Thursday, September 11, 2008

Most of the Bubba 'N Earl crew will be gone tomorrow for a secret mission on a lake that borders South Carolina. We cannot disclose the exact location, as it would compromise our landing spot for the pending invasion.

If our mission plan goes accordingly, we will have reached the capital by mid to late Saturday morning. We shall take over and commence a slash and burn campaign of pillage and destruction.

Upon the realization of the uselessness of the town that shall from henceforth be known as 'Lower Athens," we will return to the Promised Land late Saturday, leaving our good buddy Ogre (see above) to administer the newly formed puppet government.

We did pretty well last week and had our first series of undefeated predictions, bringing our season record to a respectable 14-2. Here are a few games happening in your neck of the woods:

UAB at Tennessee: Neil Callaway will take the perennial doghouse from Birmingham up to Knoxville in what should be the Arian Foster show. UT has had two weeks to recover from Dave Clawson falling flat on his face during his Offensive Coordinator debut against UCLA.

"Boys, the best thing we can do is throw the ball 41 times when Arian is averaging 7.4 yards per carry"

UAB has lost both of its games, giving up 94 points and over 1,100 offensive yards in the process. Tennessee should come out with a conservative and efficient game plan in an effort to get Jonathan Crompton in sink and create some offensive unity. The Vols looked out of sorts in the Rose Bowl and need to play well in this game with Florida coming up. B’NE says Tennessee win big in this one.

Arkansas at Texas: Postponed, more fun to come in the 9/27/2008 edition.

Auburn at Mississippi State: Auburn has looked very good on defense to start the year and will continue to play solid D against the Bulldogs of the west. Despite the early scrutiny of Tony Franklin’s new system, they are averaging close to 400 yards a game and running the ball well. (Yes, who have they played? Blah Blah Blah). The API faithful seem to believe that they have a QB in Chris Todd and I’m sure he can dink and dunk as well as Dusty Bonner.

Coach Franklin helped me and look what I got, A free ride to Valdosta State!

Mississippi State did what they had to do against SE Louisiana and won, playing solid defense and controlling the clock/ball with big back Anthony Dixon. The Cowbells should be out in full force as MSU tries to win its third consecutive game against a ranked opponent. Hell, we may even get a flyover at Scott Field:

State has a shot if they play solid defense and don’t turn the ball over, like in last year's 19-14 upset. However, I expect Auburn to come out and control the game, look for a physical 10-14 point Tiger victory.

Western Kentucky at Alabama: Western Kentucky is still transitioning in to Division I-A football and will continue to struggle when they play larger opponents. They went 7-5 in their first season, but their 49-3 opening game loss to UF last year and their 31-13 loss to Indiana University earlier this year are the true measure of this program’s progress. Alabama should overpower in this match up and will continue to build the completion percentage and confidence of QB John Parker Wilson. Bama is 15-1 all time against Sun Belt opponents.

I told you last week, This picture never gets old.

Middle Tennessee State University at Kentucky: the Blue Raiders of MTSU beat Maryland last week to even their record at 1-1 and could be a threat for the Wildcats. UK has been strong on defense and has held both of their opponents to a combined 5 points, albeit against weaker competition. As good as they have been on D; their offense has struggled equally with speedy RB Derrick Locke being the only spark. This is most likely going to be a sloppy game where UK’s experience and defensive athleticism shines through. UK wins ugly and tacks on a late TD to make the win look better.

Samford at Ole Miss: I had a couple of friends in High School that played football at Samford, they aren’t very good. The Bulldogs of Alabama have beaten a Division II school (West Georgia) and Alabama Christian College (Faulkner) to get their 2-0 record. In our random pop culture factoid of the week, former MLB pitcher Shane Reynolds is a proud Faulkner Graduate; even he didn’t know they had a football team. Ole Miss will steamroll here.

Rice at Vanderbilt: More smart people playing football and there really isn’t more that you can say. Seriously, Rice is 2-0 in coach Dave Bailiff’s second season and has but up plenty of points behind talented senior QB Chase Clement. Expect Vandy to be confident coming off their Carolina win and keep the ball in the hands of their play maker, Chris Nickson. Vandy rolls here, but Rice will keep pace and put up their share of points. Besides, I have a feeling that the Rice students will be more concerned with the campus tradition of Baker 13.

North Texas at Louisiana State University: LSU will look to run up the score and move up in the polls here. Think about it, they have played one game against Appalachian State, had another game postponed and moved up to 7th in the rankings and no one has said anything about them. Young QB’s Andrew Hatch and Jarrett Lee will impress statistically in this game as North Texas is pretty hapless. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy did an episode at the North Texas Sigma Chi house a few years ago and it looks as if they revamped the football team while they were there. This former Sun Belt power is terrible. LSU covers the points and after the game, Ted Allen, Snoop Dogg and Less(get it) Miles all go to dinner together.

"Snoop, Ty Henschke told me this tie would really pop."

That does it for this week’s edition. The B’NE team will report back from the Lake House and Columbia after the weekend.

Well, as the Dawgs roll into ACC country, er, Williams-Brice Stadium this Saturday, it’s not like they’ll be facing some mighty team or anything (Wow, Vandy has a winning streak going against the Cocks, something the Dawgs can’t claim)…

Really? What kind of respectable SEC team has this kind of artwork? I guess being a charter member of the ACC is never too far away from your heart...

The Head Ball Coach has announced that he will play both Chris Smelley and Tommy Beecher against the Dawgs on Saturday. No surprise here…it’s the HBC…and both Smelley and Beecher have been suspect in the first two Cackalacky games. Don’t be surprised to see three quarterbacks play, including some designated plays for Stephen Garcia. There’s no Danny Wuerffel in the group or Terry Dean for that matter.

Stephen Garcia's entire college future rode on this very putt.

Kenny McKinley’s injury looms large for South Carolina. Wide receivers are important in HBC’s offense, especially when he doesn’t have many. McKinley is one of the best wide receivers in the SEC. He might go, but will be extremely limited if he does. Watch out for Jared Cook (#84). He’ll be the Cocks leading target (I won’t make the joke) even if McKinley plays banged up. HBC likes to move him around the field, lining up in the slot as well as outside. Cook caught 8 passes for 111 yards against Vandy.

There's something she likes about Jared Cook.

South Carolina’s defense has been a strength against the Dawgs for a long time. It completely fell apart last season after the loss of LB Jasper Brinkley to injury. They couldn’t stop the run and Darren McFadden is still dreaming of playing their defense again. However, because South Carolina plays Georgia so early in the season, injuries and depth issues usually aren’t as big of a concern for the Cocks as they are later in the year (when they face Florida and Tennessee).

However, against the Dawgs last year, South Carolina’s defense was dominant, holding the Dawgs to 4 field goals. Jasper Brinkley (the thinner version) had a great day in Athens. It was the first and last time I’ve seen Mike Bobo forget about his game plan. The Dawgs threw the ball 44 times on a day when Knowshon Moreno had over 100 yards on just 14 carries. Ever since that day, Coach Bobo has stuck with his game plan, even when losing the game. Look for the Dawgs to stick to their guns in Columbia on Saturday.

Don't forget, Dawg fans, never forget

The Cocks have many good players on defense that can keep their team in games, but too many of them are playing out of position this year, including a bulked up Jasper Brinkley. Eric Norwood, a converted defensive end playing both linebacker and defensive end this year, is another example of the Cocks trying to get many of their best players on the field at the same time. This has created heavier linebackers at South Carolina, which usually results in slower linebackers. Look for Knowshon to have a field day.

Many Dawg teams have struggled in Columbia, but don’t look for this one to. The Cocks are a bit down on themselves after the Vandy loss, and the Dawgs couldn’t be riding any higher coming into town. Revenge will be on the Dawgs' minds. Let’s hope it gets ugly in Columbia. I think it will.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It’s Carolina Week 2008 which means it is time for our annual match up with the Ole’ Ball Coach himself. Spurrier announced that he plans to play both Chris Smelley and Tommy Beecher against the Dawgs this week. At South Carolina, Spurrier has not found the superstar quarterbacks that he had while he was at Florida. Spurrier’s record for developing quarterbacks was impressive at Florida, but was the stats those guys put up more a result of Spurrier’s system and less a result of their talent and development? Here is a look at Spurrier’s former quarterbacks and their success, or lack there of, after leaving the Evil Genius’s control.

Shane Matthews

Matthews played quarterback for Spurrier during the his early years at Florida. Matthews had a fine collegiate career, setting a number of Florida passing records and finishing as high as 5th in the Heisman voting (1991). Matthews was drafted by the Chicago Bears in 1993, however did not even see the playing field until 1996. After spending a few years with the Jaguars, Matthews returned to Chicago and finally got a chance to start some games (with moderate success) however returned to his backup role the next season. Matthews was given one final chance to be a starter again in 2002 by none other than Steve Spurrier (with the Redskins). He started 7 games, but the magic that existed between them at Florida never cam back at the pro level.

Good job! You didn't throw a pick this time.

Danny Wuerffel

The middle man in the group that now includes three Florida quarterbacks who have won the Heisman (Spurrier and Tebow are the others), Danny Wuerffel put up huge stats in leading the Gators to the National Championship in 1996. He was drafted by the New Orleans Saints as their next great quarterback, however Wuerffel never found much success. Like Matthews, he joined the Redskins when Spurrier took over in 2002 but also failed to rekindle the old Gator magic.

Bates does a great Spurrier and makes Wuerffel seem like a pansy...a good Christian pansy.

Doug Johnson

Johnson played under Spurrier during the close of the 90’s and moved onto the Atlanta Falcons. In 2003, Johnson got a chance to start for the Falcons when Vick “The Dogfighter” got hurt and missed most of the season. Johnson proved to be an ineffective pro passer, finishing the season with a paltry 67 QB rating. He would only play 4 games the rest of his career and retired in 2006.

Jesse Palmer

Palmer lost his starting job senior year to Rex Grossman and never got to be a starter at the NFL level. He spent a few years as a backup with the Giants before he found a new hobby: Reality TV. Palmer appeared on ABC’s the Bachelor and after ending his NFL career, went back to the Mouse and got a job with ESPN.

What a douche.

Rex Grossman

Arguably Spurrier’s most successful NFL product, Grossman has been the on again off again starter for the Bears for the last few seasons. The Bears reached the Super Bowl after the 2006 season, but were crushed by Tennessee’s own Peyton Manning. People have been known to say that the Bears made the Super Bowl despite Grossman’s play, rather than because of it. He lost his starting job again this preseason and is currently riding the pine behind Kyle Orton.

“I couldn’t beat you in college Spurrier, but I sure had the last laugh!”

In conclusion, Spurrier’s quarterbacks put up great stats in college, but none of them really caught on at the next level. With the announcement this week that Alex Smith is out for the season and also appears to be a major NFL bust, current Florida coach Urban Meyer is not off to a good start. Tebow, maybe you should hope that you don’t turn out like the Ole Ball Coach’s protégés, or you might be sitting there next to Jesse Palmer before your thirtieth birthday.

1. It's in the middle of the state. Carolinians decided that the best way to protect their capital was to make it as inconvenient as possible from anything else. You are hours away from anything you could consider cool or fun. Upon it's formation and declaration as capital of the state, it was seen as a great advantage to be located in the center of the state. Well, not so much anymore! Buyers remorse was universally felt almost immediately.

2. Most of the city was destroyed by fires set by Sherman during the Civil War. That never gets talked about much outside South Carolina. Why? Because no one was sad to see it burned to the ground. In fact, many rejoiced! Others thought, "Why re-build? We can move to Charleston!"

3. It wasn't until the early 1900's that Columbia finally had a paved street. Since then, they now have three. Congrats.

4. The construction of Williams-Brice Stadium was partially funded with federal dollars by the Works Progress Administration during the New Deal Era. Yes, we can blame the gubmint (you a sum bitch, FDR) for the monstrosity that is the home of the cocks. Guess that gubmint planning might explain why it's in the middle of a warehouse district.

5. The unofficial nickname of Williams-Brice is the "cockpit." Really? Is this true? A pit of cocks? I can't even make fun of that, it makes fun of itself so much.

It's just like my first trip to Columbia when the crowd chanted, "Who let the cocks out?!"

Or the fact that their mascot, Cocky, makes a grand entrance before the game by coming out of his "magic box" (their words, not mine). There's about 75 potential jokes in that one sentence.

Do you people know what you're saying? Maybe that's your defense mechanism. You say utterly ridiculous phrases that are so humorous already, that our brains become frozen as if we were simultaneously having a million ice cream headaches, and thus we are unable to further mock you.

He's not exactly Burt Reynolds, but something special in his own right.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

With Georgia’s SEC schedule kicking into full gear this week with the Dawgs’ trip to Columbia, B’NE would like to remind all Dawg fans of what could be a great season for the roadtrippers. For example, most of the B’NE “staff” (I use that term loosely) is making the trip late this week to BFR’s lake house between Atlanta and Columbia for a little debauchery. Then, half the group is continuing the trip onto Columbia Saturday morning to tailgate in the Fairgrounds, aka the Armpits.

South Carolina, Arizona State, LSU, Jacksonville and more....

A normal fan of a normal BCS school (say…Michigan State, for example) might say that a trip to someone’s lake house is the best trip of the season. But for Dawg fans in 2008, a trip to a lake house might turn out to be the fourth or fifth best trip of a season that includes Arizona State, LSU, Jacksonville, Kentucky and possibly Miami (no one includes Auburn).

Sorry, Big 10 fans, Splinter says you'll still have to dress up as Donatello to stay warm. No road trips for you. Really, how many Michigan State fans made the trip to Cal...

After a win over the Cocks, the group will return home to Atlanta on Sunday, only to find some of the group hoping a plane next Tuesday night for Las Vegas before driving through the desert to Tempe next Friday in two SUVs (one red, one black).

Dad always told me to save my vacation days for the fall…the summer’s overrated when you can work on your tan in Miami in January.

And after the Arizona State trip, its Streit’s bachelor party in New Orleans before heading to Baton Rouge.

Yes, ladies, this man will be off the market in two short months...we can't believe it either.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The greatest team ever to exist in the first week of college football didn't score an offensive touchdown until the third quarter. It's okay though, they were playing the mighty powerhouse of Tulane. Oh, wait...

LOSING VOTES

Ohio State went from 15 first place votes in last week's AP Poll and 10 first place votes in the USA Today/Coaches Poll, to receiving only 1 first place vote in each poll. This is probably deserved. Almost getting beat by the Bobcats will do that to you.

Last week, we had 20 first place votes in each poll while being knocked down to number 2. This week, we gained 3 more first place votes in the AP Poll, along with USC, Flori-duh and Mizzou benefiting from Ohio State's display of Big 11 dominance.

However, we actually lost 2 first place votes in the Coaches Poll. WTF? What more do we need to do? USC gained 11 more first place votes, and Oklahoma received 1 additional first place vote.

We either lost one vote to Oklahoma and one to USC, or both to USC (LSU, despite not playing, also lost a first place vote). So, we beat Central Michigan 56-17 and we lose at least 1 vote to a team that didn't play.

Well, there's only one explanation for this, and that's ESPN. ESPN did not show the GREAT LEAP FORWARD by Knowshon. Had they showed that, we would have received all first place votes and taken the national championship from Bama.

URBAN CRIER

Please be aware, if you ever pull that garbage again, rather than just running out the clock with less than a minute left in the game, you will end up with players with broken appendages. Potential nfl careers will be jeopardized for your arrogance. The truly sad part is, you wouldn't care. Its sad when MIAMI has more integrity and character than you.

PAC-10 REFS

Pac-10 refs have made an unprecedented move after this weekend of college football. Instead of screwing over teams from other conferences, they are now screwing over their own. Ty Willingham is the first beneficiary of this policy, as if he didn't need anything else going against him.

PITCH AND NOT CATCH

Just pitchin' and ketchin'. Well, that didn't work this time HBC! Your ass has now lost 2 in a row to your former beating horse. Please rank the Dores while it is still possible! Moronic pollsters ranked South Cacalacky after their win over NC State (because they obviously didn't watch the game, no surprise there).

RETURN TO DOMINANCE?

Free Shoes University made their comeback, although to far less fanfare than Bama, against that other powerhouse in the tobacco state, Western Carolina. Wait, who? Oh, that team we also crushed last year. Well, let's wait until next week when they will demolish...UT-Chattanooga. Oh. Well, what's after that? Wake Forest?! Oh, They'll get their ass kicked that game. Nevermind. Continued mediocrity for the forseeable future.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Week 2 of the college football season has passed and here are my thoughts:

Georgia vs. Central Michigan

- The offense really put on a show, racking up over 5oo yards of offense with balance split almost right down the middle. Matt Stafford's progression as a decision maker continues to impress me and I think the offense will keep it up next week against a slow Carolina defense.

- Knowshon Moreno should be at the top of the early Heisman list, however when I looked over at ESPN, he's not even in the top 5. He's got over 225 yards rushing, almost 90 yards receiving, and 6 touchdowns on the season, while Chris Wells didn't even play thi week (but he is still in the top 5). Are they just not watching any film before voting????

If this isn't a Heisman caliber play, I don't know what is.

- The young backs and receivers continue to impress me. Caleb King and Richard Samuel both got their first career touchdowns, MoMass is on fire, and I can't wait to see what happens when Stafford and AJ Green get their timing down.

- The penalties and kick-offs continue to be a concern. We can't give up free yards against SEC schools and, for the love of god, quit the directional kick-offs and just kick it deep.

- Up Next: South Carolina in Columbia

Washington Controversy

- For once, I actually agree with Mark May. There is no way a penalty should have been called on Jake Locker after scoring the touchdown in the closing second of their game vs. BYU. Locker was not taunting anyone and the ball was not thrown in anyone's direction. For the ref to call that and back them up made an easy PAT difficult (and it was ultimately blocked). Games should be decided by the kids on the field, not by some old guy in a striped shirt.

I actually agree with Mark..has hell frozen over???

Florida/ Miami

- For the second straight week, Florida's vaunted offense has looked at times very pedestrian. Leading only 9-3 at the start of the 4th, I would not say Tebow and company were lighting up the field. I was never in doubt that Florida would win, but what really made me mad about this game was the lack of class Urban Meyer showed once again. Leading 23-3 with about three minutes to go, Florida took the ball back. Urban Meyer proceeded to send his starters back onto the field and started throwing passes at the end zone. When Miami stopped them on third down and Meyer sent out the field goal team and the Florida crowd booed. Really classy Urban and Florida. Most coaches would have just taken knees to run out the clock, but you try to rub it in. I wish you would have gotten one of your players hurt, then maybe you would stop being such a jackass.

Ohio State Escapes...

....and will be crushed by USC next week. If you can barely beat Ohio without Beanine Wells, what is going to happen when you go play USC with a less than 100% Wells. I look for USC to win big next week.