Attractive Impressions

Matthew Hussey, author of Get the Guy, gives dating advice to women from the male perspective. While I adore my girlfriends, when it comes to dating, I prefer a guy’s opinion. Matthew began his career as a dating coach for men, so he has insight into guys that exceeds the opinions of your average guy friend, making him my surrogate wingman. He’s awesome! He repeatedly tells me that I’m a high-value woman. (Thanks bud!) His book is heavily focussed on personal improvement, rather than dating rules, as he believes that women who have vibrant lives, maintain solid standards, and take an active approach to dating will attract high-value men. You may notice that his views accurately reflect my own perspective on dating, so Matt and I get along quite well on a literary level.

I couldn’t help but reflect on how the way that I present myself has evolved in recent months, due to increased self-confidence, the launch of my social life, and my now clear standards. Not surprisingly, this equation took my mind back to the hotel/elevator/backseat encounter of Niagara months ago, which marks the last time that I acted below my not-yet-defined standards. I don’t mean this to imply anything bad about the guy that I spent the night with. Truth be told, I hardly knew him, so I can’t fairly comment on who he is as a person. What I can tell you is that the night-turned-morning was unexpected, fun, and spontaneous. No matter how un-girlfriend material it was of me, I absolutely do not regret it. That night, I let myself go, leading to my first and favourite happiness tip. It represented a huge turning point in my life, being one of those experiences that I look back on now and know directly contributed to who I am. (However, let me be clear, it was not the guy who made that night significant. It was me. It was how I responded to everything that came my way, beginning with uncomfortable social territory and ending with a sunlit goodbye kiss.)

Though I wouldn’t change anything about my late-night rendezvous, I doubt that I would act the same way if the opportunity arose today. At the time, I was fine with knowing that I would never see this guy again. It’s not that I wasn’t looking for something meaningful. I just knew that I wasn’t going to find it with him, so why not have a little fun? He’s a charmer – the kind that makes me blush without meaning a single word he says. Though this ensured that he wasn’t boyfriend material, I figured he’d be good for a night outside of my comfort zone. I didn’t realize at the time that this perspective manipulated the night like a puppeteer. I dismissed him as someone who would come and go in the span of a few hours, which created a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby I acted in a way that guaranteed his disappearance. Let’s use the lasting attraction equation to evaluate, shall we?

Visual Chemistry: Check!

This is the only part of the formula that I owned that night. He was dying in response to my teasing. I was hot.

I kissed him within seconds of seeing him. I suggested finding somewhere secluded in the club. I went to his hotel room. I spent the night ravelled in his car. Yes, I was drunk, but I would have done it sober. Yes, I held my ground when refusing sex, but I was otherwise easy. Demonstrating that I’m a challenge wasn’t a thought in my mind. I was letting myself go; I was not locking this guy down.

Connection: ?

I paused when I read this factor of the equation, unsure of how I scored. Then, I read this: “Passion is no substitute for connection . . .” Therefore, Connection: X.

Had I demonstrated my value, the fact that I’m a challenge (which actually is the case, given my extreme pickiness and high standards), and focussed on creating a connection with my words instead of my mouth, maybe long term attraction could have been possible. We’ll never know. We’ve both written each other off as having no future potential. No matter who the two of us are outside of that night, in that moment, neither of us demonstrated relationship material. Consequently, we immediately faded into each other’s pasts. He became that guy from that night I let go. I became that girl who rocked his world (obviously). We were a lost cause from the minute we chose who we were going to be that night. While I can’t speak for him, I chose to be the reincarnation of the girl who entered his backseat four years before, and I was happy to embody that chick’s impulse. Today, I’d choose to show the side of me that deserves some respect, which may have prompted a different outcome, assuming that he also showed a side of him that was worth further discovery. Presentation is everything.