5 Terrible Things I Learned Working as a 911 Dispatcher

I went into the job of 911 operator and police dispatcher with certain expectations: I'd hear crazy shit, I'd help people, and everyone involved would be super serious. As in "A Very Special Episode" serious. I mean, there I was, a part of the "thin blue line" that separates you from the barbarism at the edge of civilization -- it can't get more somber than that. So it was my job to help while remaining detached, dispassionate, and cool. Imagine my surprise when I found out ...

#5. Most Calls to the Emergency Line Aren't Emergencies

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If you were raised right, you view 911 as something very close to sacred that's only to be used in direst need. I have some unfortunate news: A lot of people were not raised properly by their parents and/or television. They dial 911 at the drop of a hat. The vast majority of calls to 911 are in no way an emergency. In a given day, 75 percent of the calls don't involve anything life- or property-threatening.

This girl called in once and wanted to report that her boyfriend had stolen something from her and threatened her. She put the phone down but forgot to end the call -- maybe she expected me to? But we're not allowed to break contact until you do (imagine getting hung up on by your 911 operator). Apparently she was having an argument with her boyfriend and wanted to prove she'd lie to the police to get him in trouble. I distinctly heard her say, "See, you'd better shape up!" She wound up getting busted for filing a false report, but punishments like that are few and far between.

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images"Hello, the sudoku answers the woman next to me keeps putting down are a crime against math."

Chattanooga, Tennessee, has one of the largest freshwater aquariums in the world. People would get kicked out of the aquarium for cussing and "making eyes" at the seals. (Sexy eyes? Angry eyes? Which option is less disturbing?) These same "too hot for the aquarium" folks would call 911 and complain that their First Amendment rights were being violated. But private companies can absolutely kick you off of their property, and 911 wouldn't be the right place to call in that "emergency" anyway. Is there any situation in which your ability to lustily eye-fuck some seals constitutes an emergency?

Rusty Dodson/iStock/Getty ImagesWell, not now, but maybe in four hours.

During the recent snowpocalypse, one woman called because her disabled son couldn't get out to work and we needed to come clean their driveway. Roughly half of the American South was under ice at that point, so we didn't consider his case a priority, and besides -- it's tough to attach a plow to the front of an ambulance. It's mostly zip ties and duct tape, then you have to throw all the dying patients out to make room for the gravel ... it's just a hassle.

#4. When You Call Matters a Lot

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When we're short-staffed, there's nothing to do but stay at your station, even if you need to pee. Try not to think of your 911 operator urinating into a Mountain Dew bottle while you recount your tragic water slide accident. When the storm of the century hits? I still have to get to work. Even if my car's stuck in the driveway, they'll find someone with a 4x4 and push it out. 911 does not get snow days.

Doug Schneider/iStock/Getty ImagesCuriously, Columbus Day is still observed.

The second shift is from around 2 p.m. to 10 p.m., so it's obviously the busiest shift, and all the folks with seniority got their asses transferred away as soon as possible. This means the most experienced dispatchers aren't around during the busiest hours. And hey, that's like most other workplaces. The folks with seniority are going to use their seniority to make work suck less. Unfortunately, our "work" happens to be "dealing with terrible calamities," and if those calamities happen at the wrong time, there could be nothing but a room full of newbies to help. It's not exactly comforting to be on the phone screaming "There's fire everywhere -- oh God, the bees! Not the bees! Arghhblgg!" and be met with "Bear with me, sir, it's my first day."

#3. You Will Get Personally Invested in Your Calls

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We got a call from a woman who thought she was about to be robbed at gunpoint. There was a prowler outside her house, and it was my job to direct the cops there and keep her calm. But I was just a hair away from freaking out myself, because I knew that at any second there could be the sound of breaking glass, followed by the woman screaming. It's like watching a horror movie while knowing that it's all happening for real across town. See if you don't yell at the screen a bit then.

This was one of the most emotional cases of my career. I had an officer en route, and after a few minutes he told us he was on scene, so I told the caller to open her front door and go outside to meet him. She walked out and told me there was no one outside. I asked the officer where he was and it turned out he'd lied, for whatever reason, and was still a few minutes out. Officer Round-to-the-Nearest-Hour was dicking about God knows where, and this lady had just opened her door and walked out into prowler territory. She (understandably) freaked out, and all I could do was tell her to get back inside and lock the door. My inclination was to say, "The police officer just put you in danger and you should sue the police department," but instead I said he was "around back" and kept that charade up until Officer Mosey casually wandered onto the scene.