How many times have
you heard this phrase, only to be subjected to a coma-inducing monologue?
If you crave a yuk or two or even a juicy tidbit of gossip but are trapped
in the land of pity giggles or let-downs, you’re hanging out with
the wrong storytellers.

You need insiders
from the megayacht world.

The following tales
come from a few brave souls who were willing to share, albeit anonymously,
some of their most memorable experiences on the water. Some will bring
a smile to your face, while others will give you a peek into the near-scandals
that occur more than you might think. We’ve omitted the names of
the yachts and the people involved to protect the innocent (and, it
seems, the guilty).

Wet Behind the
Ears
A husband and wife running a boat in the Caribbean were short one stewardess
for an upcoming charter, so they called their 18-year-old niece in England
and had her fly across the pond to meet them. This was long before serving
as crew was considered a career, so the fact that the niece had never
been on a boat before didn’t seem to be a problem. As the wife
said, “It was casual in the good ol’ charter days.”

The niece, who looked
like Brooke Shields and went by the nickname “Lovey,” embraced
her first lesson: learning to skipper the 13-foot Boston Whaler tender.
Lovey spent all day with her uncle, the captain, cruising up to and
away from the shoreline, listening to him yell, “Don’t pull
up too far! You’ll hit the prop and bend it!” They practiced
for hours, she cruising awfully close to shallow ground and he shouting,
“Easy now, Lovey! Don’t bend the prop!”

In the morning, the
charter guests arrived, including a couple in their mid-60s. The woman
fancied herself a fitness buff and insisted that every morning at dawn,
a crew member be ready to take her ashore for her daily jog. She was
a demanding woman, to say the least, and the “request” was
one of many she had for the crew that first day.

The captain decided
she would be as good a first guest as any for his niece to take in the
tender.

Lovey arrived on the
aft deck the next morning to find the woman waiting—in a hot-pink
running suit, matching pink running shoes, and a cap with actual pink
flower petals attached. They climbed aboard, with Lovey eager to do
a good job. As they cruised closer to shore, though, she grew more and
more paranoid about bending the prop. Finally, in a fit of desperation,
she stopped short, looked at the petulant petunia, and commanded, “Get
out.”

What a shame the dropoff
was so sharp. The woman took one step and sank to her eyebrows.

Lovey did manage to
save the pink hat, but certainly not her tip for the week.