This Blog is Dedicated to the Investigation, Transformation and Correction of the Human Constitution as the Entity of Separation that it has become - to Shape, Manifest and Establish a Physical World and Reality that Ensures a Dignified Life for All Living Things from Birth till Death

zondag 30 november 2014

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpufHow i

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpuf

In the
previous blog "2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression", I opened up
and investigated the emotional experience and reaction of jealousy, as I came
to the realization that jealousy is an experience that I do often entertain in
my mind, but at the same time it is an experience that I had been hiding from
myself, because of how I have judged Jealousy as being something 'bad' and
'negative' and because I never wanted to face such 'negative'/'bad' sides of
myself. Obviously though, I did have to come to terms with the fact that as
long as I am judging things that exist within myself, and based on that
judgment, go and hide those things from myself - then essentially I will be
living a lie and so I will be accepting a limited version of myself, because in
order to change, expand and develop myself as a being, I have to face all of
myself, not only the parts that I have defined as 'good' and 'positive'.

If
anything, since having started this process of investigating and changing the
emotional experience of jealousy, I have been very grateful to myself for
having applied the self-honesty required to be able to see how my own mind
works and so be able to pick up on and become aware of when it is that I step
into the experience of jealousy and actually stop myself from getting carried
away by it and so change myself in those real-time moments.

Afterhaving written the first blog within this
process of Changing the emotional experience of Jealousy, and so within that
blog having established a platform for myself of first of all understanding how
and why it is that I will sometimes react with jealousy when I see another
woman - there was a real-time event that opened up in my reality where I had to
'prove' my understanding and awareness of how jealousy works and my commitment
to change Jealousy within and as myself to myself in one moment. These
real-time moments is where I essentially make the decision of 'who I will be'
and 'who I am', because when and as the experience of for instance jealousy
comes up within myself and I am becoming aware of it coming up within myself, I
have two choices that I can make -- I can either let myself be 'swept away' by
the experience, as per how I have conditioned myself each time the experience
came up within me in the past, and so accept and allow myself to 'become jealous'
- or I can apply my awareness of Jealousy being a mind-construct and in that
moment apply the Tools to be able to release the mind-construct and so make the
decision that I will not allow the mind to define who I am and how I will
experience myself in that moment.

So, the
moment went as follows. I was out with a few friends and sitting next to me in
the car was X. X had just met up with her boyfriend and she was still busy
sending messages to him on her phone. As I was looking at her being preoccupied
by her phone and smiling and giggling at the conversation that she was having
with him on the phone, I specifically noticed how her expression showed that
she was enjoying herself and also earlier that evening when I was seeing her
interacting with her him, she looked like she was enjoying spending time with
him. So in that moment in the car, there was a thought that came up within
myself of 'I don't have that', wherein I basically created the idea in my mind
that I don't have or experience that enjoyment that I am seeing within her in
my own life, to which I within myself reacted with an experience of feeling
inferior and feeling like my life is 'worth less' than her life - and so
essentially I was then feeling jealous of what I saw within her and what I
believed she has and I don't, because I wanted what she apparently has.

Eventually
I started feeling this experience of anger coming up within myself in relation
to her - where, she was doing small movements, like, flashing the light on her
phone around or not hearing someone when they asked her a question, and that
triggered anger within myself - specifically in relation to a backchat in my
mind that 'she is too preoccupied by her feelings in relation to her boyfriend
and the conversation that she is having with him to notice or care about what
is going on around her'. So here, I saw and realized that there is something
going on inside of myself that needs direction - because here I am getting
angry and upset over literally the smallest, insignificant thingsand I am channelling my anger towards this
other person - which implies that there is something inside of myself that I am
actually being angry about - something that I am not directing inside of
myself.

So then I
started applying self forgiveness - first on the anger that I was experiencing
towards X and then on the jealousy that I had been experiencing, which was in
fact where the anger was actually coming from.

And as I
furthered in my self-forgiveness I saw and realized that what I had actually
been doing was that, when I was looking at her and how she was expressing
herself in relation to her partner and her relationship, I had been
deliberately creating the idea in my mind that her life is so much better than
my life --- which, if I actually had a self honest look at my own life, is not
the case at all. I mean I am in a stable relationship, I have a partner that I
am satisfied with. But somehow I had been looking at her and how she was living
and expressing herself as if there is something special about it and as if her
life is this movie screen that is resonating light - and in comparison my own
life looked rather bleak.

So what I
realized was that, with being honest with myself, actually the reason why I had
been doing that in my mind is that I was deliberately distracting my attention
away from my own life because the reality is that I will much rather preoccupy
myself with reacting emotionally to other people, with for instance feeling
jealous about how I am seeing someone else live their life, than take
responsibility for my own life and actually direct my own life and take my life
into my own hands to give to myself what it is that I actually want in my own
relationship for instance. I mean, the truth is that I don't really 'feel like'
paying attention to myself and my life and putting in the effort to give myself
the things that I need and want - so within my thoughts, feelings and emotional
experiences,I will create the illusion
in my mind that other people's lives are much more interesting and just better
and superior, so that I can then react with emotional experiences of for
instance jealousy and inferiority and thus take my attention away from myself
and my life and so give myself an excuse to not have to actually take
responsibility for myself and for creating and developing and building the life
that I want for myself.

So here
what I realized when looking at this experience of jealousy, and specifically
looking at what I am actually doing when accessing that experience of jealousy
- is that I am deliberately creating a PERCEPTION in my mind that another's
life is more/better/superior than my life, just so that I could emotionally
react to that perception and so that, within and as that emotional reaction, I
can in a way 'forget' about and look away from my own life, specifically by
focusing my attention onto how another person is living their life.

And this
because, what this reaction and experience of jealousy in relation to and
towards another person's life is actually hiding, is a fear of failing in
relation to my own life. I fear taking specific steps and I fear taking
direction and making specific decisions and moving myself within my own life
because I fear failing and failure and I fear the future- which is why I would
then rather try to distract myself from looking at myself within and as own
life, through using thoughts of judgments, ideas, perceptions and comparison
and emotional reactions and experiences of jealousy - so that I could in a way
abdicate my responsibility and avoid taking responsibility for my life and thus
avoid facing my fears of failure and of the future.

So I was
applying self-forgiveness until I no longer experienced the anger, resentment
or jealousy towards this other person and until I was stable within myself --
which I established through realizing and facing this point of what I was
actually doing within myself - which was deliberately shifting my attention
away from myself and my own life onto thoughts and perceptions about someone
else's life so that I could avoid, 'run away from' and suppress the fears that
I experience within myself in relation to my life.

At this
point I realized that it is simply unacceptable for me to not just be honest
with myself and to so deliberately try to abdicate my responsibility for myself
and my life. And, in the face of this truth of myself, it would be unacceptable
for me to turn my back on reality to continue participating in the illusion of
Jealousy - illusion, from the perspective that the emotional experience of
jealousy turned out to have nothing to do with this other person's life being
apparently 'better', 'more' or 'superior' than my life, as it was just me
looking for an excuse to not have to deal with my own fears. And so this was
the point, where I understood that further allowing myself to participate in
jealousy would be unacceptable -from the perspective that I would damage my
integrity and decency as a being - that I was able to stabilize myself and
release the emotional energy of jealousy and the anger and resentment that I
had been generating with it.

In the
next blog in this series from Jealousy to Self-expression, I will be having a
look at the point of 'self-enjoyment' as the expression in the event in my
first blog and in this event that seems to be the activating point for my
reaction of jealousy - which thus implies that that is the specific expression
that I am not giving to myself and so is at the starting point of why I would
react with jealousy when I am seeing other women expressing self-enjoyment.

The
following is a slightly elaborated version of the self-forgiveness that I
applied in that moment and that assisted me in releasing the emotional reaction
of jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to feel angry at X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself within and as this reaction of anger to and towards X
without investigating or understanding where this anger is coming from and how
I have generated this anger within myself

I forgive myselfthat I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that I am reacting to X with anger because I am actually feeling
powerless and inferior and fearful within myself in relation to X and what I am
seeing when I am observing her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to look at X's life and her expression and react with a thought in my
mind that her life is so much more and so much better than my life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to then react to the thought that X's life and her expression is so much
more and better than my life and expression with an emotional experience of
inferiority, fear and powerlessness, because of now having defined myself in my
mind as 'less than' X and so believing myself to be of inferior value, and
therein then triggering a fear within myself of being less valuable than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to believe my life to be less valuable and inferior to X's life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to project that belief onto X when I am looking at her and observing her
expression and then separate myself from that belief in my mind by reacting to
my projection of that belief onto X with an emotional experience of fear of
being less than others, and so within and as that experience of fearcreate the experience that I am in fact
inferior and less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a
fear of being less than others to exist within myself

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and
allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create what I accept and
allow to exist within myself - and that thus if I define myself within and as a
fear of being less than others, than I in fact create the experience that I am
less than others within myself because that is what exists within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed
myself to see that I am feeling angry towards X because I am reacting to my own
self-accepted belief that my life and expression is less valuable than hers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not see, realize and understand that within being angry with X and
observing her expression and her life within and as a reaction within myself -
I am actually distracting myself from my own life and giving my value away to
X's life and so therein creating the experience within myself that I am less
than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not be honest with myself and actually take my own life in my hands
because it is just easier to distract myself with looking at how others lead
their lives and preoccupy myself in my mind within emotional reactions -
wherein I can then give away my responsibility and my power in relation to my
own life and so not have to face my own fears in relation to the future and in
relation to failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to look at X's life and react emotionally to what I am seeing so as to
distract myself from my own fears - and create a point of blame, wherein I am
blaming X for the emotional experience of inferiority within myself -- so that
I wouldn't have to take responsibility for the fact that this experience of
inferiority is in fact my fears in relation to the future and in relation to
failing in my own life

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and
allowed myself to take responsibility for my own life by victimizing myself in
relation to my own internal fears - through looking at and observing person X's
life and giving my power away to emotional reactions to thoughts and ideas and
projections in my mind in relation to how person X's life compares to my life
--- instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I am actually
experiencing resistance and fear in relation to my own fears that I have not
yet dealt with, and that me looking at person X's life and creating ideas,
perceptions and beliefs about who they are and how they live their life and
then reacting emotionally to that, is in fact me deliberately distracting
myself from my own fears and so me not taking responsibility for myself within
and as my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to deliberately create the idea and perception in my mind that X's life
is better than my life and that who she is and how she lives and expresses
herself is better than who I am and how I express myself - so that I can have a
point within my mind to give my power away to, by then reacting emotionally to
those ideas in my mind, and so that I would not be faced with my life and my
responsibility to manifest and direct my life in relation to what is best for
myself and so create myself according to who it is that I want to be and what
it is that I want to live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed
myself to be honest with myself and see, realize and understand that I am
actually afraid of creating my own life and taking my life in my own hands
because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a
fear of failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing within and as my mind

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed the fear of failing to direct me in relation to my life and myself - by
accepting and allowing my awareness and attention to be guided and directed
away from in every moment seeing and directing my own life, towards looking at
and observing how other people live their lives and express themselves --
instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I do not fact my
fear of failing and as long as I do not walk through the fear and actually take
my life into my own hands, within and as the realization that my life is in
fact in my own hands --- then I am actually manifesting 'failure' within and as
my life, as I am not actually in every moment directing myself towards making
my life a success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself within and as an emotional reaction and experience
within myself of anger towards and directed to X in relation to her expression
- where, I believe that I am feeling angry because of how she is behaving,
because 'she isn't paying attention to the people around her, as she is too
busy fiddling with her phone' --- instead of being honest with myself and with
what is really going on in my mind as to the real actual origin and starting
point of this reaction of anger, and see, realize and understand that within
this experience of anger, I am diminishing X within my mind, because within and
as the emotional reaction of jealousy I was placing X on a pedestal and making
her superior within my mind

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to even consider participating within this emotional experience of anger
towards X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anger is a
consequence of not having dealt with and released the emotional reaction and
experience of jealousy, wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to give away
my power to the thoughts in my mind that X is better than me and her life is
better than mine - and where now with getting angry I am attempting to get that
power back by diminishing X within and as thoughts and backchat in relation to
her expression

So I forgive myself that I haven't been honest with
myself in relation to how I gave my power within my mind by reacting
emotionally to thoughts in my mind wherein I was placing X on a pedestal by
believing that she and her life is better than me and my life - and that I have
accepted and allowed myself to go and react with an experience of anger, and
actually take it out and blame it on X, within and as the belief and thought in
my mindthat I am reacting with anger
because of who X is and how she is behaving - instead of being honest with
myself and taking responsibility for this experience of anger within myself
within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create the experience and backchat of anger, by giving my
power away within and as the experience and backchat of jealousy

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming
up within myself towards X or any other person that I am looking at and
observing in my environment, connected with internal backchat that 'they are so
much better than me in their expression and in the way that they live their
life' - then I stop and I breathe - and I see, realize, understand and make
myself aware of how I am, within my 'looking at' and 'observing' this person
and their expression, I am in fact busy creating ideas and perceptions and interpretations
in my own mind which means that I am deliberately creating a platform to react
emotionally

I see, realize and understand that, within applying
and participating within this 'looking at' and 'observing' this other person or
other people and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs in my mind about 'who
they are', I am giving away my 'energy' and 'attention' and so I am creating
the experience within myself that I am 'less' than this person that I am
looking at and observing --- and so basically within that I am creating the
emotional reaction of jealousy, wherein I 'want what they have' and I want to
be what they are and live what I perceive and believe they are living, as I
have created the perception and experience that their life and their expression
is 'better', 'more' and 'superior' to mine

I see, realize and understand that thus I am
experiencing the emotional experience of jealousy not because the people that I
am watching, looking at and observing are really truly 'more' or 'better' or
'superior' to myself - but actually because I want to react emotionally to what
I am seeing with my eyes, just so that I could divert my attention away
fromthe fears that I am dealing within
within myself in relation to my own life and my reality

So, within this, I see, realize and understand that I
am entirely responsible for having created the emotional experience within
myself of jealousy - as I see, realize and understand that it is not about
another person being or having 'more' than myself, it is in fact about me
deliberately giving my power away through creating ideas and perceptions and
beliefs about the people that I see with my eyes because I don't want to look
at myself and my own life and I don't want to take responsibility for developing
and building and nurturing my own life and expression, as I have accepted and
allowed myself to fear my own fear of failure in relation my the future and in
relation to how I direct and live my life

So here, I commit myself to, instead of creating
distractions in my mind within and as thoughts and emotional reactions in
relation to other people that I see around me in my environment just so that I
wouldn't have to face and experience my internal fears in relation to myself
and my life - be courageous and honest with myself and bring my attention and
awareness back to myself, every time that I catch myself experiencing jealousy
in relation to people that I am observing and looking at in my outside world,
by immediately realizing, seeing and understanding that this experience of
jealousy, wherein I am channelling and projecting all of my focus and all of
myself outward into this image/picture of another person that I am seeing with
my eyes, is based on a fear inside of myself that I am trying to run away from

So, I commit myself to face my personal fears of
failure and fear of the future in relation to my own life - and to stand up
within and as myself as the self-directive principle of myself and my world and
reality -- because I see, realize and understand that the fear of failure and
fear of the future in fact only comes up within myself if and when I accept and
allow myself to give my power away and if and when I do not in every moment of
breath stand as the directive principle of and as myself

Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to give my
power away to this polarity experience of jealousy, as the experience of
'wanting what others have', and fear of failing in my life -- but to rather
remain stable within and as my breath and my moment-to-moment existing within
and as the physical body, wherein I stand and exist within and as control and
power

And within this, when and as I see an experience of
anger coming up within myself, wherein I am in my mind having backchat in
relation to X or any other person in relation to specific expressions that I
see within them, like 'X not paying attention to her environment cause she is
fiddling with her phone' - then I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and
understand that I am in that moment deliberately diminishing this person's
expression within my mind, because somewhere within myself I have accepted and
allowed myself to give my power away within and as specific thoughts and
backchat wherein I had in fact diminished and inferiorized myself, and so this
experience of anger is in fact me within my mind trying to take back that power

Herein I see, realize and understand that the only
real way wherein I can get my power back, is not by trying to diminish others
in my mind and give myself a specific energetic experience of 'superiority',
'power' and 'control', but by in the first place taking responsibility for the
specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions and experiences in my mind
that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and give my power
away to, wherein I am for instance placing other people on a pedestal and
defining them as superior to myself through the perceptions, ideas and beliefs
that I create in my mind when I am looking at and observing them

Thus, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself
to give my power away to the mind-construct of jealousy as the 'looking at' and
observing another person and reacting with thoughts and backchat about her
expression wherein I create the illusion that her expression is in some way
'more' than my expression - to create and develop an awareness within myself in
relation to when I step into this 'looking at' and 'observing', to always make
sure that I do not channel my awareness and focus into what my eyes are seeing,
but that I always remain Here, within and as my own physical body and the
awareness of my breathing

zondag 26 oktober 2014

For a
while now I am in a long distance relationship where I am communicating with my
partner over Viber, which is this new communication application like Skype,
only on Viber there is a larger database of pictures - called 'stickers' - to
communicate with. When my partner and I were physically together, we never
talked to each other in a way where we used the kind of pre-ordained 'lovey
dovey' statements and expressions such as 'I love you' or 'you are my world' or
'I can't live without you' or other such expressionsthat form part ofhow relationships have been programmed in the
unconscious mind of most of humanity, with the help of movies, magazines and
books, and which are mostly referred to as 'romance' and 'love'.

We
specifically did not express such things because we are both quite aware of the
preprogrammed nature of such expressions - preprogrammed from the perspective
that those specific words of 'I love you', 'you are my soul-mate' or 'I can't
live without you' are not in fact expressions of who we are within ourselves -
they come from outside sources such as media and other cultural and
environmental influences where we have both come in contact with words,
concepts and ideas such as 'romance' and 'love'. I mean, what I have found with
myself in relation to expressing words like 'I love you' is that, within
actually speaking the words, there is a part of myself that is very much aware
that the words that I am speaking in that moment don't come from myself, they
come from somewhere else and I am just kind of following the 'program'. So, I
personally always refrained from expressing words such as 'love' towards the
people in my world and reality because when I looked within myself in
self-honesty, I could not find a reference point for those words - I could not
find a real, genuine meaning for those words, so to me they were empty
expressions that I felt would render me equally empty inside if I were to
accept and allow myself to express them.

And I
considered (and consider) myself to be very fortunate to have been able to
create a relationship with another person within that awareness - where my
partner and I were in agreement in relation toboth having an equal awareness within ourselves in relation to the word
'love' being a rather empty expression as how it has been lived, expressed,
experienced and defined in the world currently and it therefore not doing
justice to describing our appreciation for each other. So, we were doing
perfectly fine never expressing any of the 'romantic'-type expressions that you
would find portrayed in the common image and idea of how relationships are
defined in this world - which can specifically be seen and referenced within
movies and books -- and we never felt the need to.

But then
once we started communicating via Viber something interesting developed - which
is that, because of all those 'stickers' available to communicate with, a lot
of which was in accordance with the preprogrammed conception of 'a
relationship', where you had for instance lots of stickers involving couples
kissing, stickers with hearts, stickers saying "I love you", etcetera
- and because we didn't have the opportunity anymore to physically express our
regard and appreciation for each other, through physically kissing, hugging and
touching each other - we started using those stickers and we started using the
word 'love' to somehow try to express what we felt we weren't able to express
anymore because of the physical aspect being missing. This just kind of emerged
and developed 'naturally' so it felt like it was just us expressing ourselves
with each other - and,in itself obviously there isn't anything particularly
'wrong' with expressing ourselves in that way, we're just using the means and
tools at our disposal to be able to express how we feel towards each other.

After a
while however a specific experience emerged within myself. The warm and fuzzy
feeling that I initially experienced within my communication and interaction
with my partner that I had defined as our 'connection' and as 'love' seemed to
be 'fading' and making place for this experience of emptiness and even a slight
resistance in relation to our interactions - where, more and more I found
myself trying to 'bring life into' our conversations and kind of forcing myself
to bring back the memories of how I used to feel when I talked with him. And in
my mind I kept on looking back on these memories and thinking 'why don't I feel
that way anymore?', together with an experience of desire and a want to
experience myself and my relationship and interactions with my partner again as
how I experienced myself in those memories. I mean, I could not put my finger
on it, because it wasn't really our communication in itself that had changed -
it was just my experience within and of it that had changed and within that it
looked like 'I just don't love him as much as I used to anymore'.

So then I
was starting to believe that this is 'just how things are', that this is simply
how relationships go where initially things start out with lots of experiences
and feelings of excitement and 'love' because everything is still new and both
partners are still getting to know each other - but after a while as you get to
know each other more, the excitement 'wears off' and so the 'love' experience
isn't as strong anymore. But then I realized that what I was experiencing was
in fact energy - I was feeling disconnected and empty as an energetic emotional
experience within myself -- which means that these experiences that emerged
within me are not based on actual reality, but are existent within an alternate
reality that I have created within my own mind through having participated in
the act of thinking and reacting to those thoughts with emotions and feelings
over a specific period of time. And that thus, what was happening was not so
much that my 'love' for my partner was diminishing or disappearing in fact, but
that in some way I have been separating and disconnecting myself from my
partner and from who I am in relation to him through my participation in
thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences in my own mind - which then
eventually had lead up to the creation of an emotional experience of emptiness
and disconnection, that I then interpreted in my mind as a 'loss of love'.

When I
realized this, I then investigated how, where and when it is that I had been
accepting and allowing myself to create a separation and disconnection within
myself in my relationship with my partner -- and I found that it was the moment
that we started using the word 'love' in our conversations, together with all
the stickers of the little hearts and kisses and stuff. Upon looking within my
memories, I could see how there were reactions occurring within myself each
time my partner said that he loved me and each time he posted a sticker with an
image of a couple kissing or hugging - and that I was starting to experience
specific feelings in relation to those expressions of 'love' from my partner
that I hadn't been experiencing towards him before . At that time, I didn't
realize or see it - but what was busy happening in those moments was that my
actual love and connection that I experienced within myself in relation to my
partner, was slowly but surely being replaced by a FEELING of love and connection
-- a feeling that was triggered and activated by and connected to specific
words such as 'I Love You' and images like hearts and kisses.

I mean,
my actual love for my partner as how it existed before those feelings emerged
within me, was not a feeling in my mind but more like a deep understanding and
appreciation within myself in relation to who my partner is and what my
relationship with him is in my life - which is why I didn't need him to
actually use the words 'I love you' for me to be able to understand what he
means to me. I saw and understood who he is as a being and my love for him was
based on that understanding. Whereas now, with this preprogrammed system of
'love' as defined within specific words, images and feeling experiences
entering my mind - it was overlapping and suppressing the real love that was
already there -- and so ended up creating an experience of disconnect, separation
and emptiness.

That was
essentially what I was doing with allowing the preprogrammed definition of
'love' in my mind to replace my real physical relationship with my partner - I
was disconnecting and separating myself from the reality of my relationship and
so creating an 'emptiness' within and as my internal experience of my
relationship because that is what the preprogrammed system of 'love'
essentially is, it is empty from the perspective that it is an already
pre-ordained construct of specific words, images, feelings and emotions wherein
there is no genuine individual expression of myself - it is in a way 'void of
life'. It is a program in the mind that runs on energy so it will initially
generate a lot of positive energy of excitement, but that will start to 'wear
off' eventually as the nature of energy is that it burns up resources and
eventually fades out - at which point the reality of the energy reveals itself
within and as that 'inner emptiness' and the experience of disconnection and
separation.

With just
realizing, seeing and understanding that point, of how I had accepted and
allowed myself to be duped by my own mind and had accepted and allowed my mind
to suppress who I am as a being within and as physical reality in terms of my
experience within and of my relationship with my partner, which opened up as I
was talking about the experience with him - the 'mist' in my mind already
cleared up a lot, meaning that the entire experience of emptiness and
disconnection in relation to my partner released for a great part.

So, I
realized and understood something quite valuable from this experience - which
is that, if I accept and allow myself within and as my relationship with my
partner to in any way be directed by pre-ordained expressions, ideas and
experiences - for instance within reacting with specific feeling experiences to
words like 'I love you' and to specific gestures, behaviors and words that I
have copied within myself from having watched movies, read magazines and
observed other people within their expressions in their relationships - without
establishing for myself who I am in relation to these copied and integrated
expressions -- then the consequences of me giving my expression away to a
preprogrammed 'format' of expression as Feeling experiences inside of myself
will be that eventually I will start experiencing a disconnection and
separation from my partner and an emptiness within myself in relation to those
expressions and in relation to my relationship and my 'love' for my partner.
And that is because of the energetic patterns involved within this
preprogrammed expression and experience of love. The pattern of which will
initially take the energy into a 'high' as lots of excitement and 'warm and
fuzzy' feelings, that would be defined as 'love' - and will then take the
energy into a 'low' as the experience of disconnection, separation and
emptiness, which will be defined and experienced as apparently having 'lost
love'.

And that
is unfortunately the pattern that most relationships in this world follow
because most people, just like me, tend to accept and allow preprogrammed ideas
and conceptions in their mind to decide for them how they will experience their
relationship and express and experience themselves within the relationship -
instead of being Self-Honest and investigating and exploring who they really
are as a being and how they can align their relationship with their partner to
stand as a platform of support for who they are as a being. And this is also
the primary reason why many relationships don't tend to last that long - as a
consequential outflow effect of accepting and allowing the word Love to play
into Feelings and emotions in the mind, instead of Self being the Directive
Force and Deciding Factor of what that word Love actually practically entails
within and as the physical reality of the Relationship.

In my
next blog on this process of Transforming the Word Love from a Consequential
Pattern of Energy into a Stable Platform for Self-Expression and Self-Expansion
within a Relationship - I will share the next Step to be walked, which is to
walk a Process of Redefining the word 'Love' and within that, establish a
stable internal understanding and integration of what the word Love would
practically mean and stabilize our relationship to the word Love, so as to
ensure that using this word within our relationship and our interaction and
communication with our partner doesn't create any detrimental consequences and
doesn't in any way end up sabotaging our relationship.

In Part 1 I
have discussed and laid out the basic pattern that I have been faced with in my
relationship with a male partner, which was one of inferiorizing myself within
myself to and towards my partner within an emotional pattern that gets
activated by a fear of losing my partner that at some point in our relationship
starts coming up within myself.

Now, as I
noticed myself going into this specific emotional pattern of inferiority within
and as the specific emotional reactions and experiences as described in Part 1
again - I saw and realized that I was accepting and allowing myself to step
into a self-destructive pattern within my mind and that if I do not stop and
change myself within this pattern immediately, it will start spinning out of
control and it will eventually lead to the end of the relationship and thus the
manifestation of the fear that is at the very starting point of this
self-sabotaging emotional pattern - because, I have witnessed myself playing
out this pattern before in my relationships with other people and, even though
the entire pattern is based on trying to hold on to those relationships out of
fear of losing them, it ended up eventually costing me the relationship.

The moment
that I could identify within myself as what triggered and started activating
the pattern of self-suppression within and as emotional reactions and experiences
of fear, sadness, depression and self-pity, is when I perceived and interpreted
the behavior and expression of my partner to be 'distanced' and 'reserved' -
to which I within myself reacted with backchat and internal conversations,
saying to myself that 'he is annoyed with me for some reason' and 'he doesn't
like something that I did or said', which then triggered projections within my
mind wherein I imagined that he would eventually break up with me because he
'doesn't like me anymore' or because 'he is feeling more and more annoyed with
me', connected with an emotional experience of fear.

From that
point of fear, connected with seeing those future projections in my mind of
'him breaking up with me', I then go into a point of depression as a way of subconsciously
trying to manipulate myself and my partner to take pity on me and then, out of
pity, give me what I want. I mean, I have never realized this about the nature
of depression, but as I have walked my process of investigating who I am within
and as my own mind, I have come to the conclusion that indeed, depression is a
self-created deliberate experience motivated by a desire to have control over
my environment and manipulate my environment to be and move according to what I
personally want and desire. For instance, in this specific pattern, the
experience of depression is only there because I actually fear losing something
and because in my subconscious mind I believe that I can hold on to what I fear
losing through using depression to initiate an experience of pity within other
people.

So, as I
was seeing myself sinking into a depression and entertaining all sorts of
backchat within my mind wherein I was basically fueling the experience of
depression in a continuous feedback cycle and diminishing myself more and more
- and I could simultaneously see that while I was participating in this
mind-construct of trying to hold on to and have control over that which I
feared losing, being my partner and our relationship, I was actually busy
creating the exact opposite of that by pushing my partner and our relationship
away from myself through isolating myself within and as the experience of
depression, and thus essentially manifesting my own fear - I then decided to
sit myself down in front of my laptop and stop myself within and as this
experience through writing Self-Forgiveness.

At the end
of this blog is an excerpt from the self-forgiveness and self-corrective
statements that I wrote out in that moment – which, after having looked at it
again later on, didn’t specifically correlate with the basic design of the
point that I was facing in that moment and that I had written out in my first
blog – nonetheless, because I moved and directed myself in finding an immediate
solution to my emotional reactions in the moment as they came up, the
self-forgiveness and self-correction that I applied is still relevant and was
still effective.

Through,
within the moment that I saw and experienced myself being enveloped by and
within an emotional experience, accompanied by specific thoughts that I was
entertaining in my mind, applying this written Self-Forgiveness, I was able to
stop the immediate overwhelmingness of the experience within myself and stop
myself from fueling the thoughts further and going deeper into it - and so
essentially bypassing some possible consequences in relation to my expression
and behavior to and towards my environment.

However,
I found that in terms of this experience and its trigger point, upon
investigating myself in self-honesty - I can see that there are still layers
existing within myself of how this specific mind-construct exists, works and
functions within myself. So, within the Next Step I will share how I am facing
this pattern within my life and how I am , through applying the Tools of
Self-honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Practical real-time Self-Correction,
changing it within and as myself and simultaneously changing my Life and
Relationships in my external world and reality.

I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear X

I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will
reject me and break up with me just like Y did

I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my memory of
Y onto X and expect that X will express himself and behave in the same way as Y
did

I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within
and as a fear that the past will repeat itself and to therein already blame X
for making me feel rejected and alone by assuming that he will inevitably do
the same as what I believe Y has done onto me

I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within
and as an experience of blame and anger towards Y within and as the thought that
'he broke up with me for no reason' and that 'he hurt me by making me feel
rejected and unworthy when he broke up with me' - and that I have therein
accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this memory and this
experience of rejection and unworthiness -- where now I believe that X will do
the same thing and that I again will experience myself as rejected and unworthy
just like in my memory of Y --- instead of releasing the past through realizing
that in fact how Y expressed himself within and as 'breaking up with me' was
never personal and that I felt rejected and unworthy because I created personal
interpretations and perceptions of his expression wherein I took his expression
personally - rather than seeing and recognizing his expression directly as
simply an expression of who he is as a life form and so seeing, realizing and
understanding that his expression did not define me personally

I
forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take
responsibility for my memories of Y by blaming him for the rejection and
unworthiness that I experienced within and as myself by thinking that 'he made
me feel that way by breaking up with me' - instead of seeing, realizing and
understanding that the problem has all along been me in my mind having created
personal interpretations of his expression and having taken his expression
personally by 'feeling rejected'and by
defining myself within and as his reaction to me --- instead of remaining stable
within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that Y
breaking up with me is an expression of who he is within and as himself and how
he has accepted and allowed himself to react to his world and reality, which is
completely based on his own past and memories in his mind and the parts of
himself that he doesn't want to be confronted with - and has got nothing to do
with who I am as a being within and as myself

I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that my starting point within creating a relationship with Y is that
I was looking for validation and recognition in separation from myself wherein
I was thus already defining myself within and as 'how Y sees me' rather than
creating relationships with other beings from the starting point of existing
and standing within and as self-validation and self-recognition -- and that is
why, when Y broke up with me, I took it personally and I defined myself within
and as his reaction/opinion/judgment/experience of me --- rather than seeing,
realizing and understanding that I decide who I am and I define who I am within
and as myselfand that the response and
reactions of other beings to me are never personal just like my reactions to
other people are never personal

I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that the points that I have blamed in Y such as him not having
communicated with me about why he wanted to break up or what he wasn't
satisfied with in the relationship and Y not being direct with me about what he
wanted out of the relationship and where he stood in relation to me - is
actually points that I have not taken responsibility for to develop within and
as myself --- and that it is in fact my responsibility to stand and live as
that which I want from my partner within and as the relationship and i thus
have to walk a process of self-investigation and self-creation to be and become
a living example of what is best for all with regards to being in a
relationship with someone

I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back
within and as my expression to and towards my partner out of fear that I may
lose him I he doesn't agree with or like my expression - and that I have
therein created the consequence of in fact losing the relationship because the
reality of who I am cannot be hidden forever --- instead of being direct with
myself and my partner from the beginning of the relationship and not waver in
my stance, within and as the realization and understanding that if I try to
suppress parts of myself because of fear that my partner may leave me then I am
sabotaging the potential of the relationship to become something real, because
who I really am within and as myself will come out eventually so my partner
will see the 'real me' anyways

So I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Y for not being
direct with me about who he is and where he stands and for the relationship
eventually falling apart instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that
the relationship fell apart because I wasn't honest with myself from the get go
and because I tried to hide and suppress who I really am out of fear of losing
the relationship --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this
is the consequence of placing the relationship before myself and not seeing,
realizing and understanding that if I do not stand and exist within and as
self-honesty and self-expression, self-respect and self-acceptance, then the
relationship will also not be supportive of who I really am

So I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give superior value
to the word, concept and idea of 'the relationship' with regards to being with
Y and to place this word/concept and idea above myself in separation of myself
within my mind and therein not see, recognize or consider the actual reality of
what it means to be in a relationship with another being -- where, in fact, the
only thing that really makes up the relationship and that makes a relationship
'work' is me and my relationship with myself within and as myself

I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have given
such superior value to the concept and idea of having a relationship and being
in a relationship in my mind, suppress and hide myself and hold myself back in
my expression in relation to my partner, within and as the idea and beliefin my mind that I have accepted and allowed
myself to define myself that I will have more control over the relationship and
over my partner if I suppress myself and if I try to change and transform
myself like a chameleon to be and become that which I believe and think my
partner will 'like' and 'enjoy' and that in this way I will be able to keep the
'relationship' in my world --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding
that 'the relationship' as an idea, concept and thought in my mind, Is an
illusion because in reality it isn't an actual 'thing' that exist in separation
of myself that I can 'hold on to' or 'have' --- the 'relationship' is simply a
word that refers to an interaction between two manifestations in physical
reaction - wherein thus 'the relationship' will be equal and one with what I
create within and as my interaction with this other manifestation/being ---
wherein thus, the relationship is not a 'static' and onedimensional idea or
concept, it is a constant movement and expression of 'who I am', that does not
have more value than 'who I am' within and as myself

I
forgive myselfthat I have never
accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship
with Y and the fact that it 'ended' was because my starting point within and as
it was in separation of myself, where thus the ending was one and equal with
the beginning - because, in reality, I never actually really considered the
practical dimensions involved in actually living and walking a real-time
relationship with Y because all that I considered was this idea in my mind of
'the relationship' that I had given superior value over the actual practical
reality

So I
forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that in reality, I never actually had a real relationship with Y,
because I never even bothered to put in the effort required to establish a real
connection and understanding between him and me or to even be direct and
straightforward and honest with myself about who I am and where I stand in
relation to the relationship

Self-Corrective
Statements

When and
as I see myself going into a reaction of fear and inferiority towards my
partner, within and as a thought in my mind that 'I am going to lose him' and
'he will break up with me' and 'our relationship is going to end' if I express
myself in this or that way - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and
understand that within this fear and thought process I am actually projecting
the past onto the future , by connecting a memory of my last relationship break
up onto the current one, within and as a fear that the same thing is going to
happen to me -- meaning that 'he is going to break up with me and I will feel
very sad and depressed and rejected'

Here, I
see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist
within and as blame towards my previous partner for 'breaking up with me' where
I have defined myself to be 'the victim' - and that therein I am not taking
responsibility for how I have actually created my previous relationship and the
break up myself through how I did not stand within and as the point of
direction and responsibility within the relationship

So, I
release this memory of my previous relationship through releasing and forgiving
the emotional connection that I have created in my mind with this memory as an
experience of blame and fear in relation to Y --- wherein I take responsibility
for how the relationship turned out and for what the relationship was and what
it existed as --- because I see, realize and understand that the relationship
stands one and equal with who I am within and as myselfand that the fact that I felt 'rejected'
within and as my relationship with Y, implies that in fact I had rejected
myself by not standing as the directive principle within the relationship from
the get go because I gave more value to an idea in my mind of 'the
relationship'rather than valuing myself
and my own expression

I see,
realize and understand that a relationship is nothing more than a physical
interaction between two physical manifestation - and that this relationship is
entirely created and determined by who the two beings/manifestations are within
themselves --- wherein thus, I see, realize and understand that any
relationship that I have with another being is entirely determined by who I am
within myself and the effort and consideration that I place within creating,
building and manifesting this 'relationship'

Meaning
that, I see, realize and understand that whenever I become emotional within the
relationship - for instance when I allow myself to go into an experience of
fear of losing the relationship and then allow this fear to direct my physical
expression towards my partner - then I am giving my directive power and
responsibility for the relationship away to the mind and am thus not directly
creating and forming the relationship into what is best for myself as what
stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself

Thus I
commit myself to, when and as I see myself becoming emotional within and as an
experience of fear and I see myself giving away my power to the mind as fear -
to stop and breathe - and to stabilize myself within and as breath within and
as the insight, realization and understanding that I am not the victim within
the relationship, I am the creative, directive and responsible principle

And so I
commit myself to rather stand stable within and as myself and consider what it
is that I am actually creating through my behaviour and through the internal
and external state of being that I allow myself to go into - wherein I thus
stand as the directive principle within and as the living statement that I
create everything that is within and of my world in each moment of breath

vrijdag 3 oktober 2014

I
remember when I first started vlogging and blogging in the beginning stages of
walking my process of investigating the mind, investigating reality and finding
solutions for the problems that I as an individual face within myself in terms
of my emotional and mental experiences and the problems that we as a collective
face in this world, such as poverty, starvation, rape, murder, etcetera -
whenever someone would comment on a vlog that I had made or a blog that I had
written that from my perspective didn't immediately give off the 'vibe' that
they agree with what I had to say, I went into heavy reactions of anger, which
I experienced within myself as this stance of 'righteousness', wherein I felt
like I was this crusader out to defend the truth against all who opposed it.
'The truth' being that which I at the time believed about reality.

Then from
the starting point of that internal reaction to the comment of the specific
person, I would start activating thoughts in my mind at a very fast pace of all
the things that I could say to this person to disprove their stance and to
prove that my point which I was conveying and sharing was 'right' and that they
are 'wrong'. In my mind I would have these entire speeches at the ready that
were the product of my desire to just find a way to get this person to see and
realize and understand that their view and understanding of reality has all
along been 'wrong' and that what I am showing and telling them is 'right' --
wherein I was basically almost expecting some kind of 'revelation' to take
place within this person, and for them to go 'Oh My God! You are absolutely
right! I cannot believe how lost I was in my own beliefs and thoughts! Thank
you so much for showing me the light, Oh Great Master!'.

This
reaction within myself of anger and frustration when someone didn't immediately agree with me,
which I would within my mind always interpret and experience as a blatant
attack of my words, my opinions and my person, wouldn't only take place in
online discussions and conversations, but also occurred in my home environment
with the people close to me. I would get into many heated discussions with my
mother and her partner, whom I lived with at the time, and with my friends and
family members, wherein the starting point of the discussion that always turned
into arguing was that I was trying to defend myself against a perceived enemy
based on the idea and belief in my mind that they are against me as what I am
expressing in my words, which was mostly some statement that I had made about
'how things are', like about how politics and the economy should be changing
and how people should change because the world is going to hell, etcetera --
just because they didn't immediately say 'wow Kim, yes I see now! You are so absolutely
right! Thank you for sharing this insight with me and please help me to
change!'.

This
tendency of being so reactive towards people in relation to discussing matters
of the world didn't only come up at that specific time in my life when I
started walking my process of Self-Change, even though it may have appeared
that way, because I was getting into arguments with people in my immediate
environment as well as online almost on a daily bases -- within my quest to
'defend and spread the truth', which was in other words my quest to push and
force my personal agenda onto everyone else from the starting point of
believing that I am 'right' and that everyone who doesn't agree with me is
'wrong' and so now I must 'fight' for what is 'right' and wherein I wasn't
aware that, from an observers perspective, I was kind of turning into a little
dictator on a small scale in my relationships with the people in my small world
of influence.

That
reactive and self-righteous nature was actually already existent within myself
ever since I became a teenager and had acquired some reasoning and logical
thinking skills and so from the age that I was able to form
'thought-constructs' in my own head through connecting information that I had
learned and picked up in my world and environment -- that had now become 'my
information', 'my opinions' and 'my perspectives' which I believed contained my
'identity' as a being, a belief that explains why I felt like I had to defend
those opinions and perspectives against all those who might question or
criticize them. It was however only once I started exploring information and
ways of looking at reality that was different from what I had learned and come
in contact with in my life so far, that this little self-righteousness demon in
the mind became visible and was lured out of its lair - because what I found is
that as long as the information that I identify myself with is the same or
similar to that of the people in my environment, then we will agree on pretty
much everything, because we think alike- but from the moment that there is a shift in that information, when
for instance one person comes in contact with a specific group in 'the world
out there' who present different information in the form of opinions, ideas,
perceptions and beliefs, then conflict arises because now there are differences
of opinions coming up.

It’s the
same phenomenon that plays out between people from different cultures,
families, religions, ages and other types of backgrounds. There is essentially
just a difference in information contained in the mind of these individuals -
depending on the environment that they grew up in - and so a difference in
values, norms and beliefs in relation to reality, which often then makes way
for conflict to arise between people from different backgrounds as each
individual is in defence mode in relation to the information they believe
represents and defines 'who they are' within and as their mind.

So
basically in those beginning stages of walking my process of Self-Change and
Self-Realization, I felt like my relationships with the people around me was
like a war-zone and like I had to fight people - because I was fighting for the
information that I had at that time come in contact with and that I had now
come to identify myself with, which was information in relation to why one
should walk a process of Self-Change, why the world needs Change, why people
need to Change, etcetera --- and so basically I was fighting for my existence
and survival as an 'Identity' - this 'Identity' being a system/construct of
information in the Mind.

How I
over time as I furthered into walking my actual process of Self-Change and
Self-Realization changed this inner nature of reactive self-righteousness in
relation to other people and specifically in relation to myself as who I
believe I am and what information of and within myself as my Mind I believe
must be defended - is through having first of all realized and taken my
responsibility for my own mind, meaning that I not only became aware of how my
experience that other people were 'attacking me' when theywere 'not agreeing with me', was in fact more
my own perception of the situation that was coming from and existed within the
Ego within my mind wherein I had defined myself within specific 'opinions' and
information about 'reality', but I also changed this attackative relationship
with other people in my internal and external reality.

In other
words, a very valuable gift that I have learned in this process is to be humble
in my expression towards other people and to, when I see that reaction coming
up within myself where I want to go into a fighting mode towards another
person, which is a specific conflictual experience within myself - rather than
expressing myself from that experience and actually going into conflict with
another person, I stop myself and apply the realization and understanding that
this perceived 'conflict' in relation to this other person and their words is
nothing personal but is actually rather a consequence of the fact that we both
come from different backgrounds and we use different vocabulary and words to
describe and define different things.

This
means that I have to now become firstly honest with myself about the words that
this person is using that I am reacting to within myself because somewhere
along the line I have accepted and allowed myself to define those words as
'bad' and 'negative', because it is those internal definitions of words that I
am actually reacting to with resistance and not so much to the person
themselves. And then from that starting point of clearing my own prejudices and
judgments of words, I can start seeing beyond the words and start investigating
who this person really is as a being within the words that they speak -
considering that they may use different words to describe the exact same thing
as what I am describing and speaking about, just because those are the words
that they have learned throughout their life to form part of their vocabulary
and so that is what they will use to describe who they are within themselves
and to express themselves within. So it Is up to me now to find that starting
point of firstly what this being is really expressing and secondly where the
vocabulary and the words that they use actually come from.

Because,
we human beings are in a way systems of information and the information that we
will express is the information that we have throughout our lives come in
contact with and aligned ourselves with. So if I go and just react to someone
because I don't personally like the words that they are expressing and how they
are expressing themselves within and as the words they speak, then I am in fact
reacting from the most superficial layer of my own mind wherein I do not see
this process that I have walked myself in my life in relation to learning
specific words and aligning myself with specific words that I have throughout
my life come in contact with - and so I will also not see that process within
another.

What I
found for myself is that to start seeing that process within another, meaning
the process that they have walked to become who they are and how they express
themselves in the words that they speak - is where you make a shift within
yourself from being and existing as an Ego within the superficial layers of the
system of information that is the Mind, to existing within a genuine Care and
Consideration for other beings. And that is where real communication with
others can start forming - as communication will now notbe from the starting point of internal
reactions but from the starting point of really getting to know a person and
finding ways to start understanding a person and to start speaking to and with
who they are as a being within themselves and so not the system of information
that they have become throughout their lifetime here on earth. And that is a
gift that can only start unfolding once you allow yourself to be open when
communicating with another being, where you look past your own internal
reactions and you stand within the realization that this other being's
expression is one and equal with your own expression - they are just using a
different vocabulary to express who they are. So, the words may be different
and the 'system of information' that is being expressed may be different, but
the being at the core of it is one and equal with ourselves.

There is
a Free Online Course - DIP Lite - that will assist and support you to start
walking the first steps in the process of investigating and understanding who
you are within and as the System of Information as the mind -- and so to start
understanding why and how it is that we sometimes go into conflict and
arguments with other people based on and because of the words that are being
spoken, as a consequence of us not actually understanding who we are within the
words that we speak.