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Nine Rules of Dating in 2014

Arrive at least an hour to 4 hours late to your first date. If the guy REALLY likes you he’ll wait. Don’t apologize for this. Traffic isn’t your fault.

2. Gain Your Superiority

During the first date constantly use terms like “movie premiere”,”first class”, “bottle service”, and “wine collection”. You want to make him feel inferior right from the get-go.

3. Show ZERO Interest

Even if you really like the guy after the first date. NEVER show this. Instead delete his number. So when he eventually texts you you can respond, “who the fuck is this?”. Your date will swoon.

4. Always Cancel

Cancel your second date at the very last minute. Just say you forgot and already made plans with someone else. Even though the date was planned first, this shows you put your friends in front of moral duties. Your date will be crawling for more.

5. Never Read His Texts

Every once in a while text your date saying things like “What are you up to tonight?”. Then when said dates replies. Don’t even bother reading the text. Have your date hanging on the edge, waiting for the text to turn to “read 8:34 pm”.

6. Never Call

Don’t EVER EVER call. He might actually answer. This just makes shit too real, and who wants that these days?

7. Never Actually Text

Message him on every single app but actual texting. It’ll leave your date guessing where you’ll pop up next.

8. Always Ghost

If eventually you discover you’re not into the other person. Take the high road and block the person’s number. No explanation needed. No one wants confrontation. After they’ve checked out of rehab your ex-date will thank you.

9. You Don’t Date

If you do make it to date number 3. After making mad love, politely let him know that you’re not really looking to date right now. When you hear about his suicide later that week. Just remember to send your condolences on his Facebook wall. Or Tweet at least.