John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Fear is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss. As in: How will I go on without that person? (Published 11/17/2015)

Q:

I am a hospice nurse, unable to take any steps towards my own grief process. I've lost two very close brothers in the past of 4 years. My elderly parents are declining, and out of the three siblings left, I'm their caregiver. I have a deep spiritual faith and trust God completely. I cannot determine what I am going through...can't tell if it's depression, grief, fear or anticipatory grief. I am often at the bedside of dying patients and their family members. How am I able to help them, when I'm not able to help myself? I'm so fearful about what my emotional state will become when the first of my parents dies. They are in deep depression now, and I am the one they lean on. I'm able to rise to the occasion, but only until I return home. What do I need to do to get out of this pit?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Tommie,

Thanks for your note and questions, and for your honesty about yourself.

As we read your note, a paraphrase of the famous line fits here, “caregiver, heal thyself!”

Sadly, we’re not surprised that you’re confused about how to identify what you’re experiencing. There’s so much misinformation and so much psychobabble floating around out there, we’re surprised when anyone can accurately identify what they’re feeling.

Based on what you wrote, we have no doubt that it can all be said in one word, and you already said it, “grief.” Not depression [especially if you were not clinically depressed before], and not what you called anticipatory grief, because we don’t think any such thing exists. The idea of anticipatory grief being that you can predetermine what you will feel if and when something happens in the future. At best, that’s inaccurate; at worst it causes you to live out-of-the-moment, which makes you essentially unavailable to those who are actually in your life today.

However, we do think that fear is a real component of grief. Fear is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss. When someone important to us dies, our brain asks the fear-based survival question, “How will I go on without that person?”

With all that said, talk is cheap. It’s time for action. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook The subtitle of the book is, “The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses, including Health, Career, and Faith.”

As you read the book and take the actions it outlines, you’ll find the fear lifting; you’ll regain some of the energy that the unresolved grief is draining from you, and you’ll be able to live more effectively in real time.