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If you follow the DB principles all the way through and you learn so much about yourself, get your life back, become a better person, keep it together for your kids, create a new and great life, yet your spouse never recovers and your M ends; was DB'ing a success, or an epic failure?

What do you think?

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"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

Hey Rick, has to be hard to see your W in such a self-destruct mode for so long. The fact that she acknowledged the challenge in herself is good. No telling how long it will stay in this mode before trying to do something about it (if ever). But at least that she acknowledged it could be a positive step for her even if it is a very small one.

Hope your week goes well.

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Me:45, W:45S:16 D:13M:22, T:25Bomb: July 2010Putting finances in order for "D"Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Wow, that is quite amazing that she has come to this conclusion. What a sad life to lead. Is your wife spiritual? Does she ever look for ways to serve others? I have not read your whole sitch so I may be way off in what I'm suggesting but maybe she is needing to find a meaningful way to connect with others?? A great way to do this is to find ways to help or serve others. It forces you to forget yourself and your problems and to focus on what you can do to make someone else feel better. This may not be something that you can tell her to do but you could possibly encourage a situation that would lead her to do this. IDK. Sometimes our best life lessons are learned when we look outside ourselves.

Thank JKS...she has always been a deeply spiritual person, very driven by the heart and soul almost to the exclusion of some of the day to day stuff people live with. That she is like this only makes this crisis of hers harder. She's one of those people who feels everything exquisitely, so in this sitch her pain is magnified to extreme levels. Hence, her desire to disappear. She's in constant pain and guilt. And then her fear causes her to close up instead of reach out. She is veyr afraid of any spiritual suggestions that have any taste of organized religion, however I can see her searching in her way through the books I see her reading. She is extremely opposed to any sort of self help scenarion. Again, her fears drive her away from anything where she, in her sitch, feels she is being told what to do. Thats just how she sees things right now. So things like 5 LL, Retrouville, MC is completely poisonous to her. She has been with a psychiatrist for a year now so she's not doing this all alone.

As for her being able to give to others. In fact, her history is of giving and that is also a reason she's done such a 180. Her being a stay at home Mom for years and then her career in the alzheimer's world has all been about giving. So her dilemma has been that she gave and gave on the surface but never knew what she was herself. She's basically trying to unwire a lifetime of mental conflict, and then seeing if she can rewire herself back up somehow.

If you follow the DB principles all the way through and you learn so much about yourself, get your life back, become a better person, keep it together for your kids, create a new and great life, yet your spouse never recovers and your M ends; was DB'ing a success, or an epic failure?

What do you think?

Cat...at this point I consider it a DB success. Early on in this I would have considered it a total failure!

Hey Rick, has to be hard to see your W in such a self-destruct mode for so long. The fact that she acknowledged the challenge in herself is good. No telling how long it will stay in this mode before trying to do something about it (if ever). But at least that she acknowledged it could be a positive step for her even if it is a very small one.

Hope your week goes well.

Thanks CES! I told her yesterday when we spoke that I can understand the words she is saying intellectually, however I can't even begin to know how she actually feels. I get what she is describing and it is territory that I am not living like her. The best i could do was to relate to her similar sitches that were traumatizing that we both experienced but for the fact that we are different people we chose to handle it all very differently. And she's too intimitated by me and other options to simply let go and try outside suggestions. At this point anyway, she's cracking under the stress of her fears keeping her bound tightly, and her knowledge that all the demons are bursting out of her.

Last night all of us, the boys and gf's went to S24 to watch GOT. I have always left the door open for her to rejoining the family and she can't handle that and you know that story. I know she was in our house after we left. The fact that it was Easter, that she didn't show to celebrate it with us, and that she was alone in the house couldn't have been easy on her despite what she says she is feeling right now. That just may be me projecting though. I've listened to her for years about this, and esp. the last year. If I had a gun to my head and was told I had to predict what is going to happen, I'm not seeing good things. If she can find someway to be content and have the relationship again with her kids then I'll be glad.