Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Fuck the Mariners

There are three things I hate in life: Assholes, Douche bags, and the Baltimore Mariners. For those of you who don't know, the Mariners are a team in the American Indoor Football Association. What the hell is that you ask? It's the lowest level of pro football in the United States. And one of the worst teams in that league is the Mariners. Last year they finished an abysmal 4-10 in their inaugural season, and now they're back to continue to suck it up. But the reason I hate them the most? Well there are two. The first is I'm a diehard fan of the DC Armor, Washington's expansion franchise and arch-rival of the Mariners. The second is because of their shitty ass fanclub, the Mariner Maniacs, but we'll get into that later.

The Baltimore Mariners play at First Mariner Arena in downtown Baltimore. The arena was named first, after First Mariner bank. This team is so shitty, that they actually named themselves after the arena they play in. The DC Armor would never do such a thing. They named themselves after the DC Armory, the arena they just happen to play in. It's a complete coincidence.

But let's get onto the Mariner Maniacs. Taking a look at their website, their homepage boasts the message "The Maniacs are very proud to announce that the Executive Board members are all in place and they are all geared up and are ready for some FOOTBALL!" Firstly I've never seen the word "are" used three times in a sentence. Also, the capitalization of the word football is completely unnecessary.

The second sentence reads, "Stay tuned for some upcoming news from our President, Mr. Ed as we being the "2009" season and it promises to be a good one. " Hang on a sec. Their president is named Mr. Ed? That's not a last name. And I don't know his first name, but I bet it's Eugene. And also, why is 2009 in quotes?

The last sentence reads, "If you thought the "2008" season was something, you ain't seen nothing yet!" Firstly I don't think anyone thought it was something. It was actually the exact definition of "nothing."

Now, I really want to know what the Mariner Maniacs discuss at these meetings. Whether it's possible to spend their time following a less relevant team?

Now take a look at them in action:

Whooaa! That only reminds me of one thing!

Only two times in history have such important topics been addressed.

Now, some of you may remember I had a brief fascination with a similar team called the Chesapeake Tide of the Continental Indoor Football League. I want to say that one, it was an obsession. And two, the Tide were VERY relevant. The 200 Upper Marlborians in attendance on a regular basis really didn't have much excitement in their life, and the Tide took them out of that world of heartbreak and broken dreams.

So in conclusion, Eugene Ed should really find something more worthy to do in his spare time. And as for the Mariners, I can't wait to see them get destroyed by the DC Armor on May 30, June 6, and June 27. My chest will be painted, will yours?

4 comments:

Lizzie equates this question to the cliff jumping one: if everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you? Along the same vein: If everyone else took off their shirt, would you? Nope. Resist peer pressure kids.