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And here is the main reason anyone ever bought Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg:

And that starburst is no lie. Billy Hatcher is the creation of Sonic Team and its (then) head, Yuji Naka, the man widely credited with the creation of Sonic the Hedgehog.

But does that mean anything?

Let’s start with Yuji Naka. To start, Yuji Naka is a programmer, not an artist or character designer, but it is that programming that is absolutely the reason we have Sonic the Hedgehog. Naka created one simple trick for animating hedgehogs: he developed an algorithm for rendering sprites on curves. And that’s huge! We absolutely take it for granted now, but the very concept of Sonic on a loop would be impossible without such coding. So, sure, Naka didn’t draw the first Sonic, nor did he design the hedgehog’s levels, but he was responsible for a part of Sonic that is so iconic, it is still a huge part of the blue blur today. You don’t see Mario doing loops, but it is practically synonymous with Sonic the Hedgehog.

And the rest of Yuji Naka and Sonic Team’s history seems to be based around similar breakthroughs.

I don’t need to write a history of Sonic the Hedgehog, as such a thing has been covered by minds much greater than mine. However, there is a dearth of information on the trajectory of Sonic Team. We all know about Sonic, CDs, and Knuckles, but let’s talk about the heroes that never met Eggman. Let’s revisit Ristar.

Naka didn’t seem to have much to do with Ristar, but the basic concept for the adventure came from his pre-rolling ideas for Sonic the Hedgehog. The “original” Sonic (or at least one of them) was a bunny that would grab enemies with his extendable ears. This concept fell by the wayside when Sonic earned his speed and rolling (rabbits don’t roll, do they?), but was eventually revived for Ristar. And it was good! In a time of innumerable “mascots with attitude” (which only existed because of Sonic anyway), Ristar stood out not only for his memorable design, but also his fun “grab and fling” gameplay. Sure, we’d see something similar again with Mischief Makers, but it was almost wholly unique for the time (and still is). Ristar, like Sonic, rode a wave of a new and interesting gameplay mechanic, and could easily have been the hedgehog’s successor.

But Ristar premiered all of a few months before the release of the Sega Saturn, so that rising star got eclipsed by a planet, and was never seen again.

But Sonic Team still had Sonic, so they still had the ear of their parent company. That Saturn release brought new opportunities, and, with the innovation of an analogue controller, Nights Into Dreams made the scene.

And, boy, did that game ever suck.

Okay, I’m just salty because Nights is a terrible, terrible game, but many people saw the appeal of the action floating title. Once again, Sega took a new technology (the aforementioned analogue controller), and married it to some gameplay that had never been seen before. Naka (he’s back!) endeavored to make a game that was based on flight, but a more gentle flight, as opposed to the cape or raccoon-based actions of some other heroes. And, to Nights’ credit, that feeling absolutely comes through during the gameplay. Nights may have been phenomenally boring for anyone that was expecting another Mario 64, but, taken on its own terms, it’s a pleasant experience. Once again, Sonic Team used unique physics and development to create a singular game, this time complete with the rare human character that has the same kind of universal appeal as your more memorable mascots.

But the Saturn crashed and burned, so there was no new Sonic to be found there.

But speaking of burning, Sonic Team’s next big release was Burning Rangers, a sort of action/FPS-ish mash-up that focused on futuristic firefighters… uh… fighting fires. It’s what they do. At a time when Doom and Final Fantasy 7 alike were setting the world ablaze with complicated heroes and murder rates that put Robocop’s Detroit to shame, Burning Rangers was a semi-serious “anime game” that focused not on combating people or demons, but fires. And the future setting allowed for some interesting gameplay maneuvers, like jet boots (always appreciated) and a host of fire-retardant “weapons”. And the fires looked pretty cool, too! It’s still the Sega Saturn, but fire was a lot more believable here than on a number of contemporary systems. Go Burning Rangers, go! For inflammable justice!

Unfortunately, Burning Rangers had the dual problems of “not good enough (hit detection)” and “such small portions (of four levels)”, so it got flushed down the same toilet as the Saturn. Oh, and there wasn’t a memorable enough character in the whole ranger squad.

But the Dreamcast brought new opportunities, and a metric mickey-load of mice. ChuChu Rocket! was described as an action puzzle game, but that is completely wrong. ChuChu Rocket! is frenetic joy in mini, mousey form. Once again, Yuji Naka used the latest technology to create something that appeared to be graphically simple, but had a lot going on under the hood. At any given ChuChu moment, there may be hundreds (or at least a hundred) lil’ mice on the screen at a time. While we take such a thing for granted nowadays, that was an exciting new frontier in 1999. And the Dreamcast was capable of supporting this nonsense not only on the couch, but online as well. No small feat in the age of AOL. Or, actually, it meant a lot of small feet puttering around and attempting to avoid KapuKapus. And, can’t stress this enough, ChuChu Rocket! was one of the best multiplayer games of the era, and certainly the most unique.

But it all paled in comparison to Sonic Team’s Phantasy Star Online. Naka simply produced this title, but it was another example of Sonic Team pushing technology to the limits. In this case, the online capabilities of the Dreamcast were extended to create arguably the first MMORPG on a console. And it was good! And fun! And full of hungry mags! And if it were released on a system that was actually popular, and during an era when high speed internet was standard (and not the exclusive domain of college students) it might have been one of the defining works of the genre. But, unfortunately, PSO seems to be remembered and recounted in the same breaths as Atari’s Adventure: it basically started a genre, and did it well, but by the time that genre was actually mainstream, the ancestor was all but forgotten. Sorry, PSO, at least we’ll always have old Penny Arcade strips to remind us of the good old days.

Samba de Amigo was also a Dreamcast title that utilized a brand new piece of technology. And that tech was… plastic maracas. Uh, for some reason, that failed to capture the zeitgeist of the nation.

And then, finally, we arrive at our “from the creators of Sonic the Hedgehog” title of the day, Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg. BHatGE was the first new Sonic Team IP to ever appear on a non-Sega system. Sonic Team had already gained some Gamecube experience with rereleases of the Sonic Adventure titles, and Billy Hatcher does feel like a natural evolution of the SA engine. But this is no mere Sonic clone! Even with a “spin dash” like egg rolling skill, nearly all of Billy’s moveset is all new… or at least all different. Rolling an egg and “using” the egg for acrobatic maneuvers sounds pretty straightforward (see any game where you push boulders or blocks), but it’s obvious that a lot of care and effort went into… egg physics? Is that a thing? What’s important is that “Billy” and “Billy with an egg” are arguably two totally different characters, and the utilization of both movesets (and protecting your egg whenever possible) is important to making progress.

So if you’re expecting Sonic out of Billy Hatcher, or any other non-Sonic Sonic Team game, you’re out of luck. Billy Hatcher is no more Sonic the Hedgehog than Ristar or Burning Rangers. But if you look at the history of Sonic Team’s other adventures, that’s exactly what should be expected. Sure, Sonic Team is known for their eponymous mascot, but they have an established history of using new technology and techniques to create new IPs and experiences. Granted, not a single one of them has moved on to anything but random crossovergames, but it’s the thought that counts. After all, the world would be a lesser place without Nights or PSO, so keep on innovating, Sonic Team! And keep on rolling, Billy Hatcher!

FGC #383 Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg

System: Nintendo Gamecube. There was also a PC port in Europe, because… I have no idea.

Number of players: Multiplayer egg races are available, so four. Did you know that Billy has all sorts of friends that I absolutely cannot name right now? Maybe his girlfriend is named Roll? I might be thinking of some other hero, though.

Sonic Team Coda: Aside from Feel the Magic, it seems post-Billy Sonic Team has been exclusively sticking to established IPs, like Phantasy Star and Puyo Pop. However, the spirit of innovation seems to live on in the Sonic series, as it’s pretty obvious how Sonic Unleashed was an attempt at 3-D Ristar. Of course, most of this experimentation has not been remotely well received by the fanbase, so is it any wonder that Naka is moving on to squarer pastures?

So, did you beat it? Back in the day, I got really into Billy Hatcher, and unlocked/beat about 95% of the game. I exploded so many ravens, it was ridiculous. This was back when Mario 64-esque action games were completely my jam. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I no longer have the attention span to 100% most any game that includes physical challenges (JRPGs are easy, and can be 100%’ed while watching The Good Place), so I kind of miss my old standards for dedication when I see a completed (or thereabouts) Gamecube-era save.

Favorite Hatchling: You can gain the cooperation of a KapuKapu, and that is marvelous.

Connectivity: Oh, and this is one of those old Gamecube games that utilized the ability to send games to your Gameboy Advance through a link cable (and, in this title, hatching the proper egg). I never got to test out such features (as it would have interrupted my Pokémon Ruby/Metroid Fusion time), but it’s always nice to have portable options. And to be reminded the VMU ever existed…

Aborted History: This was released during the epoch when Nintendo seemed kind of skittish about referencing other systems when a Nintendo alternative was available.

Look, it’s Sonic the Hedgehog! From that one Gamecube game!

Did you know? There is a real life Billy Hatcher! He played major league baseball for a number of teams back in the 80’s/90’s. William Augustus Hatcher’s batting average was 264, had 54 home runs, and he even played for the Philadelphia Phillies at a time when I remotely paid attention to such a thing. I am absolutely sure he doesn’t see a dime of royalties, either.

Would I play again: Billy Hatcher is an interesting, enjoyable game. I’d be all about a Billy Hatcher 2, but I doubt I’ll ever play the original again. This is another Sonic Team forgotten gem (emerald?), but I think I like Sonic Team’s more memorable gems better.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Sega 3D Classics Collection for the 3DS! Guess we’re going to see Sonic again, but with a little more depth this time. Please look forward to it!

Let me tell you something about myself: I play a lot of videogames. It’s true! And you know what is an integral part of any given videogame? Level design. World design. From Mario to Zelda to Doom, it doesn’t matter if your hero has the best ups or bazookas around, it’s all going to come crashing down if you can’t design a world for squat. And I have played through the best worlds! Super Metroid is an amazing bit of planetary architecture, and Super Mario Bros consistently features some of the finest individual stage design in the business. Final Fantasy worlds are deliberate, thoughtful affairs, and have been since the 8-bit era. While I’ve certainly trudged through some stinkers, it would likely not be an exaggeration to claim that I have spent over 20,000 hours exploring complicated, deliberately created fantasy worlds.

So, after all that, you’d think I’d have even the most rudimentary sense of direction. And you’d be wrong.

I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten lost on my way to the refrigerator. I’ve certainly gotten lost following basic MapQuest directions. And, while my friends and I have vowed to never speak of it again, I may or may not have been responsible for being lost for approximately six hours on the labyrinthine highways of Pennsylvania trying to arrive at a location a whole hour from home. I’m not a complete lost cause! I do have a surprisingly good sense of actual direction, like I could easily tell you which way is East right now (it’s that-a-way), but actually navigating a manmade road in a direction that facilitates “going east” is likely impossible. I need careful, slow GPS directions to find my way to any site I haven’t already visited 500 times, and, if my phone didn’t have an onboard directions app, I’d probably be posting this article from a remote cave in Nebraska. Life would be so much easier if I could just live in any found cave…

This, unfortunately, has translated into decimating my videogame map memory. Yes, I’ve memorized some games like one might never forget the contours of a lover (“You’re comparing Super Metroid to some manner of paramour again, aren’t you?” “You never forget your first.”), but my recent replay of Yoshi’s Island reminded me that I have the map sense of a naked mole rat (I am assuming creatures that are effectively blind are bad at maps, but please correct me if I’m wrong). I 100%’ed Yoshi’s Island back in the day, and, when I was done doing that, I did it all over again for at least three save files. Considering all the hidden secrets and damned contemptible red coins in that title, that would mean, just to accomplish such a task once, I would have, at one time in my life, have had to explore every last inch of Yoshi’s entire island. And I did it repeatedly! And, just a few (more than a few) years later, I can barely recognize the second world. Touch Fuzzy, Get Biz-ay is permanently seared into my noggin, but most any other stage is a mystery. And it’s not that my thumbs don’t know how to make Yoshi pull off acrobatic feats the likes of which shyguys have never seen; no, it’s entirely my own ailing memory for locations that hampers Baby Mario’s progress.

Reality or digital, I would have a hard time backtracking my way through a paper bag.

Fortunately, this works just fine for today’s game, Fable 2. For many people, the big draw of Fable 2 was its morality system and “interlocking world” or whatever Peter Molyneux claimed was the alchemical secret to the franchise that week. Basically, the Fable 2 world places a very significant emphasis on consequences for actions, so if you spit on a street urchin during the intro, suddenly your entire hometown is a crap sack for the rest of history. Alternatively, you could buy some bread with your last shiny penny, and suddenly the future is all rainbows and pony rides. As a bullet point on a game case, this is pretty interesting, however, in actual practice, it seems alternately goofy and disturbing. Look, I ate an adorable chick alive once, and now the entire world has been plunged into darkness under the heel of a malevolent cult? Dude, I’m sorry, I just wanted to see if it was animated (it’s not, but there is an interesting crunching noise). And don’t get me started on the problems with the Fable diet choices…

But for all the goofiness of the Fable 2 universe, I can’t fault the game at all, as it grants us the blessed golden trail. Set any quest as your goal in Fable 2, and a delightful little glowing path will materialize in front of your avatar. Follow this rainbow to a pot of gold! Or wander away, get completely lost in the middle of some godforsaken forest, and look down to find that trail is still there and ready to lead you home. The golden path makes it impossible to get lost, and, even better, always points you towards your objective. You can save, stop playing because you have a goddamned life, come back a month later after you’ve successfully rehabilitated your cat after he got into a dynamite fight with that one brown mouse, and there’s the path all over again. You can play half the game, quit for a decade, and restart with absolutely no need to remember what you were doing at all. Just follow the path, and you’ll be back on track in no time.

It’s a glorious thing.

Sure, there have been naysayers over the years. Yes, the path absolutely discourages straying from the trail and exploring, and, should an area not contain a quest, it’s likely you’ll never encounter the location at all. Sure, the very concept of a “go here now” guide seems antithetical to a game that touts the importance of choice. And, the path absolutely drops the onus on the level (world?) designers that previously had to carefully design an environment that subtlety pushed the player forward toward new goals. In fact, this seems to be the number one problem with the path, as you can see its impact almost immediately. No more do there have to be trees that point forward or trodden paths that indicate your future goals; no, now it’s all a glowing path through a generic forest, and, turn off the path, and what hope do you have of finding your goal? Fable 2 was designed with the glowing path in mind, so it seems very little effort was put into making an actually “thoughtful”, forward progress-based map experience.

And all I can say is: welcome to my world.

Earth, our dearly beloved planet, is not designed well. There are oceans right next to big piles of sand, and Mother Nature didn’t even think to stick a guardrail or two on her most dangling precipices. Humanity tried to tame this crazy wilderness, but as anyone that has ever driven a car in New York City will tell you, failed utterly and completely. In my own hometown, a place that doesn’t have to account for that many people or unusual geography, we have at least two streets that somehow loop in on themselves, and have thus trapped confused visiting relatives for decades. I don’t know if I’ll ever see my uncle again! And, sure, this is me, someone who once wound up in international waters in an attempt to walk to the local post office, saying this, but you have to admit that the average aerial city map looks less like the careful design of Miyamoto and more like someone haphazardly threw up a set of tinker toys (you never forget your junior prom).

So you know what? I can handle a game or two with crappy level design. The world has crappy level design, and I’m tired of pretending that Dr. Wily could build a fortress better than most urban planners. Give me my poorly designed Fable universe, and give me a glowing trail to follow through it.

And if you still think my glowy path is a bad thing? Then get lost.

FGC #379 Fable 2

System: Xbox 360 exclusive. It’s weird how rarely that happens.

Number of players: Two! You can have a friend pop into your world for extra mayhem. Have fun, lil’ buddy!

They’re all good boys: The other big selling point for Fable 2 was… a dog. Look, it was 2008, and a little furry AI buddy was the pinnacle of technology. And we were young and stupid. It was at least two of those things. Regardless, the dog was good fun and predictable in its plot function, but maaaaaybe a little useless in every other conceivable way. I’m pretty sure Sonic 2 Tails would have been a more welcome addition.

Branching Paths: And speaking of plot, this is a great example of a story with a resolution like I was trying to describe during the FF12 article: you can be good or bad, but, one way or another, you wind up saving the world all the same. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it for altruism or revenge, the ending is still the same. Granted, other companies would eventually refine and master this kind of storytelling, but it’s always clever when a choose-your-own-adventure ends on the same page.

Favorite Combat: It was here that I learned to stop worrying and just love shooting things with gigantic magical guns. I rather expected I’d be more of a magic user, but when I leveled everything up, I found that I had transformed my avatar into some manner of na’vi. That is incredibly lame, so, for all future playthroughs, I just focused on the gun stuff, as “tall” was all I could tolerate. Yes, I choose my killing methods based on how they impact my appearance. How do you do it?

Did you know? There were some production problems with the Fable 2 Limited Edition. It was initially supposed to include a figurine and some trading cards… but they never materialized. As an apology, Fable 2 LEs were shipped with a voucher to download some Fable OST MP3s. That’s nice… except a number of LEs were accidentally shipped without the vouchers, too. Oops.

Would I play again: Path or no path, I really did enjoy Fable 2. It’s not my “game of the year” for 2008 or something, but it was certainly a lot more fun than… huh… literally every other Xbox 360 exclusive I can think of. Assuming we ever see a Fable 2 HD, maybe as part of some ridiculous collection, I’ll likely jump on it immediately.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Pokémon Moon for the Nintendo 3DS! We shall catch pokémon from here to the stars and back! Please look forward to it!

We’ve all heard the facts. From practically its inception as a medium, videogames have had a problem with women as objects. You could replace Princess Peach with a particularly valuable fruit bowl, and absolutely nothing about nearly every Super Mario game would change (“You-a better gimme back that fruit bowl, Bowsie!” “Roar!”). Zelda named her series, but it wasn’t until Wind Waker that she was able to even remotely display some personality traits (and even then, her agency dropped the minute she donned a dress). And this isn’t just some artifact of a bygone age: even today “winning the girl” is a problem in a great deal of videogames, even if it’s often disguised as a secondary part of your victory (“Wow, I found the ancient treasure of Los Jaggoff, and, incidentally, the woman that previously thought I was a rival loves me now, too! Score!”). And don’t get me started on games where you can “equip” women like items (looking at you, Xenoblade).

At first glance, Feel the Magic: XY/XX might seem… okay. Yes, it’s immediately and obviously problematic that the entire point of the game is to get the (male) main character laid. Yes, there’s an entire mini game that is all about undressing your girlfriend on the beach by a bonfire, and it’s followed by a game of “heart tapping” that could only be more of an overt metaphor for sex if Prince was involved. Yes, that’s all true, but the game is very tongue-in-cheek about the entire affair. The unnamed hero is not attempting to woo this woman on his own, he’s assisted by a group of silly men in bunny ears. The WarioWare-esque minigames are not all stripping and hand holding, as the majority of them are whimsical takes on reality. Why wait at a bus stop when you can impress a pretty girl by strapping yourself into a giant hamster ball and bowling over pedestrians? At its core, this is little more than a touch-based minigame collection with the flimsiest of excuse plots, and it seems disingenuous to compare it to the “sexy touch simulators” or “sexy cooking games” of the modern era. Feel the Magic ain’t Custer’s Last Stand, and comparing the two seems like frantic moralizing.

But… the point of the game is still to “win” the girl. The anonymous girl that is incidentally svelte and busty. And, oh yeah, while she doesn’t have a face, you can dress up “the girl” in any outfit/fetish you’d like. That’s right, you can define your prize.

There have been an absurd number of sexual harassment stories recently, but let’s focus on Harvey Weinstein. Weinstein is the producer for a number of amazing films, such as Teaching Mrs. Tingle and David the Gnome: The Movie, but he’s also a serial sexual predator. These two items are not unrelated. I’m no Hollywood insider, but I have seen a few movies. One such movie is the aptly named The Producers, a comedy that tells the story of a mere accountant graduating to becoming a (Broadway) producer. In the modern musical reproduction, protagonist Leo Bloom’s chorus girls distinctly sing, “He wants to be a producer with a great big casting couch”. In the original film, it is merely implied with Leo immediately casting and falling for his leading lady. And that original film? It was released in 1967. “Become a producer, sleep with any woman you want” has been a hoary(/whorey) cliché for fifty years. And that’s just the most immediate example I can recall, it’s all but certain that this kind of rational has been prevalent as long as media has existed.

But let’s specifically look back at Harvey Weinstein. I mean, actually look at him. I don’t mean to denigrate a man based on his appearance, but let’s be clear here: he’s a tubby, hairy guy. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Some of my best friends are furry fat guys. That’s okay! But a beer belly doesn’t exactly get the ladies. It absolutely can be attractive to some people, but it’s not the default standard for beauty in the Western world. Weinstein should have no problem finding a girlfriend/wife/whatever, but he might be ice skating uphill if he’s trying to score a supermodel. Or a famous actress. There’s very little obvious appeal to ol’ Harvey, so he had to seek other means to be able to sleep with every woman he could ever want. And everybody knows a producer can do that! Hooray!

Does… does any of this sound completely insane?

Society has dictated that men and women should be monogamous. Sure, that’s fine, but it doesn’t always work out that way. And that’s fine, too, when you get right down to it. People change as they grow, and I can certainly say the woman that was the love of my life in college is in no way the same person I would want to be with today (editor’s note: Goggle Bob is incapable of getting over anyone or anything, and it is amusing when he attempts to claim otherwise). Point is that people can be expected to have multiple sexual partners throughout their lives, and your desires are just as valid if you’ve ever wanted to be with one person or one hundred.

But “every woman you’ve ever seen” is crazy. We can agree on that, right? It’s okay to have a crush, it’s okay to be attracted to people, but it is not okay to force yourself on any person you want. It is not okay to “whip it out” just because your monkey brain determined that those curves in front of you are rather comely. And it is absolutely not sane to think this kind of thing could be okay. The very concept that any woman alive could be yours if you just follow the right steps or “play the right minigames” is absurd because it discounts one very important thing: it disregards the feelings of the woman. She’s just not into you, guys, move on. The idea of everyone on the planet being attracted to one person because they have a proper checklist of traits is bonkers. Money? Fame? Power? It doesn’t matter, because we live in a world where we can’t unanimously agree that ice cream is good. Some people don’t like it! What hope do you have!?

But movies don’t work like that. Videogames don’t work like that. Whether it’s played completely straight (“Oh, save me, hero!”) or is more subtle (“Thanks for saving my life, hero. But this doesn’t mean I like you [blush].” ), the message is always clear: save the world, get the girl. It’s always a girl to be won, because of course the hero is male, and it’s always a world to be saved that impresses her. No, it doesn’t have to be a real world that needs saving, you’re welcome to enjoy a great many stories where “the world” is merely a report that needs to be handed in on time or a check the needs to get to the orphanage by this morning, but there’s always some heroic act to be completed. There’s always some perfect way to make sure the ice queen melts, and then it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump into bed. Or implied bed. Let’s face it, the inferred ending to like 90% of “wholesome” Disney movies is wild and crazy nonstop magic sex. Ariel has had legs for like three days, and she’s gonna be pregnant inside of six.

And media, particularly children’s media, is where we learn. Beast was a heel, but he’s going to get his Beauty. Mario has awesome jumping ability, and that’s all it takes to win the Princess. Bruce Willis is going to save his marriage by kicking some terrorists off a building. It all comes back to the same stupid moral: if you do something important, or are something important, you will have that woman, even if she initially despised you. Oh, wait, sorry, I went back to not assigning genders there. She will be yours if you’re important and male. Is it any wonder that men in power have been abusing their power for sexual gain? It’s been the number one lesson that has been reinforced over and over again since they were children. And it’s still happening! Wonder Woman was an amazing bit of feminist movie making, but it also included Steve Trevor implicitly “conquering” that crazy warrior woman that was always taught men are horrible because he was just that great. She’s still thinking about him a century later! You can be that great, too, men! Go for the gold! Go for the wonder!

So, yes, Feel the Magic XX/XY might not be the latest breasts-based Marvelous release, but it may be just as insidious. Under the guise of humor and playfulness, it is yet another story of boy does stuff, and said stuff wins the girl. “The girl” is a thing to be won, and she may as well be nothing more than a silhouette wearing a dress. She’s the prize, the goal, and nothing more. And Feel the Magic is just another in a long series of games, movies, and books that instantly reinforces this seemingly accepted truth.

Maybe men should be taught to feel the magic of actually treating women like people instead.

FGC #358 Feel the Magic XY/XX

System: Nintendo DS. Given the prevalence of touch gaming, I’m kind of surprised this one didn’t resurface in time for the smart phone revolution.

Number of players: You’re going to have to touch by yourself.

Favorite Minigame: The nightmare bull rush is pretty fun and frantic. Overall, I’d say a number of these minigames are over before they begin, and the whole presentation lacks the WarioWare “rapid fire” nature that makes those miniest of games so much fun. Not that Feel the Magic is bad, just not nearly as fun as the king of minigames.

Please Touch: It’s kind of amazing that this early Nintendo DS title had to do so much to “encourage” the audience to pick up and use that stylus. We now live in a magical world where every damn thing is touchable, but a mere thirteen years ago? Completely new technology.

Say something nice: Vaguely misogynistic or no, I do have to say I love the art style for this game. Everyone being little more than a walking silhouette allows for some interesting visuals, and properly sidesteps the usual “launch game” problem of no one having any idea how to make characters more attractive than jagged rocks.

Did you know? This game was developed by Sonic Team! Other non-Sonic Sonic Team games include Burning Rangers, Phantasy Star Online, ChuChu Rocket, and Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg. I want to say that there is not a single game in that list that comes close to this level of lunacy.

Would I play again: Not at all likely. Feel the Magic is fun, but it still pales next to WarioWare. And I know which game I’d rather touch.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Spider-Man vs. The Kingpin for Sega Genesis! I know what this blog needs to be popular! More pictures of Spider-Man! Please look forward to it!

I believe in empathy. I believe empathy might be the most important thing in this world. Through empathy, we can understand each other, communicate, and build a better future. Without empathy, we are lost, and progress becomes impossible. I genuinely believe, more than anything, that if our government officials could muster enough empathy to understand people that haven’t had the safety of free healthcare or 401k retirement plans for their entire lives, we would be in a much better place. Empathy, whether it be for people with other religions, beliefs, or even just hair color, is imperative.

And, in a way, this is why I often recoil from fandoms. When I was a kid, it would feel like I was the only person in the universe that liked what I liked. Sailor Moon came on at 6 am on weekdays, and I want to say I was one of three kids in my town watching the show. And I really wanted to discuss this cool new Sailor Mars character with somebody! And even by high school, it wasn’t unusual to find another “nerd”, but it was difficult to find someone that had actually finished Final Fantasy 7. Actually, strike that, Final Fantasy 7 was popular enough, but I was probably the only kid in the county that had played Breath of Fire 3. When the internet finally got around to being the internet, it was a revelation that my younger self would never have imagined. Look at all these usegroups! Look at all these people that understand me! And look at the thousands of fights over Ranma ½! Everyone knows Shampoo is the best choice for Ranma, what is wrong with these people!?

I suppose it’s the death of Hiromi Tsuru that reawaked these feelings, but, for anyone that was blissfully unaware, Tsuru was well known for being the Japanese voice actress of not only Dragon Ball Z’s Bulma, but also Ukyo Kuonji of Ranma ½. Ucchan was one of the many suitors of Ranma in his/her titular series, and, of course, that meant a number of fan debates over which woman should win Ranma’s heart. And, full disclosure? Nearly twenty years after being wrapped up in that fandom, my kneejerk reaction to the death of Ukyo Kuonji’s VA’s death was, “good.” A real live person died tragically, and my immediate retort was joy, because it meant that my one true ship in a series from decades ago was closer to being a reality. This is absolutely insane. I wholeheartedly acknowledge this is crazy, and I regretted the thought almost as instantly as it crossed my mind, but it was still right there, first in line in the ol’ response queue. It’s further proof that I’m a horrible person, but I feel like there’s something to learn there.

To circle back to my original statement, this is the exact reason fandoms tend to bother me. It’s great to have similar interests. It’s wonderful to share these interests with other people (Hi! Welcome to my videogame blog!). But it seems like the minute you get a sufficient number of nerds in the same (chat)room, things quickly devolve into debating minutia until the phrase “murder-suicide cult” starts becoming viable. Here’s a fun fact: George Lucas doesn’t care about your favorite Star Wars. He never made those films thinking, “Let’s make this movie 10% better than the last movie.” Sure, he was always trying to improve and change like any artist, but it was never a matter of invalidating any strides made in a previous work. But please ignore that, because someone brought up the trilogies again, and it’s time to rank every single film according to whatever crazy criteria you’ve got rattling around right now. And someone has the audacity to disagree with your carefully curated list that clearly defines why the prequel trilogy is good, actually? You cannot let such an injustice stand! Please compose a thousand word essay right now that elucidates why everyone you know is wrong. Be sure to use words like “elucidate”! That’ll show ‘em!

In short, I believe that empathy is important in fandoms, because we’re already a bunch of antisocial misfits, why not stop all the fussin’ an’ the fightin’, and just get along? Understand that people have different opinions, and don’t deliberately belittle people that happen to disagree with you. Let’s all come together, and share our mutual love, not start wars over inconsequential shipping or rankings.

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Okay, that all out the way? Everybody got the warm fuzzies? Good. Now let’s move on to the main event.

Um Jammer Lammy is better than PaRappa the Rapper, and if you disagree, I will fucking fight you.

For anyone that missed the late 90’s, PaRappa the Rapper made a splash on the Playstation 1 with an all-new, all exciting genre: the rhythm story game. In short, after years of gaming where the best we could hope for was one lousy voice sample or an entire FMV Hell, technology had finally reached the point where we could enjoy full voice acting and, essentially, “press X to rap”. This led to Masaya Matsuura and NanaOn-Sha producing PaRappa the Rapper in 1996 (appearing stateside in ’97). PaRappa was surprising popular for an early Playstation game, as, in a time when gaming was trying to distance itself from the “childish” likes of Mario and Kirby, PaRappa was a decidedly cartoonish hip-hop rappin’ gangsta dog that never failed to get biz-ay. Perhaps it was the rap that immediately bought PaRappa some street cred, but, one way or another, PaRappa had a lot more in common with Sonic the Hedgehog than Lara Croft. Regardless, PaRappa was very popular, and his fun and funky beats were a breath of fresh air in the early 32-bit days. In fact, even now, PaRappa is still firmly associated with the Playstation brand… or at least within that one game.

Um Jammer Lammy was a sequel in all but name, and better in every conceivable way. It featured similar gameplay, a familiar art style, and PaRappa himself even guested in a side story nearly as long as the main game. However, Um Jammer Lammy was objectively superior, as, instead of featuring a rappin’ dog trying to woo a talking flower, it starred a left-handed guitarist trying to gain enough confidence to repel burger-heisting bullies. And, frankly, the “press button to make sound” gameplay worked a lot better with a guitar than a rapper. PaRappa had a tendency to sound… odd… like an (in)human scratched record… when a button was pressed at an off moment or when attempting to “freestyle”. Lammy meanwhile sounded like someone playing a guitar no matter when you tapped triangle, so experimenting sounded a lot more natural to everyday human ears. And, while we’re at it, Lammy had a much more interesting cast, including a monochromatic evil twin, bargain basement midwife caterpillar, and a bipolar jet pilot. That beats wannabe Martha Stewart chicken any day of the week. Um Jammer Lammy advanced the rhythm genre in every way, and was clearly the Mega Man 2 to PaRappa’s Mega Man 1.

It also sold like eight copies.

I blame PaRappa.

PaRappa was popular, yes, but he was more popular for the spectacle, and not the actual game. Sad truth? PaRappa the Rapper (and its entire franchise) is harder than Battletoads. Your timing must be perfect, the GUI is rapid and imprecise, and the temptation to “freestyle” for additional points is as opaque as a fat guy wearing seventeen trench coats (I’m sorry, he might not be fat, it’s just hard to tell with all the coats). I have played every PaRappa/Lammy game multiple times, and, unlike other rhythm games, I still have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing to earn that high score. Go ahead and check Youtube for answers on that, and, trust me, you’ll only be even more confused. PaRappa might have been fun to look at, but it was a bear to play, and I’m pretty sure no one ever forgot that. Um Jammer Lammy and the eventual PaRappa The Rapper 2 both undersold by a petty wide margin, and, spoilers, that’s all she wrote. For all the glowing reviews and good vibes PaRappa earned, it was all for naught, and now his creator can’t even kickstart one lousy game about a feudal rapping frog (or… something). Um Jammer Lammy was doomed by the success and incomprehensibility of her predecessor, and we’re all worse for it.

And, unfortunately, that means I hold a grudge. I loved Um Jammer Lammy, and history has forgotten the dear lamb, so I’ll be forever bitter towards PaRappa. And anytime someone mentions how much they liked that whacky dog and his onion pal, I’ll speak out against any and all such thinking. Yes, we should all just feel affection for each other, get along, and enjoy our mutual love of story-based rhythm games, but that’s impossible, because Lammy is my fandom, end of story. I have no empathy for PaRappa lovers, for they have hurt my Lammy too much.

So today’s moral is you should love each other, and treat everyone with respect. Except people that like PaRappa. Those people are not to be trusted.

FGC #357 Um Jammer Lammy

System: Playstation 1. There was also an arcade version that included a guitar controller well before Guitar Hero made the scene. But nobody ever mentions that.

Number of players: Two player rhythm action! Nobody ever mentions this advantage over PaRappa’s single player experience, either.

Legends of Localization: There was a period of about ten years when companies actually completely localized quirky Japanese games, voice acting and rhythm assignment and all… and then it ended. Now we’re stuck with Hatsune Miku making weird-ass noises, and we’re lucky if we get subtitles that marginally explain the lyrics. Oh well. At least we’ll always have PaRappa, Lammy, and Gitaroo-Man.

Required Statement: Stage 6 is a mysterious island in the American version, but is actually Hell in the Japanese and European versions. It is a strictly American belief that nobody likes to hear about their favorite heroine being sent to Hell after an incident with a banana peel, so it was changed for Western audiences. For whatever reason, this factoid must be stated every time Um Jammer Lammy is mentioned, so I’m just following the rules.

Did you know? Lose to Teriyaki Yoko, mistress of Hell/an island, and she’ll claim Lammy should be “banned from every game”. This is what we call foreshadowing.

Would I play again: This game is nearly impossible with Playstation 3 controller lag (there’s just enough to drive you nuts), and I don’t fire up my Playstation 2 nearly enough (cords, ugh). However, if I do get to playing the PS2, Um Jammer Lammy is definitely going to see some play.