Televisualist: Surprisingly Uncancelled Parade!

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Brett assures us that this is incredibly funny if you imagine these guys speaking in Bronx accents.

Monday

Wait, Rules of Engagement isn’t cancelled? I thought it was cancelled. No, really, I seriously thought it was cancelled. I mean, it’s good that David Spade has a job and all, because David Spade has to eat, but…no, on second thought I change my mind. David Spade can die starving, just like everybody else in Grown Ups who was not Salma Hayek. (CBS, 8:30 p.m.)

Monday Mornings is TNT’s new medical drama series which is, when you get down to it, Law And Order: What If We Did That Show In A Hospital Instead? Because the premise here is that the doctors all have their meeting on Monday morning where the chief of staff, played by mean old Alfred Molina, interrogates doctors who fucked up in the week previous and assesses how much their fault it was (for example, did they scream “don’t die on me” loud enough, that sort of thing) and how much it was just the cruel nature of the job—fencing against Death, working themselves down to a worn, emotional nub that requires them to become functional alcoholics to feel anything, et cetera. But it does have Alfred Molina, Jamie Bamber and Ving Rhames in it, and Ving Rhames is so awesome his middle name should be “Motherfucking.” Yes, with italics. (Bravo, 10 p.m.)

Tuesday

Next on our “wait, that isn’t cancelled?” parade is Smash, NBC’s Broadway musical drama that was pitched as “Glee for adults” but in fact turned out to be “Glee for people not smart enough to understand Glee,” which is a pretty low bar, and the show barely cleared that one. Jennifer Hudson is a recurring character this season, probably because they needed “one of the successful American Idol people” to boost Katherine McPhee. Let the hatewatching commence. (CTV2, 9 p.m.)

We wish we could continue the surprised-at-it-still-being-around theme with Real Housewives of Vancouver, but its survival surprises us no more than the survival of the bedbug. The bedbug is slightly worse. (Slice, 10 p.m.)

Wednesday

The Toronto Raptors host the Boston Celtics tonight, and basketball fans in Toronto are currently abuzz over the Rudy Gay trade, which was such a big trade that American sports networks actually acknowledged our team’s existence beyond the “fun fact” level. Gay is certainly a talented player, and his first two outings as a Raptor demonstrated his ability to produce points for the team, which is good. However, the unfortunate problem is that, even though Gay is producing well, there’s still some question as to whether he is worth A) his massive, massive contract (which Memphis very much wanted not to pay) and B) Jose Calderon and Ed Davis and a draft pick and some money and also taking on Hamed Haddadi’s contract, even though Haddadi cannot legally play basketball in Canada due to visa issues (he’s Iranian). Of course, the real reason Raptor fans are still leery about this trade is that it means Bryan Colangelo may keep his job and we’ll be in for another few years of not-really-contending-but-not-bad-enough-to-really-rebuild, which is very much not what we want at all. Anyway, tonight’s game is crucial if the Raps are to have any serious chance of snagging the eighth playoff seed in the Eastern Conference, since Boston currently has the best chance of getting it. (Sportsnet, 7 p.m.)

Thursday

Replacing 30 Rock on the NBC schedule is…wait for it…Community! But wait, is this real Community, or does the firing of Dan Harmon, the exodus of many of his writers, and then the subsequent firing of Chevy Chase mean that this is merely pseudo-Community—perhaps Community Lite, if you will? We are not sure, but we know many Community fans will make their own joke about “the darkest timeline” for us, which saves us the trouble of writing one (thanks, guys!), and instead we will just acknowledge that it is finally October 19th. (City, 8 p.m.)

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “HOMR,” the one where Homer turns out to be stupid because there was a crayon stuck up his nose and lodged in his brain. “Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph…I make a lot of graphs.” (Comedy Network, 8:30 p.m.)

For the six people who watched Big Rich Texas (and who have Nielsen boxes, thus ensuring that we all get access to it), good news! Not only is the reality show about rich women and their rich daughters (that’s basically all the show is about, really) premiering tonight, but also you can watch the brand-new spinoff, Big Rich Atlanta, which is just the same sort of oh god make it stop make it stop is this some sort of weird Faustian game where I have to choose between a lifetime of wedding-themed reality shows and rich-nasty-women-themed reality shows are you laughing at me now, God are you laughing at me? type of thing. (E! Canada, 9 p.m. and 10 p.m. respectively)

Friday

Community wasn’t on the “wait, wasn’t that cancelled?” parade because people really like it, but then we have Touch, which was just sort of, well, there. Televisualist suspects that half the people who watch this show just think that 24 got really boring and are waiting for Jack Bauer to torture the autistic kid so he can find out where the Syrians planted the nuke. BEEP. BOOP. BEEP. BOOP. (Global, 8 p.m.)

The Job is Mark “Survivor and a lot of other shows you never watched” Burnett’s latest attempt to make money by putting people in vicious competition with one another, but this time, the competition is just for jobs! Seriously, each episode features five job-seekers who just want to get a paycheque, being showcased on national television as they try to get “dream jobs”—like an assistant-manager position at The Palm, or an entry-level assistant gig at a publishing company. Their prospective bosses will mock their resumés and give them helpful job-hunting tips like, “maybe you could offer to work for less” (no, really!) and then presumably the show kickstarts a Marxist rebellion of some kind, because seriously, what the fuck. (CBS, 8 p.m.)

The Weekend

It’s the 55th Annual Grammy Awards, which are very relevant because they nominated Frank Ocean, the Black Keys, the Alabama Shakes, and the Lumineers for awards as well as Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, Maroon 5, and Fun, even though the latter group will probably walk away with lots more awards, but whatever, they’re only Grammys. (CBS, 8 p.m. Sunday)

The Walking Dead comes back to finish off its third season, after spending most of the first half of the third season not sucking, which makes us awfully wary. It’s like they want us to let down our guard or something. Just like you would expect them to… (AMC, 9 p.m. Sunday)

Rachael v. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off comes to its finish, as Coolio and Lou Diamond Phillips square off with the best cooking advice Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri can provide, which given that Guy Fieri is involved this probably means things like “if you want to boil water, maybe you should turn the burners on, I hear that works.” No, no, we’re kidding! We’re sure Guy Fieri can totally cook food and everything. Really. (Food Network, 10 p.m. Sunday)