12.30.2009

I've never been a fan of Jane Austen's novels. I don't dispute their literary value or their appeal to millions of readers, but I've always found them dull and lifeless, with equally lifeless characters.

But THIS version...! These are undead lifeless characters! I may have to check this one out!

12.21.2009

I know we're in a period of popular culture where vampires are all the rage, so it's no surprise that there are a lot of vampire stories out there. And I know that people have their fetishes, so stories (or book covers) depicting a little light S&M don't really shock me either. But this one just grosses me out. If I were her, the second I felt that icky drip hit my lips, I'd scream the secret safe word ("Dolphin!!") and demand to be untied. Then I'd run far, far away.

Does anyone find this cover (as a whole) appealing? I know our male readers will enjoy the main image, but really, when you add in the bloody cherry.... Or maybe that's the subtext?!?! She just lost her virginity! Still. Ewwwww.

12.16.2009

It's Christmastime, and along with the smell of freshly baked cookies and the twinkle of lights under a blanket of fresh-fallen snow, love is a sign of the season. So let's celebrate true love, Judge A Book style!

I admit it. I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite hating most chick flicks (I make my dates very happy, because I'd much rather see the new sci fi flick than the new romantic comedy), I really love seeing the hero and heroine get together at the end of an adventure. It warms my (otherwise bitter) heart. In fact, the idea of "together forever" is something to which I actually aspire. I really think, though, that I'd prefer the chance of eventually splitting if "together forever" means being permanently encased in a block of ice. Ouch. Ever kissed someone when the temp is sub-zero? It's a bit like licking a lamp-post in the winter. I especially don't recommend it when you're frozen solid in a huge ice cube.

On the other extreme, we have this couple. Being that it's Harlequin, I can easily predict the story and even the dialog. Story: Woman has misfortune and ends up in sad, unfamiliar surroundings. Woman meets man who seems dark and mysterious and she takes an instant dislike to him. After he saves her life or her chastity from someone truly evil, her dislike turns to passion, although she fights it. Eventually, she gives in and gives herself to him, body and soul. Dialog: "Darling, I want to be with you forever. You make me feel so safe and loved." "I feel the same way, my love. You light a fire in me. In fact, I can feel it burning me up inside. Seriously, it feels like it's burning me up outside. Oh my God, I'm actually on fire!!!!"

12.11.2009

Awww, what a sweet little book about a pre-pubescent girl and her d... what in the name of all that is good and true are all those penises doing behind her?? It's like an invading army, led by the, er, "tower" in the middle!

That's not a stone he's holding.

More like "Dead Eye" -- but I think they just wanted to get "long" in the title.

12.09.2009

Hey, y'all. So I asked all my fans on ye olde facebook today what theme we should have for Wednesdays and Ashley V came through with a winner.

Presenting Hump Wednesday, a day for taking aim at all those cookie cutter romances that litter the grocery store book aisle.*

Today's target is paranormal romances.

Wow, there's a lot of crap going on. Ice, weird tribal tattoo things, some sort of gate, and a whole lot of words. You think with all this going on, they could give some thought to our heroine, rather than making her look like some kind of albino stripper. Oh, wait, is she the vamp? That makes sense to me!

As Twilight has taught us, stalkers are sexy. Especially ones with big poofy lips and explody-hands. Quick poll: would you read a romance that called the hero a "stalker"? Nope, me neither.

Are they transparent? They're transparent, aren't they. Sex'd be a bit more interesting if you could evanesce, wouldn't it? No more cuddling or awkward "relationship" convos anymore!

*no offense meant to the authors of these books, I know they work hard and are cooler than I!

Does anyone remember the book Bunnicula? All I remember is that the bunny sucked the juices out of vegetables. The family would wake up in the morning and there'd be colorless vegetables in the cage. Damn, that book freaked me out. But not quite as much as this cover horrifies me!

Thanks go out to reader Susan V. and Jon Scalzi's Whatever blog. I think I may have to read this book!

12.05.2009

Forget the old ball and chain, it's kids that really keep you tied down.

Even if you live in a technicolor world...and are apparently married...and getting it on with a pregnant "other woman"...am I the only one who thinks that being a "mistress" may not be the most romantic title on earth?? Or is this all about the old S & M...nah, not enough black leather on the cover.

12.02.2009

CAUTION: If you are especially easily frightened or have nightmares don't, whatever you do, look at the following book! You've been warned.

Anyway, faithful page Jeremy brought in the bookdrop today, and this book was on top (sorry for the fuzziness, but the original image is so horrific you'll actually be glad not to get the full impact):

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Just what, exactly, is Judge a Book by its Cover?

I worked in a public library. I saw literally thousands of books every week; the good, the bad, and the truly hideous. These are the covers from the latter category. Joining me (Maughta) is the ever-popular pinch hitter (and handy husband) DocTurtle.

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