestler) and an overweight female gorilla. *sigh* Why couldn’t Pete Senerchia have been six inches taller?

10.11.11 at 4:02 pm

BigSouthern

- That opening segment was really, really rough. I got a bit of enjoyment from John Cena, Scab because it made perfect sense. Sheamus coming out was confusing, but Punk’s appearance – and wearing that damn jacket – was just the shittiest thing ever. I wonder if Vince broke into the writer’s room and said, “I demand an opening that makes the protesters across the country look as weak as humanly possible.”

– I actually enjoy Mason Ryan. I don’t ever want to see him win, but he always seems so happy and eager. Like all he wants in life is to lift dudes up and drop them on the floor and the WWE is making his wish come true week in and week out. It’s hard not to get caught up in his enthusiasm.

– Also, Del Rio in the tag match was great, especially all the little things he did that negatively impacted Punk – the drop kick, that final tag out – and it was hilarious to see him slinking away with a hurt knee. But then, Triple H.

10.11.11 at 4:04 pm

Carson Palmer's Real Estate Agent

Oh, yeah, and thank you for continuing to do this column weekly. It’s definitely a highlight of my Tuesdays.

10.11.11 at 4:04 pm

Chris

Love me some AJ.

I’m guessing Punk turns on HHH and joins with Miz and Truth to beat the hell out of him. Punk is an undercover agent, dedicated to taking down everything McMahon.

10.11.11 at 4:09 pm

Infamous Eye Gouge

Let’s see…

Triple H getting cheered.

Vince is back.

Punk is backing the establishment.

Yup, I’m out.

/storms out of room

//no one cares

10.11.11 at 4:11 pm

Mike

Vince- “If this continues, There could be no house shows, no Wrestlemania, no Monday night raw, no Christmas…wait do we own Christmas? we own Christmas right? well why the hell dont we?… Ladies and Gentlemen I’m being told that we do not yet own Christmas, but there damn sure wont be any Thanksgiving”

10.11.11 at 4:12 pm

JBShakes

Brandon – not to get too detail-oriented here, but did you notice that since K2 went all “Ralphie” last week, suddenly Beth & Natalya are wearing frilly dresses and acting “girly” backstage? Did one little Scut Farkus incident completely shake their confidence?

My wife took one look at Beth & Natalya watching the monitor backstage after the Divas tag-team match and asked “is it a wrestling prom?”.

10.11.11 at 4:14 pm

LastTexansFan

Am I the only one who wants Brodus Clay to wear pants?

10.11.11 at 4:14 pm

Jacktion!

DEAREST BRANDON,

I greatly enjoyed your description of Mason Ryan using Men at Work lyrics.

I also think it was highly appropriate that the COO whose mantra is “Shut up and fight!” ended his reign as Raw GM with 45 minutes of talking.

How the hell were people cheering Triple H publicly announcing, “You people deserve to be entertained, so I will do whatever it takes to NOT let those wrestlers come in and entertain you!”

Has Eve’s finisher been named the WME yet?

10.11.11 at 4:16 pm

LastTexansFan

By the way, WWE just undid about 6 months of decent-to-great storylines with one horrible, horrible episode.

10.11.11 at 4:22 pm

LastTexansFan

Brandon sounds like a man on the edge, and I went back and read his review just before the Summer of Punk started and it was SO SAD YOU GUYS. He was so excited and happy that wrestling could become awesome again, but now it seems like he’s been broken.

And I for one don’t blame him. Summer of Punk got me hooked onto wrestling again, and I did all the things I could to let WWE know to keep doing what they were doing. I bought PPVs, I watched both shows, I bought CM Punk’s shirt and even WROTE INTO WWE to tell them not to f*ck this up. But now? I’m out. No more $55 PPVs, no more shirts. They’re lucky I don’t have two shows to record at once at 9 pm on Mondays, because this blew donkey dick.

10.11.11 at 4:25 pm

Matt

Brandon, as soon as I saw the HUGE GIANT GLARING MISTAKE in your report, I knew that this episode really really broke you. I fear for your sanity.

Immediately after comparing Laurinitis to Kirk Van Houten, you followed with the segment of Laurinitis firing Ross, and the headline was not “Its a door! Use it!”

I….

I don’t know what to say man. I’m fearful for your sanity.

Seek help, please.

10.11.11 at 4:25 pm

Stev

What’s baffling about Big Show joining Paul’s Pinkertons is that didn’t he previously join a Union in 1999 against the oppressive powers-that-be, which included Triple H? The same guy who later that year used nefarious means to take the WWF Championship from him just weeks after the remains of Show’s father were desecrated by a corrections officer?

10.11.11 at 4:28 pm

kingworks

You know there’s a Muppet Raw coming, right?

Swagger killing Bourne was definitely the “ZOMGdidyouseethat!?” moment of the night for me & the only thing I’ll remember beyond the amnesia/hypocrisy demonstrated for the entire rest of the show. Also, it’s nice to see Swagger come out on top for a change.

+1 for the Lester the Unlikely reference (loved that aggravating game – kinda like RAW, no?)

+1 for Ed Mc. ref

10.11.11 at 4:29 pm

Teeblerone

On Twitter, Punk was explaining his reason for not walking out for change is that you have to stay and fight for change. Walking out solves nothing (don’t tell that to the Unions). I bought his whole “to fight the machine, you have to be in the machine,” thing but then when he hugged the machine and put on his blazer I knew it was going to be a long night. Someone should tell Punk you can’t fight the machine when you let the machine treat you like their “Little Buddy”

10.11.11 at 4:32 pm

twerp

I guess it makes me some sort of asshole for not hating everything that happened last night?

I mean, I get why you don’t like Triple H, but I thought the opening segment wasn’t an abortion of television like you and so many others have suggested. Would I have liked for Punk, Cena, Trips, and Sheamus to continuously wrestle each other for 2 hours round robin style? Sure. Did I expect something that great to actually happen? Fuck and No. I was disappointed that they only let Cena and Sheamus wrestle for about 30 seconds before “No Chance” hit, but I kinda figured it was too good to be true anyway. It was like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As for the argument about how CM Punk and Trips are buddy-buddy now because Trips beat him up, well hasn’t this WHOLE ANGLE been about how SOMEONE ELSE was pulling the strings the entire time? I mean shouldn’t we expect someone savvy like Punk to figure out that Trips isn’t the real enemy and that fighting each other would be a waste of time and energy? It’s pretty evident that they are keeping HHH in the “guy you cheer for” role as well as Punk. Why not have them team up in some sort of “the enemy of my enemy” type scenario. Gotta justify these Survivor Series teams at some point right?

I would also like to point out that if “Here’s Comes the Money” would have hit instead of “No Chance” we’d all be singing a different tune today.

God I miss Shane-O-Mac….

10.11.11 at 4:32 pm

Big Meech

As soon a Vinnie Mac came out the whole story went way down hill. The WWE has this annoying tendency to rush every good storyline that they come up with, therefore making it super unemotionnal

10.11.11 at 4:34 pm

CJ Bradford

One MOAH thing. How sad was it that I was actually hoping Cena came out to save Punk? Cena/Punk was awesome, and to see them on the same side would have completely flipped the script. Have someone else go after the WWE strap for a while, and build on Tha Conspiracy vs U Cant CM Punk. God damnit there is so much potential there! Arrrrrggghhhh.

10.11.11 at 4:35 pm

LastTexansFan

Oh god…the Muppet Raw. I think you should do that B&W drunk Brandon.

10.11.11 at 4:38 pm

Greene

So yeah, Punk gets to say literally nothing on commentary, and then at the end of the show they book him to basically be John Cena. waht

10.11.11 at 4:40 pm

Slideshow Bob

can we get a flow chart of the power structure of the WWE? that would be awesome, and confusing.

10.11.11 at 4:42 pm

LastTexansFan

Oh and is THIS the big return that Vince flipped out on because Del Rio dared to say his name? If it was, lame dude.

10.11.11 at 4:45 pm

kyle

raw suckeddd

10.11.11 at 4:46 pm

Skooch

I watched Raw on PVR last night and now I wished I’d have just waited for this column.

10.11.11 at 4:54 pm

LastTexansFan

John Cena Raw gay.

10.11.11 at 4:55 pm

LastTexansFan

Fail. Let’s try that again.

J̶o̶h̶n̶ ̶C̶e̶n̶a̶ ̶Raw gay.

10.11.11 at 4:55 pm

CJ Bradford

@LastTexansFan but how much more awesomer would it had been if ADR didnt say anything!!!!!!

10.11.11 at 4:57 pm

Jtpearl

Sorry but I kind of liked the opening. Once Vince came out it got bad quickly but up until that point I thought it was at least entertaining.

10.11.11 at 5:00 pm

LastTexansFan

@CJ Bradford: Geez I know! It would have been all “WHOAA” and then all “YAY!!” and then all “LOL WUT” and then all “Fuck this.”

10.11.11 at 5:07 pm

Jeremy

I know it’s going to be a bad show when I can predict everything 15 minutes before it happens. I actually some what liked the beginning and thought Cena was compotent. Once McMahon came out the only thing that could have changed this show was if the fans actually walked out of the arena. They did not have to leave, just go out to the concourse and watch. I think that is the only way WWE will get the hint. They probably would not care because they still pocket all the money. I am almost done with Raw until something happens that is interesting.

10.11.11 at 5:07 pm

Jade

Note to self: Get B’s address so you can send him a sympathy card.

Seriously, my friend, I’m sorry you had to suffer through that; just reading your description of everything that happened made my brain bleed (not for the quality of the description, for the lack of quality in the show).

The biggest problem I’ve always had with wrestling to a degree (but never moreso than now) is that no one seems to be able to do a long-term, well-thought-out storyline. They throw a bunch of stuff on the proverbial wall and then try to make something out of anything that sticks, even if it’s for a nanosecond. That might work on occasion if there was somebody talented enough to take the stuff-on-the-wall and run with it, but apparently, there isn’t anyone that capable on the WWE staff. Honestly, would it have killed someone to make a proper chain-of-command chart and job description list, then work with that to make the storyline? You can still have all the power-grabbing, power-abusing and backstabbing behind-the-scenes stuff you want, but at least it’ll have one foot firmly on the ground of logic. As is, it’s just stupidity upon stupidity, and I can’t even begin to sit through that–and I’m really sorry that you had to just so I could be entertained.

10.11.11 at 5:08 pm

uconngary7

Since I had a glimpse at your thoughts during the show via your twitter last night, I knew this was going to be an especially ugly B/W of Raw, and rightfully so.

I hope that Sheamus fake quote you used was a reference to BASEketball and not something that BASEketball was referencing that I missed in the first place.

I hope all this is a part of something more awesome that will be revealed in the near future, but this was not a good effort.

Kevin Nash is still a thing we have to look out for though, right? Ugh, sorry Dan Savage, it doesn’t get better.

10.11.11 at 5:11 pm

Panther Joe

@Brandon

I was thinking the same thing about Punk scrapping his entire persona on this episode, but I think he’s slowly resigned to the fact that he can be a posterized rebel while still getting paid the big bucks. Meanwhile, he’s opened up to the fans adoring love and drifted over to the side of the faces.

10.11.11 at 5:23 pm

kerry

The review was awsome as usual. The show was “minus 5 stars”

10.11.11 at 5:28 pm

TinkyTime

Whatevs

10.11.11 at 5:30 pm

Dramz

Chrono Trigger reference, absolutely loved it. This Raw was so bad,it actually started to entertain in a way, sort of like a two hour long NASCAR wreck. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, here comes yet another car flying into the fiery pile. When the only defense anyone can come up with to defend this show is “this is only wrestling, you can’t expect it to be entertaining to you, enjoy the drivel your given”, you know something is going bad.

10.11.11 at 5:55 pm

Dusty's Muffler

Great writeup, Brandon. Sounds like the show was a trainwreck (I think said the same thing a couple of weeks ago in the comments…this is becoming a trend). I haven’t watched it on DVR yet but I suppose I’m going to, just to see if it’s as bad as everyone made it out to be.

Good ol’ JR was just yet another victim of WWE Hometown Booking.

10.11.11 at 5:59 pm

AudeSapere

Thoughts about that first-page picture:

1. Is that supposed to be the out-walkers’ “rally”? It looks like some collegiate tiki-themed backyard beer bash, red cups and all.

2. Speaking of, I like Justin Gabriel but christ on a crutch does he look like the biggest frat-boy tool there. I wonder if he’s any good at “flip” cup. (do you get it)

5. To whom is Ezekiel Jackson speaking, and what is he discussing so intently? (My suggestion: German Enlightenment philosophy, with Moppy.)

10.11.11 at 5:59 pm

Jared

Things I Don’t Understand:

I don’t understand why they kept putting the Anonymous Raw GM Podium out most weeks if they were just going to pretend it never happened.

I don’t understand if they’re going to pretend it never happened, why John Cena is mentioning it.

I don’t understand why HHH was being treated like he was the Raw GM as well as the COO, and that he seemed to get striped solely of his Raw GM status last night.

I don’t understand the why you’d bury 95% of your workforce to put over 1 guy that was already over.

I don’t understand why you’d put John Laurinaitis on television in any capacity. Nobody seems to want him there, and that includes himself. Are try trying to create a new super-strain of X-Pac heat?

I don’t understand how putting all the Smackdown superstars on RAW helps Smackdown. It just means I don’t have to watch Smackdown to see those superstars and any story developments will happen on RAW, or at least be replayed.

I don’t understand how firing JR for doing what everyone else did, but doing it last, makes any sense, especially when it’s the same thing John Laurinaitis did on the same night. Unless HHH is ultimately behind John Laurinaitis and has be sabotaging himself in his quest to become not just COO, but the new Higher Power as well.

I don’t understand why the same four guys complaining about unsafe working conditions beat down John Morrison after the match.

I don’t understand why logical consistency isn’t a priority. We all fantasy book at times, and I’m sure writing stories around all the shifting politics and injuries must be an almost Sisyphean task, but just “making sense” needs to be Job #2, right after “being entertaining.”

I don’t understand just about anything that’s happening in WWE today.

10.11.11 at 6:01 pm

M4G3RK

@B-Stro:

Among all the bitching about last night’s show I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank you for the funny, well thought out, and insightful column this and every week.

Also worst, no Zack Ryder.

10.11.11 at 6:05 pm

Evan

Wow, I don’t even know what to say after watching it. It was so bad. I have no idea why CM Punk was so happy to be able to wear Triple H’s blazer. The entire show was just a disaster.

10.11.11 at 6:05 pm

twerp

@Dusty’s Muffler

I didn’t think it was that great, but it wasn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

10.11.11 at 6:06 pm

Doctor Worm

I asked Mason Ryan if he speaks English.

He just smiled and handed me a sandwich made of horrible salty yeast spread.

So I guess no, he doesn’t speak English.

10.11.11 at 6:19 pm

Rowdy Brute Cadbury

Dennis

Just an all-around terrible show. I could have done a better show with my action figures.

Thanks, Dennis… got more entertainment out of your comment than that depressing husk of what’s left of RAW creativity.

Thanks for your column, Brandon. Looking back at some old RAW broadcasts lately reminded me that the writing is rarely good… for instance 1997, the show leading up to the Montreal Screwjob. I was shocked at the race-baiting theme, stunned at the Rock playing the part of an angry “black” member of Division Whatever.

Have always looked at pro wrestling as a dumbshit, violent soap opera… instead of who’s banging who, it’s who’s beating up who. One would hope they have an entertaining, out of control, chaotic, unsafe workplace (all the things that make me tune in) storyline mapped out, but who knows? Maybe, like Teddy Long, with the minimum amount of thought, they simply need to get some guys in the ring… and “guys in the ring” didn’t happen nearly enough last night… reminded me of all the blabbering on TNA.

This last episode of RAW was massively not entertaining; it makes me sad because of the potential. This is the gold standard? Bring on the action figures!

10.11.11 at 6:20 pm

twerp

@ Evan

Because when CM Punk was injured a while back he was doing a lot of commentary. He always made it a point to wear a jacket while doing so because that was his “announcing jacket”. Even when he came out to do commentary a few weeks ago before HIAC he wore one. The joke is that in order for him to do commentary, he needs his announcing jacket. When HHH asked him to do commentary last night, he asked to wear the jacket because it’s part of his schtick.

…the more you know!

10.11.11 at 6:30 pm

Malorie

The only real way I can describe my feelings about RAW last night were meh. I didn’t really give a shit about anything that happened and that’s a first in a long time. I might not care about certain matches but there’s at least one thing that happens that catches my attention.

It was a big bag of suck on every level and I got more enjoyment out of the wwe.com video of Sheamus flooring Jindar only to have people throw food at his as he continued into the arena then anything else that happened.

Hopefully there’s good wrestling on NXT and I can just pretend this RAW never happened.

As far as the female wrestling goes, I don’t understand how they expect Rosa to string a match together when she wrestles so infrequently. I don’t even think she’s been wrestling on the house show tours so how in the hell is she supposed to do anything but look terrible on the live show.

10.11.11 at 6:43 pm

Nick

a ChronoTrigger reference and a Men at Work reference, love it.

10.11.11 at 6:57 pm

Razorcakes

Brandon, how do you reconcile the apparent horribleness of this RAW (which I agree with you about, but for different reasons) with the crowd apparently eating it up? I was flinching a little during Cena’s little speech during the intro but I think its conclusion earned him the biggest pop I’ve ever heard him get. Crowd really seemed to enjoy the show.

10.11.11 at 7:03 pm

85

I’m pretty surprised you let H’s “We’re gonna do what we do best: Shut up and wrestle!” line go, unless it got buried in the avalanche of shit you had to write about. I was honestly waiting him to follow up that line with a wink and a good-natured elbow to Punk’s ribs.

I said this last night, but I felt the same way about Triple H after that show, especially the opening segment, as I do when I watch Andy Reid do Andy Reid things. Here’s this thing I really like and invest way too much of my time in, but there’s this guy who has to call attention to his genius, whether by comparing people I enjoy to broomsticks or calling halfback options on goalline dive plays. He walks into a really good situation, with talented guys in position to do good things, and burns it all to the ground. The guys who should be pissed at him aren’t, and at this point, “firing” him does no good because nothing makes sense, and it’s going to take forever to turn this around, so I’m looking at my TV going “What the hell HAPPENED here?” while Mike Vick puts on a blazer and the old offensive line coach just fired Jim Ross.

Seriously Vince, if you come out next week and just say “lol jk about that” I’ll pretend this never happened.

10.11.11 at 7:17 pm

Sean

They should make a series of HHH: Union Buster. Maybe on their new network

10.11.11 at 7:19 pm

stone cold jane austin

That opening segment was truly abysmal but I got a small pang of excitement when Punk got in the commentary booth and was a bit miffed when he was quickly removed from it.

Maybe they could give him an occasional guest spot to replace JR and he could keep jaded smarks amused with obscure pop culture references:

Raw was very bad, and the one match that would’ve helped to save it, ADR vs. Punk was cut off halfway through. How does this make sense? Just awful.

And can someone please teach all of the Divas how to hit the ropes? Christ, they may as well skip into the ropes and then do the girlie slap move from N64’s Wrestlemania 2000.

10.11.11 at 7:25 pm

Dirty Dilfer

It’s bad when those watching WWE have a hard time concentrating on the STORYLINE when they are trying to answer all of the questions you described that came from the first 40 minutes of last night’s RAW. It’s a basic rule to any writer; too many unanswered questions make a story not believable or hard to follow. So, how does WWE expect people to follow this even IF they did hit the reset button and fans are supposed to go along with it? That doesn’t mean things will magically make sense and the hierarchy of the biz is irrelevant! Especially since fans have been fed so much about the inner workings of the WWE so much in the past 3-4 months.

Anymore, I just keep wondering about the Anonymous GM (which I guess has been officially usurped by Johnny Ace now) and where that was ultimately supposed to go. It doesn’t seem its current position was the intended purpose.

Great to see that the camera guys and techs that walked out last week and were supposed to be in the parking lot when the show started were apparently there for the HHH/Cena/Sheamus/CM Punk party.

Also, when Kirk Van Laurinaitis was on the phone, I like to imagine he was talking to that floozie Starla.

Keep up the good work, Brandon, and keep your head up. You know it has to get better!

(says a “wait and see” wrestling fan)

10.11.11 at 7:42 pm

SGMirsk

Great stuff Brandon. If this wasn’t the worst raw in your opinion then what was? Hard for me to think of much worse especially in the last couple years.

@Dirty Difer
Do they still have the laptop set up? I know they have in the past but I can’t recall if they did last night. I no longer see the point of the laptop unless they plan to use it at some point in the future and that just makes me sad.

**POLITICAL RANT ALERT**
I really, really enjoy pro-wrestling. I always have, and always will. And not in a, “this is my dumb guilty pleasure,” sort of way because it’s way past that. I still rewatch Ryo Saito v. Milano Collection AT the way people re-read Ender’s Game (i.e.once a year or never at all).
But this stuff is insulting and damaging. I get that there are politics involved with everything you enjoy, and if someone were to say ‘if you don’t like what’s being said, you have the right to not watch the program’, I’d understand and accept that. That’s also exactly what I’m gonna do.
Whoever decided that we should insult unionization and protest is tacitly condoning class warfare to millions of impressionable, young/stupid people. It’s irresponsible and sad, and now that it’s boring and milquetoast as well, I can’t justify the time this program takes up in my week.
(alright, now someone put in a .gif of Britta Perry saying something lame, and the study group all groaning in unison so we can share a laugh and go back to making catty comments)
**END POLITICAL RANT**

All that said, I would absolutely read a weekly Best-and-Worst of Crono Trigger. Weekly!

I’m getting really sick and tired of this “just follow the narrative” that is being preached out there on the internets. The narrative sucks. It’s flawed. As you said Brandon, how are we supposed to believe that they fought against this social injustice of an unsafe environment when it’s the same as it’s always been. Maybe worse. And none of it makes sense at all. This narrative is the Paul Blart: Zookeeper of wrestling. It stinks.

1.) Luchadores in suits/masks are always hilarious.
2.) Are you shitting me? Morrison has a DVD? I hope it has a ton of his OVW stuff because a lot of it was pretty great.
3.) I wouldn’t tweet so much during RAW, personally. Like, when I was reading your tweets I could see what ones were going to be jokes in the article. And since you have >1K followers, that’s literally over a thousand hits/comments you could be losing out on by throwing out your best stuff on Twitter.
4.) If things on RAW are a worst to you, keep on saying they’re the worst. You give reasons to back up your opinion, so whatever. Don’t change this.
5.) Literally took me 4 hours to read the article and write this. Thanks alcohol and television.
6.) Alright this was pretty short for taking so long to read and type up, Whatever I’m not on your payroll, sucka.

True story: I was watching Monday Night Football and the game was really shitty, I looked at the clock, it was 9:04, so I clicked over to Raw: “Time to play the game…” I quickly clicked back to the shitty football game. 20 minutes later during a commercial break I clicked back over to Raw, Haich was still in the ring talking. “Oh for Christ’s sake!” I clicked back to commercials. 20 or so minutes later it was halftime and Berman was doing his usual insufferable spiel. I figured nothing can possibly be worse than this so I clicked over to Raw. Divas match. I clicked back over to the halftime show and punched a wall.

After watching the show, I agree with twerp. It wasn’t nearly as bad as you’d think it was after reading the B&W column. It wasn’t great, and it certainly had its share of bad moments/botches/etc., but nearly every episode of Raw has a few of those. Overall I thought it was about as entertaining as any other Raw. I thought the first 20-30 minutes of the show were great. It was so ridiculous that it turned out to be pretty enjoyable. I only wish Sheamus/Cena with Punk on commentary could have gone on for another 5-10 minutes.

The worst part of the entire show was probably Cole after JR got “fired”. It’s not just that his heel antics were more over the top than usual, it’s that what he was saying wasn’t funny or clever and felt forced – like he was REALLY TRYING HARD to be a heel. Michael Cole either doesn’t know how, or chooses not to be a subtle heel commentator. Subtlety is not in his vocabulary.

As for the logic or lack thereof, which seems to be a major issue for some people, who cares? It’s wrasslin’. Also, was that crowd DEAD for the Punk/Del Rio match or what?

I love stupid shit. I love Godzilla Movies. I love the WWE. I love comic books. In high school, I spent every evening watching Dragonball Z. I almost always go to see new horror movies on opening night.

I love stupid shit. I despise stuff that is stupid for the sake of being stupid. I could never stand Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I never got watching “so-bad-its-good” stuff. I don’t want to see _bad_ stupid shit. People like @Joe are dead wrong when they say that wrestling is just dumb and deal with it.

Something having a ludicrous or childish premise does not excuse it from needing the qualities that objectively make something good writing. Sure, there’s all the opinions and subjectivity hogwash, but any good story has a solid structure. There are characters defined by their actions and how they go about their wants.

I read ComicsAlliance more than I read actual comics, because most actual comics are shit. If you have any questions about how to do Stupid Shit right, go read the ComicsAlliance reviews of Batman (Cinematic Batmantology). Read the review for “Batman Returns” or “Batman Forever,” then go and read the reviews for “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight.”

With the exception of Cody Rhodes being awesome (“Mwhaahah…hahahaha…HHAHA”), last night’s RAW was terrible. I enjoyed the “You vs You and you On the Commentary!” bit by HHH. Why? Because that was good writing.

Triple H is supposed to be smart. Here’s his thought process: “Sheamus is a bruiser that loves to fight, doesn’t matter who. John Cena loves to put on a show for WWE. These two have an actual history involving , so even as faces, there’s some good competition. And, what about Punk? That guy never shuts up. I know! I’ll mention that the announce table has all the microphones, all the PIPE BOMBs, he could ever want!”

Character Wants, Obstacles, Action= Resolution.

Then, it all went to shit as soon as people started talking DURING the match, as soon as people locked up and we cut to commercial (twice!).

– “He’s history’s greatest monster.”
– “Oy love ya, always ave.” This is the exact quote I think of whenever I hear Sheamus talk.
– My explanation for C.M. Punk 1) He wants a mic and will do anything to get it; 2) The jacket thing. My theory is that it was unplanned and Punk just did it to mess with HHH. HHH couldn’t not give it to him or else risk looking like a jerk and possibly get booed for something so trivial. Punk was happy because he got a little rib in.
– Guest GM > Interim GM > COO > GM > Majority Whip > Tiffany > Teddy Long
– I’m so happy that Ziggler has returned to being awesome after that brief hiccup earlier with the haircut.
– Give Cody Rhodes minions immediately. Have him call Drew McIntyre minion and send him on missions.
– Big Show has always looked weird in street clothes to me but that was an exceptionally dumb outfit.

Just an awful execution of basic storytelling. For those of you saying that we should lighten up and not expect anything more because wrestling is the lowest common denominator I would ask when then are we allowed to complain? Are we not? If someone takes our favorite thing and makes it terrible are we not allowed to want things to be good again?

Keep up the good work Brandon. Hoping for change and not really expecting much is better than giving up hope.

Thanks for writing about everything that made my brain hurt on Monday.

One other thing that’s bothered me for weeks: repeating “I’m not a good guy, but I’m doing good guy things *this* time!” for three months doesn’t make someone a bad guy. I’m hoping that this is purposeful – Punk just building his Cult of Personality to make another ultimate “fuck you” move – but walking away from the tag match so Miz and R Truth can beat down HHH while Punk eats an ice cream bar with his name on it seems too predictable. I’m hoping this leads to something besides a future HHH/Sheamus/Cena/Punk vs OMG BADDIES at Survivor Series.

I think quite a few of the “Guest GM/People with products to shill” episodes of Raw were far more unwatchable than this week’s episode. If you think this past Monday was the worst thing you’ve ever seen, I would say you probably have a short memory.

The best part of Mason Ryan occurs at the end of that match when he Catatonics Ziggler and gets the pin. Kofi immediately goes to check on Bourne in the background because Bourne got the f*ck powerbombed out of him, but Mason Ryan shoot does not care about his partners. He goes in the corner and raises his arms in celebration, “WOOOO YEAH I AM MASON RYAN AND I AM HERE AND I HAVE WON!” It’s hilarious to see Kingston all concerned because Bourne is writhing in serious pain while Ryan is rehearsing his “I’m goin’ ta Disneyland!” speech on the turnbuckle.

I’m gonna reference ‘LastTexansFan’ somewhere in the middle of all these comments after mentioning going back and reading older B&Ws to get some perspective. Cosign on that “SO SO SAD”. For some reason, Macho Man died, and wrestling suddenly became fun once Punk started doing an elbow drop from the top, Truth had a fear of spiders, and Ziggler sold so much his hair turned blonde again.

And then somewhere, someone said, “oh wait, you can have NONE OF THIS”, and we were then fed a robot for GM (this time, something that walks), Triple H, and a lack of common sense. Oh, and Kevin Nash.

Though at least Zack Ryder got on tele— oh wait.

Also, minor worst – did MAH BOI D-BRYAN stop carrying around the Money in the Bank briefcase? I thought that was a standard rule for the winner to carry it around AT ALL TIMES. I have that bad feeling they are just going to retcon it onto someone (i’ll be optimistic and say, Cody Rhodes) and Michael Cole will just start yelling “Cody Rhodes! He won the Smackdown Money in the Bank ladder match! Remember King? IT HAPPENED, TRENDING TOPIC” and that’ll be that.

I’m a little late to the article since I’m too embarrassed to watch wrestling when my girlfriend is around. And then this episode reminds me why that is the case. From the shitty anti-labor class warfare in the opener, to the beatdown of Morrison (of whom I seem to be the only fan in these parts), to the half-hearted matches, to Kelly Kelly’s NOW I’M SCREAMING SO I’M INTENSE trainwreck (though most of it was Rosa’s fault), this was the least enjoyable WWE program since I started watching again after Money in the Bank. And this one didn’t even have Kevin Nash…

Johnny Ace is the WWE Doctor Doom. At least, that;s what they want us to think. More a misbegotten Doombot written by people who don’t like Doom.

1. He’s been behind everything since HHH took over for Vince. He has, at every turn, tried to undermine HHH’s power and authority to the point that the crowd hates him almost as much as Vickie Guerrero.

2. He’s effectively neutered Punk. In storyline terms, Punk DID get Vince fired and replaced by HHH. “The Voice of the Voiceless” is nothing more than a self-serving glory hound who came out and sucked up to the boss because if he wasn’t the one leading the charge, then he wasn’t going over the rails.

3. He used the babyfaces’ own stupid morality against them. By organizing the heels who then sowed the seeds and ideas through the rest of the people who left. You have faces siding with Mark Henry, who is breaking guys’ legs and talking about “inducting people into the Hall of Pain”. He’s the most unsafe guy this side of Orton! Not to mention Ricardo Rodriguez is the professional ref attacker, and they walked away arm in arm with him because they’re scared little geeks. And now John Morrison gets to be beat up because he’s an idiot who listens to heels complaining that they’re not getting their way.

4. He’s hopped right to abusing his power, just lacking a mad cackle and a dramatic flash of lightning to accompany it. Pretty much explains the JR “firing” beyond Okrahoma.

5. Sure, he hired back the two guys everyone was “afraid of”… but the heels weren’t. The heels wanted the Babyface HHH out of the position of power (which he still should have, durr hurr plot hole) and made impassioned pleas to get the idiot faces on their side.

Now all we need is Nash suddenly returning with new video evidence proving that Laurinaitis sent the text and we’ll really hit the FSQ (Fucking Stupid Quotient).

(Beth’s whole “WE’RE GIRLS AND WE’RE SCARED” thing may be the most blatant act of undermining this side Jim Duggan against Alex Wright as Berlyn.)

OMG page 2 already made every point I had about how fucked-up and just plain badly-planned this entire angle is. I have to agree how CM Punk “did kinda start this whole thing” but he certainly didn’t help carry it far enough.

Anyway, your most powerful and legitimate point made was also the most maddening, hair-pulling, “WTF is WWE trying to pull by insulting our intelligence like this?” one about the power structure. Seriously, you don’t have to be a high school graduate to understand that COO > President of Talent Relations > Executive VP of Talent Relations > Raw GM.

By the by, WHO IS the President of Talent Relations? Don’t they have a dog in this fight?

Don’t sugar-coat this. This was indeed the WORST episode of Raw ever…even worse than when HHH and Shawn Michaels were transported to the great midget kingdom under the ring. Seriously.

“I actually almost forgot to write about this this week because there’s just so much awful happening. Jim Ross getting the OKC FU almost slipped my mind, because it (and a brand new WWE film) weren’t bad enough to register. That’s a dangerous sign. This should be pissing me off, and it isn’t. I think you broke me.”

THIS…to the f’ing letter!
Exactly why I didn’t bother writing an article about this week.