Today, I was doing my thing in my favourite coffee spot. I ordered a cup of coffee with my lunch and the cup they gave me had the following inscribed on it: “World’s Greatest Grandpa.” On some level this seemed funny to me; a joke about how old I am and I decided to make a comment about it.

Feigning the deadpan seriousness of a good gag, I asked the server when I went for a refill, “Do you know something I don’t?” She seemed confused by my remark, as she did not realize right away I was pointing at the mug and was acting as if the inscription referred to me. When she noticed I was gesturing at the mug she got the joke and laughed. My followup was “For this to be true, at least two things must have happened; and as far as I know neither has.” The others behind the counter heard that and seemed at least a bit amused by this bit of observational gimmick. Just to flesh that out: I would have to have fathered at least one child and that child has to have at least one child.

Officially, as the rest of the world knows, I’ve never been married and I have never fathered a child. But as a few people have known for some time, I do have offspring out there even though I never had sexual intercourse with these children‘s birth mothers. Yes, it’s bizarre, and I certainly am unable to explain it at all. As far as I know, none of those offspring have had children, so I cannot be a grandfather, either.

However, if there is some way I actually am a grandfather, I would have to be the World’s Worst Grandfather.