Monday, July 11, 2005

Chase Kids Through The Woods Day

You want to get into the woods just before the sun comes up. At sunrise, all the kids who went into the woods to screw the night before will start to wake up and make a run for their cars.

As you step over all of those sleeping bags and piles of beer cans, you'll start to wonder what ever happened to that cute little scamp you used to be. You'll think, "There was a time I had my own little nook off bushes that I used to call the Motel Moskowitz, and anyone who checked in was guaranteed a complimentary fingerbang. Whatever became of that sprightly little charmer?"

You won't be able to answer your own question before you nearly trip over the most delectable pair of seventeen year olds you ever did see. The very sight of them will make your mouth drop open.

"Their hair," you'll whisper. "My lord their hair. It's identical!"

They'll share an identical deep brown color hair in nearly identically trimmed mop cuts of loose, stringy strands, hers being just a little bit longer. But they'll have fallen asleep staring up at the stars and they'll be lying on their backs, side by side with their heads touching. Their hair will be tangled together in such a gorgeous mass and you'll know you've found the children you want to chase.

Walk back thirty paces and shout, "Hey you kids get outta there!"

They'll jerk upright. She'll be in her bra and will cross her arms to cover up.

"Go on!" shout. "Get!"

They'll struggle from their sleeping bags and gather up their things. Take five quick paces towards them to get them moving.

"You!" shout. "Stay where you are. I'll blow your heads off."

The boy won't have anything on below the waist. The girl will wait while the boy hops into his underwear and then his pants. Wait until he's dressed and he's almost gathered everything. Then shout, "That's it!" Make a loud rustling sound as you start to chase after them.

They'll run the way they all run. At least the ones who are in love. They'll run with their hands clasped and their free hands overloaded with sleeping bags and everything else they managed to rescue. They'll run like they have no rights, like you are a government officer with the right to lock them away and ruin their college transcripts forever. They'll run with their young, deep brown coifs rippling in the morning sunlight. They'll run to keep their parents from finding out, to hang onto the chance to do it all again in some other wood on some other night. They'll run away forever probably. You won't see them tomorrow morning. You might never see them again.

Chase them until they're out of the woods and they're free. Don't let them see you waving goodbye.