The Magazine For Your True Self

sex

Have you ever had an upsetting theory and secretly hoping that you were wrong?And that theory was proven right in your deep disappointed? This happened to me recently.

I fell in love with a guy couple of years ago, and he kept telling me once I moved and once we lived in the same city we will get serious. But every time I tried to end it, he would find a way not to cut contacts. So going round and round, trying to figure out what he actually felt and why he behaved this way for a long time, I finally got the nerve to have the most difficult conversation;

He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me after he had disappeared for 2 months. He said he had started seeing someone and he could not have sex with her without picturing me. For a split Second, I felt warm and wanted and had a smile on my face, but then I realized, sex, that’s what he was thinking of. I remembered all the fears and worries that I had, that maybe I wasn’t good enough to be his girlfriend, that maybe I was just an amazing fantasy filler for him, or maybe he is just not that into me..

So I asked him: How can you want me so much and think about me and still be with someone else? You know where I am, you know how to find me. How could you want me so badly and not want me at the same time?

This was his first sentence: Well relationships are not all about sex. I think after that I felt like I was in an explosion, and everything went slow and numb. He said he gets bored with the sex in a relationship after a while and he has to look other places for it. He said being with the girls that are usually good on paper, and he can introduce to his parents, the ones that are good with kids, usually the sex is not good and they are boring. I could believe what I was hearing, because I was afraid of this, the funny part was, now that I was hearing it out loud, it sounded so stupid and childish that I could not believe I actually loved a man that is saying these words. I understood what he was saying and I hated it at the same time. All I could hear was: I’m not good enough. It is actually true, I’m not good enough.

He started saying he’s not talking about me and he is saying this in general, blah blah blah. He said he has always gotten bored with everyone’s sex other than me, this is the first time that he keeps thinking about it and not bored. But it wasn’t working, all I could hear was: The girls that are good on paper…

It cut like a knife through my heart. Facing the reality: I’m not his type. How is it that he is so my type and I am not his? It was obvious that he is immature in relationship matters and he is still learning, but where does that leave me. The rest of the conversation is blurry, or basically repeating the first two sentences in better words or nicer ways. My body went numb for 2 days after that. I didn’t want to know my worst nightmare had come true. I was not his type, I was not good enough. Plain and simple. I was not good on paper.

How is that possible? We have everything in common, we think alike, we act alike, we like everything together, we have the same lifestyle, we mesh well. How could he not think we are good for each other? Am I too old? Am I not white enough? Am I not boring enough? How does he think I’m not good with kids? Went over these questions over and over, the result was acceptance: He is never going to be with you.

Now, ever since this conversation, I have been struggling with being someone’s “type”. And any hope of a guy actually choosing a girl based on how they feel about them, instead of just having an agenda, has gone out the window. I need to know and hope to hear from you gentlemen; Am I crazy to hope someday maybe a guy that I think is my type and I have feelings for (if that ever happens again), would choose me because they want to be with me, and not because I am good on paper? Or are we all just position fillers for a guy’s vision?

I know this is not a typical Danubelle style, but this has shaken me to my core recently and I believe sharing it might help me or some other girl that has been heart broken.

For me to hear those words from him has made me numb. I don’t know how to feel. When you feel that your worst nightmare has come true, what do you do? What are you supposed to do?

Acceptance is your one and only friend at these times as it seems. What if you’re still not sure what it is that you need to accept? What am I supposed to accept? Is it the fact that he thinks I am not good enough, or that he is just not that into me? Or is it that I go after guys who are not interested to date me, because I have a fear of opening up?

Acceptance, I guess in a pure sense, it is just to accept the present moment with all its unknown answers. Accept the fact that I will never have this guy for whatever reason. Accept the fact that I might never be good enough for a guy like that, and need to have a reality check and know myself properly before I go after what is not ready for me, or not mine at all.