Tim Farron to lead small remainder of Lib Dem party

Tim Farron has defeated opponent Norman Lamb to become the new leader of the Liberal Democrats after winning no fewer than 19 of the 33 votes cast.

Farron assembled the entire party in a village church hall, where he apologised that the premises were too spacious before praising the ‘new army’ of Lib Dem supporters. He explained that 17 people had joined the party since the general election, bringing the total number of party supporters to an impressive 56

“17 is just a massive number,” said Farron. “It’s much bigger than 11, bigger even than 15, and only slightly less than 20. If we keep this up, and attract a number between 16 and 18 new members every 2 to 3 months, then it won’t be long before our army becomes an un-matchable horde.

“We anticipate breaking that all important 500-member barrier by 2018.”

The new leader also said that he would build on Nick Clegg’s success in making the Lib Dems a party that would change things for people who’ve hit rock bottom, adding “we are eminently suitable for this, as we’re so near it.”

Farron’s leadership promises include:

Turning up to work every day

Asking the elderly about their grandchildren, and then listening with a smile for the next three hours

Telling people that they’re ace, to give everyone a lift

Beginning the process of a community-based social revolution by opening a Lib Dem staffed animal shelter in Wokingham.