{for your soul}

June 07, 2011

It's not a big secret that I am a psychologist who focuses on the social, emotional, and career needs of gifted and talented people. And I'm pretty vocal about my mission to make the world safe for creative people. Not long ago, I was interviewed by CNN reporter Elizabeth Landau because of my unique perspective.

But what I have written about lately at least is what's new in my life as it relates to my mission. In this series of blog posts, I'll fill you in on what the heck I've been doing for the past three years, where I am now, and where I'm headed.

THREE YEARS: REDUX

Just last week, I left my job at a busy college counseling center. A job that I pretty much loved because I got to work with college students on a number of issues that ranged from depression, anxiety, and relationship issues to creativity and talent development on the other end. And I'm pretty sure that this was one of the only college counseling centers in the entire US that encouraged AND IMPLEMENTED creative and innovative solutions to all sorts of problems that college students face. For example, at this counseling center, we didn't teach tired and worn-out classes on Stress Management - students tend to hate this type of programming having heard it a million times. (Yes! Everyone knows that you're supposed to get enough sleep and not drink 8 Red Bulls in a row. Yawn.)

Instead, our approach was to engage students in a different way. My boss, the counseling center director, became known as "That One Yoga Guy Who Stands on His Head". Over the course of the (nearly) three years that I spent at the center, we developed a Mindfulness Practice program that exposed literally thousands of students to the basics of mindfulness - focused breathing, paying attention on purpose, practicing compassion. And we had a lot of fun along the way. The center was a place where I could thrive by having fun and doing really good work.

Briefly, here is a Reader's Digest Condensed Version of the past three years.

July 2008

Post-doc nearly completed, no post-post-doc job in sight. I had decided to move to Arizona to be with my love Tom. I needed more hours to get my license, so I decided that I wanted to work at a college counseling center. I even spent a lot of time thinking positively about getting a job. Yes, there is power in positive thinking, but I have to say that I was terrified that I wouldn't get a job, that my student loans would go into default and all of my hard work and a freaking PhD would get me nothing but a minimum wage job as a perfume tester at Nordstrom.

One night I cried big, snot-laden tears as I imagined the catastrophe evolve in my head. (I have an active imagination, what can I say?) I was with my friend Barb, a psychologist who didn't say much during my rant, other using some very basic verbal following and reflective listening that any beginning counseling student can do. She also provided the wine, which turned out to be helpful.

And I'm not kidding when I tell you that The Very Next Day after I sobbed my fears out, the Boss called. Seriously. He told me that my CV had landed in his inbox and that he liked my credentials. He told me later that he didn't know if I was actually as good as I said I was, or if I had a personality disorder. Fortunately for all of us, I don't. Have a personality disorder, that is.

So what's the lesson? Personally, I think that if you throw a temper tantrum about your future, God listens. No really, like if you let yourself feel all of the awful, terrible feelings that you keep suppressed under a cloak of positive thoughts, you actually can align yourself with what you want. Which is what I think happened that night.

And with a mere 4 weeks before my post-doc ended, I had my job.

In mid-August, I packed my little VW Beetle convertible, and accompanied by my blue-eyed cat Phoebe left the lush green of the late Kansas summer for the desert of Arizona, my love, and my job.

May 15, 2011

Today, I'm writing from the beach.
I came here with two of my best friends - women who I've known for 28 years.
As girls, we giggled and danced along the edges of what our parents permitted. In our 20s, we wore wedding gowns and bridesmaids' dresses and celebrated graduations. In our 30s, I watched as they each welcomed babies and began the task of raising them. Two years ago, I attended a funeral for one of their in-laws.
For the past few years, our time together has been slim - an hour or two here or there as our everyday lives spin each of us into the outer reaches of contact.
But this weekend, we returned to each other.
When people ask what we do, how we spend our time - I'm hard pressed to describe it. We talk and laugh. There is a warmth and depth to our conversation that surpasses the content. We eat good food, drink wine, and talk more.
Some things have changed.
We no longer stay up until dawn.
Nowadays, sleep pulls us under at The Usual Time.
Others have not.
Reality checks, grounding, and nurturing remain solid and steady as ever.
I rose early this morning to say goodbye to Ann. She was taking the early flight back to Atlanta to play in a tennis tournament.
Later this morning, Steph and I had Starbucks and muffins on the beach. Then, she was off to catch her flight to Chicago.
After she left, I walked down to the beach and laid in the warm sand. When the sun became too hot, I made for the water, allowing the cool gulf waves to rise up and over me until I sighed, refreshed and happy.
It's a funny thing, these relationships.
Sometimes, I imagine writing a book about us...the braiding together of three lives. Only I'm not sure that I could. How do you describe the deep sense of being known and loved so well?

April 10, 2011

Last November, Tom and I made a trip from Phoenix to Sedona, where we spent the night at an Inn that offered the use of a labyrinth to its guests.

In my spiritual studies, I have heard others describe the magic of labyrinths, but I'd never entered in one myself. It turns out, labyrinths are one of those mystical games that can mean everything and nothing, depending on your attitude and your willingness to allow yourself to fully experience the mystery of it.

My logical mind is not always willing to give up its rational pursuits however. And I was quick to see that all I had to do was to step over row after row of rocks to reach the labyrinth's center. But cutting corners and cheating is not the point of this exercise at all. Along the way, I experienced an array of emotions and thoughts. I was bored then impatient. I wanted to run, to cheat my way to the center. I wanted to but I didn't.

Why didn't I let myself race for the center, skipping steps, busting boundaries?Instead why did I make myself take step by step, circling closer and closer to the center?

Going into the labyrinth, I knew that the meditation is about a journey. What I didn't realize is how strong my impatience was. Even though I could see the center, which was my goal, impatience was my constant companion on the walk.

Even as I visualized my goal, even as I could see very plainly that I would achieve my goal, the impatience that I felt made me want to scream with frustration. But I didn't. I breathed and noticed both the impatience and frustration. And I wondered where else these emotions show up in my life.

Smiling ruefully, I knew the answer. As a goal-focused, hard driving person I strive to achieve my goals even when I know that they are a sure thing...and especially when I can feel that they are close at hand. With that knowledge in hand, I asked myself:

How do I want the rest of this journey to go? Do I want to rush through it as though it doesn't matter, or do I want to savor the process?

My answer was a no-brainer.

Of course, I wanted to savor. Of course I wanted to enjoy the process. With that, I began to relax and enjoy my journey, step by step. About halfway through, I realized that I didn't want to miss another moment of the path. I knew that the fulfillment of my goal would come upon me much too quickly.

Soon enough, I deliberately stepped forward and into the center of the labyrinth. As I did, I felt a surge of triumph at my accomplishment, and spent a quite moment there to savor the moment.

Just then, a line from a Mary Oliver poem danced through my mind:

"Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?"

It was, after all, time to go.

The labyrinth meditation was a good reminder for me. Whether I actively participate or not, the journey is sacred. The question, for me at least, is: can we allow ourselves to feel emotions such as anxiety, impatience and fear while continuing to be present for our journey? I wonder if we can trust the process of the journey to take us joyfully to the center of our goals, while learning lessons in patience and trust along the way.

March 23, 2011

have you been following my Facebook posts lately? Every day, I've been posting my best advice and insights about happiness and wellbeing - it's called 14 days to Happy - and you can follow my daily dose of positive energy right here at: Dr. Robyn McKay

So far, I have loved your enthuiasm and excitement about my daily posts, and it's all leading up to my new telecourse called 5 weeks to Happy.

5 weeks to Happy is starting this coming Tuesday, March 29th. We're going to have an amazing journey learning about the key principles and lessons that help busy professional women feel better so that they can be more effective in every aspect of their lives.

Check out my video here:

Then click here to learn more about this amazing new program: www.robynmckay.com/happy.html

Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below. I'd love to connect with you!

February 27, 2011

I read Wayne Dyer's book The Power of Intention when I was in grad school at the University of Kansas. Around that same time, one of my professors told me that he and Dr. Dyer had gone to graduate school together years before (and I loved knowing that!) As a psychology grad student, it was a little like finding out that your lineage in the field traces back to Sigmund Freud - only better because I totally dig Dr. Dyer's message.

Here's another Hay House selection* that I'm loving - the gift edition of Dr. Dyer's classic book: The Power of Intention. The link to the book is right here: http://www.hayhouse.com/details.php?id=5071

Jui Ishida's illustrations accompany Dr. Dyer's words, and serve to highlight and energize his message. It's really a beautiful volume; an easy read that you can pick up and sample nuggets of his teachings while giving your eyes something to feast upon.

And here's a video of Dr. Dyer himself, always loving, kind and inspirational. The illustrations from the book are also highlighted.

happy Sunday everyone :)

Robyn

*The good people at Hay House occasionally send me complimentarly volumes to reveiw. This selection is one of them.

January 08, 2011

Rather than simply addressing weight loss at the physical level, Marianne Williamson integrates the role of the human spirit into her latest book, which she says was inspired by Oprah. The content offers her philosophy on weight loss as well as practical steps you can take to change your relationship with your body. If you are looking for a weight loss method that acknowledges the deeper reasons for weight gain...and loss, I recommend this book. It's a love letter for your body and your soul.

Late last December, I wrote a blog entry over at Skirt.com - you can check it out here. In it I suggested that we each can choose a word that signifies what we want to create in 2010.

The word I chose was SHINE.

Shine. It's such a bold word, actually. When you shine, you make a choice to allow people to see you as you are, you shed light into the darkness and serve as a guiding light to others. As 2010 comes to a close, as the winter darkness quiets our hearts and minds this holiday season, let's all remember how important it is to bring our own light further into the world. When you shine, you give others permission to allow their own light to burn a little brighter.

Creative people can spend year of their lives hiding their light under a bushel, misunderstanding their gifts and talents, and feeling uncomfortable in their own skin. To be understood is one of the greatest gifts that a creative person can receive. The problem is that most creative people don't even truly understand themselves.

How can you expect others to embrace your unique qualities if you yourself do not?

And when you do not understand yourself, how can you possibly expect to express and embody your creativity?

How can you make a unique and lasting contribution to the world when you are dancing around the edges of your life?

Sound familiar? It does to me. As a teenager and young adult, I tried so hard to fit in, to be like everyone else. As I grew, my mom's repeated request was, "Robyn, can you please just be yourself?" What I didn't understand at the time was how chameleon-esque smart girls can be. It was very easy for me to blend in, to look like the average teenage girl. But inside, I was conflicted. And later, depressed.

What turned it around for me? I started focusing on my gifts, talents and abilities. I began listening to my intuition - that part of me who knows what's right and good and holy about who I am. And I got educated about creativity and giftedness. Understanding the psychology of creative and talented people, like me, was one of the keys to my healing.

My success team, which was made up of massage therapists, energy workers, coaches and mentors, and family members made a huge difference in my life. I can honestly tell you that it took a village of support for me to successfully complete my PhD. Of course, I did the work. But my success team served as my cheerleaders, my encouragers, and my believing eyes. Without them, graduate school would have been a beast. Instead, it turned out to be a lovely, challenging adventure that handed me a unique opportunity to shine, to stand up and to stand out. At the end of graduate school, I found my place in the sun.

Now it's my turn.

As a positive psychologist, I focus on what's right with people. I examine how a person's strengths, talents and abilities interact with his or her personality. I help creative people step fully into their lives, rather than dancing around the edges waiting for the right moment, the right conditions. People who work with me jump into their lives with enthusiasm and passion. They understand and embrace the very qualities that in the past have made them shy away from their creative power.

Are you ready to jump?

I used to teach swimming lessons to little kids. One of the most challenging parts of my work as a swimming teacher was guiding a little one who was terrified of jumping into the pool. You know the kid, right? The one who stands with her toes curing over the edge of the pool? The one who cries and cries because she doesn't want to jump...well maybe she wants to jump, but she is afraid of what might happen after the jump. Will I catch her, she wonders. Will she go under water? Will she drown? As a good swimming teacher, I knew how hard to push, when to encourage, and I especially knew when to take her hand in mine, count 1-2-3...jump! ...and catch her as she entered the water. And I always had a special celebration after one of my students made the leap for the first time.

Entering into life coaching can be a little like jumping into the pool for the first time - terrifying and exhilarating. Trust is essential, as is having the confidence in yourself and your coach that you've made the right and proper decision for yourself and your creativity. Coaching with the right person can literally take your life from ordinary to extraordinary, from a beige life to one that you live in full color.

With 2010 coming to a close, what are you doing to prepare for 2011? Are you ready for your light to shine? Are you ready to jump into the center of your big, bold, beautiful life? Or are you going to continue to stand with your toes curled over the edge of the pool? The choice is yours to make.

Song + Dance Dare: What's your word? Even though 2011 is a still a few weeks away, now is a good time to consider the word that will help you usher in a new phase of your life. What's your word? Shine. Be. Create. Begin. Believe. Power. Enlighten. Celebrate. Learn. Align. Meditate. Smile. Laugh. Shine.

November 04, 2010

She's a 35-year-old creative woman who went back to school to finish her Masters degree in Architecture. She’s also a divorced mom with two kids (ages 8 and 10). She and her ex-husband live a block away from each other and share custody of their kids.

During her first session with me, she told me how stressed out she was. Megan related that, in addition to attending classes full time, and working part time, she also shared the responsibility of raising her two kids with her ex-husband.

“He’s great,” she added. “He’s very understanding and supportive of my goals.”

Despite having a cooperative ex-husband, Megan decided to come to counseling when the stress of her life began to keep her awake at night.

She revealed, “I have so much going on during the day that, when I go to bed at night, my mind just won’t shut down.” Megan yawned as she estimated, “I’m getting about three good hours of sleep at night.”

Megan’s goal: To get some sleep.

What you need to know.

According to a survey conducted by the National Center for Sleep Disorders Research at the National Institutes of Health, 30 to 40% of adults say that they have experienced symptoms of insomnia in the last year. Sleep expert Dr. Phyllis Zee, a National Sleep Foundation Board Member, notes "insomnia is difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up too early and not being able to get back to sleep.” Insomnia can affect almost every aspect of a person’s life, from relationships and productivity to health and well being.

The Truth.

We live in a 24/7 culture. Our phones and computers may be wireless, but many of us are just plain wired from caffeine, anxiety, and stress that we use to power our overscheduled lives. Think about it: when you compound the responsibilities of keeping a home, raising children, and paying the mortgage with homework assignments, final projects, and major papers, the stress can seem unbearable at times. When you go to bed at night, your mind races as it reviews ideas, scenarios, and random thoughts.

You feel like you have little control over your hyperactive brain, and you lie awake for an hour or two waiting for your mind to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. Your sleep suffers. And when your sleep suffers, the rest of your life suffers too.

November 01, 2010

When musicians like Lady Gaga report that they lose themselves in their music; when writers such as JK Rowling explain that their characters just "show up" and the words "come through" them; and actors like Manisha Koirala simply embody the part....what are they talking about? Is there a psychologial concept that can explain their experience?

As it turns out, yes, there is.

It's called "flow", and psychologist Mihaly Cskiszentmihalyi discovered that it's the state of consciousness associated with creativity. In his study of nearly 100 of the most creatively eminent people in the word, writers reported experiencing flow when they wrote, actors when they acted and muscians, when they were deeply engaged in their music.

August 12, 2010

Smart Girl Question: My 5-year-old doesn't 'talk' to me, which is freaking me out because she goes to kindergarten in the fall. I am nervous about her being able to process it all when she can't seem to communicate about it. She keeps it all inside. I, conversely, am an external processor. Is this normal or is it something to be concerned about? xo, S

Smart Girl Answer:

Hey S, everything is changing for your little one and for you too, n'est pas?

The transition to kindergarten can be a bittersweet time. On one hand, you're probably excited for this next chapter in her life (and yours); on the other, well, let's just say you might prefer things to continue as they have for the past 5 years, one idyllic day after another (at least in your memory!).

I think it is quite normal for you to worry that she's not a talker - particularly since you seem to be. But here's a question: is she always not talking? Or are there quiet, sweet times during the day or before bedtime when she opens up? Find those moments and savor them. What you focus on grows!

As she begins the next phase of her life, consider purchasing a little digital camera and scrapbook for her to document her journey. You might be surprised at not just her blossoming creativity; you may find a collaboration that allows her to express herself, in her own way. It will be a tremendous gift to discover how she sees the world.

And just one more tiny thought: worrying about how she'll handle all the changes may be a way of distracting yourself from your own sadness that your little girl is growing up. Be sure to take good care of you during this time of transition. Remember, it's healthy to allow yourself to feel your feelings (not just talk about them!).

Wishing you much love and blessings as the first day of school quickly approaches,