There’s something wrong with the two-legs. She’s not broken exactly, but she’s not working right. I keep having to remind her about impotant things… like my dinner. ‘Off colour’ she calls it… I thought that only happened to the fish when they go weird, but no. This time she’s right…she is a funny colour.

Normally my two-legs is sort of pale pink. Well, she calls it pink. I wouldn’t … more like an earthworm or that pastry stuff she makes. By this time of year she is normally browning nicely with the sun, but well… she’s looking more sort of undercooked at present. Most of the time anyway.

Till evening comes and she gets weirder…

It’s not the heating…she turned that off ages ago, even though it isn’t very warm yet. I was glad about that though, ’cause it was playing havoc with my spring moult, you know… hair falling out all over the place… But anyway, normally she complains at me for keeping the doors open all evening. Now, cows or not, she has ’em wide open and bits of clothes keep being taken off and flung around. Her paws get all swollen up and she’s definitely pink…in the same way that ‘hunting pink’ is… bright red.

Don’t mention hunting though… she’s not happy about that at present. She sounded like a cat spitting when she heard some people were trying to bring it back. I mean, sure…I’d chase a fox …but only if it would play with me. You have to be careful with foxes around here anyway…at least the ones she knows ’cause they look as if they can take care of themselves pretty well.

You know I mentioned the cows? They’re back. Stuffing their heads into my garden and eating all the blossom from the May trees? She crept that one up on me! I thought, after I’d had words with them several times last year, that the cows had gone for good…but no. She says they’ll be back every year! Every year!!! I soon got hoarse barking at them, I can tell you, so now I’m giving them the cold shoulder. Ignoring them. She says that won’t work either… but from my perspeckt where I am, it seems a bit more dignified.

So what with looking out for the two-legged lobster, guarding the garden from curious cows and patrolling for pigeons, I’m run off my feet here.

Now, far be it from me to suggest that if she didn’t gallivant quite so much without me, I’d be able to keep a much closer eye on her… maybe protect her from germs ‘n stuff too, you know? But you see what it is… all that ‘no dogs allowed’ stuff she warbles on about. Not that she’s warbling exactly… not unless frogs warble anyway.

So, that just leaves me looking after the two-legs when she gets back… and if that means I have to go without some of my walks cause she’s snoring* and just cuddle on the sofa a lot, well, we all do that kind of stuff when we love someone. Even when that someone is a daft two-legs that should know better…

Which is why I’m writing this. Give her paws a rest, you know… maybe she’ll throw the ball a bit better then. Look…exercise is good for her, whether she’s gone wonky or not.

Better get back to the sofa though…

Much love,

Ani xxx

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About Sue Vincent

Sue Vincent is a Yorkshire-born writer and one of the Directors of The Silent Eye, a modern Mystery School. She has written a number of books, both alone and with Stuart France, exploring ancient myths, the mysterious landscape of Albion and the inner journey of the soul. She is owned by a small dog who also blogs.
Follow her at scvincent.com and on Twitter @SCVincent Find her books on Goodreads and follow her on Amazon worldwide to find out about new releases and offers. Email: findme@scvincent.com

Oh! Ani your two legs really seems in need of your care. Do take care of her and be patient. My two,two legs can be off colour too! It’s such a responsibility, isn’t it but we love them don’t we . Love Ruby xxxx💜💝

Ani, your two-legs is lucky to have such a sensible small dog to look after her. I’m afraid she is right about the cows. Being so much bigger than you, they are not likely to pay you much attention unless you are out among them and they fear you will nip at their feet. That would not be good. They kick. Herding cows is a job for specially bred and trained dogs. Stick with the pigeons.

Oh Ani, you are such a good girl looking after her so well. I can understand why you are worried about her as she does sound a bit odd! Keep giving her lots of cuddles as I am sure that helps her to feel better 🙂

So pleased to hear you’re playing nurse to your two-legs, Ani. Mine need looking after all the time, especially when they’ve been drinking the deep red liquid and the hands on the clock are only just gone past the 12 and it’s still light outside. Still, it means I can rid the cold box while they fall asleep.
Give your two-legs a hug from me.
Toby
xx

With Stuart France

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