Tips for my teenage self

YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER STOP PISSING YOU OFF, BUT YOU WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THEM A LITTLE BETTER

When you think about having a baby, what goes through your head? What you’re gonna name them, how you’re gonna dress them, what kind of person they are going to be, what they might look like etc. Guess what? Your folks had the same thoughts when you were nothing but a nugget and you shattered their vision into a million different pieces the day you turned out to be somebody else. Nothing prepared them for the person you have become, they are trying to understand you….they really are….they are just having a bit of trouble. Go easy on them, they really do want whats best for you, but only in the way they know how. Help them to help you and try not to go out of your way to annoy them.

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH BOYS YOU WILL THINK THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM

You most definitely are not. Your hormones are dancing to dub step in your almost fully grown bodies and when someone is nice to you and makes you feel amazing when most of the time you hate your life because of break outs, pathetic fights with your girlfriends and dramatic fights with your parents you will become addicted to the person that makes you forget about all that for a little while and you will call this addiction love. Bollocks. It’s called ‘randy teenage boy who needs to stick his dick into something else other than his hand and/or his pillow’ Just be cool. Do it if it feels right and if it feels GOOD. Love comes much later, if ever.

YOU ARE WEARING FAR TOO MUCH MAKE UP

You will turn 25, look back on photos of yourself and long for that baby ass teenage skin. Stop ruining it with that beige muck that isn’t even your colour. If you absolutely have to shovel it on, at least lose the powder. If you can scrape your name in your face then shit is real and you need to recognize.

GIRLS ARE BITCHES. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS.

And do not think that you are any different. Gossiping does not fall into zones. There is no good gossiping or bad gossiping. Running your mouth is running your mouth. If you do it, that means others do it and if you find out about it well, tough luck ’cause you do it too. Jealousy runs riot amongst females and it starts in high school. Just put a lid on it. Don’t text your mates boyfriend, don’t snog him either. Don’t ‘like’ his boring ass status just to get a rise out of your friend and then act all innocent when she inevitably blows her top therefore making her look psycho and you look all ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ – yeah I’m on to you bitch. You know why boys seem to have longer lasting friendships? Because this kind of manipulative behavior goes way above their heads. Just play nice OK? You know tables? They turn sometimes.

YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS IN 5 INCH HEELS

Bambi learning to walk comes to mind. So does ‘baby prostitute’. Avoid these shoes when you intend on drinking 2 boxes of wine as well. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU.

I KNOW YOU ARE SICK OF HEARING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOUNG YOU REALLY ARE

Enjoy it. Now is the best time! You know why? You can still blame being young for your fuck ups! Once you hit the big time the loop hole is gone and you actually have to be a ‘grown up’ YUCK. You get to make silly mistakes now, it’s awesome! I won’t lie, it’s not the best years of your life by a long shot, but it is definitely the most carefree. So go mad! Just don’t fall pregnant. And don’t give a guy the ass unless you trust him, because then he’ll tell everyone at school and you will get loads of attention and it won’t be because of your personality.

3 Comments on Tips for my teenage self

I reallllly wish I'd read this when I was 15. Maybe then I wouldn't wear those 5 inch stiletto knee high hooker boots that really needed reheeling….with washed out denim cut offs and a tonne of makeup. I looked God awful.