SOMEWHERE IN THE AMAZON—Pastor, author, and president of the Southern Baptist Convention’s International Mission Board David Platt took off into

In one harrowing encounter, a gospel-preaching Platt reportedly took “at least seven” poisoned darts to the face and calmly continued his message for over 30 minutes before most of his audience fled in terror.

“It’s the classic dart-to-the-face response to the gospel,” Platt said chuckling as he pulled the deadly missiles out of his skin one by one and the tribal people gaped on amazed. “I spent the last few years building up an immunity to the poison of the dart frog for just such an occasion—you never know when you’re going to need to be able to take a hailstorm of death-tipped darts to your mug and keep preaching the gospel.”

“You’ve just gotta make sure to stay focused and on message, even when spears, arrows, and rocks are flying in your direction,” he added.

Platt’s legendary status immediately began to grow throughout the local tribesmen, with one tribal chief labeling him with a name that is best translated “That Crazy White Radical Dude Who Loves Jesus And Does CrossFit.”

Sources close to Platt’s expedition also confirmed the missionary had leaped over 15-foot-wide spiked trap pits and narrowly whirled out of the way of a giant sphere hewn out of rock triggered by a booby trap, all while happily whistling “Blessed Assurance.”