Horoscopes 3/25-3/31

We all have dreams, as big or small as they may be. Not all of them come true, of course, but there’s still value in having those aspirations, in having something to work towards. And, eventually, no matter how small your dreams are, odds are you’ll achieve at least one in your lifetime. This week, we’ve laid out exactly which dream that will be:

Aries

Not only do you win the World Series, but you do it all by yourself. It’s an unbelievable feat, powerful and haunting. Old men weep openly in the streets. A woman screams in Portland. Nobody speaks for a week. They more or less cancel baseball after that, though it isn’t a peaceful conclusion. Roving packs of former major-league players control the streets, unsure of what else to do with themselves. You’re forced to seal yourself up in your mansion, living in fear of the day that the last of the 1988 White Sox finally track your scent.

Taurus

You achieve the ultimate goal: climbing to the peak of Mt. Everest. Unfortunately, as soon as you reach the top, you trip on a rock, and accidentally begin to roll down the mountain. Fortunately, it’s a gentle slope. Unfortunately, it takes four days to reach the bottom.

Gemini

You meet the perfect new friend. You have all the same interests, hobbies, and look alike, to boot! Of course, the two of you soon become inseparable, spending every minute you can in each others’ company. One day, though, your husband references a conversation you can’t remember having. He mentions plans you’ve made. A joke or two. You feel dizzy. He suggests you get some rest, but you insist on going for a walk. It’s only when you pass your neighbor’s house that you hear the footsteps creep up your front walk. It’s your friend. You go to call out to her, but she’s already letting herself in. Watching through the window, you see your husband greet her with a smile and a kiss. “Hi honey,” you see him say. “Back so soon?”

Cancer

You find yourself trapped in an underground bank vault one day on your lunch break. You escape eventually, only to find that everyone else has been killed in an apocalyptic event. At last, the moment you’ve been dreaming of: you’re all alone. You’ve got all the peace and quiet you could have ever hoped for! Now, time to take out your incredibly thick and unbelievably delicate glasses and settle down with a good book!

Leo

A natural leader with a flair for the dramatic, you’ve always longed to win the role of Artistic Director at your community theater. It’s a testament to your leadership that the election is unanimous, and a testament to your vision that every single member of the organization winds up in federal prison for staging a coup against the United States government about six months later.

Virgo

At last, you’ve created order in this world! A place for everything, and everything in its place. No more messes, no more fights. Your organizational system takes care of everybody’s needs. Of course, it did take dozens upon dozens of wars to create your new world order. And, sure, you had to replace the people with mannequins and marionettes. But still, look how neat it all is! Neat, at last.

Libra

You’re appointed captain of a space exploration vessel, whose only mission is to deliver peace and goodwill throughout the galaxies. You travel far and wide, learning about new cultures and peoples, never stopping on the same planet twice. It’s everything you ever could have dreamed of. Outside of your coma-induced dreams, though, things aren’t quite so great.

Scorpio

Revenge! You’ve finally cornered your nemesis, after carefully plotting their downfall. They barely had a chance to see it coming. The plan was simple: seduce them. Date them. Make them fall in love with you. Move in together. Go on a trip to Maine. Meet each other’s parents. Fall deeper in love. Get engaged. Plan and execute the perfect wedding. Have two kids. Adopt a Brittany Spaniel. Take a trip to Disney World. Then finally, the morning of your tenth anniversary, uncomfortably mutter, “Hey, you know, you kind of bullied me in high school. So.” The perfect plan.

Sagittarius

Big dog! You meet a big dog and he’s so good.

Capricorn

You’ve worked hard your entire life, and finally you’ve reached your goal: you’ve been made CEO of the world’s largest model train company. “My first order of business,” you declare to the board, “is to demand we stop the tiny passengers from screaming every time you start the trains!” The board’s faces grow pale. “But sir,” they protest, “everybody loves the screaming! We’ll go out of business if we make our trains quiet!” Their protests fall on deaf ears. At last, your trains are as silent as you’d dreamed. You’re bankrupt within three days.

aquarius

You seal yourself in your lab, slaving over your workbench for years. Finally, you complete your ultimate invention: a machine that fixes all the goddamn frizz in your hair. Unfortunately, you emerge to find that everyone’s gone. Where did they get off to? You have no idea. No clues were left behind. You and your beautiful curls are left with no one but each other.

Pisces

You’re finally taking your dream vacation, and, on your last night, you decide to celebrate with a long, quiet walk on the beach. You head down there by yourself, just looking to take in the ocean air. It’s a beautiful night, and you love the feel of the sand beneath your feet. You walk, and walk, and walk. It’s funny, actually. You should have reached the end of the beach by now. By a half hour ago, even. You keep walking, but it doesn’t seem to end. You turn around and start heading back to your hotel. By now, it’s the middle of the night. You keep picking up the pace, hoping to get back sooner. You’re sprinting down the beach now, trying not to cry. It’s four more hours before you realize you’re never getting home.