Monday Watch List: Ice! Dancing! Muuuuuurder!!!

Receive the latest popcornbiz updates in your inbox

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV tonight that may be worth abandoning those plans to hold a press conference to confess your sexual improprieties. LET’S GO!

WINTER OLYMPICS - 8:00PM (NBC)

TONIGHT! It’s the Gold Medal final of ice dancing! AW YEAH! Ice dancing: It’s like figure skating, only without the cool stuff. TORVILL AND DEAN IN THE HIZZAY. Most of the ice dancing coverage this year has centered on Russian skaters Oksana Domnina (Are there any Russian lady skaters NOT named Oksana?) and Maxim Shabalin, who offended many by dressing up as Aborigines and performing a routine so self-parodying, it’s shocking the Van Waldenburgs didn’t perform it first. But another question remains from this fiasco: What the heck are Russian people doing dressing up like Aussie Aborigines? Shouldn’t Australians only be allowed to do something that grossly offensive?

Also tonight: The men’s aerials skiing event and ski jumping gold medal finals. You know why skating is more fun to watch than skiing? Because skaters fall way more often. I mean, they fall ALL THE TIME. There’s drama in that. But these skiers, they never eat it. Lame. ANTICIPATION: ICY!

Miami’s most hated man is murdered. But who is that man? Is it Dave Wannstedt? Crockett and Tubbs? The man who founded Miami Subs? Because that guy is MURDERING the food reputation of an entire city with his abominations. ANTICIPATION: LOOKS LIKE THIS SUB, HAS BEEN SUNK (DONS SUNGLASSES)

THE LAST BOY SCOUT – 9PM (Spike)

“This is the '90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.” ANTICIPATION: FOUR ON MY FINGER SCALE

HOARDERS – 10PM (A&E)

A successful honey business owner is secretly a compulsive hoarder. And I think you know what that means. HOUSE OF BEES! Gah! So many bees! ANTICIPATION: BUZZING!

THE BACHELOR: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE – 8PM (ABC)

I could say the title of this show 700 times and it won’t stop being funny. On the wings… OF LOVE. For love, you see, is not unlike a bird… that pecks your eyes and poops all over your car. Anyway, tonight Jake has to face down all the girls he rejected. It’s just like if I had to do the same thing, only there will be more than zero women in the room. ANTICIPATION: ON THE WINGS OF EXCITEMENT