SBM's Secure On-Line Ministry Book Store & Resource Center, submitted by Sai. Apparently there's some switch on every human being, one either set to "GAY" or "STRAIGHT." This switch can be toggled to "STRAIGHT" at any time if the person in question loves Jesus enough, and set to "GAY" if the person wants to burn in hell for eternity or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first. I guess I'm not well enough versed in my religious science as I should be, because I was always under the ridiculous impression that genetics, not conscious choice, declared who people were attracted to. I naively assumed that the chance of somebody shouting, "surprise, you're not gay anymore" ranked up there in probability with "surprise, you are now sexually attracted to giraffes." I mean, if other people can make gay people be attracted to folks of the opposite gender, why can't they also make them find sexual stimulation in a light post or a box of Best Buy receipts from last November? It's all the same concept, isn't it? Yes? No?

Over the past five years in ministry, this has to be one of the most powerful, consice resources ever produced by SBM on understanding the issue of homosexuality and how to effectively reach the homosexual man or woman in love for Jesus Christ. Written, recorded and produced by Stephen Bennett - a former homosexual - now married almost 12 years to his wife Irene and the father of their two little children. This one hour audio CD resource is ideal for parents of homosexual children, family members with a homosexual loved one, friends of homosexuals, pastors, SUnday School teachers, small group leaders and those effectively looking to minister to and reach the homosexual for Jesus Christ.

Here's a newsflash for you Bible thumping dopes: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "FORMER HOMOSEXUAL." You are either gay, straight, or bisexual; you cannot forcefully stop being attracted to a particular gender more than you can forcefully start being attracted to a particular gender. There is no mysterious sexual orientation switch that can be toggled by pasty white folks with huge hairdos and floating 1-800 numbers below them. Even if every human had the ability to reorient themselves to the "correct" sexual position, whatever the hell that might be, I sincerely doubt that an honest, decent, righteous religious organization should charge $100 for a series of cassettes explaining the procedure to deliverance. I don't remember Jesus saying anywhere in the Bible that the path to salvation lies in a series of direct deposit checks and informational audio cassettes. That's something more along the lines of L. Ron Hubbard.

This Week on Something Awful...

Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text.
Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.