Out with the old fake Christmas tree

Published: Sunday, December 8, 2013 at 10:50 AM.

I have a live tree this year. I’m ashamed to admit that my children, who are grown now, are fascinated by our tree because it is, as my daughter puts it, “The first live tree we’ve ever had.”

Until this particular Christmas, we’ve stuck mostly with plastic trees. We did have one live tree when we were first married, but I wanted one with a root ball so we could plant it out in the yard and create a forest of live trees that would reverberate with memories of Christmas past. What I failed to note was that root balls make trees heavier than wrecking balls and it took an army to get our tree inside the house. When we removed the tinsel, my spouse failed to plant the thing right away (he is King of the Procrastinators, a title he wears proudly) so it withered away into a brown stick. After listening to me kvetch for weeks about planting it, he finally blasted a hole in the frozen earth and dropped it in. Needless to say, it remained dead. Lesson learned.

One year after Christmas I hauled him to the store and we bought an insanely sale-priced prelit tree. It was big, pretty and cheap. I was happy. So were the cats, all of which hauled their big overfed rear ends to the top of the thing for naps. Over time the branches began to sag lower and lower, until there were interesting gaps in the tree.

To cover the gaps, I bought loads of garland and decorations. As the branches sank lower and lower over the ensuing years, more and more glitter masked the tree’s flaws. It was not unusual to come into my house and see a cat butt or two sticking out between the holly jolly blinking lights and cunning little candy canes adorning our tree.

But this year, afraid that one more pound of cat would produce a tree-tastrophe, we decided to go with a real tree with real bark and foliage and all of the good stuff that goes with nature.

My spouse picked one out. He did a good job. It has a nice shape and is just the right size. And the cats love, love, love it. Although we’ve done our best to keep them out of the tree, their favorite thing seems to be taking bites of it. Every single time a cat is near that tree, he or she “tastes” it. I have no idea why.

I have a live tree this year. I’m ashamed to admit that my children, who are grown now, are fascinated by our tree because it is, as my daughter puts it, “The first live tree we’ve ever had.”

Until this particular Christmas, we’ve stuck mostly with plastic trees. We did have one live tree when we were first married, but I wanted one with a root ball so we could plant it out in the yard and create a forest of live trees that would reverberate with memories of Christmas past. What I failed to note was that root balls make trees heavier than wrecking balls and it took an army to get our tree inside the house. When we removed the tinsel, my spouse failed to plant the thing right away (he is King of the Procrastinators, a title he wears proudly) so it withered away into a brown stick. After listening to me kvetch for weeks about planting it, he finally blasted a hole in the frozen earth and dropped it in. Needless to say, it remained dead. Lesson learned.

One year after Christmas I hauled him to the store and we bought an insanely sale-priced prelit tree. It was big, pretty and cheap. I was happy. So were the cats, all of which hauled their big overfed rear ends to the top of the thing for naps. Over time the branches began to sag lower and lower, until there were interesting gaps in the tree.

To cover the gaps, I bought loads of garland and decorations. As the branches sank lower and lower over the ensuing years, more and more glitter masked the tree’s flaws. It was not unusual to come into my house and see a cat butt or two sticking out between the holly jolly blinking lights and cunning little candy canes adorning our tree.

But this year, afraid that one more pound of cat would produce a tree-tastrophe, we decided to go with a real tree with real bark and foliage and all of the good stuff that goes with nature.

My spouse picked one out. He did a good job. It has a nice shape and is just the right size. And the cats love, love, love it. Although we’ve done our best to keep them out of the tree, their favorite thing seems to be taking bites of it. Every single time a cat is near that tree, he or she “tastes” it. I have no idea why.

So this year we’re decking the halls with a real fir tree and dispensing with the fake one. I don’t miss the old one, although I am sure that my kitties will miss their days as Christmas decorations. Perhaps the new scratching post/snack/mystery item in the den will keep them entertained long enough for us to get through the next three weeks. And, of course, it will be interesting to see exactly how much tree we still have left when the big day finally rolls around.