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'Real Housewives of New Jersey' Reunion, Part 1: Fight! Fight! But where's the ham?

August 31, 2010 | 10:56
am

Perhaps “Glee’s” Chris Colfer best described (via Twitter) Part 1 of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion: It “makes Avatar look like a high school production of Paint Your Wagon.”

The dude is a genius.

And since I’m still trying to wrap my head around the episode (which, by the way was way long -- it clocked in at 75 minutes), bullet points are necessary.

-- The Situation and his grenade-filled hot tub doesn’t have a fan in Teresa. The “Skinny Italian” says she “wasn’t too fond” of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” But don’t let out a “wahhhh!” just yet, Snooki! Teresa assures us that Danielle would be a welcomed addition. Maybe it’s because Teresa considers Danielle a pig? Sure, the Situation and Pauly D have voiced their opposition to zoo creatures ... but maybe farm animals are in the clear?

-- As soon as host Andy Cohen announced there’d be a montage highlighting the ladies’ vocabulary -- cleavalage (cleavage), ehtniticity (ethnicity) -- I was hoping there would be an end to Danielle’s inability to pluralize “woman.” I was wrong.

-- When trying to ambush that woman (Danielle), it helps to push Andy aside like a rag doll. Just ask Teresa. Riled up, and taking her Caroline impersonation to the extreme as she shouted “Do not break up my family! Do not break up my family! Do not break up my family!,” Teresa wasn’t going to let little ol’ Andy -- who was donning a fetching purple tie -- keep her from getting her hands on Danielle. When the host tried to shield her from going bonkers on Danielle, Teresa shoved him aside. Danielle escaped her wrath, but it’s clear Teresa has been getting taekwondo lessons from her gals. I suspect Joe has been bribing her with hot dogs.

[Update 2:38 p.m.: It seems all the shouting during last night's reunion made my hearing a little fuzzy. Thanks to reader "CP' for alerting us to a mistake! It seems Teresa was screaming (over and over) "Do not bring up my family!" She even made the clarification on her Bravo blog ... so I must not have been the only one hearing things, right?]

-- When all else fails, hairstylists will always be there to console you while ensuring your hair looks fierce.

-- While Danielle and Teresa were asked a bazillion questions about their behavior, Andy seemed to waver when it came to questioning Caroline’s face shaving. Am I the only one still utterly dumbfounded by this? The lady shaves her face. Have others heard of this exfoliating technique?

-- After Teresa’s heated outburst (the chick was grunting louder than the day she was in labor this season), you’d think Andy would know better than to show footage of Teresa’s spending habits. Nope. Instead, we were reminded of the time Marie Antoinette (an impersonator, of course) served sushi at her housewarming party. She copped to filing for bankruptcy and insists she’s adjusted her lifestyle. Here’s hoping her girls’ extravagant head pieces didn’t get hit the hardest.

-- Danielle, out of all of them, actually seemed totally aware of what she is at this point -- “I’ve become a character.”

-- But when it comes time to explain those sex tapes to her children, something tells me they’re not going to believe she’s acting. So what does she say her explanation would be? “Mommy should have been more careful and private.” Did her energist help her with that?

Show Trackers, what did you think of Part 1 of the finale? What do you think of Kim G. making an appearance next week? Were you sad there was no ham around for Teresa to throw?