In the year 2030, we will all (hopefully) be all still cruising.... I have gazed into my crystal ball and come up with these predictions: (And there's no 900 number to call)

- The average cruise ships are 1,500,000 GRT and totally solar-powered. There is no Captain, as they are fully automated. You take a tram to the top of the mountain in St. Thomas to wave to your buddies level with you back on the ship, on the top deck. One of the tenders is (oddly enough) named Ryndam, and is 50,000 GRT. Cruises to Nowhere are the norm, as these ships cannot port anywhere. Motion sickness is a thing of the past, as these ships are three times longer than the longest wavelength (crest-to-crest) ever recorded at sea. Airliners land directly aboard the ship.

- Onboard features include holographic basketball (play against the "dream team" of your choosing), Holographic Entertainment (the Beatles are re-united tonight to play requests and interact with the audience), a "Speak with the Dolphins" encounter (translation was recently perfected) as they swim near the ship, and there is an anti-gravity skateboarding deck all the way around the ship. There is even a bungee tower next to the funnel (try to dip your head in the water!).

- Voyager of the Seas is referred to as the "Grand Old Lady", and is only chosen by older cruisers waxing nostalgic.

- Cruises will be cheap... dirt cheap. The catch is EVERYTHING is extra. If you want to eat at Spago's, make reservations as soon as you board. If McDonald's is more your speed, get in line. Dominos delivers to your cabin on rollerblades, "3 Minutes or it's Free". Look out in the halls!!!

- All the old farts tell disbelieving youngsters about the good ol' days, when the food was included in the cruise fare, and the service was first class all the way.

- Britney Spears, Celine Dion, Faith Hill, Garth Brooks and the Backstreet Boys are the featured entertainment. The young kids roll their eyes and squirm in their seats.... "You used-ta listen to this sh**??"

- You get the very latest digital imaging device for free, if you are willing to sit through a two-hour timeshare spiel, selling you a "cabin" of your very own, two weeks a year, until you die. (Surprised that they haven't done this one already...)

- The Mall of the Americas opens it's first branch at sea.... 500 stores. And movie theatres. And an amusement park. A new ship on the drawing board features a full-sized wave pool.

- The latest cabins to be marketed are "Restaurant-View" category, having breathtaking balconies overlooking the main 11-storey dining room. These follow on the heels of "Casino-View" and "Showlounge-View" balcony categories. Imagine never having to save a seat again for the show. "Pool-View" balconies have been popular for years, with the optional $50 deck chairs of your very own.

- ResidenSea announces the first "Complete-Care Geriatric Retirement Facility" at sea. With multi-national attendants. "Tipping Not Required" policy in effect.

- There are only two cruise lines in the world: MicroSoft Cruise Lines and IDTWAV Cruises (IBM/Disney/Time/Warner/Atlantic/Virgin Inc.)

- Musician "Kid Rock" is elected President of the United States, with First Lady "Lita" of WWE fame, and immediately declare war on everybody. Every ship is escorted by helicopter gunship, and on-board security is by US Navy Seals. Surface-to-air missiles and laser defence system located in the (fake) smokestack.

- The 2030 Olympics are the first to be awarded to a cruise ship. The Superbowl and World Series having been previously proven to be huge on-ship successes.