The Witcher 3 Shifts Focus, Now A Porno

Published March 19, 2018

CD Projekt Red, the Polish development studio responsible for the acclaimed RPG series, The Witcher, have announced that, after some internal discussion, they have decided to change gears for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt and rework it as a hardcore porn game. “We wanted to really highlight what we feel we do best with this franchise as we head into not just the next console generation but also the finale of our protagonist’s adventure,” said studio founder and CEOMarcin Iwiński. “And for us, that’s gratuitous nudity and fucking. Lots of fucking.”

The story will still follow along a similar path meant to conclude the Geralt of Rivia trilogy as he enter a period of unknown dangers, only now according to Iwiński, Geralt’s greatest threat isn’t the Wild Hunt army descending upon the Northern Kingdoms, but rather the timestamp on his own virility. “Geralt is getting older, he’s waged hundreds of battles and defeated countless foes, and he clearly won’t be able to get it up much longer. We really wanted to provide this character, whom we all hold close to our hearts, with one final fuckfest. It seemed like the farewell tour he deserves.”
The game lets you court a long list of characters spanning multiple sexes and races including non-humans, and promises dozens of hours of side quests, including pizza delivery, doctor-patient, and repairman scenarios. Fans hoping to get inside their favorite characters from the previous games in the series will have to wait as CD Projekt Red was not yet ready to share the full list of fuckable NPCs.

“The graphical fidelity of the next-gen consoles really inspired us to create the best dick and boobs ever seen in a game. But it’s not all about the visuals,” promised Iwiński. “Because it’s an RPG, we still want to allow for plenty of player agency both in the story and in the progression of your character, so we’ve tweaked the four tenets of leveling up from The Witcher 2‘s Training, Swordsmanship, Alchemy, and Magic to something more appropriate for this sort of story,” he said, revealing the four new branches: Foreplay, Penis Size, Stamina, and Money Shot.
When asked about how hard it was to rework key aspects of a game this ambitious after years of time in the studio, the CEO assured us it was easier than one might think. “The gameplay mechanics were already in place, to be honest. The hardest part was getting the marketing team to reprint all the promo materials with the game’s new title.”The Witcher 3: Dick Like Magic is due to hit consoles and PC sometime in 2015.