Scary Swimsuits: Face-print one-piece by Jeremy Scott for Adidas

Scary swimsuits: Jeremy Scott for Adidas

(What? You don’t wear your swimsuit with thigh-high boots? Isn’t that how you’re SUPPOSED to wear them? You learn something every day…)

Well, at least you’re guaranteed some eyeballs on your boobs, huh? Sorry, we couldn’t resist. Seriously, though: who wants to look like their belly could bite? And on someone with a slightly shorter torso, that mouth would be… yeah.

We’ve never been keen on the “my breasts are watching you!” look, but we really think this particular one-piece deserves to be behind bars. If only there was a way to make that happen! Wait! What’s this?

Awesome! We’ll just throw this handy “Jail Jacket” over the top of it, like this model’s done with HER face-top (Which, you eagle-eyed officers will have noticed, is NOT the swimsuit pictured at the top of the page, but a different example of scary swimsuits in action. Or possibly just scary tank tops: we can’t tell, but it doesn’t matter because it’s already behind bars. Our work here is done.

Now, you might be thinking this looks a little bit ridiculous, especially given that it’s a jacket which serves no useful purpose whatsoever, other than those rare times when your arms are cold, but your body is too darn warm. Look at it this way, though: at least if you wear this, you’ll know it can’t possibly get much worse, no?

Oh. We stand corrected. And if you’re thinking this is “just” one of those stupid animal hats everyone was wearing a couple of years ago, think again: it’s a hooded vest:

For those “cold head, warm arms” kind of days.

Now we just want to know where Jeremy Scott lives, that has such crazy weather patterns. We also want to know why the Louisa Via Roma stylist neglected to put this model in the poodle sneakers from the same collection. Well, when you’ve come this far, what’s a pink poodle or two between fashion criminals?