Inside Jennifer Aniston's Valiant Struggle to Make Her Dog Live Forever

Today in celebrity gossip: Jennifer Aniston will stop at nothing to keep her best friend alive, Lindsay Lohan might actually write a memoir now, and a very steamy sex tape featuring Johnny Carson is up for sale.

Anyone with a passing familiarity with remedial science knows that all dogs do indeed go to Heaven. This is an undisputed scientific fact. But a fringe theologian once declared that Heaven was a place on Earth, so if that's true then where exactly do dogs go when they die? Jennifer Aniston, for one, isn't taking any chances. According to the tireless sleuths at Radar (don't be surprised if True Detective Season 2 is about celebrity pet reporters), Aniston has decided to play God by feeding her dogs a special water designed to prolong their lives well past what nature ever intended. The miracle tonic in question is called Kangen Water, a "low alkaline anti-aging water that A-listers get delivered to their homes." But because Jennifer Aniston is nothing if not a selfless, beneficent woman-shaped aura, she forgoes her own youth-preserving Kangen Water supply so that her dogs may live longer instead. "She gives this boutique water, which runs about two dollars a bottle, to their dogs because she and [fiancé] Justin [Theroux] don’t want them to age as quickly as Jen’s dog Norman, who died a few years ago." Norman, a Welsh-corgi mix, spent nearly 15 years at Jennifer Aniston's side only to abandon her for a spectral realm. But Jennifer Aniston is wise to the Grim Reaper's tricks and will stand at nothing to protect her new dogs, her best and only friends, from Death's snatch-happy busyfingers. "Jen will do anything for her dogs." Anything. Like give them water, for example. You would too. [Radar]

Among the many hardships and injustices our modern day Joan of Arc, Lindsay Lohan, has faced in the past few years, this one might just make you weep with empathy: She's poised to sign a book deal with HarperCollins for only $1 Million. That's approximately $4 Million LESS than what she's asking for. Do you believe HarperCollins' nerve stiffing her like that? It's not only rude but shameful and Lindsay Lohan doesn't deserve to be treated that way, not after all she's been through. Anyway, the Lohan memoir will be based primarily on the journal she kept during one of her many rehab stints and may or may not be written in barely-legible crayon scribblings. Or Mr. Sketch scented markers. Or one of those four-colored ballpoint pens. Either way, no matter how Lindsay Lohan writes it, this memoir is sure to be a page-turner full of the kind of white-hot truth that could heat a fire. Also lies. [Page Six]

Last week Justin Bieberused the oldest trick in the sad ex-boyfriend book: He Instagrammed photos of Selena Gomez alongside a photo of himself looking forlorn, presumably in an attempt to win back her heart. Well, friends and family: It worked. This week the pair were spotted hanging out together in a Texas Starbucks! ("Grande" is pronounced differently in Texas Starbucks, just FYI.) This happened mere hours after Bieber stormed out of a Miami deposition (view his bored and surly testimony videos here, if you're into that kind of thing) and just before Gomez took the stage to perform at something called "the 2014 BorderFest concert at the Hidalgo State Farm Arena." Apparently, Bieber had a light schedule and ended up not only flying out to meet Gomez before her show, he accompanied her to her dance rehearsal and then watched her from the crowd that night. So there you have it. Two young people making impermanent, cyclical romantic decisions. Perhaps this time they'll stay together forever? Fingers-crossed! (If I had any left!) [Us Weekly, TMZ, E! Online]

We live in a sick society full of lurid imagery and an ever-escalating thirst for weirder, more extreme sexual content to satiate our internet-desensitized carnal needs and it looks like we've finally reached the limits of human depravity: A Johnny Carson sex tape! Get up from your seat and take a breather if that phrase alone caused you to be so aroused that you can hardly breathe. No celeb gossip is worth a blackout, guys. But yes, according to TMZ, we may now refer to the late Tonight Show legend as "a c*** show host." Apparently Carson "recorded a sex tape with his wife back in the 1970s" and now whoever possesses it has approached private collectors looking for a buyer. Click over to TMZ (sorry) if you want more lurid details about what's on the tape, but know that it involves a swimming pool, 25-minutes of too-hot-for-NBC action, and TMZ's headline of "CHECK OUT THIS MONO-LOG" should tip you off about the state of Carson's, uh, equipment. This has been a very good gossip story about a Johnny Carson sex tape, I hope you enjoyed it. [TMZ]

If you recall, the pop singer/screecher named Ke$ha went into rehab two months ago for one of those fame-friendly, not-drugs-or-alcohol-related reasons (exhaustion, eating disorders, anxiety, take your pick), and she has now emerged much improved if only for the fact that she now spells her name "Kesha". No dollar sign. While it's not yet clear whether Kesha immediately lost all of her immense street cred and party-grrl edginess without that symbol, it is safe to say that Kesha is already doing better in life. Congrats to Kesha! Also, please note that her twitter handle is now @KeshaRose rather than @Ke$haSuxx. You will have to ask her directly if she still suxx because I do not know. [E! Online]

Do you participate in Throwback Thursday festivities? Are you in the band Fun-period and do you date Lena Dunham? Then chances are you are Jack Antonoff and you recently 'grammed a photo of a "double date" you once went on with your lady and also the leader of the free world and his lady.

If you are Jack Antonoff, then please reconsider your use of filters, the orange hue seems excessive here. Thanks!