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} (IMPRESSIVE SOUNDING THEME MUSIC: Bud-dum-dum-dum DUM,} buh-dum-dum-dum-DUM!) "Hello, my name is John Walsh, and welcome to} America's Most Wanted. Tonight's special guest criminal: He's known in} some circles as the Supplicant Of Sam, and his crime is....providing} Internet! Before we spotlight this monster and his reign of terror,} let's interview some other convicted Internet Providers."}} (Scene changes to a prison cell. A man in thick glasses dressed in a} bright orange prison uniform stamped "MAXIMUM SECURITY" sits, fidgiting} nervously)}} JOHN WALSH: "Here we are Ohio State Penn, talking to the infamous} founder of the 'Cleaveland Crime-Net', and who was a Internet Provider} to thousands of people, including children. So, why did you ever start} pushing Internet?"}} PRISONER: "Well John, there's always going to be a demand for Net} Access. I just game the people what they wanted."}} JW: "Let me get this straight...you knowingly provided Internet to} children and pregnant women?"}} PRISONER: "They wanted to buy, I wanted to give it to them. It's the} American Way, right? Hey, it's not my problem..."}} JW: "Oh, puh-leeze. There are Net.Junkies out there who would sell} their mother's own teeth for their own newsgroup!"}} PRISONER: "Let's get something straight, John. It's okay for the} MegaCorps like Prodigy and Compuserve to poison millions of people's} minds, but if a free enterpriser like me tries to get a piece of the} pie, well, that's wrong? I didn't FORCE these people to log on. They} did that on their own. Hell, the folks down at AOL should be lined up} and shot then..."}} JW: "You disgust me."}} (scene fades back to the America's Most Wanted set)}} JOHN WALSH: "So, reports indicate that the fiend we're looking for} (picture of supplicant comes on the screen) was last heard from trying} to set up illegal net connections from South America. His plot was} foiled when the FCC raid turned up the EtherNet cards he was trying to} smuggle in, hidden in bags of cocaine. But those specially-trained} bloodhounds owned by the FCC can sniff out circuit boards right through} ANYTHING. But he got away, but we think he's somewhere in California} trying to establish a FTP sight... (holds up hand to microphone in ear)} What? Folks! I just received a report that a Federal Marshall who's} been tracking his has caught up to him at the Hoover Dam! Let's go to a} live feed.."}} (scene abruptly changes to the interior of a large drain-pipe inside of} the Hoover Dam. The Supplicant is at the very edge of the pipe, looking} down at least a 200 foot drop into the raging waters below. In front} of him is a US Federal Marshall, dressed in black, pointing a handgun} at him.)}} MARSHALL: "Get down!"} SUPPLICANT: "But...I didn't do it..."} MARSHALL: "I don't care."} (Supplicant hesitates, looks at the drop behind him, and dives out of} the pipe into the maelstrom below, as the Marshall looks in stunned} disbelief.)} SUPPLICANT: (fading) "..all I wanted was my own domain naaaammmee..."}} You owe the Oracle the address of the local Internet Anonymous chapter.

> Here on Earth, we humans play "God Games",> like Civilization and Populous.>> Up on Olympus, some of the lesser gods> have to do the same sort of thing for real,> to earn their keep;> but the Oracle is above all that.>> O great Oracle, who is free from all compulsion,> I beg you to enlighten me:>> I was playing Civilization, and I got this big headline about> "Religion cancels effect of Oracle".>> Just what *was* your effect before it got cancelled?>> P.S. I patched my CIV.EXE from> 2b00 1400 3600 0e00 0d00 1d00 2200 7f00> to 2b00 1400 3600 0e00 0d00 7f00 2200 7f00> and now the Oracle lasts forever...

} Supplicant, it is nice to see people making constructive use of their} time for once. and so I will give you a quick and succint answer to} your question.}} In the final version of Civilisation, the Oracle increases the effect} of Temples until Religion is invented. However, the original version of} Civilisation was considerably larger than the one released in the} shops, featuring many more discoveries and improvements.}} The most important of these was as follows:}} Civilopaedia entry: Internet}} The INTERNET is one of the most important discoveries in the history of} Civilisation. It was the first true mass communication system, and soon} replaced outdated concepts like TELEVISION and WRITING. The major} advantage of the INTERNET is that it allows the construction of the} ORACLE wonder.}} Requires: Computers, Coffee, Space Travel}} Allows: Oracle Wonder}} Civilopaedia entry: Oracle Wonder}} The USENET ORACLE is the greatest of the nineteen classical wonders of} the world. Given a sufficient supply of COFFEE it can solve all the} problems of Civilisation at no cost. The development of the INTERNET} led to the availability of this service increasing to such an extent} that it could reach everybody. This wonder makes all your citizens} happy, increases the movement rating of all troops by 6, makes your} cities invulnerable to attack and makes all other nations offer to make} peace.}} Requires: Internet}} Cost: 600 shields and 500 gallons of coffee} Maintenance: 4o/turn}} You owe the Oracle 4o.

> Great Oracle..>> This week I have finals here at South Gwinnett High school.> Do you have any advise to pass my classes. I have a 69.6 in english, a> 100 in band, a 68.8 in Chemistry, a 74 in German, a 68.4 in World> History, and a 64.4 in Algebra 2. Help me oh wise Oracle! What am I> to do?>> matthew_v_redfoot@sghs.edu

} Indeed, something must be done *picks up phone*}} RING}} RING}} {nasal receptionist} "Hello, South Gwinnet High School, Margery} speaking..."}} {Oracle} "Yes, hello, Oracle here, supreme ultimate uber-being of the} universe. I understand you have a Matthew V. Redfoot in} attendance there?"}} {Marge} "Why, y-yes, Mr. oracle ..."}} {Orrie} "Everything's fine, Margery, relax, there's a good lass, no} *ZOT*ting today, I just want to clear up this little matter of} Michael's grades.}} {Marge} "Oh ... I'm afraid they're not terribly good, Mr. Oracle"}} {Orrie} "Mm-hmmm, well that--"}} {Marge} "He's a *nice* boy, Mr. Oracle, and plays a lovely oboe, makes} you weep to hear it ... but he just doesn't *apply* himself in} his other classes ... especially Algebra 2--"}} {Orrie} "MARGE!"}} {Marge} *quivers audibly*}} {Orrie} "Listen carefully, Marge ... Matthew V. Redfoot is a musical} *genius* ... that oboe that makes you weep is *wasted* on South} Gwinnett High School. Mike is one of the most talented oboe} players in the *world* do you understand me?}} {Marge} "Well, I don't know about that, Mr. Or--"}} {Orrie} *growls inarticulately in movie-monster-voice*}} {Marge} "Well, he *is* only second chair, Mr. Oracle, and little Lacey} Liebchen who has first chair gets all Bs ...}} {Orrie} "Liebchen, you say? Cheerleader? Officer in a dozen} different clubs? You honestly believe she's ever *earned* a} single grade in her life??"}} {Marge} *icily* "What are you implying, Mr. Oracle?}} {Orrie} "Marge, let me tell you something ... sometimes genius isn't} cute. Sometimes it's not perky and it doesn't giggle and it} isn't president of the student-freaking-council, you got me?} *Sometimes* genius looks exactly like Matthew V. Redfoot."}} {Marge} "Sometimes genius has acne, you mean?"}} {Orrie} "Yes, in fact, it usually does. Bad skin and genuine, pure} talent are on the same gene, you see. Now, do you really want} South Gwinnett High School to get the reputation for} suppressing true genius?"}} {Marge} "Well, no ... we're quite proud of the reputation we have now} as the best-landscaped school in the district.}} {Orrie} "Good. Then listen carefully ... *whispers*}} {Marge} "mm hmm ... oh! I couldn't ... well, of course I love my 16} cats ... no! please not my fluffy! ... *sobs* Yes! I'll do} it! ... Goodbye Mr, Oracle ...}} Well, there you go, Mikey ... you can expect a pleasant surprise when} you get your report card. Either that, or you'll be able to break the} bad news to Mom along with a new fur coat in a delightful shade of} tabby.}} Now, about this Lacey Liebchen ... how about if I make her fall madly} in love with you and start planning your wedding even though you only} want to be friends (or casual dating partners) so that you can dump her} cruelly and mercilessly? Yeah ... that's just the ticket.}} You owe the Oracle the number of SGHS's groundskeeper ... Indiana's} still in that "big purple cabbage" phase of landscaping ...

> Oh Oracle most wise,> who understands the tax code of all nations,> who always knows where it is at, whatever it> may happen to be.>> Please find enclosed a sample box of our> new Black Woodchuck ammunition. It is available> in .38, .45, 9mm, and of course .ZOT! It is> guaranteed to leave absolutely no trace of the> little devils.>> If you like our product, more is available in> mil-spec packaging at US $10,000 / box 50.>> Sincerely,>> A. Supp Licant> President of Sales, Improbable Arms Industries>> PS regarding the "Black Rhino" ammunition being offered> by our competitors-- We at Improbable Arms Industries> do not recommend shooting at a Rhinoceros with any sort> of a handgun. They get moody when their lunch is> interrupted.

} Hmmm...}} <the Oracle goes to his gun cabinet, pulls out his trusty .38 and loads} <it with Black Woodchuck ammunition. The Oracle walks out the back door} <of his study and walks to his woodchuck range.}} Pull!}} <A woodchuck files across the field in front of the oracle, who quickly} <takes aim and fires, whereupon a golfball sized hole appears in the} <woodchucks forehead.}} Not bad, but a little underpowered.}} <The oracle next retrieves his .45 Colt and loads it with Black} <Woodchuck ammunition. returning to the range he shouts...}} Pull!}} <Two woodchucks fly across the field, and the Oracle squeezes off} <fires, both of the woodchucks heads disappearing into a fine red mist.}} Much, much better! Still, something is lacking.}} <The Oracle goes to his gun closet and retrieves his double barreled} <sawed-off Zot!gun, breaks it open and loads it with Zot gauge Black} <Woodchuck shells. He returns to the range and again shouts...}} Pull!}} <A solitary woodchuck flies across the field. The Oracle, firing from} <the hip, discharges both barrels at the hapless creature. The} <woodchuck glows bright orange for a nanosecond, and the ceases to} <exist.}} Yes! Excellent! Just the thing for those pesky supplicants. Why, I} might even have time for a nice leisurely hunting trip!}} Why, I think I might just order some. Hmmm, $10,000 a box, that's a} little steep. I Think I'll just...}} <At exactly that moment, a freak cosmic happenstance causes a small} <comet to veer off course and crash into the Earth's atmosphere. Most} <of the comet is destroyed by rentry, but a small fragment survives,} <and, by amazing coincidence, crashes throught the roof of Improbable} <Arms Industries, smashing the Nuclear-tipped Cruise Missile assembly} <area, resulting in am explosion which destroys the factory as well as} <a good sized area of Arkansas. All rights to patents trademarks, etc,} <reverted to the Oracle, who, throughly impressed by the quality of the} <Black Woodchuck ammunition, had just adopted the owner of the company,} <becoming his sole living relative.}} You owe the Oracle more woodchucks for target practice.

> People who work for the government are experts at discussing matters> without acknowledging who is responsible or indeed who even knew> about what it being discussed, or whether it ever happened in the> first place. This appears to be an exciting new development in> English grammar, an addition to the "active" and "passive" voice, or> something. The "evasive" voice, perhaps.>> Can you please explain its use to me?

} While the terminology "evasive" voice is not a priori accurate} vis-a-vis the designations "active" and "passive" the alleged usage} of such a grammatical construction is not compatible with the the} express objectives of the Oracle.}} As for the alleged use of the so-called evasive voice by supposed} members of presumably governmental or quasi-governmental entities} is not a fact, or rumor, that the Oracle can either confirm or} deny.}} Theoretical suggestions that the so-called evasive voice is in} frequent use are typically proposed by opportunistic extremists} whose agenda, in their own way, supersedes the common objectives of} the decent hard-working American people. As such, a dignified} response, or even haphazard consideration of any supposed basis to} their alleged claims would lend an aura of authenticity or} legitimacy where none should exist.}} You owe the Oracle a loop tape of Gen. Colin Powell saying, "I am} unable to comment on that matter at this time."

> <grovel> <kneel> <belch> <excuse me>>> Why are there 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour? It> doesn't make sense, and it's a real pain in the ass.. How come there's> no such thing as metric time, with 100 seconds to a minute, and 100> minutes to an hour? Maybe they could do something about the 24 hour> day, too. And maybe make all the damn months the same length! What> the hell is the story with THAT happy crappy? I can never remember> which months have 30 days and which have 31. There's that stupid song,> of course, but I can't remember if it goes "30 days has September,> April, June, and November" or "30 days has December, August, March, and> I can't remember". Arghh!! It makes me so mad! 52 weeks in a year!> Why the HELL is it 52?!? Just make it 50 already!! Or maybe not..> Just get rid of weeks altogether! 7 days to a week?? What arbitrary> crapola THAT is!>> I guess I just want this all explained to me. And maybe you could> prescribe some valium or something if your not too busy. Well, see ya.> I'm gonna go beat the hell out of something.

} The always-humble Usenet Oracle is proud to announce:}} The Calendar for Computer Programmers:}} Next Month}} F F F F F F F} 0} 1 2 3 4 5 6 7} 8 9 A B C D E} F}} Much simpler than previous models, this is a perpetual calendar that} never needs to be changed. Besides its obvious advantages, note that:}} * There is no 28th, 29th, 30th, or 31st for projects to be due.}} * There are six weekend days and only ten weekdays.}} * Every day is Friday!}} * Since it is labeled "Next Month," you can plan for the} future while you keep all of today to do what really matters!}} * You will never have to worry about system crashes on Friday} the thirteenth.

> A darkened room, lit by an abundance of candles. An altar is visible> at the far end of the room. Large oak doors opposite the altar swing> slowly and silently open. A hooded and shadowy figure steps into the> room and shuts the enormous doors behimd him. He approaches the altar> and kneels reverently. Producing a small furry animal from a cage> beneath the altar and places it on the altar surface.>> "Oh almighty and all knowing Oracle, to whom the world is but a measly> speck of dust, and to whom all supplicants are but skuz, not even the> equal of that under the lowlyest refrigerator, with this sacrifice I> beg of your magnificence the slightest fraction of your immense> knowledge.">> The figure suddenly produces a long wicked knife and plunges it deep> into the sacrificial beast which expires with a rodent-like squeal.> The figure composes itself and speaks...>> "Great Oracle I ask you this one question: If the past tense of "grind"> is "ground" and the past tense of "bind" is "bound", then why isn't the> past tense of "mind" "mound"?>> The figure then assumed a humbled pose, with head bowed, and awaited an> answer.

} The priests of the great oracle quickly move in from the shadows,} taking the small animal and tying it with cord very tightly into a} small ball. They then produce a blender, and insert the poor creature} inside. After a moment of whirring, they dump the contents on the} floor of the temple. They then retreat back to the shadows. As they} leave, a bright light fills the temple. The oracle has arrived.}} "Gee, hmm.. I never was too good at that grammar stuff. Barely passed} the class at ol' Olympus U, as I recall."}} He spies the remains of the poor woodland creature.}} "But, ya know, I never mound having found a soundly and roundly bound} ground mound of fur lying around."}} The light fades, as quickly as it appeared.}} You owe the oracle a.. umm.. oh, never mound.

} Although you flatter the Oracle, deification is not necessary.}} Since the Oracle is currently incarnated in a male, he thought his} opinion might be biased, so he did some polling:}} "They're born that way."}} "It's the testosterone. Studies show that the hormone's effects are to} make people stupid."}} Ah, but these answer the question how it is that men are able to be} bastards, not *why* they are bastards. The answer to that, is -- hold} on, my incarnation wishes to speak.}} (WE CAN BE! WE RULE THE --}} Hmm. Well. He's no help. The actual reason is}} (MEN! MEN! MEN! WOOOHOOO!--}} Excuse me. <zot>}} You owe the Oracle's previous incarnation an emasculation to end his} misery, and you owe the Oracle itself an incarnation that isn't a} bastard.

} [SCENE: A London street, Victorian era, crummy part of town. Urchins,} cretins, and lost souls move about upon their various missions, or} mill around aimlessly in small groups. It is dank, dark, filthy.]}} [A lone FIGURE moves slowly along the sidewalk, trying to shrink} to inconspicuousness. His is a bent, misshapen form, bulging in} places which suggest a frame not entirely hominid. Most striking} of all, his head - which appears to be enormous - is shrouded in a} dirty canvas sack, with a single square cut out to provide a slender} window of vision. He relies heavily on a stout cane as he shambles} and lurches up the street, in a gait which conveys long, unrelieved} suffering and resignation.]}} [As he proceeds, passers and standers by nudge one another, and begin} observing his progress... at first almost surreptitiously, as though} not wishing to intrude, but then with greater curiosity and disregard} for his response to the attention.]}} Cretin #1(loudly, hands cupped): What's with the bag on the head,} then, mate?}} [The figure stops, turns slightly in the direction of the shout,} then turns back and contines on his way, his pace slightly quickened.]}} [Cretins, urchins begin drawing closer to him, begin slowly to} follow him]}} Cretin #2: Yeah, what's with the bag? And what's it made of?}} Urchin #1: Looks like sailcloth, it does.}} Cretin #2: That's not sailcloth. It would have a much tighter weave.} (to Figure): Wouldn't it then, eh, mate? And where'd you get that cane?} Is that ebony?}} Urchin #1: I still think it's sailcloth.}} [Cretin #2 smites Urchin #1 across the brow with a conveniently} available gaffing hook. The FIGURE has increased his pace, the crowd} grows and becomes more vocal, pouring forth questions. Occasionally,} one can be heard above the din:]}} Various Urchins and Creti:} If you can get a carved ebony cane like that, you must have some} money, mate-- how can I get some?} Looks like a nasty stain on those pants, guv. What made it?} How can you get it out?} Where can I find good canvas?}} [The crowd is now a rabid horde, the FIGURE gasps and wheezes as he} tries to keep ahead of them, their prying eyes, their intrusive and} inconsequential questions. He is at nearly a full run, despite his} physical condition. He is pursued down the entryway to the} Underground.]}} Would you like to have your shoes shined?} What _is_ the difference between Shinola and...} What have I got in my pocket?} Why do birds sing?} < null question} What should I have for lunch?} What's 2 plus 2?} Does she love me?} How much is that doggie in the window?} Where did you go on Spring Break?}} [The FIGURE has been chased into the Men's Loo, and is pinned between} two stand-up whizzers. He gathers himself up to his full height,} and casts off the canvas shroud!]}} CRETINS AND URCHINS, AS ONE: GASP!}} FIGURE: Stop it! Stop it! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING! I _AM_ THE USENET} ORACLE! I know ALL! I see ALL! ASK ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT, something} BEYOND your petty concerns, your mundane existence! Ask me a BIG} question, fer cryin' out loud.}} Supplicant: Uh, I want to down load BoneyM lyrics using ftp, can} you...}} TUO (turning to Cretin #2): You! Give me that gaffing hook!}} [CURTAIN]}} You owe the Oracle all your stereo equipment. Incarnated as J\tmf/S