Tag Archives: botox

Beverly Hills Freaky Frozen Faces

Beverly Hills Freaky Frozen Faces

Why would anyone have a frozen face in Beverly Hills? I mean, come on Janell, it’s hot in Beverly Hills. Are you sure you aren’t confusing your cities? Did you mean to say Brandon, Manitoba, Canada? Brandon, your former stomping grounds, a city where the daytime temperatures can hover at -40 degrees Celsius during the winter; a city whose weather report actually has frost alerts so the inhabitants know exactly how long their exposed skin can be outside before it actually freezes.

I mean, Brandon could have people with literally… Frozen Faces, and that would be Freaky!

HELL NO, I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!

In Beverly Hills we have a different sort of Freaky Frozen Faces. The majority of these Freaky Frozen Faces are sadly inflicted upon a few select groups of people: females, particularly ones over 35 years of age; self-absorbed men who want to stay youthful in order to attract women much younger than their years; or gay boys who live in West-Hollywood, where the pressure to stay looking young is fiercely woven into their culture of beauty. And how do these various demographic groups acquire their Freaky Frozen Faces look?

Check out a list of the Freaky Frozen Faces culprits listed below:

Botox… hey, I like a little Botox too. But, that expression ‘there is such a thing as too much’ can really be applicable when people overdo the Botox. When you put so much Botox in that you can’t move any parts of your forehead and you have zero smile lines around your eyes, then you have entered part-one of becoming part of the Freaky Frozen Faces crowd. Half your damn face can’t move! When the bottom half of your face has movement, and the upper half has none, its looks… freaky. Oy vey…

Fillers… hey, a little filler can go a long way. But when you put filler in your cheeks, and then add some to plump up your cheekbones, and add some to your chin, and then under your eyes, and anywhere else you might see a dot of exposed skin, guess what? You may think you look more youthful, because in youth we do have fuller, rounder faces. But if you put in too much of that shit in your face, your skin doesn’t move the same way. Not only do you have a Frozen Face, if you don’t go to a good doctor, you could also have a freaky frozen face. So, unless you want to walk around looking like a scary nightmare, be careful of how much Filler you put into your face, and WHO does your injections. Trust me — this look draws a fine line between ‘Beauty or Beast’!

So now, with your forehead not moving because of the Botox, and your face barely moving from the fillers, some people – and usually it is only women—decide to make their lips protrude in ways that lips were genetically not designed to do. For some reason, Beverly Hills has become the poster child for ‘Collagen/Filler enhanced lips.’ We are talking about lips that swell between 50 to 100 percent of their normal size, or even bigger; FISH LIPS! I am not sure how these massive fake Fish Lips have translated into a youthful look. I see tourists on Rodeo Drive staring at people whose lips appear to swallow up their faces. It looks weird. For some reason, the Fish Lip Phenomenon hasn’t spread across the country in the massive sweep that has taken over Beverly Hills. But in this city, it has become the new norm, a new norm of beauty. I don’t think it makes women look younger, just fucking weird.

Okay, so I guess the moral of this Freaky Frozen Faces story is…

A little goes a long way when it comes to cosmetic fillers and injectables. If you venture into these waters, err on the side of ‘less is more’.

Looking good and feeling good about yourself is important, and I am all about doing things to make you feel good about yourself. But remember, you can’t truly erase aging, so doing it gracefully—even with assistance –means quality NOT quantity.

And all of that being said, if any dermatologist wants to throw this girl some free Botox or Filler, I will gracefully accept as long as I can still move my face, and I still look like me at the end of the day. I have enough problems; I don’t want to add a FREAKY FROZEN FACE to my list of issues!

Kisses y’all! And these kisses are coming at you from my non-cosmetically-enhanced lips.

A Gift Bag means parties, and parties make me fall in love again with LA, – especially on days when the hectic-frenetic LA life is getting to me. Why do I LOVE going to parties? Because in LA that generally means…

Some sort of libation will be FREEly poured…(notice I said FREE-ly)

Nibblies of some sort will be passed….(not enough to skip a meal or you will need to hit In-N-Out on the way home)

A diverse variety of ‘invited guests’ – (‘Invited’ puts everyone on a more ‘even playing field’ so people who would normally ignore you will say hello – welcome to LA-land folks !)

And Give-Away’s or a Gift Bag ……or best case scenario….BOTH!

Basically, to me, a party in LA means, as a single girl on a budget, that: I can drink for free, nibble for free, meet prospective dates or business contacts, and I leave with free loot! Not a bad way to spend an evening.

I recently attended a party at a medical/health/healing/beauty center – basically a business hosting a glamorous event in order to attract new clients. When I arrived at the event, the check-in girl informed me that they were going to be drawing names for various prizes, and asked if I had a business card to put it in the large glass fish bowl that was sitting on the check-in table. She pointed towards a placard that listed all of the wonderful prizes they were drawing at the end of the evening. Of course, I tossed in my card, and my observant blue eyes noticed directly behind the check-in table large bags stuffed with gift bags, that I knew would be moving closer to the door once the party was ending. So with the certainty of a parting gift bag, and the lure of perhaps winning a prize, I was decidedly staying until the end of the event.

As I was walking around sipping my champagne, keeping my eyes open for any one carrying a tray of something that I hoped would be edible – as I had run from work and was starving – checked out the services they offered, all the while scoping out the crowd to see who I deemed interesting enough to engage in a conversation with or maybe cute enough to date. About an hour and a half had passed, and the party patrons were starting to get anxious as the trays of nibblies and champagne had slowed to snails’ pace, yet no one was wanting to leave as everyone had placed a business card in the glass fish bowl – and if I had spotted the gift bags – I am sure they had as well.

Finally, the owner got to the podium, mic in hand, and thanked everyone for coming, and yada yada yada…at this point I wasn’t paying attention, my mind was wandering, actually doing a ‘double- wander’….wondering what might be in the gift bags and also wondering if I had a Amy’s frozen Mac and Cheese at home because I was starving! As the owner was about to pull names from the glass fish bowl, his fingers playing with the cards in the bowl as he spoke, the room started to quiet down, even the mind wanderers like me started to pay attention, as a list of the prizes being given away listed on what should have been titled the ‘BRIBE PLACARD’ had definitely kept everyone interested – or at least feigning interest – and a captive audience at best for the entire evening.

You see, in Los Angeles, you can’t survive if you are just a health center or a wellness center….Eastern Medicine meets Western Medicine just isn’t enough….you need to also offer beauty services, like Botox and fillers, and peels and lasers. Los Angelites, especially Beverly Hills peeps, are as interested in being physically healthy as they are in having healthy plump lips. I know, I know….I know….shallow…but it is what it is. Well, just call me shallow Janell, because I was wondering if the Endermologie treatment would really take away cellulite, and I was sure I could find use for free Juvederm.

As the prizes were announced and the winner’s card drawn, the lucky winner sprinted to the podium to get their certificates for: a massage, a facial, Botox, Juvederm, a laser peel, infrared sauna therapy sessions and Endermologie treatments. I was shocked when I heard my name called, and eagerly started to make my way from the back through the sea of people to the front of the podium. I was so excited for my win, that I failed to hear what I had won. When I thanked the owner and looked down at my certificate it was for “One Colonics Session”.

C-O-L-O-N-I-C-S!!!!! Seriously? I won an hour session to have someone stick a hose up my butt and pump gallons of water through it and then watch the poop and crud infested water came back out of my butt? SERIOUSLY? As I stood there silent, a host of emotions raced through my head and likely simultaneously showed up on my face – fear, shock, embarrassment having had won this prize, more fear, and then an overall feeling of being ungrateful to the universe as I was a winner, and that was something to be thankful for . As I started to wonder if somehow I could ‘exchange’ my prize for something less, how can you say, ‘less invasive’, a warm hand touched my shoulder and woke me out of my stupefaction-mind-bending thoughts and said…. “Hi, my name is Rose, and I am going to be your technician for your session. Do you want to take a look at the room?”

I turned and took my first look at what I now deemed was to be my torturer. Rose, was a soft looking, kind faced, plump, middle aged woman; she wore her hair loosely tied back in a ponytail, hair strands tousled around her warm, kind face. She had an energy about her, the kind of energy that you bond with instantaneously – the kind of woman you could fall into her arms and sob as you told her stories about the boy who broke your heart – the kind of woman you would basically trust with your inner most secrets, and I guess…..in this case with… your butt-hole!

I followed her, silently, like I was blindly following a cult leader into what they called the ‘Colonics Session Therapy Room’. The designer-designed room – pastel walls, velvety corner chair, soft music with wafts of vanilla floating in the air – all meant to detract from the obvious – was ‘obviously’ not lost on me. The medical bed in the center of the room (equipped with the little feet holders that you use when you are getting your yearly pap smear), the long white THICK hose that wound its self around a long metal stand (yards and yards of it), the massive wall chart of the human bowel tract, the metal surgery like table with stainless steel bowls on it – made me feel like a medieval torture chamber had met a Beverly Hills designer and this was the result.

As Rose was talking and pointing everything out I was silently looking and listening, then…. I suddenly blurted out… “You know, I really eat a lot of fiber, I go at least once a day sometimes more, I am pretty sure my colon is as clean as a whistle.” (Seriously…I said that…as clean as a whistle) At which point she started to tap on my tight taut (extra taut as I was holding my gut in) stomach and said “Oh no, there’s work to be done in there…I can tell!”

Room tour finally done, I politely thanked her, and said I was excited for my session, and made my way back to the party and through the now sparse crowd, but not so fast as to not grab my gift bag on the way.

Finally…… happy to be home, Amy’s Mac and Cheese heating up in the microwave, gift bag torn apart to see if there was any good loot, and the Colonics certificate filed in my ‘free shit folder’, until that time ………..when…..

When……..

I think gee, maybe I can ‘re-gift this’ (NOT)!….

I am ready for that ‘date’ where I want to make sure my stomach is completely flat…… (Think starving myself will be my first, second and third option)!…..

Or when I am desperate for a blog post and decide to use my certificate so I have a story to tell….

PERCEPTION WARPED! : How Living in Los Angeles has Warped my PERCEPTION!

PERCEPTION….PERCEPTION is influenced by who, what, how and where you live. Living in Los Angeles has definitely changed my PERCEPTION of life in general. Let’s just say that things that would have seemed ridiculous, outlandish, and downright fabricated – were I still living on the Canadian Prairies – have become my new ‘happy’ normal.

The other day I was feeling a bit down, and decided to cheer myself up and take a walk on Robertson Boulevard to get some fresh air and see if any of the marvelous shops located there had any great sales.

I love fashion, but this fashionista is on a budget, so when I see some ‘fabulous- must-have-designer-designed’ WHATEVER on sale – and now in my price range – it equates in my mind to…..’Happiness in a Bag Syndrome’.

‘Happiness in a Bag Syndrome’ is that feeling you get when a sparkly new item is neatly folded between soft tissue paper, and carefully put in a labelled bag, that you now get to carry around and fantasize about how great that WHATEVER will look on you. It’s the same feeling you get from great wine, great chocolate, great sex or a great laugh….Although this instant happiness actually lasts longer as it is tangible and therefore in my mind makes it a an even greater source of happiness as the wear-ability definitely outlasts the wine buzz, the chocolate taste, the hopefully great orgasm, and the belly laugh – this happiness has some staying power.’

So on this day, when I found this amazing Kooples designer t-shirt at fifty percent off, I snatched it up and finished my walk with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. Oh course, once I got home, I couldn’t wait to try it on and see how it fit into my wardrobe, feeling happy and proud of myself for finding this amazing deal.

I am not sure why, but as I was trying it on and marveling how cute and down-right sexy my new wardrobe addition was, it dawned on me that I had just spend $82.50 on a …..t-shirt. Somehow the whole, wow, I am getting this half price – yep the t-shirt was originally $165 – had clouded my sale-happy-self’s brain. When I looked at my plain, grey, slightly oversized t-shirt with four small holes in the front – slashed to look like someone took a pair of scissors and cut out chunks – I realized a sane person would question my sanity if I told them about my amazing deal. I had PAID $82.50 for….a t-shirt.

This is when it hit me that living in LA, things are so expensive that my PERCEPTION of the price of goods has become officially WARPED. Then I started to think….hmmm….I wonder what else that happens in my everyday life, where my PERCEPTION of my ‘Canadian normal’ has done a 180….and for the most part goes ‘un-remarked and unchecked’ in my brain.

Upon reflection…. here are some of my WARPED PERCEPTIONS after living in LA:

My PERCEPTION of Fashion….

A pair of Rag and Bones jeans that were originally $300, on sale for $200, then marked down to $175, and further discounted to $150 with a final mark down of $130 seems like a hell of a deal to me!

Even better – A Missoni dress that was originally $1600, on sale for $1200, marked down to $800, with a final reduction of $400 seems like ONE HELL of a deal, as Missoni is a timeless designer and a now MUST HAVE piece.

Carrying a designer bag in Beverly Hills is a MUST, so saving a minimum of $1000 in order to have one is not considered a sacrifice but a necessary budgeting expense!

Therefore an $1100 Alexander Wang bang on sale for $873 further reduced to $536 with a final markdown of $268 makes me feel like I have saved $832 – and I squeal in delight at my amazing deal . And no ……I don’t put the $832 towards my 401 k’s – I buy an outfit on sale to go with the new bag, and methodically plan when my new bag and outfit will officially make their social debut!

My PERCEPTION of Going Out………

Hanging out with a friend and having a glass of wine at decent establishment will cost a minimum of $16 dollars.

A small restaurant filet will cost, on average, 30 dollars; however if you want mashed potatoes with that add another 9 dollars, and if you want a dollop of spinach that’s another 12 dollars….51 dollars before tax, tip and a glass of wine – and usually I am still hungry.

Valet parking at nightclubs and restaurants ranges from ten to twenty dollars, making Uber my new best friend.

Botox and fillers are not considered ‘having work done,’ they are just considered ‘ maintenance’ – like cutting your hair.

Good, clean, high end Gyms – like Equinox – are expensive, and cost on average $200 a month.

Cycling Studios like Soul Cycle charge up to $35 a class; making the $200 Equinox membership seem reasonable after all.

And lastly…..My PERCEPTION of Weather….

Rain has becomes a ‘terrifying’ weather ordeal where no one wants to leave their home; including me.

And, I am now officially freezing when it gets to sixty degrees. And during the month of February when I speak to my friends and family in Canada and they tell me its -40 C and with the windchill it feels more like -60 C….I tell them, yep, its cold here too. And it is. And I am cold. And that’s the truth! PERCEPTION!

My PERCEPTION of life is officially Cali WARPED!Thank you LA LA Land!

http://www.thekooples.com/fr/ Kooples….great stuff by the way, hit the translate button into English when you click on the link (if you don’t parlez le francais!)

OMG….Did you see her SELFIE? OMG …look at the bitch’s SELFIE? What was she thinking? What was she wearing?….What’s up with her hair?….OMG her nostrils are ginormous….Is that white powder I see in her nose hairs?….hmmmm….Figured as much.”

Smart phone cameras have led to a phenomenon known as the ‘SELFIE.’ The SELFIE … the art of contorting and twisting your arm to an awkward position so that you find the best angle to take a picture of yourself; in fact there is even a reverse button on your camera to make your self-obsessed- photo -taking SELFIE easier to obtain. The result…SELFIE suffocation is everywhere.

Australia has taken credit for the invention off the SELFIE after some kid accidentally took a picture of his bloodied lip on his 21st birthday; a claim to fame that is bizarrely lost on me. And since this time the SELFIE has taken on a life of its own. In 2013 the Oxford Dictionary – yes the real Oxford Dictionary- named it word of the year. At the Oscars in 2014, Ellen DeGeneres celebrity drenched SELFIE went viral. The SELFIE has inspired a song and a TV show – both ‘ ironically’ called ‘Selfie’; and just when you thought the market was fairly SELFIE satiated, along comes Kim Kardashian and her well titled book ‘Selfish’ – boasting 300 SELFIE shots of Kim since her rise to stardom. Page upon page we see the gorgeous Kim K recount her celebrity life, most of it scantily clad I will add, all while holding her phone.

Clearly, even though we are slowly been SEFLIE suffocated, the SELFIE….It is not going away. But in a way, I wish it would? Why? Why you ask??

Friendship Wars – You see, not only does this uncomfortable arm contorting result in your very own collection of SEFLIE’S, you can also squish all your friends together and do group SELFIES, the tallest friend with the longest arms most likely in possession of the group SELFIE shot – a shot that is texted to all in the photo for group SELFIE approval. Of course, when the group SELFIE is not group-pre-approved, and is posted on Social Media for the world to see – it is deemed a treacherous act indeed. The result… Friendship Wars!

Expressionless Nation – The SELFIE evolution could also be Generation Sad. How often do you see smiling SELFIES? Over 90 percent of the SELFIES posted are of serious, miserable, sad looking- expressionless people. Why? Because after the age of 5, when you smile and laugh and are joyous, those nasty little eye wrinkles and smile lines appear on your face – moving skin tends to do this. SELFIE shots are taken at incredibly close angles, so unless you have gorilla arms, they show every flaw. The result – an Expressionless SELFIE Nation.

Generation Poser – We are breeding a generation of ‘self-absorbed posers’. The need to take and share your SELFIES is hogging up social media sites. I know you aren’t tired of looking at you, but ummm, is there anything else interesting in and around your world other than YOU that you might wanna share?? Just asking….Generation Poser.

Celebrity SEFLIES– okay, so I get that you’re famous and you don’t want imperfect pictures of you out there in the universe – who does – but could you maybe smile in a few? I am tired to seeing famous people, in amazing locations, doing amazing things, looking fucking miserable. I get that you are on a private jet, and you are sipping champagne, but why the hell aren’t you enjoying it?…..Celebrity SELFIES!

At the end of the day, Dermatologist and Plastic surgeons are totally loving the SELFIE, as I am sure their business as quadrupled since this craze began. And as much as the SELFIE phenomenon irritates me on many levels, …I know what I need to do if I am going to SURVIVE SELFIE suffocation…….