So, you’ve decided to ruin the political system in America, good for you. Running for office is never an easy task, and trying to not be either a Democrat or a Republican is basically suicide. And hey, for you Canadians, try running on a Green Party platform. Loser.

Very technically speaking there’s no reason there can’t be a third political party. In fact, there’s already more than three. Isn’t that fun? You’ve got Libertarians like that Ron Swanson character, the Constitution Party, like…some guy, and also America’s Third Position Party, which sounds patriotically sexual and really should get more press. Plus there’s a good hundred or so more. Good for them, plucky little shits!

In order to start your “third” political party, you need a handful of elements that people are going to be able to get behind. Not a lot of people, mind you because let’s be realistic, but a few fringe nutters who think like you.

Ideology

Political ideology is a tough nut to crack because, and don’t tell anyone this, it’s all smoke and mirrors. For real. Technically you could say Republicans ascribe to a conservative ideology and Democrats are liberal but what does that mean? Did you know liberal conservatism is a thing? And so is conservative liberalism and they’re actually not the same thing and neither one includes “lame assed semantics” anywhere in the definition?

There are a lot of ideologies to choose from, Buddhist anarchism, lesbian feminism, albino vampirism, so you’re going to really need to get to the heart of what you believe. Here’s a fun chart to help you decide;

Oh man, there is some good word play in there. Good stuff.

A Face

It’s all fine and good to start your own political party, but what if you’re a CHUD? You want to be another Fred Thompson? Of course not. Politics is just as much a beauty contest as anything else, only there are different standards by which you’re judged. Let’s look at some successful politicians and see why they made the grade. Make no mistake, no one was ever elected based on politics alone looking like Benicio Del Toro’s smashed asshole face.

One Promise

Campaigns are built on a monstrous deluge of issues, at least to an outside observer. Gay marriage actually concerns some people who aren’t gay, the economy concerns everyone who isn’t Mitt Romney, employment, the environment, immigration, abortion, health care, internet privacy, the ability to responsibly wank to porn, all kinds of issues make up the full scope of a political campaign. No one cares. Literally. You don’t either and don’t pretend you do. You care about one thing. Maybe it’s one of things listed or maybe it’s who is most likely to supply you with the most bangable FLOTUS, it doesn’t matter. Most people are swayed by one single issue that they agree with a candidate on, so you need to find the best issue your third party can dredge up that puts you head and shoulders above the other parties. Here are some great promises you could pull out to get yourself a following and don’t worry about actually following through, no one ever does that.

A Slogan

Slogans are the cornerstone of any good campaign. Barack Obama ran with positive messages like “Yes we can” and “Change We Can Believe In.” William Mckinley ran with the awesome “A Full Dinner Pail” and Warren G Harding busted out “Cox and Cocktails” which is really lame when you learn what it means but is hilarious if you just speculate that it has a lot to do with blowjobs and getting drunk. You need a slogan that will rival all of these.

If you’re an old pro with a Holy Taco how to article, or if you’ve just noticed a patter in this one, you’ll expect this is the point where we include a graphic of hilarious yet totally inappropriate slogans, as though we’re trying to sabotage your plans to be a 3rd party candidate or something. That’s silly. No list of dysfunctional slogans for you, we’ve got the one that has to appeal to everyone in the country. Use it freely;

I do not believe in whatever you disagree with that the other guys believe.