I Don't Want To Turn 50 Like This

Sunday, 13 August 2017

It feels as though there are changes happening yet again. Like another wave of crap to deal with.

I have been asking myself OK so why now? Why all the 'dealing with stuff" now? Why not 5 years ago when I wasn't drinking so much - why now?

Why?

My daughter said on the phone the other day "this happened ....... and that was before you were drinking so much so it couldn't be the drinking"

This is something we all deal with, trying to work out when the drinking was the worst and the symptoms and behaviour were obvious. Then the behaviour before that or inbetween which I think is the sneaky gap.

The sneaky gap of when we can't really blame anything for alcohol but the behaviour was still there.

I hope this makes sense.

Anyway I do believe that although alcohol is universally bad (I mean it is ethanol so we can all agree it's not exactly a health product) however there are some of us that have anxiety, stress, depression, head in the sand, whatever, that are more predisposed to alcohol related problems from the get go.

So when we (or me) go back and try to figure out when it all started - we come across the sneaky gap. The time when alcohol wasn't the most prominent in our lives, so how can we pin-point what the hell is/was going on. Then when loved ones say "hey you didn't have a problem in 20__" or "19__" we think....ummm so maybe it's not alcohol after all. This being the failure of many of us sober rabbits - we go back to drinking. It makes sense right?

So maybe it's not the amount of alcohol making this behaviour - but alcohol, in any measure, sure as shit makes whatever it is SO MUCH WORSE.

So - I think I am answering my own question (love this blog) - perhaps I am unpacking heaps of crap right now, but I think in the past when things got tough i would have a drink, so things just never got dealt with. They just sat in the background.

Maybe back then I wasn't pouring a bottle of whisky down my throat, it may have been a wine or 3 but something IN alcohol (like any drug) has it's own myriad of side effects, for the most part, are unpublished. Nobody wants to know. There are the liver disease etc but that is when you are almost dead - any clinical studies done are not widely published because they would compete with the wineries and the supermarkets etc etc. Dr's all drink (ok a complete generalisation) so they don't want to go there - they have spent their life being rich enough to have the best wines so nobody is going to pour water on that thanks.

What happens to our brain function, processing of information, making good decisions - long after the effects have worn off? Perhaps some of us are hit worse than others.

What else could account for me giving up alcohol not just physically - but mentally too - and having to face all of this? It can't be a coincidence.

Friday, 4 August 2017

This was a great realisation for me. All precious things need to be nurtured and treated well - when I was drinking, nothing was really ever given the respect that it deserved.

I think that was because when your brain is such a muddle it is very difficult to sort through what matters and what doesn't. It is all just a big fog and our decision making abilities are marginal.

It wasn't until I stopped that things slowly started to fall into place, especially relationships and making sounder decisions. It wasn't a conscious process, it just started to happen due to perhaps my prospective being completely different.

I had no idea it was as bad as it was until I could look back on the "then" and "now". I still can't really remember the last two years in clarity up to when I stopped drinking in November. It's still foggy and I don't push it.

Many bloggers have said over and over that we need to treat our sobriety with respect (https://ainsobriety.wordpress.com). This is a difficult concept to embrace mentally - well it was for me. I didn't understand the concept of how to do that and it wasn't until about 7 months in that I "felt" what needed to happen.

Like all relationships, the one between ourselves and our well-being (physical and mental health) requires work. Whether it be the gym, our diet or whatever we do have to stop ourselves being excessive in the wrong areas.

It is a natural progression I feel, that given the availability of alcohol and the message of how good it is for us as a stress reliever, our human condition will push the envelope. We will start to use it incorrectly more often than not.

There is no median. There is not "diet". There is not warnings: "if you don't excercise and eat too much you will become overweight" "if you start to feel depressed you need to see a Dr or a counsellor" With alcohol no body want to talk about it so it isn't until you have 7 DYI's and are on a park bench and then it's like "hey better get that person out of society - yuck... let's kick them into that weird program AA for all the losers who can't control themselves".

So it's up to us. We have to look after ourselves. We have to treat our sobriety with the respect and care it deserves. We have to stop thinking of them and us and we aren't part of a club anymore, and concentrate on how we are taking an incredible leap of faith into the future.

One day everyone will know this and we will look like the pioneers of physical and mental health.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Just like Finding a Sober Miracle I am reblogging this wonderful post:

https://brittanybare.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/cautionary-tales/

This is an amazing post and thanks so much for sharing it :)
It is like this giant "unspoken" in many rooms - why the hell should we be ashamed by:
1. getting conned into thinking drinking is cool (and a sensible, normal stress reliever)
2. naturally getting addicted - because it is addictive!
3. going it alone trying to get off the stuff - looked at by others as a fuckup because, as you say, we can't drink "normally"
This has now made me super fucking furious!
More so, how many others are going to follow this amazing artist Nelsan Ellis' footsteps? So many, ... too many.
Michelle xx

PS I can't mention being sober to my mum and dad anymore as they now think the whole thing was really just a silly mistake that I made. Eventually I will get over it and get on with "normal" drinking again.

PPS Some of my friends that I have told that I drank too much and have now given up, if I ever mention it again in passing like "I took drinking far and have stopped" they almost hurry me through the sentence, lots of nodding "mmm mmmm yes". Like I am some kind of either sober advocate, or that the whole situation is yucky and they have boxed it in the embarrassing carton. Or maybe they think I am some Martyr but either way they are visibly uncomfortable.

PPPS Sometimes if I am out and get offered a drink and say I no longer drink as I found it addictive people actually look like they have stepped in dog poo :) I walk away feeling humiliated and vow never to mention it to anyone again.

How dare people make you feel like you should be ashamed or that you don't have the ability to "drink normally" so you are a "them" and not an "us"? They dare because of the conditioning that alcohol is a normal part of a human beings diet. Just like vegetables. We are sheep to the lies of alcohol propaganda.

This ignorance and total con just proves Maynard from Tool's sheep noises to the audience in one of my cd's with Sober on it (the Opiate EP?). Was he perhaps referring to this issue.....

Sunday, 23 July 2017

I really wanted to write this because so many of the lovely bloggers out there that talk about the media and normalising, romanticising etc alcohol use. How it is terrible, how it is annoying, how grating and frustrating hearing about "drinking will solve problems and add to your fun in life"

I didn't really get it at 3 months sober. I secretly wondered why sober people would be annoyed by it if they were SOOO happy not to be drinking. How could it irritate unless they secretly wanted to drink - ha! that was it they deep down love drinking and miss it so are being petty about media.

How wrong could I have been!!! Now 260 odd days in I really get it. Ellen D, who I love, swigging wine and tequila on her show, Facebook, TV, radio, stores ....

The impact it has on us is enormous. The lies and deception is dangerous and makes us feel like we are isolated and a staunch group of sober weirdos.

I wrote this comment today to Lia on an earlier (1 month in) post :

https://givingupdrugsandalcohol.blogspot.co.nz/2016/12/about-how-long-does-this-last.html"I just re-read this, I was so angry and annoyed - thought what is the point if I can't have 'fun".Well it definitely gets so much better and in so many ways. It is difficult when society normalises drinking and you feel like you are out of the club. I woke up to the radio this morning before getting the kids off to school and they were talking about their weekend. Heaps of drinking and drinking and more drinking & how much fun they had. That is only half of the story though, what about what likely happened: massive fight with wife/husband, slept on couch, or left at pub because had a fight with best friend. Spent all day Sunday throwing up convincing myself it was worth it. More angry family. Looked at my phone and realised what I have arranged for the next week which will have to be cancelled and I will look like a flake etc etcThis isn't shared. This isn't romantic. This isn't comedy. This isn't good radio.One-sided alcohol stories is all over the media, facebook in the supermarket.Total rubbish"

What if the other side was immortalised instead - it would go a bit like this:

"Had my period so felt a bit sore and gross but didn't want to miss out. Some of me didn't want to go as I get self-conscious so drank half a bottle of old wine from the fridge because that was all that was left. Drove to the bar, was a bit worried because hadn't eaten but it was early so should be sweet. Got there and everyone was having drinks and felt a bit ugly so ordered shots for everyone (even though i know I am saving) and felt much better.

'Ange' was drunk and her lipstick was up the side of her mouth, had some wine on her shirt but at the end of "dinner" everyone looked really lovely - including me. I better drink more so I can stay longer without getting bored. Two of my friends got into a important argument about whether you should or shouldn't read a Steven King book and ending up calling each other names - everyone laughed. Damn now i definitely need a taxi but their aren't any so will go and stay at someone's house I don't know too well.

Woke up at 7 am felt dry, guilty for not being home with the kids. I have to find my car and get home somehow but everyone is asleep. Called for someone to get me, embarrassed because I look horrible. Got home and threw up, grumpy and my partner hates me because I rang drunk about not coming home then hung up on him but HEY it was SO much FUN last night!!!!"

But that would be like posting an ugly selfie, like telling the truth when someone asks how you are. It doesn't make a good story. So nobody publicly advertises this story, the other one is better.

I never want to do that again. I miss out on nothing by staying in or going out and not drinking. I gain everything.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

All I can say is I am utterly thankful. Thankful that I turned 50 sober, that I made up my mind back in November last year that I didn't want to turn 50 like this and I didn't.

I have been in a bit of a hole since about 26th June, I was waiting for a few days to pass and it would lift. It didn't and I got really worried. I caught a cold and yesterday it lifted, just like that. The day after my birthday - it was probably just a simple cold incubating and affecting my mood.

My kids made my birthday so amazing, they were super excited (even though I was minus 1,000 not) - they made me the most beautiful presents - my daughter made a pack of cards with 26 things she loves about me, each one printed and such thoughtful real-life examples of things I do. I am so lucky I can't believe it, even though the day felt like I had lead gumboots on, it turned out just wonderful. One of the things she wrote at 12 was "I love how mummy gave up alcohol to make our lives and hers better" Wow :)

My son and daughter putting her in the sink

Anyway, what do you do when you are at home school holidays and turning 50? You google how to fix your sick chicken and they say "they love water" so...

Saturday, 8 July 2017

A massive fuss is made over humans taking drugs - but not alcohol. The law states that in most countries drugs are illegal - but not alcohol.

When you take opioids you become euphoric and happy, when you smoke weed you chill out and reinvent the world, on hallucinogens you explore far corners of the mind. On alcohol there there is a mixture of weed and opiate things going on. but irrespective of the exact state of mind these drugs pass onto us humans, the bottom line is we do it to get high. Call it relaxed, but it is a forced unconscious transaction between drug and human - the substance forces the human mind to artificially change.
It blows my mind how there is such a differentiation between drugs and alcohol in society that people actually believe there to be a difference.

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

I have had many lessons since giving up alcohol, it is only now that I feel perhaps I understand this one. I think it is Lesson # 5 but can't remember without looking back over my blog.

I know I started drinking because I was lonely. It was a combination of boredom and the mundane - but the key element was loneliness. My marriage of 15 years didn't work and we separated and then divorced. The got back together and re-married. That didn't work and now we have been seperated for 4 years though he won't sign the divorce papers and it doesn't really matter anyway. I no longer feel like a failure about my marriage but I wish I made better decisions like I did with my money and my kids so my future was romantically secure.

L and I are as good a friends as can be, he is a celebrity and sweeps in and out to see the kids. It's never overnight and just a few hours here and there - he loves them, and I just work things out around when he is available. He calls all the time.

I have a couple of girlfriends and we walk along the beach, or take the dogs out. My kids have some good friends and they come over. I work with people and have two good jobs. I spend too much money but do not struggle. Am close with my parents who ring or I call most days. My oldest daughter away at uni and we are very close - we speak if not each day then every other day.

Why don't I just feel lucky all of the time? Well I guess because that isn't natural, I am learning that it is ok to feel not wonderful ALL of the time (thanks Wendy xx) but I do wish the periods of yuck didn't take this familiar pattern:

1. start to feel a bit "not so good"
2. after about 3 days, despair that it is going on too long
3. start to google other people's lives and compare my life (ridiculous and then I know my spiral is starting)
4. try to stop the downward spiral and get anxious and depressed
5. EVERYTHING feels like shit (this is about day 10) I feel alone. why don't I have a husband who loves me, I am 49 (50 next week in this case, next year in previous cases, next month... it doesn't matter) but the rest of my life is looking like a desolate wasteland of spinsterhood and no cuddles

I hate this cycle. I try to occupy the first three steps by distraction, walking, mindfulness, cognitive behavioural crap.. but inevitably I sink into a state where I don't want to go to work, I don't want to walk the dog who is hanging around my ankles as I write, outside I can hear my chickens calling me to let them into their day run and the rabbit will be hungry. The kids have gone off to school - last night I started to snap at the poor dears. God.

It is the kids and the pets which force me to keep going - but it feels like a weight is attached to my waist and everything is hard.

Finally the fleeting thoughts of drinking pop in and I think - that will solve the immediate problem. It won't, it doesn't, it makes it so much worse. So I am having to face this sober.

The difference between when I was drinking and now is that instead of it feeling like one big moulded disaster, I can see a definition in days, patterns and behavioural side of this. I do know that to be a good thing, but it isn't really helping today.

Saturday, 1 July 2017

I know that I get much pleasure from the small things, especially looking at the fire or feeling the texture of our wallpaper at home that I chose and put up (OK I don't walk around feeling it, just touch it if I am looking out the window or something - I can't dress this up can I? it just sounds bonkers). Buying bits of furniture and fixing them up, polishing my brass animal collection and many other mundane things.

Just as a side note and before you think someone will find me eaten by my own dogs :) I can be practical: I built this house with my ex-husband but he left half-way through so I learned to frame, put in nogs, plaster board, put down undertile heating, put in old floor boards and so much stuff I really could have easily gone my whole life happily never doing. I know how to use every power tool on the market and was scared of the Skill-saw (Circular Saw) for about 3 years but have been forced to add that to the list of tools I have mastered. Angle grinders cut tiles as well as roofing iron, the router is a shit to get right, I have no table saw so learned to use a level and clamps to get a perfect straight edge.

There are still many things that need finishing, but the best thing about all of this is I can choose which area of the "house decorating" or "house building" I want to do next. Having a couple of projects on the go at once lets me decide if I don't feel like sanding the dumb deck. It also stops me from getting overwhelmed - lots of lists with many things on it so the smallest of stuff gets crossed off.

What I am trying to say is: 1. all of us can do absolutely anything in life if we want, have to, need to, etc. I get so many people say to me they could never do it - but they absolutely could. and 2. It may make me sound slight less crazy about the next bit :)

All Alone

There are many silly things I collect (it's not junk if it looks nice) some of which are downright ugly. I love china ducks but I am telling you I have looked for years in NZ for a set and this guy is the best I can find. I really want three so bad!

Warning:
For everyone who has a beautiful beige, black or white
interior home with lots of glass - you will hate this :)

Plates -

The Good

Hiding in the pantry shelf

The Bad

The Ugly

So you must be DYING to know how to hang them! right? No way am I hanging the wombat......well, maybe one day.

Paperclip + Hot Glue

The Result!

PS I put the shelves in using Mahogany decking and the cupboard is on old smashed cabinet which I sawed in half with the circular saw as the cupboard on the end was still intact - then hung it on the wall.

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

What a baby. That's what I have been like since a teenager, always wanting to feel good and wondering what is wrong with me when I don't have a good day everyday.

I don't know how I made it to almost 50 without anyone telling me (more like me not listening) that people don't have good days everyday.

Maybe they do, but it certainly isn't what the average person experiences with kids to worry about, bills to pay, work commitments. That is where drinking came in to help. Now it is gone so my ears have opened. I am listening & there is so much noise.

Un Tipsy (Wendy) said it in a few of her posts, about good and bad periods and it helped me to understand to let it ride - it will pass. It is what it is and we have to just breath through it really. I really hang onto this when times feel rough like the last couple of days.

The simple truth is, there are too many factors that influence how good my week can be - no matter how I try to protect myself.

A teacher at one of my children's school may need to talk with me, it might not go well

My sweet darlings might miss the bus and I have to drive through rush hour to school and back then am late for work - then my boss may be cross

a parent at one of my children's sports events might say something rude

I may genuinely forget to pay something and get a lecture or a rude phone message

I have to cook EVERY night and do the washing EVERY day - I may not feel like it

The car needs gas - I may not feel like getting it

The dog needs a walk - I'm too tired or it's too cold

There has to be FOOD IN THE HOUSE!!! grr shit - it costs money, I have to trudge around with a trolley and buy it, then carry it into the car then into the house - we just eat it, I could have bought a dress (I know)

the kids might not be as helpful with the jobs then I get cross

There are a bloody million reasons why I just can't shield yourself from "stuff" at the moment.

Then if I was retired with no kids at home - who am I kidding, there will always be outside influences that come into the "home" or your "safe place" which are going to affect your sense of well-being.
Even if you had the choice to lock yourself in a vault, that would have much more devastating consequences like the lack of good influences ...

Today I decided after working the morning, I would pop into some 2nd hand shops and look for some fun things to buy - I met an old work mate who told me about what is happening at my old job, how all his relatives are, this and that. Afterwards I felt like my space was ruined. That my relaxed fun stroll around was finished. I have never noticed that before, I never noticed how outside things affect me and how I deal with it.... it was SO weird.

Then I decided to grow up and go home and make the best of the two items I purchased for my kids (disclaimer: my kids love things like this):

This was a medium/large silver box (about the size of your fist) which was black with dirt & was $4 (about 1 pound 50p or US$2.50).

I cleaned it for ages then lined it with olive green velvet and it will be perfect for my daughters little bits she loves.

This was .50c and is a tiny box with a dog-lion on the front (you can't really see it in the photo) and he's nuts about dogs.

I lined it with red velvet as my son has a couple of treasures which will fit perfectly in there. (fossilized dinosaur pooh etc)

Until I learn how to deal with my shit, I have decided to make something productive out of each time I feel stressed / anxious about outside influences. Right off to clean the bloody shed!

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

OK. It's not often I am lost for words however over the last couple of weeks a certain topic is really making me sound like an incoherent idiot.

Usually I can explain myself pretty well (even if it takes a while) or can bluff my way into making reasonable sense when in a physical discussion but this past week or so trying to explain what I am feeling isn't going so well. So I am reaching out for some suggestions - anything you've got.... otherwise I am going to continue looking like I need a wrist tag and a white van to pick me up when I meet a friend at the supermarket.

The subject is alcohol. This is what I am trying to say in points (so jumbled you can see why I can't get it together).

I think alcohol is really bad for everyone

Why? When there are some perfectly happy, well-balanced people who drink...

So maybe alcohol is bad for those with mental disorders, like anxiety, depression, or other things

Does alcohol create these things to get worse or is that age and then we drink to fix it

Why am I suddenly growing up emotionally for the first time ever? When I have had many periods in my life when alcohol wasn't a problem. Why now...is it because I hit my personal "bottom"

I never wanted to be one of those people who think alcohol is bad - but it is really coming on thick and strong. When I up smoking years ago I never disliked people's choice to smoke (I smoke one a day now with my smug morning coffee)

I wanted to be one of those cool people who say "hey I don't drink but it's cool if others do" when, if I am to be REALLY honest, I think there is something really wrong with alcohol, the way it is sold, the light-ness of it's dangers, public perception...

I am sounding like a ranting loony but something is going on and I don't know what

There are SO many changes happening to my mind and "soul" that I am struggling to keep up

Are there people out there that only drink a little on week ends (just a bit) but somehow their whole week is revolving around just that tiny dangling carrot - how bad it that? Perhaps it's a good thing to have something to look forward to if they are (not like me) a sensible drinker.

Is there such a thing?

So there you have it, it is a rambling mess in my head right now. When someone asks how I am, I usually like to say my honest feelings in two sentences of what is happening for me right now. So you see where this is going .....

I am in line with the squirrels....

I wanted to add this link I just read from Finding A Sober Miracle: (16.6.17)
https://asobermiracle.wordpress.com/2017/06/15/wine-a-wolf-at-the-door-2/

Saturday, 10 June 2017

I am going through a "fascination" with all the things I am doing since giving up alcohol. So apologies in advance if I bore everyone.

Reading about simple things like making the bed and fixing our Tupperware, writing about the dog and the doors... it is all so inspiring for me.

I've said before I am an accountant, I am also a zookeeper but it doesn't pay the bills. I want to do things that make me happy - accounting doesn't - so why am I doing it?

I have another job looking after some lovely old ladies a few hours a week. It feels good to do it, their stories are so interesting and although I still do accounting the mix is really nice.

I hate my dyed blonde hair. The mouse-brown that I naturally have makes me look angry. I always wanted ginger/red hair but it is a hard colour to achieve and subsequently then maintain. Well I have done it and would never have bothered when I was drinking. The interesting thing is many people have commented and said nice things. Someone I hardly know came up to me and said "what have you done to your hair - I much prefer it blonde" no hello, nothing... like it is their hair. In the past I would have been upset and got angry inside and eventually gone back to blonde. Now I think - stuff you - stick it up your bum.

Monday, 5 June 2017

Isn't it damn crazy why the simplest of things take us the longest to do.

The damn dog and the damn doors - all year, the 3-legged dog opens the doors, all year I go behind him and close the doors.

In winter it is cold with the doors open right? But he doesn't care, he doesn't feel the cold like humans do, so each time I curse at him "shut the damn doors" and "Tux, stop leaving the doors open"
What an idiot I am.

He hears "blah blah blah doors" (maybe he recognises doors now) and "Tux, blah blah blah doors blah". It is like a bad Far Side comic with the idiotic human trying to convey to the intelligent dog that they are cold and want the doors shut.... What?

The Latch

So yesterday after ages of this going on (years if you count the dog before him) I finally fixed it for under $20.

"Ohhh What?"

This was drinking for me - I have a hangover, I feel like crap, I am ruining my life, I am ruining my children's life. What am I going to do? Stop. Simple.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

I don't think I have every many posts about others, except kind people or inspiring people.
Mostly about my struggles and happy bits throughout this journey.

But I wanted today - and I don't know why - to put it down, put it out there something that I pinched from Mary Kay's Facebook. Now i don't have Facebook but there was a link on her great blog God Walked into this Bar and I saw this caption "Don't make excuses for nasty people. You can't put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase."

I am constantly doing that, looking at what I have done wrong to perhaps insight a nasty reaction (this doesn't happen much anymore because I made some decisions early on in my journey to detach myself from stressful people - whether their fault or mine it wasn't important). However there are some people that you can't detach yourself from and that is life. However in life I am now learning so much since not drinking; how to protect myself better, grow up emotionally, create safe boundaries, be a better more open person, be HONEST.

That doesn't excuse others though, and you just can't keep making excuses or excusing the odd nasty one out there - it isn't you ..... it is them. It is their journey. It is their life. If they want to put a flower in their bum - they can, but I will not.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Well it isn't always this way but last night I slept all night long! I do that more and more since stopping drinking but it is always so much fun waking up knowing that my eyes haven't opened since around 11 pm the night before.

Anxiety can wake me at 3 am but sometimes (just sometimes) I get the whole night long - and it is so amazing. I never would have thought something so small can be so joyous.

It is summer everywhere else (here in NZ it is winter starting) and I can imagine everyone is out and about doing Spring things as it is a bit quiet out there. Our chickens have stopped laying as the daylight doesn't seem to be enough for them and am seriously thinking about a morning light bulb for them, but knowing me it will mean angry chickens and a fire :)

Wishing everyone a wonderful start to spring and winter wherever you are x
M xxx

PS a shout out to Mrs S too, I still think of your BBC interview and wonder how you are doing.

PPS - Jackie http://thewinebitch.blogspot.com/ What a great comment on my post :

https://givingupdrugsandalcohol.blogspot.co.nz/2017/05/i-honestly-thought-i-was-high.html"I remember all those times that i thought to myself...1. At least I didn't do X2. At least I'm not as bad as Y3. At least I didn't drink as much as Z....The problem with the "at least's" is that they continuously re-set and downgrade..."

Good one Jackie How do we forget our A, B, C's yet know our X,Y, Z's - it is like we have to go back to the beginning, Michelle xx

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Looking back over the past two years is eye-opening now. I, hand on heart, thought I was doing well - drinking too much but still being a good mum, working, studying and getting my house finished.

When I look back over the past 6 months sober it is as plain as the nose on my face how little I achieved. The sneaky curtain of alcohol is so very dangerous, everyone is doing it so how on earth did my life stop going forward and start to rotate in a rat-wheel like existence?

Since I have stopped drinking:

1. My relationship with my elder daughter (23) is repaired and her trust is coming back

2. My son (11) is getting A's and B's at intermediate ( he was barely a D prior to December)

3. My daughter (12) well she is like a steam ship and it's harder to gauge the affect my drinking had on her, but she keeps saying "mum you are doing so good not drinking" so it must have been bad.

4. I finished my kitchen

5. I have started to do the rest of the house

6. I changed jobs choosing a boss and work colleagues that suit ME also and not just the other way around.

Many other things also, but when you look at these things (and it comes up on a daily basis) you can't help but in-your-face realise the massive difference.

I could have kept going, I didn't have cirrhosis, I wasn't homeless, I wasn't drinking in the morning, I didn't get arrested, lose my licence or have friends telling me to stop. I thought my life was good except the drinking (night sweats, guilt, hangovers) I thought the anger was just part of being a hands-on mum.

Today in a posh food shop I like to go to a young guy was doing wine tasting, he asked if I would like to try some. I said (not even smugly) no thanks I don't drink, I used to drink too much. He gave me a look - a real look, like I'm missing out and said "there is no such thing as too much". I said "there is when you are an alcoholic". He was so ashamed - I felt bad. But there it is right? People can say hey the drinking club is the best in the world - pedaling ethanol is legal. Imagine if it was cocaine?

I have found drinking to be the root of all my bad prescription meds behaviour. I don't have the trouble I had before because my mind is back and it doesn't allow me to make dumb decisions on top of already dumb decisions.

I watch forensic or crime stories sometimes and always when there is drugs involved there seems to be alcohol at the beginning of the night. Lately some key sports figures have been caught buying drugs overseas - they were so drunk they barely remember doing it.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

172 days so almost half-way to a year and was hoping to read a bit of advice from those who made it to and past this point (or didn't and are still trying xx).

I noticed the last few weeks (it has stopped for now) that I was pretty close to thinking I could have a drink or two again. Really very almost did it too - which is the closest I have been since giving up.

The scary thing is that in the beginning of this journey, I was fighting the urge to drink but I would consider that time as more of a violent reaction, this latest feeling so was passive and "normal" that it scares me WAY more.

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

But that is what I have and the realisation over the past couple of days feels like a start to something that is going to help my life change.

I can see now that this is why I was drinking. It is strange that I thought over the past 5 months that it was because I was shy, or sad, or bored, or angry or lonely.... the list goes on. Guilt, bad choices....

It was none of these things (but was all of them). For whatever reasons my life took the pathways that it did, I have to now STOP the cycle of blame, guilt and shame. It led to loneliness (not being alone) it lead to bouts of depression, fear and so many other horrible things. Then drinking and abusing medication.

Many other people feel like me and don't say. Social media (I don't have any apart from this) but looking up unrealistic truths about people I don't know isn't healthy and I know it. But an ill mind THINKS the things we make up in our heads are true. The ill mind isn't subjective - and it doesn't look after and protect you. It undermines and disables.

Looking after my mind and getting it well is my priority each day now. I am very grateful that I have still not had a drink (it's bloody amazing - and I still can't really believe it) I am grateful because now I have more days under my belt, more shit thrown at me and forceably sober so I can properly work out what the hell is wrong with me.

So now I know. I really know and I can start to fix it, because if I can stop drinking I can do anything.

I read alot about the Heads Together campaign and watched Lady Gaga talk to P William about her mental illness stemmed from when she broke her hip ligaments and still performed. Now each day is a struggle, she wakes up and the minute her eyes open she is sad and tired - doesn't want to get out of bed. She says she looks around her and is so lucky which makes her feel worse. Sharing and talking is the only way forward so she shared.

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/

Many of us know what it is like to wake up and feel like this. I have been going to bed scared before I even go to sleep about "please feel happy tomorrow" "please don't feel down". Anxiety about this doesn't help. I don't want to talk about it too much as it is "depressing" or embarrassing.

I am determined to help my mind and my body - giving up alcohol is only a part of this journey which I honestly thought was the whole thing. This blog.... but it is not. Alcohol is just a terribly bad coping mechanism like the fuel on a fire scenario that we all talk about.

It is OK not to feel OK - even if it's for a LONG period of time until we figure it out. If you are feeling bad - please talk about it, you aren't a moaning pain, you aren't a depressing sad-sack, you ARE NOT a downer. You are a real person feeling bad and it may come and go or it may last for ages but talking about it is a great start to finding a way through.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

It doesn't feel great this week. I have plummeted into a downward spiral and can see what is happening only today after taking a breath.

Last week my 23 year old lovely daughter visited having a break from university. I was so excited and so were the kids, on the phone she was too and we were chatting the past few months like the old days. When I picked her up at the airport she was a bit cold but that was OK and over the next few days it seemed she was picking up everything I was saying and making it sound pretty bad. I have actively campaigned against racism and animal cruelty, especially in my younger years however everything she was saying made me feel like a great big bigot and an old-fashioned mind-made-up arse.

After about 4 days I said to her that I felt this and we got into a big fight and she said that she was anxious about coming and no longer trusted me. This was a massive blow and was really upset. I was the only worker in our family and raising 3 kids, buying a house & renovating a house working 16 hour days - I know she could have had it easier. I wasn't drinking then, that only started 2 years ago when she went away. She is still angry that I kept going back to the kid's dad - I understand that.

We talked about it the next day and got on much better then she flew home.

All I have wanted to do since she left was drink. I have looked up moderation drinking on about 7 websites and even started to plan buying some wine. In know this is the result of a problem.
I think the problem is rejection. Not coping with feeling rejected by my beloved daughter is my worst fear and am utterly feeling sorry for myself and trying to stay afloat. I am aware that although i have had so much rejection from men in my life - this is primarily because I chose unobtainable, non-committing males and was MY choice. Rejection though, has been a big part of my life. I know my daughter loves me but doesn't need me and this feels very painful. What a sad sack!!! It is probably healthy that she doesn't - what the hell is wrong with me!

I am taking the kids out to the beach (getting wintery now) and the dog. Going through my lists of what to do like I did during week one.

This totally sucks. I am so sad and feel like I would rather die than live like this. There has to be a fucking cure and off the "rat wheel" inside my head that I am a rejected failure.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

I wanted to write about where things are at sitting at 121 days (4 months exactly as I stopped drinking on 8th November 2016).

If you are thinking that you are drinking too much and having a difficult time stopping. If you feel like it is interfering with your health, or your relationships with family, friends or stopping you being who you know you want to be. If your sleep is being interrupted by alcohol. Your mood is being affected by alcohol.

Then the most likely answer is it YES alcohol is a problem for you. The worst that can happen is you perform an experiment which can go one of two ways:

1. You stop drinking: Once you have stopped drinking, your life (after a few months) is much the same and you find alcohol was just a social behaviour that you enjoyed. This process of elimination will allow you to discover the real problem you are facing and be able to deal with it properly and resume drinking if that's where you are at.

or

2. You stop drinking: Once you have stopped drinking you struggle with it and find you have to almost reinvent the way you live your life. You figure out that there is more of you "in" there and great person that can now come out and deal with all those uncomfortable things that alcohol was masking and taking away.

Either way if you even think you have a problem, take the courage - STOP. Even if it starts out as a 3 or 6 month challenge. What harm can it do right? If you don't have a problem then you lose nothing. If you DO have a problem you have EVERYTHING to gain.

I would like everyone to know that after 4 months my journey is evolving and my life is unfolding in front of me like a red carpet.

The first month:
I white knuckled it, had no idea what to do with myself or my time - I just kept going (sometimes going into the car and yelling so the kids wouldn't hear). The change in my skin, body and sleep started to improve but that didn't stop the cravings to drink. The sugar addition from alcohol was making the physical systems hard also.

The second month:
Once I passed the "hey this is easy" at around 6 weeks, I realised that it was bloody hard and suddenly I was faced with ME. It was absolutely horrible - I had been hiding from me for years as I didn't even like who I was. I liked what I had achieved in life, I thought I was a good mother but had started to hide and to be a recluse in order to keep my behaviour hidden. Now I couldn't hide from myself and that hurt.

The third month:
More feelings similar to the last half of the 2nd month,with the addition of anxiety. The anxiety was always there but without the medication of alcohol it was now in the fore-ground. I struggled to keep a lid on it, my weight did plummeted because I refused to substitute the drinking with other additions of food etc. I found it difficult to balance my new-found life and wondered what the hell I was doing.

The forth month:
Sometimes driving in the car the realisation of how selfish a person I had become was evident as it would come into my mind is little waves. I realised that for the longest time everyone had to revolve around me (even though it may not have appeared like that to me at all) that was the TRUTH. I started to become acutely aware of the difference between "controlling my life and the lives of others" had gotten out of control and became a habit mixed in with the alcohol. I only realised this once I felt my life slowly changing and now it has done a 180 and revolves around my family and friends. I didn't see it coming it was just there and surprised me that this DIDN'T make me feel weak and out of control, it gave me a sense of well-being and comfort that I wasn't the centre of my own drama anymore.

I now allow my children to have sad feelings when they need to - I stop trying to protect them from every thing in a crazy-anxious-like-insane manner. I realise I was doing this to protect ME from PAIN. It was selfish and did not allow them to process their own emotions rationally. Now they can and with guidance from their mum instead of the other controlling type of response.

Giving up alcohol has completely changed my life's direction. I am not 100% happy yet and who is let's face it, probably only 60% if we are going to measure it - but before I was more depressed, more dangerous, more selfish, more irrational, more unstable than I ever realised. The fact I have come out of this with my kids (aged 11, 12 and 24) all still loving me is nothing short of incredible. My parents love and support me (this takes longer to fix). My friend has turned into friends. I am slowly improving my base of good love around me.

The things I do now that I NEVER did before:

Got a better job because I believe I am worth it
Take my kids to ALL of their activities with joy and pride (I never let them sign up for much because it interfered with my "lifestyle")
Am the manager of one of their basketball teams
I am the treasurer of an NZ wildlife charity
I walk my dog
The house is getting finished
I am finishing my stupid degree (slowly but doing it)
I am apologising and taking an interest in other people's lives
Help the kids with their homework without getting impatient and hating doing it

Small things like making the house really tidy each day are not important if they interfere with any of the above. Small things can get stuffed x

The Toolbox:

1. This blog started this process, I would not have been able to handle or even do the first 6 weeks without it. Thanks to Lotta Dann and her courage to come on TV and talk about it. www.livingsober.org.nz and her blog: MrsDgoeswithout.blogspot.co.nz

2. I did not find AA ok for me as I have kids and most sessions were at night and not kid friendly here so I connected with Smart Recovery online and go to meetings when I need to . The also have a 24/7 chat room and there are some cool people in New York and the UK to talk to.

3. Started two jars - they have bits of paper in them with shit to do when you are desperate. One for me with the kids and one for me on my own. EG get in the car and go for a drive, take dog for walk, go to the beach, sit down and read a book for 20 mins.

4. My friend Wendy in the US (through blogging tipsynomore.blogspot.com) and all the other lovely people that have encourage and given me a kick of reality - can't describe how it made me keep going.

5. Telling people - being open and not ashamed. If 20 people judge me yet 1 hears me and thinks "shit if she can do it" then I am happy.

If you are thinking about it but the hurdle seems insurmountable - it is not, and after about 3 - 4 months it DOES become so much easier to not think about drinking or wanting to ruin what you have created.

Everyone is different, there are no rules or definite ways we feel and act when we stop drinking but this is my story and I wanted to share this. Take courage, take the bull by the horns and don't let go for about a month, you will make enough of a start to make some decisions.

Friday, 3 March 2017

I have had some interesting thoughts over the past few weeks - looking back at my behaviour over the past 10 years or so.

I never thought I was a selfish person, always wanting to help others and thought I was kind. I look back and realise my "need" to help others stemmed from a deep insecurity of the trying-to-please rescuing behaviour type.

This looking back is not intentional it just comes in waves and I am careful not to be hard on myself about it and to look at it rationally (as much as possible). It is hurtful to realise that I really did whatever I wanted and people close to me and their lives, revolved around what I wanted. As long as it all suited me then I was OK with it. Of course the older I got, the more defined I was with what I wanted - that combined with alcohol made one hell of a selfish bomb. And I did damage, and I blamed everyone else and I was the last to realsie it was me.

Now I am feeling around and noticing a big change starting to form - my life is revolving around the needs of my family. Yes I will keep checking how I am going, however I think the selfish brat that was me can do with some REAL unselfish living for a while.

Sunday, 26 February 2017

According to the lovely livingsober.org,nz I have gone a whole 109 days without alcohol.

Dealing with stress is difficult and after giving up my crutch to in effect "ignoring" the problem, of course the problem or problems don't just go away.

Anxiety, sleep, depression are linked in a way that alcohol masks. The interim hours of sobriety between drinks just fills the void with guilt, self-loathing and a myriad of other problems. Behind all of that the anxiety, sleep, depression just sit in the background.

Sober now, it is the time to face these things and daily life. It is hard, It is sometime so uncomfortable that I want to climb out of my own skin. It has to be done though. Emotional maturity and wellness is achievable after addition. So many others have proved this to be so.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

I have spent a stressful Sunday getting my 11 year old ready for camp next week. I always have terrible anxiety when they are going away.

So I used a fabulous idea that I retrieved from a Smart online meeting last week. The "do" jar. It is a list of things to just go and do when you feel like a drink or whatever. (I have two jars 1. for me on my own and 2. for the kids and I)

I picked "go to the beach" - so off we all went and some friends tagged along. Then I got home and thought - "crap" I should have taken the dog so now I will have to go walk him. So off we went down to the estuary and it was good. This is taken from outside our lounge & kitchen window/doors.

If you look just above the trees at that little channel of water it is where our 3-legged dog got a surprise with the tide coming in (all that sand in the photo is now completely covered).

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

I didn't expect it. I have read a bit from others about happiness and light. It doesn't exist for me... until now...

The first sign was a month or so back when I woke up and felt a little bit of joy. That came and went and was fleeting. Now something else has happened. As I achieve small things, as I enjoy my kids and what I am doing with my time. How productive I have been lately, joy and light of the day and calmness of the night is creeping in.

I don't think I ever knew this, as a young women in her late teens and early 20's it was all party, drink, men, drugs. That kind of life is super hard to keep any type of control over. I remember being very stressed keeping it all together. I would think "why is my life so complicated, so hard, so full of anxiety" Too young, too dumb to realise that I was making this puzzle. I was creating this life. That I indeed created this. I wish someone would have sat me down and looked straight at me and said "Michelle, you can create anything you choose, you can choose to make a different life"

I believed it was all fate, destiny and just rolled from one bad relationship to another, on and on and on. The pressure to look beautiful, to have the best boy, to go to the best parties, to have it all. To have absolutely totally nothing. And that never occurred to me, not once to change. All I knew was I was heavily stressed and anxious all the time - terrified.

So when finally at aged 33 (15 years ago) I met the father of my two 11 and 12 year olds - I thought right - now is the time to settle and have a lovely life. He seemed like a kind gentle guy - he would be nice to me. Within 6 months he slept with his ex - not once, not twice but many more times and she called me to tell me. I loved him and we ended up back together and for the next 10 years we struggled. We created children, we argued, it was a mess. 11 years ago we got married when I was pregnant - 5 years ago we got divorced. 4 years ago we remarried and 3 years ago we finally separated. We are good friends and keep good boundaries.

This reflection shows the life of someone who never knew emotional maturity, someone who had no self-respect, no boundaries, just no fucking idea what she was doing. At all.
No wonder I wanted to die. No wonder I had no hope.

Now I have hope, I want to life again. It is just early and there is light where there was darkness, but it's a beginning.

Monday, 6 February 2017

I spoke to my friend who was taking me to AA yesterday eve and suddenly freaked out. During our conversation on Friday we shared some stories and I said that I haven't had a blackout but often wake up finding I have txt or emailed something random and made arrangements to do things. I didn't forget doing it, but needed prompting by looking at my phone.

I have never forgotten everything, I have never got shit-faced at someone's house and ended up pissing in the garden, I have never drunk too much at the pub and nagged everyone to keep partying when they aren't into it.

That doesn't in anyway lighten what I did do. I couldn't stop thinking about alcohol, I couldn't stop drinking even for one night, I made stupid decisions about pill-taking when I was drinking, I drove drunk, I became utterly selfish and I was depressed and curing it with alcohol. That didn't work. not once.

Anyway, she called me on Sunday and said maybe I should consider NA, and I said what made her mention that as NA isn't very developed around here, much less so that AA. AA seems to deal with alcoholics that: overeat, gamble, take drugs, addicted to all sorts of crap. So why single this out? She said she felt that I had never had a black out so maybe AA wasn't the one for me.... but of course she would take me and said that I am sure you belong it's just nobody she knew at AA had ever not had a black out.

This really put me into a "shit what will I do now spin" and I know that it is only her experience but after 22 years at AA surely she knows her group right? I did say to her that my idea of someone that belongs at AA is someone who finds alcohol is ruining their lives and others around? Those who can't stop and all the other. She agreed but I felt weird and so txt her on the Monday morning saying that I got panicked and thought another time would be better. Didn't want to say the truth and now thinking what is my next support in my seeking out support mission.

To be honest I am getting a bit fucked off and today felt like a drink - but that would be just self-pity and where will that get me.

But I am feeling worse than three days ago. Bugger.
Today I started crying watching something on TV about people having partners and me not. What a sad sack.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

So I went for the interview but I was confused as to whether this guy thought it was a job interview or a date. It seemed to start OK then somehow skirted around what his company actually did and what he was doing - and what I would be doing. He mainly talked about his home in Ireland, being based in London and now working in NZ for a project which so far (15 mins in) I still didn't really understand.

Then I talked about my work history for about 1 minute pulled out my CV which he had no interest in so I turned the conversation back to the project. After not getting very far but learning that he was divorced and had two grown children in NZ I turned the conversation back to the project. I said a couple of intelligent things about projections and forecasts which seemed to spark a light within and off he went actually explaining the project. I was then furnished with a detailed pitch on the project financed by a big company that I recognise. It seemed that I needed to pass a few tests before he shared this info and my CV is impressive (one part of my life that is :)).

As I had met this guy for a couple of mins through a good friend of mine, I wonder if he was serious about all of this or if he had a other intentions. My judgement is flawed due to this recovery process and I do not trust myself at all nor do I trust others I don't know. He has arranged to meet next week to give me one of the projects to cost.

I could be imagining all of this of course and early stages of new projects can be vague.

I don't trust my judgement at all - it is like I can recognise my life's a muddle. I can recognise my thought process is deeply flawed right now. All this I can see.

My first AA meeting is 8 pm on Monday. I am definitely going - a lovely lady I used to work with (she managed one of the charity shops and I managed the other) contacted me and said a little bird had told her (about my going sober) and wondered if she could take me to her meetings. I am so very grateful.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

My kids (11 and 12 in a couple of weeks) started high school - they get on the bus at 7.30 am and arrive back at 3.45 pm. They go to wonderful intermediate/high schools, one girls one boys and although I am not sure about whether it is good to be not co-ed, all and all I think mixing young teens with different sexes surely takes your mind off school work. They socialise with boys and girls and they are each a boy and a girl and play here at home so stuff it, it seems like a great idea.

They are gone. It's sad and I feel the long holidays are now over, summer is baking the land and I am inside writing this. I have so much to do, hours and hours of housework, hours of house renovations to do. What happened to all the excitement in finishing all of this? Where has it all gone damnit.

I haven't had a migraine for two weeks and that is great, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in now 86 days (shit thought it was 90 by now). I still battle with pills but it is usually around when I have had a migraine and without the alcohol I have reduced interest in painkillers. The relationship I had with pills was around drinking, without alcohol the effect is gone so it is just going through the motions, which is boring and expensive. So I am clean and I am bored.

I am not regretful of leaving my job and have been offered another so will see about that tomorrow. But I am bone-bored and it is definitely a state of mind. I realise, being sober, that it is not a truth, it is just a feeling.

The feeling is I am bored, I am tired, I am a big fat pain in the arse.

The truth is with or without alcohol I would feel like this anyway, but I would be drinking my way through it. There would be no break only temporary numbness followed by worse feeling-like-crap. Sober, I have a chance.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

I read this today and wanted to share it to anyone out there who may be interested. It addresses the presence of brain dysfunction that occurs in 75-95% of those with alcohol addictions in the form of PAW. A treatable condition those in recovery potentially face.

The site address alcohol addiction and also drug addiction. I would be super interested if anyone knows about this or thinks it perhaps it is not a thing..

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Hoping to get somewhere with my new found tiredness. I have been waking up nice and early and feeling very good (around 7 am). Going about my day and by around lunch feeling really really tired.

Yesterday I came home from the shops with my son and we both went to bed to read and I fell asleep! Today I woke up at 6.30 and stained the deck. At 11 am I felt really tired and went to lie down. Fell asleep for 45 mins!

This isn't me. I never do this. It is not the Sandomigran (migraine prevention meds) as they usually make me tired when I wake up and after 2 weeks of taking them the side effects have almost gone away.

So it is something new. I am at 80 days today and have saved $1,714.21 (spent on fun things for the kids and around the home).

I have read that fatigue occurs but was wondering when it usually does and what others experiences are on this one.

I don't Want To Turn 50 Like This

I am 49, with 3 lovely children (aged between 23 & 10) and have taken drinking lovely wines and knocking back a couple of painkillers to a level which is out of control. So I have stopped.
This image is special to me - it is myself and my son on my first outing since giving up alcohol. We went to the Sound Museum.
M xx