Day Three

Today is the third day of my Chantix program. This last time I used it , quite a few years ago, it worked fine. Now I have this strong urge to keep smoking. Yesterday was my birthday and I honestly have no Idea how old I m. It’s not than I’ve ever lied about my age. It’s just that my memory has been getting worse over the years. Every year my boyfriend, whom I was with for 32 years, always told me how old I was. Sadly he passed away two years ago.

I have one biological son who is 40 and I’m 17 years older than him, but he’ll turn 41 January 1st so I think that makes me 58? Hey thats not bad. My son will be 41: I have 5 grandkids, the oldest is 21 or 22 (and made me a great grand mother twice already) I have a kinship adopted son I got when he was 8 days old. He’ll be 10 on December 18th.

A little about me might help you understand my problem on why it’s hard to quit smoking. For one, I’m Bipolar. I actually hate that word. I take enough pills to start my own pharmarcy. Blood pressure, thyroid, diabetes….on and on. When I go tho the pharmacy they give me my scripts in a box-lol. My mother lives with us! I hadn’t seen the woman in 20 years when she lived in Arizona. No letters no calls. When she came back she went to my sister Robin’s in Mass. But apparently things didn’t go right there and I was the only one left for her to call. Now the woman has 7 grown kids. I was the only one that would take her in. That was such a big mistake. She has my son so spoiled and he actually don’t even like me. Chance is border line ADHD, and he has problems because his mother did all kinds of drugs through her whole pregnancy. He was born addicted to cocaine and heroin and what ever else she took.

They told me I would have problems with him growing up.He’s been in therepy since he was 2. He spent two weeks in a phychiatric hospital when he was 3. Now he’s on a low dose of medicine for the ADHD. Thanks to my mom he won’t listen to me, do anything I tell him at all.. I take his computer away and wrestlers to punish him and my mom babies him. I don’t know what to do. If this keeps up I don’t think I’ll be able to quit smoking.

Well since I hadn’t written very much on here as I had planned, and I totally went off the topic: which you find me doing quite often. I have a very short memory. When my Doctor told me It scared me. I asked him if I was getting early alzheimers? ( I don’t seem to have a spell check on here ) But he assured me I was not. Just forgetful. Huh? So it’s ok when I lose everything, when I walk into a room and can’t remember why. When you right down reminder notes and loose those? I have three calendars to remember my appointments, and everyone elses so I don’t make appts on theirs. One I carry in my purse, one one wall right in front of my face, and my mom keeps one.

Do you know how many appointments I’ve missed? Too many. Maybe I’m not one of those person who are made to be a non smoker. I bought two of those vapor cigarettes and I buy the filters when they run out. I use those for places I know I’ll not be able to smoke. Hospitals, buses.. You can see the green tip and know it’s not real. But I really get a kick when some smart person comes up an tells me to put it out. I kindly tell them what it is, take a deep drap and put the tip on my hand. So cool!!

You’ll find that I really have no purpose in theis journal. I write whatever pops into my head at the time. thata’s why you’ll find my writing goung from one subject to another. There was something in my head I wanted to write about and I got distracted. Now I remember. This has simply nothing to do with anything but’s it’s absolutely funny.

I was looking on the internet on how to make large pores smaller with home remedies. I found one that looked really simple an d great. Unfortunately I didn’t write the instructions down. It was just so simple. water, vinagar, honey, and baking soda. I took everything to the kitchen and got out a jar. I put the honey, baking soda, water and vinegar. can you guess what happened. I forgot what happens when you mix baking soda and vinagar. Like a huge volcano erupting in my kitchen. Thank goodness I was close to the sink. Even I had to laugh. What did I do wrong???? I went back to find the video but it was gone. oh I forgot I added egg whites. I found out one thing. Vinagar is a good this for itching, I have abad ras on my arms and rubbed it on and it worked!!! Maybe I’ll make my on video? Later