I have gotten my epo shot and I’m flying like a kite, did all the bills, paid all the help and even delved into the taxes, if you can believe. But it was not long before the bad news came our way at 10 am.

My mother in law has passed away in her sleep. Turning our world upside down. I have no time to focus on me there are people to call, arrangements to be made.
But I still ponder how I am going to get through this, death is a little to close to home when you have white blood cell counts that make an aids patient look healthy. At first I say, I can not take the risk, and then I compromise be saying that I will not be in the receiving line for condolences. I will also wear black gloves to stop any kind of contact.

Do you think I should get a doctors note forbiding me to go to the funeral?

I am out of the hospital and home! I woke up to the sound of puking, but it was not from me but from my little princess. I think all the emotional separation has impacted her immensely. The day wore on with more throw up and soft bowel movements. I vow to call the doctor if it continues for more than 24 hours. Sure enough, last night at dinner the dinner table had a near miss.

Oddly enough I was glad to be home and purposely there to rock my sweet child to sleep, and attend to her feverish red cheeks. It totally distracted my own pain, that is now a constant reality for me.

In the hospital they want to know on a scale from o to 10 how much pain you are in. My answer now is 3 but in the lonely hospital with nothing else but myself to focus on was the same painful region an 8. Diversion is not a cure for me but definitely a good home grown remedy to cancer pain. You could say it was another form of negotiation, but not with the doctors, but within myself.

One other negotiation was that I allowed my child to use scissors real adult scissors for the first time. But not to cut an ordinary piece of paper, no much more significant. My Hospital Arm Band! It was a special occasion for both of us. Our little unforgettable moment. I have to make more unforgettable moments as soon as possible.

I have been blogging offline for two days, because I landed in the hospital unexpectantly. The reason is called

Neuropathy. I got a numb bottom right lip that grows per day to the size of a softball deep into my gums and the next

day the processes starts all over again. After a battery of scans and lung x-rays, I have baffled the doctors. No water

on the brain, no hot spots on the lungs. No Tia, or mini strokes. While they were scratching their heads, I was being

confined in prisoner like fashion. Don’t walk around un attended, and going outside for fresh air was unheard of.

I blew a gasket, and began my highly tuned negotiating skills to get myself back home in my own bed. This was not

a psych ward, and could not be kept against my will? right?

The Plan is to set up new radiation spots to help relive the pain, Neck, Ribs and a sundry of other small places on the hip. Otherwise I will live a life of pain killers and pray God understands that I suffer as Jesus did on the cross. I am not being over dramatic, I have a high tolerance for pain. But even I can not bear day and night excruciating stabbing pain. So the plan is to give me morphine pills and happy pills to change the disposition of the pain killers that give you an I “don’t care” in the world feeling.

Dexamethason better know to the Dutch as Laugh pills. Happy pills and Oxynorm 20mg every night, here I come.

I truly never wanted a single tattoo, but I am littered with them all over my chest. My friend calls me the Picasso breast. I don’t try to cover them up or get them removes I am not so superficial. But recently I have been approached from the make up person from the organization look good feel better who suggested I get my eyebrows permanently tatooed. I have heard of I liner ( images of Tammy Fay sit scare me).

But after I realized how often I re apply my eyebrow pencil, it might be cheaper in the long run. Not to mention the times I forget to apply and go out in public getting very unusual looks. “There is something missing, but I can’t put my finger on it” expressions that get shot back at me. These moments past and I am just curious if other have been approached or even thought about eyebrows tattooing.

Before Cancer I was raving maniac. I had a job as Marketing Project Manager for an Internet firm that was attached to a big telecom.( name left out on purpose). I had signed contracts for over 2 million and had just as big a budget.

I trimmed down my life after my first fight with cancer, I changed country, married the most caring man in the world, and became a College Professor, gladly giving back my business knowledge on newly stamped college students. This life change I thought would save me from cancer ever coming back, but unfortunately for me that was not the case.

I was over my 5 year goal and I rethought my ideas of having children before it was too late. As I was happily content on the thought of having a baby girl. But at 5 months pregnant, massive migranes started to occur. All the baby books agreed there is a 10 % chance of migranes in your 5th month.

No turning back now, bed rest was the advise, but after a month other oddities were cropping up. My brain could not command my head to lift off the pillow. Sharp pains when I would reach out to shake some ones hand. Bullet like slow mo pain would start in my eye and escape out of my ear/ back of the neck especially if I put my elbows on the table. With further investigation, my cancer was back. With my sweet unborn child still in my body, I recieved 3 light doses of chemotherapy 5FU and radiation , the Doc calling it a little Hiroshima.

The good news is that I have the most active healthy 3 year old you would ever want to meet. And she is one of the reasons I am still alive, because she exists. Along with a kind and understanding husband by my side, we battle life long chemotherapy and terminal cancer together. I needed more and I began to blog after having a year of chemotherapy with a milestone of over 100 chemotherapies while I was blogging, I searched for bloggers who has similar tag lines as mine and eventually formed a bond via motherswithcancer group that saves me daily from going crazy.

Just been out of touch for a while, and wanted to get everyone up to speed on what has transpired in the last 5 days.

I came back to bad news, and immediate action is taking place. Well as immediate as the socialized medicine system can do. I have been bumped to the top of the MRI list and am getting a new scan Sunday at 3:45 GMT. After waiting 5 months for my last scan and now getting two what I consider back to back inside of a month, makes me ponder the logic to the whole wait list system.

But apparently my blood level have skyrocketed ( see more on cancervisa) and I am scheduled to see a radiologist in the near future to examine the “growth” and determine the best approach to this aggressive cancer activity. I really am not looking for a chat session, and then tease me and call me back later. Filling my head with bad news and waiting with anticipation until they can do sims ( simulations) and finally get to the radiation.

I guess I want to let go of the formalities, and get down to why we are there in the first place. I’d be just peachy if I got a 5 minute consultation before I hit the sims and be Zapped that same day. I am aware of the dangers, can we just get on with this please? You can see I have been around the block a few times with radiation, and I have had my red chest marks to prove it. So for those who wanted to visit and catch up with each other in Texas at the Dallas YSC conference, I’ve had to give back my scholarship and still fighting the travel insurance company to get my ticket refunded. Just a bit annoying at best, compared to what awaits me. RADIATION ugh.

Yes our trip was everything we wished for except Madison Ave. We were snowed in! We dreamed of a white Christmas and we got it. Debunking our plans to go to NY NY. My brother is having small TIA’s which are strokes, and a larger one has arrived on the scene making my worrying go into full throttle. At first the thought was that it was a tumor lodged in the back of the neck, ( exactly where my met tumor sits) but his symptoms were much different than mine, and I don’t play Doctor, I waited with baited breath for the scan results to come back relieved that it was not cancer. Of course his health will never be the same again, He has lost his Health virginity.

I look back at my own day when my health virginity was lost. You rationalize that you will just have to do what the doctor says to get through it. But you don’t realize the repercussions from these “past the point of no return” day. Health is such a fragile thing, one day you have it and the next day it is gone, and gone for good. He was lucky not to get paralysis and only inverted vision, yes the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling. But like me, he never knows when the next attack will happen, and he will be on life long medication to tame the beast with in him.

He realized that his body is doing this to him, not a car accident leaving you incapacitated but your own body giving you a one two knock out. I struggle with the same issues of why, but that can in itself make you crazy, and a light switch goes off in side you understanding what are the important things in life… instantaneously changing your focus, outlook and very fiber of your own existence. I saw a warming, a new rationalization of not sweating the small stuff, I smiled with admiration through his personal catharsis. I am proud to know such a good hearted person who happens to be my brother.

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