What is domestic violence

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Some signs of an abusive relationship include:

Exerting strict control (financial, social and/or appearance).

Needing constant contact including excessive texts and calls.

Insulting a partner in front of other people.

Extreme jealousy.

Showing fear around a partner.

Isolation from family and friends.

Unexplained injuries or explanations that don’t quite add up.

How to help a friend or family member who may be abused

Reaching out to a friend, relative or co-worker you suspect is in abusive relationship can be difficult and emotionally challenging. The following are tips on how to start the conversation. It is helpful to talk to an advocate at your local domestic violence program. They can be reached through the statewide New Hampshire 24 hour support line at 1-866-644-3574. For those outside of New Hampshire, the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-7233.

Ask direct questions about the situation, gently. Give your friend time to talk. Ask again a few days later. Don’t rush into providing a solution.

Listen without judging. Your friend, relative or co-worker may believe the abuser’s negative messages. S/he may feel ashamed, inadequate, and afraid of being judged by you.

Explain that there’s never an excuse for physical violence in a relationship – not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressure, not depression, not jealousy…..not anything.

Do not confront the batterer, unless you are asked to by the victim. This may put the victim in more danger.

If the person remains in the relationship, continue to be a friend while firmly expressing your concern for her/his safety. Remember that, for many victims, leaving an abusive relationship can take time and may not happen right away.

Explain that domestic violence is a crime and that victims can seek protection from the police or courts.

Emphasize that when your friend is ready, she can make a choice to leave the relationship, and that help is available. Also emphasize that domestic violence tends to get worse and becomes more frequent with time, and that it does not go away on its own.

Phrases you can use to help

"I’m afraid for you." Tell your friend that you care and are concerned for her.

"I’m afraid for your children." Children can be harmed by being exposed to abuse and are also at risk of being physically abused.

"It will only get worse." Statistics show that domestic violence only gets worse and will occur more often over time.

"I’m here for you." Let your friend know you will be there when she or he needs you. No matter what they decide to do.

"You don’t deserve to be abused."The abuse is not your friend’s fault. No one deserved to be physically or emotionally abused.