64 Seconds in Paris (Preview)

I`m not one of those parents who wrap their children up in cotton wool; I refuse to even pay for pyjamas. I do try my best to keep little Goliath away from television that he may find disturbing though, which normally involves avoiding programmes with Noel Edmonds.

Manchester United`s title winning celebrations at Eastlands caught me completely off-guard. The sight of a topless Rio Ferdinand should have set alarm bells ringing, but as he was next to a bare-chested Ronaldo; all I could think of was grabbing a can of Tango from the fridge.

Before I could reach the kitchen, the camera switched to widescreen to show Wayne Rooney with his hands gently caressing the bottom of his shirt. As Rooney`s intentions became clear, i lurched for the remote control in a desperate yet futile attempt to save Goliath from the grisly spectacle.

The wee man was left traumatised by the ensuing pictures, and he`s visited the sea-life centre on many occasions. Manchester United were in a similar state in `95 when the Hammers cost United the title; the Red Devils will finally take revenge at 3/5.

Jose Mourinho has rightly apologised for his over-the-top personal attack on Ronaldo. Judging a man as a result of his background is completely out of order; that`s the kind of thing a Frenchman would do. I`m surrendering to the 8/13 for a Chelsea win over Everton.

Reporting a crime to the filth has a certain stigma attached to it, like being seen in public with a Sweaty, but few would argue with Dabo`s decision to tuck up Joey Barton. Michael Ball`s stamp on Ronaldo would suggest that Barton has been a real influence on his team-mates; I`m putting my foot down, get on Spurs at 1/2 to see off Man City.

Charlton may have suffered the ignominy of relegation, but like Arnold Schwarzenegger, they`ll be back, probably harassing women. I`m getting my hands on the 2/5 for a Liverpool win over the Addicks.

I`m not one to point fingers, unless I see an overweight ginger-haired kid with glasses, but Freddie Shepherd should shoulder the blame for Newcastle`s awful season. A draw between the disappointing Watford and Newcastle will come as no surprise at 12/5.

Paris Hilton has found herself looking at a prison sentence, or to use the correct term; she`s gone for a Barton. (It`s heartbreaking when your favourite movie stars let themselves down.) That young lady needs to be scared straight; it would take me just over a minute. I`m currently getting stuck into the 11/10 for a Blackburn win over Reading.

Cesc Fabregas is a quality footballer, but I suspect that he may also lead a secret life as a superhero. Fabman`s noble quest is to mildly annoy tubby midfielders. An Arsenal win over Pompey is the call at an absolutely fabulous 6/4.

I have to take my hat off to Neil Warnock. The Sheffield United manager has only found himself in one touchline ruck this season; that`s a remarkable show of restraint from the combustible northerner. Sheffield United can put the nail in Wigan`s Premiership coffin at a placid 13/10.

Sammy Lee has always been a winner. The Bolton manager once played a starring role in Liverpool`s FA youth cup winning team; but he was 37 at the time. The wife is also a little person, but it doesn`t hold her back; I just put a chair by the sink. There`s nothing small about the 3/1 for an Aston Villa win over Bolton.

I`ll try anything once, except enter a pie-eating contest with Mark Viduka. I must have a go on Middlesbrough at 10/11 against Fulham.

Paris Hilton and I have a lot in common, we`re both reluctant to do a little bird. Aston Villa, Chelsea, Man Utd and Middlesbrough form a weekend accer that I am genuinely excited about; the payout is a salacious 18/1.

Weekend Betting:

Blackburn v ReadingSunday 13th May 15:00

Blackburn 11/10Draw 12/5Reading 13/5

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special:McCarthy to score two or more goals 13/2

Bolton v Aston VillaSunday 13th May 15:00

Bolton 10/11Draw 13/5Aston Villa 3/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:Carew to score the only goal of the game 55/1

Chelsea v EvertonSunday 13th May 15:00

Chelsea 8/13Draw 14/5Everton 6/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:John Terry to score with a header 9/1

Liverpool v CharltonSunday 13th May 15:00

Liverpool 2/5Draw 7/2Charlton 8/1

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:Liverpool to keep a clean sheet 10/11 Man Utd v West HamSunday 13th May 15:00 Live on Sky

Man Utd 3/5Draw 11/4West Ham 5/1

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:Rooney to score from outside the penalty area 5/1

Middlesbrough v FulhamSunday 13th May 15:00

Middlesbrough 10/11Draw 12/5Fulham 10/3

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:Viduka to score the first goal 11/2

Portsmouth v ArsenalSunday 13th May 15:00

Portsmouth 15/8Draw 5/2Arsenal 6/4

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:Fabregas to score at any time 13/2

Sheff Utd v WiganSunday 13th May 15:00 Live on Sky

Sheff Utd 13/10Draw 12/5Wigan 23/10

Get on: Sheff Utd

Match Special:Sheff Utd to score three or more goals 5/1

Tottenham v Man CitySunday 13th May 15:00

Tottenham 1/2Draw 16/5Man City 6/1

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:Berbatov to score a hat-trick 20/1

Watford v NewcastleSunday 13th May 15:00

Watford 9/5Draw 12/5Newcastle 7/4

Get on: Draw

Match Special:No goal scorer in the match 8/1

By Gerry McDonnell

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