Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day

Recent News

SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby.

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day

NEW YORK—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Friday, only 83 percent of New York City’s population—or barely 7 million residents—visit and tour the Statue of Liberty daily. “We were surprised to find that nearly one in five New Yorkers do not set aside several hours each day to ride a ferry to Liberty Island, snap pictures around and within Lady Liberty, and listen to lectures by park rangers on the statue’s history and cultural significance,” said Gallup demographer Lindsay Abraham, adding that although the majority of New York citizens wake up before work to visit the Statue of Liberty’s crown each weekday morning, most only take in the view for a maximum of 40 minutes before leaving. “Perhaps most interestingly, residents of the New York metropolitan area tend to spend a mere five hours every week watching Statue of Liberty–related documentaries in the island’s information center and museum. It may be for this reason that the purchase of gift shop items such as Statue of Liberty–themed T-shirts, snow globes, and novelty hats accounts for a mere $4,800 annually out of the average New Yorker’s pocket.” Abraham added that researchers were further shocked to discover that barely three-fourths of New York residents could recite from memory the entire Emma Lazarus poem “The New Colossus” mounted inside the statue’s pedestal.