Monday, September 30, 2013

Dippy perceptions of special needs: Get with 2013, people

Two headlines about young people with cerebral palsy caught my eye last week:

The first, from Today.com, is about Courtney Tharp, a pretty 17-year-old in Waverly, Iowa named Homecoming Queen. "She's here every day, she's excited, she's energetic," the Associate Principal of Waverly-Shell Rock High School gushed. Homecoming King and friend Kaleb Staack said, "She comes to school every day with a big smile on her face. She is happy 110 percent of the time. She loves life, and she makes the best out of everything...."

The second headline, from BuzzFeed, is about hottie RJ Mitte, who plays the son of a meth dealer on Breaking Bad. There's not a single mention of his CP until the comments section. One woman wrote, "I've got mild cerebral palsy myself (spastic ataxia hemiplegia, left side) and I am very, very happy that he is so well received—people with disabilities tend to have a hard enough time being accepted and understood. I love you, RJ Mitte and the people who cast you."

It's awesome that Courtney got to be Homecoming Queen, something that likely wouldn't have happened decades ago. It's become somewhat of a trend for teens with disabilities to be named homecoming queen and king (and prom queen and king); the headlines crop up on my Google feed. As Courtney's mom noted, "Kids with special needs are not segregated like they used to be." But with descriptions of her daughter as always happy and a headline proclaiming "She loves life" this might as well be the 1950s, when the best thing most people could say about a person with special needs was how pleasant and happy they were.

Back when I had Max, an elderly relative told me that Max smiled a lot because he was "simple-minded." Not meaning to be insulting, this person was articulating an old-fashioned perception. The comment hurt. But more hurtful is the impact on Max and kids like him, who have to contend with marginalizing stereotypes—yet one more challenge for them to overcome. I still get a lot of "Awww, he's so happy!" comments about Max.

I'm not trying to be a killjoy here. People obviously mean well. I just think it's important for us to be aware of how society talks about those with special needs, and the stereotypes that are perpetuated in the process. Think about it: When so-called typical teens win the title of homecoming queen, do newspapers usually describe them as "happy"? No. There is an inherent prejudice in using this as the defining trait of someone with disabilities, as if it is amazing that teens with special needs are happy to be alive despite their (tragic) special needs.

I don't doubt that Courtney Tharp is a cheerful young woman. Max is the same, and I'm grateful for it. But I wouldn't want people to solely define him by his happiness, because that's just one aspect of who he is. As parents of kids with CP, Down syndrome and other special needs, we know full well that our kids have talents, interests, strengths, weaknesses, many moods and multidimensional personalities, like any kids. Our kids are not happy 110 percent of the time because that would mean they aren't actually human. And if you do not believe me I will gladly send Max your way upon his next screechfest.

It takes more of an effort to get to know kids with special needs. Yet if their peers did, they'd find kids who are so much more than happy. It would help, too, if the media quit playing into the stereotypes. Buzzfeed described RJ Mitte as a "young George Clooney." It gushed over his smile, how he looks in glasses, the guy's chest hair. It treated RJ Mitte like any other hot celeb—exactly what he deserves.

IMNSHO, Mr. Mitte is way more Zac Efron (with a Peter Gallagher nod to those eyebrows!) than George Clooney. Frankly, I knew *nothing* of his CP, which indicates to me that his talent is what's important, and that his disability is about as important as the color of his hair.

I so agree. Our kids are not entirely defined by their personality/disposition whether they are generally happy OR combative. We wouldn't assume that about a "typical" child, so why with our kiddos? I swear, I wish I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "Is Brielle always that happy?" Like you, I'm grateful she generally has a positive disposition. But, if that's all people notice, they've missed so much more.

I'm in the same position as Kerith. Sarah can put on a good face when we are around other people or in public. What they don't see is the crying because she's at the end of her rope or the tears when I don't have a certain food she wants.

Really? Oy. I understand that you are very sensitive to these issues. But honestly as the parent of teens this is how they often talk about ANY homecoming queen. Please note that the quote was FROM ANOTHER TEEN! (The principal only said that she was there every day excited and energetic." which sounds like what they say about just about any cheerleader or sports star)

The postings around the voting for homecoming queen last year were all like this "Vote for Bethany. She's always always happy and smiling and puts a smile on everybody's face!" This exact quote that another kid at the high school posted was about a typical teen girl. And the others were similar.

Don't make such an effort to dispel a myth (and I grant you that it is one that you forget that this IS typical language used by kids about any HC Queen.

As for RJ Mitte, his biggest issue with CP seems to be that its mild enough that people often mistake his slightly slurred speech for being drunk. A recent TMZ episode had the camera guy thinking he caught RJ "wasted." He was embarrassed when the rest of the crew told him that RJ had CP and that he needs to do more research on the stars.

Agreed, a thoughtful comment. That said, it discounts my experience along with that of other parents—which is that people often do focus on our kids' happiness, instead of seeing the WHOLE child. This is no "myth."

Sorry. I am not hiding but I have no other profile. I usually try to sign my posts "Annie."

Anyway, Ellen it is a "myth" that kids with disabilities are always happy. (Though not a myth that they are often portrayed that way).

My comment was saying that I understand that you were trying to dispel that myth in a place that you saw it coming to light. But the fact is that these ARE the same types of words used to describe all kids in this situation. There may be better examples than this for when the myth is being promulgated. But saying that a HC Queen is "always happy" or energetic and upbeat? That's what is said about them all.

I have to disagree a bit with you one this one…. I describe people with and without disabilities in the same type of terms ALL THE TIME, and it has nothing to do with not having anything better to say about them! It is a compliment to their character. Being described as a “happy person” and one that “loves life”, or is “a joy to be around” are all high compliments in my book for anyone…. Especially for teens who are often stereo-typically “moody”!

Vicki, I wasn't claiming that yes, sometimes we do describe kids without disabilities as being "happy"--but too often that is the one and only description used for Max. It's as if people think his biggest asset is his cheerfulness because he is otherwise disabled.

I was hoping you'd mention the RJ Mitte article! Knew you'd just gush over it. The way Mitte's character was portrayed, at least in the first two seasons (I really need to catch up) was astonishingly well-rounded even as a supporting character. None of this "happy all the time" bullshit. He was a teenager, he did good things, he did bad things, he was occasionally a little bastard. You rarely get teenagers that interesting at all, and the falseness of it all is taken up to eleven when special needs enter the picture. Breaking Bad gave all its characters a million sides. It was just a fine show all around.

And let's face it, Mitte is stinkin' attractive...wonder what he's up to now that BB is off the air?

I think you make good points and it would grate on your when you live with it every day (especially the "happy" comments). But, when this type of thing happens at Homecoming, it means people have stepped back for a moment and realized there are more things to judge on than looks and popularity. In this case, they are recognizing a good attitude. If someone who has more challenges than average can get through life with less complaining, and thus influence and inspire the others, then yes, let's celebrate that. Good on 'ya. I'm not convinced that a person with special needs and a bad attitude would be honored that way? I think it speaks to character of the individual. If we're rewarding that, that's a step up for all of us, not just those with special needs.

I think part of it is just this - people assume she has 'more' challenges. Her's may be unique but are they more than the teen who is abused, the one who is depressed, the one who isn't loved, the one who is shunned? People live with all kind of crap but somehow a disability seems to be 'more' of a challenge. No one can say how much of a challenge a disability is except the person living with it.

Perhaps not more, then, but oftentimes more visible/known? The platform you never asked for, yet is still there... I think there are other types of unique challenges that are also visible, and may throw you into the spotlight, and then others, like those you pointed out, that are less likely to be noticed.

Hi Ellen -- I watched the video clip of the homecoming queen/king and I didn't interpret the kids or adults interviewed as being patronizing. That said, it is annoying when people see our kids as one-dimensional.

While I'm happy that Flynn was a "real" character on Breaking Bad, I can't help feeling cynical about the "degree" of disability they're willing to include in a mainstream show.

I was thrilled to read this post because your analysis of stereotypical perceptions of disability is spot on! I always appreciate people speaking out rather than grinning and bearing it each time we hear an inherently prejudicial comment. It doesn't make us ungrateful to speak up, it's all part of the education process!

Hi!I'm that woman you quoted from the Buzzfeed article. Hello! In fact, the only reason I mentioned CP was because of how a few other commenters were showing ignorance. Let's just say that I am very happy with my life, no matter what, since it's all I've ever known. Being born disabled is just about life. Living with what happened to my brain. It is difficult, I am always in pain, and in fact I am on disability. But I'm also living a life with the disability and never despite it, and that is where my pride comes from.In fact, the article not referencing RJ's CP was, to me, kind of staggering (ha ha).

There are a lot of people who say it is "better to be dead than be disabled" and I think that having a disabled celebrity showing how full of life we can be is incredibly positive and a great boost for disability advocacy.

Well, hello there, Joanna! Thanks for stopping by. I agree, we need more people like RJ in mainstream media who are just doing their thing, seeming like every other character. I love "I'm living a life with the disability and never despite it"—I am sharing on Facebook.

Hi, I agree with what your talking about on the homecomingl Thats awesome. But if your talking about somebody that has a dissability just randomly don't say that they are always happy, because chances are they are not.

I think people sometimes say "He's so happy" to parents of kids with disabilities as a way of reassuring them/making them feel good. I'm well aware of Max's disposition—I love hearing about at the stuff people can only tell once they take time to communicate with him, like the fact that he's funny/bright/inquisitive.

In terms of the Breaking Bad character, his CP has nothing to do with his ability as an actor or his looks. I'd bet if the authors of that article pointed it out, you would have been annoyed that they are pointing out something that is not relevant. It would be different if that article actually talked about his characteristics but it is essentially only talking about his looks and hence, there is absolutely no need to mention it. I think it is positive it is so 'under the radar'; it emphasises he is seen as 'that hot actor' not 'that poor disabled actor'.

Ellen....What if--perchance--Max is happy simply because he hasn't a clue of his physical/developmental disabilities? My Down syndrome brother {Who can be moody, just like any kid!!} really knows very little about his DS.... Even though we've told him. Once, he asked this. "Down syndrome. What's that mean?". To which I happily and proudly replied with this. "You were blessed {Yes, blessed!!} with an extra chromosome!!". My brother does not let any limitations keep him from living a happy life!! In vast part, because his mind hasn't completely grasped the fact that he is different. Me? I suffer {Yes, suffer.} from premature short-term memory loss at age 29. I always have. It is resulted from being born a "Cranio" baby, and doctors cutting open/reconstructing my skull twice. I have "developmental delays". I live with learning disabilities. Limitations. And knowledge.... Sucks. I am still working on this issue through my ongoing journey of self-acceptance!! Still working on it. My youngest brother is smart, strong, capable. Just like Beautifully Unique Max!! But not being able to fully grasp the concept that you are different from others? That would bring happiness. ;) Sorry. Long comment!! ;-}--Raelyn

Raelyn, I get where you're coming from. Why Max is happy is besides the point here (and he is aware he has CP). I was pointing out that too often others can only describe kids like him as being happy when they are, in fact, so much more than just "happy."

Ellen, I agree with what you're saying, and I agree. While it's been a very long time since I was in high school, Homecoming Queen used to be the popular girl, now it's the disabled girl. It doesn't matter whether both the popular girl and the disabled girl are described similarly in personality. The underlying message is that the disabled girl is to be pitied, is less than the other kids, and "needs" the honor to feel included with the "normal" kids for a change. Giving the disabled girl this honor also makes all the "normal" people feel better about themselves as if they've done something to help the "poor thing". I'm anxious to see what two new shows (The Michael J. Fox Show, and Ironside) do to educate the average person that those with disabilities ARE the average person.

I am so glad that you wrote about this. I feel exactly the same way when I see headlines about someone taking a teen with a disability to prom. It shows our bias against these kids. It simplifies their character and personality. And at the same time it's dismissive. It's similar to parents of a child with a disability being told that they're "a special kind of person" or that they are a "wonderful parent" simply because their child exists. Or when I am told that my 16-month-old son and others like him are "heroes" for using a wheelchair. Whenever we group an entire community into one category (Asians are good at math!) we are not truly examining those people as individuals. I wrote about something similar for a friend of my (she uses a chair and she is not always happy or simple): http://beth2285.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/it-takes-a-special-person-guest-post-by-mary-evelyn-smith/

Great post! My brothers (who had multiple diagnosis) were rarely admired, and when they were it was often for just being people. I think it's important to remember that though our disabilities, diseases, cultures and more will often help us decide what it is we need to work on or learn most, it's the fact that we try and work and grow with passion that should be admired. And hopefully copied!

I'll admit, a teenager that "puts a look to the good side in everything" (my 13 year old son's words!) should be celebrated for it. Hopefully, they went on to mention some of her hopes and dreams? Some of her ideas? I can't read the article, my internet connection is so darned slow!

Anyway, I wanted to point out one more thing I noticed and would like to see changed. Often, when people are consistently happy and easily satisfied, they're seen as dimwitted or naive. I really wish this would change! Being happy and easily satisfied is brilliant! A fabulous way encourage change, while growing yourself!

More people will likely see value in a point of view if you seem happy and satisfied with it yourself!

Thanks again for the great post!(Man... I really like exclamation points!)

Beautifully explained! I think you are right about the oversimplification of kids with disabilities. However, it works the other way, too.

I wonder if one reason everyone describes Courtney is that she is, in fact, relentlessly cheerful, while many of the "special needs" kids they deal with are more "challenging" to deal with. What I'm getting at is that in a way, their praise of Courtney might be a back-handed insult to the other disabled kids ... the ones with ADHD, Asbergers, mental health diagnoses, and the ones who haven't figured out yet how to make people like them.

The other thing that disturbs me is to think of Courtney maybe growing up with the idea that the only way to dodge crushing stigma is to smile be happy "110%" of the time. The message can be, "Don't complain or be pushy, our approval is very much conditional!"

Hopefully, she'll have an epiphany somewhere along the line and realize that she has the right to be how she really is, whether or not it fits non-disabled adults' cherished image of a sympathetic disabled child.