Thursday, 30 October 2008

Blue states secede!

This following shock announcement has been issued by New California:

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, andwe're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota ,Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

*We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University , Clemson and the University of Georgia .

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

10 comments:

Anonymous
said...

That's certainly amusing, and talk of secession is more common lately, but you miss a few things.

While the populous big cities are blue, the vast areas of the states are overwhelmingly red. So secession would not leave state boundaries unchanged. In particular, Washington, Oregon, and large swathes of California would turn red.

Also, red America would reject affirmative action and the welfare state, so blue America would pick up at least 95% of the blacks, and a similarly large fraction of Mexican immigrants. That would immediately cut the violent crime rate in red America down by about 3/4, and giveblue America a giant ball and chain.

A large fraction of the military are red American whites, and North Dakota has most of our nukes, so blue America would have little ability to push red on who gets what land.

Red America would be mostly white.

Sounds like a great deal to me, after the population exchange. I live in the bluest region of one of the bluest states. I'd move to the red with my family, as long as I'm compensated for my land. No welfare, no social security, few blacks. Sounds like paradise, bring on the secession!

It also is rather obvious that Europeans don't have a great handle on the differences in America, if they think that red America would be populated entirely by obese creationist rubes, or that the dynamo that is Silicon Valley is the result of blue Democrats. Sure, Steve Jobs and the Google guys are lefties, but real engineering is done by conservative white guys (and nowadays, Chinese and some Brahmins) so I think red America will do fine.

Also, as I said, the state borders will not be the red/blue borders. Even in California, which most seem to think of as bluest, there are many conservative counties. How will the unarmed lefties seize them?

Cities are blue, rural areas are largely red. The sooner the split happens, the better!and that

Don't know where you got this, Savant, but it's brilliant.The secession is however trying to break the 80:20 rule-which I couldn't easily express, but seemed very plausible when I first heard it.To paraphrase,'You try to make something more efficient by discarding the worst 20%, and the remainder adjusts so that it has a worst 20%'.