A. They do have blue blood
B Perhaps Andrew is the butler
C That staircase leads them out of the dungeon and their gilded cage but their captors keep them there and torment them with bagpipe sonatas over a loudspeaker

I’m thinking that’s a giant paper towel holder. My sister had a stone one as well (kind of marble-like and only a little more than paper towel width high). It’s not really a good material for paper towel holders if you have cats that push things off counters.
I’ll bet that, because this one was so big, the family thought it was a work of art. Maybe it is; I’m no connoisseur in that area.