Movie Review: “Bullet to the Head” – Brain Dead

Written by Jesse Gelinas February 08, 2013

There’s An Axe Fight At The End

Sylvester Stallone’s career died early this morning, losing a years’ long battle with irrelevance. It died alone, at home, with no one to comfort it. Assumptions are that it was extremely painful. That is the obituary that should have been printed sometime after “Cop Land” and before “Spy Kids 3D”, but somehow Sly has managed to soldier on for the last decade, and people are still paying to watch him. Granted, a 66-year old man who can still move like him is pretty impressive; he’s holding up better than the Schwarz, but sadly, his films are not. Enter “Bullet to the Head”.

Stallone stars as hitman Jimmy Bobo. He’s a man driven by a thirst for vengeance after his partner is murdered by Keegan (Jason Momoa), an enforcer for Moral, a Lex Luther-type with a real estate scam. Bobo is joined by Detective Kwon (Sung Kang) whose partner was also killed by Keegan. Bobo and Kwon become besties and decide to kill the big bastard together, using teamwork and buddy cop one-liners. We’re not animals. We live in a society. This plot is paper thin, but Stallone does his best to make it seem like it’s about more than making him look like he can still swing axes with the big boys.

They Drew First Blood, Not Counting All Those People Stallone Killed First

What I can say about this film you can apply to just about anything Stallone has done for the last ten years. Yes, it’s violent. No, it doesn’t have a real story. Yes, he looks like he might die at any moment. The action is pretty well directed, thanks to Walter Hill doing his thing behind the camera. When you want unhinged brutality, he’s always been your man. It’s a good thing too because the action is about the only thing going for “Bullet to the Head”. Okay, the only thing.

LOOK!

Stallone stopped acting after “Cop Land”. He temporarily started again for “Rocky Balboa”, but “Bullet to the Head” is devoid of such attempts. He’s past it and he knows it. He mumble-growls the lines written for him, while his co-stars try their hardest to keep the film grounded. They fail, but they try, and…well, that’s not really what counts, but they try. Jason Momoa has yet to prove himself as a movie-star, and sadly, I don’t think he’ll ever get there (fortunately, he’s cemented himself in TV-geekdom forever). Everyone poses like an action figure in front of the camera, and really, I don’t think it’d have been much different if they substituted Stallone for an early model Rambo doll. Christian Slater is fun to watch though. Kind of.

At Least We Still Have “The Tomb” To Look Forward To

We all know it’s just mindless fun. “Bullet to the Head” has already been summarily dismissed by the academic realm of your brain, don’t worry. It’s not the worst thing Stallone has done, and it’s not his last either. Just try to ignore it and applaud politely at his ability to still run at a brisk pace. The action is decent and refreshingly brutal in style. Walter Hill can still make crap semi-enjoyable, but I’d hoped his comeback would’ve been better than this. The point is, save your money; the axe fight is already on Youtube.

My Rating: 4.5/10

About Jesse Gelinas

After years attempting to escape the Matrix, Jesse has accepted his fate as a writer and Senior Editor. Now that's he finished with his film degree, it gives him something to do while waiting for the machines to get careless.