Grown Children Take On Referee Role

October 27, 1986|By Sharon Johnson , New York Times

NEW YORK — ''I hated visiting my parents because all they did was argue,'' complained Josephine Mazzola, a 46-year-old Boston speech therapist. ''I used to come home exhausted because they expected me to settle their differences.''

Experts say an increasing number of adult children are finding themselves in similar positions because more people are living longer and becoming emotionally dependent on their adult children. One out of nine Americans is over 65, and the population over 65 is growing twice as fast as the population as a whole, according to the Census Bureau.

''Elderly parents often turn to their adult children for emotional support and help in solving their differences because they have few other resources,'' said Barbara Silverstone, co-author of You and Your Aging Parents (Pantheon Books, 1984). ''Their friends and other relatives may have moved away or died, and they may not have replaced them because they are infirm and cannot get out to meet new people.''

Silverstone said that elderly couples argue for a variety of reasons. Some who have gotten along well in the past argue after a major change in their lives, such as the husband's retirement, because they may be unaccustomed to spending so much time together.

''Once they are established in new routines these arguments may disappear,'' Silverstone said, ''and so adult children should avoid the temptation to jump in and try to solve these problems because they will be taking the risk of alienating one or both parents.''

Other experts report that couples argue over issues related to continuing problems such as finances or poor health. Still other couples argue out of habit, according to Babette Becker, a New York City psychotherapist and specialist in aging.

''As young couples they disagreed over whether to spend or save their paychecks, and as 65-year-olds they argue over how to allocate their Social Security checks,'' she said. ''In such cases adult children should remember that the parents' arguments are an integral part of the relationship and may not be bothering the parents as much as their adult children believe.''

Becker, who teaches a course called Coping With Elderly Parents at Marymount College in Manhattan, said that sometimes the reason parents give for arguing is not the true source of their difficulties.

''Adult children have to ask themselves what is going on with their parents as individuals and as a couple,'' she said. ''They have to spend some time observing their situation and examining their own feelings toward their parents so that they can come up with creative solutions.''

Rosalind Barnett, a clinical psychologist in Weston, Mass., said: ''So much of what happens in these situations depends on the life experience of both parent and child. If the mother looked to the daughter to act as a go- between with the father when the daughter was growing up, the mother will continue to do so when she is older.'' Barnett, co-author of Life Prints: New Patterns of Love and Work for Today's Woman, said adult children must realize that they do not have to respond to their parents in the way they did as young people.

For example, Mazzola, the Boston speech therapist, realized after several counseling sessions that her difficulties with her 80-year-old parents were caused by her misplaced loyalty to her mother.

''I had always wanted to win my mother's affection, and one way to do this was to take her part against my father in their squabbles,'' she explained. ''My father is much more aggressive than is my mother, and one way she could stand up to him was by having me point out things to him that she really wanted to say.''

Mazzola and her parents got out of this destructive pattern by sitting down once a week and calmly discussing the parents' disagreements. The mother learned to be more forthright about her feelings and the father to listen to the mother's views. They also learned to work out some compromises so that the mother did not feel overworked.

''The person who profited most from their new way of relating to each other was me,'' said Mazzola. ''Now when we get together, we enjoy each other instead of arguing all the time.''