How to be an ally

1. Understand your privileges

This means learning what you might gain from homophobia, biphobia and transphobia—even if it’s challenging. Uncovering your own buried homophobia, biphobia or transphobia can be painful, but doing this helps you make better choices and live in line with your values.

Ask yourself—

What do I believe about LGBTQ communities? Are some of these beliefs stereotypes?

How does cis or straight privilege show up in my life? How does it benefit me? How do I feel about that?

For example: A cis woman of colour might experience the same microaggressions as some trans women do, for example about being pretty for a brown or trans woman. Still, no one questions if she’s really a woman.

Do I assume someone’s gender based on their appearance? If so, how? Do I make assumptions based on the gender binary, for example, that all men have penises or that women have higher voices or less facial hair?

When you want to ask an LGBTQ friend a question, pause and ask yourself:

Why am I asking this question?

Is my question pushy, rude or upsetting?

Would I ask a cis or straight person the same question?

Could I Google it instead?

Am I leaving my friend the choice to not answer? For example, you might say: “It’s okay if you don’t want to answer me, but I was wondering—” or, “I don’t want to be rude, so let me know if this out of line—”

It can be frightening to witness a verbal or physical attack against someone. Here are some tips on how to keep everyone as safe as possible.

"I work in security with a lot of straight cis males and sometimes I am the only female in the room. This can make it hard to speak out—especially when someone makes a 'joke' about 'trannies' or 'he-shes' and the whole room is laughing when I’m not. When I was asked if I found the joke funny, I stuck with what I believed in, even if that meant the guys didn't like me or were offended that I didn’t find their offensive 'joke' funny . I shot that shit down immediately and said "no, it wasn't funny actually." They responded by saying, "Don't worry we're not homophobic we're just playing around." Because I stuck up for what I thought was right, they think I have no sense of humor. But In my opinion how funny could it really be if people don't understand how hurtful it is?” – Rouchelle F

4. Take responsibility when you mess up

We all mess up. Remember, straight/cis privilege means that we might not always see the ways that we experience privilege. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it. Learn from your mistake and be open to getting feedback. Being humble goes a long way.

6. Get support

Noticing your straight or cis privilege might bring up feelings like guilt, shame, defensiveness, hopelessness and fear. All of these feelings are okay! Talk about these feelings with other straight or cis people, not with LGBTQ people. LGBTQ people have a lot on their emotional plates already and helping you feel better might be a lot of work.

​7. Change your language

Shift your words so they're LGBTQ-inclusive. Use the language that people use to describe their own identity and their relationships, or ask how they would like to be referred to. Here are some ways to use gender-neutral language.

Surgery doesn’t change a person’s gender, only their body. A person can be trans without having surgeries, so try to use language that focuses on how surgeries can be affirming rather than essential to trans identity.

Men and women, brothers and sisters, boys and girls

People of all genders, everyone, folks, siblings, children

Use language that includes all genders to be inclusive of trans and non-binary people.

Opposite sex

Another sex

Sexes aren’t opposite, since there are more than two.

8. Use the right pronouns

Pronouns are words that take the place of nouns. For example, if you’re talking about your friend Jordyn, you might say “she” or “her,” instead of saying “Jordyn” or “my friend.” Some people, including many genderqueer, genderfluid, agender and bigender people, prefer to be referred to by gender-neutral pronouns.

Two of the most common gender-neutral pronoun sets are:

They/them: they smiled, I called them, their cat purred, it’s theirs, they like themselves.

It can feel tricky using pronouns you’re not used to, but it gets easier. Practice out loud. E.g. “This is Jordyn, they’re really cool. I love their hat.” Check out this awesome game where you can practice pronoun grammar!

If a friend changes the pronouns they use, check in with them about when and where it’s safe for them to use those pronouns. For example, a person might use they/them pronouns with their friends, but prefer he/him pronouns at work and at home.

If you use the wrong pronoun for somebody, apologize and move on. Admit that you messed up, but don’t make it into a big deal.

What not to do as an ally

1. Don’t out LGBTQ people

Don’t tell anyone (including other LGBTQ people) that a friend identifies as LGBTQ unless your friend has told you it’s okay. Being outed may be dangerous for them. Even if your friend is out to a lot of people and in most places, it’s always safer to not disclose unless they give you explicit consent.

2. Don’t take on allyship as an identity

Being an ally is something you do, not something you are. The danger of thinking or saying you are an ally rather than actingas an ally is that it may become an excuse to avoid looking at your own hurtful behaviour—for example, telling people, “I’m an ally, so I can’t be transphobic!” True allies know they are sometimes transphobic, homophobic or biphobic and they stay aware of and accountable for that behaviour.

3. Don’t expect praise for being an ally

Nobody should get rewarded with praise or fame for doing what everyone should be doing in the first place. Allies aren’t in it to prove how awesome they are, they simply do the work to help make the world better.

4. Don't act like an expert on LGBTQ rights

LGBTQ people are disadvantaged in society because they often have less access to resources and power. If a straight or cis person takes the spotlight for LGBTQ rights, that makes the power imbalance worse.

Allies need to affirm that LGBTQ people are the experts on LGBTQ experiences. Allies use their privilege to grab the microphone and pass it on to LGBTQ people. The role of the ally is behind the scenes. If your GSA is having an event and you’re an ally, rather than hosting it, you could put up the posters, respond to mean or phobic social media posts and help with fundraising.

5. Don’t bail when things get rough

LGBTQ people have no choice but to deal with oppression. Allies get to choose how and if they want to intervene. It may be hard to speak out, but don’t retreat. When the stakes are high, you actually have the most influence.

​6. Don’t distance yourself from other straight or cis people because you’re “woke af”

Challenging other straight or cis people is a big part of your job as an ally because they may listen to you more than to LGBTQ people. Unlearning oppression is a life-long task that you don’t graduate from.

7. Don't make it about you

If you’re taking up space with your feelings, then LGBTQ people have less space to talk about their feelings and experiences. Your feelings are real, but talk to other cis or straight people when you’re hurting. Allies support one another. Here are some not-so-great examples of allies centring their feelings:

“It’s not fair that you’re telling me that I’m hurting your feelings. What about my feelings?”

"After my friend noticed that I changed my pronouns on Facebook, she asked me if I wanted her to use them too. I felt really supported in that moment, but after that I haven’t really felt much follow-through. She continues to use the wrong pronouns, she speaks to LGBTQ issues where she shouldn’t and she tells me she’s uncomfortable when I talk about LGBTQ issues because it feels like I’m criticizing her. When I try to explain how she could be more supportive, she tells me I’m alienating her as an ally. She talks about being the token straight person in my group of friends and says she understands LGBTQ issues, but I really need her to be more active. I need to know that even if I don’t communicate something nicely enough she’s not going to betray me and my friends." - Maya

TL;DR

Allies work on themselves. They reflect on their straight or cis privilege, learn LGBTQ-inclusive language and pronouns, and take responsibility when they make mistakes.

Supporting LGBTQ people means:

Being in front of them to intervene during homophobic, biphobic or transphobic attacks.

Being beside them to support their feelings when things are hard.

Being behind them when they speak as experts on their own lives and experiences.

Being an ally is something you do, not something you are. Allyship requires action.