Obama Press Secretary Says GOP Is Politicizing Election

President Obama’s Press Secretary Jay Carney lashed out at the GOP for “politicizing the upcoming elections.” “They’re trying to exploit so-called scandals and policy failures for political gain,” Carney complained.

The scandals referenced by Carney included the sexploits of the Secret Service in Columbia and lavish parties thrown by the General Services Administration (GSA).

“These things aren’t the president’s fault,” Carney insisted. “Historically, the role of the Secret Service has been to cover up the president’s illicit sexual liaisons, not engage in their own. What would’ve happened to President Kennedy or Clinton if their bodyguards had been as self-serving as those assigned to President Obama?”

“As for the GSA, the biggest scandalous party didn’t even cost a million dollars,” Carney pointed out. “It didn’t amount to a hill of beans in a budget that’s over a trillion dollars in the red. Besides, abusing the expense account is one of the perks of the job. And let’s not forget that every dollar spent helps stimulate the economy. So is what they are doing really such a bad thing?”

“Even more absurd is the implication that there have been significant policy failures,” Carney added. “The premise that high unemployment, high gas prices, and high deficits are undesirable is mistaken. These are necessary steps on the path to the social transformation the President promised voters in 2008.”

Carney characterized the “negativity toward the President as disloyalty bordering on treason. It’s one thing to run for office. I mean, we wouldn’t have much of a democracy if there was only one candidate on the ballot. But tearing down what he’s trying to do goes beyond the pro forma requirements of the democratic process.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged the President’s critics to reconsider. “You know, the President has been so patient and respectful toward these people,” Pelosi contended. “They should remember that it is in his power to have them jailed or even killed if he deems them a threat to the government.”

Pundit Asks “Would Dumping the First African-American President Be Racist?”

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews wondered whether it would be racist for voters to oust Barack Obama from the presidency.

“When he was running in 2008 there was some speculation that not voting for him could be construed as racist,” Matthews remembered. “Then he was only a candidate with little political experience. Now, though, he has three plus years as president under his belt. He has the executive experience he lacked in 2008. And incumbents are generally reelected. If he gets bounced by someone who has no presidential experience wouldn’t that be even more racist?”

Matthews further suggested that “to judge him by white standards seems inappropriate. The whole notion that a person ought to excel or achieve—isn’t that what people of color call ‘acting white?’ Shouldn’t breaking this stereotype be one of the objectives of America’s first non-white Chief Executive? I mean, compared to other African-Americans hasn’t Obama done quite well? He’s not on drugs. He’s not in jail. He’s head-and-shoulders above his racial peers. Isn’t that a record deserving of a second term?”

Democrats Propose Constitutional Amendment

Convinced that unfettered freedom of speech is destroying our democracy, congressional Democrats are proposing that the First Amendment of the US Constitution be, itself, amended.

“As it stands right now, the Constitution says that Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech,” complained Representative Jim McGovern (D-Mass), co-sponsor of the proposed amendment. “Well, we want to make a law, we need to make a law that puts clamps on unwarranted criticism of the government.”

The proposed amendment is seen as necessary to protect the pending DISCLOSE Act from possibly being overturned by the Supreme Court. This Act would require that anyone criticizing the government be compelled to identify themselves. “Too many people think they should be able to anonymously contradict, ridicule, or otherwise contest the official policies of the government,” said amendment co-sponsor Representative Donna Edwards (D-Md). “This type of cowardly attack on authority is not what our nation’s founders envisioned.”

The proposed amendment would strike the total ban on Congressional suppression of free speech and replace it with a conditional one granting Congress the power to abridge speech “when deemed necessary.”

Governor Says Polygamist Past May Hamper Romney Presidential Bid

Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer (D) says that the fact that Mitt Romney’s father was the son of a polygamist may cause voters to question his suitability to be president.

“It’s my impression that polygamy might not be too popular with women voters,” Schweitzer mused. “Do they really want to put a man who’s only two generations removed from that abhorrent practice in the White House?”

Schweitzer dismissed the fact that President Barack Obama, Jr’s namesake—Barack Obama, Sr.—was also the son of a polygamist, calling it “irrelevant.” “Look, Obama’s father isn’t known for certain,” Schweitzer argued. “No one’s seen a genuine birth certificate. So, there’s no proof that the Obama from Kenya after whom he’s named is his actual father. And even if he is, he was the product of a much more primitive culture. So, it would be unfair to hold President Obama to the same standards we might apply to his opponents.”

Gains for Leisure Class May Boost Obama Reelection Chances

A record 5.4 million former workers and their dependents have signed up to receive federal disability payments since Obama took office. At 6% of the potential workforce now, the ratio of persons on disability has more than doubled since the Reagan Administration. Add this to the 70% increase in the number of persons getting food stamps since 2007 and it is clear that the 2008 election of Barack Obama may be ushering in some transformative changes in the way Americans live.

“The notion that people want to work is the flaw in Republican thinking,” said Obama adviser David Axelrod. “Work is a disutility. People only put up with it under the belief that it is necessary in order to live. But what if we can change that belief? The strides that the President and Congress have made toward liberating a growing portion of our population from the drudgery of slaving for a living ought to be reflected in how people vote.”

Axelrod acknowledged that “we can never liberate 100% of the population from the burdens of labor, but the closer we can get to that figure the better off we’ll be as a society. Freed of the daily grind imposed upon them by corporate taskmasters, more and more Americans will be able to reach a higher plane of self-actualization.”

President Weighing Pardon

President Obama is said to be weighing whether to pardon Amanda Clayton. Clayton was recently arrested for continuing to accept federal assistance after she won a million dollars in the Michigan state lottery.

Michigan Attorney General Bill Schuette argued that “it should be common sense that if you’ve got a million dollars you aren’t entitled to welfare. Welfare is for people who are poor.”

The president is said to consider Schuette’s actions discriminatory. “If Warren Buffett won the lottery he wouldn’t be expected to forfeit his other income,” Obama observed. “Rich as he is, he would be allowed to keep both. Why then, shouldn’t Miss Clayton be allowed to keep her other source of income?”

First Lady Touts Husband’s God-Like Quality

Searching for a persuasive theme for President Obama’s reelection campaign hasn’t been easy. First Lady Michelle Obama described her difficult quest for “a meaningful way to convey the message that we must reelect my husband as president.”

“I was listening to this radio show where a caller was asking Ted Nugent if he would be supporting my husband’s reelection,” Michelle recalled. “When I heard him say ‘Jesus Christ, Obama?’ I knew we had our strategy.”

“Think about it,” Michelle urged. “My husband has brought this country out of the dark and into the light. Isn’t that what Jesus would do? How could any good person vote against that?”

In related news, it was revealed that Mrs Obama had listed her two daughters Malia (aged 13) and Sasha (aged 10) as “senior staffers” on a $400,000 trip to South Africa and Botswana. Michelle explained, “In the sense that they are part of the First Family they are, in effect, ‘senior’ to everyone else in America. So, no, I don’t think that it was misleading of me to use that designation for the trip.”

The First Lady also dismissed critics’ complaints about the cost of the trip “In the eyes of the world, we are America,” Michelle maintained. “So, everything America has is rightfully ours to do with as we please. In this context, the $400,000 was far less than we could’ve spent. We are not getting credit for the remarkable restraint we are exercising considering.”