Whoever still buys into this “flying the friendly skies” bullshit ought to be taken out of their misery. I know it’s hard not to believe in your fellow man and trust they can be civil in the skies but that’s not how it works. Traveling by air has a different code of conduct. Not many people do it regularly enough to recognize this though and get their panties in a bunch when they do. If these numbskulls could get it through their heads that getting trashed is the only way to travel by air, maybe they’d enjoy themselves more and stop worrying about other passengers’ etiquette.

People are always complaining about air travel like some Jerry Seinfeld bit on crack. I don’t know if it’s because they believe everything advertisers say or if they think dropping a couple hundred gives them the right to a few hours of luxury but they shouldn’t and it doesn’t. If someone wants to fly like they believe all people are entitled to then they should buy a private jet or spend a few extra on the nice seats. Both of those are going over the top, though. Sitting in a cramped seat for a while is no big deal and dealing with assholes is no problemo, especially when you’re hammered out of your gourd. It’s how you’re supposed to do it.

Flying isn’t supposed to be luxurious. It’s not nearly as awful as some pussies crack it up to be, either. The way everyone talks about it, you’d think every flight was a train ride to Auschwitz. I don’t know why this is. By now, everyone should expect to put up with some pretty terrible behavior. Everyone does on their daily commute. Whether you drive, walk, or take the bus to work you’re going to be dealing with some asshole acting like a piece of shit. Why wouldn’t you expect the same getting on a plane with a bunch of other idiots? What makes flying so much better than other forms of transportation is they take care of everything for you. You have no responsibilities and nothing is expected of you. As long as you don’t endanger or kill other passengers, you’re cool. That’s what makes it perfect for getting plastered. It not only helps the trip go by quicker, it’s easier to ignore all the rude shit people do.

There’s really no such thing as being rude when on an airplane. It’s every man for himself, unless you’re traveling with someone else. In which case, it’s a group effort. That means if your travel partner gets too drunk or in a fight, that shits on you too. Other than that, you shouldn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else’s behavior. All you should be worried about is making sure the drinks keep on coming and you don’t end up pissing yourself or puking more than those little bags can hold. If you want to be a polite little poof and make sure everyone else is having an enjoyable trip, by all means. But if you’re not an employee of the airlines, just know you are going above and beyond your expected duties as a passenger.

Getting drunker than dog shit before getting on a plane may not sound like the brightest idea in the world. If you’re trying to get from point A to point B, without losing all your shit or getting arrested, it’s probably best to have your wits about you. Flying isn’t like other forms of transportation, though. All you’re doing is sitting there. Sure, you may have to catch a connecting flight and doing that blacked out drunk can make it a little difficult. I haven’t been allowed to board a plane before for being too drunk but mistakes happen and if you know what you’re doing, it shouldn’t be all too big of a deal. Getting absolutely smashed does make it more likely for some people to pull the trigger on throwing a fist at some jerk-off’s head, too. But for those who tend to get violent when drunk, there’s always prescription drugs to throw in the mix.

Popping a few Xanax and pounding a couple drinks is the perfect way to fly. Sitting next to a drunk and bored stranger can be pretty awful, even if you’re annihilated. The shit people have no problem saying when strapped in next to one another is pretty entertaining but it can get old after a while. All of that can be avoided by adding a few xanny bars to your pre-flight liquid diet. You just have to time it right, get in your seat, and recline your new most comfortable bed ever. Some delicate dingleberries find this rude and dangerous. That’s their problem, though. If they knew how to fly properly, they wouldn’t even notice. They’d also be fully reclined and passed out with their heads to the side. You don’t have to worry about missing your stop or dying, either. Everyone who works on airplanes knows CPR or something and they’ll practically carry you off the thing when the flights over.

The airlines are the people who came up with this idea of being friendly and courteous to everyone else on the plane. And the only reason they try to push the idea is to make their own lives easier. Yes, it would be great if the traveling public knew how to act like decent human beings but they don’t. Expecting them to is not only unrealistic, it’s setting yourself up for disappointment and aggravation. You’re better off getting annihilated and only caring about yourself. If everyone got on board with it, flying would be easier than it already is.

You can get too plastered on a flight. I was recently too shit faced and passed out. I woke up with an oxygen mask on me and the flight attendant asking if I was okay. The pilot had to keep reporting to the tower that I was okay or they would have made an emergency landing to take me off. Half the plane had dagger eyes on me like “I swear to God if he lands this plane in Denver we will all fucking kill you.” I was lucky enough to pull it together and not vomit everywhere. So they will land the plane to take you off, pissing off 200 people.

John Pittsley is Street Carnage’s “Andy Rooney of 60 minutes” and just as annoying. When you write your stupid trivial questions I hear his whiny voice, albeit far more gross. You try to come across as an edgy shit lord with that contrarian bull shit but end up sounding like a retarded version of Alfred E. Neumann – except he was funny and a genius compared to you. Thanks for being my personal piñata Juanito.

^ Undoubtedly the highest compliment the unlettered bum has received, and only possible in the vast wasteland of the post typewriter universe that the internet allows. Pittsley is that Darwinian monkey who with enough time can pound out one of Shakespeare’s sonnets. Meanwhile it’s nothing but poo flinging to see what sticks.

Thank Bacchus I’ve never been black out drunk on a flight as I had a bad habit of whipping out my cock in bars and parties when I reached that state of mind. I never remembered, but the videos don’t lie and showed a ladies man who loved to show off his, if I may humbly admit, life of the party, blue vein entertainer. I finally learned my lesson from the school of hard knocks and these days am a wine sipper. That’s what marriage, fatherhood and being a journalist who wants to write the stories, not be the story, will do to you if you’re smart. Still I can imagine that happening on a flight as I drunkenly stumble down the aisle with my cock a swaying asking “who the fuck wants to join me in the cockpit five mile high club, bottoms up!”

I don’t need alcohol when I am flying. I just sing this happy song from “Peter Pan” called “I’m Flying” Some people get annoyed at first, but when I get the little children on the flight to sing with me, everybody cannot help but smile and smile!
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I was tanked on a flight (free drinks in shitty domestic first class upgrade) a few years ago and when trying to hand off an almost empty to the stew fumbled the can onto my neighbors laptop keyboard. A quarter ounce or so of stale beer leaked into it. I was pretty embarrassed. But then again the guy was a total jew dweeb editing stupid sizzle real videos. He probably works for gavin.

I offered to give the guy a hundo for the possible hassle of having to clean the thing, but he was oddly gracious about it and declined. I’d have flipped my shit if it was my laptop.

Anyway, here’s a protip for flying: cyproheptadine. Super easy to score on ebay. It’s just a first generation antihistamine, vaguely like benadryl (diphenhydramine). It’s not a narcotic or anything like that. But it works so much better for just knocking you out for six hours, and it doesn’t have weird grogginess and dry sinus side effects like benadryl. Sometimes after a stressful day when I know I’ll have trouble sleeping I’ll take a quarter pill (half gram) or whatever. It’s really amazing stuff.

Ah, you can’t fool anyone with that malarkey. Hey, have you guys heard of a writer named Israel Shamir? He’s great! He’s got a great column over at The Unz Review called Yuletide Trump! Check it out! Merry Christ mas!