Dancing with the Stars Episode Recap: Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2012

Dancing with the Stars names the final three! Which two couples fell one week short of Mirrorball glory? Plus: Paula Abdul's back — to perform!

I have no idea who's going. That's not true. I have no idea who's going out of the four couples not named Shawn and Derek. Apolo and Karina get the encore for their rumba. This either means they made the finals... or it's a farewell "thanks for playing" dance.

First safe couple:

Shawn and Derek

And the sky is blue. Obviously they had to be saved first. What suspense is there, pairing Shawn with someone? Except suspension of disbelief. Besides, Derek has his own showcase dance to get ready for. Priorities!

After performances by choreographer Parris Goebel, creator of polyswagg, and that other British boy band The Wanted, Apolo and Karina, and Melissa and Tony head to the Red Light of Doom. One of them has the lowest combined scores and votes.

Next safe couple:

Melissa and Tony

That means Apolo and Karina are out.

"This competition was hard from the beginning," Apolo says. "[Karina's] taught me so much about myself. This show is amazing far beyond the Mirrorball trophy. ... It forces you to become a champion in your own right."

Excuse me while I crawl into fetal position and sob. I don't know if Apolo would've won next week, but he deserved to be in the final. He's been far and away the best male celeb dancer this entire season, and he's been screwed over and lowballed by the judges for weeks. Ironically, I think he was scored fairly Monday, but he landed right in the middle of the leader board and had one uneven routine, whose concept was ridiculous to begin with. So it's the producers' fault, duh!

On the other hand, congrats, judges! Your buffering of Melissa has paid off! Melissa is a great dancer, and I am happy for her and especially Tony. If you had predicted they would be one of the final three in July, go to Vegas now.

Leave it to Paula to cheer me up. Apparently she's been dying to do this "dream medley" forever. There's a bunch of super-imposed images, and it incorporates four of her hits — "Straight Up," "Cold Hearted," "Forever Your Girl" and "Opposites Attract" — and you must appreciate the fact that she doesn't even try to bother to hide the lip-synching. Dance-wise, Paula's still got it — enough to taunt a 2D Maks, Mark and MC Skat Kat! How soon before she's added as a fourth judge?

After Derek does his shirtless, slo-mo, splashy (literally) contemporary number with four ladies, Emmitt and Cheryl, and Kelly and Val hit the stage.

Page 2 of 2 - Next safe couple:

Kelly and Val

So Emmitt and Cheryl are also going home.

"It's been a tremendous experience," Emmitt says. "Cheryl has pushed me to another level. [This season] has pushed me to another level."

Somewhere, Drew and Gilles are whoopin' and hollering. I can't complain with Emmitt going. He hit a plateau somewhere around Week 3 and has been cruising on his overall nice guy-ness and charisma. Not even the promise of his five cute kiddies next week could save him! And if you had initially picked Kelly and Val for the final too, go to Vegas. Seriously.

So we have an all-female final! For the first time! Call me cynical, but this almost guarantees a Shawn win. Without a total "counter-programming" contender in the form of a guy, Melissa and Kelly will probably split the anti-Shawn votes.

The final will consist of a supersized freestyle, the couple's favorite dance from the season and an instant dance.

What do you think? Do you like the estrogen-laced final? Is this Shawn's to lose? Are you as bummed as I am that Apolo (and Emmitt) is out? Did you like seeing Paula and MC Skat Kat together again? Will Kelly and Val have a baby by the finale as they promised a few weeks ago? How naked will Val be by next week? Who's your pick to win?