Why do gay men put up with so much mediocre sex?

As gay men some of us have lots of sex. And in many places. At least if we want to: we can pick up a guy on the way to work on the train, have sex with guys during our lunch break, at the gym showers in the afternoon and afterwards we can have a threesome with the hot couple from Grindr. Sex is what we are, our favourite hobby and plenty of sex is what we have.

I’m one of these guys who used to have lots of sex. I live in London, so it is easy for me to find the next hook up. From bars, clubs to parks, to apps and fuckbuddies. Last year, my average guy count was somewhere between 10 and 20 guys a week. Many regulars, many not. And I know quite a few guys who easily surpass that number. If this sounds like playing the elysian fields to my straight colleagues, it probably is.

You’d think that all this practice would make “us”, the constantly horny, contantly looking gay guys really good at sex. Yet, time after time, when I just had another Grindr date, changing-room blow job or wank in the park, I remain disappointed. True, I had two or three amazing sessions on the Heath [ed: gay cruising area]. One or two Grindr dates where I felt so satisfied and fulfilled afterwards that I skipped checking out the park on the way home. And I remember the time I had pornable sex in the toilets close to work.

I ask myself, is why are there so few times that I remember? I have cum in the toilets at work thousands of times. Mostly down the drain. I fucked an uncountable number of guys in the park. And I dare not put a number on the number of Grindr dates I had. And off all those times taken together, I remember not much more than a handful. Why? Because the thousands of other times were unremarkable at best, and downright bad most of the times. But the lure of the good ones kept me coming back for more. Hoping, like an addict, that the next guy would be one of the few times I had sex to remember. But in almost all cases, I ended up with just another bad or mediocre episode soon to be forgotten.

I ask myself why aren’t we better at it? With all our experience, shouldn’t we be monumentally good at sex anywhere, anytime? Instead, why do we put up with a quick wank at the urinal, a uninspired suck in the bushes and a lacklustre fuck to round the day off?

Many sexperts will say it is because anonymous and quick sex is simply hollow. And I give them right. But that is hardly a revelation, we all know it. My question remains: why don’t we invest more into learning and improving the sex we have?

I’m ready to admit, I’m as guilty as anyone in this respect. I often put up with what I can find, even if I know there are better ways.

For me, finding this out was during the sexual discovery workshop. I discovered a path to better sex. Not by having more of the same sex, but by thinking about how to make sex better. What was it that I really wanted?

The result of the workshop for me was at first contradictory: Instead of more sex, I have less sex now. But, it is better sex. Sex that is satisfying and leaves me fulfilled. The sort of sex that I remember, and not the sex I want something else five minutes after. I’m not there yet all the time. And while many of my friends laugh at me for no longer being on Grindr 24/7, and think I’m simply becoming old when I politely signal to the hunky guy in the gym showers that I’m not up for it right now. But I know for myself, that once I do have sex nowadays I don’t just forget it afterwards. Instead, I know, I have a good chance of experiencing something actually worth memorising.

To those men out there who are left unsatisfied by just an other understall wank, I have one suggestion to make: Put yourself out of mediocrity and start upgrading your own sex, sexual knowledge and work on finding sex that is worth it. Learn about sex positivity. Embrace sex scene writing. Don’t just settle that quick fuck or the wank that just happens. Because it is the best gift you can make yourself.

Daniel is in his late thirties and lives and works in London. Originally from a small town, he enjoys the big city and embraces the diverse experiences there. He is starting to build his own network of regular guys to have sex with now, while hoping to delete hook-up apps one day. Thank you for contributing!