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IBM Thinkpad T60 - No Sound

I have been working on this piece of crap ALL DAY to no avail, and even though we're under warranty, IBM still won't talk to me without paying $99 since "the software isn't under warranty" and they're "99.9% sure it's not a hardware problem". Nice. So I'm gonna hit you guys up instead.

Laptop has no sound whatsoever. Ok, it breaks down thusly:

1) I'm on a DEADLINE. I have to find the magic fix within the next 15 hours or so.
2) Laptop is an IBM Thinkpad T60.
3) Fresh install of Windows XP Pro SP2.
4) Have Googled the crap out of this to discover lots of people have the same problem.
5) Installed this: http://www-307.ibm.com/pc/support/si...cid=MIGR-62855
6) Installed this: http://www-307.ibm.com/pc/support/si...cid=MIGR-64133 (note 888111).
7) Enabled System Sound in BIOS.
8) Enabled modem in BIOS (believe it or not this has supposedly fixed the problem for some folks).
9) Uninstalled and reinstalled driver again.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. No sound. However, if I press the volume hot keys, it does show the volume bar adjusting accordingly on screen, though nothing audibly actually happens. Woohoo.