Devacationization

Make plans to meet friends in Sedona for a long weekend of fun, friendship and relaxation.

Arrive in Sedona. Reunite with friends.

Talk.

Laugh.

Cry.

Laugh.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Go on a hike with friends.

Look around in disbelief.

The mountains are red.

The mountains look fake, like a movie set.

Decide that everyone should see this.

Feel peace.

Feel at one with nature.

Get a hot stone massage.

Sit in a steam room.

Have a margarita.

And a grilled cheese sandwich.

Talk some more.

Laugh.

Go to dinner and have the best Mexican food you’ve ever had.

Discuss with dining companions whether waitress is a tranny.

Argue “no” because no Adam’s apple.

Be informed that there’s now an Adam’s apple-ectomy procedure.

Star gaze.

Navel gaze.

Go to sleep.

Wake up.

Coffee and breakfast with friends.

Laugh.

Talk.

Look at college pictures.

Say “who’s that guy? He looks like a dick” while looking at one of the photos only to realize that it’s one of your friends.

Who’s sitting across from you.

Apologize.

But laugh.

A lot.

Read about vortexes.

Go on another hike.

Pet a horse.

Admire a cactus.

Sit in the jacuzzi.

Say things like, “maybe it’s just the vortex talking, but I think I’ll have another glass of champagne.”

Walk around in a robe.

Go to sleep.

As you’re falling asleep, hear a friend say, “last night I dreamt about baby ducks and bunnies. But they were up to something.”

Be unable to stop laughing at your friend dreaming about ducks and bunnies.

Fall asleep.

Wake up.

Go to the airport.

Settle in with a book.

Realize reading glasses are still at the hotel room.

Fume.

Seethe.

Remind self that self is now one with nature and has inner peace.

Chuckle to self and read book while squinting.

Land at JFK.

Feel relaxed and at peace and recharged and happy to be home.

Call Love of Life.

No answer.

Call Husbandrinka.

Haha, Husbandrinka is Love of Life. The Sedona vortexes have done wonders for your sense of humor.

Husbandrinka seems happy to hear that you’ve landed.

Ask what the kids are doing.

Hear that Beautiful Daughter is doing homework and Young Ladrinka is at a friend’s house, where he has been stationed all weekend and is not expected until 7 p.m. that night. Sunday night.

Innocently ask, “has he done his homework for tomorrow?”

Hear Husbandrinka say “no clue” as though you’d ask him if he knew what the recipe for Pepsi is.

LOSE SHIT COMPLETELY.

Say things like “is it so much to ask that when I go away for a simple weekend stay at an exclusive four star Sedona spa to drink champagne and have massages that you take care of things on the home front?! It’s really difficult to have inner peace and spirituality and all that shit when I know that I’ll have to oversee motherfucking homework tonight! EVERYTHING IS RUINED.”

So glad that you had a lovely time and laughed a lot. Of course, no trip would be complete without you coming home to find out the man in your life didn’t do everything you wanted. Or to come home to a messy house/kitchen. It seems even if I am gone for 2 days the later happens.

I had no idea that you could now reduce your adam’s apple. Cool. Also – I SO DO THIS TO MY HUSBAND EVERY TIME. “You could have at least done the dishes!” “Why are there dirty clothes everywhere!” “Do you think if I’m not here it’s all funville and all the chores and work just disappear?”

OK, so Sedona is officially my next getaway, based solely on your awesome time. I cannot guarantee it will be equally as awesome without your cool crew, but I am going to do my best to make it happen. And whoa. How offensive on the not overseeing of the homework situation.

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