Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to take time this Christmas Eve to wish all of you, Most Dearest Reader Friends, a happy, safe and Merry Christmas.

As you’re out dashing through the snow to grandma’s house, please be careful. You don’t want this to be you:

Not driving? Riding your horse through the sagebrush instead? You be careful too:

Note: I have it on good authority that the World Order of Squirrels (WOS) bribed the artist to put in a jackrabbit instead of the squirrel that actually caused this accident. That’s right, the rabbit was framed!

Also, remember that you don’t have to go out looking for Santa:

If you’ve been good, he’ll show up bearing gifts:

(Unless, of course, he’s been kidnapped by the WOS and then we’re all screwed).

Seriously, this wallet will eat your face while you’re asleep. Or, it will open a portal to hell, as happened in the classic 1987 film, The Gate. Either way, if you receive one of these you should be afraid. Be very afraid.

Speaking of eating, if you’re planning on having lobster for Christmas dinner, keep an eye on it so that it’s not liberated by a mouse:

Little known fact, in 1872, the mice and lobsters of the world met in Bar Harbor, Maine and signed The Great Rodent-Crustacean Pact, wherein the mice agreed to rescue any lobsters on land and the lobsters agreed to rescue any mice at sea. That’s why lobster is so expensive; restaurants have to pay for extra guards. And that's also why you never hear the phrase “drowned mouse,” only “drowned rat,” because the lobsters don’t let the mice drown. True story.

But, that’s enough history for today; it’s Christmas!

I hope it’s lovely and filled with pink angels and baby animals (yes, even squirrels) for all of you!