Description: Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Skydiver Felix Baumgartner landed safely after a 24-mile jump from the stratosphere. A big thanks goes to the world's worst police negotiator for making it possible.

Baumgartner set a new record for highest jump but failed to break the freefall record. As that record still belongs to America's economy.

Former Sen. Arlen Specter died over the weekend. Specter being most notable for switching from Republican to Democrat to not alive.

The Navy reported that a nuclear submarine and Aegis cruiser crashed into one another on Saturday. Said the cruiser, "Ah jeeze!"

In Georgia, a judge appointed a lawyer to represent a dog accused of attacking a 5-year-old boy. And the boy's lawyer is literally licking its paws.

Tens of thousands of Pakistanis rallied in support of the 14-year-old girl who was shot by the Taliban for promoting women's education. Making that two things Pakistanis feel passionate about: the safety of children, and YouTube videos.

President Obama will reportedly attack Mitt Romney's history with Bain Capital at the next presidential debate. Meanwhile, Romney will reportedly attack Obama's history with not doing well at presidential debates.

A recent survey of cancer patients found that 25 percent misunderstood the goal of their chemotherapy. Defending themselves, doctors maintain they never used the phrase "Hulk powers."

Pro-PBS protesters are organizing a “Million Muppet March” in Washington, D.C., three days before the election. However, they will go away if everyone just buys a $40 tote bag.

Over 9,000 butterflies died while being used in a modern art exhibit at a museum in London. On the bright side, they just prevented 9,000 hurricanes.

Five British Marines have been charged with murder over a 2011 incident in Afghanistan. Their first mistake? Not being American.

In a secretly recorded phone conversation, a debt collector told a disabled US Army veteran who failed to pay back his college that he “should have died." In response, the debt collector's manager fired him for being too understanding.