Knowing When to Let Go

I’ve found that I am the person everyone goes to when they need someone to talk to. I’ve often asked myself why that is, why do they come to me and not other people? The answer to that is pretty simple when I really take a second to think about that – they come to me because I always make time for my friends. On the surface, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but when you have no one you can talk to yourself, this starts to become an issue. And then a relationship begins to feel one sided – meaning that the other person is coming to you because they know that you will always be there to help them, but when you need them, they are nowhere to be found.

As someone who places such a high value on friendships and relationships, it can be hard to admit to myself that I’m being used – because it’s so far from anything I would ever do to somebody else. But I found myself in a situation where someone I had met rather recently began to use me because I provided that perfect person to vent to. We would talk daily and for a while things were pretty great and I was happy because it appeared as though I had made a really great friend. But in retrospect if I look at how things were in the beginning and the way our conversations were, they were almost always one-sided, and when I became a little more invested and confessed how I felt, things began to go in a direction that I didn’t know how to handle.

You see, they acknowledged my feelings but essentially told me they were not going to be reciprocated, but they still wanted to be friends because they liked what we had then. That’s when I should have taken a step back and considered what it was I really getting out of the friendship. After that point, things would only bring me pain, because this person would intentionally discuss things they knew would hurt me to talk about. And they did this because they knew I wouldn’t say, “No, I don’t want to talk about this,” because I didn’t know how to say no to people I considered to be my friends, especially when they were coming to me for help and advice. So this went on for a while and it continued to eat away at me because here I was acting as an outlet and advisor for their problems when they never had any time for the problems that I was having. I let this go on for far too long because I didn’t understand that I could say no.

I was so caught up in the idea that things could get better. That our friendship would go back to what I thought it was in the beginning – an equal relationship. And most importantly, I didn’t understand that what I was feeling mattered – that I mattered. I was so caught up in the fact that this person told me I was important that I couldn’t acknowledge the fact that their actions did nothing to show that I was important. And that’s what I want to convey – that when you realize the entire relationship is on your shoulders – whether this be a friendship or a romantic relationship – if you are the only person who is dedicated to it, then it’s time to let go. You are too important and life is too short to waste it in on a possibility that a miracle change will occur. Because the unfortunate reality that we have to face is that people aren’t going to change unless they want to, and no matter how hard we wish for them to see that we matter – the chances are they won’t, and so all that’s left for us to do is to just let go.

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16 thoughts on “Knowing When to Let Go”

you lost me at the middle where you said that they werent listening to you. Did they just walk away? Or were they still there but you felt unheard and was this a misperception perhaps?

Also, you lost me when you said you didnt tell them that it was bothering you to discuss a specific topic. You really are responsible for letting your feelings known because others cant know unless you tell them…some ppl are kinda dense at reading everything about us all the time.

It doesnt sound like they were using you because nobody was forcing you to stick around. Perhaps you wish to be needed and there is nothing wrong with that. if our friends dont need us, then should they stick around just because we’re pretty or need social friends. those are very shallow relationships, in my view.

I hope I am not being too harsh on you but i wish for you to look a bit harder at these interactions with more objectivity.

And yes, by all means, walk away from those who are just around to suck the emotional energy out of you!

Well a lot if has to do with the initial interactions. The back and forth you know the mutual friendship. When I see that i start to invest myself a lot into the friendship because thats just how I am, but when it changes and becomes all about them and their problems and issues thats when it becomes a problem. Because I don’t know how to assert myself in that way with people its just something i’ve never done and I have a really hard time trying to force myself to do so.

So I stick around and hope that things will go back to the way things were. Im not sticking around because I need a social friends – I stick around because I do generally care about them but when it feels like they dont care about you it hurts.

yes, it makes sense to stay if you care about them, but if you genuinely believe that they dont care about you, then it is not a mutual sharing of charity and which will breed resentment on your part and how can you provide support then to those whom you harbor negative feelings about?

If they only speak about their issues, perhaps they dont see or hear that you too have issues you want their support for…is that possible?

But see thats where my issue lies in accepting that they dont hear, see, or care about my problems. When i’ve invested so much it just makes it that much harder to try and let go, and thats why I was trying to convey.

Well I have gotten better at it and the person who this was written about has made an effort. But since all of this has happened I have been making efforts to make sure that my feelings are known in my friendships.

good to read this. remember that some of us are not equally well at sharing our deepest feelings. trust is a big factor in most cases. not everyone can bare their soul as easily as others. And some never do learn to express it but they show it by deed, by conversing, by just being nearby.

And when people are ill or in psychic pain, forget it…they are incapable of delivering much!

Leeches. Strange I linked here after you had just liked my post on something so similar – or possibly the same? No one can change others. Each of us is responsible for our own changes. If your ‘friend’ cannot be the friend you seek and are to them then perhaps there is no real friendship there. If all they want is an ear to repeat the same old, same old without ever attempting anything different or listening to possible solutions, then I believe the time to say, ‘bye’ is past due. Sad but true.

oh beautiful, yes, thank you
it’s great to be able to listen
but a conversation takes two
and a friendship takes two that care to listen
a relationship takes two that care to listen and care enough to grow together
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