Belle Taylor: Why being too nice to newbies can come back to bite you

This problem is a little petty but it has been bothering me so I thought I would get your take on it. I volunteer with a small community group that meets weekly. We meet at a community hall that has tea and coffee-making facilities. A few weeks ago, two new women joined the group. Out of politeness, I asked if I could make them a drink as I was making myself a cup of tea anyway, and they said yes. Now, every week, they give me their drinks orders as if I am the tea lady! They never offer to fix me one, they just expect me to make them a cuppa. How do I politely tell them they can get their own damn drink?

Sincerely, Not the Tea Lady.

These newbies to your group are doing the community centre equivalent of bowing out on their round at the bar. A most egregious sin, I am sure we can all agree.

Your aunt suspects you suffer from that most awful of maladies: extreme politeness. If you stop being so darn nice to everyone you might be surprised at just how many problems being not very nice can solve. Of course, being not very nice can also lead to a range of new problems, so maybe scrap that idea.

You can do a few things here. Number one: Get in first. Give these ladies a taste of their own medicine. Before they have the chance to ask you for a cup of tea, ask them to make you one instead. They can hardly refuse can they? And if they do, you can just go make your own drink without involving them at all.

Number two: when they ask you say: “Sure! But can you give me a hand?” This not only shares the load, but gets them involved in the process, showing them this tea-making business is not a one-way street.

Number three: Say, “Oh, I had a cuppa before I came today so I’m not making one.” Your aunt likes the pointed nature of this approach; however, it is a little immature to not have a cup of tea purely because you’re trying to avoid making one for someone else. But hey, sometimes petty problems require petty solutions.

Number four: Bring your tea in a flask and when they ask you say, “Oh no, I don’t drink the water here any more, my sister’s husband’s friend’s babysitter’s dog walker’s cousin works at the council and said the water in this area is contaminated. It’s a huge scandal, everyone is hushing it up. Do you live nearby?”

And remember, never go to the pub with these people. If this is what they are like at a community centre, one dreads to think what they would be like at the bar.