“A collection of profound and epic album reviews and musical articles by former astronaut and brain surgeon, Alasdair Kennedy. Reaching levels of poetry that rival Keats and Blake, the following reviews affirm Alasdair to be a prodigy, a genius and a god whose opinion is always objectively right. He is also without a doubt the most modest man in the universe.” - Alasdair Kennedy

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Thursday, 18 December 2014

The 10 Worst Songs of 2014

For sheer
entertainment value, I’ve decided to look back at the year and round up music’s
crème de la crap. It’s not all pop music (most of it is but not all). Enjoy.

10. 'All About that Bass' - Meghan Trainor

It’s nice that
Meghan’s speaking out for all the larger ladies, but when it’s done at the
expense of skinny-shaming she loses all my respect. The ‘bass/treble’ metaphor that
makes up the hook is also dumb and impressively annoying.

9. 'Honest' –
Future

Relying
entirely on auto-tune when singing is a crime. Managing to sound out-of-tune
even with pitch correction is a goddamn achievement. Future sounds like a robot
going through puberty on this track. The instrumental meanwhile should be administered
as general anaesthetic.

8.'Timber' - Pitbull ft. Kesha

I want to rip
my ears off every time I hear Ke$ha’s whiny, nasal voice. Like ‘All About That
Bass’ it also contains another forced metaphor in its hook. Also, Pitbull.

7. 'Hello
Kitty' – Avril Lavingue

The skate-punk
icon of the noughties embraces japanophilia and dubstep and the result is
something bizarre and unpretty. Also what’s up with the lyrics: ‘Let’s all slumber party, like a fat kid on a
pack of smarties’.

6. 'Edge of a Revolution' - Nickelback

Nickelback did
a collaboration with Flo Rida this year and it still wasn’t as embarassing as
this travesty. I’ve always found the band’s rock n roll clichés rather charming
in the past – the drugs, the sex, the fast cars. Thankfully, they’ve always
avoided politics – until now. You can’t be the posterboys for a revolution when
you’re the most commercial rock band on the planet. It’s like Coca-Cola trying
to tell the world that consumerism is bad.

‘These hoes ain’t loyal’. Maybe you
should stop beating them then and they might be inclined to be a bit more
loyal. Most rappers can get away with misogynistic lyrics, but not Chris Brown.
This is bad taste and nobody seems to be batting an eyelid. Chris Brown could spit
over a remix of ‘Smack my Bitch up’ and drunken people would still dance to it
in a club.

4. 'Get Swoll' - Constantine

I really want
this to be tongue-in-cheek but I have a terrible feeling that it isn’t. Big Con
may indeed be swoll but a rock singer/rapper he is not.

3. 'Proving Ground' - Atilla

Every single
riff is a one note breakdown. It’s a shameful waste of a fretboard. The whole ‘who’s
the faggot now?’ line is also just unnecessary and doesn’t make them any more
macho.

2. 'Anaconda' –
Nicki Minaj

The thought
process behind this song is simple: Sex sells. Twerking and butts are in
fashion, so let’s throw lots of that into the music video. We’ll cash in on a beat
from an already successful song. How about ‘Baby Got Back’, it links in with
the butt theme. Let’s put some trap in there and lots of annoying noises too,
vocal and instrumental. Annoying noises are catchy and catchiness sells
records. Who cares if the song is unmusical and lyrically dumb? This isn’t
about making music, it’s about making money!!!

1. 'Hookah' – Tyga
ft. Young Thug

Feel free to
throw as much eye candy at me as you can. It’s still not going to distract me
from the audial holocaust that is this song. Without Young Thug this would
still be a poor track, lacking any real originality or flair. With Young Thug its
borderline unlistenable. This is some of his worst rapping to date and that
hook sounds like he’s just developed a testicular hernia. I can only imagine
the PR team who discovered Young Thug took him on as a joke. However, this is a
joke that could become a disease in hip hop. If it takes no actual rapping
talent and just a whole load of goofiness and a quirky fashion sense to be a
musician, what hope has the music industry got.

TAGS: The Worst songs of 2014, The Worst Tracks of 2014, The Worst singles of 2014