Essays on Life, Liberty and the Art of Depression

If you don’t know what B&H is, you’ve never bought or thought of buying a TV, Video Camera, Digital Camera, Sound Equipment, Recording Equipment, Computer Equipment or any other type of equipment that you can think of that plugs into a wall. (Or you don’t live in Manhattan.)

See this line?

It’s not to buy something, order something, or even ask for help. It’s the line for a little free nosh*. Yep. The pretzels, drinks and candies, are always there and are always free.

In fact, it’s the biggest line in the store. Always. And the candy bowls are on every counter. And it must work, because B&H is like no store I’ve ever gone into. It is NEVER, ever not crammed with people. You can’t compare it to Best Buy, J&R, CompUSA, Radio Shack, or even Walmart.

Forget the market research. Every good Jewish mother knows, a full tummy is a happy tummy. A happy tummy, feels happy about pulling out Read the rest of this entry »

When you share the room with many others on your floor of your apartment building, it’s good to know the rules:

1) Take the laundry out of machine as soon as it’s done. Don’t leave in machine overnight because you forgot after downing ¾ of a bottle of wine by yourself and falling asleep on the couch because your ex called to tell you he was getting married. Or, you could end up with rock hard towels and panties and that won’t get your bloody ex back, will it?

2) Take laundry out of dryer as soon as it’s done. Otherwise, you could end up with many missing socks, leaving you with lots of half pairs because the guy who grabbed your laundry out of the dryer is a hot 20- something son of a bitch who parties all night and only gets 2 hours of sleep before doing the laundry but still looks good enough to jump, but is too hung over to notice that he didn’t get all of your stuff out of the dryer, leaving you with many missing half pairs, going back to the main point… TAKE LAUNDRY OUT OF DRYER AS SOON AS IT’S done.

3) Take Your Lint out of the Lint Catcher in the Dryer: Because if you don’t, I will hunt you down and make you take your lint out of the dryer. Where did you grow up, in a BARN you lazy asshole? (but animals don’t know any better, so barns aren’t really that bad) because, at this point of my life, I really shouldn’t have to clean someone else’s lint out of the dryer, I should be able to afford dryer of my own.

SETTING: Dinnertime, a week after the big event (Me finding Bella with a boy in her Bedroom).

ME: So what happened?
BELLA: Well, I tried to call him on the phone but he didn’t pick up. So I texted him and told him I was not ready for a relationship
ME: And????
BELLA: He said, “OK.” Why was he so easily convinced?
ME: I don’t know. (cause you gave the milk away for FREE!)
BELLA: Probably because he got what he wanted. Boys are DOGS.
ME: Yes they are. (Men are dogs).
BELLA: I can’t even look at a boy any more without thinking YUCK.
ME: GOOD.
BELLA: Except for DB. He doesn’t think those things. I can tell.
ME: Right. (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

OK, something that freaks me out even more than the media frenzy around Elliot Spitzer? (Do I really care who he screwed?) POPCORN LUNG. So here I thought I was doing something good for myself, something that was only 100, 200, 300, 400, or 500 calories ( I can NEVER figure out that God Damn nutrition information on the back of the box, can you? I mean, who the hell eats 2 tablespoons of unpopped popcorn?–Here’s my math: 1 Cup = 20 Calories, 12.5 x 20 = 250 Calories/Bag. But what about the kernels that don’t pop? Can I eliminate those calories? Listen, I flunked algebra, leave me alone)

And now, NOW I find out that I can actually get some type of fatal disease called Popcorn Lung if I smell the stuff. So eat, but don’t smell? Now I have one more thing to tell Bella not to sniff: Hey, DON’T sniff glue, spray cans, AND POPCORN? Oh hell, what’s the difference…we’ve lived on Lexington Avenue for 14 years, and the window sills are black, before that Los Angeles, the city where air is 100 times too unsafe to breathe. So, in the end, you live, you breathe, you die. Of something. Maybe for me, Popcorn Lung.

Well, at any rate, thank you Governor Paterson for telling the world that you AND your wife both committed infidelity. Maybe now the press will really have something to talk about. Oh, wait a minute. You didn’t pay for it. Or does that come out later? Don’t keep us in suspense.

POPCORN FUMES LINKED TO DISEASE (The Real Story)

Fumes from a fresh bag of microwavable popcorn may be harmful to inhale, according to a study led by a GW professor. The main component in butter flavored popcorn, diacetyl, causes “deadly, irreversible lung disease,” said David Michaels, a research professor of environmental occupational health. The fumes from diacetyl are released when the popcorn is heated. The Medical Story Here

Lara: Men suck, then they kill you. (Of course there are exceptions to that rule, just gotta go through many frogs)

Bella: That’s sad.
Lara: It is, isn’t it?
Bella: That’s why I’m sticking with Jay from DeGrassi.
Lara: But isn’t he a character in a TV show?
Bella: Yes, he’s the bad boy.
Lara: Maybe he’s nice in real life.
Bella: He is, that’s why I don’t like him in real life. I’m starting the bad boy trend. I’ll stick to the 2D character.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so they say. Most of my serious relationships, well, they didn’t turn out too good. Last, there was Bella’s Dad (who I left when Bella was 5 months old)– the bi-polar man that I didn’t know was bi-polar until this week–15 years later, when he told Bella, that he was bi-polar, but I should have seen the signs, which I did, but ignored because I was crazy about him, ( maybe crazy in general), especially when he told me on our second play rehearsal (NEVER DATE SCENE PARTNERS –although that did work out for Jenna Elfman) Read the rest of this entry »