Dude! Fucking... DUDE! Get over here! Check this shit out! You know the dude from The Village People? Victor Willis? The black dude?

Yeah, he got busted, man. Ha! Can you imagine that! The police chief would be all like "arrest that dude from The Village People," and the police would be like "which one??," and he'd be like "The one that looks like a cop," and then shit would get all Benny Hill as they all try and arrest each other. Or maybe the chaps would give it away, I don't know.

But, yeah. Dude got arrested for drugs and weapon possession, proving that even if you've turned yourself into pretty much the go-to guy for lame humorists looking for a gay joke, it doesn't mean you can't party like a rockstar!

Willis was arrested back in March (NEWSFLASH TMT SCOOP MUST CREDIT TMT) but was given an eight-month suspended sentence this Wednesday. He also... Oh.

Er, he also has to attend a 30-day programme at the Betty Ford Center for treatment for, uh, drug addiction. Shit. This, er... This isn't very funny any more. Er, I feel kinda guilty now.

Willis released a statement in June, at the start of his trial, saying "The nightmare of drug abuse is being lifted from my life... Now that the haze of drugs are gone, I'm thinking and seeing clearer now than I have in years... I'm looking forward to living the second part of my life drug free."

Good for you, dude. Good for you. I'm, uh, going to go and sit somewhere quiet and think about what I've done.

Lately, I have been noticing more and more a disturbing trend amongst artists I listen to on a regular basis: I can't fucking pronounce any of their names. Honestly, how can I name-drop Paavoharju in front of some co-workers when I can't get past the first syllable? And what about Fennesz? Shivers went down my spine merely reading it. And am I supposed to pronounce it "Sunn" or "Sunn O"? Ugh! Maddening. Yes, I realize that some of those names are in languages other than English, and that perhaps in their native countries their names are quite simple. For the most part, I choose to remain ignorant to that fact and long for simpler times. What's so wrong with good ol' American names like "The Who" or "The Smiths"?

All good things must come to an end, I suppose. I have more or less accepted that the glory days of band names that just roll off the tongue are over. The world is growing up. I have even ended my long-time boycott against bands with over a dozen consecutive letters in their names, and for this moral defeat, I hold Charalambides personally responsible. Upcoming tour? 40+ albums and CD-Rs? One of which, titled A Vintage Burden and released in 2006, has a conveniently placed TMT review link right here [TMT Review]? How could I resist? Not to worry: my boycott of movies with subtitles, the five-string bass, "icicle" Christmas lights, fruits without seeds, cup-holders, and any movie playing system other than Laserdisc are all stronger than ever.

Look for a 15-passenger van with "Charal-" painted on one side and "ambides" on the other in your town soon.

When I lived in Baltimore, I eventually made my peace with the fact that I'd have to go to DC in order to see about 80% of the bands I liked. And you know what? Call Baltimore all the names you want (believe me, I have), but DC sucks more. DC is like Baltimore with a few fancy neighborhoods, some government buildings, a subway that shuts down at midnight, and rents almost as inflated as New York. At least Baltimore is cheap and gave us John Waters.

So anyway, here I am, writing an article on The New Pornographers' fall mini-tour, when I come across this thing called the "V Fest" and learn that it's in Baltimore, of all places. At first, I'm impressed. New Pornos: yay! Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: *hand clap*/yeah! The Flaming Lips: wahoo! Wolfmother: hells yes! Scissor Sisters: shut up, I like them. Then I'm disappointed: Red Hot Chili Peppers? The Killers? Gnarls Barkley? The Raconteurs? John Digweed? That guy is still around? Finally, I'm just confused: The Who? Really???? Only when I realize that the whole thing is sponsored by Virgin Mobile does the utter randomness begin to make sense. And then I understand why it's taking place in Baltimore, the randomness capital of the world. Take that, DC!

I guess it doesn't make any difference to me. I'll be seeing them in New York, where it looks like they'll be interviewing the author of that bestseller The Wisdom of Crowds at The New Yorker Festival. I haven't read the book, but, hey, at least I don't have to look at Dave Navarro if I also wanna look at A.C. Newman. And we all know who the real hottie is there.

Tonight, the International Contemporary Ensemble begins its annual weeklong concert series in Chicago at the Hot House. I could make some kind of lame joke about the initials of this well-known avant-garde chamber group and its relation to a "hot" house, but I feel that would undermine the seriousness of this article (it is classical music, after all). So instead, how about some background? ICE was founded in 2001 for the express purpose of promoting new music and young composers while bringing this music to audiences not necessarily associated with modern classical music. Since then, they've performed in Alice Tully Hall in New York and the Miller Theatre at Columbia University. Their debut there was hailed by the New York Times as a "Top Ten Musical Moment of the Year" for 2003. Now, I think a listing of some concerts is due:

Featuring the seldom-used duo of clarinet and percussion, this night will feature works by Donatoni, Stockhausen, Lobera, and Manoury, as well as new works by young composers.

09.14.06 – Chicago, IL – The Velvet Lounge

This night's performance centers around ICE and Chicago Symphony Orchestra member Katinka Kleijn and several of her musically inclined friends. There will be works by Alvin Lucier, Bruno Maderna, Dai Fujikura, Alexandra Hermentin, and Frederic Rzewski, and a world premiere by Greg Ward written specifically for this performance.

09.15.06 – Chicago, IL – Pressure Billiards and Café

ICE guitarist will be playing both nylon and steel strings tonight for pieces by Mario Davidovsky, Julia Wolfe, Elliot Carter, Toru Takemitsu, and Peter Gilbert. As an encore, he's preparing a new piece by Yngwie Malmsteen called "Dungeons of HELL!!!"

Thankfully enough, modern music fans will not have to make the tough choice of whether they want to see the balls-out craziness of eight piano hands performing pieces by Ligeti, Kurtag, Messiaen, Schoenberg, Brunswick, Bartok, Tsai-Yun Huang, and three (count 'em, three!) world premieres OR some of the more interesting improvised music in America. Your day's plan should look something along the lines of going to the Green Mill at two to see 40 fingers flying, then heading directly over to The Hungry Brain for the 10 P.M. improvised show (you'll need that much time to get there due to Cubs-related IQ-deprived activity... ugh).

09.18.06 – Chicago, IL – Katerina's

And for you classical lovers out there, the final night of the festival will feature works written before 1940 – outside ICE's usual scope. However, these pieces will be subjected to some interesting arrangements and will feature some very special guests from the Lyric Opera Company and the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Among the advertised "four + hours of nonstop classical" will be Bach's "Brandenburg Concerto No. 5" as well as other popular favorites. Sorry, no karaoke.

Robert Pollard, the coolest "older uncle" if not "father figure" of indie rock. He continuously kicks out the jams, ignoring the strains in his body. He's also pregnant with a new album: Normal Happiness, due October 10. Gentlemen, prepare to break out the cigars.

This is his second album out this year, following From a Compound Eye [TMT Review]. Pollard encourages the album to be bought at independent record shops, adding a bonus live CD of Pollard and the Ascended Masters to all copies sent to independent shops. Take that, condescending security jerk.

Normal Happiness was produced in one month in Pollard's basement. Out of the 47 songs created, 16 made it to the album. Congratulations tracks 1 to 16! Here are the lucky winners:

Dude! Fucking... DUDE! Get over here! Check this shit out! You know the dude from The Village People? Victor Willis? The black dude?

Yeah, he got busted, man. Ha! Can you imagine that! The police chief would be all like "arrest that dude from The Village People," and the police would be like "which one??," and he'd be like "The one that looks like a cop," and then shit would get all Benny Hill as they all try and arrest each other. Or maybe the chaps would give it away, I don't know.

But, yeah. Dude got arrested for drugs and weapon possession, proving that even if you've turned yourself into pretty much the go-to guy for lame humorists looking for a gay joke, it doesn't mean you can't party like a rockstar!

Willis was arrested back in March (NEWSFLASH TMT SCOOP MUST CREDIT TMT) but was given an eight-month suspended sentence this Wednesday. He also... Oh.

Er, he also has to attend a 30-day programme at the Betty Ford Center for treatment for, uh, drug addiction. Shit. This, er... This isn't very funny any more. Er, I feel kinda guilty now.

Willis released a statement in June, at the start of his trial, saying "The nightmare of drug abuse is being lifted from my life... Now that the haze of drugs are gone, I'm thinking and seeing clearer now than I have in years... I'm looking forward to living the second part of my life drug free."

Good for you, dude. Good for you. I'm, uh, going to go and sit somewhere quiet and think about what I've done.