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LAST GASP: V Is For Value-Added

Yours truly has a fair number of bad Valentine’s Days under her belt. The source of said badness never had anything to do with matters romantic. Quite to the contrary: frailties of the flesh were to blame. For this reason I will forever associate a day dedicated to lovers (of all stripes) with vomiting and getting stitches. But I digress.

When I read this*, a tome by my buddy at Bad Advice today I busted a gut. My favorite passages are as follows:

…Then it got bad. The pain from the night before returned, only about a billion times more intense. I lay in bed, holding my belly, and praying it would stop making all those weird noises. It was like there were a dozen drunk elves running around in my intestines. I started to sweat as the rumbles and gurgles grew louder….

…Our bathroom is about three feet from our bed and when I heard Spyro let out what I will describe as “a bathroom noise,” it triggered my gag reflex. At the same time I felt a little gas wanting to sneak out downstairs. I rolled out of bed and discovered that it was actually a value-added fart. (Emphasis mine — Ed. Note) I threw my butt cheeks into lockdown, jammed my palm against my mouth and made a mad dash for the kitchen sink…

I would like to take this moment to thank the proprietress of Bad Advice for one of the most disgusting (and therefore funniest) accounts of a Valentine’s Day gone awry I have ever read. Then again I have grown to expect this kind of gritty, unflinching “in the trenches” view from the battlefield that is love (and occasionally war) from her. She is after all the woman responsible for raising my awareness about Smegmen. And for this I am eternally grateful.