Too Many Options

The marriage crisis and why singles today don't want to commit.

Invited to any weddings lately? Grab the opportunity to attend before they become a rare occasion.

At least that's what some scholars like Prof. Charles Martel, Professor of Computer Science at the University of California believe after carefully analyzing the data, prepared by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, on U.S. marriage rates since 1960.

The statistics are eye-opening. From 1970 through 2008, the U.S. marriage rate has declined from 76.5 to 37.4 marriages per 1,000 unmarried women. Not only is the marriage rate declining, but the rate of decline is accelerating. Creating a trend line, Martel comes up the astounding conclusion that if the current tendency continues, sometime between 2028 and 2034 the U.S. marriage rate will reach zero!

Preposterous? Of course. People will surely continue to get married. But we can't ignore the reality of the precipitous decline in the numbers of those choosing to walk down the bridal path.

In 1960, 72 percent of adults (over the age of 18) were married. According to Pew, the prestigious American research center, that number today is 51 percent, and five percent of that drop occurred between 2009 and 2010. Marriage rates declined even more for young adults. In 1960, 59 percent of people between the ages of 18 and 29 were married; today, it's only 20 percent. The average marrying age is 26.5 for women and 28.7 for men, compared to 20.3 and 22.8 in 1960.

What happened?

People just don't seem to want to commit.

Some blame the economy for marriage falling into disfavor. They claim it's yet another unfortunate consequence of the great recession we’re presently experiencing. But the trends that are making records today got their start decades ago, and they've consistently followed the same downward path through economic ups and downs.

The simple truth seems to be that people just don't seem to want to commit. And I have my own theory for this contemporary sorry state of affair.

I know my research is only anecdotal and I have no proof to back up my claim but I think that rather than a new cultural aversion to the state of matrimony there's something else going on here. Wedded bliss is still an ideal. Men and women still fantasize about family and dream about a perfect partner with whom they'll live happily ever after. But what we're seeing is the result of TMC – too many choices – a concept derived from the findings of a remarkable study by Columbia professor Sheena Iyengar, in a research paper entitled "When Choice is Demotivating.”

For 10 years, Professor Iyengar has been analyzing the concept of making choices. For her research, she and her staff ran a test where they set up a free tasting booth in a grocery store, with six different jams. 40% of the customers stopped to taste. 30% of those bought some.

Having too many choices made them 10 times less likely to buy.

A week later, they set up the same booth in the same store, but this time with 24 different jams. 60% of the customers stopped to taste. But only 3% bought some.

Having too many choices made them 10 times less likely to buy.

Although it has long been the common wisdom in our country that there is no such thing as too many choices, as psychologists and economists study the issue they are concluding that an overload of options may actually paralyze people or push them into decisions that are against their own best interest. TMC – too many choices – leaves us afraid to make any decision lest we then have to live with the subsequent discovery that we made the wrong one.

Once having committed, we've opted out of the ability to make any more judgments – and just look at how many options we left on the table that might really have been better.

TMC paralyzes us with fear, depriving our confidence in the wisdom of our selection. We end up preferring to do nothing rather than to have to live with pangs of remorse over a possibly wrong decision. Professor Iyengar summed it up this way: “The presence of choice might be appealing as a theory, but in reality people might find more and more choice to actually be debilitating.”

If this is true for something as seemingly minor as picking the right kind of jam, think how much more so this can incapacitate one’s ability to choose a mate. In the age of arranged marriages, a suitor might have been presented with half a dozen possible candidates selected on the basis of suitability in terms of family background, education, and religious values. In close knit communities, young men and women could choose from those they knew from the neighborhood. The boy or girl next door was seen as a viable candidate from what was considered a limited market.

Today, for better and worse, it's a new world. The age of globalization, the Internet, the dating services that offer access to people literally from around the world present the unmarried with unlimited choices. We're not talking about merely 24 different kinds of jams; we're dealing with the possibility of eventually finding any one of hundreds of thousands of others who just might be the perfect person we’re looking for.

Lori Gottlieb, the author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, concluded that too many women — her book focused on women but the same is certainly true for men as well — “think I have to pick just the right one. Instead of wondering, ‘Am I happy?’ they wonder, ‘Is this the best I can do?’” And since they haven't yet looked at all the other available "jams" out there, they feel that to be fair to themselves they have to postpone any decision. So they continue to wait and wait and wait, as they prolong their search for the perfect jam before they allow themselves to make a commitment.

This will surely leave them frustrated forever, because as the profound proverb asks us to realize, “The only perfect people are bachelors’ wives and old maids’ children."

The fear of committing to a choice because of the multiple other options is not only self-defeating but from a spiritual perspective ignores a fundamental truth about God’s involvement in human affairs.

Our tradition teaches us that God is the greatest matchmaker. The Sages ask: what has God been busy with since creation? Their reply: He occupies Himself with the holy task of arranging marriages. Human happiness is a heavenly goal. The Torah teaches us that God intended everything to be tov, good, and "It is not good for a human being to be alone."

That's why the Talmud records that 40 days before birth a heavenly voice goes forth and proclaims, "The daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so." Marriages really are made in heaven. God created someone suitable for every person on earth.

In Yiddish there is a beautiful word that expresses this concept of a divinely decreed soul mate. It is bashert. We all have a bashert and God in His infinite goodness makes certain to place that person in our path at some appropriate point during our lifetime.

And that perspective can make all the difference in the world when we cope with the paralysis induced by TMC – too many choices.

Without a bashert, our choices are plagued with the doubt that maybe no one out there is good enough for me. We’re tempted to keep on searching without any assurance that we'll ever find someone who can't be improved upon. We could have already met Mr. or Ms. Right in God's eyes and ignored them because we were looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect instead - and of course they don't exist. (And even if they theoretically did, why would any of us who are imperfect deserve them?)

Knowing that we have a bashert reassures us that we’re meant to make a decision because God already made that selection for us before we were born. Our dating search is supposed to emphasize finding the one who’s been designated for us instead of discovering reasons for excluding all those who don't meet our impossible standards. Instead of continuously rejecting, we can be secure in the knowledge that there's someone out there who's perfect for us in spite of the fact that he or she isn't perfect. Like a missing piece in a puzzle, God provides us with what we need to complete a beautiful picture - a piece that complements our own strengths and weaknesses so that by working together with our bashert we can find happiness and fulfillment. The purpose of dating is to find that one person who in spite of all their failings makes us feel whole when we share life together.

I've spoken to countless singles who all assure me they desperately want to get married. "What's holding you up then?" I ask. The response is almost always the same. "I'm still not sure if I can't do better." Their commitment phobia isn't based on being dissatisfied with the people they've met so far. It's simply the fear that once they say yes they can no longer keep looking for a superior jam - so they continue to lead lives of loneliness without the sweetness of any partner.

The paralysis induced by TMC is an affliction we desperately need to overcome in order to preserve the ideals of marriage and family. Yes, singles need to choose wisely, but equally important – they need to choose.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Benjamin Blech, a frequent contributor to Aish, is a Professor of Talmud at Yeshiva University and an internationally recognized educator, religious leader, and lecturer. Author of 14 highly acclaimed books with combined sales of over a half million copies, his newest, The World From A Spiritual Perspective, is a collection of over 100 of his best Aish articles. See his website at www.benjaminblech.com.

Visitor Comments: 92

(57)
Esther,
August 8, 2012 6:15 AM

How we should know when to decide and who to get married? It's not really that Hashem comes up and says "this one is for you", uUnless anyone can be mr Right, as our texts say, once you decide to get married and your husband/wife is than considered "Bashert". The answer is DECISION! :)

(56)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2012 5:58 PM

so true!

I am in the dating process and stumbled upon this article when it is actually the exact thing I needed to hear! I'm going out with this boy, and everything's good, but I can't help thinking there are lots of good guys out there since I barely dated any yet. Why should I marry him if it just makes sense but maybe I'll like the next boy better? I think this just gave me the confidence to go on with him, and just choose if it ultimately makes sense with Hashems help of course. Thank You.

(55)
elisheva,
February 28, 2012 9:22 PM

misunderstanding of basert

"basert "doesn't mean what some people seem to think it means-it isn't someone who you think is perfect for you-its who hashem intends you should marry-someone probably NOT perfect for you in the american romantic ideal but who you 're fated to learn to live with and hopefully develop into a better person with -if you have to learn to live with differences and problems,etc and refine your tolerance,patience,dreams-this was your fate

(54)
Corin,
February 26, 2012 4:39 AM

To sum this up

You'd better pick a jam to put on that toast before it rots!

(53)
Johnny,
February 20, 2012 3:01 PM

Paradox of choice

I think people are misunderstanding the author's article. There is a famous book called 'The Paradox of Choice' by Barry Shwartz, who is an expert in this field. You can also find him talk on TED.com

Tina,
July 24, 2012 2:03 AM

Great book! It was required reading for one of my college classes this past semester and I have to say that the majority of students left the class in amazement. I suggest it to everyone!

(52)
Notashygetz,
February 18, 2012 7:21 PM

Way off the mark

I cannot speak on behalf of all men, but from my perspective (as a man), it's the women who are less willing to commit nowadays, and then men must therefore be more cautious, because the law, in the case of divorce, is usually not on their side. How is a man supposed to be 'less choosy' if the wrong woman has the power to take away his house, car, and most importantly his children? The author makes some good points in the article, but he fails to address the real underlying problems.

kevinb,
March 13, 2012 1:13 AM

True That

The law is extremely anti-man when it comes to divorce, even in 50-50 states.

(51)
Anonymous,
February 17, 2012 1:32 PM

Only one perfect beshert?

Somehow the article switches from saying one shouldn't waste time and effort looking for the elusive perfect "one" to saying there only is one perfect "one" (beshert) out there.
It's also interesting that this ancient Jewish concept is in Yiddish, a language with which our sages were unfamiliar (unless they knew the language of the tribes of Germania.)

(50)
MABSH"Y,
February 16, 2012 9:15 PM

conception, not birth

Actually, the Talmud (Sotah 2a) records that it is not forty days before /birth/ but before /conception/, a much neater trick! The mother hasn't even become pregnant yet, and yet God already decrees their beshert.

(49)
rayla,
February 16, 2012 8:48 PM

I completly agree with F. L. Comment number 46. Alot of men dont wanna work hard these days its so BAD

(48)
Anonymous,
February 16, 2012 11:25 AM

There is some clever logic to the article but not much of a solution.....advice to simply choose a partner is a bit vague to say the least but gained some insight into the stats I suppose Thanks

(47)
Bev,
February 15, 2012 11:48 PM

To many options can apply to both single and married. Unless you are on a deserted island, there will always be more options. Then it goes back to commitment. More singles would imply folks aren't getting married, folks are getting divorce. A good economic society gets married young, the jobs are out there to support a family. More singles on the rise, more options for the singles, gives them hope. Bad economic society few divorces more affairs. Few options, singles finding compatibility choice is null to find someone to want to commit, why settle for less. More options, greater the chance in finding the right one. Two jars of jam, flavors you don't like, you don't buy. Twenty four jars of jam, chances are greater to find a flavor you like, then commit to buy. You can only buy one when you like a few, then you would have to keep tasting them to make the final choice. A win win situation since you like all three, picking one out of three will still be a win win. In an actually shopping experience, I go ahead and buy all three; to many choices doesn't hinder me to purchase, it only increases my purchase. The verdict on the test, the customers must not had liked any of the jams. They had no intention on buying jam, they were ask to taste and try so they did. Take the free samples and the coupon, it's free why not. If the demo lady says if you try this you will have to buy the whole box, then fewer customers would participate with the taste test, no matter how many or lack of options are on the table. More options for singles, more to date before making the choice. Makes higher numbers of singles, they have longer to make the choice, no longer 18 but 24 or older, because of the bad economy. They stay in school longer, single, and dating around with all the other single school kids. When the economy improves, the marriages that were having affairs, gets divorce, and marries again. The youngsters start marrying younger. Lower number of singles again

(46)
L.S.,
February 15, 2012 6:45 PM

missed the mark by a long shot

Oh boy, did Aish miss the mark on that one! Sorry Rabbi Blech, but you are way off here! Why am I, a 20-something Orthodox girl single? I'll explain, but first let me just say that I am NOT promiscuous and my expectations are only that the man has an inclination to get a *JOB*. GASP! Hash ve shalom! Did I just suggest that the adult men...gulp...WORK?!?!?! In no other world have I seen such outright laziness and entitlement! We have created a monster in giving these boys the message that working is optional. Men spend years upon years in yeshiva learning torah but no practical skills and are lazy and entitled, expecting the women to support them. All of the gentiles I know work hard to obtain an education and job training skills to support their families. It baffles me how many orthodox Jewish men are naive enough to think that it doesn't take money to buy kosher food and send 4 kids to yeshiva day school, and how working part time as a cashier should win them accolades. I am single because I refuse to marry a lazy gold digger! I do very much want to get married but I will not settle for a sub-par situation in which I am playing sugar mama to some loser who doesn't want to contribute. I worked very hard in my life to obtain two degrees, two professional certifications, and to start and own a business, and I don't have time or patience for men who want to mooch off of me. Why should they get a meal ticket off of me? Too many options is not the problem, the problem is not *enough* choices of MEN--not boys--who know the value of hard work, integrity, and ambition instead of resorting to slothful indulgence in the soft cacoon of a yeshiva stroking their intellectual curiosities. Just disgusting!

HeberHouse,
February 17, 2012 5:51 AM

You hit A nail on the head girlfriend!

Have you heard: "He's so heavenly minded that he's no earthly good?"

L.S.,
February 19, 2012 9:06 PM

LOL--so true!

HeberHouse--you are funny! Hope you don't have that line copyrighted, because I am going to start using it! I *strongly* believe in Torah study! I DO! I DO!........Just not at the expense of Torah in ACTION. It is fine for Torah to be learned in a vacuum, so long as it is PRACTICED in ACTION. That's all! There is a concept of too much of a good thing!

Menachem K.,
February 17, 2012 2:49 PM

Be Realistic

Do you really believe that all yeshiva guys are lazy and have no interest in going to school and getting a job? Some yeshiva guys may be too idealistic (as are some girls as well), but I think you have the wrong idea about what most yeshiva guys are like. I also think you are overlooking the fact that the reason why many of them stay in yeshiva as long as possible (before going to college or work), is so that they are more mature when they enter college and/or the workforce which is filled with many temptations. Of course there are some men who do not adequately plan for their future, but please don't use a broad brush to paint all yeshiva guys as lazy. Also, keep in mind that the older you get, the harder it is to find a "good" guy that has the same frum outlook you have in life. That is not to say you shouldn't have expectations from men, but you need to be realistic about requiring yeshiva guys to have the same level of professional success that you have had. Wishing you lots of hatzlocha.

Scott Marino,
February 17, 2012 8:58 PM

L.S. is right on the money!

The Shift RIGHT hindsight 20/20 WASN'T THE BEST THING AFTER ALL!

already married,
February 19, 2012 5:47 AM

come on ls

1. It's more because you are not attractive that you can't get married. I can tell by your language.
2. Why is it mooching if you're a man but you're only being supported if you're a woman?
3. Money seems to be your priority in life. You seem already married to it.

L.S.,
February 19, 2012 4:25 PM

actually READ my comment

You should actually READ my comment before you give this reply. I look down on so-called "stay at home moms", too, and don't believe that ANYONE who is an adult should be mooching off of another adult. Money is not a priority in life but it is called LIVELIHOOD for a reason--you need money to EAT, pay BILLS, TUITION, and RENT. Give me a break!

(45)
Tova,
February 15, 2012 3:59 PM

Why marry, divorce is so hard...

What about the terrible divorce rate? And the difficulty in getting a divorce and get afterwards. I have a friend in a nearly two year limbo trying to cut free from a bad marriage with no end in sight.

(44)
mordy,
February 15, 2012 12:59 PM

why buy a cow for a glass of milk?

promiscuity is the cause, as mark said. No quesyion what so ever. Today you can have your cake and eat it too without buying it. Today's society asks "why buy a cow if all you want is a glass of milk?" Especialy, when they want to try cow milk, goat milk, and they want to make a rooster give milk too. And you expect commitment?

(43)
Scott Marino,
February 13, 2012 9:01 PM

Today: Blame the Economy

Who can afford to raise a family? Orthodox? Forget about it . A secular home today even costs a fortune! If you aren't from a well-to-do family you're stuck living in the middle of nowhere!

(42)
Suzanne,
February 13, 2012 8:49 PM

It certainly is a complex issue

OK, I just got this from the horse's mouth, so to speak, my 23 year old daughter. The whole expectations of society have changed over the last couple decades. I think alot of young Jews (who are not from orthadox families) feel , just like you said in your article, that if they get married "early" there maybe someone "better" later that they could have had. There also is very little societal disapproval about kids living together today, too - so that takes away the problem of what was once called "shacking up". Also, marriage is postponed because the young would be couples are too busy getting "more established" in their careers. See, like I said, I just got it from the "horse's mouth".

(41)
Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 6:24 PM

Religious Levels

I think one deterrent to people finding their partner is the different religious levels. If people followed halacha and hashkafa properly then you wouldn't have so many different levels and many more people would be compatible. If people's main foucus was on doing their best to do "that which is right" instead of my own way, then each individual would be seen as much more spiritual and worthy, then materialistic and not good enough.

lisa,
February 14, 2012 6:38 PM

I agree!

(40)
mark,
February 13, 2012 6:05 PM

promiscuity is the cause

being as a marriage requires much effort to have and maintain, coupled with the fact that todays culture no longer frows upon non-marital sex, it is no wonder people no longer want to get married. why should they when you can have all the fun without the responsibility marriage entails. i think this article really misses the main issue affecting todays culture. take a look at the marriage rate among religious people of any faith and see if this holds true

(39)
dale,
February 13, 2012 4:50 PM

beshert jam

I found the jam that was perfect for me so I bought six cases of it.
Last week I was at a friends home and he didn't have my jam so I tried his. I actually like his better. Now what??
I have been married to my 2nd wife for over 20 years. I am her 2nd husband. Are we each others bashert or could that be someone we might have met in our early 20's even before first marriages?
Life is good when you don't think too much. otherwise it is sad.

(38)
Alan S.,
February 13, 2012 3:37 PM

As always, Rabbi Blech makes an excellent point. However, it is my belief that like anything else, TMC applies to some people only. I am sure that the decline is multifactoral. For instance, another factor, not directly addressed in his article, are the negative effects that the media, people and society cause when they talk about the high divorce rate and other negative issues that marriage can cause, essentially scaring people into not committing.

(37)
Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 3:25 PM

No choices for those who live in small communities

Living in a small community means that my children have little or no choice, one of mine found her eventual chudduch (from London) in Israel, one was intoduced to hers (from the outskirts of London), one had to go all the way to Australia to find his and the only one still in her home city is still single at the age of 32, The only advice she gets from rabbonim is move to Israel or to London. She is a lawyer, and could not practice outside the UK without requalifying and although she'd be willing to move cities or countries should the right man come along, what's the point in moving just on the off chance of meeting someone. It breaks my heart to think that she might end up alone.

Jennifer,
February 14, 2012 12:02 AM

Small communities

I agree - I've had matchmakers suggest I should move to a larger city just to date.
I'm an engineer and settled with a house and a good, secure job in a time of economic uncertainty. If I move to a new country I have to requalify/certify. I am willing to move if I meet the right person, but to move just for dating's sake - it seems foolhardy to give up the blessings I do have.

Daniel,
February 14, 2012 2:43 PM

It doesn't help

I did move to a big city (for employment reasons, not just to date), and am still single.

Anonymous,
February 14, 2012 7:42 PM

Maybe Daniel and Jennifer should date!

(Stranger things have happened)

(36)
Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 3:13 PM

A lot of Jewish men only want substantially younger women

One of the main problems in the Jewish community is that most Jewish men want only younger women. I've seen many Jewish men on dating sites who are looking only for women ten to thirty years or more their junior. Then they reach their fifties and sixties, and are still looking for (and harassing) women in their 20's and 30's. (I recently saw a profile of one man, with no picture, who stated he was in his mid-50's, asking for a woman 18 to 39 years old for "religious and ideological" reasons!)

(35)
jobar,
February 13, 2012 12:07 PM

It's more systemic than individual

While the TMC effect is real it isn't the most significant factor degrading marriage and the family. The primary factors are cultural and societal. Since marriage and the family are built in to the species the best efforts of our culture and society won't be able to stamp them out, but they can have a significant impact. Some of these factors are enumerated below:
1. Fatherhood is degraded to the point of signing checks. It is denounced as "patriarch" in the mainstream media and academia. Even fathers' day articles in the mainstream media are critical of fathers. Men have no role in reproductive choices and as a result many men feel no stake in reproductive choices.
2. Young men are depicted as schlemiels and sexual obsessives in the main stream media, academia and the schools. Even in Super Bowl ads young men are depicted in a negative light and inferior to females. Little or nothing is asked of them or expected of them. The roles they are depicted as filling is in playing sports, video games, music and sex. What's not to like, but it ends up degrading the contributions of much of half the society.
3. Marriage has lost most of its spiritual and community context under the rule of family law. Survey after survey in the professional literature shows that ninety percent or more believe they are treated unfairly under the family law strictures that govern all aspects of family and parenthood in this country. Family law removes men from active parental roles with their children ( more accurately children custodially controlled by their mother). Moreover, man are treated like accused criminals in family law proceedings.
Many religious groups want marriage defined as being between a man and a women. Remaking it as a true partnership would be a start to rebuilding the institution, and a start on that would be having the religious groups reclaim the trademark on the name marriage and calling family law what it is, a flawed model for long term relationships.

Rachel,
February 13, 2012 5:12 PM

Family Law is not something most young people think about

My husband's parents were divorced when he was an adult; my parents marriage ended after 50 years with the death of my father. Neither of us worried about what "family law" would say about custody proceedings IF our marriage were unsuccessful, IF there were children, IF we had disagreements about custody -- none of which have occurred. Likewise, my daughter is now dating seriously and with all her concerns about the future (and the fact that she has a number of friends whose parents are divorced), it's not something she ever mentions in her concerns for the future. I think your speculation on this as a cause for non-marriage has more to do with your personal experiences than with family law.

(34)
LeahGG,
February 13, 2012 10:50 AM

bashert doesn't help

If you believe you have a bashert, then anytime you're with someone, you wonder if they're your bashert, or maybe the next one will be. It's the same as 'I can do better'.

Sheena,
February 13, 2012 1:36 PM

Me too!

I can't commit to anyone because the ghost of my bashert is always sitting on my shoulder, pecking at my brain.

(33)
Batsheva,
February 13, 2012 10:47 AM

not one size fits all

The excellent points raised do not apply to all singles, obviously! There are many cultural differences in the way people date and the singles crisis in each "culture" will have different, though sometimes overlapping, causes. Many in the chareidi, shidduch only world, do not have a problem of too many choices, but the opposite, a lack of opportunities. This may be caused by living out of town, not having enough money, not enough yichus...and lots of other irrational reasons that will tick off a lot of people!!
But in all circles, there is what to be said about waiting too long to get married. Younger people can grow together. At a certain point, as we get older, we have set ourselves in our ways more firmly and have less will or patience to put up with someone else's set ways.
Interestingly, Lubavitch has just issued a directive that people should start to pursue marriage at a younger age. The points they bring up are definitely worth reading.

(32)
Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 8:16 AM

Don't make a hasty decision!!!

When I was in my early adult years, my dream was to get married and start a family. When I was 22, I came to Israel on a tour hoping to do just that, getting married and starting a family. I entered yeshiva and searched for matchmakers requesting an Israei girl due to the fact that at the time, I wanted to remain in Israel. Aside from learning in yeshiva, I also worked part time teaching in a learning center. I started teaching two children and met their mother, an Israeli woman who worked as a secretary in the same place. She introduced me to her sister and we were married six weeks later. I wanted to wait longer but her sister convinced me to make the sacrifice earlier which was the biggest mistake of my life and which I regret to this day even though I am still married with grown children. My marriage was doomed within the first month of marriage where she showed her true colors, but I always thought it would improve and also did not want to embarrass myself in front of family and friends who warned me against it. I have suffered through her tempertantrums, cursing me and humiliating me in front of my children making me feel worthless especially because unfortunately my livelihood is terrible. It is always on my mind that I should not have been too hasty and should have finished college first instead of dropping out of college and moving to Israel. My advice to other young adult men is of course to get married and have a family but to first finish college in order to make a decent respectable livelihood and after you have a good job to start searching for the right match which should not be a hasty decision like mine was. Do NOT allow anyone to convince you. Do as much searching into the individuals' background as possible which is the mistake I made. I did not search enough into her background and did not ask enough questions. I allowed the family to convince me and wanting so desperately to get married made the wrong decision.

Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 2:26 PM

shalom bayit

I am so sorry to hear of your unhappiness in your marriage. Could I suggest reading "The Garden of Peace" by Rabbi Shalom Arush? Please be encouraged, I do not know the intimacies of your marriage or the personal grievances you have with your wife, but I do know that Hashem ultimately decides who we marry and He makes no mistakes! It was and is His will for you to be married to your wife... and for you to have joy. May you be able to make a great repair in your marriage and have shalom bayit.

Too much candy in the candy store does explain much. It still begs the question why do men have so many choices and woman who do want to commit can't find even a piece of gum?

(30)
Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 12:35 AM

Too much mishegas

Mothers won't let their daughters marry a man whose own mother doesn't wear a shaytel or covers her tablecloth with plastic. Fathers won't let their sons marry a woman who can't earn enough to support the son while he sits on his tuchas all day long "studying." A 30-something woman refuses to date men who wear a colored shirt (rather than white) on Shabbat or who refuse to wear a black hat. A shadchan refuses to give a 40-year-old man the contact info for an intelligent, funny kind woman because she's 5 years older than him. THAT's what's wrong with the world of shidduchim today! That along with the fact that NOBODY LETS SINGLES MEET EACH OTHER!! Parents, shadchans, "friends," etc ad nauseum busily interject themselves between couples. If the man and the woman have been raised in Torah, if they are intelligent, decent people, why not let them find each other? Nobody wants to have co-ed discussion groups, shiurim, or anything else where we can find each other. Everybody's afraid of "indecent behavior." At a shiur in a shul??? With men and women seated on opposite sides of the room? Why don't we trust each other to do the right thing? We're not all perverts! All this separation feeds perverted thoughts! When it comes to dating, when are we going to learn to let go and let G-d???

Daniela,
February 15, 2012 5:10 AM

THANK YOU !!

Yes, I totally agree with this ! Where I live, in Chicago, every time I raise these issues, people don't believe me ! But it's so true, every word of it. And as such, I don't really agree with this article at all. I'm not sure I know anyone who is single because they have too many choices and can't decide who is right for them. We're not picky, STOP TELLING US THAT! It's insulting and small minded. If I could be allowed to meet people on my own, I wouldn't have to hear the opinions of others about whom I should or shouldn't date or what I should be looking for. Perfection ?! I'd be happy to meet someone who bothers to show up at a date on time and wears a clean shirt !

David,
February 16, 2012 12:34 AM

Agreed

Right on! I agree completely.

Anonymous,
February 16, 2012 5:18 AM

well said, "too much mishigas"!!!

"On paper" my husband and I look completely mismatched, yet we've been married for 35 happy years. When it came time for our children to marry, we overlooked many things that many people seem to obsess about that have nothing to do with making a marriage work, and instead focused on mentschlichkeit. Thank G-d, our children were spared years of dating mishaps. They married quickly and happily. Everyone wants the "perfect" person yet they themselves are hardly perfect! Unreasonable expectations lead to tragic consequences.

(29)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 11:58 PM

not the only reason

A few years ago an expensive study was done in the United States to find out why the age of marriage has risen. Surprise, surprise it is premarital sex. Men don't have to commit now to get the benefits of marriage so they can keep testing the waters, and springs and wells. "Are we sexually compatible" is a question now that never existed before. I think in the orthodox jewish community, men are afraid to commit because what if someone comes along who looks more desirable to me? The orthodox world has definitely been tainted by the unrealistic physical expectations of women. Instead of giving someone a chance date because of all they have in common, if the picture doesn't send them into rapture they say no. And women can be just as bad. I think, as a community, we need to have more social events where singles can meet. Once you start talking to a person and find out all you have in common, they become more attractive to you. A real, live, warm person is much better than an idea of what is perfect.

(28)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 10:03 PM

Too many options or any options?

At one time marriage was more our less the only option for a woman. She had no economic independence and a 'spinster' was an object of pity and scorn. Her marriage would be arranged by her parents at a young age and she would have to take what she could get, given her parents' wealth and social standing. If her husband turned out to be an abusive beast she had nowhere to go, unless (unlikely) her parents were willing to take her back.
Today there are options, and marriage needs a better selling point than being the only game in town. Of course many women still want to get married, and are willing to overlook a great deal, but they are no longer trapped - unless of course you go for a jewish marriage.
My cruel and abusive husband would remind me that according to Jewish law he OWNED me. I did manage to escape, but why in the world would anyone want to be trapped that way?

Abigail,
February 13, 2012 9:10 AM

So sorry for your suffering

I am so sorry for your terrible experiences but am happy you managed to get out of your abusive marriage.
The truth is your ex-husband lied to you when he said according to Jewish law he "owns" you. Nothing could be further from halacha (Jewish law). Every Jewish
woman whose husband does not fulfill his marital obligations towards her and does not accord her with the proper respect is permitted to demand a divorce. It's true that in some situations you have what is called an errant husband who refuses to provide his wife with divorce papers, and that often is the case when dealing with abusive husbands. But the point is Jewish law strictly forbids such errant behavior and in some cases even permits a Jewish court to coerce the husband to follow through with the divorce (though now unfortunately with the weakening of the authority of the Jewish court this practice has grown rare).

(27)
Daniel,
February 12, 2012 9:26 PM

Untrue

For every unmarried person who has "too many options", there's another one who has no options at all. See, for example, Dating Maze #347 ("Stuck in the Dating Desert") or #334 ("Helping Our Nerdy Son").

Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 9:21 AM

good point

It seems those who have too many options are the ones with a good overall portfolio--and I don't simply mean people with money, but also people who come from the "right" family and have the "right" looks.
Many single people can't relate to the TMC phenomenon simply because they rarely get to meet people with whom they want to build a long-term relationship.

Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 11:52 AM

I agree 100% with the above comment.

(26)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 9:24 PM

Living together.

An alternate thought on the matter. It has become more "acceptable" for couples to live together and therefore there is less "need" for marriage. This may be traced to a lowering of morality or just to simple economics, but every where you look, from 20 year olds and up couples are "trying" out marriage but for one reason or another choose not to tie the knot. I am not sure if it fear of commitment, laziness or just that they have no time to marry.

(25)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 9:17 PM

No Longer a Necessity!

Most women can support themselves and perhaps a child or two
so why marry.....and take care of a husband also? Women used to marry for security, financial support and family. Today they usually can acquire that for themselves: adopt a child, sperm donor, train for a good job, etc. Men used to marry for sex, which is available today outside of marriage, and for the care that a wife gave them, a "mother"/partner. Today, women work full time , care for the kids, have less time, energy and interest in "babying " a husband. People who look for marriage today may be the ones who can't "make it" on their own! Or to whom marriage is" denied": homosextuals..........

(24)
Shady Character,
February 12, 2012 9:02 PM

Arithmetically Challenged

Almost an hour has gone by and no one has complained about my obvious arithmetical gaffe. 30% of 400 jam tasters is 120, not 12. Because I forgot to take off my shoes before counting, my entire proposition collapses. I humbly withdraw my argument.

(23)
E.L.,
February 12, 2012 8:53 PM

you forgot something

I think there's another factor, a social trend, which you forgot to mention which has contributed to the declining marriage rate far more than TMC...
Maybe 30 years ago, it used to be taste-testing was taboo. Immorality, I think, has got much more to do with it.
Think about it--the recent VOTER APPROVED ban (in a so-called democratic country) on same-gender marriages was overruled as UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
The world is messed up far beyond a TMC syndrome.

(22)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 7:51 PM

Lood for the good -- Gd has a reason

We are taught to seek the good in all matters of human life. In this case, the silver lining may emerge when we consider how many people have experienced one or more divorces of their parents or of the parents of close friends or relatives. Furthermore, think of all those whose parents or whose close friends' or relatives' parents stayed together despite terrible relationships for religious reasons or "for the sake of the kids." Once burned, twice afraid of the fire. My father a"h was a very successful attorney with a multifaceted practice, but one type of case he just about always refused to handle was divorce. He didn't believe in it, even in marriages that were extremely troubled. A few years before he died he confided in me that he realized he had been wrong. He saw what happened to the children in marriages that he personally had "saved." Marriage is a very important choice. It can never be completely undone. If fewer marriages result in a lower divorce rate, that may not be so bad in the long run. With fewer bad marriages and a higher proportion of good ones, singles may be less reluctant to tie the knot and may find it easier to learn from good examples of how to do it right.

(21)
ann,
February 12, 2012 7:45 PM

life is not a hollywood movie!!

today children and young people are raised to be selfish adults; but marriage and love is about GIVING and that's why people can't commit; because taking care of another person until the end of our lives is scaring in our individualisitic "it's all about me" world!
i married at 22 and was blessed to feel very quickly that he was my"bashert" and that Hashem had chosen this man for me and now after 15 years and four little ones we are still feeling that in spite of the diffficulties, this was "meant " by G od; i pray that many young ones can feel this presence of G od when they meet the right person, not the best person! we are not living in a movie!!!

(20)
Shady Character,
February 12, 2012 7:38 PM

Questionable Analogy

The case presented of the jam-tasting booth does not support the proposition that a multitude of choice results in fewer decisions. On the contrary. Let's assume 1000 potential customers pass the stand with 6 jams on display. 40% or 400 of them stop, taste the jam and 30% of them purchase. Result: 12 jars of jam are sold. On the other hand, with 24 jams on display 60% - 600 customers tasted and 3% purchased. - 18 jars sold!
A 50% sales increase!!

Benny,
February 12, 2012 8:07 PM

maths

It seems that your maths is a little off. 30% of 400 is 120, not 12. A lot more than 18!

Daniel Ratner,
February 13, 2012 2:50 AM

Bad math

30% of 400 is 120, not 12. I have done that error myself sometimes!

GW,
February 13, 2012 3:03 AM

Math Adjustment

Shady Character, I think you had a typo in your math. 30% of 400 is 120, not 12. So indeed many more people made the purchase with fewer choices.

Very interesting article. Firstly I'd like to use my own experience in restaurants as an analogy for "too many choices": i always take forever to decide and worry about choosing the right thing, whereas my husband, who always goes for the salmon, no matter where we are, has no problem choosing and is always happy with his meal! I often end up disappointed. If I just had a choice of one pasta or one soup, it would be much easier!
Regarding the bashert.... the Jewish soul is keenly aware of it's bashert waiting out there and perhaps that is the subconscious reason for not being able to choose: somehow knowing that there IS the perfect person out there, but not understanding the true definition of "meant to be" because the criteria has been redefined by popular culture.... One definitely needs to have operating faith in G-d's hand in the issue to find both peace AND partner.

(17)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 6:34 PM

this article is not exactly wrong.

I have tried so hard to get married. Men are focused only on what is good for them and what you can bring to the table. They don't focus on how you both can work to make a good team. They are focused on your age, weight and salary. After that your personality may peak their interest. Spare me already. Gender roles are completely blurred and most people are dating non jews (including the frum boys), Sad to say nothing surprises me anymore: there is a general attitude of fear and indifference in the singles circles.

(16)
anonymous,
February 12, 2012 5:57 PM

Beautiful!

G-d bless you! Stupendous article. Tremendous understanding.
I married my husband using without looking for Mr. Perfect or Daddy Warbuck$. I took notice of his character and found that he was suitable. I had been thru all of the lets see what you can give to me bit and decided- yes decided to look for what really matters. I am an imperfect happily married woman to an imperfect happily married man. Together we make up two imperfect people- a loving couple with 4 childern. We work on our issues- yes our issues and the like.
I am grateful to have made smart choices and incude Hashem in on those choices.

(15)
SusanE,
February 12, 2012 5:07 PM

Not many people see hardship as growth. The choice you make in a spouse might not be perfect, but it will per-fect your character, by teaching you, patience, compassion, how to forgive, and the hundreds of other growth oppertunities we find in daily living with another person. So, you are not unique, the other person is thinking the same things about you as you are about them. Too many choices to do 'better'?- - - - - I found this TED talk to answer tons of questions about making decisions. http://blog.ted.com/2006/09/26/paradox_of_choi/

(14)
sarah,
February 12, 2012 4:39 PM

The middle point.

Some studies have shown that the more lately in life the women get married they tend to be happier with their marriage, they just choose much better. The problem is, that to late in life is not the best eider: the virtues? To get the middle point. The ideal: to be mature enough to feel secure and to know what to expect.

(13)
Melanie Vliet,
February 12, 2012 4:33 PM

Yes, I agree, but . . .

You make many excellent points, You seem to imply, though, that the fact that young adults are marrying a few years later than was previously the case is a bad sign. I disagree. When my first marriage ended, I was in my thirties. I realized then that in their early twenties people aren't yet the persons who they will end up being. Marrying at that age is like pulling a spouse out of a grab bag; you don't know what you're getting. It's far better to wait until both parties are mature.
My son is now twenty-four. He has had the same girlfriend for over three years, yet neither is interested in marrying soon, if ever. I attribute this to the fact that they have both witnessed two divorces first-hand and don't want to make the same mistakes they've seen their parents make. I applaud them for this. I learned years ago that it's better to be single than to be married to the wrong person. I'm glad that they were able to avoid the pain that their four parents endured through such vicarious learning.
Not getting married does not necessarily mean living a lonely life. I was anything but lonely between marriages; I dated a number of men and was helpful to them, I believe, just as they were helpful to me. This is why G-d created the two genders--to help each other through their divergent strengths and abilities. We are complementary creatures whether we unite in marriage or not. Vive la difference!
Finally, let none of my readers misinterpret my comment to mean that one may engage in sexual activity without being married. May it never be! Such conduct outside of marriage is sin and, in my view, is proof that the couple neither loves or respects each other but wishes only to selfishly use the partner. We can enjoy a close relationship through conversation, which is the stepping stone to marriage, without becoming physically intimate or living together or marrying. This, I think, is a form of the goodness that G-d wants for us through interacting with the opposite sex.

(12)
Frank Adam,
February 12, 2012 4:08 PM

when the dowry is not so urgent

I object to the predestination in "beshert" as it encourages intellectual laziness, fatalism and dodges self criticism and self improvement. Besides it is Hok haGoy Calvinism. What the piece neglects is that in pre-industrial pre-contraception World there was a very practical need for marriage. She needed the, "meal ticket for life," and he needed the housekeeper; and they both needed the childen as pension to care for them in their old age - if they arrived.
Nowadays she often has a valid income from a trade or profession with pension in her own right; and any competent single person can run a home with electric white goods and supermarket meals ready to eat. In the First World we all have a kilowatt capacity on hand at power points - that is 1.34 horsepower or 13 men or 17 maidservants for Biblical comparison to do laundry and kitchen and much else.
Accordingly if people are shying away from formal marriage it is because what it offers is no longer the simple side of life and if people are to take it up it needs "selling" for the subtle and psychological provisions so get clarifying and promoting! This all reminds me of Simone de Beauvoir the original 20th century feminist (Sartre's mistress) commenting that the difference between prostitution and marriage was the length of the contract - a supremely bourgeoise comment for all her Left pretensions. She deservedly had problems with her own peace of life relations. Nowadays the big advantage of marriage is the psychological security - a point I once heard Margaret Thatcher of all the notorious stone hearts - make almost off handedly in saying she was glad she had sorted her marriage young and satisfactorily.

(11)
NYC Single Gal,
February 12, 2012 4:07 PM

Disgusting and Hurtful

As someone in her mid 20's and not married, i found this article to be incredibly closed minded. As the author noted, all evidence is anecdotal, i would like to be the voice of an actual single person. The reason i found that many of my friends are unwed has nothing to do with there being too many options. I have many friends at this point who would rather be married, than married to the right person. Leading to unhappy marriages, and divorce. If this article had any merit to it all, there wouldn't be thousands of girls crying themselves to sleep filled with despair and desperation. Rabbi Blech, please take a walk to Mt. Sinai and let me know if you still feel the same way.

L.S.,
February 15, 2012 10:16 PM

chin up!

I too am a single girl in NYC but I am not crying myself to sleep, nor am I filled with despair and desperation. Please, cut the melodrama. Many people are UNhappily married and many married people get divorced. Marrying the wrong person is the biggest mistake one can make in life. Be grateful that for now you are single and not with the wrong person.

(10)
Karen Factor,
February 12, 2012 4:00 PM

I also want to say that one other reason there are less marriages today is because there are so many divorces. People want to think twice before marrying someone. At the same time, there are too many choices with online dating and some people expect a spark or chemistry right away. They don't want to give the person a chance. Some people do not realize that some of the best marriages are a result of people starting out as friends and then the love grows. At the same time, some people want to enjoy being single for a while and some people want to postpone marriage because they are not ready.

(9)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 3:48 PM

On these websites there are many options but many men and many women want to have adventures only momentary anything seriously.

(8)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 3:46 PM

@YehudahLeib Fisher- nope. He arranges- the rest is up to us

Anonymous,
February 13, 2012 11:46 AM

not straightforward

I have heard otherwise in the name of one of the Talmudic commentators - that Hashem is also involved in maintaining the family unit. Like everything else, this does not exempt us from making the required effort

(7)
Micki Lavin-Pell,
February 12, 2012 3:46 PM

Too much choice, or too little confidence

While I agree with the too much choice research, as a marriage therapist who works with lots of single people looking to get married, I feel that the article doesn't overlooks something even more fundamental and at the core of people's difficulty with knuckling down on mate selection. Many people simply feel afraid of choosing because they don't feel they have enough inside of them to bring to the table, so they feel that they need that much more from a potential partner. The more confident a person is, the better they are able to feel confident in making a selection. If people worked on their own insecurities more, they will be more attractive to others as well as attract an equally confident partner.

(6)
Adam,
February 12, 2012 3:33 PM

Marriage is Russian Roullette

The author has omitted, intentionally or not, the fact that marriage is extremely dangerous for men, these days. The suicide rate for divorced men is much more elevated than for single men. Men are systematically made visitors instead of co-parents in many states, and especially in Israel. In Quebec, one of the few places where common-law is not recognized in terms of alimony/support, a man would have to have much faith, or simply be an idiot, to submit himself to such an elevated risk. Why is it that whilst the World is waking up to the sever discrimination against men in family courts (again, especially in Israel with the "tender years clause", etc), why aren't frum people raising awareness? Is it because they feel it would be a hilul Hashem to expose just how many women get married under the huppa yet run to the Beit Mishpat for a greater support cheque than would be awarded them in Beit Din? I just feel that the frum community in hutz l'haaretz needs to follow the lead of certain Rabbis in Israel who are fighting for awareness and most of all, justice... Until then, sending off boys to get married in Israel without educating them about the current state of affairs is not much different than playing russian roulette with their lives...

Jonathan Blum,
February 12, 2012 4:35 PM

Prenup?

I hear Adam's concern, and wonder whether the dangers he points out would perhaps be addressed and significantly avoided through the use of prenuptial agreements.
Even if there is still some risk, it must be weighed against the risks of NOT marrying.
I once heard of a study which found that couples who lived together prior to marriage were more than twice as likely to get divorced than couples who were married prior to living with each other. The study also addressed the immeasurable "silent divorce rate," a term it developed for the increadibly high rate of unmarried adults living with their significant others who break up. According to the study, the likelihood of unmarried couples growing old together while staying unmarried was hovering somewhere just above zero.
In the end of the day, the best way to promote a dependable future with a partner is to marry early in the relationship.
Just don't forget the prenup!

adam,
February 12, 2012 6:47 PM

prenups

Regardless of the prenup, mother's automatically receive full custody, until the age of 6, in Israel, and fathers are relegated to the role of visitor. In fact, Israel is the ONLY country in the World to discriminate in this manner. Although things are in the process of changing, albeit very slowly, men should be advised that a divorce in the Holy Land will result in total loss of custody, unless the children's mother chooses otherwise. Also, Israel secular courts, unlike Canada ones, do not rule in accordance with your salary. Israeli judges can, and often do, set child support above the man's salary. This policy serves Bituach Leumi well. Since men's passports are removed during divorce proceedings (further proof that the system is corrupt), men have no option of fleeing. Rather, once they fall behind on payments, Bituach Leumi issues cheques on their behalf and subsequently charges them interest and penalties. Inthis manner, they can make 6 figure profits on what is most often the poorest segments of society. Men, in turn, are forced to keep paying interst and penalties on said child support for decades after their children have reached the age of maturity. Truth is, Israel is also one of the 2 or 3 last countries in the World to have debtor's prison. Unfortunately, it seems that secular Israeli justice does not share the common sense of the Nations or even the Torah... May Hashem help us!

Wayne,
February 13, 2012 3:36 AM

Prenup? LOL

Prenups aren't worth the toilet paper they are printed on. At least in the United States, and judge can vacate a prenup on a whim, and I'm betting it's the same way in Israel. If you want men to commit to marriage, make sure they can get a true commitment in return, not just a vague promise that can be eliminated by government fiat. I make the following statement by analogy, rather than tongue-in-cheek: it is impossible for a man to find a single woman these days, since women are married to the government.

rmm,
February 12, 2012 6:16 PM

simple question:

What parent, in their right kind, "sends off" a boy or girl to "get married'..in Israel or anywhere else? Everyone who marries WITH OR without serious thought of the matter, without advice, without spiritual, financial and moral resources, is responsible for his/her own life and the life of the person they have married as well. The first word to think of when it comes to marriage is RESPONSIBILITY. After that comes all the rest. Responsibility cannot waver. Without it, a marriage is doomed from the start. The quality of love may change many times over the years. The quality of responsibility must not waver.

(5)
Bobby5000,
February 12, 2012 3:24 PM

Enjoy being single

I have a 21 year old son who has gone out with different girls. At some time, he will probably get married, have a house, mortgage and children, face financial issues, encounter stress at work, have teenagers going to college. It does not have to happen right away.
I notice many women want to get married and for some, encounter similar pressures of raising children, handling a household, etc.
For those single, enjoy what you have, travel, meet new friends. Once you get married, you can value the family.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 3:09 PM

Great Article

Great article with many accurate points. That said anecdotal evidence may suggest a very wide variety of issues and challenges for why singles are not married; unmarried individuals may have many more layers of complexity or personal challenges.

(3)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 3:05 PM

Sadly, this issue of "too many choices" is an old problem, especially in New York City. In the 1980s, many people thought they could do better than "settling" for the person available to them. If you look at the various Jewish websites today, you'll find that many people simply never got married. How likely are they to get married today?
I don't know what's responsible for this cultural scene. Some of it has to do with being Jewish and thinking we can always do just a little better!

(2)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 2:49 PM

100% on the mark!

A man who was totally unsuited to me insisted on wanting to see me after our first date. I explained to him that I did not think we share enough core values and life goals to be able to make a life-time together. In addition I also was not only, not-attracted to him. I was in actual fact repulsed by him (which I didn't tell him). Also, because of a huge age difference it felt to me as if I was out on an excursion with my father, and the thought of him possibly even touching my hand romantically made me feel ill. Although I was polite, he became extremely abusive, and shouted that there were over 3000 women he could choose from that he could have, and who did I think I was to decline. But he is wrong. Of the 3000 women who supposedly have a membership on the website, perhaps half are active candidates. Of those 50% (1500) maybe only 10% would be of a suitable age world wide(150), and of those 10% may have similar values, and goals(15)...not to mention common interests....and of those, maybe only10% will have him as their ideal man....so in reality he has fewer than 2 women who may be suitable. But the thought of 3000 desperate women (according to him), meant he felt he could punch in the parameters of his idea of the ideal woman and print her ready to walk to the chuppa. The illusion of too many choices.

Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 6:28 PM

No one would want such an abusive, repulsive creature. If he ends up with anyone, it will be someone who is very masochistic.

Anonymous,
February 12, 2012 6:34 PM

question

if you were so certain of his "unsuitability", why did you go out with him at all? Why waste your time, .and his? Better to tell him you felt the way you did in the very beginning. It wasn't a grave error, thankfully, but you were partly to blame for the situation which arose. No woman - or man - is under an
obligtation to "go out" with anyone.

Shunrata,
February 12, 2012 9:12 PM

Possible answer

Obviously the poster is the one to answer that... but did it occur to you that maybe she didn't know he was unsuitable until she met him?....

(1)
YehudahLeib Fisher,
February 12, 2012 9:45 AM

RE: "He occupies Himself with the holy task of arranging marriages"

I suspect He is even MORE occupied with holding together those marriages He already arranged!? :-)

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...