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Vegans

I was sitting at a bar last nite and within three minutes the lady next to me told me she was a vegan. She spent the next ten minutes talking about food. Then about Whole Foods. After that about a macro-biotic diet that means you will never die. But I like the lady, otherwise I would have moved to the other end of the bar. They weren’t talking about food down there. They were talking about all the things you do that don’t involve eating or cooking or shopping at Whole Foods.

The funny thing about vegans is that while they never shut up talking about food you can’t talk about food because if you did you’d mention something offensive and they’ll make that disgusted Vegan face and start talking about their food even more. It’s like talking to hardcore Christians and mentioning Jews which makes them talk about Christianity even more. You can’t stop them.

Christians don’t party, though. Not like we party. But vegans, if you can get them to stop talking about food for a minute, will party. That’s why they’re fun. But then they’ll smoke pot, and get the munchies, and start talking about food again. And I start looking at the other end of the bar, where omnivores are talking about everything under the sun and laughing. Laughing. You can’t talk about organic produce and laugh. Vegetables just aren’t funny. You can’t talk about fruit and laugh. Fruit’s not funny. Except for bananas. Banana peels are funny. But nobody eats banana peels. Not even Vegans. Not even raw foodies. Not even Fruitarians like Sky Saxon, who said God spelled backwards is dog.

But Sky probably did smoke a banana peel or two in his time. You don’t write a “Mr. Farmer” high on life.

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My latest writing at: Brick Wahl

The good news, my doctor told me, peering over my xrays, is that my hips are in good shape, sparing me the embarrassment of having oldpeopleitis. Bad news is my lower back is an arthritic mess, a result of decades of heavy lifting gnarly dudeness, four decades almost of seizure meds, once being the only […]

My new and excruciatingly dull mellow epileptic lifestyle is so teutonically ordered that the creative Irish half is getting surly and bored and would really love some whiskey. Es tut mir leid Nelligan, that’s not in the budget this month. Nelligan loathes Herr Wahl and his perfect budget and organization and bill paying. Hates all […]

My latest writing at: Brick's Politics

Ghosting. ‪A millennial thing that boomers and GenXers are so appalled by. Take this job and shove it. We’ve all sung that quietly to ourselves at some shit job. But that’s all we ever did, sing it to ourselves. Some millennials just have the nerve to actually do it. After all, corporations have been doing […]

Thrilled to see we won the House in a blue wave, despite James Carville. Did better than I thought in Senate, and way better with governors. Can’t wait to see state house results. I thought Nelson would and Gillum might win, sad, thought Kemp’s suppression would work, it did (decisively), and thought Beto would lose […]

My latest writing at: Brick's History

As 19th century oratory, the Gettysburg Address was a failure. Lincoln himself said so as the weak and scattered applause subsided. But when printed on the front page of papers all across the North, it was a gem. Perfect. Poetic. Memorized and recited by everyone from politicians to preachers to schoolchildren to soldiers. It still […]

(March 5th, 2017) Stalin died on this day in 1953. It was a peaceful passing, in his own bed. His corpse was embalmed and treated and put on display next to Lenin’s, and the people passed by in their hundreds of thousands, never realizing till then just what a little guy–five foot four inches–Stalin had […]

My latest writing at: Brick's Science

Turns out that the word helicopter is made from the the classic Greek stems helico, meaning spiral, and pter, meaning winged, as in pterodactyl or pterosaur or pterpaulanmerisaur. Which means that helicopter should be pronounced helicoter, long o, silent p, which will make you even more irritating to your friends. Try it next time one […]

I suspect that most verbs began as nouns verbed and an ungodly number of nouns were once verbs nouned and not once but sometimes many times this renouning and reverbing takes place, leaving dictionaries a record of wanton anarchy and the decline of values over and over again.

My latest writing at : Brick's Brain

So I just spazzsplained a memory lapse to someone. It was a long windy paragraph and she listened, too polite to interrupt. I finished and there was a long second, then another, even longer, and then she asked if I meant that it was on the tip of her tongue? Um, yeah, I said, that’s […]

Sometimes when I try to say pharmacy I stutter. If I say farm I don’t stutter. My wife asks if I can say pharmacy if it’s spelled with an F. Farmacy I say. And if it’s spelled with a Ph? I stammered. So you don’t have a problem if it’s misspelled with an F? Apparently […]