[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel, Ross and Monica are on the
couch, Phoebe is is the seat, and Joey is standing with a deck of cards]

Joey : (to Monica) Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks a card) Alright,
now memorize it. Show it to everybody. (shows it to Phoebe, then Ross and Rachel)
Got it? Alright, give it back to me. (Joey blatantly looks at it as he returns
it to the top of the deck, then he puts the deck to his forehead) Five of hearts.

Ross : Real magic does exist.

Rachel : Wow! Amazing!

Monica : Wow, Joey how do you do it?

Joey : I can’t tell you that, no.

(from the upstairs apartment, muted: regular, clomping sounds)

Ross : Uh, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling.

Rachel : Ha ha, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.

Monica : He took up the carpets and now you can hear everything.

Phoebe : Well, why don’t you go up there and ask him to just, like "step
lightly, please"?

Monica : I have, like five times, but they guy is so charming that I
go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.

Phoebe : Ewww, that is ...(angrily) silly. I’ll go up there, I’ll tell
him to keep it down.

Monica : Alright. Be my guest.

Rachel : Good luck.

Joey : Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright! If you really want
to know how I did it, I’ll show you. When you handed me back the card, what
you didn’t see was, I looked at it so fast it was invisible to the naked eye!
(looks at the top card) I just did it. (looks again) I just did it again. Here,
I’ll slow it down so you guys can see it. Ready? (does a slo-mo sequence of
taking the card, looking at it, and making a face of recognition, places it
back on the deck)

All : Ohhh! Yeah! Okay.

(from the upstairs apartment, muted: knocking and a door opening, followed
by - in the muffled style of Charlie Brown’s teacher - Phoebe’s ranting, then
a man’s voice sounding complimentary, followed by Phoebe saying something that
sounds like "oh, thank you")

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Monica is on the couch, Rachel and
Ross are on the seat, Joey is sitting on the floor]

Mr. Kaplan, Jr : Ha ha ha. Now don’t think I haven’t noticed your potential.
Well, I’ve got a project for you that’s alot more related to fashion. How does
that sound?

Rachel : (excited) Oh, that sounds great!

Mr. Kaplan, Jr : Hey c’mon over here sweetheart ...

Rachel : Thank you so much, Mr. Kaplan.

Mr. Kaplan, Jr : C’mon, c’mon ...

Rachel : Thank you so much.

Mr. Kaplan, Jr : (leads her to a closet marked "STORAGE" and opens it
up to reveal a closet full of tangled hangers) I need these hangers separated,
A-S-A-P. (takes coffee from her hands) You’re welcome.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, where Monica is working at the bar where Rachel
is sitting, MARK is sitting a few seats down]

Rachel : Oh god, I hate my job. I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.

Monica : I know honey, I’m sorry.

Rachel : Oh, I want to quit. But then I think I should stick it out
... but then, I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job,
just because it’s remotely related to the field they’re interested in.

Monica : (in her outrageous uniform, turns and says, sarcastically)
Gee, I don’t know Rach. Order up! I got a Yentl soup, a James beans, and a Howdy,
hold the Dooty.

Rachel : Oh, well then. So I’m, um just gonna go back to talking to
my friend here. You can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.

Mark : Uh, just, uh one other thing.

Rachel : (clears throat, somewhat impatiently) Yes?

Mark : I uh, I work at Bloomingdale’s and I might know of a job possibility,
if you’re, if you’re interested.

Rachel : Do you want my pickle?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment in full party mode, Joey and Ross are
making drinks at the fussball table in the middle of the main room, Monica and
Phoebe are talking near the kitchen area]

Gunther : (mingling, to Monica and Phoebe) Hi guys.

Monica : Hey Gunther!

Phoebe : Hi.

Monica : I mean you’re going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?

Phoebe : Well, he’s very charming.

Monica : I know, he’s too charming, but if you two start going out then
it’s just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him!

Phoebe : Well, you’re just going to have to try.

Monica : Alright. Joey? Where are the Jell-O shots?

Joey : I dunno, Chandler’s supposed to be passing ’em ar... (Chandler
is attempting to feed a Jell-O shot to the porcelain dog) Chandler!

Chandler : (way gone) Hello-dllo!

Ross : Oh, somebody’s feeling better.

Monica : (clears her throat) Stick out your tongue!

Chandler : (with the same inflection and tone) Take off your shirt!
(he eventually sticks out his tongue, dark green with Jell-O shot remnants)

Monica : Oh my!

Joey : Oh my god! How many of these did you have? These are pure vodka!

Chandler : Yeah! Jell-O just like mom used to make.

Rachel : (enters, runs up and grabs Ross) The most unbelievable thing
happened to me today.

Ross : Hi.

Rachel : Hi. (Ross kisses her on the cheek, Rachel can barely contain
herself) So, I’m having lunch at Monica’s, and this guy starts talking to me,
and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale’s, and there happens to
be an opening in his department, so I gave him my phone number, and he’s gonna
call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!

Ross : Wow!

Rachel : I know!

Ross : Ha ha! What, so, this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?

Rachel : Uh-huh.

Ross : And he’s a, he’s a total stranger?

Rachel : Yeah! His name is, um, Mark ... something.

Ross : Huh, sounds like "Mark something" wants to have some sex.

Rachel : (shocked) What?

Ross : Oh, I’m, I’m just saying, I mean, why else would he, just, y’know,
swoop in out of nowhere for no reason?

Chandler : No nono no, no it’s a good thing! (fixating on the prominently
displayed breasts of one of the three sisters) Why must we dial so speedily
anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can’t we savor the precious moments,
those are some huge breasts you have.

Ross : (to Rachel) You see what men do? Don’t tell me men are nice.
(pointing to Chandler) *This* is men!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: same]

Monica : Are you insane? (gets up out of her seat) I mean, Joey’s gonna
kill you. He’s actually going to kill you dead.

Chandler : Okay, you don’t think I thought of that?

Phoebe : How can you not know which one? I mean, it’s unbelievable.

Monica : I mean, was it Gina?

Ross : Which one is Gina?

Rachel : The dark, big hair with the airplane earrings.

Monica : No, no, no that’s not Gina, that’s Dina.

Ross : Dina!

Rachel : Oh.

Chandler : You see? You can’t tell which is which either (defiantly)
Shnnaahh!

Phoebe : Yeah, but we didn’t fool around with any of them - y’hhaahh,
wlblaahh! (loosely imitating Chandler)

Chandler : Veronica, look, it’s gotta be Veronica, the girl in the red
skirt - I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat!

Monica : That was me.

Chandler : (to Monica) Oh, look when I’ve been drinking sometimes I
tend to get a little overly friendly, and I’m, I’m sorry.

(in rapid succession:)

Monica : That’s okay.

Phoebe : That’s okay.

Rachel : That’s alright.

Ross : That’s okay.

Joey : (enters angrily, points at Chandler from near the door) Can I
talk to you for a second?

Ross : Hey Joey!

Rachel : Hey! (Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica clear out of the main
room, leaving only Chandler)

Joey : C’mon!

Chandler : Why can’t we talk in here ... with witnesses?

Joey : I just got off the phone with my sister.

Ross : Uh, which, which one?

Joey : Mary Angela.

Ross : Mary Angela.

Joey : Yeah.

Monica : Now, which one is she again?

Joey : Why don’t you ask Chandler? ’Cause he’s the one who fooled around
with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her? Now was that true,
or are you just getting over Janice by (through gritted teeth) gropin’ my sister?

Chandler : (after pondering the two choices) It’s gotta be the first
one.

Joey : Really? That’s great! You ’n’ my sister, sittin’ in a tree ...

Chandler : Yup, I’m in a tree!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment, Monica is at the kitchen table as Rachel
bursts through the door]

Rachel : Did he call? Did Mark call?

Monica : No honey, I’m sorry. But the weekend’s not over yet.

Rachel : Ohhh.

(from the upstairs apartment, muted: Phoebe, laughing)

Rachel : Oh my god, is that Phoebe?

Monica : Guess they’re back from their date.

Rachel : Oh! (from the upstairs apartment, muted: music) Muuu-sic! Very
nice. (as the neighbor and Phoebe continue to speak, the sounds and tone of
the conversation turn decidedly X-rated)

Monica : Oh my god.

(the sounds continue to intensify)

Rachel : So, how are you?

Monica : I am good. I finished my book.

Rachel : Oh, yeah? What’s it about?

Monica : (hurriedly) I don’t remember. Do you wanna take a walk?

Rachel : Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment, Ross and Chandler are at the counter
and Ross has a piece of paper]

Ross : (reading) "Dear Mary Angela: hi, how’s it going? This is the hardest
letter I’ve ever had to write" ... what the hell’s the matter with you? How do
you think Joey’s gonna react when he finds out you blew off his sister with a
letter?

Chandler : Well, that’s the part where you tell him that I moved to
France ... (in a near whisper) when actually I’ll be in Cuba.

Ross : Alright, look, look, you’ve got to do this yourself, okay? In
person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for
Mary Angela, okay? When whichever one she is comes to the door, you take her
for a walk, you let her down easy.

Chandler : Okay. (suddenly manic) What if Mary Angela comes to the door
and I ask for Mary Angela?

Ross : Where in Cuba?

[Scene: the front door of Joey’s GRANDMA’s house, Chandler knocks on his head
three times, then on the door, Joey answers)

Joey : You are *so* the man! (Chandler comes in) Now, look: (hushing
to a near whisper) listen, listen, you gotta be cool, cuz my grandma doesn’t
know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the
sixth person to spit on Mussolini’s hanging body. Yeah.

Chandler : (looking around nervously) Where’s Mary Angela?

Joey : She’s right in there! (they turn the corner together into a dining
room where all seven sisters are dressed in red, all of them and Joey’s GRANDMA
are near a table of food - the sisters all greet Chandler with equal enthusiasm,
much to his dismay)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the little table, Monica and Rachel are sitting
on the couch]

Ross : No, I’m genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn’t work out. Look,
(he cRosses to behind the part of the couch where Rachel is sitting) Rach, I
want only good things for you. (he starts to smooch Rachel)

Monica : Wait a minute. Why don’t you just call Mark? (Ross looks up,
Rachel looks at Monica) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him?
You’ve got to (slapping her hands together for emphasis) make stuff happen!
(Rachel starts to get up)

Monica : Honey, it’s not pushy, it’s, he gave her his home number. (Rachel
fishes out MARK’s card)

Ross : Huh, wh-, he gave you his home number, as in, like, (snatches
the card from Rachel’s hand) to, to his home? (Rachel snatches it back)

Rachel : (gets up to call MARK) Yeah, and you don’t mind if I call,
because you only want good things for me.

Ross : That’s right, "good things", that, that is what I said (glares
at Monica).

Rachel : (on the phone, clears her throat) Hello, Mark? Hi, it’s Rachel
Greene. W- ... oh, no, don’t you apologize. I ... yeah, I’ll hold. (to Monica)
He left my number at work, he was gonna get it, but he was helping his niece
with her report on the pioneers.

Ross : (calling after her) Okay, you go get ’em. (as soon as the door
shuts, to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?

Monica : What?

Ross : (mocking) "Why don’t you call him" Well, thank you very much,
y’know, now he’s gonna prep her, y’know "prep her"? As in what you do before
you surgically remove the boyfriend? (pointing at himself)

Monica : Are you crazy?

Ross : Oh, am I? Am I? Am I out of my mind? Am I loooosing my senses?
This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.

Monica : Ross, y’know, this isn’t even about you. I mean, this is about
Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. (Ross moans) I mean, y’know,
even if you’re right, what if he wants to sleep with her. Does that mean he
gets to?

Ross : No, but ...

Monica : I mean, don’t you trust her?

Ross : Well, yeah, but ...

Monica : Then get over yourself - grow up!

Ross : (pouting like a hurt little kid) You grow up.

[Scene: Joey’s GRANDMA’s house, where Joey, Chandler, GRANDMA and the seven
sisters are eating some dish I couldn’t comprehend (let alone spell), Chandler
looks at the seven similar sisters and ponders the task before him]

Chandler : This Tara Missou is, is, is excellent! Did you make it, Mary
Angela? (looks up for a reaction)

Grandma : No, I did!

Chandler : Oh, it, it, it’s yummy. So, uh, Mary Angela, do you like
it? (looks up for a reaction)

Grandma : Of course, it’s her favorite.

Chandler : So, um, hmmm - Mary Angela, what’s your second favorite?

Grandma : More of Grandma’s Tara Missou!

Chandler : (to GRANDMA) Oh, would you *just* *please* (pauses when he
realizes all eyes are on him) gimme the recipe, cuz this is great! It’s top
notch!

Grandma : That dies with me.

Chandler : (to himself) So will I.

Mary Therese : (getting up from the table) Excuse yourself and go to
the bathroom.

Chandler : Oh, no no no, I was just squinting, that doesn’t mean anything.

Mary Therese : (in his ear) Just do it.

Chandler : Will you excuse me, I have to ummm. (he sees that nobody
is paying attention, and just leaves)

[Scene: adjoining room, Chandler walks through the room, looking cautiously
at every step, MARY THERESE emerges from behind the door through which Chandler
walked in, creeps up behind Chandler and grabs his bottom, and traps him in
a door frame]

Chandler : Heey!

Mary Therese : Finally! I thought we’d never be alone. Can I just tell
you something? I have not stopped thinking about you since the party.

Chandler : (as she kisses him) Mmm-mmm - look I may have jumped the
gun here (she goes to kiss again, he escapes under her arm) hmmm, uhhh ... (clears
throat) I just got out of a relationship and I’m not really in a, in a committment
kind of place.

Mary Therese : So? Me neither. God, Mary Angela was right - you do have
the softest lips.

Chandler : Haaahhhh ... you’re not Mary Angela?

Mary Therese : No, I’m Mary Therese!

Chandler : This is so bad! If, if you’re not Mary Angela, then uh, then
who is?

Mary Angela : (in the doorway) I am.

Chandler : Oh, it’s so bad!

Mary Angela : Joey! (runs out)

Chandler : No Joey, no Joey, no Joey! (Joey enters) Joey ...

Joey : What’s going on?

Chandler : (tags Joey) You’re it! Now run, and hide!

Mary Therese : It’s no big deal. Chandler was just kissing me ’cause
he thought I was Mary Angela.

Joey : What?? How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary
Angela?

Chandler : C-- I wasn’t sure which one Mary Angela was. (the sisters
all gasp) Look, I’m sorry, okay, I was really drunk and you guys all look really
similar.

Joey : Well, that is usually what I would do, but I just never thought
you’d be on the receivin’ end of it. How could you do this?

Chandler : Joey, if you want to punch me, go ’head, I deserve it. But
I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family.
You’re my best friend ... and I would never do anything like this ever again.

Cookie : So what. I say, punch him!

Other sisters : Yeah, yeah!

Joey : No, no I’m not gonna punch Chandler.

Cookie : I’ll do it.

Joey : No you won’t. Hey. Look he knows he did a terrible thing, and
I-I believe him, he’s sorry. But you got one more apology to make, alright?
You gotta apologize to Mary Angela.

Chandler : Okay, absolutely, you got it. (Chandler looks around and
realizes he still can’t figure out which one is MARY ANGELA. He looks to Joey
with a pleading look, but finds no sympathy)

Joey : Cookie, now you could punch him.

Chandler : Wha? (Chandler spins around only to get a face full of fist,
care of COOKIE)

[Scene: the Bloomingdale’s lobby, Ross waits for Rachel, who emerges from
the elevator]