Friday, September 14, 2012

Reading Innuendos

Late last week… I stepped outside in the middle of the afternoon… craving a breather. A moment of fresh air. A reprieve from indoor air and the windowless spot I occupy. The air outside was cool… the breeze was warm… the thick layer of clouds kept the sun a world away – and the smell of grass and dirt, spring flowers and serenity simply filled the air. Home….....

I have felt it before – but I really felt it then – this is home. I do love ....New York..... And there will always be a place in my heart for it. The smell of the salty sea air as a blizzard begins to rage… my personal joy of shoveling a snow covered drive way… But – it’s not home anymore. And I felt that stronger than ever last week – as I walked outside, and smiled at the warmth in the air. ....

I have one hour to sit here and unload everything I want to expunge from myself. It may not do… I may get distracted… but I want to try. I need to try. I have no time to write these days and it is something I crave.

This weekend I found myself on a long drive… and long drives can be very good for my soul it seems. Last summer I had plenty of chances to let my mind race and work through all the issues that plague me, as I drove – from ..New York.. to ..Texas..… then ..Texas.. to ..Alabama.., then back to ....Texas....… then… BACK to ....Alabama..... This weekend, as I drove 3 hours to see a cherished, dear old friend, and a wonderful new one – I found myself wandering into that “drive and think” mode once more. As my children sang the hymns of High School Musical, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana (whatever her name is this week…) from the back seat… I was able to just – think.

Sometimes – that is a good thing.

Taking stock of where I have been… the frustrations, anger, sorrows, and the happy moments. And where I am going… the happiness and anticipation – coupled with of course – some natural fear of the unknown….

All those eggshells I used to walk on… live on… embraced with such passion – have been swept away. And sometimes I just do not know what to do with that freedom. It is easy – to live in that old abandoned pattern. I cannot even count the number of times I have heard “Baby, you are just too used to having to explain every little detail….” I look back and I see why things were the way they were… and I know I will never find myself there again… it is just amazing that I still behave as if I am living that life… old patterns are hard to break…

It was like a vice. And it is all too easy to trade one vice for another… Nothing of course, as obvious as a glass of whiskey hidden in a bottom bedroom drawer… But we all have our vices. Whether we admit them or not. And most of us will fight tooth and nail to protect them…

So… where am I going with this? I haven’t a clue. That is why I write. My mind started spinning… and I had to make it stop. ....

When you reach a point of comfort in your life… do you stay? Or do you force yourself to find a better level of happiness? Happiness is a choice you make – correct? What if you can be happy, yet, crave more? Not a lot more… just – a little. Is it a boat you risk over turning? Do you wait – and see if the current carries you where you desire to be anyway?