Local Man Decides To Masturbate Later Instead

by Andrew Sanford

September 8, 2016 - Upper East Side resident Lawrence McClusky has decided to put his phone away and pleasure himself later this evening instead. McClusky, 32, achieved a powerful erection while searching the internet for US Open results and was primed for a good, strong tug on the ole’ kielbasa flute. He had second thoughts, however, when he realized it was only 4:45 in the afternoon. “Let’s be honest, if I wax my tackle, I’m gonna get sleepy,” McClusky told the press while microwaving his second piece of French bread pizza. “It's just too early for that. I’ve got a busy schedule lined up.” For the rest of his evening, McClusky says he intends to “finish that new episode of Arrow,” as well as “finally watch the Big Short.” As for future plans to stroke his beige lizard, McClusky had this to say: “Yeah, probably later. Ya know, after the movie. Then I’ll finally get some rest.”