THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

POT NOODLES

I can’t believe it. In fact, in the spirit of the contemporary fixation with using the following two words as intensifiers: I physically, literally can’t believe it. AFB was set up to give a voice to the kind of food unlikely ever to be written about by A.A. Gill or Giles Coren (especially now that the latter only ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever writes about his daughter), or to be stuck in an atomiser by Heston, and we have so far neglected that averagest of average foodstuffs: the Pot Noodle. (Or, as Oscar Wilde might have called it, the ‘Not Foodle’. See what I did there? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)

Put this neglect down to nothing more than a simple oversight on AFB’s part. It certainly is not down to any disrespect for the humble Noodle. In fact, I come to you now to put the whole matter aright, and to declare my undying love for The Noodle.

Now, one might expect a review of the Noodle to delineate the different flavours, and to discuss each one separately. Anyone familiar with it, however, will know that any such delineation is superfluous, for they are all largely the same. (Except for the curry one, which is shit, but we’ll let that slide.) Beef and Tomato, Chicken and Mushroom, Chow Mein – they all contain an ineffable essence of Noodleness that pretty much renders their ostensible flavours obsolete. Those little chunks of soya stuff – suitable for vegetarians, BOOM! – make very little pretence of actually tasting anything like the flavour mentioned on the pot. Pot Noodle is basically the anti-Ronseal.

Don’t get me wrong, Pot Noodles do not taste exactly the same as each other, and I’m sure seasoned Noodleheads such as myself would be able to tell them apart with no trouble in a blind-tasting contest (a fab idea for a very, very wet weekend); all I’m saying is that the intrinsic Noodleness shines through.

And O what wonderful Noodleness it is! You know it’s not good foryou; you know it is not worthy or ethical or healthy, but DAYUM is it tasty! I could make some kind of crass comparison with sleeping with a no-good ex-partner, but that would be crass, and I am not crass, so I’m not going to make it.

Basically, if you don’t like Pot Noodles you are against everything that AFB stands for. May you hang your head in shame, and never readeth of this blog again. (But tell all your friends about it first.)

Pot Noodles (except the curry flavour; who the fuck wants curry noodles anyway? Curry is all about the rice man): 100000/10