Rule: Toddlers are obligated by the terms of their Toddler Contract to defy any phrases containing the words no, can’t, don’t, and stop. Use this in your favor.

I hate these Cheerios almost as much as I hate you getting more than me.

3) Say to your husband, in front of said child, “Let’s eat this later after the kids are in bed.”

Rule: Jealousy is your friend. Your best friend.

4) Hide it in the corner of the minivan, covered in fuzz and scream, “Oh, no! Don’t eat that! It’s disgusting! Who knows how long it’s been there?!” The more horrified you are, the better he will like it.

Rule: Everything tastes better when cooked with fire, especially if the fire is started by the toddler while Mom is on the phone and she freaks out when she discovers her baby playing in the flames and has to call the fire department and can’t stop crying when she tells Daddy about it when he gets home from work (See Rule #4).

8) If that doesn’t work, put it in the dog’s bowl and leave the room. If this is your first child, clean the bowl first.

Lol with rule # 1…but I dont need to throw his food on the floor…he does it for me…I just leave it there and ignore it…I actually wait until he leaves his left overs then I clean up his/ the mess…sometimes we have to give up and do things on their terms…lol

Yup! #6 toothpicks are great friends. #1-couldn’t be truer. When Pete was tootling around, we lived in an apartment off of a major highway. Our porch was always covered in who knows what. Can’t tell you how many times I would find him picking up food that had been there for a while and putting in his mouth. Now I get the joy of seeing Tim do the same thing!

Ha! ha! This is soooo true!! I’ve learned to just leave pieces of food dropped on the floor because they will 1) be eaten later; or 2) they are easier to vacuum when they are dried up. Thanks for the post!

Ok, I was just introduced to your blog and find you positively hilarious and down to earth and encouraging. I’m a mother of one 7 month old, but love readin your family stories. I’m sure we’ll get there. Thank you for sharing your heart and life!

This is so funny and so true. I love the pictures you’ve used to illustrate your points. I posted a link on my facebook, and I know it was shared by at least one of my friends. It received some nice comments and likes. I also pinned it on Pinterest. I hope both bring more people to your blog to discover you and your beautiful (and funny) articles. Thanks so much.

So funny…and so true! I especially relate to the “if it’s your first child, clean it first” idea. Ha! I also love your photos.
Congrats on being Fresh Pressed. Well deserved. You should be getting lots of fun comments and fabulous stats out of this one. – MoSop

For my kid, I used to place the (fruit) plate just next to where she was playing or (later) reading. She reached her hand for it automatically.. as we know they also “like” very much to toil for their dinner..

GREAT list! I always remember the time my son — age 6 — invented a rule for his baby sister: If the food is dropped on the ground, there’s the five-second rule; however, if that food happens to be sticky, the time limit reverts to three seconds. I died laughing at his insight…

I think we’ve all either had a kid who did one of those things, or watched a kid do one of those things! I’m just glad I don’t really remember doing any of them myself! Although, there was that one time…

I have to say, I agree with you! So happy I don’t remember that part about my childhood. I work in a kindergarten, so I see a lot of different things! And kids can be so nasty sometimes, haha, thats why I love the fact that I don’t remember myself doing all that! Like eating some bread you find in sandbox, that probably has been there for days.

Brilliant! My daughter used to be a fantastic eater – anything and everything and lots of it. But at 18 months she started to get picky, and has become increasingly so. I’m convinced this is some kind of power-play, however, and not an aversion to food because if she finds food in any of the states you mentioned in your post, it goes down the hatch. I haven’t reached the stage of planting fuzz-covered broccoli in the mini-van . . . yet!

With my first, I thought, “I’ll never let them eat anything off the floor!” Now I have five, and I once caught one of my twins taking dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, licking them, and putting them back. I knew things had changed when my first thought was, “Huh, at least he put them back!”

Hilarious! I don’t yet have kids of my own, but I laughed so hard all the way from the beginning to the end. LOL! I couldn’t help myself. This was so funny, and I am sure parents will agree that some of these are quite true.

Ah, yes, the Productivity Vortex, in which any possible productivity is sucked down in to the endless black hole of chaos that happens whenever you leave the room! I think you must have visited my house at some point before writing that post.

This post is brilliant!!! I love, love, love numbers one through three – they are going to be put to good use tomorrow (the little guy is sleeping now). The one that I really can’t wait to use is number two just because I really want to see his expression Thank you for sharing!!

Just discovered your precious blog today. I will be back. Bless you and thanks for letting us share in the joy that seems to be your life. I wrote about what a blessing children are today– a sacred echo? I will look forward to coming back again to read more.

ROTFL! But I would add rule #9 – Decorate the small child’s face and/or body with food. Many toddlers I’ve seen prefer to wear their food, and this technique could also be a potential method for encouraging them to eat. In some toddler circles, wearing one’s food is also considered a fashion statement. 😉

Mine stopped eating at 9 months – watch out it could be sooner than you think! – This blog is exactly what I should have done if only it had been written earlier – now they are in their teens and i’ve had 12 years of picky eaters! Enjoy watching yours eat of the floor!!!!! Good luck!

I tell new moms the stick rule all the time. They will anything on a frilly toothpick. Dog bowl, genius. If you have time stop by and read a post I have entitled, “UPS is making grilled cheeses now?” By our third I have adopted all of your parenting tips. We are geniuses. 😉

Love this! The jealousy works well with a sibling to sibling strategy as well: “this is for your sister, some day you’ll be old enough.” Thanks for the laugh today, and congrats on being Freshly Pressed.

This is AWESOME! I loved reading it as I tried to feed my toddler beans, carrots, and cottage cheese (all which he ignored in favor for the weeks old crumb of who knows what on the floor). Thanks for making me laugh!!

Oh, god, my kids are old enough now and eat everything but there is so much truth in all of what you say! Even when they are teens–child gaining weight? “You are not allowed to switch to skim milk until you’re 12″ (rule2). Child not eating well at university? “I just took vegetables to your brother at his dorm” (rule 3). And just remember–find a bottle of liquor in their closet? DON’T freak out, whatever you do: rule 4. Want them to read Shakespeare and love it? “Oh, honey, that story is NOT appropriate for you–you can’t read that until you’re 18″.
Hey, should I be using this on my husband?

haha.. so true! I don’t have kids, but without fail, telling my 13yr old brother that he can’t watch a movie or read a book because he’s ‘too young’ does seem to send him into a crazed state where doing the forbidden thing is the only way to prove maturity. Ah, kids.

Oh my goodness, HILARIOUS! We have a 13 month old (our first) and yes she will drop it on the floor in disgust and then eat it later when she finds it again…I’m going to remember these rules! I always thought dinnertime should be more relaxed- surely they won’t starve, and everything will be alright in the end!

HAHAHA…this is all true! Fantastic. I will add one more to your list…it’s all about marketing so a container (bowl, cup, plate, box…whatever) with their favorite cartoon character will get them to eat some things (I use a bowl shaped like mickey’s head to introduce questionable food to my toddler) oh and stickers of said characters on packages of healthy stuff: Me “Wow these are Thomas the Train carrots!” (toddler squeals in delight) Me: “Oh man, Thomas carrots….do you want to try them” and carrots are eaten 😀

Hope it works (I can’t take 100% credit it was my boyfriends idea…he works in marketing LOL)! My son also likes to put the stickers on his shirt when he’s done eating as his “prize” … I’ve also packed little lunches with a little toy (even one that’s already his) when we’re going places. It gives him healthy food while still getting the thrill (or whatever) from happy meals

Love this!! So cute! As a former nanny and mommy to rotten almost 2 year old this certainly hits the spot at our house. Her favorite word is no and I’ve definitely resorted to bribing (unfortunately) when it comes to food. But another to add to the list is food in ziploc bags, for some reason it tastes much better to her it seems especially if its a gallon size bag!! Toddlers are so much fun, wouldn’t trade it for the world even though I may not have hair left by the time she’s 3.

Terrific post, Kristen! Cheering you on for being Freshly Pressed from over here on Palawan. We will be sure and pass these great tips on to our daughter. She only has two in tow, but they are 1 and 2, barely a year apart, definitely both toddlers.

Really? I was probably 19 then. Your name sounded familiar, and I thought I recognized your face, but I wasn’t sure. I was going to ask my mom, who remembers everyone ever of all time. Nice to “meet” you again, Donna! Don’t be surprised if I show up on your front door sometime.

I’m trying to remember if he did that one, too. I remember the Grossmans and Crains doing it waaaay back when. Then again later, with others mixed in. Bill was infamous for Hotel Brough Manila, and Wierd Al and Ray Stevens songs – Lasagna, Fat, Gourmet Restaurants Ain’t For Me. And did a rewrite of Memories – “Memories, all alone in the jungle, all my kids have malaria, and my wife’s lost her mind . . . got to go to Word Of Life!”

Just saw your post on Pinterest… And cried, I laughed so hard!! As a mama of three (the first two eat NOTHING, but luckily the third will – and does – steal food right out of the dogs’ mouths), I confess that my sides now hurt, I’ve been laughing so hard at your post…

You must have very patient dogs!!! The thing I like best about this blogging community is that we all know we’re not alone, our children are not the only children who like animal food more than people food, and no one has a clean floor. I’m feeling much better about my parenting now!

It’s so refreshing to hear a sane approach to motherhood. In this day in age we have far too many over-protective parents who wouldn’t let their children eat anything unless the food and the child had been sterilised first. A good mouthful of dirt never hurt anybody. Kids should just enjoy being kids while they can.

This is awesome! My toddler’s current favorite snack is the cheerios and goldfish that he dropped on the floor of the car last month. As I try to put him in his carseat, he does this amazing, acrobatic, head-first dive to the floor and then scoops them up and stuffs them in his mouth before I can stop him.

Laughed so hard I almost lost my coffee! I was ready for a really good post on actually making your kids good eaters, but this was far, far better! Sounds like you have a very healthy outlook on raising your little crew Blessings!

Awesome list of suggestions!
I’m sure it would work on many kids. But according to my parents, some of these would not have worked for me when I was a toddler.
First, I hated anything dirty. In pre-K, I would never get my apron dirty while painting. So eating anything “covered in fuzz” was out of the question.
Second, telling me I can’t have any would result in me not eating anything for the rest of the day. I was extremely tough with food, and I could stay foodless for hours. I still can to this day. More than once, I lived on water for over 28 hours, and sometimes several days at a time.
But still, great suggestions! I’ll keep it in mind when I have kids of my own

So glad I stumbled across your blog! I have seven kids myself, and I cracked up at your “if this is your first baby” tips, I definitely know exactly how we go from boiling pacifiers to just spitting on it enough to get the mound of dirt off…

This was an incredibly cute post and as I sometimes have challenges with my 16 month old, I see how so many of these ideas would actually work!! Not sharing, genius! Telling her not to eat it, brilliant! Thanks for the ideas that I will honestly put into practice starting at lunch

I have a five-year old who isn’t the best eater. My trick is somehow make things look like a taco, and then call it a taco. I clicked over here hoping to get some ideas from a “super-duper-know-it-all-better-mom-than-me” but what I got was way better! Thanks for the laugh– I guess I can calm down knowing that all kids are like mine!

I love that! Who doesn’t love tacos?! And, if you want a mom who tells you how it should be, you’ve come to the wrong place. But, if you want a mom who tells you how it IS and makes you feel like you might not be the only mom on the planet who’s kid eats samples off the floor at Costco, well, you’ve come to the right place.

Great advice, Kristen. The last one, “If that doesn’t work, put it in the dog’s bowl and leave the room….” made me smile. Our youngest of 5 recently found where the dog treats are kept and has started munching on them. We need to discourage him to NOT eat like a dog!

A friend just shared your post on Facebook, and I must admit, I clicked on the link expecting to read a post from a ‘perfect parent’ telling me how I was doing everything wrong. I am so glad I clicked! Your post is brilliant and very funny. My youngest boy has just started refusing to eat anything other than cheese or chocolate so I will definitely be trying some of these tips. I’m off to share with my friends now

I’m glad you clicked! The thing about parenting is you’re never quite sure when you’re normal and when you’re not, and you hate to even ask the other moms if their kid digs in the carpet to find snacks or eats out of the dog’s bowl because you don’t want to get that horrified look that tells you you’re the only one! So welcome. You’re not alone.

I know, right? One of my kids, who hates salad, will eat an entire adult-sized salad if I just put it on my own plate and walk away. He will follow me around with his mouth open like a little bird. I think I should find a giant plate and all my kids can just share my food.

It’s so fun to catch up with you! It took me a bit to place you both, but once Donna mentioned that you were the one who did the Fun Night, well, it all came back! Such great memories. Congratulations on wrapping up translation! What a beautiful work. Thank you both for being so faithful.

I see you already figured out from Donna who we are. I was the Fun Night guy, yes. Brown Gold, Hotel Brough Manila, etc. What a claim to fame, ha. I remember your dad with a smile, too, how he had to fold himself into those little planes! Congratulations, also, on the joyful craziness of having 5 in tow.

Ah ha! What fun times! I remember sitting in the audience at one of the conferences and watching my mom CRY, she was laughing so hard. I know we have some hilarious photos of some of your acts…I’ll have to dig those up.

It has been fun for me as well. I have been following the Ostman’s journey back for their translation checks. I got to go into their tribe when I was there with Mom and Ron. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. The people still remembered my dad. There was something redemptive about standing on the airstrip, being introduced as the tall pilot’s daughter, and seeing their eyes light up with recognition. His was a brief work, comparatively, but it wasn’t for nothing. I look at you guys who’ve been at it for 30 years, and I know he’s cheering you on. What a beautiful thing it is to be a part of such a body.

I love your “If this is your first child, clean the ________ first” comments. Oh, sooooo so true. Now we’re well into the ‘brush it off, it’ll be fine!’ stage. And I said that I would *never* be one of ‘those’ moms!! :O Hey, as long as the kids are getting food into their mouths, I’m happy! 😉

Take away the toy that is food. The need to play with food overpowers the need to annoy mom. And asks for plate back. Still sneaks in playing with food but *some* of it goes in. Mom of almost 23 month old.

Oh yeah, picking things off the floor? Inspired. And as another mom says, if I didn’t see it/choose to not see it, it didn’t happen, right? ;-).

Excellent tips! It’s funny, I wrote this post in about two minutes, off the top of my head, because I hadn’t posted anything new in a couple days. I had no idea it would go viral like this, or I might have put a little more thought into it!

Thanks so much for this!
I’m still smiling–giggling and laughing out loud, too–because I’ve been reading these aloud to my grandchildren. They’re 7 and 8 and thought they knew everything about feeding themselves and others. Now they’re absolutely sure they know everything!

Thank you, Marylin. It’s a pleasure to have you here! Your site is beautiful, although I couldn’t get through much of it without tearing up. It is a tribute to your mother and to you. Thanks for stopping in. I am honored!

Omg, that is hilarious. #5 is SO true. I wrote a blog post called “You Might Have a Toddler”, and one of the items was “If you have rules like ‘Must Wear Underwear at the Dinner Table,’ you might have a toddler.”

Absolutely! Sarcastic and realistic all at the same time. I wrote this because this is how toddlers really DO eat. They really DO eat everything they find on the floor–food or not–and anything they can get out of the dog dish. Yet, they won’t eat anything on the table. If it drops on the floor, however…

once when i was a baby sitter the parents warned me that their kids were picky eaters and wouldn’t eat for a sitter and to make them. so when it came time to eat i asked what they wanted and they threw a fit and didn’t want to eat. so i made “myself” dinner and sat down by myself and began to take a few bites. when they said they wanted some i said, “nope, you said you didn’t want any and i don’t feel like wasting my time making something you won’t eat, so this is all mine.” finally after they begged me to share I gave them some of “my” food! works every time parents were so impressed they only had me babysit from then on and no one else. i use this trick all the time with my own kids now and they have no idea.

Everything is so true. My son is a no eater (not even a picky eater). He take four bites of food from his tray and throws the remaining on the floor. Then he will go look for something on the floor and eat that. He will squeeze the muffin and eat whatever is sticking on his shirt/pant. Oh and the car seat too… I have such a tough time to make him even have a look at food. I have tried #2 and #3, it did not workout for me I will try out the other options. Thanks for sharing.