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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I love you. I love you. I love you. You're the sunshine that dries my tears, the fire that makes my heart dance, and the very bestest friend anyone can ever ask for. Yes, we fight a lot but if you notice I only start them when you try to talk about how this girl or that girl is so pretty. Or even how so and so is your best friend. Yes, I'm jealous. Yes, I'm mean to you but that's only because I wanna push you away before well... I have to see with someone else. That's mean of me though. I want to see you happy. Just... I wish you were happy with me. Idk. I just love seeing you smile...

You've been there whenever you can and... I appreciate that. As you're reading this, you're probably rolling your eyes or... confused. Or just taking it as it. I have no clue. Then again, I will never send this letter to you. But... just remember... Whenever I laugh at you and we just walk together, talking about anything in the world... I'm so full of hope and joy I could just float off the earth, taking you by hand with me.

The really weird thing tho... I feel so complete when you're here with me. I feel as if I can take anything on and as long you're here with me... I'll live through everything with strength and a smile on my face.

Call me stupid, lame, and inconsiderate. But... I just wish you knew how I feel. If I did send this letter, the relationship I already have with someone would die an unholy messy way. I feel so bad. I love you both. Wow. This is the first time I've said I loved either of you.

Right now I'm crying and I hope I feel this pain lasts forever, so I can remember how horrible and unfair of a person I am to both of you. Even you have to admit how much the person I'm with right now is more perfect for me than almost anyone else. He's so caring, honest, sweet, and just the kind of person I need. I don't deserve him anymore than I deserve you. Either way... You are both so much stronger in goodness than I could ever hope to even attain.

I try to forget about you in his eyes and whenever I'm in his arms.... but I can't.

I love you, friend. I will forever. If you ever need arms to hold your sorrow in and support you, I'll be there. If you ever need to talk about anything at all, I'll be there. If you ever need a friend, I'll be there. If you ever need a partner for life... I'll be there. No matter how many times the leaves will fall from the trees we pass by eveeryday... I will love you more than either of us can ever comprehend. Dear God, I wish I could actually send this to you. I don't care if I have to watch you fall in love with a friend or a stranger, as long as you're happy... I am. It's that simple. I am more attached to you than appropriate. Just... maybe one day, you'll see me on the sidelines, waiting for you with a hesitant smile and open arms. Thank you for being the anchor I have needed in this storm in the sea of life. Thank you for being the water to wash away my memories and hatred. Thank you so much...

I love you more than you'll ever love me. But maybe... maybe one day it will be good enough.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I am writing you this poem to say how much you mean to me more than the stars in the sky and the waves of the sea I hope we get to meet someday but if we never do I just want to say on this fine day that I really do love you my friend

i really do love you

all my very best wishes, love and hugs to the bestest friend I have ever had

Friday, April 25, 2008

Ichoose not to see your face in your funeral. Not a drop of tears can be seen on my face, and I won't yield in the church. I beleive this can help me to remember your face, the most familiar face since I was a baby.

Although I am close to tear when everytime I am thinking of you, but every time I will choose to hide my feeling. This is because I am scare they will know how much I miss you, they will know much I want to share my bread with you when you were with me.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

this is my last message to you...this the last...how many times did i tell you this?i dont know...but just just know that i will be the last...Im giving up counting it....nowadays im giving everything up...just walking into a hollow...i dont know where to stop or where im going to....i dont know where i lost my dreams...who is acting in this movie instead of me...it became a gamble...just start with innocence...then you wanna win...then it becomes a passion..then became an obsession...but after all you spent your all you dont have anything in your hands....anything..i wonder why does it happen that way..and do wonder when will i lose those last several people i have in my life....even i lost everthing just it hurts me....LOSING you...

I feel i am changing....losing trust to everyone....i didnt want i happen that way......i didnt want anything to become that way...maybe im one to blame....Im feeling lonely...have you ever lost...have you ever watched your dream gone in hands....

have you ever loved someone and despite everything couldnt you get a small piece of his heart....have you ever felt your heart dead.....have you ever hugged your pillow and cried all night....

now im just looking at the past

the things i gotthe things i leftthe things i supposed to have but never had...just fake smiles & toy victories......just a big ZERO i left behind my back....I will never the ppl i left behindWill never be strong..will never be brave enough to share the feelings i hide or will have her talent or her beauty i wont be flawless..i wont a be good person eitherEverything is now really overi dont feel anything...just walking away..maybe a miracle comes and takes me awaythinking where am i?or what have i done?*nothing* will be my answer again...pity...now my heart really dead...

Monday, April 21, 2008

You say I am sensitive, manipulative, fake, and transparent. Look in the mirror. You take your unhappiness out on everyone else; especially me.

You dumb yourself down with other friends and ask stupid questions you already know the answers too. I can't trust you with anything.

You used to be my best friend but you are my worst enemy undercover best friend. I hate you so much. I have to keep a smile on my face so I can be happy that no one hates me, but you constantly put me down and think it's okay. When someone vents about you there's a huge problem.

You are a hypocrite who is full of irony. You are a selfish liar who doesn't care about anyone but themselves. You look in the mirror so often you probably don't even see anyone else in the world but yourself. You need to open up your eyes. You treat friends and tools but it will lead to your own unhappiness. You stay angry and don't even tell the person until they ask. You turn your phone off instead of talking to resolve issues.

Iwant you to know that I still love you and always will. I thought I could get over you and that my broken heart would heal quickly. I was wrong. I was only strong while you were not near. One look at you and my heart melts within me. All the buried feelings begin to rise within me and all I want to do is melt within your arms. I now confess that I never stopped loving you. I guess I never will.

Now I am feeling lost and confused. Within my heart I want you so badly. All I think about is you and being able to hold you, love you, touch you, and be with you. I am consumed by my desire for you and I feel lost without you. I know that I cannot force you to be with me or to want to be with me. It must be your decision. I would not want you any other way. I want you to want me, to be with me because you want to be with me, to love me because it makes you happy to love me, to come to me because you desire to be close to me.

I thought that missing you would get easier everyday. It has not. In fact, now that I have seen you again, touched you again, made love to you again, it has gotten more difficult being without you. My whole being aches for you and I cannot force myself to stop loving you. In fact, I don’t want to stop loving you.

Alas, it might very well be my fate to go on living without you. I will not beg you to come back. If love cannot lead you back to me then I guess we will stay apart, but I truly hope that you will love me as much as I love you and want me with the same burning desire that I want you.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

For the first one...I never meant for things to get this crazy. I do have feelings for you, however, I can keep those to myself. Maybe one day we can start over and get back on the same page and reconnect again down the road. I think we have a lot to offer each other, even if it is just as friends.

For the second one...You are an incredible human being. You know just what to say and who to say it to. However, with your charm, I don't know if you're being honest, or just playing with my mind. Maybe one day we can be true friends. But for now, I need for you to quit playing with my heart and soul. I'm a fragile human being who has been hurt many times over. The last thing I need is for a Prince Charming to come into my life, only never to follow through.

It basically comes down to this. I'm happy with my life, and I don't need or want anyone coming in a trying to make it a mess. Lord knows I have plenty of obstacles in my way as it stands. The last thing I need is to be set off track. And I feel you two have done just that. Now that I can see it, I'm moving forward with my plans, my future, and my life...the way God wanted me to.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Thank you for what you did for me, whether or not you even knew what that was. I barely knew you, and yet you died for me. You didn't even die to save my life, you died so that I could have a single moment. The moment I'd dreamed of. The dream that I'd wished for so hard that I'd called it a prophecy, long before I knew, that's exactly what it was.

Thank you for all the people who may never know how your life and death affected their lives. Yes, I know that you died for a cause bigger than me and my 'prophecy'. I'm not so self-centered that I would think that a single moment of my life was worth yours. My entire life would not have been worth yours. I don't pretend to know why you died, or all that you accomplished, but I only know that there must be more to what happened than what I can see. I'm still trying to figure out what I can, but I'm only a voice crying out in the dark. You were the light, and you're gone now. I have to solve this great enigma on my own.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I needed your miracle as much as I did. I'm sorry that I was so focused on my dreams that I didn't see the bigger picture. I couldn't see that you would have to die to make my dreams come true. And yet, it's hard not to blame myself. As though my wishing for what happened was what killed you. Maybe it was. I wish I knew. But there's so much I wish I knew. And I know that if I knew the whole story, I might wish I didn't. But still, I can't help but wonder.

Sometimes I've wondered if you really knew what you were doing. And I've wondered whether it was worth it. Often I've wondered how it is that the past could predict the future. Was it fate? Did you know? Did I simply wish so hard that my dream became reality?

I still don't really know whether to feel guilty or grateful to you. Maybe you knew nothing of my silly prophecy, and we were both just pawns of some greater power. Maybe wishing hard enough for something really can make it come true. I hope not. But I don't know.

I've tried to blame it on chance, or luck, or coincidence. But the chances were too high against what happened. It was billions to one. That wasn't coincidence.

Was it my fault? That is the question I cannot stop asking myself. I wish you could answer me. Perhaps that would finally ease the guilty conscience I've been carrying for these past two years.

But another question has entered my thoughts more recently. Does it really matter? Does it matter whether it was my fault or not? All that matters is what happened. And whether I would have done it all again. Would I have done it all again? That's the question that really scares me. Because I don't know the answer to that, either. Would I have let you die if I could have stopped it? I want to scream yes, yes, a million times yes, but there is always that dark doubt in the back of my mind. The dark, dreaming part of my mind that wonders if maybe it really was worth it. A single moment of perfection, worth a human life? I want to say no, it wasn't. A human life is worth so much more than that. But that dark doubt won't let me go. What can I do?

And I know you must not wish for me to feel guilty forever. I'm trying to forgive myself. But it's hard, and I'm afraid, because I still don't know if you would have forgiven me. I still don't even know if you meant for things to happen the way they did. Perhaps that's a stupid thing to wonder. You were never one to withhold forgiveness, anyway. But, there's still that dark doubt . . .

Was it my fault? It all comes back to that question. I wish you could answer me.

I guess, most of all, I just want to say thank you. If only because 'thank you' is all I have left to say. A long time ago, you sent me a birthday card. I don't know if it meant anything to either of us at the time, but it means everything to me now.

Make a very special wishLet your spirits soarCelebrate with all your heartThat's what a birthday's for

Thank you for that very special wish. I will celebrate it with all my heart, forever.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

It's just not the case anymore to say i still love you, i miss you or even i need you. It's been years now and naturally i think of you, of us. The laughter and the very few battles, i wonder where are you now and if i contact you? will you respond, but, i don't want to contact you. Not anymore.

I want to feel the same about you then and there, a place in which i was so infatuated and fascinated about you. One look made me shiver, i miss that emotion now that power you had over me and that i was willing to give you for i was in love and i know you were too.

But now as i am older and perhaps wiser i know now that i don't love you as I've moved on and so have you, but i miss the time that i did and the place we were. We'll never have that again, and those times, places, tears and joys are fading. Which makes me sad but we are alive and are not static beings held to the past.

So when i am back walking the Sydney streets that you and i used to roam about, i will think of you and of us and a time and a place.

I can't sleep as you permeate my mind as I rest. You invade my thoughts almost constantly throughout my day. This is certainly devastating considering the circumstances.

You see, I am in fact gay. Have been in some form or another entirely in love with the female form and consciousness all of my life. It was only recently that I had to admit it to myself and to those around me in every aspect. I am scared to go back into that dark closet of denial and confusion.

I know I used to visit late morning with my male lover / partner , Michael. WHO still remains to be part of my heart ans also part of the reason I cannot be part of you.

Michael was different. He was only 20 but wiser than his years. He had faced death for most of his life. This made him grounded, noble, understanding, worldly. He had the dark tormented soul of a poet which was the entrapment but yet I was bound by his wonder in finding beauty in almost everything around him and in life.

I pushed. I pushed too hard on this brittle little flower and it crumbled into a thousand pieces. Just like my heart did when he left. I could not and would not go through that similar pain again . I am scared that this may happen with you if our one kiss turns into something flirtatious , lustful or wonderfl.

YOur age is another concern of mine, as is body image which is tied in together but also seperate. I will get to this later.

YOur age - you are the exact age of my Nathaniel (had he survived). He was stillborn. So technically, you ARE young enough to be my son.

I have two other children. They are of conscience here except in reference to body image and what happens after birth. Skin sags. Loses elasticity. Remindful of the stripes of a tiger. Breasts that were once full of life giving nutrients are now useless. Like half deflated balloons. I am all too painfully aware of these things

You are young. Alex you should be with young flesh. Not used and abused flesh like mine.

I find you wonderfully delicious. Something I could lustfully and lasciviously nibble upon and consume entirely. But for me there has to be more and I'm afraid that your young yet eager mind could not whet my mental appetite.

I write this at half eleven am. I finished work several hours ago and am due to begin again in 8 hours. Yet I cannot sleep. i think of you. Now this latter is writ and been purged from my soul I pray now for sleep.