The Catholic Church has been a little down on its luck recently, what with the abuse scandals and the Pope running out of people to confer favor on, to the point where he has to resort to blessing breakdancers. What they need is something that will not only refill their depleted coffers, but also enable them to earn the goodwill of people across the world like they did during the crusades.

That's why I think they should found What Would Atkins Do, Incorporated.

Here's how it works. The church opens a series of bakeries across the nation, selling all varieties of grain products: bread, muffins, pasta, you name it. Each outlet also employs a deacon, who sanctifies everything before its shipped to locals stores. It would be sort of like the kosher food deal, but, you know, Christier.

And voila: moneymaker! The 96% of the American population currently on the Atkins diet could enjoy all those baked goods they've had to forego, without having to worry about meddlesome carbs. Thanks to the (literal!) miracle of transubstantiation, those WWAD cinnamon rolls and bagels will turn into the (literal!) body of Christ after consumption, thereby converting a carbohydrate-laden doughnut into a the relatively carb-free hunk of Messiah. Dieters get to eat bread again and stave off eternal damnation, all at the same time -- it's win-win!

If WWAD, Inc. is successful (how could it not be?), they could even branch out by opening vineyards and launching a line of sanctified wine for vampires.

Could I manage the Amstedam branch?
We do have a few Christians left, you see.
After most Jews were deported some 60 years ago
and within a decade from now the muslims
will have the upperhand.

@Pastry Lover: Yes, the word is "doughnut". In English.
In American English it's "Donut". Compare with
"colour" and "color".
If you ever have the chance to lay your hands on an English dictionary, please don't hesitate to have a glance. You may find it worth it.
English may not be my native toungue but I have this thing with languages: they should be used in a proper manner.

Loved the piece. My glee was only slightly diminished by the vampire line. I think alcoholics would have been a better analogy. Vampires *want* blood, where as carb-deprived Atkins dieters want the bread, not the body of Christ. See, alcoholics could get all the pleasure of drinking alcohol, but none of the guilt because it's not REALLY alcohol (despite all earthly measurements to the contrary); it is (literally!) the blood of Christ. There. Now it's a perfect joke.

Posted by: Anonymous on August 10, 2004 2:35 PM

Bwaahaahaa, that logo is the best. Thanks for the laughs. What about leaking to the press that Jesus himself ate low-carb brain made strictly from grains?