The King Of The Unsung Kitchen Skill Of Microwaving

Or that I didn't think that I could take it, 'cause it took so long to bake it,

Or that I'd never have that recipe again.

Oh, nooooooooooo!

Although those were certainly factors.

The reason I don't cook is because I don't see the point. It involves slaving over a hot stove for hours, and in the end, no one appreciates it one little bit. (Wow, did I just sound like my wife or what?)

Anyway, when I say I don't cook, I don't mean to suggest that I am incapable of whipping something up for myself when I have to.

I don't want to brag, but I am an accomplished -- in some circles acclaimed -- microwaver, my signature dish being the leftover.

Still, there is a difference between possessing this skill and actually cooking.

Cooking involves taking varied ingredients and putting them together in such a manner that not only tastes good but also results in no unpleasant side affects, like a slow painful death or, worse still, a case of the dreaded green-apple wind sprints.

That I am willing to admit that I have absolutely no cooking skills makes me fairly unique among men.

I'm not saying there aren't men who can cook, rather that most men have a much higher opinion of their cooking skills than is warranted.

The average male believes he has achieved four-star-chef status simply because he can turn red meat brown.

In truth, male prowess in the kitchen is a lot more like Dan Aykroyd's Julia Child than Emeril.

I think the main reason men do not take naturally to cooking is because the process involves adhering to recipes, and using a recipe is a lot like following directions.

Not only do men refrain from asking for directions, they don't much care for following them either.

When we are called upon to put something together, we usually just lay out all the parts and then try to get them to look like the picture.

This system works fine with furniture or kids' toys but not so well if the finished product is a souffle.

Which is why I still say that, as far as men in the kitchen go, the most significant breakthrough since the invention of self-starting charcoal is the microwave oven.

Now, if they could just tweak it a bit so you don't have to go out and buy a new one every time somebody -- no names -- leaves a spoon in the soup bowl ...