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Another good chapter with number 35. There's not much to say about this chapter but there were Some more good battle descriptions and the use of torrent was original and unexpected! The grammar and stuff has improved as i have only found a couple of mistakes.

Thanks, it is good to know that I have improved my grammar.

Originally Posted by Dormant

Great Chapter! Piplup vs Empoleon! I didn't think the battle would end in a tie, but hey! No one messes with Piplup!
And the owner of the Gyarados must feel ridiculous because her Gyarados got beaten up by a Squirtle.
Yep, I read it

Empoleon won.
Never underestimate the power of Squirtle!

Originally Posted by ChampioN-Trainer-BriaN

25th and 26th battle?? There are 32 trainers remaining in 2nd round.So maximum number of battles can be '16' only. There cant be more than 16 battles with 32 trainers.
Apart from that....I wanted to say A JOB WELL DONE.....I read all chapters you have written they are all amazing.Keep it up.;-)

Haven't noticed that, thanks for telling me, I will correct that.
Other than that, I am glad you liked it. Expect to hear from you more =)

Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub

Hi raymon =D.
Firstly, an apology for the late review. My internet has been playing up and i havent been active all week. But through methods unknown, i will comment!
I would have to say this would be one of my favourite chapters so far in the fic, with beautiful description, heated battles and your longer chapters must be commended.
Ashs battle was great. Some nice play from squirtle and good ol' head smash led to the downfall of Gyarados. I'm glad to see a victory for Ash's Squirtle.
Now for Barry and Dawn. It lived up to and even exceeded my expectations. An evolutionary battle too. It didnt originally sound to interesting but as it progressed, i found different. The combinations were both strategic and to an extent beautiful. You would think Empoleon would destroy Piplup, but thanks to Dawns combinations it proved again to be a surprise.
At the end, Barry and Empoleon just scraped the victory, and the rest of this contest will be interesting whatever happens.
Well done Raymon, keep it up and you will have happy readers =D

Hi Paddy =)
You have no need to apologize, it is absolutely fine
I am also glad that you liked the chapter, and, thanks for the nice words)

Originally Posted by TheSirPeras

Yeah let's get it going!
This reminded me of the episode where the S.S. Anne goes all Titanic Style with all the Gyarados attacking the group Memories xD
This chapter was really good Both battles were epic, and the strategies you came up with were really good And also, there weer basically no grammar mistakes so good job for that

Yeah!
When I was writing that, I was also thinking about that James' Gyarados and the twister.
Epic? O_O Thanks! It is very nice to hear that

This is a really good battle, Piplup vs Empoleon. I love how this is one of the battles where everything is thrown into the mixture: Pinch Abilities activating for both sides, Strategies and moves. To be honest, I didn't actually know who will win until the end, and this battle kept me, non-literally, at the edge of my seat. It was an interesting read. However, it seems... I'm not sure, unnatural for Squirtle to pull of such an easy win. I know that Squirtle is strong, but I would've preferred it if the battle was longer. However, this was a really good chapter, and an awesome read.

Okay so, firstly sorry as yet again i haven't got much time free at the moment so this wil have to be short.
While, squirtle's victory was rather expected i think that a squirtle loss against a little girl would have been quit odd. It was a nice battle - hmm nothing much to say about it really.
As for the second battle... WOW! it took me ages to read i must say but it was very good, there were a variety of tactics and moves used, which is nice, and i liked how you cut to ash and max at some points, too. Some issues i found were that uses Torrent again was a bit disappointing, i thought maybe it would be a rarity so that was a shame. Also, Empoleon didn't seem to need to recover from Hydro Canon, like the gyarados did with hyper beam. Oh, and it seems as if you're drifting more to telling than showing, as well. For example you said that Empoleon was being damaged in the whirlpool - but how do we know this? you should SHOW us he is being damaged by saying it is recoiling or something rather than TELLING. Now, i won't do the grammar because i don't have much time but will hopefully soon as there were quit a few errors.

Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

Okay so, firstly sorry as yet again i haven't got much time free at the moment so this wil have to be short.
While, squirtle's victory was rather expected i think that a squirtle loss against a little girl would have been quit odd. It was a nice battle - hmm nothing much to say about it really.
As for the second battle... WOW! it took me ages to read i must say but it was very good, there were a variety of tactics and moves used, which is nice, and i liked how you cut to ash and max at some points, too. Some issues i found were that uses Torrent again was a bit disappointing, i thought maybe it would be a rarity so that was a shame. Also, Empoleon didn't seem to need to recover from Hydro Canon, like the gyarados did with hyper beam. Oh, and it seems as if you're drifting more to telling than showing, as well. For example you said that Empoleon was being damaged in the whirlpool - but how do we know this? you should SHOW us he is being damaged by saying it is recoiling or something rather than TELLING. Now, i won't do the grammar because i don't have much time but will hopefully soon as there were quit a few errors.

No need for apoogize, I have little time as well So, I understand you.
Yeah, Torrent again was a bit uncreative, but I wanted to show torrent-boosted attacks.
Barry's Empoleon doesn't recharge from Hydro Cannon in the series, so why would he recharge here?)
Anyway, thanks! Glad that you liked how I described the battle=)

The 37th chapter: The show goes on!

(The third round approaches, and all the main heroes are waiting for the third round tournament brackets.)

Announcer: “And there they are, our today’s tournament battles!” (As trainers look at the screen, announcer keeps talking) “16 Pokemon trainers will clash in 8 battles, and only the strongest will advance to the fourth round! And the first battle will be against Max and Marina!”

Max: “Me? Already?”

Barry: “Go, Max! We believe in you!”

Max: “Thanks!”

(Max goes downstairs.)

Max (saying to himself): “Who am I facing?” (Remembers)

-------------------------------------------------------

Perry: "Kingdra, I know you can do it...Stand up!"

Kingdra (shakes, but stands): "Do-o-o-o!"

Marina: "They won't beat us, Walrein!"

Walrein (yells): "Rein!"

Perry: "Let's use Dragon Pulse!"

Marina: "Use Ice Beam, Wallrein!"

(Kingdra shoots a light blue sphere at Wallrein. Wallrein releases an icy beam. The attacks collide, and seems to be equal. They make an explosion. After a smoke disappears, Wallrein is standing firm, but Kingdra is knocked out.)

-------------------------------------------------------

Max: “Oh, that lady…” (As he remembers a young lady with brown hair, who has a very confident look, and has white T-shirt and jeans on her.)

(Max goes on the battlefield and sees her.)

Marina: “Go, Walrein!”

Walrein (lets out a battle cry): “Walrein!”

Barry: “Walrein, the Ice Body Pokemon. Walrein's two massively developed tusks can totally shatter blocks of ice weighing ten tons with one blow. This Pokémon's thick coat of blubber insulates it from subzero temperatures.”

Dawn (looks at Barry’s Pokedex): “Yeah, it is a huge and powerful Pokemon, that’s for sure.”

Ash (with calm and jolly voice): “Max can handle that!”

Max: “Go, Marshtomp!”

Marshtomp (comes out and looks very seriously at Walrein)

Max: “Get ready.”

Marshtomp (nods): “Marsh.”

Marina (to Max): “You did a nice job with going to the third round with a Ground Pokemon. But I will try my best to stop you.” (Looks at Walrein) “Ice Beam!”

Walrein: “Rein!” (Fires a light blue beam)

Max: “Dodge it!”

Marshtomp: “Tomp!” (Dives in the water)

Max: “Get closer!”

Marina: “Stop it with your Ice Ball!”

Walrein: “Walrein!” (Fires an Ice Ball)

Max: “The first Ice Ball won’t do much. Use DynamicPunch!”

(Marshtomp breaks the Ice Ball with its glowing right arm, and punches Walrein in the head.)

Walrein: “Wall…” (Falls onto the platform)

Marina: “No, Walrein!”

Barry: “That looked like a critical hit to me!”

Ash: “Yeah! Nice job, Marshtomp!”

Marina: “Stand up Walrein!”

Walrein: “Walrein…” (Stands up)

Marina: “Ice Beam!”

Max: “Mud Shot!”

(The Pokemon fire their attacks, and their powers are equal. In the last moment Ice Beam overpowers Mud Shot, and Ice Beam hits Marshtomp.)

Max (surprised): “Ah…”

Marina: “Use Body Slam!”

Walrein (jumps high): “Wal!”

Marshtomp: “Marshtomp…” (Stands up)

Max (becomes nervous): “Stop it with Water Gun…No, with Mud Shot, no…”

Marshtomp (breathes in air to fire a Water Gun): “Marsh…” (Hears that Max switched his command to Mud Shot) “Tomp!” (Releases brown water from its’ mouth)

Hey Raymon! Just popping by to give you a little review because Ri felt like it

The only real problem I have when reading your chapters is description and the battles, but hay let me explain

I'm really not sure if it come across to other people too but for me everything seems to take the same direction, like someone does this, someone does that, and that's it. I'm finding it hard to explain this but I think with description it would pace this story out much more and rather not jump straight to the point everytime something else happens (but that's just me bby) also the battling, they seem to follow the same generic structure every time (this is something I need to work on too) I'm not really sure how you can work on that tho, maybe describing the attacks and emotions even more so than what you are now?

anyway chapter 37 you deserve credit for sticking with this for so long! Well done hunni )

Edit: I can't spell for s***

Last edited by LadyLady; 22nd March 2013 at 12:21 PM.

For everyone who likes stories you can read my first ever fan-fic here!

It was good to see Max advancing to the next round and Marshtomp learning Muddy Water and Barry also doing well.I didn't see any problems with grammar or spellings too.But this chapter seemed a bit short or maybe that's just me.

Hey Raymon! Just popping by to give you a little review because Ri felt like it

The only real problem I have when reading your chapters is description and the battles, but hay let me explain

I'm really not sure if it come across to other people too but for me everything seems to take the same direction, like someone does this, someone does that, and that's it. I'm finding it hard to explain this but I think with description it would pace this story out much more and rather not jump straight to the point everytime something else happens (but that's just me bby) also the battling, they seem to follow the same generic structure every time (this is something I need to work on too) I'm not really sure how you can work on that tho, maybe describing the attacks and emotions even more so than what you are now?

anyway chapter 37 you deserve credit for sticking with this for so long! Well done hunni )

Edit: I can't spell for s***

Hi! Nice to see you back!)
I agree, I have a similar description in every chapter. But as for my plot, I really try to make it creative and unexpected. In the previous Chapter, for example, nobody knew whether Barry or Dawn will win the battle till the end. I try to describe attacks and emotions, but I don't want to make descriptions longer, because there will be less room for action
Oh, thanks!)I really like to hear it (about credits) Thank you innuh(read backwards)

Originally Posted by amittal12

It was good to see Max advancing to the next round and Marshtomp learning Muddy Water and Barry also doing well.I didn't see any problems with grammar or spellings too.But this chapter seemed a bit short or maybe that's just me.

Good to know the grammar is okay) This chapter is shorter you are right. It is 4,5 pages A4. Last one was about 7. But I felt like I can end the chapter with Empoleon vs. Blastoise battle

Originally Posted by Dormant

Bravo! Fantisimo! Max is always smart when it comes to battling. HE IS UNSTOPPABLE! I want to see a May vs Max Chapter! Good job.

Gracias!
Well, somewhere in the future they may end up batling each other. But as for now, May is not in my plot

Hi Raymon
Firstly i would like to say how good this chapter was.
I am enjoying this water type tournement a lot. There are some really good battles going on. So Max was back in action in this chapter, Marshtomp vs Walrein. If im honest Max is incredibly lucky when it comes to tricky battles. Im not complaining, i must commend you on the most impressive strategy i have ever read. Glad to see them progress (max and marshtomp) and am looking forward to Barrys battle. Good work Raymon, continue as always.

Eh, hi ! Nice to meet you !
First of all, I have to admit, your story isn't bad (I took 2 hours to read it all through chapter 37) and I'm very interested ! I hope the next chapter came out soon ! Oh and, by the way, I love how Marshtomp's development is doing, keep going !
I like your writing style, keep doing it as you're doing.

I don't have much time for a better review today, but this chapter was really good! I liked both battles, and the way Marshtomp learned Muddy Water was pretty original haha XD It's also awesome to see Blastoise
I have one question: By now has Ash traveled through Unova or not? I cant remember if you said it in a chapter before haha :P

Hmm, this battle chapter seems a little shorter than the others but good all the same. It is good to see Marshtomp learn Muddy water, i would think that it is going to become Max's main battling Pokemon now with its epic moveset. As for recharging subject, i respect that your fic is hugely based on the anime but the anime doesn't always get stuff right and is easy to improve upon. Admittedly, it would seem strange having hydro cannon recharge after round 4 but not before so i wouldn't recommend changing it now unless you add it in in the previous chapters, but that could really change the flow, so its really just something to bear in mind for the future. Also, it would be good to see more scenes that aren't battles, like all the characters having a meal before a round or something - it would just be a nice change from battle after battle after battle. Anyway, on to the mistakes:

Announcer: “And there they are, our today’s tournament battles!” (As trainers look at the screen, announcer keeps talking) “16 Pokemon trainers will clash in 8 battles, and only the strongest will advance to the fourth round! And the first battle will be against Max and Marina!”

A few things wrong with this:And there they are, today's tournament battles no need for 'our'And the first battle will be between Max and Marina 'between' replaces 'against'
Also, it is best to spell out smaller numbers (ie 16 and 8)

Barry: “Walrein, the Ice Body Pokemon. Walrein's two massively developed tusks can totally shatter blocks of ice weighing ten tons with one blow. This Pokémon's thick coat of blubber insulates it from subzero temperatures.”

Barry's Pokedex not just Barry as the speaker i would think, unless Barry has memorized the entry for Walrein

(Empoleon is pushed back. Both Pokemon start to get warned out.)

warn not 'warned'

Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

Hi Raymon
Firstly i would like to say how good this chapter was.
I am enjoying this water type tournement a lot. There are some really good battles going on. So Max was back in action in this chapter, Marshtomp vs Walrein. If im honest Max is incredibly lucky when it comes to tricky battles. Im not complaining, i must commend you on the most impressive strategy i have ever read. Glad to see them progress (max and marshtomp) and am looking forward to Barrys battle. Good work Raymon, continue as always.

Hi=)
Thanks!)Glad yu liked my strategy. Good luck to you, too)

Originally Posted by Papousse

Eh, hi ! Nice to meet you !
First of all, I have to admit, your story isn't bad (I took 2 hours to read it all through chapter 37) and I'm very interested ! I hope the next chapter air soon ! Oh and, by the way, I love how Marshtomp's development is doing, keep going !
I like your writing still, keep doing it as you're doing.

Hi!)Nice to meet you too!
Thanks for reading all of my story, I am happy I could interest you)My chapters don't air, it is not the Pokemon series (But I wish my fic would have been real. Eh, dreams...)Anyway, thank you very much

Originally Posted by TheSirPeras

I don't have much time for a better review today, but this chapter was really good! I liked both battles, and the way Marshtomp learned Muddy Water was pretty original haha XD It's also awesome to see Blastoise
I have one question: By now has Ash traveled through Unova or not? I cant remember if you said it in a chapter before haha :P

Yeah, it was pretty original XD
Ash hasn't traveled through Unova yet. He just returned from Sinnoh League.

Originally Posted by infernape100

Hmm, this battle chapter seems a little shorter than the others but good all the same. It is good to see Marshtomp learn Muddy water, i would think that it is going to become Max's main battling Pokemon now with its epic moveset. As for recharging subject, i respect that your fic is hugely based on the anime but the anime doesn't always get stuff right and is easy to improve upon. Admittedly, it would seem strange having hydro cannon recharge after round 4 but not before so i wouldn't recommend changing it now unless you add it in in the previous chapters, but that could really change the flow, so its really just something to bear in mind for the future. Also, it would be good to see more scenes that aren't battles, like all the characters having a meal before a round or something - it would just be a nice change from battle after battle after battle. Anyway, on to the mistakes:

Yeah, it was a bit shorter, but it was still pretty large (5 pages A4 MW)
It is one of Max's strongest Pokemon at the moment, but it is so, because of my development of Marshtomp. I know the team Max will use in the league, and I will say, Marshtomp won't be his only powerhouse. And Swamert, if it evolves...I won't you tell whether or not it will happen
Well, moveset isn't that epic:
-Mud Shot
-Muddy Water
-Dynamicpunch
-Tackle
But it is pretty good
I will try to add some off-battle scenes. And thanks for pointing out the mistakes, need to correct them=)

This was a pretty good chapter. I liked both Max's and Barry's battles, and the way how Marshtomp learned Muddy Water was quite cool. It was also nice to see Blastoise since it's one of my favourite Pokemon.

Hey I just read this whole fic in about for hours so this is gonna be a big general thing.
Your grammar was kind of duchy at the beginning of the fic but as it went on you got a lot better with it. There are still a couple of mistakes here and there but overall it's pretty good for English not being your first language.
I love how you've explored mac's beginning as a trainer and I think you've done pretty well with it so far. I especially like how I feel like I'm watching...err, reading the anime as I rad this.
enjoying the water type tournament but I have a coupleof nitpicks.
-remember how Brock would talk about the different Pokemons moves and abilities during the league battles? I think that you could do something like that here with max filling in as Brock and explaining different things.
-I personally think that Squirtle shouldn't have beaten gyrados so easily just because of the pre size of gyrados.
And some things I like in the tournament
-I love Barry and am happy you bright him back for this. I hope he has done more encounters with max later on.
-YAY KINGLER!!! It's been neglected for so long in the anime even though it's so awesome.

I wrote this on my phone so the grammar and spelling probably suck horribly. I also suck at reviewing.

PM list please!
EDIT:
-I just had the worst idea ever. Bring back misty in disguise to face ash at some point.

Last edited by deh74; 20th April 2013 at 6:59 AM.

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