Divorce Sucks

12/20/2011

Besides the fact that we move holidays around until they fit our schedule, our family also does some other things that are less-than traditional during the month of December. Like cook latkes while listening to Christmas music. Or play a lively game of dreidel after enjoying a Christmas dinner of ham… Here’ our weekend: Since our kids will all be with their other parents on Christmas (and therefore the second half of Hanukah) this year, we started celebrating while most people were still working off their Thanksgiving dinner. After all, in order to pull off the presentpalooza that we call December each year, we need a little extra time!

We have certain traditions that we are trying to establish with our blended family. On Christmas Eve, for example, all six kids receive a pair of matching pajamas. This is mostly so that we have gorgeous matching photos for our scrapbook, but also just puts everyone in a festive (and tired?!?) mood. We have a new tradition for this year – I inherited my grandmother’s nutcracker collection a few years ago and the children have loved laying them all out on the mantel each year. This year we all decided it would be fun to add to the collection each year with a themed nutcracker from something we did in the past year. Hanukah, of course, has its own traditions, one of them being that on the fourth night, everyone opens new clothes as their gift.

All of this collided nicely last Friday night when it was both our fourth night of Hanukah as well as our Christmas Eve. It was a wonderfully ridiculous combination of traditions and religions. First we lit the candles on our menorah in the dining room on our Hanukah-themed tablecloth with dreidels hanging from our chandelier.

Then we moved to the kitchen where we had prepared our traditional Christmas Eve dinner, “Try-not-to-set-anyone-on-fire,” or “Fondue” as it is known to the general public. Brianna pointed out that because we were cooking the meat in oil, this “totally counts as a Hanukah dinner too.” Yup, it does.

After fondue, we went back to the dining room and the children opened their fourth-night (clothes night!) Hanukah gift. It was, of course, Christmas Pajamas! Just go with it.

They donned their Christmas apparel and reconvened in the kitchen for the red and green chocolate fondue dessert and then we headed to the living room for gifts. To commemorate our New York City Trip from last January, we gave them a New York, New York Nutcracker, complete with an Empire State Building replica as well as a Broadway ticket. They loved it, and gave him a place of honor over the fireplace, between the Swedish Chef Nutcracker and the Red Sox Championship Nutcracker.

The next morning was, well, nighttime. At 3am, they started knocking on the door, wondering when we could go downstairs. By 4am they were using the dogs as an excuse saying that Alice and Brady just HAD to go out right now. At 6am we gave in and stumbled down the stairs, pausing just long enough to hit the start button on the coffee pot before we arrived in the living room packed with gifts from Santa.

We had a lovely day together as a family, trying out all of their new toys and picking wrapping paper out of every nook and cranny of our home. That evening, we lit the candles again for the fifth night of Hanukah – and then had a lovely ham dinner for Christmas.

The fifth night of Hanukah is game night, so we spent the rest of the evening playing Jenga, Cooties, Beat the Parents, and – of course- dreidel (which, I’m fairly certain, they only put up with because it ends in chocolate).

The next morning we prepared for a Hanukah party at our home. We fried latkes and made homemade donuts for our friends. We had been channeling Christmas music through Pandora all weekend so I decided to try the Hanukah station instead for a change. After about 30 minutes, I realized that Pandora thinks that all Jewish people are deaf and boring, so we switched back and I merrily sang Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree while flipping latkes and rolling donuts in powdered sugar. I will also admit to decorating with Hanukah confetti while whistling Justin Beiber’s Mistletoe – What’s “Ima Bee?” I will never know. But Gabriella thinks he is her boyfriend, so we put up with him.

Last night after candles for the seventh night, (and no presents because on the seventh night we give presents to someone from the angel tree in the mall – a tradition inspired by my parents) we went to the local nursing home. The children’s piano teacher met us there and helped the children pick out Jingle Bells, We Three Kings and Silent Night on the piano for the residents. Afterword, we picked up eggnog milk shakes and drove around to look at the Christmas lights.

Tonight we’ll light the candles for the eighth night as most people are lighting their first, and on Thursday we’ll send our kids away to spend the rest of the holidays with their other families. Hopefully, after living through our mixed-up, jumbled, chaotic, intermingled-interfaith presentpalooza, our kiddos will not just walk away with electronics and full tummies, but also an appreciation of the traditions of their siblings…and of course, a big ole’ stocking full of love – enough to last until New Year’s when we get them all back!

08/20/2011

Chaos has returned to the Bunch Home – with a vengeance! Bill and I drove to Missoula, Montana with his three kids to pick up my three kids from their Dad. They’ve been with him in Seattle for the past seven weeks – the longest seven weeks of my life! (In case you need help with the calculations, that means that Bill and I spent 22 hours in the car with three kids and then 22 hours in the car with six kids…all within 5 days. My car will never be the same. I may need therapy.) I also realized something around the third hour in the car ride home – my “no” button appeared to be broken.

Mom, can we stop for ice cream even though it’s 10am? N…Yes.

Mom, can we listen to that awful rap station on the radio in the car? Really Loud? N…Yes.

Mom, can I have a cookie for lunch? N…Yes.

So here’s the deal. I’m apparently racked with mom-guilt over being away from them, even though it was out of my control. Also, I’m not above buying my way out of it.

On the first night we were all together, we played a game called How-Many-People-Can-Talk-At-The-Same-Time. It lasted about 3 hours days. The kids were all tripping over their own tongues to tell each other about all of the excitement of the summer. I don’t think they were really listening to the actual words of the other people – it was mostly just mutual admiration of their ability to fill the air with noise. I wish I had made a recording of it to play for myself next time I’m feeling sorry for myself because my house is too quiet.

After the little kids had been put to bed, the big kids were still yapping away, soaking up each other’s voices. Hannah asked if she could speak to Bill and me in private.

I am a sixth grade language arts teacher. One of the units I teach is on persuasive writing. Hannah has obviously never participated in my class, but apparently she has been going through my lesson plans, because she presented organized point-by-point reasoning in an emotionally controlled persuasive speech which was impossible to rebut. (Even if my no-button had been working.)

Unfortunately, the speech was entitled: “The Five Reasons We Deserve to get Hamsters.”

After saying yes, because we are spineless idiots, Bill and I were treated to our reward: three squealing, shrieking 9-year olds who “love us SOOOO much.” Then we were awarded, “Best parents in the WHOLE WORLD!” The prize for this award turned out to be 22 hours in the car with 9-year-old girls shrieking and squealing about hamsters…

So that is how I ended up at the pet store when it opened on Tuesday morning with four little girls (because Gabby wanted one too and at that point we had completely given up trying to keep any sort of handle on the situation). I announced to the man behind the counter that we had come to purchase a cage and four hamsters to live in it. The man surveyed the situation, including the squealing, jumping children and the bags under my eyes and decided he’d better hop to it before his store got “Blended.” (Think birds flying, puppies running and fish flopping…) He led us to the room where the hamsters were kept. This is when I had a horrifying realization. Hamsters are rodents. They are kept in the same room with the mice and rats. They stink! What had I done?!?!?!

Realizing that the punishment for Worst Parent Ever was probably worse than the “award” for Best Parent Ever, I sucked it up and bought the freaking hamsters. And the cage. And the food, bedding, waterbottles, toys and tubes. $200 later, our family now included two toddlers, three nine-year-olds, a 12-year old, two dogs, four hamsters, a mother with a broken No-button and a father on a business trip in for a big surprise. And it was still too early in the day for rum.

Back at home, I spent 45 minute on the “Easy to Assemble Cage,” while the girls offered helpful advice like, “I think that yellow piece isn’t really that important,” and “The picture doesn’t look like what you made,” and my personal favorite, “Wouldn’t it be better if you were doing that faster?”

Finally assembled, the cage was ready for the hamsters. I picked up each of their little boxes and opened them. Inside each one, I was delighted to find a medium sized hamster…and about 50 little bugs. Super.

The lovely man at the pet store explained when I called him that these were mites, and were “harmless” and “no big deal.” I’ll show you “no big deal” you derksace. All I needed to do, he explained calmly, was bring the hamsters back to the store and he would treat them. They would be fine tomorrow.

Great! So you mean all I have to do is wrestle the hamsters away from the children, load everyone back in the car, drive back to the pet store, herd six kids down the sidewalk into the shop while holding a cage full of bug-infested hamsters and then figure out how to console the hysterical children who just had their “life-long wish” of hamster ownership granted and then smashed within an hour. Then I can return home and scrub the children’s rooms and the children. No problem.

The kids were troopers. Of course, they are also spoiled rotten – it seems the hamster fiasco had done even more damage to my already-suffering No-button. Chocolate Chip Pancakes for dinner? N…Yup.

The next morning we retrieved the rodents and brought them home. The children played with them nonstop for about four hours and then promptly forgot they existed when the television’s force field erased their brains. The only trouble with that was that they forgot about the hamsters who were travelling around the house in the little plastic ball. Unsupervised.

Note to potential hamster owners: The plastic hamster balls are NOT hamster-proof. If left unattended long enough, hamsters CAN and WILL figure out how to pop the lid.

For the rest of the evening, it was my esteemed pleasure to look underneath every piece of furniture we own and inside any crack, crevice or cabinet that was large enough for a hamster to squeeze through. No luck.

Around 2am, long after the children had given up and gone to sleep, I still hadn’t found the stinkin’ hamster. I started Googling:

Google Searches I preformed:

-Find lost hamster

-Hamsters climbing ability

-Hamster – smallest opening fit in

-Where do hamsters hide?

-Fooling nine-year-olds with replacement pets

-Therapy cost for children lied to by their parents

-Where to buy a hamster at 2am

-Where to buy rum at 2am

At 3am, I finally gave up and went to sleep, after scattering flour in every doorway so that we might “track” the hamster’s nighttime movement. [shudder]

We haven’t found the little critter yet, but we keep finding bits of food and the flour is still getting scattered, so thankfully he is still alive (!) and wandering unattended through my home (?). I’m sure he will turn up at a very convenient time like when I’m serving lunch to my grandmother, or in the middle of the baby shower I’m hosting next month.

I’d welcome any ideas on how to find a lost hamster. I’d also welcome anyone who wants to reassure me that I’m not the only one who gives in to ridiculous requests because of mommy-guilt. And if you know of a way to fix a broken No-button, please help me.

Help.

I’m living in a houseful of children and rodents running rampant and I’m out of rum.

08/13/2011

* Facebook - In the past 4 days, my husband has installed a ceiling fan, an invisible fence and a doggy door. I think he's worried that if he stops moving, he might disappear. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering how many more walls he will cut through before he takes a break.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited for school to start again. Excited? I’m not sure that’s the word. You see, the school year means complete insanity for our family. We are a wake-up-at-5-am, keep-going-till-9-pm, figure-out-how-to-sit-down-together-for-10-minutes-for-dinner kind of family. Last year we had kids in 4 different schools and almost 20 different after-school programs, activities and sports. Basically, we spent all of our time running around like chickens with our heads cut off.

So no, I’m not really looking forward to it. Don’t get me wrong – I love being a teacher. It is just a difficult transition from the summer!

And what a summer it has been:

My children were at their dad’s house for seven whole weeks this summer. That is the longest I’ve ever been away from them. I missed them like crazy, but the summer took some interesting turns because of that. First of all, Bill was working from home, so he was with me for the whole summer. We spent every minute together for weeks on end.

And I still like him!

But the really big deal about this summer was Bill’s kids. Last year I moved to South Dakota and into this house, and walked blindly into the role of Step-Mother. All I knew of step-mothers were the wicked ones in every fairy tale and I was determined to be better than that. There’s no book to read to learn how to be a step-mom. I made somes mistakes. I cried sometimes. I mean, I didn’t feed anybody any poison apples, but I was clearly winging it.

But this summer something amazing happened. We changed Bill’s kids’ schedules in June. Now they spend an entire week at our house and then an entire week at their mom’s. It has been an unbelievable difference! We’ve all been able to spend so much more quality time together. We’ve been able to settle into routines, have a structure to our days.

We spent a lot of time on the boat fishing and tubing, and also at the waterpark:

How to get a Gabby-shaped tan line

Levi and I have become closer. He is a Daddy’s Boy 100 percent, but as he told me this summer, “Dody, I decided I like you.” That was worth the wait! We have long conversations about race-cars and marshmallows and I think I sealed the deal with him when I took him to see the new Cars movie…in 3D.

*Facebook - Levi just asked me to go tubing with him. I am possibly more excited by this 4-year-old's invitation than I was by my prom date's.

But Brianna and I had the biggest changes of all. When I moved in, I know it was difficult transition for her. She had been the “woman of the house,” and I was taking time with her dad away from her. It’s been a long, bumpy road, but it seems we’ve come out the other end as friends. Last week we went shopping, had pedicures, baked cupcakes and scrapbooked together. We genuinely enjoyed each other’s company and she smiled more than I’ve ever seen her smile before. When my children were not around, I was able to see more clearly what Brianna needed from me. She didn’t need another mother. She already has a great one of those. She certainly didn’t need another person telling her what to do. What she needed was undivided attention and to feel like I cared and listened to her. I had ample time this summer to work on that. Now she sees me as a good shopping buddy, (especially when she wants something her dad would say no to), and a good bet if you’re looking for someone to say yes to late night baking projects or pedicure sessions. I think she’s starting to appreciate my fashion sense and is definitely looking forward to the time when she can borrow my shoes. She sees me as a person willing to watch every ridiculous Disney movie and know all the names, and once she even saw me as the “Fairy Step-Mother,” when I made a special wish come true. Mostly, she sees that I’m someone who loves her, loves her Daddy, and is here to stay.

Now that we’ve had a chance to develop our “step-relationship” outside of the craziness of school and with plenty of time for undivided attention, we will need to move into the next phase – my kids are coming home and school is starting up. I will need to work extra hard to show Brianna that I’m still that movie-going, pedicure giving, shopping buddy that loves her and is there for her. I’m sure I’ll continue to make mistakes, and neither one of us is done shedding tears. But I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I thought that being away from my own children for the whole summer would be unbearable, but Brianna was able to show me the silver lining. (I’m sure she gets that from her dad.) Maybe while I was trying to give Brianna what she needed this summer, she was doing the same for me.

08/09/2011

I am a mother, a step-mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a teacher, a writer, a friend and a basketcase. My children are at their dad’s house. My step-children are at their mom’s house. My husband is working with his dad in another state, and I am home alone thinking how quiet it is when nobody is yelling to me! Aside from cleaning obsessively and playing Words With Friends until my fingers hurt, I’ve also been watching a lot of television. In fact, I had such a TLC, Bravo and Food Network overdose that I’m thinking of inventing a new TV show that involves triplet toddlers throwing cupcakes at brides.

I need everybody to come home.

Until then, I’ve been compiling a list of names I’m called on a regular basis. For the sake of keeping this blog family-friendly, I will exclude the names that other drivers call me when I cut them off.

Jody: This is the name my parents picked for me a week before I was born. I was almost Laura. Jody sounds better in the banana-fana song though: Jody Jody Bo Body, Banana-fana fo Fody… You get the idea.

Dody: The name Levi calls me because he can’t pronounce J’s. He also pronounces F’s like S’s with a lisp, so when those other drivers give me the finger, we call them Derksaces.

Joey: This is the name Gabby calls me. She is perfectly capable of pronouncing the D, and will tell you that my real name is Jody. She uses Joey like some people use titles. You know, I have a mom, a dad, and a Joey. Unfortunately for me, when she uses that name I am rendered powerless against anything she asks of me. It is that cute.

Jode: This shortened version of my name is only used by a few people. I don’t think it sounds particularly flattering, but I’ll answer to it as long as it is at the beginning of the following sentence: “Jode, would you like a Pina Colada?”

Fairy Step-Mother: This name was only used once, but I have held on to that memory. Brianna wanted something that no one else could pull off but me. I did it and was rewarded with a smile, a hug and a thank you that had no “step” about it.

Big Jo: My great grandmother was Julia. She was the most amazing human being I’ve ever known and dearly loved in our family. She lived to be 100 years old and all three of my children knew her. Sam even remembers! In the Jewish religion, we do not name our children after living relatives. Still, it is interesting to note that my cousin, Joelle and I both have “J” names and parents who were particularly enamored with Grandma Julia. Joelle is several years younger than I am, so she was always Little Jo, and I was Big Jo.

Jodily Odily: A silly name my father used when I was little. It seems harmless enough…Except that in our huge extended family we have a card game that we love to play called Eights. Each member has an “Eights Name” that is used both during the game as well as anytime anyone wants to embarrass you. Guess what my Eights Name is? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Nodily.

Snooky Head: From my mother. Thanks, Mom. I’m not really sure of the spelling, but if I asked her, she’d just make it up anyway.

DeeJo: A nickname created by a toddler I used to babysit for who had a small speech problem…and carried on by my 30 year old sister, to this day.

Jody Pody: What my grandfather says every single time I call his house. To this day. “Hi Grampy, it’s Jody,” “Jooody Pooody!” I love it.

Mrs. Hoffman: Used only by my students and telemarketers. Both have me occasionally looking for my mother-in-law.

The Cookie Lady: During the month of March I lived and breathed (and ate) Girl Scout Cookies for the sale. As the leader, it was my job to pick them up, count them, eat them, deliver them, exchange them, eat them and basically fill my entire house with them. One of the Girl Scouts had a little brother who now calls me the Cookie Lady. Even now – four months after the end of cookie sale.

Babycakes: Because Jodily Odily and Schnookie Head were just not embarrassing enough. I have no idea where this name came from, but Bill uses it on a regular basis. Once in front of my boss. I do like cake…

Mommy: The best name ever. Used less and less frequently now that my kiddos are nine and twelve, but still pulled out anytime they want something… I’ll admit it. It works.

Mom: A name I answer to at least 100,000 times a day. Except this week. This week I’ve been answering to Mom when other random children say it at the mall or the grocery store. I don’t do it on purpose, but it does create some awkward situations.

Mo-om: Used in times of distress as in: “Mo-om, all the OTHER kids are doing it.” Or “Mo-om, you are so embarrassing.”

Ma: Used in front of friends in order to appear cool, as in: “Ma, we need more food down here. Yo.” This form is not usually met with a willingness to grant whatever demand they are making.

This week I haven’t been called much of anything except “That lady buying wine again.” Next week, when the kids and Bill are all home again and there is complete chaos in my house, would somebody please remind me of how horribly quiet it was when they were all gone? And for goodness sake, would somebody please turn off my freakin’ tv?

07/19/2011

My children have been at their father’s house for 22 days. I had to take out the calendar to count that up. I originally wrote down 39 days. It feels like they have been gone for a million years. This is the longest I’ve ever been away from them. Bill’s kids have a wonderful new summer plan that involves a week here, and then a week at their mom’s house. They are all doing great, but there is an awful lot of time with no kids around.

I miss them.

When I don’t need 2-dozen eggs to make breakfast in the morning, I miss them.

When there’s no one to tuck into bed, I miss them.

When I walk in the door and don’t trip over their sneakers, I miss them.

When we go out on the boat, and no one is shrieking, I miss them.

When I can watch any channel of TV I want and spend an entire day without ever hearing the Phinneaus and Pherb theme song, I (still hear it in my head, and) I miss them.

When Bill and I sit alone at our humoungous dining room table, I miss them. (Who am I kidding? I barely cook even when the kids ARE here! We go out…or occasionally eat cereal at midnight…)

When it is 9am on a Saturday morning and I am still in bed because no one woke me up yet yelling about their brother smacking them or how their sister stole their gameboy… Okay, I don’t miss them ALL the time.

I deal with missing them by shopping (occasionally even for them), scrapbooking photos from the past year and by calling them. I don’t know if you have ever tried to carry-on daily phone conversations with your preteens, but it has roughly the same entertainment value as watching paint dry. Beige paint. Here is a sample conversation:

Sam: Hello?

Me: Hi!

Sam: Who is this?

Me: It’s your mother.

Sam: Oh. [pause] Hi mom.

Me: What are you doing?

Sam: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, what are you watching?

Sam:…………

Me: Do you think maybe you could turn off the TV and talk to me for a minute?

Sam:…………

Me: SAM!

Sam: What?!

Me: Turn off the TV.

Sam: [pretends to turn off the TV, but knows I can’t see him] Ok

Me: So, what did you do today?

Sam: Watched TV/Watched a movie/Played video games

Me: Oh! That sounds fun, what are you doing tomorrow?

Sam: Same answer

Me: Anything else you want to tell me?

Sam: Nope

Me: Nothing?

Sam: Oh! Well…Daddy bought us a cat!/Let me dye my hair!/Saved me when I almost drowned waterskiing!/Had to come get me when I wiped out my bike and was bleeding everywhere!/Is taking us to a waterpark!/Showed me how to light fireworks!

And then, I have the esteemed pleasure of having the Exact.Same.Conversation again. Two more times. I love to hear their voices, and the neurotic mommy in me just needs to make sure they’re okay once a day, but the actual phone conversations leave a bit to be desired.

This makes me pause for a moment to consider my own telephone conversations with my parents, who are also 2,000 miles away. Do I give them my full attention? Do I listen and respond to each piece of advice and information they offer? What is that shiny object over there on the counter? Is that the theme song for Big Brother I hear on the TV? Hmm…Perhaps this is all genetic.

So how in the world am I going to survive another four more weeks of this? I’m working on a list of possible activities to distract me from the fact that my kids are still gone. And we’re not even half done. Here’s the list so far. I’m accepting suggestions…

1. Redecorate the kitchen, bedroom, living room…

2. Write a book.

3. Learn how to cook 75 gourmet meals that the kids will actually eat.

4. Learn how to cook 75 gourmet meals that Bill will eat and buy a lot of chicken nuggets.

5. Just buy chicken nuggets.

6. Organize all the closets and get rid of stuff that doesn’t fit the kids anymore.

7. Buy new stuff to replace it!

8. Catch up on scrapbooking, reading, sleeping, exercising.

9. Learn to knit.

10. Learn how to remove tags from purchased items so it looks like I knit them.

11. Convince Bill we should have another baby.

12. Research cars that seat 9.

13. Peel Bill off the ceiling.

14. Apply for my Phd.

15. Write lesson plans for the first month of school.

16. Give the dogs a bath.

17. Clean the oven so it doesn’t set off the fire alarm every time I use it.

18. Or: Come up with dinner plans that don’t necessitate using the oven.

19. Become increasingly obsessed with TV’s Big Brother. Talk to Bill about the players as if they are my friends.

20. Harass people to go vote for the blog at Top Mommy Blogs until everyone hates me and/or I am number 1.

21. Consider whether the new individually sized frozen drink pouches, Daily’s, are so named because that is their creator’s last name, or because you are supposed to drink them every day.

22. Go with the second – they are delicious.

23. Learn how to use Linky to make a blog hop - DONE! Give me your suggestion as to what should be on my Distraction To-Do List for the summer, and link up your blog!

The Blended Distraction To-Do List Blog Hop

RULES: Please follow Blended, and leave me a comment. Then add your answer and blog link to the Linky. Follow as many of the other blogs as you can and don't forget to leave a comment. Let them know you are a follower from the Blended Distraction Blog Hop!

04/28/2011

Welcome to the Special Holiday Edition of Blended! That means 4 posts in 4 days! Two regular posts: Wednesday and Saturday, and two special holiday posts: Easter today, and Passover tomorrow. Clearly, soccer season hasn't started yet. Happy Reading...

*Facebook 4/13/11 - In our house, the Easter Bunny comes a week early and brunch is at 9am.

We are not above moving holidays to suit our schedule. Last year we had Thanksgiving on the second Thursday instead of the third. We often celebrate birthdays early, late, several times…whatever works for us. First we find a weekend when all six kids will be home. Then we pick a day that doesn’t have any baseball, soccer, volleyball, basketball, archery or Girl Scout events. Then we wait to see if everyone is healthy with all bones intact. Then we check the weather to be sure that no snow storms, hail or flooding would impede our festivities. At that point, when we feel fairly certain that a day will work, we make sure it is within 6 weeks of the actual event we’re trying to celebrate and then write it on the calendar. In pencil.

When we realized that we had all six kids and no sporting events the weekend before Easter this year, we figured we had a good chance of success. As the date approached, we had no broken limbs and only one kid had strep. (Why do we always have strep?) The impending snowstorm that was forecast would move our egg hunt indoors, but it seemed that we would be looking at snow until July, so that didn’t sway us. The biggest selling point: celebrating Easter a week early meant not having to search for Kosher-for-Passover Easter Candy. Done.

Bill and I bought most of the Easter section at the store. The customer behind us in line questioned whether we were running a daycare or some sort of event. This was not the first time I’ve been asked this question in line at the grocery store, so I replied, “No, we just REALLY like jelly beans.”

After arriving home the day before our Easter and sneaking the Easter Bunny-loot upstairs, I sent Bill to the store to buy the egg-coloring supplies we had forgotten. As a non-egg-coloring-Jew, I was new to this activity and couldn’t understand why he had come home with a huge tarp-like plastic tablecloth in addition to the dye, egg dippers and cups. I learned quickly.

I read the directions for egg-coloring:

1. Fill the plastic cup with water and vinegar.

2. Add the dye tab and stir.

3. Gently dip your hard-boiled egg into the water using the egg dipper.

4. Wait patiently.

5. Gently lift the egg out and carefully place it someplace safe to dry.

Dye? Gently? Patiently? I felt concerned.

Brianna, the egg-coloring expert was excited to initiate my children into the egg-coloring club. Together, they dipped and dyed and even managed to create some multi-colored eggs. They were gentle, patient and careful. Bill worked with Levi and managed to keep things fairly neat and create some fun looking eggs. I was in charge of Gabby. Who dyes eggs with her hands. And spills. And doesn’t understand “patient” or “gentle.”

Thanks for the tarp, Bill.

Coloring eggs. Yup, those are Shabbat candles in the background

Immediately following the egg-coloring came the egg-eating portion of our holiday. My kids had never loved hard-boiled eggs before, but somehow the fact that they were decorated made them exciting. They were very disappointed, however, to discover that inside the fancy colored shell, there was a plain old boring white egg. They devoured eggs until I cut them off for fear of stomach aches. Our table was covered with shells and also yolks, (collectively deemed disgusting and uneatable).

In the morning, the kids engaged their traditional Holiday Morning Routine: waking each other up at 6am and then screaming and running around the house until we stumble out of bed.

I I don’t wanna hear another peep outta you.

By the time we got downstairs, the kids were halfway through their candy-filled Easter baskets, and were joyfully watching the dogs find (and eat) all of the plastic Easter eggs we had hidden throughout the house. We kenneled the dogs, and sent the kids running through the house to find what was left of the hidden eggs.

As the kids worked off their sugar-highs by jumping on the beds, we made brunch. If you wake up at 6 am, then 9am really IS halfway between breakfast and lunch, so we just rolled with it. Since it was our first Easter together we decided we could invent our own traditional feast. So, we ate mini pigs in blankets, deviled eggs (called double eggs by everyone under 10 in this house and served on my grandmother’s special egg plate), popcorn chicken, cupcakes, cinnamon rolls…and bagels with cream cheese. I know, I know, we are celebrating Easter here, but for the Jewish people, in my family anyway, brunch = bagels. Besides, around here we just make what we think they will eat.

So our first family Easter was a success. Here’s to flexibility, the dogs’ stomachs tolerating all the candy, starting new traditions, Spring (someday soon we hope) and a husband who understands the appropriate time and place for tarp-like table coverings.

04/13/2011

Bill and I met through ridiculous circumstances and ended up spending a year and a half flying back and forth between Boston and South Dakota to see each other in what I refer to as our Extreme Long Distance Relationship. It isn’t that the distance is so bad – less than 3 hours to Minneapolis, then a half hour layover during which we always picked up chocolate covered gummy bears, then a quick hour flight on a plane so small it would fit in Sam’s Backpack – but the logistics. In order to see each other, we had to figure out a weekend when neither of us had our kids, decide East Coast or Midwest, or some other crazy place, and then make sure there weren’t any snowstorms or emergency room visits in the way. So, I have made the trip from South Dakota back to Boston 11 times, each time sad to be leaving this person I loved.

Last week, the Aberdeen to Boston portion of my trip was the beginning, not the end. Bill drove me to our tiny little airport. Our airport (town!) is so small that Bill leaves his pick-up running outside right at the airport door when he brings me inside. Our airport is so small that we only have three flights a day, all to Minneapolis, and the planes have propellers on them! Also the whole airport shuts down between planes. I said goodbye to Bill at Gate 1A, (Why is the gate called 1A when there is only one? It should just be THE gate.) and flew back to my hometown. It was the first time I’d been back since I drove away last June. My sister was turning 30 and my mom was planning a big party for her. I hadn’t realized how it would feel to take this trip in the opposite direction, or how it would feel to be kid-free for so long. (My own kids were away for 10 days and Bill’s were having some “Daddy time” as well.)

As I flew across the country and navigated through the Minneapolis airport, it struck me how different this felt. I am still at that point where being away from my new husband for a weekend feels like too long (although I’m told this does not last forever…) and at the same time, I haven’t been “home” to Boston since we drove away last June and quite frankly, I miss my mom!

*Facebook 3/11/11: At the baggage claim at Logan, some lady asked if I was visiting Boston or coming home. She thought "I have no idea" was a weird answer.

As soon as I arrived at my parents’ house I realized that my mom had done way more of the party planning than I had expected. There was nothing left for me to do! So…I shopped. And had my nails done. And called to find out that my old hairdresser had an opening for me! All these little things that I had missed in my new “small town life.”

*Facebook 3/12/11: Coffee with a good friend at a REAL Starbucks, haircut at my old favorite salon, driving daddy's cool Volvo sports car (which doesn't seat 8 and could be parked in my SUV's trunk)...I could get used to this! (Kids? What kids?)

*Facebook 3/12/11: Has returned to the mothership...pedicure massaging chair.

On the way back home to South Dakota, I contemplated an interesting absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder phenomenon. Chomping on the chocolate covered gummy bears that I bought for Bill but ate before I got to him, I made the following lists:

Things in Boston I didn’t realize how much I had missed until I had them back:

A real mall with escalators and a GAP

A Mani-Pedi place with massaging pedicure chairs

Starbucks

My parents

My sister

Always knowing exactly how to get where I’m going.

Things in Aberdeen I didn’t realize how much I appreciate until I left them:

My own bed

No Traffic

Bill

Things I didn’t miss:

4 feet of snow

Dogs barking at 5:30am

I’m sure that I will make the trip back to Boston frequently, both alone and with all the kids and Bill. I’m not sure, however, that I will ever be able to answer the baggage claim lady’s question. I’m home and away. I’m visiting home. Deal with it.

04/09/2011

*Facebook 3/9: Jody Hoffman has a split personality today...Good Mommy says, "my kids are leaving for 10 days and I am going to miss them soooooo much." Tired Mommy says, "I bet on at least one of those 10 days I will be able to go pee when I decide I want to."

*Facebook 3/10 Went from a houseful of 10 to just two in the space of 30 minutes. The quiet is lonelier than I thought it would be.

There were ten people in my house last weekend. You see, we didn’t think eight was enough, so we flew in my parents from Boston. I’m pretty sure they enjoyed themselves, or at least were amused. Mostly they spent their time shaking their heads in bewilderment, shielding their faces from flying food at dinner, racing around all day: often in two separate vehicles, herding everyone into bed at 8:30 and collapsing, exhausted on the couch at 8:31. My mom also had the unique opportunity of taking my children to the dentist while I was at work. I told her that it was because they couldn’t make me an after-school appointment until June, but really it was because you would have to be completely freakin’ insane to take 6 kids to the dentist all at once. My kids all love when Nana and Pop come to visit. There’s something really special about getting the kid-to-adult ratio under 4-to-1…

At the end of their visit, Bill and I packed my Pilot and his pick-up with 10 people, two dogs, one five pound Shitzu-Poodle and one 80 pound Golden Retiever “puppy” and 764 suitcases. We then drove around town emptying the vehicles. We lost two dogs to the vet for grooming, shots and boarding. We delivered three kids to their respective schools and preschools and then, finally, we left three kids, two grandparents and 764 suitcases at the airport.

Then we drove home and stared at each other for about 20 minutes.

The downside of being a blended family is that sometimes our kids go away. The upside is that sometimes they go away…all at the same time. We learned pretty early on that there are two ways to deal with this.

1. Be sad, worry about them and wish they were here. Sit in their rooms and cry.

2. Watch grown-up TV, eat whatever we want (because no one is judging our vegetable intake or modeling their eating habits after ours) and have entire conversations during which each of us finishes sentences and no one bursts into the room bleeding, tattling or throwing up.

This time we chose number 2. Don’t get me wrong, we missed them all (to be honest, not the dogs so much), but choice number 2 is much more fun. When life gives you lemons…trade them in for coconuts and make Pina Coladas.

Over the next few days, our normal hectic routine was drastically changed. We enjoyed each other’s company. We ate and watched and talked about whatever we wanted. We drove to the Black Hills for a few days to really get away from reality. I spent two days kid AND husband free in Boston for my sister’s birthday. Bill slept in and read the Cabella’s magazine from cover to cover, (and also cleaned the entire house because he cares about things like clean floors and folded laundry). We don’t realize how infrequently we do Whatever We Want, until we actually get to do Whatever We Want.

When the clock struck end-of-vacation, we made the reverse rounds in our car (only one this time.) First we collected Brianna, Gabby and Levi. Then we drove to the vet to retrieve our very stinky and excited dogs. Then, with an almost full, very smelly car, we drove to the airport to pick up Sam, Emily and Hannah. Once we had everyone hugged, kissed and buckled, we exchanged looks (because we couldn’t exchange words – who could hear anything in this zoo-on-wheels?), shook our heads in bewilderment, and rejoined our real world. Happily.

Hopefully my parents will come back in September because that’s when I scheduled the next dentist appointment.

*Facebook 3/21 I know I talk a lot about how crazy it is to have everybody here...But after a few days with no kids and no dogs - a carful of 6 kids and 2 dogs on the way home from the airport today feels just like heaven. Really, really loud heaven.