Sunday, November 30, 2008

My mom: the scan, part II

My mom sent me an email this evening and said that she looked up her CT scan results on her online patient account. She said it was all highly medical terms, but from what she read, she was pretty sure it said that the cancer had metastasized to her liver and abdominal wall.

Then she said she'd wait to hear the doctor interpret the test results when she sees him on Friday. But until then, she seems to think there is now no hope. And other than say that maybe that's not what the test results said, I'm not sure what I can do for her.

I am bouncing back and forth between being okay and trying to stay positive on the one hand, and suddenly feeling sad when I see or hear about other families sharing, especially when it comes to children and grandparents.

Thanksgiving was very nice but also hard. After dinner, the friends who hosted dinner were sharing photographs with (their) family that was there. I had my camera with me and had just taken photos at my children's school, and I suddenly felt so sad that I didn't have anyone there to share them with. I planned to upload the photos when I got home so my mom could see them, but I could not help but think that this would not last.

Since she sees the doctor on Friday and we don't know what he'll say (immediate surgery to get rid of all the nasty cancer?), we are waiting until his prognosis before we try to find a way to get together.

a few days ago I read this and was going to write a long and detailed comment. Now i'm not sure I have the koach.

But, just hang in there, as leora said, this is hard. I remember when I was 8, my grandmother came to visit. She was usualy pretty tired, and we were told that it would be the last time. I didn't know why. Like 3 months later, I was told that my grandmother had pancreatic cancer and would die. I felt this very unfair.

Don't mourn her while she's still living, alright? its a bad tendency I have. I bawled my eyes out when I was told that she would die, and argued a fair bit, wondering why they couldn't just remove the cancer, or even remove the splean (they removed my tatti's gallbladder didn't they? aren't they the same?! why could he live and she not?)

I remember it felt so unfair, and I cried and argued till I couldn't argue anymore. By the time the funeral happened I remember having cried my eyes out enough that I had mourned her already.

hang in there alright? this is hard.

and give your kids some hugs too and let them know that you'll be ok. :)