Monday, May 18, 2009

Falling Behind Expectations?

The last few months have been so crazy for me and at times I have come to see that I cannot help to feel that I have fallen behind in life, that I am a bit slow at networking, at getting myself out there and going from that transition between boy to young man to man.. And a godly man at that.

It is hard some times when I think that I am twenty-six now and have seven years of higher education and am working a labor job at a department store, opening boxes off the truck, and then helping tag and put out shoes and women’s dresses. Part of me sometimes feels like a failure to my calling and other times I feel I am doing my best. I try to be open to different possibilities a lot more than I use to - and I have to be honest that it hurts and pains me to know I will likely be passed up for a youth ministry positions because I am single...

And that then brings up another thing I feel like I am behind at. *sigh* It seems like the last set of singles are coupling up and my few attempts at this in the past seem laughable or maybe it is sad. I try to put myself out there but be reasonable about it. However, if this last year has taught me one thing it is to take things slow, try to decipher how interested any person is in you, and take things slow. The world tells me to take things fast... that a female knows within the first five minutes if she likes you that way - well, I have never known if I am interested in any female in five minutes, sure maybe I think they are attractive but I just cannot judge a person based solely on their outer shell. Compatibility for something like life should have a lot more heart, thought, and time than that.

I have also learned that it is difficult for me not to get too close too fast to those I am interested in, and that in all instances in life I usually tend to question and pull back but in a relationship with the potential of romance, I put myself out there... and I have also learned that either I have had hidden passions I never knew about or it has been growing this last year. I mean, before this year I never really blogged a lot about relationships or wrote romatic-ish poetry online (or ever) (and within the last two years my writing has boiled to the surface as another obvious passion in and of itself). I think it is something that has been under the surface but I never got a chance to let it out and so now I find myself letting it out despite the fact I have found no one and maybe in hoping and praying I will some day, sooner than later; however, life never goes how we plan and I suppose whoever she is, the wait will be well worth it.

Still, I sit here at twenty-six working a job I could have done before college and wonder how I am in this place, this place where my life - being single - is basically hindering me from my calling. By no means should I or anyone else get married just to grow their status and job opportunities but it is a reality that most churches want a minister with a family (and sometimes a wife that plays the piano as well). Honestly, I do not know what God is doing with my life and I pray for the strength and perseverance to continue even though my future seems vague.

I do not know why I am typing this, why I am sharing this. I suppose to some this may make me seem weak because I am admitting these insecurities, these things that do not exude the image of a strong man, a man who can take on the world. To that image I say “screw you”, because we all have our problems, we all have our temptations and trails, and the only strength I gain is from Christ. Any boldness or expansion of me and my talents have come from Christ and his influence in my life. I now understand what Paul means when he says he has no right to boast but in Jesus Christ. I feel the same way. I may not be the most dramatic or engaging personality, especially to those who do not know me well - but if I am a light, if I am some or any witness to this world of Christ and the gospel message than I have done right, then I have done good.

I keep thinking about life as a journey and how the best stories are the ones that are epic, they are the ones whose plot is thick and deep, who have rich characters, the ones who grow over time, faults and victories and all. This is how I see my life, how I want to see my life… as an epic journey of myself and my faith. I have no idea how it will end but am hopeful that afterward people will be affected, that my life will show Christ, and in the end God will say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."