Monthly Archives: January 2015

Once upon a time there’s this shitty farm called Manor Farm
it’s owned by a shitty farmer
who is really awesome at being a drunk piece of shit
but really terrible at less important things like feeding his animals
so naturally the animals are not in a great mood
and then this ancient pig called Old Major makes everything worse
by calling all the animals together and being like “hey guys
fuck humans, am I right?”
and all the animals are like “RIGHT? RIGHT???”
and Old Major is like “I’m sayin’.
so I feel like like
one of these days
we should take over all the farms from them
and live in harmony and shit.
check it out, there’s even a song about it
it’s called BEASTS OF ENGLAND
you can sing it to the tune of La Cucaracha
and if any of you guys decide to start a dubstep collective
you should call it Beats of England OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO SICKKKKK
speaking of sick, I have to die now
good luck with the revolution!”

So then Old Major dies
and farmer Jones keeps being a drunk asshole
and finally the animals are just like “fuck this”
and they kick his ass out of his farm and rename it “Animal Farm”
(because animals are bad at names.)
The main animals who kick him out are these three little pigs
named Snowball, Squealer, and Napoleon
Snowball is a really excitable dude with all kinds of rad plans
Squealer is really good at talking people into shit
and Napoleon is a thinly veiled metaphor for Stalin
so these guys take all the cool stuff that Old Major said
and they turn it into seven animal commandments:

1. If they got two legs, fuck ’em
2. If they got four legs or wings, only fuck ’em in the good way.
3. ABN: Always Be Naked
4. No sleeping in beds. You can still sleep in your own shit though.
5. No booze.
6. No killing each other.
7. All animals are equal.

Honestly, other than the first 2 rules
these are probably rules I would make for my own animals
I don’t want ducks sleeping in my bed or drinking my booze
have you seen ducks?
They shit EVERYWHERE.

Anyway the farm goes pretty well for a while
the animals are excited to be farming for themselves
even though farming is hard without thumbs
but then the pigs start pulling all this sly bullshit
like taking all the milk and apples for themselves
because they “need it for thinking”
and then all these adorable puppies get born
and Napoleon takes them all away for “private re-education”
(which better not be code for dogfucking)
plus it turns out sheep are too dumb to learn all the rules
so Napoleon boils it down to “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD”
and teaches them to yell it like ALL THE TIME
it is SO ANNOYING.
Around this time some humans attack the farm
and Snowball just totally fucks them to death
by being a superior tactician and a total badass
and despite getting shot basically in the head.
Also there’s this horse named Boxer who does a good job
he’s important later.

So Snowball gets an award for being good at violence
and I guess awards make snowball crazy
because suddenly he is all about this insane plan to build a windmill
it’s like fuck improving crops
fuck the revolution
let’s build a goddamn windmill
(honestly that’s how I feel every day of my life
but that’s exactly why I’m not in charge of an animal rebellion)
Napoleon fucking HATES this plan
and he says so constantly
but Snowball keeps going with it
until finally Napoleon is just like “OKAY, SHOW’S OVER
SNOWBALL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEBATE
AGAINST MY NINE LOYALLY TRAINED HOUNDS?”
Yeah, remember when he took those dogs away for “reeducation”
it turns out he didn’t have sex with any of them
he just brainwashed them into RUTHLESS KILLING MACHINES
so he chases Snowball away
and then he’s like “Okay, so from now on
you guys don’t get to vote on anything
the pigs make all the decisions
and I make all the decisions for the pigs.”
and maybe people would have argued, but dogs.

But then suddenly Napoleon is like “OK GUYS WE GOTTA BUILD A WINDMILL”
and everyone is like what the fuck
i thought you hated windmills
and he’s like “THE WINDMILL WAS MY IDEA THE WHOLE TIME
SNOWBALL STOLE IT BECAUSE HE IS THE ACTUAL DEVIL
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG EVER IT IS HIS FAULT”
and everyone is like “Ohhhh that makes sense.”
so they start building the windmill
but it falls down because ANIMALS CAN’T BUILD WINDMILLS
so they start building it AGAIN
but by this time there is a food shortage
because, let me reiterate
they are wasting all their time building a FUCKING WINDMILL
but Napoleon doesn’t want the humans to know they’re hungry
so he’s just straight up lying to the one human dude who comes around
like “OH MAN YEAH, WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD
SOMETIMES WE JUST SET IT ON FIRE FOR NO REASON
LIKE WHATEVER, IT’S JUST FOOD.”
and the human is apparently as dumb as all the other animals
because he believes Napoleon’s shit.

But a steady diet of total bullshit is not enough to feed all the animals
so suddenly
MYSTERIOUSLY
it turns out that the evil Snowball has come back
and infected dozens of the animals with his EVIL LIES
so they all confess to Napoleon
who publicly murders them with his dogs for justice
and hey, that ration problem is solved now so that’s good too.
But then one of the horses, named Clover
is like wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against killing animals?
so she goes to the shed where they painted all the rules
but now suddenly it says “No killing animals
EXCEPT FOR VERY GOOD REASONS”
so she’s like oh, whatever that’s fine

Shit gets way worse after that
like they even outlaw singing that “Beasts of England” song
in favor of a song about how great animal farm is
and people keep confessing to weird shit and dying
and everybody is hungry
but it’s okay because then they finish the windmill
but then it’s not okay because Napoleon sells all their firewood
for a stack of fake paper money so he can buy booze
and then the farmer he sold it to shows up with guns and bombs
and blows up their windmill
so now it has exploded TWO TIMES
and since the windmill was the only thing that didn’t suck about animal farm
the animals are pretty sad

but there is this one horse I mentioned before
named Boxer
who is GREAT AT WORKING
and he’s like “IT’S FINE GUYS
LET’S JUST WORK HARDER AND BUILD A THIRD WINDMILL”
but he’s getting to be kind of old
and he has already built two goddamn windmills
so one day he falls down and can’t get up
and Napoleon is like “Oh dang
time to send him to the hospital
by which I definitely do NOT mean sell him to the glue factory
nope nope nope.”
then he buys whiskey with the horse money.

So then Clover’s like “Hey wait a second
didn’t we have a rule against boozing?”
so she goes and looks
but it turns out it really said “No booze
IF YOU’RE A WEENIE.”
so that’s an easy mistake to make.

Anyway time passes
and shit pretty much sucks for everybody but the pigs and their dogs
but nobody complains too much
because it must be better than when the farmer was there, right?
and at least there are no humans on the farm, RIGHT?
but then one day Clover is hanging out by the farmer’s house
(oh yeah, the pigs moved into the farmer’s house
and they sleep in beds
so that rule is out the window too)
when the pigs come sauntering out
on TWO LEGS
DUDE I THOUGHT THERE WAS A RULE AGAINST THAT TOO
ALSO THEY ARE WEARING CLOTHES
WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S NOT COOL
THESE PIGS HAVE NOW BROKEN LITERALLY EVERY RULE
except wait a second
back in the barn where the rules are
it just says “ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL
BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”
it turns out squealer has been changing the rules THIS WHOLE TIME
this is why you always time stamp your edits.

That night Napoleon invites all the human farmers over
and they all get wasted together and play cards
and the other animals are hanging around dropping mad eaves
and one of the farmers is like “Dude, Napoleon
you are such a good farmer
your animals work harder for less food than ANY OTHER ANIMALS
what’s your secret?”
and Napoleon is like “Uh, totalitarianism?”
and everyone is like “HAHA YEAH!”
and the animals are like “Oh god dammit
are we in a thinly veiled allegory about Russia’s gradual slide into totalitarianism under Stalin?
Fuuuuuuck
why couldn’t we be in a whimsical story about running away and forming a band or something?
this ALWAYS HAPPENS.
But it’s too late
the metaphor is complete
the pigs look exactly like the humans now and everything is terrible.

The moral of the story, of course
is that nothing good ever came of building a windmill
just ask Don Quixote.

One time, there’s this donkey
this donkey is OLD
and therefore useless to humans
and since the retirement plan for donkeys is really just murder
this donkey decides he’d rather escape the farm and start a new career
as a musician.

So yes, this donkey is obviously senile
because having thumbs is normally a prerequisite to being a musician
but he manages to escape the farm anyway
and instead of laying low for a while
he heads straight for this town called Bremen
i guess because he’s heard that Bremen is full of dumb people who listen to shitty music
and on the way he sees a dog
this dog is tired
one might even say he is DOG tired?
I did it.
The best joke.
No one has to be funny ever again.

Anyway the donkey is like “Yo wassup dog
why you pantin”
and the dog is like “dude I’m old is what’s up
I don’t wanna run around killing other animals for my boss anymore
so he’s bout to Old Yeller my ass [spoilers]
but I ran away instead
and now I dunno what to do
halp.”
So the donkey is like “Dude!
I’m getting a band together!
I’m on a mission
FROM GOD.
I’ll play guitar and you can beat the drums
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I LOVE DRUMS
but how are you gonna play guitar without thumbs?”
and the donkey is like “I was sort of thinking we’d be like an alternative noise-rock duo”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
BUT FUCK IT LET’S GO.”

So they keep going and they see a cat
and this cat is PISSED
she’s got a look on her face like three gallons of warm pus
and the donkey is like “Whoah there, beard-licker
[that is actually what he calls her, for some racist reason]
why the stank-face?”
and the cat is like “I’M OLD
I AIN’T WANNA CATCH NO MICE
MY MASTER’S GONNA DROWN ME SO I RAN AWAY
BUT NOW I DUNNO WHERE TO GO
HALP.”
and the donkey is like “Have I told you about my really stupid plan?”
and the cat is like “no, but now I’m interested.”
and the donkey is like “I’m putting a band together
we’re on a mission
FROM GOD
you’re a cat so you’re probably devious as fuck
you can be our manager.”
and the cat is like “Damn right.”

So they keep walking and they run into a rooster
and the rooster is just SCREAMING at the sky
SCREAMING
and the Donkey is like “OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS”
and the rooster is like “Because!
I’m a fucking excellent rooster
I predict good weather and fuck all the hens on time and everything
but my master is still going to kill me for Sunday dinner tomorrow
which is total bullshit because roosters don’t even taste good
so I’m just going to scream until I die.
This is not much different that what I normally do
and actually now that I think about it
this might be the real reason they’re going to kill and eat me
[i owned a rooster once
and this was in fact the real reason we killed and ate him
that, and he was a fucker]”

So the donkey is like “No! No! Christ!
Don’t pollute the countryside with your screaming!
Pollute the STREETS OF BREMEN with your screaming!
I’m putting together an alt noise-rock screamo quartet.
I’m on a mission
FROM GOD.
JOIN US.”
And the rooster is like “Okay sure”
making him officially the most qualified member of this “band.”

It’s getting late now though, so they have to go to sleep.
Being animals, they don’t mind sleeping outside
but being spoiled animals, they would much rather sleep inside
so when the rooster spots a far off light from the top of a tree
they all agree to go check it out
and guess what? it turns out it is a house
a ROBBERS’HOUSE.
I dunno how they know it’s a robbers’ house
like maybe there’s a big sign
or a bag in the garage that says “SWAG” on it in huge letters
but however they figure it out
they’re definitely right
and they definitely wanna be inside
so the donkey is like “Guys
I’ve got it
this can be our first gig!”

So the donkey stands against the wall
and the dog climbs on his shoulders
and the cat climbs on the dog
and the rooster climbs on the cat
and all at once
they start to make “music”
which amounts to a cacaphonous screeching to rival the orchestras of hell
followed by a lump of meat and feathers and hair crashing through the window
so the robbers
who are fucking HAMMERED
are like “OH SHIT, MEAT GHOSTS”
and they run out of the house
leaving the animals to eat all their food and then go to sleep.
The donkey goes to sleep on a pile of shit in the stable
the dog sleeps behind the door
the cat sleeps behind the stove
and the rooster sleeps up in the rafters.

So the robbers wait out in the woods for a while
until finally they’re like “wait a sec
are you sure that was a ghost?
are you sure that wasn’t just a pile of dumb animals?
someone better go check.”
So one of the robbers goes back to the house
and he thinks the reflection in the cat’s eyes is the embers of the fire
so he tries to light them with a match
which makes the cat tear his fucking face off
so he flips out and runs to the door
where the dog bites his ass
and then he runs past the stable
where the donkey kicks him in the head
and then the rooster starts SCREAMING again
and the robber goes back to his bros like “GUYS:
THERE IS A WITCH BEHIND THE FIRE
SHE CLAWED MY EYES
THEN SOME ASSHOLE STABBED MY ASS
AND AN OGRE HIT MY HEAD WITH A CLUB
AND THEN THERE WAS A JUDGE HIDING IN THE CEILING
WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT ARRESTING US”
which i guess just goes to show how drunk this guy is.

Anyway, after that the robbers never go back to the house
and the animals never end up going to Bremen
because they like their stolen house too much
which just goes to show
that crime is WAY more profitable than music.

Ugh so this one time I was in my dorm
it was like midnight
I was cramming for this shitty test
but I wasn’t even really paying much attention tbh
because I was hella sleepy
plus my girl Lenore had just dumped me or died or something
I don’t know exactly, college was kind of a blur…

Anyway all of a sudden I hear someone tapping on my door
and I’m like “who the fuck is it?
just knock like a normal person!”
but it just stops
so I go back to pretending to read
and then it starts again
but like, louder
so I go to the door and I throw it open and I’m like “Is that you Steve?
fuck you Steve
I have a test tomorrow
and I don’t wanna have to take a break from studying to kick your nuts
my time is precious, Steve.”
But nobody is there
not even Steve.
It’s a fucking mystery.

So I close the door and go back to my desk
but then there’s a noise at my WINDOW
and I’m like “There’s no way Steve climbed all the way up here
just to fuck with my window
it’s prolly just the wind”
but I’m pretty freaked out, you know
because I opted for the single occupancy dorm like an idiot
and now everything sounds like murderers
so I’m like “Okay, okay
just gonna open the window and see what’s up
and then laugh when it turns out to be nothing
WHICH IT DEFINITELY WILL.”

So I open the window
and a fucking RAVEN flies in
and lands right on this marble bust of Athena i got to impress chicks with
and I’m like “whoa
a bird
what’s your name, bird?
Did Steve send you?
That fucking guy.”
and the bird is just like “NEVERMORE.”
And I’m like “Wait, what?
Does that mean Nevermore is your name
or that Steve did not in fact send you
because I’m pretty sure both of those are lies.”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “oh, okay, I get it
that’s just the only word you can say.
Man, whoever owns you must be emo as fuck.”
But then I start thinking
holy shit, a talking emo bird
I am going to be like
the coolest dude on campus
all the chicks are going to be so enticed.
But then I remember my ex Lenore
and how she died or broke up with me or whatever
and I start getting all moody
and I’m like “Hey bird
how’s Lenore doing?
Is she having a good time?”
and the raven is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “Dang, that’s harsh.
Tell me, bird, am I ever gonna get laid again?”
and the bird is like “NEVERMORE”
and I’m like “FUCK YOU YOU FLAPPY DIPSHIT
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU
GET OUT OF MY ROOM”
But that raven just looks me right in my hominid face
with his beady soulless eyes
and he’s like “Nevermore.”

So now I have this bird in my room forever.
He’s gloomy as fuck
and not nearly as useful for getting laid as I hoped
so I guess the moral of the story
is don’t let birds into you fucking room.
Come on, this is basic stuff.