Plus: Queenie strikes a deal with Marie LaVeau

We learn via flashback that Kyle once scoffed at his friends’ Japanese character and shamrock tattoos – ironic, considering he has both pieces of ink now. You know, since Kyle is made out of body parts taken from his dead bros? Dead-set on ending Kyle’s misery, Zoe brings in Madison’s pearl-handled pistol to kill him. . . only to wrench it out of Kyle’s hands when he tries to shoot himself? Figure out your angle, girl! Instead, Zoe chains Kyle up in her room and tries to re-teach him the most important words in the human language: food, hamburger and bed. She doesn’t have much success.

Stevie Nicks Will Play Herself on American Horror Story

Unfortunately for Zoe’s Miracle Worker-style crush, Madison is back in action and looking to bone. Following her return to the land of the living, she’s been completely numb. As we find out – via fabulous voice-over monologue – drugs won’t affect her, fire won’t hurt her and not even food can fill her. Luckily, sex with a fellow un-deadite still works! Not so lucky for Zoe of course, who walks in on her mentally-disabled zombie crush porking her undead classmate. Rather than beat them, Zoe decides to join them. I guess we’re supposed to assume (from his outstretched hand) that Kyle, while still unable to talk, is down for three-ways? I guess most of us would be, right?

Gabourey Sidibe’s American Horror Story Panic Attack

We’ll have to wait until next week to find out if Zoe’s venomous vag has a homicidal effect on the reanimated; what we do know is that she’s made a lot of progress on the “turning into a total monster” front. After touching Madison and learning the truth about her murder, Cordelia attempts to warn Zoe and recruit her to help murder Fiona. Rather than just believe Cordelia’s plausible story, Zoe goes through the trouble of reanimating Spalding’s enchanted tongue and making him corroborate Cordelia’s tale. His tongue, unable to lie due to enchantment, sells out Fiona, so Zoe. . . stabs him to death? There are worse ways to go then tied to a bed in a chartreuse kimono. While the season started with Zoe as our ostensibly virtuous protagonist, she has quickly turned into a sex and murder monster like virtually everyone else. If she really is the next Supreme, she’ll basically be a a Fiona repeat. #TeamNan!

Taissa Farmiga Has Special Powers on American Horror Story

Speaking of the Most Boss Bitch other than Nan, Fiona spends the entire episode enjoying a sax-ual encounter with The Axe Man. After their tryst, The Axe Man reveals that he has been watching over her since she was a child at Miss Robichaux’s. We found their tete-a-tete creepy-hot, despite the numerous jazz riffs that kept ripping like cool farts through each and every one of their erotic conversations. While Fiona is momentarily disgusted by what she considers a “mercy lay” (Oh! And Fiona says she doesn’t believe in ghosts. Lol!), she eventually shows up at The Axe Man’s show to continue their love-making. Is it wrong to think that it’s romantic that both of them are so horrible, yet accept each other’s horribleness? What’s a few dead apartment owners in a few disgusting bathtubs between lovers, right?

Sarah Paulson: American Horror Story Is Too Scary for Me

At the end of the day, however, the most interesting relationship on the show has seemingly come to an end. Despite her racism and the fact she’s an immortal indentured servant (Madame LaLaurie can technically leave whenever she wants, right? It’s weird how this isn’t discussed), LaLaurie’s relationship with Queenie has become something compelling. Their late-night food run was by far the most genuine intra-witch interaction we’ve seen so far. Seeing as how her only friend is a centuries-old slave owner and there are no classes at anymore, it was only a matter of time before Queenie grew curious enough to meet Marie Laveau. Really, Angela Bassett’s evil smile and immaculate red jumpsuit would convince any woman to join her. Laveau paints a beautiful picture of acceptance and love within the voodoo clan, which Queenie can have just as soon as she delivers LaLaurie. “A voodoo doll belongs in the house of voodoo,” Laveau coos.

Kathy Bates Brings Hell to American Horror Story

So Queenie just brings her over! Queenie hemmed and hawed a little about the decision, asking LaLaurie, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” In case Queenie wasn’t sure before, LaLaurie’s story about murdering her cook’s infant son (fathered by LaLaurie’s husband) to use his blood in her beauty regimen sealed the deal. “It wasn’t only a different time. It was a different world,” LaLaurie pleads with Queenie. It is a testament to Kathy Bates’ phenomenal acting skills that her statement holds any emotional or narrative water whatsoever, because come on. In the end, their comradery doesn’t stop Queenie from handing LaLaurie over to Laveau, who immediately imprisons her rival in a cage. The episode ends with Marie smearing her face with what we can only assume is LaLaurie’s blood. “Beautiful,” she whispers, which is exactly what though when LaLaurie’s dropped that blinged-out Ed Hardy sweatshirt. Just beautiful.