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December 14, 2016

My Kids Say the Darnedest Things (mom version volume 1)

This post has been two years in the making. One of my favorite things to blog about when I was a teacher was the funny things my students said. (If you're interested, I linked to all my old student quote posts at the bottom. They're pure gold.) I know it sounds silly, but when I stopped teaching I was really sad that I wouldn't be able to do any more "My Kids Say the Darnedest Things" posts.

I've been patiently waiting for my oldest to start saying hilarious things, and let me tell you, that little spitfire of mine never disappoints. I got lucky with an early talker (and a constant talker - I'm pretty sure she babbles from 7am - 7pm without stopping). Here are a few things she's said lately that have been making us laugh:

She thinks soaking is an adjective that means extremely.

This morning at 6:30am: "Mom! Mom! I soaking hungry!"

When it was chilly outside: "Mom, I soaking cold! I soaking freezing!"

When the UPS man delivered a package yesterday:

"Hi, ma'am. Last name Emery?"

"Person! Person! Claire did a pee!"

"Here you go, ma'am."

"Hi person! PERSON! Claire did a pee in the big girl potty!"

"..... Sign here please..."

After a colossal melt-down at the children's museum:

Dad: "How was the museum?"

Claire: "Claire scream and scream and scream a willy long time."

Waiting to pick up our takeout at the restaurant. A very obese person walks in.
"Mommy, look! It's tummy so big! So big tummy!"
Me: *dying of embarrassment*
*dying*
*dying*
*trying to think of some way I could save this situation*
*the person comes and sits down across from us in the small waiting area*
*shouldn't I be dead by now?*
*dying*
*can't think of anything to say*
*literally can't recall a single word in the English language*
*dying*
Me:".... yeah, when mommy has a baby in her tummy, her tummy gets big. Ha. Ha....ha ha......."
(I was the literal worst in this situation. Tell me what to do in case there's a next time.)

Me, trying to set expectations before attempting the children's museum again:
"... And then we get to go home without any crying and without any screaming and without any hitting. The museum is so fun when we make good choices. Okay?"
Claire: *literally patting the top of my head* "That's a willy good story, mom."
Me: "No. It's not a story. I'm setting behavioral expectations. This is not a drill. Okay? We get to go to the museum and make good choices!"
Claire: *patting me again* "Good job story, mommy."

She sure does keep us laughing (and sometimes dying of embarrassment) all day long!

If you need more laughs to get you through this last week before winter break:
My Students Say the Darnedest Things: Volume 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7