Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I found this on Zhoen's blog and I liked it so I stole it to answer for myself. Lately I haven't had much to say or post that isn't just a rant about being busy or school or what have you...so this seemed the right thing.

1.If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? if you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously so that you could be anonymous now?I am. It allows me to vent and rant. Some people know who I am by choice, but it keeps the majority of my family and coworkers away…I don't want to offend them., and quite frankly some of it is none of their business. I try to never say anything spiteful or mean, but sometimes I just need to blab about whatever, and not worry about my family asking me stuff about my blog. My dad doesn't even own a computer so I don't have to worry about him! My husband very rarely reads it…he’s not a blogger or a facebooker type. I leave out when I’m going away on long trips so that I’m not advertising my vacant home or too much personal info for stalkers or would-be-robbers…it’s an odd balance, but I think I’ve found it for me.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.I can’t think of a specific event (I'm sure J can!), but I know I am notorious for thinking I can do something through sheer force of will. Sometimes I will try and do too many things, because I think I can do anything with hard work and a little help. Often I get myself into impossible situations where I try and fix something…even tho a little voice in my head tells me it likely won’t work. The thing is, a very rare time it actually does…which just fuels me on.

3. What do you really see when you look at yourself in the mirror?Just me. I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. Now when I look in the mirror I smile back. I like who I’ve become. It’s a really cool place to be...whatever I am :)

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?Beer…preferably an ale…and a margarita is good too. I love a cold beer on a hot day. I wouldn't turn down an ice cold Coke Zero with lime either.

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?Bake or cook usually. It totally unwinds me. I also like to read comics and listen to music. Simple mental diversions. Currently, with my life being really busy, my morning workout times are my time to think things through and sweat out my stress. It helps immensely.6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in your life?There are still places in the world I want to see: India. Japan. Africa. Egypt. I want to spend time hiking through the mountains and national parks of North America. Ride a horse through the Indian countryside. Ride a camel in the desert. I want to swim in the coral reefs before they’re gone. I’d love to try and surf…not sure if I could, but it would be fun to try. And I’d love to go down in a deep sea submersible…it would be amazing.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? At first I ditched a lot because I had no focus. No drive…I didn’t know what I was there for altho I felt obligated to use my brain because I knew I was smart. Once I got some focus I was the shy person…the one there to learn. Smiling. Getting it done and helping others.

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?One night in the middle of my life falling apart where I sat and figured out just what I needed and wanted in my life…where I wanted it to go. I sat out on the dock at Little Bear Lake and watched the cloudless sky grow dark and the stars come out one by one. I listened to the Orb Ultraworld and counted satellites and comets and saw the milky way. I made wishes and dreams. I felt an inner strength and confidence I’d never had before…and knew that whatever happened next I would be OK.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people or events?It is easy to share myself most days. Writing out my thoughts frees me up. I respect the wishes of a few people close to me as far as their concerns for privacy, but I like to write whatever pops into my head. I’m always amused people actually bother to read it…I figure if people don't want to read it they don't have to.

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?Read. Definitely. I’m terrible on the phone…even with J. I'm even worse on the phone than I am at making conversation in person. I am the sort to listen and watch. I’m starting to understand the allure of texting. Communication without awkward silences :)

Monday, January 24, 2011

Current mood: Tired but happy. Took a quick holiday weekend away to Edmonton to get away, visit some friends and dance and relax. It was a nice quick getaway.

Current music: Coldplay, Death and all his Friends

Current annoyance: Losing mittens. Once again I've lost a mitten on the way to work. It was my favourite old pair of hand knitted mittens lined with fleece. I'll have to find another pair this weekend. I thought I was doing so well this year and hadn't lost any yet. I knew it was too good to be true.

Current thing: Trying to get back into the work school groove. It's tricky...things are different and it's not quite settled yet. And admittedly, I just haven't been working as hard as I really should yet. It'll come...

Current desktop picture: A woman playing ukulele on the moon

Current book: Most recent book was the Ansansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. I suspect it will be my last "for fun" book until the semester is done. Current ones include weighty tomes about wuality laboratory control...Current song in head: "but that was when I ruled the woooooorld....". Viva La Vida. Coldplay. It's on right now.

Current worry: How to get caught up on my project stuff and move forward with things. It's sort of at a lull where I need to get everything pulled together and it's a bit like herding cats.Current thought: I wonder if some nice fairy will come and clean my home today while I'm gone. By the time I finish work, work out and get home and make supper and do homework I bet it won't get done...pity. Time to start making lists again I suppose. *sigh*

Have a wonderful day everyone. I'm going to dive in and see what happens. :)

Friday, January 21, 2011

I admit it -sometimes exercise can be dull. I enjoy most of what I do in my morning workouts, but when my knee flares up and the pool (grrr) still isn't open after repairs, I'm often delegated to 30 minutes on the exercise bike for some cardio. Some days it's all good. Often the news will be on the gym TV. Maybe a cooking show, the Sopranos or even (squee!) the Golden Girls.Occasionally, like this morning, I'll really be bored and want something to keep me occupied while I pedal that doesn't involve talking to the creepy guy on the bike next to me and the TV's have all been reset to (sigh) sports. Then I dive into the gym's drawer of free "fitness" and "health" magazines to read while pedalling away. I find it makes other people uncomfortable if I spend my time watching them workout, so I figured it would be a decent entertainment.The more I read them, the more I realize - boy was I wrong. I think my brain actually shrinks ever so slightly as I read them...I'd have probably been better off reading regular crap publications like Vanity Fair. At least I'd know what I was in for...

-Exercises that supposedly sculpt the perfect abs/ass performed by models with minimal muscles-How high intensity interval training is an exciting new concept that wil lchange my life (yes it's good, but seriously...I know already)-How diets and diet pills are bad - but oh hey what's advertised on the next page? Grrrr-insipid articles about how some famous person with a decent body works out and eat's healthy - "they're just like us!" *sigh*-How I need to lose 10 Lbs.-How I can lose 10 lbs. In a week. By eating *insert new wonder food here*-Healthified recipes that might taste good...but most of them are just basics that you'd already know how to make if you cooked anything at all from scratch. And some of them would not taste good. I don't care if it's healthy -if you can't really cook to start with, don't be mucking with recipes to make them bland.-"sexy" bedroom tips. This also amuses and saddens me. A - how is this fitness related? and B -Maybe I've just got it going on at home but really - do you need to tell people obvious things to do in bed? Is it not fun for you already (you should try harder >;) )? Apparently I am a freak for getting it on a lot as it appears they think most magazine readers are grasping for any mojo action. I've gotta tell you - nothing makes you feel more sexy than being healthy and in shape. I'm not kidding....just work your own mojo people :)-Inspiring weight loss stories. OK this part isn't so bad. I do like to read about other people getting healthy. It's part of what I like about the Internet - the instant online support in getting healthy and losing weight. What bugs me is the photos. The attitude in most of the articles that this person was less before they were thin. Come on people...shame is never the proper instructional tool.OK soap box away.I'm just a bit annoyed at the state of the health and fitness media.I find it increasingly difficult in my quest to be healthy to get good, true and accurate information on healthy living, weightlifting and exercise that isn't filled with "we're all girls together gosh golly gee" crap or that I'm somehow invalid if I am not stick thin, or can run an Iron Man.Maybe it's the scientist thing. I don't like being pandered to or treated like a fluffy headed bint.Just give me facts.

I am hopeful - I have a book by Rachel Cosgrove about weightlifting and fitness training that I got as a Xmas gift, that should give me some ideas and tips about where to go next with this whole fitness thing. It's been recommended to me by healthy fit people that I would be very happy emulating. I'm hoping it will give me some useful information and keep me from injuring myself.As for the magazines? Well...lets just say I'm not going to get a subscription to anything anytime soon.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

It's a balmy -33 C out this morning. With the windchill it's a mere -43!

Yes, it's supposed to warm up tonight to slightly more civil temperatures but holy whackadoo, that's cold. Our car is at J's work plugged in because it wasn't when he tried to go home yesterday without it being plugged in it wouldn't start...even after a few hours of being plugged in it was still a brick. Here's hoping it does start today after being plugged in all night...

I must say that I do enjoy taking the bus in this weather. I can wrap up like a sausage and no scraping or driving (or crashing, ahem) for me...just sitting with my tunes or podcast all toasty warm and stress free.

Even the gym near the windows was cold this morning working out. I picked the machines furthest from the wall...Sheesh.

I know this level of cold doesn't last but it always amazes me that we go abut out daily lives.

I'm crossing my fingers for a warming up soon...

And it's made me think about these guys again. I always *almost* order one of these every winter in this stupid cold phase, since I've no hope of ever making one...This year I may be the year...:)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's bizarre, but there is someone on campus that looks remarkably like my friend Trent. It's eerie. I thought it was just me, but Magnus has seen the guy too and he agrees. It's more than a double take. I know, since Trent lives in BC, that it isn't him, and it looks like him about 5 years ago (different hair and glasses now) but it's really eerie to see someone you think you know walking around who completely ignores you.I'd be so excited to learn there was a clone of me walking around the city too. I'd be so curious to meet her. And would I think she looked like me? I wonder. People have told me in the past I look like Neve Campbell...I don't quite see it, but it's a flattering comparison.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Well I'm back.Thank frog.This weekend was strange. I enjoyed it but it was harder than I thought.Dad and I worked our asses off...all friday night packing and sorting and 14 hours saturday packing and sorting. Sunday...3 more hours before I finally headed home with a purple van FULL of stuff. But we got the majority of the whole house packed and sorted. Dad just has a few remainders left that he can definitely do on his own.I am so very glad I went. I walked into the house to see my Dad surrounded by *stuff* and he looked up at me, his lip quivering...he simply said "I'm so glad you're here" and hugged me, bursting into tears. And then and there I was glad I was there. For him and for me. I knew it was the place I should be.

Together we packed up 30 odd years of their life...sorting. I think that was the weirdest part for Dad. The sheer amount of things to sort through. How does one decide what to keep? It was so hard to not feel guilty when we put something in the box for Sally Ann with a memory attached...or threw it out. In the end there is a lot to give away, some to keep. I have 3 or 4 boxes of things that matter to me and I brought back a box or so for all us kids to go thru sometime, and a few things for my brother. The reader's digest condensed version of our lives sorted into a few small boxes.

The local school that was closed has been turned into a community centre. There's a little cafe now. We ate there while we worked to save time(nothing says grease like 3 diner meals in one day...blech!). I saw a few people I haven't seen in a long time...

The weather this weekend was evil. Icy cold with wind and snowing the whole time. The roads down going home were not too bad, but coming home they were not good...quite icy in patches. In the city the roads were skating rinks. I was so relieved to be back in the city, safe with my purple boat full of heavy things...and then a block from my brothers I attempted to turn a corner and the van and ice decided I should keep right on going into a snowbank. Very disconcerting...but no one else was around thankfully. Not a huge thing... I was not going very fast and I was not hurt although at the end of an emotional weekend and a 3 hour icy highway drive it was not the way I wanted to end things. Unfortunately the front corner of the bumper is crunchied from hitting the icy drift so that is $$ I'd rather not spend, but I'm grateful to have made it home on those roads. I managed to unload my brother's gear (after he and a few other kind souls helped get me out of the snowbank near his house). I then went home to sob with J for a bit over all I'd been through and let the adrenaline filter out of my toes...and finally felt home. Where I belong. Where I feel safe. A few hugs, some coffee and chinese takeaway and I was myself again. Finally.

I am grateful about this weekend though. I got to say goodbye to my old home. I got to see a lot of things from my childhood I thought were gone. There were a few things that Mum kept from long before my time that both I and Dad have never seen. And most of all - to be there for Dad. I am so lucky to have a wonderful Dad and to know I can help him. To know that he needs me...I could not have refused. I think I'll always remember the look on his face when I drove away. He watched me all the way down the block, waving as I turned onto the highway...smiling sadly. He and I knowing it was the last time...after so many times...that he and I would do this ritual at that spot.So very strange.And I'm glad to be home. My home. Full of all my memories and hopes and dreams and that guy I can share them with.Hopefully the in-laws won't be too annoyed I crunchied up their van fender. I have to call and tell them today. Ah well...I'll get it fixed as soon as I can. I agree with J...it's just money. We'll figure it out. I'm fine and that's what matters.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

This weekend I'm heading out to my old house to help my Dad pack it all up.It's very strange, but someone actually made an offer on my childhood home. I grew up in a tiny village (OK technically hamlet) of 300 people, and my parents spent most of their time since they retired up at the cabin, so they weren't home much anymore. The house is fine - nothing fancy, and very cozy and was all ours. It was an old 1908 war time house that Dad slowly renovated room by room over the years. Thing is, there's not a real rush of people wanting to move into my home town, so Dad figured a nice offer on the house should be accepted, as it's not likely to happen again. It's a bit sooner than feels completely comfortable since he was thinking about waiting a year or so to see how he felt before trying to sell the house, but it's fair offer for a binky little town, so he decided to accept. In the end I think it is a good thing - he gets quite lonely there when he's home now that Mum is gone...being all alone in a tiny town in the winter can really make a person miserable when you're just AOK, so this is, I think a blessing in disguise. He gets to sort through everything now while he's healthy and of a clear mind instead of us all wading through it years from now under very different circumstances.The new buyers will keep whatever furniture and stuff Dad doesn't want, which makes it easier, but there is still the attic and basement storage to go thru. Over 30 years of life...My brother and I went out in April to go most of Mum's things, but this weekend I'm heading up to help Dad sort through all the rest of the things he won't need. The thing is, the cabin is already set with the basics and furniture that he'll need - and he's simple guy. So he and I will to sort through what to keep and what to give away and pack it all up so the people can move in in Feb. Some I'll take, but most will be given away to the Salvation Army or other community groups for people who can use them.It's strange - maybe I'll feel different once I get there, but this isn't bothering me as much as I thought it would. Admittedly it will be very strange knowing I can't go home anymore...but I think that time is past. Time to move on I guess. I just want what is best for my Dad...and this really is the best thing when you think about it.I know my brother is rather uncomfortable with the whole idea so he doesn't want to be involved. I don't mind. J has to work, so it'll just be me and Dad, and I'm actually looking forward to it. I like helping Dad and I can use my new Amazon muscles to help him go through things and keep him from lifting too much. He's done so much for me it's the least I can do. And I like going through things...it makes some people very sad, but I get a real sense of comfort out of it all. I'll get the chance to emotionally pack up and say by to my childhood home and keep the odd memorial thing -I'm glad for that.Here's to a nice weekend with no snow for safe travels so we can get things done.Cheers!

Monday, January 10, 2011

I just don't get all the hype over Girl Talk.I heard about him a few years ago and got excited - someone remixing and doing mashups. Great. I love that stuff. But the thing is...he's not the only person to do that, although the way the world hypes him up you'd think he was the first. Some of his mash ups are pretty cool, but I'm thinking his appeal has to be more of the "ooh ooh I know that song!" thing happening throughout the album. People like the familiar. And it's built to dance to...I get that too. It's ass shaking stuff for sure. The thing is, KLF did this 20 years ago. Friends of mine can do it off the cuff on the turntables. Done very well it's a real treat to hear. I just don't like how he's doing it.

The thing is, I don't mind the tunes...some of the mash ups are downright brilliant. But for me my big beef that I really can't ignore is this: the lyrics. I'm going to sound old and curmudgeonly, but after listening to the whole new Girl Talk album to give it a fair listening to I have heard enough "niggers" titties" "ass"s and "whore"s to last me for years. I've heard about angst and how they all might pop a cap in my ass...or how they want to shoot me or lay me down and do X,Y and Z to me (oh baby yeah). I just don't need that in my music. I like to shake my ass with the best of them...but I don't like music that is so overtly sexual or misogynistic that I feel uncomfortable. I don't like when people are objects or when others wallow in their lust or anger. Do that at home. Not in my stereo.If he remixed with 75% less whores I'd be all up ins. As it is, I have to applaud him for his beat matching and mash up skills, but I won't be listening to it again, even to workout to. Sure I could tune out the lyrics...but they creep in your head. They get in there. And soon all those things would be in my head filling in nooks and crannies with negative crap...I like to choose the smut that enters my head thanks :)I'll have to keep on looking for new tunes...

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Those are now the 4 most hated words around for me. Right up there with "we don't have a button for that".

Last night at the end of the day I pulled some vials of cancer cells from our 30L storage liquid nitrogen tanks to grow them up for my MSc and when I went to put the rack back in, it wasn't quite secure...causing 5 racks of tubes to come loose and float in the tank...so it couldn't be closed and they couldn't go back in. The only way to fix it (because if you took out any of the other 5 racks to try and put the stuff out that won't go back in in THEM *they* wouldn't go back in either) is to dump out the tank remove the OK boxes in racks and shake out all the loose stuff, reassemble into boxes as it should be put it all back in the tank and then refill it. This is not a huge deal - more of an inconvenience. It happens the odd time. This particular tank holds a bank of cancer tumours cells and research cultures from many years of work (including my MSc) and was invaluable. If they all thawed out they would be ruined. I could be fired. Grants would be lost. Years of research (and months of my MSc) would be reduced to ash.

Fucksticks indeed.

So, yeah. Needless to say I had to fix it. The usual way to do this only only takes about 5 minutes, and then you refill the tank again from our 100L nitrogen tank in the loading dock. It's subzero so I can leave the boxes outside for the few moments they are in the air. The problem was....when I went to refill my tank from the big tank, it only had 8L in it. GAH! So the samples were only OK in the tank for a few hours. At 5:30 on a friday I had to find a way to get 30 L of liquid nitrogen delivered to me. Heh. Yeah.Of course the place we get it from was closed for the weekend and ALL of their after hours and emergency contacts didn't work. I call everyone I could think of from work who might know of where to get some here on campus...no luck. Finally I called, in desperation, the other company in the city who supplies the hospitals with gases and after a bit of wrangling with purchasing managed to convince them they could come help me. As my luck would have it, THEIR evening delivery truck was already out on a delivery. So (because they rock) they in the goodness of their hearts came to me with a pickup, took MY tank to their facility and filled it up and brought it back to me in an hour. Sure they're charging for late night delivery, but I don't care. I fixed it. I'd pay them myself if I had to. Averted utter disaster. I think. ~2.5 hours after it all began it was over.

Then when I tried to call J to pick me up (who was initially waiting in the car for me but went home) our home phone didn't work. We finally hooked up by email and by 9PM I was at home devouring a BLT sub and trying to unwind. But after all that...I couldn't really. I was mentally exhausted....done. After food we just chilled and went to sleep. NOT the nice evening together we had planned at all, but it was what it was.

I think I saved the day. Nothing thawed. I'm culturing up some cell lines monday just to check...but man. What an evening. I'm making up emergency protocols...because this situation has never happened before on campus. Lucky me. And it won't happen again to anyone else either. I will make it so. Because it was not fun...

And (joy) I am back in the lab today on a saturday scanning slides on the VM scanner for my MSc now that it has been repaired. I had problems with it at first as well, but finally I am getting things done. Being a good little scientist. Not really amused with it after last night, but it's getting done...

Thankfully Dad flies back from visiting my sister today so I'm going to meet him at the airport with my brother and spend the evening with him before he goes home. Poor J has to work all day so I'm just trying to get stuff done. Tomorrow hopefully we can hide from the world and have the date we planned for yesterday. The tightly coiled spring in my brain may have actually unwound by then.Maybe. Here's hoping.

Friday, January 07, 2011

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Lately I've been a bit miffed at one of the doctors I work with. She is going thru a bit of a mid-life thing and is a bit insecure...and it shows. She's late 40s (and looks great I may say) and lately has gotten an eye lift and some new clothes and recently gotten divorced too, which I'm sure isn't helping things (or maybe it is, who knows?).Over the last 4-5 months I have really seriously focused on working out with weights and eating very healthily and, if I may be so bold to say it, it shows. I look great (I think) I'm not perfect by any means, but for me, I'm happy as I am. I have recently got clothing that fits my new fit frame and take pride in how I look now. I am confident. Strong.

And this doctor, LITERALLY every single damn time I see her comments on how "oh dear you *have* to stop now. Really, you're going to get too thin and it's not healthy. Just how *do* you do all that?". In front of others. Anyone. Sometimes it is awkward for them too...And I patiently reply (for the 2 zillionth time) that I am eating healthily and working out with weights 5 days a week and I am very healthy, thanks. At first it was a compliment. Now it feels like either jealousy or like she's resentful or something. A few people have offered the odd compliment to me, but after a while it's just her and for a few weeks it actually had me concerned. I checked with my doctor and people I trust and asked them if I was going too far. They assured me that no, I am fine as I am - it's just a very dramatic change in how I look and feel. To be fair, we do have someone in our department who came down with an eating disorder last year and we all watched him shrink to rather skeletal size before he was convinced to get some help with his diet and compulsive exercise, so at first I thought she was just concerned for me, thinking I might be on the same path he was. It was scary to watch him. We are glad he's doing better.But really. I'm not like that. I'm just trying to be healthy. The best me I can be. Instead of wondering what I'd feel like if I did this I'm just doing it and feeling it. Seeing as this lady is technically my boss, I still smile and answer the same way when she says these comments (she did again today...sigh) but I want to understand just why she is so bothered. I am not sure how to tell her to shut up about it already without being rude. I've tried polite. I've tried informative. And truly -I now resent the comparison. I've spent most of my entire life getting negative comments on my appearance because I *wasn't* fit and now that I am I am still getting some? WTF? Seriously. Does this sh*t not ever stop?I just want to be a great me...Uberfrau. And I am.So there.Nyeah.

Ah don't listen to me. I'm a bit off today.The thing is, 1 year ago today I watched my Mum breathe her last breath and said good bye to her. I'm a little sensitive right now. At work I walk right by the elevator up to the ward room that was (and to me still is) hers. I see her doctor. Sometimes, if I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a cute little woman, I see her. But just for a moment.I wish I could just give her a hug. Celebrate my grades with her. Have a cup of tea and look thru her latest batch of photos. Cringe at one of her loudly embroidered sweaters...smell her perfume.I miss her. Today more than most for whatever reason.

Perhaps I'll just go have a cup of coffee and see how the rest of the day goes...

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

I've been downright hermity from this blog, but I was making the most of my time away. Honest.

After so much insanity I had 10 days off.

Glorious.

Christmas was rather mellow and lovely. Received some new kitchen gadgets to play with and had lots of delicious food and mulled wine. I'm all stocked up on naps in the sun, banana daiquiris, eggnog and ginger cookies, pancakes (my new fave is lemon poppy seed...heaven), dancing, movie watching, reading and general slothfulness. New years was a great Tron themed dance party with friends on a quick zip away to Edmonton. I even managed to recover my tattered old favourite blanket with some new soft material and then snuggled under it for days watching movies...

Fantastic. :)

I sorely wish I didn't have to come back to reality, but I'm ready I think.

I can already feel the exercise boost after many days away...and it's a whole new year. 2011! New things to try. Work to do. Booty to shake. So many mad schemes to hatch.

What I'm doing in my head ALL THE TIME

About Me

I'm a nice person. No really, I am.
I'm definitely not trying to create a monster in my lab and I'm definitely not working on a cure for cancer...Well....OK maybe. After kicking breast cancer's ass I got back to mad science -maybe my research will help cure cancer some day...the monster thing just sounds more cool...if being a scientist can be said to be cool...umm...
hey what's that over there?
(whoosh!)