These are select entries from "Motorcycle Wit & Wisdom" which is available at Simon and Shuster.

RIDE AS THOUGH YOU ARE INVISIBLE.

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE RIDE, NOT THE DESTINATION.

CHROME WON'T GET YOU HOME BUT YOU'LL SURE LOOK GOOD PUSHING IT THERE.

SADDLEBAGS CAN NEVER HOLD EVERYTHING YOU WANT, BUT THEY CAN HOLD EVERYTHING YOU NEED.

SADDLEBAGS OR NOT. WOMEN DO KNOW ABOUT DROP-SHIPPING.

THE METAL THAT SURROUNDS YOU IN A CAR WILL PROTECT YOU FROM LIGHTNING. NOT SO ON A MOTORCYCLE. HAVE YOUR CO-RIDER STAND ON THE PEGS WHEN RIDING IN A STORM TO LESSEN THE CHANCE THAT THE DRIVER WILL TAKE A DIRECT HIT. WHAT?, GET INSIDE A BUILDING OR UNDER AN OVERPASS? HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.

GO TO THE TAIL OF THE DRAGON. PARK ON ONE OF THE TURN-OUTS. SIT THERE AND POINT A HAIR-DRYER AT OTHER BIKERS AS THEY PASS AND SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

ONLY BIKERS UNDERSTAND WHY DOGS LOVE TO STICK THEIR HEADS OUT THE CAR WINDOW.

SOME BIKERS ENJOY THE ANONYMITY OF MOTORCYCLING. ONCE THE HELMET AND EYE PROTECTION ARE ON ALMOST ALL YOUR PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS DISAPPEAR. I STILL KNOW A GUY FROM A GIRL, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REAL BIKER WHEN: YOUR BIKE IS CLEANER THAN YOU ARE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT WEARING SHORTS ON A MOTORCYCLE WAS WRONG BUT ONLY FROM A FASHION SENSE NOT SAFETY. MOST RIDERS WEAR SLACKS. ANY PROTECTION OFFERED IS VERY NOMINAL HERE AS WELL.

RIGHT-HAND CURVES ALWAYS HAVE MORE GRAVEL ON THE PAVEMENT THAN LEFT-HAND CURVES

IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR MOTEL CHECKS, WRITE: “FOR SEXUAL FAVORS”.

“ROAD RASH” ISN’T EASILY TREATED. THE E.R. STILL USES A NYLON BRUSH TO SCRUB THE DIRT, DEBRIS AND GRAVEL FROM YOUR EXPOSED FLESH. NO LOCAL ANESTHESIA IS USED. I KNOW.

OTHER PEOPLE WILL JUDGE ALL BIKERS BY THE ACTIONS OF ONE, SO IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

SOMETIMES IT CAN TAKE A FULL TANK OF GAS BEFORE YOU ARE WELL IN TO YOUR FULL CONSCIENCE OF SAFETY, RELAXATION AND OPTIMUM SENSORY INPUT.

IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM AT THE FRONT, REAR AND SIDES OF YOUR BIKE WHETHER RIDING OR NOT.

THAT SAFETY SPACE IN FRONT OF THE BIKER WE LIKE TO CALL "ASSURED CLEAR DISTANCE" WILL BE TAKEN AWAY BY A CAR OR SOMETHING BIGGER.

TRY TO SPEND AS LITTLE TIME AS POSSIBLE BESIDE ANY VEHICLE ON A MULTI-LANE HIGHWAY.

VEHICLES TEND TO RUN IN PACKS ON THE INTERSTATE. STAY BETWEEN THE PACKS.

A GOOD RIDER HAS BALANCE, JUDGMENT AND GOOD TIMING. JUST LIKE A GOOD LOVER.

GIVE AMPLE BERTH WHEN RIDING BEHIND ANIMAL TRAILERS, ESPECIALLY, HORSE TRAILERS. WHEN THE HORSES PEE, THE URINE GOES STRAIGHT TO THE PAVEMENT WHERE IT CREATES A MIST AND GIVES YOU A GOLDEN SHOWER. NO, I'M NOT SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE.

ROADS THAT SEEM TO NEVER END, ALWAYS DO.

YOU CAN OFTEN SPOT AN AVID RIDER BY LOOKING AT THEIR HANDS. THEIR ARMS AND HANDS ARE TAN BUT NOT THEIR FINGERS BECAUSE THEY ARE CURLED AROUND THE GRIPS WHERE THEY GET LITTLE SUN. OF COURSE, PEOPLE WITH BIG LAWNS OFTEN HAVE THE SAME TANS.

WHENEVER YOU STOP, BE SURE TO NOT PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN ON OIL, GAS, SAND, SILT, LEAVES, POOP ETC.

RECENTLY READ AN ARTICLE THAT RECOMMENDED HAVING ONE FOOT ON THE GROUND AT A STOP. ARE THEY NUTS? READ THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE. PUT’EM BOTH DOWN, THEY’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

WHEN RIDING WITH CHRISTIAN BIKERS, FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH: “IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY“.

WINTER IS NATURES WAY OF TELLING YOU TO CLEAN AND POLISH.

YOUR BIKE WILL ALWAYS BE BUGGIER ON THE RIGHT SIDE. THE LEFT SIDE IN EUROPE. ONLY FULL-DRESS BIKERS SEEM TO KNOW THIS.

SOME BIG STREET BIKE PIPES ARE SO LOUD THAT THEY SET OFF CAR ALARMS ALONG THE WAY. TRUE

IT'S BETTER TO START YOUR BIKE OUTSIDE WHERE YOU STORE IT. THE SPENT OIL/GAS FROM THE EXHAUST WILL SETTLE ON YOUR MOTORCYCLE.LOOKS LIKE FOG ON YOUR WINDSHIELD.

O.K. HOT-SHOT, POP QUIZ. YOUR ON A FOUR-LANE STREET. YOU WANT TO MAKE A LEFT TURN AND THE NICE GUY IN THE NEAREST, BACKED-UP, OPPOSITE TRAFFIC LANE MAKES A SPACE FOR YOU TO CROSS-OVER. DO YOU WAVE A THANKS AND CROSS-OVER OR DO YOU MAKE A DECLINE WAVE AND WAIT? ANSWER: DECLINE AND WAIT. WHY?..THE NICE GUY OFTEN DOESN'T OR CAN'T WARN YOU ABOUT THE ON-COMING TRAFFIC TO THE RIGHT OF HIM AND INVISIBLE TO YOU. IF YOU CROSS-OVER, YOU COULD GET KILLED, AND, LITERALLY CROSS-OVER. NEVER ACCEPT THIS GESTURE. WAIT FOR TOTAL VISIBILITY OF ON-COMING TRAFFIC.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REAL BIKER WHEN YOU REFER TO YOUR DOO AS “HELMET HAIR, HEAD ETC.” “HAIR BY HONDA, HARLEY ETC.”

YOU KNOW THAT SOME BRIDGES HAVE STEEL GRID-WORK AND NOT PAVEMENT. JUST KEEP-UP YOUR SPEED AND STEER AS STRAIGHT AS POSSIBLE. SLOWING-DOWN DOES NOT HELP.

IT’S SUCH A SHAME THAT MOST OF US MUST SELL MUCH OF OUR LIFETIME TO SOMEONE ELSE IN ORDER TO HAVE A LITTLE OF IT FOR OUR OWN USE.

GO AHEAD AND WAVE AT OTHER BIKES COMING TOWARD YOU BUT DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT THEM. YOU CAN LOSE YOUR FOCUS. HAVE SEEN A COUPLE BIKE REAR-ENDERS AS A RESULT. THIS IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT WHEN RIDING IN A GROUP.

WHAT! DEER WHISTLES STARTLE DEERS INTO RUNNING? OH, WELL JUST GREAT!

IT'S A NICE IDEA TO WAVE TO COPS, STATE POLICE, FIRE-FIGHTERS, FARMERS, SCHOOL BUS DRIVERS AND THE AMISH. THE AMISH ARE DYING TO GET ON ONE OF THESE THINGS!

IN RURAL W. VIRGINIA YOU CAN RIDE THROUGH 5 OR 6 TOWNS IN LESS THAN A MILE. SEEMS THEY NEED TO NAME EVERY LITTLE WIDE SPOT IN THE ROAD.

NEVER RIDE OUTSIDE YOUR SKILL LEVEL. IF YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH WHAT YOU ARE DOING. YOU ARE OUTSIDE YOUR LIMITS.

REALLY, THERE ARE THOSE WHO DIDN'T KNOW THEIR RIGHT FROM THEIR LEFT ON A MOTORCYCLE UNTIL SOMEBODY TOLD THEM TO "SIT ON IT".

NEVER TRY TO KEEP UP WITH MORE EXPERIENCED RIDERS. PUSHING YOURSELF LEADS TO STRESS AND STRESS LEADS TO MISTAKES.

BIRDS DON'T HAVE SPHINCTER MUSCLES. PROBABLY WOULDN'T USE THEM IF THEY DID.

WHEN BEING TAIL-GATED, EITHER SPEED-UP A BIT FOR DISTANCE OR PULL-OVER AND LET THEM PASS. THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS, SUCH AS, THE OLD SCHOOL "I'LL DROP A FEW BALL-BEARINGS TRICK".

WHEN RIDING THROUGH A CARRY-OUT, SPECIFY THAT YOUR ORDER IS “TO GO”.

WHERE THERE'S ONE DEER, THERE'S BOUND TO BE ANOTHER. (THE DEER SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT US). WHENEVER SAFE AND POSSIBLE, RIDE TO THE LEFT IN OVERGROWN OR WOODED AREAS. ESPECIALLY DURING RUTTING SEASON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT SEEMS EASIER TO AVOID A DEER THAN TO AVOID RUNNING OVER A DARTING CHIPMUNK. THE DARN THINGS CROSS, GO BACK AND CROSS AGAIN BEFORE YOU GET TO 'EM. I HATE MIND GAMES.

IN THE COAL MINING STATES YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT THE COAL DUST.IT CAN BE LIKE SILT, VERY FINE AND SLICK. IF YOU GET BEHIND A COAL TRUCK, THAT FINE DUST WILL CLING TO YOU AND YOUR BIKE.

IN INDIANA SOME LONG, STRAIGHT SECONDARY ROADS HAVE BERMS ALMOST AS WIDE AS A COMPLETE LANE. I’M, NOT SURE WHAT THE PRECISE INTENTION WAS BUT TWICE THEY PROVIDED ME A PLACE TO GO TO AVOID A HEAD-ON.

“OH, YEAH…FREEDOM, THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT ALLRIGHT. JUST DON’T EVER TELL ANYONE THEY’RE NOT FREE BECAUSE THAT’S WHEN THEY’LL GET ALL BUSY MAIMING AND KILLING TO PROVE TO YOU THAT THEY ARE.” Jack Nicholson Easy Rider 1969

SPEAKING OF HEAD-ONS, SOME STATES ARE PUTTING IN THOSE RUMBLE STRIPS YOU SEE AT THE EDGE OF THE ROADS DOWN THE MIDDLE AS WELL. GREAT IDEA!

ALWAYS MUCH TALK ABOUT TIRE MILEAGE BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS: BREAKING, RAPID DECELERATION, RAPID ACCELERATION, WEIGHT (TWO UP), TEMPERATURE, TIRE PRESSURE AND ROAD SURFACE ARE THE MAIN FACTORS NOT SO MUCH THE BRAND.

YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR TIRE MILEAGE AND DECREASE BREAK SYSTEM WEAR BY SIMPLY PLANNING AHEAD. GENTLY USE BOTH BREAKS SIMULTANEOUSLY AND ENGINE BREAK AT THE SAME TIME TO COME TO A CREEP OR COMPLETE STOP.

YES, WE BELIEVE THAT ARLEN NESS WAS CANONIZED BY THE POPE.

IF YOU HAVE TO PULL OVER AND NEED HELP, PUT YOUR HELMETS ON THE GROUND. MANY RIDERS (NOT ALL) RECOGNIZE THIS AS A SIGNAL FOR ASSISTANCE.

ALWAYS SWING OVER TO ASK IF A RIDER NEEDS ASSISTANCE WHETHER THE HELMETS ARE DOWN OR NOT.

REMEMBER TO PAY AS MUCH ATTENTION TO YOUR PARTNER AS YOU DO YOUR BIKE.

SOMETIMES THE BEST COMMUNICATION HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE ON A BIKE, ALONE OR OTHERWISE.

WHEN YOU ARE RIDING LEAD---DON'T SPIT.

IF YOUR SHADOW IS IN FRONT OF YOU, ASSUME THAT ON-COMING TRAFFIC CAN'T SEE YOU. (SEE THE VERY FIRST SENTENCE)

INTERSTATE CITY BY-PASSES ARE NOT SMOOTHER, SAFER, QUICKER OR PRETTIER ON A BIKE.

IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS NOTHING BUT A DARK, VAST VOID AND THEN THE LORD SAID "LET THERE BE LIGHT". THERE WAS STILL A VAST VOID, BUT YOU COULD SEE IT BETTER.

IF SHE CHANGES HER OIL MORE OFTEN THAN SHE CHANGES HER MIND. FOLLOW HER.

THERE'S SOMETHING DISTURBING ABOUT SEEING A NEW BIKE ON A TRAILER.

TRY TO USE BOTH FRONT AND REAR BREAKS EQUALLY. THERE ARE REAL PROS WHO CAN MAKE BOTH THE FRONT AND REAR TIRES "SQUEAL" SIMULTANEOUSLY IN A PINCH WITHOUT LOSING CONTROL…EXCEPT ABS.

IS THERE A LAW IN SOME COUNTIES THAT SAYS THERE MUST BE A SPEED BUMP EVERY 50 FEET? KA-CHUNK, KA-CHUNK, KA-CHUNK.

EVERYONE CRASHES. SOME GET BACK ON. SOME DON'T. SOME CAN'T.

IF SOMEONE CRASHES, DON'T ASK IF THEY ARE O.K. ASK THEM WHERE IT HURTS. RIDER'S OFTEN SAY THEY ARE O.K. AFTER A SPILL.

NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN RIDING, THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO LEARN.

THERE'S A ROUTE 666 IN OHIO "THE DEVIL'S ROAD". OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S NOT VERY NOTABLE. MADE A POINT TO RIDE IT ON 6/6/06. NO CURSE OTHER THAN DUNLOP DISEASE.

YOU'LL KNOW SHE LOVES YOU IF SHE OFFERS TO LET YOU RIDE HER BIKE. SHE'LL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE IF YOU DON'T.

NEVER FULLY TRUST ANYTHING FOR WHAT IT APPEARS. A GREEN LIGHT CAN BE GREEN IN BOTH DIRECTIONS. STILL OCCURS.

AIR WINGS WORK WONDERS. YOU CAN CONTROL THE DIRECTION AND AMOUNT OF WIND THAT HITS YOUR BODY PARTS OR DIRECT WIND TO NOT HIT YOU AT ALL, WHICH, IS REAL HANDY IN FREEZING CONDITIONS.

EVER SEE WALNUTS ON THE ROAD AND WONDER HOW THEY GOT THERE?

BED AND BREAKFAST'S CAN BE GREAT VALUES. WE STAYED AT ONE IN COLORADO AND WERE INVITED TO THE FAMILY JULY 4TH STEAK DINNER. WE PAID $55 TOTAL FOR TWO. ANOTHER IN SHIPSHEWANA, IND. WHICH INCLUDED A HUGE AMISH DINNER AT $60 FOR THE BOTH OF US.

THE MOST EXPERIENCED RIDERS ARE THOSE WHO STARTED OUT WITH SMALL BIKES AND DOUBLED EACH YEAR. 125cc-250cc-500cc-1000cc ETC.

THERE ARE DRUNK BIKERS. THERE ARE OLD BIKERS. THERE ARE NO OLD, DRUNK BIKERS.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE BIKER WHEN YOU MEASURE YOUR AGE IN “TREAD WEAR”.

THEY’RE PUTTING WHITE STROBES IN THE CENTER OF RED STOP LIGHTS. ANOTHER GREAT IDEA.

WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM “I WON, I WON!!!

TO MY KNOWLEDGE, AND, MANY WILL CONCUR. THERE AREN'T ANY BAD ROADS IN W. VIRGINIA. THE STATE EVEN PUBLISHES A COLORFUL MOTORCYCLE BROCHURE DETAILING SOME GREAT RIDES. THE BEST ARE IN POCAHONTAS COUNTY.

I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU MAY NEVER SEE ANYTHING QUITE AS FUNNY AS THE BIKER WHO PULLS UP TO A STOP, PAUSES BRIEFLY AND THEN FALLS OVER. BECAUSE HE FORGOT HE REMOVED THE SIDE CAR LAST WEEKEND. REMINDS US OF THE TRICYCLE GUY ON "LAUGH-IN".

WHEN BUYING A HELMET, IF YOU ASK PRICE, A BIKE DEALER WILL OFTEN ASK HOW MUCH YOUR HEAD IS WORTH. COMICAL BUT CORRECT.

TAKE-OFFS ARE OPTIONAL. STOPPING IS MANDATORY.

MANY KNOW THAT HARLEY DAVIDSON WAS ONCE OWNED BY A.M.F. BUT LESS KNOW WHEN IT WAS OWNED BY A JAPANESE COMPANY.

IF A LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD SAYS IT'S NOT O.K. TO DRIVE OVER A FLOODED ROAD, LISTEN, IT'S PROBABLY AN ANGEL. IF THE VOICE SAYS IT'S O.K. TO RIDE WITH BALD TIRES, DON'T LISTEN, IT'S PROBABLY THE DEVIL.

DO-RAGS OR SKULL CAPS DON'T LOOK GOOD ON ANYBODY NOT RIDING A HARLEY OR ANOTHER BRAND THAT LOOKS LIKE ONE. TIS' TRUE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.

MOST OF THE WOMEN WHO BARE THEIR BOOBS AT A RALLY, USUALLY HAVE THE KIND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE.

IS THERE ANY LAW, LOCAL, STATE OR FEDERAL THAT ADDRESSES THE WEARING OF CHAPS WITH NO PANTS? THERE OUGHTA BE.

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO DESIGN A BIKE BEVERAGE HOLDER THAT LOOKS LIKE IT BELONGS ON A BIKE. I MEAN WHILE THE BOTTLE IS IN IT. SOME HOLDERS FOLD-UP QUITE NICELY.

KNEW A FELLA WHO CRASHED UNCEREMONIOUSLY BECAUSE HE DIDN’T CHECK THE CLEARANCE FOR TURNING BETWEEN THE DRINK HOLDER AND THE GAS TANK.

O.K., SO YOU’VE FINALLY COME TO ACCCEPT THE HARLEY EDITION FORD TRUCK, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO A FORD EDITION HARLEY, YOU BALK A LITTLE.

TRAILERING A BIKE TO A RALLY IS O.K. IF WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM IS TOO COLD OR IF YOU ARE TAKING IT THERE TO SELL IT OR SHOW IT.

WOOLY BEAR CATTER PILLERS START TO CROSS THE ROADS IN FALL. TRY TO NOT MUSH THEM IF POSSIBLE. WE USE THEM TO PREDICT HOW LONG WINTER WILL BE. THE LENGTHIER THE BROWN BETWEEN THE BLACK, THE LENGTHIER THE WINTER.

IF YOU GO INTO A MOTEL AND THE DESK CLERK APPEARS TO BE FROM INDIA. ADDRESS HIM/HER AS MR/MRS "PATEL", YOU CAN PROBABLY GET A DISCOUNT. "PATEL" IS A TITLE NOT A NAME IN INDIA.

A RAINCOAT IS YOUR SECOND MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF EQUIPMENT (TO STAY DRY, TO STAY WARM OR BOTH).

NEVER SAY "HEY Y'ALL, WATCH THIS!" WHILE RIDING A BIKE.

SOME LIGHTS ON MY BIKE ARE TECHNICALLY ILLEGAL FOR STREET USE. STROBES, L.E.D.s-N-SUCH. KEY VISIBILITY IS WHAT I WANT. TROOPERS TOLD ME IT'S UP TO THE INDIVIDUAL TROOPER, BUT, DON'T HAVE THEM HARD-WIRED. I HAVE A SWITCH AT MY THUMB TO DISENGAGE THEM BEFORE THE LOCALS OR STATE SEES 'EM.

HEADLIGHT MODULATORS ARE GREAT FOR GETTING ATTENTION. NOW LEGAL IN ALL STATES. CAGERS, HOWEVER WILL STILL OCCASSIONALLY PULL OVER THINKING YOU WANT THEM TO.

ANNOUNCED IN 2006 THAT MOTORCYCLE STATE PATROL ARE RETURNING TO SOME STATES THAT HAD THEM PREVIOUSLY. “MOTORMEN”, THOSE GUYS AND MOTORS LOOK GREAT!

STROBES ARE VERY HANDY IN GETTING DRIVERS TO TAKE A SECOND LOOK BEFORE PULLING IN FRONT OF YOU. ESSENTIAL IN EARLY MORNING FOG, RAIN AND MOUNTAIN RIDING. THEY WILL ATTRACT A DRIVERS EYES. EVEN THEIR PERIPHERAL VISION. MOUNT THEM WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE THEM.

THANK GOD FOR CHAPS, ALL THE BRIARS, TUMBLE WEEDS AND BRUSH WERE SCRAPING ME UP SOMETHIN' FIERCE!

THE BIKE PASSENGER ALWAYS GETS OFF FIRST AND THE DRIVER GETS ON FIRST. THAT WASN'T NECESSARY TO SAY WAS IT?

SLICK AS OIL IS THAT LIGHT BROWN SILT WASHED ACROSS A ROAD AFTER A HEAVY RAIN, THE TAR USED TO SEAL ROAD CRACKS (ROAD SNAKES) AND PAINTED CENTERLINES.

THOSE MAGNETS THEY SELL TO SUPPOSEDLY MAKE A RED LIGHT TURN GREEN QUICKER, WORK AT LEAST AS WELL AS DEER WHISTLES. AMERICA, YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING!

WHY DO SOME BIKERS WEAR WHAT APPEARS TO BE POLKA OR SQUARE DANCE OUTFITS?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LOGGING TRUCK AND A TOUR BIKE. THE LOGGING TRUCK NEEDS ALL IT'S LIGHTS.

THE WEIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LOGGING TRUCK AND A TOUR BIKE IS ABOUT 60 POUNDS AND ONE TEDDY BEAR.

NEVER RIDE BEHIND A HILLBILLY TRUCK WITH NO TAILGATE AND LOTSA JUNK IN THE BACK.

IF YOU EAT AT WAFFLE HOUSE BE SURE TO HOLLER "HELLO!" TO ALL THE WORKERS. THEY WILL HOLLER RIGHT BACK.

WHERE YOU CAN'T FIND A WAFFLE HOUSE, YOU MAY FIND A HUDDLE HOUSE. THEY'RE ABOUT THE SAME THING, BUT, WITHOUT THE HOLLERING.

IF YOU RUN INTO A YOUNG FELLA WITH A "JOE DIRT" HAIRCUT BE POLITE BUT KEEP ON MOVIN'

BE VERY CAREFUL RIDING IN THE VICINITY OF ANYONE DRIVING BUICK CARS. I WON'T ELABORATE.

O.K, O.K. I’LL SAY IT. SOMEBODY HAS TO. TO SOME WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT LOW TIRE MILEAGE: COULD IT BE THAT TWO-UP RIDING WITH A COMBINED WEIGHT OF MORE THAN 500 LBS. BE A FACTOR?

YES, WE BELIVE THAT THE FIRST CAR WAS CREATED WHEN CARL BENZ NAILED TWO MOTOCYCLES TOGETHER.

MANY RIDING CLUBS PROVIDE SAFETY TIPS, COURSES AND SO ON. HARDLY ANY TEACH THE DANGERS OF RIDING. THEY SHOULD.LIKE THIS...

FLAT-BED SEMIS USE 6" X 6" BLOCKS OF WOOD TO ELEVATE CARGO. SOMETIMES THEY FALL OFF (THEY JUST LEAVE THEM LYING ON THE BED UNTIL NEXT NEEDED). THEY'RE OFTEN WEATHERED AND LOOK LIKE THE PAVEMENT. YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU COME OUT INTACT AFTER YOU HIT ONE. THEY ARE VIRTUALLY INVISIBLE AT NIGHT. YES, WEST VIRGINIA IS FOREVER WILD AND WONDERFUL. SNOWSHOE SKI RESORT IS PALATIAL, BUT, WE'VE RIDDEN ON A 40 MILE STRETCH OF ROUTE 52 WHERE IT DIDN'T APPEAR ANYONE HAD MORE THAN A COUPLE NICKELS TO RUB TOGETHER

THE REASON SEASONED BIKERS STAY AT MOTELS IS THAT THEY CAN PARK IN FRONT OF THEIR ROOMS. THEY CRACK THE WINDOW TO HEAR IF ANYONE IS MESSIN' AROUND OUT FRONT OVERNIGHT.

YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF CONDENSATION IF YOU COVER A BIKE AT NIGHT WHILE THE ENGINE IS STILL WARM, AND, SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S NOT.

IT'S EASIER TO DETAIL YOUR BIKE WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THAT "EARLY MORNIN' CONDENSATION".

TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER THAT: “DUE TO THE RECENT BIKE PURCHASE, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO”.

NEVER BREAK OR CLUTCH IF YOU SUSPECT YOU'VE GOT A FLAT. GRADUALLY REDUCE YOUR SPEED UNTIL YOU'RE SAFE TO PULL OVER.LET'S GO OVER THAT AGAIN. IF YOU BREAK ON A FLAT, THE RIM COULD STOP MOVING BUT THE TIRE WILL STILL ROTATE "COCK-EYED" ON THE RIM TO THE RESISTANCE OF THE PAVEMENT, THROWING YOU DOWN.

IF YOU CAN’T RESIST TRYING TO PUT YOUR TIRES PRECISELY BETWEEN THE LETTERS S C H O O L IMPRINTED ON THE PAVEMENT, YOU TRULY LOVE TO RIDE.

DRIVE YOUR CAR LIKE YOU RIDE YOUR BIKE AND YOU WILL INCREASE YOUR NUMBER OF BIKE RIDES.

NON-RIDERS COMMENT THAT WE ARE WISE IN RIDING ON THE SECONDARY ROADS WHERE IT'S SAFER. WHEN IN ACTUALITY STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE INTERSTATE IS SAFER, BUT, THAT IS A MILEAGE STATISTIC. AVERAGE INTERSTATE SPEED IS HIGHER THAN SECONDARY ROADS.

DO NOT GET CLOSER THAN 12 FEET WHEN STOPPED BEHIND ANOTHER VEHICLE. IF SOMEONE BARRELS-UP BEHIND YOU, YOU CAN SLIDE TO THE SIDE AND, JUST MAYBE, AVOID A REAR-END CRASH.

IF YOU DON'T RIDE IN THE RAIN, YOU'RE PROBABLY A HOBBY RIDER.

A CELL PHONE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE "ACTIVATED" TO DIAL 911 (FEDERAL LAW), AND, WILL KEEP IT'S CHARGE FOR WEEKS JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE.IF YOU DON’T LIKE RIDING IN THE RAIN CHECK THE WEATHER RADAR AND GO SOMEWHERE WHERE IT ISN’T RAINING. SURE, YOUR BIKE WILL BE DIRTY BUT IT’S ALWAYS WORTH IT.

EVERYONE SHOULD BE FAMILIAR WITH RIDER'S EDGE HAND SIGNALS.

DO NOT FLASH YOUR LIGHTS AT ANYONE TO LET THEM KNOW A COP IS SHOOTING RADAR AHEAD. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE TROOPERS, NONE OF US COULD RIDE SAFE AT ALL.

NEVER ASK A BIKER FOR DIRECTIONS IF YOU'RE IN A HURRY TO GET THERE.

A COLD SANDWICH CAN BE RE-HEATED BY STRAPPING IT TO YOUR TAILPIPE AND RIDING A FEW MILES. NO THANKS

NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF BIKE YOU RIDE, IT'S ALL THE SAME WIND.

COMMON MYTH: SOME TOURING BIKES ARE REQUIRED TO STOP AT WEIGH STATIONS.

SOMETIMES FAMILIES ON VACATION FORGET THEY ARE PULLING THAT LITTLE CAMPER AND CUT BACK IN TOO SOON. SEEN A COUPLE WRECKS THAT WAY.

IF YOU ARE RIDING IN A RAIN STORM AND THE SKY LIGHTENS AHEAD, WITHIN SECONDS IT WILL START TO RAIN HARDER. TRUE. A METEOROLOGIST GAVE ME THE EXPLANATION BUTS IT’S PRETTY WORDY.

WE HEAR THAT THOSE CHEMICALLY ACTIVATED HEAT WRAPS FOR SORE MUSCLES CAN BE HANDY IN COLD WEATHER.

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN ALONG-SIDE A SEMI WHEN ONE OF THE TIRES BLOW, YOU'LL NEVER FORGET IT!

THOSE THROWN SEMI RETREADS ALONG THE ROAD ARE COMMONLY KNOWN AS "ROAD GATORS" AND CAN WEIGH 50-100 LBS. BE AFRAID..DON'T GET BIT. WHERE'S THERE'S ONE GATOR, THERE MAY BE MORE LITTLE ONES.

WHEN RIDING IN A GROUP DO NOT YO-YO, STRAGGLE OR SHOWBOAT.

A CAR MAKING A LEFT TURN IS THE NUMBER ONE BIKER KILLER.

ACCORDING TO TRAFFIC LAW, YOU MAY BE TOTALLY IN THE RIGHT, UNFORTUNATELY YOU COULD ALSO BE JUST AS DEAD.

INEXPERIENCED RIDER'S SHOULD ALWAYS BE PUT IN THE MIDDLE OR TOWARD THE FRONT OF THE PACK TO HELP AVOID THE SLING-SHOT EFFECT .

COMMON JOKE: "THEM GOLDWINGS ARE EVEN EQUIPPED WITH WENCHES". TRUE. THE REVERSE GEAR IS A TYPE OF WENCH.

WHEN TWO-UP RIDING, THE PASSENGER SHOULD ALWAYS REMAIN STILL WHEN THE BIKE IS STOPPED OR BELOW 10 MILES PER HOUR. THEY CAN SHIFT AROUND TO THEIR HEARTS CONTENT ANY OTHER TIME.

DON'T ACCIDENTALLY WEAR YOUR GERBINGS HEATED VEST ON-BOARD A COMMERCIAL AIRLINE WITH THE CONNECTOR CORD DANGLING OUT OR YOU MIGHT BECOME INTERNATIONAL NEWS.

IN A PINCH YOU CAN STUFF NEWSPAPER IN YOUR CLOTHES FOR WARMTH DURING A SUDDEN TEMP DROP.

IT'S POSSIBLE TO JUMP-START A BIKE FROM A CAR. NOT RECCOMMENDED BUT IF YOU DO BE VERY QUICK ABOUT IT.

I HAD A TERRIBLE BIKE CRASH. TWO-DAY OLD KAW 500 MACH III JULY 4TH WEEK-END 1971. TOOK DOWN 30 FEET OF BARBED-WIRE CHAIN-LINK AND DISENTEGRATED 3 TRIAGULAR CEMENT POST SUPPORTS AT OVER 90MPH. NEIGHBORS CAME FROM ALL AROUND BECAUSE THEY HEARD AN EXPLOSION. MY PARENTS ACTUALLY RECEIVED TWO CONDOLENCE CARDS. KAWASAKI GAVE ME A NEW BIKE.

YOU CANNOT CAMP IN A STATE OR NATIONAL PARK WITH JUST A SLEEPING BAG. YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOME SORT OF SHELTER. A HELMET WILL DO. TRUE. DID IT ON MY HONEYMOON IN MAMMOTH CAVE STATE PARK IN 1974

THE SIGN SAID "BREAK IN PAVEMENT AHEAD". SO I DID.

AT TIMES IT'S BEST TO START OUT AT 5AM AND BE THROUGH BY 2PM WHEN SUMMER TOURING THE WESTERN STATES. SO MUCH HEAT AND HUMIDITY.

IN THE MID-WEST DURING FALL AND SPRING, THE TEMP CAN DROP AS MUCH AS 30 DEGREES IN ONE HOUR AT SUNSET.

AT NIGHT THE TEMP CAN DROP AS MUCH AS 20 DEGREES FROM THE BOTTOM OF AN I-65 KENTUCKY HILL TILL YOU GET TO THE NEXT RISE .

IT MIGHT BE 90 DEGREES AT THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAINS IN BOULDER, COL. AND 45 DEGREES A FEW MILES LATER INTO THE ROCKIES.

A FULL-DRESS 1200-1800cc TOURING BIKE WILL PULL A WHEELIE. THEY JUST DON'T COME DOWN VERY GRACEFULLY.

TELEVISIONS, VCRs, MICROWAVES, FRIDGES, G.P.S. AND MUCH MORE ARE AVAILABLE ON BIKES NOW. WELL, THE BIGGER ONES.

A BIKE COVER SHOULD BE PURCHASED WITH A 20% THOUGHT OF PROTECTING IT FROM THE ELEMENTS AND 80% WITH THE THOUGHT OF KEEPING PEOPLE FROM MESSIN' WITH YOUR RIDE.

THE BENEFITS OF USING SYNTHETIC OIL VERSUS TRADITIONAL OIL? THE JURY IS STILL OUT.

THE BENEFITS OF USING NITROUS IN YOUR TIRES INSTEAD OF AIR? SUPPOSEDLY THE TIRE WILL RUN COOLER AND INFLATION STAYS STABLE LONGER THUS INCREASING TIRE LIFE.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A TRUE “RENEGADE” BIKER WHEN YOUR BIKE IS A MIXTURE OF EVERY COLOR YOU HATED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

IF YOU USE GASOLINE STABILIZER, YOU'RE DEFINITELY A HOBBY RIDER.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT STABILIZER IS, COME RIDE WITH ME.

IF IT TAKES MORE THAN A MINUTE TO GEAR-UP AFTER A STOP, YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE IT DOWN TO A FINE ART JUST YET..

IT'S NOT A PRETTY SIGHT WHEN SOMEONE SNEEZES IN THEIR FULL-FACE HELMET.

NO BIKER IS EVER LOST. THEY'RE JUST SCOUTING FOR ALTERNATE ROUTES.

STREET BIKERS RIDE TO LIVE AND LIVE TO RIDE. TOURERS EAT TO RIDE AND RIDE TO EAT. IRON BUTTS RIDE, EAT, DRINK, SLEEP, REPEAT.

IT'S TERRIBLY DEPRESSING TO SEE A "RAT" BIKE WITH ONLY A FEW THOUSAND MILES ON IT.

IT'S TERRIBLY EMBARRASSING TO COMPLIMENT SOMEONE ON THEIR "RAT" BIKE WHEN THEY SAY."WHAT RAT BIKE?"

COMMON MYTH: A CERTAIN BRAND OF TOURING BIKE IS MANUFACTURED BY THE SAME COMPANY THAT MAKES WINNEBAGO'S.

IT WOULD BE FUN TO TURN THE ENGINE OFF AND COAST DOWN FROM THE TOP OF AMERICA'S MOUNTAIN CHAINS, BUT, THEN, YOUR TOURING BIKE WOULD LOSE IT'S POWER STEERING.

AT TOURING RALLY'S, SOME RIDERS WEAR MATCHING, BILLOWY BLOOMER PANTS AND FLOWERY BLOUSES TO IDENTIFY EACH OTHER. CAN'T THEY JUST GET LITTLE SIGNS ON 4 FOOT STICKS TO POINT IN THE AIR KINDA LIKE THE ONE'S AT POLITICAL RALLY'S?

COMMON MYTH: THE MOST POPULAR MANUFACTURED MOTORCYCLE IS 100% AMERICAN MADE.

A BUMBLE BEE WAS STINGING MY BACK MULTIPLE TIMES WHILE ON THE INTERSTATE. I CALMLY ASKED MY WIFE TO POUND THE BACK OF MY SHIRT. SHE KILLED IT AND AT THE SAME MOMENT DECIDED NOT TO LEARN TO DRIVE A BIKE. YOU MUST CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITIES AND HOW YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL WOULD HANDLE THEM

COMMON MYTH: THE MOST POPULAR TOURING MACHINE IS 100% JAPANESE MADE.

TOWING A BIKE BY ROPE OR CHAIN IS A VERY BAD IDEA. THERE'S NO GYROSCOPE ACTION FROM THE WHEELS.

IT USED TO BE JUST ABOUT RIDIN', NOW SOME MANUFACTURERS HAVE TURNED IT INTO A SILLY FASHION SHOW.

THE MOST VISIBLE COLOR IS LIME-GOLD. SOME FIRE TRUCKS ARE PAINTED SUCH.

ALWAYS CROSS RAILROAD TRACKS AS STRAIGHT-ON AS POSSIBLE. THIS IS A MUST IN THE RAIN.

FOR SOME THERE’S A MYTIQUE EVEN AN ALURE TO THE ANONYMITY AFFORDED TO HELMETED RIDERS. IS SHE/HE 70 OR 20 YEARS OLD?

BIKES CAN RUN RED LIGHTS IN SOME STATES AFTER A BRIEF STOP.

THE FOLKS AT HARLEY-DAVIDSON TRIED TO PATENT THEIR UNIQUE SOUND BY SUBMITTING THE WORDS: POTATO, POTATO, POTATO. NEVER HEARD THE OUTCOME.

SEEN ON BUMPER STICKER: JESUS IS COMING SOON. LOOK BUSY.

USE "MUD PAWS" AROUND YOUR GRIPS (ATV GEAR) TO KEEP YOUR HANDS WARM. SURE, THEY'RE UGLY BUT YOU CAN GO BARE-HANDED DOWN TO 32 DEGREES. LIGHT GLOVES AFTER THAT.

A BIKE ON THE ROAD IS WORTH MORE THAN TWO IN THE SHOP.

THERE'S A GUY MARKETING SOMETHING FOR IRON BUTTS HE CALLS AN "EAZY LEAKER". I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO IT RIGHT NOW.

FROM AN R & D STANDPOINT, IT'S IMPRESSIVE THAT THE HONDA TOURING BIKES ARE DESIGNED TO SUSTAIN NO DAMAGE IF THEY FALL OVER. SOME HARLEY'S, B.M.s AND OTHERS ARE NOW LIKEWISE PROTECTED.

WE REPEATEDLY SAW BIKERS TAPPING THEIR HELMETS AS THEY PASSED US IN W. VA. CURIOUS, WE BROUGHT THE SUBJECT UP TO A TROOPER THERE AND HE SAID IT WAS A SIGNAL OF SUPPORT FOR THE REPEAL OF THE HELMET LAW OCCURRING THE FOLLOWING MONTH. INTERESTING.

IF YOU EVER RIDE THE GREAT DIVIDE IN THE ROCKIES DON'T LISTEN TO THE LITTLE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD THAT SAYS "IT'S OKAY TO RIDE CLOSER TO THE EDGE, YOU KNOW YOU WANNA. GO AHEAD".

YOU CAN RIDE FOREVER THROUGH KANSAS AND NOT SEE A BLESSED THING EXCEPT A PLACE TO EAT & GAS-UP EVERY 60 MILES OR SO. MY QUESTION. WHERE DO THEY GET EMPLOYEES?

IN THE WESTERN STATES COWS ARE TRUCKED-IN TO GRAZE IN THE FENCED-OFF MEDIAN BETWEEN 70E AND 70W. THOUSANDS OF ACRES BETWEEN THE HIGHWAYS. NO HEAD-ONS HERE.

WE HAD A GUY BEG US FOR MONEY AT A REST STOP IN N. CAROLINA SO HE COULD BUY GAS TO CONTINUE ON HIS WAY. NICE TRUCK, NICE GUY, AND, LUCKY TOO!. WHAT IF HE'D RAN OUT ALONG THE HIGHWAY WHERE NO ONE WOULD BE AROUND!

THE "LOVE BUG" SEASON CAN BE TERRIBLE IN FLORIDA. BILLIONS OF THE LITTLE BUGGERS BUILD-UP LIKE PASTE ON ALL VEHICLES AND THE ACID FROM THEIR BODIES WILL EAT YOUR PAINT AWAY IN HOURS. LOCALS COVER THE FRONT OF THEIR VEHICLES WITH NETS OR SPRAY'EM DOWN WITH PAM. GAS STATIONS HAVE BARRELS OF WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID ON HAND. TRUE AND DISCUSTING.

THE FLORIDA FIRES OF 2000 HAD US RIDING THROUGH 100' VISIBILITY SMOKE FOR HOURS MID-DAY. THE SUN LOOKED MORE LIKE THE MOON AND WE WERE COVERED WITH SOOT. A REALLY AMAZING THING TO SEE. NO, NOT US. THE SUN.

A GOOD MECHANIC WILL LET YOU WATCH WITHOUT GETTING ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE.

AT THE END OF A LONG RIDE, BREAK WITH THE "COOL" WAVE AND THROW YOUR HAND BACK & FORTH LIKE HELL AT THE ON-COMING BIKER AS THOUGH HE WAS THE LAST TRAIN OUTA TOWN. YOU'LL LAUGH AT YOURSELF AND THEY'LL BE PRETTY TICKLED TOO.

IT'S ALSO FUN TO WAVE TO PEOPLE BELOW AS YOU CROSS AN INTERSTATE OVERPASS.

IF YOU ATTEND A "SPRING BIKE BLESSING" DON'T GET ANGRY AT THE GUY IN BLACK WHO DOUCHES YOUR BIKE WITH WATER. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING.

IF YOU PULL UP TO A BIKER YOU DON'T KNOW AT AN INTERSECTION, ASK. "I SURE HOPE YOU KNOW WHERE THE DICKEN'S WE'RE GOING?"

WHENEVER YOU FINISH A MEAL AT A MOM & POP AND THE CASHIER ASKS IF EVERYTHING WAS O.K., SAY.."OUR MEALS WERE BURSTING WITH FRESH COUNTRY FLAVOR!." PEOPLE HEAR THAT KIND OF THING IN COMMERCIALS BUT NEVER IN PERSON.

ON LONG TRIPS, KEEP CASH ON THE DRIVER, PASSENGER AND BIKE SEPARATELY AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY LIKE I JUST DID.

YOU HAVE TO BE SMART ENOUGH TO TAKE RIDING RULES SERIOUSLY BUT NOT THE ACTUAL RIDE.

THE SIX-CYLINDER TOUR BIKES HAVE SO LITTLE STRAIN ON THE ENGINE, THAT, WITH REGULAR MAINTENANCE, YOU COULD RIDE 350,000 MILES OR MORE BEFORE ANY SIGNIFICANT REPAIR.

HAVE A CARD IN YOUR BILLFOLD LISTING IMPORTANT CONTACT NUMBERS IN CASE OF CRISIS.

NEVER REMOVE THE HELMET OF A DOWNED RIDER.

IF YOU TAKE A RIDE BREAK AND THERE ARE OTHER BIKERS WHO YOU DON’T KNOW TAKING A BREAK AS WELL, APOLOGISE TO THEM FOR BEING LATE.

LET AT LEAST ONE CLOSE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER (ON THE CONTACT LIST) KNOW WHERE YOU ARE STAYING FROM NIGHT TO NIGHT.

SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STATES PROHIBIT INTERSTATE BILLBOARDS. YOU ALSO NEVER KNOW WHAT PRICE YOU'LL PAY FOR PETROL.

SURE, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND SPENDING $30,000 FOR A ROLLING PIECE OF TWO-WHEELED ART AND THINK THAT COLLECTORS WHO SPEND THE SAME AMOUNT FOR A PAINTING THAT JUST HANGS THERE IS INSANE!

TAKE NOTICE OF THE ANTI LITTERING ROAD SIGNS IN WEST VIRGINIA. YOU CAN BE FINED UP TO 25,000.00. NOW, THOSE FOLKS TAKE TRASH SERIOUSLY!

ARMADILLOS ARE ALSO REFERRED TO AS SPEEDBUMPS. WOULDN'T WANNA HIT ONE.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT WHEN I’M TRYING TO RACK-UP A LOT OF MILES, IT REALLY IRKS ME WHEN I USE THE CREDIT CARD AT THE PUMP AND THE PUMP WANTS TO KNOW WHAT MY ZIP CODE IS. REALLY.

HAVE AT LEAST ONE TOW PACKAGE. AAA, HRCA, GWRRA, ETC. THERE ARE PLACES IN THE CONTINENTAL U.S. WHERE SOME OR ALL OF THEM WILL NOT SERVE. TOO REMOTE. FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY.

MOST HOTELS, MOTELS AND SUCH WILL GIVE DISCOUNTS BUT ONLY ONE NO MATTER HOW MANY MEMBERSHIP CARDS YOU HAVE.

NEVER USE TIRE DRESSING ON THE ENTIRE TIRE. SIDES ONLY IF AT ALL.

TIRE DRESSING WILL PREMATURELY AGE YOUR TIRES, BUT, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU WEAR THEM OUT EVERY YEAR ANYHOW.

IT'S VERY HARD, BUT TRY TO KEEP IN MIND THE LAST MILE MARKER YOU PASSED IN ORDER TO TELL SOMEBODY ELSE WHERE YOU ARE STRANDED.

MANY WERE THE RIDER'S WHO WANTED TO EMULATE MARLON BRANDO FROM THE MOVIE "THE WILD ONE'S". BEFORE HE DIED HE LOOKED LIKE ELMER FUDD.

OUT WEST, INTERSTATE ENTRANCE RAMPS HAVE GATES THAT CAN BE CLOSED WHEN BLIZZARD CONDITIONS ARISE.

ICE COLD WATER IS USUALLY FREE AT GAS STATION AND FAST FOOD SODA DISPENSERS. I WOULD OFFER TO PAY FOR IT THOUGH.

WHEN IT IS UNBEARABLY HOT, STOP SOME PLACE TO SOAK YOUR SHIRT. YOU’LL HAVE RELIEF FOR 20-40 MINUTES, OR, BUY THOSE “HYDRA WEAVE” TYPE GARMENTS.

ALWAYS PACK "DETAIL-IN-A-CAN" WHILE ON TOUR. IN CASE YOU ENCOUNTER A SHOW OR RUN YOU'D LIKE TO TAKE PART IN.

THE LOCAL FOLK ON THE TWISTY TURNIES WILL TRY TO PUSH YOU THROUGH. LET THEM PASS AS SOON AND AS SAFE TO DO SO.

NEVER PLAY THE OTHER MAN'S GAME. IF A WEIRD LOCAL AT A "WIDE SPOT IN THE ROAD" EATERY STARTS TO GIVE YOU A HARD TIME. LET'EM.

SOME DUDE IN THE SMOKIES DEMANDED THAT OUR RIDING GROUP “GET OFF OF HIS MOUNTAIN!” DEFINITELY DERANGED. WE LEFT. HE ALLOWED THE GUY WITH THE BAD ALTERNATOR AND ANOTHER GUY TO STAY ONLY UNTIL REPAIRS WERE MADE. WHERE LAW ENFORCEMENT MAY BE AT LEAST AN HOUR AWAY, IT’S BEST TO BE PRUDENT.

IF YOU HAVE A FLAT, FLAG-DOWN A HONDA 1500. THEY HAVE ON-BOARD COMPRESSORS.

OHIO ROUTE 503 OFF ROUTE 70 IN OHIO IS A GREAT RIDE TO WAYNE LAKES AND THE ANNIE OAKLEY TERRITORY.

EVERYONE CAN AFFORD A NICE MOTORCYCLE. YOU CAN BUY, RIDE, IMPROVE AND SELL FOR MORE, BUY BETTER RIDE AND SELL FOR MORE ETC., OR, IF YOU'RE RICH, JUST BUY TOP-OF-THE-LINE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

QUICK REFLEXES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN GOOD LUCK.

THE "TAIL OF THE DRAGON" AT DEALS GAP MOTORCYCLE RESORT AND CAMPGROUND IN TENNESSEE (RT 129) BOASTS 318 CURVES IN AN 11 MILE STRETCH. NO INTERSECTIONS, NO HOMES, NO STOPS, NO KIDDING.

RIDE FLORIDA! 11 CURVES IN 318 MILES.

PULLED INTO A B.P. STATION IN W. VA DURING A HEAVY RAIN STORM AND, SWEAR TO GOD, THEY HAD A TOWEL GUY. CAME OVER TO BIKERS TO OFFER CLEAN COTTON TOWELS. GREAT P.R.!

A MOTORCYCLE WITH WHITE PAINT HAS MANY ADVANTAGES: IT REFLECTS HEAT INSTEAD OF ABSORBING IT, DOESN'T SHOW DUST AS MUCH, SPIDER-WEBBING IS LESS APPARENT, ITS MORE VISIBLE, EASIER TO TOUCH-UP BUT THE BUG CARCASSES REALLY STICK OUT..

NEVER BE ASHAMED TO UNLEARN A BAD HABIT.

IF A BIKER COMING TOWARD YOU REPEATEDLY POINTS TOWARD THE PAVEMENT, YOU CAN BET THERE'S ROAD DEBRIS JUST AHEAD. IF THE RIDER JUST POINTS ONE TIME, HE'S PROBABLY RIDING A HARLEY. IT'S KINDA LIKE A SECRET HANDSHAKE.

GREY-HAIRED RIDER'S DIDN'T GET THAT WAY BY BEING LUCKY.

WHEN YOU MUST CLOSELY TRAIL AUTO TRAFFIC, ALWAYS RIDE TO THE LEFT OR RIGHT, NEVER DOWN THE MIDDLE. THE REASON: A CAR MOST LIKELY WON'T SWERVE FOR SOMETHING LAYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, BUT, WILL FOR SOMETHING THAT MAY BE HIT BY THEIR TIRES.

IN THE NORTHEASTERN STATES THERE’S ONLY THREE SEASONS: WINTER, SUMMER AND UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

SOME SAY IN OHIO THERE‘S ONLY TWO DIRECTIONS: NORTH TOWARDS THE LAKE AND SOUTH TOWARDS THE RIVER. THERE’S PLENTY GREAT ROADS EAST AND WEST AS WELL.

IF THE COUNTRY-SIDE EVER GETS BORING, GO SIT IN THE DITCH FOR AWHILE AND CONTEMPLATE LIFE WITHOUT PAVEMENT.

IF BEHIND TRAFFIC DURING A RAIN, TRY TO KEEP YOUR TIRES WITHIN THE TIRE TRACKS OF THE CAR OR BIKE AHEAD OF YOU TO REDUCE THE CHANCE OF HYDROPLANING.

YOU DO KNOW NEVER TO USE CRUISE CONTROL IN THE RAIN, RIGHT?

IF A DOG OR OTHER ANIMAL CROSSES IN FRONT OF YOU AND IT'S TOO LATE FOR EVASIVE ACTION, HIT IT SQUARE ON. IF YOU CATCH IT AT ANY ANGLE YOU MOST LIKELY WILL GO DOWN.

THE CHANCE OF SKIDDING ON PAVEMENT IS GREATER DURING DRIZZLE THAN DURING HEAVIER RAIN.

"SAILCAT" IS AN OLD TERM FOR A DRIED, FLAT CAT ON THE ROAD THAT COULD BE USED AS A FRISBEE. THERE'S EVEN A "70s" MUSICAL GROUP WITH THAT NAME AND THEIR ONE-HIT-WONDER WAS CALLED "MOTORCYCLE MAMA." LOOK IT UP SOMETIME.

YOU CAN GET JUST AS DIRTY A MOTEL ROOM FOR $30 AS FOR $120. KEY THINGS TO DO..PUT THE BEDSPREAD OFF ON THE FLOOR, DISINFECT THE REMOTE CONTROL, WEAR SANDALS IN THE SHOWER.

DON'T USE MOTEL TOWELS TO CLEAN YOUR BIKE. I'M IN BUSINESSES FOR MYSELF AND I KNOW HOW THIS KIND OF THING AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINE. THEY EVENTUALLY CHARGE US ALL MORE.

ON RECORD, THE LONGEST TITLE OF ANY SONG WAS "HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN A LIAR ALL MY LIFE". DEFINITELY COUNTRY.

ON RECORD, THE LONGEST NAME OF ANY RECORDING GROUP: "THE FIFE AND DRUMS AND MILITARY BAND OF THE ROYAL SCOTTS DRAGOON GUARDS". THEY HAD A TOP TEN INSTRUMENTAL HIT IN THE EARLY 70's. A BAGPIPES VERSION OF "AMAZING GRACE". YOU HEAR IT AT ALL MILITARY, POLICE, FIRE-FIGHTER-TYPE FUNERALS. VERY PRETTY.

SOME HIGH-END TOURING BIKE SOUND SYSTEMS WILL AUTOMATICALLY RE-PROGRAM THE 12 MOST POWERFUL SIGNALS ON THE FLY FROM STATE TO STATE. NICE.

SATURATE ALL YOUR LEATHER, PLASTIC AND VINYL'S WITH AN ARMOUR-ALL TYPE LUBRICANT A COUPLE TIMES A YEAR. LET SOAK-IN OVERNIGHT THEN WIPE DRY. WORKS FOR ME.

THAT "RAINBOW" THAT SOME RIDERS COMPLAIN ABOUT IN THEIR WINDSHIELD IS CAUSED BY WEARING POLARIZED GLASSES THAT CONFLICT WITH THE POLARIZATION ALREADY IN THE WINDSHIELD.

RAIN-X WILL YELLOW A PLASTIC WINDSHIELD OVER SHORT TIME.

TOOTHPASTE (NOT THE CLEAR TYPE) IS A MARGINAL SUBSTITUTE FOR SEMI-CHROME.

KEEP A COUPLE POWER OR GRANOLA TYPE BARS ON BOARD IN CASE THE RESTAURANTS ARE CLOSED WHEN YOU STOP FOR THE NIGHT.

TRIPLE "0" STEEL WOOL CAN MAKE ALUMINUM LOOK LIKE CHROME IF YOU USE A LOT OF ELBOW GREASE.

WHEN CALLING FOR A TOW MAKE SURE THEY'RE GOING TO BRING A FLAT-BED. KNEW A GUY KNOCKED OUT IN A SPILL ALL ALONE. THEY BROUGHT A HOOKER-TRUCK, DANGLED IT LIKE A DARNED FISH, AND EACH TIME THE TRUCK TOOK OFF OR STOPPED, ANOTHER PIECE OF BIKE GOT SMASHED-UP. TRUE, MORE DAMAGE THEN THE ACTUAL WRECK.

IT IS NOT WISE TO PARK DIAGONAL IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

OUT OF OHIO, TAKE 68 SOUTH INTO KY. AND PICK-UP 27 THROUGH LEXINGTON’S HORSE COUNTRY AND KEEP GOING. VERY RELAXING, BEAUTIFUL, LOTS OF "OLD MONEY ESTATES".

THOSE FLAT-STONE WALLS IN KENTUCKY/TENNESSEE THAT GO ON FOR MILES, TO THIS DAY, EACH STONE IS FASHIONED TO FIT WITH A SMALL HAMMER AND LAIN BY HAND. MUST COST A SMALL FORTUNE.

GOOD COFFEE SHOULD BE INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM OLD OIL.

WHEN CROSSING OVER INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND ASKED IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DECLARE, OFFICIALS ARE NOT AMUSED IF YOU SAY, "YES, WE'RE HERE TO RAVAGE YOUR WOMEN, STEAL YOUR GOLD AND BURN YOUR VILLAGES". YOU WILL END UP IN THE "DELAYED LINE".

IF YOU'RE RIDING IN WINDS OF 50+ MPH, IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO SEE THE SHADOW OF A CLOUD KEEP PACE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WHEN RIDING THE SAME DIRECTION.

MANY A RIDER PERFECTED THEIR SWEARING AFTER LEARNING TO RIDE.

WHY DO BIKER'S WITH SIDE CARS KEEP THEM ATTACHED EVEN WITH NO PASSENGER? THE EXTRA FUEL TANK IN THERE IS HANDY.

"DUST DEVIL'S" CAN SOMETIMES BE HUNDREDS OF FEET TALL IN THE FLATLANDS. IF YOU HIT ONE AS IT CROSSES THE HIGHWAY, YOU WILL AUTOMATICALLY LEAN LEFT GOING IN AND RIGHT GOING OUT. WE'VE DONE IT A TOTAL OF 3 TIMES IN AS MANY DECADES. MORE OF THOSE WOULD BE FUN.

YOU CAN BUY STICKY SHEETS OF CHROME OR GOLD AT PLACES LIKE "FAST SIGNS".CUT IT INTO WHATEVER SHAPE OR SIZE YOU NEED AND APPLY IT ON WHATEVER. VERY HEAT RESISTANT TOO.

IF YOU ARE IN THE PATH OF A TORNADO AND CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE NEAREST OVERPASS, PUT YOUR BIKE IN THE DITCH AND USE IT AS AN ANCHOR TO HELP KEEP YOUR BUTTS ON THE GROUND.

IN KENTUCKY, PROBABLY OTHER STATES TOO, THE TROOPERS SOMETIMES USE THEIR OWN CARS OR CONFISCATED ONES. TRICKY AND SUPER FAST.

A TROOPERS RADAR MOST LIKELY WILL NOT HOME-IN ON A BIKE IF A LARGER VEHICLE IS NEARBY.

WHEN TAKING GAS AND WATER BREAKS, TRY TO USE ONLY GAS STATIONS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD TO REDUCE PULL-OUT RISK.

YOU CAN RENEW THE APPEARANCE OF THE "JUGS" ON YOUR STREET BIKE BY USING A LITTLE PRESSURE WASH AND THEN SPRAY WITH TEMPERATURE RESISTANT FLAT SILVER ENGINE PAINT. EASY TO TOUCH-UP.

ALWAYS BACK INTO THE CURB AND PARK IT WHERE YOU CAN SEE IT.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS ON THE OUTER EDGES OF TOWN USUALLY KNOW THE BEST PLACES TO EAT A LITTLE FARTHER IN.

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? TRIUMPH CAME OUT WITH A 2300cc STREET BIKE IN 2004. 0-60 IN 3.5 SEC.

THE FIRST PRODUCTION "CROTCH ROCKET" WAS THE 1969 KAWASAKI 500cc H1. 3 CYL-2-STROKE. IT WAS A "SIT-UP" BIKE BUT I SUGGEST LAYING DOWN WHEN GOING 0-114 IN THE QUARTER MILE.

SOME OF YOU WATCHED WITH YOUR PARENTS AS JOHN GLENN ORBITED THE EARTH. THEN YOU WATCHED WITH YOUR KIDS AS JOHN GLENN ORBITED EARTH AGAIN. ALMOST DEPRESSING, HUH?

The extra berm in Indiana is because you are allowed to pass on the right if the person in front of you stops to wait to make a left (with few exceptions). Keeps traffic moving and avoids rear-enders. And yes, it's also handy for avoiding many other nasty situations.

Nice list of motorcycle-isms. Having a tad over 400K miles on two wheels, being a scientist and strongly believing in the laws of physics however, there were three or four I have to disagree with. I'll let you figure out which ones.