Published: Tuesday, April 29, 2014 at 11:00 a.m.

Last Modified: Tuesday, April 29, 2014 at 7:14 p.m.

When children won't tell and adults don't ask, tackling the issues of sexual assault within a community becomes impossible, but former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur Atler says there is still hope for healing and prevention.

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As the keynote speaker for The Healing Place's second sold-out Celebration of Courage Luncheon, Atler encouraged attendees to become advocates for victims of sexual assault and molestation in order to help them heal.

The Healing Place is a rape crisis center in Hendersonville that provides counseling and legal services to men, women and children following rape, sexual assault and child sexual abuse.

All services of The Healing Place are offered free of charge to its clients, which in 2013 included 2,057 hours of evidence-based mental health treatment with a 95.6 percent success rate.

Tuesday's luncheon helped The Healing Place raise more than $33,000.

Executive Director Angie Alley included a copy of the North Carolina Council for Women's Sexual Assault Statistical Report for Henderson County from July 2012 to June 2013 in the luncheon's program, and asked supporters to look at the numbers before them.

“I see that sexual violence makes no distinction between, age, race or gender. I see 1,065 of our neighbors, friends, coworkers and children dealing with rape, date rape, marital rape, child sex abuse, incest and sex trafficking,” Alley said. “I see that only 15 of the victims we saw in person were violated by a stranger. Ladies and gentlemen, 96.8 percent knew their offender.”

In Henderson County, the top two types of offenders were family members and acquaintances, and 134 victims were under the age of 12.

Atler spoke to a room of more than 200 community supporters of The Healing Place at Kenmure Country County Club, sharing her story as a victim of incest. From ages 5 to 18, Atler was assaulted at night by her father more than 600 times. She said that as a child, she believed she was truly living the American dream and had disassociated that part of her life from her daily life.

“I split into what I call a 'day child' and a 'night child,'” Atler said. “As difficult as this is for most people to believe or understand, until I was 24, I — the day child — had no conscious knowledge of the night child. During the days, no angry or embarrassing glances ever passed between my father and me because I had no conscious knowledge of the traumas and the terrors of the night child.”

As the night child began to be hurt more and more, Atler said the day child felt the need to excel and outperform to make up for the pain the night child was feeling.

It took many years for Atler to fully uncover her abuse as a child. She struggled to accept what had happened to her and how to move forward. On top of her many successes in life, she has gone through bouts of panic attacks, and at one point her body entered paralysis.

She later realized the paralysis was triggered by her daughter's 5th birthday — the same age she was when her abuse began. Atler to this day said she cannot go to sleep without medication because of the fear of what happened to her when she would go to bed.

Atler said there is hope, however. She said many would call what she went through fromt he ages of 45 and 50 as having a nervous breakdown, but she said it was her way of recovering.

She said victims must have the ability to recover and for that to happen, they need to be able to feel like they can speak about their assault and not be silenced by shame.

Atler said she will continue speaking out against sexual violence until the day she dies because of a statistic that says 14-year-olds comprise the largest number of sex offenders of any age group, and the age of their victims is usually 5 years old. She noted the significance of the victim's age.

“Twelve-, 13-, 14-, 15-, 16-, 17-year-old boys and girls have a normal, natural sexual curiosity and there is nothing wrong with that, but there are long-term consequences if they are sexual with a younger or less powerful child,” Atler said. “But they don't know that.”

When a child learns to drive, Atler said children and their parents spend hours talking about it and training for the skill.

“How many hours do we spend talking to our teenagers about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate as they grow into their sexuality?” Atler asked the audience. “It is critically important that parents sit down and talk to their children.”

Atler offered a paragraph from her book for parents who did not know how to begin the conversation. Parents need to ask their children if they have ever been touched in an uncomfortable sexual manner because otherwise they won't tell. She said that by telling, by talking about it, healing can begin.

For more information on The Healing Place, visit www.thehealingplace.info. For more information on Atler and conversation starters, visit www.missamericabyday.com.

<p>When children won't tell and adults don't ask, tackling the issues of sexual assault within a community becomes impossible, but former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur Atler says there is still hope for healing and prevention.</p><p>As the keynote speaker for The Healing Place's second sold-out Celebration of Courage Luncheon, Atler encouraged attendees to become advocates for victims of sexual assault and molestation in order to help them heal.</p><p>The Healing Place is a rape crisis center in Hendersonville that provides counseling and legal services to men, women and children following rape, sexual assault and child sexual abuse. </p><p>All services of The Healing Place are offered free of charge to its clients, which in 2013 included 2,057 hours of evidence-based mental health treatment with a 95.6 percent success rate. </p><p>Tuesday's luncheon helped The Healing Place raise more than $33,000. </p><p>Executive Director Angie Alley included a copy of the North Carolina Council for Women's Sexual Assault Statistical Report for Henderson County from July 2012 to June 2013 in the luncheon's program, and asked supporters to look at the numbers before them. </p><p>“I see that sexual violence makes no distinction between, age, race or gender. I see 1,065 of our neighbors, friends, coworkers and children dealing with rape, date rape, marital rape, child sex abuse, incest and sex trafficking,” Alley said. “I see that only 15 of the victims we saw in person were violated by a stranger. Ladies and gentlemen, 96.8 percent knew their offender.”</p><p>In Henderson County, the top two types of offenders were family members and acquaintances, and 134 victims were under the age of 12.</p><p>Atler spoke to a room of more than 200 community supporters of The Healing Place at Kenmure Country County Club, sharing her story as a victim of incest. From ages 5 to 18, Atler was assaulted at night by her father more than 600 times. She said that as a child, she believed she was truly living the American dream and had disassociated that part of her life from her daily life. </p><p>“I split into what I call a 'day child' and a 'night child,'” Atler said. “As difficult as this is for most people to believe or understand, until I was 24, I — the day child — had no conscious knowledge of the night child. During the days, no angry or embarrassing glances ever passed between my father and me because I had no conscious knowledge of the traumas and the terrors of the night child.”</p><p>As the night child began to be hurt more and more, Atler said the day child felt the need to excel and outperform to make up for the pain the night child was feeling. </p><p>It took many years for Atler to fully uncover her abuse as a child. She struggled to accept what had happened to her and how to move forward. On top of her many successes in life, she has gone through bouts of panic attacks, and at one point her body entered paralysis.</p><p>She later realized the paralysis was triggered by her daughter's 5th birthday — the same age she was when her abuse began. Atler to this day said she cannot go to sleep without medication because of the fear of what happened to her when she would go to bed.</p><p>Atler said there is hope, however. She said many would call what she went through fromt he ages of 45 and 50 as having a nervous breakdown, but she said it was her way of recovering. </p><p>She said victims must have the ability to recover and for that to happen, they need to be able to feel like they can speak about their assault and not be silenced by shame. </p><p>Atler said she will continue speaking out against sexual violence until the day she dies because of a statistic that says 14-year-olds comprise the largest number of sex offenders of any age group, and the age of their victims is usually 5 years old. She noted the significance of the victim's age.</p><p>“Twelve-, 13-, 14-, 15-, 16-, 17-year-old boys and girls have a normal, natural sexual curiosity and there is nothing wrong with that, but there are long-term consequences if they are sexual with a younger or less powerful child,” Atler said. “But they don't know that.”</p><p>When a child learns to drive, Atler said children and their parents spend hours talking about it and training for the skill.</p><p>“How many hours do we spend talking to our teenagers about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate as they grow into their sexuality?” Atler asked the audience. “It is critically important that parents sit down and talk to their children.”</p><p>Atler offered a paragraph from her book for parents who did not know how to begin the conversation. Parents need to ask their children if they have ever been touched in an uncomfortable sexual manner because otherwise they won't tell. She said that by telling, by talking about it, healing can begin. </p><p>For more information on The Healing Place, visit www.thehealingplace.info. For more information on Atler and conversation starters, visit www.missamericabyday.com.</p><p>___</p><p>Reach Bindewald at 694-7890 or renee.bindewald@blueridgenow.com.</p>