All military spouses are unemployed- No, they’re not. I’ve met a handful of spouses, both enlisted and officer’s wives, that are stay at home wives/mothers or are working. However, I’ve noticed that on both sides of the spectrum, those with one kid or several do not work. Some of them are involved in the FRG or other volunteer work though. I could honestly give a rat what anyone else does as long as they don’t get in our way. I’ve read on numerous sites/Facebook pages that it’s impossible to find a job here in El Paso because it’s such a predominant Spanish speaking community. I DO agree that it’s difficult, but not unattainable. My Spanish has gotten better since being employed, and while I don’t have the exact words to speak back to people sometimes, it’s kinda cool to know what they’re saying in a different language. I joke that I’ll be fucked if we move to Germany next and I won’t know a thing ;)

When I was a stay at home wife, full time student :) Taking this cutie to the dog park!

All military spouses are pregnant- Yep, I agree. Just kidding. I have no idea, but I DO see many young women at the hospital/clinic when I go for my appointments. I heard the super preggo girl in front of me the other day say she was born in 1998 and about crapped my pants. I’m kind of conflicted with this generalization. My husband was married before (when he was enlisted), but they choose not to have kids right away (thank God). I will say that we are out of the ordinary for our age (I’m 29 and he’s 32) and not having any children. Most of the activities on post are children oriented. Bottom line- women get pregnant all the time in general. Men: wear a rubber if you’re not married. Don’t believe that your girl is on birth control or taking it right.

They have a hill of kids at home- I’ve seen families with 3-5 kids and some with none at all (VERY rare). Once again, don’t most families have children? Is it a proven fact that military families conceive more? I wouldn’t doubt it based on the amount of time it takes me to book a god damn doctor’s appointment for something simple, haha.

They wear their service member’s rank- I’ve never really seen this. I have seen it against me though. After it was known that my husband is an officer, it was thrown in my face that “he makes more so we can afford things” and whatnot. UMM, my husband earned what he has because he got a college degree. Seeing that he was enlisted before, he knew how to live on the salary of each rank as well. I’m proud of my husband. Like somtimes, it makes me want to cry, proud. But I’m just his lady…I’ll follow him wherever he goes, but his rank is HIS doing. I am going to make the best out of MY career wherever we go :)

Cold as balls in Georgia, but my pinning my babe!

All military spouses are uneducated- I’m not going to lie. I tend to see on social media that there are many enlisted soliders’ wives not only without college degrees, but with no high school diploma! Unless you’re a rock, graduate from high school. If you don’t want a Bachelor’s degree, at least get an associates or some other type of schooling. Look into MYCAA. Do NOT rely on your husband and his job/income to supplement your lifestyle and bearing children. I’m more of a “what if” happens kind of person…I know if the big D ever happened to us, I’d at least have my degree and experience in my favor. I also see many officer wives that have an education and not working. So yeah. It’s all situational and what works best for your family :)

Tyler MADE me walk…then took me out for brunch ;)

All military spouses are wealthy- Who the eff said this? LMAO.

All military spouses are lonely- Yes, field exercises and deployments are lonely. Some people deal with their loneliness by going out all the time, or unfortunately, cheating. Luckily, I’ve always been a more introverted person. Don’t get me wrong- I love being with my family and close friends, but I can handle being alone. I can organize the shit out of things, read, clean, work out, play with my dogs, make crafts, and cook/meal prep. Work takes up most of my time, but when I’m alone I try to push aside the loneliness by distracting myself with old reruns of TV shows on Netflix or music playing in the background.

My boys have been a huge blessing during TJ’s deployment. They look out for their mommy!

All military spouses are bossy- Uhhh? Never heard this before. NO.

All military spouses are high maintenance- I’ve only met a few this way. I could give two shits about designer brands (on certain things). If you’re that high maintenance, you must come from money.

Alright, so that’s it. What do you think about the military spouse stigma?

So we are in the last stretch of this deployment…Things have slowed down a little bit at work, I made my last quick trip back home to Indiana in January, and now things are just kinda whatever.

Throughout the past week or so, I’ve seen three Facebook pregnancy announcements. Before I go any further, I want it to be known that I’m truly happy – for real. But part of me still gets emotional. I get pissed that we are losing out on 9 months of our lives not only trying to make a baby, but making memories together in the meantime. Then I get ashamed that I’m mad because I’m scared and worried for my husband and his safety.

I cannot control any of this. I CAN control what is in my life now, and I want to write about what I’m grateful for in the present moment.

Family- Tyler and I both have awesome families. My familial situation transpired into a much happier place, and I honestly couldn’t have married into a better family. My brother and sister are my best friends (as is Megan P), and while I don’t talk to my parents all the time, our relationships are better than ever.

Bad photo, but all of us kids with our parents together…and TJ ;)

Me with Tyler’s parent’s, nieces, and grandma…and their dogs, Molly and Mike! My sister and brother-in-law were out of town that weekend I flew home :(

Old picture, but one of my favorites. My MIL with my SIL, BIL, and their two girls!

My uncle and aunt. I can’t talk about them without tearing up…they gave me a true home, support, and unconditional love. I was ashamed and bitter about my immediate family situation for a long time, but I realized had that not occurred, I may not have been blessed with getting to know these two amazing people as I did.

My Best Friend- I don’t talk about my social life on my blog much…but I want it to be known today how absolutely thankful I am for her friendship. I met Megan in 6th grade, and while we’ve had our fair share of turbulence, she is the one thing that has remained constant in my life over the 18 years. Together we’ve endured obnoxious arguments, fun vacations, personal challenges, life lessons, and just everyday bullshit. Megan…I’ve told you before, but you’ve picked me up when I’ve been down, and never judged me. We may have sucked at being roommates, but our friendship is one thing that I have never doubted. You’ve been there for me during my darkest hours and brightest days. I hope that I have reciprocated this friendship. I love you and your family…and thank you for being a part of my life.

7th grade!

My best girl a few days before we moved to Texas. June 2012.

On a different note, I’ve also had to end ties with a friendship or two. Relationships are a two-way street, and if efforts are reciprocated, then really…what’s the point? In addition, people simply grow apart. Instead of dwelling on on the relationship, it’s sometimes better just to face reality and accept that things have changed. And that’s okay :)

Our Dogs- Stiffler has been Tyler’s light and joy since the day he got him (before my time). He’s gone through a handful of mommy’s, but it makes me feel good knowing that he will finally come to me when we are out at the dog park. A few years ago, he basically would look at me say say “F you” and run away :-( As far as Wrigley goes… Tyler asked me what kind of dog I wanted a few years ago. I know we could’ve gone to the pound, but we didn’t. I knew what I wanted. Long story short:

My mom and her ex would go through wild breakups, and in the midst of one, she said we could finally have a dog. I liked my ex’s dogs, which were Weimaraner’s, but wanted something smaller. It was between a vizsla or a German short-haired pointer. We found a breeder in Michigan that had vizsla’s up for adoption, so that’s what we went with. We all drove 4 hours to pick out/up our pup…Chris and Kath were playing with the puppies, and while I stood in a corner and one little guy ran up to me and just sat there, starring at me. I scooped him up and he was the cutest, most loving, and calm puppy ever. I promptly went over to the kids and my mom and said he was the one. And his name was Charlie.

I can’t go through old photos, so here is one I found on Facebook of CharChar.

Much more goes into this, but I couldn’t have Charlie, so my ex took care of him after we broke up. I’d still go to see him from time to time or we would meet at the dog park, but it wasn’t the same- and it broke my heart. I was working and going to school, trying to get my life on track. I vowed NEVER to get a pet again until I was financially secure. Then enters Tyler. It may sound effed up, but I wanted another vizsla. I loved Charlie (he was unfortunately aggressive towards some women and children, but NEVER towards me), and TJ and I even tried to figure out how we could go get him (unfortunately, wasn’t possible). I found a breeder outside of San Antonio, and TJ didn’t hesitate. We drove there and back to verify and pick out our pup, then there and back again after he was ready to come home. Although we knew we wanted a male, I couldn’t decide which puppy, so I made Tyler. And he chose the fattest….Wrigley was seriously pawing and making noises at his brothers and sisters in the fenced in area, haha.

Cutest little disaster ever!

This little guy is the light of my life. He follows me everywhere- even into the bathroom. I’ve taught him to sit, lay, and shake….woo! He sleeps with me at night- HAS to be laying on me somehow- his head, legs..anything! On a side note, I truly do love Stiffler, and I’m happy that Wrigley can help keep him young. Stiff is well-mannered, isn’t a lunatic, and comes when I call him. We’ve come a long way ;)

A few weeks after we brought Wrigley home. One of my favorite photos.

My Job- Keeps my busy and I work with some awesome people. I’m not a field I’m educated in (in certain aspects), so it can be challenging, but I’ve learned a lot thus far. I’ve also made peace with not beating myself up over where I’m at in my life career-wise. But you know what? I have an amazing husband of over two and a half years who would do just about anything for me and supports me. We have some future endeavors in mind that I’m excited about, so I know this chapter in my life isn’t forever. It’s merely just a stepping stone ;)

I can’t freaking wait until Tyler comes home. I’m excited and scared and nervous all at the same time…Until then, I’m going to get our house in order. I’ve already filled two huge garbage bags of stuff we don’t need/want anymore (we meaning I, haha), and started deep cleaning. Cleaning blinds is a bitch BTW.

Quick update on things. Last cycle started on February 6th…so it’s been about 6 weeks. I got labs on cycle day 22 and cycle day 27ish …cd 22 showed that my progesterone was at .46 or something which resulted in a huge sob session and calling my mom ;) I honestly haven’t bothered looking at what the second labs read. It’s in my history, and I’ll find out eventually. Since I haven’t started a new cycle, I’m sure it’s not good.

I have an appointment next Friday, March 27th, with my first OBGYN. If you’ve been reading for a while, you’ll know that she was the one we initially saw when we sought infertility treatment, but we happened to get pregnant on our own a few weeks prior to our appointment. She went on maternity leave (after going through 2 rounds of IVF herself!); hence, why I was seeing another doctor. My current doctor (who is awesome!) is deploying in April, so it only made sense to go back to who we saw before as she is back from maternity leave.

This doctor is also the one who said we should start saving our pennies as IUI runs about $1,000 PER cycle…and IVF is obviously way more…but first things first. Both doctor’s concluded that I have an ovulatory disorder; thus, don’t frequently ovulate on my own. All of the lab work I have had done the past year has verified this. There have only been TWO cycles where my progesterone has been decent and showed signs of (weak) ovulation…but ovulation, nevertheless (both occurred in the Fall while TJ was deployed).

Had to insert something to break up the text, haha.

I mentioned this before, but we truly believe that birth control masked this issue. I was on it for 10 years (with a few months here and there when I wasn’t due to insurance reasons), and I’d sometimes be late even when being on BC though I was a mad woman about taking it at the same time each day (I’m sorry, but if you forget to take the pill all the time, you’re a moron and need to get that shot or something instead…not that hard to remember!).

I don’t really have much to ask my doctor next week aside from what she thinks the next step should be and when can Tyler get another semen analysis done (sometimes the soldier has to schedule it himself). His came back normal last time (whatever that means…I never saw the actual reports…she just said they’re normal), but he was told that his vaccinations could affect things. His shit better be flying colors as we have enough issues with my lady parts ;)

I think I’ll ask her about Clomid vs. Femara again. Clomid is more well-known, but has more serious side effects (thin uterine lining and ovarian cancer). If anyone has any advice/insight to this, PLEASE let me know! I took Clomid twice and my progesterone was at about 19 the first time and 13 the second time. However, I had a vaginal ultrasound after the second round and I was on cycle day 32 and the tech said I should expect a period within two weeks based on her examinations…UHHH what? I believe it thinned my already thin uterine lining, but who knows.

I’ll have better pictures to share once my husband gets home ;)

TJ’s deployment has given us the opportunity to examine things. We’re both so grateful for Tricare for covering the monthly labs and doctor appointments. There is a 3-6 month waiting list to see the ONLY Reproductive Endocrinologist in El Paso, so it might be best to just wait until we move to Arizona next year. We shall see :)

Trying to conceive and religion. Yes, this is a touchy and taboo subject, but I’m going there. More specifically, gearing more towards miscarriages and infertility and trying to conceive. This post is coming from my heart- what’s been on my mind lately.

I very recently came across a blog post with a pregnancy announcement which is awesome news. I want to make it clear that although these announcements tug at my heart and sometimes make me shed a tear or two, I’m genuinely happy for the couple. However, this announcement made me slightly cringe for the following reasons. She was bitching about not conceiving although only trying for a mere 4-5 months. Yes, weeks and months drag when you’re TTC, but come on now. I know blogs are a place for people to express their thoughts and opinions…but some people may give the side eye when hearing others complain about bringing a second/third child into the world is taking too long on their specific timeline.

What irked me the most was the comment “God is Good!!!!” and “Everything happens in God’s time!” when conveying the announcement. Alright lady. So God is good to you…but what about me? Or the thousands of other women who have experienced a loss or infertility or just simply trying to drop a damn egg and ovulate on their own?

Is it because God doesn’t feel like the time is right? Or because he doesn’t think they’d be good parents? Or because they aren’t suited for each other?

I’m sorry, but I think it’s downright rude. Would God like you to be rude and condescending? I don’t think so.

It’s simply a matter of freaking science, although many may disagree. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t be spending so much time with doctor’s appointments and monitoring my hormone levels while my husband is thousands of miles away (in a warzone), so we can approach things the best way possible when he gets home as I’ll be hitting nearly 30.

I didn’t grow up extremely religious. I’m Catholic. I went to CCD every Wednesday; was baptized, made my communion, and confirmation. However, we typically only went to Church a few Sundays out of the year and on holidays (occasionally). After my parent’s divorced when I was 12, I went to church with my best friend when I’d spend the night with her on Saturday evenings or Sunday mornings.

I’m by no means discounting religion. I’d like to believe in a higher power, but that’s it. God didn’t make me meet my husband- I was simply at the right place at the right time. God didn’t pull my head out of my ass and help me graduate college- I did. I simply feel that it’s not fair to solely base God’s timing on conception. Yes, I believe things (sometimes) happen for a reason. What about those who simply cannot conceive on their own? That either need scientific intervention or resort to adoption? Both of these circumstances can result in absolutely beautiful outcomes…

This is a short post, but it’s something I had to express. I don’t like clinging onto bad moods and sometimes writing about it makes me feel better…

Do you think it’s all in God’s hands whether or not someone will conceive or not?

While it may be that I write these updates more for myself than anything else, it’s been nice (well, not sure I’d use the word nice…perhaps helpful?….to look back and see what was going on with my cycles, testing, and how I was feeling at the time. I have a few things to share since the last update, so here we go:

I had a cycle that lasted from October 9-November 9 which was pretty decent for me (31 days). The next cycle was from November 9- December 26…uhh WTF. I stopped counted after CD 35. My labs showed that I did not ovulate this month, but I could have had a late ovulation since the cycle was so long. I haven’t had a period since December 26…I don’t know what cycle day I’m on, but it doesn’t even matter since it’s been so long. I didn’t have my progesterone checked this cycle because I was out of town and the office was closed on the weekend when I should’ve been tested.

I had a doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago and we discussed a few things. First, my cycle day 3 labs, where they check the LH, FSH, and estradiol, came back normal! This is good news as my ovaries ARE working, but there is a disconnect between the first phase of my cycle and the last phase. She wanted to do some lab work to double check for PCOS. I didn’t have any symptoms of it besides my long/erratic cycles, but it didn’t hurt to see. She emailed me the other day and told me everything came back normal…no PCOS.

We contemplated with the idea of getting a laparoscopy done to see if I have any endometriosis. However, because you’re put under for this and it can be rather uncomfortable, we decided to hold off. The doctor honestly didn’t think this was the case for me. I’d want Tyler to be there with me for this anyways.

I’ve gained about 10-12 pounds since July of last year (when TJ left). We thought that this would help regulate my cycle…but so far, it hasn’t. To be honest, this wasn’t always that easy for me. When I’m stressed…I have no appetite. However, incorporating more healthy fats, more carbs (I effing love these asiago cheese bagels by Einsten Bros. from Target, haha), and laying off the cardio is what helped the most. It’s discouraging that this hasn’t helped regulate things so far, but that’s okay. Looking back at some pictures, I did need to gain a few pounds. I started running again, but only a few days a week and it’s more like running/walking intervals while watching House Hunters ;)

My current doctor is deploying in April….pretty much around the time Tyler gets home, so I’ll be seen by my old doctor (the one I had some issues with). I don’t want to go through the hassle of finding someone else, and she knows us and our situation.

Finally, both docs agreed that our best chances to conceive will be via medicated cycles. We are going to try Clomid first, but ONLY two more rounds of this. If we have no luck with that, then we will be referred out and they suggested medication, the HCG trigger shot, and IUI. You can forgo the IUI and just do a medicated cycle with the trigger shot and timed intercourse, but the success rate is higher when you go the IUI route instead. It’s a few hundred bucks more (a grand total of about $1,000 PER cycle…yikes!), but they said it’s better this way as you get more bang for your buck (swear she said that, haha). We aren’t going to sit and dick around :) However, TJ will be up to be promoted to Captain in November and then it’s on to Fort Huachuca, Arizona. So we shall see how the rest of the year pans out.

Alright, I’m gonna go do some errands on my day off! Super stoked that it’s February, but I hope the next couple of months fly by. I’m SO ready to see my husband again :)

Figured I needed a picture in this post ;)

* What are your thoughts on Clomid?

*Have you or anyone you know used the trigger shot with timed intercourse or IUI?

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything about fertility as my husband is in the midst of a nine month deployment and trying to conceive is obviously on hiatus. However, TTC and being a part of the military community is something that I struggle with. This issue may come off as if I’m complaining (which I kind of am!) or ungrateful (I’m totally NOT!)…take it as you please- this post is more for me getting it off my chest and venting :)

FYI- my last cycle started on November 8…it’s been a rough couple of months. My progesterone levels were lower than 1, and this past cycle obviously abnormally long (started my current one on December 26th. I swear the only thing I wished for for Christmas was Tyler staying safe and getting a god damn period, haha). I’ve done everything within my control to gain normal cycles-…I honestly don’t think the wine and cocktails I consumed affected my reproductive system THAT much… There seems to be a connection with my abnormally long cycles and extremely low progesterone levels…. Anyways, we shall see how the next few months ago. I have an appointment with my OBGYN later this month.

When Tyler and I started dating, there was absolutely no mention of him going back in the army as an officer. He was in his last year of undergrad (after serving 6 years in the military, going through two 12 month tours in Iraq, and getting out as a Staff Sergeant at the age of 24- pretty badass)… and had mentioned going to grad school. However, there was an obvious change of plans seeing that he is now a 1st Lieutenant, haha. We got married when I was 26 and he was 29…in a couple of weeks I turn 29 and he will be 32 in March.

Point blank- we are old for not having any children in the military community. TJ has always had the mentality of not comparing himself to anyone else as he seriously doesn’t give a shit, but it’s something that is sometimes difficult for me.

SO many enlisted soldiers marry early and they conceive (thank God TJ and his ex wife didn’t)… and continue doing so. The wives often times blame the military on not being able to get a job or further their education which is ridiculous (MYCAA- will help you get at least an associates degree if you meet the requirements).

After our miscarriage in September of 2013, I became so much more aware of pregnancy things. Not just more knowledgeable about the topics of miscarriage and fertility, but more emotionally aware.

A week after my D&C, I went to a Hail and Farewell (basically a gathering at a location or restaurant to honor those who are leaving the unit and welcoming those coming in) with Tyler. I didn’t want to go, but I did… and it was hard. I found out that a fellow army wife was expecting… and her and another wife (who was due a week before I was due… and kept rubbing her freaking belly) spent pretty much the whole evening talking about pregnancy issues. I remained on the opposite end of the table, holding my husband’s hand, and sipping on a beer.

These are normal things to talk about, but seeing as they knew we had just endured a loss 1/3 of the way through a pregnancy, it made me give them the side-eye. Bottom line- it hurt my fucking feelings, and I cried the whole way home. And, I avoided most army-related events from there on out which may be immature or weak on my end as I truly want to be there for my husband, but it was something I felt like I had to do to continue moving forward.

Going to the doctor is a whole other issue. Here, at Fort Bliss, if you’re under Tricare Prime, you can either go to the hospital, William Beaumont, or be seen at the clinic (it’s a new, nice facility) on East Bliss. Tyler works on East Bliss and it’s closer to our house, so that’s where I’m typically seen (however, my new obgyn is at the hospital). Some days are better than others when I go for lab work or appointments, but sometimes it completely sucks donkey seeing young ass girls with children. Usually it’s a baby with a toddler that they can’t control and they seem to be like 22.

My doctors have even made comments about young girls complaining that they haven’t gotten pregnant within the first few months of trying… I’ll never forget the tone my old OBGYN had when I initially went in for infertility (and happened to be pregnant at the time!)…she thought I was much younger than I was, then changed her demeanor when she saw my birth date, haha :)

Military families are supposed to come together. Tyler deployed outside of his unit; therefore, I have had absolutely no support from a FRG. I don’t know if it is normal or not, but it has put a bad taste in my mouth about the “support group” we are supposed to have. I know a handful of spouses who have experienced a deployment since moving here, and they have posted a shit ton of get togethers, events, etc. with their FRG…and have seemed to have made lifelong friends. If I ever become in charge of the FRG at TJ’s future units, I’ll ensure that everyone is included… and checked in on ;) But this is beside the point.

I feel as if I should create a club for army wives to come together with spouses that are deployed (there is one for spouses TTC, but not for deployed spouses).

I think many people don’t know how to talk to those that are having trouble. I understand- before our situation, I would have no idea what to do or say! From what I have gathered through blogging and being open about our situation with family and friends- saying nothing implies that it’s not a big deal or that you don’t care. But it IS a big deal.

Also, don’t be afraid to talk about your pregnancy/baby. If you push me under the rug about a pregnancy….I’m sorry, but I’ll push you under the rug about the birth. Don’t hide news about a pregnancy! It may tug at my heart a bit and I will probably be slightly jealous, but I’m truly happy for you- and I’ll want to know details and hold the babes once it makes an appearance :)

I was not the “best of friends” with some people in my earlier years, but I have discussed infertility issues with them for the past couple of years and have watched them birth amazing babies… It really opens your eyes as to who your true friends are… but I’ll get to that in another post.

Not only have these few women brought new light into my world, they taught me to be my own advocate. I don’t think I’m getting the best healthcare right now….my husband may oppose this notion because “it’s free”. I understand that throwing women on Clomid may work for many, but it’s also dangerous as it can cause ovarian cysts, thinning of the uterine lining, and ovarian cancer. My mom was on Clomid as her and my dad experienced secondary infertility after I was born (my brother and I are 5 years apart)… and she was even monitored back then! That’s why I get upset about our healthcare… but we’ll deal with it until we conceive or have to move onto Plan B.

To wrap things up, it will be interesting to see what happens. The thing I’m looking forward to the most this year is being reunited with my husband…my world will not be okay until I come face to face again and feel him in my arms… :)

Cheers to 2015!

* If you’re a part of a military community, have you ever experienced any sort of issues?

My blog was pretty much placed on the back burner over the past several months. I go through periods where I want to write about so much, and other times, I feel as though I have nothing to give or say at all. However, it’s pretty cool to see the breakdown of things throughout the year.

It seems as though my “most popular” posts are when I’m venting about random shit or discussing our fertility issues. Take a look at the breakdown of it all- it’s cool!

Cheers to 2015….I can’t tell you how happy I am to ring in the New Year with my love…even if we’re alone and on opposite ends of the world.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 11,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.