“Elf on the Shelf” is a tattle tale stalker.

I know all you moms who cherish your precious “Elf on the Shelf” are probably incredibly offended right now. Please take some solace in knowing this post is not directed at you.

This post has nothing to do with you really. You’ve made your decision and really, there’s no turning back. Now you get to spend the next how every many Decembers searching Pinterest and trying to “one-up” your Elf-hijinx from last year. Have fun with that. I’m sure Sparkle Twittle or Snowflake Doodle will bring your family all the joy you need over the holidays.

Anyone who looks at you like that should be investigated…

Seriously though, I’m sure your kids love it and congrats, that’s awesome. I just don’t have the patience and I think it’s creepy. That and I’m probably a rotten mother.

This post is for those on the fence (or the shelf?) about buying one or those of us who think this elf is just plain stupid.

If you haven’t heard of this tradition, the idea is that this “special scout elf” was sent to your family from the north pole to spy on your kids during the month of December. Along the way, he gets into some hijinx of his own. It is apparently the most popular Christmas product since the 12 Days of Christmas or even Santa himself or something like that (seriously I have no idea but it seems pretty darn popular). It has sold millions and families just eat this little guy (or gal) up.

Ok so right off the bat, I have to wonder if we are really having THAT much trouble keeping our kids under control? I seriously don’t want to sound like one of those snotty moms who thinks her offspring only poop rainbows and their tears are made of sugar-water (trust me, my kids are far from it)… but seriously people!? WTF?

We already have a naughty & nice list. We made our kid wait in line, sweating to see Santa while every bad thing they’ve ever done flashed before their eyes for fear the big man might bring one of those incidents up. And then we have this elf, who comes out only 1 month before Christmas to watch their every move – like everything they did up until then apparently no longer matters!

Talk about trust issues!?!

Sure, let’s teach our kids that Santa doesn’t trust them worth a damn and their entire list is on the line this month. Scare them straight! It works on that tv show with the kids who go to prison for the day, right?

Seriously, these things are like 1 chromosome away from being a scary clown.

To top it off, what the heck do you do as a parent if your kid misbehaves in December? Like hell are you returning those gifts. You will come up with some reason why your kid still deserves them — and that kid, if they have half a brain, is going to figure out that his family elf actually did shit-all in his reporting duties back to Santa.

I also don’t like the direction this is going. What happens to my kids when all the other kids in their class end up with one of these things? Will there be elf-bullies who taunt my kids because their mom doesn’t love them enough to buy them one? Do I then feel obligated to buy one so they fit in?

Gosh, I could go on and on about how much I hate this “tradition” but I think you get the idea. So before you go inviting this creepy looking dude into your home, think about it. Do you want to spend every night for 1 month a year coming up with unique shit to do with a toy that eerily looks similar to a crazy clown? Do you really want your kids to feel like they are being stalked by Santa every moment of every day? At this point, you might as well tell them that the elf can also read their minds so every bad thought also counts against them.

So Merry Christmas to you and your tattle-tale of an elf. Now someone be a dear and bring me a beernog. Haven’t heard of a beer nog? It’s where you pour a glass of egg nog, then dump it down the drain and drink a beer instead. My kind of holiday.

Entrepreneur, Child-Wrangler and Domestic-Goddess-Wannabe, Jenn is a married, mother of two. She is also the founder of That's So Social and Editor in Chief of Travel Mavens.
Likes: travel, eggs benedict, yoga pants, dogs, and Netflix.