Boyfriend bringing up my past whenever we fight

Asked Aug 30, 2009, 01:32 PM
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19 Answers

Almost every time my boyfriend and I fight he brings up my past before him. Last night we had a huge fight because I saw on his phone that he was texting his neighbour, who is a girl that I can't stand because she talks badly about me, so I asked him to stop talking to her. I won't go into detail about all that but he swears he text the wrong number and while we were fighting he was screaming at me about my past, he said something like "I was trying to text your ex boyfriend because I don't know if you talk to him still, I don't know who you text with a past like yours". He was also screaming at me in the street saying how I "F'd so many guys" in front of all these people who were coming out of their houses to watch us fight. The reason we fought was because of something he did but he manages to turn the fight against me and starts bringing up my past. He made me look like a slut in front of so many people, including his sister and her friend. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I have never cheated on him, I've never done anything to disrespect him. I have a bad past before I even met him, I was honest about it with him and I told him that I regret it. I'm always feeling guilty for it, like I did something to him. The way he treated me last night it was as if I cheated on him but I did nothing wrong. Now he's apologizing to me saying he's sorry and he doesn't mean those things but he can't help it when he's mad, I told him that he chose to stay with me knowing about my past and if he can't handle it then he had to leave because this isn't fair to me. He says he loves me and he wants to stay with me and he won't do this to me anymore, but I find it hard on myself right now to forgive him. He hurt my feelings so bad yesterday when I never deserved it. He's done this to me many times but last night was the worst. He made me look like an idiot in front of people who know me, people in my neighbourhood who I have to see almost everyday. I'm having a really hard time forgiving him for this. I made it very clear that he's not to bring up my past anymore and I won't take it the next time he does, but now where do we go from here? I'm still so mad at him for doing that to me. Any advice on how to handle the situation?

He either realizes that you have a past that has nothing to do with who you are now, or he finds someone who's past he can handle.

It seems that he's very insecure about the things you did before you met him, he has to deal with that insecurity and stop bringing it up every time you fight.

Form what you said, he can't seem to get over it, so why stay? I doubt very much that he'll keep his promise to never bring it up again.

How much does his "I'm sorry" really mean if he keeps doing it over and over again? It's like an abuser apologizing every time he hits his spouse but then days later doing it again. Sorry doesn't mean a hell of a lot if you don't learn from your mistake.

I don't blame you for being mad, I would be too. You need to decide if you're willing to put up with this because I doubt he'll change.

Good luck.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Alty's answer:

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Sounds too me your in the wrong relationship. He is abusing you in front of people, and you don't derserve that. Why even stay and invest any more time with someone who treats you like that. I would tell him to take the door. Everyone makes mistakes, and I am sure he isn't perfect either, so why throw it in your face too make you feel bad. I would start looking for someone else, who will respect you and treat you like a lady.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with sully123's answer:

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Guys or girls will do that to distract from the issue to make you look like the one that is wrong. They only do it to keep from dealing with the problem and making you the bad guy. Basically it is game playing.
They do it to intentionally hurt your feelings and shut you up.
What they don't realize is that if that is their way of dealing with problems and never letting you live down your past then you can NEVER have a healthy relationship with someone like this.
2 wrongs do not make a right.

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Thank you for your replies. I think the reason he can't handle it is because he was a virgin when he first got with me, but I was not. I've told him so many times that most girls have a sexual past, and most of them won't even be honest about it with you, at least I was honest. He says he knows that and he doesn't want any other girl. He treats me really good except for when we fight, that's when he lets it all out. Other than that he's a very good boyfriend so I don't want to throw it all away. He never used to be like this, when we used to fight he would keep things inside and he wouldn't yell at me but then he changed and now every time we fight he screams at me and my past is usually brought up too. I agree though that the "sorry's" don't mean anything if he's not learning from it. He's got me in a position where I believe that I owe something to him because of my past, like I did something wrong to him, but I know that I didn't. At this point I don't even know what to say to him.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Bonita--'s answer:

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He's got me in a position where I believe that I owe something to him because of my past, like I did something wrong to him, but I know that I didn't. At this point I don't even know what to say to him.

I have a past that would probably make yours look like you spent your life in a convent. I met and married a wonderful guy that understands that my past is exactly that, the past.

It's the future that matters, but your boyfriend can't seem to get over what happened before you met him.

You two need to talk about this if you have any hope of a relationship. He has to understand that his words are not only hurtful but childish and insecure. Either he gets over it, or you get over him.

Sorry, but that's how I see it. You can't change someone thoughts and feelings but you do have the power to walk away.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Alty's answer:

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I have a past that would probably make yours look like you spent your life in a convent. I met and married a wonderful guy that understands that my past is exactly that, the past.

It's the future that matters, but your boyfriend can't seem to get over what happened before you met him.

You two need to talk about this if you have any hope of a relationship. He has to understand that his words are not only hurtful but childish and insecure. Either he gets over it, or you get over him.

Sorry, but that's how I see it. You can't change someone thoughts and feelings but you do have the power to walk away.

I agree that he needs to get over it. And to be honest my past isn't even THAT bad. It's bad but I know many girls who have done worse but he makes me feel like I'm the nastiest girl in the world for what I did. For a long time now I let him say certain things to me and I took his crap because I felt guilty for my past and felt like I owed him. I'm at the point now where I don't feel sorry anymore and I realize I shouldn't have to. Maybe I have to show him what other people are saying so he can realize that what he's doing to me is wrong.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Bonita--'s answer:

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I agree that he needs to get over it. And to be honest my past isn't even THAT bad. It's bad but I know many girls who have done worse but he makes me feel like I'm the nastiest girl in the world for what I did. For a long time now I let him say certain things to me and I took his crap because I felt guilty for my past and felt like I owed him. I'm at the point now where I don't feel sorry anymore and I realize I shouldn't have to. Maybe I have to show him what other people are saying so he can realize that what he's doing to me is wrong.

Let him read the posts we've written, it may be an eye opener for him.

You owe him nothing, you only owe yourself, and right now you're letting someone make you feel bad for something that you can't change.

I doubt very much that he'll never bring this up again, so you have to decide whether you can put up with it, whether you should have to. Personally, I wouldn't, but that's me. :)

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Alty's answer:

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took his crap because I felt guilty for my past and felt like I owed him. I'm at the point now where I don't feel sorry anymore and I realize I shouldn't have to.

Keep that in mind.It wasn't your fault he was a virgin.
It is not your fault he is insecure.

You have to live with your own demons,if you have them (I suggest you let them go) and he has no right to guilt trip you and manipulate the arguments by hitting what he knows are your emotional "buttons"!

I don't know how long you have been together but I think you need to have a serious talk about BOUNDARIES!

Let him know that ,your past,your business!Not his!

Jealous verbal abusive behavior is a RED FLAG!

I couldn't care less how he says he sorry and makes nice,that is another manipulation!

You look at how a person is by the way they behave when their back is against a wall. Then you see some true colors!

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Many guys are that way, it mostly beaus there afraid or just insecure and nervous of there own personal secrets that haven't been exposed yet. The best thing to do during a argument that has no meaning and is pointless is to walk away saying nothing, cause it takes two to pass words and no one likes to talk to themselves. That way if there is a truth that's not being spoken about that silence will bring a guilt and truth to light, you can't change the past but you can assure happiness in your future think about it. Best wishes.

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I agree with the others you need to put him on the spot when he brings it up. When he tries and turn the tables to make the argument about your past you tell him If you don't want me then WHY are you with me! Don't let him bully you, stand up for yourself and tell him that the conversation is about xxxxx not about your past.

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Number one, you should probably think about how much of his past do you know? Number two, from what is happening now, he will keep trying to use guilt on you for the rest of relationship. If he can't forget a past he had nothing to do with, then screw him. Number three, just an opinion based on experiences by myself and girlfriends of mine, this has potential to turn into an abusive relationship. He has a hold on you and once he is secure with that he may move into more harsh psychological crud and it just progresses. Just be careful and take a look at where the relationship is going. If he proved himself incapable of breaking his pattern, is it really worth it?

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with MarieLee89's answer:

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He treats me really good except for when we fight, that's when he lets it all out. Other than that he's a very good boyfriend so I don't want to throw it all away. He never used to be like this, when we used to fight he would keep things inside and he wouldn't yell at me but then he changed and now everytime we fight he screams at me and my past is usually brought up too.

WARNING!! I'd say 90% of the domestic dispute calls I respond to end up with the man being arrested and the woman not pressing charges. And you know what, I usually end up back at the same house at a later date. All of these disputes begin verbally. I understand you love him, but you are an adult and you need to understand that your past bothers him, otherwise it would not keep coming up.
Please be careful. From what I've seen, by the time the physical abuse starts, the females are so broken down and have an extremely poor vision of themselves, they do not think they can find love else where so they don't want to loose the only man that could possibly "LOVE" them.
What you have done is what you have done. Water under the bridge. You can not change your past. I believe we learn from our past (not only our mistakes) and this shapes the human being we become.

Humankind is enhanced by learning from human beings who face and overcome fears, not those cowering to them.

My suggestion to you is leave now. You do not deserve to be treated poorly.

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WARNING!!! I'd say 90% of the domestic dispute calls I respond to end up with the man being arrested and the woman not pressing charges. And you know what, I usually end up back at the same house at a later date. All of these disputes begin verbally. I understand you love him, but you are an adult and you need to understand that your past bothers him, otherwise it would not keep coming up.
Please be careful. From what I've seen, by the time the physical abuse starts, the females are so broken down and have an extremely poor vision of themselves, they do not think they can find love else where so they don't want to loose the only man that could possibly "LOVE" them.
What you have done is what you have done. Water under the bridge. You can not change your past. I beleive we learn from our past (not only our mistakes) and this shapes the human being we become.

Humankind is enhanced by learning from human beings who face and overcome fears, not those cowering to them.

My suggestion to you is leave now. You do not deserve to be treated poorly.

Thank you-that is what I was trying to say myself without putting in my own assumptions of the relationship.

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Thank you all for replies. I realized that what he's doing isn't right at all. When I first got with him I lied to him about my past because I was scared he would leave me if I told him the truth. We were bestfriends for many years before we got together so I had been lying to him for years but when we got together I felt I wanted to be honest about everything so I told him. I knew it wasn't right that he would bring it up but I let him because I felt guilty for lying to him and I also felt guilty for doing it. After the other night I realized it isn't right and he has to stop. I showed him the comments you all have said and we also had a talk about it and I told him I don't want him to bring it up anymore and if he does it again then I won't take it. I've never really told him not to talk about it before, I would get mad but I wouldn't tell him it's wrong and he needs to stop. Now he knows that I had enough of it and I want it to stop so we'll see what happens. I'm not ready to throw away our relationship because I haven't given him a chance to change yet. I appreciate everyone's advice, as I said I've showed my boyfriend what everyone has said because I think he needed to see it from other people's perspectives.

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We'd like to understand what you find wrong with Bonita--'s answer:

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If from the beginning he knew about your past and decided to maintain a relationship then why is he so dramatic!

Even if you were different in the past and liked to have a good time he shouldn't bring it up especially if you haven't been like that now that you are with him. Somebody who truly cares about you would have talked to you about that from the beginning, actually not even! He should have just said well that's the past and he should only care about the present cause that's your issues and your business not his or anyone else's instead of bring it up every time you get in a fight.

And girl please if he's yelling all that unnecessary crap in front of all those people why would you even think about giving him another chance. If you keep forgiving him then he's going to think its OK to do it cause you wont&#180;t leave him.

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