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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I CRY Every Day

I cry every day or almost every day eventhough it has been 2 years since it really sank in to me that she will probably not ever break this addiction. My mother and my mother in law also died two years ago. I loved them dearly. I think of them often but usually with pleasure not pain. I am sad they are gone but grief is mostly spent and I mostly think of them in fondness.

Beth said that I would have been better off if she had died in that car accident where she broke 6 vertabrae and was back to using 2 days later on her way home from the hospital. I told her to never believe that her dying would be better for me. Her death would be a lot worse for me. As long as there is life there is hope. That is what I told her.

That is what I told her but I wonder why I can not accept this and quit crying so much. I guess I will go back to Alanon tomorrow. It helps me to see other mothers deal with their pain and still have some semblance of joy in their lives.
I read Annettes words on her blog and they really help. I need to hear from people who have been dealing with this for years but have found some peace, some balance in their own lives.

How do you make the rest of your own life more normal when you have a loved one who seems like they will never see the light?

Don't get me wrong. I do not cry all day. It is usually just for a few minutes. I let the emotion come in and go out like a wave. Most of my days are productive in some way and all of my days contain some beauty, some humor, some pleasure. Maybe it is the best that I can do. I just do not know.

6 comments:

Oh Anna, I cry too. Everyday. And like you....its not long drawn out sobbing, but a few minutes of tearing up. Usually while I am alone and driving. It is sad to have a child who is so sick. I allow myself this. I too have come to a place of acceptance that my daughter may never get well, may never live a "normal" life. For me, acceptance of what is provides some relief. I don't know why. I can't explain....except I think it has to do with me stopping fighting. I'm not frantically trying to move a mountain anymore. I just accept that its there and I walk around it now. I take the good days as they come and on bad days, I leave. I choose not to participate in all of that. Watching drug behavior bothers me, so I don't do it anymore and I will be honest about it with her. "I love you honey. I'm not mad, but I can't watch when you are like this. I will see you soon." And I go home. We can find ways to cope and manage and be joyful....but life as we envisioned it will never be, as long as we have a child who is waffling in and out of this awful disease. Once I accepted that, I could get back to living. Hang in there....and cry all you need to!

Grief counseling helped. I had to go through the mourning process for the death of the child I birthed, to accept the stranger who lives in her body. I had to grieve for all my dead hopes and dreams in order to accept what is left. She is alive in body, but not the daughter I raised.

How do we make our lives normal? There is no easy answer, or any right way or wrong way. It is without a doubt a grieving process. I cry too, every day, but I think we need to allow ourselves to go through that. Tears are a release. Praying for you and your daughter.

Anna, perhaps there is no normal, not for anyone. Maybe we each have our burdens and some are more challenging than others. I realize that I found peace by going to meetings and working the steps. I learned to care but not to get so lost in caring about others that I completely would lose myself. And something else that helped me was to remember that others have a Higher Power and I'm not it. I am simply not that powerful.

About Me

I am in transition to retirement. I retired two years ago at age 55. At that time, I was emotionally recovering from a very hard patch. My mother, mother in law father in law and two very close friends all died within that year.
Now, I am 56 years old and working part time as an adjunct profesor. I am enjoying my semi-retirement.