~ my chill out zone, everything goes…..

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I am writing this post while listening to John Legend’s new album-Love in the future. Listen to it; he has some really epic songs on there, really, go try it.

Maybe I love this album because of all its lovely positive songs, maybe because now my heart and head have settled and are ready to pursue whatever life throws at them. Maybe because I have found myself again, maybe because life can sometimes give you a helping hand and God comes and picks you up when you feel all alone, maybe because I feel this is the beginning of some good. I feel ready.

Strange, I hardly saw myself as someone who was good at “waiting”. Actually am not, am pretty impatient but I have learnt to listen to the voice in my heart and head. I’ve also learnt to not be too pragmatic, this is the hardest bit. By nature, am too analytical, but life is not black and white. Time and experience have made that crystal clear.

On a normal day, I am madam go-getter; there is nothing I cannot do. Blame my mother for making me believe am a super hero. I do not lack in confidence. But I am terrified of sharing the “inner” me completely. I mean completely entrusting my heart, body and soul to someone else. I owe a lot of ex’s an apology. I am verysurprised at this, because I always thought I was giving “all of me” when I was with them. Self reflection has revealed the real truth. My inner self is life crushingly shy and guarded! There you have it, am an extrovert living in an introverts soul, I am never the wall flower in any kind of situation, I have opinions and they will be heard. I believe in standing up for myself and others. I am not always vocal about it; I can fight my battles without saying a word.

On the flip side, when my guards come down, which is very rare, I feel naked, vulnerable, scared that I am not in armour. I know that I can’t really profess to giving my all and doing my best unless unless am willing to share all of me. In this private space that only a few have seen. It’s a sanctified place, filled with shadows of “lessons learnt”

One step at a time, the beginning is the best place to start. I am a little scared, but not enough to not live the life I want. The Lord is my grace, my light, my guidance. I take all of me and give it to him. In him all is possible and all is well. I know life has no guarantees, even in this crazy world; we cannot wrap ourselves away so we are safe. Tomorrow may never come, today could be all we have. Now is the time, now is the beginning. I am ready!

My friends think “am nice” but they are my friends so they are biased. Just to dispel my near heaven angelic status, here is the tip of the iceberg of what I don’t like:

I don’t like “snobbery”. The kind you see with people with “new” money, we all know that really rich people don’t have to demonstrate how really rich they are.

I don’t like “I know it all” kind of people, they just talk too much without realizing people have stopped listening.

I don’t like “i got no balls” kinda people, they say one thing when they clearly mean something else, not correcting you when you make the wrong assumption, knowing fully well you are reading from different hymn sheets.

I don’t like lying kinda people, but I can tolerate them, hey…we are all a bunch of serial liars to get through life, it’s necessary.

I don’t like “I keep a grudge” kinda people, frankly they are too dangerous to hang around with, one minute you are walking down the canal together and next she remembers something you did a century ago and accidentally trips you up, and since you never learned to swim you almost drown.

I don’t like ugly shoes. It’s a criminal act.

I however like gossip. Don’t judge me, life is boring, and I know you all have twitter, facebook, instagram, tumbler and keek (don’t get me started on keek!)

Before this moment, i was a complete full fledge member of the romantic brigade. I believed in forever afters, flowers, butterflies in my tummy when he calls. Talking on the phone all night long, and still missing him when he says goodnight.

Alas, all of that was knocked out of me, and not gently, i was walloped so much my heart froze up. Replacing soft flutters came big strong walls, you have to be a giant to get through these gates. I needed to be in between these walls, for my sanity’s sake. I needed me more than i needed someone else. It took me a whole year to come through to the other side.

First there was anger, and boy did i want to kick the shit out of anyone who came near me, shamefully i punished some that were just unlucky to be in my way. Next came regret, why did i give so much of me when i had nothing in return?, I vowed never again. Then resentment, i was ashamed that i could let someone else make me feel so useless, i felt needy and was ashamed of this need. Then reflection, i had to really look back at where my pain originated, where i lost my way, where trust gave way to lies, when i made the wrong choices, when i stayed when i should have left. When i should have known better. Then came forgiveness, i had to forgive myself first because i realised i was more angry at me than at anyone else. I was angry that i let myself down and didn’t love myself as much as i loved him. Then i had to forgive him. The past has to be resolved for the sake of my tomorrow. I let go completely. Then came submission and prayer to God, it’s only in him i will find what love really is. In him, it will be clear what i need, with him by my side will this heart be strengthened again.

I had to fight every day to let go and not be angry, i cried, i was sad for a long time, i prayed every time my heart felt overwhelmed. I talked to God when i felt alone. And he guided me every step of the way. I don’t believe in the love society sells, the ones that people make you believe is what you need, the perfect couple stories. I don’t believe because i have seen the cracks, heard the cries, seen the fights and felt the pains whenever i was near. I know that we all have what we want, what we need. I realised what i ceased to believe wasn’t love, it was the notion of what love is. I was taught we had to work hard for love to work, relationships had to be given time and courtship helps feelings become stronger, bonds are made stronger. That’s a lie. When love dies and we stay we stay for selfish reasons. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of starting all over again all on our own. Who’s to say the next guy will be any better? So we choose to stay. We choose this for ourselves. This might work for some of us, but if love is really what you desire, it’s a prison sentence, it’s hell, it’s unfulfillment, always feeling you can do better but staying because the devil you know is better than what may be out there.

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. Khalil Gibran

I believe now, that when you find the one you are meant to be with then you will know. There will be no doubt in your mind, he will bring out the best in you and you will want to be better than you are. You will care beyond what you thought you were capable of. You will forget the love in the books, your love will be all that matters. We all fall down, heart breaks are part of the preparation, a right of passage. We must always strive to find what is real to us. We must live and love with all we can. When you go through life giving only so you can receive, you will only get as much as you give.

When you give because you think it will make life better, in honesty, you get more than you give. You inherit blessings. You inherit happiness. You inherit love.

February is my favourite month because it’s my birthday month. Last year I did not celebrate my birthday because I was turning 30 and freaking out about it. This year is different, I am looking forward to it, no need fighting the inevitable and to be honest I have a lot to be thankful for. I started this year well, I feel more grounded, less flustered and even when I am unsure it is not fretful or restless. This can be as a result of many things but the main thing is that I am happier. I listen to myself and take my own counsel, I listen to my heart closely and I live by this quote from my favourite person “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou.

Sometimes, we make excuses for peoples behaviour because we build relationships based on mutual understanding, respect, love and friendship. That person becomes a part of us in a way, we let them in when we would cloak ourselves to the rest of the world, we trust them, completely. Any indiscretion on their part can be devastating, so we try and tie up the broken bond, patch it up, put a plaster on it, knowing fully well that the hull of the ship has a big gaping hole and it’s just a matter of time before it sinks.

This is hard to admit and even harder to let go of, so we hold on, for all the wrong reasons. Instead of confronting the situation and working to rebuild the damage done, we keep silent or pretend it never really happened. All because we are scared that we may lose them, even though holding on in this toxic situation means we will lose them and in the process lose ourselves too, which is much worse. I have thought of all the friends I have made along the way, some lost either through distance or action, some still around but not so close in spirit, and some unlikely new bonds. In my younger days (yes I am allowed to use that phrase now) I will worry about ‘fixing’ what I deemed as broken in my life, however, as I have been lucky to experience it, it takes two people to break any kind of relationship, so needs two people to fix it. And I am only one piece of the puzzle.

“Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day.” Dalai Lama

Life is a gift, it should not be travelled alone, or spent pondering on regrets on what we could have had or done, it should be filled with precious memories, and it should be enjoyed with what we do have, now. We should live the life we want to live if we can, and be grateful for every single second.

Came across this and fell in love with the message, I adore poetry. It’s by Robert Herrick.To me, he is saying time is of the essence, make the most of today, live, being youthful is but a fleeting moment.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may Old Time is still a-flying: And this same flower that smiles to-day To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, The higher he’s a-getting, The sooner will his race be run, And nearer he’s to setting.

That age is best which is the first, When youth and blood are warmer; But being spent, the worse, and worst Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time, And while ye may, go marry: For having lost but once your prime, You may for ever tarry.

Well, I take the crown, first class position, gold medal for the slackest blogger. My zest for life and enthusiasm for writing go hand in hand. I am the kind of girl that needs “orderliness” and “stability” and “preparedness”, which is ironic because I never plan anything, well that’s not true, am not a natural planner but always have a rough idea of what I want and when I want it to happen. I am also chief mistress of the global procrastinating body, sometimes I want to slap me! But I don’t, I like my cheekbones, they look amazing in the right lighting….am serious.

Anyhoos, am too chilled to be bothered by what should happen, maybe that’s my saving grace…or maybe not, depending on what day of the week it is.

All I know is that I feel good about my life right now, I know…am darn right shocked to the core myself. But I have to admit, Allah has blessed me and I am going to be the happiest chick you’ve ever met. Am going to smile and live and eat and exercise and love and play and…shop, let’s not forget shopping, it is paramount to the simple pleasures in one’s life. I jest…

What am trying to say it that, everyday is a blessing, and those of us lucky enough to see another day should make the most of it. Life is a gift, which in itself is enough for an epic celebration.

Affirmation of the day: I am simply the best …..repeat ten times if in doubt 🙂

I should be working but my brain is tired, my eyes are closing by themselves and am scared i’ll fall asleep and knock myself out on my desk, so am taking a break to write here, in my chill out zone until i can vamoose from this prison office.

Last year some time,due to desperation and bad decision making i did the master cleanse and lost about 20 pounds, i’d never felt more like a skinny ass bitch than then, i loved it, i had a flat tummy and strutted my topshop skinny jeans every where all summer. Alas gone are those days, i have piled ALL the weight back on. Crash dieting is awful and only produces short term results, i’ve learnt the hard way. Will i do it again? NEVER!!!!!

I have two exercise dvd’s to work out to, am going to do a little experiment, if i exercise everyday for the next ten days will i lose the same amount of weight similar to when i did the master cleanse, hmmm….

My brother says i may lose my spleen because the last time i exercised was when i was 9 and was being chased by our neighbours dog nicknamed “hyena” due to his affinity for human blood. I had to take a tetanus injection because of it, yes, it caught be once and bit my arm! i thought i was going to be eaten alive!!!

Anyway i digress, i am starting the plan today, 40 mins of exercise everyday for the next ten days, i will weigh myself tonight and put the stats up later this week, will take other measurements too, maybe, don’t want to share the size of me ass with the whole world but might have to due to scientific reasons lol! ……..

I miss my firm buttocks, they jiggled so marvelously once upon a time #sigh 😦

Below are the two dvd’s i’ll be using, i heard Jillian Michael workouts are a killer, hope i don’t give myself a hearth attack or break my knee caps.

Am not just exercising, losing weight and eating right go hand in hand, so will be sticking to 1200 calories a day eating healthy stuff, oh gosh am so going to miss friday night pizza’s #sniff. Must go to the shops tonight to stock up on fresh veggies, brown rice, beans etc etc……

Its June 7th, my first day back into the office because I’ve been working on a construction site for the past 6 months, part of being an engineer, us the office folks are sent out once in a while to get our hands dirty! I am so happy to be back in the office, missed the cakes and tonnes of cups of coffee hehehehe….

It’s officially summer in Jand and we are all tripping, in the office today are various mad outfits to testify to this

Girl one: wearing shorts with lacy tights underneath, a red beret and open toe sandles, she walks in and the whole office stopped for a few seconds, the shorts are really short! Think dancehall…

Girl two: wearing really long flowing summer maxi dress with huge beads around her neck and slippers, I think she looks really nice but she is jiggling all over the office…..so cute lol

Boy one: Wearing really tight skinny jeans with a t-shirt that says “ I am build like Buddha”…. There is no irony in that statement, he actually looks like a mini Buddha… I love British humour so cut throat.

Me: my mini skirt ( it’s hot sha) lol… my strippy black and white shirt and very geeky glasses, Funnily enough I blended in with the rest of the office folks. It’s Monday and usually everyone is in a tie and shirt or strutting their stuff in pencil skirts and click clocking with their heels. Nope, not today, the British summer is here and we will embrace it with the utmost rigour

I just discovered the soul legend that is musiq souldchild, oh my days…… where has he been all my life. Last night he tucked me into bed with his soulful lyrics, I woke up feeling all warm and smiley this morning.

He gave me a dose of summer, hope it lasts all week at the very least. If you are reading this, I have planted a big sesky smooch on your cheeks xxxxxxx

Spread the love, make someone’s day a little brighter today…..

I leave you with these famous words from Buddha:

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.