A blog by Not Your Average (evil) Stepmom

I never wanted kids

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Because I know it will come up sooner than later, let me go ahead and address the elephant in the room: No, I don’t hate children. Just because I have never wanted to get pregnant and give birth, and just because I have never wanted to raise children of my own, it doesn’t mean I hate kids. Many of my close friends have kids. I’m in my mid-30s, this is the time that women are getting serious about whether or not they’re going to have kids and are becoming really aware that time is running out. I love all of my friends’ children. They’re cute, I enjoy looking at photos and videos of them on facebook. I enjoy that I don’t have to potty train them, teach them how to be functioning human beings, and desperately try not to f*** them up. I get to buy them cute outfits and give them back to their parent when they need a diaper change. It’s a win-win in my opinion.

I love dogs, and the bonus is with rescue dogs they come already potty trained! I have tons of maternal instincts but they tend to be directed toward dogs and adults in need of help. I work in a hospital, so I get to direct all those mothering instincts toward adults that need it. It doesn’t really bother me that I’m not with the mainstream when it comes to that. I know it’s just as hard for people who have always wanted kids to understand why I don’t. I have just never had the desire. I guess if you really want to you could say that I’m missing something important but I think that there’s a variety of things that make us good people. Being a great parent is one of them, but it’s not a requisite. I wish I didn’t feel that I had to say all this, but if people start to find and read this blog I have a feeling that it’s going to come up. Part of the reason I decided to start writing about this is that I couldn’t find a lot of people who shared my perspective. Like I say in other posts, I know I can’t be the only person in the world in this situation though. I don’t hate kids, I just don’t want my own.

Autumn 2016 – Hi, I’m Stephanie, and I’m not your average evil stepmom. When I began this blog, I needed an anonymous way to express my feelings about my relationship with my boyfriend’s children.

Now, several years later, I need a place to vent about what it’s like to “coparent” with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and probably Borderline Personality Disorder as well. Basically the most toxic, dysfunctional, selfish human being I have ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with. There are lots of great resources out there for people who are divorcing a narcissist and/or have children with one, but 99.9% of those are women divorcing NPD men. In my case, the ex-wife of my now husband has NPD and they have two children together. A lot has changed over the past few years, but what has stayed the same is that his ex-wife is a pathological liar who cares nothing for anyone but herself. I hope that this blog can help support other people who are trying to co-parent with a narcissist.

I hope that this will become a place where we can all talk frankly about our fears, our hopes, our victories, and our mistakes. Not just me but you too. Please comment and interact if any of this resonates with you! If you would like to learn more about me please visit the About page. If this is your first time here, that’s a good place to start. Thanks for reading! ❤

I want to explain the phrase “child-free by choice” that I use on my “about” page.

That is a phrase that women who don’t want to have kids have adopted for ourselves, because “childless” sounds like you’re reproductively challenged or some such. Is it odd that a woman in her mid-30s doesn’t want and has never wanted kids? Not to me. If it offends you, you probably won’t enjoy this blog much because you’ll decide I’m a horrible selfish person. I can be selfish, but so can anyone. There’s definitely nothing wrong with me in that regard. I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother growing up and we have had a strained relationship since I’ve been an adult. I love my mother, but she also never wanted kids but changed her mind. Although she would never admit it, I think deciding to have kids was a bad choice for her. Don’t get me wrong, I am very glad I exist! But she wasn’t really emotionally equipped to raise children. She did the best she could, and I appreciate that. I have had a lot of therapy to become the wonderful, well adjusted, functioning person I am. I don’t think I’d be very good at raising children either. I made what I believe to be a responsible decision to not have children of my own. My one sibling has made a similar decision.

It used to be that if someone had children, that was a deal-breaker for me. I didn’t date people with children. That seemed like the wisest choice given I have no interest in raising children. I didn’t want everyone to get hurt. I also have been honest with romantic interests that I don’t want to have children. For those most part, this has not been an issue. When it comes to love however, it’s impossible to always be sensible. When I met Sebastian, I wasn’t that interested in him at first. We met online, like many modern couples. He told me about some difficulties he’d had in the past, and that he has two kids. He really put himself out there and I respected that. I told him that for many reasons he wasn’t someone I’d consider dating but that we could be friends. As it turned out, the more we talked the more I really liked him. His kids were about to move twelve hours away to another state with their mom, so I decided to give it a chance. Several years later we are married and this is the most healthy, loving, wonderful relationship that I have ever been in. We respect each other; we communicate really really well; we are supportive of each other; we share important beliefs and practice the same religion; and we genuinely love spending time with each other just as much as we did when we first met.

So I realized if I loved this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him – I needed to have a relationship with his kids. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that or not, but I knew that being with Sebastian meant being an important adult in the lives of his kids.

This was originally part of the “about” page but as I change the focus of this page I split it off on its own.

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You Are Not Alone

Many people have healed from the abuse of a narcissist, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Visit my Resource Page to find links to many websites with true life stories of people who have moved on and live happy lives. Many of those websites are written by survivors themselves!