Great lines about the groom

In every best man’s speech, the groom always comes under fire ‐‐ here’s some ammo…

‘Rob is hardly what you might call a romantic. I asked him what his first meeting with Teri was like. He said it was like something out of Brief Encounter. I had visions of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson but Rob told me he bumped into her at the underwear counter in Marks and Spencer’s.’

‘I remember, just after Tony and Annabel got together, that I asked this self‐styled New Man what his perfect night in is, now that he’s met the girl of his dreams. Without hesitation he said: “Good bottle of white wine, Sleepless in Seattle, an aromatherapy bath and then an early night.” I was taken aback. Then he added: “And I’d probably invite Annabel along too…”’

‘It’s fair to say that Dan likes to have a drink once in a while. And he doesn’t mind where. In fact, his local is so rough even the arms on the chairs have tattoos. We were playing the trivia machine the other day and the first question was: “What are you looking at, you porky‐faced loser?”’

‘Josh and I were in the cub scouts together. He was my sixer and I was his seconder and together we ran one of the tightest units in the history of Baden‐Powell’s movement. I hope you still remember some of the things we were taught all those years ago, mate. With your wedding night coming up, I hope you’ve given your woggle a polish and that you’ve come prepared…’

‘Just one more email for Justin that I quickly picked up from your Inbox this morning. I haven’t had a chance to read it yet. It goes: “Dear Justin, I’m sorry to hear that the cream does not appear to be working. Are you sure you’re rubbing it in hard enough? Nothing will happen unless you can generate plenty of heat with the friction. If you still have no luck, come and see me. Yours faithfully, George Patterson, French polishers and furniture restorers.” Oh, I see… I thought it was something to do with… Thank God for that.’

‘To end on a slightly more serious note. For those of you who don’t know, Rob has Grade One tap dancing (with distinction) and has offered to give us all a demonstration of his tap skills in the bar afterwards. I thank you!’

‘We all know Tony likes a drink… or six. He told me, though, that he was going to cut down, now that he and Susie have got together permanently. In fact, on the morning after the stag do I caught Tony mumbling: “I’m never touching another drop, EVER again,” while slumped over the lav.’

‘Knowing Rob’s Dad as well as I do, I thought he’d be a great person to go to for some advice about the speech. I thought he would have some great anecdotes to tell me, and that he could give me some great pointers about style and tone. So I rang him up for his advice and he said: “Make the speech just like Rob.” I looked at him quizzically and he added: “Short, punchy and simple.”’

‘I think it’s fair to say that Pete wasn’t the best‐looking baby on hi sentry into the world. For one thing, he was the only infant in the whole of Cardiff who was fed by catapult…’

‘James was the tallest lad in his primary school. He was 17 years old by the time he passed the entrance exam to secondary school…’

‘Dave wasn’t the brightest lad at school. I remember, the teacher asked him to look up “camouflage” in the dictionary. He said he couldn’t find it. So the teacher asked him to look up “laziness” but he said he couldn’t be bothered…’

‘Terry has never been much of a cook. He used to think poached eggs were stolen property. The last time he made a boil‐in‐the‐bag curry he ruined a perfectly good hold‐all.’

‘Never one for social etiquette, Neil is the only man I know who orders steak tartar… WELL DONE! He was in a restaurant the other day and sent his crème brulee back because it was burnt. As he said to me only the other week, he’s putting the “K” back into culture.’

‘I wouldn’t say that Richard is obsessed with fast cars, but he did tell me that he’d brought a brand new pair of driving gloves for the honeymoon. I hadn’t realised myself that Rich was so keen on cars until I started talking to him about Annette. Everything he said about her had a driving theme. He said she was racy, made his engine rev… and drove him round the bend.’

‘I wouldn’t say that Mike is obsessed with playing golf, but he did confide in me that he’d bought a new “Big Bertha” for the honeymoon. For those of you not in the know, that’s a rather expensive golf club…’

‘I wouldn’t say that Ben is obsessed with cricket but he did tell me that he was taking his pads and helmet on the honeymoon to the West Indies. Now, that might sound a little risqué but, believe me, Ben is taking them just in case he gets a game. In all seriousness, though, Ben said to me the other day that he can’t imagine ever making a better catch than the lovely Sally, even if he lived to play cricket until he was 100.’

‘I wouldn’t say that Chris is obsessed with fishing but he did tell me that he’d bought a new tackle box for the honeymoon. But when I spoke to him about marrying Linda, he said to me in all his years of fishing ‐‐ and in all the years to come ‐‐ he doesn’t think he’s going to make as good a catch as landing Linda. She really is an Angelfish, don’t you agree?’

‘I wouldn’t say that Mike is obsessed with rugby but he did tell me that he’d bought a new scrum cap for the honeymoon… just in case… there’s a game on in Sardinia, where they’re staying. ’

‘When Tim and I were playing golf a few months ago, he turned to me on the fifth tee and said solemnly: “Jamie, you’re my best man. I need some advice for the honeymoon.” Now, by this point, I had read every book under the sun about the best man’s duties. But in none of them was there the slightest mention of having to give the groom advice about the honeymoon. Without being able to look him in the eye I said: “Listen, old man. I think the best thing to do is keep it simple and make sure you have plenty of rest when you can.” He turned to me and said: “Actually I was going to ask you whether we should go on safari or have a beach holiday.”

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