Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies

A simpleton housemate has spoken of their abject amazement at how dishes and cutlery ends up magically clean and back in their drawers, it has been revealed.

Professional skank, Becky Dinting, 26, has insisted the kitchen is services by “the fairies” who wash dishes and wipe up after her in and around a communal kitchen used by other adults, even putting the cleaned items away afterwards. She explained “Well obviously it never happens when I’m there, other than when one of the other housemates do it I mean, but that doesn’t count. Occasionally there will be clean cutlery or dishes in the sink tidy, for example, but I just take things from the drawer. They’re usually pretty stocked.”

“I wouldn’t want to upset or undermine the fairies. I really value their work.”

By insisting on sourcing all her cutlery requirements from the magically re-stocked drawers, the inexplicably not single tramp roots her rationale in childhood weirdness. “It’s like when I take my morning Metro from halfway down the pile. The top ones just seem …well, not the best.”

When asked if she ever cleans things herself, Becky answered. “Well, that’s a tricky one isn’t it? That would mean me, like, cleaning stuff. I really begrudge going to work in order to pay bills and get money, so I’m not likely to tidy round after myself, am I?”Frustrated housemate, Nathan Bobson, confirmed sightings of the so-called fairies: “Yeah it’s totally us. Becky either has no fucking idea or no inclination to acknowledge she makes any mess at all. Either that or she knows and has no shame and I’m too tired to say anything, because it will mean me punching her in the throat.”

The concerned social media exec said: “I’m just glad she can’t afford to live alone. I just have this horrific image of those weird “How clean is your house” women off the TV showing up to some dingy flat covered in clumps of hair and crumbs. I just couldn’t bare her going through that embarrassment. “

“Yeah… no, I’m sure she does get embarrassed, you know, sometimes and what not.”

Speaking of the fairies, housemate Nathan went on to explain: “We just take whatever’s been recently cleaned, just so there’s not shitloads of dishes and cutlery stacking up. I’m told it used to be called common courtesy, like when DVDs were VHS or something.”