Going Beyond Your Everyday Sex

Well, if it is every day you’re experiencing more sex than most people, so congratulations!

Even so, there is always more to learn and more to experience.

It is a little ambiguous – what do I mean by ‘beyond’? Is this going to be fifty shades of getting off or some kind of awkward comical sex where we get dressed up in colourful latex and experiment with alien looking sex toys? No, and it isn’t necessarily about group sex either, but it can involve all of these things if that’s your thing.

A new survey on female orgasm showed statistics with nothing arousingly pleasing about them. Data from the recent Cosmopolitan’s Female Orgasm Surveysaid only 57% of women usually have orgasms when they have sex with a partner. Another sad statistic the survey revealed was 67% of women said they had faked an orgasm. Clearly, something big is still amiss!

In any case, this survey is a little off track because I’m wanting to talk about extraordinary sex. Experiences that can take you completely out of this world, experiences that change who you are at deep fundamental levels, experiences that linger with you for days and days, and stay etched into your memory in a way that lights you up every time it is recalled. These experiences are not limited to those committed to deep mystical sexual practices but, asDr Jenny Wadepoints out, are being experienced by ordinary people with no spiritual practice or special training in sexual mastery.

The experiences can be powerful, and for the unprepared, at times very confusing and even traumatic. For the most part people who have experienced extraordinary sex like this feel it to be a very positive influence on their life. They experience a stronger voice in the world, they become more passionate and alive, beautiful synchronicities happen with more often. Non-spiritual people even begin to feel supported by something greater than themselves. People’s relationships become more real, more intimate and fulfilling, the world becomes more vibrant and colourful, and their physical health improves.

It appears that the primal nervous system in some way comes into more harmony with the body and our daily experiences, like a kind of ‘nervous system resetting’. The experiences people report having are similar to how we experience the world when our vagus nerve is activated – associated with feelings of love and compassion, positive outlooks on life, more aliveness and at peace with things. When we are in such states of being things tend to happen with more ease and life is less of a struggle. You see, the primal nervous system for most of us is ‘switched on’ all the time at various levels, more than what is beneficial to us. It impacts on our relating, our health and the ease we feel with life. It can easily hijack our reality and manifest behaviours that find ourselves out of alignment with what we desire in life

Enough Analysing! How do I make this happen? I want some !

Bad news – you can’t.

Wait. What?

This is not about specific techniques, rituals or settings that will make a truly transcendent sexual experience happen. As soon as you enter a space of trying to make the experience happen you are no longer present to what is really going on. You become future oriented and no longer connected with your partner. You can’t fake it either. Say you try to be more present and connected in order to make the experience happen, it won’t happen either. It won’t come by way of force. However, there are aspects that do support extraordinary sexual experiences.

What can limit our experiences?

Personal beliefs about sex and our bodies. Some of our beliefs around sex and sexuality can create tensions in the body and distract us from connection.

Emotionality. If we are feeling emotions arising from the past it generally switches on our primal nervous system which inhibits us from tapping into our natural orgasmic potency.

Genitally focussed. Being overly focussed on the genitals takes the experience away from the full-embodied experience and can desensitise the body.

Orgasm Focussed. Being focussed on orgasm takes us from the present moment and into the future, and can easily place us in a performance or pleasing mode.

Body tensions. There are groups of muscles throughout the body, not just in the genital regions. These include the psoas, diaphragm and muscles in the neck and jaw that can limit our ability to experience our sexual potency.

Habituated sex. This simply takes us away from the present moment and limits us to experiences that are well known.

Fantasy. Again this is another area that can take us away from connection and the present moment.

What can enhance opportunities for extraordinary sex?

Presence and connection. This is important and means emptying your mind of thoughts beyond the present moment. It means not being influenced by drugs and alcohol to relax. Being open to all that is arising in the moment in connection with another allows for sexual energy to take a life of its own in surprising ways.

Eye contact. This simple act brings about so much intimacy. Holding warm gazes with each other enables deep communication beyond words.

Breath. Full deep breaths into our belly give us connection with our whole body and enable more oxygen to flow as our bodies become more aroused, increasing pleasurable sensations.

Sound. Surrendering to the sounds of pleasure in the body enables you to enter the experience more fully as sexual energy moves through you. Sounds enable direct communication of bodily sensations and give guidance to a partner as to where our bodies want to take us through pleasure.

Movement. Our movements during sex often become habitual and, for many, too fast to really take in all the subtle yet highly pleasurable sensations. Slowing down our movement can help us become more conscious during sex and help us develop more sensitivity to pleasure. While there is nothing wrong with raw, hot and passionate encounters, slowing things down consciously sometimes will greatly enhance your sex life and connection.

Openness to new experiences. Letting go of expectations and being open to experiencing something new can enable new possibilities for ecstatic states of being in surprising ways. It may also mean being open to all and any emotions that might arise, emotions we might be uncomfortable with. Being open to what may move through us we are open to surprises beyond what our minds could ever conceive sex to be.

Relaxation, safety and trust. This is mentioned last here, but far from least. It is essential to clear any issues of trust and misunderstandings to feel safe enough to be open to anything that arises, and express ourselves fully in sex. It helps us relax into our bodily experience and stay connected while surrendering to what unfolds.

There is so much more to be said on these aspects, and the diverse extraordinary experiences that are possible. With a little mindfulness, embodiment and openness there are ways we can support our sexual experiences to go beyond the everyday and influence our lives in positive life affirming ways. Approaching sexuality with a warm curiosity, without putting pressure on yourself to reach a high level of sexual mastery is a sure key.

With sexuality, things tend to flow more easily when you allow things to happen, rather than trying to make it happen, and then see what happens!