One over reacting mother.

Hey Everyone.

Haven't used this much but i figured tonight I needed to vent/ask for advice. Tonight my mother found my stash (it's under my bed within the bed frame) my stash had been secure for around oh 1+ year's and I guess tonight was just unlucky. My parent's have approached me in the past about them and my mother is always the one that get's really angry at me for it. Like I came in tonight and all she said was "Go sort your room out", I asked her what's wrong and she said "Don't talk to me just sort your room out".

The sad thing is, in the past my father would usually calm her down and he was the more understanding one even though he was older than her. Sadly lung cancer took him away from me last March and now im left to deal with her on my own. Until now I guess I've been living on borrowed time and I just want some advice on what I should do or say.

When it was last brought up, I was in Sixth form (UK) didn't have a job and was very unhealthy weight wise. Now however I'm 19, at university getting good grades, I have a job, I have a girlfriend who's very supportive. I just can't wrap my head around why she's being this way.

Well, your 20 an adult and yes you live in her house but what rules or laws are you breaking?i would approach it as a young man and remind her she invaded your privacy and you sorted your room out and everything is back in its original place! Do you have any questions mom?

It is her house, so her rules are law, unless you are paying rent, then you have a little bit of leeway, but there are still some amount of subjugation you have to submit to. It really is her responsibility as a common courtesy to discuss and agree on the rules of your staying there since she is the head of the house. Since she is being so vague and isn't capable of having an adult conversation about the topic, I'd say that you shouldn't read into it, even knowing what it is that she is implying, wait for any major changes until she is capable of being direct about it, at which point you can attempt to keep the conversation mature. If she brings it up in a direct manner:

1. Mention that you don't know what rules she is expecting because there hasn't been any conversation about it.
2. Mention that you are an adult and deserve privacy, if there were agreed rules, then you are capable of keeping them without her staring over your shoulder, but until you know what she expects and what you agreed to do, she shouldn't expect you read minds, and you still deserve your privacy even if she hasn't set specific rules.
3. Mention that there isn't anything bad about your lifestyle and if she is concerned that there is, you are plenty happy and capable of answering questions.
4. If she makes your staying in her house conditional on you tossing out your diapers, buckle up and do it. Express that it will be a hard thing for you to do because this is a special and important part of who you are, it benefits you by being relaxing(or in whatever way it is helpful to you), but if she is insistent then you will do your best to suppress this part of yourself until you move out.
5. If 4 and no give, do your best to maintain that promise and try to get ready to move out when it is financially and educationally feasible.

Remember, you are defending yourself and she is probably expecting you to be her child who has to obey everything 'or else'. You are an adult though, and there is nothing wrong with you defending yourself, and choosing your own life choices, although some consequences you might not like (such as getting kicked out). She might not like that you are defending yourself, but she should respect you as an adult, enough to listen to you and to take the time to bargain with you.
One of the best ways to keep a conversation civil, is to do your best to make the person not feel like they are the target of an attack. Whenever it becomes necessary to talk with her directly on this subject, use the word "I" rather than "you" wherever possible. Rather than saying, "You never told me the rules," say, "I was never told there was a rule on this." Regardless though, she is probably going to get either upset, or emotional about this whole discussion, do your best to keep yourself speaking at a normal pace and a normal volume to make sure you aren't becoming the emotional one.

Meanwhile, since she isn't being mature enough to talk to you directly about it, I'd suggest one of two paths.
1. Keep your stash where it is, if you are going to reasonably play the "I wasn't aware that this was a rule" card, then you need to show you are not ashamed of who you are. This presents an issue though, because she is going to come in some time, and discover you haven't done anything. This is just going to push her into being more direct, or into passive aggressive vill where she goes and throws away your diapers for you. If she tosses out your diapers, you are going to have to go fish them out of the trash, and then be the adult and kindly ask her why she tossed them out. I would only suggest this path if you feel confident in your ability to direct a civil conversation with her about the previously mentioned discussion topics.

2. Move your stash into a better location, maybe even the trunk of your car. If she claims she knows you moved it, ask her why that is a problem.

Along with all of that, the most important thing you can do, is solidify her need for you to stay there. Spend time doing things to help her appreciate your presence. Do dishes, clean areas of the house, find time to hang out with her casually. The more friendly she is with you, the less likely she is going to resort to drastic measures, and the more likely she will attempt to keep you around, thus hear you out.

As an acceptation to everything I said, remember that you know your Mom better than the rest of us, and my advice might be totally wrong. I mostly write this under my perspective based on my ideals and convictions. If you think that your mom is on the edge enough to kick you out, then you might just need to play it safe and get rid of the diapers. In my opinion though, you have the right to an adult conversation about all of this, and so far she hasn't given you one.

Given your dad's passing, its probably safe to say your mom isn't in the best of places herself. Try to remember that.... you're getting closer by the day to being off on your own and facing the adventure of life, while she's on the other side of the slope. A lot of what she says and does is going to be poorly thought through and just a reaction to "one more damn thing I don't need right now". Then there's menopause.... at the risk of being labelled sexist (in addition to my already acknowledged status as the forum's resident bigot/racist/homophobe), women can and do get randomly nutty at a certain age through no fault of their own.

Have some consideration, and try not to overreact yourself to what seems like unreasonable behavior.

It is her house, so her rules are law, unless you are paying rent, then you have a little bit of leeway, but there are still some amount of subjugation you have to submit to.

I never understood the "their house, their rules" logic. It's supposed to be a family, it's not "their" house, it's "our" house. It's not like a parent is just another landlord.

I mean I agree that if you're leaving with your parents you can't do everything that you would be able to if you have your own place, but a son or daughter is not a stranger that you're allowing to live in your house, they are family.

Along with all of that, the most important thing you can do, is solidify her need for you to stay there. Spend time doing things to help her appreciate your presence. Do dishes, clean areas of the house, find time to hang out with her casually. The more friendly she is with you, the less likely she is going to resort to drastic measures, and the more likely she will attempt to keep you around, thus hear you out.

Well said, and not just for selfish reasons. It's the right thing to do.

I never understood the "their house, their rules" logic. It's supposed to be a family, it's not "their" house, it's "our" house. It's not like a parent is just another landlord.

I mean I agree that if you're leaving with your parents you can't do everything that you would be able to if you have your own place, but a son or daughter is not a stranger that you're allowing to live in your house, they are family.

In an Ideal world, maybe its "our" house, however how does the OP have any claim to ownership to the house by law, or even principle. At most the OP has claim by moral. (edit) Also there is an age limit where a state will say it is illegal to kick your child out of the house, however that is usually around 17 +/-, so legally, the OP doesn't have protection except maybe a 2 week warning of eviction period that is often mandatory.

Also, to OP, if your Mom ever asks why you have been hiding this stuff from her, just let her know that you didn't think it was necessary for her to know what kind of underwear you like to wear. Its a smart ass comment, but it is true.

Well, your 20 an adult and yes you live in her house but what rules or laws are you breaking?i would approach it as a young man and remind her she invaded your privacy and you sorted your room out and everything is back in its original place! Do you have any questions mom?

Unless you are paying rent and have a formal lease that is a bad idea. Without a lease you are a guest in the house and if you came home to find the locks changed and your stuff on the lawn in most places you would have no recourse.

OP needs to be diplomatic. You can try to push the "I am an adult and deserve privacy angle" but it could backfire. Realistically you should be apologetic and get a locking chest for your stuff until you move out. Getting booted out while you are still in school would be bad but living in a house with tension is almost as bad.

I would take back that letter if possible.

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Originally Posted by Zendot

I never understood the "their house, their rules" logic. It's supposed to be a family, it's not "their" house, it's "our" house. It's not like a parent is just another landlord.

Legally they are. Young people end up homeless over stuff like being gay or picking the wrong religion fairly regularly.

Sadly, my mom was a my house my rules person, and when she discovered my stash, things got ugly. It's equally unfortunate in that you sound like you're doing very well with your studies and how you're living your life. I would probably hope this passes into faded memories, but if not, you need to have a very calm and rational discussion, maybe trying to alleviate some of her fears. For all of us, we need to remember that everyone else, those who are not attracted to diaper wearing, have absolutely no understanding as to why we do have this attraction. You can't blame them when you look at this objectively. I do feel sorry for you though as I've been there.