Not a Curse…

I heard from a friend today. One who I greatly admire and who has many gifts. But as the conversation went on, she named one of those things that I see as a gift in her, but she referred to it as a curse. As something that brings her pain. I was shocked, but I couldn’t help but identify with her. How many times in my life have I looked at myself and called a blessing a curse?

From as young as I can remember, I’ve been what some would call “sensitive.” Granddaddy called me “delicate.” And over the years, I’ve watched the world around me and ached for it. I watched friends get neglected and I’ve tried to make up for that by caring for them more. I’ve watched people get abused and I’ve tried to heal them with my love. I’ve watched people I love battle addictions and I’ve struggled with how to help them in a way that doesn’t enable them.

To put it simply: I’ve cared too much.

I don’t know how to love a person in half measures. I don’t know how to care without putting all of myself into it. As many times as I’ve been abused and misused and as many times as my trust has been broken, I don’t know how to do anything less than love hard. I see the best in people and more times than not, it gets me kicked in the teeth.

Recently, my life took a sharp left-hand turn. I stepped out of my insulated world into icy, cold reality. God gave me new friends who were unlike anybody I’d ever known, but I still fell in love with them. And now, with them, I am facing things I’ve never faced before. And I find myself caring more than I’ve ever cared. And some days, I cry out to God and say, “Lord, this hurts SO much! Why do I CARE like this?!” And on those days, I’m tempted to feel like my sensitivity and my loving is a curse.

But God said to me, “But Sarah, this is my favorite thing about you. I gave this to you. It’s a gift. It’s a piece of Me inside of you. Your emotions are a reflection of Mine. And your love is a reflection of Mine. You are My hands and My feet and My heart in the world. So, don’t curse this thing I’ve given to you. Keep loving with all of your might!”

Being who I am is a hard thing. But it’s not a curse. It’s a blessing. The late, great Rufus Moseley said, “Be who ya is. Don’t be who ya ain’t. ‘Cause if ya ain’t who ya is, then ya is who ya ain’t.”

Another struggle I’ve had lately is being who I am, where I am. And my friend, Eliza, spoke to that. She says, “It’s okay to be where you are—as long as you don’t stay there.”

Whoever you are today… Wherever you are today… You’re okay. Be who God created you to be and embrace it. And it’s okay to be where you are—as long as you don’t stay there.

Comments

I think I can relate. My late daddy was always worried about my being too soft hearted. When he died, I tried to change that, to fight it, so that he wouldn’t have to spend his heaven worrying about me. Then one day, it dawned on me, that no matter how much it worried him, it was still what he loved most about me. I also realized that in the Bible, it says that to whom much is given, much will be expected. I have been given much love: my real task is to love MORE, not less.

Understand my sister.. been “kicked in the teeth” many times.. But.. we have to keep on loving no matter what. And thats what you do Sista Sarah.. And just as you said… or my interpretation is that is the way the Good Lord Made You.
Love ya.

I definitely identify with what you’re saying, Sarah. I feel that way many times, but probably most in pastoring. I look at the different prominent leaders I see and think “I’m not like that” until I’m reminded again that God designed me and called me and equipped me and anointed me. That’s what I have to rely on. Great post. Thanks.

When I was 13 years old, I stumbled across my friend, Corie, writing a letter. When I asked Corie what she was doing, she responded, “Writing a letter to Daddy God.” Those six words changed my life. And ever since, no matter where life has taken me, I’ve had a journal within arm’s reach. In March of 2009, I began to share my thoughts and lessons and prayers with you. And so, here we are. By day, I’m an administrative assistant, freelance writer and editor. I blog here at Living Between the Lines, while simultaneously living outside lines. I’m originally from the Crystal Coast of North Carolina. Today, I happily make my home in the suburbs of Portland, Oregon. Join me between the lines. You’re welcome and safe within them.