Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Guest Blogger, Eric Klein likes to tell people that the photo he provided demonstrates his lifelong philosophy of embracing the opportunities that life has to offer and his commitment to finding the positives in every situation. But, if you ask his mama, she will insist that it illustrates his powerful hankerin' for birthday cake.

one No matter how spiffy you look with that bath towel (or bed sheet) tied around your neck super-hero style, it won't keep you from hitting the ground pretty hard when you jump off the roof of the tool shed. Trust me on this one. Someday, if you catch me on a good day, I'll show you the scar on my knee that proves it.

two I could tell by the sparkle in your eye that you weren't going to take my advice above. (Adults can always spot the troublemakers. I'd tell you the secret,but they would revoke my lucrative club benefits.) Now that I have your attention.. Boo-boos,owies,cuts,scrapes,bumps and bruises are an unpleasant fact of life. Nearly every one can be taken care of with a damp warm washcloth, a bandaid and in extreme cases, a Popsicle.

three There is undeniable healing power in the hugs and kisses of your family. Science has not completely unraveled the mystery yet, but current research suggests that the hugs and kisses of your family release a microscopic amount of a previously unknown element (unofficially known as snugglebugium). Hard data is scarce, but a wealth of anecdotal evidence suggests that exposure to snugglebugium leads to spontaneous happiness, increased feelings of safety and security, and may reduce the chance of contracting cooties. For best results, apply liberally.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

one Make someone you love some thing. Make a blanket or a hat or some pickles or a Mixtape. Back in The Olden Days, when I was a kid, if somebody really liked you they made you a Mixtape full of their favorite songs or the songs that reminded them of you. Now people build Mix CDs (or play lists, maybe?) - but I think they come from that same place in the heart. When you really love someone (and sometimes if you just like them,) it's pretty easy to make them something that they may treasure to the end. You can do this. I know you. Just make stuff, and keep making stuff.

two Eat oatmeal. It's good for you and it's tasty and it's easy to deal with. You don't have to do it, like, every single day, but you ought to eat it a few times every week. Oh yea! And those envelopes of instant oatmeal, know that they are turbo-sweet. Use half an envelope of the flavored and half an envelope of the plain. You're just cutting the sweetness in half, you'll love it. Nobody needs that much sugar.

three Don't whine. Okay? Just don't do it. Nobody likes a whiner, really - nobody does. If you've got a big ol' bone about something, find that person who knows and loves you the best and get it out of your system. Then, LET.IT.GO. I'm serious here, baby: Whining can seriously jack up your place in the universe. It's larger than just the irritation it causes to those around you ~ It releases whiny energy that gets on others and in the air. I know it's sickeninglycliché, but: Be part of the solution NOT the problem. Anybody worth their salt has suffered and carries the scars to prove it. Now, get over it and move on, little doggie.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

one Look out for the freakin' roosters by the front door. Even if they look like they are just hanging out (all casually,) pecking at food by the entrance ~ those turds are just jacking with you. Do not ever trust a rooster. Roosters will attack you. And, just as some kinda side-bar: If you should ever need a security animal, get a rooster. Those ill-tempered pikers will break some flesh and laugh about it with their posse. NEVER trust a rooster unless you want them to guard the entrance to the castle. I think they drink your whiskey when you go to sleep and they take your car out on country roads after midnight, but I couldn't be sure.

two If you are going to subscribe to Western Medicine, make sure you have insurance or a strong pool of patrons. It costs way too much to be healthy and stay alive in America. Mind your assets. Do NOT get cancer, heart disease or any one of the many long-term, slow-progression terminal diseases. For real. Don't do it. THINK.HAPPY.THOUGHTS. Don't get sick.

three Do not go into the kitchen if you can not handle the heat. It's hot in the kitchen, there are open flames and whatnot. This is as much metaphorical as it is realistic. I wouldn't open that door if I were you and didn't want to get all sweaty and hot. Unless, maybe you're good to go in there because you are starving to death. Otherwise, I would just wait for a sec....

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

oneHalloween can be one of the coolest holidays of the year. Lean into it and treat it with Pirate-ish hands. Rough it up and have fun or make it some kind of statement about who you are and how you roll. Just have fun with Halloween, you can be anyone or anything you want to be. Autumn, all by itself, rocks all the way out loud - but to have a holiday where you get to dress upand people give you candy is just about too much to ask. Important side-bar: IF you live in a land where it could be cold or wet, do NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) think you can be a mummy wrapped in toilet paper. That was a really bad idea and I'm still sorry.

two When you're sitting at the Thanksgiving table, surrounded by your family and the people you love, with food that will fill your tummy and make you smile: Put a black olive on each one of your fingers and sing some kind of song like Pee-Wee Herman while you make your digits dance.

three Instead of getting all wound-up in what you want or what you think you will get for Christmas: Make it a habit to do random nice things for your people (or strangers) as often as you can. This Christmas-time can be a total butt-kicker and buzz-kill for a whole bunch of folks and it's a perfect time to brush up on your Random Acts of Kindnessroutine. It's all about how easily you can think of ways to make somebody else smile. Few things in the world rock as hard as seeing somebody break into a big ol' heartfelt smile - It's about a million times more satisfying than anything you can buy at Walmart.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

one Know that every single person you meet has limitations. We all have some kind of Kryptonite that has the absolute and complete ability to undo us. (Total Sidebar: My Super Human Limitation is that I can get my feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. I can also be tricked way past comprehension, but that is only secondary to my stunning ability to get my feelings hurt. I also don't do blood very well, or injuries, or the pulling of the teeth thing.) Some people have limitations that make it impossible for them to read or do math, or interact within the boundaries of social context, or play drums. We all have limitations and it's your job to figure out what the people on your island do best and what they simply can't do at all. Do not expect your Court Jester to balance your books. Get real.

two Take care of your hearing. Those ears, (like your knees and hips,) are the only ones you are going to get and you would hate to miss a whisper. Sometimes the whispers are the best things you will ever hear. Take care of your ears like you do your back and heart. Wear ear protection if you're going to be operating anything with a 2 stroke engine (lawn mowers, chain saws, weed eaters, etc.) or if you even think you're going to be standing near a 20' tall wall of speakers at a concert.

three"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great."

~ Mark Twain

Don't hang out with people who feel the need to out-do you at every turn. Don't run with the wolves how work too hard to build up their accomplishments and perceived success. We all succeed at and accomplish a whole bunch of things. The people who diminish your accomplishments, or try to make you feel smaller than you are, are only damaged freight; They have limitations that exceed your expectations, get over it.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

one If you've got a little collection of food scraps for the compost pile: Take 'em out before the fruit flies hold a conference on your counter. If you are going to compost you are going to have to deal with it. I would recommend a cool counter-top compost bin.

two No matter how badly you want to stick your finger in a perfectly frosted cake - don't do it, it will make the baker mad. As soon as somebody gets a picture of it, it's open season. But, don't be messin' with the cake until you have clearance.

three Do your best to keep your most major hissy fits (aka: Conniption Fits) as private as possible. Everybody has hissies and they vary in size. Some are itsy-bitsy and others are gigantic. If you're going to go off the deep end, try not to get that on anybody. Some hissies are going to be so big that they'll be reclassified as "Personal Hurricanes" (or tsunamis.) There probably won't be many of those.

Who you is?

I love raindrops on roses and whatnot, but even more than that I totally dig finding dollars in clothes I haven't worn in ages, live
music, social networking and search engine optimization, research,
freecycle.com, homemade beer, home grown stuff, writing, talking, laughing,
green movements, debate, dialog, dumpster diving, time travel, time-out chairs,
psychology, meals that last for hours, pranks, astral projection, meaningful
lives, the kindness of strangers, trains, trucks and tractors, cowboys, horses,
deer, eagles, random occurrences, modern tragedies, small appliances, good socks
and sturdy shoes, shiny objects, painting, playing stringed instruments and
singing harmony, pulling perfect feather pillows out of the freezer on hot and
humid Kansas summer nights, rodeos and county fairs, brokers, organics and
authenticity, my kids, their kids and my huge extended family. I am a hugger and I probably laugh AND talk way too much.