Very Bad Things

Earl:Something about the combination of fumes and bright colors made Randy love to
spray paint.

Earl: We're not selling a truck with a man in the back!

Joy: You sound like a gay Kermit the Frog.

Earl: We gotta get him to a hospital.Joy: We'll get caught.Earl: No we won't. We'll just drop him off and drive away like people do with babies and grandparents.

Joy: So what do you hate more, flies or mosquitos?Earl: Why?Joy: Just making conversation, damn nevermind.Earl: Mosquitos.Joy: You know they say mosquitos in Africa kill people. Can you imagine
the size them things got to be?

Randy: It's perfect Earl.Earl: Yeah it really is. I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in 6 foot
letters on the side of a stolen truck.Randy: I'm gonna go into town and get some more white paint to cover it up.Earl: Good ideaRandy: If the cops come while I'm gone, tip it on it's side.

Jump For Joy

Earl: The Beverly Hillbillies?Randy: They're super rich.Earl: They're pretend Randy, just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump. They're just TV characters.Randy: Well, The Jeffersons are real right? 'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year.
Remember, we paid him a dollar to say "Weezie".

Joy: I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate is making wine.

Earl: If he was poor, we'd call him crazy, but since he's rich, we just call him Sir.

Darnell: Earl, thanks again for loaning us all this money.Earl: No problem Crabman, besides what kind of man doesn't help his ex-wife to make bail.

Joy: Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here. Someone needs to figure out
what the hell we're gonna do!

Earl: Look Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them. That's why that troop of
"flat chested pygmy sluts" won't deliver girl scout cookies to ya anymore.

Joy: I'm gonna need another lawyer. It's nothing
personal, it's just that I don't want to be represented by someone
who's ears are only good for holding up glasses.Doug (The translater of Joy's deaf lawyer Ruby Whitlow):
She said she is the lawyer that the court appointed you and if you
don't like it you can represent yourself, you ignorant white trash whore.

Randy: If you make friends with anybody, make friends with the tall guy. I know where there's
a frisbee stuck in a tree.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl from My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones

Larceny of a Kitty Cat

Judy: (Sebastian's owner) Well he certainly has put on
an extra few pounds. Huh, fatty, fatty, fat, fat. But Mommy won't be
too critical, because critcal Mommies make for bulemic teenagers that
become needy adults that drink a lot of red wine.

Joy: Earl buy me some chicken wings?Earl: You can't buy your own chicken wings?Joy: I'm facing my third stike and could spend the rest of my life in prison and you can't grant me
6 scrawny ass wings, celery sticks and blue cheese?Earl:(to Crabman) Get her some wings.Joy: And a pitcher of margaritas.

Darnell: Why do you still doing with that cat?Earl: I've been trying to find a home for him but nobody wants a
chumby cat who weezes after he takes a do.

Judy:Don't you want to take your shoes off and get comfortable?Randy:My feet smell.Judy: That's what feet are suppose to do, Silly. Why do you think
God put them so far away from your nose?

Earl: You know, I bet there are a lot of girls out there that
would like the real Randy.Randy: All I need is one. One that hates cats, and birds, and pickles, dill pickles
not the bread and butter kind. And Wednesdays, she's gotta hate Wednesday's too.

Earl: I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious!Randy: Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believing in karma. Plus, we always
buy the kind of cereal you like.

Randy: She liked me Earl. Even when I laughed so hard I
ripped one, she laughed so hard she ripped one.

Made a Lady Think I was God

Earl: We got to Hendersonville late because Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane to see if
it would lift the car off the ground. It didn't and we lost the directions.

Randy: Hey Darnell, do you ever tell your sister that you love her?Darnell: I said it once when I thought she was dead. She was just past out from low blood sugar. I'm
still glad I said it. Now they have her on insulin. Who knows when I'll get another chance.

Joy: At the risk of agreeing with the maid, she's got a point. I say we torch a sheep.

Randy: I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly.

Earl: I love you Randy.Randy: I love you too Earl.long uncomfortable pauseEarl: I gotta take a leak.Randy: I'm gonna play with the radio.

Mailbox

Randy: Earl says it's illegal to open somebody else's mail.Joy: That's the good thing about have 3 strikes. You don't have to worry about stupid laws anymore.Randy: I wish I had 3 strikes.Joy:(smiling sweetly) You will someday.

Randy: When you do into the witness protection program, they let you pick your own name? Cause if I
ever witness anything, I'm going to name myself "Crash Fishfight".Darnell: Damn, that's a good one.

Randy: Hey Joy, can you help me?Joy: The only thing that would help your worthless, never-achieve-anything-in-your-waste-of-a-breath life is if somebody drowned you in the river.
(starts laughing) I'm just giving you a hard time sweetie. Whatcha need?