I’m a Walkman girl in an ear bud world

Patty Kimerer

I was having an INXS concert in my ears… well, in office while I whittled away on a press release. The concert came via my Amazon music library on my iPhone and made possible via my ear buds. Sorta.

You see, they kept falling out of what are clearly grotesquely enlarged and hideously misshapen ears. I can never get those little buggers to stay in. And YES, I am putting them in the designated ear but that doesn’t matter. They still won’t stick.

Stupid, big old awkward Patty ears. Hmpf.

I quickly became irritated at the constant, unwanted intermissions and the slightly tyrannical mandate of which bud must be applied to what ear in the first place (really, ear bud makers?). Soon I was longing for my Walkman. Ah, the Walkman: that fabulous, trendsetting portable radio / cassette player of old.

Created by Sony in 1979, it was once the pinnacle in mobile music — especially for the average Joe since there were many affordable options back then. When I was a tween, we all had one and we all loved them.

Sure, the headphones were funny-looking and made your ears sweat but they were also practical and never slipped off because they were secured by an overarching, um, tiara.

OK, fine, it was a hideous plastic headpiece that made me look even dorkier than normal during my awkward “I-got-my-hair-cut-too-short-and-now-people-think-I’m-a-boy” adolescent phase. #Whatever

And yes, you had to manually flip the tape in early versions, but still, the joyful memories it evoked juxtaposed with my ire at my expensive, state-of-the-art and totally worthless ear buds reminded me that certain things were just fine before, thank you very much.

Don’t go all new millennium rage on me; I’m all for the home, office, entertainment and especially medical advancements in technology and all the advantages and conveniences they provide.

It’s just that some things were better in their original form, you dig? Stuff like KFC or Coca-Cola or Ho Hos. I asked around to see if others agreed.

My pal Linda did and cast her top vote for the ORIGINAL original recipe KFC. You know, the way they made it back when the colonel was alive (for real) and we were allowed to call it fried chicken.

My sister, Gina, took the 1983 Nerf foam ball and ran with it, yo.

She started with the Ho Hos. “I want Ho Hos wrapped in foil! And York Steak House sauteed sirloin tips! Bring back Chi-Chi’s and the Slim Jims from Morgan’s Big Boy!”

Speaking of which, Gina was on a roll.

“I miss all the cute Coca-Cola jingles and ‘Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific’ shampoo, plus Band-Aids in tin cans and a bonafide full-service gas station!” (I’m not positive but I think there are a few fillin’ stations down south that still literally wait on their customers.)

My friend Lizzie just wishes TV remotes weren’t so complicated and that they offered a few hundred less options. (Okay, but I DO love my Bravo and AMC shows, just sayin’.)

All my poor niece Kelly wants back is the Oxford comma. #Preach She gets this from me, BTW.

So, if you need me, I’ll be jamming to Culture Club on my Walkman, playing hacky sack and losing a filling on Jawbreakers. I might even splurge with an Orange Julius, because they’re totally tubular.

Kimerer is Tribune Chronicle columnist who just wants Smurf-Berry Crunch cereal okay? Tell her about the things YOU miss at www.patriciakimerer.com.