Secret sex questions revealed

It's how we make babies but sex is also important to deep, intimate relationships. Curtin University sexologist Amanda Lambros believes skin-on-skin contact and intimate social connections with other people is essential to life. It can also be fun. "The actual act of having sex is fun, pleasurable and a huge amount of hormones get activated and released so it tends to put you in a better mood, it decreases stress, it alleviates anger. There are many benefits of sex, more than just to procreate," she said. Here Health + Medicine answers the questions many of us are too embarassed to ask.

PETA RASDIEN

June 01, 2016

How do you find time for sex when you have kids?

The demands of young children can put a strain on the intimate relationship between partners but sexologist Amanda Lambros believes it is important to schedule time for sex.

This could be after the children go to bed or when they are being looked after by a babysitter and ideally couples should be having sex at least once a fortnight.

“Make time, if you don’t pencil time in what will happen is you will be too exhausted to actually have sex with your partner or even to create any intimacy,” she said.

“People don’t realise that the less that they touch, the less intimate they are. The less intimate they are, the less pleasurable sex is going to be. It is like a Catch 22, you need to have all the little bits and pieces in place.”

What adjustments do you need to make as you get older?

If you haven’t already, now is a good time to introduce lube to your sex life.

Hormonal fluctuations around menopause, particularly oestrogen, can cause vaginal dryness and the best way to counteract that is lubricants, according to Ms Lambros.

Lower libido and mood changes can also occur around menopause and would be worth discussing with a GP as there may be treatment options.

Sexual Health Quarters medical director Richelle Douglas said sex after 50 should be, and could be, enjoyable and exciting.

“Honest and open discussions are key to experiencing both pleasure and comfort during sexual activity at any age or stage in life,” she said. “As men get older, they may face sexual health issues including erectile dysfunction, reduced confidence, premature ejaculation, and lower libido.

“Open discussion with a GP can ensure men are adequately investigated and appropriate treatment options are offered.”

Dr Douglas said positions should be comfortable for both partners and pillows could be helpful.

Some women over 50 may need to think about contraception and it was also worth remembering that STIs don’t discriminate against age. And precautions, and testing, were still required with new partners.

What can toys bring to your sex life and which are the best?

You can have a fulfilling sex life without toys but they can also add another dimension.

Ms Lambros said some people loved sex toys and used them all the time, others had never seen one, let alone used it.

“It depends on the communication between two partners and whether or not it is something they want to introduce and how often and for what purposes,” she said.

There were a wide variety of toys available from specialty shops and online, even some that could be controlled by an iPhone.

For those new to the idea, Ms Lambros suggested a small vibrator, known as a bullet, which could be adjusted to suit your preference.

What are appropriate expectations with apps and social media?

Dating in the digital age has opened up a world of new ways to connect with potential partners for dating and sexual relationships.

Scores of apps and websites promise to introduce you to new people but working out who is looking for a one night stand and who is hoping to find a potential life partner can be a little daunting.

Whether it is Tinder, Grindr, e-Harmony, Match.com or any of the other online avenues available, people sign up for different reasons.

A good rule of thumb, according to Ms Lambros, was to be clear, open and honest about your intentions from the start if you planned on meeting your digital friend in the real world.

“If they plan on going in and having sex, then they should be saying that from the get go,” she said.

“If you are a novice user and you go into a social media dating site and think ‘I’m going to meet the love of my life and have a 10 year-long relationship’ and then you go to the first meeting and the person is like ‘OK, let’s jump into bed’, then you might be a little surprised.”

How do you cope with the pressure to perform with a new partner?

Much of the pressure people feel around starting a new sexual relationship is self-inflicted, Ms Lambros said.

“If you have got a new partner the pressure to perform is literally the pressure in your own head, so you are setting that bar, however high you want to set that bar,” she said.

Good communication was the secret to making the experience satisfying for both partners.

She recommended people ask their new partner what they enjoy doing and how they like it done.

“If you are performing a blow job or oral sex, actually ask ‘are you enjoying this . . . does this feel good, does that feel good’, ask for guidance, because if you think you were great with your previous partner it doesn’t necessarily mean you are going to be great with this partner.”

Do we need to have sex like porn stars? Should we copy what we see on screen?

No, is the simple answer, according to Ms Lambros.

“A lot of the whole porn star thing is really unrealistic with regards to a healthy and decent sex life,” she said.

It might be fun to watch porn with your partner if that was what you enjoyed but it was unrealistic to think you should be trying to recreate it in your bedroom.

“I would say leave the porn-star lovemaking to the porn stars and just do what you enjoy the most,” she said.

Anal sex was a strong theme in many porn movies, however that could lead to injuries unless both partners were adequately informed and prepared with lubricant.

Sex during pregnancy – will it hurt the baby and do we need to stop?

Sex is perfectly safe in most pregnancies and does not hurt the baby or cause miscarriage, according to Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists WA chairperson Robyn Leake.

If a woman has a low lying placenta (placenta praevia) she should discuss sex with her medical professional.

“In some cases the location of the placenta may mean that sex may precipitate bleeding. In those situations, sex may be need to be avoided for some or all of the pregnancy,” she said.

Ms Lambros said the main consideration for having sex while pregnant was trying to be comfortable.

“You could be quite large during your pregnancy, so try to find a way that works - use lots of pillows, lay in a comfortable position and just go for it.” she said.

Will having sex bring on baby?

Dr Leake said some of the substances in semen were similar to those used to induce labour, by softening the cervix.

However, the amounts found in semen were very small and so usually not enough to precipitate labour.

Will my vagina return to normal size post birth?

In this instance lubricant may be helpful. Some women may also require vaginal creams or pellets containing oestrogen to restore comfort.

Dr Leake said most women who have a vaginal delivery would have some permanent stretching of the tissues, however most of the stretched tissue recovered.

Pelvic-floor exercises could help restore muscle tone and strength. Dr Leake said as a woman aged, the stretched tissues could become more lax, resulting in prolapse in about 20-30 per cent of mothers.

Ms Lambros said some women may find sex painful, even with lubricant.

“That is where good communication is dramatically important post birth and for sexual intimacy. Because if it is not feeling right, don’t do it. There are other alternatives,” she said.

“It is not easy to jump straight back into it. Usually they say give yourself six weeks to heal properly and then take it slow from there on in,” Ms Lambros said.

Can you have too much sex and when is it an addiction?

It becomes a classified addiction when your interest in sex interferes with your daily living.

If you can’t go to work because you need to have sex then it may be an addiction.

“If it is just that you enjoy sex but you are still able to go to work and (do other daily activities) then it is totally fine,” Ms Lambros said. “Your normal might be having sex every night after you put the kids to bed — that’s not an addiction that’s just how you’ve time managed.”

Can you get an STI from oral sex?

Many people don’t realise that STIs including chlamydia, gonorrhoea and herpes can be passed on through unprotected oral sex.

It is important that you don’t wait to see a physical sign of an infection because most people with an STI have no symptoms, Dr Douglas explained.

“Protect yourself and your partner by using condoms and dams, and having regular STI tests, annual or more frequent if changing partner,” she said.

Are there any foods that increase sexual arousal or performance?

Foods don’t necessarily increase arousal or performance, they do however affect the flavour of your fluids.

Ms Lambros said pineapple, apples and pears made fluids sweet while asparagus, spirulina, kale and other leafy greens made it sour.

Almonds were the fruit of the gods from a sexologist’s perspective, she said, because they increased blood flow. However, like oysters, you would have to eat large quantities for any performance enhancement.

Are there alternatives to medication such as viagra for erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction is caused by physical illness or psychological issues and can occur over months or years. While occasional erectile dysfunction is normal, if it occurs regularly it could a symptom of a serious underlying medical condition and should be investigated.

Oral medications such as viagra, cialis and levitra are effective in about 70 per cent of men.

Non-invasive alternatives include a pump or a rubber ring.

For the pump a vacuum device is placed over the penis to draw blood to the penis and mimic an erection.

A rubber ring placed around the base of the penis can help maintain an erection. It is recommended it be both properly explained and fitted before use.

More invasive options include penile injections with drugs that relax blood vessels allowing increased blood flow to the penis, and penile prosthetic implants surgically implanted into the penis.

How is sex affected by a chronic medical condition, such as a heart problem?

Where there is a will there is a way to get around most medical conditions, according to Ms Lambros.

Ideally, people should talk to their medical professional about the best way to maintain their sex life post-operation or with a chronic medical condition. For example a physiotherapist could offer good advice about the best positions to cause the least amount of stress and pressure on joints after a joint replacement.

“You just have to understand where your limitations are. Laying on your back is probably a better position than being on top because being on top you are actually using more muscles,” Ms Lambros said.

The Heart Foundation says people should be well enough to have sex if they can walk up two flights of stairs without getting chest pain or feeling short of breath and recommends you stop if you feel any pain or discomfort in your chest.

More than 40 per cent of all people who have undergone treatment for cancer experience negative sexual changes post treatment. For those with ‘below the belt’ cancer types including prostate cancer, ovarian cancer and cervical cancer that number increases to 90 per cent of survivors.

Does piercing or waxing make a difference to performance or pleasure?

“If you have extremely sensitive skin and more skin is exposed then yes, it is going to be more sensitive. Whereas, if you don’t have sensitive skin and you’re waxed it is not really going to make a difference — it is really a personal preference thing,” she said.

Similar to waxing, piercing could enhance sexual feeling for some people by rubbing on sensitive areas. It was important, though, that all piercings, most commonly in either the tip of the penis or just above the clitoral hood, should ensure there were no sharp edges that could cause internal cuts or bleeding.

People contemplating piercing should also be aware the piercing could cause nerve damage if not properly located.

What are the erogenous zones and how do they amplify enjoyment?

The clitoris and penis are not the only erogenous zones in the body, in fact some can be found in unexpected places.

The tip of your nose, your neck, behind your ears, armpits and nipples are among the areas that also have heightened sensitivity that can deliver sexual pleasure.

But what turns one person on, could be a complete turn off for another, Ms Lambros said, so it was important to ask your partner what felt good.

Along with touching, kissing and licking, there were ways to amplify the sensation of erogenous zones with a number of creams on the market.

Within the vagina there were other erogenous zones however the g-spot was easiest to find because it felt like a small lump.

“The easiest way to hit it while having sex is coming from behind . . . doggy style. The penis is in the position that it will actually rub against the g-spot and that’s the only way to access it,” Ms Lambros said.

For men there was an erogenous zone around the prostate, also known as the p-spot, and the best way to access that was through anal sex.

What is the best position for sex to give most pleasure to both parties?

If you want the sex to last longer, the man should be on the bottom, according to Ms Lambros.

This way they had to engage less muscle and the reduced muscle tension would delay ejaculation.

“The woman on top, either facing the man or facing away, would be the most pleasurable for both parties and will last the longest,” Ms Lambros said.

“If you don’t want it too last, flip positions and put her on the bottom, him doggy style and that will be quick and fun.”

How much semen does a man ejaculate?

On average men ejaculate less than a teaspoon full of semen per ejaculation. It can be slightly more if he has not ejaculated for some time.

How can you avoid a UTI?

Urinary tract infections are common, especially in women but can also occur in men, according to Dr Douglas.

While they are not always avoidable there are some things you can do, including urinating straight after sex.

“Don’t ‘hold on’ during the day, drink plenty of water and wipe after defecation from front to back,” she said.

Similar to a UTI, sexually transmitted infections can sometimes present with burning and stinging of urination, especially in men.

Sexual Health Quarters advises that if you have symptoms of burning, stinging or frequency of urination, or have recurrent UTIs, seek help from a health professional.

What happens when you are attracted to both sexes? Do you need to pick a side?

No, do what you enjoy. Ms Lambros said people lived on a sexual continuum.

“There might be points along your continuum of life that you are attracted to one sex more than another, or attracted to both, but just enjoy life and be true to what you are feeling at that moment,” she recommended.

Have sex expectations changed for teenagers?

Social media has precipitated a shift in teens’ first forays into sexual relationships with some research pointing to new ideas of what represents first and second base.

Sending a naked picture would be today’s equivalent of flashing your breasts.

“It is the same thing it’s just one is done on a phone and one is done face-to-face,” Ms Lambros said.

The problem was that a picture lasts a lifetime online and teenager’s brains are not developed enough to fully comprehend the consequences of that, beyond trying to please their boyfriend or girlfriend of the moment.

“They are thinking, Jason’s my new boyfriend and if he wants a picture of my tits then I will send it to him,” Ms Lambros said. “They are not thinking ‘Oh, now Jason is going to pass it on to all of his friends’.”

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