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Sunday, May 11, 2014

Tips on being broke

If you're in a position to buy cylindrical meat, spend the extra few cents on Slim Jim. There's nothing more depressing than watching a grown adult eat cylindrical meat, might as well go name brand.

Everyone's a potential employer so it's best not to ask every passerby for something, anything, to eat.

When you're at a restaurant with friends, ask every one of them if they're going to finish their food. If they say, "No," ask if you can take it home to your dog. If they point out you don't have a dog, say, "Yeah I do. I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it."

Start a Kickstarter for a fictional down-on-his-luck artist. Keep all the money. Say raising the money was an art project in itself. Get some press in your local anarchist weekly by claiming it was a commentary on the idiocy of capitalism. Spend the money on Slim Jims and Nike socks.

You'd be surprised how many fictional down on their luck artists show up in Google Image Search.

Life Hack: Tying your shoes takes 5 seconds of the day you could have better spent finding new ways to peel a banana. Fuck shoes, man.

Nobody likes a bum. Next time you're bumming a cigarette, dress very frat-couture. You know, Oakley shades, spiky gelled hair, flip flops, and designer jeans. Ask the biggest hippie looking motherfucker who's smoking for a cigarette. They'll give it to you because you look so cool and hey, you only smoke when you're out with the bros.

Ok, we get it. You're cool, guy.

Print out coupons for Chipotle except you have to photoshop out the part that says, "No Double Coupons," to make it say, "Only Double Coupons." To do this, don't waste money on Photoshop. Cover the part that says "No" with your pointer finger. On your pointer finger nail, write "Only." Chipotle workers aren't paid enough to examine things with their eyes.

When going to parties, always bring a guitar. Inside the guitar, have a tiny portable radio doohickey. Pretend to strum and sing and watch the money roll in. If anyone says anything, say, "Somebody's jealous," really loud and make dismissive gestures their way.

Start a religious cult. People throw money at broke assholes claiming to have a direct line to god all the damn time. Just take a mainstream religion, add two doses of batshit crazy, and add one dietary restriction. Voila! You've got a fucking cult, bro.