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funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

A not-so-subtle clue that your coworker isn’t interested in cubicle small talk

Writes our submitter in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: “A woman in my office was recently relocated to a new cubicle, apparently against her will. I don’t really know her, but I guess now I know not what not to use as an ice breaker!”

I tell you what: we got a new fish tank in my office, and someone bungled the setup, so no matter what we do, the water keeps getting cloudy.

The tank is right beside my desk, in plain sight as soon as you walk through the door, so at least ten times a day, someone walks in and says “Whoa, you need to clean your fishtank!” As if there is any possibility at all that I haven’t noticed this myself.

And so I have become the kind of person who imagines workplace violence.

A local restaurant had a fishtank in the waiting area – there was a fish in it that was just huge. They had a sign on the tank, something about “Yes, I’m big! No, I’m not too big for my tank! Yes, my owner is sure!” etc to stop people from hassling the hostess about it for the zillionth time that day.

If it’s white cloudy:
Get a product called “Stability” by Seachem and use it according to the directions. It will make a huge difference.

If it’s green cloudy:
Get a product called “Algone” and add it to the filter according to the directions. It might take a few days to see results with Algone, but continued use will be a great deterrent. If you want faster results, get “Algaecontrol” by Tetra and use it in conjunction with the Algone.

– former aquatic biologist, & had done aquarium maintenance for a job for years (before arthritis grounded me from the heavy lifting, sigh). If you have any questions, the website link goes to my current company, and you can use the webform on there. Good luck.

A not so subtle message: If you’re going to open your mouth, at least TRY to be interesting. As someone who hates inane small talk, I totally agree with her message. It’ll put those chatty narcissists in their place.

I don’t think it’s a complaint. It sounds like they’ve probably just heard it a million times already.

Picture the scene. A serene, peaceful office setting. As the sun rises over the cube farm, a recently-relocated worker attempts to settle into their new home.

Queue the endless stream of well-wishers who stop by to inquire about the new lodgings.
“Is it quieter over here?”
“Why’d you move?”
“Oh, do you sit here now?”
“Huh. Guess you’re further away from the copier now.”
And the ever-popular office cheering-up method:
“Well, you’re closer to the bathroom now!”

18.6 may i just add: people who hit “OMFG these people are too stupid to manage swallowing without drowning! ARRRGH!” and need to escape to the relative quiet and alone-space of the restroom stall. Just for a few minutes or a few games of Droid Angry Birds. Breathe. Breathe.

LOL reminds me of when my daughter was born, I was sooo tempted to stick a sign to her pram saying
*my baby is ___ days/weeks old
*her name is Emily
*she was born at X hospital
*yes, I had a natural delivery
*she weighed 7&’10 and is gaining well
*breastfeeding
*sleeping as well as newborns do
*yes, thankyou, I know she’s adorable

Can definitely understand this person’s motives but yeah, kind of bitchy to actually do it.

Team note-writer! I sympathize, having suffered an incomprehensible cubicle move in the past. They moved me from the 3rd down, 2nd in cubicle to 4th down, 1st in. I was truly puzzled. What I really loved is that they ran out of cubicle walls or something and thus left out the wall that was on the hallway. All that day, as I unpacked and filed everything, people kept coming by and asking me why I was moved and what’s wrong with this missing wall. Gah! In the end, I moved the under-desk file cabinets to the space where the wall should have been and got a very large plant. Insta-wall. Cubicle life was tolerable again.

The receptionist at my work is a good friend of mine. People constantly walk by her desk and say “Wake up!” which irritates her to no end (she’s always working when they say this–or at least appearing to work). I’m thinking of making her a sign now.

Yeah, nobody’s trying to make small talk, because those aren’t really small talk questions. Those are “I want to be ‘in the know’ about what happens in this office, so I have something to gossip about” questions. I can just see everyone around the water cooler now:

“Hey did you hear about Sandra’s move?”
“Yeah, she’s moved so much further from the copier, now.”
“I wonder if it’s quieter?”
“Don’t ask her. She doesn’t want to talk about the move.”
“What a bitch! She’ s so much closer to the bathroom!”

I think this is a desperate attention plea. oh look at me I am such a bitch to you. Please look at me. I am sure nobody is remotely interested in interacting with her anyway. The fact that she posted this note all to see proves that she does not hesitate in throwing bitchfit without slightest provocation in person interaction. I for one sure do not make a small talk with such persons, note or no note. Actually I’d minimize the personal interaction. The emails are great for this.
That is why she has to resort to creating the problems so that she can portray herself as the only hard working martyr worker and others as stupid slackers.
Everybody knows that if you have to team work with NW she would make sure that your inbox is bombarded with every detail, however slightly related, but the ones you actually need. So you go and ask for that and she has one more stupid coworker whose job she has to explain to them. See how miserable her life is? Damn! she has to deal with stupid coworkers who would not leave her alone!

I sit by the treats/donuts table. Do you know how many times I get asked these questions? “Who brought the treats?” “What kind of brownies are these?” “What’s the occassion?” “Are there any more?” “Who brought the treats?” “Who brought the treats?” “Who brought the treats?”

From an experienced small-talker, I know which topics to avoid trodding on. If you need to make small talk, do so in a nice way. Mention how nice someone’s hair looks that day, or how the new cubicle spacing put a light where it really brings out their eyes. Mention that it looks like they got a nice computer out of it, or some little thing that won’t irritate.

This looks like a corner cubicle. As a former dweller of same, I can testify that people loved to gather there and talk endlessly. Not TO me, just…there. I tried complaining to management, but managers were some of the most egregious offenders. I tried putting up a sign that said “Quiet Please” because I had to be on the phone a lot, but was told to take it down. I envy an office where you can head chitchat off at the pass in this manner.

Having been moved several times at a previous job, I wish I had thought to make a sign like this. Especially when I was moved into the file room (just stick a desk in there!), where everyone had to go many times throughout the day. It’s not only super annoying to answer these questions repeatedly, but it really does take a chunk of your time, not to mention breaking your concentration.
Now I work at a school. The A/C goes out a lot (we’re in Florida). How many times a day can I answer each student and teacher who says, “It sure is hot, isn’t it?” I just want a t-shirt that says, “Yes, I’m just as hot as you are.” Oh wait, that might be inappropriate…

“Sally, John and Jane’s oldest daughter.
17 years old.
Junior year.
Yes, I’ve started thinking about college.
No, I don’t know what I want to study
Yes, I’m aware that I’ve grown since you last saw me”

I can sympathize with her. Owning an interesting dog means you get the same questions and “jokes” over and over again.

“Yes, she is a Great Dane. I know she’s very big. She weighs 150 lbs. They don’t actually eat that much for their size because they are too lazy to burn much energy, but it is still quite a lot of food. She does take up the whole couch or bed. She does think she’s a person. I know her poop is the size of your Chihuahua” (not that she does that in public). ”

And for the love of GOD, do NOT ask if she’s a pony or whether you can put a saddle on her. There’s a point at which it is somewhat funny, and then you just want to slap everyone. Hard.

These questions are really only okay from children, but with kids you’re too busy trying to tell them she’s too lazy to do anything but accept their love.

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"The thing that drives me bonkers at work is to open up the trash can drawer and see a cup half-full of water that was carefully placed into the trash can so it doesn't spill--in a trash can an arm's length away from the kitchen sink!

99% of the people in my office are college graduates, probably toward the top of their class. But some without enough common sense to pour the water in the sink before putting the cup into the trash can.