Falling down in the same general area as someone is almost the same as hitting. (Photo credit: Gregg Forwerck)

The Caps have not scored a single goal yet in a game that I have recapped. I am placing a phone call to the Capitals organization tomorrow to ask why they hate me personally.

I’m sorry you had to watch that game. I’m sorry I had to watch that game. Here’s how it happened.

Eric Staal stripped a puck from Carlson and sent it to Jussi Jokinen for an easy shorthanded goal. In the second period, Jokinen made it 2-0 on a rebound and officially became our least favorite Cane of the night. Jiri Tlusty scored an absolutely ridiculous falling-down goal that we are all so excited to see on every highlight reel for the next week. Caps lose, 3-0.

The Caps spent most of the game making at least one more pass than necessary or giving away pucks for free. They had been recording some actual shots on goal early on, and this was very uncomfortable for them, they’re not used to this feeling anymore. They responded with some bad hockey in order to let the Canes catch up so that they could win the game in a totally improbable way as usual. This did not quite go as planned.

Tomas Vokoun was just beautiful, despite any single scintilla of support from the team in front of him. He’s having flashbacks to when he played for the Panthers.

In fact, can you take a little constructive criticism, Caps? CARE when someone snows your goaltender, or runs over him. Marcus Johansson and Joel Ward both had instances of standing around doing nothing when this happened. They also seemed strangely impervious to my yelling at my TV about it. Unacceptable.

The only notes I have from the Caps’ power plays are “Death. Destruction.” I am changing nothing there, because that pretty much sums it up.

John Carlson had a rough night–the kind of night where we were just kind of hoping that he got off the ice every shift without anything going horribly wrong. He also blocked five shots to atone for this, though, which was almost as much as Carolina blocked altogether, as a team.

Very tiny great things: old-school hip-check from Dmitry Orlov that made Sutter take a retaliation penalty for it, it was so great. Vokoun (successfully) kicking the puck to a defensemen.

Person who cared: Matt Hendricks. Derek Joslin went insane and jumped him for no discernable reason in the first period, and Hendricks made us forget that awkward Bourque fight by acquitting himself admirably in his 9th fight of the season. He also lead the team in shots and hits, which isn’t really the way the score sheet should look but we appreciate that he showed up to play a hockey game, unlike most of the Capitals on the ice tonight.

Joe B suit of the night.

This game was just a reminder that no matter how amazing Tomas Vokoun is, he still can’t win an entire game by himself.

Unless it’s against Columbus or something. I can see him winning that one.

Remember when the Caps had offense? Try. It will help you have hope that it’s coming back soon. Also remember that despite how bad a few of these games have been, Dale Hunter-era Caps have not had any significant losing streaks — they’ll pick themselves up again. Turn the TV back on when they play on Sunday anyway. You already know you’re in an abusive relationship, but you also know that you’re not leaving. Go Caps.

10:58 Update: This pre-game photo of Ovechkin was pretty much foreshadowing for the entire night. (Via @jmrola03)