130 days to escape the cubicle; 1 girl; zero plan.

Month: August 2017

…but not everything. And that is where the trouble begins (or rather, never starts).

As the years pass, the more I realize that I must let go of ghost ships of lives not lived; paths not taken. In my attempt to not commit any mistakes, I stand at the precipice of the multi-faceted person I want to be – clutching a list of “what ifs” tightly to my chest.

I now know I will never become a doctor or astronaut. I probably will never win a Nobel Peace Prize (TBD!). I think I’ve come to terms with not living abroad – it has never felt better to lay down roots. But in letting these ghost ships sail, I have determined the “what ifs” I’m not willing to let go of:

My mother always warned me that my dirty mirrors were preventing real love from entering my life. I was skeptical. I was fairly certain it was my own lack of enthusiasm and general wariness that was preventing any of the lacklustre Tinder suitors from taking up permanent residence in my life.

And then one day, I decided to succumb to the pull of the Windex (and my mother’s nagging). I grabbed the lonely blue bottle from below my kitchen sink, dusted it off and tentatively gave my front hall mirror a wipe. And then another. And another. Until my dust-free reflection beamed back at me.

I began clearing out other parts of my shoe box home. With every item I purged, I felt lighter. Rid of memories. No more clutter. I narrowed my life down to items that were meaningful and necessary. And then I began clearing out my life in the same way.

No more room for people not adding value to my life; no more room for indecisiveness. I got rid of the empty friendships; the ex-boyfriend rolodex; the excess human clutter I kept around out of habit.

But most importantly, I released the disappointment and resentment that came with clearing those shelves. I wiped away the past – first in small strokes – and then in one final fell swoop.

So here I am. Arguably at my best. Still a perfectionist battling to become an optimalist – still trying to find a creative outlet that doesn’t feel overwhelming.

I am a work in progress. But you know what? My mirrors are clean. And my life is overflowing with love.