Don’t Say That

“So you think telling her I want to bend her over the couch is a bad idea?”

I don’t have to see her face to know her eyes are rolling.

“If you want to piss her off and push her away you can tell her that you want to pull her skirt up and do her on her driveway, but I don’t think you really want to do that.”

“That is not a bad idea, but I think I already told her that once. I definitely told her I wanted to bed her over the couch and she said it sounded great. Hell, she told me I could do whatever I wanted and she would be happy.”

There is a deep sigh followed by, “men are idiots and you might be dumber than most. She meant all those things when she said them but that was a different time. Deal with the present.”

“So asking for a blow job or a quickie on an imitation Hallmark card is out. What happens if I preface by saying I think you are beautiful and sexy.”

“Are you determined to be a jerk or does it come naturally?”

“It is natural and it is not my fault she is being a pain-in-my-ass or that she follows the typical female double standard. Believe me if the situation was reversed she would be less forgiving of my silence.”

“Ok, you are an idiot and a jerk. If you don’t get her to have a real conversation with you this will never change. Trust me, I am a woman and I understand how we think.”

“Nobody understands how you think, not even you and I am tired of hearing all the things woman want and how men should do them. I ought to call her and tell her I am tired of her shit and it is time for her to suck it up and talk.”

“I wouldn’t suggest that approach and if I did, well don’t say ‘suck it up’ she’ll think you are trying to figure out how to get in her pants and be more guarded.”

“Wait a minute, didn’t you say she is going to assume that I am trying to get in her pants anyway?”

“Yes, but you want her to think you are doing that because you are madly in love with her and not because you need to get laid.”

“Dammit, this confuses the hell out of me. If the thinks I just want to get laid she may sleep with me because she wants to get laid to and it is just sex. But if she thinks I am in love with her she may not sleep with me even though she wants to get laid because she doesn’t want complications.

So I am supposed to somehow get her to talk to me, make her aware of her feelings for me and then hope that she chooses to follow and not ignore them. That is assuming she still has feelings and they aren’t gone, because they could be gone.

‘This isn’t helpful, but I promise she still loves you and has warm feelings for you, but is she in love with you, well that might not be. Hell, she could be and not realize it, especially if you keep pissing her off and pushing her away with those stupid comments.”

*****

“What the hell was that loud noise. Please tell me you didn’t throw the phone.”

“I didn’t throw the phone, I threw something else and yelled something about wishing I was gay.”

‘You don’t wish you were gay.”

“Maybe I do, maybe you just don’t want more competition for men because you know I’d be a better lover than you. Trust me, I am a man and I know what men like.”

“I trust that you are an idiot. Just tell her how you feel and let it go. If it is meant to be it will happen when it is meant to happen and if not, move on.”

“You ought to write Dr. Laura and tell her you are going to take her job. You can be Dr. Sally. The world needs another fake woman shrink.”

There was a long sigh followed by another comment about men.

“You know there is one good thing about men. You’re good for moving things. I need you to meet me at Costco. I am going to buy a couch and you are going to help move it.”