Date Posted:08:14:53 06/02/09 Tue
Not sure how I found this message board and not one for venting out on the computer but I am at a point in my life where everything has changed.
My brother took his own life three months ago and did it in such a way that haunts me. He hung himself in the bathroom of his apartment.
When it happened I quicly went into a protection mode for my mother. I identified the body cleaned his apartment and made sure my mom would not witness anything that would cause her more pain. In doing so I never had time to process what happened or what I was feeling.
Fast forward three months and I find myself lost and losing the ones I love, my family. My wife has said that I have been overprotective and over bearing and not trusting of her. To her defense I have and it took her to tell me that we need space to realize what I have done. I find myself alone lost and scared of losing her. She has been there for me this whole time and I have not been open with how I am feeling. I have projected all my feelings of losing him on to her and in doing so I have pushed her away. My hope that I can get her back. But as I have come to realize I need to let her be and not stifile her becuase of what happend with Chris. Does this make sense? If so how do get her back into my life?

Date Posted:17:24:11 06/05/09 Fri
Dear Rich,
I am so sorry about your brother. My brother also killed himself because his wife had left him. I was so mad at him for years that if he had come back I almost could have killed him myself because of the pain it caused our family. He had financial problems and had tapped out so many people, they finally stopped loaning him money. He used our mom's retirement and she was left with almost nothing. And yes, afterwards, everything else seemed to fall apart too. One of my sisters ended up getting a divorce. Seems like you either grieve together or you get divorced. Years have passed now and it is all much better. I still miss him, but my anger has passed, and I am just thankful for each day that comes and for the little things that make life worth living. Hang in there.

Date Posted:15:31:41 08/16/17 Wed
I have brothers born in Kansas, maybe during the 1950s, probably in Topeka. Our father was Robert Henry Smith. He died of cancer at the age of 35 (1964-65) I don't know your names, but your mother sent photos of 2 little boys to my grandmother after our dad's death, as they had both applied for his VA children's benefits. Yes, we're all kind'a old now,,, but I would love so much to see and know you. It's nearly impossible to find people with the name "Smith" . If anyone reads this, who might know these two guys,, please reply. . Thank You .

Date Posted:10:07:44 06/23/15 Tue
I am so happy today because I never thought my husband will ever come back to me again, all thanks goes to the world know powerful female spell caster called Dr. Sandra. I am Rodriquez Carolina from Texas, U.S.A, my husband Roland Mendelssohn, left me for no reason for another woman, it all started when he started coming home late drunk, I complained of his suddenly change behavior to see if he can put things in order not knowing he has met another woman and all his plan is to give me a letter of divorcement, I complained to his parents, relatives and friends, all he can do is to come home drunk and beat me up and warned me not to ever complain about his behavior to anyone anymore, our children will cry all through same with me, suddenly he stopped taking care of our children and me too. On early morning Sunday, he woke up and told me that he is tired of staying with me that we are not meant to be together, I was broken hearted when he uttered the word out of his mouth, I tried all the best I could to plead with him and promise never to disturb he anymore but he refuses and said we should packed away our belongings both the children and I, he threatened if I refuses he is gonna pull the trigger on me or he will commit a suicide, so I donít have any option than to run for our dear lives, I reported the issue to my pastor and to our lawyer, they both called him and try to settle things out but nothing work out, what he did that pains me most was after two days he brought a letter of divorcement, I was so confused and still I put trust in God and I always know we are meant to be together. One faithful morning I visited my old school friend who was also passing through the same problem before I got married to my husband for some advice on how to go about it, when I got there I explained everything to her and she told me not to worry about anything but she asked me a question which was ďDID I BELIEVE ON LOVE SPELL CASTERSĒ. My responds to her was absolute NO because I have read a lot about them and many people have complained about how they have been scammed, she told me that did I remember she also was in same problem with her husband before I got married, I said YES, she said thank you for the answer, though I did not believe on spell casters but my believe was I will meet the right person one day, she told me how she spent not less down $1000 on two spell casters and also told me how she met the one who helped her to bring her husband back home and till now is still working and her husband has changed totally and in fact he has been a changed man since DR SANDRA casted a love spell for her. I was so shocked when she told me this and quickly I told her she should introduced me to Dr. I called DR with her phone and I speak to her directly myself to her, and she promised to helped me out and she also told me that, she does not charge for any of her spell work but all her customers will be the one to provide the money for the materials to do the work, I said OK, there is no problem about that, the next day I sent the money to her which she said she need to buy the materials and after two days she called me herself and said to me she has done with the works that my husband is going to run back to me after thirty minutes and begged me for forgiveness on his knees and he will love me only and his love for me will last forever and also he will drive the other woman away from his house because the woman is not the right woman for her and the woman was the one who bewitched him, I was so happy for hearing this words of courage from her and I wait patiently mighty fully, to my own greatest surprise which I have ever witnessed in life, my husband came back to me and kneel down before me and beg for forgiveness and promise never to drink alcohol anymore and never to pull my legs down anymore. I forgive him and accepted his apologies and he took me and my children back home and he has been a changed man and what I likes most was that all that comes out from the spell which was casted on him was good results, I mean excellent results there is nothing like bad effects on the spell, I am so happy for what DR SANDRA has done for me and I promised to always continue sharing testimonies about her. Contact DR SANDRA today on her email address SANDRASOLUTIONHOME@OUTLOOK.COM and also you can read more about her on her websites: <a rel=nofollow target=_blank href="http://sandrasolutionhome.webs.com">http://sandrasolutionhome.webs.com</a>

Date Posted:07:20:15 06/05/15 Fri
hello everyone am here to share my testimony on how i got my marriage back on track, i got married 5 years ago and everything was going well and we where happy because i love my husband so much and he love me too, we had two kids, fews weeks ago i notices change in my husband behavior coming home late at night i thought it was just because of meetings in the office but it get worse then i decided to ask him, he just go away from me and past 3 night out side i was confuse i called him on phone but refuse to pick up my call he came back the 5th night and told me he want divorce i was surprise i thought it was a joke i beg him to stop later i new he had a girl friend outside i did all i could to get him back but all avail, one day i was searching the Internet on advice to get my husband back i saw a testimony on how Dr sango help a lady got her husband back i said let me try, i contact him also with his email address and told him what am going through and he promise to help me and he help me and i did what he ask me to do after 3 days my husband came back home and went down on his kneels and be begging me to forgive him and that he don't know what came over him, i was so happy and i thank dr sango for bring my marriage back on track, if you have the same problem or similar one just contact dr sango now and get your prayer answer contact him with his email address sangospelltemple@gmail.com and be happy like me

Date Posted:13:38:17 06/20/14 Fri
I would love to share my story with you. Below is a poem about my experience of caring for my older brother, who broke his neck diving and was quadriplegic for 14 years. I helped to care for him a lot of this time and then had an extreme grief reaction when he died.

Thank you so much for your website. I'm so glad I found it these many years later.

RAY

1
first born, stalky as a farmerís son
at fifteen you took the double dare
a spinning dive from a broad tree limb
into the river that would not have you

split shock, neck broken on shallow rock
when we turned you, you breathed
we saw the oak leaves stirring above you
heard the sirens keen
you turned your eyes to the eveningís edge
and could not, would not speak

2
you endured a long diminishing
skull bored with holes, clamped with weights
back stretched to bone and nerve
paralyzed, chest quilted with skin grafts
pale, spastic, wanting to die
determined to live
collapsed lungs, you loved to smoke
after all it was something you could do

hands braced into human posture
kidney stones mined, kidney removed
you peed through a hole in your stomach
signed your name with a pen in your teeth
they said, itís for the best
your long legs sawed off and burned in a box

3
before things changed
I skipped rope and counted
stubbing my toe on cracked cement
I sat screaming until you came
picked me up and hoisted me
your arms under my neck and knees
and dropped me, sack-like, onto my bed
I never reached 400

out back I hit the ball, slinging the bat
knocked three good teeth out of your mouth
we hunted for them in the grass
you bled, I cried, you got false teeth
stuck them out at me often
never played catcher again

your turn to do the breakfast dishes
I refused to help, you threw a cup
it flew off the wall in pieces, gashed my leg
I didnít tell, my scar a trump card
I could play royally at my leisure

4
you had pain, I had dreams
blood, vomit, piss, floods, famine
I wanted to sleep, to escape
the endless routine of your care
the testimonial to suffering
I grew selfish, lonely, sad

the last time you called for water
I told god you could have my body
repented quickly, I did not mean it
I wanted my own self safe
touched by gentle hands
cools winds, clean sheets

it rained
pearls slid down the window pane
when the gathered heads were turned
you dropped your flesh lightly as a handkerchief
and ran away yelling, home free! Home free!

Date Posted:21:39:37 06/15/14 Sun
Hello am JOYCE PHILIP,So trustworthy spell caster are still online?i never believed until i saw some post about Dr EHICARE on how he has helped lots of people on the internet.I told him i have had about him on internet and before i told him my problem,He has already told me what i came for and said people had scammed me off my money and added pain to my pain i was so shocked,He just told me that everything will be okay within 48 hours,i told him this was what does fake spell caster also told me,He said i should give him a try which i did.Truly am just short of words and over excited for what Dr EHICARE has done for me exactly when the 4 8hours was completed the call i got was from my lover that left me with pain for over a year,He said on phone JOYCE ,Can we talk in a sad and shy tone,i was like yes then he came to my house and apologized to me that he was sorry and proposed to me that same day and asked if i would marry him and i said yes,And our wedding will be in august friends you are coordinately invited am so happy,Thanks to Dr EHICARE you can contact him on ehicarespelltemple@gmail.com
All call him on +2347037098000.

Date Posted:18:21:50 06/11/14 Wed
My name is Jennifer and i want to testify of the good work done by a faithful DR PALOMA, a spell caster. in my life i never thought there is such thing as spiritual intercession. my problem started 5 months back when the father of my kids started putting up some strange behavior, i never knew he was having an affair outside our matrimonial home. it dawn on me on that faithful day 4th of April 21st 4:23pm when he came to the house to pick his things that was when i knew that situation has gotten out of hand and he then told me he was quitting the marriage which i have built for over 6 years, i was confused and dumbfounded i called on family and friends but to no avail. two months after i started having problem with my kids welfare rent-age and all of it, i really went through ***. until a day i was browsing on the internet and i happen to meet DR PALOMA Email palomaspelltemple@yahoo.com i never believed on this but i needed my man back so i gave the spell caster my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it but you know a problem shared is half solved after a 2das my husband called me telling me that he his coming back home and that was all. now we are living happily and i still do contact him on this email: palomaspelltemple@yahoo.com

Date Posted:23:22:06 05/21/14 Wed
This is a testimony that I will tell to every one to hear. I have been married for 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until I met a post where this man :drhardsolutiontemple.india@gmail.com have helped someone and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me I just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me,and he told me that he do HIV too , It was sort of a payback but a week later I was told by a friend that the person who I cheated with had the HIV-AIDS I saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why I am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: drhardsolutiontemple.india@gmail.com ,or call him on +919582785746

Date Posted:13:20:21 03/17/14 Mon
In this life everybody have his or her specialized area and as for me i can boldly beat my chest on Dr.Zabaza as the best spell caster to bring back lost and ex lover within 48 hours. My name is Josh and i so pleased that i contacted Dr.Zabaza when my lover have some issues with me and decided to take her leave, But thank God we have people like Dr.Zabaza to help people like me out. The good news is that my lover is back and we are in good terms now due to the help Dr.Zabaza render me. Contact Dr.Zabaza on +2348182620374 or via email at: zabaza.logan@yahoo.com and have relationship problems solved within 48 hours

Date Posted:16:50:38 03/06/14 Thu
Who ever is reading this testimony today should please celebrate with me and my family because it all started like a joke to some people and others said it was impossible. my name is Willis Anderson i live in Australia i am happily married with two kids and a lovely wife something terrible happen to my family along the line, i lost my job and my wife packed out of my house because i was unable to take care of her and my kids at that particular time. i manage all through five years, no wife to support me to take care of the children and there come a faithful day that i will never forget in my life i met an old friend who i explain all my difficulties to, and he took me to a spell caster and and the name of the temple is called Odudu Temple, i was assure that everything will be fine and my wife will come back to me after the wonderful work of Dr. Odudu the Spiritualist, my wife came back to me and today i am one of the richest man in my country. i advice you if you have any problem email him with this email: odudutemple.spiritualist@yahoo.com, odudutemple.spiritualist@gmail.com or call +9150553766 and you will have the best result. I wish you all the best..

Date Posted:22:24:25 03/03/14 Mon
My name is Stacy Blair i have been in bondage ever since my EX left for another woman, It was really hell for me and everybody told me to forget about him but i could not because i love him so much. Things got worse until my friend introduced me to this great spell caster DR. OTIAGBE who have saved so many life and relationships and i contacted him through his email ( Otiagbe@yahoo.com ) i explained everything to him and he cast a spell for me immediately after three days, everything turn around and my boyfriend came to me on his knee begging for forgiveness that i have been the only woman he has loved in his life and he is ready to love me forever. I was really surprised because i have never seen such a miracle in my life. I am so thankful to this man and i will forever publish his name Dr. Otiagbe.

Date Posted:13:09:59 02/15/14 Sat
was having problems with my eating disorder. Thanks to Priest Hallifat spell casting. Now my very thing working well and I am happy.
you can email : lifecentre@live.com
klose,( Hamburg Germany.)

I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank Dr Sango for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found Dr Sango a male spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and she assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. two days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for long, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to devote the rest of his life with me. Priestess released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have to share together. As Iím writing this testament right now Iím the cheeriest girl on earth and me and my fiance is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So thatís why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to priestess for the excessive work that she has done for me. Below is his email address in situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. sangospelltemple@gmail.com

Date Posted:12:51:16 01/14/14 Tue
I lost my younger brother on December 22, 2013 at the age of 47. I still cannot believe he is gone. I keep waiting for him to call or text me to tell me hes doing ok. He was diagnosised with stage 4 colon cancer 18 months ago so thankfully I got to spend alot of time with him before he passed. The worst part is watching him waste away to nothing and not be able to do anything.I feel so bad for his wife as they have 6 children ages 16 to 6 and I know they need me there but right now I dont feel I'm much support for them as I cant seem to deal with it myself.I know one day we will be together again but the time between now and then really stinks. I'm not sure how or when I will ever get over this. I am mad at everyone even God right now because I know its his plan but that doesn't mean I understand or like it. I hope one day to feel like myself again because the last thing he said to me was be strong my kids will need you and they love you. And stop crying all the time Im gonna be ok Im going to a beautiful place and will see you one day again.

Date Posted:18:30:51 10/16/13 Wed
I loss my sister 2 1/2 years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I still cry when I think about all the happy times we spent together. I miss her sooo much and wonder if I will ever be the same. There is such a void in my life and I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again.

Date Posted:21:56:58 11/27/13 Wed
I too lost my sister 3 weeks ago (Nov. 3rd) suddenly. i am still in shock I feel like I am running on my sub-conscious all the time ad I too wonder if anything will ever be the same, she was my best friend!

Date Posted:19:55:16 11/26/13 Tue
Grief is what makes you whole again. As you mourn what you have lost, it fills up the empty space. Not that we will ever "get over" the loss, but we will learn to live with the loss.

Date Posted:01:59:30 12/19/13 Thu
I also lost my older sister in Feb 2012, and still can't get over it, I think of her everyday and wait for her to phone me and tell me she is ok, I can not come to terms that she has gone, my mind won't let me think about that part ie "DEATH".

Date Posted:11:58:39 12/08/13 Sun
I lost my brother Captain Ted Hall a little over four years ago in The Station Fire. And while only he and his Foreman Arnie Quinones were killed in the line of duty that day, I seemed to have lost not only my only brother but my Mother , Father and sister on that mountain.
The grief process of the loss of brother was complicated more by the previous loss of my sister's 17 yr old son in an accident two years prior, with our normally close loving family had only begun
to see a new light at the end of the loss tunnel, when Ted died..
For the last four years I seem to be the one to blame by my folks and my sister. I don't grieve enough, I don't call enough, I don't come to visit enough, I am not fixing it, how dare I have fun with my grandchildren, go on a vacation and worse spend time with my brother's wife and sons.
Right now as I post this I am driving back home to Tucson, after being told by my mother don't bother coming over as she knows I am only going to do what I want any way. Again.. drama.
How do I move forward through all this loss in my heart and yet protect my heart my own family and my brother's when all my folks and sister want to do is be mad at me, because I am here and he is not? Help I feel so lost.

Date Posted:16:57:21 06/29/10 Tue
This past Sunday,June 27,was six years since my older brother Mark passed away.He was only 32 years old and died in his sleep of sleep apnea.His wife of almost a year was the one to find him.We buried him on their 11-month wedding anniversary.I know I am not the only one to lose a sibling so suddenly but sometimes I feel so alone,like I am the only one who is experiencing the pain of missing him.And I feel like no one understands what I am going through.There are almost no groups out there for loss of a sibling.I just want to talk to others who understand what I am going thru.

My older sister died almost 8 years ago in an accident at home. She was 23 years old and I was 21 at the time. I know what you mean about feeling alone. None of my friends have been through anything like this so I can't really talk to them about my feelings. Not really sure what else to say, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Date Posted:06:35:36 09/17/10 Fri
I can't even imagine the shock of losing a sibling so suddenly and unexpectedly. This does take time. Know that all of us here have lost a sibling too and are here for you.

Date Posted:06:38:32 09/17/10 Fri
I am so sorry about your brother--that is scary! I hope you will visit here often and let us know how you are doing. I had time to say goodbye to my brother who died of cancer--it must be shocking to have it happen so suddenly. Take care of yourself.

Date Posted:10:27:06 06/27/13 Thu
I lost my brother 6 years ago now, he was 12 and I was 7. He has spinal muscular atrophy and was permanently in a wheelchair. Even after 6 years I am now 13, and still can't seem to get over his death.

Date Posted:13:07:23 02/15/13 Fri
I am looking for my brother Mathew. This is a long shot, but I also understand because of circumstances if it was meant to be I will get a response. With that said, I am looking for my half brother Mathew. I don't know the specifics because I was explained by my father the agreement Mathews Mother and him decided it was better for Mathew not to know his biological father because the relationship went separate directions. So I want to pass this quick message along that I respect your mothers wishes and would like to do this just for us if your ok with that. Details- I believe Mathew was born in New York possibly near West Point. I know you were born before 75 not sure when. And my fathers name is Richard B. and was in the Army at the time. Mathew, I am doing this for myself as your brother, I respect your father and mother as your parents. Please respond looking4mybrother@yahoo.com

Date Posted:23:10:26 02/08/13 Fri
Tomorrow will be 29 years since my big sister died. She was 20 and I was 18. I cant believe so much time has passed and I still miss her like it was yesterday! She died of leukemia and I guess I am blessed that we had time to sort of say goodbye. I remember she told me that she was just going to get to heaven faster snd said wasnt that the point anyway? Still all this time and I miss her through all the good times and bad. Now my litle sister has run off and disowned everyone. I believe my little sisters issues are tied to
The death of our big sister too. But now I have noone in my life who can really understand. To celebrate the beautiful person who touched our lives and loved us so completely. I feel orphaned by one sister from death and the other by choice. The sudden loss of my little sister has brought all the pain of grief back. Not a day has gone by when I dont think of my big sister in some way or moment. She is always there. I just miss her and I will forever.

Date Posted:19:00:46 01/28/13 Mon
My brother and I were 18 months apart so naturally we were very close. He was killed in a car accident on October 23rd, 2005 at just 18 years old. At the time I was so mad and confused at why this would happen to someone like Charlie. The following day he was supposed to go meet and sign with a college football team which had been his life dream. Months after the accident certain things began to add up that now made me realize that this was no accident and it was absolutely meant to be and I have no doubt that Charlie knew it was coming. There were certain things that he did the week before that he would of normally not done that in the end helped me realize this was no accident. I am 27 years old now and not a day goes by that I don't wish he was still here to pick and argue with like brothers and sisters do but there is no doubt in my mind that he is here with me everyday! I have something very special and that's one amazing Guardian Angel.

Date Posted:20:42:14 02/02/13 Sat
I know what you mean--before my sister's death she unexpectedly started going to church and telling people she loved them.
Sometimes you have to believe in a spiritual world.

Date Posted:06:11:34 12/05/12 Wed
My sister died 34 years ago, I was 7 and she was 9. The problem is I cant remember much and I think a lot of it has been blocked out but everynow and then I feel a lot of pain and something gets released. I have a lot anxieties in my life, mainly connected to relating to other people. I read this book mentioned on this site and it said something about children feeling different - that resonates with me. I've had so many problems (inner) with connecting to people. I have also lived in constant (fairly) anxiety of losing things. I've had counselling, some really indepth weekly counselling but my anxieties are still there. I'm thinking maybe I need something more than counselling. I actually do think one of the hardest things is not having anyone who really understands. After reading the book on this website I realised one thing - I have never ever met anyone who lost a sibling in childhood. I didnt meet anyone when I was child and I havent met any adults with the same experience. I catch myself wondering whether this is key. My loneliness is intense sometimes. I seek approval. I get upset when other people appear to be treated special (my sister died from leukemia) I am bracing myself right now, holding back the tears because I am at work - see this tells me the depth of my sadness. Note to self: do not type in message board whilst working. I am studying counselling and I'm finding really tough in class because a) i think the tutor doesnt like me b) i think some of the studends dont like me c) I'm pretty sure I am projecting stuff (my anxieties onto people and into the room). I just want to get on with my life and I'm afraid that just like the book says - I will never reach my potential. I guess thats it - I am afraid and alone.

Date Posted:11:21:20 12/27/12 Thu
You have not posted in vain. I recently lost my baby brother 3 days before Christmas this year. No words can express my grief, he was only 40 years old with a wife and 3 young children. I don't know what to do with myself, as this makes no sense to me at all. I am a christian and find some peace in knowing I will see him again, but the hurt is so much to bare right now..I am numb, my life will never be the same. I am sorry for the loss of your sister, and I grieve with you. I know this is something I will never get over. I am older and feel it should of been me instead, he had so much more to live for than I. Lord please help us both

Date Posted:17:29:41 01/10/13 Thu
Dear Jay,
I'm so sorry--I do understand as my sister died when she was 15 and I was 14. Everything you describe is what I have gone through. But, and this is a big but--I found out that I also wanted to be a counsellor. It was only then, when I got through the program and had clients come in who had lost siblings, that I understood how I was meant to make meaning from the loss. No one truly understands unless they have been through it themselves and my clients could feel the connection. There have been hundreds of times during my career when I thought--thank heavens they came to me--I truly understand. And they would say, Thank heavens I came to you, I know you understand. It's almost as if you get inside that wall that they have put up and the two of you together can start taking it down. Wishing you all the best in your journey--Marilinn

Date Posted:18:38:25 11/03/12 Sat
Anyone know how to deal with the fear of being completely alone? Even when I'm with people I feel alone now, because I know we all are in the end. I lost my brother and my father and only have my mother left and I'm so scared everyday that something will happen and I'll be by myself. My brother was supposed to be here with me.

Date Posted:18:42:45 11/08/10 Mon
My big sister Nikky died on July 8th 2009. She was 23 years old and was found by my mom in bed. We later found out that she died of a condition called right ventricular dysplasia. She was my only sibling and completely opposite from me but in the best way (Im sure all of you other siblings can relate). I was 21 and away at school when she died and coming home that day to see my parents on the front lawn was the most terrible thing I have ever had to do. I stayed home with my parents for the rest of the summer and returned to school in September for my final year of university. I have now just started a Masters degree in a new city which is extremely research intensive. I also moved into a new apartment by myself. I have always loved and excelled at school, but this year I am finding that I dont have the slightest bit of interest in anything. I am getting extremely scared of where my mind is going and recognize that I do need to talk to a professional. I was wondering if anyone had advice for someone in my position. Would it be wise to leave school and deal with these feelings or push through while still seeking help.

Date Posted:17:29:52 11/28/10 Sun
Hi, my heart goes out to you. My experience may assist you in finding the answers that are right for you. In Aug 1998 my 14yr daughter died by hit N run drunk driver, she was walking home at the time. My other daughter, her younger sister by two years was the one to find her on the side of the road. That was twelve years ago and she has never sought help, nor was I able to get her to attend any counseling of anykind. Today she is angry with me and our relationship is almost nill. I cry for the love of my living child and am finally at peace with the loss of my oldest. I was in such a fog that I wasn't able to help my youngest through the tragedy of loss. I couldn't see beyond my own pain. It's extremely important for parents not to forget the living children at home and in my case, I wish there had been someone around that would have assisted me in giving time and attention to my living child. Anyway, had she gotten the counseling as I did, I believe that she would be better off today. Although she is 25yrs old, she's angry and stuck at 12yrs, thus hindering other parts of her life. So, to you I say 'get the counseling' and do the best you can with schooling. Even if you were to do the classes twice, you'd be done compared to the time it takes to emotionally recover from the loss of a sibling. I wish you the best and when I think of you, I will say a little prayer. God Bless You Dear!

Date Posted:15:28:15 12/05/10 Sun
I lost my sister on October 17th, 2010, to septic shock. She was 49 years old, the wounds are very fresh and I have an older brother and two other sisters. We all are grieving at different levels. My youngest sister is 41 and in turmoil daily. I work full-time, have classes on-line, which I find very therapeutic, it keeps me going, keeps my mind busy. My other sister who is 51 is handling it one hour at a time but is moving forward, my brother does not speak to us. Our relationship with our sister that past has been strained but we still loved her. We are all at fault for not mending fences, but she never stopped reaching out, until she got very ill. I had not seen her in three years and now she was on a ventilator in septic shock, and not going to make it. We had to make the decision to take her off life support and it has been devastating to deal with that alone.

Date Posted:18:34:57 11/03/12 Sat
I ended up taking off school and work to deal with my grief. It was too hard to focus on anything else for me when i let myself feel the pain i needed to to start to heal

Date Posted:13:14:22 09/24/05 Sat
My sister Michele passed away Sept. 15 2005 10 days ago to a 14 month battle with lymphoma cancer. She was diagnosed a month after her wedding. She was 28 I'm 32 and she was my only sibling. I miss her so much, I look at her pictures every day and I think "God why her and not me she just got married and just became a teacher and wanted kids." I'm not married nor do I want kids at this time, I would have traded spots with her any day. We were suppose to help eachother get through the loss of my parents when the time comes. And when god takes my folks I will be all alone. I was so looking forward to being the aunt of her kids. God this pain hurts so much.

Date Posted:20:44:15 09/24/05 Sat
Hi Christina,
I am so sorry for your loss of your sister, Michele. The pain of loss does hurt, emotionally and physically. You have found a site where all of us can relate to losing a sibling. But it must be very hard to lose your only sibling. I only have one brother left, as my sister and another brother have passed on. My greatest fear is losing my remaining brother, Rob.
On this site that Pleasant created for us, you will find support from other siblings that have had similar experiences. We share resources, relate to each other, offer advice,and just listen to each other. None of us have the ultimate answer to grieving or healing, since it is so personal for each of us. But all of us can relate to the pain and mixture of emotions that we have had to deal with because of losing our siblings.
Many times we find that people around us grow impatient with us and expect us to just "get over it and move on". Some people think that losing a sibling is not as bad as losing a partner, spouse, or child. Here we do not compare loss of loved ones and which is worse. Here you will find there is no time limit on your emotions and no one will chastise you for the feelings that you express. Usually you will find someone that has sustained a similar loss. I know that there are others on this site that have lost their only siblings, hopefully one will read your post and reach out to you.
Remember that many of us feel like you and wonder why God didn't take us instead of our siblings. I felt that way when my sister, Norma died. She was 13 and I was 11. She was so talented, smart, and beautiful. She wanted to grow up to be a nurse, marry, and have a family. I felt that she had so much more to offer the world. Guess it is not up to us to decide when God takes us.
Christina, please write back if you feel like it and let me know how you are doing.
take care,
Mary

Date Posted:16:24:37 06/21/06 Wed
i lost my sister in april of this year due to a drunk driving accident. it was on the news and in the paper about the poolhall being shut down and people were arrested. i need help if anyone knows of some supportgroups please let me know--jellybean0280@yahoo.com thank you

Date Posted:18:36:06 06/22/06 Thu
Hello Heather,
It must be very difficult to lose your sister to a drunk driver and then have to watch the news story as well. I am glad that you have found us and are reaching out. Have you looked at the support section of this site? There is a link to an organization called Compassionate Friends. They have online resources and they have meetings in some areas. Your loss is still very new, so be gentle with yourself and write again if you want, Heather. You have found a safe place to talk with other siblings that will offer support.
take care,
Mary

Date Posted:09:11:34 07/11/11 Mon
I know somewhat of what you feel and I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I lost my brother in a car accident 22 years ago and truly it's never gotten any better.

I too have those same fears you do re the death of your parents. I am also angry that my future was stolen when he died. I am the only surving sibling.

Date Posted:18:19:42 11/03/12 Sat
How do you keep living? I lost my brother several years ago and am now dealing with losing my Dad by myself and knowing ill be alone without my Mom any day. I don't understand why people say it gets better it seems like it keeps getting worse.

Date Posted:14:51:47 01/29/06 Sun
I've just discovered this site and I am so glad--for the first time it feels like someone understands what I am going through. My brother was killed in a car wreck three months ago and it has been agonizing. I was on vacation in Florida when it happened and I rushed home to be with my parents, who are devastated. I helped with all the funeral and stuff and was numb at first, but now I am really feeling it--how can I go on working like this? I wasn't satisfied with what I learned about the accident--two people were in the car with him and they survived. They were drinking and I can't help myself, I feel suspicious about how the accident happened and I am so angry that they lived and he didn't. He was only 24 years old--this shouldn't have happened. I am 30--he had just started to get mature enough that we could have a better relationship. I don't know why I'm writing this but it feels better to tell someone. Thanks for the site.

Date Posted:17:56:54 01/29/06 Sun
HI I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BROTHER I TOO RECENTLY LOST MY LIL BROTHER WHOM WAS 20 YEARS OLD HE WAS KILLED IN A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY, WHEN ALL HE WAS TRYING TO DO WAS PROTECT OUR HOME FROM BEING INVADED BY GUYS WHOM ALL HAD WEAPONS, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT NOT FEELING WHAT YOU KNOW IS ENOUGH I FIND MYSELF EVERYDAY ASKING QUESTION TO MY BROTHER, TO GOD, TO THOSE THREE GUYS THAT MURDERED HIM, AND MOST OF ALL TO MYSELF. I NEVER THOUGHT LOSING A SIBLING WOULD BE SO HARD BUT IN A STRANGE WAY WE COMPLETE EACH OTHER, AND LOSING ONE ANOTHER IS LIKE LOSING A PART OF OUR HEARTS AND SOULS. IT HAS ONLY BEEN A MONTH SINCE MY BROTHER WAS KILLED AND I STILL FEEL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY, AND YES I AM NOT GOING TO LIE, GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE IS HARD I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY AT WORK AND AT SCHOOL. THE ONE THING I TRY TO KEEP IN MIND IS MY BROTHER DIED TRYING TO PROTECT OUR HOME AND MY FAMILY AND ME NOT GOING ON WITH MY LIFE WOULD ONLY MAKE HIS DEATH IN VAIN SO FOR HIS MEMORY I TRY EVERYDAY TO GET OUT OF BED AND TRY TO ACT AS IF EVERTHING IS NORMAL BUT I THINK IN ALL REALITY IT WILL NEVER BE NORMAL SOMEWHERE IN OUR HEARTS WE WILL ALWAYS CARRY THE QUESTIONS AND LOVE WHICH STAY IN OUR HEARTS, MINDS, AND SOULS EACH DAY. I TRY TO TELL MYSELF THIS SAYING EVERY MORNING IT MIGHT HELP IT HELPS ME GET THROUGH THE DAY SOMETIMES.."MY LIL BROTHER MAY PHYSICALLY BE GONE BUT HE SPIRIT IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN" I HOPE I HELPED A LITTLE FEEL FREE TO WRITE BACK I AM HERE FOR THE SAME REASONS AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT PEOPLE DEALING WITH THE SAME THING CAN BRING A LITTLE EASE TO YOUR PAIN. TAKE CARE. BYE.

Date Posted:18:06:45 02/01/06 Wed
Hey Justin,
I'm sorry about your brother, your loss is so recent too so just take it slow, one day at a time, I know what you mean about being numb, I lost my brother nearly 5 years ago when he was only 22 and I remember how numb I was in the beginning, it didn't hit me for a long time, I just pretended it wasn't happening. I understand you wanting answers and I understand the hole thats there and feeling angry that the others survived and he didn't, I often feel angry that my brothers friends are still here having distanced themselves completely from us, with dead-end jobs, and and not much of a life to be proud of whereas he had just finished his degree and was doing so well, none of it makes sense.
I hope you get some comfort from this site, places like this are few and far between and it really does help to talk to others that understand.
Take care,
Zoe

Date Posted:18:16:57 02/01/06 Wed
to Zoe, Linda, John and everyone,
I read somewhere that when you lose a brother or sister, that you have joined the the club no one wants to belong to--but I'm glad you are all there. No one else can really understand. It is really hard to figure out why one person dies and another one lives--sometimes I think it must be that they still have something they have to learn.

Date Posted:18:58:56 02/01/06 Wed
Yeah I totally agree with that quote, it is so true. You gain such insight and depth that you never even knew existed from belonging to such a group, yet you never would have wished to join. I am such a different person now to what I was, just the whole way I think and everything, it totally changes your perspective on life.

Date Posted:00:24:28 04/17/06 Mon
Justin, your comments sum up the experience of all here who have told of their loss of a sibling. Though I have held to faith that, through the mercy of God, my younger brother would be healed, given more time on this earth, he died on March 28 of this year. <P> I am so very sorry for those who have lost their brother or sister at a young age.

Age does not remove the pain. He had just turned 64. He enjoyed life, dealt with the problems, and wanted to live. Some may think I and my youngest brother are fortunate to have had Joe with us for all these years and they would be right. Yet, as siblings, we are not complete without him...the fun together, our mutual memories of life growing up, of our parents, etc., etc.

It's traumatic at any age, but being older, we've had ample experience of losing relatives to death. We've already had to get through the deaths of Dad and Mother. Little brother is something else, but we gain strength over the years that we didn't have when we were young.

Just a word to all who have lost siblings at a young age. You will survive these devastating losses and you will become stronger people if you deal with them in the right way. Don't let ANYTHING weaken you.

Date Posted:19:13:17 07/02/06 Sun
So glad I found this site tonight. Thank you all for sharing about your losses...it helps me greatly.
I lost my bother 5 years ago today. He was 36 and I was 33. Funny how most of my memories though are of when we were kids! I count my / his blessings...but sometimes they are not enough; they include that he died in his sleep of a heart attack, so no pain; he was an organ donor; when he passed his wife was 7 mos pregnant with thier first child...so he left me an Angel named Sarah. And I learned that every day is a gift...but my heart still breaks.

Date Posted:22:02:01 07/17/06 Mon
thanks for the hope that life does go on after loss
i am 26 and my 24 year old brother died 7-04-06 of an accidental prescription drug overdose
it is hard
i don't want to go back to college or work
it is hard to take care of my two kids and face life
i am sad and depressed and trying to keep the focus off myself and worse things going on in the world
thanks for the support and being here so people like myself can identify with others who have experienced that same thing
God bless!!

Date Posted:10:31:49 07/26/06 Wed
I'm 29 and my 22 year old brother died on 7-12-06. We're not sure of exactly how, because are still waiting on toxicology reports, but we believe he died of an accidental pain medication overdose after injuring himself on his new motorcycle. He may have died from the injuries, but we may never know as police did not do full autopsy.
I don't have children, but have to figure out how to take care of myself, my other younger siblings and the rest of my family, including my better half who was very close to my brother.
I'm in grad school and hold a teaching assistantship, and am not sure how I am going to be able to handle these responsibilities.
Guess all we can do is try to keep on keeping on.
It is good to have these message boards and chats etc. as resources at a time when I feel so alone.
Take care!

Date Posted:18:07:03 11/03/12 Sat
I really related to the fact the your brother's friend's distanced themselves and have dead end jobs whereas he was going places. How do you deal with feeling like they owe you or your brother something? Or being mad at them for doing nothing with their lives?

Date Posted:02:00:16 06/15/12 Fri
My 50yo brother died about. 6 weeks ago. He wasn't married and we did everything together. I've been so busy with sorting out his things but today I'm so flat, sad & lonely I've found my way here I just need someone to talk to. MY hubby lost his brother a few years back a& he us of no real support to me. He loves me & loved my brother but he's not the touchy feely tupe which iswhat I need right now. I have no kids and just feel so lonely

Date Posted:20:28:33 09/27/11 Tue
When i first lost my brother my first thought was "why me?" and I used to think to myself that i was the only person going through this and that i will never be able to recover from losing my brother.
My brother Stephen was my best friend and I used to go to him all the time for help, whether i got into a fight with my mom or i just needed some help with my homework, he was the person i looked up to the most and i will still always look up to him even if he isnt here physically.
I lost my brother 2 years ago to a drug overdose, he was 20 years old and i was 14. I remember this day like it was yesterday. My older sister picked me up from the gym, she was with my cousin and his friend. The first words she said to me as i got into the car was "Stephen is in the hospital" my first thought was "he overdosed". As we pulled into our driveway, we noticed that our family friends were over, i knew something happened when i saw those cars parked in the driveway. My cousin and his friend went into the house and my sister and I stayed in the car, we didnt say a word. 5 minutes later my dad walks outside wiping his eyes and opens the car door and said "Stephen is gone". My heart dropped and i couldn't believe what i was hearing. My sister screamed at the top of her lungs to the point where the neighbors came over and asked if everything was ok. Stephen was the most amazing brother in the world, although he did have an addiction problem he still cared for my sisters and I and always did what he could to protect us, he never wanted to hurt anyone. A couple of weeks after his funeral, his girlfriend found out she was pregnant with his baby. She did have the baby and it is a girl. She looks just like my brother it's crazy. My brother always wanted children, he was so good with them. He used to come home all the time and tell my mom how he wanted to have a kid. My brother and his girlfriend would have eventually gotten married, he used to also come home and say "Shes the one, mom". I miss my brother so much, everyday i think about him and how it would be if he was still here. I still pretend to this day that my brother is just away at rehab and that i will see him again. I never thought that this would ever happen to my family and i, i saw it happen to other families and used to think to myself "wow, i dont know what i would do if i lost one of my siblings or parents".

Date Posted:13:28:01 01/27/12 Fri
When I read your message/story, it was like I had written it myself. My brother died over a heroin overdose when he was 23, and I was only 17. My oldest brother and I found him in the bathroom. It was extremely traumatic and I am still dealing with it. My heart is broken, even though it's been 5 years. I know my brother is with me everyday in spirit and he wants me to let go and to live my life the fullest, but it's so difficult to when he's not here to share all magical moments with me. It's a long journey that I will have to walk on without him. I just related to your story so much that I felt the need to reach out. That's incredible that you have his child on earth with you, it's definitely a gift from him. GB.

Date Posted:18:08:50 10/05/12 Fri
Wow.. I guess laura has written my story too. My brother died of an drug overdose too. He was my older brother (24) and a great one if i must say. He was always proud of me. Protected me. And i loved him- i wish i would have known his drug problem was REALLY bad..Its almost been a year now and i cry all the time lately. I feel so alone- i went to him for everything..

Date Posted:15:51:12 04/24/12 Tue
My name is Desi I am 10 I lost my first brother(20) in 2009 and my other brother(22) this year March 15th both to violence. My Brothers were GOOD brothers they were not BAD to no one . But living in Detroit is horrible people are dying and lives are being taken everyday for no reason.My oldest brother was killed cause someone did not like him and was jealous of his relationship with his girlfriend. My second brother was killed because he was with the wrong person at the wrong time He didnt know the person he was with had enemies looking for him.I hurt everyday but I still play I sometimes pretend that this did not happen. But then sometimes I think about calling him and it hit me that both my big brothers are gone and i will never see or hear them again.:~(

Date Posted:09:03:49 04/12/12 Thu
I lost my brother Matt to suicide, it will be 1 year on May 2nd 2012..Lately, I have been going through my anger towards him..and being selfish for myself..very upset that he took that relationship we had away from me. I have two other brothers, my relationship was nothing compaired to the one I have with Matt. I still have that relationship with Matt, he just can't talk back to me..but I talk to him all the time. I'm still in the lost feeling, can't believe he is gone, try to block it out of my head, and of course it creeps back up on my. He left behind 3 children that he adored, and so do I..I guess right now I just feel lost, don't know what the next step is, don't know how to live my life without him..although I know I have too. I just miss him, with everything I have.

Date Posted:23:14:01 03/14/12 Wed
Its been over 4 years since my brother passed away. I have spent much time trying to pretend it never happened and ignore the thoughts and feelings of never hearing his voice again.
Once he spent an entire summer over in England doing his own thing traveling around, I hardly heard from him while he was there. Sometimes I like to think that's all this is, he is just over somewhere traveling and having a good time, caught up in his own little world.
When I do stop and accept the fact that he is gone forever it always hits me like hurricane force winds, I always feel like I am unable to deal with it. I have ran from it for so long that I honestly don't think I ever will be able to move on completely. I have dreams about him all the time, I've even had some where he tells me its all just imaginary and that he isn't really dead at all. Then I wake up.
Visiting this site and reading some of the other posts left gives me hope that things will get better with time, and if I stop and think about it they sort of have already, it still hurts a lot when I think about him but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to and there are times now when I remember stories of things we did together and they make me smile. Its a comforting thought to know that I am not alone in dealing with the loss of my brother, that there are others that know the pain all to well and can understand the emotions that we all have gone through. Thanks to those who have left their stories and thoughts, you may not realize that your words can mean so much to someone else, but they meant something to me.

Date Posted:04:46:34 10/09/11 Sun
I am a college student, I have one more year of my undergrad studies until I graduate. I lost my younger brother, my only sibling, in February. I am almost 21 and he was 16... he would have turned 17 this past July. We lived with our dad and stepmom, and we also frequently saw our mom.

I don't think that the reality of the situation really hit me until I started back up at school. During summer, I worked, I took a summer class, I even went on vacation. In fact, my parents and I temporarily lived in an apartment so we wouldn't have to be at home. I did a very good job of suppressing my feelings and not trying to think about losing my brother.

But now that I can'y deny it any longer, I have no idea how to cope with it. I have to force myself to go to class and to eat and to study. I cry so easily and for such long periods of times. And the crying fits come in bursts - either I am really numb, or really overwhelmed.

He was my little giant.. younger than me, but taller and bigger than me. He never did anything wrong to anyone - he didn't even like to lie. He didn't like to cuss. He wouldn't even drink soda because it's unhealthy! All he wanted to do was play basketball, watch sports, and become a lawyer.

I never expected this, and I feel like the pain is going to destroy me from the inside out. If there are any other young people reading this who have lost a young sibling, please let me know anything you can tell me. At this point, I am surprised I can even get out of bed in the morning.

Date Posted:20:52:38 11/07/11 Mon
Your emotions seem right on target to me. It is just so hard to try to do anything normal, like go to school, when you are grieving. I hope that you are not grieving alone, because talking about it and connecting with someone who cares is what will heal you. If you feel alone with your grief, it will never really go away. You need to expel some of the energy of your grief in talk.

Date Posted:09:41:18 01/04/12 Wed
I have been in your shoes so to speak. I have lost two brothers. Your grief is normal. You will have good days and bad days. But you will survive your grief and pain. You will never forget him, you will learn to live without your brother physically, but he'll be a part of you forever. You will even feel him in your children some day. You notice a smile, or body language. Don't forget that it's ok to remember, to cry, to laugh and to live. I am here for you!

Date Posted:13:46:26 02/10/12 Fri
Hi, I was 21 when I lost my sister. She was 23 and my only sibling. That was nine years ago. I think the best thing you can do is to find someone to talk to. Look for a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief if possible. If you don't like the first person you make an appointment with, look for someone who you do feel comfortable talking with. Also, look for other ways to express your feelings. Music is what saved me. Maybe try writing in a journal for a while.

Date Posted:05:21:04 02/15/12 Wed
I totally agree with you here. Sometimes you have to shop around for a therapist. Make sure it's someone YOU feel comfortable talking to. I agree about the music too. Music and art are healing.

Date Posted:19:36:42 08/03/11 Wed
My brother Kenny would have been 53 years old today. He did 8/16/1982. It's been a lifetime ago, yet I still cry on 8/3 every year. I still miss him. No one around me truly understands what it's like. He was electrocuted on the job. I still hate electricity! And to make matters worse, my brother Michael died fours years later from asthma complications. I'm looking for the nearest rock to crawl under.

Date Posted:18:23:14 08/14/11 Sun
I do understand about the way the date comes back at you over and over. It is hard, and yet, it shows that your love for your brother is still there and you still miss him. He was fortunate to have you in his life.

Date Posted:21:12:56 04/04/11 Mon
On March 11th 2011, I had to say good-bye to the best friend I have ever had. He was my little brother " Bobby " whom I loved more than life itself. We shared things only brothers and best friends share, things I will take to my grave because I told him I would. He made me promise to some things I don't know if I can follow through with. My sister-in-law and my nephews are in South Carolina where we are from. However, I now live in Ohio with my wife and family. I feel so sad and lost with out him, we talked every day 7 days a week 365 days a year. He was 11 yrs. younger than me. I can't help but rewind all the tapes in my head of his childhood up to his passing. I am now 57 yrs. old and I cry most of the day from missing him. Will this pass ?

Date Posted:22:43:01 12/31/05 Sat
Tragically my 29 year old brother was killed in an accident 8 years ago, and twelve months after his death, my beloved 38-year old sister died after a 4-year battle with cancer.

My parents directed a lot of anger at both my brother-in-law and myself a few months before my sister died. They have sustained this anger during the 7 years since my sister's death; by the way my parents communicate with and treat my brother-in-law and his lovely new partner, and 6 years ago they asked me not to contact them anymore. I was "not a good enough person" to be their only child.

Over the years I've had angry and taunting phone messages and letters from my parents, and they have also said very unkind things about me to other family members. Unfortunately this has also isolated me from all my family on my mother's side.

Has anyone else experienced this? Rejection from parents as the only surviving sibling?

On one level I understand that my parents' actions come from their grief, and are based on emotions - mainly anger - and are not rational, i.e. not due to anything I've done. However I feel that 7 years ago I not only lost my beloved sister and brother - I lost most of my family through my parents reactions to their own loss.

My parents are now in their 70's I now have little or no expectations of them changing their attitude towards me.

Date Posted:06:44:44 01/01/06 Sun
I am sorry for your loss and sad to say that it is not unique. Your parents may be more open about their anger than some are, but it does happen. Such hostility is often associated with a survivor's guilt about something they did or did not do -- they are trying to externalize their own guilt feelings. I do not think this is the end of the relationship with them, but you may need space for awhile. Meantime, focus on taking care of and being a good parent to yourself. You've had a terrible loss, one that can rob life itself of meaning. Find a place, like a church or synagogue, where you can find a community of like-minded people and make good, in depth relationships, to help support you. When you have experienced more healing, you will be more able to handle the response of your parents.

Date Posted:13:36:54 01/07/06 Sat
i know how you feel, my family blame me for my younger brothers suicide. they told me recently i chose my husband over the family! my sons are 6years and 9 years old, the point i'm trying to make is my brother killed himself only in april 2004 (nearly 2 years ago). i have told my mum who i do love, but has been so difficult to leave me alone to give me space. they even have the cheek to upset other family members who speak to me or my husband. the funeral day was ruined by my father hassling me whilst there! flowers have been returned from his place of death by my other brother who is nothing but trouble, he told me i was not welcome at his place of death, or even in the family..... lots more has happened to, but too much to mention. so to answer your question your not alone. i hope your doing ok Karen, my heart goes out to you in a big way!

Date Posted:22:22:05 01/16/06 Mon
Hi Marie, our situation sounds quite similar in many ways. Thanks so much for sharing yours with me.

My father choose to say untruthful/hurtful things about me as part of my sister's eulogy. It feels to me that my parents expected my only role in my brother's and sister's death was as a support to them. They never acknowledged my loss.

You will no doubt understand on a rational/intellectual level that in no way are you to blame for your brother's death. Or that you have 'chosen' anyone above anyone else. Especially as your husband and sons are 'family'. But these sorts of accusation are deeply wounding on an emotional level.

I think I will carry the hurt of my parents' rejection for the rest of my life. But as time goes by, I find it easier to accept this situation, and just appreciate the joy I experience in other relationships.

Date Posted:13:05:53 01/23/06 Mon
thank you for posting yours too. it kind of helps to know i'm not on my own with family situations being as they are and you too are not on your own. what does not kill you makes you stronger so i hear! i think there could be some truth in that.

you sound very kind, understanding and caring, it's a real shame your family did not realise it before they did and said what they have.

i do agree though about carrying the rejection of parents, somehow you've given me some more strenth out without knowing. thank you for replying and you take care.

Date Posted:07:53:30 07/28/06 Fri
Iam so sorry to even hear this , (i happend to come across this site through a friend.) however, i am a PARENT who lost a child.( a precious 8 yearold boy), when i read what you are going through with your parents it touches me in away that i feel for you so much , i understand the pain your parents are feeling to , but instead of carrying this anger they need to embrace you because you need support as much as they do , i have two daughters who i thank god above that i have them , without them i do not know how to get through each painful moment ,family is so important and if your parents should ever some how turn to you and comfort one another it will make the greif some how easier to endure ,beleive me i know how painful this is . i just want to express my heart felt thoughts to you all and i hope your parents some how see things the way i do , and that is to be there for one another . they need you as much as you need them , i wish you all peace and a much healing god bless you all and remember, our dear loved ones who left this world are with us and helping us to cope ...please take care ...sincerly ,michele

Date Posted:20:51:53 07/27/06 Thu
I cannot express how much this website has touched the pain in my heart since my younger brother's death. I have felt so alone in my grief. It is so true that just connecting with other people who have lost a sibling is a healing in itself. I find myself logging on everyday just to know that there are other people who understand.
My younger brother died on 3/15/04. Actually we don't know what day he actually died. My mother and sister went to check on him after not hearing from him in 5 days. As they walked up to his apartment, they saw flies on the windows and smelled a foul odor. They called the police and the police confirmed their fears. His body was cremated within hours. My brother who was 49 years old was gone. In truth, my brother had been dying for 2 years. He was addicted to narcotics and was an alcoholic. He had been fired from his job as a civilian naval intelligence officer, his wife had left him, he had gone bankrupt, and he had given up. He was living in a government housing area in the town where my parents and sister live.
My family imploded on May 20 of this year. My family is so dysfunctional, our childhood was very difficult. My brother and I are 18 months apart and my sister is 11 years younger than me. My brother and I had a very special bond because of our childhood experience - he was my witness to what happened in our home and we survived together. We were army brats and moved about 15 times in 20 years. This also was an important part of our bond. On May 20, after we had attended my niece's graduation, we went to my parent's house and my mother told me that I did nothing for my brother the last year of his life and my sister physically assaulted me. My mother's behavior was all too familiar but my sister's totally blew me away. My father was there and did nothing, another pattern. On Monday of this week, I received a letter from my father - this is the first communication I have received since that day - no phone calls - nothing. He called what happed a "fuss" and did not know how it started. He also accused me of being under the influence of drugs or alcohol (I am a recovering alcoholic and addict). These past four days I have felt exactly like I did in the days and weeks immediately after my brother died. Until I read about secondary losses on this website I could not understand my feelings and was so appreciative of your message. It is a second death. I obviously cannot be with these people again. But these people are my father, mother and sister. I read somewhere that the death of a family member brings out the best and worst in families. This is about as bad as it gets. I felt so alone until I found this website Tuesday night. Whoever is responsible for creating this website is an angel. And I mean that literally for me. I cannot begin to express how comforted I am by your messages and life experiences. I felt so ashamed of my family and felt like I could not tell anybody about what happened. Your message was my message. I also feel like I have lost not just my brother but my entire family. As unhealthy and crazy as they are I still love them. I am sorry that this is so long but I just needed you to know me just as I feel like I know some of you. Thank you for sharing your grief - that is a healing for me that I will forever be grateful for.

Date Posted:19:12:04 07/28/06 Fri
Dear Cheryl,
I haven't been to this site for awhile and just read your message.

Families do "implode" and are so often dysfunctional, and my experience is that this is often kept hidden i.e. something family members don't speak about or share. This can be very isolating, as talking about parents that reject you or have behaved very badly towards you is often not understood / easily accepted.

My brother was a drug addict and alcoholic and I feel it is all too easy for other family members to blame individuals for these tragic problems. My heart goes out to you that your own family are using any problems you've had as a weapon against you. I think it is to avoid talking about what are really at the heart of the issues you've described in your family.

That has been my experience. That the real issues that "imploded" my family were avoided, by my parents constantly blaming and being angry about other, trivial matters. There were never any authentic conversations about the deep hurt and emotions that were at the heart of broken relationships.

Do take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who share their love and themselves with you openly. Sometimes the people who you think should love you the most, hurt you the most. And others whom you have little expectation of, are the ones who are most generous and open with their feelings for you.

I am so sorry for your losses. My brother died 15 days ago and my parents have now "disowned" me. I can't help but hate them for it. I would love to chat with you privately. eastcoastleftcoast@yahoo.com

Date Posted:16:00:33 01/29/11 Sat
My older brother was a "hero" in 'Nam and when he was killed doing a heroic action, I was ostracised by my mother. He was always her favorite, and I was suddenly the surviving child whom she resented. Life since then, and it's been 42 years, has been a succession of events with me always being a disappointment to her. She is cold and angry with me. The reality is that I was never acknowledged as having suffered a loss as well. It was all about her loss and I was just a reminder of her children, but without her beloved son. Now she has Alzheimers and it's even worse than before. She blames me for her unhappiness and no matter what I do she's angry with me. I accept that I do and have done everything I can for her, but am still subjected to her tirades. As the sole surviving child and with no other relatives to help me with her, I am upset and ticked off that this is my fate. What to do? It bothers me so much and I wish that I could "fix" it.

Date Posted:02:47:59 04/06/11 Wed
Wow. I went through all of this many decades ago and clearly I still think about it all otherwise I would not have searched this topic area. I wish you all the best and I wish I had advice for you all. The best I can do is to suggest that everyone look after their own emotional well being, be that selfish. Don't abandon yourself in order to cater to anyone else because you won't be of any use to them or you if you do.

Date Posted:12:14:31 08/14/06 Mon
I lost my younger brother 15 weeks ago. He died two weeks before his 29th birthday. He was driving home from work and fell asleep at the wheel and was killed instantly. My brother was not only my baby brother, but my BEST FRIEND. And I was his, we were two peas in a pod. Did not live in the same towns, but talked all the time and when we were together we were glued. He knew me better than anyone, better than I know myself. When he died I lost a huge piece of myself, almost as if I had died with him. I have three kids...my 9 year old son was named after him and I have 15month old twin girls. I struggle everyday to remain grounded as a mom and a wife and I can't seem to find my footing. I just want to curl up and cry all the time. My son (whom he was also very close) has a hard time with it as well, especially when he sees me lose it. I struggle with finding the right words to comfort him when I myself can not find a way to move forward. I have a younger sister as well and we were all close, but sometimes I have a hard time even connecting with her as our relationship with our brother was so very different. He was not supposed to die (especially not before me) and he was at the top of his game...everything was happening for him and he was SO HAPPY for the first time in his life he was IN LOVE and getting ready to start a grown up life. It is just so hard to deal with and I struggle with my faith daily. Anyway, I hope someone has words of wisdom for me...Thank you for listening!

Date Posted:17:21:49 08/14/06 Mon
Hi, I'm writing because today mark's my little brother's 18th birthday. He passed away from complications (we think) with his Diabetes (Type 1) several weeks ago, on July 25th.
I'm 29, and it's really difficult for me to accept that he's gone. I had such high expectations for growing old with him. Today also marked the beginning of his Senior year in High School. It's hard to cry or do anything but just stare a lot into nothingness.
Anyway, we're still waiting for the autopsy, biopsy, and toxo reports to come back. I hate waiting to know why he died so young. All he wanted was love.
We were so close. My brother was born on August 14, 1988, premature, weighing only 1 lbs and 12 ounces. He fought so hard to even make it into this world, and then suddenly he's just gone. Poof!
Please pray for me, my wife, and our families as we struggle through this loss. Also, if you want to know more, I revamped my MySpace as a memorial for him:
www.myspace.com/bullsharkdiver
Take care,
Stephen

Date Posted:20:36:17 08/15/06 Tue
Hello,
I understand where you are coming from--my brother died last year and we were not exactly sure of the cause of death for some time after he died. I'm a little older than you--35--but it was the first time I had ever experienced death and it blew me away. However, I was surprised to wake up one day and realize that I could go on living without him. Give yourself time to absorb the shock, treat yourself for right now like you are physically sick, and take care of your physical being--get exercise, eat right, don't drink or try to kill the pain--it just prolongs it. Good luck, Stephen--Keep in touch!

Date Posted:06:28:04 10/20/06 Fri
I have been looking at sibling grieving sites and reading posts all morning. I lost my baby brother{32} on june29,2006. I swear sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who lost a brother, a best friend, and a child all at once. He was the one male in my life I knew to be a constant. He and I shared the same heart it seemed. He was the one I would call to deal with this and he isn't here. The events that lead up to his passing are still very confusing to me. I know why it happened, I just can't believe it still. I have a son who acts and looks similar and it is hard to hear his voice{sounds like my bro} and not think of that. I miss him so much...I cry at least once everyday. His birthday was on September 29th and I held his ashes and cried all day long. Alot of people I talk to say that it doesn't get better, it just gets easier. I am waiting for that day to come. However on the upside this site has helped and your post made me feel connected. Thank you

Date Posted:00:35:32 10/21/06 Sat
I'm sitting here looking at the Message Board to see if anyone has responded to my story that I left a few days ago, and than all of a sudden all these "loss of a brother" stories for a while back are showing up, ( weird, for one because I've been crying all night long about my younger brother's death) the other weirdest thing is that I read your response about your brother and his bday is on the same day as my bday, Sept. 29th. and that right there just makes me think that I read these stories for a "REASON" ya know, my brother died 6 months ago, he was my best friend, even though we fought too much and didn't tell each other how much we loved each other, he still was my best friend and I feel like he was the only Love that was constant in my entire life. I miss him sooo much, and it's just good to know that how I feel is not abnormal, cause all iwant to do is be with him, i just want to be with him, i dont care about anything else anymore. I just dont know how to move on, it keeps getting worse and worse as the days go on because i'm realizeing that it's not a dream, and it's becoming more real to me every time i wake up. He's never going to walk through the front door again. His truck will never be parked in our driveway ever again, he'll never pretend to beat me up anymore, and he'll never pick me up and give me the biggest, most warm huge any brother could ever give their big sister. So I guess my point is that I understand,I wish there were more people out there to help me and help me understand and help me get through this. take care

Date Posted:13:16:29 11/24/06 Fri
Thank you so much for your post. I am so sorry for your loss. Reading what you're going through made me fell less alone. I lost my baby sister and best friend 10 weeks ago in a car accident. She was 27 and the reality of what has happened to me and my family is still not real. We were incredibly close, she knew me better than anyone, I had no secrets from her and I feel like a huge part of me died with her in that car. I am trying to go on and figure out who I am now without her but moving on feels like a betrayal. I still talk to her everyday and I write her letters in my grief journal. It helps, but i'd give anything to have her back. Hang in there...I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Date Posted:18:42:41 12/06/10 Mon
Im so sorry for all your losses.My younger brother passed away 4 years today.We had a mass in the morning and my parents have gone to the cemetary.Im going in the afternoon to spend some time with him.I still feel so empty inside and the pain still aches.I tend to keep myself busy alot and i find that keeps my mind distracted so im not constantly thinking of him.I miss him so much and i agree that you need time to carry on with our lifes but we will never forget.I also find talking to certain people at times can help and its also true that some people dont understand but i dont hold that aganist them.I know my brother was a true angel and all your loved ones are too.I know that they are all in a beautiful paradise and are around us to guide and help us.One day i know we will be together forever but not yet has i know how close we were as bros as he was my only brother and the baby of our family.Has hard as it is we find some strengh from somewhere to keep going through our lifes and reading other peoples losses is so sad but maybe something we all say can help each other in someway.
Stay safe and take care

Date Posted:07:12:11 12/31/10 Fri
I hope that you have gained some sense of peace since you posted about your brother's death. What makes it particularly difficult is the suddenness of it--you had no warning. It takes awhile to absorb what has happened--the reality of it, and then you start dealing with the feelings of loss. It takes many many experiences of waking up and realizing that he is not coming back to teach your self that it's true. I'm glad you have your children and that one of them is named for your brother. It's a kind of legacy. Take care of yourself in what must be a busy life taking care of children.

Date Posted:13:17:51 02/17/11 Thu
I just googled "lost a brother my best friend" and ended up here. I am sorry for your losses , I know the pain you feel and the sadness. I just lost my little brother and best friend , a few hours after we both watched my father take his last breadth. My fathers death was expected - he was 92 - and very sick , we knew it was coming ... my brother who was 52 died in his sleep that night , and that was not expected , he was in good health. We think he had a heart attack although we are not sure yet. He has been my best friend throughout our whole lives - we have been together at every stage of our lives , birthdays, funerals, weddings - we were each others best man and godfather to each others first born - we have been through every up and down , major and trivial forever - it did not get closer than my brother and I , and I have a hole in my heart that will never go away. I have tears steaming down my face as I type this , and it has been two weeks since he died ... I have three kids and a beautiful wife - and I know I need to be there for all of them , it just seems that my life has now become unimportant to me ... In losing my brother I have lost a major part of me

Date Posted:17:16:27 06/29/10 Tue
I am just wondering if all of the emotional and mental problems I have is due to my brother's death.I am not social at all,I am afraid of being around alot of people,and I suffer from anxiety and depression.And sometimes I start crying for no reason at all.What do you all think?

Date Posted:06:31:58 09/17/10 Fri
It is quite possible that your brother's death has made you want to withdraw from people. I highly recommend a visit to your doctor. There is treatment available and you have the rest of your life to enjoy if you choose to do so. Start with the doctor and he or she can advise you further. Don't let yourself be buried with your brother. Look into Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of the USA, who both welcome bereaved siblings. It is very healing to open your heart in such a group.

Date Posted:23:25:07 09/14/10 Tue
G'day to you all....I am messaging from Australia....Spring has just arrived.

I have 3 brothers. David is the eldest, me next, then Chris and the baby is Mark.

I wanted to very briefly share my story...as we all have a story.
I am now 50yrs young. My siblings and I are from a childhood place of abandonment, rejection and abuse.

My eldest brother, David died at the age of 18. He drowned, though an excellent swimmer. (I was 16 yrs old)
2 years passed and then...
Chris died at the age of 17. Car accident ( I was 18 yrs old).
In 1993 my baby brother died at the age of 29yrs young. Hit and run. (I was 32)

It is only now that I am learning to reach out and heal.

Know that YOU, any who know this place of pain...please Nurture,Love you, do whatever it takes to know that your life is worthwhile. I have suffered survivors guilt, Chronic PTSD, depression, etc. etc. etc.... KNOW THAT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL and I send you love and blessings...... xo Patrina

Date Posted:11:04:34 01/06/10 Wed
Hi, my name is Katey, and I'm 18 years old. Two months ago today, I lost my sister to cancer. She had just turned 21, and we were very close. She was diagnosed when I was a sophomore in high school, went into remission for a year, then relapsed as a terminal patient. I watched my sister deteriorate for over a year, and it haunts me. I am now a freshman in college, and I just can't seem to find anyone who I feel comfortable talking with because they don't understand. I can't talk to my parents either, although we are also very close, because my mom is so caught up in her own grief to be there for me, and my father lives hours away. Sometimes I find myself just willing to do anything to forget. In college, it's so easy to get your hands on alcohol or drugs. I find it hard to concentrate on my school work as well. Unfortunately, I don't even have time to go to the counseling center because along with classes, I have a job.
Basically, I just need someone to talk to who knows how I feel. I miss my sister so much that it drives me insane. As I said before, we are very close. I was always her baby sister, and she always was protective of me. She was always so happy to see me when I came home from school on the weekends, and she was one of the only people I looked forward to seeing, too. I know I will never "get over" it, but I would at least like to sleep normally, think normally, and just function like a normal person. I have a hard time getting close to people now, too, so I just figured that maybe someone I didn't have to face in person could help me. Please.

Date Posted:11:39:28 01/07/10 Thu
Hello,
I too lost my sister to cancer and then went to college--it was so hard to avoid the drugs and alcohol.
You really need to make time for the counselor--that is the best medicine. Talking to friends can be a bummer because they don't want to think about the sadness and can be somewhat rejecting. Some colleges have groups for students who have had a loss, and that can be your best source of support. Otherwise, look for a Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents group in your area--they both welcome siblings.
It does get easier with time, believe me. My heart goes out to you.

Date Posted:20:56:41 01/08/10 Fri
Thank you for replying. It's good to know that I'm not alone. I know I should just suck it up and go to the counselor, but I've just never really been one to talk about my feelings. If there are any of those groups around, I don't have a car on campus to get there. Basically it's just one big mess. My friends are just like you said and really are no help whatsoever. I will look for a group on campus though.

Date Posted:20:51:12 01/09/10 Sat
I read your posting. My condolences to you. To my horror my sister, younger, died in her sleep of congestive heart failure. It has been one year and I numb myself with narcotics or anything because I cannot get over it. I cry every day. Sisters are so special. You can tell them anything, they never judge, you laugh, eat too much, talk about sex, etc. and then she left me. I feel so abandoned. Two years you are a long way from any relief. I also had just lost my brother to a fall, and my husband to heart failure all in 12 months. I feel like a zombie, do you? At least you have school. You need to talk about it, all of it and a non person can really relate because you can put it all out there. My mother won't talk about her either. I am crying now. I so feel your pain. Why do they have to leave us, well, I guess only God knows. write if you want. I WILL respond. Tell me about her and what she meant to you and others.

Date Posted:15:18:33 06/19/10 Sat
I can definitely relate....I lost my younger brother and my only sibling (he was 29 and I 32) on March 13, 2010 to cancer. He was diagnosed on Feb 10, 2010 and was given one month to live. So they sent him home from the hospital to die. I lived 8 hours away, so I spent the entire month with him in his apartment watching him deteriorate and die. Because of this, I lost my job, I moved, finally got a new job, lost my car and don't have enough money to get another due to being out of work. I am having a hard time going over that month in my mind. I know I need therapy but it's hard when you don't have a car. Very few people understand and of those who understand, none of them have lost a sibling so they can't REALLY relate. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm guilty and having a hard time with the whole experience. If you ever need someone to talk to - I'm here! I think it would be helpful to talk to someone who is "in the same boat". I hope things are getting "better" and that you and your family are together in this.

Date Posted:18:12:22 06/01/10 Tue
He was the closest person in the world to me. Although he lived in Hawaii and I in Los Angeles we spoke every night. We shared out most intimate feelings with each other. He meant everything in the world to me. The coroner said he died of massive Pneumonia and a blood infection, but he seemed in perfect health three days before, He was taking large amounts of pain killers for a shoulder injury. He was a funny, fun loving guy who covered deep pain. I miss him soo soo much I hear his voice before I go to sleep I see his face and I get a rush of adrenalin. I feel Lifeless and apathetic. Luckily I do see a therapist once a week which has helped somewhat. My life feels crushed and empty. Not too many people to talk to. I really need help and advice and support. MD

Date Posted:22:58:59 06/04/10 Fri
September 25,2007 my phone rang 8:00 am. Caller Id told me it was my mothers house. Before I even picked up the phone I knew something was wrong. But I never imagined what I was about to hear. My mom was crying and told me my brither was dead. I remember I just started screaming no. I hung up and got in my car and made it to my mothers in like 15 minutes. The police and emt's were there blocking the street.I parked and ran in my mom's house.My younger sister had just arrived herself and was trying to go down in the basement where my brothers bedroom was but a women officer would not let her go.Then I arrive and start crying and begging as well.She finally let us both go down.My brother was laying in bed.He was so cold and his lips were purple.He looked like he was sleeping.My sister and I just sat there on his bed laying across him crying.We were in shock.We could not believe he was gone.He was younger then us both.He was only 39 years old.He would have turned 40 October 31,2007. That day changed us forever.My mother had lost 2 sons.I had a brother who was killed on his bicycle at the age of 13.That was June,1968.I was 3 years old.I don't remember him.But all my life I always wondered what he would like.I can remember September 25,2008 sitting at my computer just watching a picture video of my brother and crying so hard because I missed him so badly.I wanted him back.Holidays were different now.My mom was hurting.My sister and I did get closer.But then on November 30,2008 I received another phone call at 7:00 am and was told my 24 year old daughter had been killed in a car accident. The pain and shock were worse then I had ever felt in my life and the grief I had for my brother well..I guess was pushed aside.I had been dealt the worse kind of grief I can possibly ever feel.I'm still try to figure it all out. I miss my daughter more then words can express.But I also miss my brother too.I sure could have used him here.But another part of me is so glad he is with my daughter watching over her.Cause he sure did love her.Maybe that's why he was taken first.I just don't know.

Date Posted:18:37:09 05/30/10 Sun
In 1973, I lost my younger brother to cancer. I was eight, and he was only seven, a mere 11 months younger than I was. The experience was terrible for us all, and -- in retrospect -- made worse by the fact that we just didn't talk about it. Nevertheless, I always remembered his birthday (in Sept) and the anniversary of his death (Feb). This year -- 2010 -- a full 37 years later -- Feb 12 went by without my remembering him. When I realized what had happened a few days later, I cried. I'm still in a bit of shock. What does this mean???

Date Posted:18:16:51 04/30/10 Fri
My brother was longboarding down an ally near our home when he was hit by a non speeding, completely sober driver. He was fourteen at the time and I was twelve. I am now a freshman in highschool, and I am finding it extremely difficult to do the things that he never got the chance to do. For example, driving, completing my freshman year, etc. Everyone I have talked to about this says the same thing, "You need to live your own life", or "He wouldn't want to put that burden of finishing his life for him on you", etc. But I can't seem to absorb any of it, nothing seems to help. I make small breakthroughs every once in awhile, but I usually always find myself back at point A. I'm just reaching out for anything, or anyone that may know what I am feeling.
Thanks,
Olivia.

Date Posted:17:30:41 05/08/10 Sat
Dear Olivia,
It sounds like what you are experiencing is the survival guilt that Dr. White says is the most troubling part of being a surviving sibling. I agree with the people who say that you have to live your own life, but I understand completely what you are going through. Every time I accomplish something, there is this little voice that says my brother didn't get to, and what have I done with my life to have it make sense that I'm the one who survived? All I can say is that it does change as time passes. Time will be your best friend--know that in time, the whole experience of loss and trauma and guilt will fade (never completely) but it will be so much easier to deal with. Keep on looking ahead.

Date Posted:05:08:57 01/23/10 Sat
When i was 19, my 21 year old brother Richard committed suicide. I am now 33 and next week will be the 14th anniversary of his death. The anniversary trigger for me this year is not of Richard. It is why myself, my Mother and my Father are still so effected by this so many years later. We are still very unstable, unfulfilled, we are still frozen in time. Im still very vunerable, i survived my own attemped 5 weeks ago and feel like a failure as i have not achieved the life goals i set for myself when i was around 14/15 years old. I want to know when this will end and i can begin to rebuild my life. It feels like it will always be like this.

Date Posted:18:14:55 01/31/10 Sun
Something similar happened to me and I started feeling better when I went to the doctor and got medication.. I had been in therapy for 5 years and it did not help (because I didn't talk about it)--after 4 months on medicine, I was a different person.

Date Posted:13:34:16 04/21/10 Wed
Hello...I feel for you in the loss of your brother. It's such a deep loss - the loss of a sibling. I know it well - I'm approaching the 6th anniversary of my brother's suicide this coming May. (I wrote a book about it - <a rel=nofollow target=_blank href="http://www.donaleensaul.com/books)">http://www.donaleensaul.com/books)</a> It's a bittersweet feeling - I feel my love for him more keenly this time of year and also his absence. My heart goes out to you. You are most definitely not alone.

Date Posted:19:31:05 01/12/10 Tue
I was 15 and was to start high school in three days, and was babysitting my brother age 8 at time and sister age 6 at the time. My sister asked if she could go with my brother to his friends house. They left on their bikes. That was the last time I saw her alive. about 10-15 minutes later my brother came running into the house telling me she had died. I didn't believe him. We hopped on our bikes, and there, two blocks away, there was little sister lying in the street in a pool of blood. They wouldn't letme go to her, I just wanted to hold her. Instead I had to call my mother, and find my grandmother. My brother stayed at his friends. When I got to the hospital I heard my mom cry out No!, and I knew she was dead. I was just diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder this year, having to due with her death. I am just now, at age 42, starting to process the events that happened that day.

Date Posted:00:19:12 01/13/10 Wed
My heart goes out to you about what happened to your sister and to you on that day. I'm glad you have started processing it so that you can make some meaning from this event. I was that age when I started dealing with mine.
Although I still can't tolerate stress terribly well, it is much better now.
I highly recommend either Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, whichever group is active in your community. The first time I went to the convention and met other people who felt responsible for their sibling's death really helped me so much. There was quite a large group--some had been driving when they had an accident and their brothers or sisters were killed. Some were babysitting (as adults) much younger siblings who were hit by cars and so forth. Please get in touch with one of these groups--they can help.

Date Posted:17:05:41 12/20/09 Sun
At the suggestion of my counselor, I have been searching for a support site. Tonight, I may have found it. For now, I am reading other posts and hope to find the support I have been needing. My heart is broken. The loss of my older brother is so raw and hurts so much.

Date Posted:16:43:57 02/20/08 Wed
I lost my only sibling this past April. His name was Jason and he was two years older than me. At age 25 he chose to end his own life with a gun in my the backyard where we grew up. We were very close as children, and had become recently closer. I struggle everyday because I feel like my intuition was telling me that something was wrong, and I ignored it. He wanted me to go out with him and his friends the day before he did this and I was too busy with my own friends. I wasn't able to say goodbye. I hate being the only child now. My parents are a mess and I secretly am. I teach 4th grade and I am forced to fake happy all day. When I get home I often stay inside and keep to myself. I have haunting nightmares and I relive the day everything happened over and over again. I am longing to find somebody who has dealt with a similar sibling loss to see if what I am feeling is normal.

Date Posted:10:10:38 02/24/08 Sun
Dear Katie,
Your brother's death is similar to mine, except that my brother killed himself with carbon monoxide. It was ten years ago but I still think about him every day. You are still in the early days of loss. Faking happy might be the best thing for you right now, as long as you don't have to be phony ALL the time. What helped me was going to a Compassionate Friends group and expressing my feelings in a group. It really helped --I felt supported in a way that I had not experienced before and my healing began that day. I saw that people can go on and live their lives, but by helping others to get through their immediate grief, they were helped too. I hope you are able to find a group. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, and do what it takes to get through each hour and day until the pain is less and the happiness is real.

Date Posted:08:42:13 03/17/08 Mon
Katie--I am responding to let you know that yes, what you feel is normal. My words may not bring you comfort but at least you know you are not alone. I stumbled upon your post because I was looking for a memorial poem for my brother, Robbie, who committed suicide on April 6, 1998. He was 28 years old and like your brother, shot himself in the garage of my dad and stepmom's house. It has been ten years, TEN YEARS, and although I have learned to carry on it only takes one thought, reminder, song, face, word, ANYTHING to take me back to that time. The grief will subside but will never leave completely. The guilt will subside but will never leave completely. It is a very strange feeling because it never goes away. For me, it lingers in the deepest pits of my soul and does not show itself on the outside but remains there on the inside. I could go on and on but I am speaking from a different place than where you are now because your brother's death is still very fresh. All I can say is whatever you are feeling no matter when and where, find a way to express it. If you feel like it is an inappropriate time or place, excuse yourself to the bathroom or somewhere and try to release it. I hope you have a good support system you didn't mention your parents. I was 23 years old at the time and had an almost two year old child (he's 11 now) and had it not been for the support of my friends and family, things probably would have turned out very differently for me. I hope and pray you have someone you can talk to, I am including my e-mail address if you want to know more, I am no expert by any means, just someone who was "left behind" also.

Date Posted:20:58:07 04/13/08 Sun
Hi, I lost my only sister almost 2 years ago from congestive heart failure. I found her. She died in her sleep. I cannot even describe the pain that I have been through. I can't stand to really be around people anymore. I have to put on a game face at work, and by the days end, I'm exhausted. My husband completely ignores me going through my grief. He claims he don't know what to say. I have been mad at him for 2 years cause he just hasn't been there for me emotionally, then wants me to have sex with him. Anyone else's husband reacts the same way? I don't have what you would call friends, only associates. So, I'm alone a lot, and I have flashbacks from finding her all the time. I have been to a therapist, that didn't help me. I have been to grief counseling at church. That didnt help. I have tried reading bible scriptures. I never feel at peace. I'm always wound up, because I'm angry that I have to go through this alone. My mom is in another state. She and I talk everyday, and some days I don't even want to talk to her or anyone. My sis and I were very close. I cry almost everyday. And I constantly dream about her. Some days I don't want to go on. I am hurting so bad, and I'm so alone......I found this board just surfing. I send out condolences to everyone on here that has lost someone. The doctor tried putting me on anti depressants, and that didnt work either. I have no kids. I seriously need help...

Date Posted:19:21:52 11/14/09 Sat
dearest andrea this sight is all new to me i just lost my sweet sister shirley jean three weeks ago .ten days later my big brother died as well way too much in a month both were batteling with cancer both were strong didnt complain Im so proud to be their sister its certainly ok to cry proves loyalty i know youre heart is heavy with pain my husband thinks im being childish if i cry its difficult to act as if nothing has happened. I cant even deal with his bull t ,right now i ask uor lord to give me strength everyday my anxiety is haywire medication Ativan is the only thing that helps me deal with all this sadness stay strong Bless you!

Date Posted:14:47:21 09/11/08 Thu
hi, i have the exact situation you are in. my husband and i are total strangers now and it has been 7 months since i lost my sister. he doesn't know what to say or how to act. i cry constantly for my sister. she was my best friend. i am so alone, its painful. i am on anti-anxiety pills, which help somewhat. andrea

Date Posted:21:19:54 11/29/09 Sun
I can relate to what you are feeling andrea. I lost my sister in Aug (cancer) she was so brave and put up a valiant fight. You should try to think of waht your sister would have wanted for you. I am sure she would be unhappy if you can't communicate with your husband even though it sounds like he is standing by you. He does not want to do the wrong thing so it may seem like he is doing nothing.
My sis and I talked almost every day we had kids the same age, we partied together, we were totally best friends. I love her kidsand want to be strong but honestly I feel so angry that she is gone, and then get guilty when I pick out other people I think would make life better for everyone if they were dead instead of her. I also was sad because of her illness I couldn't talk to her about "my" problems or worries . It left a big void of someone who always understood me. that what we both miss for sure. I know this is strange but I don't feel she left me I feel colon cancer "took her" and that for sure sucks. I am sorry I don't know if this helped, if you need to talk I will listen
I wish you the best , and hope we can get through the holidays with out bringing other people we love down.

Date Posted:13:47:38 09/09/08 Tue
Katie, I kind of know what you are going through. I came home from college for Labor Day weekend in 1981 from my first weekend at college. My boyfriend was coming over so my brother went out. He never came home. He did not commit suicide, however, something happened and he blacked out at the wheel and was killed in a car accident. I blamed myself for a long time, thinking that if I only had stayed home by myself, he would have stayed home and would be alive now. But, that isn't the case. Things happen for a reason and will happen one way or another. I am sorry that you did not get to say bye to your brother. I did not either. But, I say hello to him every day. Every day I talk to him and we just had his 27th anniversary of his death. I still miss him, but he is with me everyday, just as is your brother. He is now your guardian angel. He is there to help you and will help you. Look to him for guidance and strength. He would not want you living your life in turmoil. He would want you to live on the best way that you can. I have turned my loss of my only brother and the best friend anyone could ever have, and am now writing a book on coping with the loss of a sibling. Letting people now that you can turn a tragedy into something positive. It doesn't seem like you can move on now...but time will help. your brother will help. Let him. Good luck to you and my prayers are with you and your family to see that you can move on and live your life the way your brother would have wanted you to.

Date Posted:09:39:39 11/19/09 Thu
It was around 10 something when I got the call they wanted to speak to my mother. I asked why but they wouldnít tell me. Thatís when they said we need to speak to your mom because something has happened with
Crystal Price age 16 at the time. She was in a accident. Thatís when I called my mom and told her, then she rushed over to find out that Crystal wasnít wearing her seatbelt and she went through the windshield. And she didnít make it. Crystal lived in a group home 7 or 8 other girls. One of the girls asked Crystal if she wanted to sneak out and go for a walk, and she replied yes. But the girl lied she had called up some boys earlier that day to see if they can come pick them up. Thatís when crystal got in the car and we never seen her again. Crystal Price left our Mom, our little brother Marcus, and me.

Date Posted:07:28:51 09/11/05 Sun
I have been reading this message board and have been trying to figure out how to condense my story. I am the youngest of 8 kids and when I was 10, my 18 year old sister died of cancer 2 weeks before her High School graduation. My last living image of her was when my parents were taking her to the hospital for the last time and she was gasping for breath in the back seat of their car. The day she died, I was supposed to go see her so I never technically got to say goodbye. After her death, everyone simply went their own way in an effort ot cope and, I believe, survive. I became the "oldest" in the sense that I became hypersensitive about making sure everyone was OK. I never talked to anyone about her death and when my anxiety escalated as I was about to graduate from HS (on the anniversary of her death, no less) my parents took me to a psychologist who said I was the "all american girl". I guess in the back of my mind I figured anxiety was going to be a way of life for me. About 5 years ago, my anxiety raged out of control and I began to see a wonderful therapist but the piece I was missing was talking to someone else who has been through the same thing as I had been through. I began my search a few months ago and found this website. For the most part, my anxiety is under control but every once in a while, it spikes. So, is there anyone out there who as not only experienced the death of a sib in childhood but has battled anxiety, and if so, is there hope to ever resolve this childhood trauma? I'm in my late 30's now and it continues to play itself out in the form of being fearful of the day my parents die.I just love them so much and am in such awe of how they survived watching their child die over a period of a year. Suggestions anyone?

Date Posted:20:08:32 09/12/05 Mon
Hi Mary,
Glad that you found us, as many of us have experienced the loss of a sibling during childhood. I've lost a sister when I was a 11 and a brother later in life. Like you, I am hypersensitive to all that are around me and spend much of my time making sure that everyone is alright.
Through childhood, I did not talk about my sister's death. Somehow it distinguished me from other children and I did not want to stand out in anyway. Now, most people are uncomfortable around me, because talking about death is a natural conversation for me.
I do experience anxiety at times, but mostly around the anniversary death dates of my siblings. I do obssess at times about my parents death, oh heck my brother's and my partner's death as well. My worry is not as frequent as it used to be. After my 2nd sibling died, I developed sort of a "come what may" attitude.
Mary, you sound like most of us, I have days that really get me down and then sometimes sail right through a particular rough period of time without a hitch. Losing a sibling in childhood impacts your for the rest of your life. It is almost like you have to grow accustomed to living without them during each new phase of your life.

I don't think we totally every get over it, but I'm better able to cope with my emotions most days. I attribute my good days mostly to the fact that I communicating with other siblings on this site.

Date Posted:19:18:17 09/14/05 Wed
Mary,
Wow, your question really makes me have to think for awhile. Most of the time, I feel that when my anxiety is heightened, it is best to face my feelings. When I try to bury them, they just resurface later and at either inappropriate times or even more intense then before.
The difference between losing my first sibling and second sibling, is that I did not have the emotional maturity to deal with the first one. When my brother died, I allowed myself to grieve and cried for almost 6 months (except for when I was working). Through facing his death, it helped me to face hers.
His death after losing my sister also helped me to understand a very simple principle about death. We lose the people we love or they lose us. Sounds simple, but treating people differently because you might lose them is not a bad idea. But allowing their feelings or lives to be more important than yours can cause problems.
I have tried to learn to face my own emotions and balance my relationship with my family. I am more likely to state my needs and talk about my emotions as well as still listen to theirs. None of this has occured overnight, my brother died a week before Christmas 1998 and my sister died in 1968. My family dynamics changed drastically both times and neither time was I prepared for the changes. But as my siblings' deaths changed me, it also changed everyone else as well.
Hope this helps a little, there is no right way for anyone to face the loss of a loved one or the resulting anxiety it can cause. But now when I get overly anxious, it helps to stop myself and try to face the emotion.

Date Posted:08:26:44 09/23/05 Fri
Hi Mary,
Thanks for your reply. I've been working hard over the past few years to "process" my grief, and have missed an important step. By simply trying to "deal" with and "address" this loss, I kept it at an intellectual level and forgot to tell myself that it was "OK" to feel the pain associated with it. As odd as that sounds, I've been really hard on myself and have engaged in a lot of negative self- talk (e.Why can't I get over this? Why can't I deal with this?). I believe this has been a unconscious form of resisting the goal I was trying to achieve.(Perhaps survivor guilt...anxiety keeps me connected to the pain of losing her). I know I have more work to do and that only I can do it. However, I can't underestimate the power of connecting with people who have had the experience of losing a sibling.
It will continue to be an important part of the healing process.

Date Posted:12:09:08 02/09/07 Fri
I lost my beautiful brother 2 years ago in a car accident. he was only 17 and being 13 years older than him i was some what of a second mum to him. His death distroyed my family, but at the same time it brought us closer. My family has also had to go throgh a court trial over his death meaning that we've had to replay what our emotions were over and over again. my mother has gone to so many psychics trying to reach my brother. Sadly i do think that its the only connection that she has got with her son. But some think good allways comes out of some thing bad i have learnt so much a a person and i'm training to be a nurse, i want to help save a life of some one in the same situation as my brother because then he would not of died in vain and i would think that it would of all been worth the pain.

Yes, I have experienced the same as you. I was 10 when my baby brother died (he was 18 months old). I am now 60 and have suffered from anxiety all my life. In fact, I am going through some bad anxiety now for which I am seeing a counsellor. I think what I have learned is that due to the fact that our family circumstances were that the death was not talked about, then I didn't fully grieve. Also, what you say is right, we are more sensitive to things that are going on around us. I especially worry about those close to me, but there are some marvellous articles on this site which are helping me at present going through counselling. If you ever want to chat things over, please get in touch. You are not alone. Love Sandra

Date Posted:14:10:23 07/08/08 Tue
Wow, reading this thread has been an eye-opener.

I'm now 52. I lost two sisters in childhood: one was in infant, when I was five. The other died during birth (that was supposed to be normal) two years later.

After the first death, I had some kind of huge anxiety attack that went on for months -- starting maybe six weeks later? I remember I had no name for what I was feeling, and it wasn't until I was grown that I realized it was anxiety. My parents did try to help; they took me to a child psychologist at the suggestion of our family doctor, and all I remember about that is being annoyed at missing Saturday cartoons!

I remember not wanting to eat but being freaky if my mother threw my food away (I once hid a dried-out hamburger in foil under my bed for weeks.) I remember going ballistic when my mother attempted to leave me at school; I couldn't let her out of my sight for weeks.

As an adult, the anxiety resurfaced. It's pretty much been my constant companion for 20 years now. GAD every day, with periodic panic attacks, and now I'm developing agorophobia.

Lately it's flared up more, as my youngest sister just lost her month-old infant. I suppose it's a bit of a flashback for me.

I've been to shrinks and LCSWs and doctors. I've done therapy (slightly comforting to useless) and medications. At this point in my life, I know that anxiety won't kill me; I just pop half a Xanax when I feel an attack coming or have stiff drink. I won't take Prozac or the like any more (one doctor had me up to 80 mg a day, and anxiety still "broke through"); I'll just deal with it my own way.

I never really thought about sibling deaths having "wired" me this way, but reading what others have said here is making me think about that.

Date Posted:08:04:25 11/07/09 Sat
So sorry about your recent loss. We here have all lost brothers or sisters so we do have an idea of what you are going through. Come anytime you want to ramble with your thoughts. Cancer is particularly hard to watch and it takes some time to bounce back after this kind of loss. Keep in mind that you are living your life and carrying his memories too. His life was about more than his death--don't let that be the only thing you remember.

Date Posted:23:42:00 07/28/09 Tue
I just need to ramble I'm so sad I lost my only brother on June 19,2009 he had cancer and many recent complications. He over came all the hurtles once and I figure he do it again but it wasnt so. I feel there was still so much for us to do, say and experience. I wonder why life is so unfair he was a good person with a great heart. I miss him and feel guilty I didnt visit enough call enough. I know life must go on but I have this piece missing! :(

Date Posted:19:57:05 09/02/09 Wed
I came across this amazing site today on the anniversary of my sister's passing. It is now 16 years and it sometimes feels like yesterday and other days I can't even remember her voice anymore. She was my younger sister and my only sibling. She was 29 at the time and I was 31.She had Hodgkins disease Stage III. (cancer) I have spent many years with survivors guilt and it was very hard. I felt as thought I needed to protect and be there for my parents and I have now come to terms with my own life. I realize that it is ok to smile and be happy and that doesn't take away from her death. It doesn't make my love for her any less. I want to enjoy what life has to offer me as I don't know what each day has to bring me.
It makes me sad to read all the stories we each have to share but I feel a connection with each of you. For many years I always felt as though my voice wasn't important only the voice of the poor parents who lost their child. Well dam it I do count as well and I lost a very important, significant person in my life as well.
I hope we can each come to terms with our loss and realize that we need to enjoy our lives with the time we have left and to also realize that we are the people we are today because of the siblings we had in our lives.
I wish everyone a day to smile and try to find the positive side of each day. I am starting to have this in my life and I only want to be around people who have fun and not depressing. It takes too much out of me.
I hope we can each give each other strength and try to remember each other's stories as they are so important to us all.
SIncerely;
Sherry

Date Posted:14:09:44 09/07/09 Mon
Dear Sherry,
I'm so glad you found us! It sounds like you are headed in the right direction, living your own life. It is a terrible loss, especially when you are as close in age as you and your sister. My heart goes out to you.
Peg

Date Posted:19:19:42 09/07/09 Mon
Thanks Peg for your comment.As much as I'm trying to get on with my life it's so hard for y niece. My niece who is almost 21 is really having a hard time. She doesn't remember my sister and she really doesn't have a great relationship with her father. Sometimes she seems so lost. She has quit university after two years and she is still looking for work. I'm reading the book Motherless Daughters to try and see what I can do to help her. It's an amazing book and I really recommend it. Sherry

Date Posted:05:31:35 07/24/09 Fri
I lost my only sibling on Sept. 11, 2009 of cancer. He suffered so greatly emotionally, physically and mentally for the last four months of his life. He was my best friend, mentor, confidante and epitomized achievement, success and most important of all - a kind, caing, sensitive soul. I feel lost without him. We shared a past, present and what I had hoped would be a future together with all of life's ups and downs. Steve was my role model and the best father, son, brother and husband anyone could hope to know. Each month seems harder because in part, I have had difficulty in accepting that he is really gone from this life. We were only 18 months apart. I am 53yrs and Steve was 54yrs. If anyone can give some advice it would be most appreciated. Thank -you.

Date Posted:14:42:33 07/27/09 Mon
I am so sorry for your loss. I fully understand what you are going through. I lost my sister in October 2008 and have not yet been able to accept that she is gone. It has been very hard for me as well. We were very close. What might help is if you have someone you can talk to. Maybe even some one who has gone through this kind of loss so they will understand your feelings. I have some one like that and talking to him is very healing. I still am hurting so very much but talking does help. Also, just keep the memory of your brother alive.

Date Posted:10:21:03 04/25/09 Sat
Only a few short months ago I laid to rest my only brother. He was handsome, successful, athletic and most
importantly, kind. I haven't been able to wrap my mind
around his sudden and unexpected passing. He was an avid
runner, and only minutes following a jog just prior to
heading into his office, his heart stopped...

How? Why? I cannot move forward and the tears come at any
given time...

The profound sadness and overwhelming feeling of loss is
simply too much...don't think I can do this.

Date Posted:17:34:16 06/05/09 Fri
My brother died at the gym just after exercising--he had a heart attack.
It took a long time but I am at a place now that allows me to enjoy the moment--stay in the moment, no matter what I am doing.
You are just beginning this journey--it has sadness, but also beauty and hope. Stay in the moment.

Date Posted:03:55:48 07/24/09 Fri
Jade, When I read your description of your brother, it struck a nerve with me. I lost my dear only sibling on Sept. 11, 2008 of an insidious form of Lymphoma. His last four months in the hospital were horrific. I understand your thinking at this point and agree that even tomorrow seems to much to contend with. My thoughts are with you at this time. I am new to the group; and although I did notice your message date, I felt compelled to reply. I can only say that Jade was lucky to have such a caring sibling such as you. Take good care of yourself. Sincerely, Donna

Date Posted:20:56:15 07/16/09 Thu
The 1st anniversary of my brother's death is almost over and I'm glad to have made it through! I didn't think I would get worked up over this day, but this has hit me surprisingly hard. I'm feeling many emotions all at once: severe sadness, protectiveness over my parents, relief that this day has come and almost gone. I've lost both of my younger brothers now and sometimes feel like my family is disappearing around me. David was murdered almost 18 years ago when he was 21, Jim died last July at the age of 34 due to complications with juvenile diabetes. The pain never goes away, but becomes a part of your life that comes and goes in varying degrees. I'm grateful to have my own children to tell them stories of their wonderful uncles--to bring back good memories helps tremendously. Thanks for sharing all your stories here, to let me know I'm not alone in this.

Date Posted:13:36:25 07/17/09 Fri
I have not made it to the one-year anniversary of my sister's death yet but I can only imagine how hard it will be since the monthly anniversaries have been very hard for me. I understand how you felt alone. I did as well until I found this site on the computer. There is a reason that we felt alone. People just don't think that a sibling loss is a big deal. But as you and I both know, it is a VERY big deal. It will help if you have somebody you can trust to talk to. It would be even better if that person has already gone through this loss. I have someone like that and it has helped me tremendously talking to him. I am still hurting like crazy but talking does help.

Date Posted:14:13:04 06/26/09 Fri
I lost my sister, my only sibling 8 months ago. I am still so very numb. I feel so alone. There were 10 years between us but we were so very close. We did so much together. We traveled, went to movies, and just did so much together. It has left such an empty spot inside me. I was wondering if there is anyone else that has lost a sibling that was far apart in age but yet was so very close in heart.

Date Posted:06:54:18 06/30/09 Tue
I lost my sister last monday in a sudden accident. We were 9 1/2 years apart. We went to a lot of places together. We talked on the phone everyday. I do have another sister,and 2 brothers, but my sister that passed away were the closest.

Date Posted:21:11:05 05/10/07 Thu
My only sister died from bulimia February 12, 2007. We did not know it until it was to late. I loved her so much. She had just turned 35 December 20th. She had two children. a son 15 and a daughter 12. They have also been having a hard time. She hid it so well. Divine Caroline.com just published her story last week. I seen errors on it and can not even get a hold of them to fix it. But if you would like to read about things that happened to her you can go there.
I have not been dealing with her loss at all. My family does not know that I have not been dealing with it, because I don't want anyone to be upset more than they already are.
We're also dealing with dad, he has lung cancer. So that is making even harder. The doctor said in December that it was incurable. We went Monday to get more scans to see what the cancer is doing.
I'm afraid if he finds it has got worse, he may do something. It is like he does not want to go on since she is gone. He had mentioned something before,but I told him I needed him too.

Date Posted:05:44:28 05/27/07 Sun
I'm so sorry that you are going through so much right now. I think it seems like that sometimes, that everything happens at once. It must have been a shock when your sister died. But please hang in there--in time things will get better.

Date Posted:14:01:40 06/26/09 Fri
I totally understand where you are coming from about not letting your family know you are not dealing with the loss. I lost my only sister just 8 months ago and it has been so very hard for me. I have not let on to my family how hard it has been either. But you do need to deal with the loss. I suggest that if you have a friend or a cousin or anyone you can trust who may have already gone through this to talk to them. I have a cousin who lost a brother a few years ago and I have been talking to him. He has been a tremendous help. It is still very hard but I promise it will help.

Date Posted:13:36:14 05/02/09 Sat
My best friend passed away very suddenly a little over a year ago. Dealing with the unexpected passing of such an amazing person has been extremely difficult for all who were close to her, but I have been growing increasingly concerned for her family. I fear that her parents may be taking out their anger on their surviving child, who is also a dear friend of mind. I don't know what to do to help her. If anyone has had a similar experience or has advice about how to deal with it, I would very much appreciate you sharing them with me. Thank you.

Date Posted:17:30:50 06/05/09 Fri
According to Dr White's book, this is something that happens with children but I guess it happens with adults too. My sense is your friend's sibling needs your support. Here is a poem that sort of captures it:
Now that I am gone,
Remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
Cry with your brother or sister
Who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms around someone
And give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.

I want to leave you something,
Something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
Or helped in some way.
Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
By letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
By embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
Give me away as best you can.

Date Posted:21:47:59 05/09/09 Sat
I deeply need to know someone can please relate to my feelings. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends but.... my story is this. I lost my precious brother in Feb this year. He had severe brain damage/ CP from birth. He passed away the day before is 36th birthday. He has never walked or talked. He could not sit up. He was in all of 65lbs and his life was so full difficulty and suffering... yet full of life ,smiles and eyes that would shine.he was such an amazing little boy ! We cared for him at home and he was truly a gift from heaven.( I'm 38) big sister ! I never felt jealous of him only guilty or sad for daily challenges in life. Does life get better? I'm having a hard time moving forward in life and i'm full of so many types of emotions. I'm empty without my precious brother to love and care for. Has anyone out there gone thru many years of caring for chronic illness of sibling and lost them... feeling like you died with them. By the way his life inspired me to become a Nurse ! He was my little hero and I miss him deeply. My thoughts go to all of you who are hurting for however you may have lost your sibling! I hear time will help us heal.

Date Posted:17:28:13 06/05/09 Fri
Hello,
I do feel I have some understanding of what you are feeling. My sister died at an early age with a chronic genetic condition. I still miss her so much. But like you I turned my career into a way I could use the experience to help others and I became a advocate for at-risk children. This gives my life meaning. And you are right-time is a healer if you use the time to grieve and make some kind of sense of the loss.

Date Posted:18:36:54 02/03/09 Tue
I am just looking for some advice about how to adjust to this life with my brother gone. We lost him almost five years ago and I still cannot find a "new" or "normal" direction in my life. Does anyone understand this feeling?
Share thoughts with me- siblinggrief.com

My sister died six and a half years ago, and in some ways I am still trying adjust to life without her also. I was 21 years old and in college when she died, and I spent the first couple of years just trying to get through college and grad school and trying to keep my parents from falling completely apart. I hate it when people ask me how many siblings I have - she was my only sibling, but I still don't think of myself as an only child after having a sister for 21 years. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with this loss without letting it control my life. I don't want to forget her, but at the same time I want to be able to live my life to the fullest and be happy. I don't really have any advice for you right now, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

Date Posted:01:12:00 03/12/09 Thu
Hi, I lost my sister 10th November 2008. She was 41 years old and left two young girls aged 5 and 7. She had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer three years ago and had many operations over the three years. The radiotherapy that they gave her was so strong that it ruined her tubes in her throat. She hadn't eaten or drank anything for the last 18months of her life. Her last operation was on the 4th November 08. She pulled through even though they found a blood clot in her lungs. (After she had died the consultant told us they had also found another cancerous lump in her throat but had decided not to tell my sister or any of the family so that she could recovery from her op. The op was to remove her voice box and this was meant to be the start of a new life for her. My other sister and I saw her on the Sunday and she looked well and had written to her daughters saying that they could come and visit her in a couple of days. The next morning I texted her like I always did and got no reply. 10mins later my other sister rang to say that she had hemerraged (spelt wrong)and had died.
Four months on I miss her like mad, we spoke everyday and I miss that contact so much. I feel like I still have so much to say to her but that has been taken away now. Not sure how to move on. She was the middle sister and even though I still have one big sister who is great that gap is still there for both of us. Sometimes I feel that our family is pulling apart as we are all at different stages of our grief.

Date Posted:19:15:44 04/17/09 Fri
Dear Suzanne,
I'm so sorry for your loss--you described it so well, I felt like I was experiencing it with you. There is something so poignant about a woman dying and leaving behind her children. I know that you will always love her and your nieces will find something of their mom in you. Please don't stop writing to her and talking to her even though she has passed on. Just put one foot in front of the other and take it day by day. She was blessed to have a sister like you.
Ruth

Date Posted:09:42:13 04/19/09 Sun
Hi. The date of your sisters death jumped out at me. 11/10/08 was my little sisters last birthday.It still seems surreal to say. My sister dies on March 11, 2009 of an overdose of Methadone. I get up every day and read story after story of how this person lost someone and that person lost someone, It's like being a member of a club that you never wanted to join but can't leave. I pray for you and yours - please pray for me and mine. This is a pain that just doesn't stop.

Date Posted:01:15:37 02/10/09 Tue
I feel so crushed, and full of sorrow...

On Jan 21st my big brother shot himself in the right temple... the Doctors at the hospital said that he didn't die immediately, so he had time to suffer...

What in God's name am I supposed to do? My family has taken such a beating over the last couple of years... my mom and dad were both diagnosed with 2 different types of cancer (lungs for dad, and pancreas for mom). My best friend died almost 2 years ago 2 weeks before my wedding... Now I have a daughter that i have to stay strong for, so i can't just lose my mind for a while... I'm stuck, and afraid... what do I do? What can i possibly do?

Date Posted:15:41:05 02/12/09 Thu
It sounds so trite to say, hang in there. I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry. My brother shot himself 20 years ago, and I remember asking the same questions, again and again, tho' hardly ever had the courage to ask out loud.
Find a safe place, even if only for a few moments, to express. write. talk. cry. scream. and repeat... For me, it was a whole new chapter. Who I was "before" was now gone, and it took me a long time to accept that. But there are still parts of you that are the same, and the strongest parts of WHO you are is what you hold on to.
It's ok for kids to see emotion, tho' being sensitive to what your daughter can handle shows how strong you already are. Keep that up. I'm finding ways to talk about my brother with my two - 4yrs and 2yrs - not forced, but as they see a picture, hear his name. It's hard, very hard, but it IS manageable.
get therapy. And if you don't like one therapist, or group, find another. They will listen.
Acknowledge every feeling you have. Today, I am sad because my son will never know his uncle. This minute, I feel _____, and it is affecting ________ about my day.
My own feelings have run the gamut... even now, twenty yrs later, I'm dealing with regret at not having 'dealt' with some issues I could have earlier.
Hang in there. It's not going to be easy, but you will get through this.
Peace.

Date Posted:09:57:41 07/13/08 Sun
My sister died aged 54 on May 4th 2008. Her condition was multiple system atrophy and she was in hospital for 3 months before she died. She simply shut down slowly and we were not aware of her exact condition until 4 days before she died. Our relationship was unusual in that she was my only sister and was 10 years younger than I am. So we didn't share a childhood together, but when I was small she was a mother figure to me and I suffered huge separation anxiety when she went away to uni and then moved to the States. She did come back to the UK but then we always seemed to be at different stages in our lives at different times. I can't believe she is dead. I saw her body but my constant question is "where are you"? I feel angry towards her sons because thay don't appear to be grieving at all. At the moment I cry most days because of some trigger that sets me off. I have just read "sibling grief" -the book- and am taking the opportunity to post. Thanks for reading. Kathy.

Date Posted:21:41:54 07/21/08 Mon
Dear Kathy,
Thanks for posting about your sister. May 4th is not long ago, so your grief is still fresh. It will take time. I understand what you mean about her sons not grieving, but there is no doubt that males and females have their own unique ways to grieve. Those who are not psychologically or emotionally strong enough to grieve will have to deal with it later in life. I think this must be harder for you because you never got your relationship with her in the place you wanted it to be and now it seems like it is too late. I once heard someone say that death ends a life, but not a relationship, and I believe that to be true.

I think before you loose someone, if there are gaps in your relationship you still think that time will eventually sort it out, especially if you are living abroad. Work commitments and children tend to limit visiting possiblities. Unfortunately a sudden bereavement knocks those assumptions on the head and its an extra load to deal with ... on top of the loss of a dear one.

Date Posted:16:35:28 11/22/08 Sat
Hello Kathy, When reading your message, I was immediately understanding of your loss. My only sibling, an older brother, passed away Sept. 11, 2008. He had leukemia and was in the hospital for a stem cell transplant that ultimately failed. The leukemia transformed in to an aggressive form of Lymphoma. I was a caretaker for three months and saw my dearest brother deteriorate although was told that he would still pull through. That was one week prior to his passing. I cannot accept losing him as Steve was my hero and the one who loved me the most in this world. My heart goes out to you. With sincere condolescence, donna

Date Posted:22:05:01 10/26/08 Sun
I had finished reading your book. There was so many things that you wrote about that made sense. The life space was what really made an impact on me. I lost my older sister 6 years ago. she died at the afe of 43 from a brain aneursym.. no one knew she had that.. so much happened---her son found her and because he didn't know what happened to her, he thought she was murdered. the police actually took him into custody and interrogated him--it wasn't until the autopsy that we all knew what happened. My sister and I are very close-- only 18 months apart.. we are like night and day but complimented each other, supported each other, loved each other.not by words but my actions. we always have been close, talked many times throughout the day & evening.. our calls never started with hello or byes--it was , watcha doing? and call me later -- i miss her so very very much and after readiing some other posts here, i understand that will never go away.. i try really hard not to be depressed and like others have written, do a good job about keeping it together for everyone.. I planned her funeral, dressed her, did her hair and make up and still don't know how i did that.. i felt her there helping me--telling me. don't mess up my fingernails cause you know how messy you are! Life was so fun with her here-- she was my venting partner, my best friend... i don't know why she didn't show any signs of that aneurysm.. no headaches, nothing-- i am afraid that my life will never get better... that without her i am just a shell of who i once was.. i am scared that i am pushing away my spouse and that my children wonder when i will ever be what i used to be.. i do not see my brothers... that makes me miss her more -- sometimes i feel like this a dream and i will wake up and call her and say, gee you won't beleive the horrible nightmare i had... i feel awful that i am not there for her sons, like i should be.. when i read other people's post here, i am not sure if it makes me feel better or not.. i do not want to be on medication but feel that i am depressed... i keep wanting her here... to grow old with-make fun of our wrinkles, take about when menopause will hit, make fun of our brothers, i miss her laughter-- i miss how nothing seemed impossible as long as we were here--i have friends but not like her.... in fact i think my friends distance themselves becuase i am not the same person they use to depend on... and i don't care...

Date Posted:19:17:03 10/30/08 Thu
Hello,
What you wrote was such a lovely piece about your relationship--there is nothing quite like having a sister who you trust. I wanted to share with you what someone told me that has helped--death ends a life, but not a relationship. You knew her so well and were so close that you carry her with you. You know how she would have responded in any situation. Don't stop relating to her now--she is still a part of you.

Date Posted:22:00:04 10/31/08 Fri
Hi thanks for your encouraging words. i do feel her with me--part of me now...it's just that it's a different life--almost like losing one of my five senses but gettiing another one to compensate.. for example i was having a really bad day yesterday--being really argumentative with my spouse-- i was angry and not sure why...not that isn't true i was angry because i still have her items in boxes and i was trying to figure out what i was going to do with them-- part of me thought--is it time to sort and get rid of her things? she is such a pack rat-- i would tell her this all the time--so i managed to toss somethings and keep others-- i still have one box to do.. then i was throwing away old xmas boxes (after arguing with my spouse about HIS clutter) and then a box that she have given me for a xmas present fell out of the other boxes.. the tag had her handwriting (very neat)To giovanni from rosanne felt like she was telling me, "cut him some slack, don't be so hard on him" she always knew how to settle me down.. and i cried some more over this box..and thanking God for this sign.. the box is still there... not sure when i will throw it away....

Date Posted:00:58:42 11/01/08 Sat
Isn't it amazing how evocative handwriting is? I saw my mom's handwriting ten years after she died, and just burst into tears!
Seems like your task of sorting out her things is helping you sort out your feelings too.

Date Posted:15:57:28 09/25/08 Thu
I stumbled upon this site while researching a book that I plan to write before I begin college next fall. It would seem wrong to visit and read other posts but not leave something of my own. So, I'm Brianne, I'm 17 and I lost my little sister in 2001 to an accident. I've spent all of these years feeling a multitude of random feelings, but never once did I feel acceptance. I think I've always been stuck in denial/anger, although I haven't really ever denied it too much. I'm more angry than anything because she was really little and we were always acting like twins, so my mom compensated for that by dressing us alike quite often.

My family is pretty religious, but I began resenting that, blaming their god for taking her away from me. And now I just don't believe anymore, but I try so hard not to show it because it would make my mom sad.

My schoolwork has been affected for all of these years. I've spent so much time inside my own head that I forget to look out and see the world. I regret a lot of that.

Also, I've noticed that I'm less willing to talk about her now. Over the past few months (I'd say about ten months-ish), I cringe if I hear her name (which doesn't happen a lot because no one talks about it) and if someone doesn't know the story, I'm less willing to tell it. In fact, I don't. I let my friends tell.

I'm so used to grief now that I don't think letting go of it would be easy.

Date Posted:15:00:17 09/29/08 Mon
Dear Brianne,
I am so sorry about your little sister--I know you must miss her terribly.
It helped me to read Dr white's book--Sibling Grief: Healing after the death of a sister or brother. I found out how hard it had been for me to have no one acknowledge that I was also affected by the death of my younger sister. No one wanted to talk about it so I didn't know that.
I'm glad you visited here--it's a good first step. But don't be afraid to go to the doctor if you need too. You've been sad and inward for a long time.
Sarah

Date Posted:13:58:17 09/09/08 Tue
I am a survivor of a loss of a sibling in 1981, when there was no internet and absolutely no help for siblings. The way I learned to cope about it was to talk about my brother and to talk to my brother. After all these years, I decided that I needed to do something to help others with the same situation. I am writing a book on coping with the loss of a sibling. But a different type of book. I want the stories of others who have gone through the loss of a sibling and how they have learned to cope and stories on how people turned their tragedy into a positive. Some people have started organizations to help others, etc. Please e-mail me or send me your story to my e-mail and I will get in touch with you. Please find it in your heart to help others. I feel that if people read how people have gotten through their tragedies it will help them deal with theirs and be able to move on. God Bless and I wish you the best! Roberta

Date Posted:04:23:30 08/22/08 Fri
Doctoral student is looking for surviving siblings who, between the ages of 18 and 30, experienced the sudden loss of a sibling, for a phenomenological study on the impact of sibling loss in early adulthood on identity. All communications are strictly confidential. For more information, please contact Barbara Nanna, M.A. at (949) 690 3434 or barbara_nanna@yahoo.com

Date Posted:19:54:19 08/23/08 Sat
On June, 19th 2008, my 27 year old older brother, just basicly dropped dead. He was outside of his work and he was on his cell phone and died of a heart attack.5 minutes after he died i had to call my mother and tell her , that her baby was gone. I then had to call my dad and tell him his first born was gone. Right now im dealing with the fact that my parents maybe wish it was me that died and not my brother.And the fact that they dont think anyone loss anyone but them.

Date Posted:06:48:37 09/09/08 Tue
I am so sorry for your loss. Having gone through the experience of loosing my brother ( age 34 and he was 32) you are incredibly raw and ambivalent especially in the first few months. HANG IN THERE

Date Posted:13:51:47 09/09/08 Tue
Good luck to you in your research. I am a survivor of a loss of a sibling and am looking for people who have learned to cope and have done something positive with the trauma that they have lived through and how they have learned to cope. I am writing a book with a compilation of stories to help others see that others have gone through the same thing and have gotten through it and have turned a negative to a positive. Please send your stories or email me at roberta_costantino@yahoo.com.

Date Posted:12:41:46 08/31/08 Sun
I am now 51 and lost my brother 14 years ago. He was 38 when he died and I was 37. We were very, very close and It has been the most difficult thing in my life...more difficult even than my fathers death last year. After 14 years, I continue to miss my brother with all my heart. We were connected in our hearts and I feel like I have lost a big part of me since his death. I still find myself falling into that deep, deep pit of grief and it takes me many days to climb out. With that experience in mind, I wanted to respond to the messages from people who said psychotherapy has not helped them. I have been in and out of therapy over the years because I grew up in a domestic war zone and some of my therapy has helped me to deal with the abuse I experienced in my childhood. It wasn't until I found a psychologist who works with people about grief and trauma that I am beginning to feel some peace from constant nightmares regarding my brothers death and hope for my life now. Please don't give up on psychotherapy just because you haven't found the right therapist. If one doesn't help, find another. It is so worth the cost of 120.00 weekly to finally experience some real peace about his death. The right psychotherapist...can truly make a difference.

Date Posted:09:32:18 04/25/08 Fri
For a book about sibling loss, I'd like to speak to men and women whose brother or sister died in childhood. INterviewees may be kept anonymous or identified. Your decision. Thanks so much for your attention. I can be reached at cgberman@nyc.rr.com.

Date Posted:08:14:56 04/07/08 Mon
I received a phone call yesterday from my oldest brother telling me that my older sister (50) was dying from cervical cancer. I havenít seen or spoken to her since 1999, after she was caught stealing from home during a celebration of the anniversary of my fatherís death. For our entire lives we have been at odds and although I should love her, and perhaps I do, but I donít like or respect her one bit. This is a small forum and I could write a novel. I'm not a victim, however, and I just leave her alone. We live in the same city and we have our own lives.
My dilemma is this: She was admitted to hospital yesterday and is in critical condition. I know if I went to visit her she would know she was dying and quite frankly, there isnít a whole lot of love there between us. Her children probably resent me because Iíve never defended myself to them. Itís their mother/grandmother after all and the problems between us is just that. I refuse to bad-mouth her to them. I donít want to appear heartless and cold but quite frankly I donít want to see her. The funeral will be torture for me because she was my motherís favourite and she always let me know that. The family is completely fragmented and thatís fine with me. I have nothing to do with any of them except my brother. Heís a decent, normal guy.
Can you tell me why I donít feel sad at her impending death? She was treated for pre-cervical cancer 25 years ago and if she took care of herself and didnít drink a bottle of vodka everyday maybe she wouldnít be dying. Iím angry with her for doing this to her kids, more than anything. Does anyone have any advice?

Date Posted:20:12:06 04/07/08 Mon
Dear Windsor,
The only advice I have for you is that it will soon be too late to make a decision. You will have the rest of your life to regret it if you decide not to see her. Remember the words of the dead firefighter in the movie Always, "The only pain we carry with us is the love we refuse to give."

Date Posted:13:33:51 03/12/08 Wed
On Feb 26th 2008. I lost one of my 5 brothers. My mother found him Hanging in the garage, he had committed suicide and its very hard to take this all in, especially, for my 2 sisters 10 and 13, also brothers of 2, 15, 19, 23. We lost our father 10yrs ago november this year, If anyone knows some helpful books for my sisters and brothers, just to help cope with everything this will be one year that will be hard on us.. Its just hard to believe a young man of 17 in 12 day he would have been 18, doing well in everything would do this after a month before a good friend of his also did the same thing.. just could use some help in confort for my mother, stepfather and siblings.

Date Posted:20:02:48 03/10/08 Mon
It is rare that I read a book and rush to write about it here, but today I read a book that touched my heart so completely, I couldn't wait to share it with site visitors. The book is The Loving Tree by Patricia Moran Kennedy. It's about the transformation the author experienced after the death of her sister. Using the symbols of trees and flowers, she shows us what we already knew deep inside. It is a small book, simple and yet profound, but most of all, it will go straight to your heart. Thank you, Patricia, for this wonderful gift.

Date Posted:16:33:02 02/27/08 Wed
I lost my sister Dee to cancer (rhabdomyosarcoma) in 1983. I was seven she was eleven. I am still grieving her death deeply twenty-five years later. I just read "Sibling Grief" and I am profoundly moved by the empowering information! I really thought that I was alone in my grief and now I feel that my feelings have been validated. Thank You.

Date Posted:06:44:03 02/28/08 Thu
Dear Jody,
Thank you for writing -- I am so glad you found my book helpful. I too appreciate your writing here because it lets me know that I am not the only one who has heard of this terrible form of cancer. I hope you will visit often.

Date Posted:12:34:32 03/01/08 Sat
Pleasant,
Thank you for your response. I was quite shocked when I read the introduction portion of your book and realized that your sister too, had rhabdo. It truly is a horrible childhood disease, but treatment has improved over the years. My sister lived for five years (after diagnosis) and I believe that many more children are surviving longer.
I truly found so many pieces of your book applicable to my own experience and appreciate it greatly. I must say I had a true "light bulb" moment when reading about anniversary reactions and experiences. The timing of my own what I considered "seasonal" mild depression has always corresponded with the death of my beloved sister. I have always missed this! Even throughout my own training ( I have a masters degree in counseling)! I have ordered copies of your book for both my remaining siblings and hope that it can assist them in their process as well.
WIth Thanks,
Jody

Date Posted:18:21:22 02/08/08 Fri
My name is Joy. I am 25 years old and just lost my one and only sibling. My big brother, Jeremy, passed away in his sleep Dec. 20th 2007. I am still so in shock over it. It doesn't seem right. He was only 27 years old. His was amazing. He was my best friend most of my life. We come from a military family, so with all our moving, we had to start over as each others only friend so many times. I looked up to my big brother so much. He always wanted to protect me. He was an amazing artist and musician and his first born is due in a month. He will have a son named Kemper Djembe. I talked to him the night before he passed away. He told me his son's middle name. They had not told anyone yet, and I was told to keep it a secret until they told. I am so lost without my brother.

Date Posted:05:09:59 02/14/08 Thu
Hello Joy,
I am so sorry about your brother Jeremy. I know what you mean about being so much closer because of being in the military--that's how we were too. It sounds so hard to understand that he died in his sleep--I hope you have found out why. Any time you want to write more, I am here.
Peg

Date Posted:11:04:36 12/11/07 Tue
I can't believe I found this place. My 12 year old sister drowned in 1970. My 18 month old sister died of viral dehydration in 1962. I have one sister and three brothers will living and we love each other very much; we are very close.

Just this morning I read about what can happen to a teenager who loses a sibling (I was 17 at the time). 37 years of wondering why I can't remember events from the immediately following years!!

It was agony played out just about until I finally DID make a commitment to a relationship, got married and had kids. I was nearly 40, it took me that long.

I'm so fortunate to have living siblings. I often wonder what my life would be like had my sisters not died. But I have my beautiful daughters who would not have been born had my siblings not died. That's how I choose to look at it.

Date Posted:20:14:13 12/14/07 Fri
Dear Nina,
Thank you for visiting. You and your sister were at similar ages to me and my sister--she died of cancer at age 13 when I was 15. I'm so glad you made the decision to love again after two such traumatic losses. I do believe that to the degree we have suffered pain, we have the capacity to experience joy.

Date Posted:07:40:52 05/27/07 Sun
April 2, 2006 my biological sister died in a car accident. she was 18 and I was 20. We are very close and sometimes we thought we were twins...now that shes gone ( im 21 now and she'd be 19) i feel lost. I feel like i dont know who I am and I have no idea where im going in life. i also feel like there is no one within my community who has gone through the same thing...maybe they have but i still feel like the sister-sister bond thing is very rare...especially with siblings as close in age as me and my sister. i am seeing a therapist which happens to be my sisters old therapist...but I still feel like a part of myself has been ripped out of my soul. Can anyone relate?

Date Posted:18:32:03 05/30/07 Wed
You are not alone. I have lost both my older sisters to cancer. Bonnie died at 34 seven years ago and she was two years older than I was. She was my best friend. The pain seems to lessen but you will always grieve.

You need to use what your sister's life and death has taught you (life is short, be happy with what you have done so far and choose your future wisely, death happens and it sucks) and grow from it. it is the hardest thing to do but make something good come of what really is crappy.

I found a grief therapist about two years after bonnie died- the best thing ever. She too had lost a sibling to cancer. My oldest sister had just been diagnosed with cancer as well at this time.

Going to your sisters old therapist is helping you keep a connection- but maybe one that deals with grief might be better for you.

Date Posted:21:55:11 11/14/07 Wed
THERE ARE NO WORDS ADEQUATE TO DESCRIBE THE GRIEF, LOSS, AND PAIN. I LOST MY ONLY SIBLING (MY ONLY BLOOD RELATIVE) LAST YEAR IN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. MY BELOVED BROTHER FELL ONTO A ROWING MACHINE (exercise equipment)IN HIS HOME AND DIED. I DIED THAT DAY ALSO. I TOO FEEL WE WERE MORE LIKE TWINS AS WE WERE TWO YEARS APART. HE WAS A ANGEL ON EARTH. I MISS HIM MORE EACH DAY AND WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE. I DO KNOW THAT HE LOVED ME SO MUCH AND WOULD NOT WANT ME TO GRIEVE EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE....BUT, MY HEART IS BROKEN. PLEASE TRY TO KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES MEMORY ALIVE BY BEING KIND TO EACH AND EVERYONE YOU MEET. SPEAK OF YOUR LOVED ONE OFTEN......AND KNOW THAT ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN ..... THEY ARE WAITING FOR US.

Date Posted:13:04:25 12/12/07 Wed
Hello,
It has been over a year since posting due to personal illness. But thanks to a dear friend who stays in touch, I found about your post. My brother, Carroll died almost 9 years ago a week before Christmas, while running on a treadmill at a Gold's Gym. They determined through autopsy that his heart burst and he died before hitting the ground. He was the 2nd sibling I lost, the first my sister Norma died of spinal meningitis a month before her 13th birthday.
I have one sibling left who is 8 years younger. But he inexplicably stopped communicating with me during my recent illness, which fortunately I am still battling. Oh such trauma to deal with, but I am in a good place thanks to my partner, parents, and good friends. But don't get me wrong, after my brother died, the pain and grief almost killed me. It also opened up unresolved grief from my sister's death.
My story like many others on this message board is similar in that I experienced great pain over the loss, anniversary grief, anger at others whose life remained the same, sadness at the passing of events not shared with my siblings , guilt for being alive when they where gone, unsettling changes in family dynamics that continue to this day, and trouble with long term relationships ( thankfully this one is in the past as my partner and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this year).
What finally helped me was this board and my relationship with others that also lost siblings. Talking or writing about each phase with another individual who has also been there really helps. Just knowing that people like Pleasant dedicate much of her professional and personal time researching, compiling data, writing books, managing web pages, message boards, and counseling. Her fostering of healing among siblings, like all of us who have experienced grief with little or no support, is truly a gift. Reaching out to others on this board; listening, and sharing helped me to face my grief head on and also gave me the tools to manage reoccurrence. There is no magic bullet, but please reach out and start somewhere when you are ready.
There is a wealth of wonderful people that frequent this board from all walks of life. Most of us here have several commonalities; the loss of a sibling, the desire to communicate or learn about how to deal with their loss, the desire to share memories about their siblings. That is just a start, there are also wonderful individuals here that want to help others. Anyway if you are just reading these boards or actively participating, please know that you are in a safe place where people try to help each other.
Please reach out to someone that strikes a chord with you when you are ready to talk, either on this board or in person at home.

I'm not sure how often this board is read, but I'll post anyway. My sister and I are 14 months apart, she is 37 and just lost her 20 year old son on August 25th in a car accident. I live across the country from her, I did make it to the funeral, and spent some time with her, but I don't know what else to do. I have so many regrets about Tylor, my sister and I had a blow out years ago (I don't even remember why), it was after our father had passed away at the age of 52, I think it was probably all me. I get pissed off at people and cut them off for years. Before that, even though we are as different as night and day, we were very close, and I was SOOOO close to Tylor. Then I blew it for five years. We've been back as sisters for about 5 years now, but I don't feel like I ever made up for the time I lost with Tylor (nor his 15 year old brother Justin). I know he knows I loved him, but the guilt is overwhelming. I can't seem to stop crying, I have two kids myself that are 4 and almost 3. My 4 year old has autism and is non verbal. My husand is in the navy and gone much of the time. I feel very alone, and I have no idea (other than God, of course) who to reach out to. I'm so afraid I'm going to say something stupid and deepen their pain. I want those 5 years that I screwed up BACK! I also had another sister die almost 3 years ago at the age of 42 while I was pregnant with my youngest. Then when my youngest was born, she was very sick and did not come home for good unitl she was 3 months old (she's fine now, just sassy). Then my oldest one had so many health issues for a while, that my EX-BFF accused me of hurting them!!!!! I waited 11 years and had five miscarriages, and *I* would hurt them? For God's sake, I don't even spank them (EVER). That's a whole other ball of wax, but I'm just wondering, is everyone's burden this heavy? OMG, I miss Tylor, I cannot imagine my sister, her husband or son's pain. Does anyone have any ideas? I am heartbroken!

Date Posted:05:42:44 09/09/07 Sun
I am so sorry about your nephews death and your remorse about your sister. It really hurts to be so alone. Why don't you go and try to make things up with your sister? There was a time when I was so alone I finally starting reaching out to people and it changed my life. You don't have to be alone with all of this.

Date Posted:10:22:55 09/09/07 Sun
Oh, we made up years ago, and everything has been fine, I was mostly regretting what happened over ten years ago. I HAD stopped talking to her, and THAT was my regret. They've come across the country twice to visit us just in the last year. I just wish I wouldn't have been so sensitive and stupid 10 years ago.
Thank you though, it's nice to know there are people who care.

Date Posted:02:07:32 09/09/07 Sun
My only sibling past awayon sept 02 2007.
I honestly believe I had the best brother in the world. Lee was 40 yrs old and too young to die. I seen him almost everyday and i would have done anything for him, as he would 4 me. I cant function now, my world is all screwed up. I'm so sad.
I had a terrible dream the night he past. it was very disturbing. i keep racking my brain trying to make sense of it...
in my dream we are so angry and full of hate, on the verge of having a physical fight. It felt like, he was defending someone/something that i was trying to get to. Whatever it was i wanted to do, he wasnt letting me. He was getting very mean & pushy, it gets me more riled up and ive had enough now so i say that im going to freak out if he doesnt get out of my way.
I look up, and about 1 nch away he's standing in front of me he's like 8 ft tall ( & no joke, there's even a rumble type of noise)and a feeling goes through me telling me he had incredible power.. i wanted to ask my mom something but he wouldnt let me get by.
i was furious that he was blocking yhe doorway and i remember i put my hand up and said dont f-ing touch me or i'll drop ya! and pushed my way through but i didnt get to the door. i woke up. this is making me sick, i cant get it out of my head.

Date Posted:05:46:46 09/09/07 Sun
I am sorry about the death of your brother. You have come to the right place. Your grief is so fresh right now that even in dreams you are struggling with his loss, which feels monstrous. The good news is that after a couple of months, you will be able to function again and you will want to go on living. Right now you have to get through each day as best you can. Be good to yourself and come back here to write to us if you like. We've all lost a sibling and are willing to listen.

Date Posted:20:32:13 03/06/07 Tue
My sister passed away in 8/2006. She was 33. She overdosed on methadone and cocaine.. I thought life would not continue...now that it is I am feeling guilty all the time and just not coping well. Breaking down when a song she used to sing at the top of her lungs comes on or when I see a car that is similiar to hers... I still have so many questions about her death (if it was intentional) I feel guilty at times for even smiling or having a half way decent day. I am just not sure anymore how to not fall apart. She left behind two teenage boys that are very angry at her...and although I understand I feel very defensive of her. Any feedback would be helpful. suggestions

Date Posted:11:21:50 08/07/07 Tue
my only brother died April 14, 2007 of a methadone and loratab combo,he did not mean to,it was an accident.His wife and three chlidren woke up in the bed with him dead, they were supposed to be going to the zoo that day.his children are 2,6,&8. Now after only 3 months his wife says she is moving on and after knowing a new man for only 3 weeks has him spending the night in my brother's house with his children there.We have not even scattered his ashes yet,she now says that she will not be apart of that because it would be too uncomfortable.How do I now fly across the country with my brother's ashes and explain this to our family and friends.I keep trying to reason with her,it's not working.I can not understand her moving on so soon when I hurt so bad I don't see how I am still breathing.

Date Posted:20:36:08 09/04/07 Tue
My brother passed away 2 weeks ago (Aug. 20th) He dies from liver failure, we found out that he had hepatitis while he was in the hospital. He was a drinker and was on methadone, which I do not belive is a very good mixture!! I tried to get him help so many times, but once he got on the methadone, no treatment centers would take him for the drinking??? Go figure!! Anyways, I feel like I babbling on and on!! I have so many regrets, I wish I would have done more and I wish I had done this or that, I just don't know!! He called me on Sat the 18th, early that morning and said he was sick and felt like he was dying, I rushed him to ther ER and within 48 hours he was dead!! I do not think I have ever felt so much pain in my life. I want to just breathe again!! To feel normal and I can't!! I WANT MY BROTHER BACK!! I have read over so many of the postings here and they scare me, some of ya'll have been in the same pain for years and years!! All I guess I can do is continue to pray for Gods grace and comfort!! I am sorry this is so long!! Thank all of you for listening!! I just needed to vent a bit!! I am tired of being strong for everyone around me!! God Bless all of you!!

Date Posted:04:34:38 09/05/07 Wed
When you read the posts here, it seems like the pain goes on forever, but it is not constant. many of us suffer from recurring pain that comes back on thier birthdays or the day they died, but other times we are ok. just try to get through one day at a time and be really good to yourself.

Date Posted:05:51:07 09/05/07 Wed
Thank you all for listening to me!! You are right I guess time will take care of all of this, at least that is what I keep hearing, but when he has been my brother for 39 years and such a huge part of my life, we talked everyday, how does time take care of anything!! I wake up every morning feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest, like I need to puke my guts out!! I see the ER scene over and over and then the day he died over and over, I want it to go away!! Yes, there are moments I think of him and smile, then I get sad and wish he were here!! I get mad at him for leaving me!! I stay on the internet looking for ways to cure him... how dumb is that, I can't cure him...HE IS DEAD!! Gosh I feel like I am losing my mind and I can't do that I have kids and grand-kids that need me!! I am 41, I have a life to live and all I want to do is sleep!! Once again, I am sorry!~! I just need to vent to someone who understands and I feel like some of you do!! I can't do this to my Mom or Dad, they are dealing with their grief and when I talk to them I have to be the strong one, assuring them, they will be ok...time will heal and he is in a better place, all the BS I get sick of hearing!! Am I going crazy???

Date Posted:04:31:05 09/05/07 Wed
Dear L
When my sister died, I used to feel guilty any time that I would laugh--suddenly a memory of her in her casket would pop into my mind, changing my feelings in a heartbeat. That did change over time, however, and now I feel like she is laughing with me.
Peg

Date Posted:07:33:52 08/02/07 Thu
I scan the message board hoping to see someone like me who was involved in the cause of their siblings death. I loved him so much and 18 yrs later just to type this the pain is still like a knife shot down my chest. I was 17, he was 13 - he was the light of our family, all love, all fun, all great kid full of life - , I missed a stop sign for no reason. Today on the outside I look ok, and many yrs of therapy and now EMDR have helped. But what I have always wanted was to talk to someone like me, who had an accident and has trouble being alive when they think about it. Thank you anyone for responding.

Date Posted:20:31:27 08/05/07 Sun
Dear Maria,
There are many young people who were accidentally the one who "killed" a sibling, most often in car accidents but also in shooting or boating accidents. The two national support organizations, Bereaved Parents of the USA and Compassionate Friends both have annual gatherings and there is usually a small group of people who share your pain. I highly recommend that you attend one of these meetings. You are not alone.
Peg

Date Posted:17:29:10 01/11/06 Wed
I am writing on behalf of my wonderful boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years and those have been the most traumatic for him.
In Sept 2003 he found out his father had lung cancer. He was devastated but could not really talk about the affect it had on him as he wanted to be strong for both his parents as they went through treatment. At this time my boyfriend lived in Minneapolis, MN and me in Austin, TX. Although we talked on the phone, I know he needed comfort and I was not there for him. Sept 2004, he father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. His grieving was cut short as he was in the middle of plans to move to TX.
On to Nov 2005, a week before Thanksgiving my boyfriend receives a phone call that his only brother has died in a freak accident.
During this same time frame add other events like buying a house, moving to a new job twice (he has had 2 different jobs in TX already) and managing a gambling addiction. I am not sure how many more life changing events he can take.
Right now I am so worried about his state of mind. He is in a state of depression and has started to gamble again. He has not grieved the losses of his family, but I can tell he is hurt and alone.
I am trying to find him a grief counselor, but was else can I do? Any advice? Ė I donít know what to say to him as I have never lost anyone that close to me.
BTW Ė did I mention this is not his real father and brother? Step brother and father since he was 2, so the feelings/connections are the same. He doesnít talk about his real father either. I donít know about anything there.
My assumption is that the gambling is a symptom of feelings of abandonment from his real father and then grief from his losses in the last year. I also think all these feelings he suppresses are adding to his depression. I wish I could help him more Ė please help! I am lost.

Date Posted:00:53:15 05/01/07 Tue
My sister and I are only 18 mts. apart in age and I was told 2 days ago that she has incurable liver cancer. Our lives together keeps flashing in front of my eyes - laughing, crying, the two of us fighting everyone else, the two of us losing to everyone else, our angers, our triumphs...our future plans. She was the one who cried when we got shots, she was the one who cried at scary movies, she was the one who cried when the goldfish died even though I had been the only one that took care of it, and now, the thought of her fear is breaking my heart. She is a good person and has been a fine companion. Please pray for her and me. I really want to take this horrible experience and make a positive experience out of it so I can always say she was the best big sister that ever was and even death couldn't change that.

Date Posted:15:58:50 05/03/07 Thu
Dear Peg, in shock,
Sometimes the siblings are the only ones who are close enough and strong enough to stick out the dying process. She will need someone to be with her, to be willing to talk about it, and not run away from the pain.
Your post touched my heart because you described what it was like for me when my 13 year old sister died from cancer when I was 15. There is a part of you going through that experience too. But please keep in mind that a part of her will always live on with you.