Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Hi there. I recently became involved with a beautiful girl who has fulfilled all the things I ever wanted in a woman. Smart, funny, driven, loving, and so forth. The feelings are reciprocal too, which is an amazing feeling. I feel extremely lucky. (The number of times I unthinkingly used the word "feel" or "feeling" should be an indicator of how happy I am.)

A couple of weeks ago, she revealed to me that she is what to me (as an outsider to the BDSM community, with all my stereotypes that come from benign ignorance) seems to be a "textbook" sub. She wants to submit completely to me sexually, let me humiliate and degrade her, take her completely in my thrall, have her will subsumed by mine. We have done some light D/s play with ordering her to do this or that act, light slapping of various parts, hair-pulling, responsible choking, and so forth. However. :) There is always a however.

While on one level I find this profoundly erotic, sexually satisfying in a way I have never been sexually satisfied, it also frightens me a little bit. When I was married to my ex-wife we did some of this "light" BDSM but I never really unleashed this Dom facet that I know is inside my brain to the extent my beautiful girlfriend needs me to. She is amazing in so many ways; emotionally healthy; upbeat. I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in.

When I say I am "happy to do this for her," I mean it is very sexually satisfying for me as well. I'm not just doing this because she wants me to. I do it because it is something I enjoy as well.

I work hard to be very nice, respectful, considerate in my life without allowing myself to be a doormat. It is nice to unleash my inner Type A in a way I know it will be appreciated and respected.

Can you please provide some input on maintaining a healthy long-term relationship with aggressive D/s features.

Thanks.

I found George's email very interesting. He seems to be a lucky man!

I replied in the following manner:

I really do not think you need to worry at all. She is enjoying this approach and you have discovered in yourself a satisfaction you have never felt before. So do keep to it. I think it will strengthen your relationship not harm it.

You are worried that you may lose the gentleness, care and tenderness that you see as part of your relationship. A healthy and essential part of it. You are right to want to keep this. However I believe that side can be even stronger in a D/s relationship. There is great tenderness in comforting, calming and loving a sub after a hard scene. I think such tenderness is perhaps rare in a normal relationship. There is a real need for such comfort and care. It is very loving.

In my most intense real time relationship, with a sub who was very submissive and perhaps even masochistic, we would walk hand in hand sharing our love and care for each other like any loving couple. There may be those who insist their sub walk two paces behind them. There may be a place for such activity at times but there is no need to lose the tenderness from your relationship. I think that was part of the reason for setting up the original Pygar blog - as a kind Dom. It may seem a contradiction. However the popularity of Pygar's blog has shown that it is an approach that is welcomed by many subs and Doms. I hope it works for you both.

If it doesn't and your girlfriend wants something different - then you will need to talk openly and discuss what will work for both of you. But as the dominant partner she may welcome you deciding how you want the domination to work and being clear about it - whilst ensuring you are meeting as many of her needs as possible.

You have discovered the other side of a strong and powerful person who craves giving responsibility to someone else for a while. There are many powerful men who pay to visit Dominatrices to enable them to give up their power and responsibility for a while - to have someone else take control and care for them.

So taking control of your girlfriend is truly caring for her. Relieving her of her responsibilities is an act of love. You are both gaining satisfaction from it. The only "right way" in D/s is the one that works for both of you.

Enjoy. Have fun. Be happy.

Good luck!!!!

George and I would both be interested in input from other readers. What do you think?

The Purpose of This Blog

Through writing my blog Pygar - A Kind Dom I receive a certain amount of mail. Some of this mail is asking for my advice and support - occasionally about some serious and difficult subjects. I always try to reply as helpfully as I can but am aware that my knowledge and wisdom is limited.

The purpose of this blog is to air some of these requests for advice publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. If I feel that any advice does not meet that requirement I will delete it.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing here - then please email me.

Helpful Books

These books have been recommended by readers of this blog. If you have others to suggest please email me.

The Loving Dominant, by John WarrenSM 101, by Jay WisemanConsensual Sadomasochism, by William A Henkin Ph.D and Sybil HolidayThe New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. HardyThe Master's Manual, by Jack Rinella.Partners in Power: Living In Kinky Relationships, by Jack RinellaDifferent Loving:The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by Gloria Brame, William D. Brame and Jon JacobsScrew the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller, Molly DevonThe Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. LisztThe Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle

About Me

A Dom who feels he doesn't fit into the mould of "Dom-ness" trying to explore his own nature and feelings and some thoughts about D/s.
Pygar was not a Dom. He was an angel. He was also blind. But he did get to shag Jane Fonda!