Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Rather than sit at my desk and beat myself up for feeling depressed (because that always helps), I am now an objective observer.

Okay.

My stomach is in knots and I constantly fight throwing up. I think I'm nervous about something, that something being something I have yet to discover (or perhaps I haven't let myself examine in detail?).

Headaches are again a common occurrence, as is a sort of painful fatigue in the limbs, joints, and muscles of my body. The only routine change I can think of is adding yoga back into my life (never thought I'd miss that, but I do), but last semester it always made me feel better. I still feel better after completing a session.

Honestly, I'm always close to tears. I have to be super careful about not letting things set me off (like a song on the radio, a joking remark from a friend, coworker, family member, etc., a low score, among other things).

When I sleep, I have nightmares. When I don't sleep, well. That's no good for anyone.

This self-exam is leading to evaluating what I'm thinking about, or evaluating what I'm not letting myself admit that I'm thinking about. And so. I will now put it in writing and make it legitimate.

I am, without a doubt, absolutely terrified of getting married. Don't get me wrong, I. Love. Adam. So. Much. And I want to be with him forever. All of our talk, though, and the continual progression towards marriage is scaring me to death. Not all of the time, but more often than I let myself admit.

Spending money on a ring...ugh. That is probably the thing I worry about the most.

Neck and neck with that is planning a wedding without causing serious conflict between family members. Shoot me now. But at least my family likes Adam. That's one less thing to worry about.

Finals are in two weeks for me -- my classes don't have finals like the rest of the university does. I'm so behind, and this has been the hardest, worst semester academics-wise for me in my entire life.

Finding a place to live is going to be a nightmare -- and that's after going through the difficulty of moving back home in June when the House owners come back.

Huh. No wonder I feel sick -- never have I faced such huge changes in my life.

Boo. I don't like feeling sad and worried and sick. And I really, really don't like crying. Nor do I have the time to do so.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head, and it just plays over and over again until you think you'll go crazy? Especially those songs where you only know some of the words, or no words at all, and it's a super catchy bridge part that no one cares about?

Today I've had a phrase stuck in my head that won't go away.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor in the far corner, thinking about the current mantra my mind has chosen for itself and wondering where in the world it came from. Out of nowhere, unexpected. BAM.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm half tempted to go look up some really terrible, obnoxious song to replace the phrase my brain is spinning like ticker tape across my mental eye. But all I can think of is "Friday," and that song is a bit too awful for my liking.

One of my most proud moments in my life was when I conquered my fear of shoulder-deep water and the possible loss of fingers to sharks and stingrays at the Living Planet Aquarium touch pool. Ever since that day a few years ago, I wanted to go back and visit the little swimming critters.

What's one of the best things about being in a serious dating relationship? You always have someone who is willing to go with you to the random places you find. Like on Saturday.

I feel like we should look more scared right now.

Ermergersh, ERTTERS! Or otters -- probably the best part of the entire aquarium (besides petting the stingray).

Somethin's fishy...

Yup! Fishy...sneaky!

me with my stingray buddy (we had a nice conversation) and Adam with his shark friend

Yup. He's adorable. Not to mention he bought me a stuffed otter toy -- we named her Chloe.

So much fun. I love, love aquariums. I think part of it is because I'm so fascinated with ocean creatures, but I'm terrified of the actual ocean. As in won't go in the water above my ankles terrified. But everything in the ocean? Awesome. As long as I'm not in there with them, I mean.

Monday, March 25, 2013

I don't know what it is, but I keep getting hit with this head-aching, toe-curling, stomach-twisting, heart-wrenching panic.

All night and all day long I've been fighting throwing up or collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor. Not kidding -- it's almost happened.

Maybe it's the semester coming to a close, with so much to do.
Maybe it's the amount of work I've been given at the library, now that Jeff is leaving.
Maybe it's the lack of money in my bank account.
Maybe it's the idea of moving home in a couple of months.
Maybe it's the pain in my body that never quite goes away.
Maybe it's the fear of losing everything I hold most dear.
Maybe it's the thought of leaving Kala when I move.
Maybe it's the guilt that often creeps into my mind, for seemingly no reason.

Perhaps it's time to go home now. I don't know what it is about work, but every time I come down here, I feel incredibly anxious. Which is silly, because it's not like anything or anyone can get to me down here. All doors require security access, and even if you shot the sensors or the door, you couldn't get it open (Jeff explained it once, but I don't remember how that works). Although, there are several dozens of feet of duct work, shelving, books, concrete, wood, furniture, computers, dirt, and students above my head.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

One of the few places that I feel total peace is on the grounds of the temple. In this crazy, noisy, topsy-turvy world, I often find that my head and heart start being just as crazy, noisy, and topsy-turvy. Just walking in the gardens and sitting on the steps of the temple helps me get my spiritual bearings -- I drop my cares and worries for a moment, basking in the glow of the sun on the temple walls.

Sunday saw a visit to the St. George temple -- we stopped there before returning home from our spur of the moment adventure. Jeff, Chelsea, Adam, and I took turns taking pictures of one another on the grounds, soaking up the sunshine and enjoying one another's company.

Monday, March 18, 2013

BYU has an age old tradition of not giving its students a spring break. The reasons they give seem to make sense, such as "you get out of school a week earlier than everyone else" and "it only prolongs time until finals." But we all know the truth: it's because they want to keep us away from all of the other colleges who are out partying, where we might get into trouble.

True story.

Due to dire need of a reprieve from school, work, and regular life in general, my housemate and I put our feet down and told our men that a holiday was in order. Late Thursday night saw hotel plans and grocery lists set, and 12 hours later we four were in the car for a St. George vacation, our very own fake break.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Once upon a time, a green-eyed young man showed up at my house with a small bottle of green nail polish, two heating packs, a bag of Darkside Skittles, and a hello kiss on his lips. Why was this such a grand surprise?

1) the nail polish was a color I pointed out at the store more than three weeks ago -- I noticed the pretty color and commented that it would be perfect for spring time, especially if paired with little pink flowers. And who remembered and brought it to me on a rough day? Adam did.
2) the heating packs are absolutely marvelous for the aches
3) never heard of Darkside Skittles, but the Forbidden Fruit flavor is now up there on the candy list
4) who wouldn't want a hello kiss from her sweetheart?

And so now I have green toe nails because I can't paint my fingernails until tomorrow afternoon -- Henry 5 is still running, and my characters can't have green fingernails.

Friday, March 8, 2013

As some of you know, I haven't had the best health for the past two years or so. For a few months, I was improving, and I was excited to get back into "normal" life. However, things have taken a bit of a turn and are gradually worsening.

I admit that frustration and hopelessness start setting in at times. I haven't missed so much school since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never had this many sick days at work (thank heavens my supervisor is understanding and offers his help wherever he can). While I've always been aware of financial difficulties, I've never before felt so pinched. And I've never, ever felt so tired, never. Not only that, but my dad's getting worse as well -- though he won't admit it.

Is it ironic to anyone else that now, at possibly one of the hardest times in my life, I'm happier than I've ever been? Listing out the worries on my mind somehow brings a smile to my face. Yes, I'm physically uncomfortable most of the time, and I worry about losing my dad, but inside, I feel at peace. Every time I start worrying and the concerns press on my mind, I'm able to sit back and think about how good my life really is.

For example. Though I've missed a lot of school, I'm keeping up and am still getting good grades. My work supervisor is incredibly helpful. Money is a serious concern, but it keeps working out every time I really need something. I'm sleeping more frequently than I have in years. And dad is still here, and always happy to spend time with me.

After the third doctor's appointment this month, they finally decided that it's time to start looking for the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. I'll get the test results in a few days -- I'm hoping things will be okay. And they will be -- everything has been working out so far. I don't see why it won't continue to do so.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. For so many things -- although, the wait time for me and Adam continually shortens. So excited.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Adam (yes -- he does have a name) and I had quite the adventure on Saturday. We visited the Mummies of the World exhibit at the Leonardo Museum in Salt Lake City. While it was educational and interesting, I felt that the exhibit designers had leaned a bit on the theatrical side of presentation, rather than focusing on the informational and historical elements of the collection.

I'm very grateful that I've found someone who will allow me to muse about the moral and ethical dilemmas that I find when I visit museums and explore the exhibitions (seeing as it is what I intend to study when I go to graduate school). There is a large debate on the proper handling and displaying of human remains. As I walked through and observed the Mummies of the World exhibition, I was concerned at the way the exhibit designers emphasized the dramatics and mystery of studying mummies. The dim lighting is understandable, as certain light frequencies can damage the delicate remains. What I noticed was the combination of the lighting, the music, and the use of shroud-like fabric to separate the segments of the collection.

It was quite tomb-like. There was a certain creepiness to the atmosphere -- starting with the narration of the introductory video all the way through the end. Yes, there is mystery to mummies, and a certain morbid curiosity which I admittedly possess. But the emphasis on it was too much for me.

Some of the mummies they showed were also quite iffy to me -- particularly the mummies of the human fetuses. I felt that some of the mummies were displayed less for educational purposes and more for spectacle or shock factor. A couple of times I found myself wondering how the person who inhabited the body on display feels about the handling and exhibition. I believe in post-mortal existence, as I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It concerned me that the manner of display was not respectful enough, that it was all for show and dramatics, rather than in the interest of preserving the life and peoples of the past.

I was also frustrated with some of the language of the exhibit, which stated absolutes and information that we supposedly "know" and can derive completely, questions we can answer with certainty. Sometimes the language was not prescriptive; there were instances when the language was ambiguous, phrases like "this may have" and "it is possible." Those are perfect -- it is what museums in general strive for. What is not perfect is stating a fact about something that we cannot possibly know. We cannot presume to interpret meanings from things we really have no idea about. Interpretation is not the focus of current academia.

There are multiple debates going on regarding these issues, including the Native American tribes and the display of those remains and interpretation of artifacts. The same debates are occurring with mummies and other things.

Poor, dear boy -- I think he's getting a better taste of what he's headed in to. But after Saturday, he still seems to love me quite a bit. A bit more than I realized, I think.

I love that man. So very much. How could I not, when he takes me to museums on his free days, treats me to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, lets me wax philosophical about the moral concerns in my field of study, harmonizes at the table while holding my hands and looking into my eyes, lets me wear his awesome leather jacket, puts up with my outbursts of silliness and OCD-ness at Pixel PlayLand, holds me close to him during church, sits with me when the pain becomes too much, and invites my family to dinner with us so he can get to know them better?

He was very involved in the circuitry boards -- he likes the kind of stuff.

Friday, March 1, 2013

...you eat Disney princess Sphagettio's and drink Martinelli's for dinner together, and he talks about how much he enjoyed it for three days after

...he tells you that you're beautiful when your hair is a mess, you have no make-up on, and you're wearing sweats -- and you believe him

...a single text message can brighten your entire day

...you get butterflies from a simple kiss on the forehead or the back of your hand

...his advice for your biographical sketch on your scholarship application includes "write 'I'm the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl at the school and you should give me money because someday, when my face is on a magazine, BYU will be famous, too. But not as famous as me because I'm just that awesome."

...you do dishes together and it's no longer a chore

...he tells your dog that he loves her and that she's a beautiful sweetheart

...you're encouraged to do your best and be your best, even when you personally don't want to

...he falls asleep on the floor next to the couch as you type up your paper, and when you ask him why he didn't just go home he replies and says, "Because I know that you've been hurting a lot lately, and it's easier for you to deal with when you're not alone -- just my being here helps you feel better. I love you."

...you can't help but smile at the mere memory of the look on his face when he says that he loves you

...you never open a door and you never carry something heavier than 10 pounds

...little notes and small treats mean more to you than the most expensive dinner or most elaborate evening out

...a single rose becomes a treasured possession

...you wish you could express the way you feel, but it's so incredible and beautiful that no words, no pictures, no music -- nothing -- can do justice to the joy and wonder that you feel inside