What Makes Things Spew Out of My Nose

Life in the Boomer Lane can’t help it. Whenever anything happens that makes her feel uncomfortable or helpless or scared, she makes a joke. Then LBL makes herself laugh (because she is always her own best audience) and then things come out of her nose. Her life has never been directly threatened, but on two occasions when it was sort of threatened by scary things being pointed at her by people she didn’t know (one gun, one knife,) she laughed. LBL suspects that if she had lived at the time of WWII and had chosen to stay behind in Europe as some members of her family did, her last words on earth would have been to the person next to her in line, “A funny thing happened on my way to Dachau….” as they both marched toward the smoke. (Apologies to her deceased family.)

This week’s issue of Newsweek has now provided LBL with news items that are inexplicable, disturbing, and downright scary. Hence, jokes. Hence, things coming out of her nose:

Mike Huckabee: “Having grown up in Kenya, his (Obama’s) view of the Brits…is very different than the average American.” Get this man a world map. Show him that Hawaii isn’t a city in Kenya. On second thought, forget it. No evidence about anything has had any impact on him, so why should this.

China: In China today…there are 123 male children for every 100 females. Economists ask what the consequences will be. Forget the economists. History shows that we have far more serious problems on the table when males dominate a society.

The mideast revolution: “…the oil barons and the traders will get richer, and most people worldwide will scramble against higher oil and food prices and declining economies.” (Note to anyone writing about anything: The previous statement will be the appropriate answer for all questions from now on, even those including breast implants and toilet training.)

Success in marriage: is, according to the latest research, and contrary to what any of us (except for Larry King) have ever believed, all about being delusional about ones’ spouse, and not being clear and focused. If you are contemplating marriage, get rid of the books and marriage counselors and just go out and find some who’s really really hot.

Charlie Sheen: You seriously didn’t think you’d be able to read a post without a reference to that guy, did you? Two minutes after he was dumped from Two and A Half Men, he was offered a $3 million endorsement deal for a drink called “Just Chill,” which claims to reduce stress. Winning.

Carnal Desires and Urination: Scientists have discovered that all carnal desires are connected and all are tied to urination. Hold it in and you have self control over everything else. But even just thinking about urination means all is lost. Seriously bad news for post-menopausal women.

This post is over because her pants are wet and she has things spewing out of her nose.

That’s good marriage advice. I’m gonna pass that along to my kids. Seriously, I think there’s some merit to that. You can forgive anyone anything if they’re just so good looking you forget you were mad that the toilet seat got left up again. It’s too late for me though. I don’t really think I can get away with telling my husband that if he were just a bit better looking than he already is, I’d be less pissed off at him all the time.

Yeah, it’s probably too late for some of us. But it does give hope to millions who enter into marriage with little thought that goes beyond the color scheme at the wedding/the hours after the wedding. I say we eliminate rational thought entirely, which is sort of the way the world is going anyway right now.

“Because I am always my own best audience.” What a great line! I love it, and will have to use it from now on. I too laugh at inappropriate things. It’s just a reflex. But I think if I had a gun aimed at me (yikes) I could hold it in. Who knows. Hopefully it’ll never be put to the test! Glad I came across your blog. Thanks for the laugh!

Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and commenting! When I had a knife held up to my face in a movie theater rest room, and I laughed, the woman weilding the knife looked at me like I was completely insane, put the knife away and walked out. Sometimes it pays to be inappropriate.

So in China, there are a bunch of guys wandering around who held it in for decades despite being ruled out of even dating (to say nothing of subsequently being invited in for a drink afterward) who have just had to let it go out of sheer exhaustion. Lonely, broken hearted men with wet pants and nothing to do but screw with other people who they ought to just be leaving alone.

I laugh at funerals. (Sounds like a blog, doesn’t it?) Thank God food isn’t served at ’em, or I’d have the whole stuff-coming-out-of-my-nose thing going on.

And, so, if my husband kicks the bucket before me, there’s a really good chance that I’ll be laughing hysterically at his service thinking about how delusional I was saying “yes” to his proposal. Which isn’t to say that I don’t love my husband, just that I should have known then what I know now: he will never, ever, ever be able to put the seat down.

Oh, well, tonight, when I go to pee in the dark at 1am and I fall into the toilet because the seat is up, I’ll just laugh.

Also, unlike territerri (whose comment I loved), I think I CAN get away with saying to my 60-year-old husband each time he does something to annoy me, “If you’d just trim your nose and ear hair, you’d be much better looking and I’d be much less pissed.”

My husband and I will see some terrible tragedy on the evening news and then promptly make some incredibly inappropriate joke and laugh. Then we both tell each other that we’re going to Hell. At least we won’t be alone.
We don’t have the nasal spewage problem, though.
You gotta laugh cause if you started crying you might never stop.

I don’t remember how I got here (through Hippie, I think) but I am glad I wandered in!

Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and for commenting! I’m with you. If I don’t make jokes about all the horrible things going on now, my head will explode and in addition to nose stuff, there will be brain matter all over everything.

🙂 great post. Saw your comment on the freshly pressed blog from FrancoPolis re friending his Dad on facebook. Enjoyed your response to your daughter!!! Glad she is still on fb!
I am also a babyboomer & suffer from the ‘talking to myself’ lergy! havent yet reached the ‘stuff coming out my nose’ stage but there’s still time. I have however reached the ‘pee in my pants’ stage (and if my daugher read this she would have hysterics).
I am so with you on the only need one joke for retirement issue…..I already have that problem…. 🙂 can never remember the gist of the joke and seldom the end!
Loved all the comments, they were just as entertaining as the blog!! Isn’t it great that we can share and laugh about life on the internet.
thanks for a giggle. will be back for sure.
Regards
Cindy
@notjustagranny

Hi Cindy! Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and making a comment. Don’t you find that we “women of a certain age” bond so easily now? Aside from the blogs, I can do it in real life. too. I can be in a store and stand in line next to a woman around my age,and suddenly we talking about all kinds of things: body parts replacement, peeing in our pants, loss of all brain cells, whatever. I feel like I’m in a club with all kinds of women I don’t know. I see your email address is uk. My daughter lives in London.

Most everything that comes out of congress these days is coming out of their booger filled noses(That’s something Dave Barry would say). No wait a minute. Their alleged “ideas” must be coming out of their communal collective corporate ______s.

Yes! So funny! (And so tragic) And that does sound like a Dave Barryism. And how did you know that Dave Barry is my hero? I heard him speak at the AARP Convention last year. He is a rock star and I am his groupie.

I think Dave Barry still lives here in Miami and he was associated with the Miami Herald for many years. In my humor pieces, upon rereads I find myself sounding very much like him. I saw him at the Miami Book Fair in 1985 with Deborah and Jennifer(English teachers of course). Saw the other great one Garrison Keillor and listened to a young emerging female authoress Flarety O’Conner.

Be still my beating heart. I often think of the “What would Jesus do?” thing when I’m writing. When I get stuck on saying something I know is funny but the words aren’t coming, I ask myself “What would Dave Barry do?” He often leads me out of the wilderness.

I tend to laugh in appropriate situations too…like the other night at a presentation by Abby’s principal about the importance of reading to children to help them learn to read (preacher meet choir). The audience was parents of kindergarteners and 1st graders. She asked how many of our kids come home excited after learning about science. Very few people raised their hands, and she seems befuddled. Her school doesn’t teach science in kindergarten. The principal seemed not to know that…which made me laugh to the point of having to bite my cheek and think about the messes my dog leaves on the floor to quit laughing.

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