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Cheating husbands

I knew this family from the time I joined this hospital. She always used to accompany her husband when he would come for his checkups and also when he got admitted occasionally for his uncontrolled diabetes. Theirs was a happy family. Two bright kids, an excellent job, stylish living, regular attendance at the church for weekly services….I used to think they were a perfect couple. I also used to mention this to my wife, as to how happy this couple was. He never had any major health problems, and the woman was strikingly good looking even at her middle age. That was one reason my wife was not very enthusiastic about my comments.

And so I was surprised to see her waiting for me at my clinic, alone. That was unusual. One look at her, and I guessed something was wrong. She looked as if she hadn’t slept for days. I had never before seen her so shabby with unkempt hair. Her eyes lacked the usual luster. Without my asking, she just murmured” I want to talk to you” as if in a trance. There were patients waiting with appointments, and so I left the message with my sister to ask her to wait. Soon after I finished my patients I called her in.

I waited for some time, but she couldn’t start the conversation.

I asked her “Is it something to do with Jacob?( Not the real name) Is he not well?

A sob was the reply and then she burst in to tears. The nurse in my clinic was a Malayali, and I was worried whatever she may overhear would be a news letter on the same, if not the next day. It took her some time to get her composure and then she came up with this story. Through the sobs and whimpers , I got the story that her husband was having an affair. And that too, it was going on for quite some time , but she came to know about it now. Had it been a hear say, I wouldn’t believe. Jacob was such a nice guy. But apparently her own brother had seen the husband with another woman at a hotel, where he was spending the weekend on ‘official meeting’. The woman was known to them as well, being the wife of another friend of theirs. Now, both the families were in trouble.

There was nothing much to offer her, and I was even surprised why she chose me to confide her stories. I am a well known sympathizer, that is all what I can do often, and probably she expected me to come up with a solution. Her own brother was making a mess of the whole situation, letting the whole world know about it, if not already known. I offered to go to their home and discuss the problem, and somehow, managed to send her back home. If a good looking woman is seen crying in my clinic that could be another story. They won’t spare me for my age.

If infidelity hurts so many people, then why do men cheat on their wives? It’s like asking, “Why do some men beat up their wives?” Only nowadays, we’ve made progress on the sexist idea that she made him beat her. I am sure the elderly mother in laws would definitely find that reason acceptable.” She was a little too much from the beginning” attitude. However, when it comes to sex and infidelity, that’s where things really get sticky. Society is still inclined to blame a woman as the reason for her husband's philandering. Or at least, insist she take half his responsibility for choosing to betray his wife and family. We continue offering excuses as to why a man messes around with another woman when they have a perfectly well equipped partner at home. A partner with perks. Comfortable living, happy kids, compassion enough to care for each other, respectability, and a safe place to call home.

Cheating husbands usually start their experimenting on the house maids. They are easy victims, often helpless in the confines of a home, and ashamed or afraid to complain for fear of job. The saddest part is that even when there is sufficient evidence to prove that the men do commit adultery with maids , most women feel reluctant to take action because of the fear of breaking up the family or hurting the children.

We say to one another, "Well, he must not have been happy at home."

Contrary to assumptions that only dissatisfied, unhappy men cheat, happy men cheat, too. According to an infidelity expert: “This information may surprise you, but research has proven time and time again that a man’s happiness or the quality of his marriage have no bearing on whether or not he’ll have an extramarital affair.”

Well, it is difficult for us to understand what quality of marriage one can have, while pursuing extramarital affairs. Qualities and values differ from place to place, and so do marital rules and regulations. Maybe, it is so till everything is kept secret. Cheating husbands and wives are unduly considerate and caring to their partners, it is said. If your husband becomes suddenly and unusually caring and concerned, be a little cautious .Could be, that lovely looking saree he brought home after the tour was meant for someone else. And the new fragrance he wears, a gift for him from his secret friend.

But this does not mean there are no cheating wives. It is hard to get statistics on this. But my feeling is that their numbers are on the increase. With increasing freedom, exposure to new acquaintances and friendships at workplace and other outings, women these days do not lack in opportunities. Monotony and unhappiness at work, lack of time at home to spend with partner, and also at times, as a revenge on a cheating husband. If women appear to have less affairs, it is probably because they are more careful then men, who would fall head over heels at an affair.

Now, to my blogger friends, don’t be upset and get irate over this. Just see me as an

infidelity expert!

When I come across such problems, (Not very usual because we are so secretive and also they need the support of experts in the field) my plan of reconciliation would be to give the lovers the boot. For casual relationship, it ends instantaneously once it is known to others. Neither of them wants to take such risks in life. In what we call extramarital love affair, it is more difficult. To leave the lover, and reconcile with the spouse is still not an unattainable task, once the husband and wife learn to meet each other’s emotional and physical needs. Bring to the notice, the long forgotten commitments of marriage and how it would affect the lives of children and alter their fate. Life is not meant for those few moments of carnal pleasure.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse.

Now, don’t take these tips lightly. These are pearls of wisdom gained from years of scientific research ! Learn them by heart. Might come handy some time , and then you might want to thank me!

He/She shows a sudden interest in a different type of music or song

Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence. Always appear to be in a dream world.
He/She has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.
Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer when you are asleep.
You find items of intimate apparel that you did not give your spouse.
Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy"
You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.
He/She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.
Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.
Deletes all incoming e-mails, when they used to accumulate earlier.
Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
Your spouse stops seeking advice from you.
He/she sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

Here are some lessons to learn from the misfortunes of many well known cheaters.

Don’t let your desire for sex over rule your common sense.

The cost of infidelity is not always in money.

Mistresses often have ulterior motives in getting involved with married men.

Comments

I think you're probably a good listener, empathetic and a good friend for the distressed lady to share her story with you. In such a situation where fidelity is betrayed, it's hard to know who to turn to for one's world has suddenly crumbled.

Hiyour post is something for then a valuable written piece of work.As i observed such an incident few days back in my neighborhood.Husband cheated with his wife just because of house maid.but in many cases women prove themselves flirt folk.Relationships need gravity ,sagacity and sincerity.If a single one is missing ,one can expect anything whether broke up or something else.

very nice!!all cheaters are basically loosers in life!! they get f***** up after few years and look for NEW..not knowing its all temporary.. if you are not good with one you are married!!He/she must understand once the trust is broken it always BROKEN .....here in US the common problem among girls once they get married and come abroad ,they get home sick and want to visit parents for at-least two or three months not knowing the outcome of this will be disastrous!as the spouse gets strayed and indulge in adultery and visiting all dirty places..its very common in Indian Community in US and Canada..where partners cheat...!!But end is always bad!

Dr.Antony, nice write up...felt sad for the lady..at the same time glad to read that she felt enough confidence and warmth to express her problem to you. This case looks like temporary run away and involvement, her husband will be back to her with whole heart and I am sure your counseling will work.

These problems are rapidly rising and are very complex, hard to control and stop.One need to stick to our cultural ethics and maintain good virtues.

Doc, wonderful piece!It takes two to cheat. But just a thought , cheating here is evolving around promiscuity and fornication.In criminal terms call it adultery. But tell me why , why only human beings indulge in this dangerous liaison?You did mention "moments of carnal pleasure", But why do man fall for it. This is not the case in the rest of the animal kingdom. Then why, why only man is created with such uncontrollable , in-satiated biological urges?Is it something to do with the lapse in creation ha ?

Doc, a very comprehensive right up. I would just want to highlight one thing here. If a man cheats; we say "he might not have been happy at home" hinting directly at the lady of the house. Also we brand the "other women" a slut.

Why is it women are always blamed? There are no "other man" but only "other women"?

Mistresses often have ulterior motives in getting involved with married men

Hmmm, Doc? Can you please define this 'cheating?' Does cheating necessarily constitute of physical intimacy alone? Would mooning or yearning after one from the opposite sex be 'cheating'? Would fantasizing about another person of the opposite sex ( you see I am trying to be politically correct here ;)) be cheating too?

Look for your answer among the animals. Except for a few birds most in the animal word are polygamous. Males copulate and leave. In some species, the duds stick on taking care of the babies. Male of most species are polygamous, they can't help it. They see a buxom woman as the best carrier for their seeds,thats all, its pure and simple instinct, a biological drive. Monogamy was a restriction imposed on the human society, quite likely by someone who could not afford to maintain more than one woman.

Now,that is one thing, as a male chauvinist pig , I love about a particular religion. I wouldn't mind reborn into that for this particular reason. How about you, Doc? ;)

An extremely good blog post and a current topic. You have explored it from a lot of angles. Just feel sorry for that lady. Frankly, whatever the statistics might say, infidelity is much more common these days and could happen without any reason. So, each one just pray that your partner is faithful.

@KeatsI listen to their stories when ever time permits.Often that is all what I can do.They need someone to talk to.Things cool down with time.@Heavenly MuseThanks for the encouragement.This is a tendency.Those who do it, tend to do it again.I seriously doubt if it has got to do with commitment.Even men who love their wives wont leave a chance.@HarmanBut Harman, can you always be watching on them?It is not practical. I agree in that it gives them more opportunities.But once inclined to do it,they will always find the space to do it.True that it disrupts life.A heavy price.@UshaI saw them together this week.She is recovering from that initial shock,and more or less accepted the situation.It can be patched up.But the patches are always visible,aren't they?@AnilNot an easy question.Balan has answered the major aspects of it.Man is basically polygamous.But we are exercising social monogamy.Biologists now have solid evidence that monogamous pairs of animals are not always sexually exclusive. Many animals that form pairs to mate and raise offspring regularly engage in sexual activities with extra-pair partners. This includes previous exemplars such as swans. Sometimes these extra-pair sexual activities lead to offspring. Genetic tests frequently show that some of the offspring raised by a monogamous pair come from the female mating with an extra-pair male partner !So this feature is common to man and animals and we have restrained this by our custom made morality.The difference is that I honestly do not know if the partner gets offended if the other animal seeks another mate.We get emotionally hurt,for sure.I read in a Malayalam novel "there will never be a man who hasn't desired another woman,at least in his mind" .That is cheating too,isn't it?@InsigniaMistresses are a different category.They willfully accept to remain so, as so called " keeps'.In that situation,they prefer married men for their own benefits.I don't justify men and I also do not believe there are fewer women who cheat.I couldn't find the equivalent of a slut for man.@ElizabethYes. But my wife would be laughing at my story!@BalanHow you read my mind!And that is the explanation given in the religion too.Men have excessive desire and they need more than one woman for their satisfaction.I once listened to a sermon where the speaker was asking."What would a man do when the woman is having her cycles?"So,to have a standby is the nest option.Isn't it?You have given the answers to most of the questions here.Is there anyone who hasn't desired another woman? I don't know about women.

Yes,we will be reborn as a team !

I will find the movie,sure.There was another one you mentioned,about the man and his dog. I wanted to ask you.

my question was not on the polygamous state or monogamy.It is indeed true that many among the bird species and animals are polygamous.But they copulate during specific seasons, or the instinct is triggered for procreation only. But man- man needs sex through the year and would not mind any number of times a day. Why is that never ending constant urge for copulation only with human beings?

I feel sorry for her. I have said the same thing to my husband many times when I see certain couples/families that they are so perfect and he would tell me you don’t know what exactly is happening in their life. What I feel is human beings are prone to make mistakes, like the saying ‘To Err is human. But when facing an extramarital affair issue, the best thing that the couple can do is have a heart to heart talk, face to face, alone with each other.I don’t think they can do that in front of a whole bunch of well wishers. What I find is a lot of people gets involved and they take it to themselves to solve and patch up the broken relation. Instead if they can let the couple talk to each other and see how they feel about the whole issue and find a solution if at all they can, that would be the best solution. Most times lack of open communication is the cause of many problems.But let me tell you one thing, if we go after the ‘golden rules’ and try to find if your spouse is cheating we could just go paranoid:):)

Interesting, I just read the comments and the replies too and the post by balachandran is indeed funny! Sorry I am finding this funny in such a situation!! But can’t help it.:) for the question in the reply-‘ You have given the answers to most of the questions here. Is there anyone who hasn't desired another woman? I don't know about women.Answer is, women are also human beings.. so figure it out:)

@AnilThat is a blessing of intellectual development.We tend to think most about sex.And it is different among men and women. Study after study illustrates that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward. The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down.Majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day. Only about one-quarter of women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often.

@MeeraYour husband is probably right.Most relationships which appear good from the outside are not really so. I believe there is lot of dissatisfaction among couples, due to their varied interests and expectations in life.

That was a really honest comment.Women expect much more from men than sex,it is said.A man's intentions are straight forward.Women have more reasons to get dissatisfied in a physical relationship as well.

@NRI girlWe are led often by compelling thoughts.Even men who care seriously about their families are known to enter in to extramarital relationships.@RachnaYour observation is right.It is on the rise.People have more opportunities than ever before.@SushantBut how? This is more of an emotional trauma to the parties involved.If caught,they pay a price,and that is the integrity of the family.

Maybe it is time that animals are left alone in the animal world and not compared to the human beings, at least when it comes to sexuality :)

Since some years (a lot many I am sure) it has been a male dominated society and hence a man gets the sympathy specially when adultery is concerned. The excuse that men cannot control their urges as well as women is been around ages too and may not go until this society becomes female dominated? ah.. then instead of the sexy female models and heroines out there, we would then be constantly seeing their male counterparts :)

There is an explanation that may not be very well accepted by most.Some people are supposed to be capable of immense love and look for an outlet in extra marital affairs. i rubbished it instantly since i was a student then. Much later i heard of an acquaintance who was apparently having an affair with a colleague but seemed to be a caring father and husband as well when i met him. After the initial shock the wife had kind of accepted the situation.In fact if i had not known the story of his involvement with his junior i would not have suspected anything. I hear that the 'other woman' even offers to sleep over and keep an eye on the children when the couple visit relatives and are out of town for a few days. i think human psychology is hard to understand. each one deals with situation as per his/her logic and discretion.

This is a very well written post. It covers every aspect of a cheating person, and I think women do it as well as the men. I have known a few people that have cheated, but you know these people were just looking for a little more love than they were getting at home. I also believe some people need more love than others. Thank you for coming by.

@H KBut the interesting point is that the so called happy husbands cheat too! Women are catching uo too!@MargaretRays of wisdom ! I don't know if it is love or simple carnal pleasure. Most of them want to keep the family intact,and will let go,once known to others.@PettyYes,also deleting the numbers immediately.That is a real difficult question,Petty.It depends a lot on your partner and how he will take it.If he is sensible enough to handle it,I might tell him,to keep the family intact.The other option is to get the lover out,we can warn them that we know about,and ask him/her to leave your friend's family in peace.

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Internist Physician.
Life has been a very bumpy ride, so I could teach others how to ride safe.I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be just happy. It is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate and above all, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.