Why haters? Why hate terns or turns? Your lack of proper spelling doesn’t make your disdain for terns an acceptable belief system in this day and age.

Yes, the City and County of Honolulu has posted signs throughout this once-great county opposing turns from Kaena to Kalihi. It’s a sad, sad, sad state of affairs. But the simple fairy terns (locally known also as white turns) are so despised that the local government has apparently sponsored signs like these (see picture above) throughout the island.

The simple black lettering of “no turns” is so cleverly laid over the obviously white background with the message of “No White Turns” so easily inferred. There it is, right beneath our slightly oversized noses. Deplorable!

“No right turns without stopping and yielding to pedestrians.” Really?!?!? These poor right turns have to yield to the bipedal? We’re taking away their right to fly gently overhead by making them yield to those forced to walk? When an animal is given the gift of flight we don’t see it as a gift. Instead our envy and desire for dominion over all creatures instead tries to minimize the gift of flight . How sad.

“No Left turns?” The poor left turns are required to pass through only left arrows? What sort of animal-bigotry are we willing to allow in our community!

“No U-turns?” Truly “Ewe Turns” named after their sheepish behavior are the least of our worries. Allow them to pass freely! This aggression will not stand, man.

Someone needs to stand up for this atrocity. Fortunately WE do. A group of concerned citizens formed in early 2015 or late 2014, (we’re not really sure) to form a vocal and vigilant advocacy group proudly standing up for those who cannot stand (and realistically be seen due to their short vertical height when on land), we are called: “Turns Allowed! Turns Aloud!” We vocally stand “proud and aloud” for terns (turns) who can but only trill a few whimsical notes for their equality. We fight to have all discriminatory signs removed from our island home. Our organization has been called many things including: “confused”, “obviously-misinterpreting-homonyms” to “surprisingly violent” and “erratic.” Fear not – we won’t let labels detract us from our mission to make Oahu and island where we can say freely:

“All Turns (Terns) Allowed”

Onward! W’eve already begun our passionate campaign and took our complaints directly to the City and County! When asked to remove these illegal and hate-filled signs the Department of Transportation representative (name possibly) Neaux Kahmment said removing the signs would pose numerous safety hazards. Pah! How ridiculous! We’ve stumbled on a conspiracy where the City and County knowingly allows illegal signs to be posted throughout the island – this must go all the way to the top!

To further our impact we’ve partnered with the nearly world famous group who’s moniker “No Aku Birds” aims to eradicate theft at human gatherings which is blamed on innocent birds. The humble and largely misunderstood group looks only to protect their belongings from predatory aku birds who might otherwise steal from them. In what we assume has roots in native mythology the aku birds apparently take on the form of humans prior to arriving at social gatherings to facilitate the theft of beer and other prized party items. We look forward to growing this partnership to protect the image of harmless birds.

Our pro-animal agenda is broad. Through we’re focused on turn equality in 2015 you can expect us to take on all animal rights issues in the future including misspelled anti-barking campaigns (No Dogs Allowed [aloud]) and the broader and reprehensible effort to keep all animals silent (NO PETS ALLOWED[aloud]). Unreal in this day and age, damn commies. These misspelled and misguided slogans still bring great harm to our community! Expect to hear more from us as we fight for animal rights. Based on both the quality and proliferation of the signs we’ve seen throughout the island we know our opponents are well funded. Regardless, stand up, say it loud and say it proud: “All Turns Allowed! All Turns Aloud!”

Our first rally attempted to remove one sign from a busy intersection in downtown Honolulu. After hours of sweating and several citations by HPD we realized this effort cannot be undertaken by just two (slightly inebriated) men. We need your support so one day we can realize more successes like this…..

Editor’s note: It turns out we might have misunderstood the nature of several signs throughout the island. We’re investigating further and will provide updates.

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Anthony loves to make people laugh and he finds the right balance of humor, insightfulness and wanton disregard for his own self-esteem when presenting or guiding guests through silly games or trivia. His stories of a life of mediocre accomplishments, odd people, epic failures and overcoming the simplest of obstacles will - at the very least - establish such a low standard by which all others can feel successful.

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