Tuesday, 17 September 2013

3 Things Which You DON'T Want To Hear

Swindon: It's hell on earth.

It's three weeks since you entered the phone-in competition on your local radio station, and although you desperately wanted to win the first prize - a brand new Ford Mondeo with all of the options - the polite girl from the publicity office tells you that you've missed out on the car of your dreams, but have instead won second prize.

You excitedly jump up and down, slightly downhearted, but happy in the knowledge that this is the first time in your life when you have actually won something.

And what is the second prize?

A ROMANTIC WEEKEND FOR TWO PEOPLE IN SWINDON.

You ask the girl if she said SWEDEN, but no - she definitely said SWINDON.

You slam down the receiver and want to cry. And you have every reason to feel like this, because forty-eight hours spent in Swindon, you know, will probably be the death of you.

Some places in England are bad, but here it is REALLY bad.

Dangerous council estates, dodgy nightclubs, ugly girls, foul-mouthed boys, violent pubs and a crap football team is Swindon in a nutshell. And then there's the Magic Roundabout - see above photo - with it's numerous mini roundabouts all joined together to form one huge roundabout. Negotiating this requires nerves of steel, and death by flogging would be too good for the evil-minded bastard who invented it.

This, you say to yourself, is the last time you enter a competition.

"I think you should have gone south," says your other half, as she realises that she's told you to go the wrong way on the motorway. You smile and laugh, telling her that you'll do a u-turn a little further up the road, and you'll be back on the road to Brighton in no time.

It sounds an easy solution to a minor problem, but sadly, and as you soon discover, the buffoons who dreamt up this particular stretch of motorway made sure that the earliest opportunity to do a u-turn is a hundred miles further up the motorway.

You feel ill as you are forced to head further away from Brighton, because after making another series of wrong turns, in the vain hope of getting on the right road, you find yourself heading towards Bradford.

Your wife laughs, and as she chews on a toffee, she jokingly says that she's never been to Bradford before.

You look at the love of your life and want to kill her, because you know that Bradford has all the charms of a mining town in deepest Siberia.

﻿

There you both are - your wife and you - enjoying a wonderful time in the countryside. The sun is beating down, the white wine is perfectly chilled and the picnic table is set up.
Out come the wine glasses, the napkins and the cutlery. Then come the plates, and as your wife reaches into the cool-bag, she pulls out some sandwiches.
You look up to the blue sky, and taking a sip of your Chardonnay, you look forward to dining on your bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches.
"They didn't have any bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches," she then announces, as she hands you an egg and cress sandwich.
Suddenly, your appetite has abandoned you.
You have been dreaming of this moment all week, and you rightly believe that wanting to picnic on bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches is hardly asking for a lot in life, is it?
But no! Marks and Bloody Spencer have buggered up your picnic.
You look at your wife and sniff. Bloody egg and cress!

Of course, there are other things in life which you'll never want to hear, but I haven't got all day to write bloody lists!

Luke Ryman is an indie author, and is the creator of Cooper & Joy - two of the oldest teenagers in town.