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10 (Normal) Things That Only Highly Successful People Do

Did you misunderstand The Wolf of Wall Street? Perfect. I imagine that, after you saw that movie, you had a sudden urge to get rich and dateable, through a mix of “philosophies” that are only recommended by people on the internet who list their occupation as “Entrepreneur.”

But I’m here to tell you that you don’t need any of that bullshit in order to become highly successful. And this isn’t the kind of successful where you can say “I’m wealthy in love.” This is the kind of success that’s measured solely in cash. The ten things that I’m about to tell you are going to make you rich. And not “in spirit.” In the real way.

With these tips, you’ll be a regular American psycho!

1. Talk on the phone, and laugh loudly about your investments. Even if you’re the owner of a Barnes & Noble, you’re still laughing on your blue tooth about all the investments you have. “Don’t buy stock in that. It’s down!” successful people say. “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be Hardin & Pierce right now. They’re about to go under. Literally and figuratively. Haha!”

2. When a successful person wakes up in the morning, they shut off every clock in their house, because time is money, and money is paranoia.

3. Twist online quizzes around so that you get the desired outcome. If you’re taking “What Star Wars Character Are You?” and you want to be Han Solo, when the question “How do you handle a risky situation?” comes up, you better pick “Without thinking. I just jump in.” Ignore the fact that the people you idolize don’t take quizzes to compare themselves to the people they idolize. We live in a social media-driven society. One of the biggest steps to success is lying to yourself.

4. Learn different, mystic forms of karates and become Batmen and Batwomen. Punch anyone in the face, just for being crime-related. When people say that Batman is a menace and a vigilante, successful people smirk and calmly say “I don’t think he’s that bad of a guy.”

Two Christian Bales in one article? Merry Christmas, you.

5. Buy a bunch of folding chairs and place them around the apartment. If you have an important thought or idea, you can sit down and ponder it. Also will be great for all the parties you have when you’re successful and engaging enough to be the life of the party. Think about all the chairs you’ll have, and all the hot blondes that will sit in them, interested in you.

6. Think about potential names for the small business that will eventually erupt into a goldmine of opportunities and hotel affairs. Think, primarily, about one-word, easy to remember titles. Anything that sounds like it’s from space, but not from nerds. Things like “Vortex” and “Galaxy.”

Pray.

7. Get up early, but don’t actually start working until the afternoon. By that time, the other successful people will be tired and have to go home, and all the energy-fueling rays from the sun will be yours to take.

8. Create a “Pump Up” playlist. That never fails to motivate.

9. Interrupt people to talk about your “startup.” And never fail to constantly refer to it as your “startup.” Calling the business that you haven’t really started yet a “startup” usually means that you have no idea what you’re doing, but you’re confident about it.

10. Don’t be scared of failure. But do be scared of losing all of your savings. Because that would blow.