6 ways to get your husband’s mom to love you (after a chaotic relationship)

Not every daughter/mother-in-law relationship is perfect. There are some that are downright ugly. It can be very stressful to have a rocky relationship with your mother-in-law. It can not only put a strain on you, but your relationship with your husband as well. Sometimes your husband may not even notice the things she does that hurt you, which just makes everything worse.

It may feel like there is nothing you can do to fix things, but actually, there is. If your intention is to fix or improve the relationship, there are several things you can do to make it better. Here are six ways to get her to love you:

1. Humble yourself

The hardest thing to do is to humble yourself. It is easy to stay mad, take offense to everything that is said and done against you and hold a grudge, but until you are ready to forgive, to really humble yourself and accept her for who she is, you will never move on. You will stay in an endless cycle of fighting and drive the wedge between the two of you even deeper.

Try to get to know your mother-in-law on a personal level instead of just as your husband's mom. This may help you understand her motives against you, which you can turn into understanding and kindness instead of defensiveness.

2. See things through her eyes

It is easy to get in a habit of feeling sorry for yourself — to only see how she is hurting you and causing stress in your marriage, but try to see the situation through her eyes. Imagine your own son going off and marrying someone who basically replaces you. A son really has to make a break from his mother in order to cling to his wife and rely on her instead of his mom. When you realize how hard it may be for her to take a step back, it may be easier to understand where she is coming from.

3. Have a heart-to-heart

There may be tears, there may be yelling and it may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you have to talk to her. You have to tell her how you feel and how your relationship with her is affecting your relationship with your husband. And if there are kids involved, it may affect her relationship with her grandkids too.

She may not even realize she is overly critical or complains more than compliments. And it gives her a chance to talk to you too. You may discover that you actually both feel the same way, or you may discover that she will never change and she will still drive you crazy, but at least you know you've tried everything.

4. Thank her

In the whirlwind of your relationship with your husband, you may have been so wrapped up in him that you never took the time to really thank his mom for raising him well. It may sound cheesy and a bit over-the-top, but it actually means a lot. Take a moment and talk to her or even send her a note that tells her what a great job she did raising the man you love. It will go a long way with her.

5. Communicate more

Take the time to include her in your relationship. It doesn't mean to share every intimate detail, but send her pictures, text her just because or invite her to dinner. Don't have your husband be the only one that calls her; you can also reach out. When you open the lines of communication, it can really change your relationship for the better.

6. Stop being so sensitive

Try to not be overly sensitive. You may be sure that jab was meant for you, but don't let it get under your skin. It can be easy to interpret every comment and facial expression as negative, but it may not be you at all. Perhaps she had a bad day or is upset about something else. Even if it is you, don't think that it is. Instead, be the bigger person. Don't stoop to her level; it will only backfire.

In the long run, this person is your mother-in-law, and she is not going anywhere. She is not someone you can just move away from and forget. You can try and tolerate her as best as you can, but if you really want her to love you, try some of these tactics instead.

Megan Shauri graduated with a bachelors in Anthropology and a masters in Psychology. She lives in Southern CA and is a mother of twins. She recently published her first book Pinned which is availble at http://www.meganshauri.com/