Letters I'll Never Send

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You should never listen to anything anybody tells you regarding me because they were never allowed to be informed. You are precious and never would I ever want you to be a fool. My actions were planned only in that it was the only way I saw fit to ensure protection to something I valued. Never forget that.

I am used to dealing with bullshit and that is why I threw myself in the fire in order to push you away. If they don’t know I care about you then you arnt a threat and are not a target.

To one of you I apologize if he found you in the years after I left him and manipulated your thoughts. Realize how crazy that behavior even is please. If this in fact occurred then that is further proof to you for the reason I did what I did.

To the other one of you…what can I really say? If I am being honest I would tell you how at first fearful I was and how years upon years it grew into annoyance and that repeatedly seeing you gave me anxiety because I did not know how your relationship stood. He made me feel like I was playing chess and always having to think one step ahead. It’s why I hoped you didn’t recognize me. It’s why I asked if you would protect me. Yet somehow knowing his reality makes me feel bad at saying any of this.

I’m sorry guys but my decision was not based on my selfish reasons there was a lot more to it than that. In 17 years I picked 2 guys that were very unhealthy for me and that fucked me up and that is why I am a free spirit and don’t have boyfriends. I realized that I am a very compassionate person and I see damaged people as changeable and because I crave healing people I accept them as they are and twice it has burned me. I need to stop doing this but it’s my nature to help people. The only way I have learned to control it is by not having relationships.

So with that being said I hope you can understand better and know that what I am telling you is the real truth.