What once ensured that I sat at a table next to the teacher is now posted, Monday through Friday.

I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

At Last! A Worthy Adversary.

I have a new cube mate. Wide-eyed, wrinkle-free, possessing a pleasing and amiable demeanor, she now sits at the desk once occupied by Intern Boy.

Intern Boy will be missed, and it is only fitting that we take a moment or two to reflect upon him before we launch into our plan to mentally abuse the new intern.

Ahem.

We are gathered here, in the sight of our fellow workers – and well out of sight of Human Resources – to remember Intern Boy.

Intern Boy. What can be said about him that a thorough ransacking of his desk would not make clear?

He was neat, Intern Boy was. Pens in a cup, a calendar of the world’s best golf courses on his wall, IB sat with me at the end of the row, on the 48th floor, for six months, and yet how well did we know him?

Well, we know he enjoyed knowing where his pens were, and knowing what day of the week it was. That’s important, in an intern. A further review of his top drawer discloses that he enjoyed tiny paper parcels of salt and pepper, napkins from Starbucks, and the softgel tablets of a popular extra strength gas relief medication.

Intern Boy was polite.

Not once did I catch him in a compromising situation. Unlike work colleagues in my past, he was prompt, kept his pants on at all times, and never once asked to borrow money.

Intern Boy was an intern among interns, and the back of his head – the part I saw most – will be missed.

And now we have Female Intern, a clear-eyed, earnest, smiling woman who has assumed Intern Boy’s pens and gas-relief tablets. A half-day into our relationship, I can report that she walks upright, has perfectly sculpted eyebrows, and seems to have both a working brain and a sense of humor.

I would be interested to see what people gathered about me from my desk. Probably that I'm messy, it appears I have a thing for dragons (I don't!), I'm addicted to Diet Mountain Dew (true), and I still think its 2011.

I say use her to your advantage for a while. With your cunning, your devious mind, you may be able to use her as an office mole or at least for picking up your drycleaning. Save the crushing for a while. Let's see what mileage we can get out of her.

A couple jobs back we used to play pranks. We would tie a small container full of confetti to the latch inside the lift door of the cublicle shelf. It's our way of saying nice to have you on board. Or... better watch your back.

I'd play with her mind a bit. Move the pins just a bit. Take the gas tablet out of the desk, one at a time. Turn her chair to face out...you get the idea. You don't have to crush her; just make her very edgy, nervous.

Every time you said pens, I went to penis. I can't explain why, but also, IB took me to Irritable Bowel. It must be my current state of mind, which is suspect at best. I shall therefore cut this short and leave you with the infamous words of Billy Crystal, "Have fun storming the intern!"

Wait a second. You guys are afforded *pens* where you work? When I need a new pen I have to hunt for them on the ground in the parking lot. Seems pens are considered an "extraneous" expense at my current place of employment.