Archive for the ‘Nature’ Category

When it was revealed that drinking tea hotter than 158 degrees Fahrenheit could octuple your chances of throat cancer, the S.Y.N. offices understandably freaked out.

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Then we realized we all actually drink coffee like normal people and forgot about it.

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Except of course for Horatio, who’s a full on Brissy (British pussy) and is still asking people to look at his tubes everyday. And of course he whipped R&D back into a frenzy to find a solution (because just using a couple of damn ice cubes wasn’t Sciencesque enough).

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……Luckily, an easy breakthrough in polydendrole thermodynamics later and we had the answer: LORD KELVIN’S PERFECT CUPPA.

Big Daddy K

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Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

……Futrofitted with a common household magneto-optical trap, this teacup is photonized at a ridiculous rate, the light revolving through the tea thanks to the anti-helmholtz configuration of the cup’s coils which trap and disperse every other leaf-infused drop. The end result is nothing short of a revolution in the field of tea-technology: a teacup which impatiently forces your tea to swap between 459.7 °F and −459.7 °F ……………………………………………………………faster than you can say “Scone?” .

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Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

That’s right, your throat will never suffer the unnerving effects of cancer again because the massive temperature fluctuations of your Sleepytime blend will fully hornswoggle your neck nerves; yes sir, your tea will be in your tummy long before your esophagus figures out whether it should oncogenize uncontrollably or kick back with its slippers on. And you’ll have had a civilized cuppa without making a sacrifice to the dreaded “lukewarm tea ogre.”

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……So, if you must drink tea, and you must have it hot, try Lord Kelvin’s Perfect Cuppa and treat yourself to some of the slipperiest superfluids you’ve ever sipped!

Earl Grey would be proud

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……Oh, and I guess you could use the Cuppa for other drinks if you want…but not Hot Chocolate! That would be madness.

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Caution: Once your tea is poured into the Cuppa, please drink it immediately. Failure to do so may allow time for your tea to escape from the Cuppa and into the atmosphere of your home or place of business, where a bosenova could, and likely will, occur. And no, you won’t be able to dance to it, what with your feet being a fine pink mist..

……In today’s busy world, knowing when a storm is brewing is more important than ever.

But if you’re like most of our customers, you simply can’t abide that syphilitic local weatherman, and you’d rather have a deranged servant chew off your knuckles before sticking your hand outside in that germ encrusted air to see if it’s raining.

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……So what’s to be done?

Well the solution was so simple, we smacked around the janitor for not coming up with it sooner: high powered cosmic rays!

Specifically muons…apparently, when these little guys hit the dome of heaven, some kind of magic happens and it can tell us all about when/where/what Mother Nature’s going to crap down on us next.

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……Luckily, Stuff You Need has just the stuff you need – simply bury a few of these guys under your home:

And then start blasting them with this handy-dandy neutrino beam (which no home should ever be without):

You definitely don't want to get your junk caught in there

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Soon enough, you’ll have a better handle on what’s happening in your neck of the woods than Willard or Al, and as a free bonus: everything in your home will have that intense squeaky cleanness that can only come from bremsstrahlung radiation caressing every nook and cranny.

……So call today: our operators are standing by to get you “muon your way!”

I’ve gotten to talk to some of you by phone I’m sure, but now that we’re in this new, web-based economy, I can’t wait to “blog” you.

I’m of course here to help people with their problems on specific products, but a big part of my job is to answer your questions about our company and Science! at large. So, on Wednesdays I plan to ‘Whelk-out’ [grin] by digging deep in the brown muck of our mail bag to respond to your queries, and check out some of that crazy science flopping around our world.

I just know we’re going to have a lot of fun together =) !! So drop me a line at stuffyouneed [dot] 9000 [at] gmail [dot] com , or in the comments below!

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CASH MONEY: First up this week is the exciting news that President (dreamboat) Obama has pledged to raise the government’s funding of SCIENCE! I can’t tell you how excited everyone here was when we found out Obama’s going to spend as much on Research & Development as Military spending. That’s crazy! I mean, I didn’t realize they were ever separate in the first place, but to think that we’ll now have two streams of income to use in making radioactive nanobots, well that’s just super.

Our Experimental Accounting Division has already swung into action creating a whole new swath of shell corporations and cutouts unlinkable to us, so Stuff You Need can take full advantage of all these new, yummy taxpayer dollars.

We look forward to taking your money to make products we can sell back to you!

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HOBO PLANET: Maybe we can use some of that new money to help get Earth back on its feet and out of living in a junkyard. With all the space gunk orbiting us now, its no wonder we can’t get a clear shot of the lunar surface from our Subterranean Winterfresh Crystals Rayzor. Why, we only want our friendly Man in the Moon to be cavity free…

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VIET NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’! : Seeing old friends like Vietnam and Russia working together to move product warms my cockles. Just knowing that those big, silent boats are prowling the South China sea makes me think of my favorite musical – one guess! (ok, it’s Sweeny Todd!) AND, the best part is this is that new GREEN Economy at work, building a brand new submarine by recycling precious resources that might have been used for something impractical in Russia, like a school or housing.

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Well that’s it for this week, so thanks for coming by – I’ll be Whelking at you again soon!

One of the most maddening sounds any golfer will ever hear is the air horn blistering the sky on the 7th green as they’re in the middle of the best round of their life:.

…You: “Really? Now? I have to come in right NOW? Or I’ll be roasted by a bolt of lighting? But the sky is perfectly clear over there, several miles away…”

…Air Horn: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

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Trust us, our scorecard feels your pain..
But now let Stuff You Need be your caddy in life’s greatest game and bring you this new, PGA Rules committee-pending device: The SLICER. Just attach the 10 kilo, solid titanium scrambox to your bag and swing your big rods without fear.

Once activated, the suronucletic core located in the box will generate plasma bursts at an incredible rate, forming a roughly man sized filamentation shield around you and your clubs. The moment any lighting strikes you, the Slicer will violently curve it away and into the nearest grounded object, be it pin, cart or Todd, who just won’t shut up during your backswing.

You can thank you old friend lasers for the source of this trick: for some scientastic reason, they just totally Tiger-slap lighting bolts around until they’re begging for mercy on the back nine.

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So make storm clouds your Mickelson and get The SLICER: Cause when you’re taking skins off your buddies like a tanner, you don’t need ‘Old Lady Nature’ toasting your balls.

Happy Your Day, Earth! It’s the one day of the year where we call a cease-fire and not try to kill each other – you with your lavas and snakes, us with our carbon and M-16s pointed at the ground.

And in honor of this 39th Earth Day, I am announcing the discovery of a fabulous renewable energy source: E-MAIL SPAM!

Yes, R&D made this monumental discovery only just days ago when it was announced that internet spam has the energy output of over 2 Billion gallons of gasoline! Just think of the wars people would die in for that amount of delicious, silky oil.

I mean, who knew that every time Stuff You Need emailed our weekly catalog to every man, woman and child with an internet connection or metal plate in their head, we were bringing humanity one step closer to needing to buy S.Y.N.’s exclusive endodermal sun shield?

Well I knew I couldn’t just sit by and let this spam go to waste any longer; too many Nigerian princes and huge xxxPeN1seSxxx have fought too long and too hard for Americas to just hit DELETE a thousand times a day.

That’s why this Earth Day, I’m asking all of you to forward your spam direct to our great new invention: The SPAMURBINE!

Suck on that, Spam!

Designed specifically to take advantage of the trillions of spam shooting around the web every day, the Spamurbine is the first internet-to-generator power system capable of lighting up a good sized city (let’s say Cardiff). As spam is forwarded to the device, it is transmogrified from a mess of very perverted 101101001s into an even more disgusting physical representation of itself. Believe you me, there’s nothing quite like the sound of ten thousand prescription drug sales pitches made flesh hitting a solid zitanium fan spinning at 6,000 revolutions a minute.

But it’s all for an incredibly good cause, and one day soon we hope to have a Spamurbine sized for personal use to power your home, car and brain.

So the next time E-Bay says they need your credit card information directly or a cyrillic letter informs you that you’ve won a free college diploma, don’t add that spam to the carbon necklace choking the Earth: shove it in the SPAMURBINE, and bask in the warm glow self-rightousness.