"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Monday, October 31, 2011

Short Reviews - October 2011

You often hear about the great unproduced scripts floating around Hollywood. Bill O'Reilly's "Those who Trespass" is SO the opposite... Meanwhile, here's something you'll never see in the short list on Yahoo!: "Peter's Friends remake" or "Peter's Friends sequel." People these days would be like "What is that? A porno?" Maybe it was! Who knows? I never got around to seeing it...

"In Living Color" - Not to be outdone by the return of "Beavis and Butthead", In Living Color's coming back to TV... How many more have to die?

The Three Stooges - Featuring "Snooki," a bunch of homeless guys that the Farrellys stepped past on the first day of principal photography and the cast of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Larry David has a part in the film. He once asked Martin Scorsese if he knew what he was doing. Sure, it was just on his HBO show. Still, I can't help but wonder: if he says that to Scorsese, what's he going to say to those Farrelly boys?

Get Him to The Greek - KRUGMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cinderella Liberty - PONICSAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Bought a Zoo - NOT based on Terry Thompson

Anonymous - From the director of 2012, The Day After Tomorrow and Stargate... Similar thematically to Stargate, actually! Remember? James Spader had some new-fangled theory that rocked the Egyptology world. Emmerich should take on the seven plagues next with help from the Naked Archaeologist... oh, right, James Cameron already did. Maybe Cameron will give his blessing.

Gray Matters - Creepy premise, isn't it? A brother and sister that people assume are a married couple? Just saying... Maybe it's more common than I think, I don't know...

Suspect - You're next, Clarence Thomas!

For Love or Money - Barry Sonnenfeld, call your mother...

Harve Karbo - FINALLY! Some Coen news! Sounds like it's based on that Joe Carmody story from Ethan's Gates of Eden, but what the hell...

Solitary Man - What? No Kathleen Turner? Used to be that a Douglas-Turner-DeVito movie would get some damn PRESS COVERAGE!!! Speaking of which...

The War of the Roses - DTD Overdrive

Johnny English Reborn - With Gillian Anderson in the role that John Malkovich played in the first one: the American actor whom the rest of us ask "What the hell are they doing in THAT?" In Gillian's case, she needs the work.

Drive - "I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie 'Drive,'" 31-year-old Brandon Kelly told The Press Democrat. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'" Meanwhile, Sarah Deming of Keego Harbor, Michigan, has just filed a lawsuit against FilmDistrict and the Michigan theater chain Emagine for “promot[ing] the film Drive as very similar to Fast and Furious, or similar, series of movies.” Good luck to both of you nutbags! We're dangerously close to entering Helter Skelter territory...

The Best Man(1964) - Lemme guess... Cliff Robertson's Nixon and Henry Fonda's Kennedy... Lee Tracy as Eisenhower... (http://www.epinions.com/review/Best_Man_Franklin_J_Schaffner/content_79235354244) I'm sorry, Fonda as Adlai Stevenson. That's what I get for not doing my homework.

Glen or Glenda - Now we've gone too far... Holy crap! I think we watched this because of Ed Wood! You talk about subliminigable!...

The Work and The Glory - Gov. Rick Perry would do well to watch the trilogy and get right with God. Does he want to lose Utah? All of Utah?

Trespass (2011) - First of all, there's only one Trespass (1992). The two Ices, the two Bills. Period. Second, since it's a Joel Schumacher film, I guess that means that the phone conversations will have two clear voices. Usually the person on the other end of the phone sounds a little crackly. Schumacher provides audio equity with his phone calls. Third, doesn't Nicolas Cage kinda look like Gary Cole from Office Space?

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Sorry, Bobby, but it's going to take more than your plea to salvage the train wreck that is Mel Gibson. For one, he's still worth more than you, right?

Air America - Mel's petitioning to have the title changed to "Fox News Airline"

Suburban Commando - Well, there you have it. Hulk Hogan doesn't support Obama anymore. Dare we bother to find out why?... oh, Hulk wants to be President himself. Sounds about right. I'm voting for Ventura if he runs. He's actually got some governing experience, and Hannity doesn't like him. Reasons enough.

The Fighter - Mark Wahlberg and David O. Russell are finally calling it quits. My question: why now? Why 11 years after George Clooney?

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust - Greatest title ever... I guess Gary Busey has standards after all.

Immortals - It figures that Mickey Rourke would want to be a part of this... now if we can just get him another face transplant (Johnny Handsome?)

Sledgehammer O'Possum in Out and About - I hate to dredge it from obscurity, but I did see it on Cartoon Newtork lo those many years ago, but it's still perhaps the most obnoxious, annoying cartoon I've ever seen on TV. And I've been to Sick and Twisted festivals! I watched it again with the sound off, and it still held true to its awful, awful ideals.

A Little Bit of Soul - With Geoffrey Rush as Godfrey Usher

Desperado - With Steve Buscemi as Buscemi

The Book of Mormon (2014) - Never say never, right? And they thought they were done after Team America: World Police... for shame, South Park boys!

Jack and Jill - Ah yes... Adam Sandler finally dips his toes into the Eddie Murphy "Nutty Professor" waters, playing two roles on-screen at the same time. Seems like he did that in Zohan somehow, or maybe he just spent most of the film on a MoCap stage. I'm assuming cinematographer Dean Cundey, cameraman on such classic movies as the Back to the Future trilogy, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Jurassic Park, got sufficiently drunk on the set.

Rocky Balboa - Oh, Wikipedia... sweet, naive Wikipedia... the sixth and final film in the Rocky franchise? You really believe that, don't you?