Spoof news stories from Monday 24 September 2012

Following a much hyped probable negative reaction by Manchester United supporters against their Liverpool counterparts, over a tribute to the fallen 96 of Hillsborough, the media were left with nothing to report, as the Manchester United fan continge...

In a speech to a LGBT conference Nick Clegg admitted that he cooked socks while at university.
"We were quite surprised," said Tanya Hyde, a lesbian from Lincoln. "Clegg kept going on and on about his sock cooking habits while he was a student. Li...

Sometime during the first Tuesday in November, Americans will be taking to the streets and demanding an Apple I-Phone 6, which is way better than voting for the next US President. The sad reality for the American people is that either way, someone w...

Coming fresh off lockouts with the NBA and NFL, fans are enjoying a change as the NHL enters it's second lockout in 9 years. After two years of millionaire NFL and NBA players arguing with billionaire NFL and NBA team owners, fans are being refreshed...

Andrew Mitchell has "categorically denied" that he used foul and abusive language towards police officers who were guarding him.
He said:
"I did not use the comments that were attributed to me I didn't even talk to the officers in question. I...

The newly appointed leader of the British Plebs Independent Party (BLIP) has accused the government of using insulting language to attempt to undermine Blip's growth.
Joe Prole, Blip's charismatic top man, issued a stinging rebuke to Adrian Mitche...

London - Spatchcocked roast badger a l'Anglaise kicks off Nigella Lawson's daft cookery show tonight accompanied by char-grilled split beaver stuffing and a fiery jus.
The dish is among viewers' top requested roadkill classics as austerity bites...

BILLINGSGATE POST - In what can only be called a cleverly couched homoerotic overture, a courier for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad passed a sealed envelope to President Obama that contained a note stating, "If Barack Hussein Obama would show...

BBC weather girl Hilary Kirkworm, 22, has now been discharged from hospital but says she is unlikely to return to work for a few days. Miss Kirkworm needed hospital treatment on Saturday evening after receiving several arrow wounds when presenting a...

The Emmy's got a huge ratings boost right in the middle of the program when Sofia Vergara's already revealing dress ripped to expose even more luscious skin. The curvaceous star was already noteworthy wearing a perhaps too-form fitting green Zuhair M...

WAUKESHA, WI (ABSNN) - As if living in Wisconsin wasn't bad enough, Waukesha residents were "treated" to a 46-year-old man having intercourse with a couch, or to be exact, an abondoned love seat.
Jerrard T. Streetor, of 2387 Cold Stream Place, Wau...

Nick Clegg has responded angrily to an open letter today.
The tweeted link read:
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE, NICK CLEGG.
I know that you probably won't read this, but I will feel a whole lot better about things once I have said this......
You, Nick Clegg, are a man of no substance! A vacuous human being and a mere husk of a politician. A man who wishes simply to be important...

CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE AIRPORT, PA (ABSNN) - An unnamed Philadephia flight attendant was arrested for disorderly conduct after a handgun in her carry on luggage discharged during a search by the TSA. The weapon fired as the flight attendant showed h...

A ship steaming into the Humber estuary struck a football fan as he was trying to swim across the river on Saturday.
Todd Zarus (41), a life-long Hull City supporter, was aiming to watch the Tigers play against Scunthorpe United.
"I'd just mis...

Mitt Romney has made a last ditch effort to get his campaign for president back on track by promising that, should he be elected to office, he will conclude the Gulf War with a final, epic instalment.
The first Gulf War, Operation Desert Storm, wa...

Following the release of the iPhone 5, the eyes of the world have turned their gaze back towards Cupertino, California and asked, "Oi! Apple! What else you got?"
The rumour mill is abuzz with reports of the technology giant's intention to release...

Isle of Dogs - An Autumn Equinox cleansing ritual peculiar to the Zimbabwean city of Bulawayo is the latest craze to hit East London.
At 7.30pm local African time Barking residents are being asked to flush their bogs in a Mexican Wave reaction of...

The makers of 'Downton Abbey' are to recruit more titled performers in an attempt to stem falling viewing figures and a failure to win more than one of the Emmy awards it was nominated for. Dame Maggie Smith did win Best Supporting Actress but non ti...

There was uproar, mayhem and general chaos in government circles today when the chief whip accused some officials surrounding the leader's home of being "plebs".
Gaius Julius Caesar, leader of the Roman Empire and creator of the Julian calendar an...

The government are having a cut back on the size of car park spaces so that only smart cars will be able to fit in them.
MP Ted Slime states: "With the country in the state it's in we need to save money wherever we can , so we can save on the pain...

In a bid to increase its profile, national supermarket chain Asburyco are going to allow those suffering under the cut backs to have free food in a soup kitchen / food parcel kind of arrangement.
During daylight hours any participant can go to any...

Undecided voter Elmer Slocum, 109, of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire was surprised to learn today that his is the "one" vote the Romney camp has targeted to give Mitt the votes of all those not on welfare (50%) plus the winning one vote (Mr. Slocum) f...

HOLLYWOOD - Charlize Theron, star of such movies as Snow White and The Huntsman, Reindeer Games, and The Hideously Ugly Sea Monsters of The Mediterranean has admitted to being on Cloud 9.
The beautifully alluring actress told Fajita San Guacamole...

CHICAGO - The reputable marriage publication weekly It's A Rice Day has just named their annual 'Worst Wife of The Decade' recipient.
Publication editor Ursula P. Springswallow, 51, stated that after much consideration and deliberation the individ...

SAN FRANCISCO - The Black Eyed Peas recently performed to a standing room only crowd in The Ipso Facto Coliseum.
After the performance lead singer Stacy Ann Ferguson, better known as Fergie, met backstage with Margarita Mixx of The Tinsel Town Tim...

BEVERLY HILLS - Hollywood celebutante Paris Hilton was sitting in the Haven of Hair Saloon getting the back of her neck shaved by her hair stylist FuFi Fondue when she read an article in Left Coast Mirror Magazine.
The article written by Tequila T...

The recent discovery of a papyrus fragment suggesting that Jesus had a wife has caused a stir in academic and religious circles. While some might be pleased to learn about a more human side of the Messiah, others feel that the evidence is a forgery w...

Tippolomokeefenokee, Fla-Last week, Grace Marquart, a demure grandmother of eight living in the wilds of a Florida trailer home park, made some news of her own. She claimed a change of heart when it comes to hating Barack Obama and his liberal polici...

Rockville MD: Nikola Tesla working in his garage at night has invented an infinite power source, potentially making the USA energy independent. Mr. Tesla planned to patent the device and give all rights to his adopted country.
An application for a...