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Treats That Will Get You Tricked

You know, now that we are getting close to Halloween, I feel it is my duty this year to shed some light on what is not the appropriate candy/treats to hand out. Reading Pam’s blog from today inspired this and hopefully I may save someone from a November first morning of pulling toilet paper off the branches of the trees. I am not saying I am the know all of candy or what is acceptable to the average ten year old, but I have many years of getting my pillow case weighed down by sugary shit and alternative treats. And being the little prick I was, the poor souls found out the hard way that their disconnect from Halloween led to mayhem in their front yard.

Stop right there! No! No! Bad treat giver! If you even think about giving out blue mints or sugar free hard candies you need to choke yourself. Think about this general rule: if you can find it at the bottom of your great Edna’s purse, you shouldn’t have it in the trick or treat bowl. No kid needs these. Not even the diabetic kid. Brach’s never intended these candies to be used as treats and this should be apparent since I have yet to see bats and pumpkins on the bags. No, Brach intended these to be after “early bird special” mints. So, if you hand these out the result might be this:

See? See what can happen? All because they gave out grandma-treats.

Oh Ho! Yep, people still do this. I have memories of getting five pennies scotch tapped together and wanting to say, “no, no…you keep it. I’ll only throw it through your garage window when you shut the door.” I still don’t understand the thought process behind this. These people actually taped five pennies together which, if i did my elementary math correct, meant they probably blew the same amount of money pissing off the neighborhood kids that could have been spent on Snickers. Plus, a handful of pennies can do this if thrown hard enough.

Well, maybe if Randy Johnson threw them. But you get the point.

The next treat is a no brainer. So let me break it down for you.

Eaten by these:

Looks like they were shit by these:

And primarily given out for Halloween by these:

You guessed it! It’s one of the worst tricks that poses as a treat.The mother fuckin’ raisin.

Now how does this box of death find it’s way into the treat bag? I can only venture to guess that it is the underground society of Dietitians Against M & M’s (D.A.M.M.). I mean really, there is nothing good about dried fruit and various forms of fiber supplements when there are thousands of better choices available. And cheaper! So grandma, I know you want to fight the system but your efforts will be futile. And if you still don’t get it, it’s your funeral! See?

This will ruin your Stride Rites! So take heed, and resist the temptation to hand out nutritious boxes of bullshit. Or deer shit. Whatever.

I am on the fence about giving out coupons for Halloween. Sure I still have a few retro McDonald’s coupons from the 80’s and as an adult they are neat to remember but when I was a kid I thought, “I bet this will stay on the fridge way passed the expiration date”. And I was right. Growing up, my folks only stopped at fast food restaurants on cross country road trips. So in order to utilize a coupon that meant a special effort had to be made. And it never happened. So I guess this treat is really a trick on the parents. You maybe safe from reprisals but like I said, I was a little dick and this could happen:

“That there is a felony offense…” Kids can be just awful, you know? So why tempt fate?

Oh don’t do this. Don’t make your own Halloween candy! I remember after a long night of trick or treating the first order of business was to get the “ok” from Dad to eat the candy. The “ok” was only granted after he visually inspected all the candy for anything that looked suspicious and the first thing in the garbage was the homemade treats. So keep that in mind before you make 300 vampires on a stick. And god forbid a kid gets sick.

There are worse things than getting the house egged. I know this looks extreme but we live in the age where neighbors sue neighbors over barking dogs. Just wait to see what happens when little Johnny Snot Face pukes on the family sofa after eating a gourmet chocolate mummy you made with a touch of love.

“Oh how cool! Candy in the shape of toothbrushes! Talk about irony. Wait a minute…..these aren’t candy at all. These are fucking real toothbrushes! What the….?”

That is a conversation I had at age 11. For the life of me I could not wrap my head around the fact that someone could hand out hygiene products in place of sugar. Are they being funny? Are they transplants from Indonesia and missed the point of Halloween? Or is it something more sinister? I went with that.

See what can happen when you mess with tradition? When you buck the system, the system can buck back. There is meaning behind “trick or treat”. If by “treat” you think toothbrush then by “trick” kids mean burn your damn house to the ground. That’s how we do things in America.

I hope I was able to shed some light on what are acceptable treats for Halloween. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward after a childhood of being mischievous. Karma has a way of kicking you in the nuts if you don’t and believe me, I have a lot to pay forward. So this year, keep it Wonka. That way you can avoid waking up and finding the mob has “taken care” of your jack-o-lantern.

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16 thoughts on “Treats That Will Get You Tricked”

Thank you sir for this very important public service announcement. This had to get out there. If this piece of information can save just one child from a Halloween full of disappointment it was all worth it.

On the flip side, I’d like to make an announcement to those trick-or-treating. If you’re a grown man or woman, say in your 30’s, and you walk up to my door, dopey grin on your face and plastic bag gingerly grasped in your desperate, sweaty hands, expecting Halloween candy this year, I will loudly chastise you in front of all the kids and neighbors as being an idiot. Trick-or-treating is for the kids. You can buy your own damn candy. Let’s keep it that way. Last year I had no less than 5 adults, sometimes with their kids, sometimes without, holding out bags to me wanting me to give them candy. I flat out refused and a couple of them got really pissed about it. Ok, seriously? Dude, you’re like 35. As fun as it would be for me to relive my trickin’ and treatin’ glory days, a man’s gotta have some dignity. And besides, if I give it to you, that’s like taking one more piece of candy out the bucket of oh, I don’t know…AN ACTUAL KID!

Stop it. Just stop it.

I do what I can. 😉 But I completely agree with you: Grown ups in bad costumes should try and avoid trick-or-treating. People get a little scared by that.

My dad did the same “treat inspection” after every Halloween. But in addition to tossing out all the homemade candy, he also picked out the best stuff for himself. A tradition I hope to pass on to my children someday…

And to add on to DJ D’s comment about trick-or-treating adults–let’s talk about costumes for a second. Showing up at my door in your jeans, a ratty old sweatshirt, and a plastic monkey mask is NOT a costume. Now, you show up in the whole damn ape suit? THAT’S commitment, and you get a whole fist full of candy for that one. And maybe a hug.

That is an awesome tradition. My folks said I was allergic to peanuts as a kid and I gave up all reese’s and snickers. Now I wonder. 😐 Still, that is a good tradition.

Sorry—one more thing about costumes, and this one is for the ladies (sorry if I’m bursting some MAJOR bubbles for the men out there):

Walking around in a push-up bra and fishnets is also NOT a costume. If you’re going to walk around all night in your underwear, at least make it creative: add some devil horns, some really creepy makeup, and a pitchfork and introduce yourself as one of Satan’s sexy minions. That would be awesome.

(No, adding fairy wings does not count as a creative slutty costume upgrade.)

I’m on board too with the slutty excuse costume. If you want to wear your underwear in public do it. Just don’t blame it on a kid’s holiday.

last year i gave candy to every single person that opened a bag in my face. that included the young couple with their two month old baby—baby had a bag and so did each parent. i didnt have the balls to say no. and i’d been drinking heavily to make it more fun, so my judgement was slightly impaired.

i guess i really dont care all that much. i actually found the parents less obnoxious than the high school kids in flocks of 10-12.

i guess, esp since i live in a town of like 6,000, there was plenty of candy to go around. halloween is for everyone, and if i had any excuse at all to go trick or treating, i probably still would.

Amy, if you see a guy in a fuzzy shark costume knock on your door, that’s me.

Those homemade candies never look like how they do on the box when you make it at home. As hard as you try they always look like shit unless it’s all one color. I don’t remember ever getting any for Halloween. We always got homemade cookies from the neighbors during Christmas time though. I only got pennies once or twice and I got raisins once or twice. I remember as a kid walking up to some freaky looking houses with freaky looking people in them! A few times there was heavy metal blaring in the house and some fucked up individual would eventually push the screen door slightly open to chuck candy at our bags. Who knows what they were up to. There would be black lights, skulls, fog machines etc. in their house like that was their motif. After I got candy and started walking away I felt grateful I lived through the experience.

Homemade candy never ever comes out how they look on the box. It’s not operator error either. It’s like Mcdonald’s food on the menu compared to what you get on the tray liner.

essytech, Yes! I totally agree. Last year, within the same group of adults without costumes that were expecting candy, there were flocks of kids without a hint of costume as well. I couldn’t believe it. I had never seen a sadder display of Hallow-laziness in my life. And they were all holding plastic grocery store bags. They couldn’t even score a $2.00 punkin-bucket from Wal-Mart. I mean, at least TRY to put some effort into this.

HA! Funny. Ok, so you’ve convinced me not to hand out baby carrots for Halloween this year. I probably won’t hand out anything b/c I don’t get trick or treaters. But that won’t stop me from buying the candy of course… I’ll just have to eat it myself.

Holy freaking cow. Some lady in my neighborhood actually distributed those God-awful blue peppermint disks last year. She had to have stolen them from the office cookie jar. Please, please, please…if you can’t do better than that, hide in the basement with all lights out. Better to not get candy at all, than to have your hopes for chocolate dashed by insidious candy. Would it be odd for me to print this post and slip it in her mailbox (sans my comment)?