Dr. Elaine Heffner: Developing self-control

Tuesday

Dec 5, 2017 at 11:08 AMDec 5, 2017 at 11:08 AM

Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now

We’ve been reading a lot about out of control behavior in the last several weeks. Perhaps there are distinctions in the levels of unacceptable behavior that have been reported but they are alike in falling outside the bounds of what is socially — in some instances legally — acceptable.

There is a Talmudic saying that no one is the owner of his instincts. I think what that means is that our instincts operate independently of our will. But a civilized society requires that we learn to control those instincts.

This idea is meaningful for us as parents. Childhood is a time when instincts and impulses are expressed in behavior. Children go after the things they find pleasurable and strike out when denied what they want. They act in accordance with their desires and without much awareness of the effect of their behavior on someone else.

Do we ever really lose the impulse to demand or just take what we want? We probably never “own” those impulses. Hopefully, we have learned to control the behavior those impulses give rise to, and then have pushed down the wishes themselves in order to fortify our control over our behavior.

In response to our children’s as yet unsocialized behavior, during infancy we are accepting of babies’ need to function in accordance with their instincts even when providing this care interferes with our own wishes and needs. But when babies turn into children, we think about “setting limits” on what now seems like infantile behavior.

It is appropriate for children to start learning about controlling their impulses, and for us to teach them to do so. The question is how to do that. Often this process involves our own self-control as much as it does our child’s. The uncivilized behavior of our children peels back our own layers of civilization bringing us down to their level. A child’s lack of control can make us feel out of control ourselves. We get worried about their behavior — and our own — leading to a great feeling of urgency about getting everyone’s behavior under control. When that happens it is easy to stop teaching and look for ways to make children stop doing what they are doing.

One familiar way of doing that is expressing strongly our disapproval of behavior we think children should control, labeling such behavior “bad.” But children don’t distinguish between their behavior and themselves. If their behavior is “bad,” that means they are “bad” and so are their feelings and impulses. Controlling the behavior can get mixed up with not feeling the feelings.

An important part of developing self-control is being able to tell the difference between feelings and behavior. Having certain feelings doesn’t mean we are going to act on them. Truly being in control means being aware of our feelings yet being confident that we won’t act on them.

Children need help and time to develop those controls. Time means not expecting more of them than they are capable of. Help means providing the control they don’t yet have. We don’t depend on words alone to stop a baby crawling toward a light socket. We’re there to stop her. In the same way, it doesn’t help a child to keep telling him not to hit his sister. We have to provide the intervention that will help him actually control those impulses when they are getting the better of him.

Feeling an impulse and not acting on it is what gives one the experience of self-control. Our children may never “own” their instincts, but hopefully we can help as they begin to master them.

— Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. And, she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com.