I'M ALRIGHT: JACK

Jack Wilshere cut a relaxed figure as he slalomed through the media zone on his way out of Wembley after last night's thriller friendly against Denmark. True, he had taken a nasty blow to the foot from Liverpool's Daniel Agger, and had been roundly shown up by his second-half replacement Adam Lallana, but other than physical discomfort and professional embarrassment he was basically in a good place. "I'm fine," he told reporters, when asked about his foot. "It's a bit sore but it's only a bruise. I've had a scan already and it showed just a bruise, so I'll be alright."

The Fiver learned two interesting things as a result of this brief interview, one of them quite surprising and the other a little less so. Surprisingly, even though it only hosts a handful of games each year, Wembley has its own scanner. Less surprisingly, the scanner is completely jiggered. "Further investigation by Arsenal's medical team has discovered a crack to a small bone in Jack's left foot," announced Arsenal in a statement released this afternoon. "Jack will now require a period of approximately six weeks' rehabilitation."

The Fiver didn't take long to identify the problem here. An athlete would normally expect that a Computerised Tomography Scanner be used in identifying internal injuries. At Wembley, however, instead of getting a CT Scan Wilshere received an FA Scan. A CT Scanner is a scientifically cutting-edge device designed to capture precise images of the inside of the human body. An FA Scanner is designed to examine objects and, no matter how wrecked they are, announce that they're basically fine.

Earlier, Roy Hodgson had used the FA scanner to analyse England's stuttering display against injury-ravaged Denmark. "The victory was positive," Hodgson beamed. "We got in so many crosses, some a hair's breath from going in or creating a chance. That's positive. This was never an easy game. Denmark are no mugs and know how to play football." The FA Scanner also delivered clear readings on every member of the England squad – even the centre-backs. "Looking at performances, you would have to be a harsh critic to say anybody played poorly or did not do their chances a bit of good," Hodgson announced.

There is expected to be considerable demand for the FA Scanner, a scientific device utterly unique in its ability to examines broken things and declare them basically fine. David Cameron has declared his intention to use it to analyse the latest opinion polls, though the FA has already been approached by a consortium of oil producers who intend to use the scanner in their climatological investigations in the Antarctic. It is scheduled to return to London by May, in time to undertake a wide-scale audit of the Premier League season on behalf of David Moyes.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Lots of times at Real Madrid, the players would be queuing in front of the mirror before the game while the referee waited for them in the tunnel" – José Mourinho, speaking this week, clearly believes that vanity has no place on or around the football pitch.

"I never shave on the day of a match. I used to shave with a razor. I was always afraid of making a mistake with the blade and nicking my face" – José Mourinho, speaking in September 2011, clearly used to believe that a man whose face is speckled with bloody bits of tissue has no place on or around the football pitch.

FIVER LETTERS

"Can I be the first of 1,057 'blokes down the pub' to say 'Petition to ban Tom Cleverly?!?!?! BAN THE WHOLE 'RUDDY LOT MORE LIKE!' before having another sup and catching sight of another bursting blood vessel in my nose out of my peripherals?" – James Cane.

"I understand from an interview Stevie Mbe gave on the wireless that he consulted Steve Peters, a psychologist, following groin-gah. Was it really that bad?" – John Raffin.

"I know that the Guardian has a long and honourable tradition in its spelling accuracy but it's getting difficult sometimes to work out if you can tell your it's from your (non-pint-lifting) elbow – David Howells (and 1,056 others).

"A few years ago I played in a five-a-side tournament. We scraped through the qualifying group and while waiting for the other group games to finish one bright spark suggested we all ought to practice penalties to be sure we were ready if the next game came to that. So in joyful anticipation, we honed our penalty taking prowess on a spare pitch away from the ongoing action. Sadly we never got the chance to show our mental fortitude. We lost 4-0 in the first knockout round" - Dave Cross.

"Re: the number of Ps in Phillipa (Fivers passim). Aaargh! Hoist by my own pedantic petard! I knew that acute accent would come back to haunt me. I accept the ultimate penance" - Phillipa Suárez (temporarily).

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: James Cane.

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BITS AND BOBS

Hull City's owners have stamped their feet and threatened to scream and scream and scream until their sick in their efforts to ride roughshod over 110 years of history and re-brand their club as Hull Tigers. "If we were denied the chance to operate the business in the way we feel fit … then we would have no alternative but to offer the club for sale," blubbed vice-president Ehab Allam.

Jose Mourinho has apparently "fuelled speculation" that Chelsea could make a move for AC Milan striker Mario Balotelli by making a banal statement of the obvious that has been pounced upon by hacks ravenous for anything resembling news in a friendly international week. "In football you never know the future," he droned. "Balotelli is with a big club at the moment but you never know the future."

And Alan Pardew is expect to plead guilty to the improper conduct charge levelled by the FA and has until 6pm today to do so. Football's governing body is expected to hand down a lengthy touchline or stadium ban, although the Fiver still thinks they should force him to wear a giant sponge hat on the touchline at all away matches.