Monogamy works well for some but not others. Social status, religion, race, sexual orientation, and political philosophy don’t matter. Honesty, openness, love, commitment, communication, patience, and egalitarianism do.
Here I pass along what I’ve learned and teach at events on common challenges polyamorists encounter and their practical remedies, along with thoughts on related subjects such as community organizing, activism, and sexual freedom. Feel free to comment – and welcome!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A couple of days ago I came across a blog post entitled "How To Get Too Many Dates Using Only One Powerful Word" on a blog named Dating Highway. I was dismayed to see some of what the author had to say about polyamory.

It goes like this:

Are you one of the millions searching the Internet in the hopes of finding a new best friend with benefits?

If so, then today is definitely your lucky day because I am going to teach you a single word which, if used correctly, almost quadruples your chances of hooking up with multiple dating partners willing to take it to the next level.

All you need to do is use this word with all of your friends as a kind of gentle ice breaker and see how they react. If they seem open to it, you’re in. If not, quickly change the subject and move on to better hunting grounds.

As an extra bonus, potential mates will be doubly impressed that you even know such a difficult word.

Huh! That's not been my experience. In fact, from what I've seen, proposing polyamory for the purposes this guy proposes to someone you don't know whom you've just met who is not a part of a poly-friendly community runs the considerable risk of getting you shot down in flames, especially by monogamously-minded people who are hoping to meet someone for a real relationship. This guy makes it sound like polyamory is all the rage these days. It's certainly gaining popularity, but popularity is a relative thing. There is still a huge majority of people who would never consider anything but monogamy and see anything but to be ethically/morally wrong.

To be fair, the author goes on to explain polyamory, though not very thoroughly. He mentions nothing about openness and honesty. He ends the post by saying the following:

There are also more tools than ever to help you score a poly mate. I recommend www.matchalot.com. Even though this site is still new and needs to get more members, it is still the best way around when it come to how to make new friends easily.

Never heard of it. Maybe he's pimping for his own matchmaking service, which wouldn't surprise me since the blog is heavily layered with commercial ads and infomercial posts.

I find it potentially telling that this guy has declined, at least so far, to publish my comment where I attempted to set straight some erroneous assumptions and impressions and suggested swinging as a legitimate and more appropriate means of finding casual hookup sex. Maybe he's on vacation and not seeing e-mail right now (she says, trying to give the benefit of the doubt...) I'm pretty sure the author is a man, if for no other reason that this gem of a piece of advice in another post on how to get more girlfriends:

Think like a drug dealer. Create a strong desire early, and then clamp down on the supply afterwards to keep them begging for more.

Yeah, man, that'll get 'em to come running! Nothing turns a girl on like a lot of passive-aggressive game-playing.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The participants in the National Polyamory Leadership Summit held in New York City on October 5, 2008, invite you to join them for the Second National Polyamory Leadership Summit the evening of Sunday, March 1 and all day Monday, March 2, 2009. Specific times to be announced soon. It will be held at the Holiday Inn, Fort Washington, PA (suburban Philadelphia, following the Poly Living Conference.

The National Polyamory Leadership Summit is convened to gather leaders who serve our community for a professionally facilitated dialogue that further determines common ground and the means by which to move the Polyamory movement forward.

Cost:* $50 in person (limited seating), $25 by teleconference

Requirements for Participation:

Submission of Survey Answers by February 15, 2009 to Anita Wagner at Anita.Wagner@practicalpolyamory.com

Payment of the participation fee by February 15, 2009

Attendees click here to register and pay via Paypal.Teleconference click here to register and pay via Paypal.(If you have trouble with the PayPal link right click and please copy the URL to your browser or contact Robyn with Loving More at 970-667-5683 or polysummit@lovingmorenonprofit.org)

Please answer and return to Anita Wagner ( anita.wagner@practicalpolyamory.com )Not later than February 15, 2009(Cut and paste in an email is fine.)

The National Polyamory Leadership Group is a collaborative group of polyamory community leaders from around the U.S. who have come together to work to carry the polyamory movement forward. Its meetings welcome participation both via physical presence and via teleconference. The organization advocates for the interests of all who self-identify as polyamorous regardless of age, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation or political point of view.

All participants are expected to commit to the following:

To volunteer to do their fair share of the work of the group.

To do their best to stay engaged with and aware of the ongoing work of the group.

To collaborate with others in a productive manner.

To keep conflict to a minimum and avoid it entirely whenever possible.

To avoid placing personal agendas ahead of the work of the organization.

In order to help us get to know you better, please provide us with the following survey information via email as instructed above:

Name

Location

Phone Number

Email Address

Local poly groups in which you may participate

How long have you considered yourself a polyamory activist, advocate and/or organizer?

Oh for pete's sake! I'm one of those people whose reaction to such as this video goes from amusement to outright disgust at the paranoia some people, especially some parents, bring to anything that remotely suggests human sexuality in the context of a child's world. Interestingly, Walmart is usually the source of such extreme reactions (they sell no CDs that include parental warnings), but in this case Walmart is the alleged guilty party.

The video clearly shows that the other straws in the package are made in random shapes. Were the other straw shapes made in some clearly identifiable shape, she might have a point, though I think the interviewer correctly observes that the straws in question could be space shuttles or some such. And if I were the person responsible for designing penis-shaped drinking straws, I think I could do a better and more realistic job.

Next thing we'll be hearing is that using these heinous penis-shaped drinking straws is responsible for a kid being gay, or a slut, or both, later in life.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Wow! Check this out. Of all things, TLC (The Learning Channel) debuts a reality program on February 1 about a mainstream mom and her grown kids who have made a killing selling what she refers to as "bedroom accessories." Yes, there will soon be dildo talk on TLC.

This family may actually do the sex-positive movement a whole lotta good. The more average people know about sex and pleasure the better, and a seemingly average mom is about as non-threatening as it gets. Everbody (and I do mean EVERYBODY) enjoy!

Sorry not to have posted here lately. There are some exciting things happening in the world of polyamory community organizing - I'll be posting about that here soon. In the meantime, enjoy this woman's observances of the, ahem, affectionate way the Obamas interact.

Anita's Liberal Identity:

According to this fun test, I am a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. I am a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.