Month: August 2016

How do I say this without being judged, without sounding bitchy and without negativity? You be the judge but I shall write this (and I will write about this over and over again if I have to)

A little background for my friends outside the Philippines: You see, in the Philippines, I do not know why but everyone is so conscious. No one goes to the mall wearing jammies. Everyone here dresses up and is very conscious about what other people will say. It has a lot of weight but no one seems to be too bothered I guess. However, there are boundaries and I as I grew older, I realized I need to voice this and put it out there for awareness and other people’s perspective.

Growing up in a country where everyone is conscious, I was exposed to Filipinos dreading our natural color. Majority of us Filipinos are born with Brown skin. An array of light brown-brown-dark brown-super dark brown etc. There are Filipinos with naturally fair skin, some even have white to yellow skin.

I don’t have anything against skin color and all that but this culture needs to be changed. I mean im the Philippines, we’re naturally dark skinned yet I get to be told as to how dark I am. I get told to not wear a certain color because “it doesn’t look good on dark skinned people”, I also get asked not to wear a certain shade of lipstick because then I would look “darker” than I already am. I have family and friends told me this and I am not trying to attack anyone at all but people these days shall not look at skin color as a basis of beauty, elegance and intelligence. It is only here in the Philippines (I’m not sure though) that I see people put money for skin whitening, it is only here that I hear people not wanting to be “tan” because it’s “ugly”.

To get it out there, stop caring about how my skin looks. I love how brown I am. I am even proud of it. I flaunt it and I am not ashamed one bit. I don’t even care about the unnatural “natural” whiteners you guys use so stop talking to me about skin—what to do and what NOT to do with it.

Embrace your own identity and color. Beauty has nothing to do with skin color. Intelligence, talent, beauty, capabilities does not revolve around skin color. Make up, clothes, shoes are not based on skin color.

THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO KIDS SO THAT WHEN THEY GROW UP THEY KNOW WHAT TO SAY AND DO. We are all so overly exposed about what skin color SHOULD look like when in fact I am in my own country where BROWN skin is NATURAL. I mean, I am so confused why people tell me I look dark? I mean SHOULDN’T I LOOK DARK IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE?

So please, how do we teach society?

Stop caring so much about physical attributes – This is an all-time favourite cliché people. Everyone seems to want to say that physical appearance is secondary but no one or only a little actually believes it? Physical attributes are just physical attributes. It’s a mere and shallow basis of things more important.

Respecting individuality and uniqueness – Everything falls under individuality. If you feel like dark skin is not very pleasing in the eyes, then shut up. Not everyone thinks that fair or white skin is beautiful anyway. For the record, I don’t even say something about how people keep using whitening products and keep wanting to attain perfect white skin so shut up about my naturally brown skin already. Okay?

The world does not revolve around beauty – Maybe when you are younger you care so much about how you look and what other people might say about you, well now, news flash: The world does not revolve around beauty, it doesn’t revolve because you exist. It simply revolves because of the laws of nature and not because a person is pretty or ugly.

How do we teach society about all these? Because it’s so alarming how people blurt out a lot of things without proper education—sounding ALWAYS ALWAYS EVER SO POLITICALLY INCORRECT?

I always believed that I will stay as I am. Okay, I cannot explain but let me try.

So I made myself someone who would just stay in the comfort zone. I hated meeting new people, I didn’t want to talk and even start a conversation. If someone is friendly around me who tries to talk to me and have a “good” conversation, I would cut it short, shut that person down by my lame excuses, my busy figure. Everyone who may have known me for a long time know that I didn’t like new people at all. I don’t warm up very easily and I let my own (stupid) judgment(-ality) get the best of me.

I’ve said a couple of thousand times before that I was once a friendly person and I didn’t know what happened as to why I wanted walls. My walls are way up and that I don’t let my guard down very easily.

Things changed very gradually (at least based on my memory)

The moment Pokemon Go was launched in the Philippines, my officemates (every single one of them) have been Pokemon hunting and I am included. I guess that’s when it started. I started talking to them, I even joke around with them and I didn’t even realized I was making friends! I mean I didn’t care about my own existence here in the office. Like as long as I am doing my job, I’m okay. I didn’t care about being in a group. I didn’t even mind eating lunch alone! My officemates are semi-friends though. Even before the time I actually joined them, I talk to them occasionally.

I was being very sociable compared to how hermit I was!

Then our vacation came. During the River Rafting, we met a lot of other people and there were 2 people in our raft that we didn’t know. (The River Rafting requires at least 5 people in one boat + boat men. So we didn’t have a choice. During the whole river rafting, we were able to build a friendship. We talked about random stuff and just enjoyed the whole thing even if we were complete strangers. I even managed a couple of personal conversation and now we are all Facebook friends mind you. LOL.

Guess you’ll never know when change is going to take place. I guess everyone is bound to change one way or another.

Personally, I find this very challenging. I have the tendency to always defend myself. I don’t know but (maybe it’s a bad thing) that I am a person with a big ego. My amount of pride is bigger than anything else. I don’t know how else to explain it but I just really am a person with a huge ego. So if someone tells me something and it’s not what I wanted to hear, then I would perpetually defend myself or justify it. I try to prove a point and I could even make a big deal out of it. I never got tired of doing this because I always feel like I needed to defend myself, I feel like I always need to stand up for myself even if it was triggered by something really SMALL. As time went by and as I grew older, I have learned that what I kept doing over the years of my existence was extremely exhausting, painful, hurtful and has no sense at all. My best friend and my boyfriend taught me and reiterated this (even if I know it anyway, I had to have someone push the thought in my head anyway) PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE YOU ALL THE TIME, YOU WILL NOT LIKE WHAT THEY SAY BUT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU. IF THEY COULDN’T KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT AND IF THEY SAY SOMETHING YOU FIND OFFENSIVE, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REACT RIGHT AWAY. SOMETIMES YOU EVEN HAVE TO LET IT FLY BY. BECAUSE ACCEPTING THESE WORDS ARE MUCH BETTER THAN DEFENDING YOURSELF AND JUSTIFYING YOUR OWN BELIEF. However, there are some circumstances that you really have to stand up for yourself. SOME but not ALL.

When Kyx and I are new in this relationship of togetherness, we would often argue about something (stupid) he would say + me being “overly sensitive” and getting offended easily. You see, the conflict is Kyx is very honest (it is a good thing, really) but sometimes, his honesty can pull the trigger of my emotions. He is the type of person who will, as much as he can, NOT SUGARCOAT things. To give you a better idea here’s an example.

Me: Do I look fat in this shirt?

Kyx: Uhm, yes.

He blatantly said “YES” without any explanation. Without saying “just a little”. He directly said YES which sort of offended me. (I know, I asked for it and I didn’t get the answer I wanted right? Now you can laugh hahaha but I did not laugh at that during the moment)

What I did was sat quietly and tempted to even throw a fit. He told me if he said anything wrong and I told him he shouldn’t have said that, and then the argument goes on. I know, I know. I shouldn’t have been offended but what can I do? Maybe I was PMSing. LOL.

Also, I can recall a conversation with a friend and she said that my lippie didn’t look THAT good on me. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it but I did.

Because NEWS FLASH. Aside from my own sensitivity, I would NEVER try to say stupid things that I know would offend others. I am very careful of what I tell others because I have the notion of “if someone told me this, I would get offended so I must not say this because the person might get offended” even if they are not melodramatic or overly sensitive (like me).

I guess now that I am writing this, I realize the good and bad side of it.

The Good Side: I don’t hurt other people’s feelings. I am not reckless with my words. I use it ever so wisely (I want to believe this is how I project myself lol)

The Bad Side: I overthink and I sort of expect other people to not be reckless with their words.

I know now that (maybe I knew it all along but too stubborn to accept the facts) people are different and has different views and opinions. Different attitudes and stands. Different beliefs and different way of living. Some might say something stupid that would hurt other people, some wouldn’t.

In this lifetime, I would hear a whole lot of different things that I wouldn’t want to hear but I have learned to filter what I should listen to and what I should ignore.

There’s always room for learning and growth and these are opportunities for an improved understanding. I have understood (I guess) that not everything is said to attack me or hurt me intentionally. There are things that are not thought about as to how I would think about it.

As I wrote about our experience about the trip we just had, I learned a couple of things which hopefully, I will bring with me throughout my existence.

I have learned that travelling requires patience and understanding. It’s like you are being driven out of your usual routine but the patience and understanding must always be there. Not everything will be handed to you easily. Time falters and it’s annoying but vacations are “fun” stuff but it has real things in it. By real, I mean money-time-trust-patience-understanding. All the adult stuff! It’s not like when you’re on a vacation, you have a pass on all the things you wish you could be, all the things you expect life to be.

I have learned that it’s okay to meet new people and make friends. I never thought I’d be friends with strangers. I am always picky with whom I talk to but travelling and this vacation in particular opened my eyes and view the horizon in a bigger level. In ways I can’t imagine, I have made new friends with total strangers and it fills my heart with joy and amazement. There are really lots of good people in the planet. I feel bad that I have always closed my doors to new people, but this trip made me a different person.

I have learned that it is okay to go away, far away from the things you usually do, places you usually visit. I am scared of travelling. I have like a million reasons and stuff that comes in my mind, like all the horrible things that can possibly happen in a trip? I can think of those! I always think of disasters and what could go wrong. If everything is smooth sailing, I would be so suspicious and await for the disaster to come and bite me in the ass. I always expect bad things to happen which then led me to shutting “travelling” far away from the things I hope to do. Now, I have learned that it’s okay! It’s actually an amazing experience to travel, meet people, learn things! I feel like I have accomplished a massive amount of things, bigger things!

In life, there really are things you thought you wouldn’t do, things you thought you wouldn’t have accomplished. Life is a big surprise and travelling is just the same!

When we came back (really toasted) from our Camiguin trip, we ate an amazing dinner at a place in Cagayan De Oro, Misamis Oriental called Countryside Steakhouse. The steak there was delicious and very affordable. It’s cheap for the quality I must say. It could cost thousands of pesos but they just sold it for 500-700 pesos. WHAT A GREAT DEAL.

Yummy yummy dinner. First good food I’ve had since our trip.

So that night, after dinner, we walked around the city and the boys—Kyx and Lyndon, found a great excuse to play Pokemon Go. They were able to catch a good amount of Pokemons!

We went back to our hotel and binge watch Stranger Things (because Lyndon have not seen the series yet) while drinking beer.

Next morning, we woke up early for our White River Rafting. It was supposed to be “white water” but it rained and some soil erode and it became sorta brown. Kind of like flood water look alike. It is fresh and clean though. Boy oh boy this river rafting is AMAZING. First, we met new friends. Second, we enjoyed it so much. It was dangerous because there were rapids or river currents that are too strong but we survived anyway! Let’s just say Kyx and I fell off the raft one time because the current is toooooo damn strong and our guide, I feel like they wanted someone to fall off the raft anyway HAAHAH.

When I fell, I felt like I was in a huge washing machine, I know how to swim but I panicked and I felt like I was drowning! For some reason, I blacked out and I was not able to think clearly. The goal I had was to not fucking drown when in fact I should’ve thought that I will not drown because I have a life vest HAHA. I guess panic got the best of me. Lol

The river rafting lasted for 3 hours. Which got my skin all toasty and hot (and now, I have bad sun burn but I look super brown and I guess people from the other countries would love the color but Filipinos would find me “dirty looking”) After the river rafting, we ate lunch care of Great White (the one who provided the River Rafting package). Delicious and fab meal! Nothing fancy, but very yummy.

We then went straight to Dahilayan Forest Park. It was a 3 hour drive (including bad traffic)

The moment we got there, we flew “through the wire”. It’s a zipline place and I got really scared flying through the metal wire. One Zipline lasted for about 1 minute and it was gorgeous because you would have a great view from the top!

It was also our last activity because the next day, we will be flying back to Manila.

Our Cagayan De Oro, Camiguin and Bukidnon trip was one for the books. It was an amazing trip and I hope you guys can visit this place and see for yourself whatever the heck I was talking about. It was really amazing. It taught me a lot of things (which I will be writing about) it was an amazing experience!

Okay, so let me tell you guys about it. Kyx wanted to go on a vacation because he has never tried a “full vacation” that means going to a really far place that requires an airplane kind of vacation. So 6 months ago, when there was a promo airfare domestically (here in the Philippines) we booked for Cagayan De Oro. We were also joined by our friend Lyndon. The 3 of us didn’t know what to do and what awaits in CDO, however, we saw a lot of blog posts and pictures about Cagayan De Oro, Bukidnon and Camiguin.

Fast forward to our trip.

Kyx and I saved for this trip. We worked hard for everything and this little trip is our sort of reward. Plus a birthday treat and an anniversary trip (we are now on our 2nd anniversary!) In short, this trip is a one time big time thing!

Our flight to CDO was 2 hours delayed. We are so annoyed but what else can we do? When we arrived, we were booked at a very cheap hotel because early the next day will be our trip to Camiguin.

Cagayan De Oro city proper was 2 hours away from the Balingoan Port. From the Balingoan port it is 1 hour and 30mins ferry ride to Camiguin.

We were not really clueless because there are a lot of travellers who are ready to help, they are just one message away on Facebook by the way. (shout out to Marissa and Kathleen; the people I have been friends with via DIY Travel page in Facebook) I was texting them and asking them a lot about the trip, even the most trivial things! Seriously!

Our (cheap) hotel was inside the city proper terminal, which means we have easy access to transportation. There were lots of drivers and vans that offer rides to our destination—Camiguin. We were able to ride the van easily and our trip began. It was a long ass ride to the Balingoan port. After a 2 hour drive, we arrived and bought our ferry tickets. We then ate brunch at an eatery, simple yet yummy food. We waited an hour for the ferry. When it arrived, we boarded the ferry and our trip lasted for about 1 hour and a half (or so). We were greeted by a driver at the inn we booked in Camiguin. When we arrived, we visited a couple of tourist-y place and it was okay. AT first, we were thinking it was all flop because I guess we were expecting too much (or we’re just terribly hungry for GOOD food?) We slept that night disappointed and tired.

The next morning, we went to White Island (OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE CHERRY ON TOP. THIS IS THE SUCCESS AFTER THE STRUGGLE. THIS IS IT) The place was sooooo beautiful! The sand is amazingly FINE and the water is CRAZY BLUE! It is so good! Sooooo amazing!!! We took a lot of (flop and failed) photos and we really enjoyed White Island!

We visited Mantigue Island. The water is so clear and blue but the waves are strong so we were not able to swim. We also didn’t have a lot of time to go snorkelling but it was worth it. The two islands were amazing. It is beautiful. So damn beautiful!

I have told this story a couple of times already and only now that I realized how big of a deal this is to my life. This is one lengthy post so get ready hehehe.

June 2007, the first time I am not excited for the first day of classes mainly because I was an incoming senior and that means it is the last year I would be enjoying my high school life before heading to what seems like a brutal school world called college. (backstory, I love my high school life so much, everything seems so easy and things fall into place just the way I want it to be so I got so attached to my high school days which is why I was terrified beyond belief with the thought of “college”) I was determined to make the most out of everything. I have lined up my goals and plans. I was just not up for first day, I guess. A little speck of joy dawned on me when I found out that I was going to be with my 2 best friends for the school year! The last time the 3 of us were together in the same class was 3 years ago so I was stoked to be with them.

I was so happy to see familiar faces again, so glad to be with the people I have been all throughout high school and just by seeing their faces filled my heart so much (I don’t know why but that’s how much I love my friends and classmates lol) Then I saw this quiet dude. He looks shy but sure of himself. He didn’t look lost but he is definitely out of place. Mysterious people get my attention very quickly hence my observation to this young lad. He looks simple but there’s more to him, I’m betting he’s a musician or an artist. There’s just this flare in him that speak volumes despite his silence. I didn’t care a lot about him because I was taken back to reality when the school bell rang, signalling the flag ceremony while all the other kids are talking nonstop, updating each other’s lives about how their summer went, I was standing with 2 of my best friends, both of them half squealing happily and rolling their eyes for annoying class separations and all. I was a bit silent for a while until one of them said something funny about a teacher’s hair which made me giggle.

June rolled on. I was on top of the world, pushing everything over the edge, my leader-leader instinct took over me and I am glad to be in charge of a lot of things no matter how tiring it could get. We were also busy because of the NCAE which everyone basically dreaded. It’s a career exam which until now, I am not sure why we went through a lot of review. By the 2nd week of June, everyone in the senior class is crammed into one room for a review. I think it lasted for hours! It was fun and no one seemed to bother with the review class because 80 people are in one room, reunited and unfocused of the real world. I saw the mysterious guy again. I found out he has an amazingly unique name, which made me really interested this time. Where did he come from, who are his friends, why did he go in our school now, why is he talking to my classmates, why is he laughing, what are his hobbies. I have a lot of questions running in my mind and I know, I just know I would want to be friends with this guy.

(why is this story taking soooo long to be over. Sorry)

Review went on and we spent time breathing the same air (this sounds so disgusting in a creepy sense lol) in a classroom without really knowing each other. I am with my friends, he was with his friends. I forgot my interest cause Math review is so distracting! You see, I have been listening for hours but I can’t seem to figure it out. Imagine how frustrating it was that I didn’t have time to think about other people, especially mysterious guy right?

The day of the exam came. The room assignment is so weird that I have to share a room with mystery guy and a lot of other people that aren’t my close friends. I was stuck with them for hours, it was awkward but it was nice. I sat right next to mystery guy and I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t want to look at him but I really do. I didn’t want him to notice me but deep inside, my head is screaming “I exist”. Well our paths officially crossed when he left his papers without paper weight, without anything to secure it from flying all over the place so I found it under my desk.

I didn’t know what to do, should I pick it up or should I just leave it there? Well I didn’t want to look clutter-y so I picked it up and then as I was about to put it on his desk, he came and eyed me suspiciously. If I remember it correctly, I mumbled a lot of things telling him how the fan may have blew his papers out and I didn’t copy his answers and that I just picked it up to put it on his table and I swore I didn’t even peak at his answers that might have been incorrect anyway. He just shrugged, half listening and said “thank you”.

I heard his voice for the first time directed at me. He sounded sincere so I let it fly by. I told my friends what happened and they teased me about developing a little crush on this lad. I argued and told them I am not attracted but maybe just slightly interested.

Then fast forward to when my best friend became the girlfriend of mysterious guy’s friend. I was feeling funny and adventurous so I asked my best friend to ask her boyfriend about mysterious guy. The friend of mysterious guy wanted me to talk to him so he gave me his (mysterious guy’s) number and I struggled for a week until I came up with a “hello”. I didn’t get a reply so I deleted his number and moved on with my life. Thinking how stupid I was to even try to talk to him.

September 2007, I received a message from a number I can slightly recognize. The message said something like “Hello, sino ka?” (This means Hello, who’s this?) I struggled for breath. I felt giggly and funny. I didn’t reply, I waited for 2 days before sending a message.

That’s how it all started.

We got to know basic stuff about each other, we talked over the phone when we can, we talk about stuff that didn’t make sense. We talked and talked.

(I am so tempted to cut this story short but, I hope you’re still reading)

It was satisfying to know that there are weird and random people you can share your randomness with. That’s how we became friends. We did got into a small (very small) argument during high school which kind of hurt me and made me stop talking to him. I guess it was awkward for him to reach out and so we stopped our daily exchange of text messages, we stopped our endless late night phone calls, we stopped our communication and I guess, I never wanted to talk to him again. I was 15 years old, hurt, sensitive, hormones raging. What do I know about this sort of stuff anyway? I didn’t long for our friendly chats and I moved on with my life without him being my friend. I was quite sad for a wee bit but I got so busy with a lot of things that I didn’t have enough time to lament for the lost friendship.

A month before the school year ended, we were asked to make a handcrafted journal, something we will ask our classmates and friends to write something for us on our journals so when we look back, we have something to treasure and laugh about. Everyone at school exchanged journals, doodling and writing a buttload of poetry and letters to each other. Mysterious guy and I exchanged journals as well and when my journal came back, I saw he wrote a brief letter, longer than a normal guy would have written. He said sorry about our little argument and he drew something cute! My heart melted and I have confirmed in that letter and drawing that he got sad quite a bit when we argued. I felt so important to him, I felt valued but there was no time for cutie patootie things as we are all so busy with college applications and all. After that, I invited him that summer for my birthday party but he never came. We lost touch and I could remember thinking about him from time to time wondering how he have been.

I forgot about how I was having butterflies whenever I am talking to him because he’s so funny and he never lost his spark of mystery. I let go of the idea that there will be something more than just friends between us.

Facebook came and that was our only source of communication. We didn’t talk like we used to but we always remember to update each other. I guess that’s what we did for 7 years! Then one fateful day, I am not sure what the gods of fate and love had in their wits when they made us meet coincidentally in a mall we both never go to regularly?

Here’s what happened. My 2 best friends, the one I was talking about earlier in this post were with me during that time. We attended a baptism and we ended up driving for ice cream. There were several road blocks that day and detours. We got stuck in traffic, parked at the wrong place, went to the wrong mall, lined up in a long queue for 3 scoops of Baskin and Robbins. It was as if everything was being delayed and that we just had to go roll with it in patience. I didn’t know why this happened and we were half pissed by the time we got our ice creams. We went through so much hassle that day and by the time we were about to leave the mall, 3 scoops of ice cream in a cup, someone called us. It was mysterious guy!!! (I did not see him for soooo long! Oh ma gahddd good lord!)SO it finally clicked why we had to go with all the trouble that day. Because mysterious guy and I were meant to see each other again, we were meant to say hello, we were meant to hug each other..

The odds that brought us in that same area, that same day, same time and same moment? Then maybe, we finally let every doubt go away. After that day, we started dating and the rest is history.

Now, here we are, celebrating the 2nd year of many more years together.

Fate and good timing is real. Everything is meant to happen one way or another. I just couldn’t believe that all the pain and hurt from the past experiences are worth it. It is such a cliché but it really was worth every hurt, every road block. Everything was worth it.