68 mindful June 2014
Better to chill
in awkward
silence than inflict
additional pain.
While I was walking in the park the
other day, I saw an at tractive, picture-
perfect couple, worthy of a g reeting card,
standing in the middle of a beautiful,
big green meadow. But despite the lovely
setting, they were fighting. His back
was up, arms gesticulating and flailing.
She was a lternately in his face, then
backing off to bury her face in her hands.
Passersby averted their gaze to avoid the
couple’s obvious anguish.
The whole thing probably started
because one of them decided now was
the perfect time to offer some feedback.
Feedback is that incredibly annoying
sound that happens when a microphone
picks up what ’s coming out of speakers.
And that’s what huma n feedback can
be like when it is delivered unskillfully.
It so often explodes in the heat of the
moment when long-simmering anger a nd
resentment spark an emotional outburst.
Unfortunately, once those floodgates
open, pain, hurt, and frustration often
flow out.
Here’s an example of a couple I was
talking to the other day. The wife had a
bad cold and was just arriving home from
a business trip. Their ca r had been acting
up and while she was away, it finally
broke down. The husband had it towed
to the shop, and rented a car to pick her
up at the airport. When it was time to
retrieve their car the next day, they went
together in the rental. She was about to
drive their car back home to get some
rest, when he asked if she would follow
him to the rental place, so he wouldn’t
have to take the bus home. She said yes,
but was disappointed (she was looking
forward to lying down, not another 45
minutes on the road) a nd didn’t tell her
husband how she really felt.
When he got back in the car—pleased
because he was about to get a ride home
rather than wait for the bus—things
got tense. Before long, her annoyance
prompted her to say, “Whatever is
convenient for you is always best.” He
responded, “So, you didn’t wa nt to take
me? You should’ve said so. You’re never
straightforward.”
Always. Never. Telltale, loaded words.
You know how this pans out.
Feedback rarely comes on schedule or
at the appropriate time. Sometimes we’re
fortunate to notice something g nawing at
us, and we find a tactful time to have an
open conversation about it. But unavoid-
ably, misfiring emotions will trigger
harsh feedback. The trick here—for the
couple flailing their arms in public and
the couple risking a ca r accident during a
sniping match—is to notice the flash-
point. And stop.
Awkward silence usually follows while
the verbal blows are still pulsating, but
that’s OK. It’s better than piling on more
hurt. Then, one of you should break the
silence, perhaps saying something like,
“Sorry. We got off on the wrong foot here.
Let’s talk about this later when emotions
are not running so high.” Then find a
good time for real listening, contem-
plation, and honest sharing, so you can
discover together what is true. ●
Provide Feedback, Not Payback
ms. mindful on relationships
in practice
Illustration by Alessandro Gottardo