December 1999  Jennifer Lopez has allegedly insured the world's best-looking ass for a cool billion dollars, so now we can all rest easy. I, for one, was doing my share of tossing and turning in the evening's wee hours just considering what life would be like if something inauspicious should happen to Jennifer's sweet protuberant behind. They can take the Mona Lisa and drain bacon on it for all I care, just don't mess with Jennifer's two rear globes  they're national treasures, baby. Put 'em on the stock market, they'll make Amazon.com seem like a lemonade stand.

Okay, truth be told, it was not only Lopez's buttocks, but her entire body that was recently insured for one billion, according to the London Sun and the New York Post.* In fact, the Post was so kind to break it down body part by body part. Hips: One million. Legs and Ass: Four hundred million (per pair). Brain: ten dollars. The Post, in its infinite wisdom, stated her breasts have been insured for 200 million dollars, and then went on to add that this figure is also the current asking price for four B-52 bombers. And these guys wonder why women can't relate to them.

Apparently, the 29-year-old Bronx-born superstar takes enormous pride in her prominent buttocks. "I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge," she says. I mulled this statement over for a few minutes and finally decided that if Jennifer ever did pursue a career in food service, she should probably put her pride aside and just use a tray like all the other waitresses. Serving a cup of joe by perching it on your backside may be a neat trick but it's got to slow down the service, after all is said and done.

So what is Jennifer and her billion-dollar ass up to these days? Well, for one thing, she will soon be starring in a Warner Brothers release, "Angel Eyes," about a female cop who consoles a man following the death of his wife and son. Featured dialogue is rumored to include lines such as, "Don't feel bad about your recent loss. Concentrate on my ass instead. I just insured it for 400 million dollars."

Furthermore, she is reportedly engaged to rap star Sean Puff Daddy Combs. The big day is slated for next year. Sources have it that, for the ceremony, Puff Daddy plans to sample the "Wedding March," add his name to the writing credits and make more money than he has by stealing hooks from all the previous artists he's ripped off to date. Between that and the mother lode brought in by Jennifer's derriere, the happy couple should be able to get by for years to come.

*Editors note: Jennifer Lopez has since claimed that the London Sun and New York Post reports were untrue.