In life and love, you may think you’re supposed to always focus on the positive instead of the negative. However, unless you become aware of your own hurtful attitudes or actions — so that you can correct them — your chances of staying in love ’til death do you part are close to zero. To have your marriage last a lifetime, avoid these 10 common mistakes:

1. Talking “at” instead of “with” your mate. Let his or her body language be your guide. When you’re talking “at” your partner, he or she will tense up. When you’re talking “with” your spouse, he or she will relax.

2. Tuning out — instead of tuning in — to what your mate is saying. When you mind begins to wander, stop and remember that what your partner is saying is important to him or her.

3. Forgetting to thank your mate. Not thanking your spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes him or her feel unappreciated and foolish for caring about you. even if your mate did something as simple as remembering to wash the laundry or cook dinner or pay an outstanding bill. although it may be generally “considered as a duty”, it is not. In fact the main duty in a marriage is to make the other person happy, for most people, ultimately that does not necessary have to do with chores or bills.

7. Playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury by implying that he or she is doing it intentionally, when that may not be the case. not everyone has the same capacity of receiving accusations, so it is safest not to jump and accuse your mate of having bad intentions, even if they have repeated similar mistakes in the past.

8. Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know what your partner feels — and why — without first getting all the facts is only going to push him or her away.

9. Badmouthing your spouse behind his or her back. This not only adds to the list of secrets you keep from your mate, but also tells others how little you respect your partner.

10. Thinking that doing something once is enough. If you only temporarily stop making the above mistakes — and don’t continue to monitor yourself to keep from slipping back into bad habits — If your spouse was satisfied with that last boquet of roses you bought her or that last set of golf clubs you got him, all signs point to the fact that giving and receiving gifts is a good thing. So keep it up! you’re teasing your partner with changing one time and going to the same old song and dance. You’re also kidding yourself that you’re committed to improving your marriage, when really you’re not.

Yeah, you read the title right. Islam and sex. No I don’t mean gender. This seems to be a topic that many imams and speakers don’t want to adress. However, if you go to any fatwa site you will see scores of questions about sex. What is lawful and unlawful? Does the wife have rights over the man? What’s meant by angels curse a woman who doesn’t come to her husband’s bed when he calls? Those are some of the biggest questions that I have personally read. Alhamdullilah, finally an imam has stepped up to the plate and decided to do an entire lecture series on the subject of Sex in Islam.

This course is now finished. However, you can review the videos/download the recordings from

importance of marriage
Sexual lust
sexual satisfaction for wives from an Islamic perspective
How to fulfill the husband sexual need during the menstrual cycle.
our prophet e the real husband
Islamic guide lines in intimate relations between husbands and wives
Real beauty in men and women according to Islam?
Real stories and light humor for all topics addressed
how can husbands and wives please each other
Permitted and forbidden sexual pleasures out side the wed lock.
Description of the best woman according to a Bedouin.
description of women according to age
How to choose your spouse according to Islam and a philosopher…And much more.

Sheikh Hasan Khalil is the Imam of Center Masjid in Arlington Texas
and also a regular speaker at sunnahfollowers.net

I once knew a beautiful Muslim woman full of confidence and charisma. Almost Every Friday, she and her husband would get out of their car and walk to the masjid hand in hand. He would lean down and give her a peck on the cheek before they parted ways, he to the men’s entrance and she to the women’s entrance.

One day, as she entered through the women’s entrance and stood to pray her two rakats to greet the masjid, a sister called out to her “Ya Khaltu” (Oh Auntie), don’t you and your husband know that holding hands in public is a sin, much less kissing! AstagfirAllah!! AstagfirAllah! At your age you should be ashamed.” May Allah guide us all!”

She stood still for a few seconds and then raised her hands and said the takbeer beginning her prayer. The younger sister smirked thinking that she had done her duty well. As Khaltu prayed, hushed whispers filled the room, each woman entering getting an ear full of the juicy gossip of the moment and the tale of how “khaltu” was given a good dressing down by the younger sister (who sat basking in the attention).

When Khaltu finished her prayer, she turned around, tears in her eyes, but nevertheless dignified. All the sisters quietened eagerly waiting to hear what Khaltu would say, itching to hear an argument so that they may go home and burn up the phone lines with the jumah gossip.

However, what they got was not an argument. Khaltu simply said:Perhaps, you think that I am crying because of the “advice” given me. No, I am crying because as I was making dhikr, I heard all the hushed whispers,no doubt spreading the gossip. I was crying because I found out how eager my beloved sisters are to eat my flesh. She faced the younger sister and continued, “And what is your proof from the Qur’an and Sunnah? Do you have an ayat, a saheeh (authenticated) hadith?” The younger sister thought for a few seconds before starting “I once read in a fatwa….” “No,” Khaltu cut her off. “I follow the Quran and Sunnah. What does the Quran and Sunnah say prohibiting it?” The younger woman couldn’t answer. “Well, I believe that settles it, correct?” Khaltu finished with a tone that made it clear she was finished with the issue.

Now, Why is it that so many people are quick to judge? Itching to show one another up to see who can deliver the most stinging blow. Why do people think that they can prove their righteousness by analyzing their fellow muslims for any sign of weakness or mistake so that they may come back and throw it in their face in the most horrific manner possible. What does this accomplish other than division, hurt feelings, and rancour?

It is human nature not to agree on every single point. The companions (the great sahabiyat and tabieen) did not even agree on every single topic. Did they react by treating each other badly? No, because they feared Allah and knew the seriousness of such actions.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t advise people. I’m not saying that you have to accept all other opinions. All I’m saying is, when disagreeing do so in a good way. A way that will unify rather than divide, a way that doesn’t leave people trying to avoid you at all costs.

We need to recognize that people are going to follow different madhabs, people are going to have different opinions, but as long as they say la illaha ill Allah, Muhammad ar Rasool Allah. They are your brother and sister and you owe them their rights and your kindness.

Sometimes, you just have to say: You follow what you deem best and I will follow what I deem best. And leave it at that.

Secondly, It is a sad fact indeed that SOME (NOT ALL!!!!) Muslims feel that they can show one another no affection in public and in some cases act like they do not even know one another! I’m not talking about making out or anything lewd. But what is wrong with holding hands, linking arms, or a small peck on the cheek? I don’t get it. Will the world end if my husband stops walking hand in hand with me down the street? No. But it’s nice and it shows our children that we care about one another and it shows others that most Muslim men are not opressive to their wives but instead we are actually very well cared for and loved. As long as it is happening behind closed doors that’s all that counts. Yes, I have heard that and I get it. But this is just one of those things that I don’t believe is wrong and I have failed to see concrete evidence that it is wrong. Trust me, if someone brings me a hadith or verse of the qur’an saying “do not hold your wife’s hand in public, do not link arms, thou shalt not give your wife a peck on the cheek…..” I will stop it. Until then……leave me alone.

I am one of those people who have always had several acquaintances and a couple of close friends. Sure, it’s easy to open up and share on the internet. After all, I have a barrier. I don’t worry about the reactions i may get, because I will probably never see these people.

I did have close friends growing up. Though, as I drifted closer and closer to Islam, they drifted farther and farther away from me. I believe they were a little jealous of my time spent talking to the Muslim sister that was helping me learn about Islam. They began excluding me from gatherings and generally ignoring me. To be fair we were in high school. So, I have to factor in the maturity level. I remember hearing from the time I was in grade school, “Whoa, she is really mature for her age.” All of my doctors, teachers, and coaches were surprised to learn my age. However, my friends were more typical teens. That is what bonded us. We had a balance. Still, when it came to grown up issues, they were immature. Thus, the separation, jokes, and general teen conduct that you might expect. By the time I converted to Islam, it was over between us.

My first friend as a Muslim was a very sweet sister. She was the one who helped me make the choice to convert to Islam and she stuck by me through the first few rocky months of my Islamic life. Though, she soon graduated and moved back to her country of origin.

So, I turned to learning about Islam. I began reading books about the Prophet(saw)’s life and the early Muslims. I realized, how they all stuck together during the time they were opressed and tortured. I thought how great it must be to have such friends and companions.This would hit home several years later. I finally did meet some other Muslim women. They were as sweet and comforting as I could have imagined.

I realized that in Islam we don’t have just friends or B.F.F’s. We have sisters and brothers. It is like a huge family. Some of us may have different strengths and weaknesses much like members of a family. However, we still have to love and support one another in good times and bad. We have to be encouraging and at the same time GENTLY remind our “family members” to stay on the right guidance (the Qu’ran and Sunnah). We need to be a support system like a huge safety net for a troubled brother or sister to fall back on.This is how it’s supposed to be if we were indeed following the Qur’an and Sunnah.

Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet said, “A faithful believer to a faithful believer is like the bricks of a wall, enforcing each other.” While (saying that) the Prophet clasped his hands, by interlacing his fingers. (Bukhari,Book #8, Hadith #468)

What happens when you begin removing the bricks? The wall begins to fall.

Unfortunately, this is happening today. We don’t stick together and encourage one another like the companions of the Prophet did. Instead we become jealous and try to undermine one another.When one of our brothers or sisters is drifting into a dangerous group, their fellow brothers and sisters often remain silent instead of trying to get them back to true Islam. When a Muslim leader is corrupt and oppressing his people,do the Muslims around the world write him trying to advise him to give up his tyranny? Sadly no (see riyad us saliheen ch23-encouraging good and forbidding evil). In some communities around the world a Muslim may even kill his brother for a difference of opinion. This is sad and it needs to stop.

Narrated Al-Ahnaf bin Qais: I went to help that man (i.e., ‘Ali), and on the way I met Abu Bakra who asked me, “Where are you going?” I replied, “I am going to help that man.” He said, “Go back, for I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, ‘If two Muslims meet each other with their swords then (both) the killer and the killed one are in the (hell) Fire.’ I said, ‘O Allah’s Apostle! It is alright for the killer, but what about the killed one?’ He said, ‘The killed one was eager to kill his opponent.” (Book #83, Hadith #14)

What happened to making excuses and lowering the wings of humility to one another? Do you know that the Ansar were so accomodating to those muslims who sought refuge in Medina that a man would even offer to divorce one of his wives so his brother could be married? Subhan’Allah what beautiful manners and love for the fellow believers they had! Imagine if we had that type of manners today. Maybe the world wouldn’t view us as terrorists anymore but instead be racing to join this beautiful way of life,Islam.

“And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allaah (i.e. this Qur’aan), and be not divided among yourselves

When I look at my children, I see the typical childhood, worry free. Unfortunatley that is not the case for millions of children worldwide. Many children spend their days and nights worrying about where their next meal will come from, where they will sleep, wondering if they will be abused today. My heart breaks for these children. .

In third world countries, the United States is often viewed as some kind of Utopia. Americans are often viewed as rich and powerful, with perfectly safe homes, and happy spoiled kids. This isn’t always the case. In fact, many Americans do not live so well, many Americans don’t evn have homes, and many kids are like the children I just mentioned above: helpless, victimized, and weary.The truth is abuse knows no race, religion, country, or status. It happens everywhere.

During 2005, Child Protective Services (CPS) agencies investigated an estimated 3.6 million cases of child maltreatment. Of those investigations, approximatley one quarter were determined to have been abused or neglected. That is about 899,000 in the US, DC and Puerto Rico.[http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm05/chaptersix.htm#prevent].

Reading the reports and statistics can make one feel absolutely powerless. However, we can make a difference. Muslims should notify the Imams of their communites promptly and set about steps to correct the situation. In additon see these links:

As Muslims, we should try to make an effort to get our community to form support groups, build shelters, and become a refuge for the abused children in our communities. The Muslim children who are abused need to be in Muslim shelters and houses. Many muslims do not hesitate to donate to their favorite political campaign or send money overseas. However, we need help right here in our own communites. We have alot that needs to be done right under our noses. We need to stop making excuses. It’s time to step up and make a positive change!!!

“We get calls for Muslim foster families, for Muslim children…and we cannot place them. When everyone says no, that means they are placed wherever the state can place them. That will be within a culture and religion that is foreign to them. Every day they are within a non-Muslim home diminishes their religious identity.” (Molly Dagett, MSW Lutheran Social services. taken from: Foster Care: A fact sheet for prospective muslim families).

The Prophet (saw) said: Whoever sponsors an orphan will be like this with me in paradise and the put his middle and index fingers together. (Bukhari, Muslim)

Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, Al-Masakin (the poor), the neighbour who is near of kin, the neighbour who is a stranger, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (you meet), and those (slaves) whom your right hands possess. Verily, Allah does not like such as are proud and boastful; Those who are miserly and enjoin miserliness on other men and hide what Allah has bestowed upon them of His Bounties…. (Qur’an 4:36-37)

Let’s face it. As women we can be cruel to each other. As for men, I don’t know the politics of their relationships being that I am not a man. Therefore, I will not speak about men. Though, I do know the relationships and cruelty we women show one another. It seems that everything is a competition. Who is the most pious, intelligent, who has the best children, who is the most beautiful and on and on.In my opinion this competitveness is our human nature. However, as Muslim women we should be above this nonsense. Sadly, many of us are not. Many of us can not control our tongues. We love to backbite and gossip about other sisters. Maybe, it makes us feel better about our own less than perfect lives. Women are quick to point out which woman needs to lose weight, which woman has a big nose or out of date clothing. We are quick to look down on the sister who gives us something that we view as small. Allah (swt) and the Prophet(Saw) advises us:“And backbite not one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” (49:12)
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “Do you know what is backbiting?” The Companions said: “Allah and His Messenger know better.” Thereupon he said, “Backbiting is talking about your (Muslim) brother in a manner which he dislikes.” It was said to him: “What if my (Muslim) brother is as I say.” He said, “If he is actually as you say, then that is backbiting; but if that is not in him, that is slandering.”
[Muslim].

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: I heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, “A person utters a word thoughtlessly (i.e., without thinking about its being good or not) and, as a result of this, he will fall down into the fire of Hell deeper than the distance between the east and the west.”
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

The Prophet (saw) said: The two sins that will be punished for most in the grave are slander (in some narrations it says backbiting) and failure to clean yourself after usuing the toilet. (Bukhari)
O ye who believe! Let not some men among you laugh at others: It may be that the (latter) are better than the (former): Nor let some women laugh at others: It may be that the (latter are better than the (former): Nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames: Ill-seeming is a name connoting wickedness, (to be used of one) after he has believed: And those who do not desist are (indeed) doing wrong. (English translation of Qur’an 49:11)

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “O Muslim women! None of you should look down upon the gift sent by her she-neighbour even if it were the trotters of the sheep (fleshless part of legs).” (Bukhari, Book #47, Hadith #740)

Ramadan, the month that is supposed to bring us many rewards, turns into the month which we ruin our good deeds. Let me explain. We spend the days in fasting, devotion, and rememberance of Allah. Then, in the evening we throw a lavish iftar meal to break our fast. Usually every night of the week is spent at a different house. What happens at these iftars? Well, on the women’s side it is usually gossiping, backbiting, and sometimes down right slander. Often you will find little to no rememberance of Allah at these gatherings. We all compete to see who can make the most intricate dishes and look down on the households who have less to offer. How many of us actually invite the needy Muslims to our iftars? How many of us even send food to the masjid for the needy muslims in our area? Not many. Instead we invite only those we deem as our friends or those up the ladder in the community in an effort to wow them. Next time, you are in these situations,Reflect on these words from Allah (swt) and the Prophet (Saw):

“Not a word does he (or she) utter, but there is a watcher by him ready (to record it).” (50:18)

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “Those people who leave a gathering in which they have not remembered Allah, will conclude it as if it has foul odour similar to that of a rotten carcass of a donkey. And it will be a cause of grief to them.”
[Abu Dawud].

“Allaah does not look at the outward appearance or wealth of any one of you, but He looks at your hearts and deeds.” (Narrated by Muslim from the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah).

Sahl bin Sa`d As-Sa`idi (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: A man passed by the Prophet (PBUH), so he asked a man who was sitting near him, “What is your opinion about this man?” That man replied: “He is one of the noblest men. By Allah he is certainly a proper person for (a girl) being given in marriage if he seeks to marry, and his recommendation is fit to be accepted if he recommends”. Messenger of Allah (PBUH) remained silent. Then another man passed. Messenger of Allah (PBUH) enquired, “What is your opinion about this man?” He replied: “O Messenger of Allah, he is one of the poor Muslims. He is not a proper person (for a girl) to be given in marriage to, and his recommendation would not be accepted if he makes one; if he speaks, he is not to be listened to.” Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “He is better than the former by earthfuls”.
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

“And they give food, in spite of their love for it (or for the love of Him), to the Miskeen (the poor), the orphan, and the captive(English translation Qur’an,76:8)

As mothers, we are in a constant bragging competition about our children. My child can do this. Oh my goodness, your child can not do that yet! wow! My son did that months ago! What you don’t breastfeed? Oh how horrible! You are satisfied with the number of kids you have? Well, as for me i want a houseful. This is completely ridiculous. Not only are you bragging but you are also making another sister feel bad. In my opinion, the only people who indulge in this type of talk are insecure about their own children and choices. As parents, we all want the best for our children. Though, we don’t always know what that is. So, we are constantly trying to compare and think we have a victory when our child reaches a milestone before another child his/her age. This bragging and comparing seems to give women the validation they crave in order to feel they are doing a good job raising their children.

It is narrated on the authority of Abu Shuraih al-Khuzai’ that the Prophet (may peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) observed: He who believes in Allah and the Last Day should do good to his neighbour and he who believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to the guest and he who believes in Allah and the Last Day should either speak good or better remain silent. (Muslim, Book #001, Hadith #0078)

In our race to prove who is the most pious, we often get no rewards at all. You see, it all comes back to the intention:Narrated ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab: I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, “The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended. So whoever emigrated for worldly benefits or for a woman to marry, his emigration was for what he emigrated for.” (Bukhari, Book #1, Hadith #1)

A woman may pray quickly at home remembering Allah little, though when she’s in the masjid she will take her time and sit and do the dhikr and read Qur’an so that everyone will see how pious she is. Similarly, one may not dress islamically, though, when they go to the masjid they will put on the full garb. Some Muslims strive to be teachers of Islam simply to get the recognition. Our Beloved Prophet (saw) said about these people:Jundub (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (PBUH) said, “He who so acts to show off, Allah will disgrace him on the Day of Resurrection, and he who does good deeds so that people (may hold him in high esteem), Allah will expose his hidden evil intentions before the people on the Day of Resurrection.”
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

If you are seeking knowledge to show up other muslims and say you have knowledge then this is of no benefit.Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah(PBUH) said, “He who does not acquire knowledge with the sole intention of seeking the Pleasure of Allah but for worldly gain, will not smell the fragrance of Jannah on the Day of Resurrection.”
[Abu Dawud].

As for beauty the Prophet (saw) said:Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. (Bukhari, Book #62, Hadith #27)

‘A’isha, the wife of Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him), reported Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective. (Muslim#6274)

Let’s Remember these hadiths and pass them on to our families and friends:It is attested on the authority of Anas b. Malik that the Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) observed: one amongst you believes (truly) till one likes for his brother or for his neighbour that which he loves for himself. (Muslim,Book #001, Hadith #0072)

Narrated Abu Musa: The Prophet said, “A faithful believer to a faithful believer is like the bricks of a wall, enforcing each other.” While (saying that) the Prophet clasped his hands, by interlacing his fingers. (Bukhari, Book #8, Hadith #468)

So, Instead of tearing each other down, let’s reinforce one another. The whole world seems to be coming at Muslim women from all sides trying convince us we are opressed and turn us back from Islam. We need to put aside our petty ways and come together and be strong Muslimahs. Because the greatest weapon we have against the Shaytan (devil, Iblees) is each other.I advise myself first. Any truth here is from Allah and any mistakes are from myself and Shaytan.

It basically tells of an instance in a small white majority Louisiana town. In a nut shell, some white students hung three nooses on a tree(which is a felony that carries prision time) in which it was known that the African American students congregated around . They were sentenced by the principal to three days of in school suspension. Fast forward, a fight broke out in the school. It is alleged that six African American students attacked a white student while he was coming out of a locker room. He had allegedly been a friend of the boys who hung the nooses on the tree. The boy ended up in the hospital with non life threatening injuries. Now those five African American students are charged with attempted murder and could face up to 100 years in prision, one of the six got his charges reduced. This appears to come in a long line of similar incidences in this county and throughout the southern United States. Which you can read in the article.

As Muslims, we are taught that Islam abolished racism. People were no longer defined by what they had or where they came from but by the taqwa (fear of Allah, piety) in their hearts.

The Prophet(saw) said: “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over a white-except by piety and good action.(Saheeh Bukhari, Vol.7, Ch.3)

O mankind! We (God Almighty) created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things). (English interpretaion of the Qur’an 49:13)

Hajj is an excellent example of this. People from every corner of the earth and every station in life travel to Mecca, wearing the same clothes, going through all the same actions. The prayer is another example. We all pray shoulder to shoulder no matter our wealth, color, or background.So, anyway, this brings me to the Questions of the Day…….

Do you think this instance is race related?

Do you think that the color of a person’s skin still makes a difference in his or her treatment today?

Do you think racism is still prominent in the Muslim community even though Islam speaks against it so clearly?

Do you think it is possible to eliminate racism and if so, do you have any ideas on how it can be done?

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