[Scene: Catskills Lodge. Fry, Leela, Bender, Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Amy are on a ski holiday. The room is packed with people waiting for a show.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head.

[The audience cheer.]

O'Brien: Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. [Max Weinberg's head is just a skull in a jar. O'Brien gasps.] Looks like someone forgot to feed Max. [Bender spits his drink out and laughs.] So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?

[He points at Farnsworth who skis expertly down the slope. He is actually asleep.]

[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela ski.]

Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!

Leela: Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.

Trees: [mechanical voice] Trees down.

[The trees go down and Fry and Leela ski over them.]

Fry: Cool. Hey, what do you do if you want the trees up?

Trees: [mechanical voice] Trees up.

[The trees go up and one takes Fry with it.]

Fry: [hoarse] Trees down!

Trees: [mechanical voice] Trees down.

[They go back down and Fry gets buried under the snow with one. Bender speeds past on a snowboard. He is wearing a red and blue hat and has a cigar in his mouth.]

Bender: Lookin' good, meatball!

[A man skis alongside Bender.]

Man #1: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.

Bender: Lick my frozen, metal ass. [He laughs.] Uh-oh!

[He falls over the edge of a cliff and screams as he falls towards a frozen lake. Children skate on the ice. Bender plummets straight through the surface. The ice around cracks and the children fall in. They scream.]

Child: [shouting] Mommy!

[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another. He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled car and Fry stands behind him.]

Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!

Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

Fry: Yup, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes: A true inspiration for the children. [A buzzer goes off and the gates open. The bobsled doesn't move forward and it tips over.] Um, a little help please? [Zoidberg pushes the bobsled and it slides down the track upside-down.][screaming] Nooo!

[Zoidberg laughs, slips, falls and slides down the track after Hermes. Fry laughs.]

Fry: Oh, what the hell! [He takes a run up and slides after Hermes and Zoidberg. He hits something at the bottom.] Ow!

[Scene: Catskills Lodge. Amy chats up a man in a cast.]

Amy: You poor man. What happened to you?

Man #2: Well, there I was on the triple diamond slope, when suddenly--

[Leela sits on the arm of a couch in front of the fire and Fry sits next to her on the couch. The Xmas tree is in the middle of the room. Farnsworth leads a string of lights around the bottom of the trunk. Amy takes a star out of a box and uses a jet pack to get to the top of the tree. She hits her head on the ceiling.]

Amy: Ow!

Fry: Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose for goose burgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. [Amy flies around the room and crashes.] This dumb holiday just makes me think of all the things I left behind. Let's just stop talking about Xmas.

[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela opens her locker and gets out a photo album. She looks at photos of her childhood. One shows her as a baby in an area marked "Abandoned Property". Another shows her outside the Orphanarium, smiling. Children point at her and laugh. Another shows her at her senior prom with no date. She closes the album and a tear falls onto it.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room.]

Fry: What's the point of Xmas when everyone you know died a thousand years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth. [Enter Leela, drying her tears.] Hey, Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here, huh? [She runs out crying more.]Yoiks! What was that about?

Amy: Fluh! She's an orphan.

Farnsworth: Yes, and the only one of her species in all the known universe. What a lonely life.

Linda: [on TV] Earlier today I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots. [The TV picture cuts to a robot shelter.] Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.

[Bender heads for the door.]

Amy: Where are you going, Bender?

Bender: To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for homeless robots.

Hermes: Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything charitable.

Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?

Fry: Whose blood?

Bender: Some guy's.

[He leaves.]

Fry: I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.

Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance.

[He starts scuttling and singing.]

Fry: So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I have a better idea! I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present. Something so great she'll never want to be unhappy again.

Hermes: Just be back by sundown, mon.

Fry: We'll see. I like to haggle.

Amy: You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll be killed!

Fry: Say what?

Farnsworth: Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa Claus.

Fry: I know about Santa Claus.

[He winks.]

Farnsworth: Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute presents accordingly. But something went wrong.

Fry: Wow! 2801! Anyway...

[He turns to leave.]

Farnsworth: Wait, you fool! Due to a programming error, Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty.

Amy: If he catches you after dark, he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors.

[Fry gulps.]

Farnsworth: Nice meeting you.

[Scene: New New York City Street. Bender is dressed as a homeless robot, wearing a torn woollen hat and fingerless gloves. He walks into Our Motherboard of Mercy Liquor Kitchen.]

Fry: You're the last store open. I need something for my friend Leela. [He looks at an eight-legged sausage dog, Bongo the rabbit from Life in Hell and a tiny giraffe in a birdcage. He doesn't like any of them.] Just give me your best animal.

Salesman #2: Best? Well that's a matter of opinion. I personally like the Electric Snail.

[He picks up the snail in a jar. The shell sparks like a Jacob's ladder.]

Fry: That's a stupid animal. You're stupid! I said I want the best one. Now which costs more? The parrot or the Stink Lizard?

Salesman #2: The lizards are a buck each, the parrot is $500.

[Fry whistles.]

Fry: That's a hell of a good parrot. Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy ties a ribbon around a present. She holds the knot with her finger and Zoidberg cuts off the excess. On the other side of the room, Farnsworth and Hermes play chess naked. Enter Leela.]

Amy: Hey, it's Leela.

Leela: Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.

Farnsworth: Huh? You were gone?

Leela: It's just that I get tired of Fry always only thinking of himself.

Hermes: I hear that! I aks him to set the table, instead he goes out to buy you a present. Selfish dog.

Leela: Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's in danger!

Zoidberg: Why?

Leela: I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town!

[Scene: New New York City Street. The parrot flies towards a tall building with a large digital clock face. Fry looks up at it from the street.]

Fry: Alright, bird, you thought you could beat me in a game of wits. But you just met your equal.

[Cut to: Outside Building. Fry opens a hatch and steps out onto the clock face. He drops the cage and gulps. The parrot edges away from him. He steps closer to it. The parrot moves to the edge.]

Fry: Aha! Cornered!

[He leaps for the bird but it flies away before he can get a hold of it. He loses his balance and falls. He grabs onto the "2"on the clock. It changes to a "3" then a "4". He falls a little further. It changes to a "5", a "6" and then a "7". With nothing to hold on to, he falls. Leela grabs him from a hatch.]

Leela: Hi, there!

Fry: Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life. I am gonna get you so many lizards!

[Leela smiles.]

[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]

Leela: You didn't need to buy me a present, Fry.

Fry: I just wanted to do something to make you happy. I mean, I miss my family but you never even had a family.

Bender: Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us in for a traditional glass of hard cider?

Hattie: Oh, alright. But just one glass! [The robots go inside and she closes the door. We hear the robots guzzling down the cider.][from inside] OK, that's enough. [They carry on drinking.] I said that's enough!

Bender: [from inside] Get her purse!

[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Leela are still running from Santa. They jump to the ground and Santa swoops over them in his sleigh, turns around and heads back towards them.]

Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!

Santa: You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!

[He throws a bauble-grenade at Fry and Leela. They run into an alcove and it explodes. Santa flies his sleigh around ready for the kill. Leela tries a door but it's locked.]

Leela: We're trapped.

Fry: I never thought it would end this way: Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, I didn't see it coming!

Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you. A set of combs for your beautiful hair.

Amy: Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.

[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]

Hermes: Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.

[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]

Zoidberg: Thank you. These'll come in handy for my new hair. [He pulls his hat off. Amy's and Hermes' hair is grafted to his head.] Finally I look as pretty as I feel!

Fry: [shouting; from outside] Help!

Leela: [shouting; from outside] Help!

Bender: [shouting; from outside] Help!

[The staff look through the window. Fry, Leela and the robots are still being chased by Santa. They run towards the Planet Express building.]

Farnsworth: Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep. And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.

[Enter Fry, Leela and the robots. There is a crash on the roof.]

Hermes: Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the roof!

Farnsworth: Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover! [Fry and Leela run over to the cover and start to push it. It moves very slowly.] Push! Push!

Bender: Use teamwork!

[The chimney is nearly covered when Santa sticks a candy cane through a gap and rolls the cover back. The staff gasp. Santa and the reindeer fly in.]

Tinny Tim: Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

[Hermes dives behind the sofa.]

Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you.

[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]

Zoidberg: A pogo-stick!

[He giggles and bounces around the room.]

Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts.

Bender: Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you. [Santa whacks Bender over the head with his sack.] Ow! God! The pain!

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Time to get jolly on your naughty asses!

[He laughs maniacally.]

Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitro-glycerine!

[A robo-reindeer's nose beeps and flashes red.]

Amy: Rudolph's nose!

Fry: [shouting] He's gonna blow!

[Everyone screams. Zoidberg cuts a wire hanging from the Xmas tree.]

Zoidberg: Aha!

[The wire falls and electrocutes Santa. Leela kicks him and the rest of the staff use the Xmas tree to push him and his sleigh into the chimney. The robots cover it with the armour-plated cover. The reindeer beeps faster and the cover rocks as Santa explodes.]