32 Things every woman should do in a bar at least once. NOT.

I stumbled upon an article recently that went on and on about all the ridiculous things that supposedly every woman should do in a bar at least once in her lifetime. The article left me feeling somewhat uneasy; I’m not sure if the woman who wrote this was serious or just being silly and ultimately joking about it all; perhaps a little of both. Either way, I intend on going through these one by one, outlining just how ludicrous and obnoxious almost each and every one of these would be in real life.

“Throw a drink in someone’s face”

Practice on your friends, so that you can ultimately perfect your aim in throwing a cocktail at someone’s actual face without missing? First of all, it’s not that hard to miss; you shouldn’t need to practice; especially not on people whom you consider your friends. Second of all, if you’re upset with someone, use your words; don’t waste alcohol. That’s absurd.

“Dance on the bar”

Just because girls in Coyote Ugly were able to get away with it doesn’t mean that ‘every woman’ should attempt this at least once in her life, or ever in fact. First of all, no respectable establishment would ever allow a drunken hot mess to get up on the bar top and dance. Not only is it a huge liability, but mainly no one wants to see you squat and flip your frizzled hair as you spill your fruity cocktail all over yourself. If you want to dance on the bar, do it at home; because yes, it is very much annoying to everyone but you and your friends.

“Sticking it out ‘til closing time and winking a lot” isn’t gonna get you anywhere with the bartender. First of all, winking is more ‘creepy’ than anything else. Second of all, there is a lot of cleaning up that takes place after everyone leaves and chances of the bartender letting you sit at the bar past closing time are slim to none. Also, as you’re making out ON the bar (because evidently it’s far less amateurish than making out AT the bar), if you’re worried about the irony of catching a disease from “the gross bar and not your hook-up buddy”, then perhaps you should rethink your attempts of taking the bartender home in the first place; dirty bar – dirty bartender.

“Accept a drink from a gentleman”

If chivalry is in fact dead, then the whole concept of accepting a drink from a “gentleman” automatically ends in the crapshoot. Face it, chances are the drink is in fact coming from the “creepy dude in the corner”, and if you accept said drink then you accept the invitation to have a conversation. Why on earth should every woman subject herself to this at least in her life? No thanks.

“Send a drink to a gentleman”

If you’re already sitting next to said gentleman and you’ve already exchanged words, and you decide to take care of a round of shots then by all means, buy the gentleman a drink. However, if you see a guy at the end of the bar and randomly send him a drink, that is nothing if not a blunt invitation for sex. So when he comes by to say hello, you can’t just be like ‘Hey buddy, back off, I just wanted to be nice and send you a cocktail’ – men’s brains don’t work like that; they’ve probably already pre-jizzed twice in their pants on their way over.

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Only a mentally instable person would do this in public. So every woman should act mentally unstable at least once in her life? Please. We do that enough as it is without ‘pretend fighting’ at bars.

“Yell ‘Hold me back!’ because you’re actually about to fight. Because maybe it’s time you learned how to land a punch.“

I stand corrected; this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, who fights in bars anymore? And if you are in fact about to “land a punch”, why would you yell “Hold me back!”? Just do it and get kicked out already so the rest of us can continue enjoying our time.

I guess I’ll allow it; been there all too many times to speak against it. Shooting the shit with the bartenders afterhours, taking shots and talking shit about the shenanigans that some patrons cause during the day is one of my favorite activities. The fact that it’s usually followed by experiencing “the deep shame of walking home as the sun rises and people give you strange looks as they walk to church” is just a bonus. So yes, every woman should do this very thing at least once; assuming of course she can hang and not bring the party down by throwing up all over the place.

“Play trivia”

I’ll allow it. Trivia can be fun.

“Take over the iPod from the bartender by flirting”

Chances of you bombarding the playlist are slim, but if you manage to do it, whether by flirting or just being friends with the bartender, you should definitely not repay the favor by refusing to play any music, yelling “We’re playing the Quiet Game” and enforcing it strictly so everyone has to sit in silence. That will not go over well and setting that as one of your goals in life to do at least once is super childish, not to mention annoying.

“Drink for free all night”

Free drinks are great. If you can manage to drink for free without being a scumbag then all the power to you. Leaning over the bar however and putting your mouth directly under the tap while the bartender isn’t looking is ill-advised. Only a person with zero manners and morals would do that.

Oh yes, this is very lady-like. Why don’t you seal the deal with a loud burp too?

“Make a friend who you only ever see at your bar”

Interesting… So you should befriend a stranger but limit your conversations to only the things that are in your immediate surroundings? I mean, if they’re a “ghost” and they “don’t exist outside of the bar” then what would the two of you even talk about? What a weird concept to have a “best friend” but not care if they’re alive or dead, or a vampire if they’re not on the bar stool next to you. Wouldn’t you want to hang out with your best friend all the time?

“Say “no” to a shot”

I’ve met women that should say “No” to a shot more than “at least once in their lifetime”

“Unless it’s a pickleback. Those are amazing.”

Wrong again; picklebacks are gross. Definitely say no to those.

“Make up a fake identity”

I’ll allow this as well. Role playing with strangers can be quite exhilarating, but you should only do it if it’s in good fun; not to majorly fu*k up someone’s life and take them for everything they’re worth.

“Stay sober and watch the grossness unfold”

Why would you ever want to come to a bar and stay sober on purpose? We drink so that the grossness that unfolds isn’t as bothersome as it would otherwise be. This is a horrible suggestion.

It is my personal belief that if you like someone at a bar enough to want to make out with them, then leave together. Making out in the bathroom IS gross. I don’t make it a habit to check out dudes’ bathrooms but I hear that missing the toilet is a popular activity. It’s nothing compared to the ladies’ rooms however… Ladies be gross when they’re drunk at bars and the bathrooms very much reflect that.

“Make out with a celebrity D-List or above. Look-alikes are fair game. Also professional clowns or mimes.”

Right, because D-List celebs are always hanging around the dive bar joints with gross bathrooms and sticky bar tops… Yes, of all the things to say you go to do in a lifetime, getting escorted out for sexually harassing a semi-famous person is definitely up there.

“Laugh in a dude’s face at his terrible pick-up line”

That is a horrible thing to do to someone. A guy comes up to you, demonstrating affection and giving you a compliment and you open your giant trap and let out an obnoxious laugh? We get that you’re untouchable and you just wanna sit there and not be bothered by strangers but do you have to be a rude asshole about it? And then you follow it up with an “I love you” and a meaningful touch on his face before you “slink away” so as to confuse him? That’s not only pure evil, it’s also incredibly stupid.

Okay so wings and nachos are off limits, but somehow every woman should “at least once” try pickled eggs, shrimp flavored chips and hand rolled cigarettes? I didn’t even know that ‘hand-rolled cigarettes’ are a food item, but the pickled eggs that float in a giant jar on the bar top look disgusting and you shouldn’t eat them unless you lost some sort of a horrible dare.

“Slap a dude”

“Angrily or flirtatiously. Your call” – You’ve got to be kidding me. Ladies, do not slap dudes. They don’t like it, and contrary to what you may think it doesn’t give you power; it just makes you a bitch that nobody likes or respects.

I’ll allow it, except for the part where it’s suggested to be reading a book titled “How To Marry For A Green Card When You’re A Sociopath”. While it’s a funny title for a fictional piece of literature, it’s somewhat unnecessary. Even if a guy does decide to come up to you while you’re reading, you can just advise him that you don’t speak the language. After all, you are in a foreign country; there’s no need to pretend.

“Order a fancy cocktail at a dive bar”

That’s dumb. I constantly advise people against this. There’s a time and a place for fancy cocktails and a dive bar isn’t it. “Sit and watch the bartender become increasingly agitated” – fuck off.

Ugly bridesmaid dresses are a thing of the past; the only other time they’re featured anymore is in movies. So on the off chance that you do have a “stupid bridesmaid dress” buried somewhere deep in your closet and you’re in need of a fun drunk project then perhaps you should follow this advice and show up at a bar with a pair of scissors, asking strangers to cut off a piece. Though I must be honest, this too seems to be the kind of thing that only happens in movies. If a drunk chick came up to in fluffy pink monstrosity of a dress, holding a pair of scissors, I’d probably switch bars sooner than the words “Help me destroy this thing” could come out of her mouth.

“Have a Before Sunrise moment with someone you’ll never see again”

Yeah, and also write your number on a dollar bill and throw it into the universe hoping that faith will make sure it lands in the hands of the one you may or may not be destined to be with… Don’t leave the bar with this person no, no; just “connect on like, a super-deep level” and then pop out some twins ten years later right before you decide to get a divorce. You’re right, every woman should do THAT at least once in her life…

“Watch the World Cup and day drink”

I’ll allow it.

“Throw your underwear in the trash”

What’s thrill in disposing of your underwear? My underwear is expensive so throwing it in the trash is the last thing on my mind. I guess maybe if you accidentally bled all over your panties when you forgot to put a tampon in; then yeah, you should throw your underwear in the trash. That shouldn’t be a goal though; you shouldn’t set out to complete this task “at least once in your life”

“Sing karaoke”

I’ll allow it.

“Order a Sex on the Beach”

Ordering a Sex on the Beach and accompanying it with a “long, slow wink” is lame. Doing so, and then giving it to a random dude, telling him it’s a Pink Squirrel before retrieving it and splashing it in his face is borderline retarded with a side of neurosis. What you’re saying is basically ‘every woman should act like a complete moron in a bar at least once’. No thank you, I think I’ll stay on the sane side of things.

So, in conclusion, 32 poorly constructed suggestions later we have a total of 5 (maybe 6, if you count saying “No” to a shot as one) that would hold up in real life. Everything else should be avoided with a 10 foot pole unless your goal in life is to either get food poisoning, get arrested, appear to be a psychopath or to simply make a fool of yourself.