But you’re missing the silver lining. Most of you are incredibly unattractive. Truly. On the whole, y’all have no idea how unattractive you are. And since you’re not attracted to men yourselves and you’re too hung up on being labeled gay to even entertain the notion that another dude might be handsome, you simply have no idea what an attractive man might look like. And trust me, an attractive man is not you. I can not tell you the number of times I’ve been in a locker room with a guy taking off his clothes and thought to myself, “Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy, cover up. With a towel. Or a sheet. A tarp. Whatever. Just cover. that. shit. up.” I look away as quickly as possible, vigorously shaking my head from side to side in an attempt to etch-e-sketch away the frightful image. But I can’t. I can’t unsee it. I’ll never be able to unsee it. I don’t believe in ex-gay therapy, but some of y’all have made me wonder what exactly I’m attracted to in the first place.

Let me tell ya, the guy at the gym who applies his hemorrhoid creme while standing at the sink? Not attracted to him. The guy who wanders around with open sores? Yeah, not so much attracted to him either. The guy with the yellow snaggleteeth? Please. The guy who bathes in deodorant, then Axe, then cologne? Nope. Really, really not attracted to any of them.

This applies to roughly 95% of you.

Oh, no!!!!! What about the other 5%?????????

Yeah, we think you’re hot. We’re maybe even thinking sexual thoughts about you. And that’s that. Just so you know, before you freak out at this revelation ~ we’ve been there, in every single locker room you’ve ever been in, all the way back to grade school. God only knows how many gay guys have seen your dick. Probably hundreds. Thousands. And guess what? You never knew. Ya wanna know why? Because we conducted ourselves in a decent, respectful manner. Your idea that we can’t control ourselves really says more about how you imagine you might behave in a room full of naked women than it does about our behavior in a locker room. If you think you’d be unable to control yourself, that makes you a rapist and perhaps you should seek counseling to address your self-control issues.

And really, in a world where children are being shot in record numbers, in an economy where so many are out of work, in this complex and complicated world that we’re all currently living in, if some gay guy being attracted to you is your worst problem, then consider yourself lucky, because the rest of us have real problems to deal with.