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Cancer

In the world of the Zodiac, Cancer is the rock star: Most are only popular for a short time and afterwards retire into a life of bitter seclusion… except for the ones who choke to death on their vomit early on, but that’s more of a Scorpio thing…

The most appealing trait of a Cancer is compassion…way more compassion than is appropriate; in fact, so much compassion that the word “compassion” is hardly adequate. A stronger word, indicative of say a serial killer who tortures his victims to death because ordeal will insure them a place in heaven, should be created just for this level of compassion. And, more empathy than you can shake a stick at (a Cancer completely understands WHY you are shaking sticks at empathy ’cause he’s “been there”). A Cancer is like the proverbial clown that is crying on the inside, except Cancers cry on the outside and never wear over-sized shoes; moreover, I’ve never seen a proverb with a Cancer in it… although, to be fair, there were a LOT of townspeople in “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” and odds are that at least one of them was a Cancer… Maybe the guy who saw things from the wolf’s point of view…

You’d think that would make a Cancer the ideal mate and you’d be so wrong you’d break out in a rash. It isn’t easy interacting with a doppleganger for the God of Hurt Feelings. Cancers also have vivid imaginations… so vivid, they convince themselves of their lies. Lie detectors are useless against them. But, this phenomenal skill at perverting the truth is USELESS in a Cancer because of that damned empathy. Instead of being a great provider as a governor or a lawyer, a Cancer retreats into jobs without much interaction with others like fire-watcher or clerk at the DMV.

Cancers are loyal. A Cancer will follow you into Hell, little realizing the ONLY reason you are going into Hell is to GET AWAY FROM HIM.

Helen Keller was a Cancer and you could hardly get a word out of her. The shy and retiring Lindsay Lohan is also a Cancer, although there has been a campaign to get her to stop. An example of a non-actor who is also a Cancer would be Michelle Rodriguez. Yes, that was cruel, but so was having to sit through all those Fast and Furious movies… Oddly enough, both Rodriquez and Lohan were in the same movie: Machete. Machete is Danny Trejo’s Gone with the Wind. See it with someone you love who also doesn’t mind seeing a man’s intestines being yanked out of his body and used to repel down the side of a hospital…

Male Cancers include the Dalai Lama, Julius Caesar, Nelson Mandela and Vin Diesel, another member of the Fast and Furious cast. Am I saying that Julius Caesar was sensitive and imaginative? Frankly, I’ll say anything to finish this section of the essay…

The constellation of Cancer is the faintest of all the zodiac constellations because it doesn’t want to draw attention to itself. It consists of five stars because it is essentially a capital ‘Y’. If you want to see Cancer in the night sky, ask for help from someone who gives a damn. If you don’t find such a person, take the hint and do something else…