Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Since I'm still under the effects of the three day rule following a rockstar weekend of wedding reception and multiple hundreds of dollars in bar tabs, I will leave it up to you for now to imagine the weekend just past, and the crazy antics enjoyed by all whom attended. Take a bunch of fraternity guys, booze them up, put them on a boat, and celebration seems to follow suit. I remember the entire evening, but can't focus to expound.

Snipet: I did however lose all my compatriots after a stint on the dance floor at DJ's Night Club rippin' it up with a gaggle o strange birds. Did you know that ladies will dance with just about anyone, specially if he's wearing a tie, it's 3:30-4am, and he's a jackass complete with the worm and spinning drunken breakdancing "I'm in pain" type movements. Maybe they were just as hammered as I was? I've since erased all the evidence from my cam/video phone to keep their ananimity and not horrify them by posting here under .....and other things not-so-holy. Cus it was just that..... Plus I was removing articles of clothing....... my donkey may have been showing. And didn't remember a name from the bunch so out they go.

That was, by far, overshadowed by a quaint little ceremony and friendly faces celebrating two terrific peeps and their choice to go it together. Congrats again.

After the effects of stupidity wear off, I'm thinking by Thursday. I have to figure out how to content myself with nothing to do for one weekend. Huge pile of laundry neglected the last two months? That could be a safe bet. Oh the horror and shock you may feel when you all read this. "I'm not really into having a few beers this weekend, I'm gonna drink iced tea................... and wear my pink gingham skirt."

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I have to say that it definitely feels good to put on a selection from the old work duds that were a necessity, prior to becoming a GAzetteer. .......I think a man feels more like a man when he's working out of doors in the springtime if he can have a bottle of suds. That's only my opinion. It would go down smooth............. and he definitely stands up straighter when he wears a suit that makes him look like a god-damned Adonis. Whether it be for work or for a bottle of suds at a wedding reception.....

Here it is...MY Birfday, yippie haaaa weeeee..... who cares.{click the link, now it's stuck in your head, hahahahahha} What's a guy to do for his birthday after work when the job ends at 3 in the morning, you ask? I'll tell ya what the guy does.

A.) Leave workB.) Have a beer at homeC.) Grab the Pole and go fishingD.) Troll the streets of Schenectadirt looking for the one that got awayE.) Hook the big winner F.) Pay the Hooker on a BikeG.) Head home and take a WTF?! did I just do shower with steel wool.

or........

Celebrate with a beer and a good book and read until the sun comes up, same as every night.

I checked my horoscope: Romance has certain potential today, attached lions should find themselves enjoying some tender moments, while singles will be able to enjoy a flirty day. However, interruptions in the form of an overly needy friend or colleague might eat into your spare time! Horoscopes are BULLSHIT and that makes it a #10 day on a scale of 1-10. (10 being the highest or lowest you pick)

I don't have to wear them often but I think tommorrow is a treat yourself to a new tie day for this guy. A Man's gotta be a sexy bitch every now and then, or the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then. Suit dry-cleaned check, pimped the shoes check, cut the hair........ that's pretty iffy, hair stays. A man has to have his Samson on "if he's to flirt with a dunkin donuts coffee wench: following the advice of some stupid horoscope" , new tie....soon enough.

I also realized that I'm in a transitionary period, I don't love my job enough to stay for a prolonged period of time, yet haven't figured out exactly what & where it is I need to be. Many different questions pop into my head and I haven't got the answers. Grad School?, Museum Admin, again?, Hermit? S&R Dog Trainer? SmokeJumper? Should I try the Fed Air Marshall thing again?Currently the money isn't great, but it's sustaining me for the time being and I pay my bills. Plus it's wicked easy and has limited responsibility attached to it, no supervisory crap and a great bunch of co-workers. I'm not in the right mind set to look for a new gig, and I have a fair amount of time left in the lease 10months of lease actually. So I guess I fester on it for a bit. I'm kinda thinking of a move....a change of scenery...I've done the West already, I've done the North, perhaps the South...like S.C. round-a-bout Greenville SC. Yeah...looking for a job in Greenville SC that's the ticket.

NOW.... enough of the chit chat. Preparations to bag the hooker on the bike begin. At least a good cam-phone pic for hilarity sake.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I realized just a few minutes ago why I made the cut when thy laid a dozen people off earlier in the month. When shit hits the fan at work and there are deadlines to be met, rips for pages go down, numerous ads need to be fixed,( relinked, run through a few different programs, reworked, resized) editors are barking for photos, systems crash, machines catch fire, the editing I am charged with needs to be finished post haste i.e comics and weather, I miss dinner, and there are only a fraction of the necessary people at work due to sick days and vacation time..... I don't get stressed and barring the few minor almost derogatory outbursts at impatient people who really don't know what the Pre-Press department has to deal with in realtime as opposed to pushing paper and computer keys during the day, life moves on. (My co-workers C and K ripped it up,as well)

We had a minor set back with a Horse Racing insert this evening that basically put us backlogged 3 1/2hrs from the normal easy pace which usually makes working here boring and fantastic at the same time. Two of my co-workers weren't here, and a third was fashionable late. After I flexed, pointed toward the door and asked "which way to the gun show" was I was able to sit down to an awesome meal of vending machine sandwich dinnery goodness at 11:30pm. I usually head out around 8, but that got put on hold. By the time all was back on track...no food places are open around here. I played number b8 in the vending machine lottery and won big.

Good Idea, invite some folks as the first visitors and "entertaining company" in the new place. Thanks for stopping in Pinto, Jen, Z, Tool,and Denison. [brazed chicken breast, with whitewine and rosemary infused goodness, fresh garlic, red peppers and onion....simmered to falling apart] 74days in the place and one evening of good times. Great idea....packing everybody off to a suprise B-day party and hitting it like rockstars the next day. See Birfday...lower in the cue.

Along with Good times and Great times there come trying times ( and little bits of stress). Apparently having 5 fraternity guys and of course the Miss Jen in my pad was fun, and a little too loud for the downstairs Moldy oldies...they're non-too happy about the entertainment portion of the evening even though we we're respectful as possible with regard to the noise levels. I guess they turned up their hearing aides. Mr. Bigley told me today he was going to mention something to the Landlord about the "raukus" party on Friday, that ended at a respectable 11:30- midnight, when we all decided that it would be beneficial to getting up the next day, to call it an evening.

The rub is.... I've been returning from work at 3am for the 2 months now and walking on pins and needles to trying and not disturb the peeps downstairs( I haven't actually spent an entire weekend at my place for 6 weekends due to traveling). I politely let them know that I would be having guests and that should the occasion arise that it gets too loud for them, they should make the long journey up the 12 steps and knock on my door...at which point the evening disturbance would cease and desist. They never stopped up. One night in 2 months shouldn't be cause for alarm.... heck I didn't even whiz on his door, or toss anyone off the balcony. We weren't jumping around...? how loud can a Pinochle game be? Granted I have stellar hearing and the TV was a bit louder than usual for me.... but not surround sound deafening. Maybe it was the thin doors, I heard Mr. B swearing at his wife just before he approached me just this afternoon.

I hope the Bigleys are calm cool and collected when next we meet, because I love me some jumping up and down and thunderstomping for no reason. I'll even brush my teeth louder if they stop being reasonable people. (I've even considered it from their point of view...which used to be my point of view: when I lived in my first Schnectadirt apt. The upstairs neighbors there were serious thunderstompers, 24/7. It wasn't a one time thing it was constant, I don't have baby crying, and my place is fairly new...the floors don't creak as much, or echo at all. I eventually moved, but had the curtesy to ask them to tone I down a bit...not go directly to the landlord.) Perhaps I'll make a peace offering... or not, who knows when I'll actually have more than a couple people over again.

Good Idea, Great Idea... trying times? F'em, it really shouldn't be an issue I hopes. {welcome to the pseudo-stress of my pathetic existance} little old strangers causing me stress, I can't even come up with something good on my own.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I did some errands this morning around 10am...and fought to keep myself awake. On my retun trip home, I passed a suped up, monster truck tire wearing El Camino, dirt blue and had reb. written all over it. That wasn't so strange...I grew up in Granville NY. As I was looking at said El Camino, I dessimated a small bird with my windshield (no damage to the glass, I'm positive the bird didn't make it...at least with all its feathers). Still not so strange, it's the third bird I've vaporized in as many weeks. When I got home I decided a cup of coffee would do me just fine, the rain had let up so I was sipping coffee on my balcony. By the edge of the hedge row across from my place a lumbering fat bastard of a woodchuck bounded out of the underbrush. Not strange, flora fawna..nature, sipping coffee. Fat woodchuck looked at me, looked around...froze, I didn't move I didn't want to scare him off. He looked toward a tree not to far distant from myself. I looked too. There was another woodchuck slightly smaller just sitting there staring at me. Two woodchucks, staring at me drinking coffee, did they want some? Yes...well at least lumbering slightly larger woodchuck did. Soon after looking to the little one it tore out after it. (I thought gopher/woodchuck fight...this should be good) Turns out big woodchuck wasn't thinking fight. A farly large puff of smoke in the shap of a heart showed the trail he was running. He was thinking "I wants some" and leapt on the smaller presumably female woodchuck and it was on!. Woodchucks humpin'.... now that's not something you see everyday. Nor do you see them playfully rolling around for 20minutes afterward and chasing eachother back and forth in the grass. Odd?! The fact that I watched the entire interaction and was almost late for work. ( SO, Shagz...why are you late for work? "Oh, just some Gopher humpin' .") Is That so? How odd.

Friday, July 13, 2007

There is not try or try not, there is only do or do not. "That's Yoda" I have failed. I held a door open for a Bird leaving the office today, said please and thankyou to free cookies, and haven't either scratched or spat once. 6pts.....again removed. 70 out of a possible 100 makes me want to shave my legs.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I was at the supermarket purchasing some odds and ends (Focaccia) that I forgot to include with the blueberry and mango dark rum salsa that I drizzled over my oven roasted chicken for dinner. My tiny fuzzy white ass needs to eat better than I have of late. Of course it was later than normal dinner time, it being 9:30 in the evening. I decided to take it slow and burn a comp hour so I wouldn't have to rush back to the grind. I passed a frail little old lady, with an oxygen tank in her basketed 3wheeled Grocery electric mobile buggy thing. She was staring intently at something on the topshelf. My guesstimate is that the target area of her gaze was no less than 4ft above her head. I stopped, inquired politely if she needed help "finding something" not "getting something" and was promptly told in a nice little old granny voice to mind my own fucking business, and to get the hell away from her, asshole.

In light of her response to my kind gesture, followed by my subsiquent reaction, and the totality of the interaction itself. I will be awarding myself back those 6points lost from the "My badass self image, and self-ranking on the manly scale" that I knocked off earlier in the week. Rather than overturning the electric tricycle and flicking a lighter near her pure oxygen sniffing haggard old crusty nose- igniting her hair in a blue Q-tip flame of glory, I peacefully and politely excused myself and apologized for my err in offering my assitance.

For the next 3days, I will not be opening doors for the ladies, I will be scratching my twig and berries in public, should I feel the need to clean house, a booger diggin' I will go! followed by flickage in a chicks general direction, I'm farting when I please, burping loudly when ever possible and spitting in public. I'm not showering or brushing my mop until Saturday. I may even just leave my zipper down for the duration to air things out a bit. I'm calling every new girl I meet a Bird or a Lizard, and staring at their assets while engaged in politically incorrect conversation.

In the future should someone that grew up in the lap of chivalry in this country speak to me in that manner, I'll continue with my normal daily routine....

And I'm Snapping into a Slim JIM. OOOOOOOOOooooooH YEEEeeeeeaaaaah!!! Granny's getting an earful from a disrespectful foul mouth 32yr old hooligan, that looks like a hippy, and is down right intimidating when you're sitting in a grocery buggy thing until either she drowns in tears or I get banned for life from whatever store I may be in. "I have bread" and tried to be helpful.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

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7/10/07 Last year about this time, there was an uproar about Geese infesting Collins Park and making it unsafe for human interaction. It was covered extensively in the Gazette and no doubt will be again this year. The rival publications really didn't care too much about the foul. Goose poo + people wanting to picnic = geese B-Gone. Today marks the first mention of leasing a Border collie to rid the Park of the plague Goo, last year tree huggin people without anything better to do went kayaking in the lake/pond to shoo the birds away [I love me some huggin of trees, I also love me some goose dinner if you catch what I'm thrown'in]......

......""in related news that is infinitely less important and covered by our rival paper 07/10/07"" (double quotes in this case denote severe sarcasm). The TSA was able to pass 5 homemade explosive devices through the Albany International Airport's check in/carry on. (the story even made FARK, there's a link over on the left) Granted they weren't labeled with ACME, and there were no notes alluding to the virtual feast of bomb materials that they put on a platter and sent through without a bite. Once astute checker of safety/make plane ride safe/type person, even asked one of the undercover officials to remove a bottle of water that was placed in plain view next to a mass of wires, and batteries of some sort. Wile E Coyote is salavating. I'm psyched he's a Good Ol Boy.

.....in still better yet, related news, nevermind the above story wasn't even mentioned in the paper I work for. I say G-Damn it..... they have a dog to scare geese out of a pond and that my fine friends make my ass feel safer. Knowing that a "Border Collie" is on the job and geese won't shit in my soda bottle. If a plane happens to blow up 12minutes away and spray wreckage on my apartment I only hope it isn' the blue water.

Maybe I could make the cut this time to become a Federal Air Marshall, and be the guy with the water bottle and mass of kaboom trying to make it through security. I'll even buy me a Border Collie and take'm along for the ride.

Monday, July 9, 2007

This morning at the unGodly hour of 7am, 7:02am to be exact I was woken (awakened?, woke, awake-ed) by a bright flash of light. It startled me beyond anything I have experienced to date. Heart racing, upset stomach, pseudo-heart mitrovalve prolapse type shit. Skip a beat and swallow hard. Since I have triple thick curtains and limo tinting on my balcony sliding doors there was no explanation for the bright light; other than, I thought immediately at the time "Aliens are coming to give me a probe" I don't want the extraterrestrial butt whammy..... Of course, a split second after my irrationality a monsterous thunderclap followed the flash. The beginning of a thunderstorm had conveinently started 4ft feet from my balcony with a bolt that split a 60 or 70ft tree in half. I normally enjoy thunderstorms, I like thunder, I can't wait to see lightning it amazes me to see such power. Only this morning I didn't realize that the reason my hair was standing on end wasn't bed head. ( I have a serious mop on my melon, and it's standard to be discombobulated when I get out of my coffin in the afternoon) I had been re-arranging my bedroom and my incredibly comfortable bed was relegated to in front of the balcony doors. Not anymore I can tell you. Any time you wake up from a thunderclap and immediately think the Aliens are coming to get you it's time to re-situate the sleeping arrangements to where they were previously. I quickly fell back asleep to the sound of the pouring rain [insert any cheesy song that includes "sound of pouring rain"]. My badass self image, and self-ranking on the manly scale just dropped 6points.

I don't believe in aliens, and if I did I would be pretty firm in my belief that they could care less about the people of earth. We suck in general. We're a degenerative disease, a cancer of the planet. And sometimes...oh, sometimes we kick puppies. Lightning, thunder and all.

<==== Somedays you don't feel like being the good guy. I've officially changed the photo over there to reflect: the pissed off asshat that comes out when I don't get enough sleep, don't get enough booze, feel like being the meathead that everyone hated in High school, looking like a rockstar, feeling tough, being a fraternity guy and all it entails, walking down the street in Sch'dirt, chatting with bikers at stop lights, scaring little kids in the supermarket while searching for Carvel icecream bunny cakes, when I'm driving, when I'm talking to cops in Lake George or Saratoga or Schenectady or Potsdam or Boston or Syracuse or Bozeman or Big Sky or Oneonta or Burlington or Manchester or anywhere else I've spoken to Police in an official business like setting for them, when I feel like feeling like a guy who is muscular must feel, when I shoot pool, when I have to work on a regular day off, if it's sunny out and I feel like wearing a hat backwards, most generally most lately.

I think it works for me. Now all I have to do is start treating people like shit on a regular basis, buy a bonsai tree, and all my dreams will come true. Or at least I'll get a blue cheese and horseradish crusted steak out of the deal.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

This past weekend was just as I expected. Unfortunately I didn't get to do all the things I had planned on the agenda. The Friday BAchelor party was fun.... ran into Beuf's Bar. Lost my Credit Card somewhere out on Lake George doing 80mph in the pitch black of night. I felt like a drug runner...it was awesome. I'm Pretty sure that a Credit card can't swim seeing as how they don't have arms or legs. Saturday was the furniture move, which started later than expected due to the Hunt for C.C. Red October. IN the house...no....at the bars....NO.....in the lake?....most likely. By the time all was said and done couch out, couch in, trailor, recliners, chairs, dressers, in, out, in , out....transported to my place, in, up and done., It was too late and I was shy just about 9hrs of sleep, to attempt the drive to CT. The celebration for Steve and Rachels gettin' hitched 9hrs after the ceremony was alive and kickin when I got a call wondering where the hell I was. When the furniture was loaded and packed into my place and the placement was finished, I had made it three steps closer to the bedroom when the specific gravity of said new couch in my place sucked me in and didn't let go until 3pm today. I have no doubt that should I have tried to drive down to the celebration, they would be peeling me off the side of the road wrapped around a Mack truck...still sleeping gently in a pudding like state somewhere near Poughkeepsie..

First opening I get I have to drive down and apologize in person with Stogies and a few uber expensive bottles of Andre' Cham"pain". ok, ok I'll bring a bottle of Dom...but the case of Andre is less expensive being that it's only 3$ a bottle.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

After returning home from work Thursday at 2am, I was ready for a great big day of relaxing. I took the normal route to the Oasis, T-minus 5minutes of travel and a much needed after work beer. When I pulled into the complex there was a pleasant gentle breeze. My now {normal parking spot was open as per the neighbors leaving it for me}. You still have to love territoriality and the benefits it can afford you no matter how old you get. (just don't use MY F-in' crayons bitch!).

I stepped out of my truck, glanced at the light shining over the locked entrance way to my building started my not so laborious walk carrying my spent tupperware dinner containers, man-purse around my shoulders and keys at the ready..... when I heard a voice.

Some dude, was walking out of the shadows toward me. Instantly thanks to the ""old neighborhood"", fight or flight had me glance at the door, then with ninja cat-like reflexes (Because a ninjacat is just that much faster than a regular ninja) I had a blade shining in the light and was inquiring why said monkey had decided to startle me and whether or not he was willing to get cut up for said offense. Here's the interaction between middle aged fat lard scaring people on the way into their apartment bastard (FL, Fat Lard) and knife weilding ready to gut you if you blink wrong=> me (DH, Dirty Harry).

~FL... "Hey man can you give me a ride to Brandywine and State, my mother lives down the way in another building and I couldn't wake her, to give me a ride home" "she's 70yrs old."~DH..."Your Mom is 70 and you're banging on her door at 2:30am expecting to wake her to give you a ride to crack corner in Sch'dirt?"~FL... "I have cash I can give you for gas"~DH.."take a step back chief, I'll call you a cab"~FL..."I only have 3$, not enough for a cab"~DH.."What the F are you doing 8miles from where you want to be, walking around at 2:30am, asking people for rides from peeps with 3 F'in dollars?" ~FL...."you looked young, I didn't think one of the old people here would listen to me"(2:35am)~DH..."You think you're Mother would have gotten up to drive your ass up there?"~FL... "probably not"~DH..."what makes you think a stranger would give you a lift?"~FL..."I was at the K-mart up the street, and thought I'd walk over here to my mothers to ask for a ride."~DH..."There's no Kmart up the street..."~FL ..."could you give me a lift?"~DH..."How much would you give me for gas money should I decide to give you a lift?"~FL.."I only have 10dollars"~DH...Back the fuck up man"~FL..."I just need a ride" ( approaches DH, and then sees glimmer of blade)~FL..."whoa man, no need to be hostile"~DH..."I'm headed into the building, I'm calling a cab, your ass is going to stay away from my truck, and wait in the middle of the parking lot in the light until the cab shows up, or you're headed to Glenville PD's finest hotel room."~FL "F-U, man....."~DH...."guess it's the G-ville police then I'm sure they'll give you a ride home" (DH almost has time to hit send on the cel phone that he had dialed 911 on covertly)

G-ville PD shows up; sketchball is waiting in the light in the center of the parking lot well away from my truck. Mom Dukes had already called the police and they had been on their way.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I decided today that, I wanted to try my hand at the lottery, not the vending machine lottery but the Win 4 Life lottery. I scratched diligently and carefully trying to make it a cliffhanger. So slowly I scratched hoping to see a shit-ton of "Win" or a great prize in the prize area.... I should stick to the things that I know. B6 wins me a Lipton Iced Green Tea. it costs just about the same and is twice as refreshing.

I have tommorrow off so I won't have to be here at work, and I'm trying to decide how to celebrate the Independence of Our fine country. I think that I'm going to Commute to the local beer store on my Scooter and buy me some tasty cold British Beers, set a Bush on fire and watch a baseball game with grilled weenies and peanuts.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

The New Zealand Herald reports ........"Lindsay Lohan has been tipped to play Paris Hilton in a movie of her life. The Mean Girls actress, who is currently in Malibu's Promises rehab centre, could also be joined by Britney Spears on the project. A source told Britain's Daily Mail newspaper: "There have already been negotiations with a major film company to make the Paris Hilton biopic with Lindsay Lohan playing Paris - with Britney Spears singing the soundtrack."..........

I'm going to have to think really hard not to be rude when saying anything about this particular topic. And it has to be true, cuz I got the Hollywood Gossip from a paper based in New Zealand....they have hobbits and shit down there.

I've spent the majority of the evening trying to look busy at work, being as offkilter as I am. It's not that I partied like a rockstar to the extent that I almost wore black leather stinky pants and sang Kareoke, leaving the rest of my crew to play in the Air Band behind me. I don't do stuff like that. The amount of retardation that I normally subject myself to on a given weekend was pretty comperable to this weekends madness. It was definitely the driving that kept me from resting, and the scheduling that made it impossible to catch anything even remotely like sleep except for the 5min power nap I took on Gonzo's couch ;after the return trip from CT, before heading to the Hellfire and Brimstone party. Refreshing no so much...it felt too good to close my eyes and then have to hop on the bus to whoop it up for another 12hrs. I ate a ton of food, which is different than my normal diet on the weekends, and didn't really lace up my drankin boots that tight. This evening I'm going to hope and pray that I don't get into the same mode I was in last week at his time, staying awake until wednesday.

The upcoming weekend has more jam packed fun in store. Here's the break down. Friday afternoon, an Early dinner at the Water's Edge.... I take flight to Lake George for a Bachelor Party (Bars close at 4am) I get up, Sat morning to race home and be here for the new couchs' arrival. A quick Shower and pimping of the suit and tie variety to hit the road for South Eastern CT and a wedding. Tie one on at the after reception, I'll be pimped out, so it's going to be a Scotch night. Find a suitable place sleep like in the passenger seat of my truck. Sunday I have a B-B-Que to attend in the early aftermorning back in Glenville, followed by work until 3am. Caffiene and Nicotine fueled ball of energy That's what I'll be.

I'll be away on Wednesday unfortunately they've decided to give me a paid holiday, Strange enough, I've never had one of those before. This place rocks with all it's hurry up and wait, paychecks, and paid holidayness. I think I'll stick it out for another year or so.

UGH.............. not quite feeling like typing, but will mention an AR-15 with grenade launcher, laser, and flashlight, and a blowtorch. Give a dog a bone already. Both of which I was able to get my hands on prior to the Super-Que and firework display of champions back closer to my homestead.....

To describe the weekend I can only say that I'm Shattered tired right now, and definitely had a quality time.