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After being separated for almost two years...

We've been separated for Two years in August. Before that things were just miserable. I was trying to change him and he was worried about himself. For most of this last two years, I've been trying very hard to work things out. But he basically told me no. Yet, he has not filed for divorce. He finally offered to pay for the divorce expenses out of our tax return. Well, (I live strongly by faith) this past weekend I got the feeling in me to try again. I volunteered at the Joyce Meyer conference and was highly motivated. Around a lot of good, positive faithful people. Just very encouraged. Also, he works at the location where the conference was held. So we saw each other a few times. People were making comments about the look in his eye when he looked at me. When I talk to him, all I feel is cold. He's very tense and distant when communicating with me. Anyway, I was supposed to go on a trip with some girlfriends next week. I felt in my heart to ask him to take a trip with me. I mentioned it to him on the last day of the conference when I saw him face to face. He said his work schedule would be changing because the Bucks were going to the playoffs (he works at the venue). I waited a couple days then I asked him to dinner to talk. He kind of tried to get out of it, but it worked out and we met. He was a little stand offish. After talking more about the trip, he decided to go. I really couldn't believe it.

I'm both excited and nervous. I really want this to be a good time and for us to realize how much fun we can have together. We have NEVER taken a trip alone together. I'm nervous because he seems to still be resentful and angry, so I'm worried the trip could be ruined by his bad attitude. I just want to have fun, together. I basically just added him on the trip I already had. I looked around at going somewhere else, so I wouldn't feel obligated to meet up with my friends. But, it was more affordable to do this. Well, not really after all the stuff has been booked. :/ I really want to spend time alone with him. I feel bad, but my friends are going to have to wait for another time to hang out. I will meet up with them maybe once over the 4 days were there.

So, I basically nagged him to death. I wanted him to be more responsible, stop drinking and smoking, stop being so careless. He was handed things by his parents, I had to work for what I had. He has some anger/mood issues. He should see someone. But I tried to make him. We were always arguing and fighting. My second pregnancy was horrible. He treated me like crap. I could just tell he hated me. My first pregnancy was a dream. He pampered me like a princess. So I know he has it in him. `I realize I can't change him. By faith I believe he can change, but it's not up to me to decide when and how. I want to be a whole family. I want my kids to have us both together and happy.

I just want to do things right on this trip. Bite my tounge. Let the small stuff go. But any advice is greatly appreciated. I need to know how to woo my husband home. (Although his parents bought a house for him to live in. As hard as it would be for me, I might just have to move in there).

I am very surprised no one has bitten on this. Here it goes just my personal advice here. YOU CAN NOTCHANGE IM> He isHAPPY the way he is. You need ot move on and let him go.... Nexttime get ina relationship were you do not wantot change himt o what you want instead get with a person that our the qualities you want already. Stop trying to turn a Blue crayon red instead by the red crayon in the first place .

by Anonymous 1
on Apr. 17, 2013 at 10:57 PM

Is he an alcoholic? Does he smoke 2 packs a day?!

you said you nagged him to death, why? Maybe he can't enjoy a beer?

He smokes, you don't have to like it. But take it from a smoker, nothing is more aggravating than someone who chooses to be with you, then throws a huge fit because they don't "like" it. Tough shit. Get used to it, or get out.

Idk the entire story, but sounds like you need to quit controlling every little detail of his life and let him be him.

you do have to accept him just the way he is, he may change, but he may not, you can't expect him to, you take him just the way he is, not on a hope that he'll change, it does sound like he may feel you are trying to be controling, he isn't going to respond to that very well, either you take him as he is, or let him go.

Yes, I do need to stop being so controlling. No, I didn't know he smoked. Cigarettes and marijuana. He lied about a lot.

Quoting Anonymous:

Is he an alcoholic? Does he smoke 2 packs a day?!

you said you nagged him to death, why? Maybe he can't enjoy a beer?

He smokes, you don't have to like it. But take it from a smoker, nothing is more aggravating than someone who chooses to be with you, then throws a huge fit because they don't "like" it. Tough shit. Get used to it, or get out.

Idk the entire story, but sounds like you need to quit controlling every little detail of his life and let him be him.

First, I agree with pp about the smoking. My dh smokes, I hate it, I didn't know he did it before we got married. But I stopped arguing with him about it because it's just not a battle worth fighting. He's a good father, husband and provider. I won't make him feel like shit because he has a vice (believe me I have mine too, and he doesn't throw them in my face). You want to be with him, but you want it on your terms (the not treating you like crap is a fair thing to bring up, the rest, not neccessarily). You have to decide what you can and can't live with, only you can set those boundaries. But you also have to be prepared for the possibility that he won't want to live his life that way. And if that's the case, then it might be time to accept that your family won't be whole again. Some things just can't be done halfway.

If he lies about a lot then why try and be with him? And why have you never gone away with him by yourself, esp if you are married

Quoting LadyNCVE:

Yes, I do need to stop being so controlling. No, I didn't know he smoked. Cigarettes and marijuana. He lied about a lot.

Quoting Anonymous:

Is he an alcoholic? Does he smoke 2 packs a day?!

you said you nagged him to death, why? Maybe he can't enjoy a beer?

He smokes, you don't have to like it. But take it from a smoker, nothing is more aggravating than someone who chooses to be with you, then throws a huge fit because they don't "like" it. Tough shit. Get used to it, or get out.

Idk the entire story, but sounds like you need to quit controlling every little detail of his life and let him be him.

look up landmark education and both of you should go! It will raise his and your awareness to what you are doing in your own life to sabatoge your life and relationships etc. Helps you see it for yourself! It also helps you see why you think the way you do, and where that thought process started from. if u need more info i can help. all the problems we have in life with other people, are really with us. its good to resolve those issues. good luck HUGS

by Anonymous 1
on Apr. 17, 2013 at 11:07 PM

He should have been honest with you about his lifestyle, so I understand where you are coming from. You can't change him, unless he is ready to change. Period.

Your OP said he was really resistant about meeting, hanging out, going on trips together, etc. Don't push him...Won't work. Let him pursue you. No reason for you to go out of your way/beg for his love and attention.

Quoting LadyNCVE:

Yes, I do need to stop being so controlling. No, I didn't know he smoked. Cigarettes and marijuana. He lied about a lot.

Quoting Anonymous:

Is he an alcoholic? Does he smoke 2 packs a day?!

you said you nagged him to death, why? Maybe he can't enjoy a beer?

He smokes, you don't have to like it. But take it from a smoker, nothing is more aggravating than someone who chooses to be with you, then throws a huge fit because they don't "like" it. Tough shit. Get used to it, or get out.

Idk the entire story, but sounds like you need to quit controlling every little detail of his life and let him be him.

If you had to nag him to go on this trip, I'm not sure about having high hopes to woo him home. It also doesn't sound like he's changed much. I'm not trying to be a killjoy, it just doesn't sound good from what you've posted here. But I truly hope things go well for you both! Hard to make a good guess from a small snapshot of someone's life, so I may be totally off.

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