I am just so totally stuck on the fact that they expected a couple to share a not-private bedroom for an extended period of time. That is crazy. How in the world did they think that was going to work? They get a private bedroom where their private life stays private and put you in a living space that is not private and then feel free to judge? That is not right. Was the plan for them to ignore other activities as long as they approved? I just do not get their thinking on this. I think they were rude and sneaky to pull a bait and switch. And I think she was rude by being condescending about you relationship while she was telling you to leave, when they were the ones that had asked you to come in the first place. She should have just said sorry, it wasn't working out. What kind of people do this?

I mean, I guess to go back to your original question, if you were sharing an apartment the way people normally do where you had your own room, it would be rude to be so loud that they can still hear you over music or something, but that is not the situation you were in. They put you in that situation, what in the world did they expect. I'm baffled by them.

Pretty much what I was thinking. They forced you into a situation where you had no privacy and then judged you when they observed you doing (non sexual) things that couples do in private. And then kicked you out with no notice.

1) Whilst your bedroom was not technically private (in the sense that other people could see you), it was still YOUR living space; your personal quarters. I think in that scenario, Ed and his wife should have maintained a "polite fiction" and pretended that your bedroom was truly private and that no one could see what was going on.

2) If they were truly bothered by the wrestling, they should have given you "fair warning" that they'd like you to stop. Not kicked you out right away.

3) The comments made by Ed's wife were unnecessarily judgmental. All she had to say was "Guys, I'm really not comfortable with the wrestling." Not disparage the OP's entire relationship.

Are we sure this was just about the wrestling? As I recall from previous threads, the OP and her boyfriend have quite the nontraditional relationship. It's possible that the friend didn't realize the extent of this, and when she discovered it, it made her uncomfortable.

My relationship with my DH is just like yours and we have so much fun! We wrestle, "zing" each other, etc. all the time. It's a very important part of our friendship, which in turn is a very important part of why we've been (mostly) happily married for 20 years (and what got us through the "mostly" times).

I can appreciate that not everyone enjoys a rambunctious physical relationship... but to call it sick and kick you out with no notice? No.

Edited to add - It would really tick me off if someone sprung a loft on me and then complained that they could see and hear the non-sexual stuff that went on in my "bedroom". Well gee, maybe YOU should have thought of that before you pulled this stunt!

By "teasing" do you mean playful insults? That combined with the wrestling could make her feel like she is witnessing something that is almost abusive, physically and verbally. If she feels that way then I think it is understandable for her to decide she can't tolerate it in her home. She might even feel she needs to explain why, although it sounds like her explanation was unkind to say the least.

I was wondering too if the wife had a feeling she was witnessing something abusive or at least something that felt disturbingly like abuse or potential abuse to her? Or just so uncomfortable she couldn't live with it?

I wonder this because of two reasons.

1. My father liked to "playfullly insult" and "tease" my mother. It was only much later that I realized his "playfulness" masked real derogatory and denigrating comments that over time, sapped her self esteem and confidence. To this day, although I now know that there's teasing and then there's teasing, I am not terribly comfortable around couples who behave like that on a regular or constant basis because in the back of my mind, I wonder what the hidden agenda is behind the playfulness. I fully understand that is MY issue, but I'd have a hard time living with a couple like that, especially if the playful insults escalated to wrestling and pinning each other down. There is also a part of me that would wonder if the wrestling and pinning might someday escalate to actual physical abuse. It would feel like I was now living with ticking timebombs.

2. Reading your story made me remember an incident from long ago. A friend freaked out and physically attacked another friend's boyfriend because of her own life experiences that colored what she was seeing in a very dark light. She attacked him when boyfriend came up behind his girlfriend, playfully (and lightly) grabbed girlfriend by the back of the neck and bent her backwards -- intending to dip her for a kiss. We were all laughing because WE could see that he was holding her lightly (and had his other arm around her waist supporting her) and WE could see both of them laughing. The friend who attacked him could not see what was really happening because the movement triggered a horrible memory of the time she was attacked and raped -- which started by some guy coming up behind her, grabbing her by the neck in a strangling move and pushing her down to the ground. She couldn't see the reality because the apparent activity was triggering. She was understandably upset and embarrassed when the dust settled and then distraught when she, very slowly and haltingly, told us why she'd reacted that way. And the boyfriend never once grabbed his girlfriend like that in the other woman's presence because it would be unkind to set off someone's trauma trigger.

Which is a long way of saying that perhaps you set off this woman's triggers and she was "unkind" because she was too upset internally to guard her tongue.

I agree with Cami - the problem with the "mock hostile" style of relating is that outsiders may not pick up on the "mock". The other couple may have really thought they were seeing an abusive relationship, rather than people playing around.

Of course, in that case, it might have been better to offer assistance rather than simply kicking both of you out.

Logged

My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Are we sure this was just about the wrestling? As I recall from previous threads, the OP and her boyfriend have quite the nontraditional relationship. It's possible that the friend didn't realize the extent of this, and when she discovered it, it made her uncomfortable.

He is my DH, not my boyfriend.

We didn't really discuss our relationship with them. The only time when there was ever a question was when Ed wanted DH to go with him to hang out with some mutual friends. DH couldn't go because of me. Ed didn't like that too much.

Are we sure this was just about the wrestling? As I recall from previous threads, the OP and her boyfriend have quite the nontraditional relationship. It's possible that the friend didn't realize the extent of this, and when she discovered it, it made her uncomfortable.

He is my DH, not my boyfriend.

We didn't really discuss our relationship with them. The only time when there was ever a question was when Ed wanted DH to go with him to hang out with some mutual friends. DH couldn't go because of me. Ed didn't like that too much.

I think there was probably a certain amount that was picked up through observation.

Are we sure this was just about the wrestling? As I recall from previous threads, the OP and her boyfriend have quite the nontraditional relationship. It's possible that the friend didn't realize the extent of this, and when she discovered it, it made her uncomfortable.

He is my DH, not my boyfriend.

We didn't really discuss our relationship with them. The only time when there was ever a question was when Ed wanted DH to go with him to hang out with some mutual friends. DH couldn't go because of me. Ed didn't like that too much.

I think there was probably a certain amount that was picked up through observation.