I Don't Blame Gerard Depardieu for Peeing on a Plane

In today's thrilling celebrity news, Gérard Depardieupeed on the carpet of an Air France plane. (Boy, I've waited my whole life to start an article with that sentence. Pulitzer judges? Your search is over.) Apparently when the French film icon was told that he couldn't use the facilities until the delayed flight left the tarmac, he just unzipped his fly and let 'er rip.

Naturally, everyone is incredibly disgusted by his behavior and he's pretty much the butt of every celeb-news website's joke today, but ... well, I'm not sure I blame him.

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I mean, to be clear, there's no way *I* would have resorted to such drastic measures. For one thing, it's a lot easier for a man to unleash the booze-heavy contents of his bladder all over the cabin of a commercial jet—I would have had to position myself in the middle of the aisle, assume an awkward squatting position, make sure my shoes were out of the way, and—

Um, it's probably best not to visualize that. All I'm saying is that when you've got to go, you've got to go. I haven't read any reports about how long the flight was delayed, but who knows, maybe it was for a really long time. How frustrating would it be to just sit, idling on the tarmac, while the flight crew snottily informs you that the restrooms are locked? Especially if you'd been drinking, say, at least 12 bottles of wine beforehand.

(I'm not saying he was, I'm just saying that based on his general appearance, I think he could easily absorb 12 bottles before reaching Maximum Urine Capacity.)

Plus, I sort of think airlines deserve to get pissed on these days. Everything about air travel has become ridiculously expensive, uncomfortable, and downright degrading—not to mention full of seemingly arbitrary and contradictory rules. I'm thinking specifically about a horrible flight I had a while ago when I'd lost my wallet and couldn't pay the bag fee, so the airline forced me to haul my oversized luggage through security (losing all my shampoos, etc., in the process), only to take my bag from me at the gate at no charge. Later, they refused to give me a single extra packet of pretzels ("Sorry, ma'am, but you can purchase one for $5 if you choose"), so I got to enjoy an eight-hour trip with no food.

Anyway, personal issues ASIDE, I'm thinking that Depardieu may have had the right idea. Come on, people, let's take back our dignity in the airports! Next time they subject you to that full-body scan, why not drop your pants and let them know what you really think?

Sadly, Depardieu's actions didn't really help him out, nor did it earn him any friends, since the jet immediately returned to the gate and forced all 127 passengers to disembark. Then the flight was delayed two hours while they cleaned the mess. (Clearly the ground crew had no experience with removing human waste. Hey Air France, next time, call any potty-training mom!)

The carrier even posted a cheeky tweet about the incident:

As you may have seen on the news, we are busy mopping the floor of one of our planes this morning. We'd also like to remind all passengers that our planes are fully equipped with toilet facilities.

Yeah, but hello, you wouldn't let the big fat drunk French guy use them. Let this be a lesson to us all: airlines, you need to start treating us with a little decency. And people, NEVER sit next to Gérard Depardieu on an international flight.