When one considers the many issues captains have to deal with, several stress generators immediately spring to mind: selecting a team, having to drop underperforming players, having to re-pick said dropped players due to last minute call-offs (always pretty awkward conversations), batting order, bowling options, explaining woeful results to the committee (a problem we solved at university by not having a committee), etc etc.

However, possibly one of the most crucial decisions, and one that is a constant source of migraines for many amateur captains, is which of your players to volunteer for the dreaded umpiring duties. Granted, this is not a decision that the likes of Andrew Strauss, Chris Gayle or even Ricky Ponting will worry about, but in more “casual” cricket leagues, choosing umpires wisely can give you that vital edge over your opponents.

Now, before I continue, I would just to like to point out that in no way do I, nor any team I have ever represented (even those captained by the infamous Buck and the Glaswegian fishmonger, despite claims to the contrary – especially concerning the latter) condone umpiring skulduggery of any sort.

Prior to sentencing them to their 15-over stints, we do not instruct our umpires to keep their fingers firmly entrenched in their pockets, as that would:

a) Make the entire idea of playing cricket rather pointless really, and...

b) Be equivalent to inciting a riot. They may, however, be advised to make sure a batsman is absolutely stone dead, a yard inside his crease, hit on the full on middle and off, bat miles away from the ball, and holding up the run rate anyway, before even contemplating raising that wicked finger and condemning the ill-fated batsman to the pavilion, where, regardless of the facts, the umpire will be the subject of much heated blaspheming and general abuse.

After which he will inevitably be replaced.

By now you must realise that picking individuals for umpiring duties is a very delicate task. Instinctively one would simply want to pick the youngest players in the team and make them do the dirty work. Which would serve them right, being so young and all. Unfortunately umpiring is not for the weak-minded, and as soon as the opposition team realises that they are dealing with fresh meat, they will be looking for blood; the appeals will become more frequent, vociferous and extensive, until the inexperienced umpire is reduced to a shivering bundle of nerves. Eventually his juvenile reflexes will throw a finger skyward in the interest of self-preservation. At which point the kid will be swiftly replaced by the skip, who will have just remembered the First Rule of Self-Umpired Games: never send a boy to do a man’s job.

Unfortunately it is never as simple as that. Even if one obeys the First Rule, there are a multitude of other factors to contend with. You must be able to recognise those individuals who really (and I do mean really) hate umpiring. If, somehow, the captain manages, by force usually, to get such a person to don the white jacket, one will be faced with two scenarios; the person in question will either:

a) Trigger all batsmen, or...

b) Give absolutely nothing until the captain comes in to bat, whom he will quickly send packing at the first hint of an appeal (if he doesn’t give him timed out beforehand). The sadistic b****d in question will of course be given due punishment in the short term, but will gain in the long term by never being asked to umpire again.

Of course, in addition to being crucial to the outcome of the game, self-umpiring can have far more serious consequences. Relationships can be ruptured forever on the back of one TERRIBLE decision. The capitals in the previous sentence may have given you an indication that I speak from cruel, bitter experience.

Picture the scene: a young, inexperienced cricketer going through the most fragile phase of his teenage years has finally managed to cobble together a score of over 10 runs. For the first (and pretty much last) time ever, he experiences that warm glow that proper sportsmen feel when they are in “the zone”. Suddenly he middles a ball onto his pad, which is as usual flopping somewhere near square leg. He hears a polite enquiry in the distance, the batsman looks up to see what all the fuss is about. He sees his older brother wearing a white coat up the other end. “Oh that’s pleasant, he’s smiling at me as if in encouragement”. Then said brother puts his finger up and comprehension dawns. I have been betrayed by my own kin.

Let’s just says that since that day eight years ago, not a birthday or family holiday has gone by without either a tremendous slanging match or bitter, frosty silence. I still maintain that had he not been jealous of my batting success that day and sent me off for a premature shower, I could have been the next Tom de Grooth. And he is very famous – honestly.

But, having said all that, you may be wondering what my umpiring is like? I have only one thing to say to that: “Yes Jezz, you were out. It’s been 10 years - get over it!”

Following a thorough review process we have concluded that the alleged appalling decision by the alleged older brother was, in fact, atrocious. There is no right of appeal.

On a separate matter we would like to clarify another point. Stats from incomplete matches do not count: ton or no ton. This means that the alleged ton remains just that - alleged - and is worth none.

Hobbit
on August 12, 2010, 9:12 GMT

My personal favourite moment as an umpire in recent memory was being the man in the hotseat when Buck Escobar was bowled off of a wide a few weeks ago.

Sounds bizzare, but it was truly a sight to behold, and i was delighted that i was in the box seat to witness it first hand...

Satish
on August 11, 2010, 13:42 GMT

I opened the batting in a game where we were chasing 140 in 20 overs. We scored 64 in the first 8(I even played out a maiden!!). Then the guy who was smashing it at the other end was given out LBW by the Ump, our Capt. I thought it pitched outside leg and the batsman said he had actually inside-edged it!!!! We lost by 7 runs.

Byrner
on August 11, 2010, 9:53 GMT

Hi Rene....takes me back to the start of the season.....when i fingered our best all rounder....who i was convinced was plum salmon trout.....ahhhh the memories....keep up the good work mate ;]

Hitch
on August 11, 2010, 5:52 GMT

Rene – I loved your comments, interesting and insightful. You played state juniors. Wow! And to learn that “in club cricket the umpire is from the batting side”, was such a revelation. I was always wondering why we were a player short when fielding and why each innings only lasted 10 deliveries. Maybe we should use umpires from the batting team rather than the fielding team.

Damian
on August 11, 2010, 2:46 GMT

I once umpired my own team and gave the skipper out ( he was dead plumb BTW). This caused major chaos, to the point where after the day's play he basically challenged me to a fight and threatened all kinds of things ( never occured). I am happy to say that I survived the early forays into umpiring as a youngster and now am an active umpire in Canberra at first grade and rep level. Not all bad experiences will put you off something.

David
on August 10, 2010, 23:43 GMT

In the juniours leagues around here it's the teams captains who umpire (i remember both team coachs shared it).
I always remember one game where our coachs was standing at the bowlers end stumps while one of our not so good players came into bowl, as he went into his action and went to bring his arm around the ball somehow slipped out of the back of his hand and went right into the coachs netherregions and he dropped.

Unmesh
on August 10, 2010, 19:25 GMT

In our cricket club, there are no fines for showing dissent at umpire's decision since there is no match fees in the first place (in fact the players have to pay a registration fee!). I hardly see a player leaving quietly after being given out LBW. It's always "going down the leg" for him.

Kishore
on August 10, 2010, 13:48 GMT

I myself remember that while I was batting, my umpire who incidentally was also the captain ( as we did not have the 12th man to do umpiring) did not give me out stumped on a wide ball

I am thankful to such an umpire

20/20 vision
on August 10, 2010, 13:47 GMT

I was at the game where your brother gave you out LBW. The ball hit you on your big toe halfway in the crease bang in the line of middle stump. You also seemed to be batting for you average (I don't really know why) as with you at the crease the requried run rate was on a steep upward slope. The umpire was wholly justified in giving you the finger.

International Umpiring Association
on August 12, 2010, 12:51 GMT

Following a thorough review process we have concluded that the alleged appalling decision by the alleged older brother was, in fact, atrocious. There is no right of appeal.

On a separate matter we would like to clarify another point. Stats from incomplete matches do not count: ton or no ton. This means that the alleged ton remains just that - alleged - and is worth none.

Hobbit
on August 12, 2010, 9:12 GMT

My personal favourite moment as an umpire in recent memory was being the man in the hotseat when Buck Escobar was bowled off of a wide a few weeks ago.

Sounds bizzare, but it was truly a sight to behold, and i was delighted that i was in the box seat to witness it first hand...

Satish
on August 11, 2010, 13:42 GMT

I opened the batting in a game where we were chasing 140 in 20 overs. We scored 64 in the first 8(I even played out a maiden!!). Then the guy who was smashing it at the other end was given out LBW by the Ump, our Capt. I thought it pitched outside leg and the batsman said he had actually inside-edged it!!!! We lost by 7 runs.

Byrner
on August 11, 2010, 9:53 GMT

Hi Rene....takes me back to the start of the season.....when i fingered our best all rounder....who i was convinced was plum salmon trout.....ahhhh the memories....keep up the good work mate ;]

Hitch
on August 11, 2010, 5:52 GMT

Rene – I loved your comments, interesting and insightful. You played state juniors. Wow! And to learn that “in club cricket the umpire is from the batting side”, was such a revelation. I was always wondering why we were a player short when fielding and why each innings only lasted 10 deliveries. Maybe we should use umpires from the batting team rather than the fielding team.

Damian
on August 11, 2010, 2:46 GMT

I once umpired my own team and gave the skipper out ( he was dead plumb BTW). This caused major chaos, to the point where after the day's play he basically challenged me to a fight and threatened all kinds of things ( never occured). I am happy to say that I survived the early forays into umpiring as a youngster and now am an active umpire in Canberra at first grade and rep level. Not all bad experiences will put you off something.

David
on August 10, 2010, 23:43 GMT

In the juniours leagues around here it's the teams captains who umpire (i remember both team coachs shared it).
I always remember one game where our coachs was standing at the bowlers end stumps while one of our not so good players came into bowl, as he went into his action and went to bring his arm around the ball somehow slipped out of the back of his hand and went right into the coachs netherregions and he dropped.

Unmesh
on August 10, 2010, 19:25 GMT

In our cricket club, there are no fines for showing dissent at umpire's decision since there is no match fees in the first place (in fact the players have to pay a registration fee!). I hardly see a player leaving quietly after being given out LBW. It's always "going down the leg" for him.

Kishore
on August 10, 2010, 13:48 GMT

I myself remember that while I was batting, my umpire who incidentally was also the captain ( as we did not have the 12th man to do umpiring) did not give me out stumped on a wide ball

I am thankful to such an umpire

20/20 vision
on August 10, 2010, 13:47 GMT

I was at the game where your brother gave you out LBW. The ball hit you on your big toe halfway in the crease bang in the line of middle stump. You also seemed to be batting for you average (I don't really know why) as with you at the crease the requried run rate was on a steep upward slope. The umpire was wholly justified in giving you the finger.

Fazayal
on August 10, 2010, 11:13 GMT

When we played cricket, umpire used to be one from the batting team, usually a lower order batsman. He would swap places with another player of batting team if he ever get to bat.

LBW was never out. Caught behinds created riots. Close run outs and stumpings had debates. However many a times a few players (including myself) used to get a moment of over honesty ( or greed of ones own batting) and give our own player out even when the opposite teams wouldnt have said a thing if that was given not out!

Umair
on August 10, 2010, 10:14 GMT

A reality I had to deal with for past 3 years. A neutral umpire is provided for our every match but batting team has to provide a leg umpire (we use 5 over rotation policy which works out quite well), who usually creates a lot of a controversial decision per match. So now we take all stumping chances and run out chances as bonus because they are not ever given.

Paul
on August 10, 2010, 10:13 GMT

Ah, I was the juvenile who gave his captain not out as he nicked one onto his pads and the keeper dropped the ball in his appeal for lbw. However I was swiftly replaced as the umpire due to the fact that the opposition were about to murder me. Didn't help I still batted and bowled at number 11 (due to the problem of there not being enough people). I also remember the time when we were a player short and I took my kid brother along. Despite the captain only meeting him that day, he batted above me!!!

Ska
on August 10, 2010, 9:26 GMT

You're the best. Your articles are brilliantly written pieces that hundreds of amateur "gully" cricketers relate to. Thank you for reinvigorating the good old memories.

waterbuffalo
on August 10, 2010, 8:01 GMT

Rene, I used to play a lot of club cricket, along with state juniors/ stuff, and in club cricket, the umpire is from the batting side, so they won't give their batsmen out, and we won't give our batsmen out.. I'll give you an example, I hit a guy in the face once, (no helmet), the ball brushed his gloves, and hit his head, and bounced all the way to regular square leg, where the fielder caught it with fingers pointing up, we all went up, Howzaat? Umpire said out, finger went up, and while we were celebrating the demise of a particularly loathsome batsman, and he was flat on the ground, the umpire, from the batting side, went up to him, and asked him, did the ball hit your gloves? this groggy arrogant batsman said no, so the umpire comes up to me and says sorry, he says he didn't touch it, so it's not out, I said, I hit him on the head man, the whole team saw it, and we are not cheats, and you ask HIM for his opinion? he is rolling on the ground, for heaven's sakes? It was commonplace.

rob heinen
on August 10, 2010, 7:53 GMT

Funny, I always volunteered to umpire. In fact, I umpired for the KNCB. Oh well.

D.V.C.
on August 10, 2010, 7:42 GMT

I rather like umpiring when given the chance. It gives me an opportunity to fully explore the intricacies of the rule book.

I've given numerous back-foot noballs, a noball for the keepers gloves being in front of the stumps, one run short, warned a player for running on the pitch in a 16 over match (it was astro-turf), it's all really great fun.

Ashwin
on August 10, 2010, 7:41 GMT

Aah, the fun in local matches. Atleast this doesn't cover one incident which we had where the umpire gave the batsman out only for the said batsman to chase the umpire out of the field with his bat!

Benny
on August 10, 2010, 6:48 GMT

Rene....thanks for bringing back, many horrible, repressed memories of my own futile cricket career :) ...cheers!

No featured comments at the moment.

Benny
on August 10, 2010, 6:48 GMT

Rene....thanks for bringing back, many horrible, repressed memories of my own futile cricket career :) ...cheers!

Ashwin
on August 10, 2010, 7:41 GMT

Aah, the fun in local matches. Atleast this doesn't cover one incident which we had where the umpire gave the batsman out only for the said batsman to chase the umpire out of the field with his bat!

D.V.C.
on August 10, 2010, 7:42 GMT

I rather like umpiring when given the chance. It gives me an opportunity to fully explore the intricacies of the rule book.

I've given numerous back-foot noballs, a noball for the keepers gloves being in front of the stumps, one run short, warned a player for running on the pitch in a 16 over match (it was astro-turf), it's all really great fun.

rob heinen
on August 10, 2010, 7:53 GMT

Funny, I always volunteered to umpire. In fact, I umpired for the KNCB. Oh well.

waterbuffalo
on August 10, 2010, 8:01 GMT

Rene, I used to play a lot of club cricket, along with state juniors/ stuff, and in club cricket, the umpire is from the batting side, so they won't give their batsmen out, and we won't give our batsmen out.. I'll give you an example, I hit a guy in the face once, (no helmet), the ball brushed his gloves, and hit his head, and bounced all the way to regular square leg, where the fielder caught it with fingers pointing up, we all went up, Howzaat? Umpire said out, finger went up, and while we were celebrating the demise of a particularly loathsome batsman, and he was flat on the ground, the umpire, from the batting side, went up to him, and asked him, did the ball hit your gloves? this groggy arrogant batsman said no, so the umpire comes up to me and says sorry, he says he didn't touch it, so it's not out, I said, I hit him on the head man, the whole team saw it, and we are not cheats, and you ask HIM for his opinion? he is rolling on the ground, for heaven's sakes? It was commonplace.

Ska
on August 10, 2010, 9:26 GMT

You're the best. Your articles are brilliantly written pieces that hundreds of amateur "gully" cricketers relate to. Thank you for reinvigorating the good old memories.

Paul
on August 10, 2010, 10:13 GMT

Ah, I was the juvenile who gave his captain not out as he nicked one onto his pads and the keeper dropped the ball in his appeal for lbw. However I was swiftly replaced as the umpire due to the fact that the opposition were about to murder me. Didn't help I still batted and bowled at number 11 (due to the problem of there not being enough people). I also remember the time when we were a player short and I took my kid brother along. Despite the captain only meeting him that day, he batted above me!!!

Umair
on August 10, 2010, 10:14 GMT

A reality I had to deal with for past 3 years. A neutral umpire is provided for our every match but batting team has to provide a leg umpire (we use 5 over rotation policy which works out quite well), who usually creates a lot of a controversial decision per match. So now we take all stumping chances and run out chances as bonus because they are not ever given.

Fazayal
on August 10, 2010, 11:13 GMT

When we played cricket, umpire used to be one from the batting team, usually a lower order batsman. He would swap places with another player of batting team if he ever get to bat.

LBW was never out. Caught behinds created riots. Close run outs and stumpings had debates. However many a times a few players (including myself) used to get a moment of over honesty ( or greed of ones own batting) and give our own player out even when the opposite teams wouldnt have said a thing if that was given not out!

20/20 vision
on August 10, 2010, 13:47 GMT

I was at the game where your brother gave you out LBW. The ball hit you on your big toe halfway in the crease bang in the line of middle stump. You also seemed to be batting for you average (I don't really know why) as with you at the crease the requried run rate was on a steep upward slope. The umpire was wholly justified in giving you the finger.