There are these times when the anxiety monster in my head won’t shut up. No matter how loudly I talk over it, no matter how loudly I scream at it to shut the fuck up, it is still louder. Today has been one of those days. So, I decided to be quiet and listen to it. Not so that it could influence me, but rather so that I could figure out what was driving it. What is really at the core of this incessant ball of anxiety. And boy it’s a doozie. Get this…

I’m happy.

Yep, you read that right. I’m happy and that is scary. You see I have started seeing someone, who is so fantastic of a person, I find myself feeling special that he likes to spend time with me. Beyond that, I’ve been meeting a LOT of new people through him. Here’s the really weird thing…they all like me. I’ve been so conditioned to expect the friends of the person I’m involved with to find problems with me and reasons to dislike me, that it is absolutely foreign that they like me. It all feels a bit surreal.

So I asked myself, why is this scary? Simple, happiness for me, over the last few years, has a tendency to suddenly get ripped away, like a rug being pulled out from under me. Then I had a thought that hit me like one of those “duh” moments.

“But you were happy before this started.”

It was then I realized that I am reducing my own happiness by allowing myself to be afraid that it is going to go away. I reminded myself to be present in the now and not allow the what if of fear to have a place in me. Shit happens, and if this slice of happiness comes to an end, it will hurt, and I will get over it. I always do.

There are things that happen sometimes for people with depression/anxiety/PTSD, that cause a reaction that is intense. These are generally called triggers. Sometimes I know what they are, sometimes I do not. When I know a trigger has happened, I typically have the ability to step away from that situation. When I do not know, then all I know is that I feel something extremely intensely and it is very important to me. This usually creates drama. If there is alcohol involved, it creates drama that I can’t even pull myself back from. Afterwards, however, I like to ask myself a few questions about what happened.

What was at the core of that reaction?

How do I address the core reason? and

What does this tell me about myself, and my relationships?

Sometimes the answers are obvious, sometimes, not so much. However, the last year of living without a partner and dating people, has made it easier for me to see what my reactions mean about me, and what I need out of relationships. This has not come without growing pains. Or just pain in general. All who know me, know I love fast, fiercely, and almost always forever. I do not believe that love is finite nor do I have some weird set of time rules of when you are allowed to love someone. I connect, I feel love, and I give it freely. This is something about myself that I refuse to feel ashamed about or to quash. It does however leave me very vulnerable.

I am currently experience a weird reaction, for me. I am in a situation that historically would have made me implode. I would be belittling myself, worrying, obsessing, and in general completely freaking out. I do not however find myself doing that. I feel either confident that my emotions will be understood and forgiven, or that if they aren’t, it is ok, because I will be ok. I am not exactly sure what it is, but I hope this is a trend I can hold onto.

I am going to post this often. And I am going to be conscious of the fact that I cannot stand by and let this history be repeated.

I WILL NOT STAND BY.
My Ilse taught me better.

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me

When love comes tumbling down,
and you are left alone on the promenade,
with nothing but your pride,
breathe.
You don’t need crumbs from that table.
They are the fool.
The only love that will rescue you,
is when you love you like mad.
Some days are better than others and
you might not have yet found what you are looking for,
but embrace these luminous times.
Walk to the water and fly your kite.
Get lost in the moment,
starring at the sun.
Smile.
Surrender.
And walk on.
Spend your time trying to throw your arms around the world,
until the end of the world.
Rise up!
Rejoice!
Dance barefoot night and day.
Go be a stranger in a strange land.
Don’t wait for soon,
in a little while never comes,
it is never tomorrow.
Today is the most beautiful day
because it could be your last night on earth.
For the first time,
let go of your troubles.
get on your boots,
and fly.