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Monday, September 28, 2009

It's fucking game day. After about 6 hours of #68 tailgating, you and your bros are finally feeling a decent buzz, so you decide to make your way into the stadium. Obviously you got the tickets for free since your parents are loaded, not to mention your Dad said they are good seats too. They fucking better be or else there's no chance in Hell you're visiting your Grandma this weekend. You can tell from the tickets that they are in the fourth row, but it doesn't hit you until you get to your section exactly where you are - directly behind the visitors bench. It's fucking on. From here on out there will be no cheers for the home team. There will be no high fives for first downs or singing of the fight song for a touchdown. You quickly realize "I'm a bro and I'm drunk as shit - my team fucking needs me." Immediately you let out a tirade constantly repeating "Shit, cocksucker, fuck" intermixed with other inaudible words. A child starts to cry nearby - fuck him - if his parents didn't want him to hear this type of language they shouldn't have paid $500 for their seats at this 1pm football game on a Sunday. The players on the sideline are pretending to not pay attention to you, but you know they can fucking hear you, so you keep provoking them. Eventually, you must say something that really hits a nerve with the star running back and he yells something weak like, "Fuck you douche bag," back at you. Wrong move. I don't know if you knew this, but bros are the smartest people in the world, so never attempt to match wits with them. "Your mother snorted coke off my dick last night you piece of shit!" you reply. Thanks to an incredible coincidence, his mother just died last week. Talk about a jackpot! He charges the stands trying to fight you and actually makes it into the first row before stadium security tackles him. He gets ejected from the game. Chalk another one up for the good guys.

Bros are fucking amazing hecklers. Bros don't go to games to try to get their favorite star's autographs. They don't go to games to just sit there with their baseball glove and really really hope that a foul ball might come their way. They definitely don't go to games on #75 dates. Bros go to games to get fucked up and help their team succeed in any way they fucking can. If you think the best way to help your team is by cheering loudly, doing the wave, or knowing all the words to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," there is no place for you on this website. Google "what should I do when I get my period" and click on the first link. You gone? Good. Bros know the best way to help your team is by heckling the shit out of the other team. Here's a few ways you can become a better heckler and most importantly, a better bro.

Research - I really can't stress just how important this is, you really have to fucking do your research prior to the game. I don't care what you have to go on, whether it's the media guide, some shitty message board, some rumor your bro told you, whatever. Find the dirt. Anything family related is fucking clutch. Look for incidents with police, no matter how small. Even a traffic violation can make the player a thug. Make sure he knows he belongs in jail all night long. Fucking criminal. Or, say you find out the point guard on the other team has a retarded brother. That's fucking gold! After a few "Where is Corky?" and "Window Licker!" cheers he'll definitely be steaming.

Untouchable - Everyone already knows bros can't be arrested. It's a waste of every one's time. The cops realize just by seeing the bro that they have an uncle with a high powered law firm so they always just give him a warning. Realizing just how untouchable you are at a sporting event is one of the most important aspects of being a great heckler. No matter what you say, as long as it is against the opposing team, you can't be #40 kicked out. Not to mention the fact that if players try to fight back, they will be suspended and fined. Throwing objects at players is also cool as shit - especially if they get hurt.

Practice, Practice, Practice - I'm not going to sit here and tell you I became a good heckler or even a good bro overnight. It's not possible. This is why you have to tune up your game before you hit the big stage. The great thing about heckling is that it can be done anywhere. Don't live near any minor league teams or colleges? Fuck it - just get drunk as shit and head down to the local Little League field. Always make sure to pick the team with the bigger kids to "root" for because you know they are going to fucking dominate. Then survey the runt team for weaknesses and really lay into them. "Learn to use soap, you fucking Crater face!" and "Do you even have pubes??" are always winners. It's best if they have a girl on the team because they tend to crack easier. They always break down in tears when you give her shit about being a lesbian - which she definitely is. The mothers of the kids might try to get their husbands to fight you, but fuck them. Once they see you are a bro they'll slowly back away and get back to eating their cracker jacks and crying inside since they are married.

57 comments:

TSU Bulldog
said...

Heckling the shit out of Tyler and Ben Hansbrough in high school was definitely the sweetest heckle job me and my bros ever did. Yeah he might have been 6 inches taller than any of the players we had and dunked pretty much at will but it was still sweet holding up a giant poster board of his portrait next to Sloth from the Goonies. And when ever Tyler came to the free throw line you know he was going to hear some off color comments about his mother, grandmother, hot ass sister, and cunt girlfriend. The best was when his younger height challenged brother Ben tried to dunk on our end to shut us up and ended up absolutely hanging himself on the rim and falling flat on his back. Not running on the floor and stomping his stupid fucking face in was probably the most restraint I had ever shown.

Good post. I loved heckling at basketball games in high school because you knew damn well those pussys could hear you talkin shit loud and clear. 1st row was obviously the best and sometimes you got the occasional player to say someting back. Heckling an entire school was great too. We coincidently played Brophy Catholic school in the Semi's at the same time one of their Bishops got caught playing grab ass with little boys so we were chanting "Bishop O'Brian" the whole game.

On a side note... Refs are almost just as fun heckling at especially after bad calls.

me and my bro got tickets to a yanks game right on the wall of the oppossing bullpen so you know we planned ahead and picked up two 30 racks took the day off from work (since we are now out of college in the bro-hater that is society) and got completely smashed than proceeded to get there 2 hours early and crush more beers in the stadium and make fun of mark buerhle for looking like a down syndrome monkey and my bro made the most bro move of all... before buerhle left the pen to throw his first pitch my bro screamed "Jeter is going to bro you up and jack a homer run on the first pitch"... low and behold first pitch he smashed that ball like bros smashe sorostitutes on the reg. Later in the game we continued our broness by blacking out and having the cops tell us to quiet down as we were offending others. Did we stop? Fuck no, we told their relief pitcher that his kid was dying and he gave up a walk off home run when he came .... god i love being a bro

First time reader- gotta say i have enjoyed it a lot, esp this post. I used to write for a blog called thebeerlodge which talked about some of the things u guys talk about on this site

Heckling is a great american tradition that dates back to the days of the Boston Tea Party (one of the frattiest nights of all time). By using witty one-liners, bros can effectively get in the other teams head. Bull horns and loud speakers are also always great

As for the "cameron crazies" i gotta disagree with Gator Bro. Nothing about these guys says "bro" They wait outside the stadium for days to get duke bball tickets in their blue rugby shirts, and worst of all- Cameron Crazies are not allowed to say any "negative quotes". Seriously. They can only wave their arms in the air when another team shoots foul shots. Duke is easily one of the least bro schools in the country. Aside from that keep up the good work

And gator bro- tell Tebow to go easy on the hair gel I think its getting in his eyes when he throws

My favorite is picking out a player who is completely irrelevant and doesn't even get in. Just torment him and tell him his sister gave you head and takes it in the butt, for no reason. After a while, they flip out and it's funny as shit. It's also important to let them know they are not playing because they suck.

The Antlers are not bro material and I def don't give "bro-cred" to the Cameron crazies. Any pussy who stays up all night studying and doing research on players then comes to the stadium sober is not a bro. You should be rocking slam pieces the night before the game and crushing brews. You wake up, kick the babe out of bed, crush some adderall (or blow), kill another case then go in the arena and talk shit off the cuff. Mizzou and Duke probably are the two least bro schools in D-1.

I'm sure all the bros on this watched or heard about the USF FSU upset and if you didnt your probably a homo. Well being a USF fan i cant properly explain the amount of heckling that occured that entire day at Pot Bellies to anyone wearing FSU gear. Bros loving kicking fans when their down and making them feel like their even more worthless then before. It was a glorious day in Bro history. HELL YEA BROMERICA

There is nothing bro about the "Cameron crazies" whatsoever. Their name itself spells out bro hater. Don't even get me started on the fact that most of these "crazies" are nerdy Indians, Chinese, and ugly ass slam hogs--clearly non bro material. Their "tailgating" consists of sleeping/studying in tents. Go to maryland if you want to see a bro material fan base and heckling at it's finest.

I love heckling. I went to a basketball game last year in within the first minute of the game, the other team's point guard fell directly into our point guard- face to ass, then onto the floor. I'm talking nose in butt crack. FUckin sick, but funny as shit. Everyone kept calling him "Shit Face", "Bum Smeller", "Butt Lover", and "Turd Nose". It was funny as shit. The guy was thrown off his game the entire time, he sucked all because we heckled. And then our team won, it was a big game too, so heckling proves to be a successful strategy. Our team won, but only because of bros.

Best heckling job i've ever pulled involved pounding an opposing player's sister. Slam piece rode my express the previous week and when i found out her last name, I knew we'd fucking dominate on game-day. So the guy is the star running back, Parade All-American, ESPN 150 and all that shit. I was playing safety, so after every tackle I was able to get in, I let the bro-hater know how tight his slutty sister was and how we might need to split the abortion. Bro-hater was steamed but he was a pussy and we held his ass down to 45yds rushing.

I don't go to Duke. I go to Michigan state where we have a little thing called the Izzone. But you gotta give bro-cred to where bro-cred is due. Duke has the number 1 section in the country. Don't think otherwise.

When Matt Leinart knocked up that USC basketball chick, pretty much everyone (especially him) forgot about it because he is a bro, and who the fuck has time for babies when you're railing barely legal ASU slam pieces?

Well the BBall chick came back to the team the next season, and everyone in our section made sure she felt like shit. "What kind of lesbian mom are you?" "Did your baby get your ass or your ass-face?" "Leinart would say what's up but he doesn't know your name."

I usually find the better the tailgate, the better the shit talking. Hoops is definitely the best to heckle at. Make sure to remind gingers they have no soul and chant ginger all game. I would always see guys with ankle bracelets in high school... "freeze, police" before he shoots a free throw usually worked. If you happen to be blackout enough to find yourself at a Bra's sporting event, simply calling the whores ugly make them cry after long. And making bra's cry is the shit.

heckling is the shit. ive been heckling since i could remember. i really mastered it in highschool where i learned from my older brother. junior year in highschool i got banned from basketball games for yelling at a dad from the other team and telling him hes trailer trash and to meet me in the parking lot. then senior year it took me only 3 games to get banned from all winter sports for yelling calling a kid a fag during a free throw when it was all quiet. also nothing is better then yelling at the refs and saying "Im sorry I thought this was America" Basketball games are a great time for USA chants too.

First off, anyone who would attend a women's sporting event (an oxymoron, by the way) immediately loses any and all bro cred. Seriously, I think I'd rather watch my grandparents fuck.

Heckling other teams fans is the shit...and bonus bro points for pulling this off in the opposing team's stadium without getting yourself killed. I have made many a trip to Lambeau in Green Bay to cheer on my Vikes and talk serious trash about their redneck, paint thinner drinking fans and their sad, pathetic little town. For years the highlight was Moss mooning them while we were blowing them out of the playoffs, but we now have something even better to heckle their deuce-and-a-half asses for:

Naturally, I also have season tickets in Minneapolis...so you can better belive that I will be taking full advantage of the irony of ironies this Monday night - Brett Favre playing for the Vikes against Green Bay. FudgePacker crocodile tears will be shed and domestic violence in Wisconsin will spike to unprecedented levels....it is going to be fucking epic.

By the way, NYB...this site is the shit and mad respect to ya and all...but nice fucking team you got there in DC. Losing to the Detroilet Kittens should be enough to get y'all relegated to the Big East. LMFAO!

"anonymous": FUCK Mizzou. I went to the Illinois Mizzou bball game in St. Louis and was sitting right next to the "Antlers." First off what a homo name for a student section. I was blacked out yelling SUCK MY DICK the whole time to all of them and they didn't do shit. Not only did Illinois win, the bros I was with tossed a bottle we pissed in on them as we were leaving. I saw some girls crying and some guys tried to fight before they realized they would be pounded by the meat heads i was with. I think that was the recognition they deserved and I am proud as shit to be a bro.

You wouldn't do shit to anyone! Because you are not a bro! Which means you would back down! You would be scared! Have fun sitting in the stands and not playing the sport you stupid broser. Everyone knows the athletes are the bros! Fuckin loser. You suck. U of A sucks. How does it feel to be a shitty, sucky, homo? You would know.

On point Bro J Simpson. Barrooooooooo, you sound like the typical bro-hater. Getting pissed that you aren't a bro and lashing out through a computer screen. Don't mistake your World of Warcraft fantasies for real bro heckling SPORTS stories. Embarrassing, you undoubtedly own Chuck Taylor's and never participated in anything athletic.

Julie is most definitely not a slam piece. She is a swamp thing who keeps around lots of friends that would rival the creature from the black lagoon in hideousness. Julie, please go tell your fat dyke lesbian topper to strap that dildo back on and shove it in your mouth to keep you from spouting any more of your inane drivel on this board.

Julie-Whats the matter? Do Bros not give you the time of day (because you know you want to fuck one). Or does it just piss you off that you cant read this site without getting fucking wet. Anonymous is right, take you period somewhere else.

Julie, maybe you should read the intro post. This site is about our relgion, Brodom. You wake up every day, not hung over (which sucks because that's the best your gonna feel all day) and be thankful for what you have. Julie. Not us. We wake up every morning and slam advil with a beer and kick a slam peice out of our house and take what we want everyday.

I guess I could see that maybe in a bra world you think this may be a joke. But this is how we spend every moment of our lives. Every moment being way more kick ass then every other mother fucker that lives. Bros rule.

One of the best heckling experiences my bros and I had was at Game 1 of the 2007 Indians vs Yankees Division Series. Yeah, we demolished the yanks 12-3 but what is more important was the reaming we gave to Hideki Matsui. We got to the game an hour early (unusual for us as we usually sit and get slammed in the parking deck before the game) so we could get front row on the Home Run Porch in left field. We did our fucking research and printed a list of Japanese swear words out so we could call that son of a bitch a mother fucker in his native language. We fucked his world up - he went 0 for 4 and couldn't make a play on any of the 3 doubles down the left field line. Fuck you Yankees! Anyways, heckling is the best.

even fucking bros need to love heckling its the most american pastime next to getting hammered at parties i used to heckle a lot back at my high school but now the bro-haters have cracked down on it and they only "cheer for their own team" whats the point of going to games now seriously

After many hours of pregaming for a woman's soccer game at my college, aka an excuse to drink and watch organized keepaway, me and my bros grabbed some brews and sat behind the opposing team's keeper. After heckling the shit out of her, and her letting in the game winnning goal in brovertime, she cried and flipped us off and called us assholes. She recieved a post game red card having her miss the next game. It was a defining moment in my like.

I go to Iona College and me and my bros recently attended the basketball home opener. Not only did our heckling help our team win (we found out the star players moms name and chanted that shit all night) but we literally made one of the fans from BU cry. This pussy was dressed up as a hot dog....

Fellow bros i had the best heckle of my career at the Northwestern game this year. There was this kid on like Smu or somethin for college basketball and i would just yell his last nameOtis the whole game through out the stadium. But at half he put on his warm up because he was getting mad, i said "Otis just because your wearing a warmup doesnt mean i cant see you!" it was a performance to remember.

In High school we were playing against Martell Webster's team...if you guys don't know, his mom was a prostitute, a.k.a slam piece who was too nasty for bros to bang. She was murdered in 1991 by the green river killer...so of course, since being from an all boys school full of rich bros in training, we started chanting "GREEN RIVER, GREEN RIVER." He missed almost every shot and started crying. And since bros are untouchable Satan himself couldn't send us to hell.

In high school our student section was loud as fuck and we were right under the basket on one end of the court. We just built a brand new gym that was the best one in the area, despite having a historically shitty basketball team with a couple good year run previous to building this expensive yet awesome as fuck gym. We knew we sucked dick but we didn't give two shits. There were these two brothers on the other team a year apart and they were both uglier than fucking sin. We called them Shrek One and Shrek two, respectively. Anytime they got the fucking ball or made a basket or got salted on by us our entire student section would chant, "SHREK SHREK SHREK SHREK...!!" My senior year I decided to buy a white t-shirt, print off big pictures of SHREK, tape them to the t-shirt's front and back, and write Shrek's real last name on the back (Rolf). I also painted my face green and bought a big Shrek doll. I got there extra early and was dead center under the basket to make sure Shrek fucking heard me making fun of his grotesque, troll-like appearance. During the 2nd half when the younger Shrek was going to shoot a free-throw right in front of us, I threw the Shrek doll right in front of him as he was about to shoot. After a few fist pounds and raucous laughter, the fucking bro-hater administrators threw me out and threatened expulsion. Fucking bro-haters.

Our girls basketball team always played right before the guys. Since we had to be front row dead center, we'd go early and catch the end of the girls game. My bros and I would pick out the biggest, most disgusting girl and yell "Hey....the boys game isn't until 7:30!" Making girls cry and heckling at the same time...doesn't get any better than that.

My school was all rich white boys, so naturally we sucket at basketball. But you better believe that not one team looked forward to playing us while my bros and I were there. Every time we were about to lose, we'd just bust out the "S-A-T Scores" chant or "We're going to college" or whatever other racist shit we could think of.

Also, every single team will have that one short, runt of a player. He needs to be singled out as "mugsy" for the entire game and shat on for being so small. Fucking midgets. Bros are the shit

i love to heckle at all sporting events especially college basketball. some of my favorites are getting tickets right behind the visitor bench and screaming and cursing out the coach the entire ame. if you can get in his head you head your team is much closer to victory. also yelling at the last player on the bench, especially during time outs when th team is meeting on the floor is great. let him know that he wil never see a minute and that nothing the coach or team is saying concerns him. i was almost thrown out once for alleged racism which was clearly me broing too hard. a fav for the other team wrote on her shirt in the same color as the shirt herself. the shit happened t be brown and she was african american so maybe "brown on brown are you kidding me you cant see shit" wasnt the best choice of words.

In college a team my school was playing was stupid enough to post "fun facts" about their players on the teams website. Well one of the "fun facts" on their best players profile was "likes to spend time with his girlfriend Erika" Me and my bro's obviously took this and ran with it....we started off slow, just chanting her name during warm ups, then as the game progressed it turned into "Erika's Ugly" followed by "Erika's a Whore" and finally we finished the day off with our entire student section chanting "WE FUCKED ERIKA" This lead the bro hater on the floor to turn to our student section and give us the signal to stop it....yea what the fuck do you think 2,000 piss drunk college bro's did....bro's rule.

Earlier this year in College basketball, my school was playing Notre Dame. This was clearly a great opportunity to heckle. I don't know how familiar some of you are with their roster, but besides having Luke Harangody: Ben Hansbrough, brother of Tyler is on their team. Clearly Tyler had a remarkable career at UNC and Ben will never match older brother. I took huge advantage of this. Saying things such as "What's a matter Ben parents didn't love you enough as a kid?", "You're parent will never love as much as they love Tyler" and "Ben your the bad son" clearly got to him. Of course we won. Also the previous year a UConn basketball player failed a drug test. Now of course everyone in the mother has smoked weed, but when it gets made public that you failed a drug test, 'Oh it's on.' Every time this guy went to the foul line "your a pothead" was heard from all ends of the arena. Classic.

I go to an all bros school in san antonio texas. you know we do this shit all the time. One time this bro hater wanted to donate money to us so he came to my lax game. lets just say because of our student section of bros, no money was donated.

i always good to start a "hellen keller" chant at the refs whenever they make a bad call. you are respectfully letting them know they are blind and do not have any business refereeing a college basketball game