The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/7/13: Passion Versus Apathy

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Anyway, welcome back. Please click through for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for January 7, 2013.

Worst: Let’s Recap The Poopies, In Case Brandon Was Lucky Enough To Miss It

Before we pick back up with the column, I feel like I should explain my absence of the last two weeks.

The lack of a column two weeks ago is easy enough to explain — WWE aired a pre-taped, Christmas-themed Raw on Christmas Eve, and because nobody at UPROXX updated on Christmas (choosing to be with our families instead of on the Internet, or whatever) we let that Raw go. The next week’s Raw was also pre-taped, and also fell on a holiday: New Year’s Eve. I stayed home to watch that Raw and everything, but it’s impossible for me to avoid spoilers, so I purposefully skipped the show’s ending.

My intention was to write the column as normal. On New Year’s Day, I got a call from my mother informing me that my 53-year old father had just had his second heart attack. Hopefully you can understand why I wouldn’t want to sit in front of a computer making jokes about Kofi Kingston’s hit detection with my dad on the brink of death 10 states away. The good news is that my dad’s condition was downgraded to “heart trauma” and then a “heart episode,” which means he’ll be fine as long as he stops eating flank steak every day and trying to lose weight by doing non-stop jumping jacks to reach his New Year’s resolution on day one. The silver lining is that I didn’t have to write about John Cena literally dropping stage-poop on his ex-girlfriend.

I guess WWE sent out a memo reading, “his dad’s fine, make sure he sees the poop part,” so last night’s Raw, in the first moments of the first segment on my first show back, they recapped the entirety of the slut-shaming poop drop. At least they left out the photoshop jokes, so … Happy New Year?

Best: Big E Langston’s Hilarious Mic Skills

I think my favorite part of Raw was Big E Langston grabbing the microphone, then being openly surprised about the fact that he was able to speak. OH I GOT THE MIC NOW. YO CENA. It was glorious. It was like they’d pulled somebody out of the crowd to do a wrestler impression and challenge John Cena.

It doesn’t make any sense, though. Dolph Ziggler’s standing there shaking his head “no,” so Langston picks up the mic and accepts the challenge. That cues Ziggler’s music, so Dolph just WALKS TO THE RING AND WRESTLES JOHN ANYWAY. How the hell does THAT work? I get that when Teddy Long waddles out and Holler Hollers at you he’s got some modicum of kayfabe power, so you’ve got to do what he says … but Big E is the third most important person in a three-person stable. If Hulk Hogan refused to fight sting, could Horace just show up and be all IT’S AWNNNNN and start the match? Could the nWo angle have been over in five minutes if Horace had just been really into fantasy booking?

Don’t get me wrong, though, I love it. I hope Big E gets to talk more and stays weird about it. With Titus O’Neil becoming suddenly charismatic, we need another musclebound guy who cuts wrestling promos like he’s ordering at a drive-thru.

Worst: John Cena, Overcomin’ Them Odds

I’m not sure why this match happened. WWE’s favorite story to tell now is “heel is an opportunist, achieves small personal victory, loses match to upcoming opponent, loses another match to upcoming opponent, loses another match to upcoming opponent, loses to opponent at PPV, achieves second opportunistic victory in unrelated situation, becomes champion.” They LOVE it. When Daniel Bryan won the World Heavyweight Championship, 99% of commentary was “Daniel Bryan sure is terrible, I bet he’s going to lose here,” and then he’d pretty much lose, but he’d find a way to keep the belt and everybody acted upset. I don’t know why “you have something you don’t DESERVE” is the big WWE selling point, but I guess it always has been.

I feel like Cena could’ve just wrestle and defeat Dolph repeatedly without having to have the odds stacked against him every week. Before TLC, it wasn’t just “Dolph vs. Cena, who is better,” it was “Dolph vs. Cena but Cena’s leg is hurt and he’s worried about his girlfriend and has too much on his mind.” Cena only lost at TLC because of an extraneous, Cena-related happenstance. Dolph didn’t do shit. Now it’s not “Cena vs. Dolph, so Cena can get his revenge,” it’s Cena vs. Dolph and AJ and Big E Langston, and they’re doing ref bumps that don’t effect the end of the match just to do them and on and on. It’s not even like they’re stacking the odds to give John something to slowly overcome. If he had to beat Langston to get to Dolph or whatever that’d be fine. Basic wrestling storytelling. Instead, he’s just beating them all at once immediately, because RESOLVE. And now he’s moving on to the Royal Rumble, which he probably won’t win because of Dolph + X, followed by four consecutive Raws of him beating up Dolph to get revenge.

Just have normal odds, John, it’s fine.

Best: Everything Else About This Match

The match itself was really, really good. It was one of two pay-per-view quality matches on the show, and even though it’s a variation on the same Cena workrate match we’ve been seeing since last Summer, that’s a welcomed reprieve from Cena tagging in to hit his moves and stand tall. I’m also not going to give a Worst to a Raw that gets the wacky talking over by 8:10 and parlays it into a 15-minute one-on-one match. This is how Raws should start. You know, besides Cena doing the wave.

The crowd made the match even better. They were hot the entire time and reacted big for all the near falls (I’m glad Ziggler started using that jumping DDT as his big falsie instead of the Fame-asser, because seriously, he is never going to win a match with the Fame-asser). My favorite part was Cena losing his shoe and exposing his tiny foot, outing himself officially as a Rob Liefeld character. He’s always screaming, he’s got pouches on his ring gear … all we needed was to see his baby feet for confirmation. WWE should figure out a way to make one of his eyes glow.

Best: Fandango’s Videos Are Regressing

I love that the early Fandango(o) hype videos advertised him as ANGELIC and NOBLE and gave him a bunch of catchphrases (“Mind if I cut in?” and “Watch your step!” among them), but now it’s just him turning around and saying “Fandango” with no additional information. Next week’s promo should just be a big letter F, then a close up of Johnny Curtis going “uhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Actually, next week’s video should end with him turning to the camera and saying, “oh, sorry, I’m not a wrestler. I’m just a dance instructor who bought ad time!”

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Best: The Divas Division Is Seriously Just Three People, But It’s Getting Better

I’ve talked a lot about how much Eve Torres has improved, but not enough about Kaitlyn.

Watch this clip from last night. In a very short time, Kaitlyn has gone from one of the worst wrestlers ever to being really pretty good in-ring. Watch how much impact her offense has. When she lifts Eve up for the side slam, she doesn’t just awkwardly fall down like Aksana might, she dives to the side and plants Eve into the mat. Watch that shoulderblock. She’s not just Ghostbuster Dog jumping like Cena and hoping for the best, she’s really throwing her weight into it, and Eve’s able to make it look spectacular because it’s spectacular already. The counter into the reverse DDT is smooth, something Divas rarely are, and she makes it look like she’s actually DOING something when she connects, instead of falling backwards. Reverse DDTs NEVER look like they hurt. So yeah, Kaitlyn is gorgeous, but she’s also kinda kicking ass, and we should pay attention to that.

I didn’t like Eve bailing on the match, mostly because they have somebody bail on a match five times per episode (WWE ’14 should let you take your championship and walk out by hitting triangle, square, circle or X at any time during a match), but at least she looked like she was bailing on a beating, and not just taking a couple of signature moves and calling it quits. She didn’t take the easy way out on the bail, either, she hopped the rails and fled. That made it look more like an act of cowardice, and less like a shitty booking decision.

Also, this:

Good stuff all around. Let’s keep this going, and maybe add, I don’t know, other people to the division so we can let the Divas be a thing.

Best: Wade Barrett Versus Ricky Steamboat Now, Please

As longtime readers of The Best And Worst of Raw know, I love the Nexus and consider myself a bit of a Nexus historian. If Ken Burns ever gets brought in to film a documentary for the NEXUS: WWE’s BEST IDEA DVD, I’ll be its Buck O’Neil. Just wistfully smiling and saying “WRESTLING” with emphasis. Worst case scenario, I’ll be its Doris Kearns Goodwin, telling good-hearted stories about how wrestling always makes me sad.

Anyway, Wade Barrett approaching Santino’s “I like a yous matches against a Machoes Mans a Randys Savashes” shit with Ricky Steamboat made me happier than most, because it reminded me of that time the Nexus jacked him so bad he got shoot body failure. That clip is AWESOME. When those guys get together again, it’s going to be epic. It will also be because I finally got that WWE Creative job, because nobody else gives a f**k.

This is how continuity should work, though. You shouldn’t write it expecting your audience to remember what happened 2 1/2 years ago, but it should be there (and right) for the people who know.

Worst: The Tag Team Division Is Too Good To Do Champion Non-Title Losses And Repeated Championship Shots For The Same Team

I hate to give a Team Hell No/Rhodes Scholars match a Worst — especially seeing as how I bookended it with Bests for a Divas match and a Randy Orton squash — but I didn’t really enjoy it. It was fine, and moments of it were great (like the small package, or Cody sniping the leg to hit the Cross Rhodes), but it seemed … I don’t know, counter-productive? Like more of the same?

Tom Holzerman at The Wrestling Blog has a good piece up about how WWE seemingly forgot the progress they’d made with Daniel Bryan and Kane for the sake of encapsulating the story for casual viewers who’d tuned in for the first time in months to see The Rock, and I can see where he’s coming from. I popped for Dr. Shelby, but I don’t think he’s necessary … the team has sorta moved on to their own thing with The Shield and Rhodes Scholars and don’t need to go back to the skit well in 2013. They can succeed as a team on their own and have stories that reference their past, but don’t dwell on it so much it sacrifices what they’ve become.

I’m also not (ever) a fan of champions losing non-title matches to set up a title match, especially against a team that has gotten multiple title matches. If they’re wrestling the Usos non-title to set up a title challenge, sure, but Rhodes Scholars shouldn’t be stuck in WWE’s “these are the two people in the division, when one of them loses we just make them wrestle again, make up a reason why” schtick. You built a division, guys. It’s good, and it makes sense. Now you have to remember that it exists.

Supplementary Best for this uneasy Worst goes for Sandow and Rhodes proclaiming that they’ll beat Team Hell No because they are BEST FRIENDS in Backstage Fallout, which continues to be the best thing WWE does.

Best: I Will Watch Heath Slater Wrestle Anybody

I think I figured it out: I don’t like any of Heath Slater’s matches, I just love watching him wrestle.

Is that weird? I seriously can’t think of a time when I said, “wow, that was a GREAT Heath Slater match,” but every time he wrestles I’m glued to the television. I like watching him ply his craft. The end results aren’t always great, but he’s great at his job. It’s like a late-era Radiohead album. I think they’re geniuses and love listening to hear what they’re doing, even if the songs are mostly terrible.

Radiohead can turn an award show performance into a complex musical spectacle, and Heath Slater can make Randy Orton’s offense look like it might hurt somebody. Dude should get an award for achievement in the field of Throwing Yourself Over For A Powerslam.

Worst: Randy Orton Should Be Different

This isn’t so much a “Worst” as it is a suggestion. Last night we had two dueling backstage segments wherein a top-shelf WWE babyface ran down 3MB and ended up in a match with them. One was Orton, and one was Sheamus. They were basically the same.

That’s kinda the problem I have with Orton. He’s a character, but he never fully commits to it. When Sheamus sees TREE EMBEE, he’s like “HEY TREE EMBEE OR TREE EMBIEBER AS YA LOIKE TA BE CALLED” … yeah, I can’t do this whole thing in his accent. But he’s like YOU’RE LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER YOUR BAND STINKS YOU SMELL LIKE POOPY I’M BETTER THAN YOU YOU’RE ALL GAY BABIES FACE ME NOW, and that’s that. Sheamus The Character is a dipshit 5-year old and I think we’ve all accepted it.

Orton’s threats should never be like that. They shouldn’t even be the subdued “we’re gonna have a match, TONIGHT” stuff he pulled with them. When 3MB saunters up to Orton and goes WOO 3MB BAYBAYYY, Orton should respond with “I am going to slit your throats, get the f**k away from me” and then just CRAZY VIOLENCE. Like, people should be afraid to approach him backstage. Hornswoggle should run up to him all LOOK AT M’BALLS HEH-HEH and get brained with a tire iron. That’s the Orton I want to write. A guy we love and want to see because ho-ho-hooooly shit you shouldn’t have messed with him.

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Worst: The Bullhammer Is Still The Worst

If this match is just a set-up to Wade Barrett defending the Intercontinental Championship against Ricky Steamboat at the Royal Rumble — or even Wade entering the Rumble match and having a showdown with a cat-skinning surprise legend — I’ll be happy to go back and give it a Best. As it stands, it was a minute or so of Santino being Santino, and Wade finishing him off with the worst finish in pro wrestling.

I know nothing makes a WWE-based readership madder quicker than mentioning Japan, but Wade should spend the next six months watching Kazuchika Okada throw the f**king Rainmaker until he learns how to plow through people with a short-arm strike or gives up and starts using the Overdrive.

Best: The Superman Exists, And He’s Swiss

Standard “Antonio Cesaro is WWE TV’s MVP right now and if you aren’t on the bandwagon yet, what’re you, stupid” paragraph here.

That was the best Great Khali match ever, right? I’m not making that up, am I? Khali looked motivated and mobile (probably because his wife and their weird child were clapping at ringside), and Cesaro looked like Legolas taking down a goddamn oliphaunt. Miz whimpering over the match about how he had the “experience” edge on the “rookie” Cesaro was pretty unbearable, but the sight of a clearly superior human being taking apart a much larger foe is the spectacular, worked-storyline shit I expect from a company built on freaks and fake fighting.

Cesaro’s springboard M. Bison European uppercut has got to be the greatest thing going right now. That move is so gorgeous it should be narrated by David Attenborough.

Worst: Nobody Watches Main Event

The only problem I had with the match is that they did the exact same one with the exact same moves and finish on Main Event last week. I get that Raw has a bigger audience and you want to save your big moments for your flagship show, but come on, guys, Main Event isn’t a house show. It’s on national television. People can watch it. You can ape from it for the casual fans, but you shouldn’t pretend like it never happened, especially if you are Michael Cole and Jerry The King Lawler. You guys are paid to watch the f**king wrestling. WATCH IT.

I guess I’m talking to the guy who’d never seen a Big Show superplex collapse the ring on its second go-round and cried out WE’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE the first 15 times Sheamus tried a cloverleaf, but whatever. I feel like “if you missed this on Main Event, get ready to see something spectacular” would work just as well as “WE ARE ALL EXPERIENCING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME.”

Again, the continuity doesn’t have to be dense, but it shouldn’t loop back and lie about itself as soon as it happens. Even for seemingly-inconsequential building block stuff like this.

Worst: #ButtStuff

Remember that thing I said about Sheamus being a 5-year old? In his match with Jinder Mahal, it set it up so Jinder would touch his butt, then made fun of him for touching butts. This is the crowd that chanted “CM Gay” at a hug, so I guess he was just hitting as many lay-ups as possible.

The match wasn’t bad, but when Sheamus The Speaker starts to replace Sheamus The Wrestler, bad things are bound to happen. This is really a worst case scenario for me. For over a year now I’ve been able to excuse most of his shitting-in-the-Mexican’s-car stuff because his in-ring work is so solid. But if he’s going to have fewer matches that end with him groggy and beaten until he looks like a piece of raw chicken and more where he laughs at you for touching his ass, I don’t know, I might have to officially give up on him.

Jack Swagger Of Mars

Chapter 8

The ride back up the descent shaft was a long and cold one for Jack Swagger. For the longest time he sat in silence, staring down at his boots, holding his left arm, trying not to … he wasn’t sure what he wasn’t trying to do. Get kicked off the planet? Get murdered by this alien woman who’d briefly taken him in and shown him the magnificent city in the red planet’s core, only to deride him with her eyes on this elevator’s endless return to the surface?

“You’re lucky they bought the story about you being a delivery. There are some really screwed up people on Mars. Humans are a commodity here. Most of us have never seen one. There was one who teleported here in the 80s, and Carl Sagan, but …” she began to trail off. “You’re a handsome human. You’re lucky, like I said. If you were ugly, they wouldn’t have believed somebody paid for you.”

“Rully?” Jack asked, a smile creeping across his face.

“Don’t let it go to your head, human,” Kaa’orri responded. “When we get back to the surface, I’m giving you a piece of MarsBread and sending you on your way. If you die in a nest this time, it’s on you.”

“Thath fair.” A thousand images raced through Jack’s head … he wondered what it would be like to fend for himself on the surface, or how he’d find the fuels to repower his ship and continue his voyage around the planet … or hell, how he’d find his way back to the Rhadamanthus at all. But mostly the images were about Kaa’orri, who’d just told him he was handsome. Because seriously.

“I’m thorry I methed up your delivery, Kaa’orri,” Jack whispered.

“Well,” she responded, “it’s what it is. They took the money for the damages out of my credits, which means I’ve only got enough gas to get about halfway home … I’ll have to walk the rest of the way, so thanks for that. If I die in a nest too, I guess there’d be a poetry to it.”

Jack barely understood anything she said, both because of her Martian accent, and because I can’t imagine Jack Swagger being very good at conversation. He nodded, to let her know he was listening, because he was.

“Of course, you’re never allowed in the core again. Per order of the magistrate. But, you know, they don’t really have identification or anything, so I expect any six-six caucasoid who stumbles his way down the shaft will spend his vacation at the door.”

Kaa’orri laughed. It was beautiful to Jack. And she said he was handsome once!

“I gueth I won’t do that again.”

“No, no you won’t.”

Silence.

Neither said another word until the elevator reached the top of the shaft, and the great gate once again opened up to reveal the endless starfield, and the dusty earth of the lonely planet swirling up to meet it. Kaa’orri reached into her satchel and removed a folded, red leaf. Inside was a small loaf of pink bread.

“This should last you until you get back to your ship … or at least back to where I found you.”

“Wull … wull …” Jack was getting an idea, so he grapevined it to keep it from getting away. “MY ship ith probably closer than your home … why don’t we ride your bike back there, and then I’ll use MY bike to get you home.” Jack smiled. It was a pretty good idea.

“You have a bike?” Kaa’orri asked.

“No, even better. I’ve got a THORING EAGLE.”

Kaa’orri didn’t know what a “thoring eagle” was, but he owed her for saving his hide, and she knew the walk with a speeder bike in tow would leave her dead in hours. Reluctantly, she took back the MarsBread and stuffed it into her satchel.

“All right,” she confirmed. “But that’s it. When I get home, we go our separate ways.”

“Fine by me,” Jack affirmed, climbing onto the back of Kaa’orri’s speeder before she was even done packing up.

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Best: A True PPV Match On Raw

The Punk/Ryback TLC match wasn’t the bait-and-switch or the “storyline” match I thought it’d be — I thought they’d have The Shield jump Ryback right at the beginning and turn it into a big dumb there where Punk could be an “opportunist” and steal the victory without working — but it wasn’t. It was the very definition of a great Raw match … must-see in its action, characters and storyline progression.

It was fun. It featured a lot of unexpected violence, like Ryback Rybacking his ass through a table propped up against the guardrail, that dangerous-looking powerbomb through a table onto steel steps thing and the EXTREMELY DANGEROUS-LOOKING press slam onto the middle of a set-up ladder. I don’t know why that one got to me so much, but it did. I can’t open or close a three-ring binder without catching my finger in it, all I could imagine was metal bending in the wrong place and slicing up Punk’s abdomen like it was Joey Mercury’s face.

If they want to win back viewers and don’t give a shit about sacrificing their pay-per-view dollars for ratings pops, this is what they should be doing. Put less emphasis on rehashed main-eventer “blockbuster” tag matches we see without hyperbole at least twice a month, and worry more about giving us things we don’t see all the time, like a TLC Championship match, or hell, just guys going all out. It’s the difference between Brodus Clay debuting as a dancing dinosaur and STAYING a dancing dinosaur.

The only problems I had with the match were that it happened way too early in the show to make room for The Rock making Bozo The Clown Grand Prize Game prize jokes, and:

Worst: It’s Time To Move Forward With the Shield/Brad Maddox Stuff

I get that the storyline got stuck in a holding pattern when Punk got injured before TLC, but it’s time to decide what we’re doing with Brad Mad-Ox and The Shield and run with it. Shit, or get off the pot. Maddox has been hanging out backstage asking people for jobs for what, almost three months? The Shield is still showing up to shows to beat people up for reasons, but I guess they don’t care about wrestling, which is how I assume wrestlers get paid?

If you’re going to make a stable, make it now. Use it as fodder for The Rock. I’d rather see him give Maddox a Rock Bottom out of nowhere and make HIM look like an also-ran instead of Punk. If you’re going to make them independent characters, do that. Give Maddox a kayfabe NXT contract or whatever and send him down to fight Sterling James Keenan, put him in a flak jacket and have him be the Dangerous Danny Davis of The Shield, whatever. Add The Shield to your roster as wrestlers and let them perform, because they had some momentum going after that great match at TLC, and people would probably like to see it. Just do SOMETHING that isn’t CM PUNK WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BRAD MADDOX AND THE SHIELD every f**king week, because it’s not accomplishing anything and nobody gives a shit about the mystery. They either are something or they aren’t. Jerry Lawler going WULL I GUESS THIS MEANS doesn’t mean anything.

It’s like the karmic balance for the Daniel Bryan/Sheamus World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania. I feel as happy watching this as I felt sad watching that. I love it. Here’s to hoping we get to see an Air Boom reunion on an EVOLVE card somewhere during WrestleCon.

Oh man, I hope FanDAVEgo is the start of a six-person stable. The Kerkoviches would be amazing wrestlers (and there’d be enough puns off of their names to keep Cena busy for years). If there was anyone (other than USA Guy) capable of defeating Cesaro, Jane would be my pick.

The promo was great, but I understand where troi is coming from. It was really long and one could fairly say he rambled a bit. Still amazing though, hooked me the entire time, and the slightly rambling nature fit well I think. He sounded like a great super villain, brilliant and a little unhinged.

Besides both looking like something Liefield would draw, Cena does kind of remind me of Cable. They are both over the top passionate good guys for noble pursuits like Make-A-Wish kids or stopping Apocalypse but has no concern for basic good guy logic like not killing people with huge guns or being a d-bag on television.

This paragraph is probably one of my top-five all-time favourite B&W paragraphs:

“This guy can reach such heights with his character, and I love it. He can say what’s true to me and not mean it, and the fact that he doesn’t mean it makes me feel a thousand times better than if he was on Raw truly berating management for not giving Kidd a spot. The cruelty of the knife-turn, you know? That’s pro wrestling. A big, theatrical, orchestral insult to everybody watching. A f**k you for your dollar. In the same vein as a Walter White or a Don Draper, he’s a reprehensible guy who is so compelling that I can subconsciously root for his successes, mostly because they’ll make his downfall that much more special. A beautiful creep, the devil of the human brain.”

I’m sorry, but a short-arm clothesline or forearm isn’t impressive, no matter how Japanese the guy delivering it might be.

…Seriously though, doesn’t the move’s awesomeness depend somewhat on how well the opponent sells it? If Ziggler or somebody sells it like death, it looks good. If a Cena-type just falls down, it looks like shit.

Not surprised that you have the stupidest possible opinion on Okada. Wrestling fans can like particular Japanese pro wrestlers because they watched the shows and developed opinions, not just because they’ve checked “like it” or “don’t like it” on some bullshit stranger’s survey.

And I’m not surprised you overreacted to my snarky comment and took it personally, or something. Calm down. I’m saying, it’s a short-arm clothesline. I watched the video, and yes, it looks awesome. So did Bradshaw’s Clothesline From Hell. A good clothesline looks like that. A bad one (I’m thinking Jake Roberts’ setup for the DDT) looks unimpressive. No big deal.

OK, so to clarify… what I *actually* think is pretty much the opposite of how it apparently came across. I understand that pretty much every awesome move I’ve ever seen on American television was probably stolen from Japan. And then there’s several hundred I’ve never seen, b/c no one in America has the guts to try them.
So I’m not saying “You’re a snob because you like Japan,” or whatever you thought I was saying. What I meant was more like this: “A short-arm clothesline, no matter who’s doing it, is not a good finisher. Even if it’s delivered by a Japanese wrestler, who I understand is better at this than most Americans.”

For the record, I’m on your side Pencil-Necked Geek, Brandon gets hella defensive in the comments. He’s passionate, I get it, but you’re explaining yourself clearly and Brandon is ranting about how long he’s been a puroresu fan. No one’s calling you out, Brandon. The man explained himself, gosh.

Looking at it now, I can understand how my comment came across as racist or dismissive of Japanese wrestling. I didn’t word it very clearly. Brandon has his own opinions of me anyway, based on a bad first impression, so I’m not surprised this went the way it did. It is what it is.

I would like you a lot more if whenever you post didn’t result in everyone talking about the quality of your postings and brain thoughts that you click clack out to us.

Brandon definitely cares about what people think too much, but you don’t care enough. If multiple people think you come off poorly maybe you should try to think about why that is and what you can do to grow as a person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m needlessly contrarian and enjoy disagreeing with people too much but at least own up to it when you say some trifling stuff.

Is it multiple people? I mean, I feel like the standing negativity between you/Brandon and me started when I disagreed (in a non-constructive way, probably) to the crap being piled on Punk circa June or so. Other than that, I’ve got the people in this thread today telling me I suck– people (I’m sorry) whose screen names I don’t recall seeing before.

I mean, if I’m the guy who *everybody* dreads hearing from, I’ll stop posting. I don’t want to be that guy. I thought it was just a couple of you with whom I got off on the wrong foot.

I’m not sure if these are genuine comments or if this is Trolls doing their thing. If its Trolls then I am invoking Rule 14 of the Internet: Do not argue with trolls – it means they win.

If these are genuine comments, this is only an online summery of some guy’s reactions to fake fighting choreography with an underlining soap opera geared towards the male demographic. Its nothing to start a flame war over!

God damn it you’re right about the Rock. He’s absolutely infuriating. He even got off to a decent start, sounded like he was going to actually focus on what Punk said, and as soon as he said the words “ice cream” I started preparing for what followed.

I’ve been thinking about this for way too long today, and here’s my problem with him: The Rock is only good when he thinks he’s better than EVERYBODY. The whole “Millions and millions” bit started as a goddamn joke, when everybody booed the shit out of him. HE was delusional about how he was better than everyone. Eventually people came around to him but he was the same guy for the most part. Now he’s as close to cornball-ass Rocky Maivia than he is the guy singing about Stone Cold in Toronto.

Don’t pander to the crowds, because they’re mostly so dumb that they’ll only understand dumb stuff. Don’t tell Punk what they’re gonna chant, because they’ll do it no matter how dumb. Say something meaningful. “Your arms are just to short to box with God” is better than anything The Rock has said since 2003, if not ever, and it’s more meaningful that any stupid thing he’s ever made trend.

Brandon, you should try telling Destiny that she’s gold as a partner, I don’t think there’s a higher ranking compliment.
Also, Miz was actually on commentary for Cesaro vs. Khali on Main Event, so he should be mentioning it more than anyone.

I had to stop watching the Rhodes Scholars bit to go back and restart it, because I realised that I went from my laptop being in my lap, to in my arms in an awkward hug. I am a million times more delighted by this than anything that happened on Raw.

It’ll be better because Punk will have someone to talk to and the feud will be over in less than 3 weeks. Cena had to talk to himself and put a feud over by himself. And when the Rock did show up, he was out of shape and homophobic

I think Punk vs Rock or even Punk vs Cena is better than Cena vs Rock because Punk wants his part of the show to be the best and tries to make that happen. Both Rocky and Jern think their part of the show is already the best just because they are in it.

Cena/Rock sucked because the motivations and writing for the characters were completely incoherent. Contextually, they wrote a story where Cena was the protagonist but was forced into the heel role because the other guy was going to be cheered no matter what he did.

Punk > Cena so Punk vs Rock > Cena vs Rock. Assuming the function X -> X vs Rock is continuous and increasing, which is quite an assumption.
And he has to be in a better physical condition than last time, right?

It depends on which Rock shows up. If last night’s Rock keeps showing up, it will be worse because it has the potential to be so much better. Its like the Lincoln-Douglas Debates, but Lincoln decided to show up drunk.

Good to see people coming around on my favorite divas’ (Eve and Kaitlyn) skills. Maybe I have low standards or people have high standards, but I never believed they were bad. Though I will admit they are better now than they were before.

When Eve got beat a cpl weeks ago and Kaitlynn stole her camera-pose thing, it was the first time I can remember being angry at the booking of a Diva in a long time. And I don’t mean I’ve liked the booking of the Divas, I mean that Eve, in the last month and a ahlf, has turned me into a fan to the point that I found myself yelling “fuck you bookers” at the TV in the same way I’d bitch about a Sandow squash or Cena kicking out of ten finishers and beating my boy Ziggles. Her cunty beauty queen schtick has captivated me like no Diva I can recall. That hangman chokehold in the corner is fawesome, and I don’t know why more wrestlers don’t do that spot to look like a badass. Keep it up Eve, you are the tits.

What Brandon said about Kaitlynn is spot on. Her moves (or movez) look like they actually have power behind them and make the match look believable. It’s a nice change of pace from the usual diva fare.

I guess part of it is that when I watch someone wrestle, good or bad, I also take their potential into account, so in my eyes it probably makes them better than they objectively are. I believe Kaitlyn and Eve have tons of potential to be great at WWE-style women’s wrestling (being Sara Del Rey levels of great is another story).

And at the risk of alienating myself, I believe the same of Alicia Fox. Come at me!

Eve has never been WWE Diva-bad in the ring. She was immediately better than the Toris Wilson, Kellys Kelly, & Marias (her tag team partner in that match iirc) of the WWE Universe from her very first TV match. I always considered her to be on par with the Layla/McCool/Melina/AJ/Jillian/etc second tier of serviceable talents of their respective eras. Eve was clearly, CLEARLY better than the Bellas and such during what was her worst stretch of in-ring work.

First and foremost let me say that I got into this Best And Worst column about a year ago and I enjoyed every single moment of it. So keep up the good work. I just wanted some clarification about your rant about The Rock. When you say laziness are you talking about him when it comes to the WWE or in general? I may be a little bias with my views because my favorite wrestler was/is The Rock especially Hollywood Rock (but that’s more me growing up looking at him as a role model). Just wanted to understand more before I get drunk and scream out that nobody understands him like I do lol

Laziness in WWE. His shtick is the same as it always was, but it seems like he used to put effort into making it actually funny. But that makes sense, back then wrestling was his job. Now his job is selling movie tickets, and wrestling is something he does to facilitate that. And since going through the motions is all he has to do to get a crowd to pop, that’s all he does.

But my question to that is how would you know if someone going through the motions? Say if Stone Cold came back and did his whole “what”, “Austin 3:16” etc routine would he be considered lazy and going through the motions or just following what made him unique and who he is

It would still be lazy if that was *all* he did. Sure, you want a guy to do his “greatest hits,” I guess; but show us that you’ve got some new ideas. More to the point– show us you care enough to come up with new ideas.

I’ll admit I did groan a little bit when he said cookie puss. I blame the internet for that reaction though. I guess I’m looking at this from the point of view that he doesn’t have to do this because he has a more lucrative career in something else but does it because it is in his blood if that’s safe to say that. But hey call me a Rock mark if you want. I won’t fight it lol

The problem with The Rock is that he doesn’t seem to have given any attention to what happened in WWE between WM and yesterday. He could have written this promo the day after WM, nothing would have been lost. CM Punk could be Champ for 3 years, the jokes would be the same.

I’m not sure Rock makes his main opponents look bad, necessarily. He can call Cena or Punk names all day, really. They’re both “top guys” and not even Rock’s crap will stick. The fans tuning in just for the Rock will tune out either way, even if it ends with CM Punk uppercutting Rocky into a bed of spikes at the behest of Shao Khan. All “Fruity Pebbles” did is get Cena a merchandise deal.

It’s the collateral damage, to people like R-Truth, Miz and others that’s the problem. It’s the Triple H syndrome, where the very top guys get their begrudging credit but everyone else combined is little more than a minor speed bump. The spotlight on the Rock shows the glare of the glass ceiling. Is he part of the problem? I guess, in the sense that if he demanded to lose to Trent Barreta, he’d likely get his way but I doubt that’s what people are worried about anyway.

That and as someone who chooses to present himself as a jingoistic, anti-intellectual, homophobic, childish idiot he doesn’t exactly make me predisposed to enjoying him regardless of anything else.

You could see it that way or you could see it as the other wrestlers gaining exposure due to the increase of viewers. I don’t really agree with the Triple H syndrome though because you could say that to every part timer who came back to wrestle. What did Brock do for the other stars or The Undertaker? Did anyone really rant about that? No one really said Brock came back for a paycheck, he lazy, doesn’t have any passion and all that jazz. They all were like ya he is an ass kicker and he is legit. But to each his own.

That’s all a lot of people say about Brock Lesnar and to a lesser extent the Undertaker. At least Brock doesn’t pretend he really cares one iota about wrestling and, to be honest, I haven’t really seen him take the piss out of midcarders.

The Undertaker got huge flak for YEARS, almost to Triple H “reign of terror” levels. Now he’s down to one match per calendar year which takes him all year to recover from, more or less. He’s pretty limited in what he can contribute on camera because of that.

Lesnar and Taker don’t put over new talent but they don’t cut their legs out from under them either (for the most part).

The Rock’s shit makes me want to give up on WWE and climb into a New Japan hole. With last week’s literal shit and Miz’s cringeworthy “if you don’t love the USA then LEAVE IT” promo on Main Event, I’m pretty checked out. Right now I’m just fastforwarding every time a babyface opens his mouth.

I marked out so hard when Jack Swagger’s music hit at a house show this weekend. This kid in front of me was like “whats the big deal?” and I was like “Dude, he’s Jack Swagger of Mars.” and the kid was like “I LIKE RYBACK!” so we didn’t hang out or anything.

Antonio Cesaro should be the guy who beats Punk for the title. The man is incredible and tremendously charismatic. He should be everyone’s hero. He’s intelligent, strong and a good wrestler. What more could you possibly want?

Eve is still doing excellent work. You’re spot on about the Divas division needing more wrestler face time. Eve needs to crush a lesser diva.

Okay, I might be reading too much into this, but I think there’s more content actually directed at Punk’s promo in what Rock said than Brandon thinks. My distillation would be:

Punk: “When I was yelling about ice cream bars, I was BSing and manipulating the fans, because all they cheer for is characters, and they didn’t give a shit that I was the best in the world for years before that. Once I captured the belt and had nothing left to prove, I shed the character.”
Rock: “That’s a bullshit retcon. You meant what you said with the ice cream bars but _you couldn’t deliver them._ You wanted change, and instead you got more Kevin Nash. Now you’re trying to weasel your way out of your failure by claiming you never meant it in the first place.”

Now, Rock’s jokes are terrible, and God forbid he should use that time to spell out the actual story a little better, but that’s what I thought they were going for.

Right, he clearly loses the core of it in favor of baby talk, and frankly I almost shut it off when he walked out. But he does clearly say right near the top of it, “You talked about change, and you couldn’t do it. You talked about revolution, and you couldn’t do it. You promised everyone ice cream bars, and you couldn’t even do that!” I think that’s an interesting and coherent response to Punk’s promo, but it’s not incompatible with Rock losing the thread among his cringe-worthy punchlines.

I hate to say it, but we all could have written a better promo for the Rock but that’s because WE’RE WATCHING THE SHOW AND HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN IT. The Rock wants to be in the ring, I’m sure of it, he just doesn’t want to put in the effort.

I’m giving myself a mini-best because Cole didn’t even attempt the Latin for Elbow of Disdain (with a d) this week. It’d’ve been a full sized best if he’d used one of the 3 options I posted here in the comments. Also, I have long been conflicted by the Rock because he looks exactly like my first love. Well, between facebook and that horrid promo last night I can now say I am 100% over both their 40 year old manchild asses.
Great work as always, Brandon. Kofi’s “paragraph” with straight perfection. Also, I still love the Nexus, too.

I sat here trying so hard last night to express properly why the Rock frustrates me to no end. Then Brandon completely nails it. It’s that he has it so easy. It’s that people give him a free pass on him not trying at all and it drives me up the wall because…well that’s life isn’t it? Sometimes you feel like you’re busting your hump, and people around you who others dig just a little more seem to have it way, way easier. Rock’s become everything I hate. Never thought I’d say that.

I didn’t like the cookie puss comment simply because it shows too much East Coast bias. If not for memorizing Patton Oswalt’s stand up routine I would have had no idea what he’s talking about. Jr Wrestling Bros for life!

I like to imagine BEEF MODE is akin to the Avatar State in Avatar: The Last Airbender. It’s when Maddox’s eyes and tattoos glow bright bluish white and he becomes all powerful, bending fire, air, water and earth to his every whim.

The annoying thing about the Rock to me is that he has -SUCH- an easy lane to attack Punk in verbally, and he even alludes to it with the ice cream bars thing. Punk was supposed to start a revolution or whatever, and where did it get him? Jobbing to Triple H on PPV and playing second fiddle to Cena’s dumb ass storylines. Now he says all that was intentional? Bullshit. He sold out and still failed to start some revolution, cause now he’s gonna lose to the Rock at the Rumble and play second fiddle at WrestleMania.

Punk was money last night. The way Rock managed to screw it up was painful. I don’t mind him doing his usual routine of boot up your candy ass, you got no balls, PEOPLE stuff. It’s him, it is who he as always been. But it only works when he uses it to add emphasis when he is saying some really important stuff. Cookiepuss is not important. It’s horrible.

Had he been all “You run around here with a shit attitude like a rootie poo candy ass, and that is the reason nothing gets done in your favor. You got less hair on your scrotum than you have reasons you should be the top dog. You aren’t here for the people? You don’t have a job without the people. I show up for the MILLIONS… AND MILLIONS because they are the only reason I get to step through these ropes. So you better face facts, before I take this boot, turn it sideways, and shove it up your candy ass at the Rumble. Because in 20 days, TIMES UP!”

Lame promo. But better than The Rock’s and I fit all his catch phrases into without calling Punk gay, or attempting to trend on twitter.

Suck a dick, Rock. At least pretend like you care enough to try, or GTFO.

Okay so some of you saw last night, and some didn’t. I’m doing a bit of a fun Royal Rumble pool, pick the 30 wrestlers in order and the 5 final people left in order. Winner will probably get something, don’t know what yet. The entry form is at the link if this pops up.