Just thought I’d pop my head round the door again to give you a brief update on where I’ve been since I was last here just over a year ago!

Some may remember, I was caught up in an abusive relationship – mainly mentally/emotionally, and now I’m slowly admitting that it occasionally got kind of physical too (no hitting, but getting dragged about, pushed, pulled about etc and lots of arm/leg/chest bruises). I tried to leave on several occasions, once he fetched me back again (as we had both moved 200 miles away from where I was living in Hampshire), and the rest of the time he threatened me, my Dad and even threatened suicide too.

Despite friends giving me suggestions of where to move to etc, I ended up living at my Dads girlfriends for 9 months just outside London as that was where I felt safest. Even though I didn’t know anyone there, I wanted a fresh start, a chance to put it all behind me as my old home town also had some horrid memories. Bizarrely enough, looking back now, all the warning signs were there and I know when I first mentioned on this forum that we were planning a move, people suggested I re-think it.

I got a temp job within 2 weeks of me moving down and was there for 6 months, going on to a permanent position afterwards.

Knowing how expensive the London / Heathrow area is for renting, I knew it was going to be a very long time before I was able to afford any kind of deposit etc and the rent alone would be almost my wages worth, but I did desperately want to actually have a bedroom rather than a sofa – so I found a family locally who were looking for a lodger. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than the sofa and being with the ex – and now I have a great friendship with my landlady and her two teenage kids who are absolutely wonderful.

I’ve also made two amazing friends who I met in my temping job – and as a result, when they go on holiday, they let me stay at their flats to keep an eye on their cats, so I get an occasional taster of what it’s like living on my own again. I also had a second job too which kept me very busy, but it was seasonal and it’s finished for the year now.

My social life is very much back, but my anxiety is a huge huge thing for me. What people see on my Facebook and what they see when I’m actually out is completely different to what I’ve become. My ex and I went to sooooo many things together that when I do something, I still feel like I’m looking over my shoulder, and recently too, I had a reunion with a group of friends who some of them I’d not seen for 15 years, and giving them a brief rundown of what’s been going on (as I disappeared off FB for almost 2 years), and it hit me so hard that I am still not in control of it. The hobby that my ex and I both had in common, I still do this but now with another group of people, so I don’t have to worry about him being there.

Sadly, I’ve had a major fall out with my best mate – who had helped me so much when I first left and moved back down here. She was constantly pulling me up on things I’d done wrong, things I’d said wrong, put something on someones facebook that she didn’t like etc. First of all, it got to me a bit and I admitted there were some things I had done wrong, but for her to keep bringing stuff up again and again – even something that happened that annoyed her several years ago. Now, that’s what my ex did, and while I know she would never do half the things he has done – I really don’t want to be treated like that again, not by anyone and I didn’t want to justify myself to her at all.

Mentally – things are different now, a lot lot different. I’ve got enormous barriers up around me now. Once, if I’d upset someone, I’d be beside myself trying to sort it all out, but now my attitude has completely changed and I know it’s bad, but a lot of the time, I’m just letting it go. Don’t get me wrong, if I know I’ve upset someone, I will apologise for what I’ve done / said and then move on. Or if I didn’t think I’d done wrong, now I’ll just say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and then move on. Also, my depression has taken a toll on my finances too – as I’m one of these ‘comfort spenders’ and I’ve got myself into some debt now, but I’ve now seen how bad it’s got and I’m trying to nip that in the bud before it really does take over my life.

I also now have massive trust issues – and find that I’m struggling to trust anyone at all – except my Dad, and bizarrely, one of my new friends. Anyone else, I’m tolerating, but I’m not sharing things as I used to.

I’ve had one date since, and that was a complete disaster as the very next day he told all his mates that he had a girlfriend, changed his status on Facebook and suddenly I end up with loads of messages asking me about it!!! Put a stop to that one as soon as I could!! We are friends now, but apparently this is quite normal for this guy to do this, but once he’s told, he’s fine. Otherwise, I just can’t be bothered at the moment.

My doctor has suggested counselling as she thinks that I’m suffering from a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that I could do with getting a lot of help. My manager from my second job also said the same when I broke down with her a while ago as she said that even though it’s been a year, my ex is still very much living in my mind and in a way, he still has control as I do still talk about him a lot.

I’ve gained 2.5 stone too - I’m a tall woman, and when I left I was wearing size 8 clothing, but they were slightly too big for me – now I’m a happy size 14.

Anyway, I’ve waffled on enough – I guess my point here is not only to update those who knew me a year ago (Tarantula, Snail etc), but also to anyone else who has found themselves in an abusive situation that getting out can happen. It may take time, it may take many attempts, but ….. you will know, when the time is right.

I don't know what I was doing the other day, which made me think of this forum. Probably talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - but one lunch time, everyone else had gone out so I composed my post and emailed it home so I could add finer touches to it (also can't remember my login details, but on my laptop at home it's automatic).

It's fantastic to hear that you are doing so well, petal. Of course you think you still have a long way to go, but so does everybody!
You've put in a massive amount of effort, and it will pay off in a big way for the rest of your life.