Studio Art Major Accidentally Shows Up to Class Sober

It was a typical Thursday morning for junior Studio Art major John Cavanaugh. He woke up, showered, ate, and had just made it to his Introduction to Oil Painting class when he had realized he had forgotten to do something very important: he was stone cold sober.

“At first I just started panicking,” said Cavanaugh in between spoonfuls of Nutella. “I was so paranoid people would find out I wasn’t high. I was looking at my hands wondering why the lines on my palms weren’t all swirly. All of a sudden, mirrors weren’t portals to other dimensions. It was really frightening.”

Cavanaugh went on to describe a moment of clarity he experienced in his sober stupor. “We began looking at slides of paintings all day and it just got me thinking: is this what life is really all about? Do I even really belong here? I mean, Studio Art? What was I thinking? I’ll be broke and in my parents pool house by 25.”

Since the incident, Cavanaugh has reportedly has dropped his major, stating he feels more financially secure doing a double major in Philosophy and Botany.