Finding Mr. Right: Making It More Likely that Love Shows Up

Finding Mr. Right

The hashtag #foreveralone is trending on Twitter as Valentine’s Day nears.

While those in relationships may cheer February 14 because they’ll get chocolate (hint, hint), for many it’s just another reminder that they are frustratingly single.

Maybe it’s because I have a good marriage that it bothers me when people are single and don’t want to be. I wish everyone could have what I have! After all, most people do yearn for a love that lasts forever. We may not think it’s possible, but we still dream of it.

But so often we act in ways that make it far less likely to occur. I think too often we believe that “love will just happen”, like in Nora Roberts books, but love often shows up when you’re getting busy meeting people, not when you’re sitting at home dreaming of it.

So ask yourself, “If I want to marry someone who will be faithful, who will love me, whom I can love and respect in turn, and who will be a good financial and parenting partner, is what I’m doing right now helping me to meet that sort of person?”

And let me tell you, you’re unlikely to find Mr. Right in a bar.

Most of us will marry someone through our social circle–a friend of a friend–or through our workplaces. Thus, it makes sense to fill your social circle with the kinds of people that you would consider marriageable material. If the people you hang out with think getting drunk every weekend is the pinnacle of fun, then you’re unlikely to cross paths with Mr. Right.

Instead, reconnect with friends from school that you really enjoyed who were going someplace in life. Suggest coffee to women you work with. It isn’t only about getting to know more men; I met my husband because he was the friend of the boyfriend of one of my best girlfriends! The more people you know, and the more friendships you invest in, the more likely you are to meet a potential spouse.

Learn some new skills. Take up a new hobby. Join a club. Even rediscover faith! A recent Facebook Data Science study found that religious colleges make up the vast majority of the top 25 universities with married students. People of faith tend to also be people who value marriage.

And here’s where I say something that will get me in real hot water: take care of yourself. First impressions do matter. Put some effort into your appearance. Get in shape. Go to a drug store and ask for some makeup tips. People may say, “I want him to love me for who I am,” and I completely agree. But that kind of love grows from first showing an interest, and for most of us, initial interest is largely determined by attraction.

Attraction isn’t only about being beautiful, though; it’s often just as much about confidence and the pride you take in yourself. Treat yourself well, and learn to exude genuine confidence, and that is attractive in and of itself.

Finally, as someone who makes a decent living blogging, I do believe that the online world has a lot to offer. Signing up for online dating, as long as you’re smart and take the proper precautions, isn’t a bad idea. In fact, for many of my friends who met their spouses that way, it ended up being a very good idea indeed!

Will these tips automatically help you to find Mr. Right?

Nope. Unfortunately there isn’t a guarantee. But if you do nurture a healthy social circle, volunteer and fill your life with good things, and take care of yourself, you’ll have a richer life regardless. And then you really won’t be forever alone.

The best book I have ever read about finding Mr. Right (or finding Mrs. Right), and deciding if this person IS the right person, is Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. He spends the first half of the book by explaining how our “fairy tale” culture about “the one that completes us” can actually steer us in the wrong direction. Then he spends the second half getting very practical–how do you meet someone? Where should you look? And what should be your deal breakers? I really appreciated this book, and I’m making my girls read it!

Comments

Sheila,
I really enjoy your blog.
I am currently separated from my husband, and it is hard. Let me just say the commercials on alcohol lie about how fun it is and i’ll leave it at that.
However I find myself today having two options. 1 – I can really let my situation get me down. 2 – I have 3 kids whom I love greatly.
Guess what I’m choosing??? My kids are my valentines today. I will make pizza tonight, have candles light the table and drink from goblet cups. It is going to be fun! Oh ya, and cupcakes for dessert!
I do “yearn for a love that lasts forever”, but right now I will make the most of my circumstances.
Happy Valentines Day!!!

My wife and I are facilitators with a marriage preparation program in our diocese. We participate in 2-3 engaged encounter retreats each year with about 20-25 couples at each event. We ask them “How did you meet?”. Our informal survey of over 1200 couples over two decades indicates that networking is the #1 way that couples meet. Most couples are introduced to someone through a friend. The #2- and 3 ways are a) Meeting at a bar b) Meeting at school or work. My wife and I met in a church choir but I don’t hear that one come up often. It’s a shame, because it’s a great way to meet someone 🙂

Haha! yes that is a great way to meet someone, Roger!! I’ve always heard that meeting on the church steps is how to get to the altar!! Heehee – that’s exactly what my husband and I did….our first date was seven years ago this weekend – we were married 8 months later! We met on the church steps and started “mysteriously” arriving at the same mass times and finally he called me for lunch and voila!! An old Irish couple that were at our church at the time told us they met “at the altar” and they had a beautiful marriage with 81 foster children!!

Sheila – these are really good tips! I have a gorgeous girlfriend who is 30 and depressed because she always gets into non-marriageable bad relationships!! Her problem? I’m convinced that she actually has really low self esteem – and yes – BARS ARE USUALLY NOT THE PLACE TO MEET!! Sometimes it works, I know. But not the norm. Her latest is a guy freshly divorced at work who is just using her and its so sad – but she is so worried about dating a “boring good guy”! I think its the “good guys ” that are really sexy! 🙂 I had actually JUST gotten my life order at 21, and was about to go to India to work at an orphanage for 6 months when I met my husband. Everyone knew I was on cloud 9 about my trip. Three weeks after our first date I canceled the trip and shocked my family and friends. Three months later we were engaged!
PS- I’m getting my first flirty apron in mail tonight and can’t wait!!!! I’ve already been showered in choc this morning and given a homeade card by my sweet husband! Church meetings are anything but boring!! Happy St.Valentine’s Day!!!!

That is sad about your friend, but I have seen the same thing play out time and time again. We need to tell people: you are worth more than that, and people will treat you the way you treat yourself. Hang out with better people, and you’re more likely to attract better people!

Hi Sheila, I so appreciate your blog and your faithfulness to our Lord!! I would like to add something. Single women and men, if the one you are attracted to is married they are Mr/Mrs Wrong. And not just for the obvious resean. I was shocked to find just how many women online were persuing private and intimate communication with my husband. Most claim to be believers.. After seeing many of the emails and some of the letters, it was very clear they (neither them nor my husband) had any boundaries about to share in prayer requests. And they seem to all believe that he is being abused! Because that is what he told them.

Please be very, very careful about getting close to a man who “claims’ to be abused!! It is in and of itself a hugh red flag that he is abusive! I wish I had understood this prior to marrying my husband. He claimed to be abused by previous girlfriends. For that single who is already in this situation, read “Why Does He Do That?” and Run, get some counseling for yourself and do so very carefully if you have together very long. (Leaving an abuser can be dangerous, even if they have never been violent before)

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All About Sheila!

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store. Read More…