Need Wood: An Angry Response to Last Week’s Column

I’m an African-American man furious at last week’s column. You heard of El Nino? Well, I’m El Negro and I’m about to blow you away. Your column made it sound like all black men use black condoms. If your ignorant racist ass knew anything about my people you’d know nothing could be further than the truth. I don’t use black condoms; neither do my friends or their friend’s friends. Black men end up with black condoms in their nightstands the way everyone else does: by accident or because it was free.

I’ve never heard a black man complain about ‘white’ condoms and yet you used some distant controversy in South Africa to make it sound like African-Americans are ready to boycott Trojan for failing to produce “condoms of color.” The average condom looks fine on my black d–k. It does not look white. It appears almost entirely transparent.

Leave it to you to scare more white boys away from African-Americans like me. First you say we use strange condoms, then you explain how we kick our tricks to the curb the minute things get complicated. You need to stay away from racial issues when you write your columns. The clue bus makes regularly scheduled stops and you miss it every time. You owe us blacks an apology.

– The bus driver

Dear Driver:

I haven’t seen a load of s–t like this since my dog got into that bag of prunes I was holding for my editor.

I never said African-Americans regularly use black condoms. I said it’s a good idea for you guys to wear them if it looks and feels better to you.

Let me repeat the key phrase in there for the reading disabled: “…IF IT LOOKS AND FEELS BETTER TO YOU.”

It obviously looked and felt better to the black guy who was the subject of the column. But according to your quivering politically correct sphincter, I can’t say that because somebody might shove it up your ass the wrong way.

What exactly is it that bothers you so much anyway? That white people reading about an isolated incident might think all blacks use black condoms? Even if that were true—and it’s not—so what? What’s your point? You think a white guy’s sexual desire for a black guy hinges on the color of his condoms? Please.

And what’s this bulls–t about “how we kick our tricks to the curb the minute things get complicated?” Who’s “we?” One black idiot over-reacts to one stupid white man’s over-reaction and suddenly that means all blacks are idiots? Don’t put words in my mouth. It’s unsanitary.

By your measure I shouldn’t publish any letters by cranky insensitive Jews, Latinos or Asians because, oh my God, everyone knows that if one Jew misbehaves they all do.

Wake up and smell the coffee, man. Any white guy capable of misinterpreting what I wrote as dim-wittedly as you did wouldn’t be going home with you whether he’d read the column or not. Although, frankly, in the brains department you’d make a perfect match.

Your request to avoid facts is denied. Never mind that at least two major manufacturers make black condoms, never mind that tens of thousands of blacks are buying them, never mind that I quoted an Associated Press story of South African dissatisfaction with “white” condoms, never mind any of that. According to you, I shouldn’t have stated any of those facts because they had the potential for dense readers like you to misinterpret them as an indictment against all African-Americans.

Well, f–k you, El Negro. Storm’s over. A front needs a combination of cooler and warmer temperatures. All you’ve got is hot air. I’ll be damned if I ever stop writing facts just because it might cost the likes of you a couple of tricks.