Mayor Larry Vaughn Declares Amity Island A Safe Sanctuary City

Amity Island Mayor Larry Vaughn spoke with reporters today about the recent spike in missing people, stabbed and raped beach goers, and the occasional pressure cooker bombings that have plagued this small island tourist destination in recent weeks.

Vaughn declared Amity Island a sanctuary city last year, and also began accepting un-vetted refugees early last year. Vaughn called a press conference today to assure locals and tourists that the recent changes in policy are unrelated to the recent “temporary” spike in incidents, and that everything should be fine from here on out.

“I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, caught and killed a large predator that supposedly injured some bathers. But, as you see, it’s a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a wonderful time. Amity, as you know, means ‘friendship'”, said Mayor Vaughn.

Amity Island Police Chief Martin BrodyVaughn was flanked by Amity Island police Chief Brody when a local resident who lost her son recently approached and slapped Chief Brody saying, “I just found out, that a girl got killed here last week, and you knew it! You knew there was a terrorist out there! You knew it was dangerous! But you let people go swimming anyway? You knew all those things! But still my boy is dead now. And there’s nothing you can do about it. My boy is dead. I wanted you to know that.”

In an unplanned live mic moment Chief Brody was heard suggesting to Mayor Vaughn that they should consider closing the beach until all of the illegal aliens and un-vetted refugees could be rounded up, Mayor Vaughn appearing unreceptive to the suggestion said to Brody, “Martin, it’s all psychological. You yell undocumented guest, everybody says, “Huh? What?” You yell illegal alien, terrorist, we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.”.