I came home from work one night last week to find my husband at home with our three sons. After a day of zigzagging across the city for various work appointments, he’d picked up Chile and Tripp from school, then Indy from daycare. Dinner was almost ready, with 15 minutes to spare before he had to take our oldest, Chile, to baseball for a few hours.

He was in full-on dad-mode.

“Thank you, honey! You’re better than most moms,” I cracked. We both chuckled, but I immediately regretted the comment. Especially because the boys were in earshot.

Implying that Jesse is such a good parent that he was “mom-like” just perpetuates stereotyping that I already can’t stand. Involved dad-ing, multitasking, meal-preparation and caregiving shouldn’t be considered mom’s domain and dad shouldn’t be considered exceptional for doing the work that many moms do.

I regret the way that I praised him, but I don’t regret praising him in front of the kids. Because A) Coming home to all my kids and a hot meal was awesome. And B) I want the boys to see positive reinforcement for this kind of parenting.

It’s 2018, and people are expecting more from dads. They want men to be emotionally available. They want them to care for the kids. They want them to take paternity leave and handle their share of domestic chores. They want the kids to run to them when they’re hurt. They want dads to take the kids to doctor and dentist appointments.

But when do we start teaching boys to be dads? It seems to me that we don’t. We expect men to turn into fathers the minute they have a baby. But as women, we’ve often been learning the trade along the way.

Whenever I take Indiana to the school to pick up the boys, he is showered with adoration. In the younger classes, both girls and boys crowd him and want to cradle him and hug him. The older they get, though, the more it becomes obvious that the girls are more comfortable showing affection and holding the baby than the boys are.

Hmm.

Paternity leave is becoming the norm. But giving a little boy a doll to play with and care for is still very rare. And it seems like you’re still 10 times more likely to hire the neighbourhood teenage boy to shovel your driveway than to babysit your kid. Boys and teenage boys are full of love and fully capable of owning that role — we just need to encourage opportunities for them to care for little ones.

People are often surprised at the level of involvement 10-year-old Chile has in his baby brother’s life. Chile is fully capable of waking up with Indy, giving him a bottle and feeding him (no diaper changes, yet, unfortunately). He loves showing off his big-brothering skills. In a year or two, he’ll babysit for short periods if we’re down the street or in the neighbourhood.

We tell him he’ll be an incredible dad someday if he decides to have children.

I’ve seen the ripple effect this has had on him — he is also caring and thoughtful of other small children and toddlers now. He sees Indy in all of them.

I’m not pushing fatherhood on him — he’s 10, for goodness sake. But we encourage the heck out of this caring, care-taking side. Whether he has kids or not, this is a good thing.

Because — and I believe it bears repeating — we expect men to turn into dads overnight. But how can we expect that if they’ve been totally separated from caregiving their entire lives?

There are definitely still families in which moms and dads adhere to their more traditional roles. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are also families with one parent. Or two same-gendered parents, or non-binary parents. There are many ways to love children and create loving families.

But in general, if we want more involved and multi-tasking fathers we need to encourage boys to be caring and nurturing from a much younger age than 30, when they become literal fathers.

With Father’s Day on the horizon I find myself grateful for the three main fathers in my life — my husband, my dad and my father-in-law. Each of them are dedicated, loving and nurturing to their children and mine.

I want our three sons to be like them. But I don’t expect that to happen without teaching and encouragement.

To the dads and dad-figures who have loved my children, thank you.

To everyone who’s lost a dad, or didn’t have one growing up, I see you and acknowledge how hard this day might be.

And to all the hard-working dads and dad-figures, Happy Father’s Day.

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