Message Boards

Messages By: freakycat125

Learning to deal with fear is a universal problem

When I am afraid, I find that memorizing quotes like the ones below and saying them like a mantra helps me through a fearful situation. Bible quotes are especially helpful because they stir faith in me, and help me realize that I am not alone. Bible verses can be claimed, and made your own. You have a right to pray to God, and let him know that you are believing in him to fulfil any promise made in the bible, I find Psalm 91 very powerful, and reassuring, and read it whenever I feel uncertain.

Frank Herbert's quote on the subject is also sound though, and full of wisdom. Using this method of dealing with fear helps me a lot.

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind killer

Fear is the little death that brings about total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Frank Herbert, Dune Page 19

I find this little verse to be very helpful, because it is so short, and easy to remember no matter how afraid I am.

For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

2nd Timothy, 1:7

From this we see that fear isn't a god given reaction, it is a temptation, and there is a choice to accept this gift of power, love and sound mind instead of fear.

Overall fear is the opposite of faith and trust. Fear is best fought with faith, and LOVE. "Perfect Love casts out all fear." Fear is the key negative emotion, which leads to every other negative emotion. Banishing fear is the biggest step towards a happy life, and it is an everyday struggle for everyone. Not everyone is afraid of the same things, but everyone struggles with some fears, either rational or irrational. This fear is the root cause of most of mankind's problems, Our worst behaviors are brought on by fear, and our best reaction is always to base our behavior and our feelings in love and faith. If you believe good things will happen to you, then usually that is exactly what happens, but if you are afraid something bad will happen, you defeat yourself before you even start.

We all wrestle with fear at times, and most of us have hidden fears as well as conscious ones. We lie to ourselves sometimes and don't admit our real fears, and then this symbolic representation phobia stuff comes out instead. In symbolism for example someone who is afraid of cats has problems with femininity, and spirituality, Spiders represent knowledge of something we don't want to know. They are symbols of the things we glance at in our minds and look away before seeing clearly. We all have those thoughts that we dismiss quickly because we cannot bare to examine them. Yet examine them we must. Inversely it may be the feeling of motion that stirs driving and flying fears... it could simply be a fear of movement... or progressing forward. I think this woman should ask what she fears. If I had ot guess, I'd say she fears getting old, or her daugthers growing up and abandoning her. She also fears some specific task, responsibility or occurance, which she subconsciousy forsees and wants to duck out of, but she doesn't see it consciously. It isn't that her conscious mind is deliberately faking these phobias, it is that she can't deal with what she is honestly afraid of, and instead projects her fears onto less logical things, which anyone can dismiss as rediculous. In short I think she fears the passage of time, and the uncertainty of the future... possibly having to rely on her self once her support system is gone. Now that is a RATIONAL reasonable thing to be afraid of, but once she faces the real issue, it will no longer be that booggie man in the closet. IT will be something she can pull out and learn to deal with.

Don't blame the web

Bullies have always existed, and kids have always been hurt by them. The web offers a chance to escape from all that, and learn about whatever interests you. On line you aren't restricted to your physical community. You can read about what interests you. You can go on forums and make new friends who are interested in the same things you are. It is wonderful to make friends outside the community, and provided you live by one simple rule it is completely safe. The rule is use an on line handle to keep yourself annon on the web, so that your on line life, and your personal life are completely seperate. My Space and face book aren't sensible to get involved in, but if you do, NEVER use your real name, or facts that could connect your page directly back to you. Keeping your on line and off line lives seperate, protects you both from bullies you know and bullies you don't know.

Never give out your home address to friends on line... unless perhaps to someone you have known for years and truely know this person to be whom they say they are... and provided you are over 18 and... have great intuition about people.... and well really it is best not to, but if you must, then save it for your very best on line friends. Be equally careful about who you tell your on line handles too. If you really want to share a forum you enjoy with a friend, make sure that person is a loyal friend, or that it would not bother you if all your class mates read every word of your favorite forum, and every other forum you use that handle on. Also for that reason it doesn't hurt to have several handles for different forums.

I think the internet gets unfair treatment on the news, and even on Dr. Phil. The internet is a wonderful resource, where you can learn about virtually anything. If used properly the internet is the biggest library in the world, litterally a modern reincarnation of the Library of Alexandera. In general if I had to advise I'd say as long as you maintain your annon status, and keep your on line and your off line seperate, then the web is completely safe, and you can enjoy chatting about whatever interests tou. Your real life is the potential danger. People on the web can't hurt you and generally live in other states and sometimes in other countries. it is interesting to talk to people from all over the world, It is also good to get away from those bullies and talk to people who respect your on line persona.

In general there are sites you should avoid. Those inclued Pornography, which spreads computer virus. The dating sites should be avoided in my opinion, because those people are desperate and desperate people are potentially dangerous. It is better to get involved in web communities and forums. Avoid anything that might compromise your annon status, and for god's sake don't post your pic on the open web..

Bullies are all the same, and they all end up with bad Karma

Hi...I'm very interested in all the new information regarding bullying. When I was a teen there was no internet, but there were plenty of bullies around. They made life just as miserable for the "weaker" kids, just in a different way. To be honest, I can't stand to relive the experiences enough to recount them to you here. They were too painful........still are! My point is this: I am now 48 years old, and my self image and life choices are STILL affected DAILY by the bullying I endured as a youngster. These experineces leave life-long scars. When Dr. Phil says adults "write on the slate" of who their child is, I understand exactly what he means. Unfortunately, bullies do the same. If there were a way to recover from these experieces, I'd love to learn about it. My prayer is that fewer young people will have their self-images destroyed now that this topic is out in the open more.

I agree that bullying is no worse, simply because it is on the internet. In a way it is better, than having them making phone calls or egging your house, or beating you up... or even mouthing off in front of other people at school.

It's and interesting co-incidence that I am 48, and was also picked on in school. I never fit in really... and I caught quite a bit of flack in school, I almost never think of it now. The weird thing too is that whenever I see one of my former bullies now, they try to be ultra nice to me. They never mention the bullying, and they act like we were best friends in school or something. I think this is kind of weird, but whatever gets them through the day. I suspect it bothers them a lot more than it does me, cause a lot of stuff has happened in the last thirty year that makes my highschool days look rather bland and unimportant. I admit I haven't exactly forgiven them all, but it isn't something that I think about now. I honestly think it stopped bothering me at least 20 years ago... completely. Some of it had to do with finding out that one of my ex bullies, life was really miserable last time our paths crossed. Karma works, and even though she hurt me, I still wish that woman's life was better. I mean she deserves it, but still... I wish her load was a bit lighter. Believe me what goes around comes around, and usually long after they give up bullying and become wives and mothers, and try to be respectable, that is when Karma comes to roost. Not only is revenge a dish that is best served cold. You don't even have to serve it. It just happens. Life always kicks bullies in the teeth when they least expect it.

I believe we experience many things in life, and scars can heal. What happens to us in life is sometimes beyond our control, but how we think and feel about it, is our choice.. It has been thirty years, so why hold on to this any more? Why let it rule your life? It sounds like this impacted your self image, while with me it really didn't. They were the ones who were flawed, not us. See it now, even if you couldn't see it then. YOU weren't weaker, THEY were weaker. They were the ones who were messed up, psychologically flawed, and such. They were just mixed up flawed kids. They probably grew up to be mixed up flawed adults. You cannot change the past, and you can't change other people, but you can change yourself, and how you feel about yourself. I agree, they wrote on your slate. A lot of people have wrote on all our slates, People say things to us every day, and we choose how to interpret them. WE can take it personally, or we can realize that the way people act is more about them than us. As children we don't know that, but as adults, when we look back, we should realize that the child that picked on us WAS just a child, who was acting out because THEY were desturbed, trumatized, or otherwise flawed or damaged, It had nothing to do with us, other than the fact we were there.

Dwelling on the past isn't productive, and dwelling on a negative past, just draws negativity to you. It is better to forgive and forget, and just move on. You are an adult now, and YOU choose what your life is about. I know it is hard to get over that stuff. I remember for many years after high school, I would feel anger and hatred as I thumbed through the year book, or when certain people's names were mentioned, but eventually you just have to put those things away and move on. You have to realize that those people have nothing to do with your life now. Those things are in the past, and it is only you who are clinging to them and giving them a life of their own in the present.

I have questions

I find so many aspects of this subject absolutely confusing and illogical. I really have to admit I do not understand... despite the fact I have read about, and even know homosexual and transgender people. I hope no one will be offended if I ask a few questions.

1. What do clothes have to do with Gender? I mean clothing is cultural, and it varies in different countries and through out history. The early Roman men wore short skirt like garments... and sometimes the Greeks wore nothing at all... I am certain Jesus didn't own a pair of pants, because they weren't invented yet in his day. Bras, Pants, and underwear are basically modern inventions. Therefore it could not be a biological, instinctive or inborn need for someone male or female to wear women's underwear. Fruther natural born women do not wear dresses very often at all, Most women don't wear nearly as much make-up, or worry about their hair and clothing as much as trans gender people. Honestly most women don't dress that differently from men. So why is clothing so much of an issue with these confused gender people?

2. What difference does it make really what gender you are? I mean sexual preference sure, people like what they like I guess. I am a woman who is attracted to men, It would not occur to me to even think of being with a woman, so I suppose that if a man felt the same way for some reason, then it would be hard to change.... but gender for the sake of gender only... like wanting to be the opposite sex just because you feel like a man or a woman? What is the point of that? For example why would a man change his gender to female, and then be a lesbian? Why would he bother to change his gender... and apart from sexual preference, what difference does it make if you are male or female? WEll other than the difference in economic opportunities. It seems to me a man getting a sex change cuts his paycheck in half, and volunteers to recieve condesending attitudes, and descrimination... even if he successfully convinced people he was a real woman. Why would anyone want to be a woman if they were not born one?

3. Why do interests, toys and hobbies have to be gender specific? Plenty of little girls like to climb trees, and play with toy trucks. I remember in kindergarten they made the little girls play with dolls and the boys play with trucks. I used to take trucks away from little boys every time the teacher left the room, cause dolls got boring after a while. I don't think that made me a guy... I think assuming gender is based in toy preference makes any sense at all. Fruther I still think trading recipies, and a lot of other feme activities are boring. I don't think that makes me a guy either, just a woman who would rather be in a room full of men listening to them talk, than in a room full of women listening to them talk. On the other hand, some men like being around mostly women, and listening to them talk about clothes, and hair. Some men like to cook. That doesn't make them gay, or women... it might just mean they like women a lot? Could I be right on this? How are toys and hobbies gender related anyway? People enjoy what they enjoy. Why can't people do whatever they want to do regardless of gender?

4. What is wrong with just letting people wear what they want, and play with whatever toys they want, and just not attaching a gender to it? Trying to pass for the opposite sex is another matter, but if men just think our clothing is more intersting, why not make silk shirts in pastel colors for men, Women already enjoy the right to wear jeans, and slacks. Why not just have clothes, instead of women's clothes and men's clothes?

5. I've heard gender confused men say they felt like women... but how do they know what it feels like to be a woman in the first place. I actually asked a few, who described that feeling to me, and I can honestly say, I never felt that way in my life. I asked around to my female friends, and they don't feel that way either. It seems to me that women take their gender for granted, They don't go around singing, "I feel pretty." If someone was to ask me how it feels to be a woman, I'd probably describe the pain of minstral cramps, cause I figure that is the only thing I or any other woman feels that is any different from what a man feels.

6. If a person had a transgender operation, what are the odds of a straight, normal, hetherosexual person wanting to date them or marry them? How could they tell people they date that they are transexual without getting gay bashed? Is it really fair for them to try to pass as women, and pick up men, when in fact most men will only be repulsed when they find out, and it might even cause them to doubt their own masculinity?

7. Don't you think that all this talk about gay and transgender on TV causes more and more people to become gender confused? I have heard people say that young people need to consider their sexual preference... in my day we didnt' consider anything of the sort. It was just assumed, but a small precentage of people were still gay. I think if someone is gay they would know it without thought or discussion.

8. Being molested or raped brings on a lot of confusing, self loathing, and general distress. Is there any link between having gay sex, whether willingly or unwillingly before the age of concent, and being gender confused? Couldn't being forced or coerced into gay sex make a man think he is gay or transgender?

Again I am not trying to be offensive, these are just things I wonder about, and am afraid to ask people I know...could anyone explain any of this to me?

10/28 Cyber Bullying

As a society we have lost our way. We seem to always deal with problems after the fact, rather than try to prevent them. Cell phones, and the internet have opened up a Pandora's Box of evil beyond anything I could have imagined in my 64 years. We are becoming parodies of ourselves. Sorry, folks, but the sky is falling. We have lost control and have, in the guise of free speech, become thoughtless and mean because we have little personal contact these days. We no longer have parents who not only say NO, but demand it. We no longer have any decorum and good manners in our approach to each other. Our "empire" is being reduced to the ashes that once destroyed the Greek and Roman empires, as well as countless others. I am not some holy roller. I am a divorced mother who pretty much raised two daughters alone. They both are college educated and professional women. We are pandering to the lowest common denominater. Seems reminiscent of "Lord of the Flies".

Congrats on raising good kids. I am still in the process myself, but I think you will agree that instilling realistic self esteme is crucial, and always useful in being resiliant to bullies, whether in person, on the phone, or on the chat.

I agree that parents are part of the problem, not only by not saying no, but mostly by being absent. It isn't their fault really. They have to earn a living, but they aren't home, and 9 times out of 10 when they do say no they are so misinformed and unaware of what is going on, that NO isn't even the right answer. Parents are out of touch with their kids, and the kids are raising themselves and each other, because parents have gone AWOL. The kids are growing up in a high pressure vacuum, with zero tolerance, and zero rights. It isn't that parents are stupid, or have poor judgment, but they are misled, and manipulated by society, so that they have no resistance to peer pressure, because they themselves are in the grip of it. They can't give their kids what they have been robbed of, which is dignity, and self control. They are not masters of their own fate, so how can they teach their kids to take the bull by the horns. How can they tell them how to handle bullies, when they are being bullied themselves. The school tries to force kids to be passive, and that they have no rights. In generations past when a child was bullied, The parents would go to the school and talk to the principal, and things would be straightened out. Now the parents don't know, and don't trust their kids, and they won't stick up for the kids. The parents are afraid of the principal, and the principal is afraid of the bullies too, and no one is taking care of the problem. No one is instilling the self esteme in these kids to help them fend off the bullies, and the system attacks people for taking care of themselves in a hostile environment, which no one wants to admit is hostile... but public schools are a hostile environment. So is the work place, and so is society in general.

The internet is only a tool.It could bring us down, sure, but it also has the potential to save our society. It can be used in the ways we see fit. Thank God, and Bill Gates for the computer and internet. It is a wonderful thing. A real gift of knowledge, and communication. IFpeople want to waste the wonderful gift, by looking at pornography, and gossiping about others, then that is their choice, but we DO NOT have to participate, If we don't want to read something escape is at the touch of a button.

The huge plus about the internet, is that it can't hurt us, unless we let it. Unlike the phone which jangles our nerves as well as our ears with unwanted calls, we DO NOT have to chat with people on line, unless we want to. The ease of blocking people from all the messengers and chats is one of the huge bright sides. WE don't have to open e-mail, and in fact we can delete it unread, or read it and pretend we didn't. No response is necessary. On forums, people can be banned, and dismissed easily. We do not have to tolerate bullies on line. They can say what they want, but we don't have to listen, unlike when they are in our faces at school or work or on the street. It is very EASY to ignor on line bullies, and still use the internet for more positive purposes.

There are down sides, including cyber stalkers and people whom we meet in life and on line, whom we get tired of talking to long before they tire of talking to us. In the cyber realm, we press a button and we can't read or hear what they say. I wish we could do this in person actually.

I have a site of my own now, a little forum where kids can come and talk to an on line mom. I started it after I joined a forum where there were a lot of teens. Before I'd been on a forum with old men in their sixties. It is strange how forums tend to reach a certain age even though they are based in interests. I figured I might be kind of unpopular on this site with all the kids, but I wanted information about what they were discussing. In no time though I was getting messages from kids, "I am home alone, and have a nose bleed! What can I do to make it stop?" or "I am home alone and there is a storm. I am scared, would you talk to me till it stops?" Then it picked up a bit. "My dad tried to molest me, what can i do?" or "I am having recuring nightmares, what does it mean?" I also help with improving writing skills, and how to reserach term papers. In general the topic of our site is our developing spiritualty and dealing with visionary abilities, which many children, and some adults have. The are kids on my site are gifted, most of them academically, but all of them have a lot of intuitive abilities, which cause them to be a little different than their peers. I give them a place of acceptance, where they can express their visions, and their opinions on most anything and still be accepted. We are a little family and my on line kids are there mostly to interact with me and each other in a safe environment. WE don't allow bullying, and my only real rule is that we all have to respond to each other with love, concern and respect. WE build self esteme, and try to care for each other through difficulties.

These kids work together to solve their life problems, deal with their inner anxieties, and discuss ways to prepare for an uncertain future, which most all of them get glempses of every now and then. WE compare notes and agree that the future is up for grabs. The future isn't set. There are many different forces both human divine and demonic that seek control of it. It is a war that still rages and we don't know the outcome, but we do know that there is hope. It is up to us as human beings, all of us, not just the visionaries to take responsiblity for our own personal futures and to whenever possible lead others in the right direction. The right direction it towards compassion, and fairness. We have hope that tradgedy can be averted, and we are using our abilities to try to understand and correct problems though prayer, spiritual work, and divine guidance.

There are some frighening possibilities for the future. Bio engineered plagues, coliding planets, global warming, government colapse, esculating war, and political oppression, are among the top concerns. However these things aren't set in stone, and we know that through it all we are more than conqurors. WE can handle the future no matter what it is, as long as we keep the faith and believe in ourselves, our god given abilities.

When you are considering such important and weighty matters, the opinons of these bullies sort of fades and become irrelivant. Who cares what some idiot says about you? Even if they are believed what difference does it really make. WE know who we are, and what we are made of. These things are of no consequence, and will soon fade into obscurity. If you ignore it or handle it appropriately then it will stop. It is our fear of bullies, and our reaction that makes them powerful, and if we refuse to react in the ways they expect, then what they are doing just looks stupid.

10/28 Cyber Bullying

For the young man who had a My Space account created on his behalf without his knowledge. I suggest he and his mom read this:

http://www1.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=misc.terms

... and then use the link to contact the staff to have the page removed. While My Space is not liable for damages, they will take down the page. I think that you might have to stay after them with e-mail, because they are a big company, but generally the provider, in this case my space will co-operate in taking this down.

11/20 Spouses at War

I could relate to this couple a lot, even though I think my own situation was a lot different. Still though the main thing I saw was that once the woman is broken, it takes the man years to realize it. Then he steps up and tries to fix it. HE suddenly feels remorse for breaking his toy... but only when it is all but destroyed.

From my POV I had few problems when I got married. I was competent, and capable. My husband was also. He seemed like a nice guy, We'd been friends for years, with no conflicts, but after the wedding his rage issues became apparent, and a power struggle insued. My fault in the situation was a tendency to space out and think about other things when going through routine activities. We'd go shopping and I'd feel bored, because we were looking at things that didn't interest me. He was in a hurry and very engaged in what he wanted from the store. We'd go at break neck speed to the electronics department, and then I'd space out while he looked through the CD's for over an hour. I wasn't interested in that, and so I'd just hover near by absentmindedly looking at sterios or alarm clocks till he was done. I saw nothing wrong with that, but it drove him crazy, cause afterward I would continue to be in my own little world till we got out of the store. It ticked me off that he was spending needed income on JUNK but I rarely said anything I just thought about something else till his spending spree was over. It also annoyed me because he was in such a hurry getting in and out of the store that he was rude to other customers. He'd practically run to the department he wanted to look in. He'd let doors go instead of holding them for the next person. He'd push his way through customers, like he was going to a fire. I was more of a leasurely shopper. I was annoyed, but just took a passive role. He'd get furious with me, when I was the one tolerating his behavior. He'd sense I was mad I guess, or bored, or whatever, and he'd call me stupid and slow for not having my brain actively engaged in his activities. If I hung back to look at something, he'd ask within seconds. Do you want that? Most of the time I didn't know if I wanted it or not. It was something that just caught my eye. IT sounds normal, but we fought every friday about shoping. It would erode into a screaming match, and he would repeatedly insult me calling me stupid, retarded, Eienstine in a sarchastic voice, and etc. Simply because I was zoning from boredom and disgust. In the early years I took up for myself, and ranted right back calling him a selfish self centered... and then the profanitity, and occasinally I would attack him physically which was rediculous because he was twice my size. He's called me stupid, lazy, spacy, and a hypochondriac, when as far as I can tell, I don't complain nearly as much as he does. The difference is my complaints are an excuse, because if I feel well he expects me to pick up after him and wait on him hand and foot.

Later after the children I just endured it, and pretty much became what I was accused of. Now I have real blackouts. I CAN'T control my zoning, and I feel awful all the time. I don't have the strength to fight back. I don't have the strength to clean my home, which he feels free to pile up with his stuff.

A few years ago, after he threatened to leave, and I just responded that he knew where the door was, He got a grip on his rage. He really started working on it. I feel like there was a role reversal. He's a great husband. He still buys too much junk and fills up my house with mess, but at least he is nice about it, and he makes more money so I get a LITTLE to run the house with. He's stopped bullying me, and cussing me out. He is still a little intimidating but nothing like in the past. He has never hit me, but he's git in my face and screamed at me till I've hit him a couple of times. All that has stopped now, but I have major problems.

I am learning to be able to ask for things I need, but it isnt' easy, and the moment I feel his anger at me for saying I'm needing more money or telling him the car is giving trouble, it is all I can do to press on, and get what I absolutely need. I have trouble with my energy levels, and in some ways I feel that I am paralized with irrational fear of failure, because I know if I make a mistake he will lord it over me. I don't have any confidence in my own abilities any more, I feel exhausted, and as I said I have had blackouts for the past 12 years. I don't do anything wierd during that time, I just don't remember it. I can't remember things he's told me and that irritates him a lot.

Now if someone was to come in, that didn't know our history, I'd look really bad. I don't do a lot. I can't. I try but I can't make myself do stuff like I used to. It takes a major effort to dress and go to the store. I have trouble making myself do household chores, and quite honestly it would take four strong men a week to clean my house as it is now, and even then they wouldn't be able to make it look nice because of all the excess stuff he buys. It is nice stuff but we can't walk for it. I stay behind on my chores and I am not strong enough to do them anymore. I get exhausted after a half of hour of moderate actiivity especially here in the house. I get so tired I can barely function. I have had spells of this for about 12 years, it gets better and worse but I am not high energy. I never was extremely energetic, but this is rediculous.

I admit I have shut down a lot, and even though he is being a lot nicer, I still have these problems. It isn't that I dwell on the past, or think about it consciously, and I love my husband now... I admit that when he was screaming at me, I really didn't. I had gotten to the point I didn't care, but now I love him, and I see him trying. I am proud of him, but I am too warped to really enjoy it. He still isn't perfect. He still buys junk at an insane rate. He still expects me to guard his emotions, and not spring stuff on him suddenly. He wants me to handle as much as possible before he even gets involved. He isn't what I'[d call supportive, but he is at least civil, and I sense that he loves me... but I can't get a grip now.

11/20 Spouses at War

I'll try to make this short and sweet. I relate well with what you are going through...as our circimstances are somewhat similar. You have several issues going on.... do you realize that you are adult A.D.D. ??? (Attention Deficit Disorder) Your zoning out is a sure sign of that. Not sure about your blacking out (you should get a brain scan for the black outs as it could be some added seriousness), but you more than likely have ADD. You bore easily, your brain zones into nothingness, you lack ambition to do activites unless you are put in high stress situations (like family coming over, holidays, etc.) Often times adults with ADD do not realize they have it, because they are not hyperactive. ADD is different than ADHD. As you grow into your 40's depression can show up in your life, because life gets harder and harder to manage. Your husband being a shopaholic does not help your ADD problem. Trust me. He's shopping to feed his own need for something....love, understanding, attention, or excitement in his life. More things in your home, add up to you feeling overwhelmed to be able to handle or clean it. Solution...get rid of the stuff. Simplify your life, and both you and your husband will find more happiness. I'd suggest for you to go see your doctor about getting medication for your depression/ ADD. Sarafem (Prozac) can calm your zoning, improve your depression so you can do more things, and stop your mind from racing so much. I'm no doctor, so find out from your doctor what you should take. I'm only telling you what has worked for me. Not being able to accomplish activities to the end is a common problem with ADD sufferers. Clean out your house, one room at a time (baby steps), have your husband help & your kids (you can't clean it alone), and have your husband confront why he's shopping too much. Do more fun activities together...go to the park, go bowling, go biking, take walks, go to movies, anything but SHOPPPPP!!!! Men like to control things, but he's probably frustrated because he can't 'control' your zoning out or your "ditzy" unfocused behavior you have. Which may upset him more. Talk about this with him, sit down and make a plan for how to make both your lives more manageable. My hope is that you actually see this and read it. I stumbled upon your letter by chance, and it seems fateful that I write to you. ADD can be draining. So go get help for it, and life will improve for you. ADD can NOT be cured without medication/coping skills. Take care, and best of luck to you and your husband. Communicate to him...it's key. Anne from MI

Thanks for your thoughtful message. I have considered that ADD might be my problem, but when I went to the doctor... the last time was about ten years ago, trying to solve the problem, that isn't what he found. I really don't know about the ADD, I consider it a posibility in addition to my other problems, but what they found was much more complex.

My diagnosis was a sleep disorder. I also have a thyroid problem. When they did the sleep study they found nothing wrong with my nights sleep, The problem was that in the morning they discovered that my brain waves showed that I was asleep while they were talking to me. I was going through sleep stages every few minutes taking 30 second to one minute mini naps. They experimented with me. I can read when I am asleep. I can apparently drive while I am asleep. I haven't had an accident in 13 years. I can carry on a rational conversation while asleep, and everything anyone else can do. I have these sleeps frequently all day long, but I don't think it empairs what I do.

No one but my immediate family has ever picked up on it, and they just call it getting spacy. The doctors have no idea why I am this way. They call it idiopathic which means unknown cause. I become excessively sleepy but I never apparently doze off in a way anyone notices, unless I am extremely sick. I watch other people doze off during TV time, but I almost never do that. I have trouble getting to sleep most of the time, when I go to bed, and it is very rare for me to obviously sleep anywhere else, but during the day apparently my brainwaves go into sleep pattern.

This problem gets better and worse depending on what else is going on, and how much stress I have, and how much rest I get. I never found it to be much of a problem before I had kids, though there were a few times when I would get exhausted and run down for no apparent reason. I was a graphic artist with a career when we got married. After the second child though that became impossible. I had a major colapse after giving birth. My whole disposition changed, I can't even remember most of her first two years. I functioned during that time though, more or less. No one really noticed except my oldest daughter. That was 12 years ago, and since then it seems like I have been trying to dig myself out of a hole. I have good seasons and bad seasons. I'll get better and take an active role in things for a while, only to find myself exhausted and unable to go on for months at a time.

Sometimes my states actually heighten my awareness of other people. I often pick up on things that other people have gone through, and could be refered to as a psychic. I am very intuitive when it comes to other people and their energies, and interactions. I tend to be spiritual, and visionary. During the times that I am in heightened awarness of other people's vibes I do very well. I am usually happy, but when I don't feel connected and can't connect, I feel very exhausted and despondent.

I pay little attention to most inanimate objects though. I am not interested in material things much. I lived a very spartan life before I got married, and i liked it that way. My husband gets gratification from buying gifts for himself. Getting rid of the stuff isn't something that is an option. I think if I was smarter I'd figure out a way to store this stuff, or even display it, but I really don't feel like doing that.

My husband takes a lot of pride in his alertness, and I would describe him as hypervigilant. He tends to be nervous, and constantly aware of the here and now. He tends to be high strung, while I tend to be very laid back. It has caused a lot of friction between us, but I think we have come to the conclusion that neither of us can help how we are. We love each other, and I am not picky enough to care about the house. He cares, but not enough to get rid of anything. As long as he isn't yelling at me I am OK with the situation.

11/20 Spouses at War

I just wanted to comment on your "black outs" . When I began reading your post the first thought that came into my head was "this sounds like my brother in law". He was having black outs and a few other odd symptoms, sometimes at work while he was on heavy equipment. He ended up seeing a neurologist and had a lot of tests done, even a sleep test. The tests proved that he has a sleep disorder and sleep apnea. He now has to sleep with oxygen, and is no longer able to work. I figure that you already know all about this, more than I do, but I just wanted to bring up the similarities and the fact that this may not be as unusual as I thought.

I'll give an example of something that happened during a blackout: While on the job he was driving a 10 pallet forklift (which is huge and dangerous) and moving a load of lettuce from the chilling tube to the cold room for storage. A little while later he was asked where that load had gone to and he told them it was where it was supposed to be, (he really believed that and named the area) they looked again and it wasn't there. After awhile they found this load in an entirely different cold room and he had absolutely no idea or memory of ever going in there. He went to the ER immediately because we were all concerned that he had a stroke. Luckily he didn't but he was diagnosed with a sleep disorder. This happened to him so many times that he had to quit working for good. He also can no longer drive.

That sounds a lot like my problem. I loose things and can't remember putting them away, but when I look they are usually in a logical place. I do not have apnea and if I had the doctors might not have looked fruther. My doctors were just slow to take off my equipment when they noticed my brain waves showed I was asleep, and I was physically awake. They kept me the rest of the day and observed and played games with me. I didn't know what they had found of course till the next Dr. Visit. Anyway if your brother in law is like me they wouldn't have noticed it cause they would think the apnea explained everything. I know a lot of people with apnea though, and I don't think it explains any of your brother in law's problems.

In any case the meds for this condition didn't work well for me. Once my initial attack was over I discontinued them. I tried treating myself herbally and that worked better than the prescribed meds, but the problem with a condition like this is that there are times I just don't have the energy to care, and so I forget, and can't find, don't buy my medication... especially the herbal stuff. I don't need it all the time, and though a simple energy product helps I don't always take it.

The doctor put me on Concerta (like Ritlin) I didn't like what it did to my psyche. Due to other problems I had, I considered it wasn't a good idea. I get relief with Gensing, Suma, or Rocket Fuel. Any intense energy product works to a degree. Last time I tried Cran Energy juice with some success. This time I have been sick other than being exhausted, and hated to take an energy product considering I really shouldn't be too active anyway. IT drives me crazy to have to rest when I am on some of these products.

My other problem, or really not a problem, more of a situation is that I am multiple. I consider him a gift not a problem. I haven't always understood about my other self, but I've always had him. I am multiple, but we operated so closely that it has never been a problem till I got sick after my daughter was born. Before and after the birth, I had a lot of stress, my husband was being a pain in the butt, and we had a lot of financial problems. I had a difficult delivery, and nearly bled to death. I really think I might have died on the table, and I was OBE for a long time... but I didn't tell anyone. I've always been trippy and seen things, and I have always hid it. When I have experiences I can't explain I really don't try to tell people about them. I've been covering for visionary experiences all my life. I do know that I was aware of being in heaven for many years after this happened. I was also intermitantly aware of being here, and since then it has been a gradual transition into my own body.

Now I do not consider multiplicity a disorder, and I never had blackouts till my second child was born, though he has always been with me. The drugs did cause problems with my multiplicity though. My other self reacted strongly to the speed (concerta). He became very talkative, and I of course couldn't control what he said, even when I was aware of it. It was really uncomfortable to him because he just talked and talked and couldn't stop. I stopped taking the meds after a year. What he said was OK but he was like any person on an over dose of speed, chattery and nervous. I felt OK and just awake for a change. It really didn't impact my side of the persona at all. We becaome co-aware during that time though, instead of him running things. I think the speed woke me up, but it didnt' make me feel a lot better, It hit him harder and he was a nervous wreck. I got minimal results and needed a higher dose, while he became overly hyper at least in speaking. Neither one of us felt like being hyper physically.

HE never wanted to take over my life. He only took over when I couldn't go on. He could barely function within my exhausted body, but he functioned more than I was able to. In the two years between giving birth and getting ritlin, he said the effects were like being on drugs... I mean before the speed. my mental state was like being on morphine. I had no tolerance to that, but he managed to function in it.

The only reason I am telling this is that, I think maybe your brother in law could be multiple. I functioned well till I got sick, and he apparently did too. Now he has some disorder that is causing him to black out and obviously a sentient consciousness takes over when he is blacked out, that isn't him.

There is a huge stigma to being multiple, but for me it was a god send. I really think without him I'd have been in a coma for years. I might have died. My other self works hard for me. He does things the way I would have done them, and occasionally both of us make mistakes, but he tries. I have always had him.

I remember several incidents when I was younger, but only when I was in danger. I spoke of myself in the third person, and had no control of what I was saying. I was very aware of it though, and still remember what he said word for word. He protected me from a pedophile when I was 7. I never even realized till later what the guy was up to. I was very confused by the incident, because I didn't know what I was saying at seven age7. I didn't know about sex at all, but a teacher commented on my underware, and tried to lure me away from the playground. Suddenly I said a lot of things I didn't understand at the time. My tone was so loud and out of my normal voice range that my throat was sore for days after, but we got help. A croud gathered because of all the yelling. He said, "Why are you trying to look up my little girls dress you pansy. I thought you only like little boys...." (then there were a lot of words I can't type here. these words were things I'd never heard before, but he used them correctly.) Then he said, "You better get the H*ll out of here before you get hurt." In my own mental processes I felt that I was being instructed on how to take down a full grown man if I had to. I heard "how can I kill him from within this little girl body?" and then I started getting instructions. MY own mind was tangled up with why did I just call this guy a flower? I'd never heard the word Pansy as anything but a flower. A few years later the teacher was caught seducing young boys. I didn't know any of this though at the time, and had never even spoken to that teacher before.

My other self has helped a lot and he doesn't push to be in front. He'd rather stay in the background, but my physical condition forced him to take charge after the baby. I was aware of his actions, but never understood what it was, I called him my masculine side, and my uncontrolable temper, depending on the circumstances. He could always conduct an impressive verbal asault, but rarely became physicallly violent. Even when he did, he was controled, and never hurt anyone it was about intimidation. He picked up one of my old boyfriends by the shirt collar once, but that was it. The amazing thing was that I was driving at the time, and picked him up with one hand, and over to the side, it should have been impossible. I wasn't even looking at him at the time. Yet when I did turn and look his head was bumping against the headliner of the car, and his butt was out of the seat. My hand had him by the collar. That boyfriend always claimed that he was visited by my ghostly older brother.who warned him to treat his little sister right, or else. I just thought it was strange cause I don't have a brother.

My husband and children were already well aware of him. I suddenly understood things my husband had said about having his wife and his best friend in the same body. He'd known since before we married. My daughter said during my colapse, he was the sensible one, but she resented him because during that time he was there instead of me. She described differences in his behavior and mine. Just little things like the way he held a pencil, and the way he sat. She said he tended to perch on his chair sitting forward, while I tended to slouch and lay back. His personality was different, but he didn't do anything that wasn't condusive to my life.... well he turned my husband down for sex, but I can't blame him for that. LOL

He is a great help to me, and I dont' consider his presence a prolbem. Fruther multiplicity is very common, it is just that most people who are multiple function, and have good communication between the two people. Ordinarily he and I are co-aware and unless there is a problem, I do the talking. He isn't responsible for my blackouts, he just takes over when I can'[ tgo on. In the rare event he thinks I am in danger, I feel a little urge like, "may I" all I have to do is let go and he handles it well. He has only done this in the case above when I was a child, and in handling school bullies, and out of hand dates. He is quite effective in dealing with stuff like that.

I believe that he is a seperate soul. My husband believes I developed his persona out of grief at a lost childhood friend, and I think that is a valid theory also. I do know that wherever he came from, he is helpful, and not the problems, but I thought I would mention it since your brother in law has that problem. I know many multiples on line, and many of them have problems like this from time to time. I don't think sleep apnea is an explaination, mini naps might,, but muliplicity would. I consider multiplicity a gift, not a bad thing at all. Most multiples are high functioning, well paid and hard working people. It is only when they develop problems that mental health people get involved, and then they blame the whole problem on the multiplicity. I wasn't abused as a child. I had an idealic childhood. My life was fine till I went through some sort of physical and psychological illness after my second child. The only thing he may have done wrong was cover my illness, but that is what I would have wanted, and he knew that. Overall he is very responsible. Normally I would not bring up my multiplicity on this kind of forum, but I would like to suggest that maybe your brother in law do some introspection, and try to gain a communication with his other selves if that is the problem. Sometimes people don't LIVE with us, they just pass through like a channel. Some people are just and open channel, or under certain circumstances become one. It is possible that he was about to black out, and something else just took over and unloaded the load safely, not knowing where it was supposed to go, and only wanted to prevent an accident. It may be this entity was passing by or was a silent resident of his subconscious before. I think it is good that the crane was unloaded without incident, even if it was hard to find the goods later. It is possible he has an underlying physical condition, and that needs to be addressed, as with myself. Diagnosis is a hard thing to get from a doctor though, so maybe he should just eat right, take his vitimines, and hope for the best.

11/28 "I Survived!" Caught on Camera

For Spencer and Family,

I hope you all realize, first of all how special Spencer is. I was impressed with his sense of being a team player, and his drive to stay in the game. Now personally I know very little about football, but I know a lot about life, and that kind of spirit will make him a good employee, a good friend, a good spouce and a good father someday. If he can apply that to the rest of his life, and choose his afiliations wisely, then the world is his oyster. I think there are so many situations in life where an attitude like that is needed. IF he put that effort into some worthwhile cause, or a business, he could make a huge impact on the world.

Because of his intense focus on the team though he needs to pull his focus to a wider view. There is so much out there besides football. This is a rough time for many people in this world. The world is in need of people with determination, a clear head, a good work ethic, and a sense of team. I think Spencer could do something with his life that would just dwarf football. Perhaps one door has closed for Spencer, but perhaps there is a reason for that. When God closes a door, he always opens another so that the person is gentlyh guided into another direction. Maybe it was just time to change direction and focus, but in the end, I am sure that if you keep an open mind, and look for an opportunity, "Spencer will go far in life.