Saturday, June 11, 2011

Evaluating

Last weekend el jefe and I camped beneath the stars. It was a weekend of firsts for me in so many ways. I was naked in the wilderness, but not so desolate there wasn't any other soul. I heard cars or rather trucks in the not too far distance. I was nervous, excited, and on edge given my environment.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be strapped to a tree, led around by my leash with nothing but shoes on my feet and cuffs adorning my wrists and ankles. Last weekend I found out. I also found out I enjoyed it. It brought me deeper into my submission to him, and realized that I felt completely at ease putting my trust in him in a whole new fashion.

It was also the first weekend we were truly alone to experience bdsm activities without the use of a safe word. A few weeks back I broached the subject and told him I didn't want it anymore. He thought about it, and was in agreement. With the caviat that we'd discuss the to see if either of us wanted it back at any time, to which I readily agreed. Never even having been pushed to actually use a safeword in my past, this was a huge leap for both of us. He's never been in the drivers' seat to that extent. He's called it quits on his own accord or ended when a safe word was used, either by me or in his past. It's a heavy load to carry on a dominant's shoulders, one I felt he was ready to take on. Obviously, he felt ready as well.

Knowing I didn't have a safe word never left my conscious thought. There were a few times when I was strapped to the tree and the evil flogger bruised my flesh when I thought I might have been able to use it... before, but knowing it wasn't there pushed me. I knew he would decide when and if the flogging would stop. He would decide how much I had to endure for him, and for me. The decisions were his and his alone. I was confident in my decision, I felt myself fall deeper into his control, and I reveled in it.

He then set up a seat for himself and brought me to my knees to worship him, like any good slut should. Unable to use my hands, I lavished him with all the attention I could muster, before he took over and used me how he wanted to. Now there's a definite distinction between self imposed and imposed use. It's a self fulfilling prophesy, I will gag and retch, and I will fight to pull off of him to breathe and not puke. He will pull me back down and have his way. It's not something I find I can relax with, however much I want to- and I do want to.

Again, there was no safe word, and all the aforementioned things did happen, and then some. I resisted, and he pushed, I tugged and he pulled me back. I had saliva flowing from my mouth, mucus running from my nose, tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed at my appearance, gone was the demure slut, I was pulled into the depths of a wanton whore. Every girls dream... right? Looking back on it today, yes it was, but in the moment I was embarrassed to have him see me like that. I begged for relief, for a chance to compose myself, but he was unrelenting. He was going to use me the way he wanted to, for as long as he wanted to. It didn't matter to him if I was going to puke all over him, or drool, or make a complete mess of either one of us. It was humiliating, and degrading, but never once did he make me feel incompetent or belittle my efforts. He could have been mean, could have shoved my face down in the dirt and literally made me feel as worthless as I was making myself feel, but he didn't. He proved to me that he could take all the control from me and still make me want to give more.

At one point, he pulled up on my leash and held me inches from his face and asked me if I wanted my safe word back. I don't recall if there was a second or two of hesitation, but I shook my head no, without a doubt I didn't want it back. He affirmed that I did indeed want to be his slave and resumed his use.

It was a mind blowing experience, with minimal physical restraints, I felt more helpless than ever before, and more free than I've ever been.

When he finished with me, I laid there and cried. I have a tendency to do that when he pushes me that far, but previously it's been after calling 'red'. I don't know how much more I would have endured, but it didn't matter to me. I endured what he wanted me too.

As we sat and watched the sun set over the horizon, we talked about the intensity of the situation. I don't think I could verbalize how deep I went, or how close to him I felt. It's an addicting endorphin to be that immersed and free. I want to be there again and again.

He said something that surprised me, after we finished that talk and yapped about other things...He said he had been contemplating my profile (on the mega bdsm site) and considering publicly linking me to him. Considering how private he is, I was dumbfounded. I told him I would be honored to have that attachment. He also said he's considering requesting my passwords. To what I asked. To everything he replied. I surprised myself when I shrugged and said, ok let me know.

A few years ago, the other dom (capital removed for intent) and I talked about exchanging passwords, and I flat out refused to even consider the idea. He was hurt that I wouldn't share that with him. I'm not talking about banking PIN, I'm talking the public social media, but I wouldn't. Not because I had something to hide, but it was an invasion of privacy. I could have cared less about his passwords, he had nothing of any interest to me, but there was no way in hell I was giving him mine. Oh well, was my train of thought. Deal with it.

Even though the subject never came up again, my feelings never changed. I would never give him passwords. I guess I never truly trusted him with me or anything mine.

With el jefe, it just feels right. Another step in the depths of his control.

He hasn't asked for them yet, but I'm sure he's doing his evaluating as well.

He also reads my blog over at that other site. That surprised me as well. I don't ever see his name when I look at the 'recently viewed' list. Not that I write things I wouldn't want him to see, but I honestly didn't think that he was reading. He also mentioned that he was glad I didn't join the group he belonged to, because he was sure I'd read his posts. In all honesty, I hadn't read his posts in some time. I felt it was an invasion of his privacy, but now that he's mentioned it, I will admit, I've gone and read his questions and his answers. Personally, I think most of the people in that group have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to their own self importance, but they do have interesting things to say from time to time.

One of his recent questions has to do with a topic he and I touched on during our night under the stars. One that affects me deeply, and am helpless to do much about it. I can see that it's weighing heavily on his mind as well, but we don't have answers. I'm glad he's seeking counsel from people he values.

I want that night back. There's nothing I would change, with the exception of some bug spray haha, but I want it back. I need to feel it again.

Days without him become unbearable in some ways, in most ways. How I wished he was here when I returned home yesterday. Alas, he wasn't, and it will be two more weeks before we will next see each other, maybe three.

Well, this blog is long enough. I may post again today, as I have more things on my mind.