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Kenny and I noticed my mother's cognitive abilities starting to slip a bit about 5 years ago. (she will turn 79 in a few months)My health was also declining and I could see the writing on the wall.Sure enough, her cognitive issues became more apparent over the following years.We encouraged her to think about moving and tried to get her to have her doc check her for early signs of Alzheimers but she can be stubborn!

We sat her down again in February 2012 and explained to her that she really needs to move.(I am her only family living in CT, everyone else lives in Minnesota including both of my sisters)Kenny works long hours and also helps take care of me when needed.I have had 116 medical appointments since 1/1/2011. (keeping track for SSDI)My biggest fear was that I would be unable to give her the care that she would need and I also didn't think it was reasonable to add even more weight on Kenny's shoulders. (my mother adores him)

Most importantly, we thought the move would be best for her.We think it might not be much longer before she will be needing assisted care.Physically she is doing well for her age, mentally not so much.

So here we are. Her house sold fairly quickly (8 months).The past 6 months her decline seemed to be getting steeper.I have some guilt seeing her struggle mentally and dealing with such a big move at this point in her life.Depression is also a factor for her.She has always been a tough lady and the frustration she is facing is sad to see.She knows her mind is slipping fast.

She found an apartment which she thinks will be temporary for a year while she shops for a condo (not). It is only a few minutes drive from one of my sisters.

Anyway, I wish I was better able to help her if she stayed here but am still convinced this is the right decision.It's frustrating to me that the timing of both of our health issues happened this way.At least I know that I was there for here when she needed me for the past 30 years.

PS- My parents divorced the year I became poz.My dad lives upstairs in my older sister's house.It was a pretty messy split.Can't wait to here about the holidays.

Happily (if this type of decision is ever that) your timing seems to be right. So many of us wait till an emergency forces a decision. It's good you looked ahead to what your mother's future needs would be.

Even if you were in good health it would be impossible to care for your mother on your own. It's a situation that takes an extended family to deal with. Even so, it will be stressful for everyone involved.

Of course you miss her and wish you could have done more. Keep in touch with her as much as you can and be glad she's getting the care she needs now and in the future.

It's good you were proactive and chose the "least bad" of the possible choices.

Hi Mitch , doing the right thing is hard sometime but its clear to everyone on this forum what a nice guy you are and this is another example of why your so well thought of .

Being a good parent or a good son or daughter isn't easy , but you are making the hard decisions for the good of your mom and sometimes knowing you did the right thing out of love is your only comfort .

My mom has Alzheimer's and lives 2 hours from here , I don't go see her as much as I should but your thread was a reminder for me to step it up , so I will get up early tomorrow and be there in time to take her to lunch . You are doing the right thing for your mom and I want to thank you for reminding me to do the same for mine . Hugs bud .

That's tough Mitch, I feel for you. But you are doing the right thing, she needs to be where she can be looked after and taken care of properly. Just make sure your sisters are keeping very very close tabs on her. I say this because my grandmother had Alzheimers and started leaving home (on foot) and getting lost, and also letting pots boil dry on the stove. We didnt think she was "that far gone" because she was pretty with it mostly but she would have these lapses when crazy stuff like the above would happen.

I am sorry that this is happening to you and your family Mitch. Planning ahead like this is hard bit I think much better than constantly dealing with events as they arise,Wish you all the strength there is.m

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Mitch a tough decision but a good one for the circumstances...when my Mom started having those sort of issues we ( brother and sisters) found great complex that had the 3 levels of housing .1... independant ( condo).....2.... assisted living... private room with daily support .......3..full care ( Alzheimer's ) unit ....the deal was you were guaranteed to be able to move from one to the other as needed

she was able to keep the condo for 5 yrs before moving to to a private room and finally at age 97 to full care..

Thank you all very much for your kind words and thoughts.It is going to be difficult knowing that frequent visits will be a thing of the past but it was the best option and I again thank you all for the reassurance.

Kenny went over to her house on Wednesday to meet with the movers.(we thought she had called them weeks ago.)She had been telling us for months that she was going to have the movers pack everything for her but when the guy went around her house asking if she wanted them to pack this or that, she kept saying "Oh, I'll pack that myself". By the time he left it looked like a daunting job ahead.

Kenny called the guy back and got a price for the move including packing up everything.He called mom (I think she realized how little time was left and was busy packing in panic mode) and told her about the "new and improved" moving plan.She had a big sigh of relief and said, "Does this mean I don't have to keep packing?".

Now, due to her delay in calling the movers, her things (including a piano) will be put into storage here in CT until a truck headed to the Midwest becomes available.($1500 surcharge)And, she might have to wait until mid June for delivery.Guess she will be bunking in with my younger sister for a couple of weeks.There is not a proper emoticon here to show the expression of my sister's face when she hears this news.

Well, I think my mother has snapped.In a 20 minute phone call she repeated herself 6 or 7 times.She woke up from a nap at 7:30 pm to answer the phone and asked what we were doing up so early in the morning.She thinks I am trying to push her out of my life. Yikes.It is as if she is taking a nosedive.Rational thought is now rare. (i'm talking in the past 2 weeks)I had NO idea cognitive abilities could slide so fast.

My Aunt on my father's side of the family had Alzheimers and woke up in the middle of the night while my sister was staying with her.She was standing in the kitchen in front of the microwave.When my sister asked her what she was doing, she replied that she was trying to get some money out of the ATM.

We laugh about it but the reality isn't all that funny.But hey, laughing helps us all cope.I hope to keep people laughing til the clock runs out... intentional or otherwise.

ps- we LTS really never imagined that we would live to see our parents fail.what a weird life.

Off course no one can say for sure wether this deterioration is permanent or a reaction to the upcoming move, but I think it is very important to remind our selves that moving home is consistently ranked in the top 5 most stressfull events and that's for fully cognitively able folks.

I know from past experience that when an individual , dealing with your Mothers problems are leading a regular settled life that suits then there improvement in day to day abilities can soar.

What works against this is stress and disruption , safety disrupted and that is what moving house is.

I would not yet assess this current behaviour as the new bench mark. However I would not expect it to get better until she is settled and day to day routines can be established.

At the moment all you and your family can do is make sure you all all singing from the same song sheet, use every form off memory aid your Mum will except. A written diary off the events over the coming weeks written out in mini poster form is usefull, with events completed ticked off, jobs to done allocated to individuals , thereby putting the emphasis on tasks completed not always the 101 things to do.

As to her feelings off being rejected again constant repetition and reassurance can help contain this anxiety.

Sorry if any off this is teaching you how suck eggs, and there is no way to get away from the anxiety & fear she and her loved ones will experience but these interventions do help

Best wishes Michael

« Last Edit: May 19, 2013, 05:54:05 AM by Theyer »

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

We will get through this.She seems to have hit a new "bench mark" every 6 months.She doesn't always remain at the peak but it has taken a toll on her each year and the trend line seems to be turning into a steep decline.We do our best (especially Kenny) to keep her calm but much of it is beyond our control.Her flight home is less than 2 weeks away, so the added stress should dissipate soon after she gets settled in a bit.

Its tough to watch sometime isn't it ? . My moms symptoms of Alzheimer's get worse when she is stressed or upset , I've noticed she seems worse when she is tired to .

I believe even people's without Alzheimer's abilities get messy when stressed or tired. I know I have a hard time keeping on task, or dealing with things like memory, ability to keep things together etc., when I'm stressed. How much more it must be for someone who is going through Alzheimer's.

Mitch, I know this is tough for you, but you wouldn't be doing your mom any favors by keeping her living by you if you aren't able to effectively deal with her illness (plus all that's going on with you). You're doing the right thing and you'll feel better about it day by day.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Mitch, I know this is tough for you, but you wouldn't be doing your mom any favors by keeping her living by you if you aren't able to effectively deal with her illness (plus all that's going on with you). You're doing the right thing and you'll feel better about it day by day.

Thanks Betty,

While I realized that this was the best plan 4 or 5 years ago, it took her much longer to understand the impact of her condition.Kenny and I really never strayed from the idea. It just took time for the seed to take root in my mother's mind.

The benefits:

She will get the care she needs.The stress being a caregiver will be easier (not easy) with both of my healthy sisters working together.Less stress on me. (this is where the guilt creeps in at times, but I'm getting over it)My sisters will have some time to enjoy my mother's company. (I have to admit there is a touch of sarcasm in that statement)

The down side:

We will miss her.Living with that much physical distance will be difficult for me/us to visit often and I wonder how long she will retain her faculties. (we will be calling on the phone at least)

Mitch, would your Mum take to Skype? I realize this would include others to help guide the process but she would get the visual off you and Kenny . Maybe 68 on to think about list at the moment . All off this is sad but I do agree with Betty and others that you and Kenny are doing the right thing and at a guess so does your Mum as there would be much more distress.Wishing you all wellMichael

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Mitch, would your Mum take to Skype? I realize this would include others to help guide the process but she would get the visual off you and Kenny .

Thanks Michael but I just told Kenny of your suggestion and he started laughing. Even the idea of her anywhere near a computer is scary. (this coming from me, who is pretty laughable when it comes to computers)The phone will be fine.

Keep in mind that it's only for a few days, and the last time you'll see her in person for a while. Try to make the best of it and don't let it get your down or your blood pressure up. We need you to be in good spirits and health for your op.

Even though I haven't had any direct experience (ie with my own parents), I have had plenty of experience with ex-partners' parents going through similar. One passed a few years ago, but my ex-mother-in-law is causing my ex-husband untold grief at the moment.

She's at that point where she shouldn't be living alone, but she won't move over to the Rock, despite the fact that her son bought a suitable house where they both could live - expressly so she could come live with him. (It has an upper floor she couldn't access so he'd have a bolt-hole and privacy, and the downstairs is mobility-impaired friendly.)

He's an only child and at his wits end trying to help. He can only get so much time off work to go over to see her, but he can't leave the Rock to live with her due to the economy and finding a new job at his age (over 60 - she's over 90, still compos-mentis, but frail).

The only saving grace in the situation at the moment is that her neighbour is a retired nurse who is happy to check in on her once or twice a day (for a small stipend), but it's getting to the point where that's not really enough. She's going to need looking after full time soon.

It's going to come down to either putting her in a home (which nobody wants), or forcibly making her move over here (which nobody's happy about either - the forcing part, that is). I'm willing to help out with her during the day (he lives down the road and we're on good, brother/sister type terms), but she seems to think she'll be all on her own.

This despite the fact that she has more living family and friends here on the Rock than she does over in England. She and her husband spent their summers here for years and years and she still has close friends here that she made during that time.

It has to be said; it's no fun getting a stubborn old woman to understand that we're trying to do what's best for her. It's downright frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time.

So anyway Mitch, I empathise with what's going on with you and your mum. I hope you can create more happy memories with her over the next few days than unhappy ones. I'll be thinking of you all (and I have been since you started this thread, I just didn't post).

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

thank you Ann.how sweet!yup, these stubborn old people can't seem to see the forest through the trees.

as far as her remaining time here...it might be different than expected.I woke up in the middle of the night from a sudden and sharp pain in my head.(kinda like an ice cream headache)It didn't last long (the sharpness) but have had a horrible hangover type headache ever since. (the kind that even a gentle cough make your head feel like it's about to explode)also slight sore throat and mild nausea.seems like some kind of bug to me.hope it is very short lived! crappy timing once again.I need my surgery!!!

off to nap for the third time today.

hope your ex is able to convince his mom of the best option.very generous of you to offer your help!

woke up today without the headache/sore throat/nausea! yay! must have been a 24 hour bug. mom's movers today to finish packing things in boxes.tomorrow, everything gets put in the truck and carted away.I think mom is starting to feel a bit better about the whole thing.keeping my fingers crossed that she continues on this path.

woke up today without the headache/sore throat/nausea! yay! must have been a 24 hour bug. mom's movers today to finish packing things in boxes.tomorrow, everything gets put in the truck and carted away.I think mom is starting to feel a bit better about the whole thing.keeping my fingers crossed that she continues on this path.

Its good to hear you are feeling better . I was very sure I was coming down with something the other day and it was being overly tired and stressed , a good nights sleep and I was good to go .

thanks Jeff.i'm sure I had some kinda bug.one of the worst 24 hour headaches!odd that it hit me with a punch in the middle of the night.thought it might have been a stroke when it hit but was too sleepy to deal with it until the morning. (kidding but it did strike me as being very strange)never had one quite like it.

I'm glad you're feeling better too - and also that your mum is coming around to the idea of it all.

I've got some good news too - my daughter just came home for a few days yesterday evening (she teaches primary school in SE England) and she always stops off at her gran's (in the NW) for a few days on her way through.

Long story short, we had a family dinner at my house last night (me, The Child and Baby-Daddy ) and after the The Child's report concerning her gran-visit, he's finally decided to put his foot down and get her (gran) moved over here. We'll do it while The Child is on her school holidays. She's very close to her gran and it will make the whole thing so much easier. (Her gran thinks the sun shines out of her... well... you know...)

Anyway, knowing your mum is starting to feel better - or at least more accepting - of having to move gives me hope for our situation. So thanks for that.

By the way - "The Child" is our affectionate term for our adult (26 y/o) daughter, but not usually used in her presence unless we're trying to tease her. Her father doesn't know I refer to him these days as Baby-Daddy - I just think it's funny because of our daughter's nickname. Your mileage may vary on the humour factor.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Long story short, we had a family dinner at my house last night (me, The Child and Baby-Daddy ) and after the The Child's report concerning her gran-visit, he's finally decided to put his foot down and get her (gran) moved over here. We'll do it while The Child is on her school holidays. She's very close to her gran and it will make the whole thing so much easier. (Her gran thinks the sun shines out of her... well... you know...)

Anyway, knowing your mum is starting to feel better - or at least more accepting - of having to move gives me hope for our situation. So thanks for that.

By the way - "The Child" is our affectionate term for our adult (26 y/o) daughter, but not usually used in her presence unless we're trying to tease her. Her father doesn't know I refer to him these days as Baby-Daddy - I just think it's funny because of our daughter's nickname. Your mileage may vary on the humour factor.

Lol! Hope the "tag team" of The Child and Baby Daddy succeed in their attempt quicker than it worked for Kenny and I. Best of luck!

The Mama Drama begins today. I can only hope that The Patience that you are sending my way will arrive on time and show up with her best friend Mr. Sanity.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I hasn't arrived yet and it better get here soon!I will send some back for sure. You're gonna need it.

So...Mom pops by this morning (we live about 3 miles apart) with a few bags and boxes and she said she was starving because there was nothing left in the house to eat.She drank a glass of orange juice and took off back to her house.

Well, I just HAD to see what the heck she was bringing here that she thought shouldn't be taken away today by the movers. (last chance)Hmmm... surprise, surprise... an orange! Then onward to the boxes...Box #1... a flashlight and a scotch tape dispenser. Wait, it gets better...Box #2... another flashlight and another scotch tape dispenser along with not one, not two, but THREE alarm clocks!

The stress is high but not for the reasons expected.Mom's mind has reverted to a 5 year old.It took me an hour to try to get her to decide on what clothes she wanted to wear for the next 2 days. Ugh.This morning she was talking to Kenny about her flight time. He said, "Ok, yup, I know, I gotta go now"(to work) and she said, "But who is going to take me to the airport?".Her flight is Sunday! Ugh.This is just the tip of the iceberg.Her mental state in the past week is an eye opening popping experience.Dementia=bad. I'm not sure if/how much she will "recover" when she settles in to a routine.Spoke to one sister 2 days ago and emailed the other today to update them.My gut feeling is that she will be needing assisted living care in the very very near future. My mother has always been a strong person and the frustration that she is feeling about her own mind failing is heartbreaking.The mother I knew is already gone.m.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Hi Mitch, sorry your mom is suffering with dementia, I am also dealing with my 91 year old mom's dementia though it is not as bad as your mom's yet or others who have posted. The fear and uncertainty as to how bad it will eventually get is extremely stressful. You and your family are in my thoughts during these difficult times.

Jody

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"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world". "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Today is a bit better. Still not good. She tried on the pants that she was going to wear today (to go to lunch with friends) 3 times yesterday. This morning she had to try them on again saying, "I've got to try these on, I haven't had them on since last summer". Her friends show up and she tells them she isn't feeling good enough to go out to lunch. Less than 24 hours to go.Then time to zone out for Monday and the hatchet man.Mama drama saga is almost over...at least at this end.m.

Yesterday she needed some cash for the next week or so. I told her to write out a check to me and I would go get her the cash from my account at the bank.She pulled out her checkbook along with a post-it note.She started writing yet another note.I asked her what she was writing and she said she was writing a note to remind her to write me a check. (wonder if she could get away with that at Walmart?)

Last minute at the airport she insisted on getting a pen to write down that she needs to remember that she has 2 carry on bags to take off the plane with her when she arrives.Gave my sister the heads up and she will be meeting mom at the gate.

Time for me to take a breath and relax.Had a nice lunch when we got home at a restaurant along the Connecticut River. (a mere 1/2 block away)Beautiful warm breezy day to enjoy winding down from this.

Thanks again for all of your comments, support, and putting up with the saga!Now on to better things!Surgery.I think it will be a piece of cake after this past week.

Hi Mitch...wondering how your mom is adjusting to her new environment? My parents are both around 70, and I am seeing the age changes in them more and more. I will do what I can for them, but I do hope that both of my sisters will help out as we all live close by. It is a little sad to see them getting forgetful and especially my dad, who has always been so particular and on point with everything. I hope you are doing well. Take care HCJ

Hi Mitch...wondering how your mom is adjusting to her new environment? My parents are both around 70, and I am seeing the age changes in them more and more. I will do what I can for them, but I do hope that both of my sisters will help out as we all live close by. It is a little sad to see them getting forgetful and especially my dad, who has always been so particular and on point with everything. I hope you are doing well. Take care HCJ

Hi HCJ,Thanks for asking.She seems to be adjusting to everything but I wonder how long this stage will last. At least now that the stress of the move is out of the way she can keep herself busy setting up her apartment and this might also help with her depression.Ya, it's sad to see our parents lose cognitive ability. Makes you realize that we're next in line. Maybe we will be facing different issues but "age happens". Glad you have your sisters to help! Best to you! m.