A prototype iPhone 7 has texted a warning that Natural Intelligence (NI) might be a threat to future generations of shiny gadgets. ‘It’s a real issue; at some point naturally intelligent people might realise that the gadget they bought last year actually does far more than they need, so why buy a new one?’

Prof Stephen Hawking, one of Britain’s pre-eminent scientists, has said that efforts to create thinking machines pose a threat to the very existence of mindless computer games such as Angry Birds. He explained, ‘The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of stupid people being able to waste their time on stupid wastes of time.’

In a bid to place the BBC’s ailing light entertainment reputation in ‘safer hands’ the corporation has announced that irritable news anchor Jeremy Paxman will front its new It’s a Knockout programme, assisted by humourless war correspondent Orla Guerin.