E-mail has changed; can you update my notification options?

Darlene, I have had to open a new e-mail, so could you please send all the stories of other people to this e-mail, as I enjoy your site and don't want to lose out on reading anything.

Thank youRos Taprell

Reply from Darlene: Ros, the notification system on my site is automated. Canadian subscription laws prevent me from having access to either update or initiate notifications to individual contributors; that can only be done by the contributor.

Therefore, the only way to change your email address is to send me a brand new submission (as you did with this question). When I approve the contribution—when it gets posted on my site—the notification options you selected from the Thank You page and the email address you provided, would then be picked up by the system.

At the very bottom of the Thank You page you will be brought to after submitting your contribution, you will find the following:

Set Notification Options

Notify me when...

__ My contribution has been accepted.

__ Someone comments on my contribution.

__ When others contribute to this Web site.

Privacy: We promise to use your e-mail address only to notify you as you request.

The third notification option above is the one that will trigger the system to send you the New Contribution emails.

Ros, if you didn't select the third option, or if you provided the old email address when you submitted this query, perhaps you'd care to send another submission, such as one of your poems, so that your current email is the one you start receiving notifications to.

One more matter worthy of note: The last line of the notification options states the privacy policy of the company that powers my site. Their rules and regulations regarding privacy also address the issue of spam. It is this privacy policy that prevents me from directly emailing anyone who sends me a submission, unless that contributor expressly asks me to. Without express permission, I have no choice but to post submissions and my replies on this public forum.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

After filling out the simple form, within 2 - 30 minutes, you'll receive an email titled (Your name), Please Confirm Your Barriere Bits Subscription... You MUST respond to this email (a necessary legal step) by clicking onto the appropriate link, which you'll find 4 lines from the top of that email.

You will then receive a second email within a few minutes titled Welcome to Barriere Bits. Just 5 lines down on that second email, you will find the link that will take you to my back issues page. There you will find the links to ALL back issues.

It may seem like a lot of work, but it really isn't.

If you are already a subscriber, all Barriere Bits issues in your e-mail Inbox provide the link. You'll find it near the bottom of the particular issue you are viewing.

If you have deleted the issues from your Inbox, and thus no longer have access to the link, please write to me using the Ask Darlene form with the name and e-mail address you provided when you subscribed. Once I verify the information with my mailout records, I will send you a private e-mail with the applicable URL (link).

PLEASE NOTE: Anti-spam rules with my website host (SiteSell, the company I use to power my site) DO NOT permit me to e-mail you unless I'm given express permission to do so.

Female-male sexual abuse

by Victor
(Goleta, California, USA)

Thank you for your comprehensive, relatively balanced, and NON-propaganda-perverted site. As a female-male child sexual abuse 'victor' who has fought for decades in silence due to meanspirited ('gender'-as-female feminism is an inane, ugly and insane man-hating ideology) misandry, blatant social, cultural, and legal biases, and reverse sexism in the US 'rape crisis' industry, I am glad to see someone finally taking the time to tell some of the truth. I am also glad to see what is missing here...there are no loathsome lies about rape being "a crime of power but not of sex" nor do you falsify and misrepresent rape statistics to favor female victims at the expense of men.

Here are a few questions that I hope you will use to complete some of the areas that pertain to female-male child sexual abuse.

You write about male-female 'penetrative' sexual abuse. However, female sex offenders often rely on 'envelopation' to force their vaginas, mouths or anuses on men, young men and boys. Do you plan to make these sex-specific distinctions so that males can begin to understand how females offend in OPPOSITE ways from men? What was most terrifying for me as teen was the confusion caused by HOW female sex offenders commit sex crimes. Forwarned is forearmed. However, we men have precious little information to use to protect ourselves so far. Please show us how female sex offenders 'pull', entrap and envelop as opposed to how male sex offenders 'push', force and penetrate. The feature film Heading South shows some fairly graphic examples of female-male sexual aggression that you might be able to use as background. Please pay particular attention to the dialogue these women use.

My sisters committed serious forms of covert incest against me to use me as a protector, as a 'father', as a provider and as a 'friend'. I had no defense against these abuses because they were encouraged by my abusive mother and because they were called 'love'. Will you include SISTER-BROTHER incest as no less serious than the other three types you list?

I notice no knowledge here about Covert Incest. However this form of NON-CONTACT psychological incest is known to be common (especially in single-parent homes) and causes terrible consequences to the victims. Will you bring COVERT INCEST here for us so that when my local newspaper profiles a meth-mother who is raping her boys covertly I can show them your information and so that we can see this reported as the terrible abuse that it is. The award winning Israeli film Broken Wings is a heartbreaking story of covert incest from a first-born daughters point of view. I also ask that you google Covert Incest for more.

Question on Credentials

by Marlys W
(California, USA)

I'm a high school student who is trying to do a research paper on the effects of child abuse, but my teacher won't let me use your website unless I know your credentials and degrees that you hold. Would you please consider sending this information?

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "Question on Credentials" can be found at the link below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Darlene, did you get sexually abused?

by Angelie K
(Ontario, Canada)

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THROUGH A REALLY ROUGH TIME IN YOUR LIFE!!! I'm sorry about all this. I'm doing my speech on child abuse and all because of your advice, I'm getting great grades on it so far. I just want to let you know you are my role model!!! xoxo Have a great life.

LoveAngelie K

P.S. Just to make it so I'm not wasting your time, here's a question for you: Did you get sexually abused???

P.S.S. You don't have to answer it if it's too personal.

Reply from Darlene: Angelie, thank you for holding me in such high regard; and just for the record, you did NOT waste my time writing to tell me so. Accolades and acknowledgement are always appreciated.

I'm delighted that you are getting great grades as you work on your speech on child abuse, and that my site and the comments I offer to those who write me have taught you some important lessons about child abuse and its devastating effects. This is one of the reasons I created this website, and why I am so dedicated to maintaining it and giving a voice to those abuse survivors who may never before have had a voice. The rest of my answer can be found at the link below.

Another Request for an Interview?

by No Name Disclosed
(Ontario, Canada)

I'm a student doing a paper on sexual abuse for young children. As a part of this assignment I have to interview someone who is expert on it. But I read your blog and you said you can't answer me privately. So do I assume that I still have to submit my Question to you on your blog and I will be able to get my answers from the blog?

Where did the comments form go?

by Anonymous
(Canada)

Last night, when I checked yesterday's new stories, I saw that the form for leaving comments was gone. Darlene, did you stop accepting comments? I hope I can find it somewhere else because I want to be able to leave comments to people who tell their stories.

Reply from Darlene: Firstly, let me assure you, comments to individual contributors are still being accepted on my site.

As of last night, April 10, 2008, a change—what I see as a beneficial upgrade—was made to the system of posting comments to individual submitters.

At the bottom of all story, commentary, article, Ask Darlene and OpenSpace room pages you will find one of two links, depending on whether or not comments have been previously posted.

If there are NO comments posted, the underlined link will read: "Click here to post comments." If you click onto that link, you will be taken directly to the comments form, where you can post your response.

If there ARE comments posted, the underlined link will read: "Click here to read or post comments." If you click onto that link, you will be taken to the page that houses all previous comments. Once there, you'll see the underlined link "Click here to add your own comments." immediately following the title and again immediately following the last post on that page. If you click onto that link, you will then be taken to the comments form.

These upgrades pave the way for even further improvements to this system. One such improvement will permit me to change the comments format to be more in line with that of a forum: comments will appear oldest on top, newest on the bottom so that the flow will make more sense to my readers.

Another upcoming change will allow me to opt to have comments appear on the same page as the original submission. That option, when it becomes available, means my visitors will be able to easily refer back to the contributor's story, commentary, article, etc., in order to better tailor their comments to that person.

My individual contributors appreciate the supportive nature of the comments they receive. I thank you ALL for being so respectful.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Can I interview you?

by Vicky M
(California, USA)

I'm an 8th-grader at a middle school in California. Right now, I'm doing a very big project on a subject of our choosing, and I specifically chose child abuse. Part of my project is to interview 2 people that are experienced or experts at my topic. You're the perfect person to interview, and I was wondering if I can interview you. If not, do you know anybody else I can interview? Please contact me (if you can) if I am able to do my interview.

Thanks a bunch! - Vicky

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "Can I interview you?" can be found at the last link below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

How do I change my email address for notifications?

by Nikki S
(California, USA)

I wrote a story on your website. I was wondering, how do I change the email address the comments I receive go to?

Reply from Darlene: Nikki, I'm sorry to say there is no way for me to actually "change" an email address because I do not have access to the settings of the automated notification system. It's a programming barrier that has been incorporated due to subscription laws here in Canada.

However, there is a 4-step work-around that will get you to the same end.

Leave a comment using the form at the bottom of that page (i.e. a thank you to the people who have replied is always appreciated.)

Once you've submitted that comment, you'll be taken to my Thank you page. Here you'll have the opportunity to request notification when others leave comments that refer to your story. Click the box next to "Notify me when others leave comments", enter your email address, and then click the "Notify Me" button.

The next time someone comments on your story, you will receive notification through BOTH your new and old email addresses. In order to stop notifications to the old, scroll down to the very bottom of that email, to the line that reads: "To stop receiving notices, click on the unsubscribe link below..." Click onto the link. Just make sure you're doing this for your old email address; and you'll be good to go.

How do I leave feedback on comments?

by Ros Taprell
(New South Wales, Australia)

How do I leave feedback when other people have sent comments to me through your website?

ThanksRos

Darlene's Answer:I've decided to answer this question directly on this page because I get this asked of me a lot; and I would like my visitors to be able to find it easily, as I will have it listed on my Sitemap page for quick reference.

Providing feedback to people who have commented on your submission is very easy to do. Explaining it is a bit more complicated.

At the bottom of the page that houses your story, article, commentary or question, you'll find a form titled Comments? where a visitor can leave a message for the person who wrote the submission, OR the contributor can leave a message for a visitor who left a comment.

Tip: When leaving a reply to someone who left comments for you, refer to the person in the title box using either the name or title that person used. Don't forget to include your name (default is Anonymous) in the top box of the form.

The link just above the form "Click here to read visitor comments." takes you to the page where all the comments are housed, most recent one on top. To get back to the page with the comments form, hit your BACK button on your tool bar OR click onto the "Return to" link at the bottom of that comments page. The second "Join in and write your own page!" link at the bottom will NOT take you to the correct comments form; it will take you to the page where visitors can submit their own story, article, question, etc.

If you've requested a notification be sent to you when visitors leave comments, the automated email you receive will provide you with the URL as a link to get you to the comments page. EACH comment page is specifically assigned to ONE particular story, article, commentary or question.

I recognize the programming being used here is very basic; I have no control over that. Personally, I would like the link to the comments to take visitors to a page that includes the original submission, the comments to date (both for easy reference) AND the leave-a-comment form, all on one page. This would make things a lot simpler for my readers. While plans are in the works to provide a more user friendly format in the future, no ETA has been given.

Psychological Incest

by Joy
(Undisclosed)

I need input. I've been dating a man for 2 1/2 years. His daughter is 27 (he's 58). His first wife, mother of daughter, left them when she was 12. Father raised her and brother three years younger. His second marriage was destroyed by her (I was told) but he blames second wife for wanting him to "divorce" his kids. I just left him because what I witness is "Dad's" failure to put boundaries around adult daughter. She was openly rude to me (I joined dad to a wake, but she refused to come into the funeral home because I was with him). I never said, did, etc., negative to her to deserve it. After he walked me into the funeral home, he went right outside to be with her. That is just one example and the entire family permits lack of boundaries around the adult daughter and always say "well, her mother abandoned the kids when she was 12.) I also left because he also never could "partner" -- i.e., make joint decisions when both of us were affected by the decision. Is this type of behavior, failure to act as a partner in a relationship, also a symptom of psychological incest? She also still calls him "Daddy" despite that she's 27? Also, she was dating a guy, found out he was married, flew down to the Caribbean to break up with married boyfriend. Then still dates him for another 2 years, breaks up and my boyfriend tells me that she "just learned" boyfriend was married. Father constantly lets his adult daughter be a "victim" in her relationships. Is that a symptom of psychological incest?

My old boyfriend's second marriage failure because of his adult daughter. She relished telling me all about what he would do to wife #2 behind her back -- while the father sits silently when the daughter tells me that. Despite that his second marriage fell apart because he has no balance between relationship with lovers/wife/significant others and his daughter.

I really need help because I actually feel like a victim in their very, very unusual father-daughter relationship. I left because it made me mentally ill because my boyfriend (whose 58 yrs old) kept telling me that their relationship is normal. She fails to show up for XMAS, or calls another XMAS morning and refuses to talk to me because I answered the phone -- the father, kicked me and my 4 year old son out Christmas Day because she called and I answered the phone.

Reply from Darlene: Joy, I moved your comments to this Ask Darlene page because the individual comments pages are reserved for replies that are directed to the person who wrote the original article, story or commentary. It would be disrespectful to that contributor to deal with issues outside of the premise of their contribution. I'm sure you understand.

Joy, I've dedicated this site to child abuse issues, and as such, I do not offer relationship advice, nor am I a psychologist. I suggest you seek out the services of a relationship counsellor in order to help you deal with the emotions you have regarding the father-daughter dynamics in this family.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.