This Game You Bought Me Isn't SSX. and You're Not My Real Mom.

2001-07-04

Mother? This videogame you bought me for my birthday -- it's not SSX for the Playstation 2. I asked for SSX. What we have here is Coolboarders. While both games are in fact snowboarding titles, Coolboarders is not SSX. In fact, Coolboarders is to SSX as the Muppets are to Congress.

This is an egregious mistake. It leads me to conclude that you're not my real parents. My life is a total sham. I was adopted. My real parents were probably burned in a fire and are likely buried in a mausoleum with a copy of SSX clutched in their blackened bony hands as we speak.

It's tragic, woman-who-was-once-my-mom, but it's probably true.

And I bet dad isn't my dad, either. Unless he got me that minibike. In which case, he still may not be my dad, but I won't quibble in the details. Ciao baby!