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All Rise...

The only thing better, says Appellate Judge Rob Lineberger, would be Breasts: An Interactive 3D Adventure.

The Charge

Twenty-two women talk about 41 breasts.

The Case

I requested this title for review for one reason and one reason only: its
title. You might have noticed that Breasts: A Documentary has the word
"breasts" in the title. This means that search engine spiders (and
even real, live web surfers) are going to be all over this review like ants on
spilled jam. It will quickly become the most popular DVD Verdict review of all
time. I can sit back and watch the clicks roll in (and surely win a prize of
some kind). See, it worked—you're here, aren't you?

Documentarian Meema Spadola might also have been banking on the alluring
power of her title. After all, who can resist watching something called
Breasts: A Documentary? It may have "breasts" in the title, but
it also has another key word: "documentary." Though admittedly I'm a
lifelong fan of breasts, I wasn't expecting this to be a hooter parade. As a
volunteer for Durham's Full Frame Documentary Film Festival, I guessed that
Breasts: A Documentary would likely not feature gauzy, loving,
slow-motion pans over globes of creamy flesh.

Indeed, Spadola's take is decidedly au natural. Twenty-two women,
ranging from limelight-hogging hams to quiet, articulate women, wax poetic about
the trials and tribulations of having sweater sacks. (If you think my barrage of
nicknames is inappropriate, you should see some of the names these women come up
with for their ta-tas.) These women are unabashedly unclothed. They vary in
size, age, attractiveness, and comfort level, which gives the film a democratic
appeal. This democracy extends to gender: Breasts: A Documentary is aimed
towards men and women alike.

At its best, Breasts: A Documentary provides penetrating insight into
the blessings and perils of having breasts. The women seem powerful and
confident when discussing how they use their tits for leverage. They seem
vulnerable when discussing social ostracism or medical issues (including cancer
and carte blanche breast exams). Like engaging documentaries should do,
Breasts presents a complex issue in a way that makes an intuitive
connection with the viewer. Spadola capitalizes on the inherent appeal of
breasts to cover a wide range of human issues. Some of the women are honest and
in tune with their own bodies, which leads to heartfelt revelations.

Breasts: A Documentary is not always at its best, though. My
experience was impaired by two distinct problems that compounded each other.

The first problem is the radical disconnect that some of the interviewees
had with my perception of their reality. For example, two of the women featured
are former men. Call me shallow, but it irks me to hear about breasts from
people who came by them after the fact. I can see using some of their comments
as color commentary, an informative aside on gender-reassignment patients and
their feelings about the impression of breasts as part of their image. But these
interviewees are heavily featured, which damages the integrity of a documentary
about breasts. Another example is a stripper who discusses the awe-inspiring
power that her artificially enlarged breasts have over her audience. When we
finally get to see these magnificent headlights, they are a raw, red mess of
veiny bulges and scar tissue. The lighting must be very good on her stage,
because those are the least appealing breasts I've ever seen. I cannot reconcile
her comments with the reality I see. The same goes for a grossly obese
comedienne who seems completely out of touch with what people think about her
breasts. Taken as a whole, these words of self delusion ring like false notes in
an otherwise cohesive tune.

Though Spadola does a good job of de-eroticizing the subject when
appropriate, the truth is that this documentary is highly visual. This leads to
the second problem: The video quality on this DVD is abysmal. A patchy network
of horizontal bands does no wonders for the bodies on display. The sound quality
is fine, but the video is simply unacceptable. My experience was watching
blotchy, bandy, 100" torsos while suffering through the annoying comments
of their owners. Those who watch this documentary on smaller screens might have
a different experience.

The filmmaker interview makes me feel better about the documentary; Meema
Spadola is approachable and lucid. The deleted scenes were painful to sit
through taken out of the engaging context of the documentary proper.

Documentaries are all the rage now, for good reason. Where breasts are
concerned, more exposure is just fine in my book. If it weren't for the video
issue and some egregiously out-of-touch interviewees, Breasts: A
Documentary would feel more complete. The film achieves moments of potent
honesty and avoids the alienation pitfalls of some feminist works. Even so, as
packaged, it has trouble filling out a training bra.