Understanding Your Child

Good parents, help their children develop a roadmap to their own unique personalities. To do that, you've got to really know your child.

Jacob was the only Patriarch whose children -- all of them -- carried on his spiritual legacy. He had problems with some of his children, but these were isolated incidents. How did he do it?

The Torah gives us a glimpse of Jacob's parenting techniques in Genesis, chapter 47. On his deathbed, Jacob gathers his children around him to give them blessings. This is the Torah's equivalent of the "talk." The way he relates to them provides excellent insight into why he was a successful father.

SHOW THAT YOU KNOW THEM

The first thing Jacob does is to speak to each of his children individually; he tells each something distinctive about him.

This establishes a special connection. If you want someone to respect and listen to you, you have to first show her that you understand her. By singling out each child and noting something special, Jacob shows that he knows and understands him and that he cares about him.

Jacob didn't lay in his deathbed and wing it. It's best for parents to put forth time and effort to get to know and understand their children, to observe their habits and tendencies.

It's worthwhile. The payoff is the intimate knowledge of who your child is, which lays the foundation for the guidance you offer them.

Jacob didn't lay in his deathbed and wing it. He put the time in.

TREAT ACCORDING TO NATURE

Jacob may have learned this lesson from his own childhood. The Torah describes the young Jacob as a "simple man, dwelling in his tents," whereas his brother Esau is called a "cunning hunter, a man of the field." (Genesis 25:27.)

Their innate natures were vastly different -- and yet they were given the same education and treated the same.

Therein lies the problem, argues the famous Torah scholar Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch. He avers that the very reason Esau went so far afield is that the two boys were treated the same.

Jacob and Esau were as different as night and day. Their education and the way their parents related to them also needed to be different.

Parenting isn't a one-size-fits-all endeavor. If you try to do that, something is likely to go wrong. In this case, either Jacob is going to turn sour or Esau will.

Jacob understood this and avoided doing it with his own children.

Successful parents tailor their actions and expectations to each child, in keeping with Proverb's famous instruction to "train the youth according to his way so that even when he gets old, he won't turn away from it."

CRITICIZE TRAITS, NOT ACTIONS

Jacob singles out three of his sons for criticism, but he offers reproach in a very specific way. He doesn't criticize specific actions, but rather singles out the personality traits that led the kid to act inappropriately.

If a trait that causes bad choices is left alone, bad choices will happen again.

He doesn't rebuke what they did, but rather focuses on the character trait that got them to do it.

Bad actions themselves may or may not be so bad. Jacob is concerned primarily with why they happen. If a trait that causes bad choices is left alone, rest assured that improper choices will happen again.

In two of the cases, he is rebuking his sons Shimon and Levi for sacking an entire city in retribution for an attack on their sister.

Ultimately, Jacob doesn't disapprove of their actions – perhaps he actually thought that they did the right thing. He is concerned, however, that they acted out of anger. Even though they ultimately may have done the right thing, he still takes the time to make them realize that the right action came from the wrong place.

When faced with bad behavior, parents have to unravel the real problem by exposing the character flaw that caused it to happen in the first place. Jacob can do that because he really knows his kids.

Two guys were once caught passing counterfeit money. A wise judge sentenced one to five years in the clink, while she gave the other twenty years.

Why? The wise judge saw that the second guy had the printing press!

The printing press is the character flaw. Spending the money is the bad behavior. You can punish the kid for spending the money, but it's just going to happen again unless you get rid of the printing press.

FOCUS PRAISE ON ACTIONS

Good character traits need to be translated into action in positive ways. Tendencies to kindliness or generosity are rich resources, but they must be harnessed to be anything more than theoretical good.

Be careful, however, not to link the child's intrinsic good to what he does, for then the child may feel pressured to constantly reaffirm his goodness by having to act good. Such kids can eventually wear themselves down.

The Jewish view runs contrary to some modern psychological theories. Jacob acts on the assumption that some of the traits his children have are inborn. They're not going to be eliminated, but they can be channeled properly.

We all have tendencies, whether they've developed over time or whether we were born with them. We are not responsible for our tendencies, but we are responsible for what we do with them.

TEACH YOUR KIDS TO DRIVE THEIR CHARACTER

Personality traits have two sides: a positive channel and a negative channel. For instance, not letting things get you angry is a wonderful quality, but an evil person isn't bothered by evil.

It's the same tendency, but harnessed in different ways.

A good parent helps his or her children understand their primary character traits and tendencies along with the strengths and challenges each presents. That self-understanding is enough to last a lifetime.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

Love comes from "giving to someone." When you do altruistic acts of kindness, you are giving the other person part of yourself. You will therefore feel love for the recipient of your acts of kindness - because you will find yourself included in the other person and you will identify with him. Just as you love yourself, so too will you love the other person.

The ultimate level to strive for is that even if someone wrongs you, you will view it the same as if someone's right hand accidentally cut their own left hand. Of course while you will try to prevent this from happening, you will not take revenge on your own hand!!

The degree of love as you have for yourself is the degree of love we should have for others.

Today, think of a specific person who would gain greatly from your being more giving. (If you can't think of anyone, that person might be you...)

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...