Infertility kinda sucks.

I can’t believe that in less than 3 weeks, we’ll be parents. After such a long struggle, it doesn’t seem like it could ever be possible. Every day I’ve thought “I can’t believe I’m pregnant.” Even though my belly now attracts stares wherever I go. Even though I can see the babies moving around on a very regular basis. Even though I’ve seen them in 3D. Moving. Practicing breathing. Blinking. Their little hearts beating, their chests moving up and down, their (strong) little arms and legs waving around.

Yet here we are. They’ll be here in less than 3 weeks. Either 2 weeks and 6 days, or even less. It’s hard to wrap my head around it, and now that it’s so close, it’s finally starting to kick in – we’re having babies. Two babies. We’re going to be parents. I can barely think about being a Mom – I think I’m still afraid to jinx it. I still have a hard time calling them by their names and “she” and “her” and even “my babies.” They’re usually “the babies” and “this one” and “A” and “B.” I’ve allowed myself to enjoy every day of this pregnancy, but I think I still put a little bit of distance between me and them. Just a tiny bit.

Even after 5 years of dreaming and planning and hoping, I still don’t feel ready. But they’ll be here soon, and life will never be the same, and I am so excited for the road ahead.

It has been a long time since I’ve written here. My main excuses are being busy and tired, but those are both lame excuses and I shouldn’t really use them.

I have a lot of mixed emotions these days. It sort of makes it harder to write about; I can’t really put my finger on exactly what I want to say, and as as result, I just don’t write much. I’ve started to, but then I hit a wall and give up. It’s easier these days to stick with the surface stuff.

The most important things are: the babies are doing good. We’re at 29 weeks (and 2 days) and both babies are healthy, active, and growing at the right rate. We had a scare around 19 weeks when we discovered that the fluid levels were unbalanced, and the doctor freaked us out by mentioning the possibility of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). I was terrified. I just knew everything had to be too good to be true.

But now we’re “stable” and the threat has passed. The babies are the right size – and, maybe more importantly, the same size – and if things started to go bad, they could be taken out and taken care of and have an excellent chance of being a-okay. Obviously we want them to bake for a little longer, but the darkest outcomes have been taken off the table.

Not that something still can’t go wrong – and of course I think about that every day – but our chances of bringing home 2 healthy babies are pretty good, and we’ll take that hope and grab on to it.

I’m nearly halfway there. At least. With twins, there’s a good chance I’m more than halfway there already. I know that I have a good chance of things working out. But I’m still afraid.

I know too many things. In the case of pregnancy, ignorance really is bliss; and I lost that innocence years ago.

Last night I dreamed that we went in for a doctor’s appointment and one of the babies had a really slow heartbeat. The doctor told us that the baby probably wouldn’t make it. And then I started to have signs of losing the baby, and went to the hospital, and without going into details, it was probably the most terrifying dream I’ve ever had.

About a week ago, a facebook friend sent me a message saying that she dreamed I had my twins at 24 weeks. It freaked me out. Probably because I know someone that gave birth to twins at 24 weeks and lost one, while the other one is still struggling in the NICU over 3 months later.

It’s scary stuff.

I’m in sort of a weird place, because if I confess my fears to people I know, most of them will brush them off and say they’re sure everything will be fine. But I don’t want to be insensitive to those who are still struggling to get pregnant or those who really wish for twins, becuase I’d guess their response would probably be to just be glad for what I’ve been given.

And I am glad. So beyond glad. But I’m still afraid that something will go wrong. In the beginning I had dreams of losing one twin. I read how common it was and was in a constant state of terror throughout the first trimester. I kept my fears to myself for the most part, but they plagued me.

Now I’m further along and worrying less, but still not out of the woods. I’m afraid every day. Just one baby would be scary enough, but two is even more frightening.

I’m enjoying my pregnancy. I’m loving every moment of it. Even when I had migraines nearly every day for 3 months, I wouldn’t trade them for infertility. The migraines weren’t nearly as painful. I don’t let the fears keep away the happiness – I want to make that clear. But the fears are there, and I suspect they will be until I’m holding two healthy babies.

I hate that almost 5 years of infertility made me so afraid, but I know I appreciate pregnancy far more than I ever could have without it. So it’s kind of a trade-off. I don’t want to wish away the next 18ish weeks, because I’m thoroughly enjoying them (even though I always have some physical and/or emotional ailment). But I will be glad when these babies are safe in my arms.