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Annihilation

If I’m always chasing matter that does not exist, and I am amplifying my effort to grab onto stimulation, then what is the inevitable conclusion? With luck, only a lifetime of disappointment. Without luck, a loss of my freedom or my life. I maintain that psychopaths have the ability to control their own actions and to know right from wrong. Whether we choose to rein in our behavior is another story. We may speed along looking for the next thrill, but eventually we may very well slam into that brick wall at full speed.

A common refrain among those that know me is that they are perplexed how I am alive or not in jail. The actions I’ve committed in the past certainly seem to paint a picture in which both freedom and life are minor miracles at this point. To me, it all seems so blasé. Another day in which I act recklessly and am able to ponder in my own bed at night my actions for the day? Yawn. Every other day has been like that, why wouldn’t this one be any different? However, I am also convinced of others’ perceptions at this point. It is a minor miracle that I am alive and free. I suspect that I am not the only psychopath with this seemingly eternal luck.

It seems like our recklessness and disregard for our safety as well as that of others has much more of a chance of ending our existence (as we know it) than anything else. I remember times when I was so depressed due to genetic mental illness that I would lie in bed with my sleeping pills next to me – not to fall asleep, but as an escape route if the existential pain became too much. When I was in my deepest depression, I was unable to do anything but survive – my psychopathic bent seemed to lie dormant during those difficult years. It is ironic, at this point, that I have moved on to a state where it is still likely that my life will meet its end by my own hands. However, such an end would not be intentional. I’ve saved myself from annihilation from one form of suicide only to face another threat with another face. I do include incarceration as a form of annihilation. It is interesting how life ripples in that fashion. From destructive, to debilitated, back to destructive. The cycle will only end with complete maturation, a goal most of us, myself included, can only approximate.

Part of the maturation process for the psychopath is to realize that such behaviors are detrimental for everyone involved. It is of no benefit to end up in jail or to end up six feet under. Even if we tend to hold others in little emotional regard, their suffering very well can lead to our suffering as well. It is extremely difficult to stave off annihilation by our own recklessness when the only reward is being able to lie down at night and set an alarm to face another day of restraint.