I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

You've spiralled off into overwhelming clarity of your entire situation. Time to breathe and just look down at your feet. It's all about one step in front of the other. Life can be very ugly at times, it's not perfect, we are not perfect. Don't look at the mistakes, look at what you have survived. You have enormous strength. You are the Angel who protects those babies.

Do you have someone you can speak to in RL or offer a break? What's the next step in your treatment?

I am looking at my feet and hoping they will get me through work tomorrow after what is likely to be a sleepless night. I know it doesn't help me to look too far back or too far forward but my failings are overwhelming tonight and my hope is waining. I dream of death, what a wonderful escape it would be. The possibility of never having to listen to the inside of my mind again makes me sweaty with relief. I am not for this world.

I will see my cpn tomorrow and it will be stressful as my 5 year old hears everything and my baby sits still for no one. There is no plan at the moment, they have given up.

Yes! It's the love for your children and the love they have for you that is the source of your strength.

You sound like a optimistic dreamer that's wandered into a nightmare. It's not to late to turn things around. You need to speak to someone. Mencap, Samaritans, a friend anyone who can just listen to you and help you organize and understand the thoughts in your head.

I have managed to escape reality today with a few pills and a feigned illness. Given me a bit of space from everything. Of course i cant imagine the devastation i would cause my husband and babies but life is just too hard.

Back on the rollercoaster today, drop kids off, smile, go to work, smile, do housework and dinner, smile, don't eat, pick up kids, smile, run 8 miles, smile some more. My immaculate shell is cracking and the toxicity from within is spilling out. My head is spinning. I need out.

Faith is mocked in my family. They believe in science, i have always thought the beauty in reality is enough. My reality now is ugly and harsh. I wish there was something more. I know they need me but i need a break. I am on my knees.

Made - I used to think my life was destined to be nothing but pain and suffering. It is easier to take just ONE day at a time. Don't think about what is ahead, or behind. Speak to someone you trust, a gp/friend/counsellor? You have beautiful children. Try to see a good life for your family, they need you.

Thanks keepnaan, i am going to try really hard this weekend to enjoy every second of them and leave the mountain of shit in my head to deal with on Monday. I do love them so much. I find evenings hard because i am without them.

I have told my cpn how desperate i feel today, i have laid it out there how weak i am and she cant do anything. There is no help, no hope. I'm going to close my eyes tonight and not wake up. I love my children so dearly, they are amazing but this is too hard. This pain is unbearable.