{3:30 minutes to read} A close friend tells you she/he is getting married. Your first words would probably be “Congratulations, I am so happy for you!”

A close friend tells you that a loved one just died. You would probably say, “I am so sorry for your loss.”

However, if that same friend tells you he/she is getting a divorce, what do you offer?

“Congratulations” or “Condolences”?

The best answer is probably to say neither of those but to simply acknowledge their difficult time. A supportive smile, a hug, or a word or two — “I want to be there for you” — may be just the right thing.

Divorce can be a very lonely experience, and people going through that experience are often afraid of losing what they have been surrounded with all along: family, friends, and money. In addition during these stressful times, the little things that we automatically do in our daily lives may now feel overwhelming.

Here are some ways in which you may be able to help:

Let your friends know that you are there for them: being there for someone may be just listening, or helping with some of the daily smallest tasks. People may ask for an opinion, but often it’s just because they need a sounding board — not necessarily because they want to be told what to do.

Reassure them that you will give your support in any way you can. This does not mean that you have to be available 24/7, but that if needed, you will make time for them. Sometimes making a concrete offer of a time and day may be better than a “call if you need anything.”

Recognize that this is a hard situation; feeling that someone just understands how bad it is can be of great support.

Offer to help with the children, running errands, bringing food, or doing household tasks.

Remind them frequently that they are not alone, that you are there to help.

To the divorcing person: For many people, being confronted with a friend’s divorce can make them uncomfortable and think about their own marriage being less than perfect. This alone may keep them at a distance. And rather than simply saying, “How can I help you?” they retreat into silence, leaving you feeling rejected.

To the friends: When one is experiencing the pain of divorce, it is often difficult to analyze the feelings you as a friend may be having, and to understand that you don’t know what to say. They are probably wondering why you are not reaching out as they would expect you to.

Have you had close friends going through a divorce? Can you share with us some advice on how you have helped them or been there for them?

jennifer safian. divorce and family mediatordivorce and family mediation
upper east side of manhattan (nyc)
new york, ny
(212) 472-8626
info@safianmediation.com
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what people are saying

“Thank you Jennifer for guiding us through our mediation and divorce. I had no knowledge of what to do or expect. I was guilty of believing these myths. Thanks for a fightless, smooth agreement.”– Safian Mediation Client

“I wish I had known that mediation even existed before we went and spent all that time and money on legal fees and got nowhere. Thank you for helping us work things out in such a short time.”– B.

“Jennifer Safian is a remarkable mediator. She is able to combine realism and compassion and she brings both to the mediation table. Her intelligent and thoughtful approach empowers parties to be the very best they can be when crafting a divorce agreement, focusing on the best interests of all involved including the children.”– Jenny Besch, Director, Mediation Center Serving Westchester & Rockland Counties

“Thank you so much for your help through our separation. As difficult as it is, you have been such a calm and reassuring force.” – A.F.

“I wanted to thank you for being such a help in this situation. It might not seem like you’ve done much but just having you there in the room changed everything – really. I do understand that its not your job to take sides and that its important for you to remain impartial. I do wish it were possible to show you, though, how radically different that conversation was just because you were there listening.”– MB.

Mediation

Satisfaction For You Both

In mediation, you can be as creative as you wish to be. Only you know the specifics of your lives, what works for you and what does not. As your mediator, I’m there to help you “think outside of the box”, if necessary, sometimes coming up with non traditional answers, but answers that will satisfy not only your financial needs but your emotional needs as well.