Tag: Humor

After what has felt like a really long period of being unproductive due to being sick, being tired from work, and just life stuff in general, I’m finally doing it, I’m finally starting a novel again. I did this back in 2003, but due to my own negligence to back it up by email or some other method besides the computer my ex decided to keep, I lost four chapters and a prologue. I’ve written short stories and blogged since then but never actually finished getting my sh*t together and made a collective of them, or started a novel again.

I’m also working on a memoir – though, this one will be more for my own mental health than anything else and may never be published. We shall see, I guess. For now, getting out my ya-yas through the book and blogging and hoping for the best!

The hardest part about starting with a manuscript is trying to make it all correctly formatted because I’ve not written for so long. I needed a refresher on random points, like formatting conversation properly, and the correct way to write footnotes (since my piece is fiction, and a lighthearted one at that, I don’t need too much formality in that department but wanted to know if I might get lambasted by those who read it).

Also, remembering to do double spaces after periods? Ack. Not something I think about doing usually, in every day writing like emails, etc. Now I need to force myself to do it in everything so it becomes habit again. Mostly, just enjoying lazy Sunday and not needing to go anywhere.

Sitting on the front porch of the house we rent an apartment in, appreciating the quiet of the night air.

For the first time since we set up our little retreat out here, I hear a bat! I know bats strike terror into the hearts of a lot of folks, but I love the little winged fluff balls. Actually I plan to get multiple bats on my chest sometime in the near future. Tattoos, that is, not the real thing. Though, it would be pretty entertaining to walk into work with a bunch of actual bats clinging to my chest.

Last night, my boyfriend and I watched a perfect example of humanity’s reasoning abilities.

We were headed for an access to take us to a different area of town (ours is split by an escarpment), and a train was crossing it. Not the first time it’s happened, getting used to it actually because it’s near our house.
There was a fairly long line of cars waiting, that’s fine. It would take us longer to circle around to the next access than it took to sit there. I think we were waiting maybe eight or ten minutes? Well, we were the second last car (truth be told the last guy didn’t fit, and was halfway into the turning line and right against our bumper).

We waited patiently as we watched a circus of shit drivers unfold in front of us. As it reached about the eight minute mark, most of the people in front of us decided it would be a good time to pull a u-turn and leave. It involved – for some of them – driving up on curbs, cutting off traffic that was coming from the last side street from the train tracks, and the guy directly in front of us just got out of his car and went for a walk toward the train, playing with his phone.

Then the train finished.

Guy with phone doesn’t even realize that the train has finished and he panics, running back for his car. Traffic has already started coming the other way, and he’s locked his doors so is struggling getting it open and getting safely into the car. Then, as he drove away he opened his door again and closed it, swerving all over the road.

If all of these people had waited the other two minutes it would have been simple. After waiting eight minutes, two is nothing, and it would take you at least another eight to make your way to the next access. People, why you so dumb?

Each day I am treated, via the day job gig, to both the best and worst of humanity. Customer service is one of those areas where you see both sides almost daily. Anyone who’s worked a job like this *ahem* in fact – MOST – people can attest to what I’m saying.

January is a lean month at my store, so staff is also trimmed down. Unfortunately, not all customers speak the language of reality. Today, one such customer chastised me for being the only person working in that drive thru (we have two), not grasping that I have absolutely no say over this. I should note, she was around 70, had her face stretched like a drum, and was wearing enough luminizer she looked like she was trying to pick up the Tin Man… so, source considered. It’s not like I can really say much back in that situation either, other than to point out that I was the only one working over there, to which she responded that I should tell customers – before they enter the drive thru – that I’m the only one in there… okayyy. Do they put brain damaging chemicals in that luminizer crap?

On the flipside – not even an hour after that, a customer told me quite earnestly to keep up the good work, that I was doing great. Weird how the universe sends out balancing weights against the ones that can knock us out of whack. Thanks, guy, whoever you are, for making this coffee wench’s day just a little better.

Also, next time you find yourself getting frustrated by speed of service, take into account whether there are actually enough people behind that counter to do the job you expect – one more staff member sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

I’m reasonably convinced the term “knick knack” is actually “ugly thing you display on your shelf” in another language. Of course, it probably doesn’t help that I work in a thrift store, so I get to see the things people throw out to make room for… well, more ugly things?

I question how on earth some of these things even made it to a store in the first place, to wait for some unsuspecting person with bad taste (or perhaps just poor judgement?) to purchase. Sometimes they’re just really ugly, sometimes they’re terrifically tacky – sometimes they look like they were forged in the seventh layer of hell, and sent here to steal souls.

I decided that it was time for me to start taking pictures of some of these *ahem* memorable figurines and other decor items, and sharing them with the world. After all, that’s what the internet is for, no?

Let’s start with this questionable Easter bunny. I have no idea why he has a spring loaded head, or looks like he’s been on a week-long crack binge, but he looks about as kid friendly as liquor-filled chocolate eggs.

Okay, I love gnomes, even though they fall under the “what the HELL is that on your front lawn?” category. I will admit to that – however, what on EARTH does an easter egg have to do with gnomes? Maybe they should make some with flamingos too.

Perhaps it’s my inner adolescent speaking, but I look at this and the first thing I notice is that Ms. Bunny has boobs. Also, she really seems to have a binge eating problem. Actually, this bunny kind of looks like Peg Bundy from Married with Children… hmmm…

This picture does NOT do this doll justice. The eyes were a lot more yellow than the picture lets on – and that dead gaze, makes my skin crawl a little. I love creepy things, but I do not love this doll.

We’ve all seen these kind of figurines, they were once really popular. However, never have I seen not one, but TWO children eating invisible sandwiches. Were both created by the same artist, who enjoyed depicting famished children, or was craving a sandwich when he sculpted these? I guess we’ll never know.

This is very obviously a cat. A poorly rendered, asymmetrical cat. I am not sure it was on purpose though, and this wasn’t a homemade figurine. Maybe whomever designed this has never actually seen a cat before?

Not really a figurine or knick knack, but he deserves an honorable mention simply because he looks stoned out of his gourd – and he also seems to have a bad case of pink eye… and he was also found at a thrift store.

This poor lady seems to have gotten her face caught in a vice…but the maker of this figurine seemed to feel she should be displayed in a wee plastic box so she doesn’t get ruined – I think the ruining happened before she was packaged.

Fairy figurines tend to have delicate features. This one seems to have gotten a raw deal.

Remus and Romulus are subject to many a statue and figurine. I think this artist got carried away with the size of the wolf’s teats – and now they’re being booby-bombed.

This elephant here, he has seen some shit.

This figurine tells a story. The squirrel seems to have recruited Santa to pull off an acorn heist, and the authorities have just caught them – santa is dropping nuts everywhere and appears to be giving the squirrel a kick. Oh, Santa. You should choose your friends better.

…and then there is this. I found this about 2 years ago in the thrift store I actually ended up working at. It had human feet and this creepy partially human face. It seems to tell a story of a child in mid-transformation to a bear – and to top it off, its eyes were red and shiny as if it had been crying. It’s the perfect teddy to give your child nightmares.

Of course, this is only a handful of chachkies. These pictures were mostly taken during one wander through the knick knacks and collectibles area of the store, and some of the things I hoped to get pictures of were already gone. The lesson here? One man’s nightmare is another man’s treasure. I wonder who bought that drunken looking Santa ranting and waving his finger over the mailbox?