Adopted: The Search for My Heritage

My difficult search for proof of my Jewish identity.

In the fall of 2007, my daughter and her boyfriend were walking along the streets of Manhattan sharing their dreams, hopes, and life stories. Our daughter mentioned that I was adopted, a simple fact that she and I had known all our lives.

The author and her daughter.

“How does she know that she is Jewish?” her boyfriend asked with innocent curiosity. She answered all that she knew; that I had been told by my adopted parents. Shortly after their date, our daughter called my husband and posed the question to him hoping for a more-detailed response. The ramifications were very clear. With the young couple on the brink of engagement, it was very important to have definitive knowledge of my Jewish status and thereby my daughter’s Jewish status. A frantic, harrowing search for proof ensued.

Throughout my life, I have felt that my adoption defined me in many ways. Neither a negative nor a positive, a fact nonetheless that I felt compelled to share with others. When I was young, my friends and I would often make up stories about my biological mother, the kind of person she was and the reason she could not keep me as her own. I think I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about her and the possibility of her.

The lack of access to my birth information was often a frustration for me.

My wonderful and caring adopted parents chose not to learn or impart any information on my birth other than two facts: I was Jewish, and I had been adopted locally. The lack of access to my birth information was often a frustration for me. Suddenly, it had become extremely problematic. How was I to find definitive proof when I had so little information? Why had this not come up at the time of my own marriage?

Interestingly, the issue had come up when I was married over 29 years ago. I just had not been privy to it. For the first time, my husband told me that the rabbi who married us did indeed ask about my Jewish identity as is the requirement when marrying a Jewish couple. My husband confessed that he had contacted my mother (my adopted mother – the only mother I had ever known) and she told him that she had been informed that I was Jewish by the Jewish adoption agency in town. The rabbi who married us was familiar with the adoption agency, and this was sufficient evidence of my identity for him. The issue had been handled quietly and quickly, without my knowledge.

But times had changed. In 2007, I solicited the counsel of our rabbi and he told me that what I knew from my mother was sorely insufficient. He could not marry our young couple with unsupported facts. I needed to ascertain the Jewish identity of two generations of women, my biological mother as well as my biological maternal grandmother. This was truly a formidable task.

I set to work and I persevered. In my recently published book A Question of Heritage: An Adoption Story, I relate all the details of my search and my incredible revelations. Deep into the story, I share my feelings shortly after finding much of the proof I sought.

Staring at her disjointed notes, she felt a strange connection to the poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken, in which he most eloquently wrote, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both.” From the moment of her conception she had traveled a certain road and path, and in her mind’s eye she could see how two paths met and shortly after her birth, by the adoption, she was set on a completely different path. The reality was that her life would have been utterly unlike the one she had known. At the crossroads, her mother by birth, Jo, had stood and looked down both roads as far as she could see and had made the pivotal decision that set Ellen on the other road, the road away from her, the one less traveled, that of an adoptee. Robert Frost continued in the poem with the stirring words, “Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.” Ellen felt she was finding her way back, finding the clues and glimpsing the emerging image of the first road, the road not taken. – Excerpt from A Question of Heritage: An Adoption Story.

Needing to prove my identity was and continues to be a difficult concept for me. It is an idea that does not naturally occur to most people; the need to prove who they are. Emotionally, it added to the angst I had always felt as an adoptee with virtually no information about my birth or biological family.

My experiences solidified my opinion. I believe wholeheartedly that adoptees should have access to the specifics of their births. It is essential to have the opportunity to know from where we come; to know our roots. For Jewish adoptees, it is extremely important to know with certainty the fact of their Jewishness, the fact that they were born to a Jewish mother and a Jewish grandmother.

The search process remains difficult, although some progress has been made. In Maryland an adopted child at the age of 18 may request his/her original birth certificate, the one kept under seal from the time of adoption. This was implemented in the year 2000, but the law was not grandfathered in. It is only applicable to children born in the year 2000 and after. The certificate remains sealed for those born prior to 2000. The law in Maryland further states that agencies and therefore Jewish agencies are not able to begin the search process until the adoptee is 21 and all children in the adopted home are at least 21 years of age.

Unfortunately, this means that the child must grow into adulthood without necessary information about who he/she is biologically. With time and armed with the seminal information that can be gleaned from an original birth certificate, a great deal can be found by searching the web. This is progress.

In my case, I was one of the lucky ones. I found a way to unearth the information closely guarded by the system and provide my daughters and their progeny definitive proof. It was a search of necessity which became a search of love.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Judith Jo Pachino was born, adopted, raised and currently lives in Baltimore, Maryland. Her moving debut novel, A Question of Heritage: An Adoption Story, is a fictionalized version of her adoption story. At its core, the book highlights the angst of those in the adoption triad and the complicated realities of adoption. With passion, she expresses the significant impact adoption has had on her life. Judith's book can be purchased on amazon.com or as an ebook.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 19

(13)
judy goldstein,
June 8, 2014 11:47 AM

Genetics

It's the 21st century. Science has uncovered an amazing amount of information that could be life-saving for an adoptee. The laws must be changed to allow access to genetic information.

(12)
Aliza,
June 5, 2014 7:42 PM

Carrying things too far

This is further proof to me that our current requirements need rethinking. This is a woman who was adopted from a Jewish agency, raised by a Jewish family, and considered herself Jewish from the time she could remember. That should be enough to consider her Jewish according to halacha, and for her daughter to be considered Jewish for marriage.

I understand this woman wanted to find out about her origins, but it shouldn't have been necessary for the marriage of her daughter. As an Orthodox Jew, I believe in the maternal line, but the maternal line does not have to be a blood line. Ruth and Moshe are opposite origins, yet both are vital figures whose place among the Hebrews was not questioned.

(11)
Denise,
June 3, 2014 4:40 AM

How did Ellen suddenly get so lucky and find out ALL her information?p

Don't quite understand the part where the doors to all of Ellen's information open up so suddenly and so quickly? Was it because both her adoptive parents were deceased? Why would that open up her sealed records? We are in the same situation with my son. Cannot get ANY information on his adoption except date and place. We have registered with online Adoption Registry to no avail. We adopted in our home state of New York . My son is soon to be engaged and some history would be helpful. He did have an orthodox conversion when he was a baby. When will this archaic system of sealed forever records be changed? If the adoptee is of legal age and seeks his information, it should become available to him or her. So many religious and medical questions arise and are unsolvable in the status quo. It is not fair to the adoptee or his future progeny. Change is long overdue.....any advice out there would be appreciated....

(10)
Anonymous,
May 30, 2014 11:59 PM

america

one has to wonder how the thousands of Jews in US & rest of NA & SA, who have been affiliated with no shul for generations, could "prove" to some recent Ashkenazi immigrant (last 120 years) Their Jewish ancestry (German, British & Sephardi) thru the 250 or more years, that their families have been here? some as early as 1500's or so. The real question should be if a person has been raised to know they are Jewish, then who is some newcomer Rabbi to say otherwise? We lose to many people to deny anyone their Jewishness.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 30, 2014 5:35 PM

The law in England, UK

The law in England allows adoptees to access their adoption files. The way to apply for your records is through "The Family Records Center. Whilst technically the process is easier,emotionally it will always be traumatic. Support and guidance should be sought in order to limit the trauma, and perhaps rejection.
Knowing where you come from is your birthright, and no-one has the right to take that away from you. An innocent baby, who cannot defend itself at that time, doesn't remain a baby. Any info out there is only for your good, it can be of no benefit to anyone else.
Fight for your rights if need be!!!

(8)
Batya,
May 30, 2014 4:49 AM

Deceased father was adopted

My father didn't find out definitively he was adopted until he was in his late 40s, in the 1970s. It wasn't spoken about, and my grandmother wept when she told him "you were our son." Strangely, I was more bothered by it than he. My Jewishness is indisputable on my mother's side, but I always wondered about the circumstances surrounding Dad's origins. When asked, he said that his (adoptive) parents were his parents and that's that. Nor did they talk about their home and life in the Russia they left in the 1920s. The author is fortunate she can get some questions answered. I must read the book.

(7)
JB Destiny,
May 29, 2014 8:03 PM

I'm glad it worked out for you but...

I'm confused. It seems that the Rabbi who ruled at the time of your own marriage should have been followed, unless your later Rabbi had a definite reason to believe that the earlier Rabbi or his ruling was in some way compromised. Or if you yourself had come across information that would have changed the original ruling (e.g., it wasn't the Jewish adoption agency that he knew, but a different one). We don't go opinion shopping; once you get a ruling, that's it, and other Rabbis are careful to respect that.

Additionally, the original Rabbi seems to have handle the matter in an halachicly correct manner: discretely, calculated to ensure that you would not be caused pain by challenging your Jewish credentials unless there was no other way to handle it. It seems that the 2007 Rabbi did the opposite and caused you needless distress by insisting on further investigating your roots and putting not only your daughter's marriage prospect in jeopardy, but also your own marriage. What if the outcome had revealed a history that would have resulted in your requiring to divorce your husband, even though the Rabbi who married you ruled your union kosher? And there are host of other problems with re-opening the matter.

I'm trying to be very careful in how I'm wording this post, because I don't want to slander anyone. I just don't understand the reason for him pursuing this matter that had been settled for almost three decades, and by someone seemingly much more familiar with the facts.

Aviva - Jerusalem,
June 1, 2014 9:19 AM

Jewish

Even if she ( the mother) would find out she weren't Jewish, she would not have to divorce her husband, she would just have to convert. And them remarry him, because the first time would not have been a halachic marriage anyway. (I think they would have to separate for three months before the remarriage.)

It seems to me that you are right in what you said about the opinion of the first rabbi and also about the second rabbi.But perhaps what happened here was that the boy's parents really were very worried and wanted more proof, and perhaps they asked the rabbi to check in better and asked him not to mention their name.

Author,
June 2, 2014 1:31 AM

Author clarification

I feel it necessary to clarify. Our decision to approach our rabbi in 2007 was due to the times. Our rabbi was very compassionate and worked to help us make our way through the murky waters. There was no talk of divorce, no pressure from our son-in-law or his parents. The rabbi we turned to in 1984 was our parent's rabbi and not one that we would consider as our Rav. In 2007, we had a rabbi that we did consider and do consider our Rav. We asked him to look into the issue, because we felt that the 1984 ruling may not have been adequate for the times and for our daughter. I am grateful that we were able to clarify the situation, find the information and confirmation of my heritage and put the issue to rest for our daughters and their future generations.

Anonymous,
June 2, 2014 8:21 PM

Three month separation not required

They would have to remain separate until the new wedding could be performed and she would have to have a negative pregnancy test (maybe two) performed by professionals.

Aaron,
June 2, 2014 8:19 PM

Why wasn't your ketubah proof?

As far as I know the religious authorities in Israel, which are generally very strict concerning such matters, will register a new immigrant as Jewish if they have a copy of their parents ketubah and the wedding was performed by an Orthodox Rabbi with Orthodox witnesses. Either we are missing some information or the Rav here was being overly machmir.

(6)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2014 7:36 PM

many serious issues

first of all, i have to mention that i am adopted into a Jewish family from the time of my birth, i was not born Jewish, i did get a Brit in the following months, and was converted in the 100% orthodox way.that being said, there are two issues to take into consideration, if you have my case, why on earth would you want to know who your parents are?!?!?!?! you received the best gift from HEAVEN that you were taken in to be Jewish for free!!! at least that's the way I feel!!! there are no words in this world to explain the appreciation and the love that i have for my adopted parents, my REAL PARENTS, and the love that they have showed me...

regarding the second case, if you are Jewish from birth, there are several issues to take into consideration for why you HAVE to know who your parents are, 1. and i think this is considered to be the most important part, you need to know that you're not getting married with your brother/sister!!!!2. of course, you need to know if you are Jewish, but this can always get fixed in the end, not like the first problem...

(5)
SBBC,
May 29, 2014 6:12 PM

Proving Jewishness

I went to DNATribes.com and had DNA performed. Simple cheek swab confirmed that I was 80 percent Ashenazi. Although I was not adopted, I wanted a breakdown of my whole heritage. I did my European and Asian. No one is pure. I am several non Jewish tribes, including Native American, which many Jews have. From the Russian areas, primarily. So my Jewish Orthodox mother and grandmother turned up mostly Irish and Italian. Perhaps we Jews need to rethink how we treat Jews and Jewish adoptees.

gina,
May 29, 2014 7:15 PM

I also came out native american

I was floored by your comment. I also tested N.A. by 27%! They said Haplogroup A. I spent a very long nervous time thinking that I had been adopted, because I also came out with North Europe.No mediteranean, which my family had always said we were. Not one drop! I now realize maybe a couple or so centuries back they may have settled in France and Spain. Having to leave Spain in a hurry again, naturally, making it to South America. Some of the family went to france,where during WWII they were taken prisoner although they had converted ages before in Spain to Catholicism (which didn't help them at all there either) , and were all executed.I still remember my grandmother lighting two candles in front of the statue of Mary every Friday and keeping a missal and a rosary to be carried to church in casse of a funeral, but we never went to church. The kids always got the obligatory sacraments, then they were done with it. My uncle in New York finally "converted" to Judaism about 30 years ago,, and I also "converted" 12 years ago. The Rabbi did a welcome home ritual at temple, but stated the conversion paper would be best if I ever wanted to go to Israel and get citizenship there, since by my generation all we know is that the family was gone, their names lost to the Ha-Shoa and no papers proving things as far back as the 15th century or so. Now I'm old, cannot go to Israel, (a prerequisite) cannot leave the house all that much. Ah, well.

Anonymous,
May 31, 2014 10:56 AM

DNA is interesting - thx

for the fun of it, perhaps I'll do the DNA test also. I never met my birth mother and know very little. I don't really care what the DNA says, because I am Jewish because of how I grew up, I don't care about ancient history. But it might be entertaining/interesting. My wife's parents are from Baghdad, but her mother is a redhead. I wonder what mixed in there :-)

(4)
miriamwcohen,
May 29, 2014 5:31 PM

conversion is the key

Why this sudden interest in Jewish mothers; after the Holocaust managed to wipe out many official documents, Rav Soloveitchik said not to look so closely. There should be no lying,there should be honesty and an Orthodox conversion is always available. It is important for genetic issues, but convert if you need to. I heard Rav Soloveitchik, this is not something I read, nor is this something I made up.

(3)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2014 4:45 PM

This is ME!

This story is me and I fall into the "they are sealed and I cannot get to them" category in Maryland! It's not right! I deserve to know my true heritage and proof of it!
I love this thank you for sharing!

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

With stories and insights,
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