Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 39- Here With Breath

Here with Breath

I’ve been finding my mind chatter incessant lately- many
thoughts of a future that’s brighter than my current situation.. My current
situation hit a certain level of shittiness because of timing and circumstance,
but it is a necessary shittiness that had to happen in order for me to take my
next steps. However, within this shittiness I’ve found it difficult to remain
within presence and awareness because it’s so easy to make myself feel better
by simply projecting into a brighter future by fantasizing about all sorts of
stuff. However, because this creates a positive energetic experience, inevitably
the opposite will manifest, so at other points in time my mind is bringing me
into panic and fear about what could happen, how things can go horribly wrong
and all the things other people might be thinking and feeling. This tendency
to participate in positive projections a(nd thus experience negative ones as a result) played out a lot throughout my life as an escape and a coping mechanism, and I’ve
become pretty fed up with it. Not only does it cause lack of presence and awareness,
but also lack of self-movement in the moment, lack of focus… the negative side
brings stress and anxiety. Because the two are inseparable, they have both got
to go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape
my current situation by fantasizing into a future that’s better than this Here
moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
fantasize and imagine a different life where I experience the perfect
relationship in a different citywherein
I feel confident, ‘happy,’ and completely self-accepting, instead of looking at
how I actually experience myself righ now because I realize that I have to move
myself fom right here and right now in order to get anywhere. So if I don’t
start from right here, I’ll never get anywhere and never change, and if I only fantasize
about the future whilst I stagnate in the present, I will only remain exactly in
this spot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
in to the future and fantasize about being on my own, completely independent,
wherein, in the fantasy I don’t have any of the ‘problems’ or ‘issues’ I deal
with within myself presently, but within this again I realize that nothing will
ever change until I ground myself Here and walk from this moment, this current
reality that I am and exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also
lose myself within the polar opposite negative thought projections, wherein I
think about being harmed in those different places, failing my exams, not
getting a job, hurting people, causing people jealousy, being hurt or jealous
myself, feeling like a burden, instead of stopping and realizing that, no
matter what I think, it’s not going to change my reality. The only thing that
will change is me actually physically doing practical things in my life and
reality, and the only place and time and space within which I can do anything
is right Here, but if I’m up in the mind thinking, worrying and stressing then
I am taking myself away from Here, causing myself to be distracted, stressed, worried
etc… thus making me less effective in my life, thus actually disempowering
myself from doing what it is I plan to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
want to experience Hereness when my current situation is less than ideal,
instead of realizing that I need to stand within any situation, as I cannot
escape myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to
escape myself and my current situation because it is nt a ‘positive’
experience.

When and as I see myself getting lost within my mind as
entertainment, taking me away from Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself
back Here within the understanding that being and remaining Here takes practice
and diligence, and each time a give in to the mind I am making it a little
harder for myself to remain Here with/as breath. So each time I find myself
participating within the negatice, neutral and positive energetic thoughts,
projections and fantasies I simply stop and breath it away until the energy is
gone and only I remain.

I commit myself to continuously apply myself to bring myself
back Here and to remain Here until I am Here in fact.

I commit myself to see through and stop the positive,
negative and neutrally charged thoughts that keep me from being Here with
breath.

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.