Saturday, February 9, 2013

A couple of nights ago I was listening to a song on You Tube. Then it got me thinking about our first dance song. I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. I have heard it so much that it kind of lost some of it meaning to me. But listening to this week reminded me all that Ross and I have gone through. Here are the lyrics.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

There have never been a song that has been more fitting then this song. I can't wait to dance to this song. It will forever be our song.

Being so close to the anniversary to the day that I was diagnosed with cancer, I am reminded of what has happened in the last two years. Let's see...I went to the ER and I remember it like it was yesterday. So much I can't remember from the meds that they gave me. I haven't really dealt with all of it, but each day I get closer. It helps for me to talk about it and share my story with others. It is very hard to be 31 and not know very many people like me. Don't feel bad that I can't have kids. I never knew if I want to have them. Think of it this way, I am never again going to have the emotional stress from PMS. It has been almost 2 years since I have had a period. Oh yeah, I love it. Sure I get hot flashes, but I much rather have those then terrible cramps and mood swings. There are so many adjustments that I have had to make because one day my life changed forever. I am not angry because last year was a great year. A lot of things I got to experience because of my cancer and I would have taken so much longer to get to if my life hadn't changed.

I have talked about all these things before and there is nothing new, yes my life changed. I can't change what has happened. I would change anything. I am so happy to be alive and sharing my story with you. I hope to go through my blog and add more details. I hope that one day that I can turn it into a book. I hope that one day I can help someone else get through cancer and treatment.

I was recently in hospital because I had an allergic reaction to a vaccine. Let's see...my chance of getting leukemia is 1.51% actually it is lower because of the type of leukemia. I got the one that is least common in adults. There is no cause or prevention for it. It just happens. So like most things that have happened to me it had taken a few days. The vaccine that I had was Tdap which only came around in 2005. It is the tetanus shot with others, well the others it was I was allergic to. "Very rarely, someone may have a severe allergic reaction to an ingredient in the Tdap or Td vaccine. This generally happens in less than one in a million doses.'' Seriously? Remember I was allergic to cyclosporine? Highly unlikely that a very serious allergic reaction would happen. My newest one is Celebrex which only causes a small reaction but you can see it all over my face, why? Because it turns my face bright red! Oh geez. At least at this point I am more surprised when something doesn't happen. Another small thing that I have had to adjust to. When I was in the hospital the doctor told me that when it comes to me that all rules go out the door. Yay me! I always new that I was different but really but I didn't know how different I am. I am not going to change me. I love me.

As the 18th comes closer, I am trying to make it a better day for me. I don't want it to be my emotional time of year. I don't want to be sad. It is the hardest thing that I have gone through. I hope that I never have to go through something as hard. So I am ready to take on this new year and plan my future. Ross and I have so many things in store for our future. We will live each day with a smile on our face. I will remind myself to not to live in the past. Move forward. It really was the day that my life changed forever. I don't look the same, I don't act the same. I am a better person than I was before. I really need to thank cancer for what it did to me. If it doesn't kill you it only makes your stronger. Those are some words that you don't want to live by. My motto is always "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin.

I am ready for the next chapter in my life. To be married and start my life with Ross as husband and wife. 69 days until we are married. We are so excited and can't wait for the big day. Next chapter in my life will be a cancer survivor at the age of 31 and beyond. Learning how to deal with my body and all that comes with. Trying to get people to understand that what I went through, because I look like I am 25 I act like I am 30 and have the body of a 75 year old. It isn't that I expect to be treated differently but it is hard to understand when you look at me and don't know my past. Can't truly understand me without the history. I am really thankful to be alive. There is an amazing man that tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me smile so much! Oh Ross how I love you!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

It has been over a year since I started my blog and through the last year I have come to terms with a lot of things dealing with cancer. When I started last year I was so afraid of so many things happening. I was completely living in fear, afraid of the sun, germs and of relapse. It has almost 18 months since my transplant. I like to take the time and reflect on what has happened.

I went back to work on November 28th 2011. That was 6 months after my transplant. I was full time working 32 hours by January 1st. Not only was it 6 months after my transplant but only 4 months after I almost died. I try to make light of what happened only to not make people feel so weird. How many times to do you get to come back to life? Ross, the nurses and myself were the reason I am still alive. Always believe what you feel inside, don't go against. In the last year I have had to adapt to a life of change. Learning how to do the simple things that I once took for granted. My memory is the one thing that I take for granted and now I have adapted to making notes, not just in one place, but like 3. I need to carry it over to my personal life a bit more. Write things down! :-)

Last year after not being able to drink for 10 months, I really could wait to be able to drink again. Not like I have ever been a really drinker, but a nice cold beer with some BBQ. You know what I mean, a cocktail after a long day at work or a nice glass of wine with dinner. Mind you, my drinking was very limited because of the medications that I was taking and didn't want to injure my liver or kidneys. Now, I am only on 2 meds, one for my thyroid and one for my anxiety. Guess what? Those were the meds I was on before I was diagnosed. It has been just over a week since I have stopped taking steroids for the first time since my transplant. Oh boy does it feel good. I keep hoping that my face is going to lose it's chubbiness very soon. Only time will tell. Because of the steroids it has caused my cholesterol to go into the high range. Making me have to make another adjustment to life. No one likes the word diet. So instead, I have changed the foods that I eat but making sure to still fulfill my cravings. Watching the amount of calories and cholesterol that I intake. Hopefully it will drop a lot with not taking the steroids and eating differently. Also I have been working out with my bike that I got, with core workouts. Oh ya baby! I am going to look great for my wedding.

The last 2 days someone has told me that I am fast walker. Do you know how good that makes me feel? Thank you Charlene! I could barely get around a year ago. The cold air would take the breath right out of me. Oh change how you have been good to me. I have also been falling down less. Getting those knees and hips in shape.

Coming to terms with life. I have learned how to cherish those that love me so much better. Have better appreciation for all that have taken care of me. Learning how to let go of the past as in longer than the 2 last years. Letting going of the fears of dying and learning to live again. Life is so short, but you truly don't understand unless you have come close to losing it. Not having people in my life that are drama and self-sabotaging is the easiest thing to let go. My life is so much calmer now that I know who I can count on and who I can't. It's better to have a small group of loved ones then lots of "surface" people. It has been amazing what I have learned through going to a therapist. I recommend it to everyone. Everyone should have one. Someone to release all your thought and that isn't going to hold your hand and cater to your needs or their needs. Be real and honest people.

I have recently felt heartache again. In all that has happened my father has decided that he is done with me and my sister. Without airing all our dirty laundry know this. My sister and I are by far some of the strongest people I know. Ya, I know I have a big ego, but you go through what I have and see how you come out on the other side. We are so strong because had to raise ourselves from me being 9 and her being 7. Our mom was a hard worker and our dad was always in between jobs. Our mom did the best she could but only could do so much. I remember being so poor that we could only use 3 squares of toilet paper at a time. Getting most of our school supplies from our grandparents because my grandfather was a principle and was always stocked up. There is so much more childhood drama, but we all have it. No one is perfect, I truly understand that. I have always opened my doors to my family and tried to help out. I have helped out my dad's sister and ex-girlfriend only to be screwed over by both of them. I have always had a place for him to lay his head when he has come to town. But one time he can't stay all night is when we had my mom over for holiday he stops talking to me and blocks my number. Then tells my sister he isn't coming to my wedding or walk me down the aisle. The reason that we didn't want to have him over wasn't because my mom said anything it was because my sister and I didn't want to have an uncomfortable holiday with both our parents. Hello! They have been divorced since 1999, no we don't want our parents to be around each other unless necessary. It was weird enough in the hospital and I was on drugs most of the time. So there you have it. All I have to say is that you can't explain crazy.

I am moving forward and looking forward to my wedding and honeymoon. Next month will be 2 years since I got Leukemia, but the only anniversary that will matter to me are the one with Ross and my transplant birthday. :-)

So 2013, has been good so far with only being 24 days into. One of my goals for the year is to educate myself more. I love to memorize dates, places and trivia. I am learning all the Presidents in order then to learn about them and be able to tell everyone all sorts of things about them. I have the first 8 so far. I am getting there week by week. :) Speaking of memory, I can't remember what my other goal was, sure I would like to lose weight, but that wasn't it. Drink less, sure, since last years was to drink more. Haha! Well I guess that is enough for now. I am off to read my book.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

So instead of posting daily on Facebook I kept notes to myself and new that I would post them on my blog.

1. Ross
2. Sun
3. Good knees
4. The love from my Maggie
5. To have a job that supports my lifestyle
6. For those that were strong enough to fight for all of my freedoms.
7. Peace to myself
8. A job that I enjoy
9. My little nephews
10. The love I have for sports
11. Coffee
12. My health
13. Medications
14. Freedom to drive
15. For my family
16. For best friends
17. Having purpose to live again
18. My mom and dad
19. Benjamin Franklin
20. Doctors that answer your questions regardless of the hour
21. Water, food, and wine
22. Memories
23. For a good therapist
24. The experience of being bald and teaching me how to love myself regardless of how I look.
25. My crazy bosses and the lessons that they teach me.
26. Being able to express myself through writing.
27. The people that invented indoor plumbing
28. For my soon to be in-laws that are becoming to feel like my family
29. Clothes and shoes
30. My new recumbent bike.

I am so thankful to have my life. I love the way it is. There are always things that could make it better and that is why we have goals.

I could write everyday what I am thankful for. There are so many things that we live with that we don't even realize how important they are until they are gone. Don't take life for granted. Live it as full as possible. I realized that doesn't mean that I have to always be doing something. What is one of the most important things to my life? Napping. I have always liked to nap and so does Ross. It is one of favorite things to do.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I just got back from the most amazing vacation ever. My mom, the wonderful woman that she is decided to take us to Hawaii to reward all the hard work that Charlene, Ross, Derek and Scott had done for me while I went through everything. It was a treat for herself too. I really didn't want to go to Hawaii, because at the time I was afraid of the sun. I don't want to get another cancer. I learned that it wasn't good to live in fear and wait for the next cancer to get to me. So we planned and planned our trip to Hawaii. I didn't have high expectation because I didn't know what it was going to be like. I had never been to a place like Hawaii. It took my breath away. It was Ross' home. He was so happy the entire time that we were there. We were all happy. The first day that we were there Ross proposed to me. I knew that he was going to since we were already planning the wedding. I didn't know what day or where. That was the surprise. It was very special and private and will only share a few details in person. That same morning Derek recieved a call that he had got a job at Amazon in Seattle. All this on our first day. This is the way to start a vacation. We saw several sites, we all went our own way because we are all interested in different things. We shared many meals together and talked about what we had done for the day. On Monday, we had planned to go to a temple and not really do too much but we ended up on our way to Honolulu and we were going there the next day to see Pearl Harbor but since we got lost, (apple maps suck) we decided to go visit Pearl Harbor. It really put things into view for me again. It made me very sad to know how many men, women and children had died that day. It was so peaceful to be out on the memorial and reflect on the terrible things that people had to go through. I have been through a lot but it doesn't compare to others went through in just a couple of hours. I wish that everyone would take interest in history, wars and the bigger issues in life. It would make all of our small things that happen everyday, just that, small things.

We ended up being able to find the temple on our way back. It was just as somber as the memorial. It was very fitting to put it all into one day. We were happy that we didn't do these two things on our last day but give us another day to reflect and enjoy our time in Hawaii. The temple was built without any nails. The temple is called Byodo-In Temple and that translated "temple of equality - not to discriminate". So fitting since the next day was going to be election day. I promise, no politics in this blog today. The Byodo-In was built to respresent the mythical phoenix, it's wings upheld by pillars of stone. Folklore tells of the phoenix arising from the ashes to reflect the promises of hope and renewal. This is what the trip was for me. Just less then a month ago my doctor told me to go and live. That is way the song feeling again touches me so much because the first time in almost 2 years I feel like I can live again. I have hope again for a brigh future. I look out and only see sunshine. Do you know what it feels like to have the new energy? It feels amazing and that is a small word to really put feeling into it.

As you can see my vacation was so far the best that I have ever been on. I hope that my mom reads this and sees how much she has improved my life. Without my support of my family, and that includes my dad who wasn't there I wouldn't be the person that I am. I could ask for better parents, sister, brother-in-law and step dad. Also to my wonderful man, Ross who has seen the worst side of me and the best side of and continues to stand by me.

With finishing this post, I know that I only gave a small glimpse of what my trip was like. As most of you know, my memory isn't what it once was. Ross and I have decided to create a scrap book of our vacation to Hawaii. I think that we will continue on taking pictures and making notes along the way.

It has almost been a full year since I have been doing this blog. I hope that one day to go through and rewrite it and make a book of it. Maybe? I am sure that my next post will be soon. I have a lot on my mind and am ready to share.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Think about these quotes...I am sure that you can apply them to your life.

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

He that can have patience can have what he will.

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion
and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning
will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and
crimes from society.

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...

There was nothing better than getting the news earlier this month that I was cancer free. To hear my doctor to tell me to go out and live and love made me feel like a brand new person. I have waited over a year to confirm that I was still in remission. Did I have doubts, yes I did. But who isn't after I have I gone through.

I have finished packing for my trip to Hawaii and am going to take off tomorrow. I have never been to Hawaii and really look forward to getting some relaxation and sun. There is nothing like getting some sun. I know, where my sunscreen. Don't you worry my mom will be there and will I am sure be more than happy to put me on a clock to reapply. I love her, it is because of her that we are taking this trip. It is the first time ever that we have taken a family trip. Good thing I like all of them. This is her treat to us, me, Charlene, Derek, Ross and Scott for all their support that they have given me in the last year and half. Without them I don't know what I would do. I don't think about those things. No need to.

I am starting to live again and it feels amazing.

I had a co-worker come up to me today and tell me that she had read on Facebook that I was cancer free and it made her so happy. She tried to explain how connected she had felt to me because 5 years ago she was sick and in her country they didn't know what was wrong. She said she was in the hospital for 40 days. Oh boy do I know how that feels. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. It is one of the main reasons I have decided to write today.

How can we better each other lives? How can we get rid of the bad from our past? I have come to terms with what has happened in my life. I still have people that I don't want anything to do with and really don't care what ever happens to them. But I don't spend any of my energy on them or looking back. By no means am I perfect. I have a mouth that can't seem to shut. I love to express myself. Anyways, moving forward. I would love for everyone to be happy all the time. I would love for no one to feel pain. These things, I can only do by sharing my positive energy with others. I can hug you everyday. I can tell a corny joke. I can make you laugh 10 times a day. I can dance around like a white girl. Did I make you smile yet? The one person that needs to be happy is yourself. If you can't find happiness within yourself then you can't share with others.

I can tell you that my relationship with Ross is like no other. I try not to compare to others. I have been told that what Ross and I have gone through is something that people that have been together 30 years might go through. Where I am going with this is...tell your partner that you love them. Tell them how special they are. Communicate always. Tell them your feelings good or bad. Spend time with them and nothing else around. Don't take each other for granted. Look into their eyes and give them a compliment. Kiss them on the cheek. There are so many small things to do to make another feel better, they don't even have to be down. I am not an expert in relationships but I understand the importance of sharing feelings because you never know what the future is going to hold.

I can't wait for what my future holds. There are so many changes going to be taking place in the next year. Then from there you never know what is ahead. So many questions, oh change how I will take you.

Live, love and laugh!! Those are the only things that you need to remember. Try to do it everyday. Keep positive!