Last week i was in an interesting event. My father asked me to film the celebration of 45 years from graduation of his class. Also they were making a homage to two class mates. The supreme court’s president and vice president from São Paulo. It’s a rare thing to have the two most important positions in law occupied by two people from the same class. No need to say my father was in law. He worked in the field as a lawyer for ten years but after he got some money he changed his focus to business. It was a really interesting event to be attended. A lot of joy from old friends created the mood but for someone from outside that sphere there was something more enchanting to notice. As they were celebrating 45 years of graduation most there would have 70 years or more. As one of the classmates mentioned in his speech “they are in the autunm of their carriers”. So there they were in the end of their race looking at each other. Trying to learn what happened with the others or maybe avoiding it. One could notice some got rich and some didn’t. Some got powerful and other didn’t. Some looked really old and others didn’t. Some were not there anymore. Many died. But who got what they were looking for in their carriers? Who was there with a strong fire in the eyes with no worries about how did the other go and satisfied with the journey? I can say it was impossible to say. If the richer were happier. If the better looking had a better life. I looked at that group and imagined my self in their positions. It kind of scares me. What will i think of my life when i’ve already lived it?

Sure it ain’t over till it’s over!!! My father has at least 20 to 30 years more!! I mean their carriers and not their lives. As they were classmates their bonds and even comparisons could arise more in this subject. I wouldn’t dare to say they are in the end of their lives. The are probably enjoying the best of it. It’s just time enough to understand the shape of their shadows. The results of all those plans made in the university.

LOL… Don’t worry Jessica. You are not being rude. But they were not even looking at me. I couldn’t be more invisible for them except for my father that know me. The rest just saw me as the guy that was filming. That’s why it was great to watch. Because i was outside the group. And it was a big group. Around 150 people. So it was not my place to say anything. And surely they did a great job!!! but that was not the subject of the post.

I have learned something in my 36 years of life and that is that people go around trying to plan and plot ahead, but ultimately if we have enough faith it is up to God what lays ahead for us and God can make it more wonderful and more good than we “can ever imagine” as some one, maybe a missionary said to me once.

Okay, well maybe not the other guys, but your dad? Today I observed a 5 or 6 year old child who could not really swim (too far) … jump in to the water. Her dad was there to help her. I had goggles on so I put my head under the water and I could see her bob back up. She actually dove down a little bit and then rose up to the top. She is blond and has this super cute frog like smile. I really like her and her mother and her mom had the same midwife that I had for both of my children. It kind of reminded me of a movie like “Splash” or “Beaches” just something like a special club type feeling with a song.

My dad knows how well i think of him. Don’t worry really!! He is better than me in any sense. I really wasn’t talking about him… I was talking about our generation. The expectations for the future. What happens when you get there… Things like that…

Well, unless you are just being sentimental and dreamy like that I think that you are missing a point. I have been in a place where I had complete peace and I knew for a fact that I would be completely happy enternally like that. I am on the other side of the mirror now so I can see how there can be a real wall a complete and honest unawareness to what I am talking about. When I was “eternally happy” I was living with a man that I loved completely. We had a lot of sex. We went to the movies and out to eat whenever we wanted to. We enjoyed church services at The LDS Church. We lived together in an apartment that had pools and tennis courts out side and little free gym type rooms. The set up was a little different depending on what apartment complex we were at, between him and I we lived at 2 different ones. He and I enjoyed books and writing and taking college classes was important to us. We were no married yet. We had not had children yet. I was eternally happy. Ugh, I wish that I could explain this. I respect so much what you are talking about with your dad. I have an enormous desire with in myself to be at a logically successful place in life, but I do not at all believe that that defines out happiness. Happiness does “define” site and vision though…

Sorry…but YOU are missing the point. I’m not being naive. I’m just talking about something else. I started this post to point out how subjective happiness can be and mention i wonder how will i feel if i get to that point. How people feel if they get to that point. I looked at those people and i wondered how they were feeling. If they got where they wanted. If they had any resentment. That it… nothing else…

You used the wording that you were “scared when you thought of it” and I was just trying to say that there is nothing to be afraid of. I know that for a fact, because I have been somewhere in my life that showed me that and I know that it had to do with love and God. I will drop it though.

Sometimes i can’t explain exactly what i mean over the web. I guess there can be some misunderstanding sometimes. I just tried to explain my side of it. Don’t be sorry. I guess we weren’t talking the same things. That was just it.

I have a feeling that someone like you, when he reaches that Autumn, should have a satisfied mind. I know our perceptions of each other can be muted or distorted through the web, but I think you seem too passionate to allow you life amount to anything less than its infinite value.
🙂

Well, you are a movie director right? The other day you said on here that you “know for sure that I am a good person”. Later I thought about that and I thought wow. Some one famous like yourself just saying that really means a lot. Thank you.

Yes Jessica. I’m a Movie director but i’m not a famous person. Brasil is not the US. Movies here are not like blockbusters… but what i said is true… you are a good person… and that should count as much as if Steven Spielberg said it because i was talking about you and not me. 🙂

Well, after my ex fiance and I had been unable to get a long for a couple of years and I was still trying to make it work. He and I were sitting out side of his apartment at night (he was making me leave) and he called me a “loser”. He said “you are a loser” and I said “You think that you are better than me?” and he laughed (I love his laugh) and he said “Yes”. Sometimes I never understand him. That was 9 years ago and it still hurts me very much when I think of him saying that.

I can see that situation… not nice. You can be sure that i real Winner would never say that to you…and it doesn’t matter what others think about you… are you happy with yourself??? if you are you should not care with these comments… that’s why i wrote this post at first place… because i’ll never be able to tell who was a real winner in that room… sometimes the powerful people can feel miserable…and the ones you don’t give a nickel are much better resolved… so please to think about that…

Yes, I am happy with myself. I am confused about why my life has gone the way that it has gone and I am not sure, but I think that that confusion does frustrate or embarass me it is difficult for me though, but I am so happy with myself. I feel like my cup runneth over and I need someone (a true husband) to share that happiness with. Both of my children came out healthy and very attractive and good at sports and school from what I hear about Tristan too. Ezra is a wonderful creative, silly, kind and smart companion. My boys’ father is a fun, smart and caring guy. I have a 3.86 college GPA and 63 credit hours so if I had the time and the money I could easily transfer at this point to a university and get a degree. I know what I like. I like archeology, writing and organic gardening. I am thrilled that I am a LDS and that I know how their temples work, so if I had the time and the money for that too I would never feel too far from God or whatever. I have good landlord references and have lived in the home town of my roots with Ezra in the same apartment with no real troubles for 5 years. My cat is healthy and well cared for. I take her to the vet routinely for shots and dewormer. I like my relationship as a mother with the grocery store and cooking. I have some body image issues, but I believe that they can be temporary as long as I do the right things to maintain myself, so that does not overly worry me. It just motivates me a lot.