10 Tips For Spouses and Partners of Survivors with Dissociative Identity Disorder

Does your spouse have DID? Do you care deeply about someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder? I know already — your relationship is complicated! But take heart — there was something wonderful about them that drew you to them, and something trustworthy about you that drew them to you.

Beautiful as that may be, you are probably confused about all the dissociative issues that happen day-to-day.

Have you ever wondered why that happens, or why this happens?

Have you ever felt confused with the different behaviors you see coming from your dissociative partner?

Have you wondered how do you live with someone with a Dissociative Disorder?

I have some ideas. Start with these things:

1.Gain an understanding of what DID is.

There is a wealth of information available to learn about DID and all Dissociative Disorders. Your loved one will not be able to explain everything to you, nor do they need to do that, nor will the pressure to explain everything to you be comfortable for either of you. You can do your own research, and you can learn lots. You might be surprised what all you find out, and by learning about DID, you can be more informed and better able to handle situations.

Becoming well-informed about dissociative disorders will help you understand that so much of what you are seeing is actually very normal for a dissociative person. When you realize what is “normal”, you won’t feel so angry, or confused, or in the dark. It just helps to know what to expect.

2. Reassure your loved one, over and over, that you love them as a person, regardless of their DID.

Your loved one will feel insecure about themselves being a lovable person simply because they are dissociative, and they feel all kinds of mixed messages about themselves as a person, mostly due to a very troubled past. These insecurities are very common after lots of family trauma and probably have at least one parent who was far too rough, mean, demeaning, and cruel.

The “I’m not lovable” dynamic is going to be an issue — they won’t believe you that you love them, no matter what you say. So yep, you’ll have to reassure them over, and over, and over, and show them in all kinds of ways. There is a whole lot more that goes into their thinking these things, but expect this to be a recurring issue, even after years of time.

Don’t take it personal! These struggles relate more to the past than to the present, although it will be very important for you to provide a loving, safe, warm, gentle home environment as possible.

3. Talk openly with your partner.

Good communication is worth more than gold! Talk openly with your partner about what approach they want from you in addressing them as a person. Get some courage — this can be tough — but have lots of honest conversations with your partner so you can understand what they want and need from you. These needs will change, and it’s not easy to figure out the best approach anyway.

Do they want you to use one specific name consistently?

Do they want you to use the names of individual system members?

Talk openly together, and find out what is most comfortable for the two of you.

4. Be respectful to each and every insider.

Be respectful to each and every insider, especially the ones that you know and recognize, but also to the ones you don’t yet know or recognize. Know that these different selves will feel different and separate from each other, and they may very well appreciate being recognized as individuals. No matter who they are, treat each insider with kindness, respect, honesty, etc.

And remember this. There will be insiders watching you even if you don’t see them. They’ll be watching and listening from inside, even when someone else is presenting on the outside. In some ways, it’s like being on constant observation, so just be aware that anyone in the system, at any point in time, can possibly hear or see what is happening.

Treat them well, because they will most definitely remember if you don’t!

5. Build a personal relationship with each insider that you meet.

Personal relationships are important to everyone, including every one in a dissociative system. Each of the inner people will have their own ideas, thoughts, likes, preferences, dislikes, fears, feelings, etc. They will have their own names, mannerisms, behaviors, etc. As you get to know each insider as their own person, you will be able to recognize who is with you at that moment, and then you can understand what is happening much easier. It will make sense to you, for example, if you know the kid parts are out, and all of a sudden there are messy piles of stuffies and colored socks thrown around the house. However, if you don’t learn to recognize the different insiders, you will feel confused at the changes that you see and experience.

Another hint. When it comes to Christmas, lots of the insiders really and truly appreciate a gift that is just for them. Now… I know there are limits to how many presents you’ll be able to provide, but keep this in mind, and share the love across the whole of everyone. Don’t give all the gifts to just one or two of the insiders. Spread your gift-giving out to a wider variety of the people, and keep it fair for everyone in the system.

6. Be prepared for inconsistencies.

Yes, be very prepared for lots and lots of inconsistencies, and lots of changes of mind. DID is build on the concept of switching and being able to withstand extreme opposites. This was required for survival, and every dissociative person has a system full of insiders with very different approaches to life. This is normal for your loved one, and it’s not the fault of the DID survivor.

However, it can be very difficult to live with, both for the survivor themselves, and for the loved ones around them. Expect your DID person to tell you a variety of answers, each contradictory to the one they said last. Eventually, your DID loved one will find more consistency in themselves, as they build their inner teamwork and system cooperation. While that’s happening, please allow lots of grace for the flippity-flops.

7. Find ways to give your dissociative loved one some positive experiences that they missed in the past.

What does this mean? For example, if your partner didn’t get to play very much as a child, find a whole series of fun things to do. The inside child parts will very much need time to play, draw, color, run, swing, throw a baseball, play in the park, etc. You’ll be able to find all kinds of fun activities that even the adults can enjoy. Go to water parks, go tobogganing, play at the beach, watch some of the fantastic kids movies, etc.

There is so much healing and recovery work to do that is hard, painful, and heavy. Bringing in the fun things will be a very much needed break from the hard stuff, and will most definitely help with recovering from the losses experienced in past years.

Another example: if your dissociative loved one didn’t get to eat properly while growing up, put a lot of effort into making sure they get enough good quality healthy food now. Cook special foods, create interesting treats, find new things to eat, and encourage everyone in the system to try these new foods.

Be willing to go overboard in the areas that were laden with deprivation in the past. Your DID loved one will need the extra help in these areas, and you can be of great assistance to their healing when you help out here.

8. Be cautious and careful about physical touch.

Most dissociative trauma survivors have experienced hideous amounts of unhealthy touch. This could have been in the form of sexual abuse, or physical abuse, violence, etc. The opposite probably also happened — a complete lack of touch. As young children, DID survivors had to navigate these difficult experiences all on their own. Their touch preferences will be very much grounded in what happened to them as a child.

Many survivors who were abused were often not comforted properly, so the concept of “good touch” will be new or foreign or frightening. Some survivors over-compensate later by having what feels to be an excessive and exhausting need for good touch. Other survivors will remain frightened by touch or uninterested in touch, and be massively aloof, preferring to not be touched at all.

Sudden or unexpected touch will likely be terrifying, triggering, and could set off a series of flashbacks, bad memories, or nightmares. It is particularly important to let your partner be very aware before there is any touch — even the good stuff.

Take the time to have some genuine conversations with your partner about which kinds of touch are particularly frightening or uncomfortable for them. Also, learn which areas of their body are particularly “No Go Zones”. These areas are likely heavily trauma-related, so if you know what places to avoid, you and your partner can both feel more secure with each other.

9. Sexual intimacy is completed complicated, so please tread oh, so so gently.

Oh boy. Now THIS is a difficult topic for disociative trauma survivors. As the partner, you’ll see the whole range of everything, from older insiders who appear interested and very sexually active, to younger parts who appear willing to be involved in sexual interactions, to angry ones, to terrified screaming ones, to frozen silent ones, to seeing insiders run to the bathroom afterwards, racing for the shower or to throw up. It’s NOT an easy area for anyone.

I can offer a 100% guarantee there will be struggles in this area, at some point in time, if not for a long period of time.

Let’s remember this. Some of the most hideous abuse suffered by your loved one most likely involved sexual abuse. So… any relationship involving sexual intimacy is going to be very tangled with the past, even if your partner is willing to be with you in the present. Sexual activity is the biggest trigger of sexual abuse. The literal involvement of the body itself will create huge PTSD reactions, even if the person is willing to be gently touched by you. The emotional backlash can be overwhelming, even if the experience between you and your partner was positive. The body will remember things before the person does.

Knowing WHO you are with will, of course, be a very tender topic. Please do not have sexual relationships with the child parts! This is an obvious for most partners, but some more “Mr. Magoo” types won’t even notice.

Sexual relationships are such a huge, huge area of work for couples. It CAN be addressed, and for many of you, will involve years of hard work.

This area of healing is as crucial as any other, so please don’t give up.

10. Have FUN with your partner.

There are so many wonderful attributes with your spouse and partner — that’s why you picked them to be with in the first place. Never ever forget these amazing qualities, and spend time doing the beautiful things. Maybe your partner is musically talented. Maybe they are incredibly artistically talented. Maybe they have an uncanny way with animals. Maybe they write amazing poetry. They WILL have some very unique and beautiful qualities and talents, so enjoy that! Create time in your week to enjoy the beauty that you see in your loved one. They are sooo much more than just their difficult history. They have a shine to them that is far beyond the “normal Joe’s” out there.

Find those beauty spots, and sit there for awhile.

Sit there for a long while, and really and truly enjoy your person.

Your dissociative loved one is very much worth the extra effort it will take to understand the DID side of life. It’s not scary. It’s just how it is. It’s difficult, yes. And do-able.

The more you can learn, the more you can accept, the greater your relationship will be.

There’s so much more to say, but let’s start there for now.

I wish you all the best in your journeys together.

CALLING ALL SPOUSES AND PARTNERS OF DISSOCIATIVE PEOPLE

Would you be interested in joining a forum designed specifically for SPOUSES and PARTNERS and ALLIES of a dissociative person? The SSPA Forum — Support for Spouses, Partners, and Allies — is a new resource being developed for you.

WE are looking for spouses who are interested. Would YOU join a forum with other spouses? Do you have enough people to talk to about what life is like for you?

Comments

Thank you for posting this. My spouse is incredibly supportive, but all this weighs on her. As she reads more and asks more, she seems to finds one comfort. And there was quite a bit of validation for her just in hearing the diagnosis, after living many years with my confusing blips and missing pieces.

Is there any chance you could follow this up with a harder topic–like about the challenges of living with us multiples? And strategies for spouses to maintain their own center and sanity and self? My wife is sometimes afraid to tell me when she struggles, or ask me for help, or tell me “no” when she doesn’t feel up to helping me. That part is tricky. How do we balance confusing needs and communications with the adult relationship between partners? How do partners balance caring for littles with their needs for grownup time together? Where are the resources for partners who want to be “regular” sometimes, rather than the hero-spouse? What about spouses who need to stay present for flesh & bone children as well as the littles?

This is all so complicated. Sometimes I can be present for my partner the way she deserves, but other times I’m not really there at all, or I’m asking for a lot of care.

Hi h,
VERY well said. It IS that difficult, isn’t it?!!!!! Finding the balance between all that is such a fine line, and no couple is going to get it right all the time.
I will most certainly consider writing more on the topics you have listed. I’d like to get more information out there for spouses and partners, and your list is an excellent starting place.

My first response to what you are saying is….. Your spouse needs to be able to “switch” a lot too. Meaning… being comfortable with seeing kids one minute, and the adults the next, or vice versa. It’s all gotta happen with fluidity… so the more your spouse can “bounce” with you, comfortably, the easier it is to get all those layers of needs met, a little bit at a time.

I’ll have a think about how to say all that, and get a new blog post floating around in my head. 🙂

Thanks so much for such a great comment. Much appreciated.
Warmly,
Kathy

Many times my partner refuses to tell me who is fronting just to be a dick about it and having parts in the background is even harder to navigate, sometimes they are really cruel to me tbh. No therapists at all where we live. I’m so tired of doing this alone.

Wow, I’ve never seen a more spot on summary of life with a DID person and how we need to be treated. Thank you so so much for being so thorough and especially for being really blunt about the reactions to sexual relations. We have many if not all of those reactions almost every time for 13 yrs now and when i told a T once she gasped and said how horrible it must be for my partner and how hard it must be on him…I was floored. As if we as survivors don’t have enough guilt and shame about this stuff already! Those few words have stuck with several alters and traumatized them to the point where they will forever feel like a burden and guilty. Exactly what we were told by the abusers…
Thank you so much Kathy for continuing to share your wisdom. I’m going to plaster this everywhere i can think of in hopes of educating more partners. that there IS a way to deal with this. Our husband has been with us from day 1 and nothing phases him anymore, literally every single thing you’ve mentioned here he does already and it really really does make life so much easier and more enjoyable. Even when i find myself wishing i never had this, he reassures me and says he’s glad we are all here because he would be so lost and devastated without us all. We are truly blessed and its really nice to know we (as in us as a married couple) are doing the ‘right’ things,and the way we act and love one another isn’t bad or unhealthy as some would say it is.
Life with a DID partner is not ‘normal’. And its nice to know that it doesn’t have to be and really, it shouldn’t be.
Thanks again really love this post. Have a great day!

And I’m really pleased to hear that: 1. you and your hubby have been doing these things already, (How cool is that?!!!), and 2. you are willing to share this information around. That’s fine by me! Just please include my name and links back to this site — that’s all I ask. 🙂 And thank you for that. Much appreciated!

And… you know… In these blog updates that are happening… (I know, I’m slow, but they ARE happening!), I REALLY want to have an area for spouses and partners. I’ve got a few ideas about how to make that work, so yes… hopefully, one day we can make that a reality. It sounds like your hubby might need to be one of the leaders. 🙂

It’s really great to hear when some things are going well. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 You can be an inspiration to others that way.! You see, folks?!!! IT CAN BE GOOD! 😀

Thank you so much for posting this. I would love to chat with you about the joys and also the very real, very hard to explain, very damaging things some alters do and say especially the protectors who see me as a problem but needs to be dispensed with. I have Littles who love me like a mama, I have already pre-teen boys who love to tease me and our sometimes we could and sometimes wonderful, I have angry vicious and cruel alters in their early 20s that just eviscerate me and every level tell my secrets to spill things down to the world postings on social media and do out reach is an awful things, just so awful, and a half an hour later my loving and beautiful husband is back wanting to me to get my things make and I’m in a devastated heap of tears and resentment. I deal with switches that take me from one end of happy upbeat lss

Excellent post, if i am allowed to add something more: the spouse should not allow/enable bad behaviors of insiders. One of my ex partners who interestingly happened to be a psychiatrist in training, would spoil a child alternate to the extremes (buying toys/candy/negating responsibility) which made life very difficult for the rest of us and also boundaries became blurred.He said he felt sorry for it, but regardless it wasn’t proper behavior. It really takes a person with extreme mental strength to be an effective partner of someone with DID.

Hi revengestar,
You absolutely are allowed to add something more, and thank you very much for doing so!
Oh, and what a powerful example you have provided.

I like to remind spouses and partners to truly be as fair and equal to as many insiders as possible. I liken it to a group of outside people, or outside children. If ONE or TWO children are selected out of the larger group as the only “special” ones, that just triggers the bejeeeeeebies out of everyone else, and that’s probably far too close to a trauma dynamic well learned already. So while it’s good to build relationships, it really needs to be done in a healthy way.

What you are describing, revengestar, sounds not very healthy at all, especially for someone who is training for the psychiatric field. yikes. I hope they’ve learned a bit more by now!

All good points, Kathy. For me at the top of the list, I would add, “Deal with your own issues” because until I did, my issues got triggered by her issues, and it was a vicious circle that kept her from healing like she has since I dealt with my issues.

Hi,
First post here and sorry for my English..Not very used to it, so I read and write slowly up here.Thanks for this post Kathy! I admire your involvement and I am glad I found your site. Its so very helpfull to me and to so many others!
I see the comment I would give has already been said..I think it’s very hard for a partner to live with us. Ik feel quilty quite a lot, because I am not “normal and easy” to live with. And I think its very important to stay equivalent. Its not just about me, us. I also want to have space for the things my partner is dealing with and I have to understand that she cannot be always there for me, us. Although I really have a wonderfull wife..:)
Youre mentioning very difficult issues..I cant’talk about everything..but I find it difficult and hard work for both of us.
Its good to read from onthers also.
Thanks a lot!
Warmly,
Nikki

Hi Nikki,
Welcome to Discussing Dissociation! Your English was perfectly fine, so no worries about that. Thank you for having the courage to make your very first comment. That’s excellent!

You are right, Nikki — it is very difficult to keep everything equal. And the fact that you are interested in doing so means you are probably closer to that than you realize. It’s just important to also be there for your spouse, and to be supportive of them in whatever else they are going through too. Relationships are for both people, yes? Even the appreciation you already show of your wife tells me that you are doing good things for her as well. This matters a lot, because it certainly helps to keep the balance in the relationship. Mutual respect and kindness!

We speak of many difficult things here in this blog, so please take your time, and read through all the different areas. All topics are allowed, so… that means even the tough ones surface from time to time. 🙂

Thank you for posting, and I hope you feel comfortable to write again, at any time, on any post.
Warmly,
Kathy

Luckily there are partners out there who care enough to stick at it and keep trying, though I’m sure some can’t and don’t.

Especially tough if a person who has appeared to be ‘adult’ and is in a relationship that is supposed to be ‘adult’ ends up not being able to maintain the ‘adult parts out’ for much of the time as there can be so many young ones who all demand and need their time out and balancing the need to care for external children with also meeting the needs of an adult relationship can be too much for a system to handle overall.

Do people with DID always trust their partners enough to even show them the youngest and most hurt and vulnerable parts? I would doubt it….

Much respect to the partners who do keep on keeping on and stay true and loyal to their partners with DID. x

Hey Kallena,
And yes… if only there was more of the ideal world floating around us all….

What you have mentioned is so very often the way it is. LOTS of pulls, in every direction. Inside kids. outside kids. Being an adult. Experiencing the needs of a child. It IS complicated, no doubt.

And unfortunately, MOST spouses really struggle. At least in my experience this is true. It’s not an easy life to balance for anyone, and especially when the spouse isn’t understanding of, or supportive of the dissociative issues, it can get really rough.

And, no — I don’t think that most DID survivors trust their spouses enough to show them their most hurt and vulnerable parts. I think some child parts pop out a lot — but …. probably not the most hurt ones, and not the most vulnerable ones… unless they’ve been triggered out by an unhappy event.

As a whole… I would say it’s more likely than not that the DID survivor feels like they need to hide their system from their partner. I think that puts toooo much pressure on the DID system, so I advocate for a more supportive, or at least understanding role from the spouse. Y’all need to be able to switch sometimes!!! You probably have to stay adult in your work life, and if you can’t be yourselves in your home life… then… that just makes things toooo tight.

This is a helpful post for me, it helps me to understand what my husband might be experiencing living with me. He doesn’t like to have any focus placed on my parts though, he basically ignores anyone that comes out unless they directly interact with him (which is rare) and he doesn’t like me talking about them much as it makes him uncomfortable. He told me once that he thinks I think I’m special but that I’m not because everyone experiences these things. I think he really believes that DID is just an excuse for ‘letting out’ something that everyone else keeps inside. I am not sure how true this is but it makes me wonder if he has aspects of DID himself, he says he has ‘parts’ but that they don’t have ‘personalities’. But I didn’t know about the personalities aspect in myself until recently so what if he is just at that ‘hidden’ stage like I was? He certainly has the combo of abusive childhood and lack of attachment to parents.
What you said Kathy in one of your comments feels so very true for me: “As a whole… I would say it’s more likely than not that the DID survivor feels like they need to hide their system from their partner. I think that puts toooo much pressure on the DID system, so I advocate for a more supportive, or at least understanding role from the spouse. Y’all need to be able to switch sometimes!!! You probably have to stay adult in your work life, and if you can’t be yourselves in your home life… then… that just makes things toooo tight.”
I always feel like I have to do whatever I can to hide everyone inside so that most of the time I present as a singular person, even to myself, and every now and then everyone goes nuts inside and someone finally comes bursting out in some wild/dramatic fashion and it’s horrible until I can ‘get it under control again’ and so he considers this to be just me having “episodes” or whatever. In theory he thinks I should meet the needs of my parts but I think he thinks it all should be able to be done without anyone coming out and I used to think that too but now I’m not sure that’s possible and it sounds like you agree. I am almost constantly in charge of one or more of my children at all times so that adds a huge complication to the concept of anyone else being out, and the outbursts of parts usually have happened when my husband is present, which I think is because of that pressure to stay in control for purposes of parenting. I wonder if you could address the sticky, messy topic of parenting while having DID. I haven’t read anything about it and feel like it’s just a horrible shameful secret that you have to hide in order to a) not traumatize your kids and b) not be at risk of having your kids taken from you by “well-meaning” but misunderstood interventions. And in the hiding of the secret, the shame grows and the healing is stunted. I can’t even discuss it with therapists for fear of being misunderstood and the therapist feeling required to report something. I’m afraid to explain it to my kids in case they repeat it to others (they are young and love to tell everyone our business!) The whole thing is such a mess. Maybe people with DID don’t usually have kids???

I have grown kids. I was not full DID, Lower on spectrum.
Need to have good communication with parts so’s irl kids are kept safe.
If you can afford a T, thats important to help sort things out internally.
If you doing big switches while with irl kids, its best to talk bout it. I just would say it in general terms, like say I having a bad day or something.
I can remember kids staring at me when I enter room. I think they was guaging ‘who’ mom was going to be .
Also my irl kids were my best indicator of how I was doing etc, cuz their behaviour would reflect it. Also their behaviour would let me know if I was switched cuz I often was unaware.
It was scary to me in my denial to realize how my kids were responding to assorted ‘me’s.
I had no idea.
But I had good help.
My adult irl kids are ok. They doing ok despite me and all.
But ya, getting good help is crucial really.
Cuz I just didn’t realize so much.
All inside must understand that the irl kids to be kept safe. That older parts goto supervise.
Stuff like that.

This is really helpful and interesting! I liked the mentions of fun since it can be forgotten or put aside at times in relationships.

I think it’s also important for partners/spouses to take care of themselves and their needs, it’s unhealthy if everything in their life or relationship revolves around the needs of the person with DID. As h said – sometimes there can be a fear of saying “no” to someone.

Taking on a role of rescuer or trying to ‘fix’ the problems of the person with DID is also something to avoid. Understanding that this isn’t realistic and tends to end up back-firing is important. An understanding of the ‘drama triangle’ roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor can help with this.

Hello to the folks at Trauma and Dissociation —
Thanks so much for your comment, and for your frequent reading of this blog. I really do appreciate that, and it’s just good to stay connected to others working on the same page. So thanks!

And yes… I agree with what you said. There absolutely has to be that balance. Making the relationship ALL about one person or the other is just not a good thing. It’s not healthy for either person if one person is completely in the center of everything. Balance, balance, balance, and sharing. And everyone needs to contribute TO the relationship, bring in positive things, and give to the other.

Thanks for the good point. And please keep up the good work over here at your site!
Warmly,
Kathy

His response is this, “She has to deal with my stuff. I deal with hers as mutual respect”.

We live by the understanding and belief that what comes around goes around. What you give out comes back. In some way shape form or matter. It does come back. Just done have any expectations of what you are “due”.

We believe this to be true in any relationship. Yes. DID has its challenges. What relationship doesn’t? What we give out ourselves comes back. We deal with his “stuff”, he deals with ours. It’s a give and take relationship.

We realize this post is made for those that support us. There is also what we can do to “keep the relationship” as well. Relationships are, after all, a two way street. What we give out, what we get.

We actually could write a whole entire blog about that ourselves. Yep! Our addition would be.. It isn’t just about what they can do for us.. It’s about what we can do for them!!!!!!!???????

A wife and mother with DID has raised an issue that is really important to many of us: how to manage being a parent of real outside children when you are many, and have very young needs yourself and inside children to care for as well.

We’ve found it a very very difficult and demanding road, with the main guideposts being having plenty of knowledge of how we do not want to parent but, absolutely zero experience of what it is to be a good parent and what is ‘normal behaviour’ for children as we came to realise how totally ‘not normal’ our own experience has been. Not exactly the greatest foundation on which to ‘be a parent’.

A post on issues encountered in trying to juggle these contradictory roles at the same time as being many parts and trying to do your best to not allow your own children to experience anything remotely like what you did yourself would be really valuable Kathy.

Hi Kathy, thank you so much for posting this. I just want to express my interest in more articles / discussion on the role of spouses and partners in the healing process. My wife is the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful person and I want to support her– and every part of her– in any way I can. 🙂

Thanks so much for this poster. We were so excited to see it and shared it with our T to share with her other clients. This is such an overlooked subject. Our relationship is doing much better from your initial help and now we are working with a couples counselor who specializes in DID (we are her first couple with one of us DID) and it has been HUGELY helpful to both of us. We finally figured out how much we were triggering each other and how that was contributing to both our frustrations. We have gotten much better at communication, too. Though we still keep a lot hidden as showing your hurt and vulnerable is really hard for us to do with anyone.

Thank you, Kathy. You helped save our marriage and made us able to be better parents to our outside kids. So glad you are back!

I was an abused child but i do not have DID . But I made contact through a poetry forum with a woman who revealed she was an abused child. She requested I help her escape her abusive environment. After first being discharged as well by her local Social services she eventually left her abusive husband and family. I supported as best i could but her demands were 24/7 . Eventually a year after leaving home and after further disengagement from social services I finally got her to engage. Finally she was diagnosed . She had in total 20 alters from a teething baby to early and late teens to adults of either sex. Due to my going away for respite a protector appeared because clients planned respite fell through and client was upset and humiliated by a number of crisis team visits they stating they did not talk to children they being an adult team. She lost trust which made my life more difficult. The protector did not like to be touched which I discovered was due to abuse at 21 whilst on holiday. Eventually he became relaxed about my being close touching his hand or arm to reassure. I called them family and got them to communicate to host through me or by writing notes or emails etc. Some alters came briefly and once they understood all was well they did not return leaving just two alters remaining after two years the 21 yr old male and 2 yr old little girl who was the historian . They all had their own music on iphone and their own pocket money. Host was known as sis but mommy to the little ones. Host needed spectacles at all times but alters never wore them. 21 YR old male only wore jeans and stated he felt gay if client wore a skirt. They saw me as their big brother

Great post and thanks for writing it. As the spouse of a person with DID, one who suffered RSA etc, (his alters have alters, 40+ so far), it was great to read this.
My search for groups, resources, information for spouses/partners has unfortunately turned up very little.
I would be very appreciative if anyone could share any resources they have found, groups they belong to or really any information that helps us as partners to take care of ourselves, our spouses, their alters and so on.
Thanks in advance and looking forward to reading more on this site.

Thank you for this. Just moved in with my partner and have been so afraid that they are going to just give up because of the system (doesn’t help the system is all fighting right now… which is making life a living hell…).

My partner has DID for many years. This alter he can be very manipulative and when he comes out criticizes how weak my partner is. Calls him names, talks about how he has been the one who has taken all of his hurt for him. That he is weak. Also, has told me that he can see why he loves me and that he has feelings for me. This is all so new to me. I have tried to build a relationship and get the alters trust, but then my partner says that he is manipulating me because he isn’t a very nice person. I have went from being accepting to not wanting to be around because I don’t want my partner mad or upset that his alter and I can be friends, although the alter has made attempts to be sexual and I have turned him down. I have had conversations trying to learn about the alter and feel I made progress and have gained the trust, now I feel I have lost it because in conversation when I told my partner I don’t know if I want to be around when his alter comes out, he said he heard him “laughing” in the background as I was talking. I am seeing a lot on alters that are children and such, but not much on alters such as he has. Manipulative, mean and self destructive. I am looking for a group and haven’t found really what I was looking for, I am hoping some help is out there on this blog for me.
Thanks

Have you found anything? Your story is the closest to mine I have seen on this site. I almost feel like some people think all alters are totally harmless when that is so far from the truth I can’t even see it from where I stand.

I dated a man for about 7 months. I’ve been on and off relationship with him this article explains his behavior however he’s in denial he’s never said he was anyone else. I found out 1 of his alters is gay I seen the picture of his privates he wrote a married man professing his love for him. It was a nightmare dealing with him. He would get lost I didn’t understand why since he has GPS on his phone. He was very contradictive I constantly had to repeat myself. I felt as if I was his parent. I was in a one sided relationship. I’m disabled myself and taking care of my adult disabled son. I just found out my dad has aggressive cancer. My ex was too much for me to handle. He won’t stay away from me. He’s been to jail 4 times in 3 months he can be violent. He can’t hold down a job. He had a good childhood. He always said his grandma helped him. His mom supposedly a cardiologist Dr. My ex said his iq is 160. Things were not making sense. It was crazy dealing with him. I had a horrible childhood but you get over it. He was more of a burden to me. He’s not from here where I live. I think he’s running. When he doesn’t get his way he uses emotional blackmail to get his way. Anyway this article makes a lot of sense. Thanks

My wife is DID, and Abandoment issues. Her copeing mechanisms are cutting and sex. im a combat vet with treated ptsd. I understand to an extent the DID, but my problem is my wife before me has had nothing but abuse from the age of 14 when she was raped to when i met her at 26. We have been together 14 years now and 4 years ago i started my treatment for PTSD. With my succes for my PTSD and the major changes i have made. She now has filled for legal seperation leading for divorce. She tells me she love me and she hate she has hurt me but i cant make her happy. I cant make her happy because i cant give her pain. She has never in all her life experienced true love in any relationship only abuse. Im at a lost as to what to do. The more i show my love for her the further she goes away. Please anyone if you can help me save the love of my life that tells me shes not worth loving stop this. We have a 12 year old daughter together and its crushing her. PLEASE IM DESPERATE TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE. gatorlineman863@gmail.com

Thank you for this post, after 6 years of marriage with an off and on alcoholic – he’s finally shared with me that he has multiple personalities – everything is starting to come together and make sense – he’s magnificent, a wonderful father and just this month are starting to talk openly about it….i can see him switch to a different alter as soon as a topic upsets him – how does someone get through life with this disease? A lifetime of being misunderstood – due to damage from previous trauma- it’s unimaginable to me. Hopefully being heard and understood will help him heal and live life more fully in society.It’s also surprising difficult to find good advice for a spouse trying to help someone with DID with young children in the mix. I’m grateful we live in a time where this issue is being discussed more openly. I look for more posts in the future!!!

I am glad that you have found this place. Kathy has numerous postings for family and friends of DID folks to help and tons on DID itself. I personally believe that the best thing to do for yourself and your husband is to learn as much about DID as you can. That way you will know better what your husband may be dealing with and how you might help him. But, for me the bottom line is to seek professional help for your husband first and foremost and maybe for yourself too. Not just to find out how to help him but to let you find some understanding of how his DID is affecting you as well.

Its taken me some time to see this post! Thank you ME+WE for responding and for the advice. I’ve attempted to reach out to several therapists with little success on finding ones that are effective…and I worry so much that too many failed attempts at finding the right therapist will ultimately bring out negative alters. We are just recovering from the worst year – the dust is finally settling and our family survived intact and dare I say…is even a little better off than before. I can see how hard he is working to not let stress trigger negative actions and I want to acknowledge and support his efforts. He appreciates my efforts and has remained sober. There is some type of internal system work happening – but I’m not privy to the details of exactly how this is happening. He tells me that once a day he tries to acknowledge everyone in his system…so it sounds to me like there’s much more internal communication. I don’t want to ask too much of him because things outside our immediate world and routine seem to agitate him – I worry about triggering drinking, I don’t want his rage fragments to ever has reason to come out again. He’s taking good care of our kids, and managing a rental unit we have. When I come home the kids are happy and fed, I’ll celebrate this victory for now.

Tonight I’m going to recommend he research this website, its the best resource I’ve found. Do you have any suggestions on how I might encourage him to seek out therapy – so far he has been very skeptical at best of anyone’s ability to understand and help. Do you have any suggestions if we are unable to find a therapist that specializes in dissociation (ideally a man…I feel like they may b few and far between)

I am so glad that you have found your way back here. I searched and searched for a few years for sensible, trust-worthy and down-to-earth information on DID and kept coming back here. Kathy and Laura know their stuff and have such a gentle, compassionate and frank way of talking to us straight up about DID and our healing journey.

Then there is our community here. We are a group of folks who know … we really know. Maybe not the particulars because everyone’s journey and DID system is unique. But, we share a lot of commonalities that come with a DID diagnosis. We know what it is like to live with others in one body and we are always willing to listen with welcoming hearts and minds to the problems, issues, struggles, questions and triumphs of our friends here. And, when we can, offer our experience, suggests and support.

Finding a good therapist can be a struggle. Many folks have written here about their issues with therapists. There are some blogs you can check out on the website about what to look for in a therapist. Where you live will be a big factor in the availability of therapists. Personally, I looked for someone well educated in clinical psychology, experienced and compassionate. I was not as concerned about DID experience as a willingness to accept that DID exists, a willingness to learn and a perspective that was open to working with all of my alters to build cooperation and coconsciousness.

Now, if you can encourage your husband to start reading here that would be awesome. Please tell him that he does not have to read everything. That would just be way too overwhelming. I would suggest starting with the articles featured on the home page and then maybe some of the articles listed under “Popular Posts” in the side bar (right-hand side). Just skim through the comments and pick out the ones that sound most helpful. It may be too much for him to hear the problems/issue of others right now in big doses.

Also, you want to consider booking some consultation time with Kathy. There is a link at the top of the website pages called “consultation”. Kathy may be a good starting point to sorting out what is going on and how to get help (and why professional help is important).

Remember that we are here for you too EJ. We certainly know the struggle and the chaos DID brings to everyone’s lives. And we are so very thankful for our partners and friends who offer us such wonderful support, understanding and love. A HUGE shout out to you EJ for jumping in here to help your husband. He already has a wonderful start on his healing journey with you by his side.

I am so very grateful for this site, thank you. A little background, I have been in counseling since the age of 8, ongoing through adulthood (with marginal success, more like building a tool-kit rather than healing). For the past 2-years I have been in DID-specific needs-meeting counseling and the healing is finally happening (but it is so hard). I am in my second marriage, with a loving and supportive husband, but when we argue I can get badly triggered and some very hurtful parts (to him and to myself) become dominant. My husband and I are going to have some joint counseling sessions, but I would love your insights and opinions.

When I am badly triggered, for lack of a better description, I cannot always “escape” from the alter(s) that step in. I can be very mean and scary. In that moment, all I really want is love and support from my husband, but all he sees is a hateful person who also hates him and calls him names. Understandably, he does not want to give love then, he is hurt and angry too.

I have at least one strong alter who does not like my husband (she is very independent, protective of me, and believes she needs no one, she has been dominant in many past years, prior to our marriage). In an attempt to acknowledge her in my system, and to give him some perspective, I have told him about her. But understandably, that is really scary and threatening to him (she threatens to end our marriage). I’m not sure whether to share these things with him (although I don’t always have control over it – if she is out in a fight I am not yet able to stop her). The only thing I believe might help her/me when she is out is him stopping the fight and giving me love and understanding right then and there. But this is not fair to him. He has to completely shut down all his feelings and reactions, while I can’t (sometimes I can though). But the burden is on him to stop, or to recognize when I am shifting. He feels his voice is not heard, he feels disrespected, etc.

Here are my questions:

(1) What advice can you give to my husband to help him in these types of moments?

(2) My husband need to be heard in an argument. Some parts of me can do this, some are absolutely incapable. How can his needs get met?

(3) I am trying to get to know and honor all parts of my system, and this includes the angry, scary, hurtful parts. To me part of acknowledging them is also telling my husband, with the hopes that he will gain some perspective. I have at least one (maybe more) part(s) that does/do not like him, do not need him, do not need the arguing (and we don’t argue too often, but when we do it seems to blow up big) – the pain of arguing is so great she’d rather be alone. But many other of my parts deeply love him and need him, being alone again is terrifying. I’m not sure how to approach this with him. What do I tell him of these parts that don’t like him? I actually want him to try to befriend them/her.

(4) I’d like to echo the need for a resource for spouses/partners/friends/supporters of people with DID. There is NOTHING out there. My husband feels alone, scared, and isolated in this. He tried to reach out on a Reddit thread but that didn’t work too well since it really was for people with DID. Is it possible to make a section of this site for supporters/spouses? They deserve support, consolation, understanding too. They are dedicated to us , but they need a place where they can say to another spouse “Have you ever experienced this? What did you do?” or even just vent.

This is really weird. I could have actually written this post myself. I have some of the same things that threatens divorce, calls names, yells, screams etc. Once she is is out it can take a while for her to go away. My husband has chosen to leave the house for both of our sakes. It is not working all that well, we want to go to therapy with husband but he is too reserved and private to go. He is so sad he threatened to hurt himself. We are working hard to be better with other parts, but is a SLOW process and we are new to therapy.

My spouse looked up a site and it scared the hell out of him. It was written by a spouse. And it wasn’t pretty. :0(

So, I look forward to watching others’ comments, too,

I feel ya, S. Keep working on your system. You will get there. Try to figure out triggers and write them down in a file. Talk about them to your T. Then make sure your husband knows them, and ask him to help you avoid them. (I know that won’t be easy).

I am working on an anger management workbook, and we do a lot of study about our DID. We read a lot of books, and try to send helpful articles to the husband.

In the heat of a disagreement, when an angry confrontational one is out try to walk away and put yourself in time out. My angry one is only 12, so getting away to use the restroom, use essential oils, take a shower, do some deep breathing, hit a pillow if you have to.

I just wanted to quickly say that Kathy and Laura are adding a forum here on DD. I hope they add a section to it for partners/loved ones. They are working on something for exactly what you are talking about.
There is a post that discusses “Whats ahead…” on here somewhere. Im not all that tech savy but I think maybe that can give you some ideas. Take care.

I was thinking more about this this morning and I actually didn’t address your questions.

(1) What advice can you give to my husband to help him in these types of moments?
My husband usually leaves for both of our sakes. She can’t reason with him, avoidance is best.

(2) My husband need to be heard in an argument. Some parts of me can do this, some are absolutely incapable. How can his needs get met? Wait until both can discuss in a clear head. This can be tricky. I don’t remember the hurtful things I say, so if he tell me later, I may be able to hear when a better, helpful part is out. FWIW, my husband doesn’t feel heard either.

(3) I’m not sure how to approach this with him. What do I tell him of these parts that don’t like him? I actually want him to try to befriend them/her. You could try to tell them why these angry parts formed. But that is personal. It depends on how much you remember about your trauma, and where you are in your DID work, and how comfortable your spouse is with the discussion. My angry part doesn’t like my husband or men, or even people, much. We have to dig into these parts to unravel them. We are not there yet.

(4) I’d like to echo the need for a resource for spouses/partners/friends/supporters of people with DID.
Books could also be helpful. Avoid blogs, those are the ones that scared me the most. Check out http://www.traumadissociation.com It has a list of books for DID people. I am sure this website would be a great resource as well. Trauma Dissociation has a FB page as well.

Like D K, I am wondering how you are doing. Sue and Kennedy have given really good advice and some solid resources as well. Let me try and offer some of my own thoughts on your questions in hopes that maybe something here will help or open up further dialogue with folks.

Marriage is this wonderful dance with slow easy parts, passionate refrains and some pretty fast and frantic moves along the way. Finding the rhythm that works best for you and your spouse takes time, patience and lots of love. It really sounds to me like you have all of those ingredients already in your marriage S. The very fact that you are concerned about your husband and working together and with your DID speaks volumes about you as a person and what you are doing to make your marriage work.

First, three suggestions off the top before I address your specific questions.

1) Keep working on your stuff, building understanding with your insiders including why they are there and what triggers them, work towards co-consciousness so you can remain present when they are out, etc. Basically, just keep up your work on your DID. The more you understand, heal and communicate with your insiders, the more cooperation you will gain with them.

2) Education is key here for you and your husband. The more you and he read and learn about DID, the more you will both understand what is happening with you and your relationship. In turn, the less emotionally charged the situation may be if you understand where things are coming from. It takes some of the “unknowns” and the “fears” out of what is happening.

3) No one can communicate and resolve disagreements if there is a lot of emotional charge in the equation. That does not work for any relationship whether or not one of the parties is a multiple or not. I really think that Sue has a good suggestion when she says that her husband leaves. A cool down period where you both can regroup and come to the discussion with clearer, more open and accepting minds will really help I think.

Now, to your questions more specifically.

What advice can you give to my husband to help him in these types of moments?

Know that some of the reaction that you may be having is not about him but the emotional imprinting that you carry with you into the relationship. When you are triggered and switch, that is not a good time to be trying to communicate his thoughts to you. You (the host) may not hear and one of your insiders may say things that you do not wish said or feel. When this happens (an insider gets triggered) do not take this personally. The insider is acting out in protection-mode based on the bad things that others did to you NOT anything that he is doing or has done. Stepping away from the situation if he can do so (i.e., recognizing your safety issues if that is the case) until you have been able to ground yourself, is probably the best solution. He may wish to ask who he is talking to so he know which insider is interacting with him (so he can understand where the response is coming from) and he may wish to jot down some of the interaction so you can discuss this later (i.e., what your insiders have said to him). This may help you understand better what is triggering to that insider and what you need to work on with that insider. It also helps your husband see this as clearly a response coming from your insider, gives him some sense of being an active and helpful part of your healing process and gives you a place to start talking to him about your various insiders.

My husband need to be heard in an argument. How can his needs get met?

Absolutely your husband needs and deserves to be heard. The key word here is “argument”. No one is fully heard or understood or hears and understands during an argument. Effective communication can only happen when both parties feel emotionally grounded and are able to discuss the issues with an open mind and heart. That goes for both you and your husband. Is this easy to do – hell no. My insider Victoria has some rip snorting arguments with my husband. But, we know that Victoria cannot resolve the disagreement with my husband nor can he be heard by me when she is out. So, we have to cool down, take some time to ground (both of us – my husband has his own issues with anger and being heard or, as I like to point out – being willfully stubborn) and wait to have the discussion when it is just that – a discussion with different points of view that deserve to be heard and not an argument.

What do I tell him of these parts that don’t like him?

Well, this all depends on your personal communication with your husband. My husband and I talk about everything … sometimes too much I think. There are things that I do not discuss with him. The nature of my abuse he knows generally although I have not told him the details. The general part is upsetting enough to him. And, some of my triggers I have kept to myself because they would be hurtful to him and there is nothing that he can do to change the situation (like men’s hands being triggering for me). That having been said, he does know about all of my insiders. I made an “insider family album” with pictures from the Internet and descriptions of my insiders. I did this for my T but gave a copy to my husband. That way he could get to know all of my insiders on his own time and in his own space (i.e., without me telling him and him thinking that I was looking for his response).

I am honest with him about my relationship with my insiders — which ones I have good communication with and which ones I don’t — and when they are triggered in other situations (i.e., ones not directly related to him). That way he gets to know them and their peculiarities. He speaks to some of my insiders and actually teases one of them. I like that he is building a relationship with my husband-friendly insiders. I think that helps him feel a part of my internal world and also less frightened of my switches. He has also had some great suggestions for how I might build cooperation with some of my more troublesome (read, troublesome from my perspective) insiders. I think that they have heard this and respect him for wanting to help and having good ideas for me, the host.

Is it possible to make a section of this site for supporters/spouses?

I am thinking that Kathy is listening. There is a lot of really bad and scary information out there. This is a safe place for solid and thoughtful information thanks to Kathy. You can trust what she says here both in terms of accuracy, depth of understanding and compassionate perspective.

I thought there would be a notice to me when my post was “approved” and when someone posted. If there was I didn’t see it, so I waited and then came back to check. I apologize for the delay in my reply and thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I have not yet seen the traumadissociation.com yet and I will definitely check that out! As many tools and resources as possible are helpful!

My husband is aware of DID, how it works and my trauma and childhood history. He has seen me in terror in the middle of the night, he has seen my deep pain, and is very loving then. It’s when my very angry, hateful parts come out that he cannot offer the same empathy. He takes it personally and has a hard time seeing that those parts come from the same history. I’m not sure where the disconnect for him occurs. But perhaps that is something support from other singleton-partners might be able to help him with?

Our suggestion to leave makes total sense and he actually does leave the house, but this doesn’t help me, as my extreme fear of abandonment triggers me more. He has to leave to cool himself down, but I get more triggered when he leaves.

I have limited access to those parts currently to self-soothe. I know it is my responsibility ultimately to self-soothe, and as I get to know my system the connection is growin. But currently I need an outside calming agent. I cannot give it to myself yet. I don’t know if it is fair to place him in that role. And this is where I say, in those moments, he needs are not being met.

I will look at those other resources and will also share what I learn from the joint counseling sessions we do – in case it will be helpful to others here.

I just know he’d love to find others to connect with too – this connection with me to others in similar situations is helpful and greatly appreciated. Again thank you!

We just got the book, “Ghosts in the Bedroom, A Guide for Partners of Incest Survivors” by Ken Graber, M.A. It is recommended from the traumadissociatio.com website I mentioned. My husband doesn’t really know about my abuse except the small parts I remember in the past; then denied that they couldn’t be true. So we will have to tell him the abuse. He doesn’t take kindly to abusers, the topic angers him, so we will see when the right time is to give it to him.

I also have abandonment issues so I usually yell as he leaves. But if he doesn’t nothing is resolved. A time out and an agree to talk about it at a time when we are both calmer is better advice. My angry part is 12 so she isn’t mature. She is an angry teen so self-control isn’t really easy for her.

I will be hoping things are going better for you. I started a yoga class and that is helping me some.

Like D K, I am wondering how you are doing. Sue and Kennedy have given really good advice and some solid resources as well. Let me try and offer some of my own thoughts on your questions in hopes that maybe something here will help or open up further dialogue with folks.

Marriage is this wonderful dance with slow easy parts, passionate refrains and some pretty fast and frantic moves along the way. Finding the rhythm that works best for you and your spouse takes time, patience and lots of love. It really sounds to me like you have all of those ingredients already in your marriage S. The very fact that you are concerned about your husband and working together and with your DID speaks volumes about you as a person and what you are doing to make your marriage work.

First, three suggestions off the top before I address your specific questions.

1) Keep working on your stuff, building understanding with your insiders including why they are there and what triggers them, work towards co-consciousness so you can remain present when they are out, etc. Basically, just keep up your work on your DID. The more you understand, heal and communicate with your insiders, the more cooperation you will gain with them.

2) Education is key here for you and your husband. The more you and he read and learn about DID, the more you will both understand what is happening with you and your relationship. In turn, the less emotionally charged the situation may be if you understand where things are coming from. It takes some of the “unknowns” and the “fears” out of what is happening.

3) No one can communicate and resolve disagreements if there is a lot of emotional charge in the equation. That does not work for any relationship whether or not one of the parties is a multiple or not. I really think that Sue has a good suggestion when she says that her husband leaves. A cool down period where you both can regroup and come to the discussion with clearer, more open and accepting minds will really help I think.

Now, to your questions more specifically.

What advice can you give to my husband to help him in these types of moments?

Know that some of the reaction that you may be having is not about him but the emotional imprinting that you carry with you into the relationship. When you are triggered and switch, that is not a good time to be trying to communicate his thoughts to you. You (the host) may not hear and one of your insiders may say things that you do not wish said or feel. When this happens (an insider gets triggered) do not take this personally. The insider is acting out in protection-mode based on the bad things that others did to you NOT anything that he is doing or has done. Stepping away from the situation if he can do so (i.e., recognizing your safety issues if that is the case) until you have been able to ground yourself, is probably the best solution. He may wish to ask who he is talking to so he know which insider is interacting with him (so he can understand where the response is coming from) and he may wish to jot down some of the interaction so you can discuss this later (i.e., what your insiders have said to him). This may help you understand better what is triggering to that insider and what you need to work on with that insider. It also helps your husband see this as clearly a response coming from your insider, gives him some sense of being an active and helpful part of your healing process and gives you a place to start talking to him about your various insiders.

My husband need to be heard in an argument. How can his needs get met?

Absolutely your husband needs and deserves to be heard. The key word here is “argument”. No one is fully heard or understood or hears and understands during an argument. Effective communication can only happen when both parties feel emotionally grounded and are able to discuss the issues with an open mind and heart. That goes for both you and your husband. Is this easy to do – hell no. My insider Victoria has some rip snorting arguments with my husband. But, we know that Victoria cannot resolve the disagreement with my husband nor can he be heard by me when she is out. So, we have to cool down, take some time to ground (both of us – my husband has his own issues with anger and being heard or, as I like to point out – being willfully stubborn) and wait to have the discussion when it is just that – a discussion with different points of view that deserve to be heard and not an argument.

What do I tell him of these parts that don’t like him?

Well, this all depends on your personal communication with your husband. My husband and I talk about everything … sometimes too much I think. There are things that I do not discuss with him. The nature of my abuse he knows generally although I have not told him the details. The general part is upsetting enough to him. And, some of my triggers I have kept to myself because they would be hurtful to him and there is nothing that he can do to change the situation (like men’s hands being triggering for me). That having been said, he does know about all of my insiders. I made an “insider family album” with pictures from the Internet and descriptions of my insiders. I did this for my T but gave a copy to my husband. That way he could get to know all of my insiders on his own time and in his own space (i.e., without me telling him and him thinking that I was looking for his response).

I am honest with him about my relationship with my insiders — which ones I have good communication with and which ones I don’t — and when they are triggered in other situations (i.e., ones not directly related to him). That way he gets to know them and their peculiarities. He speaks to some of my insiders and actually teases one of them. I like that he is building a relationship with my husband-friendly insiders. I think that helps him feel a part of my internal world and also less frightened of my switches. He has also had some great suggestions for how I might build cooperation with some of my more troublesome (read, troublesome from my perspective) insiders. I think that they have heard this and respect him for wanting to help and having good ideas for me, the host.

Is it possible to make a section of this site for supporters/spouses?

I am thinking that Kathy is listening. There is a lot of really bad and scary information out there. This is a safe place for solid and thoughtful information thanks to Kathy. You can trust what she says here both in terms of accuracy, depth of understanding and compassionate perspective.

Wow, what an insightful post, thank you. I appreciate your kind words, as well as the perspectives and experiences you are sharing – both from your experience with DID and your interactions with your husband.

My co-consciousness has grown as I continue therapy, but the deepest, scariest, most scared, and most difficult parts are not fully co-conscious. I guess this is where a clear understanding of DID and the process of healing is really helpful for both me and my husband. If I am not co-conscious, I need outside help. If he is the only one present, it needs to be him.

I have not yet made a family album to share, but I can see how that would be helpful. It is like putting words or a name to something; It distinguishes, defines, and clarifies, which can allow him to have an appropriate action. (Like, “Oh, the angry, rebellious teenager is out now, so this is what I need to do. Or, oh, the self-hurting 8-year old is out now, so this is what I need to do.”) It’s still probably intimidating, scary, or confusing for him.

I’m guessing he wonders: Who am I dealing with now? What do I do? Why do I have to make all of these accommodations? I think this is where our co-therapy will help too.

I agree with the need for a cool down period. He wants that. He deserves that. I just haven’t figured out how to allow it to happen when I am deeply triggered or how to access myself and self-soothe. I guess that will also come as I increase my co-consciousness. I recognize some things will take time.

But these conversations and experience-sharing raise my awareness. I will share this information with my husband too. I think he will feel cared for and supported as well.

I am glad that I could help a little bit here. We are all a work in progress that is for sure and we know that building a solid marriage is a life-long commitment. My husband and I have lived together for 39 years and still we hit bumps, potholes and a whole lot of rocky weather on our journey together. And, I was diagnosed with DID just four and a half years ago so having this understanding of me has put a whole new perspective on our relationship as well. As my husband told his T, he just thought that it was PMS all of these years. I guess that he did not realize that that should have resolved itself when I went through menopause … hahahaha. Needless-to-say, I would really like for my husband to have a forum to talk with other spouses as well. He says that I am his gem and that he loves all of my facets. Indeed, my DID has provided me with a way of being that offers interest, challenges, fun, quirky ways and an insatiable imagination that my husband loves. I overheard him tell a friend a long time ago, I never know who I will be waking up to every morning but I know that my day will never be dull with her. This was long before my DID diagnosis!!!

Your DID will present unique challenges in your marriage S but it can also provide some fun, interesting and imaginative times as well. Try and have some good times with your husband and your insiders. My husband takes my one boy insiders for walks in the woods, has set up a work bench in the basement for him and another of my boy insiders and takes my one little girl shopping for silly stuff.

I also have a very strong protector part, that doesn’t like my husband and wants to be independent. It is hard having those extreme feelings, because the rest of me does not feel that way at all. We are very attached and appreciative of his love and support.

I haven’t told my husband about different parts, although we have talked about dissociation in very general ways. I know he is aware of my parts, in his own way, because he has nicknames for the different parts. And when those parts come out, he starts using his nicknames for those parts of me.

When my angry, protector part is out, humor works to disengage her. She respects witty, smart, and even sarcastic ( but not too much so she doesn’t feel attacked) humor. It almost always disengages her. I think because she respects that in someone, when my husband uses that kind of humor to lighten the argument, she responds positively and dials things down. Is there some trait or attribute that your angry part could like or admire or respect in your husband that he could show to this part to gain her respect?

My angry part is not warm and fuzzy and I know she wouldn’t respond well to compassion and warmth. That feels like a trick or set up to her. Maybe sometime in the future, but that is not something that would work at this point in time for that part of me. And, like you, I’m not sure my husband would be able to provide that in the heat of an argument.

I also recommend leaving the situation if things are too hot. I have worked to be aware of how I feel just before my protector comes out. I have learned that there are signs. And when I feel or see the storm clouds on the horizon, I disengage and go to a private place and let that part rant and rage and work with her to develop a plan, so that the issue is addressed, but I am doing it, not her. I sometimes, if I can, I tell my husband, before that part comes out, that I need to think about something more before we talk about it anymore because I need to work things out internally. And we talk about it again later. Sometimes we have to repeat this process numerous times to get things resolved, but I think he appreciates this approach because my angry part is not being so disrespectful to him. He gets to be heard and so does the angry part. And I become the mediator. It is hard work and I’m not always on top of things so it doesn’t always go as smoothly as I am describing, but it is the goal.

I haven’t told my husband that my angry part doesn’t like him. Although I am sure she has!! I guess I feel like the confusion and conflicted feelings about my husband is internal work that has to be done inside of me within my system. Once we get issues settled and resolved inside, things usually get resolved on the outside with my husband in easier and healthier ways.

Yes, this is helpful, thank you! Although you haven’t talked specifically about your parts with your husband, it does sound like your husband is intuitive about them, and he can engage and interact appropriately/as needed with them. I appreciate this insight. ME + WE mentioned that her husband is doing this as well.

I can see this type of interaction (i.e. my husband interacting knowlingly and specifically with my parts) as being beneficial. I have actually felt hesitant about this, but I can see the benefit – each of my parts is different, each has different needs. A relationship can’t be built with my entire self, with my system, and my husband if the trust and appropriate interactions are not occurring with them.

This is one of the things I will ask my therapist about and (I believe) we will be doing in joint counseling. Reading what you and ME + WE have described about building the relationship between your parts and your husband, provides me with some guidance and insight and will help me to open up more.

Here are three more items I would add to the list in this article for spouses of someone with DID. There is a common thread to these items – recognition and acknowledgement:

1. Your partner with DID may not be able to fully meet your needs during arguments, triggers, or with certain alters, but take the time to recognize and acknowledge all of the other ways your partner does meet your needs and fulfills your life (Does she/he cook for you? Is she loving, gentle, fun, and embracing at other times? etc.) Acknowledge these moments and actions for yourself to be aware of, but also acknowledge them openly to your partner. Thank him or her.

2. Recognize that your partner with DID is probably struggling deeply and frequently. If he/she is in therapy, s/he is working very, very hard to make changes – extremely difficult changes. On the surface this may not seem like a contribution to the relationship, but it is a significant contribution. S/he is working hard for herself AND for you. Recognize the changes, the improvements, the small steps, and, like #1, share those acknowledgement. “I’m proud of you” goes a long way.

3. Identify and list your needs and then sort them. Share your greatest, most important need from your DID partner and discuss it with him or her. Determine if it can be met, how it would best be met/ways it can be met, and when. Some of your partner’s alters will be able to meet that need, and other’s not. Understanding this is important. Recognizing, accepting, and feeling gratitude for when your need or needs are being met by your partner is really important (this goes both ways actually).

I’m a system. As is my boyfriend. That’s what drew us together, actually, the fact that we both shared a serious traumatic childhood and our systems began to bond very tightly. We’ve survived a lot together. We’ve been through an ex-friend who faked our disorder to manipulate us both and make us feel awful about ourselves. It almost drove me to suicide at one point.

Although we’ve been close and our systems have bonded so tightly, we’ve run into a problem. He’s formed a new alter recently. This alter not only ignores my system, but has formed a romantic relationship with someone outside of my system, without ever asking permission. He only asked after he had entered said relationship, and I felt forced to say yes. Its been a few weeks now and we’ve already almost broken up twice. He threatened to kill his body to one of my alters after we confessed how uncomfortable we were. It still sticks strong in my mind what he said to us. “If I can’t be happy, then neither can you.” I think about it every day when I wake up, every day while I’m working. It rings in the back of my head whenever I think about my partner system. I love him so much, I can’t imagine a life without him, but since this new alter formed, that life we were planning is beginning to fade within a matter of weeks.

I feel like I should explain why this bothers me so much, despite also being a multiple.

My system has viewed ourselves as monogamous for a long time. I don’t want to get into detail on what made us that way, but it isn’t a choice for us. So when we began to date our partner system and one by one began to build relationships, we began to consider them our sole partner.

An alter of ours, King, developed romantic feelings for someone outside of their system, but as soon as we all realized, we felt this horrible feeling that it was cheating. It was a manipulative, abusive, cheating thing to do, so he quickly cut off contact with that person. They haven’t talked in a few months now, and King remains entirely single, as he has no romantic relationships with our partner system.

Initially, we thought this would only apply to us, but then came the slap to the face when that new alter became romantically involved with another.

Now I feel cheated on. I feel hurt and angry and confused. I don’t want to feel this, but its upset us all, only one of my alters could make friends with this new alter, and even he experiences resentment on occasion, though he’s better at bottling it up.

I don’t want to resent my partner, but if I speak my feelings, his alter threatens to commit suicide. He’s also become the new default/host of his system, so sometimes its a fight for me to get to any of his other alters.

I know I shouldn’t blame him for his existence, but I feel like because he’s here, he will either get what he wants, or kill himself and all of his alters. That’s the mindset he’s spoken to me, and it hurts.

We’ve always been open with our partner system. More than anyone else. We’ve never been comfortable sharing our sketchbooks or our phone or laptop with anyone except for them. Not even our Netflix account! But them? They have access to all our things, and they have given us access to all of theirs.

This new alter has revoked access.

He has secret password protected apps for communication with his new partner, he turns his phone away from me and regularly lies about who he is talking to and what he is doing. He sends me away by lying and saying he needs to sleep, since he works night shifts, but then I find out he stayed awake to talk to his partner until they went to work, but he went offline and ignored me when I got home.

My partner has always asked me to text when I get home. Since he formed, I hadn’t heard that until I tearfully pointed out that they hadn’t said it in over a month.

He’s taking over and I’m having everything I’ve been raised on turned and conflicted against itself, until nothing makes sense anymore. If I don’t respect his feelings and rights as his own alter and person, I’m being controlling and overbearing. But, if I allow him the freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants, I’m left on read for days on end, or I’m stuck with this sick sinking feeling that my partner is unfaithful to me and no longer loves me.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make this make sense, its far too complicated to understand, and its taken so much searching to find anyone that can help. Please help me decide what to do, its really starting to hurt.

I hear your pain and confusion and I so do not want to add to your troubles here. My gut reaction here is that your boyfriend is playing you. Yes we are all multiples and that means that we have insiders that say and do things that we are not necessarily comfortable with or like or in control of. But, ultimately, we are still responsible for everything that our insiders do. So, to my way of thinking, your boyfriend is VERY responsible for being unfaithful to you. Having created a new alter to do the dirty work does not take away from the fact that he is cheating.

Now, what you want to do about this is really a hard decision that you will have to make. When the new alter is not in executive control is when you need to have a serious and frank talk with your boyfriend about what is going on and how this makes you feel. If he has created a new alter to see other women then it may be some issue that he is having with your replationship. If you do not want an open relationship, I cannot see that that may be possible right now. You may have to take a break away until he sorts out his stuff.

I am so sorry to have to say this Charlie but I really feel that I have to tell you truthfully how I feel about this.

I’m so glad you said this. I wanted to write something like what you said and found I couldn’t find the right words. You did a great job. I agree with you.

Charlie,

I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now. I hope you find some peace. Having a dissociative disorder doesn’t negate responsibility. I agree with ME+WE about your S/O playing you by using another part to date another person. I hope you can get it all worked out. Take Care.

I was wondering if you could shed light on better supporting a partner who does not have DID, but Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. One part has briefly shown themselves on occasion, but I’m not sure it’s in the same way as in the case of DID. Nevertheless, when that happens, should I treat my partner as her own age, or as the age of the part showing themselves? Specifically, should I suggest an activity the part might enjoy to help calm them? (The part often comes out in angry crying fits.)

In my opinion yes ,you should treat and except the age that is presented at the time. When giving age-appropriate actions they can learn. It takes a lot of time and effort to except what’s in front. Y’all always see your partners body. So you will need to work hard to see past that, look at the actions to determine the age that are standing in front of them. 8/30/18

First of all, thank you for asking this question. Already you are helping your partner immensely by learning what you can do to help! We are not trained experts here (except for Kathy and Laura) but we have learned from experience in the trenches of DID (and Other Specified Dissociative Disorder).

I agree with Missy. It is important to treat whoever in your partner’s system is presenting in an age appropriate fashion. If a little one is presenting, then by all means treat your partner as if she was that age. You see, in her mind she is. Treating her otherwise could really confuse the situation for her.

If she has switched out, something probably caused that switch. So, it may take a bit of sleuthing on your part to try and figure out what may be causing the switch so you can avoid that in the future. This is something to think about after you have dealt with the switch at the present.

While it is happening, yes choose activities that she likes to do to help her calm down and get grounded. It is important to ensure that she not hurt herself or others first and foremost. It could be that she is having a vivid flashback so you will have to tread carefully. Distracting her with activities that she likes should help immensely. My therapist keeps a stuffed dog in her office for my little ones when they switch out. When they get upset about the past, she gets them to hold the dog. The idea is that the dog was not with me back when the trauma took place to help me ground in the here and now.

Some Kathy articles that may help:

When the Painful Past is the Painful Present
30 Tips for How to Help a Child who is Hurting
20 Types of Dissociative Splits

Just comfort her. Partner can work on making a safe place inside for that part. Like a visualization. Partner could write it and you could read it to the little one.
Thing is, its important for little one to be heard, at some point. But also, she needs to only come out when its appropriate and safe. You don’t want to over encourage her and have her popping out all over until your partner is ready to deal with her on a deeper level.
You could comfort and have part go to safe place. Make it nice with comforting animals, blankets, whatever works for her.

I have to “work hard” to hide “my” stuff from hubby….he is a “just get over it” guy and retired and most things fall into MY plate to deal with….I don’t have enough “time” and he has too much and will “mull” over things….I cannot add HIS stuff onto my plate as well….I try to throw out hints that I am getting “overwhelmed” but then have to “back off” if I start seeing anxiety in him….I cannot “carry” him as well as my own “stuff”…..I struggle with work AND struggle with home….the only “space” I have to try to “feel real” is when I am driving alone or am at my T’s office……

The fear of “failing” in my “jobs” (work, home and as a “wife”) is always in my face….so I “hide” as much as I can so no one will know that I am “failing”….but that is getting harder and harder to do…the “failures” are piling up…..getting a lot harder to “deny”……I don’t know what will happen to me if I “fail”……all the “losses” (job, home, marriage) will then be MY fault….what do I do with THAT?? Would I even “survive” it?…..What are the consequences of “failing”? I don’t want to find out……

A “tip” for a spouse??? Wish I had one….it is hard to “explain” what I don’t “understand” myself yet……

I am a little behind in my responses here but I really wanted to make sure that I got caught up with you. I read your posting here about your husband and feeling like you have everything on your shoulders and you are afraid of what would happen if you did not keep it all juggled. I am so very sad that you are not able to share what you are going through with your husband. Not everything but enough to ease the tension and pain a bit. I do hope that you have friends that you can do this with. You certainly have friends here.

I am so on that same page a lot of the time MissyMing … especially now. There is a huge bunch of stuff being dumped on my plate now and I am not sure how I am going to juggle it all. A lot to do with health issues with my husband and then teaching this summer. Just a lot of responsibilities to handle. It is hard when you have so many internal responsibilities to juggle as well. It sometimes feels like the smallest request of our energies is monumental.

Know that whatever we are doing it is what we need to do. It is not a failure to struggle and not get it perfectly right for everyone around us. What we have to do is try and do what is right for us and hope that it is welcomed or at least respected by others.

Thanks for understanding, Me+We……so sorry you have a plate like mine…..having a “world” of Inside stuff along with Outside stuff is not easy – I feel “exhausted” while my Outside self must keep at “high speed” with a very physical job (at MY age!)…but I keep reminding myself that a “physical job” helps to be an “outlet” for all the Internal energy that goes on in working through triggers and a super-sensitivity to “undercurrents” in Outside life…….

I also work to try to “remember” my hubby’s perspective….that even though while I am “hiding” that I feel like I am on the “verge of collapse”…..my hubby thinks he has made a HUGE contribution to my life by fixing me a piece of toast before I leave for work or making sure I have my water bottle with me…(that was NOT meant as “sarcastic” in ANY measure – that IS his perspective….)….I have to make sure I don’t “minimize” his efforts to “help” me…..I also deal with all the errand running before or after work (since I am already out of the house)…so I TOTALLY get your saying “It sometimes feels like the smallest request of our energies is monumental”………If hubby adds one more thing to the grocery list (with our financial struggles) or for me to stop by a particular store for him – I have to go “numb” because Rage wants to explode (NOT good) or “overwhelm” is bubbling in the background…..

LOL … “If hubby adds one more thing to the grocery list … or for me to stop by a particular store for him – I have to go “numb” because Rage wants to explode (NOT good) or “overwhelm” is bubbling in the background…..”

OMG … I did indeed laugh out loud because this just so rang true for me. My husband’s obsession with adding things to the grocery list (because we are getting down on beans because nothing less than 6 cans in the cupboard are good enough) drives me nuts! hahaha

My husband is wonderful in all ways there is no question of that. But he cannot possible know or understand the struggle that I have each and every moment of each and every day to cope with the chaos in my head. I cannot describe it to him in a way that he could possibly understand and I do not want to burden our life together with the trauma and fallout that I am dealing with. It is not fair to him and it certainly is not fair to us for the evils of others to make our life so difficult.
So, I take on that responsibility. I feel like I am the one who brought this stuff into the relationship so I should be the one who take the burden of dealing with it. And, that is okay … it is “my stuff” to deal with … he cannot do that for me. But, it is just that a tiny grain of sand more stress in my life, even if that is having to go down another aisle in the grocery store to pick up more beans, can be a mountain of struggle for me to cope with.

Oh ya … we need a holiday MissyMing … reminder to self to get a lotto ticket!

Yeah, Me+We….Hubby can only give according to the amount that he knows about “my stuff”…..and I have given him as little as possible because I am still trying to understand this myself…..he tends to mull and worry – which does not help me…..so having so much on my plate is bottom line my fault….

I am very aware he cannot “fix” me and knowing his tendency to feel a need to “fix” stuff – I cannot put such an impossible task in front of him…….I know I am very confusing for him – one time I can watch a TV show….then another time I have to leave the room because I cannot bear it……I can be very “inconsistent” which he gets frustrated with….he doesn’t understand why I am STILL going to my counselor after all this time….”haven’t you worked through your stuff about your ex yet???” How do you explain “flashes” and “waves” and nightmares and “Inside people” to someone who is prone to deal with only concrete stuff…..

So – we get through each day as best as we can…..him doing the best he can to go with the flow of my quirks and me unable to explain the why’s of how I am…..but we are still hanging in there together after all these years….just wish it was a smoother ride…….

Curiosity question….anyone have any ideas on how to deal with a situation where your spouse gets angry if you don’t “talk” to him about what you are struggling with…(i.e – triggered by massive sense of vulnerability and panic which you are trying to hide – so you end up being “silent”)…..but, when you “talk” to lessen his anger – then he becomes angry that you keep letting stuff (that makes no sense to him) “bother” you…..you should be able to just “ignore” it all……How do you help them to understand when they get angry about what you say?…..

You face anger because you won’t talk – but then you face anger because of what you say when you do…..HUGE Catch 22…..He knows when you are trying to “side-step” the issue – so you can’t go THAT route, either……How do you “talk” without “saying” anything?????

Dunno. Maybe just say. This is me. This is who I am. I get triggered sometimes, I am inconsistent sometimes. It’s nothing to do with you. There isn’t always a reason that I am able to explain. This is just me, who I am. Everybody has their blind spots, or odd quirks etc, but that’s life. We accept our loved ones as they are.
You do not have to explain yourself.
Sometimes you just need to be left alone. Sometimes you might want a hug. Sometimes you just want to be distracted.
But you have a right to be silent. Hubby needs to not read his own thots and worry into it. Just allow silence.
So you get triggered. Ok. That too shall pass.
And as you learn new ways, you will be better able to let them pass.
I ramble.

So what does one do when an alter is abusive and half the system is claiming the spouse is abusive? I’ve been told I cheat on alters, I killed people in their head and I’ve been screamed at, hit and thrown to the floor… suggestions? Im not all that fussed by these things but how do other people handle the constant onslaught of being told you do things wrong, and didn’t jump through all the hoops they demand to avoid every single trigger day in day out? I lost my husband when the amnesia walls came down and everyone below has had issues with me… we loved each other, I cared for him and now he’s gone, those memories are I don’t even know where and it’s all just an aftermath of fear.

Well, maybe a whole lot of internal meetings or somehow communicating.
Maybe there’s one who is good at mediation and can help.
Noboddys all right bout stuff. Or all wrong. Going to take some sorting thru.
Hope you can find a good solid therapist or something.
Not easy work inside, but worth the hard work.

Thank you for this thread. There are indeed very few resources for those of us who love those of you with DID systems. My SO’s alters are primal, and mostly express with hostility and rage. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, it’s a protection mechanism, but it still has a deep impact on me.

How do I deal with it when a mundane marriage argument, me getting stressed about something, but being annoyed, not abusive, not yelling, turns into him leaving the house in an abusive rage, refusing to speak to me on the phone, texting me only that he’s sleeping somewhere else and doesn’t want to live me me anymore?

How do I communicate with that alter and create a space that encourages and makes my husband feel safe enough to come back to the surface?

How do I determine safe boundaries for myself, while trying to keep our marriage (with kids) together.

Let that alter do his/her thing, support them in a way. Do they have a seperate space in the house that’s just for them… a safe space that you have no powerbase in? Perhaps you can even suggest to that alter when they show up to go hang in their hidehole room and shut the door, put on some rage music n yell sing till he’s feeling better. It sounds like it’s just really hard to process what’s going on and it’s frightening your husband to the point he calls for backup. It might seem like a regular spat to you (and to the rest of society) but it isn’t to him so that’s what you have to work from. Avoid shaming his fear and help his protector do his job and it should go better for both of you. He might still panic and bail but the time he’s not fronting will shrink if you can do those two things.

Thank you for this article, I just found out my fiance has DID and I want to make sure I support them as much as possible. My only concern is that this is a very “pro-separatist” (apologies for lack of better term) article, which doesn’t seem to recognize any individuals who may be seeking integrative therapy. Though my partner is still just accepting the fact they have this disorder, and that we have no idea what therapies they may even consider, i feel a bit worried that I might worsen the issue by pressuring them into a “separatist” stance.

Hi Kay,
I can see how you might have read this article as having a “pro-separatist” slant to it but actually that is not what Kathy is talking about here. It is important to know that, Kathy does not promote any one approach to healing over another although she does speak to integration not being the only option. This is important to those of us with DID who do not wish to integrate as there has been a great deal of pressure in the professional community to do so in the past. So, I can assure you that there is nothing in the articles that Kathy has written here that speaks to any agenda for how DID healing *should* take place. She offers solid, knowledgeable, compassionate, sensitive, challenging and caring thoughts here based on decades of working with folks with DID.

That having been said, I am rather putting the cart before the horse here. This particular article speaks to how you can assist your fiancé in their healing process and to develop/maintain a healthy supportive relationship with them knowing now that you have the diagnosis of DID in the mix. As I read your posting, your fiancé is newly diagnosed and has not chosen a therapeutic plan yet. So, you are just starting out and that can be a really confusing and scary place to be. Kudos to you for seeking out information about DID, wanting to support your fiancé in the best way possible and for reaching out and connecting with us here. Educating yourself, asking questions and seeking support for you and your fiancé is exactly on target!

Now, if I may, let me try and interpret this article a little bit for you as a person with DID and one who has been partnered for over 40 years. Your fiancé has been diagnosed with DID. That means that they have endured serious trauma as a child that led to the creation of alters. A child’s mind is not yet fully developed as they discover their place in the world, who they are in relation to others, that everything does not revolve around them (think children who blame themselves for their parent’s divorce), etc. Children also have an ability to create dissociative walls. This actually is a wonderful, creative and smart tool for children to survive traumatic events. The child who is out front is kept away from the traumas that the alters take care of so they can function.

Let’s take a simple example here. Maybe daddy comes to his daughter’s room at night and molests her. Other times daddy takes out his anger on her and hits her. But, that child needs to have a relationship with daddy, maybe even loves daddy when he is not molesting and hitting her, needs to go to school and do other daily activities. To cope with what is happening, the child creates others (alters) to take care of the bad times. So, one alter may be the one who is molested and another alter is the one who gets hit, one alter loves daddy, one alter holds the anger for what daddy does to them, etc. Any number of alters can be created to handle the bad stuff. The thing is that the child who may be doing all of the everyday living has no idea what traumas the alters are taking care of. Those memories are held separate and away from the outside child so that they can function.

You probably already know all of this. But, the point is that your fiancé already has alters. Recognizing this fact and engaging these alters (you and your fiancé) will not change the fact that they exist. Actually, until your fiancé acknowledges and accepts their insiders, they cannot heal. One has to know who their insiders are, what they do, what triggers them, what traumas they hold, what functions they serve, etc. in order to heal. You cannot heal something that you are not willing to see, understand and accept. And, I dare say, since your fiancé is just starting out on this journey of healing, there are no doubt alters that they have nor met yet and a whole lot of traumatic information that needs to come out from behind their dissociative walls.

So you see, Kathy is not promoting a “pro-separatist” point of view. Rather, she is acknowledging that folks with DID have alters that need to be seen, heard and helped. One cannot be whole unless all parts are found and healed. That means engaging them as they are now and not forcing them to be gone so one can feel integrated. So, for example, a child alter needs to be treated in an age-appropriate manner so that they can feel safe, heard and cared for. Then they can heal and perhaps grow up and integrate. Right now, that growth and integration has been stunted by trauma. It is important to see that and work with those parts as they are now to find out what traumas they have taken on, what role they fulfill and how best to help them not be stuck in the traumatic past anymore.

A final thought here. Do not worry about whether or not the ultimate goal of your fiancé’s therapy is going to be integration or not. Personally, I have chosen a model of communication, cooperation and co-consciousness for myself. To me that is integration — having my parts work together as a whole. Your fiancé is just starting out. There is a whole big journey ahead before you get to whatever end result you are hoping for. Please stay in touch here. Kathy REALLY knows what she is talking about and those of us participating here have compassionate understanding to offer about living and healing with DID.
ME+WE
03/30/20

A tip for a spouse…..please don’t throw it in my face that I am saying something different this time than I said last time. I know it is confusing to YOU…but you are confusing ME!…..Whatever I said last time obviously made sense to me then….what I am saying now makes sense to me now…..I don’t know why I could watch (numbly) an animal predator show with you last time….and this time I cannot bear to be in the room….I can’t explain it….I don’t know why it is different this time….I am where I am……

Also, when my “brain quits working” and I can’t find something….after I find it, please don’t keep treating me as if I had only “one brain cell”…..So what if I just spent hours looking for months of “lost” tax receipts – AND thank you for helping me ….sorry that I didn’t remember that I had already organized them and they were sitting in a file beside me….I didn’t NOT remember on purpose….why would I deliberately create so much stress on myself….I think I just have too much on my plate……

This just sounds like your partner needs to learn more about DID. It’s bloody frustrating to deal with when you don’t understand it if I’m to be candid. Being a survivor is hard, being a partner is hard too so its from both sides that it’s just way more complicated and hard. Acknowledge that’s the trauma inducing people’s fault, blame those asshats. You, your system and your partner are on the same side.

It gets way easier when you know what and why things are happening so spend some time learning together.

Yup, Kathryn….I totally get what you are saying…..it WOULD help all around if he understood….I just have to get through my fear of telling him….#1 – it is hard to explain when I am still struggling with it myself……#2 – I still have no “concrete” memories – if I find my “flashes” are “wrong” – it would already have destroyed his perception of my family who he considers more HIS family than his own…..#3 – In earlier years, I HAVE tried to talk to him about my “struggles” – his declared perception is “it’s water under the bridge – just get over it” – which of course shuts me down…….#4 – 2 years after I married him I found out I was his 5th marriage and his 4th wife (he married one wife twice – his cousin spilled the beans to me – communication obviously not a strong suite with us)….his reason for not mentioning the others? He didn’t have kids with them so he didn’t think they counted..(HIS words)…one of those wives was DID whose personality shifts messed him up…..so NOW….here I come into his life….I am afraid of triggering him and her being projected onto me….something I do not want added to my already full plate….

We BOTH have a lot of baggage that is thrown into the mix of all this…..YES!…my goal IS for us to be “partners” in all this…but, I figure I need to get my feet under me a bit more so I don’t sound like a big, confused, “don’t know what I am talking about” mess when I do “spill the beans” to him….the fear of him getting triggered and “emotionally abandoning” me is definitely in my face…he DOES try to do simple, nice things for me – but because he is significantly older than me, he is VERY dependent on my “strength” to get things taken care of…..him seeing my “strength” crumbling would definitely rock our boat…

My current counseling sessions started out 10 years ago with the two of us for “marriage problems”….it quickly shifted to just me for “trauma – dissociation problems”…..so the ball is pretty much in my park right now….but my progress feels horrendously slow – NO fault of my T….just me “fighting” it…..

I truly wish the “learning together” would work for us – but I also see it requiring an overhaul of our marriage – making me more dependent on him – and him less dependent on me….something that neither one of us know how to do yet…..

But, all in all, Kathryn – Thank you for reminding me of my “goal”!!…… I am aiming for there! (I know…I tend to “spew”….it is my way of getting “stuff out” so I can see where I am at…otherwise it is just a big tangled mess Inside….)

I have been with my partner for 10 years now. I knew he suffered from childhood abuse and has DID as a result, as well as OCD and depression. Lately he has told me within the past year or so that he feels he has not been himself. I am concerned for him as he has been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, he’s had insomnia since he was a child. He has been to a few psychiatrists in the past, and has been on an SSRI for years.

Currently, I only know for certain of one other distinct personality, though as time goes on I am wondering if there may actually be more that are less defined (perhaps even to himself). The one personality I am aware of is the “protector” which only seems to come out under times of extreme stress or anger. I do not believe that I have ever encountered this personality completely, though I have seen his face seem to change and his voice when he is upset.

Over time, I am beginning to realize how little I may have understood about his particular disorder, as well as how to best assist him. I try to listen whenever he talks about how he is feeling, what he has experienced in his past, and of course do what I can to show him that I care. There seems to be a sense that I can never do anything right and when I think I am doing something helpful or kind, it is then forgotten later. There is a persistent chorus throughout the years of “no one helping him”, “no one listening to him”, etc. I can assure you I have watched myself, family, and friends of ours attempt to help in their own ways though out various stressful life situations. If given the chance to refuse, offered help will be met with an insistence that he does not need anyone’s help. It will sometimes be acknowledged and then later seems to be forgotten as if it never happened.

There had been a period about 5 years ago when we were both experiencing serious illness and losses in our families, where he would disappear for hours while I was at work (I was working a different shift at the time), once coming home with a bump on his head and broken glasses from what I was told was a physical altercation. This sort of thing has not happened again since. There are some things that do not always seem to add up in stories, as well as a fixation on certain people, places, and things in the past not directly related to his abuse.

There is also without question a very young side of him- he will collect things such as stuffed animals, books, movies, etc. that are more appropriate for a child. We both do, and will often draw together or create some sort of elaborate story about made-up characters.

Although he is extremely intelligent, creative, funny, and one of the hardest-working people I have ever met, he can be VERY cutting and very cruel almost in an attempt to repel others. We have select few friends and often I am hesitant to introduce him to new people if they are not individuals he has invited out with us himself. There is also a lot of difficulty in our sex life and though it has always been there, it is not getting easier. I no longer initiate sex, as I prefer to wait until he does on his own terms. When he is upset, he does not want to be touched. This can be difficult, as I come from a family background where hugs are given even if we are mad at each other.

I am sorry, I know this post is long. There is just so must that I guess I thought I understood, but recently am feeling frustrated and stressed and may be more demanding than I should be in times where we do talk about how he is feeling. I know he is trying to find a new psychiatrist, but it is VERY difficult for him as his master’s degree is in psychology and so he has very, very high standards when seeking treatment.

If anyone can offer any more personal advice for me as a spouse, I would appreciate it. I believe he is worth the effort and that our marriage is worth the effort, I just feel as though I am getting somewhat burnt out and may really screw things up if I do not try to change my approach or educate myself better. I am diagnosed as bipolar which can exacerbate some things, as well.

Oh, my Beth! He is so lucky to have someone like you in his life – you see more than you realize – I think it is that you just don’t know what to do with it….. I strongly suggest that you read through Kathy’s articles and read through the blog posts….people share so much about what they are going through and it will teach you a lot about his perspective of situations…..

YOU are an eye-opener to me…..It is sometimes hard for us to remember our impact on others when we ourselves are so “lost” in our “triggers”……

Three things really struck me in your description of him – the Rage/Protector part, the “persistent chorus” of “no one helping him” and “no one listening to him”, and the sex part…..

I definitely get stuck in the “no one helping or listening” mode…..it feels VERY real to me and I have finally traced “the thread” of it back to a “flash” that I have not been able to process yet…..of standing in a clearing, abandoned by someone who should have protected me, not knowing what is about to happen – but knowing that it is BAD….the “flash” ends there….but SO many present day situations will trigger off that “feeling” of not being truly seen or heard (i.e. – valued) and I get “lost” in it…..I know that when YOU are trying to “hear” and “help” him it must feel like you are banging your head against a wall…..Maybe he can trace his “thread” back to a specific “memory” or “flash” so it doesn’t feel so vague and persistent in the present…..I haven’t found the way to process my flash yet – it is still part of my journey….but being able to “pinpoint” the source of the feeling helps me to find some kind of dividing line between the “past” and the “present”…..although it is still a struggle…At least my feet is a bit more under me…..

The Rage/Protector I know must be scary for you – and probably for him, too….I know mine is “scary” for me….Mine triggers when there is a strong sense of not being “heard”….also when Rage thinks I am being taken advantage of (or manipulated) and I am not doing anything about it…he seems to be aware of young parts and is not about to let them walk through being “taken advantage of” on the Outside again….But I am also very aware that what is actually happening on the Outside is not to the same “degree” or same “type” as what “he” is seeing on the Inside…..Rage HAS turned on me (rough) when I “chose” to stay “clueless” to what he was saying….It is scary – but maybe Rage can find a way to have a “voice” for what he is seeing “Inside”……That is what my T is trying to help me with…….

“Repelling” others is more like a “protective” measure – reject before you get rejected because you cannot bear the thought of possibly “seeing” your worth rejected again…plus mix in the probability of him already having rejected himself for the things that happened….It can be a big tangled mess to sort through….keep remembering that he is coming from HIS perspective of situations which involves a HUGE dose of Inside stuff…..

The sex part….my hubby is a “toucher” – needs some type of physical contact….me – I am an “it” and feel safer with “space”…….As I am walking through the living room hubby holds his hand out and I HAVE to touch it when I go by – repeated tries until I get it “right’…Clashes can be bad….and Rage wants to step in to protect me because hubby is not “hearing” me…..I cannot go to bed at the same time he does – too much panic at the thought of it….If he wakes up when I crawl in and gets “touchy” I feel deep hysteria and have to find some “legitimate” way to get space…like “I gotta go to the bathroom”….If he gets too close to me I feel claustrophobic… I can’t remember the last time we “kissed” because I cannot bear his face so close to me…..I have to find ways to control my “panic” so it will not look like “rejection” to him….but it is hard and I am running out of ideas….I have no answer for “How long is it going to be like this….?” I don’t know….I only know that if I try to “push” through it too fast or too hard I will probably bottom out bad….which is NOT good…..I have not found any parts who “like” sex and cannot force it on the ones who are terrified of it….so I am “stuck”….I have to try to find other – even little – ways to let him know I am not rejecting him – that I am just having a hard time at the moment…I will get him an extra treat that he likes…or something special for a meal….or information on something he is interested in…

I don’t know how to explain to hubby that I am not “fighting” or “denying” HIM – I am fighting something that is somewhere in me….some kind of ghost of a memory that I can’t put my finger on……and he is caught in the middle of it….

Beth, I think you are AWESOME – and I understand you getting “somewhat burnt out”….but the fact that you think that he and the marriage is “worth the effort” speaks volumes…this is a major marathon – your hubby needs to keep seeing that YOU think he is worth the effort – because he probably doesn’t feel like he himself is and obviously the abuse “proved” he had little “value”….now prove him wrong……

Again – read through the articles and the posts – I think it will give you a lot of insight and ideas for your situation….And hopefully you can find a therapist who can really help…..

Hello Beth! This is MissyMing. We wanted you to know that we heard you. We are hoping that someone who can help you better than us will come across your post and step in. We still have a lot of struggles ourselves. We know that it must be hard on you and we really admire how you want to understand and learn. Please keep reading Kathy’s articles and all the comments from others here – it will give you a lot of info. We hope ya’ll can find a good T to go to to help both of you!

I can’t really imagine being married to a person with full on DID.
The alters can change and evolve over time.
I would think it impossible to ever sort it all out.
I used to be higher on the dissociative spectrum, but now am not.
I think part of being on the spectrum, for me, was that I tended to ‘fly by the seat of my pants’. I never was very scheduled, in fact being scheduled was very stressful. I am thinking it was because of the chaos in my head-I never knew how I would ‘be’ at any given point.
I dunno, but I am wondering if you just take how your husband ‘is’ at any given point, and relate accordingly. Don’t overthink it. Just react accordingly.
Maybe this is oversimplified. But the whole DID thing is so complex to deal with. I just can’t really imagine.
I think it’s likely up to your husband to ‘do the work’ of attaining decent internal communication, and, with the help of a good therapist(who is a good ‘fit’ with challenging alters) work through stuff with the most disruptive alters.
Ok, I got to go. Bless you for sticking with this relationship, but if it ever gets bad, save yourself.

Couldn’t help but chew on the “if it ever gets bad, save yourself” statement…..As much as I cringe at the idea of “abandonment”, I also get what you are saying….If it ever gets to the point that you have given it everything you’ve got and there is nothing left of you, and you yourself are on the verge of losing yourself and your own sense of sanity – then I agree. SAVE YOURSELF! As messed up and dysfunctional as I was I tried hard to make it work with my ex – but he had issues I never could get a handle on…..I felt head-gamed, manipulated and used by him no matter how hard I tried to “understand” him and be what he needed me to be….His triggers were triggering my triggers – what a mess…..When I ended up sitting in my truck alone and just screaming out of sheer frustration and emotional pain – it finally sunk in that it wasn’t going to work….I had to “save myself”……

Yeah – I had my own “stuff” (which I didn’t fully realize) to work on while I was trying to help him with his – but when it clashes…it clashes….save yourself…..

My partner has alters that are cruel, condescending, vicious and nonstop. I can recognize them in a heart beat now. One, I will call her E- damn that girl and I went rounds, I ended up not befriending, but gaining a mutual understanding that she could not “ out bitch” me. My husband doesn’t even know when he switches sometimes but I can tell. I’m not saying I can tell all the time but usually I’ll stop for a moment look at him and address the altar by name and then that alter will get a sliy smile on their face and just be like “oh you’re good”. I simply respond with “no, you’re just obvious”. Some of his more vicious ones that are pretty unrelenting I have been able to get to go away by identifying them, telling them I will not deal with or speak with them as I am not married to them and they are living in a time that is past and are damaging my husband by hurting me. I’m not sure how healthy that is but, also when it got has gotten really awful once or twice I called for another one of his moderator altars – his first split that he knows of and she and I are pretty good friends. Lovers in fact ,and when she can she’ll come and soothe the situation. I Interact with the alters that I know as if they are the very different and individual people that they are, I am always mindful of the fact that they are who they are because he needed them to be that way but it doesn’t mean that I have to tolerate the abuse. Although I would never try and pull an alter out against their will or for petty reasons, if I am desperate I ask if she can hear me if she’ll come and help me and sometimes she does, sometime she doesn’t. She and I have actually got into a couple fights over her not intervening with He has made some extremely bad decisions that she knows God damn good and well that I would not be OK with and stood by without advising him the way that she does sometimes and has throughout his life. It’s hard not to get resentful of her sometimes when it comes to that but then I have to remember that she’s been in this relationship with him longer than I have so I guess she’s got seniority She has told me that she had to let him be him and that all the alters love him and will do whatever it takes to protect him whether or not I agree. My husband doesn’t have a problem with that, as he doesn’t remember much when the vicious alters are out, And I have told him that there has been at least one time where my strangled screams For her help brought Her out. He Will suddenly turn the way he does when he’s looking inwardly with a look of “what the hell , why didn’t you tell me about this” to her so I guess I’m not always the one that’s left out of the loop. Her response to him is usually something along the lines of “it would only have hurt you to tell you and I took care of the situation”. It would be nice I’m sure ,if every system had someone like that however I do realize that she’s not my rescuer though she has saved my life at least once. I am grateful for her on so many levels though. It seems to me that for every alter that is a disturbance, there is two that are 1 million times worth having to deal with the difficult/ dangerous ones and I have to remember that he wouldn’t be him ,nor would he be here if it wasn’t for every single one of them ,even the ones that hurt me. The funny thing is is that I buy Christmas presents and try and make sure that I cater to the particular peculiarities of each one of the alters that I know about. The one that decided to make me a friend out of anatomy so to speak decided that when I actually bought her a Christmas present that was only for her. She was touched in such a way that it formed a connection where she understood that I saw her and that she was an individual and I didn’t resent her, but again direct honest communication with alters that you know I feel is creaky and critical especially the ones that are mean. I never let a disparaging comments slide even though that means that my husband and I fight a lot. Unfortunately for him, as long as I’ve got the fight in me to stand up to the people who are being cruel to me because they’re imitating the people that are cruel to him it means that I’m still fighting for him just like I always will

What does one do for a partner when altars die while inside. This one worked really hard for months to evolve and be useful to his head friends, fronted for a few days, we argued a lot, I could handle quite a bit but this time I was overwhelmed (we have had serious problems with each other before) and then he’s gone, killed off in the headspace. They have lost a friend, am I to blame? I feel like I am. Is this anything anyone has experienced. I don’t know how to help them through when I feel responsible. Wanted to be friends with everyone, this is heartbreaking.

Hello Anon!…We wanted you to know that we heard you….We are hoping someone will understand better than us and can help you….We have not experienced the loss of an alter like that and can hear that it is heartbreaking for you….guilt is hard…..We hope things are better for you today….our heart is with you….

I’m going to preface this post with pre-apologizing if any of my terminology is offensive or “off” to anyone with DID or loves someone with DID as addressing this head on is new territory for me and I admit there is still a great bit of ignorance of terminology for me.

I have been pretty honest with myself for a long time, though a clinician just diagnosed my wife with DID, I have noticed the different personalities split off for most of the 7 years we have been together. She is also bipolar, so the comorbidity of that can sometimes really challenge her as well as our marriage and other integral relationships in her life. The majority of the personality she splits into is angry, defensive and downright difficult to communicate with, but also a very vulnerable and scared child. I could be wrong, but I believe much of this is triggered by past partners who were physically and emotionally abusive. Her childhood was full of abuse of all kinds, and we are open and honest about the traumas we have each endured to better help and communicate with one another. So far she has begun to tell me the name of the child personality “S**” and I asked easy questions to get to know her. I have gotten a notebook and attempted to decipher what I see in terms of the personalities just to help myself be accountable for where she is and who is present. Much of this is to better know when, what to, and what to not communicate. I admit I can be pushy sometimes and I know that I will have to be more cognizant and back off when I see certain traits surface, this diagnosis has been an odd few of relief, almost as if I am not so insecure of the “i hate you, i love you” flip flop.

I found this site and I felt like my wife had written it, as she has tried to verbalize a lot of this but had trouble explaining how and what she was feeling. I believe she has a good prognosis and seems less defensive in her communication with me since everything has been laid out in front of us.

I do struggle with the personality who gets bored and began a dating app. This has only happened once, and in the past month—this is a nonnegotiable for me, and I need to be able to communicate this effectively. I know that my wife, at her core, truly loves me and wants this or I would NOT be here. We have a great life together and she expresses that she does not know what she did to deserve me, but i feel the same as I can decipher the “true” self. Her therapist knows of this and is requiring weekly visits to ensure that she can help her work through some traumas and triggers. When we discussed this situation, bcause of this factor, I have expressed that these weekly visits are a nonnegotiable portion of our marriage.

My wife is a really dear and sweet person who seems, at times, tormented by the actions of her other personalities

Wow Al….I must say I am envious of ya’ll’s ability to try to communicate clearly with each other…you being able to state – with respect for her – what is non-negotiable and her trying to explain how and what she is feeling….

I am not MPD but do have dissociated parts who can stir up havoc in my Outside life by causing a LOT of confusion and panic in perspectives…..Having someone “safe” enough to try to “hear” me is so crucial…I take even tiny baby-steps of “trust” with much “guarded-ness” (unless I have “shifted” and gone into “babble-mode”) and anything that looks like I am not being “heard” will cause me to retreat and lose the ground I had been trying so hard to gain…..

Your even making a notebook to help you know the “do’s and don’t’s” for the different personalities is amazing….she surely must know that you are trying to “hear” her…..I am glad you are getting less “insecure” with the “I love you…I hate you” flip-flops….My hubby says the “I love you” (i.e – “I love you to pieces”) words VERY easily…it flows out of him like a river – a river that I have NO idea what to do with because all I know is that it scares me…..I was able to say those words in the beginning of our marriage – but increasing triggers have taken that away from me unless I am in a disconnected mode and it comes out of my mouth because that is what I am “supposed” to say…..Growing up afraid of an angry father has caused more emotional damage to me than I realized – and the repercussions of it are bubbling in ways that I never anticipated….I made myself believe that I didn’t care…that none of it mattered….but obviously surfacing parts DID care and are needing to be heard of how great the impact was…my mother’s attempt to “explain” him was “He beats you because he loves you and wants you to be good”….MASSIVE conflict to a child’s perspective….. I am trying to find my way through the maze of that conflict….”head” rationalizes and dismisses – “parts” DON’T…….

I am so glad that you have “eyes to see” and to try to keep focused on the “core” her as she plows her way through processing all that she experienced…..it is hard and confusing for you….AND also for her….but, to me, you sound like a good “team” in spite of all the turmoil…..

In MY opinion – the non-angry, clear “non-negotiable” aspects are important….maybe parts of her may be angry or want to fight against them…but if she is ANYTHING similar to me, KNOWING what is expected of her is important – to have a clear, unchanging direction that she can try to feel safe in….For ME – that is one of my great triggers at work – inconsistencies in rules and expectations will trigger havoc in me – leaving me confused, vulnerable and very afraid Inside….which is HARD – and impossible to explain to Outsiders….I get termed “un-flexible, paranoid, defensive, a perfectionist who thinks she does better than anyone else” and an all around “someone with issues”…..All I can get out in such times is “I am trying to feel safe” which, of course, gets taken ALL wrong because all they can see is Outside and that nobody is trying to physically hurt me…..

Living an Outside life that is GREATLY impacted by an “unseen” Inside world is NOT easy and takes a very special person to stand by you and walk with you through it in ways where you can LEARN to consistently “feel” “safe”…..It sounds “to me” like YOU are that “special person” for her…..

I can only give what I myself have experienced – hopefully I have encouraged you in some way…..Keep taking deep breaths and learn all that you can….hang in there!

Hey AI this site has been a Godsend to me as a spouse. I recommend joining the forum as well both you and your wife. That said, reading your post sounds and feels so familiar. My husband has alters who also do incredibly hurtful things including sending himself pictures from my phone photos and facebook of my 20 yr old daughter for fantasy fodder- an activity that horrifies my husband when confronted with it. This alter, I am sure is a protector who is a relationship sabotuer who wants me gone. I am actually planning to ask about this in the non-public forum as there have been many instances where I am accused of things I did not do and eventually find evidence of it being done by him, only he claims to not know what I am talking about and is genuinely upset about somethings. In every instance, despite proof that I am innocent of his accusations or that he is indeed the perpetrator of Actions such as the photos he is angry defensive and accuses me of using his DID as an excuse to blame him for everything. It is defeating to say the least. I wish you luck.

I married a guy with aspbergers. We are getting divorced now. I am pretty much integrated now I think and I can no longer tolerate his selfishness.
But the point I want to make, is that it worked well when I was more diss. He was all about himself for the most part. I was mostly left to my own devices.
It was ok.
Aspies seem very narcissistic (they are), but the huge difference is that they often mean well, it’s not malignant.
Aspies are often very honest, which I really like.
And my husband, despite his being a poor life partner(once I integrated), it not a bad guy, eternally cheerful, gets over his snits very quickly.
So he was company without being intrusive. He did not notice or care if I was a bit different at times. As long as I was useful to him all was well, and he was company. Worked at the time.
Just was thinking about this.

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