Welcome, Dear Readers, to the weekend here at the blog! And because it’s Saturday, we’re just going to kick back, drink some coffee, and flip (or flick if you’re from the UK) through old magazines from history’s easiest decade to make fun of — the slightly creepy seventies!

Today we’ll be looking through a Better Homes and Gardens from 1976,

Let’s turn to the page, shall we

Happily here’s a problem I’ve never had. Wanting to look younger for my children. Who wants to look young for their children? I just figure as long as my appearance doesn’t embarrass them, they probably won’t ever notice how young (or old) I look.

And how did slightly-creepy seventies mom stay looking young for her kids? Well, by washing dishes by hand that’s how!

Back in the seventies, it didn’t matter if you face looked old as long as your hands looked young

Back in the seventies, having young-looking hands was really a big deal. Nobody cared about your face so much, but, boy oh boy, if your hands looked old, it was all over sister! And the best way to keep your hands looking young was to sell your automatic dishwasher and wash all your dishes by hand using Ivory liquid dish soap.

Well this is an interesting headline:

Slightly Creepy Seventies Cookware that knew more than it was telling

Apparently back in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, only ‘most women’ were better cooks than their cookware. There must have been some women wandering around the slightly creepy seventies whose cookware could cook better than they could. How embarrassing! I only hope their kids didn’t think their hands looked old –or they would have been sailing down the Slightly Creepy Seventies Creek without a paddle.

Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool

Okay, I’m not even exactly sure what a tool is, Dear Readers, but I’m pretty sure the guy in this picture represents The Quintessential Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool.

Apparently it wasn’t enough just to have ugly tile on your floors in the slightly creepy seventies, they had to go and make little sticky linoleum tiles that looked just like your ugly floor so you could stick them on your walls and on your cupboards and on your furniture and on your cat.

Which is probably why more people went blind from staring at ugly tile than at any other time in our nation’s history. And, perhaps not coincidentally, more people were happy to have gone blind than at any other time in our nation’s history.

Here’s some slightly creepy seventies towel folding:

There is no way those towels are going to fit in that basket

I’m sorry Slightly-Creepy Seventies housewife lady but that is a stupid way to fold towels in any decade! (But if it’s any consolation your hands do look young — what we can see of them anyway.)

Remember these?

They were called notes. And it was the way people kept track of their activities and whatnot in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies before there were smart phones and text messages.

And they didn’t work very well either:

Whoops! Somebody didn’t read their slightly creepy seventies notes!

And finally, let’s end on this little bit of slightly creepy seventies fashion:

Okay, I can’t actually prove it, but what do you want to bet this couple with their matching Captain ‘N First Mate t-shirts are the proud parents of The Quintessential Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool. Oh, and you’ll notice they’re also hiding their hands. Apparently they have an electric dishwasher.

Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to close the magazine now, Dear Readers, as there is only so much of the slightingly creepy seventies we can take in one sitting!

What? You mean to tell me all this time we were supposed to be sniffing the vinyl. Well that explains a lot. It sounds like you were the only person who actually enjoyed the seventies the way they were meant to be enjoyed. (I think they’re coming out with an antibiotic for those voices, it’s a voice that tells the other voices to shut up — if that’s any consolation.)

Ahahaha! We didn’t have those erasers, unfortunately. The only special powers our pencil erasers had was that they made pencil lead disappear, but oddly nothing happened when you sniffed them — try as we might . . .

Haha! Oh I love “set the creep meter on 11! HA! And you’re right that first mate’s hairdo has a guinea pig incorporated into it (as we as was the fashion of the day). I’m just thanking my lucky stars that that Young Looking Mom wasn’t wearing Towel Folding mom’s pants — the creep meter would have registered tilt.

Here’s something you may not know. You remember the Stepford Wives, the original movie. Well, when they move to the town and the first creepy lady they meet hosting a party is played by Nanette Newman who later went onto front TV commercials for washing up liquid with the jingle, “Hands that do dishes can feel soft as your face with mild green Fairy liquid” Maybe The Stepford Wives wasn’t so far fetched.

Oh yes! I do remember her! Oh that is eerie, isn’t it? That she ended up getting paid for acting like a Stepford wife. You’ve reminded me of how much I liked that movie! I’m going to have to watch it again. I haven’t seen if for years. Ira Levin is one of my very favorite authors. I just watched Rosemary’s Baby again recently and it really holds up.

And I don’t think the Stepford wives is all that far-fetched, especially today!

Oh I know! I looked up Katherine Ross to see what she was up to and it said she had to get a restraining order on her daughter because after she attacked her and repeatedly stabbed her with scissors. Isn’t that weird?