Bill Bailey Quotes

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey

You're absolutely right, Hitler was a vegetarian. It's very unseemly to think so, but there he was. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Bill Bailey

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Bill Bailey

When I was a child, I was terrified by this. It was very sinister, wasn't it? It just went on and on, like Dante's seventh circle of Hell. I recently found out there was a secret middle section deemed unsuitable for small children. There's about four hours of this, then it all starts to go a bit weird. I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Bill Bailey

This is a song inspired by the work of Phil Collins; the nasty, whining little git.

Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!