Dear anxiety

You lurk deep inside me, always there but not usually visible to others. I can hide you well, I have had a lot of practise. I was only 14 when you first reared your ugly head but maybe you had always been part of me, lying dormant. At first I didn’t know what you were, I just felt that I had to hide you, that I had to be “normal”. Now, nearly 10 years on, I know exactly what you are but it doesn’t make you much easier. Sometimes I find it hard to separate myself from you and that frustrates me. I’m a person, not a mental health condition!

I hate what you have done to me. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if you had never entered it. But that is fruitless because I can’t change the past. But still I hate you, for several reasons:

I hate how you make me feel so weak. The fact that I fight you on a daily basis should prove that I am strong but it doesn’t. Over the last year I have taken steps to reduce you. I’ve been mostly successful but this journey has shown me how deeply rooted you are and how much further I have to go.

I hate that you alienate me from my friends and family. They try to be supportive but they don’t understand, how can they when they haven’t experienced you for themselves? Despite this I pray they never find out for themselves. I wouldn’t wish you on my worst enemy.

I hate how you make things that should be enjoyable so draining. Holidays, trips to theatres, cinemas and concerts. I should enjoy these things, I did used to enjoy these things. I still do to a certain extent but it is in these public situations that I fear you the most. Fear can be exhausting.

I hate how isolated you make me feel. Stupid really, when so many people experience anxiety or another mental health problem at some point in their life. Why do you make me feel like such an outsider?!

But I have some bad news for you. I am stronger than you think! I will keep fighting you, keep reducing you and keep reminding myself that I can do it! You get inside my head and make me think I’m pathetic but I am going to prove to you, myself and anyone else who doubts me that I can beat you! I have low days but I always bounce back.

Reblogged this on Safe. and commented:
I am absolutely in love with this letter. It describes life with anxiety so perfectly and the way Hayley threatens anxiety with her fight back. So inspiring I had to to share ❤

Heh! I think you’ll find there are more of us “outcasts” in the world than the normos (hehe). It’s just that a lot many of us (or all?) have to hide out in our rooms or wear masks outside. You are definitely not alone…for me the anxiety is like living and breathing in a large tub of yoghurt. A thick substance through which I can barely move let alone think or act. And it stuffs up my body and dulls my senses….

Great post. Having experienced the same crippling anxiety, missing out on so many holidays, weddings,…,I know how much strength it takes to even write these things down. You seem determined and it sounds like this is a battle you are winning – keep going! x

LOVE, love this letter. Thank you for putting those true thoughts out there. People on the outside don’t know what we hide every time we are out in the world. I hope you don’t mind that I am printing this out and keeping it close by to read when I am going thru my anxiety.

Reblogged this on a blink away from crazy… and commented:
Digging this letter from a fellow blogger, Calm Kitchen. Something we should all write. A big Fuck You to panic attacks and the prison sentence it feels like.