SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, June 16, 2013 Edition

FBI
Says “All Options Are on the Table” for Bringing Leaker to
Justice

FBI director Robert Mueller
promised that his agency “will be taking action against Edward
Snowden for disclosing confidential government activities. There is
no greater threat to the government than an unreliable insider. Mr.
Snowden has shown himself to be that kind of threat.”

Snowden's whereabouts are
currently unknown. He is reputed to have gone into hiding out of fear
for his life. Mueller vowed that “we will spare no effort to end
the threat posed by this self-styled patriot. Snowden will be brought
to justice. Hopefully, he will surrender himself peaceably. But he
will be apprehended dead or alive.”

Bipartisan support for rigorous
efforts to apprehend Snowden were voiced. House Speaker John Behner
called Snowden “a traitor who is undermining President Obama's
efforts to protect this country from serious enemies.” across the
aisle, Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) labeled Snowden's leaks “an
act of treason. He may think he's pursuing a higher good by divulging
the government's invasion of privacy, but if it comes down to
trusting him or President Obama, I'm siding with the man voters
elected over this high school dropout.”

Former congressman and
presidential candidate Ron Paul dissented from fellow Republican
Behner's take, saying that “we should be thankful for individuals
like Edward Snowden and Glenn Greenwald who see injustice being
carried out by their own government and speak out, despite the risk.”

Representative Peter King (R-NY)
came at the issue from a slightly different angle suggesting that
“the reporter who broke the story is the one we should be going
after. If it weren't for people like Greenwald publicity hounds like
Snowden would have nowhere to turn and the government's secrets would
be safe from prying eyes.”

So far, polls give an unclear
view of where the general public stands on this issue. A Washington
Post-Pew Research Center poll found that 56% saw government's
invasion of privacy to be “acceptable.” In contrast, in a Rueters
poll the split was 31% saying Snowden is a patriot, 23% a traitor,
and 46% undecided.

Agency
Head Insists NSA Spying Is Very Effective

The current Director of the
National Security Agency (NSA), General Keith B. Alexander, defended
its program of widespread spying on Americans on the grounds that
“numerous serious threats to the government have been thwarted as a
result of the data accumulated by the Agency.”

Skeptics point out that there
have been a number of jihad-style attacks on American soil
since the NSA's massive intrusion into Americans' privacy got under
way. Most notably, jihad terrorists detonated a bomb at the
Boston Marathon. In 2009, a Muslim psychiatrist murdered 13 and
wounded 31 unarmed soldiers at Fort Hood, Texas in what he calls “an
act of war against the invaders of Afghanistan.”

Alexander insisted that these
examples “unfairly blame the NSA. Obviously, a main plotting ground
for these types of attacks are the radical mosques sprinkled around
the country. What many people don't know is that the President has
blocked us from infiltrating these sites because it would violate
Muslims' freedom to practice their religion without undue invasions
of their privacy.”

“Let's not overlook the fact
that 'Evangelical Christians' is the terrorist organization that
appears on the top of our list of threats we must be on the lookout
for,” Alexander reminded. “Keeping that in mind, I'd have to say
that the NSA has proved very efficient in turning back several
critical attempts to topple the government. In 2010 using information
from our files we were successful in defending against insurgents who
tried to oust Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid from his seat.”

“Then just last year the NSA's
data was instrumental in assisting the President in fending off a
well-financed attempt to remove him from office,” Alexander added.
“The jihad attacks we missed were relatively minor in their impact.
Though there was some loss of life, these incidents never really
exposed our government to risk. So, in retrospect, I'd have to say
our focus is where it should be.”

President's
Africa Trip Has Hefty Price Tag

The
First Family's excursion to Africa is shaping up as the most
expensive trip ever taken by an American president. As of now, the
estimated cost is expected to range from $60 to $100 million. A big
item of expense is the around-the-clock security. Not only will there
be hundreds of Secret Service agents accompanying the First Family,
there will also be a constant presence of military jets flying
overhead. The bill easily dwarfs what it would've cost to provide
extra security for the Libyan Ambassador who was killed by Islamic
jihadis
in
Benghazi last September.

Press
Secretary Jay Carney brushed aside criticism that the outlay is
extravagant saying that “the extra precautions are the absolute
minimum we feel is necessary. The President and his family are the
most important people on the planet. It is our sacred obligation to
make every effort deemed necessary to ensure their safety.”

Carney
contended that “comparisons with the amounts not spent to protect
Ambassador Stephens aren't relevant. The Ambassador's death, tragic
as it was, barely caused a ripple in the context of global affairs.
Events since last September have proved that—the President was
reelected, his government still rules. The same certainly wouldn't be
the case if even the slightest harm were to befall President Obama or
his family. The consequences would be catastrophic beyond measure.”

“On
top of this, who would disagree that the malice directed toward the
President has to be far greater than that which brought Ambassador
Stephens down,” Carney continued. “Terrorists have had dozens of
their friends and co-conspirators killed by order of President Obama.
Is there any doubt that they would go to great lengths to get back at
him in whatever way they could? We are confident that the American
people are willing to pay whatever it costs to keep their President
safe.”

Military
Takes Stern Measures to Ensure Loyalty

Concerned
that US troops may have conflicting loyalties, top brass is cracking
down on “overt displays of behaviors conducive to a break down in
discipline.”

By
way of making an example, Master Sgt. Nathan Sommers, a 25-year Army
veteran based at Fort Myer in Washington, D.C., is facing formal
charges for “a litany of offensive behaviors.” The bad behavior
includes his choice of reading material—conservative and critical
of the Obama Administration—and his choice of menu—sandwiches
from Chik-Fil-A—at a party he threw celebrating his promotion to
Master Sergeant. Chik-Fil-A is the restaurant famous for its owners
views on marriage.

“The
Army must be 100% behind its Commander-in-Chief,” declared Army
spokesman Major Hardin Saddler. “The President needs to be able to
feel comfortable that the troops can be counted upon to carry out his
orders without qualms or reservations. Sgt. Sommers has indicated
that his reliability in this regard is subject to question. While we
concede that it is likely Sommers is too far gone to be reclaimed, it
is still possible that we can influence the behavior of other
soldiers by how we handle his transgressions now.”

In
a bid to provide some legal protection for freedom of conscience for
US troops, Representative John Fleming (R-La) has introduced an
amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act that would bar
the Army from retaliating against soldiers for “actions and speech
that reflect the conscience, moral, principles or religious beliefs
of the individual.”

The
Obama Administration opposes Fleming's amendment on the grounds that
it would have a “significant adverse effect on good order,
discipline, morale, and mission accomplishment. Allowing troops to
exercise their own sense of conscience undermines the unquestioning
obedience that is necessary for a well-disciplined army.”

State
Department Whistle Blower Threatened

Since
disclosing that high officials in the US State Department had covered
up an Inspector General report outlining criminal acts involving
State Department personnel, whistle blower Aurelia Fedenisn has been
intimidated by State Department threats. The criminal acts include
Hillary Clinton’s security detail who allegedly hired prostitutes,
a U.S. ambassador accused of trolling public parks for paid sex with
under-aged prostitutes, and a security official in Beirut committing
sexual assaults on foreign nationals.

Secretary
of State John Kerry defended the pressure tactics being used against
Fedenisn as “normal efforts to preserve the image of the agency.
The release of information revealing the criminal behaviors of
Department personnel is extremely damaging. The publicity has caused
far more harm than the alleged criminal offenses themselves. To begin
with, paying for sex is a made-up crime and sexual assault is often a
'he-said/she-said' kind of thing. Rather than tar America's
reputation with such petty charges they were quite appropriately, in
my opinion swept under the rug. We have bigger issues to deal with.”

Kerry
gave no specifics on what “bigger issues” he might have in mind.
Possibly, the bigger issue might entail the leak of another memo
indicating that the State Department has hired numerous agents with
criminal backgrounds.

A
Spokesman for the Secretary discounted this possibility saying that
“this Administration prides itself on rehabilitating felons and
giving them a second chance. Many of those who've served time have
valuable experience with firearms or other skills useful to the
government.”