Welcome to the new world of gold storage. No longer will your gold uselessly sit in bank vaults buried under our Manhatten branch. Instead, they will now reside in safety on the bottom of the Hudson River, where nobody will dare to go on account of the pollution.

Be assured that your gold is as safe as banks, protected by the toxic, sludgy waters of Old Man Hudson.

We have reviewed our costs and find that storing the world's gold on the river bottom is just as safe and as expensive as storing it in vaults. There will therefore be no additional cost to you, the gold owner!

In fact, river bottom storage marks a return to old time gold storage practice. Our ancestors would throw their treasure, magical swords and other durable items into lakes and magical wells for safe-keeping. With this return to solid, trustworthy and traditional methods, you can be assured that the God of the River Hudson is watching over your gold as vigilently as our skilled technicians and watchful guards.

We look forward to provided you with this new, enhanced gold storage option, but if you have new gold to store, our vaults have never been roomier!

Sincerely yours,

Chase Manhatten Bank Bullion Services. Now merged with the River Hudson.

His Serene Majesty, Stephen Harper sports a jaunty new moustache as part of his new "King of Canada". And isn't that "30" Medaillon sweet? Was it a birthday present? And isn't it amazing how Grecian Economy Formula can take years off of you by gradually darkening your hair?

We have recently audited our gold bullion stores and find that we have seriously undercounted our gold stocks by several hundreds of billions of dollars. In order to keep this gold out of the hands of socialists, we are shipping it to the Chase Manhatten bank in New York for storage.

The gold will be used to pay off our national debt, give massive subsidies to grain farmers and oil exploration companies, and to buy elections for generations to come. None of the money will be used to hire or pay government bureaucrats. However, we will need to create a lot of jobs to cover the management of these newly found funds, so we will give a few billion here or there to temporary help firms and private public partnerships.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the theft of hundreds of billions of dollars worth of gold from the Chase Manhatten Bank. As everybody knows, that gold is safe on the bottom of the Hudson River. It is merely fortuitous that the Chase Manhatten Bank has exactly enough room to store our new bullion

And it is pure coincidence that Prime Minister Harper is now wearing a gold crown and cloth of gold sweater with matching gold stockings. Only that pack of lying socialists in the Opposition would say such a thing. Honi soit qui mal y pense as President Harper always says. King Harper poo-poos the ludicrous claims of the former Opposition with a waive of his heavily bling-bling bedecked Royal Hand.

But seriously, I am trying to understand why the Bundesbank would repatriate so much gold. According to the Beeb, they moved it to New York for fear of a Soviet Invasion. Apparently they no longer fear Russia marching through Poland. They have left their gold in London also. But they have pulled gold from France and the US.

Possibly they fear that the French socialists will surrender to temptation. Or maybe they are worried that Glenn Beck will be the next President of the USA and steal all the gold in the world. Maybe they just feel warmer and safer with their gold at home where people can't give it to the Greeks.

Then again, maybe this is part of their plan to save the Euro or possibly replace it with the Gold Frank.

God only knows. The only thing that is certain is death, taxes, and that anybody who says anything about gold or fiat currency will be wrong, very, very wrong.