From: ae606@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Victoria Edwards)
BE YOURSELF
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR
GAY, LESBIAN AND BISEXUAL YOUTH
PARENTS, FAMILIES & FRIENDS OF LESBIANS AND GAYS
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Inc. is a support,
education, and advocacy organization. Founded in 1981 by 25 parents,
PFLAG now represents more than 30,000 families - and speaks for thousands
of others. PFLAG affiliates are located in more than 340 communities in
all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and 11 other
countries. PFLAG is a tax-exempt, nonprofit organization that is not
affiliated with any political or religious institution.
OUR MISSION STATEMENT
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays promotes the health and
well-being of gay, lesbian, and bisexual persons, their families, and
friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to
enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and
to secure equal civil rights. PFLAG provides opportunity for dialogue
about sexual orientation and acts to create a society that is healthy and
respectful of human diversity.
INTRODUCTION
The world can be a tough place for a teenager. You're in one of the most
confusing times of your life.
For one thing, your body is changing more than it will at any other time.
And your hormones, hard at work changing your body, can be playing around
with your moods. You may feel great one day and miserable the next, for
no clear reason.
The rules are changing. You're expected to act more and more like an
adult. You may have new adult responsibilities like volunteer work or a
part-time job, but you might not be given adult rights, like coming home
at whatever time you want.
Your relationship with your parents is changing. You're becoming more
independent, and they're having to accept that you're not their little
girl or boy any more. That's not easy for either of you.
And all of a sudden, something you didn't think about a few years ago -
sex - might feel like the most important thing in the world.
If you're a gay, lesbian, or bisexual teenager - or if you think you might
be gay or wonder if you are - it's even more confusing, because probably
no one ever prepared you for that.
When you were younger, your parents and relatives may have teased you
about liking girls if you're a guy, or guys if you're a girl. Maybe they
talked about "when you grow up and start dating" or "when you fall in love
and get married." But they probably never talked about when you grow up
and fall in love with another guy, or about marrying a woman just like
you.
TV, movies, and magazines all mostly show men with women. The music you
hear is about falling in love with the opposite sex. If you're a guy,
your friends are probably talking about girls, and if you're a girl,
they're talking about guys.
All of that makes things hard if you're gay, because you don't have much
that relates to you.
This booklet was written to try to help you - to answer some of your
questions, to suggest books you can read and people to whom you can talk -
and to help you understand three things:
One: Being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is a normal and healthy way to be.
It's one more part of who you are - like being tall or short, or black or
white or Asian or Latino.
Two:It takes time to know who you are. It's okay to be confused, it's
okay to be unsure whether you're gay or straight, and it's okay to take
your time finding out. There's no need to rush.
Three:You're not alone. Right now, there are tens of thousands of other
teenagers, all thinking they're gay or wondering if they're gay, all
wondering if they're the only one, all trying to find someone to talk to
about it. Hundreds of thousands more, however, have already traveled that
road.
One of them or another helpful person will be on the other end of the line
if you call any of the numbers at the back of this book. They're people
with whom you can talk openly, compare notes, and ask advice.
The questions other teens have had about being gay shape this booklet. We
hope it will help you find your own answers.
DEFINITIONS USED IN THIS BOOKLET
Heterosexual, or straight,refers to people whose sexual and romantic
feelings are mostly for the opposite gender: Men who are attracted to
women, and women who are attracted to men.
Homosexual, or gay, refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings
are mostly for the same gender: Men who are attracted to men, and women
who are attracted to women.
Lesbian refers to women who are homosexual.
Bisexual or bi refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are for
both genders.
In this booklet, the word gay is used to include homosexuals and
bisexuals, male and female.
I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY. BUT WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE?
THE SHORT ANSWER: You'll know when you know. It could take a while, and
there's no need to rush.
Some gay people say that, from the time they were very young - even just
five or six - they "felt different." They didn't share the grade-school
crushes about which friends talked, or they had crushes on friends of
their own sex-and no one seemed to be talking about that.
Often, they say, it took a while to put a name to their feelings - to
begin to think of themselves as gay, or lesbian, or bisexual. But when
they started thinking in those words, it made sense - is it with the
feelings they'd had growing up.
Many other people, though, don't begin to figure out their sexual
orientation until they're teenagers or even adults - and it can be
confusing.
At some point, almost everybody gets a "crush" on someone of the same sex,
like a great teacher or a friend's older sister or brother. Almost
everybody's "best friend" is of the same sex. But none of that means
you're gay.
One or two sexual experiences with someone of the same sex may not mean
you're gay, either - just as one or two sexual experiences with someone of
the opposite sex may not mean you're straight. Many gay people have some
sexual experiences with the opposite gender, and many straight people have
some sexual experiences with their own gender
It's important to know, too, that you can be a virgin or not be sexually
active and still know that you're gay. Your feelings and your emotional
and physical attractions will help tell you who you are.
Our sexuality develops over time. Only worry if you aren't sure. The
teen years are a time of figuring out what works for you, and crushes and
experimentation are often part of that. Over time, you'll find that
you're drawn mostly to men or to women - or to both - and you'll know
then. You don't have to label yourself today.
If you think you're gay, lesbian, or bisexual, don't be afraid of it, and
don't hide your feelings from yourself. All that does is keep you from
figuring out your sexual identity - from figuring yourself out.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING THAT SAYS OTHER PEOPLE ARE GAY. AM I THE ONLY
ONE?
THE SHORT ANSWER: No.
Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the world's best-known sex researcher, concluded from
his research that almost nobody is purely straight or purely gay. He
found that most people have some attraction to the same sex during their
lives, and that many people have some sexual experiences with the same
sex, or with both sexes.
Think of it as a range, or "sexual continuum." At one end of the range are
many people who are attracted only to the same sex. At another end of the
range are many people who are attracted only to the opposite sex. And in
between are people who are attracted to both sexes.
So wherever you are on that continuum, you've got plenty of company. Some
estimates say that one of every ten people is gay.
There are gay people all around you - you just can't always tell who they
are. They're white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American. They're
Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Buddhist. They're old and young, rich
and poor. They're doctors and nurses, construction workers, teachers and
students, secretaries, ministers and rabbis, store clerks, mechanics,
business people, police officers, politicians, and athletes.
And when they were teenagers, most of them probably felt the same way you
do. If you get to feeling you're all by yourself, just remember: singer
k.d. lang probably felt that way too. And Elton John. And tennis star
Martina Navratilova. And Congressman Gerry Studds. And thousands and
thousands of other people.
IS IT NORMAL TO BE GAY?
THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes. Being gay is as natural, normal, and healthy as
being straight.
No one knows exactly how human sexual orientation - gay or straight - is
determined. Most experts think it's a matter of genetics, biology, and
environment - that a person's sexual orientation could be set before birth
or as early as two or three years old.
Dr. Richard Pillard, a psychiatrist at Boston University School of
Medicine, points out that homosexuality exists "in virtually every animal
species that has been exhaustively studied." Homosexuality is as much a
part of nature as heterosexuality.
Not only is it as natural, it's as healthy to be gay as to be straight -
no matter what some people might tell you. The American Psychiatric
Association declared in 1973 that homosexuality is not a mental disorder
or disease, and the American Psychological Association says that it would
be unethical to try to change a gay person's sexual orientation.
Many other people besides scientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists now
understand that, too, Ann Landers, the advice columnist, recently wrote:
"It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age, so many people fail
to understand that homosexuality is not a lifestyle that is chosen. That
'choice' was made at birth."
So if you're wondering why you're gay, the answer is that some people are
gay and some people are straight just as some people have blue eyes and
some people have brown eyes. It's not something that anybody can choose
to be or not to be. It's just one more piece of who you are.
I THOUGHT GAY PEOPLE ACT CERTAIN WAYS.
IF I DON'T FIT A STEREOTYPE, AM I STILL GAY?
THE SHORT ANSWER: Ignore the stereotypes. Some people fit them, some
don't. Be yourself.
Gay people, like straights, act all kinds of ways. Stereotypes arise out
of ignorance and prejudice. Sometimes a stereotype about a group doesn't
fit anyone in that group. Sometimes it fits a few people, sometimes more.
But a stereotype never fits everyone in any group.
For example, you might hear that gay men are "effeminate." Well, for just
a few recent examples that show how ridiculous and untrue that statement
is - what about Dave Kopay, who played NFL football for 10 years, or
Olympic gold medalist diver Greg Louganis? Both men are gay - along with
many other famous athletes. What about the openly gay police officers in
major cities? What about Joe Steffan, one of the most decorated Navy
cadets of the last few years? And what about Bob Jackson-Paris, former Mr.
Universe?
You'll also probably hear about transvestites and transsexuals.
Transvestites are people who like to dress like members of the opposite
sex. Most transvestites are actually straight. Transsexuals are people
who want to change their gender through surgery, and then live their lives
just like any other man or woman. Being gay doesn't make you a
transvestite or a transsexual, and being a transvestite or transsexual
doesn't make you gay. (For more information on transgendered people, ask
the organizations in the resources directory of this booklet for
referrals.)
Some people react to stereotypes by trying to act just the opposite. Some
straight males who aren't sure of their sexuality may act super macho, as
do some gay men who are afraid of being identified as gay, or "outed."
Some lesbian women act very feminine for the same reason.
Remember - you don't need to prove anything to anybody. Just be yourself.
DO I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT HIV and AIDS?
THE SHORT ANSWER: Everybody has to be informed about HIV and AIDS.
Being young doesn't protect you from getting AIDS. A lot of people in
their 20s and 30s who are dying from AIDS today became infected when they
were teenagers. It's not who you are - gay or straight, male or female,
black or white - but what you do that puts you at risk for HIV infection.
AIDS is a disease caused by a virus. That virus, named HIV, destroys the
body's immune system, making a person susceptible to fatal illnesses or
infections. There is no known cure, and there is no vaccine that prevents
AIDS.
There are three main ways you can become infected with HIV:
(1) by having unprotected sex with an infected person;
(2) by sharing drug needles or syringes with an infected person; or
(3) an infected woman can pass the virus to her baby during pregnancy or
birth.
Also, you can't judge by appearances whether someone has the HIV virus or
not. The virus can be inactive as long as ten years. Someone who appears
healthy could still be infected.
You can protect yourself, though. Do not share needles or syringes. If
you are shooting or using street drugs, seek professional help from a
local clinic. The one sure way to avoid HIV infection through sex is not
to have sex. And gay or straight, it you are sexually active, learn about
"safer sex" to protect yourself. Some safer sex practices include using
latex condoms or dental dams to stop the HIV virus.
It is not within the scope of this booklet, however, to give a complete
overview of HIV/AIDS and safer sex. For more information, contact one of
the organizations or AIDS hotlines in the resources list.
WILL I BE ACCEPTED?
THE SHORT ANSWER: Some people will accept you and some won't.
Prejudice and discrimination are everywhere in America, and around the
world. There's prejudice against blacks, against women, against older
people, against any group you can name. Women weren't allowed to vote in
the United States until the early 1900s because our society thought they
weren't smart enough. While the Suffragette movement - and later the
women's movement - helped to change that kind of thinking, women still
encounter discrimination on the job, on the streets, in politics, and in
the home. It takes time to overcome prejudice and change attitudes.
If you're gay, you're going to run into prejudice. Our society has a
"heterosexual assumption." We're taught - by our families, our schools,
our religions, and the media - to assume that everyone is straight, and
we're often influenced to discriminate against those who aren't. That
"assumption" has begun to change only recently.
The prejudice you run into could be fairly mild, like people assuming
you're straight when you're not, and embarrassing you with their mistake.
But it could be much worse. Gays are at risk to be beaten up, kicked out
of their homes, and fired from their jobs - just for being gay. People
often fear what they don't understand, and hate what they fear. That's
the basis of prejudice and, when it's aimed at gays, it's called
"homophobia."
Homophobia is being challenged, however, as more and more people are
learning that being gay is as normal and healthy as being straight.
Attitudes are starting to change partly because gay people - like women,
Jews, and blacks did before them - are beginning to stand up and say, "I'm
gay and I'm proud." Attitudes are changing also because other people are
standing up with gays to say, "These gay people are my friends, or my
children, or my brothers - and I'm proud of them."
I FEEL SO ALONE. WHO CAN I TALK TO?
THE SHORT ANSWER: If you feel alone, you are alone - and you don't need
to be. There are people out there who can help. Unless their parents have
been very open with them about sex, most teenagers can feel guilty and
ashamed of any sexual feelings and experiences, straight or gay. Some
adults have a hard time with their sexual thoughts, so it's not surprising
that teenagers do, too.
On top of that, it's not easy to discover that you are gay. The
prejudice that exists in our society can make you want to hide the way you
feel, even from yourself. And that can make you feel isolated and all
alone.
The best thing you can do is find someone to talk to that you can
trust.
Maybe that's someone you already know - a friend, parent, brother or
sister ... or a friend's parent or older brother or sister. Maybe it's an
adult to whom you confided in the past, whom you know you can trust again.
But, right now, until you're comfortable and happy with yourself, avoid
talking with anyone who you think might judge you or anyone who might be
anti-gay. You could possibly check out people's reactions by bringing up
the subject of homosexuality in general. Ask questions like: "I saw a TV
show about being gay. Do you know any gay people?" or "Some kids in
school were making fun of a kid they think is gay. Don't you think that's
wrong?" or "I heard about a kid who is gay and whose parents threw her out
of the house. Why would they do that?"
When you ask questions like this, however, you have to realize that
people's responses aren't personal comments about you. They don't know
the real intent of your questions. They might have negative comments
about gay people in this situation, but respond very differently about you
being gay.
If you don't know anyone with whom you're comfortable talking, who will
be supportive and understanding, start by calling one of the hotline
numbers or organizations listed in the back of this brochure. You can
talk to a teenager or an adult. You don't have to give your name, and
they won't try to talk you into or out of anything.
If you don't feel ready to talk with someone on the phone, you can get
a gay pen pal or participate in one of the computer bulletin boards. And
if you do want to talk with someone face-to-face, people on the national
hotlines and computer bulletin boards can help you find a local group or
person to call. Remember to use good judgment when making any contacts.
Whatever you choose, talking really helps. And you'll learn you're really
not alone.
SHOULD I "COME OUT?"
THE SHORT ANSWER: Only if you want to, and only when you're ready.
Don't come out just because someone else thinks you should.
Hiding the fact that you're gay is called "being in the closet." Being
open about it is called "coming out." You can come out to one person, to
friends and family only, or to everyone you know. It's up to you.
There's no reason you have to come out if you aren't ready. Sometimes
there are very good reasons not to come out. There are real risks in
coming out. There are people who won't accept you if you're gay, people
who will do and say terrible things. They could be your parents or your
friends or your classmates or your teachers, people you love or depend on
for financial help, companionship, encouragement, or other support.
There are also very good reasons, however, to let some people know that
you're gay. Hiding your sexual orientation keeps the important people in
your life from knowing about a big part of you. Hiding who you are keeps
your relationships from being real. At some point, many gays find that
the loneliness and isolation of keeping a secret is worse than any fear of
coming out.
Whatever your reasons for thinking you should or shouldn't come out,
it's your decision and no one else's. It's also one you should take at
your own speed.
Before you come out to others, you have to come out to yourself. That
means not only knowing you're gay, but being comfortable with being gay,
and being sure of who you are as a person.
Keep in mind that knowing you're gay is just being aware of one more
piece of who you are. You're the same person you were before; you just
know more about yourself. A lot of gay teens have learned to say to
themselves, "I'm gay and that's OK."
Before you come out, you might want to be educated about being gay for
your own information and because many people will have wrong ideas.
You'll feel proud to know the facts if someone asks you a question or if
you want to correct someone's lies about gay people. Read one or more of
the books for teenagers listed in the back of this booklet and talk to
other gay people on the phone or in person. By learning about their
experiences and talking about yourself, you'll know more about who you are
and what to expect when you come out. Tell your new gay friends that
you're getting ready to come out so they can support you.
That kind of support system is really important when you're coming out.
You'll want people around who care about you and will be there for you,
whether it's just to talk or to give you a hug when you need one - or to
give you a place to stay, if you need that. If you don't feel that you
already have people like that, call the nearest PFLAG chapter or one of
the other groups listed at the back of this booklet.
WHO SHOULD I TELL?
THE SHORT ANSWER: To start, only those people who you want to know.
Coming out isn't something that you do once and then it's over. You
might come out now to your family and later to friends, or the other way
around. You could come out only to one parent, or to a brother or sister,
and later to the rest of the family.
The people you tell first should be the ones you trust the most. You
need to be able to trust them not to hurt you, to accept you for who you
are, and to respect your privacy and not tell anyone you don't want told.
Think about what you could lose by telling a particular person. If
it's a parent, might they kick you out of the house? Cut you off from your
friends? If it's a friend, are they likely to withdraw from you? Would
they tell other kids at school? What would happen if they did?
Think also about what you could lose by not telling a particular
person. Is your relationship with your parents or your friends strained
because you're keeping a secret from them? Would you be closer with them,
and be able to get more support from them, if they understood why you were
acting withdrawn?
Think about what kinds of things you've been able to share with them in
the past and how they reacted. If there's someone to whom you want to
come out, and you aren't sure how they'll react, try to feel them out
first. Get them talking about a book or a movie or a television show
about gays. Use the questions on page 8, under "I feel so alone."
Keep in mind that someone's reaction to a gay person in a movie might
not be the same if that gay person is their daughter or their brother or
their friend. And it can work both ways - people might seem either more
or less prejudiced in a hypothetical or movie - type situation than they
would when responding to someone close to them.
For example, because homophobia is so common in our society - and still so
widely accepted - a friend or parent might, without thinking, joke about a
gay character in a movie - or might do so because they think you expect
that - but show far more thoughtfulness and desire to understand when
responding to your coming out. On the other hand, parents or friends who
seem accepting of gay characters in the media might be far less accepting
of homosexuality in someone close to them.
To get a sense of how someone will react to your being gay, try to keep
your questions specific, personal, and thought-provoking. Say you have a
friend who has an older brother off at college, or in the military. You
could say something like "I've been reading about gay groups on college
campuses," or "I've been reading about gays in the military. Would you be
upset if your brother came home and told you he was gay?" Your friend
might surprise you and answer, "My brother is gay."
HOW DO I TELL MY PARENTS?
THE SHORT ANSWER: When you're ready, and with care.
Many gay teens say that their relationship with their parents was much
closer after they came out because it was more honest. They say it was a
relief to feel like they weren't keeping a secret any more
PFLAG was founded by parents who wanted to support their gay sons and
lesbian daughters - parents who wanted to work with their children for
equal rights, and who wanted to welcome their sons' and daughters' lovers
into their families.
But it doesn't always work that way. Some teens who come out to their
parents are forced to leave home. Some parents become abusive. Some
family relationships never recover.
Before you come out to your parents, there are some things for you to
consider.
Think about your parents' general reaction to gays. Find out as much
as you can, by observing your parents or asking indirect questions. Do
they have gay friends? Do they read books or go to movies that include gay
relationships? Is their religion accepting of gays? Have you heard them
say that there's nothing wrong with being gay?
Think about your relationship with your parents. Have they shown that
they love you even when they're upset with you? Have they stuck by you
even when you've done something they didn't like?
Be prepared. If you had to leave home, do you have a place to stay? If
your parents cut off financial support, do you have someone else to whom
you can turn?
If your answer to all of these questions is "no," don't come out to
your parents until you have a safe place to go to and a way to support
yourself. You'll probably be better off waiting until you're on your own.
You might decide never to tell them, because they wouldn't understand.
If your answer to all of these questions is "yes," then it's probably
safe to tell them.
You're the only one who can answer those questions, and weigh the
balance of "yesses" and "nos." Trust your gut. It's almost always
frightening coming out to your parents, but if you're terrified about it,
you should pay attention to that. Not all parents will be accepting.
If you decide you can and want to tell your parents, think about how
you can make it easiest on them - and on yourself. Try to think about how
they're going to feel, and the questions they may have, so that you're
ready for them. Call a local PFLAG chapter and speak to a parent who can
talk with you about how your own parent might react.
It will be easiest to talk with your parents when you're feeling good
about yourself. Coming out to your parents will require a lot of
strength. If you're feeling confused, that could increase your parents'
confusion and give them less confidence in your judgment.
It will also be best if you can pick a time when your parents are
relaxed and not pressured by work or family worries. Otherwise, they may
feel they don't have the time to deal with it, and shut you out.
Be prepared for your parents to need some time to accept your being gay
- just as you probably needed some time yourself. Remember that your
parents are from an older generation - one that was more homophobic than
yours. Even if they're accepting of gays in general, your parents may be
shocked at learning that you are gay. They may not want to believe it at
first, or they may want to try to bring in a psychiatrist to "cure" you.
Before the psychological and psychiatric associations concluded that
homosexuality is perfectly normal, there were a lot of theories about how
people became gay because of how their parents acted. Your parents may
worry about what your being gay says about them and about whether they
failed you in some way - and that worry can come out as anger and
defensiveness.
Your parents could also feel that you've rejected them or their way of
life by being gay, or that you've somehow ruined their dreams for you.
There's often some of this feeling in all relationships between teens and
their parents, as the teen becomes more independent and parents have to
let go of the image they have of what their son or daughter will be.
Parents of gay teens may feel this sense of loss and rejection even more
strongly.
Even if they don't have those reactions, your parents are probably
going to feel worried about you - about whether this will put you in
danger, about whether your life will be happy, about whether you'll have a
family of your own. That can make them want to ignore or deny what you've
told them.
They may worry also about how they're going to tell their parents and
friends. They'll be starting a coming-out process of their own.
The best thing you can do is be ready with answers - or suggest people
with whom they can talk. The more homework you've done, and the more
self-assured you seem, the more you'll convince your parents that you're
ready to take responsibility for yourself. Then they won't worry so much
about you.
PFLAG can help a lot with that - with suggested books, videos, and
information for you and your parents, and by providing contacts with other
families who have gay and lesbian children, or counselors who can help
your parents work through their feelings.
And remember - you don't have to come out to both parents at once.
Many teens have talked first to the parent they thought would be more
accepting or with whom it was easiest to talk. Recognize, though, that
confiding in only one parent may cause hurt and tension between your
parents - hurt because the parent who is not told may feel slighted when
he or she finds out, and tension because the parent you do talk to will
now have the burden of explaining your silence - or of keeping a secret
until you are ready to talk to the other parent. Think it through if you
plan to tell just one parent.
Most importantly, make sure that you have other people with whom to
talk, because, even when coming out to your parents is relatively easy,
it's hard. The more support you have, the better.
WILL I LOSE MY STRAIGHT FRIENDS?
AND WHERE DO I FIND GAY FRIENDS?
THE SHORT ANSWER: To the first question - probably not. And to the
second - everywhere.
Many teens say they have more straight friends now that they're "out,"
and that they're a lot happier and more confident since coming out. It's
easier to be close to people when you're not hiding anything and when
you're comfortable with yourself.
Some teens, however, have had horrible experiences coming out at
school. Particularly in small towns or rural areas, and where there are a
lot of people belonging to fundamentalist religions, discrimination
against gays is still strong. And kids can be very cruel, especially when
they're unsure of themselves and are looking for ways to build themselves
up. They can harass you and make your life miserable. Gay teens have a
very high dropout rate because of the way they're treated. Right now,
only one state - Massachusetts - has a law that prohibits discrimination
in the public schools based on sexual orientation.
If you want to come out to friends, be careful to trust only friends
who will respect your privacy and confidentiality. Friends who tend to
gossip can cause problems, even if they don't mean to hurt you.
Some friends will be supportive right away. (Both guys and girls say
it's generally easier to come out to girls.) One or two friends might have
already guessed that you're gay. You may find that you already have gay
friends, and didn't know it.
Some friends may need time to adjust to the idea of your being gay. Some
may wonder if your coming out to them is a way of coming on to them, and
that might make them feel uncomfortable. Some may wonder, since you're a
close friend and you're gay, whether they're gay too. Just as you did
with your parents, try to think about how each friend is likely to feel,
and how you can let them see that you haven't changed. Just as with your
parents, offering them some of the books listed in the back of this
booklet can help.
Talking to gay friends about their coming-out experiences can also
help. Finding new friends who are gay is really important - friends who
know exactly what you're going through because they've "been there," or
are in the process of coming out themselves.
Gay youth organizations are a good place to start, because there you
won't have to try to figure out whether another teen is gay or not. Most
major cities have gay youth organizations where you'll be able to meet
people easily. You'll find new friends with whom you can share
experiences and support and learn more about yourself.
If you're in a small town or in the country, it may be harder to find
groups like these. In that case, you can meet people through the pen pal
programs and computer bulletin boards listed in the back of this booklet.
The organizations in the resources directory can also help you find more
specific groups, such as organizations of gay and lesbian African
Americans, Arabs, Asians, or Latinos, or support groups for gays and
lesbians with disabilities.
And remember - even if it seems to you that you must be the only gay
person at your school, you aren't. With as much as 10% of the population
being gay, there are other gay students at your school whom you might
already know but not know that they're gay - or whom you might not yet
have met. Gay people joke sometimes about having "gaydar," a type of
"radar' for tolling who is and isn't gay. Figuring out who is gay, if
they're not completely "out," is like figuring out it someone's interested
in you. Sometimes you can tell, sometimes you can't. You'll get better
at it with experience.
CAN I HAVE A FAMILY OF MY OWN?
THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes.
Many gay people hold wedding ceremonies to celebrate their commitment
to each other and to share their relationship with family and friends.
While only a few religions, and no states, perform or witness these
ceremonies, attitudes are beginning to change. More and more companies,
such as Apple Computer, now treat gay partners like any other married
couples, and provide health care coverage for their gay employees'
partners. President Clinton's Administration has used the words "you and
your significant other" instead of "you and your spouse" in recognition of
gay partners.
Many gay couples are also raising children together. Some lesbians
have used artificial insemination in order to conceive a child. Other
gays and lesbians, who came out after they'd been involved in heterosexual
relationships, are raising the children from those relationships with
their gay partners. As society's attitudes continue to change, adoption
of children by gay couples will also become more common. Six states
permit adoption by same-sex couples.
And many gays see their friends and the local gay community as their
family. In most cities, there is a large and close-knit gay community
that offers the same type of love and support we look for from our
families.
BE YOURSELF
Obviously, this booklet cannot ask or answer every question. But we
hope it gives you a place to start. You don't have to be alone when
exploring your sexual identity. The resources beginning on page 18 will
give you a place to continue-to find information, to find answers, and to
find friends.
You'll learn that the best advice is to be yourself. If you are gay,
lesbian, or bisexual, you'll soon find that you have the power to shape
and define your coming out-to make it unique for yourself. While coming
out will present you with questions and situations you never faced before,
you'll also find great joy in this journey of discovery.
You might need encouragement from time to time on this journey. We end
our questions and answers then with the lyrics from Fred Small's song
"Everything Possible." May you return to these pages and his words for
comfort and inspiration.
EVERYTHING POSSIBLE
by Fred Small
We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved
Washed the dishes and put them away
I have told you a story and tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day
As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep
over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company
You can be anybody you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done
There are girls who grow up strong and bold
There are boys quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some go in their own way and time
Some women love women, some men love men
Some raise children, some never do
You can dream all the day never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you
Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you
You can be anybody you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done
Words and music by Fred Small. (c) Copyright 1983 Pine
Barrens Music (BMI). From the album, Everything Possible: Fred Small in
Concert (Flying Fish #625). Available from Small Potatoes at (800)
788-6043.
IF YOU'RE GAY, LESBIAN OR BISEXUAL, YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY
Roberta Achtenberg (President Clinton appointee), Edward Albee
(playwright), Alexander the Great (Emperor), Pedro Almodovar (film
director), Sasha Alyson (publisher), W.H. Auden (writer), Sir Francis
Bacon (writer), Joan Baez (musician), Josephine Baker (singer), James
Baldwin (writer), Tammy Baldwin (Wisconsin state legislator), Deborah
Batts (federal judge), Amanda Bearse (actress), Andy Bell (musician), Ruth
Benedict (anthropologist), Michael Bennett (choreographer), Sandra
Bernhardt (comic), David Bowie (musician), Rev. Malcolm Boyd (Episcopal
priest), Keith Boykin (President Clinton aide), Benjamin Britten
(composer), Glenn Burke (pro baseball player), Frank Buttino (former FBI
agent), Lord Byron (poet), Julius Caesar (Emperor), Margarethe Cammermeyer
(National Guard Colonel), Willa Cather (writer), Jean Cocteau (artist),
Colette (writer), Aaron Copland (composer), Chief Crazy Horse, George
Cukor (film director), James Dean (actor), Lea DeLaria (comedian), Melissa
Etheridge (musician), Angie Fa (San Francisco board of education), Harvey
Fierstein (playwright), Will Fitzpatrick (Rhode Island state senator),
Errol Flynn (actor), E.M. Forster (writer), Congressman Barney Frank,
Frederick the Great (Emperor), David Geffen (music producer), Sir John
Gielgud (actor), Tim Gill (founder of Quark, Inc.), Allen Ginsberg (poet),
Lorraine Hansberry (playwright), Sherry Harris (Seattle city council),
Bruce Hayes (Olympic swimmer), Janis Ian (musician), Indigo Girls
(musicians), Bob Jackson-Paris (pro bodybuilder), Henry James (writer),
King James I, Elton John (musician), Frieda Kahlo (artist), David Kopay
(pro football player), Sheila James Kuehl (attorney and former TV
actress), Tony Kushner (playwright), k.d. lang (musician), Simon LeVay
(biologist), Leonardo da Vinci (artist), Frederico Garcia Lorca (poet),
Greg Louganis (Olympic diver), Amy Lowell (poet), Ian McKellen (actor),
John J. McNeill (religious scholar), W. Somerset Maugham (writer), Keith
Meinhold (Navy officer), Michelangelo (artist), Edna St. Vincent Millay
(poet), Yukio Mishima (writer), Martina Navratilova (tennis champion),
Georgia O'Keefe (artist), Dave Pallone (former baseball umpire), Phranc
(folksinger), Plato (philosopher), Deb Price (newspaper columnist), Marcel
Proust (writer), Kenneth Reeves (mayor of Cambridge, Massachusetts), First
Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, RuPaul (supermodel), Bayard Rustin (civil rights
activist), Sappho (poet), Dick Sargent (actor), May Sarton (writer), Franz
Schubert (composer), Randy Shilts (journalist), Bessie Smith (singer),
Socrates (philosopher), Jimmy Sommerville (singer), Joseph Steffan (Navy
officer), Gertrude Stein (writer), Congressman Gerry Studds, Peter
Tchaikovsky (composer), Dorothy Thompson (journalist), Alice B. Toklas
(writer), Gore Vidal (writer), Tom Waddell (Olympic decathelete), Andy
Warhol (artist), Walt Whitman (writer), Oscar Wilde (writer), Tennessee
Williams (playwright), B.D. Wong (actor), Virginia Woolf (writer), Wu
(Chinese Emperor), Babe Didrikson Zaharias (pro golfer), Joe Zuniga
(former Army sergeant)
BOOKS FOR GAY, LESBIAN AND BISEXUAL TEENS
If you cannot locate a book at a local library or bookstore, most can
be ordered through Lambda Rising Bookstore, 1625 Connecticut Ave., NW,
Washington, DC 20009, 1-800-621-6969.
Am I Blue? Coming Out from the Silence, Marion Dane Bauer,
editor. Harper Collins, 1994.
Annie On My Mind, Nancy Garden, FS&G, 1992. Fiction.
Children of Horizons: How Gay and Lesbian Teens are Leading a New
Way Out, Gilbert Herdt and Andrew Boxer, Beacon Press, 1993.
Coming Out to Parents, Mary Borhek, Pilgrim Press, 1993.
Gay Men and Women Who Enriched the World, Thomas Cowan.
William Mulvey, Inc., New Canaan, Connecticut, 1988.
Growing Up Gay: A Literary Anthology, Bennett L. Singer,
editor. The New Press, 1993.
One Teenager in Ten: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth, Ann
Heron, editor. Warner Books, 1986.
Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, Jeanette Winterson. Atlantic
Monthly Press, 1987. Fiction.
Reflections of a Rock Lobster, A Story About Growing Up Gay,
Aaron Fricke. Alyson Publications, 1983.
Peter, Kate Walker. Houghton Mifflin, 1993. Fiction.
Two Teenagers in Twenty, Ann Heron, editor. Alyson
Publications, 1994.
Understanding Sexual Identity: A Book for Gay and Lesbian Teens,
Janice Rench. Lerner, 1990.
When Someone You Know Is Gay, Susan and Daniel Cohen. Dell,
1989.
Young, Gay and Proud, Sasha Alyson, editor. Alyson
Publications, 1985.
Books for your parents, friends, and family
Are You Still My Mother?, Gloria Guss Back. Warner Books,
1985.
Beyond Acceptance, Carolyn Griffin and Marian and Arthur Wirth.
Prentice-Hall, 1986.
Bridges of Respect Creating Support for Lesbian and Gay Youth,
Katherine Whitlock. American Friends Service Committee, 1989.
Different Daughters: A Book by Mothers of Lesbians, Louise
Rafkin. Cleis Press, 1987.
The Family Heart: A Memoir of When Our Son Came Out, Robb Forman
Dew. Addison-Wesley, 1994.
Is it a Choice? Answers to 300 of the Most Frequently Asked Questions
About Gays and Lesbians, Eric Marcus. Harper Collins, 1993.
My Son Eric, Mary V. Borhek. The Pilgrim Press, 1979.
The New Loving Someone Gay, Don Clark, Ph.D. Signet Books,
1987.
Now That You Know: What Every Parent Should Know About
Homosexuality, Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward. Harcourt Brace
Javanovich, 1989.
For More Information
This publication is copyrighted, but readers are welcome to copy it in
whole or in part, with proper accreditation to PFLAG. All publications
are discounted for members and bulk orders. Publications and products are
priced to cover costs of production, shipping, and handling.
Copyright (c) 1994. Parents, Families and Friends of
Lesbians and Gays, Inc.
Electronically distributed and reprinted by !OutProud!, The National
Coalition for Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual Youth, with permission from
PFLAG.
Homosexuals have not abandoned their powers of sorcery and seduction.
They`ve embraced them. Adam Levin
WebPage: http:www.ncf.carleton.ca/freeport/sigs/life/gay/menu