5-11-13

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the
Harley Davidson motorcycle?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't You
the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

----------------------------------------------

A German, a
Japanese, and a Mexican .....

Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Mexican were sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager", he said. "I have a
microschip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobil phone. I have a microchip
in my hand."

The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone, he decided to do
something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The
others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Mexican finally
said......."Ay Dios mio, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax....."

----------------------------------------------------------

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog
one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick
of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as
panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other
side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket
which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement
and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a
cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where
his head is, so I can kick his ass."

---------------------------------------------------------------

ugly

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent
exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

--------------------------------------------------------

"God populated the earth with vegetables of all kinds, so that
Man would live a long and healthy life.
And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "Want
fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them!" And Man gained pounds.
And God created healthful yogurt, and Satan froze the yogurt, and brought forth
chocolate,
nuts and brightly colored candy to put on top.
And Man gained more pounds.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV, remote control and potato chips. And Man
clutched his remote and ate his chips.
Satan saw this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass
surgery.
And Satan created HMOs..." :lol:

-----------------------------------------------------

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

-------------------------------------------------------------

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4
minutes to get hard.

Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other
guys.

But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face
was your mother.

So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

-----------------------------------------------------

Are you a Mexican ?

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas....
Mexican status!!

If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco
vending business,
Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area
while chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....." You're Mexican, big
time!!!

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on
your car, truck, or tattooed on your back. Yes, you ARE a Mexican
(proud one too).

If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez,
then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told "pobrecito de
ti si lloras" or "Vas a ver orita que salgamos." Yes, you're
definitely a Mexican.

If you grew up scared of someone called La Llorona, or fear the
dark because of El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every
drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!!!

If you ask for something by "dame esa chingadera" instead of
calling it by its name. Yup! Mexican!

If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys" or cake as "kay
ke". You're a Mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out
why your butt is getting bigger......You might be a Mexican.

If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to
a birthday party at "el parque". You are a Mexican.

If your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels
and all to go to the "pulga." (AKA the Flea Market) Then, yes, you are a
Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint
green, and purple. Mexican.

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top
of an old car to dry laundry. Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you're congested and your mamasita rubbed "Bicks" into your
nostrils and gives you "jugo de sebolla" with sugar, (grandma's recipe) to
help relieve your symptoms. You're Mexican.

IF YOU DON'T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU KNOW
THAT YOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN. VIVA LA RAZA!!!

You know your laughing your head off. It's all in fun, so
don't get all
"adoloridos." Just pass it on so another Mexican can laugh too

-------------------------------------------------

Man Schooling:

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained
for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates
degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE:

Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too,
can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male
Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Top 21 reasons to know if you’re a real chicano

1.you love beer
2.you grew up watching and imitating “el chavo del ocho”
3.you use to think selena was the most beautiful girl in the world
4.if when ever you asked or told your parents you wanted or when was the
age they would let u have a boy/girlfriend,
they answer you by saying todavia ni sabes como limpiarte la
cola pero ya quires novio/a
5.you have tios by the names or nick names: Chuy, Chava, Jose, Juan,
Javier
6.you eat any kind of chips with: chamois, chile del amor, and lemon
7.you go to mexico to buy beer
8.Your mom takes u to mexico to learn how to drive
9.if anytime ur in mexico and make line to cross to the border you feel
like crying when u see lil kids go up to ur window and ask for money
10.if when ever u watch t.v. all u watch is novelas
11.if you laugh ur ass of listening to George Lopez
12.if your dad thinks all white people are after Mexicans
13.if when ever u" accidentally" talk back to ur mom she tells u
“te voy adar unos Buenos chingadasos que te van a quebrar los
dientes, haber si me buelbes hablar asi”
14.if when u first started talking English all the gringos would make
fun of u cuz u said: jello, picza, chet, beech, cheir
15.if u have atleast one of ur tias that everyone refers as “la gritona”
16.if u have more than 5 dogs and they all are dying because u always
forget to feed them water
17.if your mom dressed u up with ropa that came from los patios till u
were 10
18.if someone in your neighborhood sales Mexican candys
19.if u know these songs by memory: el despreciado, jefe de jefes, and
all nortno music oldies
20.you go to the doctor, dentist, etc… cuz its much cheaper than the
U.S.
21.You speak spanglish

---------------------------------------------------------

Corporate Lessons
Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and
do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you
must be
sitting very, very high up.

*************************

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able
to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't
got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied
the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump
of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but
it
won't keep you there.

*************************

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began
to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him
out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for
joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

-----------------------------------------------------------

CORPORATE LESSON #4
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should
go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbor.
Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800
he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders ... in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

CORPORATE LESSON #5
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift ...
which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit
to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a
good look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily reached
over and slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at
him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself
to remove his hand. Changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister,
but the flesh is
weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible
and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

CORPORATE LESSON #6
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and
the manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out
in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,
so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a
care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales
rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina
coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the
office right after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

CORPORATE LESSON #7
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answer ed: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and
rested.

All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

CORPORATE LESSON #8
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I
haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

CORPORATE LESSON #9

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing
that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to
stay alive.

Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run
faster than the
slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or
a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be
hauling ass

----------------------------------

11 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can
change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend
walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they
should be able to put them all up there.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as
well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just
have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who
has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most
of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something
is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a
real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in
a mental hospital.

-------------------------------------------------

A woman's
dilemma...

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual
men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but
are nice men, have no money

6. The men who are not so handsome, but
are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are
after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice
and somewhat heterosexual, don't think
we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful,
that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and
thank God are heterosexual, are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first
move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN??
Men are like a fine wine. They all start
out like grapes, and it's a woman's job
to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with...

*The brides "Tio Cha Cho" (the one who
always gets into trouble) is drunk (as
always) and picking
fights with people from the grooms
family

*The dollar dance lasts over an hour
with the same tune... .. and that's Only
with relatives.

*There are nine bridesmaids. And nine
sets of "padrinos"

Everyone wants to be a
"madrina" for your wedding.

The cake was made by "la senora que hace
los cakes" instead of the bakery.

The wedding ends at midnight "en el
salon" but ends at 6:00 a.m. at the
bride's house.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had
gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they
needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business
behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with
so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves and
proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for
home.

The next day the first woman's husband
phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girls night out have got to
stop. My wife came home last night
without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her
ass that said, "From All of Us At the
Fire Station, We'll Never Forget
You."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A woman and man get
into a car accident. Both of their cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly
neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage,
the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -
there's nothing left! Thank God we are
all right. This must be a sign from Him
that we should be friends and not try to
pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with
you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the
ground and says, "And here's another
miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch
from my back seat didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this Scotch and
celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it, and chugs about a third of the
bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes
the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.

As she was unloading
her items on the
conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk
standing behind her
watched as she
placed the items in
front of the
cashier.

While the cashier
was ringing up her
purchases, the
drunk calmly stated,

"You must be
single."

The woman was a bit
startled by this
proclamation, but
she was intrigued by
the derelict's
intuition, since
she was indeed
single. She looked
at her six items on
the belt and saw
nothing particularly
unusual about
her selections that
could have tipped
off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting
the better of her,
she said "Well,
you know what,
you're absolutely
correct. But how on
earth did you know
that?"

If you throw a "Grito" every
time you hear Vicente
Fernandez, Then not only are
you a Mexican, but you
are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been
pinched in church and been
told "pobrecito de ti si
lloras" or "Vas a ver orita
que salgamos."
Yes, you're definitely a
Mexican.

If you grew up scared of
someone called La Llorona,
or fear the dark because of
El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto
ticket in your hand before
every drawing. You're in the
Mexican Zone!!!

If you constantly refer to
cereal as "con fleys" or
cake as "kay ke" You're a
Mexican.
If you use manteca instead
of vegetable oil and can't
figure out why your butt is
getting bigger... You
might be a Mexican.

If you have some tias that
dress up in their prom
dresses to go to a birthday
party at "el parque" You
are a Mexican.

If your tias and abuela
dress up in their Sunday
best with heels and all to
go to the "pulga." (AKA the
Flea
Market) Then, yes, you are a
Mexican.

If most of the houses on
your block are painted
bright pink, mint green, and
purple. Mexican.

If you use the bushes in
front of your house, the
fence, or the top of an old
car to dry laundry. Yes,
your a Mexican.

If you're congested and your
mamasita rubbed "Bicks" into
your nostrils and gives you
"jugo de sebolla"

------------------------------------------------------------

You know your Latino,Chicano, Hispano...if

You Have a
knob from the oven on your
television. (bonus points if
you got aluminum foil for an
antenna)
If "Pegale al gordo", means
you won the lotto!
If your daughter is asked to
do an essay, and she gets
pregnant.
If you own more than three
cars, but only one works.
If you got a porcelain
elephant in your living room
for good luck. (bonus points
if its only good luck if the
elephants ass is facing the
front door.)
If you use Aquanet hair
spray.
If you use Aquanet, instead
of RAID to kill bugs.
If you wear a black bra with
a white tube top.
If you rent zoot suits
instead of a tux at prom.
If you swear that Menudo
cures a hangover.
If you hate Jehovah Witness
and don't know why.
If your dad made you take
off his work boots when you
where a kid.
If you make 1,000,000
tamales for Christmas
If you go to Mexico and
realize you don't know
Spanish.
If your teacher gets stuck
pronouncing your name on
roll call.
If a vacation to you is a
trip to the Lake an hour
away from home.
If you ever gone on a 60
hour drive to Mexico.
If you got your calendar
from a carneceria
If when you don't believe
something you say, "For
reals...?"
If you go to the bank to
withdraw $3.00.
If you only put $3.00 of gas
in your car.
If you use manteca for
everything you cook.
If your car color is primer.
If your favorite cartoon
character is Speedy Gonzalez
(bonus points if you
remember Slow Poke
Rodriguez).
If you go to the pulga every
weekend.
You learned Spanish from
watching Don Francisco on
Sabado Gigante every
weekend!
If you need to point out how
much something you just
bought cost.
If your mom/dad has 8
brothers and 7 sisters.
If you go to church to get a
date.
If you driver a "Cheby", an
"Ohsmobeel" or a "Bolswahgon".
If your favorite super hero
growing up was El Chapulin
Colorado .
If you write to someone in
jail.
If your favorite song is an
oldie.
If you make enchiladas with
government cheese.
with sugar, (grandma's
recipe) to help relieve your
symptoms,

A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket, and he opened his trench
coat and flashed her without missing a
beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these
turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid
who was stopped for speeding rolled down
his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said. The kid replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low
Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the
bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed
up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks around to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was
canceled. A single agent was re-booking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to
be on this flight and it has to be FIRST
CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was
unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without
hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed
her public address microphone. "May I
have your attention please," she began
her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to Gate 14." With the folks
behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the man glared at the
United agent, gritted his teeth and
swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she
smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to get in line for that,
too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A
college teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in
the back of the room raised his hand and
asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes
her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand.

It was the first day of school for the
kindergarten class, as the teacher
walked in the classroom, she noticed
something was written on the chalkboard:
"T T T 1A." She looked at the children
and said, "Who wrote this?" Little
Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did,
teacher." "Well, what does that mean,
Johnny?" asked the teacher. Johnny
answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1
Apple,'" and with that, he gave the
teacher an apple. "Very good," says the
teacher, "Thank You."

The next morning, the teacher walks in
the classroom, and notices, once again,
something written on the board. This
time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."
She asked the children, "Who wrote
this?" Then little Bobby answers, "I
did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well,
Bobby, what does that mean?" Bobby says,
"It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'"
and he gives the teacher an orange.
"Very good, Bobby, thank you."

The next morning, she walks in the
classroom, and she noticed on the board.
"F U C K 1 T." Disappointed, the teacher
exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then
little Juanito raises his hand and says,
"I did, teacher." Angrily, the teacher
asks, "Well, what does this mean,
Juanito?" "It means, 'From Us Chicano
Kids 1 Tamale.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A CHICANO GENIE

Postby Marty » Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:04 pm
A Mexican lady was walking along the
bank of the L.A. River when she stumbled
upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She
picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!! a
Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would
grant her 'ONE' wish.

She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi
prima that I could get three wishes if I
ever found a Genie." The Genie then
said, "Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-wish
genies are story-tale myth. I'm a
ONE-WISH Genie Uno, no mas! So..que
quieres?"

The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I
want Peace in the Middle East . See this
map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I
want all the Jews and Gringos to love
the Arabs. It will bring world peace and
harmony." she continued.

The Genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!.....
Those fools have pedo that goes back
thousands of years, chale! I'm out of
shape after being in that bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT
THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be
done. PLEASE make another wish and
please be reasonable."

The lady thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the
right man. I want a Mexican
boyfriend....You know, one that DOESN'T
DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes cumbias,
and helps with cleaning la casa. I want
him to be great in bed and get along con
mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't
throw chingasos at me. That's what I
wish for....a good Mexican man!"

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his
cabeza and said,
"Chingada vieja!!!......Let me see that
pinchi map again!

What did Davy Crocket say when
he saw all the mexicans running towards
the alamo?

Who ordered concrete?

-----
What is the difference between a Mexican
and an elevator?

One can raise a child.

-----
What do you call a Mexican with a new
car?

A felon

-----
Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?

They don't work in the future either!

-----
Did you hear about the two car pile-up
in the Walmart parking lot?

50 Mexicans died

-----
Why do mexican kids walk around school
like they own the place?

Because their dads built it and their
mom clean it.

-----
What's a mexican's favorite sport?

cross country

-----
Why cant mexicans play uno?

Because they always steal the green card

-----
2 mexicans are in a car, who is driving?

A cop

-----
Why can't mexicans be firemen?

They can't tell the difference between
jose and hose b

-----
Why were there only 5,000 mexican
soldiers at the battle of Alamo?

They only had 2 vans.

-----
What do you call a group of stoned
mexicans?

Baked beans

-----
When a Mexican runs into a wall whats
the first thing that hits?

His Lawn Mower

-----
How do you stop a Mexican tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

-----
What is the difference between a Mexican
and a bucket of crap...?

the bucket

-----
What do you call a mexican baptism?

Bean dip

-----
What do you call a mexican that can't do
any thing?

A mexican't

-----
What is the difference between a pizza
and a mexican?

A pizza can feed a family of four

-----
What do you get when you cross a Mexican
and a black person?

Somebody too lazy to steal.

-----
What do you call a mexican that is
barefoot and stepped in poop with his
toe?

A PUTO

-----
If there was a maze with with a million
dollars in the center who do you think
would win: the Easter Bunny, Santa
Claus, a smart mexican, or dumb mexican?

The dumb mexican, the rest don't exist.

-----
Why don't mexicans cross the border in
3's?

Because it says no trespassing

-----
What do you call a midget mexican?

Paragraph because he is to short to be
an essay

-----
Why doesn't the border have electric
wires?

Because Mexicans will steal the
electricity to power their house.

-----
Why are Mexicans so short?

They all live in basement apartments.

-----
How Do You Starve A Mexican?

Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work
Boots.

-----
What do you call 100 mexicans working on
a roof?

Chingos

-----
Juan,carlos,and antonio all jump off a
cliff to see who will hit the ground
first. who wins?

Society.

-----
What do you call mexican basketball?

Juan on Juan.

-----
Did you hear about the winner of the
mexican beauty contest?

Me neither.

-----
What do you get when you cross a mexican
with an octopuss?

I don't know but it could pick lettuce
good.

-----
Why don't mexicans bbq?

The beans fall through the little holes.

-----
What are the first 3 words in every
mexican cookbook?

steal a chicken

-----
Did you hear about that one mexican that
went to college?

yeah.. me neither

-----
What do you call 4 Mexicans in
quicksand?

Cuatro Cinco

-----
how do you stop a mexican from robbing
your house?

put up a help-wanted sign

-----
What's the difference between a bench
and a Mexican?

A bench can support a family (sorry,
that one is really mean)

-----
What is it when a Mexican is taking a
shower?

A miracle.

-----
What do you call a pool with a mexican
in it?

Bean Dip.

-----
What do Mexicans pick in the off season?

Their nose.

-----
A bunch of Mexicans are running down a
hill, what is going on?

Jail Break.

-----
What do you call a Mexican driving a
BMW?

Grand Theft Auto.

-----
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is
in the US!

-----
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
(burn)

-----
Why do Mexicans drive low riders?

They are too short to get into any other
type of car.

-----
What is the greatest Mexican invention?

A solar powered flash light.

-----
Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?

Have you seen a Mexican do anything
right the first time?

-----
What do you do when a Mexican is riding
a bike?

Chase after him, it's probably yours!

----
Why are Mexicans so short?

When they're young, their parents say,
"When you get bigger you have to get a
good job."

----
What do you call a Mexican without a
lawn mower?

Unemployed.

----
How many Mexicans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter, they're to short to
reach the socket.

----
How do you get 50 Mexicans is a phone
booth?

Throw food stamps in it.

----
An Arab, Frenchman, American and a
Mexican are riding down the highway. The
Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a
couple of rounds and then throws the gun
out the window. The American asks him
why he through the gun out the window
and the Arab says they have so many of
those where he is from he doesn't care
about what happens to them.

The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine
and drinks a little and throws it out
the window. The American asks him why he
tossed it. The Frenchman says they have
so much of it where he is from he
doesn't care what happens to it.

The American picks up the Mexican and
throws him out the window.

-----
Two Americans and a Mexican are
exploring in Africa and they stumble
upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe
tells the explorers that they are going
to get fruit shoved up their butts and
if they laugh they are going to get
killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them
they get to pick their own fruit. The
two whittes pick berries and the Chief
shoves it up their butts. They both
laugh their heads off. In heaven God
asks them why they laughed. And the
Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a
watermelon."

-----
A little Mexican boy goes into the
kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts
his hand in the flour and wipes it all
over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm
a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the
face and says, "Go show your father." He
goes to his dad in the living room and
says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His
dad slaps him hard in the face and says,
"Go show your grandmother." The boy goes
into his grandmother's room and say,
"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His
grandmother slaps him in the face and
sends him back to his mother. His mother
says, "See, did you learn anything from
that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure
did! I have only been white for five
minutes and I already hate you
Mexicans!"

-----
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a
German, an American, and a Mexican, and
they get captured by some Amazons. The
head of the tribe says to the German,
"What do you want on your back for your
whipping?" The German responds, "I will
take oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
When he is finished the German has these
huge welts on his back, and he can
hardly move. The Amazons haul the German
away, and say to the Mexican, "What do
you want on your back?" "I will take
nothing!" says the Mexican, and he
stands there straight and takes his ten
lashings without a single flinch. "What
will you take on your back?" the Amazons
ask the American. He responds, "I'll
take the Mexican."

----
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and
Texan were flying across country on a
small plane when the pilot comes on the
loud speaker and says " We're having
mechanical problems and the only way we
can make it to the next airport is for 3
of you to open the door and jump, at
least one of you can survive" The four
open the door and look out below. The
Englishman takes a deep breath and
hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and
hollers "Viva La France" and he also
jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so
he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he
grabs the Mexican and throws him out of
the plane.

----
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber
toe?

Roberto

---------------------------------------------

Are You The Perfect Chicano Schmuck?

Question

Yes

No

I get all my news from major
media sources and it is
accurate, truthful, and good
journalism.

___

___

I believe the US two party
system actually elects the
President and Congressional
members.

___

___

I think paper money is worth
something and Wall Street is
necessary.

___

___

I believe all my votes are
counted and tabulated accurately
and honestly.

___

___

I think wars are necessary
and inevitable, and that there
are actually "rebels" behind the
"problems" in the Mid East.

___

___

I think the TSA is there to
protect me.

___

___

I think the EPA totally
cares for, and works to protect,
the natural environment, for
citizens.

___

___

I think the FDA totally
cares for, and works to protect,
the safety of the national food
supply for citizens.

___

___

I think the CDC totally
cares for, and works to protect,
the health and safety of
citizens.

___

___

I believe a difference of
opinion or belief, religious or
otherwise, and concerns about
illegal immigration, gay
marriage or abortion equals
"hate".

___

___

I think Lady Gaga is
awesome.

___

___

I think sex is just sex, and
morals are passe'.

___

___

I think the Federal Reserve
is just a big government bank
and is necessary, trustworthy,
and has my best interest at
heart..

___

___

I think "conspiracy
theories" like Obama's origin,
UFO's, 911, OKC, the Aurora
shootings, the NWO, "chemtrails",
Morgellons, etc are all bunk.
They wouldn't do
thaaaaaat.

___

___

I believe government
entitlement programs like
welfare and subsidies are
rights.

I know more about football
or who's on Dancing With the
Stars than what is
happening in my child's
classroom.

___

___

I think vaccines and
fluoridated water and
anti-depressants are safe, and
for my benefit.

___

___

I think marijuana is the
devil's weed and dangerous with
no medicinal benefits
whatsoever.

___

___

I think race, gender, or age
make a difference.

___

___

I think owning guns for
protection of life and property
is wrong and dangerous.

___

___

I think the government has
my best interest at heart.

___

___

I think, "What's love got to
do with it?"

___

___

I think Facebook and Twitter
are awesome.

___

___

I think I am not a slave.

___

___

Scoring

To determine your score and find out
how big of a chicano schmuck you
are...add up your "Yes" responses and
check the legend below:

0..You
are a rare breed, nearly extinct. You
don't "think", you know that
you are not a slave. You need to
reproduce immediately. You strike fear
into the holes where the hearts of the
evil creeps in charge should be. May the
force be with you. Namaste'.

1 - 6..Obviously
you have a clue as to what is going on
in the US and across the world, and are
most likely losing sleep, or are at
least mildly depressed. (Try to stay off
the meds.) Tackling those last few areas
will be difficult, but try to endure.
You're worth it.

7 - 12..Although
you may have a grasp of the reality of
some issues, you are still holding on to
some illusions. You think Alex Jones is
a "truth seeker". You could benefit from
more research and self determination.
Think of it as taking your selfhood
back.

13 - 19..You
are well on your way to becoming a
successful schmuck. Look forward to
increasing relinquishment of your
personal power.

20 - 26..You
are what is commonly referred to as a "sheeple",
which, like schmuck, is a perjorative.
Good Luck.

27..You
are a Perfect schmuck! And I mean that
in the nicest way possible. So you know
what that makes you. You are totally
compromised as a true planetary human
being and US citizen. You have played
right into their hands, and
should seek help immediately, if it's
not too late already.

Wasn't that fun?

So, now you know your score. Some of
you may take that information and have a
"light bulb" moment and try to escape
the path to Schmucktopia. I wish you
well on your honorable quest.

The rest of you? Well...you'll just
keep on being schmucky, more, or less, I
suppose. For the sake of this nation,
and humanity, I hope it's less.