Like a persistent fungal foot infection, like Jesus Christ, like an American shop assistant who keeps popping up behind you and calling you "Sir" in a way that's somehow incredibly insulting, Cristiano Ronaldo just won't go away. In this morning's Sun he's back again, letting us know that actually he's worth much more than £80m, that £80m is in fact an insultingly low price, and that he's really quite upset about it all. "I'm less selfish than I used to be," he says, before talking entirely about himself, his wonderful selflessness and his utter lack of self-absorption for quite a long time.

Elsewhere Big "Sam" Allardyce — breath freshly pepperminted, eyebrows gelled — is all set to cut in on Sunderland's sweaty-palmed slow dance with Darren Bent. In his pockets Big Sam has a half-bottle of Drambuie, ten Silk Cut, the keys to a borrowed Vauxhall Astra and £13m in crumpled fivers. 'Arry Redknapp is "plotting a £3m bid for Sheffield United whizzkid Kyle Walker", who likes prancing about in tiny gold hotpants and used to be in Neighbours. And Roy Hodgson is putting on his best pencil-slim suit, packing his chiv, drinking a final cappuccino, firing up his Vespa and heading down to Brighton, in order to (a) find some other people who also appear to be stuck in the cockney underworld of the 1960s; and (b) lure Swedish striker Marcus Berg from under the noses of Hamburg, home of the hot dog.

Sunderland want to pay £2.5m for pointless awol Boro ace Mido, who will score one goal in his first match, celebrate like he's won the World Cup single-handedly, then get fat, sit on the bench, disappear and end up moving back to Boro for £2.5m.

In the Daily Mirror Arsenal are about to sign St Etienne midfielder Blaise Matuidi for £2.5m with Udinese's Gokhan Inler also on the cards. The Daily Star has had a good idea: Barcelona are all set to "sanction" Samuel Eto'o's career-suicide move to the Manchester City waxwork museum, so they can use the £25m cash to help buy Cesc Fábregas. "We are confident we can land someone that we want and everybody knows what players we are after," says a minor Barcelona suit, cleverly not mentioning Eto'o, Fábregas, £25m or anything else in the Star's story, but presumably conveying a sense of them through a complicated mime.

Chelsea have offered an extra-strength garden bin liner containing Deco and Ricardo Carvalho to Internazionale in return for £12m. They may try to nab rampaging, Hulk-like Brazil right-back Maicon — who will play three games in the Premier League and suddenly appear strangely weedy and ineffectual and maybe even worse than Jose Bosingwa — in return.

The Daily Mail has Arsenal "tracking" Newcastle defender Sébastien Bassong, presumably as part of a Duke of Edinburgh award adventure holiday. The extended pursuit of incredibly laid-back and relaxed Fiorentina midfielder Felipe Melo has been gazumped by Juventus. Lardy, bespectacled tycoon Alisher Usmanov has failed to persuade the rest of the board to raise some cash by selling off the family silver and splurging it all on some inevitably disappointing footballers. Agonising medieval torture implement Lee Cattermole could be off to Sunderland for £5m. And Chelsea have made a "shock bid" worth £8m for Middlesbrough winger Adam Johnson, who looks quite good playing for England Under-21s, but is in fact spindly and frustrating.

In the Times Sunderland are back in for likeable string-bean journeyman Peter Crouch. Portsmouth are hoping to "force an auction" for the powder-puff poacher, with Fulham and Blackburn also frantically scratching their noses, raising their hats and subtly waggling their brochures. Steve Bruce is also keen on paying Richard Dunne money to occasionally fall over next season.

Aston Villa are "monitoring" Stewart Downing, perhaps using a machine that goes "ping". And Ludovic Obraniak — the Lille midfielder who also has his own nerdy science programme on Sky, which he co-hosts alongside that geek from Big Brother — might be off to West Ham.

According to Goal.com Barcelona have turned their attentions to the Corinthians left-back Andre Santos, Liverpool could be in for Inter's bald, squat Argie clogger "Gloria" Esteban Cambiasso and Bologna are said to have bought 50% of Brescia keeper Emiliano Viviano. The other 50% will presumably wash up at Arsenal fairly soon, chuck in a couple in the Carling Cup and then just sit about on the bench looking marginally worse than Manuel Almunia.