“Sex Really” Ad is Misandry. Stop The Man Hate

I wanted to write about orgasms today. I hoped to finally post the orgasm advice article that’s been sitting in my post queue for two weeks. But the net is aflutter with more pressing things than pleasurable chemically induced sensations. (Still want to read about orgasms? OK, here you go.)

The video is pure misandry. (The organization is not, though.) Yeah, the guys in the video spit disrespectful words about women, but the message is that men are assholes. And not in some sly way. The end tagline is literally: “Guys are a@#$%^&. Be Safe. Every time.”

What’s interesting about the collective female ire is that similar messages have generated relatively little discussion. Anyone remember the Trojan Evolve Ad campaign?

The underlying point is well taken: men uninterested in using protection are pigs. But all men? I understand the ad would be less dramatic if the bar wasn’t filled with pigs, but the idea of men as inherent, selfish jerks is so culturally embedded that few people noticed. I searched around on female-written blogs and the only mentionsfail to address the misandry. A post on Writing Evolution touches on the bias, one guy on Myspace felt pretty pissed, and Tracy Clark-Flory, one of the writers discussing the Sex Really ad this week, called the Trojan ad out on Salon.

(The sex-drive gender bias in advertisement nothing new, especially in condom ads. Men only want sex because the little head controls the big one, right? For more on this, check my review of sexism in a series of French condom PSAs.)

What gives feminist women? Why do we say so little on this topic yet espouse ideals of gender equality? Sometimes I feel like we train our lenses so hard on women’s issues that we stop caring about larger issues of gender. Or that we want someplace to direct our anger and so we displace it on guys.

Men feel the sting. This is probably why the awful Dodge Charger Superbowl ad rang true with so many men.

Yes, the ad is dumb. But many, many guys resonated with the frustrations voiced over blank stares. I think some men (I don’t know how many, we need a poll on this) feel attacked and unsettled by shifting gender relations. Many men are losing their jobs, falling back in the educational race and seeing images of themselves as oafish, incompetent idiots. Especially post-marriage.

You haven’t seen this? Take it away Sarah Haskins:

None of this is meant to belittle the adversity faced by women. We’re still arguing over rights to our own bodies. We still earn unequal pay. We still suffer from shitty body image and awful anxieties about our sexuality. And in the post-women’s rights movement era it sometimes feels like all we gained was a new set of expectations on top of the old. (Imagine life in a country that hasn’t made progress in women’s rights.) Natalie Kuhn‘s response to the Dodge Superbowl ad pretty much sums it up:

There is a burgeoning movement against misandry. One website called Fathers and Husbands seeks to encourage boys to grow into solid male figures and strive for “male excellence” by providing positive representations of men in media. Another site called Misandry News collects news bits from around the internet and offers support forums and resources for men. Overall, pretty positive.

But a site connected to Misandry News, called Antimisandry, is filled with unapologetic feminism bashing. In the same way some feminist blame female inequality on an outside group (guys), Antimisandry points the finger at feminism. I’m seeing some parallels here.

Stop the hate, in bothdirections. If we want to stand for gender equality, we have to fight for equality for all genders. We must ally ourselves with other humanist gender-focused groups. Be sympathetic with each other and learn to differentiate between harmful gender norms (sex-driven Neanderthals parading as men) and neutral gender norms like gender associated colors or clothing. (Putting a baby girl in a pink frilly outfit will not scar her for life. Make-up is fun not inherently oppressive.)

At the Sex Tech Conference where Sex Really presented, one of the youth presenters told us that we must “talk with kids about sex, not at them.” Maybe we should take a cue with gender relations. Talk with each other, not at each other.

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39 thoughts on ““Sex Really” Ad is Misandry. Stop The Man Hate”

Mysandry has been pandemic since television shows played into the “All men are knuckle dragging dunces” theme. From that came the epidemic that wasn’t, as in domestic violence and men are always the perpetrators, and women never lie about it.

There are some very good reasons that more and more men simply do not trust women, and that, is something that is instinctual in most men. I think that is sad.

For the Equality in pay side of things, in the Computer Games Industry, women earn more than men.

There is a lot to be said for equality, but here in the UK, men aren’t getting any, and the women are gaining more rights than men have ever had, and furthermore, the attack on figure and weight in the “Women’s Last Stand” seems to forget the ever increasing barrage on the male body to the extent that pec implants for men is the fastest growing cosmetic surgery procedure for men in the UK.

Not only that, but you get to shave your legs without getting funny looks, wear more than three designs of top and have many other advantages that men don’t get a shot at (multiple orgasms anyone?).

I’m not saying that men have it hard, or that women have it easy, I’m just saying that for every area that women feel they are loosing on, men are loosing out on something else – it can be as little as the loss of “men’s only” clubs or the fact that in the UK divorced fathers have little to no custody rights even against less than fit mothers. It’s all a big collection of swings and roundabouts.

With that one, small sentence you immediately belittle any man who identifies with the ad. Immediately putting any man coming into the discussion on the defensive. How do you expect to have any honest and open discussion if you can’t keep yourself from demeaning men.

“None of this is meant to belittle the adversity faced by women. We’re still arguing over rights to our own bodies. We still earn unequal pay. We still suffer from shitty body image and awful anxieties about our sexuality.”

As if men don’t face the same problems. There are many fields in which women earn more than men. And men suffer from shitty body image and awful anxieties about our sexuality too. It’s not a problem unique to women, it’s a problem shared among all human beings. Yet you approach your argument like this is a women-only problem. It’s not.

“And in the post-women’s rights movement era it sometimes feels like all we gained was a new set of expectations on top of the old. (Imagine life in a country that hasn’t made progress in women’s rights.) Natalie Kuhn’s response to the Dodge Superbowl ad pretty much sums it up:”

And now you build-up the meaningfulness of an ad which parodies and belittles the previous male-oriented Dodge ad that you started off belittling in the first place. For an article trying to approach the issue of misandry, the irony of your own misandry is too overwhelming to take it seriously.

They’re suggesting man’s last stand is to drive a truck. That’s a pretty dumb placement of priorities. I will belittle any person whose main priority in life is driving a truck instead of pursing kindness, creating something of merit and engaging in meaningful relationships in the world. Ain’t nothing to do with gender.

The incredibly sad fact is you didn’t even watch the commercial. They were advertising a car, not a truck. Dodge has been pushing the “real men drive Dodges” meme for several years now, so I can understand the confusion.

I, for one, am glad someone – anyone – is pointing out the obvious here. These ads are absolutely horrible and the ‘doofy husband/asshole male’ theme is still free territory in commercials whereas other obvious stereotypes have been taboo for a long time.

A little sadder, is that it takes a woman to point this stuff out in order for it to be taken seriously. I find when I point this stuff out, I always end up hearing my dad in the back of my mind saying ‘suck it up’ or finding myself in a ‘who has it worse’ argument with a female. I’ve met my share of female pigs in a bar (the kind that’ll get men to buy them drinks and then take off or brag about all the dumb-ass males they flirt with on their blog) to go along with those males. There’s no need to stereotype either way.

I feel like people are making a major mistake by conflating relationship issues and cultural gender issues here.

If you’ve got relationship issues, well just find a man who is more respectful of women. Love never changed anyone.

If you’re experiencing immediate cultural gender issues, say in the office, well take a step back, evaluate them, and communicate them clearly to your boss. A short polite one page well though out written letter will move your concerns into a professional relation’s consciousness.

If you’re concerned about unequal pay, you might consider about moving into a profession where productivity is measured more objectively. African Americans have succeeded brilliantly in sports largely because sports has perfectly objective performance metrics.

Academia has perhaps the least objective performance metrics. Yes, the sheer scale of variation in academia lets truly exceptional people succeed, but you’re probably not brilliant enough to benefit, so avoid it.

While I do agree that men get the short end of the stick in some ways — though I wonder who writes and produces those shows that make men look like idiots… I’m thinking other men? — that commercial just reeks of “Wah wah I have responsibilities, why can’t I just hit stuff and drive fast all day?” Once upon a time, being masculine meant doing what it took to support a family and stepping up to the plate when a problem arose. Now, apparently, being things like working and taking care of a family are emasculating and guys need a fast car to make up for the fact that all the women are forcing them to have jobs.

All that other stuff? Watching vampire shows and being “forced” to do X, Y, and Z? When guys complain about that sort of stuff, all I can say is, huh, maybe you picked the wrong woman? There are plenty of chicks out there who love sports, cars, and all the other stuff traditionally thought of us for men only. (Not to mention guys who don’t care about any of it.) There’s no need to compromise oneself entirely for a piece of ass, and those who do have no one but themselves to blame.

I feel like the response video ought to have been something like “I get up, nurse the baby, get up, nurse the baby again, make your lunch, make my own lunch, go to work, get called out of work to pick up sick baby from daycare, make dinner, clean up dinner, straighten the house, placate your mother, etc.” Then the woman’s last stand could be getting really drunk.

Hell, everyone’s last stand could be getting really drunk since our lives apparently suck so bad since we’re all getting oppressed by everyone else all the time. I swear, it’s getting so men and women alike do nothing but complain about not getting their due.

Thank you. Really. This is getting out of hand. Why is it that reverse bigotry is suddenly the answer to bigotry of the past and present?

One thing I was thinking about though…

“…neutral gender norms like gender associated colors or clothing. (Putting a baby girl in a pink frilly outfit will not scar her for life. Make-up is fun not inherently oppressive.)”

I don’t entirely agree. I mean, it’s not child abuse, but basically by doing these things you’re telling your kid that if they don’t adhere to the narrow gender norms you have pre-defined for them SINCE BIRTH, they are freaks.

And if your little girl happens to like pink and playing with make-up, great. But surely you of all people have seen and read about how inflexible and down-right hateful parents can be if their child expresses a non-conforming gender preference.

I spent years fighting one of my parents against it. Fortunately the other accepted me as I was, and had always been.

But it meant growing up with one telling me “you’re a freak for thinking/dressing/acting like that and no one will ever love” and the other saying it was ok. That’s really confusing when you’re 8 years old, and yes, would even go as far as to say it’s oppressive, and maybe even a little bit scarring.

I’ve always been considered a head-strong “do my own thing” kind of person, but it took me years to really get over the negative and hurtful messages I got from my own parent when I stepped outside the “pink and fuzzy” stereotype, not to mention my peers and even my teachers.

And that’s not particularly uncommon. Stuff like my experience, or much worse, is all over the place.

Fine, these narrow gender norms aren’t a bit deal if you happen to fit into them, or simply give in to pressure and conform. But if you don’t, you spend your childhood, and sometimes much of your adulthood, with an albatross around your neck.

I really enjoyed your post. And I really enjoyed that it chimed right in with a conversation I have been having with some friends over a several days period. (Don’t you just love those?) It’s a mixed group, but I am the only single female. There has been some really good communication between the men and the women in the group. It prompted me to help with your dissertation, if it helps at all, I will be glad. Thanks for fighting the good fight. If we can start to see each other as people, rather than strictly defined sex roles, the world is going to be a much better place.

Please understand the difference between what antimisandry.com does and what feminism does.

Antifeminism.com puts up feminism (a theory which many young adults are indoctrinated with through their academic establishments) against the spot light and points to the blatant misandry it has promoted.

Feminism, on the other hand, blames men (half the planet’s population) based on feminist theory which is generally not peer reviewed).

Do you see the difference?

One attacks an entire sex of our species, the other attacks a minority of hateful individuals who blame everything on men.

*Edited to add: My apologies. My brain is tired from thesis madness. I meant to quote this part of your response: “Feminism, on the other hand, blames men”

Some feminists engage in manbashing and misandry, kind of like some Christians engage in some horrific hate speech. I think it’s wrong to point blame and hate people like that and worse when it warps public opinion about a large divergent belief system.

Feminism, at least any aspect of it that subscribes to Patriarchy Theory(tm) quite literally IS codified man-hate. There is not, nor has there ever been a time when “men” ran the world.

RICH PEOPLE run the world.

It’s the intractable unwillingness of Feminists (and frankly, women) to notice that men exist in the underclass too…and in FAR greater numbers than women.

Your awareness of Mens Issues is facile at best, and if you claim to be concerned with ALL “gender issues”, why no mention of the fact men have NO reproductive rights at all? You are a sex educator after all…do you make sure to drill this fact into young men’s heads?

They have NO rights, her decision will affect their entire lives, and no matter how unfair things seem, the Government will take their money and JAIL them if they don’t “support the mother in her decision”?

That’s just one small aspect of the egregious destruction of men’s human rights, done in the name of “women”, as instigated by Feminists.

I love how you all seem to think we’re “misguided” somehow about Feminism…you should check into the history of the MRM…we started out thinking you guys were natural allies…FEMINISTS made sure to oppose us in every regard…

Feminists, for example, take SERIOUS umbrage at the idea that, while they were gleefully chipping away at “male” areas, they’ve done everything they can to secure traditionally female spheres of influence…. Up to and including the persistent, deliberate demonization of men and maleness..(DV industry anyone???)

Or, do you think several million people are all “mistaken” about Feminism….for no reason, of course…?

Feminism does not blame anyone for anything. Feminism is nothing more, and nothing less, than a believe in equality between the sexes.

If individual people who associate with feminism fail to champion men’s right along with women’s, then that is their individual failure – not a failure of feminism.

And you’re just as bad as you think “feminism” is. You’re lumping an entire group of people together when, in reality, what you SHOULD be focusing on is individuals.

The writer of this blog is a woman, and a feminist, and she’s here defending men’s rights along with women’s. So right there, your total attack on feminism is proven to be baseless. I’m also a feminist, and I have written about men’s rights issues on a few occasions in my blog.

All that sites like Antifeminism.com do is promote more hate, rather than promoting equality or honest discussion.

And tell me, how is that different from man-hating “feminists” (I don’t consider women like that to be feminist – just another type of sexist)?

It’s useless and unproductive. If you want to fix a problem, you have to engage in real discussion, rather than grouping off and creating more hate.

The problem I have with “helpful” Feminists who think they’re “focussing on men’s issues too” is actually pretty simple…

You guys don’t care about the same things we do….

You want Us to “break Gender norms”, we want to have equal parental rights.
You want Men to “Deconstruct” masculinity (something the VAST majority of men think has been happening for the last 5 decades already), men just want equal rights, opportunities, and Education.

Take the worst storyline Patriarchy Theory tells you women had to live back in the day, make a cartoon out of it that greatly distorts everything and then flip the sexes…

When equality benefits men, feminist groups have demanded to retain inequality to favor women over men. Yet when equality benefits women, feminist groups are all for it. That is not true equality, it is selective equality.

Feminist studies certainly seem to be agenda driven to blame men. How many studies by feminist groups actually highlight that women are responsible for anything? Now compare that number (if above zero) and compare it against the vast volumes of feminist studies that blame men (or absolve women of any blame/responsibility).

Let’s look at the wage gap as an example. Instead of acknowledging that women make some choices which ultimately affect their wage (men typically work 3hrs a week more than women, women tend to take more sick time and holidays for example) – it simply claims “ooh it’s discrimination – boo hoo teh evul menz am oppressivating meh!”

Men are SICK of being blamed for women’s own choices – if you want women to get equality – focus on getting them to take on the hazardous jobs and so on – don’t just blame men.

Feminist groups have demanded a ‘man tax’, others have demanded women’s prisons be closed and converted to mens prisons. No feminist group has ever demanded women close the ‘punishment gap’ which sees men & women receiving very different sentences for identical crimes. Yet, I have seen feminist groups claiming women deserve privileges.

I cannot continue this conversation when one side refuses to listen and is instead just using my post as a fodder for self-righteousness.

Feminism is not a hegemonic school of thought. Why do so many people refuse to get that? It’s like me thinking “truck” when I see a Dodge logo even though my eyes see a car. People have it so embedded in their minds that feminism = anti-man that no amount of discussion can change that.

“Well as long as women earn 23% less than men for the same work, I won’t mind any discrimination against men”

I don’t even have to search through this post to be certain that that has come up here too.
It’s always held in our faces with a “look at what you’ve done” tone, as if we could or even should change women’s lifestyle choices.
Women have the choice to work less and earn less if they want. In that respect they have MORE choice than men. If anything, the pay-gap is perhaps indicative of discrimination against men – not at last because men are the main tax payers – while women are the main consuming spenders (obviously with mostly men’s money).

You’re judging anti-misandry in a manner that, to me, seems unfair. It is not a website with unified content or a single message; it is a forum open to all participants. Those participants, naturally, vary a great deal in regards to their outlook, attitude and education. You could join it tomorrow and attempt to change the nature of the discourse, nobody would stop you, challenge those presumptions which you think are untoward, etc. That’s all I’m going to say; that it is an open-forum made up of a collection of individuals, and its tone and content are subject to change and shift. Please do not judge it in the manner you would use to categorize or grade a unified web page with stated goals, ideology, etc. Operating simply as a zone in which there is absolute freedom of speech in regards to gender issues it is my belief that anti-misandry represents a valuable tool for learning about, discussing and gauging public opinion in regards to gender issues particularly from a certain perspective in regards to its current population but with unlimited room for expansion and refinement.

I wish to thank you, Sexademic for writing this post. It is an issue that man have difficulty opening up about — to complain is not manly, and nor is it to show feelings, etc. Nonsense, but that is the message we see, yes? I would reference Dar Williams song “When I was a boy” for a good example of a similar message: it is gender stereotypes and limitations that we must ultimately attack to gain real equity.

To the men who have attacked the blogger, I would ask you to recognize an important thing. Here is someone who is engaging on this issue, try and respect her effort. Unlike Dodge commercial she speaks honestly and does not try to manipulate the emotion. Also recognize source of our anger is not women or so nebulous and heterogeneous things as Feminism. I said earlier that man cannot complain or show emotion; except in one thing: anger and rebellion/attack. Is it possible that we are forced into attacking possible Allies because it is not socially acceptable for us to complain in other fashion? And who benefits? The same Corporations which emmasculates us in the beginning and profit by this “divide and conquer” strategy.

Thank you for this blog post, Jessi. I did a quick blog post of my own on the same subject after I saw a pretty offensive Norwegian ad at the movies yesterday and as I started writing, I got deeper into it. Your post came up as a resource and I used some of these videos to back up my reasoning.

I went to a women’s studies class last year, as part of a training workshop. For two hours over two weeks, I sat and listened to several feminist lecturers, espouse their ever escalating villification of all things male. Comments about men were overrun with snarky comments, rude asides and generally the tone was so hostile, one of the few men attending finally spoke up. I’m paraphrasing but this is what he essentially said. “The real difference between us is women want respect and equality. Men have to earn it. And we earn it by our merit, not by taking every chance to belittle the achievements of one gender just to focus on its flaws. Its not possible to have a discussion about gender relationships because built into feminist ideology is to say equality in theory but refuse to implement it in practice. Men are beginning to realize its a waste of time trying to have a serious discussion with feminist, when all men can expect is caustic dismissal and ridicule. You can teach your man-hating garbage all you want. Just remember, your right to do so came from a gender you dismiss.”
Hearing a man stand up to a feminist was extremely rewarding. He left the class and so did all the other men. The lecturers of course couldn’t resist making a snarky anti-male remark. As I stood to leave too, I told her, You just lost the one person who could have been your greatest ally. All you’ve taught him is another reason to be less empathetic to aims he can no longer take seriously. The lesson for men is, this: If all men can expect from any discussion is dismissal no matter what we say in our defense, why bother participating in the discussion?

“If all men can expect from any discussion is dismissal no matter what we say in our defense, why bother participating in the discussion?”

A surprising number of Feminists think men are so stupid and pussy-starved, that we will continue to put up with it, ad infinitum. In the words of Feminist Icon Valerie Solanas…

“Nice, clean‐living male women will be invited to the sessions to help clarify any doubts and misunderstandings they may have about the male sex; makers and promoters of sex books and movies, etc., who are hastening the day when all that will be shown on the screen will be Suck and Fuck (males, like the rats following the Pied Piper, will be lured by Pussy to their doom, will be overcome and submerged by and will eventually drown in the passive flesh that they are); drug pushers and advocates, who are hastening the dropping out of men.”

-SCUM Manifesto.

Any who doubt Valerie was anything other than a major architect of Feminist thinking that is STILL PREVALENT TODAY would do well to look at this book, and count all the ways that her “nutbar screed” has come true….

Those of us that oppose Feminism, do so because we DO understand it…not the reverse.

And although Feminists of every stripe insist they ‘don’t hate men’ and that Feminism is about equality, and that unjust stuff? Yeah, that was ‘those other Feminists’…somehow, NONE of them can point to a Feminist Organization of any power that actually, you know, stands up for men too…

Usually, the argument then is that men don’t have Gender-specific issues. Then, when THAT is undeniable, Feminists typically say that it’s up to men to change men’s situation (as if Feminists were never aided by men).

Then, when we do, Feminists complain they’re not regarded as positive to men, and object to our ‘tone’ (Please don’t beat me massa, they ain’t no DV services for men after all)…

Well, here’s a newsflash for ya…

If it looks like dogshit, smells like dogshit, and tastes like dogshit…it’s a good bet that it actually IS dogshit.

I think many of these ‘good’ feminists are just very naive about it. The thought process by which they conclude that feminism is for equality of the sexes goes something like this:

1) I’m for equality of the sexes and feel women need more equal treatment so I call myself a feminist.
2) I don’t hate men and wish them well so I’m not a man hater.
3) All I want is equality and that is what feminism means to me.
4) Hence, feminism is only about equality and not about man-hating.

Notice the fallacy in that deduction? It confuses what feminism means to THEM with what feminism represents as an ideology. When you attack feminism, they think you’re attacking THEIR interpretation of feminism whilst remaining oblivious to other more prominent interpretations of feminism.

Remember something everybody: Feminism is a political ideology. As such we should ALWAYS attack it and scrutinize it, regardless of what good or bad it does. That is what needs to be done with ALL ideologies anyway. If we don’t, then they take a life of their own (as has happened with feminism) and start doing a lot of harm, often unwittingly and often in with good intentions in the beginning.

If we look at feminist publications and political accomplishments, even the most naive and ignorant must see that feminism is at best, a very one sided and selective approach to equality and, at worst, a sexist, self indulgent hate movement that fills women with resentment (thus hindering them) and intentionally oppresses men.

Even the word ‘feminism’ is blatantly sexist. We need a new word, a new movement that isn’t tied to just one gender. Feminism is no longer acceptable in today’s times anymore than conscription, or chivalry or anything else so obviously sexist.

Yes. If feminism were for equality then I’d have never turned away from it.
People like me, who face gender discrimination in a non trivial way learn soon enough that most feminists are quite sexist when it comes to whom they might support.

Funny isn’t it? Just as a doctor has to treat patients in the order of the severity of their illnesses, shouldn’t a movement for equality start where sexual discrimination is most harmful?
Yet modern feminists not only find trivial things to complain about (I recently read an article that complained that we say “Mr and Mrs” instead of the other way round) but they even manufacture issues that have nothing to do with sexual discrimination such as DV or the pay gap,
Meanwhile, issues like conscription (in my country men have to do a year of service) are either ignored or even denied.
Yes, I know that there are some feminists here and there who are genuinely for equality. But they are so few and passive that I suspect that the percentage of genuine equality supporters among the non-feminist population is probably higher than among the pro-feminist population. If that is the case, then anyone who is for true equality should renounce feminism or at least harshly criticize it. Perhaps then we’ll see an improvement. But I see none of that. The “good” feminists pretty much never speak out against the sexist feminists. The best you ever get from them is something like “that isn’t what feminism is about and I don’t agree”. I can’t help but feel the good feminists don’t openly agree with the sexists but they also quietly don’t mind them being there to voice those hateful opinions of theirs.

That’s what it all boils down to really: Misandry is about women trying to feel good about themselves. Anything targeting a female audience now days must have a tad of misandry in it or it won’t sell. I know, men are misandrists too, but it is the female consumers who made it a commercial phenomenon.