Thanks for your reply. I'm very aware that I'm not getting much support in this area. Being a grown man I should be able to make better decisions and well that is true. But you understood it correctly. It was very helpful to read it. I was mislead and it was a major deception. It's unfortunate but I'm doing better now. I sent her/him a message that was straight to the point and gave me some closure. I'll move on and knowing what I know now with this new experience I'll definitely be prepared if ever faced with this again.

The bigger picture I see is that this is a new epidemic that is happening in our society that previous generations didn't have to face. But if you're younger and dating online or in any trendy club you will come across these transgendered women. And it may not be a problem as Long as it's disclosed but it is the misleading element of it that is disturbing to me. Many men may like these women and they are very attractive and sometimes the better looking of the lot but many men would not want to sleep with a woman who they believed to be a natural born women only to find out later that it was not.

This is not the first time it will come up on forums I am almost certain of that.

I once slept with a transsexual man... It was an awesome experience. He was really clear with me, 'look, I was born a woman, but I'm a man now. Is that going to be a problem for you?'. I was like, 'well I don't know, I've never done this before, but I'm open minded.' It was a good experience for me.

Your mileage may vary.

I'm sorry this person wasn't up front with you. But, given the stigma around being transsexual, I'm not surprised. There is nothing wrong with changing genders. This person would have done the right thing to be clear with you before sleeping with you.

*** Full Disclosure: I'm not transgender, but I have worked with transgender men and women and worked on transgender rights issues for the last several years. ***

I'm going to assume that your judgment of her as a trans-woman is correct and can understand your surprise and hurt that this woman didn't disclose that she was once biologically male. We know that as survivors we can be ultra-sensitive to people withholding information from us, especially related to sexual intimacy.

Ideally, people who are transgender should disclose to their partners before it gets intimate so there are no surprises for anyone. Practically, though, there are lots of reasons why a woman who has been through gender confirmation procedures might not want to bring it up. Violence against transgender women is epidemic and many are terrified of disclosing lest they become another statistic. Many men are less knowledgeable and aren't able to discern that a woman has been through gender confirmation. It's very likely that when you didn't mention it to her after your initial sexual encounter she might have though you were one of those men.

It's also very likely this woman had the horrible experience of being born in the wrong body with the wrong genitals and feeling horror and revulsion every time she had to look in the mirror. Building up to their transition is an incredibly stressful time and once it's passed she would want to forget that she ever had the wrong body and live as who she always was on the inside and is now on the outside - a woman. Many transgender woman (and men) "go stealth" to live fully in their confirmed gender and avoid being discriminated against and marginalized. I've seen this in my own workplace.

None of these are excuses for her failure to disclose, or lessens the impact it had on you. All the same, these are things you might want to consider in mitigation before you speak with her next. I also recommend that you consider applying the "golden rule" in your conversations with her. The experience she has had to live though is as traumatic in its way as childhood sexual abuse. Show her some of the gentleness you'd like to recieve from others as you talk about your feelings with her. Remember that to her she may not believe she has "tricked" anyone because she has always felt she was a woman and she went through a physical and emotional ordeal to affirm that truth.

I'm sorry that you found yourself in this situation, Nomad. No survivor likes to feel as though they have been lied to. I hope you can talk openly and calmly with this woman and share your feelings and what you'd have preferred she had done.

-efm

_________________________Everybody here's got a story to tellEverybody's been through their own hellThere's nothing too special about getting hurtGetting over it, that takes the work

If you are going to do online dating, wouldn't it be simple to just say "No Trannies"?

_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Again, shocking that the onus is being put on me here again by many on this board. Finding excuses for her and why she did what she did is not all that different than finding excuses why an adult would molest a child. There is no valid excuse really. And most people on here agrees with that so why is the fact that she had a hard time living as a transgendered person negate the wrong that she did?

I had a hard time growing up knowing that my father molested me but as a person and an adult given full responsibility for my actions I have no right or excuses for abusing or molesting anyone else.

They are not mutually exclusive. I can have empathy for someone who believes they were born in the wrong body without giving them the green light to go abuse or violate others in the process of working out their trials.

I am a compassionate person with empathy. Who right now is disgusted that I had to experience this. And guess what? I have 100% validity in feeling the way I do regardless whether the majority of people (even those who were sexually abuses) want to acknowledge it. Most people can understand this.

Just imagine 10 heterosexual men who are as good as any other man have sex with a woman 3 times only to find out after that it was not a natural born woman. I can assure you that the majority of them may have felt betrayed, violated, abused, victimized and even disgusted (not worried about their heterosexuality but just turned off by it all). And you might see my point. However there is no advocate for the heterosexual man in this world and I find that interesting.

I'm sorry the tranny was not able to be truthful with you, and I do understand what a massive issue trust is with myself, so I can imagine how betrayed you feel. My experience is that anger is usually connected to feeling helpless, and you are not helpless in this situation. You do not have any power to change others, however you do have the power to take what you have learned about yourself in this situation and take care of yourself. You may need to do a lot more venting about this, and venting feels healthy to me. But, if you plan to do any more online dating, it seems there is a way that you can take care of yourself.

Now, for me, I had a lot of early childhood violence as well as sexual abuse and torture. I am 64 and have been in therapy and in treatments of various kinds since I was 20. Learning to be proactive in caring for myself has been extremely difficult, because I have deep and early programs that say that if I speak up I will be harmed or possibly killed. At 64 I am beginning to break down those old beliefs and know there is no truth to them. I want to support you with your venting and rage at being betrayed. I also want to support you in knowing that you do have some control over what happens to you. It has taken me decades to make some progress with this. I would not want that for you.

Wishing you well,

Don

_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

In case people don't know, the word "tranny" is pejorative and is as discriminatory as saying "f*g" or "n*gg*r" or "k*k*". Please avoid using this term as it is deeply offensive and creates a transphobic atmosphere for any trans-men (and we know there are several) seeking help for their abuse here at Malesurvivor.

Thanks for considering the experience of other survivors...

-efm

_________________________Everybody here's got a story to tellEverybody's been through their own hellThere's nothing too special about getting hurtGetting over it, that takes the work

These replies have been supportive, they are the very real feelings and experiences of fellow survivors. Please understand them as the honest shares as they have been offered. The point that stand out to me, over and over, is that the community here understands that you feel betrayed by someone you gave complete access to, that can trigger feelings of being abused or assaulted. They empathize with your previous sexual abuse and that feeling of being taken advantage of in this situation. The support is palpable.

What you seem to be advocating is for an identification process or something even more invasive for transgender that the community cannot support. That is their prerogative. This is not the forum to discuss that action. We encourage you to continue to express your feelings of betrayal at the lack of disclosure and how that may have triggered the previous abuse memories.

Discussing specific transgender identification behavior or processes is not within our purview.

dude you were acting out. if you were looking for a "mate" to have kids with then you were considering a relationship with someone who said they were going to rape you. Start being honest in your recovery and you will recover instead of acting out. And this is being supportive.

I feel victimized and I feel raped by an undisclosed natural born male. ... shocking that the onus is being put on me here again by many on this board.

You have my sympathies, Nomad, that you entered into a sexual relationship under false pretenses. There are many people in the world who lack the strength or self-confidence to be as honest as perhaps they should be. There are many people who represent themselves as other than who they really are.

From everything you have described, this situation was fully consensual, albeit under an unfair misperception. To come here - a place where rape means the deepest violation of one's boundaries, where rape means one was powerless to stop the sex from happening, where rape repercussed so extensively as to require therapy to sort through - and use it to describe the pain of essentially engaging in a sexual relationship outside your comfort zone, is probably not going to generate much emotional resonance with the members of this forum.

I do not belittle your concerns - I just think it might be more appropriate to address them in a forum designed for discussing adult relational issues.

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