10 Reasons for Ferguson to Sign Joey Barton for Man Utd in January

Shaun Botterill/Getty ImagesJoey Inspires Affection from all around him

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Kevin Strootman, Joao Moutinho, Julian Draxler, Victor Wanyama and Thiago Alcantara are just a few of the talented midfielders that Manchester United have been linked with in the forthcoming January sales.

However, surprisingly, the superstar that nobody is talking about is the one and only Joey Barton, who could be the final piece of the jig saw at Old Trafford.

Here are 10 reasons why I have come to that (not) universally accepted conclusion.

Is That the Way to Old Trafford?

Barton would undeniably be as available as “the whores on Seventh Avenue” (“The Boxer”- Simon and Garfunkel -1968).

The main reason for this is, of course, because no one else really wants him.

I would think that QPR would be delighted to offload him permanently unless Harry Redknapp sees him as an unlikely Messiah who can work the miracle of survival for the ailing Londoners.

Of course, availability isn’t a good enough reason on its own, and I concede that if availability was a town, it could conceivably twinned with undesirability, which probably applies to Barton, so let’s move on.

Joey Gets Grouchy with Morten

The man who could start a fight in an empty room would have a field day at the festive celebrations.

His conviction for ABH on his former teammate, Ousame Dabo ,and stomach punching of Marten Gamst Pedersen are examples of the fun he could have in a crowded room full of testosterone-filled teammates fueled with free Old Trafford booze.

Joey Leaves Early at the Etihad

Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

4) Hates City

Despite being raised a True Blue and naming Noel Gallagher as one of his closest friends, Barton’s antics for QPR at the Etihad Stadium in the last game of last season have possibly temporarily soured his affection for City.

Whilst deep in his psyche, he will always be a Blue, the chance to get revenge on players he considers enemies who earned him a 12-match ban would probably prove an irresistible opportunity. United fans would love watching that, even if it meant that almost certainly they would be left with 10 men to finish the match.

Joey Shows His Fluency in French

In a multicultural environment that characterises the modern Premier League, the ability to converse with a wide range of nationalities is priceless.

Barton’s rapid grasp of the French language since he has been at Marseilles is impressive (see attached video), and apparently, he is also as fluent in ze cherman, el spanisho and is velly good at Japanee.

Arghh! Barton's Stubbed His Cigar out on My New Thatch!

Clive Mason/Getty Images

7) Wayne's Mate

Wayne is, apparently, always on the lookout for someone to share a cigarette break with him at halftime, and the cigar-toting Liverpudlian (another thing him and Rooney have in common) could prove to be a perfect fit here.

Sir Alex would have to provide him with a suitable ashtray, however, to avoid the fate that Man City teammate Jamie Tandie experienced when Barton stubbed his cigar out in the youth player’s eye.

To be fair to Barton, Tandie had initially tried to set fire to Barton’s shirt.

Does Michael Need a Minder?

The current United central midfield player is a cultured, mostly mild-mannered gentleman who shies away from all things nasty on the football pitch and has a stellar disciplinary record.

I see J.B as a sort of "minder" for Carrick; ruthlessly taking out opposition players who look like they just might mean “Mr Nice” some harm and generally, in footballing parlance, “taking one for the team." (Or Carrick, in this case.)

This would only be for a handful of games per season of course, as Barton would necessarily, as a consequence of this role, be sidelined during long periods of suspension.

Joey and His Tweeting

To have the second-most prolific tweeter in the footballing world would be a huge coup for Sir Alex, particularly as Barton’s introspective ramblings will probably remind the Boss of the erstwhile, much-lamented French philosopher of “when the seagulls etc.” fame.

“I punch, therefore I am” would seem to be the basis of Barton’s rationale.