​5 Stupid/Terrifying HottestChristmas Toys of 2015

11-23-2015

As we approach Black Friday, 2015, and, thereafter, Cyber Monday (and, therebefore, Black Thursday, which works diligently each year to replace Thanksgiving by slowly strangling it out of existence), we all know what to expect: stores filled way beyond legal, maximum occupancy with thousands of people in a mad scramble for, like, 5 impossibly low-priced TVs, and other similarly-priced, similarly-understocked items, most of us going home sweaty, trampled, broke, and brimming over with BS impulse-buys we'll regret later and 0 of the items we came for in the first place.

As such, I've devised, here, even more reasons to be horrified of this year's holiday shopping season! Where some websites have already listed the "Worst Toys of 2015" for bullshit toys no kid will ever want and everyone will return, other, "helpful" websites have carefully compiled a list of "2015's Hottest, Must-Have Toys/Retail Crime Catalysts" for toys that either cost too much money, blood, moral standards or your Thanksgiving dinner, as you camp out in the cold storefront, like a hobo, sharpening your concealed weaponry. What I've done, here, is more awesome than... all of that. For the good of us all, I've meticulously studied this year's hottest toys to warn you of which ones are stupid and/or a threat to human freedom and survival! I’ve also decided to make this a yearly tradition here at Treegnome.weebly, despite that this list will probably be about the same every year. So this time, instead of my typical “Fails That Didn’t Make The List” section of my intro, here are 3 things you will probably see on the current version of this list, every year: a pooping doll, Elmo, and a robot trying to take over the future. And I’m sure there will be at least one year when all 3 are the same toy. EFFING AWESOME BONUS!!!!!: Each entry in this list comes packaged with a bonus “Terrifying Toy of Christmas Future,” which is my prediction for next year’s, “Stupid/Terrifying Hottest Christmas Toys of 2016!” I’d consider this an “Awesome Victory” if this year’s list’s toys weren’t going to destroy mankind sometime before Christmas, 2016 even gets here… But they are!

1. ​Legendary Yoda Toy Attacks Children Relentlessly

A very overly-optimistic toy company, Spin Master, tells us that this new Legendary Yoda toy will train your child in the ways of the Jedi, the selfless heroes of the galaxy, by quoting Star Wars movies and then flailing his lightsaber around like a mothereffer! Obviously, Spin Master has forgotten that little boys are made out of Satan and will utilize every opportunity to derive pleasure from the expense of others. What will actually happen this very sad Christmas morning is that, at the very moment Yoda’s batteries are installed, the excited child will IMMEDIATELY have Yoda beat the eff out of their baby sister. Fun! There is 0 possibility this won’t end in a disastrous, mass child-injury-related recall. Legendary Yoda’s realistic latex skin and 7 motors bring his violent, battery-fueled wrath against the Dark Side and your little sister to life! With three incredible modes of “training,” your path to the Dark Side will soon be complete! Wisdom Mode, where he answers your questions and spouts haikus at you with his backwards Yoda-speak, Force Mode, where he uses glowing force magic and awesomely teaches you how to Force Push, and Warrior Mode, where he zooms around the room with his lightsaber slashing wildly, cutting down everything in his path, usually your little sister. He supposedly responds to your commands, but the video shows the Demo Guy, whose job it is show how this thing works, struggling to keep his maniacal lightsaber frenzy under control. Why must toy-making always end in Robot Apocalypse?

RATING (OUT OF 10):

STUPID: 8 This toy is literally made, on purpose, to swing weapons at kids. They are trying to hurt children and get recalled.TERRIFYING: 8 See above.AWESOME: 10 See above.

HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 6

Will this toy seriously injure lots of children? Yes, yes it will, at the hands of stupid people. …I want one. I don’t have a little sister, but I have a big one, and she’s totally got it coming for years of oppressing me as a child. Get ready for Christmas, sis.

TERRIFYING TOY OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:

Notorious Emperor has 27 motors and facial-recognition software and will actually run up to 35 miles-per-hour to chase down and subdue human targets of your choice! Includes 3 sinister modes of Dark Side training: Wisdom Mode, where he instructs your child to use their fear, hate, anger and violence to solve problems and fight democracy, Force Mode, where he uses electromagnetic-field-manipulation to float or throw metallic objects, like knives, or refrigerators, and Unlimited Power Mode where he hovers 3 inches off the ground and spins uncontrollably and shoots REAL lightning from his hands until commanded to stop (this mode should only be used outside, on level ground, 100 feet away from anything flammable, like your little sister)! Requires unleaded gasoline with an octane rating of 86 or higher. From Spin Master!

2. Baby Alive Snackin’ Sara Eats It’s Own Poop

I guess I’m the crazy one for this, but I’ve never understood why anyone would buy a pooping doll. Isn’t that the worst part of raising kids? Shouldn’t the best part about raising pretend kids be not having to deal with their excrement? Yet, for some reason, the horrible trend is that the most popular dolls are the ones that poop, as if cleaning up crap somehow makes playtime more fun. Worse still, the even more popular dolls are the ones that try to make cleaning up doll poop even more fun by taking it to disturbingly bizarre new levels. Last year, toy companies shocked apparently, only me by unleashing a Lalaloopsy doll that magically poops charms that your children can wear on their bracelets, teaching kids to make jewelry out of poop.

Effing awesome. This year, the Baby Alive Snackin’ Sara doll takes it even further by including reusable food that it eats, craps back out, and then eats again. What this means is that some a-hole has finally invented a doll that can reenact Two Girls, One Cup. For your children. Let’s be clear on something, presently. It’s not just that Snackin’ Sara can eat it’s own poop, like it’s some kind of disgusting bonus feature exclusively for 6-year-old scat-fetishists. The Baby Alive toy company made the food reusable on purpose. Your children are supposed to feed this baby it’s own crap. Hopefully, there are no real babies in the house with these children.

RATING (OUT OF 10):

STUPID: 10 This toy teaches children to feed babies their own poop. Does that really need any more commentary?TERRIFYING: 10 See above.AWESOME: 0 See above.

HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 6ish

I guess it depends on if you have real, live babies sharing your house with you and the owners of a crap-eating doll. If “no”: 3. If “yes”: ANY NUMBER HIGHER THAN 9. Average: 6ish.

TERRIFYING TOY OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:

Lalaloopsy Sugar-Poop Surprise!

The spatula adds a new dimension to this terror. Think about it. Now think about what you just thought about. Shame on you.

3. CybeRex, Batman’s Robot Dinosaur

As a writer, it’s hard to write a title like that and not expect it to spontaneously spawn a comedy article, all by itself. As crazy as giant robots are in the first place, and as crap-your-pants crazy as it is to give one to Batman, I can’t think of a single thing that makes less sense than giving a dinosaur-shaped giant robot to a super hero that has never once used anything that wasn’t shaped like a bat. Using exclusively bat-shaped weapons is literally Batman’s only superpower. Batman’s Robot Dinosaur implies that Mattel flipped through a dictionary blindfolded and picked 2 words at random and added them to a superhero. Using the same strategy, I now plan to make my millions selling my own Christmas toys: Catwoman’s Anglo-French Finn and Superman’s Peacock Megaphone!

RATING (OUT OF 10):

STUPID: 10 This is a toy made by insane people to see if money happens if you push buttons at a toy factory and scream dictionary words at staff meetings.TERRIFYING: 1 Really, it’s just plain stupid.AWESOME: 0 Congratulations, Mattel, you found a way to make Batman uncool.

HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 2

There’s really only cause to be scared by this if you have an insane phobia that companies like Mattel might make even more toys this stupid. So, I’m terrified, but the rest of you should be good.