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How do women achieve sexual arousal during sex?

Jane ThomasJanuary 16, 2018

Jane Thomas

Some women happily accept the modern media’s portrayal of women as complete sexual beings, for whom spontaneously orgasmic sex is as much of a given as it is for a man.

Other women find that orgasms do not ‘just happen’. Pressure to find answers comes not only from the woman who hopes to enjoy what is supposed to be mutual sexual pleasure but also from her partner who hopes to share his enjoyment of sex with a lover.

The big hole in all the explanations is: what do women use for sexual arousal, that is their psychological arousal, during sex?

It’s fine during female masturbation alone because a woman can focus fully on fantasy. It is likely to be much more difficult for a woman to generate the same conditions during sex.

This has nothing to do with inhibition, personal embarrassment or the desire to put a man’s needs first. A woman’s use of sexual fantasy is like deep meditation. It takes tremendous focus and concentration to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone.

After decades of trying different orgasm techniques with a partner I have not been able to replicate the kind of orgasm that I get from masturbation using fantasy. I do get some really nice feelings from anal stimulation but these are quite different physical orgasms (not the same sense of sexual release).

I am willing to go through the personal embarrassment of revealing the exact nature of my sexual experiences in the hope that other women might be encouraged to come forward and do the same.

Naturally none of us can ever know whether our sexual experiences are ‘normal’ or ‘ideal’. Just as, if we asked someone to say what they enjoyed about a piece of music, there would be no ‘correct’ answer.

Everyone is likely to enjoy different aspects of what they hear in a piece of music. Nevertheless, as a relative philistine when it comes to music, I can still aspire to understand at least some of what can be appreciated by a more informed and more experienced listener.

Likewise my sexual experiences are likely to be different to other women. I read erotic novels as a teenager, discovered female masturbation to orgasm at the age of seventeen and then spent decades trying a variety of orgasm techniques with a partner. How many women put this much effort and enthusiasm into exploring and understanding their sexual arousal?

I have paid money and faced personal humiliation in order to have my sexuality confirmed as completely normal. Yet I have to explain to my daughters that official sex information around the world continues to set unrealistic expectations for female orgasm.

Women with my experience continue to be told that they are sexually dysfunctional. This is not the case. I want to put the record straight for future generations of women. It is wrong that couples continue to be misled by what is published about female sexuality.

It is also not right that there is so little information today to help women understand how to achieve the kind of sexual arousal that leads to orgasm through genital stimulation. No one ever suggests that men’s arousal depends on their loving emotions. Likewise it is inconceivable that anyone would suggest that genital stimulation is irrelevant to male orgasm.

My motivation to pursue this topic has been driven by the unreasonably defensive response I have had from others. I have asked legitimate and logical questions and been totally honest about my sexual experiences. In return, I have been patronised and given emotional answers by people who never volunteer to support their opinions with their own personal experiences.

Women need to tell men that we want different things in return for sex: companionship, mutual respect and mutual support. Orgasm would be great but, if not, then more selfless and sensual pleasuring where they put their own orgasm to one side.