11 Things All Men Do in Secret

Beware: most of these involve their junk.

1. Hang a towel off their penises. The shower isn't officially over until a guy uses his semi-erect penis as an impromptu towel rack. Whether or not it's successful is something he will take to his grave.

2. Dry their balls with a blow-dryer. Putting a blow-dryer under your towel is the man equivalent of a pig rolling around in mud.

3. Tinker. Does that coffee table look unbalanced? Is the heater making a weird noise? Time to take some stuff off and put it back on and then place hands firmly on hips with a heavy sigh. That didn't do anything.

4. Tuck their penises between their legs. It doesn't matter if they already know what it looks like to have a fake vagina, they just do it sometimes.

5. Rub their stomachs. Maybe they're admiring their own abs or maybe just petting their fields of stomach hair, but this feels amazing.

6. Try to go down on themselves. Every guy has tried to suck his own penis at least once. The fear of almost snapping their necks in an attempt to auto-fellate themselves scares them into sticking with regular masturbation.

7. Eat something without a bowl/dish/proper utensils. Paper towels, regular towels, a magazine, a box cutter, a pocket knife, their hands. These are the place settings of a man determined not to wash dishes.

8. Flex. Men will catch themselves in a mirror and just see how their muscles are doing. It's like a lipstick check except way more embarrassing if they get caught.

9. Think about what they would do if the building they were in was attacked by terrorists. Blame Die Hard for this one, but men will daydream about how they would defend their house or office from a major threat, even if all the survival instincts they have were gleaned off of three weeks of Boy Scouts in fourth grade.

10. Create arbitrary challenges for themselves. Can they get this tinfoil into the garbage from across the kitchen? Can they balance 13 dirty dishes on one hand as they carry them out of the bedroom? It doesn't matter that these are self-imposed, they must find out.