Enough About Me. What Do YOU Think About Me?

My 10-year-old was invited to a party this weekend, a camp reunion sleepover given by one of her closest friends. Unfortunately, this same weekend, she has an event that she can’t and doesn’t want to miss—a competition for which she has trained diligently and for many months. But the other little girl is very angry with my daughter and has accused her of being a bad friend and bad person because she won’t give up her event in order to attend the party. She wanted to know why my daughter was doing this to her, and purposely spoiling her event.

This reaction may be age appropriate for 10-year-olds, but too many “grown-ups” behave in a similar fashion—which is definitively not age appropriate.

I was recently at a party with a friend. Knowing that I had to get up early for something important the next day, I left the gathering before midnight. My friend, a woman in her 40s, was furious that I would do that to her. She was having a good time, had met a man she was interested in, and didn’t want to stay there on her own. She felt that my leaving was unkind, and that I should have stayed longer to support her.

At another time, some years ago, after sitting for a full day with an ill friend, I decided to go for a drive to spend some time with myself, which I desperately needed. To this day, that friend tells me that I left her in her time of need, and wasn’t willing to stay with her unconditionally. The fact that I also needed some self-care was and still is experienced as an abandonment and even an aggression against her. The 10 hours spent with her that day, as far as her internal world is concerned, never existed.

Me, Me, and What About Me?

It is very difficult for some people to see anything as happening separate from and not in relation to them. People who suffer with this view of the world experience everything as a reflection and commentary on who they are—an abandonment or affirmation of themselves. Whatever you do, even things that have nothing whatsoever to do with these people, are still somehow either for or against them. Such people simply can’t see anything as not being tethered to them. Sometimes it can be baffling to figure out how your action could possibly have been related to them, for or against, but through this kind of lens, everything you do is indeed about them, even when it makes absolutely no logical sense.

This form of narcissism is in fact quite prevalent in our culture, and very challenging to know how to handle in close relationships.

Weathering the Storm

A painful aspect of being in a relationship with this kind of person: Since nothing can be about you and your life, you end up feeling not seen and not known—invisibilized—except as an object they use to make themselves feel better or worse. The experience is of not really existing at all—you are continually invalidated, not permitted to express yourself as a separate being who might actually have her own experience. Why you might make a particular choice, for yourself, is viewed not only as untrue and absurd, but yet another aggression—against them—that you could dare to think that you have your own internal world, and separate life. Imagine! How could your choices possibly be about you and not them?

It is nearly impossible to feel truly cared by a partner, friend, or relative when that other person is not interested in knowing you in any way other than how you make them feel—about themselves. You might feel liked when your behavior is interpreted as favorable to their self-worth, but this is not the same as feeling genuine friendship or love. In a relationship with this kind of narcissism, it can feel like your life and very self are kidnapped—dis-allowed by the other. In truth, your very existence separate from them is the ultimate betrayal, and what they seek to obliterate. Related to as an object that needs to be either controlled or obliterated, love is a difficult and unlikely endeavor. As a result, such relationships are fraught with profound loneliness, grief and eventually, raging frustration as you fight desperately to be visible and known for who you genuinely are.

Some time ago, I gave a memorial for a close family member. As I was shopping for cookies for the gathering, I reached for the vanillas because my kids enjoy them. Immediately, my mind shot back with the thought that I was choosing vanilla to punish this relative, the one who had died, since she would have chosen chocolate. I waved hello to my old thought tape and bought the vanillas.

Being Yourself, Finally

Perhaps the most dangerous aspect of a relationship with this kind of narcissist is that you come to experience your own life as actually being about the other. You lose touch with your own intentions, as if their narcissistic lens, pointed at you, gradually corrupts even your knowing your own truth, and simultaneously, steals the dignity that comes with that knowing. You not only start changing your behavior, morphing yourself into a deformed system, refraining from doing things that (while not about them) they will experience as about them, but also, you stop believing in your own experience and intention. The fact that your actions are for and about you, not them, stops being completely clear.

You begin to doubt what is really true for you, as you are no longer quite connected to your own truth. In this way, their narcissism acts as a toxin to your connection to self. You may defend that what you are doing is about you and not them, but some part of you stops believing this fully, and the strength behind this knowing is lost. While you may go on fighting to be seen accurately and truthfully, the other has taken away your ability to own and believe this accurate and truthful version of yourself. Your truth (being true) comes to depend on their believing it—being able to prove it to them. Even the struggle for you, they eventually own.

Most important in this sort of relationship is to stay in touch with your own intentions. Rather than defending yourself, proving your own truth—as if you should ever have to—be that separate entity that they refuse to acknowledge. A simple, “I am sorry that you are experiencing what is about me to be about you”, can suffice. Chances are you are not going to get this other person to see you clearly, without an umbilical cord between the two of you. Let the attempt to be seen accurately go, if at all possible. The more you try to be known, the more you threaten your own connection to self.

We all have the right to be the keepers of our truth and no one has the right to determine or corrupt our intentions, to turn our being into an extension of them. With each moment that you are misunderstood and your truth distorted, spend two moments confirming and marinating in what is for you, your actual truth, uncorrupted.

And think carefully as well about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to or have the capacity to genuinely know you, as a being unto yourself. Ask yourself if this kind of relationship strengthens your sense of dignity and self-worth, encourages your authentic nature, makes you feel known, understood, loved, or just plain good about yourself. If the answer is no, then what is the best choice for YOU, the choice that is in line with your well-being? Sometimes the only way to honor your separateness is to make the choice to separate.

Imagine growing up as the scapegoat in a family headed by a vicious narcissistic mother with equally narcissistic siblings serving as her acolytes. And Dad? He escaped into his job to avoid the reality of his horrible marriage.

I gave and gave to these user-and-taker family members over the decades, but nothing was ever good enough for them and certainly never appreciated. Scapegoats often live in denial about it all because the whole concept of family is sacrosanct and we are brainwashed by enabling relatives to be loyal to the only "family" we have. (And please keep in mind that these sick family dynamics occurred before the internet took off. I stress this because the internet helped change my life and the lives of so many others for the better due to access to websites with excellent articles like this, along with forums to communicate with - in my case - other child-abuse survivors.)

Finally I woke up and felt a tremendous burden lifted after going "no contact" with these absolute cretins.

My big regret now is that I did not give and give over the decades to kind people who truly deserved my help, attention and love.

Thank you, Nancy, your astute, sensitive article on a subject that has caused severe emotional pain for so many "givers."

I was in similar situation myself; but it was my dad - in charge, and my mom was busy working.. I also lived in denial, with no one to tell me that that was actually wrong. I wish that this subject of narcissistic parents (and relationships) was debated more often... So big thank you for this article.

My experience of family and now with the man that I live with, I am in so much emotional pain with it all that I'm experiencing the awful pain of my childhood, at least with training to become a counsellor I understand it all. To the above, I agree with what you have written, we have similar backgrounds, at least we can move on from it perhaps, in my case, when I leave this person who has invalidated me in so many ways like I don't exist.

Your article breaks down very clearly what its like trying to have a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits or full-blown narcissistic pd; it can be an enjoyable relationship ONLY if you are always doing whatever it is the narcissist wants you to do. But if you have needs or feelings of your own that differ, that you put first once in a while, a narcissistic friend is likely to blow up or melt down on you.

Bottom line: a relationship with a narcissist is a one-way street in which all the traffic: the attention, the validation, the giving, only flows towards the narcissist.

And those who have the misfortune to be born to/raised by a narcissistic mother or narcissistic couple, well... those children are pretty much screwed.

The most likely fate for the child raised by narcissists is to be swallowed whole at birth and never develop an individual identity; some do rebel and break away, but tend to become narcissists themselves. I was swallowed whole for the first decades of my life, but now that my parents have passed away, I think I finally have the chance to become who I was meant to be.

Indeed, "You begin to doubt what is really true for you, as you are no longer quite connected to your own truth." This hits the nail on the head!

The narcissist's destruction of the sense of self of their personal slaves has the potential for a wide variety of long-term and wide-ranging disastrous effects on the personality and life of those unfortunates.

Among others, it can so easily lead to a fundamental lack of appropriate self-confidence throughout all areas of one's life - socializing, working, learning, and so on. One can never of oneself be sure of anything, and others sense this and take advantage of it and the narcissist's victim.

Thanks for this -- it provided understanding as to why I constantly second-guess myself. Being raised by a narcissistic parent (and very possibly Borderline) it was a daily struggle just to avoid the rage due to some perceived slight or wrong-doing. I was not allowed to have my own feelings or opinions at all. My parent only stopped trying to bully me into marrying her choice of a mate because a friend pointed out that if it didn't work out, I might blame her (of course .. only concerned with how it might reflect on her). Others do sense this and take advantage. This awareness will help me to turn that around.

I can connect to this in many ways had quite a few 'exactly!!!' moments. I am keen to see this issue as something that can be dealt with like many other issues. The only suggestion the article makes is to communicate something like this - “I am sorry that you are experiencing what is about me to be about you”.

Could you (and the readers) please share some ideas on how to deal with such a situation constructively so as to make the other person realize? I would highly appreciate it. I am definitely not expecting one solution to fix it all.

I don't think the answer is getting the other person to realize...you may as well hit your head against a brick wall in this case of dealing with a narcissist. The key is working on yourself, I would highly recommend reading Byron Katie's books or checking out her website (theres a store on the site) www.thework.com I have only just finished reading her book Who Would you Be Without Your Story it was brilliant! I have read that her book Love What Is explains her concept a lot more...(who would you be without your story is a compilation of some of her talks with clients at seminars...fascinating, thought provoking read)I am definitely going to be doing the work and reading more of her books and watching some youtube vids and dvd's. I wish you luck with your journey!

I have tried and tried, begged, pleaded, cried, shouted, screamed, lived in anger, in order to make my partner see me, see how much I was hurting by his behaviour towards me. I realized that our life was all about him, he ignored my feelings, he made sure that what he wanted he got but I didn't. He said he doesn't know what I'm talking about, he cannot see it. He silences my voice, he has betrayed and broken my trust, destroyed my love, and I'm invisible. He will speak of others, nothing that we have built up means anything. He will not reply to my texts or what I ask to his face. My life means nothing to him yet I am still here, why? because he cannot face life on his own, he does not want to be lonely. I am leaving, because in reply to your question to make the other person realize, I am afraid to tell you that the other person will never realize what it means to you. The only thing that you can do is to realize it for yourself, to save yourself in all of this madness, because it is madness and it will drive you towards insanity, which they will stand back and watch because it's fun for them and that's where they get their sense of who they are through their abuse of power, control and oneupmanship over you. I have reached the point of knowing that I have been slowly dying inside, my dreams in tatters, my future plans never were going to happen with this man, he took everything from me even my children's childhoods and destroyed them too because he was jealous and envious. I would say start planning to leave, if not, then make sure that you do what you want, that you are in control of your finances, your emotional needs, your wants, your dreams, the only person that will fulfill them will be you, much love, luck and happiness,x

I hope you get through this.. I am finally realizing that the man I am with is extreme narcissist after 15 yrs and i never had the courage to leave him . i tried but he never let me go and there were so many signs but i cudnt 'see' them at all.. wat you wrote sent a chill down my spine.. he is in control of my finances right now.. (which am planning to get back) .. i have tried and tried and tried too and now .. now I know why it never worked..
he is jealous of my success .. at least i have been able to pursue what i want for myself. i am trying my best to detach my emotions with him. beginning to now. right now I am far away from him and will be going back to him (married to him.. damn!) .. in a week now and I am very scared. just realising it now how bad its gotten and how blind i was.. I hope God will give you the strength to break free from this evil man and hoping the same for me.. :( ..

I come from a family riddled with narcissists. Frankly, I believe there is a genetic component just like there is with most things, so in my own family, one parent was a major narcissist and borderline, and out of three children, one of my siblings. Then there are some uncles, an aunt and some cousins.

What I learned while still a young adults was the only thing that works in dealing with this personality is to make it clear(non-verbally, and verbally when necessary)is take back your power and own it. Never give it away. Rationally, calmly, even kindly when possible, make it clear that you have boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed, you will walk away and not look back. You have to mean it, and sometimes you will have to implement it for at least a time. With some people it will end up forever or for most of your life, because you will learn that no matter how many chances you give them, they will always behave the exact say way again. They can't help themselves, and therefore, it is unfair to you and them to expect them to do what they are incapable of doing.

Some of those people, though, will have enough control to respect your boundaries even when they don't want to, because you hold the power. Knowing you do not need them, but they want or need you, is what keeps them in check.

It's important to understand, though, that regardless which of those two personalities someone you care about possesses, both must have a need for you or they will let you walk away without hesitation. Narcissists will get what they need from whomever makes it easier for them, stroking them, feeding their insecurities with our approval and yessing to all they say and think, and give them what they want when they want it. If they feel a need for you personally, for something they can't get elsewhere, they will respect your boundaries if they are at all capable of it. That's why you must be willing to take control, to have the power in the relationship, and be willing to walk away from them without looking back to give them any satisfaction. If you aren't willing to risk the loss, or they don't believe you, it won't work.

In my own family, I am kind to the parent but the relationship is entirely on my terms. The sibling finally went too far and she lost me. Aunt/uncles/cousins, I rarely see and when I do (like if there is a death in the family), I am polite and pleasant like I would be at a business function. What I do talk about, I am honest and direct without apology. That makes them a little afraid of me, because narcissists don't want a person to say anything that will make them feel bad or uncomfortable, yet everything they hear is all about them, so a loose cannon in the group is a person they tend to tread carefully around during such gatherings. When I leave, they still know little about me and have nothing to chew on for the family gossip mill. Basically, they are sort of scared of me.

Sure, it isn't Ozzie and Harriet family time, but hey, it feels far better to be the one in control and accept loss than it is to the narcissist/s' whipping post. Such personalities don't give others much choice.

i understand what you and the original post says and i relate to what has being said(also i wonder is that a right way to see the problem?). but i've being to both ends of the rope. receiving part of narcissistic behavior and initiating such behavior in other relationship myself(i guess you were right about genetics). now your posts(including original) suggest solution to receiving-end person, it doesnt suggest any for giving-end. it even concludes that there is nothing that can be said or explained to such person for him to understand and improve his behavior. i still want to know what is the solution because i know how frustrating it can be on receiving end.

I come from a family riddled with narcissists. Frankly, I believe there is a genetic component just like there is with most things. In my own family, one parent was a major narcissist and a borderline, and one of my siblings is both, too. Then there are also some uncles, an aunt, and some cousins, all of whom have long-standing, seething, backbiting, stressful relationships with each other.

What I learned while still a young adult was the only thing that works in dealing with this personality is to make it clear (non-verbally, and verbally when necessary) that you are taking back your power and then own it. Never give it away. That was especially important once I had my own family and I did not want them and my life burdened with the dark shadow of my irrational relatives.

Rationally, calmly, even kindly when possible, make it clear that you have boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed, you will walk away and not look back. You have to mean it, and sometimes you will have to implement it for at least a time. With some people it will end up forever or for most of your life, because you will learn that no matter how many chances you give them, they will always behave the exact same way again. They can't help themselves, and therefore, it is unfair to you and them to expect them to do what they are incapable of doing.

Some of those people, though, will have enough control to respect your boundaries even when they don't want to, because you hold the power. Knowing you do not need them, but they want or need you, is what keeps them in check.

It's important to understand, though, that regardless which of those two personalities someone you care about possesses, both must have a need for you or they will let you walk away without hesitation. Narcissists will get what they need from whomever makes it easier for them, stroking them, feeding their insecurities with our approval and yessing to all they say and think, giving them what they want when they want it. If they feel a need for you personally, for something they can't get elsewhere, they will respect your boundaries if they are at all capable of it. You must be willing, though, to take control, to have the power in the relationship, and be willing to walk away from them without looking back to give them any satisfaction. If you aren't willing to risk the loss, or they don't believe you, it won't work.

In my own family, I am kind to the parent but the relationship is entirely on my terms. The sibling finally went too far and she lost me. Aunt/uncles/cousins, I rarely see and when I do (like if there is a death in the family), I am polite and pleasant like I would be at a business function. What I do talk about, I am honest and direct without apology. That makes them a little afraid of me, because narcissists don't want a person to say anything that will make them feel bad or uncomfortable, yet everything they hear is all about them, so a loose cannon in the group is a person they tend to tread carefully around during such gatherings. When I leave, they still know little about me and have nothing to chew on for the family gossip mill. I'm gone again. Poof!

The result of knowing I was entirely willing and capable of walking away from my own relatives was they could no longer hurt me, and once they could no longer hurt me, I could afford to show them a kindness when I felt like it. I can be kind to my mother now because I am in control of our relationship and she can't hurt me. I can be civil to my sibling when I must see her because she, too, cannot hurt me.

Sure, it isn't Ozzie and Harriet family time, but hey, it feels far better to be the one in control and accept loss than it is to be the narcissist/s' whipping post. Such personalities don't give others much choice. Not if we want to preserve our own sense-of-self, dignity, sanity, and pleasant family lives.

Thank you for this.. i was crying when I read this.. am at least hopeful (not the right word I guess) that I am not alone. For me it's been a recent realization that my partner is a narcissist .. an extreme one. Am planning to undo this. so far looks like separation is the only solution out. :(

What I learned, the hard way after a broken heart a couple of times (first with a sibling and then a longtime friend) is if one never falls into the trap you describe, but instead stays true to self, one won't have a choice about the relationship. The narcissist will eventually turn on a friend or relative who stays true to his/herself and will end the relationship in a blaze of screeching, sobbing, accusatory glory. It's inevitable because tip-toeing around a narcissist's sensibilities is never enough. Eventually, continually upping the ante, the narcissist wants all or nothing.

The only way to regain such a relationship is to swallow any sense of self-respect, cop to the untrue accusations, give up any expectation of being treated like a full-human in the relationship, and give the narcissist what he/she wants. Apologize and never say or do anything again the narcissist doesn't want you to say or do. It isn't likely a person who withstood that pressure for a long time before the narcissist finally blows will be foolish enough to do that, hence, the end of the relationship.

I worked extremely close, alongside a case-study similar to the one mentioned in this article. But seeing as I can give as good as I get, I played and beat him at his own game. Last I heard, he spent months upon months bad-trashing me all over in the interweb. Well, misery loves company Mr Antonio Sorrentino. It also loves karma ;).

Seems amazing. They also have actually completed their work on this method and made layout a priority. It does not take very first time that I could actually notice me personally using Glass windows once again. Google android, on the other-hand is a clusterf*ck associated with crap.