It’s stuffy in here and dark and I’m all dried out. God-damn it smells too. They blame me, her stupid underwear. They think I smell but I tell them I get washed just as much as they do. And they get used way more often. They used to be jealous of me. They might get cycled through once every two weeks, but me, I was working every day, sometimes twice. Damn bitchy ass underwear.

Ever since she started seeing Richard, that cunt faced douche, she never even touches me. The day she first brought him over I got taken out of the drawer and shoved under the bed. What the fuck is up with that? Is she ashamed of me? Why? We’ve had so many great moments together. I know her intimately; she called me her best friend, even kissed me on occasion. Now I’m in this stupid drawer with her underwear, but don’t call them underwear,cause they like to be called panties. I hate that word – panties. What jackass came up with that word? Fuck them.

I never used to be this bitter. The Pink Underwear thinks my batteries are leaking. She might be right. The other night I tried to vibrate and couldn’t. Sometimes I feel a bit off, if you know what I mean?

“Yo batt’s is leaking boy,” she said to me.

“My batteries do not leak.”

“Smell like leakage to me.”

I started to get angry, “Don’t talk to me pink underwear! I’m not leaking and your stupid and pink and ugly!”

“Suit ya self. Ya ain’t need to get all angry. Girl don’t need you no mo’. She got a real dick.”

“I am a real dick!”

“You plastic. She flesh. Flesh need flesh.”

“Then why did she say she loves me? Huh? Why?”

“Girl was lonely. Can’t hate a girl for feelin’ lonely. Men is a joke. But they need that real dick. Just da truth.”

“I can be a real dick.”

The Pink Underwear laughed at me then, so I stopped talking. But why not? Why couldn’t I be a real dick? What would stop me?

“Ya gonna get thrown out with the trash. We’s all do. Even me, one day.”

“I’m not getting thrown out.”

“Cause she love you? She love me too. I been here 6 years. You know why? Cause I good at my shit. I’m comfortable, I look fuckin’ good and if you put me on, it make a man go wild, make a real dick scream.”

I listened to the Pink Underwear’s words. She could make a real dick scream. What else could she do? Could she make me a real dick?

“Boy you out your fuckin’ mind. Make you a real dick? I’s a pair of panties, ain’t no fairy magician or something. You been reading Pinocchio or some shit? Get real homeboy. You gettin’ put out with the trash. Sooner or later. And I’m bound to see ya out there soon enough. But I got fight in me boy. Maybe if ya did a better job makin’ her happy, she ain’t pursue no real dick. Then again, girl that good looking, smellin’ all nice, she bound to attract some real dick at some point. Don’t cha know?”

“What should I do. I’m gonna die.”

“Enjoy your last days. Maybe you get to be wit’ her one las’ time. That’d be nice for ya, maybe bittasweet though.”

That night I closed my eyes but couldn’t fall asleep. There was no one home for a long while and then I heard the door open. He was with her and I could hear them drunkenly making their way to the bed. I’ve never heard her scream so loud. Was he killing her? My god woman, are you so desperate for a man’s attention you would embarrass yourself with your wails of faux pleasure. She never screamed like that for me. I’m gonna die. I have no control, I’m just going to die. I began to cry as their fuck session finished. It certainly wasn’t love making. What I had with her was love. I could hear the soft whispers of their voices muffled in the distance. She told him how much he meant to her, how much she loved him. I pitied the poor fool. He couldn’t see the truth through her lies. The heartless bitch didn’t even have the decency to keep me out of earshot.