As I sat down to write this {At 12:08 AM} I heard a Peeping Tom outside the window. Yes, I just heard this. And there is some person outside our house.

It’s weird, because a neighbor came by earlier and told us that kids have been breaking into the houses up here. So now everyone is running around the house frantic, and I am in here doing what I need to do. HA!
Mom even called the fuzz. I walked outside…and to make things more freaky, the light out there is broken. So it flashes on and off and on and off.

You know, if I had a boyfriend, I could have just called him to come check the place out. Sadly I don’t have a man in my life. And I’m still terribly depressed about it.

I was happy once. See? Look how romantic we used to be.

You know what I did today? I sat on the front porch and watched the sunset. By myself. And guess what else I did? I deleted Eric’s number from my phone. And I cried. I want to cry just thinking about it.

Last week I was feeling better, like I could DO this. But this week, this hasn’t been easy. I feel like nothing is going right for me. Isn’t that emo? No one has died in my family {well, except the dog} And I’ve never been abused or anything like that. But I still feel like, I don’t know, like giving up. Not just because of the breakup. But because of everything I guess.

Even on writing.
I can’t write shitworthcrap. Everything that I spill out on the page sounds awful. I can’t even re-read it anymore. And I have a sickly feeling that my only real finished novel IS just as awful as I was worried it is.

I’m going to go to the library tomorrow and sit in a corner and force myself to write. For at least two hours. If I can’t get a job {Which I can’t. Probably applied at a hundred places in July. Only a few interviews and zero call backs. What is WRONG with me? That’s what I keep asking myself.} As I was saying. If I can’t get a job, the least I can do is try harder on the only thing I thought I was good at.
I did think I was good at it. But now I don’t think anything.

I need a change I can control. I keep saying this. But it’s true.
And I also keep thinking about Mary and Max {is that what the movie is called?} How they say in that movie over and over again “Love yourself first.”

Am I loving myself first? Are YOU loving yourself first?
I know that a lot of us aren’t. It makes me sad.

On a brighter note.
I got a really nice set of couches for my future apartment. {Right now I sleep on Moms floor. She’s so good for taking me in. I love her so much. Too bad the couches stay in the garage}
So far I have all kinds of nice things for my future house. And thinking about that {those worldly items} makes me somewhat happy. So pathetic. {I can hear Tyler Durden holding back puke right now}

I went and saw The Hunger Games today. I was disappointed. Just like I knew I would be. But I’m glad I went. Even though the guy at the theater was mean to my little sister. I had to bite my tongue so as not to drop some nasty language in front of her.

I think I am turning into a bitter old hag. I don’t even brush my hair anymore. I used to at least try and look good. Now it’s like “Meh its just another day. Who am I gonna see that hasn’t seen this mess before?”

Writing even when it is hard, loving even when it is hard, living even when it is hard is what strong people do. And you’re strong. No boy defines you. You will find a job and a guy. Remember, you need someone who makes you want to better.

your posts show us that you’re a great writer, so you DO have that! and you’re strong! and you ARE beautiful! and talented! and you have an awesome mom who loves you. and lots more people who do, too. but i’m sorry for the hard stuff that’s happening and i get the feeling lost and wanting to give up because i’ve been there too.

so a thought: what if the thing you can control is to go on an adventure? and write about it?

adventures are happy/exciting/scary/thrilling/forgetthecrap times waiting to happen.:)