8.27.2015

Everyone else here is writing "Dear New Orleans"
posts this month. I feel the need to write a "Dear America" post.
I've tried really hard to refrain from Katrina anniversary posts. But some make
it impossible to do so. So here we go.

Dear America: Shut up. No, really. Until you are also
willing to judge everyone who lives in an area that could be hit by a tornado
(which could really be any of us, if bad luck strikes; but Kansas and the rest
of tornado alley, I'm giving you the side-eye in particular right now). Unless
you're also willing to judge everyone who lives in any area where there are
mudslides, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, massive river floods, forest fires,
etc.--did I miss anything? Oh, yeah--TSUNAMIS. Just. Shut. Up.

Facts: there were ZERO rapes and murders at the Superdome
after Katrina. There were ZERO rapes and murders at the Convention Center after
Katrina. Did people die? Yes. One guy killed himself at the dome. One man was
shot in the back by police at the convention center bc he begged them for help.
The cops claim he came at them aggressively. His name was Danny Brumfield. Look
it up. Did people die? Yes. From heat exhaustion and no food or water for five
days. Or, by, you know, DROWNING.

8.14.2015

I am sad to report that Phil, one of the feeder fish we won
with a ping pong ball at the Atchafalaya catfish festival, has passed on to
that great pond in the sky. Emmeline conducted a lovely ceremony for him, and
we honored his short, sweet, wet life. Steve, our other feeder fish, is
recovering in the loving fins of our other goldfish, Dorothy, Elmo, and Oscar.
Long live Steve.

8.12.2015

"As Drew Brees enters his twilight years we’re totally
fucked. Brees could kill and eat a baby on local tv and we would throw a parade
for him. We’re going to keep him around until he’s just a pile of parts
tweeting out ads for his Jimmy John’s franchises."

8.09.2015

Kenny: I came THIS CLOSE to buying a toilet at Lowe's.
Me: But we don't need a toilet. We have one.
Kenny: I know, but they were ON CLEARANCE. They were on sale from $300 to $100.
Me: But we don't need a toilet. We have one.

7.28.2015

Hey, did you see that dead lion? I killed him! First, I had
to bait him into leaving a protected area, and then I shot him with a crossbow.
But even though I'm supposedly an excellent shot, I didn't actually kill him
and he wandered around in pain for 40 hours. And then I shot him with a gun.
Cool! And then I took off his collar, which showed he lived in an area where he
was supposed to be protected. But it was too late then, so I skinned him and
beheaded him. And I never had any clue that what I was doing wasn't
totally legal, because, hell, I paid $55K to shoot him. And the guy who lured
him out of the reserve swore it was legit. My bad. But it's really all about
conservation, so this was a good thing. And now, his spirit will live on
forever. In the display of his head. My bad about his 24 lion cubs who will now
be killed by other male lions who want to take over the pride. But FREEDOM.

7.26.2015

When we have steak for dinner, and no one saves a piece for
Tchoups, he gives me the same look that my dad gave me in high school when he
found out that I made up a fake weekend field trip, complete with faux
permission slip, when I was really planning to spend the weekend partying w
friends. "It's not so much that I'm angry with you. I am just SO
DISAPPOINTED. It will take a while for you to earn my trust again." Sorry,
Tchoups.

7.18.2015

Me, Kenny, and Emmeline driving in the car last weekend,
while E is in the backseat listening to the iPod on headphones, loudly--
Kenny: Is she listening to Gangsta's Paradise?
Me: Yep. Her three favorite artists right now are Gladys Knight, Queen, and
Coolio.

7.16.2015

If you are wondering at what age your golden retriever will
stop obsessively following you around, complete w sniffing under the bathroom
door to make sure you're still alive, the answer is 14 years and two months. I
just tried to talk to Tchoups while he was on his bed, and his response was
very much "OMFG, seriously? You want to discuss this NOW? Because I'm IN
BED. I do NOT want to go on the porch with you. I'M SLEEPING." Thanks,
Tchoups.

7.15.2015

I thought I was going to be all brave today. I thought I had
done all of the crying and grieving that a person could possibly do in a year's
time. That although I would be missing Kara today, and thinking about this
anniversary, that I wouldn't cry. But then Van Morrison came on the radio,
singing "everything I do, reminds me of you." And I had to sit in the
parking garage at work and bawl, just like I did a year ago today.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is
gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.

Year 1 is done. On to year 2. Spent tonight having sushi w
Krissie and watching Beverly get her Kara Lynn Morgan tattoo. And
then watched a crane meander across the street in a place where cranes are not
supposed to be. I'll take it. I hope we've done you proud. I miss you. I love
you.

7.10.2015

I often wonder what my brother Charles would be like if he
had lived, especially on a night like tonight, when Garth Brooks played the
arena, who was his favorite singer when he died in 2001 at the age of 22. Would
he be partnered off now? Would he have kids? Would he still live on the coast?
What would he do for a living? I know it's a pointless exercise to wonder what
he would be like at 36, when he's been gone for 14 years, but I still do.

7.08.2015

Things we have muddled through without you: your birthday;
your funeral; space camp; head lice; Saints pre-season; the obligatory
Katrinaversary; Saints regular season; no Saints post-season; trading a bunch
of Saints; keeping Marques Colston (HOFSTRA, bitches); Darren Sharper; Mike
Smith being fired; Rob Ryan being kept; Cris freaking Collinsworth being the
announcer for the Saints/Cowboys game; Halloween and trick or treating; Krewe
of Boo (although none of us went); Bill Cosby; Thanksgiving; Genevieve; Christmas;
New Year's Eve; Twelfth Night; Joey's birthday; Stuart Smith dying; Beverly's
birthday; Krewe du Vieux; parades, parades, PARADES; and parades, always
parades; Al's death; Emmeline and Beau's birthdays; St. Patrick's Day and the
resultant PARADES; St. Joseph's night; Easter; French Quarter Fest; Darren
Sharper, again; Jazz Fest; Mother's Day; Trey's birthday; fourth grade; ISL
PARADE; your NOLAversary; Krissie's birthday; Obamacare affirmed; an engagement
in Houston; my birthday; gay marriage legalized. And crying. Lots of crying.
But also, laughter, and love, and Kara-ing on. And now, in a little over a
week, it will be your birthday again. Preceded just one day by the anniversary
of your death. And we will do it all over again. I miss you. I love you. It
will never be the same, but we still laugh and we still love. And I love an
amazing bunch of people, all of whom I met through you. Thank you.

6.27.2015

I remember the election of 2000. I remember how I felt when
the Supreme Court installed Bush as president, despite the fact that Al Gore
won the popular vote. And in spite of the fact that it was highly disputed as
to whether or not Bush had, in fact, won the popular vote in Florida. But the
Supreme Court said he had won, and the fight was over. Did I like it? Hell no.
Was I bitter? Hell yes. And I spent the next eight years being called a dirty
libtard and told that if I didn't like Bush, or invading Afghanistan, or
invading Iraq, etc., that I should leave. Because AMERICA. And how dare I
question our dear leader in a time of war? I have spent the last eight years
ignoring incredibly nasty posts equating our current president, whom I voted
for twice, to a witch doctor and a monkey. I have watched his patriotism, his
faith, and even his citizenship called into question. I have never once told
those who disagree with me that if they don't like it, they should leave. This
country belongs to all of us. But I am so very thrilled to watch our social
conscience change. Rights for ALL of our citizens matter. And you don't get to
insist that one Supreme Court ruling, like installing Bush as president, is
perfectly valid, while saying that another opinion, like legalizing gay
marriage, is a case of "activist judges legislating from the bench."
It doesn't work that way. If you don't like this decision, you don't have to
leave. It will always be your right to oppose our governance. But I hope you
will at least think about it, and see if you can find it in your heart to
understand that what makes one of us stronger makes all of us stronger. Your
rights are not diminished when those same rights are given to others. The same
goes for my fellow Christians who are having difficulties with this. Again, I
say, your rights are not diminished by giving those same rights to others. Open
your hearts. Listen to the true teachings of Christ. There is no mention of
intolerance. Of hate. Of bigotry. Only of love. Open your hearts.

6.21.2015

Kenny and I were talking about Alan Richman tonight, as he
spoke at the conference Kenny went to in NYC last week. I would still very much
like to give Alan Richman a very hearty f*ck you, with some demonstrative hand
signals thrown in for good measure, almost 10 years after his review of
post-Katrina New Orleans. His reviews are equivalent to kicking a dying puppy.

"During my time in New Orleans, I sought to keep some
perspective. For example, when the sommelier at August brought me an incorrect
vintage of the wine I’d ordered, I tried not to be too distressed, knowing that
somewhere in the Lower Ninth Ward a house was sitting atop a car. Yet it’s
important to come to a tough decision about New Orleans, because it’s going to
cost Iraq-magnitude money to get this place back to where it was or, better
yet, where it should have been."

I hope that the "faerie folk," aka Creoles, kick
his ass at some point.

3.05.2015

The restaurant where my husband works that shall otherwise remain nameless in this post is apparently hosting some type of Republican senatorial retreat this weekend. Kenny asked me if I wanted to come hang out at the bar, but after a few minutes of discussion, we both acknowledged that it would be very awkward when he had to call security on me after I asked every senator in sight about the magical pill you can swallow that ends up in your vagina.

3.04.2015

Selfie by the TEN-year-old. Happy Birthday, Emmeline. You
survived our early parenting missteps, like the time your dad accidentally
bathed you with dog wipes instead of baby wipes (and the resultant full body
rash), and made it to the double digits!

2.17.2015

2.06.2015

One day, I will convince those of you who don't live in NOLA
that real Mardi Gras isn't about drunk tourists baring it all for cheap plastic
beads on Bourbon Street. It's about drunk locals waving their arms and
screaming "heeeeyyyyyyyy" (whilst fully clothed) for cheap plastic
beads on St. Charles Avenue. And the marching bands. And the bagpipes. And the
floats. And the friends. And all together, that's why we love PARADES. If you
need me for the next 12 days, I'll be on the neutral ground at St. Charles and
Eighth. PARADES!!!

2.03.2015

Okay, here's the thing. I know there are a lot of jerks out
there who use their Bible (or Quaran or Tanakh or any other religious text) to
justify their rights to be bigoted, intolerant assholes. I don't like them,
either. But at the risk of coming off as a whiny #notallchristians post,
it does get a bit tiresome being lumped in with the haters all of the time. I'm
about as flaming liberal as I can get. I also believe in God. The god I believe
in isn't Santa Claus, and hedoesn't have any interest in who wins the Super
Bowl or Survivor or finding your lost iPad. He's also not spending all of his
time damning people to hell for their sins, bc I don't believe in hell. My God
is, however, a source of comfort to me, as is my belief that we have souls that
continue after this life is over--in what realm or plain, I have no idea. And I
get that--my faith is just a source of comfort to ME. I'm fairly certain none
of my friends who are atheist or agnostic would ever say I've tried to convert
them to my way of thinking. But as another friend posted recently, it does feel
lately as though if I admit to having a faith, I'm opening myself up to
ridicule. We don't all suck, okay? And I will never, nor have I ever, told E
she has to be good bc SIN. And I still love a good sacrilegious joke. Peace.

1.23.2015

Things
I love about New Orleans: having very animated conversations w Kenny about what
phase of toupee Bob Breck was in when I moved here. All I can say w certainty
was that it was before his current Caesar/George Clooney look.

1.05.2015

I avoided posting on this all day, but Jesus, I'm sad that
Stuart Scott died. This speech was so beautiful and came into my life at a time
when I needed to hear it most, two days after losing my friend.

"I also realized something else recently; you heard me
kind of allude to it in the piece. I said, ‘I’m not losing. I’m still here. I’m
fighting. I’m not losing.’ But I gotta amend that. When you die, that does not
mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer, by how you live, why you live,
and in the manner in which you live.”