Saturday, May 21, 2011

who do you think you are?

I'd just like to warn anyone who reads this post that it seeps very deep into the pit of my heart, my gut, and my soul. I've needed to get a lot of the following off of my chest for such a long time and I kept forgetting to do it. So, here it goes...

I think I have a problem. I'm always stressed out. I'm super moody. I feel disgusting. I've lost four pounds since I've been off of school, and I'm happy about that, because I've only been off school for four weeks. A pound a week is healthy and I should be happy but instead I'm not. Why? Well, because I'm retaining so much water, I feel so uncomfortable with myself, and whenever I go for a run or a long walk (and I try to do that every day) it literally feels like I'm being chased by my feelings and that if I don't walk faster or run harder I'm going to get swallowed up into this deep, dark hole called my unconscious mind.

I've concluded I feel this way because I don't have as much me time anymore. Last summer, I had the months of May and June to really focus on me. I lost ten pounds, got into shape, got a super nice tan, and really liked myself. It was the first time I could actually look in the mirror and say "Hey, you look good" and believe it. I had never felt like that before. And, I think it's gone.

It's depressing but it's the truth.

Part of the reason why I don't feel happy with myself is because I have become such an emotional eater, more than I already was. So, whenever I get in that, "Eugh this is so bad" mood, I eat. It has been happening less and less, and I'm happy about that, but when I do get in this emotional-eating-state, it's very hard to get out of it. I tell myself, "Stop eating that you're not hungry" but I physically cannot put down whatever it is I've decided to munch on. Like I said, this hasn't been happening as often, but when it does it feels like my emotions are eating me up. Pun intended.

I need me time. I really do. I mean, I haven't even been able to get through To Kill A Mockingbird and it's been sitting on my bedside table for weeks. That's not like me. I love reading...Or at least I used to.

And so, today I started my day with a book, sitting outside in the sunshine. Then I went for a walk to visit my grandmother. My little cousins happened to be there and they mean the world to me. They're simple, they laugh at everything, and they give me hugs all the time. We played soccer and ate some homemade pizza (thanks to my grandmother). Then I walked home and that leaves me here...Typing away.

I don't know what's going on with me. I hope whatever it is comes to an end quickly. I don't like the person I am when I feel this way.

Leviana,You are such a BEAUTIFUL girl I want you to know that AND always think that! I hope you find that me time you're so desperately seeking and things start to balance themselves out a wee bit. I KNOW the emotional eating thing too well, hit happens to me way too often when I'm in rez.

And by the way, I love how kids just seem to brighten our day. My niece is all of a month and old and no matter what she does she just puts me in an amazzzzinggg mood!