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Actors aren't quite human, but then again, who is?
Advertising must be trite--it's the law of the jingle
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism
American Non-Sequitur Society--We don't make sense, but we do like pizza
Anarcho-Capitalist for sale or rent
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?"
...And I thought phrenology with a ball-peen hammer was a dying art!
Angel: A gargoyle with cosmetic surgery
Another case of too many scientists, not enough hunchbacks
The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind [picture of ants blowing in wind]
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate
As long as we're going insane, we might as well go the whole way. A mere shred of sanity is of no value.
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
Ask me about my extra chromosome
Ask me about my vow of silence
Bad taste is timeless
Be careful when you're playing under an anvil tree
Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo
Be yourself--it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it
Because humans am stupid, that why
Beware! The teddy bears of today still carry the vestigial claws of their ancestors
Bill the Cat fan club
Bisexual Separatist [picture of interlaced female symbol, smiley face, and male symbol]
Borger King We do it our way Your way is irrelevant
"Bother", said Pooh. "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedos and lock phasers with the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three."
Boxing is like a ballet, except that there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word
Bushydo--The way of the shrub BONSAI!
But, Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
Captain! Somebody formatted the Warp Drive!
Carpe Diem--Fish of the day
Chopped cabbage--it's not just a good idea...it's THE SLAW
A closed mouth gathers no feet
Cogito Ergo Spud--I think, therefore I yam
The cops can't get me--they're all prisoners of the donut shops
Cry CHEEBLE! and unloose the hamsters of war
Cthulhu Cthucks
Cthulhu cthucks, but does he cthwallow?
Curb your god
Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.
Destructive Testing Systems You make it We break it Guaranteed!
The differential of hi over ho is ho di hi minus hi d ho over ho ho
Disklexia: putting floppies in upside down
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and hard to light
Do not taunt happy fun Vorlon
Does 'anal retentive' have a hyphen?
Doing strange things in the name of art
Don't bother me. I've got my three miracle minimum. When the Pope signs my sainthood papers, I'm outta here!
Don't destroy the world in the first chapter--you'll find you need it later
Don't panic--it's just mercury in retrograde and Murphy rising
Don't play stupid with me--I'm better at it
Don't try this at home, kids. This stunt should only be attempted by trained, professional idiots.
Don't try to out-weird me--I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal
Don't worry--be silly!
Don't you look at me in that tone of voice
The dyslexic Borg: Assimilation is irrelevant. You are futile.
Dyslexics untie! Together we can trip up the world
Eat the Rich! The poor are tough and stringy
Eeny Meeny Chili Beanie, the spirits are about to speak
Entropy is what happens when the universe doesn't pay its electric bill
Erle Stanley Gardnerian--Initiate of the Mysteries
Eternal nothingness is ok if you're dressed for it
Even Napoleon had his Watergate
Every program has at least one bug and one unnecessary instruction--therefore, every program can be reduced to one instruction that doesn't work
Every Spam is sacred
Every tenth Jesus is queer
Everybody talks about reality, but nobody does anything about it
Everything I say can stand on its own two faces
Everything in the universe is packaging, big toys, or meat
Evil Mentalist I think, therefore you aren't
Evolution in action [picture of Christian fish with legs]
Flat Mars Society
For this problem, we'll have to call in our crack team of trained solipsists
Forewarned is half an octopus
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck
From the people who made 'out of context' a household word...
Get thee down. Be thou funky.
Goddesses R Us--how may you serve us?
Gods R Us--how may you serve us?
Gravity isn't MY fault--I voted for velcro!
Gross anatomy--it isn't just for breakfast anymore
Harmless ninja throwing button
Hedonist for Hire--No job too easy
Hit any key to continue, or any other key to quit
Hobbes is real and Calvin is his pet boy
Hollow chocolate has no calories
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way! Unique up on it!
Humpty Dumpty was pushed
I am a Shadow. I stand between the Light....and the wall
I am Boris of Borg. Moose and squirrel are irrelevent.
I am not a minority. I am an outnumbered majority.
I am one of the greatest liars in the English language--I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't know it wasn't true
I cried for the man who had no hair until I met the man who had no head
I do the work of three men--Larry, Moe, and Curly
I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to
I don't care if I'm a lemming, I'm still not going
I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there
I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots
I found Jesus, and he said, "Tag, you're it!"
I have bungee fever and there's only one cure....BOING....
I have multiple personalities, and we vote
I have partaken of the Great Banquet of Life. What I need now is the Great Alka-Seltzer of Life.
I judge people by what is in their hearts--not by the color of their scales
I like the idea of an ancient race--it makes a world feel so...lived in
I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared into me. Neither of us liked what we saw.
I support family values--Addams family values
I try to see good in everything--it makes me horrible to live with
I used to belong to a solipsism club, but I got bored and voted everyone else out
I used to have a Heisenbergmobile, but every time I looked at the speedometer, I got lost
I wanna have Vincent's kittens
I wouldn't hurt a fly, but only because they taste funny
I'd lose my body if my brain weren't surrounded by it
I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing, and now I've got to undo it
The idea that God is His own grandmother may be unsupported by Scripture, but who wants to offend God's grandmother?
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If God dwells within us, I hope He likes enchiladas because that's what He's getting
If God took acid, would He see people?
If it weren't for C, we'd be using BASI, PASAL, and OBOL
If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?
If Murphy's Law were true, whenever you tried to take a breath all the air would be on the other side of the room
If olive oil comes from olives, and peanut oil comes from peanuts, where does baby oil come from?
If pi were three, this sentence would look like this [the o's are hexagons]
If stupidity is outlawed, only outlaws will be stupid
If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
If you are in a car travelling at the speed of light in reverse and turn on the headlights, what happens?
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you may have an exciting future as a guillotine operator
If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing
I'm killing time, wasting space, and going through a phase
I'm not imaginary--I'm ontologically challenged
I'm omnipotent--ask me how
I'm sick and tired of all this sex on the telly! I keep falling off!
I'm the leader. Which way did they go?
In case of fire, do not use elevators. Water works better.
In space, no one can hear you play air guitar
In the beginning there was nothing, and God said "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
In your heart you know it's flat!
Incompetence is better than no competence at all
Infinity is where you transfer from one parallel line to another
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that certain je ne sais quoi
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved
It is better to trip and end up on the floor, than to not trip and end up on the floor for no particular reason
It is easier for a camel to pass through a needle's eye if both are lightly greased
It won't work--I told Orville that, I told Wilbur that, and I'm telling you now!
It's a control freak thing--I won't LET you understand
It's a small world, but I'd hate to have to paint it
I've made such a terrible mess of things...and all I wanted to do was rule the universe
I've suffered for my art--now it's your turn!
Jeez if you love Honkus
Jesus is coming--if He's late, your second savior is free
Join SEA--the Society for the Elimination of Acronyms
The lab called--your brain is ready
Ladies' Sewing Circle & Terrorist Society
Learning French is trivial--the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way
Life is a journey. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Life is too short, but if you do it fast enough, you can live it one and a half times
The little engine that philosophized I think I am! I think I am!
Lizard Invasion Newts at eleven
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver"
The map is not the territory, but you can't fold up the territory and put it in your glove compartment
May those who love us, love us. And those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
Maybe I'll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I'll feel better
Metaphysics 5 cents--the philosopher IS
Militant Idealist--things will get better, or else
A mind is a terrible thing--it must be stopped before it kills again
A mind is a terrible thing to taste
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me
My cat's been cashing my reality checks again
My inner child can beat up your inner child
National Psychic Society You KNOW where the meetings are
Naugahyde is murder
Never wear a hat that has more character than you do
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Sartre is smartre
Nine hundred years ago, I couldn't spell transcendent parahuman deity, and now I are one
Occasional lapses of omniscience are the price I pay for being implementable
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon--after a while you'd run out of air to push against
Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs
1-800-666-HELL The toll-free number of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one Pacts! Call now! Only $6.66/minute! Over 18 only please
One of the main causes of the decline of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight--it's not just a good idea, it's the LAW
Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one
Pave the planet One world One people One slab of asphalt
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the full-auto pen with the 100 ink cartridge clip is mightier than that
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
Pigmentally challenged person of gender
Planets are smarter than astronomers because planets can solve the three-body problem
Pobody's Nerfect!
Pogo ergo possum
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth
Press ENTER to go on to the next button
A priest, a minister, a rabbi, a feminist, an Irishman, a Jew, a gorilla, and an elephant walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
Private Button--do not read
Professional Nuisance for Hire--name a target, name a place, I'm there
Real Daleks don't climb stairs--they level the building
Reality is the opiate of the people
Really? What a coincidence--I'm shallow, too!
Revenge is a dish best served microwaved
The right to arm bears is the right to be free HOKA LIBRE FOREVER!
The rings of Saturn are actually composed of lost airline luggage
Riot Nrrd
Save the universe--collect all four
Save the werewolves--Help protect an endangering species
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
Set laser printer to stun
Set phaser on prozac
Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least to the end of the blackboard
606 The area code of the Beast
666-6667 The Wrong Number of the Beast
668--the Neighbor of the Beast
666.....999 The quotation marks of the Beast
666A The Tenant of the Beast
Spending a year dead for tax purposes
T'ai Chi isn't a martial art--it's a MARTIAN art. Martians move slowly in earth gravity
Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will cherish it always.
That's not irrelevant, that's a hypoteneuse....or maybe it's just a fig newton of your imagination
There are more ways of killing a cat than buttering it with parsnips
There are three types of people--those who can count, and those who can't
There is no heaven or hell--only smoking or non-smoking
These are my opinions. If they were the biblical truth, your bushes would be burning.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath
THINK--If you are already thinking, please disregard this button
This button is cursed. As you read you will be confuset by ther printeb wertz. Yer intellijenc wil vabni...xrt! xrt!
This button is right side up--the person wearing it has flipped [text is upside down]
This is no ordinary fool you're dealing with.
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. You may or may not be issued an actual life later.
Thou shalt eat green eggs and ham--obey thy God, I-am-that-I-am
333 Eric the half a Beast
Two wrongs don't make a right--it usually takes three or more
UFO's are real--the Air Force is swamp gas!
Veni, Vidi, Velcro I came, I saw, I stuck around
Waiter--there's a feature in my soup!
The warranty explicitly states that under NO circumstances shall a rocket be returned to the manufacturer under its own power
A watched clock never boils
We all live in a yellow subroutine
We are all God's children--by a previous marriage
We have met the enemy and they are us and you are me and we are all together --Walt Kelly, Lennon, and the Beatles
We're sorry, the button you have reached is not in service. Please check the button and dial again, or ask the operator for assistance.
We're tired of third-rate incompetents in public office. We want first-rate incompetents.
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
What if it was the Warren Commission who killed JFK?
What is the output of a vacuum pump?
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws
Why give the person who has everything a box to keep it in when it already comes in its own container?
Women, children, Red Indians, spacemen, and a sort of idealized version of Complete Renaissance Men first!
Yes, sir, we've graphed the data. It's a smiley face, sir.
You can do anything thou wilt in Aleister's restaurant
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you've got something
You can't have too many buttons--only too little surface area
You can't teach people to be lazy. Either they have it or they don't.
You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys
You shouldn't go faster than twice the speed of light--it's too hard on the tires
You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
I went to the bathroom and they elected me Antichrist
I'm not touching that with a 10' snide remark
Nine out of ten of the voices in my head say "Don't shoot!"
Do Catholic vegetarians believe in transubstantiation?
Hubris is stealing the fire of the gods. Chutzpah is offering to sell it back.
They laughed at all the great inventors and discoverers. They laughed at Galileo, at Edison's lightbulb, and even at nitrous oxide.
Time is on my side, I get financial backing from humidity, and the temperature owes me a favor
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
Yes, I'm an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
Forty gallon drums full of buttons make great wedding and housewarming presents. They're the gift that says, "Look! Buttons."
Of course there aren't any Yetis. They're ogres in gorilla suits.
When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade--but what should I do with raspberries?
Dances with scissors, plays well with wolves
All your base are belong to us
Will of iron, nerves of steel, heart of gold, balls of brass.... No wonder I set off metal detectors
Ask me about UPDOC
LL YR VWL R BLNG T S
Got clues?
All your database are belong to us
For that is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange eons, even death may die....or come downstairs bump-bump-bump on the back of his head behind Christopher Robin Whately --The Shunned House at Poohthulhu Corner
Go not to the surrealists for counsel, for they will say both blue and hippopotamus
I don't mind the voices. I do mind the busy signal.
Do not taunt happy fun superpower
I haven't sold my soul to Satan, but we have worked out a rent to own deal
Madness takes its toll--EZ pass in left lane
My words are carved in stone, as befits a real viking. Well, stored in silicon--it's almost the same thing, isn't it?
Revenge is sweet, and it's best served cold. It's a cheesecake!
I went on a nostalgia trip. It wasn't as good as it will be.
Panic
Oh, sure....but what's the speed of dark?
I am Dyslexia of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.
My two favorite colors are "Ooooh" and "SHINY!"
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Control freak. Say 'Control freak who?' "
There are only two ways to go. One is neither right nor wrong and the other one isn't.
I've gotta be me--everyone else is already taken
Telepathy--because a bad song shouldn't be stuck in just one head
6 x 9 = 42--All your base 13 are belong to us
Go ahead. Make my breakfaast.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Don't use it for a jumprope
Set phaser on wedgie
LEWD, CRUDE, AND RUDE and I have other traits that don't rhyme
I am not addicted to brake fluid, I can stop any time
Circumflatulation: just farting around
ORDINARY Callifragilisticexpialidocious not good enough for you?
Around here I can write my own ticket, but now I owe myself two hundred bucks
The memes are attacking! Warn your friends!
Give a man an armadillo wearing a clown hat, confuse him for a day. Give him a cobra with fuzzy slippers, confuse him for a lifetime
Fascist meanie poo-poo head
'elev Holqoq 'oghlu'pu'bogh ghojmeH vum neH 'Iv? [Who would bother with a made up language like Elvish, in Klingon]
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door
The First Rule of Fight Club is you don't sing about Fight Club
Which side of the Chunnel do the trains run on? The inside
I'll meet you in the lake of fire with my asbestos duckie
Is there a test for litmus paper?
Strong like ox, smart like cart
Today's Monday, tomorrow's Tuesday, the day after is Wednesday. Week's half over, and we haven't done anything yet.
You're making sense. Stop that.
WTFWJD?
Nothing could make my ego bigger. There isn't enough room!
Universal Solvent Corporation, Container Research Division
I'm not performing any experiments on myself without a larger control group
Tachyon: a gluon that isn't quite dry
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
Fairy Gothmother
I live in my own little world. That's ok, they know me there.
I MAYD U 2 BUTTENS BUT I EATED ONE
I'M N YUR PLEROMA, IMMANENTIZING YUR ESKATON
Tonight, we dine in Hell. Tomorrow, I'm thinking Arby's.
I have OCD, MPD, ADD, and an MP3 player. Wanna see my playlist?
I love my country all the time, but I think we should start seeing other people
Care to join me in a maniacal laugh?
I was president of the Existentialist Society in college. I was voted Most Likely to Be.
Overkill is just the right amount of kill
What do we want? The status quo! When do we want it? Still....
Not a rocket surgeon
Fools! I will destroy you all! Ask me how!
Delaware: the world's largest Rhode Island
A ghost just stoppd by to say "Boo!"
The Lord is my shepherd, but we still lost the sheepdog trials
If life hands you limes, ask for salt and tequila
In pig years, I'd be a football
I bleed glitter, poop rainbows, and fart sunshine
Secular Humorist
All your cheezberger r belong 2 me
Come out, come out, whatever you are
It's a good thing I'm not in charge of the big red button of doom
The big red button of doom
My inner child wants an inner puppy
It's not a small world. It's a big world that's folded over a lot.
You can put lipstick on a platypus, but it's still a platypus
Stop harshin' my squee
I love the world! That's why I'm suing for custody
They can have my all-human paranormal romances when they pry them from my cold, undead fingers
Balrogs have wings, but they're purely ornamental-- just like parsley on a Nazgul
Respect traditional marriage! One robot, one octopus [silhouettes of robot and octopus)
Contrary to science, animals can drive all their weight down through each of their legs simultaneously
My parents went to a planet without bilateral symmetry, and all they got me was this lousy F-shirt
Roses are #FF0000. Violets are #0000FF. All our base are belong to you.
My parents went to a planet without bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this lousy F-shirt
Life is an adventure-- bring a webcam
Without a heart, one grows cold and can only love cold things. Revenge. Power. Gold. Cruelty. Parfait.
God is watching-- it's a good thing He's easily amused
My job is so secret that even I don't know what I'm doing
Yes, I know I'm evil. I practice in the mirror.
We're here because.... [wrapped around in a circle]
12 step program for incessant talking: Onandonandon
One false move and I'll get silly!
Let sleeping zombie tyrannosaurs lie
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, but we aren't at home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
We had to retire the Catgirl Legion after than guy stormed our citadel armed only with a laser pointer.
Embrace your inner demons and tickle them till they pee
I used to have a navel, but I gave it up for lint
The Hebrew alphabet-- aleph bets belong to us
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and has fangs like a duck....
Matter cannot be created or destroyed or returned without proper receipt
In pig years, I'd be a football
You have the right to remain silent, but I wouldn't recommend it.
My name is Flamingo Montoya. I stand on one foot. Prepare to die.
Dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel
My name is Flamingo Montoya. I stand on one leg. Prepare to die.
If we outlaw slippery slope arguments, only outlaws will have box turtles
We're here because [circle wraps around to repeat]
There are two types of people in the world: those who crave closure and
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
Supervillain Liaison
If history repeats itself, I am *so* getting a dinosaur
Always do things in chronological order, it's less confusing that way
Divide by cucumber error, please reinstall universe and reboot
I. like. how. when. you. read. this. the. little. voice. in. your. head. takes. pauses.
Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? Can you afford a horse-sized duck? It comes with a very large bill.
Those who throw objects at the crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them
If you're attacked by a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler

Stickers

Bad cop. Bad BAD cop. NO DONUT.
Be nice to me, or I just might develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!
I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense!
Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean!
Jesus is coming! LOOK BUSY
You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, he's yours!
I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am!
It's a control freak thing. I won't let you understand!
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is bad for you!
Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers
EARTH FIRST! We can stripmine the other planets later!
Give the anarchists an inch, and the next thing you know, they want to be in charge!
Out of mind - Back in 5 minutes
Ask me about my vow of silence
I always said I wanted to Be Somebody. I guess I should have been more specific!
"Bother", said Pooh. "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedos and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three."
Wanna come up and see my bumper sticker collection?
Preserve the old growth lithosphere. BAN SUBDUCTION!

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Silly mortal....

Contact Nancy
Lebovitz to discuss anything you want; she's
friendly. This includes discussing the site, of course.
Or contact Joshua
Kronengold, who did most of the [perl] CGI and HTML
work on the site if you want to discuss similar work [He's not at
all cheap, but is good and fast].