Saturday, November 26, 2011

All those that live are precious, amazing miracles. They each have been given a set of circumstances that they react to in their own way. And it makes all of them-all of you-worthy of nothing short of fascination.

Take random members of my family. There's my uncle, who I have always viewed as very calm and soothing. He's a free spirit, doesn't care about anything too much... And I haven't seen him since I was thirteen, I think. I'm filed with wistful affection when I think of him. As much as other family members are angry, I only remember good about him. And I want an uncle Jimmy hug and kiss.

Then there's my brother. He's thirteen now, and I've become almost a little afraid of him, but not really. I just think the world of him and want him to trust me explicitly. So I try harder than I ever have to be the right amount of funny and savvy. Of course, on base I'm with boys about five years older than him, and I don't have to worry-they love me. I guess I care so much about Andrew that I try that much harder around him!

Skip to my step dad. Okay. So much to sort through. He's my nemesis, but it's true that he isn't that smart. And people who have less than me break my heart. So I can't hate him. When I see pictures of him, something in me squeezes painfully. I want to hug him and thank him for his passion, even though it hurt me so much. At least he gave a fuck. He's only human. See what I mean? When you look at humanity, there isn't room for hatred. Just a sad, ancient pain.

And my mom? Fuck, I don't know. I remember a lively little woman telling me stories as I weeded the garden. I remember her eagerly explaining new Christmas traditions. I remember her love for literature, a love she passed on to me. I can recall her making beautiful projects, a lovely flowing rose colored dress for me. Laughing as my sister
And I cut out cookies. Playing songs as I danced. She was the heart of our home.

Last summer I destroyed her. Granted, I was reeling with the shock of her spiritual demise. I didn't know why I had lived a lie my entire life, especially one I hated so thoroughly. So I viciously rejected her, because I didn't understand.

Now my heart bleeds for her. My sweet mom, always passionate, caring for others... I ruined that. I made a sad, hollow shell. I'll never forgive myself for clinging to the man I found and walking away from the one woman who never spared loving me. Her whole life was about me. Thanks to social ideas, we didn't get the dream life she strove
To attain for me.

How about my own life? I'm stuck here with a boy I had to cut ties with because he is nothing like what I married. I'm a constant study for coworkers. I'll say, "I speak my mind," and then they tell me they already know, they watch me and they list of a few more traits I didn't realize were so obvious. Mostly, I've given up caring, living to achieve personal goals. I danced with a sailor last night, and he wanted to take it further. In the past, I would be eager to please my new friend. As it was, I've not been too active lately, so I was agreeable... But I realized I just didn't feel like it, and oh by the way, I don't care... I opted for singing at the top of my voice with one of my new best friends.

I like my singing friends. They are the kind I can be myself around. Colton and I, for instance, shouted lyrics just because we could, and I trust him literally more than anyone I know. My choir friends all try to get to choir early, because if we have time, we play guitars and song lyrics that make us grin like fools. My
New roommate was shy, until I started playing some Michael Buble, and now she is another best friend.

I guess I've been a little shocked lately at the events of this year. Aaron turned out to have a side that really hurts. Then, I met a group of people, and we became each others sport through the dramatic summer. We didn't all stay friends. In the end, it was down to myself and two men, and we formed a trio. Then one left for Texas. That was horribly painful, cause this training command is a harsh enviroment and you learn to lean on each other. Finally, the other man drifted away, and somehow even though I wasn't terribly close, that ended up hurting a lot more, and that pain engulfed me.

I've never had that happen before. It's not an obsession, but it's in the back of my mind and at the base of a lot of things I do. It makes me miss the old Aaron. It inspires art and writings that display raw emotion. Maybe it's the fact that I'm finally alive and I've never felt so keenly. I've been getting counseled by a military service, and it's done wonders. But some nights I wake up wishing I could go
Back to September, and the most complete days of my life.

And in the end, all this inside me comes together so perfectly. It creates a more wholesome me than has ever been assembled. It's fairly well balanced, secure, sad, wise, young, eager, apathetic, and content.

That's your irregular update on me. Go to town. I think everyone should be able to relate to something. I'm pretty typical that way. Scorpio!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Goodbye; stay golden" I breathe, as I turn away, ignoring the voice inside me begging me not to go.

It's November, a month of mystical ends and beginnings, a season if startling shifting. My heart is full, indeed I can't even begin to sift through everything that us transpiring there. A terrible beauty draws my curious soul.

You, my charming gigolo... In the spring, you came. Puling on heart strings. With a sweet song and innocent promise, you won me over unerringly. My fears melted in your arms. Your gaze steadily locked on mine, and I felt safe. You promised a season if memories.

And oh, the memories I am now the keeper of! Like a precious treasure I buried each one deep inside of me, and now and again they allure me into their wake. Your lips, soft and warm, whispering sweetness into my mouth. Your hands, by day strong against the asphalt track, lightly brush my skin. Your song, turning to a rumble within the body I embrace.

The places these moments took place. An isolated beach. A darkened room. A theater. At night, in a magical kingdom. In a sparkling sea of water, surrounded by creatures of the waves.

Emotions filled me to overflowing all summer long. The purest contentment, to be with you. An urgent desire to show you how much I cared. The comfort of your fingers interlocked with mine. The satisfaction of a reunion after a week of absence. The amusement of becoming Captain Jack and Elizabeth Swan, running drunk along the shoes of a sandy beach. The carefree pleasure of a day spent together.

These are the reasons this is not a bitter goodbye. When I am torn, throughout the long hours if the night that I cannot sleep, I bring those moments to mind. As I write away angry tears at your apathy, I smile at the gifts you left in my mind for life. When I cannot find it in myself to do anything but hate you for what you have done, I turn to the past and cannot do anything but love you.

You are my coal diamond. You are my troubling peace. You are my faithless devotion. You are me perfect contradiction. You are the safest danger. You are my broken wholeness. My screaming whisper. I will love you, never, and forever.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Puddles of charcoal in a burning room
I'm slow dancing
Coals glitter around me
I breathe in the toxic fumes
I love them.
No diamond here, just Ashes
My ember love

I can step out of this lethal fume
Into the clear night
See a midnight blue there
Touch the sparkling purity
Lose myself in the mythology
Of your vibrant soul

But I have too long embraced
This danger child
Now it's a smoking ruin
And still I lay in the debris
My bones are soft from soaking in you
Only because you saved me

From the brightest blood-red
That I wish I had never seen
I chose it out of the millions of timbres
The vividness winning over a melting caramel
Gloating over the death of my own
Luring me in with sensual dares

Now, here I am
Saturated in a life flow
There is nothing colorful about the blood that courses here
The gentle soft blue that is me
Fades into the oblivion of a whisper
I am becoming a ghost
But I've never been so alive

Vividness floods my vision
The rainbow dances about me
Warms my heart
They love me. Worship me.
Yet I have done nothing
I do not ask for their devotion
And now my job is to dance with every color.
Singing
Only a haunting echo.

-This is a writing about my colors. I don't know how to explain them, except that every person in the world has their own color, and I watch them. It's a sensory condition I live with. So each color I have written about is an individual in my life.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Eighteen thirty and we hit high gear
Dash to our barracks, change
Out of these uniforms into beach wear
Meet in the BEQ parking lot in ten.
We race each other. (I usually win).
Find that unremarkable Cobalt, and we're off.

Any working hour worries, frustrations, troubling thoughts
Are patiently discussed and resolved
You grumble. I sigh
Laughter invades the tensions
All negativity soars out the window
As we rush towards our destination

Topic turns to the people we know
You groan about Clemen's torments
Smugala's amused, "fucking Morris!!"
We eagerly plan the weekend surprise
In store for our friend Kersch
A night in a cabin and one on the beach
Ford reminds us of a tegu, running.

Then we sing. Not just any song
We sing of luck, and love
Get excited over cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
Dreams of dying are the best we've had
And Hakuna Matata is our motto.

A rabbit screams down the hole
You scream at Justin Bieber
We serenade Delilah in New York City
Our voices blend perfectly.
Nothing matters except this moment, now
So we grin at each other and keep driving
Till Perdito Key fades in the background
The sun fades from view

These are the moments that keep us
Fighting for our country
For our sanity
For freedom
Friendship
This is our song.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I thought I had left it there
Far behind, in the recesses of my darkest heart
Deep enough that I wouldn't feel it again.

Because I am not a woman; that is, my emotions are stable and justified, and I don't gasp and whine,
And I hate those nagging complaining bitches who do.

But I've been easily trusting
This entire life. Of people
I see their colors and know their intent.
I do not, however, have an explanation
For those who defy their own identity
And become something they are not.

And so, when I trusted you
I knew I would never regret it
And I swear, I don't.
Even now, as I fight these stupid tears
And try to run from the chasm

I feel myself falling inevitably into the pit if my stomach
Giving in just a little to the pain
Wondering what I did
To give you cause to shut me out.

Making myself vulnerable, unlike myself
By expressing this pain, screaming
Out loud in my journal
Just because it is the best way I know how
Other than a razor blade
But nothing is worth that.

Ah, I'm an emotional girl
In silly lovesick pain
Over a man
With a heart of gold
This canyon in my heart is the beginning
Of a very new and acute longing
That I embrace as a learning curve.

A lover, is what I do not need
I've loved too much
Everyone but myself.
I've lived until now for another
Unaware of my own needs.
But this is my season for me
It's my day
I'm running the chasm
And seeing what's at the bottom.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How do you think you have the 411 on me? I gave you a glimpse of a shadow, and now you think you know me. Fools. You don't know. Hypocritical, maybe because your relationship with your mother want a great one, so criticize mine like a pack of drama-hungry wildebeests. I can't even loathe you because I care that little.

And what's up with you, sailor boy? You really think I care about you? No, because to my knowledge you don't know the first thing about yourself. It sucks to be you, struggling to maintain your side of the war that you don't even know why you're fighting. So you think you can find solace and comfort in me, but you couldn't be further from the truth.

Oh, the rest if you, dancing a familiar waltz... I pity you with some minute degree of my being. How meaningful is the tune you dance to? Must be some killer of a song, but I see your sorrow and I know your restless spirit. And yet you continue to dance as the tears mingle with the blood that flows out of your soul with longing to pulse meaning.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Not because its far away, or because I don't have family here. But this is a training command, and not a good place to just hang out. My goal is to get out to the fleet and start doing the job I've been trained for.

This place has nothing for me. I have some friends, who can't wait to leave either. I spent a summer being completely content in this sunny place, and now I'm good to go. All that's left here now are sad reminders that summer is again gone, and that this year wasn't my year for love.

I get to go home for a week. While there, I intend to spend every spare minute with my little sisters and brothers. I plan to spend time with my mom, and work on our relationship. I wanna go back to my bar and see my friends. I've set my priorities. It's going to be a busy time, and a fulfilling one. When I come back, I hope that I will be rejuvenated and ready for another go. This time With the people who count behind me.

This is a part of growing up. Us Bennetts are late bloomers. But I've made much progress this summer. I made a new best friend who I value as much as family. I made choices I never thought I'd have to make. I've dealt with a past I regret. I've faced some demons and learned how to bravely laugh off the worst of times and actually mean it.

So here's to going home. In 12 hours I will be with my Robert and Lisa, and Emily shortly after. I'll post pictures, get ready to experience some Bennett Bunch crazy! We know how to do crazy. :p

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I don't know what inspires me to write to people who are dead. Maybe it's just cause you aren't dead to me. I never believed you were anything but a strong, undefeated champion of alive. That's what heroes do. They stick around forever.

If you were able to talk to me on the phone, we'd be talking about some different topics than we used to. Like boys, and jobs. Boring stuff. But somehow, I've gotten big like you, and started messing with grown up stuff. Silly me. I miss calling you to complain that my bike is broken, and dad won't fix it, or sighing about mom being pregnant AGAIN, while you had a mini fit of rage (Oh my god, again??!). You knew how to make me smile.

You would have been by my side last year, taking pictures as I swore into the Navy and my new future. And I kind of think you were anyway. I think you popped a button off your jacket when you were doing your bursting with pride thing. Ah Grandpa, I love you! You burst with pride just because I breathed. Because my eyes were blue. Because I could read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to you. Because I was a boss big sister.

I love knowing I was your baby girl. I snuck into your big, hardened heart (like a chief!) and melted it like no one had done, maybe ever. I saw you transform from a man of steel, from the beast that everyone respected, to the man that this little girl loved. You made me your life. I never felt threatened by the presence of little siblings, because you assured me that I was your whole heart.

I'm thinking about the times dad used to convince me that you weren't a good man, that you were someone I must avoid. He told me you were an alcoholic, a cynic, that you would only turn me off the path that was best for my life. You laughed him off, and I never once considered his words to be true. The only time I ever saw you dead serious was when you were telling me that I could be anything I wanted, and not to let anyone, even god, stand in my way. Because god wouldn't hold back what I wanted most. And it made more sense than anything I ever learned about god.

Point? You were the best man I ever knew. I've yet to find someone who will hold my heart as perfectly as you. You are in my heart, and I think of you daily. I love you, so so much, and if there is any way I can ever see you again, rest assured I will.

Music, the language when language ends,
That's what a wise man whispered into my ear,
The message that traveled to my soul.
I heard it through a mist of pain,
Tucked it away for later pondering
Wondered at the mysteries of song
Returned to my agony

One day, I emerged from that place
A trifle thinner, a great deal wiser
Saddened by histories of sorrow
I saw the world was a more beautiful place
Than I had ever imagined it to be.
Adventures beckoned eagerly
Comfort softly invited me in.
Happiness gave me a warm welcome
And a harmony drew them all to me.

Of music, I know little
I was transfixed by the notes that
So true to their own form,
Yet pulling each path into a chorus
That sings to me, speaks an anthem
Directly into my being
Until I ache with the wonder and love
That I have for this, the music of angels.
Lyrics echo long after the singer has gone
Working their magic in me.

For time, then, will I sing
Be moved to tears by the meaning
When life has no meaning,
You stir my emotions to an uprising
I reach new heights that top the mountains
Feel the fire in my blood
Rising up to sing a new song
Find within the strength to be
Something I could not have been before.

Ah, music, never leave me
Contentment rides with you
Wisdom is your friend.
Love is your unknown depth
The universe speaks your tongue
And me? I am your choir
The core of your existence
You are created in me.
A most beautiful thing
Powerful in me.
There's a song about that
You just have to find it.

Friday, November 4, 2011

It absolutely blows my mind, this off kilter being. Where balance is craved, but nearly impossible. It's an art, to sink down into the depths, and yet rise every time from it, like the phoenix. To embrace the flow and release on the ebb.

It takes someone of amazing strength to be content with the motion of our lives. To spend a period of time gazing into a set of young, brown, melting eyes and whisper, "I love you", and feel those words resonate in every fiber. More amazing, then, to feel autumn's chill and sigh into the breeze, "You are a good friend, take care of yourself" to the forlorn departing figure as they go on their merry way.

It is a mystery of life. Right up there with, why are we here? Friendships, relationships, have all the meaning and no meaning in this world. Acquaintances last for a season. Love is a faithless friend. What you saw as unbreakable? You broke single handedly. And you wonder why life is about balance.

I guess we are an unexplained race, like the deep, being, and unable to say why. We ebb and flow, come and go, come and go. And the waves that beat us so brutally become the gentle tides that rock us...

About Me

No, you can't stopThe motion of the oceanOr the rain from aboveThey can try to stop the paradiseWe're dreaming ofBut you cannot stop the rhythmOf two hearts in love to stay'Cause you can't stop the beat!

Friends

About the Artist

I live in a world full of fantastic color. My name is baby blue and feels like cotton candy. I have synesthesia, which is a rare sensory condition. ****
I love music more than anything in the world, probably because it is the music of angels :)****
Gandhi is my hero and my role model, although I don't agree with everything he said or did.****
I never really had a childhood, but I'm happy to announce that the child in me is now alive and strong!
You can read my story at http://pastflashes.blogspot.com/