Coke vs. tap water: The smackdown

Lunia Blue / For The Times

Let's face it: Fruit is a pain. It perishes and then those pesky little flies come around. So untidy. And what kid wouldn't prefer Mountain Dew to honeydew melon? Plus, the profit margins on Coke dwarf those of cantaloupe. Just ignore the nervous ninnies who natter on that for each additional 12-oz. soda that children drink every day, their risk of obesity increases by 60%. It's time to shoot the fruit, folks! ALSO: 10 tips for a better life from The Times' Op-Ed pages in 2013

Let's face it: Fruit is a pain. It perishes and then those pesky little flies come around. So untidy. And what kid wouldn't prefer Mountain Dew to honeydew melon? Plus, the profit margins on Coke dwarf those of cantaloupe. Just ignore the nervous ninnies who natter on that for each additional 12-oz. soda that children drink every day, their risk of obesity increases by 60%. It's time to shoot the fruit, folks! ALSO: 10 tips for a better life from The Times' Op-Ed pages in 2013 (Lunia Blue / For The Times)

You know the type. The worry-wart mom who flaps her yap that her kids should order water instead of soda. She yammers on that she's worried about her children's health and weight. Sure, one-third of children today are projected to have diabetes, and soda is a leading culprit. And 1 in 3 American kids and teens are overweight. But jeez, Mom, lighten up! With Zap the Yap, restaurant servers shoot an undetectable stun gun laser at Mom's mouth while the kids are ordering. When Mom's yap is zapped, the kiddos can fill up on high fructose! ALSO: 10 tips for a better life from The Times' Op-Ed pages in 2013

You know the type. The worry-wart mom who flaps her yap that her kids should order water instead of soda. She yammers on that she's worried about her children's health and weight. Sure, one-third of children today are projected to have diabetes, and soda is a leading culprit. And 1 in 3 American kids and teens are overweight. But jeez, Mom, lighten up! With Zap the Yap, restaurant servers shoot an undetectable stun gun laser at Mom's mouth while the kids are ordering. When Mom's yap is zapped, the kiddos can fill up on high fructose! ALSO: 10 tips for a better life from The Times' Op-Ed pages in 2013 (Lunia Blue / For The Times)

Genius! That's the only word that can describe Coca-Cola Co.'s "Cap the Tap" program, which urges restaurants to push soda and other profit-making drinks instead of water. As reported recently by the blog Civil Eats, Coca-Cola has pitched this plan to restaurant managers on its Coke Solutions Web page: "Every time your business fills a cup or glass with tap water, it pours potential profits down the drain. The good news: Cap the Tap -- a program available through your Coca-Cola representative -- changes these dynamics by teaching crew members or wait staff suggestive selling techniques to convert requests for tap water into orders for revenue-generating beverages." Bravo Coke! But I'm puzzled that you've apparently wiped mentions of Cap the Tap from your website since the report surfaced in November. Now is the time to expand the genius of Cap the Tap, not suppress it. To anyone who complains that sodas and junk drinks are the primary source of added sugars in the American diet, I say: "Downer!" Here are some other programs Coca-Cola can start to maximize profits and minimize health. -- Anne Stuhldreher Anne Stuhldreher is a senior program manager at the California Endowment, a statewide philanthropic foundation that aims to end health disparities in California.