When I heard our game was being moved to noon to accomodate ESPN or ESPN2, I could only think of one thing: Pam Ward. And there is no good way to think of Pam Ward. And now, since the game was being moved, we had a 50% shot of her ruining our game.

Then, even worse news: our game was indeed on ESPN2 at noon. That is where the beast Pam Ward fucking lives. The noon ESPN2 time slot is her lair. No one enters and leaves alive. Look what happened to the Mountaineers against Marshall in the first half? Pam Ward fucking shut us down. Pat “Ken” McAfee knows what I’m talking about. So did Rasheed “Wallace” Marshall. All had little chance.

But then, a miracle. A reprieve, if you will. I heard six of the most beautiful words my ears had ever heard: Dave Pasch, Andre Ware, Erin Andrews. Oh thank the good Lord. Because of this news, September 22nd will no longer be the day that I commit suicide. Instead, it will be the day that I watch a Mountaineer football game. Actually, it doesn’t matter since I will be at the game, but I still would’ve committed suicide in honor of those who were forced to endure the national nightmare that is Pam Ward.

And since we’re not plagued by Ward that is Pam, I am declaring today a festival of chicks hotter than he/she. Significantly hotter.

Well, my worst nightmare has come to fruition, and all it took was the announcement that Pam Ward will be doing (what she calls) play-by-play for the WVU-Marshall game. I knew she always did noon games, but it didn’t even dawn on me that she could do 11 AM games, too. Actually, I didn’t realize you could actually play games before noon, but luckily, Marshall set me straight on that one.

Either way, you’re screwed for September 8th. My recommendation is pay whatever you need to pay to get into the stadium, listen to Tony on the radio, or pray for sweet release from Pam Ward:

Well, my worst nightmare has come to fruition, and all it took was the announcement that Pam Ward will be doing (what she calls) play-by-play for the WVU-Marshall game. I knew she always did noon games, but it didn’t even dawn on me that she could do 11 AM games, too. Actually, I didn’t realize you could actually play games before noon, but luckily, Marshall set me straight on that one.

Either way, you’re screwed for September 8th. My recommendation is pay whatever you need to pay to get into the stadium, listen to Tony on the radio, or pray for sweet release from Pam Ward:

Football season is right around the corner. Excitement fills the air. Even when you are most excited and jubilant, there is a creeping thought in the back of your head that something might still go wrong.

That creeping lesbian of a thought is Pam Ward.

Actually, I don’t mean to call Pam Ward a lesbian. Her bad announcing is worthy to stand on it’s own for ridicule. And ridicule you must. I suggest you get started now, since you only have 8 days (hey, like Hanukah!) to touch on all of her awfulness.

Pam Ward is the reason I hate noon games. I don’t care if we’re playing Fairmont State in the Sideyard Brawl…if that game is at noon, I am immediately terrified that Pam Ward might be announcing it for ESPN2. I would be happier having the game not televised at all. Come to think of it, if given the choice between losing a game or winning a game announced by Pam Ward, there would be a looooong pause before I gave my answer.

Still thinking.

So when I took a look at this year’s schedule, I wasn’t thrilled seeing both Mississippi State and UConn at home…at noon. These are classic Pam Ward games, outside of her annual Wisconsin-Illinois tilt. The moral of the story is — beware. These noon games are just around the corner. Try your damnedest to get tickets and light your DVR on fire before leaving for the game. You’ll thank me later.

Also, thank me now for only being able to find such a small picture of Pam.