The ‘red pill’ and its opposite, ‘blue pill,‘ are pop culture terms that have become symbolic of the choice between blissful ignorance (blue) and embracing the sometimes-painful truth of reality (red). It’s time for America to take the red pill and wake up from the fog of apathy.

Lost Fatherhood: The Fallout from a Woman’s “Right to Choose”

Below is a post that I wrote in January, 2010. It details the experience of my now 24 year old son’s discovery of the abortion of his child without his knowledge. That story is heart-wrenching enough on it’s own; but first I want to tell you the rest of the story…

The experience described below pushed my son over the edge. He started drinking, then using drugs, to kill the pain in his heart. Today is August 7, 2012, and he has been fighting an addiction to opiates, Oxycontin and Roxycontin, for almost 3 years. First he swallowed them, then he snorted them, then he started injecting them. He has been through rehab, he has been clean for weeks or months, and then relapsed, then been clean, then relapsed.

His lastest relapse was more serious than the rest. A “friend” introduced him to heroin. Last Saturday, he overdosed. It scared him enough that he decided to get clean again, but he has been to the gates of hell over the last three days. So have I. I have never seen anyone so physically sick. He is so weak he can barely stand. I’ve been told that “the worst is over” but I wonder…

Today, he is clean but there really is no promise that he will be tomorrow. He wants to be, but he is in bondage. He has been on a rollercoaster. So have I. He is making progress in his recovery, but it is hard. He has lost more than his child…

He had a 4.0 GPA in high school. He led worship in our church. He is an extremely gifted musician, vocalist, and actor. But his dreams are in ashes…He lost a full scholarship, he has lost at least 3 jobs, he has lost more money than I care to think about. He has stolen from every member of our family to support his habit. He has destroyed the trust of everyone who loves him. He has been in jail twice and is on probation. He violated his probation the day before he overdosed and is now facing a year in jail. I guess he could see no point in trying…

His life has become a trainwreck…a young woman’s ‘right to choose’ without his knowledge or consent pulled the switch that started the train.

Men hurt too…

I don’t know how to say goodbye…

Originally Posted: January 26, 2010

For those who believe that abortion is just a choice that a woman makes, one that should be left to her and to her alone, please read on. Abortion breaks the hearts of men, too. It breaks the hearts of grandparents, and the hearts of uncles and aunts. It breaks the heart of God.

This is a true story about my son and the baby he named Gabriel…

Early last summer, my son was told by a young woman with whom he had had a casual sexual encounter that she was pregnant. He didn’t tell anyone for four months, but God finally broke through his denial in late October and he told me. Since the end of July, this young woman had been sending him text messages about his child. He had an ultrasound picture-at about 20 week gestation-that was sent to his phone of the baby she said was his son. I had the same picture on my phone the day after he told me about this child.

She sent these messages several times a day with comments like ‘your son likes Oreos’ or ‘your son doesn’t like tacos’. They talked about how he would play football. They talked about what he would look like. She went into great detail about her visits to the doctor, always saying her mom took her. She said her mom wanted to raise Gabriel, but that my son could be as involved as he wanted to be. She told me these same things. She and I talked several times on Facebook about her doctor visits, her heartburn, and her questions about pregnancy.

We welcomed her into our home and we welcomed the child into our family and into our hearts. My daughter-in-law gave her a basket full of baby items for him. Gabriel had Christmas gifts in my closet right beside those for my granddaughter and grandson.

Then, suddenly, in late November my son received a message saying that she was having cramps and that her mom took her to the doctor. She said that his child was ‘small for dates’. She said that the MD was putting her on bed rest to try and avoid premature labor. She said they wanted to give his lungs a chance to mature. She said she was going to stay at her mom’s.

Somehow, it had never been convenient for her for my son to go to the doctor with her, or to go to her mom’s home. But he did manage to get her mother’s phone number from a mutual friend and so, that evening, I called her mother. I told her my name, that I was his mother. She said nothing for a second, then just a rather confused “yes?” I said that her daughter had told my son that she had been to the doctor and was experiencing complications, and that I wanted to know if she was alright and if there was anything we could do. She was silent for a few seconds, and then said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about…..”

There was no baby. The young lady aborted him early in the pregnancy, but continued to let my son, and ultimately the rest of my family, believe that he was alive. It was such an elaborate web of lies that it is almost beyond belief. I told her mother enough of it to impress upon her that her daughter is in serious need of professional help, and I said I would pray for them. I don’t know what happened to her. I continue to pray for her healing.

What my son did was wrong, and he knows that. He stepped up to the plate and took responsibility for his actions. I am so very proud of him for that. I don’t think I could have done what he did. He was never in love with this young woman, but he did fall in love with Gabriel. So did I. But Gabriel’s birth was just the fantasy of a very disturbed young woman. There has been a death in our family. My son, my grown son of 23, so strong, so confident, cried his heart out for days on end. So did I.

When I am in pain, God uses writing to help heal my heart. In my grief that winter, I wrote these words:

I don’t know how to say goodbye…

God desires for us to pour out our hearts to Him, to offer up to Him the deepest pain in our hearts. He cannot heal what we do not allow Him to touch. This is a lesson that I have learned the hard way, because for many years I thought that if I denied feeling pain, if I pretended everything was ok, then the hurt would go away and nobody would know. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I started writing, trying to make some kind of sense out of this loss…

“Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails…” Psalm 31:9-10

Our “little angel that came out of nowhere” only existed in the mind of a very sick young lady. But to us, he was still very much alive.

I don’t know how to say goodbye…

How can something seem so real when it has vanished?

How can you love someone so much that will never exist in this world?

Brown curly hair… with just a touch of ‘nappy’.

Perfectly soft sweet skin… just a bit darker than mine.

Dancing green eyes… that sometimes seem brown, or grey.

Chubby little arms with ten perfect fingers… reaching up to be held.

Chubby little legs with ten perfect toes… running into my arms.

Bumps and bruises… as he learned to crawl, then walk, then run.

The voice of an angel… singing silly made up songs.

Getting into everything… as little boys do.

There were already so many dreams…

His first Christmas, lights dancing in his eyes… playing around the tree with his cousins…

His first birthday… cake and ice cream smeared all over his face…

His first day of school… tears and excitement rolled into one…

Playing football… a slightly crazy linebacker with no fear…

Singing and acting and dancing… gifts and talents sent straight from heaven…

His name was Gabriel…

He never got a chance to live, but still, I’ve lost a piece of my heart…

I don’t know how to say goodbye…

My prayer is that God will be glorified through this experience that is so beyond my understanding. I know that He holds us in His hand, I know that He will bring us through this nightmare together, just as He has brought us through so many times before. Although this deception was unquestionably evil and meant by Satan to destroy, I know that God will take it and use it for good.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

Abortion kills a child and wounds a mother. Perhaps the experience of abortion caused this young lady’s psychological problems. Perhaps she had them already. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I would have gladly taken my grandson and raised him as my own.

Discussion

22 thoughts on “Lost Fatherhood: The Fallout from a Woman’s “Right to Choose””

This absolutely broke my heart. I shed my own tears as I read this.
Selfish, selfish girl! How could she lead you and your son along like that. I have always been in favor of a father having his rights, and not just the mother. I am so very sorry for your heartache and your loss.

First off I’ll pray for your son. My God’s arm is not so short that it can’t reach down to him!

My experience was a little different but painful nonetheless. I was aware that my girlfriend was pregnant. I was overjoyed at the thought of having a child! My girlfriend was not so enthused but willing at first. As the weeks wore on she came to the conclusion that she loved the plans for her life that she had made MORE than our child and decided to have an abortion.
Being in California made it impossible for me to stop her. The law was on her side. My only recourse was prayer. God answers all prayers and sometimes the answer is no. This was one of those times. I had offered to accompany her to the Planned Parenthood office on the day of the abortion but she said no. So I went to work that day and tried to act “normal”. I don’t think I’d get an Oscar nomination for that day. Everyone knew something was wrong and tried to not bother the boss, me!

I can understand how King David felt as he wept and prayed for his child. Everyday I see children of all ages and wonder, would my son or daughter be like that.
Through the grace of God I did not turn to drugs or alcohol. I did try and put it out of my mind but that never truly works. I was always afraid to dwell on it for any length of time because I knew that I would start crying and was afraid that once I started I would never stop!
Well that’s my story in a nutshell. The wounds may heal but the scars never go away. The pain may dull but will always remain.

I’ll pray for you and your son as well as Gerry. There are many more victims than the pregnant woman and the unwanted child. There is collateral damage all over the place when this choice is made. Sorry for all your losses. Someday this despicable law will be overturned. May that day come sooner than later.

I read your blog and it broke my heart. We have a similar though somewhat happier history. My son struggled in school. And after an on and off relationship with a girl, he too became a father. He didn’t tell us until his son was two months old. I knew something was wrong and I wish he had shared his worries because they so significantly impacted his life. It has taken nearly two years, but he’s finally grown into the role of ‘Dad’ although he has no rights and the precious time we have with our only grandson are based on total control by his mother. I shudder to think we would never have him at all. I know that if he had to, my son would raise this child on his own. While pundits like to wax poetic about mother love, they ignore the deep love of fathers. This denial of men’s rights for their own children has to end. All I can say is pray. I know that fathers suffer. The actions of this young woman were cruel and heartless. I want you and your son to know that it is possible to move beyond. It was not his fault. I will keep you both in my prayers along with a baby that never even had a chance.

“He cannot heal what we do not allow Him to touch”
This just broke something inside of me. Truth. Beautiful truth. Praying for your son and for your family and for all of us who need to allow God to touch those places inside of us that are the darkest. So that He can heal them..restore us lovingly to what He meant for us to be all along.

Absolutely terrible. A new perspective that is overlooked and inconvenient for the pro-murder crowd. I brought home a new baby today and as I look at this little miracle, my heart breaks for the victims of this ‘legal’ crime.

this makes me ill. i am so sorry for what your son has had to endure… and you as well. i truly wish these girls realized how selfish they are being when they make the choice to kill a baby. even if the baby is not born, people already love that baby and will hurt when that baby is gone. i am sure you and your son would have gladly and gratefully raised that sweet little boy… she would not have had any responsibility beyond giving birth, and yet… she made the choice for herself and for all of you to not have that baby live. where was your choice, your son’s choice, your family’s choice?

i could go on and on… it hurts my heart to think of how many babies do not get to be born… knowing these babies are safe in the arms of our loving Father in Heaven is the only thing that gives some relief.

Sorry to hear about the abortion. I am completely 100% against abortion as shown in my own testimony. And sorry to hear about your son’s problems with addiction. The biggest thing I read concerning your son is that the abortion “pushed him over the edge” meaning that he was close to the edge already. There must have been other surrounding circumstances in his life where he began getting closer, and closer to the edge.

He is going to need a lot of recovery work, it is possible, but he has to be willing to do the work. May God grant him (and you) serenity.

He was a 19 year old college kid, doing the type of partying that is typical of that age. You are right that the hard work of recovery is his to do; I am well aware of the dynamics of addiction because I am a Professional Counselor working in the field. However, your comment that he “must have been close to the edge already” seems to echo the pro-choice argument that only women who are already unstable will suffer emotionally after an abortion. With all due respect, you are wrong. Thank you for your comment and prayers.

That is not at all what I said. However, no one just wakes up one day and thinks “Gee, becoming a drug addict sounds like fun. I think I’ll ruin my life.” People use to numb pain. Some people become addicts, some don’t. He did not “jump full force into an addiction-filled life”, it happened over the course of several months. Interesting that you put the word traumatic in quotations. That would seem to indicate that you question the severity of the trauma he experienced.

You seen some what cold ! Why? This Mother and son are already in pain !!Do not try to add more !! And yes something like abortion can push someone over the edge !! Do not add salt to the pain ! May the Lord our God soften your heart !

I am deeply sorry for your son and this horrible experience of lies he was subjected to. This girl was sick in her mind, Had she never contacted him following this casual sex encounter he would have known no different than perhaps he had sex with her. What a terrible thing to do

May the Lord our God bring total healing and restoration to your son !! May the Lord our God fill your son with His peace !!! May your son be delivered from all drugs and all drinking ! In Jesus Name I pray ! Your sister in Christ Kandy

"There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation. One is by sword. The other is by debt." -John Adams 1826

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