Very Mary-Kate / Breaking Up

Script

Very Mary-Kate: Breaking Up

By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
BODYGUARD hears a scratching at his door. He opens it,
revealing MARY-KATE.
BODYGUARD
Mary-Kate.
MARY-KATE
Hi, Bodyguard.
BODYGUARD
Why do I have deja vu?
MARY-KATE
I didn't give you DV. I don't have
any DVs. I've been checked.
BODYGUARD
Okay. Uh... deja vu is not a
venerial disease.
MARY-KATE
Phew. Because I was lying.
Bodyguard shoots her a look.
MARY-KATE (CONT.)
Anyhooha, I just wanted to let you
know that I won't be showing up in
the middle of the night anymore.
Starting now, after this.
BODYGUARD
How sad. Why?
MARY-KATE
Because I have another man in my
life. And a lady can't be stealing
away to her not boyfriend's house
at 3am. It's uncouth.
BODYGUARD
Uncouth?
MARY-KATE
Yeah. And I'm totally couth now.
Couth to the max.
BODYGUARD
Okay.
MARY-KATE
We're in love. It's like I'm a left
Minola stiletto, and he's the
right. Or I'm both, and he's socks.
BODYGUARD
How nice for you.
MARY-KATE
Or he's Jay Z, and I'm Beyonce's
butt. Or I'm peanut butter, and
he's the trash.
BODYGUARD
I get it.
MARY-KATE
So I brought some of your stuff
over from my apartment. Here's your
toothbrush.
BODYGUARD
Thanks.
MARY-KATE
Headphones. Sunglasses. Ectacy
pills.
BODYGUARD
Those aren't mine.
MARY-KATE
Yeah, but will you stash them for
me? Couth, remember?
BODYGUARD
Sure.
MARY-KATE
Oh, and is the piano mine or yours?
BODYGUARD
Yours.
Helicopter sounds.
HELICOPTER
Where are we putting this?
MARY-KATE
(into walkie talkie)
Brain fart. Turn it around.
(continuing)
Now, this is hard for me to say,
but I think we should unfollow each
other on Facebook for a while.
BODYGUARD
Why?
MARY-KATE
Because it might be painful for you
to see status updates like, "Just
got a killer massage from my
boyfriend," or "Just gave a killer
massage to my boyfriend," or "My
boyfriend and I just got killer
massages from a third party."
BODYGUARD
I'm not even on Facebook.
MARY-KATE
Oh, so you want to play it like
that? Okay, I get Facebook,
Twitter, and Instagram. You get
Pinterest, Period Tracker, and
Bigger Boobs or Bust.
BODYGUARD
Mary-Kate, we're not breaking up.
Just because you have a boyfriend
doesn't mean I can't still be your
bodyguard.
MARY-KATE
Oooh. You mean I can have my cake
and have sex with different cake?
BODYGUARD
That's one way to put it.
MARY-KATE
And you wouldn't be mad at me?
Because, you're - like - my best
friend. And I wouldn't want you to
feel - like - best friendzoned.
BODYGUARD
Nothing makes me happier than the
idea of someone sweeping you off
your feet, and away from me.
MARY-KATE
You are so sweet. Can I give you a
little kiss?
Bodyguard points to his cheek. Mary-Kate grabs his face in
his hands and kisses him deeply, with tongue.
BODYGUARD
(struggling while being
kissed)
Erp. No. Stop.
She stops.
MARY-KATE
That's for putting up with years
and years sexual tension.
BODYGUARD
(swallowing)
Were you hiding an esctacy pill
under your tongue?
MARY-KATE
Oops. You might be awake for six
hours.
BODYGUARD
(sighing, closing door)
I'll put on some music.
End.