Just Ask Alice

DEAR HOT: I don’t know about records but I can tell you that it got so hot in Washington, DC that one Congressman took off his pants and twittered photos to prove it.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I moved up here from Virginia to work in the gas wells. Where I came from, most people are pretty much hillbillies. I thought you people were more sophisticated, but since I’ve been here, all I’ve heard are hound dogs bellowing constantly. The people with the dogs are idiots, but where is the indignation from the other neighbors? I wonder, do those people go to hell when they die?

—HAD ENOUGH,

MONROETON

DEAR HAD: You must be the new folks who live near my sister Lucille. That’s not her dog you’re hearing, it’s her husband Sidney, who likes to howl when he gets tanked up. I’ll tell my sister to give Sidney a whack with her frying pan next time he gets loaded. She told him he’s going to end up with the Devil when he dies, but Sidney says he’s been living with Satan since he married Lucille.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALL-LICE: Uso smart, how u gitso smart? Dew ewe thank Hillwee Quinton smart e-nuff to know the Son muves throo space at 220 kill-a-meters a second? Howe, then, duzz Eurth keep up wid Son? Plott this out for you-self, All-Lice. Usa big sheet of paper or else a chalk and a black or green bored. Eurth doant go round Son like we was taut in highschool back in nineteen fifty-won!

—WAUBERT HINKWY,

SOUTH TOWANDA

DEAR WAUBERT: I’ve been thinking about retiring and your letter convinced me that the time is truly drawing near. By the way, are you the person who writes Joe Biden’s speeches?

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Is it true that President Obama is going to give money to Greece to help them from defaulting on their loans?

— TOWANDA TAXPAYER

DEAR TOW: Yep, it’s true. It a piece of pure financial wizardry: he’s giving them money that we borrowed from China.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: My uncle hasn’t had a job in years and says that doing nothing is actually quite difficult. He won’t explain, can you?

—STUMPED IN SYLVANIA

DEAR STU: Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re finished.

—ALICE

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CONFIDENTIAL TO CAN’T DECIDE, DUSHORE: Usually when you come up with a solution for a problem that everyone agrees with, it’s the wrong choice.