Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

January 24, 2006

24

OK, I have read through all 18,763 comments on last night's episode, and I have only one question: What the hell happened?

But seriously: I think I have the gist of it. There was a mole at CTU, yes? The 9-year-old that Chloe was boinking? And they figured this out? Of course it's not much of a mystery: There's always a mole at CTU. They have some kind of affirmative-action program that requires them to hire a certain percentage of mole-Americans. The guy's ID tag probably said "MOLE."

Anyway, they figured out that he was a mole, and that the guy who works in the White House is a mole. is that right? And Jack stabbed somebody in the neck with scissors? Good for Jack! It's time he branched out. Why did he stab the guy? Not that it matters, really.

And I gather that First Lady Cleavage is on the run in her pajamas. Also good. What about the canisters? Do we know what they're for yet?

Other than these minor questions I feel totally up-to-date. Thanks again for your efforts. Everybody should take today off.

VALENTINE'S DAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

WHOA

Looks like you folks did some very strong analyzing last night. I will analyze your analysis later today when I get a break from strumpeting. Meanwhile, I want to thank the blogsters who came out to Naperville last night and gave me an official blog name tag and, for judi, Barbie's new boyfriend. Apparently Barbie ditched Ken and has a new boyfriend named, I think, Blair. Here we all are:To be honest, Blair looks to me like he might be more interested in Ken, not that there is anything wrong with that.

January 23, 2006

24

As we begin tonight's episode, the situation is very, very bad. The bad guys have canisters, and the nation is doomed. But Jack Bauer is on the case, so there is no question that before long everything will be much, much worse. I'm going to be at a booksigning in Naperville, Ill., so I will miss tonight's action, which means I'm relying on you folks to rave like lunatics provide expert analysis in the comments section. Thank you, and good luck, and if you are wearing corduroy pants with vertical piping for God's sake do not walk around too much.

URGENT ADVISORY FOR MEN

I am book-strumpeting in Chicago today, and on a local TV morning show one of the news personalities reported that men's corduroy pants with vertical piping can produce friction that causes a condition called "dangerously hot crotches." I am not making this up. She used the term "dangerously hot crotches" at least five times. So be prepared, corduroy-wearing men. Take precautions. Always carry lemonade.

FUN NEW CRITTER DISCOVERED

ADVISORY

I apologize for the lack of blog posts from me, but I'm still out being a book strumpet. In the past week I've strumpeted for my book on pretty much every television show there is, as evidenced by this unretouched photograph of a TV screen:I have some troubling news: According to my book-tour schedule, I'll be at book-signings tomorrow night and the following Monday night, which means I'll miss the next two episodes of 24, at a critical time when the nation is under attack by bad-accent canister-wielding terrorists abetted by the evil mole weasel presidential aide who choked the first lady and snatched a classified document from her cleavage. I'm going to miss what happens next and I CAN'T STAND IT. I will be counting on you folks to keep me posted. Thank you.

(Note: The YELLOW FOR CAUTION warning is down there, at the bottom. Be cautious. You probably don't even want to read this.)

During a gathering of about eight of our closest friends, something mysterious happened. The surprise was not an immediate surprise. We had the pleasure of a strange smell coming from our bathroom for three days before we actually discovered the wonderful present one of our friends had left us. We scoured the entire bathroom before we discovered it. I mean, who thinks to look under the cabinet for poop when cleaning the bathroom?

After bleaching the room from top to bottom with the pesky smell still lingering, we investigate the unexpected smell source, our bathroom cabinet. Whereupon, we found a Pittsburgh Pirate cup with dried out brown paper towels on top. After calling in several roommates to investigate, we all confirmed the smell source. It was immediately thrown away outside. Several minutes later after jokingly referring to how ridiculous it would be for someone to poop in a cup, curiosity overtook us. We went outside to the trashcan armed with rubber gloves. We picked the cup up out of the trash and dumped it out. Sure enough, poo.

And now we're wondering . . . how close are these close friends of ours? I mean one of them pooped in a cup and put it in our cabinet. Who does that? Just in case anyone out there finds themselves with a cup full of poo, make sure you take it with you when you leave. Because as much as your friends love you, they do not love finding your poo in a cup three days later under their cabinets. If in fact you find yourself a recipient of this wonderful gift, we want to let you know that a lot of beer and a pack of cigarettes helped us forget about it for about four hours while the buzz lasted. We're still pissed. Kelly Tucker & Molly Laurence, Washington, D.C.

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

January 19, 2006

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Thanks to the folks who came to my booksigning tonight in Atlanta. Several people boldly identified themselves as having connections with this blog, including Tamara (Rhymes with Camera) who continued the increasingly disturbing trend of people giving me gifts by presenting me with a giant Rice Krispie treat oosik, which can be seen being clutched nervously in the exclusive CrapCam photo below. I don't know how Tamara made this oosik, and I don't want to know.

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS

WE'VE KNOWN A LOT OF GUYS LIKE THIS

I'm an attorney in Tacoma and I stumbled onto your blog because I'm also a 24 fan (it doesn't hurt that I'm a long time Dave Barry fan too).

Anyway, I saw the post about the oosik and thought I should write.
I did some legal work years ago for a gentleman who collects Alaskan art and artifacts, including oosiks. He owns many, some of them intricately carved. The fact about oosiks I thought you might like to know is that the most valuable ones are covered with spider web-like networks of hairline fractures.

It seems that walruses not only suffer from raging mating instincts, they also suffer from extremely poor vision. When the mood strikes, they look for a mate. They sometimes see large, dark shapes in the water they believe to be good-looking female walruses. After using their best moves they discover they made love to a boulder, hence the fractures in the oosik. It's not easy being a walrus in love.
Feel free to use the info (check it out for yourself) but please do not use my name.

January 18, 2006

DC UPDATE

Thanks to the blogsters who came out to the signing tonight, some of whom are pictured in the exclusive CrapCam photo below. (I'm hoping they'll identify themselves in the comments.) I'm the one who appears not to have had any sleep for several consecutive months. The woman in front wearing the flowered blouse -- Rita, I believe -- brought me a very nice woolen thong that she knitted. It is roughly the size of a pup tent, and it says "DC BLOGLITS SUPPORT DAVE IN 2008." I shall cherish it always, from a safe distance.

ALL WE CAN SAY IS...

TODAY SHOW UPDATE

While I was sitting on the set, waiting to go on, Ann Curry wandered by and said, quote, "Your hair is kind of pouffy." She then licked her hand and pressed down on my hair in an effort to mash it down. So if I looked unusually stylish this morning, the credit goes to Ann Curry's personal saliva, which I strongly recommend.

BREAKING UPDATE ON GENE WEINGARTEN'S WALRUS-PENIS BONE

QUESTIONABLE eBAY ITEM

Mr. Gene Weingarten sent in this unusual eBay item. I think it may be too tasteless to put on the blog, but before I make a final decision I thought I should check with you folks. If you do not wish to expose your eyeballs to a questionable eBay item, please do not click on the link. Thank you.

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

I don't know how anybody sleeps in midtown Manhattan. I can get used to the taxi drivers honking their horns, which they do whenever the encounter an emergency situation, such as another vehicle. But I cannot adjust to the Mystery Loud Noises that always happen right outside my hotel room. Last night it sounded like they were feeding dump trucks through a wood chipper. I don't know why this has to be done at night, but it never fails. There are burly workmen out there, and at some point they check their watches and say, "It's 2 a.m.! Time to fire up the wood chipper!"

Other than that, things are going fine. If you see me out there, please wake me up and say hi.

January 17, 2006

24

The missing comments on last night's episode appear to be back. Also, I just realized that Jack Bauer uses exactly the same model of CrapCam phone as I do. Which means that, theoretically, I can use my phone to detonate people remotely. I promise to use this capability responsibly.

TROUBLE WITH THE BLOG

Thanks for all the emails with the ^*&^%T*&^%*_* comments about the &)(*^(*%^&^% blog and the )*&^*(&%(&^ missing posts. We have contacted CTU to see if Jack can shoot Typepad someone in the thigh. If that doesn't work, we'll go for the big guns.

CREEPING FASCISM

24

Good work by everybody last night. Unfortunately a whole bunch of comments have mysteriously disappeared. We don't know who took them, but we have our suspicions.

Anyway, if we understand the plot correctly, the whole airport deal was just a subplot, and the real plot concerns the fact that terrorists have gotten hold of a bunch of canisters. We don't know what's in these canisters. We are not 100 percent sure how to spell "canisters." But canisters are never good.

Speaking of canisters: the first lady's cleavage played a key role in the plot last night. Also, a hobbit is running the CTU.

And there are 20 hours to go.

Anyway, thanks to all of you for your efforts. I'll continue to check in when I can from book tour. You folks should get some rest. And remember to turn off the TV.