No, really, I can’t stay for coffee. Sunday school starts in half an hour and I live a mile away.

No, no, I don’t want a ride; it’d probably just take longer anyway.

Oh no, no, please don’t cry.

Well that was a mean thing to say. Look, you didn’t have to make this personal, CrimsonRide, but if we’re being honest here I want nothing to do with you. I’d ask you not to call me but at least I was prudent enough not to give out my phone number, something you clearly cannot claim.

Why don’t I want to be with you? Well, CrimsonRide, if you must know, I find you repulsive. We had a class together freshman year and you were svelte and athletic and flexible – two short years later and it seems you’ve totally let yourself go. What happened?

Come here – look at this map of routes with me. See how there’s this entire section of campus that’s totally ignored? You used to cover that, and people loved you for it, especially on rainy days. Now there is literally nothing to ferry students from the north side to the rest of campus in any reasonable amount of time.

I used to be able to get on Gold 2 (remember numbers? We’ll get to that in a moment) at my dorm and get off outside ten Hoor. This was convenient because, as a freshman, I had to take English and history courses, both of which are largely hosted in that building. If I get on Gold route now I’m taken up to Publix. What good does that do me (or anyone) when I need to get to somewhere on campus quickly?

And don’t even get me started on your loops. Seriously, it’s disgusting. I’d claim you did it intentionally if I believed you capable of such an act. You do realize that both Green and Blue routes also make that loop outside Friedman Hall, right? That’s a loop, on top of a loop, on top of a loop. Don’t bother explaining – I don’t want to hear it.

Speaking of Blue and Green: you realize they’re basically the same route, right? I get trying to match, and the effort is admirable, but at this point you’re just trying too hard and people are starting to notice. It’s embarrassing.

You know how in middle school people thought being stupid was cool? And then once they became upperclassmen in high school and then got into college it wasn’t so cool? I feel like you did the opposite. You had several different routes that were identified by color. Some routes, like Gold, had numbers. These numbers indicated whether the bus went clockwise or counterclockwise around campus in basically the same area, so one could reasonably expect Gold 1 and Gold 2 to run in roughly the same area, albeit in different directions. This was ideal because a student could get on Gold 1 to go to class, and get on Gold 2 to get back to his or her dorm without being forced to ride all the way around campus. There are no more numbers. Every route runs in one direction. I wish you could tell me why, but I know the reason doesn’t make any sense.

What’s that? Students were confused? They thought Gold 1 and 2 went to the same places, despite sharing maybe one bus stop? Call me elitist, but if an enrolled student at an institution of higher learning can’t decipher the map provided at every bus stop, maybe the bus he or she should be looking for is big and yellow.

Look, you’re free to do what you want. This is just my opinion and, honestly, what does that count for? Just don’t act surprised that I’m trying to sneak out, because until you get a handle on this whole situation I won’t be the last one to leave.

Now you know how I feel. I’m sorry. I’m going to leave before you make me bring up those two stop signs at the three-way intersection outside Bruno library.