Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

Attachment Issues...

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. We were each other's first for everything. We're so in love, but we're both really attached. Since we first started dating, we've been inseperable. We don't do anything without each other, because if we do, it's like we're wasting precious time that we could be spending with each other. It doesn't help, also, that we're both INSANELY jealous of the opposite sex talking to each other. But I've lost so many friends...girls like hanging out with girls...meaning, I can't bring my boyfriend with me when my girlfriends want to go to the club, or just hang out...and I would be so sad if I had to spend one night away from Chris, instead of doing the same old stuff we do every day. It sounds so pathetic, I know...but my dad was never around when I was little, and eventually left when I was ten...so I guess I'm just scared of people leaving me or something. Does anybody have advice on how to slowly pull ourselves away from each other, so we can at least have enough time to spend with our friends without each other?

First, you need to stop thinking about it as &quot;pulling away&quot;. You aren't pulling away from each other if you spend time with friends and family. You are going to smother each other if you spend every minute together.

I know what its like to lose friends like that, because I did the same thing with my ex; I haven't talked to any of my friends from high school for over 4 years because of it.

Anyway, I think it's healthy to spend time alone or with other friends for BOTH of you, or in time, one may come to resent the other. This is what happened with my ex and myself. We spent so much time together, that when he went away to school we were unable to function. Then, when he did start making friends, I was jealous and didn't want him to go have fun, although he urged me to have fun at my school. Eventually it became a constant argument, and over a year or so we just drifted very far apart.

Basically, instead of maintaining a healthy distance at times, we created a void of anger and bitterness that neither of us could pull back from. When we broke up, I had no friends to lean on for support...it was a really rough time in my life, because he was the only friend that I really had, and once I lost him I didn't know what to do.

I feel like if we had just given eachother some space once in awhile, things might have turned out a little differently. Also, jealousy is just BAD in a relationship. If you've been together 5 years and are still jealous like that, then there are some serious communication issues that need to be addressed. If you don't trust him, and he doesn't trust you, what is there?

I know about the abandonment thing; my dad left when I was little and I always took that fear out on my ex. Sweetie, trust me when I say, and listen good, DONT! It's not his fault. Please, please go get counseling for it, or it will continue to affect your life and relationship negatively.
You can also bring up your relationship issues in counseling, and learn to set healthy boundaries, like maybe setting aside one night every other week for just a girls night or something.

WONDERFUL REPLIES, TO THE BOTH OF YOU! Thank you so much!! And you're right...even like one night a week with just his guys, and my girls...that would be great, even for a start. I do trust my boyfriend...but I don't trust other girls...and if there isn't anything going on between him and another girl, I still get super jealous. But you're right, counseling is probably the best choice...my jealousy issues are insane. I've come close to suicide because of it.

Yep, I've BTDT with jelousy, and it's not fun! Sitting at home sick to my stomach that some slutty girl is seducing him...my panic attacks started because of it! No fun. Counseling helped me immensely, and now I won't make those mistakes again!

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