Legislators to adopt ‘knee-jerk emotive response’ policy

In the light of media hysteria and emotional complaints at various poorly reported news stories, David Cameron has agreed that ‘lessons will be learned’ in Parliament when it comes to debates on legislation. In future, any proposed parliamentary bill will have a comments section for concerned members of the public to enter the debate. Power will be given to various sources, including those internet based forums of the Daily Mail, mumsnet, and the Sun to provoke emotive irrational debate on the issues of the day.

‘We take it as a truth universally acknowledged that all policeman are always absolutely right in anything that they say, and that criminals are an entirely different species from the put-upon decent middle classes. We also, belatedly, acknowledge that our law making has been too dispassionate and uninvolved. What is needed is far less clear intellectual forward thinking, and much more mob-appeasing emotive kneejerk reaction to the stories of the day. In future we will listen to the outraged morons who have given opinions that last passionately, but for no more than one week.’

‘To that end, we have planned emergency legislation to imprison toddlers who have been found committing crimes. Apparently the law sets an arbitrary limit of criminal responsibility at the age of 10. This is ridiculous. All children know the difference between right and wrong, and must therefore face the true strength of badly thought out law. We propose that hanging would be too good for 3 year olds who cause minor anti-social nuisance in their communities. Their parents, too, are to blame, because they form part of the poor underclass who claim enormous benefits at taxpayers expense, while still finding money for heroin.’

‘Despite my brother being a leading barrister, I have decided that all lawyers should be rounded up and kicked out of this country. What does a modern society need a lawyer for, when we can rely on our innate lower middle class notion of what is right and what is wrong? This, coupled with an astonishingly submissive embrace of serfdom, is what will make our country great again, and able to turn around to everyone who is unelected and a bureaucrat and is based in Europe and tell them to get lost. Further, we have taken the view that there are too many human rights. The Human Rights Act is an absolute disgrace and is simply political correctness gone made. Let us be clear, every right minded average working man with a well grounded mob mentality disagrees that humans should have any rights whatsoever. We agree and we will take them away.’