Dating has me so stressed. I like the guy I'm seeing more than I've ever liked anyone, and my mind keeps forking with me, making me wonder when I'm going to ruin everything by being needy/not available enough, overly affectionate/not affectionate enough, giving him too much/not enough space, etc. I'm afraid to text him because I don't want to bother him, and yet I think about him all.the.time. He knows I have trust issues and he's done nothing at all to warrant distrust. I thought I'd be happier by finding someone to date, but I think all the worrying is making me even more miserable. Yuck.

I'm just going to tell you the same thing Meggs told me in the early biker boy days: try to relax and enjoy the journey. I know it's hard when you feel like the stakes are so high. I just tried to take my cues from him for the little stuff and be myself for the big stuff. He texted me every day so I figured I wouldn't be bothering him by initiating text convos (and the thing about texting is that if it's a bad time, you just answer it later, right?) But he likes you! He's stuck around past a couple of dates and introduced you to his bestie. It's not a guarantee that he's your forever guy, but nothing would guarantee that right now... it's a good sign, though.

Paloma, I feel you so much about anxiety and wondering if you'll ever feel functional like most adults seem, and feeling broken. You aren't alone. And you aren't weird because drugs and therapy aren't "curing" you quickly enough. Anxiety is a really complex thing, and really persistent, too. I'm thinking of you.

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

I feel like I can't do today. I'm so close to crying and have 2 more classes to get through, then GED.

I'm just tired of everything always being a struggle and its not like there is any upside to anything. A "good" day is just one that isn't actively bad. And I'm really, really tired of being sore and its making me feel worse right now because there is nowhere remotely comfortable to sit at work--just a tall backless stool or a small plastic student chair (thats worse than the stool).

And I feel worse now that I know why I always hurt, not better. I have dr appt tomorrow; she wants to refer me out to a new lot of specialists and I don't have the energy for it.

And, I worked extra hours all month so I'd have Christmas money and found out I get screwed on sub pay. Subs are payed biweekly; I'm paid monthly. This means, my sub pay is almost monthly, which means I'm a month off the regular sub schedule, so instead of $$ on the 16th of Dec, I get it at the end of December, after Christmas, which means every spare penny goes to property taxes and car insurance this month. I can't even forking afford to go see Skyfall again now, much less get a present for my parents or buy baking ingredients.

/rant

Sorry--all done. Just a self pity party today. I need to figure out how to deal with kids for the next 3 hours.

_________________"This is the creepiest post ever if you don't know who Molly is." -Fee"a vegan death match sounds like something where we all end up hugging." -LisaPunk

I keep telling these chicks that I don't care who has it, or how he got it, but there are some pics on there of a close friend that died last year, the ONLY pics of him I have hoping that they will help me.

That's horrible! Does he still have it/can he text with it? If so I'd try texting myself in case he gets the text and asking him directly to email them or something.

Sadly, I am sure he has deleted all the pics by now. Except for the ones of my clevage (I had an awesome shot of my wearing my 'I voted' sticker recently. it was quite booby). This dude is quite the player, I get different chicks texting me all the time now. I think he might still be using my number somehow? I don't know.

I alternate between tugging their heartstrings trying to get them to help me, and putting him on blast. One girl was really upset when she heard that a lot of women were texting him.

I got 2 different girls last night, and a new one this morning. Tempted to go to 4chan or something and try to reverse lookup the numbers...but it is not those girls fault that they are hooking up with a phone-stealing douche.

Thanks mt. He texted me last night and we ended up having a half hour phone conversation, which hasn't happened before, so that was a definite positive sign. And he sends me a text every day telling me to have a good day at work. He's a good egg. You're right, I just need to relax and live in the now.

I've had a stomach ache for about a week now. It started as a really painful stomach cramp that dwindled to a low grade soreness , like the day after you do a lot of crunches, and it was like that for like three days, and now it's back to hurting again. Ugh. Also, my English professor wouldn't take my essay because I didn't have my peer reviewed copies. For the record, my peers didn't write much, and what they wrote wasn't used in the revision of my essay. She is wasting my time.

gcz, have you checked with a doctor? if you have health insurance it's probably worth it just to be safe, having a stomach ache that bad for more than a day could be an ulcer, and it's better to deal with that sooner.

I feel bad about how much posting I'm doing in this thread lately, but things are still rough and it's just.. ugh it's impossible for me to vent to anyone in real life so I just am using this thread as an outlet, so pls feel free to skip over this all. I just feel like I'm so out of control right now emotionally. I'm usually pretty together all the time (occasionally to a degree that makes me seem like a robot), even in bad times, but lately I've just been feeling like a raw nerve ALL the time. it's exhausting. I seriously am NEVER like this, it used to take so much to make me feel bad about anything, and now I feel like crying like half the time I am awake (I never actually do, but you know that like, about to go off feeling? where your chest just hurts a lot and things feel sort of fuzzy? ) I actually didn't go to my internship today (huge deal to me, I never miss classes or work like, EVER) because I was just feeling too wrecked to be around people. I don't know what to do to stop this. I thought I was so in control of myself, it's kind of scary not to feel that way anymore.

_________________Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

finding out i didn't get a job via the person who got it posting on facebook. Like. before I got a rejection letter/email. It's the only job that's come up in my field in my area for years and likely will be for years to come. Stagnating is the forking worst.

_________________#sexysocialism

"I will take a drugged, sex-crazed, punk rock commie over Mrs. Thatch any day of the week" - Vantine

finding out i didn't get a job via the person who got it posting on facebook. Like. before I got a rejection letter/email. It's the only job that's come up in my field in my area for years and likely will be for years to come. Stagnating is the forking worst.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't believe that they don't have the common decency to let you know.

_________________You are all a disgrace to vegans. Go f*ck yourselves, especially linanil.

I'm so angry about an academic situation I'm stuck in. ... I decided to redact the rest of this post because in the event that this gets ugly, I don't really want people to be able to google me bisqueing about it on the internet.

I really don't like my BFF's boyfriend, not only just his personality, but he's also a really terrible influence. Well, she just wouldn't stop talking about him today. And about how they keep making these long term plans and insinuate things like kids and marriage. UGH. I just don't get it. Every single time they hang out (almost every day) they get drunk or high. She told me today about their thanksgiving trip to his sisters, and how on the way back he was so drunk that she had to drive... even though she was also a bit drunk, plus it's a stick shift which she hardly knows. And she always tells me all these things with a happy giggly look going on. She knows how I feel about this kind of thing!

Sorry for getting back to y'all so late. I haven't really had time to be behind the computer the past days.

JonnyWoop wrote:

Do you have a PRN that you can take for anxiety when you start to feel a panic attack coming on? If not, and if it's something you are interested in, it might be worth investigating.

I don't know what a PRN is ? If it's like a drug to curb anxiety/panic attacks immediately when you take them, I'm not even sure whether I can take those alongside antidepressants actually. Also, not looking forward to taking more drugs. :(

paprikapapaya wrote:

Paloma, I feel you so much about anxiety and wondering if you'll ever feel functional like most adults seem, and feeling broken. You aren't alone. And you aren't weird because drugs and therapy aren't "curing" you quickly enough. Anxiety is a really complex thing, and really persistent, too. I'm thinking of you.

Thanks, PPPP. <3 Also, I'm not even sure whether I'll ever be 'cured' at all, to be honest. I guess it's more about learning to live with a chronic illness rather than ever being cured.

Tofulish wrote:

Are you working with your therapist to develop cognitive behavioral techniques to manage your triggers and short-circuit the cycle? I used to just practice taking 10 deep breaths, when I was losing it and then I'd take some time to just relax.

She has been trying to teach me those things, but I find that SO hard to do in real life, when I actually am horribly anxious. Feeling panicked and trying to calm myself down by doing breathing exercises always feels a bit like trying to make myself laugh by tickling myself, you know? When in the middle of an anxiety attack, I always keep wondering who I am trying to fool by doing these exercises. :( I see their value, but I won't allow myself to be "tricked".

lavawitch wrote:

I would also find something calming.

Snuggling with my cat Moos always does wonders. He's got a 6th sense for when I'm feeling like crepe. However, I can't bring him to school/job interviews/etc. so I will have to look into other options for calmth. ;)

Mammogram and then spending an hour and a half in ultrasound having my breasts thoroughly mapped and then the radiologist and technician going over all the "areas of concern" which took a frightening while. I'm grateful they spent so much time with me and are so careful, but it's all very upsetting. The doctor told me she has to finish going over all my films but said "prepare yourself for another biopsy." Bah! I'm just gonna cry for a bit and then get my chin back up because I do think I'll be all right. I think my boobs are just troublesome and sprout things they're not supposed to.

Sorry this is a late response, but good for you on the positive attitude! Thinking good thoughts for you.

_________________"Wait a minute. There is a holiday for eight days of fried food and I haven't been celebrating it?! This is not right." - Rhizopus Oligosporus

Thanks, PPPP. <3 Also, I'm not even sure whether I'll ever be 'cured' at all, to be honest. I guess it's more about learning to live with a chronic illness rather than ever being cured.

Yeah, I often wonder when I hear people say they've been cured of anxiety if they even know what an anxiety disorder is. It's not something I feel like I'll ever be "cured" of...and I'm not trying to say that in a pessimistic, negative way, just a matter of fact. It's an ongoing process of learning to cope with symptoms, cope with anxious thoughts. I think that 'poof! All better!' is what happens to people who have situational anxiety, not disorders. I like to think about it in this way, because I find listening to the people who say, "I'm all better!" make me feel shitty and like I'm doing something wrong, but no, I'm not. This is just the way I am.

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

Mammogram and then spending an hour and a half in ultrasound having my breasts thoroughly mapped and then the radiologist and technician going over all the "areas of concern" which took a frightening while. I'm grateful they spent so much time with me and are so careful, but it's all very upsetting. The doctor told me she has to finish going over all my films but said "prepare yourself for another biopsy." Bah! I'm just gonna cry for a bit and then get my chin back up because I do think I'll be all right. I think my boobs are just troublesome and sprout things they're not supposed to.

Sorry this is a late response, but good for you on the positive attitude! Thinking good thoughts for you.

Thanks so much for your good thoughts! I actually feel quite positive because I have lots of good things going on otherwise and also, I went through a similar rigamorole that thankfully came to nothing just last year. I just hate the time when I come close to my appointments because that's when I think about it but I'm pretty good about going on with life other than that.

paprikapapaya wrote:

Paloma wrote:

Thanks, PPPP. <3 Also, I'm not even sure whether I'll ever be 'cured' at all, to be honest. I guess it's more about learning to live with a chronic illness rather than ever being cured.

Yeah, I often wonder when I hear people say they've been cured of anxiety if they even know what an anxiety disorder is. It's not something I feel like I'll ever be "cured" of...and I'm not trying to say that in a pessimistic, negative way, just a matter of fact. It's an ongoing process of learning to cope with symptoms, cope with anxious thoughts. I think that 'poof! All better!' is what happens to people who have situational anxiety, not disorders. I like to think about it in this way, because I find listening to the people who say, "I'm all better!" make me feel shitty and like I'm doing something wrong, but no, I'm not. This is just the way I am.

I thought I was cured of the anxiety I suffered from 18 to 25 because I wasn't having active attacks and didn't have one again until...almost twenty years later when I moved in 2009 and then I had a full blown panic attack that set off a wave that lasted a couple of years. They have abated again (thankfully!) but I do feel I'll never be completely cured of them and there's always a danger of flaring at certain vulnerable times in my life and once they flare, they stay around for a long time (with me, at least)...for several years. I stay away from my main agoraphobic trigger (the place where I had the first recurring one in 2009) still to this day though, just in case but I'm mostly okay being out in the wide open spaces again, just feel a bit discomfitted but not full-blown screaming fleeing instinct anymore.

I think sometimes people say they are "cured" not because they are clueless but because they are in denial. I'm speaking for myself here. It's great to think that just because something works ahistorical term the issue is solved. I'm really good at this.

_________________"This is the creepiest post ever if you don't know who Molly is." -Fee"a vegan death match sounds like something where we all end up hugging." -LisaPunk

She has been trying to teach me those things, but I find that SO hard to do in real life, when I actually am horribly anxious. Feeling panicked and trying to calm myself down by doing breathing exercises always feels a bit like trying to make myself laugh by tickling myself, you know? When in the middle of an anxiety attack, I always keep wondering who I am trying to fool by doing these exercises. :( I see their value, but I won't allow myself to be "tricked".

I'm not in exactly the same place, but my therapist wants me to break habits and start new ones and it is sooo hard. Just a thought: you might be trying to fool the automatic triggers in your body by doing the breathing exercises-ie whatever causes the adrenaline release into your bloodstream/aiding the body to rid itself of the adrenaline, so even while you're feeling upset, you're helping to mitigate the physical part of your anxiety and also maybe helping your mental state by taking a step back. I don't know if that will help your 'fooling yourself' thing, but I usually find a reasoned argument like that to help remind me that it's worthwhile even if it seems silly when I'm in the middle of something.

_________________"Vegan to me means Oreos for breakfast." -Poopiebitch"tl;dr: I quit working to drink beer paid for with gift cards" erikasoyf*cker

^Yeah, I know what you guys mean about trying breathing exercises when my mind is panicking fast and furiously and just rolling downhill away from me, all momentum, and there I am, just trying to calm down and be still. Ha! There's a Kevin Bacon quote in some movie about using the umbrella from your mai tai in a hurricane which I associate with trying breathing exercises with in the throes of a full blown panic attack. It just has to blow over like a horrible storm.

Yes! I always say to my therapist that I am a master of positive coping statements, breathing, taking a step back and viewing my anxiety objectively...when I'm not anxious. When I am anxious, my whole system is so pumped up with fear that I rush through my coping exercises while screaming to myself, "This better work! Ahhhhh I'm freaking out! Ahhhhh!"

_________________Did you notice the slight feeling of panic at the words "Chicken Basin Street"? Like someone was walking over your grave? Try not to remember. We must never remember. - mumblesIs this about devilberries and nazifruit again? - footface

I think sometimes people say they are "cured" not because they are clueless but because they are in denial. I'm speaking for myself here. It's great to think that just because something works ahistorical term the issue is solved. I'm really good at this.

Yeah, sometimes I start to think of myself as a non-anxiety haver, but then I realize it's just that I haven't had a work or school-related anxiety attack in almost a year. Which is huge, considering I went from having one almost every single day to none at all. Quitting my job didn't solve my panicking, it was a huge life-alteringly good decision - but it didn't make my brain all of a sudden flip inside out and behave differently. I know I'm still really prone to anxiety attacks. I know that I'm always one stressful event away from one. I know that thinking about it too much makes me get them, so I try to get out and stay out of my own mind when it comes to anxiety.

Sorry for getting back to y'all so late. I haven't really had time to be behind the computer the past days.

JonnyWoop wrote:

Do you have a PRN that you can take for anxiety when you start to feel a panic attack coming on? If not, and if it's something you are interested in, it might be worth investigating.

I don't know what a PRN is ? If it's like a drug to curb anxiety/panic attacks immediately when you take them, I'm not even sure whether I can take those alongside antidepressants actually. Also, not looking forward to taking more drugs. :(

A PRN is a medication that you don't take on a regular schedule, but rather as needed. You can take them with antidepressants. I was taking them alongside the maximum dose of Prozac for a while. But I can understand not wanting to take more drugs.