Intrepid MMA reporter and my best Twitter pal Ariel Helwani had the chance to interview Steven Seagal yesterday, and as always, the old poonani-loving, Nobel Prize-deserving, sleeveless kimono-wearing, front-kicking, chicken killer did not disappoint (I meant Seagal there, in case that was unclear). First, he made sure to point out that welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre is good, but not great, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact that GSP’s action movie star to humor du jour is Van Damme, while Seagal himself has long been humored by middleweight champ Anderson Silva, who may fight GSP at some point in the nearish future, in the MMA equivalent of Pacquiao-Mayweather. (With Van Damme and Seagal in their respective corners to help stretch their groins and execute proper karate kicks, I’m sure).

“I think [GSP] is a really nice guy,” said Seagal. “I think he is a good fighter and a good martial artist. Would I call him great? No.
“One of the things that a master looks at when they look at a fighter is the history of the fighter. When you look at the history of the fighter, you look at their very best fights, their best work, and their worst. If you look at Anderson’s worst fights, they’re not bad. He still looks pretty good.”
“If you look at GSP’s worst fight, you look at the thing he did with Shields in Canada, that was atrocious. I think that is very telling. I just didn’t think the technique and the fighting skill was there in that instance. I also saw him after the fight and he wasn’t looking or feeling very well either, which does have some meaning. I think he got hurt in that fight and whether he dominated him or not, I just didn’t think he looked good.”

Silva had two atrocious fights against Thales Leites and Demian Maia, and almost got wrestle-f*cked to a decision against Sonnen, so that’s just stupid. But as crappy as Seagal’s logic is, I wouldn’t argue that GSP is on the same level as Silva either. Also, I’ve buried the lede: Seagal also says he’s willing to fight retired former light-heavy and heavyweight champ (and budding action star) Randy Couture “any time, any place.” Oh pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, Dana White make this happen, this would be the best Christmas present EVER:

Seagal, or ‘Fritão’ as he known among his fighting Brazilian brothers, also said he would fight UFC Hall of Famer Randy Couture.

My Portuguese is a little rusty, but I believe ‘Fritão’ translates loosely as “one who loves Fritos.”

Couture recently quipped that he would stay retired, “unless Seagal wants to sign up.”
The 60-year-old Seagal is willing to accept the challenge.
“I have to wonder what his intentions may have been in saying that,” said Seagal. “I always thought that Randy was my friend and a gentleman. I’m kind of confused why he would say that, but I’m here, anybody can find me any time and any place. If Randy really wants to fight me, he can fight me any time he wants”
“It would be for free, and it would be some place where there are no witnesses. I’m hoping it wouldn’t get to that, and I don’t know why it would come about, but if that’s what he wants, he can get it any time he wants.”
“I don’t play by the rules. I’m sure one person will walk out. I’m a man of honor. I’m a gentleman, but I am a warrior, and if he needs to find me, he knows where to find me.” [MMA Fighting, Transcribed via MMA.tv]

Oh yeah, of course he would only do it if there were “no witnesses.” Once the UFC started, it basically forced every martial arts teacher to put their money where their mouths were, and the ones who mostly taught a lot of impractical hocus pocus sort of fell by the wayside. But every once in a while, you still find one of these older guys too attached to whatever voodoo they’ve sold their whole lives to adapt. So now the excuse is, “oh, what I teach is still the best, it’s just that I can’t actually teach you many of my techniques because they’re too lethal.”

What would even be his justification for no witnesses? That’s like saying, “yeah, I’ll take a lie detector test, but only if you promise not to look at the results.”

“Look, I’m a gentleman and a man of honor, and if I have to fight Randy Couture, I’ll murder him in an alley where no one can see.”

Another sticking point is that when Steven Seagal says “any time, any place,” it literally could mean any time or place. Like Mars in the Middle Ages. Seagal doesn’t keep track of that stuff too well.

talkin trash on the flying leg scissor heel hook? for shame. exposed the biggest hole in Silva’s game: absurd, And 1 style submission attempts. Sonnen shoulda went with the Crippler Crossface in their first fight

Pretend initiated. who do you think would actually win that fight now? I do think that Serra’s was a much bigger upset based on the stage and Chonan was always a decent fighter in the PRIDE days. double KO?

What I find hilarious in this whole situation is that some of these interwed clowns actually believe that Couture would have a chance against Seagal. Granted, these are mostly UFC fanboys, but still, the point must be made. Steven Seagal is a 7th degree black belt in Aikido who was the first westerner good enough at a Japanese discipline that he was allowed to open his own dojo in Japan. He served as a personal body guard to the emperor of Japan and is trained to kill as a matter of course. His skills don’t depend on his weight or his current physical condition – if he wants to, who could dismantle Randy Couture in a few seconds.