Opinion: A true veggietale

I just returned from this year’s Indiana State Fair. It was very bad timing, because I had just seen the government’s reissued dietary guidelines online. I’m not a fan of the current administration, but I thought in this area they were going to cut us some us some slack – or a least a big piece of chocolate cake.

I can exercise five times a week, cut down on carbs, eat three fruits a day and choke down eight glasses of water (if I get to count Scotch and water). I can eat cod once a week for the omega fat benefits. But I can’t do 11 vegetables a day. No way.

This new food pyramid, which would make pharaohs roll over in their graves, now suggests that we need almost a dozen servings of the green, yellow and orange stuff every day.

When God invented sex, he made the act pleasurable; otherwise, people would have skipped it and gone fishing instead. Where would we all be now? I don’t know, but we’d be eating a lot of fish.

If God can make a waterfall, why can’t broccoli taste like mint chip ice cream? When you’ve got the gift of miracles, flaunt it. If all these things are so good for you, why weren’t they made better tasting? Wouldn’t you just love to hear your kid say at McDonald’s, “I’d like a Big Mac and a large order of beets, please”?

My wife is a health nut. She suggested that instead of seeing vegetables as tiny pieces of tasteless greenery, I should find some creative way of eating them. So, I would like to share with you my plan for getting in your 11 veggies a day.

BREAKFAST

Two Bloody Marys (with V-8 Juice and celery sticks)

Corn chips and guacamole

Total veggies: 4

LUNCH

One Bloomin’ Onion (steakhouse-style)

Two pieces of zucchini bread with vegetable hummus

One cup of salsa

Deep-fried cauliflower

Total veggies: 4

DINNER

Two hard-boiled eggs (colored with vegetable dye)

Three pieces of cream cheese carrot cake

Corn fritters with ketchup

One martini with two olives

Total veggies: 8

That’s 16 servings of vegetables! I can’t wait to start this new diet tomorrow. I just wish I hadn’t eaten all that junk at the fair.