Monday, June 28, 2010

I like to see my life as this chain of events. Some people like to see life as it is in that moment, disregarding the past or the future. But I can never do that. I see myself as a product of everything that has happened to me in my life. I can even pin-point traits and attach them to certain significant pieces of my past (Yes, I'mthatself-obsessed sometimes).

So recently, one self-indulgent Sunday, I realized I had seen a lot of moments in my life where I thought "This is it. This is what I've been looking for all my life. This is going to fix everything and it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows from know. I can just feelit." Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while would know exactly what I'm talking about. Invariably, such things would blow up in my face and I'd end up feeling like a complete idiot. But I'd still think it the next time.

Then finally I reached this point where I said "Fuck this shit. There's no such things as contentment". I saw it as an illusions we were fed with to keep us going, but in fact, life is just a ladder that we keep climbing thinking the next rung will be the last, only to find a new challenge. And then we die and never really find out what the fuss was all about. Cynicism, as you might call it.

But this last month, a really important person taught me this really important thing. Life is not a ladder. Life is not about growth. It's a journey (excuse the cliche). And it's not really about getting somewhere. Sometimes it's like an obstacle course, sometimes it's like this beautiful oasis and you want to stay there forever. But you have got to move on. And what matters is not that you couldn't stay, but that you were there.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What does it take for people to appreciate life the way it is?More that that, what will it take for them to stand up and face their problems?I'm not saying that there aren't people who go through the most harrowing and scarring problem that are almost impossible to live with, I'm talking about us The Youth.I mean seriously, what do we even know about life to say shit like 'Life sucks' or 'I don't deserve to live'. If life were that simple, that easy that we could figure it out in 20 something years, why would being an adult mean ANYTHING at all?We all do it but there's a difference between saying it in an exaggerated comical sense and actually believing it. I went through that phase too and got over it only a few months back. Sometimes, when I see other young people who are actually ten trillion times better than me but they still hate themselves. I'm just like 'Why am *I* okay with who I am?'I squared with the way I was and now there's only moving forward. I don't think I'm awesome or great, I think I'm pretty average and unremarkable but I'm okay with that.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I hate it when guys with the same last name as mine, add me on facebook and go "Hiee r v relatd? Ur really hot lik me ;)"Seriously? Seriously? Are you seriously that stupid or what? Get a life already !Also, don't you just love it when you've been fretting about something for days, months or even years, and then one day you wake up and you just don't give a shit.I know I do.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Okay, So I'm walking in the park like I do almost everyday. And this uncle, I'd be better to call him Nana jee (Grandfather) passes me on the walking track and smiles at me. Making me wonder if I know him, is he some random neighbour of mine that I dont remember. Or could be my friends Nana/Uncle/Father. Anyways so on the next round when I pass him again I ignore him. Third time he stops and starts talking to me. here is how the conversation goes :

Freaky Budha (Old guy): Why you not smile?

Yours truely : Excuse me?

Freaky Budha (Old guy): why (pause) you (pause) not (pause) smile ?

Yours truely : Umm. 'Cause I don't think I know you.

Freaky Budha (Old guy) : So I have been watching you here from past few months. So u like walking. So why you not jog?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I was horribly shocked when I turned on the news this morning. It was a documentary by BBC. I have tried and summed it up for you.

BBC investigation has found Children have been subjected to rape and prostitution by United Nations peacekeepers in Haiti and Liberia. Again, United Nations "peace keepers". Girls have told of regular encounters with soldiers where sex is demanded in return for food or money. The assistant secretary-general for peacekeeping operations acknowledges that sexual abuse is widespread.

In Haiti, a street girl as young as 11 had reported sexual abuse by peacekeepers outside the gates of the presidential palace in Port-Au-Prince.

A 14-year-old described her abduction and rape inside a UN naval base in the country two years ago. Despite detailed medical and circumstantial evidence, the allegation was dismissed by the UN for lack of evidence - and the alleged attacker returned to his home country. In Liberia, meanwhile, a 15-year-old said she had been attacked by a UN officer on 15 November.

Peace workers, who are sent to places, to help the population and make their lives easier, in turn betray them. The lives of those young children are scarred for ever, just because they trusted a humanitarian worker.

I think it’s absolutely disgusting, pathetic and spiteful to even have such workers working in an organization like the UN.

I went for lunch to family friends place yesterday. Lying on the lunch table I saw a bowl of a red chutney. Upon inquiry I found out that I was to be very careful with it, and that it was quite spicy.

The arrogant part of me took up the challenge, as im quite proud of my spice eating abilities. I took a big dollop of it on my plate and dipped my roti (bread) into it generously.

In under a minute, my eyes were watering and my nose had turned red. Alarm bells were ringing in my head, as my brain threatened to stop functioning unless I drank some icey cold water. I took a sip from my glass, enviously glancing at the coke bottle a few feet away from me.

Am I where I was meant to be? No, let’s rephrase that question: Am I where others thought I would be? How does it matter what others think, but when they tell you that they never thought you would be doing this now and here, you begin to wonder – where did they think I would be?

Last night, over a long conversation with a cousin, it came up, this line about ‘I never thought you would be doing this, living like that.’ And I started thinking of how I’ve actually lived my life in defiance of most expectations of me, unintentionally though. I haven’t lived up to the idea of ‘me’ that various people formed in their heads. How funny, no?

How strange that all of those people have different pictures of me. How did I morph into so many things at the same time and none of them at all?

When I was young, very foolish and very young, I wanted to be nothing but rich. Actually, I always wanted to be well-educated and rich. Polished and rich. Knowledgeable and rich. Smart and rich. And I never then thought I would work to be rich! Somewhere down the line the idea of financial independence took hold in my head and I wanted to do something. I had no idea what I could do to be rich, but I knew that the one thing I could do reasonably well was write. Things fell into place and I started writing. I was still not rich. I gave up writing after some time to be rich. Now I'm neither rich nor a full time writer! Of course, I'm still trying my luck at both! I always wanted to be my own boss and at least, that I am.

How come I ended up doing everything I was not meant to? And yet, it never occurs to me till someone points it out to me...

Of course, we rarely live our lives that way we thought we would as kids. What did you want to be when you were a child? What did others think you would be? Are you there?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The hardest part was to console my mother. I write and talk about everything. Have a chest full of words for almost every occasion. But, I failed. Failed miserably in finding a single word that could made my mother feel better, even for a second.

So I did what I could. Held her and helped her cry.

There is much I will need to write so that I can remember. Because I never want to forget.