I could say so much about this amazing picture, but I know it speaks for itself. With any luck, this is Chris and me about thirty years from now-spritely and still very much in love.

If I remember correctly, according to Richard Rinaldi's website, this picture was taken in 2005. I don't know if Roy and William are still with us, but I imagine them having been together as many as fifty or more years by then. What an inspiration to all of us. How can anyone say their love is different from, or any less valid than, a heterosexual couple's?

I want to die at a young age. I am too afraid of growing older, because I love my baby-face, my skinny figure. I am always afraid of losing control over myself, that's the main reason I don't drink. I'm afraid that I'd slip: tell someone that I like guys or kiss a guy. Oh, I'm afraid of being a faggot. Maybe I should try to fall in love with a girl, I have many wonderful girls surrounding me (and even maybe someone who doesn't know why the heck I haven't made a move yet... or most probably they know). But I don't want to make another person suffer. Shit, I promise, I'll live my life alone, always being the single man who hasn't got time for family business. Truth is that I'm bad at making the first move. I'm bad at talking to a stranger, or any human for that matter. Sometimes I walk on the street and just can't stop looking... at guys. I'm still gay. It hasn't changed. And when I sometimes see the one who I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, who I fantasize about... I just can't stop dreaming that he'd kiss me, take my pants off and **** my brains out. He's so smart (I have a thing for smart men) and good-looking and funny and friendly and talkative. Fuck, but I'd newer make a move on him. So that can just be my wet dream. And most probably he's the one I kind of like because he's the only gay guy I kind of know and he is drop-dead hot. I said it. Besides, I'm an old-fashioned guy. I would only be with a guy who truly loves me and then I would love him to **** my brains out. Shit, I shouldn't use a guy like this. Not even in my dreams. He wouldn't love me even if we would be the last two people on earth. And thinking about the process of sex... I can but my... here and there and he can but his …. here and there... It's disgusting. It isn't normal. It isn't right. It hurts. It will cause me to die of cancer. Ok, I will never have sex. But isn't masturbation a sexual activity... Oh, I will never have sex with another man. I can't live on an autopilot! I have witnessed some great moments... four times. One time this guy looked at me during the whole bus ride. The other time, I was out shopping and I saw a guy smiling and me. Oh, the third time, a guy smiled at me when we passed each other. And on the fourth time, my current wet-dream-guy, gave me the dirtiest look. He hasn't looked at me not for once, he has always avoided my eyes. I'm an idiot. None of them thought I'm cute. I just made it up in my head. But it made me bubbly inside. These moments made me smile. I'd like to live life as any straight person or an extremely courageous out gay person. Lately I have repeated to myself that I can't ever be happy. I have felt really bad, I have felt like I have no possibilities open to me because I'm too afraid of making a step to the unknown. I am so tired. I just want to sleep.

I'm sorry. It isn't a happy message. But this picture opened my mind to being afraid of growing old... and other things just unravelled. I have no-one else to talk openly about myself. It hurts so much at the moment. I just want to sleep, but I should start doing my homework. I even shouldn't post this message... "No, just press "Post comment", you fool" (The white wizard Gandalf just said that to me.)

mindcrazynails, you are right. The beauty of growing older is that we gain experience, and, if we're so inclined, we can choose to share that with others. That's what I do with my blog. I could never have written what I have here in my twenties or thirties. I'm grateful to be the age I am, to have learned what I have, and to have the opportunity to share it here.

Wow, elevencats. I don't think you've ever written such an expressive and pointed comment before. Obviously, you had a lot going on in your head when you sat down to write it.

Your frustration comes out loud and clear, and my sincere hope is that you'd never do anything desperate when you feel this way. Please promise me you'll never do that.

You don't need to apologize for writing a message that isn't happy. Believe me, every one of us feels this way from time to time. Every single one. And we all need the means to release those feelings before they consume us.

I feel so fortunate that you're comfortable enough with me to be this open and honest, and to express such raw emotions. Surely, you know I'm always here for you. You know that, right?

I'm happy to receive whatever comment you want to share with me, whether that message is positive or otherwise. Always know you can turn to me and be as honest as you need to be. I'm here for you, and I very much care what happens to you.

When I read your words, I heard myself about twenty-five years ago. You described me perfectly. Everything you wrote resonated with me. Your feelings as a young gay man are no different from the feelings of all young gay men, at this stage in your life, including me at your age.

For this reason, I've decided to take points from your comment and write a dedicated response in the form of a complete post. Your words inspired me to share what I know about getting through this challenging time in your life, and I know I'll be able to help.

Chris returns to work tomorrow following two weeks of vacation, so I hope to spend more time working on my blog than I have lately. Among the things I'll do is write that post. I hope you'll check back for it. I know what I have to say will make a difference.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about you and hoping you stay strong. You will get through this, I promise you that. I mean it. And your life will be so much more than you ever thought it could be.

Thank you so much for trusting me to write what you did. Please take good care of yourself. You are a special and amazing young man. You deserve the very best in your life. I need you to believe that.

After writing this post, I already felt a bit better. It is unfamiliar grounds to me: never in my life have I had the possibility (or the strength) to express myself emotionally to another person. Mainly because I have always taught myself that I can't open myself up to another person because he/she will use this to their own benefit. So even if I'm feeling terrible, I put on a happy face. When I feel the need to say something bad to another person, I leave before I can do it. It has avoided me a lot of trouble, but it also hasn't made me opened enough to have any close friends or a lover.

So good to hear from you again, elevencats, and to know you're all right.

Sometimes, just expressing what you really need to say makes a big difference. I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I'm here for you. You can tell me whatever you need to say. You can put it in a comment on a post, or you can email me directly. The choice is yours. But you are not alone. (I apologize for the delay in getting back to you sometimes, but I will always respond. You know that.)

One of the things you'll learn as you get older and mature is that how you feel and what you say is all right. Part of feeling you have little or no value has to do with believing you have to keep your real feelings bottled up. But when you know your own worth, you realize what you feel and say is as valid as what anyone else feels and says. Oh, do I see myself in you.

A word of caution, however: It's perfectly fine to express yourself, because what you have to say is as important as what the next guy has to say, but how you say it is equally important, too. You can be open and honest with your feelings, but you must always be respectful of other people in how you express yourself. If you do that, people will respect you in return, and they won't, as you write, use what you say against you.

Would you say you have a lot of anger inside you? Do you have to lock things inside all the time, or do you feel you have to do that only on occasion? Do the things you keep inside have to do with being gay, or are they about something else altogether?

Thanks for your comment and for trusting me with your feelings and your words.

I am angry because my brain doesn't work as affectively as I'd like to. I'm afraid I haven't got enough time to compensate it with learning more.I am angry at myself, because I haven't got enough courage to live as an out gay man. I am angry because I want to speak with people, but I am often too shy and awkward in these situations and only can get “yes” and “no” out of my mouth (even though I have no problem speaking in front of an auditorium with 200 people in it). I feel like I am too boring, and my thoughts are not interesting enough. At the moment I have a good possibility to learn, but I am afraid that I will make mistakes on the way. Most of my lecturers are people who I (hopefully) will work with in the future. So it's crucial for me to be very good. And if someone will find out that I am gay... It means I need to be the very best. It's inevitable, the situation in Estonia. When you drink, sleep around, you are gay, fat (or something else), you need to be the very best at your field. Because being good overweights your negative characteristics.I am afraid that maybe I will not have a job when my scientific career doesn't work out. My dream is to be independent.I'm afraid of calling myself a gay man. Yes, I like men more than women, but I am afraid of calling myself a homosexual. It has mostly an negative feel to it. Why can't I just be a person who loves another human being. I don't like to be the fag, the homo, the flamer, etc. I am a man who dreams of becoming a family with another man.

I'm working on my detailed response to your comment from September 18. I thought I'd be able to publish today, but it's taking longer than expected. Plus, I've decided to include your comments from September 20 as well.

So I hope you'll continue to be patient. Depending on how much I get done today, maybe I'll be able to publish it tomorrow. The day after at the latest.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about you and hoping you're doing all right. Hang in there. Stay focused on your studies; don't let those suffer. I'll be in touch very soon.

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About Me

I'm a 56-year-old writer, who lives in Metro Vancouver, and I've been in a loving, committed, and monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for twenty-three years.
While I've used my blog to write on different subjects over the past four years, currently, you'll find the majority of posts about my relationship with Chris; my experience as a gay man; and self-esteem as it relates to gay people.
My intention is to help you on your journey to become a fully-realized gay or lesbian person. I hope you find something here that resonates with you, and you'll come back often. Please leave a comment on any post that interests you or send me an email. I want to hear what you have to say.