Even a complete battery of tests,
administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers
and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive
their evaluators. They often succeed in transforming therapists and
diagnosticians into four types of collaborators: the adulators, the blissfully
ignorant, the self-deceiving, and those deceived by the batterer's conduct or
statements.

Abusers co-opt mental health and social
welfare workers and compromise them  even when the diagnosis is unequivocal 
by flattering them, by emphasizing common traits or a common background, by
forming a joint front against the victim of abuse ("shared psychosis"),
or by emotionally bribing them. Abusers are master manipulators and exploit the
vulnerabilities, traumas, prejudices, and fears of the practitioners to
"convert" them to the offender's cause.

I. The Adulators

The adulators are fully aware of the
nefarious and damaging aspects of the abuser's behavior but believe that they
are more than balanced by his positive traits. In a curious inversion of
judgment, they cast the perpetrator as the victim of a smear campaign
orchestrated by the abused or attribute the offender's predicament to bigotry.

They mobilize to help the abuser, promote his
agenda, shield him from harm, connect him with like-minded people, do his
chores for him and, in general, create the conditions and the environment for
his ultimate success.

II. The Ignorant

As I wrote in "The Guilt of the Abused",
it is telling that precious few psychology and psychopathology textbooks
dedicate an entire chapter to abuse and violence. Even the most egregious manifestations
 such as child sexual abuse  merit a fleeting mention, usually as a
sub-chapter in a larger section dedicated to paraphilias or personality
disorders.

Abusive behavior did not make it into the
diagnostic criteria of mental health disorders, nor were its psychodynamic,
cultural and social roots explored in depth. As a result of this deficient
education and lacking awareness, most law enforcement officers, judges,
counselors, guardians, and mediators are worryingly ignorant about the phenomenon.

Only 4% of hospital emergency room admissions
of women in the United States are attributed by staff to domestic violence. The
true figure, according to the FBI, is more like 50%. One in three murdered
women was done in by her spouse, current or former.

The blissfully ignorant mental health
professionals are simply unaware of the "bad sides" of the abuser 
and make sure they remain oblivious to them. They look the other way, or
pretend that the abuser's behavior is normative, or turn a blind eye to his egregious
conduct.

Even therapists sometimes deny a painful
reality that contravenes their bias. Some of them maintain a generally rosy
outlook premised on the alleged inbred benevolence of Mankind. Others simply
cannot tolerate dissonance and discord. They prefer to live in a fantastic
world where everything is harmonious and smooth and evil is banished. They
react with discomfort or even rage to any information to the contrary and block
it out instantly.

Once they form an opinion that the
accusations against the abusers are overblown, malicious, and false - it
becomes immutable. "I have made up my mind  they seem to be broadcasting
 "Now don't confuse me with the facts."

III. The Self-Deceivers

The self-deceivers are fully aware of the
abuser's transgressions and malice, his indifference, exploitativeness, lack of
empathy, and rampant grandiosity  but they prefer to displace the causes, or
the effects of such misconduct. They attribute it to externalities ("a
rough patch"), or judge it to be temporary. They even go as far as
accusing the victim for the offender's lapses, or for defending herself
("she provoked him").

In a feat of cognitive dissonance, they deny
any connection between the acts of the abuser and their consequences ("his
wife abandoned him because she was promiscuous, not because of anything he did
to her"). They are swayed by the batterer's undeniable charm,
intelligence, or attractiveness. But the abuser needs not invest resources in
converting them to his cause  he does not deceive them. They are
self-propelled.

IV. The Deceived

The deceived are deliberately taken for a
premeditated ride by the abuser. He feeds them false information, manipulates their
judgment, proffers plausible scenarios to account for his indiscretions, soils
the opposition, charms them, appeals to their reason, or to their emotions, and
promises the moon.

Again, the abuser's incontrovertible powers
of persuasion and his impressive personality play a part in this predatory
ritual. The deceived are especially hard to deprogram. They are often
themselves encumbered with the abuser's traits and find it impossible to admit
a mistake, or to atone.

Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators,
court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges are human. Some of them
are social reactionaries, others are abusers, and a few are themselves spouse
abusers. Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and the
psychological profession.

Start with denial. Abuse is such a horrid
phenomenon that society and its delegates often choose to ignore it or to
convert it into a more benign manifestation, typically by pathologizing the
situation or the victim  rather than the perpetrator.

A man's home is still his castle and the
authorities are loath to intrude.

Most abusers are men and most victims are
women. Even the most advanced communities in the world are largely patriarchal.
Misogynistic gender stereotypes, superstitions, and prejudices are strong.

Therapists are not immune to these ubiquitous
and age-old influences and biases.

They are amenable to the considerable charm,
persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive
thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and
interprets them to his favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an
abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are
often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable,
impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a
polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties  it is
easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both
parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense,
assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression,
lability, or a mental health problem.

The profession's propensity to pathologize
extends to the wrongdoers as well. Alas, few therapists are equipped to do
proper clinical work, including diagnosis.

Abusers are thought by practitioners of
psychology to be emotionally disturbed, the twisted outcomes of a history of
familial violence and childhood traumas. They are typically diagnosed as
suffering from a personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or
codependence coupled with an all-devouring fear of abandonment. Consummate
abusers use the right vocabulary and feign the appropriate "emotions"
and affect and, thus, sway the evaluator's judgment.

But while the victim's "pathology"
works against her  especially in custody battles  the culprit's
"illness" works for him, as a mitigating circumstance, especially in
criminal proceedings.

"Batterers ... adopt the
role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and
just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children'. He may cry ...
and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings.
He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the
victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form
of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and
may state that her family and friends agree with him ... that she is
hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable
lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making
baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that
they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and
so fail to adequately investigate.

Because of the effects of trauma, the
victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while
the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted
to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the
relationship."

There is little the victim can do to
"educate" the therapist or "prove" to him who is the guilty
party. Mental health professionals are as ego-centered as the next person. They
are emotionally invested in opinions they form or in their interpretation of
the abusive relationship. They perceive every disagreement as a challenge to
their authority and are likely to pathologize such behavior, labeling it
"resistance" (or worse).

In the process of mediation, marital therapy,
or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques to ameliorate
the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or
turn these "recommendations" down. Thus, an abuse victim who declines
to have any further contact with her batterer  is bound to be chastised by her
therapist for obstinately refusing to constructively communicate with her
violent spouse.

Better to play ball and adopt the sleek
mannerisms of your abuser. Sadly, sometimes the only way to convince your
therapist that it is not all in your head and that you are a victim  is by
being insincere and by staging a well-calibrated performance, replete with the
correct vocabulary. Therapists have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and
theories and to certain "presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors
during the first few sessions). Learn these  and use them to your advantage.
It is your only chance.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is
a disease. It is defined only by and in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). All other "definitions" and
compilations of "criteria" are irrelevant and very misleading.

People go around putting together lists of traits and behaviors (usually based
on their experience with one person who was never officially diagnosed as a narcissist) and deciding
that these lists constitute the essence or definition of narcissism.

People are erroneously using the term "narcissist" to describe every
type of abuser or obnoxious and uncouth person. That is wrong. Not all abusers
are narcissists.

It is true that narcissists can mislead even
the most experienced professional (see the article above). But this does not mean
that laymen possess the ability to diagnose mental health disorders. The same
signs and symptoms apply to many psychological problems and differentiating
between them takes years of learning and training.

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