Monday, March 31, 2014

I absolutely fell in love with it. I just wish I was surrounded by people who are so I want to be cute and Diet Philanthropists that I can't make cute stuff like this and expect someone to enjoy it without complaining, whining or saying how it's going to ruin their already ugly figure.

Eh, but maybe one I'll get surrounded by some new people (probably by moving to a new city) and then I'll be able to try out this awesome recipe.

You ever come across one of those moments where you think on a situation and then come to be a better understanding after you think about it for the first time with a clear mind?? Yeah I had one of those a few months ago.

In the midst of thinkin about my situation and thinking about my parents. I wondered how different my situation would've been if my mother had died first and then my father. It probably wouldn't've been as long in term of what happened. But I still believe I would've ended up with the same result regardless.

The more I thought about it, I finally understood what my dad meant when he said he wanted to die first before my mom.

See with my mom needing 24/7 care, time to myself basically was reduce to long bathroom visits or time out going grocery shopping to get time to myself. Imagine doing that for 5 years by myself and additional 5 years with my dad. It can get frustrating and becomes overwhelming regardless of what people say, caring for a sick person or an elderly person is exhausting really.

Now if the tables were turned and it was just me and my dad. I wouldn't have had to do the same kind of 24/7 care and I would've had somewhat more freedom to my self to do what I wanted to do. In that regard, that's what he meant. He said he didn't want to be left with me because he knew I wouldn't be at home with him and that he would be lonely and I'd be out enjoying life. Honestly everytime my mom would mention that to me my initial thought was that I wouldn't be doing that. But I was basing his situation with my mother's at being stuck in the house and dealing with a sick person. However when I took the time to think about it recently I wouldn't be doing the same thing that I was doing with my mother. My situation may have been more chaotic and unstable though.

The sad part about it all, I actually felt bad after saying over and over and over again that I wouldn't leave him and I wouldn't do this and I wouldn't do that. Yet I know if I was put into that situation I would be doing whatever I wanted and been contented doing so.

Sometimes when we think about things and say how we'll react that's never the case. We're comparing a possible situation with a present strategy. So never say what you'll do knowing if you were really put into that situation that's not what you'll do.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I had just mindlessly walked out of the bathroom, went into a small bedroom that's now an office. Petted one of my kittens and went straight for the candy dish in there and stole 3 pieces. My mind was focused on my current fubar situation. I went back into the hallway, petted the other kitten and went into my bedroom. Like a feign, I climbed in my bed with the tapping and mewing of the kittens outside my door frantically trying to open the tin foil wrapped candy. And that's when it hit me—.

These last few weeks have been high level stress for me. This past week has been hell. Within this last week I've encountered so many stressful situations that at some point I snapped. I didn't catch my senses until a few minutes ago. I can't even remember the last thing I wrote. But I know it was during work.

So my position changed this past week at work. I was just a school bus rider. Which then I turned into a monitor. I understand my position. Those of you who don't know a school bus monitor is there to help the driver keep the children under control and safe as possible. In a normal situation that's fine. Not fine with special needs children who have a variety of disabilities. Who also experienced so many changes that they're disgusted. I understand, their routine has been destroyed so often and so abruptly they reject all changes. Unfortunately due to the complicated circumstances it's hard to transition. Old veteran drivers didn't want to deal with them not only because of their disabilities but they have behavior problems as well. So they gave it to a new driver. The old monitor quit and they replace me with him and that was an even bigger issue because we have two new people with kids who are challenged and disgusted. Not a good combo. To say the least you don't know what to say without it being taken the wrong way. So as for this week I don't know if I'm riding with them again or not.

In midst of all this, I got pulled over the other night by the police. He said I exceeded the speed limit. Which I'm fine with and I probably did. But he approached the situation wrong. He not only assumed I didn't have a license but tried to say my insure was expired, I was a minor, and I was driving a car not registered to me and how I'm going to kill someone. Then wanted to know what my living situation was like and who I lived with and if I was sure I lived there. He said I was going so fast he could barely keep up with me. That's crap. Because the neighbor where he's an officer for. They way in two spots. He wasn't at the first spot and I hadn't got to the second spot. So I think he was following me from my neighborhood because at one corner there's a lot of negro activity. And my neighborhood board lines with his. I hesitated at the light because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go left or straight. I took left. When I got so far down there was a dog in the street. I stopped completely as the pup took it's time to get on the sidewalk and out of the street. Then I noticed someone following me. But thought nothing of it. So he said he would cite me and I have to go to court in 10 days which then became 30 days. So as I'm asking him questions on how to handle it, all he gave me was I don't knows and go find out on my own. When he let me go, he followed me through two more neighborhoods before getting off my ass. Now I think he stopped me because he thought I had something to do with what was going on down the street, the dog, my damaged bumper (that got damaged because I slipped on ice while backing into the drive way a few weeks ago) and my music. But when he couldn't find dirt on me he had an attitude and tried to make something out of nothing. That pissed me off.

In lieu of that, I worked to see what I can do to change it. Unfortunately I hit two roadblocks. I can get everything changed however I need insurance in my name. After my car accident in June I don't know how the insurance company will take it. Then to look for insurance is a problem since I only have enough for bills. I have to work on that tomorrow. But then I got a flat tire on Thursday that I have to get repaired and I have to see how much that will cost since I can't get new ones right now. Another problem.

Then, I've been getting stalked by this old drunk alcoholic guy who did a few things for my mom. She would complain she didn't like his drinking then leave him alone! Unfortunately my mother was a nice person and acknowledge everyone regardless of their affiliations in life. Well after she died he came around looking for me to be his new employer and I'm like I don't need your help. I've never seen him work and he's rarely sober. Like winning the lottery rare. He did help me get the ice out of my driveway which I was appreciative and said thank you and paid him. It wasn't perfect but that's out of my control. After that I told him I don't have anything for you to do. Because he wants payment all the time and demands work. I'm like no. I'm not going to assist in his drinking habit and I rather try on my own first or forego it if I can't.

Last Friday night he comes to my house around 10pm. That's one thing I don't like, why do you need to come to my house at night?? So I invited him in because I wasn't about to hold the door open and let the cold in not go outside as he rambles on. He goes into how him and his supposed wife are arguing and stuff and I'm like ok it'll work itself out. Whatevs. Then he boldly says he wants to hook up with me. I immediately say no. He says don't worry about Jackie and the kids (there's 10 of them). I'm like I'm not but no. So then he says oh she's putting me out and I need a place to stay and you have a house so that'll be great. I'm like no. Then he's like oh you're so beautiful and just my type and you don't need to be single blah blah blah yadda yadda—I'm like thank you but I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I don't have the time and my main focus is working and taking care of myself and my kittens. Then he asks me if I have kids or not and I'm thinking dude I've known you for 3 years now and I lived with my mom have you seen kids here??? Then he's like you have the cats that's cool with me I like cats. Then I reiterate what I said. He's like well that's because you haven't had a grown man treat you right. I can help you pay the bills, I get $700 a month from social security but I can't give you anything now but next month definitely. We can go out, I know tons of places we can go to plus you have a car so we're set. I'm like no, I don't have time for going out. After about another 30-40minutes of this banter he then demands I give him something to do. Like a chore. I don't have anything for you to do. So he back to his love conversation and said he needed someone to love him and I'm like you've come to the wrong place. It ain't happening here. So he says well ok not love but a friend. I'm not interested in friendships. He's like oh you let them other dudes mess it up for me and blah blah and I'm like no the girls did that. But I don't have a need for a guy. So he's like you need someone to help you with this house. And I will do that on my own thank you very much. So he eventually leaves and said I need to think about what he said. I told him I'll consider thinking about it. He said he'll come back next month and ask me again. I'm at the point I just want to get rid of you.

Saturday. I had go out to the store because I was in the midst of cleaning and rearranging furniture and trying to make the house more emotionally appealing for me and not feel so awkward while I'm here. I feel safe but then again I feel very uncomfortable. It's not my house. It's my parents home and always will be and it will always feel like that. With them not here in it, I feel slightly uncomfortable. I went to Walmart that night around 10pm to get a few things I needed since I made adjustments in the furniture. I got back around 11pm. I sat watched a tv show and went back to what I was doing. So the door bell goes off around 12:30am and it's crazy from yesterday. Did I mention he's 50 and some of his kids are younger than me?? Unfortunately with my front and storm doors, they're so old there's a terrible glare. So I can't see who's outside. I can't even look out either windows to see especially if whoever it is, is in a blind spot. He said he came to see if I wanted company. I'm like no. He's like well what are you doing. Cleaning and moving furniture. He's like I can help. I told him I don't need your help. And he's like well I can't go home and I came to see you. I don't have time for company. I have to go to church in the morning. He seem to get disgusted and asked if I thought about what he said. I told him no, I have more important things to think about and it doesn't include that. So he's like you're saying I don't have a chance?? I'm like no you do not. He's like you hurt my feelings. I'm sorry but no. He leaves.

Now he told me he no longer lives at the top of my street. He moved two streets over going down. So I'm wondering why are you passing your supposed house to come to mine?? I saw his supposed wife this week and she have me a real funky look. I pretended like I didn't see her because I don't know what he said to her or what frame of mind she's in.

He comes past yesterday evening after I got back from my second job and his excuse for coming is to "check on me." One night he came pass and wanted to know who I had in my house because a car was parked in front of my house. I'm like I don't know what you're talking about nor do I know who's car that is and I don't care. He kept asking me like it's an issue. Anyway. Yesterday he brought a friend with him. The friend stood in my driveway. I tried to look out the living and dining rooms' windows but can't see anything. Since he's shorter than me, I can't see him from the front door window. I open the door and he immediately snatches on my store door. I pulled it back and cracked it and he's telling me how he came to see me and goes into this reason of why I haven't seen him because he's supposedly working. When I could care less and I wasn't searching for him and let him know that. So he says I'm working so I can save up money and take you out. I'm no that's ok, I don't have time for that. He's like you have free time. I don't. He's like you're not doing nothing now. I'm like you interrupted my cleaning. When I have free time I'm either sleep or cleaning the house. So he says well you'll get off in the summer. I told him I doubt that. He's like yes you will be off in the summer. I'm like I don't think so. He says it again. So I'm like well if I am, I'll be looking for work. I'm looking for another job now. I don't have time. So he mumbles some incoherent jargon and then demands I give him something to do. I'm like I don't have anything for you to do. So he's like you going to be mine I'm going to keep trying. I'm like I seriously doubt that. So then he says I'm going to keep trying even if it takes me forever. I'm like if you say so but I seriously doubt that.

So now I have to find away to make some money to get a surveillance camera so I can see who's on the porch without having to be forced to open the door. And asking who is it a lot of people refuse to answer so I'm like I don't have time for this nonsense.

I even had an ex-con call my phone and ask me for sex. I have no clue who he was, where he got my number and I have NEVER in my life associated with someone who went to jail.

Because of these last few encounters I've had with men—I officially hate men, they turn me off and take me to such an uncomfortable level it makes me cry literally. They creep me out. I don't like this new found attraction because I have a house and car. No I'm not your meal ticket and damn sure ain't going to consider it. Not even in the craziest or mindsets! No one can fix this, I'm mentally damaged and have no interests of whatsoever in men. I'll talk to them and respect them but I'm not interested, especially if they're going to be creepy and demanding. I'm contented being a cat lady.

Then I talked to my cousin who's afraid of everything and anything outside her house. And she wants to give me advice and tell me this and tell me that. She's been having me look for the job at the hospital that I told her I haven't been able to find. So today she tells me I see something different than you when I look. Well no fucking wonder it hasn't been working! So now she wants to help and then give this whole you should've known bullshit lecture. Last time I talk to her she got disgusted because I said I wanted to leave Pittsburgh. I hate it here. Why am I staying. Then she's like what it you got sick or got in trouble if you lived out of state. I'm thinking BITCH I WAS HOMELESS FOR 4 MONTHS WHO THE FUCK HELPED ME HERE??? Family sucks ass when they don't help or treat each other like strangers and enemies. My family is gone so I might as well leave here. I might be able to find a better opportunity and maybe encounter some people I can get slightly get along with.

After her bullshit. I went to the bathroom and after went to the office and grabbed candy and ran to my bedroom to goggle it down and then I realized I'm making myself sick. I'm eating because of stress. The thought of it made me go into a anxiety attack and now I have an upset stomach. The sad thing is I noticed my clothes were fitting or felt snug. I dismissed it. But while I sat there with my rollos in my hand, I thought about all the food I was was mindless eating without actually feeling hungry and thinking the whole while it's ok.

So I think in going to fast starting today and not eat anything for the whole week and see how it goes. See if I can get this binge eating under control. And not have it spiral into another problem or make myself sick.

I just don't like my situation but I'm in a position where there's nothing I can do about it. I can't leave Pittsburgh because I don't have the means financially to do it. And uprooting with no place to go to is ridiculous. I can't find a steady permanent job because what I have experience doing is now down my computers and smartphones. I don't know anyone to help me who isn't already retired. This school bus gig is more of a pain than a help. I love my webcam job but I hate the fact that I have to sell my pussy for $1 maybe $2 if I'm lucky. I'm selling to cheapskates who blow money on some skank. My hair is falling out and I'm beyond frustrated. I get so tired of people telling me how blessed and how happy I should be but I'm not they don't know what it's like to have no family at all and what little I do have all have problem. Like who the fuck says I'm hear when you need me call me and then never answers the fucking phone or tells me bluntly I'm not helping you or taking care of you I don't give a shit if you're homeless or not. So I'm like fuck family. I came into a problem because what little my mother left me, had to go getting my house back, fixing and repairing it and paying for services and shit and even to have access to the money which fucked my life up that much more. Everyone's on that if you talk with the lord, no fuck that I shouldn't have to talk to him when he put me in this fucked up situation. When I needed his help the most, I got fucking ignored and people are like well you just have to accept that—NO, screw that. I'm not going to thank you when I wake up when I'm living in hell. I don't need people giving me advice when they aren't contributing to my cause or helping me correct my problem.

Honestly I just want to be left alone, and go to work and pay my bills and come home to my two kittens and patiently wait for death to summon me. I don't need friends or family or that extra fuckery that comes along with those things. I really don't. It's like when I wanted a relationship with a guy or wanted to have kids or have my own family I wasn't ready, wasn't good enough, and of course it's never the right time. But now when I don't have a need for it and been practically alone or a loner what-have-you, now I need to do it. But why?? I've been single forever with guys, girls suck here as far as bisexuality is concerned. If I've lived 26 years without it, I'm pretty sure I'll be ok the years to come.

You know the saying, "That was the last straw [that broke the camel's back]"? Well mine was a piece of candy...hmmph.

It's been a long time since I last talked to you guys. With my hectic schedule I have little time to myself. Except for now lol.

Anyway to tell you guys what's going on! Well I'm still in my search of looking for a permanent job. It doesn't have to be fancy or anything like that just as long as it gives me benefits and pays me a decent wage (under my income limit otherwise it I go over I won't be able to get my food stamps) that's all I really need. So until that happens I'll keep trying until I find something. I've applied to over 30 places these last few weeks. I even went to bus driver school. I haven't gotten my CDL license yet. So I'm working on getting my permit, I just finished my training course on Monday. I do work for them as a rider or something or other I don't know. But I start work at 6am! And work is a 30minute drive. So I'm getting up around 3 or 4am to get to work on time. And then I'm done around 9 or 10a and then I have to come back at 1:30 to 4ish pm. Exciting isn't it?

That's my 5th job.

My first job is that permanent full time or part time whatever that's going to offer me benefits and a little bit of security and stability. Until we find that, that's what the number one spot is for. As for my 2nd job I'm a jitney driver. I only pick up people I know personally. It's too unsafe to go out and pick up whoever. Plus I work for myself. I don't want to pay someone what I make and they give me what they think in owed. But every so often if I get a good week I can get $60+. Which isn't too bad.

My 3rd job is being a webcam girl. Which didn't turn out as I expected it to. I enjoy it honestly. But the thought that my body is only worth $130 sucks. I understand no one wants to pay for something that may not be a good investment. However sometimes you have to and then bite the bullet, count your losses and move on. I watched some of the other models who get ass naked and get no tips of whatsoever. I've seen some with 3 layers of clothes on and get more tips than they should. I've even seen some who are terrible and make thousands and I don't get it. I attract all the crazies who want me to shit on my laundry, wear diapers or shove a windex bottle up my cunt for free. Some even want to give the illusion that they're going to pay you and they really don't. So I went on strike a few weeks ago because I'm not going to create some paradisiacal fantasy and you give me $2 for it. I'm over working to get next to nothing and that's fucked up. But it's also easy money. So hopefully once I get settled I'll go back to work.

Now my 4th job, I help old people with computer needs. Every so often there's that one old person who wants to be in the know with the up and coming technology but has no idea what they're doing. So they call me up and ask for me help. That's an on and off thing but still a job for me. Plus I'm available all the time unlike the geek squad haha.

I got a lot on my plate don't I?? It's not so bad, just have to get to lack of sleep is all. I am currently looking for a 6th job. I did have an interview with a company last Tuesday and they told me no. Then I tried to get a job with lyft, they told me no because I don't have a new car. So I'm like fuck you and your gay pink mustache. You said cars between 2000-2014, what the actual fuck?

Since I know I can't get anything doing what the regular folks do like applying to jobs and getting into whatever based on experience, knowledge and knowing somebody. I placed an ad on craigslist for anything within reason to do whatever I can. I had a few flops and that's ok and I've come across a few good offers that doesn't work with my current schedule. Then I had others that were just downright ridiculous. One was a door to door getting signatures but I could only participate if I became a republican. Another I was paid based on commission of getting people to switch their electrical supplier. And let's not forget those you can make MILLIONS if you pay us a monthly fee or $45.95, this opportunity is a once in a lifetime deal. Yeah right and tomorrow I'm fin to be crowned Ms. Universe.

There is a driving gig I would like to do. The woman's husbands need transportation twice a week and she's offering $300 a week for it. Which isn't bad just as long as it doesn't interfere with what I've got going on now. But if not I continue to look for something else. I'm willing to work 8 jobs to survive and stay afloat and will do anything to accomplish that. Because nothing else matters than having a place to stay and making sure the kittens are fed. Nothing else matters the most to me.

I came across a post that got my mind thinking about how men and women interact with someone when considering a relationship. Whether that's relationship is sex, long/short term, romantic, or marriage.

Like how do you wake and decide I want to find a person have sex with them and make them one of possible manys and are confident it'll work out. They don't go for the ho who was born an unvirgin or the nasty ass dude who sticks it wherever he can. No they go after the one who's looking for a relationship or looking to be married (eventually). But get mad when it doesn't work out. Well why would it?? You can't go buy a house and expect to never change a light bulb. And get rid of the house if the bulbs do blow. It doesn't work that way.

At this point in my life. I literally don't have the time for a relationship. Even if my living situation was perfect and I was working and there was no worries in my life—I still wouldn't have time for it. I don't want to play games and I don't want to question if you like me or you're through with me. I don't have time to worry if you're coming home to me tonight or Doubt you during sex because you may have been with someone else. I don't get my time back if I wasted on you and you're just looking for a quick fuck.

A lot people don't realize that time is previous and we all have things we want to accomplish before we die. Some we will and some we will never get the chance. In that case you have to pick your battles. What's funny is I've been losing in this battle for the LONGEST. I admitted defeat long time ago two years to be exact. I'm not going to continue to fight a battle I can't win and I refuse to keep working and still never get what I want. Why fight for something that's not going to be beneficial to me.

It seems like I've had quite a few guys come along and talk all this nonsense about how good they are and they miss and love me. Yeah ok I believe you. But I'm not going to take your word be the gospel until I see some effort. Between these last few I attracted: one had a baby mama and thought he could play me, the other said I need to be straight and feels I shouldn't have my attention on anything else but him, one is a whiney, crying 18 year old kid who lives in a whole different state talking about what he can do for me, and two of them are druggies. But I see a good looking guy who seems to have himself together this past Monday going to get something from the grocery store. He walks by me like I'm a concrete pillar of some sort. That I still don't understand.

Personally I don't think it's my weight or that I don't wear enough make up or because I don't twerk my ass the way I should. The people of today aren't interested in investing into something long term that's beneficial in so many ways. They make short term goals on temporary bursts of happiness and keep it moving. That's fine. Even if you're having a hard time in life, sometimes you have to. However you can't use someone's feelings to build up your already incomplete feelings because you want a temporary high—you're fucking it up for that person big time. And that's so wrong in so many ways. Whether you're aware of it or not it's still wrong. You wouldn't like some stealing your last dollar or the food out of your mouth. Then don't steal a shard from someone's heart or waste an ounce of their time.

I decided weeks ago that for the first half of march (hopefully) that I would post different words with their definitions. These are words that aren't used in everyday conversation and in some cases not even known. Which makes it even better and that's what I love about things like that. I'm a book worm for pete's sake.

Anyway I do kind of wish I wasn't so busy these last couple weeks, because I wanted Condom Week 2014 to be a bit more spectacular, but also on the same token, what I couldn't or didn't post this year can always be used for next year so that's a plus and that makes me happy.

Now where has Ms. Bunny been?? I've been working, most people call it hustling....it's work to me. Trying to get any money I can just to live comfortably in my house. In the process I've been able to spruce it up a bit. The main reason why I wanted to was because I know I'm going to be in the house, with the way things are costing gas is a killer and my utilities went up in cost too, I know I can't afford any luxurious outings. Hell I just went to the movies last month for the first time in 4 years! Glad I did though, because I really enjoyed myself. Then I got two, actually three little mouths to feed. Lily got sick and she's just getting better. Which I do have something to write about as far that is concerned.

Did I tell you guys and dolls I smashed my bumper on my van?! OH MY GOODNESS!! With the whacky weather we've been having my whole driveway was ICE. One night coming home from the store I was backing in like I normally do and my van shifted to the left and I hit the brick wall.... Tore. It. UP. I was so pissed but I also don't have the means to fix it SO thus it shall be glued, duct taped and all that other home remedies lol. Plus I'm considering a smaller car, because I can't keep putting $50 worth of gas in a car every two weeks!! It's a pain in the ass!

Nevertheless, I've been trying to get my home organized and straightened out to my liking and make it feel more like my house instead of my parents. Regardless of what people say it will never feel like my house or be my house, it was their house and will always feel like that. I can redecorate all I want but the feeling it holds will never change. But I'm trying my best, order a new sofa and two chairs to give it more of a living room feel, took the closet doors down in my bedroom and threw up curtains instead. Got area rugs for the other rooms and it's looking good. I just hope I have enough to maintain until I get a job that's going to pay me at a good price for the work that I'll be doing. But then that would suck because I'll loose my food stamps, that I had to really fight to keep this time around.

But I have faith and I tell myself everyday or when something seems to go wrong, it's going to be ok and it's going to work out and I will do whatever I need to do to make that happen.