The K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-Being Vulnerable

Posted: September 5, 2015

Vulnerability. Some men run from it and most women secretly crave it. For some people it leads to anxiety, and if there is shame involved, it can actually plummet to disconnection. But in order to have healthy, vibrant relationships in marriages and friendships we have to be open and vulnerable. This freeing revelation came to me in a comical moment in a fashionable women’s clothing store.

I was enjoying the 50% off the last sale price moment when I heard this conversation behind me. One woman said: “I really like it, but it’s too tight on my top. You know I think as I grow older my bust is growing bigger.” Then my head whipped around as I head the sale clerk’s response.” That’s right, they do grow bigger as we get older. In fact the three things on our bodies that keep growing are our busts, noses and ears.” I chuckled out lout and turned to the sales clerk and added: “So that explains it, now I know for sure that one of my ear lobes are gotten longer. And here I thought that it was just the big earrings I wore all these years.”

We all have a belly laughing moment, and we felt this instant understanding and connection. When I got home I discussed this my husband Jack, and we have another roaring round of laughter as we talked about the changes in our own bodies.

Being vulnerable opens the door to our hearts. We are all imperfect people struggling with fears, insecurities, failures and afraid of looking stupid. But if we want to fully experience loving, acceptance and belonging we have to be willing to talk about the ugly stuff, the things that hurt us or shame us: You have to start some conversations like this:

“Because my daddy always put me down and made me feel stupid, when you talk to me like that in front of other people I feel diminished, hurt and unloved.”

“I sense that you are looking at pornography. We need to talk about this.”

“When you spend your entire evening on your i-pad, I feel like you love the i-pad more than me.”

“I really feel fat, please help me to eat healthier.”

“I feel overwhelmed and tired, and I feel depression coming on.”

“I was sexually molested when I was eight, and I really struggle with our sex life. Please try to understand and help me.”

“If we keep spending like this, we are going to be in serious trouble.”

Vulnerability laced with love and honesty opens the deepest and most beautiful places in our soul. That’s what marriages are all about. Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly[1] unpacks being vulnerable in a way that will transform every areas of your life. In order to have healthy marriages, we must be willing to be vulnerable.

[1] Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (New York, NY: Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 2012).