Stillborn - The Ophelia Diaries

Monday, 23 November 2015

On Saturday at 5:05pm we welcomed your little brother, Foster Cole Hancon into the world and he weighed exactly the same as you, little chubbster! He is so beautiful, just like you and we are just overwhelmed with love for both of you... we are so lucky to have such gorgeous babies!

He came out like a freight train and before Mummy had time to really consider any pain relief. He has a bit of a grunt so has been given antibiotics as a precaution and feeding so far is a bit tricky but I am sure we will get the hang of it!

Thank you for watching over him whilst he was inside Mummy's tummy. It was such an incredibly hard journey to get him here but he is worth every second, just like you are.

We will tell him all about you and as his name means "keeper of the forest" he will always protect your memory here on earth as you protect him from the clouds.

Mummy, Daddy, Foster and Marley love you all so much, we wish you could be here too but we know you are with us all in spirit.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

You would have turned 14 months old yesterday and to be honest in terms of the pain I feel at the moment it might as well have been yesterday that you died. Mummy can hold back the tears for the most part, especially in front of other people but when I am on my own I let go and allow grief to wash over me.

Mummy has been finding thing incredibly hard recently and my anxiety levels seem to be sky high! Both your Daddy and I are still going to counselling but Mummy feels like she needs more, maybe CBT, or hypnotherapy... I just want some of my old confidence back. The thing Mummy REALLY struggles with is talking to people on the phone, I hate it! Daddy and I bought a new sofa not long ago but it soon started to bobble and we needed to get someone out to look at it. As Daddy is at work all day it was left for me to arrange for the upholsterer to come out the house, Mummy managed it somehow but in order to get the sofa sorted I need to speak to Harvey's resolution team. They rang over three weeks ago now and Mummy hasn't found the courage to call them up again. Mummy cracked last week after a seperate incident and called Daddy in tears (he is the only one I feel comfortable calling) "I can't talk to people on the phone, I really hate Paul!" I think that was when he actually understood properly how difficult it is for me. Mummy doesn't know why it is difficult though, maybe it is because of the potential for bad news or because I might cry down the phone to some receptionist somewhere,. Whatever the reason, it is what it is.

The other thing Mummy struggles with is my appearance, I have never been a beauty queen but I did used to feel confident in the way I looked (bar the odd few wobbles). I don't now, I have changed my hair four times in the past year because I just want something to make me feel good again, feel pretty but I don't. I feel second rate. Daddy sometimes tries to take photos of me but my rapidly decreasing eyebrows (brought on my a completely irrational need to pull out my hair) and my double chin make me feel so ugly that I feel sorry for Daddy, he didn't marry that! It hurts Daddy, I know it does but sometimes I really hate myself! It was my body that failed you! I often wonder if you would have been proud to point me out as your Mummy at school...

Mummy wishes she didn't feel this way. Mummy wishes she didn't have to miss you so much. Mummy wishes you were here.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Mummy is sorry this is a bit late, sometimes it is just too difficult to write!

You, my darling turned one on 7 July, Mummy simply cannot believe a year has passed since we last saw you. So much time has passed that you sometimes feel like a dream, Mummy finds that very hard. It is almost as if this happened to someone else, if Mummy is honest it did...

Mummy and Daddy found it really hard to decide what to do about your birthday and we only made a final decision a few days before. So your day started at your spot, Daddy and I bought you some ballons which we tied to your tree and we also bought your gifts and a nice chocolate cake with a sparkler candle and a normal one. Both Mummy and Daddy cried as we started to read the cards, it really hits us when we are there exactly what we deal with every day. We tried hard to keep it together for you though so that we could enjoy your "party" as much as possible. Your gifts from Mummy and Daddy were two Peter Rabbit books which we read to you and a healthy baby hamper which we bought to help an expectant mother in a poor country, we hoped you liked them! After we read your stories we tried to light your candles but it was so windy it didn't really work, so we decided to light them at home at 20:11 which is the time you were born. Just before we left Daddy planted a lily for you which should be flowering now and we also went to the office to buy you a vase which could stay on your plot.

We then said our goodbyes and Daddy and I let your balloons go so you had something to play with before we made our way back home. When we opened the door we were greeted with around 10 cards from your friends and family all wishing you a happy birthday, it really was lovely and Mummy and Daddy really appreciated it. Thank you for remembering!

The next part of your day was at the Sea Life centre in Birmingham where we saw some penguins, sharks, stingrays and jelly fish which was very fun. Your Mummy even touched a starfish! Once we had gotten round all the attractions we went to the shop and bought you a little penguin souvenir which now sits next to Ralphy the Christmas fox in the front room. After we had finished at the Sea Life Centre Daddy and I went to Ed's Diner for party food, Daddy had a massive chocolate milkshake which he enjoyed a bit too much... he almost didn't eat his lunch!

We then finished of your day with another balloon release and the lighting of the candles at 20:11. Although it was a hard day we hope you were proud of how well you Mummy and Daddy did and we hope you enjoyed the day.

Happy 1st Birthday little one, we love you so, so much!

Mummy will write again soon.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The lost Birthday - Sarah Hancon

The house is oh so quiet
No balloons nor party hat
No children playing wildly
Or adult chatter-chat
For today there is no party
No cake or gifts around
For you my dear, sweet darling
Are resting underground
It would have been so lovely
To have you here today
To see you laugh and smile
On this your first birthday.

About Me

I'm an average lady just trying to do my best everyday to deal with the loss of our beautiful baby girl! I have a wonderful husband, amazing friends and family and a mini dachshund I would do anything for. Ophelia you are forever loved.