Monday, 27 February 2012

“What is it that makes a person panic?” I asked the universe again and again.

A few days later I had an inspiration to go over some notes I had made years earlier when I was using insight meditation to observe my heart muscles and how they were working. This was a meditative technique I had learnt from a Burmese Buddhist master many years earlier. With insight meditation you can look inside your own body, you can observe organs, tissues and cells through direct mental perception. I will explain so you understand what I mean and maybe you can try it yourself.

In the most basic form of meditation we begin by holding a mantra in mind, such as a candle flame. It is an anchor on which we can anchor our attention or another way of saying that is we use the flame to hold our focus steady. And the aim is to reach a level of unbroken attention or steady focus.

Insight meditation uses some object of perception that we are interested in the place of a mantra. It is in some ways alike Tai Chi. It is not an easy technique to learn, much less master, but I persisted so I succeeded. At first I was asked to take a 20 foot stretch of lawn and aim to walk across it in no less than 2 hours. It was an extremely difficult task. I made a lot of effort and still I could not walk it in less than 10 minutes, let alone 2 hours. Needless to say I made little progress during the retreats. However I persevered afterwards and a year later I had made the progress that I needed. The aim at first is to observe the whole body but most particularly the legs. You observe the pressure of your foot on the ground, how the leg feels lighter and lighter as you lift it up, how the knee feels as it bends, how your balance shifts as your put your weight on the other leg and so on. Once you have mastered steadfast perception you can move up to the next level. On that level you focus on the muscle in the back of your leg, the calf muscle and you begin by observing the tension and relaxation of the entire muscle as you go through the motions of walking. On the level above that you begin to observe just a small section of the muscle tissue. As you can now see the entire calf muscle in your mind you can choose any area within it to focus your attention. You perceive the tissue cells, how they contract and expand. When you can do that you move to perceiving individual cells and finally to sub-cellular areas. That is as far as I got but I am told you can even go down to the sub-atomic level. It took some years to get this far but I still think that it is possible I might have developed this technique in some other lifetime. The reason I say this is because as a very young child I had some chewing gum stuck on the top of my head and as I was removing it I could see in my mind the roots of my hairs and the cells of the skin on the top of my head. I had noticed a slightly darker area within each cell. Years later when I learnt biology at school I remembered this experience and recognized that what I had seen was the cell nuclei.

Anyway, I had discontinued this type of meditation after I moved away from Buddhism and had joined a Sufi group. However years after, when I had some problems with my heart I was motivated to begin the practice once again. At that time I did sitting meditation and I was eventually able to recover my earlier skill and observe the muscles in my heart with a high degree of clarity. In my notes I had recorded my observations. I had found that my heart was working very hard but didn’t realize then that this was due to fear arising from real danger, although I must have had some inkling at the time because I wrote "something's wrong, something feels a bit scary but I don't know what". The changes I noticed in meditation at such times were mainly associated with changes in my breathing. I observed that my breath, which under normal meditative conditions is subtle, excited but even, had suddenly become rapid and deeper as my heart rate had increased. This I now realized was due to the action of the sympathetic nervous system, this is a part of bodily processes which are fear or what the medicos call “fight or flight response”. A short time after and as a separate event, my breathing had, a little less suddenly, become deeper, fuller. I had also noted that this change in my breathing took place as my experience became unpleasant. And this time my heart rate further increased but after my breathing deepened. So what I saw was that as my experience became unpleasant a habit kicked in. This was a habit, which no doubt, had formed in my childhood.

Using the benefit of insight observation I determined that deepening the breathing was purposeful. However where my meditation was concerned it had a detrimental effect because it blunted my awareness and hence my insightfulness, my mental vision of my heart muscles and as I had a great deal of clarity the change became very obvious. My high level of awareness was lost and the vision in my mind became blurred. However it had a seemingly beneficial effect with respect to the annoying thoughts, which I did not appreciate then were indicating danger. I was doing what all people do, and that is to seek a comfort zone. I realized as I read over my notes that a comfort zone is really nothing more than a zone of mental fuzz. We overcome the unpleasant thoughts that give rise to our emotional reactivity in our body and the unpleasantness that we experience but at a cost. I could see that deepening the breath affected awareness but I still did not understand why. Then I read another note that I had made. "I can control the heart problems by staying with the fear" I had jotted down in the margin. And below it "not trying to escape it". I remembered that I did this to try and decipher the thoughts and what was wrong. In holding this attitude I pondered about it now. I was over-riding the habit of seeking a comfort zone, lessening it whenever it arose, by staying with the fear. I realized also that this must have helped me overcome any worry because until I deciphered the thoughts it was no use trying to think over a solution.

Why, I now wondered, would breathing deeper create mental fuzz? Could it in some way relate to panic? I used the current conditions that I had at my disposal to investigate this matter further. I only needed to slightly irritate my husband with musings of leaving him for him to react so as to use the “evil conditions” or in other words call over his gun-carrying individuals and have them hover around outside. When that is all that they did the threat was mild so the conditions in my body that I had to deal with were also only mildly unpleasant. Each time I had a ten minute time interval in which to begin meditation and establish a baseline of high level awareness because it took about 10 to 15 mins for the criminals to arrive outside from the time he had called them. So I was able to notice the thoughts of danger as they appeared suddenly and briefly and then just as abruptly disappear as the habit of deepening the breath took over. And I might add here that the fear react in my body didn't go away, it was simply no longer associated consciously with the thoughts that ignited it and kept it going. Another important thing to note too was that the nasty thoughts, such as "be sorry if leave here" and "don't know what's out there" came from my husband. Notice that the way they were presented made them look like my thoughts and not as presented ideas. And furthermore as time went on and I was more prepared to be aware of the danger conditions, I was able to perceive people approaching before they were close enough for me to hear the noise of their car engines as they came up the hill. Since I could do all this I thought at the same time that I could not only observe the habit but also train myself to overcome it. And as time went on I only needed to made stronger hints at leaving for my husband to step up his threatening stance. And then I noticed that the ideas that came were not only of my husband's presentations but also snippets of the dialogue between the criminals, as in "is he going to give us a go ahead this time". I had taken some protective measures though. I had a carpenter build a massive wooden door to my bedroom with two bolt on it, top and bottom. So unless I went outside I was safe. Even so the reality of having people with guns outside, especially that were there at my husbands invitation and whom he could bring inside the house was most certainly frightening, especially when at the time I did not know what counter measures I could take. Nonetheless I needed just such a range of real conditions of danger to work with, from mild to moderate. And with one hundred thousand hours or more of meditation experience under my belt I was well positioned to conduct the experiments that I needed to do.

In the first experiment I held the attitude of “stay with the fear”. I was able to observe the thoughts of danger and glimpsed the rapid changes in my body that are the emotion of fear. Over and over I observed that this emotion was nothing more than a range of somatic reactions, which arose following from AND logically from.. the thoughts of danger. The initial processes were often too rapid to even get a glimpse of but the fear processes once established were easy to perceive. What I can say is that fear is not some psychological condition at all by physical, first, second and last! The parts of the brain, the limbic system, which I was able to glimpse had to do with accelerating the heart, heightening perception, intensifying my senses and other related functions. I would hardly call it an emotional centre as I had seen these processes in other situations that had nothing to do with emotion.

In the second experiment I allowed myself to seek a comfort zone or in other words to run away from and avoid the fear. In this experiment I was able to observe the effects of the comfort zone habit over the top of what I now knew was the basic conditions and processes in my body, the fear. The habit was still largely automatic despite the years of meditation but only while I was unsuspecting of what was happening or when I allowed it to happen. No doubt without the meditation that I had done over the years this habit would have been much more serious.
As the coping habit took a hold I saw how my higher level of my awareness was abruptly lowered becausemy attention was affected. I then took two lines of action. Sometimes I tried to reduce the breathing and I did achieve a higher level of awareness and the re-appearance in mind of the danger thoughts, but this path was difficult and not always reliable. The other method was not to try and control my breathing at all but rather to restore my concentration on my mantra, I regained attention more easily and more reliably and hence recovered the higher levels of awareness. When my higher level of awareness was restored, I noticed that my breathing had returned to being subtle, excited and even again. It returned to this state without any effort from me. And as breathing returned to normal and my awareness expanded, the thoughts reappeared. I could observe how the thoughts appeared, disappeared and reappeared again with the changes to my breathing. I did not purposefully think the thoughts again, I simply had recovered full awareness of them. So what affected my awareness. The changes I had noticed again and again were changes to my breathing. Did this affect attenion and if so how? I needed to know how changes in my breathing could be associated with my attention level. And then I did another experiment. I purposely held my breath to prevent the deeper breathing and strangely enough I found that here again the level of attention was affected. What was going on?

I had an inspiration to return to the original exercise of observing the calf muscle. I thought I was doing this to hone my skill even more. I started to do some walking meditation and I suddenly observed both the activity in the muscle but also activity in various parts of my brain and I saw that as distraction. So I sat on my cushion and tried to observe the calf muscle at rest. I noticed a small amount of activity and again I noticed activity in my brain in the same areas. I had done this exercise a number of times and then one day unexpectedly as I sat focused on the calf muscle I sensed danger and fear arose in my body. And I noticed then, that when the breathing was deepened there was increased activity in my calf muscle. I was in a deep meditative state and had also concentrated on areas in my brain as I did to glimpse the early conditions of fear. But what I noticed was that the thought activity had not really disappeared. They had only become weaker signals, far weaker than all the other neural activity taking place. I realized that my brain rationalizes its fuel materials and to accommodate those areas that need it the most. This was now areas in my brain that were needed to facilitate the changes in metabolic activity, not only in the calf muscle but the entire skeletal musculature, that is all the muscles in our body that are associated with moving the body. Fear also involves a great deal of neural activity but it specifically heightens perception and the senses. The new activity however did not include this effect. Rather it caused disruption. Thus I realized that it was not my awareness that was being affected directly but my attention and primarily because the signals were now far weaker and sometimes too weak to keep in focus.

To try and give an illustration, let's say our attention is like light focus.. like having a torch in our hands. If we enter a dark room and hold the torch steady we see clearly what was hidden by the darkness. If however we wave it about vigorously we get an incomplete picture. In this same way when the brain activity was increased my level of attention was affected, enough for me to loose the unpleasant thoughts from consciousness (awareness).

For the sake of completion I have shown in the illustration above both coping habits that people use. One, like mine elevates the metabolism and causing higher activity in the brains, which makes the thought signals weaker and hence disrupts or distracts attention. The other method, in which people hold down a breath or two and/or breath more shallowly, I strongly suspect helps them acquire a state of lethagy akin to the early stages of sleep. This must cause a lowering of attention although I do not know the mechanism. I was not able to study it as it is not my habit.

I might also say here that ordinarily thoughts arise and fade away again when they are not relevant and not significant because we give them no value. When thoughts simply arise and fade away again there is no flow on effect in the body, no emotional reactivity. The person’s high level of awareness remains undisturbed. And the body remains tranquil, operating without disturbances. In contrast we cannot dismiss thoughts that are highly relevant or significant in some way, particularly we cannot attribute 'no value' to thoughts that indicate danger. We are simply "not wired" to do that. Thus if the thoughts that arise point to such matters as danger that is inexplicable we seek to avoid them, we use denial. This method does not allow the body to become tranquil. When the breathing is deepened more oxygen is absorbed by the blood and that triggers the body to move into higher gear, higher metabolic states and specifically in the skeletal musculature, which means the body is working harder than it is required to do in ordinary states of activity as in everyday life. The other method of lowering the attention moves the body into lower than ordinary states of activity.
It is also worth mentioning that I have made another finding, much earlier when I was practicing insight meditation originally, I found that in reality there is no real subconscious (and possibly also not true unconscious). It is all a matter of attention. If we hold the attention steady, ie we concentrate then we can remain fully aware of all the thoughts /perceptions in the mind. All of the bodily structures and functions etc., that I am able to observe are not observed by some miraculous means. All I am doing is holding the attention steady, by steadfast concentration I am able to bring whichever particular aspect I wish to observe into focus. In some sense we are aware of them all, even though they exist in a nebulous form within the mindstuff, but we don't remain attentive to them. We don't need to be attentive to them all of the time. We tend to be attentive to novel things, changes, anything that looks interesting, different, new and anything that might need our attention.

At the time that I first used insight meditation I didn't understand why I was stressed. Now I understood what was being done behind my back and I found that remarkably I was able to have a much greater amount of control over the habit. It made me appreciate that the neural pathways that are forged in our brains due to experience can be modified or removed fairly easily with more awareness of the thoughts that we would otherwise have shunned. I could override the coping habit when I had knowledge. That "ah ha" experience that is talked about is much more powerful than we at first appreciate. It meant that I was able to bring the habit under my conscious control as a first step to eliminating it. These experiments, and particularly overcoming of the comfort zone, unbeknown to me at the time, were to be enormously significant in my life some years later, I was able to avert, on several occasions, serious and indeed potentially lethal heart problems because I had done this work!

It is important to say here that if you meditate you will observe that there are never a lot of different thoughts in your mind all at once. Sometimes it feels as if there is a jumble but when you can focus on what there is you will always find a thought stream or a train of thoughts. Each thought arises out of the void and returned into the void again before the next one appears. Indeed when you choose to observe some aspect of your body or some activity in your body, what you are doing is calling forth the relevant thought forms/ ideas out of an undifferentiated state, which we can call "emptiness" and bring them into a state of definition. Holding a mantra is using the defined thought forms that define the mantra to the exclusion of all other activity. And it is possible to experience expanses when there is no other activity in the mind. The mind stuff is like a huge matrix of possibilities that underpin the whole of creation. All of the body’s activities are immediately preceded by thought forms or we could call them "packets of information" that arise out of the mindstuff and become defined, but we are not normally aware of them at the precise moment that this happens because our minds are not focused but distracted with a lot of other things. The realization of there being thought forms or "packets of information" arising just prior to each and every action that we do was a crucial observation that enabled me to create and use mental precriptions. Changes in the body can only be brought about by changes in the mindstuff and that means the choosing and twigging of information. It is not some mysterious energy that has some magical effect on body structures or functions as many New Age healers are selling to the public. What is even more important is that self-prescribed and self-administered mental prescripitions are the absolute tools to deal with your health -with 100% results, satisfaction guaranteed. In most cases, no need of doctors. I have successfully battled very bad conditions and gained fantastic results without a doctor in sight, not even through a telescope, and for seven years now!

Monday, 20 February 2012

The next confessions that came and the incidents that happened at this time, shed light on the matter of pathological stress and helped me to later understand how it is brought into being. Indeed if my husband had not admitted to such things as are done and thus shed light on the matter, I would never have known anything. I never thought that the things he described could be thought of let alone be done to people.

I became a lot more aware and I began to see that there was a presence of people around me, whether I was at home or out doing my shopping, visiting friends etc., I took note of what was happening around me. I even bought a camera to record what was going on around me. At home it was more obvious. I noticed strange characters arrive and park their cars in the street outside our house and it was these that gave me the most information. I saw an association between their presence and my heart and breathing problems. When I felt anxious I could go to the window and look outside, and always saw the two cars that I had seen on the night that he threatened me. Sometime I even caught a glimpse of the men in the vacant block that adjoined our yard on the one side. When I felt well and looked out there were never strangers around nor their cars. And I saw one other very disturbing thing. If I had voiced any disagreement with my husband on some important issue then within a ten or fifteen minute period I would feel anxious and sure enough there were people outside. Years earlier I had learnt to control these health problems, enough to prevent harm. On one occasion a man had come into our yard from the back of an adjoining empty block of land that adjoined another street so I called the police but he was gone by the time the police arrived. I told them about the people going onto the empty block next door but they said they would not come to my aid if the offenders had not actually stepped onto my property and that furthermore if my husband had invited them, I could not get police help unless they had threatened me directly or done me any physical harm.

Owing to the continuing presence of strange people around me when I went out to do my shopping etc., I decided to go to the domestic violence section of the police. I thought maybe I could get the police to stop them from being around me. The policeman I spoke to was very supportive but said there was little he could do unless there was physical violence. But he said that what I described was mental cruelty and that this was acknowledged in the courts even though the medical profession did not acknowledge it at all. However he said I needed evidence. I would have to see exactly the same person or persons near me on at least three successive occasions and that preferably there needed to be independent evidence or a reliable witness. The time that I had the greatest chance to gather such evidence was at home but they came in the dark and I could not reliably ascertain that each time they were the same people. I had bought a video camera but even with night shot vision I could not get much unless I happen to see them leaving and then when the lights were on the number plate I got a few shots of them. This was hardly enough evidence.

I told the police officer about my husband’s confessions and at that time he had written several pages. I handed over the exercise book and he read it. He said “if he is writing the stuff down, get him to sign and date it as well!" However the officer did admit that he didn't know how useful it would be in court. He also told me about a women’s shelter that I should look into if I need to go somewhere in the future. When I asked for the phone to be tapped to at least find out who my husband was ringing the policeman said he could not do that as there needed to be strong evidence before the phone could be tapped.

When I got home I told my husband I wanted him to sign and date the material he was prepared to write down. His response was "not a problem" and immediately began to write..

“I, (stating his full name), CONFESS THAT I HAD MY WIFE FOLLOWED OFTEN WHEN SHE WAS DRIVING HER CAR TO AND FROM THE SYDNEY HOME, AT (gave the full address). THE STALKING EVEN TOOK PLACE WHEN I WAS PRESENT IN THE CAR WITH HER. THE AIM WAS TO UNSETTLE (stated my name), THROUGH SYSTEMATIC MENTAL CRUELTY. AS A RESULT I SUCCESSFULLY DESTROYED HER HEALTH.”

He wrote it in his normal handwriting, even though the first such entry he made was printed in capitals and he signed with his normal signature. He did not have a problem in writing it down and signing it and dating it. He calmly told me that if challenged about it, all he had to do was say “Oh I just wrote these things down and gosh I don’t know why I did it” and added with supreme confidence that “he would get away with it”. He arrogantly proclaimed that it did not constitute evidence as he said “good people don’t like to believe that such things happen”. Then added "a psychiatrist would only find fault with you, he'd say you were the one that's crazy. So” he said emphatically “any statements, whether signed and dated or not, means nothing!” In contrast to this confident outburst he had an enigmatic element in his voice and in his demeanour, an element that seemed to be indicating a need to be exposed. On a few occasions thereafter he said “maybe some day good people will believe what I have written and want to investigate this matter further”. And over the coming weeks he wrote more blatant confessions again and again. As for instance

“I had attempted to destroy my wife's mental health completely with devastating physical affects produced. These attempts were increased when she stopped driving on her own (owing to bad health whilst in Sydney). I felt satisfied at the results that I had seen. I was jealous of my wife’s abilities, which were much superior to mine and I felt inferior to her. I saw my wife experience extreme difficulty in breathing and I was feeling delighted.” Signed.

And the following… “I engaged hit men to frighten my wife when she was traveling alone or with others, including myself. My wife's health deteriorated under this attack. She seemed to be unable to carry out simple activities which are normally taken for granted eg watching TV, reading a book. She was unable to walk through the adjoining small park.” This was also signed and dated.

I wanted to leave, get a divorce and move on with my life but my gut feeling was "stay there". I felt that there was an unknown danger that held me back and as I discovered later some of my friends, people I trusted were not friends but enemies. They would have certainly betrayed me. Then I chanced upon an article in a magazine that I had recently bought. It said that about 65% of women and 45% of men who are divorced are worse of years after their divorce than during the bad marriage. I had a fair idea by now that he was not alone, that he had those he called "his people" whom he could call on to have me stalked and terrorized. I also knew that he had known all of my friends and relatives so he could easily find me if I went to any of them to get emotional support. Furthermore at that time I did not know who among them was friend and who was foe. I decided to stay until I had enough information about how the health problems were brought into being and then I would leave.

Every day, morning and night the confessions continued.
“You say you must be in a relationship of some sort with the person?”
“Yes. Without relationship nothing can be done” he said. “If the evil one is a relative, spouse or already a friend then it is easy because the connection is already there. You only need to keep doing things to keep getting the person’s trust. If you are not related to the target and you want to stand back from the action then you get one or two evil ones to befriend the target. Evil ones as I told you use procedures. One procedure helps the evil ones to get the target to trust them and to become a close friend once the target trusts them…”
“Woo woo woo stop there a minute what sort of procedure gets you trust?” I laughed but his explanation was chilling.
“You arrange to make them anxious. A meeting is arranged somewhere and when you arrive at the meeting place, you have their anxiety vanish. That way they get a good feeling associated with your arrival.” I started laughing again. How on earth can you make a person anxious when you're not even there and then make it go away when you arrive?" I asked not wanting to believe that this was possible. This sounded absurd. He never lost his composure but grinned in a way that said "I know things that you don't know".
“How on earth can you make a person anxious, and before you arrive?" I asked again, demanding to know. "Do you say something to them on their mobile phone or something?”
“No” he resounded and then remarked “you don’t know anything about the procedures.”
“Then tell me about them” again I demanded, still not expecting to hear anything sensible.

“First, you introduce the target to the crims.”
“Introduce them?” This was too much! I must have looked completely dumbfounded as I looked across at him.
“Not in the way you’re thinking” he replied. “You have to take the target somewhere where they can see one or more of the crims” he told me and gazed at me with eyes of black glass.
“Go on” I said, still looking back at him in disbelief. I had seen his malice now on many occassions but even so it was still difficult to accept or even believe.
“The evil one” he began, grinning all the while, “gets the target to go out somewhere with them. They may go for a coffee in a coffee shop or go shopping together. It has to be something ordinary because a normal approach is always used by evil ones.” And of course this reference to an evil one was to himself.
“I see” I said and again prompted him to continue.
“A busy public place is good because there are lots of other people around so the crims are just people in the crowd.”
“well if there are lots of people around and the crims blend in, then how is the person going to see just the people you want them to see, or doesn’t that matter?”
“Oh it matters” he responded immediately. “A minor incident is created so that the target’s attention is drawn to the crims. The crims may be other evil people” he said “or they may just be common criminals who have done time for something, murder, armed robbery, rape, that kind of thing.” He then added “the incident is minor; minor” he stressed, tapping his index fingers on the table authoritatively “minor is the operative word”. “One just wants the target’s attention. One doesn’t want the target to remember them and recognize them later.”
“You don’t want the person to remember them later?”
“The target must be able to be aware of the crims without realizing it” he said.
“Unconsciously?” I suggested.
“Yes” he replied, “I suppose you can call it that” and shrugged his shoulders.
“Go on... then what?”
“Once introduced the evil one can then use those crims to stress the target, make them anxious.”
“So how is that done?”
“The evil one waits a few days and then makes another arrangement to meet the target somewhere. Or another way is if they have offered any information as to their movements to someone else. If this method is used then that information must be gathered by some other evil ones, who you may know whoever the someone else is.. a friend of the target's or whatever.. but the target doesn’t know you know them or know any others who know that person, only then it’s safe to use it. For instance the target may have revealed that they are going to Myers to buy a new dress to a friend. That information can then be passed on to you via someone that knows you and knows the target's friend, so you know when and where to find the target. It is important not to arouse the target’s suspicion.” He paused, grinned then puckered his lips. “In this latter method when the evil one goes to meet the target it must look like pure chance” he said and broke up laughing. Indeed he laughing as if someone had told him a really good joke.

“Go on” I continued to prompt him, even though I felt disgusted at his display of callousness.
“First the crims are given the information and find the target and hang around in the vicinity of the target but they do not approach the target nor do they do anything obvious. If the evil one only wants the target a little anxious then the crims can be told to just hang about talking among themselves about the target, talking about 'maybe doing something'. That is usually enough to make the target anxious but as the crims dress well and they don’t act strange and blend into the crowd they are not noticed. It becomes very confusing for the target because they feel something is wrong, but when they look around they can’t see anything wrong. It can be a real blow to their self-confidence.” He grinned with delight. I tried to keep my attention on his words and the notes I was taking but I did not like what I was hearing.
“So you’re saying that the person unconsciously knows the criminals are near them because they have seen them before but don’t realize it. And further to that they unconsciously know that the criminals are talking about maybe doing them harm… possibly” I asked not wanting to believe that not only can a person unconsciously know something like that, but that such things could be thought of and done to another person.
“It only works if the target has seen the crims previously” he said “and they don’t become obvious”.
“That’s sick” I told him angrily, even though I was still resisting the very idea. He looked at me contemptuously and told me I was just naïve like most good people and that the world was not a nice place then he went on one could say with "utter objectivity!

“The crims move on and leave the area, as they have been instructed to do, as soon as they see the evil one arrive or they may be given an instruction by mobile phone to get a move on because the evil one is there somewhere and ready to approach the target. With the crims gone the target feels good again, but they attribute it to the arrival of the evil one, whom of course they think is their friend.” He grinned with a sparkle in his eyes and continued. “So an association can be built in the target between feeling good and the appearance or presence of the evil one. This is a good way to manufacture trust but you can also use a modification of this procedure to manufacture other things too, such as consent for something… conformity and other things.” I stared at him for a while not knowing what to say. After a short silence he wrote down what he had written and continued. “Once the target trusts the evil one, they are likely to confide in them and that gives the evil one a lot of information, such as where and when they plan to go somewhere and what they plan to do for instance, or they may tell you their fears or their aspirations, their plans for the future and so on. All this is useful information. It can be used, it’s the ammunition one needs to do evil work.” I started at him angrily.
“So you arranged for me to have seen these characters, who are outside at night? You arranged for them to know me?” He grinned as he admitted it. He told me that I had seen them in the city and specifically when we were at the herbalist. He had come with me to the hervalist for support! He said that they were on the opposite side of the road. I did not remember it at first but then I realized there were a few occasions when I saw some men on the opposite side of the road. I remembered because at the time I felt uneasy by their presence. They gave me "a bad feeling"and I had pointed them out and complained to him about them. He had said that I was over-reacting and that they were ‘just people in the street’.
“Yes I remember” I said.
“You were too suspicious" he said "but you accepted my put off” he added with satisfaction. Unfortunately I had trusted him.

That day we stopped earlier than usual as I was too angry at what I had heard. I went over this material, over and over, even though it made me angry every time I thought about it, I wanted to be certain I understood it all. What he had told me sounded surreal but at the same time I realized there was at least one piece of evidence that made me unable to let it go. Since the threat to my life was made openly, I had found the cause of my anxiety, especially that which I experienced very late at night. At those times I had gotten out of bed and gone to my window. Each time I saw one or two particular cars parked in the street. And I knew that they did not belong to neighbors or neighbours' friends. At that time on the one side there was an empty house and on the other a vacant block of land. Opposite there were also two vacant blocks of land. On a few occasions I had heard the cars arrive and looked out to see two men emerge. Rarely did they hang around on the footpath. Mostly they went into the vacant block next door. If I felt some anxiety I always went to look out of my window and I always saw the cars and on a few occassions I glimpsed the men in the empty block next door, which was heavily wooded and not easy to see people if they were there. And that anxiety did not occur after I’d seen the cars but before! At times that I did not feel any anxiety I never saw the men or their cars.

There was at this time another piece of evidence. That evidence was to be found in my husband’s own experience. I had unwittingly conducted an experiment that day, which bore results. Many afternoons I made a recording of the things that were said that day before I converted it into note form, because he did not write everything he said down and my notes were sketchy. That day my cats, Pussinella jumped up onto my desk, as was her practice and rolled over wanting me to pat her, which I did. However as there was a lot to record I continued to speak into the microphone. I was quite angry for the deceit he had admitted that day, in making me known to the criminals that were now harassing me. I was speaking angrily and to try and calm down I turned the recording into a conversation with my cat. I sounded off about my husband and repeatedly told her I would get evidence and take it to the police, which I did intend to do. I wanted the police to catch the people he had turning up outside so I could leave safely. After half an hour I turned off the tape recorder and settled down at the computer to write. Not more than twenty minutes had passed when my husband came to my door and came at me in a huff.
“Who were you talking to?” He demanded to know. I was taken aback.
“I didn’t talk to anyone I told him.”
“You told someone about me?” He insisted. I told him no, he was mistaken, and challenged him.
"So what was I supposed to have said?" I asked him. He could not answer me on this and the subject was dropped. Not even for a moment had I had considered the recording and the mock conversation with my cat.

A few nights later this incident came to my mind and I had puzzled over his reaction. Then I remembered my cat and the mock conversation. I wondered could it be possible that he could have detected it. In the coming days I repeated the experiment deliberately. However I was not angry and even if I tried to sound angry I obviously did not had the same effect because he made no complaints. Indeed I had been recording the conversations from the very first day and he had not complained or detected anything. A week later I was again feeling angry about something he had done in the past that he was now admitting to, and as the first mock conversation with my cat had helped me diffuse the anger, I did the same again. However this time I had a lot of work to do, so I did not have the conversation until late that night. As I had the whole day to think about it by the time I got round to recording, I was quite angry. This time I did the exercise deliberately and more intensely and as an experiment because I was curious about the previous occasion. He was in his room watching television and I kept a watch of the corridor through the use of a mirror and I made sure my voice was nearly a whisper. Even so his room was too far from mine for me to be heard. I never saw him come out of his room. I was satisfied he could not have heard anything. However the next day he confronted me again and demanded to know who I spoke to. This time he was angrier and he was carrying the long wooden handled clothes brush and threatened to bash me with it if I didn’t tell him, to whom I had spoken about him. I was forced to reveal to him the experiment- the mock conversation with my cat in order to calm him down. He searched my eyes and then throw down the brush and stormed off. Only on the two occasions when I was actually angry did he detect anything and only on those two occasions, as I realized later, had I talked about getting evidence for the police. Thus I realized he must have expereinced somevulnerability and fear.

Another, third piece of evidence came and this time from science. One night not too long after the discussion about creating anxiety, I was hunting through my tapes to find an old Greek movie I had recorded from television to watch. It was a ten hour extended play cassette tape, on which I had a lot of stuff, including some documentaries. It was one of those documentaries that I chanced upon, as I was fast forwarding through the tape that caught my attention. The documentary was about human extrasensory perception or ESP, also known as psi. It pricked my curiosity so I watched it instead of the movie. ESP is scoffed at by mainstream science, however there was one aspect, although not without its critics, that they agreed was at least reproducible in the laboratory and thus considered real by some scientists. This aspect is called precognition or preselection. This phenomenon, as several scientists on the documentary stated, was the easiest to prove in the laboratory. And while the results were indisputable, there was a lot of criticism about what the results meant. Lay people do not realize that experimental results are only the beginning. Such results have to be interpreted and explained. This means that the scientist's understanding and their personal bias can become a factor in determining what the results mean. Some wanted to write off the results as spurious, even thought they were reproducible.

In precognition experiments a subject is seated before a computer screen asked to observe a wide variety of images that are randomly selected by the computer and displayed on the screen. The subject is 'wired up' so that his or her vital signs can be measured. It is found that when a computer randomly selects a distressing image and not only before the image is display, but even before the distressing image is selected by the computer, the subject’s displays symptoms of distress. The most common symptoms monitored are heart rate and sweat rates. These symptoms increased in the first instance slightly and then significantly once the distressing image is seen by the subject. How can a subject know what they are about to see? Even more so how can they know what a computer is about to choose? Some scientists were claiming that we may have some extraordinary evolutionary trait to help us predict the future. I’m afraid I found that explanation far-fetched. For one thing that would mean that we live in a deterministic universe and we can see conclusive evidence from modern physics that most definitely we do not live in a deterministic universe! However even from an ethical point of view it is does not make sense because if the future was all pre-determined, we cannot be responsible for anything. Why punish a criminal if the crime is pre-determined and they are only ‘a machine pre-programmed to do the deed’? It’s garbage! Other scientists were challenging the person’s ability to know. They were saying that the brain waves or energy produced in the brain was too weak. So by the time it passes out of the skull it was nearly zero so cannot detect anything in the computer. Quite so! But their suggestions rested on there being only a materialistic universe and nothing else. Whether this phenomenon is understood or not, the person does know, the results are real.

I realized then that scientists, the majority of whom are atheists, are looking strictly at material solutions. What I realized from this documentary was that it is possible to prove scientifically and conclusively that a person can know something even though they have no sensory information. So what my husband was describing could be examined and observed.. scientifically!

This documentary spoke of a subject and a computer. My husband was advocating the following:-
1.people in relationship, which was a necessary conditon,
2. the target had to be introduced to the criminals before hand,
2. the person seeking to do harm needs to have real means or the ability to act, a gun and
3. the person seeking to do harm needs to be able to hold real criminal intent.

To proof these thing was critical for me. Being a scientist myself, I wanted the evidence that satisfied me.

I wanted to answer the question "are we all born with some natural ability that we could use to our benefit? And if so then we need to be able to speak about it without feeling shame and without it being treated as a symptom of ‘mental illness’. The medical profession treat a gut feeling as delusional and they flatly deny the existence of ESP, relationship or no relationship. What my husband was saying was that a person was capable of insightfully perceiving danger that was posed by other people, provided that he or she had met the people who posed the danger before hand. This was the first piece of information that explained how a person can be affected and seriously affected from a distance! AND how it brought into being the physical symptoms. Danger causes us to feel fear and the medicos call it psychological but I was now starting to realize that it isn't psychological at all but physical. We feel fear in the body because it is none other than a variety of bodily processes that are ignited to prepare us for action should we need to take action.

In the following confessions he revealed to me how this simple means can be turned into a potent force, not merely to give someone a serious scare and make them panic, but far more seriously later on he admitted how it could be used to affect a person’s heart, even enough to kill them. I was to discover how a healthy heart can be made to suffer a heart attack!

“We have already talked about how to make the target trust the evil one” he began the next day bright and early. Indeed the early morning bird calls were everywhere around us. “You’re clear on that now?” he asked, the presence of the university lecturer in him was never far away.“Yes, I have understood so far” I said, “so now what happens once the target trusts you?” I asked as I began to light the candles that were standing in rows, now permanently stuck to the table.“Well, Mr Nice Guy” (a reference he had started making to himself), “can then start using a procedure to condition and gain control over the target”.

“Condition them in what way?” I asked and I knew to some extent he spoke about me, but I was not the only one he had maltreated, not by a long way. “The target must be conditioned by making them feel intense fear and be controlled” he explained. “How can you make a person feel intense fear” I asked him. His eyes lit up almost as bright as the candlelight, but with a sheer black sheen. “As I told you it is done from a distance” he replied looking satisfied. I had observed by now that anxiety could be caused under certain conditions because a person in a close relationship with another person, whether a good or bad relationship, can become insightful. However I was very curious as to how intense fear could possibly be achieved.

“Go on” I prompted him.“Once again you need information as to where you can pin point the target in space and time” he said.“I presume you mean where you can find them, specifically in a public place?”“That is most desirable” he said. “It doesn’t have to be a public place but a busy public place means it is easy to bring the hoods in close proximity to the target, without arousing suspicion. And as I have said all along they don’t act strange” he stressed. “They can be seen as hoods but they must not make obvious signs that connect them to the target. The best result is achieved if they don’t look like hoods at all. If they are dressed in a suit looking like a professional person talking on a mobile. If there is more than one then they may stand around talking among themselves.”“Why is it better to have the hoods or crims, whatever you call them, to look good? Surely” I asked, “if they look like hoodlums wouldn’t they be more likely to unsettle the person or ‘the target’ to use your language? And if the person is unsettled maybe you can get them afraid.” He grinned at me and then gave me an explanation which later on led me to a most significant discovery.

“If the hoods you ask to do the job look like hoods, then the target can certainly be unsettled and fearful, but they can’t be made to panic in that way. The procedure to make the target panic requires for the hoods to not be obvious… it is best if they look ordinary. They must be seen as ordinary, everything must look ordinary… the whole scene must look ordinary… The target is at a complete loss as to where the danger that they feel is coming from if everything looks ordinary.” “Only that way” he said, “can the target be made to panic. If they see anything suspicious they’ll be frightened and maybe even panicky but they will not be really panicked. And if they are not really panicked” he added in a matter-of-fact manner, “then the evil one doesn’t get an edge.” He grinned and looked pleased with himself. I found this extraordinary but questioning him further about it didn’t immediately yield anything more. He kept insisting “the target must be at a loss to know what is happening if they are to be made to feel intense fear and to panic”.

“How can you get intense fear to start with?” I asked.

“Once the hoods start talking amongst themselves about maybe shooting the target” he said. “We got action!” “We got action?” I asked, “what does that mean?”“Well firstly the target is scared” he said “really scared!” “I don’t believe you are going to make someone feel intense fear just by getting a bunch of hoods talking about maybe shooting the person, especially when they are dressed to look ordinary” I told him. “Do they have a gun?” I asked and once again he grinned.“I am calling them hoods” he said in measured tones, “but of course they are what are known as gun-carrying individuals”. “So they have a gun? They’re armed?” “Yes” he said and then stressed “the conditions must be real otherwise the procedure won’t work. Yes, of course they are armed” he confirmed. “At least one of them is carrying a revolver. And they are crims, some may have done time for armed robbery or murder.” I was stunned; not only for his admission but that he would know such people. I slumped back in my chair so that the high table and the candles covering it hid him from view, more or less. I found it very hard to listen to what he was saying but at the same time I was driven, so I sat up straight again and asked.

“So you know criminals that have done time and are out in the community again?” He looked down and wrote something, taking his time before he answered my question. “I don’t know the crims. I only know the overseer, one or two of the bosses!” he exclaimed. “Who are the bosses and how do you get to know them? Surely you would have to be a part of …” I stopped, yet again I found myself not wanting to accept that he had anything to do with any underworld, even in the face of what I had seen and was experiencing. “You live in the world you like to believe in” he said, “all good people think the world is different to what it really is. The world is a bad place” he emphasized. “And the underworld is not what you see on television. Most people in the underworld these days have no criminal record. They have jobs and families and they appear respectable, regular guys… nice guys” he emphasized. This was not what I wanted to hear at all but I prompted him to go on. “I told you there are many levels, and people on one level don’t generally know people on another level. A few people know people on a level immediately above them and others know people on a level immediately below them. For instance I don’t know the people at the very top but I also don’t know the people at the bottom either and I don’t have to.”“So you’re telling me that there is a big organization… what like the mafia?” I asked.“NO, NO, NO!” he resounded. “I already told you there are just networks, people who know other like-minded people. You’re not going to find any organizations and signed up memberships” he said and laughed. “So who are the bosses that you just mentioned” I asked.“Oh” he said “these are people who know criminals. Criminals are a sought after commodity” he offered and made a shuffling gesture with his right hand. “Evil people use them, use their services to help them gain power and influence over the people they want to control.”“So the bosses are part of the lower levels!” I suggested.“Yes” he said. “They hire the criminals as appropriate, depending on what you want done. Not all types of crims have the same effect.”“And you obviously know one of the bosses”.“I’m not going to tell you who I know but I will tell you that I know more than one of the bosses, I know several of them, especially in Sydney.

I summed up for him. “So real criminals are employed”, he nodded, “with a real gun in their pocket.. and loaded” and again he nodded. “They are told where they can locate the person that is going to be victimized and proceed to locate the person.” He puckered his lips this time in response but it was a nod. “They look ordinary and they don’t act strange.” He continued to pucker his lips. “And they talk about maybe shooting the person.” “Yessssss” he hissed at me when I had finished speaking. “Right so far” he said and made a tick in the air with his finger, as if he was passing me through some oral exam.

“I can accept that maybe they can make the person scared, if the person is insightful enough, but you reckon that person will panic.”“There is a bit more to it” he said and launched into yet another lecture-like discourse. “As you now appreciate…” he said grating his words, “the people need to be connected for this to work”. He glared at me. It was the day after I had admitted to the experiment that I had done, in talking about him in a mock conversation with my cat. He was still angry but he continued nonetheless. “There are two relationships. One is between the target and the crims, which the target doesn’t realize. The other one and the one that counts is between the target and the evil one, whom the target trusts.” He thought for a moment and then continued. “Timing is all important” he said. “The evil one needs to know when the crims approach the vicinity of the target. Depending on the circumstances this can be pre-arranged or a message can be passed by mobile phone. This can be done directly to the evil one or it can be done through the boss… or” he paused a moment once again, looked coy and then said “the info can be gained from the target.” Then with a renewed air of confidence he added. “The evil one can get the target to ring them if they are just about to leave somewhere or on arriving somewhere and so on.” I realized then why he had an obsession with my ringing him to tell him where I was and when and where I was going. He wanted to know when I had left my sister’s place or arrived at the supermarket etc. He gloated as he gazed at me for a minute or so as if he knew what I was thinking but said nothing and continued with his discourse.

“At the right time the evil one entertains the thought that the target could be shot. The crims must be really there, otherwise it won’t work. The matter is real only when the crims are there and only when these guys are willing to go ahead if a go-ahead were given” he admitted.“What then?” I asked, feeling sick to the stomach. He was so dark and on top of that I had not seen any of it all those years! How could I have not seen it, how could I have not suspected anything? I knew this was not something to beat myself up about though, after all I knew many other women and some men too, who, as it was clear to me now had been placed in similar situations and not suspected anything either.

“The target mentally perceives the danger and thinks that something bad could happen to them but they can’t see anything around that looks out of the ordinary. They react to the thoughts that they have. Some people might ring the evil one that they trust for moral support" he said and laughed. "Others might just have thoughts like ‘please don’t let anything bad happen to me’” he said and began laughing senselessly. “I suppose they don’t know that they are in effect seeking help or maybe pleading for mercy from someone who wouldn’t even know the word enough to look it up in the dictionary” I retorted. For a moment I thought he’d stop laughing and feel ashamed by the things that he had done but that did not happen.“Something like that” he said laughed even harder.

I would have said this whole thing was crazy but for the fact that I had had four panic attacks some years earlier. Each time I did get a thought that some danger was looming or that something bad might happen to me. And furthermore I’d known others who had said the same. On the internet I had read that everyone that suffers a panic attack has the same type of thoughts. I had not said anything to him or anyone else about what thoughts had crossed my mind, yet he described accurately some of what I had thought and felt. It had never occurred to me that my husband was in any way involved. I was stunned but at the same time I felt riled. However my burning desire for information again took over and I easily dismissed the thoughts that made me angry. I lit another candle, composed myself and said,“go on”. He continued.

“The evil one, unbeknown to the target, has the power of life and death over them” he said looking across at me with glee, but I remained silent, unmoved. I was determined not to react. He hung his head for a moment or two and then continued. “The evil one can give a go-ahead if they want to or they can call it all off if they want to” he said and paused. “In any case after the person has been panicked for ten or fifteen minutes, you let them off!” He said as he flicked his index finger from the back of his thumb. “By that time the target has got the message” he added. “Got what message?” “Well you make them panic if they don’t do what you want… such as wanting to go to job interviews” he growled.

“So you arrange for the person to have a panic attack at a time when they will associate it with something that you want them to do or not to do?” I asked, trying to keep the matter impersonal. However it was hard not to remain unmoved. I had experienced a panic attack just before my first job interview and even though I attended it, I did not come across very well as I had been badly shaken.
“I was ready to go to another interview after the first time though” I said stubbornly. This time however I’d had a panic attack at home and it disabled me so badly I decided against going to the interview. I knew I would not be able to be at my best. He puckered his lips but didn’t say anything. “And I was still ready to go after the second one too, and I would have if my health had not suffered.” He ignored what I had said and continued on saying…“Usually the target agrees to whatever it is that the evil one wants, not to go somewhere, not to do something, not to disagree with the evil one and so on… the list is endless. And of course” he added “they don’t know it!” Certainly I did not know he was behind my health problems.

“Once you have conditioned the person in this way, I suppose you reckon you control them” I said indignantly and as an after thought I added, “although getting someone not to do one thing is hardly ‘controlled.’” He did not answer to this immediately and I did not press him for any answer. I dismiss the matter and asked him to go on but he did not want to let the matter go.“Firstly to address the matter of controlled” he said belligerently, “it is not a matter of just one thing. Success in getting results means you aim to get more and more until you dictate what the other can or cannot do! Men should be the ones that make the decisions. The woman needs to learn to be obedient to the wishes of her husband! She needs to know her place.” “That is last century stuff” I retorted. “There are many men who use these methods” he said.“You are a professional person, educated...” I stared at him in disbelief.“Yes” he agreed and added “I’m not the only one like me” he emphasized, “that is doing this sort of thing”. “You are going to tell me that doctors and lawyers and what, engineers and so on do this sort of thing?” I wanted to put him down but he came back even stronger. “Yes, some people from all of the above do” he insisted. “I’ve told you about it” he said and then pointing his finger repeatedly at me he added. “If you don’t want to believe it that is not my fault”. He glared at me for a while and then slyly added “the woman doesn’t realize anything. She thinks she has medical problems and her husband is her savior, her best friend in the world” he laughed with vulgarity this time nearly falling from his chair. I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I didn’t know whether he was just baiting me. I shrugged this off and continued to question him.

“And you reckon you got that sort of control over me?” “No” he admitted you posed problems”. That was interesting, so I asked.“What problems?” “Well firstly you could sense danger before the time was right to get the desired effect. You are too intuitive” he said looking particularly ungracious at having to admit to partial failure. “Anything else?” I asked. “Well another problem was that too often you still went against me anyway.”“You didn’t get the desired effect in other words, despite the threats to my life? So let me remind you I’m here to hear everything, while you have things to say and then I will leave, whether dead or alive.” He growled like a wild animal caged but suddenly he changed tack and even appeared friendly! “I have agreed to talk to you and I am telling you as much as I can” he said.“Everything… I want to know everything” I told him.“I am not going to give you names” he said.“I am not interested in names” I told him, “I am interested in what is said and done by those you call ‘your people’… evil people” I said. I was trying to spell out what I wanted. He nodded but did not say anymore that day. However he had described the basic means to ‘causing a person grief’ as he’d euphemistically describe the harmful acts. In particular he had said that to get the person to panic was ‘the mildest dose of grief’. He further told me that this was the kernel of the procedures used to ‘bring on a heart attack’.

That day and night I puzzled over the idea that a person victimized in the way in which he described needed to be kept totally ignorant of the truth in order to make them panic. Why would a person panic if they can’t see anything wrong? Why when everything looks ordinary? Surely, I thought. “if a person had sensory information that all looked well around them.. surely it would allay their fears. However there was a problem with my reasoning for I knew by then that any danger a person is able to insightfully perceive, owing to relationship, and if it is real danger, would make them fearful. I realized that when the danger is real the thoughts that indicate danger cannot simply be dismissed.

From my meditational practice over the years I had seen time and time again those thoughts that are imaginary and have no reality or that are not relevant or not significant enough to us, can be discharged from mind. But in recent times I had begun to appreciate that thoughts can’t simply be dismissed if they depict reality, especially if they are thoughts that indicate a threat to a person’s life. If the matter is serious and pending it needs addressing so it is natural for those thoughts to persist. Thoughts of danger and especially looming danger necessarily generate fear and I could see that intense fear under the circumstances was justifiably ignited. Fear is a natural reaction that helps us prepare to confront danger. Fear means our body’s energy producing processes are ignited so that we can take action if we need to run away or defend ourselves. Fear also puts us on high alert.

However I wondered, what happens if everything around us looks ordinary? A person cannot correlate the thoughts of danger and the associated fear with anything that we can see or hear around them. Perhaps the person comes to doubt their own thoughts and feelings? Maybe they do just loose confidence in themselves. But I couldn’t see how this would lead one to panic. “What is it that makes a person panic” I asked the universe.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Cancer is not a simple matter to explain, with respect to how it comes about, but I can tell you this to begin with.. it most certainly is NOT what the doctors are saying. It has nothing to do with diet, nothing to do with mutant genes and nothing to do with the physical environment. The journey to explain it is long so I will begin by saying something that I know will raise more questions than it answers but I promise I will discuss all that I have discovered and I also want to help others discover this information for themselves. Knowledge is a good start but realization is necessary if you want to be empowered.

Okay let me give you a definition for what cancer is in a nut shell. Cancer is about stem-cell mediated immunity.. erroneously ignited in the body. It is generated by the body for a purpose but that purpose is mistaken. Once you understand the problem and you have an ah ha! experience of realization, then your body will stop producing more cancer cells and begin the mopping up operations.. in other words remission. And there is more! I have discovered how to stimulate this process to hurry up the remission in a far shorter time than the body would otherwise take.

Stem cell mediated immunity sounds like a "mouth full" and you say I have no medical background to understand this. You don't need it. Suffice to say that in the tissues of our bodies we have cells called stem cells. What makes these cells special is that they can change their genetic expression and become something other than what they are at any given time. So from specialized cells of the various tissues in which they are found they can undergo change and they can, for instance become less specialized. In this less specialized form the body uses them as barrier cells or resistance cells. Alternatively /or in addition they may change their specialty and even become advanced combat cells. The good news is that once the person/ person's body realize that they don't need to have them in this form they can and do change back to fully-specialized, fully-functional cells of whatever tissues they belonged to! And excesses are removed by normal cell death, a process that doctors call apoptosis. I am living proof of all this. And the evidence is in my body. If my lymph glands were tested there would be cancer cells to be found. Why? Because the body keeps copies of all immune products and cancer cells.. I prefer to call them barrier cells or shield cells because that is what they are.. so as I was saying cancer cells are immune products and nothing more.

Let me give you a short history of my experience with cancer.
The first time I got cancer was in 1993 and it was already stage 4 when I discovered it. It was inoperable, in the ovaries, uterus, bowel and lungs. I had no idea what to do but I had a gut feeling to leave Cairns and return to Sydney. Unable to make the journey alone, and with my husband unable to help me, I found someone to help me drive my car back and my gut feeling was saying to me cut all your ties with everyone you left behind. I did not know why I had this feeling but I followed it. I also had the feeling to take my time getting back to Sydney as I thought I had nothing to look forward to but I thought some bush walks, would be a good idea. We stopped every day at some national park or woodlands and did a meditative walk. At first I could only manage fifteen minutes but by the end of the first week and a third of the way down the Queensland coast I could manage much more, about an hour with one stop to rest. By the time we arrived at the New South Wales border, some two thousand kilometers journey from Cairns and another two weeks of travelling, I could now manage to walk two hours.. no problem! We then decided to drive inland and three weeks later in the Blue Mountains behind Sydney I felt quite well and fit but I still had some symptoms. However many of the serious symptoms had abated and some had disappeared altogether. I knew I was on the mend without having anyone to say anything. In six months and with the help of some Chinese medicine I went from inoperable and for the trash can, to free of cancer and a new lease on life.

The second time I got cancer I was back in Cairns and living in a very nice house that my husband and I had built for ourselves. It was 2004. I had suddenly developed flu-like symptoms and a lot of anger.. inexplicable anger. It took me three weeks to come to grips with my health and a lot of meditation while in bed. I was very sick and I was having a lot of difficulty swallowing. I then discovered, without giving away personal details as they involve others, that there was a major issue that caused me to get angry. It was a violation that was being done to some of my property, which was important to me. I confronted the people involved and come to a satisfactory resolution of the matter. To my utter surprise the flu-like symptoms vanished almost completely and within the space of half to one hour. I knew that there was a lump in my throat because I could feel it if I tried to swallow solid food, which needed to be very moist to go down. However here again from a gut feeling to do nothing, I decided I would not go to see a doctor. There were reasons which I will discuss later. I didn't notice how the lump lessened but it did and within three months or there about the lump was gone and I could again swallow solid food.. whatever I liked. I had a fair idea that this was cancer, even though this time I did not have it diagnosed.

The third time I got cancer was in the following year, 2005-6 and this time it was in the ascending bowl and possibly also the right ovary was involved. These were the "old locations". This time I decided to deal with it more interactively myself. I was confident since I had had two remissions previously and I knew what to do. However I did not know what I could do to make things move faster along to recovery. I asked the universe.. God.. and in a few days I had the inclination to turn on the television and watch a medical documentary. It was about someone who had had an amputation. They said that they could feel their leg even though it had been removed. This was a spark. I recollected years earlier, when I practiced Burmese Buddhist Insight meditation, my teacher having said something to me about a mental body. My guru many, many years earlier also talked about a mental body.. a blueprint. I don't want to go into this here now but to say I found the way to prescribe for myself the first mental prescription for cancer and it worked. The lump in my side was palpable and I estimated about the size of a small golf ball, far larger than the almond size lump in my throat the year before. This time it remissed in just five and a half weeks.

Since then there have been many other times but each time I was able to apply better and more pollished prescriptions and shortened the time more and more. One bone cancer dissappeared in the space of a day!
Indeed now I can "stage-manage" my body's processes so I do not even develop cancer in the first place. And what's is more today I enjoy far better health than I did twenty years ago!

I learnt a great deal in these years but I had also learnt some very significant techniques in the preceeding years, in the years that I spent at the feet of my guru and later with a variety of other spiritual teachers from a several different religious persuasions.What was more I had used them in Sydney to investigate the problems I had expereince with my heart. So I was well qualified by the time I had to overcome cancer.

The first piece of information that I saw, not only came from my own experiences, but also from those of others that I had known, some had cancer and died of it. That information was that stress was involved. What in the name of goodness is stress? The medical explanations of "fight and flight response", I felt, were not adequate. In the year 2000, an argument between my husband and myself had turned the lights on for me! I gained two of the key pieces of information that lie behind cancer and many other diseases besides cancer, and both were shocking but the one of them was breathtaking.

Cloaks and daggers and everyday life.

We had argued a lot over the last few years because after having experienced some health problems in Sydney I had recovered and I wanted to start a new career and earn my own income. He did not like this at all and felt threatened by my becoming "too independent" as he put it. Finally one night a serious argument erupted and I told him I was leaving him. What was to follow left me speakless and I will post it here because it was not only a clear example of stress but a dark admission as to what lay behind it!

To fill you in a bit my husband was a lot older than me and had a good private income, which meant we could live reasonably well, but I wanted to do something with my life. I was not ready to retire. The only thing that had kept me from pursuing a new career was poor health. I had recovered from cancer okay but then a year and a half later I develop what appeared to be heart problems but they would never be confirmed. Every time I went to a doctor my heart worked perfectly. Even with the health problems though I had written a book and I wanted to publish it but even here, while my husband supported me writing the book he again began to vigorously object when I wanted to publish.

The argument got heated and he began to threaten me openly. He claimed he was involved with a crime syndicate in Sydney and that he was ‘still in with them somewhat’. He further indicated that he now ‘knew people’, as he put it, in the local area. At first I did not believe him and laughed at the very idea. I had never associated him with criminals ever. He was well educated and an associate professor at the university before he retired. He was a scientist and in my mind that made him a decent guy. However his threat sounded real and the confessions that I had at first laughed off, about being in a crime syndicates etc., now began to also sound real. My mind flashed back to a few nights earlier when two men had come to the front door. I did not like the look of them at all and I couldn’t believe that my husband was standing there talking to them. Who were they and how did my husband know them? They did not stay long but I felt so repulsed by them I could not stay in the lobby to hear what they had to say. As soon as they left I had confronted him about them. He had enigmatically claimed that they were just two of “his people”. I asked him if he meant that they were relatives and he said no but he continued to call them ‘his people’. Now I asked him about them again. He did not reply this time but gave me a twisted grin. Despite the twenty four years that I had known him, the man standing in front of me was fast becoming a stranger. Within an hour or so he had changed in a way that I had never expected. And then he repeated his threat.

“If you leave the house I will cast an evil spell” he announced. I saw this as a way of mocking my recent interest in the occult and shamanism.

“Yeah” I growled, “cast whatever spell you like. As if!” I felt irritated. But he never lost his composure. I watched him go to the phone, dial a number, wait a moment or two and then hung up the phone. “Ah why don’t you ring them up, who cares? I’m leaving and I am leaving right now” I shouted, “and what I mean by leaving is that I am leaving you!” I felt furious.

I ran into my room, grabbed my travel bag and began to pack. But within around ten minutes I was experiencing breathing problems and the start of a severe asthma attack, I felt pain in my chest and my heart was racing. I was a mess. My husband came to the door and said “if you unpack it again”, pointing to my bag, “everything will be alright”. I was dumbfounded.

“What do you mean everything will be alright?”

“You’ll get well again” he proclaimed with an air of confidence. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How does unpacking a bag going to get rid of the asthma.. idiot? I was coughing and splattering as I tried to shout. He proceeded to tell me that he would ‘call them off’.

“Call who off?” I snapped back at him. “You’re full of shit” I told him managing a decent breath at last. Even then I still had not connect him to my health problems.. like not at all! Besides I didn’t believe and I didn’t want to believe that my health could be affected by anyone else. I continued to pile clothes onto my bed, even in spite of the problems I was experiencing. Coldly he told me to look out of the window to see what was waiting for me. I scoffed at him but I moved to the window and looked out. I gazed in shock. Two men were standing around at the end of our driveway in the semi-dark. Who were they? The sight of them scared me and I suddenly felt a great deal worse. But still I could not believe that they could have possibly affected my health. "Besides" I thought, "I began having problems before I had even seen them"! “I’m not joking” my husband repeated coldly “I will have you killed if you leave”. His voice was icy, devoid of any emotion. However, though I was seriously shaken, some strange strength from within took a hold of me. I walked up to him and in strong tones, even though with a weak voice I said “Read my lips, I am leaving you!” I started gasping for breath but I continued. “I am leaving, I am leaving even if you succeed in killing me” and then in what seemed like some unseen force at work, another word came out of my lips, unexpectedly and it seemed to be not of my volition. That word was “unless...” and it tapered off with an echoing hiss.

At first he looked at me with a smirk and then said “you are in no position to bargain”

“I can bargain” I told him in tones that I myself found unbelievable and I continued, “because I can still choose to leave, even if I get killed, I can still choose to leave.”

He didn’t like my answer and he liked bargaining even less but he did.

“Unless what?” he asked. I had no idea what I was going to say and again like someone else speaking for me I said emphatically, “…unless you tell me everything” . He stared hard at me and I began to think "what am I saying?" However I began to ask “Who are these people? Who are the people you call “your people” and what do they do? Who are the people outside? I want to know everything.. EVERYTHING.” I was very frightened and finding it difficult to breathe but even so I did not falter in my words, in what I was demanding. Perhaps it was my desire to know the truth that was far stronger than my fear. I thought that maybe I could stay long enough to find out whatever I could and then, with the benefit of knowledge, leave him. He puckered his lips. It was obvious he didn’t want to talk but as sick as I was I resumed packing.

“Alright” he said, “alright I will tell you some things.” He was spitting his words.

“I am not interested in some things” I demanded, “I want to know everything, otherwise I am out of here NOW, even if I die, I don’t care. I's rather choose the grave than stay here.” I was very angry and I was experiencing a lot of chest pain but somehow I held it together and spoke firmly and without shouting. He could see that I meant what I said and maybe he desperately wanted me to stay because to my surprise he agreed. He went to the window, opened it and waved his hand in a definite, short, forward motion, in a style that a headman would use to his underlings. I walk up behind him and saw the two men each walk in the opposite direction, to the opposite side of the street and get into their respective cars and drive away. No soon were they gone when my heart and breathing problems began to subside.. like within a minute or two I was breathing easy and within ten minutes, although still shaken by the ordeal, I felt completely well again, as if I had had no problems at all. Despite that I still wanted to put it all down to suggestion, -the threats of my husband -the sight of these men outside the house.. not knowing where I'd go.. the thought of being killed. But the incident fuelled a burning desire to get to the truth because deep down none of those reason were satisfying.

The problems with my health began before I saw the men outside, well before. So the burning question in my mind was "how could they have anything to do with my breathing problems and the chest pain"? However at the same time it was undeniable, bearly had I heard their engine sounds fade away when my symptoms were gone.

That night he began the first of many confessions about what he called “his associations”. He began by describing himself as having a hidden part. He referred to this hidden part as an “evil creature” and he said that it was hidden by an “outer façade”. The outer façade was the gentleman, the only part that he had allowed me to see all those years that had passed. He also called this outer aspect “the deceiver”. He said the outer façade helped the evil creature to accomplish what he termed ‘evil work’ and without anyone suspecting anything. He said “the more normal and benign looking the façade the more evil work could be done”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No matter how difficult to live with he had been from time to time, I had not suspected anything of all that he spoke about now. And we had been together for twenty four years! I braved intense fear as I listened to him speak and felt the need to light up the area around me. I got up and turned on the lights in the adjacent rooms of the open living area and for good measure I turned on the external lights as well. The gentleman I’d known was gone. The man that I now faced was a cruel and heartless beast. His eyes glazed with such coldness they made me shudder. Indeed I felt so repulsed from what I saw that night I never again sat at the same table with him to eat another meal.. ever again.

After I was seated again he began to admit that he had, on very many occasions employed “watchers”, whose function he claimed was to “keep an eye on things”. What things? What are you talking about? I pressed him to be clear about what he meant, for I very quickly found that he would use terms that white washed the truth.

“Well I just wanted to know where you were going and who you were going to see, that kind of thing” he said matter-of-factly but his upper lip twisted from time to time as he looked back at me with malice. He was referring to the first interview I had for work back in Sydney, several years earlier and prior to the time that all my heart problems began. I asked him if the watchers were private detectives. He said no and went on to call them “supervisors”. He grinned as he spoke about them as supervisors but I ignored his grimaces and pressed him for more information. I was in a hurry and thought that in a few sessions I would learn all that I needed to know so I could leave.. safely.

He told me that such people as were employed as supervisors were known as ‘gun-carrying individuals’ by ‘his people’.

“That sounds like another way of saying a hired gun” I told him. “Is that what those two guys out on the driveway were, assassins?

“No” he insisted. “They are not meant to kill, just to scare the daylights out of someone.”

“And how are they supposed to scare the daylights out of someone” I demanded “…because” I added “that someone hadn’t even seen them?” That someone of course we both knew was me. He found my question amusing but I was not in any mood for laughing. He was so dark and I felt I needed more than the lights on everywhere. I went into the kitchen, an extension of the place where we sat, and took the box of candles out of one of the lower cupboards. Ordinarily I used them for meditation. Now I lit several of them together and place them on the table between us. Seeing “living light” close to me helped me cope with the situation. For it was not only what he said that was dark, but also the now evident quality of his heart and mind. I was only now just beginning to comprehend that he was sheer black.

He began a discourse that described the basic methods by which he said

“evil people cause problems for innocent people”. These methods he called mental cruelty. I had heard the term ‘evil’ referred to people before but I had dismissed it as fantasy, particularly as I had not been given satisfactory definitions. I certainly recognized people who were harmful to others now and then throughout my life but I called them ‘toxic’. Now I realized that the people I call toxic had given me the broad strokes of what is evil, but time after time I had down played the evidence, even ignored it. Now I asked him directly,

“What is an evil person”? He answered this by giving me a number of explanations.

“An evil person” he began “aims to deceive others and has no feelings towards other people. Evil persons will lie to disadvantage other persons. For example evil persons use ‘a normal approach’ to innocent people and the innocent can become subjected to dangerous situations unknowingly.

“What do you mean ‘a normal approach’ I asked.

Evil people adopt a friendly approach towards their targets. Some of them they may be able to use subsequently” he said and he continued to talk about the subject as if he was describing some chemical reaction to his students in a lecture theatre. He was focused, spoke with clarity, but completely unemotional.. cold. He started at me a while.

"Go on" I proded him.

“After trapping them,” he said “evil people will gradually try and get them interested in evil ways.”

“So you’re saying that they take good people and make them evil” I asked. He again puckered his lips a little and shook his head. “No", he said, "not good people and not innocent people.. but they are the sort of people who are.. well not evil but they are the type that will try an occasional little deception.”

“So who do you call innocent people”? I interrupted him.

“Innocent people are those people who take everybody at face value” he said immediately and went on. “Good people are those people who consider the feelings of others and who try and do good things. Innocent people consider the feelings of others too but they are naïve.” He then told me that “evil people target other people in order to injure them mentally, to steal something from them and to denigrate them in the eyes of others.

“Why would you want to injure someone mentally and how can that be possible?” I asked feeling very skeptical about what I was hearing. I knew from my own experiences and my religious background that the mind or what we might call spiritual is incorruptible. It is only the physical that is corruptible.. that can be injured.

“Evil people target others in order to injure them mentally because they get satisfaction at the despair of others, because the evil ones thrive on that” he said with glee. I looked at him dumbfounded. He could have been talking Chinese for I could not take it in at all. It sounded so alien. He understand that I was completely mystified about his statements because he continued to give me further clarifying explanation. “It gives them a high” he said, “and makes them feel satisfied. Doing good things is an anathema to evil people, except when used as bait.”

“Good things..” I echoed, still in disbelief.

“Good things are being helpful, being pleasant e.g. chatting to a stranger. Bait is showing a good face as a good front.” He added.

“So how can you hurt a person mentally?” I was very disbelieving. He did not answer this question fully until much later, after many more sessions. For now he gave a superficial explanation.

“The target is disadvantaged mentally because the target has lost face" he said.. "and becomes upset. It could be quite a blow to the person. The aim is to weaken the target.” His reference to people as targets and objects, showed how devoid he was of any humanity. I had never heard him talk like that before that night. My husband, a highly educated man, a university lecturer, who’d shown dedication and had reached a relatively high station of being an associate professor during his working life, who had seemed decent was surely not this monster that I was now seeing before me. He has influenced so many young people in his working life. I looked at him with horror.

I don’t know if it was my look that prompted him or not or whether he meant it or not but he added,

“I have to stop tearing people to pieces I get some form of satisfaction from it and must stop tearing people to pieces. I get some form of perverse pleasure from this. I realize that a monumental change in behavior has to be undertaken immediately.” He added. To some extent he sounded desperate as he said these words but there was also always the glee in his eyes and an undertone of mockery in his voice. He knew only too well that I wanted to leave him and becoming good wasn’t going to change anything, even if it was possible. A part of me wanted to run away, even if it was to the grave but another part of me was obsessed with obtaining all the information that could be had from this man. I lit another candle as I thought. I needed to make him understand that I would not be taken in by any false displays.

“I don’t believe you really want to change.” I said but as an after thought I added, “perhaps if you reveal the truth about yourself you might be able to change.” I wondered if someone like him could possibly change. Was he redeemable? This was no simple sinner. In the true sense of the word sinner really means someone who has got it wrong.. missed the mark. This was an outright transgressor. And the two are quite different because in the first case, no matter how serious the crime, it results from reaction to something, although wrong reaction to be sure! But in the case of transgression, we are talking about calculated, systematic and ongoing wrongdoing and not out of some reaction to anything. From what he was saying such crimes are done deliberately and for the sheer joy of seeing the damage done and feeling the suffering of the victim.

He went on to described himself as if he was talking about someone else.

“Beneath the surface there is a nasty creature lurking” he said. “This nasty creature has to come out and be exposed to very close examination. The creature is only too happy to attack anyone..” he remarked. He looked at me with spite. He was talking but I could see he didn’t like it. “..and it must therefore be subject to this examination” he said rather formally. In some way he seemed to want to appease me but the only thing that was going to keep me there awhile was information and he knew it. “The creature must be controlled by me rather than me being controlled by it." He said speaking rather pathetically. "It must not be allowed to wreck havoc and thus destroy harmony. Indeed the sooner the creature is destroyed the better it will be for all concerned” he said and emphasized the word ‘destroyed’.

“Where did this creature come from, when did you become aware of it?” I asked.

“The creature raised its ugly head during my adolescence when it guided me to do evil things, such as passing on the evil thoughts and attitudes. I attempted to corrupt other to these evil ways. These attempts would be largely effective if used on close friends and /or relatives, that is these people would be likely to be corrupted and therefore likely to do my bidding.”

And why were you successful with close friends and relatives? I asked.

“Because there is relationship and that is needed”

“You can corrupt someone just because of relationship?”

“No” he said “I never even tried to corrupt you. You wouldn’t have been interested and you would have been alerted to who I am.” He looked very proud of the deception he had gotten away with all those years.

“So the person has to be corruptible for some reason?” I asked to keep the conversation going.

“I told you, some people will try an occasional little deception. These people can be guided to do bigger things.”

“Corrupted in other words”

“Yes” He affirmed and again looked quite pleased with himself.

Who was ‘he’ I had to wonder in all of this?

“Of what importance is it to corrupt others” I asked. My questions sounded naïve but I had no experience of anything like this before. And the irony of the whole thing was that I had begun to write an epic tale depicting the war between good and evil. I’d been lamenting my lack of knowledge, knowledge that I needed to craft my evil protagonist! I felt this was too weird to be true but here he was, right under my roof, talking, telling me about evil and he was someone I thought I had known well over the years but not as evil!

“The evil creature wants to control people in the close proximity.” He proclaimed in a general fashion.

“You mean you want to control me!” I summed up. He nodded and grinned but I glared back at him. He cleared his throat and went on. “Firstly a softly-softly approach is used” he said, “this means that the proposals that are made to a person one wants to influence seem to be good and acceptable. After initial approach has been accepted by that person, the next stage can be started because we have already trapped our prey.”

“We?” I asked because I had supposed, he was talking about himself. He grinned and reminded me of “his people” and the two men that had been to our house earlier that night. He told me that evil people never worked alone. “Nothing can be achieved without like-minded others” he announced.

“You mean to tell me that there are organizations of evil people?” I asked him in horror.

“No there are no organizations, there are no signed up memberships or anything like that. But” he said “there are networks of people, people who know other people who are like-minded and who collaborate on jobs.”

“Collaborate on jobs?” I echoed wondering what he meant.

“Well you help your mates get their jobs done and they help you in getting what you want done. That way you can stand back, let them do the job while you look on as a spectator. That way no one can point the finger at you.”

“But it wouldn’t be that hard to prove that the people who are doing the crime are your mates.” I reminded him.

“No” he said confidently, “it is not that simple because” he added “there are go-betweens.”

“What are go-betweens?”

“There are higher and lower levels” he explained. "Some people know a few people above and below them but mostly people know others on their own level. Some of those who know others, say below them, can give the order to do a job that you want done. That way you’re not the one to gives the order. So even if you can discover everyone that a person knows…” he broke off laughing.

“It’s not really practical to discover everyone that a person knows” I agreed wanting him to stop laughing.

“You have to prove that the people, who know the people you know, are also known to you.” He said when he regain his composure. The gist of what he was saying is that crimes are always done by proxy and mostly by people not personally known to the chief offender.

The discussion again returned to talk about his winning over others to do evil work. “The transition must still be gradual” he explained “in order not to lose the prey”. “Over time the proposals we make, the things that we ask the prey to be involved in doing with us or for us gradually become more and more dubious”. He went on describing all manner of proposals he had made to others to ‘bait them’ as he put it. And he made me very afraid to be in the same house with him but it was also of great importance to me to find out how a person’s health could be affected. Could anything that he did or that he had done for him affect my health? I still wanted to believe it was coincidence but the incident only hours earlier was too striking. I realized that there were many occasions, over recent years, when the condition of my health worsened suddenly and inexplicably.. seemingly out of the blue.

That night I began to reflect that many women, but also some men that I had known, had similarly inexplicable health problems. I began to wonder if they too were subjected to this “mental cruelty” or whatever it was, and if so what was it? How could I expose the truth of it to the benefit of all? I was equally intrigued to know if it was possible for someone who had become evil to become good again. I wondered if in fact they were simply born evil. And was there any line, which when crossed, a person could never return to being good again. My feeling , even at that very early stage, was that evil is not just a state of mind. I wondered could it be possible that there were changes in the way the body functioned, and if that was the case, what were those changes?