Lux this one is for you.So Adam is in the garden of eden and god realises that adam, having named the animals and all realises that he is getting bored. So god says to adam, "Adam, I am going to make you a companion. She will be your best friend and confidant. She will be there for you allways. To make you happy, laugh, smile. She will be your perfect match." So Adam is ecstatic. The god says, "But there is only one catch..." Adam says"yes god? What is the catch?" God says"It's going to cost you an arm and a leg." Adam, after thinking for a while says"Well...what can I get for a rib?"

Q: What's small, screaming, and can't turn corners?A: A baby with a spear through it!

Q: What's funnier that a dead baby?A: A dead baby dressed like a clown!

Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten!

Good shit, huh?

You ought not joke about Ethiopian pregnancy because often third world families are deprived of their only meals buy rich western families adopting the children and thus removing the sun-baked 'infant jerky' the whole starving family were to dine upon.

A blind gentleman walks into a restaurant and the host/owner walks him over and sits him at a table. The blind man tells the host that he would not require a menu, but instead simple a fork or spoon from a dirty plate for him to sniff and that he will be able to determine whether or not he wants that dish simply from that. Confused, the host fulfills his request and brings him a variety of forks and spoons all still filthy from the previous meals.

The blind man shuffles through some of them, sniffing each and every one, before he says, "Ah! Freshly-made and perfectly cooked roast beef! I'd like some of that please!" The cook, who was the host's wife, had just made a fresh batch that day which was unusually excellent. Naturally, the host was very much amazed.

He then went into the kitchen and explained the wonder that had just took place in the restaurant to his wife (the cook.) Both amazed, the host took the roast beef out to the man who ate it, paid, and left.

This occurred several more times and each time the blind man ordered something different knowing what he wanted based on dirty forks and spoons. Approximately a year later, the owner decides to play a joke on the blind man by convincing his wife to stick a spoon up her vagina for the blind man to sniff.

Holding back a giggle, the blind man raises the spoon to his nose, takes in a deep sniff, and laughs for a moment before stating, "I didn't know Mary works here!"

_________________________
If someone teaches you hate, it's best to return the favor through teaching them fear.

A man picks up his lovely date at her parent's house, then takes her to a fancy restaurant. She orders the most expensive items on the menu; shrimp coctail, lobster, and a nice glass of champaign. The man is pissed, he asks "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?" "No." she replies, "But my mother's not expecting a blow job." The man then asks her if she wants dessert.

Dr Seuss 2011: I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam. I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books. I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals. I do not like ex-speaker Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'..I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free. I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies. I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it. nope, nope, nope.

p.s. I couldn't edit my post above this one and add it to the bottom as a second paragraph, I guess there's a timer on being able to edit your own stuff... sorry about the double post.

I came across this joke a long time ago and just remembered it today. I'm not sure if it has been posted before and to be honest I didn't even look:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.There are 10 commandments, not 12.There are 12 disciples, not 10.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."The reccomended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess""Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right.""No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!""I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes"