Speed Dating In New York: A Detailed Account

Updated on October 12, 2012

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So I went speed-dating with a buddy of mine recently and exposed myself to.....sorry, socialized with 16 beautiful women. Of course I only spent three minutes with most of them (with the exception of one holy grail of a woman...more on that later). Anyway, I figured I should turn this into a hub because a.) writer's block & b.) I need some genuine commentor-grown advice. Warning: The following events may be slightly fictionalized for dramatic effect.

How It All Went Down:

Well like I said, there were 16 of these ladies dotted across a dimly lit bar. Drink specials were half-off, the music was soft and I already had sweaty palms. The rules were simple: 16 dates, 3 minutes per date with a 10 minute break half way into the event. A ringing bell signifies when it is time to get up and move to your next date. Oh and the guys move around from table to table to meet the girls, the girls get to sit tight (good luck if your in a wheelchair). You write down the names of your dates, a few cursory notes and check a box on whether or not your interested in that person. Later on, you would select your dates on the host company's website.

I was babysitting a Jack and Coke, scoping out the crowd. To my left was another guy speed-dater John, tall, slightly greasy IT dude from Boston. We exchanged a few terse words of encouragement:

John: "You here to bag a gf."

Me: "a gf."

John: "Yeah."

Me: "You mean girlfriend."

John: "Duh...what are you slow?"

Me: "Slow and steady with the ladies...."

John: "Heh...heh...yeeeaaaah. I'll seeyah around."

On my right were two lady speed-daters who had done this thing a million times before. They kindly filled me in on all the latest trends in online dating....for ten inescapable minutes. There was a guy across from me who was the splitting image of Jay-Z. In the dim lighting, I guess that really came in handy; wait maybe it was Jay-Z. Ding...ding...ding...ding...ding. The starting bell rang and round one of Fast and Furious dating began.

Date 1: Amber

She was a teacher...1st grade if I remember. Slightly tired and dour looking, but then again who isn't after fighting hordes of 6 and 7 year-olds. I gave her my schpiel and a 30 second life-synopsis. During which she yawned and rubbed her red eyes. I asked her about herself but by then I knew I had lost her. Well this is a great start.

Date 2: Jessica

Blazingly hot redhead. I mean like getting a nosebleed and brain aneurysm simultaneously hot. I was definitely not prepared for this date. In my sexiest voice possible; I tried to talk up my collection of international closet lint but that just didn't cut it. As a last ditch effort to save my pride and this date, I offered her a mint. She took it and smiled and winked...score. Now she'll think of me whenever she comes across a Mentos.

Date 3: Chloe

Easy-going girl with a grunge look. Think the female version of greasy IT guy John, but with an electric guitar. And much like John, the conversation went from awkward to irritating to dead in 30 seconds:

Chloe: Do you like music?

Me: I don't hate music.

Chloe: Why would you hate music?

Me: I don't...I just...uhhhh. I like musicals.

Chloe: Okaaaay...

Me: Manly musicals.

Date 4: Elaine

Very attractive, darkly alluring Asian girl. At this point I am calming down and only sweating from my forehead, like a normal person. My Jack and Coke buzz starts to kick in and I start to slur my words ever so slightly. I think I sound like an idiot until she says: "you have a really cool accent, where's it from." I blurt out the first nationality to pop into my head "Texan." She looks confused but oddly impressed. We chat a bit about our favorite foods and I suggest the name of a nice Ethiopian restaurant which she promptly writes down.....2 points.

Date 5: Megan

This next date was absolutely stunning. A Southeast Asian/ Indian girl in red dress covered by a navy blue blazer. Perfect smile and a genuine laugh. I did not so much sit down in front of her as collapse for I had suddenly become paraplegic. Luckily, she was doctor....well a resident, but you know. My buzz was now at its peak and combined with the paralyzing effect of her..um..blazer, I appeared to be a lot cooler than I actually am. After talking to her for a whole minute past the bell, I decided to finally get up. Definitely, the best date of the whole night.

P.S.: Or maybe I had beer goggles...who knows.

Date after date, the night went on like this until I shook my last date's hand, with the confidence that would never see her again (she also had sweaty palms). I said goodnight to the event's hostess and made my way over to the nearest Walgreens where I could get a throat losenge. Cause talking for 48 straight minutes tends to kill the vocal chords.

The next morning I looked at my list and norrowed my chioces down to 6. 4 who I would definitely see again and 2 who I would take a chance on. I saved my choices and waited for any results. Deep down I prayed that Jessica would like Mentos enough to consider me or that Megan would come across another paraplegic named Justin during her nightly rounds. But alas it has been two weeks and the only people who have picked me are Chloe and someone else I did not have a connection with. Should I go for it anyway? Or does that seem a little disingenuous cause I actually didn't select them.

Lessons Gleaned From This Experience

1.) Don't go speed dating when tired. EIther shotgun a redbull or sit this one out.

2.) Take a Halls or put on some Vicks Vapor Rub mid way through. It'll preserve your voice and maybe even your life.

3.) Don't assume you had a great (unique) connection with someone. You might think you have had a great conversation with cute girl A, but then again so did every other guy.

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Comments 8 comments

Very interesting...er...hilarious! It reminds me of a movie and doubt very much that it actually happened...LOL

He he he...still laughing.

My advice..stay clear of speed dating!

Ha ha ha ha

pinktulipfairie 5 years ago from Torrey Pines Beach

Better luck next time and as my friends are always telling me you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get a prince in your case princess.

Sweets21 5 years ago

Very funny, I have often thought about speed dating but now...not so much. Lol! Awesome read!

My Minds Eye53 5 years ago from Tennessee

Very Funny. Next time will be better, you know what to expect.

FitnezzJim 5 years ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

Hilarious. I had an old Crosby Stills and Nash song start going through my head as I read this.

"Love the One You're With"

When an article reminds you of a song, you know the writer conveyed a message.

Justin Muir 5 years ago from New York Author

Haha, Thanks. I myself was listening to a Talking Heads album while writing this ,hence the result. At any rate I probably won't go speed dating again for quite a while. Thanks for the feedback everyone.

Chasing Riley 5 years ago from Los Angeles

Very funny! Go on the date with the girls you didn't select. You never know! How much can you really learn in 3 minutes about someone???

princesswithapen 5 years ago

Haha! "Me: Manly musicals" along with many other lines was epic. This hub was hilarious. Definitely brought a smile to the face!