Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 03:25:14 -0500 (CDT)
From: comicality@webtv.net
Subject: "New Kid 20" (Gay Male/High School)
Can you believe it? 20 CHAPTERS! I have never written anything this big
in my life, and I am so glad that you guys enjoy it as much as you do!
Geez, you've got me blushing again! Listen, I know that this is one of
THE biggest chapters in the whole series, and that it's really important
to how the rest of things go from here, but I'm coming off of a long
break from writing here. So please forgive me if the story seems a bit
'unpracticed', I'll be getting my writing 'niche' back soon, it's just
gonna take a few tries to work out the muscles again. (Hehehe, get your
minds out of the gutter!) Anywayz, as always any feedback on the story
is welcome at comicality@webtv.net or stop by the website at
http://www.comicality.org (don't forget to sign the guestbook!)
---
"New Kid In School:"
20th Chapter
Part 1
Nothing has ever defined the words 'defeat', 'pain', 'regret', and
'discomfort' as my father's presence. They were words that I had
forgotten with time, and Ryan's love had all but erased them from my
life in the short time that we have been together. But seeing him
standing there, arms outstretched in my mother's house...brought those
words and many more back into my world and he shattered any sense of
hope that I had for moving forward without him in my life. "What...what
are you doing here?"
He stood there, still holding his arms out and beckoning me to come
closer. I noticed a slightly worried look on my mother's face and she
could obviously tell that I just wasn't happy to see him. My dad,
attempting to be fatherly for a change, chuckled a little and said,
"Look at this, the boy turns 16 today and he thinks he's too old to hug
his old man anymore! He he he!"
"I turned 16 DAYS ago Dad. You're a little late." I didn't exactly know
what was going through my mind at that moment, but something inside of
me just snapped. It had been five years for crying out loud. Sure he
called two or three times a year, and maybe sent me some money for my
birthdays and Christmas when he remembered, but that was it. I got no
love from the man at all, and after seeing him standing there in what I
claimed to be 'my' house, I had no love to give him either. He walked
out on us, on me, and decided that this wasn't where he wanted to be. So
why come back? He made his decision, he has to live with it, because the
truth of the matter was, he just didn't belong here anymore.
My father was quiet after my comment and with a smile that was getting
more fake by the second, he beckoned me over again. I looked over his
shoulder to see my mother give me a nod, like I should at least pretend
to be somewhat happy to see him. I reluctantly walked over and gave him
the hug he seemed to be begging for. It was by far the most emotionless
hug I had ever given to anybody, I'd been more affectionate with a dog.
"Well, stand back and let me get a look at you. Yep, that's my little
Randall junior." He said, noting our name, the only thing we had
connecting us anymore. "Well...don't just stand there, sit down and tell
me how you've been."
"I've been fine. Thanks for caring. Hey mom, I just came back to get
some posters, I'll be back later." I said, trying my best to get away
from the whole situation. I think even she was shocked by my obvious
display of rudeness, but since I've experienced the meaning and
blessings of true love...I just didn't have time for cheap imitations
anymore.
"Randy..." My father said, his tone of voice changing slightly. "...I
drove a long way to be here with you tonight. You mean to tell me you're
just going to turn your back on me and walk away?"
"Yeah, I guess it's a bad habit I picked up from somewhere." I said. I
looked into his eyes, and regretted it the second the words left my
mouth. His face hardened right in front of my eyes and he gave me a
harsh look that told me right then and there that I had crossed the line
and was in dangerous territory now. I wish I had the courage to yell at
him, to stand up to him and make him feel the same pain that I felt all
those years when this teenage boy needed a man in the house and he
couldn't be bothered. But something subconscious played on my instincts
and I heeded the warning signal of his eyes. It was something deep
inside of me that remembered every beating he ever gave me that made me
back down and almost run cowering behind my mother. But if I remember
correctly, he would gladly mow her down too to get a chance to get his
hands on me. I felt my safety fade away in my own house, and a fear took
over that was almost as bad as my fathers heavy handed smacks. But he
seemed to relax and regain some self control, and I began to wonder how
long it would last. I turned to my mother, who was evidently as worried
as I was about keeping the peace between us, and said, "Alright...but
I've gotta call the guys and tell them I won't be coming back tonight. I
suppose I could stay a while." I hated to do it, but it would be a small
sacrifice to make him feel like he's being a good parent for a few hours
so his ego would fill up and he could get the hell out of my life again.
I made the phone call, sat down in the living room with him and tried to
explain to him what I had been up to for the last half decade that he's
been gone. It's funny, but I seemed to sum up the whole thing in less
than three minutes, and I had nothing else to say. He asked questions,
some of them annoying, some downright vulgar. I can't believe he asked
me if I was a virgin in front of my mother like that. He kept calling me
'junior' and patting my head or slugging me in the arm, trying to get a
rise out of me. He HAD to know it wasn't working. If I never saw him
again after that day, I would die a happy man.
My dad was staying in a hotel not far from town, and he 'told' me all
the things we were going to do together while he was in town. It was
only gonna be a few days, but it was going to be a few days too many if
you ask me. We attempted to eat a family dinner, but not much was said
by either one of us. He wanted it to be like the old days again, but it
was far from it. I stayed, not because I loved him, not because I wanted
to fuel this fantasy that I really give a damn, but because I was still
scared of him. And deep down, I think my mom was too. He gave us both
our share of bruises, inside and out, physical and mental, and we didn't
need to bring it out of him again. It was like holding a match inches
away from a stick of dynamite with a very short fuse. Sure, we might
accidently light it and get away before it goes off, but what if we
didn't? What if it blew up before we got to safety and it killed us
both? It was a risk we weren't willing to take.
At one point during dinner, the subject of girls came up and I played
the good little heterosexual soldier for a few minutes. That's when my
mom brought up the hickey. That blasted thing has caused me more stress
than it was worth! My dad practically cheered for me and socked me in
the arm, a little harder than I expected, making my arm sore. "What's
the matter Randy, can't take a punch?" He grinned.
"I haven't had too many people throwing them my way lately. I guess I'm
out of practice." I mumbled, but a look from my mom across the table
told me not to go any further with that comment for both our sakes. So I
buried my face back into my dinner plate and didn't persue the insult.
But my dad kept asking questions about it, and he was bugging me to tell
where I got it. I wasn't going to get any help from my mom, afterall,
she wanted to know just as badly. I kept saying that it was private and
trying to change the subject, but it wasn't going to be that easy.
Finally, the doorbell rang and I was saved. I got up to answer it, and
to my surprise it was Ryan. I don't know what it was, but I wasn't
really happy to see him right then. For some reason, something inside of
me said that Ryan and my dad wouldn't be a good meeting at all. I was
almost scared, nervous to the point of shaking. I could feel Ryan
walking into possible danger that I couldn't protect him from, and it
terrified me. Of course my dad wouldn't lay a hand on him, and Ryan
certainly wouldn't be one to provoke an argument of any kind, but
something told me to shelter him, to hold him and keep him safe from
this whole part of my life. I loved him more than I loved myself, and
the thought of anything as simple as a comment hurting his feelings
would hurt me beyond belief, for the simple reason that I was powerless
to stop it from happenening.
"Hey dude, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to give me those
posters. I'll take them back tonight and we can hang them together
tomorrow. Besides, you're taste is better than mine." Then a smirk came
over his face and he leaned in closer to whisper, "And if it's one thing
I know about, it's your taste." Normally I would have blushed, grinned,
and giggled right along with him, but at that moment it was hard to work
up a smile. Just then, my dad walked around the corner to see who was at
the door. He caught Ryan a little off guard, but he quickly recovered.
Ryan shyly, but politely said hello and my dad told him to come on in. I
introduced them, feeling those butterflies in my stomach go wild, and
the two of them shook hands. I watched every move extremely close. If my
dad had squeezed Ryan's hand any harder, I swore I'd get a butcher knife
out of the kitchen and kill my father where he stood. They were both
being friendly as they could be, but my hands were ready, I was
preparing to strike out at any minute if he had the balls to pose even
the tiniest threat to my beautiful Ryan. It was a tense few minutes, but
I finally couldn't take anymore and told Ryan to follow me upstairs. If
I tensed up any more I was liable to pop like a rubberband.
We walked up the steps and into my room where I closed the door. "What's
the matter with you tonight dude, you're acting all weird?" He said,
that glorious smile freeing me from the fear inducing prison my dad's
presence had built around me.
"Look, just don't ask why for now, but you have to go. Okay? Please?" I
pleaded with him. He gave me a strange look, and I know I must have
sounded like a raving lunatic, but I felt so helpless against my dad
that the very notion of him doing anything to my boyfriend, this
beautiful teen angel, wouldn't go away. And there would be nothing I
could do, nothing anybody could do. He seriously asked me if I was okay
and his concern for me only made me want to protect him more. I was
almost to the point of tears, and did everything but get down on my
knees and beg him to go. He didn't understand it at all, but he took the
posters and agreed to go. But before we could get to the door, my dad
was right there asking questions again.
"Say chief, do you know anything about this little woman putting her
mark on my little boy here?" He said grinning and mussing my hair while
I attempted to secretly pull away from him.
Ryan looked over at me and smiled slyly, "Yeah, I've got a pretty good
idea where he got it." I nearly wet myself! Ryan and I could play these
little risky mind games with my mom, or with the kids at school, but my
father was NOT the one to be doing this with! "But I can't tell ya. He
made me promise."
"Now there's a good buddy. You see? There's only two things you need in
life Junior, that's "T" and "A"!" The very idea of him talking this way
in front of teenagers, in front of my mother for goodness sake,
disgusted me. I flashed Ryan another look, once again asking him to
leave. But my dad stopped him again, "So, you look like a little
heartbreaker...probably got vixens lining up around the block. How many
girlfriends do you have? Four? Five?" My dad asked, putting a hand on
Ryan's shoulder. He was touching him! He put one of those heavy hands on
Ryan's shoulder, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
PLEASE....Oh God, PLEASE just leave him alone! Let him go you son of a
bitch! I was trying to keep from tearing up, Ryan had no idea who he was
talking to, who he was playing around with.
"Actually sir, I don't have a girlfriend." Ryan said shyly, then he
looked over at me and saw my discomfort. His face changed from a shy
grin to one of deep concern. It looked like he didn't want to leave.
Like he could see something was bothering me and he wanted so badly to
help me through it, but I guess he chose to go instead.
But not before my father replied, "No girlfriend? Say, you're not broken
are you boy?"
"Wha...what?" He asked.
"You know, broken. You're not one of those pole smoking queers are ya?
You better get you a girlfriend fast before the fags come and round you
up buddy." And my dad actually thought he was being funny. Ryan smiled
weakly, but I could tell that he took a little offense to the insult. He
had hurt him! He hurt Ryan's feelings! Oh this can't be happening! I
basically walked over and pushed Ryan out of the door, refusing to let
this go on anymore.
My dad asked me what I did that for, but I just walked past him and
said, "Can we just finish having dinner please?" And I sat down at the
table again.
My dad joined us, but again, he refused to let anything go. "I'm just
saying, that any boy that nice looking without a girlfriend has got to
be some kind of fag or something. You should look for these things
Randy, you can't always tell those homos from the normal people these
days."
My mother spoke up and said, "Geez Randall, leave that poor kid alone.
That's Randy's best friend in the world."
"I know that, but you've got to admit it's a bit strange." I was
becoming more and more nervous the further this conversation went on.
Why couldn't this whole situation just disappear? How can one man screw
up so much of my life in a single evening? "Randy, you should look for
signs man. I mean it. Next thing you know he'll be pushing all your
other friends aside and he'll be wanting to give you hickeys too. That's
all those homos think about is sex, you might have to stop being so
buddy buddy with this kid if that's what it means." Yeah, whatever you
say 'Dad'. Like that's ever gonna happen. I didn't say a word, but it
was the next comment frm my mother that changed things for me completely
and sent shivers down my spine like I've never known.
"Don't be silly Randall. Afterall the two are inseperable, Ryan's the
ony other person Randy...ever...hangs out with..." Then she trailed off.
And the table got quiet, forcing my eyes to lift up from the plate. She
was staring at me, not so much angry or upset or sad, but far from
happy. It was as if she had come to the realization that Ryan and I WERE
rather close, even for best friends. Like she had suddenly thought back
to the hickey, to the time she almost caught us kissing, to the
afternoons when we ran over to his house for a wild time, to Ryan's
playful kiss in the kitchen, to my black eye, to our weekend getaway, to
the time Ryan had to hide behind the television to hide his cum soaked
face, it was like she had suddenly remembered it all and was quickly
putting two and two together. I tried to avoid her eyes by all means
necessary, trying to avoid confirming her ideas about our relationship
in any way, but I could feel her eyes watching me still. I could barely
hide my feelings from the kids at school, how long did I expect to fool
my own mother? My father didn't notice anything wrong, and continued
shoveling food into his face, but an uncomfortable silence fell between
me and my mom, and I wondered if she knew. If she actually had figured
it out, and knew the whole story. My dad said the food was delicious,
but had to call my mom's name twice before being able to get her
attention. Then she thanked him for the compliment, but she was clearly
focused on other things. Then she stood up, and nervously started
cleaning the dishes off of the table.
"I...I've...got to wash the dishes." She said quietly, and she was
fidgeting a little and I thought for sure she knew, even if she didn't
say anything. I could've cried right there, thinking that my lifestyle
may have in some way hurt her feelings, or her pride, or made her doubt
herself as a parent, or any one of the other billion things that could
possibly be going through her mind right now. I didn't know what to do,
what to say, I just wanted this whole night to just go away. I wanted it
to be over with, go to bed, and hopefully wake up and have everybody
forget everything that happened. It was just too much for me to handle.
Finally, after basically turning my entire world upside down in a matter
of hours, my dad got ready to pack up his shit and go back to the hotel.
I thought that maybe I could get some peace, but before leaving he
mussed my hair and said he had plans for us to go out after school
tomorrow. Great, more forced time with dear old dad. No thank you. He
left with a wide grin, and that was that. What I wouldn't have given to
just have him walk out on us again like he did so many years ago, and
this time, he could stay gone. I turned to say something to my mom, but
she was gone. Already back in the kitchen, scrubbing dishes. She didn't
say a word. I tried to ignore it, tried to deny it, but deep down I knew
something was wrong, and even deeper than that was the realization that
for the first time in her life, she suspected her only son of being gay.
That feeling was the most horrifying sensation I have ever felt in my
life, and with no idea of what to say to her, I walked quietly back to
my room and shut the door, not coming out again until the next morning.
Breakfast the next morning was just as awkward for the both of us. I was
hoping that some of last night would have died down by the next morning,
but it hadn't. Instead of yapping away about this and that, she was
nervous, soft spoken, and quiet. It hurt me so much to try and figure
out what she was thinking about me. Did she hate me? Was she
disappointed in me? Was she disgusted with me? Does she think she failed
me? The questions ran through my mind all through breakfast, and in her
emotionless face I found no answers. I was more than happy to get away
and go to school that day.
Ryan met me by the locker, smiling happily as usual, but for some reason
I didn't feel that joy that often accompanied any site of my beautiful
lover. I didn't experience that uplifting spirit, that warm and gentle
glow. That day, all I felt was fear, and paranoia, and a strange sense
of dettachment. I opened my locker and went through the usual morning
ritual, but as Ryan talked to me I suddenly became aware of everyone
around me. People walked past us, some said hello, some just looked,
others didn't even do that much. But I could feel their eyes on me, on
us. It was as if EVERYONE knew, as if they could tell exactly how I felt
about Ryan and how he felt about me. It seemed like every grin, every
giggle, every secret passed between them in the hallway was about us,
locked away in some basement making mad passionate love to each other
day after day. I have always felt comfortable loving Ryan before, but I
had never even considered the risk of exposure before, I was too busy
being in love. I use to tell myself that it didn't matter, that love was
stronger than fear, stronger than judgement, stronger than all of
society combined. But now I was starting to doubt that idea. I was
starting to doubt MYSELF. And as I watched so many hundreds of high
school kids pass us in that hallway, I began to wonder if they all knew,
if they had known all along and were laughing at me behind my back. I'd
rather have them call me a fag to my face then walk past me time and
time again, smug faces, noses in the air, smiling in my face when they
know this, the deepest of all my secrets. Dammit, where did I give
myself away?
"...Helloooo...Earth to Randy?" Ryan said, grabbing my attention. I
didn't even know how long he had been talking, I was too busy eyeing the
other kids around me. "What's the mater with you all of a sudden? You've
got like this weird body snatcher thing going."
"I...I'm sorry man. Just stuff on my mind I guess."
"So what do you think about this afternoon?"
"Huh...what?" I said, realizing I had missed a giant chunk of the whole
conversation.
"About Ariel coming with us to the arcade, dude! Are you even paying
attention to me?" Ryan giggled. "I thought it would be cool for him to
hang out with us a little bit. So I was going to ask him to come on by
and join us today. It might do him some good to get out and pal around
with rest of us so he won't be so shy all the time."
"Um...yeah, sure. Sounds good. I'll see you after school okay? I've
gotta get to first period."
Ryan gave me a really strange look, "Randy...we have the same class.
Dude...listen, are you sure you're okay? Please talk to me, you're not
acting like yourself today." I was able to convince him that I was fine,
but the truth was, I wasn't fine. For the first time since he had walked
into my life on that rainy day in March, I felt like I might have gotten
TOO close to Ryan. I felt like everything in my life had become so
tightly wrapped around my teen angel that it had consumed me. I loved
him so much that it was causing me to overflow with emotion, visibly
obvious, where everyone could see it. It was a neon glow that I just
couldn't contain anymore, and I thought that maybe I should pull back
from him. Just a little bit, nothing major, and just around school. And
maybe the arcade. And around my parents. That would be it, just a
little, just so I could have some time to think more clearly. And I did,
for the whole day, every time Ryan smiled or winked at me, I turned my
head. When he tried to get my attention, I pretended not to see it. I
didn't want to hurt him in any way, but I just had to do this, for the
both of us. We needed our privacy for right now. We were in high school,
reputations mean EVERYTHING here! And they follow you through all four
years, and out in the work world, and in the street, and at the ten year
reunion, the twenty year reunion, the fifty year reunion, and so on and
so on. It was simply a battle I didn't want to fight at the time.
When lunch time rolled around, Ryan seemed to be watching me closely.
Scoping me out. He wasn't just smiling innocently anymore, or giving me
a confused look, he was worried, and he was looking to see exactly what
my malfunction was. "Randy?"
"Yeah?" I said, knowing what he was about to ask, and it hurt me to hear
him say it out loud.
"Did...I do something...wrong?" I looked up into his beautiful eyes and
I could feel him nervously anticipating the answer. Geez, how could I
hurt something so adorable? I never meant to imply that it was his
fault, I just wanted to make sure that we could always be together
without the watchful eye of judgement looming over us all the time.
That's all.
I smiled accross the table at him and said, "Don't worry Ryan, you could
never do anything wrong." He sighed and smiled back at me, his eyes
bashfully looking down to the table. Seeing Ryan blush was just so cute,
because you never really knew when it was coming. I loved him so much, I
just wanted so badly to be closer to him more and more every single day.
Tyler and Sam surprised us by walking up to the table laughing about
something. Then Sam says, "Look out Ty, they're having another one of
their 'moments'!" I guess it was my turn to blush at that point. Since
they didn't take off their jackets, we assumed that they were going to
be eating out for lunch again. It seems like they never eat with us
anymore, and yet they always made it a point to come see us everyday
before they left. Maybe it was because I knew the whole story, maybe
because I knew them both so well now, but I looked up at Tyler and Sam
and I saw a reflection of that glow. I saw them standing 'too close'
together, or smiling at each other 'too much', or making 'too much' eye
contact, and I wondered if Ryan and I were the same way. It was almost
like the two of them just LOOKED gay, and I almost got nervous having
them stand so close to my table when me and Ryan were sitting together.
What was wrong with me all of the sudden??? First I move away from my
boyfriend and now I'm ashamed to be seen with my best friends in the
whole world? Why was this happening?
I tried to concentrate, to put on a smile and act normal, but I couldn't
lose that strange feeling that somebody...EVERYBODY...was watching us.
Sam and Tyler chit chatted with us for a short while and then split to
go to some fast food pizza plce not far from school. The two of them
seemed so happy, like they didn't care who saw them together, and at
that moment I began to envy them. Ryan and I used to be like that, and
we used to laugh like that, and stare like that...what's changed? I got
a shaky feeling in my stomach and Ryan had almost gone back to watching
me and asking questions, when Matt came running hurriedly up to the
table.
"Huff..huff...you guys didn't see Sam and Tyler, did you?" Matt panted.
Ryan said, "Yeah, they left about five minutes ago to go to the pizza
place around the corner. Where have you been?"
"I TOLD them to wait! What the fuck?" Matt said, ignoring the question
and looking a bit frustrated about the whole thing. "I can't believe
they couldn't wait for just a few more minutes. I bet if it was TYLER,
Sam would have waited a bit longer." He said. Matt slouched down a
little bit and we could instantly tell that he was anything but happy.
We were silent for a second, but looking over at Matt, it was like we
could almost feel him being really hurt or something. I know that he and
Sam had been quite an item for a while before they met any of us, but
Matt seems to have disappeared from that perfect 3-way picture since
Tyler joined them. It was odd, Matt was hardly the type to really sulk
over anything. I mean, if had an ounce of self pity in him, he hid it
well. But now he seemed defeated...almost jealous.
"Are you okay Matt? I mean you could eat with us if you want. It
wouldn't be so terrible, you know." I said, hoping to cheer him up a
little bit. Besides, it would be better to have three of us at the
table. Three guys is considered 'hanging out', but two guys is
questionably a 'couple'.
"I'm fine, Randy. That's alright, you two just go on and finish lunch.
I'm gonna eat out." He said getting up. Funny how slouching over in his
chair for a few moments helped him to catch his breath.
"Yeah, they're just around the corner dude. You can still catch them."
Ryan said, shoving some of his sandwich into his mouth.
"I don't even want to catch them. Fuck 'em. If they can't wait a few
minutes for me to get here, then they obviously don't want me there." He
said. Ryan and I looked at each other briefly, and that's when we knew
that something was REALLY not right.
"Matt...if you want to talk about it later on or something..." I said,
but Matt was already shaking his head and walking away from the table.
He had gotten a few steps away from us, when he turned around slowly and
asked, "Did they even ask if you had seen me?" He looked like he was so
empty, but thinking back to the whole time that Tyler and Sam were
chatting with us, they never mentioned Matt. Not once. It wasn't like
they didn't care, it just never came up I guess. It hurt us to say it,
and before I answered, Ryan looked up at me and told me with his eyes
that he was saying the same thing. I shook my head slowly, and Matt
nodded his head as if to say 'I thought not'. Then he just turned and
walked off. Trouble in paradise? We were hoping not, but the signs were
starting to show more and more every day.
We sat there for a few minutes without saying a word to each other,
that's when Ryan finally got fed up and pushed his tray forward, leaning
back in a huff. "Alright Randy...TALK to me! What's the matter with you?
You act like you don't even want to be here with me!" His voice was a
bit louder then I normally found comfortable, and it didn't help the
paranoia in my mind any.
"Ryan...look, can't we just talk about this later?"
"No we can't talk about this later. I wanna know what's bugging you all
of the sudden. Everything was so cool until yesterday, and now you're
being all weird." Ryan's eyes softened a bit, and his voice sounded a
bit shaky. He leaned closer compassionately and looked up at me with
those glorious hazel eyes, pleading for an answer. "Randy, pleeeaase. If
I did something, let me know. If I hurt you in any way, I'm sorry. Is it
me, is it your dad, is it Tyler, is it Ariel...tell me something. I love
you."p> I couldn't believe he said it! He SAID it! In a normal speaking
voice! In a lunchroom FULL of people!!! ANYBODY walking by could have
heard him! I was trapped. I felt so incredibly torn, between my undying
love for my boyfriend, the cutest and most loving boy on Earth, and my
life as I knew it. And I do mean my entire life. They say that the
person doesn't change when you come out, but how did I know that was
true? And if it was, how did I know I wasn't going to be the first? How
many of these kids would turn their back on me? How many would beat the
shit out of me, or tease me, or leave gay pictures on my locker, or do
something to Ryan? There were guys who were already jealous of Ryan's
good looks and charm, he was stealing hearts left and right, they'd be
sure to jump on the chance to ruin his reputation for good. I wanted to
pull away, I wanted to get up walk away from it all, but I knew that
anything that hurt Ryan would hurt me a hundred times more. I got choked
up, I didn't know what to say or to do, but I just let my emotions run
things for a few seconds, putting my heart one step in front of my
common sense. "It's NOT you Ryan. Please believe that. I'll tell you all
about it later on today, okay? I promise."
Ryan reached under the table, never once looking over his shoulder to
see who was watching, and took my hand in his. I loved him so much, but
he had no idea what he was doing to me at that moment. The torment of
choosing between being with him and being 'outed' was more than I could
possibly bare. "Then say it Randy. Just one time, say you love me and
I'll believe you."
Why was he insisting on this?!?! We were in PUBLIC for fuck's sake!
"Ryan...."
"Just one time Randy. Please. I need this."
The look in his eyes was so amazing, so strong, and a fear swept over me
that I couldn't put into words. It was almost an ultimatum. Choose.
Choose dammit! Choose RYAN...Geez what was I waiting for? This is what I
want, it's all I've EVER wanted. CHOOSE!!! Say the words and live
happily ever after with the beautiful strawberry blond teeny bopper
sitting across the table from you, you idiot! I tried...I tried with all
my might to get those damn words to come out of my mouth. But I couldn't
say it, I couldn't! The sheer terror was just too strong and it
strangled me with a vice like grip that wouldn't let go! He saw how much
trouble I was having, and gripped my hand harder, as though he was
trying to give me some of his strength, some of his courage, and he was
waiting for it, looking almost as nervous as I was. His eyes were trying
to pull it out of me, trying to draw the lovely words out of my mouth.
But it seems as though when I needed to say the words the most...my
breath left me.
Ariel had finally gotten his lunch and was walking over to our table.
Ryan knew he was coming, and usually the presence of anyone coming our
way would prompt us to return to normal, which I did on reflex. But Ryan
didn't do it this time. He kept his eyes locked on me, his hand keeping
a firm grip on mine, and he basically gave me a look that said he didn't
care who was coming over, he wanted to hear me say the words out loud
before we lost this moment in time. But when Ariel got close to the
table and sat down, I had to back off. I pulled my hand back, gently at
first, but Ryan held on and it took a little bit more force to dettach
myself from him. And when I had fully pulled free of him, his face
became sullen and sad, as though I had ripped his heart out of his chest
and stomped on it. Ariel sat down, still kinda quiet from the day
before, and the tension at the table got so thick that it was hard to
breathe. Ryan was visibly still hurting about what happened, and after a
few more moments of silence, he looked like he was about to burst into
tears. He quickly stood up and said, "I'll be back...I've gotta go to
the bathroom real quick." God...what the fuck was I doing to him? He had
given me so much, and all he asked in return was for me to repeat the
same three words that I had said to him a zillion times before. I felt a
sting of pain in my heart as I saw Ryan walk away from us and out of the
cafeteria. I was such an asshole sometimes. This is stupid! I loved him,
I knew it, he knew it, and if everybody else knew it too...would it be
so bad? What was the point of bottling this all up inside anyway? I
should just tell him. I should just say what I feel in my heart and
whatever consequences come our way after that, we could deal with
them...together.
"Is he gonna be okay? He looks upset about something." Ariel said. I had
almost forgotten he was there.
"He'll be okay. He's just got something on his mind, that's all. He just
needs some time alone."
"Sounds to me like he needs his friends." Ariel said. For some reason,
it didn't even sound like him at all. It was just something I never
expected Ariel to say, ever. He was just so reserved and quiet, that it
caught me by surprise. He saw me take a quick look over at him to make
sure this was the same Ariel who was constantly running into walls and
dropping things in my lap. He suddenly got a little scared and turned
his eyes down to his lunch tray. "I'm...I'm sorry. None of my business."
He said, his face turning red.
"No, no...dude, you're right. Go on."
"Really?"
"Ariel, you don't have to hold back what's on your mind you know. I
respect what you have to say. You can tell me anything."
I saw Ariel's face turn white, and his body started to tremble slightly.
It was then that I truly understood what he was going through everyday
just by being near me. We had been friends for a short while, but he was
still scared to death of me because of the feelings he had inside. At
one time I thought it was just his insecurities, low self esteem, or
shyness that kept him from saying the words. I thought that he was just
making a big deal out of nothing, and that he should just tell me how he
felt. But it was that day at lunch, when I pulled away from the most
important person in my life, that I realized how terrifying those three
words could be, and how hard it is to say when you really mean it. Ryan
and I had almost worn the words out, we had said it every single day
without much thought or hesitation at all. But, and I'm not saying that
we didn't really mean it before, now it had taken on a whole new
meaning. We had come a long way since we first met, we had been through
so much, break ups, make ups, trials and ordeals, suspicions, good times
and bad, and after it all we were still holding hands. I'd walk through
hell itself for that boy, and never think twice about who was there to
see it. I finally understood that it was just a few minutes ago, sitting
at that lunch table, that Ryan had TRULY told me he loved me....for the
first time.
"Thank you Ariel...you've done more for me than you know. Thank you." I
said, getting up and patting him affectionately on the shoulder. I
started to walk away from the table to go find Ryan, but I looked back
to see Ariel sitting at the table, all alone, and my heart wouldn't let
me do that to him. No matter how used to it the poor kid might be. "Hey
Ariel, care to join me dude?"
He looked around, a bit confused at first, but once he understood what I
was saying, a huge grin spread across his face and he hopped to his
feet. He was ecstatic, he grabbed his bag and walked towards me, leaving
his tray and everything on the table. I pointed to the table and he
giggled nervously to go back and clean up his stuff. Geez, it made me so
happy to make him happy. It was just so cool. Ariel picked up his tray
shakily and by the time I had turned around to face the door, I heard a
crash come from behind me and I didn't even have to look to know that
the contents of his lunch were all over the floor by now. Usually, Ariel
starts blushing and apologizing for his little accidents, but this time
he hurried past me. "C'mon! Let's go, c'mon!" He giggled happily. I
looked at the mess on the floor, and watched as Ariel laughed while
speeding away from the scene. I had to grin myself and I ran out of the
cafeteria with him. As soon as we reached a safe distance and caught our
breaths, I smiled at him and told him to meet us at the arcade after
school. He looked like he had just been asked to go to the prom! His
beautiful eyes opened wide and he said, "Fuckin' A!!! I'll be there!"
Hehehe, funny, I've never heard Ariel really swear before. I think maybe
we were a bad influence on him, that's what made having him around so
fun.
I saw Ryan again after the next period and he greeted me with the same
painful look that he had before. But this time I was full of life, of
energy. The hell with the world! It didn't have any meaning without Ryan
in it anyway. I threw him a note and arranged a little meeting in our
special bathroom down the hall. I went first, and waited for him to
follow a few minutes later. When Ryan walked in, he looked as though he
had been runover by a truck. To see anything but a smile on my
boyfriend's face was a tragedy. But I had good news, and I hoped it
would make him feel at least a little bit better. "Ryan, look...I was a
jerk earlier, okay? I want to tell you everything, I want to let you
know how I feel, but it's not always that easy."
Ryan walked over to me and ran his figers through my hair, "It's not
always easy for me either. But you make it less difficult by just being
near me. I love you so much Randy. I truly do."
"I love you too Ryan. Just understand that if I pull away from you, it's
because I don't ever want anyone to hurt you, or to stand between what
we have. I think about the other kids, my family, my mom and dad...and
it scares me. I mean, I know you're dad is kinda cool about it, but my
mom would flip out. And I just can't do that to her, you know?"
As I talked, Ryan's hand kept slowly massaging my hair, up and down, and
then in slow erotic circles. The contact was making me extremely horny,
and it forced me to close my eyes, my lips finding their way over to
Ryan's wrist, kissing it tenderly. Then Ryan spoke, and his words turned
me on even more, his hazy teen voice playing like a soft melody in my
ears. "God...you are so beautiful to me Randy." He was tearing up,
actually tearing up. He loved me that much, and it made me feel
invincible in his eyes. We were both on the verge of crying when we
heard voices getting close to the door. We looked down and were both
hard as rocks! We quickly turned to the urinals and pretended to be
taking a leak to hide our erections, and that's when the door swung
open. It was just a few guys horsing around, no doubt coming in for a
quick cigarette before class. Ryan and I were trying to get our boners
to go down, but everytime I thought of him being close to me, trying to
soften up as well, I'd spring to attention again. The other guys in the
bathroom were just sitting there, smoking, chatting away about this girl
and that one, and taking their own sweet time. Meanwhile, Ryan and I
must've looked like we were taking the longest piss in history! We had
been standing there so long that we looked at each other and started
snickering. We couldn't really hold it in either, and soon we were
giggling quietly to ourselves. That's when we heard the room get quiet,
and the other guys were staring at us. We forgot...guys don't giggle in
public restrooms. It's in the boy's code on the first page for crying
out loud. That's when we looked over our shoulders and Ryan says, with a
straight face, "What are you homos looking at? We're trying to take a
piss here!" I almost burst out into laughter when I heard him reverse
the whole situation like that. The only thing funnier than that, is the
other guys actually felt insecure about looking, and starting calling
each other queers! Ryan and I finally got back to normal and walked out
of the bathroom, leaving the small group of guys to argue who was
looking and who wasn't.
Ariel must have been waiting outside for a whole hour again, because the
second I left my last period class, I saw him standing right there in
the doorway, ready to go. He ran off to get his jacket and made me
promise three times that I wouldn't leave without him. Then as soon as
he was gone, I saw Ryan walking towards me in the hallway. He was
happier than he was at lunch, but still not as lovey dovey as he had
been before. Tyler and Sam walked by and said they were going to meet us
there as soon as they went by Matt's place to get some leftover tokens
from the day before. But this time I made sure to give a little helpful
hint as to what might be happening here. I didn't want them to make Matt
feel left out or anything, because I know what a rotten feeling that is,
and I'm sure they weren't doing that on purpose. But at the same time I
didn't want to imply that they were up to anything 'wicked' so to speak.
"So...what about Matt? Aren't you guys gonna wait for him?"
"I tried to talk to him, but he said he'd just meet us there. Something
about finishing some project after school. I hope he's alright, he
seemed kinda out of it today. But I already apologized about lunch and
he made me promise to buy him some grub from Frankies later." Sam said.
I knew it wasn't anything serious. Sam and Tyler were both good guys, it
was just that Matt had been busying himself with a lot of extra
curricular lately. They'll be fine. They walked off together and Ryan
gave me a weird smile.
"What?" I asked.
"My Randy...forever the matchmaker." We grinned at each other for a
second before Ariel came sliding into the locker next to me. He had been
running a bit faster than he thought and when he couldn't stop he hit
the locker with a loud clang. He kept his balance though and giggled
sheepishly before blushing that oh so cute shade of pink. Ryan just
shook his head and said, "Well, now that the gang's all here, lt's
roll."
We drove out to the arcade, and you would have thought that Ariel was a
brand new puppy as excited as he was. He was practically bouncing up and
down on the seat, speaking at a hundred miles a minute, and talking loud
enough for us to actually hear every single word he said. He actually
had a really cute voice, but it would squeak every now and then when at
full volume. His enthusiasm about being with us kept us amused the
entire trip and I think it was the longest that I had ever seen him go
without blushing. I was really glad that we took him along. Matt was
already at the arcade when we got there, and he was playing some game in
the corner. We walked over and introduced Ariel to him and even though
he was greeted with a warm smile, Ariel retreated back into his shell a
little bit and got quiet again. We could only hope that he'd break out
of it, because he would be such a cool addition to our little crew.
Matt was happy enough to see him, and he tried to show him a good time,
but except for a few smiles, Ariel kept silent. He'll grow out of it
though, Ariel was just being himself. So the afternoon started off a
little weird, but it would get better as we all got used to each other.
About an hour had passed and we were starting to wonder exactly what
happened to Sam and Tyler. They shouldn't be taking quite THAT long
getting some extra tokens. Ryan and I thought it was strange, but we
tried not to draw attention to it. Afterall, Matt was having a good
time, and we didn't really want to spoil anything. So the two of us just
exchanged a glance every now and then to let the other know that we were
on the same page. We don't think he knew we were doing it, but somehow
his smile seemed to lose its genuine flavor and was getting more
'forced' by the minute. We could tell that he was getting a bit miffed
over the whole thing, because the three of us could guess at exactly
what happened if they went back to Matt's basement and didn't come out
of it.
Matt, trying to be extra friendly to our new companion, decided to show
Ariel his high score on one of the fighting games there. He dragged all
of us over to look. "Yeah, Sam beat me by a few hundred points by being
lucky! But my name is number two, and his is number one. Two peas in a
pod, you know. We've been the top two names on the scoreboard for almost
three months now." Matt said proudly. We watched the game's demo and
waited for the high scores to roll. It was the first game that he and
Sam had ever played together, and I guess it was the game that
ultimately made him and Sam a happy couple. It was a story that he told
me vaguely, but I often meant to ask him to tell it to me in detail. I
wondered if it would come out sounding like one of those corny internet
stories where the kids just happen to be gorgeous, and just happen to
meet, and just happen to have everything in common, and just happen to
be gay, and just happen to fall in love! I mean, how often does that
really happen. Well....Ryan doesn't count. That wasn't some internet
story, that was real life.
The high score finally reached up to the top five, and there was
Matt....at number 3. Sam was at number one like he said, and at number
two, just a few points higher than Matt...was Tyler's initials. I looked
over at Matt and saw him staring at those initials, shaking with a
combination of shock, dissappointment, anger, and sadness. The look in
his eyes was unexplainable. It was at that moment that we knew things
were not going to continue to go well for the happy trio. Ariel seemed
just as impressed, I mean he had no idea that ANY of us were gay, much
less together. But Ryan looked over at me and then offered Matt some of
his tokens. "Go ahead man, you can beat it. You've only got a few points
to go to be number two again."
"Can...can I borrow some change for the phone?" Matt said. The hurt on
his face was beyond hiding at that point. Relunctantly, Ryan gave him
the change, and I decided to go with him. Just in case this didn't go
well.
I watched Matt dial up his house, searching for his boyfriends, and his
face turned sour when he got no answer. He was about to get the
answering machine, so he hung up and tried again. Then after a pause, he
hung up and tried again, this time with a bit more force. When he didn't
get an answer for the fourth time, he slammed down the receiver and
decided he would try one more time. "I'm sure they're on their way
dude." I said, attempting to comfort him, but as soon as he dialed the
number, his face twisted up like he was about to cry.
"Oh really?" He said, and he handed me the receiver. It was a busy
signal.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that they heard the phone ringing and they took it off the
fucking hook!" He said, slamming the receiver back on the public phone.
He stared at the wall for a second, and a single tear streamed down his
face. I threw an arm around him in a chummy type of way, but he didn't
move. He just whispered, "I've lost him. I've lost the most important
piece of my life, and I'll never get it back. Oh God Randy, what am I
gonna do?" Then Matt collapsed into my arms and cried. Really cried, in
the middle of a crowded arcade. Ryan and Ariel saw me from across the
room, and with a simple nod, he knew it was time to go. I could only
hope that Matt could get through this. Pain is temporary, love is
forever. If he can keep that in mind, he'll be alright...eventually.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I believe the term is, "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!" Yes, there is an
entire second part to this chapter waiting for you as this special 20th
anniversary chapter continues! So look for "New Kid In School: 20th
Chapter Part 2"! (Told ya it was a big chapter!) :)
--------------------------------------------
Yes, there is more to the story! Keep going, the fun's just beginning!
"New Kid In School:"
20th Chapter
Part 2
Ryan was driving us to Matt's house, and Matt decided to sit in the
front seat in order to hide his discomfort about the whole affair from
Ariel. Like Ariel couldn't tell from the dead silence during the whole
trip. I think the only thing that kept him from putting two and two
together was the fact that I was sitting in the back seat next to him.
It was hardly the time to worry about myself, but I saw Ariel taking
small glances at me from time to time, and occassionally he would
pretend to accidently knock his knee against mine. I could tell that
even the smallest amount of contact with me was causing him to just
bubble over with affection. But I ignored it, I had to. The last thing
Matt needed was to see the two of us practically play wrestling in the
back seat. Then again, I didn't want Ariel to feel bad either. So I put
a stop to it the easiest way I knew how. I turned to Ariel and flashed
him my biggest, sexiest smile. I almost laughed outloud when I saw the
look in his eyes! I bent my hair down a little and let it flop over into
my face and if I had been an inch closer...Ariel would have cum all over
himself! His eyes were full of just...this shock, and then he turned
deep red, almost purple, and retreated back to his corner of the back
seat. It was a dirty trick, but I needed a little space right now. The
mind can only handle one problem at a time. I looked forward and could
see Matt's face reflected in the passenger side mirror, he was trying so
hard to keep from letting it all out in front of us. I wanted so badly
to be there, to help him, to make everything in his life all better. But
I couldn't. I couldn't even begin to think of a logical answer. Then I
turned my focus to Ariel, and I saw him looking out of his window, just
as sad. I started to feel really bad about playing on his affections
like that. The poor kid was trying soooo hard, and he was making actual
progress. I had never seen Ariel so happy, so excited to have friends,
so open about himself. But no matter how hard he struggled, no matter
how badly he wanted to do it, he just couldn't say the words. He was so
terrified of risking what we had, that he didn't dare. It must be so
painful, to have everything you want so close, and yet be untouchable.
To appreciate what you have, and yet dare to want more. Ariel was
hurting too, and I so wish that I could give it to him. I wish I could
be his version of Ryan and just sweep him into this world of neverending
joy and splendor. A world filled with so much pleasure that it's painful
to even think of settling for anything less. Once again, a problem I
couldn't solve. In life, the decisions just keep getting harder.
We finally arrived at Matt's house and let him out. He was shaking, it
was almost as if he was afraid to go into his own basement. But he
slowly started off anyway, ready to face whatever may lie behind that
door. "You know, Matt...if you want to talk about anything later...you
know my number." I said while hopping into the front seat.
"I'll be...fine. No matter what. Take care fellas, nice meeting you
Ariel." He said, and we waited for him to get to his front door before
driving off. This was a battle he was going to have to fight on his own
now. Good luck Matt...you can do it buddy.
While driving back to take Ariel home, I looked at him in the rearview
mirror and saw a look of concern on his face. He was concentrating on
something hard, and if I didn't know better, I'd say he was planning out
a little conversation to himself. I kept glancing back and forth
secretly, but he was focusing so hard on his 'inner monologue' that I
deemed it safe to just sit and watch him. Maybe it was just me, or the
way that I was feeling, but from the look of determination on his face,
I could have sworn that if Ryan wasn't sitting right there, he would
have told me....everything. I could see the courage building in him, I
could see him getting to the very edge. He had already crossed the line
between secrecy and subtle hints, now he was standing at the line
between subtle hints and total confession. Normally I would have rooted
him on, but not now. Not at this very moment. I agreed that it was time
to say something before his love for me got any deeper than it already
had, but if I rejected him and both he and Matt broke down at the same
time, then I'd go nuts. Add that to trying to make things right with
Ryan, trying to hide my feelings from my mother, and a visit from my
wonderful....OMIGOD!!!
MY DAD! I forgot all about him this afternoon. He told me to be home
right after school so we could go out and do whatever he thought was
'guy stuff'. I didn't really want to go to begin with, but I didn't mean
to actually forget all about it. Now I'll have to go home and get the
hour long lecture about how I ditched him when I knew he was only in
town for a few days. So what? Fuck him, he never cared much for me
anyway. So what if I missed out on some quality time? He missed out on
five years worth of mine. So, like I said, FUCK him!
Ryan drove over to my house, but suddenly I felt a wave of fear take me
over. I saw my father's car still parked in the driveway, and it hit me
that hanging out all afternoon with my 'fag' boyfriend would NOT be a
good excuse to use here. Especially since I knew my mom was coming to
her own conclusions about me and I didn't want her finding out, not like
that. I'll be honest with myself, I never ever planned on telling her
anything. It simply wasn't an option that I ever thought about. I just
figured that I could keep it a secret and sneak around with guys without
anyone ever finding out about me. I could do that. I've been acting
straight for 16 years now, and I haven't been caught yet. Now, if only I
can keep up appearances for the next...60 or 70 YEARS I'll be okay! Yes,
it was unrealistic, but at the time it seemed like an easy solution to
the whole thing. But I guess that now I'm realizing that 'solutions' are
for 'problems'. And this isn't a problem, not for me. I love Ryan, God I
love him. I look over at him sometimes and I feel this incredible heat
wash over me and I know that I'm alive. I'm still so amazed by his
beauty, by his charm, by his smile. I love the way he walks, the sound
of his voice, the way his hazel eyes sparkle in the afternoon sunset,
the way he chews his food at lunch, the crinkles that his shirt makes
when he moves, the way his strawberry blond locks of silken hair wave
hypnotically in even the most tame spring breezes...no one else on the
entire planet could possibly feel this way for anybody the way I felt
for Ryan. No one else could know this kind of love, we had to be the
very first or something. Because if even a small percentage of people
could know a fraction of what a blessing this kind of love can be, the
world would be a much brighter place. No, this was definitely no
'problem' for me...maybe for everybody else, but if I had Ryan by my
side, they didn't really exist anyway. I wish there was some way that I
could make my mother understand that. Some way for me to put that into
words for other people to read. If only I could do a little something to
open their eyes, for just a moment, then maybe they could seek out a
love of their own, and spend every moment until then in childlike
anticipation for the greatest gift of all. Sigh...I think too much.
It only took a word for Ryan to take me to his house instead. I'm glad
he didn't ask me to explain, because my father wasn't necessarily a
subject that I wanted to deal with right then. We saw the light on the
answering machine blinking and thought it might be Matt, so we listened
to it. But it turned out to be Ryan's dad instead. The message said that
he'd be late coming home, and that he wanted Ryan to pack a small bag
for him because he was going out of town for a day or two. It was good
to hear, considering that Matt's place might be a bit tense for the next
few days. I was really hoping that whole situation worked out for the
best. I mean they were three of the best friends that I've ever had in
my life, how could I choose between them. And then there's Ariel. The
only thing that would hurt him more than me pulling away from him is me
getting closer to him than I already am. That was an issue I was going
to have to solve soon. But like I said, I think too much.
We went upstairs to Ryan's bedroom and just relaxed for a spell. He put
on some music and he sat back against the headboard of his bed. I
instinctively crawled up between his legs and sat with him, my back to
his chest, and he wrapped his loving arms around me, placing a sweet
kiss on my cheek from behind. Ryan petted and stroked my hair, somehow
making all the worry go away, somehow pushing the stress of it all out
of me and making way for that incredible feeling to surge through me. I
sighed out loud, and his arms clutched me even tighter as he felt the
tension flow out of me. There was nothing more warm, more comfortable,
more life giving, than Ryan's warm embrace. He continued to smooth my
hair down and he kissed me again on the back of the head, inhaling my
scent. It was hard to tell whether he was all mine or I was all his.
Maybe we just belonged to each other. Maybe we just belonged together.
"Do you think it'll work out?" I asked.
"With Matt and the guys?"
"Yeah."
Ryan sighed, and he held me a little closer. "I'm sure it will be okay.
It's just...no matter what happens, somebody is gonna get hurt. If it's
Matt, he'll lose the only boy he's ever really been in love with to
someone else. It'll kill him."
"And if it's Tyler," I continued, "He'll be playing the third wheel
again and he will feel like he's being pushed aside for another
relationship. He'll be crushed."
"Yeah...I know. I want to help, Randy, really I do, but this is all in
their hands now. We'll just have to wait and see."
"I know. Just promise me something Ryan. Promise me that no matter what,
you'll never leave me. And don't just say it, you have to really mean
it."
Ryan kissed me again on the cheek, a few small pecks, his lips felt so
soft and warm on my skin. His arms moved down to fold tenderly around my
stomach, and I used my hands to rub up and down the outsides of his
thighs. "I will never leave you Randy. Never. I'd give all eternity away
for just five minutes of bliss with you. I mean that." Ryan's words
melted my soul and I just let my body go totally limp in his arms.
"Me too. I'll be here, whatever you need from me, you can have. I can't
express all the things I want to do for you. I wish there was a stronger
way for me to say how much I love you."
"I know, somehow, I just know. Nothing will ever hurt you as long as I'm
here Randy...nothing." Ryan's hands moved up and down my stomach,
causing the muscles to tighten and shift with his motions. Ryan's
kissing had moved down to my neck and collar bone, and our quiet moment
in time was turning into something a little more 'festive'. I could feel
him hardening quickly behind me, his stiff member poking me seductively
in the back, and a low sexy moan escaped his throat. The vibrations
alone were almost enough to make me cum as they traveled through my
collar bone and tickled me from the inside. I slid down a little
further, and leaned my head back to let my lips make contact with my
lover's. Every kiss was stronger and more important than the last, and
as my tongue slid erotically back and forth over his, all time stopped.
It just hurt for anything to feel this good to me and not know if I was
making it as mindblowing for him. No matter how much raw emotion I gave
him...I was constantly trying to give him more. That's the funny thing
about love, there's no limit, there's always some area unexplored, or
some door left to open, or some level of excellence that you're always
willing to push. I tried to psh that limit every single day, and I never
tired of it.
Ryan's hands had somehow unzipped my pants without me even knowing, and
he reached in to expose my meat to daylight. Feeling the electric shock
of him taking a hold of my cock made me shiver and shake wildly, lifting
my hips off of the bed and sliding down even further in his lap. My
kissing became more intense, and it was like I was trying to drain him
of his very life essence through his soft pink lips. I reached up to
grab him by the head and pull him down further, attempting to kiss him
even harder. He tasted so sweet to me.
He began to stroke me ever so slightly, but his strokes didn't stay slow
for long. The way I was squirming in his lap and kissing him with as
much passion as I could possibly generate in my young teenage body, he
was getting even hotter than normal. His breathing got heavier, and soon
we weren't breathing at all, we were making sounds and whimpers
everytime we exhaled. Ryan's hand was working me so good that I was
fucking his hand with all my strength. I was pushing my back against his
rigid cock and he was pushing it into me, grinding hard between my
shoulder blades. He abruptly pulled me up against him again, I sat in
front of him, trying to turn around, trying to taste him, to kiss him,
to feel him, to please him. But he fought me, he held me tight against
his chest and whispered, "Let me do it Randy, let me do this for you." I
didn't want to stop, God I wanted him so bad. He stuck his tongue out
and licked the side of my neck, moving up to my ear and nibbling hard at
my earlobe. His hands moved faster up and down my shaft, and I could
feel it in my stomach! His free hand moved up under my shirt and he was
starting to bite down a little harder on my ear, I was in ecstacy! It
felt so good that I cried out in passion and actually felt a stray tear
roll down my cheek as the orgasm built inside of me. My body was trying
to straighten out, to become stiff as a board, but Ryan held me steady,
keeping me at an angle, keeping me from sliding down in his lap no
matter how bad my body tried to fight it. My legs began to shake as the
runaway climax began to strike me with a vengence, the feeling kept
getting stronger, and stronger still. Ryan was still trying to push
himself into me from behind, and I pushed back on his cock to make him
shudder. He sped up even faster and we both twitched and jumped as our
bodies became one. He whispered words in my ear so beautiful, so
incredibly wild, that it could have sent me over the edge without any
physical contact at all. I knew the moment of truth was upon me, and I
leaned my head back on Ryan's shoulder as I prepared to feel the pain of
release. Ryan was coming close too, and he nibbled ravenously on my
neck, his warm saliva dripping down to my shirt collar. I screamed,
litterally screamed, as the forceful blast of teenage cum shot out of me
across his room. He never stopped pumping, he never stopped grinding,
and the motion of his hand nearly drove me insane. Shot after shot flew
out of me, each one accompanied by a whimper of pure madness. I was
breathless, seeing stars, fireworks, and just when I thought the orgasm
was over, another wave of tingles would shake me again. Ryan's started
almost the exact same second that mine finished. He sighed at first, and
then cried out as he began filling his pants with his delicious cream. I
could feel the warmth of his crotch as it was soiled with his cum and I
pushed my ass back on him hard, hoping to send the same surge of tingles
through his sensitive cock that had passed through mine. Ryan was
helpless, desperate, all he could do was grip me tightly around the
waist and wait for the earthquakes to stop. He squeezed me, forcing the
air out of my lungs, sticking his groing into me as far and as hard as
he possibly could sitting down, and he mashed his face up against my
back, attempting to muffle his moans of pleasure. He stayed that way for
a while, but he must have cum even harder than I did, because he
couldn't seem to let go. In fact, he slid down further and pulled me all
the way on top of him, wrapping his legs around me and molding himself
to me as close as he could. We caught our breath and then relaxed,
falling into a post orgasmic haze that kept my head spinning for a full
half hour afterwards. We laid in Ryan's bed, not moving, him wrapped
around me from behind, and we just sat and listened to each other
breathe. It was the quiet calm after the storm, that made every minute
with Ryan a treasured one.
I knew that I'd have to face the music eventually, and that the time
would eventually come when I had to leave my angel's side and go see my
father. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I started to get up, and I
realized that Ryan had fallen asleep. His arms had gone limp around me,
and just feeling his warm boyish breath on the back of my neck was
enough to make me want to trade in my life to make this moment last
forever. But I had to go. I slipped out of his embrace, and I already
missed his body heat as I felt the coolness of the air rush in around
me. I looked back down at him, half asleep, half awake, smiling at me
with lazy eyes. "Are you going already?"
"I've got to. I'll see you in history tomorrow."
"Randy..." He moaned, sitting up and taking my hands in his, "Why don't
you come 'here' tomorrow, and we can spend the day together. What do ya
say? Clothes are optional." He said. I couldn't say no to that adorable
smile. So I agreed, and he pulled me on top of him for one last long
french kiss before I got up to go. I left him looking dreamy and
satisfied, draped over his bed, his slim body looking as fine as ever.
Who needed to walk? I could float home at this point.
I got home and opened the front door, I figured it couldn't be all that
bad, I just forgot, that's all. He'll forgive me, he's a dad, he kinda
has to. I closed the door, but by the time I had turned around, I had a
pair of strong arms gripping me aggressively above the elbows. I looked
up to see my dad's face, flushed red, eyes full of anger, and he yelled
out "Where the FUCK have you been???"
"What? I was out with some friends, I just forgot today!" I said, but he
wasn't buying it, not one bit. His grip got tighter, and I could feel it
cutting off the circulation in my arms. Pain and fear became equally
strong in me and I panicked, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. "What
are you doing? You're hurting me!"
"You little brat! What did I tell you, huh? You know, I came home to see
you, and you WILL spend time with me this week! Do you understand?" He
shouted. How did I go from beauty and joy to crash and burn so quickly?
He shook me and asked again, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
I didn't want to answer him, didn't want to give him the satisfaction of
knowing he had that power over me, but my tears betrayed me. He shook me
again, violently, and I answered, "YES!" He let go of me and pushed me
down on the couch.
"I came here, I put up with your lack of respect, and your nasty little
comments, but I won't stand for this, boy. Do I make myself clear?" I
nodded sadly, knowing that once again, I had lost to my father. There
was no stopping him. No way to fight him, to hurt him, to tech him a
lesson...there wasn't even a option for me to run away. I was trapped,
lost, and there was no one who could help me. Not even my mother, who
had seen the whole thing and was now rushing over to see if I was
alright.
"Randall...he's just a boy. Let him go out with his friends, you can't
force him, you know." She said, hugging me. But I knew it was in vain.
My father had made up his mind and that was that. What was worse, I knew
how he was, and I found no safety in my mother's arms. He'd push her
down too, and there's nothing anybody could ever do about it. I thought
all of this shit would have ended when I was eleven years old, but it
hasn't. I thought the scars would heal if I covered them up, if I could
just ignore them, just bury them deep enough insie, they'd go away. They
haven't. Then the next words out of my dad's mouth were, "I'm gonna pick
you up after school tomorrow, and you had better be there you little son
of a bitch or it's your ass!" I had planned to spend the day with Ryan,
to lay naked in his arms for hours on end and kiss and cuddle until the
sun set and I had to come home...I guess that was all over with. The
faster my dad was out of the picture, the faster I can get my life back
to normal. So I nodded my head, hot tears streaming down my face, and I
sold my soul to the devil by saying I'd be there. My dad stormed out and
warned me again not to disappoint him, and he left. My mother and I sat
on that couch, still too scared to get up, still too scared to even
speak even. My father had a way of making a lasting impression when he
left a room. Even though he was gone and had left the house, it felt
like he could just jump out of the shadows at any minute, like he would
hear any bad words spoken about him and would have no trouble teaching
us both a lesson. My mother, after trying to soothe me and stop me from
crying, finally got up and walked me back to my room. Then she
apologized. APOLOGIZED! Like it was her fault! And she closed the door
to my room, and I was left alone in silence. It looks like I'd be
spending time with dear old dad afterall. I'd have to cancel my plans
with Ryan, make him feel bad, make MYSELF feel bad, and miss out on
another golden opportunity to experience love to it's fullest. All to
please a man who's idea of quality time was drinking beer and causing
his family to quake in terror before him. Fine...I'll do it, I'll give
in and sacrifice my day, go to school, let him pick me up and do
whatever he tells me. I'll be a good little robot and do what I'm told
for once.
Or......will I?
---------------------------------------------------------------
There it is! The 20th chapter of "New Kid In School" (Which was
originally going to be a lot longer, but I figured you guys had waited
long enough!). Like I said, I REALLY hope you guys liked it and weren't
too dissappointed. Like I said, there's more to come, I just saved it
for the next chapter. Hehehe, the perfectionist in me you know. As a
side note, I want to use this chapter to thank all of the amazing people
who were there for me while I was away. Their heartfelt words, their
encouragement, and their incredible compassion is what made me keep up
the struggle, and I dedicate this chapter to all of my net friends and
my 'family' at The Shack. And a big hug to my bud Chris ("My High School
Years") for the help while I was down. And the note on his story notes.
Love ya man! Thank you, and know that I love you all.