Diana Boggia: Changing potty panic to potty time

Thursday

Jul 14, 2011 at 12:01 AMJul 14, 2011 at 2:17 PM

Dear Diana: I thought I’d reach out to you for some help regarding our 5-year-old daughter. She is going to kindergarten in just two months, and has a terrible potty fetish. She will only go on ours at home. She is terrified of any other one, but especially the automatic flush ones. Even if it is a thoroughly clean facility, and a handle flush, it will be drawn out into a 45-minute ordeal. We can’t even go on vacation because we know it would be an ordeal. Any tricks you know of? Thanks much, Concerned Mom

Diana Boggia

Dear Diana: I thought I’d reach out to you for some help regarding our 5-year-old daughter. She is going to kindergarten in just two months, and has a terrible potty fetish. She will only go on ours at home. She is terrified of any other one, but especially the automatic flush ones. Even if it is a thoroughly clean facility, and a handle flush, it will be drawn out into a 45-minute ordeal. We can’t even go on vacation because we know it would be an ordeal. Any tricks you know of? Thanks much, Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom: This is a very common fear, but it's often difficult to work through. It seems likely that your daughter developed her fear from an experience related to a public or automatic-flush toilet. It is often helpful to look at the behavior through the eyes of a child, so if she did have a negative experience in a bathroom other than her own, she may now have the perception that “you just never know” or that other bathrooms just “aren’t safe.” The underlying problem is that she has transitioned her perception into an enormous generalization, which, in her mind, is valid.

It is helpful to remember that while a child’s perception may not be reality, it is their reality. When it comes to fears and anxieties, empathy without enabling is often helpful. In other words, offer understanding without judgment, and alternatives without adjusting to your daughter’s anxiety. Minimize her fears by slowly replacing them with new, safe experiences. This can take time, but remember that this fear developed over time. This behavior is now a part of who she is.

Changing the behavior

1. Implement the house rule that everyone always must use the bathroom before leaving the house, even before going outside to play. This will minimize her need to use a restroom when out and about.

2. Every time you go somewhere where you feel the bathroom will be clean, use the restroom. Find family restrooms with comfortable areas. Remark when you see an auto flush or a handle flush. Over time, continuous exposure will normalize other restrooms for her. Don’t ask, or offer, for her to use the bathroom.

3. Always use the bathroom when visiting friends and relatives, and ask her if she’d like to keep you company. Do not ask, or offer, if she has to use the bathroom.

3. Take her shopping for a toilet-topper seat and encourage her to use it at home for comfort. As she becomes comfortable with it, it will be like taking a piece of home with her as you travel.

4. Do go on family vacations and outings. If you avoid traveling because of her fear, she will not have the opportunity to learn and grow. She will continue with the same behavior, and she will never get used to other restrooms. She needs to work through this — with your help. Show empathy, but don’t enable the behavior. Plan easy road trips with hotels.

5. If she says she has to go, but then doesn’t want to go, don’t talk about it anymore. Don’t try to convince her. Simply say, “OK, let me know if you change your mind, and I will help you.” Whatever we pay attention to will continue. Perhaps some of this attention (a 45-minute ordeal) is feeding into her anxiety.

6. Don’t worry about starting school and bathroom usage. Children can always sense our anxiety, which can actually provide fuel for a behavior to continue. Ask her teacher for help in school to make her bathroom experiences comfortable. It will work itself out with peer pressure.

The bottom line: Provide continuous exposure to new restrooms by taking her in with you, but don’t offer, insist, try to convince or talk about it. With your love and support, she will work through this.