My (26/M) friend (32/M) constantly shouts at his girlfriend (27/F) of a year in front of all of us, so I stood up to him one day and I’ve since had many of our friends tell me that I should have just stayed out of it.

It was two nights ago. He was shouting at her for not putting enough money into the parking meter. They originally did it for two hours but ended up staying at the pub longer, so he asked his girlfriend to put more money into the meter, for another hour. She wasn’t drinking that night, so they took her car and she was the one who was driving. He gave her money to do it, and I guess she ended up forgetting because she said she was going to use the bathroom first and it slipped her mind after that.

By the time she remembered, she ran out to find that her car was still there. It was okay. She took care of it. She came back and laughingly told us that she forgot for a few minutes there. We laughed with her. No one really thought anything of it, but her boyfriend ended up getting really angry, told her that she was stupid, irresponsible, etc., and that if her car was taken away she’d have had only herself to blame. He was talking to her like an angry parent. It was really weird. From what I’ve noticed, she’s a smart, thoughtful person. I could see maybe getting frustrated with your SO if they behave irresponsibly on a regular basis, but the parking meter was a genuine mistake on her part. She got really embarrassed, didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and then accidentally spilled some water on herself as she was getting up.

Again her boyfriend just shouted at her in front of us. I normally stay out of it, not because I approve of that sort of behaviour, but because it’s not my relationship and I don’t know the full story. Also I haven’t hung out with them together all that much. Maybe three times before this. Usually it’s just him. But that night I saw it all, and I kept looking around at everyone else to see if they were going to say anything. One of the girls kept saying, “It was a mistake. Relax,” but he kept at it, so I finally stepped in, pulled him aside and told him that he had to stop. I don’t remember my exact words, but it was something along the lines of, “You’re taking it too far. It was a mistake. You can’t talk to people like that. You’re embarrassing her, yourself and everyone at that table.”

He looked at me as though I was speaking a different language but he calmed down after that, so I figured he got the point. I didn’t think anything of it the rest of the night.

The next day I had a couple of friends telling me that I should have just stayed out of it and that his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit. I agree with the second part, but the thing is she wasn’t really handling it all that well in that one situation. And it’s not so much about being a grown adult. There are lots of adults out there who don’t know how to react when someone, particularly their SO, is shouting at them in front of people over nothing. That doesn’t make them any less of an adult.

She wasn’t standing up for herself and her boyfriend was making the rest of us increasingly uncomfortable with his shit, so I did what I thought was right. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. It wasn’t really even about her. It was him. Someone had to say something or he would have gone on thinking his behaviour was okay. If he thinks he can talk to another adult like they’re a child, surely he can take it himself. I guess he can’t. I guess he went ahead and told people that I said more than I actually did. I told my friends what I said, and they said they believe me, but they still think I should have stayed out of it.

I don’t know.

To be fair I’ve never seen this guy act this way around any of his exes. He’s normally really nice and patient with them, but with the girlfriend he has now, it’s a different story. I don’t know why and I’m not going to pretend like I know, but that’s still no excuse to shout. To me it looks like a lack of respect.

Anyway I don’t know what to do. I really didn’t mean to create problems in the group. At the time I thought I was helping him, giving him a heads up that he had taken it a little far. But he seems to think I should have stayed out of it. Maybe I should have. I don’t know.

Should I apologize? Try figuring out what’s going on with him? Or should I leave it alone?

tl;dr He was never like this with any of his exes. Even so he was making everyone uncomfortable, so I pulled him aside and told him that he had taken it too far. It’s been a couple of days now and the few friends I’ve spoken to are saying that I should have stayed out of it. Maybe he’s going through some other shit. I don’t know. Should I apologize, figure out what’s going on, or should I leave it alone and just give it time?

Not being stood up for teaches you, at the very least subconsciously, that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself.

There’s a reason that “you go girl” type of stuff got really popular. It helped struggling girls gain confidence and stand up for themselves when they might have otherwise felt like society didn’t have their backs.

By doing this you’re signaling to her that she would be in the right to stand up for herself too. Fuck that nonsense your friends said. Being an adult doesn’t mean you grew up right. She could very well have been bullied or had bad parents and never learned how to be hard, or even like she’s allowed to stand up for herself.

I was that girl and I was with my abusive ex for 2 years. Outward support is powerful and the only reason it lasted so long was because I was used to my dad yelling at me growing up so I always internalized it and thought I deserved it. I watched my mom witness my abuse and stay quiet and that taught me that I should be quiet too. Watching almost all these people quietly accept her being treated poorly likely had the same effect — feeling like it’s not that big of a deal and she’s not allowed to be upset, or that she’d be causing a scene by standing up for herself.

She deserves for society to have her back just like everyone else. Fuck being abandoned to deal with your own shit when clearly you’re being verbally abused. He was nasty as fuck and no one should have even wanted to be around him. Let alone some of you guys not only accepting him, but thinking other people should keep quiet as well. Yeesh.

I’m also so glad OP said something. I was also that girl for 3 years and my bf’s friends never said anything to him. They’d make VERY minor comments to me when he was out of earshot but I always thought that I was overreacting or being dramatic because people saw and heard him and never said a word to him. I always just assumed I was too sensitive. And then we broke up and I was devastated, while all of HIS friends were like “why are you so sad? We all heard him abuse you for years.”

That relationship was so lonely and isolating. It would’ve been nice if just ONE person would have spoken up.

What your friends say to you is just a way they are justifying not doing anything themselves. Not many people are brave enough to speak up because of exactly what happens here. Don’t let people tell you that you are wrong. We need more people like you.

What your friends say to you is just a way they are justifying not doing anything themselves. Not many people are brave enough to speak up because of exactly what happens here. Don’t let people tell you what you are wrong. We need more people like you.

Dude, so much this. Just reading this reminded me of a time in a past relationship at a party with a bunch of mutual friends, when I tried to politely address something my then boyfriend said to me that I found disrespectful, (it wasn't the first incident that night but I was trying to be the cool girlfriend because a bunch of our friends were there) he scoffed at me, and I made a sarcastic comment back and he literally slapped me in the face in front of everyone in the middle of a card game, and then stormed outside ranting about how I was being a drama queen when my eyes teared up from shock. Everyone found an excuse to get up to smoke or get a drink, and like 2 people mumbled offhand comments later about how "that wasn't super chill", but NOBODY said anything to stand up for me when it happened and I ended up going to the bathroom to cry so I wouldn't ruin everyone's party by being a drama queen.

OP, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON FOR STANDING UP FOR HER. Maybe she got an ounce of strength for herself that night and had a second thought about being with that shitbag. Because when an abusive partner treats someone that shitty in public, you can be sure that what you're seeing is a fraction of what they are subjected to in private. You aren't gonna change the abusers mindset but you might have just given that girl reason to think about leaving.

That this guy acted out like this publicly, means he doesn't know it isn't normal. He seems like the kind of guy that thinks he is allowed to get angry when someone does something less optimal. He may have been like that in private with his previous gfs. The fact that he behaved like that in this group gathering means he is doing this to everyone. He spoiled the evening for everyone. So that means you can say something about this. You weren't the target of his anger, but he involved all of you. I'm glad you stepped up. Their relationship is their own responsibility, but boundaries are defined in your group. His behavior can't be without consequences.

Agreed solidly here. My ex told me to shut up in front of his friends, would make gestures that I should stop talking, and even yelled at me in front of people. One of his best friends pulled me aside at a get together while he was doing something else inside and was like “dude does he always talk to you like that?” And by that time I had become so self conscious and not confident and isolated because I was depressed because I felt shitty about myself and I was so nervous to speak to any of his friends for fear of embarrassing him that I kinda just mumbled no of course not and left. But I didn’t really realize that it was out of line until that moment. I thought I was always overreacting and that my feelings were out of control. At least he invited me there.

That’s toxic shit. I don’t keep my head down when I see that anymore. You never know who might really need someone to snap them out of it or point it out. Incidentally, I am so much happier and not with him now. And I feel good about myself because there’s isn’t someone constantly putting me down.

Love to both of you. When your partners friends and family “secretly” make comments speaking out against him, you know you’re in a bad relationship. I wish they had the balls to say it to his face, but too many people just don’t want to get directly involved.

Good on OP for calling this dude out on his shit. Hopefully an outsider stepping in forces some introspection.

My best friend was in an abusive relationship for far too long. My boyfriend at the time would always pull him out and make him “understand.” . A year later, when my BF that always took care- not enough I guess- moved away I dated another guy. 6’9 240. He was a beast! This Asshole got in my friends face and tried to punch her. John took the Plastic driveway reflector light (you know, Those bendy sticks). and literally chased him down the street whipping him. Assface kept yelling “punk!” As he was whipped down the street with everyone laughing.

Edit- not editing- English is my first language but I’ve been drinking pretty hard tonight. Sorry for the grammar mistakes and all!! I mean well!

My best friend was in an abusive relationship for far too long. My boyfriend at the time would always pull him out and make him “understand.” . A year later, when my BF that always took care- not enough I guess- moved away I dated another guy. 6’9 240. He was a beast! This Asshole got in my friends face and tried to punch her. John took the Plastic driveway reflector light (you know, Those bendy sticks). and literally chased him down the street whipping him. Assface kept yelling “punk!” As he was whipped down the street with everyone laughing.

had a roommate who dragged another roommate down the stairs by his hair asking him if he liked to hit girls because he smashed his gfs face into the table right before. Roommate one beat the shit outta that kid. Put his stuff outside and he never came back but his gf tried to live there for a while and then moved in with him. I would’ve liked to help her.

I agree...I know the popular saying is "Violence is never the answer". But, honestly, sometimes it's the only answer when trying to get through to a violent abuser. Coupled with public humiliation, it just might get a violent bully to stop...even if it's just because they fear getting their ass kicked again.

Dude, so much this. Just reading this reminded me of a time in a past relationship at a party with a bunch of mutual friends, when I tried to politely address something my then boyfriend said to me that I found disrespectful, (it wasn't the first incident that night but I was trying to be the cool girlfriend because a bunch of our friends were there) he scoffed at me, and I made a sarcastic comment back and he literally slapped me in the face in front of everyone in the middle of a card game, and then stormed outside ranting about how I was being a drama queen when my eyes teared up from shock. Everyone found an excuse to get up to smoke or get a drink, and like 2 people mumbled offhand comments later about how "that wasn't super chill", but NOBODY said anything to stand up for me when it happened and I ended up going to the bathroom to cry so I wouldn't ruin everyone's party by being a drama queen.

OP, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON FOR STANDING UP FOR HER. Maybe she got an ounce of strength for herself that night and had a second thought about being with that shitbag. Because when an abusive partner treats someone that shitty in public, you can be sure that what you're seeing is a fraction of what they are subjected to in private. You aren't gonna change the abusers mindset but you might have just given that girl reason to think about leaving.

After I left my abusive ex, all of his friends abandoned him. It was a large friend group that my current SO was/ is part of (a lot of people have moved/ changed their lives since this happened) and basically I "kept" all of the friends in the "divorce."

I was pretty pissed in the aftermath to find out that they all hated him and didn't say anything to me but in this kinda situation the abused partner needs to come to their own conclusions... still it would've been nice for someone to pull me aside and say "wtf are you doing, you're too good for this shit." Granted, there was at least some measure of that, as I literally could not have left without the support of friends.

Hey, fuck enablers. I’ve tried to make my close friend see the light, along with her family members, but I’ve given up. She refuses to leave her abusive boyfriend, and I genuinely think she wants to be with him forever.

I’ve met him twice in 6-7 years. One of those times, he started screaming at her for missing a call because he had to wait outside (with a buddy, fyi) for no longer than 10 minutes. I snapped. I shouted “SHUT THE FUCK UP, ___. QUIT YOUR FUCKING BITCHING”. If he tried to interrupt, I’d shut it down. His buddy said nothing, obviously.

The look on his face made me want to hit him. He was SO shocked I had the audacity to not allow his angry rant to continue.

His behavior made you and others uncomfortable, so you addressed his behavior with him. If your friends complain again and keep mentioning the gf, just redirect to you being uncomfortable with his behavior. If he was treating any person that way you would have addressed it.

I completely agree. Women need to be shown it is ok to stand up for themselves and also victims of all kinds men and women. Standing up for others disrupts the kind of group dynamic that enables passive acceptance of cruelty

So, I have never had an abusive bf, but I was abused by my stepmother. Verbally and physically. She often did this to me in public and she would tell people (right next to me) that I was mentally impaired, fat, lazy, etc. I was 7 when that started. No one would say anything. I was 9 when she started hurting me. When people saw the marks she would say I did it to myself. I had to go to therapy. Once, I told the therapist I didn't hurt myself, she hurt me. They called her and told her I said that. That's night I broke my own jaw, falling on the fireplace like the stupid little psycho I apparently was. Still, no one said anything. Except this one day we went to see my grandparents and she was verbally laying into me. My grandpa looked at her and said "would you just shut the hell up and leave her alone?"

He's been gone since 2008 and he's still my hero. The abuse went on several more years. She hated me because my dad loved me and in her warped mind that made me the other woman. She used to tell him he was being inappropriate if he ever paid any attention to me. They divorced after 7 years and the day we left was the first day of a very long journey to recovery. My grandpa was the only person who said a word among a slew of mandatory reporters. Even though he didn't save me, he made me stronger. Someone SAW me. I needed that to survive. Sorry for the length and the sideways route to the point.

I agree with this. I had an ex shout at me at a bar once & a girlfriend sitting next to me said “are you going to let him speak to you like that?”

I dated the guy for another 2 years (ah youth, so young & dumb) and I’m sure we had many other fights in public but I’ll always remember that one comment from that one friend that made me think how he treats you isn’t normal.

Going to chime in with the thank you's. OP did the right thing. Let's not forget the douchebag ignored the kinder, "you're going too far" from one of the women in the group. This guy behaves this way and he is being allowed to be that way because no one stops him. I just hope he didn't take it out on that poor undeserving woman when they were in private. She needs to nope the fuck out of there and realize she deserves respect.

And funny how these friends think he should have "stayed out of it" when this guy was abusing his girlfriend but they themselves aren't "staying out of it" when it comes to what happened between him and the abuser. When it comes to that situation, they're quite happy to insert themselves into it and make their opinion known and tell him why he's wrong. And funny how they think the girlfriend should stand up for herself when she's being abused, but somehow, the poor abuser needs his friends to stand up for him when he's all pouty about being held accountable for his abuse. If they think OP should stay out of it they should practice what they preach and do the same. But of course they won't. These friends are hypocrites who aren't interested in people minding their own business as they're pretending their position is - while doing the opposite. They're only interested in protecting an abuser from consequences at the expense of the person he's abusing. They've shown their true characters and it's not a good look on them.

This is a great great point, and a perspective I hadn't thought of - OP feel free to (gently and non accusatorily, since I'm assuming you want to stay friends with them) bring this up. You were pulling the bf aside for something you felt was actually out of line (ie. The appearance of verbal abuse and disrespect) just as they are pulling you aside (for standing up to and calling out what looks like verbal abuse and disrespect). Ask them why bf needs someone to defend him more than gf needed someone to defend her (as they are apparently in the process of doing).

I agree with you and OP. It’s so weird how passive people are about other people’s poor behavior. I recently had to call an acquaintance out on his shot behavior and I broke it down for him in hopes he would learn from it.

And it's also weird how they're suddenly not so passive when it comes to someone like OP speaking up about other people's poor behaviour. Then they prove they're quite capable of speaking up for others and defending them - but only when it's for the abuser. When it comes to speaking up for the person he's abusing, suddenly these people are very, very quiet and too busy looking the other way because "it's not their place to interfere."

You're right! Part of the reason I was in an abusive relationship for three years is because it took that long for anyone to tell me I deserved better. If I hadn't met those friends, I don't know if I would have found the courage.

Fuck everyone saying deal with it and or just being shut up and doing nothing. I hate this. But aslong as it clear whos abusing who its somewhat less worse than being framed as someone whoa actualy abusing someone who actualy abuses you, and just because person who abuses you is popular everyone believes that person and act like youre the fucking abuser.
Im sick of it.

Outward support is one of the few things that can help rewire you towards good things. Although I'm a man, I was also in an abusive relationship for far too long. And the only reason it ended was because friends and family kept telling me that I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving. I can't thank them enough for supporting me in bailing myself out.

I think you handle the situation pretty well, the moment he started berating his girlfriend in public he made it a public thing therefore everybody's business, and you stepping in probably stopped the situation from escalating.

Exactly. He was making it our problem by shouting in front of all of us. I’m just worried now that he maybe took it out on her in private, and maybe that’s why my other friends are saying I should have stayed out of it. That’s the only reason for staying out of it that makes sense to me. It’s still better to stand up for someone, just so they’re reminded that it’s okay to stand up on their own, but I’m still a bit worried.

He’s not a violent guy by any means. But his words are enough from what I heard.

Absolutely. I had a violent ex as well. He started out okay, but was unable to control his shit behavior and started escalating. By the time he started embarrassing me in public (once because he accused me of smiling at another guy at the mall), he was very close to putting his hands on me. So OPs friend may be working through a similar cycle, as abusers tend to go in cycles and that guy is most definitely abusive.

Agreed. My ex, who was the sweetest girl I’ve ever dated, got violent with me over a comment one of our friends made about her on a night out. She never would have done it otherwise, but for some reason that made her snap and take it out on me. Violent people aren’t a specific type of people, they can be anyone, especially people you least expect.

I'm glad you stood up for her and everything that all the other comments have said. My additional issue/concern is why is it okay with the rest of your friends for him to act this way? Is he like the general group douche bag or was this out of character for him? Seems like a sensible group would distance themselves from a person such as this and not ignore his abusive behavior. Little disappointed in your friends

Honestly it’s really out of character. He’s only like this with her. We used to be really close friends, so I feel like I’d have noticed if he’d treated any of his previous girlfriends like this at all. But I could be completely wrong. Maybe he was simply better at hiding it before. I just have a feeling he’s going through something.

Either way his behaviour isn’t okay. If for some reason he’s going through something, he can talk to us. To me specifically. We were roommates at one point after all. He doesn’t have to, and shouldn’t, take it out on her.

The thing is, a lot of abusers are super charming to their friends, coworkers, family, etc. That's how so many abusers get away with abusing their spouse: they are friendly, funny, hard-working people to everyone who's an "outsider", while they release their uppent frustration of the day (even just their irrational angry violence) behind close doors. So when the spouse overcomes their shame and tells other people, a lot of people don't believe them. "Are you sure he was really yelling at you?" "Wow, you must've him really angry - it takes two to tango you know." "Steve? Steve wouldn't do that, I've known him for many years, he's a really great guy."

Or, like now: "Maybe he's going through something". I think you're a stand-up guy (literally :)) but please don't shut your eyes to the possibility that your friend has always been this way. It may very well be possible that over the last couple of relationships his behavior has slowly worsened, and that it's now normalized (to him) to the point where he also shows (part of) it in public.

And to add to that: the behavior of the rest of your friends is condoning his abuse. The fact that up til now nobody spoke up, was his sign that "this is okay, I can act like this without a social fallout". Personally, I wouldn't have been surprised that if nobody had said anything for a longer period of time, eventually he would've slapped her in public as well. Abuse worsens over time.

tl;dr *You* may know him as a great guy. But you've not been his SO, you have not spend time with him in such a relationship. You don't know what he's been like behind closed doors.

Ergh... This is me right now so it hits hard. I have too many mutual friends so I can't cut him off completely. People have taken sides and have said he can't be that bad because he's nice to them and if he was like that, he's changed now. They question that he's ever abused me because he "seems" like a nice guy and think I'm the one that's manipulative and as such. It really hurts when you want to shout out what has happened to you and people think you're crazy. I had a few friends, or people that knew us comment that they did see him berate me in public at times, but no one said anything until we broke up. I do wish someone would've said something and I could've had common sense to leave much earlier.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I believe you. It's not your fault. I'd say that mutual friends that question his abuse, or stay friends with him despite knowing what he did to you, are not really friends. It might be better to let this "friend" group go if these people don't believe you or support you. That's a really toxic environment.

But I also understand that things like this are really hard to navigate. It's so awful to not only live with the trauma of past abuse, but also deal with the social fallouts when you finally get away. So I get not cutting him/everyone completely off. Social isolation is terrible.

But it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it took you a long time before you could leave. He didn't have the right to do those things to you. I've been there. It's not our fault. I know it may not feel like this now, but I think there will come a day that you look back and you can see how much you've grown since, and it won't hurt as bad. It will become part of your history. You're getting stronger with every passing day.

This! I was in an abusive relationship and this is exactly how this played out. His friends had no idea, and they wouldn't believe he was doing what he was doing.

It was awful. The abuser I was dating was unemployed and lounged around all day long. When I came home from work I was berated on the condition of the apartment. Somehow even though I had been at work all day, it was my fault.

I had to pay for all of our groceries, he would refuse to give me money. Then if I didn't buy what he wanted, he would eat all of my food while I was at work. I felt I had no where to go.

I didn't think anyone would believe me because everyone thought he was such a great guy.

Abusers put on a facade. Just because they are nice to their friends, doesn't mean that they are that way to their partners. Abusers are master manipulators who know how to play the situations.

They know they have to be this charming person for their friends to believe the lie. But a genuinely good person is not going to abuse their partner.

Most abusers come off as charming, likeable, and reasonable to those outside of their abusive relationship. This is extremely common.

People can be one way with some people and another way to others.

Something victims often experience is something you’re most likely experiencing right now, and it’s called cognitive dissonance. It’s when two strongly held beliefs exist at the same time in the mind - and their contradictory nature causes extreme confusion, or lapses in judgment. ie: « he is my friend, I know him » vs « that was horrible and extremely wrong, maybe I don’t know him at all »

Victims often experience the same thing, but magnified to a thousand. « This is the person I am in love with, and trust the most » vs « this person is purposely hurting me »

These two concepts are fighting for dominance in the mind, and are so opposite and conflicting, and the victim naturally wants the good reality to be true, so they deny the reality of the abuse altogether, even to themselves. Often they start to believe their abuser when they tell them they deserve it, or they’re stupid, or selfish, or worthless. It’s a form of brain washing. That’s what emotional abuse is. It’s total control over another person.

Statistically, ALL physically abusive relationships start as emotionally abusive ones. Not all emotionally abusive relationships become physically violent, but abuse predominantly tends to escalate unless the victim removes themselves from the relationship.

You did the right thing.

Take some time away from the group. Take some time to see it at a distance. Try not to engage in making excuses for your friend, and try not to engage the group in arguments about it.

You know what you did was right. We know what you did was right. And she may not know it right now, but she will one day know what you did was right, too.

Most abusers come off as charming, likeable, and reasonable to those outside of their abusive relationship. This extremely common.

Statistically, ALL physically abusive relationship start as emotionally abusive ones. Not all emotionally abusive relationships become physically violent, but abuse predominantly tends to escalate unless the victim removes themselves from the relationship.

My abusive ex was only like that with me too. Looking back he was kind and patient and went out of his way for everybody, he was chill and understanding. But something about me tripped his trigger hard and he was so damn hard on me about everything. I got none of the sweet kind guy everybody else got and he kept telling me that everyone loved him and he was cool with everybody and he was absolutely the greatest guy. But he was not that guy with me and I saw who he was with other people and in a very sick and twisted way I came to blame myself whole heartedly for the way he treated me and the things he did to me. Something inside me was inherently wrong, inharmonious, warped. And he had to tell me about it everyday. I am so happy to be away from this guy. Toxicity can be developed in specific emotional environments.

sweetheart he thought he had you and he could let out his inner mongrel and you would stay. The being nice to others serves a few purposes. As others have mentioned, two that come to mind are the conflict and dissonance that makes you doubt and question yourself. As well as pushing you into isolation, not literally, but figuratively. i mean you're just the girl whom is a bit crazy that none believes If no-one has ever seen your boyfriend shitty behavior.

I would page through the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. One of the themes of the book is that domestic abusers feel entitled to control their partners (and maybe families) in a way that they do not feel entitled to anyone else. This means that his moral compass might be relatively functional when he interacts with you. However, when he interacts with his girlfriend, he's operating on a different set of assumptions about 1) whether it's OK for her to disagree with him and 2) what's appropriate for him to do if she does.

Reading this post I see a lot of my own experience reflected. Earlier this year I was in an incredibly similar situation with one of my oldest friends- our friendship was so fun, our families were friends, I enjoyed his company loads and in my own experience he was a super caring guy but there had been instances over the years of uncomfortable, awkward moments of shouting or cruelty to the women he was dating, just like the one you describe, that were enough to cause a wariness in me.

This culminated in his most recent girlfriend drunkenly telling me that he had pushed her up against a wall by her throat when they had been arguing because ‘he wanted her to stop crying’.
Obviously I was horrified and told her this. The next day I sent her a message telling her that if she wanted to talk about everything further I was there for her and that I didn’t want her to feel alone. She then showed these messages to my friend who LOST HIS SHIT. He went off at me, telling me I should trust him over his girlfriend, that she was lying, how dare I go to her first etc. Long story short he told me he had no interest in being friends further and cut contact which absolutely blew me away. But I guess the long drawn out point I’m trying to make is that I think somebody’s reaction after getting confronted says a lot- if there’s truly nothing to hide and it was a misunderstanding or your friend was having a bad day and lost his temper, I feel that his reaction would’ve reflected that more.

And honestly, sometimes shit like this in public is more harmful than the shit that’s said and done in private. Being treated like that in public, in front of friends no less, is the height of disrespect. When someone thinks nothing of berating, belittling, and calling you names in front of people, it’s humiliating. You feel ashamed of yourself for existing.

And the scariest part of this is when no one counters the behaviour of the abuser in public. It just reinforces the lie that the victim somehow deserves the treatment (they absolutely do not!).

But the abuser can then take it further to controlling and manipulating the situation to their benefit. The victim will see no one seems to care, so then they start to question whether the abuse is even that bad? Surely their friends and family would say something if it were bad right?

But quite often people just simply refuse to get involved. OP did the absolute right thing in this situation. The friends are just enabling the abuse to continue.

Have you checked in with her? Maybe make sure she knows you'll be there for her if she needs it. And if she tells you that you crossed a line, then you'll know that in the future if he berates her to stay out of it. However I think the opposite is going on here.

If he did take it out on her in private, first of all that’s not on you. That’s 100% on him. While reading your post I was thinking if he’s like that in front of friends, what is he like in private. I would not rule it out that he hits her, but either way he is at minimum emotionally abusing her which is very harmful as well.

Abuse comes in many forms. He may or may not physically harm her but he is absolutely mentally and emotionally abusive. She is an adult and can make her own choices but know that it isn't easy for the abused to stand up for themselves. They start to believe what their SO is saying about them. That they are stupid, selfish, clumsy etc. Good for you for standing up for her, OP.

The additional problem here is he made it everyone else's business and then by agreeing that OP should have stayed out of it they have effectively supported his behaviour, especially if they have said that to him when he's complained. They have indirectly said it is acceptable to treat someone that so he will then feel more comfortable doing it again.

Yes, as a friend your true responsibility is also to ensure that ur friends best interests are taken care of. And this means to tell him unpleasant truths.

Now how you do it is a matter of thought, whether you do it in a group or have a chat with him later one on one. That’s basis your relationship with him. It usually makes sense to have told him one on one so he can absorb it better (when his trigger has passed) and to save face. But your intention to do it was to stop him in the moment and help him not make it worse. That’s acted like a well meaning friend. If he doesn’t appreciate it, too bad man, his loss. You can re-evaluate your relationship as a friend too

Now having said that, someone also needs to chat with the girlfriend to tell her that listening to anger bouts isn’t healthy, it becomes an unhealthy parent - child equation where each party plays an unhealthy role. She has to stand up to it not only in personal life but especially in a social situation.

I’d say bring it up with your mate over a calm chat and hopefully let him see the folly of his ways. You’re not only doing it for yourself, but also for a valued friend to help him better handle himself and so that he doesn’t do this again and make a fool of himself.

Yup... agreed. People don't see it that way unfortunately. A surprising number of people.

I stood up to an ex-friend's boyfriend because I saw him slam her up against the wall by the neck with his forearm. I lost it. Everybody told me I should have stayed out of it, and the friend also turned her back on me.

Thank you. Thank you so much for standing up for this girl. How many awful things have been done in this world because people didn't want to get involved? Because they thought that it wasn't a big deal, or they didn't want to make a scene, or because they thought someone else was handling it? So many horrible things have been done because people lacked the courage of their convictions to stand up when they saw something was wrong. You stood up. Thank you.

As for your "friends" (who are kind of cowardly IMHO), they say, "his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit." Let's question that. Your friend has become so comfortable with criticizing and berating his girlfriend that he now lets it be seen in public. How much belittlement goes on behind closed doors to give him that sense of entitlement? Enough to make him an emotional abuser? This girl, who may will be emotionally abused, can NOT "handle her own shit" if all of her emotional energy is going towards keeping him appeased. It will make her forgetful (feeding the meter), clumsy with nervous energy (spilling the water), and paralyzed into inaction (her inability to stand up for herself). People who are locked in these toxic relationships do not have the perspective to see what it looks like to healthy individuals; you gave them both a reality check.

There are four parties here who owe you some gratitude. First, there is the girl because you told her that she is worth defending. Second, there is your friend because he needs to know that he is becoming a horrible person and that needs to be corrected. Third, there are the other people there that night because they need to be reminded what it looks like to do the right thing. And, fourth, you need to thank yourself because you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you walk your talk. Good job. Keep it up.

Just so you know. A women just died in Brasil killed by her husband. She was a lawyer and quite successful. He used to beat her in the elevator of the building they lived in. The neighbours said they heard her scream all the time but never did anything because " you shouldn't get between a couple". Also all her family and friends saw that he treated her like shit and never said a word.

I am not saying your friend beats his grilfriend. All I am saying is you are braver than most and thank you for standing up for her.

It was and there are videos from the elevator camera showing it and it's horrible . Her name was Tatiane and there is a hashtag going around about this. 13 women are murdered every day in Brasil and 80% it's the husband or partner that is responsible. There is a campaign going now asking people to say something if they see these kind of situations.

And also there is probably some shame on the part of those who were too cowardly to get involved so they are trying to make themselves feel better with the idea that it's nobody's business. Fuck that. You did a good thing and the world would be a better place if more people stood up to bullies.

As someone who's been in that situation, albeit growing up with emotionally abusive parents, so much this. It took a friend visiting with me and my my parents to see in one day what I didn't for 27 years. She saved my life. And also, I can't say your friend's girlfriend feels the same, but growing up with being berated and verbally attacked in public I used to pray and hope some adult would step in and help me. The few times someone did meant the absolute world to me and I still tear up thinking about them because of how grateful I was. Standing up for someone in those situations helps them so much more than you'll ever know or see, but it does make a huge difference. And it's unfortunately something very few people actually do so you have nothing to feel bad about; you had the courage to stand up for someone when it's all too easy to just sit and watch. Thank you for being the person you are :)

My ex used to yell at me about how air headed and forgetful I was. It only occurred to me years later that those traits vanished as soon as I left him, and that they were indeed a byproduct of being preoccupied with appeasing a range of other situations he drummed up to cause drama and bother. I would definitely be the one to forget to feed the parking meter because I was in the loo worrying about how someone mentioned a name similar to the name of a guy I dated when I was 18 and knowing he was going to rage and moan about my ex all the way home because he remembered him via hearing his name... that sort of shit. Then you get yelled at for forgetting to feed the meter.

Non-forgetful and non-air headed for ten years this January. Funny that.

As for your "friends" (who are kind of cowardly IMHO), they say, "his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit."

Yep. Interesting how they say that, but somehow, the poor abuser can't "handle his own shit" - ie, his upset that he's been held accountable for his abusive behaviour. No, the poor dear needs the same friends who think an abuse victim should handle her own shit to handle his shit for him and lecture OP for not staying out of it - while they're quite happy to not stay out of it when it comes to defending the abuser. OP, your friends have proven with their own actions that they actually don't believe in staying out of things or allowing people to handle their own shit. It's just that unlike you, they think it should only be done in defence of a bad person who mistreats others.

The friends say that the woman is an adult who can handle her own shit. But OP didn’t confront the woman.

He confronted his friend who is also an adult. He confronted his friend who ought to be able to handle his own shit and clearly can’t because he’s abusing his girlfriend. Why is it the woman’s duty to control her shitty boyfriend’s emotional outbursts that were making everyone uncomfortable??

Slightly unrelated, but my office manager boss used to constantly yell at me for clumsiness, stuttering, and being too slow. Funny thing is, nobody before or since has ever had a problem with my work product (and I don't stutter). I was just always so constantly worried about the early morning abusive marathon in my boss' office that I had forgotten how to be a good, creative part of the office team. And the ironic thing? This company was going under in several ways that in hindsight were easily preventable. All of my boss' colleagues could hear the constant yelling behind thin walls. If they had bothered to check his behavior, I'm almost certain I could've been a better employee (and happier too).

Thank you for calling out your asshole friend, seriously. You did the right thing. If he's like this in public he's worse in private. He's likely always been this way, even with his other girlfriends, he's just finally showed his ass in public. Your friends saying she's an adult and should handle her shit are also assholes. I hope she breaks up with him.

It sucks when you realize people you like are essentially cowards. There are better people in the world, you'll find them. Keep giving a fuck and standing up for people and you'll make better, truer friends.

Honestly, the "stay out of it" argument in situations like this essentially boils down to three motivations:

Shame: Your friends are ashamed they didn't choose, or were too afraid to stand up to this guy. They justify it by reasoning that it's not their business and you're making a bigger deal out of it than it's worth

Discomfort: They can't deal with the social discomfort of a tense situation and they're frustrated that "you" put them in it

Lack of empathy: They genuinely don't care that their friend is an emotionally abusive bully and really do think you're making a big deal out of all this

I'll add another one, for me I've been in the girlfriend's position and while I haven't been on the outside much when I have I've froze. I wouldn't blame the friend that spoke up, in fact I would thank them for doing so.

No they haven't. Because they were quite happy not to mind their own business when it came to what happened between OP and the asshole. And they're not letting the "poor" abuser handle stuff himself by letting him speak to OP if he has a problem with it. They've shown they're quite happy to step into the middle of conflict themselves - but only to defend an abusive asshole.

I’m not agreeing with the friends about minding their own business. I’m just saying that position they took may have been learned behavior growing up either directly or vicariously. It should be explained to those friends that it is not ok to turn a blind eye with that type of bullshit. If you want to understand more about the point I’m trying to make, look up Albert Bandura and his social learning theory.

I’m not agreeing with the friends about minding their own business. I’m just saying that position they took may have been learned behavior growing up either directly or vicariously. It should be explained to those friends that it is not ok to turn a blind eye with that type of bullshit. If you want to understand more about the point I’m trying to make, look up Albert Bandura and his social learning theory.

I agree, if the friends‘ shying away from confronting the boyfriend about yelling at his girlfriend like that is learned behavior they need to unlearn this just as much as the boyfriend needs to unlearn yelling at his girlfriend as a means to resolving his disagreement.

I would be too. It’s not every day you find out your friends are bystanders and cowards. Or is it that they approve of the way he acts as an adult in public? That line’s getting awfully hazy. Miss me with that enabling bullshit. Good for you for standing up.

It sucks to learn that people are so small when you think of them in a good light. You are strong and you have courage. More people need you than you know. Good job calling him out. I hope you continue to call out behavior that hurts others because it’s the only way this world is going to get any better. Thank you so much for what you did. I am also an abused woman and I wish someone would have spoken up for me. I even asked for help from friends and they brushed me off. True colors show through and you have to trim the fat sometimes.

I think something else to consider is what happened with the other girl.

Your friend thinks so little of women, in general, that her repeated efforts to be heard and tone down the situation were completely ignored. So it isn't just "this girlfriend," he just feels more comfortable to act on his views publicly than he did before.

Is the girl who told him to relax getting the same social pressure as you are? Or is it only you, because your opinion has weight... and hers doesn't?

You've obviously grown apart from this guy already, but the way your other friends are acting should also give you pause. When we make decisions about who our friends are, we're also making decisions about who we want to be.

Maybe try talking to your friends and explain why you stood up and said something and that more people need to do so when they see this type of shit. Show them all the responses in this post to help get the point across. They may have been taught to not get in anyone’s business so they don’t know to stand up for others. We live in a weirdly passive society.

Nice try, but if they'd been "taught to not get in anyone’s business so they don’t know to stand up for others" they wouldn't be so quick to get into the business of what happened between OP and the abusive guy.

Here’s the thing, they’re listening to this guy trash talk and buying into his lies. This just validates his behaviour with his girlfriend and therefore makes them enablers of abuse. Any chance of a wake up call he might have gotten is being squashed because they’re agreeing with his justifications. They didn’t stand up in the moment and what they’re doing now is worse because they’re doubling down and validating the abuser.

You are a good man. Your friend sounds abusive. Your other friends sounds like weak sheeple. We need more ppl in the world like you -ppl who speak up for what is right. I would have done the same and so would my bf. But I am so surprised that so many ppl just follow the crowd it's so annoying. Group think.

As someone who has been yelled at multiple times in public by a SO (especially when drinking), I give you many thanks. It is humiliating to be berated in front of a group of people, especially when you've done nothing wrong.

When a superior of my SO (he's in the military) finally stood up for me and told my SO that he was out of line and that he should have way more appreciation for me (I had just made a huge sacrifice for him), I felt so much more validation. I was eventually able to stand up for myself and demand different behavior. Sometimes it takes someone else showing that they know your worth for you to understand it for yourself. I hope you were that person for your friend's GF.

The next day I had a couple of friends telling me that I should have just stayed out of it and that his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit. I agree with the second part, but the thing is she wasn’t really handling it all that well in that one situation.

As someone that has been in a similar situation with a previous SO, I feel that you did the right thing. The boyfriend sounds like a bit of an asshole and the rest of your friends are cowards for not sticking up for her. I can almost guarantee that she is silently appreciative of you sticking up for her. If you love someone, you wouldn't berate them that way and ESPECIALLY not in front of an audience.

You did a good thing, don't apologise. I do think your idea to check in on your friend to make sure he's okay and find out if he has something going on is a really good idea at this point. Especially if you're worried that speaking up on behalf of his gf may have harmed your relationship with him.

You did the right thing. Whether or not a woman can stand up for herself in the situation isn't the point - it still helps to have support and someone OTHER than the gf may be the only way to defuse the situation. Lack of support from witnesses can also make abused people think the behavior is okay (been there, had that brain weasel).

Don't apologize. You handled it perfectly. If he doesn't want people in his business he shouldn't be shouting his business in front of them. His behavior was affecting the whole group and the vibe of the night for everyone, it wasn't taking place privately between just the two of them.

If you're afraid of your partner, because they are abusive, you get nervous. You then make more mistakes, making them more angry. This, to me, is a clear sign you did the right thing calling him out. You're not just tellin him his behaviour is wrong, you're also telling her it's wrong, and maybe she'll snap out of enabling his abuse. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you care about her and will support her if she decides to leave him, and follow up on that. You sound like a great person, and I want to be your friend.

Also:

his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit

This is what abuse enabling looks like.

Abuse victims can't handle their own shit. They don't even know they are in shit! Abusers are good at gaslighting and manipulating, and the poor girl probably thinks he's right, and she's a dumbo who deserves to be treated like that. Until someone shows them the shit, and how to deal with it, and then maybe they feel empowered enough to deal with their own shit. Until then, though, dismissing and enabling this behaviour is actually helping the abuser abuse his victim.

That's what your friends are doing.

They are initially condoning abuse by their friend as long as they aren't the target, all for the sake of the group dynamic. I was in a group like that. "Well, yeah, he is cheating on his girlfriend while out drinking with us, but it's really none of our business." Sure it is! By associating with this person and condoning this behaviour, you are effectively as bad as they are. Your moral compass aligns with them in that moment, and that reflects badly on you.

Not you though, OP, yours points in the right direction. Follow it, and if that means no longer associating with this friend group but instead building a new one, then by all means do it. I'd advise you to do it, because leaving my toxic friend group has alleviated so much stress and left me a better person.

You’re a kind, empathetic person and your friends are behaving like shits. What he did was wrong, regardless of if she has a history of being irresponsible. It’s never okay to give someone a dressing down. You didn’t get in the middle of a petty mutual spat (inserting yourself in their relationship); you interceded on behalf of someone getting treated poorly by someone she happens to be dating.

Your friends’ behavior is likely a part of why this guy thinks it’s acceptable to do this.

One of my best friends for YEARS was verbally abusive to her bf. I really wish I or any of our friends had stepped in or said something sooner. All her older friends were just used to it and I kind of just assumed it was a known problem or something they were working on but not very well. By the end of their relationship I finally got to a point where I criticized her in private for it, but I wish I'd said something in public. So many parties I wanted to leave because she'd just rail on him in front of everyone.

Anyhow, bottom line is you're not "creating a problem in the group", you're pointing out a problem he's creating. Figuring out "what's going on" doesn't mean much, because that isn't appropriate behavior no matter what the context. Don't let abuse get normalized, it's important, even if you're close to the guy.

Exactly, the friend is the problem, the others are hoping it will go away if they ignore it, and are mad at OP for pointing it out.

Problem one: friend verbally abuses his girlfriend in public.

Problem two: friend ignores the woman in the group who asked him to calm down, and didn't stop until a man told him to. So he's shitty to women in multiple ways.

Problem three: cowardly friends try to resolve the problem by making OP pretend it doesn't exist and he was wrong to point it out.

Sounds like you should either put the effort in to educate these shitty friends on what abuse and sexism are and why they shouldn't perpetrate/apologize for it, or ditch these assholes in favor of the women in the group. I know which option I'd choose.

Thank you for doing this. This would happen to me when my ex got really drunk and none of his friends would say anything and let him just yell and scream at me in front of everybody, and I wish someone had said something because in that position, I couldn’t really say much without it getting worse from there. I think you did the right thing, and the other friends are just assholes who tolerate this unacceptable behavior

Children or adults, people should watch out for each other. Being a silent bystander when witnessing abuse is the same as supporting the abuser. I hope the girlfriend is okay. The boyfriend sounds extremely abusive - if this is what he pulls in public, imagine what's going on behind closed doors.

I also suspect misogyny? Since he was willing to listen to you (another man) but not another woman in the group.

If you're willing, please tell her (if you get the chance to catch a word with her privately) that her boyfriend's behavior is not acceptable and urge her to get out / seek resources. Or maybe try to figure out what's going on. She might really some external support.

You should throw it in your friends faces. Tell them that you’re not the kind of person who can sit quietly aside when you see people being disrespected. That if he wanted it private, then he should have kept it private but by doing all that yelling and screaming in public he invited people to comment.

Even taking the verbal abuse out, this dude has some nerve complaining that his public actions got a public response.

I've actually said that to friends like that... I deliberately worded it very strongly "I will ALWAYS(added verbal emphasis) help those I believe are in trouble, to do otherwise is morally reprehensible."

It is way stronger then reality, but it gets the point across that I won't stand idle when I think someone is injured or being injured, and that I would have their back or stand up to them in a similar situation. I've lost very few friends based on this stance.

You definitely did the right thing standing up for someone, especially for something blown way out of proportion. I wouldn't apologize for it, but if he's a good friend and this was really out of character, it might not hurt to ask what's going on that had him acting so irrationally. Maybe there's some difficult stuff he's not dealing well with and a friends ear might help get that sorted out (again, his behaviours is inexcusable and a friend would call that out)

"The next day I had a couple of friends telling me that I should have just stayed out of it and that his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit." Say that to them next time they call the police or a handyman or any other adult. "You're an adult, figure it out yourself." It's called helping and standing up for someone. Your friends are cowards and shitty people. Abusers like your friend need a wake up call by constantly being called out and uninvited to events if they continue their behavior. Or unfriend him "i don't like the way youre treating another human being. It's an ugly thing to do and i won't be a part of it."

Don’t apologize. You wouldn’t have had to step into their relationship if he hadn’t been acting an ass in front of everyone, making EVERYONE uncomfortable. Not only was he being a jerk to his gf, he was being rude to everyone else.

You absolutely did the right thing, and I am glad you stood up to your friend.
Also, just because you didn’t see him abusing his former partners doesn’t mean he wasn’t doing it. Abusers use their partners’ vulnerabilities to gain power and control over them. He may have realized that public humiliation presses some powerful shame buttons for his current girlfriend, which is probably why he is acting this way in front if you. In his previous relationships he may have been more covert so he could present himself as a “nice guy” who is patient and understanding to his partners (and consequently could never be accused of being abusive). In this one, the power he will gain over his girlfriend from berating her so publicly probably outweighs the consequences of exposing his behavior to you, especially since he likely believes himself to be such a master manipulator that he can convince you that either a) there is a good reason/excuse for his behavior (drunk, tired, long day, etc. causing him to act out of character) or b) that she is actually the one who is in the wrong and quite frankly deserved a good dressing-down that night (but of course he forgives you for misunderstanding the situation - how could you have known how crazy she is?!). Don’t believe him. For more on these relationship dynamics and the effed-up mindsets of abusers, check out “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. He explains it better than I can but this really sounds like a classic case based on the info you’ve provided...

Exactly. Abusers escalate. They don't go from being a great guy to suddenly abusing one particular person out in public. As they get more comfortable with one level of abuse, they rise to the next. Just because OP didn't see him abuse his previous girlfriends, it doesn't mean he didn't. It more than likely means he's escalated so now he's more comfortable not only doing it behind closed doors.

You did the right thing. It sounds like he bullies and speaks to her in a belittling way and if he does it in front of others it's probably just as bad or worse when they're alone. Also his girlfriend may have had a hard time standing up for herself because if you go at someone in public they can be made out to be the problem if they defend themselves. I think it is really important to show that kind of behaviour isn't okay because most abuse and bullying gets a pass because people are scared to get involved or respect their privacy without realising bullies depend on this kind of tacit support for their behaviour. I'm not sure if you'll be able to make the other friends understand but maybe reach out to the girlfriend and say something like I just want you to know that bullying isn't okay and if you need someone to talk to let know because what I saw worried me. And you're right often people don't stand up for themselves if they're in an abusive relationship or being bullied because they are worried they won't be believed and their bully has worn them down to feeling everything they do is wrong

You did the right thing. She may have been afraid to stand up for herself lest he take it out on her later for "making a fool of him" in front of his friends. By you standing up for her, you ended the abusive tirade while keeping his wrath off her. What you see in public is often much worse in private.

You may want to check in with her, or arrange someone else to check in with her, in case she needs help leaving him.

When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, the lines between right and wrong, black and white become blurred. His behavior is completely inappropriate, almost abusive but she probably cannot see that from how often it happens and the subtle way that behavior escalates over time.

The group remaining silent during his berating of her reinforces to her that his behavior is acceptable but you standing up like you did will hopefully let her see the type of person she is with.

I absolutely think you did the right thing. Your friend sounds like he’s got some unaddressed anger issues, I’d be very weary of a friend like that.

Okay as a grown ass woman with a husband, if he repeatedly berated me in public and I didn’t feel comfortable responding.. I think I would hope someone like you was sitting at the table. Who cares what your friends are saying? You’re a human who recognized unfavorable human behavior that was borderline abuse and made a voice for someone who wasn’t comfortable doing it themselves. Had you butted into something less confrontational and more personal, sure, maybe not entirely your business. Based on your recall of events that night though, you were entirely in the right calling him out and hopefully helping embarrass him and as a woman, I thank you.

You definitely did the right thing and seems like you weren't the only one who was trying to calm him down so that's good

Your friend needs some counseling for his anger problems. It's good you called him out. One, no part of what she did was reason to get as mad as he was, two, that's not how you handle your anger over any situation, three, you don't talk to your girlfriend or any adult like that, and four, he was being dismissive of the other girl telling him to relax. Dude's got issues and he's lucky it hasn't pushed anyone away

Your other friends need to be better people. Ignoring your friend's problem doesn't make you a good friend, it makes you an enabler. It's absolutely not okay to be a bystander to abuse and it's even worse to encourage others to disregard it.

You defended her and let her know it wasn't okay and that will make her realize that she shouldn't have to put up with that behavior. This is one of the best things you could've done for her

You absolutely did do the right thing, OP. Your other friends are cowards who don't want to rock the boat and are willing to overlook abusive behaviour but funnily enough are very quick to speak up when someone holds an abuser accountable. Your friends are the old status quo while you're the man the world needs more of.

What you did is totally okay and doesn't need apologizing for. In fact what you did was what every single other person at that table should have done.

There is a tv ad campaign ongoing here in Australia that speaks exactly about what you did. Look it up and show your mates. It talks about showing women respect, stopping violence early, speaking up when your mate is bad mouthing someone. Uncomfortable watching but worth a look.

I wish more people would stand up and do what you did, it is very brave and confronting and difficult to do. If more people did it people like him would realise its not on. I had an incident at work a few years ago where a college abused me within hearing to another person and it was explicit and nasty and involved what he would do to me next time he got me on my own. For context I worked in an underground mine on a fly in-fly out roster and generally worked alone and one of not many females and this was 2 men. Next time I saw the other man a couple of weeks later he apologised for what his mate had said, but that apology was useless to me and what would have been much more useful was if he told him to knock it off at the time. The other bloke would have then at bare minimum not behaved like that in front of him again and if enough people had said similar things maybe his mindset would change. But in staying quiet he just reinforced that it was okay and he agreed with him.

So please men (and women) call out your mates when they are behaving badly. It's not okay to bad mouth your significant other (or anybody for that matter) either in their presence or when they are not there. Stop the cycle that leads to abuse.

Hello, yes, I want to say that you are actually an angel and the kind of person I always hope exists out there. Fuck that guy for acting like an immature child and lying about you and treating his girl like shit. But as someone who would have loved to have a you if I were in that situation, thank you and you’re great.

Sounds like your friends are trying to justify their weakness. People doing the right thing can make other people feel attacked, weirdly enough, because in a way you're saying you were the only one who did the right thing. Call it guilt or jealousy or ego protection, doesn't matter. You've seen most of the comments here and I think you did the right thing as well. Never apologize for standing up for yourself or someone else, especially if you did it politely as you claim to.

You know what? When I was in my 20's I was in an abusive relationship, and stayed in it much longer than I should have. In my defense, the men I was raised around were not abusive, and it took quite a while for me to truly understand that when my SO hurt me, he intended to hurt me. It wasn't an accident or a moment.

One day we were in a restaurant waiting for our lunch, and we were doing the constant low-level bickering, where he constantly put me down, and I constantly tried to defend myself.

At some point he just reached across the table and knocked my full glass of ice water on my lap. The waitress came over, helped mop up, and he said, "oh, it was just an accident," and bless her heart, she looked him straight in the eye and said, "No it wasn't, I watched you reach across and knock the glass over."

I was mortified, and then she looked at me and said "And you shouldn't be sitting there taking it."

Talk about a wake-up call. Decades later, and I still remember that young woman speaking up for me and to me. None of our friends group did that.

And yes, I did leave him, after a year of therapy.

My point is, that girl is in at least a verbally-abusive relationship, if it isn't already physically abusive as well. You stood up for her. It might not be her breaking point yet, but she needed to be reminded that the abuse is not normal.

I can’t tell you how much I needed someone like you when I was in an abusive relationship. One night were at my exs friends house will all his buddies and all of a sudden my ex pulled the chair out from underneath me and I fell down. No one said a word. Then later he shoved me against a wall and started yelling at me for getting other men’s attention or flirting with them. I was so horrified I went in the bathroom and shut the door and cried with the lights off the rest of the night. There’s no way his friends didn’t hear me sobbing or notice where I was. I kept hoping someone would rescue me or stick up for me but sadly no one said anything or stood up for me. Can you imagine what that does to someone’s self worth? You without a doubt did the right thing in that situation and I can’t believe you would question it or think to apologize for it.

The next day I had a couple of friends telling me that I should have just stayed out of it and that his girlfriend is a grown adult who can handle her own shit. I agree with the second part, but the thing is she wasn’t really handling it all that well in that one situation. And it’s not so much about being a grown adult. There are lots of adults out there who don’t know how to react when someone, particularly their SO, is shouting at them in front of people over nothing. That doesn’t make them any less of an adult.

So...much...this.

I learned to stand up for myself at an early age. The TL;DR - being a smart, gawky girl means you get picked on. Except the people doing the picking didn't realize I have a naturally bad temper that frequently expresses itself as kicking the shit out of something...and shins would do nicely when backed into a corner. Later on as a twenty-something, I just turned it into analytical yet precise verbal skewerings, the type that have made large, hulking men cry. Because I don't put up with their insecure bullshit, and I will go for a full-on emotional exsanguination if they push too hard.

Over the years, I also found myself stepping in in classrooms and the workplace to defend other young women. Ones who you could see were getting ripped to shreds and embarrassed beyond reason, because some guy thought it was okay to do. If the other men in the room weren't going to step in, then I was going to.

There are times you might find yourself yelling at your significant other in public. Shit like finding out you were cheated on or they just told you they lost all your savings gambling - sure, knock yourself out. But spilling a little water on yourself and being late feeding the meter? Not acceptable.

You did the right thing. Your friends are too complacent, and your one particular friend has issues. Because not only does he think it's appropriate to humiliate his girlfriend in front of everyone, he is lying about you to the rest of the group now. Why on earth would you protect and reinforce that behaviour?

More men need to be willing to confront other men over treatment of women. It has to become socially unacceptable or the cycle of violence toward women will never stop. Your friends are cowards and idiots for telling you to stay out of it. Never, ever be a bystander.

Bear in mind their age gap. It looks like he's abusing a power imbalance (not a huge one, but it's there) and/or he's dating down in age for a reason.

You did the right thing. You did it in the right thing. I wish you were in my friend group when I was younger.

Your friend group, however? Between the boyfriend who tears down his girlfriend in front of everyone and the enablers who don't want you to rock the boat so that he can abuse his girlfriend without consequence, you should seriously reconsider the company you keep.

For the record, no amount of his girlfriend's behavior would justify his. Either she's so terrible she turns him into a monster, in which case, he should break up with her, or maybe she's a bit immature...in which case, he should date people his own goddamned age. What he was doing was abusive. He could have also been retraumatizing any other women (or men) in the vicinity who'd been through abuse themselves. A lot of women become frightened when men raise their voices, even men they otherwise trust and feel safe around, it can be really terrifying because of how we're socialized and what we go through.

What you did was right. This was probably the tip of the iceberg. The fact she didn't respond is probably because he got her mentally over powered. And I wouldn't be surprised she get some physical attacks as well. Some people try to bring their partner down so they can have total controle over them, isolation them from friend and family is also part of their tactics. The other person gets that way a very low self image and even gets in a status, that they have to be grateful that the other partner (the agressive one) is willing to live with them. So coming up for her is definitely a good thing, but I think it's advisable to followup this situation as close as possible , because there could be more under the radar.

You did everyone a favor, the likelihood he does it again is much lower. She should probably dump him though, if someone is willing to treat you like that in public just imagine what it’s like in private ::shudder::

Silence is collusion in a situation like this. The behavior your friend exhibited is at best emotionally abusive and bullying.
If more friends and neighbors called this behavior out the social climate of abuse and disrespect might start to change.
What you did was exactly how we hope our kids on the playground will support each other in treating their peers respectfully. It has to start somewhere.
Great job! Don’t second guess yourself for another minute. Stand by your gut reaction and response. It was right on!

I was that girl whose partner would yell at me in front of everyone and it kind of made him realise what he was doing was wrong. His friends stood up for me and I’m still touched to this day.. So thank you on behalf of us! I’m sure she’s internally grateful.

There are a lot of responses, so you might not read this. And maybe some body has already said it; I think it's important enough to repeat. Also I'm not gonna look through all the comments haha.

But, in her situation, she probably doesn't know what's normal. Maybe she questions what he does but thinks it's mainly her fault, because obviously he tells her it is, and he probably has been saying that for a long time. When you stood up for her you showed her that his actions aren't normal. Aren't acceptable. Aren't ok. And maybe she didn't know that, maybe she still doesn't know. But at the very least you've planted a seed of doubt; she knows now that at least one other person doesn't side with him. I had a boyfriend who would use his friends' opinions in fights, they always sided with him. So I thought, yeah, there must be something terribly wrong with me. I must truly be a terrible person, for all these people to disagree with me. And you know, sometimes I still wonder that. I'm not with him anymore but I still question myself. You did a good thing. She knows that somebody's on her side.

Thank you for standing up for what is right even though your immediate “friends” think it’s “wrong”.

Let me tell you that it’s not wrong and it may feel like nothing coming from a stranger when you’re surrounded by people telling you otherwise but to be truthful, it sounds like you need a whole new group of friends if they don’t stand beside you for when you’re right in taking a stance on injustice!

it’s hard to see this when all you’re surrounded by people like what you described who are telling you that YOU are in the wrong WHEN YOU ARE NOT!!!

Believe me, I ditched ALL of my friends when I realised it was all of them that had really bad morals/standards and made new great friends who help me improve myself. It was so hard making this decision but it felt so right in my heart to be alone and find new people then to stay with people who I had a history with. I’m more confident if what I believe in for myself and believing what is actually right for others. I no longer stay silent and stand up to other people when I know they are in the wrong and it’s rejuvenating and empowering. I hope this helps you!

Edit: Because silence is only support for this type of behaviour and what you did OP was the complete opposite. As a female, I honestly really thank you and it’s so strange but knowing if you ever have daughters in the future, they would be in good hands.

You did the best possible thing. Everyone else keeping shut is the reason these things keep happening in the first place. What kind of people are they, ignoring obvious abuse happening in front if them?

What does he do at home if he's crossing the line so much in public...

Nah you did good bro. Some people need to be called out and you did it in a really respectful way by pulling him aside and saying it to him directly. Sounds like he's being a baby and told everyone in the group about it after you left. I don't know if I could continue being friends with a loser like that.

You did the right thing keep it up. You seem spot on in your thinking. It's not about standing up for her it's about how your friend is acting. It's unacceptable treat another human that way regardless of relationship and you were right to not allow it

Don't apologize for shit. Someone needed to put him in his place. It's inappropriate to yell at your girlfriend like shes a child, and he was probably making everyone else feel awkward. He sounds like the kind of guy who beats his girlfriend when no one is around. You did a good thing.

I can't tell you how important and kind a thing you have done. That another man called it out is even better - sometimes, an abusive man will only really listen to other men rather than a woman, and you've forced him to reassess himself. It's such an important and empathetic action, and your friends are entirely in the wrong here.

since his behavior was effecting the whole group it definitely was your business. everyone deserves to be able to hangout with their friends at the pub stress free and without unnecessary drama. he was violating that space both for you, his gf and everyone else at the pub.

You shouldn't apologize. If anything, what you should do is talk privatly with your friend about this situation. Ask him why he treats her like this and if te relationship is ok. If I were you I'd approach him open to hear his side so he doesnt get deffensive, but id also try to show him this isnt ok.

if he got that upset over her not even getting her car towed, imagine what he’d be like if it did get towed. He needs to learn to manager his anger.

Thank you for sticking up for what was right. In these situations, “staying out of it” isn’t correct. He sounds like the type of guy who gets way too angry and ruins a nice fun night out, He sounds like the type who’s anger controls everyone else’s time. These people need help, and it’s easy in your case to walk away since you’re not directly related.

However, a friend can recognize when his buddy isn’t in good mental spirits. I’m not sure this one instance it’s something worth intervening, but if it continues, emotional and verbal abuse are a real thing, and it can mess with women and also friends to him. Stand tall with your feet firmly planted on the ground and always stand up for what is right.

Personally, I’m fucking sick of walking on eggshells for other’s wellbeing, they don’t appreciate it either way. They will blow up whenever they want, in my personal experience. It’s important to remember all these sorts of diagnosis and terms aren’t just a stick you can slap onto a man and claim he is “abusive” he is most likely suffering from deeply rooted issues in his brain. He also may only get Ike this when he drinks. There’s tons of factors and variables to these sorts of things, and you always want to remember, sticking up for what is right, is important, but also be safe in doing so. Read every situation carefully.

In the heat of things, people who normally don’t get physically abusive might impulsively do something dangerous. No one wants to get hurt. Please be safe buddy, and thank you again for sticking up for what was the right thing to do. It sounds like you came at him in a non-confrontational way and he may have heard you and re-evaluated his behavior. I hope this was the case, and that in the future he will remain more calm with small problems such as parking meters.

But it wasn’t just between them, it was affecting everyone at the table. I think what you said was spot on. What kind of people would be ok with sitting there while this is happening at their table? Good for you for saying something!

I've been in this relationship. My ex would start yelling at me in public over the stupidest things. And if I dared say anything or react, there would be another fight once we got home about how I "made a scene". He wore me down for a long time. So much in fact, that I thought I was losing my mind for thinking I wasn't in the wrong, especially since no one stood up for me when he did that.

I felt like I was worthless, and that made me stay in an abusive relationship longer. Had someone stood up for me, it would have reminded me that 1) despite his insistence that I did everything wrong, I didn't do everything wrong, and 2) that I did deserve better.

I'd be really concerned that the friends who told you to butt out lack empathy. I think you did the right thing.

The first thing I want to say is thank you. My mother was married to an awfully abusive man and anyone who is willing to stand up for someone in that situation may have no idea what that means for that girl.

Second, even if she’s an adult and can make her own decisions, we don’t leave people dangling on cliffs. If we can help, even if they may be super buff and could easily pull themselves up, we should. If you see someone being mugged and beaten up, you do what you can, even if it’s just calling the authorities and getting yourself the heck out of Dodge.

The people messaging you saying “You shouldn’t have gotten involved” may be the ones who are most guilty about not speaking up and are reacting in the only way they know; superiority. People are stubborn and prideful and will never admit defeat, and they don’t like their misdeeds being rubbed in their own faces. I say work on having and being a better friend who sticks up for their friends and tell each other when they’re being assholes without all this drama.

You were witnesing abuse. Abuse takes many forms, not only physical. I think it is their relationship and they have to sort it out. TBH the girl should just leave him. Now, I wouldn’t necessarily talk to him, but I would let him know I feel unconfortable.

I think I would just stand up and tell him that I don’t feel comfortable with the way he treats his GF, which is Psychological Abuse and that I am not going to stay seeing that. I would pay my things and leave the place.

I think you did the right thing by standing up and not taking this for granted just because he is your friend. People you know tell you things you like to hear, true friends tell you those things no one would dare to tell you. If anything you acted much more like a real friend than any other person there.

If he did that in a private setting then yeah I guess I could see why you should have "stayed out of it." But, HE was the one who chose to make that situation public. He involved you the moment he embarrassed her in front of all of you and you responded. I don't see the issue here.

I don't have any advice but I just want to extend my thanks. Honestly everyone else not saying anything probably normalizes this behaviour for her, so thank you. Victims of toxic relationships generally don't understand that they're even in one until someone ''pops the bubble'' for them, and that could've been you. Props.

Maybe the reason she didn't stand up for herself is because she was already really embarrassed and humiliated and didn't want to draw even more attention to herself. Or maybe she thought it would become an argument and it would make everyone more uncomfortable. Or she's afraid you'd all think she was being dramatic or making the situation a big deal for you guys and didn't want to become "the crazy girlfriend".
That's how it was for me with an ex, at least.
Thank you for saying something. If one of my ex's friends had done that for me, I might have done it too, instead of thinking that I needed to just allow it in front of them because I assumed they were feeling and thinking the same as ex did.

Sometimes when you take a stand you stand alone in the process, you just have to keep confidence in your choices to be a voice of reason. Him dragging her like that in public is rude, doing it in private is toxic as well so hopefully he smartens up and stops acting like that.

There's literally an advert on Australian tv advocating for guys to stand up against their guy friends if the guy friend is a jerk to the girlfriend. The advert is part of a government funded campaign against domestic violence

What you did was right, I would of done the same thing... in fact I did stand up to my buddy who is bigger and stronger then me, when he and his wife got into a heated argument and my buddy slapped her and I just threw myself in between both of them facing my buddy telling him stop! I didn’t know what I was thinking, all I knew, was I could not let him beat her up in public, he looked at me with raging eyes and grabbed me by my neck! Held me up against the SUV and said FUCK!! And I just said it’s better you beat me up then her! Lol while I am choking he looked at me and calmed down... in my mind at that time I was like Holy crap what did I just do... but everything stopped after that, Thank God
But we are still good friends and his ways have changed for the better and he is still with her. If you feel that you are right and something has to be said or done, do it only if you truly feel that it’s the right thing to do... Just do it

As someone who was yelled at, belittled, shoved, and reidculed in front of an ex- boyfriend's SHITTY FRIENDS, I say thank you. One of his closest friends asked him "wow, are you intentionally trying to make her sad and angry?" he actually made him leave the apartment. Afterward, he apologized for not saying something sooner. I broke up with that guy a few months later. Despite that his happened over 10 years ago, I still remember when he stood up for me.

I spent 10 years with a monster that abused me to the point that I had given up and was living every day like I was just waiting to die. Everyone had to have known. You don't keep getting injured or sick and in the hospital for no reason. You see padlocks on the oversized walk in closet where I generally hang out and if you don't think "something doesn't look right" then something is wrong with you. No one ever said anything. No one helped. It took me simply hearing that a friend needed a roommate in another state for me to run. Had someone spoken up, I might have left sooner. From 20 years old to 30. All lost.

Do NOT apologize for it. You are 100% right. In fact, if I was you, I’d probably distance myself slowly from him. It’s one thing to lose your shit once and apologize to your partner but this shit sounds like complete verbal abuse and that poor fucking chick has no damn clue what it’s doing to her.

Who your friends are say a lot about who you are and if you’re willing to associate yourself with that douche hole you should evaluate what you value in him as a friend.

This is a society where we are taught that if it doesn’t directly affect us don’t get involved. That’s why people are so apathetic. They don’t care because no one else wants to be the person to stand up and say “this behavior is wrong.” “This is abusive.” Because that shit takes guts and it might make you unpopular.

It’s entirely possible that she takes his shit because she wants to it because she doesn’t know how to defend herself either way your actions meant something .

Do not be apathetic. Be a god damn human being and speak. Thank you for feeling and doing what you did OP.

I was her once, my emotionally abusive ex would berate me for little shit like that in front of his friends. The spilling water hit home for me because I would get yelled at for little things like that, and despite the relationship having ended four years ago I still have anxiety when I spill something and expect someone to act like your friend had.

I wish someone had done what you did for for when I was in that situation. Don’t not “get in the middle”. It obviously needs intervention and she’s probably groomed to the point where she just takes his abuse.

Regarding why your friends stayed out of it, I saw an interesting video regarding some politics about why people get defensive or threatened when they encounter a view they didn't consider or want to consider. You defending that woman makes them question 'Should I have done that too? Was I in the wrong? Was I just enabling abuse?' For many, it's easier to take that inner reaction as an attack on them rather than you just doing what you thought was right on your own. Basically, you standing up to him made your friends feel guilty so they reacted in a way to justify their own inaction. Instead of 'I enabled abuse', it's 'I'm not nosy' or 'I don't get involved in drama' and they feel the need to tell you that to alleviate their own discomfort.

Anyway, you did the right thing. And it's not like you're following them home to play hero or anything, so I wouldn't worry about it.

You don’t need to apologize for anything. I remember the first time my ex boyfriend ever laid his hands on me, it was literally right in front of our friend. He was in a bad mood and our friend and I were cracking jokes and my ex just got mad and grabbed my throat and choked me. Our friend never said a word.

Please know that some people are too afraid to speak up for themselves and it’s a good thing you stood up to him. Those friends who say to stay out of it aren’t good people if they sit idly by while their “friend” is being ugly to another human being. Fuck that. You’re a good person, and I wish I had a friend like you when I needed one.

No. Dont ever apologized for doing what is right even if it's not the popular point of view. Sure some believe that whole "it's their relationship" and that is bullshit. That demeaning behavior is verbal abuse. No one deserves that. If this guy can't manage to hold his temper for a meal out with friends where one would typically be on their beat behavior then he has a problem!

You were the only one brave enough to stand up. I wish someone had done the same for me. I had an abusive boyfriend at one point in time and his friends and family literally stood by and let him. They enabled him as well. Kept getting him drunk and harder to manage.

Please talk to your friends, explain to them how important it is to be a real friend to both of them, by standing up for her, which may in turn help her stand up for herself. And by standing up to him, which may make him realise his actions are not ok.

They also need to understand by not saying/doing anything they are condoning his actions and her inaction, and as friends they should always step up for the sake of others.

You sound like an amazing person and friend. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. If someone is being an asshole, you have every right to tell them so, especially in the seemingly calm, respectful way that you communicated the message. I would even say that telling you're friends when they're being a jerk is a good friend move. This may not be a popular opinion, but social pressure is an influential driver to good behavior in society. This guy needs to be paid to be better. Maybe you stopped this one incident or relationship from escalating to a more dangerous point. Or, maybe, you standing up against him will help him to, sooner or later, reflect deeply on his actions and how he treats his partners and make the changes he needs to make to be a better partner. (Hopefully to a future partner though, 'cause this girl needs to dump his ass.)

You did the right thing. I was that girl for four years and no one ever told him what he was doing was wrong. He hit me in the face in a full bus and no one stepped in - and by then I was too scared to stand up for myself. Don’t feel bad because you’re the only one brave enough to get involved, I could have used a friend like you.

I think you were right to say something because you felt uncomfortable. He should have some respect for the others at the table. He Has no rights to create an uncomfortable environment for everyone else simply because he couldn’t control his anger.

And I could see why you felt the need to stick up for the girlfriend. I hate when people verbally abuse those who can’t stick up for themselves. For example the waiter. However, She was more than capable of sticking up for herself. if she didn’t feel that it was worth it to say something on her own behalf then I could see why the others would feel it’s really not your place either. But you were in the right because he was also disrespecting you and he needed to be in check. This goes beyond just defending his girlfriend

You are amazing for standing up to him. Don't let anyone make you doubt that you did the right thing. You did what no one else there had the courage to do. I've been in your shoes before in a way--I've been that girl's friend and, after watching him tear her down in front of all of our mutual friends for ages (and make no mistake about it, ALL of us hated him) I finally let loose during one of his monologues and ripped him a new one. I did it knowing that there was a very real chance that she might cut me out of her life (I was happy though that she did not) and that it would be awkward and uncomfortable. But guess what? For the first time others backed me up in front of both of them and we all set in on the d-bag. No, he doesn't talk to any of us anymore. But she does and she actually thanked me afterwards for caring enough about her to defend her. Sadly they're still in a relationship, but at least he knows now that not everyone will sit quietly by as he degrades her. And at least she knows people are on her side if she ever decides to leave him.

You did the RIGHT THING. You set an example that others should follow. It sucks that they didn't (at least not publicly), but maybe others present will learn something from that--and maybe the reason your friend felt compelled to add more to the story is because he realized he was being a d-bag and felt insecure about it. As he should. I'm sorry that you're going through a somewhat awkward situation, but don't doubt that you did the right thing. You never know how bad that stuff can get behind closed doors, even if you've known the guy for a while and it seems very out of character. That could have been his true colors finally shining through. You never know.

Your friends sound like cowards. Instead of doing the responsible and justified thing, they would rather face the second hand embarrassment of having their belligerent friend take out his abusive aggressions on his partner. What's even more disgusting is that they're trying to talk you out of delivering justice because of their own peer pressures applied by him.

But not you. You stood up when they wouldn't. You are an inspiration. And I'll bet you inspired some courage into that girl. Well done.

You did the right thing. Your friends who told you she could handle it are people who simply don't want to see a problem. She can't handle it right now. But you showing her she is worth it may give her some tools.

Good for you! And thank you for being someone who will stand up to douchebags like your friend who yells at his girl! However, I do think SHE should stand up for herself, I still think YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Standing idly by displays CONSENT. Don’t ever be the guy who is okay to watch a man yell at his girl!

Thank you for standing up for that woman. From experience, I can tell you how embarassing it can be if someone berates you in public like that. Really, how should she have reacted in that situation? "Handled her own shit" by yelling back at him and escalating the situation, making it worse for everyone? He was out of line, and it seems like you were respectful in asking him to tone it down. He could have also waited to talk to her at home if her mistake was such a big deal to him that he couldn't let it go instead of humiliating her in a public space. You don't need to apologize for anything.

You apologize when you've done something wrong. I don't think you did anything wrong as the situation was played out when you were all hanging out, meaning the situation and yelling involved you even if it's just a relationship between them two.

I didn’t even have to read the entire thing to know immediately that you did the right thing. This guy is abusive and if he treats her this way in front of others, it’s even worse behind closed doors. Putting her down, making her feel stupid or not worthy, humiliating her...I feel for this girl. I’ve been this girl and wished someone would have said something. Thank you for stepping in and telling him he was wrong. People should step in more often. I’m sorry your friends don’t see it the same way.

Edit: I read more of your post. If he was never like this with other girlfriends before, you may want to talk to him (depending on how good of friends you are) to check in and see if everything is okay. He may be stressed at work, she might be an asshole to him too, who knows. But, I agree that it’s not cool to humiliate someone or yell at them like that and I still think it was the right thing to say something.

I don't think this answer can come from anyone but you. You are in control and you have to be the person who takes care of yourself. Obviously the way you think made it so you felt uncomfortable. Me personally I would of said something out loud and in front of the friends group. Polite and to the point. If someone has a problem with me not being okay with a guy verbally abusing someone, they can fuck the right off.

Don't apologise, fuck him. If he does it again, do the same thing, you're completely fine dude. It sounds like you're overthinking a lot, which I can relate to.

But you did nothing wrong. If you know in your heart that your the one in the right, then you don't need to say anything. Your friends seem stupid. Fucking oath step in if he's making a fool of himself and his partner. Because me personally, I wouldn't be the type of person who would let my friends (drunk or not)put down their Partner and disrespect not just themselves but everyone else to. You know what's acceptable and what's not, and if your "friends" think you're wrong, then you can explain to them what really happened. And if they don't accept what your saying, then it sounds like you need new friends.

Thank you for saying something. Keeping quiet normalizes this type of abusive behavior. When a SO berates and belittles their partner, it becomes hard to differentiate between normal relationship conflict and abuse (for the partner). The GF probably can't see the relationship clearly. Hopefully this event can be a wake up call for both the BF and GF or at least a small stepping stone on the path to a better future, whether that be the GF leaving the relationship and/or the BF realizing and working through his emotionally abusive actions.

You did the right thing. Maybe you let the gf know you’re there for her if she needs any help? Like you said, you don’t know what happens in private. But maybe don’t do it in front of the bf, just in case.

I had an ex like that, always yelled at me for the smallest thing, telling me to shut up, just really disrespectful. No one stood up for me, and it made me feel like shit. It took years before I left. Only afterward did anyone say they hadn't liked him, but they never said anything at the time, and I wish they had.

I hope you standing up to him gives her the strength to stand up for herself.

Don’t apologize! Thank you for being a caring human being and telling this guy that that shit isn’t cool. Some people need a serious calling out. He probably feels as though it’s easy to bully her. Hopefully she will get out of that situation. Again, thank you for standing up to him. The other friends could use a lesson from you. Standing by and letting things like this happen because people don’t want to feel uncomfortable is a bunch of crap.

You did the right thing in pulling your friend aside, and all your other friends who think you should "stay out" of an obviously abusive situation are pretty dumb imo. If you know her well enough, I would give her a call and ask how she is doing.

Otherwise, I would give your friend a call and say that it really concerned you to see him treating his girlfriend like that and you are worried about them both.

If someone was doing that to my daughter, I would hope that someone like you would do exactly what you did. Thank you for having the courage to stand up to a mate in a very difficult situation. That's a tough thing to do.

Thank you for standing up to someone being bullied. Your friends are full of it. You did the right thing. She was upset and probably didn't want to argue in public so you went to bat for her and probably spared her more verbal abuse.

You were absolutely right! This is looking like an abusive relationship, and when you have one, it's hard to do something from the inside to break free.

In the US people say to stay out of this kind of thing, but this is just a culture people pass on. In Brazil if you see something wrong, you choose if you think you should step in or not. I would say that doing something is always the best choice.

Since you don't know the full story, it's hard to understand what's going on, but you did what you had to do. He was being a douche.

Like you, I generally stay out of other people's relationships and fights. It's not my place and not my business. But when he is making everyone uncomfortable and causing a scene, I think you are completely in the right to stand up for yourself and your values and say, knock it off. If I had a friend like that, I wouldn't ever want to hang with him.

Nothing wrong with that at all. The moment someone starts acting like that in public it becomes your business because it’s your reputation. I certainly wouldn’t want to be out with someone who’s yelling at their S/O over everything.

If it was in a private setting you could have left, but you’re well within your right to tell your friend to stop, if for no other reason than the fact it’s embarrassing.

Don't apologize. If anyone, he has to apologize. Was he drunk? That explains a lot.

Try figuring out what’s going on with him? Or should I leave it alone?

Stay out of it, leave it alone. Thát would create a problem. You said what you had to say, and you solved the problem then and there. The situation was resolved, and for you the problem was gone. So leave it there. Now of course everyone is wondering what he'll do next, if this becomes another problem between you and him. You don't know. Maybe he'll turn around. This may be difficult, but you have to see this as a single instance of one problem, and it is closed for you.

I really didn’t mean to create problems in the group.

You didn't. He did. If the group doesn't understand it, or if they stay down, it probably means this has happened before, and they are not going to fight him. You've met him four times. That's not enough to get the real picture. So you may be up for trouble with this guy. If so, don't blame yourself. Then see how the group reacts. If they let him go, then you can let the group go.

It wasn’t really even about her. It was him.

He made a big problem out of nothing, so he created the problem. Why does he need this attention? Why does he need to put her down? Don't investigate, just observate, and over time you'll see if this was a one time stupid thing or if he's the stupid thing.

You did the right thing. And I’d be willing to bet this is only the tip of the iceberg and that worse happens behind closed doors.

I have been in a relationship like that before. Our mutual friends would be shocked if they knew (they still don’t). He didn’t treat anyone else like that. In general, he’s a great guy. He didn’t act like that to co-workers, our friends, ANYONE but me. I am not, by any means, a shrinking violet. One of the things that kept BOTH OF US in the cycle was the shame. I told no one, standing up to him was too scary (I learned to appease him when he was angry), and he didn’t have to confront his behavior. In his eyes, I was the one at fault because I was “too sensitive” or “too emotional” or “too demanding,” or, my favorite, I was “trying to control him.” I began to believe that, and that, too, kept me in the closet.

If it happens again, I would be tempted to turn to her, and ask her if he always treats her like that, and tell her you are sorry, and that he shouldn’t be speaking to her that way. If you really want to help, ask if he does this in private, and ask if he has ever hit her or made her feel threatened. What you did was let her know THIS IS NOT OKAY. Yes, she will have to figure this out herself, but she needs to see that others see it, too, and IT’S NOT HER. Standing up to him yourself helps her re-frame this so she is much more likely to stand up to him and get help or get out.

Want to hear some good news? That man I am speaking of got help. He agreed to go to therapy (primarily because he thought I was the one that needed the help), actually participated in the process, admitted that he had an anger management problem, and then went on to do work on himself, by himself, for himself. IT STOPPED. He genuinely was appalled by his own behavior as he had to admit it to the therapist. He dug deep and dealt with the control issues that he had from his own overbearing mother and his repressed anger at her. As he puts it, he has been “rage free” for several years now. He did the work. He learned that his anger is HIS and he needs to deal with it. He learned that I was not trying to control him, that it wasn’t ME, it was his childhood anger and resentment talking. He learned healthy communication tools. He is genuinely a changed man. He has repeatedly apologized to me for that period of time. As for me, I learned that my compassion, kindness and empathy should take a back seat to my enforcement of healthy boundaries. I can’t help anyone else until I help myself. I also learned that shame can keep us in interpersonal prison, and I will never let that happen again. I will call it out, and drag that darkness out of the closet into the light. I will never again be a prisoner to my own shame.

So yes, you did the right thing. The wrong thing would be to stand around and act like this behavior is normal and okay. It’s not. Call it out, just as you’d call out a bully on the street picking on someone half his size.

People are different, I'm fairly opinionated and not afraid to be that way so I would have said something too. Others aren't so they stay out of things. Sounds like your friends are just different. It's not bad but I don't blame you and neither should they.

You can go to sleep knowing you stopped the situation. Your concious is clear. Your friends were willing to sit there and let it continue. They must rethink their life choices before they give you life advice.

Don’t apologise, you absolutely did the right thing and even had the grace not to make a scene about it publicly. No need to bother yourself with the opinions of those too scared to do something about it.

Verbal abuse. I wouldn’t tolerate it out of any of my friends. My relationship or not, this goes along the lines of watching how your date treats the waitress. You learn alot about people through their actions and treatment of others when they may not notice you looking. Would there be ANY reason for him to carry on like that in such a public setting and such a humiliating way? Your other friends are being cowards. Sad but true, but when you stand around watching the bully beat up the kid, you are enabling. And might as well be punching the kid yourself. I think you did the right thing. I think how you said it was perfectly appropriate for how he was making YOU, his gf, and the rest of the table feel. Sounds like you may not have lost much if he decides he can’t handle the truth.

You did the absolute right thing. It is extremely disappointing how often people stay out of situations that they should be inserting themselves into. Lord knows how he is behind closed doors. The gf needs assurance that that is not appropriate treatment and by you stepping in you helped that.

I for sure think you did the right thing. I wouldn't be comfortable standing by and watching someone treat their SO that way. The one thing that stuck out in my mind is that you said you don't know him super well and that your friends know him better. My only worry is that they know the scope of her abuse and that he could possibly be taking his anger towards you out on her in private.

please dont apologise to him, his behavior was disgusting & you did the right thing by pulling him up on it. sorry your friends are being shitcunts about it but hopefully your awesome example will rub off on them over time

He was making you uncomfortable as well. In a way, you stood up for your own time not being ruined. And ‘the group’ can fuck off, find some new mates. The world is full of people who’d welcome a standup kind of man like you into their midst. I certainly would!

I think you did well. I've been yelled at before in front of lots of people and no one ever stepped in for me. I think it's nice of you and also a reminder to him to keep his temper in check. Some women are able to defend themselves or stick up for themselves and others are a bit more frightened to do so. If he regularly yells at her over such small things she should leave him.

I used to be in a relationship with someone who was verbally and physically abusive. It was only afterwards some of his friends turned around to me and said that they saw how he treated me and knew what was going on and thought it was wrong. I wished they'd said something and stood up for me at the time because I felt so god damn alone, and nothing indicated to me that his behaviour was wrong so I just blamed myself. Thank you for having the bravery to stand up for this girl.

Honestly man, good on you for calling out your homie. Sometimes people do things that they don't necessarily take note of until they are told by another person. And you are right about the fact that you don't necessarily know the entire situation with their relationship as that is on them. It definitely does cause a tension not just between the couple but with all of your friends and it's definitely just a really toxic environment.

If I was her, and I was once, I would have been extremely grateful. I once had my exbfs friends put him in his place when he was going off on me over something stupid in front of them and it honestly just reminded me that no, this isn’t fucking normal, I’m not a shit person who deserves this, and even his friends think he’s wrong. Fuck that guy. You did good. If they have a problem with it maybe you should ask them why they’re ok with bullying and abusive behaviour.

Courage is doing what's right, even when others say it is wrong. I think what you did was right. I would have done it myself had I seen it. Your "friends" are cowards for not stepping in and telling him he needs to correct himself. Not to say your friend is evil per se, but there is a saying that all it takes for evil to persist is for good men to do nothing.

You seem to be facing exactly what she faced: You feel like you are right, but seeing that nobody seems to agree with you, you start wondering if you are the problem.

Your friends girlfriend probably felt like she didn't deserve to be treated like that (particularly if nothing happened), but since nobody seemed to agree with her, she did not feel she had the right to stand for herself. Similarly, when your friends tell you that you were wrong to interfere, you come here to ask if you were right for doing what you did.

Both cases show that even when we are right, we might not resist because we feel nobody in the group agrees with us. That is precisely why doing what you did was right. Even as adults, social rules are kind of blurry and it's hard to know if you are right or wrong if you get no feedback from others.

Yes, she is an adult, she can handle her own problems, but as an adult yourself you are also free to express your opinion.

I’m glad you said something! Maybe it’s even time you ask him to go grab a beer and you talk to him one on one about things. If someone acts like that publicly, imagine what he’s capable of behind closed doors. This DOES sound like an abusive relationship. Your other friends are wrong and weak for not saying something. I was in an abusive relationship. He lost his composure once in front of a friend and I still think about regularly how I wish that guy would have stood up for me, maybe I’d have left sooner? He kept quiet and I was already so beaten down emotionally that my train of thought at that time was like okay, so can’t be that wrong then if this outside person isn’t defending me, it isn’t as bad for me as it feels. In hindsight I obviously see how insanely classic abused person those thoughts were.

You were, at the least, standing up for yourself, as well. If his behavior was making you uncomfortable, he would not stop, and the behavior was uncalled for, then pull him aside to tell him to stop. You did not put yourself into their situation, he did, and he put all of you into their situation. By keeping his anger at her going, and presumably expecting all of you to remain silent about his behavior, he made all of you into accomplices in her abuse. Abusive people do this.

Thank you for standing up for her. It sounds like you handled it well. How he treated previous GFs is not necessarily a good predictor of current or future behavior.

The GF might need a friend in your group. You might be a good person for the job.

Good on you for standing up for her! If he continues to be upset, call him up and explain the situation now that things have cooled a bit. Maybe try and put him in her shoes... “you know, if she had berated you in front of all of us for something so simple, you probably would’ve felt pretty shitty.”

If he’s truly your friend, he should realize you were only stepping in to help, not anything more.

Also, your friends sound like enablers, as his behaviour at dinner sounds abusive.

that's exactly how my ex would talk to me, but he did it in private. he was unrelenting and i would cry. i was with him for two and a half years and this would happen fairly often. i wish i'd had the courage to stand up for myself better. i think you did the right thing. i'm sorry your friends can't see that.

I would give it a little time and then touch base. You can explain yourself again if need be. Honestly, I think you did the right thing. You've been witness to this before and not only is it humiliating for her, it's awkward for all of you.

Don’t apologize for calling out someone for verbally abusing their partner in public. People need to be called out on their unacceptable behavior because other people’s silence implies acceptance. Never accept or tolerate abuse.

Also don’t be friends with that guy and don’t be friends with the friends who are telling you to mind your own business. If he talks to her like that in public, imagine what he does in private.

As the wife of a man who has been verbally abusing me for 15 years, who I'm now on the brink of divorcing after years of abuse and mental health problems, thank you for standing up to this guy. He needs to know that what he's doing is not on.

This may be late to the game, but I don't think you did anything wrong. The way he was acting toward her was abusive, and if that's his behavior in public it makes you wonder what he's like at home... sure, maybe it wasn't "your place", but as you said in your post, some people don't know how to react in situations like this.

If he has a problem being called out by a friend, then what is your friendship for? I expect my friends to call me out on my bullshit, just as I would do for them. Good job for standing up for his gf.

You absolutely did the right thing, good on you. I think you handled it in the best way possible, taking him aside, being friendly but direct, trying to de-escalate the situation. Great job.

Many people would rather keep quiet and pretend things are okay rather than risking saying something. I think that's why they feel uncomfortable now, maybe they feel guilty that they didn't say anything. Maybe they would rather have buried their head in the sand and pretend he wasn't verbally abusing his girlfriend (and that's what it was, verbal abuse), rather than tackle the problem head on like you did.

And just because you never saw him do this with girlfriends before, doesn't mean he never did it. Just means he never let you see it.

Anyway thank you for speaking up, the world needs more men like you calling in other men when they act inappropriately.

I like how they said you should have stayed out of it because it's not your relationship. It might not be your relationship but hes bringing everyone into his relationship but being such a public douche bag.

You did the right thing. Remember, to sit in silence in the face of abuse is a sign of saying you allow it and it's okay. Good job for standing up.

I think you're totally in the right. I've also been in your situation before. Some of my other friends go the "it's none of our business" route, but I don't give a shit what anyone thinks is, or is not, my business. I will not allow anyone to publicly berate someone who doesn't deserve it for any reason.

All that shit he's doing is a power play on her. Every time he does that in public, and doesn't fight back, and other people don't retaliate, she is going to normalize it further. Not only that, but he is going to feel that his actions were correct. Your friend most likely looked confused because he felt that he was in the right, and you pulling him aside like that meant that he wasn't.

You did the right thingaroo, idgaf how they(couples) are in private because I have no say or control or immediate knowledge of it, but if theres some abusive stuff going down in front of my own eyes, then im gonna step up and at the very least say something. The person being abused (anything from just being yelled at for small things/used as a power trip to full on beating) almost certainly doesnt enjoy it, and sometimes no one saying anything, says to YOU(victim) that its okay and you shouldn't feel bad about it, rather than its something not to be mentioned due to making people uncomfortable or social formalities. Now, just to play the devils advocate, bringing it up to him might've caused trouble when they got alone ("see what you made me look like? So and so had to say something to me because you were being stupid") or he might think she has been talking to you or has feelings/you do for her and that could cause shit. Some people have the mindset of "she can leave when she wants" and getting involved in others relationships fucking sucks in general,that might be where your friends are coming from

I definitely don't think you need to apologise, especially since it sounds like you tried to talk to him about his behavior in private so it's not like you embarrassed him in front of people the way he was doing with his girlfriend. I'm actually really proud of you and happy to know there are people like you out there sticking up for girls like me that have been in that exact situation before.
I do agree with your thought on maybe trying to figure out what's going on with your friend. Sometimes a friend can help in ways that an SO can't. Especially if he hasn't acted out towards others like this before, there more than likely is something eating at him that he's having trouble dealing with on his own.

OP, you stood up for what was right. You never owe anyone an apology for that. You have every right to feel proud, and if your friends try to give you any further grief, they’ve got a serious attitude adjustment needed. Or possibly you may need a more mature quality of friend.

I have a cousin whose wife treats him like dogs hit every time I’m around. I am going to use your direct quote word for word next time it happens. She is embarrassing him, herself and every one of us and it is awkward AF. Thanks for the inspiration! I don’t care if she hates me after that bc I can’t stand her anymore. Verbally abusive people are utterly selfish. As if they are so flipping perfect 🙄🤬😤. Nice job teaching this young woman it’s OK to stand up for herself!! 👏🏼 If he speaks to her like that then he doesn’t love her. Maybe talk to him privately and apologize for embarrassing him in front of the group. Work in that (inadvertently) embarrassing people on a group setting is wrong and NEITHER OF YOU should be doing it. Also tell him that If he can’t treat his woman right then maybe he should cut her loose. Would he want his daughter’s man to speak to her that way? GL

Your friends are pushovers. I was afraid this was going to be a white-knighting thing where you only called out the guy in a screaming match but this is different. As others said if he wanted people to stay out of it he shouldn't have yelled at her in public.

You did the right thing. Don't apologise. I grew up around this sort of thing and I wish someone did this for me. Just check in on her if you can. This is domestic abuse and everyone who cares about her should keep an eye on it

You did the right thing despite what your friends say what he's doing is a form of abuse. Don't let them make you think it was wrong, you stopped someone from being belittled and verbally abused big anything you're a good soul.

Tbh dude you did the right thing. Especially if you all were out as a friend group & she was the 'new one'/partner. It can be hard enough sticking up for yourself, let alone in front of your partner's friends.

He was acting way out of line & you called him out on it. If it had been a one-off snarky comment it would have been a bit shitty, but if he was berating her constantly in public that's everyone's business. Good for you man, I hope you continue making good decisions like this.

I think you did the right thing. I don't think you should have stayed out of it. People need to stick up for people who are being treated poorly. Like you said, it's about him, not her. His attitude was the problem. And sure she's a grown adult but sometimes adults need help too.

I don't know if this has been said before, but is it possible that you could reach out to this girl and talk to her about her situation? That guy seems rather abusive and that might help her out if he is.

2 weeks ago a girl died (in my country). Her partner killed her. Security cameras on their building caught her partner beating the shit out of her. The footage is insane and almost unbearable to watch. The neighbors said they could hear her cry and scream for help but no one stepped in because “it was not their business “. If someone had stepped in and done what you did, she could be alive today, so don’t beat yourself up and do not apologize to this monster, he got what he deserved and as someone said here, from the time he started shouting at her in public and make other people uncomfortable he made it a public business. People who are inside an abusive relationship don’t usually see or have the strength and understand what is happening with them, that it is wrong and shouldn’t be like this, so thank you for what you did. We need more people like you.

Yeah I used to have an ex that would verbally abuse me in public. It was sooo effective as a power play because no one would ever say anything. People who just look uncomfortable. It felt so wrong to me that the man I love would call me stupid and raise his voice at me, but everyone was acting like it was normal and I figured I probably deserved it. People made it normal for me by not saying anything and it sucked. You did the right thing. When you call your friends out for being assholes you’re giving them permission to be assholes

I have a couple of friends I no longer speak to. The male is very assertive and dominant. He's insecure about being extremely overweight, having no real life skills or training. His mom died and his dad left him, and so him and my ex-husband became the macho-man "dads" of the friend group.

His girlfriend is also overweight, but an absolute sweetheart. Her and I used to joke about leaving our men and being together since we were both the educated, working ones. Obviously her boyfriend didn't like these jokes.

He cheated on her, repeatedly, and constantly belittled her, often to the point of tears. It started our jokingly on my part "hey, you better be nice to her or we'll run off together!" and then one night when her and I were super trashed we talked about it and she basically said she was so insecure that she would never stand up to him, because if he left her she'd be alone.

They since moved two hours away for her job, bought a house they couldn't afford and are having a baby. She is completely isolated from all her friends and family now, but that was her choice.

Basically, people will leave and defend themselves when they're ready. It's nice to show support, but you can't open someone's eyes.

Can I just say, I’m really glad you did this and thanks for standing up for her. I’ve been in situation with a guy and his friends and he was horrible to me, I didn’t feel I could say anything without making a bigger scene because I didn’t know his friends and they were his friends not mine, so it’s really awkward! So thank you for standing up for her, it’s so uncomfortable being in that position and someone saying something would have meant the world to me. ❤️

People in a relationship tend to get stuck in routines, and this type of behaviour is a common one and hard to get out of. Thought it is obviously unacceptable for those of us who are not in it, it becomes so much of an habit for the couple that a. she doesnt know how to react (this is probably a behaviour that started escalating, the first time he probably just made a stern comment and so on, and she never knew when to stop him) and b. he thinks it's ok.

I think that having someone from outside the relationship, but at least close to one of them, interviening, shows both of them that this behaviour isnt normal

Fuck the "friends" who told you that you should have stayed out of it. They air their shit in public you comment all you want if you think you can help. Also, why are you hanging out with a 32 year old loser? There's a reason he doesn't have a girlfriend his age and gets upset like this in public.

I think you did the right thing. I was in an abusive relationship where I was often berated (mind you they made sure to hide to hide it from friends and family).

I would have given anything to have someone intervene. I think your friend was overreacting. People forget things, people sometimes spill water on themselves. It's not worth yelling at your partner for.

We all make simple mistakes in life. No one is perfect.

I think you probably actually stopped the situation from escalating any further because you stepped in. If you hadn't, he would have taken the groups silence as confirmation that he was right.

I remember watching a show one time and they had a guy yelling at his wife in public. They were actors, but hardly anyone intervened. I can't remember what the show was called, but it was really interesting to see.

So many times in our society people are just bystanders and they refuse to get involved. They feel it's the couples problem.

But it takes very little effort to ask the one party being yelled at if they are okay. Or standing up to a friend who is berating his gf. I think you did the right thing.

You did the right thing. You felt in your heart hat something was wrong and you addressed it like an adult. That took a huge amount of courage on your part. Don’t apologize for that. You weren’t rude or overstepping boundaries because he put your entire group into those boundaries by acting that way in front of you.

Some abusive assholes use the bystander effect to drive home to their victim that "no one is going to help you, you depend on ME for everything."

My abusive ex had a habit of grabbing my arm and not letting me get away from him. I would try to get out of his grip and yell "let me go!" loudly so that other people would hear. No one ever stopped to try to help me, and most people would act awkward and try to avoid eye contact. He did this to make me feel as hopeless and isolated as possible in the hopes that I would come back to him. It was terrifying. If someone had stopped just once and said "hey, you can't treat someone like that" I would have been a lot better off.

Your friend isn’t a nice person. I know you think he’s nice to you but he’s not nice. He doesn’t treat that girl the way she should be treated and is abusive. There’s nothing about the girlfriend that triggers him. It’s his own unresolved anger issues and his problem that her minor screw up triggered him. He needs to check himself. I’m sure he’s been this way to her for some time. She needs to leave him and find someone better. And when she does leave him and he cries to you and ask why, you tell him why. The harsh truth of it. He’s abusive and no one wants to be with an abuser.

I was in a situation like this ( but in the GF's position.) The guy was always so nice to everyone else, but I would get yelled at and publicly humiliated all the time. I would try to brush it off or pretend like it wasn't happening, but it only got worse (and was much worse in private.) People talked with my abuser about it and told him that his behavior was not ok, but it changed nothing. He never changed and went on to abuse the next girl he was with after I escaped the situation. I always wished that someone would have pulled me aside and said, "His behavior is inappropriate, you do not deserve to be treated this way. He's my number if you need to talk." Not sure it's the same kind of situation, but it sure sounds familiar.

How close are you to this guy? If you're good friends, and you've never noticed him being this way before, I would personally take this opportunity to have a talk with him about it. Open with 'I'm sorry about the other day - I hope you don't feel like I overstepped the bounds' so it's clear you're not there to chow him out some more, but go on to say that you've noticed he often lacks patience with current girlfriend and you're concerned about him. If he doesn't want to tell you more, then leave it, but there may be more going on that you could support him with.

If he’s treating her like this in public, who knows how he treats her in private. He needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable and she needs to know that she has allies. The friends who say you should have stayed out of it sound like passive assholes. You did the right thing OP.

I think you did the right thing. Looking back on my past abusive relationship, I wish his family had stood up for me when he spoke to me like that. Unfortunately they were just as bad. My ex was careful not to make it known in public. So I can't help but wonder if he's this verbally abusive to her in public, how bad he is at home behind closed doors.

Thank you for standing up for her. He needed to be called out on it. Abusers rarely are called out on their behaviour.

Sounds a lot like my relationship and I can't wait to be done with it. Good for you for sticking up for her, rarely would people stand up for me in front of my bf but they'd always say stuff once he wasn't around

No, you shouldn't feel sorry. You did the right thing, and your friends did nothing to help her in that moment. I'd say the best thing to do is to leave it alone and not apologize. If you see it happen again, say something again, but this time say it in front of everyone: you gave him a polite heads up that he shouldn't speak to people like that in private already, he shouldn't get another one.

However, you should try to figure out what is going on with him. If he hasn't behaved like this before, maybe there's something going on that is not being seen by anyone else. Maybe it's a mood disorder or some new stressor or something in the relationship that nobody knows of.

No what your friends were doing was normalizing abusive behavior for the g/f. She feels off centered, hurt, and confused. Then her friends say and do nothing, so she begins to wonder if the words her bf speaks are true and deserved. She stays longer in a cycle of abuse because the people closer to her act like it’s NBD.

If only my ex’s friends and family, rather than laugh at the terrible stories he told about me, told him he was an ass, I wouldn’t have stayed for ten whole years.

Your friends need to grow a pair.

It doesn’t take a “whole story, both sides” to recognize someone is speaking with disrespect and hate to another.

Edit to add: AFTEr I finally left (and I was quiet about why. I didn’t talk about it) , about three or four different people who I felt we regularly saw as a couple were like “I always thought the way he treated you and talked about you was toxic.”

I am with your friends in this. You should not have made a scene of it. The situation imo did not need you to make it your business.

I had a colleague like you once. She would always act upon her sense of what is right or wrong and let everyone know. She was ofc mostly right but all in all ppl try to avoid her because they would not be sure if they said anything that would call them out so to speak.

So you might have a strong and good sense of righteousness, but your diplomacy skills should be improved.

It wasn't your place to talk to him. She's a grown adult, she is in charge of how her boyfriend speaks to her, not you. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't hangout around them. She could have a Xanax addiction and forgetting/spilling stuff comes from being out of it and her boyfriend has had it. That's just a random ass example to show you how it could be a million and one things which cause him to act that way. At the end of the day though it's not your circus and those aren't your monkeys so stay out of it unless you want to be known as a shit starter.

Yeah, no. You're making up a hypothetical to try and justify staying out of this. Sticking to what we and OP know, they did the right thing. Your line of thinking leads us to turning a blind eye when we see people in trouble because "it's not our place."

Who cares about being known as a shit starter? If he wanted the be able to berate his girlfriend without anyone interfering, he could have done it in private. The fact that he was comfortable enough to do it in front of their friends just goes to show how bad it really is. "She's an adult, she can take care of herself" doesn't always apply to abuse victims because they don't see things the way an objective person does.

You definitely did the right thing.
BUT! You could have chosen a bit friendlier way to tell him. He was probably at least a bit drunk too so it might have been harder for him to realize how he was behaving (definitely not siding with him though). After you told him the words you chose, he suddenly realized how much he just fucked up with his behavior and went into panic mode, where he's trying to distract everyone from his fuck up and aim the attention on someone else instead.
I think you should talk to him between four eyes like two men and talk about it. It's definitely not worth it to lose a friend for this. You should also make sure he understands what you did was for his good as well as for his relationship with his girlfriend and face in front of everyone. He also needs to know that he went a bit far and that he shouldn't do it in the future any more.
Remember that if you want to solve things calmly, you should try to stay friendly and make him want to talk about it at all, because of his panic mode. Good luck!

TL;DR: You picked not the best words, he realized how he fucked up and started blaming someone else. You should talk to him about it as two adult friends and shake hands.

"Aww, my poor baby schmoopie bear seems a wee bit gwumpy! Does my gwumpy baby bear need a nap? Or a chocolate? What can I do to make my sweet baby booboo bumpkins feel better about that mean and scary parking meter? That mean old parking meter makes my baby bumpkin puss so gwumpy! Come to Mama for a hug."

Other people were already trying to get this asshole to calm down in friendlier words. There were no friendlier words that were working. It was only when OP got slightly harsh that he snapped back to reality. Trust me, had it been my group of friends, we would have made sure the words were much harsher.

Your advice is to enable the abuse of an abuser. No, this is not how you handle these people.

"Aww, my poor baby schmoopie bear seems a wee bit gwumpy! Does my gwumpy baby bear need a nap? Or a chocolate? What can I do to make my sweet baby booboo bumpkins feel better about that mean and scary parking better? That mean old parking meter makes my baby bumpkin puss so gwumpy! Come to Mama for a hug."

Other people were already trying to get this asshole to calm down in friendlier words. There were no friendlier words. It was only when OP got slightly harsh that he snapped back to reality. Trust me, had it been my group of friends, we would have made sure the words were much harsher.

I think you did the right thing. I mean if he’s like that in public, you never know what goes on when people aren’t around. Don’t apologize but maybe talk to your friend and see if there’s something in his life that making him act this way.

You’re the kind of person that can make a difference in life! I see things like this often and people just back off and stay quiet! I say good on you for setting that bully straight! You should be proud of yourself and don’t stop speaking up when you see fit!

If you’re a good friend, you call that shit out. It’s not like you punched the dude. You just took him to the side and told him how he’s embarrassing himself and his girl by acting like a dick. That’s what friends do, they help check your ass so you don’t end up being a dick. I don’t see much issue with it. Now if he and you ended up fighting then even I would ask why you’re willing to fight him to stand up for his girl. But you didn’t, it was just a friend telling another to act mature

The next time one of them tells you to stay out of it and it's her responsibility to stand up for herself, tell them:

"I'm sure if she had been upset or offended enough by his behaviour, she would have. She clearly has a higher 'reprehensible and unnecessary public or private behaviour' tolerance level than I do... but I was standing up for MYSELF. I, myself, was personally annoyed, disgusted and embarrassed by him. So I told him so. If I see him kicking a dog, I'm going to say something again. I don't care if it's a mastiff bigger than he is that could destroy him in a fight. I don't care if the dog attacks him back or just takes it. I'm going to say something. I don't give a shit about how the dog chooses to react to the situation, its not relevant to my peace of mind and evening being ruined by him."

In my years of experience (53/m) if his outbursts are not uncommon,and she just apologizes or says nothing in her own defence. Your friend is an abusive little boy. If he is she may feel she is unworthy of being treated better. You may have just shown her she is of value. If all this is true be careful around her. She may see your standing up to her boyfriend as a interest in her. Unless you want to go there.
If she does stand up for her self. Then just explain to your friend. That its not cool to yell and berate at her in front of everyone. By doing so he invoked everyone there in the argument.

I think it's really nice that you had the guts to stand up for her. Of course she should handle her relationship but come on, if he is such an asshole, maybe he needs to here it from someone else.

I also once said to a guy that he really just should stop now calling his GF a stupid slut infront of everybody because she said hello to an old schoolfriend. He hates me now for interfering, but fuck him.

Your friends sound like quivering pussies. Instead of doing the responsible and justified thing, they would rather face the second hand embarrassment of having their belligerent friend take out his abusive aggressions on his partner. What's even more disgusting is that they're trying to talk you out of delivering justice because of their own peer pressures applied by him.

But not you. You stood up when they wouldn't. You are an inspiration. And I'll bet you inspired some courage into that girl. Well done.

It sounds like he was way out of line, and in that moment you were right to tell him to stop. It’s inappropriate of him to berate her in front of their friend group. That said, I’ve been in a relationship with someone who is consistently careless with things like his request to replenish the meter. If you’re a responsible person, a repeat similar occurrence...even if it doesn’t result in a disaster like towed car...can really eat at you and cause you to do and say things that you otherwise wouldn’t. It’s very stressful to feel like you’re alway reeling slack and can’t rely on your counterpart.

You may want to ask him to re-examine the relationship. If he really hasn’t acted like this with other women then perhaps these two are flat incompatible. He may need to man up and end it rather than continuing to make her feel inadequate. Being careless like this is something that is very difficult to “change” or “train out” of someone. Unfortunately, being conscientious is sort of a character trait unless a person personally commits to some pretty intense self training (mindfulness and the like).

The alternative is that this was a one time deal and dude was just out of line being an asshole. In which case, ignore the above.

It's amazing how many people are willing to look the other way when an asshole is being abusive, be it physical or mental.

Usually because they know the asshole is going to start bitching or whining at them if they say anything. Your friends take the easy way out it seems. It's like people think it's rude to step in, but assholes are always willing to be assholes, no matter how uncomfortable they make everyone around them. It's like they think it makes them top dog or some shit. You did the right thing.

You said he was nice to his exes, but how long was he with those exes he was nice too? Many times mental abuse starts behind close doors and escalates. Maybe that is why they are exes. Doesn't mean you should watch him mistreat his present GF either way.

It doesn't just take a village to raise a child, it takes a village to protect those adults that need just a little help sometimes.

I have the exact same situation - Someone who was once my best friend started dating a girl about 6 years ago and she is horrible to him constantly. Calls him a "Fat retard" all the time, does her best to humiliate him in front of his friends, and starts shouting at him at the slightest provocation. This happens every time I saw them both, until eventually she was shouting at him one day and I called her a bully and said her behaviour was disgusting.

She immediately started crying while he said nothing, and they both left my place. I get a message from him saying I was "aggressive" even though I didn't get out of my chair of even raise my voice. According to him, she cried every night for 2 months after that night, which apparently means she automatically gets a pass. I just think it means she is manipulative and emotionally unstable.

That was a year ago and we don't hang out anymore. I regret nothing, something had to be said. And to be frank, those pals that sit with a pursed smile while they watch him being picked on and humiliated by her every night aren't very good friends. And for him to cut my out of his life with such ease suggests he wasn't the best friend either. Such is life, I guess.

I believe today common issue is to "look away" - starting with what seems as a small conflict as in this case, ending up by people wont help out somebody whose being beaten up on a street surrounded by dozens people who could hel together.
We all should be more thoughtfull and stand up for each other - no matter whether it is a stranger or a good friend. We should care more.
It is still common, that many girls believe they deserve it - sometimes they even think they deserve to be bullied by theyre partner and even when they realized, its a bad think, they are afraid to do anything about it. So yes, I think you did good. You might show her (and him as well) that something isn't quite right with his behavior and they might both think about it and do something to improve that.

Thank you for standing up for that girl... I am a 23 year old female and I have been in abusive situations like this in public, in private.. but, no one ever stood up for me. I even got slapped, then called a bitch, and they threw their phone at my stomach. I didn't even do anything wrong. It was at a party and I purposely kept to myself and didn't really socialize with many people unless spoken to. Everyone just gasped when I got slapped and called a bitch, however, the party carried on right after. It was like it never happened and I just had silent tears and kept wiping my face. My face obviously had a hit mark too and I could tell people were staring at it..

SO, thank you for standing up for that poor girl. We need more people like you. Fuck your friends for their immature thoughts and accepting such behavior. Don't apologize.

Pardon my french but fuck that shit. Your mutual friends are cowards and complicit in his abuse. They're just admitting that they care more about the status quo than standing up for a person's well being.