3. The editors at Vulture can’t remember whether or not you’re dead, and they don’t feel like googling it.

4. Maybe people refuse to take you seriously because you never stop clowning around?

5. Too edgy!

6. Not edgy enough.

7. You only perform in North Korea.

8. People should know you, but won’t.

9. People shouldn’t know you, but will.

10. You’re always eating a sandwich on stage and it makes it hard to understand you sometimes.

11. Your tenure as 42nd President of the United States overshadows your comedy career.

12. Crooked candy corn teeth

13. You’re not funny, so just knock it off.

14. Politics! (see reason 11)

Doogie Horner is a comedian, author, and graphic designer. He is a suppurating wound of comedy.

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