Thursday, March 27, 2008

Severe Psychosis isn't as fun as it sounds.

Try saying "Severe Psychosis" five times fast. Not too hard is it? That's what I discovered when I said it to my husband even more than 5 times about his mom. Actually it sort of rolls off the tongue, albeit making you sound a bit like a snake. Hmmm...maybe she planned that. She thinks I'm a snake anyway.

So I've given up. I will now defer any and all questions, comments and criticism to my husband. Sentences like "Oh really? I'm so sorry you feel that way. Why don't you talk to your son about it?. and "Oh dear, I'll have to check with your son." have now been programmed in. Now if only I had the presence of mind during her visit to use this strategy when she said things like:

1)"Oh if SHE makes you stop crying, I'll be so upset!". Who me? The baby's mom? The venom with which she uttered "she" was really precious.2)"I have a hard time watching you hold him because he looks so much like my son. I think you should be passing him to me." A little creepy I think, though I tried to give her that one as just being nostalgic.3) When baby was crying as we put him down for the night, she was practically in hysterics "Why is he crying? What's wrong with him?" and in the same conversation "Oh, babies cry, I remember driving my son around the block at night to soothe him". Huh? Make up your mind!4) "Did you tell his doctor that? Did he do that in the hospital or just since you got him home?" You see-there is something wrong with her grandson, poor guy, that is out of his or her control: I had a part in his creation. She is constantly asking about his weight, when we saw the doctor last, what the doctor said, when will he catch up with his age, and "IS he all right?" How about the time she asked my husband if we were "happy to have him?" all because my husband said he was a little grumpy.5) After asking why he was crying then answering her own question, she felt a need to consult some "doctor friend of hers". This doctor said that 99.9% of the time babies cry because they are hungry and I should start feeding him cereal and solids-breastmilk is not enough. As you can guess, I just love this doctor.

Most of these instances seem harmless enough, though meddling and annoying. But couple them with a highly addictive narcotic, a complete absentmindedness and the possibility of a complete blubbering meltdown at any given second, and there has to be a psychosis in there somewhere. Basically the highlight of my week was when I was late picking her up from the mall-though I counter that I wasn't really late since she told me "not to rush" and we made loose plans, but I digress-It ended in me and hubby having multiple back and forth conversations on the cell phone and then me trying to track down a hysterical, crying senior citizen, who had just taken painkillers and was likely to pass out, inside the biggest mall you can imagine. She told hubby on the phone through her sobs that she was on a bench and she didn't even know where her hotel was! She refused to answer her phone after that (no doubt to cause us more worry and stress). When I did get in touch with her finally she cheerily answered and told me not to worry about being late-that she was on her way back to her hotel and wasn't it just the most lovely day? All in this scary singsong voice. This resulted in me crying in the backseat of my car in the mall parking lot with my baby boy-the ups and downs with this woman are just so worrisome and difficult to deal with! She then ignored us for two days, and here's where I ate all that chocolate, I had to worry that she was overdosing on her narcotics and was lying on the hotel room bed in her robe, sleeping peacefully like Heath Ledger.

But hold on a second, you say. Didn't she come to visit us and the baby? Wouldn't she be offering to hold the baby while I slept, or do a load of laundry or maybe not minding that I was late considering I was toting around a 3 month old breastfed fussy baby or something? Nah...she did however offer to buy me a $15 scarf...she loves scarfs...(and I was complying because I thought it would make her happy and feel like we did something together!) except I picked one that she didn't like. So she wouldn't buy it. See a gift from MIL is not about you, it's about her and how much she can use said gift to hang guilt over your head. And she wouldn't dare use and ugly scarf as a carrot. What do you take her for?