Many people think that Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance is one of the only OFFICIAL AD&D-Licensed Video Products on the NES, but many people are WRONG! In fact, I would go so far as to say that many people might as well have cast a FEEBLEMIND spell on themselves to believe such a thing! If many people were a Cleric, they certainly WOULDN'T get a 15% EXP bonus for having a WIS stat of 16+!

Because all but the most unwise should be aware of today's topic, from both Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Forgotten Realms™ collection, but also the NES's forgotten later-released library...

HILLSFAR

...and this is one "Action RPG" which doesn't skimp on the PLAYER STATS! Not only does this game give you all those three-letter abbreviations that we knew and loved in Heroes of the Lance (that would be, STR, DEX, INT, WIS, CON, CHA, ETC), but it even lets you create your own characters!

Without further ado, I've turned my imaginative juices loose on this Role Playing Experience (points!) Extravaganza, and will show you BOTH the fruits of my labors, and FCI/PONY CANYON's visual representation of the diverse and mighty characters I've dreamed up!

A quick note before we continue: You can safely ignore the "redhead wearing a brown shoulder-harness over blue pants and blue boots" picture that's above each character sheet. That's there BEFORE you start character creation, and doesn't represent your in-game avatar at all!

ABACUS, the Male Human Lawful Neutral Mage

ABACUS was born to a poor family of human dirt-farmers. They tried and tried to grow dirt, smashing expensive vegetables and fruit all over the ground, but the pitiless earth brought no dirt forth to reward their labors.

He first noticed his magical powers when he was picked on at Dirt Farming School -- accidentally engulfing both his antagonist and ABACUS's best friend Mimsy Pickets with an 18d6 fireball. Unfortunately for poor ABACUS, the bully made his saving throw and was fine, while Mimsy Pickets was reduced to -74 hitpoints, and pronounced "dead."

The accidental nature of his horrible crime did nothing to assuage ABACUS's guilt; broken-hearted, he turned to a life of a wandering mage, selling his services to the highest bidder. He is a bitter, nihilistic man, hollow in many ways -- he obeys the law, yet taking no joy in his many magical triumphs and riches.

Now let's see what he looks like in the game!

BAD DWARF, the Male Dwarf Chaotic Evil Fighter

Some dwarves become evil over the course of their lives -- from long thankless hours, toiling deep in the bowels (ha ha ha ha ha) of the earth, extracting gems and minerals of incalculable value, just to dump it all at the feet of some hedonistic belching king and his half-dozen mustached dwarven women.

Not BAD DWARF, though: he was just born that way. He girds himself with dirty black leather armor, brushes back his many spiked beard-ties, and swings his wicked double-handed ax at the heads of sinners and saints alike. Winner take all is his motto, and whatever will earn him the most goldpieces is his target*

*: Just like Mitt Romney!

Some say they have heard him howl at the moon, however, in the depths of the night -- that there is some great love that he mourns in the coldest and most solitary of evenings, alone with his pile of treasure and his endless draughts of mead. Others wonder why a Dwarf Fighter has virtually identical stats as a Human Mage, but they are told to "shut up," because "the dwarven fighter has one more point of CON and one less of CHA." Then there are still others who point out that CON and CHA are totally not key stats of Mages or Fighters.

However, BAD DWARF hears none of this, because he's off at PONY CANYON headquarters, posing for the graphic design team to draw his amazing in-game portrait:

DAHLING, the Female Elf Neutral Good Mage-Thief:

DAHLING's life story wouldn't seem out of place to ABACUS: a life of deprivation and fear, though in her case it was due to being an outsider, an outcast. As a foundling High Elf, she was taken to live with a pleasant but obtuse group of Wood Elves, which are elves who live in the woods and generally play around like a dagnabbed hippie commune.

While her adoptive parents were discovering new and more potent varieties of pipeweeds, DAHLING was filching the odd grimgore here and a spell component there (most of them from SEEYANTRAYLS, the village librarian/herbalist and the nearest thing there was to a wizard).

Within DAHLING are two opposing forces, fighting for dominance: on the one side, she hates her thieving habits and wishes to live through pure conjuring and study of the higher elemental planes. On the other side, her quick mind and nimble fingers makes the property of others a tempting target, and all-too-often, she wakes in a foreign inn, her room and immense bar-tab financed by her ill-gotten gains from the night before.

Perhaps in the land of HILLSFAR, she can learn to reconcile her dueling ambitions, and soothe her sundered soul? Also, what the shit, dude -- her STR, INT and WIS are friggin identical to BOTH the Human Mage and the DWARF FIGHTER.

Anyway, here's how to draw DAHLING the elven thief/mage:

Indeed, so mote it be!

Now I'm totally outtie before I have to suffer the indignity of seeing a Halfling Cleric or Half-Orc Paladin who has the same stats as EVERY FRIGGIN OTHER CHARACTER IN THE GAME.