Wednesday, April 25, 2012

It has been a weird spring. March came in like a lion, on schedule, and by March 3rd, it had draped itself languidly across a tree limb without enough gumption to take down a three-legged hyena. Across two-thirds of the country, people were startled by the tinkling sound of falling records. An unprecedented heat wave presided over the Midwest. Snowplows in Minnesota were hard pressed to keep up with the drifts of cherry blossoms. Over seven thousand high-temperature records were smithereened by an average of fifteen degrees, and as much as 35. Meanwhile, here in western Oregon, all the remaining water in the world fell during March, except for the portion that's still up there because it couldn't make it through all the clouds.

Reaction to the arrival of summer in March was generally positive, but unsettled, with some suspecting it should be intercepted and gently guided back to June before it gets too far away. Meteorologist Martin Hoerling of the NOAA investigated the phenomenon and reassured the public that it was a result of freak chance and not indicative of global warming. In fact, he explained carefully, the heat wave was caused by warm air. Warm air is quite often responsible for higher temperatures (says he), and the only thing unusual about this event was its size and duration, which he was at a loss to explain, except to call it a once-in-a-century event. And if it happens again next year, we should be sitting pretty until 2212.

This analysis was well received in the Rogue Science Incubator, located at the edge of the parking lot of (but not affiliated with) the Petroleum Institute. The RSI is proud of its role in gainfully employing dozens of people with science degrees and massive personal debt. Chief Obfuscologist Willy Crack was kind enough to take our questions. RSI headquarters was small but lavishly appointed; trays of complimentary donuts alternated with pots of money, a bartender was busy at the back wall, and in the corner, the small rescue penguin, Anomaly, fanned herself with the refrigerator door.

Dr. Crack endorsed the NOAA explanation. "The only point on which we differ," he said, "is in the characterization of events as a 'freak occurrence.' A freak occurrence, by definition, is something out of the ordinary. When they happen all the time, the number of freak occurrences naturally goes way down. It's a feedback loop."

What about that freakishly early deadly tornado season?

"Pish. I should not have to remind you that a thundering majority of Midwesterners were not hurled into the air. As I have demonstrated, there are natural feedback loops operating that will invariably keep things as they have always been, which is what we want. For instance, in the example last month, the effects of the warm air were countered when 200,000,000 white people suddenly stripped to their skivvies and lounged on aluminum chairs, reflecting sunlight back into space."

Dr. Crack hobbled over to a display board. "Come this way. We have some charts that might help clear things up for you."

Is that the troposphere one? Because respected climatologists have long since debunked the claim that the troposphere temperature disproves global warming.

"I know that," he said peevishly. "But nobody listens to them. No: this is a chart of the number of times articles with the phrase 'troposphere disproves global warming' have appeared on the internet. As you can see, it's trending sharply up. And over here," he said, turning to a new chart and now limping badly, "we have even more conclusive proof that man-caused climate change is a hoax." A large dark figure in a trench coat with a barely concealed baseball bat appeared in a doorway.

That's just an estimate of the amount of coal and petroleum still in the ground. Say, are you in pain?

"It's nothing. I am in pain, yes, but as you can clearly see, it's caused by this tibia bone protruding through my leg. Completely natural," he said.

55 comments:

I have long wondered how "coinkydink" was spelled. Thank you for clearing this up for me. Murr, you have hit the nail on the head with this one. I think I recognize the guy in the trenchcoat, but then again, maybe not.

Thank you for making me laugh at something that isn't funny at all. How DO you do it? Born that way, I guess. :-)

You nailed it again. The global-warming-denialist scam is exactly like past decades' tobacco-company-sponsored fake "research" proving that smoking was harmless -- except that this time, even those of us who aren't fooled will eventually suffer.

Years ago I saw a science-fiction movie about aliens who were trying to wipe out humanity by artificially accelerating global warming, so they could seize the Earth for themselves after we were gone. At the end of the movie one of the aliens says, "We're just doing in ten years what you would have done to yourselves anyway in a hundred. If you can't take any better care of your planet than this, you don't deserve to keep it."

If I'm ever stumped for a subject, I was thinking of doing a post on the various photos we've set up for this blog. When you don't know how to do Photoshop you have to dig deep. I guess it's sort of quaint, like me.

Sooner or later one of these dudes will explain that it's not the heat, it's the humidity. I grew up in the D.C. area and if we're going to suffer from global humidifying I might as well go into a cave and drink myself dead with a few dozen good IPAs right now.

I think so many more people would respond to the concept of Global Warming if the scientists had come up with another phrase for it, such as Climate Change. Excessive rain and cold ARE the result of Global Warming but this is a hard sell for those unable to think abstractly. Anyone who has recently flown over Greenland knows the truth.

Unfortunately, anyone who has flown over Greenland has contributed to the problem. As have I, who just got off the jet plane and am fighting slow motel wireless to respond to you right now in West Virginia. I have heard it called "global weirding..."

BTW Murr ... just wanted to tell ya that I watched your YouTube video and a late congratulation's to ya! : )

I did some posting's on the USPS as well (inspired partly by Bernie Sanders), I know a fella here in Dallas who is a carrier ... and the corporate power entities are trying to take that over as well and privatize it ... Geeeezz

Word. Anyone who's paying attention knows that privatization is the name of the game, all over. More ways to get what should be a public service into private profiteering hands. It's bad enough with the USPS (and it's really true that most people don't use it anymore). Worse when it comes to providing water. Anyone within shouting distance of Murrmurrs should stop and think before buying another bottle of water.

BTW Murr ... just wanted to tell ya that I watched your YouTube video and a late congratulation's to ya! : )

I did some posting's on the USPS as well (inspired partly by Bernie Sanders), I know a fella here in Dallas who is a carrier ... and the corporate power entities are trying to take that over as well and privatize it ... Geeeezz

I think we've had five "hundred year floods" in the last twenty years or so. In Northern Minnesota I would have to agree with the premise of reflecting sunlight with our bodies. Mr. Clean would be envious of that much whiteness. Heck, people squint when I take off my hat.

The National Climate Change science lobby has refused to accept my academic paper conclusively linking the increase in tornado activity in the Mid-West to the increase in mobile home parks. Anyone watching the nightly news and with an ounce of gumption can clearly state that trailer parks ATTRACT tornadoes. God how I love science!!

And also it must be noted that all of those tornadoes are caused by those stupid Brits driving on the wrong side of the road. It creates that swirl which evolves into tornadoes over here. Haven't you heard of the Butterfly Effect...or something like that?

Global Warming is so yesterday. It's now officially sanctified and PC correctly 'Climate Change'. We haven't seen much of it in these parts. Mainly just too cool (not warm) and too wet (not drought like)

Another term to use: "Global Weirding." It's a pretty accurte term for the weather pattern changes and freaky weather happening over the globe. Even the deniers have to admit that something strange has been going on.

You are a peerless source of dark laughter. "The small rescue penguin, Anomaly" deserves her own book. Soon we'll be able to assign individual names to the remaining animals, but forced to number the hurricanes.

Personally, I think that "Climate Change" is yet another sign of rampant Corporate Greed. Haven't you noticed how all the department stores never keep "this season's" clothes in stock through the entire season? Have you ever tried to buy a bathing suit after July 4th? If you did, you'd find the shelves stocked with Fall and Back To School clothes with nary a sandal or a tank top to be found! It's all part of the plot, I tell ya! Maybe the seasons are starting to believe it and are adjusting themselves to what's in stores now...Elaine M.

Sweet name that, Anomaly. JMartin's right about the book--or give her to the guys who write "What on Earth," the online climate change cartoon series by "Science Friday." She'd fit right in with the animal crew.

Murr, you are dynamite. I was going to write something witty, but honestly, this whole thing just wears me down. We talk, talk, talk, and we write, write, write. But the bucks just keep chasing after the culprits. We have to stop supporting the causes and so far, we have been unwilling to do that.

Jeepers! I read this for the first time a little too early in the morning and thought snotworthy was a little weird. Wasn't till I got to the comments that I figured it out. And my inadvertent humor wasn't remotely the biggest laugh I got out of the piece. Drinking anything is clearly contraindicated when reading this blog as limeaide drips off my nose and burns naive mucosa.