Meat can have a great and sensual flavor. It can also be inedible ultragarbage, if prepared by one not savvy to this fact: Meat isn’t the delicious part of meat. It is the fat, the ligaments, the sinewy parts from whence glue is rendered, which rule our pallets like latex-clad flavor dominatrices. The protein part is just substance, a texture to contain in its little pockets and nooks and crannies the honey-sweet tang of melting bone sheaths. For those willing to forgo proper digestive function in favor of a truly luxuriant experience gastronomique, I proudly submit my preparation for:

BEEF BACK RIBS

YOU WILL NEED
ALUMINUM FOIL
At least one rack of BEEF BACK RIBS, meaty ones, not those frozen shits. The ribs should be cut in half, through the rack once flanken style, so no bone is longer than five inches.
A POUND OR TWO OF BUTTER
SALT
PEPPER
CUMIN
GARLIC POWDER
BBQ SAUCE

Step 1. Leave the ribs unrefrigerated for at least four to six hours, to ensure some nice, limp floppy pieces of meat. Read the rest of this entry »

[A regular series as dictated by bassist Joe “The Foot” Stuhff. This article is reposted from an old newsletter, completely out of context and in the wrong season. Enjoy.]

Season’s Greetings, fellow gastronomical adventurers! ‘Tis the season, so say I, for cranberries and pumpkin pie! So, then, it is with open arms that I humbly welcome the impending dark skies of winter, that cold as shit obsidian robe which coats the sky round the same time every year. What better way to enjoy the cute little first baby steps of fall into winter, and the beginning of the phase of Scorpio (annoyingly mouth wah-guitar effect)? The best way is to Lock the door, close the windows, keep your guns loaded and your valuables locked up, and cook large amounts of meat in your kitchen all day long.

How to construct:
Leave your chuck out on the kitchen counter for about an hour, to get the surface down to room temp. Rub the sides all around with a combination of all the dry powdered spices listed above (as many as you have got.) Then sear them spices in with a nice sizzling on some hot hot hot iron. pace the sizzled meaty mass into its crucible, and pour beer in until it is a little more than halfway covered. Now drink the other beer.

Now you understand.

Cover tightly with tinfoil and bake at 400 degrees for 3 and one half hours. Remove and add vegetables. But first, the onion…

Oh, yes onion, You were not forgotten. So proud before, but what, now, at the sight of me and, my- Oh yes, I am afraid it is a large and laser-sharp chopping chef’s knife- you seem to have finally discovered humility. Then you start. Ah, the pleading. The apologies. The promises. So piquant, so soothing. Just as I thought, your steely resolve would liquefy in the face of a prospect beyond your reason. Now, dont mind me, I’ll just be CUTTING YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES. And adding you to the pot roast.

Sorry you had to witness that.

Cover tightly once more, and continue baking for 2 and a half more hours.

Bring a large pot of water to a boil and prepare the egg noodles, that starchy substrate upon which the sumptuousness of the steamed-to perfection meat shall combine with the sweetness of my personal revenge against the onion.

(don’t ask)

From this point on, I can offer no more advice.
If you can’t figure out what to do, it’s your own damn fault.
Enjoy! Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving!