Living with loss: Everyone grieves in a different way, on his or her own timetable

May 21, 2013

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The Prayer Warriors pose before the Lost and Found's Memorial Balloon Release and 5K walk and run last year, from left, Abby Smith, Cassie Slaughter, Lacey Perkins, Dale Perkins and Amanda Smith. The team ran and walked in honor of Nathanael Perkins. / Submitted photo

Comforting words and helpful gesturesIf you know someone who is grieving, here are some things to keep in mind: • Just convey that you are sorry for their loss. “Say ‘I’m sorry. I am here for you,’ ” Karen Scott said. “Don’t say, ‘I know how you feel,’ because you don’t. People are offended by that. Everyone’s grief is unique and everyone’s relationship is different.” • Be a good listener. Be a good friend. The death of her husband was “the single most life-changing moment” of her life, Kim Martin said. “No one expects that to happen. I was 33, and no one expects to be a widow at 33,” she said. “It just turns your life upside down and you want to talk about it all the time. But you are so aware that you are going to alienate people by being sad around them all the time. ... I’ve had people tell me, ‘Maybe you would feel better if you would stop talking about it.’ ” • Help in tangible ways. Cut the grass, offer to watch the kids for a couple hours or shop for groceries, Scott advised. “Don’t say, ‘Call me if you need something.’ That puts the burden back on them. Just do something for them.”

Lost and Found Grief Center

The local center provides support to grieving individuals and family at no charge. Who can come?

• Kids who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling or primary caregiver. Children are assigned to a group based on their age, preschool through high school. • Parents or caregivers of kids in the program are encouraged to attend parent groups. These meet at the same time as their child’s groups meet, allowing for the entire family to be supported. • Support services are available for adults who do not have children in a group. Details

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Remembering loved ones

Consider attending an upcoming memorial event. Lost and Found Memorial Balloon Release and 5K Walk/Run

• When: Balloon ceremony begins at 6:15 p.m. Thursday. Balloon pickup/sales begins at 5:45 p.m. The 5K walk/run is at 7 p.m. in Jordan Valley Park, 635 East Trafficway St. • Where: The balloon release is in Hammons Field, 955 East Trafficway St., next to Jordan Valley Park where the walk/run will take place • Cost: Admission is free; balloons are $10 each. Fee for the walk/run: $25 in advance, $30 day ofrace; $15 for ages 12 and younger; $20 each for a team of four or more. Proceeds benefit the Lost and Found Grief Center, which provides support groups and therapy at no charge to grieving children and adults. • Information: 417-865-9998; lostandfoundozarks. comSpringfield National Cemetery Memorial Day program

• When: Music starts at 10 a.m., with the service at 11 a.m., Monday. • Where: 1702 E. Seminole St. • Information: 417-881-9499

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It wasn’t so long ago that people in mourning wore black for a year and hung wreathes on their doors.

These outward expressions of grief also were signals to others that they were in pain and mourning the death of a loved one, explained Karen Scott, co-founder and executive director of the Lost and Found Grief Center.

Today, though, people wear black to the funeral and are expected to be back in bright prints or pastels the next day.

That can be hard on grieving families, said Kim Martin, whose husband, Mark, died Dec. 26, 2011.

“Times have changed. Now people just assume you’ve got about a month,” Martin said. “They don’t understand you are still sad. They don’t understand it is your every-waking thought for at least a year.”

Seeking a way to express their grief and honor Mark, Kim and her daughter, Mackenzi, 9, will release balloons Thursday at Lost and Found’s Memorial Balloon Release and 5K Run/Walk on Hammons Field and in Jordan Valley Park. The event benefits the nonprofit center that provides free services for grieving families.

Mark’s balloons will be among more than a thousand to be released at the event. The balloons are designed to be good for the environment. Like she has done every year since since Mark died, Mackenzi will write a personal message to her father on the balloon.

Participating in a memorial event, or finding a way to honor a loved one, can help healing.

“People, no matter how recent or distant the death is, have a need to publicly acknowledge that there was someone who was important to (them) and that person is gone,” Scott said.

Cindy Niewald, whose 17-year-old daughter Kari was killed in a car crash, agreed. Though it’s been nearly 13 years since Kari died, talking about that day still brings tears.

“It was pretty devastating,” she said. “We have our faith and we knew where she was, no doubt about it. The minute I got the phone call, I knew where she was at. So I had that comfort. But it was a big loss. It leaves a big hole in your family.”

Niewald said the family looks forward to participating in Thursday’s event and celebrating Kari’s life.

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“She is still a member of our family,” Niewald said. “Her life was short, but she impacted a lot of people. You never forget. Anybody that has lost someone understands that. We don’t get to celebrate her birthdays anymore. She’s not at functions for us anymore. This is just some small way we can honor her.”

For Debbie Lasswell-Perkins, this will be her second year to participate in the 5K run/walk and her first to release balloons in memory of son Nathanael. He was killed in an auto accident in 2010 at age 23.

“We watched the balloon release last year. That affected me a lot more than I thought it would,” Lasswell-Perkins said. “Just seeing all the balloons released and realizing they represent so many people that had been lost. The crowd was pretty quiet. It was pretty touching.”

Lasswell-Perkins’ team has grown from six walkers/runners last year to more than 30 friends, family and people who knew Nathanael from church. The team’s name, The Prayer Warriors, comes from Lasswell-Perkins’ nickname for her son.

“He was my prayer warrior. If I wanted something prayed about, I could count on him. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he touched a lot of lives.”

A child's tears

Mackenzi Martin was just 7 when her father died. Her mother, struggling with her own feelings of loss, recalled having no idea how to help her daughter.

“No child at 7 expects to be fatherless,” Kim Martin said. “She felt so alone, like no one could understand her.”

Shortly after Mark died, Mackenzi’s school counselor told Kim about the free services offered at the Lost and Found Grief Center and the mother-daughter pair have been attending group therapy there since.

According to Kim, they have learned it’s OK to cry in front of each other, how to talk about Mark and celebrate his life without being sad.

“I remember Mackenzi would go through the checkout line, and she would tell people that her father just died. I felt so sorry for her,” Kim Martin said. “But the more you talk about it, the more you work through it. You are putting the the puzzle pieces together, making sense of what happens. I wouldn’t have known that (without the center). I thought we were just dwelling on it.”

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One thing she learned was that it was OK, and actually helpful, to let her daughter see her grieve.

“I’ve learned how to grieve, and that as a parent, you try to keep it together. But your child is going to learn to grieve by watching you grieve. And if you always go in a bedroom to cry, your child is going to think you never cry,” Martin said.

“I think both of us know we will never heal,” she added, “but I think we know we will get through it. And the pain is lessened every month.”

Helping children deal with grief — whether it’s the death of a parent, a sibling or close friend — is one of the most important goals at the Lost and Found Grief Center.

“Children are keenly aware of their parents’ grief, so they tend to hold back and act as if they are doing fine to avoid adding to their parents pain and concern,” Scott said.

“Grief is not only the sadness of missing that person but adjusting to life without that person. For kids, it’s different because they have limited life experiences. So younger children can’t grasp ‘gone forever.’ Even for adults, it’s extremely difficult to grasp that this person who was in my life is gone forever. It’s tenfold for a child.”

That may be especially true if the death was unexpected or traumatic. Grief counseling for a child could be necessary for years to come.

“The flip side of all the sadness is we see the progress they make,” Scott said. “We want these children to have a happy childhood. And we see that they do get there from the benefits of the group. They help each other. They learn they are not the only one. And they learn some coping skills. We also teach them appropriate ways to remember and memorialize the person. The balloon release is one example of that. It’s a way to honor the memory of a loved one.”