KARL RAVECH: Hi Folks, Karl Ravech here in Williamsport, PA, home of the Little League World Series, where we’ll be spending the next week exploiting and psychologically damaging 12 and 13 year olds by subjecting them to the sort in intense scrutiny usually reserved for SEC football players. Except the kids from Uganda. They’re just happy to be an ocean away from Joseph Kony; losing a baseball game while making three errors and striking out four times sort of loses it’s sting after seeing most of your family brutalized, isn’t that right Nomar?

NOMAR GARCIAPARRA: How the hell would I know Karl? Life with Mia’s no picnic, (Christ she’s intense), but it’s hardly fair to ask me to compare the life experiences of a child from the war-torn African Lakes region to my own experiences as a successful professional athlete with millions of dollars in earnings and a stable family life.

KR: Ha-ha, oh that Nomar, what a kidder. Harold Reynolds what do you think of your experiences at the Little League World Series, which I’m going to shorten to LLWS from now on because it’s hard to say, and probably even harder to type in a satirical post?

HAROLD REYNOLDS: I tell you what Karl, it’s a true privilege to be here year after year after year after goddamned year telling the same jokes about different kids and just waiting for the California team to roll everyone until the Japs beat our asses at our own game and….

KR: Whoa, whoa there HR! I know you’re a kidder…

HR: I’m not kidding Karl. I hate it here and I hate myself more every year I do this. I’ll say things even worse than ‘Japs’ if it’ll get me out of here. Keep in mind there’s a team from Uganda here; you don’t want to see how far I’ll take this.

KR: Okaaaaaaaaay! Let’s throw it over to Kurt Peterson! Kurt you had an opportunity to work with the kids before the tournament. What did you learn?

KP: That none of them know who I am Karl.

KR: Ha-ha, that Kirk, what a kidder.

KP: It’s KURT, Karl, K-U-R-T.

KR: Sure thing Kevin, we’ll make a note of it.

KP: Motherfu…

KR: Back on the field the Canadian team, who earlier today locked up the “Miss Congeniality” award for the 11th year running, is down 18-4 in the sixth inning to a scrappy team from South Carolina. The Canadian’s first baseman is up. He’s nicknamed ‘Tugboat’ and stands 5’6″ and weighs 204 lbs. I say he’s got the Nickname of the Year locked up. Nomar what do you think of Tugboat?

NG: Childhood obesity is no laughing matter Karl. We, and by we I mean you, make light of it and his nickname but those numbers are ones that should horrify a pediatrician, even a socialized one. Without some kind if lifestyle change or intervention this child is at much greater risk of developing any number of chronic health problems, including diabetes, and later on could face life-threatening illnesses such a heart disease. Really we do a disservice to the children and ourselves by making light of it.

KR: Fair point. Karl Peterson, any discussions you’ve had with the kids on subjects like health and nutrition?

KP: What? Karl? That’s your name for fuc…

KR: Sorry Keith, the produces are directing our attention to the field, where South Carolina’s pitcher has walked the batter on a tough pitch. Looks like the batter might have caught a break from the umpire on that one eh Harold?

HR: That umpire can get ‘BEEP’ed in the a’BEEP’ with a red-hot BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
KR: Ha-Ha, that Harold, what a kidder. Nomar your thoughts on the umpire’s call on that tough ball four. And of course we remind you that these great men and women are all volunteers, devoting hours of their own time and in a lot of cases their own money to be here.

NG: I think that, while certainly admirable, hiding behind one’s status as a volunteer to disguise what in many cases is gross incompetence is a cowardly thing to do. I mean let’s face it Karl, in the last few years the calls on the bases have been much better, and I’m sure it’s not a coincidence that this improvement seems to have started right about the time replay was introduced in the LLWS. But that’s had no effect on balls and strikes and honestly that’s been a disaster. We’ve seen umpires calls balls strikes that were a foot out of the strike zone and just now in the California-Kentucky game an umpire called a ball on a pitch that was right down the middle of the plate. It’s inexcusable for an adult to perform that poorly, particularly in instances like these were a child’s sense of self-worth is shattered through no fault of their own. In some respects, however, I suppose it prepares them for life as an adult, where you can do everything right and still get traded to the Cubs before the only team you’ve ever known wins the real World Series for the first time in 86 years.

KR: Ha-Ha, great insight Nomar. Kyle Peterson, what do the kids think of the umpiring?

KP: Fuck you Karl.

KR: Oh, hang on there Kwame; we’re live on the field where Abby Personality has an interview with the hero for South Carolina, Nathaniel Bedford Forrest. Abby?

AP: Thanks Karl! We’re here with 12 year old Nate, who at 6’4″ is towering over me, whose three home runs were crucial to South Carolina’s 27-4 squeaker over Canada. Nate, how does this win feel?

AP: Great, great. (puts hands on Nate’s shoulder, accidentally brushing her breast against his forearm) Now, tell us about that second home run, you really crush….Karl? Nate just passed out, so, I guess back to you?

KR: Ha-Ha, that Nate, what a typical teenaged boy with an extremely questionable name. I’m sure we’ll be hearing big things from him in the future right Harold?

HR: Sure Karl, absolutely, probably right after he shoots up a church full of ni (mic is cut off)(Harold is hauled off screen)

KR: That Harold, what a kidder. (off screen shouts of “I told you I’d do it! I told you I’d do it! I’m never doing this again!” can be heard over Karl’s shoulder. A chair is hurled past the camera, narrowly missing Karl) Nomar, how about those home runs?

NG: That’s an interesting topic Karl. On the one hand it’s a real thrill for the kids to smash a 240′ home run off a light post on national TV, and for sure the crowds here and on TV love it. On the other hand as good as these kids are a lot of these home runs are the product of over-engineered bats. They’re basically designed to rocket the ball at dangerous speeds all over the field. It makes for good TV but it’s probably only a matter of time before it leads to someone getting really hurt. It’s one of the reasons that a lot of local leagues are going to wood-bat only, that and the expense of the bats. Really Karl, some of these bats can easily exceed $300-$400. With that kind of expense, to say nothing og gloves, uniforms and other equipment it’s no wonder Little League is losing ground to lacrosse and soccer. *cough-cough*, faggot sports!, *cough-cough* Without those home runs, or at least their potential though, it’s a no-brainer that Little League wouldn’t get anywhere near the attention, and ensuing participation, that it does today. Certainly we wouldn’t be here. It’s a conundrum. What do you think of the situation Karl?

1) They’ll be represented by a team in BC because it’s the only province that doesn’t have snow 10 months of the year and;

2) That team will get annihilated because baseball leagues in BC is too fragmented to have a team that can compete. Also, instead of creating an all-star team from a city, it’s literally a team that wins the City title, that needs to win the provincials and nationals before competing. They don’t have a hope in hell.

I have to share my favorite memory of watching the LLWS. One year, when the players came to bat, the chyron would show their favorite subject in school and their hobby. I swear to God, this was what it said for one kid:

I’ve spent a few days to a few weeks in Williamsport every year, due to having family there. Never been to the Little League Hall of Fame, though I can tell you a lot about the logging history of the region.

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August 27, 2015 5:40 pm

Porky Prime

The LLWS only makes me want to play Bad News Baseball on NES.

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August 27, 2015 12:44 pm

Sill Bimmons

Intellivision was the first video game console to officially license its games.

My mom and I were just discussing how overly white baseball is, and how, as you say, there’s really a huge financial barrier to entry now, between equipment and private coaching and drugs and whatever.

I think I’ll start a company for HOME RUN WATER with “homeopathic essences” of pine tar and Josh Hamilton’s glove sweat.

Tell me about it. I am pissed right now because the oldest is one of the better hockey players on his team, and travel leagues start next year. I am seriously considering Nancy Kerrigan-ing him so I don’t have to spend my weekends driving around the Mountain West for youth hockey tournaments.

Oh god, hockey is so expensive. The better you are, the pricier it gets.

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August 27, 2015 8:28 pm

Kungjitsu

Thank God I have a girl. She’s good at basketball, but I can nip that AAU travel shit in the bud: The WNBA pays about $40k a year, and colleges don’t give women full athletic scholarships, so no, we’re not driving to Valdosta for a basketball tournament… or any other reason.

My son did AAU and fall ball but the most I ever paid was $700 and change for a 40 game season one summer. You can find good value if you look around and don’t get sucked into the big “programs”, most of which are a scam for all but a very select few.

I liked the LLWS better when I was a kid. Back then, the Taiwan team would show up and beat the shit out of the Americans like 22-1 because all the Taiwanese players were 6’8″ and losing their hair, and we’d casually make racist remarks about the cheating Asians (like Bill Parcells), and then forget about it for a year.

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