Spiritual Bypassing: How Spirituality Sabotaged My Growth

For those of you that haven’t had the privilege of hearing Duncan orate, it’s kind of like listening to a raspy hybrid of Alan Watts and Jim Breuer — wise enough to capture your attention, with a certain stoned goofiness that keeps it all playful.

Duncan talks about spirituality in nearly all of his interviews — most guests will happily indulge him in doing so. Naturally, spirituality is a big reason why people tune in to the podcast. So it took me by surprise when he mentioned that spirituality, as a set of ideas and practices, could actually be self–sabotaging.

Spiritual bypassing, a term coined in the early 1980s by psychologist John Welwood, refers to the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings, unresolved wounds, and fundamental emotional and psychological needs. The concept was developed in the spirit of Chögyam Trungpa’s Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, which was one of the first attempts to name this spiritual distortion.

According to teacher and author Robert Augustus Masters, spiritual bypassing causes us to withdraw from ourselves and others, hiding behind a kind of spiritual veil of metaphysical beliefs and practices. He says it “not only distances us from our pain and difficult personal issues, but also from our own authentic spirituality, stranding us in a metaphysical limbo, a zone of exaggerated gentleness, niceness, and superficiality.”

My Own Bypassing

Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one’s negativity or shadow side, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.

Before listening to Duncan wax lyrical about this, I never imagined there could be such subtle and complex consequences of pursuing spiritual matters. And thinking that I, a cautious and sincere spiritual seeker, could be suffering such consequences seemed equally absurd.

But after reading the detailed description of symptoms, I knew it applied to my situation. I realized that at a certain point in early adulthood, I had perverted spirituality into a defense mechanism — a mechanism that enabled me to disavow any negative quality or behavior in myself.

I recall a few specific patterns taking place:

Whenever I became anxious, I would immediately reach for the nearest Eckhart Tolle or Alan Watts text on my bookshelf. Instead of sitting with the anxiety and checking in to see if it was coming from an innocuous source, I would quickly find refuge in spiritual philosophy.

I would strive to maintain the appearance of someone who is constantly at peace with oneself, even though inside I may have felt like the weight of the world was crushing down on my soul. This kind of faux spirituality had a complete stranglehold on my speech and behavior and caused intense cognitive dissonance.

Whenever I had done something hurtful or wrong to another person, I would rarely take responsibility for it. I deflected that responsibility by saying things like “that person just needs to grow spiritually” or “it’s just an illusion anyways” — all in a naïve tone reminiscent of the time I thought I was a bonafide professor of quantum physics.

The process of realizing when you’re to blame in any given situation is no easy task. But spiritual bypassing enables one to ignore that difficult process altogether. It led me to believe I was always right because I was more “enlightened” than all the ignorant sheeples who just couldn’t see the damn light. But the harsh truth of this spiritual arrogance is that I was ignoring the pain I caused in others because I was ignoring a similar pain in myself.

“Spouse left you for your brother? Just stay positive. It’s all love.” (Photo via Flickr Commons.)

Reinforcements From Our Culture

Masters writes:

Part of the reason for [spiritual bypassing] is that we tend not to have very much tolerance, either personally or collectively, for facing, entering, and working through our pain, strongly preferring pain-numbing “solutions,” regardless of how much suffering such “remedies” may catalyze. Because this preference has so deeply and thoroughly infiltrated our culture that it has become all but normalized, spiritual bypassing fits almost seamlessly into our collective habit of turning away from what is painful, as a kind of higher analgesic with seemingly minimal side effects. It is a spiritualized strategy not only for avoiding pain but also for legitimizing such avoidance, in ways ranging from the blatantly obvious to the extremely subtle.

The subtlety of recognition seems to be the root of why this affliction is so widespread and under-diagnosed. Psychologist Ingrid Mathieu also notes this subtlety in her article Beware of Spiritual Bypass:

Although the defense looks a lot prettier than other defenses, it serves the same purpose. Spiritual bypass shields us from truth, it disconnects us from our feelings, and helps us avoid the big picture. It is more about checking out than checking in — and the difference is so subtle that we usually don’t even know we are doing it.

Considering our culture generally shuns negative emotions, it’s no surprise many of us respond to those emotions with repression. Prominent manifestations of repression, such as alcoholism and drug addiction, are forms of relief whose conspicuous quality makes them easier to identify and intervene. Spiritual bypassing, while seemingly more benign, is much more difficult to notice because it’s guised in the appearance of wholeness and wisdom. It’s much harder to recognize our repression when we’re chanting “Om Shanti” on a regular basis or repeating positive affirmations that “everything is okay” or “all is love.”

Yoga, meditation, psychedelics, prayer, affirmations, deeply engaging with the present moment, etc. are all incredibly powerful spiritual tools if used appropriately. But sometimes, and if we’re not careful, those things can end up masking deeper issues lingering both inside and outside of us.

To me, spiritual bypassing is fundamentally about taking a so-called absolute truth — such as “everything is okay” — and using it to ignore or deny relative truths — such as the grief we feel when we lose a loved one, or the shame that arises when we fail at something important.On the personal and interpersonal level, sometimes everything isn’t okay.And that’s okay.

That may seem trite, but in the context of spiritual bypassing, it’s a platitude that I feel requires frequent repetition.

Before we can heal our pain, we have to be honest about it and accept it— which is ideally what spirituality should help realize. As Masters suggests, this is certainly easier said than done and requires a level of vulnerability which most of us are uncomfortable with.

Nonetheless, if we grant validity to the many claims that spirituality is shaping the evolution of humanity, it seems wise to confront the intricacies of our own bypassing sooner rather than later. Doing so could not only prevent years of developmental stagnation, but also help implement new angles of self-awareness that our world so desperately needs. Acknowledgment and acceptance were the first major steps for me, and I sense a deeper spirituality is following in their wake.

Jonathan Toniolo also goes by Tony. When he’s not having an identity crisis, he enjoys researching the intersection of technology and the evolution of consciousness. He also likes kicking soccer balls, stand-up comedy, and traveling the world. Add him on Facebook to connect and discuss the meaning of life.

Thank you for writing this article. I hope anyone who has fallen into this trap will realize the damage it can do.
I was raised in a certain spiritual tradition that had this type of spirituality, and its many variants, developed to an art form.
It didn’t feel right to me, but since virtually everyone around me used the same language, and had similar maladaption, I didn’t even have the language to express that something didn’t “feel” right. I had no idea of what feelings and intuition was. Over the years, I explored many facets and streams of spirituality and related paths.
I have finally settled into one that, although it can be as imperfect as its adherents–because we’re all human–provides a structure for expressing one’s authenticity.
However, since I’m now in my 50s, I can say for certain that this destructive twist on authentic spirituality can be found within anyone of any tradition. It’s at least cultural, if not part of the human condition. We humans are so adept at bending anything metaphysical into our own version of “Truth” and spirituality. And we actually believe our own distortions!
I hope that, no matter what one’s spiritual path–that all traditions seek to assist in extinguishing our own illusions that keep us from an authentic spiritual journey of the soul.
Thanks again for articulating the issue.

Well, it mainly affected how I would respond in conversation. I mentioned as an example how I would constantly try to appear as peaceful as possible, even when it went against my intuitive reactions to situations or things people said.

During peak experiences of feeling deeply in touch with my “higher” self, I noticed how easy and peaceful it was to talk to others. And I think in a kind of desperate “fake-it-till-you-make-it” attempt to get back to that place, I began approaching certain interactions in the image of an enlightened person.

Although, sometimes this superficial peacefulness turned into what I now consider to be a form of “competitive spirituality” (deflecting responsibility, ” _____ isn’t as enlightened as me”, etc.).

In sum, I wasn’t reacting authentically in conversation. Hope this helps to clarify :)

This reminds me of an amateur ebook I read called the ‘Seduction of Self Destruction’ by kyle Spence. Where the author talks about a concept called ‘pathological altruism’ and how it can be a form of self sabotage and a means to avoid facing realities.

Thanks! This is embarrassing to say, but I actually haven’t been able to find the exact episode. I can’t remember who the guest was either :/ It’s roughly a 10 minute spiel within the interview and I want to say it was from the beginning of 2015. I’ll keep looking, but if you find it first, please do share here!