David Ortiz Will Now Hear the Lamentations of Your Women

Quick: Pick the guy you expected to be leading the Sox in home runs two months into the season.

Maybe Napoli? Or Middlebrooks?

Or, be honest… was it David Ortiz?

If it was, that’s cool. Because you’d be right. And because betting on Ortiz is one of the safest bets you can make these days.

The guy always seems to come up aces when we figure he’s down and out. It’s like the old James Brown routine where he puts on the cape and gets escorted off the stage only to bounce back with a rousing rendition of “Sex Machine.” And let the be the only time I use the words “sex machine” and “David Ortiz” in the same sentence.

Look, coming off last year’s collapse, we didn’t know what to expect from this team. We knew we’d cast off some dead weight, but weren’t sure we were ready to bet on the Red Sox again.

Certainly the last person I expected to be a motherflipping force of nature was The Large Father, yet here he goes. Leading the team in home runs, OPS and slugging and second only to The Elf among regular starters in average and OBP. Number one in AL All-Star voting for DH. And every once in a while, giving us reminders of that 2004 magic–like that gorgeous blast off Kuroda last night in Yankee Stadium. That shit still gives me chills and I’ve been watching him do it for over a decade now.

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I know we’re only two months in. And the threat of injury always seems to hang over Ortiz’s head like the sword of Damocles. But I believe in this guy like I believe in Harvey Dent. And I’m not afraid to drop my baseball betting dollar on any team he’s part of.

And no matter how things work out this year, he’s already given us the highlight of the season:

Nice one Red. We have now relegated the MFY's to a 3rd place tie, and our team really looks like a nice team, and I stress the team part because the youngsters and the old guys seem to get it.

And I see them all drinking a beer somewhere after a game (except for Tazawa, who is sneaking off to watch Julian Tavarez and Mike Timlin, hoping to become crazed in an odd kind of way, part hunter part pantsless).