“Satire's nature is to be one-sided, contemptuous of ambiguity, and so unfairly selective as to find in the purity of ridicule an inarguable moral truth.”
― E.L. Doctorow

Monday, March 21, 2016

Donald Trump, Your New Emperor of Wine, States His Case

I don’t get why people think wine reviewing is hard. It’s not hard. I have small hands, so what? I can put my whole hand in my mouth and still have room for little Marco’s junk, so I’m cool. He’s so sweaty it just slides right in. You don’t need big hands to be the most important wine critic who ever lived. I don’t get what all the fuss is about. I can judge four or five hundred wines in a day. It’s easy for me. And I don’t need any help. Why would I need any help? I have a brain made for wine. Really, folks, I do. My brain is like one of those fancy French oak barrrels. Just made for wine. All you have to do is check out my bunghole and you’ll see. Go ahead, shine a light up there, see if it needs to be topped. What do you see? Yeah, that’s right, that’s that Matt Kramer guy.

I’ll tell you something. If I’m not the most powerful wine critic who ever lived, if the wineries don’t start sending me all their wines, the people aren’t going to like it. There’s gonna be riots. It will be bigger than when they threw those Kenyans off the Napa Valley Wine Train for doing some kind of war dance or something. Maybe they thought is wasn’t the wine train. Maybe they thought it was the Soul Train. I would never have those problems. I’d just buy the damned wine train and then fly it into Mexico where it belongs. They can’t stop me from being the New Emperor of Wine. Mark my words, there will be riots. I won’t be able to stop them. There’s going to be a lot of dead sommeliers. Give the people what they want.

There’s a lot of people who think the next Emperor of Wine should be an Empress. Think about that, an Empress of Wine. We already had one of those. We had Robert Lawrence Balzer. We don’t need another one. The job needs somebody with some backbone, some balls. I love women. You all know I love women. I can’t keep my small hands off them. Without women, there wouldn’t be any wine. Really, just think about that. They do all the shopping and they buy most of the wine, and that’s the way it should be. But they shouldn’t be reviewing them. I mean, it’s just not natural. Look, what if they’re bleeding right then, do you want them reviewing your wine? Good luck with that. All I can say is I hope you don’t get a 69. You know what I mean.

A lot of people think I won’t be fair when I review wines. I don’t know where ideas like that get started. I’m going to be fair. People know me as a fair person. I’m tough, ask anybody who’s done business with me, but I’m also fair. A lot of people don’t know this, but George Bush wanted to nominate me for the Supreme Court. It’s true. But he said I couldn’t be Chief Justice, and I knew that would cause riots, so for the good of the country I declined. Sometimes I wish I had said yes. I’d be making laws now, and changing the ones that need to be changed. Like shipping laws. I can’t believe there are still states where I can’t ship Trump wines! Why the hell not? If I were Justice Trump, you can bet your ass every state would be able to ship wine to every other state. But not wine that wasn’t made in America. Why is it so easy to get French wine but so hard to get a good smoke from Cuba? Really. What is that? Clos’ but no cigar? That isn’t right. Ban all those foreign wines. That blowhard Ted Cruz, nobody likes him, you know, I heard that even his tapeworm hates him, would let in Canadian wine, because that’s where he’s from. Canadian wine! How bad is Canadian wine? It’s got to be terrible! Canada is a stupid country. They just elected a guy Prime Minister who draws a comic strip! Trudeau. That’s how stupid they are. I’m thinking I should build a wall between us and Canada. And who’s going to pay for that wall? That’s right! Mexico! No, I’m just kidding. When Canada figures out what’s going to happen when I’m the new Emperor of Wine, they’re going to build the wall just to keep Americans from moving there. I’ll have tricked them into building their own wall and paying for it. Now I hope everyone starts saying they’re moving to Mexico! Mexicans are even stupider than Canadians. You don’t see migrant Canadians picking Cabernet.

I’m going to have a perfect system for rating wines. I have some of the absolute best people working on it right now. And not a bunch of elitist wine snobs. I mean real people, people who like wine and know what good wine tastes like. Not a bunch of pathetic sommeliers. I mean, why do we need sommeliers? I’m sick to death of sommeliers, and everybody I know is sick to death of sommeliers. It’s Obama’s fault. Under his watch, there’s been an absolute explosion of sommeliers. There’s the International Society of Insolent Sommeliers, and under Obama, ISIS has thrived. We’re losing some of our best young people to ISIS. ISIS is actively recruiting young people and brainwashing them into thinking they know everything about wine because they’re a sommelier, because they have letters after their names. Because they have TV shows made about them. Who watches that crap? I mean, how low do you have to be to watch a show about people who think they’re on a mission to teach people about wine? Who the hell cares? These are sick people. These are wasted lives. Sommeliers might inspire fear in most people, but not me. When I’m the new Emperor of Wine, I’ll wipe them off the face of the Earth. I’ll bomb them like how they bombed us with “Uncorked.” And then every wine list in the country will be easy to read, and feature Trump Sparkling Wine by-the-glass. It’s really good Champagne. And I’m calling it Champagne whether the frogs like it or not. They can kiss my punt.

I’m not going to take crap from anybody. I’m going to rate wines the way I want to rate wines. It’s going to be YUGE! I’m not going to put up with any bull you-know-what. Natural wines? I’m just going to punch any Natural Winemaker in the face. I’m not kidding. Kapow! Right in the kisser. They’re all sissies anyway. If there’s any Natural Winemakers here, take ‘em out. I’ll pay your legal bills. Hell, bring ‘em up on stage and I’ll make ‘em wear a dress and sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop.” We don’t need sommeliers, and we don’t need Natural Wines, though if you get rid of sommeliers, who the hell’s going to buy Natural Wines anyway? Imbeciles.

I think we all want to go back to the way wine always was. Simple. White or red? That's all we need. No rosé and no orange wines. I hate wine that's the same color as my hair. I’ll rate all the whites the same, and all the reds the same, but higher. These are tough and complicated times. We need simple. All the wines are rated the same, prices come down. We take back our adult beverage. Every bottle of white, twenty bucks. Every bottle of red, twenty-five bucks. This is why you want me to be your new Emperor of Wine. This is why you vote for Trump. You hate women, Mexicans, Canadians, sommeliers, Africans on trains, orange wines, sommeliers and Matt Kramer. I’m a man of the people.

22 comments:

this is in fact, a brilliant synopsis of the state of wine and politics in America. After watching my team lose in the NCAA, this restores a smile to my face on a Monday morning. It is even better if you imagine the whole dialogue in the Don's voice....can't we put him on the dais for the next Spectator Wine Experience in NYC? Marvin Shanken would have to move Matt out of the way to make room for himself.

Hey Gang,Revisiting the Trump Emperor of Wine voice was simple self-indulgence. I like the idea of a fool and an ignoramus being the world's most important wine critic. And because he speaks poorly and off-the-cuff, the monologue can go anywhere at any time. It's a bit like writing for Professor Irwin Corey, the World's Greatest Authority. Sort of a confident, nonsensical voice. Though tinged with misogyny, racism and contempt for the truth.

Trump is merely this year's Palin. Though everyone compares him with Hitler, I find that comparison unfair. To Hitler. He reminds me more of George Wallace (not the black comedian of the 80's, the Governor George Wallace). But he's this year's gift to satirists, and we are grateful. I just couldn't resist a second turn as the Wine Trumptator.

My favorite: "I hate wine that's the same color as my hair." Ha! I could hear every word, and for once, it wasn't irritating since it came from the HoseMaster as Trump (not the real orange McCoy). Nailed it! More, please... Can you evangelize on wine a la Cruz? Another distinctive voice of the moment...

Marcia Love,I won't be doing any Cruz, I don't think. Trump is politician enough for me. Though Trump is a very easy target. So I'm not proud of this sort of piece, but the low-hanging fruit is often the sweetest.

Smooch!

Blaise,Actually, that line was the very last line I wrote for the piece. It showed up in the editing process and I liked it, so I put it in. Nothing inspired this rant but the desperation of needing a post for Monday. When I am uninspired otherwise, I fall back on reliable voices--Lo Hai Qu, or Larry Anosmia MS, and now Trump. I try not to use them too often, but they are an easy way out for me.

Hose, I like how you just eased into the style and cadence of Señor Drumpf, it’s like writing like Dr. Seuss, once you get into the rhythm, it just flows!He is a gift for satirists, and for humor in general, and honestly it’s not like he is going to go away no matter the outcome of the election. He will never shut up!Grazie for the Monday bit of funny.d

Daniel,I once wrote a Seuss parody, Quiddick the Critic, and Seuss is very hard to do well. The Trumptator is pretty easy. I must be the 700th satirist to do Trump, but in the context of wine, I thought Trump represents a wine critic of the type the internet has made ubiquitous. Blowhards without the requisite experience, and with only a passing acquaintance with the truth. That's why I chose him to be the new Emperor of Wine.

It's a funny thing, this wine writing business. Here you pen something that has us all rolling in the aisles with laughter and you pass it off as "self-indulgence", which it may be, but it is damn funny self-indulgence. And if the purpose, the intent of humor is to make us laugh and think at the same time, then this piece is a classic regardless of its genesis.

I too loved the line about "same color as my hair". It hits about four bases (can't get more than that even if you are Bobby Bonds on steroids) at once. Great lines are always great lines--and this is one that we are going to be repeating.

Charlie,When I write this crapola, I often try to challenge myself to do something original, difficult, or new. But there are times when I just need to get a piece up on a Monday (not that it matters, I don't get paid, I don't have anyone to answer to, it's a self-imposed deadline) so I resort to something simple--like making fun of Trump. I'm glad that it makes people laugh--that's my ultimate goal. But on a personal level, I find it too easy and not very "smart."

I'm always my harshest critic. More bloggers should be their harshest critics, too.

This was amazing, you captured the narcissism, bigotry and con artistry that makes up a Trump speech, put in a blender to match his 6th grade mastery of English and delivered an overly entertaining piece! Thanks for the laugh!!!

Angelica,That's very kind. I find that a lot of people who write Trump parody get him all wrong. Not that my crap is pitch perfect. But the secret behind any con man's success is that, to a Yuge degree, he actually believes his own lies. That kind of self-delusion is what drives Trump.

Anyhow, thank you for being a common tater, and please come back soon.

The orange wine/hair joke is brilliant as is 'clos, but no cigar' but there's much truth in satire and the more truth, the funnier, so I laughed most at 'if you get rid of sommeliers, who the hell’s going to buy Natural Wines anyway? Imbeciles.'

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After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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