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We drove to 2 beaches today. 2 hours apart. We forgot it was a holiday weekend. And we were determined. When we finally got in, it was beyond overcrowded. Like, there was no breeze because the masses were sandwiched together crowded. We stayed long past everyone else. Swam & played & ate shitty fried food. It was an unusual day in many ways & we were all coming a little undone by the end. But this guy. This moment. After packing up & before getting back to the Jeep, we spilled our wagon on a hilly section of beach trail. It was what felt like a typical end to what was surely a day we probably should have just stayed home. I looked at my wife. She looked at me. Deflated & exhausted we were ready to say 'fk it.' And then someone said, "I help. I do it." And he did. This guy. My everyday hero. Kept us together after one long beautiful & random day. It was absolutely lovely & I feel so proud of him. #MrToddler#twomoms#fostercare

We have met some really lovely parents & people since we started telling our story several months ago. We set out to build community & we found you. Thank you! We feel really proud of where we are in this journey. Here are a few of the things you've said to us, in response to our pictures & blog posts, that we keep thinking about & make us so happy:

Testimonials:

"Favorite Thing I have read today. I heard his voice in my head and smiled. Having just spent the past three hours was two two year olds, I definitely appreciate how much the small things mean to them. Love your blog. Thanks for so intentionally walking through this fostering process with this cyber community. My wife and I have learned so much from you four.”

“I visit your IG page regularly, not for the small glimpses of very cute kids (although that is certainly a bonus), but for the peace I feel when I see that such a beautiful thing is occurring through the process of redefining your family.”

“your photos are so amazing! Do you really do them all with the iPhone?!”

“This bit was super super interesting to me! What a fantastic blog post this week.”

“Thought of you two yesterday...along with my brother and sister and multiple friends and family members...most beautiful day! I stand beside you with tears of joy!!!”

“Wow, that was a really great post. I'll probably read it again soon, because there was a lot to think about! One thing I've worried about lately is that "parenting" (attachment or otherwise) has been replaced with a let's-just-get-through-the-day mentality. It makes me sad! Our foster tot has been with us about six weeks, and I expect him to go home within a month. So I feel myself detaching from a bond that was just forming. :( But again, thank you for sharing your expert perspective!”

“Your story is beautiful. Your concerns are human. The kiddos are in a need of a home and love and that's what your are providing. As someone who comes from a non-traditional home, thank you for extending your family. I read some where that you can not raise a boy to be a man, but you can raise a gentleman. On the issue of race, it's not going to be easy to navigate, but teach those two love and acceptance of all. Expose them to Black culture as well as other cultures. I will continue to follow your journey and pray for your family because I believe what you two are doing is truly amazing.”

“Always let them know how beautiful their skin is so that someday if someone tells them their skin is ugly, they will remember their mommy's words and believe that instead :)”

“Love this!!! I bought a Tula to use with my foster babies. I'm in Australia, and just about finished with the interview process.”

“I don't know why this post made me cry. I empathize with ya, and I also know that tender sweetness that can only come from your kiddo when you're at the end of your rope. What a beautiful moment! “

“You guys are incredible and I love reading your posts and seeing your IG pics. I feel so connected to you in so many ways even though our journeys don't look exactly the same. You guys are blessing so many lives.”

“Today I was out and about with our latest baby (3week old brown baby boy) curled up against me in the Moby wrap. An older black gentleman peeked in at the baby's face and said "is that your baby"!? I didn't know how to feel or how to answer and I thought of you guys. He is my baby in a lot of ways. In less than a month, we've had 3 kiddos, 2 toddlers and an infant. They're all our babies and they're someone else's babies too. It's already such a challenging situation and then strangers have to point it out. I haven't quite figured out how to manage other's curiosities yet. It sure is a crazy adventure being the other mother. Thanks for addressing these issues on social media. It helps to know others are experiencing the same.”

“…I love the wisdom and awareness you are sharing about foster care, but also about race and love for these kids in general. So glad I found your page!”

“I love the balance you have and your life journey at this parenting gig that we are all trying to survive and thrive at. You share deeply without over sharing. It never gets too heavy. The serious posts leave me thinking and self reflecting on myself as a mom. You reach people not just those sweet babies. You give perspective to the naive (and ignorant) about how "normal" different families look. I imagine you are a very even keeled couple, and are the best thing that life has offered your boys. Keep on keepn' on.”

“Wow, I'm so incredibly honoured to be able to share this amazing journey with you. The work that you both do, in your jobs, with your boys, and through instagram and blogging is invaluable. Thank you for sharing your experiences, for being open, transparent and honest about real, difficult, raw parts of life. You two are fantastic parents and you four are profoundly lucky to have found each other. I really hope you continue to share your journey and I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart xx.”

“Congrats! I'm happy for you and happy for two boys who will have two mommas more who are loving, compassionate and culturally sensitive. Bravo!”

“Thank you for sharing such candid thoughts on your blog. It's an honour to glimpse in to your life through here. As I lay here in bed with my own son (working through some nightmares) I know there is nothing more fulfilling in life then to love your children.”

“So happy for you all. And so appreciative that you actually considered all these things before saying yes. No arrogance or short sightedness in regards to the transracial issue and that is beautiful.”

“How lucky these precious boys are to you have you both as their parents and to be raised in a loving stable home. And how blessed you are to be raising these beautiful babies. Xx”

“I have tears, not only because of how sweet and kind this is, but what it means for both of them in the big picture. To be able to receive love as well as give love is HUGE for kids who have started there lives in such a hard manor. A major milestone. You guys are doing such a great job with them showing them that is doesn't have to be a scary, unkind world.”

“Great blog and reminder to keep working on ourselves! We have a second to last foster assessment interview tonight and the focus is on managing child behaviour so I am making time to read all your blogs today! :) I loved the book list and will be getting those in the near future. Is there any particular websites or studies etc you would recommend me reading online? Thanks :)”

“I discovered your account not too long ago and really ENJOY reading your words and looking at the pics, you are mamas! Thank you J Cheers from France.”

“My husband and I are also in the process to become foster parents, and your blog posts are great reference points for us.”

“Thank you for the attachment posts! I'm in Psych 200 right now and we have a forum post tonight about punishment (physical vs. non-physical) and I have a feeling I'm going to need the inspiration you posted. Would it be okay to cite you?”

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We understood that choosing to adopt transracially from foster care included a lifelong commitment to these little beings and that our village of friends, family and providers would need to expand in order to raise them up well, but what we lacked was the perspective beyond the scope of what we had known, and we could not have calculated the impact that a loss of sleep would have on all our lives over time.

A couple weeks back, we were talking about what was best to do for her birthday. At the time, she had been kicked out of her pre-adoptive home and was living in a children's shelter. As each day passed, we began to witness a little girl we love deeply go from being a kid in a family to being an unwanted kid to being a homeless kid. A part of us went quiet inside. Because we care so much about her. Because no one, especially a child, should ever have to live in a shelter anywhere, particularly in a country as rich as ours. Because she was the 3rd generation of Black women in her birth family to be currently living in a homeless shelter.

My partner, whom I respect deeply and fully adore, isn’t ready to talk publicly about her thoughts on all things Big Sister. I respect her choice. In many ways, she has been a compass for me as we both navigate these parenting waters. Her wisdom and humility are invaluable, holding clinical best interest and compassion over me in a world where I lead with passion and authenticity. We operate differently but not separately, oftentimes with polarity, but when we overlap, we complement each other so well. When we disagree, we learn from one another. We have always been two voices here and now is certainly no different. I have some things to say now.

I knew my journey to being the best version of myself as a parent would be an awakening of sorts. I could not have known just how tough or transformative. I could not have known that becoming a parent would coincide with the galvanizing of the Black Lives Matter movement. Or that we would go from fostering children on an emergency basis to adopting Black baby brothers. Or that building the foundation of our little family would coincide with the transition from the greatest president in our lifetime to the worst along with an uprise in visibility of our country’s biggest strengths and deepest race-based fears. What a moment in time we live in. What an opportunity.

Many of us find ourselves enmeshed ongoing in a battle of balance; protect without hovering; teach without enabling; bond without smothering. We research the best practitioners. We protect our kids from creeps and perpetrators. But what if we’re setting our kids up for failure from the very foundation we’re so invested in building? What if we are unwittingly inviting danger into their lives, now or in the future? What if we are creating a scenario that negatively impacts them as they find their own way in this world?

If you were not happy at your job before you left you will not be happy when you return. Feel free to pin that. Being a parent now informs everything I do in a way it did not previous to taking leave. It is my greatest secret power.

It's easy to want to blame something else when things don't go well. Or, someone else - especially your parents. The day-to-day minutiae of raising babies to be their best little selves shines a light into the darkest folds of our own experiences of being parented and forces us to contend with layers of memories which we may or may not wish to venture toward or work through. I'm a gay white mom raising adopted black sons with a therapist partner. I don't have a choice but to figure this shit out.

There were a couple important things Therapist Mom wanted to carry forward from her childhood that were super special and a couple things I did not want to repeat from my own. The following were our big-ticket items, how we graded our success and some things we’d change for the rolling out of future seasons of magic.

I think a lot about what it takes for a kiddo to want to say out loud, to someone else that they're hurt, especially after there has been so many people and so much hurt, and so little apology. When life has not offered you glimpses of empathy, or repair you have no reason to believe these things exist and therefore when you are faced with people trying to repair or connect, you shun or skim around it because it's weird and uncomfortable and what are they even trying to get away with here anyway?

There are many moments I have experienced throughout our foster care journey I imagine I will not ever lose the feeling of: seeing Tiny for the first time in his little tattered, stained carseat, hearing Mr. T scream and claw his way out of his co-sleeper with night terrors, hearing my kids' birth Mom cry in a way only a parent who knows they chose a better life for their kids at the expense of their heart can. I will add walking out of the room with Mr. T looking confused and anxious sitting with a stranger who is in our life because of a case opened on just me. The case of just me, as it were.