Here’s a great guest post from my friend and soon-to-be Monthly Interview Lauren Francis - I’m just posting it here exactly as she sent it (you’ll love her book, and she’s so much fun!)

How To Tell If He’s “The One”…From Date One!

by Lauren Francis

Wouldn’t it be great if your dates came with little warning stickers?

Well, you’re in luck, because they actually do. You just need to know how to spot little clues that say: “I’m unavailable,” “This is only a romp,” and “I’ll probably spill red wine on your brand new duvet.”

So, if you’re tired of your online dates deliberately mislabeling the merchandise, then those pesky three little words:

“Wants marriage: Definitely.”

…are often being taken at face value. In fact, they can often make you feel totally misled. So, before you fall under the spell of your dates gorgeous blue eyes, you’ll want to make sure that they really meant what you read! That’s why it’s so important to know how to do a little romantic fact checking, before the check comes on date one!

The following technique will save you days, weeks, and possibly years of wasted time and romantic disappointment. I call it the “Heartache Prevention Question.”

Step One: Get clear about your own romantic goals. (Do you want marriage and family, or are you just up for some fun? And own it!)

Step Two: When you meet your date for a drink, ask them the Heartache Prevention Question, “So Clark, do you still believe in The Dream?” (If he asks what The Dream is, it’s whatever your romantic goals are!)

Step Three: Smile!

Step Four: Pay close attention. Your date will start talking a blue streak, and you’ll want to listen carefully to their response. It’ll be like slipping them verbal truth serum, and they’ll easily give up highly sensitive emotional intel.

At this point, the inexperienced dater will ask me anxiously, “Won’t this just scare them away?” You’ll soon discover that it’s quite the opposite. In truth, first dates are usually the only time that you can ask such a loaded question without it totally backfiring, because you can’t take this info personally…yet.

Now, for all of you women who’ve only been privy to this type of soul-bearing honesty from men during tearful breakups, I promise that you’ll be totally stunned.

Bungling this opportunity usually only occurs when you ask men “what they’re looking for,” or give them a laundry list about what you want. This is a mistake, and will just put them on the defensive, or into serious performance mode.

But when you ask them what they “believe,” and then cheerfully go on listening to them (Why not? It’s only your problem if you continue to date him!), he won’t feel pressured to modify his answers to fit your romantic agenda. And you will be rewarded with The Truth!

When you ask them the Heartache Prevention Question, men will share exactly what they believe about marriage, their financial stability, and if they ’re adamantly opposed to the state of matrimony itself! They’ll even divulge the status of prior relationships that might impact your courtship, angry exes, and often (stupidly) confess about their current roster of out-of-town lovers as well. I am so not kidding.

TIP: Listen very carefully about how they talk about their exes, and be on the lookout for any past “relationship theories.”

For example, they might tell you that “love doesn’t really exist,” or, that all of their relationships “end up the same way…in court!”

It’s what they believe to be true about relationships, and it isn’t going to change. This is way more effective than calling the psychic network, because you ’re getting a little preview about how he’ll probably be talking about you, right after you break up.

Most people simply repeat their mating patterns over and over again with somebody new, and that could mean you! Bad habits are hard to break, and often steer romantic relationships in the same direction…(south.) This will be hard to reprogram without divine intervention— or intense therapy! Or a hard smack on the noggin.

For example, he might lean in and say: “I’ d like to get married again someday. But right now, I’m just getting back out there.” (Code for: I’m just up for some fun! And if you want to get married anytime soon, you better RUN.)

Dating Like an International Spy

If you’ve followed my instructions, you might notice that your conversation has created a pleasant side effect. Your date will soon become surprisingly relaxed, and even ~gasp~ vulnerable.

Warning: Resist the urge to share your romantic war stories too, or the entire date will turn into one big therapy session. Instead, practice active listening, and just nod your head sympathetically, and say:

“Ahhhh”

“Hmmm…I get it.”

“Wow, you must be really strong to have survived that.”

“That must have been soooo difficult.”

“You seem so well adjusted. Gone to therapy for that?”

“Waiter, check please!”

But, if you discover his romantic status checks out, then you can happily bid him adieu…

Join Love Lauren Frances for the upcoming Man Magnet Makeover Weekend, and get all of the ‘romantic marketing tools’ you’ll need to attract your ideal mate online. You’ll get a whole new look that’ll make you sparkle, and online photo’s and written profiles that leap right off the page (and into men’s hearts!) This program will show you how to completely ace online dating, so if your single…you don’t have to be! Check it out: https://laurenfrances.infusionsoft.com/go/MMMsummer2012/SF2/

732 Comments to “How To Tell If He’s “The One”…From Date One!”

I loved her book. She compares men to birds. I thought Rori didn’t like her style because she talks about “manhandling” and I have an interview where I was left with the impression that Rori thinks it is disrespectful.

FW – From previous post. I think you are absolutely right. He thinks he has me now – no need to rouse himself to walk me out the door. We were supposed to take my youngest soin and one of his friends shooting on saturday, but JC backed out because it was supposed to rain, even though i expressed how important it was to me – my son is leaving next weekend to go to Boot Camp.

JC said we would figure out how to work it in later, but I doubt we will. He asked me if I wanted to get together later, but he didn’t make deffinate plans. he then called me a couple of hours later and asked if I “Still wanted to come over . . .” My radar went off . . . I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he had no idea…. sure . . . he wanted to get naked –

We agreed that he would call me when he was done helping his mom, but I texted him an hour later and told him I was feeling overwhelmed with getting my oldest son ready to get on a plane for a work trip the next morning adn having our last family meal with all 3 of my sons together. He responded with “ok” . . .

Whatever

I need to ramp up my degree of difficulty. I knew it was too soon to sleep with JC, but I did it for me – I did it to keep me from running back to GM every chance I get. I am not looking for marriage right now. I’m looking for a playmate and someone to help me stop chasing GM. Still – JC is going to have to step up his game. He asked me to lunch tomorrow – we will see how that goes – it better not be at his house – lol

@Heart – not necessarily. A lot of people decide that they want to stay with their partners without going through the process of “getting married.” Commitment can be totally separate from marriage. Marriage is one way to publicly announce a commitment. But it’s not the only way. And if you are committed to each other, some people don’t need that “public” element. They just go for it. And from what I’ve seen, those can be some of the most solid relationships out there….

Calypso it might be the sons that’s his issue. Your talking about them might have him unconsciously wondering if he wants to be anybody’s daddy. I like what you said about plaything though so if I were you he would have to come to my house. Going to him is making things too easy for him. Though with the boys I can appreciate why it might be more convenient.

Things have been going pretty well with trial-bf. he is reeeeally into the relationship thing. It’s good, but in a way, it almost makes me wish it was a little bit less. Lol. And even though you could say there are some “fem” qualities there, he is definitely a guy. He likes to give me things. He likes to plan. He likes to drive. He likes to fix. He’s a guy.

This past weekend, we were driving and stopped in a cute town for dinner. He did a u-turn right into a parking spot, and I said, “Nice turn!” He responded with: “I’m a maaaaan.” Lol. It made me laugh

Still not sure about everything, partly because I’m not sure about the way he kisses. Not sure where to go with this or what to say. I haven’t wanted to say anything yet, because it’s so soon, and any comment about the way a guy “is” can really get personal for them, where they feel that you don’t like “them.” Whereas I just don’t always like his kissing style. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

Oh, and he wished me a happy week-iversary. I thought that was cute, and I just laughed. He says he hopes he can wish me a happy one month, and more. and I am just keeping my eyes open to see how it goes….

I don’t know your reasons, so I couldn’t say if it is fear, or just a decision you made.

I struggled with this recently…I feared I did not want to get married out of fear. I thought I SHOULD want to get married, and I HAD to work through the fear to get there. However, when I finally realized there was nothing to fear I still didn’t have any desire to have a wedding or be married.

I did figure out that I COULD get married if it was important to the man I love. I just don’t need to…

Do some soul searching and be 100% honest with yourself. You will find your answers.

Part two is about Vman. Like I said, he’s been texting me like crazy since about 2 months ago. (almost 3 thousand texts since July!) And it got to be more and more, before and during a trip he just took out of town to go see a friend’s wedding. The texts have gotten very sexual at times, but I always back off when it gets to feel too much for me, and he respects that.

Last week, I was on my way to work, and feeling stressed about it. He sensed it and asked if there was anything he could do. I told him, and he came back with the most amazing comment to cheer me up. It really made me happy. In fact, it made the whole rest of my day better. It was awesome. :- ) and later I told him so, and he said he felt “honored.”

Well, I know that I said I wasn’t going to go on actual dates while “trial dating” this guy (who is very cute and sweet, by the way, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt him, or get in the way of a good relationship – if it is a good relationship. Plus, he’s teaching me his home language, which is fun : ). BUT, Vman said he wanted to see me. He asked when I was free, and we made plans to have dinner last night. He picked me up from work, and it all felt very natural and easy.

Later, he dropped me off at home, and came in and chatted for a bit. He just seemed to be enjoying talking to me, but he was really good about not making a move on me at all. I did tell him that I’ve been seeing this other guy, so he knows.

Well, early this morning, I woke up, and was thinking about how friendly it all felt. It seemed to me that there was less “chemistry” – less “spark.” Like it wasn’t really a “relationship” thing. Just a nice, dorky guy who likes talking to me. But then I went back to sleep and I had this very sexy dream about him.

whoa!

So I don’t know what that means.

My best assessment is that anything with Vman is just about sex. He had a chance to prove to me before that he was the guy for me. And he admitted to me last night that he got “scared” because of past experiences. But it really doesn’t matter the reason. He left me when I needed him the most to stay. And he didn’t. If he was an idiot and let me go, that’s not my problem.

This guy that I am “seeing” right now – trial-bf – he didn’t make that choice. He saw me in a bad mood, and he decided to stay with me anyway (after only knowing me for a few days!!) He’s paid attention to what I’ve told him about my needs, and he’s responded to them. He is really doing his best to take good care of me. And he is very clear that it is not about sex, and he is not pushing for that (even though he talks about it, and I know that he is interested. But that’s different from “pushing.”)

So, as a compare and contrast sort of thing, I can clearly see how there is still a lot of “chemistry” and attraction between me and Vman. But that doesn’t mean you can build a relationship on that. On the other hand, Vman has intimated about other levels of interest – maybe even beyond sex. But I think he’s a bit guarded about that, or something.

Anyway, we’ll see.

I am not married to anyone yet. As Rori says, we not “committed” until we get “the ring” (if the ring is what we want, obviously). Or, we’re not committed until we’re committed, and he gets to commit first.

It’s amazing how committed TBF is. And it feels very natural. It might prove to be too much. But we’ll see. I think it’s scary for me. But I am just letting myself go with what feels good. And try to keep believing in myself. He really does seem to support me. And I know I need someone like that. He might just prove to be the perfect guy for me, even though I still barely know him. But he is so eager to share himself with me that it’s amazing.

Okay, I am going to stop gushing about it all now.

I just wanted to share some of this with you all, and reassure you that I am not jumping into anything with both feet. I want to stay realistic, and know that there are many good guys out there, and many good options for me. And ultimately, the goal is to end up with whatever is best FOR ME. I believe that that is possible, and I believe that it will be the case.

Heart – GM is so freaking Hot it kills me . . . 6’6″, all lean muscle and now this tatoo on his back – I’m not usually into tatoos, but on him it looks sooooo good. He makes me whimper . . . lol

FW – my sons are all grown – 18, 20 and 22. I don’t need a daddy for them, but he offered to take us shooting and my 18 year old was thrilled – now it won’t happen because of a chance of rain that never even happened. There is only one weekend left before he goes away for 3 months of bootcamp.

JC has been to my house, but I’m not going to have sex with him there until we have been in a relationship for a long time. My sons won’t be shocked to have a man stay over, but I’m not going to rub it in their face or do it too soon. GM is the only one who ever stayed and even he always made it a point to leave before the boys got up.

I’m just going to lean back and when JC wants to do something fun or nice for me, I’ll be happy to participate – sex at his house can be part of it, but not everything. meanwhile, maybe GM will step up or maybe I will slowly start to heal without him. I am so darn proud of myself for not taking the texting between us too far – i wanted to ask him when i could run my hands down his back and feel that new tatoo . . . whew! I was good . . .

GM’s first text to me was to ask how many tatoos someone can have before they are considered tacky. I said it depended on the someone and asked how many he had now – he said “more than 2″

After he sent me the pics and I stopped drooling . . . I told him he looked more “Bada$$” than “Tacky” and he said, “Thanks” and I let it go at that. I was busy cooking dinner for the boys (last one as a family for 3 months), so it was easy to not keep going, but yesterday was torture – I wanted to see him so bad. Sunday evenings I sometimes drive to his town and we go have drinks at a bar where our friends hang out – i could have invited myself and teased him about wanting to touch the tatoo, but i didn’t. yet . . .

“TIP: Listen very carefully about how they talk about their exes, and be on the lookout for any past “relationship theories.”

For example, they might tell you that “love doesn’t really exist,” or, that all of their relationships “end up the same way…in court!”

It’s what they believe to be true about relationships, and it isn’t going to change. This is way more effective than calling the psychic network, because you ’re getting a little preview about how he’ll probably be talking about you, right after you break up.

Most people simply repeat their mating patterns over and over again with somebody new, and that could mean you! Bad habits are hard to break, and often steer romantic relationships in the same direction…(south.) This will be hard to reprogram without divine intervention— or intense therapy! Or a hard smack on the noggin.

For example, he might lean in and say: “I’ d like to get married again someday. But right now, I’m just getting back out there.” (Code for: I’m just up for some fun! And if you want to get married anytime soon, you better RUN.)”

Absolutely. I now always listen to how they describe their last girlfriend wife. This is where they are at!!!!!!!
And remember Rori telling me to get my energy away from any man that called his ex or any woman a Bitch.

“TIP: Listen very carefully about how they talk about their exes, and be on the lookout for any past “relationship theories.”

For example, they might tell you that “love doesn’t really exist,” or, that all of their relationships “end up the same way…in court!”

It’s what they believe to be true about relationships, and it isn’t going to change. This is way more effective than calling the psychic network, because you ’re getting a little preview about how he’ll probably be talking about you, right after you break up.

Most people simply repeat their mating patterns over and over again with somebody new, and that could mean you! Bad habits are hard to break, and often steer romantic relationships in the same direction…(south.) This will be hard to reprogram without divine intervention— or intense therapy! Or a hard smack on the noggin.

For example, he might lean in and say: “I’ d like to get married again someday. But right now, I’m just getting back out there.” (Code for: I’m just up for some fun! And if you want to get married anytime soon, you better RUN.)”

Absolutely. I now always listen to how they describe their last girlfriend wife. This is where they are at!!!!!!!
And remember Rori telling me to get my energy away from any man that called his ex or any woman a B888ch. RUNNNNNN Or any other judgmental or derogatory language.

I am making a new promise to myself and writing it down often helps me stick to it.

I feel a happy, eager, anxious buzz in my upper belly

I have fallen off track a bit with my photography practice. I have forgotten some of what I learned when I dove in deep a few months ago. I am promising myself to do a project that will last to the end of this year.

I am calling it “One a day”.

I will start a blog, and I will have one worthy shot to post every day. I will post 7 shots every sunday of differing techniques and I will write a little about how I achieved each exposure, and how I was feeling the day I took it.

I have 3 specific classes I want to take at Emily Carr. When those classes conclude I will begin to build my professional portfolio by doing free shoots. Once I have a substantial portfolio (aim- jan 2014) I will begin to build my website and start doing professional freelance location work. When I have made enough money doing location work (aim- jan 2016) I will open my studio. By then I hope to be fully immeresed in working solely as a photographer. I will continue working on location but I will also have my studio to do portraiture, and use as my office. Once I am established and have collected the right equipment I also have an idea where I can print, and even do post processing of photos for amateurs.

I am stoked to take action. I feel energetically excited and I will post a link once I have my blog up and running

I need to talk to my cuz about this because she makes these incredible books with pictures. She does it as a hobby using vacations as the subject matter but I know this has endless possibilities! Hers are like no other I have ever seen, and I know it could be a huge hit!

People can bring in their photos from vacation/childbirth/graduation…Whatever! I can process the photos to make them look professional, she can put the book together and together we could make a gorgeous keepsake for people. Hiring a pro photog not necessary

WarriorCD is going on a striiict diet, and he makes a lot of comments throughout the day via text/chat about how rough it is. What is the best way to be supportive of him (verbally) as a feminine creature?

Amateur photography is really big right now with cameras so available to everyone and many phones having decent cameras…seems to be less want for purchasing professional photography…and/or the prices are expected to be very inexpensive….

One a day photo blogs are fun and a great challenge to be photographing daily…Keeping the creative juices moving.

G called his ex “a bit of a d0uche” once. But it did not bother me at all. He had just finished explaining to me a traumatic event in their 5 year relationship. He explained it calmly, and fairly.

At a party at their house he lost track of her because he was DJing the party. So he went to look for her and found her outside coming out of the bushes doing up her pants. She said the bathroom was occupied so she was taking a pee and she kind of grabbed him and started to pull him to go back inside, but she wasn’t quick enough and a few seconds later out of the same bushes came a guy. A guy he knew she had sex with before they met. So when he asked “what the f@ck is going on?” she started to cry. He told her to stop crying and tell him (again) “What the f@ck is going on?”. She told him he was being abusive…I’m certain he was yelling…and refused to talk to him.

After he concluded the story he said with the wave of his hand “Ahh whatever. She was a bit of a d0uche.”

Considering the story he told it didn’t bother me that he said that. He has never said anything else along those lines when discussing her. They actually stayed together for a while after that, then broke up, then got back together, then he almost married her in order to keep her (she was going to leave if he didn’t propose) but he found he still hadn’t gained back the trust he needed so they broke up for good.

Thanks! For the encouragement I am going into this with a firm understanding of the ease of being an amateur photographer these days. I hope to work that into my business plan in different ways. Luckily pro photography is booming in my city. Having those creative and artistic shots are all the rage! It hits me as a bit of a competition…Everyone wants the best wedding photos and maternity/baby portraits. It’s to the point where people will shell out big money to the right photographer.

“aww, bummer. I understand how hard it is to control your food intake. you are a beast and so strong for doing that! I feel so proud of you for taking care of yourself. I feel really good being with someone so healthy. I feel inspired. I know you can do it. You’re doing great. I believe in you.”

Even if he caught me with my pants down in the bushes with another guy he would still, at the very least, consider marrying me to keep me around. lmao :p Considering i’ve never done anything like that, and he holds me in very high regard, he would agree to marry me today if not doing so meant losing me. i’d bet my life on it. That tool of rori’s is powerful. Don’t underestimate it!

GM’s ex wife cheated on him with their kids basketball coach, then tricked him into paying off their home with money he inherited when his parents died so she could get half the value of the house when she left him. She talks bad abouthim to their kids and spit in hs face in front of them . . .

He does not have anything nice to say about her – he calls he a wh0re :/ I do know this should have been a signal to me that he was not healed or ready for a relationship. Truth is, I did not need a signal – he told me fairly soon after we started dating that he was a mess and I should run . . . i just didn’t want to – still don’t.

Vancouver BC. Keep in mind I have not done any official research. Going by the fact that every single person I know has hired a pro at least once. Most of them have their wedding/maternity/baby all done by pros posted on FB. It’s like a fad. That’s why I say that. And when I was looking for my own pro for my wedding I was looking at paying minimum $1500 for the lesser packages. Add to that the numerous magazine/film/ad campaign shoots that happen here I figure I should be able to do just fine. Maybe at some point I could work on these shoots.

My gf is a make-up artist and she does, at the very least, 1 magazine/ ad shoot a week. Plus multiple weddings on weekends. She has never attended a wedding that did not have a pro on hand. She even posts comments on her business page “Looking for a last minute photographer” all the time. She is booked through the end of this year.

56: Memulo says:

Starbright, FW,

Thank you for your responses. Yes, the plan was to take me to dinner, he asked if I prefer to get something quick on the road or sit down for dinner and I said I’d like to sit down, then he said he needs to return the car, talk to the child ( and checked with me if he can do it from my pc, but mine is not equipped). So he said he will do all that and then come to pick me up or figure out the best way to get together.

I don’t know the right name of the tool, but I’m talking about the one where you want marriage so you opt to not commit, and date others to get him to either step up, or not.

I guess it’s just CDing?

I could say to him “I don’t want to shack up forever. I want to get married. What do you think?”

Suppose he says he’s not ready. I could then say “ok, but I feel stuck in a comitted relationship without the prospect of marriage, so I have decided to date others. I want to find someone with the same relationship goals as me.”

according to rori he will either step up and commit, or he will get lost in the shuffle of more available and marriage oriented men.

JC just texted “TOU” (Thinking of you) . . . I looked at my phone with narrowed eyes . . . like I was daring it to tell me anything nice about JC right now – lol.

Between him not getting his lazy butt out of bed to walk me out and that pic of GM’s muscular back leading to his tapered hips . . . oh Lord . . . I’m all twitchy and it isn’t because JC is Thinking of me ~

Memulo when that happened to a guy I dated he said he did not wake up till 2 a.m. Then he said he debated with himself about calling the next day but decided not to because he was so scared of the backlash. He decided not to text and not to call. He prefered to disappear. I called to see what happened and he told me this. My response “life happens”. I was invested in the relationship but decided to let him go. He keeps telling me he misses me.

Heart and others who do not want to get married. This is NOT necessarily a fear of intimacy. I didn’t want to get married, or rather I felt ambivalent about it, had done it unsuccessfully twice before. K was more against it than I. So that we did marry after ten years was a surprise to me. It was more about making things easier legally.

It was a simple, short, private ceremony which only was at all because it’s required by law in this state. We went and had a lovely dinner out after, just us two.

Hey Smile from previous thread,he has just sent me a one-liner ‘when are you expected to be here?’..which is now the third time he has asked me….
two weeks ago I said in a month.
I just wrote an email and – forest siren I saw your post after – just used ot to go on about me and how I was sitting in the garden with lovely green nature and herons and ducks flying by…but I also said that I was feeling anxious which is the truth.
I feel happy that I expressed myself, the rest is not up to me.
I feel at peace now.
aaah!

Speaks to you, touches you, kisses you, puts his arm around you – wherever you are – notice if you stiffen up or jump to reciprocate in a strong way.

Notice if you feel angry, if you lean your body away at that moment, or if all of a sudden your brain gets really noisy and the talk in your head gets loud.

Notice this so you can identify your boy energy – because boy energy, when you’re with your man, is covering up your girl energy. You have to SWITCH HATS, so now…

5. SWITCH HATS…

Loosen your body, one bit of you at a time – shoulders first – so your girl energy gets a chance to breathe and shine through.

Breathe into the parts of your body that feel stiff to you.

Now focus down into exactly what’s in front of you – what you’re touching, what you’re standing on, how his arm feels, what you smell and hear in the room.

In that moment, you’ll FEEL SOMETHING. So, in that moment, use a Feeling Message that simply says what’s in front of you, what you’re feeling about what you’re seeing and touching – it could be as simple as “It feels so exciting in here,” or, “I’m feeling so hungry…”

DON’T launch into a discussion about the “relationship,” or about “planning,” or the logistics of a date, or about anything right now. (There’s plenty of time for that, and you want to be more used to your girl energy and the words and body language that go with it first.) Then…

6. Something different will happen…

In the moment you use a genuine Feeling Message, so you FEEL more of your feelings and your body isn’t so rigid, HE WILL DO SOMETHING!

He’ll look at you.

He’ll hold you tighter.

He’ll reach for you in bed and stroke your face or your body.

He’ll SPEAK.

Something will happen, and you’ll feel a shift in HIS energy. It will happen because you will have gone into girl energy in that moment, and HE FELT IT, and it instantly made HIM shift into BOY energy.

In that moment, you will have changed the entire dynamic of your relationship. You will have allowed your girl energy to connect with his boy energy.

Well, im slowly mentally letting go of him. He texted me today n asked if i was ok. I said i felt down n still hurt. That i was working on me and if he really values me, he will do the work, cuz i dont have the time or energy right now. He got pissy n said if i dont dedicate to him, he wont dedicate to me. I was like, whoa. I said my role has changed, im not his gf n he has new one. As a friend i cant take care or him like a gf becuz thats not who i am. If he wants to talk, he has to talk to me, im not chasing him anymore, becuz all it does is hurt me. He got mad n sent, ttyl. ? I basically said if he wants me, hell work for me, not me him. Its on him now. Im angry today, but watever. I got shtuff to do….

I feel excited! But I may feel a little bit Rushed if it happens to quick. I’ll try describe my home using feeling messages. I hope she likes it so I can scoot on out of here and to a town full of men!!

Smile…he has sent a very lovely email. I feel much better, safer, with him now.
He wants to see me, he wants to do our favourite activity, boating, and he has kept his promise of not selling the boats till I get there.
He is still planning to move to Europe
But he has asked me to help with my opinion and he has told me that he will help me get to the US, whatever that means.
I have no expectations but I feel happy that he is looking forward to seeing me and is tentatively ‘booking’ me.
It can all turn to nothing so I am not getting excited – but I do feel happy that he is planning for when I get there.

Ok, so I have to stay realistic. It doesn’t matter if I had a super erotic dream about vman after seeing him. I still know it is only about sex. It is only chemistry. And you need chemistry in a relationship. But it’s not the only ingredient. Trial-bf is still the better bet, in my mind. He’s showing up all that be can, and really dedicating himself to creating a relationship – not just talking sex and wanting to get into bed right away. Though we do talk about sex, and how we feel about it.

I’m a little nervous that I won’t like sex with him. I *know* that I’d like sex with vman. That much is clear. I’ve been close enough to know how good it would feel. But again, you can’t base a relationship only on that….

I dreamt I could fly, and in my dream, it was this special ability that all my friends were super impressed by.

So I was showing everyone how to fly, and some of my friends tried it and were successful.

I felt really happy and important in the dream.

Then, as I was flying, I saw that one of my old flames was flying too. In real life, he just got married. The girl he married was the girl right after me.

(sidenote: this has happened to me with EVERY SINGLE guy I’ve been “almost” involved with since I was 18. I don’t know if it’s been because of my simultaneous amazingness/fear of intimacy or because of my Christian cultures tendency to marry early, but it had made me feel “almost good enough, just not good enough.” Which let me tell you, feels lousy.)

Anyway, I saw my old flame flying and it made me feel angry that he could do it too. I felt angry that he still wanted to be friends with me after just abandoning me and marrying another girl. (it doesn’t matter that this happened two years after we even lived in the same state.)

Anyway, so I go from feeling blissful to angry in my flying dream, and I see old flame, and I float over to him Matrix style and I just push him away as hard as I can.

Smile, he is an elastic band man, though not so much when I am there…he was pretty much in touch every day when I was in Florida last, but we also live a distance away. He likes me at his place, and once he gets me there it is quite difficult to get him to drive me home….as I don’t have a car it’s a bit of an issue

Ruth and Smile, I am totally excited that we are all into running….going for my 6 miles again tomorrow feels soo good.
Has been keeping me sane

Tam, does everyone have roller-skates in Florida or is this a myth? When you said you don’t have a car, I imagined you turning round to mrP after being at his and saying, it would feel good to skate home tonight.

It’s taken me five different times to try and start writing this post.. Just not sure how to start it, because that is how confused or I’m just not sure what to think or how to handle my situation. I have Rori’s ebook and Im actually going back to re-read it again tonight. Going to try and make a real long, long story short without leaving out major details. My current relationship started almost 3 years ago, this October will actually make 3 years. I had just filed for legal separation. We are both in our 30’s., I was married for almost 13 years and he has never been married. The beginning of our relationship I fell head over hills for him, he gave me the attention, love and etc.. that I had lacked in my marriage for several years. Of course I did everything wrong in the beginning chasing him and leaning forward etc… Come to find out the whole time that I thought we were exclusive; he was actually talking and seeing someone else. Again I did everything wrong, and I called it off. He came back a few days later said that he had ended things with her and wanted to be with me. I did tell him that if he wanted to date other girl that was fine, that I would do the same. He said no that was not what he wanted. We got back together, and I thought we were great. To make this short the above went scenario went on for about a year, and I finally had a enough and I was done. Did not talk to him for about 2 weeks avoided phone calls, text messages and even running to him at work. He did text and beg for me to talk to him that he was sorry, and he was just scared of getting hurt by me. He was scarred I was going to go back to my EX, he said that had happen to him before, and that he was just messed up and he was trying to get things right and did not want to lose me. I told him that I could not make any promises that I needed to know for a fact that he called it off with her. If he did not want to do that, that was fine with me but I would not be making no commitment to him unless I knew for a fact. That afternoon on his way home from work, he called me and was crying and said that he did call her and end things with her and he was ending things with me also,, that he needed time to think.. I was beyond furious, for what he had called and told me prior to this and mad at the whole situation. I done something on this day that I will forever regret, but I told him fine that was what he wanted I was fine with it.. I wasn’t, I ended up getting a friend of mine to ride with me to his house to drop off something’s of his I had off.. I pulled up and her car was there and they pulled up together. Not to go into all the detail, I made a complete fool out of myself. The only good thing that came out of it, is that she actually found out about me. She had no idea til then… After all that horrible seen.. He was calling me that night telling me he was sorry and that he was not trying to hurt me.. I told him I was done and he needed to move on with his life, because I was going to move on with mine… ( Can you say roller coaster ride ) !!!!! Well we ended up back together after some time apart, and we had really been doing good, he has been great at showing me that he is wanting me to trust him, ( and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt with can be very hard) … We were together and I started letting him come around my kids, which I hadn’t really done in the past. We were really doing good.. Until a couple of Sundays ago we were at his parents house eating breakfast with some of his family from out of town. She (the girl that he was seeing in the beginning) shows up at his house and walks in and throws a bag of clothes at him and walks out. He did not move, so I did I walked outside and I calmly asked her what that was about. She stated that they had been talking and texting some.. and she had been asking him to come get his things she found of his while she was packing up her stuff to move.. He never came outside while we were talking… I asked her how long they had been texting and talking and what was being said, she told me that she was not there to cause trouble, but when she saw my car she knew that he had been lying to her.. He had been telling her that we were not together, that she was the one for him and that he was trying to get his life straight… etc…. So she left and told me she would call me later.. I went back inside started getting my stuff together to leave, told him that I was gone, and that I would never understand why he was the way he is… He told me that he had been avoiding her and he had not been by her to get the clothes, even though he could have..He was trying to avoid her and that the things that she said were not true… She and I tried to get him to talk to both of us at the same time and he would not, which I think back now and that was probably for the best. I have talked to her since then and he has not contacted her. I know you all are probably thinking I’m crazy, but we are together at the moment and we have talked about what happen. He has such great potential to be the person I fell in love with, we have a great time together, we have so much in common. I really care for him and love him. I guess what has me really thinking about our relationship and how I feel about it, Is the question my dad asked me yesterday.. He said KJ what the deal with you and SC are you head over heels in love with him. I couldn’t honestly answer him.. I told him that at one time I was, and I still love him and care about what happens with him. But I do not trust him at this point, and I was so close to getting back the trust this last time, and really thought that we were doing great and moving forward and then all that happen that Sunday. I just don’t know which one of them is telling the truth and I just don’t know if I can put my all back into a relationship that I keep getting burned in. I want to talk to him about how I’m feeling, just not sure how… Part of me wants to trust him and believe in him… But the other part of me is saying stop being a fool; and walk away you have done all that you can do to show him that you cared and you were not going to hurt him. & in all this I have been the one that has been hurt… I would love and really hope I get some advice back… I’m just at at lose and not sure which way I need to turn or how I need to handle the situation… I’m so sorry it is so long.. Thanks

Smile, haha!!! Well, many do have Rollerblades, yes, and al the gear too
Not me, I’d fall ar** over t*t….haaa!!
So he just has to drive me, and usually gets into a huff…but it’s cute. I then have to say how I loooove it at his and how saaaad I am having to go back home. Then he cheers up
Oh the fun and games.
Truth is I love my Condo, I can see the beach…very calming!! Always happy to be back there! Ha!!

He does occasionally, but he likes his toys and there is generally more to do at his place, it’s more of a family home and feels better there. He also has a flat next door with own entry and I can stay there, so I can have my own place with privacy…..it’s ideal actually.
I only have a tiny studio.

Hi Sirens! Hope everyone is well. Leaving work now and will post more tonight.

This article made me realize I really need to figure out what I want. I thought I wanted to get married, I probably do…. but I really want to travel too. Not sure I want to be tied down when my girls are grown.

Smile, yep, I don’t know what will happen but last time I never initiated anything and he picked me up, made sure I was fed, watered, entertained, got me sightseeing, installed me in his perfectly clean and tidy little flat (rest of house mad) and so on….all in all I was pretty amazed. It was a total turnaround.
So I feel curious what will happen now…could be nothing, could be everything

Siren Angel – Yikes! I am so sorry about your flooding . . . but would hate to see you slide backward by staying at his house “as friends” . . . it was nice of him to ask, but you did tell him about your situation, so any decent man would have offered to help. It might shock him to know you are valuing yourself enough not to put yourself in that situation – even if it is a hardship on you.

Siren angel. I have a slightly different take on things. To me this is one of those crazy situations occurring that is an opportunity for you to say what you want. Oh it would feel so good to be looked after by you in this situation but I’m not comfortable with x y and z ….. Dont drop the bar it will be so hard to raise it afterwards. Also it’s good he is having a hard time with all this that’s what you want dont dilute it!

He called and of course I told him. What if the Universe is making this happen? A friend of mine into more holistic things says water represents emotions… What if I tell him (if he comes on to me) it would feel so good but i dont want to sleep with you as friends? His intention is either friendly putting me in another room or he is using this to get back or he knows he will try to sleep with me.

Kiddie is now at his dads and the noise in my house is deafening… I really dont know what to do… Am i really am tempted, but not to go sleep with him or try to make up. What if I lean completely back while there?

So why did he call in the first place? Water does reprent emotions! This reminds me of the random thing that happened to me (a car crash) ….he knows you have lots of friends you can stay with? Maybe let him rescue you but lean back and listen to him and stick to your line about whT you need. when he called was he suggesting anything before you told him about flood?

After our 1st breakup last summer, we actually went on vacation together because already planned (pre-Rori) and got back together. I got modern siren 1 week before vacation and listened all the time and majorly leaned back on vacation.

Forest Siren,
He called to see how I was. Told me it’s been really harf for him and that he’s sad but feeling a little bit better. I told him I felt sad too and the flood and he could hear the noise in my house…

I live an hour away from the big city and friends where I could possibly stay. Ofherwise, i would stay home and put up with the noise. The flooding does stress me out so I would need to relax, do yoga, before I go over there for sure.

Is going there accepting his invitation leaning forward if i lean back while there? Wouldnt e be put off if i refuse his help?

Hmmmm tricky. You already have the precedent for breaking up but kindof staying together and then getting back together.

Sounds to me like you are going over there;) so rockstar it. And write your speech now. What do you want? Do you want marriage? M is in pain right now and wants you to ease that pain but no commitment. So based on the last breakup and get back together wht would you do differently cos here is your do over courtesy of a convenient flood arranged by the universe!

Oh it’s so easy to give advice! So much harder to work out what to do in my own situation.

Siren angel one other thing just for me I would not allow being ‘put in the spare room’. No way. I would not want to be seen as friend in spare room or start that as a pattern. That’s just me so I would either stay at home in my own comfy bed even if noisy or accept that if I go over there I am most likely going to be in his bed. Sleeping in the spare kids room feels yucky to me ….. But hey I’m in no position to be giving any kindof advice here

I feel disconnected from the blog; maybe it is just me, but I feel what I feel.

I do not like to be “call out” when I express my anger and frustration over a CD, I am not trying to control that particular CD, but I care about myself and I want to protect mYself, so when someone disrespects me, I feel angry. OK next!

I done with Dw for now, he is who he is and I don’t want who he is or what he is… I made a list on app in my I-phone and every time I see a man with a quality I like a write it down..

Things are getting cozier with HS. Three great weekends in a row.
I am in my place 20 miles away during the week and with him on weekends.
This weekend I had a conference in the city that went from 9 to 5 Friday through Sunday with an hour+ commute on each end.
So I just went to my place last night, but Saturday I went to his/ours.
This weekend he started kissing me goodnight in the hallway between the rooms.
He implied that we should share his room one of these nights.
I am thinking of my script, something like this:
“I really miss the touching, the intimacy, and the s-x. It would feel really good to snuggle up to you.
But–I am not into casual s-x at all and I don’t want to have the door shut on me again in a couple of days or weeks-that would just feel too awful… So if we are going to sleep together I want it to be special. What do you think?”

Siren Angel–it sounds like he is really trying to be the man here. I agree that you are in a position to say anything you want, and to make any boundaries you want.
I stay in my old room when I am up at HS’s house because we are still in the process of working out our deal. There is no one else since the 5 week situation with poor little what’s her name, and I know he is really interested in me.
But I won’t move back in without a ring. Being the fake housemate again is out of the question.

This is a powerful dream for you. I’d like to know more about it before I say “this is what I think it means,” but right now I’ll share what stands out to me with the information I have.

First, I’m curious to know what time you had the dream. Research suggests that dreams in the beginning of sleep tend to include more negative emotions, while dreams closer to the end of sleep (i.e. toward morning) tend to feel more positive. This may be because dreaming is one way our minds make sense of stressors we encounter while awake. As the night glides by, our subconscious minds reach deeper for solutions to complex problems. Flying dreams are quite common, usually occur late in the sleep cycle, and tend to involve a sense of euphoria. When I have a flying dream, I consider it an indicator that my life is going in a positive direction and I’m feeling powerful in general. (I still feel disappointed when I wake up though.) But what intrigues me about this particular dream is how your feelings of euphoria were sort of eclipsed by the rage you felt upon discovering that your ex was flying too.

I think your angry feelings in the dream, plus the act of pushing your ex away, carry the strongest message for you. If not for those elements, this would just be another euphoric flying dream. I wouldn’t normally interpret the flying as a representation of successful relationships, but the specific appearance of that ex in that situation (and the fact that you felt inclined to write about it on this blog) leads me to wonder if that is, in fact, a useful interpretation. Within the context of everything you’ve learned from Rori Raye and the community here, could your flying represent your new power to experience a successful committed relationship? Having watched your journey for several months, I can say that I have certainly seen you grow and develop that skill and I know you are much stronger now than you used to be. You may not realize it but you are very very close.

Intuitively I doubt that you are still hung up on this specific guy. I’m wondering if you feel threatened by his ability (in your perception) to marry and have a committed relationship. The lovers who abandoned you only to marry someone else were ready for relationship. They didn’t pick you because you weren’t ready at those times. There is nothing wrong with you because you didn’t have the skills then. Neither did I a year ago, and neither did others here before we found Rori Raye (I’m not saying everyone). The fact that you FOUND this stuff tells me that you are now ready to heal.

It sounds like you are still in pain about your past pattern of being the girl BEFORE “the one” for so many of your past loves. If this were my dream, I might start by asking myself: Did this dream come along to tell me my anger and pain are still getting in my way?

When I interpret my own dreams, I question how other characters in my dream could represent different aspects of myself. So I wonder if this ex, who was ready to be in a real relationship before you were, is also a part of you. Could you be violently pushing away the part of yourself that is ready to be married? Or perhaps you are pushing away the part of you that sees you as “not enough” or “unworthy.” In the dream, the violent act of pushing your former lover away from you didn’t heal your hurt, anger or confusion. I wonder what this is mirroring in real life?

I feel curious to know what you feel and think about these suggestions.

Published on September 10, 2012 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love

I recently attended a social gathering with friends, family, strangers and a bunch of cute kids. As the day ended and goodbyes were shared, I over heard a six-year-old quietly ask her mother for something. Suddenly, in front of the crowd, the mother exploded and yelled hysterically at the child. The little girl was silenced with tears streaming down her cheeks. It looked like a familiar scene for mother and daughter. The crowd silenced too, but quickly acted like nothing happened. This example of shaming and humiliating a child can have long term devastating effects. Will this little girl grow up to respect her mother?

“ Wherever I look, I see signs of the commandment to honor one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of a child.” Children respect those who respect them. The above quote comes from my colleague, Alice Miller, who passed in 2010. Her deeply thoughtful and profound work continues to inspire. She’s considered the most articulate child advocate in the world.

Adult children raised by narcissistic parents frequently tell similar childhood stories of shame and humiliation. Often these shaming acts take place in front of other people. Treating children badly and without respect is not the golden rule for parenting, but why do we see this so often?

Just today, a friend shared a similar story. Her brother frequently shames his children. When the family gets together, he loudly announces the wrong doings of his children, with no insight to the damage it does. The children stand listening with eyes cast downward. Is it any wonder that young people in these situations grow into adults with self-doubt, depression and anxiety?

Shaming and humiliating children is emotionally abusive. It is not ok to smack children physically or with words. Young people deserve and are entitled to reach out, attach and bond with their caretakers. It is an expectation that the parent will provide safety, protection, acceptance, understanding and empathy. When this does happen, children grow up knowing their worth and demanding respect from others and themselves. When children are emotionally or psychologically abused, they grow up feeling unloved, unwanted, and fearful. Normal development is interrupted and it sends the wounded child into exile. This is when negative internal messages are developed and why we have so many adults today feeling “not good enough.”

As children become adults, they parent themselves in the same manner they were parented. Messages internalized from childhood are now ingrained in the adult. Those messages play like repeating endless tapes. “How could you be so stupid?” “ You can’t do anything right.” “ This is why no-one likes you.”

Shaming and humiliation causes fear in children. This fear does not go away when they grow up. It becomes a barrier for a healthy emotional life and is difficult to eradicate. If these same children become parents, the possibility also exists that the fear and negativity can be unwittingly passed through the generations.

Our goal in recovery is to stop the legacy of distorted love. As Seneca (Roman philosopher, author, politician, 4 B.C.E. to C.E. 65) says, “ Fear and love cannot live together…Blows are used to correct brute beasts.” {Daria has a possibly diff interpretation of what he intended here… but… }

When we talk about disrespectful children, we must look at parenting. Solid parenting shows children respect and empathy. When a parent truly gives respect to a child, they receive it back. When this becomes the norm for the household, we see young people grow up with a loving value system that makes a difference in the world. However, when children are shamed, humiliated and then silenced, it represses the harm that may re-surface later in life. If this happens, it can be in the form of self-destruction or cruelty to others.

Make the commitment to never shame a child. Treat children like you want to be treated. If you were raised by narcissistic parents, your own recovery work truly makes the difference. I salute you for the earnest efforts to stop the legacy of distorted love. The children of the world need YOU!

#102 (((( KJ ))))
Please give yourself time to think before you react. Time alone.
It is not clear that he deserves your trust.
He hasn’t made a clean commitment to you.
Are you dating others? It may be a very good idea to start doing so, no matter what comes of this. No matter how uncomfortable it feels.
He needs to prove himself over a stretch of ground, and so far he hasn’t.

He offered pasta and veal limone with wine. Music. His bed with me alone in it. Telling me I am sooo beautiful but that if he sleeps in same bed won’t be able to keep his hands off me. I said it would feel bad to me to sleep together as friends. I offered in exchange many FMs about southing, touch, heart, sad, happy, ect. So far I am leaning way back… Argh…

# 161 SA
Offering YOU his bed for yourself and telling you how beautiful you are and he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you–Nope–he is not angling for “just friends”.
Now the next hurdle is friends with bennies. Just say no. Sleep in his bed by yourself.
If he is serious he will make it clear.
You are doing great!!!

I woke up this morning with my entire back muscles all stiff and tense.

It’s been that way all day.

I still went to zumba class as it does help loosen up the stiffness.
I need to look into this.

I can’t ‘feel’ what’s causing this muscle tension.
I did last time it happened a week ago, and was able to release.
I had just noticed my feelings, observed them and let them go…and it worked to relax my muscles.

While on vacation, I went to a country arts and crafts boutique where I found what I had been looking for for years:
A small rectangular pillow filled with linen seeds used to put a gentle weight on the eyes to relax them.
There’s lavendar oil in it.
It feels heavenly.

Thank you Sirens! I really appreciate your support. I am feeling all smiley in his bed. Not sure where all this will lead us. He has been telling me how sad he was last weekend to go to a wedding alone (I forgot that was last weekend!) he had invited me to. he also apologized about the weekend in Lake Placid, to which I said I felt angry and sad about. he then asked if I was angry at him, i said no, I feel angry about the weekend, it would have felt so beautiful and told him also ‘oh yeah and I feel angry about the wedding’. He said he didnt feet comfortable calling me to go because he felt ridiculous about it and ended up feeling ridiculous going alone. He keeps saying how difficult it’s been and he is clearly trying hard to stay away somewhat physically when we pass close to each other, but his eyes give him off… I am feeling very curious. We listened to music and I laid back on the sofa with one of my arms dangling down imagining being in a row boat and totally laying back. I closed my eyes. He eventually closed his but I caught him peeking at me many times when I would open them… Anyway, so far he is being a perfect gentleman in action but I realize he may be testing also and I am leaning back and being demure.

Scary. Of all the stuff I’ve read, this feels closest to what I experienced with R in 2009. It goes hand in hand with the Stolkholm Syndrome.

I think he has changed since February 2012, but I am not sure yet.

Victims and Survivors of Psychopaths

from victim to survivor

Traumatic Bonding

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Traumatic bonding is “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” (Dutton & Painter, 1981). Several conditions have been identified that must be present for a traumatic bond to occur.

–(1). There must be an imbalance of power, with one person more in control of key aspects of the relationship, such as setting themselves up as the “authority” through such things as controlling the finances, or making most of the relationship decisions, or using threats and intimidations, so the relationship has become lopsided.

–(2). The abusive behavior is sporadic in nature. It is characterized by intermittent reinforcement, which means there is the alternating of highly intense positives (such as intense kindness or affection) and the negatives of the abusive behavior.

–(3). The victim engages in denial of the abuse for emotional self- protection. In severe abuse (this can be psychological or physical), one form of psychological protection strategy is dissociation, where the victim experiences the abuse as if it is not happening to them, but as if they are outside their body watching the scene unfold (like watching a movie). Dissociative states allow the victim to compartmentalize the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects.

The use of denial and distancing oneself from the abuse are forms of what is called cognitive dissonance. In abusive relationships this means that what is happening to the victim is so horrible, so far removed from their thoughts and expectations of the world, that it is “dissonant” or “out of tune” or “at odds” with their pre-existing expectations and reality. Since the victim feels powerless to change the situation, they rely on emotional strategies to try to make it less dissonant, to try to somehow make it fit. To cope with the contradicting behaviors of the abuser, and to survive the abuse, the person literally has to change how they perceive reality. Studies also show a person is more loyal and committed to a person or situation that is difficult, uncomfortable, or even humiliating, and the more the victim has invested in the relationship, the more they need to justify their position. Cognitive dissonance is a powerful “self-preservation” mechanism which can completely distort and override the truth, with the victim developing a tolerance for the abuse and “normalizing” the abusers behavior, despite evidence to the contrary.

–(4). The victim masks that the abuse is happening, may not have admitted it to anyone, not even themselves.

Trauma bonding makes it easier for a victim to survive within the relationship, but it severely undermines the victims self-structures, undermining their ability to accurately evaluate danger, and impairs their ability to perceive of alternatives to the situation.

Once a trauma bond is established it becomes extremely difficult for the victim to break free of the relationship. The way humans respond to trauma is thought to have a biological basis and reactions to trauma was first described a century ago, with the term “railroad spine” being used. Another term used has been “shell shocked”.

Victims overwhelmed with terror suffer from an overload of their system, and to be able to function they must distort reality. They often shut down emotionally, and sometimes later describe themselves as having felt “robotic”, intellectually knowing what happened, but feeling frozen or numb and unable to take action. A victim must feel safe and out of “survival mode” before they will be able to make cognitive changes.

Many victims feel the compulsion to tell and retell the events of the trauma in an attempt to come to terms with what happened to them and to try to integrate it, reaching out to others for contact, safety, and stability. Other victims react in an opposite manner, withdrawing into a shell of self-imposed isolation. The trauma bond can persist even after the victim leaves the relationship, with it sometimes taking months, or even years, for them to completely break the bond.

A couple of days ago there was an ‘accident’ between me and my man when he suddenly withdrew and got shut down and defensive and I shared that it felt weird and bad to me and is there anything I have to know? and he said nothing. Okay. He has a right to keep silence and also act like nothing has happened and still want to pat me or kiss. Okay, it’s his business. So I turned to my feelings and noticed me worrying and feeling sad and angry and also – used ! And that at the same time I kinda pine for him and then I thought. I just can not entrust myself to a person I am feeling such feelings with. Why should I pine for someone I feel this way? Why should I want sex or attention from a person I feel bad with and not cared?? I can’t entrust myself even for a while to anyone I am feeling this way with. I HAVE to feel secure and cared to want a man. Otherwise he is my practice material. Thanks goodness I am at the place where I want and HAVE to feel secure and cared for! I don’t feel longing him any more. And today my little girl feels safe and secure for the first time for the last few years. And that feels awesome. No matter what.

This last part, “Many victims feel the compulsion to tell and retell the events of the trauma in an attempt to come to terms with what happened to them and to try to integrate it, reaching out to others for contact, safety, and stability” is what I think I have been doing on the blog.

I am watching the relationship based on pain. The last time he hurt me was in Feb. Now he is just leaving me on my own and spending little time with me. But that could have to do with me being an hour away. And if he really just wants friendship. So I can’t classify that as hurt.

So I am just watching him, hoping that my theory is right that he is not like that anymore.

Rad-love – You are in an Imaginary Relationship.
There is no Traumatic Bonding going on….There is Nothing going on.
THere is no Masculine Energy coming your way from R.
There is Nothing….no love, no kissing, no affection, no shared memories…NOthing.
Stop trying to Understand it…There is Nothing to Understand.
You are Traumatic Bonding With Yourself.

Oh SA, what a mess… a flood! I’d suggest you not go over there… but easier said than done. I’d want to if I were you. I might even convince myself that the flood happened to give me the opportunity to spend time with him. Hey, I did do that… I encouraged C to stay with me when he wasn’t getting along with his family. Hmm, did not go so well for me.

I’m feeling a little clearer about what I want from a man. I want exclusivity. I want someone to come home to. I want my person, the one that’s my other half.
I don’t want to rush into anything with anyone. Actually taking a relationship to the living together/marriage level, sounds almost like it will never happen for me. I don’t know how many good things would have to happen over such a great length of time, to convince me that was a wonderful and smart idea.

I feel safe in my house, half paid for by my ex. I don’t have to worry about having a relationship to get me to a better place financially….. my ex provides that for me. That should take a lot of pressure off of me, feeling that I need to meet someone. Maybe it has. I hate wasting my time, and most of the men I date I think enough of the right qualities I’m looking for. I’m just not drawn to them to be with forever. FW brought up a story about a woman who still felt so connected to her ex, that she put off any real possibility of starting something new. I know I do that. I talk about my ex, some good, some bad, I explain my living situation which is enough to make any sane man wonder…. oh I’m a mess.

I’ll be 39 in 3 months. I’m going to take these next 3 months and really figure out what I want, what to do about it, and focus on that.

I really really like Mr. Conversation, and I wish things were different than they are. I’m so happy he has a job interview tomrorow that he’s really excited about. Life is looking up for him. I don’t know if we’ll ever be on the same page and want the same thing at the same time…. but I’m keeping him as a friend. He fills a big void in my life and we help each other a lot. I w to surround myself with people who make me feel good, are really present in my life, and that I enjoy.

BUT, and here is the big BUT, I’m open to who ever else may show up in my life, that might want what I want (if I ever really figure that out).

I leaned forward and texted Tux, he replied a few times, but just asked about my weekend and said he was working on reports. He said he wanted to see me again, but hasn’t asked. He contacted me last Thursday…. same type of conversation.

I know I’m rambling… lol, but mind feels all over the place! sheesh. I keep hearing from these really young guys on POF. I’m wondering if I should be open to that. It doesn’t feel like a good fit to me, but am I over thinking it? I don’t know.

I do know, I miss having sex. I want a committed relationship with a lot of sex. I want consistent, exclusive, romantic, loving rex. How do I get it?

178 – Rad-love – I feel angry. I believe You are a tiny bit abusive to R.
At any rate -you and R are no where close to an abusive relationship like the one you described in the post. You and R do not have Any Kind of Relationship going on At All. There is
Nothing…
nothing
nothing…There.

You put your time and energy and Entire being…into Figuring out and Understanding — Nothing.

He is not going to Come Around.
He does not want a relationship with you.
It Is Not the Schizophrenia….It’s You.
He Doesn’t like you like that….
He’s Not Into You…

Radlove – I write that with Anger and with Love.
I want you to Be happy Radlove..with a man! I want flowers for you on your Birthday and someone to cuddle and watch a scary movie with…I want you in a pretty dress and mermaid hair and a man with eyes that lights up when he sees you….
I feel fed up of your obsession and delusion…
I feel scared too…

Heart, I don’t want to respond as a defence of Radlove as I believe she knows best how it feels to be spoken to like you have in those posts. I do feel triggered though, your words read as controlling and masculine energy to me. Is this reflecting something about yourself? The strength of your response makes me wonder if this is about you and not Radlove.
I feel a bit annoyed with myself, as I realise that by drawing this to your attention, I am also acting out of a masculine energy. I’m trying to find ways of expressing without making wrong.

Stay strong! You are doing great. To listen to him it’s like there was some bad luck or a mean witch that keep you apart, but in fact it’s all his doing:) Don’t forget! He is all sweet now but it can turn in a sec if you forget your boundaries. The only way you reconsider is if you are asked on a proper date and talked to about engagement!

I am leaning back. My plan is to collect FM’s and tell him my do and don’t wants when (if) he contacts me. Mostly around being taken care of. Seriously, I was almost fainting last night waiting for him to take me to dinner;) Did not go buy any food because I thought we were going out. Ended up eating a cake that I made for us at 7am on Sunday. It was the only thing I had in the fridge. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good cake lol

Radlove, it feels scary and frustrating to me that you relate your relationship with R to traumatic bonding. When I think of victims of those kinds of relationships, I don’t understand how you compare to what they would endure to what your situation was. That feels like a lapse in reality to me.

I understand that he terribly hurt your feelings and you were very disappointed. Why does it have to be so much more than that? Why does it have to be emotional warfare, traumatic bonding, emotionally raped, you as the victim? This is where the frustration sets in, that if you truly believe these things, how in the world can you go back through this cycle again and again, that you love him so much and want to be with him? It feels like you want it both ways. You want the support and encouragement on the blog to persue and continue a relationship with him when he’s being receptive…. but when he walks away from you or cuts back his attention, you want to prove that you are the victim and he is abusing you.

PLEASE stop. Please take every single word he says to you at face value. Don’t read more into it. Don’t tell yourself he really means something else. Don’t tell yourself he’s testing you. Just accept it and CHOOSE yourself.

184
Heart, I find when I have fears about how I will be treated, or that I will end up settling for less than I want, it helps to give some thought to where my boundaries are. I try to give myself clarity and imagine senarios that might feel bad and how I might respond. Then I feel stronger as I have worked out in advance how I will respond if that comes up. It helps me trust myself to be my own guardian angel. xo

#182 – Rivergirl -oh btw thanks so much for the feedback (I’m still feeling my way and exploring through Siren Island) …I realized I had this tight rigid energy inside me…I’m making a mental note to explore these things and improve my communication. Feeling grateful.
Still, I stand by what I wrote to Radlove though..

Radlove, just wanted to say that over the last few threads I have noticed that you have an amazing capacity to take care of yourself here on the blog. I admire your willingness to listen to advice but also to speak out when it feels harsh….many others would blow up faced with the same criticism. xo

In other news : I have still not heard from CudG.
I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about it.
It’s so shocking to Feel his energy just go away.
It’s been days…this is so Unlike him.
I wonder was my response too cold, too curt?
Ick.
It’s ok…I learning to move with the ebb and flow…but I miss him.

Don’t Play the Victim Game
By Robert Firestone, Ph.D. on September 30, 2009 – 11:42am
In Psychological Defenses in Everyday Life, (1989), I described a patient who complained that her husband was habitually late for dinner. Dinner was ready at 6:30, but he often came in as late as 8:30 without calling to let her know that he would be late. She asked me, “Is that right?” in a tone that implied that she was the victim of wrongdoing. I tried to explain to her that the key question wasn’t whether it was right or not, although one would tend to agree with her in principle. What she said may have been correct, but in any case, it was irrelevant. I wanted her to see that she was viewing the situation as a passive victim, which was neither productive nor adaptive.

Many people think they are entitled to good treatment. The truth is that they are neither entitled nor not entitled to it. The significant issues are what is going on and how do they feel about it. This woman would have been better off actively facing the facts of the situation and acknowledging her emotional reactions rather than personally judging it and feeling victimized by it.

If you are being robbed, you don’t sit around thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening to me. It isn’t right.” Instead, you react. You may defend yourself, call the police or try to run away. Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding.

The woman whose husband was late for dinner had every right to feel angry and to consider practical ac¬tion if she wished, but to try to justify feeling victimized was maladaptive and ultimately meaningless.

Even in the most extreme situation, such as a concentration camp, feeling victimized is not adaptive: Feeling your anger, planning an escape, attempting to survive any and all of these courses of action are preferable to indulging powerless, victimized feelings. Your attitude is a vital factor in determining whether you will survive or perish, succeed or fail in life. Viktor Frankl contended that many of the survivors of German concentration camps were able to endure because they refused to give in to feeling victimized. Instead, although stripped of all their rights and possessions, they used one remaining freedom to sustain their spirit; the freedom to choose what attitude or position they would take in relation to the horror they faced. “It was the freedom to bear oneself ‘this way or that,’ and there was a ‘this or that.'” (Frankl, 1954/1967, p. 94)

I love this article! And i love the author Lauren’s picture she’s a gorgeous hottie!!!

(((KJ)))

KJ I’m sorry to hear all that! Wow quite a story. Reminds me of my toxicEX. He would lie and cheat and then BEG me back and promise blah blah blah and next thing you know I catch him in a car with a girl and lied again. I made a scene too LOL he was getting out of her car and I got out of mine and went right up to her drivers seat like what the hell is this!!! And she took off! Poor girl. Lol and toxicEX and I were left standing there and I was furious!!!!
This is after I gave him a fresh start and a chance to build trust with me. Omg I hated him that day and hated myself for being “stupid” although I know I’m not.
Anyway trust is a hard thing to rebuild and he ruined it for me once and for all with that final straw.
It was hard to let go cuz I over him soooo much. I still do omg!!!

I love this article! And i love the author Lauren’s picture she’s a gorgeous hottie!!!

(((KJ)))

KJ I’m sorry to hear all that! Wow quite a story. Reminds me of my toxicEX. He would lie and cheat and then BEG me back and promise blah blah blah and next thing you know I catch him in a car with a girl and lied again. I made a scene too LOL he was getting out of her car and I got out of mine and went right up to her drivers seat like what the hell is this!!! And she took off! Poor girl. Lol and toxicEX and I were left standing there and I was furious!!!!
This is after I gave him a fresh start and a chance to build trust with me. Omg I hated him that day and hated myself for being “stupid” although I know I’m not.
Anyway trust is a hard thing to rebuild and he ruined it for me once and for all with that final straw.
It was hard to let go cuz I loved him soooo much. I still do omg!!!

The Line between Victims and Abusers
By Steven Stosny on May 15, 2009 – 6:52am
Victim identity is focus on damages suffered at the hands of other people. The desire to be identified as a victim creates a sense of entitlement and a motive to devalue anyone who does not offer special recognition and validation of victim status or compensation for it.

In our Age of Entitlement, it is often difficult for friends and therapists to detect abuse in intimate relationships and to discern who the primary abuser is. This is especially hard in cases of emotional abuse, with no objective evidence like police reports or medical records. The following characteristics of primary abusers and victims are not fool-proof, but I have found them to be highly reliable, based on the dramatic change of attitudes by the end of treatment.

Research and clinical experience clearly indicates that abusers are likely to:

• Underreport, hide, minimize, or justify their abusive behavior

• Describe themselves as victims

• Feel abused when their partners disagree with them or don’t do what they want

Research and clinical evidence traditionally has shown that victims were likely to:

• Underreport or hide their partners’ abusive behavior
• Not label obviously abusive behavior as abuse
• Blame themselves in part for the abuse they reveal
• Make excuses for the abuser’s behavior
• Bend over backwards to see the abuser’s perspective
• Describe the abuser at least partially in sympathetic terms
• Exhibit self-doubt

How the line got blurred: Emotional Reactivity and the Victim Identity Movement

Abuse victims, like anyone in relationships with high emotional reactivity, build automatic defense systems, which include preemptive strikes – if you expect to be criticized, stonewalled, or demeaned, you may well do it first. Victims can easily develop a reactive narcissism that makes seem like abusers.

But emotional reactivity between intimate partners, although more frequent in the Age of Entitlement, is a small part of the story. A more potent variable in blurring the line between victim and abuser is the reactivity of a social movement.

The victim protection movement began as a noble attempt to counteract the most insidious aspect of the abusive dynamic – blaming the victim, which has the effect of making the victim feel ashamed of being abused. But as is the case with all effective social movements, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We now have a victim identity movement, fueled by an industry of self-help authors and advocates, that has conferred a certain status to being a victim and thereby blurred the line between victims and abusers.http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/the-line-between-victims-and-abusers

I am starting to think about recycledCD every day now. I don’t know why. I’m sure he has so many women.

Why am i still hooked on his memory??? Hes so “emo” and damaged. He talks about the past a lot. I actually felt bored with him the last few times we hung out. I think I miss the old recycled. He used to be more fun.

I’m going to look at this as a mirror-type situation. If I’m getting triggered by something, then there must be some part of my life where I am doing the same thing. So I am going to be extra-vigilant and pay attention to where I might be in victim mentality.

I feel really excited to discover this! It’s like detective work! And then I can replace it with a more empowered perspective.

196 Heart…I am pretty sure he will be in contact, I have always been surprised at the male timeline. It may not even have anything to do with what you said…
You might be surprise, you might now. I have a feeling you will be

oh Heart, yes, btw, I am trying to keep my heart open for sure. I have men and dates lined up.
They are all new guys so I it’s difficult to get overly excited, but yes. Cuban guy is already possessive and over the top but that may be a mentality difference, guess Cuban and German are opposite poles..haha!!
To be honest, it is more important to feel good with myself, because I can rush into something with a man to ‘make me feel better about myself’ – but I do not want to go there anymore.

Forest Siren, oh yes, I know that unless he has someone else, he will always try to step up in his little way. Stick head out of shell, retract back in, stick head out a bit more…tortoise. It is totally up to me how long I can deal with that….at the end of the day he is still going to move away, so I am wary.
I know that his personal dreams are more important to him than love…so I do not expect anything at all, even when he does step up, it may only be temporary. What’s worse, he may only step up because he KNOWS that he is going soon – so it’s safe for him. But not safe for me. I need to look after me here, perhaps that is where the anxiousness comes in.
We do have a bond and it is up to us to define where that is going, if he doesn’t step up fully, I am not going to drag this out.
It feels scary. I don’t want to get my hopes up.

This morning I woke up feeling at peace. It has been a while. The anxiousness is subdued right now and that’s good.

218..oh Heart I had to laugh!!
‘I feel scared he is not interested…I feel scared he is interested’
Yes, that sooooo resonates.
I figured it was my fear of intimacy….I don’t want to be scared anymore, like FW said we have the power to let go of any situation that does not serve us anymore. We have the power. No need to be scared.
(I am telling myself

Love is like the sun: every member of your family
can fully receive the warmth of your love without
depriving the others.

Only when you position them in front of or behind
one another does love seem exclusive — giving to
some while casting a shadow on others.

Love shines *through* you rather than *from* you,
which means you can never really run out of it. When
loving your children, your partner, and yourself,
there is no limit on how much Love you can shine.

The more you release thoughts of limitation and
practice *knowing* that Love is infinite — even
when others are temporarily focused on the shadows
— the more you will experience parenthood as a
sunny, joyful, empowering journey.

My anxiety is going…and slowly replaced by a warm feeling. I feel all will be ok in the end no matter what happens, because I trust me and I kind of trust him too.
And I have been writing lots of emails to my other CD’s to take my mind off one man

Well, I got out of bed last night to go to the washroom and he called me in his bedroom… We cuddled and just took long moments to breathe each other. He did not push it but told me how he had missed me so much and that he would sleep with a pillow to pretend it’s me and with my silk nightie in the bed to smell me! He kept telling me how wonderful I am. We spoke about our connection and I told him I just want to be in his arms and feel that connection. And we were on our way to sex when I told him again that I don’t want to be just sleeping together and no commitment. We talked a lot. He doesn’t think it will work with the kids and he says he doesnt want to go back there now because they are adjusting well without me and he doesnt want to confuse them. He says maybe in 6 months to 1 year when the custody is through. I spoke a lot about what I want. We both agreed we revel in our connection and (I am embarassed to say) we agreed to see each other without the kids for now, (so as not to hurt them or confuse them) BUT with a lot of contact, weekends together here and trips…. I am still not sure how I feel about that totally, but the thing is, I told him then that without a commitment on the table I would want to keep my options open and possibly date other men. He said that would be hard but he agreed. And I told him that I would only have sex with him but that I don’t feel comfortable with him dating other women, and he agreed.

In any case, this is the situation now. I have to say, I have strong doubts he would have called or leaned forward had the flood that caused me to sleep over not happened. He said he cried and it was so hard on him and I can see he was so hurt but this is really all for the kids.

I have listenend to Lauren Frances before on a free telecast forum. I like her style. It puts me in the feel of a femine coated, smart savy woman.

I recently have had several CD’s. The quality of the men has tremendously increased… my online dating profile has stirred a new pot of men LOL None of them is of real interest to me, but I am practicing and listening to their messages for me. This part is fun! I used to find it laborious. I am also investing myself in creating new girlfriend friendships. Something that I have never done.

Listening during any interaction with people is so vital. I however LOVE this question to ask now. It will feel like I have done my homework before I do another meet and greet or a new CD. Men… all of them except one I have met do reveal themselves on the first meeting. I cant wait to try this new question. It is going to save time and an hour of listening to gather scoop on a man.

I do have only one CD that I had any interest in seeing again. “Older Busy Man” called me Sunday and we met up again. He talks a mile a minute and over thinks everything!… Some of the things he told me he thinks… like when we were eating dinner, he said, I am sitting here thinking about how to entertain you after we leave here? HAHAH too funny to me. Also said because I went to play cards with my girlfriends later the same night I met him that I am a person who wants to go and do all the time and would not be happy to relax at home. HAHAH…. poor overfuctioning, thinking man. Funny how he has let me in on his assumptions about me that are not true but this is what he believes about me and that is his truth. Makes me wonder about myself and assumptions I make…. ANYWAY…He feels like is a very nice giving man but does give off all the signals of an emotionally unavailable man. He keeps wanting to kiss me… these deep long kisses. He is testing me… I can feel it…. But really, a make out kissing session and reallying getting into it when all he has done is talk and talk and it is nothing that I can attach to emotionally feels performing to me. I love kissing but not under those conditions. I like him but he is not really the man for me. He uses his work schedule and tight economy as his reasons for being the way he and blah blah blah as reasons he does not, cant, l wont… ahhhh I get it… REALLY he likes company is a bit lonely, aging and set in his ways… wants a person around when he wants them around etc etc. He commented that he liked the fact that I did not get all bent out of shape that he did not contact me all week after we met Which gave me the opportunity to say…” It feels very nice to feel thought of and contacted” but my opinion is that a man doesnt call because he does not WANT to” and smiled and went back to drinking my adult beverage. He said I am just too busy.. yet his phone was sitting out on the table…. He failed my test! and I passed his FUNNY

Listening has become my best tool. Men do tell you all about them and their beliefs right away. THis new question will become a part of my new meet and greet agenda.

Hugs Sirens

PS. I had a meet and greet date with the CD I called “HallmarkGreetingCard Man” He did everything right, but he simply is not my type. I told him and am onto the next “”CD” It feels good to be choosie and stay on my bridge.

Siren Angel…..ooohhhhh….how does that arrangement feel for you?
Because the first thing that came to my mind was ‘friends with benefits’ (I am sorry). If you can handle that then why not, but if you are already worrying about him receiving texts from other women then wouldn’t it be in your best interests to get your energy away from there, let him miss you and let him work it out WITH kids and everything….because he wants to hide you from his kids now.
Is that really a step forward?
I feel worried about you.

I know… I told him I don’t want to be ‘friends with benefits’ and that the possibility of marriage has to be on the table. He says he doesn’t know if that can happen again but that there is that ‘possibility’.

I have to say though, that this is how we got back together last time and that I had really fast results with FMs making the relationship evolve.

The thing is, he is so stubborn and can be so hard on himself when it comes to his kids, I believe he would not contact again feeling he is doing what is best for his kids. He doesn’t want the fights we had on vacation. He did mention not even wanting to date anyone else or looking to date right now or a relationship, not having he energy for it.

I did have a tendency to lean forward a bit because I wanted to clarify the situation, but worked hard on leaning back as soon as I felt i was going to the ‘convincer’ side.

Siren Angel, he will move heaven and earth if he truly loves and misses you.
Right now, you would be making it easy for him to do the bare minimum to keep you around.
But if you believe you can turn the situation around, well you know better…for me it looks a return to the pattern of ‘getting together’ and ‘breaking up’….I really would not want that for you.
But I sure know how difficult it is when you have feelings for someone. What can I say? You’ve got to follow your heart even if Tam thinks it’s a bad idea.
Sigh.

254 – SA, I really do not believe it’s ‘because of’ the kids. It’s perhaps because he does not place emphasis on having a relationship right now because he wants to placate the kids. Then it’s because of HIM.

I am really trying to figure this out, and see things from all perspectives, and it is very painful, I am in tears in his bed now (he left for work).

It is very difficult for us to be together without sex and our lives are so entwined with kids, that I am sure there would be a natural evolution back to what we had in time. The danger is in what may happen when I build those expectations and they take longer than I want to arrive.

I am certain that if I saw the kids today, they would run and hug me. His impression is different I’m sure because he remembers things they said while they were being kids who want attention from their dad. I wish there was a way to make light of it all.

That is very well said ”SA, I really do not believe it’s ‘because of’ the kids. It’s perhaps because he does not place emphasis on having a relationship right now because he wants to placate the kids. Then it’s because of HIM.”

You are right. He is tired of the disagreements and mentioned he has no energy for anything right now.

Maybe I will take it easy tonight, still at his place tonight, but will lean back and observe.

(((SA))) Aw. I agree with Memulo though.
I don’t think it is your responsibility to ‘make light of it all’, I believe it is your responsibility to take care of yourself, and in my humble opinion that would mean remove yourself from him until he figured out what he wants, because he does not seem to know what he wants.

Yes SA, that is why I believe it is important to lean back and wait. Last week he actively said he wants to break up, now he is not sure but misses you, if to let him miss you more, perhaps he will come to the conclusion that he wants to make it work? What do you think?

Picture this: you’re getting ready for a first date. You’re thinking very carefully about what you want to say — you want to be interesting and come up with witty things that will engage him in deep conversation. That’s all good, but how you move and carry yourself in his presence sends a very strong message without you having to say anything at all.

Men are attracted to the softness in us women. When we fully embrace our femininity, this is very attractive to a man and encourages him to take the masculine role to lead the relationship forward. This is where body language really comes into play. So the next time you’re getting ready to meet a man, remember these body language do’s and don’ts for sparking a romantic feeling of attraction in him:

Don’t: Lean Forward

When you lean forward toward a man while you’re sitting or standing, it feels masculine and aggressive to him. It changes your physical and emotional vibe and subconsciously feels like you’re chasing him.

To counteract this, simply lean back. Just tilt your body backwards when you’re around a man, and see what happens. When you’re sitting in a chair, don’t lean forward when you’re having a conversation. Lean back. If you’re standing across from a man, put one foot behind the other and shift your weight so that you’re leaning away, not toward him.

There is a subtle energy exchange that happens between a man and a woman when they interact. This is where leaning back comes into play – by relaxing your body and “opening” it, you are signaling your affinity towards him and openness to his approach. In this way, we can say that a woman makes the first move by making it possible for a man to make his.

Do: Relax Your Hands

When women manage and multi-task, their hands get very tight. So do their shoulders and arms. Have you ever caught yourself balling your hands into a tight fist when you’re speaking with a man? This kind of body language feels tense and harsh to a man.

When we fully embrace our femininity, this is very attractive to a man and encourages him to take the masculine role to lead the relationship forward.
Instead, practice letting your wrists go limp and opening your palms. Move your hands in front of your body and imagine they have no bones at all in them. If you’re holding a glass or a fork, notice how tightly you’re gripping, and allow your hands to soften. This small change will make you feel soft, feminine and calmer. It will force you to slow down and drop tension off your body.

Don’t: Have Tall Shoulders

When we’re nervous or uneasy, we tend to tense the area around our neck and shoulders. Do a check-in with your body right now, but especially when you’re with a man. Chances are your shoulders will have been creeping up toward your ears, and you probably didn’t even notice.

To a man, this looks like you’re ready to pounce. It reminds him of his own tension, and he doesn’t want to feel that in you. On the contrary, what men love about us women is our ability to be soft and in touch with our feelings. He wants to feel relaxed around you, especially if he’s a man with a lot of stress from his job. He wants to see you as his oasis. Keep a watch on where your shoulders are and consciously practice relaxing them and letting them fall.

Do: Step Back

If you feel a man pull back or lean away, it’s not enough to just lean back. Actually take a step backward. A man will sense the open space, and he will intuitively feel the need to move closer to you without any control on your part.

Surprisingly, this will also make you feel more in control. By allowing yourself to move away from him, you keep yourself from appearing needy or eager to please, and the ball is now in his court to move closer or not.

If you soften your body language in these ways, he’ll feel compelled to be around you and get to know you. He’ll feel more affectionate and romantic toward you, and he’ll feel inspired to pursue you.

In my Modern Siren program, I teach you even more ways to use your body language and your feminine energy to mesmerize a man and make him feel like he has to have you.

A Modern Siren is a woman who effortlessly magnetizes a man, including using her body language to draw him in. You’ll learn what hasn’t worked for you in the past to attract a man and make him fall for you, and I’ll teach you, step by step, what you can start doing today to finally have the relationship you want with the man you want.

I echo that worry for Siren Angel and I feel that sick anxious feeling you get when you are watching a movie and the heroine is walking into a trap or about to get hurt and you see it coming and the music is getting louder…it feels like the edge of a precipice.

I would hope this is not the case. But i feel distressed reading that there will be sneaking around behind the childrens backs , not in a real relationship and accepting in fact a “demotion” in importance of SA in M’s life.He has down graded her and she is accepting that so she can feel warm in his arms for a while . He will get the validating feeling of her presence on his terms (she couldnt stay away after all ..thats very validating for him) and her determination to get a commitment dissolved after a midnight booty call from his bedroom . (Sorry if that sounds harsh but thats how it reads).

I feel very triggered and anxious for her because this is how my own nightmare started and it went on for years ..it is very difficult to back track once you are drip fed on your man crack.

And it will still be friends with benefits and she needs to decide what feeling that knowledge gives her. For me it was a terrible gradual erosion of self esteem which I couldnt see through the veil of excuses i made..

That nasty sinking stab of fear when his phone announces a late night text is the feeling that matters most . That is the BIG RED FLAG. Because that is the feeling that never goes away . And whilst there is no commited relationship, he can receive texts and emails and calls, see as many women as he pleases and sleep with them too ..

Sirenity, a good post and it has reminded me again about keeping strong when my man crack shows up, if he does, because he will unwittingly play the same game again if I let him.
And I intend to honour myself, and trust that he will honour me and be honest with me BECAUSE I stick to my boundaries.
The result does not matter…I also do not wish to drag out the pain of an uncommitted relationship for years, which I have managed to do before.
I love myself too much for that now.

I just thought that I did this once with a boyfriend of three years that I lived together with. We broke up and then he missed me and I agreed to see him again, partially because I thought it means that he loves me. He told me later that he was really surprised when I agreed, though from my perspective he BEGGED!! And he valued me less, so I had to really leave and without a nice feeling of self-respect.

I feel curious and wonder if you are really okay with seeing him without the kids, and also you both seeing other people?
If so it sounds like a great solution, actually, for you both to get your needs met and become more emotionally resourced.
I imagine it feels like a relief being able to give up trying to win over his kids and proving yourself to him, and I imagine it also feels like a relief to not have your son to have to deal with his kids anymore as well.
What do you think?

With regard to “sneaking around behind the children’s back” I believe that Turquoise could lend a voice of wisdom to this.

Siren Angel I can tell you that Lauren Frances the author of the article above is about believing what men say. If he said “friends” that is what he meant and he is thinking that you are a grown woman and are agreeing to friendship if you accept his offer. Men believe that friends can have sex and live like a couple. Is that what you believe? I can also tell you that close proximity can get hormones going and have me creating all kinds of fallacies in my head. How about you?

I appreciate your candor. Let me just say this, on a public blog, there ARE some things I don’t say. There ARE things going on that give me reason to believe this will be more than just a platonic friendship someday. I am just trying to make sense out of it all, and I think I am feeling more peaceful about the whole thing than ever before.

Thank you for assuring me that you DO mean well, as far as having my best interests at heart. Just to let you know, as a whole, I believe R is in the midst of repairing his treatment of me from 2009. I believe he is doing his best to change. He has asked me in three separate conversations how he can treat me better.

And he IS treating me better, and being more and more aware of when he is hurting me, and trying to NOT hurt me.

188 – He is not ignoring me at all right now. We are getting along fabulous, in daily communication, and I am not posting much because I feel vulnerable.

I am just trying to make sense of it all. I mainly broke down the perceived non-proposal in 2009. But the blow by blow stuff that happened in 2009 paralleled what I posted on traumatic bonding. It was NOT an isolated incident. It was a whole cycle of heart-fu/cking that led up to the mega heart fu/ck.

I no longer feel a need to keep rehashing 2009. That article showed me why I was. And now, like I said, I believe he is changing his behavior. I feel it…and it feels really good.

No, I am not delusional a little bit. In the past, Knock Softly related to me closely with another comparable relationship that was traumatic bonding. I felt thoroughly understood by her, and she knew I wasn’t delusional.

This is why I see i have to leave this alone. It is too deep and too psychologically disturbing to handle in this forum. I am very much grounded in reality.

I’m struggling with feeling very lonely and forgotten at night, I can’t seem to express correctly to my boyfriend how much I love when he takes the time out of his nightly activities to go to bed with me.
I just lay there trying to decide what to do.
I am ok with just snuggling myself and falling asleep, but I really feel the need to present him with a feeling message.
But every time I start, it comes out blaming and making him at fault. Please help, I can’t get this one right in my head:(

280 – I have heard a number of good approaches thru Rori and Christian Carter:

1. In a good moment, where you feel connected, you could say, “Remember that time when we went to be cuddling and….? That felt so good. I really miss that with you! What do you think?”

2. At a time other than bed time, you could say, “I feel lonely often at bedtime. It would feel so good to have my cuddle buddy in bed with me! What do you think?”

3. A more subtle way is to read a book and just be away from him, leaving welcoming space for him to come to you. But I am guessing you have already been doing this.

What I have learned for me is the key is to take all pressure off a relationship. I realized I was way too controlling with R. Now that I just am playful and let him come to me on his terms, it feels really good.

192 – Thank you! That feels really good to hear! I have been MAJORING in this stuff, and your feedback shows me that it really is solidifying!

I also notice myself interacting with my Mom this week. Over and over I feel triggered, deep, deep triggers from childhood. In the past, it would have been a shouting match.

Now, I am meeting most of her yelling, criticism, and blame with silence, or with a simple, quiet feeling message. And I am refusing to allow myself to be controlled. I am feeling capable of interacting with love and wisdom with her for the first time in my life. It is challenging, tho, and I feel drained after being with her since Wednesday. Sure do love her tho!

“I feel curious and wonder if you are really okay with seeing him without the kids, and also you both seeing other people?” We did this last january and it got us back together. He made it clear, and I did too, that he would not date other women. However, I did say that without a commitment, I would like to explore other options, he agreed although he said it would hurt him.

“If so it sounds like a great solution, actually, for you both to get your needs met and become more emotionally resourced.
I imagine it feels like a relief being able to give up trying to win over his kids and proving yourself to him, and I imagine it also feels like a relief to not have your son to have to deal with his kids anymore as well.” Yes, it does feel like a relief, but what I really want is another chance at being a family. I see it as an opportunity to reconnect with him as I agree that it comes from HIM (even if consciously about the kids). He needs to be inspired to find a solution and to want to make it work. The only way I see this possible is like we did in January is to see each other and bond and reconnect so that he can feel the drive to make something.

Yeah Memulo. But that was sharing facts. No apologizes. I would encourage you to accept as is. Men are very direct. If he wanted to apologize he would. I think he doesn’t even believe you are hurt or he did anything wrong. I would assume he believe everything is good between you.

He needs to be inspired to find a solution and to want to make it work. The only way I see this possible is like we did in January is to see each other and bond and reconnect so that he can feel the drive to make something.”

This my dear Siren Angel is taking control of the relationship and thinking you are a better man than him.

I just don’t know where exactly to go from here in any other way, because I feel he will not change his mind about the kids if we are apart. I am scared that he may eventually try with someone else.

I did put down some very clear ‘want’s and ‘dont wants’ on the table. Weekends, exclusivity, and so forth. He even said that it,s not about the sex, it’s about being together and connecting and cuddling.

Thank you Redlove for those ideas!
I find myself really struggling to keep it about me and not lean forward with this one.
I have been trying to be open and give him space, but he doesn’t notice it all it seems, when hes on his computer with heads phones on. (His normal routine)
I also was very controlling and leading about this in the past. as well as i would always go to him and say goodnight and ask for a kiss, now i don’t and there’s nothing offered in return:( i miss that connection so much, i am finding it hard not to stress over it.

Oh, Mr ‘I hate driving’ just sent me another email…asking me to tell him when I get in and offering to pick me up from the airport in case I don’t have a ride.
That’s pretty much unheard of as it is a massive round-trip for him. He never offered before, well he never knew exactly when I arrived. Now he wants to know lol. I feel surprised.
I shall let that one-sentence email unanswered….a friend will pick me up from the airport. It feels to much of an ‘assault’ to have him be the first thing I see…what do you think Sirens?
I’d feel better to let my friend pick me up.
I feel smiley, it’s more than two weeks…I wonder what got into him, this is really new.
hehe.

SA I feel afraid for you, and partly because my situation is similar in some ways and sometimes it doesn’t feel great. Although one positive is tht we’re not hiding TH from my children but I can understand why you wouldn’t want the kids getting confused.

Just put yourself and your needs first ok? And get into CDing as quickly as you can! It may be exactly the trigger he needs to realise what an amazing woman he’s about to lose from his life.

Just don’t put your life on hold for a man who may never offer you what you want, because the past doesn’t always predict the future.

Well said BW. It reminds me of Rori’s story how she left her husband and went on a date when he did not propose as he had promised. I believe she says she stayed in a hotel for the weekend of the date.

If a man tells us one thing about his thoughts or feelings (ie this is a friendship) and we continue to believe and try to convince others and ourselves and even him, aren’t we, in effect, calling him a liar?

“aaawww that feels so wonderful like the world is rolling out the red carpet for Princess Tam to step on as I arrive in Fl. Thank you so much, so kind of you. But my friend is picking me up”. That is my spontaneous reaction but Tameesing it would be best.

You’re not lost. You have remained strong in all this confusion. I agree though that this current situation doesn’t feel good to me. You know your situation best but from the outside it looks like he gets the best of you while you wait on him to catch up.

308 FW – yeah possibly. He’s normally pretty quiet anyway, and in the past I would try to fill the silence, but today I just walked along quietly beside him. It felt nice actually, and it was a beautiful morning.

“its like i throw a cover over my heart, which does feel achy and also my tummy feels tumbly and i feel weak and ill”

Thank you Daria. This brings a nauseous feeling in my tummy and my throat. It feels like tightening in my stomach and bitterness in my mouth. I feel tearyeyed and heartachy. I feel headachy and pounding over my left eye.

aaaahhhh sigh relaxxxx sink in

Thank you. This is the first time I am becoming aware of having these feelings around this issue. I intend to remove that blanket from over my heart.

SA, I am pretty sure you’re going to go ahead with this arrangement, despite all of our concerns for you, so I’m offering this little piece of advice as I’ve found myself in a similar situation.

When you go back home, it is important that you get as busy as you possibly can. That will mean that you won’t be nearly as available as you used to be.

I know that will be hard (because I wanted to be with TH), but keeping your original plans will significantly increase your degree of difficulty and he will be more inspired to “claim” you, if there is a chance of that happening.

He will most likely grumble about it (TH is KING of grumbling right now!), but it does work and it will also help you to feel a LOT more powerful and confident that you will be ok with or without him.

I hope you know that we’re all expressing concern purely because we love you. xxx

Thank you FW. I feel validated. I have been wanting to post that comment for a while now. My heart felt as if it would beat right out of my chest, I felt as if I would be inundated with posts from sirens that “no that’s not it in my case at all…”.
But I am guilty of doing this very thing because I wanted to believe so badly that he truly wanted more than what, in reality, he actually gave.
Maybe, that, in essence, is a true definition of the “imaginary relationship”. Ooohhh, my hands are shaking and my heart won’t settle down. I feel teary, I want a “real” relationship.
Men say their truth, but they will take whatever we are willing to give.

Yes, my fear right now is that he will meet someone else with who he will find it easier to start again with the kids from a fresh start.

I realize I am acting partly because of fear. I did tell him that I don’t feel it’s fair that I got the ‘adjustment’ period with the kids and that I would not date a man who is not divorced yet again because of this. My fear is that once the kids have adjusted and the divorce is finalized, it will be so much easier for him to put his foot down with the kids and start ‘fresh’.

But also, I don’t see how he can see clearly if we are not together so that he can feel my FMs and my leaning back.

You don’t want to hurt his feelings, you don’t want to start a fight, but you don’t want to your needs and feelings ignored forever, either.

Have you ever had a difficult subject you needed to discuss with your guy, such as:

* Where the relationship is headed
* He’s still involved with or spending too much time with his ex
* He’s been acting evasive and withdrawn
* You suspect he’s cheating
* Differences in money values or financial struggles
* Sexual issues (you want less or more, or something different)
* His dysfunctional relationship with his family or friends

…but you didn’t know where to start, or how to talk to him so that he’d LISTEN and UNDERSTAND where you’re coming from?

If so, I’d like to let you know that I’m offering a teleclass workshop on Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 5:30pm Pacific time entitled We Need To Talk, Bringing Up Touchy Subjects.

In this virtual workshop, you’ll learn how to create a positive, productive conversation that will make both of you feel heard and understood. You’ll learn how to be open and honest without creating conflict and negative feelings.

Men communicate differently than women. They respond to different triggers and they pay close attention when you use specific words and phrases and “tune out” when they think you’re just venting.

Most women don’t know this, and therefore they waste a lot of valuable time and energy worrying about how to approach their man or communicating in a way that’s COUNTER productive.

In this workshop, you’ll get specific techniques on how to bring up difficult topics with your boyfriend, husband, date, or just about ANYONE, and feel great about the process. If you’ve ever spent a day feeling angry or down at someone’s abrasive or insensitive words and behavior, you need to attend this virtual workshop.

Sign up now or visit the workshop information page here.

There IS a way to have loving, positive conversations around some of the most difficult topics. I look forward to showing you how.

The other thing that is strange is that now I am sending emails with feeling messages, he is ‘complaining’ that I am not as funny anymore.
I feel a little baffled by that. It is true, I am a very humorous person and we used to joke a lot also in emails and I know he loves this about me.
I am worried that all these feeling messages are, although authentic, not the ‘me’ that I know and he also knows. Normally I would write different.
He has noticed.
Hm. I feel like an actor or something. I don’t like this.

319 – Right! That’s better. Let’s keep him on his toes then. I still can’t get over the fact that he would make that round-trip just to pick me up from the airport.
Just goes to show – I do believe when they want to see us, they would cross the Antarctic.
If anything, it has made my resolve to look after myself even stronger. Because I don’t want any half-hearted men after me. I want one that wants to climb a mountain just so he can be with me.
This stuff works.
No more crumbs for me, I solemnly declare it here and now!

They don’t need you to come to meet their friends and family right away.

All most men need is someone cute, fun, and supportive.

Someone who believes in him.

Someone who thinks he’s smart, funny, sexy, and trustworthy.

Furthermore, in searching for a girlfriend, he doesn’t need a woman who is taller, smarter, richer, funnier or more educated than he is.

And at last, we’ve uncovered the secret to why dating is more difficult for women.

A man can date anyone who makes him feel good.

A woman – generally speaking – refuses to do so.

Not only do you insist that your man is more impressive than you are – which eliminates 90+% of men – but you insist that the remaining 10% of men also read your mind.

In your head, the right guy…

Never pressures you for sex before commitment…
Always remembers to pay and practices all forms of chivalry….
Makes it clear that you’re “the one” from the get-go….
Calls, emails, texts and makes plans every time you want to see him…
Has no selfish needs or bad habits whatsoever. His entire life is catered to figuring out ways to make you happy.
Men don’t need you to be in the top 90% of everything. We don’t need you to cater to our every desire. Our decision-making is generally much more straightforward.

If he takes you on a first date and you were fun, easygoing and sexy, you’ll go out again.

If you continue having fun, having foreplay, and having minimal conflict, you’ll become exclusive.

If he wants to get married someday and you’re the easygoing, fun, and sexy girlfriend, he’s probably going to propose to you.

If you’re married, he expects that you’ll still be as easygoing, fun and sexy as you were when you first dated.

That’s about all.

Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying here.

It’s not that you’re “wrong” for wanting a man to be the best he can be.

It’s just that your expectations are so much higher than ours.

And, as you’ve noticed, men always seem to fall short.

I’m not asking you to put up with some selfish jackass.

I’m asking you to put up with a guy like me. A guy who has a life of his own, opinions of his own, and a timetable of his own.”

Femininewoman – I rember lean forward as an advice for interviews and that it shows interest and confidence . It’s one of the things that confused me finding Rori. I guess it displays masculine energy which may (or may not) work in the interviewees favor.

I have a lunch date with JC today and he asked me if I could “squeeze him in” for a dinner date this week. I have been leaning way back since the last time I saw him when he did not get out of bed to see me out and then cancelled the plans we had to take my 18 year old shooting because it “might” rain.

Ok, so I did write back expressing that it would feel good and also a little exciting if he picked me up from the airport, but I have a ride already. I said that it feels good to know he could, just in case something goes wrong.
I most likely won’t hear from him now until I get there (normal), so I am going to use the next two weeks to totally focus on myself, I have appointments to get my teeth fixed (major scary stuff for me), get my hair done, lots of work, packing and general paperwork.
I shall try not to dwell on anything and go there with no expectations. I shall not lean forward and I shall not let him know I am there as soon as I land, he will be able to find out.
All is fine.
Breathing in and breathing out.
Love to me.

328…aw, curvy, thank you so much. Your messages are always so uplifting.
It’s funny that you are not surprised, because I am totally surprised. I have just not known this before, especially not when I am not actually there yet.
It feels good.
But yes, I have to be protective of myself, because I have been hurt before. Though I know him well enough to know that he is a good person and that he is doing the best he can. Else I would not even be there anymore.

Tam, yes- just be sure to stay aware of the “protectiveness”. You have been hurt before. We all have. But we still have to really keep our hearts and minds open to the story being different this time. Give him the chance to show you what he has to offer. Stay open and willing to to take that chance again…

331….Curvy, I will try my best! It’s a constant struggle for me to stay open and warm, because I have my own fear issues in the mix, but if I put them to the forefront, and go back to the old patterns, we both clam up and it’s a disaster…been there…that is where the hurt is and where it came from.
So a lot of work still to be done on me. But I do feel hopeful…and happy that you and the other ladies are here to help me. Actually, I feel rather privileged.
It is such a lovely thing.

By the way, now that I’m feeling softer and more integrated…
please do forgive me for casting you as the villain in my drama!
You were so very very right not to take the bait I was tossing and I feel so much gratitude for your wisdom.
You may have noticed from the riffs beforehand that I was dealing with wounded masculine energy. I felt so afraid of my violent feelings a few years ago that I completely shut down and went the opposite direction and became extremely passive for a few years. I refused to protect myself because I didn’t know any other way than violence.

The wounded masculine HATES weak, tender, feminine energy! In the days after I could feel it wanting to rip at something soft and I just noticed and held it and loved it and the experience of feeling like I was really standing up for myself has been incredibly healing. I knew something I had repressed was causing my back pain but it had felt too scary to face before – but it went from debilitating to hardly noticeable in those few moments.

I feel so much gratitude for ME!! I wanna hug and squeeze and kiss myself all over! I was so brave to explore all of those feelings! I was so brave to ride the trigger down to the terror! I was so brave to trust myself!

333…Sassy, he has some major problems/issues and it is not so straightforward….but he knows about them and he does the best he can.
This would be our 4th chance, which is why I feel wary and scared.
It is scary, and exciting, and I am well aware of the fact that if a relationship sprung out of this, it would be a very unconventional one, because he is eccentric and fiercely independent (but so am I).
The other thing is that he is moving away.
So….it’s all open.

On this day, please stand with me and all of America, to honor our fallen from the trajedy of 9/11/2001.
As recently as yesterday, there were reports of “fallout” from this in the way of cancers being suffered by the first responders/heroes/survivors.
We were pushed down, but we will NEVER be out.

Thank you for sharing your story. I had not been following along but I sensed or maybe kinda assumed that it was not about me. I resolved not to take any bait as I had learned from one of Rori’s interviews to not hook into drama. Now I feel so happy that I was able to practice not taking things personal and walk away. Truly though the experience had me look at myself and though some of your words didn’t feel soft I did learn some lessons from them. One in particular was that I do avoid confrontations, sometimes. Being the one who claims that I am hooked on adrenaline and love a good fight, that realization was surprising to me.

I did notice since then that your words include a lot of experience and wisdom. Thank you.

I am going to go with the flow on this one, and be open to explore the relationship with M without the kids – if there is a time set up to reintroduce the kids.

I know it will be hard on me, but what I need more than anything is your support so I am hoping that you will continue to support me here and in your thoughts and hearts, even though you may not agree with my stance.

I know I will need your help and advice, and there will be moments of anxiety and doubt, and moments where I just want to ‘be in a good place’ and will want to uplift my vibe.

Please continue to support me. I have done this in January with M, and things just worked magically when I was able to let him lead 100%. I know I will not convince him of anything, and any pushing will have the opposite effect, so I will leave the kids situation as is for now. I want to enjoy this moment as much as possible, because I do believe the attachment is there yet this man is able to put himself through torture and sacrifice for his kids. I need to take his ‘no’ as a ‘no’. And express my needs and keep my heart open, and explore and experiment this for any evolution to happen here.

((((((((((((Siren Angel))))))))))))))))))) Where my concern lie is that he said “friends”. So receiving his love in my mind is receiving what he will give as “love for a friend” while you are thinking romance. Men are clear about love and being “in love”. But I trust you will take care of yourself.

hey, daria! i wanted to tell you about this dream i had a while ago…. at the end of it, there was a big storm & i saw my “ancestral home” & then i went to a “learning place” & a group of animals all dressed up told me the lynxes were going to show me something & then i saw all the dead moving in the dust. it felt magical & like family.

i feel so curious about the things you were listing……. because when i was little i felt the river otter energy & then later i thought, oh, before i have been the tree… i remember the most dramatic & amazing dream about bison before the lynx dream too…… i saw an epic hunt frozen in bronze in a colossal cleared-out hall & i really wanted to show everyone

& i feel curious too if there are deer….

i feel kind of amazed to talk to someone about this actually : ) but i feel fine if you “don’t wanna” too : )

What I’m noticing is, the more often I write out the thoughts around hurt feelings, and feel the hurt, the more I laugh at myself and shake it off and choose to be confident instead.
More and more I see from my adult perspective, and find it laughable that a man getting up and moving away feels like danger. Especially, a man who is up to no good…I feel giggly and smiley now.
Yes! The men who are up to no good *should* be running away! My vibe is repelling him!

Something else I noticed about the former attraction with C, was a need to seduce – residue from sexual abuse (C was also sexually abused as a child). The more I noticed and felt love for myself, the more that has fallen away and more and more I am feeling so much satisfaction in simply BEing. I feel RELIEF from that need.

I’m feeling stronger, more secure. It’s almost like I used to feel like I was leaking, or that my insides were outside of me (continually longing) and now I feel like I’m all contained, all my guts are inside where they belong.

I can see more clearly now how I was trying to get my unmet childhood needs met in relationship…”you take care of my little girl and I’ll mother your little boy” and it feels so good for that to be falling away.

So I’ve had an email from strummingman everyday. This feels lovely and warm to have him thinking about me and him making contact.

I might not reply to his email until tomorrow though…

Or is this game playing? I Feel a bit like that. I feel like I should respond tonight but later would feel good. If I respond tomorrow I would be doing the purposely.

Hm why would I do this…Maybe I don’t want to feel like I’m appearing too keen, but then I’m not leaning forward and it’s been 24hrs nearly since the email so that’s not appearing too keen… Now I feel I’m overanalysing.

More and more I see from my adult perspective, and find it laughable that a man getting up and moving away feels like danger. Especially, a man who is up to no good…I feel giggly and smiley now.
Yes! The men who are up to no good *should* be running away! My vibe is repelling him!

Thanks FW. I was actually going to lean forward in my email. So thanks fir the reminder.

He has now settled into a job he enjoys which I feel so happy for him about. He said he had been up preparing stuff for his meeting and video conference, but he said I guess you wouldn’t be interested…? I took this as him wanting me to inquire about it, maybe it would make him feel good and important to tell me. My immediate response was I do feel interested. I’d love to hear. Is this leaning forward?

I do feel confused that you said you don’t want to sleep with him with no commitment.

And then later on said you would sleep with him but date others without commitment.

He has committed to nothing
The deal he is offering you is seeing each other with a ‘maybe’ deal in the future.
And his actions have proven that he doesn’t want to resolve the conflict re kids.

WOW so he gets to see you and have sex with you and then maybe in about six months or a year he might offer you a commitment. But at the moment he doesn’t see that as a possibility. But it’s still a possibility.
And all this without kids seeing each other.
So no solution of fixing the conflict then. Ok
His way of fixing it is to keep them and you and your child apart and avoid the conflict righteo. And how does that work later on then if this ‘maybe’ commitment then gets offered?

This conflict is frozen (STUCK) in time as no resolution has taken place.

I don’t think enquiring about something he would like to share with you, but is worried that you may not be interested, is leaning fwd, Smile.
You could say ‘it feels good to hear about it’ if you are genuinely interested. Men like it when we find them interesting and admire them a little for their work or hobbies – in my experience.

Just had lunch with JC. He said it felt like forever since he had seen me and I playfully reminded him that he was snuggled up in bed last time I saw him . . . He said he didn’t even remember me kissing him goodbye. I told him that I asked him if he wanted to let myself out and he said “Yes, sweetheart, if you want to . . . ” OMG – he looked mortified! Too funny! He said I should not have let him get away with that and next time to tell him to get his A$$ out of bed! I promised to do that.

Also – when he asked me what I was doing this weekend and I reminded him that I am taking my 18 year old son to Nashville to leave for Boot Camp he looked shocked again – He said, “Already?” – yes . . . .already, which is why I told you last weekend was our last opportunity to take him shooting. Whatever – I did not make a big deal of it. I could see him feeling guilty for ditching us, so i did not pile on. I stayed sweet and smiled at him (with my eyes too) and let him hold my hand and talk about going out of town together one weekend soon.

He also told me that he has lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks – that he wants me to be proud to be seen with him. I was surprised that he’d lost so much in just 2 weeks, but he said it was from chasing me – lol good one!

I haven’t had much time to read lately, but this posting caught my eye!

I think one of the last times I posted I was about to have two dates in the same weekend. One went well (I thought) and one did not. I did not hear from either man again, even though the one with whom things felt good suggested that night that we go out again the following weekend. I have had no dates since.

I’ve had a number of men in the last two weeks disappear on me when I tell them I can’t see them during the week but I’m available on weekends. That feels disappointing, but it’s true. I don’t finish with the daily things that I do (like going to school, taking care of my dog, running or going to the gym, and then planning, prepping, and/or grading) until after 9 pm. I just can’t fit even a coffee date into that and feel good and relaxed. But they’re not taking me up on my offers of weekend time, so they’re not right for me.

I’m going with a girlfriend to a match.com singles mixer next Monday. And I’m going Saturday with an acquaintance to a party thrown by a pair of his friends from meetup.com who met through that site and got married this summer. I’m feeling hopeful I’ll meet one or two men with whom there is a mutual interest in seeing each other again.

‘Friends’ was before I came over last night, when he suggested I stay at his place during the drying of my flooded place…

Last night he did not use the word ‘Friend’. Says he has had to sleep with a bug pillow and my silk nightie to be able to sleep, has cried, and has been really hurt this breakup. Has not had any inclination to go look on Match (like during last 2 breakups)… I really feel he’s not as far as he was gone last 2 breakups and this is a hiccup, and that like last times, probably faster the kiddies will be back in the picture.

And yes, I will send MYSELF a clear message by making a new online profile, on another site than Match. If he asks I will tell him. If not no. I’m sticking to the rules and we will see…. someone’s gotta try it for real, no? in a difficult situation? at least it will be an experience to remember and to learn from for us all here.

If JC will keep chasing me and if I can break my pattern of testing my man’s limits by pushing him away as hard as I can . . . we might have a chance.

JC has made it clear he does not want to date anyone else and he doesn’t want me to either. I have not made him any promisees, but he knows how crazy busy I stay and yet I always make time for him when he asks me out, so he likely knows I’m not dating anyone else.

What he does not know and what keeps me from letting this go too deep too fast is the knowledge that if GM asked me to spend time with him, I absolutely would. Absolutely, without question. I know myself and I know my heart’s desire. It’s easy for me to tell Siren Angel to be strong and not stay at M’s house, but who am I kidding? I would go stay with GM under any circumstances, just for the opportunity to breathe in my man crack one more time.

How can I committ myself to JC when I feel this way? When I know it might take YEARS to stop feeling this way? I can’t . . .and that’s ok with me. Time will tell if it is enough for him. He’s been married twice before and I don’t think he is in any big hurry to committ either – hopefully not. I’d really just like to relax and have some fun for a change!

last night i just puffed out a little “gosh, i feel bummed !” & cd turned his whole body to face me on the couch & said, “baby, what is it ?” & i just said, “awww, nothing, just getting used to being home & relaxing after work…” & he said, “well, just so you know, any time i hear you say, you feel bummed or you feel bad, i turn my entire focus – the entire focus of my being – onto fixing that & making you happy… so please don’t say that unless you actually have a problem” …. i just sat for a second & then grinned & said “ok” ……. then i said, “well, i feel so happy to sit next to you & share with you & play with you : )” & he cuddled up & it felt sweet & i felt more connected & like i “get it” maybe a bit more…

i feel a bit curious about the “too busy” for week dates…… just because I hear you saying “too busy” for Relationship in the phrasing of it……….. & i feel curious if maybe you “explained” or presented it differently, you might communicate a “softer” message ? i’m thinking like instead of “aw, it would feel good to meet, but i’m so busy i can only meet up on the weekends, what do you think ?” you could say something like, “aw, it would feel good to meet, but i feel better to get to know dates on my weekend time when i’m feeling more relaxed & fun, what do you think ? ” idk, what do you think?

I can’t help but notice how similar our situations are. Our relationships have always felt similar in lots of ways but it’s spooky both our men have lean forward recently and that were both about to move.

376 – Siren Angel – I know we all have reservations, but you have made your decision and now I feel a shift in me – to support you and even envy you a little – you feel like you have a chance to start again with the man you love – he has expressed himself to you and hopefully you have learned something about yourself and your patterns.

Maybe this time you two will find your way together and stay there. I wish you so much love and blessings! i will be watching and learning from your experience. If presented with an opportunity to try again with GM, I would take it in a heart beat!

@149 Lily Medusa – Thanks so much for your thoughts. I feel seen, heard, and important. Thank you. I had the dream in the middle of the night, and woke up from it at about 4 in the morning. I usually need to wake up for work around 6 in the morning.

I need to clarify that this guy was not my “ex.” I’ve never had an ex, as I’ve never had a real boyfriend. I’ve come extremely close, but I know, deep down, that the reason I haven’t had a real boyfriend by my late twenties is because every time I’ve come close, at the ages of 16, 18, 21, and 24, respectively, I have closed off my heart in fear and anger.

This guy “almost” asked me out on a real date to see a play, but changed his mind after calling me and hearing my thought-provoking voicemail message. I kid you not.

I wouldn’t call what I felt in the dream towards him “rage” necessarily. It was more kind of an irritated anger. Like he was in my way or something…

I think my flying could represent how good I feel in my life right now. Moving forward with my career, taking a class, trying out for a music program that felt really scary, but exciting. I’ve been asked to take leadership positions and to organize functions. I’ve been feeling deeply respected lately.

But I feel so hungry to feel love and cherished and protected. To be the kind of woman that CAN respect a man.

It’s almost as though romantic relationships themselves are what feel like my biggest hindrance. It’s the one thing in my life that I can’t seem to see to completion. I just want someone to ask me for a commitment, but it’s like I can’t give a commitment myself (to myself?,) so how can I expect someone to ask me for one?

I’ve gotten much better at leaning back and sinking into my feminine energy.

But I love my boy and everything he’s been doing! He’s amazing!

Hmm…I have a lot to chew on. I feel curious and a little scared. A little relieved and a little excited too. Thank you for your lovely thoughts, Lily Medusa!

Smile, I know! I felt that similarity also, and am wonderin what will happen with strummingman – when is he coming round, on the weekend?
Well, I am trying not to get too excited or have expectations, just trying to stay calm…but he has leant forward so much, it is really new for me and a little exciting. Hope it’s not because he feels safe as he is going away….moving away. I do wonder.

i actually just apologized to a co-worker because i felt like my “banter” had crossed a line into full-scale Competitive “against” a man i work with….

i’m not sure about you, but i notice that with myself it is usually an attempt to “show” the guy that i am “off-limits”…… & there are reasons why i have this fear, but it’s ok for me to let it go now. thank you

Tam, he’s coming round Saturday. It feels so great to have him emailing and making plans to get us tea. There is a very slight feeling of weariness coming through, but it feels very faint. I feel confident I will look after my best interests and acknowledge my feelings along the way.

The part that feels the best is that I feel Ive broken the cycle we were in. It’s true creating distance can inspire a man to chase you again .

I’ve got scripts up my sleeve to honour my feelings around emailing… I want this to be mixed in with meeting up and phone calls. Only emailing would not serve me right now. Also that when I move I’m going to be open to meeting other people.

If you have no expectations, it’s less likely to feel disappointing and surprises would feel great!!!!

Tam, I am feeling quite excited about your situation
I feel sure that you will handle it well

SA I can see you leaned back so much and brava for that(not sure i could have).But I feel anxious still.Can you keep doing that? Oh, I hope so! camt comment on the kiddy situ, not qualified as do not have any

Starla you sound GREAT.Im just feeling curious.Do you feel lack of internet access has “helped” in some way.
I am a bit of an on line junkie really

Mizz lamabutterly-I feel raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrh reading your post.Um, thats not a word, but thats what i felt.You are YOU.SHINE!

alpha men are more likely to “take the bait” when i am “playing that game” & ramp up their “interest” or participation in the conversation — but i notice that in these cases, i “cross lines” & “raise stakes” of the humor to show them i don’t respect them. ouch

Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it. I have a good feeling about this one… not a scared in the tummy vibe one. Yes, vulnerable… but imagine all the new FMs I will be able to invent and share! I feel excited just at the thought of it.

‘I feel vulnerable in this surrender’

Ahhh… sounds lovely and feminine!

One other thing M told me last night is that he loves my femininity and that I am the only one so feminine he has ever met! He says I am the perfect woman and trying to let go was so hard for him… yet I am convinced he would not have changed positions.

Oh yay! I just noticed an area where I have a victim mentality!!! I was just feeling really triggered about these two girls I know and thinking they were being catty, little biotches. And feeling really annoyed about how girls can just be catty in general and telling mr. Man that he doesnt understand because he’s a guy and guys don’t act like that. And basically feeling really triggered and feisty and thinking they were ganging up on me because they are jealous because I’m such a rockstar and and and

I feel excited that I was able to see my victim mentality and now I don’t know exactly what to do next but awareness of patterns is a great first step.

Now I guess I will feel my feelings about it.

I feel pissed. I feel angry. I think they were being catty but I could also totally be taking something personal that wasn’t personal. Maybe their attitudes weren’t even directed towards me? They are both going through some tough times. Maybe that was the energy I was picking up on.

They didn’t say anything rude to me. It was just weird because normally these two girls don’t even like each other. And now they are all buddy buddy and being snotty towards me?

Hmmmm, I’ve got some work to do here

I feel annoyed. I feel annoyed with myself too because I could be imagining all of this. I feel annoyed that I am even giving this any energy when I have so many other things I would like to put my energy into today.

I know lots of wonderful women. I am loved and appreciated. Awww, I love me. Maybe they are a little jealous. I do have a pretty great life. But they have great lives too. We are all equal. Separation is an illusion. I don’t have to go down that path.

This is some childhood trauma coming up. I’m a big girl now. Everything is gonna be okay.

Just be love and this will work itself out.

Stop giving energy to people you aren’t resonating with and remember all the people you are.

Ahhhh, yes. And I am about to leave on a fun adventure.

Let’s put energy into that.

I know you feel sad little girl. Hugs to you. You are love, you are loved. That cannot be changed. Let’s watch our thoughts and create beauty today.

Smile that sounds great!! Breaking the cycle!!! Feels like MrP and I have also..and he did most of it, I just stepped back. Still have major reservations, his sporadicness is one of them. But I see now that he only contacts when he has something to say, some news or a question. I can’t expect an alpha male (Marlborough man) with few words, to start behaving like a woman.
So I don’t anymore!

ruth, i “swam the channel” at the ymca when i was little : ))) i thought it felt fun & i felt really strong…. that was the first time i started to “exercise” outside of school & sports & i finally felt like a real human : )) i feel so scared when i’m about to do a physical challenge & there are other people who “care” “how” i do……. kind of shut down – like, ok, well, better to get eaten by lions than laughed at lol….

uhoh i was feeling sooo hungry and i canceled on my firend here when she said we werent going somewhere whwere we can eat and then explained over text and now i called And texted her again and now i feel … vulnerable

and also i felt pist that they would select a place to go with no food knowing that i like food out and i felt mad actually super mad about that cuz i was hungry and had planned my meal around going out

but now i ate a lil bit and am feeling more calm and am feeling scared taht i was ‘a bitch’ by saying im not going and

just feeling all panicked and like i dont deserve/ cant handle friends and

400 SA – That’s what a Siren is for . . . To beg you not to jump off the cliff, but once you do . . . yell, “Swim, Swim, Swim” . . . lol. It’s not like you can turn back now – go for it with everything you’ve got and be his SIREN – the man doesn’t stand a chance! Enjoy this time ~

uhoh i was feeling sooo hungry and i canceled on my firend here when she said we werent going somewhere whwere we can eat and then explained over text and now i called And texted her again and now i feel … vulnerable

and also i felt pist that they would select a place to go with no food knowing that i like food out and i felt mad actually super mad about that cuz i was hungry and had planned my meal around going out

but now i ate a lil bit and am feeling more calm and am feeling scared taht i was ‘a bit*ch’ by saying im not going and

just feeling all panicked and like i dont deserve/ cant handle friends and

she texted back shes not mad. i feel relieved. theyre already out tho… dang it woulda felt fun to go out with them after all. but i got the impression tehy were going to a dance club and now it seems theyre just out for a juice… so not as much CD possibility anyway

And I also realize that I feel triggered because I am not expressing my boundary with the band because I have a really complicated part and I have been having to play by myself lately because one guy got kicked out/quit and the other girl hasn’t been coming to practice lately, so I have a lot to cover and it feels physically exhausting. It also feels awesome. I feel kinda rockstar-ish because I am holding down such a complex part on my own, but I need some support. Or I need to start training and build up my physical stamina. I feel unsure of what the answer is just yet, but I’m starting to realize I might need some help.

Just a thought, and i amy be *way* off beam here
But part of my wanting to be in control and organise things and be in boy energy and be strong stems from a massive need to be a prefectionist
Which may just be me, but may also have roots in never feeling *good enough*, however successful i was

ruth, when i don’t feel like it, i don’t make myself eat dinner. i just cover up the plate well & wake super early & have a triple extra good breakfast & i love it & i feel so good to eat lots of food first thing in the morning : )) waking hungry feels good to me (but i do make sure i’m up extra early if i skip so i can catch it before the low blood sugar…)

the flip side for me is if i eat & then sleep too soon, my body stops trying to digest while i sleep & i feel sick in the morning : ( so better i say to eat happily tomorrow than forcibly today lol

i was in therapy for a few years for “ocd”…. & i remember the poor lady asking me over & over “why ?” & every time i would try telling her….. how the world looked like Geometry to me, & i really really did not want the whole thing to “fall apart” because *i* could not figure out a way to be a “perfect” 90-degree angle.

Hi Ruth, I play in a funky, percussion, hip hop band. It’s kinda like a marching band but we actually don’t do that much marching. It’s kinda hard to describe. We also have an electronic element and have lots of guest MC’s.

I play a big bass drum that I have strapped to my hips. Its really fun and physically and mentally challenging. We aren’t super big or anything but have become pretty popular in my area.

It feels really fun to be a part of.

I realized though, through my process that a lot of my anger and frustration has to do more with not taking care of myself and expressing my needs within the band, more than about those catty

Siren Angel the comments about last night sounds like he is invested. I know each situation is different and you are in it. I can only encourage you to stand by yourself and pay attention to your intuition.

I know of coaches who suggest taking risks when the man is invested. One risk is stepping away from him. Sorry to say it but the hugging the pillow conversation reminded me of Eat, Pray, Love where the author suggests we use each other to scratch an itch. I see your situation as a crisis that he is rescuing you from not one where he missed you so badly that he collapsed on himself and came on bended knees. However, what you wrote suggests that his energy is coming towards you so I can only wish you the best and hope it all works out. However, just because he did not use the “friend” word does not mean he is not thinking it. If he brings up the conversation again I would want to know what he sees for us. Particularly if there is no sex.

laughing goddess, i feel actually super amused because for the life of me, i cannot STOP. wanting to “explain” a few things to you……. LOL & it has me really crxcking up…… “because” — i can kind of feel my Warrior energy like….. “sharpening my weapons” lol & i super don’t want to “go to battle” “against” you at all. not only because you explicitly requested it, but because it feels like “exactly what we were talking about” lol…. anywayz…. shy smile : )

I am in boy energy for a LOT of the time
Not just work, though I do have to be there
Unless its quiet and then i can just laugh and joke and be *me* with my patients

but sometimes it does feel as though being in boy energy holds me together

Im not so good at letting go control
I dont think letting go of control is a bad thing, not at all, but it sometimes feels unsafe
And so much of my life has been in flux over the last fe years that sometimes I cling to control as a life raft

I totally felt like this at first. Now I feel differently. I managed to have a 10 year relationship being totally in boy energy. However it didn’t give me the connected relationship I’m looking for. I only realise that now. That’s why I’m here.

Also I have discovered that I use to view woman with strong boundaries as in masculine energy. This perception of mine feels alien now.

448..ooooh Smile, I’d love to hear you speak.
My accent, well, mad basically, not German (apparently). When I first moved to the Channel Islands after having been in Wales, people thought I was Welsh..haha..but I lost that again and now I just sound weird apparently, nobody knows where I am from, Americans think I am British, Brits think I am ‘maybe’ British but not from their parts…so I have no idea what I sound like!
I am just a mix, me.

Mostly, its my experience too
But sometimes i am surprised
Hm, I dunno, maybe we are just trying too hard

I dont like the idea of roles either

I really dont
It feels like it ought to come naturally

Hm

Need to think

I would like everyone to be on an even level in my team , but that does not always happen and there is conflict.Ok, this is work related, but there is a bit of overlap.When it works for a woman and a man, you can vary the roles, no? Would have to be a *very* solid relationship , no?

..there was a funny moment when MrP said we go to watch the Hockey, except he said ‘Hackey’….nice American pronounciation. And I sat in the car saying quietly to myself ‘Hockey, Hackey, Hockey…hmmm..but it has an ‘o’ in it’ and then he said ‘ ‘Hockey’ then’ . And I laughed a lot.
I LOVE language and accents…looooove it.

Tomorrow I take my 20 year old to the Children’s Hospital a couple of hours from home to have his Bone Marrow tested. He has been taking Chemo for Childhood Leukemia for 2 1/2 years. If he is clear tomorrow, he gets to stop taking the chemo and I am terrified! I have a sense of reasurance when he is taking his meds . . . the Leukemia can’t come back and no other ugly form of Cancer is likely to crop up, but once he stops . . . every time we go get his blood checked (monthly for the next 5 years!), I am going to feel a panic in my chest. Being the single Mother of 3 young men is tough . . . doing it with Feminine Energy is tougher . . . I need my Boy Energy for so much!

Smile, yes I could get a gravatar but I don’t want people to start recognising me as I have talked too much already…hehe.
Are you on Siren Island?
You should get on there, if not….we can all see each other/photos etc. It’s a secret group so feels safe from prying eyes

For me, I don’t really see ‘roles’ so much as I see energy. Both partners just ‘do what they’re doing’ and we respond to the energy that the ‘doing’ gives off.

Like, if he’s got a negative, grumpy energy… I can choose to respond by trying to “change” his energy, or I can choose to move toward some more positive energy. I prefer the latter. I’m just doing what I’m doing (choosing happiness) despite his mood.

If I’m feeling all disconnected and lonely and like my energy circuit’s broken, I can choose to spit out sparks and likely keep my partner away… or I can choose to mend the disconnect within myself. I can choose to take that reaching, chasing, grabbing energy and give it back to myself so that I can re-balance my power-supply. Spewed sparks are wasted energy.

I’m not feeling sure if this is making much sense… but mostly, what I’m getting at is that it doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, each action (choice) will have a corresponding reaction. And you make those choices based on your ‘best’ in any given moment.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers, Sirens. between my baby going away to USMC Boot Camp for 3 months (he leaves in 6 days and we will have zero contact other than letters for 3 months) and my middle son getting his bone marrow test and my oldest son being away for 2 weeks with work, I’m feeling a little lost right now. I have been cooking a lot of comfort food for myself and the boys . . . not sure what else to do. Breathe . . . eat . . . repeat ~

Ruth you want to be?
It’s just a case of Radlove adding you, if you are on fb…I think. I don’t know who does what but that’s how I got on. It’s really nice to see everyone though.
I wish someone who knew how the ‘proper adding procedure’ is, would comment..urgh.

(((((((((ruth))))))))) i noticed that i was actually excluding myself from joining the siren fb…. just to avoid the feeling of “being excluded” – so that i could feel i was “making a choice”…. & actually i enjoy the siren page i created : ) i made a separate profile & i use it more than my “real” one : ) lol

aww ruth… i def want u on siren island. im not an admin but one will show up soon and see you want to be on there and add you. maybe i will ask to be an admin, even tho now i feel scared to do that – my stuff hehe

i suddenly just felt really really proud of myself for joining a sorority & going through Rush in college. that is SUPER uncharacteristic of me. pats self on the back. hooray, little girl.

& actually i’m feeling amused & foggy…. my “most likely” in high school was “most likely to join a fraternity” LOL……. & i just started to “analyze” myself, with an eye sharpened for “criticism” mode, & realized i don’t have to give that a bunch of “meaning”

” The only way I see this possible is like we did in January is to see each other and bond and reconnect so that he can feel the drive to make something.”

SA this is exactly what i mean about how we talk ourselves into accepting things. He did it in January , AND? How successful was it to getting your ever after??
He is repeating a pattern , just as Lauren says above.

And the way you are seeing his possibilities, seems like its his potential, not his actual that you want.
If you dont want a partial togetherness which is not inclusive of family and in which you are the sexy secret friend, then its not the relationship you want.

If you want the whole shebang then that is his potential you are in love with and so his pattern is to approach it then run in the opposite direction as soon as the hurdle appears.

This is out of concern for ((((you.)))))
I was the queen of hopeful loyalty once upon a time .

RUTH – I have been on the blog quite a while and just joined the FB group 2 weeks ago. The ASIrens don’t usually make a big deal of inviting people to join since it is so important that it stay private . . . once you are on the blog and reading it daily for long enough, you wills ee mention of it, like you did today and if you ask, you can be added. Not everyone who is on the blog is on Siren Island. I know you a recognizing it as YOUR own trigger, but take it from me and let it go . . . an Admin will see your interst and tell you how to be added. See you there

Annie it feels horrible to hear of a separate group *repeatedly *on here where people share stuff
but some are excluded
Accept this is a big trigger for me-it really is-and on that note i will bid you good night before i get any more upset and say stuff i will regret tomorrow

@517 – From what I have seen, the difference is that we live by FB rules on SIren Island . . . not Blog rules and you will see the Sirens (Many of them) real names and pictures and you can friend them on FB and see their lives . . . You can post pics there, etc.

“400 SA – That’s what a Siren is for . . . To beg you not to jump off the cliff, but once you do . . . yell, “Swim, Swim, Swim” . . . lol. It’s not like you can turn back now – go for it with everything you’ve got and be his SIREN – the man doesn’t stand a chance! Enjoy this time ~”

Awww… thank you Calypso! Yes, I know this means I have to be even more of a Siren!

Thank you. You are so wise, and yes I feel he is invested in this and has not ‘let go’ yet and doesn’t really want to, but will for the kids no matter what UNLESS something can change with the kids. The only way here is to build. Yes, there will be more sex, but only if it is exclusive. This was made very clear. And I reserve the right to date other men right now as marriage is not on the table. I have a big heart and I love him but I know I want a house on this island and a big rock on my finger.

Now I feel triggered…why does he ask me my opinion on moving away and keeping a property in Florida?
It feels bad to me to ‘advise’ him on moving away, as it’s sad he is moving.
All this getting close and then moving away, urgh, it just triggers me, like ‘what’s the point?’

One of our biggest challenges occurs when someone we love attacks us for feeling or doing something that we did not feel or do – something that is likely a projection of their own self-abandonment. The challenge is not to argue or defend, but to feel your sadness, loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness with deep compassion for yourself, for a long as it takes for the feelings to release. ”

wow this is what im processing

sigh pff

rolls eyes

still processing after 8 months

i feel frustrated

i feel guilty

im missing out on being there for the kids! – this isnt true im in romania

534..mmmh, FW, thank you. I see it just as a way to make contact, he was asking stuff that led on from the previous email. He doesn’t know that I don’t like discussing his impending move away…I just hope this isn’t all he will talk about.
Yes, best to ‘nip it in the bud’ now.

“Some researchers, such as Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of “The Biology of Belief,” State that 90% of illness is stress-related. Loneliness is a huge stress. We are social beings – not meant to live alone. Yet our society is geared to create loneliness rather than connection and community.

While loneliness is a huge stress, there are also many challenges when it comes to living with others. Here is what I often hear from my clients:

“I’d rather live alone than live with a controlling person. And I can’t find anyone who is not needy and controlling.”

“Every time I get into a relationship, I end up feeling hurt in one way or another. This seems more stressful to me than living alone.”

“The pain of loss is too great. I’d rather not risk it.”

“I do fine alone, but as soon as I’m in a relationship, I give myself up.”

“Relationships are too hard and stressful. I’d rather be alone.”

What’s The Answer?

Living alone and being lonely is stressful, and often living with someone else is stressful.

The answer lies in being open to learning about loving yourself. If it is more loving to yourself and much less stressful for you to be alone, and loneliness is not a huge issue for you, then living alone may be in your highest good. But if loneliness is painful for you, then being open to learning about how to take loving care of yourself within relationships is likely what is loving to you.

Relationships offer an incredible arena for personal and spiritual growth. They trigger every unresolved and unhealed issue – fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of engulfment, fear of conflict, fear of intimacy. This is why relationships are stressful – they challenge us to deal with our deepest fears. And, in accepting this challenge, we learn and grow.

However, many people are just as lonely in a relationship as in being alone – if not even more so. When people choose to protect against their fears rather than learn from them, and when they choose to try to control others rather than learn to be loving to themselves and others, it can be very lonely for both partners.

In the town of Roseto, mentioned above, the one thing that creates the lack of heart attacks is CARING. In Roseto, the people care about each other. They look out for each other. They support each other and take care of those who need caregiving. They accept each other.

They don’t have heart attacks because they feel safe, and the sense of safety takes away the stress that causes illness. They know that they will never be on the streets starving. They know they will never be ill and left alone to fend for themselves. They have each others’ backs.

What would you give to know that the people around you and in your community have your back? And that you have theirs.

This caring about each other is what is missing in much of our society, both within our primary relationships and within our communities. Without this caring, we don’t feel safe. Even if we are good at taking care of ourselves, we still need to know that we are not alone – that others care enough to be there for us when we have the need.

How can we move toward creating caring communities? By being willing to do our own Inner Bonding work so that we can open our hearts to each other.”

Margaret paul from inner bonding

this feels triggering

i feel like yelling FUCHK U!

what would you give to have this? um like WTF like my arm right?

WTF

i want this and the article is all like, you need this

well gee thanks

i feel pist!

i want this so much

this is way what i want

i don’t even know if i really want a man

honeslyt i could care less

i want a community!

THAT feels important to me

i only know i want a man cuz the few times i did fall in love – get invested/connected/ addicted? whatever

i felt like i wanted to be married

but when im not in that mode with a guy, i feel no desire for relationship

i feel CONSTANT longing and pinenyenss for epople to have my back and for community

((((((Siren Angel)))))) i honestly feel excited like an adrenaline rush hearing you decide to give M a chance to set it up anew in a way that could feel good to you both…….. it sounds “scary” to me – but, it sounds very interesting. also, i don’t think it’s necessarily “risky” or anything, as long as you practice being wayyy open – with your Feelings, sharing them, & with your Boundaries, living them, & with your thoughts & “assessments” of “doing it right” or even “doing it quickly,” allowing him to Lead & see if it’s Where You Want to go …. so, yes, i support you : )) i feel a bit “off” actually to say that….. kind of feel like “i’m not enough” to share this but… hitting submit : )

I am way behind :p Just got home from work. I feel energized, and productive. It feels good to work. It feels amazing to have my goals firmly in place and take action.

I saw a quote today:

Glory lies in the persuit of ones goals, not in reaching them.

Letting this concept and the feelings it evokes float all around me today. And tomorrow. And every day for the rest of my life.

Now i’m gonna go do yoga, have a blissfully hot shower and rub cocoa butter on every inch of my skin. Then, i’m gonna pour myself a glass of wine, sink into content femininity, lean back, and wait for the man to get home from work.

So what is the Universe trying to tell me when almost all of my matches and almost all of the men who contact me on all three dating sites I frequent are Catholic, and most of those profess a strong relationship with the Lord? Been there, done that, it didn’t work, and I do not feel interested in drinking that KoolAid again, thank you very much!

I had my doubts about dating someone who was Catholic when I got with PriestCD, and he confirmed my worst fears about what that would be like. I don’t think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, because there was no way I could have known just how deep he was into his faith and obedience to Catholic dogma when we started dating, but he proved to be everything I thought being a “good Catholic,” and thus incompatible with me, would be. But the fact remains that I want to RUN from these men who are contacting me now!

((((siren angel)))) trust yourself. I think this is your opportunity for a do over. It seems he loves you and is conflicted so be the magnet you are and keep asking for and in tune with what you want xo

i feel worried that ill have that community feeling for like 10 years, and then lose it all

like my parents,

then i had my street fam

now the blog

ack im jinxing msyefl ufptft

i read that the skunk was my totem before adn teh skunk is in 10 year cycles of community slash lonerness uff and that felt triggering

i want to heal this

i feel sooo desperate adn disappointed that im not close to my street fam anymore wow i mean i felt SO GREATFUL TO GOD that i had tehm in my life but they still slipped away from me

it felt so good and so ‘right’ and for so long i mean how could i see it disintegrating…

and i feel worried this will happen with my future family too

and im so freaknig feeling frustrated of feelign lonely even though now i am not acting out to chase anymore

mmm

maybe im on the threshold of healing this

so triggered thinking of feeling so left out in US elementary and middleschool

and so angry

feeling so flat/numb

and just waiting waitng waiting strategizing waiting for the moment to prove msyelf and connect and be in the in crowd

liekt ath one girl told me eventually people get in where they belong

and i waited and then my street fam came and i was like OH WOW GOD HEARD ME ! HE HEARD ME IM SO BLESSED

ahhhh

feeling sad

now theres nothing

not even best friend

well i ahve the ability to connect to almost every street stranger but id have to chase em down after and….

and i dono…

so triggered when i see guys videos and i know theyre lives are so unlonely cuz i used to be one of them and never feel lonely wehn i had like 10 calls everymorning and

people would call int he morning or at nite or i would and we’d connect EVERY nite and laugh and be together

ohhhhhh

and i see my brothers videos and its like, ywan he stretches, lights up his weed, picks up teh phone, his friend is calling, friend pulls up in teh car, they ride off together

and im like MFFFFF NOBODY IS COMING TO PICK ME UP LIKE TAHT FIRST THING INT HE MORNING NO BIG DEAL

well my girl might sometimes but not all teh times and not in that fun relaxed everyday way like hey i cant wait to get up to cnnect w my friend way

umph eye roll

i seem to be having more thoughts of just ‘im tired of life’ and i wonder if its cuz i healed down to more stuffed stuff

and also worrying i might die if i dont very solidly ‘cling’ or get involved into feeling happy

i remember my friend died when he was talking about changing his life and then bam he died he was like jezus to us well to me he uplifted my self esteem in that deep way and he woulda wanted to be with me and he made me part of our fam in a way he accepted me and made it fun to be with our fam

ramble sigh

all this lonely sad stuff

i think it comes from parents going out and leaving me alone, when they go to work or out at nite, or have parties/friends over in the other room while im in my room sleeping with lights off and being excluded

i want to heal this and i dont want to tap on it right now, i dont watnt o tap on it because

i feel afraid i dont know waht will happen what it will feel like without this desire to be part of community

ouch to think some people never felt the amazingness of it their lives seem so boring i feel so disconnected and judgemental and walled off from them

i want to heal all this

i feel overwhelmed

i feel like a ‘loner’

actually i think a ‘loner’ is a cool strategy to get community cuz its ‘cool’ in a way to be a loner so it KINDA works for me to attract people and attention, but also doesn’t work cuz i behave in ways that continue having me be a loner, to attract them, and well i must continue Being a loner to attract them which means lonelyiness so it kinda gets ciruclar

but if im not a loner then maybe i have to admit that i aint shit and nobody and just a girl all alone with no blood family thousands of miles from home who doesnt really have people all like that back here either well i do have fam but ive grwon my spirit and want to have the people i want over THERE in teh us and that lovely free spirit feeling i discovered there where not everyone is trying to work hard at a job and worry about life and

its just hopeless like myh physical odds are just really really bad

but its all about infinite possibility

my dad says its about physical odds hes

a really good magician and holds on hard to life with a lotta fear and i dont want tthat

but when i go out on my own they judge me and try to do stuff to me like lock me up

i feel crying

and again the ‘im through with this life’ thought

oh and i see the ‘they’ thoguht

this might be past life traumas stuck n my tissues it seems so

keep on stretching and healing

maybe this is my pond being stirred up and soon it will clear

what is the secret how can i Always have community and never worry about being alone?

how do i get people to finally want to pick me up and be aroudn me without me using my masculine energy to do stuff for them and chase them

im gonna try to be more … gooder at making songs so that im SO cool that everyones like wow and then surely they will want to be around me

but it feels challenging and hard to do it by myself mmmffffff

to take myself out by myself to events that people go in a crowd to ALWAYS by myself eye rolll

and yes i meet people and feel all star like but at the end those people dont come pick me up everyday

Tam I feel so excited for you. I feel like I’m watching mr p doing his best to have a relationship with you as bet he can. How sweet of him to offer to pick you up! I have to say if it were me I would have let him do it as it would be a good pattern to encourage

Can you take a risk and say I have mixed feelings about you leaving Florida?

Also my new personal red flag is if a man asks me for advice. I won’t go there. I don’t want to give advice. That is not a role I’m interested in any longer. I will share how I feel but I don’t want to give advice to any men.

Lionman and I are still in the boat! I’m not rowing and he’s is experimenting with taking up the oars. He rows a bit then drops them again so we are not getting very far but I feel confident he is getting the hang of it.

Oh where was Rori years ago when I was leading our relationship, organizing our social calendar, organizing him. Ugh. How did it happen? I really don’t understand how the energy exchange went from him being masculine to me leading all in the first few years.

Ruth I too have an enormous trigger around being excluded. Huge. For some reason I don’t feel tht around the fb page cos I know all it takes is for me to ask. But it is a huge one for me.

Bloom-ing, after striking out with a couple, I tried the softer approach. I wrote something like, “I don’t feel good trying to squeeze a date in on a work day; I want to feel relaxed and comfortable when meeting a man. I’m available on Friday.” and he still poofed.

Yes, I so know the feeling of having trouble respecting men. Respecting my dad was something my mom has never done…I feel that.

Ruth – Thank you!

Yes, I hope I have the sex thing sorted. But it is sooo powerful. Especially when I dreamt about him! And when I know how turned on he is by me.

But it doesn’t feel right. If I am supposed to be trial-dating this other guy, and if he wants to take it seriously, then I need to take it seriously. I don’t feel right having such sexy conversations with vman when I don’t know for sure that he wants anything else.

Actually, I suspect that he does. And maybe he would make more of a move, if I were not “dating” this other guy. But on the other hand, I don’t like the feeling of “cheating.” If I were “dating” – even trial-dating him – would he want me to have sexy text conversations with another guy? I bet not.

But I just had what I think was an amazing breakthrough moment. With all these thoughts and feelings swirling about in my mind, I had the urge to write to vman and let him know where I was at. As in, tell him that I wanted to slow down the sexting and keep it friendly, and why.

But then I realized that that just wasn’t necessary, and also not even a good idea. Why bring him in on that? I have the power to stop any time. I don’t need to make explanations.

And the real thing of it is that if I were to write what I’d been planning to write, I essentially would be trying to make him somehow responsible for my own actions. But he’s not responsible. Even if he is tempting and he is there, and I feel so drawn to him. He is not responsible for me choosing to continue the conversation with him.

And I don’t need to make an “issue” of it. Guys hate “issues.” (most guys.) So why make a big thing out of it?

I made one comment this a.m. by text, saying that it was too sexy for me, and I needed to back off. And then I did. I think that’s enough.

On the other hand, I cannot deny how attracted I feel toward vman. It is a very strong, powerful, instinctive pull. I can’t explain or describe it, because I’ve never felt it with anyone else. And no one has been able to turn me on like he could before. (And I’m sure he still could now.) My feelings for him have never really left. I’ve missed him and kind of wanted to hear from him. And now I have. And it’s nice. I’m enjoying it.

Funny story – just before he went on his vacation, he found a heart-shaped necklace that I had left at his house, and had totally forgotten about. He returned it to me on Sunday. (And now I can’t find it. lol)

Also, he has come through for me in some interesting ways, lately. He’s been supportive, emotionally, NOT just sexy-talking. And he’s listened to me without judging me. We’ve shared a lot of secrets that neither of us have told anyone. He’s even indicated some things he’d like to do for me. I’ve felt softness and compassion, and I feel that he really has grown in the last few months. He seems to be different than when I knew him before. And I’m not sure if that’s good for me, or not. Just different. And some of it feels really nice, and it makes me wonder…

Ruth, I am so with you on the feelings of exclusion from childhood. We moved around a lot until I was 13, very difficult to establish roots, friendships, etc. and I do still get triggered. I wish you could just express your feelings about it here, we are here to support you and love you no matter what.

I also choose to not be on the FB page. I only feel excluded when mention of different things (like Flowerchilds son)
makes it onto the blog.

I’ve chosen not to be on the FB page too. For me, it’s simply because I’m trying to have some control over the electronic input in my life. I like that it’s my choice to come here to the blog and I don’t necessarily want/need anymore stimulation pushed into my FB feed. I may decide to join one day, who knows.

To clarify, if it hasn’t be yet, there are two spots where sirens gather, here and the private FB page. I’ve heard both referred to as Siren Island, which can be confusing. The FB page isn’t Rori sanctioned. It’s a side group that was created by some sirens to get to know each other personally, share pics, and feel more free to discuss things that are off-topic.

I’d also love to share more about my process as I was writing that and what I realized afterwards but I feel so overwhelmed because I am leaving town tomorrow to meet Mr. man’s fam for the first time and I do not feel prepared at all. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around much else atm.

Just trying to stay calm and trust that everything will work out.

And I feel sooooo frustrated because I just came home and my dog destroyed this new winter hat I just bought which was not cheap. So rude! Lol

Aww, thanks for asking about YouTube or FB. I feel moved by your interest in what I do. I’m not quite ready to share publicly because I noticed when I am anonymous here, I feel more safe to discuss and share things that I normally wouldn’t feel safe doing.

Belle: I don’t think I ever said thank you for the music rec’s the other day. Michael Bethwith(?) was a great one. Im hadn’t listened to him before but he’s right up my alley. And Rab, omg, he’s been one of my fav’s for a while now. Words cannot even say.

I don’t get how I’m supposed to have time for dating if I’m living my life and doing the things I want to be doing for me.

I run and am in training for two half-marathons this fall. Thus, I have to run on at least two school nights. I don’t like my body, so I am going to the gym to tone up and lose weight. I do that three nights per week. This is me taking care of me and making the changes that are important to me.

That leaves me with late Friday night, Saturdays, and Sundays to go on dates. I have to run Saturdays and Sundays to get a total of four runs in each week, so I can do that in the morning if I have afternoon/evening plans. But starting in a few weeks, I’m going to be taking my school’s Academic Challenge team to tournaments on Saturdays. I am the coach, so this is part of my job and I am getting paid to take them. That is an all-day thing: at school by 7 am, back at school between 5 and 6 pm. I’ll have to run after that to keep up my training. So Saturdays will soon be out for going on dates, at least until the end of October when I’m done competing for the season.

There aren’t very many days per week when I can skip doing school work in the evening; if I skip even one day during the week, that just loads up how much I have to get done in the rest of the week. Like, I skipped last night, and now have several more hours of work to do tonight (so I’ll be getting off here momentarily!).

I feel frustrated trying to live my life and do not only the things I’m required to do but also the things I want to do to improve myself, and also to make time to date and meet someone. What am I supposed to do? I feel helpless and hopeless.

But the other thing that I can’t deny is that, even with all of the good stuff, I am sometimes or even often left with an uneasy feeling around vman. He can be great. He can even help me feel relaxed when I’m stressed. But overall, I don’t feel “relaxed” about him. And I can’t explain that, either. Would it feel better if he simply said to me, “I want you to be my person?” Who knows.

I know that I DID feel that way – relaxed and at ease and secure – when, after TBF and I talked about it, he made it clear that he DID want me to be his “person.” It was like, “ahhhh” – there it is.

I no longer have to stress about it.

I have a person.

It’s not perfect. He’s not perfect. But I don’t have to worry about whether or not there is “something” there. Because there definitely is…

And I don’t need to waste so much time on vman, when he’s not my person.

Just a distraction. Just a tempting snack. Just a diversion that gets my mind going, and my juices flowing. I may dream and imagine he is “there for me.” But it’s just fantasy. Unless it becomes something real. Unless or until I see something different, then it only is what I have in front of me…

Also, one more thing about the FB group. I think it’s private because sirens didn’t want what they posted to show up on their non-Rori friend’s feeds, not because they wanted to be exclusionary. I’m pretty sure any siren is welcome to join.

570 re the FB group – it’s classified as a “secret” group too, so it can’t be searched for in google. And you can only join if an admin adds you.

I’m an admin, and so is Radlove and I think Jenny is too.

What I like about it is that we can see each other’s faces and pictures, and some sirens have actually created separate FB profiles in their blog name (or whatever they want) and become a member with that profile rather than their real one, to further protect their identity.

It’s also great because we can chat to other sirens via IM too. At least one of the members has been there for me late at night via chat, and it’s really helped me during some really tough times.

Rori is also a member although she’s not very active, and we are lucky to have Dominique over there too.

I deactivated my OkCupid and PoF accounts. Match expires at the end of the month and I wasn’t going to renew it anyway.

I’m done. This is too much work for my boy to handle and my girl feels awful anyway. Maybe in another decade I’ll feel a mutual attraction with someone I meet in person again. But I’m done with online dating. Why didn’t I think of this sooner instead of agonizing over how to go on dates with men?

It feels strange to still lean back.. I am not sure it’s the right thing to do.. Maybe it is and I don’t see it? It feels like I am holding a mean silence.. when I am not. He did tell me a couple of times recently – you know, you can call me too. His last text sounds like he is trying to explain things and he cares to explain. Is it right to still be silent?

On the plus side, having vman around means that I am not “obsessing” about tbf. He’s just a guy. It’s not set in stone. Nothing is “in the bag.” it’s not a done deal until both of us take that step to make a commitment and agree to it. And I am just not sure that I am ready for that, or that I want it with him. I still have to experience more and look into my feelings.

Like I said, he’s not perfect. And it’s not a question of “changing” anything. Just, is it ideal and what I want. I get a lot of what I want! Does it all feel right and good? I don’t know. Sometimes. I guess if it was all 100% peachy, then I wouldn’t be writing about it here.

I guess the reason talking with vman is do compelling is that the physical aspect is so important for me. I need the relationship to be solid and present. But I also need and desire to be turned on by my mate, and to be able to feel pleasure for them without me “compromising” (ie pretending to like something that really doesnt feel good to me.)

This is the one thing giving me pause. I haven’t told vman. I feel guarded about this and I don’t know why. It’s my truth. I don’t want to trade a good relationship for “just physical.” I want both!

And I deserve to have it all. Because you know what? I’m amazing and I deserve it. Just because. I believe in it. That can happen for me. And it feels so good to believe in that.

It feels like warm caramel on vanilla ice cream, and it tastes delicious

Aww…I just got stressed out about being on the wrong train. I texted vman that I might need another song, to cheer me up. He got right back to me with the lyrics to the perfect song. It was awesome and it cheered me right up. I love this feeling

No more man crack. Not from PriestCD, who is doing nothing to maintain the friendship he said he wanted and valued so much, and not from the men who email me or text me and don’t row the boat. No men, no man crack.

I will go to the gym where no men come and I will go run alone. I will go to my job where there are no single men (and I wouldn’t date at work anyway). Maybe I will have time once a month to go to a Meetup and meet someone there. But I just can’t keep this up.

I feel ashamed to admit that I, at this point in my life, am willing to say that I don’t want to change and I don’t want to do the work it will take to find someone. I want someone for the rest of my life SO BADLY, but not enough to learn to be someone I am not right now, even though that person is better than who I am right now. I will stay where I am, and that feels awful, but not more awful than biting off more than I can chew.

I need a new job that doesn’t consume so much of my time so that I have more time to do the other things in life that I enjoy.

Siren Angel, I can relate to where you are… I’ve been in similar situations. I’m going to be very honest here, and of course every situation is different, but doing what I’d always done, got me what I’d always had. The same cycle, over and over again. I WISH I had been more sure of myself and strong enough to say enough…. it’s been this long. if you don’t know how you feel about me by now, then it’s time to make some serious changes. Your posts feel sad to me, as if you are taking blame and fault with yourself, and making a lot of excuses for him to justify why this has happened.
A man who truly loves you will be with you, heart and soul. If he wants you, he’ll make his children understand. It can feel fun and exciting, and having special romantic times alone together is awesome, and should always be a part of your relationship. But, agreeing to what he wants, stepping backwards… feels bad to me. I’m not saying to give him time, but I would suggest not sleeping with him. Don’t operate from a place of fear that he’ll meet someone else. Choose you. Choose the dream you want, and let him come to you, 100 percent. You deserve better than this siren angel.

CD from last week was smitten, so he would have me believe. He lives about a mile from me in the same town, and he is another working musician. He called me tonight and wanted some of my time, clearly enough. But I am pretty booked up right now. I said I was hungry and he asked me if I wanted to do something later. After I ate that is. that was around 7 pm. I am busy after tonight through till Sunday.
So I said I would smoke a little with him if he wanted to meet me at on the waterfront. He was supposed to call back at 8 but didn’t till 8:15. What he really wanted was for me to go to his house.
When he called I had been walking for an hour which was cool–it was just what I needed.
He said come over and I said no-I’ll meet you at the fountain in the theater district. I waited 20 or twenty five minutes, then started walking. He called me back at 9 PM. I told him I had started to get too cold and had to walk. He thinks I should call him Sunday. Hmmmm…

Mr. C had an awesome day. He is going back to work for a company that he really liked, full of friends that felt like family to him. He lost the job when his marriage was in the toxic early stages. I feel so happy for him that he has this opportunity for a do over, and that he has something so positive to focus on. It felt really heartwarming that he called me, invited me over to show me all he was working on, shared lots of stories and info., practiced with me, and we talked a lot about how having those positives, makes it easier to get over the sad/bad/blah feelings. I did lean forward to give him a hug, I feel so relieved to see hm getting unstuck. Then he asked if we all wanted to go out for ice cream. We have such a pleasant time together, laughing, talking…. the kids joke around and play. It feels so easy when we are all together. Being honest with myself, I know I wish things were different.

BUT, being clear with myself, I know leaning back serves me best. He’s not ready, and even if he was, we may not be a good romantic fit. I’m just starting to see him now as healing. We laugh and tease and have a good thing, I don’t want it to blow up. Any pressure now, would cause that.

SO, if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist. My options are open. I’m a little disappointed I haven’t heard more from Tux, and I’ve gotten a few decent sounding emails on POF, but no plans to meet anyone. But the truth is, I feel the most happy, content and that I’m the real me when I’m with Mr. C. I feel whole and honest and comfortable. Maybe this is what real intimacy is. Not just about sex, but closeness, the companionship and the consistency. The relaxing and flowing, the easiness. Being friends. I want this with any man I’d be serious with. I’ve short changed myself by rushing into physical intimacy, where then that feels like the focus. The focus here, is still me… and what I’m learning about myself.

I want to be a writer.
I want to be the best thing that ever happens to another person.
I want to try new things and master them.
I want to feel loved and give love freely.

I took my Mom home today. It went well overall. I feel like I passed the test of facing my childhood triggers with Sireny grace. Still not sure if she will live with me permanently, but she is welcome. Got to get a more handicap accessible home, tho.

It’s a long story but I just want to make a record here for myself that I’ve just communicated to my mom how I felt about unwanted help from my girlfriend regarding my father in law. First I felt bad and defensive then I did eft on it and it lead to identifying another boundary of mine! YAY for I’ve got it! YAY to me for how beautiful I’ve written about how I felt toward the thing not blamey and in pure sharing good feeling way! I feel excited!
Hmm.. I am feeling a little judgemental for my don’t want to ‘mix’ family and friends too much, otherwise I start feeling unsafe … I think it might be ‘unfair’ to those friends… hmmm .. but. otherwise it will be unfair to me and won’t feel good at all. I choose to honor myself and feel okay with whatever level of privacy my little girl wants. And this is what important here. More important than my fear to communicate that. YAY! …and I love my judgemental side and I send it lots of love so it also could heal with my love

Brandylion I feel the same way about online dating and dating in general ….
I am busy with like 3 part time jobs and my hobbies that i try to fit in and also seeing friends ….
But….
I cd in the way Rori says in everyday life like at the coffee shop or the grocery store ,,, wherever!!
I have even met a couple guys at starbucks that I wnt on dates with! I also practice the tools in random places like the store or mall or dentist waiting room like I’m all that, waterwheel, dance position.
Omg waterwheel is a trip it really works!!

Daria about missing a feeling of community I soo know what you mean!
I missed my family wheni moved out but I had a huge group of friends nd we did everything together ! Plus my boyfriend! I was never alone as never slept alone or went to the store alone and if I did it was ok cuz I knew I had people!!!
Life changes and now I don’t even talk to any of those people at all!!! Like they are all totally gone feom my life! Even the ones I tried to cling to went away … Like it was not meant to be for me to stay in touch and I just accept it now… But It did an still does hurt when I feel lonely and I love and miss the feeling of community !

What helps me to feel more open communicating with mom is just the same what I practice with men – when I focus on my feelings and body and make it all about practicing FMs … and drop any tiny intention to change her when I notice such a though …. and feeling curious what if I could feel okay with where she is.. and accept it .. and accept where I am…. because the choice is mine anyway … and I am a safe place .. sigh . baby steps …

553 – Hi Forest Siren, and thank you!
Yes, I was thinking of letting him pick me up at the airport, but I would be jittery the whole flight, and I am a nervous flier anyway….and I do feel it is too much too soon….I will be totally exhausted and get in quite late…plus my friend picking me up is the one I am staying with, so it’s logistically just so much easier.
But truly, I was thinking the other day how he never used to know when I was getting in and never offered to get me from the airport (well he lives a little way away, I fly to a different city..), now he asked me a total of 3 times when ‘exactly’ I am getting there…starting 4 weeks ago…
I do feel weird. He knows I am on POF, and I am wondering if this has something to do with it…last time I had a bf, and he was very surprised, it’s almost like this time he is making sure I don’t get a chance to date someone…funny.
I also noticed that he is not active on POF anymore, he used to live on that site but once I caught him on there when we were just starting to get back together…and my fearful mind just freaked and I actually dumped him for that…true. I tried to take it back later but he was too proud. AND last time I was in Florida, he actually made a point of deleting his profile after spending a day with me.
When I left he set it back up though and was dating….and on there all the time. Not anymore. Could all be coincidence.
Hm.
I do wonder whether he revs up the Volume because he is operating from a ‘safe’ point. Last time the safe thing was that I was in a relationship (but he didn’t know that I was in a committed relationship, he thought at first it was ‘just’ a date when we all met). This time the safe thing might be that he is off soon to move away.
Just pondering.
He also did say that if I needed him to help with anything, he will do it…as in me staying in the US.
He knows, for me to stay permanently, there is only one thing, so I am wondering (again) about this offer of help. Basically, I need to get married, and he KNOWS that, and I have said that I would not get married for papers but only if I felt something for the person also….because he once said his brother would do it (only to retract when I said: ‘ok then’..as a little test..suddenly the brother was not good enough for me…). Of course, you all know that he ‘offered’ to marry me too but he was saying it had to be a ‘win-win’ situation and bla bla…..so I just said I didn’t want to complicate his life and that it wasn’t a win-win and that I would ideally like to marry for love…
well, anyway. Hm.
Yesterday I also briefly had the thought: ‘what if he wants me and all of a sudden I don’t want him anymore?’ Because he is not conventional, a lot of things that would be normal in a relationship might just never happen with him…but then I don’t know, he is behaving suddenly like everybody else, offering to get me from the airport, help me around, making plans for the future…boating again…and so on.
He is really surprising me, but I would be VERY surprised if this was to go on…..VERY.
I don’t expect this to go on.

Morning ladies
BW, Sassy, LG, Starla, tam
thank you
I am still feeling pretty yucky about all of this
Must be a huge trigger

Stuff to work on anyway, but it doesnt feel at all good to wake up feeling yucky and, well worthless
For me , a nights sleep usually sets things into perspective and is a fresh start but not this morning
Oh well, stuff to get on with

613..Ruth..I am confused..haha. This guy is confusing me. But at least I know he is pretty solid.

I hope your trigger evaporates, because the group is just secret so we are safe from prying eyes and we WANT you and everyone else there….it was just a case of an admin sending the details – I am not one.

607 – Meetup.com has all sorts of special interest groups. I think a hiking one would be a great way to meet a man! What are YOUR interests? If you go to a meetup group that is in that area of interest, that would feel great! Or say you are interested in reading…you could hang out at Barnes & Noble. Or if you are interested in health food, hang out at a health food store. Horses? At a horse farm, etc.

Brandy lion – lol! I laughed out loud. I wish I could get you a talk w Rori, so she could talk about how out subconscious holds us back when we make those ‘I won’t date’ decisions. It kinda sabotages us by sneaking in under our rationality.

The answer would be that weekends are also perfect to date, and Rori would say to make dating a Priority. I’ve heard her encourage women to cut back on other activities, hours at work, etc.

This is about our love life and happiness and healing, it’s top priority. I would def resign up for those sites. Don’t worry if a few or 10 men poof. Men come and go like a river.

Keep practicing for You and your therapy. Those urges to give up etc are our subconscious ways to sabotage and punish ourselves and bring us back to what we always have had, what were comfortable with.

Step out slowly, but make sure you’re stepping out i imagine she might say. Have an active profile.

I realised i am feeling REALLY anxious and triggered by Siren Angels situation because I let it all happen to me for years when i just didnt know what was going on, or how it happened , and had zero self esteem.

I feel the high anxiety start when I read posts by various Sirens which sound like they are accepting crumbs, or talking themselves into being ok with less than the relationship they actually want, or when they have all sorts of good reasons for not CD’ing when they have feelings for a man who isnt fully into them or is not stepping up.

Now I see how I created my own nightmare , i feel really triggered when i see other people doing what i did and i want to save them from the terrible pain i went through for years .

Of course they need to walk their own walk and its not about me .

I feel most curious about how BAD i feel when i am reminded of that those years . I realize I mistook the ANXIETY and BAD feelings for excitement and a feeling of being alive around this man.

It felt like “love” but it was really a sort of dread and deep attachment combined.

I’m feeling triggered to beating myself up for not taking an active role in making a case for Roris tools for each siren.

I remember when I first started getting it, Rori would greet new sirens w a blurb, and I’d always be quite clear – read pushy – that the blog was all about Roris tools. It seemed most women adjusted quickly, started practicing, and got instant results and were on their way with tools.

Everyone practiced FMs on blog, and people who didn’t were few -though vocal – it seemed women made huge leaps quickly.

Now it seems some people wallow for years I see sirens of years here using I feel instead of I think, and hurting themselves w non Rori choices.

I feel guilty… It seems like my stepping back didn’t work to magically get everyone shifting quickly .. Sigh

I feel dread thinking of speaking up more and getting fought with or attacked though.

Sigh.

This must be a trigger that frames it this way for me. I feel quite helpless and overwhelmed.

It would feel great to heal thus , really. I’m feeling kinda bummy about this and I recognize this from my life.

I guess everyone has their own healing pace. I sometimes want to turn back time but then I think: no.
You made all those experiences with men, some painful, some not so painful – but if you hadn’t made them you wouldn’t be where you are now.
I believe we will all see the light eventually and everybody’s situation is different.
But I ain’t going back to where I’ve come from.
Feeling much better these days, on the right path…for now.

I think someone tried to add me as a friend on FB using the email address I posted earlier to find me. The FB account it’s linked to isn’t valid, so please send me an email and I’ll add you to the FB group.
xxx

i”m feeling so overwhelmed that im not gonna be able to handle it, life, relationship, community

pffft

i did a lot of 2nd chakra EFT so im wondering if these feelings of sadness and warm sinking overwhlem are the processing of that. Margaret Lynch says the lower chakras take awhile to process and integrate.

I’m going to do more EFT on 1st and 2nd chakra, will do 2nd chakra on feeling left out of the party with my parents type feelings and see how that shifts my pineyness for community / fame

Thank you Daria, Though if you tried to “save” me I would not have heard you as we are talking 5 years of history at that time of convincing myself , believing in his potential , blindfolding myself to my situation of emotional abuse etc, etc. Once I read Roris email about being a junkie for man crack and then baggagereclaim.com about emotionally unavailable men I “got it” very quickly.

Its not up to any of to save the others though i certainly feel frustration and sadness when i watch other people making some choices, I feel awful , so then i label them as “bad”choices. But i feel awful because of my own experience and they have to get to where they are going independently.

I think we have to go through the process individually . I went to yoga and just now and released some of those old bad feelings out of my hip joints which were suddenly hugely flexible

I can feel your frustration
but as Tam says, we all have our healing pace

For some of us, feeling messages feel “difficult” and “not like the real me” even though I can see how they would work
It takes some of us longer to feel comfortable using them
H8ll-half the time I cant even identify what I am actually feeling when the emotions swamp over me

So while we are learning the tools, we are going to keep repeating the same patterns over and over until we are ready to make forward steps

I would like to think that all of us can still feel supported on here as we take those baby steps

Also, its a d*mn sight easier to be objective and give advice on other Sirens’situations than to take it in ourselves isnt it

631 Ruth, I totally agree with you. It feels bad to me also forcing my views on other people, and I remember that no matter what anyone said, if I could not see what I was doing wrong for myself, it did not really help.
There has to be growth inside oneself and it doesn’t matter how much others huff and puff – one has to get there oneself.
It took me a while but now I am ready also to take the advice from others because I opened up more, but that was work I did on myself.
And yes, it is so much easier to advise others because we are not emotionally tangles up in their situation and pain or whatever it is.
I often don’t see the wood for the trees in my situation.

“Nourishment is Invisible. Invisible as a bowl of soup. The world Health Orginisation says ninety percent of the health care provided in the world is given by women in their own homes. Invisibly. With a smile. A hug. A word of praise. In small daily increments, the wise woman builds the health of herself, her family, her community, her country, her world. She does it in the Tao, so she is invisible”.

I was not contacting him, but he didn’t try to contact me either. I know that his family is in town, but still. What if he is just tired of my silence or happy that he can spend time with friends while we are not talking? On the other hand, he stood me up two nights in a row with the same explanation that he fell asleep. It can be true, but when this was happening I felt terrible.

Hi Ruth..I hear you.
Feeling messages are important but you are right to pay attention to what the feelings are first.

Yoga teacher was just now suggesting it is interesting to just feel the sensations in the body (I was labelling it as “ouch!” at that moment) and recognise it is just a sensation and notice how the mind labels it as pleasant or unpleasant and to want more or less of the sensation according to what we think of it as ..so we feel it as “painful ” or as “opening’ or whatever according to our minds choice.

This feels like sinking in to feelings, just notice the sensation and not actually judge it ..or even label it the same old way.

maybe like ” i feel two warm crystal drops sliding down my cheeks and my heart contracting . ” instead of “I feel sad and lonely”. When i think about the sensations without labels , I feel interested and not sucked down into a well of sadness or loneliness.

Memulo in my open any contact from him is an opportunity to say how you feel. I notice that you are in your head a lot trying to figure out what is going on with him and that causes you to second guess yourself and you get kindof stalled.

I notice this because I can do this too. I wonder how my words will affect the outcome. Shifting to my feelings takes all the pressure off because it’s then about me in that moment.

Lionman experiences my silence as anger towards him. I used to use it angrily towards him and if I really want to piss him off ignoring his calls will do it. Now that I am working on raising my degree of difficulty and seeing him as practse even tho he is my favorite I am less afraid of saying exactly how I feel honestly. I’ve already lost him so there is nothing to lose now by being one hundred percent honest instead of polite and cautious because I was afraid of losing him if you see what I mean.,

BW oh I have a question here. When you are together but not in a relationship in this way and he does something that upsets you and he says well we are not together what would you say? I know that he didn’t say tht he just said you were over reacting but having been in the together but not together situation it was used as an excuse every time I expressed anything negative and I never had any real comeback.

Sirenity, I would probably not have reacted as calmly as I have, if we were together, so I think I am “letting go”.

He texted me to ask what the matter was. I told him that I did feel shocked, then angry and now I just feel turned off, but he is free to do what he wants.

Usually he will respond defensively. This time he’s gone quiet, which I think is a good sign – he’s thinking about it I’m sure, but I am moving my focus back on to me while he finds another way to impress me!

644 – forest siren, that really resonates with me, the feeling that I can be 100% honest with MrP now also, because he is not mine, I am not attached to an outcome and I have no fear telling him how I feel.
The only fear I do have is ‘getting sucked in’, by that I mean accepting what he has to offer even if it does not match up to what I want for myself.
I don’t want to get sucked into accepting crumbs…but I don’t think I will anyway.
And I feel that he is catching those vibes and he has started to treat me differently, with more care and respect. Interesting. It is a development I had already noted last time I was there, he is much softer and really concerned for me.
i like it.

Forest Siren, he never says that. I’m the only one who has mentioned it.

I think I said it recently when he wanted me to change my plans for him and I told him that we are no longer in a relationship, so my focus is now totally on me and what I want to do. At the time, what I wanted to do was stay home alone and relax instead of seeing him. He grumbled about it, but I think he knew that he was in a weak position esp due to the lack of a relationship. Hehe!

i feel annoyed really listening to what seems as explanations – so sorry this is coming out harshly – of what another being was triggered by through my expression

i’ve been here many years – (superiority complex? / victim mentality ? ) – and I was feeling down at what i perceive (perception is not The truth) as a difference in the pace at which women were healing and coming to a feeling of EMPOWERMENT in their own lives, by using Rori’s tools

and my correlation to both: effort in consistency and choice of words ..

on my part, as I had been a vigilant and vocal advocate of Rori’s tools

support to me would be consistent support in using Rori’s tools which women come here for

Ive taken a couple of years to step back my ‘helpful’ efforts and am feeling down to see a ‘general – in my perception’ level of disempowerment and continued pain for many women

where in the past approach i would have consistently stepped in and spoke out encouraging and supporting the use of Rori’s tools

***

Probably more important, this has to do with my and my perceptions, compulsion to ‘help’ and

maybe not so much with anyone else’s experience of and on the blog

.

my perception is of coming to a hospital/healing center, where one receives consistent support in healing…

gets on their feet and continues on healing themselves with new tools

vs. going to a center where the sick lay around moaning and the healers go hands off and watch

***

this imagery brings up feelings that come up in my life for me at other times. i see its part of my triggers.

***

im remembering now that ive had great success with using “Stubborn Abraham Style Visualization” as Im calling it

where i choose to believe that everyone is quickly healed and empowering themselves and choose to assing that meaning to everything regardless of ‘rational perspective’

I can apply this now… its worked many many times for me

hmm sigh that feels good

i feel unsafe now, as it seems im becoming a target for “explaining/control”

and am feeling fear of being attacked

I will now choose to assign the meaning that I’m healing, and others are healing powerfully as well to this perception and experience

sigh

im feeling my ‘heart energy’ withdraw and wall up and i dont want that

my lil girl is feeling threatend though

this is healing

my writing this down is a step in awareness of these powerful overwhelming fear feelings

wow i do feel clearer and more released

****

reading back this post i wonder if im not receiving this level of care myself through the triggers im not encountering

I want to choose one of thos infinite possibilities to share my experience and also support others both vigilantly and in a way that empowers and heals ME, and where i feel heard and received and appreciated

BW – you once expressed that he wanted to have children in the future and that was a problem as I understand it which had no “answer’ at the time. How much does this desire of his now have to do with him “breaking up” with you?

Also i suppose this means you are FWB with him .How does that feel to you after having been in a relationship and now being not..I see the situation is very similar to Siren Angels .

Sirenity, as we were “breaking up” I mentioned that and he told me quite firmly that it had nothing to do with that.

When he was overseas he was telling the boys that he wanted to officially move in with me when he got back.

But my last meltdown was the final straw. We both know I wasn’t in control at the time, but not surprisingly, he was sick of the drama, so wanted to take a step back to clear his head, get away from the drama then reassess what he wanted.

He knows I’m not sitting around at night pining over him too, which is a good thing, and I’m having more fun than I have in a long time. I also have both Friday and Saturday nights booked next weekend and I know he’s going to grumble at me about it.

But I’ve made my plans and I will not be changing them!! This is a very firm stance from where I was a year ago with him.

That’s probably because I’m no longer scared of losing him. Instead I’m thinking how worried he should be that he’s about to lose ME! hehe!

And we are “dating” now. So it’s not “over” but it’s not a full on “relationship”. We are exclusive too and he knows I will drop him in a second if he even thinks of dating anybody else.

So it’s like it was a year ago, but I have a lot more power this time, I believe, because my focus is more on me than him.

Hmmm..I reflect now.
The ‘sick laying around moaning’ feels bad to hear. But sometimes the sickness and moaning also helps one to get clearer…there is a point when the sickness and moaning is done. Or at least temporarily, and healing is taking place. For everybody.

I also see some Sirens in a fwb situation and it triggers me because I have worked so hard to not fall into that scenario…I have put a vigilant eye and nearly slipped up on it before I left Florida, I almost invited, right at the end, a fwb situation but by pure chance it didn’t happen. And I am so happy I honoured my boundaries. And what has it brought me? I have missed out on some instant sex gratification which I would have liked, and I was – admittedly – longing for. I said: ‘no’ because I knew this is not the way to build something meaningful as I had been there before with the same man.
It has actually brought me the same man, but he is being so different that I hardly recognise him and that is just great.
Now I am determined to keep it up but I know the temptation will be great to get into a fwb situation. Part of me thinks ‘I can handle it’ and work through it with feeling messages and stay cool, and CD and treat him like a CD. But I know this is not realistic, and we have known each other long enough.
I do feel that if he is still unable to offer me a commitment – everything – that I must NOT give into a fwb situation, no matter how much I would like to wake up with him and cuddle and kiss and whatever else. I really need to be strong. If he even pursues me….I don’t want to presume.
I feel sad that we can’t innocently start at the beginning like a new couple and that I have to label any attemt at being physical as a return to fwb, but that’s what it will be.
So my work is at staying open also physically, whilst at the same time honouring my needs.
It’s a huge conflict. And I see it is one that a few Sirens here approached differently…hm.

656 Memulo – If you’re seeing your silence as an angry silence right now, then your energy is very much focused on him.

If you lean forward and contact him (because there was no request in his text to call/message him or a question, so it’s leaning forward right?), what will you gain from that, except more of what has happened in the past when you leaned forward and contacted him?

If he is not calling you it is because he’s not thinking of you or has chosen not to.

Oh ok… not as bad as I thought. I was worried for you for a minute there BW!!!

Yes, our situations are very similar! It will be interesting to compare notes… However the kiddie situation in my case makes it a little complex. Your dear hormones (I’ve had severe issues too with the bcp) are under control so your ‘circumstance’ has been fixed and I believe you will work things out easily with time and a little patience.

I think part of the reason why I’m feeling so good right now is that when I was in the pit of depression and TH had just given me the “I’m taking a step back” speech, I honestly thought the sky had fallen in. I was devastated. And I believed he was gone for good.

Since that day, I have begun my recovery (much quicker than expected), and because I had already accepted his decision to leave my life, I had begun to get used to the idea and was looking for positives about my new situation.

And there are a LOT of positives with him not living here – being able to do what I want, when I want is one thing!

He has definitely picked up on my new vibe and is chasing me more than he ever did. He initiates contact with me every single day, tries to see me after work, every single night, and every weekend I see him on at least one of the days.

He spent the day with me and my girls recently, and last week he stayed the night.

This morning he helped me too, and gave me some money for morning tea because I’d left my purse at home by accident.

So while we are not “together”, he’s definitely in my face, 100% exclusive with me, and not going anywhere anytime soon.

I’m sure somebody will point out his stupidity about the profile pic soon enough. But in saying that, he did it with honest intentions (to show his old weight compared to now – he’s lost around 50kg/110lbs this year).

I strongly believe too that if he doesn’t hurry up, somebody is going to snap me up and he will be left alone and wondering why he waited so long. I truly believe that.

I totally hear you and I understand what you are referring too having fallen into that trap myself years ago. I stayed with a man for 4 years who had plans of traveling the world and leaving me for it. And he did. He did try to come back when he came back 1.5 years after leaving but I was no longer invested and interested and was tired of him and the situation I went through. I will not do this again, especially a good 12 years older!

This is more of an experiment where I am evaluating everyday if we are ‘retying all the knots’ together (figure of speech) ans if there is an evolution. I will not stay if it becomes stale and if I don’t see a move forward to the relationship that I want. This is new, only 2 days back ‘together’, so it is a daily process, but I do expect that if there are improvements they should happen quickly (as in 1 month back to full on relationship).

He did mention going to Lake Placid together in a few weeks to go hiking These are always so romantic and bonding for us… Yeah! I feel excited.

Something I can manage to do with any upsetting email/situation at work, is to put it ‘off’ until the next day, after a good night’s sleep. It has saved me from replying harshly to emails or getting overly persuasive/aggressive at work. I wish we could ‘put off’ our reactions in our love lives to the next day as wisely.

I do understand that you were upset with the profile pic with ex girlfriend. Did you take a moment, after the shock/rage/dread, to sink into your feelings? How did you feel? Disrespected? Unimportant? Uncared for? Or did you feel Frustration? (at him for being so *clueless*, perhaps?

I was just replying to MrP’s email, well SA, I often wait a day especially when it’s email contact, I sleep over it to see whether my feelings have changed.
I noticed that he wrote ‘keeping a property *while* out and about’, suggesting his move away is not permanent…interesting.
I have made the decision that after all our history, if he tries to get close to me again and then says: ‘tadaaaaaa..and now I am off travelling/ moving for 1 year or 2, so guess what, I still can’t offer you any commitment’, then I will drop him cold. It would have just happened one time too many and I am no longer willing to partake in the movie of hot and cold.
No no.
I know what I want, and he better gets clear on what he wants also, else I will be flapping my wings out of that scenario very quickly.
Happy that there are plenty of men wanting to meet with me, so I don’t need to ‘pretend’ to be busy, I will be busy looking after myself.
Because in my gut, I feel that this could be dangerous..and I need to look after me!

I feel good today! I woke up, with a sore throat, but that feels better already. One thing that I haven’t been doing, is making many plans. I’ve been leaning back, taking life day by day…. but I want to get some firm plans on my calendar. Today, I’ll make some social plans and see how that feels.

I’m choosing to focus on what I have that I love, and making a mental picture of where I want to be, or what I want my life to look like. I’m still having a hard time picturing what I really want. I say I want a relationship, but I don’t visualize it. If I can’t see it, how will it happen?

So, homework to self today, create a mental picture full of feelings. How does it feel to me, who is in my life, what am I doing, where am I going….

About the facebook, please don’t anyone feel intentionally left out. When it first started, Lizka was on here a lot and I know she was adding people. I made a fake profile, to secure my secrecy about the blog, but honestly, I haven’t logged on in months.

I will not let this situation drag on, there has to be very quick evolution, in days, for me to believe it is possible. I see what you are saying. This man is sooo stubborn Turquoise. He is an Italian Jew and family for him is EVERYTHING. He will not side step his kids. I know now clearly that it all stems from 11 yr old wanting his attention and the last weekend we were all together the Saturday night I watched a movie with M and 11 yr old when I usually go do yoga or read a book in bed while son and dad have their special time. I should have been wiser, but what is done is done. I blame myself for this, yes. But I don’t accept his blame. It is something we will need to discuss but for now and want reconnection.

I did a “vision quest” on a the beach at sunrise once.
I wanted to see big visions…spirit animals, G0d, the Buddha, angels, aliens, other worlds…something! Anything extraordinary!

Instead, I felt a rush of energy surge through me. It was the most intensely painful blissful feeling I had ever felt. I was on my back, writhing in ecstatic pain like a lunatic, wanting to see G0d and you know what I saw?
Alanis, standing in front of me, singing:
“I have been running so
Sweaty my whole life
Urgent for the finish line
And I have been missing the
Rapture this whole time
of being forever incomplete.”

Over and over again, emphasis on the word “rapture”.

I feel so much pain in my neck and shoulders right now, and a little tiny pinprick of pain in my heart.
I know I’m way overdue leaving this job and the thing with C was a band-aid over the pain of being at this place. Working here feels like sitting in a dirty diaper. One of my co-workers is so crazy about this job because she’s been having an affair with the supervisor for the last 5 years so she’s with him all day and she has gushed to me before about how great this job is because, “look what we can get away with!”

I feel like I’m outgrowing the need to “get away” with stuff, I need to grow, to mature, I need to feel expanded, more than! I need some darned relief from this pain! I feel like I’m stuck in a womb that’s too small, I’m not getting care and love and nutrition anyway, but afraid that leaving will lead to even more unbearable pain (birth trauma much!?).

What am I really afraid of?
I won’t get another job right away.
Which means I can’t pay rent.
Which means…late fees piling up
or
borrowing money from family (ick)
or
moving in with my mother (ick ick ick)
or???
homeless shelter
or
living in my car (done it before)

Or
Afraid that I might GET a job right away
Won’t have the right clothes (I only have about 4 changes of clothes and they are appropriate for THIS environment, working at a refinery but not a nicer office job).

or get an interview right away
(not have the right clothes)
fumbling through interview questions
I feel so fat
how to explain
“Oh, yes, I owned my own business for 10 years and rocked it but suddenly the grief of a breakup plus old trauma plus a horrible self-abuse pattern sent me into a spiral of apathy and deeper self-abuse so I was jobless and then severely underemployed and I’m only now just beginning to give a rat’s butt about my life again and I’m really not sure what I want to do with my life because everything I ever thought I wanted no longer seems to apply…but yeah, definitely hire me!”
Arrrh…rib cage pain

Feels good, my hands caressing each other.

Girl please!
We survived the death of a child, the adoption of another, 25 years of raising a young man, we survived living in our car while pregnant, we’ve survived and survived and survived.
I’m pretty sure we’d survive the shame of having to live with the madre again, too, if necessary
but I can’t help but wonder if we can do better than that?
Hmmm…

Tereana and Emerson–I don’t meet men in person. There is nothing I do where I encounter men. If I’m at a Panera or some similar place, I’m eating (usually with my nose buried in a book) or grading (with my nose buried in papers) and am not scoping out men. I joined a bunch of Meetup groups last weekend, but so far I can’t go to any of the upcoming Meetups in the rest of the month because they’re too far away (like way on the west side of Cleveland, an hour drive each way) or conflict with other obligations.

Daria, that’s my point–what am I supposed to cut back on? I am unhappy with myself, and adding men to the mix is not going to fix that. Just *trying* to add a man to the mix is making me even more miserable than I already feel. It is a waste of my time and energy to date when the work I need to do is getting happy with myself. That means running and going to the gym and busting my butt at school so I will be rehired next year.

685 Turquoise – I think that’s why I got stuck for a while. Like you, I have been having trouble picturing what I want. I really need to spend some time alone and let that come to me.

SMB just recently posted on FB to offer her condolences to Flowerchild. Flowerchild has also posted a pic of her beautiful little granddaughter. It brought me to tears this morning as I was going to work on the train.

It’s situations like this that make me realise just how lucky I am. I so feel for her…

I feel completely okay with it. If it were someone I was not interested in romantically that I really cared about as a person, I would have done it.

I care about him as a person, therefore I stopped to say hi. I would have done it with anyone else. It feels icky to me to even consider not doing it. I would have felt icky seeing him and not having him say hi.

Maybe it messed up the masculine/feminine energy dynamic between us, but I was in a hurry and I didn’t want to miss seeing him. It was worth it to me.

Maybe if I had just leaned back, he would have stopped talking to his people and ran after me to make sure I saw him before I left the shop.

Maybe he wouldn’t have talked to me at all, would have died with curiousity at catching a glimpse at me, and pursued the crap out of me from this moment forward.

Maybe he wouldn’t have seen me at all, and I would be filled with an icky what-if energy.

Maybe he wouldn’t have seen me, and I would feel completely non-chalent about it. (but I know myself, so I know that’s not true.)

honestly, our whole relationship started with me leaning forward. (it was before I knew anything about Rori.)

Even before Rori, I wasn’t one to lean forward.

He was an exception, and even I can’t explain why.

If I had never leaned forward with him, I would never have this inspiring beautiful man in my life.

He may never be interested in me romantically because of the lean forwardness, but to me, his friendship has been worth it.

I feel like the Universe was trying to tell me something.

After my ranting yesterday about hating that feeling of feeling “bigger and better” than my man, I run into this guy who makes me feel like I CAN be everything I am and more, without him feeling threatened by my amazingness.

He is an inspiration to me. Maybe not THE man of my dreams, but the kind of man who inspires me simply by living his life.

I am not where I want to be yet in life, and that’s okay.

It feels inspiring just knowing that men like him exist, and that maybe someday I’ll be at a place where I’ll feel worthy of their pursuit.

I was stretching and taking care of my back.
I said my back still feels stiff.
I said “your old mattress feels scary to me right now.”
He said “are hinting that you’re going to leave again like you often do?”
I said “I don’t know, I still feel weird about us since my last metldown a few weeks ago. My back stiffness always comes out when I’ve been feeling constant tension for a length of time.
I feel like I’m hanging, and that makes me tense up my muscles to sorta hold myself up.”

No blame, no mention of him.
It ended there as we were in front of the tv and both immediately got caught up in a documentary that started.

I let it go, but for a change, I stayed there with my tense feeling justing observing myself and my body…I didn’t leave! Yey Me!

I went to bed, and he reached for me and wrapped me up in his arms.
He leaves for work while I’m still in bed.
He usually just pops out of bed briskly and quickly leaves.
This morning when his alarm clock rang, he immediately reached over to me to warmly kiss me and hug me.
I responded warmly.
That felt awesome!

This is the 2nd time in a week I get slathered with affection without having to ask or reaching out…by simply ‘being’.

I feel so relaxed and cozy with myself this morning
I feel soft and mellow, cushioned and supported by love.

703: Memulo says:

When I got to bed, I kept switching the lamp off and on just to be a playful pain.
Every time the light came on, he had a different posture and funny face to make me laugh.
I giggled plenty
It felt so good to giggle, it released alot of that tension.

His son did that all weekend: Clowning around, anything to make me laugh.
It felt so good to have him seek my attention

Even if still deciding to text, doing something nice for oneself, changes ones feelings, changes ones vibe, diffuses the anger and neediness so the words don’t spew out either as anger or pretend niceness.

I have noticed that I have been checking my email obsessively, not being focused on myself. Oh nono Tam, that is a baaaaad idea.
I don’t like that, so I shall remove myself and not log onto my emails for a few hours, get really into work and go for a run later.

590: Miss Bells – I can really feel your boundaries and not putting up with this guy’s wishy washy junk, and it feels empowering to me. Yay you! I feel a little triggered by the way this guy is acting. I’ve read so much stuff written for guys that talks about “making a girl work for you” and “she can’t respect you unless she puts forth a little effort for you.” The judgmental part of me feels like its crap, written for insecure little boys who can’t measure up to real men. I feel moved by how you seem to hold your own.

Being addicted to Mr. Unavailable means that the challenge of “catching” or “taming” an emotionally unavailable man is a kind of drug for you. You love
the feeling it gives you; it makes you feel alive in some way.
Don’t worry; there is no blame here. I’m not saying that this is your fault! It’s the men who are not meeting you halfway. But, if you remember
back to experiences you’ve had with emotionally unavailable men, you’ll probably remember that rush you felt whenever they threw a scrap of
attention your way.
Hey, it happens to the best of us. After all, a player wouldn’t be such a common type if his game wasn’t working on a large number of women – with all the self-confidence problems we have all on our own, the positive attention from a player can be downright intoxicating.
A married man who works so hard and risks so much
to spend time with you makes you feel special.
But when it comes down to it, it’s your addiction to their behavior that allows them to behave so badly.
So, take a moment, be brutally honest with yourself, and see if maybe you’ve got a touch of that addiction in your relationship history.

He appears when you’re depressed and vulnerable. In my opinion, this is the worst behavior – because, after all, who doesn’t love it when someone comes to them in their time of need? But this is how an
emotionally unavailable man “gets in good” with you. It’s his way of appearing emotionally available, but it’s only for that specific situation; when times are better, he becomes bored with you and he’s
nowhere to be found.
• He likes being spoiled. Plainly put, women are givers. This means that normally, we have to curtail our instincts to spoil men. So when we find a man who enjoys the nice things we do for him, we tend to see that as a positive, and we also see it as a sign that he’s willing to be serious about the relationship. But really, this is his way of helping
you to feel emotionally connected – while not showing any availability of his own.

• Another reason for wanting to be spoiled is that he is not looking for a lover – or rather a partner, like Luke – he’s looking for a “mommy” who will take care of him. It’s the true essence of emotional
unavailability in these types, because, like a child in a mother-child relationship, they don’t have to work hard to make it happen; they just know that someone will be there for them. If they’ve never had to show emotional availability before, they’re certainly not going to start now!

Some less obvious signs of emotionally unavailable men include that he appears when you’re depressed and vulnerable. He likes being spoiled (he’s
looking for a mother, not a lover). And he tries to control you.

Lilibee
I feel smily reading your story
what I especially like is the fact that you had that serious conversation in feeling messages and it didnt even come to a conclusion and yet your vibe still shifted and he was affectionate

#590
Yes–this was an OK Cupid guy I had met ONCE before. I had no intention of going to his house. So after taking a long walk which I DID want, I found myself waiting for him sitting on a cold marble fountain in the dark downtown. He lives 5 minutes from downtown and I waited 20. That was enough I say.
He COULD have said–“meet me for a drink at the wine bar. I still wouldn’t have waited more than 20 minutes but it would have felt nicer. And what is with the down vibe when I say I’m busy–and the “you call ME when you have TIME.” We only went out ONCE!!!
Where are the men who get it that they LOWER themselves in my eyes by not being the one to call me, and by not nailing down my next available time without pouting.
If you insist I call you you just turned into the girl and I’m not interested.
On my walk home from the fountain I stopped in the 24 hour health club and found out I can afford it, so it wasn’t a total waste.

You help bring home how I really ‘got’ how to ‘just be’ and let go of any outcome and any form of control. All FM was about ME ONLY, nothing about him or what he did…and I ended up getting more of what I want from him.

Grrrr. I feel irritated, I read words literally and write them literally. I feel so frustrated when other people not on hear different forum then respond and write things that I have not written. Changing my words to then give totally different meaning and making stuff up. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH, Vampire scream!!!!! I feel sad that I have no control over others doing this. Sometimes it feels so very difficult to communicate and then I feel lonely sad. It feel great when I have those rare moment where i just gell with someone and this doesn’t happen.

I really really really dislike evasive wishy washy language it makes me feel off balance and unsafe. It feels meaningless and non committal. It’s like I am talking to a politician, I feel manipulated when this happens it makes me feel unnerved,

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