Toys Aren't a Determination of Social Acceptability

In celebration of ten years of business, we asked community members to tell us what, if anything, EdenFantasys has done for them. This author attributes his complete change in outlook to our members.

An oft used complaint of mine before joining Edenfantasys.com was the disparity in sex toy quality between men and women. Women had rabbits, vibrators, bullets and nipple stimulators, while men had socks. Unless they were pathetic perverts who used Fleshlights, but aside from that, men were without good sex toys.

Or at least that was my thinking before joining. Heck, even after joining Eden there was still a stigma with men’s sex toys, sleeves, probes, vibrators, the whole shebang. Anything butt related held the stigma of potential gayness, while sleeves were an admission of failure. That was before trying these toys.

Once tried, it became obvious how wonderful they were. Probes were just a little extra oomph with normal masturbation, while sleeves were a far more stimulating way to masturbate than just using a sock. Given the quality of these toys and their potential for pleasure, why is there such a stigma?

Men are supposed to be having sex with multiple partners as much as they can without thought to the consequences. At least that’s how it’s portrayed in the media. TV Tropes catalogues thousands of different reoccurring elements in TV, film, comic books and other types of media and one common trope is “A Man is Not a Virgin.”

According to their page, the leading man of most forms of entertainment is one who engages in plenty of sex, while the less sexually gifted are oftentimes the secondary character. Exceptions to this include the celibate hero and the redemption story, with the understanding that the redemption, or the secondary character’s growth, will usually correspond with increased sexual potency.

In “Two and a Half Men” Charlie, the successful jingle/kid’s song writer lived a life of hedonistic excess, whereas Alan, his pathetic brother was lucky to have sex with anyone. This theme continues throughout numerous media, including Don Draper, Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Joey from Friends, Lupin from Lupin the Third, Porkies, American Pie, most teen college movies and of course, James Bond. Just to name a few.

What these shows and movies demonstrate is that men, real men, have sex. They only need to masturbate if, for some reason, they’re unable to find a woman to gratify them and toys are unthinkable, because masturbation’s never for pleasure. Even then, masturbation temporary, until they fix whatever problem prevents them from getting a woman.

Most instances of masturbation are portrayed as a form of weakness or failure in American media, a dependency or shame of the beta male, or cheap comedy fodder. Consider how many jokes there are about the “loser” who spends all of his day “whacking off” and how said loser will either become the villain, or changes, gets a girl and leaves the habit behind. Two that spring to mind are Harold Lauder from “The stand” and Gyrorobo from Robot Chicken.

One of the best examples however is the “Happy Jack” episode of That 70’s Show. In this episode Eric is caught masturbating in Donna’s bathroom and it causes tension for the remainder of the episode. Masturbating in his girlfriend’s bathroom and to Jackie’s mom was only secondary to the shame; the main problem was that she actually witnessed the act.

Until then masturbation was like pooping, a known, but not witnessed occurrence. After this, she was too ashamed and disgusted in Eric to remain in the same room until the wrap-up. Even during the wrap-up, she explains the efforts she goes through to masturbate, candles, music and plenty of time, to which Eric replies “girls do everything better.” (That may not be the exact quote, consider it a paraphrase).

Granted there are a few positive instances of masturbation, the episode of American Dad where Stan (eventually) teaches his son the truth about sex and masturbation, but in general it’s negative. Either it’s portrayed as a failure to engage in sex, or as was the case in “Newsradio” where Dave was abstaining from sex to prove a point, masturbation was “the easy way out.” Given all of the negativity towards masturbation, is it any wonder that male sex toys have a stigma?

If masturbation is just a release, a manner of admitting that the man was unable to have sex, but was still too “weak” not to wait, then why bother with sex toys? Wanting would be an admission of liking masturbation, revealing one’s beta male status.

This was my belief before coming to Eden. On the forums there are dozens, perhaps hundreds of men who enjoy using male sex toys for masturbation. They are in relationships, or alone, but two things are clear: they are happy, good people and not the types of losers or perverts described from the aforementioned tropes.

Until media writers abandon this trope, which is unlikely given how easy they are, stigma towards male sex toy use will likely persist. Masturbation will continue to be perceived as either a vice, or a way of demonstrating that a character isn’t man enough to get the girl and male sex toys will only exist for those who like masturbation too much. Hopefully though, more people will broach this topic as I did in the Eden forums and when media accounts are replaced with actual knowledge, the stigma will fade.