Will Bin Laden Baby Mama Drama Become Problem(a) for Grandpa Osama?

July 12, 2010

Okay, it's from Harold and Kumar. But you know some people actually see this when they hear "Omar Bin Laden."

Every now and then, the New York Post finds their tragically underrated Middle Eastern Affairs desk at the top of their game. The story of Omar bin Laden hiring a pretty, young, British twentysomething to carry his child — and thus, the grandchild of his infamous terrorist dad, Osama Bin Laden — is certainly no exception.

Yeah, British 24-year-old Louise Pollard is carrying the grandchild of The Biggest Asshole of the 21st Century, Osama Bin Laden. It’s like a particularly bad episode of 24 meets Juno….with stricter parenting. Honest to blog:

Louise Pollard, 24, agreed to be a surrogate mom for Omar bin Laden, 29, one of bin Laden’s many children, and his wife, Zaina, 54. The couple hired the young blond personal assistant, and she became pregnant on her third attempt at in-vitro fertilization, a British newspaper reported yesterday.

Thanks for telling us Which British Newspaper, New York Post, who thinks they all “read the same in the light.” For the record, it was the Daily Mail. Pollard and Bin Laden and Bin Laden’s now ex-wife — who left him after he started hearing Osama’s voice in his head, which he committed himself to a mental institution for, true story — froze The Sacred Terrorist Ji(had)zz two years ago. Somehow, the fact that Omar, like, totally fucking hates his embarrassing Dad and hasn’t talked to him in 10 years has escaped everyone — including the Post, who only noted that he has “publicly rejected” Osama — as he’s been denied travel to the U.K., and also, everyone hates him. Because this wouldn’t be a good scandal without the ignoramuses of the world making it better.

Yes: As they’re wont to do, a bunch of people even more ridiculous than the person who willfully submitted to having Osama Bin Laden’s grandchild (“Elizabeth“?) without thinking this would happen are sending her death threats, because this kid’s going to be the one making the world a worse place, of course. As opposed to the people leaving a pregnant woman and her unborn baby death threats. Of course.

So! For the sake of Louise Pollard, Zaina Bin Laden, Omar Bin Laden, and Little Omar (and Omar Little?), will Bin Laden step forward to ask people to make the world a better place by not being mean to the son of the son of his who hates the shit out of him before he even gets here? Probably not! Because that’s what terrorists and bad, guilt-trippy parents do (or don’t do, for that matter). At the very least, maybe all parties involved could just open up an Island Resort only three hours from New York, so I or my predecessor or someone, somewhere, may eventually append the world “Bahama” to that headline, making it even more awesome than it already is.