Alright, shaggers. The lads at Foul Entertainment said I should come and do a blog. I said I was too busy shagging. And I was. Then they said something about meeting a deadline, but I was too busy to remember when that was (Shagging). Apparently it was today. So I'm gonna just talk about clubs for a bit, then get back to better things (More shagging, etc.).

Nightclubs

I very rarely go to nightclubs any more. Back in the late 90's, it was THE best place to go on a hunt for fanny. It was guaranteed shag city. You could walk in there, have a bit of a dance and let everyone see your cock through your trousers.

The thing with showing off your member is you either needed half a teacake or you needed to strap a cucumber to your leg before you went out. If you didn't you just looked like Tom Cruise standing next to The Rock. The wrestler, not the film.

Image Credit: themoviebit.com

Pictured: Tom Cruise and the Rock

These days it is the worst place on earth to go. All the blokes look like women with giant muscles and all the women hunt in packs for morons to buy them drinks. I have never been one for buying drinks; I am old school. If a bird wants to shag me, she wants to shag me. If she doesn't, I won't be pressured into spending my hard earned. I will do the honourable thing and move onto a fatter woman, or pretend I was a pilot.

Image Credit: topgunday.com

It worked for this prick

I remember once, there was this bird in the club that I really wanted. She had everything; tits like space hoppers and erm... legs. Probably, I dunno, I only looked at her lills. Anyway, she was getting lots of attention. It was a pound a shot and everyone was smashed, so I needed to pull something special out of the bag (Something that wasn't my dick). I repositioned my cucumber, wiped my shades and approached those beautiful, massive tits of hope. “Alright bab?” I enquired with a cheeky glint in my eye. I knew then that it was going to be a battle, so I threw out my best line. “Did you grow them tits yourself? They're fucking massive, I would love to lamp one right in between them bad boys. Did you know I used to be a soldier?” Needless to say, she came home with me.

Fan Clubs

Back when I was a lad, I was in fucking loads of clubs. Sports clubs, chess clubs, craft clubs; The fucking lot. But now, I am in just one. It's a club dedicated to the clubbing of a baby Seal. Now I know what you are thinking, old joke get the fuck out of here, but oh no. This is an all new one! It's me and Tone, we're trying to invent a time machine. The reason for this is thus.

Image Component: flickr.com

It's still early days. Tone still reckons we should use a 1967 Jensen Interceptor, but I reckon he's talking shit.

In early 2004 me and Tone met a bird at a bird sanctuary. Now we didn't know that it meant feathery birds and not birds with tits, but anyway I digress. She promised us a threesup the next day, but then that evening she met fucking Seal and ended up marrying him! All we need is that Time Machine, give him a good clubbing and Tone's your uncle! We get our threesome with Heidi FUCKING Klum! I've never forgiven Seal, for that or for Kiss From a Rose!

Fan Clubs

When I was a kid, I was a member of Rolf's cartoon club. I sent off £3 and a stamped addressed envelope and he sent me back a load of shit. I tried to draw; I couldn't, so I joined Timmy Mallet's fan club. At least he didn't put as many kisses at the end of the letters he sent. I don't have a fan club, but if you want me to solve your problems, or just want some advice about, well anything really, drop me an email using the link below.