When I was a child a neighbour boy used to sexually abuse me I never told anyone my mam was always at work and my dad was always drunk.
Then at 15 I was raped I did go to the police about this no one was every caught and it felt like no one believed me. My parents shipped me off to my Sisters to live and I turned to alcohol to block out the memories and pain I was so alone!! Then alcohol didnt seem to be working and I started taking illigal drugs and sleeping about with different lads.
I then found out I was pregnant and stopped the drugs and alcohol my son is now 5 and I have done so well to keep clean. But in past year or so all the memorys have come back im fighting everyday to keep on straight and narrow for my son and its him thats keeping me alive. I did try killing my self number of times but failed!!!!
What can I do to get on with life and forget my past stop it ruiening my future?????
Anyone please HELP!!!!!!

It seems you do could do with some help to cope and Therapy may be the answer to get beyond your past abuse, start by a visit to your Doctor and ask if he could refer you to someone you can talk it out with.You have been through a lot ,now it is time to put it into the past.it is your thoughts that are hurting you, this sounds very simple but it can work, when you get the negative thoughts about what happened to you, think about it for 5 minutes, time it, then say" thats it ,I have done my obsessing for the day,' and distract your self, get busy, other positive thoughts maybe about having a great child or anything thats going on in that day,keep it to moments at a time,when the thoughts pop back in do the same give it a minute and move on.Positive self help talk will help, when you are tempted into any old negative ways, say No and think of your child.There is help out there , keep in touch and let us know how it goes

It seems you do could do with some help to cope and Therapy may be the answer to get beyond your past abuse, start by a visit to your Doctor and ask if he could refer you to someone you can talk it out with.You have been through a lot ,now it is time to put it into the past.it is your thoughts that are hurting you, this sounds very simple but it can work, when you get the negative thoughts about what happened to you, think about it for 5 minutes, time it, then say" thats it ,I have done my obsessing for the day,' and distract your self, get busy, other positive thoughts maybe about having a great child or anything thats going on in that day,keep it to moments at a time,when the thoughts pop back in do the same give it a minute and move on.Positive self help talk will help, when you are tempted into any old negative ways, say No and think of your child.There is help out there , keep in touch and let us know how it goes

I too was sexually abused by a neighbor, as well as being a victim of incest, and raped at 17, and I can not tell you how to get over it, but I can tell you how I got through it. I had no miracle cure, but what I did have was the desire to control my own life. Like you, my parents were never around. However, they did find out about the incest, but that was something you did not talk about. So, what got me through it, was my determination not to let these people control my life. I knew it would be real easy to drown my anger in a bottle of booze, or by taking drugs to dull the pain, but that would mean they won, and I would be damned if I was going to let them win. Yes, it is hard and yes, I had some really bad days, and yes it was hard to ever trust a man, but I knew if I were ever going to have a normal life, I had to let go of my past and give people a chance. So, I pushed myself through the bad times, and I met a man that was willing to stand by me even when it became to much to handle. There were nights when we first got together that I couldn't stand for him to touch me, and other nights when I would literally beat him up in my sleep, but he would just wake me up and hold me until I was able to go back to sleep. It didn't happen over night, but when I made up my mind to take control of my life, I did not let anything stop me. If bad memories crept in my brain, I would just fought them off and replaced them with good thoughts. Eventually, the good things started taking over the bad and I was able to move forward with my life. As for the man I married, we have been together for 27 years now. As for my parents, my dad passed away 9 years ago so I really never got to discuss it with him, but about a month ago, I finally got really upset over what one of my uncles was doing to my daughter, and I blew up at my mother and told her the whole thing, and she was so upset that I felt that I could not turn to her when I was hurting so bad. So, I guess I really have no advice on how to help you get through it, but hopefully I gave you hope that you can have a normal life no matter what happened in your past.

I too was sexually abused by a neighbor, as well as being a victim of incest, and raped at 17, and I can not tell you how to get over it, but I can tell you how I got through it. I had no miracle cure, but what I did have was the desire to control my own life. Like you, my parents were never around. However, they did find out about the incest, but that was something you did not talk about. So, what got me through it, was my determination not to let these people control my life. I knew it would be real easy to drown my anger in a bottle of booze, or by taking drugs to dull the pain, but that would mean they won, and I would be damned if I was going to let them win. Yes, it is hard and yes, I had some really bad days, and yes it was hard to ever trust a man, but I knew if I were ever going to have a normal life, I had to let go of my past and give people a chance. So, I pushed myself through the bad times, and I met a man that was willing to stand by me even when it became to much to handle. There were nights when we first got together that I couldn't stand for him to touch me, and other nights when I would literally beat him up in my sleep, but he would just wake me up and hold me until I was able to go back to sleep. It didn't happen over night, but when I made up my mind to take control of my life, I did not let anything stop me. If bad memories crept in my brain, I would just fought them off and replaced them with good thoughts. Eventually, the good things started taking over the bad and I was able to move forward with my life. As for the man I married, we have been together for 27 years now. As for my parents, my dad passed away 9 years ago so I really never got to discuss it with him, but about a month ago, I finally got really upset over what one of my uncles was doing to my daughter, and I blew up at my mother and told her the whole thing, and she was so upset that I felt that I could not turn to her when I was hurting so bad. So, I guess I really have no advice on how to help you get through it, but hopefully I gave you hope that you can have a normal life no matter what happened in your past.

The only thing that I have found that helps is reading the Bible and praying to God for help. You can trust and believe that the abusers will pay when their day comes. If you turn it over to God he can take care of them alot better than we can.

The only thing that I have found that helps is reading the Bible and praying to God for help. You can trust and believe that the abusers will pay when their day comes. If you turn it over to God he can take care of them alot better than we can.

I have found help through helping people and amimals. This teaches me about love.

I have been helped by teachers, therapists, and therapists. You need validation,working through the feelings, and to learn that it wasnot your faul and that you are worthy of love. You willlearn what you need most, however. You will find your way, No one here can tell you how to do it exactly, but we can teach you by telling you that we have found some ways, and that we are better. It is not easy, but we can trust some. We must be careful. take care ofy ourself-nutrition, exercise, propersleep. etc. These help the soul,as well as thebody. Socialize in safeways, especially group therapy can be helpful for some.

I have found help through helping people and amimals. This teaches me about love.

I have been helped by teachers, therapists, and therapists. You need validation,working through the feelings, and to learn that it wasnot your faul and that you are worthy of love. You willlearn what you need most, however. You will find your way, No one here can tell you how to do it exactly, but we can teach you by telling you that we have found some ways, and that we are better. It is not easy, but we can trust some. We must be careful. take care ofy ourself-nutrition, exercise, propersleep. etc. These help the soul,as well as thebody. Socialize in safeways, especially group therapy can be helpful for some.

When I was fourteen, my stepfather sexually molested me. I tried to make my mother believe me...but she didn't, she was, and still, is an alcoholic, she decided she would rather stay with him, even after I called the police and begged her to believe me. I ran away a few days later to live with my nan and now, a year later I feel slightly better. Ever since running away, I bearly have a single hour where I don't think about it, when the thoughts don't enter my head when I wish I could of changed something, done something, proved something. I have a courtcase 2 months to this day and I feel that hopefully the thoughts will leave my head when it all finishes, so to all you that have answers, please help me too. My sisters (both) went through the same thing at the same age's and my mum did the exact same thing with different step dads and didn't listen to them so they ran away to my dad but my dad used to beat me up as a child so I couldn't live there, all of my mums boyfriends have been pedophiles or druggies and yet she still believes she is in the right. What used to help me was when ever I started to think about the thoughts, I would SCREAM as loud as possible in my head about something else, anything no matter how futile, like the first thing you see until the thought vanishes. I hope that you can get on with your life and I am inspired by how far you have got. You are certainly a trooper, peace.

When I was fourteen, my stepfather sexually molested me. I tried to make my mother believe me...but she didn't, she was, and still, is an alcoholic, she decided she would rather stay with him, even after I called the police and begged her to believe me. I ran away a few days later to live with my nan and now, a year later I feel slightly better. Ever since running away, I bearly have a single hour where I don't think about it, when the thoughts don't enter my head when I wish I could of changed something, done something, proved something. I have a courtcase 2 months to this day and I feel that hopefully the thoughts will leave my head when it all finishes, so to all you that have answers, please help me too. My sisters (both) went through the same thing at the same age's and my mum did the exact same thing with different step dads and didn't listen to them so they ran away to my dad but my dad used to beat me up as a child so I couldn't live there, all of my mums boyfriends have been pedophiles or druggies and yet she still believes she is in the right. What used to help me was when ever I started to think about the thoughts, I would SCREAM as loud as possible in my head about something else, anything no matter how futile, like the first thing you see until the thought vanishes. I hope that you can get on with your life and I am inspired by how far you have got. You are certainly a trooper, peace.

this is an old thread , the members who answered may not be here . You have to realise non of this was your fault you say you wish you could have changed something' well yes of course but now you cannot ,did you ever manage to get some counselling that may help you. Your childhood was not your fault ,many childhood victims feel guilty and come to realise it wasnt their fault it was the perpetrators, do you see any of them now ? You say something telling that you can control about the thoughts ... I do know very often it is our thoughts that make us feel bad...If you try to curb the negative thoughts you will feel better , when you find yourself going there distract yourself, focus on something else ,I know it sounds too simple but its worth trying. you have made a frist step telling us some of your story ,Good luck

this is an old thread , the members who answered may not be here . You have to realise non of this was your fault you say you wish you could have changed something' well yes of course but now you cannot ,did you ever manage to get some counselling that may help you. Your childhood was not your fault ,many childhood victims feel guilty and come to realise it wasnt their fault it was the perpetrators, do you see any of them now ? You say something telling that you can control about the thoughts ... I do know very often it is our thoughts that make us feel bad...If you try to curb the negative thoughts you will feel better , when you find yourself going there distract yourself, focus on something else ,I know it sounds too simple but its worth trying. you have made a frist step telling us some of your story ,Good luck

Hello, I am a 15 year old girl. I was 10 or 11 when my dad touched me inappropriately. I was scared and didn't know what to do, who to tell, or weather it was worth bringing up. he did it while I was sleeping so he thought I was but I woke up when he touched. I am scared for life. I just told my therapist and my mom. They(my parents) were getting a divorce before I told her but now I wont ever have to see him unless I feel comfortable. I am scared every time I see or talk or get an e-mail from him. I feel like crying but I never can. I haven’t cried in 2 weeks I’m afraid I have stopped crying for good:( Idk what to do, I will try what you all have suggested, and I will be praying. I am a Baptist. I will never truly hate my dad but I will never love him either. PEACE and HAPPINESS to ALL!

Hello, I am a 15 year old girl. I was 10 or 11 when my dad touched me inappropriately. I was scared and didn't know what to do, who to tell, or weather it was worth bringing up. he did it while I was sleeping so he thought I was but I woke up when he touched. I am scared for life. I just told my therapist and my mom. They(my parents) were getting a divorce before I told her but now I wont ever have to see him unless I feel comfortable. I am scared every time I see or talk or get an e-mail from him. I feel like crying but I never can. I haven’t cried in 2 weeks I’m afraid I have stopped crying for good:( Idk what to do, I will try what you all have suggested, and I will be praying. I am a Baptist. I will never truly hate my dad but I will never love him either. PEACE and HAPPINESS to ALL!

It could be that some therapy would help you face what happened to you, I am sorry it shouldnt happene to any child ..but it does, talking it through can help, instead of keeping inside you its a relief to speak it out, you have started some healing by coming here to us ,this is an old thread but if you want to caht further, you may PM anyone or start a new thread with your experiences, that will also help others . If you are scared of him I doubt that you have to ,see him..You have your whole life ahead, none of this was your fault he was the perpetrator ,you will learn to accept that it happened that it is in the past, you wont forget it but you will learn to live with it.. When you find your thoughts dwelling upon it, try to distract your self from them, think of something else , fill your life with good things, friends, fun, sports ,school ,it will come back into your head ,you will learn to turn it off so it doesnt consume you ..let us know how you are doing ....good luck

It could be that some therapy would help you face what happened to you, I am sorry it shouldnt happene to any child ..but it does, talking it through can help, instead of keeping inside you its a relief to speak it out, you have started some healing by coming here to us ,this is an old thread but if you want to caht further, you may PM anyone or start a new thread with your experiences, that will also help others . If you are scared of him I doubt that you have to ,see him..You have your whole life ahead, none of this was your fault he was the perpetrator ,you will learn to accept that it happened that it is in the past, you wont forget it but you will learn to live with it.. When you find your thoughts dwelling upon it, try to distract your self from them, think of something else , fill your life with good things, friends, fun, sports ,school ,it will come back into your head ,you will learn to turn it off so it doesnt consume you ..let us know how you are doing ....good luck

I am a Thomas and a Thomas never forgets anything.We moved around a lot grownin up my daddy abused us I mean beat us down n he drank.!!! We moved city to city state to state to get away from him but always ended up with him.During that time I remember when I was 7 we was living In a shelter n I would go next door to another shelter to c my new found friend her brother 12 use to touch my private part everytime I go over there he never would let me go I wanted to leave the room me and his sister was playing tee n he kept callin her out the room I mean in a shelter come on now really. It reminded me of when I was 5 when we moved in wit my aunt my cousin did the same thing he'll touch me ill touch him he was giving me toys I get tired try and run away he'll hand me another toy. Now he comin to me til this day askin to **** a lot more about him but **** him...then we went back home to my dad left again went by my grandmo house another cousin tried well did rape me we was struggling real bad ppl was treating.g my mom n us bad stealing eating our food everything my other cousin I was sayin..now I loved my family n my daddy kept us in the dark cause of his life experience my cousin was like I want to tell you something but u might get mad n tell somebody n I was like no I won't n he told me he liked me and it was some things he wanted to do to me I was 8 at the time I'm like ok yada yada yada n he told me to lay on the floor he gone dry hump me so I was scared I said no first he said just give me 30sec begging me it got down to 15sec I said ok then I got on the floor n let him get on top of me I was counting n I tried to get up he wouldn't let me he was holding me down I made a sound he let me go then he wanted me to kiss him I didn't want to but I did I left my grandmo house went home we stayed behind my grandmo house I left cause she resented my mama n her kids didn't want us over there so I left before she made it back home. So he would come by my mama house my cousins n them would come by our house n eat up all our food (pain anger kill a ***** feelings) so my cousin knew we didn't have no good he would bring some food over and say if you let me hump u ill let u have it so I did it I didn't won't to but I was hungry **** he would come in out of no where watch me while I change take a bath until I was 14 so my couisn he would come over to hump me he would feel on my private part every chance he got til he finally rape me I no u may think I'm stupid I could've told somebody but I was already damaged from some **** that happen before if I told I would b dead listening to the rest of my story now my ppl hate me n everybody else wana **** n back having other issues.

I am a Thomas and a Thomas never forgets anything.We moved around a lot grownin up my daddy abused us I mean beat us down n he drank.!!! We moved city to city state to state to get away from him but always ended up with him.During that time I remember when I was 7 we was living In a shelter n I would go next door to another shelter to c my new found friend her brother 12 use to touch my private part everytime I go over there he never would let me go I wanted to leave the room me and his sister was playing tee n he kept callin her out the room I mean in a shelter come on now really. It reminded me of when I was 5 when we moved in wit my aunt my cousin did the same thing he'll touch me ill touch him he was giving me toys I get tired try and run away he'll hand me another toy. Now he comin to me til this day askin to **** a lot more about him but **** him...then we went back home to my dad left again went by my grandmo house another cousin tried well did rape me we was struggling real bad ppl was treating.g my mom n us bad stealing eating our food everything my other cousin I was sayin..now I loved my family n my daddy kept us in the dark cause of his life experience my cousin was like I want to tell you something but u might get mad n tell somebody n I was like no I won't n he told me he liked me and it was some things he wanted to do to me I was 8 at the time I'm like ok yada yada yada n he told me to lay on the floor he gone dry hump me so I was scared I said no first he said just give me 30sec begging me it got down to 15sec I said ok then I got on the floor n let him get on top of me I was counting n I tried to get up he wouldn't let me he was holding me down I made a sound he let me go then he wanted me to kiss him I didn't want to but I did I left my grandmo house went home we stayed behind my grandmo house I left cause she resented my mama n her kids didn't want us over there so I left before she made it back home. So he would come by my mama house my cousins n them would come by our house n eat up all our food (pain anger kill a ***** feelings) so my cousin knew we didn't have no good he would bring some food over and say if you let me hump u ill let u have it so I did it I didn't won't to but I was hungry **** he would come in out of no where watch me while I change take a bath until I was 14 so my couisn he would come over to hump me he would feel on my private part every chance he got til he finally rape me I no u may think I'm stupid I could've told somebody but I was already damaged from some **** that happen before if I told I would b dead listening to the rest of my story now my ppl hate me n everybody else wana **** n back having other issues.

awww Rare Pearl ,what a pretty name ., we dont think you are stupid we think the perpetrators are.... it wasn't your fault it was them if it hadnt been you it would be other girls.May I ask how your life is doing now are you working a place of your own, any friends? I am glad you have put your story here on Me Help it helps others..It is also good to be able to speak it out...Most folks seem to have had some kind of abuse in their lives either them or a relative ..it hurts but you get beyond it, it strengthens you,focus on the positive in your life ..

awww Rare Pearl ,what a pretty name ., we dont think you are stupid we think the perpetrators are.... it wasn't your fault it was them if it hadnt been you it would be other girls.May I ask how your life is doing now are you working a place of your own, any friends? I am glad you have put your story here on Me Help it helps others..It is also good to be able to speak it out...Most folks seem to have had some kind of abuse in their lives either them or a relative ..it hurts but you get beyond it, it strengthens you,focus on the positive in your life ..

I was hoping someone could help me. I've been having some problems lately, nothing too bad, I can survive fine. I just feel bad and guilty. Bad for letting it scare me, and guilty cause I believe it's partially my fault. Most people would say what happened when I was seven wasn't traumatic, and that's partially true. I didn't think about it much after what happened then, but I did a few years later. I guess the term would be m*******ion. My former next door neighbor was a year older than me or so. Maybe he was younger, it was a difference of about a year I think. He was a brat, but I don't believe he knew the severity of what he did, as if he were older, he would..I remember he and I were watching our sisters play a game. I don't remember anything I could've said or done to make the next thought cross his mind, but he leaned towards me and whispered, "Get n****." I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just said something like, "No! That's creepy." He didn't ask me again, but he followed me as I went to the side of my house. Then, that's when he pinned me down, and began trying to take off my clothes. I don't think I yelled or screamed or anything, I just remember pleading with him to get off of me. Probably within about two minutes or so, I managed to overpower him, and I ran into my home, telling no one. Not until I was fifteen. When I was (and still am fifteen) my ex-boyfriend, (let's just call him a friend. I still have a soft spot for him.) He went up to me and said he had something important to tell me. (This was after school one day.) He said I wouldn't want to hear it, but I said if it was important, I should know..whether I like it or not. He told me this one guy ( a twenty-one year old mentally impaired student) wanted (or was going to, somehow I forget) to r*** me. I got nervous about it. Sure, he was twenty one, "but he was special ed. He doesn't know what he's talking about." I told myself. Looking back on it, I was probably right, but I didn't want to take any risks, not after the horrid nightmares I began having when I was around twelve or so. Also, I doubted that there could be any way to overpower him, if a situation, like with the other boy, were to come up. My friend told the principal about the boy harassing me, and she had him banned from the lobby, or anywhere near me for that matter. I will forever be grateful to Jacob for that, no matter what he's done, which brings me to, hopefully, my final story. This one is more sad and pathetic on my part. I was over at my exboyfriend's house. He smiled and leaned in to kiss me, so I let him. After all, he was my boyfriend, and there's nothing wrong with that. He had his hand on my shoulder, and quickly, not feeling necessarily deliberately, landed on an inappropriate part of my body. I felt my heart stop for a moment. I thought, "Was that an accident? I'm sure it was. He'd never do anything like that to hurt me," but he did. I thought maybe I was being paranoid and had imagined it, so I kept my eyes closed, believing what I had wanted to believe, and I let him kiss me still. (This probably made him think that was alright of him to do later.) Then I felt him more grabbing that part until it hurt, actually physically, mentally, and emotionally. I opened my eyes right then and looked down to see his hand there. I asked, "What are you doing?" Not wanting to accuse him immediately, in case it was an accident. He said he was sorry and that it was an accident. His apology and statement seemed genuine, even after how clear it was that it wasn't an accident. It happened twice on separate occasions, and he told me the same thing, that it was an accident. Later, months later, he admitted that the first time was an accident, and that he was threatened/pressured to by a kid in his math class. I said to him that he could've just said he did if he really felt threatened, and just not actually do it, and he told me that that was what he was planning to do, but I guess something changed his mind. I started feeling that maybe he only loved me for my body. That isn't real love. He always wanted to push me farther than I wanted to go. I said I didn't want him to kiss me as much and stuff as he wanted to, and when I said I didn't want him to, he made me feel like I did something wrong, like I denied him of something. He toyed with me..I just did not want to believe it. Also, whenever we'd go somewhere to be alone, he normally took that as permission that he could kiss me, when I just wanted to talk to him. The sad thing is sometimes I let him kiss me more than I wanted him to. I'd push him back, but he just kept on kissing me, and when I couldn't take it anymore (even though all he did was kiss me) I'd beg him to stop, and then he would. Honestly, though, even after all he did, I don't believe he's a bad guy. He's not sinister. After all, he's just a kid (we're both fifteen) and kids make mistakes. At least after he molested me, I did him a favor and didn't let my parents or his parents know. I spared him some of the guilt. I know he felt bad enough for what he did, and that guilt alone was more than he deserved. I think he did love me for who I am, though. Maybe it's a foolish notion, but he was almost always very patient with me. Whenever I felt badly, he'd just hold me in his arms and tell me everything would be alright. It sounds really messed up, still having feelings for the boy who touched me..but if anyone else knew how he was before, I think they'd understand. I left him. I feel guilty for leaving him..I feel like somehow this is all my fault.....I need help..

I was hoping someone could help me. I've been having some problems lately, nothing too bad, I can survive fine. I just feel bad and guilty. Bad for letting it scare me, and guilty cause I believe it's partially my fault. Most people would say what happened when I was seven wasn't traumatic, and that's partially true. I didn't think about it much after what happened then, but I did a few years later. I guess the term would be m*******ion. My former next door neighbor was a year older than me or so. Maybe he was younger, it was a difference of about a year I think. He was a brat, but I don't believe he knew the severity of what he did, as if he were older, he would..I remember he and I were watching our sisters play a game. I don't remember anything I could've said or done to make the next thought cross his mind, but he leaned towards me and whispered, "Get n****." I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just said something like, "No! That's creepy." He didn't ask me again, but he followed me as I went to the side of my house. Then, that's when he pinned me down, and began trying to take off my clothes. I don't think I yelled or screamed or anything, I just remember pleading with him to get off of me. Probably within about two minutes or so, I managed to overpower him, and I ran into my home, telling no one. Not until I was fifteen. When I was (and still am fifteen) my ex-boyfriend, (let's just call him a friend. I still have a soft spot for him.) He went up to me and said he had something important to tell me. (This was after school one day.) He said I wouldn't want to hear it, but I said if it was important, I should know..whether I like it or not. He told me this one guy ( a twenty-one year old mentally impaired student) wanted (or was going to, somehow I forget) to r*** me. I got nervous about it. Sure, he was twenty one, "but he was special ed. He doesn't know what he's talking about." I told myself. Looking back on it, I was probably right, but I didn't want to take any risks, not after the horrid nightmares I began having when I was around twelve or so. Also, I doubted that there could be any way to overpower him, if a situation, like with the other boy, were to come up. My friend told the principal about the boy harassing me, and she had him banned from the lobby, or anywhere near me for that matter. I will forever be grateful to Jacob for that, no matter what he's done, which brings me to, hopefully, my final story. This one is more sad and pathetic on my part. I was over at my exboyfriend's house. He smiled and leaned in to kiss me, so I let him. After all, he was my boyfriend, and there's nothing wrong with that. He had his hand on my shoulder, and quickly, not feeling necessarily deliberately, landed on an inappropriate part of my body. I felt my heart stop for a moment. I thought, "Was that an accident? I'm sure it was. He'd never do anything like that to hurt me," but he did. I thought maybe I was being paranoid and had imagined it, so I kept my eyes closed, believing what I had wanted to believe, and I let him kiss me still. (This probably made him think that was alright of him to do later.) Then I felt him more grabbing that part until it hurt, actually physically, mentally, and emotionally. I opened my eyes right then and looked down to see his hand there. I asked, "What are you doing?" Not wanting to accuse him immediately, in case it was an accident. He said he was sorry and that it was an accident. His apology and statement seemed genuine, even after how clear it was that it wasn't an accident. It happened twice on separate occasions, and he told me the same thing, that it was an accident. Later, months later, he admitted that the first time was an accident, and that he was threatened/pressured to by a kid in his math class. I said to him that he could've just said he did if he really felt threatened, and just not actually do it, and he told me that that was what he was planning to do, but I guess something changed his mind. I started feeling that maybe he only loved me for my body. That isn't real love. He always wanted to push me farther than I wanted to go. I said I didn't want him to kiss me as much and stuff as he wanted to, and when I said I didn't want him to, he made me feel like I did something wrong, like I denied him of something. He toyed with me..I just did not want to believe it. Also, whenever we'd go somewhere to be alone, he normally took that as permission that he could kiss me, when I just wanted to talk to him. The sad thing is sometimes I let him kiss me more than I wanted him to. I'd push him back, but he just kept on kissing me, and when I couldn't take it anymore (even though all he did was kiss me) I'd beg him to stop, and then he would. Honestly, though, even after all he did, I don't believe he's a bad guy. He's not sinister. After all, he's just a kid (we're both fifteen) and kids make mistakes. At least after he molested me, I did him a favor and didn't let my parents or his parents know. I spared him some of the guilt. I know he felt bad enough for what he did, and that guilt alone was more than he deserved. I think he did love me for who I am, though. Maybe it's a foolish notion, but he was almost always very patient with me. Whenever I felt badly, he'd just hold me in his arms and tell me everything would be alright. It sounds really messed up, still having feelings for the boy who touched me..but if anyone else knew how he was before, I think they'd understand. I left him. I feel guilty for leaving him..I feel like somehow this is all my fault.....I need help..

Hey im new to this app so i just saw this post but I wanted to weigh in. I was raped from ages 5-10 by my at the time step dad. My brother was the one who had the hunch things werent right&said something to my mom. At the time being 10 i was so scared and wanted things back to normal all i told was he touched me. Seeing as how thats all i said I never got the accurate counseling. When I was 14 going through hormone stages I remember being depressed, i shrugged it away. Again not taking care of actual problem. Finally at 18 after i graduated i lived w my brother &his newly wed wife. I opened up to her very quickly&for once finally talked/told everything that happened. Once i finally was able to talk and accept everything, life became alot easier :) after a trauma like this you HAVE go have proper healing otherwise it wont heal itself. Stay strong & if your still on this message board feel free to direct message me. Im now a college graduate of child psychology &want to help children. I feel u cant help a child if u have never walked in their shoes. So what better person to be there for them, then someone who has been through it herself

Hey im new to this app so i just saw this post but I wanted to weigh in. I was raped from ages 5-10 by my at the time step dad. My brother was the one who had the hunch things werent right&said something to my mom. At the time being 10 i was so scared and wanted things back to normal all i told was he touched me. Seeing as how thats all i said I never got the accurate counseling. When I was 14 going through hormone stages I remember being depressed, i shrugged it away. Again not taking care of actual problem. Finally at 18 after i graduated i lived w my brother &his newly wed wife. I opened up to her very quickly&for once finally talked/told everything that happened. Once i finally was able to talk and accept everything, life became alot easier :) after a trauma like this you HAVE go have proper healing otherwise it wont heal itself. Stay strong & if your still on this message board feel free to direct message me. Im now a college graduate of child psychology &want to help children. I feel u cant help a child if u have never walked in their shoes. So what better person to be there for them, then someone who has been through it herself

When i was a child, my Uncle used to sexually abuse me. I can't remember the age it started, it had been going on for as long as i could remember. He lives with my Nan & Grandad. When I was a child in primary school, we used to always go to my Nan & Grandad's house after school. He used to lure me upstairs, "i"ve got new trainers, do you want to see them". That was what i remember, or i'd be out in the hallway taking my shoes off (where the stairs were) and he'd try and get me to come up, although sort of having hold of my wrist at the same time. He wasn't mean about it, that's the thing. He never beat me or said nasty things. For ages i was unsure of whether it was abuse or not. But how it left me feeling after, i knew it wasn't right. I knew to never mention it to friends or anything, because i knew that it wasn't normal to be touched by your Uncle. But it was like he had no fear. I remember once, everyone was in the living room. He sat me on his lap and subtly pulled a blanket over my body after a comment of "you feel cold". He then undid my jean button and put his hand down my knickers. In front of everyone. I was so scared. I'm not really sure how no one didn't notice anything. I'd be making a drink in the kitchen sometimes and he'd come behind me and rub himself against me, anyone could have walked in. When i stayed at my Nans house once i was sitting on the sofa watching tv, he came and sit on the floor infront of me and put my feet on his penis and was making my feet rub him up and down. I didn't like to stay at my Nans anymore after that. As i got older i began to refuse him, say no i am not coming upstairs. I was once upstairs in the loo and i was about 15. His room is right next to the bathroom. He called me, i put my head in the door and he was sat with his penis out and he pulled a condom out. He said "this is for when you're a bit older" and put the condom on. I just walked out. That scared me. I thought i had control of the situation, but clearly i didn't at all. All my relationships have never worked out. Because after a while the guys want to be sexual and expect sex. So i get scared and end it. I was with a guy for 2 and a half years. I'd known him for 6. We met as friends. He was amazing. He didn't pressure me into anything. But as a normal human being in a relationship, he would kiss me, try to touch me and stuff. We had many arguments about sex. He would ask when will i ever be ready and stuff and i felt as though i was holding him back. The same argument happened many times, including my 21st birthday. Its the thoughts, that come into my head when i'm in that situation. I just imagined my Uncle trying to put himself inside me, humping me and doing all sorts. I learnt about things in the wrong way, and much too soon. And now, i shy away from sexual activities. I seek a non-sexual relationship, but obviously, that's hard to find. I ended it with my ex. And its shattering. He meant everything to me. I was and am still so in love with him. We went through a lot of hard times together, including me losing 2 of my uncles and my brother being dangerously ill. Everytime i'm stressed it all comes back. I get bad migraines and then i drink instead of taking pills sometimes and then bad thoughts come into my head of my past, and i just let then creep in and infect me. I feel i have no way to go. I don't want to shatter my family. I love them a lot. Also i have a Nephew who is 4. I wouldn't my brother to think i have thoughts of harming children because i went through it, because i don't. I never would. But there's a chance he'd be scared of that happening, and may stop me from seeing his son. I feel i just have to get on with it. I have bad insomnia, i feel i'm verging on an alcohol issue. Because these memories have become more frequent in my mind, especially as i have become older and been involved in sexual relationships. I drink to deal with it. It numbs you. Sometimes i feel i could talk to a therapist, sometimes i don't feel i could. I just have no idea what to do. I feel lost.

When i was a child, my Uncle used to sexually abuse me. I can't remember the age it started, it had been going on for as long as i could remember. He lives with my Nan & Grandad. When I was a child in primary school, we used to always go to my Nan & Grandad's house after school. He used to lure me upstairs, "i"ve got new trainers, do you want to see them". That was what i remember, or i'd be out in the hallway taking my shoes off (where the stairs were) and he'd try and get me to come up, although sort of having hold of my wrist at the same time. He wasn't mean about it, that's the thing. He never beat me or said nasty things. For ages i was unsure of whether it was abuse or not. But how it left me feeling after, i knew it wasn't right. I knew to never mention it to friends or anything, because i knew that it wasn't normal to be touched by your Uncle. But it was like he had no fear. I remember once, everyone was in the living room. He sat me on his lap and subtly pulled a blanket over my body after a comment of "you feel cold". He then undid my jean button and put his hand down my knickers. In front of everyone. I was so scared. I'm not really sure how no one didn't notice anything. I'd be making a drink in the kitchen sometimes and he'd come behind me and rub himself against me, anyone could have walked in. When i stayed at my Nans house once i was sitting on the sofa watching tv, he came and sit on the floor infront of me and put my feet on his penis and was making my feet rub him up and down. I didn't like to stay at my Nans anymore after that. As i got older i began to refuse him, say no i am not coming upstairs. I was once upstairs in the loo and i was about 15. His room is right next to the bathroom. He called me, i put my head in the door and he was sat with his penis out and he pulled a condom out. He said "this is for when you're a bit older" and put the condom on. I just walked out. That scared me. I thought i had control of the situation, but clearly i didn't at all. All my relationships have never worked out. Because after a while the guys want to be sexual and expect sex. So i get scared and end it. I was with a guy for 2 and a half years. I'd known him for 6. We met as friends. He was amazing. He didn't pressure me into anything. But as a normal human being in a relationship, he would kiss me, try to touch me and stuff. We had many arguments about sex. He would ask when will i ever be ready and stuff and i felt as though i was holding him back. The same argument happened many times, including my 21st birthday. Its the thoughts, that come into my head when i'm in that situation. I just imagined my Uncle trying to put himself inside me, humping me and doing all sorts. I learnt about things in the wrong way, and much too soon. And now, i shy away from sexual activities. I seek a non-sexual relationship, but obviously, that's hard to find. I ended it with my ex. And its shattering. He meant everything to me. I was and am still so in love with him. We went through a lot of hard times together, including me losing 2 of my uncles and my brother being dangerously ill. Everytime i'm stressed it all comes back. I get bad migraines and then i drink instead of taking pills sometimes and then bad thoughts come into my head of my past, and i just let then creep in and infect me. I feel i have no way to go. I don't want to shatter my family. I love them a lot. Also i have a Nephew who is 4. I wouldn't my brother to think i have thoughts of harming children because i went through it, because i don't. I never would. But there's a chance he'd be scared of that happening, and may stop me from seeing his son. I feel i just have to get on with it. I have bad insomnia, i feel i'm verging on an alcohol issue. Because these memories have become more frequent in my mind, especially as i have become older and been involved in sexual relationships. I drink to deal with it. It numbs you. Sometimes i feel i could talk to a therapist, sometimes i don't feel i could. I just have no idea what to do. I feel lost.

When I was a child a neighbour boy used to sexually abuse me I never told anyone my mam was always at work and my dad was always drunk.
Then at 15 I was raped I did go to the police about this no one was every caught and it felt like no one believed me. My parents shipped me off to my Sisters to live and I turned to alcohol to block out the memories and pain I was so alone!! Then alcohol didnt seem to be working and I started taking illigal drugs and sleeping about with different lads.
I then found out I was pregnant and stopped the drugs and alcohol my son is now 5 and I have done so well to keep clean. But in past year or so all the memorys have come back im fighting everyday to keep on straight and narrow for my son and its him thats keeping me alive. I did try killing my self number of times but failed!!!!
What can I do to get on with life and forget my past stop it ruiening my future?????
Anyone please HELP!!!!!!

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