The Boston Celtics: One night after beating LeBron's new superteam in Boston, the Celtics boogied to Cleveland to face LeBron's old not-so-superteam. The "Unamazing" Cavaliers trotted out a null-star starting lineup of Anthony Parker, Ramon Sessions, Andy Varejao, J.J. Hickson and Jamario Moon...

...and they beat the Celtics.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what happened here. Maybe it was Ray Allen going 0-for-5 from downtown, or Kevin Garnett's 3-for-8 shooting performance, or the fact that Paul Pierce didn't do all that much (13 points, 2 rebounds, 2 assists). It could've been the 19 turnovers, or even David Stern's one-commissioner war against Rajon Rondo's headband.

Or maybe the Cavs just wanted it more.

Said Sessions: "It felt like Game 7 of the finals. I've never been to the finals, but that was the type of atmosphere here."

Added Antawn Jamison: "This was for the city, It was for the fans to let them know the Cavs will survive and this is a place where you can still watch good basketball. And most of all, you can watch a team that wins. Guys in this locker room believe."

Concluded Shaq: "We took them a little bit too lightly."

The Detroit Pistons: "Destination Doom" indeed. Detroit opened the season on the road against the New Jersey Nyets, a team that -- in case you forgot or something -- won only 12 games last season and took their rightful place in the "Worst Teams of All Time" wing in the Basketbawful Hall of Shame...

...and they beat the Pistons.

Mind you, Detroit was ahead 95-88 with 1:40 to go before their daring collapsing. But you know what the win burglar was in this one? Foul shooting. The Pistons went 16-for-30 from the line, with our old buddy Ben Wallace (2-for-8) playing the role of Big Chief Brick Layer. You don't have to be a mathlete to understand 14 misguided freebies are a pretty big deal in a 3-point loss.

Terrence Williams: An anonymous reader said: "Terrence Williams deserves a WOTN mention. Dude grabbed a defensive rebound with the Nets up by 3 and was fouled with 1.6 seconds remaining. He just needed to hit one free throw to ice this thing, under the watchful eyes of the new owner. And he missed the both. At least he had a co-game high 3 turnovers."

Avery Johnson, emotional quote machine: "Nothing is really perfect but this was a beautiful ending. If this was a movie, for a team coming out of a situation we were coming out of, for a new team coming together, it's a beautiful ending."

The Toronto Craptors: The Bricks shot 43 percent from the field, clanked 17 of their 24 three-point attempts and assisted on only 12 of their 38 field goals...

...and they beat the Craptors.

Toronto opened the post-Bosh era with a starting five of Andrea Bargnani, Reggie Evans, Jarrett Jack, Linas Kleiza and DeMar DeRozan. The results were predictable: 38 percent shooting, 3-for-10 from downtown and a home loss to a somewhat less lousy team.

Man, it's going to be a long season for Craptors fans.

Update! From Basketbawful reader The Other Chris:

"Man, it's going to be a long season for Craptors fans."

Nods in silent agreement, sobs in corner.

The attempted game tying three by the Craptors at the end of the game was truly all that is bawful. Jarrett Jack dribbles along the baseline - WHY?? - and then finds the guy, Leandro Barbosa, who:

a) is playing with a cast on his hand

b) was 6/15 at that point

c) according to science, by NBA standards, is basically a midget

He chucks up a heavily contested three from deep in the corner. Airball. Game over.

Facepalm.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: STAT did his best to offset a double-double (19 points and 10 rebounds) and some surprisingly adequate work on the defensive boards (7) by turning the ball over 9 times. By comparison, the Craptors had 11 turnovers as a team.

Memo to Stoudemire: You aren't Steve Nash.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire, quote machine: "You want to beat the teams you feel you're supposed to beat, so tonight was a big win for us."

The Philadelphia 76ers: Their 20 fast break points were offset by the 24 points they gave up off turnovers. Philly also suffered a 31-11 disadvantage in free throw attempts. In fact, none of their starters attempted a single foul shot. By comparison, Dwyane Wade attempted more freebies (12) than the entire Sixers team.

Whaaaat? The Heat got all the whistles?! Big shock there.

Doug Collins, quote machine: "My starters are not necessarily my best players, that's why I said don't get caught up in who's starting."

Also, Collins said before the game his pieces didn't all fit.

Yep. This should end well.

Andre Iguodala: Before the game, he told the fans in attendence that "we're going to get to where you want us to be."

Uh, Iggy, are you entirely sure you know what the fans want you to be?

Update! Dwyane Wade: From Basketbawful reader Anish: "I think a special WOTN mention should go to Dwayne Wade for his exceptional defense on rookie Evan Turner." Indeed it should, Anish.

LeBron James: After last night's 9-turnover outing in Philly, King Crab has 17 turnovers in his first two games. He just loves to give. Much like the farting preacher.

LeBron James, quote machine, Part 1: "When we have our long ball going like that, it's unlimited what we can do offensively."

LeBron James, quote machine, Part 2: "I've been booed my whole NBA career. They boo you because they love the way you play basketball."

LeBron James, quote machine, Part 3: "I've been a friend of that bulls-eye for a long time."

Andrew Bogut: Andy won't be giving himself any high fives today. Not after going 3-for-10 from the free throw line -- including a brutal six missed freebies in the fourth quarter -- in a 95-91 road loss to the Hornets.

Drew Gooden, quote machine: "Teams are scared of our depth."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Was there any more appropriate way for this dreadful group of sadsack misfits to open a season than with a 117-116 home loss to the Excremento Kings? The Timberpoops were murdalized by a hack-and-slash defense that gave the Purple Paupers a mind-boggling 47-28 edge in free throw attempts.

That's a lot of freebies in a 1-point loss.

Kurt Rambis: Okay, so Kevin Love (11 points, 10 rebounds) logged only 23 minutes, including less than 9 minutes in the second half. Why? According to Rambis, because of Anthony Tolliver's "exceptional" play.

Admittedly, Tolliver had a good game (14 points, 7 rebounds, 4 blocks, 3 assists and a steal) despite going only 3-for-8 from the field. But c'mon, Kurt. Benching your best player in the first game of the season? Really? What kind of message is that sending? And anyway, you're telling me you couldn't play Love and Tolliver together? Seriously?

Darko Milicic: The 20 Million Dollar Man finished with 6 points, 4 rebounds, and 4 blocked shots in 23 minutes. Manna from Heaven! But he got hit with a tech during the fourth quarter for pimp-slapping the ball into the scorer's table after being called for a foul. Did I mention his team lost by a single point? Did I mention that?

Sactown's foul shooting: It's a good thing they got 47 attempts, because they bricked 12 of them. Imagine if the Paupers had lost by a point instead of winning by a digit. I'm just sayin'.

Luke Ridnour, quote machine: "In this league, you've got to play defense. All preseason, that's kind of what carried us and we hung our hat on. It seems like once the lights came on we just didn't execute and do the same things we've done all preseason."

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "Pachulia just killed us on the glass all night long. That was a huge factor."

Teams that can't adjust to Zaza Pachulia will not win.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The Mavericks entered last night's season opener 12-0 all-time against the Bobcats. They ended the game 13-0 all-time.

The 'Cats are an offensively challenged team. We already knew that. So the 39 percent shooting isn't all that shocking. However, the careless ball-handling (21 turnovers) and Warriors-like defense (Dallas shot 55 percent as a team) were a bit of a boggle.

But hey, Kwame Brown (sprained left ankle) didn't play. So there you go.

The Indiana Pacers: There are a select handful of teams in this league that could put up 109 points on 53 percent shooting, score 24 points on the fast break, win the rebounding battle and still lose by double-digits.

Uhm, your team scored 109 points on 53 percent shooting but gave up 122 points on 50 percent shooting. So, yeah, I don't think your offense is the problem.

The Utah Jazz: Yesterday, I read an article about how Al Jefferson is super excited to start this new era of his career with the Jazz. Well, it must have been the same kind of excitement somebody would feel before a rectal exam, because Big Al played like ass (6 points, 2-for-6, and a plus-minus score of -17) in Utah's 110-88 road loss to the Nuggets.

The Jazz were horrible, going 27-for-70 from the field (and 3-for-13 from distance), giving up 19 points off 22 turnovers and missing 12 free throws. The only area of success for the Mormon Musicians was "not slipping on banana peel and falling on head." So they had that going for them.

Deron Williams: 3-for-10 shooting, 6 assists, 4 turnovers. Remember: Deron is the self-proclaimed best point guard in the league.

George Karl, quote machine: On his next goal now that he's back on the sidelines after cancer treatment: "Try to convince Melo the place he wants to be is really Denver. He just doesn't know it yet."

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "Come on, George. Let me play. I'm here. Tonight, I was excited about this game. I can't control what happens out there. Whatever happens, is going to happen. The fans, they want to see basketball. They don't want drama. I don't want drama."

The Houston Rockets: After one grueling game back from injury, Yao Ming was given the night off to protect the peanut brittle out of which he was shaped and molded by Chinese scientists. But even without their "Fragile: Handle With Care" big man, the Rockets managed to earn 52 free throws and score 66 points in the paint en route to a 128-point night.

Too bad they gave up 132 points.

The Warriors -- behind a piping-hot Monta Ellis (46 points, 18-for-24) -- shot 55+ percent from the field and had 27 fast break points. And, amazingly, they won the rebounding battle 45-39.

Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "It was just a poor defensive effort. We scored 128 points and we lose. We have to figure out a way to shore that up."

Added Aaron Brooks: "We ran up against a good offensive team, and they shot the ball lights out. We could have played better defense but credit to them, they were feeling it. At times we broke down, but they just made shots."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Nice debut for Blake Griffin -- 20 points, 8-for-14, 14 rebounds, 4 assists and a steal -- but let's face it: The Clippers are who we thought they were.

In fact, now that Vinny Del Negro is coaching them, they're even more who we thought they were than they've ever been. If that makes any sense. Hence the double-digit home loss despite scoring 50 points in the paint and holding the Frail Blazers (who were coming off the second night of back-to-backs) to 40 percent shooting.

Celtics-Cavs: Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal negated a field goal and a pair of boards for the C's with three turnovers and a foulout in 12:22, resulting in a 9:4 Voskuhl! Meanwhile, fellow leperchaun Von Wafer crunched a foul and giveaway on the floor in 6:57, earning a +2 suck differential.

Pistons-Nets: Stephen Graham earned a crumb's worth of playing time - 2:18 to be exact - and provided New Jersey's band of ballers with a brick for a +1.

Heat-Sixers: Joel Anthony may have had a trio of boards in a 17:37 stint as starting big man for the MIAMI THRICE, only to foul four times and lose the rock once for a 5:3 Voskuhl. However, one of the MASSIVE OFFSEASON ACQUISITIONS in South Beach...Juwan Howard!!!!...came through with a celebratory 4.1 trillion (4:05), the first monetary move this year.

Meanwhile, Philadelphia's Darius Songaila fouled once in 4:59 for a +1.

Knicks-Raptors: Timofey Mozgov took 7:26 of Mike D'Antoni's time and countered three boards with four fouls and a turnover for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Kings-Wolves: Welcome to the Association, Hassan Whiteside! The Purple Paupers' latest big man garnered two fouls in 1:45 for a career-opening +2 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl!!!!

Bucks-Hornets: Keyon Dooling doodled the suckiest statline of the young season so far, in 16:48 - two bricks (once from the French Quarter), three fouls, and a giveaway notched up a +6 suck differential! Meanwhile, DJ Mbenga buzzed into the picture tonight by negating one made free throw in 6:45 with three fouls for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Bulls-Thunder: Kurt Thomas took himself into the lacktion report tonight by tossing out two fouls in 2:58 for a +2 and a 2:0 Voskuhl! Fellow heifer Omer Asik went a step further and wrote himself a check for 2.5 trillion (2:31)!!!!

Bobcats-Mavs: Desagana Diop dropped a portabello along the way tonight in just 3 seconds, becoming this season's first 8-bit superhero with a SUPER MARIO!

For Dallas, Brian Cardinal baked one brick in exactly 2 minutes for a +1.

Pacers-Spurs: Garrett Temple offered up a full 1.2 trillion (1:12) in honor of San Antonio's rather predictable opening night win.

Jazz-Nuggets: Kyrylo Fesenko has started this season the way he traditionally has played - adhering to a Jake Voskuhl-like gameplan with a ratio of 3:2 after negating a field goal and three assists in 11:09 with a pair of fouls and a giveaway.

Denver's Melvin Ely also earned a Voskuhl in 10:34, in this case a 6:5 ratio after fouling out in response to two boards and a made field goal. Renaldo Balkman fouled twice in 2:08 for a +2.

Rockets-Warriors: Jeff Adrien managed to not truly be lacktive after his first career board - but by leaving the hardwood and shutting down the NES after only 48 seconds, he finds himself putting on the plumber's overalls for a Mario!

Charlie Bell rang up a foul in 4:32 to give the Warriors a +1.

Frail Blazers-Clippers: Jarron Collins made three out of four free throws in 6:22, but fouled thricely and lost the rock once for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Bulls were just lacking in offensive options. I mean Rose attempted 30+ shots and he's the fucking point guard. I was hoping Deng would step up until all the kings men put boozer back together again but he fell into his patented heavily contested long two shot attempts. Bulls could have actually won this one if some one else other than rose could score.

"NOTHING IS REALLY PERFECT BUT THIS WAS A BEAUTIFUL ENDING! IF THIS WAS MOVIE, FOR A TEAM COMING OUT OF A SITUATIN WE WERE COMING OUT OF, FOR A NEW TEAM COMING TOGETHER, ITS A BEAUTIFUL ENDING!!!1!!1!"

ftfy. All Avery Johnson quotes need to be in Caps Lock; since he talks in caps lock.

"I've been booed my whole NBA career. They boo you because they love the way you play basketball."If that's the case, Kwame Brown has played the game the way it's meant to be played all these years and we didn't know it."I've been a friend of that bulls-eye for a long time."That is not the case when he is greater than 10ft. from the bulls-eye.

About that Wade playing defense video, after the rookie made the shot, what was Wade complaining for? That he's a super star who shouldn't be embarassed like that, so the ref was supposed to call a travel or some?

First, I want to thank you for personally reminding me on TV 1000+ times that getting a layup or shooting a free throw can get a shooter back on track. Thanks!

Second, I'm not a coach, but I think, generally, it's a good idea to start your best players, and play them more minutes than your lesser players. Just a thought. When your "starters" score a TOTAL of 30 points, playing more minutes than the bench who seems to know how to play the basketball, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Wade and Lebron looked a lot more in synch last night, but Miami was once again out-rebounded, this time by a team they blew out. Chris Bosh played 39 minutes and had all of 7 rebounds. Tied with Wade for the team lead. Just sayin'.

Blake Griffin looked better than I expected. He hit a few midrange jumpers, dunked everything in sight and even provided his teammates with two very high quality assists. He still has a ton to learn though. His defense was putrid, he commited a lot of stupid fouls and even though he had 8 offensive rebounds, his poor positioning and refusal to box out really cost his team on the other end of the court.

Vinnie Del Negro sat Baron Davis' ass down when he took one of those ridiculous 1 on 5 threes. Who knew the guy had it in him?

If the stat sheet is anything to go by, Kevin Love played such few minutes because it was a close game and Sacramento's front line was eating him alive.

Can we get a Bawful or WotD (D is Day) for Hollinger? The guy posts an article how he's using the data sampling of two games to rate the Heat season. He writes "I hesitate to jump to too strong a conclusion in any direction about the Miami Heat." Then, a few paragraphs later, call their defense "spectacular." Way to be cautious, Hollinger. It truly is a spectacular defense, when you slow down the two of the slowest offenses, by tempo, in the league.

He also cites that their "lack of interior size hasn't prevented them from controlling the defensive boards" citing 60 DRebs to 18 ORebs. It's possible that there are fewer ORebs because more layups and closer shots aren't being contested, and thus are going in.

Two games, Hollinger, two games. Not a big enough sample size to make any distinctions or conclusive statements, even cautious ones.

Pretty soon they'll have a good conduct policy like the NFL where David Stern will rap the knuckles of his bad children in Goodell-esque manner.

Seriously this nonsense with the headband is insane. Who cares how they wear their headbands? That rebel, Rondo, flaunting his disrespect for the NBA and Jerry West. It's like a reimagined Dennis the Menace cartoon strip.

Also not surprisingly is that this rule comes up the year Sheed is out of the league. I think he hid the logo not wore it upside down but I'm assuming that also violates David Stern's Manual of Headband Etiquette and Proper Court Demeanor. Not that I think David Stern would care particularly, but probably just the annoyance factor of having Sheed complain every single time the camera is on him.

Mr. Bawful - Two quick notes: after the Kurt Rambis section in this entry you look like you're missing a word or paragraph as it just says "Last season," and then that's it. Also, you have the George Karl and Melo quotes after the Rockets rather than after the Jazz (Denver played Utah last night). Just FYI. Also, nothing about the Bulls/Thunder?

Since LeBron left Cleveland should we still be calling them the Crabs? I vote no, since without him it doesn't make any sense.

Sorbo - In Hollinger's defense (baaaaarrrrff ok im ready), the Heat media machine is moving so swiftly and at such extremes, you gotta kinda extrapolate if you want a piece of the pie. Guy's got a family to feed, etc.

Saying the Heat defense should be spectacular this season after 2 games isn't really a change from saying their D will be spectacular looking at them in the preseason, so really it's Nothing New.

And now to rip: 30 DReb a game actually puts them in the bottom 3rd in the league, as does their 8 OReb/game and negative rebounding differential, so if he wants to play with small sample sizes, may as well do it properly.

I think Eric Gordon deserves a WOTN mention for his Iversonesque fourth quarter. When the ClipShow was building momentum to get back in the game in the last four minutes, Gordon blew a 2-on-1 fast break with Griffin by going for the lay in instead of making the extra (wipe open) pass. Clippers inbound and miss a field goal. Might as well have been a turnover.

Few series later with the Clips still in reach of a comeback, Gordon forgoes making the extra pass for a wide open three ball in favor of massaging the rock in preparation for jacking up a closely contested three ball.

Sure he lead the team in scoring and shot almost 60%, but when it counted he helped take his team out of the game.

As for Griffin, I thought he showed a ton of hustle. He was all over the floor throwing his body and bionic knee into harm's way. Sure his defense was rookie-like, but I was still fairly impressed with his freakish athleticism and drive.

@YamsCleveland = no crabsMiami = New CrabsGot to figure a way to integrate it into their name though.BTW, Lebron got called for "crab"stepping a couple of times yesterday, that made my night.

- Doesn't Rondo look like naked with no head band out there?- Philly looks ready to take over the worst team in the league spot this season, that's unless of course the Craptors and Timberpoops get in their way.- Indiana, has been in rebuilding mode for the last 5 years and will be in rebuilding mode for the next 5 years until they lose their franchise.- Suns have a good chance of starting the season 0-4 Yikes!

Two quick notes: after the Kurt Rambis section in this entry you look like you're missing a word or paragraph as it just says "Last season," and then that's it. Also, you have the George Karl and Melo quotes after the Rockets rather than after the Jazz (Denver played Utah last night). Just FYI. Also, nothing about the Bulls/Thunder?

Ugh. Thanks. Too many games, not enough sleep, forgot to do my usual copy edit scan through. As for Bulls thunder, there's this awesome Bulls blog called By The Horns...

Since LeBron left Cleveland should we still be calling them the Crabs? I vote no, since without him it doesn't make any sense.

Yes, we are reverting them back to the Cavs or, per AnacondaHL's suggestion, the Comic Sansoliers.

@Anaconda - I get the reason for the story, because there's so much interest in LBJ/Heat, I just had issue with the approach. I find it lame for him to say he's being cautious while calling them spectacular, especially after two games. He tries to have it both ways, by putting a caveat on the story while jumping to hyperbole to say how great the defense is (again, two games, Hollinger).

RANDOM IDEA: That gives me a great new nickname. The Cavs could be the Caveats.

Bulls/Thunder - Durant getting superstar calls now. I saw two charges called as blocks (one in the 1st quarter, one in the fourth). The second call was 50/50 (although Gibson had position), but the first was pretty blatent. The Bulls player (Bogans?) had time to start a fire with how long he waited for Durant to run into him.

"[player] played 14 minutes, staying under the 15-minute cap the Pistons set for him prior to the game. After battling tired legs all preseason, the veteran could see minutes restrictions like that throughout the year. He's simply not worth owning in most formats at this stage in his career."

I was actually more impressed by how tenacious he was in going after rebounds and running the floor. Sure, those dunks were amazing, but most of his points came doing the garbage work. Why Eric Gordon is getting the ball instead of this guy is a mystery. You'd think they would be developing him as quickly as possible.