"So the next time somebody says that to me, I'm gonna say, 'OK, you can come over this Saturday and paint the garage. And while you're at it, bring a plunger. The upstairs toilet overflowed and there's shit all over the floor!"

I often marvel at the way Carlin sees things that most of us miss:

He asks, "Why is it that just before a death row convict is given a lethal injection, they swab his arm with alcohol?"