January 20, 2015

I don’t know where to begin with this, so I’ll just dive into it.

I am so sick of it. It’s gotten so bad that at any mention of “relationship” I cringe, immediately tasting the acrid pool of retorts well up in my mouth. The replies are kept in check by my better judgment, and thank God I’ve learned to tame my tongue and tip toe around words. No, I’m not bitter or jealous or any variation of those in the least, but 3 years of these horrors have been more than enough for me. This is most definitely going to be caustic and judgmental, but it’s what I do best so here we go.

I hate the way rationality is thrown out the window and left to dangle there on some wire so it’s not altogether missing, but is absent when most convenient. It’s especially infuriating when I say anything because I might as well be talking to a wall. It’s like their heads have popped off but their bodies keep running around, arms outstretched for whatever they intend to catch. “Attention! A boy! Gimme gimme!” No no, don’t worry about it -keep knocking things down. That’s fine. No one likes interference or opposition, right? In the end, they’re going to do what they intend to do. I just didn’t know that that’s where my influence as a friend ended. I could leave it there and say this is the story of how I keep losing my best friends, but I won’t because this issue runs so much deeper now.

I think attention to detail is critical. I understand there are some things that should just be natural, but the “let it all hang” attitude is irresponsible and affects e v e r y o n e involved. I don’t begrudge them happiness, truly, I do not. It’s the insanity that I absolutely cannot abide, namely doing things you yourself know are wrong and know don’t make any sense, out of your own experience. I’ve been abandoned because of a boy A has known for barely 3 months, for example. Can I really put it past B and C to do anything just as rash as this? Moving in together, for example. What the hell. You KNOW exactly what but yeah, just go ahead and ignore everything and just flush it down into oblivion to die. What do I know, right? Maybe this will be okay, right, if you’re super careful?

I am so thankful that the dating question never surfaced at the family gathers this past winter break because I might have let a few stinging words escape. It’s all done for me. Whatever God is planning, He’s gonna have to drastically change me and/ or the guy is gonna have to be one hell of a guy. It’s going to take a lot for me to agree to go anywhere near the mess my friends and former friends have dragged themselves through. Mom says to watch what I say because one day all this hate is gonna bite me in the butt and I’ll have to deal with the consequences of being a giant hypocrite. In the folly of my youth I say bring it on.

It sucks when you suddenly stop being a priority, like you just disappeared. Perhaps this is all egocentric, and maybe I’ve taken on the role of their mothers. Maybe I just need more love and less judgment. But is it that easy to separate myself from their situations? I might as well start making new best friends if I’m going to do that. How do other people deal with all this? That might be the million dollar question that summarizes the entirety of my undergraduate years.