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JERUSALEM TOUR: Malkah Area

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David Kilimnick
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English
… [More]and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties.
Contact: david@israelcomedy.com 972(50)875-5688
David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land.
Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David.
David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage. [Less]

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Teddy Stadium- Named after Teddy Kollek, one of Jerusalem’s mayors. That is a bad pun- Teddy Stadium and Teddy Kollek. Even Teddy Kollek High School, in Pisgat Ze’ev, is not called the Teddy Kollek school, but rather the Pisgat Ze’ev School. It is just a bad pun and not very funny.Located here, because the homes that he forced people out of in Mamila did not make for a big enough space for a stadium, even if they got rid of the street.
If you look in the stadium, you will find many years of sunflower seed shells. This shrine of sunflower seeds is also known as the largest site at Mini Israel, behind CocaCola, who funded it. Teddy is host to many football matches and even concerts by frum Jews who have been put in Chairim/excommunication, such as Shweky. You will notice no seats, behind the goal post, as it is pointless to sit there, when Beitar Jerusalem has not scored a goal in months.
Beitar football games. Football is also known as soccer in countries that don’t know how to play it. This is the perfect place to eat sunflower seeds. The greatest part of the football match is that you don’t have to throw out your trash. You are allowed to just drop it. If you are really lucky, you might be able to witness fireworks, shot at you, by the opposing team. You might even be able to witness many felons running free and shouting in one enclosed area.
There will be a crazy guy. Enjoy him. He is not harmful. He is a fan and he is shooting fireworks.
Now with the new highway and sports complex running through Teddy Stadium, the Malkah Mall area is a great destination to take pictures of Israeli traffic.

Malkah Mall- Named the Malkah Mall, because it is in the Malkah neighborhood, and that is a reason for a name. They were thinking of calling it the Baka mall, but Baka is somewhere else.
Tour guides generally use the Malkah mall to show tourists how Jerusalemites shop. Jerusalemites shop by purchasing stuff. This is generally seen when the tour guide says, ‘We are now in the mall, I will see you in two hours…’
You can also find an ancient Ark, from Manatova, Italy, housed in the mall. The ark is made of a gold leaf finish, and is the center of a small synagogue, right next to the tights and bikini shop. The most beautiful ark. It is not for sale. Nonetheless, many Jerusalemites migrate to this synagogue to pray for good deals. As the religious belief goes: The intention of bargaining is more important than the bargaining itself.
There was a movie theater. However now there is an H&M, as you cannot steal H&M off the internet.
The theater was created in 1993. Adding to its unfortunate demise was the concept of the ‘Hafsaka’- break, in which they would take a break from the movie, and keep it rolling as they stopped showing it, for a few minutes in the middle of the scene. They were going to stop with the Hafsakas at Israeli movies, but they realized that without the Hafsaka, the smell of smoke would not make into the theaters. The Hafsaka was created, as the Israeli bladder has shrunk over the years. You will also notice the many people peeing on the sides of the roads, and the lack of public toilets.
You will notice the lady standing right there, smoking, under the no-smoking sign.
You have two hours to do what you want. I am getting paid.

As you went through the mall, I hope you noticed the unique Jerusalem configuration of stores and a food court.
What makes it unique? Good question. What makes it unique is that the building is made out of limestone.

The Biblical Zoo (Tisch Family Biblical Zoo)- Known as the Biblical Zoo because of all the Biblical animals it houses, such as penguins.
The zoo is a great educational for the children. You can teach them how animals live when they are locked up. You can show them the penguins in a desert. Sharks on dry land. In a forest. And you can also show them kangaroos, in their natural habitat of Israel. And another only Jerusalem experience of a giraffe in a second story window.
Somehow there was a house that got there. Point is that you can learn a lot. I did not know this before I went to the zoo, but when lions are in a cage, they sleep. To give the illusion that the lion is alive, for the children, there is a speaker where you can hear somebody say, ‘Roar.’ I have brought up the educational value with the zoo faculty, and we do hope that they will have Israelis manning the lion exhibit soon. At which point we hope they make it a more native experience, as they change it from ‘roar’ to ‘arrrr.’
Many parents do lose their children at the Biblical Zoo, as there are taractic birds. An announcement you might hear every few minutes, ‘We have a parentless kid here. She is crying…No name, just crying. If we can ask her parents to please leave the taractic bird exhibit…We understand it is quite interesting…Taractic birds watch over their offspring, until they are old enough to go out on their own.’
I have heard people say, ‘She ran away.’ However, a two year old does not run away from home or parents. There are many irresponsible parents in the Malkah area.
A great place for dates, the Biblical Zoo is also an awkward place to run into your friends who got married and taking their children who are too young to date, to the same spot.
The sign says ‘Tisch,’ as that is to note that it is a non-profit organization. I guess the Tisch family bought the zoo too. The Tisch family is doing very well.

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