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I am DONE being a passive consumer

I used to complain about being bored ALL THE TIME. Lost myself in video games and tv shows. Didn’t want to leave my room. Used to feel paranoid and threatened by EVERYTHING. Felt like people around me hated me. Felt like every phone call was the scariest thing ever. Never returned calls. Could not talk to any strangers, let alone girls. Feel shitty when I looked at myself in the mirror during haircuts. Soggy eyes and Manboobs.

Nothing was ever my fault. The education system sucks. People are assholes. Girls only care about themselves. Everybody is selfish. Humans are corrupt and everything is a zero sum game.

Now:

Now I can’t even watch a single episode without feeling like something’s off. Don’t need my laptop to keep me hooked.

I am DONE being a passive consumer. There’s something inside me that wants to create. To create music, perform stand-up comedy, write articles and poetry, work out. I NEED to ACTIVELY engage with the world. I want to start a band. I want six pack abs. And I want to spread my love. Earlier I used to derive pleasure from exclusion, from bragging about thing I had that others DIDN’T. Now I want to share my success and help people and take them on my journey towards progress. I am not afraid of being myself, I don’t need alcohol or drugs. I’m high on love and music and exercise.

I try to help people and understand them. I speak my mind, have a strong sense of conviction, I have strong feelings. But I never put others down to stroke my own ego.

And now I’ve decided to start volunteering with an NGO to educate underprivileged kids. I live in India and I know I can do so much for my community. I know we have a deeper sense of purpose in this world.

Please keep moving forward in this journey. There are others who need our help, our energy and vitality. Life has been a lot easier on us than we think.

You build the resilience over time. Whenever I feel horny I go for a run, or create music. Ideally you don’t want to relapse, but it’s fine if you do. Just pick yourself up and keep at it.

I was always a bright kid, but lived in a conservative society so it was hard for me to have sexual relationships with the women around me. SO the easiest choice, much like everybody around me, was porn. It was just so easy. Few clicks and I had everthing I needed in life. But I started feeling super depressed over time, didn’t feel like waking up and so on.. and I figured the ONLY abnormal habit I had was porn and masturbation. I noticed my excitement in life decline, especially after fapping. Started watching videos on YouTube about this, TED talks on porn, BlackWhiteGuyInAmerica, and so on.. and eventually realised I HAD to bring about this change.

I started making music when I experienced heartbreak for the first time. Started feeling super strong emotions for the , a feeling of longing, restlessness. I started writing articles, that evolved to poetry, that evolved to songs. They suck to be honest, but I was really surprised I wanted to compose songs.. an aspect of myself I never knew existed till I experienced strong feelings for another human. SO for me it’s an outlet to express my emotions. I slowly started putting myself in situations that demanded courage..to overcome social anxiety, I started doing open-mics(stand-up comedy in front of strangers). . it was terrifying the first time, but I got used to it. Started talking to people around me with the intention of helping them and trying to understand them and turns out EVERYBODY has some insecurity or the other. We are all in this together.