Monday, August 26, 2013

There
is a dog named Pete. He’s a dopey little thing with short stick legs; the kind
of dog you’d often see on illegally-too-long leashes in the park. Upon meeting
this dog, someone recently exclaimed something to this effect- ‘His name is
Pete? I literally just met another dog named Pete. Literally Pete.’ While the
first use of the sad and abused L word is apparently acceptable now, the second
one was completely inappropriate, ridiculous, and obviously wrong. It made no
sense, but it inspired a scheme in my brain. I’ll get to that. This poor word
is running through a gauntlet of eternal misery. Every time I conquer an
incorrect usage, a newer one is lurking around the corner with a battle axe. If
a building exploded each time ‘literally’ was used improperly, we’d all be
homeless. It’s being thrown around like a live grenade covered in spikes and
bad similes. I’ve accepted that this abuse will not stop but will likely
increase to a clinically-maddening level, but I’m still going to fight the good
fight. I believe ‘literally’ will be used only for translation once again.

So,
on that, everyone is in a big old hullaballoo because certain dictionaries and
other resources have added a definition to the ‘literally’ entry. It states,
and I quote from merriam-webster.com, ‘in effect; virtually’. This has rendered
the term useless. Why? Well, its two definitions are OPPOSITES of each other.
Can a stop sign be red and not red? OK, very funny, one could make a blue stop
sign if one were so inclined. But that’s not what I mean and if you think it
is, play with a toaster in the bathtub. “But the toaster could be unplugged.”
Ugh, you bother me.

Without
getting into a crazy philosophical debate (which I am willing to do), something
cannot be something and also not be that same something. “When is a door not a
door? When it’s ajar!” You’re killing me.

Anyway,
this dictionarial™ addition happened simply
because people are using the word horribly. I know words tend to change meanings
in living languages but I’ve never heard of this. I’m wondering if I start
calling fire trucks ‘buggiblops’ and it catches on like an insanely infectious disease, would it too be added to the
dictionary?

This
unfortunate situation reminds me of another word which has been flagrantly
misused. ‘Anymore.’ For knowledge’s sake, this word must be preceded by some
kind of negative. I don’t set people
on fire anymore. The statement clearly shows that I formerly engaged in bodily
arson, but for various reasons I no longer partake. This grammatical assault
was more common a few years ago, when I overheard a man in Punxsutawney,
Pennsylvania, say ‘It’s all bullshit anymore.” His wordage was incorrect, but I
did and still do agree with him.

Now,
back to ‘literally’, my aforementioned brainscheme goes as follows: What I
would like for myself and people on my side in this war to being doing is
completely destroying the word. I know this is being done anyway, but I’m
talking about savagery. Go to the butcher shop and ask for fifteen pounds of
shredded ‘literally’. For example, say things like this:

‘That
tree is literally.’

‘My
literally name is Rob.’

‘I
literally did a literally job.’

Beat
the life out of this word. Use it where it can’t even be disguised as making
sense by some stupid Redcoat dictionary. Use it as an adjective, noun, verb, or
even a part of speech that doesn’t exist.

‘Literally
is going to literally the literally.’

What!?
Saying things like this will get you some pretty strange looks, however take comfort
in knowing that you gave these looks first to the people who began this whole
atrocity.

Post-script:
I was going to name this post ‘Literally The Third’ since it’s the third in my
thusfar unheeded series, but I opted for ‘Literally III’. This is clever
because it says the same thing but III also looks like the word ill. You’re
welcome.

Post-post-script:
Off-topic, and perhaps this could be another useless post, but I recently had a
nice discussion with two Italians about the use of ‘You’re welcome’ as a
response to being thanked. I think it makes no sense. Here is what does make
sense- ‘Hey, this is your first time to my house. You’re welcome.’ It’s a
gestural statement. ‘Thanks for helping me move my couch.’ ‘You’re welcome.’
‘To what? The couch? But it’s already mine. And it smells funny.’ This is how I
see it: As usual, the Europeans have it right. Bitte. De nada. De rien. Prego. Tað
var so lítið. Khahesh mikonam. Не за что!

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

I had a
good semi-insult recently... I had a bad cold and was at work because I
obviously wouldn't call out if I was actually sick. I had slept horribly the
night before. My co-worker told me that he slept horribly as well because his
rude baby kept waking him up. He tried to make it seem like his lack of sleep
was worse than mine, to which I responded, "Well, I didn't choose to have a cold." Nice!

I think
babies are awful. Everything about them. But apparently I’m in the minority
with this opinion. People throw words around like ‘cute’ and ‘precious’ and ‘not-awful’
when describing babies. Some parents are even "proud" of their
babies, whatever that means. How can any of these words be used to describe useless
lumps of nonsense that contribute nothing?

Even
before the kid is born, there's so much focus on it. Baby showers, the
remodeling of rooms, books and doctor visits and breathing classes and whatever
else happens. Then the kid is born and it just sucks money and time and sanity from
otherwise-decent people.

Did you
ever try to talk to the parent of a baby? I say 'try' because all you can do is
attempt without succeeding:

'Did you
watch that crazy game last night?'

'No, I was
putting Baby to bed and then just watched her for four hours.'

'Doing
what?'

'Sleeping.'

'You suck
now.'

Even when
the kid grows up a little, it's impossible. 'Hey, want a beer?' 'Well, I don't
know because... [looks away] Balthazar Horatio Girdlestaff! Do not eat the lawn
fertilizer!'

You have
to tell the kid this? What an idiot.

And what's
with this thing where people simply refer to Baby? Gerber and other such
companies say things like, 'This is what's good for Baby.' Who is Baby? Isn’t
she in the corner somewhere? Did that reference make no sense? Am I supposed to
feed pureed carrots to the stripper who lives down the street? Does that
question make even less sense? 'Because you care so much for Baby.' No, YOU
care for YOUR baby. That's how it works.

How it
doesn’t work is by asking me if I want to hold a baby. Why would I do this? Oh,
to bond? Over what!? Does the kid listen to Viking metal? Has the kid read the
latest issue of National Geographic? Does the kid manage a hilarious yet
poignant blog? No, no, and no, in an ocean of no-ness. The only thing we have
in common is that we burp, but I can control it and (usually) won't do it like
a rude jerk while everyone is eating dinner. Plus my burps are loud and
awesome. And for another win, I don't spit up unidentifiable muck when I burp!

So, not to
be outdone by these aforementioned “proud” parents, here is my list of words to
describe babies:

Ugly

“Aww, your
baby is beautiful.” –something I’ve never said because it would be a lie

You might
think it's beautiful that your microscopic sex genome created a living being,
and that's fine. But please don’t pretend your baby does not look like an alien
from the planet Hideous. Actually, if you gave an alien from the planet Hideous
a crayon and it drew what it thought an alien baby looked like, that would be
what your baby looks like. They’re all ugly, fat, lumpy masses of gobbledygook.
(One could say the same about Americans in general and I would not argue.) I
mean, even the two most beautiful people on Earth (myself and Kristen Stewart)
would have an ugly baby. Sure, it would grow up to be an orchestra of visually-appealing
glamour, but who wants to wait that long?

I’ve
always wanted to run this experiment: After a baby is born in a hospital, it’s
placed in a room with lots of other babies so they can all scream and be awful.
I’ve heard it said that the new mother would naturally be able to tell which
baby was hers. I say prove it. And if she picks the wrong one, she’s stuck with
it. More like motherly inSTINKt. Nice.

And for
the adults who are not the parents of a particular baby, don't tell one of the
parents, "Oh he looks just like his mommy." Unless Mommy is also an
alien from the planet Hideous (assuming, of course, that their looks remain
constant throughout their alien lives), this is untrue. The child is an
amorphous, featureless blob that isn’t worth looking at. Mommy, on the other
hand, might be something to look at after she loses the baby fat.

Which
brings me to…

Gross

Have you
ever changed a diaper? I sure haven’t. Do you know what’s in a diaper? Yeah,
that stuff. And that other stuff. And probably more gross baby stuff. I don’t
want any of that on my hands, clothes, floor, or walls. And what’s this about
boys peeing while getting a diaper change? This is cute? No, it’s urine in your face. I’m thinking you deserve it.

I’ve also
heard parents talk about their babies spontaneously vomiting all over them. This
is not sweet or darling. This is unacceptably offensive to all the senses.

Have you
ever watched a baby eat? I don’t mean awkwardly staring at a mother with her
boob plopped out at the mall food court. I mean spoons full of goop that the
kid “gets more on him than in him.” Here’s a free parenting tip- Take a cup of
yogurt and dump it directly on your baby’s forehead. Its face will be covered,
but that’s what happens anyway, right? The kid will flail around and probably
half of the yogurt will end up in its mouth. Much less effort for a better
result. No airplane zoom choo-choo noises. After ten minutes, spray the kid
with a hose and put it in the crib. But it’s not nap time? Aside from the fact
that all time is made-up and irrelevant, the kid doesn’t know what time is. This
will teach the child, ‘Put in the crib, time to shut up and sleep.’

And baby
fat… After the birth, there are not only one but two chubby gross messes to
avoid. Again, gross.

Horrible

By
'Horrible', I mostly mean rude:

‘Hey,
child, here's not just life, but food and clothing and toys and attention.’

‘That's
nice but I'm still going to CRY and SCREAM for no reason.’

By
‘Horrible’, I also mean horrible. Babies aren’t good at anything. For instance,
do you know how long it takes a newborn giraffe to begin walking? An hour! One
single, solitary hour! When do baby humans start walking? I don't know. Six
months? Six years? Regardless, I promise you it is NOT one hour. And when the
calf does walk, there are no pictures taken or dreadfully glowing faces to be
seen. Mama Giraffe thinks, 'Right. Now eat some leaves and if a hyena comes
near you, kick it!' Oh yeah, baby giraffes can not only walk, but kick.

Baby
giraffes: 2, Baby humans: -876489164932864

Stupid

The most
obnoxious thing parents say goes something like this: 'I'm not saying this
because he's MINE, but my son is really smart.’ Two things: 1) Your son is not
smart. If he looks in your direction when you call his name, he's reacting to a
sound. He doesn't know his name or your voice or anything else for that matter.
And the triangle block ONLY fits in the triangle hole. This isn’t rocket
surgery. Parents love to pretend the trivial things their babies do are
brilliant and miraculous. Your child won’t do or say anything impressive for a
long time, if ever. 2) You are, with complete certainty, saying the kid is
smart because he is yours. Have you ever said the same about someone else's
baby? Has any of your friends noticed this brilliance and commented on it? No
and no. Get it?

Babies
just look around and make fart noises because they don't know anything. That’s
the definition of stupid. It’s actually not, but it works for me.

For one
more thing, once your child hits the year mark, stop referring to its age in
months only:

'Oh, how
old is your kid?'

'Sixty-two
months.'

I have no
problem doing Math but I shouldn't have to in order to figure out your stupid
kid's stupid age.

FAQs

Weren't
you a baby once?

Yes, and I
was ugly and gross and horrible and stupid. Luckily, I grew out of it quickly
and am stunning and usually clean and awesome and undeniably clever.

Do you
think babies in your family are awful?

If there
were any, I would surely think so.

Does all
of this mean that you never want to have a baby?

Shut up. My
main goal was simply to rain on everyone’s parade.

OMG dont
ur friend's have baby's? Do u think there ugly 2?

Yes and
yes and your lack of grammar skills is nightmarish.

And on
that note… To my friends: I do not hate your babies. I just don’t want to hold,
look at, smell, hear, see pictures of, or be anywhere near them. Just one time,
I will look at your baby, think everything I’ve just stated, and ask where the
bourbon is so I can have some drinks before I overhear Goo-Goo Ga-Ga Time. As
your child grows, I want to help so it to recognizes my face and eventually calls
me Uncle whatever. But I will not participate in any discussion involving
diapers, formula, or having no time for yourself. You made this bed, now lay in
it for ten minutes until your kid starts screaming.

There is a
saying from the Old English that goes, 'Children should be seen and not heard.'
I agree with the second part.