This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Condescending attitudes tend to push people away. Condescension may take many forms, but in general, it involves talking down to others and acting as if you are more intelligent or more important than they are. This kind of behavior can cause someone to end up friendless, and thus, lonely. However, by remembering to put others first, practicing humility, and monitoring your body language, you can overcome any kind of behavior that seems condescending. You can learn to put others first and practice humility by actively listening to what others have to say, and by considering other opinions. Additionally, when interacting with others, speak at a normal pace and avoid engaging in impatient body language.

Steps

Method1

Putting Others First

1

Listen more. Instead of dominating a conversation by talking all the time, try to listen more to others’ opinions instead. Don’t just listen, but actively listen to what the person is saying. Focus on understanding the point that they are making, and take a few minutes to digest the information. While they're talking, listen, rather than formulating your answer. Then, provide an adequate response.[1]

For example, "So what you are saying is that by being a vegetarian you are also being environmentally conscious. That is a very interesting point. I never thought of it from that angle."

Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact with the speaker, nodding occasionally, and asking clarifying questions once the speaker is done.[2]

2

Give others credit. It is normal to want to feel good and give yourself credit for an accomplishment. However, chances are that you did not accomplish it all by yourself. There is always someone, like a friend, family member, mentor, or coworker, that helped you accomplish your goal by supporting your efforts.[3]

Take time to give your supporters the credit they deserve. For example, “I worked really hard to get into law school, but I could not have done it without the support of my friends and family. They were always there to cheer me up when my motivation was low.”

3

Consider other viewpoints. Always acknowledge other viewpoints in a positive manner. Defer judgment by allowing the speaker to finish what they are saying, and by not interrupting with counter-arguments. You gain or add nothing by attacking the speaker or by putting them down. When it is your time to respond, be honest, open, and candid in your response.[4]

For example, "That's an interesting point. However, others argue that dogs, especially pit bulls and German shepherds, are not inherently aggressive. Instead, it depends on their socialization and training. What do you think about that?"

4

Lend a helping hand. Instead of feeling better because you know how to do something better than someone else, feel better because you helped someone be better. By helping others, you will be able to make lasting friendships.[5]

For example, if a coworker struggles with their writing, offer to read and edit their writing, and provide insightful feedback.

Method2

Striving to Be Humble

1

Know your self-worth. Condescension usually comes from a place of insecurity and fear of rejection. However, by knowing your self-worth, you can feel more secure about yourself. When you feel more secure, you are less likely to put others down.[6]

Sit down and make a list of your strengths, weaknesses, accomplishments, and failures. By knowing these, you can assess your self-worth and find your inner confidence, as well as humility. For example, one of your strengths could be that you are highly motivated, while a weakness could be that you are quick to disregard opinions that are different from yours.

If you need help, ask a friend or family member what traits they admire about you the most, as well as which traits they think you need to work on.

2

Avoid comparing yourself to other people. Condescension often develops out of envy, and the feeling that you can only feel better about yourself by feeling superior to others. Remember that your life experiences, strengths, and weaknesses are unique to you. Therefore, comparing yourself to other people is unproductive, since their experiences and circumstances are not the same as yours.[7]

3

Put yourself in perspective. If you are good at something or have qualities that you take pride in (e.g. good looks, intelligence, or skill in a particular area), it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you are better than other people. This is called illusory superiority.[8] Recognizing your sense of illusory superiority does not mean that you have to feel bad about yourself or minimize your own good qualities – just realize that many other people possess these qualities as well, and that they do not make you inherently superior to others.

4

Have an open mind. Try to realize that you do not know everything and that your opinion is just that, an opinion. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, and you shouldn’t look down on someone just because their opinion is different. Instead, have an open mind. Look for similarities between you and others instead of differences.[9]

For example, if you have negative views about a religion or a culture, interview someone from that culture. Your intention should be to listen and learn instead of arguing or confirming your suspicions.

5

Monitor your words. Belittling others ruins your ability to work with and relate to others. It also creates a tense atmosphere where others feel inferior while you feel superior. By monitoring your words and actions, as well as others’ reactions, you can be more aware of condescending language, and its effects.[10]

Try to avoid condescending phrases, like, “Oh, you just figured that out,” “Let me see if I can put this in simple terms for you,” “We already thought of that,” or “What she is trying to say is that…”

Instead, say things like, “Maybe I wasn’t clear enough,” “Are you saying that vegetarians are also environmentally conscious?” and “Yes, that is an interesting and valuable point. We are incorporating it.”

Method3

Regulating Your Body Language

1

Speak at a normal pace. Slowing your speech so others can “understand” you better makes the listener feel inferior since it is the way an adult speaks to a child. When you are explaining something to someone, don’t assume that they are the problem. It is more likely that you are not explaining it clearly or correctly.[11]

Try to not refer to yourself in the third person. Referring to yourself in third person gives you an air of superiority. It is something that you should avoid doing if you do not want seem condescending.[12]

For example, don’t say, “She won a prestigious award for her paper” if you are referring to yourself.

Also, try not to emphasize the my’s and I’s in your speech, for example, “MY opinion, is that MY book is the better book.”

3

Level your head and chin. While conversing with others, always keep your head and chin level. If you point your chin up with your forehead back while looking down your nose, you will seem superior. This head position signals that you think you know more than the other person, and that your opinion is more important and valid.[13]

By saying “you should…” someone is communicating superiority. When one person is communicating from a perceived position of superiority, the other person feels they are in a position of less power and that they are being judged. Another way of offering recommendations is to imagine putting yourself on an even power level with the other person by using language like, “If I were in your situation, I would....” or “I wonder what would happen if you did....”

One reason for defensiveness is hearing what others say as a personal attack or attaching your own meaning to what others are saying. Actively listen to the other person’s words. Then, if you feel yourself getting defensive, ask a clarifying question such as, “Am I understanding this correctly…” and then share your interpretation of what they said.
Another reason defensiveness and condescension take over in relationships is because of trust issues or power issues. For example, if one partner has low self-esteem, everything the other partner communicates is going to be received through the lens of low self-esteem. Condescension can be a way for someone with low self-esteem to boost their self-esteem through illusory superiority as mentioned in the article.

Learn to listen instead of talk. Hear what the other person is really saying. The more uncomfortable their perspective makes you, the more thankful you should be for having them challenge your viewpoint so that you can find its weaknesses, address them and be the stronger for it. Realize that everyone deserves airtime, not just your own opinions. Also realize that arguing can become a bad habit, one in which you seek to control discussions and even relationships. Letting go can actually be really liberating and can help you to see the world in a different, more hopeful light.

Talk to your condescending friend about autism and explain that the behaviors they are picking on are in fact part of who your autistic friend is and are a normal expression of that person's real self. Thus, being condescending toward that person reveals a lack of empathy for and lack of will to properly understand the autistic person. It is most likely that the patronizing friend doesn't know anything or knows very little about the ways in which autism is expressed and is measuring your autistic friend's behaviors against their own standard rather than seeing where this friend is coming from. Knowledge will help your patronizing friend to better understand your autistic friend, along with realizing that you don't think the condescension is the slightest bit cool.

What should I do I if feel that if I let my husband win while we argue, he will keep doing the same thing over and over?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

Communicating with your partner, whether it's arguing or anything else, should not be a competition or power struggle. It should be about both of you sharing your feelings and perspectives, genuinely listening to those of your partner, and coming to an agreement or compromise together. See How to Resolve Conflict in Marriage for guidelines.

To avoid being a condescending person, try to be humble, and avoid belittling people by acting like you're better than they are. For example, when you're speaking to others, keep your head and chin level, since tilting your head back and looking down makes you appear superior. You should also speak at a normal pace rather than slowing your speech, which is what adults do when they speak to children. You’ll also want to avoid condescending body language, like eye rolling and loud sighs. Additionally, practice active listening by asking clarifying questions. For tips on how to give credit to others rather than just to yourself, keep reading!

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This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

"My teammate in class said I was being very condescending. I looked up articles to be less condescending, and now we are all good."..." more

Rated this article:

G

George

Jul 30, 2017

"It points out that I am insecure, but still think I have all of the answers. I have difficulty with people who will not share their opinions and stay in the background. I guess I am a verbal impatient bully and need help."..." more

Rated this article:

A

Anonymous

Jan 4, 2018

"This article gave me insights into my behavior, as well as empathy for myself and others who may be unaware of their patronizing tendencies."..." more

A

Anonymous

Oct 6, 2016

"This article is excellent. I will share it with my daughter who is a condescending person."