New year resolutions for those who messed up 2012

The Razzie Awards sent out a private eye to dig up the New Year resolutions of those who pretty much messed up 2012. He filched diary pages from his list of the worst, giving us the '2013 razzolutions'.

Don't predict any-thing!: The Mayans

We owned 2012. Not only did half the world buy into our prophecy about the world ending in December, Hollywood went crazy on film after film showing the earth being destroyed by the 'apocalypse' in every possible way (so much for originality, guys. We could make millions in royalty if we were still around). Nevertheless, we were famous! But with our age-old wisdom of abruptly-ending calendars, we understand fame is fickle, and we're also worried we've screwed up our karma a little bit. All those people who had unprotected sex on December 20, or quit their jobs and told their bosses they deserved to be buried alive, are either making internet memes about 'the worst apocalypse ever' or planning to do voodoo on us right now. So for 2013, we've resolved to not predict anything and freak the world out.

My resolution is.... wait, it's not to not make bad movies anymore. We're talking about New Year resolutions here, not Christmas miracles. I also won't stop bringing in a new nameless nubile actress, whom I like to call my 'muse', into the industry every year, because it's basically how you tell one year apart from the other in the RGV calender. It's to..... (suspense) govinda govinda govindaaaaa.... it's to stop taking pangas with Karan Johar, SRK and Amitabh Bachchan (seriously, why don't I ever pick on someone my own size?) on Twitter, because it's kind of like throwing rocks at Karan Johar's palatial Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham mansion (with helipads et al) from my glass house. Also, remember when I did that thing after 26/11 — walking around Taj with a 'Yay! New movie idea!' gleam in my eye? — Let's all just hope I won't be a jerk in 2013.

Be less of a, err, joker: Kunder

2012 was not a good year. Not only did I get slapped by Shah Rukh Khan, I also made just one film, and titled it wrong. Once the critics and audiences realised that I didn't really have a clue about what the hell I was doing in the film (and maybe this was when the protagonist decided to make up an alien visit to give his village some character), they didn't just rip my film apart, they used the title to make all sorts of jokes (and there's that word again!) about it. After a while, it became difficult for me to understand if they were talking about the film or the director when they used the word 'Joker'. So, my resolution in 2013 is to spend a little less time tweeting and a little more time thinking of spoof-proof names for my films (if I make any).

Think harder before I talk: Sheila Dikshit

As you may have read in recent newspaper reports, "I hate the 'rape capital' tag," (you know, like Kareena hates the 'item girl' tag?). So, next year, my resolution is to make Delhi safer for women, including (sigh!) the silly adventurous ones out at 9.30pm in skirts. How? By making sure the buck stops at Motilal Nehru Marg, which, as you may all know (because I have been screaming it till I went hoarse), it doesn't. This whole thing is the Union Home Minister's fault, you guys. It's not my job to protect Delhi's women... What's my job, you ask? It's to divide Delhi's wide roads into teeny-weeny BRT corridors, so that we all get stuck in five-hour traffic jams, I guess. But I'd like to assure all the protesters out there, I already cancelled the licence of the rapist bus driver, because that was the whole point, right? No? Okay, but I cried (so, take that Jaya Bachchan!). And I also said I'd take "the necessary steps to solve this issue". (PS: My second resolution is to not make vague statements like that one again.) (PPS: About the whole, "a family of five can survive on 600 rupees" remark, I may or may not have been talking about my pet rabbits.)

Be less of a big head: Dhoni

I will not tell fans that the grass is greener on the pitches on the other side of the globe, and spend more time talking to my players than talking about the curators. I will try to tell myself that if I am buying more superbikes than I am winning tests in a calendar year, it's not going to last too long. I will figure out that I need to get the scoreboard on my side too, not just the cricket board. I will do a reality check, remember that the football team all together can't buy one of my supercars, and then spend less time practising football before match starts, and more time on cricket. And, yes, I will pay one of my guys to promptly cut me off when I begin to drawl "the boys could have..." after the next test match we are clobbered in.

I'll shut up about women: Nirupam

Kyunki female politicians bhi kabhi thumkewaali thi... As hard as it is to respect women, I guess I'll have to in 2013 (sulk!). Even though it is weird seeing a woman out of the kitchen, I'll have to shut up and sit next to them in Parliament, as long as, you know, they don't break into thumkas or anything, because we all know women are weird like that. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I think item girls, or girls who don't cover up from head to toe, are not gross anymore. I'll just, like, not say it to their face. (PS - is estrogen contagious?? Also, can someone tell me where babies come from??)

Escape-route disclaimer

The slightest resemblance to any - any - person, living, dead, or nearly dead (brain or otherwise), is purely coincidental. And if some of you're still thinking this is about you, well, you're much too vain for your own good! (PS: Tee hee, where's your sense of humour? )