BE HAPPY: HAPPILY EVER AFTER

How to Be Happy

Pursuit of happiness: Learn how you can be happy and live healthy with these quick and easy tips

How to Be HappyPursuit of happiness: Learn how you can be happy and live healthy with these quick and easy tips

John Kuczala

If there's one piece of advice that I've been hit over the head with countless times, it's: "You have to make yourself happy." It was my mother's mantra when I was growing up, and she still manages to squeeze it into one out of every three phone conversations. I heard it again from the therapists I spilled my guts to during the unhappiest years of my life so far (1997: postcollege/precareer funk; and 2000: long, painful breakup). And it's been the bottom line of every self-help book I've flipped through while hiding under a hat and sunglasses in Barnes & Noble. Great advice, yes, and I believe it to be true, but I have one major bone of contention: What if you don't know how to make yourself happy? What if you're trying your damnedest but your best days seem as much the result of blind luck as strategic planning? Is there some formula out there for attaining happiness that I don't know about?

The answer to that question is yes — and, surprisingly, no prescription drugs are involved. A small but increasing number of psychologists have shifted the focus of their work from curing mental illness to discovering which character traits, attitudes, and habits make people deeply and lastingly happy. These "positive psychologists" figure that while alleviating conditions such as depression and anxiety are worthy goals, most people don't want to settle for feeling "not bad." They want to feel really, really good. Amen to that.

Of course, it's impossible to be happy all of the time. "We've found that even the top 10 percent of happy people, rigorously measured, have some unhappy moments every day," says Martin Seligman, Ph.D., author of Authentic Happiness and founder of the positive psychology movement. While adversity — whether in the form of a bitchy cashier, a failed relationship, or a natural disaster — is unavoidable, research shows that the positive feelings you have deep down about yourself, the people close to you, and the world at large can be profoundly and permanently improved.

Find Your Good Side

Between college psych classes, daytime talk shows, and those leading questions posed by pharmaceutical ads ("Have you been feeling bored, tired, or unmotivated?"), most people have already self-diagnosed their "mental weaknesses," not to mention those of their friends, family, and significant others: obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, fear of failure, ADD ... call it a postmodern hobby. But if happiness is really what you're after, you need to quit zeroing in on your pathologies and start pinpointing — and using — your strengths. "Countless therapies advocate focusing on your shortcomings, but doing so can often cause you to backslide and feel worse," Dr. Seligman says. "Identifying and burnishing your signature strengths, however, is fun and effective for increasing positive emotion, and there's no backsliding."

In this model of happiness building, everyone wins because everyone has built-in, signature strengths, just waiting to be tapped. People who detest teamwork are advised to revel in their originality. The seldom cautious can take pride in their passion. It doesn't matter what your virtues happen to be, as long as you know what they are. To that end, go to reflectivehappiness.com and spend half an hour answering a list of carefully worded questions that will reveal your top five strengths. (If you already know that patience won't be one of them, we've created a shorter version of the quiz on page 119 that should hold you over until you get online.) Citing dozens of psychological studies as backup, Dr. Seligman states that finding ways to use your character strengths on a daily basis will directly lead to feeling better about yourself and your life in general.