ways in which this baby is trying to kill me

I actually had a pretty good week. I’m still exhausted and surviving nap-to-nap (so forgive me for remaining absent from life and social media for a bit longer), BUT I think I am starting to get a handle on how to manage my sleep schedule. Mostly it involves laying down at 8 p.m. for the first micro-nap and then proceeding through the night as before.

THAT BEING SAID. My son was clearly conceived with murderous intent.

Witness the scheming look on his face.

WAYS IN WHICH THIS BABY IS TRYING TO KILL ME

1. First he tried to accomplish the deed from within my womb. He pummeled my gallbladder into submission– a sneaky tactic, but I figured out his plot in time to take corrective action. After two trips to the emergency room to investigate a mysterious, rhythmic, debilitating pain, the doctors turned up gallstones. The verdict: restrict fatty food intake, especially the morning cream cheese that sparked these attacks, or else risk emergency surgery around a swollen uterus. Joke’s on you, baby! I’m going to have that organ removed before I have another child, so she’ll have to try something else!

But really, I don’t think I can ever forgive him for the cream cheese. I love cream cheese. As soon as the gallbladder is out, I’ll probably eat a whole brick of it.

2. Next he attempted to stop me up on his way out. He couldn’t just give up easy and come into the world, oh no. He had to cling with all his might to the inside of my cervix (laughing, no doubt!) and doing his best to force a c-section. Well sucks to your assmar, kid, the miracle of modern medicine includes something called a VACUUM PUMP. I hope you enjoyed your cone-head while it lasted, because you cannot defeat me. I’m stronger than you and I weigh the most.

3. Lastly (SO FAR) he tried to destroy me through an old-fashioned bacterial infection. Specifically mastitis, aka infection of the boobie. But I knew what it was, and after a day of living feverishly I hauled myself to an urgent care and acquired the necessary antibiotics. This attempt was feeble– on my guard against his schemes, I caught this one early enough to avoid the rock-hard abscesses and burning sensations which sound so pleasant to nurse through.

So do your worst, baby! I’m cleverer than you and I have health insurance.

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P.S. Shout out to modern medicine, seriously. It is slightly alarming to think that all of these things, solved pretty simply nowadays, would have meant my death not too long ago (and still would with lack of access to health care). Pregnancy and childbirth are still the leading causes of death for young women in many poorer countries. And basically in every country through the history of time until the last few decades of medical advancement.

P.P.S. Oh man, while looking for a citation on that, I also learned that (at least a few years ago) the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the U.S. was… murder?? And then according to Wikipedia, this isn’t unusual because murder is the second-leading cause of death for women in their early twenties anyway? I’m going to stop looking into this, it’s too grim!