Push to Reset

I know it’s been a few days and I do regret that. I seem to handle things better the more often I check in. Lately, I have been getting used to my state being perpetually alone. I don’t see this as a negative thing in my mind, and in a way, I take my circumstance as a sign pointing towards the life I will lead. My forced solitude is a blessing, and that is the thing I have come to see clearly. What I need, is time with myself. I will be as strong as I have ever been because the love I have is for myself comes first. I want to be independent and proud, but not distant or aloof. I’m not closing the door on a relationship, I’m just not going to go out looking for one any more. Whatever happens is fine, as long as I can maintain my independence. I’m just not meant to be with anyone.

In short, I’m going to find some kind of happiness in my new way of living and that will be enough. I’ve just come to realize what is and isn’t possible anymore. It’s never been more clear. There is no going back.

I’m determined, and desperate. However, on a promising new heading. Here’s hoping I don’t have a catatonic meltdown in a few weeks.

My Profile

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2003 and have largely fallen flat on my face in my attempts to live successfully with this illness. I looked for meaning outside my self, and sought partnership, love and the comfort provided. As a result of never properly caring for my mental health, I was divorced twice, attempted suicide twice and have been hospitalized in three different California counties. I have absorbed the weight of my transgressions and decided to move forward towards meaning.
In 2013 I started investing in my recovery on a personal basis. I acquired skills, pursued introspection and began to take my illness very seriously. I did not want to commit suicide again. I had a fundamental desire to live with pride, and help those who could not help themselves. I wanted to reach out a friendly hand, much the way a hand had been offered to me when I needed it most. I knew I had caused pain in my past, and I did not want to be remembered as just that person who had lived that regrettable life.
Now, I work for the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Sacramento and I am the program coordinator for our Connection Recovery Support Groups. I do outreach, grant writing, website administration and I also work for NAMIWalks as a the 2019 Sponsorship Chairman. I hope to earn a place in the mental healthcare network here in my community and will work tirelessly towards promoting positive messages about the truth, hope and meaning of recovery.