On behalf of The People™, the Party, and the Politburo we express our satisfaction with the Film Academy for staying within the constraints of the narrowly defined Party line while delivering a correct set of Party-approved talking points to the knuckle-dragging American public at the Oscars this Sunday.

Some comrades have voiced concerns about this year's lack of inspiring progressive rhetoric, but please remember that the Democrat victory in Congress has marked the beginning of a new era of lukewarm tepidness, which calls for lukewarm and tepid shows in life, politics, and television.

The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly that. The polarizing times of Michael Moore are over. Hollywood has been given a new assignment - to soothe and desensitize the previously torn and deliberately wounded nation, reuniting it under the banner of moderation, centrism, multiculturalism, socialism, alternative lifestyles, and Global Warming.

How Hollywood imagines an average American family of movie goers.

Who's your daddy: Ellen DeGeneres played a mildly funny host, while her progressive sexual orientation was a subliminal reminder to Americans about who their masters are today.

The Phony Idol of Make-Believe is renamed into the Progressive Idol of The Greater Good™.

Ellen DeGeneres perfectly fit the shoes of a tepid, mildly funny host, while her progressive sexual orientation was a subliminal reminder to all Americans of who today's masters of their country are. The gospel choir was a clever touch too. If we must continue our policy of luring religious voters into the progressive Hollywood fold, we must show these church-going degenerates something they can relate to. And if we can't relate to them through the language, morality, and characters in our movies, we can always produce the Potemkin Village Church Choir of Make-Believe. Hey, it worked during the November elections!

For the same reason the organizers had suspended such formerly popular award categories as "best sedition," "best treason," and "best aid and comfort to the enemy." This deficiency was nonetheless compensated by the presence of George Clooney, last year's winner in "best terrorist recruitment video" categoty for Syriana.

George Clooney, last year's winner in "best terrorist recruitment video" categoty for Syriana.

The remaining categories included "family sucks," "work sucks," "education sucks," "capitalism sucks," "America sucks," and "heterosexuality sucks," along with more subtle ones, such as, "shifting the paradigm," "subliminal propaganda," "historical revisionism," "moral relativity," "advancement of class struggle," "enforcing the Party line," "loyalty to Mosfilm standard of socialist realism," "framing public debate in Marxist terms," "best conversion rate of domestic and foreign audiences to the ideas of utopian socialism," and some others.

The film Little Miss Sunshine was rightfully rewarded in two categories at once:"Most venomous caricature of American success story," and "Family sucks." Alan Arkin, who played the heroin-snorting, foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed, porn-addicted grandpa teaching his seven-year-old granddaughter to dance striptease, also received the "best David Geffen look-alike" award.

The "don't eat anything that has eyes" award went to the animated feature Happy Feet. This cute animal-humanization film reminded viewers with short attention span that penguins, just like polar bears, are the symbol of the suffering wildlife soon to become extinct if industrial America doesn't self-destruct and join with the rest of the Third World panhandlers. Even if the film was unwatchable, Happy Feet still should have won - just so that the award wouldn't go to Cars. The animated Cars was a shameless love song to American cars, roads, landscapes, customs, spirit, and everything Americana, portraying the gas-guzzling USA in a "positive" way without the mandatory touch of anti-Americanism. We have yet to find out how Cars even received an Oscar nomination. The guilty shall be punished.

Oscar winners 2007:

Film:

Categories:

Little Miss Sunshine

Family sucks

Most venomous caricature of American success story

West Bank Story

One man's Jew is another man's Arab (The roadmap to peace lies through Broadway-style singing and dancing)

The Danish Poet

Europeans are so much smarter than us

Marie Antoinette

Decadent ruling classes are doomed to perish

Pan's Labyrinth

The only alternative to Fascism is Communism

Dreamgirls

The only alternative to hip-hop is R&B

The Blood Of Yingzhou District

AIDS is not just for gays

Babel

Unifying the three worlds into a homogenous welfare state

Letters From Iwo Jima

America should never win wars

Peace at any cost!

The Last King Of Scotland

Problems created by socialist policies can only be fixed by more socialist policies

The Queen

Power to the proper people!

The Departed

One man's cop is another man's mobster

Best recycled Hong Kong movie

Advancement of moral relativity

An Inconvenient Truth

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Global Warming

Best PowerPoint presentation

Best fundraiser slideshow

Best guilt-inducing narrative

Why can't we be more like North Korea?

The highlight of the evening was, of course, Al Gore's sanctification of Hollywood's Kodak Theater, which right at that moment, in real time, was officially converted into a Megachurch of Global Warming. Davis Guggenheim, director of An Inconvenient Truth, delivered a frenzied Megachurch-style sermon - jerking his head, speaking in tongues, and exaltedly touching Al Gore while declaring him the new and the only true Prophet of our time (PBUH). Then Prophet Al Gore delivered a new set of progressive commandments: "Thou shalt conserve, propagandize, and recycle." It was followed by a solemn pledge by Hollywood celebrities to do just that.

Recycling is nothing new to Hollywood that has been increasingly reusing old movie ideas: The Mummy, The Producers, Planet of the Apes, War of the Worlds, Phantom of the Opera, House of Wax, Dukes of Hazzard, Dawn of the Dead, The Flight of the Phoenix, The Time Machine, The Longest Yard, The Manchurian Candidate, The Stepford Wives, The Italian Job, The Amityville Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Thomas Crown Affair, The Bad News Bears, The Ring, The Musketeer, The Honeymooners, The In-Laws, The Ladykillers, Thunderbirds, Psycho, S.W.A.T., Bewitched, Godzilla, Herbie, Alfie, Willard, Shaft, SpiderMan, Guess Who, Dark Water, Starsky and Hutch, Pride and Prejudice, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Yours, Mine and Ours, Walking Tall, Freaky Friday, Charlie's Angels, Ocean's Eleven, You've Got Mail, Cheaper by the Dozen, Around the World in 80 Days, and, to an extent, 13 Going on 30, Pink Panther, Miami Vice, Charlotte's Web, Poseidon, The Hills Have Eyes, When a Stranger Calls, Casino Royale, The Departed, and others.

Recycling is nothing new to Hollywood that for some time has been mostly reusing old movie ideas to the point of awarding a recycled Hong Kong film (Internal Affairs) with an Oscar for Best Picture (The Departed). Propaganda of progressivism has also been one of Hollywood staples, along with recreational drugs, indiscriminate sex, and fantasy violence. The ubiquitous golden idols, large and small, had been worshipped before as well. They didn't even need to be replaced - only renamed from the Phony Idol of Make-Believe into the Progressive Idol of The Greater Good™.

A lesser highlight was a multiculturalist contest between Gwyneth Paltrow, Ellen DeGeneres, and other speakers to deliver the most Spanish-sounding pronunciation of Guillermo Del Toro and other Spanish makers of Pan's Labyrinth - to the point of confusion who exactly they were referring to. Oddly enough, the patronizing desire to sound ethnic was only observed with Spanish names. Nobody tried to pronounce "Martin Scorsese" in Italian, "Stephen Spielberg" in Yiddish, or "Iris Yamashita" in Japanese. Even the composer Ennio Morricone who delivered his acceptance speech in pure Italian, was referred to as "Anny Markoney" by Clint Eastwood who also gave a fluent simultaneous translation of "Markoney's" speech into "American." (One can only wonder about the many faces of Ciint - a cowboy, a cop, a progressive historical revisionist, and now a polyglot).

Another lesser highlight was the honoring of Sherry Lansing, the former CEO of Paramount Pictures, for her active support of many politically correct progressive causes, as well as her devotion to making socially conscious movies that "matter" in order to change this society. And if this society still hasn't changed, it must be only due to the scoundrels who stubbornly continue to make movies that "don't matter," cancelling out the ones that do.

At one time during the show Ellen DeGeneres declared that the Oscars would not have existed without Jews, Gays, and Blacks. We would advise extreme caution while approaching such loaded statements. First, in this day and age, any such list will be incomplete without Muslims. We urge Ellen to apologize to the Muslim community and rephrase this unfortunate statement, which brings her down to the level of Mel Gibson and Michael Richards. The last thing we need in Hollywood is an angry Muslim mob torching our hybrid vehicles. It might actually be a good progressive move to give next year's Oscar to a Muslim or two. We'll put it on our wish list. It would serve the Academy well to take a note of it.

At least Ellen was careful not to say that the Oscars would not be possible without America's exceptional capitalist system with its capacity for enormous investments, freedom, and technological innovation that had allowed Hollywood to become world's most expensive dream factory, launching and supporting the careers of all former, present, and future Oscar winners.

The Oscars were fabulous, just fabulous! The glitz, the glamour, the self-righteousness while flaunting exuberant amounts of money... stunning, just stunning! Dr. P and I were of course on the Red Carpet (which was very red indeed) soaking up the star-power and the air of progressive elitism which is now the hallmark of Hollywood. Ugh... it was so exonerating to be around Proper People for once instead of being surrounded by subordinates, unwashed groveling villagers and the typical bureaucrats who bask in our faux airbrushed glow.... ugh, if only I could get a transfer to Beverly Hills!

Of course everyone there (with the exception of Dr. P and myself) were complete stupid useful-idiots who would parrot anything you would tell them... some of them even went so far as to let Dr. P and I prepare their "acceptance" speeches... idiots... can't even remember who to thank without having a script handy. We tried so hard, comrades, so very hard to give Meryl Streep the "Best Womyn in a Progressive Role" statue trinket - but alas we were beat out by that gutter-slut who played that old wind bag from the U.K... Sickening really... to think some whore could beat our Meryl!!?? SHAME! Oh yeah, Susan looked awful... she was wearing some garbage bag and smelled of old Chinese food... Tim doesn't look so good either... poor bastard can't get a decent role anymore and has to play at the protest rallies now to support his progressive life-style. Maybe we could start a fundraiser to help them out.... I heard they have a child together or something... maybe we could have social-services swing by to help them out some, the personal responsibility of raising a child can be daunting when out of work, I'm sure they would appreciate it if they didn't have to worry about the "child" anymore.

The Geico caveman is gonna be really steamed about that picture of the "imagined American family".

Comrade The Tsarevnais right! The caveman is a minority. We need to ensure that they do not face ridicule, and not be profiled as "primitive". Comrade Red Square, I urge you to correct this mistake as it is not internationally accepted. Do you really wish to make the same mistake as an evil kapitalist korporation? "Free the caveman!" "Equal rights for cavmen!"

No, comrades - the caveman is an accurate depiction of the "traditional" Repuglican family and must remain to enlighten all of their backwardness, superstition, and general discrimination against all things civilized and progressive.

But Chairman! The cavemen have feelings too! Why don't you just show a picture of an actual traditional Republican family? People get the idea, everyone knows that a tranditional family is as old as the stone age itself, and that the people of the party are the most modern, hip, and cool.

Cavemen do not have "feelings", Commissar Rodent. You see, that is why it is imperative to "devolve" modern society back to the hunter-gatherer communes of yesteryear ( as comrade O'Brien once suggested) so that these "feelings" can be dispensed with... permanently. Our Communist New Man™ will be devoid of emotions for others and will always opt to follow blindly the orders of the Progressive 1%™ (us) in order to help us acheive the ideal society (The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™ ). I'm sure that I'm making no sense whatsoever and am inherently contradicting myself from previous posts... with this said; It doesn't matter if I contradict myself because I am equipped with more Moral Authority™ then you... which in effect makes me right... always.

What have we learned children™ ? We have learned that using depictions of cavemen is good when we are criticizing our enemies... we also learned that all of society will resemble the Stone-Age once we are finished gutting the economy, culture and AmeriKKKan hegemony... we also learned that it doesn't matter what I believe one day to the next, or how much I contradict myself and how I wallow in hypocrisy... because I'm always right... no matter what. People that we (The Party) designate as victims BECOME the victims... victims don't disgnate themselves (like your cavemen, which is abrasive sense it has the sexist "men" at the end of the progressive dwelling of "cave"). My Lenin, I'm brilliant... quickly, fetch me an accolade so that I may feel more intoxicated in my smuggish self-love.

I hope that made no sense and that you are now more enlightened, Commissar Rodent... you may now nod your head in agreement...uh uh, not to much now... just a few tilts of the noggin is all I ask.

...like your cavemen, which is abrasive sense it has the sexist "men" at the end of the progressive dwelling of "cave"). My Lenin, I'm brilliant... quickly, fetch me an accolade so that I may feel more intoxicated in my smuggish self-love.Here's your accolade, all wrapped up in biodegradable tinfoil and bearing the FDA seal of approval.

I think the promotion of the word "cavemyn" will be a very good cause in our future activities. Just think of the suffering they have endured when they stopped worshipping the Sacred Feminine and were brutally converted by the Church to St. Peter's misogenistic and homophobic vision of Christianity! (*hint* - The DaVinci Code).

But that dark era will soon be over. With the advance of the age of Aquarius, I can clearly hear the ringing voice of a Democrat leader saying, "My fellow Cavemen, Cavewomen, and Cavechildren! Since we have dismantled the evil capitalist regime of the USA, our life is getting better and better every day, and the beets and turnips in our collective sustenance patches are reaching the fantastic sizes they last had in 1913!""

The cavechildren... it's all for them. Well... it is all science really. If the planet continues to get warmer we might indeed see the return of the dinosaurs, which, in effect will eat the cavechildren thus reducing the collectives productivity quotas for the first several strings of 5 year plans... we must not allow this to happen! I can see it now: earthquakes, hurricanes, seven plagues, four horsewomyn/its of Global Warming, and yes, dinosaurs - just as Algore predicted!!!! REPENT GLOBAL WARMERS! REPENT NOW FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST GAIA! ALL IS LOST! ALL IS LOST! THE CAVECHILDREN! THINK ABOUT THE CAVECHILDREN! BWAAHHHHAAA! (send ca$h!)

Ahh! How well my plan is working! My former Vice Premier, whom the people rejected in 2000, now has their sympathy, and their money. And shortly, he will convince the people that all power must be given back to the government, to protect them from themselves. Then, we will win back the Red House, and convert it back to the Bolshevik paradise it once was! All Hail Tsarevna Hillary!!!

Ahh! How well my plan is working! My former Vice Premier, whom the people rejected in 2000, now has their sympathy, and their money. And shortly, he will convince the people that all power must be given back to the government, to protect them from themselves. Then, we will win back the Red House, and convert it back to the Bolshevik paradise it once was! All Hail Tsarevna Hillary!!!

Bill? Is that you?? I should hope your estranged wife doesn't find out you are here right now... she still thinks you are in Vegas.. I'm thinking about reporting you... hmmm.... No, I couldn't possibly do that - not to the man who made lying under oath cool again. Just kidding! I'm sending a transmission right now to one of *Her* bull-dyke staffers! Yes sirry bob; I will earn that vacation package this time!

Ahh! How well my plan is working! My former Vice Premier, whom the people rejected in 2000, now has their sympathy, and their money. And shortly, he will convince the people that all power must be given back to the government, to protect them from themselves. Then, we will win back the Red House, and convert it back to the Bolshevik paradise it once was! All Hail Tsarevna Hillary!!!

Bill? Is that you?? I should hope your estranged wife doesn't find out you are here right now... she still thinks you are in Vegas.. I'm thinking about reporting you... hmmm.... No, I couldn't possibly do that - not to the man who made lying under oath cool again. Just kidding! I'm sending a transmission right now to one of *Her* bull-dyke staffers! Yes sirry bob; I will earn that vacation package this time!

I am back from "working" at my Harlem office with many of the oppressd Afrikaaners. (Although I didn't get much work done, what with these Nubian princesses casting their seductive glances my way....oh. Where was I?)

I'm glad you asked about the "problems" between the Tsaritsa and I. We have since worked out those differences. I had the former Vice Premier talk to our Populist brother Melessa Etheridgovich (who sang in Comrade Gore's brilliant masterpiece) to pay Madama Hillary a "visit". They talked, laughed. Trust me, you don't want any more details than that. Suffice it to say that I have secured the services of all the necessary propagandists (including the ever-loyal Vice-Premier) and thus I am in the good graces of my...um...beloved (yecch) Babushka once again.

You won't read about this in Pravda--I mean the New York Times--so consider this matter to be a state secret.

The Oscars were fabulous, just fabulous! The glitz, the glamour, the self-righteousness while flaunting exuberant amounts of money... stunning, just stunning!

Yes again, like-minded komrades. More kudos from your kolleague down under, the land of 'stray-ya. Where our entertainment industry, like yours, is the most accepted form of education.

However I, along with my allies Germaine Greer and the publik broadcasting authority (the ABC) am a little upset at the Oscars. Where were the categories of "best motion picture painting alternative-lifestylers as upstanding pillars of society being discriminated disenfranchised victims" (won in previous years by Brokeback Mountain) and "Best embryonic stem-cell advocacy"?

Furthermore, the far more progressive Sundance Film Festival had the best potential nomination for the categories of "Best Paradigm Shift" and "Most progressive and enlightened illustration of sexuality" with their movie about people who love animals. And by "love" I mean in the Biblical sense. Providing I am not offending anyone by using the word "Biblical" as it is a book which has done more to oppress womyn, and anymals, than any other.

Because here in Stray-ya, we love anymals. At least, we should be able to. Did the late Steve Irwin (pbuh) teach us nothing??

"Most progressive and enlightened illustration of sexuality" with their movie about people who love animals. And by "love" I mean in the Biblical sense

Of course you refer to the Sundance sensation

We had been successful on acquiring the rights to "Roadkill, A Venison Love Story" and thought we'd be the first to break ground in the cinema arts with the Bryan Hathaway saga, but "Zoo" beat us to the punch.

Unfortunately we ran into some post production problems, and there was a strike picket line set up by the Theatrical Deer Union, who kept claiming that animals were being harmed for our picture, which was complete and utter non-sense....the deer was already "voting Democratic" so what harm could have been happening? Plus M.S. Punchenko, who played the part of Bryan, kept throwing tantrums on the set...wanting only RED colored M&M's and a seperate trailer for his toaster companion Helen<3.Then Red Square had to keep editing the shots on the best angle for the many and various love scenes. I do think with a little effort we'll be ready for next year's Sundance.

Well, I suppose if we must use the tools of kapitalism (entertainment and creative arts) to further the Party cause, we must expect to run the gauntlet with our own kind. The Deer, by having a union, are protecting their collective rights from kapitalist oppression. They wish to enforce their workplace rights; those being- standing around, grazing and generally doing nothing. We must respect that.

What is particularly encouraging is that your movie project accelerates progressiveness by dealing with TWO areas of progressive alternative lifestyles- bestiality AND necrophilia! Kudos!

Now we must hope and pray (to our non-specific deity or Planet) that the love relationships with our fellow mammals are not tainted by sabotage, as was the case with our gay and lesbian komrades. Kristian-Zionist interests must not be allowed to introduce some new "disease" as they did with HIV-AIDS.

This could well be the biggest triumph for alternative progressive values since our tragically thwarted attempt to finally eradicate "paedophelia"- by lowering the age of consent.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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