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Monday, February 23, 2015

A Choice or A Calling?

I have no doubt that some people feel called to adoption. I am not one of them. Neither is Husbandido. (I asked.) We talked about our ideas about how to raise children and how many children we wanted on our early dates; adoption didn't come up until we were well into the realm of infertility. (For those counting, think four or five years later.) For us adoption is a choice; we may not like our options, but they seem to be a) adopt or b) remain childless. I am much more okay with b than Husbandido is; I keep trying to convince him that we should sell our 4 bedroom, 2 1/2 bedroom house and move to a cute little bungalow or cottage. No dice on that one, though; he really wants children. It's not that I don't want children, but I have more doubts and qualms about adoption than he does. At this point, we have more or less agreed to pursue adoption once we are done TTC. (Meaning in a month or two.) But for us, adoption is a choice, not a calling. It doesn't mean we are any less suited to adopt; it just means how we are getting there is different. I don't quibble with the statement that not every couple who cannot have children should adopt; not everyone wants to do so or is suited to it. I also agree that adoption solves the problem of childlessness, not infertility. But I do think we need to be careful not to overemphasize adoption as a calling, as not everyone who could or should adopt may feel a distinct calling. Whether you get there via a calling or a choice, adoption is valuable and needed; every child deserves a home and parents.

5 comments:

I really appreciate your honesty about your journey. I think it is good for people to know that it can be a choice rather than feeling like a calling. Your thoughtful discernment of it makes it all more meaningful rather than moving to it as the default, as most non-IF people think we have to do. Praying for you and whatever may be in your future.

I really, really appreciate this post. Having found out about my permanent IF at age 16, I never got the chance to consider anything but adoption. I met my husband 7 years ago, and since then we've never really got to think about wanting children, since biologically it was off the table. I've always just kind of assumed that I need to adopt. Now I'm at a point where I don't know if I'm ready, or if I even want to, or when. It is so hard. I've never felt a "call" either- just a fact that it's a choice: adoption or childlessness.

Well said! Agreed. It is a choice for me, maybe a calling for my hubby. He talked about adoption when we were engaged, and I only thought of it if we couldn't conceive...and here we are. So far, the pain of infertility is just as strong. I'm excited to be a mom through adoption, but have a feeling that the infertility ache will still be there to some extent. Like my friend says, adoption makes you a mother, but doesn't necessarily heal the pain on IF. Prayers as you discern.

Yes, I can totally relate. We are homestudy approved, but we do not feel comfortable moving forward with adoption. I wouldn't say it's something we feel called to either. It would be more a choice, and as that has become more obvious, the less I feel inclined to go through with it. Deep down, I think for us, we will be childless. I don't feel comfortable taking in a child when I still have strong grief from infertility, and I think that grief will always be there. So, childless we will probably be.

I was in the same place when we decided to adopt the first time. We never would have considered it had we not been childless from infertility. But as time went by, and even after we had a biological child, the desire to adopt never left. In hindsight, after we did adopt, we saw God in the details and so I like to think we were answering a call but I can't really be sure. Maybe nobody is ever really sure at the moment they are making their choices. When I was trying to discern marriage, someone once told me "if you ask God to help you make the right decision, he will not let you make the wrong one". Sounds simple, but hopefully, if we ask for His guidance, then any choice we make will by default move us in the direction that He wants us to go. Praying for you.

About Me

Welcome to my prison of infertility. I am Catholic and not Hugenot, and my imprisonment is for neither religious nor political reasons. In truth, I do not know why I am held here, only that I am.
I am in my mid-30s and live in southwestern PA with my husband and 3 cats. This is my attempt to cope with what seems to be the loss of yet another dream.