Jeffrey: Dammit, I forgot the cardinal rule of Oscar prognosticating: always go with the Holocaust.

[Joe Biden walks out]

Jeffrey: JOE BIDEN?!

Andres: Where’s Leslie Knope?!

[Commercial break, and the current running has Jeffrey and Andres both at 9, Andres’ Mom at 7, and Roberto at 6. Also, we found out that Brie Larson went and hugged every single person that was on stage with Lady Gaga. We love you Brie Larson.]

ORIGINAL SCORE

“And the Oscar goes to…”
THE HATEFUL EIGHT

Jeffrey: About time!

Andres: How is it Ennio Morricone’s FIRST one?

ORIGINAL SONG

“And the Oscar goes to…”
WRITING ON THE WALL

Andres: Boooo-ring.

Jeffrey: Second Bond theme to win in a row? That’s kind of boring.

[Ali G!]

Andres: This is the best.

DIRECTING

Andres: This is gonna be tough.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
ALEJANDRO G. INARRITU

Andres: No…….

Jeffrey: Fuck you! The emperor has no clothes!

[Innaritu prattles on endlessly.]

Andres: Why is he still going on?!

Jeffrey: He could have said the most profound shit, and I honestly wouldn’t care. Also, has there ever been a director less deserving of this award?

Andres: Actually…

[During commercials]

Andres: Warning everyone, a few years back when Her won best original screenplay, I screamed. I may do the same if Brie Larson wins.

LEADING ACTRESS

[During 45 Years, referring to Charlotte Rampling.]

Roberto: 45 years too old….

“And the Oscar goes to…”
BRIE LARSON

Andres: YESYESYESYESYESYES. There should have been a standing ovation right now.

LEADING ACTOR

[Cut to Matt Damon’s performance]

Roberto: CGI beard… now we know.

“And the Oscar goes to…”
LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Andres: …well, it’s about damn time.

Roberto: Now the Academy is saying, “everyone, shut up.”

Jeffrey: I count this for Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, look at Tom Hardy… I’d let him violate me.

Roberto: I was about to say the same thing.

[Leo is saying that The Revenant is about man’s relationship to the natural world.]

Andres: Jeffrey and I have been doing this Oscar pool for the last three years, and he won the last two. I finally won. Alright! Post-Oscar time. Honestly, I’m okay with most of this. Outside of maybe four choices. Mark Rylance winning due to his great subtle performance isn’t something I’d be angry at in a lesser year, but when he’s up against Stallone… I have to argue with it. Best Director should have gone to anyone but Alejandro. I’m not angry that Lubezki won because the one truly great thing about that film is how gorgeous it is, though it’s frustrating that this is the third year in a row he’s won. Meanwhile, Ed Lachman hasn’t won once. Lubezki now joins Robert Richardson and Vittorio Storaro (Apocalypse Now) as one of the (now 3) only cinematographers to win the Academy Award for three times. John Seale has won once for The English Patient, and then there’s Rogers Deakins who has been nominated for the award a staggering THIRTEEN TIMES but STILL hasn’t won. Four of those were over the past four years. It’s safe to say, I had an opinion on this matter. It’s not due to Deakins’ choice of digital over 35mm (or film in general, as none of the 5 were shot on 35mm) since the winner was shot on digital as well. Anyway, I did my post-rant. Jeffrey, your turn.

Jeffrey: I really don’t have much to say other than that this Oscars would have been really boring if I wasn’t with you guys. Some of the jokes that didn’t make it into this article were some of the hardest laughs I’ve had in a while. Who can’t wait until next year to do this all over again?