“Do Not Attempt.” An Open Letter To ‘Allstate’

I am a man of few wants, so it is rare that a commercial makes an impression upon me. However, two months ago, I was watching television (‘Friends’ rerun, the one where Chandler was killed), when I saw one of your advertisements, featuring a man, dressed as a hot water heater, claiming he was ready to explode. Then, the man blasted off, through the basement ceiling, presumably through the next two levels of the home, before launching through the roof and landing on the lawn, singed but completely uninjured.

Excited, I immediately called my insurance agent and asked if they also provided this service. He only seemed confused and asked why I would want this.

I decided to make sure I was “in good hands” and call Allstate. However, your agent informed me that your company doesn’t offer this as a service either. I asked if it was a product you were advertising. He tried to explain his interpretation of your commercial, but it made absolutely no sense.

Still, I was inspired, so I decided to go about launching myself from my basement, through my roof and onto my yard on my own. I purchased a small hot water heater, which would serve as a costume. I then purchased a very small jetpack, which I figured must have been attached to your actor’s back.

I called a bunch of my friends and family to come over the next day for “the show of a lifetime.” That’s when my wife caught wind of what I was doing. She looked up your ad on YouTube and claimed that there was a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen that read “do not attempt.”

I told her that she probably misread it. That it probably read ‘do attempt,’ but she pulled up the advertisement, and sho’ nuff (that means ‘sure enough’) she was right. Angrily, I grabbed my wrenches and began the long process of separating myself from my hot water heater costume.

To say that I am upset with your company would be an understatement. I devoted the past two months of my life to this project, spending hundreds of dollars and reaching out to several guests, many of them bitter enemies, only to find that your advertisement encouraging the public to launch themselves through their own homes, featured a miniscule disclaimer ordering us to do the opposite.

I realize you’re likely reading this in fear, thinking to yourself, ‘my gosh, this man is going to sue us and has a compelling case. We’re going to be out a billion dollars.’

Don’t worry. I am not the litigious type.

I do, however, request that you make the following reforms to your commercials in the future.

– Rather than ‘do not attempt’ appearing very briefly at the bottom of the screen in tiny print over a compelling picture, have large, bold print that takes up the entire screen appear over a white background for 20 seconds.

– While this is airing, have a guy also saying ‘DO NOT ATTEMPT’ over and over. Have the guy screaming this at the top of his lungs, so people realize how serious you are.

– Add a “PLEASE” before the ‘do not attempt’ because when someone gives you an order, your natural inclination is to instantly do the opposite.

– Run a retraction, where the guy in the hot water heater is about to blast off, but instead, a bunch of guys run in and keep him from launching. Maybe make it look like a lot of them were killed doing this, so people realize how serious this is.

– Start a charity where you give homeless people the chance to launch themselves into the air.

2 thoughts on ““Do Not Attempt.” An Open Letter To ‘Allstate’”

I’m surprised that Allstate would propagate misleading information like that… you expect an insurance company to deal in hard facts and numbers. Just what is a hot water heate? If the water is hot, why do you need to heat it? Heating already hot water is a terrible waste of our natural resources. No wonder insurance premiums are at an all-time high.