Cor Bugger Janner – Be Happy : @JakeTheWriter

Today’s podcast from retired travel journalist and author Jakethewriter comes in a slightly lighter vein when he attempts to pass on some force fed culture in the form of one of his sailor’s yarns. We have to issue a public warning before you listen because there might be some rather awful singing involved. If that thought frightens you, please switch of now.Cor bugger Janner!

Another sailor’s yarn, it’s time to swing the lamp to give you landlubbers some force fed naval culture. A “Janner” in naval terminology or Jackspeak; is someone from the West Country specifically Plymouth. It is believed to originate in Devonport dockyard when talking to their workmate “John” tis pronounced Jan in Devonian see?

Rather like workers in the Chatham Dockyards being known as “Marmites” from colloquially talking “Estuary English about “mar mites” instead of my mates. As for Portsmouth being known as “Pompey”! it is reputed to be from the Portuguese, Bom Bahia, two words meaning good harbour; also the origin of Bombay, sorry Mumbai.

There was a yarn about an infamous Portsmouth Lady of the night known as “Pompey Lil” who reputedly, perhaps that should be disreputably, had two false legs. Two Devonport ratings had removed her legs and hitched her up on the church railings. After having their wicked way they had walked off without paying, leaving her hanging. She was heard to berate the matelots as “You bloody Janners are all the same, if you’d been proper Pompey men you would have helped me down when you finished”.

I digress as usual; Once upon a time when Nelson was a lad, I was a Midshipman, an embryo officer and gentleman taking a run ashore in Weymouth. Our huge Aircraft Carrier being too big to go alongside was anchored out in the bay. All the libertymen were ferried ashore using a naval MFV (motor fishing vessel), as per standard operating practice.

My shipmate and I proving our suitability for gentleman status, went sightseeing in the lovely Dorset countryside, had one gin and tonic and returned to catch the liberty-boat as per our orders at 2100 hours. Meanwhile the remainder of the crew had promptly got themselves completely rat-arsed (another naval term meaning as drunk as skunks) on the local “scrumpy” once they had discovered it was only one shilling a pint. (That’s 5 pence in new money)

There were quite a lot of merry sailors aboard the MFV, singing their tribal shanty “The Janner Song”as we approached the gangway. It was November, cold, dark and blowing up for a gale, imagine; about sixty somewhat inebriated crew men, singing:-

Half a pound of flour and marge,

Makes lovely clacker,

Just enough for you and me,

Cor! Bugger Janner.

Oh how happy us will be,

When we gets to the West Countree,

Where the oggies grow on trees,

Cor Bugger Janner!

Up to Camborne Hill we go,

Down to Helston ‘Furry’,

Come on Janner don’t be late,
Come on Janner hurry.

Oh how happy us will be,

When we gets to the West Countree,

Where the oggies grow on trees,

Cor Bugger Janner!

You make fast, I’ll make fast, Make fast the dinghy.

You make fast, kiss my arse, Make fast the dinghy

There are several more verses but I’ll spare you those

There were also us two young “Snotties” trying to look as though we weren’t with them. The Officer of the Watch called down to the MFV “Coxswain, take them round the harbour until they have learned to behave”.

Bastard! Stupid, Sub Lieutenant; we fended off and took another trip around the bay. It started to rain and then some bright spark decided that all officers are Bastards and set of an ox-blood fire hose. This is a fire-fighting implement that pumped sea water through a barrel of ox blood which when mixed with sea water produces thick white foam. They aimed the foam at the two ‘bloody officers’ but also covered the vessel and everyone aboard with it. It was very cold, very wet and very slippery.

In spite of this, as we came up to the accommodation ladder for the second time, sixty voices began, “Half a pound of flour and rice, makes a lovely clacker, Just enough for you and I, cor bugger Janner”. This was followed by an apoplectic officer of the watch screaming at the Coxswain to take them round again.

So it went on, six trips around the harbour until about two in the morning, cold, and wet, bedraggled and by this time silent, we were allowed back on board. The only two to get it in the neck were my fellow Midshipman and I. We were told in no uncertain terms that we ought to have known better.

Oh happy days; don’t worry, be happy! To quote Bob Marley, everything will be alright. I was quite worried when I recently read in a Lad’s Magazine (it was in my barbers’, honest); “Fifty things you should do before you die” and I discovered that I have done them all but two. I found that a bit worrying – Just two to go before I pop my clogs. Then I read on and found that the two that I had left were Sodomy and Morris Dancing – NO WAY. How does it go? In every life we have some trouble, when you worry you make it double, don’t worry, be happy. It wasn’t a great ‘bucket list’ anyway, number forty eight has to be a pain in the arse and my dancing is worse than my singing, so that’s that then.

Just remember to Vote Leave on the 23rd June and make it Independence Day and then we’ll all be happy. Thanks for listening! I’ll be with you again next week when I promise not to sing, cheerio!