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I woke up really early on Wednesday morning for no reason. In retrospect, I can see it was probably my body's way of telling me that I might die later that day, so I better get the hell up and start enjoying the shit out of life.

My life that morning was not particularly enjoyable. I felt like my internal organs had been punched by someone who is really enthusiastic about punching and therefore punches a lot. In fact, they love punching so much that when they finished punching my internal organs, they moved on to punching my skin and all my muscles and also my eyes.

I don't own an accurate thermometer, but I once calibrated the thermometer I own using an accurate thermometer.

The thermometer read 102.3, so by my calculations, I was running a fever of about 103.5. I took a couple aspirin and tried to get some work done. That's when I wrote/illustrated this post. I may have also responded to a few emails. If you got an email from me last Wednesday that didn't make a lot of sense, I apologize. I wasn't drunk. I was just very ill.

I eventually gave up on trying to be responsible and just sat on the couch staring off into space really intensely.

That evening, my friend called to ask me if I'd like to meet her and another friend for drinks. I didn't feel much like drinking, but I was feeling a little better and I'm almost tragically impulsive, so I was like "heck yeah I'll meet you guys for drinks!" Then I staggered into the bathroom to try and clean myself up enough to go out in public.

At the bar, I ordered tea because I was really, really cold and even though I'm impulsive and irresponsible, I know enough not to complicate illnesses with alcohol. The bartender looked at me like I was the first person ever to order raspberry tea in a bar.

I was able to enjoy my tea for approximately five minutes before I started to feel emergency-nauseous and had to run to the bathroom. The next little bit is kind of a blur for me. I know that I passed out in the bathroom. I don't know how long I was out, but my first thought upon waking was "OH MY GOD I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!"

I knew I should probably go to the hospital, but I'm still too poor for insurance, so I tried to convince myself that I was okay and I should just crawl home and sleep it off. I tried to stand up, but I ended up head-butting the wall and crumpling to the floor again. I lay there on the ground staring at some graffiti that just said "poop poop poop poop poop." I started wondering whether that would be the last thing I ever saw. It was a depressing thought for a few reasons.

After several more unsuccessful attempts at getting to my feet, I finally made it. I used this as an excuse to not go to the hospital. "Hey, look at me!" I thought. "I'm doing great!

I staggered out of the bathroom and toward my friends. I remember my limbs making all sorts of spastic movements as I tried to glide along and look like nothing was wrong. I ran into the wall and ricocheted off into the other wall. It felt like I was competing against my need to go to the hospital: if I could stay upright, it meant I was fine and goddamn it, I was not about to lose that game and give up the entirety my newfound income just to make sure I wasn't dying.

I finally made it back to the bar and collapsed onto it. That's when I lost the game and decided to go to the hospital because I was legitimately scared of dying. That's also where things get hazy again. I remember the next 20 minutes in little clips. There's me lying face down in a puddle on the bar, blowing little bubbles in it while trying to breathe. Then I'm being carried out of the bar. Then I'm being driven to the hospital. I was breathing really fast; I remember that because once we got to the hospital, the intake nurse kept yelling at me to slow down my breathing and I couldn't. My entire body was shaking convulsively and I felt more cold than I have ever felt in my life. My blood pressure was 70/35. When I caught a glimpse of those little numbers on the screen, I immediately regretted ever knowing anything about medicine because my knowledge only contributed to making me feel positive that I was going to die. "Well," I thought, "this is it. My last words are going to be 'fuck you, I can't breathe any slower!'" It was all very dramatic.

As is often the case with medical emergencies, it was not immediately apparent what was wrong with me, so the doctor called for tests. Lots and lots of tests.

Blood samples are easy because they are passive. You just lie there and let the nurses stick needles in you until they are done. But urine tests require your active participation. When you are in the throes of death like I was, providing a urine specimen is a veritable quest. I could have rewritten The Iliad about my experience peeing into a cup.

I was still having a lot of trouble maintaining consciousness, so the doctor had to supervise me in the restroom.

I knew I had reached a pretty low point in my life. There I was, halfway unconscious on a toilet; trying my hardest to pee into a tiny plastic cup and not on my own hand or the floor. It sounds like a very simple goal to accomplish, but it isn't. I was crying quietly and drooling on myself. I didn't even care that a stranger was standing there watching the whole pathetic situation. In that moment, I had no dignity.

Despite my herculean efforts, the urine test didn't tell them anything. The blood test showed a slightly high white blood cell count, but other than that, it was normal. The only thing that even hinted at what could be wrong with me was my heart. After looking at my EKG, the doctor was like "Your heart is being weird." And I was like "Why is it doing that?" And the doctor was all "I don't know."

Four hours later, I wasn't dead and the doctors still couldn't figure out what was going on, so they sent me home.

As I'm sure is the case with many of you, I walk that thin line between hypochondriac and a normal level of concern about my health. So when I go through a terrifying medical saga only to come out the other side with a tentative diagnosis of "weird heart," I panic a little.

The past week has basically just been a string of moments in which I feel almost positive that I'm going to die.

I still don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm definitely not dead and I'm feeling a lot better, so that's good.

I also am feeling rather guilty for laughing my ass off at the pictures in this post, which my brain translates to laughing at YOU being sick, which is not at all true. I think I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you.

Good Lord, Allie!I was torn between laughing hysterically and resisting the urge to hug you the whole time I was reading this.Having had a similar experience myself (the diagnosis is still "your heart is being a little weird, and it'll probably stay weird, but it's not actually all that abnormal, and after a battery of tests, we've confirmed that you most likely probably won't die"), I kind of know how you feel.Take care of yourself and get rid of that fever though, chica. I'm glad you're feeling better. Eat well. Sleep. Be happy. Love,Stormy

yay!i'm glad you're not dead.i TOTALLY know the feelings you speak of.THEY SUCK!blood pressure was SUPER low and i'm pretty sure i would have thought i was dying too! some type of infection for sure.... i wonder what the hell was wrong with your heart and why they didn't do anymore tests to figure it out??? can you apply for some emergencey medical insurance for the hospital stay? i bet there's something out there.... i hope it all works out and that the heart stops acting up!!!!

Yay for not being dead!Are you sure someone didn't put rohypnol in your tea? Maybe that docter. They did watch you pee...

Also, I think there is something wrong with your equation. You can't have root negative 1 time ghost times sad cat. Maybe if you turned the ghost into a tree. If you wanted to keep the ghost however, you would probably have to do some crazy complicated para-normal-metric (seewhatididthar?) equations.

I can easily forget that I have hypochondriac tendencies until I read about medical issues or listen to people recount tales of their illnesses. So thanks, Allie. Now I'm wondering if my neck position while typing on a laptop is normal or if I could possibly have some sort of carpel tunnel-like thing (just for necks of course) because I have a laptop and occasionally experience neck pain.

I should very much like to paste the final picture (I'm not dead) on my work computer so when they find me twitching after conference call number 12 (before ten am), they can rest assured that I shall indeed survive. Mostly.

Because your magnificence is vastly greater than the worth of my life, may I offer you my heart? A transplant might do wonders and then you can order proper drinks again at the bar...

You and I are not very much alike, it turns out. If I woke up passed out on a barroom bathroom floor, my first thought would NOT be, "I'm dying." My first thought would be, "Oh shit, MY FACE IS ON THE FLOOR OF A BARROOM BATHROOM FLOOR." Gross.

Last march I didn't have insurance (my insurance had LITERALLY ended the day before) and had some freaky lady shit going on. I went to student health (still a student then) and they gave me an antibiotic that I had a 5% chance on being allergic to. They made me sit there and when nothing happened sent me home. The second I walked out of the building I started shaking... I continued to walk home and get in bed. When this didn't work I took a shower, and proceeded to vomit. I had 104 temp and made my friends cab me to the hospital (3 blocks away). Where I got every test on the planet only to be told that it wasn't an allergic reaction but they didn't know what it was. All I got was a $3000 bill that I JUST finished paying off.

I was just laughing hysterically at the depiction of you trying to pee into a cup while supervised. Then had to try and explain what I was reading to the co-workers surrounding me at this conference. I hope they think I'm into reading things about urine now.

I hope more that you didn't have to pay a whole bunch of money to find out you're not dying. I feel you on the poor (intern + grad student= all income to institution= SAD).

ok, besides being a hysterical post =), i am so happy you are feeling better. now...i have a bit of hypochondriac in me in addition to being in school for health librarianship. basically, we play "House MD" in class and look up symptoms to diagnose people. if you want our class to do this, just email me your symptoms and we would be happy to help out. i would check your blood sugar. is it possible you have diabetes? that could have been a low blood sugar crash? you would think that the er would check that, but they are stupid assholes!

As a mom, I'm upset on your mom's behalf that you didn't go to the hospital before you collapsed in the bathroom with the poopX4 graffiti. As a follower, I love this post. I'm almost happy that this happened just so that you could blog about it. And that makes me feel like a bad person. I'm a conflicted chicken. Glad you are feeling better, though.

Um, excuse me Allie, but you are not allowed to die. I only just discovered you, and still need to make plans so I can come over to Yankland, stalk you, drug you, brainwash you, whatever it takes to make you mine.

So get better, or I shall... hmmm... I'm not good at threats to dead people, so just get better.

That sounds awful! I'm glad you're not dead, though. Stupid doctors. I bet they were GOING to help you and then saw you didn't have insurance and were like "Fuck it, it's just her heart. It's not as important as it thinks, anyway."

Word on the internet street is that these things are good for your heart: http://www.health-heart.org/goodfood.htm

I relate to the whole health anxiety thing; ironically your heart starts thumping when you're anxious, too, so there's a fine line between worrying about your heart and actually having it send you into a panic attack. Bummer about the whole thing. I hope you feel all better soon.

Interesting imaginary kitten-ghost term in the denominator for that thermo-dynamic conversion; I never realized temperature of a material is a function of such interesting properties, I lol’d a lot at that one.

hello dear girl, please get temporary health insurance. i got mine through assurant. i'm looking forward to working with you on some badass advertising, over the phone mind you , b/c clearly you have malaria scleroderma virus.

I had a similar experience last year. I was out with my friend one night when I was overcome by left-side chest pain, the kind that feels like you're being stuck with a rusty nail and you can't pull it out. It came on mid-sentence, and I just collapsed in a chair and went completely pale. Left-side chest pain = death, right? I was obviously having a heart attack.

After 30 minutes I still wasn't dead. I wasn't even unconscious. But my chest felt like I had a dry towel stuck in my left lung, and my chest wall was shaking from my nervous heart. I tried to take some deep breaths, I went home, and tried to sleep. No position made it go away, but eventually I somehow slept. When it wasn't gone the next day, it was time to go to the hospital.

My pulse was ridiculously fast, but nothing was wrong with my EKG. Like you, I was watching the screen and hating that I had just taken physiology and endocrinology the previous semester, and kept pointing out various signs that my death was imminent. At one point, the hospital business associate came in to ask me if I had a place of worship and a living will. I gave them as much depressed sarcasm as I could.

After a few hours of chest x-rays and blood tests, they had no idea what was wrong with me, and sent me home.

For the following eight months, I too experienced the elevation of *itch* --> CARDIOMYOPATHY?! while I got more x-rays, CT scans, EKGs, and blood tests.

Here's the anti-climactic part: I got referred to a gastroenterologist. He did an endoscopy and found inflammation of my stomach lining, and also found that my stomach was contracting at a rate of once every three minutes. Normally, it should contract three times every minute. They did a ridiculously boring test where I ate some radioactive eggs then laid under an X-ray screen for an hour and a half while watching Jurassic Park 2. (Tech: "You can watch Jurassic Park if you want." Me: "OMG YES!!JHRK!R!J!LJL!" Tech: "It's Jurassic Park 2." Me: "Oh.")

Diagnosis: slow stomach. Idiopathic gastroparesis. I take Canadian drugs now.

Anyway, your WBCs were high, you're feeling better, looks like you fought it off. Good job. If you're still feeling self-diagnostic, and you want to sound really smart while you tell others about your tragic disease, check out the Merck Manual.

Allie! I totally feel you on the supervised peeing thing. Awhile back I was in the hospital for a week, and they wouldn't let me get out of my bed unsupervised, which of course means no unsupervised bathroom trips! I even needed help one or two times, not fun!

I was getting very worried about your non-dead-ness. Thanks for confirming your continued existence!

Ok, so I noticed a lot of people said "Hope you don't die because I like your posts" and that's selfish. They're hoping you don't die for their own benefit. I hope you don't die because you are a young, healthy person with a great boyfriend in the prime of her life and it would be tragic if you died, so don't die ok. You have a lot to live for.

You are quite possibly the only person who can make a terrifying, near-death experience utterly hilarious. I'm so glad you're feeling better! Hopefully you get a diagnosis more concrete than "weird heart" fairly quickly.

good for you not dying! i once passed out at work for no reason what so ever. i was just ringing someone up at the outlet store i work at and BAM hit the ground. my last conscious thought was the customer sneering out "is there something wrong with her?" sigh.

Seriously, though, that sounds exactly like something that happened to me when I was 21. I was never diagnosed with anything, even after the hospital visit - but I swear to this day, after researching it, that it was a "silent" heart attack. I don't mean to push you over the line you're toeing into full-blown hypochondriac territory, but ... Google it.

From reading the comments: Two or three or so are contemplating a suicide pact if you ever pass on. Several are doctors. Other are happy for your continued existence based on blog posts.

I'm also glad you're okay. I know the whole no death plzthx thing. My brother came down with soemthing while he was living here. I suddenly got it and it came with a sore throat, coughing, runny nose, fevor, chills, dizziness, and some other stuff. Luckily I'm good with web md and figured it was a common cold by myself but freaked out every five seconds with: but what if it's H1N1? What if it's the flu? What if it's strep and I have to have my tonsils removed? What if it gets worse?

Of course, walmart=no insurance+no income. I sure as hell wasn't going to go to some doctor, I'd wait it out, my brother was a litmus test to how I would feel two days later.

On the peeing in a cup: when I started for walmart we had to do the pee in the cup drug test. Luckily I wasn't sick at the time but I'm a short legged person. for some unbeknownst reason they had the toilet on a platform. To the ponit I would have had to have a stepstool to get on it. Talk about embarrasing. And they have to keep a close eye on you to make sure you're not putting some drug-disolving stuff in your pee test or sneaking in someone else's pee.

I am SO THRILLED that you are not dead. If you still don't have insurance when I finish med school I will be your doctor for free if you want. If you do have insurance I will gladly accept it. If you want. Let's face it, I kind of owe you one; you make me laugh my ass off which maintains my sanity for completing school.Hope you keep feeling better and the hypochondriac paranoia wears off soon! (Don't feel weird about that, everyone does it and every section I become totally convinced that I have something wrong with me that we studied. For example, GI was last section, and I still can't shake the belief that I have contracted intestinal parasites. Probably rare African ones and I'll need special drugs for the CDC's stock pile to get rid of them. And I haven't nearly died recently. Or been to Africa ever. I think you should've said "Your mom's weird" to that ER doc.)I'm obsessed with you in a nice, non-stalker way, just fyi! :)

First time commenting (yes you are super creepy!) but just wanted to say I, too, have gone to the hospital and have had the doctors tell me my heart is just being weird. They sent me away and told me to only worry about it if it happens again (my heart beat jumped to 200+ beats per minute for like 5 minutes then went back to normal).

This was five years ago and I'm still kicking around, so I've just determined that hearts are weird but that adults neglect to tell us these things as we're growing up. Hope my story reassures you somewhat!

Gah, that sounds terrible. Take care of yourself. I'm no doctor, and I tried looking stuff up on wiki, but there's too much there. Regardless, I think the best thing to do is not over-strain yourself, eat well and sleep well... If you can.

ALLIE! You totally had the same sickness I had. Only mine had a throat thing with it and they had to give me SUPER ANTIBIOTICS. But the fever and the sudden nausea and the hospitals and the heart and not knowing what was wrong... I JUST HAD THAT FOR TWO WEEKS. Maybe we are the first two victims of EPIDEMIC. Maybe we just had swine flu.

It's a really good thing that it's impossible to feel both horribly ill and mortified at the indignity of not being able to pee into a cup on command whilst being watched by a stranger. I think that was a just and fair thing God did for sick people, made an "embarrassment light switch" that automatically turns off when one reaches utmost of sickness. He gets a gold star and so do you for surviving your ordeal and then being so generous and writing/drawing a funny post for us, your loyal readers.

I knew you must have been really ill or you actually did win the internet and decided to buy an island and go live in the splendor of the super rich, owning lemurs and white tigers and shit.

White tigers are dangerous, even though their cute so it's better you were just really ill. Glad you're better. Have an apple, I heard it keeps the doctor away. :o)

Glad you're alive! I've definitely done that thing where I attempt to look better than I actually feel just in order to go out with friends.

Also -- a new follower! Linked from Cleolinda last week after your Alot post. Just wanted to let you know that your blog was fantastic in putting off one of my papers due this week; it made for a hilarious commute this weekend. :)

Oh Allie, I am so glad you are not dead! It would've been awkward if I started reading your blog, and felt like I was getting to know you, only to find out you had actually died in the time between your last post and when I started reading.

I was literally wondering if you were dead because you hadn't posted THIS WHOLE WEEK, and then I got on and your title was like a revelation exactly for me. Thank you for reading my mind and responding to its panicked cries.

Secondly, I swear this exact same thing happened to me last week. They made me stay on an IV for 8 hours while pumping two bags of saltwater into my blood and then said, "Your heart's weird" and sent me home.

Ugh, I know what this is like. Same thing when I ended up in the hospital for a gallbladder attack... liver enzymes out of whack, pancreatitis, etc... I kept nearly passing out on the toilet. In those moments, you just don't have the energy to worry about being an embarrassing wreck.

Holy Hell, Allie...I know exactly how you feel. I have a serious case of White-Coat Fever, and am always terrified of going to the doctor. Probably doesn't help that I'm morbidy obese and am pretty sure that when I finally DO get around to going, he's going to tell me I have cancerousbreastdiabetestypeebola or something exotic like that and that I have 4 days left to live. Any adice for a fellow hypochondriac? :) On the flip side, glad to hear you are doing better & are on the mend!

Strangely enough I had a similar experience a while back. I had a fever and I was hanging around at a bar with friends. A buddy turned to me and said, "Andy, you look like ass, get to the hospital." Upon getting to the hospital I was given a bunch of tests and turned out I had Mono and I had a fever of 102.

I haven't been reading your blog for very long but I freaking love it. I hope you get better soon Allie. Although at least you can tell people you have "a bum ticker", which I rather like the sound of.

As I find myself sitting here, having never commented before but kinda thinking that maybe you're my soulmate and wearing the "YAAAAAY" exploding with rainbows shirt that just came in the mail today, thinking 1) I'm really, really glad you're not dead also 2) the "Yay, I'm not dead" Allie picture at the end of this post should totally be your next t-shirt, I give you my word I will buy one. I've requested your friendship on facebook, I feel kind of bad that I didn't write a personal message to go along with it... I was going to, I wanted to write you're funny as shit, but then I was thinking, man shit can be pretty unfunny at times, and I didn't want you to misconstrue it as an insult, so I wimped out and wrote nothing. Anyways, so what do you think about giraffes? Your blog rocks, and I will definately never lok at geese the same way.

oh no that's terrible. I have found that ER doctors tend to be like that. Order lots of tests that only serve to rule out everything and then when they can't think of anything more to do to you they send you home. Sounds like it was just a really nasty virus.Feel better, and keep doodling. :D

I'm very glad you aren't dead. In other news, being able to pee in a cup while in the throes of death is amazing...this weekend I was stranded on the side of the road at night and had to pee really bad. Since there were cars driving by, I didn't want to pop a squat on the side of the road, so I decided to pee in a cup in my car...yeah, I peed all over myself and my car. Not fun. Not fun at all. Hope you feel better.Love, Kat

First off, I'm glad you're feeling better. Any follow-up appts with a cardiologist on the horizon? I'm with you on the headache = tumor.

Second,after having been forced to pee in a cup for every prenatal visit, I decided that peeing in a cup should be a womens' Olympic event. I think in your state, you would have taken home the gold, girl.

I'm trying to get over this wretched chest cold which has mostly left except for a hacking, awful cough that won't stop, and then I start reading your post, and I start laughing and laughing which then turns to coughing horribly while laughing, until I feel like I'm going to puke, and then I start running out of air, but I can't stop laughing/coughing/almost puking....

Yeah, so I almost died, too, as a result of whatever it was you had. Get better! Sounds like the Martian Death Flu that I had a long time ago. It didn't quite kill me, so I guess it must have made me stronger. Hope you got stronger, too.

1. I'm glad you're not dead. 2. I love your blog. I found it when you wrote about The Alot. And I like the Alot a lot. It makes my day better. 3. I hope you feel better soon, and that the doctors give you a better diagnosis than weird heart. 4. Weird Heart could be a new movie, along the lines of Braveheart. Picture it: You, played by Reese Witherspoon, crumpled up in a toilet stall with the poop graffiti over your head. Saved by a doctor, played by Matthew McConaughey, who kind of gets a little smirky when he has to watch you try to pee in a cup.

I tried SO hard not to laugh while reading your post, but mostly because I can TOTALLY relate!Your blog is awesome, I'm glad you're not dead. Who would rule the internet if you died?BTW, I recently discovered that at some point in our adult lives we have to accept the fact that a medical doctor's job is about 80% guess work. Scary shit.

I will be looking forward to your inevitable "I have hospital bills to pay!" fundraiser. I'm sure it will be epic, mostly because hospital bills are. When I went to the ER 'cause I was having trouble breathing, it ended up being more than a semester's tuition. x(

Did you mention the punch-loving person symptom to the docs at the hospital, btw? I always forget stuff when I'm at the doc; they'll ask what my symptoms are and I'll say, "I'm sick make me better now!" It's not helpful with the diagnostic process.

YAY for feeling better. And THERE. I did it. I read every single post you've posted. ever. In two days. At the expense of my social life, credibility, and the few lectures I attended today. But it was totally worth it because you're fantastic!

I was diagnosed with heart weirdness as a teenager, and I immediately forgot what the exact medical name of it was. I was too embarrassed to admit that I forgot what it was, so I went for about 10 years just calling it heart weirdness until I finally grabbed my chart off the door when the doctor was around the corner so that I could go through it and find out what it was called. Then, I could actually look it up and find out what was going on.

Basically, the Internet told me that my heart is just kind of weird and not to worry about it too much. So, I don't. See- happy endings are possible!

Here's to you not being dead! I think I had a nearly identical episode in college altough I was drinking tea at home instead of a bar and was yelled at on the way to the hospital by an EMT because he thought I was on drugs. The doctor told me that coffee is not a substitute for food and by increasing my calories and decreasing my caffeine I could avoid these situations in the future. Perhaps you'll get an equally disappointing diagnosis!

A "weird heart" (who the fuck was this guy? Dr. Giggles?) is not going to give you a fever like that. And I'm assuming that they were able to rule out Sepsis (a blood infection) from your blood work, otherwise, you would've mentioned that detail in your post, no?

Your heart was likely freaking out BECAUSE you had a fever and BECAUSE you weigh, like, four pounds and you just had CAFFEINE (HELL-O? Tea anyone?).

So, the lesson to be learned here is: use CLEAN needles when shooting smack. MmmKAY!?

You're not going to die. At least not from anything heart-related. Today.

I am totally, hopelessly, disturbingly addicted to your blog after "stumbling" across it. LMFAO....I have not laughed that hard in a long time which means that the people in my office think that I am more clinically insane then they did before.... :/

I'm really glad that you're feeling better. I've been checking your blog rather compulsively waiting for a new post and now I feel kinda bad being so impatient since you were almost dead and all. I'll try to be a little more patient this time. Happy that you're feeling better though...your blogs are like crack to me :)

Excellent reporting. Now please continue to follow up and go to the doctor. The tax payers of the USA will gladly foot the bill, I'm sure. If it's any consolation as you move through your terrifying medical crisis, my baby boy looks great in the Shark bear onsie.

What happened to you sounds a lot like what happened to me when I had an ovarian cyst burst - extremely high fever, difficulty standing, and a complete inability to stay awake for more than 5 minutes. Maybe that's what happened? I apologize if I induce a fit of hypochondria, but if something like that is the case I figure you'd sleep more soundly knowing that it's not AIDSbola or anything like that.

Dumb bartender!! why do they offer raspberry tea in a bar if no-one's supposed to order it? Go back there and tell him it was the one thing that probably kept your blood pressure high enough that you DIDN'T die and you're so grateful to them that you'll be back every week from now on to order it again and again! and you'll tell all your friends and they'll come too ...PS i'm glad you didn't die, keep writing your stories that no-one else has the courage / creativity to tell - heather (australia)

I was hit by some food poisoning while at a restaurant/bar once. I too passed out in the bathroom. Once I crawled back to my table packed with my friends I passed out again only to wake up long enough to throw up in numerous empty pint glasses. I hit the floor. The paramedics were called. I kept barfing. People were staring at me in open-mouthed with their hamburgers halfway to their faces.

That's when I saw him, my ex-husband at the bar with his wife. He might have been smiling...

btw Margaret - i have just quit my job with a dentist after less than 2 years, told them i would rather be unemployed (which i have been now for 5-6 weeks) than work for them. They were so f***ing judgmental - "we should judge people by the shoes they wear" (NO you F***ING shouldn't!!) Don't let them intimidate you - march in there, head held high "I'm in pain, you're working in a "caring" profession, just FIX IT arsehole!! or give me a damn good reason why not, and don't empty my bank account and look down your nose at me!" [expand as necessary]ps i think the counselling is helping, and i may have another job (NO, NO not for a dentist, NOT AGAIN!!!!) soon ...heather