WETIN CONCERN SCOTLAND WITH NAIJAS IN JAND? by Ruona Agbroko Meyer

Do you know what the Scottish referendum vote means for Nigerians in Jand? Ok, hold on.

Ehen, so….a Doro Big Boy like you does not even know what the Scottish referendum is? It is well…

At least you know we are living in what is called the United Kingdom? Good. The koko is that the UK is made up of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and Great Britain is made up of England, Wales and Scotland.

So, basically, today, as you are reading this, Scotland is doing what we did in 1958; voting for their Independence. They are asking the people: “Should Scotland be an Independent Country?” and the vote is either YES or NO.

Pay attention, because Nigerians like you in Naija will be on Twitter calling GEJ clueless, meanwhile you have no idea what is going on in the country you ran to.

Worse is that some of you are tweeting about the coins in that jet from the very Scotland! Abeg, leave Pastor O-Bling-tsejafor and face ya work. I am now going to tell you what a vote for Independence for Scotland means for all of us immigrants in Jand and also for those of you in Naija hoping to fall into Scotland.

Everyone, here’s what you should do, IF Scotland votes YES for Independence:

START DANCING

Yes, you heard me right. Dia ris God in everything we do, and that God is now operating in Scotland. Oh yes. Scotland needs almost 500,000 migrants over the next 20 years to achieve the same balance of pensioners and working-age adults as the UK, and they will do anything for priceless migrants such as your self. Yes, you Kola!

Do you remember that post-study work visa levels? The one that meant that if you managed to scrape money, sprinkled anointing oil on top your visa form and did a Masters in any UK university, then after borrowing £800 to put into your account and show the embassy, you could get a 2-year stay to work, flex and possibly definitely marry a citizen? Yes…that same visa that the UK scrapped ehn, Scotland has said that they will re-introduce it!

That’s not all, the Scottish government have even said they will lower the requirements for living costs so shayo na bastard and visa na waterrr! For those of you still in Naija I suggest you follow the news and once they announce later today, I mean once you hear that they have voted YES, start saving those coins and looking at doing your Masters in a Scottish university because na who first enter traffic jam dey first reach house o!

START PREPARING FOR THE ASYLUM HUSTLE

Those of you already in Scotland as an osanle do not despair; an Independent Scotland will mean that you can get away with lying that you are being persecuted by your dead father’s non-existent family for not being a Christian. Yes, you can now be sure that once you say you are gay, you will be stoned—not with a jail sentence but with a lush passport because an Independent Scotland will have a Scottish Asylum Agency to oversee asylum applications in a process that is “robust and humane.” And those of you who don’t use the asylum route but prefer the reproductive organ visa route also have benefits; you will get a lot more free childcare hours for starters so…START DANCING!

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

If Scotland becomes independent, then there are many things that will change and not change, like the fact that you will still be able to move freely and enter London as you like. Have no fear, because you will also be able to continue using half your salary to play the National Lottery in Scotland. But there is the small matter of crude oil.

As the saying goes for politicians and countries – what oil has joined together let more oil put asunder.

Oil is part of why Scotland is behaving like a wayward ungrateful teenager and wants to leave the village for Lagos where she can floss.

The Scottish politicians have accused the central UK government in Westminster of squandering their oil wealth, and blowing it on benefits for people left unemployed by their own successive governments. They say they want to be independent, and invest the money in a sovereign wealth fund. Meanwhile, those against Scotland’s independence have accused Scottish politicians of inflating oil income just to make people vote YES. They are saying that “Independence is forever, oil is not.”

But wetin concern you with how oyinbo dey run their country? Your own is to keep calm and carry on. Don’t bother changing your modus operandi because either way, oil workers will remain as sought-after as they currently are in Scotland, just like politicians in Abuja, regardless of their physical features. So don’t change, ojare: keep on being an oil worker, studying to be an oil worker, working to marry an oil worker (for paper) or working by stripping in clubs in Glasgow and Aberdeen for oil workers. God bless your hustle!

PLEAD THE #blurrofjizoz

If the vote is YES, then you can expect the ATMs in Scotland to be filled with people withdrawing their Sterling notes because nobody is sure what plans for currency the Scottish government has. This is why the banks were quietly moving Pounds to Scotland in the days up to today’s vote. Already, it is difficult to spend the Scottish Pound, and you find vendors in London refusing to collect it from you, quite like how all these Mallams that change money refuse to collect old Dollar notes without grumbling in Hausa. If Scotland tears away then a lot of big-big grammar like Currency Union and Sterlingization is being thrown all around. I suggest you put up the standard Naija response when faced with stuff we cannot understand: declare 40 days of fasting and prayer. Because the current Scottish government has said that a referendum is a once-in-a-generation opportunity, here is a summary to pray for right now as the votes are being counted:

Pray hard for Scotland to vote YES if you want to live/work/seek asylum there

Pray hard for Scotland to vote NO if you don’t want all your relatives to ask you to invite them to live/work/seek asylum here.

Pray hard for Scotland to vote YES or NO depending on the bet you placed. Don’t laugh, up to £50million worth of bets have been made at betting agents.

Pray hard for me to find this damned crowbar. So I can pry my tongue from my cheek