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There is No F**king Secret: Part Two

just your average Tuesday in Kelly’s world. image source: perezhilton.com

More letters from Ms. Kelly O:JACK OSBOURNE

I know I say this all the time, but imagine if that guy were your DAD. image source: giphy.com

This is another generic letter about Jack being the best little brother and father to his daughters ever, blah blah blah. Tell us what really happened with Christina Aguilera! Or if he still loves the McRib as much as he used to. One interesting thing she did reveal is that he has been sober since he was SEVENTEEN, which is some straight Drew Barrymore shit. Good for Jack. That also makes me horrified that they went through all of the fame nonsense SO YOUNG. Who can claim that they would have handled ANY sort of fame well in your teen years?!

Anywho, Kelly loves Jack and he is a good dude. The end.

JOAN RIVERS

YAAASSSSSSS! image source: mtv.com

I never really thought much of Joan Rivers until I watched her documentary Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work and learned how much of a trailblazer/badass she was for women in comedy. Kelly knew her for most of her life- the Osbournes’ first time on tv as a family was on Joan’s talk show when Kelly was six. Kelly and Joan worked together on Fashion Police, I show I know existed but I don’t think I ever watched. Melissa Rivers (Joan’s daughter and constant companion/work partner, much to the chagrin of many I am sure), whom Kelly says they called “Missy” (seems fitting… I have a lot more of an opinion of Melissa Rivers than I realized!), wouldn’t allow any of the panel members to talk between shows so the jokes would be fresh and the banter real. So Joan and Kelly set up secret email accounts so they could chat (Missy seems like a real pain in the ass TBH). Joan taught Kelly things like “dump mini vodka bottles on plane toilet seats to disinfect them” and other legit shit so I must say, I actually liked this letter best so far. Some anecdotes vs. just listing general superlatives (BEST MOM EVER!) certainly helps me pay more attention.

OZZFEST

so existential, ozzy. image source: theodesseyonline.com

I must admit, I know very little about Ozzfest beyond what we saw on The Osbournes one million years ago and one article from my high school newspaper written by my friend Jam Hands entitled: OZZFEST: Not for Yo’ Mama. Can you imagine a “fest” based around your dad? Mine would be people in collared shirts and khakis, watching insane amounts of WWII programming and wishing they could still chain smoke. And everyone would go home super early.

I assumed Ozzfest is mostly filled with the JNCOS wearing goth types of my youth, head banging and talking about Slayer. I think I am right. However, Kelly had a grand ol’ time growing up on the road, attending concerts and hanging out with roadies and band members. She does say that the lead singer of Lost Prophets (who was revealed to be an enormous and disgusting pedophile) was a fucking creep and she hates his fucking guts. Amen, Kelly O.

LONDON

and now I can’t get “I’m No Good” out of my head. rip amy. image source: giphy.com

I actually loved this letter- Kelly returned to her homeland when she was 19 and the reality show was over. She yearned for somewhere, anywhere but Los Angeles, and found solace in going back to her roots. Basically, she lived with random friend who were in bands and went to insane sounding parties at garages with Bjork playing with people like Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss while doing jobs like hosting a 1 hour a week radio show on the BBC. SIGN ME UP.

CHATEAU MARMONT

man I wish it were still 2007. I bet LiLo does too. image source: giphy.com

This letter is much much better in the audio version (I am guessing) because you get to hear Kelly’s Valley girl impression. Basically, Kelly has a love-hate relationship with the LA mainstay. It’s where Belushi overdosed and where Lindsay Lohan has been kicked out for life. I have been there once and was wearing a terrible mom outfit (in my defense, I was on vacation with my two year old and didn’t know I would be going out with my brother while my husband stayed home) BUT I did fall off a bar stool, so I got it half right.

ANYWAY, Kelly overhears some awful garbage person say things like “omggggg let’s go to Paris! My dad will pay” and “Like, where is my next Bellini?” IT IS AMAZING. A+, Kelly O.

FRIENDS

bffffffffffffffffff. image source: tumblr.com

Um, this was kind of boring. Kelly loves some of her friends and has ditched those that are bad friends. GOOD ADVICE! The end. One time she did drug her male BFF that didn’t do drugs because she thought it was funny, but now realizes how fucked up that is. Okay…. hopefully we do better with the next batch of letters.