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Topic: Rude to sleep in car? (Read 66228 times)

I don't think it matters what we think, what matters is the driver who is giving you a ride doesn't like you sleeping in his vehicle and the other passengers agree with him. That's what you have to work with. I think you should either try to stay awake or don't accept rides anymore.

Fair enough, but how?

It sounds like in the OP there is great pressure from this person to do all the driving and he will be very upset if someone interferes with this by taking his or her own way.

No, you're still not obligated to ride with him, no matter how much of a fit he will throw. His fit is his problem in that case. But what is a good way of turning down what is otherwise a generous offer, over something that not everyone sees as a hill to die on? The impression could be given that the OP is rejecting a ride just for no good reason and it could be taken personally. Again, not the OP's problem, objectively speaking, but there have got to be better and worse ways to do this.

The op could enlist someone to speak with her during the ride home, she could drive on her own (or ask someone to drive with her), she could nap before/drink a soda/energy drink during or after the hike, sit in a seat where she could roll down a window, keep the AC on her, etc.

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I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

I think if she wanted to drive herself, all she'd have to do is say, "Friend, I'm not sure riding with you to the hike is working well for you and me. I seem to be making you uncomfortable when I fall asleep, and I may not be able to completely avoid it. Maybe it would be better for me to drive myself and then you wouldn't have to worry about whether I was asleep or awake?" And he could either say, "I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about that, if you ride with me, I won't wake you up again" or "You know, I think that might be for the best. So let's meet up at Rock Ridge at 9am and don't forget your hiking shoes!" Even if he does say "Oh, ride with me, you just have to stay awake this time" you can reply with, "I'm sorry, but I don't think that's going to work. If you're not going to be okay with the possibility of me dozing off, it's better if I drive myself."

It's up to the driving friend to behave politely too, and if he's going to get upset when offered a polite, considerate choice, that's his failing not the OP's. She only gets to decide her actions, she cannot control his response to them or his feelings about them. But I don't see any option that allows her to sleep in the car, against the wishes of her friends and the driver, whatever their reasons are. If the groups sees the time in transit as part of the outing, and the offer of the ride is conditional on the riders staying awake, it's up to the OP to either find a way to stay awake, or arrange her own travel separately.

Well, the OP would certainly have to stay awake if she were to drive herself, so it would seem the lesser of the evils to not nap while her friend drives. Being alert enough to make an occaisional remark, and being alert enough to drive are two different things, you know?

What's boggling me is all this over a 1-2 hour trip. And also it sounds just the tiniest bit SS-y to say 'well I'm tired after my long day hiking' when every other person she's with, including the driver, has just had the same long day. Maybe the answer is to find a different group to hike with, either one that shares her need to nap, so they can take turns, or hike closer to home, so this isn't an issue.

True, but if she were driving herself, she could choose to leave before she got too tired to drive home, or she could take a short nap in her own car or somewhere else nearby. She'd have more options available to her, even if they might not be the easiest or most convenient for her. If she's got to nap, then she's got to nap, but it doesn't have to be in a car full of people with a driver who is apparently uncomfortable with it. Maybe a different hiking group, or a different activity with the group of friends is the best way to go.

BettyDraper

What if the driver wanted to control what people ate? "No granola bar for you, I don't care what the state of your blood sugar is, no eating in this vehicle and no stopping till we're home!"

Or when they used the restroom. "I can hold it all the way home and so will you, because it's my car, my rules!"

I find it equally control-freaky to even care whether or not a passenger dozes off. Dog in the manger, much?

Further, what sort of insecure group-think juvenile needs everyone to be experiencing the exact same thing at all moments? How petty-minded do you have to be to want to force a person to endure something uncomfortable -- a sleepless ride, in the OP's case, where she has to employ various artificial tactics to stay awake. If he can't stay alert enough without the stimulation of other passengers he has no business being behind a wheel, let alone driving a carload of other people. And if his mind is so vacant that an hour or two of contemplation as he drives while others sleep is such a deprivation -- well, what's the attraction in the first place? Sounds like a nasty piece of work all the way around.

Personally I'd learn my lesson and never again accept a ride from this boor. As to the questions about how to politely decline the ride, that's easy. The next time a hike is planned and Boor says "Everyone report to the IKEA parking lot at 7 a.m. sharp" the OP merely has to reply "And I'll meet you all up on the mountain at 9 a.m.; see you there!" She need not answer further questions about why she's choosing to ride alone, just "That works better for me. And say, have you seen the weather forecast yet?"

What if the driver wanted to control what people ate? "No granola bar for you, I don't care what the state of your blood sugar is, no eating in this vehicle and no stopping till we're home!"

I actually know many people who don't allow food to be eaten in their car. Now, I'm sure if there was an actual medical emergency, they would make an exception. And while I agree it may be controlling, that's their right to make that rule, and I don't think it's really all that unreasonable.

I agree with the PPs that if the OP knows that this is an issue, it's been brought up several times, it's best to just not go with him. It doesn't seem worth the hassle to me.

It sounds like in the OP there is great pressure from this person to do all the driving and he will be very upset if someone interferes with this by taking his or her own way.

Where does that come from? The OP says:

Quote

One of the guys in the group took it upon himself to drive us all to and from the hiking spots, and he has a large vehicle that can accommodate most of us. He was perfectly fine with this arrangement, and it was always his idea to be the driver.

"He was perfectly fine with this arrangement" and "it was his idea" doesn't equate remotely to "great pressure" and "very upset" to me. It sounds like he just has the best car for it and doesn't mind, so he offers. OP has never said that someone else so much as offered once to drive and he declined, just that he's "fine" with it.

Further, what sort of insecure group-think juvenile needs everyone to be experiencing the exact same thing at all moments? How petty-minded do you have to be to want to force a person to endure something uncomfortable -- a sleepless ride, in the OP's case, where she has to employ various artificial tactics to stay awake. If he can't stay alert enough without the stimulation of other passengers he has no business being behind a wheel, let alone driving a carload of other people. And if his mind is so vacant that an hour or two of contemplation as he drives while others sleep is such a deprivation -- well, what's the attraction in the first place? Sounds like a nasty piece of work all the way around.

Your entire post was a bit harsh, especially considering that many people in this thread have said they'd do the same thing and given reasons for it. It's not a question of "everyone needs to do the same thing at the same moment" so much as some people may have trouble staying awake when others fall asleep, or people feel awkward or even unimportant if they're trying to socialize (even if it's low-key, end-of-activity socializing) and one person is constantly falling asleep. How would you feel if you had people over to your house and one person kept falling asleep in the middle of the living room? Not once, but many, many times? It's perfectly fine to be okay with people sleeping in the car, but also fine not to be. The group feels one way, the OP feels the other. It's therefore the OP's job to find another solution, whether it's staying awake in the car or finding another means of transportation.

I'm still trying to figure out how the driver alone is a controlling boor when the entire group agreed with him that it was inappropriate to be falling asleep during the outing?

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BettyDraper

Then they all are controlling boors. Whose need for attention and group-think need to "feel important" apparently is so great they begrudge one of their members a nap that quite frankly doesn't deprive them of anything. Are there really people out there who would prefer that a companion force herself to stay awake at their bidding? Some friends.

I do agree that the OP's best course of action is to find a more simpatico circle. And again, any driver who can't stay awake without external stimulation should pull over and hand someone else the keys.

Then they all are controlling boors. Whose need for attention and group-think need to "feel important" apparently is so great they begrudge one of their members a nap that quite frankly doesn't deprive them of anything. Are there really people out there who would prefer that a companion force herself to stay awake at their bidding? Some friends.

I do agree that the OP's best course of action is to find a more simpatico circle. And again, any driver who can't stay awake without external stimulation should pull over and hand someone else the keys.

I think calling the whole group "controlling boors" is a bit harsh just because you don't agree with their opinions. There have been many disagreements on this thread alone and many people are not okay with someone falling asleep in their cars where as some people are...does that make those who aren't okay with it controlling boors? I think not, they just have a different opinion than you. I myself might be okay with someone falling asleep in a car, but I can understand how others might not be okay with that because they feel that it changes the dynamic of the drive. Honestly, I feel that if kingsrings has been told by the group that they're not okay with it than she should comply with the group or drive herself after the hike.

Kingsrings, if you plan on driving with these people again might I suggest you wear rubber bands around your wrist and snapping them when you start to get drowsy? I used to do this in high school during math class as a way to stay awake. You might also try opening a window, loud music, engaging actively in other conversations, sitting up straight in your seat or partaking of caffeine before you leave as a way to help you stay awake.

BettyDraper

Kingsrings, if you plan on driving with these people again might I suggest you wear rubber bands around your wrist and snapping them when you start to get drowsy? I used to do this in high school during math class as a way to stay awake. You might also try opening a window, loud music, engaging actively in other conversations, sitting up straight in your seat or partaking of caffeine before you leave as a way to help you stay awake.

It's not their opinion, it's their outward manifestation of it I don't agree with. If Aunt Martha dozes off in her chair after Thanksgiving dinner, when others are socializing, does everyone stab her with a pumpkin-pie fork and say "Aunt M, you are so rude not to pay attention to us! The event is not over yet!" If not, how does the car ride after a day of hiking differ? And again, what other bodily functions does the owner of the vehicle control?

Is that really what a caring friend would ask? Snap yourself with pain, chug caffeine and otherwise stimulate yourself just so that you can pay attention to meeee on a one- or two-hour drive home? Or, I'll hit the brakes to jolt you awake (a reckless, petty-minded and juvenile move by a driver if ever there was one) if you aren't providing the demanded audience for meeee.

In my circles, if a person were dozing off, their seatmate would probably say "Here, roll up my jacket and use it as a pillow; want me to ask Boor to turn the radio down?" Not "inflict pain on yourself so that you can provide an audience for our antics."

BettyDraper, what about those who say that they can't have people sleeping in the car because it makes them sleepy? Are they "boors" with control issues as well?

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