Men’s Health Magazine & Lance Armstrong — Punch In The Face

April 1, 2009

Got my Men’s Health Magazine in the mail the other day. That’s right — I got a subscription. I love Men’s Health because it has the same three articles every month: “Belly Off in 19 Days!”; “How to Manage Your Boss”; and “What She Really Wants From You”. “What She Really Wants . . .” contains alleged “quotes” from the beautiful women of America:

“I love it when Derek and I watch football all day on Sunday — even the post-game interviews and the endless stream of highlight shows. My favorite part of the day is when he ignores all of my questions and screams into his Bluetooth at his old college roommate/ bookie.” — Sarah G., Seattle, WA

Sarah G. from Seattle. I’m pretty sure “Sarah G. from Seattle, WA” is really “Richie V., Emmaus, PA” — this semester’s intern at Men’s Health. At any rate, I like having several Men’s Health’s around the house in case — just in case — I ever get a life. Then, that urban Style Guide and the article on how to win a bar fight will (finally) both come in handy.

With all of the potential good Men’s Health can offer (if I ever get in a bar fight, I now know that I should try to turn away from the punch — thanks Men’s Health!), sometimes it can go a little far — and I think they just did. The Men’s Health cover boy for last month is Lance Armstrong, and the heading states “Crush Stress and Strip Away Fat with Lance Armstrong’s Exclusive Success Formula.” No offense to Men’s Health and Richie the Intern, but I don’t need to read about Lance’s Exclusive Success Formula for crushing stress — I think I got it down:

1) Demonstrate a consistent pattern of abandoning all relationship-based responsibilities when things “just aren’t working out”; and

2) Exercise 11 hours a day.

Yup — that’s all you gotta do, fellas. And believe me — following those 2 steps DOES “crush stress.” I tried them both one Saturday when my wife took the kids to the in-laws. Well . . . I didn’t really exercise for 11 hours that day, but I did run a mile on the treadmill in the basement in a 1-piece spandex suit, so I’m pretty sure I got a big enough flavor of good ole’ Lancie’s Exclusive Stress-Crush Formula. And let me tell you . . . I crushed stress that day. The problem is, it’s really hard to follow Lancie’s formula with — ya know — real responsibilities and — ya know — a job. Maybe Men’s Health could write a stress-crushing formula for men with a — what’s that word? Oh yes — a conscience.

Gotta love the hype re: Lance Armstrong. I was onto him 4 years ago (April 1, 2009, to be exact). Never trust a man who can exercise 11 hours a day. Too much time to scheme. Enjoy this blog blast from the past.