An Apology

First of all, before I say anything else, I want to apologise. Unconditionally. Unequivocally.

First of all, before I say anything else, I want to apologise. Unconditionally. Unequivocally.

The past few days have been difficult for all of us at Gaysi and especially the core team. We’ve hurt a lot of people and whether it was our intent to do that or not ( it wasn’t!) we screwed up and we put our hands up and say – ‘Sorry’.

This is not a fauxpology. We’re making no excuses. Things were said that shouldn’t have been. And when said amongst friends should not have been made part of the public forum. We shouldn’t have taken this long to react but between MJ travelling, my partner falling very ill and all of us being on different time zones it was taking forever to get consensus about what to do. I still don’t think we have that consensus. On one hand I want to take that podcast off the site; on the other hand I think it needs to stay there. Why? Not because I agree with the content, but because it needs to stay up as a reminder that we screwed up and that sometimes the best intentions and the most plausible of contexts cannot justify what has been said.

Removing the podcast makes us look like we’re trying to sweep this under the carpet. I want this to be here as a reminder of what we did wrong. In the entire history of Gaysi, this is the first time that I’m not proud of what’s gone out on our pages. Gaysi is about making people feel safe and included and this podcast, clearly failed at doing that. But by deleting it we don’t want to risk forgetting that we can all make mistakes.

When the comments started appearing and the discontent was voiced, MJ and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with the podcast. This indecision wasn’t about whether we had screwed up, but about whether to leave it up there or delete it. I’ll admit It was hard for me to make a call because I was so close to the issue and MJ is a dear friend. So I asked myself how I’d feel if a site like AfterEllen released a podcast that said ‘Indian women smell like curry and I am not attracted to them.’ I’d be absolutely outraged but if they had deleted the podcast I’d feel like they were taking the easy way out. I’d want them to keep it up so that they don’t get away with a mere apology but are constantly reminded of their screw up.

Hence, I believe that having this podcast up here is a bigger punishment for us – serving as a constant reminder of what we should not have done. The infamous podcast started off as our usual nonsensical chat where we said stupid and ridiculous things to each other. Then all the stereotypes about South Indians, North Indians, Mumbai girls and straight girls started flowing thick and fast and so did the gasps and disagreements. They were meant to be edited out and honestly should have been.

During this entire debate, MJ has faced much criticism and accusations have been levelled at her, for being ‘racist’. MJ is an equal opportunity dater. It doesn’t matter whether you’re North Indian or South Indian or Chinese – she will hook up with you. But only if she thinks you’re hot. Is she racist? No. Is she a tad shallow? Probably. Does she have some preconceived notions about people of certain parts of the world? Yes. Is she alone in this? Definitely not.

Should she, as one of the founders of our site, be held to a different and higher standard – I think so. Especially when her views are being published on Gaysi. She’s taken the heat for this and will continue to do so for a long time. But please don’t give up on us or this website. We truly believe that we have a lot to offer and that this was a mistake that we made and learned from.

I hope that those of you who want us to take off the podcast don’t see this as any less of an apology on our part. As always, those of you who want to express your views on this can leave a comment or submit a post you’d like us to publish.

Thank you all for your support, patience and, hopefully, forgiveness.

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About the author

Broom lived an ordinary, boring, unhappy and married life till she met the woman that she fell madly in love with at the age of twenty eight.
By day, she is a techie. By night - a Walking Dead addict, London exploring, rainbow-loving, champagne socialist.

Thanks Broom. This is a very humble and sweet gesture from you and will a long way! We all make mistakes. We live and learn. I am sure Gaysi as a team and its readers will be able to move past this incident. Much love!

Dear Chicklet : I do consider this an apology from Gaysi. But as GJ mentioned below, I can’t help but thank Broom individually for the way she has articulated. It is humble, genuine, sincere and above all from the heart. Love and Peace!

@Just as Gaysi: I was replying to Chicklet not to you. Yes, in any case, you are right, it wasn’t clear in the first comment and that is why I clarified in my reply to Chicklet. What is your problem anyway? The team knows where I stand.

For what it’s worth, I’d also like to say that I appreciate the apology and I especially liked Shri’s ‘A Note from an Offended South Indian Gaysi’, I think that nicely summed up a lot of what I was feeling about all this. If I may, I’d like to explain where I’m coming from and why that podcast teed me off so much. I’m a South Indian woman and a ‘baby queer’, just coming to terms with my orientation. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come out in real life, I can’t really talk to anyone about it- I guess this is stuff you’ve all heard before. But it’s new to me. And it’s scary. And I can’t even count the times I’ve wished that I could be “normal like everyone else”. While I haven’t been an active or visible participant on Gaysi, I’ve spent a lot of time here. This podcast incident has suddenly made me feel extremely unwelcome. For folks like me, this kind of thing is a door slammed in the face. It is the worst feeling in the world. And I hate that Gaysi made me feel this way. Actually I don’t want to put that on Gaysi, I am responsible for how I feel. Still…it hurts.

I, like many others, am used to hearing slurs, taunts and insults being leveled at me for any number of reasons- because I’m a woman, because I ‘look like a man’, etc. I don’t respond to those because I don’t think it’s worth responding to. I responded here because I think Gaysi is worth it. I think you are all better than this. And despite my anger and hurt, this was also a reason for my comment, because I think this site is worth taking the time for. This incident has actually taught me a lot- I think in my baby queer naiveté, I assumed the queer community would be more sensitive about these things and I guess I had some soft focus, television idea of being accepted with open and loving arms. This has been a sobering wake-up call but an important one. After all, is it not a stereotype in itself to assume a group of people won’t stereotype just because they are queer?

I’d like to say that I’ll be sticking around here but frankly, I just don’t feel like it right now. Under the circumstances, I think that’s understandable. I’m pretty sure I’ll be back later but right now, maybe I need to find another space, either on the outside or within myself. And I guess that’s just part of the journey, right? So maybe it’s not such a bad thing in the end.

I have learned a lot from Gaysi and I know it will continue to be a great site for many queer people. So rather than end this on a bitter note, I want to say thank you Gaysi. And good luck! And I hope you’ll wish this baby queer lots of luck too as I teeter along on my journey.

The Flaming Gaymo – Reading your comments here and the Podcast I can think of only two things. One your words are full of irony and yes to the point of absurdity, as stated by yourself. Secondly you are someone with a small heart.

Podcast was not a big deal. However you (and few others) were offended, and accordingly posted your “disgust” on Gaysi. The “disgust” was targeted at a single participant when others in the podcast were equally responsible even though they tried to remain politically neutral most of the time. Maybe because the targeted individual happened not to be a South Indian. Your “disgust” was related to only things South Indian but there were things said about North Indians, Straight women, etc…funnily enough you (and others) missed to take a note of those. So as an Indian can I not hold your comments as offensive since they are responsible in creating a regional divide?

And even if your “disgust” is given validity, which it has been with the posting of this “Apology”…you still chose to walk away. Is this your definition of a family? Yes when Gaysi was giving you all “good” you socked it up…and with a single folly, you decide to quit it (or take a break). At one hand as Queers we ask for acceptance…inclusive of everything, be the good or the bad.

A smal heart indeed. In a way I am glad for Gaysi, nobody needs a family deserter.

@Just a Gaysi: Bang on! As I mentioned in the comments on the podcast, the podcast can offend North Indians (and as you mentioned some others too) as well! But lets just say that enough has been said already about this whole thing! 🙂

Dearest Flaming Gaymo,
For whats its worth – GAYSI is muych more than that. It ain’t a closeted space and guess what , it prides in the fact that it gives space to one and all, EVEN people who typecast and stereotype.
Sometimes, generosity and genuine appreciation is needed to live a bIGGER life.

I see a couple of comments mentioning people taking a break from gaysifamily. Although the two may be totally unrelated, I am inclined to believe that the reason for this step has been this controversy.

While growing up, I always knew I was “different”, in fact, I used to think that I am the only one who was like “this”. As I learnt later in life, that “different” had another name – “gay”. Growing up in India, as “gay”, is hard. Very hard. You look around and you see no one like you. No role models, no one to talk to, no one to whom you can even describe what you feel when you feel it. A long way down the road, I discovered gaysifamily, and to put it simply – I felt at home, halfway across the world from home. I still remember publishing my first comment and checking the site every five minutes to see if someone had replied!

We, the people, make this gaysifamily what it is. A mistake was made, and an apology was duly offered. Not to undermine the hurt this slip has caused, lets not forget that being a part of gaysifamily has elicited more smiles than hurt. It has given us strength when our own family members could not be strong enough. Lets just celebrate our gaysifamily and be gay together, in the old fashioned sense.

As a Gaysi contributor, I feel we have done the right thing here. I am very proud of this gesture. Thank you Broom and other Gaysi folks!

I think it hit a lot of us equally hard – gay, straight, cis, trans, North Indian, South Indian, and not the s.indians alone. And, I refuse to believe that only S.Indian women would be hurt by the podcast. If that is the case, then we queers will never make progress and will achieve equality because we will always be the minority and will never be able to convince the majority. For the plain logical reason, “You do not have to be one to know what is right or wrong”.
There were a lot of angry comments, rightfully so! in their feeling over the podcast probably but not rightful in their judgement about the website. My mom always says “aathra kaarannuku budhi mattu” (an angry human has a blunt mind) whenever I used to throw tantrums as a teenager (and even now 🙂 ), and that is exactly what we all are when we get emotional. It serves no one. Let’s accept we all are humans and we make mistakes.

I hope we all can reconcile and look forward to awesome posts that Gaysi has always delivered. Yay! to the team and all the amazing readers!!!

Gaysi has been the best therapy for me besides my therapist. The good thing is, I don’t need to pay, I dont have to talk all the time and I get to hear from such a diverse set of folks.

The apology was a Team Decision and I come to this conclusion since Broom has used the word “us” in most part of the post. Then why the pat on the back is only been given to the one under whose name the post has been published? Or should be expect an apology from every participant of the podcast?

Maybe Broom can clear this up for us.

On the other hand I am glad that the Podcast has not been removed. Let the readers decide whether it is offensive or not. And those offended still have the right to display their views. The last thing we need is an act of Moral Policing on Gaysi too.

Who the fuck are you “Just a Gaysi?” to lecture others on demonstration of personal affection or otherwise??

As regards the ‘stop reading into comments’ – I did speak up much earlier – quite clearly, you missed the point. Unlike you, I’m not standing on judgement if others did or didn’t. FYI- all publicity is good – even negative publicity – the site got hits…thats good for a blog!

You obviously seem to have a personal axe to grind here. As Shri said – “the team knows where I stand” – and ur certainly not doing them a favor by trying to create rifts where none exist. Peace and please – leave us girls alone. If I wanna pat Broom’s back and not anyone else’s – its none of yr f-ing business!

Its my rating system – and I can rate anyone above or below, as I please..just as I don’t rate all the writers on the site equally …..

Guess what – maybe I have a secret crush on Broom – and if anyone wants to object, maybe her girlfriend should – not you! Please – grow up!

BTW MJ – pls note that moi is not the only girl with the extra liking/patting syndrome for Broom. Pls to be objecting to ccuteheart’s extra liking (she even winked!! hai toba!) and also the legion of admirers Broom has been slyly accumulating (behind your back!) partially helped by sexy voice.

And yes, I very liberally use F word in the case that anyone stands btw me and any girl I wanna pat 😉 Rest all offline!

…. just wanted to say that long back when i heard the first podcast. I was impressed by your voice and said so there….
and after reading ur well written and well meant apology…….i am bowled over!
why havent I met you till now? (wink!)

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