REVEALED: Leaked copy of new Junior Doctors’ contractOK, so not the real one, but an online comedy outlet’s own version serving up a decent dose of gallows humour with an “exclusive”revealing “the new contract.”

Here are the best of the Department of Health’s “new terms,” as misreported by Huffington Post:

We guarantee that staff will only work five days a week, though one of those days will be Friday which now lasts for 72 hours till Monday.

The NHS will ensure that all staff can see their family and friends, provided that the family and friends are patients at A&E.

You will be entitled to a minimum of five weeks’ paid holidays per year – to be taken between April 30th and May 1st.

We acknowledge that chronic fatigue may occur but get over yourself, it’s not as if you’re dealing with life or death situations.

Given the state of the economy, it is impossible to improve your pay or even maintain it at the same level. Who do you think you are, an MP?

Handhelds with a health warningA health “digital revolution” has been declared by policy-makers seeking savings and a touch of spit and polish on the NHS image, but will it see a hundred flowers bloom?

Aside from complaints by HCSA members regarding difficulties with new systems, we learnt recently that there may be another pitfall.

Researchers have called for action to prevent people from overusing digital devices, the side effects of which are linked to “undesirable behaviours.”

The solution they’ve come up with is to get developers to include “positive and gentle” warning messages to tell people to put their handhelds down.

Of which our political commissars… sorry, hospital HR managers… would surely demand to know: “Where’s the override switch?”

£5 million health potNews of a £5m fund to keep NHS England staff fit and healthy begs the question, when and where will we get the time to cram in that zumba session?

The findings of the HCSA stress survey painted a desperate picture of long hours and skipped breaks – leading this column to speculate what “relaxation” techniques policy-makers are resorting to if they think a £5m pot is enough to do the trick.