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Eeek! Eeeeeeeeekkkk! It’s Award Season time again and that means the internet is so full of dresses that Rico and I have no choice but to turn our attention to who took a giant sack of money and spent it on a frock that not even the dog would use if it found itself on the beach without a sarong.

Rico reckons in light of what we’ve witnessed so far, it’s strangely appropriate that the Sewerage Gods unleashed a turd tsunami onto the carpet the night before, and that it’s only a shame they managed to clean it up because, frankly, some of the dresses would have benefited from the comparison.

Winner: Dress Most Likely To Be Picked Out of a Wonka Line-up

Sandra Bullock

Don’t get us wrong, Sandy – we love a liquorice Allsort in our family. Oh ok, that’s a lie. We fucking hate them. So thanks a million for leaving us with an aniseedy aftertaste and forcing us to say meaner things about you than that time you married Jesse James and we were screaming ‘don’t do it!’ and you totally ignored us.

Winner: Meet My New Face! Award

Sarah Hyland

Sarah Hyland before:

Sarah Hyland now:

Well, this is awkward. Quick! Onto the next one!

Winner: Overall Look Most Likely to be Found at the Bottom of a Bucket Award

Hayden Panettiere

Oh Hayden. Where do we begin? We understand that your height can be a little limiting, but you don’t see Tyrion Lannister strutting out on the battlements with mid-2000’s helmet hair now do you? And that dress… Did Wladimir help you choose it? Had he just come-to from a first round knock-out? Do yourself a favour and don’t go to that designer again unless you’re carrying a blowtorch.
Winner: Best Recycled Outfit Award

Julia Roberts

Hell, YES! we see what you’ve done here, Julia Roberts! You know, Rico and I were discussing the other day whether getting full-sleeve tattoos was a reasonable option for disguising cellulitely arms – but we now know that the real winner is to just tuck a shirt into the front of our boob tubes! Genius, woman, GENIUS!

Winner: Laziest Dress Choice Award

Reese Witherspoon

Oh Reece, if not for that smug head of yours we wouldn’t even bother, but it’s just so… so… Ah, fuckit. We give you points for appearing sober when everyone and their dog and their dog’s half-eaten bratwurst knows you just want to be at the bar slurring about how you’re sooooo fucking famous with a womb full of you-can’t-arrest-me-baby.

Winner: Most Hideous Pregnant Appearance Award

Drew Barrymore

Sweet mother of pregnant Christ, Drew, we know you’re with child but does that really mean you have to dress like someone bashed you in the head with a two-tonne placenta? Rico reckons the only saving grace to this outfit is that your ankles appear unswollen and that the bearded guy behind you has had his mind taken off his urinary tract infection.

Winner: Best Attention Seeking Pose Award

Zoe Saldana

Well, if you ARE pregnant, Zoe Saldana, we thank you for not dressing like a piece of sweaty flesh that’s fallen onto a plate of Hundreds and Thousands (see Barrymore, Drew). If you’re NOT pregnant, Zoe Saldana, then we hope it wasn’t the shellfish because we’ve heard the ceremony goes for ages and that the queue for the toilets is longer than one of Mel Gibson’s voicemails.

Winner: My Stylist Is Also My Nemesis Award

Gabourey Sidibe

Gabourey, we loved the movie Anaconda. We also love the phrase ‘looks like he swallowed a pig’ – it never fails to give Rico the giggles even when he’s more than ten minutes from his next drink. Anyhoo, because of that, your outfit gets the big thumbs up. The only thing is, don’t you think you should have left a little room for the buffet? We hear it’s quite good.

PS – your stylist is taking the fucking piss.

Winner: Most Matronly Hair Award

Minnie Driver

Ok Minnie, I’m only going to say this once: attending the same red carpet event as your ex is your chance to look so flawless that he regrets dumping your ass by fax all those years ago – not walks past and fist pumps so hard George Clooney gets the wrong idea and wastes two hours waiting for him in the men’s room.

And, finally:
Winner: Bet You Didn’t Expect THAT Bitches Award

Emma Watson

Oh EMMA! The only thing more surprising would have been if you’d twirled and birthed out a tiny Lord Voldemort! Mind you, what with your career history, that could be considered a little bit predictable so we take it back! Rico reckons the only shame is that you didn’t go the uber skank route and have a red pleather thong peeking out the top of those pants – but then again, we wouldn’t want you to get into a bitch-you-stole-my-style fight with Ryan Seacrest and head into the auditorium with his ageing, goblinny blood all over your pretty hands.