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Pensioner mistakes mineshaft for 3D pavement art

In a tragic case of life-imitating-pavement-art, Black Country pensioner Enoch Beasley fell into a massive mineshaft which had opened up in front of his local pub, The Miner’s Arms in Tipton.

The incident was witnessed by several passers-by including chip shop owner Bob Kendall. ‘I was walking behind the old chap when he kind of paused like and put one foot in front of the other before going arse over apex down the hole. I managed to catch hold of his cap but the rest of him disappeared in a shot. Only yesterday we had this bloke with dreadlocks drawing gaping holes on the pavement so I blame him for any confusion.’

Dudley Council’s highways department confirmed that a serious case of subsidence had arisen due to the collapse of an unrecorded mine shaft. ‘Unfortunately we do get the occasional chasm appearing out of nowhere. Historically they’ve swallowed up horses and carts as well as pigs, gypsies and door to door salesmen so it’s a bit of an occupational hazard. Our thoughts go out to Mr Beasley’s widow, his sixteen children and forty seven grandchildren.’

Local 3D pavement artist Peter Klatchov was later tracked down by police in nearby Wren’s Nest but despite calls to arrest him for deception, no charges have been made. In a statement to the police he said, ‘Holes are not my only speciality, I also draw the occasional flood but I’ve not been anywhere near Cornwall since last summer so you can’t pin any of the recent shit on me.’

The Tipton shaft has now been filled in and regulars at the Miner’s Arms are to commemorate Mr Beasley with a memorial bench outside the pub’s entrance. ‘It would have been his wish to mark the spot where he had fallen down on numerous other occasions,’ said licensee Doreen Sparkes. ‘It’s such a pity that he hadn’t paid his tab before leaving us. I just feel totally shafted.’