Reading these unfortunately just makes me feel worse. I’m rather mixed up right now. There’s part of me that wants to just make the call now, and another part of me that knows I really shouldn’t do it while I feel so badly. Right now all I’m doing is feeling the same thing over and over. And I think once I make that call, I’m going to feel a whole new set of something unpleasant. I don’t know.

I’ve got a lot of garbage feelings I need to let go of right now, I just don’t know how to do that.

And I don’t know how to get my feelings straight either. I used to wonder once why it is that I never felt real anger. Instead, I felt overwhelming sadness. Things that by right should make me furious, instead made me feel horribly hurt and alone.

I’ve always felt mixed over inner child work. At times it seems real airy fairy to me, but also sometimes the things I’m most resistant to are the things that help me the most. I do see a benefit to showing empathy to a past self, especially a past self that had no empathy shown to her.

And that to this day, has no empathy shown by the majority of the population.

Getting past unnecessary shame too, that’s a biggie. The knowledge that I have absolutely nothing to be shamed of doesn’t want to reconcile herself with the illegitimate little bastard inside who wants not to rock the boat because she doesn’t have the right to.

Asking for help is so hard for me. I’m such a control freak. If I want something done right I’ve got to do it myself, blah blah blah. There’s also the idea I’m not entitled to anything. I can pay for someone to listen to me, because then they have to. Honestly who wants to hear the same thing over and over unless they're getting paid for it.

I’m turning comments off for a little bit. I don’t know for how long. I may make a post again this afternoon and change my mind, but it’s the way I feel right now. It’s for a number of reasons. Most important is just plain guilt. I’m a total comment whore and I haven’t been doing a ton lot of commenting recently, even though there are no unread items in my google reader. I’m reading but I’m not comfortable commenting a lot. And that makes me feel guilty, so to avoid the guilt, I’m just stopping that there.

Also I’m kind of drawing inward right now, I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but I feel like I’m just getting ready.

There’s so much going on. I need to go dorm room shopping and help my son get a new car and get all the paperwork together for our upstate house sale and then get my son off to college in July (yeah, they start early. It’s a year round program so they get their degree faster). I need to update my resume too. We’ve had some…. upheavals… in the company lately. I’m pretty sure my job is safe, but just in case, I need to be ready. I haven’t updated my resume in three years, and I’ve had two promotions since then. Even if my job is safe, there’s a pretty large probability I’ll be moved to a different division so I need a new resume just for the business unit change.

I know things are going to calm down soon and I’ll have more space to process all of this. But I’m never satisfied. I know when things do calm down, I’ll feel guilty and maudlin that I was so preoccupied during this busy time.

I’m just looking forward to the day when I feel a little less insane.

I thought I had a cavity. I don’t. I’ve just been grimacing through a clenched jaw a lot lately.