Monday, September 24, 2007

Stupid lawyer stories (the lawyers, not the stories, are what's dumb)

An excerpt from an email from a colleague that was worth posting (the ones I found less amusing were edited out).

Let me crash through the mystique that the legal profession has built up around itself and reveal the truth: you don’t need to be smart to be a lawyer. You really don’t. And some of these quotes provide further evidence of that. According to the email I received, these are quotes from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, stuff people actually said verbatim in court, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shit'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shit'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last...ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!