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This Just In ....

The Bastard Daily News: Health Report

Atlanta, Ga. - (AP) Have you found yourself saying: "I don't need a man" or "I can do right by my damn self" too many times lately? Have you actually found yourself taping Oprah and watching too much Lifetime Television? Do you find your stock of AAA batteries running low? If the this describes you, you may want to put down vibrator (well maybe not just yet), and read on.

If you've dated one too many Bastards lately and you're thinking "To hell with the whole lot of them", if your numerous dating disasters have turned into anti-social behavior and you’re feeling bad, maybe you're really suffering from B.A.D. or Bastard Affective Disorder.

While as many as 1 in 4 daters suffers from the milder, "Bastard Blues" after a break-up or a round of bad dates, it has now been discovered that 10 percent of the Dating Population suffers from the more debilitating disorder known as known as Bastard Affective Disorder.

What is B.A.D.? If you guessed a Michael Jackson video or another season of Paradise Hotel, you'd be wrong. (Did Y'all know that Reality Central has blogs?) B.A.D.is actually a condition that can affect your mood when you have dated many bastards. The worst part about this disorder is that it can move from simply "Bastard Blues" to full blown B.A.D. in a relatively short time. One moment you're simply post-poning dates, the next you're unplugging the telephone.

According to the NBA (National Bastard Association), B.A.D. is not a new phenomenon; Researchers (and to a lesser degree Self-Help Gurus) have been chronicling Bastard Affective Disorder for many years. What has really excited researchers lately (and no, it's not the vibrators) are the newly discovered nutritional links to B.A.D..

A recent study printed in The Journal Of Bastardy points to an overdose of Vitamin B13 - Vitamin Bastard , and a lack of protein as contributing factors in individuals suffering from Bastard Affective Disorder. Currently researchers are also working on the theory that Bastard Affective Disorder is a seasonal disorder, as symptoms are usually at their worst during December and February - when the there are more gift-giving holidays.

B.A.D. Symptoms:

Losing interest in sex

A persistent "Beat It Buck -O" or anxious mood

Keeping up with Bastards becomes a chore

You withdraw from dating and avoid socializing

Lethargy - dating takes an effort

Lowered resistance to warding off No Good Bastards

Craving Ice-cream

B.A.D. Cures:

More protein (Don't act like you don't know what I mean!)

Drinking regularly

Going Out, especially to large parties

While it has not been confirmed by this paper - it is said that The Mad Dater is taking part in Clinical trials of a new drug that is said to cure this disorder. The Mad Dater could not be reached for comment at this time.