man i still miss CHRIS FARLEY. watching his stuff still makes me laugh.

its between him and NORM MACDONALD for my favorite comedians of all-time. i can't choose.

this might come off as tone deaf or unsympathetic, but normally when a celebrity passes on i am not that affected by it on a personal level. don't get me wrong, i have compassion for the family of the deceased and the suffering they must be going through. but i don't usually take the next step and feel personally affected. i didn't know them personally. i can't think of another celebrity i had such a strong reaction to upon learning of their demise. not even KURT COBAIN or later PHIL HARTMAN and OL' DIRTY BASTARD. FARLEY still stands out to me as uniquely american tragedy, as our culture promotes narcissism through empty capitalism, but never checks the dark underbelly of consumer culture that defines our self-image.

to me FARLEY's passing was different. his death from a speedball overdose in 1997 happened during my middle school years and it bummed me out. sounds selfish, i felt like something was taken from me when he died. like we were all deprived of his brilliance. dude was so vivacious and full of life, he just seemed like a force of nature in his performances which were so intense it had an almost kinetic energy that just sucked you in from its sheer force of will.

it is so tragic to know now that his performances were fueled by pain and insecurity. being overweight and seeing his father ridiculed growing up for his weight issues in rural WISCONSIN just breaks my heart. what really gets me is the idea that the gift for which he was celebrated for, his humor and larger-than-life personality, was born out of a desperation for feeling like a social outcast due to his stature. his acting out a way of gaining attention and notoriety and at its base, love and adoration. the feeling that his frame made him unlovable.

that idea still makes me sad. that his gift was his curse. being celebrated for your sublimated creative expression of deep unbridled pain and social anxiety.

i love the guy 20+ years later and i still miss him even though i never knew him. dude was a legend.