Saturday, August 8, 2015

A Giant Step Backward

I took a giant step backward in my grief journey this past week two weeks and it nearly derailed me. Thanks to help and compassion from my daughters, I am back on track and so grateful for their love and kindness. As their mother, I know that they love me and will do anything to help me but I think it is greater than that. They both loved Ed with all their hearts and would do anything to honor his memory by helping me when I am down as he would have done if he was here.

My setbacks were two fold: being overwhelmed with work and the care of this beautiful property as well as a deep concern for two family members with major health issues.

I needed to step back and analyze the work and property situation for what they are...just a part of normal life.... but I am doing it alone instead of with my partner. When the garage doors, the dishwasher, the steam vacuum (all quit this week) and a major work project come at you all at once, it seems overwhelming and it is. Ed took care of all that "stuff" so instead of them being a catastrophe, they were an annoyance. Ed took care of all that "stuff" so I could focus on my work. Why should I expect that I can do it all alone as well as Ed and I could do it together? That's unrealistic.

Hiring some help to deal with the maintenance and repair issues has helped tremendously. Things will break and things will need to be repaired, replaced, painted and caulked. That is normal life. So I got some help. Hard to admit I needed it but easier once I got it!

The health issues of my two family members are not so easily resolved. A loved one is facing a recurrence of cancer that he has fought for two years. Another loved one is facing the inevitable decline that comes with age. Both brought back a lot of emotions related to Ed's diagnosis and treatment. My loved ones' situation brings back some tough questions about quality vs. quantity of life. I miss Ed terribly but the quality of life that he had was not what he wanted for himself. I sure wish we had had more years, though.

So, I fell backwards into a bit of a pit these weeks. Today, however, the sunrise was beautiful and I awoke with a new determination to keep walking forward. God placed a dear friend in my path at the grocery store and we shared some wonderful memories of Ed and that encounter gave me joy and hope. I had great visits with several of my grandchildren yesterday. God is good.

I know that the Lord, my family and my friends are walking with me and I will get back on track.

I always enjoyed learning something new from Ed's posts on new ag talk. He was such a knowledgeable and humble man. Always seemed willing to help. I know he is in a better place, as God promises us. But still makes it difficult on the grieving. Keep up the good fight. And keep writing. You do a beautiful job sharing your faith and feels. God bless.