Image description – A screenshot of the front cover of the PDF. Blue text reads “Queerness and Physical Self-Care: Gyms, Team Sports, and Gender.” Smaller text reads “A Document Generated Following the November 2017 Possibilities Calgary Bi+ Discussion Group.” There is a decorative orange line down the right side of the image.

The monthly Possibilities discussions are full of rich insights, knowledge-sharing, and collaboration from within our bisexual, pansexual, asexual, trans-inclusive community.

One of my goals is to create resources that grow out of these generous and creative conversations, so that the work we do in those moments can extend out to join larger conversations about queerness and self-care. One reason for this is because when we are struggling, we have valuable insider knowledge that can help other people who are also struggling – it’s not true that the only people with answers are the “experts” or the ones who have it all figured out. To the contrary – it is often those of us who are actively grappling with an issue who have more direct insight and knowledge to share. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for experts or guides, but part of what I hope to accomplish with my work is consistently and intentionally centering the voices of marginalized individuals and communities, and creating resources that honour hard-won knowledge and skills.

In an effort to share these moments of community-generated wisdom from the Possibilities discussions, I’ll be creating a resource most months that documents and shares our collective insights. Anonymity, or naming, is at each participant’s discretion, and at the beginning of the discussion we talk about why I’m taking notes, what I’m planning to do with them, and how people can access the document before it goes public. Any participants who want to look over the document before it’s made public have that opportunity, and there’s a second check-in at the end of the discussion to make sure everyone is aware of what might be shared and has a chance to opt in or out. Confidentiality within supportive community spaces is so critical, and these documents will not contain identifying details (unless participants want to be named or identified).

This document is meant to extend the conversation and also to invite further conversation. Please email me at sostarselfcare@gmail.com if you have any questions, or would like to add to this discussion.

This document was created following our November 21, 2017 meeting, and is meant to be a resource for the queer community that validates the challenges of physical self-care as a queer person, and offers potential ways forward.

The Key Points

• It can be difficult to access or maintain access to gyms and other fitness-focused spaces because of expectations of gender identity and sexuality, particularly expectations of hypermasculinity and heterosexuality.
• In spaces that are not explicitly queer-inclusive, performing an acceptable identity can keep us safe, but the emotional costs can be high.
• Solidarity – both within the community (going together to a space), and from allies (working to create safer spaces) – is one potential way forward.
• We have made significant progress as a society, but there is a lot more work to be done.
• Self-care is a complex and interconnected process – physical self-care is not distinct from emotional, mental, or social self-care. We need them all.

I’ll be creating a document like this for most of the future Possibilities discussions, so you can look forward to Queerness and Holiday Self-Care coming up next month!

Image description – A stick figure stands beside a table with a small green potted plant. There’s a blue swirl on the pot. Text below reads “You are allowed to love the small things that bring you joy.” There is a little blue and green swirl beside the text. There is a small Tiffany Sostar logo and a link to www.tiffanysostar.com.

Today’s #stickfiguresunday had two separate inspirations.

The first was a moment of realizing that I don’t need to go out to the mountains or the forest in order to connect with nature. Small things are okay. My houseplants are just as much “nature” as the forest, and it is okay that I love their generous greening, their hope-building growth. I wanted to honour that small love that acts as such a welcome source of grounding and connection for me. (I had been feeling guilty about how rarely I spend substantial time outside lately, and how unmotivated I am to go out anywhere when it’s cold and I’m achy.)

The second was a series of conversations with people in my communities who are currently struggling (self included) to keep up with self-care while dealing with external pressures.

For myself, I am still recovering from jet lag and from three weeks that were just non-stop – the first week of November spent cramming two weeks of work into one week (while step-parenting), then 10 days of travel (seven days in Australia for a Narrative Therapy intensive!), then a week of trying to recover (while step-parenting). It was too long without a break, and I’m feeling the effects of it. Even with all the skills, knowledges, and tools I have available, I’m still feeling it.

These long periods of over-extension and overexposure – months that seem to fly past without a single break, that leave us off-balance and feeling frayed and overwhelmed – can make self-care incredibly difficult. We feel like we don’t even have time for self-care, but we know that if we don’t make time for self-care, we’re going to be in worse shape.

So then we are dealing with the exhaustion, the overwhelm, and the guilt and shame.

We’re doing it to ourselves, say the shame gremlins!

If only we were organized enough to do meal planning and prep while barely managing to keep our heads above water!

If only we were disciplined enough to keep up a daily yoga routine in the midst of work and home crises!

If only we were dedicated enough to show up to our journals every morning, yes, even those mornings we can barely manage to crawl out of bed.

If only!

Then, then, we would be strong. Then we would be doing a good job. Then we would be thriving.

But the kind of self-care we think we need in those moments of overwhelm is often out of reach.

A good night’s sleep? Good luck! Anxiety taps us on the shoulder, asks if we wouldn’t mind sitting down for a long chat at 1 am.

A good meal? Great idea! The budget coughs delicately, and anyway the grocery store will take at least an hour.

Showing up to the page? Yes! I am so here for that plan!! The toddler wakes up early, the kitchen is a disaster, the stories you need to write demand quiet and space.

So in these moments, what can we do?

If we can’t do the big things we’re supposed to do, and it’s all our own fault, where does that leave us?

That’s where this Stick Figure Sunday comes in, because even in these days, weeks, months of overwhelm, there are still small moments of joy. It can be difficult to give ourselves permission to really feel those moments of joy when we feel like we’re “failing” at self-care in general. It can be difficult to let ourselves fully embrace the delight of hearing a favourite song, tasting a favourite treat, watering our plants, putting on our favourite outfit. It doesn’t feel like the right kind of self-care because it’s so fleeting and we know that we need something bigger.

So today’s post is official permission to love those small moments and small joys even if you do need something else, and something bigger.

You can love the small moments without betraying your need for a bigger change.

You can hold onto the small joys even in the middle of the huge overwhelm.

Each month, we’ll meet for tea and snacks and discussion – an opportunity to take a deep dive into a specific self-care topic, with space for your questions and insights.

Each self-care salon will include a short presentation by a community expert – someone who can speak from their own experience about a self-care related topic. “Expertise” in this context is a broad and inclusive word, not limited to folks with letters after their names or professional designations, and recognizing the expertise that we each gain over the course of our lives. If you’re interested in presenting, get in touch!

For our inaugural Self-Care Salon we’ll be talking about “narratives of self-care” – what the common perception of self-care is, how it’s discussed in mainstream culture and in activist circles, how marginalized communities can practice self-care and what our stories of self-care include, and what narratives of self-care we’d like to see more often.

Following the presentation by Tiffany Sostar, we’ll have an hour for discussion, including any questions you have about the topic (or about other self-care topics), and then time to chat, network, and work on our self-care plans. Each month you’ll get a resource pack with worksheets, suggestions for further reading, and a self-care plan for you to fill out for the coming month.

These workshops are intended to be as accessible as possible. The space is wheelchair accessible (through the back door), with a separate space for folks who are experiencing sensory overwhelm to chill out, and gluten-free and vegan snack options.

The cost for the workshop is $50 or pay-what-you-want. Nobody will be turned away for financial reasons. The first two workshops will be offered at a discount, because the holiday season is often a time of financial strain even for those of us who are not dealing with economic insecurity. Tickets are available here.

Sustainable and ethical self-care is not possible without intentional and compassionate community care, and the Indigenous communities whose land we live on are often forgotten. These workshops take place on Treaty 7 land, and the traditional territories of the Blackfoot, Siksika, Piikuni, Kainai, Tsuutina, and Stoney Nakoda First Nations, including Chiniki, Bearspaw, and Wesley First Nation. This land is also home to Métis Nation of Alberta, Region 3.

We are always practicing self-care – people are *always* responding to their struggles and challenges, even when those responses are not socially acceptable or recognizable as self-care.

One definition of self-care, the one that I use, is that self-care is any action that honours our needs. This includes actions that may not be sustainable long-term and that may not be socially sanctioned – self-harm, addiction, dissociation, and others.

One definition of sustainable self-care, which I use, is that sustainable self-care happens when we bring awareness, compassion, and intention to these actions.

Many of the ways we talk about self-care are geared towards financially privileged cisgender white women, and these exclusions and erasures can be so hurtful. Our conversations need to expand, our definitions need to develop depth and nuance.

Community care is a critical part of self-care – so we need to keep asking, which communities are being left out of these discussions? How can we deepen and extend the conversations? How can we honour and acknowledge the self-care that is being practiced by poor, fat, neurodivergent, racialized, traumatized, and otherwise marginalized folks?

Image description: A stick figure stands. A thought bubble reads, in colourful text – social? emotional? physical? financial? mental? creative? trauma? spiritual? collaborative?
Below the thought bubble in various shades of green – What IS self-care? How can we practice self-care? How do we talk about self-care?

2. Something to comfort you (illustration of a stick figure surrounded by hearts, text reads “What do I need? It’s okay to be kind to myself.”)

3. Something to comfort someone else (illustration of two stick figures, one sitting and one standing. There is a blue heart-shaped flower growing between them, and green roots reaching down and tangling between them. Text reads “How can I help? We share roots. We can grow together.”)

Along the bottom of the illustration, text reads #stickfiguresunday www.tiffanysostar.com and a small Tiffany Sostar logo.

Today’s Stick Figure Sunday is all about comfort.

It’s a self-care invitation – an open door into exploring comfort from multiple angles.

Some discomfort is healthy, and helps us grow. There are times when it’s worth leaning into an uncomfortable feeling – trying something new, or trying something again; taking a risk; staying in a difficult conversation or standing up for ourselves; setting a boundary or asking someone about their boundaries; making a change or making a plan. There are all kinds of uncomfortable things that are a valuable part of self-care.

And just because being the right kind of uncomfortable is a good thing, doesn’t mean that being comfortable is a bad thing. So when you make the choice to do something that makes you uncomfortable in that good, growing, gracious way, also give yourself permission to do something that is comforting. Cuddle up with a movie and some popcorn, go for a long walk, talk with your bestie or with your notebook. Being kind to yourself, and giving yourself the experiences and the physical, emotional, mental, and social resources that nourish you is also a valuable part of self-care.

And, finally, comforting each other is also a valuable part of self-care because community care is self-care. When we help each other, we build each other up and we also develop our own sense of agency and self-efficacy – our sense that our actions can positively influence our lives and the world around us. By reminding ourselves that we can make a positive difference in the world, it can become easier to do more of the things that make a difference. It’s hard to keep going when we can’t see the point, when we don’t have hope and we don’t feel like our actions matter. Helping each other is one way to rebuild our sense of hope and resilience, and to help foster hope and resilience in the people we care about.

How will you get comfortable, comforting, and uncomfortable this week?