Cracked Round-Up: Temperance Edition

We're looking at the end of an era, folks. Cracked has banned all forms of intoxication in our office. Sobriety police are already combing the company roster, tracking down inebriates and separating them from their vile drugs. Unfortunately, our databases only have information on prescribed drugs. So mostly we've been stealing painkillers from Ted in accounting. He broke his leg like, a week ago.

Notable Comment: "This one time, when I was a kid, my mom called me in to the kitchen and yelled at me for spilling syrup on the floor. But heres the thing-I DIDNT DO IT, my brother did, so I ratted his ass out. So she calls my brother in, and do you what he did? HE DENIED IT!!! Bastard! Well, to make a long story short, since my mom couldnt prove who did it, she smacked the s**t out of both of us and sent us to bed."

Notable Comment: "What the Hell was Mao thinking? This guy has nukes and won't give any to you, so you get violent with him? If my neighbor's got the dopest fuckin' weed and won't hook me up, I'm more inclined to mow his lawn while he's at work than kick his dog in the nuts."