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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1179
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=== 1179 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1179
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 07:24:58 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1179
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1174 72 votes amn7a 4gpl6 7smd2 4jph7 2jkn8 5aric 6cxd8 2btp5 47akv 46hir
1174 3.2 mean 2.8 3.1 2.7 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.1 3.3 3.9 3.8
--- 1179-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise, most salientian, most paisley, you are
> THE master of Internet neurohumor!
>
> Why do pennies still exist?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I must confess I've been wondering about that myself. Oh, of course I
} -knowhy, since I know all, but the answer still doesn't make any sense.
} Let's see if we can get a clarification, shall we?
}
} (The Oracle picks up a telephone and dials. After a moment a voice can
} be heard on the other end. While the voice is speaking, the Oracle
} waves his hand and in a flash of phosphorus a man holding a telephone
} appears in the room.)
}
} "..is this? How did you get my private number?" The man looks around,
} and starts to speak into the phone again. "How did I get here?"
} Realizing the futility of the device, he looks up and addresses the
} Oracle directly. "Where am I?"
}
} "You're safe in Indiana for the moment. My supplicant and I want to ask
} you something."
}
} "Supplicant? But only the... you're the Internet Oracle?"
}
} The Oracle smiles. He always enjoys being recognized by the rabble.
}
} The man stares stunned for a moment, then drops to his face in a
} magnificent grovel. "Oh, forgive me Mighty One!" he finishes up. "Had I
} known I would be in your presence, I'd have made it a point to bring
} some of the new gold pieces we're making down at the Mint. I can have
} them delivered! Will 10,000 be sufficient? I can have them stamped with
} your likeness!"
}
} "Not today, Joseph. We just have a question." The Oracle addresses his
} supplicant. "Joe here is the production manager at the U.S. Mint. He's
} familiar with every American coin currently in circulation, and the
} ones due to hit production within the next 5 years or so. He should be
} able to explain." Once again to Joe: "Why do pennies still exist, Joe?"
}
} Joe's face paled, and he stammered for a moment before finally giving
} up and smiling shyly. "I don't really know."
}
} "Joe, do we have to do this every time?"
}
} "But Master Oracle! You know the clearances that are required!"
}
} The Oracle said nothing. It was enough.
}
} "All right! All right! The reason is, we don't know how to turn off the
} machine! It just keeps banging out pennies, and we can't find the OFF
} switch or the power cord! If we stop feeding it metal, it starts this
} awful vibration that nearly destroyed the Washington Monument! That's
} why it needed renovation, you know - the marble cracked and started to
} fall off from the noise!"
}
} The Oracle nodded. "Hence the increasing price of copper over the past
} 20 years."
}
} "Yes!" Joe nodded violently. "We created such a demand for copper the
} price kept going up, even though we didn't really need it! We finally
} developed the aluminum core material that's in use now, so we weren't
} eating so much copper every day, and the price stabilized. But we still
} can't stop the machine."
}
} "Who built the machine, Joe? Have you asked HIM to turn it off?"
}
} "We can't find him. We hired him from a machine design firm in Germany,
} and he built all our presses. He finsihed them all ahead of schedule
} and under budget, and they worked like a charm, so we paid his fee plus
} a bonus and sent him packing. He disappeared after that. The machines
} have run non-stop ever since."
}
} "Do the other presses do the same thing?"
}
} "We think they will. There's still a sensible use for the larger
} denomination coins, so we haven't had a reason to shut the other
} presses down. We're afraid to try."
}
} The Oracle looks to his supplicant. "Does that answer satisfy you?"
}
} "Oh, yes, Mighty One of Valorous Knowledge. I may die happy now."
}
} "Don't you think you should let Joe off the hook now?"
}
} The supplicant looked confused. "Excuse me? How can I help Joe? I'm
} just a supplicant."
}
} "How about if I guess your name?"
}
} "What? What's my name got to do with it? Besides, I never told... oh."
}
} The Oracle nods. "Right. I'm the Oracle - you don't have to tell me.
} Let me see... could your name be something like Rumplestiltskin?"
}
} The supplicant pales, then turns red with anger. "Yes! All right! Yes!
} I built the presses, I made them run on magic, and I made them keep
} running when Joe decided to not hire me full time! What's it to you,
} anyway? You have all the money you'll ever need! What do you care?"
}
} "I care that my copper mines have been worked dry, and I don't have
} enough aluminum mines to make anything on THAT growing demand. I care
} that I have to pay three times the fair price for network cable. I care
} that I just barely picked up the contract to supply the marble for the
} Washington Monument. You're messing with MY portfolio, Rump, and I
} don't like it."
}
} Rumplestiltskin, stung by the use of his hated childhood nickname, did
} not answer for a long time. "So what do you want me to do? Please don't
} make me turn off the machine! This jerk still owes me."
}
} "Maybe so, but now -you- owe -me-. You did ask a question, you know.
} It's tribute time. Joe, what projects you got coming up?"
}
} "Well, this 'ethnic heroes' bit that led to the Sacajawea dollar seems
} to be popular, so they're looking to put another non-white face on a
} coin. Preferably female."
}
} "A little affirmative action among friends, eh?"
}
} "Sure. A handicap would be nice, too, but that's a stretch."
}
} "How about a dwarf on a copper $2 coin?"
}
} "Hey!"
}
} Joe nodded. "That might go well. But it'll take weeks to produce the
} stamping dies."
}
} The Oracle chuckled. "Not this time."
}
} Supplicant, you owe the Oracle your face on a penny. On a whole bunch
} of pennies. Report to the Mint at 8:00 AM Monday, and bring a sack
} lunch. Your face is going to be busy pounding out copper.
--- 1179-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There's woodchucks, wombats, gerbils, mole-rats, lemurs, llamas,
} cats and dogs,
} And in-jokes like the Staff of Zot and Lisa, Zadoc, Thag and Og,
} And girlfriends, boyfriends, plastic sheep friends, problems of a
} sexual sort,
} And football, soccer, tennis, hockey, and all other kinds of sport,
} And Python quotes and top ten lists and hitch-hikers galactical,
} And pleas for help with get rich quick schemes that are quite
} impractical,
} And people in the news like Clinton, Bush and Blair and Gates and
} Gore,
} And medical advice regarding why your willy is so sore.
}
} There's parodies of Austen, Conrad, Lovecraft, Joyce and Hemmingway,
} And poems by Poe, and songs by Queen and Don McLean and Doris Day;
} There's Infocom and Doom and Quake and Nethack, MUDs and D&D,
} And AOL and Juno Mail and dear old B1FF and Prodigy.
}
} There's TV shows like Red Dwarf, Teletubbies, Friends and Blackadder,
} And Star Trek Classic, TNG and DS9 and Voyager,
} And B5 and the X-Files with their plotlines so dramatical,
} And Xena Warrior Princess who has bosoms most pneumatical,
} And Unix, Linux, Mickeysoft, and TLAs like GNU and GUI,
} Zen Buddhism, Catholicism, Darwinism and Feng Shui,
} And mentioning the priests like Davis, Chew and Viles and Avedon,
} And subjects meant to gross me out like squids with herpes and
} so on.
}
} There's quantum physics, chaos theory, superstrings, black holes
} and quarks,
} And gags ripped off from Stephen Wright and Emo Phillips and Karl Marx,
} And how your flatmate's dirty socks wound up inside your casserole,
} And paradoxes, puns, dramatic irony and 'yperbole.
}
} These are some of the questions you could send unto the Oracle,
} But twits who send blank emails really are a dreadful bore-icle.
--- 1179-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most unflagging and most logical Oracle, I am indebted to you for
> your answer to this,
>
> Why do old people say the same thing over and over and over again?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} We don't - it's just that our voices tend to echo in the hollow spaces
} between your ears.
}
} You owe the Oracle a megaphone - you youngsters are the ones that need
} the hearing aids.
--- 1179-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Day after day the Oracle pours forth wisdom; night after night the
> Oracle displays knowledge. O' Oracle Most Wise, Teach me knowledge
> and good judgment, for I believe in your words, I rely on your wit.
>
> Why do people get tattoos?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} They want to know when the plane is arriving, and short little guys
} are much cheaper to feed and store than air traffic controllers.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oompa-Loompa.
--- 1179-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle who loves to feel the wind in your hair:
>
> Will Honda ever build a scooter bigger than it's 250 cc Helix, what
> will it be called and what will it look like?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The 500 cc Double Helix with it's revolutionary "antiparallel"
} "twisted ladder" Polynucleotidal-Wave(tm) chain drive (that
} is, one chain running at 5' to 3' while the other is 3' to 5')
} was the brain child of Honda Engineer Watt Crickson. "The Double
} Helix ring-shaped helicase engine trucks! We're talking lightening
} fast dTTP cleavage!" said Dolly Sheepton noted cycle enthusiast
} after a test run across a Scottish pasture. Unfortunately Luddite
} factions yielding political clout far exceeding their numbers have
} had further work on the Double Helix halted in the English speaking
} world citing concerns that, "Man has not made to go that fast".
} Work on the Double Helix has shifted to the Orient where such
} squeamishness is less in evidence.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crystallographic helmet.
--- 1179-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle most wise,
>
> Do you have any handy hints that might help me write my thesis
> dissertation?
>
> I remain (as ever) your most humble and obedient servant.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 10) Use a language in which all of your advisors are fluent
} 09) Invisible ink or blood are frowned upon, as are Star Trek
} inspired fonts
} 08) Paper clipping large denomination bills on difficult pages
} is not a bad idea before sending it to be reviewed
} 07) References to the TellieTubbies should be kept to a minimum
} 06) While writing under an aliases or a pen name might help
} deflect lawsuits it will slowdown the process
} 05) Xeroxing someone else's dissertation, using White-out to
} obscure the original author's name and trying to pass it off
} as your own is far more risky than our room-mate has lead
} you to believe
} 04) While writing under the influence of mind altering drugs
} might have worked for Huxley Jr. and William S. Burroughs,
} the Oracle suggests emulating this with anything stronger
} than coffee is Not A Good Idea
} 03) Punctuating debatable passages with smilies will not
} win the reader over :) See?
} 02) Listing channeled demons as references is of questionable
} validity
} 01) No matter how good you are at drawing bikini clad babes with
} a felt tip marker, don't think that it will add flair to
} a page that pie charts can't match
}
} You owe the Oracle a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches.
--- 1179-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> This is the way we stuff the queue... stuff the queue... stuff the
> queue This is the way we stuff the queue with woodchuck and null
> questions...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This is the way we drain the queue... drain the queue... drain the
} queue This is the way we drain the queue... with answers that mimic
} the style of the question, but lack the regular meter...
--- 1179-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> oracle,
> Will graveyards become obsolete?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} With the advent of immortality for all graveards will become a novelty
} maintained for the very rich.
}
} As the worlds population grows at a ridiculous rate due to the zero
} deathrate even the smallest broomcloset will become premium realestate
}
} As natural death is not an option this bright new future will
} legitimise murder as a form of social commentary. International arts
} councils willl provide generous grants for those most talented in
} this exciting new artistic field.
} Only the super-rich will be able to afford a piece of ground large
} enough to put their bodies to rest in, the common man will be sold
} to the soylent green processing plant.
}
} So it becomes clear that graveyards will not become obsolete, just
} a little more personal.
} Rather than being laid to rest by your friends and family, you are
} laid to rest in your friends and family. And if nothing else you can
} be murdered knowing hat at least the wake will be catered.
--- 1179-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Where does all this trash come from?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, in the case of this particular incarnation, the breakdown is as
} follows:
}
} 16.123% Monty Python
} 9.794% The Bible
} 8.526% The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
} 7.812% The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest
} 7.397% Shakespeare
} 6.755% RHOD in-jokes
} 6.229% Dave Barry
} 5.596% TV SF shows
} 4.667% Adolescent sexual fantasies
} 4.484% Rock lyrics
} 3.756% TV sitcoms
} 3.049% My First Treasury of Children's Verse
} 2.771% Babelfish
} 2.554% SF movies
} 2.172% Fortune cookies
} 1.699% Karl Marx
} 1.463% The Encyclopaedia Britannica
} 1.211% Computer jargon
} 1.001% Tom Lehrer
} 0.925% SF novels
} 0.739% Eastern mysticism
} 0.424% Tyops
} 0.289% Newspapers
} 0.256% Edgar Allan Poe
} 0.133% Eddie Izzard
} 0.080% Jane Austen
} 0.052% Harpo Marx
} 0.027% Adolescent sexual experiences
} 0.015% The hippocampus
} 0.001% Inspiration
}
} You owe the Oracle some more inspiration or, failing that, a
} non-embarrassing adolescent sexual experience.
--- 1179-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle who knows no Thigh Master and Has a Body by Soloflex:
>
> How can a woman reduce her boobs without resorting to surgery?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Make them walk around the house with heavy books on their heads,
} though the Oracle really believes you should rethink your desire
} since it has been statistically proven that taller men earn more
} than shorter men.
}
} You owe the Oracle the tax records of Wilt Chamberlain and Michael
} Dukais.