Wife, "I'm so excited we will be running the London marathon tomorrow, what time do we need to set off, as it's a long drive?"Me, "About 4 o'clock in the morning, babe"Wife, "I am so worried about being tired and hitting the Wall"Me, "No danger of that babe, i'll be driving us down there"

"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier"

Dear Sir, I received your letter today, which caused great amusement in the family, when you said you couldn't understand why the account had not been paid and would cause me great hardship if it was not paid immediately.Well I came out of the army in 1958 and got married and had a family, 3 sons and 2 daughters.I bought a small holding and went into businessFoot and mouth disease came and wiped out the lot.I then bought a sawmill, 2 horses and a wagon, but the sawmill burnt down killing the 2 horses and burnt the wagon.Never one to be beaten I tried again and bought a combine harvester, a tractor and a bailer.All seemed to go well for a bit but then the wife left me for a travelling salesman and left me to bring up the family.My eldest son told me he was gay so there would be no heir to the family name.In 1980 one of my daughters got pregnant with twins to a tramp and I had to pay him Â£200 not to become member of the family.

One of my sons while driving the combine harvester was took short and wiped his *beep* on a poisoned rabbit skin.Which gave him an infection from which he died?Unfortunately it was not the one who is gay.In 1985 I again took heart and decided to marry again,I had great trouble trying to make my new wife pregnant.I saw the doctor who said try to cause a bit of excitement at the crucial moment,so that night I took the 12 bore to bed and at the crucial moment fired the gun out of the window,The wife nearly had a heart attack and I shot the balls off the best bull I ever had.First the good news, my wife is pregnant but the bad news is the father is that AI man. Seems he wasn't only serving the cows!My youngest daughter has now become a *beep*, what have I done to deserve this?My son had an accident with the bailer and fell in and got killed, still not the one who's gay.I decided to take up religion but one day the vicar caught me *beep* and made me buy the ugliest dog imaginable for Â£500.Now when people ask me how much the dog was and I say Â£500 they say someone saw you coming.I have now retired and have a heart problem and a weak bladder; I also have a pocket watch with a weak main spring.Winding my watch and running to the toilet is a full time job.So you can imagine my great mirth when you say you will cause me great hardship if the bill is not paid immediately.If you think there is any hardship I have missed out on I would be grateful if you would let me know .

"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier"

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:"You must be a dentist."The guy, surprised, says:"Yes . . . How did you figure that out?""Easy." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"The girl replies . . .