in church no one can hear you scream

Good Christ it must suck to be the kind of Jesus-y person that only wants to consume media that is evangelical-generated and approved, because it means you get stuck with movie dreck like God’s Not Dead. This heartwarming tale of sticking it to your evil atheist college professors is theoretically named after a song by the Newsboys, which brings to mind the illustrious movie/song hybrid classic “Convoy.”

But this movie, hitting theaters in March 2014, has an EVEN WORSE origin story than a really bad Christian rock song. This movie is basically a two-hour version of one of those emails that your angry uncle — you know the one? hates taxes and the poors and Obummer, loves Fox News and Jesus except for the part where Jesus was humble and impoverished — sends you no matter how many times you tell him to stop, and it always flogs the same tired variations on the same incredibly exhausted themes.