Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things we have to
face in life. But eventually, once we're ready, it's highly likely we'll
consider the possibility of finding love again. And this can happen at any
age.

In our own practice we have known men and women form new
relationships well into their eighties.

A 'new relationship' doesn’t necessarily mean marriage, since
quite a lot of widowed people now opt for ‘living together’, just sleeping
together or even just dating.

Grief and romance

Although it can be exciting to find love again, thoughts of the
dead partner can cast a shadow over any new romance.

Sometimes people feel guilty about wanting company and physical
love.

Often they have all sorts of other unresolved emotions about the
death of the partner, and the more they try to ignore them, the more they tend
to surface.

Such emotions are often about loss. But they might be about
anger that the person has gone, or about resentment that other people are still
a couple and can look forward to an old age together.

Sometimes feelings revolve round sad or even horrible images of
the last days or weeks of a partner's life. And the surviving spouse may well
feel that he or she was not always patient or very loving when the other person
was dying.

All of these emotions are quite normal to have, but that does
not make them easy to deal with.

Stages of grief

Most grieving people experience at least some of these stages,
but there is no set order or time limit for these feelings.

It's not unusual to feel as if you've experienced several
elements of these stages on one day alone. Even so, it can be helpful to use
these stages as a rough guide to help you to understand sudden difficult
emotions such as anger.

Recognise too that these emotions are part of a process, and
that most other people also feel them.

When should you be ready to start a new relationship?

You may find your grieving process doesn't coincide with other
people's ideas of how it should be.

Sometimes friends or family will get impatient if you're not
'over it' after six months.

At other times, you can get a strong sense that some individuals
think you are hard-hearted because you appear to have got over the death
quickly.

We all find our own way of dealing with death. None of us should
judge anyone else about how they are coping.

But when it comes to new relationships, people are often quick
to disapprove if a new romance blossoms 'too soon'.

Recent research among the over-65s has shown that 18 months
after the death of a spouse, 15 per cent of widows and 37 per cent of widowers
have become interested in dating.

When is too soon?

If your partner was dying for a long time, the chances are that
you did loads of grieving before he or she actually stopped
breathing.

You are then more likely to feel ready for a new life than
someone whose spouse died suddenly would be.

In cases of lengthy terminal illness, it's not unusual for a new
relationship to blossom even before the partner dies. And although this new
relationship can be a great comfort, it can also be the source of deep
guilt.

But there are no absolutes when it comes to people's feelings.
And no two individuals are the same.

In general, society still doesn't tend to condone new
relationships that 'go public' before an interval of around one year. But there
are exceptions to this rule – particularly in cases where it was widely known
that the marriage wasn’t very happy.

Certainly, new romances won't go well if a grieving person is
avoiding the pain of bereavement by immediately replacing one partner with
another. Recovering from a loved-one's death is just not that easy.

Coping with other people's reactions

You have to remember that no one knows exactly what you're
suffering. And no one knows for sure what went on in your relationship with
your dead partner.

So, in an ideal world, other people should resist commenting on
any new romance you have. However, in reality, most friends and family will
have a view on it.

Hopefully, many will be pleased that you have found happiness
again. But there may be jealousy from other friends who have been on their own
for longer.

In-laws

Unfortunately, you may find that your dead partner’s family
cannot come to terms with your new relationship, even if years have gone by.
This is usually because they feel that their relative is being forgotten by
you.

If that happens, try to discuss with them just how much your
late partner will always be in your mind. You might also gently suggest that he
or she would not want you to grieve forever.

In time, they may come round to the idea, but it is a
situation that requires kindness and tact on both sides.

And while it's easy to see any criticism by your in-laws as an
unnecessary obstacle to your new life, try to remember that they too have had
to deal with the loss of your partner.

And, hard though it is, never forget that your in-laws are
your children's grandparents or aunts and uncles. As such, it will be painful
all round if you fall out with them in a big way.

Sons and daughters

You may also have serious difficulties with your own sons and
daughters.

If your children are still living at home, they will be
affected by any new relationship. And they may be quite hostile because they
think that Mum or Dad is being airbrushed out of history.

It can be very difficult to deal with this kind of upset
because your children may still be deeply upset by their loss.

In such a situation, it's wise not to be blatant about your
new love until your children are more ready to accept the idea. So don't allow
your lover to stay overnight before your children have come to terms with your
new romantic happiness.

If your children have left home, you won't have quite the same
problems.

But even if their father or mother died several years ago,
your adult offspring may react negatively when you tell them you've found love
again.

And if you usually stay over when you visit them, be sensitive
to the fact they might feel awkward if you want your new partner to accompany
you – especially if you're asking to share a bed.

This is a highly inflammatory situation for families to deal
with, and the best advice anyone can give you is: take your time.

Sex in your new relationship

After a bereavement, many people decide they will never have a
sexual relationship again. This is particularly likely when the death happens
late in life.

But a lot of men and women find their sexual urges return after
a while.

Unfortunately, this can lead to intense feelings of guilt,
mainly caused by a feeling that they are being unfaithful to the dead
partner.

Post-bereavement sexual guilt manifests itself in three main
ways.

Worries about masturbation. After a few
months on their own, quite a lot of older men and women experience sexual
feelings, often accompanied by a desire to
masturbate. This need
for relief is largely physiological: it is caused by the normal workings of the
body and its hormones. It isn't something anyone should be ashamed
about.

Difficulties with erection. Many widowed men
experience
erectile dysfunction
(impotence) when they try to have sex with someone else.
Counselling of the
couple is usually effective. Sometimes it's useful to give the man a short
course of erection medicines, such as
Viagra or
Levitra, to build
confidence.

Vaginal dryness. When a woman decides to
resume sex, she often finds she can't relax. As a result, her natural lubricant
doesn't flow, making
sex uncomfortable.
Counselling by an experienced family planning doctor or a gynaecologist will
often put matters right. Also, the use of a good vaginal lubricant will help. A
course of vaginal hormone cream or pessaries may benefit post-menopausal women.

What happens if your new relationship fails?

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a new relationship to
fail because of guilt or because you are not emotionally ready to move
on.

Sometimes your new partner may walk away because he or she
considers you too needy or too emotionally involved with your dead
partner.

Whatever the reason for the break-up, it will probably hit you
hard – and may resurrect all sorts of pain related to the death of your
spouse.

If this happens, try to realise that this particular romance was
not your only chance of happiness. It's likely you weren't really ready for a
new relationship and you may need to spend more time grieving for your dead
partner and building up your own strength and happiness.

Spend time being single again, catch up with friends and maybe
get some help for your sadness.

You will probably find that after a period of several months –
or even a year or two – you are more ready for a social life, including
romance.

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.