‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Best frenemies forever

Caroline, Jacqueline and Rosie pay a visit to Kathy’s test kitchen and are like, “Yep! It’s a kitchen! So can we talk about Teresa now?” Rosie then reveals that she had a face-to-face meeting with Teresa and that aside from destroying the cartilage in her hand in an one-sided fight with a table, it went pretty well! As well as could be expected! In fact, Teresa wants to go on some sort of retreat with Folletto, and Rosie thinks it’d be a good idea if they all went. “All, who?” Caroline and Jacqueline ask tentatively. “All of us!” Rosie announces. But Caroline and Jacqueline? They have been there and they have done that and they are not doing that or going there again.

The next day, Teresa and famiglia don aprons (Except for Gabagool, who freaks out that the apron is “weird,” and storms out of the room. when Teresa explains to Meatball it’s just that Gabagol is having the puberty, Mortadella exclaims, “THAT MEANS SHE’S HAVING A BABY,” because she is the best/deserves her own spin-off.), and make 800 pounds of Italian sausage with Teresa’s parents. Hey! Mia famiglia, we get together and make Italian sausage, too! Not quite 800 pounds of Italian sausage, because mio dio, who needs 800 pounds of anything? Teresa spends a lot of time assuring her padre that she is going to work things out with Folletto, and her padre is like, “Great? I guess?”

To this end, she calls Folletto, who is at a driving range with Jeff Goldblum Jr. (who can not hit a golf ball to save his furry little life) and invites him to this retreat to do trust falls and scream at each other. Fun! Folletto agrees to discuss the idea with Melissa, but of course they’re going, come on, you think The Producers were going to allow the il Follettos to sit this one out? Jeff Goldblum Jr. asks what’s next, going “to Nepal to hang out with the Buddhists” — which makes a lot more sense than what I thought he said in the previews which was, “are we going to hang out with Brutus?” Although that makes a certain sense, too, I guess, maybe.

When she gets off the phone, Teresa explains to Meatball that they are going to this retreat with Folletto where they will do trust exercises. To demonstrate, she urges Meatball to fall backwards towards her; she’ll catch him. Meatball, understanding that he’s a dense little ball of meat, and having once before explored the marble floor with his face, sensibly declines the offer. “WE GOTS RELATIONSHIP ISSUES,” Teresa hollers after her husband as he leaves the kitchen, thereby uttering the most true thing she has ever said in her life.

Melissa meets some friends, Maria and Jan, for lunch where she’s like, “Hey guess what I’m famous and I have a book deal to write about how fabulous and sexxxxxy my marriage is because people are always asking me why my husband loves me so much what is up with you guys I don’t actually care ok byeeeee!”

Meanwhile, Kathy and Jacqueline go shopping at a teeny little boutique, which is when Teresa decides to call her cousin and invite her to the retreat. Kathy, however, makes a tactical error and takes the call on speaker. So when Teresa explains that if Rosie wants to extend the invitation to Caroline and Jacqueline, that’s cool, whatever, but that she won’t be doing so because she still blames Jacqueline for the trouble with her relationship with Folletto, Jac hears the whole thing and LOSES. HER. COOL. Jac grabs Kathy’s phone and informs Teresa that she needs to stop blaming her for her famiglia’s problems, which, fair enough, but then something breaks in Jacqueline’s head and the rest is reduced to incoherent shrieking while the other patrons at the boutique gape in a combination of shock and embarrassment. Kathy is mortified.

Sometime later, Teresa has drinks with Kim D, that Jennifer person with the broken face who is a real estate agent and pointed out il Folletto’s hoopty bathroom, some other woman and Jan, as in Melissa’s amica Jan, as in one of the women Melissa was having lunch with earlier in the episode Jan, as in was in Melissa and Folletto’s wedding Jan. Which, wait, what? Jan explains that she’s no longer amici with Melissa, despite having lunch with her that same week (or so The Producers would have us believe). At the slightest prompting by Kim D, Jan announces to the table that Melissa cheated on Folletto with one of her ex-boyfriends; that, specifically lei gli diede un pompino. And everyone gasps and swoons and clutches their pearls and Teresa says nothing.

There is a horrifying sequence in which il Follettos and the Goldblum Jrs go to a strip-tease class together, and Jeff Goldblum Jr. reveals that ever since he heard that Melissa had been a stripper he has been fantasizing about her and NO. NO MORE TALKING. NO. NO.

Meanwhile, Caroline and her husband go out to dinner where he rolls his eyes at having to spend the night at the Hoboken apartment and points out that her idea of a “getaway” is being 10 blocks from her sons with a room for Lauren.

But seriously though.

There is also some talk about Albert working too hard and dying and Caroline dying and trophy wivezzzzzzzzzzz…

The next morning, il Follettos have Rosie and the Goldblum Jrs and the Lauritas over for mimosas and a chat about the retreat which Rosie describes as being in a castle on Lake George in the “Airy-don-dyke” mountains. Never change, Rosie. Melissa, upon hearing that there is a castle involved, warms to the idea, but Jacqueline is still not having any part of it because she is not a glutton for stupid.

SO. THEN. LATER. That Jennifer person with the broken face meets Melissa for lunch because she is a real estate agent and despite il Folletto’s house having that hoopty bathroom, she wants to be their listing agent because moneez. To win Melissa’s trust (and hopefully her listing), that Jennifer person with the broken face is all, “OOH, HONEY, I went out for drinks with Teresa and Kim D and some other person and your amica Jan who told all of us that you have been cheating on Folletto.” Melissa can not process the fact that her amica Jan would do such a thing, and insists that this has to be Teresa’s fault, somehow. That Jennifer person informs a disbelieving Melissa that Teresa merely listened and didn’t participate, that Kim D is the real troublemaker and that Kim D clearly has it out for Melissa. OH? YOU THINK?

That evening, il Follettos go out with the Lauritas and the Goldblum Jrs, and tell them about this latest outrage, squarely placing the blame on Teresa’s shoulders. Once again, Teresa is present when someone Kim D knows has something salacious to say about Melissa. Q.E.D.: it’s Teresa’s fault.

And that’s when Kim D walks in to the restaurant, obviously.

Jeff Goldblum Jr. invites Kim D to come talk to them and she accepts for some reason. Melissa explains she knows what her best amica Jan supposedly said about her and that Kim D and Teresa were clearly talking merda about her again. Kim D informs her that it might be hard to hear, but Jan doesn’t like her, and that’s not Kim D’s fault. While Melissa explains that she doesn’t think it’s a coincidence that these revelations about her keep happening around Teresa and Kim D, Jacqueline comes undone, and begins throwing napkins at Kim D and acting like a attention-starved 4-year-old. Kathy decides that her behavior suggests that Jac needs to attend the retreat with them, but I think she could use the Teresa-free weekend to maybe have a nice lie-down in a dark room with a cool washcloth over her eyes.

But back to Kim D: Melissa and Kathy point out to Kim D that she doesn’t have to participate in malicious gossip about Melissa; that maybe the next time someone comes to her with news that Melissa committed voter fraud or jaywalked, how about she NOT call Teresa and run to the nearest camera crew? Kim D agrees to consider this option, and as il Follettos slap their tongues all over each other’s faces (ugh, stop it, no) to prove that they are “unbreakable” as a couple, Kim D stomps off to plan her next Melissa scandal.

Finally, That Jennifer Person with the Broken Face takes Teresa out to lunch, and is like, “Gurl, I told your sister-in-law that you and Kim D and Jan were talking about her having an affair because I want to sell her house. Sorry not sorry!” Teresa tries to wrap her tiny threehead around this “betrayal” — even though THE ENTIRE THING WAS FILMED SO MELISSA WAS GOING TO FIND OUT ANYWAY — and fails, because so, so stupid.

And I was going to add a whole paragraph, maybe two, about how this whole Melissa situation is clearly Kim D’s sooper jenius plan (for more screentime? because she hates Melissa for some unspecified reason? both?), and that Teresa is not really to blame here (although she could have done more, perhaps, to tell people to quit MALIGNING HER SORELLA-IN-LAW ON CAMERA), but you know what? I’m not going to. I’m not going to! If Teresa were really interested in making nicetime with Folletto and Melissa, she would have laid the blame for the stripper scandal squarely at Kim D’s feet where it belonged and cut her out of her life instead of Jacqueline. But, instead, she clung ever tighter to that monster Kim D and then had the gall — the sheer, unabashed gall — to act surprised when KIM D PULLED THE SAME TRICK A SECOND TIME. AND NOW I AM YELLING BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID AND FRUSTRATING AND STUPID. PORCA MISERIA!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 7 p.m. on Bravo.