The National Enquirer, bastion of all legitimate-and-definitely-not-made-up-by-peoples'-greed-and-imagination news, reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's slinky, uber-sexual union is being torn asunder by, of all things, Tivo. Brad's allegedly pissed at Angelina for secretly recording episodes of her ex Jonny Lee Miller's detective series Elementary; she initially said she was curious to see Miller's acting and how he had aged (and told Brad the show was so bad she couldn't get through the first episode), but continued to tape the show behind his back. And the kids think Jonny is cool. Tough break. Nevertheless, I still believe that a few rounds of lion sex can solve any marital problem between two extremely rich Pretties. [National Enquirer]

Those crazy lovebirds also might be going to live in Sydney for a bit. [Herald Sun]

Charlie Sheen
, Winner, Warlock, recipient of Tiger Blood transfusion, and the only person who in Hollywood might be dripping with more cocaine flop sweat than Brett Ratner
, is under investigation for threatening to murder some guy with a Super 90 semi-automatic shotgun. Perhaps the most important element here is that he didn't even threaten the guy directly, but texted it to some woman
as a venting thing, as if she would respond like "Sure, this is totally NOT fucking horrifying, see you tonight at our tapas place!!! :DDDD"[TMZ
]

The trolls of Twitter emerged from under bridges and began savagely biting the legs of disappointed Romney/Ryan supporter Melissa Joan Hart shortly after President Obama won the election. One user called her "a fat, unbankable, untalented, uneducated, neo-con, bad mum, child star from the 80s." And more succinctly: "hey Sabrina, f**k you." [Starpulse]

Speaking of '90s teen icons who voted Mittens, Stacey Dash has released her very own political manifesto, which covers "sleeping, hanging chads, her baby, her DNA, Osama Bin Laden ... and she also refers to herself in the 3rd person." Click through for a PDF. [TMZ]

George Clooney's
sister Adelia Zeidler
would like to put any gay rumors about her brother to rest in the wake of his split from Stacy Keibler
: she says they're "ridiculous." "I think he decided that in his life he could have the career or he could have a family. I know everyone says ‘Well, Warren Beatty
said he'd never get married and then he met Annette Bening.
' But you know that's the only example people can think of, so it doesn't bode too well." Wait, did we ever really think George Clooney was gay? Was I taking the day off that morning? [NYDN
]

This is the video for H&M chanteuse and Brian Williamsnemesis Lana Del Rey's "Bel Air," the closing single off her new EP. [YouTube]

NBC's anchordude Brian Williams and blog villain Nick Denton are pals. They have mutual…
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"In Hollywood, I'm obese. I'm considered a fat actress. I'm Val Kilmer in that one picture on the beach... [I'll never lose weight for a part because] I don't want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I'm going to skip dinner.' That's something that I was really conscious of during training... I was trying to get my body to look fit and strong, not thin and underfed." —Jennifer Lawrence [Radar Online]

Carrie Fisher wants to reprise her role in the new Star Wars movie. [TMZ]

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are feuding over their parents' divorce: Jessica's on Tina's side and Ashlee on Joe's. [Radar Online]

A Ukranian pop star is saying that Carly Rae Jepsen jacked the tune of our nation's national anthem "Call Me Maybe" from her song. [TMZ]

Jermaine Jackson is changing his last name to "Jacksun." Otay. [Bossip]

Watch Ke$ha's new video for "Die Young" because this is how she describes it: "Well it's about me being a cult leader at the end of the world, and everybody else is kind of being scared and hiding." In other words, Thursday. [YouTube]

Leonardo DiCaprio is selling his Malibu beachfront house for a gajillion dollars. [LA Times]

The funny thing about this picture of Justin B33bo getting kissed on each cheek by Victoria's Secret models is that my dad has exactly the same shot in his bar mitzvah album from 1965 except it's two awkward girls from Canarsie and he looks really uncomfortable. True story. [Us Weekly]

Meanwhile, Victoria's Secret model Candice Swanepoel is getting a lot of attention for Tweeting a picture of her concave stomach. [Us Weekly]