07 May 2009

In Salute to National Homebrew Day

.... which was apparently May 2nd:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HOMEBREWER IF:

-Every t-shirt you have is from a brewpub or brewery.-Walking across your kitchen floor sounds like Velcro.-You wanted to name the puppy/kitten Fuggles.-You can recognize the smell of exploded beer bottles from outside your house/apartment.-You hear a beer bottle exploding, and you can tell whether it's a 12-ouncer or 22-ouncer from the sound.-You've had to answer to the police why you're raiding bottles out of the neighbors' recycling bins late at night.-You've sent the kids to bed dirty because the tub was full of soaking bottles.-You know seventeen different ways/formulas for getting a label off a beer bottle.-You've ever said any of the following: "Is that by weight or by volume?" "Probably dirty hoses." "Aw, c**p, twist-offs." "Green bottles? Ya gotta be kidding me..."-You're desperate to use the word "sparge" in a sentence because..... well, just because!-You've ever even THOUGHT about how to cut a hole in the side of a refrigerator.-You've ever sneaked a hop pellet into your bottle of mass-produced beer at a party.-You refuse to drink a beer out of the bottle or can.-Your kid does his or her science fair project on fermentation.-You have more than fifteen gallons of beer in your house right now.-You measure beer in gallons.-You just now said ".......... but fifteen gallons isn't a lot........."-Every party invitation you get says "Bring a keg, dude!"-Your kid criticizes the head retention of his root beer.-You can't find a glass to pour milk into, because EVERY glass in the house is a beer glass.-You get the technician who prints microchip labels at work to jigger the printer to run off labels for your bottle caps.-You used the label for your Christmas beer as a Christmas card design because you were too busy bottling to design a proper Christmas card.-You've added crystal malt to your party snack mix, and roasted barley to the coffee.-Your spouse has forbidden you from bringing more bottles into the house--one must go every time one is added.-You ever tried to brew with a 13-gallon carboy--without considering the weight of the full vessel.-Your wife threatens divorce over the long-term ramifications of a boil-over on her new range.-You've had the argument of whether to come up with a beer name or a drinkable beer first.-You've searched the office supply catalog in vain for an Avery bottle-label paper/template.