A new Target store opened right by my house. It's grand opening this week has been one of the most anticipated moments of my recent past. Today I went there for the first time to get the battery in my watch replaced, but when I got there the conversation went like this:

Me at the jewelry counter: Can you replace my watch battery?Jewelry counter employee:We can only replace batteries on watches purchased at Target.Me:Why?Employee:For liability reasons.Me:Okay, then can you open up the watch and just sell me the battery I need?Employee:You'd have to open it yourself. For liability reasons.Me:Okay, can you lend me a tool to open it?Employee:No, we can't do that for...Me:...liability reasons, yeah I get it. So how do you propose I get it open then?Employee:All you need is a razor blade or a needle to pop it open...

So I started looking around the store for razor blades and needles without much success when I happened across the Halloween candy aisle, so I thought it was as good a time as any to stock up. I was trying to balance three pillow-sized bags of candy in my arms when I noticed a Target employee walking by, so I shouted to get her attention:

"Hey, can you tell me where you keep the needles and razor blades?"

She stood silent, looked down at the ginormous bags of Halloween candy in my arms, and stammered:

"Um, I don't think we have those..."

At this point, I didn't realize that she was imagining me to be some Halloween-candy-contaminating psychopath. I just figured she was being lazy, so I got all huffy, adjusted the bags of candy in my arms, and said:

"So you don't have any razor blades OR needles in this entire store?"

She blinked. "Well..."

"Forget it!" I grumbled passive-aggressively, and stormed off down the aisle. It wasn't until I was at the check-out counter that I suddenly understood her apprehension. I'm kinda dim-witted sometimes. I never did get that damn watch open, either.

My friend Scott had to get some wine for some reason and asked if anyone needed him to pick up anything for them and one guy wanted condoms and another guy needed a disposal camera for some official fraternity event. When scott put all three items together on the check out counter the clerk snickered and said, "have a nice weekend pal".

If you have a problem looking for anything in Target, look for a related item, like needles might be near sewing machines and such. Just a helpful hint to avoid uncomfortable, though humorous situations like this.

That is hilarious -- the whole scene belongs in a movie. I can just see the sad-for-no-real-reason worker at Target (or Walmart, as it would be in the movie, or Walmart knockoff), looking at the bags of candy in subtle horror. Here he is, this upper-middle class, white male who wants to kill the kids.