Osborne: ‘We’ll cut corners, literally’

George Osborne announced today that the government will cut corners, off everything, in one of the coalition’s most radical budget policies yet.

To cheers from Tory MPs, the chancellor delivered his speech from a large bowl. ‘After years of out-of-control investment in corners, we’re cutting them,’ said Osborne, wobbling violently. ‘Who needs them? Not me.’

In a practical demonstration of the new austerity measure, treasury secretary Danny Alexander sawed the corners off a television. ‘The money saved may be minimal,’ said Alexander, appearing to suffer electric shocks. ‘And now it doesn’t work. But imagine if we cut the corners off everything? We’re thinking so far outside the box we’ve destroyed the box and replaced it with an efficient sphere.’