I'm having a really hard time staying in recovery mode. I manage to stick (kind of) to my meal plan for two weeks, then I start restricting and purging again for another long while. It takes me a really long time to pull myself out of each time I fall back into the rut, then when I do, I stick to my meal plan and "recovery" for a bit, then fall right back in again. It feels like a cycle that'll never end. Is it possible to really stay in recovery for longer than a short period of time? Will I ever find the willpower to do that? Does the cycle of doing well for a bit, then falling right back in, ever end? I so badly want to just BE OKAY with eating. Just BE NORMAL. Not be afraid of every bite I take. I so badly want to just NOT CARE about weight, numbers, body image, etc. But now I do care. Now I'm not okay with eating. Now I am afraid.Is it possible?

-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I don't know the answer to your questions...but I vote it's probably possible for most. Instead of looking at the constant times you went awry, look at all the times you pushed yourself back on track again. There is a lot of hope in that. If you did it last time, and the time before, you can probably do it again. I hope that's encouraging at least a little.

-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

I'm sorry in general if I'm not replying to posts so much right now....In general, due to stuff around me and how I feel physically, there is little if any positive I can say most of the time. I'm glad I was able to get you to see the flip side though. Just remember, even if I don't reply, it doesn't mean I don't care; it means I just can't get out of the negative spot I'm currently in to see any positive occurring. (For some reason, in your situation though seeing the positive was easy...strange )

-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

I feel like giving up. Seriously feel like giving up. I'm not doing well now. At all. I've regressed to just about the point where I was last year before I went into the hospital. People are suggesting that I go back in - but there is no way I can do that. Leave my kids again? Spend the money again when we are still a good few thousand in debt? There's no way. I feel like there is absolutely no way out of this. I go to therapy. I go to a nutritionist. I take my meds. I do everything I'm supposed to do. Yet the eating part just doesn't follow. Like I said before, it may here and there for a couple of days at a time, but it doesn't last. And now it's going downhill, at a super-speeding rate. I don't know what to do next. What to try. How to go about changing things. Where to put my efforts - when I have almost no motivation left.

-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I have considered DBT - a number of times, in fact - but it just isn't feasible for me, being that in my area, there just aren't any good DBT programs and there is no way I can travel and be out for a number of hours a couple of days a week... It just wouldn't work. It would be a great option, though, were it possible.

-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

what exactly is dbt? in the program I went to we had DBT group like once or twice a week, but I still don't understand how a full immersion in that kind of therapy would really be helpful. I mean it seemed to me like a different way of looking at stuff, but I kind of got bored of it after the first week or so, it just seemed overly repetitive. And I still don't completely understand what it is.

D&O,As far as the monetary concerns of IP have you ever looked in to the eating disorders program in Colombia U in NYC it is a research program so it is free?

Kol Tuv.

-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

I have looked into Columbia. I wouldn't qualify, since in order to be part of the research, you have to come in without being on any meds - and I'm on meds already. That's what I heard. Thanks for the suggestion.

-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

We were told one can apply while being on meds but just need to go off them before entering the program.

kol tuv.

-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

KLY, sorry for taking so long to answer the "what is DBT?" question. Rather than try to explain it fully in this forum, I suggest you do a search on line for DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Specifically, it is a form of therapy designed by Marsha Linehan (or she had lots to do with it) that approaches one's problems from a different view point (in my opinion.) It's goal is to increase "mindfulness," decrease impulsivity, increase postiive interpersonal relationships, decrease emotional lability, and the list goes on.... There are basically four things working to increase and four things working to decrease. I don't think I covered them all since I'm no whiz at it yet...just beginning. However, from my experience with it, it is useful for a person who needs to work on a problem actively....not to place blame on someone else or yourself or whatever, but to find constructive ways of getting what you want and need in this world through building positive outcomes. Basically, it is changing YOUR behavior since you can't change OTHERS and working from that point. These programs tend to be very intensive...in a typical DBT program very often you meet at least 2x a wk. and have access to your therapist after hours for "coaching." Coaching is using skills that you learned in DBT in times that you have a hard time. It is not time spent with the therapist to discuss the actual problem taking place. Dunno if I was helpful. I remember hearing about a few really, reallly good sites on the subject. I'll try to find them and post them in a bit.

-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Sorry that you're struggling so hard downandout. I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I wanna give up that's why I'm in the hospital. You say going back inpatient isn't an option maybe reconsider. It'll help you get better and be a better wife, mother and it'll help you feel better!!!!! Sorry I don't have much advice to give you and what I did say is pretty crappy but all I wanna say is I feel for you and hope things get better quick!!!! Lots of ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.