Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

PEACHTREE, GA — Brushing aside any doubts concerning his injury, Lionel “Lion” Forest fought through unbearable pain to win the second major race of the Peachtree, Georgia Amateur Racing Series (or the PGA Racing Series), the Utley Supermarket Open 5k (or the US Open 5k).

Forest, the twenty five year old accountant, suffered a paper cut on his pinky only two days before the race. Attempting the Grand Slam of the PGA Racing Series, Forest had already won the Slam’s first leg in convincing fashion. However, having taken two days off to tend to his pinky, there was worry that he would falter on the challenging US Open course. That worry quickly turned to jubilation as Forest once again crossed the finish line in first, holding up two fingers as he broke the tape.

“I was ready for anything out there today,” said Forest, who blew away the field in the last 400 meters, winning by 4 seconds to keep his hope of winning the Grand Slam alive. “But let me tell you,” he continued, “that cut really stung once some of my sweat seeped through my band aid.”

Now, having won both the US Open and The Masterbators (which is put on by the sperm clinic in nearby Augusta), Forest’s attention will move to getting healthy for the British Bakery Open next week before the final leg of the Slam, the PGA Racing Series Championship in two weeks time. He will be applying Neosporin and Band-Aids on the hour every hour in preparation for his next run.

“We couldn’t be prouder of Lionel,” said PGA Racing Series Director Jonathan Newman. “He is what racing is all about in the PGA. There is a stigma that members of the PGA aren’t as tough as the rest of the sports world, but let me tell you, these guys go through a lot. I mean a paper-cut and this guy is out there competing? You show me another sport where someone is doing that!”

With comparisons to Tiger Woods’ performance at the Professional Golf Association’s United States Open, Lion Forest was not so quick to place himself in the same breath as the great golfer.

“Are you kidding me?” he replied when asked if he thought his performance was similar to that of Woods’, who had knee surgery eight weeks ago. “Tiger’s a pussy. I had a fucking paper cut! A PAPER CUT! You know how bad those sting?!”