FILM: Come Along with Me as I Rewatch “Star Wars: Attack of The Clones”

IT IS A NEW YEAR and a new Star Wars, believe it or not. I say that because I was, like, 12 when I first watched Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. That suggests two things:

a) I am old AF and

b) for every generation, there is a Star Wars film that defines it. For my generation, the Millennials as we are casually known, it was, unfortunately, Attack of the Clones. Before I watched this new generation of kids’ Star Wars, I wanted to delve into some nostalgia and rewatch this monumentally epic and inane blockbuster.

[1:30:21] All those high-ranking Jedi in the same room as Palpatine and not one feels even the smidge of evil sweating off that creeppppp.

[1:34:21] JAR JAR, YOU DOLT! Thinking that that’s what Padme would have wanted, he, in her stead, proposed to give Emperor-like powers to Palpatine. Jar Jar Binks singlehandedly started the Clone Wars.

[1:40:06] Oh sh!t! What I said should happen to Jar Jar LITERALLY just happened to C3PO– really laughing my ass off…

[1:44:50] Where the hell did Amidala get a key to her handcuffs from?

[1:47:37] Gotta say, watching Padme kick some alien-monster butt (and, henceforth, her character becoming useful rather than a burden) was satisfying.

[1:50:12] “This party is over.” And with four words, #LineOfTheMovie:

[1:51:08] Wait, did Obi-Wan and Anakin just…cross swords?

[1:53:21] Why is there no head inside the helmet when Mace Windu decapitates Jango Fett? Not even later when Boba Fett picks up his dad’s helmet and stares at it for this foreshadowing tableau:

[1:56:26] I totally forgot the Clones did something nice before being controlled by the Sith.

[2:00:01] Epic Death Star mention! This movie’s third act belongs in a far superior film.

[2:03:50] When did Padme magically lose the bottom half of her shirt? (Mind you, this was the year 2002, when Britney was at her “I’m not that innocent” peak.)

[2:07:34] After this point in time, whenever someone gets his or her forearm chopped off in battle onscreen, you should have been able to say, “Oh shit! They got Luke–or Anakin–Skywalkered!”

[2:07:54] “I’m just a feeble old man.”

[2:08:17] Oh shiiit, no I ain’t!

HIGHLIGHT OF MOVIE. NO NEED TO GO FURTHER. DAMNNN, Palpatine and Count Dooku played the Jedi like Cowboys and Indians!