24 Ways Men Are Just Like Babies

1. They somehow decide they hate any new food item before ever having tried it. OK, but you've literally never had sushi, so how can you possibly hate it? Would you rather just eat actual baby food?

2. When you don't give them enough attention, like if you forget to reply to their text for 15 minutes, they throw hissy fits. It's been less than an hour, you don't get to send me a million "????" texts and start calling me unless it's a truly urgent matter.

3. Before literally any important meeting or work event, they have to Google things like "business casual?" and "black tie optional?" so they know what to wear. And the worst part is that business casual is so much easier for men than it is for women. So much easier.

4. If they wake up with even the slightest little tickle in their throat or a singular (one) booger in their nose, they call in sick. Men literally always think they're "getting sick" unless they wake up feeling like an Adonis.

5. When they actually are sick, they turn their living room into DEFCON 5 and basically act as if they might die at any given moment. It doesn't matter that you went to work all last week with the same cold; if you're not there to make sure he has a constant supply of the right brand of pulp-free orange juice, his blood is on your hands.

6. And yet, even when they have a serious injury like a clearly broken ankle, they refuse to go to the doctor unless you physically force them to go. Unclear if this is because men are low-key still afraid of shots, or if they just think their big, tough man bodies can heal themselves. I don't get it. Is going to the doctor just as bad as asking for directions? Who can say?

7. When they do something cool or even a little impressive, they definitely expect elementary school teacher-level praise for it. A gold star for every time you remember to change the Brita filter! Isn't life fun?

8. Despite having outgrown breastfeeding years ago, they still have an insatiable love for boobies. I get that sucking on a nipple is foreplay, but are you doing that because you think it's hot or because it kind of reminds you of when you were an actual baby?

9. Out at a nice restaurant, they peruse the entire menu and then ask the waiter if they can get a cheeseburger, chicken nuggets, or some other entree they could've just gotten at McDonald's. I don't think they realize how embarrassing this is for all parties involved.

10. They make it impossible to sleep through the night because they either toss and turn, or wake you up with their nighttime boners, craving 3 a.m. sex. Maybe they fall asleep immediately after orgasming because they literally never sleep all night long.

11. If you cuddle them when they're not exactly in the mood for cuddling, they get fussy and cranky. As babies, this resulted in temper tantrums. As adults, it's not that much different.

12. When they decide they need new clothes, they go shopping in exactly one store, find nothing they like, and then immediately just give up. I'm not going to buy your dumb T-shirts for you! It's not that hard to just buy your own T-shirts! There are other stores!

13. If you don't cook spaghetti sauce exactly the way their mom did it, they not only notice, but ask you if you did something weird to the recipe. Look, buddy, there's more than one way to make red sauce, and I'm sure as fuck not going to call your mom and get her recipe just to please you.

14. They often need to be changed before going out somewhere. No, Todd, you can't wear your golf shoes to this very nice social outing that's been on the calendar for three weeks and that you totally knew about in advance.

15. When they get a new toy like a cell phone or power tool or whatever, they disappear into their room and spend all day playing with it. The rest of the world does not stop moving when you get a new plaything.

16. Even as grown-ass men, they still order ketchup with their $50 steaks. The chef would cry if he knew you were putting sugary tomato sauce on his perfectly cooked steak, BTW.

17. They have a tendency to respond in monosyllabic grunts like "humph," or "blegh." Oh, is that how you acknowledge you're listening to me? By making an indiscernible caveman sound? Cool.

18. Their bedroom floors are constantly littered with dirty clothes — especially socks — because putting their things in the hamper would just require too much work. The hamper is literally right there, no more than 12 inches away from the dirty sock that's been on the floor for a week. It's not that hard!

19. Any time you go to the beach or out on a hike or something, they ask you to put their dumb sunscreen or baseball hat or whatever in your bag, because, hey, you're already carrying one! Sure, all women are your personal pack mules and men are incapable of carrying their own bags. I get it. It's fine.

20. They skip hungry and immediately go to hangry, and hangry involves a lot of temper tantrums. The best part is that they fully expect food to be prepared for them or delivered to them, because men can't figure out how to just prepare food for themselves in such a troubled state.

21. If they can't figure out how to do something the first time they try it, they totally give up and say, "I CAN'T, why don't you just do it?" I know what's happening here. You're just pretending you don't know how to wash dishes because you don't want to do it. STEP ASIDE.

22. They can be living in a literal garbage dump but won't clean anything until someone orders them to do so. It cannot possibly be comfortable living amidst half-eaten bowls of cereal and whatever else is growing on that plate that's been next to your bed for three weeks. But the best is when they show you their old coffee cup that's growing mold and are like, "Haha, look, science!"

23. They can't sit still for three minutes of commercials without finding some other form of entertainment to make them happy. The commercials will be over before you figure out which channel Shrek 2 is playing on, just please, be patient. Thanks!

24. They call out across the house to ask where the leftover pizza went, even though they're standing directly in front of the open refrigerator and you're upstairs doing something else, far away. Like, can you not just look for yourself? I do not have X-ray vision that allows me to see through the walls and locate your dumb leftover pizza. I'll let you know when that finally happens for me though.

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