TRASHY TABLOID BS:• British tabloid “Mirror” reports that hip-hop super-couple Beyoncé & Jay-Z were to wed SATURDAY on the Caribbean island of Anguilla. As of this moment, there is no confirmation of whether or not that actually happened.
• “Daily Dish” says Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie have been given an unusual gift for completing the 2nd season of reality TV show “The Simple Life” – a pet cow. They reportedly showed up at the LA wrap party for the series with their new steer in tow.
• Scandal-plagued Brit couple David & Victoria Beckham have increased their wealth by a massive $27 million over the past year, despite allegations he’s had a couple of extramarital affairs. Their combined wealth has mushroomed to a whopping $117 million, according to the “Sunday Times” annual ‘Entertainment Rich List’. One sign he may have actually cheated – according to “Ananova”, he laid out over $1.5 million on a pink diamond ring as a 30th birthday gift for Victoria on the weekend.
• Perhaps looking for Beckham-sized publicity, 32-year-old Brit singer Dido (“White Flag”) is dating Leeds United soccer star Alan Smith, according to “News of the Word”. It’ll never work out – she’s reportedly an Arsenal fan.
• Famous OJ Simpson lawyer Johnnie Cochran (“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”) is recovering from an unknown ‘medical treatment’ at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in LA, but his people are denying rampant rumors that he had an operation for ‘brain cancer’.
• The X-rated movie industry in California’s San Fernando Valley is reeling after 2 performers have tested positive for HIV. “NY Post” reports that a total of 65 performers have now been ‘quarantined’ (from sexual contact) until the final results from HIV testing are revealed JUNE 8th.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:• Cameroon, traditionally among Africa’s best soccer teams, has been penalized by soccer governing body FIFA – for wearing body-suit uniforms. The team’s been fined $155,000, a punishment that could hurt its chances of qualifying for the next World Cup.
• US troops trying to flush out Sunni Muslim gunmen in Fallujah, Iraq are blasting heavy metal rock music like AC/DC at full volume, along with insults shouted in Arabic including – “You shoot like a goat herder!”
• Elite troops from Britain’s Royal Marines, who normally operate behind enemy lines gathering intelligence, have been deployed in ‘Operation Artemis’ to – protect an endangered bird species in Scotland. The crack troops will watch over Hen Harrier nests, protecting them against poachers and egg thieves.
• Ontario Provincial Police have charged a 54-year-old man with careless driving after pulling him over LAST WEEK cruising into Toronto on Highway 400 – while playing his violin. He says he was warming up for a concert. (“How do you get to Massey Hall?” “Practice!”)
• An entrepreneur on the Isle of Wight who’s fed up with the exorbitant prices British dentists charge is planning to ship people to France for cheaper dental work on what he’s calling ‘The Tooth Ferry’.
• Swedish customs officers in Stockholm became suspicious when a woman in line kept scratching her chest. When she was detained, they discovered she was attempting to smuggle in 75 live snakes – in her bra.

JUICE BOX WITH A PEEL:Indian scientists have discovered a cheap and simple method to extract juice from bananas, something that previously had food manufacturers stymied. They hope the breakthrough will lead to retail sales of banana nectar, banana wine and banana juice. (They already have that – kids’ flavored penicillin … yuck!)
– Agence France-Presse

BOSS OF THE DAY:CEO John Hui recently made a $129-million profit by selling his California computer company E-Machines to Gateway Computer, so he’s decided to share the wealth by giving out – $72-million-worth of bonuses to former employees! Staffers will get anywhere from thousands to hundreds of thousands – plus a job with Gateway.
– “LA Times”

ALMANAC FACTS:• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
– “2004 Blum’s Farmer’s & Planter’s Almanac”
• Dr Seuss’ book “Green Eggs and Ham” contains only 50 words.
– “2004 Harris’ Farmer’s Almanac”
• The blood of lobsters is blue.
– “2004 Almanac For Farmers & City Folk”
• Hawaii and Alaska are the only 2 US states whose temperatures have never exceeded 100 degrees.
– “2004 New Millennium Farmers Almanac”

FOR THE RECORD:• A limousine company based in Mexico has created what is likely the world’s longest limo, converted from – a Boeing 727 airliner! At 18 meters (60 ft) long and 3.9 meters (13 ft) high, the
diesel-powered vehicle will be able to transport 50 passengers at up to 200 km/hr (120 mph). The conversion involved removing the plane’s wings and outfitting the interior with neon strobe lights, audio and video systems for its dance club, bar and lounge. It will be ready for rental in MAY at $500 per hour, 3-hour minimum. (Actually the limo stays parked. By the time you walk from one end to the other, you’ve arrived where you’re going!)
• 33-year-old Leonid Stadnik, a veterinarian in the village of Podoliantsi, Ukraine is thought to be the world’s tallest man. He stands 2.53 meters (8 ft, 4 ins) tall, and his hand is 31 cm (12 ins) long. Here’s the amazing thing – he’s still growing! (You know what they say about a guy with big hands.)

TODAY is “Garlic Day”, saluting the ‘stinking rose’ that has been cultivated as long as history has been recorded. A few stinky facts …
• Over 5,000 years ago, Chinese herbalists used garlic to reduce blood pressure.
• In Medieval times, it was believed that garlic worn as a necklace would stop your soul from leaving your body.
• Spraying yourself with garlic oil will repel mosquitoes.
• It’s said that if you rub a clove on garlic on your partner’s feet at night, you’ll taste it on his or her breath the next morning.

TODAY the 10th annual “TV-Turnoff Week” begins, when we’re encouraged to trade-out tube time for more worthwhile family activities (we tried it last year and spent the entire week talking about all the shows we were missing). This Website lists lots of alternative activities …
NET: http://www.tvturnoff.org

1960 [44] Major League Baseball uniforms 1st display players’ names on back (the 1st one says ‘SAMPLE’)

2001 [03] Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield lifts off on Space Shuttle mission to deliver the ‘Space Station Remote Manipulator System’ (SSRMS), Canada’s 1st contribution to the International Space Station (he later becomes 1st Canadian to walk in space)

AND REMEMBER . . .[Tues] Astronomy Day
[Wed] Administrative Professionals Day
[Wed] Kindergarten Day
[Thurs] Earth Day
[Thurs] National Jelly Bean Day
[Fri] World Lab Animal Day

• Before his breakout role in “Thelma and Louise”, he appeared in a 1988 ad for ‘Pringles’.
a. Brad Pitt [CORRECT]
b. Michael Manson
c. Harvey Kietel

• Before fame as an actor, Russel Crowe was the lead singer of the band Roman Antix and called himself.
a. Russell Leaf
b. Russ Le Roq [CORRECT]
c. Crowbar

BS PHONE STARTER:• “Which TV personality do you hate most?” (Tom Bergeron on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” springs immediately to mind.)
• “What are the most important characteristics in a partner?” (61% of men surveyed for “Details” magazine say ‘someone you can talk to’. ‘Honesty’ and ‘a sense of humor’ also rate high.)
• Get a kid on the line and see what he can name more of – Canadian Prime Ministers or brands of beer.

BS BLATANT JOKES:• The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
• I hate to admit it, but I am to gardening what Madonna is to theology.
• Seventeen people die on the job every day! That’s bad news … unless, of course, you’re looking for a job.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:Today’s Question: The average man can only endure THIS for 72 minutes.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shopping.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the person who will get all the blame.