Legalized cheating happens constantly

Aren't we fed up with the dishonorable things that happen in sports all the time because the rules allow it? Sure we are. For example, FIFA (which sounds like a poodle) is fretting over the "divers" who will disrupt the World Cup flow.

"Divers" are soccer's equivalent to "floppers" in basketball, or so I'm told. FIFA wants to rule them out of existence, which is difficult. (And the legalized prostitution in Germany is a bigger problem, but that's another story.)

What about here? What's the worst? Want some examples? Good -- 'cause we've got a list.

Top 10 Legal Dishonorable Things in Sports

10. -- Hidden ball trick. Had to list this because it's truly sneaky when the first baseman fools the idiot runner. But, come on, we love it.

9. -- Gigantic golf clubs. You've seen them. You're playing with them. Drivers with heads the size of Barry Bonds. Anyone can play golf when you're hitting a sweet spot as big as Kansas.

8. -- Batters' armor. Every time Bonds clanks his way to the plate, I think of the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. ("It's just a flesh wound.")

7. -- Intentional safety. It may be strategically sound, but kneeling in your own end zone is something the Black Knight would never do.

6. -- "Rope-a-dope." This would be closer to No. 1 except for one thing -- you're taking a heck of a beating while waiting for the other guy's arms to fall off.

5. -- Intentionally punting out of bounds. When the ball goes out of bounds, that's supposed to be a bad thing. That's why they call it "out of bounds."

4. -- "Safeties" in pool. You can't make a shot, so you just leave the cue ball where the other guy can't shoot. Surprising there aren't more murders in pool halls.

3. -- "Flopping" in basketball. Come on, be a man. You see worse acting in the NBA than you do in most rotten movies (not counting Kazaam, of course).

2. -- Intentional walks. This is so cowardly, which is why I always root for the next guy to hit a pitch to the moon.

But the most dishonorable (but legal) act in sport is named after the victim.

1. -- "Hack-A-Shaq." You can't stop Shaquille O'Neal, so you put him where he's helpless -- the free-throw line. It's like putting Kryptonite in Superman's pants. And, yes, it was former Mavs Coach Don Nelson who created the infamous defense.

Will we see it Thursday?

For shame, if we do.

SO LONG, CLUB JUANA

They're going to tear down the Club Juana in Casselberry to make room for a highway overpass. Hey, a lot of guys will miss it whether they'll admit it or not. I still remember being there to interview Fanne "Argentine Firecracker" Foxe, who was trying to capitalize (pun intended) as an inept stripper on her affair with U.S. Rep. Wilbur Mills. Poor Fanne seemed so lost. She's 70 now.

But my first column for this newspaper was after an interview with the Club Juana mud-wrestling girls. (Hey, it was sports, right?) And I've never forgotten the first remark by one of the girls: "You'll have to shout, honey, 'cause we've all got ear infections."

Memories.

TROLLING FOR NOTES

Niche polling. Don't forget to go to OrlandoSentinel.com/sports/ and vote for your favorite niche-sporting event of this weekend. Hey, tennis fans, the French Open is getting embarrassed.

The contract between the Arena Football League and NBC expires with Sunday's ArenaBowl. Even though NBC doesn't lose money, it can't be happy with its 0.9 rating, so renewal is iffy.

Devil Rays get Eva! Talk about imaginative drafting. The Devil Rays used the third pick to take Eva Longoria, the best move that franchise has . . . What? Evan Longoria? . . . Never mind.