Alec Baldwin’s Preschool Report Card

As Alec’s teacher, I can report that Alec pays careful attention to his personal cleanliness and grooming, especially regarding his hair, which he has repeatedly asked me to touch. For October’s show-and-tell, Alec brought in what he referred to as his “steely blue eyes.” He stood in front of the entire class in silence for three minutes, and then asked, in his already surprisingly deep and raspy voice, “Am I turning you on?” All the other children, including the boys, raised their hands. After another long pause, Alec smiled and said, “I thought so.”

Playing Habits

Alec is a generous and caring playmate, although during one game of tag, at recess, he claimed that Jimmy Peterson had not, in fact, tagged him, and Alec asked me to call in both a police officer and an attorney. “Jimmy was nowhere near me,” Alec insisted, “and he knows it. Jimmy is a fucking little candy-ass liar who’s gonna end up living in a trailer with his fat wife and their eight fat kids.”

After I spoke with Alec about his response, he apologized to Jimmy and added, “Jimmy, I bet someday you’re gonna have a totally hot wife, and I’m gonna be all over that.”

Study Habits

Alec was one of my very first students to learn the entire alphabet, although he said that “only right-wing morons” would ever need all the letters. He has recently begun reading the Times Op-Ed page aloud to his classmates, during which he occasionally rolls his eyes, snorts, and mutters, “Man, this is such a pantload of liberal whining. Just like you, Amanda, when you keep saying, ‘I love my Raggedy Ann doll, because she has curly red hair and freckles, just like me.’ Yeah, and you better start dating each other, because that’s where it’s going.”

When I asked Alec to choose his words more carefully, he insisted that he admired both Amanda and her Raggedy Ann doll for their honest relationship, and added, “I hope they go for it. And I’d be open to a three-way.”

Making Friends

Alec is a popular and charismatic child, and in January he ran for class president, and gave a campaign speech in which he called for less nap time, ten additional buckets of Legos, and more raisins in the class’s morning Dixie cups of Raisin Bran. In his speech, he asked, “What is this with only five fucking raisins and all that goddam bran? Where are we, North Korea? Sorry, Su-Chin. What? You’re not Korean? I’m sorry, we should talk about that. But no wonder you can’t add.”

Alec lost the election by one vote, to Su-Chin. Alec then announced that the election had been rigged and that he’d decided to go into acting instead, and just last month he played the title role in our class play, “The Happy Little Bunny.” But Alec decided that the original script was too lightweight, so he rewrote it, using the title “The Little Bunny Who Struggled with Impulse Control and in June Is So Fucking Out of Here.”

Special Gifts

In addition to acting and politics, Alec has demonstrated a knack for finger painting, playing the tambourine, and kickboxing. Sadly, he sometimes combines these aptitudes. When the school photographer arrived to take our annual class picture, Alec threw paint on him, broke a tambourine over his head, and kicked him in the groin, claiming that the photographer had invaded his personal space and had also shot him from the wrong side. “I told him to come in from the right,” Alec explained, “because that’s my hero side, and not from the left, which makes me look like a goddam five-year-old.”

When I reminded him that he was, in fact, a five-year-old, Alec pointed to some early silver strands in his thick, dark hair. “You see these?” he asked me. “Do you know how I got these? From no raisins, a photographer who doesn’t respect me, and the fact that you won’t go out with me. Sure, I’m five and you’re, what, thirty? But I’ve seen your little punk-ass assistant-vice-principal fiancé, and he’s never gonna make principal and you know it. Come on, Kelli. A bitch needs a Baldwin.”

While Alec was rude, disgusting, and completely inappropriate, and I considered recommending him for suspension or even expulsion, could I really say that he was wrong? ♦