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~ Project Fertility ~

My story

I've been lurking here for some time, but haven't posted very much. Just thought I'd finally share my story. But before I tell my story, I just want to say that I am incredibly impressed by all of your strength, courage, and perseverance.

I'm 37 years old and DH is 45. DH has a 24 year old son from a previous marriage. We were TTC for about a year and a half. After no success, we went to a Fertility center and got ourselves checked out. DH's swimmers are fine. But I have a low ovarian reserve - very few eggs, and the ones I do have are low quality. I was told that to conceive naturally our chances were 2%. With insemination, they would increase to about 6%, and with the most aggressive treatment - IVF, it would be about 10%. We decided not to pursue any treatments.

I was not surprised by the results. I had always suspected it would be difficult for me to conceive because when I was 23 years old, I had a large fibroid which was removed via a myomectomy. At that time, my doctor told me that he recommended I get pregnant 3 months after the surgery. When I told him that was not going to happen, he said, "well don't wait five years". I never really knew why he said that. I just assumed it was in case the fibroids came back. But nevertheless, I had it in my head that I may have missed my chance. And despite the fact that I expected this outcome...something about hearing it confirmed by a fertility specialist brought out so many emotions. I felt defective. And while I had always prepared myself for this news, for the first time, it hit me that this doesn't impact just me. And I felt like I let down DH and his mom. I'm so glad DH already has a son, but I know that deep down he really wanted a little girl. And my MIL was dying for a grand daughter too (she has 3 sons and 1 grandson).

Of course realizing I may never be a mother makes me very sad, but I have to accept what I cannot change because "only when you accept what God wills for you do you find peace." I just believe that God simply has another purpose for me. And while I know we have options like egg donors or adoption, DH and I have chosen not to pursue those options, at least not now. I have my moments, but I am at peace with this.

Now some people say that I need to continue to have hope, and I should try everything because you never know....but its not that I don't have hope - I mean I believe miracles happen and anything is possible - but I rather accept this and move on then to stress myself out and set myself up for dissapointments over and over. If a miracle happens, then GREAT! But if it doesn't, I will be ok.

Now having said all that, while I don't to pursue IVF or other treatments that would put us in a financial hole, I read some success stories about people with diminished ovarian reserve who have been able to conceive. I learned that DHEA has been shown to help improve egg quality and even the number of eggs you produce (see links below). So I just started taking that. If its meant to happen, it will happen. But if not, then as I said earlier, God has another purpose for me....and I will wait patiently until that is revealed to me.

I joined the group just to say how much I admire your attitude in the face of such hard news. We have only just started TTC, but being 35 I know it may not happen naturally for us and before we started we agreed that IUI and IVF are not roads that we will be able to take.

I'm just trying to live by the words, 'if you can't change the situation, change your attitude'. I have been blessed in other ways, so I just have to focus on and be thankful for what I do have versus what I don't have.