Government minister says only smart-arse blacks to be allowed into the country

The government has today announced that immigrants will only be allowed into the country in future if they are able to command a salary of over £31000 per year.

In a document entitled "How we intend to keep the riff-raff out" the government has specified that it is not in favour of encouraging additional numbers of scroungers and benefit cheats into the country - "We have more than enough white British people who can laze away and scrounge off the state without encouraging more dirty foreigners in to do the same," a spokesperson said.

An unidentified source confirmed that as the government was multiplying the number of British residents who require middle-management or unskilled jobs, it would be crazy to add more at this time. "To be fair, we're doing these potential immigrants a favour, the source said. "With all the white people losing their jobs at the moment who is going to employ some smelly foreign oik? They're better off staying in their own country and cleaning the bogs there instead.They'll thank us for this in the end."

Another MP confirmed that only people who would improve the country will be allowed in. "We need people who can speak English and earn loads of dosh," said the noted backbencher and 1922 committee member, "You know, proper supporters of the country who will promote the best of British values such as fairness and compassion."

No opposition was heard from Tory backbenchers who were satisfied that their personal assistants, both male and female, were likely to comfortably meet the expressed limit. It is understood that these, mostly exotic, helps command fees of over £300 per hour with added bonuses for late night and weekend 'unsocial hours' working.

Opposition MPs commented that the government approach was elitist and likely to lead to a reduction in community cohesion and the availability of all-night corner-shopping.

The government's coalition partners were said to be giving full consideration to the report, which they said had not been seen before publication and had not been discussed with them, as usual.