the word isn’t cruel

November is beating my ass.

I took in too much work , panicking because the work wasn’t coming in and payments were late and I have bills to pay and I’m sort of flaying in the wind so I took as much work as I could get and now I’m so full up with work that I don’t know if I’ll make it to my deadlines.

I probably will. I’ll just be half a shell of man when it’s all done.

The good thing about it is that I probably wouldn’t have to work come December and just really enjoy the Christmas season. There’s a whole lot to be thankful for and so many new friends I’ve made in the past year and a half and it would be nice to celebrate Christmas with them too.

Of the many big projects that I’ve pitched for, one pushed through and got approved and that will be good for this month and December. I’ll just do the work for it and I’ll be okay. I’ve got four more on the wings and if they get approved over time, I’ll be okay until the first half of the year, I’m guessing. Maybe longer, if I play my cards right.

I keep forgetting to have trust. That things will come. I’ve been very lucky that way and I’ve paid my dues and I’ve done the work and the jobs will come. I shouldn’t lose my cool and just have some sort of faith that things will push through and they have — always, consistently — and I’m going to be fine.

I’m always going to be fine.

But right now, I’m neck-deep in work. So much work and I’m overwhelmed and it’s really my fault. I panicked. I start to flail when I panic. And when you are out at sea, you don’t flail and lose your cool. You relax. You take a deep breath and you’ll end up floating. And then, the tide will take you to shore.

No, November isn’t being cruel. Cruel isn’t the word for what this month is like for me. It’s tough, for sure, and unrelenting is another word that feels apt. But not cruel. So many good things happened too.

I just have to be kinder to myself and I should have more trust. That’s it, really. Trust.