As per our legal contract, it is in my duty to present to you a letter of resignation.

While working for the Office of Non-Compliance Association, I realized being punctual, never absent, well groomed, easy going, and just being a proficient employee holds no importance to you. I know this because in my first month, it was very evident when you called me in your office and recommend I wear “makeup” because I’m a woman. Well anyway, everyone in the office knows you secretly wear “makeup” among other things yourself. I hope for your sake your equally pretentious superficial wife doesn’t find out.

Also, I can honestly say I’m ecstatic about leaving this company. Watching you bounce and parade around the office pretending to know what you were doing was more nauseating than my stomach could bear. I have never worked anywhere before that made me check my mail everyday hoping for jury duty, or waking up every morning in hopes of finding pink eye or chicken pox in the mirror. Furthermore, we all know this company will be sold to new CEO’s this year. You will in fact be out of a job very shortly. Not only because of your political ties, but mainly because of your inadequacy and idiotic incompetence. Especially when you go in front of the monthly committee to answer simple questions you don’t seem to have the intellectual capacity to comprehend much less respond with.

I really pity you as a Director. You should have been paying more attention to your work statistics, weekly reports and your unethical staff. Instead you were busy instigating corruption in your office, as well as focusing on why I don’t want to wear makeup. Now, l really don’t expect you to give me a perverse recommendation when my future job inquiries call you. Also, don’t even make attempts on framing me up on any of your illegal on goings in the office out of spite. Just in case, I will have my attorney call you periodically to test you on your already failed integrity. Keep in mind it’s illegal if you do any of the above or threaten bodily harm. If you slip up, I can press charges or civilly sue you. However, being you won’t have any financial assets by then, due to that investigation that’s being held against you. You may resort to using that same “make-up” theory while you’re sitting in prison.

I am sure you are wondering why I’m addressing this resignation letter to you, being you are not management nor my supervisor. Truth be told, I am extremely confident this letter will get expedited to management through your part. You have done such an astounding job on reporting everything else to them in the past, this too will be automatic.

I would like to think you are also in shock and disturbed that I’m leaving this company. No more will there be a push over like me to complete your work assignments when you’re on 3 hour lunches, brown nosing, surfing the internet and maliciously stirring up chaos among everyone in the office. Also, when you come in late to work with your self inflicted personal problems, I will no longer be here for you to verbally abuse. You will have to find other means to feel superior about your worthless being. You will also have to find someone else to publicly humiliate, spread vicious rumors on, elbow in the hallway, make up names for, lie on, and steal credit from on a daily basis.

I feel extremely guilty leaving you holding the bag, especially after I’ve written numerous unreciprocated letters to management about your heinous office deeds. So now, I would like to thank you for encouraging me on making this desperate life altering decision. I’m now leaving my 65k annual job with this company to becoming a parking lot attendant where you can’t find me. Thanks to you I have gained a tremendous array of newly found skills that I can now claim under my professional belt. For example, my new expertise consist of cooping with my recently diagnosed depression disorder, stomach ulcers, nightmares, blood curling migraines and my diminished relationship with family and friends.

But remember Ralph N. Barbara, things might not be so bad now that I’m gone. The next individual you appoint to take my place might be quite proficient with eliminating you of your life’s misery for all eternity. I really wish this for you, Ralph N. Barbara.

Looking at the hits at the Resignation Letters Section, starting this post, I am starting a special series on some funny farewell and resignation letters that i found on the net. Enjoy !! 🙂

Ms. C. Crooke

Staff Incompetence Manager

The Office of Non-Compliance

Re: Resignation Letter

Dear Ms. Crooke,

Let me first start by saying, I have always admired how your professional demeanor in the office ironically correlates with your surname. Being said, I would have given you 2 weeks resignation notice. However, I have watched you over the years immediately terminate employees after they give you their dutiful 2 weeks resignation notice. Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to present this resignation letter to you effective immediately.

You have always said I should be more proactive and take more initiative, so I’m sure you won’t mind me taking this initiative and beating you to the punch. How I see it, I’m saving you the trouble of thinking up of some devious accusation to terminate my employment and tarnishing my good name in this unethical corporate world. Now, I don’t expect you to care about my well being because you don’t even care about your own children or your husband. That’s why you spend most of your time in your office after hours pretending to do the company’s work.

By the way, I just know after you read the first paragraph, your little evil micro-managing calculating brain had already thought up of a devious plan to spite me with. Keep in mind, I don’t need you at this point for a letter of recommendation. Your secretary, who is seeing your husband behind your back has already taken care of that for me. You should have paid more attention to all the documents your secretary made you sign in the past week. Your husband filed for divorce weeks ago unknown to you and your secretary made you sign your divorce papers. She also made you sign over all your rights to your house, children, money and other assets. Well, I bid you farewell and I hope you found this letter as amusing as everyone else in the office did.

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, etc… for my true assessment of him.