The random musings of a fashion addict about life and love, the positive and the negative.

Month: June 2013

(There came a point last week where I just had to say, “Gah, fuckit… I’m just gonna go shoot zombies.”)

Yes, I’m very very behind. BUT, I’m also committed to try and get 30 posts in before the end of June. So I’m going to try and double up as much as I can to try and get these caught up, and I apologize for my slacking. Life has just been really crazy.

Part of why I wasn’t writing was because, admittedly, I had no Photoshop motivation, and given that this is primarily a fashion blog (even though the ABM posts don’t HAVE to be fashion), I would feel like I was ‘going against’ the feeds I’m syndicated on that are fashion related in order to do just general ‘life’ posts. The other reason, is because I just couldn’t come up with anything to write about. I mean, I say life has been crazy, but it’s all the typical stuff. Blah blah, RL job sucks… blah blah, issues making ends meet… blah blah, relationship problems. It’s all stuff you’ve heard before.

But recently while I was trying to find an notecard in my inventory, I ran into a notecard I made of something I stole out of someone’s profile. I apparently had the presence of mind at the time to mention it was taken from a profiel… however, I did not notate WHOSE profile it was from. So… my bad. I apologize for not being able to properly cite who I stole it from, but I’m fully admitting that these are not my original creations. The notecard is titled “20 Rules to Live By”. What more would be a better way to give me topics to try and make up these posts than to blog about each rule?

Believe it or not, I’m actually really excited about this discovery. So… ONWARD TO RULE #1.

20 Rules To Live By, Rule #1: If you’re afraid to fight, then you’ll never win.

First of all, I just have to say YES to this. To illustrate just why I feel so strongly about this rule, allow me to delve a bit into the “blah blah, relationship problems” portion of my mundane troubles.

My partner and I are on the outs. We have not really spoken since last Friday, and we will not speak until He comes home from work tomorrow. Let’s just start by saying that much.

While I feel like taking time apart was a good way to be able to sit down and TRULY examine our relationship as it stands, whether it can continue, and what needs to be fixed in order for it to succeed… it SUCKS to not be around Him. It really does. Do we have the perfect relationship? Hell no. Do we fight? Yes. A lot more than I’m comfortable admitting. And that’s kinda our biggest problem. He doesn’t really… express… that He thinks there are things that need fixed in our relationship until we get into an argument, and then I am left to feel like they are being held over me like a death sentence. His intentions could very well be to simply air out the concerns, but when they’re given in the context of a confrontation, I feel attacked. Is it necessarily His fault? No. Like I said, He could very well be trying to air out concerns. However, He has a serious case of “wrong place, wrong time, wrong execution.”

(Again, I gave up trying to deal with it all at one point, and went to go shoot zombies. Stylishly, of course.)

Now, why I feel like all this mess relates to Rule #1 is simple (at least to me). If I go into this conversation tomorrow (which I’m incredibly nervous about, just for the record) and I don’t, theoretically moreso than literally, “fight” for us… then we’re not going to survive. At the same time, if He doesn’t “fight” for us, then I’m going to be left to feel like our relationship isn’t that important to Him… and we won’t survive either.

See, it’s this fighting idea that I guess has been another point of contention. In my head, where no one fights and everything exists in the ‘ideal’ state, I live in a world where chivalry is not dead. Yes, I admitted in my last post to being a slave. But at the same time, I’m still a human being involved in a (mostly) loving relationship. If someone questions my honor, I would melt into a little Tivi puddle to watch Zak stand up to them to defend me. At the same time, if *I* become my own worst enemy (there’s a rule on that, so I’ll elaborate another day!), I would still hope that I would matter enough to Him for Him to stand up and fight for me, to fight for us.

Now, does this mean that I’m going to purposely create confrontation just to see if He’s willing to fight for me? No. All of our issues have been legitimate arguments over something either He or I was mad about. But, at the same time, we’ve been together 8 months… and while I’ve seen Him defend me to, maybe, 2 people in that time… I’ve never seen Him truly ‘fight’ to preserve what we have. And maybe some of you will tell me that I’m arrogant or full of myself to want Him to fight for me… but I don’t consider it a 2-way street. There are some circumstances surrounding our relationship that cause me to fight for Him almost daily. He may not see it, He may not realize it, but I do. I fight for Him in regards to other people, and I even fight for Him against the questions that pop up in my own head.

And that’s what scares me the most. These questions that I’ve had to sit down and honestly answer over the past week.

I’ve fought for Him for 8 months. But if He continues to refuse to fight for me… I can’t conduct a one-sided relationship… even with a Man I love.

I found myself looking into the mirrorKnew I wasn’t who I wanted to beI was living life the way that I wantedBut my eyes reminded me I’m not free

Believed the lie, so everything that I knowSays I gotta go, tired of going soloBut I’m never gonna go there again

(Got a new graphics tablet and have been experimenting. So far so good…)

Ok. So… June is Avatar Blogger Month… so I’m going to try and do 30 in 30. Now, granted, I’m a couple hours late for my June 2nd post… but my evening was a little bit full with something important. And it was actually that something… and the things that occurred before, during, and after it… that inspired today’s blog.

First of all, to get my random comment out of the way, I should’ve used a couple of sharpen filters on the picture today. It’s a little matte and blurred for my liking.

Anyway, back to matters of a more philosophical nature…

There are a few things that people need to know about me… but first they need to know the reason that these things have been ‘hidden’ (hidden in plain sight, if you ask me… I’m not very secretive) for as long as they have. I was told more recently in my modeling career that there were certain things I needed to ‘hide’ in my profile, or simply not place there, because certain lifestyles, etc may offend the customer base of a store, or the fan base of a contest, or the executive team of an agency. This idea is understandable, and I totally get it. And so I took the advice and hid some groups and re-worded/took out some things from my profile.

Skip ahead a little bit to why my evening was so full tonight, I graduated the Passionate Heart of Dance Academy’s Beginner’s course. Now, for those that don’t know, I’ve been dancing in SL since 2009. I am far from a beginner. But for the last 7 months or so, I had a horrible writer’s block that I just… couldn’t write. I could choreograph routines all I wanted to, but when it came down to sitting down and actually putting pen to paper to write the emotes, I just couldn’t do it. I might be able to get half a post written, but I couldn’t go beyond that and I would get so frustrated with what I did manage to get written that I would scrap it, delete the notecard, and give up. It was a miserable exists for those 7 months for someone who identifies themselves as a dancer.

Oh… you didn’t know I was a dancer? That’s part of what I was advised to hide.

Not that dancing itself is a bad thing… but that most of my dancing takes place in a little roleplay space in SL called Gor. (Yes, I was being sarcastic about the ‘little’ part.) There is no grey area with Gor, it seems. People either like it or hate it. And the ones that don’t like it or hate it have likely never heard of it and don’t have an opinion. There is no “sort of” liking Gor or “sort of” disliking it. Gor deals with a futuristic, yet with medieval-age technology in some cases, other-world that is defined by a system of Mastery and slavery. (Yes, there are also Free Women and male slaves, but it is predominantly male Master and female slave.)

Ok, let’s back up a little bit.

Confession #1: I am a slave. My partner Zak is not just my partner; He is my Master. My being a slave has nothing to do with feeling like I’m worthless or wanting to be a mindless twit for the rest of my life. In fact, some of the strongest women I’ve ever met are submissives or slaves. Being a slave simply has to do with how I prefer my personal, romantic relationships to be conducted. Please note there that I said “person” and “romantic”. This does NOT dictate how I deal with people in everyday situations. Does my being a slave make me any less outspoken? (Some of you just started laughing.) A lot of you have first-hand experience with just how outspoken I can be… and I’ve always been a slave… this is nothing new. So tell me, does being a slave make me any less outspoken to you? Didn’t think so.

Confession #2: I am a competitive Gorean dancer. I just recently stepped back into the competition sands this past Saturday morning (and placed 3rd, by the way)… but I have been competing since September of 2011. No, I do not currently roleplay in Gor, but yes, I still compete there, and I intend to continue to do so. In fact, I’m working on two dances for future competitions at the end of June.

Now, these two facts were not on my profile. I used to proudly display them. I started to sort of display my dancing again… by posting which events I would be competing in in a pick in my profile about dance. But I did not mention explicitly that I am a competitive Gorean dancer. I also wiped out everything I said in my profile that even eluded to my being “collared” to Zak. I did this at the advice of a friend trying to help me in modeling. Because apparently some agencies and stores and competition/paegant teams will look at that and deem it offensive to their client base and decide that you are not a good model based solely on that.

And then I remembered… since when have I gave a damn about offending people? I am who I am, and if you don’t like it, that’s fine. You don’t have to deal with me. That’s the beauty of SL… plenty of more people out there.

But the whole ‘being true to myself’ thing was just compounded upon tonight during graduation.

I invited a few of my friends from the modeling community to come and watch the graduation. They were aware of the date, they were aware of the time and that it may be at a late hour for a few of them. Would I have been offended had they not shown up? No. I would’ve understood. A few decided to come though. (I won’t name them, as I’m not trying to call them out or embarass them… merely make a point.) Before the thing even really got started (there was a delay due to the DJ not being able to play the right song for the group dance that started us off) one of them crashed and proceeded to IM me in Skype a “thanks for inviting me” and decided not to come back. I checked the message and didn’t respond, because I had my own things to be dealing with, with how the lag was on the sim, and trying to get ready to perform, even if I was last.

The other thing that my invite stated was a LIST of the DANCE ORDER that we were all dancing in. And just in case people didn’t get it from the list, I even made the statement, “Yes, I’m going last.” While the 2nd dancer was dancing, I receive an IM from another model who came, asking me when it was my turn to dance. I ignore all IMs that aren’t from people associated with the event when I’m doing something, dance or modeling, and so I did not respond. I didn’t find out until later that when they didn’t receive a response, apparently they just decided to leave and not even wait for my turn.

When I got up there to dance… there were only 5 dancers and each dance was less than 10 minutes long… so it’s not like it took 4 hours to get to me or something ridiculous like that… but when I got up there to dance, I looked around as I was dancing… and re-choreographing on the fly due to the lag just butchering my sequence… and I didn’t see the ‘modeling’ community. All I saw were my friends… my real family… those people who knew and understood and accepted all sides of me… and even if they didn’t fully understand, they embraced it and encouraged me anyway. These people never turned their back on me, and they’ve loved me for the entirety of who I am, always. (Granted, there were some in attendance that I didn’t know, and others who have tried to sabotage a friend of mine so they’re on my shit list. But, as a whole, the people who were gathered were people who were important to me and the others who graduated.)

So then I was left to wonder… why have I forsaken this community of people who embraces ALL of me… everything that I am… flaws and all… for the sake of clinging to a community that only accepts part of me and makes me hide the rest?

Why have I given up so much of the time I could’ve been dancing… or so many of the weekends I could’ve been attending or dancing in an event… in order to model, or style, or attend a casting, or wait for some bloody notecard that is ultimately just going to tell me I wasn’t good enough but I could ‘keep trying’. What in the hell has been wrong with my priorities?

After I was finished dancing… and finished crying… I gave serious consideration for a couple of hours to the idea of quitting modeling entirely. My whole world was turned on its head by my graduation… and I was seriously about done with modeling and the superficiality of SOME (emphasis on SOME) of its people.

But then, I let myself calm for a few minutes… or an hour… and decided that no, I wouldn’t quit. But I would devote more time to dance. I would choose dance over modeling if I felt like it and would not allow myself to feel guilty about it. And what’s more, I would put those things back in my profile about being a slave to my Master and being a competitive dancer in Gor. I would unhide the groups that I’m proud of that I had previously hidden for modeling. I would express, to the fullest extent that I damn well please, exactly who I am… and if people didn’t like it, then that was their issue, not mine.

Because of this, I’ve had to go to every designer and every agency that I ‘work for’ and tell them. “Look, these are the things you don’t know about me. I’m a slave. I’m a competitive Gorean dancer. These things are not going to change. It’s who I am. If you feel that represents you in a bad way, then I will freely leave with no hard feelings. But if you’re willing to be accepting of ALL the parts of me, then I’d love to keep working with you.”

So far, I’ve only been dismissed from one agency. And, well… I’ll keep my opinions to myself there.

I am fully aware that this decision might make me unsuccessful in some castings… unsuccessful in some pageants/competitions… I may lose out on modeling jobs… I may not get into some agencies… I understand the reality of what I’ve chosen to do.

But when I think about the things I might miss out on simply for being who I am… I have to pause and wonder if I really want to associate myself with a group of people that’s not going to accept me for me.

(Featuring one of the newest Tattoo designers to grace the grid with her talent… The INKWELL!)

He is jealous for meLove’s like a hurricane, I am a treeBending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a suddenI am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed bygloryAnd I realize just how beautiful You areAnd how great Your affections are for me

(Introducing the pixels of my new blogging alt, pageantconfessionsBLOG Resident!)

I’m not sure when tattoos became something associated with being “emo”.

And apparently being an “emo” is stereotyped as a negative thing. This is why labels are so complicated. I happen to think that tattoos are beautiful expressions of an individual’s view on what constitutes ‘beauty’ and ‘art’. Both of those terms are subjective. So tattooing, to me, has always been a method of self-expression, if that is the method you choose. Personally, in RL I chose that method three times.

But if you look at the ‘labels’ of things, then you can’t get a tattoo because you’ll be labeled as ’emo’… and you don’t want to be labeled as ’emo’ because that just means that you’re a sniveling drama queen who dies her hair black and wears way too much eye makeup to balance out the lack of makeup on the rest of her face… or you’re a gender-challenged male who wears pants that have to be anatomically impossible to wear that tight and also wears way too much eye makeup, as compared to the ZERO eye makeup that ‘normal’ men wear. Oh, and let’s not forget to mention that being labeled as ’emo’ also automatically means that you cut yourself while listening to depressing songs and crying yourself to sleep every night… because, you know, ’emo kids’ aren’t allowed to have social lives. And because you obviously cut yourself, you are clearly a suicidal (or eventually homicidal) psycho and everyone should avoid you… because heaven forbid if you breathe in their direction they might ‘catch’ the ’emo’ disease.

For real?

I understand that some people are more in touch with their emotions than other people… but, to me, that is perfectly healthy. (The being in touch with your emotions part, not the cutting yourself part from earlier. Those types really do need to seek professional help.) I think I would rather understand myself and my emotions than to walk around as an unfeeling automaton for the rest of my life, you know?

Then again, others may be happier the opposite.

(Her skin is darker than mine. That’s why I used her instead of Tivi.)

Now, I will be the first one to admit that I am a sensitive person… some would even call me overly-sensitive. Hell, there are certain situations in which I would call MYSELF overly-sensitive. I am very defensive of my friends… so if you even so much as fart in their general direction, I’m likely to drop a nuclear bomb on you. I am also very defensive of my work. Constructive criticism is fine, it’s wonderful, it helps us all grow. However, I rarely take kindly to someone telling me how everything I did/am doing is wrong, and this is wrong and that is wrong and that is horrible and this needs to go… but not telling me WHY. I can only learn if I know the why… and if I’m not given a why then I am lead to believe that it doesn’t exist, and therefore will defend myself.

The other part of this is that I am finding I set unrealistic expectations on other people, at times. Ironically enough, the whole dance community drama with accusations of stolen dances and things has made me think about this particular point a lot. One person who claimed my friend stole someone else’s dance brought up that they used two different versions of the same song… and that’s what made it stolen. I arbitrarily argued, not really thinking much of it at the time, “Well I used that particular song over a year ago… Valentine’s Day of 2012… so does that mean that they both stole my dance?” The more I thought about it, the more I thought about that song, and that dance.

The song was Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years.”

The dance was one I’d written for two friends of mine, MasterDarkEros Resident and Bryannah Resident. I remember I had it pegged from the very beginning that she would submit to Him. And everyone always asked them “What’s going on with you two?” For a long time, both of them were very adamant and consistent, “He is just my Mentor,” “I am just mentoring her.” But I knew better. Well, not that I believed more was going on at that time PHYSICALLY, but emotionally… I just knew she would submit to Him.

While we were all members of a club that has since dissolved into pixel dust, Bryannah and I were Elite dancers being managed by my now dance teacher, Rya. Bry knew that Rya had been going over Gorean dance with me, refreshing me on it, and that I was competing again. Bry got curious and started asking Rya… and she found dance to be a way to express everything that she didn’t feel she could say. She later submitted to Sir Dark with a dance. His acceptance was post-poned, but He accepted in due time…. when He determined that the time was right for them to make that step. I could not have possibly been happier for two people if I’d tried.

At that point, they pretty much became my ‘ideal’ relationship. There was this firm way that He Mastered her, and there was a very definite submission between them, even if she was a brat. (Just like how Alisha is with Sir Mik.) They were so strong, but they didn’t get caught up in themselves and in each other… they still were active in the community, they still had friends… it was literally perfect, in my eyes. Now, granted, I wasn’t behind closed doors, so I don’t know every aspect of that relationship… but on the outside, it appeared perfect and blissful… it seemed as though my two friends had found “The One” in each other.

(I’m REALLY tempted to wear this with a backless couture gown… can you just imagine?)

So, given that she submitted to Him in dance, and dance is something that I love and how I express myself on a deeper level… what else could I have done for their first Valentine’s Day together but dance for them. I choreographed a dance for them to that song… “A Thousand Years”… thinking that it spoke so truly to who they were. I recounted their story from an outsider’s point of view… how they grew with each other and deeper in their relationship, subtly and yet like such a whirlwind that they were both caught up in… and I tried to capture how truly beautiful a relationship that I believed they had.

“I’ve loved you for a thousand years… I’ll love you for a thousand more.”

… Or not.

Their relationship ended this past December. And can I tell you that I felt like a complete idiot for actually being as upset as I was about it? Like… I wasn’t INVOLVED in their relationship (romantically)… it wasn’t my trust that was betrayed or my heart that was broken or my whatever it was that happened between them. It wasn’t about me at all. And yet, overly-sensitive me who had looked up to them as the ‘ideal’ relationship and was now watching it fall about around me, was still devastated by the crumbling of this… solid rock. They were what gave me hope that I would find my “One”. He helped her through things and stood by her during some of the roughest times I’d personally seen her go through… and it really was an awe-inspiring relationship to watch.

And yet my rock… my ‘ideal’ had just been destroyed in front of me.

And for whatever reason… even though, again, I was not romantically involved in the situation and should not have been as upset as I was… I felt like they’d failed me. They’d failed each other, and in doing so, they’d failed me and anyone else who happened to look up to them as I did. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, and if you think I’m ridiculous, then I’m ok with that… but I still, to this day, have not found a relationship that I can look up to like I did to Theirs. Yes, I’m in my own relationship, and yes, I love Him very much. But I haven’t found that ‘ideal’ to shoot for anymore… like I had with Sir Dark and Bryannah.

And this is what I mean by unrealistic expectations. It was almost like I expected them to stay together simply because there were people… or, at least, there was me… that looked up to Them. They were an example, a role model, for relationships, and it ended. If my ‘ideal’ could end, then what’s to say for my own relationship? And if my own relationship is going to fail, then what’s the point of beginning it in the first place? Why set myself up to fail? It was the mindset I fell into for the longest time, both before and after Sir Dark and Bryannah’s break-up. To this day, I still don’t know what happened. As it’s not my place to know and it’s not my place to ask.

To this day, I am also still pretty shaken up… and it makes me fear the ending of my own relationship. Every time I find myself feeling like Zak is my perfect match, there’s that really annoying voice in the back of my head that reminds me, “You thought Sir Dark and Bryannah were perfect too.”

Damn, I did.

I don’t think the ‘ideal’ truly exists. And that fact scares me. My inability to predict the future to avoid heartbreak scares me. And the love that I have for Zak REALLY scares me.

But… yeah… so the moral of the story is: It’s not bad to be ’emo’… and don’t set unrealistic expectations for people in your life. They don’t live for you. They live for themselves.