It was recently not brought to my attention that the world needs to know what random thoughts are running though my brain. I've taken the liberty of doing that anyway. If nothing else, I intend to show the world what a tremendous windbag I really am.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Below, you will find a list of thing I am not afraid of, but would be if I were a cat. I'm going to count them down in order of fear. I'm sure you'll find this list to be very enlightening. It should also give you some good insight to the current state of my mind.

7. Escalators.- This is definitely a cat fear. However, it isn't something they are likely to encounter very often unless they either live in a super fancy house, or are one of those creepy cats that is led around on a leash by its equally creepy owner.

6. The Ocean.- Ever see a sail boat crew made up entirely of cats? Yeah, I didn't think so.

5. Kids Dribbling Basketballs.- How many times have you seen a pack of cats minding their own business on the basketball courts at the park only to have a group of kids ruin an otherwise nice day of BBQ-ing (Blacktop-Basketball-Qourt-loungING*) by dribbling their basketballs all over the court? Worse yet, the kids don't even play basketball. They just mumble some nonsense about working on dribbling fundamentals.

4. Radio-Controlled, Cat-Catching Robots.- Pretty self explanatory.

3. Cat Leukemia.- Who among us doesn't fear cancer? Cats are no different.

2. Ensemble Casts.- to be fair, this high ranking comes from a decades old misunderstanding that cats have of the word "casts." When said quickly, as this phrase often is, cats don't hear the word "casts," they hear the word "cats." For whatever reason, cats tend to imagine a Voltron like creature comprised of several cats joining together as one, immensely powerful cat. This is something cats find utterly terrifying.

1. The Number 10.- Turns out, most cats we interviewed were already on their 9th life. 10 is considered to be the most unlucky number world wide by cats of all types. In Colombia, the drug cartel cats mark the houses of those they intend to kill with a red 10. In the state of Texas, a cat motorcycle gang known as "The Death Tabbies," show their loyalty by getting the number 10 tattooed on their foreheads. Kittens are taught to fear the number 10 from birth by having their mothers follow every ninth cleaning lick with a hard bite to the ear. It's harsh, but effective.

Well, that about wraps it up. Just to clarify, I am not, nor have I ever been, afraid of any of the aforementioned things.

Ok, bye.

*Cats are notoriously bad spellers and even worse at coming up with good acronyms.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

There seems to be some serious confusion regarding my wearing all pink as a terrible idea. I was not merely suggesting that I wear a pink shirt. I said ALL pink. That means pink shoes, pink socks, pink pants, pink underwear, pink shirt, pink gloves, pink hat, pink cape, pink spats, pink glasses, pink face paint, pink tie and a pink pinky ring. All pink. What say you now?

Just a pink shirt is easy. I've done that before. One comment references an outfit I wore every Monday night for over a year. See below.

As you can plainly see, whether the shirt itself proclaims its own toughness or not is irrelevant. I wear it tough, and that's all that should matter. The name of our bowling team was "Bowling With Scissors." If that isn't the very definition of dangerously tough bowlers, I don't know what is.

I hope that helps clarify thing for you. Trust me, all pink is a terrible idea. Me dressed as pictured above is tough.

Monday, March 16, 2009

For me, life is a constant struggle not to make terrible decisions created by my own terrible ideas. Here are some examples from today:

Terrible Idea: Wear all pink today.

Terrible Decision: Averted. I ended up not wearing any pink today, but that decision really had nothing to do with my own common sense and almost everything to do with not having a single pink item of clothing in my wardrobe.

Terrible Idea: Remind all of the Cubs fans I work with that I'm a Dodgers fan and we totally destroyed them in the playoffs last year.

Terrible Decision: Averted (Temporarily). It's way too close to St. Patrick's Day to be tossing that kind of smack talk around. I'm pretty dumb, but even I know better than to remind Cubbie fans just how cursed their team is. I'll wait until September to do that.

Terrible Idea: Try to post more often.

Terrible Decision: The jury is out.

Terrible Idea: Make shirts that say, "Punch me, in the face, I'm a jerk."

Terrible Decision: See below.

As you can see, I went ahead and followed through with this one. I see these more as a gift you would give to someone else rather than something you would buy for yourself. Most likely, these will be given to illiterate people that you don't like. I'm not really sure there's a market for this, but that obviously didn't stop me. I added the commas for a little extra emphasis on the overall statement I want these shirts to make. I'd like to encourage everyone to click on the shirt, buy several dozen (they're cheaper when you buy in bulk, and lets face it, you're probably going to want to hand these out to a lot of people. Am I right?), tell all of your friends, and let's get to face-punching jerks ASAP.

Not that any of you were wondering, but the Government has yet to purchase a single shirt regarding the bailout. I'm pretty shocked by this. I only mention it because I don't want anyone to get upset that they haven't yet received their official 2009 Bailout T-Shirt.