62: Till Death Do Us Part

These phrases are usually associated with death in certain video games. When your character’s health drops to 0 HP or if your team takes too long to respond, you “die”. Then you’ll have to start over again or wait for several seconds before you respawn.

Now, if only the same could be applied to real life, then life would be so much easier. If there’s something you messed up with, you can easily start over again. Stuff like that.

But then again, that’s only wishful thinking. You can’t jump off a building and wake up in your bed as if nothing happened. You can’t start over if you did something regretful. Life doesn’t have a save state, load state. It has no return, back, retreat. This big, painful, annoying, challenging vestibule called Life only has one bloody gear: forward.

So if you die, game over. The end. Finish. Wasted. Slain. Whetever damn word you can associate with being gone forever. But at least in death… there is bliss. Nothingness. Emptiness. No pain, no suffering, no annoying 8th grade asking you for your debt, no teacher for you to hide from, no Mondays for you to wake up to, no bastard friend slapping you around like a rag doll, no bloody classmates to put up with, no goddamn requirements to make, no braces that prick your cheeks, no little sister bugging you while you eat dinner, no fed enemies dragging you down to Bronze V, no Mathematics to deal with, no practices to attend to, no damn people that spreads stuff about you, no parents to tell you what to do, no friends to criticize you and judge you, no rallies for you to get annoyed at, no relationships to think about, no students to laugh at you if your dress like Ash or run like a ninja, no nothing. Just… oblivion. Peace. An eternity of it.

So young, yet I’m already beyond fed up with life. I used to think that it takes a lot to make me give up. Well, either I was faking it, or life already threw a hell lot at me. Right now… there is literally nothing for me to hang on to. Everything that I cared for, hung on to just… slipped away. Disappeared. Crumbled to dust. The only thing that keeps me on my feet… actually, there’s nothing. I can just give up any time I want. No more regrets that might hold me back like last time.

Sure, people will grieve. They might cry. Croc tears, from a lot. Miss me, maybe a few months. A year if I’m lucky. People will be sad and stuff. They might remember their memories with me. They might say sorry to a coffin for stuff they did.

But after that… forgotten. A memory, carelessly tossed aside. You can always find a new best friend. There’s a lot of better men out there for you to love. You still have two more children. Zandr’s gonna become B7 just like that. There’s like, three hundred more students that will graduate. No sweat from losing a single, useless student. Then… boom.

“Joshua? Oh… he died a year ago. Anyway, remember that thing I told you…”

“Uh… Inopiquez? Ah, right. He used to be my classmate. Oh, speaking of classmates, isn’t this girl…”

I wonder how many other conversations like this will spawn if I pushed through with this.

And don’t get me started with that “people still love you, you still have a bright future, blah blah blah”. Bright future? Where? I don’t see it. And even if there was, so what? Will my death signal the end of human race? No, it’s just one less meteorologist in the world. And love? *scoffs* I can’t even put into words what I’m feeling right now, even with my expansive vocabulary. Rage? Frustration? Pain? Those are the closest I can describe them.

Here’s a parting message: if I do depart from this hellhole, do me a favor and don’t cry for me. I’m not someone worth crying to. You should have done that while I was still alive. And it’s already far too late. Your tears don’t have the breath of life.