Saturday, April 4, 2009

Some days I feel like I will make it. Some days I feel as if there may be something I will have to give back because of our loss.

Some days I feel like I most certainly will not make it. Like I have nothing to give to anyone and I never will.

I do not know who I am. I do not know why I'm here.

Some days I feel energized, other days defeated.

We are at this retreat for grieving families, as I have mentioned. We had a 2 hour group session today for the parents. Sharing our stories with each other, sharing our tears or silence. It is still overwhelmingly shocking to me, to be here, with these people and think, "How did we end up here? Are we really here? Is this really happening?"

I think that most people just think you get better and that after this amount of time you are better, doing better, looking better. Truthfully though, most of time I am not better. I think it would surprise people a great deal if they knew how much of my day is spent thinking about Gretta, the incident, or at the other end of the spectrum....spending my energy NOT thinking about any of it. It is a confusing way to live and yet, I have absolutely no control over any of it.

In Streams In The Desert, written by L.B. Cowman, a daily devotional I read daily; He writes to me specifically it seems about how God wants and expects so much of me in trial. Most of the time I just feel like a huge failure. All of that talk about, "Who you are in a trial is representative of who you truly are." It is a burden of proof that is daunting. How can I be this person of character when my very soul is wandering. I am sometimes on solid ground, but more times, on sinking sand. Isaiah 24:15 "Glorify the Lord IN the fires." How can I do this thing? Am I doing it? I want to do it, I want to glorify my Lord in this trial, this raging fire.

When each earthly brace falls under, And life seems a raging sea,Are you then a God-held wonder, Satisfied and calm and free?

John Henry Jewett

Lord help me to be this reflection of Your glory and triumph over trial, help me to show Your victory.

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comments:

Oh, dear mother. Please do not allow the enemy of your soul to add accusation to your grieving. Don't allow anyone -or anything written by man- to dictate how to experience this suffering. Only the Word has absolute authority.

Remember, Jesus was perfected by the things he SUFFERED. And it wouldn't have been suffering without the agony. He was a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

You are suffering an unspeakable grief. There is none like losing your precious baby. I think it's perfectly normal to be grieving the way you are. One day okay, the next devastated.

I cannot imagine the pain that you are enduring from this horrific loss. But I also believe that God's fingerprints are on EVERYTHING. Your sweet Gretta's short life is serving a purpose greater than any of us could possibly understand.

I can not even begin to fathom what you and your family are going through. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that there are many, many people praying for you and holding your hand through these very difficult times.

My dear... I do not know what I can say to you that would deminish your pain and grief...Only thing I can offer to you is hugs and compassion even though that probably does not help at all.I cried when I first read your blog (and I was at work) and now I am crying again. My tears probably do not help you either... But that is all I can offer you all the way from Croatia (Europe) that and ear to listen, heart to feel for you and shoulder to cry on.Hold on... I would write an email but I do not see it.

Dear Mother,Please accept my sincere sympathy in this time of your loss. Words can not express what I feel for you and your family. Your little angel will always be with you in spirit. You are in my thoughts and prayers.Noni

I was sent over from Amazing Trips as well. My heart just breaks as I heard about your story and your beautiful, precious daughter. I have no words other than I am so full of sorrow for you. I will be thinking of and praying for you.

i found your story on the Amazing Trips blog, and the timing couldn't have been...i don't know what...all i know is that i saw my 3yo daughter grab the cords on our blinds while standing on the couch in our playroom this afternoon, and i registered it before i turned back to attend to my 5mo son, but i didn't do anything about it. i am going upstairs right now to take those blinds down.

thank you for sharing gretta's story. i can't even begin to imagine your pain, and i am humbled that you are helping educate parents like me while grieving the loss of your beautiful little girl.