Aelfthryth (for the purpose of this story, let’s call her Elf.) came from good stock, and was said to be extremely beautiful. King Edgar (also known as Edgar the Peaceful) heard of her beauty and send his right-hand-man (Aethelwald) to go check her out.

Aethelwald fell madly in love with Elf and wanted to marry her himself- and after telling her to “unpretty” herself for the king’s visit, his attempts failed and Edgar married Elf in 965. King Edgar already had a son named Edward (Eddie), so Elf took him under her wing and also gave birth to a boy Aethelred (let’s call him Red.)

Elf had some serious pull on the King, so eventually King Edgar decided to have a huge coronation in which Queen Elf was consecrated and given loads of power and wealth.

When the King died at the age of 32, his first son Eddie was crowned king. But Elf wasn’t having it, so in 978, Eddie was invited to visit Elf and Red at Corfe Castle. When he arrived, he was charged at the gate and stabbed to death. Red ascended to the throne and everyone was happy or dead. Although- it is said that Elf beat up Red with a candlestick for not showing his appreciation of her efforts.

Eddie was posthumously renamed “Edward the Martyr” and Elf is depicted in history as a stereotypical evil queen and stepmother. She died in either 1000 or 1001 at Wherwell Abbey.

She was the granddaughter of Mary Queen of Scots, and daughter of James I of England. Queen Elizabeth II is Elizabeth’s ninth great-granddaughter.

After many, many suitors tried to court Elizabeth (completely for political and monetary gain) she eventually married Frederick V, Elector Palatine. The marriage was a success, as they produced twelve children (half of which died very young.)

She became Queen of Bohemia in 1619, but after Frederick was defeated in the battle of White Mt., Elizabeth fled in exile to The Hague, where she endured an enormous amount of misfortune. Her reign lasted only one winter- so she is often referred to as “The Winter Queen.”

She received little to no support from connections and relatives, and after exhausting all of her options, retuned to England in 1661. She died in 1662 from complications related to pneumonia. As she never really had claim to any country, her passing was uneventful and only attended by her son Prince Rupert.

Introducing Mrs. Feodor Vassilyev. Her first name is unknown, which is not surprising- having to remember the names of 69 children AND that of your wife must’ve been difficult for the Russian Peasant. The couple are on record as having the most children birthed by a single woman.

She gave birth 27 times to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765. Only two did not survive infancy. Many suspect the accuracy of this information as the family became a bit of a sensation with the public and received “favors” from the government. Two different accounts confirm the information, but a proper investigation was never conducted.

Following the list down- Mrs Yakov Kirillov gave birth to 57 children in 21 births. She had 4 sets of quadruplets, 7 sets of triplets and 10 sets of twins.

Elizabeth Greenhill (ooh! A first name!) had 39 children in the late 1600’s. Her husband Thomas Greenhill was a prominent London Surgeon and recorded the births. What’s unique about Elizabeth’s record of 39 is that aside from one set of twins, they were all single births (Dr. Greenhill had to have been a masochist. WTH?)

Maddalena Granata (born in 1839) gave birth 15 times, but all were triplets. 49 of the 52 being males.

Anyway, back to Mrs. Vassilyev. There is no record or description of her appearance (or her first name) so I took some liberties with her portrait. I’m guessing by age 25 she looked 65 and was in dire need of some plastic surgery. I have images in my head of her throwing her breasts over her shoulder to get work done.

Julia here was born a Syrian noblewoman with substantial connections and wealth. Her husband was Sextus Varius Marcellus and they lived in Rome. They had a boy- Sextus Varius Avitus Bassianus, who later became Roman Emporer Elagabalus. Let’s call the son Poopy for short.

When Julia’s husband died in 215, her maternal cousin Caracalla took over, but he too was killed and a poser/usurper/liar took the throne (Macrinus.) So… Julia and her mother schemed a way to replace the liar with Poopy. They even went so far as to say that Poopy was the son of Caracalla (her cousin) in an effort to gain favor for her son.

This plot ended up working and 13 year old Poopy took the throne. THIS is where it gets interesting. They were all eventually booted out of Rome, Poopy killed and Julia was declared a public enemy and her name was erased from all records. BECAUSE… Poopy was really nuts. As a teenage Emporer he did weird things with statues, forced members of government to participate in strange religious ceremonies, he was married five times (although he preferred the company of men), prostituted himself in the imperial palace and my favorite… he employed a prototype of a whoopee cushion at dinner parties. HA!!!!! This was all within his five-year reign.

Poor Julia should’ve kept a tighter leash on that kid, or maybe put photos of his exploits on Facebook as punishment. “I’ll take away your phone AND your ipad young man!”

Older sister to Henry VIII, married three times- first to James IV, King of Scots and then Archibald Douglas, 6th Earl of Angus and finally to Henry Stewart. She was also the grandmother of Mary, Queen of Scots and Mary’s second husband Lord Darnley (ew.)

Margaret was married to James at the age of 13, as with all royal marriages, this one was for political gain. Unfortunately, the marriage nor the politics worked out all that well.

Despite the arrangement, Margaret was madly in love with James- in the beginning… until she discovered his many, many mistresses and illegitimate children (manwhore.)

When James died in the battle at Flodden, Margaret became regent for their infant son, James V. When she married Archibald Douglas, Earl of Angus, she lost that regency and was exiled. Douglas was a… well, a loser. He was stole from her, had several mistresses, and left Margaret with no money, no power, and no contact with her son.

With her flip-flopping allegiances and bad marriages/annulments/etc., poor Margaret could have used some allies, or a BFF.

The very beautiful and well educated daughter of Tsar Boris Godunov had two fiances. Prince Gustav of Sweden and John, Prince of Schleswig-Holstein. Gustav was dismissed immediately for his dissolute life (I’d like to know more about that!) and John feel ill and died before they could be married. Bummer!

When Xenia’s father died, and her brother Feodor became Tsar, False Dmitriy I stepped in and murdered both her mother and Feodor. (He is called False Dmitriy I because he was one of 3 imposters who claimed to be the youngest son of Ivan the Terrible.) Xenia was spared, but FD1 raped her and kept her as a concubine for five months while he was waiting for his bride to arrive- Marina Minszech. Xenia was then forced to take monastic vows, given the name “Olga” and transferred to a monastery.

She is buried with her parents and brother at the entrance of Assumption Cathedral at Trinity-St. Sergius Lavra.

Nerd is the Word!

I love studying quirky history, so illustrating the people I research makes me one happy nerd girl. Did you know Queen Victoria had Bishopophobia? or that when Elizabeth of Russia died, they found 15,000 dresses in her uh... closet?

It's good stuff- and I plan to illustrate all the royal weirdos I can find.

All illustrations are my personal property- if you'd like to use them, just ask!