The Death of Gay Dating Apps

I remember when gay dot com...make that A O L was the only game online. No twinges of nostalgia for that because it was always, without fail, the same 23 guys in major cities everywhere doing or saying nothing different to try to meet someone. Mind you, these were often two kinds of men...those with no intentions of being caught dead near another gay person, or those who have done the bars, coffee shops, prides, etc and got tired of the same two dozen guys who were always at those events and nothing ever changed there either.

As predicted, gay dot com couldn't go on this way: 8-10 years you could be away,sign on and it's the same 'ol guys that've always been there. After a while I think a lot of guys simply gave up. If these were our choices, I guess we'd have to choose nothing. Then there was a brief moment when the iPhone apps were really advancing and there seemed to be an app for every niche within the gay community. This is where we created a monster, and saw how evil, cruel and throwaway gay men are with each other. Suddenly settings were created so only guys who fit exactly 100% what you're looking for would reply. Thousands of empty inboxes later, I think many of us now know the guys we wish to fucking God were 1) gay and 2) mutually interested and available aren't as readily available as we thought. Which makes life pretty fucking miserable: when you've been fantasizing and counting on meeting 'that guy' and did everything humanly possible and nothing happened, then what? There are no apps for that.

It's great that marriage is passing in a lot of states but nobody's really learning how to crawl before they walk...so many guys want this marriage ready relationship on the first try and that sometimes takes 20-30 years, even longer for us since so many of us ever had an adolescence where we learned the 'basics' and how to have a relationship as a man with another man. How to compromise sexually. It seems our two solutions of dealing with conflict are either 'Get out!' or 'I'm leaving!' and we never speak again. This is not how you develop relationship skills that will someday lead to marriage. This is how you develop patterns that set the stage for the failed relationships you'll have the rest of your life.

So I took the long way here. Now how do we meet? We've put up walls on apps and websites to prevent those we deem not good enough to talk to us out. Gay coffee shops, bars, even dances have been scaled back and even closed over the last decade. It appears to me that everyone is sitting on these sites waiting for the other guy (everyone is seeking an alpha male but nobody seems to possess any of those qualities) to make the first move. But the other guy is waiting for someone to say something first, and in the middle of all this are these blocks and settings to keep away 95% of the other members from talking to you. So are we all just wasting our time on these apps waiting for some fantasy that's never going to happen? Do we really want to learn how to date or did marriage equality just seem like something that was nice to talk about but clearly would never apply to you in your lifetime?

Have you considered moving to a different city? I always thought Toronto had a pretty healthy gay scene, but maybe I was wrong??

You're a good looking guy, you clearly take care of yourself and are in shape, I'm having trouble figuring out how you've been dating for so long and haven't found anyone who wants a relationship. Your posts come off as very negative - are you maybe projecting that in real life too?

I've met quite a few guys that are looking for a relationship and/or are ready for one. This site alone has tons of coupled guys. Sure, there are shallow people in the gay world (as anywhere), but the situation isn't as dire as you proclaim.

Online dating sites can be useful. Try OKCupid or POF, they are probably more relationship centered than Grindr.

This lazy arse version of being gay annoys me! For goodness sake why aren't people ( in general) able to watch the world as they go about their day anymore? everyone looking down at a synthesised version of the world through a smart phone. Look up and you never know there may be a nice great guy right next to you.

I'm not on any of these apps and have no trouble at all, no matter where I am ( and I get into some strange and awkward places lol) finding a bonk, a date or if I'm in the market a guy to start a relationship with.

i met two boyfriends on grindr and it really works. it works because people are sleazy on there and real. just like in a gay bar. instead of some bs like match.com or okcupid where they try and present a. what they think they "should" project or b. what they think they want (i.e. what they think they "should" want). grindr gets right to the dick. and yet you can be honest about top/bottom, type of relationship desired, etc. very quickly. all while being sleazy and using a sense of humor. there is no propriety or judgment.now if only the grindr-born relationships had lasted. but hey... it's grindr.

There is no substitute for getting out of the house and meeting guys, you get more realness out there and face to face interaction is a better test of chemistry. A lot of good guys are not anywhere on the internet, they do their looking in the real world and that's why you need to really get out there. That's not to say that there aren't good guys on the internet, but it can't be a substitute for the old fashioned method of going out.

So push yourself to be more of an alpha male. Not that tough to do. I have found a combination of online and real-life social networking groups works (MeetUp is great, and your local gay and lesbian centre). Getting into the mix is definitely part of getting known and knowing other guys.

I like being in a relationship. Whenever I have wanted one, I have sought and found one. When I have wanted to be solo, I have done that, too. I tend to like both quite a bit. I'm pretty much over casual sex, but enjoy friends with benefits in special circumstances. I'm not some god or anything, and I seem to find guys that are of high quality, interesting, and honorable.

Judging from the divorce statistics, nobody has a monopoly on relationship expertise. And whether we're single or not, we could all learn something about compromise, caring, and making someone else happy.

You're right that some of us use the technology of the Internet to limit our choices when we should be using the reach of the Web to expand them. Having a list of demands another person must meet -- particularly if that list contains more than a handful of items -- could narrow your pool of potential mates to zero.

I don't know that gay dating apps or social networking sites are the problem. They are tools that can be used to make things better or worse. Personally, I have found every one of my past boyfriends through online sources. They have all been exceptional people, and I feel that each time I get a little closer to getting it right.

I agree with you that it's partly about maturity, partly about learning relationship skills, partly about reasonable expectations, and partly about what we put into it. In short, it's about getting our heads out of our asses.

But I wouldn't throw away the baby with the bathwater. There are few restrictions on whom you can connect with on this site. Why not resolve to contact just one interesting person each week, as a start? That's something you can do proactively, without waiting for anyone else. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down these walls! Who knows, that guy may not really be 99 years old, as his profile states. Or maybe 99 isn't so bad as you thought it would be.

Sometime I think people (gay, straight, everyone) are putting the cart before the horse.

Some folks are looking for the perfect match BEFORE dating. Computers, internet dating sites, and all that is giving some folks a sense of how much alike you are before you even date! I find that hysterical.

People need to meet people. People need to make friendships... face to face friendships and see how well (or how poorly) they relate to each other. From there, things may progress into a relationship.

Every relationship needs to start with a first date. If you get rejected, suck it up and try again with someone else. You'll never hit a home run if you never take a swing at a ball.

toronto647 said...nobody's really learning how to crawl before they walk...so many guys want this marriage ready relationship on the first try and that sometimes takes 20-30 years, even longer for us since so many of us ever had an adolescence where we learned the 'basics' and how to have a relationship as a man with another man. How to compromise sexually. It seems our two solutions of dealing with conflict are either 'Get out!' or 'I'm leaving!' and we never speak again. This is not how you develop relationship skills that will someday lead to marriage...

While we might not have adolescent experience of dating guys, plenty of str8 people (I would imagine most of them) don't get that adolescent partnering experience either, yet they manage later in life to form healthy, intimate partnerships. We're no different.

Because we develop transferable skills. So if you know how to not throw away, say, your family members, your other platonic relationships, if you don't treat others in your life like toilet paper, then you can transfer those skills to a successful man on man relationship.

As to compromising sexually, that's only required in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't match up sexually. My issue with that is wondering how much damage compromise can do to a person's psyche. If a guy doesn't enjoy anal sex but he only lets another guy fuck him to keep a relationship, how is that possibly good for his brain. That's gotta create all sorts of conflicting structures. The top might be getting off on what he perceives as the other guy's submission. But for the guy playing bottom, if he is not really a bottom, how is that not rape? That can't be good. Whereas there are other guys who get off on bottoming or enjoy, I guess, anal for any other number of reasons.

So what if the top is actually versatile but the bottom isn't into topping. So the bottom again compromises by taking a Viagra to be able to fuck the versatile top. So now the one guy's dick is hard to perform an act that doesn't naturally get him hard. How in the fuck is that possibly good for someone's psyche? Compromise, my ass, not.

If people are loyal to each other. If they are not in the habit of throwing others away, they don't have to compromise. They can enjoy a person for what they enjoy with that person, while fulfilling other needs elsewhere.

It is not required that everyone play the same level of chess or tennis to partner. There is not just one other person in the world.

If you find the one perfect match, excellent, not impossible. But when you limit yourself to the improbable, you increase the chances of living all of life alone.

If you use any of these sites to find a BF you're missing the boat. Online sites are sold as matchmakers or hookup sites but the reality is that they should only be used as an opportunity to be introduced to another person. It's not different than walking into a bar or bowling alley and seeing many others there. You scan the crowd and identify guys you think are physically attractive and then begin your hunt. You introduce yourself and other guys (not on your radar) introduce themselves to you. Suddenly you're in conversation (text) with many people, some of your doing, others of theirs.

In the long run, just as being out in public, the work is yours. You need to initiate or return the introduction. Gay.com and all the other sites will work to provide you with a group of guys to say hi to but YOU must do the work of furthering any introduction, whether it be from a meetup.com come site or an adam4adam site.

Go forth and meet….use whatever site YOU'RE comfortable with but don't expect the site to be your matchmaker, you still need to do ALL the work.

[i]While we might not have adolescent experience of dating guys, plenty of str8 people (I would imagine most of them) don't get that adolescent partnering experience either, yet they manage later in life to form healthy, intimate partnerships. We're no different.

Because we develop transferable skills. So if you know how to not throw away, say, your family members, your other platonic relationships, if you don't treat others in your life like toilet paper, then you can transfer those skills to a successful man on man relationship.

As to compromising sexually, that's only required in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't match up sexually. My issue with that is wondering how much damage compromise can do to a person's psyche. If a guy doesn't enjoy anal sex but he only lets another guy fuck him to keep a relationship, how is that possibly good for his brain. That's gotta create all sorts of conflicting structures. The top might be getting off on what he perceives as the other guy's submission. But for the guy playing bottom, if he is not really a bottom, how is that not rape? That can't be good. Whereas there are other guys who get off on bottoming or enjoy, I guess, anal for any other number of reasons.

So what if the top is actually versatile but the bottom isn't into topping. So the bottom again compromises by taking a Viagra to be able to fuck the versatile top. So now the one guy's dick is hard to perform an act that doesn't naturally get him hard. How in the fuck is that possibly good for someone's psyche? Compromise, my ass, not.

If people are loyal to each other. If they are not in the habit of throwing others away, they don't have to compromise. They can enjoy a person for what they enjoy with that person, while fulfilling other needs elsewhere.

It is not required that everyone play the same level of chess or tennis to partner. There is not just one other person in the world.

If you find the one perfect match, excellent, not impossible. But when you limit yourself to the improbable, you increase the chances of living all of life alone.

It's funny how I completely agreed with you on what constitutes an unhealthy compromise, yet I wholeheartedly disagree with your solution. It almost sounds like you're saying to be less picky, or to tolerate an open relationship if you wouldn't normally engage in one. How about gays just figure out WHO they are first and foremost, and THEN seek out someone compatible? Since you brought up the top/bttm examples... how about gays sleep around a little bit to figure out what they like, and then seek out someone compatible to that, instead of just focusing on personality and getting "needs met elsewhere" as u put it?

eb925guy saidIf you use any of these sites to find a BF you're missing the boat. Online sites are sold as matchmakers or hookup sites but the reality is that they should only be used as an opportunity to be introduced to another person. It's not different than walking into a bar or bowling alley and seeing many others there. You scan the crowd and identify guys you think are physically attractive and then begin your hunt. You introduce yourself and other guys (not on your radar) introduce themselves to you. Suddenly you're in conversation (text) with many people, some of your doing, others of theirs.

In the long run, just as being out in public, the work is yours. You need to initiate or return the introduction. Gay.com and all the other sites will work to provide you with a group of guys to say hi to but YOU must do the work of furthering any introduction, whether it be from a meetup.com come site or an adam4adam site.

Go forth and meet….use whatever site YOU'RE comfortable with but don't expect the site to be your matchmaker, you still need to do ALL the work.

Buddy of mine points out dating fatigue in large cities is ridiculous. Having so many options means the least incompatibility means you lose interest because you have so many other options, and this is for everyone gay and straight.

Secondly, this lifestyle has only recently become socially acceptable. Hopefully the next generation can have a chance at a more healthy upbringing and the accompanying social skills that come with this acceptance.

IzzyMusc saidIt's funny how I completely agreed with you on what constitutes an unhealthy compromise, yet I wholeheartedly disagree with your solution. It almost sounds like you're saying to be less picky, or to tolerate an open relationship if you wouldn't normally engage in one. How about gays just figure out WHO they are first and foremost, and THEN seek out someone compatible? Since you brought up the top/bttm examples... how about gays sleep around a little bit to figure out what they like, and then seek out someone compatible to that, instead of just focusing on personality and getting "needs met elsewhere" as u put it?

No, I would never say that, as you put it, because I don't believe it. That would present the same situation but in reverse. An open relationship obviously only works for people who don't have jealousy issues involving sexuality while having a great deal of loyalty to both their partner and to their relationship.

Someone more inclined to a jealous nature or someone with, for whatever other reason, insecurity issues, or who simply values highly monogamy will--I would think--likely experience similar damage to the psyche from trying to be open in a relationship as would someone who compromises on their sexual preference for the sake of monogamy. Depending upon which causes less damage, I suppose, is the way they'll go.

One of the complications of being gay is that we do have a lot of sexual experience so by that we know ourselves really well, certainly better than two str8 virgins who marry. Yikes. Do we know ourselves too well? Is that possible when a goal of life is knowing the self? So in an ideal world, what you say would be great, find out what turns you on and then match that. But there's practicality issues to consider.

Besides that not everyone satisfies all needs of another because our chemistry often depends on the person we are with, even when there's a great deal of sexual compatibility, I wonder if sexuality is the highest calling of a relationship. It's not as if we are having sex 24/7 with each other. Of my two longest relationships, one was very sexual, the other not at all, both extremely satisfying.

The other practical aspect concerning me is simply that there's not a lot of choice. We are rare in this world. Our options are already limited by our numbers. Why then would we increase our odds for isolation when right over there is a party!

Since my partner and I don't go out to gay bars while traveling (not prudes! just not into loud music, drunks, etc we don't go out when home, either) we began to use the apps as a way to get to know other guys in cities we travel to.Didn't work.

I've noticed the following: Guys seem to suffer from "Gay Amnesia"...they really talk a good game when you're 900 miles away, but suddenly forget how to chat or even acknowledge a text, email or message when you are in their city!

I have dated guys who I met online. In fact, I have only ever dated guys I met online. It really is not that difficult, but you need to make the leap from online chat to meeting up in person. Of course, it is fine to have friends online, some of who you may never meet in person, but if you're looking for a date, don't spend weeks chatting to the guy or it probably won't go any further than that.