Want to end things but scared of future.

I've been with my OH for 2 years. We've had a lot of problems in the past, most recent was an affair he had. I've gotta go, I know that, but there's a part of me that tells me it's a bad idea. I do love him and since the affair a year ago he's been fantastic, loving and helpful.

So here's the thing, I don't currently work, I'm studying and also getting over a bad bout of mental health problems. DD (not his) will start school next year and I am totally and utterly terrified that I won't be able to get an appropriate job considering it will have to be flexible and home based (because of mental health). The thought of him sharing the load is a comfort blanket to me but it would mean I'd have to live with that horrible mix of resentment and low self esteem that I've been left with since what he did. I'm not even sure he would help out much..hes not worked for a year.

I've tried to confide in family and friends but I always get the "it'll be fine". I need some mumsnet style truth thrown at me right now. I'm just really worried about the future and coping on my own. Or maybe I can get over what he did? I don't know if I'm just going through the healing process.

You can't use him as a comfort blanket just because you want to work. Your DD will be at school so you could get a job around school hours, and use benefits as a top up. This would benefit your mental health too. Maybe you are using this as an excuse to not get out there?

I'm at the stage where I'm so much better but aware that stress could tip me over the edge and all I ever hear about is how hard it is to get a job, let alone one working from home. It's mostly all fear of the unknown.

The medication or does you were on may not have been working so you need to get yourself back to the GP to find the foes/type that does (bearing in mind it can take more than 6 weeks to build up in the system. My DH's meds took 3 tweaks to get right but it was worth persevering.

Your self esteem must be very low if you think you're less capable than any other of the billions of women who have been in your position. Of course you're going to be scared, change is, but maybe it's time to have hard and fast plans in place so you can think in advance how you'd deal with any situation that comes up.

I've gone back to the doctor a few times but he said there's not much else he can do. It's agoraphobia, so I've just had a lot of exposure therapy. I guess it's just fear of a relapse back into times when I couldn't leave the house that worries me most.

I will fully admit to burying my head in the sand about it all though. I do need to have a plan and probably work on my terrible self esteem! I know if I wasnt a parent I would have no problems with this decision to walk away but I really worry about messing things up for my DD.