Hello there, lovely to meet you. My name is Sandi Darling:
military wife to the unbelievably babe-alicious Lee Savage, mother to a one
year old chaos-agent named Hunter, and a Brisbane based blogger. I started Milk
Eyes as a way of connecting with parents who continue to embrace their unique
style, using their alternative point of view and streetwise skills to raise
smart, savvy and above all, loved kids. I didn’t have much luck finding this in
real life (beyond the few friends I had that had become parents before me) or
online, so Milk Eyes became the method by which I created a space to keep
connected with all the cool stuff going on in the world, as well as being a
place for me to share my thoughts on the amazing transformations parenthood has
brought to my life

.

If there is one thing Milk Eyes has opened my eyes to, it is
that all over this amazing world there are mums and dads remaining in touch
with the subcultures they love, even as so many other aspects of their lives
change to accommodate their children. I’ve found so many new cool friends as a
result, including the wonderful Natalie who is currently taking some time out
to get acquainted with the newest addition to her family. How exciting for her-
and for me because I get to use this opportunity to connect with you even as
Natalie is connecting with her little one! When Natalie approached me to write
a guest piece I asked her what to write about, and she suggested something
along the lines of “why your style doesn’t need to change when you become a
mother" or how to stay 'cool'. This is a good question, and I’m not
entirely confident I’m qualified to answer it, but I can try.

Whatever your style, once you have a baby you have less time
and money to spend on yourself. You may feel a little weird in your skin for a
while, post pregnancy. You might also feel a little out of touch with the
lifestyle you led pre-bub. Doubts start to lurk in your mind, unhelpful
thoughts about what other people will think of you: If you dress the same as
you before strangers will think you are a reckless bohemian, irresponsible or
worse: a selfish individual who focuses on their own wants above the needs of
their kids; if you 'normalise' your fashion sense your friends will think all
the hype about ‘babies cramping your style’ is true and exclude you, or push
the idea of having babies of their own even further down their ‘to do’ list.
Being dictated to by your ideas about every ones else's expectations is an
unenviable position, but the worst part about being trapped in the throws of
that emotional turmoil is that you honestly don't know what other people are
thinking- unless they outright tell you, it's all in your head. I once heard
someone say you wouldn't be so concerned
with what other people think about you if you realized how very little they
actually do.In other words, some of
the reasons you have for abandoning the style that previously rocked your world
are phantoms, imaginary barriers of your own construction that take more mental
energy to maintain then they do to abandon. What a delicious, energizing
revelation!

But what about when those insecurities are realised? Let me
share with you a story.

When my son was a few weeks old I took him with me to the
store to buy groceries- as you do. As I walked in to the store a middle aged
woman muttered under her breath “they’ll let any freak breed these days”. I
looked around, curious to see who she was referring to with such venom and
spite, but there was no one else around.

She meant me.

I mean come on, me? I have a degree and part of multiple degrees, I won an
academic scholarship to study at one of the state’s best schools, I donate to
charity, buy Australian made, train my pets, eat healthily, avoid television,
pay taxes, don’t litter- I even polish my shoes! She hadn’t just implied that I
was a freak either- she implied that because of how I looked I was also unfit
to be a parent. I was shocked. Sure I had pink hair and tattoos- but I wasn’t a
bad parent by any stretch of the imagination. This complete stranger looked at
what I was wearing and made a judgement call on the kind of person I was.

Suddenly I felt small and stupid. Perhaps she was right,
maybe it was time I grew up. I bought brown hair dye and when I got home I
packed up all but the most banal items in my wardrobe, crying as I filled
garbage bag after garbage bag with clothes that hours before delighted me as I
decided on what to wear. To make myself feel better I took some time out to
cuddle my infant son. He woke in my arms and looked up at me with eyes full of
love and trust. In that moment I realized that Hunter didn't care one speck
about what I was wearing so long as he had a full tum, a clean bum and the love
of his mum to sustain him. I began to feel foolish- I had let a complete
stranger make me feel like a bad parent because of what I looked like. As I
rehung my clothes I consoled myself with the knowledge that phantom powered
people who judge others based on appearance alone (instead of the calibre of
their actions) are small minded and mean spirited- exactly the kind of person I
would avoid if given a choice.

Looking back at the experience I would say that it
solidified in me the desire to fight for my right to be expressive. I fight by
being a conscientious human being and an attentive loving parent. My choice of
battle armour is whatever the hell I want
to wear. My style doesn’t make me a bad parent- it makes me creative,
unique, interesting, exuberant, joyful, expressive, stimulating and different-
but none of these things are bad qualities. Being judgemental, small minded,
abusive, spreading hatred and fear- these are qualities that would make me a
bad parent- nay, human.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being a parent and
maintaining your cool aren’t two mutually exclusive states of being. Many qualities
that make someone stand out from the crowd are the very same qualities that
would deeply enhance the emotional and social development of their children.
Your style doesn't need to change at all once you become a parent- let your
light burn brightly, the love you radiate will illuminate everything around you
and banish those phantoms to the ever retreating shadows. Shine in the
knowledge that you look fine and more importantly you are a very fine parent
indeed. Your child will bask in the glow that radiates from you, their little
face lighting up at your approach.