A Diary of the Heart, A Memoir of the Soul

in my journey of life this thing is now starting to become very serious to me. i don’t think i understood life as much as i do now and how important relationships mean. Mia told me that when you die, people won’t remember you for what you did, but rather the relationship that u had with them and you made them feel. and its so true, even after leaving my grandmothers funeral, everyone who stood up to speak, mentioned the great relationship she had with them, how great of a person she was because of what she did for the community and the city, and how amazing she made them feel through interaction. i want my relationship with people to be memorable and life lasting while having a very positive effect on them. i know in the past i’ve done a lot, caused a lot of hurt and harm and i received a lot to, but this day forward i want to be new, i want to change my outcome, i want to be free.

His absence is a presence that resonates deeper than he knows. The young women now, or at least that’s what I’d like to think of them as, don’t think their absent father dictates their future relationships with men… And women. Past research has shown that a father’s involvement with his children is linked to all types of beneficial outcomes, from higher academic achievement, improved social and emotional well being, to lower incidences of delinquency, risk-taking, and other problem behaviors. I have come across many young adult women that think having the mentality, that if they intentionally ignore the thoughts and feelings of connections, whether physical or spiritual isn’t a soulish one that will ring deeper in future relationships and eventually condition the mind to never emote. The whole time they have been rejecting the very thing they need, love, connection, and a sense of belonging. The way we have been conditioned to participate and show up in relationships is a mirror reflection of the relationships we had and have with our parents and/or caregivers. No wonder why we feel its ok for a man to be absent in a relationship as long as he is present financially. Our mothers and society has brainwashed us into thinking this unilateral perception and actually legalizes it to ok the one sided benefits of a potential multi-streamed relationship. Child support can be more damaging than aiding.

Once you tell someone you feel a mutual attraction, that you’re actually ‘feelin’ them’, “in love” jumps out your body & starts aggressively pursuing the two of you. The love fever is like an entity of its own. Once unleashed there is no taming it. The two lovers become captives of a wild & desperate energy. When the spirit of “in love ” is in charge no one escapes without butterflies and temporary memory loss…

A wise man once told me “A great entrepreneur isn’t the one who gets to where they want to be, but the ones who are never satisfied where they are.” This came at a time where I seemed to be frustrated with the whoas of life. It doesn’t take me long to go from a feeling of being “high off life” to becoming a manic depressant. With high expectations of one’s self the process for reaching perfection is unending. And as a natural born daydreamer, enough is never enough for me. Perfection will always be sought after even if it might be unobtainable. To me nothing is impossible, but the frustrations sets in when the vision you have for your life doesn’t line up with God’s timeline for your life. The bible says it is impossible for God to lie and if so, and the desires of my heart are fully obtainable, then I anticipate a harvest and live with expectancy.

I’m currently learning and trying to understand how and why success isn’t measured by items but growth. I am successful if I benefit from a situation through gain and not always money but also access. Poverty is not merely a lack of finances yet a lack of resources.

As we enter into the last stretch of 2012, I encourage you to finish strong! Press toward the goal to win the prize for that which God has called. Everyday definitely isn’t a mountain and all the others, I’m not stuck in the valley. But I must admit, the completion of climbing the mountain brings a feeling of fulfillment, and even in gazing from the valley, I can still appreciate the smell of the lily.

sometimes we build walls from people ever getting in and never realize we also block the chances of us ever getting out. i’ve been trying to tear down a wall i never knew i was building. this wall was layed brick by brick and very hard to destroy. the foundation of my wall was built with a brick of lies, dishonesty, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, irrational behaviors, thoughts of rejection and the cement that kept it all together was fear. the fear was a defense mechanism, it was the glue for it all. it held it all in place. it kept my wall looking good. it kept my bricks together. i allowed people to come to my wall, creatively paint graffiti, leave there writings saying “i was here”, a couple even tried to climb. but the wall i built was entirely too tall…too wide…..too thick, they needed a demolition team for this wall. it took years to realize the wall i built for protection was the same wall i built & experienced lack of growth, loneliness, resentment, doubt, pain, and shame. the wall that kept others from getting in, kept me from getting out. i just recently knocked down my wall. what a joyous time that was. besides i don’t need anyone marching around my walls 7 times thinking they were gonna come tumbling down. but now that the wall is down, the smoke & stubble has settled and the debris is slowly being cleaned up. i can see clear and i can c further. my view has changed. my perspective is broader. my truth is new…… now lets just hope i don’t build a fence

Sneak Peek of Me

The diary runs deep, the memoir is a daily thought process with repetitious memories of painful pleasure that not only arouse the intellect and intrigues the soul to yearn for completion but invites you to a open place for understanding while giving you a very authentic character.