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Swept by religion

Good news for Christians: They are now not the only ones who look like reactionary boneheads when anyone uses their religion in a pop-culture context that doesn’t please them.

Reuters news service reports that the high priest of British white witches is all pissed off over the upcoming Harry Potter movie. What’s specifically gotten up his nose is the fact that this fictional child in a fictional story about fictional events is shown riding his broomstick the wrong way around, with the sweeper part in the back. It’s supposed to be in the front. Didn’t you know that, stupid? Jeez, what were you, raised in real life or something?

Kevin Carlyon of Sussex, England, knows it and he has “wished the film would do poorly at the box office until the studio (Warner Bros.) admits they got it wrong,” which is supposed to be the equivalent of a curse. Some people boycott; others write bad reviews and post them online. But wishing, now that’s a really effective weapon. I wish.

Kevin was unable to demonstrate the proper way to ride on any of his own brooms because, he says, he doesn’t have legal permission to fly. Naturally. The reason I don’t have my army of winged monkeys take over the world and make slaves of my enemies is because it would be rude.

Copycat rebellion

Faith-based observation: Speaking of delusional, the recent Newsweek cover story “Jesus Rocks” is about the megabucks industry of Christian entertainment (nothing like a fleeced flock) actually equating Christianity with rebellion.

“There’s something about the ethos of alternative rock — staying true to your beliefs, never bowing to mainstream pressure — that is oddly simpatico with conservative Christian culture,” the story says. Never mind that Christianity is mainstream pressure. For Christ’s sake, God is mentioned on the dollar bill and it ain’t the Koran that people put their hand on and swear to in our courtrooms. What kind of malcontent do you have to be to join the sect whose extremist ancestors helped found the country, the only religion whose holidays are recognized by the federal government and whose interests are given a gross amount of attention by lawmakers because there are so damned many members? The observation is so ridiculous it’s embarrassing, like all things are that try to give themselves a greater feeling of edginess than they really have — Mae West acting sexy in her 80s, Vanilla Ice acting like a rap star, Dubya acting presidential.

But wait! There’s more! According to Mark Stuart, 33, lead singer of Christian rock band Audio Adrenaline, since singing about sex and drugs is done by everyone, the most rebellious rock and roll person you can be is a Christian front man.

The story, by the way, was written about a Christian rock festival that’s an imitation of Lollapalooza. If you’ve listened to Christian rock lately it’s pretty much an imitation of everything else you hear on the radio. The story talks about other Christian marketing such as Bibleman, the Christian version of a superhero, and the Christian Wrestling Federation. No shit ... a religious WWF. If anyone can tell me when copying started being rebellious, do let me know. I’ll be out there leading the cultural revolution by wearing jeans and drinking Coke. Fight the power!

The princess of queens

My Two Dads: About 10 years ago a book came out that was really rebellious: Heather Has Two Mommies. It was directed at the adopted children of gay couples to help the kids realize they weren’t really missing anything.

If the book had had a sequel it turns out it might have been called Timmy has Two Mommies: Heather and Jennifer Get Together and Give It a Chance. A study by a pair of California sociologists indicate that the children of gay parents “show more empathy for social diversity” and are “less confined by gender stereotypes.” The only problem is that the children of gay parents “are probably more likely to explore homosexual activity themselves.”

It’s a worry to gay activists who think it might cause conservatives to try to put the kibosh on gay adoptions. Because, as we all know, nobody who has straight parents ever turns out to be gay.

You’d think with all the serious things we should worry about kids growing up to be (violent, crazy, depressed, stupid, unwell, unbalanced, unstable and unhappy), gay would be pretty low on the list. As long as they don’t collect guns or still live at home at 30, who cares what else they do?

The more I thought about what it would be like to have gay parents the more I realized that had I the opportunity to choose between say, Kathy Lee and Frank or Siegfried and Roy, I mean ... who in their right mind wouldn’t rather room with the tigers? Being the daughter of queens means you’re a legitimate princess.

Plus, you could look at people icily and say things like, “Keep giving me crap and my dads will make you disappear.”