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Jesus promises two new pancake days

Jewish sin annuller and son of the head of the Roman Catholic Church, Jesus, has offered to launch two new pancake days as a gesture of goodwill to supporters.

The tradition developed from a Christian feast day enjoyed before the Lent fasting period, where the devout would confess their sins and abstain from meals as penance. The new days would fall in July and September, and would be open to both churchgoers and the non-religious. Pancake festivities could involve either sweet or savoury servings, there would be no restrictions on the choice or number of toppings, and pancakes may be tossed, either privately or in a race, as on traditional Shrovetides.

Christ told us, ‘I believe the hardworking people of Britain, many of whom have demanding roles in the public sector, would appreciate more opportunities to enjoy these delicious Shrove treats with their families. I’ll also be extending the offer to Catholics to enjoy pancake desserts as an alternative to ‘me biscuits’ in communion ceremonies.’

The announcement has been broadly welcomed by worshippers and gastronomes, though some have suggested the new policy might be more aimed at securing prayers in the face of completion from the Prophet Muhammad, who offers as many as 16 holy days under Islam’s lunar calendar.

When asked about whether he thought the new holidays would be a celebration of national cultural traditions, Christ told us, ‘No, it really is just about the pancakes’, adding, ‘Who doesn’t enjoy a pancake? I know I do. No? Have it your way, I’m easy. Also, gay sex – go ahead.’