Saturday, March 31, 2007

We'd like to congratulate the NOTY High Commissioner and Mrs. High Commissioner on the arrival yesterday of their third child--born and named on the eve of the annual meeting of the Name of the Year Committee!

Little Infinite Vanilla X Ball Van High Commissioner weighed in at 8 pounds 6 ounces and is currently enjoying a little Gertrude Nipple.

Upon seeing her father for the first time, the third in line to the High Commissioner throne screamed: ``How could you give Kyle Sackrider a 4 seed? He was a lock 2! And Cynammon Burns? A 16? What were you thinking?''

We won't divulge the baby's real name. But it sure as hell isn't Shiloh.

Friday, March 30, 2007

With just one day of ballotting left for the 2007 Name of the Year, this morning we were reminded, via the circle-jerk world of the blogdome, that it was time for the Final Four of NOTY’s NCAA Name Tournament.

With all apologies to [UCLA's] Luc Richard Mbah A Moute and, to a lesser extent, Marreese Speights of Florida, is there a cooler name among teams in the Final Four than GU's Octavius Spann? Not only does the sophomore reserve channel legendary former Romans and Briton Kings with his name, but he channels Spider-Man villain Doctor Octopus, whose real name, of course, was Otto Octavius. Could you imagine Gus Johnson calling a game where Octavius Spann hit a buzzer beater? It might redefine our collective understanding of the word ``genius.’’

No quibbles here. Spann and Speights are the superheroes of a thin real-world Final Four. (We do still love Ohio State’s tandem of Shakespeare scholars, Othello Hunter and Mark Titus.) But it's no match for NOTY's NCAA's, featuring the schools that advancedin thefourregions:

Stanford over New Mexico State: A totally opposite game. Each school dresses just one stud and a wingman or two. For Stanford, it’s Da’Veed Dildy and Taj Finger. For New Mexico State, Hatila Passos and Londale Theus. Now Hatila Passos--part tyrant, part poet--is all-everything, but how the hell can you compete with a Dildy and a Finger?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

His blog may be called Mr. Irrelevant, but Jamie Mottram didn't want to find himself standing pathetically behind the velvet rope at the 2007 Name of the Year ``Celebrity'' Bracket Party. His picks, and profound analysis:

--Phyre Quickly Burns is everything you can ask for in a name. The unconventional spelling, the life lesson learned. Frankly, this would be a champion most years. However...

--Vanilla Dong is not the Name of the Year, it's the name of the decade. (Editor: Assumption Bulltron was the Name of the Decade—the decade between 1983 and 1992.)

--Bung Mac is your token 12-seed upset, but the Cinderella story ends in the Sweet 16 against the Vanilla Dong powerhouse. Tough draw.

--Lady Comfort really got slighted by the Selection Committee. A 15 seed? C'mon! And where the fuck is Lawyer Milloy? I mean, if Mister Taylor is a 13, Lawyer got robbed! (Editor: Milloy was nominated in 1997.)

--I love the clashing nomenclature of Princess Perdue. Too bad it gets run over by Adrienne Cumbus in the third round.

--I know Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee looks funny on paper, but just say D. Zeke Ezekowitz out loud. That's got Final Four all over it.

Jamie Mottram, ladies and gentlemen: irrelevant no more. Only two days to go before Price Waterhouse certifies the ballots for the 2007 Name of the Year. Vote now!

Notable entrants/random thoughts: The Sithole Regional was either overwhelmingly weak or horrendously seeded. It featured a No. 10 (Quantavius Sturdivant) versus a No. 14 (Anita Fiel) in the Sweet 16, and its Final Four entrant, Kyle Sackrider (right), made it on strength of last name alone. (But what a last name!)

Reasoning for picks throughout tournament: An amazing first name or last name alone can get your through the early rounds of the tournament (Bulcock, Nipple, Cumbus), but any Name of the Year winner must be well-rounded in both first and last name. Or first and last and three middle names, as the case may be. Also favored: any name that referenced a body part—especially genitalia—usually advanced, while names that were likely the product of dirty hippies or too-clever assholes (Gelo Orange) were rejected in the early rounds.

An ode to Vanilla Dong: Simple, straightforward, referential to a delicious flavor AND male genitalia, well-rounded from top to bottom without being too over the top (see Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee). It is by far and away the greatest name in the tournament.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Famous people read—andlove—Name of the Year! And they fill out ballots! Our 2007 NOTY Celebrity Final Fours (winner in bold).

Will Leitch, founding editor, DeadspinFinal Four: Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee, Conceptualization Gibbs, Phyre Quickly Burns, Vanilla DongComment: ``I find it impossible not to pick a man with the initials `M.X.B.V.Z.' I think that's spray painted on the wall across the street from my apartment. Also, his name is a multiplication problem: When you multiply `Michelangelo' by `Ball Van Zee,' friends ... you get a champion.''

Monday, March 26, 2007

We’ve received hundreds of completed ballots from you, The People, along with scores of delightful nameinees for the 2008 NOTY Tournament. We'll start writing about them once this year's winner is crowned.

This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.

About 47% of the precincts have been counted. And we know who’s got the early lead.

Don't bet the trailer money yet.

We can say with confidence that the 2007 NOTY will be one of these enormously qualified candidates:

And Nipple and Sackrider are surprising the NOTY bracketologists. And Botts is living up to his No. 1 seed.

But we just don’t feel right revealing more. Because this could be 2002 all over again, when a single overlooked ballot—hello, Florida?—swung the NOTY election from Habibi Zibi to Miracle Wanzo.

We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition.

Or it could be 1998, the first year NOTY went to a 64-name bracket, when early favorites Fidelio Tata and Attila Cosby were outgunned by two geography names, L.A. St. Louis and—it was the best of names, it was the worst of names—Paris London.

Frankly, we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon.

Voting for NOTY continues through Saturday. Which means there’s only one thing for us to do.

None of this television mumbo jumbo, let's get in there and count the votes.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Not that it matters when you’re on the ballot for the 2007 Name of the Year—still plenty of time to vote!—but college hooper Cynammon Burns didn't reach the women's NCAAs and Cetera DeGraffenreid is still a year away. Nonetheless, we here at NOTY have been tracking the talent closely in the distaff tournament. Our all-name teams, and some special awards:

First TeamGenesis Lightbourne, IowaState: And said God let there be Lightbourne, and there was Lightbourne. Has it going both ways.

Epiphanny Prince,Rutgers: Her New York City high-school coach had an epiphany: Why not let my player humiliate her opponents by scoring 113 points in a game? Could it have been payback for Prince's disappointing 27th-place finish in the 2005 NOTY? Just asking.

Sixth Woman AwardSasha Polishchuck,Gonzaga: If she married Sasha Baron Cohen, she could change her name to Sasha Baron Cohen! High five!

Team Spirit AwardRobert Morris Lady ColonialsIn the waning years of the original ABA, the All-Star Game matched the first-place team against the best of the rest. Well, we'd like to see the Lady Colonials take on this tournament's stars. Their starting five: Psyche Butler, Princess Alston, Crystal Champions, Natasha Summerville and Sugeiry Monsac. And Chinata Nesbit's coming off the bench! The game could be played on the Robert Morris campus in Moon Township, Pa.—just a ``10-minute drive from Pittsburgh International Airport'' and ``accessible by bus’’—where table tennis and air hockey are all the rage.

Monday, March 19, 2007

While the Broward County Election Commission continues tabulating the ballots for the 2007 Name of the Year—vote here through March 31—we’ve been scouting the NCAA men’s basketball tournament for potential candidates to run in 2008. The last of the four quadrants: the South Region.

Memphis v. North Texas:Tre-Von Willis: wears his war wound like a crown. Kareem Cooper: love child of the 1980s Lakers. Winner: Memphis.

Second RoundOhio State over Xavier. O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster.Tennessee over Virginia. What fucking Chism trail?Stanford over Texas A&M. Two words: Da’Veed Dildy.Nevada over Memphis. In spite of how we feel about Shiloh.

Third RoundOhio State over Tennessee. That never set a squadron in the field, Nor the division of a battle knows.Stanford over Nevada. Two words: Da’Veed Dildy.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

After an overnight shift stitching basketball sneakers for 12 cents an hour, our loyal sweatshop employees will resume counting the many, many ballots we've received for the 2007 Name of the Year. The voting deadline: March 31. Meantime, here's our third installment of NCAA men's hoop name bracketology. The East Region.

USC v. Arkansas: a) The Trojans have a guy named RouSean. b) The Trojans have a guy named RouSean. For the record, his last name is Cromwell. Winner: USC.

Texas v. New Mexico State: Three players with initials for first names will not get you anywhere in this tournament, Texas. Especially against Hatila Passos, the sweet, anthroponomastic offspring of a rapacious 5th-century scourge of the Roman Empire and an impossibly prolific 20th-century novelist. Off the bench: Londale Theus and Martin Iti. Winner: New Mexico State.

Vanderbilt v. George Washington: Vandy’s got Davis Nwankwo and Ted Skuchas, which might be the cutest name in the tourney. And always good to see the creative preposition and mid-name capitalization a JeJuan Brown. The Colonials' front line of Hermann Opoku, Cheyenne Moore and Maureece Rice is no match. Winner: Vanderbilt.

Washington State v. Oral Roberts: Strike us with a bolt of lightning, but we don’t believe a 900-foot Jesus told Oral Roberts to build a hospital. Or that God threatened to kill him unless he raised $8 million. But the basketball team is divine. Moses Ehambe, Adam Liberty, Egidijus Budrikis, Sylvester Spicer and Marchello Vealy. Washington State is loaded with solid names—Taylor Rochestie, Thomas Abercrombie, Antonio Chavers, Daven Harmeling, Ivory Clark, Robbie Cowgill and Arlen Plaister—but you just don’t mess with The Man. Winner: Oral Roberts.

Boston College v. Texas Tech: BC is deep with the poetic Tyrese Rice, Marquez Haynes, Daye Kaba, Shamari Spears and Tyrelle Blair. But with a couple of White boys—Decensae White and LucQuente White—Bobby Knight won't be throwing any chairs in this tournament. Winner: Texas Tech.

Second RoundMichigan State over North Carolina. Idong, you dong, we all dong.New Mexico State over USC. Raping and pillaging.Oral Roberts over Vanderbilt. On the sixth day, God created Marchello Vealy.Texas Tech over Georgetown. Say with me three times: LucQuente. LucQuente. LucQuente.

Third RoundNew Mexico State over Michigan State. By more than an Iti bitty margin.Texas Tech over Oral Roberts. God should have told him to recruit Decensae and LucQuente.

TonTon Balenga [right, in mask] hit two tie-breaking foul shots with 1:10 to play Friday night, lifting the Marlins to a 67-65 victory over Washington University and putting the defending national champions into Saturday's title game against Amherst.

Coach! Coach! Over here, coach! Coach, how would you describe TonTon?

"I know TonTon's a warrior,'' Virginia Wesleyan coach Dave Macedo said of Balenga, whose shot with 2 seconds left last year gave the Marlins their national title.

TonTon! TonTon! TonTon, are you a "warrior?''

"Oh, TonTon is an African name that means 'uncle' in French," a grinning Balenga explained.

Thanks a lot, TonTon. Good luck in the finals. And good luck in the 2008 NOTY Tournament.

While our team of elves is chained to a radiator in the basement counting your votes for the 2007 Name of the Year—still plenty of time to fill out a ballot!—we're handicapping the talent in that other tournament. Next up: the West Region.

First RoundKansas v. Niagara:Benson Egemonye and Charron Fisher lead the Purple Eagles. That's right. A guy from an ’80s sitcom and the angel of death. The Jayhawks counter with Brady Morningstar and Sasha Kaun. We won’t call him ``Baron.’’ Winner: Niagara.

Pittsburgh v. Wright State: One on one, the way the game was meant to be played. Levance Fields of Pitt against Dashaun Wood of Wright State. Levance advances. Winner: Pitt.

Indiana v. Gonzaga: Is Xavier Keeling? Only if Bobby Knight’s still coaching. The Zags aren’t deep, but when you’ve got a Quebecois named Pierre Marie Altidor-Cespedes in the low post with Abdullahi Kuso on the wing, you move on. Winner: Gonzaga.

Second RoundVillanova over Niagara. Bilal? Casiem? What the fuck?Southern Illinois over Virginia Tech. The Coop and Kobby show.Pitt over VCU. Levancing.Weber State over Gonzaga. Plants, inane spellings, alliteration, birds, a random Z, repeated vowels.

Third RoundSouthern Illinois over Villanova. Told Larry David he invented the Kobby Salad.Weber State over Pitt. Not Levancing.

Regional FinalWeber State over Southern Illinois. Daviin into the Final Four.

Friday, March 16, 2007

With voting for the 2007 Name of the Year well underway—keep those ballots coming!—we decided to take a look at that other tournament, the one played with ``student-athletes,'' an orange ball and Greg Gumbel. Over the next few days, we'll break down the field. Let's start with the Midwest Region.

Florida v. Jackson State: The Tigers start Caraiva Givens (powerful first name), Garrison Johnson (nice rhyming) and Kay Martinez (girl’s name). The Gators aren’t deep—Joakim Noah would be a fine name if he weren’t so annoying—but they have a big star in Marreese Speights, a sure 2008 NOTY nominee. Winner: Florida.

Notre Dame v. Winthrop: Golden Dome, tin names. Rudy would start on this team. Winthrop is front-loaded with Mantoris Robinson, Torrell Martin and De’Andrew Adams. On and off the court, the Irish are losers. Winner: Winthrop.

Wisconsin-Texas A&M Corpus Christi: Even Brent Musberger wouldn’t get excited about this game. Now starting ... Joe Krabbenhoft. TAMCC sounds like a pension fund and its roster is about as exciting. Winner: Both teams disqualified.

Second RoundFlorida over Arizona. Can you hear the crowd? Mar-reeeeese!Maryland over ODU. With a Strawberry on top.Oregon over Winthrop. Did Maarty Leunen buy a vowel?Georgia Tech (bye).

Third RoundMaryland over Florida. But Marreese is a lock for all-tournament team. Oregon over Georgia Tech. Peace in our time.

After three No. 1 seeds are selected, Committee Member Neg says: ``What about Vanilla Dong?’’ ... Solomon HorseChief: underseeded at No. 7? ... Thankful Vanderstar comes up as a possible No. 2. Committee Member TFH doesn't like it, is overruled and makes a bold prediction: ``I’ll tell you right now. Thankful Vanderstar will not be in the Top 10.’’ Watch out, TFH, Justice Department lawyers don't mess around ... No. 6 Simpson Rushing could kill in this bracket.

``She’s got poetry,’’ Committee Member TFH says of Adrienne Cumbus. ``In motion,’’ adds Committee Member STW ... Genuflect with us in the direction of No. 1 Yourhighness Morgan... High Commissioner: ``Phyre Quickly Burns is a classic four. Look under complete sentences.’’ ... Sister Cynammon Burns dissed by the Seeding Committee ... High C: ``Princess Perdue has alliteration, she’s got chicken, she’s got last year’s winner [Princess Nocandy]. She’s got a lot going for her.’’ Maybe not her poetry ... Late nominees Alibaba Oddand Jazzmen Guysquare off in a 5-12: Overdog beware ... Destinee Hooker: More than just a Face in the Crowd ... Leftonred Atanycorner’s invented, though legal, name, chronicled in The New Yorker, sparked debate. TFH: ``Did you see what he does? He walks around the city looking for bad traffic signs.’’ High C: ``He should be on the NOTY Committee.’’

You stay classy, Providence! Mario Hilario is a No. 1! ... Committee Member TFH: ``What was [1999 NOTY nominee] Roman Yahola seeded? Can we not learn our lesson and give Anita Fiel her due?'' Committee Member STW: ``She’s no Roman Yahola.'' ... Good thing they didn't serve dinner on a tray: Conceptualization Gibbs falls to a three seed ... No. 2 Maserati Jemison: He's got a lot of Maserati in him and litle bit of (Hall of Name member Largest) Agbejemison ... The waitress loved No. 5 Wisdom Bleboo--and you best not mess with Wisdom Bleboo ... As always, tough 8-9 matchup: Cetera DeGraffenreid is standing up--and throwing it down--for Latin scholars everywhere, but Lovie Lilly will try to send her to the principal's office.

Intelligent Infinite Botts: No. 1 seed in the tournament, unanimous choice of the four-member NOTY Seeding Committee ... His accomplice in juvenile delinquency, Mister Taylor, gets a No. 13; brother Sir Taylor left off ballot ... Yo, Taz Knockum? Can you be the first 16 to defeat a 1? ... After first half of field seeded, Committee Member TFH asks: ``Is it time for a phallic entry?’’ The High Commissioner replies: ``It’s always time for a phallic entry.’’ Enter John Bulcock ... We are totally ayo (fifth definition) for No. 2 Ayo Yayo ... Basil Hero: You're going need more help in NOTY than you will in your marriage ... High C: ``Is Gertrude Nipplea No. 1?’’ In the bosom of name-love, yes: old-school first name, sexually suggestive surname. In a strong NOTY field, though, a deserving No. 3 ... Geography gets its rightful due: No. 4 Zaire Kitchen and No. 10 Taiwan Easterling ... Committee Member TFH: ``Lady Comfort is a born 15.’’ And she can shoot the rock!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Name of the Year Committee meets tonight at an undisclosed bar in Tribeca to seed the field for the 2007 NOTY Tournament. Sixty-four deserving names—no play-in game in NOTY—in four regions named to honor some all-time greats, just like they used to do in the National Hockey League, only funnier and recognized by more people.

We’ve got the Bulltron Regional, after 1992 Name of the Decade Assumption Bulltron, a convict; the Chrotchtangle Regional, for 1991 Name of the Year Doby Chrotchtangle, a friend of the genius who also discovered Bulltron, a twofer nomination that might never never be surpassed; the Sithole Regional, for 1985 Name of the Year Godfrey Sithole, who has a doctrine named after him; and the Dragonwagon Regional, for 1993 Name of the Year Crescent Dragonwagon (above), a prolific author who, more important, changed her name as a teenager.

We invited anchorman and 2007 nominee Mario Hilario to do the play-by-play at tonight's event, but he has to get up early tomorrow to host NBC 10 Weekend Sunrise in Providence, R.I., and putter in his garden.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

We here at NOTY would like to be the first to congratulate MTV veejay La La Vasquez, fiancee of Denver Nuggets scorer and New York Knick puncher Carmelo Anthony. La La bagged two major life achievements in one day (not necessarily in order of importance): birthing a son and getting nominated for Name of the Year.

According to the Rocky Mountain News:

The couple has known for some time the child would be a boy, so they chose the name Kiyan (pronounced Kai-ann) and Melo painted his son's room nautical blue. Kiyan weighs 5 pounds, 9 ounces and is 18 1/2 inches long.

Little Kiyan was born at 1:35 p.m. Mountain time and mother and child are doing... Hold on. Kiyan Anthony? KiyanAnthony … Kiyanthony! Do we have the youngest nominee in NOTY history?

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

It warmed our hearts to read Harvey Araton of the New York Timestrashing college hoops announcers (subscription required) for the volume (both meanings) of pointless NCAA tournament ``bubble'' commentary.

But when it comes to the NOTY Tournament, we live for bubble babble. Here are some pressing issues as the nomination deadline approaches this week:

--Is Boston Theodore Williams just too contrived to make the final field of 64 names? Or does the unseasonably cold weather make us subconsciously sympathetic to Williams's nomination?

--Will NOTY acquaintance Joe Favorito make the tournament on the Joe Italiano Doctrine, which holds that Godfather-related coolness goes a long way? Will his new job as v.p. of marketing for the International Fight League improve his chances?

Last year, baby-name ``wizard’’ Laura Wattenberg picked what she called a ``Name of the Year.’’ Let’s leave aside for now the legal implications of appropriating our 24-year-old brand name (Editor: We're kidding) and break down the Final Fours of the competing tournaments.

First, the kiddies:

--Emmett. Like the clown? No, Wattenberg means like ``Emmett Smith,’’ the ``retired football star.’’ Great! Except it's Emmitt Smith. Wattenberg writes: ``[S]o who cares that you set the all-time NFL rushing record? You're nobody til you're a reality tv star.’’ That sound? Us stabbing ourselves in the eye with a fork.

--Miley. Some kid actor on a cable show we’ve never heard of apparently has this dopey name. Wattenberg says it’s ``a natural extension of Riley, Kiley et al.’’ Mom, dad, this is Piley. I mean Tiley. Filey? Qiley? Hold on, that last one’s kind of cool.

--Addison. Not much to make fun of here, expert Wattenberg's endorsement on the grounds that Addison is—here we go again—the name of someone who appears on television, in this case a fake someone. Big name for 2007: Turtle.

And Wattenberg’s winner:

--Shiloh. Tabloid celebrities saddle kid with name of Civil War battle in which 3,482 killed, 19,102 wounded, and 3,844 captured or missing. Why not Antietam? My Lai? Normandy? Lutsk? ``While other celebrities earn snickers for their unconventional choices,’’ Wattenberg says, ``nobody's laughing at the Jolie kids.’’ Except us, and every other normal person.

--Yetta Furman Burman. Old world/new slang first name, followed by rhyming surnames. Can be used in sportscasts when mocking ESPN’s ear-splitting, nickname-dropping Chris Berman. You’re with me, Yetta.

--Gordon Cobbledick. Classic coupling of one common name and one fabulous name. Bonus points: Gordo was a baseball writer back in the day.

--Singeng Balwinder. Yes, more sophomoric humor. And a pronunciation issue. Sometimes you just hold your nose and pull the lever.

Monday, March 5, 2007

So we were thinking some more about Lucius Pusey and wanted to clarify. The real problem isn’t that the Eastern Illinois linebacker legally changed his name or that he might flip us the bird. It’s the pronunciation.

You know it, we know it, he certainly knows it. Lucius Pusey is not pronounced how we all (well, not him) would like it to be pronounced. Lucius is surely just LOO-shus and Pusey more than likely poo-SAY. Which raises what's known here at NOTY as the Sithole Doctrine.

Way back in 1985, the NOTY winner was a fellow named Godfrey Sithole. How do you say his surname? Our post-adolescent lives consumed by beer, Nerf basketball and Atari skiing, we may not have known the exact pronunciation, or had much desire to find it out. But we sure as hell knew it wasn’t SIT-hole. (Turns out it’s sih-TOE-lay.)

Nevertheless, most members of the NOTY Committee chose to suspend disbelief and pull the trigger for Godfrey.

We did it again in 2001, electing anti-apartheid activist Tokyo Sexwale (left), which isn't spoken the way it's spelled. In 1998, we gave Falik Schtroks—certainly not ``phallic strokes''—a No. 6 seed; his first-round opponent was No. 11 Johnny Dickshot. (Dickshot finished fourth, Schtroks eleventh.) In 2005, Anus Alcoglu and Sheila Dikshit both finished in the Top 10. In 1996, in a clear act of provocation, we even nominated another Sithole, Zimbabwean liberation fighter Ndabaningi Sithole.

The dilemma here, obviously, is what to do with non-Anglo names: Go native or go phonetic? We personally think a name loses credibility when spelling is exploited for pronunication. On the other hand: 2006 runner-upSingeng Balwinder.

Back to the Sitholes. A poster on the excellent website Language Hat recounted a story about a radio newsreader friend ``who, unfamiliar with the politics of Zimbabwe,'' asked how to pronounce Ndabaningi Sithole.

Our coaching session produced confident locution but unfortunately on air it all fell apart. The "Ndabaningi" part went ok but, to the embarassment [sic] of all, his family name became Shit-Hole.

I now know never to tell someone in such a situation what the pronounciation [sic] definitely isn't.

Hmm. Maybe we shouldn’t assume we know how to say ``Lucius Pusey'' after all.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

A few late sports-world nominees before we seed the 2007 Name of the Year Tournament later this week:

--Solomon HorseChief. Point guard, University of the Pacific. All-State at Tahlequah Sequoyah H.S. in Tahlequah, Okla. All-Bi State League at Redlands C.C. in El Reno, Okla. All-Name at 2007 NOTY Tournament? Only time will tell. (Thanks to College Hoops Net.)

--Alibaba Odd. 6-3 forward from Simon Gratz H.S. in Philadelphia. By the way, we love that these league rosters include nicknames. Thaddeus ``Boobie’’ Fauntleroy isn’t getting much run over at University City, but he’ll get a good look here. (Thanks to NOTY Committee Member White Moses.)

--Chief Kickingstallionsims. The Stetson University 7-footer has been all over the Interwebs, naturally, but managed to slip through the very tiny cracks here at NOTY. (Thanks to NOTY commenter Jason.)

--Ayo Yayo. This Northeastern University wide receiver``will climb the depth chart as he continues to learn the system.’’ More important, he’ll climb the NOTY seedings. Full disclosure: We’re so old we didn’t know the Andre Nickatina song, or had even heard of Andre Nickatina, or knew the meaning of ``ayo'' or ``ayo for the yayo.’’ (Thanks to The Realests.)

Friday night. The Very Pregnant Mrs. High Commissioner is jonesing for junk food. So we—just the High C, that is; Mrs. C stayed home with Kid One and Kid Two—swallow Cocktail One and drive the minivan to White Castle.

We're on line, staring numbly at the menu, trying to decide whether it's six jalapeno cheeseburgers tonight or just five. Our eyes drift to the New Manager sign. And a smile slowly emerges, Grinch-like, as we discover that the food our 37-week-old fetus-baby will soon receive through mommy’s blood is in the sure hands of MONEY MOORE.

``Is Money in tonight?’’ we ask, craving one of the rarest NOTY experiences, meeting a nominee in person.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Thanks to NOTY friend Will Leitch of Deadspin for steering name-lovers in our direction today. Our first link! Now don't let us down, Deadspinners. Nominees! We need nominees!

Some Deadspin commenters wondered why Lucius Pusey wasn't in the 2007 preview. Well, we got the memo, but Lucius may or may not make the 64-name field. First, as previously reported, the sleuths at The Smoking Gun unearthed his legal name-change papers. Second, call us, um, wimps, but, given Lucius's email to Deadpsin, we think a little caution might be in order:

when i make it to the league i will shoot a middle finger at yall and say fuck all my haters.. i am the realest, and my name is Lucius Seymour get it right!!

We understand. You're the rare man who would prefer to be known as Seymour.

Our friends at the D.C. Sports Bog did a superb job evaluating the ample name talent inked by our nation’s ball coaches on football signing day last month: Windham Rotunda, Sampson Genus, Simpson Rushing. Deep in the comments section, poster Kerwin4two notes that Mississippi State is assembling one helluva incoming class.

--Co-Eric Riley: "My strengths are running the ball and going up against anyone one-on-one," Co-Eric says. And by that he means any name.

--Jazzmen Guy: ``He has good size and quickness,’’ scout.com reports. And a name as smooth as a Paul Desmond solo.

--Urban-legend-no-moreMike Hunt: ``While all 20 visitors on campus appeared to have a great time over the weekend,’’ a Bulldogs site writes of a recent recruiting-class visit, ``one in particular didn't get quite enough.’’

Thursday, March 1, 2007

We're packing up the 2007 Name of the Year Tournament nominees and preparing to Sol Seid (third place, 2002; inside joke) them next week at an Undisclosed Bar in Lower Manhattan. To wet your whistles before we wet ours, here's an early look at some strong contenders in this year's 64-name field:

--Intelligent Infinite Botts. Lock No. 1 seed. Not doing as well in the rest of his life, though. From the Albany Times-Union last year:

ALBANY -- While most adolescents navigate their first year of high school, one city youth will have his own learning experience behind bars.

Intelligent Infinite Botts, 14, had already served a yearlong sentence in the 2005 stabbing of a fellow Philip Livingston Magnet Academy student.

Now, after violating probation--and pleading guilty Oct. 6 to the August assault of a city 12-year-old--Botts is headed back to jail for 15 months.

"The only hope we have for this young man to return to society and not commit any more acts of violence is that he gets some education and programs over the next 15 months," said Albany County District Attorney David Soares.

Winning NOTY couldn't hurt.

Oh, the names of two other kids involved in the original stabbing? The twins Sir and Mister Taylor.

--Tyson Mao. This guy has a little Mike Tyson in him and a lot of Mao Zedong. (And he'll kick your ass at Rubik's Cube.) As anyone who's ever had a malletheaded argument at a bar can tell you, sports and politics is a combustible mix. A No. 1 or 2.

--Lovie Lilly. A good, tradition-steeped football name—think the illegitimate son of Lovie Smith and Bob Lilly--that also manages to retain a light touch. Top-four seed.

--Gertrude Nipple. You've got female sexuality in this name--well, a body part, anyway--and that's pretty rare in an era where most sex names come from the Y chromosome crowd.

--Conceptualization Gibbs. Some NOTY Committee members look askance on one-name wonders. But it's going to be hard to dismiss this sure-fire No. 1, who was convicted of hitting an upstate New York prison guard in the head with a food tray. Conceptualize this.

That's what we did when the High Commissioner was struck with the genius idea to turn our little annual vote into a 64-name extravaganza. That was in 1998, well before bracketology became the new Rock Paper Scissors. (Shameless plug: We contributed an entry, though not about names, to The Enlightened Bracketologist, a just-out book that applies NOTY principles to the rest of life.)

Rhyming never hurt a name's chances. Clinton Hinton was before his time: an NOTY nominee in 1985 who would have rocked the vote seven years later. Shula Hula had it going both ways, and finished third in 1996. First place that year? Honka Monka, verified with a phone call.

With that in mind, we give you 2007 nominee Mario Hilario, a Channel 10 News anchorman in Providence, R.I.

According to his bio, when Mario isn't hosting NBC 10 Weekend Sunrise, ``he enjoys working out and puttering in his garden. He also enjoys dancing, cooking and eating!''

NOTY Nominee Communications Committee Chairman Neg--who made the call to Honka Monka's house and chatted electronically with Crescent Dragonwagon--recently dropped Mario a line:

Dear Mr. Hilario,

You have been nominated for entry into the Name of the Year (NOTY) Tournament 2007. As Chairman of the Nominee Communications Committee I have been asked to contact you regarding your nomination. I would appreciate it if you would respond to the following questions.

1. Is Mario Hilario your legal name?2. Was Mario Hilario your name at birth?3. How often do you putter in your garden?

Sincerely,

[The Neg]

As the great Laszlo Toth said, you write letters, you get letters back.

Thirteen years later, though, an NOTY Committee member was shocked to discover that she wasn't born Crescent Dragonwagon at all, but rather Ellen Zolotow. Not much of a name that, by NOTY standards.

So. Valid or not? Some Committee members argued no: bullshit, made-up name. Some argued that a legal name change makes a legal name, and Dragonwagon herself makes clear that her name change might have been a regrettable act of youthful folly, but it was legal. Hey, some of us drink too much beer and throw up in Ben Franklin's lap, others change their name to Crescent Dragonwagon.

But here at NOTY we demand more verification than a website. To clear things up, Committee Member Neg emailed the author (whose mother, Charlotte Zolotow, by the way, wrote the terrific book Mr. Rabbit's Lovely Present, illustrated by Maurice Sendak, which we read to our kid), including the traffic among the Committee members:

Dear Ms. Dragonwagon,

I thought you might be interested to learn about the controversy currently surrounding your winning the 1993 Name of the Year (NOTY) contest and your subsequent induction with the inaugural class into the Hall of Name (HON) in 2000.

Sincerely,

[The Neg]

Dragonwagon, bless her heart, wrote back.

This is hilarious! I had no idea.

For what it's worth, in terms of verity... Mine is my legal name (I always remember the legal documents, which gave about 8 alternate names... you know, Crescent Dragonwagon AKA Crescent Parsons AKA Ellen Zolotow AKA Ellen Parsons... ``prays for an order of court.'' Prays!). And as I guess some of your august persons have discovered that on my website, you can click a button that says ``Is that your real name?''

From your e-dresses you sound like a very distinguished bunch. If slightly distressed that you have nothing better to do with your time, I am nonetheless honored. I only wish I had known earlier, so I could have gloated in my achievement more.

Thank you.

Remaining proud to hold aloft the Dragonwagon escutcheon,

CD

The NOTY High Commissioner validated her name, and her honors, and immediately nominated her ex-husband, Crispin Dragonwagon.

Nothing boosts the credibility of a name like air-tight verification. Here's the supporting documentation for two legends: 1992 Name of the Decade winner Assumption Bulltron and 1991 Name of the Year Doby Chrotchtangle. Both were first-ballot Hall of Name inductees.

The NOTY Seeding Committee is scheduled to meet next week in a secret location (a bar in lower Manhattan) to fill the brackets for the 2007 tournament. This young fella will be a strong candidate for a No. 1 slot.

Hot Florida football recruit Yourhighness Morgan doesn't have it ``going both ways'' in NOTY parlance, that is, he lacks a strong name at both ends. But as NOTY friend and first-time (though inadvertent) nominator Will Leitch of Deadspin points out, the juxtaposition of a remarkable first name and a pedestrian last name is pretty sweet.

When the tournament rolls around, a lot of names will be bowing to Yourhighness.

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About NOTY

Name of the Year was founded in 1983 on an Ivy League campus. Its mission has remained unchanged: to discover, verify, nominate, elect and disseminate great names. All names included here are, to the best of our knowledge, real. No malice is intended.