Obstructions

For me that would be the things I do to quiet the fear, my remedy for ignoring the things that I need to face. Given that I’m now writing about it, I’m slowly recognizing it for what it is. I’m finally realizing that it’s time to step forward and just DO all those things I am meant to DO! I need to stop placing obstacles on my path because that’s the only way to conquer the fear.

Living in fear I noticed that I started reversing good habits. I developed bad eating habits (never seemed to have any groceries)! I started skipping workout classes and found really good reasons to justify it. I stayed up far, far too late doing a whole lot of nothing. I have to admit to being a bit of a nighthawk! And as big as big gets, I perfected the art of procrastination! I let it all become a major part of my personal bullshit, and it turns out that I can do bullshit really, really well! And sadly, all of it was meant to keep me “safely” in place.

Some people can spend many, many hours sitting in front of a TV watching other people live their lives. I don’t have a TV, but I can lounge with the best of them.

My greatest time-wasters (placed in time dedicated order):

Poker (Texas Hold’em) – played on my cell phone.

Solitaire – played on my cell phone.

Sudoku – played on line. I like numbers and I convinced myself that I was keeping my mind sharp!

Chess – played on the computer every now and again.

Poker was my biggest time waster. I accumulated such a stupidly huge amount of PLAY money – $321 million dollars, and realized that shit had to stop!! I’m laughing my fucking ass off! I didn’t stop because I recognized that it was a time waster per se, it was the amount accumulated that did it for me. I think I shamed myself into stopping – I took a look at the amount accumulated, giggled quietly and decided I was quite happy with my bounty, and didn’t need to play anymore. I played that game religiously! Hours and hours of it – every single day. Still laughing loudly! I let entire days disappear with me sitting quietly playing on my phone. Given the amount accumulated, you know I was dedicated to the game.

Did I stop playing on the phone after that – well no! I just found a replacement game – Klondike (aka Solitaire). I’d start off thinking that when I got three wins, I was good to go. But then I’d convince myself that I was having so much fun, I’d keep playing. Talk about procrastinate, that shit got the better of me for a very long time – oh my god, I am in stitches! I should be embarrassed admitting all this, but I know that it’s really important that I do because for me, admitting it allows for positive changes to take place. I take another step, moving myself along. Moving me forward.

I also love music and art. I can get lost in some beautiful music and listen to it for hours. I can stare at a painting, step into it and reside there for a while.

I started paying close attention to the way I talk to myself when I’m in time wasting mode. I can go to a very negative place when I play Solitaire, Poker (didn’t help that I became a millionaire), Sudoku or CHESS. And I now realize why – there is absolutely nothing creative for me in any of those games (duh!). They are simply a means to hide from my self.

I’ve discovered that through music and art my thoughts go to a very positive place. For me, both represent creativity at it’s best, and although it seems like I’m wasting time, I’m actually doing something positive for myself by reinforcing the beauty and importance of expressing creatively.

Through music and art, I can see a bigger me who no longer relies on all the bullshit. That picture has a positive tendency to stay positive. With the computerized games, I could still sometimes see a bigger me, but that me still relied heavily on lots of bullshit. My bull included taking a good scenario and adding some very negative scenes. Happened almost all the time with solitaire, sudoku went either way (could be because I was convinced it was keeping my mind sharp, so the negativity didn’t show up all the time – lol!), and Chess, I just kept cheating to try and get at least one checkmate. I’m pretty aggressive when I know I’m going to win – I was letting my computer help me beat my computer – laughing loudly again!! Maybe I just go blank when I’m in that place?

It’s good that laughter is good for you!

Anyway, I can now clearly see what that stuff was doing to me – with me willingly letting it, and that, is a wonderful thing. So now it’s on me to give up all the negative time-wasters. It’s time to clean up that pile.

Self-sabotage has a face I now recognize. Wasting copious amounts of time playing computer games is SO NOT who I AM! It’s not even a fraction of me and there is no longer room for it here. Fuck, what was I thinking – both literally and figuratively!!

Seeing that more clearly is moving me forward. I’m paying close attention to me, and what I do and say, so that I can quickly correct myself and keep moving on. It’s working! I’m stepping on the path. Haven’t moved in too far, but I’ve moved in. And knowing that, things are moving and changing both quickly and positively.

I’ve not only figured out what obstacles have been in my way, I’ve witnessed them!! I love knowing that, cause for me, that’s big. That’s taking a bigger step than I thought I could. Moving bravely forward in a very positive way.

When bullshit can make me laugh like that, I know I’m actually conquering my fears. I’m letting my negative self know that there is a new ME running the show. No more sitting around concocting sad stories. No more tales of woe. No more ugliness. That’s no longer welcome in my life movie. And my life movie is big! There’s much I intend to do. Will I actually do it all, well that remains to be seen! But, given that I’m directing this movie, I can drive it wherever I want it to go.

That thought for me is still a little intimidating (perhaps a few more smudges to erase). So for now, I’m happy with the progress I’m making. I can feel it settling in me. Once again, moving me forward.

Please note: No computer games were played before, during or after writing this post! My new mantra: Every time I sit down at my computer, I give my self an opportunity to express in a positive, mind growing way!