Jeremy Renner’s guide almost gets his head chopped off in Thai bar fight

Jeremy Renner, who’s in the Phillippines shooting The Bourne Legacy, recently took a vacation to Phuket, Thailand, which sounds not particularly relaxing since it ended with his guide getting chopped in the throat with a homemade axe. According to the Phuket Gazette, Renner was in the Rachada Pub with five other people, when his guide dropped a glass on the floor and “became embroiled in an argument,” either because of the glass or independently.

Bar staffs in Thailand apparently don’t F around, because at that point, six guys who worked there pounced on the guide with fists and “a variety of clubs and cutting instruments, including a home-made axe fashioned from a motorcycle brake rotor.”

Oh, we playin’ prison rules? I guess we playin’ prison rules. Their method seems somewhat less refined than the autoerotic asphyxiation ninjas who got David Carradine, but effective nonetheless. The six men are in Thai custody, while the guide is “in hospital with serious wounds to the stomach and partially severed neck tendons.” Though hopefully he learned an important lesson about not bringing an actor to a home-made axe fight.

Renner’s publicist said:

A spokeswoman for Renner, 40, who also played the lead in Oscar-winning Iraq war movie “The Hurt Locker”, denied media reports that the actor was hurt in the bloody incident in the Thai resort of Phuket early on Wednesday.
“Jeremy Renner was indeed in a bar in Phuket Thailand as a vicious attack on a patron took place but was not injured or involved. He exited as the fight took place,” Renner’s publicist said in a statement. [Reuters]

“His friend was busy getting his head chopped off, but Jeremy wasn’t involved, in fact, he ran off crying as soon as the argument happened.”

What a terrible statement. See, this is what happens when you get a publicist who’s never had to explain a bar fight to his bros. “Bro, those guys would’ve been in BIG trouble if those twelve bouncers hadn’t held me back after I tore off my wifebeater. I actually managed to break through at one point, but then I remembered that I’m on my third strike and my fists are registered as deadly weapons, so if I punch anyone I could go to prison for life, and Lindsay said no beej for a month if I come home with bruises on my knuckles again. UGH! THOSE DOUCHEBAGS ARE SO LUCKY, BRO!”

“BRO! Why the FUCK didn’t you answer your cell last night, man? Here I am, MINDING MY OWN, when these total DOUCHE Sigma Nus were all like, Hey bro, you done with the pool table? I was like, The fuck you say, homos? AND SHIT WAS ON, BRO! I totally could have had them but I sprained my quad in B-league flag football so those fags got some cheap shots in. But that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t off banging that Asian Tri Delt with the huge tits.”

Crazy-ass Junie Browning was the one doing the chopping, right? I’ve got to imagine either him, or at least Mike Swick or Phil “Best Evah!” Baroni were nearby, those dudes seem to just stay in Thailand.