I miss beans with Breakfast... and proper bacon. Always a bit iffy on the fried tomatoes and a bit sueamish for black pudding - I mean, it's basically a scab, right?

On the other hand here in yankieland you get some nice potato options - in the UK hash browns are beleived to be those freid pattie things that come in McDonalds breakfasts, and i don't think I;ve seen anywhere do homefries.posted by Artw at 10:19 AM on May 5, 2012

I made the mistake of sprinkling pepper on my breakfast while in England. It was not the black pepper I'm accustomed to and it poisoned the entire dish. What is that stuff?posted by gngstrMNKY at 10:20 AM on May 5, 2012

Though, it would probably be a good sometimes Sunday option.

Best consumed after a night of booze.posted by Artw at 10:21 AM on May 5, 2012

After a Full English you are obligated to go pull a tractor with your teeth or shoot down some French knights to justify the time and expense.posted by The Whelk at 10:22 AM on May 5, 2012 [20 favorites]

Black pudding is a terrifying abomination that even my dog shunned. Everything else, including the fried slice: LET ME LOVE YOU.posted by elizardbits at 10:22 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh, and anyone caught using tinned mushrooms for anything should be hung drawn and quartered.posted by Artw at 10:24 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

(ignore this strange instruction to cook it in a fresh pan)

that IS strange, why on earth would you use a fresh pan for a Full English? The whole idea is that everything fries together into a melange of oily fatty crispy goodness.posted by The Whelk at 10:25 AM on May 5, 2012

Assuming you mean the first comment in that previous thread, it looks like it was a riff on a slogan for "Honey Bunches of Oats", though googling the phrase "it's what's for breakfast" shows that people have been appropriating it and riffing on it for a while.posted by kilo hertz at 10:29 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

do not make your own, it's pointless, pretentious and it will always taste more like salsa than a proprietary ketchup

I make my own ketchup, from Fergus Henderson's The Whole Beast, and it is delicious. It contains as many apples as tomatoes, and a good amount of onions. Apple is not something I would have thought was an ingredient, and probably makes the difference.posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:29 AM on May 5, 2012

The lack of back bacon in the second link is a sin. All I can see in her pics is what looks like burnt shoe leather, I assume it is 'American' style streaky bacon.posted by Virtblue at 10:29 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Both the FPP links omit the best part of the Full English: fried bread.
The first just has toast and the second omits bread entirely.

I mean yeah ok, there's a lot of other food there, much of it greasy, but you don't get that frisson of really walking the razor's edge of cardiac failure until you have your fried bread.posted by juv3nal at 10:31 AM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

...wait Tinned Mushrooms exist? Not dried but actually tinned?

Tinned mushrooms exist. They have the texture of escargots, without the butter or garlic flavour.
The horror. The horror.posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 10:32 AM on May 5, 2012

Anyway I usually subtract the tomato cause in my years of cooking no one has ever eaten the grilled tomato no matter how slowly I cook it or how delicately I season it.posted by The Whelk at 10:32 AM on May 5, 2012

I mean yeah ok, there's a lot of other food there, much of it greasy, but you don't get that frisson of really walking the razor's edge of cardiac failure until you have your fried bread.

Fried bread cheese sandwich cooked in bacon fat.posted by The Whelk at 10:33 AM on May 5, 2012

Let's save me an AskMe: where in NYC can one go to get the closest thing one can to an authentic full English breakast?posted by griphus at 10:33 AM on May 5, 2012

Is it always the case to have both sausage AND bacon? Having two kinds of swine for breakfast seems really decadent to me for some reason.posted by cazoo at 10:35 AM on May 5, 2012

Anyway I usually subtract the tomato cause in my years of cooking no one has ever eaten the grilled tomato no matter how slowly I cook it or how delicately I season it.

In some ways I find the grilled tomato to be the best part. It, along with the beans, is what really sets the Full English apart from its American equivalent (e.g. bacon, sausage, eggs, and toast/biscuits/pancakes/waffles). Both contain fried meats, eggs, and bread, but only the Full English has the passing nod to vegetables.posted by jedicus at 10:35 AM on May 5, 2012 [10 favorites]

Delicately season it? The good old spitting pig fat has more than enough seasoning.posted by Virtblue at 10:36 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh just avoid tea and sympathy, it's a crowded kitschy claptrap full of English tourists desperate for milky tea and clotted cream, although the fish fry place next door is really goodposted by The Whelk at 10:36 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Along with a few hunks of leftover pork shoulder cause you made pulled pork last night and forgot that one pork shoulder results in about 87 servings of shredded, spicy pork and you have to use it up somehow.posted by The Whelk at 10:42 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

(I was searching for Full English Breakfasts in NYC and I found an article on them from 9 in the NYT with this comment after it:

"Whoah! Too dangerous a breakfast! A full cup of black tea and a serving of tuna or mackerel after a good workout of 11.5 mets is my cup of tea."

This is the most New York Times comment ever. It just needs to be exasperated at young people not getting married to be complete)posted by The Whelk at 10:46 AM on May 5, 2012 [11 favorites]

It also happens to have one of the best names I have ever come across, A Salt & Battery.
People used to call a fried brekky the rather gruesome 'the full train smash'.posted by Abiezer at 10:46 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I thought the difference between Full Irish and English was the presence of oatmeal and a different kind of Pudding?

Not a different kind, but an additional kind; a full Irish should have a slice of black pudding and one of white (i.e., suet pudding). Also: soda bread aka soda farl, as mentioned in the first link.

Black or blood pudding (aka boudin noir) is one of if not THE most glorious foodstuffs known to man. Although cooking it in the house may cause Mrs. Fnarf to scowl and start flapping the door open and shut, if she should be present.

As an American I take the liberty of adding BOTH back bacon and streaky bacon. The more meats the merrier. I forgo the hash browns, though, much as I love them, for another day, another breakfast. The "toast as egg and bean lifter" vs. "toast as mopper-upper after" dilemma is solved by having more toast.

And Marmite, don't forget Marmite. Or Vegemite; unlike most people, I am ecumenical on the subject. Both are delicious.posted by Fnarf at 10:48 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

I looked at those pictures and started salivating. Now I need to figure out where in Austin I can get something approximating English breakfast.posted by immlass at 10:51 AM on May 5, 2012

(It looks like about two whole days' worth at a sustainability pace.)posted by bukvich at 10:56 AM on May 5, 2012

It's imperative to use the sausage as a kind of breakwater between the egg and the beans. I may mix them together but I want that to be my choice!posted by fingerbang at 10:56 AM on May 5, 2012 [8 favorites]

Oh GAWD I had the full breakfast when I was traveling in England and Scotland some years back. Two days in a Scottish B&B in Callander (at Annfield House) and despite the guilt of knowing how much trouble I was putting the lovely matron through, I couldn't resist ordering it both mornings.

As it happened, all the calories fueled some hiking and biking around Loch Katrine and Balquhidder. Beautiful country!

The right question (which you then bury under the newspaper) is "How much will this clog my arteries?" You ask this and then immediately proceed to dip buttered toast into the yolk. With a forkful of bacon plus beans on the side.posted by infini at 10:59 AM on May 5, 2012

* pancake and sausage on the same plate no longer seems weird to me.
* sunny side up actually IS a nice way to have eggs
* Tabasco sauce now seems a natural part of breakfast

Someday I'll refer to a muffin as "an English muffin" and all will be lost.

Oh, and beyond the yank breakfast, some of the Mexican (or at least quasi-Mexican, I'm in Seattle here so assuming a lot of drift) options are pretty nice too.posted by Artw at 11:07 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Someday I'll refer to a muffin as "an English muffin" and all will be lost.

Thats okay, there are no decent crumpets in his hemisphere so you are in no danger of getting them mixed up.posted by The Whelk at 11:13 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

On the other hand here in yankieland you get some nice potato options - in the UK hash browns are beleived to be those freid pattie things that come in McDonalds breakfasts, and i don't think I;ve seen anywhere do homefries.

So, apropos of the above, may I propose The Full Southern: Two eggs sunny side up, hash browns (prepared in any of the canonical Waffle House varieties), white toast with butter, grits (on "the side" acceptable but not canon), link sausage and two buttermilk American style pancakes with maple syrup, tomato ketchup and Tabasco sauce as sides, served with a large glass of cold milk and a cup of hideously bad coffee?posted by digitalprimate at 11:15 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

And NO BAKED BEANS.

English baked beans (Heinz, in the turquoise can) are different than American Heinz. Tomatoeier, less brown sugary, less syrupy. American Heinz is good with your hot dog or hamburger but would indeed be unspeakably vile with breakfast. English beans are GREAT with breakfast, though (and at no other time).posted by Fnarf at 11:16 AM on May 5, 2012 [10 favorites]

Now I miss the Irish breakfast at the Burren. One of only three reasons to ever go back to that godforsaken city. I don't know how authentic it was, all I know is that I could sit down, order it, and methodically eat the entire thing as my best friend who is three times my weight and volume watched on in awe. And then when I asked for extra pudding they would oblige.posted by Mizu at 11:16 AM on May 5, 2012

As an expat American here in the UK, have never really gotten used to the beans and mushrooms. They're just ok.

Even the cheapest sausages here though are better than any of the American breakfast sausages (Louisiana Hot links excluded!) Eggs are just better in the UK than in the US. And I've come to appreciate the different bacon.

I do miss buttermilk pancakes. I thought they were simple but nobody in the UK knows how to make them. Same with hash browns.posted by vacapinta at 11:16 AM on May 5, 2012

I thought they were simple but nobody in the UK knows how to make them. Same with hash browns.

Actually I have some UKians visiting this week, they've never been here before, maybe I should introduce them the buttery starch bomb that is a US Diner Breakfast: Two Eggs Sunny Side Up, Two Buttermilk pancakes (with fruit), maple syrup, crisp thin bacon, home fries, spicy sausage, orange juice, terrible coffee, water with ice, white toast with an array of increasingly psychedelic fruit spreads.posted by The Whelk at 11:22 AM on May 5, 2012 [9 favorites]

oh and hot sauce on the eggs of course.posted by The Whelk at 11:23 AM on May 5, 2012

Buttermilk pancakes are incredibly simple to make, although it's possible that what we call buttermilk or what we call baking powder or what we call vanilla extract may not be easily available there. (I was constantly mystified when I lived in Germany at how different basic ingredients are there. They have this thing called "vanilla sugar" which I'd never seen before and still have never seen in the US, but it was in a LOT of recipes.)

Anyway, hashbrowns are much more difficult to do right. Do them wrong, and you end up with warm uncooked soggy (if not with water than with grease) potato shreds. I'm still trying to figure out a foolproof recipe for them, and have only found two restaurants in this area that really do them right. So... I'm not surprised about that.

I had this odd bit of synthistetia there looking at the can. Before I had even read the words the very essence of thing permeated my subconscious and I felt cold and greasy before knowing why.posted by The Whelk at 11:29 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Griphus that's not a stick therefore it is not american.

It's American-ness is exemplified by the fact that were it launched into outer space and recovered one hundred years hence, it would taste exactly the same.posted by griphus at 11:29 AM on May 5, 2012

Actually I have some UKians visiting this week, they've never been here before, maybe I should introduce them the buttery starch bomb that is a US Diner Breakfast: Two Eggs Sunny Side Up, Two Buttermilk pancakes (with fruit), maple syrup, crisp thin bacon, home fries, spicy sausage, orange juice, terrible coffee, water with ice, white toast with an array of increasingly psychedelic fruit spreads.

Seriously, even a Denny's will be fascinating for them. Or take them to IHOP so they can laugh at the I.posted by Artw at 11:29 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

Seriously, even a Denny's will be fascinating for them. Or take them to IHOP so they can laugh at the I.

Better than either of those... take them to a truck stop diner. The traditional americanness of the fare is only outdone by the sheer size of the portions.posted by hippybear at 11:31 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

Thank god I already ate before reading this thread, by the way. Looking in my kitchen I could probably wrangle something similar (sans pudding and beans, so what the hell would have been the point??) and then I would have fallen into a food coma for the rest of the day. Kudos on the FPP timing.posted by Mizu at 11:32 AM on May 5, 2012

Holy crap there is an iHop on E 14th. WELL I KNOW WHAT EXOTIC WONDERS I'LL BE SHOWING MY GUESTS TOMORROW.posted by The Whelk at 11:32 AM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

No, the vast, unknowable void tastes like the secret off-menu stuff Ethnic people order at Ethnic restaurants in their Foreign Languages.posted by griphus at 11:33 AM on May 5, 2012

it would taste exactly the same

UNTRUE it would taste of the vast unknowable void

Sometimes when you're staring into the void all you really want is a sandwich.posted by The Whelk at 11:34 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Standard breakfast for me through junior high and high school was half a pound of bacon, two slices of ham fried in the bacon grease, three or four fried eggs, several pieces of toast with butter and honey, oatmeal, orange juice, and several glasses of milk. French toast or pancakes replaced the oatmeal on the weekends.

I was unaware of anything unusual about this until I went to college (we were a reclusive family after my sister ran away), where one of the dorm cooks glanced over at me one morning and said 'few more like you, we'd be raisin' rates 'round here.'

I would have spurned any vegetable other than potatoes in the morning.posted by jamjam at 11:34 AM on May 5, 2012

some of the Mexican (or at least quasi-Mexican, I'm in Seattle here so assuming a lot of drift) options are pretty nice too.

Huevos rancheros is one of my favorite all-time breakfasts, probably only behind some sort of benedict. (There are a whole lot of fancified huevos rancheros in the Google image search. Really, folks?)posted by smirkette at 11:41 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

English baked beans (Heinz, in the turquoise can) are different than American Heinz. Tomatoeier, less brown sugary, less syrupy. American Heinz is good with your hot dog or hamburger but would indeed be unspeakably vile with breakfast. English beans are GREAT with breakfast, though (and at no other time).

Our local Harris Teeter actually carries those (in the International section). I'd wondered why they'd bothered; perhaps I should try them just for the heck of it.posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:41 AM on May 5, 2012

Thank God I am an American Southerner. Eggs. Bacon. Toast.Grits. With butter and salt. Washed down with good old American coffee.

/me pushes my glasses down my nose and looks over them, very sternly, at St. Alia...

You best put some biscuits on that plate or General Sherman will come a-huntin' for you.

And NO BAKED BEANS. That's for putting with hot dogs or hamburgers at lunch.

I'm with you on this, but English-style baked beans are radically unlike the proper American kind. They're in just a thin tomato sauce, not sweet at all.posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:44 AM on May 5, 2012

That should be everyone's philosophy toward all food everywhere.

Except, like A Portrait Of Dorian Grey, this philosophy leads to you eating fermented shark.posted by The Whelk at 11:45 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

While I appreciate the various Full [Nationality] Breakfasts as demonstrations of a national character or something, I think it is a verifiable scientific fact that no breakfast without latke can be reasonably called "full."posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:46 AM on May 5, 2012

Breakfast of (southern) champions -- Grits with butter and crumbled bacon, washed down with an iced cold glass of sweet tea.posted by SweetTeaAndABiscuit at 11:51 AM on May 5, 2012

this philosophy leads to you eating fermented shark

hakarl should be banned under the geneva conventionsposted by elizardbits at 11:52 AM on May 5, 2012

Our local Harris Teeter actually carries those (in the International section). I'd wondered why they'd bothered; perhaps I should try them just for the heck of it.

Do, do. You can also enjoy the comfort of beans on a slice of hot well buttered toast. You can melt some cheddar into the beans to make it more fancy.posted by Virtblue at 11:52 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

The perfect southern breakfast is just the biscuits and gravy from Elmo's in Carrboro NC, ideally eaten just late enough in the morning so that you have to decide whether to have coffee or tea with it.posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:57 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

The best breakfast I've ever had was at a kind of dive-y Colombian diner in Miami. It was labeled as a peasants breakfast and was just a gigantic plate of meat and beans. I still don't know what the thing that looked like a spine was, but it was delicious.

In currently eating eggs Benedict, grits, fried potatoes, coffee and a mimosa in the capital of the confederacy. Brunch is the best part of living in richmond.posted by empath at 11:58 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Okay, for the record, what exactly is the difference between ketchup and Fancy Ketchup? Do they wear ballgowns and monocles while processing it?posted by The Whelk at 11:59 AM on May 5, 2012

Can someone explain kittens for breakfast's joke in the previously thread?

The joke is a play on the username: "That's not what's for breakfast[, kittens are what's for breakfast]."posted by stopgap at 12:01 PM on May 5, 2012

fry. Fry-up I mean. We're not setting anyone on fire til lunchposted by The Whelk at 12:01 PM on May 5, 2012

I am craving black pudding now, and it is difficult to find it here, for some reason I have found a love for organ meats and things like organ meatsposted by PinkMoose at 12:08 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

also the best southern breakfast i ever had was banana waffles, coffee, grits, gravy, biscuits and squirrel in a diner in new orleans, on magazine street--yes squirrell.posted by PinkMoose at 12:10 PM on May 5, 2012

The phrase "fancy ketchup" comes from the deterioration of a Welsh faux ami. What we call "fancy ketchup," which is barely distinct from regular ketchup save a slightly higher ratio of sugar to tomato, comes from the Welsh-American term "ffngth ketchup." "Ffngth" means "unsoured," which may seem strange until you realize that the substance the Welsh traditionally refer to as "ketchup" is fermented pig's blood.posted by griphus at 12:10 PM on May 5, 2012 [8 favorites]

"There are many different ways to cook eggs but most of them are purely of interest to invalids, children and the feeble-minded. The correct or ‘proper English egg’ is fried with lightly browned edges in the fat left over from the bacon. At the last minute, oil is flicked over the top of the yolk to seal it. This dangerous procedure causes the yolk to form a perfect, golden, viscid capsule, the violation of which with a rough shard of toast, is the nearest that an Englishman will permit himself to unbridled sexual ecstasy."posted by MartinWisse at 12:14 PM on May 5, 2012 [27 favorites]

I ran against the full english breakfast by mistake. It came with my hotel room in Kensington - portions for two. I was the only one staying there, so I picked the best: coffee (it was swell, fresh and bitter, had both portions), freshly squeezed orange juice, a bit of ham (there was ham, sausage and back bacon), a few slices of toast and jam. Tried the bacon, it's naff compared to American bacon, and the sausage was bland. Good thing I did that - went on a (mostly) walking tour that included the V&A, Natural History, Tate Modern, and a walk back on the Milllenium bridge to St Paul's. It was like a buffet delivered to my door. I couldn't figure the baked beans...wonder whether that's a postwar artfiact.posted by nj_subgenius at 12:21 PM on May 5, 2012

Growing up in Ayrshire, this is basically the weekend breakfast of my childhood, usually supplemented with the addition of white pudding.

Now I'm a sophisticated adult and know all about what this actually does to your insides, the Sunday breakfast is a much more sophisticated and balanced affair: toasted ciabatta, salmon, spinach, poached egg, hollandaise sauce. But my lizard brain still craves the full Scottish.posted by daveje at 12:26 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you think the baked beans are strange, what about the kippers and kedgeree (horrible horibble pretend Indian curry mainly featured slightly off white rice and raisins) stern victorians breakfasted with?

I spent a long weekend in a b&b in Plymouth with my parents a couple of weeks ago and we had the fried breakfast each day, but only my dad dared try the kippers. He's also the only one who would've taken on The Whelk's offer of fried tomatoes -- they're good for lowering your bad cholesterol so that you can actually eat the breakfast without keeling over. That was his theory anyway and he was sticking to it.

Methinks I might just skip out to one of the Oirish pubs here in Amsterdam tomorrow for breakfast/lunch.posted by MartinWisse at 12:29 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I love that the English capacity for cognitive dissonance about national foods allows for simultaneously denouncing hash browns as a vulgar Americanism and insisting that no brand of baked beans except Heinz is acceptable.posted by strangely stunted trees at 12:35 PM on May 5, 2012 [15 favorites]

Hash browns are so much better than baked beans, there's no comparison.posted by empath at 12:40 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

I haven't had a full fried English breakfast in years. Reading this is making me drool. I'll have to explore my local stores and see if they have some decent baked beans hidden away on some international aisle.posted by Forktine at 12:43 PM on May 5, 2012

If you think the baked beans are strange, what about the kippers and kedgeree

Your not knocking kippers are you? Kippers are delicious and I'll not hear a word against them.posted by antiwiggle at 12:44 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Looking at those pics reminds me of an old line from Michael Palin's "Ripping Yarns." Some guy keeps going on and on about how his mother cooked, "her black pudding was so black, even the white bits were black."posted by charlie don't surf at 12:46 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Kippers are for suppressing subversive thoughts and feelings in Victorian children.posted by The Whelk at 12:46 PM on May 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

(In fact there is a hilarious scene in To Say Nothing Of The Dog where a time traveler from the near future is outed at a fancy Edwardian breakfast cause he was expecting a full english ("for the lower orders only") and instead got nothing but very completely inedible fish dishes.)posted by The Whelk at 12:48 PM on May 5, 2012

Enough said. I take breakfast very seriously. Now somebody get busy posting pix of congee.posted by digitalprimate at 12:56 PM on May 5, 2012

I have a can of Heinz Beans imported from the UK and even though I bought it last year, the label looks like something from a WWII movie. Apparently marketing design hasn't changed in half a century there.posted by octothorpe at 12:56 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Baked beans are shite. The classic full English features fried egg, bacon (back bacon, not that streaky, crispy American shite), glorious British sausage, fried mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, black pudding, fried bread and TEA.

English beans are GREAT with breakfast, though (and at no other time).

The exception to this statement is that the classic British culinary invention of baked beans on toast is a wholly appropriate and delicious snack / starter/ side/ amuse-bouche at any time of dayposted by Bwithh at 1:08 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

sausage was bland

To my uk-raised palate, American breakfast sausages/sausage patty and links tend to be taste too intensely of pig or beef - you have a pork link in the US and you definitely know you'ree eating nothing but PIG... I think uk sausages have more non-meat / flavouring involved... which I prefer but of course i do, I grew up with them...posted by Bwithh at 1:13 PM on May 5, 2012

On my first trip to England, at a meeting in Windsor, I was introduced to the Full English by my British co-workers.

I partook and gained significant cred by eating black pudding. As an American, this was not expected of me.

As far as the Great Beans debate. Everyone I saw ate a ton of beans. I remember watching one guy arrange his plate with all required components and then take a ladle of Heinz beans and pour it all over the plate, literally covering the other food.

When I tried to drink tea without milk, I was physically restrained and they made me drink a 'proper tea'. Much to be said for allowing the locals to guide your eating. To this day I take my tea with milk and sugar and have taught my daughters this.

Later in the trip, we got properly drunk watching a football match and then had a cab take us to get kebabs. Again, I was shown the proper way to do things while in England.posted by Argyle at 1:15 PM on May 5, 2012 [8 favorites]

The Whelk, thanks for those links. Now I know which Mefite gets the bill for my home angioplasty kit.posted by datawrangler at 1:22 PM on May 5, 2012

proper English dining is nice. More people should partake in it. I feel the urge to engage in every single argument in this thread, but it would be absurd. You have to to try it out. Go ahead! a single try isn't dangerous.
Proper is a core concept here.posted by mumimor at 1:26 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Methinks I might just skip out to one of the Oirish pubs here in Amsterdam tomorrow for breakfast/lunch.

As a U.S. expat about to move "back home"...I WILL MISS YOU, FULL ENGLISH. Let me count the ways:

I will miss you with cheap "obviously snouts and breadcrumbs" sausages.

I will miss you with high quality pork and seasonings/fruit sausages.

I will miss you with the chipolatas that the hoity toity cafe down the street does in theirs (with mozarella melted into the beans)

I will miss you with fried bread, with white bread, with wholemeal bread, with "rustic artisan" bread.

I will miss you with mushrooms that are FRESH and fried in butter and garlic (but not tinned or frozen, erargh). THAT IS SO RARE.

I will miss you with hearty back bacon, like little strips of smoked porkchops that are totally fucking impossible to cut with a reasonable amount of effort.

I will miss you with BAKED BEANS. You do not feel right without them. I never liked American baked beans, but your sauce tastes like Spaghetti-Os and so comforts me in a primal "small times" way and in that comfort I find the strength to keep from subjecting my English boyfriend to Velveeta ever again.

I will miss you with EGGS THAT ARE HALF RUNNY STILL. I got so good at surgically extracting the hated yolk from the whites with knife and fork that friends would applaud my skills (while horrified that no eggy soldiers would die that day)

And, because I am a goddamn American, I will miss you with THOSE HASHBROWN TRIANGLES. Especially DIPPED IN THE BEANS.

I will miss you occasionally having some chips kind of idly tossed into you, because why not?

I will not miss the black pudding, and the absence of the tomato will alleviate the guilt I always feel from leaving the only source of vegetable matter. I will also never miss white pepper, as long as I live. I am sorry, British People.

One time I made blueberry buttermilk pancakes with proper buttermilk and real syrup to show my best friend in Britain what true breakfast glory was. He got really excited and then said, questioningly, "But there's no meat in that, is there? Don't worry, I'll take care of it!" So we had the Full International Grad Student Breakfast: giant pancakes, two pounds of sausage, god only knows how many rashers of strange bacon, and a pile of black pudding discs which fused in part to my pan and which sat reproachfully like solid lumps of the bowels of the universe.posted by jetlagaddict at 2:13 PM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

The correct way to eat a full English/Irish/Scottish breakfast is to slowly back away until you are sure that its attention is no longer on you, then run! Run very fast and very far. Maybe have a nice bowl of oatmeal afterwards.

I realize I am swimming against the tide, but I have never eaten one of these meals and not regretted it for 12-36 hours afterwards. Eventually, I have learned my lesson. Now that I am eating relatively little meat, I suspect that all that animal fat might actually kill me by congealing my blood solid....posted by GenjiandProust at 2:33 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Years ago, I toured Scotland for two weeks. Every B&B served the Full Scottish, as well as starters in the form of salty porridge and, oddly, canned grapefruit.
After three consecutive mornings enjoying the Full, I grew adventurous and ordered the mysteriously named kippers instead.

I had encountered kippers only in children's books where they happened to be the stuff construction workers and stray cats breakfast on. An adventure!

The plate arrived. On it was something that looked like a mummified brown shoe sole. Except it had one eye. And it stared at me balefully while I tried to chew through the amternatingly leathery and boney consistency.

Our full English always included kippers in addition to the pig parts. Quite the lover of black pudding don't see it all that often here in the US. We always served the beans cold rather than heat them up as Americans are want to do. The Old China Hand in Wan Chai Honk Kong used to do a proper full English helped with the inevitable hangover from the night before.posted by pdxpogo at 3:47 PM on May 5, 2012

I love that the English capacity for cognitive dissonance about national foods allows for simultaneously denouncing hash browns as a vulgar Americanism and insisting that no brand of baked beans except Heinz is acceptable.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 12:35 PM on May 5 [5 favorites +] [!]

Heinz has long had a big presence in the UK - Not only are its British baked beans different but it makes at least one product which has been a storied favourite amongst Britons since the War: Salad cream

Pro tip: as some Chinese chefs in England have discovered: salad cream makes for an amazing sauce to stir fry shrimp inposted by Bwithh at 3:58 PM on May 5, 2012

Heinz has long had a big presence in the UK - Not only are its British baked beans different but it makes at least one product which has been a storied favourite amongst Britons since the War: Salad cream

This sentence would have made more sense if I had not left out the bit about the one product not being available in the US domesticallyposted by Bwithh at 4:01 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

My favorite part:

Ketchup. (Note to chefs: do not make your own, it's pointless, pretentious and it will always taste more like salsa than a proprietary ketchup.)posted by cell divide at 4:03 PM on May 5, 2012

How can you possibly pass up the tomato and mushrooms in a fry-up? Other than the tea, it's probably the only thing keeping your heart from stopping right there at the table.

I was raised on the proper fry-up brekkie by my Irish/English parents but the one brekkie I will always remember (and salivate at the thought of it) is the fry-up my mum made after I have birth to my first child in her bed. She was worried the whole time I was in labour and spent most of that time feeding the midwives. Once I had my little girl and she finished dancing I had a nice long shower. Then I remember walking down her stairs to her cooking up a mad feast of fry-up for me an the midwives. A mothers loves, served fried in the proper British Isles tradition.posted by saucysault at 4:16 PM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

Why is everything burned and gray?

Joke answer: you said English cooking, right?

Real answer: it looks fine to me. The mushrooms might be a little overdone, but the rest looks fine.

Tinned mushrooms exist. They have the texture of escargots, without the butter or garlic flavour.
The horror. The horror.

They are perfectly serviceable in dishes where the mushrooms are not the main flavor component. Fry up a couple of pork chops, sautee the mushrooms in the grease (if you were lucky enough to get proper fatty pork chops), and then dump some brown gravy on top. It's not gourmet, but it's quick and easy.

Heinz has long had a big presence in the UK - Not only are its British baked beans different but it makes at least one product which has been a storied favourite amongst Britons since the War: Salad cream.

Vile. Leave an opened jar of mayonnaise in the sun for an afternoon and that's a good approximation of the stuff. Even better if it rains on it at some point.posted by gjc at 4:27 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've noticed an increasing tendency for the Australian version, the big brekkie - which is pretty much a Full English with a flat white - to become a Full British Columbia, with pancakes and maple syrup sneaking in on the side. When we do a big brekkie at home on Sundays it's a Full English followed by pancakes for 'dessert'.

(Which reminds me - I once had a big brekkie at Wycliffe Well, and it came with a grilled lamb forequarter chop smothered in tinned mushroom gravy. It was pretty good.)posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:31 PM on May 5, 2012

Or take them to IHOP

Every time I have been to IHOP something bizarre has happened. Homeless man takes off his clothes, gang-bangers crash through the window while fighting, mentally-ill couples scream abuse at each other for forty minutes, crockery crashes everywhere. One time a fellow at the next table got up and started waving around a huge sword.posted by Fnarf at 4:35 PM on May 5, 2012 [9 favorites]

The Guardian could have saves several hundred words by just saying: take the food and put it in your mouth hole.

That is, technically, how you eat a full English breakfast (or anything else).posted by asnider at 4:42 PM on May 5, 2012

I can't believe no one has mentioned bubble and squeak yet. Allow me to correct that: BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.

Oh dear. I see someone has mentioned bubble and squeak. Well, it needs to be mentioned again. So there.posted by Decani at 4:52 PM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

Salad cream.

Vile. Leave an opened jar of mayonnaise in the sun for an afternoon and that's a good approximation of the stuff. Even better if it rains on it at some point.
posted by gjc at 4:27 PM on May 5 [+] [!]

OK, you've got me clutching at my pearls here. I'm going to lie back and think of HP Sauce for a while.

Also, yes, Salad Cream is a vileness, harking back to the long-distant days when British food actually deserved the reputation it still has with the most ignorant of Americans.posted by Decani at 4:54 PM on May 5, 2012

HP sauce is magnificent. But put this stuff on your sausages and it will roger your sinuses so hard you'll be smiling through your tears of happy pain. It makes Colman's seem about as ferocious as custard.posted by Decani at 5:04 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

I had a lovely full English on the first morning of my last trip to London. Only mine had a "flat mushroom" instead of tomatoes. Then, tired from the redeye flight and swollen with fat, we made our way around Swiss Cottage and Primrose Hill. We probably left a slime trail. Had yet another one that Sunday, right across the street from St. Mary's Primrose Hill after services. It was then that I decided to divorce my husband and marry a Cumberland Sausage.posted by Biblio at 5:16 PM on May 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

Wait, where the hell is the fried Spam?
posted by crushedhope at 11:18 PM on May 5

No one has eaten Spam in Britain since 1978. August the 12th at 2:34 pm, to be exact.posted by Decani at 5:17 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

It was then that I decided to divorce my husband and marry a Cumberland Sausage.
posted by Biblio at 1:16 AM on May 6

You should have married a Lincolnshire. They have a greater girth.posted by Decani at 5:17 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Some of the best and consistently best meals of my life were had when I was driving through the North of England and eating in pubs. Lamb shank! Stews! Fresh veggies! local beer broths! Cider! It was an embarrassment of savory riches, and since I am not only married to but cook for a Britisher, I appreciated having good examples to sample - I can now make a Yorkshire pudding in my sleep and have attained a kind of holy communion with the frying oil. I have made roast goose on a whim and one of these days goddammit I'm going to make a shooter sandwich.

I've gained an appreciation for UK cooking*, is what I'm saying.

*Well I'm still not into the Full English cause I don't like mushrooms or sausage that much, but I can sure as fuck cook it up for you. I'm an apple and a cup of coffee kinda person, save the heavy fats for lunch. And then a nap.posted by The Whelk at 5:18 PM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh and my meat stews. You will tremble before my meat stews. Put a little bit on some cold chips with a fried egg. Maybe a pickled onion on the side? Yes. This is how we are eating now.posted by The Whelk at 5:20 PM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

Some of the best and consistently best meals of my life were had when I was driving through the North of England and eating in pubs.
posted by The Whelk at 1:18 AM on May 6

My favourite part of the Full English is reserving one piece of toast, unsplattered, for butter and marmalade, to have with the last cup of tea while you stare at nothing and try to imagine moving again. A sort of eating warm-down routine.
I can't be the only one who does this?posted by Catch at 5:24 PM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

And I developed a slight addiction to Burdock and Dandelion soda and Cask And Innis beer in the process.posted by The Whelk at 5:24 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Go here, if you can.

Argh, that was actually on the list but we needed to hightail it to Nottingham so I missed it.

But yeah, one of the few times that "Oh just stop in a village and eat anywhere" has actually worked and not resulted in disappointment. Yay The North. Yay for traditional foods.posted by The Whelk at 5:27 PM on May 5, 2012

My favourite part of the Full English is reserving one piece of toast, unsplattered, for butter and marmalade, to have with the last cup of tea while you stare at nothing and try to imagine moving again. A sort of eating warm-down routine.
I can't be the only one who does this?
posted by Catch at 1:24 AM on May 6

Indeed you are not. You must always finish with a last piece of toast and a final cup of tea. This is essential to the Full English experience.

It's Dandelion and Burdock, by the way. :-)posted by Decani at 5:29 PM on May 5, 2012

*goes back to mushing the mint into the peas*posted by The Whelk at 5:32 PM on May 5, 2012

Vile. Leave an opened jar of mayonnaise in the sun for an afternoon and that's a good approximation of the stuff. Even better if it rains on it at some point.

That fails to account for the solid matter. Perhaps if a bird shits in it.posted by Fnarf at 5:35 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

In the meantime, you all might like the check out the august ye olde breakfast review web blog The London Review of Breakfasts has international dispatches, many of them from all over the USA

Good Gods! They went to the Paper Moon in Baltimore and ordered a vegetarian Monte Christo? They probably nicked one of the doll heads on the way out.posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:43 PM on May 5, 2012

This thread is making me miss my dad. He'd make the full English on Sunday mornings: oh, the mushrooms, glistening with bacon grease. The tomatoes, squirting hot juice. The eggs and bacon together were sublime. The fried bread, crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. I always skipped the sausages but loved the beans. If there is a heaven, my dad wouldn't be happy with it unless it served what he called "a proper breakfast", so I hope it does.

One of the benefits of the English breakfast is that you don't need to eat again until evening, so it actually saves money, too!posted by jokeefe at 5:57 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

One of the benefits of the English breakfast is that you don't need to eat again until evening, so it actually saves money, too!

I so agree, I went to London a couple years back and ordered a full English fry up for the first time. I normally need to eat about every three hours to avoid getting cranky. That meal kept me going for a good 12 hours. I followed it up with a pret a manger sandwich for dinner and my budget was saved.posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 6:17 PM on May 5, 2012

With my current diet this breakfast probably has more fat than I'm allowed in a couple days, but damn it looks good. Enjoy your fry up, I'll be over here eating my oatmeal and dry toast...

Also, the tomaytotomaaahto.com site commits one of my cardinal website sins. Thou shalt not fuck with my default mouse behavior. Preventing people from highlighting text or right-clicking is really annoying. NoScript to the rescue.posted by the_artificer at 6:33 PM on May 5, 2012

LOVE this thread.

Thanks to my fascist freedom-hating stomach I wake up without an appetite, so my fry-up experiences happen mainly after all-nighters or parties -- probably the best possible time for them anyway. But I will chime in here as another yank British food fanatic; I am especially enamo(u)red of pub grub, kate-and-sidney pies and cornish pasties and scotch eggs DEAR GOD PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, why are these things not more popular here?!

Aussie food too, why is the "pie floater" -- a meat pie suspended in a bowl of pea soup -- not on every fucking diner menu in the US by now? I lucked out here in Los Angeles by having the "Rose and Crown Public House and Eatery" open up down the street, overflowing with sausage rolls and good ale.

I will say also that I grew up with Grandma from Savannah, so I'm extremely good friends with grits, but there is plenty of room in my enlarged heart for any luxurious comfort breakfast, whether it includes baked beans, aloo paratha, or a schmear.posted by jake at 7:03 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

On the edges of Scarboro in Toronto, in the middle of a mall that was built in the 70s, and now is mostly dead, with the exception of a sears, a local library, a variety of Indian variety stores, and an english export store and bakery. The baked goods are sublime (almost as good as the polish bakery at the ass end of Pape), but the export goods has Dandelin and Braddock soda for about the price of a fanta. It makes me so happy, Whelk, so indescriblely happy.posted by PinkMoose at 7:09 PM on May 5, 2012

the polish bakery is in roncesvalles, the danish bakery is in papeposted by PinkMoose at 7:14 PM on May 5, 2012

Eleven years, seven months, ten days of Metafilter and today I sustained my first thread-related injury. How did it take this long?

Look in a pub near Smithfield Meat Market in London, and you can have an all-you-can-eat buffet, including the fabled kippers, with a pint of Guinness to wash it down - at 7am. Remember the people in the meat market have been working since midnight or earlier.posted by anigbrowl at 7:27 PM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh wait said shelf also has some Malt vinegar cause that is awesome and mint sauce and also sardines and canned tomatoes and custard which he says hes going to have one day bu never opens.posted by The Whelk at 11:09 PM on May 5, 2012

/visited Fred Meyer "international" shelf and bought custard and beans today.posted by Artw at 11:12 PM on May 5, 2012

Oh, and I forgot to add, when I worked in a pub kitchen in the 1980s one of the dishes on offer was 'baked potatoes with garlic mayonnaise'. The 'garlic mayonnaise' was actually salad cream with garlic crushed into it. It was DELICIOUS.

Also on the menu was 'garlic mushrooms', which was sliced mushroom placed into a bowl with garlic butter and microwaved. Also delicious.posted by Summer at 3:15 AM on May 6, 2012

The pantry has a shelf called SIMON'S ODD ENGLISH SHIT and it currently has a wall of Heinz baked beans tins.

That and pickled onions and packets of trukish delight.

No Marmite?

And of course you meant "Truckish Delight".posted by Grangousier at 3:27 AM on May 6, 2012

Some poor deluded soul calling American bacon "shite"? Well. I love all kinds of bacon. And none call for nasty words. I guess we can't all be open minded. And closed arteries.posted by Splunge at 5:16 AM on May 6, 2012 [3 favorites]

Amen, Splunge.

I have traveled the world and in all those travels I have not met a pork product I did not love: Portuguese Secretos, Spanish Jamon Iberico, American crispy bacon, English back bacon, Michoacan-style carnitas and chicharrones, Southern fried pork chops, chitterlings. I love you all.posted by vacapinta at 6:31 AM on May 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

Eponysterical, actually. ;-)posted by Splunge at 6:44 AM on May 6, 2012

Question:I've never understood how people can eat meat at breakfast.
Doesn't it make you want to just lay on the couch after?

Answer:I so agree, I went to London a couple years back and ordered a full English fry up for the first time. I normally need to eat about every three hours to avoid getting cranky. That meal kept me going for a good 12 hours. I followed it up with a pret a manger sandwich for dinner and my budget was saved.

You have to fight through the heaviness, but once you get to the other side, a big, meaty breakfast is the key to enjoying your day.posted by gjc at 6:57 AM on May 6, 2012

Salad cream recipes: ...

Take ketchup, add salad cream. Marvel.

I've spent time in the UK, but somehow never met salad cream. From what I can learn from google, it's basically flavored mayonnaise, more or less, right? Mixed with ketchup, it's what we would call fry sauce, and a sad thing it is when I travel to benighted regions of the US that serve fries (or in this thread, "chips") with ketchup only.posted by Forktine at 7:21 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

I like mayo, ketchup and dill pickle juice on just about anything.posted by Splunge at 7:40 AM on May 6, 2012

it's basically flavored mayonnaise, more or less

Mostly less; it's very much food product. At a push, though, runny vinegary mayonnaise. It always was awful.

Actually I have some UKians visiting this week, they've never been here before, maybe I should introduce them the buttery starch bomb that is a US Diner Breakfast: Two Eggs Sunny Side Up, Two Buttermilk pancakes (with fruit), maple syrup, crisp thin bacon, home fries, spicy sausage, orange juice, terrible coffee, water with ice, white toast with an array of increasingly psychedelic fruit spreads.

I did this to my French exchange student last summer. Took him up to the Big Boy at the corner, and watched him proceed to Eat All The Things with great gusto. It was delightful, his glee and enthusiasm.

He tells me all the time "I dream of that place. Please tell Bubba [our nickname for Elder Monster] to come open a Big Boy in Paris. I would have breakfast there every day."posted by MissySedai at 8:15 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Average number of calories burned by running up stairs for one hour:
If you are 130 pounds: 885 calories
155 pounds: 1056 calories
180 pounds: 1226 calories
205 pounds: 1396 caloriesposted by Houstonian at 8:22 AM on May 6, 2012

Full English breakfast: 1000 calories and 46.13 g fat.

Huh, considering that a Full English is usually the only thing I'd eat that day (dinners were always just light salads, or something small like salmon roe on crackers) and the meal was usually followed by two hours of walking, that's not a bad number.posted by The Whelk at 8:35 AM on May 6, 2012

I've spent time in the UK, but somehow never met salad cream. From what I can learn from google, it's basically flavored mayonnaise, more or less, right?

It's a sort of a bit vinegary+sweet lighter substitute for mayo.

really, chuck it in with your wok-fried (crispy/noncrispy) peeled prawns! all those innovative Chinese chefs (not just doing it for their native English customers) can't be wrong!!posted by Bwithh at 8:56 AM on May 6, 2012

That fails to account for the solid matter. Perhaps if a bird shits in it.

Salad cream doesn't have lumps in it. Perhaps this is why you are wildly incorrect in your hatred for it. It is awesome and I miss it. I think you're thinking of Sandwich Spread, which has little squares of vegetables and stuff in it. I can see people hating that, although I don't share the sentiment.

Even the cheapest sausages here though are better than any of the American breakfast sausages

I am really surprised, given the variety of cultures known for good sausage in their immigration past that they all seem to have morphed into blandness. Entirely underwhelming, US Sausage, and they have the cheek to say English food is crap. Unless they have been there since 1990 they don't know what they are talking about.

I've been finding it very hard to enjoy american bacon. It's kind of like a bacon flavoured partial substitute that only solves about 75% of the yearning, but doesn't quite hit the spot. I recently found proper bacon here in Oakville and was ridiculously pleased to find English Bangers at the same place (Denningers) and I was finally able to convince my wife that I was not making it all up when I said that English bacon doesn't taste like Ham and that none of the sausages in the US or Canada I'd found before were even close to as good as an English Banger. She still loves US Breakfast sausage, but at least she doesn't look at me like I am weird now.

I made a full English a few weeks ago (and most of one last night) and it was like glorious chewing heaven with the proper ingredients after 5 years of being over here in the US and Canada. The proper ingredients are essential and it really isn't any kind of English Breakfast if you try and make it with readily available american versions. It's not about just ticking the boxes of 'bacon' and 'sausage'.posted by Brockles at 9:09 AM on May 6, 2012 [3 favorites]

I like Japanese mayo better than salad cream (or rather, as salad cream).

Interestingly, many hotel buffets in Kenya were often more or less covering the full English fixings, even with grilled kidneys on offer sometimes...posted by infini at 9:17 AM on May 6, 2012

"tempting and essential" would probably be the calling card of anything offered by Satan, if you believe in such a thing.posted by hippybear at 12:37 PM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

I know I get odd looks when I break out my imported real Vermont maple syrup over here. Then again, I always got odd looks in Missouri by bringing my own maple syrup to a breakfast over there also. I am just a Vermonter through and through and can't stand the vile liquid that most people call maple syrup. I would prefer granulated sugar over any of the fake maple things. They give maple a bad name.posted by koolkat at 12:47 PM on May 6, 2012

I know I get odd looks when I break out my imported real Vermont maple syrup over here.

If you don't have time for the full English, you can always cook an egg and bacon sandwich (proper back bacon though). We used to reimport back bacon into Denmark as they exported it all to the UK and only left streaky bacon for the natives.

2 toasted slices of British white bread, not too crispy, or alternatively 1 toasted, sliced "English" muffin if you must
British-style (i.e. chewy not crispy) fried back bacon (1-3 large slices)
Fried eggs (1-2), yolks still runny, ideally very crispy around the edges (use a wok if you need to).
Spread/spoon in a bunch of BOVRIL (not optional) (I mean the proper one with real beef "stuff" in it; Marmite/Vegemite if no Bovril available within 250 miles); don't go crazy - this is strong stuff - it helped Wellington defeat Napoleon, after all- but don't wimp out and put too little on either.
Also spread/spoon in a bunch of Tomato ketchup.
Serve piping hot.
A dab or three of salad cream (optional) to taste.posted by Bwithh at 7:17 PM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

i had a starter today with blood pudding, beets and pea shoots. it was amazing.posted by PinkMoose at 9:56 PM on May 6, 2012

I had a black pudding souffle once at a very post restaurant in Lancashire. It was amazing.posted by unSane at 9:57 PM on May 6, 2012

The Full Dutch (Uitsmijter). Served with fresh squeezed orange juice and herbal tea, koffie verkeerd for after.

Barbarian!

The Uitsmijter (two fried eggs on brown or white bread, with cheese and ham or cheese and ham, anything else is a bit hoity toity, sad little beansprout salad on the side optional) is for lunch. After all, why call the extended version twaalf uurtje otherwise? (Which is the above but with two kroketten).

2 toasted slices of British white bread, not too crispy, or alternatively 1 toasted, sliced "English" muffin if you must
British-style (i.e. chewy not crispy) fried back bacon (1-3 large slices)
Fried eggs (1-2), yolks still runny, ideally very crispy around the edges (use a wok if you need to).
Spread/spoon in a bunch of BOVRIL (not optional) (I mean the proper one with real beef "stuff" in it; Marmite/Vegemite if no Bovril available within 250 miles); don't go crazy - this is strong stuff - it helped Wellington defeat Napoleon, after all- but don't wimp out and put too little on either.
Also spread/spoon in a bunch of Tomato ketchup.
Serve piping hot.
A dab or three of salad cream (optional) to taste.

AMAZING.

Also - sandwich with white bread, marmite on one side, salad cream on the other and crisps in the middle.posted by Summer at 4:50 AM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

Probably the ultimate deliciousness-density sandwich I know of goes as follows

(the cheddar must be gtrated of course for maximum meltingness)posted by unSane at 5:10 AM on May 7, 2012

Now I want a BLT with sausage and some beans slathered on.

When I used to work in Gateshead there was a van parked in the area that used to do a full breakfast on a Half Stottie. Mushrooms and everything. It was absolutely superb, but you didn't need to eat for the rest of the day.

We eventually had to (reluctantly) limit ourselves to it as a treat if we were working weekends. Or we'd have died.posted by Brockles at 5:37 AM on May 7, 2012

I grew up on Merseyside and lived in Glasgow for many years, which means I want a serious breakfast it has to be the Full Anglo-Ecosso-Ulster Breakfast: all the components of the full English, plus white pudding, tattie scones, Lorne sausage and farl. It's hard to get all the required ingredients together outside Scotland, sadly. And a bit too much unless you're hungover.

Also, I feel moved to recommend what you might call the Full Welsh: laverbread/bara lafwr (boiled seaweed and oatmeal) fried in bacon fat and served with bacon and cockles. Sounds utterly vile, tastes bloody lovely.

The Whelk: "You will tremble before my meat stews. Put a little bit on some cold chips with a fried egg. Maybe a pickled onion on the side? Yes. This is how we are eating now."

Proper Bird's Eye custard I hope? It's one of those totemic symbols any proper Brit takes with them when living abroad, to looked at occasionally and remember the custards of yesteryear, but never to be opened.

Unlike the instant jelly desserts of course.

Speaking of custard, my one big misadventure in English cooking was ordering apple pie with coffee once and having it served with warm custard instead of whipped cream (or slagroom, which is apparantely a hilarious word for the filthy minded).posted by MartinWisse at 5:15 AM on May 8, 2012

Custard is ace. Try pie, custard, cream AND ice cream for true magnificence.posted by Artw at 9:25 AM on May 8, 2012

No, no, no. Take Bird's Eye, make custard, set aside. Make jelly, pour into bottom of pan and set aside. Find cake, cut it up. Select canned cocktail fruit in juice. Yes. When jelly is set, layer cake over it, pour all the fruit and the juice, then pour custard over it all. Let cool in fridge if you can wait that long.posted by infini at 9:32 AM on May 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

But seriously treacle pudding and/or tart with custard is the winter comfort food. See also blackberry and apple crumble and custard and jam roly poly and custard (the only decent thing we ever had a school)posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:22 AM on May 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

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