Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Forgiving and Letting Go

As I write this week, I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive and let go. It has been a long 22 years and the pain is as raw as it was the day this happened to me. I have been reading a lot online and I have many books on adoption, but nothing is working for me. I cry when I read the stories, some are so horrific and sad that I don't know how they live day to day. Most of everything I have read says forgiveness is the answer to healing. But see, forgiving to me is telling the ones that did this thing to me, it's okay and that I am alright with what you did.

I am so not ready to forgive and let go. Everyday I think of what could of been and how our lives would of been different with our birthson. All I get from the my family members responsible for this is, "you can have a wonderful relationship with him now and be happy". That really just makes me mad when they say that to me. They have no idea what I go through and the worst part, they won't acknowledge it. I need for them to say they are sorry and acknowledge that pain and loss I have endured and still am going through. Tell me "I'm sorry I caused you all this pain".

See I am still the outsider in this situation. I can't just call my birthson and say, "Hey, I miss you and would like to see you and the baby, can you drop by", that will never happen. We tried that many times. But when the adoptive parents call him and say "bring the baby down so I can see her", they drop everything and go there. I know I sound selfish, but that is how I feel. But I love my birth son so much that I accept what it is and try to be understanding so that he doesn't feel he is hurting anyone's feelings.

It is just so hard to see him go to them (adoptive parents) at the drop of a hat while I have to wait a month sometimes longer to see him. It is painful and that is why forgiving and letting go is so hard for me. I get very upset when things like this happen. I immediately start thinking, if my family would not of done this to me, I would not feel this way and my son would be here with us.

Its hard feeling like the outsider, it is always going to be that way I know that. How do I get past something like this? How would you get past something like this? Accepting? forgiving? and how would you do this?

1 comment:

Lisa: Your story is so sad and your pain is so real. I'm glad you are able to acknowledge those things. I'm truly sorry for your loss and your hurt.

There have been times with my own family members that I just couldn't get past the past or the hurt. During those times I avoided them as much as I could in order to drill down with God and make it right.

Let me give you a visual and see if it helps. To me, forgiveness can be like a brick I'm carrying around with me. Sure, I go to God and lay it down before him and walk away, but I always end up picking that brick back up again.

It took me many years to forgive the birthfather, for example. Many years of going to God, laying it down, crying, begging, pleading for him to make it go away, only to pick up that brick and walk away with it again.

My point is that forgiveness is a process, a long one. Keep at it. Keep doing the next right thing. Trust in the Lord to provide grace and healing. I'm praying for you.

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About BirthMom Buds

BirthMom Buds is an organization and website that provides peer counseling, support, encouragement, and friendship to pregnant women considering adoption as well as women who have already placed children for adoption.