“Those” Moments

Many of us have had them. Perhaps all of us have had them, I don’t know.

Those moments.

The moments when we do something that is slightly out of character for us, but it is in pursuit of something greater in ourselves, in the world, in reality. The moments when we can sense the overshadowing of something greater in the world of ourselves and the situation we’re in. This is the moment of a Presence, and it is difficult to explain, but I can say that in those moments, we know that God is going with us.

Mostly I have seen this happen when I have been on the cusp of falling in love with someone. I went somewhere, I changed pace, and as I went, God was suddenly there with me, looming (though this sounds negative, it is not), encouraging me forth, pushing me to the goal.

These are the moments that astound and amaze us, the moments that we cling to when our relationships or loves have left us or ignored us or what have you. These are the moments that we remember: “But my God, that was so perfect- it was so right, it was so real. What happened?”

These, yes, are the moments so incredibly right and perfect in our lives that our first instinct is to not believe they are real. That 10% of life that’s so wonderful and the way life is supposed to be and so incredibly good that we can effortlessly embrace it and adore it and enjoy it and revel in it.

That’s the 10-10-80 formula. 10% of life is full of amazingly happy moments, 10% of life is full of amazingly terrible moments, and the other 80% becomes what you make it. That formula’s a bit rough, of course, but I’ve heard it mentioned before.

But maybe those great, unbelievable moments aren’t even about happiness- they’re more like a deep sense of fulfillment. A moment of knowing you are exactly who you are and where you’re supposed to be.

When I was with Howl and Swifty the other night, we were at a closed Winn-Dixie, getting movies from the Red Box. I walked, alone, over to the other side of the building to buy a drink. The sky was dark, the parking lot was empty, and the three of us were there, just the three us, and I was the odd man out.

But I didn’t care, because as I walked in my bright red shirt and Japanese beanie and japa mala swinging around my neck, I knew in that moment, in that pleasant weather and in that depth of night and with that cold diet soft drink firmly held in my hand that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I wanted to do, being exactly who I was meant to be, and nothing, not the dogma of Christianity, not the delusions of the Actual Freedom Trust, not any platitudes spit out by New Age Positive Thinkers, not Dustin’s pseudo-intellectual homophobic bullshit, nothing could compare with the deep sense of fulfillment in that moment, the deep sense of rightness, wholeness, completeness, effortlessness, and goodness in that moment. That was a moment that was meant to be, that was a moment that was meant to happen, that was a moment I could embrace, even if it wasn’t permanent, even if it just happened then and there. That was the moment that was as it should be.

That was one of “those” moments.

Why it happened, how it happened, I’m not totally sure. I went along for the ride. I expressed my individuality. I claimed my power somewhere, somehow. And that was that.

Then we all went back to Howl’s house and watched the movie Devil, which turned out to be a good watch.