London -- shopkeepers and hoteliers wrung their
hands in despair today as thousands of American tourists, military personnel
and teenage girls desperate to catch themselves a British knob, fled the
war-torn city in response to President Bush's impassioned plea to 'save
your asses.'

The Presidential announcement followed widespread
criticism from Republican senators, businessmen and leading American
Christian fundamentalists that US citizens were in grave danger in the
wake of last week's terror attacks on the British capital. "Americans
are simply not used to unprovoked attacks on innocent civilians going
about their daily business," a visibly shaken spokestypeperson
from the US embassy told Utterpants,
as he feverishly packed a suitcase bulging with several handguns, tasers
and hunting knives. "Dead drug dealers riddled with automatic weapons
fire and young kids gunning down their classmates is something you see
on the movies, not on American streets. London is just not safe anymore."

His chilling words were echoed by scores of terrified Americans who
are deserting lucrative jobs, and in some cases, British mistresses,
in their haste to flee the violent streets of Britain's capital. "Make
no mistake," bawled a US
marine wearing full body armour who popped his helmeted head out
of the turret of a tank to shout through our letterbox: "No American
is safe in this town. Hell, they aint safe anywheres in this terroristified
cesspit of islamaist insurgentism you call Britain!"

Pausing only to shoot a suspicious looking bloke with a striped
tea towel on his head who got too close to his tank, the brave freedom
fighter went on to tell Utterpants
of the grave dangers faced by Americans in what some are now calling
'Osama Bin Laden's playground.'
"There are black guys on every street corner openly selling drugs,
pregnant underage
teens prowling the streets looking to blow an American for a pack
of Marlboro Lights and frikkin' Arabs driving around in Mercedes! Only
yesterday some greasy Arab kid took a pot shot at me in a shopping mall
in Kensington for crissakes!"
"The police said it was a dayglo pink water pistol," we commented.
"And he was aiming at his eight-year-old sister."
"Yeah? How the hell was I supposed to know that when I blew him
away? We're not used to kids pulling guns on complete strangers back
home."

Across the almost deserted city, jewelers and sex-shop owners are beside
themselves with grief as Americans continue to flee the ravaged capital.
Moshe Chutzpah, a fifty-seven-year-old goldsmith from Hackney is typical
of the thousands of small businessmen who have seen sales of belly button
rings and chastity
bracelets plummet as terrified US teens fall over their hair extensions
to escape the blanket of gloom and despondency that has settled over
London. Our reporter needed hospital treatment after witnessing Mr Chutzpah
beg a young American woman not to leave the shop that has been in his
family for 23 generations. His pitiful cries echoed along a deserted
Oxford Street as he groveled at the feet of the heartless shopper. "Oy,
oy, my life, already!" he pleaded as he clutched at her American
Express platinum gold card. "You can have anything in the shop
for half price on 24 months interest free credit. I'll even throw in
a signed portrait of Princess Diana!"

But his pleas and those of countless hoteliers and West End theatre
managers who face ruin and starvation as they contemplate a London bereft
of the well-filled pockets and empty heads of wealthy Americans, fell
on deaf ears as planeload after planeload of terrified tourists took
off from Heathrow
airport. The mass exodus of Americans contrasts sharply with the
courageous efforts of the British Prime Minister to encourage Londoners
to return to normal working life. Tony
Blair turned his normal journey to Westminster into an unforgettable
symbol of the capital’s collective defiance when he emerged from
10 Downing Street to rapturous cheers this morning wearing a thermonuclear-proof
vest and kevlar helmet accompanied by twenty-seven heavily-armed security
guards, before climbing into an armoured personnel carrier for the five-minute
journey to the Houses of Parliament.

Some unpatriotic cynics have suggested that the President's decision
to evacuate all Americans from the UK sits uncomfortably alongside Britain's
support of the US invasion and occupation of Iraq, but Utterpants
have been assured that these apologists for terrorism will shortly be
enjoying an extended holiday in the Caribbean as guests of the US military.

“Just as Tony Blair stood behind my omnipotent ass to defeat
them terroristical islamaists in Eyerack, I know he will support the
new initiatories I am planning in Korea, Iran and any other place Karl
says needs freedomification. Withdrawing our people from England is
necessary to win the war on Terror," a concernified Mr Bush is
alleged to have said tomorrow.