for Women Growing Wiser

Staying in Love

I asked Joe Paprocki, Loyola Press editor/blogger and one of our bestselling authors, to talk a bit about love. First, he made an important distinction between “new” love and “renewed” love:

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love takes work. As the newness of an intimate relationship wears off, we need to develop habits that renew that love. As my wife and I approach our 30th wedding anniversary, I can say without a doubt that our love has remained alive and vibrant because of the many habits we have developed to renew our love.

Perhaps our most important habit has been date night. Each week, when possible, my wife and I look forward to the weekend, not just to be lazy or to catch up on chores, but to go out on a date, either dinner or dancing, and sometimes both! We approach these dates with the same excitement we had as teenagers many moons ago, taking special care to get dressed up for each other. It would be very easy to just toss on some jeans and a T-shirt and get some fast food (and believe me, there’s a place for that too!) but there is something flattering about that special someone in your life showing outwardly how she or he feels about you inwardly. Of course, expressing sincere and frequent appreciation for that extra special effort is yet another expression of the effort itself!

Joe also points out that true love goes way beyond keeping the romance alive:

If there is one thing I have learned about true love, it is that it is selfless. True love cares about the good of the other more than about the good of oneself. That’s a hard lesson to learn, because we all have many needs, and we count on that special someone in our lives to fulfill those needs.

As my wife and I look back on 30 years of marriage, we are increasingly grateful for the gift of each other’s love, wondering what we have done to deserve it. When each of us lives within this sense of gratitude, not thinking that anything is owed to us, our relationship flourishes. When we put our own needs aside and focus on the needs of each other, our love grows.

But when we become absorbed in our own needs, the relationship struggles. Occasionally, we need to lovingly jolt one another out of self-absorption, and that is both a gift we can offer one another as well as a responsibility we owe each other. Selfless love is the kind of love that God has shown to us through his Son, Jesus Christ. When we love one another selflessly in a marriage, the experience is divine!

Comments

I remember reading in Dr. Spock’s original book for new parents that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and to let them know it. This has worked for us for over 50 years. But we took it a bit further. We love our children and always let them know it. So there is no lack of love in this family. And it is always renewing itself when new members come in. There are more souls to love and more souls to be loved by. I still love my husband above all others, including myself. And the kids and grandkids know it. And that’s good. God dwells within this family, and His goodness goes out from this family. God is good. God is definitely love.

Woh ! Wish I had known this 47 years ago. Hind sight is 20/20 but we can and should pass this on not just by lectures but by example from those of us who have had a good experience in marriage. I rarely hear about great marriages but frequently hear about divorce ++++. I blame the media for the sensationalism and myself for reading so much gossip and the publicity stunts that go with it.
Lets hear more about good marriages and Love, In Love and renewed Love.
I think that is so beautiful. Please will those people who are happily married share more and more so we can pass it along to the younger generation that Love is not about sex only but life long companionship support helping one and other through the twilight years as well as the long life togetherness. Lets have A Togetherness Day. Celebrate togetherness.
or Married Couples Day as well as Mothers Day and Fathers Day. or lets call it Parents Day like in this part of the world we call nursing homes when translated from original language as Parents Home. I love this Post

Thanks Vinita (and Joe). After 47 years of a still exciting and fun love affair, i can say Joe is right on. Puting the other first is so important. When i need a little extra push to keep Jenny front and center, I call to mind my father-in-law and think how he’d expect me to treat his little girl. Works every time. (Thanks Dad!).

One of the ways we stay in love is by volunteering in our parish marriage preparation program. It is a mentor/sponsor model consisting of seven evenings with engaged couples. As the weeks go by and we talk with and listen to these young and not so young engaged couples our love for each other and belief in sacramental marriage grows.

We are fortunate to have between twenty and thirty married couples involved and they all say the same thing. It is the best form of marriage enrichment they know. We are not preparing couples for a wedding, we are welcoming them into a faith community that will support them throughout their married lives.

The last evening of our program engaged couples sit across from all the married couples and are encouraged to ask any question they wish about marriage. Almost without fail one of the couples will ask how to make love last for a life time and the answer is always the same-share your love with each other and in service to the larger community.

Thanks, Joe, for sharing your insights from your experience. An insight I have found helpful has to do with “putting your spouse first.” What we really mean when we say that is the following: God first. The marriage second. The children third. If we really always put our spouse first, we might never say what we really needed, there might be little honesty and no real negotiation and our marriage could be a very codependent charade. When we put God first and then our marriage, we share with each other our needs and wants and we do what is best for the marriage relationship at that time – and that does mean sacrifice at times for each of us, but also the gift of our spouse sacrificing for us at times. Following from this, our marriage grows stronger and we give the best we can to our children – parents in a good marriage.