Friday, May 13, 2011

Howl

That? That's a picture of my old planbook and my new one. Also, me, peeping out to make sure the photo booth thingy was working.
My old planbook, the larger one, has all of my assignments and clinical dates and whatnot and also a very excited all-caps "GRADUATION!!!" on June 9 (both in the week and month views). As I've mentioned before, since I've been a student for so long I tend to buy a new one every new school year so I'm on a July-July planbook rotation system. I had recently purchased the new, littler planbook basically to keep track of my summer plans-- vacations, visitors, friends' weddings, etc.

Today I wrote "New Paper Due!" on July 19 in the new planbook. It almost looks cheerful! HA HA HA. No it doesn't.

When I learned that I can 'walk' in the graduation ceremony on June 9 but my degree won't actually be conferred until September, I turned into some kind of howling banshee.
Anyone else: Well, that's good news! You get to walk!
Me: BUT IT DOOOOEEEESN'T MEAN ANYYYYTHIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG.
Anyone else: Sure it does! It is a big accomplishment!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Today is the first day yet that I haven't spent most of the day either feeling waves of ferocious rage or sobbing inconsolably. I've spent the past few days going back and forth between beating myself up over this and feeling SOOOOO VERY WROOONNNGED, but right now I feel more 'meh' about this whole situation. It still sucks. It's still a tremendous disappointment. It still makes me angry and sad, but I think I'm past the Howling Stage of my grief.

I will get through this. I will. I'll rewrite the stupid fucking paper for the stupid fucking readers and I'll stupid fucking resubmit it this summer. And they WILL STUUUUUPID FUCKING LET ME GRADUUUUUUAAAAAAAAATE.