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Author
Topic: My mother is freaking me out. (Read 8172 times)

Me and my mom got into a fight today. I'm just baffled and hurt because of the way she talks to me and the things she says to me and threatens to do. It scares me. She doesn't act like a mother to me at all.

My grandmother goes upstate NY for the summer, I hate it up there, it's Monticello, NY. There is nobody up there but old Jews and the elderly on bungalow colonies. The past year or so my allergies have been killer to the point where all I can do where they hit is lay down, sneeze, cough, gag and cry.

I also have this really bad issue where when I'm far from home, like, far where I couldn't drive home quickly if I needed to, I have panic attacks. I start to shake and cry and I get really worked up. Sometimes I can take my mind off of it if I keep myself busy, but typically I can't, and it hits me late at night when I'm trying to sleep and I can't concentrate on anything else. I start to feel like panicky, and I can't sleep, my nerves start freaking out and I start to cry hysterically. My mom knows I get like this because she's seen me do it. I've been like this since I was little. She used to accuse me of pretending to do that to get out of places I don't want to be, but ever since me and my dad went on vacation to the shore once and I couldn't stay because of it, and he had to drive us both home, she knows I'm not kidding.

I guess it's like extreme homesickness.

Anyway, she is pissed at me and has said these things:

That I'm ruining her summer. That I'm fucked up and strange and weird and that's not normal and that she wants to take me back to a psychologist because there's something WRONNNNNG with me (she said it like that, yeah.)

I told her I could stay alone, she wouldn't let me, I asked her to call one of my friends to see if I could stay with them, and she dropped her arms to the side, stared at me and said - YOU DON'T -HAVE- ANY FRIENDS, YOU FAG.

I got kind of taken back and looked back down at my laptop and refused to look at her in the face again. But she kept talking and shit. She went on again about how I'm RUINING her summer and then she just stopped and tried to guilt trip me into coming with her by talking about how old my grandmother is and I'll wish I would have gone up and seen her after she's dead. And then she said, you'll feel bad when something happens to SOMEONE - I don't know WHO YET, but just wait.

And then she walked away. Stopped dramatically and told me to go find myself my own food somehow, and then stomped down the stairs.

I can't live with this woman. I know she's my mother, I know she loves me, but I think either she's still drunk or very hungover and when she gets like this she's impossible to live with. And as like, selfish and as a pain in the ass of a kid I can be, I still don't think I deserve that kind of shit from my own mom. I'm just frustrated, and hurt, because she never used to say things like that to my face.

very sorry to hear that. i would suggest you "talk turkey" (as my friend from oklahoma would say) meaning be direct but don't provoke and of course maintain the highest level possible (meaning no nastiness --whether or not nastiness was thrown in your face. take the high road). i'd say "Mom, that fiasco just now - it was hurtful, it wasn't mature, it wasn't rational. we have two choices here. we can speak like two rational sane people or this can descend into hell. The choice is yours."

What a horrible situation for you. In my opinion, her behavior qualifies as emotional abuse. I wish I could give you advice on how to deal with it. I only hope that you realize that the terrible things she says to you are a reflection on her and have nothing to do with your worth as a human being.

Maybe it would be good to see a psychologist, but not for the reasons your mother thinks. It might help you deal with your mother's abusive behavior. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. Emotional wounds heal far more slowly than physical wounds.

I'm 58 years old, and I still carry bad memories of hurtful things my mother said to me when I was growing up. As I got older I learned to call her on her behavior in an effort to teach her to stop. She's gotten better, but even after all these years she still sometimes falls into those old patterns.

jaser, dearest...I'm so sorry to hear about the way your mother is treating you..it's definately emotionally abusive...I know you are a strong kid and you will get throught this..I agree whole heartedly with everyone above me...I have been there myself and it's not easy at all.

You are a good person and we are all here for you if you need ANYTHING.

many many hugs

-Lotus

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"I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. "-Bette Midler

As much as I'd like to join Alex, Alan and Lotus in their Rush To Judgement about your mum's possibly vodka fueled tirade, I can't. Now don't get me wrong Baby-boi, I don't think what your mum said to you was acceptable. It wasn't but I'm not sure I'd go mincing out onto the Oprah High Wire with the others here and declare her to be emotionally abusive.

It sounds like you two had a typical teen-parent fight.

Harsh words were uttered and given some of your recent threads about your home life uttered against a background of domestic stress. People (even mothers) are human and they can say and do nasty things when they're pissed off. It doesn't sound to me like your mum was trying to be cruel or horrid, she just sounds frustrated and angry and you just happened to be in the way at the time.

Still, she shouldn't call you a fag, so if such an exchange occurs in the future you might want to repay her in kind. For example:

Angry Mother: YOU DON'T -HAVE- ANY FRIENDS, YOU FAG.

Hurt Jaser: YEAH THANKS TO YOU, YOU DRUNKEN BITTER OLD YID!!!

. . . . or words to that effect. They might give her pause for thought. Or get you a smack in the mouth. You never know until you try.

Squeakie-boi, the reality is that we say the most hateful things to the people we love the most. The good thing is that generally we don't mean them. Your mum's words were nasty and hurtful, but emotionally abusive? Nah, just silly.

Jaser I feel really bad for you. And I am not sure what to say except hang in there which seems kind of hollow. I'm sorry. I just wish we had room here and you could come stay with us til you felt the need to go back home.

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44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

She's still pissed at me because I refuse to go to with her, but we had dinner together (in utter silence) and she made it a point to tell me that my aunt is pissed at me and doesn't want to speak to me.

I said, er, fine - if she gets pissed at me for something she isn't involved in than frankly I don't want to talk to her either. I love how my mom runs to her family to get pity when she gets none from me, though.

Meh. I'm just bitter.

It'll be tense for a while now but I think she'll get over it. I'm already over it. Just a little annoyed.

I know things'll straighten out eventually, I'm just going to be CRAZY until they do. I do think she's the one that needs counseling or something because I sort of feel like I'm coping with shit just fine. She's being unreasonable, obviously drinking too much and taking out shit on me. Not cool. Don't appreciate it.

I also think she is resenting her failure to be a good mother and is venting on you because you happen to be there.

Whoa down there Creighton!!! Matty the Damned never said that Squeak's mother is not a good mother. Nor did I say she failed. She just got angry and said some silly things as far as I can tell. As it happens, I think she probably is a good mother. Raising a gay HIV+ teenager alone in the Amish state on a limited income is probably not the easiest thing for a woman to have to do. Let's cut her some slack here.

Whatever the case, we're really in no position to judge Jaser's mum too harshly over this.

But I wouldnt even confront her with it. You cant have a rational reaction to her irrational behavior.

Let me tell you something else. I was always a little shit to my mom who is the person who loves me the most in this world. My mom is a saint. Now she is very ill and I regret everything I ever said or did to make her feel bad. I even apologized to her - and she told me there was nothing to forgive...just her style. Now I tell her I love her all the time and I thank God I have the opportunity to tell her I love her and thank her for being such a great mother.

Matty's right - we cant judge for many reasons. Im just babbling. Talking about moms gets me all choked up.

anyway - here's hoping the best for you ....AND for her. yes her too. i know first hand what it's like to grow up with dysfunction ...i was told many times that i should see a pyschiatrist which was horseshit. the accusers were the ones who needed the psychiatrists, not me. being the youngest of 3 i was an easy target. anyway. you'll be alright.

I am the adult in the relationship. I do not blame my child for how I'm feeling - I own my own feelings. I do not tell my child she "ruined" anything for me. I am an adult and I "ruin" stuff in my own life, I don't blame it on my child.

I do not, in the heat of anger or any other time, ever call my child names that are designed to cut to the core and hurt as much as possible. I have enough self-control and self-respect to not have to make myself feel better by making my child feel bad. Parents are supposed to build a child's self esteem up, not tear it down when we feel upset. There is no excuse for such behaviour.

It's what being a parent is all about.

Jaser, next time she brings up the subject of therapy, ask her to attend FAMILY counseling WITH you.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Jaser....You've been given such good, heartfelt advice, your divorced mom does have her own issues in life and while that is no excuse for her hateful words, it is what it is.

You are such a smart young man, I hope our nation and the state of Pennsylvania can still financially arrange for you to get a scholarship when you graduate high school, I think you can go far with your studies and one day when you are out on your own you can have your own certain revenge, if you will...I can envision Jaser living in his own pad, with income coming in and with his little pets !!! Work hard, study hard for that day, it will be here sooner than later, I can tell you that little buddy.

Jody

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"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world". "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

my mom woke up today and asked mei iwas gonna come. i stll said no. and she called my dad and stood in my doorway and said that she wasnt gonna stay here with me, and my dad said he didnt want me, and she said shes not fucking up her weekend to saty home with me. and she said she wants to move away and not come back. that she wants to move to florida with her sister and stay there. and then she said she was leaving me here and she got ready to go but wound ups taying and she went back to sleep without saying anything to me

i'm scared what shes going to be like when she gets up. i dont know if shes really going to leave and move to miami to livewith my aunt. i don't wnat her to go. i feel like i should do something riht now but theres nothing ot do i think. i'm mostly afraid to leave theroom because shell wake up and start screaming at me again.

i wish i had a frends house i could stay at but i cant think of anyone thatll take me for a few days.

and i dunno what im gonna do if she does go and my dad doesnt want me to stay there. andi have animals at his house. i need to get them. but my mom said she not gonna let me keep my rats and my mouse here. but i havemor erats and fish and another mouse at my dads

jaser, you need to call child protective services if things are that bad. You might end up having to give up all your animals, but your options here are either

A) deal with this weeknd crisis by being as invisible as possible, for the sake of the animalsB) confront it, and her, and him (your dad) and be prepared to live in foster careC) start researching the web for emancipation procedures and prepare to move out on your own as soon as possible.

No matter what you decide, your pets will be affected. Right now they represent a HUGE amount of power that your folks have over you. My recommendation for the rest of your stay at your house is that you do not, under ANY circumstances, get any more pets.

Right now, YOU are in need of some serious caretaking. And as it looks like the food chain of caretaking stops with you, you have to put your efforts right there, in the mirror.

If you call child protective services, you might be unleashing a shitstorm that you will never see the end of.

If you research self-emancipation, at least you are doing something relatively productive and spending time silent, in your room, while your mom gathers herself.

If you confront her, you might end up on your own, on the street, with pets in questionable care or euthanized.

Thing is, what is it worth to you. What is any of it? I disagree with matty on one fundamental level: this behaviour on the part of your mom is inexcuseable. It is flagrantly abusive, assuming you have told us everything. And it more than warrants an investigation, if not removal from the home. Realize when I say removal, I speak of you, and not your pets. More than likely, they would be taken to an animal shelter and put down, or stay with your mom.

Sadly, you have taken on responsibilities that might require you to put up with WAY more crap than the normal fifteen year old. You might have to suck it up and do , say, whatever will make things liveable where you are, so long as YOU are the caregiver for your animals.

Seriously. Remember last weekend when my ferret was sick? I don't ask for ANYTHING from ANYONE, but I would have begged and pleaded and sold my body and SOUL to get my Ringo the help he needed. That's what you do when you are... well, a parent.

Pride takes second place to that kind of responsibility. And I am afraid that, if the mice and rats and animals you have acquired mean as much to you as you indicate through your posts, then you will have to swallow huge amounts of pride and dignity so long as they are the most vulnerable parts of the equation.

Wouldn't hurt to research emancipation though. Just saying.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Well, I'm at my dad's. He doesn't know it yet, and won't be home until midnight, but that'll be fun.

My mom is on her way to my grandmother's (she's getting her way, yknow). And I'm just here chilling. I feel better now that I'm alone, with all of my animals, with the exception of two of my rats and the kitties, which are still at my mom's.

I'm hoping she'll chill the fuck out while we have some time apart. Usually she does. When she dropped me off she did ask if I'd be okay a few times, and kind of hesitated to leave. I think she feels bad. Which, I don't want my mom to feel bad, but in this case = good.

Whatever. I fed the rats/cats at my mom's before I left and I don't think my mom would really do anything to them. I feel a little better, anyway. She'll only be gone overnight, and I guess I'll talk to her if she calls me or when she gets back tomorrow.

Whatever. Seriously. Whatever. I feel better at the moment, my animals are safe and that's all I really care about right now. I need a nap.

When I was around your age (wasn't THAT long ago), my mother said some really mean things just because I was homosexual. Two quotes that still stand out in my mind are "I didn't give birth to a faggot. I didn't raise one, and I'm not going to be a mother to one." and "I would rather you take a shotgun to my head and pull the trigger than for you to be gay." For 5 years, I acted like my mother didn't exist. I spoke to her in acid, short, and blatantly disrespectful tones whenever she did speak to me. She hit me. Once. I was so angry that I was literally shaking. My exact words were, "If you EVER so much as touch me again, I WILL kill you where you stand. Get out of my sight, you bitch. I'm tired of looking at you." Her response was, "You obviously hate me. It's like the mother you loved is dead." I coldly responded, "Well, you showed me the limits of your love. Welcome to mine. I have no use for backstabbers. Now get out of my sight."

Time has healed those wounds, and my mother and I have a good relationship. It isn't quite what it once was but we can enjoy being in each other's company now.

I would seriously consider either Child Protective Services or Self-Emancipation. If your mother is an alcoholic, she has no business being a mother. I hate to sound harsh, but it's true. There is no excuse for you being subjected to that kind of treatment from the woman who is supposed to be there for you no matter what. She is failing in her duty to you, and it would be in YOUR best interest to allow the State to find a good family who will fulfill that duty - raising you in a safe, loving, and warm environment.

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"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

I would seriously consider either Child Protective Services or Self-Emancipation. If your mother is an alcoholic, she has no business being a mother. I hate to sound harsh, but it's true. There is no excuse for you being subjected to that kind of treatment from the woman who is supposed to be there for you no matter what. She is failing in her duty to you, and it would be in YOUR best interest to allow the State to find a good family who will fulfill that duty - raising you in a safe, loving, and warm environment.

Ok this is just getting silly. Self-Emancipation? Allow the State to find Jaser a "good" family? Fuck me dead! You want to hand the kid over to a foster family on the basis that his mum called him a fag? For crying out loud Squeak and his mum had a fight just like teens and parents all over the world have. What she said wasn't nice but it hardly makes her Myra Hindley.

And where are all these diagnoses of rampant maternal alcoholism coming from? Surely not on the basis of what's been posted in this thread?

I can't help but think that a lot what's being passed off as advice here is in fact misplaced vicariousness. Sure my parents were mean to me sometimes when I was a kid, but many may be surprised to learn that I could be a bit of an arsehole when the fancy took me. Life hands out the odd emotional ouchie from time to time. The difference being that I'm not inserting the small personal miseries of my childhood into the advice I've given in this thread.

It's time for some people to get over themselves.

And yes, before people ask, I do know more about this situation than you might think. Squeakie and I have discussed these issues at some length for quite a while now. It's really not as dramatic as some of you seem to believe. Honestly people, on this issue it's time to pop some valium.

At the risk of sounding disrespectful, it sounds like all involved need to talk (parents and kid). Maybe counseling is in order for Jaser (as well as his mom). The panic attacks, the anxiety, and the inability to be away from home are not normal. I hate to use the word normal, but most of the 15 year olds I've known could be away from home for a couple of days... especially with a parent. If the allergies are bad, there are lots of prescription and OTC medications available. I know how miserable allergies and sinus problems can be, as I've had them all my life. It sounds to me like a battle of wills. I know that I would have gone with my mom. If there was a real issues that would keep me from going, that would be different. Sinus/ allergies wouldn't cut it. Panic attacks might, but only if I'd tried to work on resolving them. I was a very stubborn 15 year old... it sounds like Jaser is too. It doesn't seem like a situation that's completely hopeless.

She's being unreasonable, obviously drinking too much and taking out shit on me.

That's where the alcoholic "nonsense" is coming from. I even bolded it for ya. ;P

And just so you understand what I was saying... I am not saying to hand him over to the State because his mom called him a fag. I AM saying that a home where he has to hide in his room because he's afraid of whether or not his mother has been drinking and will scream at him IS something to warrant either Child Protective Services or Self-Emancipation OR at least a family trip to a theurapist.

Have a good one.

« Last Edit: July 05, 2006, 02:30:29 PM by MoltenStorm »

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"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

Also being a parent I have to emphasis what Ann said, that you don't make yourself feel better by beating another down. So now the question is what do you do? I think you need some support. Is there anyone at school that you could talk with about these issues? Family counseling would be great for all three of you, because the unbridled anger that is passing between you is very unhealthy.

No matter what you might think, this is not about placing blame, but rather getting you the help that you need. You don't need to do anything drastic, but you do need to talk with someone, because your environment is very toxic. Jaser, you need someone to help you sort your feelings and to understand how you fit into your reality. You have so much going on right now and what is important is taking care of you.

Please talk with someone, anyone, so you don't have to face this alone. Yes we can help a little, but there is nothing to replace physical support and that's what you need right now.

(And maybe we could just can the "he said/she said" crap and stay focused on the issue at hand. We know his environment is not healthy and what matters is getting him help, not arguing about why things are like they are now).

I think everyone needs to calm down and think about what they are saying. We've gone from talking to Jaser, to talking about Jaser. Everyone needs to stop advising a minor about what he should or shouldn't do. Advising emancipation of a minor without all the facts is ludicrous. A trained professional would never do that without hours of observation and evaluation....much less one posting on the internet, or one side of the story.

If anyone bothers to recall things had begun to calm down. Jaser was safely at his dad's with internet access. A truce between a fourteen year old and his mom seemed to be in the works. In fact, our friend found the time to post a silly song he and his friend enjoyed performing. Sounds like Jaser ended up having a pretty good time. Not a child in major distress.

I know everyone has Jaser's best interest at heart...but we must take care advising a child without all the facts. This might not be the proper forum.

I'm fine now. I didn't mean to get everyone all upset. I was just really upset and pissed off at my mom because of the way she talks to me and some of the crap she does that drives me crazy.

I really do get anxiety attacks or something when I'm far away from home. But, I also get upset during thunderstorms and I don't even like fireworks for the same reason (last night was hell for me in that aspect. Eep.) She still doesn't believe me and thinks that whenever I say that to her I'm trying to get out of going somewhere I don't want to go. Or she yells at me and tells me I have issues and need to see a shrink. I don't know, maybe I do, but I think she could handle this stuff better because whenever I try to talk to her about it she tells me I'm nuts.

Not... really encouraging, there.

I know I can be a spoiled little brat sometimes. Who ever said I wasn't? It's just, I'm frustrated living with her because we disagree on SO MANY freaking things and it's hard to get along when it's like that. I guess especially with your own mom. I mean, I couldn't live with a FRIEND that was the complete opposite of me, so it's hard to live with a PARENT that's the complete opposite of me.

But she is not all bad. A) I KNOW she loves me, B) She is cool about a lot of things a lot of parents wouldn't be cool about, C) She overreacts, yeah, a lot, but she's also the women that caves in whenever I fall in love with ANOTHER furry creature.

So, it's not as bad as it sounds. Mostly I think I posted in a fit of anger. I'm still angry at her. But yeah, yeah - I love her, and I don't think I have to do anything drastic.

PS: Not to offend, but as some older female friends pointed out - She just turned 50 and perhaps there are. Erp. Other issues.