Posts tagged ‘Mom’

I mailed my Dad’s Father’s Day card, which included my letter to him asking him to adopt me back, today.

Now I’m nervous, but it probably won’t even get to him for like a week or two. I’m contemplating asking him to let me know when it arrives before he opens it. I wanted tracking, but it was an extra £5, so I couldn’t afford it.

In other news:

I’ve had 3 of 6 counselling sessions with an adoption-trained counsellor. This is to meet the requirement for adoption-specific counselling to ask for my adoption file to be unsealed and given to me. I still have to come up with a good reason to want it. Any suggestions welcome.

I had an interview at a coffee shop near my house. I hear back about it on Monday. I also have another interview on the 6th. As nice as the coffee shop people were, I hope I get the one I interview for on the 6th. It pays better, and it’s office-based.

Which is especially good, because we had our financial low the other day. We ran out of food/money and had to visit the food bank. The people were nice, thankfully, and now we have some food. Yay.

I may, or may not, have my first breastfeeding counsellor client. I’m very happy I’ve had an enquiry, even if it doesn’t pan out. If it doesn’t pan out, that means she got the help she needs without me, and I’ll be glad for that.

I think that’s it.

Oh, yes, my mother finally responded to my asking if she’d ever want to visit me. She said she would, so, woot. Hopefully by next year (I’d love to have her visit over the Paschal Triduum) we’ll actually be living in a place that can host visitors.

Dom might be pregnant. He refuses to have any hope, but I can’t help but be cautiously optimistic. He’s gonna go to the crisis pregnancy centre for a test in a couple weeks if nothing changes.

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Why did you make me? I hate this. I’m all alone. You didn’t want me, no matter what you say. You gave me away, it’s obvious you didn’t really want me. I hate you so much, but I can’t help loving you. Why did you do this? Why didn’t you just have an abortion? It was 1987, you could have had one. Non-existence would be far better than this. I hate you. You left me alone. Why didn’t you get rid of me properly? Why did you do this? I don’t want this anymore. Why did you have me, only to leave me behind?

I’m sorry. I wish I could be good for you. I wish I could make you want me.Why don’t you want me? I’ll do anything, I promise. Please come back. Please make this all go away. I love you. I hate you. I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I always am. You left me, and it never goes away. I’m so alone. You still don’t want me. You’re gone, and I’ll always be left wanting you.

I hate you.

I love you.

Please come back. Please love me. I’m sorry.

Love always,

Your thrown-away daughter

“Don’t want to reach for me, do you?
I mean nothing to you.
The little things give you away.
And now there will be no mistaking﻿, the levees are breaking.
All you’ve ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you.
And six feet under water, I do.”