Rinatta Paries: How to Have Happy Holidays

Here come the holidays. How
are they going to be for you this year? Will you end up stressed, tired,
and overextended, emotionally and financially? Or will you end the
holidays and start the new year joyful, rested, relaxed, fulfilled, and
happy? Will you spend the holidays bemoaning the fact that you are
single or that your relationship is not working, or will you use the
holidays to improve your relationship situation?

Here is my advice for a sweet, calm, nourishing holiday season, for both
singles and people in relationships.

It's not going to be perfect
I've known people who can pull off the perfect holiday season and enjoy
every minute of it. They give just the right gifts, always wrapped with
precision. They throw just the right holiday dinners and cocktail
parties, always looking just right. They mingle and celebrate and still
have plenty of energy left for everything else in their lives.

If you are like this and are able to do all or any of the above happily,
without causing you or your loved ones stress, congratulations.

I think most of us, however, try to live up to this image of perfection
during the holiday season and either fail or end up miserable and
stressed.

Why does our gift-giving list have to be huge? Why do we have to
overextend ourselves emotionally and financially? Why do we have to
rush, stay busy, and not enjoy the moment?

The answers are many. Some of us do this mad holiday scramble because we
feel we have to. Others have to deal with family expectations, imagined
or real. Others feel this is the way it's supposed to be, as if there is
a certain image to live up to during the holidays.

If you want to feel differently this holiday season, create a different
experience, act differently. Simply stop trying to make it perfect.

What to scratch off your "to-do" list
Reduce or eliminate your gift-giving list, and even your card-sending
list. Depending on how much simplification your life needs right now,
perhaps simply calling people is enough of a holiday greeting.

If you are going to give gifts, choose simple, meaningful, and
thoughtful gifts: one great book, one thoughtfully selected scarf, or
one special toy. It will be enough.

Simplify your entertaining list. Host intimate pot luck at your place or
celebrate in a restaurant. Even Thanksgiving dinner can be done at a
restaurant—and it doesn't have to be turkey and stuffing, unless that's
what you want.

If you are invited to countless events this season, be selective about
which ones you choose to attend. It's even ok to cancel or only go for a
short time. Basically, eliminate stress in any way possible so that you
have energy, time, and room to enjoy this time of the year.

Take time
It's winter for many of us. It's cold. Even if you're in a warmer climate, the
evenings have a chill to them. If you listen to your body, you may feel the
need to draw in, to take time, to rest, to expand less energy. This is one
reason the holiday season can be so very stressful—it goes against what our
body and spirit naturally want this time of year. Many of us crave warmth and
rest. So rest and take time, warm your body and soul, whatever that may mean
for you.

Think of this as the germination period for the next year. How do you want the
next year to be and how are you going to make it happen? This is your time to
gather energy.

Make peace with what you have
It is difficult at times to be happy when others have what we want and we are
left wanting. It is difficult to watch couples in love when your relationship
is not working well, or if you are single and don't want to be. It is
difficult to see others spend money if you have none or are struggling..

Yet making peace with how things are right now is one step toward having what
you want in the future. Making peace with unfulfilled desires is not the same
as giving up on your dream or surrendering to never having it fulfilled. It is
simply a way of having peace now—one of the greatest gifts you can give
yourself. This is not the same as denial. Peace is acceptance, a fundamental
way of embracing reality as it is right now. Peace frees you up to take action
to cause different results in the future.

How do you make peace with not having what you want? Watch for anger, pain, or
envy arise inside you. Then talk to yourself, listen, and take action. Say,
"yes, I do not have what I want, for whatever reason, and I accept this for
right now." Say, "yes, it hurts/makes me angry/makes me envious." Say, "I
surrender to this moment right now and I choose peace over hurt/anger/envy."

Cultivate gratitude
I have said this before and it still remains to be one of the more powerful
tools in my arsenal of dealing with unhappiness. Our circumstances often
cannot be changed quickly enough to satisfy us. Yet, our attitude can be
changed almost instantaneously, and can remain changed, which helps to change
our circumstances over time.

This holiday season, work on gratitude for what you have—in relationships, in
love, in material possessions, in family, in community, in things that nourish
and sustain you.

Be with people who love you
For those of us in relationships and with families, the advice is simple. If
things are going well, nourish your relationships during this time so they may
be even better. If things are not going so well, this is the time to use the
utmost care to improve your relationships, and to give and draw nourishment
from them. There are many tools to do this. Talk, listen, forgive, surrender,
get help, read, write, go to church or synagogue, etc.

For those who are single and especially for those with no community, this is
the time to reach out to groups of like-minded people. If you could find a
group of like-minded people, what would be the topic or idea or cause or hobby
they would be gathered about? Would it be reading, or sports, or movies, or
personal growth, or spirituality?

Whatever the topic maybe, find this group of people. And as terrifying as it
may be, go be with them. You will be amazed at how welcoming they will be,
especially at this time of the year.
Happy, peaceful holidays to you!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

-------------------------------------------------------------------(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2003. Do you know how to
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