The Most Horrible Fanfiction Ever Penned

Barracks

Hello Patrons, and welcome to the Barracks. You may be wondering what this little corner of the Library is for.

Well, you have probably noticed all the things that frequently make appearances throughout the various riffs. And because of that, we thought of giving them a place to stay. So here they shall stay when they’re not being actively featured.

Think of this as a reference sheet for anyone who doesn’t want to read over a thousand archived posts and the accompanying comments in order to know what is going on with the Library’s cast of supporting characters, weapons, and in-jokes.

Interns

Over the years you may have noticed that the Librarians have picked up a compliment of minions, cronies, pets, and Dark Overlords who occasionally assist with fics, or just pull their weight by doing any number of little odd-jobs around the Library. This page is a listing of every permanent helper in the Library.

Crunchy:Species: RaptorGender: MaleVocation: Retired Sith LordAcquired From: Inspired by Jedi’s Destiny, but is an original characterFirst Appearance in the Library:417: Back Home AgainSponsor: TacoMagicFriends: Herr WozzeckBiography:

Originally plucked from a planet filled to the brim with force-sensitive dinosaurs by the Sith, Crunchy quickly mastered the ways of the force, completed his apprenticeship, and rose through the ranks of the Sith. Not much is known about this period of his life other than it was spent in the wholesome pursuit of evil. At some point during Crunchy’s reign of tyranny, he fell through a conveniently placed portal and ended up in modern era Earth. Strapped for cash and unsure what to do with himself in this strange new world, he took up a job where he could exercise his talents to their fullest: Killing DRD agents.

From his humble re-beginnings, he has ascended through the ranks of Taco’s minions to become a snarking assistant, and has assisted with, and completely taken-over, riffing a large number of fics. His longest stint in riffing was during Raptor and I, where his knowledge of the source material proved invaluable insights. During this riffing many little nuggets of his past were revealed, which include him being the runt of the litter, his mother trying to kill him on a daily basis, drinking coffee for daily roughage, and so forth. It should be noted that many of these little revelations were likely made up just to disturb and confuse Taco.

Crunchy is also head of the Darkwraiths, a crew of undead soldiers who were drafted from the Dark Souls games. These Darkwraiths handle many of the more menial tasks of the library. See the section on Darkwraiths for more specific details.

In the comments Crunchy occasionally appears to mix things up. In one string of appearances, he developed the Stu Ring which formed the Stu Lantern Corps. After being rejected by the ring, he gave it to his apprentice Markus. Following the creation of the Stu Ring, Crunchy formed the Brown Awesome McEvil Ring and the Awesome McEvil corps. After several weeks of shenanigans, Crunchy was rejected by the ring when, in a moment of weakness, he acted somewhat heroically to save Eliza.

With his primary apprentice stolen away by the Stu Corps, Crunchy has since endeavored to fill the void with new apprentices, most of them failing for one reason or another.

In his spare time, Crunchy typically can be found either in the kitchen making cookies from whatever herbivores are laying around, down on level 47 playing with the arsenal, or bothering Taco as he tries to riff.

Supplement:

Crunchy’s name actually came from a long standing tradition Taco has of naming the horses in the Harvest Moon games “Crunchy.” It’s something Taco has done since the first Harvest Moon was published in 1996. It is unknown why the same name was given to Crunchy, probably a result of too much or too little coffee. Additionally, Crunchy’s personality is actually based loosely on Helmbot, a wacky, pseudo-evil robot from a sprite-based web comic Taco made in the early 2000s. Finally, aside from a few slip-ups, Crunchy does not use contractions and tends to use formal English with as few colloquialisms as possible. Earlier works featuring Crunchy were a lot less consistent with this. He also never uses profanity. Despite the more generic term of “Raptor” applied to Crunchy, he has been referenced a few times as specifically being a Utah Raptor.

Eliza:Species: RaptorGender: FemaleVocation: Battle Mech PilotAcquired From: Raptor and IFirst Appearance in the Library: In her current form, she was first rescued in 672: Raptor and I – Chapter Twenty-ThreeSponsor: TacoMagicFriends: Pretty much everyoneBiography:

Eliza was originally the forced and informed antagonist in Raptor and I and was the very first character rescue for the library. In the fic, she was typically the only raptor with any amount of common sense, constantly questioning Rae’s presence in the pack and pointing out that Rae sucked at survival and should not be allowed on hunts on the like. Eliza was rescued by a Darkwraith dive team following a scene where she fell into a giant sink-hole. However, after it was discovered that Eliza was supposed to survive that fall, Taco tried to put her back into the fic. In order to prevent this, Crunchy utilized his mastery of the respawn points to clone Eliza. Unfortunately the cloning process was imperfect, and the clone turned out to be a raging Awesome McEvil, which was reflected in a huge shift in her character within the fic.

Following this cloning incident, Eliza took on the persona of her fictitious twin sister “Eliztha.” Which fooled nobody. This eventually backfired a bit on Crunchy, as saving Eliza turned out to be the act of heroism that caused the Brown Ring to reject him.

Since then Eliza has been a pretty constant presence in the Library, being referenced by several of the Librarians and appearing as both an extra and a co-pilot in many riffs. Her personality is one of the most positive and gregarious of the interns, aside from maybe Gumdrop. This has lead to her filling the role of big sister to a large portion of the bunker’s denizens. Despite her friendly personality, she has shown herself to be more than capable of slaughtering DRD agents with a wide range of war mechs and armslaves, as well as with more conventional weapons, like the gong launcher. Because of this affinity for technology, she has largely taken over the role of managing the armaments for defending Taco’s riffs from the DRD. Also, due to treating the Darkwraiths with kindness, they tend to view her as their leader despite their contractual allegiance to Crunchy. Eliza is often seen leading teams of Darkwraiths in doing everything from breaking DRD assaults to distributing cupcakes to the patrons and staff of the Library.

Her relationship to Taco has been a rocky one. Once the euphoria of escaping the fic wore off, she found herself rather upset that Taco tried to put her back into Raptor and I. This lead to the mini-feud where she utilized a wide range of nut-based pies on Taco to show her resentment. It took quite a while for Taco to catch on, but eventually, in Life with Raptors, they mended things when Taco apologized. Despite her assertion that she’d continue to pelt him with pies, the number of pies flying in Taco’s direction has dropped off significantly since then.

In riffing she tries to set aside her natural tendency toward positive thinking and giving people the benefit of the doubt in favor of being more snarky, but is not always successful.

While initially one of Crunchy’s apprentices, the evil life just wasn’t for her, so Eliza has since broken away form the Sith and is pursuing her own interests, which involve war mechs, unicorns, and weaponized glitter. Despite some suggestions that Eliza and Crunchy might have had a thing for each other, the combination of Crunchy’s asexuality and Eliza’s extremely high standards means there will never be more than sibling affection between the two. Crunchy said as much in the comments when he was asked whether there was anything going on between the two.

Supplement:

Eliza was actually a silent character for several episodes, but it was reveled in the final installment of Raptor and I that she could actually talk the entire time. This revelation was actually created due to ZincRae’s inability to keep to her formatting choices, which would often indicate that the Raptors were speaking English rather than raptor. Unlike Crunchy, her speech pattern is far less formal and utilizes both contractions and colloquialisms. As a rule she tends not to use profanity, but has on occasion, such as the first line she said when it was revealed she could speak English. Her abilities in combat, piloting, and leadership as well as the complete lack of ability in the kitchen were a specific choice to be a juxtaposition of gender stereotyping. Despite originally being a velociraptor in the fic, Eliza has since been referenced a few times as actually being a Utah Raptor, primarily because the taxonomy is closer to the Hollywood velociraptors than actual velociraptors are.

Swenia:Species: Anthropomorphic LionGender: FemaleVocations: Pride Matriarch, Mother, and Soldier.Acquired From: A Jedi’s DestinyFirst Appearance in the Library: She first appeared briefly when rescued from a prison transport by Eliza in 802: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Twelve.Sponsor: TacoMagicFriends: TacoMagic, Herr Wozzeck, Crunchy, and Eliza.Biography:

Swenia’s part in Jedi’s Destiny was brief but memorable in that she was the only character to openly defy Buster for all the right reasons. In this case, Buster had just insisted she be forcibly removed from her mixed-race relationship and be mated to a lion in the name of racial purity. When she stood up to Buster he overpowered her, then, after she was subdued, assaulted her and sent her off to a labor camp. Thanks to the quick actions of Eliza and her Darkwraith literary dive team, that transport was intercepted and Swenia was successfully extracted.

Swenia’s first appearance as an intern happened the very next chapter where she appeared in her comfy chair in the corner by the door, though she only had one line in that chapter. She joined a more active roll as a co-riffer in 815, though she still refused to leave the chair, making excuses that it was comfortable, had good back support, and that she was too “tuckered out” to get up. In the following episode she gave birth to her son, Jiwe.

Though ostensibly a single mother, it’s pretty well understood that it takes a whole bunker to raise a child, so Swenia gets a lot of help from the other denizens of the library, most specifically from Eliza who does quite a bit of the babysitting. She considers herself fully divorced from Radon and has sole custody of their child, primarily because Radon is still trapped in the fic with no way to escape.

She enjoys telling stories of her time in the academy, specifically stories that revolve around her sexual promiscuity during heat season. These seem mostly aimed at making Taco squirm and may or may not be true. This same promiscuity was blamed for her hooking up with Radon, which serves as some evidence that her academy stories may have more than a little truth to them.

She is secretly force sensitive as part of the lions’ Jedi heritage from the fic, but choses not to develop those powers due to not wanting to be bothered by Crunchy. By extension, it is highly likely that Jiwe is able to use the force too.

Supplement:

Originally she was going to be renamed to either Shupavu, which is Swahili for strength, or Heshima, which is Swahili for nobility/dignity. However, the possibility that this might obfuscate her origin from Jedi’s Destiny eventually ended with her name remaining Swenia. While the “comfortable chair” bit that started in episode 808 and expanded in 815 was originally only developed as foreshadowing for her pregnancy, it was kept as part of her character because it also resonates rather well with her feline nature. Swenia is the only one of Taco’s characters who regularly uses profanity, which she applies liberally.

Gumdrop is a seven ton carnivore standing two meters tall at the shoulder with an adamantium constitution, able to survive everything the Librarians and the DRD have thrown at him up to and including a nuclear blast. His invulnerability has left him with a unique trait; he is completely oblivious to any attacks upon his person, and considers even the most aggressive assault as “playing.” However, any attack will immediately arouse the ire of Gumdrop’s sponsor, Ghostie, who is quick to defend her “baby.”

The tyrannosaur was originally part of the Library’s security team before being adopted by Ghostie and still pursues the DRD agents with great enthusiasm. Initially a silent participant, he was upgraded from a pet to full-fledged minion status once it was revealed that he was more than a mindless eating machine. He is affectionately called “Dragon-kun” by the Library ninjas, who are tasked with his daily care.

He is very young despite his size, and has a child-like enthusiasm – especially where his favorite “tangy dessert,” key lime pie, is involved. This has led to hostilities between Herr Wozzeck and Gumdrop as Herr W. is forced to use stronger and stronger methods to protect his precious pie vault. Unfortunately, Gumdrop is also lactose intolerant and any dairy product he ingests triggers an epic gastric upset.

Gumdrop enjoys dressing up in cosplay outfits, claiming they make him feel “pretty,” and is fascinated by shiny things. Among his many accessories and outfits is a full set of Dino Rider gear complete with head-mounted laser cannons, a pink mohair sweater set and poodle skirt, and a handsome monocle.

He has difficultly paying attention at times as he is easily distracted, and rarely remembers proper names correctly – instead he gives descriptive nicknames to people. Pronouns give him headaches so he doesn’t use them.

Gumdrop is an accomplished cook and baker, whipping up tasty treats featuring a variety of unusual (and often unpalatable) ingredients. His definition of “food” is extremely broad, and he will often snack on walls, furniture, and doors as well as the occasional Darkwraith.

Supplement:

Many of Gumdrop’s traits are loosely based on those of Ghostie’s pet cats, with a little bit of eager puppy thrown in and scaled up to tyrannosaur size. Gumdrop is also the most widely used of the interns, having been written into stories featured by four of the current librarians.

Ishi:
Species: HumanGender: MaleVocation: Chief Physician and Head Alchemist of Untraceable Poisons of the Bataa no NinjaAcquired From: Original characterFirst Appearance in the Library: 709: The Animagus Predator – Chapter 5, Part 1Sponsor: GhostcatFriends: KooriBiography:

He was born in the sixth year of Bunsei, on the fifth day of the Month of Falling Leaves (August 10th, 1823) to the prominent Renkinjutsushi family. His full name is Renkinjutsushi Niseishi, but prefers to be called Ishi. Trained in the most ancient and obscure medical arts, Ishi-sensei is the Library’s resident medical doctor but his skills are often … questionable as he prefers to use very unorthodox methods. He has an unhealthy fondness for leeches, using them to cure everything from hangnails to dismemberment. Like all of the clan, he is obsessed with dairy products and can often be bribed with them to help out with tasks around the Library.

Ishi-sensei is the curator of the clan’s many anatomical collections, cataloging vast numbers of organs, limbs, and assorted spare parts for use in various tasks. He is always looking to expand the collections and will “borrow” items from other sources to do so.

The doctor is often called upon to treat Gumdrop, who tends to get bits of bone from the Darkwraiths and other unsavory items stuck in his teeth. Ishi is called “Itchy” by the tyrannosaur.

Ishi is a master of Chart/Space, and can produce charts and documents on any subject – no matter how obscure – from thin air at a moment’s notice. It is unknown if all members of the clan have this same ability. He can also travel silently, appearing out of the shadows and vanishing at will by manipulating the no-ma, the between-spaces.

Sensei’s appearance is largely a mystery; as is the custom in his clan, Ishi is shrouded in loose, black clothing with a mask and a deep hood, with full armor (acquired from the Oni of the Shrieking Wood and beautifully enameled) under his garments. His only distinguishing feature is that he carries a stethoscope around his neck. He is married to Kanai-san, a female ninja with a fierce tsundere personality, whom he loves dearly and fears greatly.

As a doctor and occasional companion to the Librarians, Ishi occupies a position of respect within his clan, but he fears the enigmatic Shinobi’s wrath and thus tries to stay on his fellow clan member’s good side. This is primarily due to sensei’s habit of reading Shinobi’s prized yaoi manga before the other ninja can, which leads to conflict.

Always mindful of his position, he strives to maintain a formal tone but is not always successful as his growing familiarity with the Librarians has led to a relaxing of his language. Ishi is extremely polite, always using honorifics with the Librarians, Patrons, and characters that he meets. He rarely loses his temper unless a character has acted dishonorably.

He is largely ignorant of the Outside World, having little exposure to it beyond fanfics, but is a fount of knowledge regarding the strange practices of his clan such as the clan’s version of Christmas. They call it Batā no Yoru or Night of Butter, it is the night the great demon Sato-San descends upon the ninja compound and must be appeased with ritual offerings of dairy goods and the sacrificial burning of several festively decorated evergreen trees. If Sato-San is pleased he will leave gifts hidden around the compound, but if he is angered he will curse all the ninjas so that they become lactose intolerant.

Supplement:

Ishi-sensei grew from a throw-away character appearing in the comments section to a full-fledged minion in part due to Ghostie’s growing love of Japanese language and culture, and in part to give Ghostie someone besides Gumdrop to talk to during riffs. Some of his mannerisms are drawn from Japanese culture, such as his habit of constantly apologizing before speaking, but most are entirely fictional. Ishi’s name is based on the Japanese word for doctor.

Very little is known about the ninja called Shinobi, who prefers to remain in the shadows and whisper into Ghostie’s ear. Small and slight, they wear the same all-black clothing and beautifully enameled armor as the rest of the clan but sport a red pendant that denotes their position as liaison.

Shinobi is a fan of yaoi manga and has an astonishing collection of volumes hidden beneath their bed. On occasion the ninja reads these to Gumdrop, who enjoys seeing the pictures of the “pretty boys hugging.”

Despite using the term for a male ninja as their name, Shinobi’s true gender remains unknown. Shinobi was at first a nameless presence, later adopting the name given to them by Ghostie for their personal use. It is not even known if the current “Shinobi” is the original or if there has been more than one. Any questions asked regarding the ninja’s gender or standing within the clan are politely ignored by Shinobi and the other ninjas.

The ninja is fiercely loyal to the clan and Ghostie, who delivers instructions and orders to the clan through Shinobi. They are also very fond of Gumdrop (who refers to the ninja as “Shiny Bee” and “scary little friend”), Crunchy, and Eliza.

Despite their silence, Shinobi is definitely a force that commands respect; even invoking the name “Shinobi-san” is often enough to subdue an unruly ninja or tyrannosaur.

Like all of the clan, Shinobi lives in the ninja compound deep within the depths of the Library. Their current residence is a modest room in a dormitory used by unmarried ninjas of both sexes.

Shinobi appears most often in a supporting role, running errands for the Librarians and coordinating the activities of the clan such as bolt-taping Taco to various objects. In the ninja’s only “speaking” appearance, their words were translated by Gumdrop and via the riffing console. Shinobi’s speech patterns are very formal and restrained as the ninja is uncomfortable speaking to more than one person.

Specs:Species: Reborn ImmortalGender: MaleVocation: Ex-MercenaryAquired From: Original CharacterFirst Appearance in the Library:641: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored – Chapter One, Part OneSponsor: SCFriends: Bifocals (who not-so-secretly has a crush on him that he fails to pick up on), Glasses, Shades, Contacts, Book Specs, SC, has the grudging respect of Sports Shades and Monocle though they’ll never admit it to his face, and is at least on good terms with the Ninjas if not outright friends with some of them.

Biography:

Specs (originally known by his full title, Specs of Acre, circa 1194 BC) was born the son of a knight and a maiden during the Third Crusade in the city of Acre, Israel, after it had fallen to King Richard the Lionheart. Specs was originally going to be sent off for training himself, but lost the chance when his father and mother both died from a plague while he was still very young. Specs was orphaned on the streets of Acre until his thirteenth birthday, when he scrounged up enough money to put himself through an apprenticeship with a blacksmith. Not long after, he caught the eye of an aged but wise Knight Hospitaller who had retired from service. The knight took Specs in as his student, and put him through intense training in martial arts, swordplay and battlefield tactics, until he passed away from natural causes on Specs’ seventeenth birthday. Specs decided to pursue the life of a swordsman, but didn’t wish to be tied down by service to the king, so he left Acre behind and tracked down a mercenary band to prove his worth. He participated in some of the most high-risk jobs of his time over the next few years, growing from the bottom rung as a grunt to the second-in-command and tactician of the company, before finally retiring from the group to run solo. By his twenty-second birthday, he was so valued by so many that there wasn’t a day where he wasn’t being hired by clients and hunted down by assassins and bounty hunters, up until he met a fellow mercenary known as The Headsman on the battlefield, who finally ended his career by beheading him.

Specs awoke in the twenty-first century in SC’s care, where he learned that he was an Immortal, and his First Death had activated hidden powers he had never before possessed, his favorite being the ability to use his memory as storage space for any amount of items. However, the cost of this particular power was that all his acquired genius was locked away for as long as he carried items in his memory… and unfortunately, Specs really likes swords. The results are rather predictable. Furthermore, he learned that he was soulbound to SC, which meant that his immortality was limitless so long as SC was alive to anchor his soul to the living realm. And thankfully, even when SC gets killed, there’s always some circumstance that revives him, so Specs is never really in any danger.

For a while, Specs was just a cool, if stupid, buddy of SC’s, until more of the group who would come to be known as the Co. began to show up, at which point he became another cog in a dangerous machine of idiocy. After that, Specs noticed SC’s interest in riffing, and offered to sit in with him. SC let him prove his mettle to the Library during the first chapter of Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, where the two managed to stomach the idiocy of the first chapter – if only just. Specs has become a permanent riffing buddy ever since.

Specs frequently appears in the comments of riffs, primarily as an unfortunate victim of shenanigans, but sometimes providing another voice to the conversation. Often, he interacts with other minions and interns, and sometimes other riffers. Though he collects a wide variety of swords at any one time, only one sword stands out as his own – dubbed the Kewl Sward, which is an obvious phonetic misspelling of Cool Sword, it was the very last weapon Specs forged as an apprentice blacksmith. He proudly carries this sword with him wherever he goes, and becomes intensely violent towards those who touch it without his permission. Unfortunately, and to Specs’ dismay, SC is incapable of showing the sword off visually, because none of the avatar-making sites SC has used have such an item.

Supplement:

During a period where SC was moving residences, he got bored and found some free time to doodle a picture of what he imagined himself looking like with a sword. Specs was the result, and his character grew from there, as did the rest of the Co. Specs’ name comes from a popular slang term for spectacles. SC purposely named the entire Specs and Co. after sight-enhancement devices because he thinks glasses are cool.

Book Specs was the prodigal son of a Sage and a Sorceress, and quickly began to master arcane studies that most magi of his time struggled mightily to understand the bare basics of. His proficiency was quickly noticed, and he was accepted into one of the most prestigious magic academies in the land. In just his first three years alone, Book Specs received the highest marks of almost any other student who entered the academy, and was even moved up three classes to the Wizard Grade, taught exclusively by the four Headmasters themselves. The rest of his school career followed this wildly successful trend, and soon after graduation, he was directly involved in preventing an assassination attempt against the king of his homeland, thereby landing himself the position of Court Wizard.

Over the next few years, Book Specs’ accomplishments awarded him titles up to that of Grand Royal Archmage, and he partook in the creation of many, many powerful spells that would later see their way to the tomes of students who showed as much potential as himself. When warfare struck his home, it was oftentimes Book Specs’ quick thinking and use of overwhelmingly powerful magic that spurred the king’s men to victory when defeat was all but certain.

In short: Book Specs was dangerous. Incredibly so. In fact, he was so dangerous that the king of an allied land, fearing his allies had grown too strong, secretly ordered a team of professional assassin magi to wipe out the entire royal court.

On a moonless night, the castle was set upon by the assassins, who had managed to cloak themselves from Book Specs’ arcane senses, and the royal family came under attack. Book Specs held out valiantly against the attackers, and most of them fell long before they got to the throne room – But three managed to break through. And one was able to successfully detonate an arcane bomb at Book Specs’ feet, killing him and the royal family instantly.

Book Specs awoke in the twenty-first century on Earth, now a Reborn Immortal, and discovered that he possessed a deadly new power: Where most mages of his world were rendered immobile for long periods of time in order to cast their spells, Book Specs could now move freely and instantly call forth incantations that were normally quite lengthy. He also acquired a basic grasp of swordsmanship by way of Specs attempting to teach him, but he never sought to pursue it. He carries a sword anyhow, though, because Specs once saved his life with a sword, after magic had failed to do the job.

SC quickly came to rely on Book Specs in order to keep Specs in line, and Book Specs took to this task with gusto – more so when the rest of the Co. showed up. Book Specs chose early on to speak as little as possible, as he felt his words would be wasted on the fools he now resides with, and developed a means of communication, wherein he adjusts his glasses with certain facial expressions in order to relay his thoughts. When he feels disciplinary action is in order, he will take his cherished staff and cave in the skulls of the offending idiot(s) with it until they get the message. Book Specs is loathe to involve himself in the chicanery of his peers, and so is rarely seen unless he happens to be in the room with the rest of the Co. Due to their shared genius, Book Specs and Bifocals frequently collaborate with each other – although, Book Specs has come to fear the machinations Bifocals creates.

Book Specs has been present for a total of two riffs presently, and it is quite difficult to convince him to participate. However, he does sometimes appear as a background character in other riffs, and frequently comments on SC’s riffs via editor tags. He actively tries to avoid Glasses and Syl, who both have unhealthy, stalker-ish obsessions with him. Out of all the members of the Co., Book Specs is the least likely to die (although it has happened on a few unfortunate occasions), and where most of the Co. is indiscriminately subject to the abuses of the ninjas, Book Specs appears to command some form of respect from them – or at least he does with Ishi. Really, it’s hard to tell with the ninjas.

Supplement:

Like with Specs, Book Specs was born of a moment of boredom, when SC decided to see what he would look like as a mage. Because of this, Book Specs and Specs are very similar in appearance, save for their respective glasses, preferred methods of combat, and attitudes. Oh, and they wear different clothing, too.

Book Specs was named from a slang term for reading glasses. This has translated into Book Specs always having a satchel of thick spell tomes at his side, and his nose buried in at least one of them. His attitude is also brought on from this, as there exists a stereotype which says that bookworms are assholes.

Contacts was orphaned at birth by his parents, whether due to neglect or because they died when he was young, and was taken in and raised by an orphanage. The children there have him his name because he used contact lenses to see properly, as his eyesight was weak, but he thought glasses were too nerdy. When he was seven, he tried to snag a coin purse off of someone’s belt, but was caught in the act. As reparation, Contacts was forced into labor as the chore boy and lookout for the man’s shop, which was actually a front for what went on outside of public view – turns out, the man was a fence. And when he wasn’t buying stolen goods off of his thieving clientele, he was quietly teaching Contacts how to do some stealing of his own, so that if Contacts ever tried to do it again, he’d have better odds of success. This was a blessing in disguise for Contacts, as one day, whilst practicing his lockpicking, The Master – the most talented thief in the business – took a liking to the boy, and traded coin for Contacts’ life in order to personally train him as a successor to the Master title.

For a number of years, Contacts was honed into one of the best thieves around, right up until the Master dumped him on his ass to fend for himself. A few months down the line, Contacts crossed paths with a group of highly feared assassins known as the Shadowstriders, who bestowed knowledge of their abilities upon him. The intent was to indoctrinate him into their ranks, but he instead used their powers to further his thieving career. Of course, Contacts, being the idiot he is, went and bragged about his newfound talents to anybody who would listen. This didn’t sit well with the Shadowstriders, who hired none other than the Master to hunt Contacts down and bring him to them.

Whatever happened to Contacts, it ended up killing him, and when he awoke in SC’s world as a Reborn Immortal, he vowed never to speak of his powers again – at least, not without being absolutely sure that whoever he told could keep a secret. Since then, however, Contacts has gone right back to his thieving ways, even recruiting Specs and Shades to help. He managed to convince Bifocals to grudgingly build a Treasury room in SC’s house to store his lifted prizes, as well as a complex monitoring system to help him keep tabs on many, many overseas bank accounts, law enforcement movements, and potential jobs.

Contacts shows up fairly frequently in SC’s riffs, and is the most likely to be killed out of the entire Co. – usually by the others in the Co., ironically. He is incredibly acrobatic, a skilled archer, and can handle guns and knives proficiently, but having to fight at close range is usually his downfall. Contacts is highly knowledgeable about the oddest things, such as how bricks are made, which he claims is necessary for him to know in order to be a good thief. As he is highly active, Contacts almost always has a tale of thieving adventure to relate to what’s happening in a riff – one of his favorites being when he accidentally became a pirate captain for six months after trying to steal a pirate ship without realizing the crew was still onboard. Yes, that tale ended in mutiny, but it was still very profitable for him!

Supplement:

Contacts was originally intended to be a sort of Draco Malfoy figure in the Specs and Co., hence why so few of them like him. He became a thief after SC got on a heist story kick, and since then has evolved into a knockoff of the Uncharted series’ protagonist, Francis Drake, with shades of Green Arrow and Ezio Auditore.

Koori Umino:Species: HumanGender: FemaleVocation: Chunin shinobiAcquired From: OC from Lyle’s KakaIru slash ficFirst Appearance in the Library:Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter Five, Part TwoSponsor: LyleFriends: Lyle, Ishi-sensei, Bartolomé the Jumping SharkBiography:Koori is a sixteen-year-old ninja from the Naruto-verse. She’s an original character pulled in from Lyle’s Kakashi/Iruka slash fanfic and the adopted daughter of Iruka, although they are actually distant blood relatives (she is Iruka’s grandfather’s brother’s granddaughter… so his second or third cousin??) She was born a bastard so the family hid her away as an indentured servant until Iruka found and freed her during a mission.

Appearance-wise, she is of medium height and slim build. Her hair is shoulder-blade length and brown with a few streaks of white mixed in, premature graying from living a stressful life. Her eyes are light brown. She usually wears a standard-issue Konoha ninja uniform of blue pants, blue shirt, and green flac-jacket, fingerless gloves, ankle wraps, shinobi sandals, and her hitai-ate (forehead protector), the last of which she places on her head in standard shinobi position. Her hair is typically in a high ponytail. One of her signature weapons is the ice-senbon, which she uses to calm Lyle down by stabbing it into pressure points that knock the Librarian unconscious.

Her intern duties include riffing with Lyle, handling DRD invasions, and making tea. She also trains the Jumping Shark and has been learning leech husbandry from Ishi-sensei. Although she is often found in the Barracks between riffs, she actually stays with the resident ninja clan to foster good relations between them and her own ninja village.

Supplement

She was originally only staying for one riff of the fic Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution but decided she liked hanging around the Library and signed up to be an intern, against Lyle’s will. Now she’s the Library’s designated shark trainer, taking care of Bartolomé the Jumping Shark. She feeds him, cleans his tank, and teaches him new tricks. She’s the only person he won’t eat, although she’s trying to teach him to stop eating Herr when he falls in.

Syl is an old friend of Kanai-san, whom she affectionately calls Kanna, who was asked to lend a hand and consult with Ghostie during a pirate-themed fic. She hails from an alternate universe with strong steampunk elements and works as a navigatrix on an airship, the Zephyr.

Syl wears worn breeches, often made of doeskin, a man’s waistcoat made of poorly patched canvas that has been embellished with coins and beads and lined with velvet, and occasionally a tricorn hat. She loves jewelry, wearing dozens of bracelets of braided leather, silk cords, or chain, that cover most of her arms – but never wears shoes. Small silver bells adorn her long braids, bracelets, and the wide belt, made of many scraps of cloth woven together, wrapped twice around her waist, but she can move silently when she chooses to. Her capacity for alcohol is legendary and she has almost won several drinking contests among the minions, but she always loses to the “dragon,” Gumdrop. Her weapons of choice are knives, a number of which she keeps hidden around her person. She is crude, abrasive, and opinionated, and enjoys stealing simply for the sake of stealing. Her ethics are almost non-existent.

Syl’s unconventional appearance is common among the Free Traders of her home universe, their distinctive attire – consisting of bright colors, bells, flashy beads, and patchwork – is considered their trademark and serves to set them apart from the uniform appearance of “normal” sailors, who refer to them by derogatory terms such as “magpie” or “parrot”. Many Free Traders have embraced this, weaving colorful feathers into their already outlandish garb.

Abandoned by her mother at birth, Syl was raised by her emotionally distant father. When she was still quite young it was discovered that Syl was Gifted with Negation and her father sold her to the Scarlet Sisters, a pseudo-religious order of assassins who trained her in the deadly arts. The Sisters also attempted to brainwash Syl into following their order’s unorthodox teachings, but she proved surprisingly resistant and was often censured for breaches of protocol. She later left the Sisters, the first in the order’s history to do so and survive. The order, understandably, has sent numerous assassins after Syl, but none of her “sisters” have been successful. After leaving the Sisters, Syl spent several years wandering from port to port, but found that no one was willing to look past her association with the order, as the Sisters are widely feared throughout the world. She briefly captained her own pirate vessel, but found it not to her liking and the experience began a long dislike of pirates that only grew with time. While attempting to drink away her sorrows in a run-down rum joint, she broke up a fight between a group of Royal Navy sailors and a lone Free Trader. The Free Trader, Ondine (or Dine as he prefers) struck up a friendship with the taciturn former assassin and the two eventually became very close. When Dine later married, Syl gave her “brother” the Zephyr as a wedding gift. He promptly made his wife (Lady Rebeckah del Amir) captain and the pair asked Syl to serve as navigatrix, a position she has held since.

During her ramblings, Syl met Kanai-san, wife of Library physician Ishi-sensei, and the two became good friends. Syl agreed to lend a hand in the Library at Kanai-san’s request, leaving her apprentice (a boy she won in a card game) to attend to navigation duties onboard the Zephyr. Syl has a deep dislike for Ishi-sensei, but refuses to explain what happened to cause such animosity. Despite being nominally sponsored by Ghostie, Syl rarely obeys anyone in the Library and often must be bribed to attend to any duty. She is enjoying a rich social life among the other minions. The fastest way to get on her bad side is to call her a pirate.

Lina Gates-Tepes:Species: VampireGender: FemaleVocation: Former werewolf Hunter-turned-housewife. Currently the owner and operator of Blood of the Bean Coffee Shop in the Library lobby.Acquired From: Lyle’s supernatural vampire story (Lyle is aware how cliché that sounds)First Appearance in the Library:Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter NineSponsor: LyleFriends: Gumdrop (more of a business partnership)

Biography:Despite looking like a recent high school graduate, Lina is actually around 65 years old. She showed up unannounced during one of Lyle’s fics and, citing boredom with her current life, decided to stick around and open her own business within the Library. She’s the owner and head barista at Blood of the Bean, a coffee shop that employs Darkwraiths as baristas, and also sells dinosaur-made pastries and the occasional sex toy.

Lina typically wears her long brown hair in a braid. Despite her perfect vision, she wears wire-rimmed reading glasses because she believes they make her look more austere. Her eyes are the bright red of the vampires in her universe. Clothing-wise, she typically chooses the most comfortable option in her closet, opting for jeans and t-shirts over the latest fashion. She is the only member of Blood of the Bean’s baristas not required to wear booty shorts and body glitter, although she knows she’d look fabulous in it.

Before coming to the Library, she managed her husband’s coven and lands nestled in the Cotswolds outside London. They have a 35 year old daughter named Aislyn who married a werewolf, much to the family’s discomfort. Lina reports that everyone is getting along fine,though, despite her own naturally instinct to kill her son-in-law every time the family gets together for supper.

Lina is originally from western Oregon and enjoys fine wine, playing the piano, drinking the blood of her enemies, and brewing the perfect cuppa.

MinionsBatá no Ninja:Type: Butter-wielding shadow assassinsStatistics:AKA “the clan,” this group of butter-tossing mercenaries has their own compound deep within the recesses of the Library. Their official liaison is the person designated Shinobi.

Darkwraiths:Type: Undead workhorsesStatistics:These nasty creatures were stolen in massive numbers from the Dark Souls game by Crunchy during the course of Ert’s riffing of Twin Humanities. Despite Crunchy’s efforts to further twist them into a dark legion of evil, they instead have become more of a jack-of-all-trades group who handle a wide array of tasks ranging from couch deployment to literary extractions. Due to Eliza’s kind treatment, they have adopted her as their leader, to the point that they are now rarely seen without her instructing them in whatever task they’ve been told to do.

Interns:Type: Expendable, unpaid college students.Statistics:While the full cohort of bunker denizens fall under the title “interns,” there is a specific subset who are unpaid, nameless college students looking to earn some credits. These tend to be given the worst jobs in the bunker and are typically expended in large numbers when anything really, really dangerous needs doing.

The Specs and Co.Type: Immortal DoofusesStatistics:A group of former legends who were killed in their previous lives, so named because of Specs’ position as their leader – even though he doesn’t really display any leadership qualities. By way of an as-of-yet-unexplained phenomenon known as the First Death, they were all reborn as Immortals, and were blessed with powers previously beyond their comprehension. So long as they remain soulbound to SC, they are physically incapable of being killed in any fashion. They’re a rather goofy bunch, and they don’t seem to understand action and consequence a lot of the time, often resulting in earning the ire of many a law-enforcement group. When SC started riffing at the Library, Specs and Contacts were the only ones who actually volunteered to join in, whereas everybody else was dragged into the fray over time. They don’t have any designated area for themselves, so the Co. just wanders aimlessly about the Library, often being accidentally caught in some horrific event caused by another Librarian, or any of the other interns and minions.

SC’s OC ArmyType: Self-Aware Original CharactersStatistics:When SC first started riffing, he had an epiphany that told him that he would go insane within a year if he tried to handle the madness alone. So, for the sole purpose of having buddies to riff with, he gave his OCs the ability to break the fourth wall and leave their respective canons whenever he had an open position in a riff and wasn’t planning on running solo. Though most of his OCs were okay with it, and a few frequently appearing faces have grown to consider it a normal occurrence, some were a bit apprehensive, and two in particular have made it very clear that if he ever drags them into a riff again, he may well suffer Terrible Consequences. As the list of OCs SC has ever created is too ungodly long to list every single one of them individually, it’s best to just point out the few frequent fliers and group everybody else into this slot.

Mark/cus:Type: Stu LanternStatistics:Markus is a bit character who was extracted off-screen from A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith by Crunchy in his quest for a worthy apprentice. Marcus is a completely silent character who has mostly been featured in repulsing DRD assaults, but is also the one who talked down Swenia off-screen following her extraction from Jedi’s Destiny. He was later chosen by the Stu Ring after it was discarded by Crunchy (having rejected him). While Markus is still a denizen of the bunker, as the only member of the Stu Corps he spends most of his time away looking for Awesome McEvils to thwart. He is also the Library’s janitor. The spelling of his name is intentionally inconsistent.

BartoloméType: Jumping SharkStatistics:
Bartolomé is the Great White shark that lives in the Library’s shark jump tank. He lives for the moment he gets to leap from his tank and through the flaming hoop of fanfiction failure. Koori works as his keeper and trainer. Although he has dwelt in the Library for the entirety of the facility’s existence, he was not acknowledged as a named minion until post 1105, Tangled: alternative story – Chapter 10.

Weapons

One last thing you may have noticed is that we all have select weapons here at the Library that some of the snarkers use if the fics get really out of hand. So… well, we have an armory for that, where we store our weapons. So this is a log of all the weapons at the Library at any given time.

It’s not often that one gets to see a giant Wile E. Coyote-sized hammer in any event in real life, much less in the concert hall. However, that is precisely what happens whenever symphony orchestras perform Gustav Mahler’s Sixth Symphony. Originally meant to signify the blows of fate in the context of Mahler’s symphony (well, at least according to Mahler’s wife, anyway), the hammer blows have become a legend in their own right. It has been said that, when it is built correctly, a blow from this hammer is so powerful it can shake stages and cause some unlucky horn players to stop playing every time it strikes, and that’s before mentioning that the hammer’s thud can cut through an entire 108-piece orchestra.

Of course, for Herr Wozzeck, this makes for natural weapon material. Thus, he keeps Alma close by whenever he snarks anything. It may be a little slow to wield, but it packs enough of a punch that Herr can make good use of it. Just don’t touch Alma, or he’ll go after you with a vengeance.

Harry the HardbackType: Copy of the 6th book of Earth’s Children: The Shelters of StoneGender: MaleFirst Appearance: 62: The necklace dream – Chapter OneWielder: LyleWeapon Statistics:

He’s a hardback book and those hurt when brought down on top of someone’s head. Lyle uses him to smack authors and characters that get out of hand. There’s nothing really special about him. When working on Harry Potter fics, however, Lyle will not usually use Harry to try to keep confusion down.

Horatio is a small, yet deceptively heavy, weaponized gong. Initially a lone-weapon, he now commands a massive cohort of gongs ranging in size from the small gongs used in the fully-automated gong-launcher to the massive planet-busting gongs fired out of the orbital gong accelerator. He was gravely injured during a particularly hard gonging in A Jedi’s Destiny: Episode I: Rise of the Sith, but was repaired. Since then, Horatio has slowly faded to the background, satisfied to lead his legion of gongs from the comfort of his captain’s chair aboard the orbital gong accelerator. This is due in part to the number of times Taco has been intercepted by bold-tape wielding ninjas whenever a smirk shows up.

Lyle has an old dictionary in two volumes. It’s so heavy and thick she uses it to press flowers. And when Harry can’t be used, she’ll often grab it and use it to smack authors and characters. It’s also handy for looking up definitions when words are used incorrectly.

An old friend of the Library, Mr. Crowbar has been Ghostie’s companion since the very early days. Mr. Crowbar is always eager to lend a hand in knocking some sense into a badfic author, quite literally. Although they have an open relationship, Ghostie becomes very angry when anyone touches Mr. Crowbar without her permission.

Herr Wozzeck will usually default to Alma whenever Alma is around. But there are times where Alma is out of commission for whatever reason, whether it be because Alma’s tired or because she’s been broken. In those scenarios, Herr will break out the fencing foil he used when he was into fencing for a brief period. He won’t really swear by it, though: it’s not as satisfying to lunge at something when you can whack it with a giant hammer, right?

Forgotten for a while, Carlos has recently made a re-appearance. Although Lyle uses him most often to punish bad fic authors, Carlos has also been used to keep other Librarians in their offices/riffing rooms when they’ve threatened to rage-quit. He is also handy when used to defend against DRD raids.

SC’s trio of guns. Though they were originally just guns, they have evolved to be their own characters, even acquiring nicknames and genders of their own (though SC is only just now revealing what those nicknames are). The guns represent actual firearms SC owns in real life – a Savage .308 scoped bolt-action five round hunting rifle, a Browning 12-gauge under barrel-loading pump-action shotgun, and a 9mm. semi-automatic pistol which SC has forgotten the type of like a doof. Though they rarely show up in his riffs, SC is quick to bust them out at the first excuse if necessary – and on one occasion, Messer Rifle objected to it. He hasn’t since, though.

SC’s eye-lasers. In an X-Men fashion, the lasers are subdued by SC’s glasses, which are made of a unique Unobtainium material that massively unfocuses the beams and therefore makes them too weak to do any harm. Originally, SC only used them when dealing with the DRD or unruly members of the Specs and Co., but it has progressed since then to an event known as “the Glasses Come Off,” where SC’s annoyance towards a fic boils over and he launches into a full-on rant about what caused the annoyance to boil over in the first place. What you don’t see is the part where SC’s eye lasers are roasting the room as he rants.

Erttheking is in a unique position among the Librarians, in that he does not review his stories within the bunker. He instead reviews it from a space station that was built by Goeth. Originally an ordinary space station, Goeth has made several upgrades to it over the years to better accommodate various situations, said modifications including a plasma cannon, holding cells, automated medical facilities, and propulsion system capable of interstellar travel. The station has come under attack multiple times, sustaining various degrees of damage each time.

Acquired when Goeth made an attack on all seven of the Lantern Corps (if anyone asks, we have no idea who he is), one ring from each of the Corps made their way into the possession of the Library. They are rings of exceptional power, capable of producing energy blasts, energy constructs, enabling flight, and empowering the wearers in other ways. The majority of them are currently wielded by Library interns, with Goeth wielding the Yellow, Nora the Green, Cornelia the Blue and Woods the Violet. Erttheking wields the Red ring, although unlike his interns he has little control over it, resulting in an incident where he went on a violent rampage and the ring was unable to be removed from him until Cornelia mastered her ring. The Star Sapphire and Orange rings where stolen by Commander Shepard (Other known aliases include Stupard 2.0), and Seiko, formerly known as BRSue

A weapon that is currently not under the control of the Library, nor has it ever been. This is not an asset, but instead a threat. The Black Lantern ring grants the same powers as all other rings, but is unique in that its wearer can raise the dead to make them fight as loyal servants. There is great concern that an army without end could be created if this is used in conjunction with the respawn system. Maximum caution is advised.