Where nothing is everything

My favorites from Digg’s “100 Top Weird News Stories of 2009″

The year is almost up. There’s been a lot of big things that happened this year. From Bernie Madoff to Michael Jackson to a plane landing in the Hudson. 2009 will be looked back on for many things, some of them a little odd. Digg compiled their top 100 odd stories from the year. Some were funny, others disturbing, all of them weird. Here were my favorites.

#99 “I’m too fat to work”

An English family has been out of work for 12 years. Why won’t anyone hire them, you ask? Because they’re not looking for work. They have been receiving $36,000 a year from the government because they say they’re too fat to work. Now they say it isn’t enough.

This is them. Too fat to work? More like too lazy and entitled.

This could be the most ridiculous and lazy way to go through life that I’ve ever seen. It’s not like they’re so big that they can’t fit through their front door. Get a job at a call center or something you lazy buffoons!

#86 “Angry Star Wars fans finally get Tauntaun sleeping bag”

On April 1st, a company started advertising a sleeping bag in the shape of a Tauntaun from Return of the Jedi. It was complete with graphics of intestines on the inside. When hundreds of people who tried to order it found out it was a April Fool’s joke, they flooded the company website with complaints.

And I thought they smelled bad on the outside

Seeing that there actually was a market for geeks to buy a sleeping bag that would let them recreate their favorite Luke-stuffed-in-a-disemboweled-Taunraun moment, they decided to produce it. The placated fans then forgot about how pissed they were and happily ordered a product to guarantee the continuity of their virginity.

#70 “Woman bites lover’s penis off in car crash”

I cringed just typing that headline. It was bad enough when Lorena Bobbit went crazy with a knife on her sleeping husband, but to have it happen during a very blissful moment? That would have to hold the record for the biggest swing from pleasure to terror in history. This poor guy in this case was on the receiving end of a little oral tomfoolery when a truck crashed into his parked car.

Get in, honey. If your brave enough...

The sudden jolt caused the man’s worst nightmare to come true. His female companion bit down, either out of shock or reflex, and gave him a quick and clean castration. *shiver*

#53 “Fake cop pulls over real cop”

Antonio Martinez of Oakland outfitted his Crown Vic with lights, a siren, and a loudspeaker. He then went cruising to look for someone to pull over. The police had suspected that he was looking for someone to rob. Of course, he could also be hoping that people will pay (or do) anything to get out of a ticket.

I'll let you go if you touch it

Antonio picked his victim and threw on the siren to pull them over. The car complied and pulled to the curb. Antonio got a little surprise however, when he approached the car and found out it was an undercover car with a couple of undercover cops therein. Whoops. He quickly went from fake cop to real prisoner.

#24 “No dating, just sex”

Forget Thailand. If you want to go somewhere to release all your suppressed energy, apparently New Zealand is the place to go. According to a survey and study, women in New Zealand have three times the global average as far number of sex partners. The survey also reports that 29% of men in New Zealand have been forced into a sexual encounter.

You're going to have sex with me. Deal with it!

Yeah, right. 29% seems awfully high to me. Chances are that even if a man isn’t really in the mood, he’s still going to go along with it. That’s how men are for the most part. So what’s going on in New Zealand? Maybe there’s something in the water, like ruhipnol.

#9 “Girl lies about tattoo”

A Belgian girl went to get a tattoo. Nothing unusual about that, right? Well, her tattoo choice was a little… odd.

You have something on your face. No... a little to the right.

This wouldn’t have been a story except for that the girl told her irate father that she fell asleep in the tattoo chair and the above example was the result. The father threatened to sue the tattoo artist and it made the papers. After many people questioned the ability to fall asleep while having a tattoo applied, the girl gave in and admitted that it was exactly what she ordered. She would have been better off telling her father she wanted the tattoo on her ass and the tattoo artist thought that’s what he was doing. (I’m probably going to hell for that one)

#5 “Thank you for bringing this to our attention”

Michelle Owens was angry at her ex-boyfriend. They were supposed to be together forever, but he ended it. So she took their laptop to the police because she thought he had downloaded child pornography and wanted to get him arrested. The police didn’t find any child porn, but what they did find was almost worse: videos of Michelle having sex with a dog.

This little guy was getting more action than you

It just goes to show you that revenge may not be all it’s cracked up to be.

The top three were all great, so I’m including all of them in this list.

#3 “Man paid to impregnate neighbor’s wife, fails 72 times”

A German couple was trying to conceive with no luck. After a doctor’s visit, the husband discovered he was sterile. Still wanting kids, he paid a neighbor who had two kids $2,500 to insemenate his wife. The man tried. He really, really tried. To the tune of 72 trysts with his neighbor’s wife. Unsuccessful, the man went to the doctor himself to find out why he couldn’t knock up the girl next door. Turns out, he was sterile too.

So it's a deal then. Just remember, I get to watch.

Sucks for him, except for the fact that he got to nail the neighbors wife to his heart’s content without repercussions. But remember, he already had two kids of his own. How could this happen to a sterile man? His wife eventually confessed that she long suspected that the kids were not her husband’s but the product of a lengthy affair several years earlier.

#2 “Never have your boss as a friend on Facebook”

People always go through times when they hate their jobs. I’ve seen it on Facebook numerous times. I assume, however, that the rants I see are by people who keep their personal and business lives separate. This British girl forgot that important rule.

Oops.

#1 “Girlfriend send angry email to vacationing boyfriend”

I remember seeing this on YouTube. It was hilarious. It’s kind of long, but worth it.

Awesome. For the complete list, head over to Asylum to check it out. there are about 90 more I didn’t mention, and they’re all funny or disturbing in one way or another.