This Is The Best Way To Catch On In Majors

HAINES CITY — The question for today is: Where have all the catchers gone?

Now I realize that as burning questions go, this one may not be that high on your personal list. You're probably more concerned with such questions as:

Where have all the presidential candidates gone? . . . or Where have all the TV evangelists gone? . . . or Where have all your tax deductions gone?

But a mystery exists in most of the big-league camps this spring. Catchers with all-around ability are harder to find than corked bats. Oh, some can hit, some can catch, some can throw, and some can handle pitchers -- but darn few can do it all.

In the National, Gary Carter, Bo Diaz and Lance Parrish are probably still the best -- and they came over with the pickup team on the Mayflower.

Among the Americans it's even worse. We still have Bob Boone, Carlton Fisk and Ernie Whitt, but they built the Mayflower.

What's wrong?

Seeking professional help (something my editor advises all the time), I asked Royals Manager John Wathan about the void of catchers. Wathan spent a decade catching for the Royals and, at 38, still is younger than some of the relics behind the plate now.

''You're right that there aren't a lot of good catchers right now,'' Wathan said. ''Folks should have their sons catching because it's the fastest way to the top today.''

Okay, so where are they? Is the job too difficult or what?

Wathan provides some fascinating insight into the problems of being a catcher even though he loved the position.

''The hardest thing is catching in the bullpen and during batting practice. You don't get as much batting practice yourself as other guys do -- and you can get really worn out as the season progresses.

''But the best thing is that you can go 0-for-4 at the plate and still feel like you did a good job if you called a good game.''

Ah, ''calling a good game.'' That leads us to something that always has puzzled me about baseball. Why do catchers call the pitches anyway? Why don't pitchers just choose their own pitches? After all, they can shake off the catcher until they get the pitch they want. And pitchers have more time to study opposing hitters than catchers do. Inquiring minds want to know.

I asked Wathan -- and he gave me a strange look.

''Well, the catcher has to know what the pitcher is going to throw in order to catch it.''

Oh, gee, I never thought of that. I guess it would be difficult for the pitcher to wiggle his fingers at the catcher -- unless the batter (and 50,000 fans) promised not to look.

''The catcher is baseball's quarterback in a sense,'' Wathan said.

Maybe. I've always thought of catchers being more like football centers.

For one thing, catchers used to look like offensive linemen. They were chubby guys who had a hard time reaching first on a home run. One reason for today's shortage might be that baseball forced us chubby guys out of the game. Catchers have to be athletic now. Another example of how sports discriminates against the chubby -- but that's another story.

Another connection between the center and the catcher is that both jobs call for an odd point of view.

Centers look at the world through their legs. If you don't think that produces an odd perspective, try it on your next coffee break.

And catchers spend much of their life squatting, which I suspect is one reason why we're running out of catchers. Who really likes to squat? The very word -- ''squat'' -- has an unglamorous sound.

And another thing -- catchers always are facing the wrong way. It takes a special kind of personality to go against the crowd like that.

Mom and dad, do you want your son to catch? After all, Wathan says it's the fastest way to the top. If you want to find out if your son has what it takes, try the following test:

Put your son in a crowded elevator. If he squats with his back to the elevator door and starts wiggling his fingers at the horrified people trapped in there with him, then buy your boy a mitt -- or send him to a place where everybody gets their own box of soft-tipped crayons.