Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003 15:51:24 -0600
From: Cameron Writer
Subject: A Light in the Tunnel chapter 8
My apologies for taking so long to get this chapter out. I wrote, scrapped,
and re-wrote it several times before I came up with something I was
satisfied with. Every now and then, I underestimate the difficulty in
writing a piece with reasonable quality. At the same time, I'm having to
deal with a major change in my daily schedule, so I must restructure my
time. Please stick with me while I try to get everything worked out.
My usual disclosure: I do not know NSYNC, anyone affiliated with them, or
any other celebrities that may appear within these musings. That stated, it
is safely assumed that I have no knowledge of the members' sexual
orientations/habits or personalities. If you are under the legal age in your
community or offended by stories about relationships between men, please
look elsewhere for your entertainment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Light in the Tunnel:
Chapter 8
Burke sat, confined and bored to death, in his bedroom, sheets of paper
fanned out around him on the bed. Chris had forbidden him from coming out
until he had narrowed the list of candidate tutors down to a maximum of
three. Sighing, Burke piled a thin stack of those who he was certain in not
wanting, among them being Justin's old teacher. Though assured she was
friendly, Burke couldn't picture himself spending all day with the dour
faced Mrs. Smithton. He tried his best to recall each person from their
interview as he flipped through resumes. One, in particular, he made sure
was in his KEEP pile. Chris had teased him after the interview, shy and
tongue-tied with the man, Jason Spencer, a teacher fresh from college with
the looks of a model.
Finally narrowing it down to three people, Mr. Spencer among them, Burke
crept from his room, preparing himself for a fatherly ribbing. "Unless
you're finished or going to the bathroom, you better get back in that room!"
Chris shouted from the living room.
"I'm done." Burke made his way downstairs, and sat on the sofa beside
Chris. "Before I show you who I picked out, please tell me again what this
person will be doing exactly." Burke still had a hard time accepting the
fact that Chris would be paying someone to teach only him. He thought it was
money wasted, especially since Orlando had good public schools.
"This will be your tutor. They'll teach you the required class work for a
senior in high school. Most people only major in one field, but your tutor
has to be able to move from math to science to language easily. In addition
to that, they'll have to chaperone you when we're busy in the studio." Burke
huffed, this being a bone of contention. "I'm not going to have you running
the streets, Burke. You could fall in with the wrong crowd, or get hurt. If
it's a long day in the studio, you could lay in a pool of blood for twelve
or fifteen hours before I find you."
"I'm a big boy, Chris. I'm perfectly capable of staying home by myself." He
patted the metallic black cell phone at his side. "And I'll always have this
with me, so you can check up whenever you want."
"Let's just see who we have here, then we'll talk about the rest." Burke
passed the papers over, wincing in anticipation of Chris' laughter. "Amelia
Rossini. I really liked her, and Joe will love you learning Italian.
Florence Parrish." Chris cocked his eyebrow. "I think this one is here just
to make me happy. And," he continued, snickering as he read the name, "Mr.
Jason McHottie Spencer. I should have guessed this one would make the cut."
Burke tried to defend himself. "He's a new teacher, so he's still going to
be into his work. A couple of the others had been teaching so long it was
all blah, blah, blah. He knows Italian too, so Joey will still be cool.
Physical education won't suffer since he believes a fit body is just as
important as a fit mind. He even made you laugh."
Chris rolled his eyes, not buying Burke's excuses. "He *is* qualified, and
I'm sure he'll have your attention." Burke blushed. "I think he'd be an
excellent teacher, but not if you spend all day lost in dreamland instead of
your books."
"Why don't I just get my GED? I guarantee I can pass it the first try."
Chris rubbed his small goatee. "You'll be getting your GED, but I want you
to have more than a basic education. Do you know how hard it is to get into
a good school with just being able to read and write? You need to be well
rounded."
They continued to debate the necessity of a tutor and who exactly it would
be, each offering opinions and points. Burke was adamant about not having a
babysitter, going as far as offering to stay with Lynn, Justin's mother,
after class or doing volunteer work somewhere. Chris conceded that point,
admitting he didn't want Burke to feel neglected if he wasn't there every
minute of the day. Finally, Burke threw his hands up in the air, groaning.
"Go ahead and pick whoever you want, dad. I'll like whoever it is." He
turned to leave, tired of discussing the topic. A gasping hiccup stopped his
exit. Turning around, he saw Chris with tears in his eyes. "Chris? What's
wrong? I'm sorry. I'll stay and talk about tutors until we figure it out.
Please don't cry." His voice cracked, upset he had done something that
bothered Chris so much.
"No, you silly kid. You didn't do anything, so take that look off your
face. Do you realize what you just said?"
"That I was sorry."
"No, before that."
"I told you to pick out whatever tutor you wanted." Chris nodded for him to
continue. Squinting in thought, Burke tried to replay his words in his head.
Suddenly, he realized what he had done, and his cheeks burned. "Sorry about
that."
Chris patted his hand. "It's alright. You just caught me off guard, I
guess. And, just so you don't feel awkward, I'm ok with you calling me that
if you want." Burke smiled. "Go ahead and do whatever you want. We'll make a
decision on this later."
As if on cue, a distraction walked through their front door. "Lance! Please
save me from school stuff!" Burke joked, acting like he was dying from
boredom.
"Is that mean old Christopher trying to torture you with an evil teacher?"
Burke snickered and nodded, a playful pout on his face. Lance wrapped his
arms around the boy. "Shame on you Christopher!"
"Don't get on to me! He's the one who wants a male version of a Victoria's
Secret model for a tutor!"
Lance chuckled and raised a sardonic eyebrow. "He's just a kid. Imagine how
smart Justin could be if Mrs. Smithton had been able to keep his attention."
Burke's resolve broke, guffawing before sticking his tongue out at Chris.
"Just as long as Mr. Man keeps his hands to himself."
"Oh, that won't be a problem. If there was anything left of him after I got
through kicking his ass, I'm sure Joe would take care of the rest. But,
since we're on the topic of school, I'd like to ask you a favor. Instead of
having a chaperone-"
"Babysitter," Burke muttered disdainfully.
Chris gave him a small growl. "Burke said he would like to do some
volunteer work while we're in the studio. I was wondering if you could find
something for him."
"I'll check with my contacts. There shouldn't be any problems finding
something that will work."
"Not that we mind in the least, Lance, but what's up?"
Like he had found something he lost long ago, Lance's eyes brightened. "Oh
yeah. I knew there was a reason I came over here. I was going to steal you
away for a little bit, Burke. If Chris doesn't mind, of course." Burke gave
his new father a pleading look.
"Calgon," Chris sighed, "take him away!"
"Let me go put some shoes on real fast." Burke ran to his room, taking the
steps two at a time. "Ok, ready," he hollered as he returned.
"Alright. See ya later, Chris."
Burke waved as he followed Lance out the door. "Bye dad." Pulling out of
the driveway, Burke noticed Lance staring at him strangely. "What? Is there
something gross on my face?"
"No. You just caught me off guard for a minute with the dad thing."
"Oh. It's just a thing. Chris doesn't mind. Except I think I'm in
Mississippi where you're from. My brothers are my uncles?"
Lance scowled a moment before cackling. "You better watch it, young man!
I'll leave your butt in the middle of nowhere!"
"I might actually believe that if it weren't for one thing."
"And what's that, Mr. Smarty Pants?"
"You love me too much to get rid of me. I keep you on your toes!" Lance
rolled his eyes, not dignifying it with a response. "So where are we going?"
"Shopping. The guys and I talked about it, and we want to get you
something. I volunteered to take you since I'm the most responsible."
Burke shrank into the black leather seat of Lance's SUV, wondering what
they had planned for him. "I don't need anything, Lance, really."
"Actually, you do need what we're shopping for." They swung into the
parking lot of Target. Lance smiled evilly, reminding Burke of his remarks
about them shopping there. "Grab a cart," he said as he pulled a sheet of
paper from his pocket.
"Where to, fearless leader?"
"School supplies." Turning into the aisle, they saw a horde of mothers and
children, all scrambling for pens and notebooks as if they were the last
cans of food before a hurricane struck. "Oh Lord," Lance murmured.
"Do we really have to go into that mess?" Grimacing, Lance nodded. As
quickly as possible, the waded through the crowd, grabbing everything Burke
would need for his first day of school, pointing out that a good calculator
would be in the electronics department.
"Lance!" a shrill voice yelled as Burke dug through the racks of backpacks.
A teenaged girl ran up to him, nearly hyperventilating from excitement. "Oh
my God! I love your music! I'm your biggest fan in the whole world! Can I
have your autograph? Why are you in the school section? I'm Tara, by the
way."
Turning on the charm, Lance smiled at the fawning girl. "It's wonderful to
meet you, Tara. I always love meeting fans." He tore a sheet of paper from
one of Burke's notebooks and scrawled an inscription on it, all the while
chatting easily with her.
Tara looked as if she would faint when Lance gave her his autograph,
sobering just enough to look at Burke. "I don't think I know you. Are you
somebody important?"
It caught him off guard, not knowing how to reply. "No, I'm nobody." Lance
stepped in, diverting Tara's attention way from Burke, but the damage had
been done. With his friend's back turned, Burke slowly crept away, leaving
the cart sitting there. He went to the snack bar and sat down. He had told
her the truth. He was a nobody, especially when compared to the company he
had been keeping. They were millionaires and he was just some head case from
the boonies. First he had been the subject of a news story, now he was a
hanger on. Just as he was about to leave, his cell phone rang. "Hello?"
"Burke, buddy, where are you?"
"I'm at the snack bar, Lance."
"Alright. Come on back. It's cleared out, so you don't have to worry about
being mobbed."
"Ok." Burke slowly made his way back to Lance, looking around for an
approaching swarm of fans.
"Let's just get the rest of this stuff and get out of here." Burke found a
backpack he liked, then they headed for the electronics. The calculator was
easy enough, though the stock was dwindling. Burke thought they were
finished, but Lance lingered. "Ready for the part you'll probably argue
about?" Burke shook his head, not sure he could take anymore. "We all wanted
to chip in and get you something cool and useful. I'm thinking that you'll
probably have term papers and stuff to do, so we decided to get you a little
laptop or something."
"No! That's too much money. I can just go to the library, or use Chris'."
"That's just fine while we're here, but what about when we're on tour?
You'll still have your classes, but going to the library is pretty tough
when you're on a bus all day. This is a little more money than most kids get
spent on them, but your situation is different. A laptop is practical
because you can carry it everywhere with you, plus it'll give you something
to do on long drives between cities."
Burke rubbed his arms. "Ok, I guess, just as long as everyone knows I am
against this." He didn't like the idea of them shelling out money like this,
not when there were better things to spend it on.
"Duly noted and ignored. So, what kinds of functions do you want?" Burke
picked out something very basic with no frills. Lance eventually managed to
talk him into something that did a bit more, pointing out the usefulness of
extra memory, better graphics capability, and compatible software systems.
Burke relented, unable to refute his logic.
As the made their way back to the car, Burke looked over the bags and
computer box. "You did this, instead of the others, because I wouldn't argue
with you."
"Not exactly. We knew you'd argue with whoever came, but we decided that I
could sound the most reasonable and make you think you were getting your
way!" Burke nodded and unloaded the cart. "Hey, I'm sorry for saying it like
that. We just wanted to get you something nice."
"I know. Thanks Lance."
The blond singer didn't start the vehicle once they climbed in. "You're
upset over what happened with that Tara girl, aren't you?" Burke turned away
and stared out the window. "It's alright, Burke. Some people just don't
think before they open their mouths. You may not be famous, but you are
still somebody. Don't ever let anyone make you feel little because you
aren't a star. There are days I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.
You're *our* somebody."
"Is that Josh?" Burke asked as they got home and saw the navy jeep in the
driveway.
"Yeah. I wonder what he's up to." They each grabbed an armful of stuff and
carried it inside.
"We're back," Burke yelled as he piled things in the corner of the
entryway.
"How did it go?" Chris asked as he and Josh came out of the living room.
Lance slightly shook his head, gesturing them to not ask questions. "We got
everything on the list." They nodded though their curiosity was blazing.
"Burke? Josh wants to talk to you about something. Why don't you take your
stuff up to your room, then you can go with him."
Burke looked from Chris to Josh, noticing the man's nervous fidgeting. His
stomach immediately curled into a ball, imagining the worst. Getting more
anxious by the moment, he put his things away. Coming back downstairs, he
found the three of them whispering in a close circle. The sight made his a
little scared. "Ready?" Josh said, noticing he had returned. Burke half
shrugged, not able to do more than that. His hands were trembling as he
opened the door to the jeep, so he sat on them to keep from looking stupid.
"Where are we going?"
"Dinner, first. I'm assuming pizza is alright." Burke nodded dumbly,
teetering on the edge of a panic attack. "Relax, Burke. This is a good
thing, at least I hope so." Burke smiled, but his nerves were shot.
They pulled into the parking lot of the nicest pizza place Burke had ever
seen. The hostess at the door looked over the two of them as they walked in,
Josh leaning into her thin podium to give his name. As she scanned her list
of reservation, Burke watched his friend slyly slide a bill over her guest
book, asking for something private. She grinned smugly, and led them through
the restaurant, past people gawking as they walked past. Burke looked
around, taking in the scenery, very conscious of how close Josh was sitting.
A frazzled waiter rushed up to their table, handed out menus, and took their
drink orders.
"So," Josh spoke after their glasses had been brought, "how was school
shopping?"
"The store was a mad house, people running around like crazy. There was
this girl who recognized Lance."
Josh sipped his soda. "And how was that?"
"He handled it like he probably always does. Just talked with her and
signed an autograph."
"I meant how was that for you?"
Burke chewed his lip, slowly shredding a napkin. "Strange. She noticed me
pretty quick. I didn't want to be in the way, so I went and sat down at the
snack bar."
"Did Chris tell you that my parents are coming in this weekend? They always
do it before we go record. Actually, my mom wants to come spoil you since
she's convinced we won't do it properly." He chuckled, not noticing the
paling of Burke's skin. "I think we do a good enough job, or could if you
let us."
"You do too much as it is. Lunch is great and everything, Josh, but what
are we doing here? What did you want to talk to me about?"
"You don't look so good, Burke. Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm just wondering what you want and my imagination is getting the best of
me. I saw you all whispering before we left, so it must be something major."
Josh casually swept the little piece of torn paper out of Burke's reach.
"It is major, but like I said earlier, it's a good thing. Please calm down,
or I won't have the guts to tell you. I'm nervous enough as it is." Burke
stared at him hard, trying to see any sign of his alleged nervousness. He
looked relaxed and poised as always; cool, calm, and collected. "I cover it
well, but I'm about to jump out of my skin. Let's just wait until our food
comes, then we'll talk."
Josh attempted to draw Burke into conversation, but the boy didn't give
more than terse answers or replies to anything he said. Another napkin fell
under Burke's destructive fidgeting, a broken mosaic of white laying in a
pile on the burgundy tablecloth.
"Alright, enough suspense," Josh sighed, putting a sliver of sun dried
tomato into his mouth. "I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things,
but they're connected. First of all, remember when you told us that you were
gay? Well, not all of us were completely honest that night." Burke's heart
pounded, realizing that Josh hated him because of something he had wanted to
keep secret, just as he had known would happen.
"Sure Josh, I understand." Burke wondered if he could find his way home
from where they were. Not home, he reminded himself, Chris' house. He was a
visitor, a charity project, a rock among precious gems.
"What do you understand?"
"It's a problem. I figured it would be since it wouldn't look good for you
guys to be connected to me. I understand that you don't want to jeopardize
your career by having me around." He took one last sip of his water, then
pushed his chair away from the table.
Josh's arm shot out and grabbed the sleeve of his shirt. "No, you don't
understand. Please, sit down and let me finish." Burke obeyed, but stayed
ready to leave quickly if it came to that. "What I meant when I said that
not everyone was honest is that there were other things that could have been
said to make you feel better, about everything that happened that day."
Looking around to make sure no one was listening, he leaned in closer, his
voice dropping to a conspiratory whisper. "What would you say if I told you
at least one of us were gay too?"
Burke's eyes bulged. "Um, I guess I would say that was cool, but I'm not
sure I would believe you." He tried to picture everything he had done with
the guys, trying to see if there was something he missed along the way. "I
mean, you all have pretty public relationships." A light bulb went off in
his head. "Except for-"
Josh snickered. "Lance," he finished. "He likes to keep his personal life
private. Even with all the cameras around, we all try to do that. When Jus
was dating Britney, it got a little out of hand sometimes. But, no, as far
as I know, it isn't Lance." His voice dropped at little more. "I'm gay,
Burke."
Burke's breath stilled, wondering if Josh was lying or completely serious.
"Um, thanks for telling me, though you didn't have to. I promise I won't
tell a soul."
"I know you won't, and I did have to tell you. Otherwise I couldn't say the
rest of it."
"Ok, go ahead." For the first time, Josh's confident fašade wavered. A
slender finger found it's way into his mouth, its nail being gnawed upon.
That sight drove Burke to distraction, having a hard time seeing that side
of is friend. As calmly as possible, he pulled Josh's hand down, patting it
once they hit the table. "I don't know what it is Josh, but you can just say
it."
"Well--it's just that--I--I like you, Burke-"
"I like you too, Josh. You're one of my best friends."
The man smiled ruefully. "I'm glad you feel that way, but that's not what I
meant. I *like* like you." As quickly as if he had been bitten by a rabid
animal, Burke jerked his hand away from its place atop Josh's. He almost
believed he had dreamt that last moment. "Oh God! I'm sorry, Burke! I
should've kept my big mouth shut! Just--just forget I said anything." He
looked as if his heart were breaking and refused to meet Burke's gaze,
ashamed that he had presumed so much.
"Wait, Josh. I'm not mad or anything. You just surprised me, that's all."
"You sure?" he asked, his voice hopeful.
"Yeah. I mean--You? Me?" He couldn't form a decent sentence, his tongue
slow and heavy as his brain tried to find the right words.
"Why not you and me? I know there are a couple of years between us, but
that doesn't matter much to me." Burke stared at the table a million
feelings pounding in his heart. "What do you think?"
Burke looked into Josh's eyes, and felt himself sinking into the pale
blueness. For a brief moment, he could picture living within those pools.
Those thoughts, however, were quickly shoved away by the reality of what was
happening and what could happen. His cruel, brutal inner voice spoke up,
reminding him of what he was at heart. Burke would never be anything more
than a screwed up kid, and sooner or later that would rub off on everyone
else. He would be Josh's downfall, the worm in the apple. "I--why me, Josh?
There are other people, better people-"
"Stop right there. Sure, there are other people, but not one of them is
better than you are. You are a great guy, Burke. It pisses me off that
people have stomped on you so much that you think you are dirt. That's not
what I see at all. I see someone who is smart, funny, a blast to hang out
with, modest, responsible, and pretty cute."
Burke snorted. "You need to go to the eye doctor. I'm a dog."
"You only think that because other people have told you that. I'm telling
you that they are wrong. Honestly, you aren't 'take me to bed' hot. More
like your average guy type of handsome." Burke stood suddenly. "Where are
you going?"
"Um, to the bathroom real quick. I need to compose myself."
Josh looked relieved. "Alright."
Burke shuffled away, turning toward the front door once he was out of
sight. He berated himself for whatever he did to mislead Josh into thinking
he was good enough to like. He wasn't good enough to be around people that
nice. They would only hate him once they found out the truth. He stopped at
the hostess' station, wrote a quick apology to Josh, and asked her to take
it to him when five minutes had passed, adding some of the money Chris had
given him as part of his allowance. He took a long, sad look toward the back
of the restaurant, then ducked out the door. Stepping into a jerky jog, he
rushed down the sidewalk, determined to get far away before Josh had a
chance to read the letter. He wouldn't stick around to let any of them waste
more time or money on him. He wouldn't give himself the chance to ruin
everything they loved.
Josh checked his watch, waiting for Burke to come back. He slapped his
forehead, angry that he had handled the whole thing so badly. He decided to
look in on him, but the hostess appeared before he could get up. "Sir,
you're friend asked me to give you this." She gave him the slip of
paper. Flipping it open, Josh read, speeding through it, horrified.
Josh,
Thanks for lunch, I appreciate it. You are such a great person, and someone
will be lucky to have you in their life. But that person can't be me. I will
destroy everything you have worked so hard to build and accomplish. I never
want to see the look of hate in your eyes, and I know it will be there when
there is nothing left. I'm a curse, Josh. I'm not worthy of someone like
you. You are too good for shit like me. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make
you think otherwise.
Burke
"Shit! Excuse me ma'am. Do you know where he went?"
She seemed annoyed. "I'm not sure. He gave me the note, then asked me to
deliver it five minutes after he left."
"Thank you very much." He sneered at the haughty woman as she walked away.
"Damn it! Chris is going to kill me!" He grabbed his cell phone and dialed
Burke's number. "Come on Burke, pick up!" Getting no answer, he slammed it
down, earning curious glances from the other diners. "Sorry," he smiled
apologetically. Leaving a tip by his plate, Josh jumped up and raced to his
jeep, speeding off as he called Chris. "Chris? I did something real
stupid...Yeah, I told him, but I don't think I did it well...He sort of
freaked out...I can't do that. He's not here...He said he had to go to the
bathroom, but he snuck out instead. The waitress or whoever gave me a note
after he was gone...I'm looking for him Chris, but I don't know where he
went or how far he could've gone...Alright. I'm so sorry, Chris." He hung
up, his eyes scanning everyone he passed, hoping Burke would be among them.
"Please God," he prayed softly, "keep him safe, and let me find him
quickly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I said before, I am very sorry for this chapter coming out so slowly. I
hope you are pleased by what I finally managed to churn out. I promise to
get back on track soon.
You can reach me at cameronwriter@hotmail.com I greatly enjoy hearing your
viewpoints, so please write and tell me what you think.
Always,
Cameron