Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME DOWN)

Garrison Keillor: It was April in Minnesota, the frozen tundra was starting to wake up from the long nap, the robins had arrived (BIRD SONG) and the cardinals (LATIN) and the scarlet teenagers (GIGGLE), and I was feeling sort of weird. Beautiful women would pass me in the street and I'd snort and toss my head and paw the ground with my right foot. So I called up my doctor and I got his voice mail.

TR (ON PHONE): Hello, this is Dr. Farrell. If you are experiencing unbearable chest pains and shortness of breath, press or say one. If you are on the verge of unconsciousness, press or gasp two. If this is just some sort of vague discomfort that can easily wait until Monday, press your head against the pillow and don't bother me, okay? (BEEP) You have pressed one for chest pains. If you wish to come and sit in my waiting room for three hours, press or say one. If you wish six firemen to come to your home immediately and put electric paddles on your chest so that your legs fly up in the air and you lose control of your bladder, press or say two. (BRIDGE)

GK: I decided to drive down to Rochester to the Mayo Clinic. At the front desk, a young lady asked me about my insurance and insurance and whether my 80/20 co-pay group benefits package had been pre-authorized for in-patient intake remittal,  lovely phrase, benefit package. I could see her benefits package but I didn't think my insurance would cover it. I leaned over the desk and I said, (GRUNTING)

SS (FLEXNER): I am Dr. Flexner, Mr. Noir. I specialize in seasonal male hormonal swings and I think yours might be an overactive libido triggered by a food product. How many water chestnuts do you consume in a week?

GK: I don't know, not so many.

SS (FLEXNER): Would you say you consume less than six per week or more than six?

GK: I I've never stopped to count my water chestnuts. Is there a problem, Dr. Flexner?

SS (FLEXNER): Water chestnuts is a euphemism, Mr. Noir. Water chestnuts are actually the dried testes of sea lions. As such they are loaded with hormones  They can cause carnal urges powerful enough to overwhelm a person of very strong morals.

GK: So just think of what it would do to someone like me.

SS (FLEXNER): The answer, Mr. Noir, is Beer.

GK: Beer?

SS (FLEXNER): It's worked for generations of Minnesota men. Nothing lowers libido like a cold brew. Beer and baseball. Nobody comes home from three beers and nine innings of baseball with the slightest interest in sex.

TR (OLD): Kind of ironic, I guess. I'm worth eighty billion dollars but I'd give all of that if I could just pee. Take a look in my eyes. What color are they?

GK: Sort of yellow.

TR (OLD): I was afraid of that.

GK: You can't even go a little bit?

TR (OLD): I went to a doctor down in Arkansas and he put in a catheter but it isn't working.

GK: Well, I'm sure they can make it work.

TR (OLD): Would you mind taking a look? I don't dare bend over or it might come out my ears.

GK: You want me to take a look? There are doctors here who do that

TR (OLD): I don't think I can take another step.

GK: I could get you a wheelchair.

TR (OLD): I don't think I can sit either.

GK: I'd like to help you but

TR (OLD): Please. Just take a look.

GK: I think there may be laws against a man doing this 

TR (OLD): Please. Help me.

GK: And suddenly I remembered my old scoutmaster Einar and what he told us  (DREAM GLISS)

Tom Keith (JOWLY): Boys, I want to congratulate you on what you've done. Today you've earned your merit badge in urology. You've stayed on track and now you're in the elite of Eagle Scouts. Someday you may be in a position to help someone (DREAM GLISS)

GK: And so I did. Standing in the middle of the street (TRAFFIC) I did a quick examination 

TR (OLD): See anything?

GK: Whoever put this catheter into you, Mr. Martin  he neglected to open the valve

TR (OLD): Oh my gosh

GK: This may hurt. You've built up quite a bit of pressure.

TR (OLD): Go ahead.

GK: You people want to back up over there (CROWD MURMURS) Stand back this could travel. (

SS (DEEP): Listen to him, Al. "What did I do?" Look around you. The big puddles. Huh? You think it rained or something?

GK: That is not mine.

SS (DEEP): Come on. This way.

GK: I didn't do it.

SS (DEEP): Look at your pants.

GK: He did it and it got on me. Him. The guy in the WalMart jacket where is he? Where'd he go?

SS (DEEP): Cuff him, Al. Let's take him in.

TR (IRISH): Put your hands behind your back, you filthy pervert. Think you can come down here to a town of decent people and do your dirty things out here in the street. Where were you brought up, anyway? Doing a dirty thing like that. What if some innocent child had been passing by? Some little girl. Came around the corner and seen you doing what you did. Why you (WHACKS) (BRIDGE)

GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) The name is pronounced Noir, by the way. Not that it's an issue.

SS (DEEP): You think I care about that?

GK: No.

SS (DEEP): You're right.

GK: Did somebody pay my bail? Somebody named Martin, maybe?

SS (DEEP): County attorney dropped the charges.

GK: Oh. Okay.

SS (DEEP): Right out that way. Noyer. And next time, try to use a bathroom. (BRIDGE)

GK: I walked outside. I thought of trying to find Mr. Walmart and remind him who was responsible for the happiest day of his life, and then donate the money to Mayo to study the aging male urinary tract, a cause of misery to millions  and then I saw his private jet taking off overhead (JET TAKING OFF) and I thought, hey, what did I do? I turned a valve. It's spring. Lighten up. You've got a slight hormonal disorder. You're howling and grunting, so what? This too shall pass.
(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).