In less than 24 hours I’ll be back on casodex. My anxiety has been creeping up all day. There are two possible outcomes for my return to casodex. One, I slip into a deep depression, because not enough time has passed since the radiation and the antidepressant cocktail isn’t strong enough. Then it’s back to square one for the antidepressant cocktail and getting more time between me and the end of the radiation. It would take at least a month and probably more to find a new cocktail. Each iteration of the cocktail takes about a month to determine if it works. During this time the cancer would be growing inside me unimpeded.

The other outcome has me staying free from significant depression and allowing the casodex to do its stuff starving off the cancer. The plan is I would stay on casodex or something with similar side effects for the rest of my life. When I think about that phrase, “the rest of my life,” a chill runs down my spine. To sign up to hot flashes, cold sweats, irritability, depressive bouts (hopefully mild), and a loss of libido, for the rest of my life, is suddenly very scary. Especially now when I’m asymptomatic and feeling good on the current cocktail. But I really have no choice. I have to resume fighting the cancer as soon as I can.

This all drives home what the future holds when the casodex stops working – different drugs, worse side effects. I try to not think about it much and am usually successful, but tonight I’m not doing such a good job.

Odd how negative feelings seem to demand our attention while positive ones are woefully polite. Try not to let thoughts of the future detract from your current relative stability. Maybe focusing on the good while you can will replenish you before the next fight. (And here’s hoping the next fight is fixed in your favor!) Easy for me to say, I know …