Friday, March 30, 2012

It’s late March which means that no one particularly cares about college football right now. Unless you are Brady, of course, who might be the most objectionable person that I’ve never met. Needless to say, it would have to be a pretty big story (or at least an interesting one) that would make me “Jump Around” at this time of the year. That being said…

Bret Bielema has to have at least 4 million horseshoes up his ass, right? I mean, seriously, for a guy that chokes in almost every big game that he coaches in and whines about really dumb stuff that he doesn’t think that he controls even though he most definitely does, he sure does seem to catch all the breaks. I just want to reiterate that Bret Bielema is a terrible football coach. He would probably be ELITE in the Big East but he is garbage in the Big Ten. Fortunately, talent steers the ship up in Madison anyway. It has nothing to do with him.

When Scott Tolzein graduated two years ago, the Badgers had almost zero back-up plans to replace him. What they did have in-house was either a greenhorn or hurt. Seriously, Wisconsin had not even a below average quarterback ready to start for them in 2011. And then Russell Wilson fell into their lap, they would have played for a national title if it wasn’t for two RIDIC chokes, they still won the Big Ten anyway, and then they got steamrolled in the Rose Bowl. Uh oh, what happens now that Wilson is gone?

The exact same scenario played out in Cheese-ville again this winter. Bielema, whether it be shitty recruiting practices or general incompetence (probably both), was left with zero options to be his quarterback this coming Fall. Nothing. It doesn’t take much to run the Wisconsin offense as long as you can hand the ball off and throw play-action passes to tight ends and fullbacks where the ball is never in the air for more than 10 yards. But there they were again, without anyone that could even do that.

Yet here comes Danny O’Brien to the rescue to save Bielema’s ass again. Now, if you don’t know anything about O’Brien, he comes to Madison from Maryland where he did not get along with Randy Edsall because Randy Edsall is an asshole. He isn’t as skilled as Russell Wilson but he definitely has a set of skills that the pros would take a flier on. He’s not Andrew Luck, but O’Brien is probably the best pocket QB in the Big Ten (at least he is off the top of my head).

I don’t know how Bret Bielema keeps doing it. He keeps falling ass backwards into above average/good quarterbacks from the ACC that don’t have to sit out at all. How is this possible? It’s a miracle that it happened once. Double B has pulled this off for two consecutive years now! And with Ohio State banned, you can pretty much guarantee that Wisconsin is going to win whatever side of the stupid conference that they play on. Bret Bielema is a gash. I hope that he didn’t buy a Mega Millions ticket for tonight because it is quite obvious that he will win. Dickhead.

Feel free to discuss whatever you want to today. If you want to talk about spring football, I might even allow that. For one thing, I kind of like Urban Meyer coming out and pretty much constantly announcing that all of the offensive linemen are pussies. That is hilarious. In case you didn’t notice, my baseball prediction post did not come today because I am a liar. It will be up on Wednesday just in time for Opening Day. Still waiting to hear from Dut…

Drew, if I won, the first thing that I was planning on buying was a group of henchmen to do all of my dirty work for me (and there will be a lot). But your idea is solid. Private charter to the best rib joint in Amuuurrrrica sounds good to me. We should get that insane Jet Blue pilot to fly us.

Sweet Pea to Believeland? What was that? A decent move by your front office? Cray cray!

Nickelback is too new for Bielema. I'm feeling that he's a big Def Lepp guy.

I'm fine with the insane Jet Blue pilot leading our ribs mission. Honestly, the way I picture my private jet trips is how I picture being on party buses for weddings and shit. It's gonna be noisy...tv's on and errybody gonna get shitfaced. That cockpit will need to be triple dead-bolted shut to make sure no drunken shenanigans enter it.

Thank you, Lange. I'm glad that at least one person from this comment section is good for a $5 investment. Send the cash to 3247 W. Alexis Toledo Ohio 43613.

It's over 500 million, boys. Why stop at the best rib joint? If I win I will have everyone take a week off work and fly you assholes to the 5 best rib places in America. We'll just party our dicks off for 7 straight days. Dut is out...unless he lets us film him using G$'s fleshlight so we can put it on the Internet.

Last year's Wisky game at the shoe was the best football game I've been to in a long time. I LOL'd the whole time as litte fat kids from Wiconsin left the stadium crying. I wanted to drink their tears.

I just sent out Damman's money, and didn't have your address, Iceman. Mainly, no actually, entirely, because I didn't feel like scouring this site for it. I actually haven't even seen how I did during the tournament until today. Not bad.

You guys are starting to make me root for you to win the lottery. But I don't go anywhere without porn star stewardesses. That is a dealbreaker.

I put in 5 bucks for the office MM pool. The guy running it just dropped off a photocopied packet of all of our chances. It's ten fucking pages long. Yes, I have 170 chances to win viz the office pool. 170 out 175 million...I LIKE THOSE ODDS!!!

Oh, rest assured that if I win, I will throw the greatest box social the world has ever seen. All the great pornstars (who don't do interracial, obvz) will be in attendance, namely Ashlynn Brooke. I will even pay for Evan Stone to be there to throw back a few with G$ while Dut hits on him.

Drew, since we were talking about Hunwick on Wednesday, did you see what he wore during warm-ups? The Jackets didn't have pads or a helmet for him or something so he wore his Michigan pads and helmet with a Jackets jersey. HILARIOUS. This team is such a disgrace.