Where Miss Snark vented her wrath on the hapless world of writers and crushed them to sand beneath her T.Rexual heels of stiletto snark. The blog is dark--no further updates after 5/20/2007.

11.01.2006

Never Fear! Miss Snark is here for you!

Dear Miss Snark,

I finished my book ten years ago. Then I studied the business practices and vernacular of the publishing industry for nine and a half years. Six months ago I started contacting literary agents. Despite my best efforts the rejections keep piling up.

- One agent said I don’t have a strong enough voice. We haven’t talked on the phone so she couldn’t possibly know that.

- Another agent said the story didn’t draw her in, so I wrote back and reminded her it’s a novel and not a coloring book.

- Somebody requested a partial, but I’ve got full dentures, and even if I had partials I sure as hell wouldn’t send them to a literary agent.

- Then some guy requested an ms, and I reminded him I’m an author, not a damn escort service.

- This one idiot asked me if anybody was reading. I said unless paper books were magically converted into audio books overnight he should assume so.

- Some kinky gal asked me about submissions but I told her I’m not into S&M.

- Another woman said my book might be a hard sell. Why point out the obvious? I worked hard so it would be easy to sell.

- Some woman said she didn’t have enough enthusiasm for my work. I told her to get a good night’s sleep, have a cup of coffee, and read it again.

- Then I really freaked out when some guy said something about a query, because I’m a heterosexual.

To be honest I’m getting pretty frustrated. Why do you suppose these agents are being so unprofessional?

There IS an agent, just for you. Someone who feels your pain at being excluded from the fraternity, who understands the despair of rejection for no good reason, who sympathizes deeply with your need for self expression. Best thing is...she's available! Click here.

Don't forget to send me a crisp twenty dollar bill for the referral. You don't think agents work for free now do you?

Not to get all serious and heavy on you, but do you really think it's a good idea to recommend BBLA to someone on your blog, even in jest? Some poor slob scanning the site might see that "click here" and just click. The snarkolytes know better, but maybe not the newbee who just found your blog today.

Everyone seems to think this is some sort of joke, but I've had a similar experience.

According to her underling who deigned to speak to me on the phone, an editor at a reputable publishing house I've sent my manuscript to forwarded it to, quote, "one of her first readers" for evaluation. Now I may not be very smart, but even I understand that this can only mean one of two things:

EITHER she is using submissions to teach school children to read and makes her decisions on which books the kids found easiest,

OR she's sending them to one of the few people who have read a book she's edited -- apparently she can count them on one hand?!?

Her "assistant" didn't say which.

In any case, it goes without saying that I pulled my manuscript immediately. I'm afraid that I yelled at the person I had on the phone, but I mean geez, seriously?!?

The human Will To Be Stupid is a stronger force of nature than we can possibly overcome.

And more o fmy favorite It Won't Help The Stupid warning labels:1. Caution! Coffee is Hot! on a coffee cup. (It damn well better be!)2. Not for Human Consumption on a paint can. 3. For external use only. Found on innumerable products. (Gee, I always like to imbibe in a swig of Jergen's Lotion for an aperitif. Yum!)