Assaults on the Casually Mundane by K. Jean King

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All the cool kids are doing it. In today’s society, one’s street credibility is directly proportionate to how far one’s pants sag from the waistline.

“See that guy with the spider web tattooed to his elbow? He killed a guy.”

“So what? I expose my jockey shorts. Ain’t got nothin’ on me.”

As impressive as it is to watch these young bulls trolling down the streets, holding their pants up with their hands, thus negating the use of pants in the first place, some people don’t care for it. Surprisingly, some people are repulsed rather than impressed falling helplessly witness to some asshole’s asshole. They are calling for a ban on saggy pants.

It’s a fine goal, to be sure, requiring that today’s youth be fully clothed in public at all times. A ban on saggy pants would free up pant-holding hands for more useful activities like helping old ladies across the street, picking up litter, or planting community herb gardens.

But where exactly are these saggy pants being banned? Are they individual places, like church or school?

“Tighten that belt, son. God doesn’t want to see your Calvin Klines.”

Or is it a more substantial, earthwide ban?

“I’m sorry, sir. Your pants are two inches below the minimal earth requirement. Please board this shuttle for the moon. No one cares what you look like there.”

But what’s more important is that, no matter where they’re being banned, who is supposed to be enforcing this? Perhaps it is another task that will fall to local police departments.

“License and registration, please. Have you been drinking tonight sir? And how many inches of your boxers are exposed? All right, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.”

Or perhaps there would be instituted a saggy-pant taskforce, specifically created to tackle the plaguing problem of droopy drawers. They would stalk the streets, on the lookout for fashion offenders, just waiting for the next bare-bottomed offender.

“Yo! Quick, tighten your belt! It’s the saggy pants police!”

We all encounter stuff we don’t like. And sometimes we can see things without being able to put our fingers on it precisely. We say, “Ban saggy pants!” but what we mean is, “Can we please return to a culture of self-respect?”

Irregulatble regulations are certainly not the way to go about it. Instead of disallowing sagging pants, what we should be doing is allowing public pantsing of those who refuse to wear their waists on their waists. You don’t like your pants on your hips? Well now they’re around your ankles. You’re welcome.