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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Lara Croft - Deepwater Vanishing - Simon McDonald

1. Birdseye view of a ship anchored in the South Atlantic Ocean; speeding away from it is a speedboat, and we can just make out two figures on board, both outfitted in scuba-gear. One of Lara Croft; the other is Kevin Alderson (new character, no reference)

CAPTION

The South Atlantic Ocean

KEVIN ALDERSON

... took the spill from BP's Deepwater Horizon for the politicians to get their heads out of their arses and do something...

﻿2. Closer on the speedboat; Lara is seated, staring impassively out at the ocean. Alderson is speaking with vigour and passion.

KEVIN ALDERSON

... how many years since the War ended? Yet we've got hundreds of sunken vessels threatening environmental catastrophe that they've continued to ignore...﻿

Take the Hemmingway as an example; the tanker was sunk in 1942, Lara. It was carrying more than 5000tonnes of oil, yet it's remained untouched for over sixty years...

4.﻿ Lara and Alderson are in the water, swimming downwards into the murky depths.

CAPTION

Kevin Alderson has dedicated his life to safeguarding these forgotten vessels,

and he's finally been provided the funding to do so.

It only took a man-made disaster in the Gulf of Mexico to instigate a pragmatic solution...

5. Tight on Lara; we can see the reflection of bright illumination on her facemask.

CAPTION

Unfortunately, Kevin and his team found more than this British naval tanker when they began their survey...

6. Largest panel on the page: an overheard shot. We're looking down at the tanker, the Hemmingway, rusted from a lifetime under the sea. And beside it is a stone circle comprised of eight megaliths - think of Stonehenge - and an otherworldly glow is emanating from its middle.

CAPTION (1)

Whatever it is, it evaporated Kevin's team before his very eyes.

They actually dissipated as they approached the monument.

CAPTION (2)

I'm here to find them.
And if I can... to discern the monument's origin.

7. Lara's holding up her hand; it's beginning to fade, beginning to dissolve. She shows no indication of panic. Just another day in the life, right?

Thanks for the kind words, guys. I'm not too happy with this script, honestly. I like the idea, but I dunno, think it might be too cluttered...

I tried sketching out how the page would work (laughably - I can barely draw a human figure, let alone a ship and a Stonehenge-like monument...) and I'm still not convinced it's possible to make the page look good.

The only thing I didn't like about this was the large caption in Panel 4. Splitting it into two separate ones would look better on a page I think. Other than that, loved it! Particularly liked Lara's reaction to Kevin's soapbox speech :-)

It's a strong opening, Simon, and both my niggles are minor. Firstly, Hemingway can only be spelt with one M. I know it's a name and in theory there could be a double-M spelling in Lara Croft world, but it'll always look wrong despite that.

And secondly, can something 'evaporate' under water? Not sure about 'dissipate' either... I know exactly what you're getting at, but by strict dictionary defs I'm not sure either word is 100% right here.