What Should James Comey Wear to Testify Before the Senate?

I hope everyone in D.C. is stocking up on weave glue because former FBI Director, James Comey is testifying in front of the Senate on Thursday and, to use legal terminology, it’s going to snatch them all bald. Comey, who at 6’7″, was tapped to lead the FBI because he could literally see Russia from anywhere he is standing, was unceremoniously fired by the president last month via a tweet that read “U suck.”

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The president offered a number of explanations for the dismissal from “he was a nutcase” (actual words from the “leader” of the “free” world) to “I saw him dancing with Goody Proctor in the moonlight.” The country as a whole replied “Sure, Jan,” and waited patiently for Comey’s side of the story. The willowy investigator better known as Government Groot has laid low over the last few weeks but, like jelly sandals or Country Time Miley Cyrus, he’s back and he’s here to stay.

All of Twitter is all atwitter about what Comey might reveal. It’s been widely reported that Senator John Cornyn will press him on whether there will be a second season of Big Little Lieswhile Senator Marco Rubio has a line of questions about when, exactly, the producers of The Bachelor knew that DeMario had a girlfriend and what the nature of that relationship was and why they thought that Whaboom was going to be a thing. It is also believed that Senator Kamala Harris will press Comey for Game of Thrones spoilers but that has yet to be confirmed. Comey has not read the books but has remained tight-lipped about whether he watches the series.

Obviously, this is going to be a scene, honey! The whole country is about to turn into that Michael Jackson eating popcorn GIF that, amazingly, never gets old. How is that possible? We got tired of Chewbacca Mom after a month but anytime there’s good drama on the internet, here’s the Thriller-era King of Pop(corn), just waiting to sop up all the tea.

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A number of broadcast networks will be switching over to the testimony as it happens, which is bad news for people who wanted to watch Steve Harvey make chimichangas with special guest Guy Fieri, but good news for people whose sole source of sustenance is good, messy, political drama.