I hurt myself today to see if I still feelI focus on the pain the only thing that’s realthe needle tears a hole the old familiar stingtry to kill it all away but I remember everythingwhat have I become? my sweetest friendeveryone I know goes away in the endand you could have it all my empire of dirt

I will let you down I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar’s chairfull of broken thoughts I cannot repairbeneath the stains of time the feelings disappearyou are someone else I am still right herewhat have I become? my sweetest friendeveryone I know goes away in the endand you could have it all my empire of dirt

I will let you downI will make you hurt

if I could start again a million miles awayI would keep myself I would find a way

They (whoever ‘they’ may be) say “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” It requires a mercenary perspective on relationships. They become somewhat transactional. You start to equate things to a spectrum of how much pain you are likely to experience within the confines of those relationships. And sometimes the lines are blurry between friends and enemies that wound you. Not to mention who we inflict our wounds upon. So in a sea of friends and enemies, you learn to take the good with the bad. You learn to manage a set of expectations around certain relationships. You learn the habits of insecurity or oblivion, or you learn when to say. Sometimes you choose the higher value objectives, the long term, the bigger picture, the end results. You adjust yourself to the circumstances and overlook what shouldn’t matter but inevitably does. You get a little numb around the edges. Sometimes you get a lot numb.

So on the days when you get hurt, let down, bruised. Caught by surprise by the sudden callousness, reminded that some friends momentarily can be brutal, can be cruel. When the numb ache is replaced with a sharp sting, you have to re-focus. Small things, small neglectful actions that happen without words, without acknowledgement. They happen in a moment of carelessness, but they arouse suspicion where there should be none, betray trust where trust is fragile to begin with.

It’s a choice, you know. To keep the secret, secret. To allow it to just be silent, to be passed by, passed over, unquestioned. That would be keeping the eye on the bigger picture. That would be focussing on the main agenda. But wonder starts, and the secret heart steps back and niggles, it whispers ‘stay wary, stay safe.’

And this is the way of Love. It asks to be vunerable, demands to be led out into the wide open spaces, where nothing is numb. Where pain as sharp as bloodstains is as welcome as light that’s warm and whole. A wholehearted wide open life demands Love that’s brave, and wears it’s timidity honestly.

So here I am, trying to keep my eyes wide open, and my heart laid bare. Terrified that I’m far too vunerable for caution. Fearful that common sense has been left far behind, because I’ve already signed the papers and made the deals – and now I’m committed to the Hurt. No matter what we do, no matter how far it goes, you can hurt me. You can let me down. I’m no longer numb. Friendship is about to be redefined and driven to the edges of space. Will I keep these secret wounds?

I’m looking for…

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