Double Betrayal

You are the only one I have ever seen with this situation as well. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

I know what you mean about how it is difficult with the other things like xbox, instagram, and all other ways these kids are communicating now. When OW/xBFF's daughter found me on YouTube, she asked me if I had a FB or an instagram. I didn't bother informing her that when her idiotic mother set up her FB, that she blocked me and fWH from it. I seen the FB within a month of it being creative due to my intense investigative mode that I was in. It was months later that OW's daughter contacted me, and I thought about telling her, then kept it exactly the way it should have been. Likely, OW was just doing it to protect her daughter, can I really fault her for that???

Now that my girls are getting to the age of instagram, I worry OW's daughter might try to contact them. They were 7 and 8 when this happened, so they must remember her.. I don't know if they do or not, a few weeks of trying to keep it from them and I couldn't take the constant begging from them to have "Aunt" and "cousin" over. I finally told H I couldn't take it and he had to have a little chat with them about how their "Aunt" would never be coming around again. I don't think at that age they would have really understood "infidelity", so there was never a good explanation other than "Aunt hurt Momma really bad" and "don't ever bring her up"

And they never have.

LadyYoga posted 1/13/2014 17:18 PM

Yeah, that was the age my boys were during the hiatus. Now, my kids are always "connected" in some way to their friends. They all have iphones , ipads, computers, xbox, etc so they text and facetime constantly. It would be extremely difficult to make them go NC at this point. About an hour ago, I pulled into the school parking lot and OW also pulled in. Our cars ended up being face to face. So crazy that I have to live like this. But, that doesn't bother me as much as having to see her face in front of my house (which is rare. I have the boys answer the door when her son gets dropped off if I know she is the one dropping off.) Mostly, is is OWH who I am still friendly with. Totally a messed up situation. Cest la vie as they say.

If you find someone who walks in my shoes, please tell them to PM me.

TheGarden posted 1/13/2014 17:24 PM

IAmSoBlind:

Wow, sounds like we had the same so-called "friends". I also feel that my OW's H was partially an instigator and escalated the situation. They were also long-term friends of ours, and the situation completely nuked various aspects of our social circle.

I am sorry you are here with a triple betrayal as well. It's a completely fucked up, sick kind of infidelity. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. People who encourage their spouses to have affairs with other people so they can get off on the illicitness and other people's pain...that's a special breed of sociopath right there.

iamsoblind42 posted 1/13/2014 18:58 PM

TheGarden... I really need to post more so I can contact you directly (50 right?). I can't believe how similar our stories are. Sad really...

My BF's H has been acting the same way. Sent me a text that "they did not have intercourse". How he would never let another man put his junk in his wife. OK "Clinton", oral sex is OK? He is seriously dillusional!

At least you knew the kind of "marriage" they had. I did not. I knew BF's H was way too flirtatious especially when drunk and it actually made me feel sorry for my friend. I had no idea she was in on it too.

After I caught them she has sworn it has NEVER happened with anyone else including my WH and she has been married for over 20 years.

I refuse to talk with her or her H anymore. I blocked them on FB and do not respond to any texts. I am going to block her email as soon as I send this.

Do you think you and your WH will get past this? Do you still think about it all the time? If not, how long can you go without thinking about it? I know everyone is different but just curious as to when I might start to feel less pain.

TheGarden posted 1/13/2014 20:01 PM

I am sorry to say that although I am 7 months past it, I still think about it all the time. It is not as painful now as it was during the first few months, but it is never far from my mind at any moment.

The double betrayal part is now much harder for me to deal with than my husband's betrayal, actually. But that is because he has been remorseful and has spent countless hours since then trying to work it out with me, apologizing, talking about it, etc. I've done a lot of processing with him, and he's worked a lot on the issues that allowed him to go there with the OW, lie, sneak around, etc.

But there was no closure with my "friends". They never explained or apologized. I still can't even figure out why the OW did what she did. It's just so crazy and sick and such a horrible thing to do to a close friend that I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't understand why OW's H was so cruel to me afterwards, how any sane, ethical person could ever stand next to his wife and deliberately encourage her to do sexual things with her friend's monogamous husband, her friend who knew nothing and trusted and loved all of them, and all of them knew it would devastate me.

I will never understand any of these things, so of course I ruminate about it all the time.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

Myheartstillhurt posted 1/13/2014 20:47 PM

TheGarden,

7 months is a very short time. I know that likely feels discouraging, but each day you press on, it will get easier.

It took a lot of time for me to give up on "the why's". I did a lot of "why's" to my fWH, and finally just realized there were no answers. And the "why's" still sneak into my head about OW/xBFF from time to time.

Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter? Why would she tell people the lies she did about me? Why would she pretend she was doing me favors when coming over, when really it was so she could have sex with MY husband?

The why's are endless. I fully realize there are no answers to these why's either, but I feel like there should be. The best my MC could do for me is talk about how jealousy is such an evil sin, and it can overtake a person. I guess that is my only "why".. Although, I could leave it at she is just plain evil.

SeekingJoy posted 1/13/2014 23:11 PM

Is this an open posting? I am part of this club.I hope I'm allowed to post here.

I'm just realizing that it has been 4.5 years since I became a part of this club. I'm not any closer to healing. My SIL (and very close friend) had an affair with my xH. She is still married to my brother. I haven't seen either or them, nor my baby niece in all this this time. She must be nearly 5 by now, and only lives 45 minutes away.

I have only spoken to my brother a couple of times in the past 4.5 years. I invited his family to my daughter's birthday last year- he declined, and said that he "was not ready". (his wife had the affair; I did nothing)...he's apparently protecting her (?)

I am letting this anger and resentment take away any relationship I could have with my niece. I'm so sad over this, and yet I don't know how to forgive. I want to know my niece. I want my girls to know their cousin. I cannot forgive her.

I've forgiven my ex for his multiple affairs. I just don't care about it anymore. I am more concerned with his ongoing verbal abuse; maybe the abuse has just taken precedent over the lies.

How has 4.5 years past already? Why does it seem as vivid as if it were yesterday? Is my life just going to flitter away, wasted by negative energy? How can I ever get past it?

bionicgal posted 1/14/2014 14:01 PM

Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter?

I understand - similar situation, here. And now it appears the AP has told her kids to not speak to me (probably us), after OBS and I had agreed to try to keep it as congenial between the kids as possible. I spoke to them the other day 7 months out (they are 7 and 10) and was clearly rebuffed. Also, AP did the same to my son a couple of months back. Who would do that?

We live in a small city, and the two couples spent a lot of time together for a couple of years - we have many of of the same mutual friends. It has been a real struggle to try to keep things as normal as possible for our son.

As far as the APs motivations - it was always about them. So, you can't make someone not be narcissistic. That, and they are profoundly broken. I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life. I am glad he confessed after thinking I found out after a relatively short amount of time.

LadyYoga posted 1/14/2014 14:51 PM

Bionicgal, I sent you a PM. Just wanted to see how your are doing

Myheartstillhurt posted 1/15/2014 10:05 AM

I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life.

OMG this! Oddly enough, fWH and OW/xBFF had "broken up" 3 or 4 times throughout the A. They were in the middle of getting ready to "break up" again when I found out.

OW/xBFF was super pissed at fWH because he had told her he was never going to leave. After months of fighting, she finally asked him "well then will you just have us both"?

I am completely confused by how someone would want to be the OW forever. How can this be someone's ultimate resolve?? If he won't have me only, maybe he can have us both!? This is insane.

Then, when her and I spoke after discovery (and she informed me she always knew deep down this is how it would end, but she hoped it hadn't), she said "well, he told me if I waited until the kids were all grown, he would come back for me"

Really idiot?? My baby was 5 weeks old when she said this. So she was going to wait EIGHTEEN years???? Wow.. How P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C!

He did admit to me to saying this, he said he was sure she would find someone else and that was just something to appease her at that time of "break up". People say the darnedest (and most idiotic) things in affairs.

I too was betrayed by the two people I loved the most. I told her things in trust and she used them against me in order to steal my husband. All it did was cause 4 people grief and hurt. She had her affair with my husband because she felt I was on a high horse and had to be put in place! For what? All I tried to do was help her in her time of need while she was separated from her awful husband, little did i know that she was just as bad. She was jealous because my marriage was great, we were happy and my husband treated me great. She used my friendship to get closer to him and become friend with him. I feel so stupid. I hate her and want tell her how I feel since I never got to. When I found out I was so shocked that I apologized to her while she called me names. And she has the nerve to tell my childhood friend (who she used to be friends with) that she has a hard time seeing us hanging out without her, and that basiclly this was somehow my fault. Ugh, I though by now I could move on, I wish he would have had an affair with someone we didnt know or didnt share friends with, I cant get her out of my life.

D-Day 12/08/2012
Still working on our marriage, moving in good direction

Devastated63 posted 1/19/2014 19:16 PM

I'm new here and need some advice. I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 29 years had a 14 month long affair with a good friend of mine. It has been over for 8 months, and we are working on rebuilding our marriage and repairing the damage.

I have forgiven my husband, but I feel like I need some closure with my former friend. I can't stop thinking about the depth of her betrayal. We socialized with her and her husband during the whole affair, and I was oblivious! I feel like such a stupid fool! I cannot fully heal with this terrible jealousy, hatred, and anger in my heart.

Here is my question... Should I contact her and try to get some closure? I just feel like I need to hear her apologize and ask for forgiveness. I would appreciate any advice you guys can give me.

staystrong25 posted 1/19/2014 19:29 PM

Devastated63- I too feel the need to contact her. But what would i say? What would she say? Ask for my forgiveness?> She would never get it. Tell me she is sorry? I know she would be full of shit, how can a friend, and im using that term loosely, do such a thing for so long and feel remorse. She doesnt. All your gonna do is hurt more. I contacted my xbff once, shorty after i found out about the affair and all she did was hurt me more. She said things to me that I would rather not repeat, these things are still on my mind. Only when we go digging do we find gold, or a shit storm in this scenario. I still think about it and its been a year, i stalk her FB and question our mutual friend because I want to hear how shity her life is. I even contemplate revenge of some sort, like telling my side of the story to her husband who blames me and my husband only. there were so many things that she did while separated from her husband, things besides taking advantage of me and my marriage, that I know could put a wrench in her life just like she did in mine. But this site has helped a lot. Talking to people and reading their stories is helping, We are not alone and we are not to blame.

Devastated63 posted 1/20/2014 07:46 AM

staystrong25: I have become obsessed with her. I too stalk her FB daily. I drive by her design shop every time I'm in that area. Our son is a good friend of her son's, and I feel sick to my stomach every time he goes to their house. He doesn't know about the affair, so I just have to stand there with a fake smile on my face while he tells me what she cooked them for dinner!! It's torture.

I've got to find some way to forgive her so I can move forward. The resentment is literally making me sick. She is already out of my life, now I need to get her out of my head.

bionicgal posted 1/20/2014 13:23 PM

Devastated - I understand the impulse to get some closure with her, but it is unlikely it will be rewarding in any way. I wrote a letter to the AP (our "friend") and asked for an apology - which I got. But, it was all focused on her, and how she felt bad. I think the whole idea is that they are just focused on themselves. . they didn't care about us then. (And why would they now?) They just wanted the high of the affair.

I hope you can find some peace in your heart. I have felt anger towards OW lately, but deep down I pity her. I am so glad I don't have to wake up in the morning and be her, as hard as it is to be me some mornings. At least I can look at myself as a good, honorable and worthy person.

Devastated63 posted 1/21/2014 09:49 AM

bionicgal- Your response makes a lot of sense to me. It's very good advice and I'm really taking it to heart. This is by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It helps so much to talk to others who are going through something similar. I can't talk to family or friends because I really don't want everyone to know about all of this hurt and ugliness. Thank you again.

tigereyes posted 1/23/2014 15:13 PM

I think my WH is still in contact with my former "friend". I can't prove it as he uses his work email address to communicate with her and I have no access to that. But he has started writing in his journal again (which he should just call my slam book) and he has written things that lead me to believe he has broken NC. We have "counseling" tomorrow morning and I think I am going to air my suspicions there. He won't be expecting that. This is so ridiculous that I have to play this stupid game. But since he is passive-aggressive, he never tells me the truth.

somanyyears posted 1/23/2014 15:28 PM

..@tigereyes..

..just wondering if bringing up your suspicions at IC will just push him to be extra cautious and go into gaslighting and denial mode.

..could you hire a PI to track them both for positive proof?

..hope you can get to better days..

smy

Ascendant posted 2/17/2014 23:52 PM

I've been thinking a lot about the AP aspect of my double betrayal situation lately. I think I may be at the very beginning stages of dealing with the fact that my friend hurt me.

It seems like really simple concept, but I think it's one of those areas that may differ between the genders. From my experience, it's a lot more common for a female to tell her friend (or someone else) that her friend hurt her, or hurt her feelings.

As a guy, I don't think it comes quite so easily. We're much quicker to say that we're pissed at another guy, or we're going to kick his ass, before we say that another guy hurt us emotionally.

Not that there's any shame in saying it, it just doesn't come naturally to us, at least initially.

Well, I am finally saying it: my friend hurt me. He, in conjunction with my wife, hurt me. He took advantage of my trust and he stabbed me in the back.

Someone upthread mentioned not getting any closure with your friend, and I totally agree with that. It's one of the most angering and frustrating aspects of this garbage. Upon DDAY1, I have never heard from him again. He has never apologized for his role in wrecking my life temporarily. And the few snippets of info I get from other sources seem to indicate that while his life is shit, he has exhibited no remorse, only righteousness.

I don't know how to deal with this yet.

beautytoashes5 posted 2/18/2014 16:25 PM

I belong to this club. My husband had a LTA with a close family friend. She went on family vacations with us. She celebrated milestones with us. How could I be so blind? I trusted this woman around my children and family. I question myself constantly...
Why didn't I see it?
How could I be so stupid?