If you want to keep information unread, publish it under the title READ ME. You might also stuff it into one of those software installation files that always end with I HAVE READ AND UNDERSTOOD THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT. Does anybody know what we’re actually agreeing to, when we agree with that lie?

Anyway, the best reason for reading this READ ME file is that it contains the ultra-secret password for the site’s restricted galleries. That word is—ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

A bit of background: I’ve been a professional illustrator and cartoonist since around 1980, working (obviously) in old-fashioned ink, paint and paper. I am the proud creator of some of the least popular cartoon characters of all time. Also, I came pretty close to working for Hallmark Cards, Disney and Sesame Street. Few artists can boast of failing to obtain employment with so many important companies.

In 1991 I finally ended up at a newspaper, where I was introduced to the Macintosh. At first I condemned it as a tool of the Dark Lord. Then I discovered that I had quite a knack for it, and I decided it wasn’t.

Today I use the Mac exclusively for “fine” art, intended for homes and businesses. This art is available for sale in the form of open-edition giclees on canvas or watercolor paper. A size of my preference is recommended for each piece, but if you prefer something smaller (or larger) that’s fine. Size will be reflected in price. I’ll even deliver your picture personally if you provide travel expenses, meals and accommodations at any luxury resort.

Oh! That password: It’s matisse. Lower case, no period. That word will get you into my NSFW figure galleries. Everyone loves these, unless they don't. The idea is that I don't want people innocently stumbling into these galleries by accident and losing their minds, their lunch or their religion. I am a polite and sensitive person, you see.

Thanks for reading! As a way of saying thanks, I'll be sending you a fruit basket.