Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #32

TITLE: Gold
GENRE: Women's Fiction

Adelaide Burke is a feisty electrician, and part-time car burglar, who cons her way into a job as a high stakes banker only to get caught in the middle of a money laundering scam. To stay out of jail, Adelaide needs evidence and that means dodging the Feds and breaking into a Swiss vault – all while surviving her love life.

11 comments:

This has great personality, but too many details. I think the second sentence is probably what your book is about, but I'm confused by "needs evidence". Needs evidence of what? What, specifically, does she need to find in order to stay out of jail? I can tell your book will have great voice. Good luck!

I came here to leave a tiny nitpick to maybe remove the first commas "Adelaide Burke is a feisty electrician and part-time car burglar who cons her way into a job as a high stakes banker -- only to get caught in the middle of a money laundering scam."

Because otherwise it's pretty much amazing and I'd read it already. Good luck! :D

Lots of great detail here...a little too much for a logline. Try and pare down your first sentence, a couple adjectives may need to go. In fact, I'd be tempted to make it two sentences and start a new one: "When she gets caught..." (That would allow you to cut your "stay out of jail" line.)

Agreed, "evidence" is vague. Evidence of what? You also can probably find a better verb than "surviving" for her love life. Something that hints a little more at what's going on there. Or, if you pared enough, you could use a short sentence to say how her love life complicates everything.

Lots of personality in this logline and quite a career path! I was thinking the evidence was about who was actually doing the money laundering. If her high stakes banker job meant she had to do money laundering--plausible if she does things like steal cars--then I'm not sure what the evidence is. This definitely sounds like a fun story!

This would be stronger if the set up incited the goal (to stay out of jail). After that, you need to show the connection between this goal and what she must do to achieve it. As written, it is not clear what this evidence is or why it will keep her out of jail for something she is clearly guilty of doing. Same comment about the Swiss vault. How is committing a crime keeping her out of jail?

This sounds like a fun romp! I think you have a hilarious premise. The conflict is clear, as are the stakes.

You might have a log line that needs less info rather than more. I question why she needs to dodge the feds while collecting evidence. In a plea deal, couldn't she work with the feds? Could you just leave that out? Or maybe she's trying to prove her innocence?

My (admittedly vague) concept of women's fiction is that romance is not required. Because the love life clause is an awkward add-on, would you consider leaving that out, too?

You might also consider dropping her name to simplify the concept, log line fashion.

One last thing--do you really mean car burglar? She steals what's inside, not the car itself? (I'm okay with car burgling--I just question it because I've never heard of it.) Maybe you could leave it at burglar.

Okay, I am a little confused. I assumed from what is written that she was part of the money laundering scam, seeing how she's a criminal of all kinds. So, what does she need evidence of, and how will that help her? If she's not guilty of that crime, I think that needs to be clearer.

Also, I'd think, given she's clearly guilty of multiple crimes, and now under investigation, that her love life isn't the biggest threat she faces. So, for me, that addition undermines any tension established.