All posts in reading period

Oh, procrastination finals season. With all of the work we have to do, we welcome and embrace any possible distraction. An article about the Champions League (lol sports) or one about the importance of stretching is suddenly the most fascinating thing in the world when you don’t want to do your work.Right freaking now seems like the optimal moment to reorganize your Spotify playlists, doesn’t it? Or in my case, now is the time to write this post and ignore my 10-page paper due on Friday.

But, if you’re like me and you like to pretend everything is secretly about sex, perhaps you’re wondering what your procrastination technique reveals about your sexuality. Allow me to interpret:

If you procrastinate by doing other, less urgent, work: You cyborg! How are you productive even while you’re procrastinating? I would be scared/too intimidated to hook up with you. You’re just so… efficient. I would recommend relaxing in all aspects of your life, from your schoolwork to what you do in the bedroom. Not everything has to be so serious!

You did it! You’ve managed to summon enough will power to return to Brown after Thanksgiving! But, then you immediately got hit by a truck, but not just any truck, the “Finals are next week, even though I just took a ‘midterm’ yesterday, and I have no idea what ‘hegemony’ or the ten(?) principles of economics really are” truck. Fear not, though, because Blog has your freshmen backs with several necessities to help you survive your reading period.

1. Towels

A dry towel will soon be a rare occurrence.

Remember when you participated in the pack and go program at Bed, Bath & Beyond and realized that towels don’t just materialize in bathrooms (thanks parents for hiding this harsh truth from me for so long) and you had to actually buy some? Those towels come super handy during reading period for soaking up huge amounts of tears, especially ones that are caused by chemistry, neuroscience, or math. More importantly, however, is the fact that they are dual purpose. Roll one up under your door to prevent bothering people with your screaming or to deaden the noise of your soul shattering.

2. Chocolate or flowers

Keep these treats around to win back your friends, roommates, and significant others at the end of reading period. Use them to apologize for your terrible behavior while studying, including but not limited to yelling at them out of stress, anger, hunger, or even hanger, throwing textbooks at them out of frustration, re-reading your essay out loud over and over until the wee hours of the morning, and papering every surface of your room with notes.

In the wake of a cluster of teen suicides in Palo Alto–home to one of America’s most prestigious public high schools–the city, and The New York Times, ask just how much a “culture of hyperachievement” is to blame in “Push, Don’t Crush, the Students.”

“The Independent Women of Sweet Briar,” from the Times and complete with gorgeous vintage photographs, is a complicated look into the intersection (and sometimes lack thereof) of housewife and career for graduates during the college’s heyday–the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s.

The internet is abuzz about the Bruce Jenner interview, and for good reason. However, Time‘s “Bruce Jenner Has a Privilege in Telling His Truth” points out that while the interview may be a watershed moment for trans visibility, visibility itself is a privilege. (Note: Jenner has not yet expressed that he would prefer female pronouns. We would not link to a story misgendering him.)

In other, and far less visible, trans news, Vice featured a horrifying, thought-provoking, uncomfortable and brilliant performance art piece entitled American Reflexxx.

What makes a classic text “a classic”? In my indisputable, expert opinion it’s when a piece of writing so perfectly encapsulates a feeling that was previously thought to be indescribable. Speaking as a Jew, I can say that “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” is a classic because it is able to instill the feeling of what it is like to be a child on Christmas Eve. Inspired by this work, I have also attempted the impossible with what will soon be declared a classic, no doubt. Behold “‘Twas the Week Before Finals.“

’Twas the week before finals, and all through the school,All the students were freezing, for the SciLi was cool;
The notes were lined up on the laptop with care,
But so was Facebook, so you know they’ll look there.

The children were nestled, all snug in their beds;But you’re not a child, and you feel almost dead;
Health Services says eat well and sleep tight,
But an Oreo and an Aderall also feels right.

The Naked Donut Run is said and done,So you’ve nothing to dream of till holidays come.
Your friends, they are leaving and saying goodbye;
So you study alone, and then just get high.

You should have taken that class S/NC,Relax, you over-achiever, you’ll still get a B.
“I won’t get a job, I won’t do my best!”
Relax, you monster: It’s only a test.

Your home friends take selfies and post them online,
Stop looking and study and you’ll be just fine;
My god, get off Buzzfeed or you’re going to fail,
Stop procrastinating by checking your mail!

When you’re stressed out, what’s your coping mechanism? We all know that inhaling several slices of pizza can be a great temporary relief, but have you ever thought about sex as a study break option?

If you’ve spent all day hunched over a desk trying to cram as much into your brain as possible, chances are, sitting on Reddit for half an hour before crashing in bed is not going to give you the kind of release your body needs.

You need something that stretches out your muscles, gets your mind off of school, and gives you serious endorphins. You could always go to the gym, but let’s be real; none of the gyms are open when you’re done with the night’s work. Plus, nothing helps you fall asleep like a nice trip to O-Town.

In addition to the short-term gratification, sex has some serious long-term benefits for your reading period health:

For those of you non-bio concentrators, just so you know, oxytocin is an awesome hormone and has some serious credentials when it comes to reducing stress. It reduces cortisol, a hormone that is released in response to stress. If your body is not given the opportunity to decompress, that cortisol does not go away. It then continues to build up until eventually your body falls into a cycle of chronic stress. Unlike endorphins, you aren’t going to get a shot of oxytocin from running on a treadmill because your body releases it when you experience physical contact with another person. It helps you feel more comfortable and secure and puts a serious dent in the levels of cortisol circulating in your bloodstream.

With finals season steadily creeping up on us—much to the chagrin of my Main Green hang-out time and Faunce Step gatherings—it is once again time to consider the age old question: Rock or SciLi? Now at this point in the year, I would truly hope that each and every Brown student knows which two buildings I speak of: the one that is sky-high and painful to the eyes, and the other, stout and equally painful to the eyes. Yes, those buildings. While each library has its traditional stereotypes, I thought it would be appropriate to update the framework and introduce a newly-minted metric for your finals period study plans.

The Rock:

With its inviting concrete floors, endless rows of stacks, well-stocked food cart and perpetually dysfunctional (albeit ergonomic!) desk chairs, the Rock is the spot for the student who enjoys a more low-key vibe, but likes to get shit work done. From the prison-cell, isolation chambers study rooms on the Second floor to the Penthouse with its sprawling and surprisingly impressive views of the Manhattan-esque, Providence skyline (we all have the right to dream), the Rock is for the studious, the bold, the hipsters, the prepsters and is occasionally the home of a nightclub (luckily not one associated with Coliseum or Ultra). The carrels of the Rock promote focused study, but be aware of the overly-confident thesis writers who won’t think twice about stating that it is his/her spot (and obviously something about the level of stress he/she/phe is experiencing). Though you may have the occasional run-in with a grad student (yes, we have graduate students at Brown), they will consider you an inferior species and merely walk past you without acknowledgment or consideration. If likened to a group of musical artists, the Rock would be Vampire Weekend, Bon Iver and Fleetwood Mac all rolled into one: it is classic, but it does have an edge of reflection (ßBon Iver) and collegiate vitality. If likened to a former WWE fighter, it would be the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, without a doubt (disclaimer: I have never watched a WWE fight, only the “Scorpion King.”)

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