BuzzFeed Motion Pictures suggested men should have sex with a bar of soap and people lost it

Sometimes you’re just searching for a way to jazz up your solo sex life a bit.

You want something new. Something exciting.

BuzzFeed Motion Pictures proposes that that something should be cutting a hole in a bar of soap and putting your dick in it.

Hey, why not?

This week, Jezebel brought our attention to a BuzzFeed Motion Pictures video titled ‘6 Easy Masturbation Hacks For Men’. Most of the ‘hacks’ were pretty standard, such as using your non-dominant hand or tapping the head of the penis.

But one ‘hack’ was getting a bar of soap, cutting a hole in the middle with a knife, and then using that soap as a DIY masturbation sleeve. Or using it to jack off a banana. The instructions aren’t entirely clear.

(Picture: BuzzFeed Motion Pictures)

I have so many questions about this.

At first, I considered that maybe the hack is actually a smart way to masturbate and clean your penis at the same time. But that’s not the case, as BuzzFeed also suggests putting a condom on beforehand.

So isn’t this just a massive waste of good soap? Won’t this feel exactly like putting any other ring on your penis, because all the lathery fun is just going on the surface of a condom?

(Picture: BuzzFeed Motion Pictures)

Won’t the ring get wider and less satisfying the more you rub your dick against it? Doesn’t this require loads more effort than just masturbating with a lubed up hand? Can’t you just buy a goddamn vajankle and be done with this madness?

Honestly, I can’t think of a more miserable pre-masturbation ritual* than spending ten minutes hacking a jagged hole in a bar of soap and testing it for size every few minutes with your penis.

The whole thing will get even more sad after you’ve ejaculated (if, indeed, you’re able to get off by f***ing a bar of soap), when you have to choose between throwing your lathered up cock ring in the bin or saving it for tomorrow’s shower.

This is what 2016 has led to. This is what the men of the world deserve.