Non-Shomeret Jewish Woman Pulls off an Amazing Feat!

Muffti has uncovered an amazing story. Apparently, a young Jewish woman who admits to “…never having been shomeret, and I was certainly no virgin when I married” still manages to maintain a meaningful sexual relationship with her husband. How did she pull off this amazing feat?

No one is quite sure. But Muffti begs his dear readers to hold their skepticism in abeyance because her story appears to check out. “Apparently he [the husband] isn’t so insecure that he thinks that prior sexual relationships ruined me for life,” says she. “Not all of my sexual experiences were as meaningful as possible. Most of them, however, didn’t involve me waking up and wanting to get the hell out of what’s-his-name-again’s apartment. All were pretty fun, some fairly intimate and now I’m happy to maintain a spiritually fulfilling relationship with just one man.”

Simply amazing. There’s more however. Apparently, despite not being shomeret, our featurette managed to have genuine, meaningful friendships with members of the opposite sex.

“Sometimes sex would get in the way of friendships when the guy was, like, immature or severely undersexed or couldn’t handle my lack of interest. But most men I came in contact with, despite occasional sexual tension, understood the relevant boundaries and we managed to have healthy, fun friendships.”

The most surprising element of this story is that the couple aren’t even frum. “We are fairly secular. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t take the time to make sex intimate and spiritually rewarding. Of course, my frum friends tell me I’m missing since God isn’t in the bedroom when we, you know, do it. To be honest, I’m just as glad to keep it between me and my man.”

Well, Muffti’s mind is blown. He thought that being secular meant that everyone was suffering sexual relations devoid of all fulfilment and intimacy, 10 year olds in thongs and guaranteed divorces! (CK told him so a while back). How did this couple manage to avoid this trap?

“Well, it helped to marry someone I loved very much and who loved me back. And proper parenting and education has kept our 11 year old from becoming a thong wearer.”

Good for her for avoiding what, so far as Jewlicious seems concerned, is the inevitable fate of all secular sex. But apparently, unbeknownst to him, this happens all the time, every single day. Women who have sexual intercourse with more than one man still manage to make sexual contact with other men holy later in life. Men manage to enjoy sex both premaritally and during marriage. Some kids escape the allure of the skanky outfit.

Not everyone is so lucky, of course. Shtremiel informed Muffti a while back that some people he knows have meaningless sex often and aren’t all that happy. Fortunately all of us non-shomerites can grasp and reach for a leg of hope: somehow, things might just work out for us in th end if we are just secular, not insane.