Man, guys, your responses overwhelm me. And to hear from so many of you with whom I haven't shared the boards in months. Right now I don't have words.

Similar to what you've learned, Sam, I learned that when I got tired to just plain stop. And, yeah, I've now added "pain" to the list.

Somewhat related, my painter was here when I had the attack (think a real-life "Agador" from "Bird Cage"). He was going to come over for a few hours' work today, but thankfully went off on a bender Saturday night and wasn't up for it. And I was thinking just as well, because I really wanted to go back to bed...and did.

In general it still seems unreal. I'm back home. I don't feel particularly badly. I feel as if I could just go back to doing what I do. But, quite consciously, I don't.

There are plenty of things I want to do and I'm not. My Welsh bestie John went thru this 18 years ago. Right now he's my rock. In short, he's told me not to expect too much of myself this month. lol...some of you can probably confirm this, but in the UK, people in my condition automatically have their licenses suspended for a month. I know John well enough that this will be a bone of contention with us. I think he just wants to chauffeur me around in the Jag - lunch tomorrow - in which case I think I'll sit properly in the back seat.

Of course, stories like those above are my nature. On a serious note, however, I don't do "helpless" very well. Cabin fever and inactivity, 36 hours from coming back home, are driving me nuts, but I'm sticking with it. Watching Turner Classic for hours...ugh. I'd feel better if at least I had several packages of Twinkies while I watched. Oh well. Can't do that. I'm thinking of getting on Amazon to find some good, classic mid-century post-nuclear holocaust novels. Believe it or not they helped during the three weeks without electricity following Hurricane Wilma.

Seriously missing any feline companionship and there's nothing I can do about it right now. It will be at least a couple weeks before the new adult adoptees (Tigger and Spot) are brought home.

The two big special events of my day were that I put clothes in the dryer and I took a dump. "Health and Wellbeing" my ass...Sheesh.

Four and a half days and I'm okay I guess. I don't know that I "should" have, but cabin fever was getting to me. Okay, the level of the whole day's activities were probably a bad idea. I'm not feeling it, except my intuition is bothering me.

Headed to Walgreens with the scripts and for the BLU starter pack which ain't half bad. It's made considerable inroads into what remained of my usual smoking. I'm reaching for the inhaler instead of a cig...like right now. Now if I just looked like Stephen Dorff.

Also started on a client's ad (Fri deadline) with a stern caveat to him I may/may not be able to meet that deadline under the circumstances. Period. I'm setting a lot of boundaries with people and fuck it if they don't like it.

"Agador" my painter wrapped up most of his stuff yesterday, cleaned up, put furniture back. It's just good to have the house back together. We were both pretty shocked at the colors remaining on my arm from the IVs and catheter insertions. It was good for me to see that thru his eyes.

I understand from my bestie and others that months-long depression is pretty common following this and I'm definitely into that mode now, despite some regular functioning. Those of us who have dealt with depression know it's not a case of "the blues" or "cheer up!" or "you'll get over this!"...platitudes which, in my experience, often make the depression worse. A good reason I'm NOT sharing this except with those who are closest to me. i.e., though we're friendly, the plump, clueless housefrau across the street will get minimal information. I may look/act "fine"...but I'm far from it.

In a broader sense - and yeah, I think this has a lot to do with my post-CSA experiences - I'm feeling fragile, angry and highly defensive.

Christ, I'll have enough yet to deal with this month. Expect a call today or tomorrow that Ricky's ashes are ready (http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5832#Post445832). I'll need to have a friend with me to collect them...and drive. Walgreens may be "okay" for a short drive - it's not - but for this task, it's out of the question.

For my head, I really think I need to make the adult adoptee kitties - Tigger and Spot - a priority, though it will be at least a couple weeks before they can come home. I've been collecting a few paper roll tubes in anticipation of toy needs. Funny how a simple act like that is more help than most anything else right now.

Jellyfish. Lovely. Right up there w/man-o-war. Maybe a trip to the aquarium to swim IN the shark tank? Jus' a thot.

Ran into a former neighbor/tenant while picking up the meds. He seemed shocked and said, OMG you look great! (compared to 3½ years ago, I guess). Comment did wonders for me...THEN I filled him in on the past week.

As I PM'd one of the guys, I'm gradually learning to take stuff in stride the past 24 (less than a week). Consciously limiting almost everything I do. Have a handle now on which med does what...blood thinners, blood pressure lowering, etc. Had to jettison NSAIDS (Aleve) or even ibuprofen in favor of Tylenol (even that's limited). Apparently, occasional angina isn't reason to panic. Lightheadedness more related to the meds (beta blockers). But I'm still (hyper)vigilant now that I know what the whole damn thing feels like.

Family's good to have. My favorite cousin (as we refer to each other) called me when he got my email. He had a heart attack two years ago, three stents. Gave us something else to talk about...and I don't have the words for that kind of support.

I'm not even going to say I know what you must be feeling after experiencing something like you went through. But...I'm glad you're sharing your perspective with us. I know this is a serious matter and It isn't right to say I "enjoy" reading your updates, but your writing does have a certain "zing" to it.

Prioritize as needed and continue your recovery.

Btw: I'm a swimmer and I've made some epic distance swims, but I just don't get the Cuba-Keys swim infatuation. Those waters are dangerous...for the currents alone, not to mention the bitey/stingy stuff.

Will

_________________________
I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made. ---FDR

To you Will, TM and the others who have posted, I think a considerable part of my stability the past week has been from you guys and being able to share it here. Not just cathartic, but perhaps a roadmap of good/bad/so-so days when/if one of our brothers goes through the same.

I'm still shaken and shaky. Then again, today's only a week. Have the meds regimen down. Limiting most activities.

I already posted on Ricky's thread. But I'll share here about picking up his ashes. A positive that made my day/week/month. I was treated pretty callously when going down for the cremation. I immediately made a stink and an administrator made sure she made it right. I shot her a thank you note afterwards. Despite my own driving restrictions, I picked up the ashes yesterday. I thought the cardboard box felt heavy. When I opened it, they'd placed his ashes in a beautiful, sealed cherry box. What a wonderful surprise, a container as beautiful as he was, and an appropriate treatment for a special companion of 16½ years...then the waterworks started.

As my days go the past week, Wed was the best so far. Wrapped the advert work I hadn't expected. A neighbor cut the yard. No fuss. Just came over and did it "because neighbors help each other," he said. And, a friend took me to dinner (which, yeah, included red wine with the black beans and rice).

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