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Bushfires Keep Us Warm Says Tony Abbott

Intensely out of control summer bushfires raging through the countryside have the added benefit of keeping us warm, said Warringah backbencher Tony Abbott in a speech to the Global Warming Is A Hoot Foundation in London.

“There’s nothing better than a lovely toasty bushfire to chase away those post winter blues,” said Mr Abbott to an audience of climate change sceptics. “I also think the health benefits of spontaneous human combustion have been ignored for far too long. I’ve never seen a person bursting unexpectedly into flames ever stop their screaming to complain about the cold.”

In his speech, the former Prime Minister extolled the contribution that volcanic eruptions make to lowering the number of people who die each year from freezing to death.

“A volcano going off up your clacker is a sure way to survive even the toughest snowstorm,” said Mr Abbott. “Those lucky people in Bali won’t need to rug up this winter, not with their homes being centrally heated by glowing red gobs of superheated magma.”

Mr Abbott has also softened his views on marriage equality, saying that he supports not only the traditional definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman, but also favours allowing a man to get married to a lump of coal.

“I think if a man loves a lump of coal very much they should be allowed to express that love without facing prejudice from the rest of the community. I’ve been in bed with the coal mining industry for years and I don’t feel like a weirdo at all.”