What do you do when you show up to a fancy party alone in sneakers and a fleece covered in cat hair? Find the nearest object of your attraction and try out one of these can’t lose pick up lines.

Hold up your foot and ask “Do you want to touch my aglet now, or save it for tonight?” If you are met with confusion circle your foot to get your sneaker laces dancing and explain that the aglet is the hard part of the lace that stands up when you excite it like this.

Lean in close and stare deeply into the space between a hotties eyes and declare : Your glabella is so smooth, can I stroke it?”

One Sexy Glabella

Pick three cat hairs off of your black fleece top while asking: “This white hair, this orange hair, and this grey hair all came from the same cat. Is it a boy or a girl?” When your conquest looks to you for more information tell him/her “There are two colors/ x chromosome, so any cat with three colors is ALL GIRL…” Best to purr invitingly.

“Do you have synesthesia? It is when people can hear, taste, and feel color. I have it and I can conclusively say you are RED HOT.”

Stick your finger out from the top of your forehead and nuzzle/repeatedly bump your target with it. “Did you know the national animal of Scotland is a unicorn?” Best results come when you speak with an unidentifiable accent.

The bottom of the bottle of wine is a punt.

Offer a refill of wine while saying “My finger fits perfectly in the punt…does yours?”

Mutter “I’m not drunk I’m brilliant.” Repeatedly. When you catch the right someone’s eye explain: “Repeating sentences under your breath is a sign of genius…Albert did it right out until his patent days.”

Find a silver fox and say “Ramjit Raghav became a father at 94… I bet we could break his record.”

Approach anyone interesting who is using an iPhone and tell them “Cleopatra lived closer to the invention of the iPhone than she did to the building of the Great Pyramid. She and I are like sisters. And I am the younger one.”

Offer up this nugget to another hungry guest “Vending machines are twice as likely to kill you than a shark is…want to live dangerously and split at Twix?”

“Humans share 50% of their DNA with bananas….I know what I would do with a big banana.”

“An octopus has three hearts. You are making me feel like an octopus.”

You will be walking out the door with a silver haired hottie sharing a bottle of wine and Twix bar while speaking in brogue.

Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

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