Friday, October 31, 2008

Can you believe that shit was on TV?I made my Nice Christian neighborladywatch it…at least until Tim Curry comes down the elevator,as seen above.Blew her mind.She went running out my front door, ran into a tree and knocked herself out.Had to call 9-11!Ambulance arrived and Time-Warped her to the Hospital.

Pronounced DOA, 8;26 P.M.I signed for the body and tonight...I'm going to try to rebuild her.like I said, she makes the BEST teaHappy Halloween Everybody!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Watching the World Series last night I could not help but think of the day that the 46 year old Nolan Ryan showed 24 year old Robin Ventura what its all about.

Ventura was hit by a pitch and charged the old man on the mound, as batters are wont to do. Pitchers are not usually known for their scrappiness in these situations, but Ryan is as scrappy as they come.

As soon as Nolan saw that Ventura was heading his way, Ryan did not hesitate. Off came the glove. Striding briskly, he met Ventura at the halfway between the plate and the mound and in a split second put the lad into a headlock and started giving him the nookie-nuks.

Note that the Catcher, Rodriguiz, was in no way there to aid his teammate, but was trying his best to tear the 24 year old away before the great Nolan Ryan killed him.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Neighbor lady is going soft on me.Keeps callin’ me “Sweetie” and asks if I want a cigarette while she chain smokes.I tell her AGAIN that I quit last year. My mistake is that on occasion I might smoke one

Wants to wait on me hand and foot. I can’t stand it, but she’s a "giver" and I try to be nice.We might be watching the Cowboys on TV."Do you want some more tea?" she'll ask.'Sure, but keep your seat, I'll get it, I know where the refrigerator is" and I get up go into the kitchen, open the cooler door and start to pour my tea. And then, there she is, right under my feet asking:"Is it sweet enough for you?""You make the best tea I ever had " I say, and she does!

Yesterday she tells me about the Sunday School class she formed up for the 19-29 year olds.She had been wanting to do this for them for a number of years and she finally got the chance.'We had our first meeting yesterday." She is beaming.“Are you 19-29 “says I”She and I are both quite obviously past 50.“No, but they need a leader” says she."They need a leader? What for?" I ask, somewhat incredulously."Well , just to help guide them " she says“Well, these must be some lame ass 19-29 year olds.” Says I.It seems to be a sad testament towards the competence of the younger generation.

So then she proceeds to tell me that she fell asleep during their first class yesterday.I just laughed and laughed. I couldn't help it. The way she said it was just hilarious.And then, when I finally stopped laughing, wiping the laugh tears that were streaming down my cheeks, I looked at her I could tell I had hurt her feelings."Its not funny” she says“Then" says I, laughing even harder "why did you tell me?”

And she didn’t know what to say.

Jeezus.

She is such a nice lady, and I like her I really do, but I am so afraid that I will hurt her feelings really bad before she really gets to know me, so bad that she never wants to talk to me again.

Are all men as big a prick as this? If I can be so hurtful when I am in a good mood, can you imagine what its like when I'm crotchety?I get like a mean ol grumpy-bear, believe you me.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

“Well, the last legal owner of the Factory was “The Peoples Mortgage Company” out of Indiana. That Mortgage Company was the sort of noisy outfit that did a lot of advertising about easy credit.Mark Yonts was the head of it. Nobody knows where he came from and nobody knows where he’s gone to now, but what they discovered the day “The Peoples Mortgage Company” collapsed was that Yonts had sold the Twentieth Century Motor Company to a bunch of suckers out of South Dakota and that he had used it as collateral for a loan in Illinois.When they took a look at the factory what they discovered was that Yonts had moved all the machinery out and sold it piecemeal.So it seems like everybody owns the place, and nobody owns it. Everybody lost any money they had in the place, its like the wheels have come off except there are no wheels left to come off. And there's nothing left to own out there anyway.”

“Did Yonts operate the factory before he sold it?”

“Lord no! He ain’t the kind to operate anything. He’s not interested in making money; hes’ only interested in getting money."

Monday, October 27, 2008

You may have heard of Beef-alo.You may even have been lucky enough to put your lips to some o' dat.

Beefalo is a species cross between Bison (buffalo) and domestic cattle of any breed. The purpose of the species cross was to blend the outstanding qualities of the Bison with outstanding qualities of the bovine breeds of the world.Many individuals have tried to cross the Bison and bovine but it was not until the 1960s that a major breakthrough took place. The cross between the Bison and the domestic and exotic beef breeds resulted in the best of both species coming together to produce a superior animal.

But now, with the Animal Magnetism Sarah Palin offers, coupled with some good grass roots Alaskan style Animal Husbandry we will all soon be chompin' down on some juicy Muffalo Burgers.Don't be shy......ask for the #69 that comes with a Shake and Fries and be sure to tell 'em Kimmy and I sent you.Yes, my friends, Muffalo!Its the wonder of Nature!Still in production but likely coming together very soon...Be sure to wear your eatin' pants...and watch for hairs.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

"We were sitting in a cafe designed by Paul KleeI asked myself, is this real or a toupeeEverybody was so young they still smoked cigarettesI guess the collective unconscious hasn't woken up yet"last verse of "do not disturb"

Artists are such interesting folk.
Patty Larkin is a musician I have found very interesting, and fell in love with her music and lyric.
She has an album called "Angels Running" from about 1993 or so.
My favorite song is called "Do not Disturb" , and while looking at the lyric some time back, I found a reference to an Artist named Paul Klee.
I don't know anything about art, really, but my curiosity piqued, I decided to look him up.
And in Klee's works I found her inspiration for the title and the theme of her album, Angels Running:.

Good Thingby Patty Larkin
Well I've heard enough
And I've seen enough
And I know enough to know
I know a Good Thing when I see it
And it's a bad thing to let go

Well I've been around
I've been up and down
Until I bent out of control
With your world all in motion
Got to put a ball and a chain on your soul

All those angels running
Picking up the pieces
Putting back together hearts broke long ago
I know a Good Thing when I see it
And it's a bad thing to let go

There will always
Be lovers
With borders of their own
And you may charge across
In a golden chariot
But you will never be home

I had dreams like distant thunder
I had hope like a prayer unheard
Now this is nothing
Less than perfect
In a less than perfect world

All those angels running
Picking up the pieces
Putting back together hearts broke long ago
I know a Good Thing when I see it
And it's a bad thing to let go

And this is what I found about Klee that brings my story full circle. Its hard to imagine she wasnt inspired by Klee on this album.
....Angelus Novus by Paul Klee

"A Klee painting named ‘Angelus Novus’ shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth is open, his wings are spread. This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned toward the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But a storm is blowing in from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such a violence that the angel can no longer close them. The storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This storm is what we call progress."
Walter Benjamin

Artists are such interesting people.
I always liked the song 'Good Thing" but after viewing the painting and reading what Mr. Benjamin says about it...well...it just means that much more.
I don't know that I would buy this painting...where would I put it?

Two years ago I was tagged to submit the five books that had influenced me the most.I have done two of the five so far, (VOLTAIRE & DICK GREGORY)Consider this the third, and take points off for being so late if you like.

There may not be a book any more loved by its readers or hated by those who claim to have read it than Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. If you surf the blogshere that will become very quickly evident.The Ex-Mrs Bulletholes will tell you that she never did like me much after I read this book.

Way back when I was in High School, I picked up a copy. It had been on the list of books suggested by my Philosophy Class.In fact, this Philosophy class was the first one introduced in the State for High School students. Myself and three other students actually did a 15 minute presentation at the Teachers Association that year on what we had learned in the class.Complete with Moody Blues music going in the background.It was great!

Anyway, I tried to read Atlas Shrugged that year but after about 100 pages I had no idea what the hell the damn book was about.

Fast forward 12 years.I am having a garage sale and I see my old unread copy sitting on the table to be sold. I picked it up and started reading. Within two pages I had a good sense what this book was going to be about and I was hooked. I spent the next three weeks totally submerged in it. It was difficult reading at times. There were sentences, paragraphs, even pages that I had to re-read several times over. The ideas expressed, the concepts involved were just so sharp, so pointed and written so intensly and intelligently that to get the full force shock of it, it had to be re-digested over and over again. There were passages that I would feel a certain disagreement with, only to have to change my mind within the next few pages.Such is the nature of the story.

I left a comment on a blog one day that may have helped to start my blogging ‘Career”.Grizzbabe saw it and she became my first blog buddy, with apologies to my pal Broken, whose Blog shut down as mine opened.The comment was an excerpt from Atlas Shrugged:‘We seek in others that which is the deepest reflection of ourselves. To the extent in which we value that reflection we will either experience-or fake- a sense of self esteem”

For anyone about to try to read this book (Gewels)I make one suggestion- get the jumbo large paperback edition. The small version is really hard on the eyes. If you get through the first Chapter and are not into it, you might trade it in for something else, perhaps Candide. This book may be for all time but it is not for everybody. Ayn Rand's husband, while being very supportive had this to say:"I never understood a word of it"

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Pietra does a thing every week called ‘Whose Role is it Anyway” and it reminds me of a place I used to workEvery week I was supposed to sign my timecard.To my rebel soul this just seemed like an idiot thing to be doing.Sign my Timecard.Like this was going to keep me from cheating on my time….I mean, in terms of controls, this is about as lame a measure as there could be.It was almost insulting.

Anyway, every week I would go ahead and sign my timecard.And every week payroll would call me down to REALLY sign my timecard.

You see, when I signed it I would use someone else’s name, like Christopher Columbus, Brigham Young or Galileo.Maybe Elvis Presley, or Madonna, or Cher.Sometimes the name I would sign might be kind of obscure, like Jeffery Dahmer or Steven Berkowitz, Fritz the Cat or Mr. Green JeansIf I was signing it today I might use General Colin Powell, or Pac-Man Jones, or just plain “W”.

Thinkin' back, I really kind of miss it and thats why I have so much fun over at "Who's Role is it Anyway"Over time I could tell that Payroll actually looked forward to my timecard every week.Most weeks they knew the name and other weeks I would brief them on whomever I may have stolen my Identity from.

But then there was the week that I signed my card “John Galt”.As I entered the office Jackie holds up my card and asks :“Who is John Galt?”I laughed like a demon and re-signed my card with my real name and exclaimed(God I hate that word”exclaimed” but…there it is)‘Indeed, ‘who is John Galt!’” I exclaimed.I turned and left the room.It was the only time I left without an explanation.

The next morning Jackie calls me up all in a panic….“I need you to get down here right away”So I go down to the Office wondering what I have done now.

Her white blouse is stained with what looks to be Coffee, spilled all down the front.

I enter and she is right in my face.“Who is John Galt? Who is John Galt…tell me..tell me..tell me!!!”She’s freakin’ out on me."Why? What happened to you?" says I."I spilled my Coffee on the way in. I saw a bumper sticker this morning on the car in front of me, I spewed coffee all over my windsheild, burned the shit out of my tits. You know what this Bumper Sticker said? "“No”"It said “Who is John Galt”I just laughed and said as I was leaving:“I gotta get me one of those!”

I guess somewhere along the way I probably tried to tell her who John Galt is.

Click on any of the highlighted links to learn more than you probably want to know about John.

In the previous post I offered up a Talking Heads video. Jerry Harrison is the White Boy on guitar sporting a ‘Fro to David Byrnes right.Occasionally I will tout a CD here at Bulletholes and today I would offer to you Harrisons 1990 release ‘Walk on Water”.Like all my offerings, it plays well the whole way through.There is one song on You Tube from the CD called “Flying Under Radar” but other than that I doubt you have ever heard anything from this work.My favorite may be a little number called “Cowboys Gotta Go”Harrison has stayed busy as a producer and this was his last solo effort. Since The Best of Jerry Harrison likely isn’t forthcoming, the only way to hear these songs is to buy Walk On Water, and a lot of them are worth hearing.Like most really good CD's you might find it on the throwback shelf at the local half-price outlet.CHEERS!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Burnin’ down the house. The new prediction is that the Artic Ice Cap disappears by 2030, not 2080.It takes a pound of coal to run my TV for 4 hours.Average American household burns 9 tons of coal a year.‘Clean Coal” or IGCC is still in the “testing” phase if you call trying to find a State that will allow you to give it A try.In other words, its yet to be tested.Exxon spent 1% of profits on Research and Development of alternative sources last year.1%!The Oil companies are about as interested in finding renewable Energy Sources as I am in appearing on the Dr. Phil Show.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Do you remember back in Kindergarten and one kid would get hurt, or start cryin' about somethin' and the next thing you know every kid in the place was howlin' like they had a tit stuck in a wringer?That is everybody 'cept maybe Barbara?

The X-Mrs Bulletholes asked me last week:“Who do have listed as beneficiary on your policy?”“Why, you gonna knock me off?”“No, I just wondered if it was the kids”“Well, I still have you listed as my beneficiary”‘Why don’t you change it”“Hell, you know what to do with it, besides....probably not enough there to get me cremated any way”‘Cremated? Don’t you want to be on the family plot?”“No not really”

She’s a little exasperated with me, I can tell.She is going to"ramp up" this interrogation and its going to get really intense.I can feel it in my bones.

‘Well, what do you want us to do with the ashes? Put ‘em in an urn and keep you on the mantle or somethin’? Because I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Steve”

And my chin kinda quivered and I felt the lump coming to my throat and I swallowed hard enough she could feel it, hear it smell it…She looks at me…“Where?” she says. “Where do you want us to put you?

Now the tears are just coming down my cheeks and I stutter:“Puh-Puh-Pah” I’m stuck on one syllable.“Puh-Puh-Pah” is all I can manage.“Puh-Puh-Pah” and she’s looking at me like I’m nuts.“Puh-Puh-Pah” I stammer again.I just can't spit it out. Its too emotionally charged. Completely over-amped.

She see’s I’m just a basket case now and says very sympathetically‘Just tell me where, Steve”And my emotion is just so high (and actually, it feels so good to feel so strongly) I can’t get the words to come out so I look her right in the eye and with my voice cracked and shaking:“You know where I wanna go!”

She looks at me and then it comes to her…Now its her turn to stammer…“Y-you want us to s-s-scatter you at“Puh-Puh-Puh Pat Boone Bay!”and now she's like all cryin' like all get out.We looked at each other...(BLINK-BLINK-BLINK)and just busted out laughin'!It was great!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Sorry Minxy!I missed World Poverty Day!And me and the boys well, we aint been missing a whole lotta meals.Have you ever been hungry?I don’t mean just ready for supper, but so hungry your belly swells up.Hungry enough you’d eat dog and fight for the bones?Well, I ain’t never been that hungry, but I did go for a week one time without eating. I had no money and no food. Actually after the third day it get a little easier…but still I don’t recommend it.And don’t go feelin’ sorry fort me either ‘cause I was a no workin’ SOB and I had a little further to fall before I got a break that I knew what to do with.But I do feel for all the childrens that done nuthin to deserve the hard time they may be havin’.And if there somethin’ you can do for them you need to step on up.Or just recoonsider your (our) wasteful nature like Leslie does

These days, I don’t miss too many meals but I do get that cold hollow feelin’ from time to time.Can you see my Ribs? We're here for the Boooofay....and we brung our eatin' pants!

Well, I be back from vacation!What did I do?I had at least one Bulletholes night....anyone that's been around might be able to guess what that might be like, and they'd probably be right.

All my stories just end up with a leak somewhere, like an old boat I used to have.Anyway, I was waiting for Lymber to pick me up, I had a double date with her and Jo-Mama and as I waited for her to show I decided to work the corner for a bit.It was dark but for the streetlight at my corner. To stand under it puts you"Center Stage" so to speak, and Centerstage I was.As cars began to pass by me I would stick my leg out into the road and hitch my pant leg up a bit, a gesture Universal in its appeal, giving a shake to further advertize my product.I gotta tell you, I do have nice legs.

I hadn't thought it all he way out but I was grinning to myself as to how it was going to make Lymber laugh when she saw me. She needed to hurry up before I got in trouble.In the meantime I amused myself "Soliciting" on the corner. I guess there were about 5 cars go by in 20 minutes.

I saw the headlights shift from Dim to Bright as I hitched my pant leg up, grinning like a fool, as a Yellow Mustang with Pink Racing Stripes passed me by. The windows were down and I could hear the girlish voices under the growl of their 5 Litre Shelby Engine.It wasn't Lymber.

When they got about 20 feet past me, the driver hit her brakes and threw the car into reverse.They had a personallized License plate that said"HI HEELS"I thought it might be my lucky night.

The passenger window was down and right in front of me as the Mustang stopped.I dropped to one knee and looked inside.There were two foxy babes, dressed up tight with big hoop earrings, big eyelashes, big hair, and big ol tits.

'Hello Ladies" I said in my most charming, deepest Sam Elliot voice and gave the driver a wink.She couldn't have been older than 25.The passenger looked at me with total disdain turned to the driver and said"He IS NOT Hot!"and the driver popped the clutch and smoked 'em outta there.

As I went and sat in the dimly lit recess outside my apartment door to quietly wait for Lymber, all I could think was"They shoulda caught me in my prime"

Thursday, October 09, 2008

This here Cowdawg is going on his first Vacation, a real live PAID vacation in 15 years. When I was a tilesetter, sometimes I'd be off for several weeks, but that wasn't a vacation...that was Un-Employment!

"One Halloween there was a family called the Addams. That morning Killer went down in the guillotine to play with hispet Lion.Meanwhile upstairs Tiger was playing with cossen it. They were playingFrankenstein.Up up up upstairs Gomaz and poisen are having a swordfight and pracktising judo. Moretisha is talking French to her dead roses.Halloween night a robber was in the attic when Godzilla found him. Then we let wolfman after him and had a party.Giant ants came and ate black widos and vegetableman gave creacher a piggyback ride.Then Medusa came and when they looked at her they turned into stachoos of stone. except for vegetableman becoss you cant do anything to a carrot.Now it is a Wax museum where people come to see um."

IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHY MY PUNCTUATION SPELLING CAPITALIzATION and OVERALL gRAMMAR IN THE ABOVE ARE A VAST IMPROVEMENT OVER MY USUAL EFFORTS...It's cuz this is what I wrote in the Second Grade that I spoke of yesterday. I think it was 2nd Grade, and I was careful to trancribe it exactly as it was written.

I think that I must have looked in a dictionary for "guillotine".

Yeah, I plagarized it all right...but I plagarized the shit out of it, doncha think?

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

It lieth, gazing on the midnight sky,Upon the cloudy mountain-peak supine;Below, far lands are seen tremblingly;Its horror and its beauty are divine.Upon its lips and eyelids seems to lieLoveliness like a shadow, from which shine,Fiery and lurid, struggling underneath,The agonies of anguish and of death.

percy bysshe shelley

When I was in the 2nd Grade I was commissioned by the teacher to write a Halloween story. She wanted it by the deadline, when the bell rang that very day. I had one of those huge pencils and a piece of paper that had about an inch between each line. I began to write all about the Things I had seen on T.V.

There was a family named the Addams, with Gomez and….Morticia and I thought she was cute. Her feet were like tree roots.

I had seen the original Godzilla, a huge reptile that came out of the sea and ate busloads of people. I was five and the next day I had what amounted to a psychic hangover. It was foggy, and I gazed north from our garage into the empty field. I strained my eyes for the giant head to materialze out of the mist, teeth bared and hungry for little boys.

"THEM" was a movie about giant Ants that lived in huge mounds out in the Mojave desert. A Queen Ant flew west, started to live in a drainage ditch in L.A., and had taken two kids hostage into a tunnel. As my son recently pointed out, the movie ends before they actually get the kids out.That’s the LAPD for ya.

Then there was the Vegetable Man. I told you all about him yesterday.

I had seen a movie where an evil man had a Wax Museum and the figures were so real because..they were real...he just poured hot wax on pretty girls and when they stopped wiggling their toes, kicking and screaming...

Voila!

...a whole new exhibit!

But the main character of my story was going to be someone I knew about, but couldn’t remember her name. I think I had seen her in a movie at the Punch and Judy with my older buddy Mel.I described her to my teacher, but she had no idea what I was talking about.So she sent me to the Principal.

He knew who I was talking about. He told me the whole story .

Medusa was originally a beautiful maiden, priestess in Athena's temple, but when she was raped by Poseidon in Athena's temple, the enraged goddess transformed her beautiful hair to serpents and she made her face so terrible to behold that the mere sight of it would turn a man to stone.

Perseus cut off her head and she was so rough lookin' that he used her head as a weapon. Pegasus, the winged horse, was born from the blood of Medusa, fathered by Poseidon.

When people saw her, they turned into statues, like the Wax museum, only they were made of stone.

I’ve had a girlfriend before with hips that moved in a fashion that could only be described as Serpentine.I knew a girl that spoke with a forked tongue and she did other tricks too.Then there was Terri, whose snake-eyes gave me the complete Willies. I could not stand to look into them.I have even heard of girls that seemingly could unhinge their jaw.

But I have never seen a girl with snakes for hair.If you were to look at her you would turn to stone.The principal had said her name was Medusa.OOOooohhh! Medusa!

When I was about five years old I saw this movie. For the next 4 years it was all I could talk about. I didn't know the name of the movie, but I would ask Mom "Do you know the movie about the Vegetable Man?".

Of course she didn't and I would try to tell her about it.

"There was a monster from Outer Space that landed at the North pole, and he got frozen in the ice , but the Army chipped him out of the ice and when the ice thawed out, he was the the Vegetableman; he was big, and he ate the sled dogs, and Army didn't know how to kill him cuz bullets didn't work until they figured out that he was like a carrot so then they decided to cook him"

I'm sure that I was wild eyed with my arms flailing as I described this movie, and then Mom would call me to supper and I would think about that movie as I moved my vegetables from one side of the plate to the other.

It wasn't until about 1982, when John Carpenter remade the movie that I finally found out that the Vegetableman was actually just called "The Thing". So much for the imagination of Hollywood in the 1950's. They really could have used a kid like me.

So after a 20 year wait, I got to see it again. It was funnier than I remember.For example:

In a scene where a Scientist steps from the plane, climbing down through the fuselage, you first see his legs, then his torso and its an old man. He is greeted by two young guys in the Air Force, Hendry and Barnes, and he tells them that his assistant Dr. Nikki, is next. They turn and face the plane.

Two legs appear coming down the hatch. They are female legs with hosiery and high heels. Hendry and Barnes look at each other, raising their eyebrows the way men do.

The legs soon become an entire woman, a Doctor, played by the lovely Margaret Sheridan.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

THE CONCLUSION or WHO WANTSRED LOBSTER?I was born to be a Chef.Our 13 year old, pre-pubescent , never-kissed-a-girl-or-squeezed-a-titty opponents were about to kick our ass. They opened their gilded briefcases and began their case. They were the Affirmative which moved towards Election Reform.

Just 60 days prior, Nixon had resigned as President. Slush Funds, CREEP (Committee for the Re-election of the President) and Watergate had become words even a 4th grader was familiar with.

The House and Senate in Washington were debating the same topic as Kathy and I and all the other High Schools. Election Reform was prominent in the Country's consciousness. Looking back, I did not realize at the time how cool it was to be role playing (if not playing a role) in this issue.

Bear with me here.

The centerpiece of our opponents case was to take all donations for each party and put them in a big pool, then distribute those funds equally through a General Accounting Office. The hope was to eliminate secret contibutions, illegal donations, and make certain no one would gain a monetary edge.

As our counterparts gave their presentation Kathy and I scrambled frantically through our shoeboxes, looking for facts figures and information with which to refute their case.We had determined that I was to go first to present my 5 minute rebuttal.

Who watched the Biden/Palin debate? Yeah, me too.What they do up there is really hard to do, especially for a High School kid, but the 85 pound 13 year old that led off was like William F'n Buckley.It was either Nicolas, or Ignacious, it didn't really matter.His presentation was flawless.But I...was born to be a Chef.And I knew that somehow I was going to have to think outside that shoebox.

I stood up to give my rebuttal, glanced at each of the judges and coughed.The room seemed to be spinning around me, my knees were about to buckle and it sounded like sand was pouring into my ears. I cleared my throat and said:"I need a moment to get my shit together"Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kathy pound her forehead into the table and cover herself with her hands, and from under her tousledblonde hair an audible moan escaped. Kathy, I would find out, would be doing that a lot.Motivated by shame and with a sense of pity towards my partner, I finally began to speak. I don't recall what I said, but after a bit the smell of Kathy's perfume was replaced by the faint scent of apples.Like I said, I was born to be a Chef, and I could smell apples.As I spoke the apple smell grew stronger. I looked to our opponents. I saw in their opened briefcases they each had a small Brown Paper bag.With this new visual input my senses heightened and I began to detect a faint but unmistakable smell of Tuna, and then Roast Beef on Rye and even a Hostess Twinkie.Their Momma had packed their lunches!

And then an idea hit me like someone had dropped the Watergate Hotel on my head, with Haldeman, Dean and Mitchell all tumbling down, and CREEP members and Secret Cash funds all spilling out...and I was all the way out of that shoebox...

Having barely begun my rebuttal, I came to a complete stop and looked down at Kathy.I said:"Kathy, how much money do you have?"She looked at me all confused and I gave her that "Just Tell Me " look and she reached for her purse and said "I think I got $4"...."Four dollars?" I said while pulling out my billfold "Thats fine Kathy, just put it there on the center of the table, and I'll put my two dollars with it..."

I was gaining some momentum here. I turned to my counterparts and said...

"Nick, Iggy, how much do you boys have?(pause) No, don't bother to get up, you don't need to put your money in the General Fund here. We will just pretend that you have...oh...$10...so that gives us $16 in the General Fund.You betcha.Now, I see you boys brought your own lunch, probably Tuna on Wheat and Roast Beef on Rye and that can be your vote..."

At this point they were lookin' at me like I was Kreskin, or that guy David Blaine.I was on a roll, and all the way out of that shoebox full of index cards."...But Kathy and I, dog-gone-it, we are voting for Red Lobster and we are going to take our half of the fund which includes ya'lls $10. Now I know what you boys are thinkin', that we aren't going to get much at Red Lobster for $8 and you are right.But clearly, your case does nothing to stop Secret and Illegal Campaign donations"

I pulled my billfold back out and and produced the Twenty Dollar bill that Dad had taught me to keep tucked away for emergencies. With a dramatic flourish, I held it high.

'But I just happen to have a little 'Slush Fund of my own,and now not only do we have enough for Kathy and I to eat like Kings, we have enough to take two of these three judges with us.So, who's hungry?"Like I keep sayin', I was born to be a Chef.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Now Kathy was a nice girl, and I was lucky to be her Debate Team partner.Kathy and I actually won a Debate tournament when I used Dick Gregory's analogy comparing electing a president to choosing a whore. I had argued that:"After all, no matter how many candidates are running, or whores you have to choose from they are still all whores".It came to be known in our club as "Steve's Great Whore Case”.The first time I used that line, Kathy put her face to the desk covering her head in shame.Kathy did that a lot.But we were both surprised that the Judges seemed to favor this rebuttal of attempts by our opponents wanting to change the Two Party Political system.

But back to our first Debate.For those of you that may have missed out on the first part of this two part story, click here.

So Kathy and I waited with the three Judges and our two shoeboxes filled with index cards with facts and figures, information and quotes, seated at a table awaiting the arrival of our opponents.It was our Debating debut and we were nervous. Not only was the subject of Campaign Election Reform complicated and new to us, but we weren’t very organized.Even today, the kids down at Blockbuster Movies shudder when I walk in the door because they know I can’t find shit in there. They use a System of putting the movies in alphabetical order, but they also have categories like New Releases, Drama Comedy and Action. Oh yeah, there is horror too. These categories to me are quite subjective. One mans action movie is another mans drama and so on and so forth.

I think the movies should all be under one category, call it ‘Sweat and Underwear” because that’s what it all boils down to anyway.

But back to the debate….and our opponents entrance.They carried Gold Plated Briefcases, Rolodex files, and had a Desktop name tag made from Etched Glass that read:Ignacios and NicholasJesuit Preparatory Academy

They were wearing Red Bow-Ties and Coal Black Double Breasted suits with the School Crest blazoned on the pocket.They placed all this high tech debating equipment on their half of the table, glanced pitifully at our shoeboxes, went and shook hands with the three judges and returned to the table, standing “at ease”, hands clasped behind their straight backs to face Kathy and I.It was enough to make me stop my slouching, and sit straight up in my seat.

But the most intimidating thing about this was not the Jackets, the Bow Ties and Breifcases, or even the Glass Placard that gave them the look of O.J. Simpsons Defense Team.It wasn't even the Rolodex files that I was sure were filled with more and better facts, figures and quotations than our shoeboxes, or the fact that they would actually be able to find the card they needed when they needed it that made me queasy...

It was the fact that our opponents could not have been more that 12 years old.The biggest one was about 85 pounds, soaking wet. My kid sister coulda' broke him in two.The liitle one was no bigger than a minute.They were lap babies and they were about to kick our ass.

Kathy looked at me. She was goggleyed like you wouldn’t believe, and she had turned white as a sheet.She was a good kid, but I knew she was shook so I leaned over and whispered‘Man, we are in it now”and gave her my best grin.But inside I was all sweat and underwear.

I read yesterday that Sharon Stone wants her son to get Botox on is feet to keep them from smellin' so bad.Then today at lunch I heard on the news that women are getting shots of Botox to their Brains to help with Menopause.The Reporter said it was a "Win-Win" deal.What the hell does that mean?

That not only will it stop the Hot flashes,but keep them from being able to talk?Or does it imply that the women will berelieved of the brutal symptoms associated with Menopause along with the men?

Either way, I bet someone is going to get their sorry ass kicked tonight.

"Finally, I always go to sea as a sailor, because of the wholesome exercise and pure air of the fore-castle deck. For as in this world, head winds are far more prevalent than winds from astern (that is, if you never violate the Pythagorean maxim), so for the most part the Commodore on the quarter-deck gets his atmosphere at second hand from the sailors on the forecastle. He thinks he breathes it first; but not so. In much the same way do the commonalty lead their leaders in many other things, at the same time that the leaders little suspect it.

But wherefore it was that after having repeatedly smelt the sea as a merchant sailor, I should now take it into my head to go on a whaling voyage; this the invisible police officer of the Fates, who has the constant surveillance of me, and secretly dogs me, and influences me in some unaccountable way- he can better answer than any one else. And, doubtless, my going on this whaling voyage, formed part of the grand programme of Providence that was drawn up a long time ago. It came in as a sort of brief interlude and solo between more extensive performances. I take it that this part of the bill must have run something like this:

"Grand Contested Election for the Presidency of the United States."

"WHALING VOYAGE BY ONE ISHMAEL."

"BLOODY BATTLE IN AFFGHANISTAN."

Hah, swear to God, there it is, written about 150 Nautical years ago.

Herman Melville and I stand between the same fixed Oceans as Whitman breathing the same air as Ahab, pondering the same Fates.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Officers were called to the scene where she was allegedly spotted revving her engine loudly and repeatedly reversing over a pair of sunglasses outside a Donut Shop in Santa Barbara, California. Her erratic behavior was likely due to Acute Sugar Intoxication.

"Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer's observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of Tartlets, Lindor Balls and we found what appears to be a whole Sacher Torte under the front seat ,' Marshall said. "She lit the "Specials" on a Glucometer, but there will be hell to pay when she comes down."

The Actress has struggled with the sweets ever since hooking up with Bon-Bon Jovi.

You know the Pastry Chef is a manWith the Love Dough in his handHe’s got Eclairs an' Tarts an' PastriesGood God, he’s not a Protein manAww, The Baker for a nickelLord, will sell you lots of Sweet CreamsYou’ll get the Body Fat and the Dia-bee-tees