Apparently, this year I am watching the Olympic Winter Games for the food content. This is as it should be. To be honest, if I’m going to be watching human beings in peak physical condition performing feats of daring and skill in frigid temperatures whilst I sit on my couch and make comments like “He barely made that 1080, didn’t he?” as I shoved cake in my face, the least these Olympians can do is be as obsessed with food as I am. I think I am less interested in the dietary habits of Summer Olympians because in the Summer Games almost everyone is wearing no clothing and so hunger is superseded by thirst. That’s just biology.

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In the Winter Games, as in real life human winter, Olympians are bundled up in coats, goggles, helmets, mittens, ponchos, capes, cumberbuns, top hats, and feather boas. One of my favorite Olympic sports is the “Wear All Your Clothes At Once” event, which was famously won by American Joey Tribiani in the ’90s.

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Indeed, the major differences between Winter events and Summer events seem to be excess clothing and excess danger. Summer events are highly technical versions of things your would normally do at a Sandals Resort. Winter events are highly technical versions of things you would do to escape a trained assassin.

It’s for this reason that I am perplexed by why fencing is Summer Games event. The rule of excess attire says this should be played when its cold outside. Plus, don’t most sword fights happen in front of fire places in drafty old manors in the bleak midwinter?

Yes, yes they do.

Someone please phone the International Olympic Committee, please. I would do it myself but I’m very busy snacking. It’s what us Olympians do.

For instance, there’s gold medalist and snack heroine, Chloe Kim, who tweeted about her craving for ice cream in the middle of her event.

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Honestly, I have never been so inspired in my life. Chloe Kim, who won gold in the halfpipe a sport I kind of hadn’t heard of before but am now an expert in, strapped a thin board to herself, launched herself down a frozen viaduct like a Ninja Turtle, blasted up literally miles in the air (estimated) and all she could think about was how much she could go for Ben & Jerrys.

Hero. Put her on the $100 bill immediately.

The day before she tweeted crucial coaching advice about churros.

Oh and I also had 2 churros today and they were pretty bomb so if you ever get nervous go eat a churro

I’ve seen a lot of inspiring things at these Games, most of which involving skills and behaviors that I do not understand in the least but which seem very difficult and very dangerous. But the most inspiring thing I’ve seen is Chloe Kim’s commitment to satisfying her snack cravings. Chloe Kim dreaming about ice cream at work is totally me, except instead of a standing desk she has a sheet of ice on the side of a mountain. But other than that we are totally the same.

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And then there’s my other twin, LugeBae, aka medalist Chris Mazdzer.

In a video taken by Olympic bobsledder Lauren Gibbs, LugeBae is seen housing an entire pizza (and my heart) all at once.

A snack eating a snack! Snacks on snacks on snacks!

This is what I’m tuning in for, truly. This is the premium content that America deserves in between incessant Comcast commercials. V. v. hot people eating whatever they want. Is that a reality show yet? Can it be? You can have that idea for free, Hollywood. Call it Yum. Please beam it directly to my brain, thanks.

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I know from exhaustively searching LugeBae’s Instagram that his workout consists of a lot more than just eating entire slices of pizza at once, but I’ve decided to start simple and work my way up. So, if anyone needs me, I’ll be at Domino’s. Training. For America.