Month: May 2017

Bozeman’s Petra Academy announced today that it would be ending one of its most popular courses for the last ten years running. A spokesperson from the academy made public that it would regretfully close out ‘MMA: A Path To The WWE’. ‘We’ll be losing our instructor in one way or another. Mr. Gianforte will be in one of two places next fall when the course would normally be offered. We aren’t sure if he will be taking his seat in Congress or serving a maximum six month jail sentence for misdemeanor assault.’

Gianforte savagely attacked a journalist after being asked a routine question about the CBO’s report on the Trump health care plan. To no one’s surprise Gianforte was elected as Montana’s lone Congressman the next day. Jail time is unlikely given his relationship to the Gallatin County Attorney, local Sheriff and the fact that he donated $500,000 to Gallatin County for a new detention facility, ironically named ‘The Greg And Susan Gianforte Center for Redemption and Rehabilitation.’

According to the statement ‘He just had a way of teaching that really showed our students how to best use his techniques of picking out the smallest and most meek individual and then going from a dull blank stare to explosive rage without legitimate provocation. Our larger and less social students, particularly our more angry boys, gravitated to his course and excelled with practice. While we did experience a number of injuries, we believe that was minor compared to the success of our students.’

Petra, on Gianforte’s recommendation, will be adding a new course that will deviate from the physical education program. ‘Satanic Rituals in the Practice of Montana Law and Campaign Practices’ will be taught by the disgraced former Montana legislator and Gianforte attorney Art Wittich. ‘Art is incredibly adept at twisting the law and anyone’s words to his own advantage and defense. Our students have a lot to learn from him and our greatest hope is that Mr. Gianforte’s most loyal students will learn as much in this course and go on to practice law or better yet combine both teachings to become narcissistic political figures as well.’ said the spokesperson.

Hailing from New Jersey, Pennsylvania and California with a record of 0 and 1, fighting in the red, white and blue trunks- Greg The Grappling GOPer!!!!

Tired of that pesky federal government overreach? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

Ready for a new healthcare system that ignores the poor? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

Want to see those public lands closed off and sold? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

Had enough of the liberal media and the 1st Amendment? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

How about some of those high paying jobs for Montana that can’t be explained? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

What about all this transgender bathroom stuff? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

And how about some publicly funded private education that will finally exclude the disabled? Greg The Grappling GOPer is here!

Will Greg The Grappling GOPer continue on his losing streak to a record of 0 and 2 or will the Trump supporters rally for the body slam king and send him to Washington if he’s not convicted of a felony? We’ll all be watching from the edge of our seats!

May 25, 2017, 8pm. Montana’s special election will be in the bag and we can all go fishing again. And Memorial Day weekend is one day away: the unofficial start of summer. It’s been a nonstop slog of campaigning for well over a year and we all deserve a break from yard signs, phone calls, mailings, door hangers and TV adds. Fishing. The river rolling by. The water lapping up on the shores of the lake. Feel calm already?

The special election campaign has been heavily peppered with public lands sound bites, the Montana tradition of getting out in the woods to hunt or on the water to wet a line. Hell, even Greg Gianforte’s imported supporters took a break to enjoy all that Montana has to offer. Donald Trump Jr took to the field to harvest a few prairie dogs and tried his ‘skills’ in the water.

Vice President Mike Pence took advantage of the opportunity to enjoy some fishing as well. It’s got to be rough dodging every steaming pile your boss leaves behind. No doubt he was much in need of a little R and R while pandering to the already Gianforte faithful. Who could blame him?

‘He looked like every other fisherman who walks in the door’ said store owner Katy Martin when Pence stopped by. Well, except for one thing.

Pence and Trump Jr both went fishing. Only one of them bought a fishing license. Can you guess which one?

Campaigns are ugly. Anyone who’s crazy enough to jump in one needs to know that and anyone who’s pushing them needs to learn the art of vetting. Clearly the Montana Democratic Party and its principals have forgotten this art. Yet here we are with less than ten days until the polls close on a special congressional race and Rob Quist just grew a few more warts. From way back East comes a story with plenty of foul smelling and years old garbage. To Quist and his family, all apologies. Someone should have locked you in a box for a week and picked you to pieces while doing some intensive record searching. This isn’t entirely on you. Meet up with John Walsh for a beer when it’s all said and done.

Is it really that bad? Quist has herpes, so does two thirds of the world’s population. Quist smoked pot. Less than half the US population has smoked pot- liars! This shouldn’t come as a huge surprise, he was living on a bus and traveling to play music. And maybe his music career was going to take off and maybe it wasn’t. If only he could have been on ‘The Voice’ back then.

Back to the real problem. Party principals have now shown us their incompetence and inability to properly vet potential candidates as they continue to ride that merry-go-round of ‘same as it ever was’ and ‘this is what we’ve always done’. November has come and gone. The legislative session is over with no bonding bill. It’s time for fresh leadership to take control. It’s time for new blood. It’s time for the bold and the brave. Established party leadership has failed us and learned no lessons by the constant defeat. But the loss of Montana’s tier B races last November is the greatest example of all. Once you’ve finished Trump off with your torches and pitchforks be ready to turn them inward on the Democratic Party. Then again, you may not need to given the gasping for air and the death rattle in its throat.

But take heart. While you’re all wondering who will run for Governor in 2020 because there is no democratic bench of candidates and no grooming taking place, rumors are spreading. Word has it that Anthony Weiner is planning to establish residence in Montana in time to file. Weiner mentioned something about a call from Georgetown Lake. What could go wrong?