Parenting Book

“I have no greater joy than this,
to hear of my children walking in the truth.”
(3rd John 4)

According to modern trends, it is probable that one-third of a child’s life will be directly under parental training and one-third will be under indirect parental training and one-third will be involved with parental care (Ephesians 6:1-4; 1 Timothy 4:4).. It is important to read each verse and study its relation to the principle in the lesson. This booklet on parenting has been designed for study and not for lackadaisical reading.

A Parent’s Prayer

“ Hear, my son, and accept my sayings,
and the years of your life will be many.I have directed you in the way of wisdom: I have led you in upright paths. When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; and if you run, you will not stumble.Take hold of instructions; do not let go. Guard her, for she is your life.”
Proverbs 4:10-12

Introduction to Parenting

A Parent’s Joy

(3rd John 4)“ I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in the truth.”

We will follow the ACROSTIC, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. throughout our study.

P. personality

A. age grouping

R. rearing Children

E. evangelism

N. nurture

T. training

S. spanking

and we will cover this study in five age-groupings:

1. Infancy (0-1 year)

2. Pre-School (2-5 years)

3. Elementary school (6-12 years)

4. Adolescence (13-17 years)

5. Young adults (18-24 years)

We will also study these five age-groupings using the same four headings:

1. Reasonable Behavior

2. Retention

3. Relationships

4. Rules & Regulations

Parents are a child’s first learning source in life. This learning experience can have a positive and negative effect upon
a child’s development as a person. Some psychologist’s believe that a person’s core personality
is developed by age six. “40% of a child’s character is formed
by the time he is three years old and 74% by the time he is four years old.” (Understanding
the Male Temperament by Tim LaHaye, pg.19).

This study is intended to
minimize the negative effect upon the child’s development. “There
is a critical period during the first four years of a child’s life
when he can be taught proper attitudes. These early concepts become rather
permanent.” (Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson, pg.9). As
the twig is bend, the tree is inclined.

Christian parents are warned about damaging the core personality of
their children (Colossians 3:21). As a pastor, I counsel many adults
who suffer from damaged core personalities as children (Ephesians 4:22).

A child’s initial personality development and sense of self-worth
and well being is a reflection of parental training. It is the initial
instructional foundation of the child’s development as a person.

How a child perceives himself through the eyes of others imprints him
as an adult. This study is designed to help parents build a strong foundation
in a child’s life. Parents are possibly the strongest single human
influence upon a child’s personage. Therefore, it is important
that parents have some basic understanding regarding the training of
their children through five age-groupings.

It is possible to fail in the training of one age group and recover
in another, if you understand how to implement a few Biblical parenting
skills (Hebrews 4:12).

This series of lessons are not designed to answer all parenting problems.
Rather, it is designed to help parents evaluate
their present training methods and to offer constructive advice. It is
our intention to offer some biblical parenting skills in each of the
five age-groupings in order to encourage parents to look to God and His
Word for spiritual guidance in parenting children.

(Proverbs 4:10-13) is an example of a biblical parenting skill. Solomon
was explaining to his child the importance of faith cycling of bible
doctrine in his life.

We will study (Prov.4:10-13) using the flowing four point homiletical outline:

The Bible places the primary responsibility of the training of children
upon parents, grandparents and great-grandparents (Proverbs 13:22; 17:6;
Exodus 13:14; Psalms 78:3-4).

Mothers or fathers can rear children without the other parent, but they
need God. All of them need to teach children about God’s wonderful
grace plan that will be their spiritual heritage. 2 Timothy 1:4 and 3:14
give an example of a single parent doing a good job. The Christian parents
have the responsibility to evangelize and bring their children to spiritual
maturity through the proper study of God’s Word.

It is the responsibility of godly parents to guide the spiritual development
of their children. Parents should bring children to take responsibility
for their behavior (Luke 2:21-24; 2:40-46-42; 4:16; Proverbs 22:6). Christian
parents should diligently teach their children Bible doctrine in conversation,
playtime, shopping and bedtime (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).

The first four age groupings (infancy through adolescence) are the ideal
period for the spiritual development of children. Most are converted
by the age of 24; 74% are saved by the age of 14; 19% by the age of 19.
However, 70% of the 18 through 24 year olds are absent from church.

Children are capable of grasping spiritual training at every age group.
However, parents need to teach and review. Parents need to ask the child, “Did
you understand what I said?” and “What did you understand
I said?” This will enable you to know if the child has understood
the teaching (2 Timothy 1:4; 3:14; 1 Timothy 4:11-16).

Christian parents are the initial role model whether good or bad for
their children (2 Corinthians 3:1-3; Hebrews 10:21-24; 1 Timothy 3:4-4,
12-13; 2 John 4; 3 John 4).

The way children are reared has a serious effect upon the early development
of their person and the direction of their lives. “Fools despise
wisdom in the Lord.” Therefore, it is important to give children
godly guidance.

The best textbook for rearing children is the Bible. The best book in
the Bible for rearing children is the book of Proverbs. Christian parents
need to be in a good relationship with God in order to be in a good relationship
with your children (Deuteronomy 6:7; 11:18-21; Ephesians 6:2-3; Proverbs
1:1-6).

(2Timothy 3:14)“ And that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.”

The Gift of Children

(Psalms 127:3-4)“ Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; The fruit of the womb is a reward, like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are
the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”

This passage will be divided into a three-part outline of THE GIFT OF
CHILDREN.

1. Children are fruits of the womb (verse 3)

2. Children are arrows in the hand of a warrior (verse 4)

3. Children are blessing from the Lord (verses 4)

Therefore, Christian parents should understand that they are spiritual
guardians of their children.

This lesson will address the 0-1 year old child. This age group is unique
because it actually has two halves. The first half is the 0 to 1 and
the second half is 1 to 2 years. We will study INFANCY by a four-point
outline: reasonable behavior; retention; relationship; and rules and
consequences.

Reasonable Behavior

Reasonable behavior for 0 to 1 year has been described as crib, creeping,
and crawling. While reasonable behavior for 1 to 2 years has been described
as the clinging, crying, and climbing period. In the infancy period,
the child goes from mouth and grasp reflex (grabs and won’t let
go), which is natural, to spitting and spilling. The parent goes from
no-no to naughty-naughty as the child begins to explore his self-awareness
and gropes for independence. This is when the child’s old sin nature
is manifesting itself.

This is a good time to teach the crawler to get his own toys when they
are reasonably near by, for it develops right lobe learning activities.
As part of the child’s learning, begin teaching the toddler to
put up the toys that he gets out.

Parents should be aware of the manipulating crying towards the eight
month, especially at bedtime. It is important for both parents to recognize
the difference between a hurtful cry and a harmless one. The primary
caregiver is the best one to identify the difference. If not corrected
in love during childhood, the behavior can be retained
all the way into adult childish behavior.

Retention

Infancy is an enormous human growth period. It has been estimated to
be as great as 200%. If this growth period were carried over into adulthood,
a person would be 200 feet tall and weigh 10 tons. Visuals and sounds
are important areas of learning. Touch, taste, and teach is an important
method for learning—ball, big ball, red ball, roll the big red
ball.

Tender loving care (TLC) is important in infancy. It is the period of
carrying and caring. Holding and reading is a great learning experience
for both the child and the parents. Both parents should be involved in
the rearing process of this age. During 0 to 1 year, holding and reading
develops a quiet time. During 1 to 2 years, it will require more for
a child to be quiet This is an energetic age. Infancy (baby world) is
a period for word association, simple vocabulary, and tone-orientation
identification.

Relationship

This is a new relationship period for both the child and parents. It
is especially new for the father who has most likely been a spectator
to this point. The mother should work daddy into child-care parenting.
Parents must remember that this child is a distinctively different member
of the family with his or her own personality identity.

This is a time for special distribution of the parents’ time between
all members of the immediate family. Other siblings must not be neglected
by parents or by other close relatives of the family. Infancy is a family
event. Other siblings don’t understand why the baby is getting
gifts and attention and they are being ignored and neglected.

It is also important to keep your marriage relationship in good shape
during the last 3 months of pregnancy and the first 6 months of the child’s
life. During this period the marital relationship often gets neglected.
This Should Not Happen! A solid marital relationship is an essential
foundation for the addition to the relationship of a child.

Breast-feeding is very important during the first three months for many
reasons. (For information, contact the local La Leche League.) 0 to 1
year is an important period for bonding with the mother and 1 to 2 years
is important for bonding with the rest of the family. This is a time
of “burn-out” for the mother. She needs periodic breaks from
the child during age 8 to 18 months.

Rules and Consequences

Remember that your child begins life minus a developed mentality. This
means that the child has no developed frame of reference for his new
word association. Word association vocabulary comes before sentences.
This means that there is no developed memory center for recall. Therefore,
you must be careful how you approach discipline during infancy. They
understand pain but they may not understand why. Don’t worry about
spoiling this age group.

This first year should be a year of grace. I believe our heavenly Father
treats us in just this manner (Matthew 18:1-6). The child’s right
lobe is not developed well enough to comprehend training by spanking
as opposed to the hurt and confusion by pain.

During the crawling and tone-orientation stage, voice inflection of
no-no training can be used effectively. However, it should be used sparingly
for discipline/instructive training to prepare the child for parental
authority. Parents have a tendency to over use it and then it becomes
ineffective. Then they feel forced to go to stronger methods, which they
usually feel uncomfortable. Often, parents over use the “no-no” method
out of frustration. You will know when you are using it too much because
you will unconsciously say it to your mate or the child starts saying
it. During the crawling-creeping period, child proof your house; put
your valuables out of reach of the child. Exploring his new world is
a child’s natural curiosity. It is a natural and important learning
experience of child development. Guard the safety of your most valuable
asset, your child.

During the latter infancy period, when voice commands are no longer
working, you might introduce finger thumping in order to get the child’s
attention for verbal instructive teaching. Again, it introduces the child
to a parental authority, which does not threaten his relationship with
his primary caregivers.

When taking the child to family-oriented restaurants or shopping, it should
be a short trip and take a favorite toy and reward the child when he does a
good. Go only when the child is rested and have a plan for when things don’t
go well.

From eight months to one year, train by substitution. If the child grabs your
hair or glasses, hand him a toy or keys to make him let go. Build a grace foundation
into the first year of your child-parent relationship.

The Sixty Month Wonder

(Deuteronomy 6:4-7)“ And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up,”

When I was in college, I remember writing a paper in Child Development class
on the five-year-old. I wanted a catchy title and after studying the Pre-School
child, I was so impressed with his development in just sixty months, that
I wrote on that subject. The fact that a child’s rate of accelerated
growth steadily declines over these sixty months from 200% to 30% makes this
child even more of a Sixty Month Wonder. In Child Development, Santrock commented
that one death of every three in the world is the death of a child under
the age five (Pg. 174). Child mortality is still a major issue.

Deuteronomy 6:1-7 is a key passage on divine instruction for training
children. This passage will be divided into a three part homiletical
outline to introduce this lesson:

1. God’s first commandment is with a promise (Deuteronomy 6:1-3;
Ephesians 6:1-3)

You are to love your children, as you love God—with our entire
mind, soul and strength. We must learn to love your children by first
learning to love God. Learn to talk TO your children rather than AT them.
Talk to them at their level so they will be able to understand your instructions.
This age group enters this period with about 100 words and leaves it
with up to 14,000 words.

Reasonable Behavior

The average child grows 2-1/2 inches in height and gains between 4
to 7 pounds a year during early childhood
(Pg. 161, Childhood Development, by Santrock). Researchers have found that
the three-year-old has the highest activity rate of any age group in the entire
human life span. Therefore, they tend to fidget a great deal. This is normal
behavior of the age group. Every child is hyperactive in this age group. Therefore,
do not punish this behavior. However, you can do a home test to determine whether
the activity may be beyond normal behavior. If a child 2-3 years can not sit
and watch a favorite TV program for 20-30 minutes or a 4-4 year old can not
watch a program for 40-60 minutes, you may need to have the child tested. You
should not feed 2-4 year olds “fast or junk” food; it is bad for
their bodies and makes the children more hyperactive. One way you can learn
what is normal behavior is to observe other children of the same age. Work
with the age group in church and you will have the opportunity to observe it.

This is the time for the surfacing of the child’s ego, “the Me”.
However, it is a fragile ego and parents must be careful how they handle it.
Bend but don’t break it (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21). It can be cute
and fun in its early development. At 2 years, they are very strong-willed and
focused on one thing, “my way”. The child is into everything and
authority is rarely unchallenged. With the development of the “I” personality,
comes self-assertiveness the “No!” with voice inflection. At the
age of three, the sort of curiosity learning emerges with the “whys?” Often,
behind the “whys” are fears; pay attention to the child’s
questions. Don’t over answer their questions.

If there are other children, there will be rivalry. Siblings of the same sex
fight more and with more hostility. It is normal for siblings to argue, but
should not be allowed to become physical. “Toy” disagreement can
teach privacy of property, cooperation of playtime, and how to resolve problems.
There is the establishing of independence with other peers or siblings where
you may hear “Mother, make him stop!”

Give simple chores to ages 3 to 4, but never give more than the child
is able to do at his age. You can orient the child to family life by
having him feed the pet. At first it will be fun, but later it will become
routine and he will not want to do it.

Never compare ability of one child to another. They are all created
unique. This period begins with what is called the terrible two’s
primarily because of the contest of wills. Some child psychologists have
dubbed this period as the first phase of “Adolescence”. But
it is just a phase and age and it too will soon pass. What is important
is to always be the loving parent.

Retention for Learning

By age five, the child’s brain has reached about 90% of its adult
size and weight compared to about 1/3 of the child’s body weight.
This is an enormous period for learning. The average child learns between
6-10 words a day. They will also pick up nasty words but do not reinforce
this by laughing or being too critical. The equivalent to this enormous
period of learning in regeneration and spiritual growth from infancy
to spiritual adulthood (1 Peter 2:2; Hebrews 4:13-14).

The child of this age group has a great imagination and may have an
imaginary friend. He or she may sometimes blame things he did on imaginary
friends or pets. This is also a period where word association becomes
images and symbols in conversations and drawings. This is a period of
short memory spans for learning new information. The right lobe of mentality
is developing the frame of reference, memory center, and vocabulary.
Therefore, repetition is necessary, but avoid nagging. “Burn-out” for
parents is a very big problem at this age. The French have a proverb; “a
baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase”.

This is a good time to introduce children to educational games and the
computer. This age child can begin to solve simple problems by intuitive
reasoning. They know what they know, but don’t know why they know
it. This is a good time for choices for the child, such as: Do you want
grapes or an apple?

Parents should be aware that the more children watch TV, the more they
are likely to become overweight. This is probably due to inactivity and
overeating. Parents should be aware of identifying learning problems
caused by physical disabilities (eyes, ears). This is the period for
toilet training. By age three, 84% are dry during the day but only 66%
are dry during the night. This should be a happy experience and not a
stressful experience for either child or parents. It requires patience
and time on the part of parents and the child. If toilet training is
overly strict before the proper age, it can produce what psychologist
call “anal personalities” in adults. The anal retentive personality
overemphasizes neatness, cleanliness, etc., and the anal personality
overemphasizes messiness, disorganization, and difficulty relaxing (American
Academy of Pediatrics, vol.3, # 1, 99).

This is the period for non-nutritional thumb sucking. The child makes
a natural transition from nutritional to non-nutritional sucking. By
ages 3-4, 84% are still sucking their thumbs. By age 4, 44% are still
sucking their thumbs. Teach your child how to use his/her hands and fingers
for creative things such as painting, coloring, playing ball, combing
the dolls hair rather than for sucking. You might get hand puppets for
you both and play games with them to teach the child to do this whenever
they get the urge to suck the thumb. Find a positive distraction that
the child likes.

Relationship with Family

This is a time for family and friends orientation. Weekly family special
time is important for this age group. It may seem difficult to manage
because of busy schedules, but it is essential. It will require one of
the parents to establish an agreeable weekly family time. This time may
vary from week to week. It may be a special hour at night just before
bedtime. It may include special weekend activities such as, Friday night
eating out, Saturday working in the yard, Sunday Church and afternoon
activity. It requires planning, cooperative, and commitment as a family.
The family who plays and prays together stays closer together. During
this age group, parents must understand that a house is a home to be
lived in by a very energetic child. Therefore, parents should come to
an agreement on the difference between messy and dirty. Then learn to
relax and enjoy rearing your child through this tornado period.

A child needs both parent’s attention and affection. A parent’s
attention and affection should be given as a gift to the child. The child
should never be made to feel he must earn a parent’s love. Our
heavenly Father teaches us this principle in Matthew 6:7-8, Luke 11:11-13,
and Romans 4:8. This is an important time for parents to become personally
involved in their child’s spiritual life (Deuteronomy 6:7). Take
them to church rather than send them to church.

Rules & Consequences for Discipline

Because of the short memory span, a ten-minute delay in discipline
instructions can disrupt the whole thing (such as a phone call). You
must address it immediately or it is lost until the next time.

This age group is capable of comprehending the repetition of simple
rules and consequence boundaries. They need boundaries. These boundaries
are important for this age because they are exploring the bigger world
around them, which can be very dangerous (such as playing in the street).
This age group has a 1 in 1000 chance of dying by an accident before
he reaches 16.

This is a time when the child may whine to manipulate you. The child
can be taught that this is unacceptable communication. You might teach
this to him by whining on occasions when he is talking to you normally.
Otherwise, he feels that you are mocking him and it can effect his developing
ego. Don’t mock him while he is doing it. However you can tell
him that whining is unacceptable communications and you will answer him
when he stops. You could use static of a radio to explain how whining
sounds when talking. Explain that you don’t understand what he/she
is saying because all you hear is static whining.

Parents often begin their children in children’s sports at this
age. This can be both a positive and negative experience. It can be positive
if it is fun, exercise, developing natural physical skills, learning
cooperation and competition and friendships. It can help the child learn
to play by rules and regulations. But, it can be negative when undo pressure
to achieve or unrealistic goals or physical injuries or parental interference
with a play time sport. Then it becomes all work and no fun. A parent
must be careful not to allow the child to lose normal playtime.

Light spanking with a loosely rolled newspaper for unacceptable misbehavior
or violating safety boundaries where physical injury or death could occur
is permissible. However, it should not be extreme nor over used. A little
pain goes a long way at this age!

Remember these eleven principles regarding discipline of this age:

1. Never use your hands, feet or teeth in discipline!

2. Never yell and yank to get child’s attention!

3. Never discipline in anger!

4. Always express parental discipline in love!

4. Always be in control of yourself before you try to be in control of your child!

6. Length of time-out is never greater than the age of the child (1
minute for each year of age)!

7. It is important for parents not to get distracted during time-out. They must deal with the child when their time is up. Don’t forget
the child!

8. It is important for the parent to explain why before and after discipline.

9. Parental love needs to be reinforced to assure the child that it
was bad behavior being discipline and not a bad child. He is always
an accepted child but with unacceptable behavior.

10. If the child violates time-out by willful defiance, then the child
could be spanked. You must instruct before and after the spanking.
Don’t send him back to time-out because it is over after spanking

11. Never get in a contest of wills with a 2-4 year old because you may
lose!

Fathers, do not exasperate your children,that they may not
lose heart.” (Colossians 3:21)

The Emerging of the Person

(Proverbs 4:1-2 )"Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father, And give attention that you may gain understanding, For I give you sound teaching; Do not abandon my instruction.”

This is the age of reasoning and the normal age group for the emerging of the
pre-adolescent child. This is also an enormous period of practical learning
as the child ventures into school, community, and church activities.

Proverbs 4:1-9 gives three points of instructional advice regarding
parenting through these years. They were given by David to his son Solomon
regarding the acquisition of wisdom. Three points of homiletical instructions
are given in this passage.

1. The acquisition of wisdom requires an indoctrination of sound teaching
(verses 1-2)

2. The acquisition of wisdom requires insight of that teaching (verses
3-5)

3. The acquisition of wisdom requires influence from the teaching (verses
6-9)

(Proverbs 4:7) "The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;
and with
all your acquiring, get understanding.”

Reasonable Behavior

Age 6-12 is the age of temperament and control. Do not try to change
his personality or temperament (you can’t), but you can modify
them. Teach the child to get along with other people. The child’s
temperament, which begins with the “Me”, now appears as the “I”.
This is referred to as the formation of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the
evaluative and effective dimension of the child’s self-concept,
self-worth and image. You may ask him, “what kind of ball-player
are you?” and he might answer, “a good one!” He would
be referring to a particular skill which he has as compared to other
kids on his team. Abraham Lincoln said, “It is difficult to make
people miserable when they feel worth of themselves.”

There are six things which parents can do to encourage a healthy self-esteem
in their children.

1. Express affection toward your child.

2. Be available to show genuine concern about a child’s view of
problems.

3. Create a harmonious home.

4. Be supportive of family especially your child’s activities.

5. Establish clear and fair rules and consequences.

6. Praise and Compliment the child’s achievements.

The child becomes very opinion conscious about himself and life on a
small scale. He is concerned about how everyone thinks about him—his
ego is emerging. Beware how you label children at this age (the type
of names you call him). Parents tend to call children by names at the
age of 9-12. Don’t use negative labels such as lazy, stupid, and
bad. Attack the problem without attacking the person. For example, you
might say, “Look your grades are slipping, what do you think we
should do about it?” Wayne Davenport of our church was coaching
a little league football team that was fair to poor in skill and attitude.
He did some simple things as the coach that resulted in championship
performance from this team. One thing was creating positive labels with
each member of the team. He took each individual weakness as a football
player on the team and made it into a positive label. One player was
slow and he labeled him flash. Soon everyone was calling him flash and
his speed was improving.

He is developing his own sense of humor, pranks and jokes. This is a “silly” age
group where everybody has a joke to tell; they love to laugh and giggle. They
may even have a little naughty humor to see how you react. You need to let
them express things and handle them moderately.

Because of skeleton and muscular growth, this age-group child is growing
on an average of 2 to 3 inches and 5 to 7 pounds per year. He will double
his body weight and strength during this period. Improvement in fine
motor skills can be a source of self-pleasure and accomplishment. Avoid
pain-oriented sport at this age unless the child is insistent.

Once again, nutrition and diet play an important part in his behavior
and growth. The leading cause of childhood death in the world is dehydration
and malnutrition resulting from diarrhea. Approximately, 70% of 40 million
children died from this in 1989. You might be surprised how much of your
child’s behavior is related to food. Smoking parents have children
with twice as many respiratory problems.

This is the age for building a playground to match the child’s
motor and cognitive skills. This is the age group for childish play.
This is the childhood you probably have fond memories. Play permits children
to work off excess physical energy and pent-up tensions. Parents tend
to take the childhood away by putting them in too many outside activities.
They no longer have time to come home and just play. Age 6-12 is the
age of super-hero play and fantasy; and is the child’s final period
for play. At this age, my brother-in-law’s hero was superman. He
had the full superman outfit with cape. One day while playing he went
onto the roof of the house to catch the bad guy below. He spread his
cape and leaped to capture the bad guys. The rest is medical history.
This is the age that Art Linkletter coined the TV phrase, “Kids
do the darnedest things!"

This can be a tremendous “burn-out” period for parents when
kids have too many outside activities. Don’t press children to
be over-achievers in these activities. There needs to be a reflection
on what the child wants; for example, you may want the child to take
dancing lessons, but she hates it.

Retention for Learning

This is the beginning of the achievement stage of learning and a major
factor for education. This age child still has a short memory; but during
this period, structured memory development begins. This age group adds
22 words per day to the vocabulary through school, community, church
and television. This is a period for repetition training; such as: “Take
out the garbage.” Although repetition is important, don’t
nag! Repetitive teaching addresses the personage while nagging attacks
it. Parents need to teach common sense to this age group; such as, “We
don’t do things like this when we get older because etc.” The
concentration span is increasing from about 10 minutes to 35 minutes
in this age group.

This is the age where the child is shy and withdrawn on one hand and
loud on the other hand. By the age of 6, you should have taught them
the difference between their inside and outside voice. —Don’t
holler in the house. Use your outside voice. It is a time of daydreaming
and pretending. Eye contact is very important when you are trying to
teach them.

Reinforcement and reward for good behavior is an essential part of parental
training. Charting the child’s activities and good and bad behavior
is helpful. This is the beginning of the child’s critical thinking.
Critical thinking is the ability to grasp the deeper meaning and the
ability to organize thoughts to conclusions; in other words his ability
to understand. Abstract learning is still difficult. It is important
for the child to finish what he starts—he must learn to complete
the task. Short workable goals are good to acquaint him with finishing
a task. It is important not to set unrealistic goals or achievements
beyond his ability. It will only make the child feel inferior when he
is unable to reach the goal.

Parents should pay close attention to learning disabilities at this
age (such as glasses). The U. S. Dept. of Education reports that there
are 2 million learning disabled children in America between the ages
of 3 and 21 years. Reading is very important to the future education
of this child. If your child is having difficulty in the area of reading,
address the problem as early as possible so that his education won’t
be hindered.

This is a period of the child’s observational learning from the
parents. They imitate parental behaviors and often without the parent
being aware of it. This is also true of teachers, older siblings, and
popular students in the class. In fact the most imitated person is the
popular student. Listen to what and whom this age group is talking about
as their circle of influence.

Relationship Ties

Children at this age need and want their parents to watch them perform
because they desire to achieve. Praise and compliments reinforce good
behavior and the desire to achieve. Do not attach the child’s self-worth
to performance whether good or bad. Avoid ridiculing his person because
of performance and don’t compare his performance to other people,
but only compare it to his own performance. Anything he does, no matter
how minor, is important to him. Be willing to sit through a 30-minute
program in order to see his 2-minute part. Remember that you never get
a chance to relive a special moment with your child. The biggest factor
of performance achievement is for the child to get to know himself and
the activity better.

This is still a period for family orientation with the addition of best
friends and slumber parties. Parents should get to know the best friends
and their parents before allowing the child to spend the night. Friendships
can be helpful for adapting a child to new experiences and environments.
This may be the last strong family orientation opportunity. It is important
for the family to play together. Never get too busy to play with this
age group. They need family playtime and this mean more than watching
television. It is wise to connect with other families with children of
the same age group and plan outings or cookouts.

Parents must teach children respect. You have to teach the 4-P’s
all the time at this age.

1. Respect privacy

2. Respect property

3. Respect parents

4. Respect their person (grooming)

Ages 10-12 is the time of peer grouping and influence. In a typical
school day, your child will interact with his peers 299 times.

This is the age to start teaching a child about how to manage and save
money. Open a bank account in the child’s name and teach him what
is involved with this account; such as: reconciling bank statements,
adding interest or deducting service charges.

These are the impressionable years for observation of adults and especially
their parent’s relationship. This age group loves to be around
happy families. When their parents aren't having fun, neither are
the kids. Let them see you hug and be affectionate about each other;
at times let them share in a hug. It reminds the child that he is a product
of that love. However, marital conflict can also have an impact on children.
Divorce can be devastating to both the child and parent causing both
to need counseling and support groups around them. A child’s misbehavior
can often be correlated to marital conflict. This is the age when many
marriages dissolve. This church is prepared to help in this matter.

You also teach children by the way you behave. If you give your child
a gift, never, never take it from him as a punishment. Teach your child
privacy by knocking on his door and having them knock on your door before
entering. The child should have household chores and should not be paid
for all of them in order to teach

This is an important time for Dad’s one on one involvement with
the children. Never tell your child you will be at a school play or other
event and not show up. Nothing is more important than your family. It
is the best investment of your life as a dad. It is important to learn
to be a good listener, as well as a good adviser. If you give the child
your time, give him your attention.

This is a time for spiritual training of your child. The majority of
conversions to Christianity occur during this age. If we attach our children
to the Lord, we have divine help and hope (2 Tim. 1:5; 3:15). Our church
included this age group in our summer youth camp (Southeastern Youth
Camp) in 1995. By 2001, it had grown to require its own campsite and
staff.

Rules & Consequences of Discipline

In Proverbs 22:15, the rod of discipline means that discipline has to
be administered properly and justly. In order for rules and consequences
to work effectively, there must be cooperation between parents regarding
the game plan of instructional discipline and spanking. This is the last
stage for effective use for spanking and you must be wise in using it.
Use it primarily for willful defiance of parental authority. The key
issue in all discipline is not how severe, but how consistent and fair.
You must be wise in the use of spanking for it is for learning, not punishment.
Spanking should never be used as the final act of frustration when all
else fails, but as a normal part of the discipline package. It is important
to define very clearly the boundaries of the rules and consequences for
what type of behavior that is expected.

Don’t make it up as you go. It may be helpful to chart misbehavior
in order to reinforce alternative acceptable behavior. Ask yourself,
does learning occur by changed behavior? That is what discipline is intended
to accomplish. Discipline is to teach a child that he is accountable
for his behavior. During discipline, never withdraw your love from the
child - God doesn't’t (Hebrews 12:6). Being a parent is a very
difficult job but rewarding.

Never use just one or two methods for discipline since there are many
that could be used for instructional discipline. There are at least six
methods that you can carry over into adolescence. These six methods can
be incorporated into your discipline package. Save your ace in the hole
for big discipline. Always ask, “what do I want to accomplish by
it?”

Logical Consequences: it has logical consequences to the poor behavior
(study and poor grades); better study habits or tutoring, charting progress.
Go talk to child’s teacher or have him tested in the subject to
determine real expectations.

Natural Consequences: it has natural consequences to the poor behavior
(goes outside without shoes when he is told not to and gets a nail in
his foot). The natural consequence is the pain of the nail and the shots.
Was the natural lesson learned?

Time out Consequences: time is taken away because of poor behavior with
the time given (fighting with a friend who is over playing). Time-out
always comes with a warning before hand; if this continues, your friend
will have to go home and you will have time-out. Chore wasn't’t done.
You ask what the child did with his time instead of the chore and take
that activity time away.

Privilege Consequences: special privileges are lost because of poor
behavior regarding them (talking on the phone instead of doing chores).
The loss of privileges has to line up with the poor behavior. Do not
take away privileges until you have tried other methods. If you do, you
will have nothing left to use and the child will go wild for he feels
he has nothing else to lose. Always have an avenue for the child to regain
privileges. Never take away church youth outings as a discipline.

Spanking Consequences: willful defiance of authority. Spanking is not
for punishment, but is for training. Never spank when you are angry.
Do not spank little girl’s bottoms; you could cause damage to her
female organs - spank her legs. Don’t spank with hands. Remember
it is not about pain to person but discipline of misbehavior.

Choice Consequences: child must choose between specific options (child
doesn't’t know what to wear and has a little fit). Lay out several
outfits and say, “If you have not made a choice in the next 10
minutes, I will make the choice for you.” then do it in 10 minutes.

There are three areas of reinforcements:

Positive Reinforcement rewards good behavior by adding
something to it. For example, you tell the child you want a better grade,
establish what grade the child is capable of receiving, chart daily and
reward with a star, compliment by reward and praise for doing homework,
etc. After 3 weeks, was there a grade improvement? If not, talk to the
teacher. If the grade was above what you expected, give the child an
extra reward. Do the same at the end of the six weeks.

Negative Reinforcement obtains good behavior by subtracting
something from the child. It becomes worth getting a good grade just
to get parent to stop nagging him. It works, but it is not the best method.

Punishment is the system of no reward and the least
attractive method. Bad grade may go up but bad behavior may show up in
other areas. It offers no alternate behavior. If none of these things
work, you will need to consult professional counseling.

Spiritual Training of Children

(Proverbs 22:6 )“ Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

The Bible places responsibility of the spiritual training
of children on Christian parents, grandparents and great grandparents
(2 Timothy 1:5; 3:15).

If you come from an abusive home, you can stop it from being passed
to the next generation (Proverbs 3:22). A biblical example of this principle
is the Second Exodus Generation. They recovered from spiritually dysfunctional
families (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Hebrews 3:7-11; Joshua 1:6-9).

American parents normally have 15 years of maximum influence on their
children (Proverbs 17:6). The word of God is to be passed on by Christian
parents to their children for as long as the children are under the parent’s
authority. God will keep the child there until you complete your job.
The child is not just there for rooming but for spiritual grooming. God
wants children trained under a divinely delegated system of authority.
Luke 2:41-48 tells how Jesus at age 12 had very faithful parents; yet,
even Jesus needed parents to train Him in discipline, boundaries, and
spiritual matters. Luke 4:16 describes Jesus’ behavior at age 30, “as
was His custom”. Please note His parents developed this custom.
A child who has had good authority training will have will have it much
easier in life.

Childhood is the ideal period for spiritual training. The Holy Scripture
must be taught at home as well as at Church

(John 5:39). The primary issue in spiritual training is to connect your child
with a relationship with Jesus Christ by believing that Jesus died for his
sins, was buried and raised from the dead (1 Corinthians 15:3-4; Romans 1:16).
Your children must be taught the importance of faith based prayer, walking
in the Spirit, and using bible doctrine in their decision making process.

The manner in which children are spiritually trained has a serious effect
on the course they choose for their lives. If your child is handling
a situation contrary to the Word of God, you need to instruct him (Deuteronomy
6:7). Proverbs 1:1-6 lists six things God promises to your child.

4. To give prudence to the naive, to the youth knowledge and discretion

5. A wise man will hear and increase in learning and a man of understanding
will acquire wise counsel

5. To understand a proverb and a figure, the words of the wise and their
riddles

The spiritual training of children involves discipline in love and instruction
in the Lord. Never, discipline your child when you are angry. Discipline
in love is intended to correct bad behavior not bad children. Every parent
starts out with a good child. When you finish, God still wants a good
child. Actually, this child does not belong to you; he was given to you
from God (Psalms 127:3). You must learn how to train a good child with
bad behavior. You must learn to address the misbehavior, without damaging
the spirit of the child. For example, never tell the child that he is
a bad boy or girl. Don’t confuse a good child with his bad behavior.
The secret of discipline of love is consistency and fairness. The child
who always gets his own way will bring shame to his parents (Proverbs
13:24; 19:15, 20; 2 Timothy 2:24-25).

You can destroy a child’s spirit by disciplining normal behavior
of his age. The parent’s attitude during discipline is as important
as the discipline (Hebrews 12:6). If it is done in anger, bitterness,
or projection of blame, it neutralizes the object lesson and will have
a negative effect on the child. Never use yell and yank discipline upon
your children. (Romans 13:1-7, Mark 7:20- 23; 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12;
Proverbs 13:24).

Storm, Stress, and Steering

Many cultures have a rite of passage from childhood to adulthood. For America,
it is adolescence. Adolescence is THE Latin word for growth. G. Stanley Hall
coined it in 1904 for the period between puberty and adult. Because of puberty
and the raging hormones, we are referring to this period as “the storm,
the stress, and the steering”.

Parents must become creative to keep the home as the center of the child’s
influence and interest. Peer pressure has an enormous affect on this
age group and often becomes more influential than parental pressure.

Solomon must have had this in mind when he wrote Proverbs 1:8-19. He handed down three pieces of advice from a parent to his adolescent.

The first piece of advice was to hear and obey his
father’s instruction and to not forsake his mother’s teaching
(verses 8-9). Parents need to instruct and teach (not nag) their children.

The second piece of advice was to not consent to peer
pressure misbehavior (verses 10-14). The adolescent should never choose
the advice of their peers over their parents because he will lose his
safety net

The third piece of advice was to not run with the
wrong crowd (verses 15-19). It only leads to destruction; the narrow
path seems less fun, but it is safer (1 Cor.15:33).

The average day in the USA regarding adolescent behavior is: 135,000
will carry guns into schools, 1,512 will drop-out of school, 6 will commit
suicide, 7,742 will become sexually active, 2,795 will get pregnant,
1,295 will give birth, 1,106 will get abortions, 372 will have miscarriages.
This was a typical day in the life of the American adolescent in 1990.

Reasonable Behavior

The adolescent needs enough rope to skip with, but not enough to hang
himself. Adolescence will be divided into two groups: ages 13-15 (without
wheels) and ages 16-17 (wheels, working, worldly).

Parents have to establish a child’s roots as well as wings. Dr.
James Dobson has referred to the adolescence period as arriving with
pimples on the face and leaving with a full beard on it. It is another
period of rapid growth change because of puberty. Such thing as oil,
sweat, and odor gland are signals that adolescence puberty has arrived.
The result is that adolescence is one of the largest consumers of shampoo,
soap, and deodorant. The adolescent becomes pre-occupied with his body
image. This very often results in eating disorders, such as, anorexia
and bulimia. Menarche occurs between ages of 10-15. Menarche is the rite
of passage for girls and gives the women of the family an opportunity
to bond as she goes into womanhood. This is a time when the women of
the family can have a special celebration for this rite of passage. This
allows them an opportunity to become teachers to the young women.

Girls tend to have a shorter childhood and a longer adolescence’s.
As she approaches puberty, talk to her about sexual matters. Girls tend
to develop physically and sexually about four years earlier than they
do emotionally. Therefore, they go through boy-crazy and fads earlier
than boys. They might want to date older boys during early adolescence
because boys their age seem silly and immature. This is not a smart thing
to do, because emotionally they are not ready to handle the older date.

Boys go into puberty when their voice starts to change and they start
getting warts. This is the time to talk to him about sexual matters.
The statistics listed at the beginning are signs of a very promiscuous
adolescence in America. In fact it is the highest of any Western world
country. It is two times higher than England, France, and Germany. It
is three times higher than Sweden. It is seven times higher than the
Netherlands. American teens are not saving sex for adulthood much less
marriage. It is reported that by age 17, 66% of the males and 50% of
the females have been sexual. By age 19, 86% of the males and 75% of
the females are sexual. 80% of the females who became sexual by age 14
become pregnant by age 18. Parents need to teach abstinence (1 Corinthians
6:18 -7:2). The home should teach their children all about sexual matters.

Because of puberty, this age group is referred to as a period of storm
and stress. They are typically moody with nervous habits such as: jittery
legs, nail biting, and twisting of hair. Adolescents like loud popular
music and long telephone conversations. Attention-getting behavior resurfaces
at this age especially during junior high. They have very egocentric
personalities. These are normal teens. These things will pass with time
and prayer.

Retention for Learning

There is usually a one-year grade slump during adolescence. It occurs
most often during the middle school or junior high years. Parents must
stay on top of the adolescents’ grade level progress. Parents should
be aware of the child’s achievement test grade level in grades
1, 3, 6 & 9. The child needs to be at grade level or better in every
grade. He must not be permitted to get behind it. He may need tutoring
and parental guidelines for study and extra-school curriculum. Severe
academic difficulty by the sixth grade is one predictor of delinquent
behavior by the ninth grade. 15% of adolescents will dropout of high
school. 52% of these dropouts will have a history of unemployment. 34%
of them will become part of the welfare society. In contrast, 75% of
high school graduates will have regular employment.

By the end of the 10th grade, parents should test their child’s
educational and vocational future realistically. Not everyone has the
aptitude or interest in college. If your child is not college material,
now is the time to enroll him in vocational courses offered by his high
school.

The nutrient most lacking in the adolescent’s diet is iron. This
age group commonly experiences iron-deficiency anemia and this may cause
him to appear lazy and lethargic.

This is the time to teach your adolescent to become self-reliant (cooking,
cleaning, ironing, grooming, manners, job interviewing, work ethics).
This is an extension of the common sense training begun during elementary
school.

Parents should take an active part in influencing their adolescent spiritually.
Spiritual training is most important during this age because it enables
them to resist peer advice and vice. Never use youth activities of the
church to discipline your adolescent! They are designed to help him work
through his problems spiritually.

This is a time of abstract thinking about themselves and their world.
It is also a time of conflict and confusion regarding themselves and
their world. For example, they might have one set of self-descriptive
behaviors for their family and church, another for their friends and
peers, and yet another for their dating. They can be sensitive and yet
insensitive, caring and yet uncaring, nice and yet naughty. They can
be a walking contradiction and this will pass with time and prayer.

Relationship Ties

There are two age groups that stretch parents to their limit: Pre-School
and adolescence.

The most reported areas of family conflict are chores, grades, sassy-mouth,
friends, and social activities (Proverbs 13:1-3; 18:6-7). This is a communication
gap during junior high and high school dealing with maturity vs. immaturity.
When the teen says, “You treat me like a child,” ask him, “What
age?” Parents are training for life and not just for a period.
Every day seems to be a day of conflicts and negotiations. It’s
a time of challenge of communication skills especially when the child
has a lot of “mouth”. How do you deal with sass? Parents
need to let young people express feelings and disagreement toward policy
and procedures without stamping feet and anger. They must learn diplomacy
and considerate of other people. The parent has to demonstrate the same
thing toward the teen. They should never get in conflicts over wills
or fights for control. A parent should tell the child that it’s
acceptable to express disagreement against the policy, but not to express
anger towards parent.

(Proverbs 14:29)“He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.”

Here are four tips for preparing the adolescent for the “real” world

1. Have the adolescent state the problem

2. Have him state his feelings about the problem.

3. Have him state how the parent can think differently about the problem.

4. Have the parent restate the policy and the reason for it.

Parents: You can’t solve the problem; you are only the listener.

One out of five homes with adolescents have repeated, intense, and stressful
conflicts. The key is how you deal with the conflicts so that you mutually
resolve the problem without dissolving the relationship.

It is a period of fads and fashion, which often becomes a conflict in
the home. Sometimes, the adolescent will choose a negative identity.
He will take the identity of the opposite of what is expected of him
by his family. Sometimes, this is due to a fad or peer pressure. It’s
a fad and will fade with time and prayer. This is a time when he goes
through a struggle of autonomy and a search for self-identity as an emerging
adult. Bible doctrine can help both of you find great encouragement and
wisdom during this time.

This is the time when parents have to have a sense of humor! It is a
time when the adolescent ventures further away into the community and
may socialize with people you don’t know. They will be dealing
and maybe dating people you don’t know. You can’t keep up
with your children all the time and will live by this prayer, “Father,
take care of them, protect with them, and give me the patience to take
how you deal with them.”

The typical adolescent spends 103 minutes a day in interaction with
friends compared to 28 minutes with parents. Even though it may not appear
to be so, adolescents desire to be securely connected to a loving family.
In fact, most of this age compares ideal norm and standards to their
parents. They are often critical of the parent’s flaws because
it bursts their bubble. Divorce is terrible for the adolescent because
teens feel family relationship stress more than anyone does.

Parents have to work hard to be the center of influence during adolescence;
it is the home vs. the world. The home must win this battle. However,
to prevent losing him to the world, it will take creative planning on
the parent’s part; which includes friends and activities (backyard
BBQ; video parties; group picnics; special holiday parties, etc.).

This is a time for dating relationships and parental policies. Parents
should begin to talk about them at least two years beforehand. In the
U.S.A., the average age for dating is 14-15.

You would be wise to have three general policies for dating:

1. Allow social group dating in junior high.

2. Allow double dating the first years of high school.

3. Allow single dating at driving age.

By establishing these policies for dating it allows the parent to relinquish
some of the control and allows the adolescent some autonomy based on
good decisions with the policies. However, you must have fair rules and
consequences with sensible boundaries. Parents should get my booklet
entitled, "Dating, Diamonds, and Diapers".

Rules & Consequences for Discipline

Parents must remain calm in order to steer the adolescent through the
storm and the stress of growing up. It takes about 11 years for the USA
teens to enter adulthood (13 + 11= 24 years). This is why there is another
age group of 18-24 years in this series. By understanding the length
of time for maturing, the parent is able to develop a short and long-range
program.

There are three problem areas of adolescence which need parental steering
because they can be life threatening: alcohol and drugs (illegal, addictive
and deadly); sex (pregnancy, STD, AIDS); poor grades and dropout of school
(unemployment, delinquency). There must be rules and consequences to
cover these things should be clearly spelled out (Proverbs 20:1; 23:17-21).

1. Statistics report that thirteen million (13,000,000) alcoholics established the habit during adolescence.

2. Alcohol
is implicated in most fatalities and maiming auto accidents involving
drivers under the age of 21

3. USA adolescents have the highest rate
of drug use among the industrial nations.

4. More than one million (1,000,000) teenage girls get pregnant per year.

5. Teen marriages have
a three times greater divorce rate than marrying at twenty.

6. 47% of arrests for serious crimes, such as: murder, assault, and
robbery occur under the age of 21.

7. The majority of these teenagers have delinquent
profiles starting in the sixth grade.

Permissive training does not provide stability for either the parent
or the adolescent. Either extreme of being too permissive or too strict
isn't’t good. Children need to know that when out of the sight of
parents, they are still accountable. They need to know that the eyes
of the Lord are in every place (Proverbs 6:21-23; 15:3). Ecclesiastes
11:9 tells young people that it is wonderful to be young. Enjoy every
minute of it! Do all you want; take in everything, but understand that
you must account to God for everything you do.

Parents need to be aware of how to discipline teens apart from spanking.
Spanking and physical force for willful defiance is an ineffective method
of discipline because all you teach them is an adult form of violence.
It does not properly prepare your adolescent for confrontation in the
adult world. Spanking is an effective method for the Pre-School and elementary
periods to prepare the child for adolescence (Proverb 29:15-17).

Avoid verbal battles with your children. Parents are warned not to provoke
or arouse anger in a child (Ephesians 6:4 ). Anger solves nothing and
makes the situation worst. You must overcome anger quickly (Ephesians
4:26). You should not suppress, repress it or express anger. However,
you should confess it (1 John 1:9). Parents must be quick to listen and
understand and slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19-20).

The use of logical consequences, natural consequences, time-out consequences
(grounding on a larger scale) privilege consequences, and choice consequences
are still applicable. Let the teen be part of the policy making of rules
and consequences. Teen discipline of himself is often worse than parent
might impose. Make sure the consequence is fair and consistent. Be sure
to listen when the child says that you are not fair. Meanness in a child
is a learned behavior (Proverbs 19:26-27).

It is important for the parents to identify multiple behavior disorders.
Any time two or more of the following behavioral disorders occur in a
prolonged period, the parent should seek professional help (School Truancy,
Run-Away, Gang Violence, Breaking and Entering, Excessive Fighting, Destruction
of Property, Alcohol and Drug Use and Accidents, Attempted Suicide, Willful
and Unmanageable Defiance of Authority, and Shop-Lifting). A multiple
behavioral disorder describes a delinquent adolescent.

(Proverbs 4:10-12)“Hear, my son, and accept my sayings, And the years of your life will be many. I have directed you in the way of wisdom: I have led you in upright paths. When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; and if you run, you will not stumble.”

The Way He Should Go

We began this series by quoting Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the
way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Young
adult is the period of transition from direct parenting to indirect parenting
of an adult child. This is usually a big transition time for both in what has
been coined, “the empty nest syndrome”. The child becomes a young
adult with his own wings capable of flying away from the home nest. What a
child does with his life after he is out of direct instructional care is up
to him. He has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences.

Solomon had this age group in mind when he wrote Ecclesiastes 11:7-10.
He advised young adults to live life to the fullest but not without God
and not without divine guidance.

In Ecclesiastes 11:7-8, Solomon tells the young adult that there will
be many meaningless days of young adult. These are days that do not necessarily
make his life significant for having experienced them. However, they
may be enjoyable and uneventful and do not change life one way or another.

(Ecclesiastes 11:9)“ Be happy while you are young and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.” In other words,fly and soar with your young, strong wings but be careful that you do make youthful mistakes which could jeopardize your future happiness.”

In Ecclesiastes 11:9-10, Solomon warns young adults that there could
be some hidden dangers in these meaningless days. He warns that they
still need guidance. We call this indirect parenting or giving advice.
There are hidden dangers because sometimes these meaningless days involve
activities and decisions, which result in anxiety and pain from poor
judgment. To this Solomon remarks, “Follow the way of your heart
but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment.” In
other words, the young adult should be held accountable for the consequences
of his choices as a young adult. According to Galatians 6:6-7, the inescapable
divine law of adult life is that you reap what you sow.

Reasonable Behavior

In America, we traditionally consider graduation from high school as
the rite of passage to adulthood. Independence is normal at this age.
The young adult desires and demands independence and separate identity
as an adult. This occurs for the first time when he leaves home for college
or the military or to get his own apartment. Many times he is ill prepared
when the time comes for him to be pushed out of the home “nest”.
Therefore, it is important to begin early preparing the young adolescent
for his solo flight. This is often an area of conflict because he wants
independence without responsibilities. He wants it all - no rules
and no rent. He has to learn that he can’t have his cake and eat
it too.

Training is still going on but parents are now dealing with adults.
The parent can advise but not run the young adult’s business. Parents
walk a fine line rearing a young adult. This is a transition time where
house rules have to change. Now, out of respect for parents, the young
adult should tell what time they will be home. Young adults are still
responsible for chores around the home such as washing and ironing own
clothes, cleaning bedroom and bathroom. A whole new attitude has to happen
in parents. Parents can’t treat them like little children and expect
them to act like adults. Parents have to step back and stop trying to
rule their lives. If they are making errors in judgment, pray for God’s
intervention to bring them back to His will. This adjustment is usually
harder for parents than the young adult child. Young adulthood has been
described as a ship in harbor ready to set sail on the voyage of life.
The young adult could be a prodigal before he leaves home. In Luke 15:11-32,
from the parent’s side, a father’s prayer was that God would
bring him to his senses. Only a prodigal child can get rid of a prodigal
attitude and life style. The important part of parenting the young adult
is to offer guidance and preparation so that he doesn't’t shipwreck
before leaving the harbor. Then, stand back and proudly wave Bon Voyage!
This is especially difficult for the mother because of Adamic Curse of
Gen. 3:16. The husband will need to be especially sensitive to minister
to the wife-mother in love. In 1 Peter 3:7 and Ephesians 5:25-33, the
husband is told to love his wife unconditionally and nurture and cherish
her.

This is a time when flying and soaring on his own can be dangerous;
when a bad decision can have serious and lifelong consequences attached
to it. Here are five areas of warning.

80% of the girls who become sexually active by the age of 14 become
pregnant by age 18.

Sexually transmitted disease (STD) among those under the age of 25
account for 3/4 of all reported cases

75-80% of young adult’s experiment with illegal drugs, which
impair cognition, distorts morals, and result in many types of interpersonal
problems.

One of every 40 American males will die a violent death between the
ages of 15 to 35. They will die primarily from accidents, suicide,
and homicide.

Blacks are only half as likely to commit suicide as whites,
but are 6 times more likely to be murdered and 94% of the time by another
black.

Parents are usually more concerned with the application of learning
than with the capability of learning in their young adult. They are concerned
with their getting a job or college education. If the young adult has
the academic aptitude for college but is uncertain as to where or why,
parents might consider junior college or a two-year vocational career.
If he does not have the aptitude or desire for college, you might encourage
him to acquire a skilled trade. Skilled labor is very good today and
many companies will train young people. Every girl needs to be self-supporting
through education and/or job skill. She may one day have to be the sole
supporter of her family (illness or death of husband or divorce). The
time to prepare for college is in junior high and with the right planning,
anyone can afford to attain a college degree.

This is a time of transition thinking from adolescence to adult. The
meaning of being an adult is becoming less self-centered and more committed
to personal responsibilities.

This is the time to advise your young adult on at least five responsibilities regarding
money starting with their first job.

1. Earning money

2. Spending money

3. Saving money

4. Security and investing money

5. Spiritual and charity giving of money

Parents need to teach financial responsibility. They should be told,” If
you spend all your money today, you won’t have any tomorrow, because
I’m not lending you any”. Parents should be wise when co-signing
notes with their young adult children. For example, your young adult
may not be a wise financial investment if he does not have steady employment.
Parents need to remember the lesson which the young adult needs to learn
in this business transaction (he must be responsible for his debts) which
will prepare him for the adult world of finances. The young adult needs
to know how to make investments for the future and “rainy days” (such
as a home, retirement or car trouble, doctor bills, etc.) The secret
is to save a certain amount each and every week or month and let your
money work for you. They also need to be taught about spiritual giving
and connecting God and money. God gives us money to live on and money
to invest in God’s work and kingdom. God will give us a surplus
and we are to share that surplus with others. Surplus could be more than
just money. Spiritual giving could also consist of giving clothes and,
household goods with the less fortunate. Advise about credit cards and
their downfall. They are debts and not money. But it’s their decision
and you won’t bail them out if they get in trouble.

This is a time for serious discussion about marriage and the realities
of life associated with it. Christian parents should encourage their
children to not marry while in their teens. The divorce rate is two times
greater than if they waited until in the twenties. They should be legally
independent. Parents should tell them that when they get married he is
on your own. “Are you mature enough to be on your own and make
by yourself?” The Bible teaches that marriage is a time for children
to leave their parents and to be joined to mate (Matthew 19:4-6; Ephesians
5:31-33). It also teaches that Christians are only to marry Christians
(2 Corinthians 6:14-18; 7:39). If parents have disagreements regarding
the marriage of their children, have your say before the wedding not
after it (Matthew 19:6)

This is the time for parents to minister to young adults. Share Bible
doctrine that can be applied to their situation. But most importantly,
live your doctrine and show by example (Philippians 4:8-9; Ecclesiastes
12:1).

Relationship Ties

Parents must remember that letting go means helping the young adult
become responsible adults. Remember also, that they do not have to move
away from home in order to become responsible adults.

This is a time when young adults don’t like to be preached at
regarding their choices and decisions. They hate being told, “I
told you so.” It also shuts down communication.

This is a time when parents could see some fruit of their training especially
in their child’s spiritual life (2 John 4; 3 John 3-4)

(Proverbs 23:24)“The father of the righteous will greatly
rejoice, and he who begets a wise son will be glad in him.
Let your father and your mother be glad and let her rejoice who gave birth to you.”

Young adults often feel left out in the Church family. They feel that
they are too old for the teens and not old enough for the married adults.
This is an excellent time for them to become involved in church service
groups such as, Junior and Senior High programs, Christian drama and
music ministries, community Bible studies, and camps. We have started
a special ministry for young adults. They need to be encouraged and trained
for spiritual leadership. Joseph is a good example of this the importance
of young adult ministry (Gen. 39:1-6). The Lord was with Joseph and he
became a successful adult leader.

Mark Twain described this period when he wrote, “When I was a
boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the
man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he
had learned in 7 years.”

Rules and Consequences

As young adults, parents have to give their children the freedom to
make their own choices. This does not mean that you are necessarily giving
your approval but allowing the freedom for choice and consequence. God
has given parents of young adults a good example of parenting in the
Adam and Eve story of Genesis. The quest for independence and freedom
of choice and God’s rules and consequences are sometimes not without
confrontation (Genesis 2:16-17; 3:14-19).

Young adults will make their mistakes and parents must not be too quick
to fix volitional mistakes nor too quick to sit in judgment on non-volitional
ones.

A good policy for parents might be never say never unless it is Scriptural.
Never shut a door that cannot be easily opened from both sides. Remember
the story of the Prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). However, the parent should
not pay or support their follies but should be there to help them in
their painful recovery.

(Proverbs 17:25)“Foolish son brings grief to his father
and bitterness to the one who bore him.”

This is a time of family transition and adjustment. One in 5 family’s
engage in and stressful conflict during later adolescence (Proverbs 17:17-20).
Do not ever get physical or threaten. As a parent, you may be wondering
why you are going through this turmoil. God is trying to teach parents
that you can’t parent without Him. This too, will pass with time
and prayer (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Romans 8:28; 1 John 5:14-15).

My prayer is that your parental training has prepared your young adult
for The Way He Should Go. (Ecclesiastes 12:1)

Final Comments

Solomon was a wise man when he wrote,
“ Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord.” (Psalms 127:3)

For parents to appreciate the full meaning of this statement, they need a personal
relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. A person enters into a personal
relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ by faith.(Ephesians 2:8-9)“ For by grace you have been saved through faith;and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast.”

When a person believes that Jesus Christ died to forgive and cleanse him from
all his sins and that Jesus was buried and raised from the dead on the third
day to give him eternal life, he enters into a personal relationship with
the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:3-4; Romans 1:16) And The Word of God says that you can know that you have been saved.(1 John 5:13)“These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, in order that you may know that you have eternal life.”

Christian parents are instructed to bring their children up in the discipline
and instruction of the Lord.(Ephesians 6:4)“And Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Christian parents are instructed to not exasperate their children by their
method of training.(Colossians 3:21)“Fathers, do not exasperate your children,that they may not lose heart.”