We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I've been reading as many posts as I can get my hands on regarding the topic of marriage in a long-term relationship. Would love some advice right now.

I have been with my bf for a little over 3 years. We have been living common-law for two. In the beginning of the relationship we talked a bit about marriage and all, but that conversation died off over the course of the relationship. We have a great relationship, we are like two peas in a pod in almost every aspect and things have even gotten better since moving in together...except.... (key word)... after a few years of being together and NOT discussing the future in any definite terms, I've now found out that he doesn't want to be married.

This is news to me. We HAD talked about it briefly in the past, but my clue should have been that we haven't talked about it in a couple of years on any serious terms.

He doesn't know if he never wants to be married, or just doesn't want to be married right now, but knows that he doesn't want it to happen for a LOOONNNGGGG (read: undetermined) time. This is no good to me. We are both in our late 20's...heading into our thirties in a year/two years. I am at the point in my life where, although I don't want a family/marriage right NOW, I want it sometime soon and I'm not willing to wait another year for someone if they don't want that same thing. It's a issue that I won't budge on and quite honestly I don't feel that he should have to budge on. Why be with someone that doesn't want you in the same way. I want my husband to WANT me, passionately, in that way. But if in the end we cannot come to an agreement about how our future should be together, it needs to end.

So, we've talked seriously about it for a couple of days. My heart is breaking right now, but we had another chat about it and I've given him one month to come to a decision - yay or nay. If it's the former, he needs to WANT to get married (not do it because it's something I want to do), and it needs to happen in the next year or two. If it's the latter, then so be it. I cannot bear to think of what it will be like without him in my life and it would be so incredibly difficult, but I have to do it. I told him that as he makes his decision, to really think about what he wants and do it with an honest, open heart. I don't want him telling me something that I want to hear just so that we can be together for a little bit longer. I want it to be the truth. And I want him to want it.

Did I do the right thing, giving him a month? Should I have less time/ more time? Has anyone out there gone through the same thing and how did it turn out for you?

I think one of the hardest ways to end a relationship is when absolutely nothing has ever gone wrong between the two of you. It just seems so cruel and unfair, but such is life I guess?

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I don't know about the 1-month deadline--have no real idea what kind of a deadline a person should have. I do think it's right to be clear about what you need and to follow through. Did youy bf say why he doesn't want to be married? I had a very similar situation with my first true love. We broke up at the end of 3 years because he'd gone from very early on being on the marriage track to saying things about how he never wanted to get married. It was pretty devastating, but for us, it was the absolute right thing to do. His life changed so much after we broke up, that it was clear to me that, even though he did love me, he'd grown away and didn't want to spend his life with me. This all turned out for the best as my current true love is fantastic, even more compatible with me, and ready for marriage.

On the other hand, two friends of mine recently "broke up" with their guys who said they didn't want to get married any time soon and found out they changed their minds pretty quickly--though no one has a ring yet, so who knows if they mean it or are stalling. I'm sure you'll get more than few replies here that ultimatums don't work, but I think you have a very healthy attitude towards this. You just want to know if you can share your life with this man and don't want to force him. I hope he steps up.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I recommend reading, The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He's Going to Marry You--in 30 Days or Less. Some women are put off by the cook book nature of the process it explains. However, I think they are not clear of the books intent. If you are looking for a long term dating partner the book is of no value.

Most happily married men say that they knew almost immediately when they met their wife that they wanted to marry them. Happily married men showed an immediate interest making their intent clear verbally. Obviously, many get married after years of dating. But if a woman is looking specifically for a man that also wants to be married and particularly to her, questions usually don't need to be asked as to his intent. He makes it know very early. Happily married men say they knew right away she was the one and wanted her out of the pool of available women as soon as possible.

Your live in bf will not likely be buillied into marriage, as men that want to be married jump at the opportunity when it is the woman they want to be married to.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

Exactly my sentiments. I told him that, too. I guess it is and it isn't an ultimatum. However, I need to be honest about my feelings and my goals, and he needs to know this, and vice versa. I think that after THREE years he should know, but I'm giving him an extra month to really mull things over as he asked for this time. And I also said that I want him to to make his decision as honestly as possible. I told him not to tell me something that he thinks I want to hear, tell me what he really wants for his life. I am not one to pressure someone into a decision as big as this one, but afterall...we have been living together for 2 years. Marriage should not be such a scary prospect unless you are not in the game.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I don't think the problem is giving him the ultimatum to decide in a months time if you're willing to risk a negative answer.
What does NOT work is giving him the "year or two" for the wedding to happen.
That leaves the door open for him to say "Yes, in a year or two". And in a year or two you'll still be right where you are today.

My husband was 32 when we met and he knew pretty much right away that I was someone he wanted to marry. He proposed in 6 weeks and were married within the year.
I've never been totally comfortable with the ultimatum - I would have advised moving out until he decided he wanted to legally commit to a marriage relationship instead of getting everything for free.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

Yes, of course...if he says "Yes, let's get married", the engagement has to happen ASAP or it's not worth my time. However, I am also not getting married the day after he decides, obviously. I do think he will be honest with his answer, though. He is an honest guy and I'm pretty sure that he'll make an honest decision.

I don't want to think of it as an ultimatum, but in the end it needs to be addressed as time is a-ticking and I need to realize my goals in life, too.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I wouldn't have set such a deadline. You want him to marry because he truly wants it, not because he felt pressure from you. I think after 3 years, he should already know whether he wants to marry you or not. Clearly he doesn't. Ask yourself this. Would you want to be married to a guy who only married you because you gave him a deadline?

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

Yes, but after three years I also need to know, don't you think? Why wait another year if he never wants to get married/doesn't want to get married with me? The reason I brought it up is that in the beginning this WAS something we both agreed on. Now, it is not. For my own sanity and well-being as well as his, we need to be honest about this. It's not like we met 3 weeks ago and I'm giving him a month to propose.We've been together for 3 years. Giving him a month is bonus, if you ask me. If he doesn't know by now, what is waiting another year going to accomplish? If I don't set my own limits, I'm could be waiting another 15 years and missing out on my ideal life.

As I told him, I'm not one to make you do something you don't want to do. If he doesn't want to marry me or just get married period, I am not one to force him to do that. And, I don't think he should have to compromise his ideals to be with me (as I shouldn't have to do for him). But at the same time, I also need to know as soon as possible so I can get on with my life.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

My brother in low lives engaged with his fiancei for at least 5 y, they live together and he is fine with that. But she is in her 50th with 2 grown up kids from previous marriage so it is fine with her.
Your bf can keep you on fiancei status for years if he is not eager to marry. You are right to be wanting serious relationship at this age. For man find somebody easier at any age (in general).

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I'm feeling more and more discouraged in this situation. So what is a good thing to do? Give him a month/2 months to come to a decision? Make him decide now? If he decides that he wants to have a future, then what? Should I expect a marriage in the next 2 weeks? 2 months?? 2 years?? Of course I don't want to be put on the backburner, but some waiting is involved if he decides he wants to continue. Some of you say give him more time to think? Some of you say give him no time. What should I do? I'm confused.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I have no problems with ultimatums or deadlines or anything else you want to call it. The problem is not inherent with the ultimatum; the problems only arise when the person offering it backs down and cannot live up to their end of the ultimatum. So, offer one if you need to, just never offer one if you cannot live by it yourself.

Ultimatums are not negatives, they are simply stating a persons position and identifying what they can and cannot live with; this is a good thing. An ultimatum simply says, "I want to be married, this is very important to me, I wan it to be you that I am married to, however, I cannot wait any longer for you to decide. Therefore, if you cannot commit to marrying me, I need to move on so I have time to organize my life and meet the man that does want to marry me"

That is not a bad thing unless you back out of your position. As to forcing him into it, no one will get married unless they want to. You have a right to your wants and needs and he has a right to decide if your wants and needs are the same or not. It is simple and an ultimatum will help bring this problem to a resolution. Not necessarily a joyous one, but that is not the primary objective of an ultimatum.

Women that live with a man waiting and waiting end up waiting and waiting. There are several here that have lived with a man thas said they did not believe in marriage and had their bf leave them for a woman they married.

Men have no problem committing to marriage with the woman they want to marry. How long does it take to wait to see if he decided if you are that woman or not?

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

You know, I don't think you need to really defend your point of view on this. You sound completely reasonable. While I agree with the others that often men know very quickly if they want to marry someone, that may be more true for men in their 30's. My fiance certainly knew right away. However, I know lots of people who got married after dating 5+ years--it's just that they all started dating in their early 20's and didn't feel ready for all the implications of being married (e.g. a grown up) until they were in their late 20's. Most of those couples had a bit of a rough time their first year but all seem quite happy now.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cricketchicket

He doesn't know if he never wants to be married, or just doesn't want to be married right now, but knows that he doesn't want it to happen for a LOOONNNGGGG (read: undetermined) time.

I know this might not be what you want to hear, but you already have your answer. He doesn't want to get married. And if your guy has had doubts all this time, those doubts will still be there next month. I agree with music4all. Most men know right away if the girl they're with is someone they want to marry. You're in a tough position but you do need to find the right person for you. That means a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you (and knows it). Many years of unhappiness and lonliness await women who settle. This is an important decision for you and I hope you won't settle.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I think you may see from his answer if he really wants to marry or will try to postpone marriage for too long (like 1+ year).
I know guys who married after women give them ultimatum or get prego and it worked and there are cases when it ended in divorce.

Re: We had "the chat" about marriage. I've given him a month...my heart is breaking. :(

I personally don't feel comfortable with ultimatums (giving or receiving them). I also don't feel that a man or woman should be given one to make such a decision. I understand that you want to know and you want to know soon. But let me put it this way: What if he says that he does want to marry you...eventualy, but doesn't want to commit to being engaged quite yet. You will leave him, right? Well, as much as it is true that you have the right to find the right man, what makes you think that he wouldn't be the right one simply because he doesn't want to commit?

Sometimes women just have to be patient. Besides with the divorce rate being so high these days, it IS wise to wait. I am of the idea that people should not get married until after they've reached their 30's.

Also, I think he already knows what his decision is. No man or woman should need 30 days to know whether he wants to be married to the other person. Were you maybe hoping that when you gave him the ultimatum he would propose right away?

Or looking on the bright side, maybe he is planning a surprise proposal...who knows...I'm sorry as I know you are in a tough position right now: to leave the man you love in pursuit of marriage and possibly marrying someone who may not be as compatible as your current b/f...but then again, life is about taking risks.