Dating Advice #101 - Break-up Lessons

The crash-and-burn of his first long-term courtship is full of important lessons for the future.

I just ended an 8-month courtship with my girlfriend. When we first dated, she was perfect and I thought we would have been engaged by now. We had our problems in the very beginning, and went through several short-term break ups. But we kept rekindling, thinking something was going to change.

She was jealous of me, not trusting, and had the ability to turn everything around on me. There were incidents in my past (involving dating) that bothered her. She told me about her past and sometimes I thought she would make up stories just to get me jealous. We would usually get along fine for 2 or 3 days before we had a big fight. Every day, some little thing bothered her and I just got used to it. I began to think that she would start fights just to see if I cared enough to fight back. I told her I loved her, called when I said I would, and welcomed her friends and family.

I suppressed all the negative stories and warnings I received from people saying that I should stop dating her.

I miss having someone in my life, and I was in love with her, and part of me still is. I would like to reconcile, but I know that is impossible.

I have sought out the advice of my friends and family, they have all said to make a clean break and end contact. I haven't seen or spoken to her in a week. Some days are easy and others are hard. The thought of her with someone else disturbs me and I don't know why. Maybe I am being selfish. For me being 28, she was my first real love.

I am trying to chalk the whole thing up as a learning experience and move on, but part of me feels I shouldn't. Any suggestions?

Dirk

Dear Dirk,

The advice that you received from family and friends is right on the mark. When a courtship is over, the best thing to do is make a clean break, give yourself some time to grieve, and move on in your life.

Even though it is counterproductive to constantly look back at this and think about "what might have been if...", there are many ways that you can learn from this experience. In your case, we believe that the most important "lesson" you can take with you is that if a date requires a great deal of repair work from the outset, it isn't meant to be.

Certainly, everyone needs to invest time, effort and emotional energy into their developing courtship, and they will undoubtedly encounter issues they need to resolve. But for the most part, their courtship should be an enjoyable one and should not filled with arguments, anger, mistrust and breakups, or require the assistance of a therapist or counselor to help it "jell."

The courtship you described with this woman fits a pattern that many couples experience. They are instantly attracted to each other, but as time goes on they see that they aren't as good a fit as they originally thought. Usually, it's because their values or goals are not in sync, or their personalities aren't really compatible. Or, it can be that one of them has a serious negative character trait that becomes apparent later on (or that the other person tried to ignore at first but eventually realized that he or she could no longer do so).

This touches on another "lesson" that we hope you can gain from your experience. Some people may perceive a problem in a friend's or relative's dating pattern that will adversely affect the way things turn out. The friend or relative may be so blinded by infatuation that they either cannot see the problem or pretend it doesn't exist. Most people are reluctant to interfere with a budding romance.

So here's what you need to remember: When someone does voice a concern, they generally have a strong reason for doing so. Sure, if just one friend or family member whose judgment you trust voices concern it may be that they simply do not get along with your date, or that there are issues such as jealousy, rivalry, etc. at play. However, if two or three people voice their concerns, it's a good idea to look closer at your dating and see if the point is a valid one.

Aside from the painful "lessons" of this experience, there is something positive you can take with you. Before you were dating this woman, you may have wondered if you were capable of developing a loving relationship. Now you see that you can fall in love, that you have the insight and ability to improve a courtship, and that you are ready for commitment.

In the near future, we hope that you meet a woman whose goals, values and personality are compatible with your own, and that the two of you enjoy a courtship that blossoms into a loving, enduring marriage.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 15

(15)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2010 5:19 AM

i am sorry

suely she'll regret what she is doing.Sad to say,i can put my self in her shoe.i am exactly that kind of girl.Many a times we do things without realizing what we are really doing.I thought i was doing the correct thing but now,here i am,regretting my stupid actions.I am really depressed not knowing what to do cause for one thing I know i have 100% of the faullt for my breakup.So don't worry,i know she suffrs more than you do.Experience talks.She just needs time and you'll see!!!

(14)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2008 10:06 AM

i remember reading somewhere that the most successful couples are more alike than you would think. the thought of "opposites attract" doesnt always work in the world of relationships. i didnt believe this at frist, but after my last relationship, i do. he thrived on conflict and he represented the polar opposite of me so of course i was attracted to him. the problem, though, was that every conversation felt like a spat/fight/or worse. he told me that conflict, to him, is a normal part of life. the conversations that we had that i hated, that i felt were filled with conflict were just like normal conversations for him. its weird; i still miss him. and we had our on again, off again times. but im trying really hard to end it for real this time. and this post has helped me to understand that i really DO need to end it.

(13)
Evelyn,
February 28, 2007 12:55 PM

The hardest thing to do.

I'm going through the same thing. I love my boyfriend, but it seems like we aren't compatible. I'm just keep hoping things get better. If they don't then I know now what I have to do.

(12)
Zach,
February 5, 2007 4:52 PM

same thing.. :(

same thing was happoning to me, but she didnt see the reason to continue dating. im leaving for the air force in april so..she figured it would be best to break my heart now so i have several months to think about it. She still wants to be friends and in a way i do too because i feel like after awhile it might work. i guess i really dont know what i want, but as long as theres someone.

(11)
Lee,
August 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Wow...that is so what I am going through right now..except my boyfriend dumped me..Im just so scared I w/ill never meet someone who was a great as he was... =(

(10)
Nicole Nater,
May 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Wow

OMG you do not know how well this story relates to my life right now. And i'm going to take the advise to the fullest. Thank you so much.

(9)
victoria,
November 8, 2005 12:00 AM

Intresting! :)...

I liked the advice and the stroy it taught me what i was waiting to learn... thanx :)

(8)
Jessie,
July 6, 2004 12:00 AM

WOW

I cant believe how much that helped me in a way. but what Rosie & Sherry said is totally right!

(7)
,
July 15, 2002 12:00 AM

Try to move on

It sounds like there were problems in this relationship and this girl that Dirk couldn't handle. He may love her, but it didn't help then, and it won't help now. Love does NOT conquer all.

Dirk, as long as you don't let go of your feelings for her, you're missing out on opportunities to meet women who will be better for you. It won't be easy, but you have to move on.

(6)
Anonymous,
July 7, 2002 12:00 AM

Yes, many do need a reason to get married

As someone commented earlier.
Shouldn't one have a reason to get married and not just do it for lack of anything better to do?
Marriage is not objectively better than any other way to live, and it is not for everyone. If more people realized this, a lot of pain could be avoided.

(5)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2002 12:00 AM

wrong breakup

Twenty five years ago,my husband and I broke up our engagement.Eventually we got together and with pre-marital counseling became reengaged.Today we are very happily married with a large wonderful family.I would hate to think what we would have lost if we had not given it another chance.To all those out there who are experiencing a broken relationship,I highly recommend giving the relationship another chance.You may be passing up the love of your life.

(4)
Anonymous,
July 4, 2002 12:00 AM

What's wrong with trying to reconcile?

I think that if a person is mature enough to enter into a relationship then
that person should possess the maturity to decide on their own and not listen to friends advice.It is our heart that guides us in relationships.It should be that same heart that tells us what to do.If Dirck has second thoughts he should try to reconcile.It is never too late.It sounds as if he misses her and he should do what his heart tells him to do.If one doesn't try to reconcile then they will always wonder if perhaps it could have worked.Some can never live this down.Dirck,Let your heart lead the way.

(3)
Anonymous,
July 4, 2002 12:00 AM

I tend to agree with the advice given that you should stop contact all together with this girl. Im also 28, and 6 months ago I went through a broken engagement of a relationship which lasted over 3 years, and the best thing you can do to help you move on is to cease any contact with your ex.

My ex also use to start fights at any smallest cause, which I just got used to and learned to live with, but looking back now I can see that a relationship plagued with fights and arguements is definately not a healthy way to live. I would listen to advice from friends and family who can give an unbiased opinion.

Just remember that one day you will find a very kind, sweet girl who will make you appreciate the fact that your previous relationship did not eventuate into marriage. And things will definately get better over time!

(2)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2002 12:00 AM

Useful service to singles!

It almost seems as if young people today need a reason to get married! Some certainly could use some counseling. Therefore your question and answer format is very useful.

(1)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2002 12:00 AM

I empathize with and would like to send support to Dirk

Dear Rosie and Sherry:

The link to this page was interesting to me as I too recently broke up a 8-9 month relationship. It sounded exactly like the young fellows, except we were engaged and had that broken as well.

The relationship was crash and burn. We were to polar opposites (hence the attraction) yet there were serious things I kept trying to overlook, which like you say, eventually you can't ovelook, and they can't change.

It is almost two months (I broke up with him in April) and I do agree that the best way is to move forward and have no contact with your ex. In time, you will learn to love again, and hopefully, the next one will be the right one, (or at least a better relationship then the past). Best of luck, and just know that others are out there with similar stories. :) AZ36

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...