Monday, July 13, 2015

Donald Trump vows to deport all space aliens

“Since aliens have invaded Earth in the 1940s, we’ve had several wars, Ebola outbreaks, the rise of ISIS, and Obamacare! They are hurting us! The universe is sending their worst beings to our planet. I say its time we send them back!”

Addressing an estimated crowd of 20 people, Trump said that his first act as President would be to sign an executive order shutting down all UFO Bases. “I want all 20,000 of you to know that nothing good has come from UFO bases like Clow. We can keep the airport running, but we need to bury the UFO base!”

Trump also launched a verbal attack against the Martian Colonists.

“Everyone says that we should be afraid of the Martians and that we should call them colonists. They say they can destroy the world in seconds. Well I say that’s not true! I don’t care what the experts say. I don’t even care what the facts say. I know that the Martians are weak! I know they can’t stand up to me. Mars belongs to us, not them. Once I’m in the White House, and will send them this simple message: You’re fired! Clean out your colonies and get out of our solar system.”

Trump also attacked Mayor Roger Claar.

“That man runs Clow UFO Base, and in my eyes that makes him a traitor! If he promises to shut it down, and run my Illinois campaign, I will pardon him. It’s an offer he can’t refuse!”

Despite the fact that a majority of residents either work for Clow, or have jobs related to alien activities, Trump was not worried about losing the Bolingbrook vote.

“I will win Bolingbrook. I will win it by a lot! Even Roger Claar will vote for me once I make a donation to his campaign fund!”

Oyolock, an expert on Interstellar Affairs, was appalled by Trump’s comments. “Our scientific exchanges with humanity helped you create the transistor and the microchip. You would still be using vacuum tubes if it weren’t for us. If you actually elected Trump, you could forget about humans being allowed off the planet again. The only things Trump can do well are make himself look smarter than reality show contestants and declare bankruptcy.”

Sources within the New World Order note that the President does not have the authority to shutdown UFO Bases. All UFO bases on Earth are fully or partly administered by the New World Order.

“We’re thinking about letting Trump win as part of a campaign to end democracy. The idea is we’d give him a year to run the country into the ground, then have the International Monetary Fund take over. Kind of like what we did to Greece.”

When reached for comment, Claar said he doubted that Trump would win the nomination.

“The Republican leadership and the Koch Brothers will shut him down if he takes this stunt too far. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing Trump is doing is making the eventual nominee look good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Weredog featured in WCIU commercials

Russia offers to bail out Illinois

Pluto Whale to vist Clow UFO Base in December

God to spare Bolingbrook this week.

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