Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation

Introduction

We know very little of what George Washington read or studied, or what subjects or ideas mattered to him as a young man. The present selection, concerning proper and gentlemanly conduct, is an important exception. At age 16, Washington copied out by hand 110 “Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation,” based on a set of rules composed by French Jesuits at the end of the 16th century. Although many of these rules seem quaint by modern standards, it is worthwhile to try to understand their point and purpose, both in themselves but especially as a window into the aspirations and concerns of young George Washington.

What is the meaning of “civility,” and why might it be important? Translate the various rules into your own terms. As you consider their meaning, ask yourself: What is the purpose of this particular rule (and of all taken together)? Why and how might adhering to it (them) contribute to the development of one’s character? Why and how might it contribute to one’s influence or capacity to lead and to have others follow? Which of the rules seem to be most important, even today, for success in public and private life?*

* Original errors in numbering have been corrected; original spelling and grammar is largely unchanged.

1 Every Action done in Company, ought to be with some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.

2 When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usually Discovered.

3 Show Nothing to your Friend that may affright him.

4 In the Presence of Others sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet.

5 If You Cough, Sneeze, Sigh, or Yawn, do it not Loud but Privately; and Speak not in your Yawning, but put Your handkerchief or Hand before your face and turn aside.

6 Sleep not when others Speak, Sit not when others stand, Speak not when you Should hold your Peace, walk not on when others Stop.

7 Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others, nor go out your Chamber half Dressed.

8 At Play and at Fire its Good manners to Give Place to the last Comer, and affect not to Speak Louder than ordinary.

9 Spit not in the Fire, nor Stoop low before it; neither Put your Hands into the Flames to warm them, nor Set your Feet upon the Fire especially if there be meat before it.

10 When you Sit down, Keep your Feet firm and Even, without putting one on the other or Crossing them.

11 Shift not yourself in the Sight of others nor Gnaw your nails.

12 Shake not the head, Feet, or Legs roll not the Eyes lift not one eyebrow higher than the other wry not the mouth, and bedew no man’s face with your Spittle, by approaching too near him when you Speak.

13 Kill no Vermin as Fleas, lice ticks &c in the Sight of Others, if you See any filth or thick Spittle put your foot Dexterously upon it if it be upon the Cloths of your Companions, Put it off privately, and if it be upon your own Cloths return Thanks to him who puts it off.

14 Turn not your Back to others especially in Speaking, Jog not the Table or Desk on which Another reads or writes, lean not upon any one.

15 Keep your Nails clean and Short, also your Hands and Teeth Clean, yet without Showing any great Concern for them.

16 Do not Puff up the Cheeks, Loll not out the tongue rub the Hands, or beard, thrust out the lips, or bite them or keep the Lips too open or too Close.

17 Be no Flatterer, neither Play with any that delights not to be Played Withal.

18 Read no Letters, Books, or Papers in Company but when there is a Necessity for the doing of it you must ask leave: come not near the Books or Writings of Another so as to read them unless desired or give your opinion of them unasked also look not nigh when another is writing a Letter.

20 The Gestures of the Body must be Suited to the discourse you are upon.

21 Reproach none for the Infirmities of Nature, nor Delight to Put them that have in mind thereof.

22 Show not yourself glad at the Misfortune of another though he were your enemy.

23 When you see a Crime punished, you may be inwardly Pleased; but always show Pity to the Suffering Offender.

24 Do not laugh too loud or too much at any Public Spectacle.

25 Superfluous Complements and all Affectation of Ceremony are to be avoided, yet where due they are not to be Neglected.

26 In Pulling off your Hat to Persons of Distinction, as Noblemen, Justices, Churchmen &c make a Reverence, bowing more or less according to the Custom of the Better Bred, and Quality of the Person. Amongst your equals expect not always that they Should begin with you first, but to Pull off the Hat when there is no need is Affectation, in the Manner of Saluting and resaluting in words keep to the most usual Custom.

27 Tis ill manners to bid one more eminent than yourself be covered as well as not to do it to whom it’s due. Likewise he that makes too much haste to Put on his hat does not well, yet he ought to Put it on at the first, or at most the Second time of being asked; now what is herein Spoken, of Qualification in behavior in Saluting, ought also to be observed in taking of Place, and Sitting down for ceremonies without Bounds is troublesome.

28 If any one come to Speak to you while you are Sitting Stand up tho he be your Inferior, and when you Present Seats let it be to every one according to his Degree.

29 When you meet with one of Greater Quality than yourself, Stop, and retire especially if it be at a Door or any Straight place to give way for him to Pass.

30 In walking the highest Place in most Countries Seems to be on the right hand therefore Place yourself on the left of him whom you desire to Honor: but if three walk together the middle place is the most Honorable the wall is usually given to the most worthy if two walk together.

31 If any one far Surpasses others, either in age, Estate, or Merit yet would give Place to a meaner than himself in his own lodging or elsewhere the one ought not to except it, So he on the other part should not use much earnestness nor offer it above once or twice.

32 To one that is your equal, or not much inferior you are to give the chief Place in your Lodging and he to who ’tis offered ought at the first to refuse it but at the Second to accept though not without acknowledging his own unworthiness.

33 They that are in Dignity or in office have in all places Precedency but whilst they are Young they ought to respect those that are their equals in Birth or other Qualities, though they have no Public charge.

34 It is good Manners to prefer them to whom we Speak before ourselves especially if they be above us with whom in no Sort we ought to begin.

35 Let your Discourse with Men of Business be Short and Comprehensive.

36 Artificers & Persons of low Degree ought not to use many ceremonies to Lords, or Others of high Degree but Respect and highly Honor them, and those of high Degree ought to treat them with affability & Courtesy, without Arrogance.

37 In Speaking to men of Quality do not lean nor Look them full in the Face, nor approach too near them at lest Keep a full Pace from them.

38 In visiting the Sick, do not Presently play the Physician if you be not Knowing therein.

39 In writing or Speaking, give to every Person his due Title According to his Degree & the Custom of the Place.

40 Strive not with your Superiors in argument, but always Submit your Judgment to others with Modesty.

41 Undertake not to Teach your equal in the art himself Professes; it Savors of arrogance.

42 [Let thy ceremonies in] Courtesy be proper to the Dignity of his place [with whom thou conversest for it is absurd to act] the same with a Clown and a Prince.

43 Do not express Joy before one sick or in pain for that contrary Passion will aggravate his Misery.

44 When a man does all he can though it Succeeds not well blame not him that did it.

45 Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be in public or in Private; presently, or at Some other time in what terms to do it & in reproving Show no Sign of Cholar but do it with all Sweetness and Mildness.

46 Take all Admonitions thankfully in what Time or Place Soever given but afterwards not being culpable take a Time [&] Place Convenient to let him know it that gave them.

47 Mock not nor Jest at any thing of Importance break no Jest that are Sharp Biting and if you Deliver any thing witty and Pleasant, abstain from Laughing thereat yourself.

48 Wherein wherein you reprove another be unblameable yourself; for example is more prevalent than Precepts.

49 Use no Reproachful Language against any one neither Curse nor Revile.

50 Be not hasty to believe flying Reports to the Disparagement of any.

51 Wear not your cloths, foul, unript [ripped], or dusty, but see they be brushed once every day at least and take heed that you approach not to any Uncleanness.

52 In your apparel be modest and endeavor to accommodate nature, rather than to procure Admiration keep to the Fashion of your equals Such as are Civil and orderly with respect to Times and Places.

53 Run not in the Streets, neither go too slowly nor with Mouth open; go not Shaking of Arms, nor upon the Toes, nor in a Dancing fashion.

54 Play not the Peacock, looking every where about you, to See if you be well Decked, if your Shoes fit well, if your Stockings sit neatly, and Clothes handsomely.

55 Eat not in the Streets, nor in your House, out of Season.

56 Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for ’tis better to be alone than in bad Company.

57 In walking up and Down in a House, only with One in Company if he be Greater than yourself, at the first give him the Right hand and Stop not till he does and be not the first that turns, and when you do turn let it be with your face towards him, if he be a Man of Great Quality, walk not with him Cheek by Jowl but Somewhat behind him; but yet in Such a Manner that he may easily Speak to you.

58 Let your Conversation be without Malice or Envy, for ’tis a Sign of a Tractable and Commendable Nature: And in all Causes of Passion admit Reason to Govern.

61 Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grave and Learned Men nor very Difficult Questions or Subjects, among the Ignorant or things hard to be believed, Stuff not your Discourse with Sentences amongst your Betters nor Equals.

62 Speak not of doleful Things in a Time of Mirth or at the Table; Speak not of Melancholy Things as Death and Wounds, and if others Mention them Change if you can the Discourse tell not your Dreams, but to your intimate Friend.

63 A Man ought not to value himself of his Achievements, or rare Qualities of wit; much less of his riches Virtue or Kindred.

64 Break not a Jest where none take pleasure in mirth Laugh not aloud, nor at all without Occasion, deride no man’s Misfortune, tho’ there seem to be Some cause.

74 When Another Speaks be attentive your Self and disturb not the Audience if any hesitate in his Words help him not nor Prompt him without desired, Interrupt him not, nor Answer him till his Speech be ended.

75 In the midst of Discourse ask not of what one treateth but if you Perceive any Stop because of your coming you may well entreat him gently to Proceed: If a Person of Quality comes in while your Conversing it’s handsome to Repeat what was said before.

76 While you are talking, Point not with your Finger at him of Whom you Discourse nor Approach too near him to whom you talk especially to his face.

77 Treat with men at fit Times about Business & Whisper not in the Company of Others.

78 Make no Comparisons and if any of the Company be Commended for any brave act of Virtue, commend not another for the Same.

79 Be not apt to relate News if you know not the truth thereof. In Discoursing of things you Have heard Name not your Author always A Secret Discover not.

80 Be not Tedious in Discourse or in reading unless you find the Company pleased therewith.

81 Be not Curious to Know the Affairs of Others neither approach those that Speak in Private.

82 Undertake not what you cannot Perform but be Careful to keep your Promise.

83 When you deliver a matter do it without Passion & with Discretion, however mean the Person be you do it too.