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Waiting on God, not myself...

It has been five months since I started looking for work in Albuquerque. So many times I have wondered, "Where is God in this time of struggle?" "If God brought me here, has he forgotten me so quickly?"

Every week there is either a new difficulty, or an expansion upon an existing struggle. I have learned so much during this desert time.

When I graduated from college, one year ago yesterday, I did not really consider what searching for a job with an English major would be like. Yet, if someone had pressed me for an answer, I would have said something like this: "I'm not sure what I want to do, but with my skills, work experience during college, and grades, I should not have any problems getting a job. I just need to figure out what I want to do with my life."

Inevitably, someone would say, "So an English major, do you want to teach?"
My answer to this question was usually along the lines of, "No, I do not want to teach. Not only do I not particularly like other people's kids, but I am not patient enough. No one would benefit from me teaching. I could teach adults, but not children. Yet, I don't have enough education to teach adults, so I am not planning on teaching."

All of the answers had the same strain of "I will...I plan on...I don't know...I need...I, I, I..." When my focus is wholly on myself, my talents, my abilities, I am going to get frustrated. Yes, I, Elizabeth, have a great deal to offer the world.

Yet I, Elizabeth, did nothing to deserve the gifts given to me. Nothing about me is inherently better than anyone else. By focusing on myself, the only answer to my life's questions is within me.

How false! Just as I was given the gifts God has given me, He could have made me slow, ugly, in a bad family, with no chance at an education.

I can never do anything. Only Christ in me can do anything.

Daily I must remind myself that I am not waiting on a job, an interview, a needed break, one more contact. No. I am waiting on God alone for my provision.

I have done everything in my power that I can do. When I realize again and again that I have nothing, I must look to God to sustain me.

When God is in charge of my calendar, I do not have to worry about who I meet with, the number of appointments, or lack of appointments any given week. When God is in charge of putting things on my calendar, I can rest in Him. He will introduce me to the people I need to meet. If I need to be somewhere, God will make the appointment happen. At the same time, if I am not supposed to be somewhere, God will make sure that I am not there, for my own protection.

When I wait on God for a job, not my own ability, I am free. Free to take rejections from His merciful hand, not as a slight against me. Free to rest on His ability to provide.

I have done all I can to "get" a job. I have made contacts, gone to interviews, networked, applied, phoned people, interviewed, emailed. Yet if it is not time, then, "Thank you God!" I do not need to understand it. He is God, and in control of everything that touches my life.

By waiting on God, I can go to the interviews, do my best, knowing that when it is time for me to be working, God will make sure I am there at the right time. Since I do not have a job yet, it is the best and most gracious thing that could happen.

Even now, I am just learning what it means to wait on God, not man to provide. Yet God is faithful. He sustains me, and will continue to teach me His truth, in the midst of my confusion.

Navigating the upheaval of being the mother to our firstborn, Isabella, who only lived 29.5 hours. Also processing the death of my mother, who took her own life nine months after our daughter died. Looking for and seeing God's grace and joy in the midst of tremendous sorrow.