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Fun With Keywords: Hopped Up On Bunny Love Edition

Keywords! More keywords! If you’ve got a blog or website, do yourself a favor and install Google Analytics on it. You’ll learn all kinds of fascinating things about your site traffic. Last week, I had a visitor from NASA who found my site after Googling “piano tune criminal minds coda.” Over the past month, some discerning stranger in Houston dropped by here 133 times (hi, Houston!). I also had visitors from every U.S. state last month, except for Wyoming. What gives, Wyoming?

Anyway, here are some of the search terms visitors used to find this site in the past thirty days:

slutty covert affairs show
Not nearly slutty enough, in my opinion. Jai’s profile on Covert Affairs’ official website pretty much states outright that he’s supposed to be a big old slut (”He has dated everyone…”), but he kept his inner skank demurely under wraps for all of the first season. Apart from one chaste family-barbecue date with Jai, Annie spent the whole season mooning after boring old Ben (there was a throwaway line in the pilot suggesting she might’ve slept with an instructor at the Farm, but this potentially trampy aspect of her character seems to have been dropped). Arthur might or might not have tomcatted around behind Joan’s back, but we never saw any evidence of his rumored infidelities. At least Auggie did his best to wave the slut banner high by sleeping with his ex-girlfriend Natasha while also having an affair with sexy journalist Liza Hearn.why did reid's brother kidnap him? criminal mindsThis is a stumper, for two reasons:1. Reid’s brother never kidnaps him, and:2. Reid has no brother.Reid gets kidnapped by Tobias Hankel (James Van Der Beek) in “The Big Game” and “Revelations,” and he gets held hostage by Benjamin Cyrus (Luke Perry) in “Minimal Loss”… but neither unsub is any relation to Reid at all, much less a sibling.

criminal minds --why did the j.j. character get the sack?Excellent question. Let’s hear what CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler had to say about the controversial firings of A.J. Cook (J.J.) and Paget Brewster (Prentiss), via E! Online:

When asked if the cuts were in fact due to budget reasons, as some have speculated, Tassler said, "I wouldn't say that it was just budget reasons. I would say that over the past couple of years a lot of shows have taken a look at adjusting their casts, their castmembers, sometimes for budget reasons, and other times—in this case one of the factors we building a spinoff and we had [Criminal Minds:] Suspect Behavior and we looked at sort of the evolution of the franchise, what this division of the FBI, how they actually did their jobs...and that did give us an opportunity to reflect that back on the design and the structure of the team on Criminal Minds."So there were discussions about what role did A.J. play, what role did Paget play—is there an opportunity here with the spinoff to look back at the original show? How did we feel about that brand? How could we evolve the roles of the agents in the original show?”

It’s not the clearest statement, but the gist seems to be that the characters of Prentiss and J.J. were dropped from the show because there were no equivalent characters on the Criminal Minds spin-off. I’m unclear on the logic of butchering the cast of a highly-rated and well-established existing show to make it more compatible with a show that, at the time of Tassler’s comments, had yet to even debut, but hey, I’m not a network president.

banana-leaf cat tree paradise duo+resale Looks fabulous. My cat would regard it as some kind of diabolical trap and thus shun it forever. We’ve been down that road before.

agent cooper criminal minds twin peaksThere’s more than a faint whiff of Agent Cooper to Agent Hotchner, isn’t there? In fact, the very first time I watched Criminal Minds with my sister, she used the phrase “Kyle Maclachlanny” to describe Hotch. Cooper is more upbeat, whereas Hotch is more lethal, but they’re certainly the same physical type. Also? They’re both kind of mentally unhinged, though they do hide it very well.

"dharma & greg" criminal minds crossover fanfic I’m absolutely sure it exists. If you’re ever in an especially self-amusing frame of mind, watch an episode of Dharma & Greg while assuming that Greg is just a young, naive version of Criminal Minds’ Hotch, and all of a sudden, the entire show becomes saturated in this weird fog of epic tragedy: Oh, sure, Greg might seem happy and well-adjusted now, but jump ahead fifteen years, after he joins the FBI, after he gets throttled and jilted and blown up and stabbed and stalked and demoted, after Dharma gets murdered by a psychopath, after he’s repeatedly exposed to the world’s foulest evils, and it’ll be a totally different story.

criminal minds covert affairs crossover fan fiction I don’t know if it exists, but I’d love to see the kids from Quantico teaming up with the Langley gang to investigate a string of DC-area murders: Prentiss would take Annie out drinking to cheer her up about Ben, Reid and Auggie would geek out together over Neal Stephenson novels, Morgan and Jai would loiter around while looking smoking-hot, Rossi and Arthur would smoke cigars and trade pointed barbs disguised under a thick outward layer of bonhomie, and Joan and Hotch would scowl at all this nonsense, then quietly and grimly set about tracking down the murderer themselves.

"real" person who shops at banana republic I buy a lot of Banana Republic clothes from thrift stores. Does that count?

"since graduating from the screenwriting program" The standard conclusion to that sentence runs along the lines of “…my life has been nothing but poverty, heartbreak, and crushing disappointment.”

sendhil ramamurthy in cocoon The inability of the Heroes creative staff to anticipate and satisfy the needs of its viewers can be encapsulated thusly: Viewers spent the first couple of seasons desperately wanting to see Mohinder -- smoking-hot Mohinder, Mohinder of the astonishing bone structure, Mohinder of the toned, lean body -- without his clothes on. In Season Three, we were finally given a glimpse of Totally Naked Mohinder after he emerged from his cocoon… covered in mucous and what sure looked like afterbirth. It, uh, was less thrilling than anticipated.

"the wraith" "tuff turf" Two must-see 1980s B-movie classics. I love them both. The Wraith and Tuff Turf would make an excellent double feature, come to think of it.

jason patrick tuff turf Nope. James Spader, Robert Downey, Jr., Paul Mones. No Jason Patric. Not that he wouldn’t have been a fine, fitting addition to this fine, fine movie.

cahuenga and barham. westbound side of the street. what the f*ck is that billboardI love the conversational nature of this search. This is someone who has a strong personal relationship with Google. I intend to start adopting this technique immediately for all my search-engine queries: “Ink cartridge won’t print. Haven’t used it in months. How the f*ck do I unclog the heads?” Also, I’m strongly tempted to run up to Cahuenga and Barham just to check out this billboard.

criminal minds is stupid Seasons one through five? Only stupid at infrequent intervals. This season? Stupid more often than not. See: “The Thirteenth Step.”

criminal minds where hotch hangs up on a criminal calls backYou’re probably mixing up “Broken Mirror” and “Omnivore” -- in “Broken Mirror,” it’s Gideon, not Hotch, who keeps hanging up on the unsub when he repeatedly calls with his ransom demands. In “Omnivore,” Hotch hangs up on the Reaper, who then retaliates by murdering a bus full of people. This makes Hotch burst into tears, which might be the most bone-chilling sight ever shown on Criminal Minds.

mc carthy class nude scene I can’t remember whether Andrew McCarthy gets fully nude in Class or not. Doesn’t Rob Lowe trick him into wearing a bra and panties at one point? And aren’t we also treated to the sight of Lowe scampering about in a bra and panties?

Note to self: Add Class to my Netflix queue, immediately.

trowa quatrequatre destroys winner satelite There was a time in my life, several years back, when I was fluent in Gundam Wing-speak. Now, I look at all these Gundam-related searches cropping up in my site statistics with confusion. Treize Khushrenada? Quatre Rebaba Winner? Epyon? Zechs Marquise? Wing Zero? It’s all sort of an entertaining blur. I think I overwrote those brain cells with the plots of various Farscape episodes.

the episode of criminal minds where one of their agents diesNone have been killed off yet (though this may or may not change next week when Prentiss makes her exit from the show-- and I figure that can’t possibly count as a spoiler, since CBS keeps running promos announcing Prentiss’s final episode). Three agents have left the BAU since the show began: Elle quit the team after she murdered an unsub in cold blood, Gideon left after having a nervous breakdown, and J.J. was transferred to a prestigious job with the Department of Defense. All three agents are still very much alive in the Criminal Minds universe.

thomas gibson cowboy roleAfter Gibson retweeted a photo of himself in his sexy S&M cowboy drag from Love and Human Remains, I had a surge of site traffic from people looking for details. Love and Human Remains, folks. Love and Human Remains. I know I keep talking up this film, but that’s only because it’s awesome. And sleazy. It’s hard to track down, but it’s oh so worth it.

what kind of louboutins is annie wearing covert affairsAw, man. I thought I was doing so well just identifying her shoes as Louboutins. I have no idea what style they were above and beyond that.

which episode of criminal minds mostly has jj yahooThe most J.J.-centric episode of Criminal Minds is, sadly, her final episode, which was the aptly-titled “J.J.” She also features heavily in Season Two’s “North Mammon.”

white collar neal sings Neal sings a duet with June (Diahann Carroll) in the episode “Countermeasures,” in which the eternally-awesome Billy Dee Williams provides a welcome burst of genial guest villainy. Fun fact: the “Dee” is short for “December.” How awesome is that?

character of zoey on flash forward is really annoyingI found the vast majority of characters on the late, unlamented FlashForward annoying, particularly anyone with the last name of Benford. Gabrielle Union’s Zoey was one of the lesser offenders.

criminal minds copies silence of the lambs Yep. The introduction to Cadet Ashley Seaver, in which she’s running an obstacle course at Quantico, is pretty much lifted wholesale from the opening scenes of Silence of the Lambs.

criminal minds episode with a bed and breakfast trapping victims“Paradise,” in which evil unsub Wil Wheaton traps unsuspecting married couple Robyn Lively and Ethan from Lost (William Mapother) in his customized Motel of Doom.

“Paradise” is a very silly episode.

criminal minds hotch's eulogy scriptIn “The Slave of Duty,” Hotch eulogizes Haley by quoting a little Pirates of Penzance, though, sadly, not “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General." Instead, he opts for the more occasion-appropriate "O Dry the Glist'ning Tear." (“With sympathetic care/Their arms around thee creep/For oh, they cannot bear/To see their father weep”). The full text of his eulogy is here.

is andre vosloo billy zane Despite what Psych would have you believe, Arnold Vosloo and Billy Zane are two entirely different actors.

would arnold vosloo be a good singer Er… sure?

what is thomas gibson doing now? He’s on some show. He also tweets a lot.

warriors film juan gruffud This is hands down my favorite way to misspell poor Ioan Gruffudd’s oft-butchered name.

psych star appearing on criminal minds Psych stars Timothy Omundson (Lassiter) and Corbin Bernsen (Henry) have both made appearances on Criminal Minds. Bernsen’s episode (“Today I Will”) isn’t worth seeing, but Omundson’s episode (“LDSK”) is a classic, mostly for Hotch and Reid’s brilliant tag-team work in the climax.

Writer. Publisher and owner of Luft Books. An Angeleno adrift in New York City, I've got a BFA in screenwriting from USC's film school, a fiendish love of pop culture, and a Duran Duran lyric for every occasion. Reach me on Twitter or at me_richter(at)yahoo(dot)com.

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I feel the same way -- I just found that out today from his IMDB listing. Granted, "Billy Dee Williams" is a pretty cool name as it is, but with a name like "William December Williams," he could be ruling the world by now.

Of course, it's arguable that he already is ruling the world - seriously, is there a single person on Earth who wouldn't do whatever Billy Dee asked them to do? - but, yes, I'm sure we'd have acceded even quicker if William December had asked us.

Someone out there, somewhere, knows what Lando Calrissian's middle name is. Count on it. Though if the good folks at Wookieepedia don't know it...

Boy-Morgan got me the ginormous, glossy, heavy The Making of the Empire Strikes Back book for Christmas (Boy-Morgan, it can't be said often enough, is a thoroughly good egg). I'll have to leaf through it to see if they have any insight as to Lando's middle name.

Something about the name William December Williams makes me want to salute. Or drink a Cold 45. Either way. If anyone gains anything from this post it should be that Billie Dee Williams, as bad ass as he is, is secretly even MORE bad ass.

I feel dumb. I always though louboutins was a kind of trendy martini. Flavored with... uh... dunno. Loub?

With Flash Forward dead now, did anyone ever give a proper explanation as to what was going on with the show when it was still, you know, on? Whose fault was it actually? And did the people with no memory actually die? And were they able to change their future? And, and ... and ...

Boy-Morgan, I think "Cold 45" is a perfectly acceptable shorthand for "cold Colt 45." Saves a few valuable letters! "William December Williams" is surely the most kickass name this side of "Sendhil Amithab Ramamurthy" (Sendhil is, of course, married to gorgeous Polish-born actress Olga Sosnovska; strictly for the awe-inducing factor, I hope their kids use the full, awesome "Sosnovska-Ramamurthy" surname).

I always though louboutins was a kind of trendy martini. Flavored with... uh... dunno. Loub?

Oh, sure, it's that as well. I believe the traditional recipe for a Louboutin is one part pomegranate juice to one part vodka and one part Loub with a twist of lime. Traditionally garnished with a long curly strand of lime rind and three cranberries on a toothpick, plus a smattering of pomegranate seeds floating on top. The traditional beverage of shoe aficionados everywhere.

With Flash Forward dead now, did anyone ever give a proper explanation as to what was going on with the show when it was still, you know, on? Whose fault was it actually? And did the people with no memory actually die? And were they able to change their future? And, and ... and ...

Eh, more or less. By the time the show was canceled, so many plots had been altered or awkwardly reversed in midstream that nothing really made much sense any more. As near as I can remember, it was mostly the Hobbit's fault, though they kept trotting out a succession of improbable criminal masterminds who were really behind the whole thing. Futures got changed all over the place, usually in the most nonsensical ways. It wasn't all bad -- Mark Benford died (or appeared to die) in the finale, which was surely a bright spot in all the messiness.

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Writer. Publisher and owner of Luft Books. An Angeleno adrift in New York City, I've got a BFA in screenwriting from USC's film school, a fiendish love of pop culture, and a Duran Duran lyric for every occasion. Reach me on Twitter or at me_richter(at)yahoo(dot)com.

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