Blair Witch Project Spoof

The Blur Witch Project

Act One

Ext Housing Area
Joe : So sir, do you believe that the blur witch exists?
Man : EXISTS?? Of course she EXISTS… she STOLE MY DAMN
CHICKENS
Lady : But honey, we don’t have any chickens.
Man : That’s because that bastard witch stole them!

Ext Housing Area
Old Man wearing glasses in his hair

Vince : Excuse me sir… I was wondering if you believe in the blur witch?
Old man : Of course I do!
Vince: How come sir?
Old man : She stole my glasses!
Vince : Errm….
Old man : MY SPECIAL glasses too… the ones I use to remember where I
put things. Some one SHOULD STOP that damn witch.
*scratches head*

Ext Housing Area
Old lady at her gate.

Joe: Excuse me… have you heard of the blur witch?
Old lady: WATCH WHO U CALL OLD BITCH you little punk! I might be
deaf… but I’m not dumb
Joe: RUN VINCE RUN… SHE’S GOT A GUN!!

Vince : Are you sure you want to find the Blur Witch Joe?
Joe : Yes… we must help these poor people.
Vince : But what if we get eaten?
Joe : Don’t worry you have a natural charm against that.
Vince: Charm?
Joe : Yes.. you smell bad and probably taste worse.

Ext forest
Joe and Vince walk deeper into the forest.

Vince : We’re LOST. I told you we should have brought supplies. No
water. No food. We’re goners for sure!
Joe : Shut up… we’ve only been here for five minutes
Vince: I was just practicing. No need to get touchy.
Joe: I swear if the witch doesn’t kill you… I will!
Vince : LOOK!
Joe: See something??
Vince: ITS MOVING!
Joe: Oh my GOD!.... ITS JUMPING!
Vince : Its no bird!
Joe: Its no plane!
Vince : It’s the damn witch!
Joe : Faster than a speeding bullet! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe and Vince run away, with the monster in pursuit.

Ext Forest
Joe is running and suddenly trips and falls. The monster approaches Joe and looks at the camera Joe dropped. Vince stops running to help Joe.

Joe : Please don’t eat me like those harmless chickens. I swear I’ll never
tell the old man about his glasses.

The monster pulls his hair up and looks like ‘normal’ human, except very messy.

U Jinn : Sank you veli much arr…. I been lost heah for neahly a year.
Vince : THE WITCH SPEAKS ENGLISH!
Joe : And she’s not BLUR
U Jinn : Haiyah… I is not the blur weech la. I is U Jinn. Many days ago…
Vince : Is this story going to take long? I need to pee.
U Jinn : Shut up and listen la! Many months ago.. I is come here with two
good friends to find the blur witch.
Vince: Days or months ar?
U Jinn : Shuttup. I’m telling story lah. We reach a part of the forest. Then
POOF! My two friend disappeared! The forest suddenly changed. I
was lost ever since then. Then I find you two monkeys making so much noise.
Joe : Vince is the only monkey here.
U Jinn : Yea… true… you too big to be monkey. More like ape.
Joe: What the hell…
Vince : HAHA… You’re funny for a witch.
U Jinn: FIND THE WITCH WE MUST.

Joe kicks U Jinn in the groin.

U-Jinn: OUCH! WHY YOU KICK MY…
Joe : Damn yoda fan boys.

Act Three

Ext Forest

U-Jinn : Is near here lah. I gets losts.
Vince : I wish you would just get lost again. This place is creepy.
U-Jinn: Shattap. Ifs I get losts. You will be losts here too. Stupid!
Vince: I’m not stupid! Tell him Joe!
Joe: Yea. He’s just super dumb. Calling him stupid is insulting to stupid
people.
Vince: See! I told you! Hey… did you see something flash by.
U-Jinn : It was probably your tiny brain.
Morpheous: Too much noise you make! The price you will pay!
Joe: Argghh! Yoda again! I feel a blood vessel bursting!
Vince: Oh my God… who the hell is that?
U-Jinn: He must be with the Blur witch’s Becareful!
Morpheous: I am Morpheous. And your quest for the blur witch STOPS here!
Vince: Isn’t Morpheous a big black dude with some bad ass weapons?
Morpheous: Casting problem la. Low budget. Where to find a black guy?
Vince, U-Jinn, Joe : Cehhhh!
Morpheous: Take this!

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