Snap-Judging Andi Dorfman's Bachelorette Suitors

Don't get me wrong: snap-judging the Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants is always a highlight of my fiscal quarter, not least because of how incredibly un-copy-edited their bios are (What drunk intern is missing these typos? At one point, the word "door" is spelled "dloor"). But, perhaps like you, I liked Andi so much on Juan Pablo's train wreck of a season, I actually care about what happens to her. And I am not feeling optimistic about this group, who make their very toothy debut on Monday, May 19. Let's meet them, shall we?

This is Carl. And let's face it, nothing says "I'm looking for my forever" like a short-sleeve hoodie.

This is Steven. He has been sent here to right Ben Flajnik's wrongs against women, California, and flippy hair.

This is Nick S. And unless he came straight from a breast cancer awareness event, he's got a real pink problem.

This is Brian. I'm not sure if Brian thinks his hands are small or has another secret related to them, but it looks to me like this picture was taken when he had successfully hidden one and was about to hide the other.

This is Rudie. And, yes, he dots the "i" with a heart.

This is Mike. Mike points out that he has an engineering degree, but his job is bartending at a ski lodge. After seeing his hair, I'm not inclined to blame this on the bad economy.

This is Ron. When asked who he would be if he could be anyone for a day, Ron says: "A random dude renting jet-skis on a nice island, because he's living pretty stress-free. No worries." Again, that's if he could be anyone. Making this answer even less imaginative is the fact that the guy he's describing would definitely be named Ron.

This is Craig. Craig is from a town called Defiance. So he better shut his mouth before Cyrus shuts it for him.

This is Dylan. Among Dylan's favorite things are Connect Four and apple juice, so I'm thinking this is more of an adoption situation.

This is Nick V. Don't be distracted by his extra-wide stance or slightly creepy smile. Nick V. is the kind of gem who will regale you with scintillating talking points, such as why he wishes he was a rock star: "The feeling they must feel would be cool...too bad I can't sing." Your date will be filled with the sounds of your silverware hitting your plates as you silently dream of your couch and PJs.

This is Josh B. Josh B. literally has no idea where he is right now. No idea whatsoever.

This is Andrew. I don't know who forced him here, but I'm digging his upbeat-hostage vibe.

This is Tasos. Tasos is a wedding planner, and, bless his heart, that's definitely the only reason Andi will want his number.

This is Bradley. Like Sharleen of yore, Bradley is an opera singer. Unlike Sharleen, he lives with his grandma in Boca Raton and borrowed her boyfriend's clothes to come down here today. (I assume.)

This is Brett. I'm sorry, Brett, but what... Are... THESE?????

This is Cody. I'm sure he'll confide his moving backstory to Andi on the show, but let me give you the gist: Cody is that Kewpie Doll you left in a parking lot as a kid. He was taken in and raised by a couple who owns a Crossfit gym/tanning salon.

This is Patrick. Patrick loves Halloween, because, as he puts it, "It's the one night a year everyone gets to be someone else." And after years of parting his hair like all his strapping investment banker cousins, calling his dad "sir," and disappointing everyone in the family by going to Cornell instead of Yale, Patrick really needs Halloween.

This is Chris. Chris, on the other hand, loves Christmas. And this is just a hunch, but the innocent look in his eyes makes me feel like no one's told him about Santa yet. So keep it down.

This is Jason. Jason loves Deadmau5. And he is somebody's doctor. Imagine finding out your doctor's favorite band was Deadmau5. You never knew you had to ask these things, but you will from now on.

This is Marquel. Marquel is obviously the deciding factor on whether or not diversity will ever work on this show. He's hands-down the best-looking of the bunch, and he says his ideal Saturday night involves cookies, wine, and Netflix. Just let that whole package sink in for a minute. If Andi doesn't send away the other limos and marry him on night one, I will lose my faith in the human race (even faster than I normally do while watching The Bachelor). I will also trample all of you to claim him for myself.

This is Marcus. Marcus says his favorite musical artists are Coldplay, Enrique Iglesias, and Third Eye Blind. He's super excited to go outside for the first time since 2003!

This is JJ. I really thought I was going to like JJ. And then he wore those pants. And then he described himself as a "pantsapreneur." And then I died a little realizing this guy will probably be to his pants line what Ramona Singer is to pinot grigio. He'll just walk into rooms screeching toward the boom, "I'll have a pair of pants, please!"

This is Emil. Just a little about Emil, in his own words: "I prefer being the center of attention, not sure why. It bothers me when I see other people trying to be the center of attention." COOL YOU WILL MAKE A GREAT DAD.

This is Josh M. Josh M. says that he'd bring a woman, a gun, and a knife to a desert island. Best of luck finding that woman, Josh M!

What do you guys think?

Photos: Courtesy of ABC

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Megan AngeloEntertainment writer. I love talking about TV so much, you'll eventually back slowly away from me at a party.