Radically Recut 'Wolverine' to Be Released

20th Century Fox has issued a press release stating that it plans to drastically "re-calibrate" the narrative of Gavin Hood's Tsotsi follow-up, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, while still maintaining its scheduled opening in theaters everywhere on May 1st.

"Look," said CEO Tom Rothman in a prepared statement, "[expletive] those weaselly little mother[expletive]ers that couldn't hold onto their [expletive]ing horses to see this film and pay to do so. This is our way of sticking it to the so-called 'fans' who managed to show up for three of these flicks and purported to be willing to show up for this one, even though the last one was a total piece of [expletive]."

Directing duties on the new footage have been split between three helmers: actor Liev Schreiber has reportedly filmed a nineteen-minute tracking shot that has each and every member of the project's cast and crew extending their middle fingers towards the camera (save for Ryan Reynolds, already occupied by preparations on Julie Taymor's The Proposal: The Musical).