Im am so confused.. advise from anyone who has experience with acoas would be very much appreciated.

I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years. My girlfriend is an acoa. we have been through a lot together and the relationship seems evolved into a closer intimate relationship as we both grow. She just turned 30 and I am about to be 29. I am completely commited to her, happy, we have our fights, which we both seem to agree are normal, usually being resolved fairly quickly and to both of our satisfaction. We have split up a few times over the years, but usually get back together once everything has calmed.. On occasion she has broken up with me, when things seem to be good not great, stating "I just dont know if its fair for me to continue being with you if Im not as sure as you are that I want to be with you forever.." I have responded in the past by getting angry, by trying to talk it out, by getting emotional and crying, all of which bring about the same outcome just in varying amounts of time.. The outcome being her feelings of "not being sure" subside, our lives continue. One day she acts as if she loves me unconditionally and could marry me tomorrow, and a week later she could suddenly be "unsure" again.

Last night she became unsure again.. we talked and she said that for a long time now she has been feeling "unsure" and she just isnt willing to continue in a relationship when she feels this way. I try and understand why this keeps happening, how to change the outcome.. She says she loves me, and I when I asked her if she is sure that she in actually "in love" with me and dosent just care deeply for me as her best friend, she says she has no doubts that she is in love with me and couldnt love anyone more.. So today I wake up, shes in the livingroom playing Wii, and asked me if I want to play.. Later when she was leaving fof an appointment she asked if I wanted to get lunch with her after her appointment.. I declined. She called me after her appointment and let me know she would be home soon and was just going to eat lunch at home before she had to go to work.. Okay.. She gets home and I asked her.. If you say you dont want to be with me because your need to figure out if you want to be with me forever, why are you not taking time for yourself? Isnt that the point of time apart? She says she dosent know.. She never knows how she feels.. she is either in love or unsure... the dreaded acoa push pull roller coaster.. She is aware of her acoa characteristics, she began reading some books in November.. she finished the famous one about acoas and Intimacy, as she read it she felt as if most of the book was written about her. I purchased all the acoa books I could find (probably 10) hoping one would speak to her like the first, and tried to get her to consider counseling.. I suppose it was a bit of over kill.. because she began to shut down, not wanting "to deal with those issues" but since January I would say that she has made quite an effort to be less selfish and consider my needs than ever before. Its been nice.. until last night.

So my question is if Im getting the same old push pull signals, nothing seems to be wrong, she expresses her love for me in words and actions.. how do I deal with this? Do I move out, leave by love and best friend.. or do I stay? regardless of the ultimated decision to stay or go, It will take some time for me to move out, in that time do I detach, act as if she is a stranger/ roommate? I want to hang out with her, especially when she asks, but I dont want to stay in this pattern.. At what point do you need to move on with your life..

This does sound like a tough situation. You obviously have a lot of good feeling between you two and so I can understand your desire to save what you have. As an acoa myself, I had a serious breakdown when I first got into a relationship and my partner is still kind of reeling from some of my actions from that time. What saved me and what has saved us so far (3+ years) is therapy. I have found that I have to see where the issues are in order to address them. Have you ever tried couples therapy together? One part I have found especially helpful is the "history" part. Each person basically tells the couples therapist what it was like growing up (over several sessions) and the partner just listens (or asks the occasional question). It's revealing and helpful in that it allows to each person to see where the other one gets stuck (triggered) from past events...

This does sound like a tough situation. You obviously have a lot of good feeling between you two and so I can understand your desire to save what you have. As an acoa myself, I had a serious breakdown when I first got into a relationship and my partner is still kind of reeling from some of my actions from that time. What saved me and what has saved us so far (3+ years) is therapy. I have found that I have to see where the issues are in order to address them. Have you ever tried couples therapy together? One part I have found especially helpful is the "history" part. Each person basically tells the couples therapist what it was like growing up (over several sessions) and the partner just listens (or asks the occasional question). It's revealing and helpful in that it allows to each person to see where the other one gets stuck (triggered) from past events...

Thank you both for your responses... I appreciate it.. Well I have suggested counseling but she doesnít want to deal with "all that" being her past.. Itís easier for her to try her best to live on the surface and try her best not to get too attached.. and not to have anyone expect too much from her when it comes to a relationship. Her latest thing is that she thinks it sounds like a good idea to see if she is in love with one of her long time friends who she has always liked.. lol sheesh... I know, and I know she knows sheís not in love with her friend, itís just that her friend lives in Florida (we r in ga) and is a closed off, cold person, who is not really capable of real love... and thatís why this is an attractive option to my girlfriend.. no pressure, no real expectations.. her friend is "safe".

But what it all comes down to is I deserve a higher quality of life.. after almost 6 years, and her not being "sure" or %110 that she wants to be with me, and continuing to take the easy road by not getting help for her issues, itís just not in my best interest to be with her.. sheís a losing hand that I just need to fold. So I am planning to do my best to do just that.. Although it hurts Like hell, I have no control over how she chooses to live her life... and all I can do is keep in mind that this is not how I want to live my life, I want a best friend, a partner who I can count on in this crazy world.. and more and more Iím realizing that person just isnít her.

She will come back around.. She always does.. hopefully Iíll be strong enough to not be here when she does.

...but she doesnít want to deal with "all that" being her past.. Itís easier for her to try her best to live on the surface and try her best not to get too attached.. and not to have anyone expect too much from her when it comes to a relationship.

Hi again,
Yes. I see your point. Good mental health is about having good boundaries - and being able to say "Hey, you're hurting me and I've had enough." I'm sorry. That is tough. It's disappointing to hear too because... well my theory is that we can't keep this stuff down. I think it's one main reason people drink... in order to try to supress anger, sadness, all of it. But that stuff from the past, it never goes away until we address it (therapy, meds etc). Good for you for being strong - even though it's hard. No one deserves to be treated that way and... well, you are offering her a good example by being honest.

Being in love with an ACOA has got to be hard... there are books out there that could help you to understand your SO but at the same time... it doesn't sound like the relationship is working for you. So it's not you being the bad guy if you leave for your own wellbeing - sometimes we have to deal with our own stuff and it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn't dealing with their own stuff (like a past history of alcoholism in a family.)

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