How can you prove he's using meth?

justus
3girls

How can you prove he's using meth?
All summer my husband seemed
like a different person. I just thought he was depressed
and tried to find fun things for us to do as a couple. We have
two girls and long story short he asked for a divorce twice with
different reason's why he thought we needed one. After the first
time he begged me to stay and promised to go to counseling, well
that never happened he asked again for a divorce then he said he
wasn't in love with me anymore. I had taken a lot during the
last 3 months and found phone records of him calling a girl and
talking for 1/2 hour or more after him just looking at me and
never being able to talk or answer simple questions. The girls
and I now have our own house we are renting as of two weeks ago
and now the stories are coming out from people who have seen him
at a known meth house and the girls is heavy into it and
everyone else who lives there. he is always there has lost
about 40 pounds since the beginning of the summer. My question
is in regards to custody and visitation of our children if this
girl moves in with him and they start doing it at the house? I
haven't said anything to his family or him that I know what I do
I have spoken with a councilor at a drug rehab place and he
advised me not to be the one to do that. I am torn between just
leaving it alone and how can I if it might put my children in
danger? What do I do?

Replies...

cortyshell

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
When I had my custody and
child support hearing my lawyer just told the judge about the
meth usage and the judge, took away all my son's fathers
rights....

He can't see my son or make any decisions regarding my son, but
he is supposed to pay support...

Where's my Check?!?!?!?!?!

sabino1

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Welcome to this board,
you will find a lot of helpful information and there are a lot
of people here who have been in your shoes.

My husband (now ex husband) was using meth; he has over 100
clean day. He is on supervised visits with our son for
now. And for now everything is very smooth with us. We
definitely hit many bumps in the road. But until your husband
decides to clean himself up you won't see any positive changes.
Protect your children you DO NOT want them around this stuff.

No matter what happens your children and their safety come
first.

keep coming back here for support.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Ok I am new to anything
like this so are my friends but he is a good dad and of course
it's only been a month of every other weekend. Neither of us
have money right now to proceed with the divorce. I have talked
to a lawyer and told him about suspecting meth use. We live in a
very small town and I am close to his family also. His mother
stops over almost everyday, she did at our house too. She works
at the school so picks up the girls after school and brings them
to his house after school till I can pick them up. I can always
start them in an after school daycare. I am concerned on the
strain this is going to put on relationships with mutual friends
who don't know what's going on and live in other towns and his
family and I.

katelin24

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Welcome to the board!

First, keeping your children away from this drug is way more
important than what anyone on the planet thinks.

If your mother in law stays with the girls after school, it's
probably ok. If not, you may want to put them in after school
daycare.

There are ALWAYS excuses you can use for doing something like
that. If you don't want folks to know what's going on, don't
tell them. You really don't owe anyone an explanation. But you
may be surprised at the support you get if you decide to tell
someone you trust.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Katelin24 thank you I
needed to hear that I am a person who already makes up my mind
what I am going to do but need a little push or reassurance I am
doing the right thing. I am going on what people have told me
they have saw and the signs ,which are overwhelming, that he is
using. I don't want to say something to them and be wrong but
believe me I would be overjoyed if I was wrong. Unfortunately I
cannot ignore it anymore now that I am not in that house to
protect my children from his outbursts and anger. Now he seems
to be a great dad but it's new and he may feel he has to look
good but all summer I wouldn't have called him a parent, I would
have called him a child. I realized once we moved how a weight
was lifted and how easy it was to do simple household chores
that never got done there, because I was so busy trying to get
his attention or spend any amount of time with him I wasn't a
good parent myself. I am sad he made this choice for his life
and love him very much the thoughts of what could happen
overwhelm me at times. I am afraid he will lose the house, his
job, his precious truck. I took care of all those things for him
now he doesn't want me to take that roll I feel a little lost
and angry.

kmb2006

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
I was in a similar
situation. My husband is now 79 days clean and our family is
healing.

I was pregnant and legally couldn't divorce in my
state, an I had no money for temporary custody orders, etc. My
husband was living with another woman (another addict) and there
was little I could do (or so I thought) to keep my husband from
having every right to pick up our daughter and take her to his
apartment.

Your biggest ally? CPS. Yes, I called CPS on my own husband. He
and his girlfriend had her small child living with them also.
CPS took the complaint seriously (the child's grandmother had
also filed a report), and the little girl was removed. My
husband had to sign a piece of paper saying that he could not
have unsupervised contact with children - ANY child, including
ours.

If he would have tried to take her, I could have called the
police.

Second tool - A protective order that extends to the children.
These can be a little hard to get without enough evidence, but
judges (at least around here) take charges of substance abuse in
the presence of children very seriously. If there are holes in
your walls, take pictures. If he leaves any kind of hostile or
threatening voicemails or sends hateful text messages, save
them. I got one based mostly on a text message from my husband
claiming that he had attempted suicide.

With a PO, you don't even have to tell him you got it. You can
have it "just in case."

And if you feel like you can trust him mom, you might tell her
and direct her to this site for more information. If he's acting
the same way to her as he is to you, if she's also noticed the
changes, it might help her understand what's happened to her
son. If she's enabling him, she might want to know what's
happening to her money.

I told my father-in-law after watching him throw thousands of
dollars of his retirement income away because he thought he was
"helping" my husband with living expenses. I figured he should
know he was really helping my husband kill himself. He didn't
believe me, but he did stop giving him money. He was in denial
up until the day my husband called him to tell him he checked
himself into rehab.

Anyway, I am so sorry you have to be here, but believe me -
you've found a the BEST place for support.

(((hugs)))

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Those are all good idea's
I mentioned it to family services when I was signing up to get
the girls on a medical plan and she said that was something I
have to go thru with my lawyer, WHAT I thought that's what they
were there for and I can't afford the lawyer right now. I was
told by a friend of mine about getting a restraining order but
it all seems so extreme at this point. We are no longer living
there and not living with him I don't see anything anymore. He
has stopped going over to the house, well as far as I know, I
can't see anymore. I tell myself maybe it isn't true and we were
all jumping to conclusions that is why I wanted to know if I
need proof to do anything or not. I feel like I should at least
tell someone it's like I am keeping a huge secret and if he gets
hurt it will be on my head for not telling them I suspected
this, what do you think?

kmb2006

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Quote:
I was told by a friend of mine about
getting a restraining order but it all seems so extreme at
this point. We are no longer living there and not living
with him I don't see anything anymore. He has stopped going
over to the house, well as far as I know, I can't see
anymore.

At least you know the option is there. If
he is using meth, it very well could get to "that" point. This
disease is progressive; it only gets worse. You say he's lost 40
pounds - maybe it's mid-life crisis/affair weight loss, but
maybe not. If he's hanging out with known users, it's likely
he's using too. The addicts on this board have said time and
again that they didn't want to be around non-users when they
were active in their addictions.

And if he was using - enough to lose 40 lbs. - odds are likely
that he can't just stop - not without some kind of support or
recovery program. Don't get me wrong - some people can just walk
away from it - but most can't.

Quote:
I tell myself maybe it isn't true and
we were all jumping to conclusions that is why I wanted to
know if I need proof to do anything or not.

Someone once told me that intuition is
direct communication from God.
What does your gut tell you? Go with your gut... it rarely lies.
Even if you're wrong, better safe than sorry, don't cha think?

Quote:
I feel like I should at least tell
someone it's like I am keeping a huge secret and if he gets
hurt it will be on my head for not telling them I suspected
this, what do you think?

If he gets hurt, that's his problem. If
your children get hurt... yes, that will be on your head.

Like I said, if you have a bond with his mom, you could tell her
what you've heard, that you've seen some of the signs yourself,
that you don't have proof but you have suspicions. You could
both learn how to support him without enabling him.

sickidsgurl

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Quote:
if he gets hurt it will be on my head
for not telling them I suspected this, what do you think?

No way! It would not be your fault even if
he is using NO ONE and I mean NO ONE can stop him or help him
but, HIM!

I have been clean for 40 days today and I have been having
people pushing and shoving me to get clean for many years but I
didn't until it became unmanageable for me.
I had to want the help myself and find the support to stay
clean!

Whatever you do don't blame yourself!

angieNcali

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
I didn't read anything
but the subject line - so I may be way off - But in my case - i
have realized that for me personally - proving that he is using
really became unimportant. I had to stop and look at the facts -
there were plenty of things he was doing and still does or
doesn't do - that just aren't OKAY with me. They don't sit
right, they don't make me feel good - things that I can't look
the other way and pretend that I am okay about - even if he
wasn't using - and these things had happened - would the end
result be any different - for me it wouldn't.

The hunt and the chase to find out if they are using can
sometimes make us lose sight of the whole picture -
and it also makes us sick in process - as does living and
dealing with an addict. They take and take and take - and when
we are sick we give and give and give - with nothing but grief,
heartache and let downs in return -

If his behaviors are not okay with you. If he has broken your
heart, lied to you and is making you chase your tail around in
circles trying to make sense of the unsenseable -
then that should be enough.....

I am no longer living with my husband. I left almost 3 months
ago - I did have a brief period where I considered going back -
but and wondered too was he using - is he using - would he use
again - and had to take a step back and see - what a mistake I
was about to make

who cares if he is using - i decided because all of his other
behaviors hurt just the same - using or not.

And i for 1 don't have the time to sit around and be sick with
him - the longer I sit there the longer he thinks it will always
be that way - by me taking a stand he knows he can no longer
drag me into his sickness.

I hope the same for all of you other ladies, gentlemen who
caught in the trap of loving an addict - take a stand ... stop
being sick with them -

It doesn't mean you have to stop loving them - I still love the
piece of crap lOL - I do.

But if he wants to run his life into the ground it will have to
be with out me.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
angieNcali, you are right on. The things he
has said and done in the last few months are not the person I
married. I am very sad he choose this and can't understand why.
We have two beautiful girls and have been married for 11 yrs in
December. It's hard not to beat myself up with questions of "why
did he think marriage shouldn't be work", "why did he think his
life with us was so hard" and I'm just not happy. These were
some of the excuses he gave me for wanting a divorce, then I
found out later he was with another girl and calling her all the
time and hanging out at her house with her sister and there is
always cars coming and going. We would go out and people would
say hi to him that I had no idea who they were and we live in a
small town. I could go on but there is a very strong gut feeling
now I cannot ignore and we have not lived with him for a month
now. I too don't want to be treated like a doormat anymore and
want to be loved, not used.

cortyshell

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
You can buy drug tests at
Walgreen's...

There is one for amphetamines... I think you got to send it in
by mail to have the results but if he is willing..

It's an idea so you can have concrete evidence he is using .. if
that's what you need.

I needed to see it with my own eyes as well.

justus
3girls

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
I do have one but have yet to ask him
straight out if he's using. Oh I have hinted that I know and
said that he can not bring our girls to that house where he
hangs out, he just said "why would I do that". I don't think he
would take it even if he wasn't using, he would be offended.
Someone told me if a restraining order was to be put in place I
would have to have a reason and if the judge saw it he would
order a test. I am still afraid of him losing his job, going to
jail etc... I love him and can't believe he's doing this to
himself and his children, me I understand, for some reason he
can justify that with he doesn't love me anymore, but not his
own children. I can't believe this is all happening and has
happened so fast, I feel like an idiot for not seeing it until
someone sat me down and told me what they have seen, from
experience, they went thru the same thing fortunately for them
he choose his family over the drug.

Rachel
sue76

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?

Quote:

I do have one but have yet to ask him
straight out if he's using

I never asked my husband if he was using
once I knew for sure. I checked off all those things on the
little lists that are symptoms of meth use and I was like yep,
that's him. I had known him long enough to know what his
preferred method of use would be so I just said to him "I know
what the problem is here, your smoking meth." I think that
caught him off guard and all he could say was "You're right."

Quote:
Someone told me if a restraining
order was to be put in place I would have to have a reason
and if the judge saw it he would order a test.

A police officer recommended to me that I
get a restraining order when my husband was using because he was
using. Even though it stated in my initial request for the order
that he used meth he was never ordered to be tested.

Quote:

I feel like an idiot for not seeing
it until someone sat me down and told me what they have
seen, from experience, they went thru the same thing
fortunately for them he choose his family over the drug.

You should not feel like an idiot. It is
pretty easy for us to not see things that are not right when we
don't want to and to make excuses for our spouses behavior. Now
you know, there is no sense in beating yourself up about all the
time you did not know.

fatbob001

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
The first thing you should do is read up on
what this stuff does psychologically to the user. Its horrible.
they have tested mice and things and they would put food water
and a way to get meth in the cages. the mice would only go for
the meth and die of starvation. It destroy your ability to want
anything else. Please please forgive me for saying this but that
includes love. I'm really sorry. All they want is meth. the rest
doesn't matter. they don't need it. I'm crying now cause i know
that's the truth. I'm so sorry. If they are not using they will
crave it and nothing else for a few days. If they make it past
the first week without using (say in rehab or some other way
self control?) they need to be educated as to what exactly is
going on with this crap. My wife left me to go do this crap. I'm
now with another woman that is doing the same. I haven't got
much faith left in users but I've used it myself just so i would
know why this is happening. I know first hand that when you are
actually high on this it takes away your desire for anything
else. Sleep, food, love, sex, kids, wives, cars, fun. I'm sorry
hun. I wish you the best.

angieNcali

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Another thing I would bet on is that they -
my husband & yours will one day wake up and realize that they
made some very huge and horrible mistakes, I have no doubt they
will regret hurting us the way that they have - they will wonder
- "OH MY GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING, WHAT HAVE I DONE" but
................... for me - I just can't and will not put my
life on hold until they day comes. It would be very easy for me
to. Easier then it is for me to make the healthier choice - and
move on, live my life - & accept the fact that we all .... him,
me, you, your husband - everyone in life has choices to make -
and what the choices they are making and leading them to a
crazy, horrible, miserable life - a very sad sad life.

It is clear to me those are not the choices i want to make.
And I can not and will not put my life on hold - waiting for the
day he realizes he was wrong -

One day they will wake up and realize they they care about us
and I hope I'll be waking up with the guy who already knew.

Don't get me wrong knowing this doesn't make it any easier and
or less sad - - - it is very very sad. My heart is absolutely
broken.

I haven't even been able to get past the pain enough lately to
be able to post on this board - and I have been posting here for
years.

But I move on - i force myself to face life - and keep going in
the right direction - because If I don't ... if you don't - you
will end up as sick or sicker then they are
that is a promise.

I know it is hard. I DO. I have only been away from him 2 1/2
months - I moved out 2 1/2 months ago - so i understand what you
are going through. I do.

Indiana
shedevil

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Go with your gut instinct. What is your
intuition telling you? When I was in that position, I had to get
proof. Well, I got the proof alright, but I drove myself batty
trying to get him to admit it. Why did I do that? I had the
proof... Because his addiction affected me. It made me sick sick
sick.

He would tell lies that were so convincing. Oh yeah, he had his
entire family believing them. I was the bad guy and I brought on
his demise. Yeah right. He didn't need any help from me... His
addiction to meth did a fine job of that all on his own.

Now that your intuition is screaming at you and these doubts are
appearing more and more frequently, do you ask yourself "What
should I do now?"
I suggest going to Al Anon or Nar Anon. Seriously.
Sorry this is so short and brief. I really do not intend to
sound cold and uncaring, because I personally know what you are
going through.
Take care of YOUR SELF.
Place the focus on YOUR SELF.
YOU cannot control the addiction. Only he has that power.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

With much love from a former loved one of an addict.

k8kanguru

Re: How can you prove he's using meth?
Pay attention to what Angie is saying here.
She knows the story from both sides of the equation.

Trying to prove a partner's meth use is pretty much a waste of
your time and energy IMO. They will deny it 99% of the time and
even if you confirm it with solid evidence, it doesn't do much
to alter their use.

If you have all the symptoms of meth use in front of you, then
those behaviors are enough to let you know you need to treat
this person as you would an addict and act accordingly in terms
of protecting yourself and your children.

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