Love, like all human experiences, begins with creating an internal biochemical representation of external stimulus. Love usually starts with a look because sight is the sense humans reliably trust and use the most in assessing things, especially other humans. Sight, like imagination, begins in the occipital lobe (back) of the brain. Like any other visual cue, the information goes from the occipital lobe to the thalamus, which is the cloverleaf for the brain’s information highway. From there, it spreads to a variety of other areas, one of the most important being the medial insula. The medial insula is highly connected to all sensory areas of the brain, and is the reason you get butterflies in your stomach when you see the person you are falling in love with. The signal then travels to the striatum, the anterior cingulate gyrus, and the nucleus accumbens, which make up the basic parts of the reward/behavior system. These regions are responsible for the passion that accompanies love and creates that euphoric feeling. The anterior cingulate, and the nucleus accumbens, contain high concentrations of dopamine receptors, which are the reason you just cannot get enough of this feeling.

Dopamine is the brain’s feel-good drug of choice and the brain is a dopamine addict constantly on the stroll. The same brain regions activate when you are in love, that activate when you use euphoria-producing drugs. So love has the same euphoria producing addictive qualities as drug addiction. Dopamine is not only linked to love, it is also linked to sex, which is why sex is a feel-good exercise. If sex did not feel good, why would you do it? Take away the feel good and what do you have — a bunch of sweaty, messy nonsense. Take away the euphoria factor in love and you have even less.

Aside: However, if you could remove the dopamine factor from love and sex, it would solve a myriad of political problems. Birth control, abortion and gay marriage would not be issues — if sex and love did not feel good.

Anyway, evolution tricks us into breeding and coupling by making sex and love feel good. Love combines an increase in dopamine with a decrease in another neuro-modulator, serotonin, which multiple studies link to mood. Studies have shown that the early stages of love result in a depletion of serotonin that is similar to the levels commonly found in patients with obsessive-compulsive disorders. This makes perfect sense, because love is an obsession, especially in the early stages when you just cannot think about anything else until he or she calls, texts, or shows up at your door. The early stages of love also increase nerve growth factor. The concentration of nerve growth factor appears to correlate significantly with the intensity of romantic feelings. How poetic, the more in love you are, the more nerve you have — and don’t we all know it. So now we know how it happens in the brain, the next logical question is why we are attracted to a certain type.

Most people have a type, and thereby more likely to fall in love with a person who fits that ideal. How does our brain create that ideal? Parental influences, cultural norms, genetics, and epigenetic factors shape our perception of Mr. or Ms. Right.

It happens because of the way the brain processes visual stimulus. It starts out in the occipital lobe, is then thrown to the thalamus and spun out to the reward/behavior center and certain sensory hubs as we said earlier. Therefore, you are on a dopamine and sensory sensation high. Then the signal goes to the amygdala, which is located in the heart of the old mammal brain, and responds to fearful situations.

Studies have shown the amygdala deactivates when people see people they love, or watch porn they like. This decrease also happens during male ejaculation and female orgasm. This deactivation implies a lessening of fear. Fear is essential to humans. Fear keeps us from doing things like running across busy freeways at night. Hence, the amygdala’s motto is, “survive now, ask questions later.” The amygdala is a subcortical structure. When this part of the brain reacts, it takes the prefrontal cortex, which is the newer more developed thinking part of the brain, offline. It makes sense. When immediate survival is in question, you want to do, not think.

The individual brain is always more loyal to the individual than it is to the species, whereas the collective brain is more loyal to the species than it is to the individual. The fear of not breeding is a species-wide survival-driven fear and a much deeper instinct in humans than the individual expression of sexual erogenous tendencies. Second to the need to feed, the need to breed is the cardinal human concern. Whether we are homo-erogenous or hetero-erogenous is a complex result of the manner in which individual nature and nurture interdigitate. Thus, it is an individual concern. We are human first, individuals second. However, the individual brain is highly adaptive and constantly consolidates and simplifies information, whereas the collective brain is less dynamic in that regard. So in the case of love, erogenous nature, and the need to breed, it is reasonable to suspect that individual brain consolidation goes something like this: 1) I am human I need to breed, 2) For various reasons I am either more hetero-erogenous or homo-erogenous, 3) Let’s make satisfying number two equal to satisfying number one even if it is not in accordance with biologic reproductive function because doing so decreases stress, which increases my efficiency and translates into greater dopamine rewards — I’m in.

So when falling in love, the individual brain’s adapted fear of not breeding takes precedence over the social fears and moral judgments, which occur in the frontal cortex. That is why a good Mormon boy with homo-erogenous tendencies will follow a drag queen into Hamburger Mary’s on Tranny Bingo Night: the amygdala is deactivated, his normal fears evaporate, and the next thing he knows — it’s O-69…Bingo!

However, there is always a method and motive to madness. The patterns of activation and deactivation in the brain that make love seemingly irrational, serve the biological purpose of uniting unlikely pairs, thereby increasing variability in the species. As the Irish Potato Famine taught us, variability is a key concern in survival. The deep-seated human survival instinct to seek this variability, within the context of individual nature and nurture is what distinguishes Mr. or Ms. Right, from Mr. or Ms. Maybe, and Mr. or Ms. Almost-But-Not-Quite. It is also the reason the only thing worse than being in love is not being in love and why finding Mr. or Ms. Right is not much, but every little thing.

You do not have to search for Mr. or Ms. Right because love will find both of you. The Universe is like the IRS now that the government has computers. It knows exactly where everybody is. You just have to be prepared to recognize Mr. or Ms. Right and be ready to give love and receive love, which is curiously more difficult than it seems it should be. What it comes down to is this: like you know there is a sun, even when the sky is black and crying and you cannot see it, you have to believe in love even if you cannot imagine it, less on feel it. Most of all you have to trust in the wisdom of the Universe even though you do not understand the what, and the why, of that wisdom. Remain fabulous and phenomenal.

Hi Bill, I understand the rolls of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, adrenalin during the falling in love stage and even the roll of cortisol during an unwanted breakup. I also know that the male pickup artist community understands this and uses it heavily to manipulate women. Hell I used to do it until I became so ashamed of myself for using the tried and true tactics to manipulate these chemical responses in women with no intention of perusing long term.

What I don't understand is why so many men know this and so many woman remain unaware of it and still want to believe that this chemical / neurotransmitters reactions mean they are in love when it is nothing more than a manipulation by a man that understands how to create this response using pickup artist tactics.

You can look at dating sites and see thousands and thousands of female profiles that are looking for "The One" or "Mr. Right" and all types of things to that effect.

I have to wonder why the female mind is so much more susceptible to an addiction to these neurotransmitters than the male. They fall in and out of love over and over and over.

Thanks for taking time to comment. As for men being more knowledgable about the neurochemistry of falling in and out of love, I have no idea, but it rings curious to me... considering there would be no church of England, if Ann Boleyn didn't manipulate Henry XIII's dopamine in their relationship which is the quintessential example of variable reinforcement.

i suspect the difference you're talking about may be attributed to the differences in oxytocin and vasopressin receptors between males and females. Have a great day!

Hey Neil.. I would be interested in hearing more about these pick up artist tricks. I have a feeling I may have seen them, and let's just say I've got something I need to scrape off my shoe. Where can a girl educate herself. I'm a highly sensitive, INFP, anxious attachment (nice but neurotic) and I think it's time I learned how to see it before I step in it. Thx for whatever you can give up.

I've investigated these techniques in the past (when you approach 30 and realize that you don't even have an EX-girlfriend, let alone a current one, you get a little desperate to correct what you're doing wrong), and I can tell you that 95% of it boils down to helping men trick THEMSELVES into feeling more confident.

There's some sleaze there, too, but here's the thing: the worst thing it can do is make the guy using it seem more attractive (that is, after all, the goal). If you're going to get hit on, wouldn't you rather be hit on by people you find attractive? Also, if it doesn't work on you, it will just make the guy look like a jerk. Wouldn't you rather reject a jerk than reject a good person?

I agree that love will find both of you, but how do we know that whether out love is true? In the beginning, everything goes very well but in just a few years, all the chaos starts! When this happens, it somehow makes me feel that where the true love has gone? I would really like to understand love here.

everyone else in the world would appreciate that. I suspect it is habituation to the nerochemical responses of falling in love, and once that happens its business as usual, and as in any serious relationship, love or otherwise, the mantra is "drama and compromise" LOL. Thanks for taking time to comment. Have a great day!

...it might not find you at the same time it finds the person you're in love with, or it might lead that person to someone else.

I'm nearly thirty, and I've been in love many times. My problem is that nobody's been in love with me. Right now, I've had my fill with false hope, and I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that I'm just an evolutionary dead end. If I were attractive, I would have attracted someone by now. If I were desirable, I would have been desired by now.

I am a very attractive man. 6' tall, blue eyed blonde. 185 lbs. 6 pack abs and a very symmetrical face. I am also a business owner. I have had women cry at my feet. I get looked at all the time and women will jump into bed with me in a minute. They have fought over me in nightclubs when I was younger. Ran me off the road, smashed my windows out and even had one pull a gun on me.

I really can't remember a single woman that would just sit and listen to what I had to say long enough to get to know me. They seem to be content just to parade me around and show me off to their friends. They get mad if I ever say no to them for anything.

I feel like I am nothing more than a piece of meat to the women. I have been cheated on all my life by women and want to try to develop a friendship first. The thing is that good women just find it hard to trust me because it is easy for them to see the way other women treat me, and the best ones won't even give me the time of day.

I haven't dated in years because of it. Now people wonder what is wrong with me. When all I want is to be loved for who I am instead of what I look like.

I would love to be you for some time (maybe just a week or so) just to see what it's like.

Of course you want to be me, for longer than a week, trust me. I'm pretty and beautiful, you're just pretty. Pretty gets attention, but it can't keep it, but you already know that. And no matter how pretty a person is, somebody is tired of sleeping with them. But I'm guessing you got that text from the women that cheated on you.

I've been married 26 years (which in gay years is 584) to a man who fits your description of yourself, but fortunately for both he and I, the water runs a little deeper. And here you are dragging the cross down the Via De Las Rosas listening to the wood banging on the cobble stone, wishing you were an obese, black queen, that's been pressing 60 so long its pleated. What does that tell you? Apparently, from the tonality of your comment, nothing.

Well it tells me you need to land Flight 000 of Ego Air, arriving on time for Oblivious International, but you can't see the runway. Don't worry, I'm going to talk you down from the tower: It doesn't matter what people think about you, what matters is what you think about yourself.

Okay, now we're going to start the descent, While you were dragging that "no one will listen to me" cross, did you listen to any of them? Okay, now put the wing flaps down.... Don't worry we got you on the radar... it's going to be all right...

Did it ever occur to you that they could only parade you around like a piece of meat because you allowed it. There are no victims lollipop, only volunteers. Alright now turn on the fasten seat belt sign....

The problem is not how some women see you, because their reaction to your teutonic appeal, (and I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news) is not about how they feel about you, it is about how they feel about themselves. Okay start the descent... expect some turbulence but it should be brief...

it's heartbreaking that you are driven by such an externalized locus of control, which suggests, you don't don't believe you're as attractive as you say some women believe you are. Alright continue the descent... Can you see the runway yet son?

It's so sad that you're alone and experiencing such pain, I wish I could just give you a big hug and play some nice music for you. i am no stranger to pain, and your pain is very real, I get that. It's so prominent that you're not even aware that when you open your mouth your brain leaks. I have totally been there. Again, my heart goes out to you.

Okay, we can see you from the Tower... you're right over the run way.... put the landing gear down... No one is ever going to find something in you to love until you find it in yourself. Okay decrease the speed..... continue the descent.... Tell the flight attendants to return to their stations and fasten their seat belts.

You are as entitled your happiness as you are your misery. What is it about yourself that makes misery preferable to looking inward?

Okay set it down.... good... start to brake.... we got this.... Be pretty and beautiful cause in the eyes of the Universe you have the chance to be both...... Alrighty then.... Sweet landing... welcome to Reality.

After I looked this over, I realize your comment was directed at the person's comment before you not me... I decided to leave my response because minus the acerbic remarks of a highly-insulted, bitchy black queen, there are some relevant things that may help you get out of this romantic isolation.

Hi Bill, I grew up as an obese child that was beaten daily by my father and humiliated daily by my mother and siblings. I was always the one to blame for anything that happened. The day I turned 18 I was kicked out of my home and had to live on the streets. I left the state and without food the weight fell off and I became a mess. I lived on the streets and ate out of dumpsters.

I went to see my mother in the hospital last night. She was crying. She said to me "I'm sorry son. I bullied you when you were little"
I said "It's ok mom. I made it"

I am happy that you have overcome your earlier challenges. But that certainly explains, perhaps, why you may not feel as attractive on the inside as women find you on the outside. I too, was an obese child, with an early life history of sexual and emotional abuse, but my parents did not throw me out. After high school I went to college and in college during my sophomore year I lost all of my excess weight and went from receiving virtually little attention to receiving tons of attention like you. Regrettably, the pounds had gone away, but I was the same person. I too, used to think that attention was about me, and for years I thought and bragged about the time a rich old man bought me a sports car for letting him suck my penis one time. It was not that long ago that I realized how demonstratively sad and tragic that was. And like you, I had lots of experiences with girls and guys that I misinterpreted as being evidence of how good looking I was. So, I too, had a lot of trouble finding the runway to land my "Flight 000 on Ego-Air."

It warms my heart to hear that you were able to forgive your mother for your early abuse. After my father died, my other came to live with me for 20 years, the last 5 of which she was non-ambulatory. Realizing that what she and my father had done to me as child, like the attention I received in my 20's for my looks, was not about me was the moment I landed my plane. Good for you and thank you for sharing that. Have a splendid day Neil.

You deal with it by realizing that you don't want anyone who can not recognize your innate beauty, which all humans have, whether they are aware of it or not. if you're not getting water from a well... go to a different well. There's a woman out there that wants you as bad you do. Keep your head to the sky.

The older I get the more I am convinced that there is simply an element of luck in finding someone to love you. It is hard for me to accept that, because it implies we can't do anything about it, but that might just be the way it is.

I have always been attractive, fit, and thin. I am educated, from a good family, and I have lots of interests and many wonderful friends.

But I also have a husband who has never really desired me very much. Sadly, I've also had an affair with a man who found himself unable to leave his wife for me. There are several reasons why I'm not divorced (yet), but I sleep alone, I do everything alone, and I am terribly lonely.

I spend many a night wondering how I got to this place...and truly, I think it's just bad luck-of-the-draw.

"...She gets up and pours herself a strong one, And stares out at the stars up in the sky, Another night, it's gonna be a long one, She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry, She wonders how it ever got this crazy, She thinks about a boy she knew in school, Did she get tired or did she just get lazy? She's so far gone she feels just like a fool, My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things, You set it up so well, so carefully, Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things, You're still the same old girl you used to be..." Eagles

Our brains prefer situations that are familiar, and thereby comfortable. Just change "old girl" to "little girl" and think back, and you will find the answer to why you came to this place, remained in this place, and now need to leave.

I guess, the question is what is it about your marriage that keeps you there, is there something it provides, is that something, "it's what I know."