Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Wednesday Competition of the Knowledge of the Bicycle Snobs NYC! (And Announcement of Short Recess.)

Even though I worship the Lobster God (I'm totally off the Chicken God, He answered none of my prayers), this does not mean that I can't observe Christmas. In fact, an important part of Lobster God worship is using other religions' holidays as an excuse to not do stuff. (This holiday parasitism is actually one of the holy Three Pincers of my faith, alongside sloth and cheese consumption.) For this reason, I will not be posting tomorrow or Friday, and will instead be deeply immersed in observing the Three Pincers until Monday, December 28th, when I will return with regular updates. (At least until New Year's Eve and Day, which I will also probably use as an excuse, even though Lobster God New Year is actually celebrated on February 29th, or what crustacea apostates call "Leap Year.")

Another thing my benevolent and delicious Lobster God allows me to do (praise and melted butter be unto thee, o Lobster God!) is accept gifts on regular Christmas, even though Lobster Christmas is not until what you infidels call "Arbor Day." (Arbor Day was Earth Day 1.0.) However, my Lobster God does require me to gloat over gifts (gloating is a sacrament), so I will now gloat over this seasonal holiday gift basket I received from the good people at Rapha:

Actually, Rapha just sent the Rouleur stuff--I made the seasonal gift basket myself using wilted celery, potatoes, and an old "compact disc." (I read how to do it in Martha Stewart Living.) The little book is the latest issue of Rouleur, and the big book is the "Photography Annual." It's full of photography as you would expect, and in the spirit of the season I've garnished it with Stoned Wheat Thins and vegetarian bacon (both staples of my helper monkey, Vito's, diet):

(All You Haters Covet My Gift)

Having gloated, rather than leave you with nothing I will now present you with a short quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll receive a consolation prize in the form of "Christmas in Hollis."

Happy Holidays (or happy holiday avoidance depending on how sardonic you are) from my "family" to yours, and ride safe if your regional weather pattern allows. Thanks very much for reading and emailing, and I'll see you on Monday the 28th.

Ant1,How can you tell that ants don't complain? I mean, maybe not outright revolt, but there's gotta be some grumbling in the day to day chores.The law of large numbers must make for an AntSnob somewhere!

Nothing brings one down like going to the fridge for celery and finding it all wilted. My holiday gift to you and a token of my gratitude for this wonderful blog: advice on how to revive it. Cut a little off the bottom and stand it up in a glass with some water (think fresh flowers). Wait a while. Voila! Works for broccoli too.

Snob, I am not feeling the lobster god, but I am digging the High Priestess. Do you happen to have her digits?

And here I thought "CC" referred to our own beloved Commie Canuck.

Lastly, when I looked at that picture, I saw a mankini, but I am now to understand that the photo depicts a "pair of brief." This left me unsure of where to look for the other brief in order to complete the pair.

When I atlast begin to understand your orno-theology, you renounce all that is poultry to worship a mere crustacean! Surely you must fear being boiled in bisque for this. I pray that you'll come home to roost. Happy Festivus.

Please when you gather around the aluminum pole this evening, be it in the adult entertainment section of your favorite establishment or the humble domestic pole, really rip it to those people that you have a grievance against. Otherwise the terrorists win.

Hope everyone has a great holiday season. If you are praising your Risen Savior, the one and only Lobster God (I'm just assuming), Ganesh or the fruit of your choice, remember to hold your friends and family close. They are the only people that can stand you and you need folks like that.

If you have not gone the friends and family route, just gather up all the toasters, blenders, espresso-machines, blinking black boxes you have in your house and roll around in a blanket of pictures of your last vacation to St. Moritz while playing Farmer-in-the-Dell on the empty bottle of Dom Perignon you just drank as you await your hooker.

I challenge question #5 because of answer B, A pair of brief. That makes no sense, the correct choice should be A pair of Fierce Panties.

I had to guess answer D: all of the above, which turned out to be the correct answer. I still think that it is totally unfair to have a pop quiz in the middle of the week. I was ill prepared and hope that it doesn't count toward the midterm grade.

...as far as all the various "festivus" celebrations at this time of year based on what even the church admits is faulty info regarding the baby bejeezus, we true heathens celebrated monday's winter solstice......that brings up the fact that yesterday was the start of the days getting longer (yes !!!...fucking bonus !!!)...

...i came down to me that it was either dance naked in the woods (fuck a bunch a' naked bike lane protests) or go for a cyclo-cross bike ride in those same woods...fortunately, i chose the bike, if only to spare the locals who don't share my sense of priorities...

...i gloated & reveled in those extra 30 seconds of light, knowing full well that it only gets better from this point on...

I'm thrilled to pieces that we're 30 seconds closer to spring. I've been using the spin bike at the gym in an effort to maintain some kind of fitness. Yesterday I wore regular gym shorts and today the nether regions are not happy.

Snob,I want to learn more about the pincers of your faith sloth and cheese consumption. Do you eat the sloth with the cheese? I ask because that sounds like that would be a very delicious spiritual path.

I will celebrate the season as Freds always have, by:1. arraying candles and blinky lights about my portrait of Sheldon Brown2. affixing tinsel with zip-ties to the pole of my safety flag3. combing my beard for the New Year4. trying a new brand of chain cleaner5. applying new water-proofing to my Avocet touring shoes6. making both my friends a large batch of my home-made powerbars (made from the bulk granola in the bin at the co-op and vegetarian bacon)

Don't let that collectible Tad CD out of your sight--as "Gods balls" said, the band was forced to pull it because the couple in the found photo objected. Heavy, man. Beware the wood goblins! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DX0WiCJEnUA

Maybe Lance & AC can just duke it out like real men and away from all the hoopla & circumstance generated by the Tour.

Kinda like Balboa & Tommy Gunn did in that horrific & blood-soaked street brawl at the end of Rocky V. Or when Jack Tripper nearly kicked the fuckin' shit out of Larry for setting him up with that tramp down at the Regal Begal. Larry was such a dick.

Ha! I dreamt of a Giant Lobster stalking me in my boat , the other night! Snobby, ooh cosmic!!( It was big, bright red and had a aggrieved expression on its face, kinda like Cadel when he gets the shits over losing.)

No! Not longer days! Sounds AWFUL to me. I mean , here in Oz( australia) we just throw stuff on the barby and watch it burst into flame- without adding charcoal. Dont need it, being about 100( 90 miles) km from the sun.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!