EVENTS

Electromagnetic Witchcraft & Techno Demons, Oh My!

Full Court Batshit.

Today, we have full on bugfuck for you, courtesy of one Pat Holliday, of the Miracle Internet Church, chatting with conspiracy fantasist Sheila Zilinsky.

“The government had a plan called Blue Beam back in the ’80s where they were going to fake a rapture of the church through blue beams and being able to shoot holographs up into the sky,” Holliday said, insisting that this was evidence of the “electronic magnetic witchcraft” that controls the world through everything from satanism and astrology to holistic medicine and sports.

Sigh. Y’know, it’s quite easy to spot a hologram and expose it, so just what would the fucking point be? I’m sure you’d be surprised just how much a whole lot of people wish you would get whisked off somewhere. Anywhere but here. Best be careful about including sports in all that nonsense, that’s damn near a religion in itself here in Amerikka.

“Did you know that the witchcraft powers in America had total control under the NFL over Obama?” Holliday asserted. “What Trump is doing and has done is he has disconnected the NFL from the powers of the former government.”

Oh, that’s why you included sports. Just had to get a snipe in at people of colour being damn tired and deciding to not fucking take it anymore. Sweet of you. Unfortunately for you, the NFL is not disconnected from great swathes of the population, including most in government. Amerikkans love their sportsball.

“Trump is doing a lot of things,” she said, including saving the world from certain calamity. Claiming that there is an “educated and refined witch or a wizard that is pulling the strings” over America, Holliday asserted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would have resulted in a world war that would have killed nearly the entire human population.

Oh FFS, now we’re living in a simplistic Harry Potter plot? Can’t you come up with something better than that? Think. Try to be original, and that’s a tough call, given all the speculative fiction floating about. Ever so nice that educated and refined are now code words for evil. You obscurantist idiots might love your lack of education, but I embrace mine and keep on learning every day. That you fear learning so much is all the more reason to love it.

“If Hillary Clinton had won the presidency of the United States of America, we may not even be here talking to you,” Holliday said, “because they did have a World War III planned where they were going to destroy 90 percent of the people. What they wanted to do was take control over the world by going down into their underground cities, we would all be dead and then, when it was time, they could come out of their underground cities and rule the world with Satan. That was their plan and they were almost there, but God has intervened.”

Pardon me asking, but where’s the thrill in dominating a decimated population? Sounds like a bad plan to me, more like the idiotic plan you would come up with, Ms. Holliday. You all really need to shut up, you’re doing a great deal of damage by breathing such profound stupidity into the air. We have enough climate problems.

Did you know that the witchcraft powers in America had total control under the NFL over Obama?

Try as I might, I can’t make sense of that sentence. Do the witchcraft powers report to the football players? Does the President report to the witchcraft powers? If that’s how it is, why were these people losing their minds over a low-level lackey? Shouldn’t they have gone to war with the dark-overlord-football-players?

Also, do they control every President, or is it just Obama? I guess what I’m trying to understand with that question is whether or not the witchcraft powers (or the football players) can fire the current President. Or at least turn him into something small and slimy with neither the power of speech nor thumbs.

What Trump is doing and has done is he has disconnected the NFL from the powers of the former government.

That doesn’t clear things up at all. I thought the power flowed in the other direction; you can’t fire your dark overlords. At least, not without a really big volcano with an ominous-sounding name. If the current sack of bumbling butt-nuggets can disconnect the witchcraft powers, then they can’t have been very potent to begin with.

educated and refined witch or a wizard that is pulling the strings

Well now I’m really confused. Where does this witch or wizard fit into all this? Are they a part of the witchcraft powers, or are they above the football players?

Then I see Satan comes in there at the end, but he’s beaten by God? Wait, what does that have to with the rest of this? Where is Satan on the flowchart? Is he… what? A football coach? A team owner? Huh. That kind of makes sense, actually. Certainly, having to play/watch American football is my idea of hell.