"Reality has a well-known liberal bias."

Last Sunday, the pinkos at the BBC held a posh little get-together to announce the next title character on their flagship television series: Doctor Who.

In case you are a patriot, and therefore don’t know anything about foreign stuff, Doctor Who is a television show that is basically an amalgamation of James Bond and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. It is a blasphemous celebration of Satanism (see: The Satan Pit), pansexuality (see: Captain Jack Harkness), beastiality (Harkness, again), and a universe where everything exists except the Christian God.

Fans of Doctor Who, mostly congregated on the homosexual pornography website Tumblr, have been speculating for months over who would be chosen to replace current star, Matt Smith. Since the role has been played by white men for the last fifty years, one politically correct Tumblr user expressed the hope that this time a black lesbian with a tail should take over the role.

This request received over 150,000 “notes” on the site, most of which came after another user pinned their illustration of former Doctor Who star David Tennant rubbing his phallus on Dalek. I should point out that the Daleks are portrayed in a terribly biased way, but are really the most amicable characters on the show.

Fans were deeply saddened, but not surprised, when the show announced that Peter Capaldi, another white male, would be the new star. This happily reaffirms that the institutional discrimination against white men really can be overcome as long as white men fight hard enough!

However, that said, this is still not welcome news, my fellow patriots. You see…Peter Capaldi is still British …. and more importantly, not at all American!

It just doesn’t make sense. Why would the BBC want to make the main character of a popular television show… a foreigner?

Of course, there have been some noble attempts to cast an American as the hero of Doctor Who. Steven Spielberg took a crack at the show in the 1990s, and director David Yates tried to make a Hollywood film based on the franchise. But none of these attempts was ever entirely successful.

Why not? Is it because of the deep jealousy that the British have that their “spinoff country” has been consistently beating them in the ratings for over two centuries?

Or is it because Hollywood is run by LIBERALS?

The anti-American liberal agenda is clearly driving the entertainment industry away from casting hardworking Americans, who every day move to Los Angeles and pull themselves up by their bootstraps only to have their dreams crushed by the redcoats taking our jobs.

Doctor Who may be a British production, but … actually, how did we even allow that to happen in the first place?

It’s illegal to bring Cuban cigars into the United States, so why do we let the British infiltrate our number one export, television entertainment, with their timey wimey spaceman malarkey?

And while this foreign Doctor Who continues to gain a foothold in America, much like the creeping rise of Islamic radicalism, what is President Obama doing to protect our own economy and jobs?

Nothing.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

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I never thought about how biased this show was from a conservative viewpoint. So this means that the Daleks are examples of good conservative republicans, right? They are war-hungry, racist, and quite willing to use the lazier (aka poor) races to build their empire.

And don’t forget the Doctor has to hide the opulence of his home inside a drab police box, lest the screaming socialist hordes demand a cut. The Tardis is like a wobbly wobbly timely wimey offshore account.