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Joann Ward has been matchmaking for over 30 years. Her son, Steve Ward followed in her footsteps in 2003. They became internationally known matchmakers as Hosts and Executive Producers of VH1 Tough Love.

Good Lovers Lie

Sunday, February 08, 2015

Kaye Blegvad

This morning a client of mine sent me an article in today's New York Times on the subject of lies and love. This very well written op-ed piece was penned by Clancy Martin, a professor of philosophy at the University of Missouri-Kansas City and the author of “Love and Lies.” Professor Martin is twice married, twice divorced and comfortable enough with himself to admit why. He cheats.

As he philosophized on the merits of truth and opined on our willingness to lie in what we consider to be the best interests of our partners, he failed to adequately address the issue of lying to oneself. He argues, "When it comes to love, both honesty and deception should be practiced in moderation. Only then can we celebrate the intoxicating illusions of love." However, is there anything to be gained by lying to yourself? "Of all the things I did wrong, the worst was not that I told lies. The self-deception and denial didn’t help matters, but my real failure was a lack of care and commitment."

If the purpose of his allocution is to better explain why he lied and why he cheated, he can start with discerning fact from fiction. I actually doubt that he was unhappy in his marriage. Therefore, when he told himself, "I am a happily married man" I believe him. It was what he said to himself in the next breadth which was a flat out lie, "I am not going to have sex with this woman."

At the point where it went from coffee to his hotel room he was well aware of what was increasingly more likely...he was going to have sex with this woman. I am sure he could have kept telling himself "I am a happily married man" but at a certain point he should have been even more honest with himself and said, "If I take this woman back to my hotel room, I am definitely going to sleep with her." That's the moment when he is supposed to think of his daughters, and his wife, who I believe he actually loved, as well as his own inability to exercise self-restraint.

I have no doubt that he regrets the affair. But its not because he is a high character individual or a doting father or good partner. Its because he got caught. And I think he is saying in this article that if he was more honest with himself and chose instead to embrace the fact that he is a self-centered, egotistical, alpha male who needs constant validation or he becomes insecure and untrustworthy, he might still be married. The affair may have run its course. He may have realized he was better off married and committed and maybe he could have returned to the marriage unscathed. Maybe he would have gotten away with it. And maybe that might've been the best thing for all of them. But it certainly isn't a justification. Its a poor excuse. Its dishonorable. And if you don't have the character and honor that you would like to have, or other people would like to think you have, you're better off being honest with yourself and creating a truth. Its wrong. Its self-serving and its immoral. Just don't lie to yourself and consider it anything but.