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Somewhere along the line, I’d heard that Deathsport was a pseudo-sequel to one of my favorite movies, Death Race 2000. I didn’t really find that to be the case.

They both star David Carradine, and feature vehicle based duels to the death, but that’s about it.

I don’t know if it’s because I had just finished the amazing Double Dragon, or because I had pretty high expectations going in, but this flick did not thrill me. You’d think a movie about motorcycle duels, magic desert rangers, and dudes with crystal swords wouldn’t be boring, but somehow, Deathsport really is.

There are some pretty great stunts, a dancing naked lady (for no apparent reason), and about a million explosions (the only special effect they spent any amount of money on), all of which was cool. However, there was also a LOT of footage of motorcycles just driving around “chasing” each other. Lots and lots of that. With horrible sound effects. Lots. Just driving around. Another thing there’s a lot of? Really terrible dialogue.

Remember a couple hours ago when I said that Solarbabies strung together a lot of classic post-apocalyptic sci-fi tropes in a pretty fun way? This movie is pretty much the opposite of that.

In classic 80s VHS fashion, nothing in the movie looks nearly as good as this box art.

I think the main problem this movie has is a lack of discernible plot. This stems from the fact that there’s no connecting tissue between the scenes. No one ever discusses why they’re going to the next place their going, or how they’ll get there, or why they’ve completely changed their costumes. They’re just there, and something ridiculous happens. It’s like someone said, “I’ve got some vaguely interesting action sequences, but that’s about it.” Then, someone else said, “Close enough. Let’s just call it a script and start shooting.”

The movie also suffers from some absolutely terrible sound effects, and some of the most lifelessly dubbed lines I’ve ever heard. The main character has almost no emotion in any of his dialogue, which I’m pretty sure is completely ADRed through the whole movie. This makes a little sense, because the movie was originally made and distributed in Italy, but The Rider (That’s all he’s ever called) is very obviously speaking English. Was the original soundtrack just not available anymore? Why the hell did they re-dub every single one of his lines?

The only redeeming thing in this movie is Donald Pleasence, who makes an appearance as the main bad guy wearing one of his old Blofeld outfits. I was shocked that he never pulled out a cat to start stroking menacingly.

Oh, there’s also a talking motorcycle with the most annoying voice ever.