78,000 volunteer for Mars: Can we send Linsday Lohan?

Would LiLo make a good martian settler? (Photo via The Guise Archives/Wikimedia Commons)

Looking for a one-way ticket off the planet? So are at least 78,000 other souls.

That’s how many people applied over the past two weeks to become part of Earth’s first cattle-call attempt to colonize Mars. Dutch private space flight outfit Mars One wants to hear from more applicants who are “committed, creative, resilient and motivated,” says Mars One Chief Medical Officers Dr. Norbert Kraft. Colonization, by the way, will be part of history’s largest reality TV show, which the nonprofit hopes will help raise some of the $6 billion it needs to lift off and set up camp.

Mars One expects 500,000 or more to sign up by the end of August for what its CEO, Bas Landsorp, has called “the most desired job in history.” So far, people have applied from all walks of life (grocery store clerks to bona fide rocket scientists) from 120 countries, but mostly the United States, China and the United Kingdom.

You don’t need prior experience in engineering or astronomy to put your name in the running (though that might help, one hopes). As long as you’re at least 18, in good health and willing to live the rest of your life on a planet without running water or breathable air, with deadly radiation and insanely unstable surface temperatures that average out to about –58F, then, by all means, submit your application video.

Yeah, it’s staged for “Hunger Games” level reality TV, but living on the Red Planet won’t be a “Survivor” challenge on some tropical island where the biggest problem is a little interpersonal drama and some fitness-challenge-like obstacle course. Colonists will actually have to get their hands dirty. The daily routine involves construction work, like building greenhouses, researching the planet’s climate and geology and maintaining the settlement.

Anyway, Mars One says that by 2015, the massive group of applicants will get whittled down to about 40. Then, it’s up to the TV audience to vote on who gets to settle on martian soil. After eight years of training, the group will take off in 2022, assuming the project lasts that long.

This is a volunteer effort, but if we could nominate a few people, who would you send? How about …

Lindsay Lohan. The lady can’t abide by Spaceship Earth’s rules, so why not give her a chance to start over – clean slate, new set of laws, the whole deal – in what’s presumably a drug-free environment. Her judge would be thrilled, but so would her agent. As the biggest television event in history, wouldn’t the “Mars One” reality show make us all forget those painful-to-watch made-for-TV movies she dabbled in? Plus, it would be a way better comeback than, say, “The Surreal Life” or some such day-time reality spin-off.

The Duggars. These people have proven themselves expert at makin’ babies. Plus, they all seem so well-behaved and onboard with the whole teamwork thing – perfect for colonial settlements, right? Nineteen’s a great start, you guys, but there’s room for more of your ilk elsewhere.