Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 14 in the NFL happen as they did.

Hello my children. I trust that you enjoyed the bounty of football goodness I provided for this, the 14th week of the NFL season. As the regular season winds down we turn our attention to the holiday season. For Me the holidays are a lonely time when all the love and worship is doled out to Jesus and his ex-boyfriend, Santa. And what do I get? Not a single Me damned thing, that’s what. This is why I’ve always been such a strong proponent of the Secret Santa method of giftology. You see, everyone gets together and picks a name out of a hat, and the name you draw will be the recipient of a special gift. This way everyone gets a piece of the sweet holiday action, and anybody who receives a particularly awesome present is compelled to reciprocate with sexual gratification. Keeping that in mind, let’s get down to some explanations.

-The 49ers of San Francisco defeated the misguided Jets of New York because one special young lady prayed to me on behalf of her Secret Santa recipient.

The giftee, shown here in actual size.

This tiny little man is Dexter, who in addition to serving as the obnoxiously loud yeller coxswain for Harvard’s Lightweight Crew team, is a huge homer for his San Francisco 49ers. Dexter’s Secret Santa was so earnest in her (or his!) request that I had little choice but to alter the trajectory of Brad Smith’s lateral to send it into his own endzone. Had it not been for that timely gust of wind Leon Washington would have taken the kick back for a touchdown, but such is the power of Secret Santa. Now Dexter it is your duty to reciprocate with mouth love when your mysterious benefactor makes himself (or herself!) known.

Oh, and you should probably kick some money over to Fisher House as well. I mean come on, you’re on the fucking Harvard crew team for fuck’s sake, you kind of owe the rest of the world a little something. Speaking of which, is Hector Elizondo still coaching crew up there? I always liked that guy.

-The Patriots of New England were allowed to come from behind to win against the Seahawks of Seattle because I’m setting up their entitled fans for the greatest downfall imaginable. You see, taking away Tom Brady, Tedy Bruschi, and all of their running backs has done nothing to curtail their hubris. This is why I will continue to allow their success, right up until the playoffs. Then, when all of the Massholes have reached the apex of assholery I will strike down Bill Belichick with a lightning bolt at the exact moment that the Patriots are eliminated.

-The Vikings of Minnesota overcame a spirited effort from the Lions of Detroit because I just love riling up the citizenry of Detroit. Oh what, you don’t like your offensive linemen? Well then why don’t you show them by setting random cars on fire? It’s what your parents and grandparents would have done!

-The Texans of Houston defeated the Packers of Green Bay because I have Matt Schaub on my fantasy team and I really needed to make the playoffs. We have a loose “no tampering” rule in our all-deity fantasy league, but that didn’t stop Yahweh when I played against He and Sage Rosenfels during Week 9. No way a that JewB throws two touchdowns on the Vikings defense without some help from above.

-The Saints of New Orleans were victorious against the Falcons of Atlanta because I had just watched this documentary and I was feeling pretty bad for turning their city into the country’s largest (and fourth dirtiest) wave pool.

-I didn’t give an explanation for the particular game you’d hoped because I secretly hate you and wish you’d never been born into my kingdom.

Oh, and in case anyone out there drew My name, I’ve had my eye on this hood thong for a while now…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up My bathroom floor.

Thanks, God! And thanks to ShareBro Alex for the hood thong inspiration.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Update: Okay okay, you coughed up some cash, so here’s your token girl with gun pic of the day. Enjoy.

“Once a year, we will write each broker’s name on a slip of paper and then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he has drawn. He will be that broker’s ‘Secret Santa.'”

12.09.08 at 12:22 pm

Barren Rodgers

“Then, when all of the Massholes have reached the apex of assholery”

Shouldn’t it be Massholery?

12.09.08 at 12:24 pm

TDub

The 9mm necklace on the lil’ bow wow wannabee is a fantastic touch.

12.09.08 at 12:30 pm

Unsilent Majority

Hang up the phone, son, you’re on the internet

12.09.08 at 12:32 pm

Unsilent Majority

Drew, that’s a +1

12.09.08 at 12:32 pm

jackin'4beats

Straight outta Frisssssco crazy motherf**ker named Dex-ter
From the gang called Cong from Exeter
I’m called off, but I don’t got a ssssawed off
Just have to imagine that bodiessssss are hauled off

I’m comin’ straight outta Frisssssco…Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy

12.09.08 at 12:35 pm

Favre's Next Interception

God, Can you please reccomend a good football handicapper? I’ve been using some guy named Jack Kogod, but he sucks! By the way, what’s with him using your name? Isn’t that kinda dangerous?

12.09.08 at 12:39 pm

Unsilent Majority

Hey, my picks went 3-1 this week!

12.09.08 at 12:40 pm

Raquel

For Me the holidays are a lonely time when all the love and worship is doled out to Jesus and his ex-boyfriend, Santa. And what do I get? Not a single Me damned thing, that’s what.

Spoken like a true bitter Jew.

“I’m just a Jew…
A lonely Jew…
On Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaaaas.”

12.09.08 at 12:55 pm

Reggie Bush's Pimp

Hey! I think I work with Dexter or someone related to him. He looks the same way, at least.

12.09.08 at 12:56 pm

Animal Mother

Why do You like fucking with the Eagles fans? Giving them hope only to pull the rug out from under them, AGAIN, is just cruel. Year after year it’s the same thing. I guess that’s just Your version of pointing at their shirt and when they look, You crack them in the nose.

Santa Claus better be wearing kevlar this Christmas when he comes to the Linc.

12.09.08 at 1:03 pm

MD2020

Drew: +1

“If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary, that would be bad. As bad as losing the list.”

12.09.08 at 1:12 pm

Kimbo Gash

That Steve Smith TD? I could understand if I had killed a puppy or bought a book on Oprah’s list, but damn…

12.09.08 at 1:24 pm

JewDago

excellent ‘how high’ reference. hector elizondo is great in that.

BUFU?

by us, fuck you.

12.09.08 at 1:27 pm

Slothrop

when all of the Massholes have reached the apex of assholery
Wouldn’t that have been at 14-10, 2:35?

12.09.08 at 1:32 pm

qwijibo

How did you guys get a picture of me and why am I wearing a 49ers jersey?

12.09.08 at 1:39 pm

Stylist Mick

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Jesus came out of the closet? When the fuck did this happen.

12.09.08 at 1:47 pm

Shake

@Barren Rodgers

No, because then that would mean that Massholes were only at the peak of their own assholery. That Massholes have reached the more intolerable point they have ever attained. That is a subset of the intended statement.

The original says that Massholes have reached the height of a assholery. They have surpassed all other types of assholes.

12.09.08 at 2:12 pm

Natrone Means Business

KSK needs it own secret santa. I think I speak for everyone when I say I don’t have enough double sided 2 ft long dildos or butt-plugs.

12.09.08 at 2:54 pm

Captain Murphy

Does that mean the New England fans who aren’t from Mass are safe? I mean, people from NH, ME, RI, and VT hate them too…

12.09.08 at 2:55 pm

Sanchez

Hey God? I hope your not fucking with me over this whole Dolphins revival thing. If we’re not going to make the playoffs could you just have us lose to the 9’ers this weekend? Thanks.

12.09.08 at 4:12 pm

Tom

To: the Gay Mafia

I gave money to your charity scam.

We were promised hot chicks with guns. Please produce them, or I’ll be forced to defraud yet another charity in order to re-coop my money. God Bless.

12.09.08 at 4:44 pm

Genny

The young lady in the hood-thong appears to have spaghetti coming from her nipples and that is intensely disturbing to me. I’d like God to explain why in the hell I had to see that image today.

12.09.08 at 4:47 pm

Jersey

Atmosphere. It’s a ten letter word.

12.09.08 at 5:37 pm

Hit Dog

“Don’t leave the client’s money lying around. Keep it in a safe place. For example: where we keep the list.”

12.09.08 at 6:25 pm

Unsilent Majority

consider yourselves appeased, gun-nuts.

12.09.08 at 7:51 pm

Slothrop

At UM,

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

12.09.08 at 8:12 pm

Dexter

Dear God,

Well I’ll be youdamned, you EXIST!!! I should’ve known there was something up when I was down 26 points in fantasy going into last week Monday night and Steve-O rattles off a nice round 30 puntas to put me and Houston up for the win. Naturally, this changes things drastically. Of course, I will no longer be praying to Wall Street or that schmuck who teaches my poli sci class; would you like your sacrificial goat eviscerated or just roasted? I mean, the 9ers are playing Miami next week, so I will slice, boil, grate, marinate–or whatever the heck you want–that goat.

Youdamn that surprised the shit out of me. That santa’s got balls.

Also–message noted about the mouth love.

12.09.08 at 9:30 pm

IrishCream

Hey God,

Quick question: how come the Jets can beat teams like New England, Tennessee, and the Dolphins, but lose to teams like the Raiders, Broncos, and the Niners? CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME?!?

Sincerely,
Drunk

12.09.08 at 10:04 pm

RN Azriel

assholery was good. asshat would have been acceptable as well.

To Drunk above, its b/c the Jets are a raging dumpster fire, that’s why

12.09.08 at 11:53 pm

IrishCream

If a flaming bag of assholes like the Tampa Bay Bucs can win a Super Bowl, why not a dumpster fire?

12.10.08 at 12:09 am

foxxy brown

“I will strike down Bill Belichick with a lightning bolt at the exact moment that the Patriots are eliminated”