What Ayn Rand Taught Paul Ryan

Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- “I grew up reading Ayn Rand, and it
taught me quite a bit about who I am and what my value systems
are and what my beliefs are. It’s inspired me so much that it’s
required reading in my office for all my interns and my staff.”

Paul Ryan laughed. He stood naked on top of the vice
president’s desk in the Senate chamber, scanning the crowd of
sniveling politicians below him.

He flexed his muscles, the result of hours spent in the
House gymnasium. Look at these pathetic specimens, he thought.
Not one of them could do a one-armed pushup if his life depended
on it. Not one was worthy of so much as co-sponsoring one of
Ryan’s bills. Every single one of them had been elected by
appealing to the average citizen in his (or her -- Ryan snorted
at the thought) district. It occurred to him, and not for the
first time, that of all the men and women in this room, only he,
Paul Ryan, had been selected for his current office by the
president himself.

The president. Ryan’s mind wandered as he thought about the
only man who stood between him and absolute power. Mitt Romney
was a weakling, he thought -- and not for the first time. He’s a
man whose views can change. The thought filled Ryan with
disgust. His own views were as solid as granite. They were the
views of the only clear-thinking woman he had ever met: Ayn
Rand.

Pathetic Losers

Ryan thought back on the humiliating “job interview” he had
allowed himself to be subjected to before being chosen as
Romney’s vice president. Did he have any pregnant, unmarried
daughters? Could he see Russia from his living room window?

Worst of all was the probing of his attitude about federal
programs such as Medicare and Social Security. His attitude? His
attitude was that all of these programs were for pathetic
losers. Romney had agreed with him, but said they should keep
this opinion under their hats. Ryan had obliged, only long
enough to make it through the election. And he despised himself
for this. But he did it, and it worked, and the Romney-Ryan team
was elected. And now he kept nothing under his hat.

In fact, he didn’t have a hat, or any other article of
clothing. Clothing was for weaklings.

It was the opening session of the Senate, Vice President
Paul Ryan presiding. The House leadership also was present.
Below him he could see and hear so-called leaders of his own
party pleading with him to get off the desk and sit in a chair
like a normal human being -- or at least put on some clothes,
for God’s sake. He cringed inwardly at having to listen to such
advice from the likes of Mitch McConnell and John Boehner.

Although, he had to admit, he couldn’t despise these two
men, much as he might wish to. They both seemed terribly bitter.
He liked that. Actually, he had a real soft spot for Senator
McConnell, who, when the occasion called for it, could be
impressively nasty.

As for House Speaker Boehner, he could be nasty, too, but
always with a slight cynical smirk, which said, “I know this is
all just a game.” This ruined it for Ryan. For Ryan, this was
not a game.

Furthermore, Boehner smoked cigarettes. That marked him as
a pathetic, weak character. But it also marked him as a man
willing to stand up to the sickening pressures of social
conformity. You could argue it both ways. There are merits on
both sides of the argument. Reasonable men may differ. …

Pathetic Thinking

“Stop!” Ryan thought to himself. Was even he not immune
from the poison of relativism? Had not his mistress taught him
that there are not two sides to every question? There is only
one side to every question. He could hear her voice in his head,
saying: “No. No. No. Paul, you disappoint me. Hearing you say
that something can be argued both ways makes me physically ill.
Yes, yes, I want to vomit. There is one objective answer to any
question, and that is the answer that derives from reason. And
if you are in any doubt about what reason dictates, just come to
me and I will tell you. You can take it on faith.”

Ryan thought about the challenges that lay ahead.
Privatizing the interstate highway system. Replacing the
Pentagon with national defense vouchers. Turning the Smithsonian
and the National Gallery of Art into block grants for the
states. Ryan was especially excited by the defense vouchers
idea. Why should national defense have to be “one-size-fits-all”?

Again, he scanned the room. It occurred to him that, if
anything, the opposing party was even more pathetic than his
own. What a collection of mediocrities. A perfect reflection of
the people who elect them. Over there was that weasel Harry
Reid. During the campaign -- with no evidence at all -- Senator
Reid said that Romney had paid no taxes for 10 years. So what if
he hadn’t? Good for him. Taxation is slavery. It is the inferior
majority expecting the superior minority to pay them for their
very inferiority.

Paul Ryan banged the gavel and brought the Senate to order.
It quieted down quickly -- much faster than the House used to
under the so-called leadership of that woman from California.
The politicians recognized that they had entered the force field
of a true, natural leader.

Yes, things were going to be very different from here on
out, Ryan chuckled to himself.

(Michael Kinsley is a Bloomberg View columnist. The
opinions expressed are his own.)

Today’s highlights: the editors on eliminating the wind-energy
tax credit and on Congo’s bloody trade in minerals; Clive Crook
on how badly the EU would botch a euro breakup; Edward Glaeser
on getting the Army Corps of Engineers out of your neighborhood;
Laurence Kotlikoff on economists who become political hacks;
William L. Silber on Paul Volcker’s goldless gold standard.

To contact the writer of this article:
Michael Kinsley at mkinsley@bloomberg.net or @michaelkinsley on
Twitter.