Divorce is an event, a lifestyle, a “thing,” a freak occurrence, and/or a game-changer. No one is exactly sure what divorce is, but there is one thing we do know: It affects families in unique, very personal ways. But the divorce rate stays its course at a cool 50%, and affects more children as the population rises.

One filmmaker decided it was high time the children affected by divorce had complete control of the floor. Ellen Bruno, a San Francisco filmmaker and former international relief worker, raised money on Kickstarter to fund her latest documentary, “Split”. The documentary is scheduled to be released on June 8th later this year, with the SPLIT website already collecting orders for the DVD.

Kids Run the Show

The SPLIT website displays a startling statistic: “Almost half the children in the U.S. will experience their parent’s separation before the age of 16 — more than any other county in the western world.” This little known fact is possibly what caused Bruno to create a documentary about divorce and include interviews only from children.

The opinions, stories, information, and advice in “Split” comes from children between the ages of 6 years old and 12 years old. In an interview conducted by Vicki Larson, Bruno divulged that she originally scheduled filmed interviews with 18 children. But through the course of several the interviews, Bruno said “it was clear within minutes that it would not be helpful to them to have this conversation, so we stopped.”

And so Bruno’s documentary became the musings and outlet of 12 children between the ages of 6 and 12 who had gone through a divorce.

No Minor Status, No Service

Most (if not all) documentaries include footage of a professional to provide viewers a credible source to learn from. But “Split” is one documentary that is completely “professional” free.

“Kids are wise and intuitive, and when given the space to share their experiences, they speak truth that is clear and profound,” says Bruno. “And kids listen to other kids, often far more attentively than they listen to adults.”

This is a novel, yet completely understandable stance to take when creating a documentary about how divorce affects children. The children who have gone through a divorce may not be certified, and may not have a diploma hanging on the wall of an office, but they certainly are experts of their own familial situation.

In watching the sneak peek videos, there is no need for the camera to swivel to a therapist, sitting behind a desk, explaining what the child means when she says, “It’s like something that you really love, like, breaks, and you can’t put it back together, kind of.”

Survivors

But “Split” is not about doom, gloom, and the end of the world. On the contrary, “Split” is about children showing other children that life can, and does, get better. Bruno wanted this documentary, which is by, from, and for children, to balance the children’s realities with their expectations. Essentially, she wanted the documentary to commiserate and unite the children of divorce while simultaneously showing them the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bruno’s other motivation behind creating this documentary was to provide parents, therapists, and others a raw look at how children process divorce. Certainly, it’s a strange and looming topic for children so small, but it’s not insurmountable.

When life-changing events occur, there is a list of usual suspects who always have advice to spare, and spare said advice they do. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, best friends, grandparents, coworkers; it’s almost as though there isn’t a single person you know who doesn’t have some advice they must share with you. But in the realm of divorce advice, if you listen to anything, listen and learn from these 4 divorce mistakes.

1) Only think about the immediate future. In the throes of a divorce, it’s easy to be distracted by thoughts of the here and now. Things like where you’re going live, how you’re going to pay bills, buy groceries, and survive are heavy in your mind, and that’s understandable.

However, when dividing the assets and property don’t forget about how things are going to weigh on you in the future. After divorce is finalized, there are going to be taxes to be paid, maintenance to be done, and the unforeseeable future to deal with. So when mulling over which assets to retain, think about how much that brand-spanking new car is going to be worth, say, 10 years from now. (Hint: Cars depreciate in value)

2) Don’t study up on marital finances. It’s fairly common in a marriage for one spouse to become the keeper of the finances. But when divorce comes barging in, that dynamic crashes to a halt. Many a wife or husband have been shortchanged in the divorce process because they didn’t know what to ask for.

So word to the wise: Instead of spending all your time trying to figure out what happened, start using some of that time to track down where every single penny of the marital money and assets went. It’ll be hard work, and it’ll take lots of willpower, but you’ll rest easier knowing you won’t get fooled.

3) Lose sight of the big picture. From the moment someone says, “I want a divorce,” life is never the same for either spouse. Due to this stressful time, it’s easy to lose sight of what is really important in life.

We suggest taking a moment early in the process to sit down by yourself and calmly think about what you need to survive on your own after this divorce. During this time, create a list of the things you absolutely will need, and the main things you want out of the divorce. Your list can include anything from “peace of mind,” to “a parenting plan that works for my children and me,” to something as simple as “the house.” Keep this list and during the divorce process refer back to it to make sure you’re making decisions that will get you where you want to go.

4) Let emotions take over. As any good attorney will tell you, divorce should be treated as a business transaction instead of a personal matter. It’s certainly possible to use divorce as punishment for your ex, but for your sake and (if you have any) your children’s sake, don’t do it.

If your emotions are behind hiring combative lawyers, and hiding assets, then it’s time to revisit divorce mistake #3. To avoid falling prey to your emotions, pursue relaxing, expressive activities, like journaling, hiking, going out with friends, or even seeing a therapist.

If there is one thing divorce is good at doing, it’s knocking people down a peg, or 10. After a divorce, you are probably feeling a few of these common symptoms: Unloved, discarded, broken, over-stressed, and emotionally and financially drained. True, you may be feeling or experiencing these symptoms of divorce now, but know this too will pass.

After the divorce, and near the tail-end of the mourning period, you will feel life seeping back into you, and maybe even smile twice a week. This is the perfect time to take a little post-divorce trip.

A Post-Divorce Trip. Is That a Thing?

Post-divorce trips are gaining in popularity, but aren’t quite established life events yet; there is no manual on post-divorce trip etiquette, or a “Congrats on your post-divorce trip!” Hallmark section. However, there is a philosophy behind the post divorce trip.

The post-divorce philosophy is that life is too short to not enjoy it. After a divorce, people usually have one of two responses: 1) They feel drained, lifeless, and like life is nothing but a mess; 2) They feel empowered to live life how they want to. A post-divorce trip works to make the divorce a part of the past and to offer people a new perspective.

Post-Divorce Tripping on a Budget

If you’re reading this blog and thinking, “Yeah, go on a post-divorce trip, with what money?” then we invite you to think outside of the box. Some trips can come with a hefty price tag, but there are ways around that.

We found a great article with fantastic ideas about traveling on the cheap, if not completely free. You may not end up in four-star hotels with vaulted ceilings and canopy beds, but your experience will be just as real and rejuvenating.

Tips to Post-Divorce Tripping

The whole idea of post-divorce trips is to rejuvenate yourself and your life. So here are a few tips to prevent anything from zapping your rejuvenation and life-affirming experiences.

Tip #1: Go somewhere new. On this trip of rediscovery and wonder, choose a destination that is completely new to you. By submerging yourself in a completely new environment, it will give you the chance to make memories that are untouched by the divorce or the daily stresses. Also, by going somewhere without connections to anything or anyone, you will be able to put the focus where it needs to be right now: you and your happiness.

Tip #2: Don’t pack unnecessary baggage. During the trip resist the urge to contact your spouse. In fact, leave the world behind. Limit your phone calls, texts, instant messages, social media updates while on your trip; at home, those are welcome distractions, but while on your post-divorce trip they are just intrusions.

Tip #3: Choose your company wisely. If the prospect of traveling alone seems frightening, but intriguing, then it might be in your best interest to take the leap and learn to be your own best company. If the prospect of traveling alone seems downright terrifying, then there is no harm in recruiting a travel buddy; but, the travel buddy must have certain qualities.

When I was a young teenage girl, a nice older lady who was working at a grocery store got into a brief conversation with me about college education. She said, “Make sure you get a college degree to put in your back-pocket, in case you end up having to fully support yourself.” I didn’t find out the details of her life, but it’s probable that she was warning me to protect myself against a situation in which she had found herself entangled.

Rewind to about 50 years ago. The reality was most women didn’t think too much of careers or earning a living because that was, and perhaps still is in certain people’s view, the sole responsibility of their husbands. But as time went on from that point, divorce went on the rise. So has the rate of women receiving college degrees and entering the workforce.

Frequently for women, filing for divorce means more changes in lifestyle than separating from a lover– it means taking charge of their financial lives and becoming independent. These ladies are in good company, since the trend of women in the workforce is on the rise globally, divorced or not.

Bringing Home the Bacon

The cost of living is an expensive feat (an understatement for those residing in places like California or New York City). Those going through the divorce process would also agree, which is why it’s not only important to find ways to lower the cost of divorce, but also make sure you are able to support yourself as a newly single person with one lonely income.

Financial independence is increasingly important for women, who are still in the process of obtaining equal status and pay within the male-dominated work environment. They are making significant strides, as of late, and are predicted to do so even more in the near future. Not only are 4 in 10 global workers female, an expected 1 billion more will become paid workers within the next ten years.

Educational feats provide similar and even more impressive statistics that show the increasing presence and potential for women in the economy. Outshining men within the developed world, 6 out of 10 college diplomas are earned by women. It seems the encouragement of the grocery store lady and others like her has worked.

Why Female Breadwinners Are Necessary

The continually high rate of divorce in the last of half of the 20th, and the beginning of the 21st century means women who are left single, and many times with children, are no longer dependent on men for their own sustenance. On top of this fact, it appears rare in the current economy to see even a marriage-intact household fruitfully surviving on only one income. Women are stepping up to the plate, not only for themselves but for the sake of economic progress within the American home and worldwide.

Divorce might as well be a synonym of the word “change,” because life is the never the same after divorce enters the picture. Conversations with your spouse aren’t the same after divorce is discussed, family outings don’t have the same cheery feel, and the wedding ring on your finger feels just a little too cold. But those feelings are nothing compared to the changes your family will have to face in the months and years to come.

One of the biggest changes for children is the new living arrangement. Undoubtedly, someone is moving out of the family home, which is stressful for children. But when the entire family is moving out of the family home, and moving to different places, the children are left reeling.

Walk in Their Size 4′s

A study published by the University of Virginia looked into the relationship between the frequency at which a person moved during childhood and the person’s life satisfaction as an adult. In 1994, the researchers interviewed 7,108 Americans between the ages 20 and 75 years-old about their childhood moves,personality types, and life satisfaction.

The researchers found people who moved less during childhood reported having more extroverted personalities and a higher satisfaction in life. People who moved more during childhood reported being more introverted and feeling less satisfaction in life.

But let’s take a little reality check: This study did not observe the children during childhood moves, and only asked participants to vaguely describe their life satisfaction. Additionally, there is no reported information about the participant’s upbringing or other childhood experiences.

Now Guide Their Size 4′s

Here’s the point we want to make: Divorce and the task of moving can be disastrous for a child, but don’t despair that you child will become a delinquent just because the family is moving. Just like everything else in life, there are good ways to handle a situation and not so productive or positive ways to handle a situation.

Many a parent is probably throwing their arms up in indignation, yelling “What else am I doing wrong now?!” Just bear with us, we are not trying to tell you that moving will cause your child irreparable damage. We are just saying it might be prudent to check in with your child about their feelings about moving; and by “might be” we mean “it is.”

Make Their Moving Frown Upside-Down

Here are a few tips to make moving less of a traumatic incident and more of an exciting event.

#1: Keep the communication lines free and clear. Communication is the most important element in a healthy relationship, and it is the best way to make sure your child have everything they need to be happy and healthy. Take time out of each day to talk to your child about their take on moving. Let them speak freely about the anger, fear, excitement, or anxiety they feel, and try to leave your stress out of this moment.

Moving for divorcing parents is more of a necessity, and maybe even a welcome change. Just recognize moving does not mean the same things to your child, and let them be able to confide that in you without scolding or pressure to change their feelings.

#2: Inclusion is better than dictation. The family dynamic has changed, and now the physical family make-up is changing. For your, child this is an apocalypse; so seize the moment to create a new and improved family dynamic and make-up.

If the family used to be run just by mom and pop, then make this the the beginning of the era of inclusion. Let the kids have a say in where they live, how their room looks, and how to decorate the new house. It will reassure them the family is still theirs to be a part of.

#3: Give them closure. The physical act of moving is as simple as putting things in boxes and trucks, and transporting them to the new house. But moving involves memories, sentimentality, and the disruption of normalcy. For your children, they are leaving everything they know in the world for a foreign land.

To make the move more conclusive, we suggest these 2 things: 1) Wait to move until the end of the school year. Not only would the mid-year move affect their grades, but getting to know a new neighborhood, teacher, friends, and life style would be too much to handle at once. 2) Have a little farewell party or tour. Take you child to visit their old favorite places and friends. This will give the child a positive end to the move, and maybe even excite them for the new places and people they’ll love.

A Huffington Post blogger recently brought up an interesting topic: vows. You took them when you married, so why not make some when you divorce? After all, divorce is definitely as significant an event as marriage, if not more.

Divorce could be considered even more significant than marriage because it is emotionally, financially, and physically wrenching. Marriage is a big change, but the joining of lives is not only a happier event, but it is less complicated than separating lives.

Happily Never After Vows

So, again, we ask, “Why not make divorce vows?” Divorce vows can help embrace this particular life change by actually creating a blueprint for your healing process, and it might even inject a little humor into the mix.

Although divorce vows might be a modern practice, at least it isn’t a public affair like the even more modern divorce party. Divorce vows can, and probably should, be done privately, with the focus of the exercise on yourself, healing, and your future.

Written From the Heart

If you’re at a loss for where to begin writing your divorce vows, take a look at the blogger’s divorce vows. She makes vows to her ex and to herself, and although she admits her vows would be different had she written them a year ago, try to make your vows free of malice and spite.

But if the divorce process is still hot, then go ahead and let your vows convey your anger and pain. View your divorce vows as goals to recovery. Currently, you are sick with pain and anger, the goal is to be healthy and balanced again.

Bringing Out the Inner Poet/Guru

As always, we have a few pointers, and we are more than eager to share them with you.

It’s all about ambiance. Don’t let writing your divorce vows be a rushed, last second event; after all, the only time frame involved is your own. Plan the day/night you are going to do the deed and prepare for it. Set the tone for the night according to your goal. If the divorce is fresh, your goal might be to work through your feelings, so the night might involve loud music that really fires you up and a (as in one!) strong drink. If you are ready to focus on healing and moving on, the night might be one of luxury, filled with your favorite meal and more inspirational music. Make your divorce vows just as special as the ones you made to your now-ex, you deserve it.

Keep your vows fresh in your mind. The whole point of a vow is to follow through on the promise you made. It’s easy to write something one night, put the paper away, and never think about what you wrote ever again. Don’t let your vows be empty words; post your vows somewhere in the house where you can gaze upon the words every day. If it helps, have the vows reproduced into a piece of art so they are something to actually behold; fancy letterhead, a painting, or even on your daily coffee mug are good options.

Don’t forget to renew your vows. Although you might be happy with your vows, and the way they look, don’t forget their purpose. The divorce vows are goals to meet, hurdles and obstacles to overcome. So every 6 months revise or rewrite your vows to be current and fitting with your evolving life.

If you have recently had to click a pen to sign divorce papers, life can be summed up in a few choice words, like “suck,” or “not according to plan.” But after 6 months or so, life might be summed up in different words, like “ever-changing,” or “surprising.” The time after divorce is a break in life when people learn the most about themselves and what they want. Divorce can be a blessing if you take the opportunity to grow and learn.

Not that anyone really needs a reminder of how much divorce impacts children, but it does. A lot. Even if you and your spouse have done everything to make the divorce easier on your child, divorce will have an impact on them in some way for some time. Thankfully there are ways to make it less awful, namely something I like to call Fuzz Therapy (as coined by the immortal Calvin and Hobbes cartoon).

Rosalind Sedacca, a Huffington Post regular, recently published an article about the healing relationship animals and humans tend to have, and how that relationship can help children cope with divorce. As if we needed another reason to love animals.

More Reasons to Love Animals

Not that animals can replace parents or human interactions, but animals provide a strange emotional stability for humans, even (or especially?) for small humans. One of the most distressing things for a child during the divorce process is no longer sleeping in the house with both parents. When it was one family in one house, the home was an impenetrable fortress; now that it’s sort-of one family in two houses, the home(s) is(are) vulnerable to intruders and the elements.

In Sedacca’s article, she cited the following 6 benefits an animal provides to a grieving child: Unconditional love, a confidant, security, bridge to adults, stress reduction, and a best friend.

However, these 6 elements can actually be lumped into 3 more succinct elements.

3 Reasons to Bring in Animal Backup

#1: An animal provides unconditional love, which is an umbrella for the best friend and confidant elements of friendship. If you are skeptical of that statement, just observe a child and a person walking a dog interact on the street. The child is drawn to the dog and wants nothing more than to pet it and be bosom buddies; this is because the animals will always love, play, and pay attention to the child (it also helps that the dog can’t tattle on the child).

#2: Pets love routines, pet love seeing their owner come home everyday, and pets love to be pet for hours at a time. At the same time, this enthusiasm for routine and companionship is comforting and healing to people big and small. A pet, and the routine they inadvertently create, shapes the environment into a secure home. Petting an animal is also scientifically proven to reduce stress and anxiety (more on than later).

#3: We’re not exactly sure what “Bridge to adults” means, but here’s our best crack at it: Divorce wrenches the family structure, thus confusing and worrying the child about the future of their family. Introducing a pet into the family structure might act like glue, binding and bonding the family to something new, in spite of the divorce.

Fuzz Therapy, It’s a Real Thing

Animal therapy has been part of the medical practice for about 150 years, and can be attributed to Florence Nightingale‘s influence. However, in 1980, the medical community thought it was time to make it an official medical practice, with research to back it up.

Humans and animals make each other healthy and happy, as discussed in an NPR segment that aired on March 5, 2013. Heart attack patients who own a pet lived longer than those without a pet. Horse-riding lessons are helping an autistic 9-year-old boy further develop his speech, social, and listening skills. Many hospitals now have animal ambassador programs, like UCLA’s People-Animal Connection (PAC), which has been running since 1994.

The connection formed between animal and owner is healing, comforting, and inspiring. Also, interacting with an animal (like petting an animal) increases oxytocin (the hormone that makes people feel happy, relaxed, and trusting) and reduces stress.

We know owning a dog isn’t always feasible, but even for busy apartment-dwellers, you can always adopt a cat or buy a hamster. In case you were wondering, we’re on the child’s side when they beg, “Please, please, please can we get a pet?!” And we put up a good argument too.

The availability of the collaborative divorce process is gaining steam as more states sign it into law. A less adversarial form of divorce, collaborative divorce still allows the couple to make all separation agreements without sitting, or heatedly standing, in a courtroom.

Although uncontested divorce is the most ideal case in which spouses can settle things peacefully on their own, a collaborative agreement involving two lawyers keeps the situation out of any court drama that often ensues during contested cases. Thankfully, a new collaborative divorce law was just passed in Washington, solidly making available a more peaceful divorce experience for all involved.

Terminology Lesson

Just so we’re all on the same page, here are definitions of most kinds of divorce:

Uncontested Divorce: A divorce in which the couple agrees on all allocations of marital property, child custody, child support, and/or alimony. Uncontested divorce essentially eliminats the need for lawyers or a judge in court. An uncontested divorce usually gives a no-fault grounds for divorce.

Contested Divorce: The opposite of uncontested, contested divorce means the couple cannot make a settlement agreement on their own due to disputes. Lawyers and a judge are needed to make the settlement for them. The process is longer and more expensive.

Mediated Divorce: A divorce where the couple hires a mediator, who is usually a divorce attorney trained in mediation, to help them settle allocations agreeably.

Collaborative Divorce: Similar to mediated divorce, except the couple hires two lawyers, one for each spouse, to help them come to an agreement and draft the divorce settlement.

Good News for Washington

Despite its effectiveness, the collaborative divorce option is only enacted in a few U.S. states. One state that just made it available and signed it into law is Washington, to the joy of many supporters.

Called the Uniform Collaborative Law Act, it enables couples to utilize mental health professionals and child specialists as well as lawyers to make the out-of-court option run even smoother. Child therapist Kristin Little remarks, “You’re helping people to be good parents through the divorce, so you’re actually preventing a lot of the damage that can occur during the divorce.”

Indeed, going through divorce is especially hard on children, who tend to be caught in the eye of the storm. “I have been doing family law litigation 25 years and court is no place for families,” says Washington based lawyer, Cynthia First. When disputes need to be resolved themselves, leaving them out of the court’s hands means less hassle and more peace.

Amicable Splitting

The best way to settle any conflict or disagreement is through reasonable compromise and speedy resolution. That kind of attitude and problem-solving leads to feelings of goodwill for the ex-spouse and life after divorce. Even though spouses often have serious disagreements over what will happen to their life’s possessions during divorce, they can find a way to temper them independently through options like collaborative divorce. The collaborative divorce process frees up more time and resources for the divorcee to focus on other things, like moving on.

As we all know (or at least most of us know) America celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday, Sunday, May 13th. Let it just be said that it wouldn’t surprise me if all the staple items served at a brunch are a scarcity today. But lets move past the odd notion that mothers particularly love combining breakfast and lunch; what we really are here to talk about is what Mother’s Day is (and was) really about.

Where Mother’s Day Came From

No, Mother’s Day was not brought by a horde of storks. Although female goddess were always honored on certain days in the days of mummification and toga-wearing, Mother’s Day does not have such deep roots. In fact, Mother’s Day is one of the holidays with the most shallow roots.

Mothering Day is the oldest link to modern Mother’s Day. Mothering Day was a day in the late middle ages (1600′s) when people traveled from all over to attend service in the main church of their parish on the fourth day of Lent. Slowly, Mothering Day grew to include celebrations for real mothers, but Mother’s Day did not migrate to the U.S. until 1870.

Mother’s Day, American Style

Julia Ward Howe wrote a manifesto in 1870 proposing an American Mother’s Day, which would be a Mother’s Day of Peace. This was in response to the horrors and high death toll of the Civil War. Howe wished Mother’s Day would bring families together, and would unite mothers against their children killing other mother’s children.

After a few decades of women (namely, Anna Reeves Jarvis, and her daughter Anna M. Jarvis) sponsored what they hoped would be Mother’s Day revivals, it was passed as a National holiday by President Woodrow Wilson in 1914. From that day on, Mother’s Day has been the second Sunday of May every year.

A Happy Mother’s Day Means…

I’m not sure how ceremonies for goddess, main church pilgrimages, and anti-violence holidays transformed into a day when women get flowers and are taken to brunch, but we’ll take it (sort of).

For parents who are both mothers and fathers, Mother’s Day can be described as rubbing salt in an open wound for single mothers and fathers alike. So just as a suggestion, for all mothers really, let make Mother’s Day even better in the future.

For starters, why not try asking your mother what her idea of a dream day is? After all, it very well could include sipping on a mimosa and smelling her bouquet.

The dramatic event of filing for divorce is a manifestation of problems within the spousal relationship, which children are innocently caught in between. What’s even more emotionally troubling to contemplate is the common tendency for children, especially young ones, to somehow feel responsible for their parents’ separation. While that responsibility is always far from the case, they internalize the divorce and struggle to understand its complex reality.

What children need to always understand, no matter what is happening in any aspect of their life, is their unfaltering, complete innocence. Parents and other family members can help them remember this universal fact by paying attention, talking through the emotional difficulties, and showering their children with consistent support and reassurance.

Center of the World

What if you were able to read the diary of a small child going through their parents’ divorce? According to Stephanie Duckworth, licensed clinical manager at a behavioral health agency, it would sound something like this:

“If only I had been better, maybe they wouldn’t have broken up. Maybe, if I’m really good, they will stop fighting and get back together. Mom said she hates him, but I don’t. I really miss him, even if he does dumb stuff sometimes. What if one day Mom decides I do too many dumb things and doesn’t love me anymore? I feel so sad and my tummy hurts. I don’t tell Mom. I don’t want to make her more sad or mad or both. I don’t think she would understand. My family is broken. I feel broken.”

An important thing to remember about young children is the way they understand their place in the world. It’s hard for them to see that certain family problems have nothing to do with what they have or haven’t done, and they are in no way to blame. The world they can comprehend is small and they themselves are at the center of it, with parents in tightly intertwined proximity.

It’s evident from the excerpt that the vulnerability of young children creates a tendency to be confused and blame themselves. This affects their behavior in certain ways, like shutting down, becoming moody, and not talking about their feelings to their mom or dad, fearing that this would make things worse, and that they are the cause.

Effective Communication and Support

Talking about feelings is key. Even if the child prefers to speaking out to another trusted adult besides the parent, it is incredibly helpful. Like adults who keep things bottled in, children who do so run the risk of developing physical symptoms of the stress, such as head or tummy aches. Releasing emotions in mutual, simple discussion will help remedy this as well as their feelings of being to blame.

Without overwhelming them with too much information about the details of the divorce process, parents should work to state the facts and reassure their child of their unconditional love. It’s also important to avoid saying hurtful things about the other parent in front of the child; children love both their parents. In return, they need to know that they will always be loved, and reassurance of their innocence.