YOU LOOKING AT ME?

Spare a thought for the Fiver, who was rudely awoken at some ungodly hour earlier today to be greeted by the annoying sound of Arsene Wenger sounding crankier than a bag of weasels at his lunchtime press conference. It was a confab with the ladies and gentlemen of the fourth estate that was conveniently sandwiched between Saturday's FA Cup home humiliation at the hands of Blackeye Rovers and tomorrow night's world of Big Cup pain due to be meted out by Bayern Munich. And if Arsenal's gaffer was feeling relaxed, upbeat and generally on top of the world ahead of tomorrow night's season-ender, he was hiding it well.

"Why are you looking at me?" he petulantly barked at one unfortunate hack.

Of course this thrilling instalment of the world's favourite tea-timely football email should just pack up now, because nothing we write is going to top that particular exchange for giggles. However, considering Wenger was in such prickly form, it would be a gross dereliction of duty were we not to riff on his pain by cataloguing some of the more absurd highlights of the one-man lunchtime cabaret that were being judiciously reported by many present on Twitter. And even that was kind of ironic, considering that when he wasn't sniping at individual tabloid and broadsheet johnnies, Wenger took time to have a pop at the popular time-wasting site, saying that "we live in a democracy of experts," then adding that many in this confederacy of dunderheads were "experts who are not necessarily right."

Quizzed on whether or not the FA Cup remains anywhere near the top of his list of priorities, Mount Wenger threatened to erupt again. "I've won the FA Cup four times, who has won it more? Give me one name," he demanded, although at this point it would have been a brave hack who'd cleared his throat and rattled off a list of managers that includes George Ramsay, Thomas Mitchell, Lord Ferg and Plain Old John Terry.

To be fair to Wenger, his anger at the UK media is understandable, because if they hadn't insisted on broadcasting and reporting the risible shift put in by the overly complacent players he picked to take on Blackeye Rovers, word of their defeat might not have got beyond a certain north London enclave and its immediate environs. In recent years, Wenger has overseen the rise of Arsenal's ticket, refreshment and merchandise prices to such an extent that they have become the envy of club chairmen the length and breadth of the UK and beyond, so it seems unfair that all these pesky hacks seem interested in quizzing him about are petty trifles such as the near eight years that have passed since he last won a trophy.

Of course it's possible that, like the Fiver, Wenger just doesn't like cold, dark Monday mornings, so in better news for the Arsenal manager, word has at least filtered out of the Emirates that he will have upwards of £70m to spend on new players during the summer. In recent years, the annual cobblers emanating from the Arsenal boardroom about the size of their manager's summer transfer kitty has become a much more reliable sign that spring and – coincidentally – season ticket renewal time are upon us than the sight or sound of any number of tulips or cuckoos.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The situation is completely out of our control" – a Portsmouth suit defends the decision by club administrators to charge Carlisle £20 to park their bus at Fratton Park for the sides' weekend fixture.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Presumably the quality of Fiver-themed racehorse gags has dried up, hence the need to divert our attention with a letter o' the day prize. Clever Fiver. I, on the other hand, have spent too long trying to think of something clever and witty to write since it was announced that prizes were coming back. The lost earnings from these wasted hours are roughly more than the cost of a Savile Rogue scarf. Stupid Simon" – Simon Lea.

"If I may step in here on behalf of the Fiver to help Ronan Heffernan (Friday's letters) better understand the logic behind choosing Fernando Torres in order to protect a bung finger during training by simply suggesting he makes his way to Chelsea's training ground next time they are having shooting practice and position himself left, right or if possible, above Petr Cech's goal then he would find the answer would hit him fair in the face" – Flavio L'Abbate.

"Regarding the Fiver's expertise in irritating jokes (Friday's Fiver): I would like to be among the 1,057 readers to gleefully respond that, despite some clever early work and promising buildup, there has yet to be any punchline whatsoever in any Fiver ever written ... Unless the punchline is the Fiver itself, in which case there are definite issues with the timing" – Angus Golding.

"I'm sure I am one of 1,057 to point out that eight FA Cup fixtures + one Premier League game x 1.111111111111 = 9.111111111111 things to watch out for this weekend (Friday's still want mores). Simply adding parentheses before "eight" and after "game" would have resulted in, for all intents and purposes, 10. Or, could the Fiver have been implying that the linked article really only had 9.111111111111 things to watch out for this weekend? I couldn't be bothered to click the link to find out" – Brett Lassus.

"Roberto Mancini didn't invent a 21st top-flight team (Friday's bits and bobs); he's merely including whatever team it is that Brendan Rodgers believes he's watching every week" – James Staunton.

• Competition: for one week only we're giving away a Savile Rogue scarf (colour of the winner's choice) for the letter of the day. So get scribbling. Today's winner: Simon Lea.

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BITS AND BOBS

Brian McDermott is in bullish mood ahead of Reading's FA Cup tie at Old Trafford tonight. "It's a surprise to see United so far ahead in the Premier League when you look at the calibre of opposition they're up against. They're 12 points in front with 12 games to go and Sir Alex Ferguson won't take anything for granted, there's no doubt about that. To move on the way they did from last season, to take that on to the pitch and that hurt, tells you the power of the people there," he hopelessly obsequioused.

Having noticed him lurking around the club watching his son play for the past 14 months, Blackpool have finally taken Paul Ince's hint and given him the manager's job. Simon Grayson hasn't been hanging around at Preston, however they've given him the gaffer's job there anyway.

After Lee Clark called striker Nikola Zigic's performance in training on Thursday "the worst I have ever come across", the Birmingham manager has had to recall him following their 4-0 shellacking against Watford. "It's been a tough few days," sniffed the manager, collecting his toys up again and inserting them back in his pram.