Gentrification at its pretentious best.

Victorian Government Starts Petition To Ban Petitions

In a welcome move this week, the Victorian Government has tabled a petition to the Australian Government to stop petitions.

Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews (who now prefers to be addressed as ‘Dandrews’), presented the petition to Victorian parliament today with a stirring speech that received a standing ovation for over five minutes from both sides of the chamber. Media sources inside parliament said that Andrews was intending to personally deliver the petition to Prime Minister, Malcom Turnbull, and finished his speech with a symbolic reference to Lord Of The Rings in what some MP’s claimed was an ‘oral masterstroke’. Andrews repeatedly chanted: “One petition to rule them all, and in the darkness (legally) bind them”, which then echoed ominously around the chamber when several Labor MP’s also joined in.

Government spokesman, Pete Ishon, addressed waiting media on the steps of parliament to provide a bit more background for the bold move:

“This ‘selective outrage’ has to stop on both sides, left and right. The chronic whining from everyone has risen to a point where we can’t keep up with the causes we’re fighting for. If I get one more fucking change.org email I’m going to set my computer on fire! It’s time to stop this madness once and for all… everyone needs to settle down and relax.”

Surprisingly, the Andrews government have the full support of their Liberal counterparts on the issue, with belligerent moron Opposition Leader, Matthew Guy also voicing his approval of the new measure. Commenting off the record that ‘the publicity surrounding this could really take the focus off his complete inability to function as a politician’.

People are being encouraged to sign the petition as soon as possible with the aim to get at least 500,000,000 signatures on it before Dandrews books a Murrays bus up the Hume Highway.