Friday, March 07, 2008

Friday Funnies

13 comments:

"Last night, another important milestone in the race for the White House. What began almost a year ago with 16 candidates had by last night dwindled to only four and what appeared to look like an album cover for a '70s funk/fusion/Christian rock band [on screen: pictures of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John McCain and Mike Huckabee]. ... That would be the lamest band ever." --Jon Stewart

"So how did the final four fare in last night's crucial Texas and Ohio primaries? Perhaps the opening words from their speeches tell the tale. Sure, each scene looked festive, but is it? Let's start with Hillary Clinton [on screen: HRC saying, 'This nation is coming back, and so is this campaign']. I swear to God, I'm starting to think she's one of those Terminators. She can't be stopped. You throw them in the vat, you think it's over, and all of a sudden, the little droplets start to recoagulate, and she rises up -- I won Ohio!" --Jon Stewart

"So where's Barak Obama at? [on screen: Obama saying, 'And we know this -- no matter what happens tonight, we have nearly the same delegate lead as we did this morning']. I guess last night he went a little less with the inspiration and hope thing, and a little more on the basic accounting tip." --Jon Stewart

"And on the Republican side? [on screen: McCain saying, 'We have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility, and a great sense of responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Senator McCain, congratulations. All it took was grit, patience, and what was, in retrospect, a cartoonishly weak field of opponents." --Jon Stewart

"As for McCain's last opponent, Governor Mike Huckabee, how did he handle the end of the road? [on screen: Huckabee saying, 'Thank you very much. Well, George Bret was one of the greatest baseball players of all time']. Oh, boy. It appears somebody realized this would be the last time the cameras would be on them [on screen: a montage of Huckabee naming people he met on the trail]. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. You don't have to name everyone who voted for you. ... It hurts me that the funniest name in the race is now gone." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Oh, Mike Huckabee, I don't want to have to say Huck-a-bye. Maybe it's all just a terrible dream. I'll just close my eyes and when I open them, Huckabee will be the nominee [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Noooooo! He's not a real conservative. I'm not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse. I just didn't want it to be John McCain's reanimated corpse." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"Last night, McCain finally took the opportunity to tell the Christian right exactly what he is willing to do for them [on screen: McCain saying, 'Nothing, nothing, nothing']. That is what you call straight talk." --Stephen Colbert

"But there is some good news. The Democrats are destroying themselves. Nation, Hillary Clinton is back! Senator Clinton pulled out major victories in Ohio and Texas, leaving Barack Obama so demoralized he began sputtering incoherently [on screen: Obama speaking in Spanish]. Analysts say the turning point came when Senator Clinton planted serious doubts in the minds of voters about whether Barack Obama could answer a phone." --Stephen Colbert

"It's a horse race again, a vicious, brutal horse race with razor sharp claws instead of hooves. Between now and the convention, those two are going to duke it out primary by primary and horde every delegate they can find. Guam, prepare to be relevant. It will all come down to a brokered convention with the superdelegates, unable to decide between Clinton and Obama, will ultimately pick the darkhorse candidate, that CNN touch screen computer. Once it becomes self-aware, human candidates won't be able to able to compete with its encyclopedic knowledge of America's counties, especially once it picks a Diebold machine as its running mate." --Stephen Colbert

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell, of let's say of natural causes. Obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern, and still President Bush has a clear message he would like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmadinejad [on screen: Bush saying, 'The message needs to be quit sending in sophisticated equipment that is killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror. The international community is serious about continuing to isolate Iran']. A strong message to send, but the Iraqi government owes us. I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly the president's message will be delivered. Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plan. They'll hit him. ... Wait, what? [on screen: Ahmadinejad arrives to a red carpet and a child with flowers]. There appears to be kissing. Alright, now here's where they'll execute him. No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay. To the untrained eye that may appear to be gracious, maybe even a warm welcome, but I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f--- you." --Jon Stewart

"Maybe we didn't make this clear, but we think the guy from Iran is a bit of an ah-mad-dick-ah-nejad. ... Did you think we wouldn't find out? I didn't want to say anything, but one phone call and you get this [on screen: the statue of Saddam Hussein being risen]. That's right. We can put the statutes right back where we found them, mister. After we built you an entire green zone. We could have gone with any color, but you wanted green. ... It would be nice when our sworn enemy visits your country that you give him a slightly tougher reception than the one he gets at Columbia University" --Jon Stewart

This was interesting. David Corn backs what I said about Obama and his subcommittee, and the fudging of the truth and pot calling kettle black by Hillary. =====================the lie about the subcommittee

Quoting Hillary's ad...As chairman of the oversight committee charged with the force of fighting al Qaeda in Afghanistan, he was too busy running for President to hold even one hearing. That's a lie. Not one of these subcommittees is "charged with the force of fighting al Qaeda in Afghanistan" (Hillary seems to have the Senate confused with the Army) but the one with the most direct jurisdiction would be the Subcommittee on Near East and South and Central Asian Affairs, which is chaired by John Kerry. Obama is the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Subcommittee on European Affairs.

Furthermore, Obama's subcommittee didn't meet frequently before he was the chair, either. I can't find a record of their meetings online anywhere, but I vaguely remember hearing on the news when this "story" first broke months ago that the subcommittee had often gone years without meeting.

But the full foreign relations committee, under the guidance of Senator Joe Biden, has held several hearings on Afghanistan that covered NATO's role there. It's not as if the foreign relations committee did nothing on Afghanistan because Obama did not take on the mission. Also, as happens with many committees, the chair of the full committee reserves the right to handle the big issues him- or herself, and Afghanistan counts as a big issue.

Clinton ought to be careful about hurling stones in this area. As she always tells campaign crowds, she is a member of the Senate armed services committee. In February the committee held two hearings on Afghanistan. On February 8, it focused on appropriations for U.S. military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was a witness. Eight days later, the committee zeroed in on U.S. strategy in Afghanistan, holding a two-part hearing examining recent reports on Afghanistan. Key witnesses included senior officials from the State Department and the Pentagon responsible for the administration's Afghanistan policy.

Clinton attended neither of these hearings. She was on the campaign trail.

Transcript: STEPHEN SACKUR: Let me stop you just for a moment. You said that he'll revisit it when he goes to the White House. So what the American public thinks is a commitment to get combat forces out within sixteen months isn't a commitment, isn't it?

POWER: You can't make a commitment in whatever month we're in now, in March of 2008, about what circumstances are gonna be like in Jan. 2009. We can't even tell what Bush is up to in terms of troop pauses and so forth. He will of course not rely upon some plan that he's crafted as a presidential candidate or as a U.S. senator. He will rely upon a plan, an operational plan that he pulls together, in consultation with people who are on the ground, to whom he doesn't have daily access now, as a result of not being the president.

So to think, I mean it would be the height of ideology, you know, to sort of say, "Well I said it, therefore I'm going to impose it on whatever reality entreats me" --

SACKUR: OK, so the 16 months is negotiable?

POWER: It's a best case scenario.

SACKUR: It's a best case scenario.

POWER: It is, on the basis --

SACKUR: And of course in Iraq we've never seen best cases come off --

POWER: We have never seen best cases.

SACKUR: So we needn't necessarily take it seriously at all.

POWER: What we can take seriously is that he will try to get U.S. forces out as quickly and as responsibly as possible, and that that's the best case estimate of what it would take.

I have to share some of these hilarious reviews for the new Playmobil Security Check Point Toy! What did we EVER do without it?

From Amazon.com

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).

This is great learning too for young brownshirts.I am waiting for a few accessories though, kids size jackboots and a toy Taser. Think how much fun that will be for your young Martin Bormann types. I envision a low voltage say 5KV instead of 50kv to give a realistic but non-hazardous jolt.Next we can have a nice Nerf Nightstick and little Heinrich can have great start getting ready for his future job with the TSA, local police force or the new STASI ( Secure Transportation And Safety Inititive)Be the first on your block.I also look forward to the upcoming Halliburton Play detention center real simulated barbed wire.

Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever growing fascist state looks like. Sometimes it's a hard lesson for kids to learn because not all pigs carry billy clubs and wear body armor. I applaud the people who created this toy for finally being hip to our changing times. Little children need to be aware that not all smiling faces and uniforms are friendly. I noticed that my child is now more interested in current events. Just the other day he asked me why we had to forfeit so much of our liberties and personal freedoms and I had to answer "well, it's because the terrorists have already won". Yes, they have won.

I also highly recommend the Playmobil "farm fencing" so you can take your escorted airline passenger away and fence him behind bars as if he were in Guantanamo Bay.

Needs a Water Boarding Option, Now that John McCain has decided that Water Boarding (that terrific technique invented by the Spanish Inquisition) is OK in some circumstances it should be added as an option to this Toy. How is the next generation going to learn the benefits and techniques of torture if some of the better torture options aren't made available to them?

While I'm sure your child will love this do we really want to reveal our security secrets to the terrorists? I bet al-Qaeda is training the next generation with this very product. I am saddened to learn that Playmobile hates America.

Vanity Fair has obtained confidential documents, since corroborated by sources in the U.S. and Palestine, which lay bare a covert initiative, approved by Bush and implemented by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Deputy National Security Adviser Elliott Abrams, to provoke a Palestinian civil war. The plan was for forces led by Dahlan, and armed with new weapons supplied at America’s behest, to give Fatah the muscle it needed to remove the democratically elected Hamas-led government from power. (The State Department declined to comment.)

But the secret plan backfired, resulting in a further setback for American foreign policy under Bush. Instead of driving its enemies out of power, the U.S.-backed Fatah fighters inadvertently provoked Hamas to seize total control of Gaza.

Obama campaign manager David Plouffe returned to the issue of Clinton's secrecy today, pointing to a USA Today story that reports that Bill Clinton's instructions to the National Archive have resulted in copious redactions to documents concerning his pardons.

"Behind closed doors, they’re trying to prevent the American people from evaluating [Clinton's White House] experience," he said. "You have to wonder whether she’ll be open and honest with the American people as president."

He also noted, again, that Clinton doesn't need to wait until April 15 to release the last six years of tax returns.

Clinton is "one of the most secretive politicians in America today," he said.

Plouffe, floating the attacks, used more or less the same excuse that Clinton's advisers have in attacking — aka "vetting" — Obama.

"The Republicans certainly aren’t going to consider anything out of bounds," he said

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DWF is dedicated to intelligence and the support of truth wherever it might be found. Coffee in the corner, donuts on the side. Notice: No neo-nazis, reich wingers, devil worshippers or other types of morons allowed.