Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Journaling

Carter i hope that if you somehow can read my blog to know how much i love and miss you. Tomorrow is my 27th birthday but it doesn't feel like it should be celebrated. We lost you a few days over a month ago... I was expecting to be huge and waddling around. I was looking forward to happily rubbing my belly while talking about you. Two baby showers would have been done by now and i figured we would be washing and folding the clothing, setting up the crib, and painting the pink wall red. In some ways i feel that we jinxed you by not painting the wall. I know that is a silly thought.

The animals have been so great Carter. You would have loved them. Toboe the short haired tabby cat curls up by my head and purrs me to sleep. I wake up to Brewster the long haired tabby cat touching my face with his paw and kissing my nose. Loki the border collie is crazy and kisses my face until i laugh when i am crying. He is big and clumsy, but he means well. Kaeci has been driving me crazy lately but she is a 12 year old sheltie-schnauzer. She likes to cuddle on the bed and sometimes lets me put my arm over her. I can't imagine going through the loss of you without animals. Your dad is great and is trying to be supportive but he has his own grief to go through and hasn't been getting much support from many people. Your grandma Lisa has been great though and has gone above and beyond what is expected of a mother in law. But she has always been good like that.

I am looking into the back yard Carter and looking at what is your memorial garden. Your special tree has one apple growing big and strong on it. To the right of the tree is your gift from moe the cast iron pine cone. To the left is your royal blue bird bath from your second aunt marie, uncle mark, and second cousins stephanie, steven, and jessica. I mention this because Loki and Kaeci were just being their usual goofy dog selves. Loki was standing on his hind legs drinking from the bird bath. A few minutes later Kaeci did the same. I was worried that the bird bath was going to fall down, but the dogs seemed to know how special it is and were careful not to knock it over.

I'm sorry for babbling Carter, i just want to talk to you.

Just know my little one that I am thinking of you always and even when i am having fun you are still on my mind.

1 comment:

Your Daddy misses you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been able to write to you as much as your mommy, but know that my heart is filled with just as much love as your mother's heart. I'm glad she's writing you, and I'm glad you seem to keep trying to talk to us in you're owns special way. Don't stop, we can feel you in our hearts.