Plains of Hoylake demand Attenborough cameo

At times at the 135th Open in Hoylake, it has seemed that it might be more appropriate for commentary to be provided by Sir David Attenborough as opposed to Peter Alliss. There are areas of the Kalahari more verdant than the fairways of Royal Liverpool in their present state, and one half expects the familiar tones of that national treasure to drift across the airwaves, alerting the audience to the impending arrival of a herd of wildebeest or antelope over the crest of a fairway.

Indeed, the velvety-green photograph of the course which adorns the special Open issue of the glossy magazine Golf Course Architecture bears as much resemblance to the parched reality as a Madame Tussaud's waxwork traditionally does to the celebrity on whom it is modelled.

"There's links and there's links," as one faintly uncharitable observer remarked yesterday, but we are of course fortunate that the alluring Royal & Ancient chief executive Peter Dawson has been on hand throughout the championship to explain that this is all exactly as planned.

"We like hard, fast conditions," he declared earlier this week, in a manner sadly not as risque as it sounds. "The course is pretty fiery. The task of the greenkeepers over the past few days has been to maintain those conditions whilst not letting the extreme heat that we are experiencing do any permanent damage to the course."

The fact that Royal Liverpool has been operating a scorched-earth policy has certainly provided everyone with plenty to talk about this week. As a nation, we have yet to become as obsessed with our weather as, say, our American allies, who devote entire channels to the sport of watching pavements melt or plucky correspondents get almost blown off balconies somewhere near the eye of a hurricane.

Nevertheless, the extraordinarily arid conditions have proved the main talking point outside the ropes at Hoylake over the past couple of days, allowing people to temporarily indulge themselves in the fantasy that they are living in the 1950s, except without the austerity years hangover.

"It's fantastic," said Hoylake resident and committed golf tourist Jason Calley yesterday, as he trailed Tiger Woods over the sweeping plains to the 12th.

"It almost makes you think you don't ever want to go and watch on some perfectly watered course again, because it's just produced some brilliant shots. I've heard one or two people making snooty remarks but stuff them, to be honest. It's about entertainment, and it's great that it's so different from the norm."

The business of appreciating the old days and old ways has coaxed an amusing array of euphemism from those keen to record the ground conditions for posterity.

"The moon might offer more colourful terraina" says USA Today. "As dry as any layout anyone can ever remembera" says the Associated Press. "Punctuated by a small patch of ground with a vague hint of coloura" says the Calgary Sun. "Those are the greens, burnished to pale golda" says the official Open website.

Yes, it sure is brown out there.

Indeed, a specially formulated joke doing the rounds poses the question: "What's brown and covered in Scousers?" The answer, with apologies for insulting your intelligence, being Royal Liverpool golf club. All that is truly lacking is a kind of R&A comedian laureate, who could wander the course opening biting one liners with the words "I'm not saying it's parched out there, but ..."

Tragically, the one person whose opinion on these quixotic conditions cannot be sought is Royal Liverpool's erstwhile head greenkeeper Derek Green, who kept the course for 20 years, but died of cancer at the age of 58 only months before he could see his dream of the Open being played on his course become a reality.

Back in the clubhouse, former colleagues of his are proud to point out that Mr Green's funeral cortege completed a lap of honour around the course. Were he around to make the same journey today, one can only wonder what he might of made of the fact that his russet-hued fairways and greens are the hottest talking point around.