The average American has only 13 days off a year. Instead of spending yours marveling at how Whoppers taste even better in Europe, see if you've got what it takes to unite an ancient nomadic people into an unstoppable warrior horde, or simply eat with the locals without...

... getting eaten by the locals. Because, when cage diving for sharks off the coast of South Africa with a captain who money-back guarantees you'll experience the terror of all terrors, you don't want to get too chummy with the natives. Boom, puns.

You don't become the ruler of the largest contiguous empire in history by staying anywhere with complimentary Wi-Fi. For eight days, test your khan-mettle with Nomadic Mongolia, where you'll learn archery, make your own clothes(!), ride horseback, and generally be amazed at how anyone could organize total world domination without Gchat.

Visiting Papua New Guinea's River May means stepping into territory that's remained unexplored somewhere between 40yrs and forever. Living off the rainforest, you'll have only your guide for company, so together you can brave the most unexplored territory: male conversations that last more than three minutes.

Race to Witch Mountain + 28 Days Later isn't half as scary as four weeks on Boulder Mountain completing the BOSS 28-Day Field Course, navigating Utah's canyon country with nothing but a knife, water bottle, blanket, and poncho. Of course, you'll have to earn blanket/poncho rights by foraging for scraps and hiking up to 30mi a day, but what did you expect from a vacation that requires a note from your doctor?

Forget sharks -- CorruptTour will take you on a sightseeing expedition to see the real predators: Eastern European bureaucrats. Seriously, you will actually venture into "the habitats of cronies in the wild” and visit "Hospitals on the Edge of Law", where skin grafts meet plain old graft.

Take a Warrior Awakening Safari and you'll be led through Kenya's Loita Hills by a Maasai guide absolutely not named "Rick Steves". He'll teach you how he manages to live off the land so well, and keep his pants dry knowing that elephants often forget the meaning of "docile".

If you absolutely, positively won't settle for anything less than a super premium vacation, at least spend it desperately hoping your heart doesn't burst out of your chest. The Lamborghini Winter Academy will put you in the Italian Alps, swerving over an ice-coated course in an Aventador -- because when driving a car that goes 230mph, sticking to the asphalt is just kind of meh.