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Thursday, November 7, 2013

In order to review the 2013 season, the crackpot staff of Off Base is handing out awards to each Major League team. Please send us $19.95 for the shipping and handling of your team's Hello Kitty stickers awards. Here are the Most Valuable Player, Least Valuable Player, Cy Young, Cy Yuck, Rookie of the Year and Reliever of the Year for the Marlins.

*Guidelines, prices and participation may vary by author*MVP: Giancarlo StantonFrom (probably) now until the artist formerly known as Mike Stanton demands that Jeff Loria trades him, we might as well make this spot reserved. His 2.3 fWAR paced the Marlins offense, as did his 135 wRC+ and his .368 wOBA. He didn't get docked any pay this season because he was able to keep his home run balls from breaking the scoreboard. He did however manage to do this:

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Watch out, Planet Hoagie. Stanton also took home the award for most scary stare downs as well as best use of Under Armour cold gear in a humid as fuck state. LVP: Jeff MathisJeff Mathis only appeared in 73 games, but that was good enough for him to post a wRC+ 43, which is actually one point lower than what Jose Fernandez did at the plate. His .181/.251/.284 slash line is about par for the course, and he did post an FRAA of 1.5, but unfortunately for the Marlins, you can't DH for the catcher in the National League. That, of course, is the possible DH adoption they are referring too when they talk about bringing the DH to the NL. Cy Young: Jose FernandezHell, if the plug weren't pulled on Fernandez this season, he may have challenged Clayton Kershaw for the real thing. Oh, who am I kidding, Kershaw has that award all sewn up. Fernandez struck out 9.75 hitters per nine innings and finished his season with a 2.19 ERA and an fWAR of 4.2, not too bad of an opening act. He also did this in his final start of the season:

This just in: Jose Fernandez also wins the awards for Best Bat Flip Performed by a Pitcher and the award for getting Chris Johnson all riled up after hocking a loogie at his feet, subsequently starting a giant brouhaha in his final start of the season. That last one, is a mouthful. Cy Yuck: Jeffrey LoriaWhy? Because is just doesn't seem right to not include that baseball hating, dolphin sculpture home run thingy having man on this list. Congratulations, Mr. Loria. You were able to shed millions and millions of dollars in payroll last offseason. It was a great deal of fun watching Fernandez be a revelation and Stanton be stupid-strong without any actual supporting cast. And no, Placido Polanco does not count as "supporting cast." Rookie of the Year: Jose FernandezInstead of writing even more internet porn about Fernandez, take a look at this:

Jose Fernandez does not care about your fracas. Reliever of the Year: Steve CishekDamnit. Again it goes to the closer. Cishek and his submarine delivery led him to an fWAR of 1.4, a 2.33 ERA and 34 saves. His name also inadvertently led to one of the best signs of the season: