Father Absence, Father Deficit, Father Hunger

According to the 2007 UNICEF report on the well-being of children in economically advanced nations, children in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. rank extremely low in regard to social and emotional well-being in particular. Many theories have been advanced to explain the poor state of our nations’ children: child poverty, race and social class. A factor that has been largely ignored, however, particularly among child and family policymakers, is the prevalence and devastating effects of father absence in children’s lives.

First, a caveat: I do not wish to either disparage single mothers or blame non-residential fathers for this state of affairs. The sad fact is that parents in our society are not supported in the fulfillment of their parental responsibilities, and divorced parents in particular are often undermined as parents, as reflected in the large number of “non-custodial” or “non-residential” parents forcefully removed from their children’s lives, as daily caregivers, by misguided family court judgments. My target of concern is those responsible for laws and policies that devalue the importance or, to use an old-fashioned word, the sanctity of parents in children’s lives, and parental involvement as critical to children’s well-being. Children need both parents, and parents need the support of social institutions in regard to being there for their kids.

Despite President Obama’s 2011 Father’s Day lament on the irresponsibility of “deadbeat fathers” footloose and fancy free from taking responsibility for their children, in fact the two major structural threats to fathers’ presence in children’s lives are divorce and non-marital childbearing. More often than not, fathers are involuntarily relegated by family courts to the role of “accessory parents,” valued for their role as financial providers rather than as active caregivers. This view persists despite the fact that fathers in two-parent families, before divorce, typically share, with mothers, responsibility for the care of their children. This is both because fathers have taken up the slack while mothers work longer hours outside the home, and because fathers are no longer content to play a secondary role as parents. Most fathers today are keen to experience both the joys and challenges of parenthood, derive satisfaction from their parental role, and consider active and involved fatherhood to be the core component of their self-identity.

Whereas parents in general are not supported as parents by our social institutions, divorced fathers in particular are devalued, disparaged, and forcefully disengaged from their children’s lives. Researchers have found that for children, the results are nothing short of disastrous, along a number of dimensions:

-children’s diminished self-concept, and compromised physical and emotional security (children consistently report feeling abandoned when their fathers are not involved in their lives, struggling with their emotions and episodic bouts of self-loathing)

-behavioral problems (fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behavior problems; many develop a swaggering, intimidating persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness)

-truancy and poor academic performance (71 per cent of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father absent homes are more likely to play truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood)

-delinquency and youth crime, including violent crime (85 per cent of youth in prison have an absent father; fatherless children are more likely to offend and go to jail as adults)

-promiscuity and teen pregnancy (fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with sexual health, including a greater likelihood of having intercourse before the age of 16, foregoing contraception during first intercourse, becoming teenage parents, and contracting sexually transmitted infection; girls manifest an object hunger for males, and in experiencing the emotional loss of their fathers egocentrically as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men)

-exploitation and abuse (fatherless children are at greater risk of suffering physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, being five times more likely to have experienced physical abuse and emotional maltreatment, with a one hundred times higher risk of fatal abuse; a recent study reported that preschoolers not living with both of their biological parents are 40 times more likely to be sexually abused)

-life chances (as adults, fatherless children are more likely to experience unemployment, have low incomes, remain on social assistance, and experience homelessness)

-future relationships (father absent children tend to enter partnerships earlier, are more likely to divorce or dissolve their cohabiting unions, and are more likely to have children outside marriage or outside any partnership)

-mortality (fatherless children are more likely to die as children, and live an average of four years less over the life span)

Given the fact that these and other social problems correlate more strongly with fatherlessness than with any other factor, surpassing race, social class and poverty, father absence may well be the most critical social issue of our time. In Fatherless America, David Blankenhorn calls the crisis of fatherless children “the most destructive trend of our generation.” A recent British report from the University of Birmingham, Dad and Me, confirms Blankenhorn’s claims, concluding that the need for a father is on an epidemic scale, and “father deficit” should be treated as a public health issue.

We ignore the problem of father absence to our peril. Of perhaps greatest concern is the lack of response from our lawmakers and policymakers, who pay lip service to the paramount importance of the “best interests of the child,” yet turn a blind eye to father absence, ignoring the vast body of research on the dire consequences to children’s well-being.

What is the solution to father absence? Many fathers’ advocates have stressed the need for fast, low-cost, effective ways for non-residential parents to have their court-ordered parenting time enforced. While access enforcement is important, legislating for shared parenting would be a more effective measure to ensure the ongoing active involvement of both parents in children’s lives. A legal presumption of shared parenting would affirm the primary role of both parents, and make clear that even in the absence of a spousal relationship, both mothers’ and fathers’ parental responsibilities to their children’s needs are “sacred,” and therefore deserving of full legal protection and recognition.

What are the consequences in families where the fathers are physically present but emotionally absent or passive, not caring to be involved with their children's lives, even though they may be in the home physically?

Before and after divorce, children need both parents to be physically and emotionally attuned, involved and responsive in their lives. Young children in particular need regular interaction with each of their parents as attachment figures, as relationships with both mothers and fathers are psychologically important. Emotional attachment and availability are, more than anything else, crucial to children's emotional security and comfort, and this is what fathers (and mothers) need to provide their children.

There is no question that many fathers are not emotionally present or available for their children, and worse, abrogate their responsibilities with respect to not only children's emotional well-being, but also to their basic physical needs, and this has a profoundly negative impact on children's well-being.

But the majority of fathers don't fit that stereotype of the "deadbeat dad," and I am challenging that stereotype. In the majority of cases, fathers want to be actively involved as active caregivers and attachment figures, but are prevented from doing so. The causes of fatherlessness have more to do with anti-father attitudes within judicial and social welfare institutions than irresponsible fathers.

When my daughter was two I signed my rights away to her aunt. At the time I was having multiple seizures and could not even take care of my self. Until 4 years ago I was having seven to fifteen seizures a week. On September 24 of 2012 I moved out on my own I have been seizure free four years and on my own for almost three years now. I recently bought her a bike and was able to give it to her. I was told I could bye he birthday presents then her aunt changed her mind she said the school councilor told her it was a bad idea. I want to be a part of her life and so does my family but her aunt will not allow it.

You are hardly an absent Father. I think of absent fathers as those who willingly, willfully, and intentionally remain absent from thier children. I don't believe you fit that bill and I think it's pretty sad that your daughters Aunt would keep her from you because that will effect her later in life. My advice to you is to gain legal action against the Aunt...if for nothing more than visitations with your child. I would have all medical records copied for a court case and your lawyer.

I very much want to raise my children. Their narcissistic mother took advantage of me being in the military and being stationed thousands of miles away. After waiting for her for two years I told her I would be filing for divorce. She responded with the silver bullet ( order of protection). You can probably guess how the rest of the story goes. $40,000 in attorney cost to be reduced to a visitor and she gets a part of my military pension. How's that for insult to injury? She abandons me, ruins my career, takes my children from me, and I get 4 days a month. Your welcome America...glad I could give you 20 years of my life along with the right to raise me kids.

Ben, really feel for you, the only thing left to get the trifecta is if she decides to play happy families with another guy and tries to erase you from your kids life. What you have written is condition normal for the family court system and yet strangely they cannot see the double standards that they have in place. Apparently they will tell you that the kids come first...yet actively involve them selves to limit or eradicate you from your children's lives......Your very own children & you are told you either can't see them anymore or you get a couple of days here or there. I would like to know since when did children become the sole property of their mothers?.....It truly is a disgusting system.
They only want the father as a wallet.....nothing more. The family court system is based on bean counters that milk the father so the government doesn't have to pay....using the children as ransom to ply their ugly trade.
All I can say to you Ben for your own health is to forgive all involved,.....not for them,.....but for you,....so you can heal.
I was once advised to let go of the rope, the same advice I leave for you. Anger only kills the holder. I wish you well.

Most men actually fulfill most of the qualities of the 'deadbeat dad'. They have lawyers up the wazoo, for everything from drunk driving to sexual assault & divorce! They are so busy planning and contriving behind the scenes, they not only neglect their children, but their wives. Most men are "too busy" working 'overtime', dealing with fall-outs at work, spending every single extra dollar on rebuilding old automobiles and seeking out other women for sexual favors, including prostitutes.
These are the same men that demand only a certain amount be spent on clothing, food and school supplies. Anything over that, women are treated as employees, and have to make a convincing case for their "raise" or be outright declined. These are also the same men that are offended if the woman wants to go to work for control of her money and to provide needs or medicine for the children. Because the father tells the children over and over that doctors (and mom) are stupid and know anything! These men also brainwash the kids into believing that mom is crazy and only to eat in his presence so he can make sure that mom is not trying to poison them. All of this while he tries to convince us kids he loves us by forcing himself on us and tells us we should be thankful that their father loves them this much.
Food was scarce - only because Mom had to be extremely creative to make meals that would go around under his control & limited funds. School lunches were the worst. To this day, I am stressed out about my lack of healthy eating and what to eat, worried about how much it will cost and how to make the strict food budget work out.
I grew up with a father and it severely affected my entire being. I will never know the innocence, or stress-free, fun-loving, excitement of being a child. I will never know how my mother to be happy and free to love us the way she wanted to, because he destroyed us all, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
Ironically, your colleagues; doctors, as you call yourselves; sided with my father, (the man who constantly insisted that you doctors don't know anything and could not correctly diagnose anything if it got up and hit you in the face), and completely and totally destroyed my mother's life and every single one of we children's lives - forever. All in the name of money! Everything you 'doctors' believe & write is about making more money, about holding on to the perverse, paternalistic attitude of the courts, judges, police, and social workers, all who do nothing without asking "what's in it for me?" More money, more attention, more recognition?
FACT: It has absolutely NOTHING to do with what is best for the children! Never has it ever been in this biased paternalistic world, & you are working hard to keep the norm!
How do you sleep at night? With guilt paid off by rolls of cash! It must get pretty lumpy in that bed of yours!

First off Dave, you must be a momma's boy because even if your father was the way he was, guess who chose him?

Secondly, all men don't have resources like that in most of these custody matters like your father, so to make hasty generalizations make you appear weak, illogical, and less empathetic to the plight of real father's that fight tooth and nail against this crooked family court system that drains resources as a way to determine a "deadbeat dad"...

Make a real argument looking at both sides, you know not just from your subjective viewpoint...try a little logic built on empathy and objectivity, not just your emotions little boy because you might just experience what's in this article one day...

Jack, just be careful when you read weird stuff like "Davina", feminists have now taken to hijacking forums with fake online male profiles pushing their agenda.
That's how duplicitous women can be doing things like this, they think they'll have men falling back to their feminist party line rhetoric by doing so,...they are in essence trying to stop men from speaking out as to how absurd the situation is for us in family courts & the notion that all women are just wonderful.

When I wrote about my experiences, despite my anger, I knew it was important that it be balanced. Whilst I can't forgive the lies I was told, I can at least now understand why they were told. Or at least a best guess. People have commented that they were very surprised that, despite what I went through, I'm actually very honest about what happened and not putting the blame on just one person.

You can read or listen to my story - available in all formats - Access Denied by David E. Gates.

Even if your story is true, it is exactly that, your story,...from a bygone age. My mother was as crap as your father, my father was the good one. In today's age the pendulum has swung to totally favor the mother in all things,....she'd still be awarded the kids even if she was a drug addicted street whore.
Growing up I saw more crazy neurotic mothers than I did fathers. Women in general are duplicitous by their very nature. There are some gems but not many.

I am amazed how venemous men get if the word deadbeat is used. My theory..if it offends you...you are one. I am trapped in australia with my kids and all rights stripped from us. I was abused and the kids dealing w a sociopathic deadbeat. We cant even visit family in america and i am constantly exhausted doing it all in a country i now hate while deadbeat doesnt work except cash in hand and brags about his indulgences...he is robbing the children of our family in america...a chance at middle class living and where was he today on fathers day??? No where. If you are manning up and doing the right things make no excuses for petering out on your responsibilities. If you are a louse deadbeat..be proud of it. As robin williams said in movie ' you are either a smoker or nonsmoker..there is no inbetween so have the ....s to get off the fence and be what you are. '! Excuses are for the weak. Thank god i am a strong woman. I haveto be. Ex is weak and destructive....

Interesting that only "deadbeat" fathers get locked up for non payment.
Deadbeat mothers NEVER see a day in prison and statistically there are many more deadbeat mothers in arrears.
There are many cases in the USA whereby men proven NOT to be the paternal father are rotting in jail for non payment,...for a child that is not even theirs,...wtf.
Statistics also show far & away the vast majority of men pay.
Feminized legal system is an absolute injustice.

There is also the issue that if a father is of an international marriage, then you will find their right to stay is removed.
try fighting a religous court that wants to preserves the idea that a mother is gentle passive victim and not believe that a mother can be a child abuser or likewise to her husband.

I'm an absent father to my daughter( still fighting the custody battle after 2 and half years) because the religous courts of the middle east won't let me have access because i don't live there( and also because they can't believe that a good muslim mother would ever be violent to her disabled husband or deliberatly neglect their disabled childs medical needs).

all i ever heard was children belongs to mothers not fathers despite the fact that I was the prime carer( because they can't accept that fathers can have a prime carer role especially when father and daughter share a genetic disability).

every time I read a comment always referring to the deadbeat dad and how brave they are to raise child on their own- i can hear martyers syndrome.

a child has two parents so quit obstructing the childs relationship and by the way financial support has nothing to with the childs relationship so quit using it as an excuse.

How about saying thank you to single moms who are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If you stay with the verbally, physically & emotionally abusive sob, then we are responsible for his behaviors to us and the children - HE NEVER IS! Either he is absent, or demanding of everyone to do as he says on his time schedule, purposely messing up the children's routines, play dates and even yelling and beating and raping his wife in front of the children. But somehow this is turned around on the mother, to be the one that "allowed" all of it to happen! She didn't allow it, she is almost as helpless as the smaller children, because these men are stronger than most women and meaner than any tough woman I have ever known!
The men are always coddled and getting more supports from community, health and justice, because he has an 'illness' of alcoholism, drug addictions,petophilia and condemnation of others. He is not a positive support to his wife or children, ever! He, as is true for the majority of men, father's or not, are all about power & control against anyone who appears or is weaker than him.
But yet, the mom who is strong enough to leave, to parent for both, to try to give her children a more positive environment, without the sob, is blamed for everything! EVERYTHING! Stuff she doesn't even know about until one of the children tells her years later!
Sure she is poorer, just like any single woman without a man is poorer than the single man who is alone! Society is disdainful toward women, with or without children and we are still decades behind in equality in salaries for same jobs.
Single mothers have to rely on those they don't feel good about, less than adequate daycares, contriving teachers, principals and police officers who know that the mom has no one else in her corner, so can pull and push as much as they choose to cause problems. AND THEY DO!
The best thing that could have happened to many of my friends growing up, back in the day, where divorce was not so prevalent, was to never have to live in a household of both mother and father! Then many of us would not have been beaten and raped by the time we were 5 years old. We would have been better off living only with our single mother's and maybe not being spoiled to death to pay us off with everything that keeps up with the Jones'! Today, the kids of dad & mom families are forever paid off & bribed and threatened to keep their mouth shut, with gaming consoles, iPhones - anything to keep their dirty little secrets! These too are the men that remove their wedding rings and go out with the boys often & cheat with other women & have numerous children with unwed mothers! But that is the unwed mother's fault right? NO it is the married SOB's FAULT! And if you are a married woman, with or without kids, and you husband is often off doing his own thing, with the 'boys' or claiming overtime all the time - YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM FOR TURNING A BLIND EYE!
NOT THE WOMEN THEY ARE HAVING SEXUAL AFFAIRS WITH - Don't fall for the BS that she means nothing to him. Because if that were true, he would not ever have been with her, but with you!
WAKE UP SOCIETY! YOUR PRIMITIVE BELIEFS FEED NOTHING BUT YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND LIFE! YOUR FALSE BELIEF IN HIM IS CLEARLY FEAR OF BEING ALONE! YOU ARE THE PROBLEM & CONTROLLED BY HIM BECAUSE OF YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE & NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP UP TO THE JONES' - EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE BOTH IN DEBT PAST THE TOP OF YOUR ASS!

When I wrote about my experiences, despite my anger, I knew it was important that it be balanced. Whilst I can't forgive the lies I was told, I can at least now understand why they were told. Or at least a best guess. People have commented that they were very surprised that, despite what I went through, I'm actually very honest about what happened and not putting the blame on just one person.

You can read or listen to my story - available in all formats - Access Denied by David E. Gates.

i don't think divorce has anything to do with the quality of life of a child. People get divorced when they r miserable and fighting or there r problems, and staying together or getting divorced is not going to stave off child neglect or abuse. I do however believe that most children suffer financially in divorce, and that is why life expectancy is less. Loss of adequate nutrition and health care and safe housing and education all contribute to a lower life expectancy. Whether divorce precipitates this or the ineptitude of the father in general, we can not know. But divorced kids r less financially stable than kids from married families. My sons father is a dead beat- we were never married. He doesn't work he doesn't give my sons a dime, he has taken a lot of money from me, he was like this I am sure his whole life I didn't divorce him, I got romantically involved with him while he had his one and only job teaching at the university of Iowa, at the time I was financially blessed, after 5 years of him I had lost everything. He continues to be in my sons life as a very antagonistic beggar, he should not be allowed to have contact in my opinion. My son has a wonderful terrific very supportive relationship with his step father this is what saves him. So shoukd fathers always be in children's lives after a break up? can't say I agree in my own experience.

and your response is typical of supposed "feminists" who just want to blame the childs father for their own issues in life.
Or could it be you are afraid as so many mothers rights groups ( yeah real extremists) are of shared parenting?, suddenly the power you were given ( using guilt ) to punish your former partner long after the seperation is being removed?

there's a reason mothers are described as being the worst antagonists in a family court using "children as weapons of choice"

What sort of bs is this because I have also never met my dad and have felt no loss (I mean I never lost a relationship so naturally). It is completely possible to grow up in a single parent family and grow up to have no phsycological effects as long as you grow up in a loving and supportive family.

I think the only children at risk are the ones in a harmful household and/or children who have actually lost their fathers in some way (implying there was an actual relationship to lose). This goes for all one parent households, including the loss of a mother.

And tf does this have to do with feminism? (FYI feminism is about gender equality not female supremacy get your facts straight)

Feminism has NEVER had anything to do with equality...EVER.... lets just clear that up.

It has its base in Marxism and is just a purely ugly, hate driven, hate spewing, evil movement.

It is also a divisive extremist group that has created the split in families and genders and continues to do so unabated. Men need to group together and take on these unaccountable shrews before its too late....for anyone.

Your heart & mind are veiled.....feminism is a cancer that has spread throughout the western world destroying the family & contaminating everything it touches. It need's to be removed like the filthy disgusting tumor it is. Then & only then would there be hope. Men need to rise to this foul group & throw them out of the building.....just as Jezebel was thrown out.
Feminists are not....and never will be....of God.

Seriously... Thank you!! I too was raised by a loving family and amazing support system that did not ever include my absentee father and I never experienced psychological trauma due to that - there have been other traumas in my personal life that caused issues but none of them stemmed from not having my biological irresponsible "dad" around - if anything my family and friends were always the ones able to help me from those dark places and with my biological father around I am sure he would be of absolutely no help. This article seems absolutely preposterous - even with the "caveat" covering the writer's ass about not wanting to offend single mothers or children of absentee fathers and then writing out a laundry list of negative side effects of being fatherless and turning everyone who fits into this box a faceless statistic of what seems to be completely unresearched material - where are the sources? The studies aren't listed for every effect. And honestly this seems to boil down to a personal problem the writer decided to complain about and managed to get published - it is useless statistics listen down a line with personal commentary and no supporting evidence along with small bits of extremely subpar journalism. I am extremely unimpressed and honestly quite embarrassed for the editor who allowed this to be associated with this - normally high quality - press journal.

And which "feminist" department are you assigned too Ariana?
Trying to defend the indefensible are we?....typical feminist whack job response to a serious problem,....your hatred of men shines through your bogus response so please go away.

As a single mum to a little girl, I believe that I can work hard to be a strong, capable parent to her. These kind of articles connect the concept of the absent father to such a broad range of problems that can be caused by a whole lot of other things too.

I was heartbroken for my daughter all this time since she doesn't have a father in her life, but one day I looked at her and I thought hey, she looks happy. She is brave. She is confident and kind and loving and smart. And she is normal. Why should I teach her to be sad about something she doesn't even consider to be an issue?!

I really believe in my heart that if we teach our children that "lacking" a father is a deficit, as society seems to keep yelling about, we are the ones who should smack ourselves and change.

Whilst her other biological parent is not present for his own reasons, my daughter has no love deficits, no family deficits, no support deficits. Her father has a deficit -- he has a daughter deficit.
He has not got the wonderful, fulfilling, precious and eternal love of this amazing little girl.

We need to look at successful children of single-parent and divorced families and ask ourselves WHY are they successful? Funny how they don't make the news.

Your daughter DOES have a deficit...."a loving father"....the other half that brought her into being. This can never be brushed under the carpet...as you would so like it to be.
You also will never know her true heart or pain as she gets older.....you are only left with what..."you"...think & feel....never forget that.

The majority of children raised in single parent households are well-adjusted individuals whose development is not necessarily compromised. Just as I don't want to cast aspersions on either non-residential fathers or custodial mothers (who most often do an outstanding job under very difficult circumstances), I don't want to leave the impression that all children who grew up without a father are negatively affected. But there is no denying the fact that a disproportionate number of children who do suffer physically, psychologically, socially and spiritually had an absent father in their lives, and identify this as a significant factor in their struggles (see the University of Birmingham study); and that the social problems enumerated in the article are connected to father absence.

Totally agree with presumptive shared parenting as part of the solution, and agree that failure of courts to enforce custody orders has been a big problem.

I think fatherlessness and the decline of marriage is symptomatic of the larger failure of well-intentioned state intervention in family affairs in the modern era that has undermined the institution of the family while draining state treasuries with unsustainable welfare costs.

The best solution is for the state to exit relationship regulation and only intervene as a matter of last- and not first- resort as required under the legal doctrine of parens patriae.

that all children should have both parents. Unfortunately, it was 50 years ago that I was fatherless, and there was no child support, not any social service help. My mother worked and we were very poor....No phone, car, refrigerator.......120-year old tenement house with cockroaches and rats, molested by a drunken neighbor, and had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken neighbor.

I joined the army right out of high school, and have been going/making a difference ever since.

I wrote about my life and won a scholarship, and am freshman at 65! I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group.

I consider myself an over comer and wounded healer....going through a 31 year "marriage" of abuse, and then abuse from a church (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com)

I have always been able to make something positive from the "ashes" of my life.

I have written my memoir; Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice)

P.S.One of my poems is called, The Fatherless Child (people have cried upon reading it).

It wasn't something I consciously thought about all of my life, but after writing the poem, realized how much it had affected me.

I met my father when I was 33....he died a few years later and i planned his funeral over the phone in another State....the irony, eh? I never knew him, but in the end was responsible (as he had never been)

Hi Alice,
Your story is inspirational. I'm sorry to pry, but I was wondering if I could read your poem... I totally understand if you don't want to share it, but I'd love to read it if you don't mind.
Best,
Ana

Though some fathers abandon their children, the main causes of fatherless children are vindictive mothers and the family courts. These two entities comprise the massive bastard factory that turns out so many fatherless children today.

As the author states the best solution is a presumption of 50-50 custody. To go one step further, remove child support from the equation so there is no economic motive to gain more custody.

Because women interfere in parenting time much more than men, enforce strict punishment on women who interfere.

That being said, there are so many despicable creatures making money off the system; i.e., lawyers, judges, case workers, etc, you need to get these people out of family life.

Good luck. I don't see things changing. The governor of Minnesota just reject an increase of 25% to 35% parenting time because of the lobbying influence of divorce lawyers.

These scumbags have lots of money to lose if there are no custody disputes.

I honestly dont think this 50/50 theory is such a good idea. From experience I have seen fathers who get full custody and drop their load on the significant other. The father doesnt take responsibility he simply takes from one mother and dumps his previous bad choices onto the new wife's lap expecting her to do his job. Yes when in a relationship you take on these responsibilities but really why even try to be a father on paper if in reality your still just a father on paper. Your child is roaming the streets middle of the night because they don't want to be with step mom they want to be in the arms of the mother who birth them regardless of your opinion of the ex she is still the mother of your child. Endless to say that the system is there for a reason. Before there was childsupport men roamed the earth free no worries just laying it where ever they were not held responsible for their actions while single moms raised the child with no resources but the ones she brought forth by busting her rear. 50/50 isn't even and equation in married couples when it comes to the children there is always one parent who will have more responsibilities with the child than the other. I have a childsupport case that the father owes me $60,000.00 based on minimum wages from 1995 and my children are adults now and guess what I am drawing out a piece of my share from his disability you know why because while I was working over time and weekends missing out on many things with my children so that I can provide for them their father was out partying traveling and living the free life with no worries. So now that he isn't able to work and we are now older he can spend the 21 years i spent worrying how I would make ends meet in his dilemma of a fixed income I get my share out of for the back pay he owes me. This life is already complicated children get tossed around and pulled here and there with no one thinking truly what the child wants. The system doesnt work I agree or my ex wouldnt owe me $60,000.00 and I wouldnt be taking $198 out of his disability. I agree something has to change but always with the best interest of the child in mind. If mom can handle work, family, home, personal life how come more dads can't?

I honestly dont think this 50/50 theory is such a good idea. From experience I have seen fathers who get full custody and drop their load on the significant other. The father doesnt take responsibility he simply takes from one mother and dumps his previous bad choices onto the new wife's lap expecting her to do his job. Yes when in a relationship you take on these responsibilities but really why even try to be a father on paper if in reality your still just a father on paper. Your child is roaming the streets middle of the night because they don't want to be with step mom they want to be in the arms of the mother who birth them regardless of your opinion of the ex she is still the mother of your child. Endless to say that the system is there for a reason. Before there was childsupport men roamed the earth free no worries just laying it where ever they were not held responsible for their actions while single moms raised the child with no resources but the ones she brought forth by busting her rear. 50/50 isn't even and equation in married couples when it comes to the children there is always one parent who will have more responsibilities with the child than the other. I have a childsupport case that the father owes me $60,000.00 based on minimum wages from 1995 and my children are adults now and guess what I am drawing out a piece of my share from his disability you know why because while I was working over time and weekends missing out on many things with my children so that I can provide for them their father was out partying traveling and living the free life with no worries. So now that he isn't able to work and we are now older he can spend the 21 years i spent worrying how I would make ends meet in his dilemma of a fixed income I get my share out of for the back pay he owes me. This life is already complicated children get tossed around and pulled here and there with no one thinking truly what the child wants. The system doesnt work I agree or my ex wouldnt owe me $60,000.00 and I wouldnt be taking $198 out of his disability. I agree something has to change but always with the best interest of the child in mind. If mom can handle work, family, home, personal life how come more dads can't?

I grew up in a two parent home with a father who financially provided for me and my mom. He was also a violent and verbally abusive alcoholic who I can safely say..kind of screwed me up for life. I used to pray that my parents would get a divorce so I didn't have to live in fear of him every day after school anymore.

As a woman, this has impacted me deeply. I really want to have kids, but can't see myself getting married.

I guess my point is, I would rather have grown up in a stable one parent home than a traumatizing two parent one.

Same here. I always hoped my mom would leave my dad. He wasn't a drunk, but a pompous, narcissistic jerk. When I became a teenager, I began to implore her to leave, but to no avail. My siblings and I would be so much less self-loathing and unbalanced if he'd died or she had the guts to leave.

on how to recover from a deep longing for that recogniton that still exists for a man who had a non-interested father that never gave any? I have been able to move on with my life and do well. I am a great father, if I may say so, and as the time passes, I dwell less on the pain that was caused by him. But still, deep inside, I know I long for that affirmation form him, which since he is dead, will never come. How can I resolve that ache? Thanks

I'm a woman of 53 years old. I've shed 10's of thousands of tears over the absence of my dad during my lifetime, a dad who was not interested in me and my dear siblings. We, his 4 children from his 1st marriage, were pretty much dropped once he started a newer family in another relationship (and once he made a fifth child in that newer relationship). My mom never received 1 penny from Dad for child support cuz she was afraid of him, and we grew up in poverty. Decades later, my Dad died (2 yrs ago) and eventually his entire estate (a 3 bedroom house and land) went to the 2 children in his newer relationship (his 5th child, & his step son (a adult child conceived by his new wife but from her previous marriage to my dad). We (now 4 adult) children from his 1st marriage are victims of divorce, and his incapacity to love us. The results on us 4 children have been devastating (obesity, alcoholism, feelings of unworthiness, depression, etc., even to this day well into adulthood). Personally, I am gradually removing the constant ache of the lack of my father by replacing him with God the father in the New Testament. It takes me time (years for me) to wrap my mind around what is written. It takes me time to believe what God is telling all of us in these scriptures, but if I take the time to repeatedly read the New Testament, and reach out to God, my conversion and healing takes place. I joined an evangelical church here (that stands for love), in a place where it's unheard of (northern French Canada), and the Bible and the church and God are all healing me - once I received the Holy Spirit. I have to stress that it's from the New Testament (where Jesus arrives), not the old Testament of the Bible (the history of the Jewish nation & God's relationship with them before Jesus) that I'm reading. The New Testament is where I am learning to heal - these scriptures actually say that God wants us to accept His adoption of us. There are more scriptures in the Bible, but here are 2 New Testament scriptures from the subject (you can replace "sonship" with "daughtership" here if you are a woman): Ephesians 1:5: "He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— ", and in Roman's 8:15 it says: "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him we cry, “Abba, Father."” So, God may not think or act like us, but I am learning so much from Him. And I am wiser for it, I can't begin to tell you how it is changing my life, my thoughts, how I perceive Dad's actions, how I perceive the world. The New Testament shows God's love for the world, and I'm a better person for it. Thanks for your time. If you decide to take this route, read the New Testament over and over again, reach out to God the Father in Jesus, and you will be healed in time". Hope this helps to all you out there who are suffering with brokenness. I have learned that God wants to destroy all the destructive lies in our heads - the lies that we tell ourselves (feelings of depression, our sense of unworthiness, etc.). God says in the New Testament that the proof that He exists is in nature and that there is no excuse for us not believing - So take heart, be healed. Look at a beautiful tree or flower the next time and think, well, He made it just for you. I hope this blesses you.

You clearly blame your Father entirely for your pain, but was he at fault for the divorce? Did he abuse you or your siblings prior to the divorce, and was the abuse actually documented by authorities with hard evidence?

Did he ask for custody and was it denied?

I know plenty of men, older and younger, that disconnected from their children because of the family law system.

If a man will not have children out of wedlock, why should he participate in raising them out of wedlock if he was not at fault for the dissolution of the marriage?

I believe that once a marriage produces a child, the marriage should be absolutely impervious to divorce unless fully documented child abuse is present, with hard evidence of same.

Children have an absolute right to grow up IN WEDLOCK with BOTH PARENTS in their lives.

Grow Up and realize nothing is so black & white or well-documented, especially by disinterested, pathetic police officers & the justice system. This is just another statistic for them to use to demand higher wages.
Clearly, you have not first hand experienced the fall-out by severely dysfunctional two-parent families. Or did you just do as many do, turned a blind eye, thinking it is normal, because that is what you always saw. That doesn't make it right.
Did you ever step up and help out a man's wife & children when he verbally humiliated and abused them? Probably not!
By standing by and assuming that it really doesn't happen, you are part of the problem!

You said:
"If a man will not have children out of wedlock, why should he participate in raising them out of wedlock if he was not at fault for the dissolution of the marriage?"
What if a man also has children out of wedlock, as well as in wedlock and therefore, is at fault for the dissolution of the marriage. Men should be fully responsible for any & all children that they 'fathered' or chose to donate sperm for (or he would have taken precautions).

"I believe that once a marriage produces a child, the marriage should be absolutely impervious to divorce unless fully documented child abuse is present, with hard evidence of same." What about wife abuse, mother abuse, babysitter abuse - it all affects his children? They KNOW and HEAR what you assume they don't. It is all child abuse!

"Children have an absolute right to grow up IN WEDLOCK with BOTH PARENTS in their lives." Children have a right to live in the safest, most loving environment with their parents, together, or not. Most often the men will choose their 'career' over child-raising and mother's are more likely to give up any lower-paying 'careers' (even if of same position) to care for their children.

FACT: Children admit to feeling unwanted and unloved by their fathers more often than the other way around. Many children fear their fathers, as do their mothers and admit to wishing the father would stay away.

Children more often choose their mother's over their fathers, because the fathers make a point of being an absent parent, always finding ways to stay away, but still want to be the 'boss' & the controller of the household. Fathers are also more likely to be severely abusive and punishing to their wives & children, as well as more likely to humiliate them in public to "teach them a lesson".

Mothers are blamed for not intervening often enough, but in doing so, she would subject the children to witnessing abuse and further humiliation against her.

For men, it really is about power and control - always.
Too bad that it took my entire lifetime to see it. I am the reason for my estranged children.

This has long noted to be a problem in America as well as other nations because of Corporates turning nations into workaholics, despite automation, innovation, and industrialization. It is still an epidemic, as if to defy the principle of children with two parents.

All nations must rethink human nature from a health and wealth perspective, not just a wealth perspective. Leave it to men to set a pace for working harder, not smarter!