A collection of short stories, articles, and poems intended to entertain, inform, and consider.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

PUSHING FIFTY

TODAY, I
turn 49, heading toward the big five-o. And what a life I’ve led. It’s chock-full
of regret and mistakes, otherwise known as life. But, you know, they say that
there comes a time in your life when you let go of the stuff you have no
control over, learn from the mistakes you’ve made, and revel in the fact that
you have enough experience to make better choices which, in turn, leads to a
better life.

I think
that has finally happened to me. I’ve come to that point in my life where I
just don’t give a hoot what others think. I finally know who I am. In this past
year, I have let go of all the regrets that I have been holding onto, I have
forgiven myself for all the mistakes that I have made, and I have stopped
looking in the past. Whenever I find myself thinking about what could have
been, I shake it off with strong shoulders and keep my head focused on the day
at hand. I have learned to live in the moment and not to expect anything from
life or from others because expectation leads to disappointment. However, that
is not to say that I am hopeless. I just believe that happiness comes in having
no expectations, and just accepting life as it comes.

I have come
to understand the things that have given me undo stress and, in re-evaluating
my life, I have rid myself of those things. I have acquired the tools with
which to hammer away at everyday stress, for life is as hard or as easy as you
want it to be, and in acquiring said tools, I have become a more confident and a
more productive person. I don’t let things get to me; life is full of
garbage, and I expect to see some.

Every day I
hear the same phrase that echoes in my mind. In serving customers at my place
of employment I often hear, “It wasn’t like that before!” I have concluded that
there are a lot of people out there who just can’t accept change. In the back
of my mind, I pray, “Please, God, don’t let me ever think like that!” The world
is constantly changing, ever evolving, and in hearing that phrase every day I
have vowed to keep up with the changes and to keep learning so that I may help
myself and those around me. I believe that when you stop learning, you become
stagnant and it is my experience that you die faster when you remain stagnant,
you develop all sorts of health problems. What’s that saying? Oh, yah, “Get
busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.” (Shawshank Redeption, I loved that movie.)
Myself, I’m gonna get busy livin’.

Gone are
the days when I used to color my hair in shades of red, blonde, and brown for
fun. A few years ago I noticed the railroad track—the part in the hair—in a
picture and it was totally white. I tried hiding it for a while, but I grew
tired of coloring it every month, so I recently liberated myself from that
prison and just let it all grow out. I am “au naturelle” baby, and I’m lovin’
every minute of it!

As for
those ten pounds that I have been trying to lose for the past ten years… well,
in finally accepting that maybe I will never get that weight off, I have
actually lost a few pounds. During the May long weekend of this year, I did
something that I hadn’t done since I was a teenager. I bought myself a string
bikini and laid on a blanket in the sun, listened to some tunes, and let it all
hang out. In retrospect, I can’t remember doing anything that relaxing in many,
many years. More and more, every day, I am doing things that make me happy. I
have let go of trying to make others happy and am taking responsibility for my
own happiness.

Getting
older has made me more comfortable in my own skin. As a young girl going through
puberty I was humiliated and chastised by family and peers. They used to say
that I had a pigeon chest and that I used to walk like a duck, as if puberty
isn’t a difficult enough time. One time, when I had just started high school, I
remember a fellow student coming to me to tell me to start wearing a bra. (I
was 12, but well-developed.) Of course, I had to go home and ask for one, thank
goodness my mother was accommodating to the need, but those things were the
kinds of things that made me feel ashamed of my body, of being a girl. When I
was a young teen, I was date-raped, and even though there was a lot of talk
about me and promiscuity, I didn’t have sexual relations until well after high
school, until I left home and went out on my own. I had never been comfortable
with being a woman and often wished that I were a man. Having no sisters, I
grew up a tomboy. There were times in my life when I actually thought I was a
lesbian. (Maybe that remains to be seen.) For me, it has been extremely
difficult being a woman. I was always trying to do what I thought a woman
should do. I was so conflicted. I never had a fashion bone in my body. I never
looked good in a dress. Rarely, have I had long hair. I was never a girly girl.
(Shit, maybe I was a DUFF!) The point is, I really don’t give a shit anymore. I’ve
become comfortable with the way I look. I dress in t-shirts and jeans, boots
and sweatshirts. I’ve given up trying to look like something I’m not. After
all, I don’t live in Hollywood, I live in CANADA!

At this
juncture in my life I have come to appreciate the things in my life. My
partner, my child, the food in my fridge, the clothes in my closet, the car I
drive, my home, my finances. I also appreciate the things that people do for me
and the kindness of strangers. When I was young I didn’t really think too much
about these things. I was too busy trying to get more, trying to get what I
wanted when I wanted it; I was always thinking about myself, what I could get
and what people could do for me. (What can I say, it was a selfish time.) Now,
I see that it is important to appreciate what I have and know that it is far
better to give than to receive. And, when you give out of the kindness of your
heart, and not for your own selfish reasons, there is a satisfaction in that,
like you’re giving something back, not just to one person, but to the whole
world. So every day, I give thanks.

Now that
I’m pushing 50, I have trained myself not to get involved in other peoples’
drama, whether it comes from family, friends, co-workers, or strangers. I have
had enough drama of my own. I have learned the art of indifference. This does
not mean that I don’t care; it just means that I try not to get involved. I
listen to people vent and if they ask for my opinion, I can be brutally honest.
I do not allow what others say or do affect me. This can be very difficult at
times. I am only responsible for my own beliefs, my own thoughts, and my own
actions. Unsolicited advice is always meddling, and there is just too much of
that going on today, especially in social media. There is always someone giving
advice to somebody who just wants to vent openly. I have learned to mind my own
business and I try to stay in my own. Live and let live, so it goes.

So, Happy
Birthday to me, and remember: “Where
ever you may be, let the wind go free, on the land or on the sea!!!”