Iron gong of the voiceless

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Month: February 2014

We have already been regaled with reports provided by the Wikileaks which identified the US embassy in Nigeria as a forward operating base for wide and far reaching acts of subversion against Nigeria which include but not limited to eavesdropping on Nigerian government communication, financial espionage on leading Nigerians, support and funding of subversive groups and insurgents, sponsoring of divisive propaganda among the disparate groups of Nigeria and the use of visa blackmail to induce and coerce high ranking Nigerians into acting in favour of US interests.

But beyond what we know from the Wikileaks report, what many Nigerians do not know is that US embassy’s subversive activities in Nigeria fits into the long term US government’s well camouflaged policy of containment against Nigeria the ultimate goal of which is to eliminate Nigeria as a potential strategic rival to the US in the African continent.

According to wikileaks article on ACRI which potrays the ACRI as a counterweight which was set up by the US to instigate mistrust in Nigerian dominated ECOMOG

You’ve foundwhom to marry or you are still dating? Your fiancee look too good and angelic. Your conclusion, you guys are getting married sooner than later. Now, you don’t dabble into what you don’t know. You need a guide. And for you information, marriage in Nigeria is a typical project which you must read and understand very well. If you are lucky, your parents will help you with some lectures and if you are not, you just have to rely on me. Just listen with keen ears and mind because this is ‘marriage 101 ‘. Don’t see me as a marriage counsellor or adviser. See me as a guide because I don’t want my house to be a special court for settling ‘quarreling couples’ and ‘family cases'(Your pastor can do just that). Atleast, you wedded in the church not my house.

You’ve found her as I said earlier. To start with, what is her tribe? How much does your parents and siblings love her? Does any of friend claim he knows her too well? (If he does, I wonder what happens anytime you might be away from the house). I shouldn’t you tell not to ask of her past because as you are making to become the ‘Mr. Right’, you don’t want some ‘idiots’ helping you out on your duty(Unless, you are not a man). If she is not educated(not an educated illitrate- the one that speaks grammar to confuse you). She shouldn’t be ugly or your village witches will get angry for not coming for one of them. I won’t remind you to check her village distance from yours unless your kinsmen won’t join you in the journey. If she works in a bank or she is lawyer, bro, I pity you unless you will get tired fighting. Her family is wealthy and you once had no shoes or singlet. Her father brought you out of the refuse dump (Don’t try upsetting their daughter. The prisons were not built for animals). No need going to the hospital for medical check up, you guys built your relationship on trust. I hope your mother is not grandchild crazy? If not, you will make babies under one week. You must marry at age of 23, if you are only the son.

You have known her. Of course, you will start with introduction before you are making an attempt to pay the bride price. During the bride price period, you have to organise a little party. Show your inlaws that you are capable of taking care of their daughter. God will judge these fathers that sell their daughters in the name of giving them out for marriage. You can pay everything they demand and possibly, you are in charge of the ‘commodity’ you bought. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that your ‘bachelor’s nite or eve’ should not be exempted. Your friends must welcome you into marriage-hood. God will bless you even more if you organise it in a five star hotel not near ogogoro joint
(you must be classic).

Traditional marriage beckons and you are a no nonsense guy. You are too popular that you mingle with the likes of Dangote, Otedola, Mike Adenuga. In fact, Bill Gates will soon be on your friends’ list. So, your traditional marriage must be talk of the town. I shouldn’t tell you that marriage has become a business venture(wedding-prenuer). Invest a little and get a little. God will get angry with any person advising to hang your coat according to your reach. You can borrow money from friends, siblings or take a loan from the bank. Unless, you are organising a traditional marriage, where moi moi and bread will be shared. A traditional marriage to remember. A talk of the town. Facebook, Twitter and all these ‘see and post’ bloggers will carry the news.

I shouldn’t tell you how Africans are civilization crazy. White wedding will be your next target as the traditional wedding wasn’t the authentic one. If you are a typical play boy, definitely you have to invite security before the priest asks ‘is there any person here…..'(complete the statement). The wedding also should be one in town so that the brown envelopes will be fat. You don’t know a guest you did invite might give you a car as gift, so you don’t intend cooking jollof rice and wrap up eggs as gifts. Your honeymoon should be done in London on a borrowed visa. God will replenish your hustle on a worthy wedding as you regret your actions after reception.

“The Dogs & The Baboons Will Be Soaked In Blood if what happened in 2011 happens in 2015” -Buhari.

“If it is war the North wants, we are ready for them” – Asari Dokubo .

“I am putting it to Jonathan on notice that he must
leave office come 2015.” – Prof. Ango Abdullahi .

“If Jonathan insists on running, there will be bloodshed and those who feel short-changed may take the war path and the country may not be the same again. His running will amount to taking about 85 million northerners for a ride and that is half of the country’s total population. So, there will be bloodshed”. ~ Junaid Muhammed
….
Whose blood are these people referring to?

As I write this to you, I’m really angry. I wish you could behold my face to see the level of anger on it. You might jump to conclusion that my anger is much more of envy and bitterness of your way to the top. I’m more concerned about future your endeavours. You’re already seeing yourself as one of the sort after actors. Yes, the actual screen goddess. In fact, the superstar mentality has taken over you. The directors and producers won’t achieve a successful film without you as the lead or supporting character. The marketers won’t forgive any graphic designer for failing to put your face on a film poster (Your face dey sell film). Your fan base have swelled or blown out of proportion that you walk the streets putting on dark googles even at night (Pray Subsidy era doesn’t return. Trekking). Now, you compete with the likes of Omotola, Ini Edo, Jim Iyke, Prince Eke who should close down the expensive boutiques around. It doesn’t matter where you bought yours.

Sister/brother, life is not so rosy. The superstar status you look up to, is far from a lot of things. Let me remind you maybe it escaped your mind, actors are not made, but born. Ask yourself how you came about the actor thingy. Maybe you attended a half class of a supposed film school and the next you demand to be called a ‘screen god’. Of course, some will be too quick to tell me that they came into acting by accident, keke or truck?

If you’re to born to act, no director will look down on you during auditions. No producer will have the effrontery to demand for sex before you are giving a ‘yeye’ role that you are not sure if the DOP captured your face. Why should you pay directors and producers to be featured in their films? That’s star-doom not stardom. Now, let me tell you this; if you’re type that of girl who sleeps around with any person that introduces himself as a filmmaker. You are bound to spend your entire acting career in beds. Yes, because once Mr. Dick goes, he will tell Oga Harry who in turn tells Tom and on it goes.

Showing us your God given assets won’t sell you rather destroy you. Sell yourself through a convincing script interpretation, then money and fame will come. Trust Nigerians, you will be nicknamed. Act! Don’t get naked! If you can interpret a script better, the international scene is your starting point. Forget the trend. Amaka and Yetunde might have gone to win the hearts of a lot people, good. Destiny aint same. Remember, ‘You no sabi act be say you no sabi act’. No two ways about it. Thanks as you begin to ACT.

You are a writer or an aspiring journalist. If you listen carefully, what about to tell you will blow you. Yes, your name will keep ringing a bell. The money will keep rolling in once you can keep up with the job. You must understand instead of you waiting for the royalties of a book you wrote, you can earn double of the royalties. While you keep it as your retirement savings.

There are many witches out there that will surely truncate your hustles. They are so bent in making sure nothing best comes out of your new found darling job. Don’t worry, the earlier the better. We will avoid them in every angle even if it entails visiting TB Joshua.

Nigeria faces hell of problems. You already know that. I’m not trying to tell you to buy one of the problems. It will consume you and none will recall even when you were born. These problems range from kidnapping, Boko Haram, Armed Robbery, MEND, OPC, MTN, Pipeline Vandalism, Religion, Human Trafficking, Corruption, Mama Peace (Please don’t ask me when this has come to be a problem) etc. These are few known problems of this country. Don’t waste your time trying to pokenose into any of these. Nigerians and the entire world won’t listen to you. As far as they aware, these are bona fide citizens of the country.

Look at some areas which nobody has dared or those that tried ended up woefully. It’s not to your portion to fail. Don’t mind village witches, they are already failing. Now, you’ve known which area you will beam your searchlight on, cool. No, I didn’t advice you to embark on a journey. It is too dangerous. We are in a computer age. You shouldn’t risk your life because Nigerians are so quick to forget heros. Thank God for Google, Facebook, Twitter. Make your researches in these places and stay off the public for three months. No friend or close relative of yours should know of your aspirations. They might be advocates of witches. Your dreams will be killed before arrival.

You should come up with a nicest story ever written. Don’t paint it with too many lies. You have to spice it up with things even those that didn’t read, but were told about your ordeal will be filled with pity for you. Pa Ikhide and co will nail it dead though none of them writes or will they make to embark on the journey which you staked your life on. Write on how you were fed with rotten food filled with maggots. You were beaten with iron rods (You can pierce some parts of your body. Fame is hard to come by). Give your audience some relief, tell of how you wanted to fall in love with one of the tormentors. Your rescue shouldn’t be in Nigeria. It should somewhere in Somali. Yes, you ought to bring a white person in the picture. Now, your story is ready. Serve it while it’s hot while your haters will have no other option than to go and hug transformer. Give it time and your awards will start rolling in.

Nollywood makes bad or worst films, yes I agree. None can dispute that, but I wish to tell the critics of Nollywood to find better jobs to do than buying pop corn to laugh out the mistakes ofsubtitling of a Yoruba film.

Nollywood might have lost its creativity and respect. Yes, it might always have recycled stories, ‘Love Apart’, ‘My Love’, ‘Love is blind’. The casting might be poor, casting Segun Arinze as father and Ramsey Noah as son or Pete Edochie having his beards in all films. It doesn’t matter the role he’s playing. The film title might be different from the content, ‘Skelewu Babes’, ‘Osuofia’s wedding’, ‘Okon’s wedding’, ‘Okon the Driver’, ‘Agumba the warrior’, ‘Bold 5 babes’ etc. I can list as many blunders, but they can never solve the problem of Nollywood rather the scourge will continue. We can’t help the Nigerian film industry, criticising it destructively.

If you’re such versatile critic that can write very well, why can bring up a good storyline will leave your audience in bewilderment. If know Mercy Johnson don’t know how to act, we now live in world where one can make films with any camera phone. Try a scene or two, you will understand the phrase ‘Acting no beans’. Don’t see me as taking sides with Nollywood. Truth be told, I hate Nollywood films of this age. No suspense, no action, no dialogue or good soundtrack, but we must commend these ‘filmpreneurs’. They put almost their life belongings to produce a film. Ofcourse, you have to recap your investment. How many of you can willingly loan a filmmaker some money?

The Hollywood of US and the Bollywood of India were never built with much hate from their people rather lots of people supported their course. If you’re a young filmmaker in Nigeria and intended to use a neighbours wheelbarrow as prop in your project, your so called neighbour will demand you pay him. Do we have to grow like this? If you know you’re an expert in a particular field which can excel Nollywood, come out offer your ideas. Don’t sit on the fence and get angry when the bad films are churned out. Thank you.