78 Panicked Thoughts You Have When Applying At-Home Relaxer

1. I cannot leave the house like this. 2. And I’m pretty sure I sprained my wrist trying to straighten this new growth.3. Should I just relax it myself?4. No, I can’t…5. But I am too damn broke to go to the salon right now.6. Eff it, I can’t take it anymore.

7. I mean, I’ve been getting relaxers since I was 10, how hard can it be?8. I know one thing’s for sure, this won’t take me six hours like it does at the salon!9. I’m just gonna see which one has the best reviews and get that one.10. Ooo, that’s a lot of options.

14. Rude!15. Whatever, I got this.16. Supplies laid out, I’m ready!17. Let me read all the instructions inside. Not trying to be bald-headed.18. Why do these fold out so large? Is this a map?19. What are these illustrations?20. What do you mean maximum time 18 minutes!21. I just realized I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.

22. Whatever, no turning back now.23. Relaxers don’t smell this bad in the salon, do they?24. My eyes are legit watering from these fumes.25. Why is this stick so short? I can’t stir fast enough!26. Are these gloves going to stay on my hands?27. Nope.28. I really hope this is working, because I am just slapping it on the back of my head.29. OMG, it got on my skin! Where’s a towel?!30. Why is the timer going off!31. Oh, it’s just the nine-minute timer.32. Wait, I’m not even at the crown yet.

33. OK, it’s all on.34. What’s this packet of gel? Was I supposed to use this?35. Is that burning I feel or just itching? 36. Burning or itching?37. OK, it’s tingling. 38. Yeah, I’d say that’s just tingling. 39. At the salon I could sit another 10 minutes, but…

40. What is up with this shampoo?41. No really, is this shampoo working? 42. My scalp is still tingling! 43. Or is that just phantom pain? 44. Are these suds pink or white? 45. I can’t tell if it’s all out! 46. Why does my hair feel like old hay?

47. What have I done!48. I’ll just wash it again to be sure. 49. OK, one more time — better safe than sorry.50. Ooo, this conditioner feels great!51. I’m going to let this sit a little longer before I start combing it.

52. I really hope I didn’t mess my shit up.53. How much do wigs costs, I wonder?54. Um, is more of my hair coming out that normal? 55. Is it? IT IS! 56. I’m bald! I’ve ruined my life! 57. I’m just gonna stop combing.58. I’m sure it’s fine.59. I’m just not going to touch it for a while.

65. OK, it looks shiny. Looks straight. 66. Like really straight. 67. My roots are completely flat against my damn head. 68. Buuuuut, I don’t see any patches of scalp so — woot! 69. UGH! Blow-drying is the woooooooorst!70. This is why I go to the salon for this shit.