LOST IN TRANSLATION

At Sherwood Manor on Tuesday evening, Lord Tim was enjoying his usual dinner of a mild cheddar sandwich on white bread, followed by a mild beef stew, washed down with a pint of mild pulled from the special pump he had installed in his kitchen last year, when news came in from Tottenham. Alas for England’s most English Englishman, it wasn’t that Daniel Levy had realised the error of his ways and called back the bestest manager Spurs had ever been fortunate enough to have, but that one of these people from the country called Foreign had been appointed instead. And given Mauricio Pochettino, the Foreignman in question, had managed his Southampton side to a lower league position than Tim at Spurs last season, Sherwood might be forgiven for thinking Levy was specifically trying to annoy him. Which, as recruitment policies go, is certainly more sensible than some of the other wheezes the Tottenham head honcho has come up with.

Still, while Tim will be crying into his Kingsmill and Cathedral City, the chap the Fiver really feels sorry for is a young man by the name of David Salas, who will now presumably be out of a job. Salas has been a feature of your TV schedules for some time now, appearing as Pochettino’s translator in broadcast interviews, and enormously irritating those who would wonder why this interloper couldn’t speak-a-the-English, even though he really could, but just chose not to in public for fear of being misinterpreted. Salas will surely not be required now, because while you can get away with a tactic as sneaky, underhand and just plain foreign as ‘wishing to make yourself understood in the clearest manner possible’ at little old Southampton, that lightning rod for condescension out there on the merry old seaside where everyone seems to be having a lovely time, that sort of thing will not fly at big bad urban Tottenham, where expectations are cripplingly high, hope goes to perish and absolutely nobody smiles.

“In Mauricio I believe we have a head coach who, with his high-energy, attacking football will embrace the style of play we associate with our club,” waffled Levy about the 1,057th manager he has hired at White Hart Lane, charging Pochettino with the task of getting that faulty Erik Lamela and that malfunctioning Roberto Soldado to work in a manner neither Tim nor André Villas-Boas could.

It’s a bright new world at Spurs, but things might be considerably darker at Southampton. Pochettino is apparently keen to take Adam Lallana with him, which might be just the start of a fairly rapid cupboard cleaning at St Mary’s, since Luke Shaw, Jay Rodriguez, Morgan Schneiderlin, Francis Benali, Martin Chivers, Sammy Saint the mascot dog, that deformed statue of Ted Bates and an old fried egg sandwich that Paul Sturrock left out in the canteen are all targets for other clubs this summer. All that will be left is Rickie Lambert, Artur Boruc’s prayer book and some chirping crickets, the rest being a barren hellscape where no human dare tread. Sort of like The Road, but with slightly more modern facilities.

Still, back at Spurs, they’re throwing out the mild cheddar and getting a job lot of sardo in, pouring the London Pride down the drain and stocking the fridge with Quilmes, putting all the cans of English corned beef in a big sack and replacing them with cans of Argentinian corned beef. It’s a new dawn, which of course is guaranteed to go much better than the 10 other new dawns that have come in the last 13 years. Definitely. For sure. Don’t you worry about that sunshine. 100%. Nailed. On.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

FIVER LETTERS

“I read yesterday’s Fiver with the usual feeling that I would never see the time I spent doing so again, but was unusually mildly irritated (rather than the more common Just Plain Bored) by your failure to capitalise ‘our brave boys’. An apology would be gratefully received, not least for me wasting twice as much time writing this as I wasted reading the article; a prize would be even better” – Pete Brown.

“So Noble Francis made a clean sweep with three letters printed and also vanquishing all competition (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I will resist the temptation of asking which of his letters won the prizeless letter o’ the day. However, may I suggest that the letter of the day is forthwith known as the Noble Prize?” – Robert Darby.

“I hope you realise that by printing letters all from people named Noble Francis you have created a Spartacus-shaped problem for yourselves as you now have to establish which Noble Francis wins letter o’the day. Perhaps you could invite them all to Fiver Towers, dressed as Spartans, and they can fight over it” – Mark Judd.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service “for interesting people” in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren’t having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

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BITS AND BOBS

Holland’s Rafael van der Vaart has been ruled out of the World Cup due to calf-knack.

Atlético Madrid have agreed to sign teenage forward Angel Correa from San Lorenzo. “The young footballer is known for his speed, talent and ability,” cheered Atléti in a statement that left many pondering exactly what difference there is between “talent” and “ability”.

Sunderland have signed West Brom right-back Billy Jones on a four-year contract. “I knew I was signing for a massive club,” roared Jones, whose other signing-on fees included a set of gigantic tees, a huge glove and a box of enormous balls.

STILL WANT MORE?

“This seems an entirely reasonable and fair list based, as it is, on the views of 40 experts who, you know, might just know a thing or two” is just one of the many comments you won’t have seen on our rundown of the greatest World Cup players. On Tuesday we gave you No100-61 on our list of the greatest World Cup players. Today it’s 60 through to 21.