I used to have an AS400 get me out of meetings. I wrote a quick ATDT program with my pager number. I would then have ROBOT schedule to call me 5 minutes in to the meeting and 15 minutes in to the meeting. I gave them 5 minutes because they served refreshments. As soon as the boss's boss started his BS, my pager would go off, I'd look at it and moan. I would go to the phone and call my desk. After a couple of rings, I would tell nobody "If it doesn't come back in ten minutes call me. I am in a very important meeting." Ten minutes later, I was free from the boss's boss's bloviating.

I also had the AS400 call me at 5 am every morning, Monday through Friday and on the first Saturday of every month (end of month processing). Since I submitted it in to ROBOT as SYSADMIN (or SYSOPR), I continued to get a wake up call even after I left the company. Then I changed phone numbers. I often wonder if someone still gets a 5 AM call from a computer.

The morning of I eat microwave burritos and eggs with a bowl of sauerkraut. Since our meetings tend to be later in the day, my gut is nice and bloated by the time things kick off. I crop dust on my way to my chair and continue to let loose a barrage of SBDs while giving someone next to me the stink eye and shifting my seat away from them,giving the illusion that its not me.

The meetings are always cut way short of the scheduled end time....always. My gas could make the UN's list of WMDs....so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Attention all Hudsucker employees. Attention all Hudsucker employees. We regretfully announce that at thirty seconds after the hour of noon, Hudsucker time, Waring Hudsucker, Founder, President, and Chairman of the Board of Hudsucker Industries, merged with the infinite. To mark this occasion of corporate loss, we ask that all employees observe a moment of silent contemplation. [moment of silence] Thank you for your kind attention. This moment has been duly-noted on your time cards and will be deducted from your pay. That is all.

This would be a funny idea if office buildings had windows from which you could jump. But as it is, these glass and steel towers are shut tight and the only air that's let in is through the HVAC systems sucking in the polluted city air from the outside and intermingling it with the sweaty stench of the engineering department. I've even left bars of Irish Spring outside the elevator doors for them, just to give them a push. I came back two days later and they had built a pyramid out of the soap and it must have been 100 soda cans. The smell was no better. They live in squalor and reek to high heaven, and I can't imagine they're very healthy. One guy comes up to the exec floor every now and then sniffling and dragging some sort of pillow doll behind him. I see him at meetings every now and then, guzzling a soft drink and nuzzling that goddamned pillow. We can't fire him because he apparently knows the entire network and he works for very little pay, only taking the free drinks and free chips. I have been thinking of proposing that we do away with these things in an effort to promote a healthier workplace, but I really just want the engineering floors to stop smelling like a zoo.