Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It's said by people much older and wiser than me that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and so it is that I'm going to borrow an idea that ESPN.com is running right now for college football with its "Villians" segments. Adam Rittenburg ran a piece about some of the biggest villians of the Big 10, and it makes for an interesting read.

What I'm going to do is tweak the idea a little bit and give you the 5 most hated schools/people for your Minnesota Golden Gophers right here and right now. No surprise at who starts at #1...

1. IOWA HAWKEYES
Good lord almighty do I hate Iowa. I've watched a lot of sports in my time, and have hated a lot of teams (if you're wondering, and obviously you are, my most hated teams after Iowa look something like the Boston Red Sox, Duke hoops, Notre Dame football, Dallas Cowboys, the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors, Toronto Blue Jays, Toronto Argonauts, Toronto FC, and any other team, sport, club, or sports person associated with the city of Toronto. And I especially hate all three Toronto "national" sports networks), but after sitting through last year's 55-0 thrashing to close out the gawd-awful Metrodome at the hands of the Hated Hawks, well, Iowa is #1 on my list of hated teams and should be for every Gopher football fan. And it's not close.

Not only have Iowa kicked the crap out of Minnesota on the field, but their fans are the worst. The absolute worst. They should rank near the very top of the most passionate fan bases in the country (although honestly- what the hell else is there to do in Iowa? Exactly) and at the very bottom rung for class. The Floyd of Rosedale, or any swine for that matter, have more class and dignity and probably smell better than Hawkeye nation does, especially the throng that showed up last year at the Metrodome. I can't decide whether they were a-holes or d-bags, but I think the answer is yes. They're obnoxious, arrogant, classless, and also seem scared by tall buildings and electricity.

Of course what they're not afraid of is the Metrodome or the Gophers- and as much as it kills me to say it, they have every right to be. I hate the team and their fans with every fiber of my being, but they've earned the right to act like jerks because they have out and out owned Minnesota for the last 3 decades. Since moving from Memorial Stadium to the Metrodome in 1982, the Gophs are 8-19 against Iowa. Let's hope the TCF Bank Era is whole lot better for this rivarly than the Metrodome was. WHO HATES IOWA? WE HATE IOWA!

2. WISCONSIN BADGERS
The last two decades the "Border Battle Rivalry" for Paul Bunyan's Axe hasn't been a rivalry at all- the Gophs are a staggering 4-14 since 1991 and after last year's 35-32 heartbreaker at Camp Randall, have lost five straight in the series. I feel like this SHOULD be our biggest rival and most hated school (a la the Vikings/Packers rivalry) but because the series lately has been more one-sided than a fight between Brock Lesnar and McLovin, it's been tough for either side to get that real deep-seeded hatred going. Badger fans, who are like the polar opposite of Iowa fans, treat us like their annoying little brother, and Gopher fans can't help but think we're doomed before we've even reached kick-off. Not only that, but because Badger fans are the opposite of Hawkeye fans and the Camp Randall stadium experience is one you have to see in person, they're a tougher group to hate. I also just married into a Badger family, so I might be a little biased too.

With Scony coming to TCF Bank stadium this year with QB issues (they need to name Curt Phillips the starter and be done with it), and a suspect front 7 on defense, there won't be a better time for the Gophs to end the five-game skid and put a whoopin' on Bucky Badger. But of course I'm already assuming the worst.

3. MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
Another Gopher Trophy Game, another lopsided series for the Maroon and Gold. If you thought the Badger rivalry was bad, mutiply this one by ten. Thousand. Since 1967 the Gophers and Wolverines have played for the Little Brown Jug 39 times. The Gophs have won it three times. Three. 1977, 1986, and 2005. And that is it. 3-36. Michigan fans are like the quarterback and captain of the football team and we're the band geek who plays World of Warcraft- they don't even know we exist. While the Rich Rod Era has been a Lance Harbor-like fall from grace, the Gophers have a LONG way to go to be Jonathon Moxon.

Minnesota had their best chance in years- and possibly EVER- to knock off Michigan last season. The worst Michigan team in school history limped into the Metrodome as the Gophers were staring actual, real, possible New Year's Day bowl hopes square in the face. Instead of finishing off the wounded Wolverines and taking back the Little Brown Jug, it looked like Lloyd Carr Era Michigan all over again as they rolled to a 29-6 victory, outrushing Minnesota 232-83, and outgaining them 435-188. The loss was a kick in the groin for the Gophs and their fans, and was their second of five straight to end the season. I remember all too well sitting in our end zone seats with Jer, both of staring out onto the field with a bewildered look on our faces (part of that could possibly have been the Miller Lites. Possibly), wondering what in the world had just happened.

We've always hated Michigan because they've been, well, Michigan, and now, just when they're rebuilding and vulnerable, they're off the schedule the next two seasons. The hatred and loathing will have to wait til 2011.

4. PURDUE BOILERMAKERS
You cannot argue the top 3 but the next two are wide open for debate. I'm going with Purdue here because of the history during the Joe Tiller ERA from 1997-2008. The teams met nine times in that span, with the Boilermakers winning all but once, including six straight from '97-'02, but it's that one win, a 42-35 double OT thriller at the Metrodome in 2005, that I remember well. I remember sitting with Jer and his uncle and family in their section in the upper deck, watching the unranked Gophers fight like hell against a Purdue team that came in ranked #11 in the country. I remember the jubilation and joy we all felt after knocking off Tiller and the Boilermakers, and what a program-changing win we all thought it was (2005 is the same year the Gophs went to Ann Arbor and beat Michigan).

Looking back now, it was arguably the best year Mason ever had, and all it resulted in was yet another middle-of-the-road bowl. Still, while I don't have the hatred or distain for the Boilermakers that I do for the three aforementioned schools on this list, when Purdue rolls into town it feels like a rivalry game and one we SHOULD win- but seemingly never do. I think it's because before Tiller they were pretty much the Duke football of the Big Ten, and to see them rise to prominence with Tiller and Drew Brees and go to the Rose Bowl and bigger and better bowls- it just feels like that should be us instead of them. They became the Jonathan Moxon I want the Gophers to be. With Tiller retired the Boilers could finish last in the conference this year, but new coach Danny Hope is hitting the recruiting trail hard down in Florida, and with former high school All-American QB Robert Marvre transferring in for 2010, this matchup should heat-up again soon.

5. NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH
The Gophers have almost no history with the Irish, as they haven't played them since 1938, and yet I still hate them as much as anyone, and I don't think I'm alone here. The next time they play Notre Dame, you can be sure Gopher fans will be getting their "hate on" for the Golden Domers.

"The Floyd of Rosedale, or any swine for that matter, have more class and dignity and probably smell better than Hawkeye nation does, especially the throng that showed up last year at the Metrodome. I can't decide whether they were a-holes or d-bags, but I think the answer is yes."

Here's my experience last year with you people. After we went up 13-0, the four of us Hawkeye fans sitting among a throng of you people started cheering for our team. One fat d-bag in front decided it would be a great time to pick a fight with us - because we were, you know cheering. Seeing that his friends had quickly abandoned his idea of helping him fight four well-built and younger guys, he came to his senses after being told how far up his ass his hand he was pointing towards us was going to go. Of course, as we thought, by the end of the game this guy was buying us beers and and acting like we were his long-lost friends.

So, what you see here is that I could paint the broad brush across your fanbase and call every one of you arrogant, mouthy d-bags and a-holes too but I realize Mr. Talks Too Much doesn't represent all of you people. So I would kindly like to ask you to use some of that so-called Minnesota Nice when judging us dumb hicks in Iowa who has never seen things like a lightbulb and gas-running engines. A-Hole.

-Twin Cities Hawk (normally I would just leave the cuss words in there and add a bit more color to my story, but I want this to be posted and also see if this gets deleted because it's anti-Minnesota)

As long as YOU know this is the worst blog ever, that's all that matters to me. It helps me get through the day. That and WIN FIGHT TRY GO GOPHERS! It's not much, but it's enough.

Oh and your link from the Strib didn't work. If it had to do with the 55-0 loss, Brewster probably had it pulled from the website immediately. If there's no record of it in the state media, then it didn't happen, you hear me? It didn't happen!

Twin Cities Hawk and others: mea culpa. I am obviously still upset and frustrated with the 55-0 loss and saw Iowa fans in not the best light, and I was in the worst mood possible. I took it too far with the some of the comments like "d-bag and a**hole", so I apologize for that. You are right, you can find those qualities in every fan base if you look hard enough.

You write stuff like this and then you wonder why your fans get shoved/slapped around in Kinnick and their cars vandalized? lol Best stay home this year, Honey, because the guantlet has definitely been picked up!

Every fanbase has classless, jerk fans. I've run into more than a couple of them for each of the Big Ten teams that visit Kinnick, and I've seen some of my fellow Iowa fans act just a rudely.

Every team has them. It's just that not every team sticks you with a 55-0 loss on Senior Day. That had to have hurt...

College rivalries are the best in sports. And you will not find better examples of this than in the Big Ten, where we love to hate each other but also support even our rivals against outside foes. Case in point- a Georgia fan trying to get Iowa fans to vote for their mascot over Goldie on the rivals.com website. Goldie was instantly defended and we voted for him nearly to a man until he won the challege.

Yeah, you should hate us Iowans. Not because of a few classless fans you want to focus on, but because we've had our way with your team over and over. We hate you guys for kicking out butts decades ago...

I am not sure why you hate Iowa. I was amazed at your student section saying "We hate Iowa" last year. I don't know if this is true or not, but was told that at every home game the chant "We hate Iowa" is said. How about concentrating on the team that you are playing that day instead of being infatuated with Iowa! Unreal!!

Ah yes, chanting we hate iowa, calling us aholes, dbags, swine, jerks... now that's classy fanhood. kudos on the blog, but posting strong opinions and censoring comments like you obviously are is sad. but what do I know, I just discovered the internet thing, right?

All in all, good luck to you guys this year and enjoy the stadium, at least until we meet.

For the 19th time (or maybe just the 3rd?) we weren't attempting to censor opinions, just clean up the cuss words. Didn't really work, but hey, we're new to Al Gore's interweb too, so you have to try these things. I'm all for strong opinions and strong comments back. That's part of the fun of the rivalry.

The "A-hole and D-bag" comments were the vast majority of Iowa fans I saw during and after the 55-0 bloodletting at the Metrodome, not the entire Hawkeye Nation.