I suppose technically I have until midnight tonight to wrap up the April Book Binge .. and while I have been known to manage a novel in a day, it’s not gonna happen today, so updating now. What an abysmal month for reading for me! 😦 I think this has to be one of my all time lows for number of books read in a month! Anyways, here’s my list:

yep, that’s just 7 … didn’t parrticularly enjoy I Am Legend, *loved* The Red Tend & really enjoyed my friend’s novel – had me laughing out loud a few times, which is always good & the rest were light enough reads, so at least the quality is ok.

It may not be quite over yet, but boy, has April gone by quickly! I feel like I didn’t manage to accomplish much this month … didn’t read or knit as much as I’d hoped, the house is less organized than I’d like, I didn’t get out to a seminar series as planned. My taxes aren’t done yet (though that *will* be remedied this weekend), the snow tires still need to come off the car …. lots of *undone* things this month!

But … then I remember what I *was* doing. Spending time with The Child – we’ve played frisbee and catch and board games and read together and gone to the park and been a couple new places. I started, and made great progress on a more challenging-for-me bit of lace knitting. As the snow melted, life returned to our little pond and The Child & I have enjoyed Frawg watching. Lunch has been spent taking time for walks again. Over the month I’ve made some new acquaintances and what I think is going to be a *very* special friendship indeed.

I feel like I’ve spent the last several years of my life holding back.

When my marriage ended, I went through grief, anger and even numbness. I think I allowed the numb stage too much of a hold .. I didn’t see the point in holding onto anger, disappointment or betrayal … but I think I slowed the healing process down in not allowing myself to sooner *feel* the full force of these things. Is it really “bad’ to give into sorrw and anger and such “negative” emotions? . I wonder if I’d tossed caution and restraint out the window if I might have been able to truly feel free of that part of my past sooner?

I just wonder … is it better to use caution with matters of the heart and with finances and really, one’s life? I don’t mean to suggest that living in wild abandon is the way to go .. but I wonder if being so *careful* is good .. at least for me? In the last 5 or so years I feel I’ve moderated myself so much. It’s certainly not good to rack up thousands of dollars in debt trying to keep abreast of the latest and greatest gadgets .. but a little debt for the sake of a few things that would bring greater connection, and that would allow some indulgence of passions and hobbies – would that be a bad thing?

I’ve not really got myself “out there” so to speak … haven’t dated, haven’t sought out much in the way of new *real life* groups or activities. In 5 years, there’s been less than half a dozen adult nights out .. and I don’t think that’s a good thing. It’s easy to blame it on not having the money to go out, or wanting to be careful about who I meet, or worrying about The Child, or thinking I needed to sort myself out first … but I think I have had enough of the introspection .. I think no one is ever “done” .. there’s not going to be some perfect point to find someone … I think I’m in a much better place than I was and maybe I need to stop expecting myself to get everything figured out before I take a step forward ….

Does waiting make the reward sweeter? Or does it mean the reward never comes?

There’ll always be reasons *not* to do things, not to spend the money, not to take the chance, not to give one’s heart….

People are just amazing creatures, aren’t they? To me, humans are such complex beings …

It amazes me how I am constantly finding joy in finding good in others, how uplifting are the stories of grace, forgiveness, triumph, endurance, courage, bravery and so on.

and at the same time, I frequently find myself unhappily surprised at the capacity for people to cause great hurt …

I wonder sometimes if it’s good to feel so deeply; I’ve been told I’m too sensitive and been questioned why I’d shed tears over a stranger, but you know what, I think this would be a much better world if we all *could* feel empathy for one another.

For now, I’m working on making peace with myself. I’ve spent too long trying to numb myself, trying to bury my feelings and re-make myself in ways I’ll just never be. It’s hard to think I can’t *do* much about so very many of the wrongs, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop letting myself *feel*. And on the other side of the spectrum, I’m not willing to deny myself the great happiness that can be found.

Passion for life, the joys, the laughter, the tears, the love, the heart-thumping moments … this is what I once again am hoping to embrace….