Sunday, February 7, 2010

x'ed.

It's that time of year again. The time where the ex's who can no longer spend their winter nights alone find your phone number on some old forgotten sim card. The time where you watch your cellphone illuminate with a number you used to know by heart but is unfamiliar now. The time where you try to resist the urge to reminisce but fail. Fail miserably.

Say hello. Compare notes. See who's still in school, where they're living now, and check up on the friends you used to have in common.

Breathe.

Let the reason for your separation hit you. Remind yourself why he is no longer your significant other. Feel all the emotions flood you once again. Remember.

He asks, "What would it take to have you back?" At first the question is flattering, spine tingling almost. After all you're single and longing for companionship during the snowstorms as well. Flashback. Remember the friend who put you into contact with him over the phone. How you discovered you had so much in common during the hour long conversations. The first date in the mall. You walked around, window shopping, because you were sixteen and had nothing better to do. You watched his lips as he spoke wondering if you'd ever get to first base. He marveled at the Jordans he wanted from Foot Locker while you snatched a cinnamon pretzel from Auntie Anne's. You carefully nibbled it, not wanting it's sugary remnants to show on the crisp white blouse you'd picked out just for him. Throughout the experience you never held hands, he never told you he was feeling you (just the way you imagined he would), and the first kiss was nonexistent. You realize somewhere between the train ride back home and putting the key into the door of your house.....he's JUST not that into you. However, REMEMBER you are sixteen. The time where conformation is EVERYTHING, although we have all the evidence at our disposal.

Make the call.

He says, "Hey." You ask him how he felt about the date. During his hesitation, you imagine getting to know everything about him, having your very first boyfriend, and envision his smile. You're thoughts are interrupted by stuttering...

"I mean...I'm saying...You're cool and all. You're just not what I'm looking for. I thought you'd be prettier."

Click.

You didn't need to hear anymore after that. That statement was your confirmation. You shake it off and focus on the more important things in life. Getting into college, finding a part-time job, prom, and graduation. Progression.

6 years later, he's found you on Facebook. You recognize him but the details are blurred until he finally makes the call. His voice brings it all back. He asks, "What would it take to have you back?" You laugh, remind him the reason for your breakup. Here he goes AGAIN with the stuttering,

"I mean....I'm saying...I was young then, I'm different now."

You look at your surroundings. From the living room couch on which you are positioned you can see the evidence that you've lived, the journals who've listened to your every thought, the DVD rack with the movies you've enjoyed alone, and the empty plate in front of you on the ottoman glazed with bits of the leftover Chicken Alfredo you devoured by yourself. Remind yourself that you are great at being solitary. Remind yourself that you've got many more goals to accomplish. Indulge in his audacity, tell him you have homework to complete, and plan to never return the call.

we like to manipulate, maximize our opportunities. we're comfortable justifying our opinions and actions today because we're young and lean on the opportunity of tomorrow. we'll come back again, with a fresh face and fresh game -- expecting our alibi and alias will switch and replace. And we're not completely wrong.

If he's hollaring back only because the winter gets cold -- not because he's truthfully trying to build something better -- then the chances he's phazed by your denial are nil. He'll likely move on to the next biddy in his friends list and do just fine. Its a part of youth. Part of that maturation process.

Good for you for not settling for what you don't want. As long as you did it for genuine reasons. Winter is cold for everyone. Sometimes a season is all thats needed.