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Roddy White: Sensitivity & How Roddy Gets Information (2012, 2013)

Sensitivity Training

I’ll be playing Roddy’s Advisor/Publicist and Roddy will be playing himself for this reenactment.

Mack Vaughn (random fan) tweets at Roddy asking if he’d rather lead the league in stats or win a Super Bowl. Twitter/Internet shit storm ensues.

Ok Roddy, I get that you have a strong affinity for the opposite sex and if you were choosing between that or gay, it’d be a no-brainer. But I feel like there are better ways out there to say that, of course you’d rather win a Super Bowl than lead the league in yards. Like “of course I’d rather win a Super Bowl than lead the league in yards” just as an example.

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Yea, I hear ya. People are way to effing sensitive these days in 2012. I’m sure things will calm down and people won’t be so sensitive by 2018 or so.

The whole freedom of speech thing works both ways so if you… actually, never mind. Opening up a Twitter debate on freedom of speech is near the top on the ‘worst ideas imaginable’ list. You can’t win with these people who are constantly outraged and unfortunately, it’s illegal to gather them all in a large building then set it ablaze. Just go ahead and apologize so we can hopefully move past this.

–

Not exactly what I had in mind for an apology…

It’s not the word as it is the fact that you said you would never want to be gay. Don’t even try to clarify or fix it, though. Again, it’s just a no-win situation. You apologized. Let’s just leave it at that and move on. Hopefully someone else will say something offensive soon so all the outrage shifts immediately to them.

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Not exactly what I had in mind in terms of leaving it at that and moving on…

Look Roddy, I hate when people tell athletes to stick to sports but for your own sake, to avoid all this backlash, it might not be a bad idea here.

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*Buries face in hands*

Well, you beat me on a technicality. Gay is okay as long as you aren’t saying something disparaging, but retard doesn’t really fly in any context. The same mob that attacked you for the gay comment is probably mobilizing and working itself into a frenzy to come at you on this one too. They’re like PC gypsies – shifty and nomadic. They move around and adapt to almost any issue.

Oh and since you brought up the Olympics – if Bruce Jenner happens to be in the news in the next couple years, for the love of God do not tweet or make any comment about it. I promise nothing good can come of it. Even if you try to say something positive, you could mess up a pronoun or something. Just avoid the entire subject like the plague. I can’t really explain it but you gotta trust me here.

How Roddy Gets Information

In 2012, Alexa hadn’t been invented. Siri had, but it was still new and not overly reliable – incredibly useful any time you needed to hear a robotic female voice repeat a different version of something you just told it, not great at actually providing information though.

Instead of waiting for Alexa or trying to deal with Siri’s bullshit… or using Google, or ESPN.com, IMDB, the Twitter search bar, etc. Roddy basically uses Twitter to crowdsource answers to his questions.

If you have a couple hundred thousand followers, asking the score to a game is actually kinda brilliant. As people keep see your question and continue replying, you get constant running updates.

Clarity is key, though. Asking for the tiger score is a dangerous game. The responses he got were limited to Tiger Woods and the Detroit Tigers. If it’s college football or basketball season, we’re looking at Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Missouri, Memphis, etc.

If anyone is wondering, yes it is.

Asking people to sum up a movie in 140 characters (or 280, in 2018) is another really solid idea of Roddy’s. You probably get some entertaining responses and I’m there’s no doubt in my mind that I could decide whether or not to see a movie if you gave me 140 characters on it.

In the year 2077, Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) works as a security repairman on an Earth left empty and devastated after a war with aliens — Decision: No interest in seeing Oblivion

Widely regarded as one of the greatest films of all time, this mob drama, based on Mario Puzo’s novel of the same name, focuses on the — Decision: Very much interested in seeing The Godfather

Can confirm that this is a foolproof system.

Ilya Bryzgalov: Animals (2013) & #AngryBirdsStarWars (2012)

Ilya Bryzgalov is one of the most entertaining and greatest human beings not just in sports and not just in the world today – in any arena and of all time. Thankfully his Twitter magically reflects this, Russian accent included.

If anyone reading this is unfamiliar with Bryz, A- you’ve had a gaping void in your life up until now even if you hadn’t realized it and B- you’ll appreciate everything he says more if you read in his voice so watch and enjoy this interview before proceeding:

Animals

Sent out at 6:44 AM. This is a guy who is thinking about and sharing animal facts as most people are still asleep or just getting out of bed.

“Family vacation”. Exotic birds, It’s sunny. The plants, grass, walkway, and chain railing look like this might be some resort.

But if you remember from the previous picture that he shared 3 minutes earlier at 12:36, the peacock leaves outside his house. Bryz is telling us that the peacocks are a family vacation.

_

When a reporter asked him about threats the Pittsburgh Penguins presented, he responded that he wasn’t scared, except of “bear in the forest”. Fans have been taunting him about bears ever since.

He has embraced the fear.

#AngyBirdsStarWars

Bryz took a hiatus from Twitter during the second half of the 2012-2013 NHL season (presumably to avoid distractions). He tweeted a few times in January, then nothing for the remainder of the season into the offseason. He broke the silence shortly before a Russian National Team game in the Hockey World Championships.

And it’s hard to imagine anything more on brand for Bryz than this.

And to cap it off…

*Footnote – Anyone offended/outraged by Roddy White’s choice of words (back then or as you read this): Get the f*ck over it. He started a non-profit right after he was drafted by the Falcons that donates sports equipment to underprivileged schools and has expanded to a football camp, after school programs, and a scholarship fund. He also went to Senegal in 2013 with Anquan Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald, and Oxfam (NPO that fights poverty worldwide) to see and bring publicity to human rights violations and the level poverty the Senegalese live in. Does this seem like a hateful guy attacking or trying to offend certain people or a pretty good dude who probably meant zero harm and doesn’t take Twitter that seriously?