Reports from Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars.

With Bermuda having escaped relatively unscathed from the recent 40 metre tsunami waves, government has acted swiftly to devise a new national emergency plan.

Premier’s Action National Incident Contingency (PANIC) Plan will be put into action in all disaster situations, whether natural or caused by malevolent guest workers.

The PANIC Plan will incorporate the Premier’s Emergency Escape Plan (PEEP) to ensure that Bermuda’s leadership is safely off-island in the event of hurricanes, floods or Canadian accountant uprisings.

“Typically, it is ensured that the leader is off-island in emergency situations, as we saw with last year’s hurricane,” said PANIC Plan overseer Corporal Barmy.

“Unfortunately, the tsunami emergency was unplanned and our leader was unable to escape the island. PANIC will improve our response in this situation.”

The PANIC Plan will ensure that people are suitably informed and aware of what to do in an emergency. It covers emergency services response, communications and evacuation situations.

PANIC prioritises rescue and evacuation to ensure minimal losses. The optimum evacuation point has been determined to be Gibbs Hill, with plans to relocate the Goslings warehouse there immediately to a purpose-built underground bunker.

Gibbs Hill is to be marked with colour coded lines so people will know their place. Top of the hill will be Government Ministers (gold line), then Born Bermudians (blue line), with subsequent sections for Other Bermudians (white line), Spouses of Bermudians (yellow), People Who Look Like Bermudians (purple – see definitions to be posted on scooters and bus stops around the island), tourists (pink line) and then guest workers (red line).

The PANIC Plan can be activated by any Bermudian encountering a national emergency, simply by following the CHAOS steps:

CELLPHONE – call or text everyone you know to ensure that Digihell’s capacity is used to the max.HAIR – ensure your style is ready for all those media interviews.AUNTIE – make sure you inform your aunties, it would be rude not to.OFFICIALS – inform the appropriate emergency services such as police, fire services and VSB.STAMPEDE – get to your assigned position at Gibbs Hill.

“It is never too soon to invoke PANIC or CHAOS,” said Corporal Barmy. “The sooner we start PANIC, the sooner we can get the Premier on the BA flight and avoid unnecessary loss of life and frequent flyer points.”

While he put no limit on the type of situations where PANIC would be appropriate, he singled out hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, avalanches, terrorist sous-chefs and rioting Philippino nannies as especially PANIC-worthy incidents.

Phase 2 of PANIC preparedness will include acquisition of $36 million of Louis Vuitton gas masks for those entitled to survive higher level attacks. It will also incorporate compulsory conscription of expats to work camps to build escape tunnels from the Cabinet Building to the airport and Gibbs Hill.

When PANIC has been launched, warns Corporal Barmy, to avoid road congestion, only government workers will be entitled to use cars. Bermudians will be entitled to use mopeds, SoBs will be entitled to catch a pink bus (coupons only, no cash allowed) and foreigners should travel on foot or just wait to be rescued.

In emergencies, regular updates will be posted by Bermuda’s bloggers.

The full PANIC plan can be found posted at government buildings and will be on the government website when someone can figure out how.

Attacks on government’s plans to create another daily newspaper for Bermuda have been slammed as "sheer jealousy" by government spokesperson and Daily Ewart editor-in-chief Clancy Cofantt.

Recent mentions by government ministers of a desire to create an additional daily newspaper for Bermuda were met with suspicion or even derision by existing media outlets and bloggers.

Fortunately, claims of an expensive propaganda project are unfounded, according to Cofantt, who says The Daily Ewart will be, "an unbiased and neutrally written quality newspaper with something for everyone (who looks like us).

"We were tired of current media failing to ask the important questions, concentrating instead on trivial matters such as mismanagement, overspending and Senator Barmy’s outbursts," she continued. "Not one of them has had the insight and journalistic integrity to focus on the critical issues such as P2’s ability to source the perfect party favours for any occasion, or whether the First Lady’s shoes are Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahnik."

With the Daily Ewart scheduled to launch at an intimate soiree for 300 guests on December 11th (tickets $19,000 from Ticketmaster), Cofantt gave us a sneak preview of what readers can expect from Bermuda’s latest rag:

Hard hitting news without the bias. In the first issue, chief investigative reporter Wayne Dwaines will deliver his expose on work permit cheats who deny locals of jobs that are rightfully theirs by working unpaid overtime.

Home & Interiors columnist Corporal Barmy will give his unique slant on colour co-ordination for the house.

Gossip columnist Dame Lolita will recount witty and slanderous tales from all the best parties, functions and parliament bathrooms.

Agony Emperor P2 will offer advice and solutions to those tough, tricky or downright embarrassing problems. In the first week, learn how to deal with Europeans with odour issues, how to handle embarrassing colleagues past their use-by date and how to avoid unwelcome invitations from men in funny hats.

Motoring: will the Peugeot Desolé give you the ride of your life or will the Scoopy win out in our battle of the dream machines? Plus advice on how to pimp your GP car.

Fashion expert Princess Vidal tells us what will be the hot hairstyles for the holiday season – and models each and every one. We also show you how to show off Bermuda’s hottest trend: fat bottoms and Louis Vuitton handbags.

Health expert Grassfield DeViant shares his knowledge of herbal remedies and offers recipes that will have you feeling better and forgetting your troubles in no time.

Gardening: How to rearrange your herbaceous borders to accommodate the odd hospital or two. Plus tips on renting your 6 x 4 shed to an expat for $1400/month.

* Actually they haven’t set the record straight as far as we know and the above articles were fabricated by Bermuda Sucks (but would be really great ideas – we’re glad to write them for a spare assessment number, a huge funding increase to the WRC and a case of Black Seal).

Thanks to a burst of efficiency at the post office, the 15% deducted for your inconvenience post-it notes have arrived. The ideal Christmas present, these post-its are available for a minimum $5 donation to the Women's Resource Centre.

Stocks are very limited and it is first come first served. Contact Mike for details.

Don't miss out on your chance to appropriately reward Bermuda's service staff for their unparalleled customer service levels.

The Bermuda Sucks Post-it note will give the "Tight Ass Canadians", and those whose pockets are deeper than the length of their arms, a chance to reply to the service cheques which have the gratituities built in.

The notes will be available on-line here, and at the Women's Resource Centre. They are $5 for a pad of 50, and 100% of the dime you spend on each sticky note goes directly to the WRC.

These will make a great gift, or stocking suffer. You also get to feel good about donating to an important charity which provides legal and emotional aid to women suffering from sexual and domestic violence.

Now, the only question is, how long will it take the Postal Service to deliver the package that was shipped from the U.S. on Thursday November 15?

With the island reeling from the suggestion of spending $36 million on a dream World Cup run, the government has moved to dismiss claims that it should better prioritize spending.

Instead, it claims, it has found a way to ensure footballing glory whilst still providing the required government services.

Outsourcing, says Minister of Random Portfolios Horny Randton, is the way to take our nation forward.

“By outsourcing our other, less important ministries such as Housing, Education, Transport and Health, we can achieve significant savings and also neatly avoid having to figure out the new hospital mess,” said Randton.

“We will focus on critical issues such as reaching the World Cup by any means possible, while some sucker in Mumbai will have to take the flak for building a hospital in the Botanical Gardens and a new Premier’s mansion in Victoria Park.”

Denying that the move will cause an upturn in unemployment, Randton pointed out that the government can simply reduce expat numbers.

“We have already started a teaser campaign, leaving flyers on cars and mopeds to pique the interest of the public. This will be followed up with a $97 million advertising campaign that will be paid for by an increase in work permit application costs,” commented Randton.

The Random Portfolios minister refused to give away many details of the World Cup plan, other than to say that he believed he could prove a link between the island and Brazil star Ronaldinho. He declined to comment on suggestions that the midfield marvel looks and sounds like the lovechild of former minister Princess Vidal Sassoon and one of the Windyreach donkeys.

Randton asserted that the outsourcing move will benefit the community.

“When interviewing potential outsourcing companies in Mumbai, we insisted that they are able to offer the level of service that our population expects from its government; in the end, though, we had to settle for a higher competence.”

Randton did point out that the more technology focused portfolio of Telecommunications, e-Commerce and Geek Affairs will continue to be handed by the skilled team on-island.

“We are an e-Commerce powerhouse and we are yet to be convinced that India is capable of providing the broad range of dial-up-pretending-to-be-broadband that we already offer.”

* Completely fabricated. Spending $36 million to get a tiny bit of inhabited rock to the World Cup is way too daft that it could ever happen, isn’t it?

Today I’m going to resist the temptation to use satire (well, I’ll try) to consider the opportunity that lies before Bermuda’s new Premier.

We probably all have ideas or expectations based on previous media coverage or personal experience of the new guy, but lets put those aside for a moment and consider what we would like to see happen.

It doesn’t matter what three letter acronym party Dr. Brown comes from, it is his actions that count. It is these early days that will show us what type of leadership he brings. Here are some topics I’d love to see tackled from the start:

Violence. It looks as though another person was lost to violence this week in Bermuda. There were more machete attacks making news. More victims and more families having to pick up the pieces. Rather than coast along saying that Bermuda is a completely safe place, decisive action is needed to make it so. Part of that action needs to be tackling the dreadful scourge of domestic violence.

Finance and reporting. It has been hard to trust a government that has seemed to have so little transparency on expenditure and so little accountability. Increased openness and increased fiscal responsibility will win a lot of respect – even when it means sometimes you have to give us the bad news too. Help us to trust you.

Housing. We all know there are plenty of easy excuses and people to blame. That doesn’t really get us anywhere though, as we’ve seen over the last few years. Put housing expenditure ahead of most capital projects and the cricket team (even if you like the game, it isn’t much fun to watch when you’re worrying about not having anywhere to sleep). Put someone very good in charge of housing. Work hand-in-hand with the opposition on it perhaps – the need goes way beyond party lines and that other lot might have some useful contributions too.

Education. The problems that exist won’t be resolved by a shiny new school, even if the roof is fixed. In the UK there are a group of head teachers that are well-known for fixing poorly performing schools (I think the media call them ‘superheads’ or something). Recruit a couple of these people at whatever cost and give them every bit of support they need to deal with the politics and in-fighting. Have them involved in succession planning so they can groom the best of Bermudians to take over – the sharing of skills could make a remarkable difference.

The New Hospital. Man, I don’t envy anyone inheriting that headache. There has to be a better way than using the Botanical Gardens. Even if it costs more, it is probably worth it not to lose all that sponsorship. Good luck.

Race. Lead by example. Show that you value people regardless of who they do or don’t look or sound like. Be patient with questioners and give them the benefit of the doubt rather than judge them to be asking plantation questions. Your example of answering patiently will set the right tone and also defuse any who were motivated by less than positive intentions.

Immigration. At the moment, it seems nobody is winning and poorly managed immigration policies serve to inflame feelings on all sides. You can’t please everyone on this but by putting in place clear policies and having them administered efficiently, it should help. Ensure that people using their position to express their dislike of foreigners have no place in your organization. Have a reasonable appeal process. Crackdown on bad employers exploiting foreign and Bermudian workers.

I recognize fixing these issues is easier said than done. However, tough and fair leadership can go a long way towards improving the situation of everyone in Bermuda. Tackling these key difficulties vigorously and effectively will win over the most doubtful of our community. Please Dr. Brown, exceed our expectations and make us proud. Even if it doesn’t make for good Bermuda Sucks copy.

A public meeting on the subject of independence yesterday gave little insight into the island’s direction. Aimed at education and getting accurate feedback from the public, the gathering’s informal poll showed that:

21% of attendees supported independence

35% were against independence

23% were confused expats thinking they were attending a screening of The Sound of Music

39% don’t know if they would support independence

7% couldn’t remember what that nice young man at the seniors’ club paid them to say

The statistician can’t correctly calculate percentages

Speaking in favour of independence, Corporal Barmy said that it would “Allow the island to govern its own destiny and rid itself of people who take our parking spaces.” He also pointed out that the government would be able to suspend citizenship of undesirables such as the opposition, before giving a spooky laugh like the ones used by the baddies in Scooby Doo. It is believed that Hollywood is now courting the Corporal for an upcoming role in another Batman sequel.

Speaking against independence, Gerald Furby, a retired administrator with too much time on his hands, said that it was important that Bermuda retain its links with the UK because otherwise that nice Prince Andrew won’t visit any more. He also pointed out that under the current system he has the right to work as a dancer in the Moulin Rouge and that right would be lost in an independent Bermuda.

Expat Ralph Fleissige announced he had a telegraph for Herr Dettweiler. The recipient could not be found and was rumoured to be in Vienna with the Baroness. On the question of how to solve a problem like Maria, Corporal Barmy suggested she be deported since she clearly had no work permit.

Lashaquettilla from Paget asked what would happen to her passport if Bermuda went independent. The panel were split on this issue, with some favouring changing to a pink to match the houses and others preferring turquoise to match the sea. A compromise was proposed where passport holders can choose between those options or maybe have alternate covers to match their purses or Bermuda shorts. Lashaquettilla said that it wasn’t what she meant but that she favoured turquoise.

To the question of what would be the financial impact of retaining the status quo versus choosing independence, the corporal pointed out that “We will have complete control of your money, I mean our money, in an independent Bermuda. Many people will be better off.”

Opposition spokesperson Quietasa Mouse declared this to be false, pointing out that the earth would fall in and that Bermuda would then have to pay for its own figurehead in ridiculous uniform. Current market prices for figureheads in ridiculous uniform are high due to a surge in demand in North Korea and Luxembourg. Pressed by a persistent questioner, she also admitted that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are indeed numbered among her very favourite things.

Due to a lack of time, the panel could not answer all questions during the meeting. Attendees were asked to write their questions down and the chairperson has promised to publish all answers along with lyrics to Edelweiss on the government website.

*Mostly fabricated but the Baroness really was last seen in Vienna with Herr Dettweiler.

In keeping with its status as the world's leading tourism destination, Bermuda is to launch yet another exciting visitor activity. Backers say that Onion World will be a theme park that incorporates Bermuda culture with world-class rides and shows.

Taking up the remaining bit of the Botanical Gardens not earmarked for construction under the Sustainable Disillusionment Plan, Onion World will excite Bermudians and visitors alike.

No theme park would be complete without white-knuckle rides, and Onion World is no exception.

The Front Street Peugeot-Coaster will have you clinging on as you embark on an awesome thrill-ride experience featuring 600 metres of adrenalin-pumping spins, loops, swerves and dives on a moped-shaped ride.

Not for the faint-hearted, Wild Pembroke Falls is an action-packed adventure featuring half a million gallons of roaring waterfalls. You board the fast ferry in calm conditions before hurtling down a 20 metre, 50 miles an hour, heart-stopping splashdown in a replica of the new Berkeley School gym.

The Triangle of Terror is a high-tech simulation ride that will have you clinging to your seat as you brave an out-of-control pink number 7 bus on South Shore Road. This ride is not suitable for those suffering motion-sickness. Tokens required - these must be purchased at various inconvenient points around the theme park.

The Swizzle Escape is only for the bravest of thrill-seekers. Faced with marauding, machete-wielding crack dealers, your only way out is to board a 90 miles an hour rollercoaster that winds through seven corkscrews and four 360 degree loops, dangling you upside-down before a final descent that has you plummeting fifty yards in just seconds. This ride will leave you feeling well and truly swizzled.

The Haunted Mansion brings spooks galore, as you are pursued though a multi-million dollar residence pursued by Jennifer, the ghost of Premiers past. The lights fail and you will be plunged into darkness before being hurtled through a creepy luxury mansion populated by ghouls and other awful beings. Ride it if you dare!

The W&E Wall Show is a crazy, slapstick 'n' stunts performance featuring those wacky guys and gals from Works & Engineering. How many of them will it take to build a wall? And would you dare to sit on it afterwards? Mayhem galore as they attempt to paint a pedestrian crossing by the school on Berkeley Road. Audience participation makes this an unforgettable experience.

And of course, don't forget to stop to watch our parade of lovable Onion World characters including Cranky Customs Guy, Barmy the Bus Driver, Princess Insanity of Immigrationland and cute old Ian Titlement.

Onion World will open on March 27th, four years late and 73 million dollars over budget.

* Complete and utter fabrication... no chance of getting a theme park any time soon.

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Book Recommendation

Robert A. Heinlein: Stranger in a Strange LandPlease, buy Heinlein's masterpiece - the brilliant and spectacular novel that grew from a cult favourite to a bestseller to a classic in a few short years. It is the story of Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars who taught humankind grokking and water-sharing. And love.