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I had to do a lot of thinking over the holiday. (And a lot of grading, but that's irrelevant.) I'm usually the first person clamoring for change. I tend to be a bit restless, and always looking for something new. In something as simple as video games I lose interest after there's nothing new to discover. And I've alienated my share of friends over the years with my tendency to cut and run.
But every rare once in a while I absolutely do not want things to change. And that's when things always start to go wrong in my life. That's the tendency I must fight against. That resistance to change leads to tyranny.
So I've vowed that no matter what happens there are going to be some dramatic changes. Some began already over vacation. But there will be many more.
For years now I've looked back on the year ending with a sense of failure. 2006 began with a trip to Hawaii, which was life altering in many ways. Then I finally completed my thesis and officially finished graduate school. That was followed by a summer falling in love with an old friend. Fall brought a new job and a broken heart. But I cannot deny it was a damn good year. And there's still a month to go.

The phone interview went very well today. I was asked for 15 minutes, and we ended up talking for nearly an hour. They sounded very interested. After they talked to everyone they were going to wean it down to the people they wanted to fly out to meet with in person. So, being optimistic, I expected I might hear from them in a week or so, if I made the cut. I went to email my former research adviser to let her know about the interview, and before I had even finished typing I received an email from the HR department asking me to call them and make travel arrangements for my trip to Baltimore.
I'm not letting myself get too excited, though. I always do really well on interviews, whether over the phone or in person. Except for the one this summer with Fermi. And in between scheduling the interview and actually talking to them a cute blonde had walked back into my life, and I'm sure they caught the fact that I really didn't want to leave. Otherwise I've always done very well- out of hundreds of qualified applicants I'll be one of four or five selected. But I never get the job.
I'm afraid if I stay here I'm going to be come a very cold and bitter person. But I can't predict the future. Maybe I'll move and finally find a way to be happy. But maybe I'll stay and find something I never expected.

Today was Jen's birthday. It feels kind of like an end. The second time we went out I had mentioned that I had gotten The Chronicles of Narnia on DVD from the library. When it was out in the theatre I was too busy writing my thesis to go see it. She replied that that was one of her favorite movies ever. A few times over the summer when we had nothing else to do we just cuddled on her bed and watched it. The first time I mentioned seeing a complete edition of all the Narnia books in one volume, and she squealed with joy. At the time I was an unemployed recent graduate, so I had to be frugal on presents. But I made a note to get it for her for her birthday. Now I'm employed, and so I did. And that was the last bit of "unfinished business" from our relationship. Well, except the trips to Chicago and Disney World. But those will never happen.
She's found someone else. It hurts, but she seems to be happy. And I can't help feeling happy for her. But now that brief, wonderful period of my life is officially over. I don't think I'll ever enter Narnia again.
I got a call about another possible job today. Completely unexpected. So now there are even more options. I know I will regret it, but right now I just want to be anywhere far away from here.

I'm sitting here watching The Tonight Show when a local newscaster came on doing a commercial for The Lights Before Christmas. I don't know why it is, but I'm struggling not to burst into tears. I want to go every year, but, and I don't know why, if you don't have kids it's a couples only attraction. I got to go when I was 19. A few years later I went with my brother and sister-in-law when my oldest (and then only) niece was maybe 1, if that old. And I got lots of funny looks from walking around some things by myself. Now, I usually don't mind doing "couples" things by myself. I'm always the only "unaccompanied" guy at the art museum. I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm gay. Big whoop. But that scorn mixed with pity at the Lights. That stabbed me to my soul. Maybe it's the cold weather, everything seems designed to promote a desire for warmth and cuddling. That whole Winter Wonderland, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow vibe. But when you're alone it's just a withering cold. And all the togetherness just reminds you of how alone you are.
Yes, I realize how stupid this is.
I suppose everyplace has its romantic holiday traditions, but, at this moment, I think I may be close to making up my mind about a few things.

A very busy week. At least it's officially over. I've mostly had no time for anything except school stuff. We're coming down to the last few weeks and there's lots to do for every class. It seems impossible that this semester is nearly over. And I still don't know if I'll be teaching next semester, or moving on to something else. There's been more news on that front, but still nothing I'm willing to say publicly. Or privately, I guess. Almost none of my friends know anything yet. And I'm really torn if I want to stay here or leave. Neither prospect cheers me up at this point.
On Tuesday night I went to a reading by Dava Sobel, from her new book The Planets. An entertaining evening, but I was really uncomfortable. Everyone was either over 65, under 12, or a former colleague of mine. It just pointed out the isolation of being an astronomer, I guess. Whatever it was, I left pretty early. And only said a few hellos.
Friday night I went to a party for the opening of a new exhibit at the art museum. Since it's for murals and artifacts from Italian villas buried by Vesuvius there was a whole Roman theme going on. Even with my interest in archeology I found it a bit underwhelming. And, of course, most of the patrons had to mention to everyone that they had been to Pompei, and none of these pieces could compare. I didn't think it was politic to bring up that almost everything you'll see in Pompei are modern recreations. All the good stuff was looted for museums and private collections centuries ago.
And several times I got the odd compliment from older ladies that I looked good in a laurel. I have no idea what that was about.
I like science, but can't stand the nerdiness. I like art, but can't stand the snootiness. I guess it really shouldn't surprise me so much that I don't fit in anywhere.

So I clicked on CNN to briefly check the news and all I see are stories about the new Secretary of Defense. I had to read about 10 more headlines before I found the one saying Rumsfeld had resigned. And I have a ton of lab reports to finish grading before tonight's class, so I don't have the time to read any of them to find out what's happening.
But why couldn't this have happened before we invaded Poland? Er, I meant Iraq...

I was driving up 795 today, around 5:30, and the sun was just starting to set. The whole sky was pink and purple, with a deep orange sun slowly sinking down. It was beautiful. But I was still sad.

All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces,
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere,
Going nowhere,
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
No expression,
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
No tomorrow,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very,
Mad world,
Mad world,
Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy birthday,
Happy birthday,
Made to feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen,
Sit and listen,
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me,
No one knew me,
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson,
Look right through me,
Look right through me,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very,
Mad world,
Mad world,
Enlarging your world,
Mad world...

Someone once said that a writer is on a journey, and what he writes is merely a report about what that time and place in his life is like. The highs, the lows, the terribly mundane.
I'm tired of waking up every morning feeling like I'm going to a funeral. I'm tired of waiting on other people all the time. Today I tried to cheer up several friends, and got snapped at for it. It was cold, and very windy. I drove downtown to the library and was blinded by swirling snow as the sun set. It perfectly matched my mood.
I do not like this time or this place in my life. But I do not know how to change it on my own.

So, I started the week convinced I had written my ex girlfriend out of my life, I was not going to do anything to celebrate my 32nd birthday, and I was going to devote all of my energy to nothing but work. How'd that work out? I got talked into doing things for my birthday, the ex repeatedly surprised me, such that I'm not quite ready to "shoot her out of the water" (to use one of her phrases) just yet, and I still have yet to get a key to the classroom or print my syllabus for my new class starting Monday. But that's due to typical administrative bungling, and not my being lazy and distracted.