How to Be a Man? Liz Plank Will Write the Book on It

We know now that abusive men are not bumblers and that even "good allies" can fail the women in their lives. But what to do with them? Journalist and Vox Media and Comcast's Divided States of Women series host Liz Plank has an idea—several, actually—which she plans to address in her first book, How to Be a Man.

Due out from St. Martin's Press in 2019—hold on just a bit longer, men! Don't abuse anyone while you wait!—the book will examine the state of the modern man, offering both deeply sourced research into the state of manhood in this moment and a kind of handbook for how to be a fully evolved man in the twenty-first century. Like Justin Trudeau! Whom Plank has interviewed, of course.

Plank, who premiered Divided States of Women last month and who is a contributor of nuanced perspective and epic eye-rolls on MSNBC and CNN, recently devoted a full episode of her new show to sexual violence, which tends to be discussed as a "women's issue," even though most of its perpetrators are men. Plank hopes her book will shift the burden of these kinds of cultural problems toward men.

Because while she's never believed that women should have to teach men to behave like humans, she has recommendations, and men need advice. So! While desperate men look forward her book, we asked Plank to give men three tips on what they can do this instant to be just a smidge better. Below, her counsel. Men, heed it.

Recognize that you too, have a gender.

The last few weeks have shown that women have an undeniable disadvantage because of systematic constraints that are uniquely gendered. Now is also a good time to acknowledge that men have grown up in a society that encourages a certain set of expectations about their gender too. Acknowledging that men are affected by gendered norms doesn’t take men off the hook for their behavior, but it does mean they can develop the tools to challenge it, and come to a greater understanding of what forces motivate their attitudes and behavior.

Men grow up being told that they must dominate women and other men, that any display of emotion except anger is a symbol of weakness—those old age stereotypes are rarely questioned. Whether men are aware of it or not, they have been impacted by this messaging. It’s been thrown at them from every angle in the shows they've watched, the movies they’ve seen; it’s embedded in the education system and often encoded in how they’ve been raised by their parents and their peers. Some men may already be aware of it and have resisted these messages, but acknowledging it is the first step to changing a culture amongst men that has largely remained invisible until now. You can’t change something you don’t see. Notice your life. Ask questions about it. Be fearless in your interrogation about what it means to be a man.

Don’t apologize for being a man, just take responsibility for it.

We are in a time of dire need for good and righteous men to challenge the messages both genders have been brought up to believe about them. Instead of shrinking at the barrage of news stories about terrible men doing terrible things, stand as a positive counterexample of what positive masculinity can look like. Use your own behavior as protest. Be kind to women. Be generous with others. Open yourself up to scrutiny about the past. Take criticism seriously and also personally. Proudly model that journey into self-inquiry and help that growth spread to other men too.

Don’t just be an ally to women, be a leader amongst men.

Many men have defaulted to speaking about issues of sexual assault and sexual harassment with the women around them. That’s positive and galvanizing, but the burden shouldn’t be on women to repeat and relive our traumatic experiences over and over again with every man in our life. It’s incredibly taxing.

Speaking with women about their experience of sexual assault is not where the work ends, it’s where it begins.

The #MeToo conversation and the vast majority of research on the topic have made it clear: Harassment and abuse is sort of like having a bad hair day—very few women have so far been able to escape it. Your default when interacting with a woman should be to assume that she has experienced a form of abuse, be it sexual harassment, groping, stalking, or assault. You shouldn’t be surprised when you meet a woman who has—you should be shocked when you meet a woman who hasn’t.

Speaking with women about their experience of sexual assault is not where the work ends, it’s where it begins. Listening and believing women is paramount, but to truly affect social change, men need to start challenging other men to have those conversations amongst themselves. When I sat down with Jackson Katz recently, he explained that although men fear criticizing male behavior for fear of coming off weak, being the lone voice that challenges others doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong.

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