Koala Dung Earrings Are a Real Piece of Shit

Sometimes you don’t know what’s missing in your life until you see it. Such is the case with earrings made out of koala feces sold by the True Blue Roo Poo Company, an Australian business that specializes in making products out of animal poop. For the low price of $20 you can own a pair of plain brown drop-style earrings, or you can splurge and get koala pellets covered with 23-carat gold leaf for $35, which is surely the bargain of the year.

After poking around the internet to learn more about koala caca, I came across a site called Diary of a Koalawrangler, written by a woman who cares for injured koalas in Port Macquarie. According to her blog, koalas excrete “uniformly shaped pellets” that look “almost mechanically produced” (except for when they have diarrhea, of course). And their shit truly doesn’t stink—thanks to the eucalyptus leaves they chew, the scent of their poo is “barely distinguishable from the general eucalyptus haze that prevails in an intensive [koala-]care unit.”

The bad news is that after I placed our order for the earrings, I was informed the item was no longer available. Pissed off about the shitty situation, I found True Blue Roo Poo’s phone number and called them to give them a piece of my mind. Why were they out of koala shit that was designed to hang from your earlobes, and when the fuck would they have more? A heavily accented woman answered, muttering something about her sister, and hung up. We called back, and before we could say anything, the woman screeched, “You be careful! Don’t call this number. Goodbye.”