Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Something weird happens every time I go to New Jersey. Past experiences have involved ferrets, whip cream, bongos and cigars (all from separate outings). This time, it involved ham.

Jersey apparently has its own indigenous type of ham called Taylor Ham. I had never heard of this celebrated pork product (or of the concept of a state having an indigenous ham) until I got into John F. O'Donnell's car today to head over to Jersey to do a show we were both booked at. Vince Averill came with us, but he wasn't performing. It turned out that Vince was there only to try this supposedly delectable meat for his first time, and that the comedy show was really just a cover for a Ham Road Trip! Apparently Taylor Ham is a point of pride for a lot of Jersians. John even went so far as to say that it's better than bacon!

It's not.

I mean, it was pretty good. I had it in what I was told is the traditional fashion (on a roll with egg and cheese), and it was quite tasty, but it sure as hell doesn't beat bacon! Maybe that's why people in states that aren't called New Jersey have heard of bacon!

The Jersey-ites I was with said that this wasn't the most flavorful Taylor Ham they'd had, so maybe I had a bad batch (my farts certainly smell like I did). Maybe I'll give it another shot some time. At any rate, when doing standup tonight I found out the hard way that you DO NOT diss this meat in New Jersey. It's just not done. Also, there was a dog wandering around during the show, and another dog in a back room somewhere barking during people's sets. I think I was the only comedian it never barked at. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Okay, these fake "hottie" accounts on MySpace are really starting to enrage my billy goat, or whatever. This morning I had like 20 new messages and 55 new friend requests, and they were all from these stupid accounts with generic "hawt" pictures with links on their pages to webcams or nudes or timeshares. They're pretty much just spam accounts. I get the logic behind using half-naked women to plug porn and stuff like that, but timeshares? What? And how could I NOT get suspicious when approached by 55 hot women? Even if that happened in real life, I would still think something was up. I mean, I know I'm a veritable volcano of raw sexual magnetism, but 55 is a lot.

I do like what they're doing with the names for these fake accounts though. They used to just have names that sound like porn star names, like "Cassidy," but now they're doing stuff like "Hunny Bunnzz." Kudos to that, at least.

I was just laying in bed a moment ago and looking out the window when I realized something: the walls of New York City apartment buildings are pretty thick! That made me feel pretty bad for Spider-Man! He's always getting thrown through them! When you see him go through one, it looks pretty painless and the wall crumbles pretty easily, but it probably actually hurts a lot; those things are at least a foot or two deep! I understand what you're going through a little better now, Spider-Man.

I've also been appreciating Catwoman more this week because I've had two cats at my house the last few days and they're driving me CRAZY! They're always fighting and drinking water! She had like 800 cats and she still kept her cool! She got along with them great! They licked her wounds for her and then she made a sexy cat-shaped leather costume in tribute to them!

I also appreciate Wolverine, but just because he has those really bad-ass claws. I don't really empathize with him at all or feel that we have anything in common, except for our short stature and the fact that we've both been smooched by Famke Janssen. Actually, I also can heal quickly and don't know my real age, and would totally wear my hair like that if I could, so maybe we could be bros.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Well, I just woke up shivering and coughing and puking. It appears that I've caught that cold/fever/flu thing that's going around.

Now, I know that there's a lot of shit in the air around this time of year, and I am aware that my immune system is probably a little weak right now after all the partying I've been doing lately, but I think something else is going on here. Let me break it down for you:

1. The symptoms I'm displaying are very similar, if not identical, to those that Shandi and Aimee recently exihibited when they were sick.

2. I've seen both of them a couple of times in the past week, while they were sick, so I probably got it from one of them.

3. Both Shandi and Aimee have worked with VH1 recently (Aimee works there and Shandi shot something with them the other night).

4. VH1 is the sister channel of MTV.

5. MTV not only has a sketch comedy show of its own coming out soon but is also a ruthless adversary that will stop at nothing to crush other music channels. Channels like FUSE.

I think you all see where I'm going with this.

You may have won this battle, MTV, but you won't win the war. Someone will take my place.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

For those of you who aren't "down," Mims is the hot new rapper from Brooklyn who has a hit single called "This Is Why I'm Hot."

It's terrible.

I love it.

Really, this song is BAD. And I can't stop listening to it. I don't like, nod my head or groove to it or think it's amazing though. I laugh. I laugh at it the same way that I laugh at a Steven Seagal movie. It's so wonderfully silly! He doesn't just sample songs, he samples OTHER RAP SONGS! And then he says stuff like "This is why I'm hot, I don't gotta rap, I could sell a mil(lion) sayin' nothin' on the track." He's ridiculous! It's not that different from seeing a dumpy guy with a weird pony tail and a silk shirt break arms! I mean, rap music has been turning into more and more of a cartoon of itself lately, but this guy has taken it to a whole new level!

Also, his name stands for "Music Is My Savior."

Hilarious.

Trevor and I have decided to adopt similar rap names. He's Ribs (Reading Is Bullshit) and I'm Cum (Chicks Understand Me). Together we're Ribs And Cum, which is just a gross, gross pairing of words.

So as you may know, the Whitest Kids U' Know's TV show premiered on Fuse tonight. Last night we had two parties to celebrate. The first one was at Comix and was pretty corporate, with a lot of the Fuse people and crew from the show in attendance. I was like the only dude there without a collared shirt on. Sam was dressed to the nines. It was nice, we showed the first episode and ate vegetables, etc.

Then we threw an all-out drunkfest at Pianos. We showed a bunch of our stuff, some of it to music (it didn't sync up but I really wanted it to), and then I went upstairs at karaoke and stripped to my underpants while singing "Simply Irresistible," and people shoved dollars in my pants. When I got home at like 4 A.M. and went to the bathroom, money fell into the toilet. I at first thought that I had somehow attained some kind of amazing new power, but right when I was starting to jot down ideas for my "Money-Pee-er" costume, I remembered what had happened.

Then tonight we all went to Sam's to watch the show and we drank a bottle of Dom Perignon that I had sitting in my fridge forever. Even though I've seen the sketches hundreds of times it was still cool seeing it actually on TV with commercials and everything. They even ran commercials for the Ninja Turtles movie during it, which for me was a great personal victory (I've always wanted my life to somehow intersect with Master Splinter's, and now that goal has been accomplished). Then they ran the second episode, which was also cool to see as it contained several of my favorite things in the whole series.

After that, we turned to the Carson Daly show to see our friends VietNam play an awesome song from their awesome album. Ivan from the band has been close friends with the Whitest Kids forever, and I remember he and I having a conversation years ago about us "taking over this city," so it was cool that we had our TV debuts on the same night.

I am soooo tired and don't know what else to write. It still hasn't really sunk in that I just appeared on TV for an hour and that six years of hard work and poverty and 40s have finally paid off, so I'm just gonna go to bed and see if it sinks in tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for your support and friendship and general awesomeness! You all get rides in my helicopter (I'm gonna buy one in 2009)!

DENNIS!Hike up your skirtWe need all of your candy. Right nowI run my fingers through my hair all the timeEat saltDENNIS!Nutrition is your toy nowPink folliclesTry not to look too gayI would appreciate itif you stoptaking my name off the mailbox.0 or 10, never the middle.DENNIS!

The first lady was 101 years old. And then this dude decides "Nah, three digits isn't enough. I gotta try and break the bicentennial mark!" So he goes across the street to another apartment and robs an 85-year-old in a walker! And in both cases, he punched the old lady in the face!

Some guy punched two old ladies in the face!

Is this what we're coming to? Really? This happened in New York, where there's plenty of young women to mug who probably have more money than these women. Rob the young! Leave these elderly women alone! They probably have lots and lots of cookies they want to bake for their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and you took all of their cookie-baking money, you bastard!

I've asked this before, but, please, if anyone out there has access to the Big Red Button, just push it now.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Hey everybody, how y'all doin'? I have diarrhea! Anyways, this evening Shandi sent me a sweet DEVO video from YouTube, and in searching there for more Devo stuff I found this collection of 80s amazingness. Be sure to watch the Lou Reed one, it's insane! Enjoy!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Man, me and Johnny's first "Kingdom of Heaven" show last night was awesome! We had a pretty good-sized audience given that it was the first night of our Wednesday-night comedy show in Queens on a cold winter night. The management was so pleased with the show, they bought everyone in the room a beer afterwards! Awesome! Highlights included:

- The fact that we had 10 people perform and they all were well-received by the audience (half of which was those same 10 people).

- First-time stand-ups Sam Brown and Justin Sevakis were really good. Sam had the best opening joke. I'm totally gonna Dane Cook the shit out of it. Justin also had really funny jokes and had never really performed anything at all anywhere before, so good job! I eventually want the "open mic" portion of the show to ONLY be people who don't perform comedy in any other capacity, so we'll see how that works out...

- I tackled host John F. O'Donnell when he brought me up for my set. After I was done he went on stage and referred to me as "the hipster Gallagher." I can't believe he thinks I'm a hipster.

- In my set I told this story about my grandfather taking me fishing and at the end of it I mentioned that I didn't really have a good ending for it. After I was done, some dude suggested to me that I end the story with my grandfather blowing me. Good idea, dude! I'm sure my DEAD GRANDFATHER would love that joke!

- Three of the five Whitest Kids U' Know can now be considered "stand up comics," so when drugs and women tear the group apart, at least Sam and Trevor and I will be okay.

- Trevor sang a song about pterodactyls. Be still my heart.

- I heard that the bar eventually plans to sandwich our comedy night in between "Arrested Development" screenings before our show and KARAOKE afterwards. Luckily, they already have a couch for me to sleep on.

Monday, March 05, 2007

So, I heard the Whitest Kids' billboard was taken down. If anyone finds it, please let me know. You'll recognize it as my billboard by the really huge picture of me on it.

I found a little pile of mouse poop next to my oven. I'll get traps tomorrow. I want to give Spaceship a night to try and prove she's still got it. If there's a lump under the kitchen floormat in the morning then I'll know she's earned her keep.

Shaquille O'Neal's autobiography continues its grip on me. Last night we read some passages from it at the Whitest Kids show and it was pretty well received, so I'm glad to see that we're all on the same page (the page containing descriptions of his "ninja philosophy"). I'm also going to be reading NEWLY DISCOVERED passages from it on Wednesday at this thing:

Sunday, March 04, 2007

The Whitest Kids U' Know are having a FREE show tonight at Pianos! Two of our members are missing so we asked awesome dude Brett Gelman (Cracked Out, Brighter Side) to be a Whitest Kid for a day! Come on down and check out the show, and then afterwards we can all go looking for the other two guys!

And then on Wednesday, come see Mr. O'Donnell and I host our inaugural edition of "The Kingdom of Heaven Open Mic Comedy Superhour" in Long Island City!

It's open mic, so come try out stand-up for the first time, or try out something new if you've already done it before!

Wednesday, March 7th and Wednesday, March 21st.

TEN Open-mic comedians. Two real ones, and Timmy Williams! All for the price of FREE!

Sign Up is at 7:15, show start at 8!

And it's at The Creek And The Cave (10-93 Jackson Avenueon Jackson and 49th), a delightful bar right off the 21st St/Van Alst stop on the G and the Vernon/Jackson stop on the 7 or the 23rd/Ely stop on the E/V, the first stop in Queens on these trains. It's in Long Island City, which is a cool place, and you can see Williamsburg from there! Come on down!