Diabetes with a smile–

cathartic

I hate it when people say, “Life just got in the way…” Nonsense! I LET it drag me in other directions. It’s called PROCRASTINATION. I could make excuses all day long, but in the end, procrastination reigned.

Why would I put off writing my blog? I LOVE to write! I HATE diabetes, though, so writing about it, became an issue. I asked myself, Why? I’ve been doing it for years! Does the “WHY” really matter at this point? I’ve decided that, “NO, it does NOT matter.” I’m moving on.I’m back to being “one” with my T2D. I let my routines get out of hand and of course you know what that means. (Dive into a vat of chocolate!)

I have the best doctor on the planet — she’s amazing! I went a couple of weeks ago for my 3-month diabetes check up. She looked at my numbers, and said, “WHAT have you been doing?” I responded, “eating.” She gave me that over the glasses look. “Well, I’ve been eating everything that’s not nailed down. I actually walked into a bakery — ME in a bakery! It wasn’t pretty.” She had a one word response: “Why?” I told her that, “evidently, I’m a stress eater.” She rolled her eyes, letting me know that — we knew that. Stress has always been a trigger. We talked about what was stressing me out,and how to best handle the issue. What she didn’t do was make me feel worse. Instead, she encouraged me to get back on track, write what I’m eating, and note my blood sugar before and after meals, and WALK. “You can do this,” were her parting words. I left her office feeling better.

I was in a funk, so my new found optimism was rapidly sliding down. The good news is I didn’t let it take control. I went food shopping WITH a list, went home and promised myself that the funk will not take control again. I am addicted to sugar, so one of the first things I did when I got home, was to make some sugar-free Raspberry Jello. It helps when the craving gets bad. I’d bought fish — flounder stuffed with crabmeat, swordfish, and salmon. I love fresh lemon squeezed over the fish. I divided my treasure into portions and froze them. I’ll be fine — One Day at a Time.

The most important step that I took, was getting back to writing my blog. Writing is cathartic and when I get responses, I feel uplifted.

My last post, I believe, was written on April 3. It was a period of time during which I was feeling beyond stressed out. From that point until today, I haven’t been able to write a word. Nothing.

My brother was very ill and passed away on April 6th. (R.I.P., Joseph D. Masterson). My life came to a screeching halt. Those of you who have experienced profound loss, know that there’s a fog that seems to descend upon you and engulf your very being. You walk, talk, function, but it’s amid a bubble that seems to envelop you — at least that’s the way it’s been for me.

My “writer friends” told me to write it out; I couldn’t. They said it would be cathartic. I didn’t want that — I wanted him back. Now. For just one more conversation, one more laugh. Of course, that’s not going to happen.

In the part of his eulogy that I wrote, I thanked him for the impact he had on my life. It was huge. He taught me not only to understand Shakespeare, but to LOVE him. I mentioned Hemingway, Steinbeck and a host of other authors to whom he “introduced” me. He taught me to fight AGAINST discrimination and FOR feminism. Respecting the opinions of others is a great lesson to learn from an older sibling. There was that — and SO much more.

My brother was a Type 2 Diabetic (insulin dependent) who chose not to control his diet. I only hope that I learn from his mistakes. I promised myself that I will follow a healthy diet and exercise, in a effort to control my diabetes — as a tribute to him.

This segment of Lessons Learned (A.) is about the impact of the loss of a loved one on the monitoring of my diabetes. Maybe I should say the LACK of monitoring. No appetite. NONE. I forced myself to eat to the best of my ability during these weeks. I learned that sadness robbed me of my appetite, my everything. I kept telling myself that I HAD to eat because of this damned disease — and I did. Not much, but I did.

24 days have passed since my brother left this earth, and as I write this post, I realize that I’m doing exactly what he would NOT want me to do. So, as of tomorrow, May 1st, I will do what I need to do to stay healthy. I’ll do it, with tears in my eyes; but, I’ll do it.