Lars von Trier is "doing [his] best" to satiate his leading lady's appetite for porn. Woody Allen says he wants to fuck all of his leading ladies. Zsa Zsa Gabor falls into a coma. Janice Dickinson loses her teeth. Thursday gossip takes a Nazi pervert at his word.

Genital-destroying director Lars von Triercalled himself a Nazi at a Cannes press conference, causing the film festival to kick him out, but I think we're all missing the point here. Did you know that, at the same press conference, Lars announced that Kirsten Dunst wants to make a "really, really, really hardcore" movie with him? It's true! She's totally into it, says a guy who would say pretty much anything for the sake of a headline:

Dunst has a nude scene in Melancholia, and von Trier joked that he now intends to do a porn film with her. "Now she wants more. That's how women are, and Charlotte [Gainsbourg, Dunst's Melancholia co-star] is behind this. They want a really, really, really hardcore film this time, and I'm doing my best," von Trier said, as Dunst and Gainsbourg chuckled uncomfortably beside him.

And that's how the Associated Press characterized it, which means the reality was probably way more uncomfortable, but you can't say things like awk-ward! or crickets in an AP write-up. [AP, Superficial, image of Lars and Kirsten via Getty]

Schwarze-spurned woman Maria Shriver has hired a divorce attorney. She had a "calm and quiet" lunch with two of her kids yesterday. [People, People]

Meanwhile, psychotic rumors about our new Public Enemy #1, Schwarze-baby-mama Mildred Patricia 'Patty' Baena, abound: "Patty would dress in Maria's clothing and even wearing her jewelry around town." "When Maria would leave the house in the morning, she would crawl into the marital bed and do the deed with Arnold." If this were a plotline in Desperate Housewives, it'd be too ridiculous to believe. As reality, still not terribly believable, but then, hiding a love child in plain sight for 14 years defies belief, too, so who knows? [TMZ]

Woody Allen on female co-workers: "I have great adoration and lust and interest in all of the women in my films. It would thrill me to go out with all of them." Ugh. [W]

Stone Temple Pilots front man Scott Weiland writes about being raped at the age of 12 in his new memoir: a "big muscular guy, a high school senior [who] rode the bus with me every day to school... invited me to his house. The dude raped me. It was quick, not pleasant. I was too scared to tell anyone." [Spin]

Mummified tissue sample Janice Dickinson lost two false teeth at a fancy restaurant in the Hamptons, causing the gangly 56-year-old crazybomb to "dive under the table like a porpoise" to retrieve them. "I was like Lucille Ball on crack," she continued. "I was under the table and it was sticky." [P6]

Jack Black gave Angelina Jolie a "gag gift" and it was a "DVD box set of The Brady Bunch," because she has so many kids. There was a time in Angie's life when "gag gift" meant something much sexier than a Brady Bunch marathon, but alas, that was a long time ago. [Us]

Rosie Perez is suing Law & Order: SVU over an injury sustained on set, when an extra shook her so hard she herniated a disc and needed two surgeries. Apparently she's mad they didn't use a stuntman for the scene. [NYDN]

Oh look, Rashida Jones in her underwear, talking about movie makeouts with a men's magazine: "I feel like I've come a long way from my first job, when I had to get mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from Rip Torn." Lots of old guys in vaguely sexual situations with nubile babes in today's gossip roundup. [GQ]

Rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery yesterday, 94-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor has fallen into a coma, according to her husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt. [TMZ]