Thank you for reading this, your majesty. Your poop is as reluctant to meet the world as you are. You're a self-confessed snob and accept nothing less than the finest of everything. From a young age, your delusions of grandeur were apparent, as you demanded your parents at least purchase mini American flag patches so you could stick them onto your clothes to give the illusion that you could afford Tommy Hilfiger garments. These days you're rarely seen without a mink or taupe nail, complete with a Prada bag (with the price tag still on) and a generous spritz of Tom Ford.

You're fairly predictable and on top of things, as far as both life and pooping goes. Friends consider you a reliable Rita, who rarely breaks a promise. You're very law-abiding, the worst thing you've ever done was keep your thumb over the expiry date on your student card at the cinema to get a cheaper ticket. Clothes and makeup aren't a huge priority for you, and there's very little you won't smear on top of a Digestive biscuit, you big legend. One time you did a poo so impressive, you wished there was a social media platform where you could anonymously share it. Maybe call it Shitstagram?

Your poop represents your life in the sense that you are a fucken snake. Your skin is flakey, your tongue splits in two at the end, and if you bite someone they will probably die within 10 minutes. You cause havoc on planes and for some reason always seem to carry a ladder around with you. Nobody trusts your deceitful ways and rightfully so. You once blamed being late for school on the bus driver, which got him fired and left his hospitalised alpaca for dead since he couldn't pay the medical bills. Cop on. Sake.

Pet are you feeling ok? Something has gone awry here and we need to get to the bottom of it. There's a lot going on and you, my love, are absolutely not coping with it. You've possibly just finished Stranger Things on Netflix and are unsure where to turn, you might've just heard about Liberty X's split, or maybe you've had seven coffees and a Red Bull, which would turn the hardest of folk into cotton wool. Do me a favour and mind yourself? Get some solids into you and plenty of fluids. Go on, be good x