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Saturday, November 28, 2015

Am I Going To Be A Single Mom Again?

I feel like I fell into Hell 8 years ago, and only started the climb out 6 years ago when I met my husband who seems to have been slowly pushing me back down into Hell for the past 3 years, although what he's doing now he says is a 'two year old' issue, and although I've felt that he started the push about a year ago, then changed his mind and tried to help me climb up again, and then about 3 months ago, kicked me right off the ladder, throwing back down into the pit.

Confused?

Welcome to my private Hell.

(When you finish reading this post, there will be a link to 'older posts' at the bottom. You can read those for more clarification on the past)

For now, I'll sum up because I don't want to spend a ton of time repeating what's been posted before and so I can get this latest 'need to get it out,' well... out.

He took a job with terrible hours for a family, but was only supposed to work 1 weekend day. It turned out to be two full weekend days, both days, 12 hours long. My kids never saw him. It was impossible for me to work with his schedule, two kids and only one car. I was limited to freelance work which was extremely hard to do with the kids underfoot, but I did it and I did well enough to pay all the bills that his income still couldn't cover, even with him working 70 hours a week.

Now he has a lot of complaints that are legitimate complaints- I put on weight and it affected my health and my ability to do things because I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes at a time. So I didn't do much around the house. I got depressed about both of us working so hard and him never being home and we still weren't getting ahead. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped showering (this is the depression getting worse.)

But instead of talking to me about any of these things... he took on the housework himself and then 'harbored' it. He grew resentful and angry.

I knew there were problems, and I tried offering solutions, but he never liked a single one of my solutions. I suggested we start a business on the 'side' so we could create our own income. An income that we had control of. That we could 'increase at will' (rather than sitting around for 3 and a half years, twiddling our thumbs waiting for a raise that no one had gotten at his company in 5 years, or waiting for a promotion.)

He didn't like that idea.

I trudged along, getting more and more depressed...

He was offered another job at a different company with 'school hours', and about the same money. No nights, no weekends. No holidays. And no overtime.

His boss begged him to stay, promising to work with his schedule.

And after two years, he was working only days, and only weekdays. He was home in time for dinner with the family and we had weekends for our family.

And my income shot up.

Things were looking better.

Until... he decided to engage in what can only be called an 'emotional affair' with someone he works with.

I found it. It was bad. We both flip flopped around between ending the marriage and working it out and in the end, decided to work it out.

And the golden rule of working it out was that he had to find a new job and cut all ties with this woman...

He never did.

We made a plan for our lives and we worked hard towards that plan for a year... I busted my ass doing freelance work so we could buy a new car to follow through on our plans. I worked on repairing our credit. I researched careers for him. And I started working on one thing we both wanted to work on- real estate investments.

The one thing he had to do, find another job, he seemed to not really be putting an 'effort' into doing. In fact, it seemed that he was deliberately not doing what needed to be done to get a new job.

And then... he was offered a promotion at the job he was at, and it meant working more closely, more hours, with the woman he had the affair with...

That was three month ago.

And every day since has felt like I'm back in Hell, being abused by the devil himself.

I've had to hear what a piece of shit I am because I threatened to out their affair to the corporate offices... (God forbid I say what a piece of shit he is for having had the fucking affair in the first place!)

Well how the Hell do you expect me to react?

I've had to hear how it was MY FAULT that he had the affair... because he was trying to give me a 'wake up call'.... How fucking dishonest and manipulative is that?

I've had to hear about how he doesn't like who I am, because despite the numerous times I've PM'd my own friends to ask them to be nice to someone that they were about to tear apart for being a complete idiot, when this person continued to make attacks that are very hurtful to me and I called her out on it myself, he not only didn't defend ME... but defended HER against me.

And let her and a few other select people convince him that it must be 'me' who is causing him to 'behave' the ways he's behaving and therefore he should leave me.

And me, like a schmuck, sitting here, thinking that I need to fix 'myself.' And he, once again, is off the hook... or he's just leaving, because he 'pretends' to admit to having done wrong, but falls right back on all his 'excuses' for how I 'made him do it.'

He says he can't get over me threatening to do things that would hurt people who have nothing to do with us or any of this... (like calling corporate about his affair could make other people lose their jobs) and how I put all those people 'at risk.'

It doesn't even enter his mind that it is HE who put them at risk by...

Refusing to work both weekend days, 12 hours days both days
Refusing to put his family first when forced to work 6 hours after his schedule with one day's notice
Having the fucking affair!

Because again, he thinks all his 'reasons' for doing these things are 'validated' by something I allegedly 'did wrong.'

That's not taking responsibility. That's fucking lip service to responsibility.