Jules doing his best Christian Grey – also known as his WHY HAVEN’T YOU FED ME look. You have one job!

Okay, I admit it. I saw 50 Shades of Greyand it wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating. I was expecting the low grade film making and horrible acting of the first Twilight (side note: I have terrible taste in movies) but, it was actually watchable. Which is kind of impressive because after reading the source material, I didn’t think that was possible. The books, in my opinion, are groan worthy at best and poorly written (yes I read the first two, don’t judge). Now, I KNOW there’s been a ton of controversy over whether or not women should see this movie, but keep in mind, this is a humor blog and I needed some material.

First off, the good things. Dakota Johnson actually did a decent job in this film. So did her boobs. She was funny and likable and even though she was basically sort of agreeing to be a submissive in a pretty messed up relationship, she still seemed to keep some of her own spunk. Eh, probably not the best use of words there. As I mentioned, the screenwriters did a good job taking the cheese factor down a few notches, and Jamie Dornan is an objectively attractive male, though his performance was pretty goofy – he had a LOT of terrible dialogue. The bad: STILL. SO. CHEESY. SOOOOOO CHEESY. LIKE AFTER YOU EAT CHEETOS AND YOU DON’T HAVE A NAPKIN AND SO EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH IS COVERED IN ORANGE POWDER CHEESY. And of course, the subject matter still has the ick factor (control, abuse, etc., and he also kept taking her drink away which is just CROSSING THE LINE).

All in all I give it a 2 on the scale of 1 to 5 Twilights. But I suggest seeing it On Demand. The only thing worse than getting busted seeing it in the theater is accidentally locking eyes after the credits with the beer bellied 65 year man in the row ahead of you. SIR- WHY ARE YOU HERE? Never mind, don’t answer that. Oh and I would also suggest not seeing this with anyone in your family. Or anyone you work with. Or really anyone besides your girlfriends after 5 mimosas.