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Sunday, March 20, 2011

MLB Goes Hollywood…Sort of

Before we get into how truly spectacular Epic Serena’s birthday weekend was, we need to have a discussion with you people. And that discussion is regarding how disturbed you are. We asked you what you thought would happen when we got drunk and 3 of you assumed that “someone” was pissing in the sink. We spent the night at the Waldorf Astoria. We’re classy bitches. We would NEVER piss in the sink at the Waldorf. Perhaps at a Howard Johnson Motel, but not at the Waldorf. You’re some sick, twisted people. Only 1 person voted for Lisa dancing like an a-hole, which is completely absurd because it’s basically a guarantee that Lisa dances like an a-hole when she drinks. Actually, it was the only option listed that was a guarantee. Do you even know us? It’s this kind of crap that makes us think that you’d bring us the wrong garbage can if we had to puke. 2 people thought that Serena would bowl a 124 just like she did in Foxwoods. While Serena appreciates your enthusiasm for her drunken athletic abilities, we can’t help but notice that we did not list bowling in our weekend’s itinerary!!! Are you literate? 2 people thought we’d go all The Hangover on everyone and steal a cop car and Mike Tyson’s tiger. Okay…we can’t really blame you for thinking that considering how often we reference the movie. Jess and Serena did think we lost Lisa when we woke up in the morning (much like Stu, Alan, and Phil lost Doug), but it turns out we didn’t. And there was no jungle cat in the bathroom. Finally, 2 of you thought we’d end up in Canada, which is just plain weird.

So we have to be honest. None of that crap happened. In fact, the last time Serena bowled somewhat under the influence was about 2 weeks ago and it wasn’t pretty. She thinks the score was about a 55, but her memory of the evening isn’t too clear. Perhaps her magical bowling prowess only happens when she drinks Blue Moon, not vodka and Dr. L Riesling. We also couldn’t find Mike Tyson or his tiger, so….yeah. Nevertheless, the weekend was fabulous! Maria came down from Boston as a surprise and Jess ordered champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to be delivered to the room, which is always super sexy. We began drinking at approximately 3:30 in the afternoon and we took a limo to Ninja New York for dinner at 8:30. If any of you are in town, you must check this place out. It’s amazing. Lisa was nearly stabbed by a ninja with a sword on multiple occasions and Serena ate a chocolate ninja star. After dinner, we got sexified and went out for drinks and dancing at Stir where Jess had another bottle of champagne waiting for us. It seems that Jess is “connected.” The following morning, Maria headed home, we found Lisa, and then ate a second breakfast at Serendipity 3. It was great!

We do have an actual purpose to our blog today, however we have to inform you of a few things first. As you may recall (or not if you don’t really give a crap), Serena will be leaving our current employer in a week. This means that our last Friday post (yes, yes, we know we’re late this week) will be this Friday, the 25th. Going forward, all posts will be done on Sunday (just like today). Considering how easily distracted we are (we began this before 2:00 and it’s now after 3:30), it’s best that we moved from a lunch break to an entire Sunday anyway. Since we’re now blogging on Sundays, there are a few TBB frequently used phrases that will need to be retired:

Ben Affleck - The person or incident that has driven our Friday lunch time blogging sessions from Serena's cubicle and into Mother Nature. It in no way shape or form refers to the real Ben Affleck, actor. The two are unrelated. Which is precisely the point.Mobile Blogging - When our blog session takes place in either Lisa's Toyota or Serena's Ford. It does not mean that we are blogging from something technologically advanced like an iphone.

Let us hold a moment of silence for these dying phrases and pour some wine on the floor for the “homies that will no longer be with us.” Right. Moving on.

Just a brief update regarding our contest. We now have two entries. One is from Uncle Pat and the other is from a retired KGB Agent. The deadline to enter is April 1st, so you still have time!

Now for our true purpose. Has anyone noticed the recent influx of hilarious commercials starring baseball players? While there are a ton in existence, we selected a few of our favorites. Our original was Tim Linecum’s commercial for MLB 2K9 (meaning in 2009) in which Lincecum educated his digital self on how to…be him. This opened the floodgates for baseball shit that made us laugh (honorable mentions going to the commercials that feature mascots). Tim Lincecum’s Sportscenter commercial in 2010, featuring Lincecum trying to record his voicemail message and of course, Joe Mauer’s MLB The Show commercial that featured the amazing, “well played, Mauer.” That quote doesn’t get old. In fact, we’re pretty sure that we’ll be annoying our “fellow” Twins fans at Target Field by repeating it…over and over and over and over…

2011 has brought us a “Well Played, Mauer” sequel, which is pretty funny, but doesn’t have the same spark that the original did. Quite like most sequels. However, it has also introduced the star power of Brian Wilson (and his beard) and a glimmer of a sense of humor in David Wright. David Wright advertises Vitamin Water by joining forces with that douchenozzle, Mike “The Situation,” to train for the upcoming baseball season. It features a quick flash of Wright in the tanning booth, which we’re not exactly confident he does on a regular basis considering how white he is, but he’s definitely “girly” enough to do it. It’s pretty obvious to us that he gets his eyebrows waxed. No man has well-shaped brows like that unless he gets them waxed. We’re chicks. We know these things.

Brian Wilson’s MLB 2K11 commercial is…fantastic. We’re not even sure where to start. His cell phone looks it came from Night at the Roxbury or the original Wall Street. Plus he claims that no one can touch his beard “because there is too much magic inside.” We’re not looking to start fights or anything, but we’ve been claiming magical facial/body/head hair for seasons now. Wilson is a plagiarist. It’s that simple. It’s a good thing he’s funny or else we’d never forgive him. We might’ve considered suing. We know a lawyer, okay? He’s Serena’s real uncle (unlike Uncle Pat), so he definitely would have supported our case and he wouldn’t have charged us.

Our goal for 2011 (among the other retarded shit that we strive to achieve) is to make our own hilarious MLB commercial. Who would like to donate a camcorder to our cause? Anyone? Email us. We’ll talk.