Main menu

Actual conversations...

Pages

After a good, long run, we have decided to close our forums in an effort to refocus attention to other sections of the site. Fortunately for you all, we're living in a time where discussion of a favorite topic now has a lot of homes. So we encourage you all to bring your ravenous love for discussion to Chuck's official Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. And, as always, you can still post comments on all News updates. Thank you for your loyalty and passion over the years. These changes will happen June 1.

You should've said, "No, no, no, this should be easy for you. My name almost rhymes, like a rap tune," and then started beat-boxing while repeating your name in a tone of street authority but I'm glad you didn't because that's disgusting and stupid and you would've got your ass kicked.

me:you need to be a lil rougher
guy:i can't i'm scared
me:well than let me do it
guy:no,no, i can do it. let me try.
me[sitting back getting frustrated that the guy isn't being rough enough]
guy:is this rough enough
me:okay, now you're being too rough. you have to feel where you're going
guy: huh, i just don't have the right touch like you do

This was Monday trying to skin our dissection cat. It was real annoying watching my lab partners fumble with the cat.

Him: Oh crap I was supposed to call some lady this morning about my hospital billing
Me: I text you early this morning too. Too bad you were knocked out.
[pass by an old rusted car entangled in foliage over the side of the trail]
Him: Oh shit looks like someone didn't make it off the trail.
Me:[laughs]
Him: That's a beehive now. There's probably a grave somewhere down there too where someone dumped a dead body.

We keep walking/talking.Random guy approaches from the opposite side of the trail.

Random guy: I usually ride my bike up here from Covina but I got hit by two cars so I walk it now to work out my hips.

My friend: Oh, good for you man.

Keep walking away.

Me: (whispers) I want what he's smoking
Him: Probably peyote. That wasn't weird at all. Guy must've had a guilty conscious he's probably gonna go look for that body he dumped or a briefcase full of money. Hey man why you have your hands in your pocket are you touching yourself or something?
Why you wearing sunglasses man? Let me see your eyes. Why they so dilated huh?

So random that native american looking dude telling us his incident.

Then we came back to my house and talked some more about a bunch of random things like strip clubs:

Him: Yeah, I'll never go back to a strip club. They ripped me off so bad.
Me: When aren't they a rip off? So what happened how did they rip you off?
Him: I was in San Francisco with my cousins and it was my first time to a real strip club. Not those ones where the strippers look like men and you can see their Adam's apple and shit. Anyway, one of the girls came up to me and asked if I wanted to go to the back I just sat there like [squints eyes in apprehension] then she shook her ass a bit and I was like alright. So we go to some room and she's giving me a lap dance and telling me what she'll do for a hundred bucks. I hold out the the bill and she takes from me and then hands me a tissue box Stripper: Here go ahead and finish yourself off I was so pissed. I asked for my money back and she was all But you gave it to me. I didn't give it to you bitch. Me holding my money out and you taking it out of my hand is not the same as me giving it to you. And if I wanted to jack off I could've done that at home!

Me:[laughing]

Him: So what chores did you have to work on today?

Me: Aw, man this is gonna sound bad but I have to trim the bushes in the front and in the back.

Him: Speaking of bushes in the back I just realized the other day how hairy my cousin's ass is. He hasn't mooned me in a while but he did the other day and I told him Dude why aren't you shaving your ass? Cousin: I'm not getting any pussy so I don't care. Well you should try getting pussy with your hairy ass. Tell some girl you want to start a fire.

Me: Hahaha that's fucking gross.

Him: (Acting like his cousin trying to get a girl) What your vagina's dirty? Here let me help you scrub it clean. ( Ass hovering over imaginary girl like he's using his ass hairs to clean girl)

Me: Oh man. (Laughing)

Him:(Goes back to talking about the chores I have to do) So why don't you go hire some Mexican dude? Just be real sweet on him.

Me: Ha! Yeah, I'll tell him I can't pay him but that I can give him a box of tissues.

I: murder, murder everywhere
F: well yeah
I: i picked flowers
I: and then murdered them
I: they're now in a teeny tiny glass
F: hurrah
I: what do i do now?
I: where do i bury the corpse?
F: KILL BABIES
I: i have none
I: should i kill mario?
F: NO
F: FUCK MARIO, THAT NIGGER
I: i was productive today
I: did 3 speeches and a page and a half on my thesis
F: but did you save the dolphins?
I: i saved only one
I: my conscience!
F: ............
I: will you... will you forgive me?
F: NO
I: can i kill an orca instead?
F: NO
I: don't deny me
F: sorry i was ordering a decilious pizza
F: delicious
I: is it decimated?
I: i'll have delicious pizza tomorrow too
I: a 41 cm wide one, almost as big as me

Yesterday's conversation with my nephews, Antonio (15YOA) and Robert (9YOA).

Me: 16 more days and then Sinatra will be ball-less.
Antonio - That sucks for him.
Me: We're both better off. They say having him fixed keeps him healthier. I know he'll be less hyper too, so thats good for me.
Antonio: I'd rather be sick than have no balls.
Me: Haha. I was thinking of asking if they can put a zipper on his nutsack once his balls are removed so I can use it as a little bag. Maybe put my wallet in there or an plastic bag just in case he craps while on one of our walks.
Robert (in an excited voice): You can put treats in there for him! When he does a good job he can open the zipper and help himself to a treat!

Me: The tickets are in A [Placebo concert, A sector - the best]
Alex: Ooh, perfect. Thank you, thank you, thanks a million.
Me: No problem :)
Alex: Still, thanks a lot.
Me: This time I'll be stuck to the fence, 2 metres away from Brian. [Molko]
Alex: Well I wish us both to be stuck to the fence actually. My sister's ticket is in A, as well.
Me: I wish her the same thing.
Me: I'll wear platforms for this. So I could see better.
Alex: Do that! I can't hold you through all the show.
Me: I know, I know. Gotta keep moving.
Me: I seriously can't wait for this, more than I can't wait to graduate.
Alex: August is a long way from now, nevertheless... it'll be really amazing.
Me: I KNOW! Oh if only they played The Movie [On Your Eyelids]... They played it live a few times, so it's not entirely impossible. Like My Sweet Prince, for instance.
Alex: wow, that would be insane.
Alex: I'd die inside you. [Space Monkey line]
Me: Definitely.
Alex: Listen, I'll be right back. Gotta go for a little wank.
Me: All right, godspeed :D

Shop Guy: So where are you going on your holiday then?
Mum: To Tenerife.
Shop Guy: Very nice... [to me] Are you going too?
H: No, this is my holiday.
Mum: What are you talking about? [To Shop Guy] She just got back from Paris!
Shop Guy: Wow! Paris... did you go on your own?
H: ??????????? ....erm, no, I went with my boyfriend actually.

R: He's dead.
Fiend: Who is dead?
R: You know whose dead.
Fiend: Your dad's dead. The cancer, was it?
R: Yes, yes.
Fiend: Well I'd take a shot with you to mark the fucking occasion. How do you feel?
R: Fine. Especially if he left me money.
Fiend: When will you know?
R: During the funeral on Wednesday.
Fiend: Can I come?
R: To the funeral?
Fiend: Yeah.
R: You do not want to go to my family's funeral.
Fiend: I do. Let me come, you prick.
R: And if you think my cousin will be there, she won't.
Fiend: Oh.
R: I got my ass raped by a scalpel.
Fiend: Elaborate.
R: I got four hemmoroids lanced. They stick a needle right in your ass. The cure is worse than the disease.
Fiend: Christ.
R: I know.
Fiend: In your assHOLE?
R: Yeah.
Fiend: Christ.
R: These things happen in threes, and I got arrested, too. I don't know if I should count that my dad died or if something else is coming.
Fiend: Why wouldn't she be at the funeral?
R: Different family.
Fiend: She could show up regardless. For moral support.

A friend of mine was in my hometown this week. He's the only real life person I know who has a job that pays him to fly to a different city every week like Clooney in Up In The Air. He called to tell me about it.

Guy: You know... I've never ever been to any city that has this many...
Me: Construction sites?
Guy: No... that's New York...
Me: Pick up trucks?
Guy: Nope... Stillwater...
Me: Gas stations with no pumps that have signs that say they sell burgers AND gyros but are really just one Indian teenager with a slot machine?
Guy: What? No! Condom stores. They're everywhere. Why do they need their own store and why are there so many of them? I know they're sex shops but I just keep picturing 50,000 varieties of condoms. Like a fruit store in the middle of the Amazon jungle.

Important Disclaimer: Although this is Chuck Palahniuk’s official website, we are in essence, more an official ‘fansite.’ Chuck Palahniuk himself does not own nor run this website. Nor did he create it. It was started by Dennis Widmyer, who is the webmaster and editor of most of the content. Chuck Palahniuk himself should not be held accountable nor liable for any of the content posted on this website. The opinions expressed in the news updates, content pages and message boards are not the opinions of Chuck Palahniuk nor his publishers. If you are trying to contact Chuck Palahniuk, sending emails to this website will not get you there. You should instead, take the more professional route of contacting his publicist at Doubleday.