Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Nem me deixava morar no seu azul

On Saturday, I was numb. On Sunday, I cried. On Monday, I talked and typed and talked with people through it. By the nightfall, I was angry.

And I still am angry. I'm mostly angry at him.

But it's going to be a while before I caio na conversa of another man. To change my ways for a man. To start forming my life and adapting my beliefs to fit in a world with another man.

But there's one thing I'm not angry about. I made sure not to lose myself or lose my Islam. I made exceptions to former ways that I wanted to be, yes, primarily just with the fact of being in a relationship with someone who believed in God but was not Muslim. But I never said, therefore, I am no longer Muslim.

Islam is something that is mine, and for the time, it wasn't shared between us, but I figured that a key step we'd have to go down was letting him know what spirituality was for my life, how he fit into my life with that, the way that I planned to live, etc.

But hah, we didn't have to go through that before I was dumped. On my rump. Bump bump bump.

I've wrote volumes about the breakup elsewhere. I don't feel like doing it now, just to acknowledge that it existed. I still don't regret that it all happened. It was a transition phase for me, it taught me things, and I enjoyed having that companionship for the while I did. Back to being a Single Muslimah down for the cause, full throttle! I'm ready, baby!

But one thing I must admit that saved me through this whole process...well, several things did. But one thing at the base was...I loved him but I never let myself go too far. He wasn't giving me at a point anything to make my feelings for him go farther. For me, we were still just in the beginning stages. We still needed to get to know each other.

I never felt like that Elis Regina song, "Só Tinha de Ser Com Você." It only had to be with you. Because I was realizing as he was realizing...he wasn't the one, and I wasn't it, respectively.

Especially that part, "Você que é feito de azul, me deixa morar nesse azul. Me deixa encontrar minha paz..." You who are made of blue, you let me live in this blue. You let me find my peace.

I was never fully at peace. He never let me live in his world. Nem me deixava morar no seu azul. You never let me live in your blue.

He doesn't let people into his life easily. That's fine. That's whatever.

In the meantime, I need to clarify my spiritual direction in life. It's time for me to fast and pray...

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Me. Mí. Mim!

Invisible Muslimah is not a new concept. It actually has nothing to do with Invisible Man. In fact, after people kept asking me about it, I read Invisible Man. At the time it had an impact, but I must admit, I don't remember what it was about. No, I'm mainly carrying the name over from my old site. But I continue to be invisible, in the simple sense that people may know I'm Muslim, but they don't know how I'm Muslim...and I guess this blog has always exposed that about me in a kind of stark naked way. Oh yeah, 30! blah blah blah attending family physician blah.