Congressional Emails About HRC Leaked!

president-erect

From: Mitch McConnellDate: November 9, 2016 at 8:02:53 AMTo: Rand Paul, John McCain, Marco Rubio, John Boozman, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, John Thune, Richard Shelby, James Lankford, rbGGG@gmail.orgSubject: Well that was close!Well gentlemen—we did it. The seemingly impossible. We protected the White House.I mean, sure, now we’re stuck with a President who wants an outright anti-Semite and white supremacist to be his Chief Strategist, who thinks the children who are running his businesses should also have top-level government security clearances, who keeps texting me to ask what it is a President does exactly and whether it’s kind of like winning homecoming king, where you just make appearances at “supermarket openings and keggers” and get first pick of “the hotties with bodies,” but gosh, imagine if we were stuck with a woman? Like, the President. A Woman. The guy who meets heads of state and picks up the phone in the Oval Office and appears in humanizing late night interviews, making everyone think Wow, I wish the President was my dad but. . . a woman. Understandably that would’ve been a nightmare.

Is President-elect Donald Trump lacking in certain regards? Is it unprecedented and absolutely terrifying that none of us know what he actually wants to do and who his team will be? Should we be concerned over Trump and Putin’s bad bromance? Yes. But the Oval Office simply isn’t equipped to cater to or satisfy a female and her various bodily humors for four years! Knowing what I do about women, their bodies, their trickery and deceit, and their penchant for sugar cubes and apple slices, I can assure you that a Clinton presidency just wouldn’t have worked.

What if during an important call with a foreign leader, her womb started wandering around her body, which I have heard it can do—it makes the woman very hysterical, no surprise. I have no interest in searching for anyone’s womb. Certainly not when I have inherited Boehner’s tee time.

From: Ted CruzDate: November 9, 2016 at 8:12:11 AMTo: Rand Paul, John McCain, Marco Rubio, John Boozman, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, John Thune, Richard Shelby, James Lankford, rbGGG@gmail.orgSubject: Re: Well that was close!You’re right about that wandering womb danger, Mitch—seven months a year, I can’t touch my wife or even look at her because that’s when her ovaries are recharging and her skin becomes very sensitive to allow in more carbon dioxide and dew. It’s like photosynthesis in a way. My wife says it can sometimes take as long as a whole year for ovaries to recharge so we should bear that in mind, going forward. With all those pantsuits, I can’t imagine that Hillary Clinton is getting the necessary air and moisture. We truly avoided a disaster.

We should all be thankful that the Oval Office doesn’t have to be refitted with an actual toilet now. I would’ve missed the Teddy Roosevelt urinal trough. It gives government the spirit of a good ol’ American baseball game.

HRC probably would’ve needed some sort of gallery or walk-in closet to place her collection of heads, the ones she isn’t using on a given day, like the witch Mombi in Return to Oz. We would’ve had to find money somewhere in the budget to build out a private hallway off the Oval Office since she would’ve needed to swap heads—female heads get tired or trapped in specific emotions/facial expressions very easily. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has clearly been using the same head for far too long and can only express scorn nowadays. That woman is terrifying. She touched my arm once and I still can’t grow body hair in that spot.

Temperature would’ve been a concern. Women are always chilly, which is why I keep my wife wrapped in a sleeping bag and five seal furs and just drag her around our house using fine leather straps tethered to my shoulders, like I’m a Yukon sled dog. The cold is especially dangerous during a woman’s weekly perioding. Does anyone know offhand of any recorded instances of a woman falling prey to an autumnal breeze and dying on the spot? I could have one of my staffers look it up and use the info to discredit Nancy Pelosi or Elizabeth Warren the next time they get mouthy.

On Wed, Nov 9, 2016 at 8:15 AM, John Thune <thethunethuneroom@thune.senate.gov> wrote:every1 knows that women r like lizards – they need to bask in direct sunlight for at least 6 hrs or else their body temps drop, they aren’t able 2 produce vitamin d + they lose ability 2 regenerate limbs. a sunning room for the new 1st lady is nonnegotiable.Sent from my iPhone

Hillary should’ve been disqualified from the start. Have on good authority that women are from Venus. At the beginning of the election I reached out to my NASA contacts and was told point-blank that it’s impossible to recreate Venus’ sulfuric atmosphere in the White House. So we actually did Hillary a favor by ensuring that she didn’t get elected!

Someone made mention of this and while I know none of us want to talk about it, it’s important to fully face the horror we avoided—menstruation. Was it expected that we would allow that to just go on, unabated, in the White House? In the same halls that President Lincoln walked? I guess we would’ve passed an injunction. At the very least someone would’ve had to assemble a confessional-like structure, complete with separate doors and a latticed opening for Clinton to pass memos and papers through, since surely one can’t make physical contact with a woman during that time. Now that I’m thinking about it, a special menstruation box is a great idea—perhaps we can install one in the Senate, for all the new lady Senators. We can outfit it with fun treats (little feathers, shiny bells, toy mice) and the ladies can hide until they’re fixed.

can’t believe i’m the 1st to say it – we should create a lake. not in the w.h but at least on the premises. a woman may not be president now but one was 2 close 4 comfort. we must take precautions + safeguard the future. if a woman is elected president 32 years from now, how will they routinely check 2 make sure she hasn’t consorted w/ the devil + turned into a witch? we should build a lake. witches don’t sink.Sent from my iPhone

Should we pool together some money and buy a welcome gift for Mrs. Trump? Well, to be honest, I already went ahead a bought some candles – if everyone just Venmo’d me about $30, that would cover the amount I spent. And please don’t make it a joke like last time and write mean captions. It really isn’t funny, you guys!!! The candles are really nice, I’m sure Mrs. Trump will like them. One is candied-pumpkin-scented!

Has anyone thought about repapering the walls in the White House for Melania, Ivanka, and the other one? Obviously the walls need to be duller—maybe just plaster over everything or lay down concrete/stone? As I’m sure you all know, women are easily startled by colors, patterns, bright lights, and shadows. A cloud passed over the sun and my wife was in the shade for no more than 30 seconds and she didn’t get out of bed for four months.

Colette is a writer and purveyor of dick jokes not using her college degree in Brooklyn. She writes about comedy, sex, intersectional feminism, and Judy Blume, oftentimes in all-caps, for sites like Refinery29, Details, xoJane, and Nerve, and @calledcolette. Leading scientists theorize that she’s actually just three VHS copies of The Craft stacked in a trench coat.