'The comment from my online date that left me crushed'

By Anonymous| 1 year ago

I tried internet dating this week. Yes, I know, I am a bit behind the times, but there you go.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure where to start and so I chatted to a girlfriend and she gave me a few suggestions. After a little trawling, I logged onto a site where women reach out first, and after a wee bit of scrolling I messaged a man.

He was appropriate in every way (at least online); the right age, a high-level job, and handsome. Legitimately old-fashion handsome. Better still, when I made contact he was charming.

He immediately suggested we meet (apparently unusual) and then he reached out several times, just to check in. He also checked to see that I knew the address of the hotel where he had suggested we meet. I did, but I thought it was sweet of him to check and I appreciated it.

Things were looking positive. We met and he was as handsome as he looked online, and charming too.

"I tried to get a question in but it wasn’t easy. The man was kind of determined." (iStock)

He asked me some serious questions—about my relationship history, about my past, about my feelings and thoughts, and damn, I recall thinking 'What is going on here?' I tried to get a question in but it wasn’t easy. The man was kind of determined.

Some fellow drinkers (we were in a hotel, after all) asked us to join us at the next hotel. I figured it would be fun. My date agreed.

When we reached the next bar, we swept in. There was a band, dancing, people having fun. I was delighted.

We bought drinks, sat down, and he scowled. Heavily. Things were going badly now, and fast.

Soon it was clear the night was going to hell in a hand basket and it was time to leave. He ate a kebab; I paid for it. We said goodbye in the street before getting into separate cabs, and when I got home I sent him a quick message.

“Sorry,” I wrote, “I am not so good at this.”

I told him he was very handsome and that I was sorry I had dragged him out to a second party when it was clear he only had the one in him, at least on this occasion.

Online dating hasn't started well for me. (iStock)

He replied, telling me he'd wanted to go to the next location, that I had nothing to be sorry for. But then he added some more...

He told he felt I had a ‘few things to get over’, some things ‘to get through’, and added that we ‘were at different points in the dating world’.

And then he wished me the best.

I have to admit I was crushed. I don’t even know why; I wasn’t sure that I even liked him particularly.

But to have a complete stranger provide you with an armchair psychological analysis, to tell you you ‘have things to get over and move through’? It made me feel flawed. Defective.

Did I really have things to move through and get over? And if I did, was it up to this complete stranger to tell me so?

I am going to say no. And I am going to give other men (and women) who might be dating online right now a little advice of my own.

"If you don’t think this person is someone you want to see again, be careful about how you let them know." (iStock)

Go out. Enjoy yourself. Meet people. Have fun. But if you don’t click or you don’t think this person is someone you want to see again, be very careful about how you let them know.

Be straight, honest if you can, but also be gentle. Don’t give them an all-round wrap up as to their flaws. You’re not a psychologist, and even if you are, you’re not their psychologist.

Instead, just perhaps say you had a lovely time and wish them well.

If they’re over 20, they will get the message and they will go on to meet someone else. Likely many someone elses—but only if you don’t destroy their confidence first.