The memoirs of a Nigerian on the path of self discovery

2014 . My Year of Self Discovery

I’m not going to be philosophical today of all days – I spent the last 365 days doing all that – but what kind of writer would I be if I didn’t pen down a few lines to share with my future self? These are my memoirs, and even though I haven’t written up to half of my experiences this year (which mostly felt like I was suffering from mid-life crises), its only fair that I share the lessons learned. So, here goes!

LOVE LIFE, MAN ISSUES, BLA BLA BLA

I’m someone who takes pride in her emotional independence and strength, and sometimes loving makes me feel vulnerable to too many things. Because of this I guard my heart even against the most sincere of actions. However I took chances (albeit slowly) and opened my heart, allowing myself not only to love, but be loved. I realized I’m not so good in the “being loved” department (giving feels more natural to me) and it took me a while to let it sink in that I can’t claim to give love if I have not received. It was like going back to school again, learning how to be vulnerable and feel and reciprocate and care in new ways (I’m of the classic generation, remember?). It was all fun and games and just when I was getting the hang of it, things crashed. Like get-the-hell-out-of-this-school-and-if-you-come-back-we’ll-kill-you kind of crash. And so even though I’m now a dropout in that dastardly school of love, I’m sure it won’t be for long! I’ve been privileged in my lifetime to love all over again, and each experience always teaches me something new about myself. I learned that no matter how experienced or wise one is, love will always surprise you if you allow yourself to JUST FEEL. Love is sometimes impractical, unreasonable and careless, but it is also liberating and VERY HUMAN, and if you let it, you can experience the best times of your life! The practical, logical blueheartz may be saying “I told you so”, but bluphoenixrebel isn’t giving up. I believe that all this is going to pay off in someway, in the form of a tall dark handsome man with the wind in his hair and fire in his eyes…

laughs.

STEPPING UP THE LADDER

My career took a turn with more challenging responsibilities. It was a welcome development but nothing prepared me for what I was to face. I had to learn on the job and make mistakes along the way. I’m fond of mentally torturing myself with perfect images of what could have been, but that had to stop. I had to literally talk to myself everyday to get up and get going, keep moving, no matter how scared or unsure I was. So far its been a very humbling and competitive experience, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I am happy with how far I’ve come in my career and I know I have a long way to go, but I’m in a good place now. The only way to go is Up!

Champagne, anyone?

FOR THE LOVE OF FAMILY

My family is far from perfect but they mean so much to me! I was able to visit for just a week this entire year, but that was the most empowering period of my life. I had just ‘dropped out’ and was also burnt out from work, so all I wanted was to hide in my hole. Everyday I spent with my family gave me something I can’t describe and after just 7 days I felt better than I ever did in months. Since then I’ve promised myself to stay close to home no matter how far away I am – that way I’d ensure I wasn’t lost for long. I’ve learned to love people despite and in-spite of their imperfections, even when they are the worst of themselves. I’ve learned to speak against wrongdoing and accept responsibility for consequences of actions, but to love nonetheless. My family has given me grief and taught me tough lessons but they have also given me the gift of inner strength and self-worth.

I’M NOT A SIREN BUT…

I finally started my music career and that was another challenging period for me. I had to sacrifice precious time and money to put out music which I wasn’t even sure that people would love, but I got great feedback from the little effort I put in. To be honest, music makes me really happy and It’s one of the things I’m passionate about so I’m going to push myself to improve and make me better. You haven’t seen the last of me yet!

I also became stronger spiritually, you know. Trust, faith and hope are very very abstract things but they need you to do one thing: Let go. Worrying will do nothing but kill you – and age that pretty face of yours – so just let it go. Trust me, I’ll still cry and probably pick my face in worry but at night, there’s nothing more comforting than saying “OK Father, I’m done. It’s your turn now”. All these things are also wrapped up in something else: GRATITUDE! I’ve really learned that “.. in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...” (Rom 8:28). I’ve also learned that grace is yours for the taking if you ask for it everyday. I’ve learned that you can be renewed in your body and mind, if you just humble yourself and seek God’s face. Take it from a phoenix who has died and lived through Jesus many times! Speaking of which, many people lost their lives this year. I’ve become more empathetic and compassionate towards people’s situations and have been moved by the grief that others have been going through in a very deep way. I suppose this will be another avenue for me to channel my emotions to good (practical) use next year. I’ll just have to keep my eyes open to find out how.

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Next year I’m going to live my life to the fullest! I’m going to take more risks, more chances, more challenges. I’m going to enjoy the moment because I know the future is taken care of. And If I fail once I’m going to shake it off and keep moving. So help me God, amen!

Thank you everyone in the blogosphere and my world. For loving me and leaving me. For challenging, teaching and daring me. For trusting me and cheering me. Being a source of encouragement as a friend, brother, sister, lover, critic, hater, and fan. For investing in me, believing in me and praying for and with me. You were few, but you made me golden. I can only hope that the benefit has been mutual. Here is wishing every one of you everything beyond your heart’s desires!