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Friday, October 26, 2012

Slashers & Surviving Them

It's the last weekend before Halloween, but there's still plenty of time to overdose on candy corn and watch a few classic boogeyman (or woman, as we'll see) movies. But, before you get that popcorn popping, here are a few tips on how to survive. You know, if ever in a Jamie Lee situation of your own.

HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE

1. There are places that should be considered off-limits, always. Even in daylight, avoid them. Barns, basements, the garage, warehouses, the woods, the highway beside the woods, and through the woods to summer camp. And if you do happen to find yourself in the woods (dummy), you absolutely must avoid any structures you come across in there. No, that old shack is not the best place to wait it out.

2. Learn to not trust anyone, especially your neighbors or that popular kid at school. It's every man for himself in a horror flick, and you'll live another day by not forming a group or a team.

3. Everyone knows this rule, mostly because it's one of the more important ones. I 'll run over it briefly. No sex or canoodling of any kind. I actually wrote an entire English paper in college on the themes of sexuality in horror genre, the two are oil and water. Best to avoid.

4. This one goes hand in hand with the above- no drugs or alcohol, ever.

5. Go ahead and assume every urban legend is true and really did happen to that friend of a friend's friend down the street that one time (the only exception to rule #2). It did take place and it will probably come to be again, so make like a ninja and get ready. I will say when it comes to any legend or folklore or ghost story, this is the one instance in your survival guide where you need to throw common sense out and believe what you hear.

6. Try using the phrase "I will not be right back". Maybe reverse psychology works on boogeymen? I've not seen this one tried, so maybe take this as more advisory commentary than rule of law.

7. ALWAYS assume the absolute worst. When the lights suddenly go out, or your phone is ringing off the hook, or the tv suddenly pops on white noise static, it's best to assume that no one is playing a trick on you. Don't call out for your roommate or boyfriend, because they've likely already broken one of the above rules and are out of luck. It's best to react in a very Samuel L. Jackson way with some sort of "oh hell no" comment and RUN.

8. Which brings me to the next rule. Never run up the stairs. Come on.

9. I'm just going to repeat this- NO BARNS.

10. If you haven't been able to follow any of the above rules, and do happen to confront the boogeyman, please note they have a keen ability to play dead. You'd be best served taking a tip from our friends at The Walking Dead. Decapitation is mandatory. And whatever you do, do NOT bury the body with the head. They can make like a lizard and grow back together.

11. Aside from Freddy-like villains, boogeymen are really predictable creatures. Annoyingly so, but you can use this to your advantage. They are often times slow moving, so use your speed and agility to run like the wind (preferably not into the woods, up the stairs, or into a barn). They are almost always emotionless, so don't try and reason with or talk to one. And, they use weapons that can only be used in hand-to-hand combat. Knives, chainsaws, ropes and the like can't inflict much pain if you do the above and RUN. Seriously, Jason has never reached for his 22, and Michael Meyers isn't packing any heat either.

12. Boogeywomen, on the other hand, are not as predictable. I don't have any great suggestions on how to deal with the Carries and Samaras. If you hear any talk of these ladies in your town, rule # 5 tells you to believe it, and rule #12 should be to go ahead and book your flight to the Bahamas until the coast is clear. (But not during the off-season, and don't go by yourself, because you may have an I Still Know What You Did Last Summer situation on your hands).

13. Summon your inner-slayer, if you have time, and train your butt off. Buffy wasn't just born with those mad skills. She trained tirelessly, setting aside cheerleading and popularity to rid the world of vamps. The Hellmouth and Sunnydale are forever grateful. So get to the gym, now (but not an abandoned gym after hours, and don't take up water aerobics as your get-fit strategy- see Swimfan, The Faculty, Jennifer's Body).

14. Avoid social events at all costs. These include high school football games, prom, trick-or-treating, and in some cases, circuses and the state fair.

15. Your house phone and cell phone are not going to work. Don't bother trying for that 911 call. Even if you do get the call through on one random bar of service, the operator is only going to hear choppy static on the other end.

16. Don't babysit.

17. And finally, my last tip. This is the best advice on how to avoid a slasher all together. The moment you realize there's a problem, whether it be in the news or via town gossip, leave town immediately. Change your zip code and your name. Never look back or speak of it again.