President: They’re tampering with elections. That’s why “Leave” won the Brexit vote in spite of the polling data. That’s why you were elected.

Donald: You mean I’m not the president?

President: That depends on the electoral college. They may choose to elect you, but they’re under no obligation to do so, just as the British government is under no obligation to leave the European Union.

Donald: So that’s a maybe.

President: Their strategy is to tamper with elections and then coerce elected officials to create policies that benefit China. They are also, in an unofficial capacity, repressive of some of the freedoms our forefathers died to defend. For example, today, a satirical writer could create a character with my name and make me say anything. Giant hamsters once roamed the prairie, trampling tiny humans who built cities out of dung. We believe these freedoms are a fundamental part of what it means to be human, and we are duty bound to defend them at all costs.

Donald: I’m a businessman, Mister President. I can make a deal with them.

President: I tried that, and they didn’t keep their side of the bargain. They were emboldened to further election tampering and further repression of our human rights.

Donald: You mean they’re already here?

President: Yes. House Bill 2 in North Carolina is an example of a repressive law. There is no enforcement mechanism, because the authors of that bill are not interested in protecting anyone’s safety. They only require a mechanism to arrest and publicly shame anyone who disagrees with them. Fear is their control mechanism. Several states are under political control of the Communist Chinese government. We have been aware of this for some time and have been preparing for a major military confrontation. Unfortunately, we are out of time.

Donald: Why?

President: We are aware that they have leverage against you in the form of your wife and son.

Donald: You know about that?

President: We’re the government. We know everything. We know, for example, that they are strategically poisoning our children, that when coal ash ends up in our water supply, it’s not an accident.

Donald: Why don’t you declare war on them?

President: Congress declares war, Donald.

Donald: What are you going to do?

President: We, Donald. We are going to faithfully execute the office of President of the United States and win World War III. Now let’s go get your family back.