WASHINGTON, DC – According to numerous nursing sources who have taken his vital signs and other intake information, recently-fired FBI Director James “Jim” Comey’s height can be best classified by the terms “absolutely freakish” and “tremendously gigantic,” and is estimated to be on the order of 554 feet and 7 11⁄32 inches, which puts him about level with the Washington Monument.

“His immense stride allows him to fjord any river in no more than 3 steps,” said Acting Director of the FBI Andrew McCabe. “He can also afford a tremendous amount of shade when other skyscrapers just aren’t tall enough.” He went on to say that he is finding Comey’s shoes very hard to fill, particularly since he wore size 795 boots. Finding fall precaution socks to fit him is proving equally challenging.

Several news agencies only became privy to Comey’s towering stature when recent pictures and videos surfaced with him shaking hands with President Trump during a White House ceremony honoring law enforcement in January. Even President Trump, who himself is 6′ 2″ tall, was impressed. “He’s UUUUGGE!” he told Gomerblog while shielding his eyes as he stared upward trying to meet Comey’s gaze.

“If Comey required a pan [CT] scan, it would likely take weeks even months to lengthen the patient table, let alone capture his entire body,” said MedStar Washington Hospital Center radiologist Stephen McDougal. “By the time we scanned his feet, the information on his head will be obsolete.” He added later: “Could you imagine an LP on that guy? That’s one massive needle.”

Johns Hopkins Hospital nurse Tamara Brown had similar concerns. “We would have to string hundreds of beds together end-to-end to get him to fit.”

Many Americans still wonder why Comey was fired but the explanation is simpler than you might think. “Every time he takes a step there’s an earthquake,” explained Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, “not to mention all the ceilings and door frames he’s ruined by slamming his massive noggin into them. The repairs will cost taxpayers tens of millions of dollars. For that reason alone, we had to let him go.”