Taz been said that I’m “not funny anymore”. I know this because everybody has been yelling at me that I’m “not funny anymore”. (When I say everybody, I generally just mean the cat, as no one else ever listens to me anyways.)

Good old bollocks section used to be proper dapper ’till the tumbleweeds started coming over here and stealing our punchlines…

Now, I like the odd tumbleweed, I find they’re very worthy conversationalists apart from the fact that nobody yells “YOU’RE NOT FUNNY ANYMORE”* with greater gusto than the odd tumbleweed.

(*I did dun the caps lock because I wanted it to come across as a bit “UKIPPY” except I messed it up and put the apostrophe in YOUR.)

Advocaat! There's a blast from the past, and Warninks? The strange yellow bottle that would sit at the back of the standard 1970s drinks cabinet with all the crust around the sticky screw top...

I remember there wan't enough alcohol in there to make a difference and so I concluded that it would be more effective to mix it with the 8% "bus stop pizza topping" style cider. Sparkling idea for a 13 year old - I think my sphincter still has the scars from violent vomiting to this day...

I know it's 2017 because I changed to 5 * a_decade.one + 1 just before 2016 killed itself. Although, I didn't personally witness the changeover because I was putting in flooring and was only told about it. Maybe I shouldn't believe them and stubborn;y consider it to still be 2016?

I have no idea about any of these elephants or alcohols about which you speak except for vermouth which I find absolutely disgusting.

You've got stuff rotting away, J? How about a nice big punch? The rest of the advocaat, vermouth, all the dregs from back of the drinks cabinet and small tin of chopped spinach into the shaker - perfect! The Elephant's Arse! Serve warm, pull in a string out of the shaker and savour the chewy bits...

That's enough of that it's not even 8am yet...

Is "5 * a_decade.one + 1" a free upgrade? Or maybe that's what happened at the end of 2015's software licence, not enough of us in the world purchased the full upgrade to 2016, and that's why it all went sphincter?

Is "5 * a_decade.one + 1" a free upgrade? Or maybe that's what happened at the end of 2015's software licence, not enough of us in the world purchased the full upgrade to 2016, and that's why it all went sphincter?

Definitely a downgrade from the original license purchased in 1960. Of course, the hardware is outdated and the software gets softer every year too.

Maybe the gregorian calendar is in fact a product of an iOS survival app, which unfortunately came out (will come out) just before the point of human catastrophic failure (in fact, in a few months from now) and erroneously writes the whole concept of time on an unused iCloud account that only has enough memory capacity to write all of a world's history up to sometime in 2017?