Hi I haven't been on here for a while, but I am rather concerned as when I was talking to my friend, she suggested that I may have an eating disorder. I considered this a few years ago when it started, but people told me it was just stress and not to worry.
I have a history of abusive relationships, married 14 years and was kept prisoner most of the time. I got out of that relationship and lets say 'returned to normal' quite quickly and met a man with a personality disorder, needless to say that relationship was abusive too, I loved this guy, however during the course of this relationship I developed co dependancy issues and stopped eating when i was stressed, I lost a lot of weight, and some times i just wanted him to see me and be accountable for what he caused. (that was my thought at the time, however i realise now that was really quite mad of me to think like that!) at the end of the relationship my thoughts were - If there is less of me there is less to hate. Another silly thought but being honest thats how i felt.
That relationship ended and I did courses, retreats, everything to heal and recover, try to be normal again. I felt great, life was calm and I thought I'd recovered and learned. I met a new guy, he had a few issues too and all was ok. however one day he said he was abusing me as he didn't love me, After talks, and keeping trying, i found out he lied and was trying to get back with his ex, she was letting him chase her and he really did. devastated again at being used as a stop gap I ended it for my own sanity. However those eating feelings came back again just as before- can't eat, there has to be less of me to hate etc, It scares me feeling this way again. Is it an eating disorder or a co dependancy issue? the rest of the time i eat well and have a normal diet, it 's only happened in relation to relationships.
Thanks in advance.

You have gained a lot of insight into your own motivations and behaviors. You have had very painful relationships and you have taken steps to heal. You seem to be very aware of how your situations and emotions affect your eating. That is a great step toward recovery from emotion-based eating. Ultimately, whether you have a diagnosed eating disorder or not, the recovery process is similar for anyone who uses food or restricting to cope with life. We have to find other ways to cope that do not hurt our bodies.
It seems you are aware that you are prone to "attacking" your own body when you feel threatened and you really want other people to know how much they are hurting you.
I have done that too. Sometimes I get the thought "Oh yeah! You think you can hurt me! Well I can hurt myself way more than you can ever hurt me! You can't control my level of pain! I can!"
Clearly, this is not a healthy thought to act on.
Perhaps when you have thoughts like you describe, you can separate yourself from the thought. Say to yourself "I just told myself that I should shrink so there will be less of me."
If you preface your thoughts with the phrase "I just told myself..." (or "I just had the thought....") then you can separate yourself from that thought. You don't have to obey that thought just because you had it!
For example, instead of thinking "I can't eat," try saying, "I am telling myself that I can't eat." Or "I am having the thought that I can't eat." Instead of thinking "I must get smaller," try thinking "I had the thought that my body should be smaller."
Can you think of yourself as a hurt child sometimes? Would you want to starve a hurt child to protect her? Wouldn't you want to nurture her and listen to her and help her get better? Sometimes it helps me to think of what I would say to someone else if they had the thoughts I'm having.

sorry its a bit late but thanks for your reply, i've tried what you've said in my latest 'silly use of food' eppisode and it seems to be helping. its my parents i struggle with this time, but the same thing occured as before. i have been taking a bit of time each time i have a thought to rephrase it just like you said, sometimes it stops me, others not so but i'm working on it. thanks again

Based on your first post and your reply, you seem to be good at looking for strategies that work for you from a variety of sources. I'm so glad that strategy was a help. If you ahave a chance to look up any materials online about DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy), you might find them helpful. When I was in treatment, we were taught many strategies from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and DBT. They both have a "toolbox" approach where you try to use various strategies until one of them works. Keep up the good work!