Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set. Tim is lying on a sheet, wearing
coveralls. Tim turns his head to look at the camera directly above him.

Tim:

If you're like me, you've spent time on the floor after an accident
waiting for the paramedics to arrive! It's times like these, a lot of
thoughts roll through your head; I wonder if the bleeding will stop? I had
no idea electricity could lift me off the ground that high! Or, from this
angle, that smooth ceiling could use a little texture! How would we do
that, Al?

[Al comes over to Tim. Al is wearing coveralls and a baseball cap, and has
goggles and a breathing mask hanging round his neck]

[Al hands Tim some goggles and a breathing mask. Tim puts them round his neck]

Tim:

That's right. With the 6100 system, even the most inexperienced, unskilled
home-owner can do this simple job.

Al:

And who better to demonstrate than you, Tim! [Tim looks at Al. Short pause]

Tim:

For this job, Al and I suggest Binford's Acoustical Texture Spray.

Al:

That's right. [Tim and Al go over to the bench where the spray is] It comes
in these ready-to-mix bags.

Tim:

All you do is add water [Tim starts stirring the spray] Or for a creamier
texture, go with the butter-milk!

Al:

Now obviously, you want to follow the instructions precisely because too
much water and [Tim pours some more water into the spray] your mixture will
not... adhere to your, to your ceiling. Tim, I've already mixed that.

Tim:

Hmm-yeah. [Tim adds some more water] It just needs a bit more water, Al.

Al:

I used a measuring cup. [Al shows Tim the cup]

Tim:

[Tim scoffs] We're not doing the laundry, fella! I use a measuring system
that never fails me - my eye. [Tim points to his eye]

Al:

[Al looks towards the camera] My eye! [Tim puts his goggles on the top of
his head]

Tim:

Once you've mixed the compound, it's ready to load it in the hopper. [Tim
picks up the hopper] Gimme a hand, Dennis. [Al smiles and pours in the
spray] Perfecto! Alright! [Tim shakes the spray around in the hopper] When
you get going, what you do is use [Tim and Al put on their goggles] short,
even strokes, keeping the gun about two feet from your ceiling. [Tim and
Al put on their breathing masks]

[Tim moves under the ceiling set and sprays the ceiling. When he finishes,
they take off their breathimg masks]

Tim:

And you doubted me. [Tim takes off his goggles]

Al:

I stand corrected. [Al moves under the ceiling to examine it] I would be
proud to have a ceiling like this in my living room. [Tim fingers the
ceiling. Al takes off his goggles and looks up at what Tim is doing. The
paint falls off the ceiling onto Al's face! Tim looks at Al]

Tim:

[Shouting off-set] Who let those pigeons in here?

[Opening credits]

Cut to Brad and Randy's bedroom, the next morning.

[Brad is lying on his bed, using the phone]

Brad:

No Ashley, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa... I just gave
her a taste of my jello. It's not like we both chewed the same piece of
gum! [Randy enters] Ashley, c'mon! Uh, hold on. [Brda covers the
mouthpiece of the phone with his hand. To Randy] Randy, I'm on the phone.
Get out. [Randy starts putting books into his school bag]

Randy:

You get out. It's my room too.

Brad:

I was here first!

Randy:

Ohh, look, I'm just getting my books. [Randy gets ready to leave]

Brad:

[Back to the phone] I'm listening. I swear there's nothing going on
between me and Melissa. [Randy stops by the bed on his way out]

Randy:

[In a high feminine voice] Oh, Brad! Get off the phone and kiss me!
[Randy pretends to kiss] Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! Mwa! Mwa!

Ashley, I'll see you at school... Alright, bye. [Brad hangs up the phone]
You're a hunk of dead meat. Get... [Brad runs towards Randy. Randy throws
the basketball at him and runs out the room, closing the door behind him.
Brad opens the door and runs after him]

Cut to the living room.

[Randy runs in, followed by Brad]

Brad:

I'm gonna kill you!

Randy:

[In a high feminine voice] But I thought you loved me!

[They chase each other round the table. Tim comes over to them]

Tim:

Stop! Stop! Stop! [Tim separates them. Jill comes over]

Jill:

Guys!

Tim:

Stop! Stop!

Jill:

Stop it!

Tim:

What's going on?

Brad:

He keeps bugging me when I'm on the phone.

Randy:

He's on the phone 24 hours a day.

Tim:

Don't use the phone so much.

Brad:

Huh, I can't help it if I'm so popular! [Jill goes to the kitchen]

Randy:

[In a high feminine voice] Well, I guess that's why all us girls love
you! [Brad chases after Randy again]

You want to solve this problem, there's only one thing to do - separate
bedrooms.

Jill:

We don't have anymore bedrooms. [Tim looks at Jill, hopefully] And no, no
no, no no, no no, you're not building any more. [Tim gets up and follows
Jill to the living room]

Tim:

Honey, honey, we've talked about this before. [Jill puts on her jacket]

Jill:

Hmm, hmm.

Tim:

Move Brad into Mark's room and then Mark into Randy's room.

Jill:

No. No. A-a-O.K., Brad is older, he probably should have his own room,
but we can't make a decision like that without discussing it with the
boys.

Tim:

Why discuss it? The reason we became parents is so we could tell kids what
to do. [Jill looks at Tim] If we can't do that, we're just the tallest
people living here! [Jill smiles. Short pause]

Jill:

You sound like my father!

Tim:

Alriiight!

Cut to the "Tool Time" set, later that day.

[Tim and Al are recording the show]

Tim:

Today, we're gonna show you how to soundproof as well as insulate the
walls. Now there's a variety of products you can use, of course. [Tim and
Al walk over to the samples] Acoustic padding, fiberglass badding, or very
unattractive flannel! [Tim points at Al's shirt]

Al:

The easiest way to install your insulation [Al and Tim walk over to the
mock wall] is during construction, before you put up your drywall.

Tim:

However, if the drywall's already been installed in your home, we suggest
the foam injection method. Heidi, the foam injector please. [Heidi enters
with the foam injector]

Heidi:

Here you go Tim.

Tim:

Thank you Heidi.

Heidi:

You're welcome. [Heidi leaves and Tim picks up the injector gun]

Tim:

Now, for this method, you're gonna have to drill some holes in your
drywall.

Al:

But first you want to find a stud. [Tim starts to pose] I said stud, not
dud! [Al drills a hole in the wall]

Tim:

There's already compressed air in there. To make it work, stick the nozzle
in, and you start insulating.

Al:

Hmm-mm. Should dry in about ten minutes.

Tim:

That's right Al. Now, to show us some of the advantages of soundproofing,
the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room. Heidi, my
room please! [Heidi brings in the room] Now this room will not only
protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally
soundproof.

Thank you Heidi. [Heidi leaves] Watch this Al, can't hear a word, it's so
good, watch this. [Tim opens the door to the booth] Talking like this,
walk in. [Tim enters the booth] Hi everybody, it's just great to be here.
My name's Tim "The Tool" [Tim closes the door and continues mouthing the
words, making no sound. Al checks out the booth. Tim signals to Al and
pretends to shout. Al leans towards the door but can't hear anything. Tim
pretends to scream and then opens the door] ahhhhhhh! [Al applauds]

Tim? Can you hear me? [Tim mouths back and signals he can't hear anything]
You can't hear me? In that case, I should be host of this show! [Tim rolls
his eyes] And another thing, that's a stupid haircut you have! And another
thing: [Sings]

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.

Tim:

Al?

Al:

Yes?

Tim:

Al?

Al:

Yes? [Short pause. Tim holds up his hand to the audience]

Tim:

Can you hear me?

Al:

[Slowly and loudly] I can hear you! [Short pause]

Tim:

Think about that. [It dawns on Al] Major-General Borland!

[Tim salutes. Al pulls down a blind over the booth window]

Cut to outside Brad and Randy's room, later that afternoon.

[Randy is knocking on the door]

Randy:

C'mon Brad! Let me in! [Randy kicks the door]

Cut to inside the room.

[Brad is leaning against the door]

Brad:

No! You're gonna be out there for the rest of your life!

Cut to outside the room again.

Randy:

Well there's no lock. You're gonna have to stand next to the door for
the rest of your life!

Cut to inside the room again.

Brad:

Maybe I will!

Cut to outside the room again.

Randy:

Good plan, genius!

[Tim comes over]

Tim:

I've got a better plan. Open this door right now Brad. C'mon!

Cut to inside the room.

[Brad opens the door. Randy and Tim enter]

Tim:

Alright, why're you keeping him out of the room.

Brad:

Because he keeps bugging me.

Tim:

Bugging --

Randy:

-- you're full of it. [Brad and Randy start fighting]

Brad:

You're the one who's full of it!

Tim:

C'mon! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! [Tim separates them] Sit down! Both of you,
sit! [Brad sits on the end of his bed. Randy sits on a chair] Alright,
your mom wants to know what's going on between you two. She's not here so
it's up to me. Randy, what's the matter with Brad?

Randy:

I hate him.

Tim:

You don't hate him. Turn around to talk to me. [Randy swivels round in
his chair] What's, what's the problem with Brad?

Randy:

I hate him a lot.

Brad:

Not as much as I hate him.

Randy:

He won't let me into my own room. I can't even do my homework. [Brad
stands up]

Brad:

It's not just your room!

Randy:

Well, you think you own it! [Brad climbs onto his bed]

Tim:

Well, he doesn't own it. I own it. Actually, the bank kind of really owns
it if you think about it! Guys, you've gotta figure out a way to work this
out by yourselves, alright?

Brad:

Randy shouldn't even have a room. He should be at the bottom of Lake
Erie with the other shrimp!

Tim:

Brad!

Randy:

Yeah, and you'd fit right in on Mars where there's no sign of
intelligent life!

Tim:

First of all, they've never confirmed that! And second of all, I want you
guys to shake hands and make up. Big brother, help little brother out,
c'mon. [They don't move] Did you hear what I said? Shake hands, right this
minute! C'mon, hop to it! [Randy stands up and Brad gets off the bed. They
shake hands] Alright, good men. [Tim starts to leave]

Wait a second, this is totally unfair! Why should Brad get his own room?

Tim:

Because he's the oldest, and because I say so, alright?

Brad:

I have to go with Dad on this one!

Tim:

Don't push it!

Randy:

This is totally unfair!

Tim:

Well, life is totally unfair! [Randy goes over to his computer and sits down] When
I was your age, I wanted my own room but I didn't get it! [Short pause]
Come to think of it, I still don't have my own room! [Tim leaves]

[Commercial break]

Cut to the kitchen, later that evening.

[Tim enters from the garage with a cardboard box]

Tim:

I got a box. [Tim gives the box to Mark]

Mark:

Dad, I don't wanna move in with Randy. [Tim sits down on the steps next
to Mark]

Tim:

Oh, Mark, it may seem like a bad idea now, but a lot of times, bad things
turn into good things.

Mark:

What could be good about sharing a room with Randy?

Tim:

Well, I've been thinking about it. Maybe you and Randy will get to know
each other better. When I was your age, I moved in with Steve, you know
Uncle Steve and I don't get along, and when we moved in together, we got
real close. And after that, he didn't beat me up so much!

Mark:

Really?

Tim:

Yeah.

Mark:

I guess that could be a good thing!

Tim:

Yeah! And maybe you and Randy can gang up against Brad!

Mark:

Yeah!

Tim:

Alright!

Mark:

Thanks Dad!

Tim:

You bet! [They stand up. Tim goes into the kitchen and Mark takes the
cardboard box over to the stairs. Jill enters from work]

Mark:

Mom.

Jill:

Hi honey. What are you doing with that box?

Mark:

Dad's making me move! [Jill looks at him]

Jill:

What?

Mark:

To Randy's room. Now I get to beat up on Brad! [Mark goes upstairs]

Jill:

[Shouts] Tim!

[Tim enters from the garage. Jill goes over to the kitchen]

Tim:

That you honey? I could hardly hear you! [Tim cleans out his ear. Tim
shows Jill some chammies] I got a whole buch of chammies on sale.

Jill:

How could you?

Tim:

You said always look for bargains! [Jill takes off her jacket]

Jill:

I mean about switching the boys' rooms.

Tim:

Oh, I tried it your way. It didn't work.

Jill:

My way was that we told them! [Tim puts the chammies back in the
garage] Was I not clear?

Tim:

We, we, we. It can be taken so many ways. To you it meant us, to the
French it means yes, to this little piggy it meant I'm going all the way
home!

Jill:

I can't belive that you made a decision like this without me!

Tim:

If you'd been in the room, arguing with them, you'd have made the same
decision.

Jill:

No I wouldn't have. I would have discussed it with the boys and then I
would have waited for you to come home, and we could have discussed it as
a family!

Tim:

And after all the discussion, the boys would have been, what, ninety?

Jill:

Right. Make jokes.

Tim:

O.K., a crocodile and a giraffe climbed --

Jill:

-- Tim. [Jill fills the kettle]

Tim:

Honey, I don't need endless discussions to make a decision. Men assess a
situation, boom, done.

Jill:

Are you saying that men are more decisive than women?

Tim:

Ho, it's a fact! [Jill turns away in disgust] Oh c'mon! We don't shop
three hours for shoes and handbags. The first pair of shoes I see that
fit, [Tim slaps the worktop] I buy them.

Jill:

Even if they're sling back heels?

Tim:

If they fit!

Jill:

You see, just because men make hasty decisions, doesn't mean that they're
the right ones.

I suppose you could say that. I made a big decision without asking her. I,
er, wanted to stop the boys from fighting so I put them in separate
bedrooms.

Wilson:

Hm-mm-mm. Well, that's a tough decision to make unilaterally.

Tim:

Yeah. Jill figured I should have made it double-laterally! [Wilson looks
up from his telescope]

Wilson:

She used that word?

Tim:

No, no. She doesn't have a big vocabulary like you and me. I thought if I
separated them, it would stop them from fighting.

Wilson:

Oh, I see. Well Tim, what were they fighting about? [Wilson comes over
to the fence]

Tim:

They're boys; they fight about everything. What's it matter?

Wilson:

Well Tim, what you're describing to me brings to mind the verruca
vulgaris.

Tim:

[Grunts] Uhh?

Wilson:

Also known as the common wart.

Tim:

You're calling my sons warts?

Wilson:

Oh.

Tim:

Not that I mind! I don't mind!

Wilson:

No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is most people
think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but, in
actuality, that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear
because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.

Tim:

So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this
problem, huh?

Wilson:

No. No Tim, the only way to get rid of a wart is to go beneath the
surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.

[Randy is working on his computer. Jill knocks on the door and enters]

Jill:

Hi.

Randy:

Hi.

Jill:

Where's Mark?

Randy:

I don't know.

Jill:

Did you stuff him in one of these drawers? [Jill points to the drawers.
Randy doesn't respond] Not funny, huh?

Randy:

It's about as funny as what Dad did. [Jill pulls over a chair and sits
down next to Randy] Do you think you could talk to him?

Jill:

Would you feel better if things went back to the way they were?

Randy:

I'd feel better if I had my own room. [Randy stands up]

Jill:

Unfortunately that's not gonna be an option. [Randy sits on his bed]

Randy:

So what are my options? Living with the dork or living with Brad who
talks on the phone all day. [Jill wheels her chair over to Randy]

Jill:

Honey, Brad is in junior high school now. Y'know, he's gotta lot of new
stuff happening, he's meeting new friends, getting interested in girls --

Randy:

-- let me get this straight. Brad gets new friends, girls, and his own
room, and I get Mark?

Jill:

I'm sorry. I know that this is hard for you. I remember when my sister
hit her teens, y'know, I, she was doing all this interesting stuff that I
wished I was doing.

Randy:

Like what?

Jill:

Well, she got her own room, she started wearing make-up, shaving her
legs. Can you imagine how I felt when she got to wear a bra and I was
still wearing a dorky undershirt?

Randy:

Yeah I can! When do you think I get to wear a bra, Mom? [Jill smiles]

Jill:

[Laughing] O.K., O.K., that's probably not the greatest example, but what
I mean is, I got older, y'know, and I got to have some of those same
experiences. I can't say this shaving-the-legs part was so great. But then my
sister moved out.

Randy:

And then you got your own room?

Jill:

No, then Dad turned it into a study.

Randy:

Great.

Jill:

Don't worry. Y'know with your father, you won't have that problem.

Randy:

Yeah. Dad's idea of a study is a toilet and three hot rod magazines!
[Randy gets off his bed and goes over to the drawers. Jill wheels her
chair over to him]

Jill:

Y'know Randy, there are some advantages to sharing a room with a younger
kid.

Randy:

Such as?

Jill:

Well, you've always wanted to have the upper bunk. You get to listen to
more of your music. Nobody can kick you out of your room.

Randy:

Yeah, but I can always kick Mark out!

Jill:

I didn't say that. Oh, who knows. Maybe just one of these days I'll just
completely lose my mind and let your father build another room.

No, that's not necessary now because I've been thinking about what you
said and I think that women do need to be more decisive. So I've decided that
we should move my car into the garage and your hot rod out to the street
--

Tim:

-- no --

Jill:

-- and I should paint all your tools pink!

Tim:

No, no. [Jill sits down on the couch]

Jill:

I've also decided that I'm not doing anymore of your laundry.

Tim:

Oh, O.K., O.K., O.K., O.K., I get your point. [Tim sits on the couch next
to her] And I've decided, no matter what I do, those warts are going back
to Bulgaria! [Jill looks at Tim, confused]

Jill:

Why do I even try to talk to you?

Tim:

The point is, we've gotta get beneath the oily surface and get to the
root of the boys' problem.

Jill:

I've already gotten to the root of the boys' problem. Randy feels that
Brad is leaving him behind.

Tim:

What d'you mean?

Jill:

Well, Brad's growing up. He doesn't want to spend any time hanging around
with his little brother any more.

Tim:

That's what this is about?

Jill:

Yeah. Oh, it was bound to happen, I guess.

Tim:

Yeah. There was a time my brothers didn't want me tagging around with
them.

Jill:

Did it bum you out?

Tim:

Not really because I tagged along anyway! Bummed them out!

Jill:

[Jill laughs] I'll bet!

Tim:

They'd go to the drive-in with their girlfriends and I'd sit in the back
seat and pop up right when they're trying to make their move with a fright
wig and [Tim pulls a face and waggles his fingers] ooo-loo-ooo-loo-ooo!
[Jill smiles]

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