by Brad Warner

I got an e-mail yesterday from a blogger who wanted my Zen dating advice. The blog is gonna come out next week and I’ll link to it so you can see what I said. (Now it’s up click here to read it.)

It’s weird she should ask me this now because I’ve been thinking quite a lot about the subject lately. I am a Zen teacher and I am now well and truly free of any romantic entanglements. No girlfriend, no wife, none of that stuff. I told the interviewer “I am dating.” And this, for her intents and purposes and ways of defining things was true. People who are not attached or celibate are “dating.” At least I think that’s how it works these days.

I suppose I’d say I am “open to dating.” Of course, basically no woman in Southern California will touch me with a barge pole because I am too old and not a “player.”*

I had this weird experience at a party last week in which I was talking to a woman. Once she figured out that I could not help her career or whatever she wanted from the men she chose to speak to she started looking around the room for someone better to talk to. It was extraordinarily rude behavior. But this is common practice in Los Angeles. I don’t even take offense anymore. I am clearly not a “player.” There are certainly a whooooole lot of ways I can help a person. But I cannot help them be successful in “the business” in this town.

I know those of you who don’t live here are probably thinking there could have been lots of other reasons for such behavior and that I’m being defensive or what have you. Maybe my breath smelled. Maybe I was boring. Maybe I’m ugly. All kinds of stuff. But I’ve seen this enough that I can be sure I’m calling it correctly. Whatev’s.

When someone doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, I’m not going to waste my time saying it. This goes for any situation, whether dating or the potential thereof is part of it or not. There’s really no point.

For those who asked about Amma, I did talk a bit about her at Noah’s place on Sunday. I thought the one guy who made a comment about it in the post below this one accessed what I said pretty accurately. I don’t hate Amma. But there’s nothing in it I’m really interested in except as an example of what’s wrong with so-called “spirituality” these days.

It’s also a good example of Hollywood spirituality, while we’re on the subject of Hollywood. Very glamorous and flashy, but with almost nothing at its core. Like a typical Hollywood film or anything they make in this city.

But before I get too deep into trashing Los Angeles, there is certainly a lot to like here as well. The natural setting, the weather, a certain vibrant, optimistic tone to the people — even though much of that is woefully misdirected.

So there’s my little tirade for today.

Cheers, m’dears!

*That’s sexist and untrue. I know that lots of women around here are not that shallow. But a lot of people here, male and female, are amazingly blind to anything except that which will help further their ambitions in show biz.

LA is not the only place like that – the worst I've encountered is in DC where the opening line of every conversation is always "So, what do you do?" After living there for a couple years in my early 20's, upon returning to grad school I had to learn how to speak to people my own age again about things that didn't involve where I work or who I know. I also had a friend recently be incredibly hurt by dating a guy that turned out to really want access to her boss at the time — a former senator turned Secretary of State. Brutal.

I couldn't believe it when a California guy actually said to me one time (when we were being introduced to each other) "I'm so glad for you to have met me". I thought he was fucking joking… I said nothing for a minute waiting for him to laugh. He didn't. It was so quiet.

I love Brad and hope he sticks around here for a long time. But I am sick to death of people from other places, living here, trashing LA and California. I know people who spent their first twenty years in NY and the last forty years here, who constantly crap on LA. There's a simple solution to this. Fucking leave already, and don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.

I don't go to a lot of parties anymore, but I have, and I've never seen the behavior Brad describes. Maybe that's what happens at SG parties, music industry parties, and movie industry parties — I wouldn't know. I've been to a lot of sailing club parties, but I don't remember people only being interested in what kind of boat you had. I've gone to a lot of ski club parties and don't remember people asking if I had a cabin in Mammoth. What I do remember is friends getting together and having a good time.

Some of my friends and I used to call ourselves "Rent-A-Crowd". The idea was, if you invited one of us to a party, you invited all of us. We'd walk down streets and just walk into parties thrown by people we didn't know (we brought beer). I've crashed Halloween and Discordian Society parties. I'd be on my way to a party with my friend Ed and ask who we knew there, to find out he'd heard one stranger inviting another stranger to it. In all those times I never ran into anyone who got ticked off by this — they usually laughed when they found out. I'd say if you're at a boring party… you just may be boring.

Brad sed: "Once ___ figured out that I could not help ___ career or whatever she wanted from the men she chose to speak to she started looking around the room for someone better to talk to. It was extraordinarily rude behavior. But this is common practice in Los Angeles."

And THAT is why, despite having a job at 4151 Prospect Ave, I left L.A. in 1974 and NEVER went back. (Oh, I had a job at ABC TV and I could help network… but THAT is not the point, is it? Rudeness is the point.)

These fish are gropers. Or these are just flounders who are groper wanna-bes. They all make good IXOUS – fish.

"Some well-known "stars" earn well above the minimum; their salaries are many times the figures cited, creating the false impression that all actors are highly paid. For example, of the nearly 100,000 SAG members, only about 50 might be considered stars. The average income that SAG members earn from acting is less than $5,000 a year because employment is erratic. Therefore, most actors must supplement their incomes by holding jobs in other occupations." SOURCE

I guess I believe in being 'friendly' with othersFriends is another thingI will drive co workers waiting for the shuttle to the off site lot–it's only a few blocks out of my way and those few blocks are worth my living in the kind of world I want to live in: where people can be friendly.Friendly is one thing and friends is something elseCan count friends on one hand and still have some fingers left over!I'm with Brad on this one, I've seen the face change expression on the person schmoozing with me at a party When they know what I do for a living and realize I can't do anything for them with what is of uppermost on their list of 'to do's (get job, get laid, get fucked up, get connected with others I might be acquainted with)etc.For these folks a party is a job and they are 'working the room.' Party means something different to me–it is play and it is pure pleasure. Sometimes these things are obligations–but I oblige myself to discover/uncover as much fun, beauty, bawdy jokes, etc. as I can find!

I'm with Anonymous 3:23 PM. DC is probably as bad as, if not worse, than LA. It's hilarious when you try to talk with people at a party and they almost never make eye contact because they are too busy looking around the room for someone they recognize as more influential and connected and than yourself.

And, you do sound like you are fishing. It's time to man-up, Brad – you've got to ask women out and not wait around for them to throw themselves at you.

Brad, if you want to drive women wild just tell everyone that you've decided to take a vow of celibacy. They'll compete to see who can tempt you enough to break your vows. It's like the guys that set-up a Gay rights awareness booth years ago. They were overwhelmed with women out to 'convert' them. The guys were actually heterosexual. SCORE!

Brad, You could try asking some women out who are your own age. I am assuming that if women think you are too old, you are mainly hitting on the young ones. According to your Wiki bio, you are 45 years old. Middle aged women are the way to go bro. Once you go gray, you never will stray.

I agree with that last post. Women get most interesting in their forties. I'm now sixty, but I was in the market at around that age, and there were lots of great women around. They know what they want, and they're not looking around.

Brad, they say opposites attract, so since you are marginally self employed with little money and average looks; you need to find a woman with a steady job or income, and very beautiful. Unless you want children, age is not a factor.

I'm not really all about Amma, but I did check it out once. The whole organization around it had something not right about it (although I hahve heard her charities do very good things in India) …but she did smell AMAZING.

Yep, thats SoCal for ya. I like it better up north [of course i'm bias], but there are people like that all over. And I find it hard to believe that Brad is having trouble finding a date, even in the smogy hopeless hole that is LA.

As a postscript, Brad plainly states on this site that he is a monk. Most people think that monks are celibate anyway. But thanks to Japan's little government mandated loophole you get to call yourself a monk when you're not really. Capitalize on the confusion in Cali girls minds and tell em you're a monk as part of the conversation. Or just buy a cooler shirt.

If you stare at a wall or the floor for hours or days and years and you still have all this baggage you are dragging around or feeling the need to air-out… what's the point? A simple No-Drama sticker where you will see it all the time probably would be just as helpful… or a good game of chess? Someone throw me a bone here.

If you stare at a wall or the floor for hours or days and years and you still have all this baggage you are dragging around or feeling the need to air-out… what's the point?

It's difficult to explain what meditation does for you, except that it helps you see things as they are. It doesn't get rid of your emotions, but you don't get caught up in them as much. To really see the benefits you have to hang around some long time meditators for a while.

This is the funnest, nonsense blog in a long time. And I want to add to it 🙂To be fair, I think stereotypes exist on both sides. What goes for women (not only in LA) is actually true for men as well. My experience (being in my 40ds and available)is, if you are not young and "hot" and preferably a bit ignorant, you will have a hard time meeting anybody. Men always say they want a strong, independent, smart women….NOT. Actually let's say most don't want it, I am sure there are many men who want…but their are in the minority I think. A strong woman it's to much work perhaps?! Brain work that is…Good luck all of you dating! Hey Brad I would LOVE to pick you brain on a date.