Introverted men are extremely attractive once they’ve developed a bit of confidence and a stronger introverted dating headspace. When an extrovert fakes introversion, it also falls flat.

Yeah, well how often does an extrovert feign introversion? It’s certainly not a widespread cultural phenomenon, but check this out:

Imagine an extroverted guy has a crush on a girl who’s also his friend, and that girl has a crush on a guy who’s mysterious, quiet, and incredibly appealing to her.

The extroverted friend looks at the introverted guy and may very well be like, “I should be like that guy. I should be quieter.”

Now he’d be just as mistaken as introverts trying to be extroverts, because guess what? If being a certain way feels “off”, then this is what’s happening:

You’ve not yet figured out what’s great about YOU and haven’t tapped into that yet.

You’re not the only one.

The first step is often recognizing that you’re not alone in trying to make pickup-artist advice work for you.

It simply does NOT work well as dating advice for introverts.

Whether in a social situation, messaging on Tinder, or in your first date, introverts need time to get comfortable connecting human being to human being.

It’s just not a fit to try and be someone you’re not.

Just like our extroverted friend above who had a crush on the girl who prefers introverts, many people feel they have to pretend in order to succeed, and that they’re alone in that sad fate.

No! Neither do you have to change fundamentally, nor are you alone in your experience.

You are not alone.

As you build a strong introvert dating mindset, you start to feel connected to other people including attractive women.

You feel powerful.

Let’s look at what that’s like, so you can prepare:

What a strong mindset gets you

Below, I’ll get into the introvert dating tips on strengthening your confidence. First, let’s look at what a confident mindset feels like once you’ve developed it:

Strong introvert dating mindset towards yourself

When you have an effective introvert dating mindset, you feel very comfortable in your own skin.

It doesn’t simply feel like you’re being yourself; it feels like you’re being your BEST self. This is not only relaxing, but it’s also INSPIRING and very fun!

I have an article coming soon on personality typing and how knowing yourself helps you build a confident introvert dating mindset and a strong sense of self in general.

Strong introvert dating mindset towards others

Having a powerful introvert dating mindset means you are free to enjoy and respect others.

You can have a great connection in the moment (appreciating however things are) without needing a bunch from them in return.

You also become free from HINGING your entire self-worth on what they say or do.

This is in stark (liberating!) contrast to the PUA advice that tells you the most important thing ever is “getting laid” / getting notches in your bedpost when the TRUTH is you want intimacy only if it is MEANINGFUL.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve got to be in a relationship for it to be meaningful.

It could be technically a one-night stand, but it doesn’t FEEL like a one-night stand because there is so much respect and connection flowing between you.

Strong introvert dating mindset towards dating in general

Developing a confident introvert dating mindset makes entire areas of life easier because you become a better version of yourself.

You know what you want, you communicate clearly, and you give lots of space to yourself and others to be how you all are.

You’re free to do this because no matter how someone else responds to you (whether she “rejects” you or “ghosts” you or any other number of things), you have a choice:

Continue engaging with modifications

Disengage and learn from the experience

Re-engage with modifications

Communicating authentically and clearly is a valuable skill, and it comes along with developing a strong introvert dating mindset.

The Non-Helpful Angle

The second angle you can take on, “Just be yourself,” (which is not helpful dating advice for introverts at all) is an interpretation like…

“Well folks, this (one of my unattractive habits) is how I am and I can’t change it. You should accept it and be attracted to me anyway!”

Unfortunately, this doesn’t work so well.

And it shouldn’t.

To shed light on it, let’s go to one of my favorite analogies:

Dating and Business

Because both dating and business depend on attraction for success, there is a strong parallel.

Imagine a business owner marketing something without checking in with his audience before he does.

What if he says,

“Hey, here’s what I (in my ivory tower) want to sell. Therefore, you should want to buy it!”

Oh really? Mmmm, that’s not how it works, buddy.

The most successful businesses create something they genuinely want to create AND that their audience genuinely wants to buy.

Rather than telling the market what he thinks it should want, a successful businessman…

Asks the market what it wants

Matches it up with what he’s excited to create

That’s the foundation for his success.

Dating and business are alike in that it’s never JUST personal expression (unless you’re strictly an artist selling his work).

It’s a meeting, a merging of the individual and his “market’s” preferences and disposition.

The sweet spot is the intersection of your unique expression with your ideal woman’s preferences.

It’s that intersection of mutual desire where the magic happens, and it’s a loving and skillful thing to do. A win-win.

Dating for Introverts: How To Be Yourself Successfully

To be yourself AND attract quality women at the same time, you can apply the dating and business principles above.

What you want is an intersection between your own unfiltered self-expression and what would naturally attract the kind of woman you want.

You’ll be on or near the same page in these areas:

the way you dress, how you groom, how you present yourself

how comfortable you are in your own skin

your level of ambition and how motivated you are to be the best you can be

a variety of other factors having to do with your values and preferences (which you can discover more about in yourself in our free ebook)

The kind of woman you want to attract will likely be along the same lines as you in terms of style, values, and some preferences.

For example, if you’re attracted to women who take really great care of their bodies, then it’s important to acknowledge that women like that are much more likely to be attracted to you when you take great care of your body too.

If you’re attracted to women who have great style, ambition, honesty… Same thing. And on and on, it goes.

So it all comes down to YES, definitely be yourself.

Equally important, be the best you possible.

Take your presentation, values, and vibe seriously.

Take pleasure in excellence.

Enjoy finding the intersection between your individual expression and the desires of your ideal woman. It’s usually a really close intersection already.

A strong introvert dating mindset includes understanding and becoming the best version of yourself so you can attract quality women and choose the best fit from there.

But how do you attract women once you know who you are and you’re bringing out your best?

Answer: Skill-Building.

Coming up next, below!

Dating is a Skill To Build

As a linear, logical guy, in order for you to have confidence in yourself… you have to know how to do what it is you’re trying to feel confident about!

A strong introvert dating mindset about your natural strengths and qualities is one thing. A strong introvert dating mindset about HOW to perform a SKILL is quite another.

You may not have thought that dating as an introvert is something you can deliberately improve and get better at.

Well, the truth is:

Attracting women naturally is a skill.

It’s not something anyone is born knowing how to do (including Calvin Charisma who literally looks like he must have stepped out of the womb in a superman cape, sprayed down with Axe bodyspray).

As easy as it may seem for some men to pick up the skill of dating, everyone goes through an awkward stage (7th grade pictures, anyone?).

In terms of a skill-building mentality around introvert dating, it’s helpful to start with this:

The only difference between a man who attracts women naturally and a man who doesn’t (yet) is SKILL level.

Because it’s a skill, you need to understand how to build that skill if you want to attract women naturally.

For now, understand these three things about how introverts build confidence around women:

There is nothing wrong with introversion.

In order to build the confidence you need to un-dam the cascade of natural attraction skills, you must first understand there is nothing inherently wrong with you as an introverted man. Nothing at all.

With some nice quiet time, you can recharge for social interactions.

You may be highly sensitive, which means the extroverted pace of the world is not typically designed for you and can easily lead to overwhelm. But that’s it, and it’s completely work-aroundable.

Many beautiful women are also highly in tune with their environments and prefer a gentler pace, so that is completely okay. It’s simply an environmental limitation, and it is good to know.

(Extroverts have their host of limitations too, especially when it comes to attracting the kind of women who prefer introverts.)

Introverts and dating can go together beautifully.

Introversion is inherently attractive.

Extroverts will never be the iconic, mysterious, strong type like James Bond, Bruce Lee, Michael Jordan, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney.

While extroverts have their own charm, it’s not the only kind of charm out there, and it’s certainly not yours.

Your kind of disposition is exactly what many women find the MOST attractive. Try Googling around for “what women love about introverted men” to see what I’m talking about.

Even though it isn’t often emphasized, the essence of introversion is iconic.

It is the epitome of strong, powerful, quiet, intoxicatingly mysterious men.

Because many introverted guys don’t know this, they assume they’re at a disadvantage. This unfortunately can make them almost indifferent about addressing this part of their lives.

Once a man “gets” his inherent attractive charm, however, he typically is able to build the skill of introvert dating with fun and ease.

This is because once he sees that he CAN have an empowering introvert dating experience, the faulty belief that he CAN’T is no longer stopping him.

Confidence is easier to build than you think.

In order to make your introverted nature really magnetic like the iconic men I listed above, you need to build what I call Core Confidence.

A man who lacks core confidence is unable to feel or exude power. The problem with that is pretty intense. Here’s why, and it’s really important to understand this:

For a woman, attraction IS the feeling of being desired by a powerful man.

(Thanks to Chris Shepherd for pointing that out.) While power can look like a lot of things on the outside, true power ALWAYS comes from Core Confidence. You can’t be powerful without it.

Core Confidence is based on a man’s healthy self-perception and increasing self-actualization, which makes his confidence 100% genuine.

Without it, there is no way in heaven or hell that you can be naturally attractive.

This may be harsh, but it’s true:

Until you have Core Confidence, a woman can’t care that you desire her. She literally cannot care.

It’s evolutionarily built into her wiring to choose powerful men to mate with. Surface manifestations of power are different; the core (confidence) is the same.

And it’s something you can build as an introvert in an especially potent way because of how self-reflective introverts are. It helps with personal growth.

No amount of introvert datings tips will make a difference without this key component.

Consider AskMen’s Survey on the #1 quality attractive women look for in a man:

CONFIDENCE.

The basis of all attractive qualities in a man (aside from natural good looks – which are highly variable in their importance or relevance to women) is either a direct expression of, or a direct result of, Core Confidence.

The only reason you’ve not yet attracted women as naturally as you’d like is that you’ve not yet built this foundation.

Confidence is the one skill that unlocks everything else.

Once you know dating as an introvert is simply a skill to build, that increases your confidence that you can do it.

From there, you’re able to muster enough strength and conviction to simply choose what you want.

Badass, right?

You can say with ease, “THIS is what I want and I’m going to GET it.”

This is not at the expense or depreciation of — but at the benefit and appreciation of — everyone involved.

Embrace logic

Even once you know a strong introvert dating mindset is something you need to work on, you may not know how to.

The reason is simple:

You’re a linear, logical guy.

People are telling you to stop thinking.

How is that supposed to work out?!

Everyone says, “Oh, just figure it out. You will eventually,” but you’ve never known how to go about that.

It’s just one of those things people say.

It’s a mindless catchphrase, “Oh, just be more confident.”

… What the hell does that even mean?!

Especially if you’re really thoughtful and analytical, then, you’re just lost because a lot of the advice is like, “Don’t think about it. Just do it.”

Oh, my God!

YOU THINK.

You are a thinker.

This is good. It means you’re intelligent. It means you’re thoughtful. All sexually attractive qualities to women who are those things too.

With that kind of advice coming at you from all angles, it’s hard to know what to do with yourself.

Reason being…

Thinking is your primary mode.

That’s what I made Introverted Alpha for completely.

This is for thoughtful, analytical guys so your entry point can be through your mind, and you can understand all these things.

Then, you can relax because you can’t very easily relax if there are still many unknowns.

Then, you and your coach answer the unknowns of how to specifically apply it to you.

Through this process, there are less and less unknowns.

The less unknowns there are, the more you can relax.

Being able to relax in your mind, you are then free to deal with the natural unknowns that are inherent in the process, and you can even enjoy them because you have so much of a structure to place them in.

Does that make sense?

Rather than it just being random and jumbled or something? There’s just so much stigma on over-thinking, and analysis paralysis, and all this stuff.

I’m like, “Guys, that’s because you’re smart.”

The solution is not to stop thinking.

The solution is to think correctly and fully with a big, accurate picture.

That is the solution.

To think correctly, and to think the things that are going to help you in the right order, where then you can connect with how your heart feels, and how your body feels, and how you feel.

It becomes integrated as one full picture. For some people, that integration starts with feelings or “Just do it!” or something else.

For you, it’s not that way.

Since you’re a logical, linear, introverted guy, for you it starts with thinking.

It starts that way.

You get to a point where you’re like, “You know what? This thing I thought would just happen hasn’t happened, so let me focus on it. I’m just going to focus.”

That focus is LOGICAL. It is measured. It is intelligent. That is all wonderful!

It’s all integral to the introvert dating mindset: embracing your logical mind with confidence and enthusiasm.

Now that we’ve looked at your inner world… what about a powerful introvert dating mindset around OTHER people?

That’s next:

Introvert dating success whether there is/isn’t a fit

It’s a wild and wooly world out there!

You can have all the confidence you need sitting on a mountaintop far away from civilization (sounds nice sometimes, doesn’t it? And I’m an extrovert!).

That doesn’t necessarily translate to confidence WITH PEOPLE in sticky/unknown/challenging situations.

So let’s cover three distinct introvert dating challenges and how to overcome them with grace:

How to handle fear of rejection

Do you hold yourself back around women out of fear of being rejected?

And you’re not even afraid of a dramatic external rejection from her, but more of an internal process within her where she finds you unsavory and brushes you off?

That’s normal. And it’s also very ineffective for meeting great women you click with.

If your emotional wellbeing is pinned to the reaction of a woman you approach, that’s something worth solving!

Only when you’re unattached to the outcome can you truly enjoy and connect with women. Otherwise, you’re expecting something from her that is unfair because she doesn’t owe you a thing.

This decreases unrealistic pressure and helps you be kinder to yourself, which results in you doing more and better!

We all thrive when we’re supported.

It also keeps your limited focus on YOU and what YOU are doing to make progress, not on over-investment in any one woman.

Now that you have a few tips on how to keep a strong introvert dating mindset within yourself and with dates, regardless of how they turn out, what about introvert dating in general?

How do we develop a strong mindset about that?

Skill-Building Mindset

Learning something new (including dating) can actually be relaxing.

Along those lines, one of our past clients asked:

Could you write about how to apply intelligence/art to a process (such as dating) while simultaneously being relaxed?

It seems that finding the balance has been challenging for me (and possibly your other clients) not only in dating / “reading a woman,” but also in other areas of life – foreign language pronunciation, certain physical exercises, job interviews and negotiations, etc.

I love this question.

During our program, he went from feeling awkward connecting with beautiful women to becoming really good at it. I’m so proud and happy for him!

Now he’s wanting to find more ease.

To answer, let’s define the word at hand.

There are two definitions of “relaxed”

relaxed, as in no end goal in mind, just chilling out and playing

relaxed, as in the sense of ease you get when you’re a master

So then, how to relax while learning?

Can you be relaxed when you have an end goal in mind / are not playing? Also, how can you be relaxed like a master when you’re NOT a master at that thing yet?

There’s a way to be relaxed that builds off both of the above definitions, that I like to call Pre-Mastery Relaxed.

When you are Pre-Mastery Relaxed, you DO have an end goal, but you’re not attached to the outcome.

Whether this one event pans out exactly how you’ve imagined it is beside the point for you when you’re Pre-Mastery Relaxed.

That’s because even if you “fail,” it’s not a true failure, but rather a learning experience you can utilize to grow within your Mastery journey.

Also, when you’re Pre-Mastery Relaxed, you may not be at Mastery YET, but you will be one day.

You KNOW this deep in your bones, which relaxes you.

You know that as long as you keep making steady progress towards what you want, you can’t not win. A true Pre-Master can’t help but eventually become a Master.

Maybe you’ve heard of what’s commonly called the Special Snowflake Syndrome.

It refers to people who think,

“Well, sure that works for other people a lot like me, but it won’t work for me because (I have red hair / I’m only X years old / I’m already X years old / I like ice-cream when it’s cold outside / and so forth).”

To illustrate the Special Snowflake Syndrome, I’ll tell you a story:

My first job ever was as an ice-cream server. In the summer, we were of course much busier than in the winter. So every winter, we’d have maybe 10-15 people come in to get ice-cream in an evening.

About one of those per night would nearly apologize when she walked in saying…

“I know this makes me really weird, but I just like ice-cream better when it’s cold outside! I’m so weird, I know! I’m probably the only person who’s ever told you that. I feel so embarrassed.”

Little did she know, we’d met dozens of people just like her.

What seemed weird to her was actually pretty normal. In this non-consequential case, her Special Snowflake situation didn’t really harm her, other than a little unneeded embarrassment.

However, in the land of dating and attraction — and really in the land of any skill-building — that embarrassment can be crippling for no good reason, preventing progress totally unnecessarily.

Whenever it comes to building any skill if you do the right things in the right order consistently over time… hell, even if you do SOME of the right things in MOSTLY the right order MOSTLY consistently over time… you win.

Honestly, you do. That is a relaxing thought, right? That’s a true Pre-Mastery Relaxing thought.

When you think that, you know that no matter what, eventually you’re going to become a Truly Relaxed Master eventually. Especially once you start seeing some progress, then you really can chill out.

In anything, the more familiar we get, the more comfortable and relaxed we are.

Let’s become more familiar with the process of becoming a master below. We’ll analyze the Mastery process by breaking it into 5 stages.

You guys love analysis as much as I do, right? That’s why we’re one big happy family. We all love using our minds this way:

The Five Stages of Becoming A Master

Stage One:

Not Committed, Not Sure What To Do

Extremely Non-Relaxed

Stage Two:

Fully Committed, Still Not Sure What To Do

Fairly Non-Relaxed, but Energized

Stage Three:

Fully Committed, Plugged Into Great Teaching Source of What To Do

Reasonably Relaxed

Stage Four:

Fully Committed, Seeing Incremental Progress, KNOWING You Will Become A Master

Quite Relaxed

Stage Five:

Fully Committed, Master Becoming Even More of a Master Daily

Totally Relaxed

Once you get to Stage Four, or even to Stage Three, you feel pretty awesome.

Hell, even Stage Two feels great because once you get there, you’ve got some nice commitment flowing through your veins.

It’s an exhilarating instant confidence-boost.

The only stage that really is no fun is Stage One.

Some guys remain at Stage One WAY LONGER than they need to. Don’t do that!

Moving up to Stage Two is always accessible, simply by tapping into your Full Commitment.

From there, your Full Commitment fuels your quest for resources and knowledge to carry you almost effortlessly into Stage Three, Stage Four, and then Stage Five.

Whenever we doubt ourselves more than we trust ourselves, we’re experiencing a little bit of Stage One, because that is the only stage lacking that complete commitment, and commitment requires trust.

Once you’re committed to figuring something out and you trust yourself to be resourceful enough to do it — whether it’s learning a new craft, conquering an old fear, whatever it is – you feel great.

So, that’s how you can feel relaxed, even while focusing on learning a new craft:

“I am going to become awesome at this,” you say while plugging away at it.

Then very soon, “Hey, this isn’t so terrifying. It’s actually pretty fun!”

Just meditating on these five stages should be enough to help you relax quite a bit around introvert dating and all that entails.

Once you know where you are and where you’re going next, the road ahead smooths into a nice linear process.

Now go rock that Pre-Mastery Relaxation and enjoy dating way more now!

In conclusion: strong introvert dating mindset

A strong introvert dating mindset matters because, in a world of people who are more gregarious and encouraging you to be the same, it can get confusing.

The whole pickup-artist scene telling you you’re “not a real man unless you have X notches in your bedpost” is so much bullshit.

It completely undermines the very developed masculine desire for building genuine connections with women as PART of intimacy.

You want to feel relaxed being yourself and make your own introvert dating experience the way you like it. That’s wonderful.

A woman who values genuineness and adventure will respect your desire to make your own path.

As you develop a strong introvert dating mindset towards yourself, others, and dating in general, your world flourishes.

Our clients feel like brand new people almost, now able to enjoy an entirely new dimension of life. Not only dating-wise but socially and professionally and personally.

They become true Benevolent Badasses.

The best part of taking the same approach our clients have taken to introvert dating is feeling more like yourself than you have in years, or ever.

Being yourself doesn’t mean slopping around in your pajamas 24/7. That’s only ONE side of yourself (yay for staying in and being free!).

Being yourself in the way I mean it here is becoming your most developed, most self-actualized self as a years-long (life-long!) process.

Dating is a skill to build. Your inherent introverted nature is an attraction advantage, and so is your analytical mind.

Where there was overthinking before, there can be clear and streamlined steps ahead once you know what to do and how.

As you get going on your introvert dating mastery journey, a helpful mindset will be your best friend.

The better your mindset is, the more relaxed you’ll be.

The more relaxed you are, the better everyone feels around you: women, yourself, everyone.

There is a place to apply at the bottom of that page for a conversation about whether our program is a fit.

Sarah Jones

Sarah Jones is founder and CEO of Introverted Alpha; the premier dating coaching company for introverted men; featured by Forbes, Business Insider, Cosmo, and more. Pick up your free copy of Sarah's 22-page ebook inside the blue box just below.

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