I Won’t Hate You As Much If You Just Put On Your Big Girl Panties And Own Up To Your Mistakes

At the risk of sounding like a fucking badass, I have to admit that I’m totally the queen of holding grudges. Like, I’m still mad at the slapdick referee from my little league soccer team for throwing me out of the game because I kept spitting on people who wouldn’t get the fuck out of my way. Douche. And I’m kind of still PO’d at Tory for not pretending to be my lesbian lover when some scumbag kept trying to shove his tongue down my throat. And don’t even get me started about when my ex-hairdresser gave me cringe-worthy highlights. She’s dead to me now.

Anyway, the only reason I even have this opportunity to own this crown is because some of you fucks won’t admit you don’t shit gold. You’re not perfect. Nobody is. Not even (surprise!) yours truly, if you can believe that. I’ve had pregnant scares. I’ve failed classes. I’m just like the rest of you except I sit on a throne of unforgiven mistakes.

If more people apologized when they fucked up, I wouldn’t throw things at their heads when they turned around. It’s not that hard to say, “I suck ass. My B” every time you do something stupid. How old are you? If you are over the age of 18, you shouldn’t be making excuses for your mistakes. So what? You slept with someone’s boyfriend. Don’t try saying, “His dick fell into my vagina when he tripped.” Just admit you did it. Honestly, you don’t even have to say sorry if you aren’t. But do grow up and quit trying to hide your actions.

If you’re worried about what the future holds, I can already tell you it’s going to suck. Karma is a complete cunt sometimes. However, even if you’re drowning in lies, just imagine how free you’ll feel when you finally say, “Yes, George, it was I who threw up in your truck.” Homeboy might be mad for like a week, but he’ll get over it. On the other hand, if he knows it was you who spewed rainbow vomit all over his leather backseat and you don’t say anything, he’s going to pour bleach into your gin and tonic next time you go out. Admitting you were wrong or just confessing that you did something most of society deems iniquitous is one step towards adulthood. So please, for fuck’s sake, just say you screwed up. You will move a few numbers down or even get knocked off my list of peasants..

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Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.