Steve Jobs was indeed a hero, and was a remarkable and multifaceted man. But when I hear people say, “There’s nothing he didn’t do,” I have to take issue with that. For nobody can do everything. Let’s stay grounded in that fact. Here, for your edification, is a list of

THINGS STEVE JOBS DID NOT DO

Break world record for consuming most corn-dogs in a single weekend

Give college commencement address while wearing a shaving cream bikini.

Go big game hunting at the San Diego Zoo

Invent the Printing Press. (That was Johannes Gutenberg in 1439)

Soil his spacesuit upon reentry.

Winter in Manitoba, Canada in a pretzel log cabin

Play cello in pit orchestra for the off Broadway run of stage adaptation of Caligula

Assemble 3000 piece puzzle depicting the Cheyenne, Wyoming skyline using only the light from a single book of matches

Lobby Congress to have McDonald’s Mayor McCheese depicted on a US postage Stamp.

When i thought about it, i realized that here are all sorts of epiphanies and, I think, they all deserve names of their own.

STRIPIPHANY: Realization you come to when you’re naked GYPIHPANY: When you suddenly realize that someone ripped you off. DRIPIPHANY: The startled feeling you get when you get hit by something wet. ZIPIPHANY: When you suddenly notice that your fly is down TRIPIPHANY: A vivid insight you gain while under the influence of LSD but will never remember again. LIPIPHANY: When you note that “Hey, this person is NOT a good kisser.” TIPIPHANY: Suddenly catching a glimpse of a guy in the locker room who’s uncircumcisedWHIPIPHANY: Realization that your friends all think you’re a wuss for spending too much time with your girlfriend. SNIPIPHANY: Realization upon returning from the barber that you got an awful haircut EJIFFANY: When you taste real peanut butter, the healthy kind, and realize you only like the tasty bad for you kind. SLIPIPHANY: When you notice that you’ve stepped on a patch of ice and are about to land on your ass VIP-IPHANY: Feeling of inadequacy when you are at a club and you notice that there’s a roped off section for special people where you are not welcome. EPIPHIPIPHANY: Realization that you just had an epiphany

Okay, so Osama Bin Laden is dead I hear. Great. “Burn in Hell,” it said beside his picture on the cover of The New York Daily News. We’re all spewing hatred for him, but it’s not reviving any lost loved ones. And he can’t hear us. But what I really want to know is – Why the heck did they dump him in the ocean? What we should be doing right now is putting Bin Laden’s corpse to work for us. By my estimation he could get the United States on the road to effective resolution of our economic woes.

If there’s one faction in our country and the world that stands to encompass the better part of the population it would probably be the group – People who hate terrorists. Now we’ve got our mitts on the most storied terrorist in history. Let’s earn some revenue off of it and get our economy back on track.

A buck apiece to pee on him. 50 cents to spit. Or for 100 dollars you can jab at him once with an ice pic. And then let’s repurpose him into carnival amusement games and open it up to the public. Tater him with darts. Windup and peg him in the face with a baseball, Shoot flaming gasoline into his mouth. Swing the wooden mallet over your head and wallop him in his atrophying nuts.

Finally, we should sell tickets to fill the largest outdoor sports venue in the world where everyone can watch as we toss his lifeless body into a cage with the world’s biggest, loneliest, horniest, well-hung gorilla who just watched 20 hours of porn online, and let him have at it until there’s nothing left of him to hate.

I bet most everyone would participate and Osama Bin Laden will have helped solve the fiscal problems of the pig dog Americans and single-handedly make the US great again. You can bet that that would really burn his ass. So, Hey! US Special Forces Guys, on your way home fish the scumbag out of the Arabian Sea. We’re not finished with him yet.