Actually, "O" is for oral - but my assistant thought that headline might be too risqué. Clearly she needs to spend more time in my inbox, but oral is pretty tame. I'm a day behind on my A to Z of Advice (but I figure one day won't kill you love fools) so let's make this short and sweet.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I get a lot - and I mean a lot - of questions about lingerie. Like, whether you should wear a teddy to bed, or a leather body suit. Really?

Personally, I'm partial to leather. This once, after a little too much whiskey, I ordered something pink and frilly from Victoria Secret... er, never mind.

Anyway, I've never seen much purpose in lingerie (it just ends up on the floor anyway), but I say, go hard. Unless, of course, you have the same problem as "Mindy" who writes:

"I bought a sexy negligee. It didn't do anything for my husband. He told me he's just not into lingerie. Now what?"

Seems pretty straight forward to me. Don't wear it.

Yeah, yeah, lingerie makes you feel sexy, what about your needs, blah blah blah. Bloody hell, you can't force what isn't there. If you wearing a negligee doesn't turn your partner's crank, get over it. Doesn't mean you can't throw it on, if it's that bloody important to you. But don't turn it into a dramatic sob story about how he doesn't love you, doesn't think you're sexy, on and on and on. He does. You are. He's just not that into lingerie. Don't read it into it.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

I make no bones about the fact that I don't get "love" - or even romance for that matter. If I'm getting naked for you, there's no need for candles, Barry Manilow or strawberries and whip cream. (Though, if you've got a roll of those Sweetheart candies, you might get to the end zone a little faster.)

Lust. Yeah, I get lust. I'm more interested in having sex than having conversations. I'm fixated on looks - no ugly guy is getting in my bed. And if you're into cuddling, I'm not the chick for you.

But every day, someone asks me this question:

"How can I tell if I am in love or lust?"

Bloody hell. I have no idea. And unless you're scheduled for a hit with my red arrow, I don't much care either. I'm not a doctor and won't assess your symptoms - but in my opinion, anyone who thinks they're in love needs to see a shrink, not email me.

Friday, April 12, 2013

I'm going to assume we're talking about a kiss on the lips here, otherwise my response would be a whole lot different.

Here's the variables:

a) Open mouthed or peck?
b) Random or planned?
c) Would you consider it cheating if your guy kissed another girl?

If the answer to C is yes, then it's pretty straight forward.

In my opinion, a kiss is nothing to get worked up about - unless it leads to the stuff that you should get worked up about. Either way, you have to come clean with your guy. My guess is, he'll have his own opinion about whether or not you cheated.

We're not even half way through this damned A to Z Blogging thing, and I'm already bored as crap. All of the questions in my inbox are starting to sound the same - and there's only so many times I can say "dump him/her." But this question is different. My answer is simple. And blunt.

"I'm 22. The girl I like is 15. My friends call it stupid. What do you call it?"

Jailbait.

You're not really going to go down this road, are you? What could a 22-year-old guy possibly see in a 15-year-old girl? I don't get.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Ha! Finally a question I can wrap my head around. No love fool sob story, not a question I've heard a number of times. Straight up lust.

"How can I be more imaginative in the bedroom?"

I love this question.

But, yeah, I have no idea how to answer it. Without going into your bedroom history - and trust me, I don't want to go there - I don't know what you're already doing. I could offer up all kinds of standard responses - like, role playing, using toys, watching porn together, blah blah blah.

Really, it's about knowing your partner and trying to figure out what turns him/her on, and discovering your personal boundaries as a couple. Without going all 50 Shades of Whatever. Unless of course, that's your idea of imagination.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I'm not sure how often you want me to repeat myself, but here's the bottom line. LOVE BITES. Bet you can guess what my answer to this love fool's question is:

"I want to commit to my girlfriend, but she has a habit of hurting guys. I don't want to get hurt."

Well then, idiot, move along.

She has a habit of hurting guys. This statement alone should be enough for you to be wary. The fact that it isn't kind of makes you an even bigger love fool than the rest of the people who ask my advice.

Look, it's your call. You can trust this chick and risk getting hurt. Or, you can forget about her, find someone with a less scarred reputation, and risk getting hurt.

Love's a risk. Chances are, you're going to get hurt. Trust me, you don't have that problem with lust.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Like: No glove, no love.
I thought this would be self explanatory, but I have a few questions that go like this:

"I don't want to get pregnant. What can I do to prevent this?"

You mean aside from abstinence, right? Because that's pretty much the only FOOL PROOF method of not getting knocked up, unless of course, you want to go down the "immaculate conception" route with me - which I can almost guarantee you would not like to do.

So let's pretend a vow of celibacy isn't what you're looking for. Girls, get on the pill. Boys, cover that thing. Not only will you be reducing your chances of being parents, you limit the risk of those nasty STDs.

Yeah, I know, love bites - but it will bite harder if you're not careful.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Bet that wasn't at all the "E" word you thought I was going to use, huh?

About one third of the questions I'm asked every week have to do with significant others who are indulging in "extra curricular" activities. Since "douchebag" isn't a strong enough word for cheaters, I figured I'd tackle this question from

"Kevin"
(which is a paraphrase from at least a couple hundred of your questions...)

"I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man. She wants another chance. Should I give it to her?"

Another chance to what? Try out your best friend this time?

Seriously, dude, are you so blinded by love that you're willing to give this chick another shot? Once a cheater, always a cheater, I say. Get out while you still have some of your self worth. If you choose to stay, that's your mistake.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Does he do douchebag things? Do you often find yourself muttering about him under your breath? Have you ever shouted the words, "You're an asshole!"? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are fairly high you could be married to a jerk.

But hey, look on the bright side. We all have jerk tendencies. If his is too high, maybe find yourself a dude with a lower douchebag ratio? Bloody hell - I don't know.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Call me stupid, but I am continuously amazed by the number of people who ask my advice about sex. I'm cupid, not Ann Landers. Hey, I get it, love bites. That's practically my mantra. But in my opinion - and yes, you asked for it - love and sex are are NOT the same.

I get lust. You other love fools scare the shit out of me.

But as my ever-proper assistant reminds me, I'm not allowed to censor. Which is a bold faced lie since she makes me censor my response.

Anyway, here's the celibacy question that keeps popping up in my inbox.

"My girlfriend wants us to take a one year vow of celibacy so we can decide if we're meant to be together. What should I do?"

Looks like my inbox isn't the only thing popping up. Ha!

So, you mean to tell me that after you've done the nasty, your girlfriend wants to put a cap on it? Either you suck, she's seeing someone else, or the chick is crazy. Who does that? Bloody hell.

I've heard of people waiting until marriage before getting busy, and hey, if that's your gig, all the power to you. But I can't think of one good reason to stop the action after you've already gone down the garden path. Sounds a little suspicious to me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Ever since that ridiculous "50 Shades of Whatever" book, my email has been flooded with all kind of questions about bondage. You all never heard of S&M before that book or something? Come on.

It's none of my business but since some of you want to make it my business, here's my advice to "Sammy" whose question mirrors about 100 of yours:

"My boyfriend likes when we use bondage in the bedroom. What do you think?"

What do I think? Kinky.

Look, if bondage is what floats your boat, go for it. Does it feel good? Do you like it? If yes, go hard. It's a free world. Just keep it in your own bedroom, because no one else needs to see that shit.

But if the idea of bondage doesn't excite you, well, then don't do it. Simple as that. And, if your significant other insists, dump the loser. Anything you do in life should be based on your personal comfort zone - sex, especially. If handcuffs and neckties around your wrists don't turn your crank, doesn't sound like a relationship you should be tied to. Ha.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Put your eyeballs back in your head - yeah, it's me. Back from the blogosphere black hole. I don't want to hear about how I've been slacking, how your stupid love questions are piling up in my inbox, how you've been waiting not-so-patiently for me to respond. Just shut it.

I've heard it all - and then some - from my assistant, Heidi.

You can actually thank her for my resurface. That and this Arlee Bird character, who apparently started this crazy A to Z Blogging challenge. Heidi figured this would be a great way for me to catch up on some of your questions. Yay.

Gag.

Like I don't have enough to do.

Anyway. Thoughout the month of April, I'll be dishing out my wisdom in the form of a Dr. Seuss book. Ha. Not likely. But I will be following the letters of the alphabet. So like, L is for Lame and P is for Pathetic. Or something like that.

Jagger Valentine

Forget the economy, these are times of romantic recession – I ought to know. As the first female Cupid, EVER, the proverbial “torch” was passed to me in Hollywood, where the paparazzi have as much control over happily-ever-after as one of my arrows.