Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Steel Magnolia's

My Dear Steel Magnolia's,

You.
You, human that though vulnerable, and even more delicate that you
appear, are also stronger, wiser and more damaged than you appear,
you, sitting there. I see you.
Today might be a good
day.
You know a HARD, but good day.Because all the days
regardless of how sweet, also hold some bitter.
It is a path
you walk, a sharpness with each breath.
You also have an ability
many people don't, the standing and brushing off and holding your
head up high, seeking the light, the sunshine and moving forward.
You are amazing.

Whether you are parenting kids
from hard places.
Perhaps that child is no longer in your home and
you are feeling the aftershocks?
Helping a parent, or spouse
through a mental or health illness.
Surviving something yourself,
a loss, an illness, a depression, a fear.

I see your invisible
backpack full of bricks you strap on. I see the worry lines you hide
in your smile.
I see the tired, behind the sparkle in your
eyes.

YOU. You are brilliant, and shiny and strong.

You deserve a medal today, just for
getting up and doing it again. Give me your address and I will
send you one. You like crayon and construction art right?

Last
night after, returning home from an extended weekend, visiting our
child at her Residential Treatment Center, I had a lump. You know
“the lump”, lodged in your throat, the well of tears just under
the surface of your eyes that makes things hard to see.
And so you
tuck in children.
Unpack musky wet swimsuits straight into the
washing machine.
Make lunches.
Re-tuck in children.
Get one
more glass of water.
Wonder if you have the energy to brush your
own teeth and change in to pajamas, and then you crawl into bed,
exhausted, and stare.at.the.ceiling.
Because silly you, after 3
days, and two sleepless nights in a hotel room with 9 people, non
stop “fun” of swimming and movies and arcades and rides, and
tantrums, and pouts, and ear aches, and crying, and fighting and
F.U.N. ...you thought crawling in your soft bed, you would
automatically fall asleep, much like your snoring three year old who
is curled up in your spot on the bed.
That three year old is a
jerk. That sweet sweaty little face all sleeping, and dreaming...all
ASLEEP.

And then you feel the lump, you have been ignoring.
It's there. Waiting.
Kinda like the phantom “ Oh yeah, I had
to pee 3 hours ago, that goes away and comes back” condition many
busy mothers know.

And, hello Netflix .
Where is there a ; “I
need a sad movie to make me cry about someone else's sad story, so I
don't have to sit here and cry about my own stuff” category.
Too
many words in a description?
Dude, they have a “ Because you
watched My Little Pony:Twinkle Wish Adventure, recommendations”,
category.
I am writing their customer service, after this post
dangnabit.

Linds, FOCUS.

So yep, me, needing a good
cry.
I have my go to's:
Greys Anatomy scenes.
Bridges of
Madison County.
Simon Birch.
The Painted Veil
Beaches
What
are yours?
Steel Magnolia's is a double whammy for me.
You see
I have a diabetic son, daily I worry “If today could be the
day.”
Every morning is still a “is he breathing morning.”
I
also have daughters, I would not only give my kidney to, but all of my
working limbs.
I also have friends. A tribe of miraculous people
that will walk me through and have times of ultimate loss.

Your
show will begin in 17 seconds.
Let's open the flood gates.

I
needed that cry.
I needed the multiple times I was touched and
reminded that hard and sad and loss, is a human condition. During the
funeral scene I thought of all of you. The parents that carry tragedy
for their lost and living children.

When Malynn cries, “I
-I don't thing I can take this!I -I don't thing I can take this!
I-I just want to hit somebody

'til they feel as bad as I do! I
just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it HARD!”

We
have all felt that.
That alone and desperate, and empty in our
pain.

When Annelle says;“When things like this
happens. I pray real hard to make heads or tail of this.”

I
think of the people I know, sitting at desks getting through their
days with the lump in their throats, not sure if it matters,
regardless of how HARD they work, the money just isn't going to add
up.
I think of Mom's driving to IEP and 504 meetings again.
Fighting for rights of their children, being judged for their kids
behaviors.
I think of someone holding the hand of a loved one in a
hospital, not sure to plea for healing, or the peace of letting go.
I
think if the broken still beating hearts of relationships torn and
hurting...and still walking around.
I see you.

I walk next
to you in this marathon, of hills and valleys. Dips of high highs and
low lows...all with a small pebble in our shoes.
You are a warrior
in yoga pants, a suit and tie, Mom jeans and a stained sweater, dress
casual, 3 day worn pajamas. You, amazing. You, medal, for just
breathing.

Today I got up.
I walked my autistic son through
four separate triggers and melt downs.
I redirected my ADHD son a
gazillion times, and though I am not confident his socks match, I am
pretty sure he didn't wear penguin pajamas to school.
I made a hot
breakfast for nine people.
I have already sat my five year old in
3 separate time outs and wiped pink sparkle nail polish off two
walls and a counter-top. Today I walked past my child's empty bedroom
at least a dozen times, each time feeling the subtle stab in my heart
as it whispers, “will she ever sleep in that room again?”

I
am going to be O.K.
She is going to be O.K.

“That's
what my mind says,I wish someone would say that to my heart.”You.
You, human that though vulnerable, and even more delicate that you
appear, are also stronger, wiser and more damaged than you appear,
you, sitting there. I see you.“You know, I love
you more than my luggage.”

4 comments:

This is my very favorite movie! No movie before or since has ever produced so many absolutely fantastic one-liners. I've seen it a hundred times and it still makes me laugh and cry EVERY time. In fact, I think it hits harder now than it ever did before.

You know what, though, Linds..."I love YOU more than my luggage, too." May you and your family all find peace and healing in all of this.

Lindsay, I don't know you (obviously lol) but you, dear lady have a heart of gold! To think to recognize others struggles even in the midst of your own valley says a lot about who you are. Wish I could give YOU a hug--and a medal! You write from the heart--and touched mine in my own struggles today. Thank you...

Oh woah...this was....meant for me today.As I type tears streaming down my cheeks I feel "understood" which is a very rare commodity these days for me. I was just walking and talking to God and telling Him again "I CAN"T do this" for the millionth time. Then I landed here and.....although my stuff is still here I feel able to keep fighting this battle because again I am reminded, I am NOT alone. Thank you...thank you!

Me, the crazy one they call Mama...

SO here's the thing....

I stink at blogging, no really I do...by the way I am dyslexic and can NOT spell worth a darn, but I write anyway.

I have the best of intentions...but life happens.

I am parenting NINE amazing kiddo's.One that is no longer safe enough to be in my home...and I mourn that, every day.This blog is about being flawed but doing the best you can do. It is about parenting some Fabulous kiddo's with some heartbreaking problems. We are just a family.A family living, laughing, crying and shaking it up as much as we can to ward off the effects of severe trauma, anxiety, depression, psychotic tendencies, suicidal ideation, addictions, bulimia, anorexia, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder,Hording, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, they and we are surviving by the skin of their teeth, everyday, but we are NOT giving up.This blog is about surviving daily life with a child with type one diabetes... I am just a Mom, dedicated to MY children, dedicated to being a Forever Family, and giving some of these kids whom have never had a safe anything, a HOME: a soft place to fall.

Who this is Really for!

Sooo if you have found us and just started reading...
I am protecting my kids names out of respect. Lets be honest, if I am going to talk about their behaviors...they don't need their names out there...because it is the BEHAVIORS that are hard, it is the anger and destruction of the trauma that they experienced that needs to be named, my children are deep down good, with a whole lot of broken/nasty/ugly tossed over to disguise what is so wonderful about them.
I have six with trauma disorders. That is what is SO gosh darn HARD... they see it and are triggered some-days, by just looking into each others eyes.
MY AMAZING and sometimes ANGRY ELVES:
We have 2 bio kiddo's:

and 5, COUNT THEM F.I.V.E. Haitian Sensations .....

Our kiddo's came home 20 days after the Haitian Earthquake. Hubbie and I traveled to Haiti 10 days afterward. It has deeply changed, traumatized and effected our family in soooo many ways. So on top of some MAJOR Attachment issues, we are also all coping with PTSD, ODD, RAD, SPD and Borderline Personality Disorder....this is OUR Season of Healing.