How many times have you heard that lately? Yes, it’s a common complaint in America today. In these difficult economic times, we have a lot of justice to mete out to the people who have destroyed our lives. But we don’t have much money to do it, and we don’t want to contribute to global warming either. How to solve all three problems? How can we possibly put to death all of the bankers and their minions without hurting your wallets or GAIA’s delicate balance? The answer is “Made in China”: a fleet of new mobile execution vans that can make America’s looming Mass Arrests efficient, clean, and cheap. Let’s face it: why should we taxpayers pay to keep these criminals alive in leisurely prisons with TV sets and “prisoners’ rights” and endless costly court appeals? What about our rights, huh? What about us, the victims? It seems like the so-called justice system is more about the criminal’s rights than the victim’s! We want the bankers and their promoters tried, sentenced, and put to death in as speedy, clean and cost-effective a manner as possible. And now, after years of these same plutocrats shipping American jobs to China, we can finally say that a “Made In China” death chamber that puts one banker to death while driving at top speed to the next banker’s office is something worth buying. It’s cheap, reliable, and it’s funny as fuck.

That’s right, the Chinese are finally paying us back for all the manufacturing jobs we sent their way by offering us the perfect mobile murder machine for these difficult New Great Depression times. The mobile execution chamber is called the “Jinguan Automobile,” and it’s produced in Jiangsu and Shandong provinces. It comes at the very reasonable price tag of between $37,000-$75,000, which is nothing when you think about how much we’d save in legal expenses from all the appeals, as well as feeding and clothing these mass-murderers in their leisurely prisons. Put it another way: if you just took back the $3.6 billion in taxpayer bailout money stolen by the Merrill Lynch bankers last December when they illegally paid themselves giant bonuses just as the company went under, you could use their bonus money to buy 100,000 execution-buses. They won’t disclose who got the payouts? No problem: once they hear the Death Bus pulling up, you betcha those bankers will squeal and turn each other in at the drop of a hat. Too late though: you’re all still gonna suck on some vein-poison.

Efficiency is the name of the game here: 100,000 of these buses could put to death so many bankers, and their paid think-tankers, journalists, academics, and politicians, that within a few months, America would be a much safer, cleaner, and cheaper place to live in. Definitely cheaper, which is good enough for us.

But wait, that’s not all: not only is it cheap, fast and efficient, but it’s green! Yes, the executed bankers’ bodies can be recycled and put to use by more responsible citizens. As the Chinese have quickly discovered, the bankers’ organs, eyeballs and extremities can be quickly harvested, stored, and redistributed to distressed American homeowners who lack health insurance. Every part of the executed bankers and think tank propagandists can be recycled into the ecosystem, saving taxpayers’ money, lives, and helping a spotted owl or two. Hey, as our friend Zach Wamp would say, those organs aren’t a right, they’re a privilege. Here’s how one authoritative figure explained the eco-friendly murder machines:

Injections leave the whole body intact and require participation of doctors. Organs can “be extracted in a speedier and more effective way than if the prisoner is shot,” says Mark Allison, East Asia researcher at Amnesty International in Hong Kong. “We have gathered strong evidence suggesting the involvement of (Chinese) police, courts and hospitals in the organ trade.”

Hey Amnesty, thanks for the tip! You see folks, those weepy liberal elitists aren’t always defending criminals against the innocent. They’re giving us valuable information that we can use!

Chinese tycoon Yuan Baojing was recently put to death in an Execution Van. Are Americans too beaten down and afraid of their elite to mete out Chinese justice?

So, here’s how they work: each mobile execution chamber vehicle is 20 to 26 feet in length and can travel at speeds of up to 80 mph, meaning these mobile murder machines execute criminals in the fast lane! The buses are divided into three sections: driver section; observation section in the middle, with a window dividing the observers (up to 6) from the execution chamber; and the execution chamber in the back, with blackened windows (we may want to make them transparent, in the interests of transparency) blocking out the view of the lethal injection table and seats for the doctor and guards, along with a sterilizer for injection equipment and a wash basin. (We may want to skip the sterilizer to cut costs too; what’s the worry, that the corpse might get an infection?)

Not since the old Model T Ford rolled off the line has there been such a true “People’s Car,” so perfectly tailored to the times. In fact, the Morgan Stanley bankers who are using their taxpayer dollars to bankrupt Ford for a quick derivative profit would be perfect “recylced banker volunteers” in a launch campaign to show America how justice is served.

Just imagine the possibilities: using only the funds that Merrill Lynch’s bankers stole from us, we can put 100,000 execution buses on the streets of America. That’s one mobile execution chamber for every 3,000 Americans, which should just about about cover it. We can hire a marketing firm to brand the execution buses with names that will better reflect their service to the community. “Banker Recyclers” or “TARP Collection Cabs” or even “Voluntary Contribution Vans.” Drivers of the buses can even brand their own individual execution vans. Name them after poster-villains of the New Great Depression: Look, Bobby the Bus Driver’s calling his the “Madoff Mobile”! And Juanita the Bus Lady named hers the “Betsy Buggy” after Betsy McCaughey.

Yes, my fellow Americans, we can imagine this beautiful future: 100,000 Banker Recycling Vans, powered by green hybrid electric engines, slowly patrolling this great nation’s downtown financial districts from Manhattan and Boston to Chicago and San Francisco…blowing their “execution” horns as they pass huddling, cowering bankers, who flash big “America’s well-being is more important than my obscene profits” smiles… a “Betsy Buggy” quietly cruising the mansion-lined communities of West Hartford, Back Bay, Chevy Chase, and Pacific Heights, playing a happy ice cream truck jingle so as not to scare the kids as daddy-banker and mommie-foundation-head are dragged inside for an appointment with justice… So remember, honk if you want rough justice! And honk twice if you see a banker hiding, and we guarantee a Reclycing Vehicle will take care of the problem with a smile!

36 Comments

Gee, I was talking about this a few months back. GMTA, I guess. You guys need to lay off the smack, though. Little more meth. Keep up. *Laughs*

4. Mao Kao Pai | March 6th, 2009 at 11:42 pm

“Another reason we need the bus and you should leave the drivin’ to us,” said driver/caregiver Nanki-Poo,”is the villages don’t have no motor pools. And they don’t have no motor pools because they don’t have no budgets. And even if they had budgets, they couldn’t afford bullets. And they don’t have no electricity to power even one ‘Old Sparky’ chair. And even if they did, the God damn tree-huggin’ Muzlin Uighurs who lay about Ulaanbaator, playing pinochle and chuggin’ Tsingtao all day, would just lie down in the road and we’d have to put on those God damn hot PLA threads and drive 300 God damn li (Chinee mile) over potholes deeper than any nuke hole in the ground at the Lop God damn Nor test site . . . just to shoot a bunch of revisionist running God damn dogs full of holes, if you get what I mean.”

Concerned that the only current model might appear threatening, Mao states an entirely new vehicle will debut in 2010, and will be powered by a nitro-methane Mopar hemi bored out to 4,000 cubic inches and producing 18,000 horsepower.”Next year – once the trials start – we ‘spect a lot of business from Washington, DC ,” said Mao.

5. Concerned Citizen | March 7th, 2009 at 2:40 am

Mark,

Great article, as always. However, you don’t even mention their minions, the teleevangelists. I would just love to see every last weirdo/pervert who comes on tv and quotes the bible taken for a bus ride to meet Jesus and find out their imaginary friend doesn’t exist.

Now THAT would be Justice Served.

6. aleke | March 7th, 2009 at 3:29 am

Send the motherfuckers to China. They love talking about how we should suck up and stop taking care of our fellow countrymen; there’s people stewing in their own filth waiting for our jobs in the name of competition. I say scatter the predatory, global vampire class across the world. I heard the bloody slums of Mumbai are a very prospective “emerging market.” Better, how about send the NAFTA oligarchs to Monterrey and dress them up in federali fatigues. Reap the whirlwind, you traitorous scum.

7. jim | March 7th, 2009 at 6:10 am

For great justice!!!

8. geo8rge | March 7th, 2009 at 6:27 am

Very funny but the people who caused this are in government not business.

BTW. the dude in the picture, along with some other family members, hired “mafia” hitmen to kill a business rival. see Wikipedia

9. Baltimoron | March 7th, 2009 at 8:23 am

As much as I agree with the emotion behind your comment, Aleke, it shouldn’t go unmentioned that *we* (Joe Average first world types) are part of the predatory global vampire class. Our inflated wages and comparatively extravagant lifestyles are subsidised by superprofits extracted from the third world.

The anti-banker tear that Ames is currently on is doing something to raise class consciousness, but this consciousness is an imprecise awareness of metropolitan social relations that fails to take into account the fact that Amerikan capitalists and Amerikan workers are just subsections of the same exploiter class.

Ames’s so-called Amerikan class war would leave “workers” in the historically unprecedented predicament of attempting to popularly manage parasitism. A real class war would see the authentic working classes of the thrid world impolitely failing to differentiate between Amerikans with neckties and Amerikans with nametags. Both groups of Amerikans have an interest in maintaining the financial empire of the United Snakes, so both goups can be placed solidly in the enemy camp of the world’s exploited masses.

10. Ubiquitously Banned | March 7th, 2009 at 9:49 am

@Baltimoron: You need to leave your email. I must subscribe to your newsletter.

11. aleke | March 7th, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Baltimoron, the American workers are as much a “vampire world class” as a nymphomaniac that has been pressed into sex slavery. They may have much better amenities but the truth of the matter is even white collar workers are bought and sold, stressed to the point of mental breakdown (and rage massacre), and simply squeezed to the last drop by the likes of Jack Welch and company.

I would’ve agreed with you if the Reagan Revolution never happened, or if Nixon didn’t activate the massive neoliberal overhaul of America. I still rather do agree with the notion that they have an outsize benefit from the poor multitudes of other countries, but the role of the normal American is very precarious indeed.

A house nigga is still a slave.

12. rick | March 7th, 2009 at 5:14 pm

With the emotional hellscape life of your average American, they better get an iPod. You should have seen these people at my Grandmother’s funeral. Chubby single mothers doomed to endless loneliness, people you *hope* at least have alcoholism or a healthy drug addiction in their lives, people who redefine “hopeless” for the Obama era.

This piece reminds me of shit I did after first reading all the Exile stuff, though, years ago. Very “Modest Proposal.” It’s just tough to do pieces like this consistently, since it’s like stand-up comedy. George Carlin could come up with an hour a year. You read his books, they’re terrible.

13. Greg Foreman | March 7th, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Nice try Aleke, but Baltimoron is right and you are wrong. Even those Americans living in government housing on public assistance are part of the “predatory global vampire class” problem. The lowest of them still lives like a king in comparison to the underpaid third worlders who produce their DVD players and big screen TVs.

Just because you want them to rise up and murder those who you have a bug up your butt about doesn’t change the fact that they are still part of that small percentage sucking up the majority of the resources on this planet.

In fact those poor downtrodden types are probably sucking up more of those resources because they can’t afford a Prius or a Flex Fuel SUV like those wealthy folks you whine about. They can’t shop with a thought to fair trade products or being a locovore. They buy cheep crap from WalMart and don’t give a damn about the penny an hour slave in Gofuckystan who was beaten to make it for them.

14. kso | March 7th, 2009 at 6:45 pm

Why not send them to Russia, the local thiefs in goverment would love to give the narod some entertainment, and killing american assholes with Vyshinsky style efficiency surely wouls make great TV.

15. aleke | March 7th, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Hahah this is silly, we’re not wishing for fishes here. And this ain’t the great truth of the Enlightenment, pick your side. Either you’re joining the “global vampire class” of house negroes, or you’re joining the “downtrodden masses” of field negroes. There ain’t a right, just a line you have to draw. I’m drawing it at the common American because I know too many foreigners (I’m one myself).

But maybe we should draw the line at the poor mammals we exploit and murder, enslave and deteriorate and extinguish forever from the Earth? There hasn’t been a “good guy” since the agrarian revolution. The last good people in Tasmania jumped off the cliffs. So you’re going to have to choose who you want to win the bloody wheel of history.

As far as Ames goes however, he’s doing the right thing. There’s plenty of people that talk up the Ugly American, especially that former hegemon, the genocidal Brits. But someone actually looking out for American people? Save for Ron Paul’s zealots, there’s nobody. And it’s a damn good time for someone to stand up for the bastards, the right time to make a Byronic, doomed stand.

Ya’ll should be ashamed. The point is not to stand up for someone that’s just getting the butt end of the deal. If that were the case everyone would crave the immediate destruction of our entropy-blighted universe. It’s to sanctify and protect the trusting losers that are your own.

16. Greg Foreman | March 8th, 2009 at 7:13 am

Aleke. I draw the line at Murder. I won’t kill people for some ideal or demand that others do that killing in my name. Murdering people over ideology is what got the US into Iraq and every other mindless bloody slaughter-fest that’s come down the pipe.

Condoning the murder of bankers and investment crooks makes you no better than the Neo-Cons who condoned the murder of Iraqis in the name of “democracy” or “freedom” or “cheep oil” or what ever reason they are giving these days.

17. trash_man | March 8th, 2009 at 11:49 am

Hey Mark, have you ever actually paid any real taxes? How large could an i-banker really live off your contributions, I wonder?

More importantly, does the left really even want you on their team? After you picked that side to root for, did you get many cocktail invites? Or is it more like rooting for the Celtics?

Bankers are the new punk rock. Total nihlist armageddon heros! Losers like us feel hatred for them only because we weren’t lucky or cold blooded enough to get in on their action.

Bankers will take out these execution vehicles. They will not go quietly. They will fight back.

And like always, they will win.

22. Greg Foreman | March 9th, 2009 at 10:31 am

Ram, I’ve got a problem with murder. It doesn’t matter if it’s done out of hate, desperation or ideology. Killing someone is wrong no matter what kind of flag you wrap it in. Just because bankers were smart enough to buy themselves politicians for some ass coverage doesn’t mean we should be offing them. Why weren’t you out there buying yourself some politicians to cover your own butt?

23. fajensen | March 9th, 2009 at 12:41 pm

One can cook diesel off the fatty bits that remains after the organs are harvested. You could probably a hundred miles or so out of Maddoff 😉

BTW: This place stinks so much that everyone driving along the E45 with any previous experience will shut off all ventilation +-5 km before Hedensted (and try not to breathe the whole way).

24. aleke | March 9th, 2009 at 8:17 pm

Hey Greg maybe it’s because we can’t afford them. We don’t destroy as many people as possible and break down social groups instead of building them up in order to get to a position that compels us to wine and dine with swine of the same sort just in a different sphere of power.

Cool? You don’t want anyone “dead” but you’ll let a tiny, nasty few suck all the life out of everyone else. You may think human life is extremely sacred but I really doubt you can’t find someone (historical or otherwise) that you wouldn’t consider offing if you had the chance. Or would you really let mass murderers and genocidal brutes go untouched? Hoping for some weird cosmic justice like the kind you can only read in old dry books?

25. Greg Foreman | March 10th, 2009 at 6:02 pm

Aleke, someone is always going to be in charge and people with power and wealth are always going to suck up to them for special privileges. Why bother working so hard to be in charge if there wasn’t that benefit?

Since you don’t have power or wealth those in charge won’t give a crap about you. Get over it and accept that until you get in the game and kiss the right ass you will be on the bottom.

Besides, if you do manage to get your “glorious peon revolution” to start once the new bosses get in place the wealthy and powerful will kiss up to them and nothing will change. Except for those people who have been murdered. Things will have changed for them, they will be rotting in a mass grave someplace and most of them will be your revolutionaries and not the bankers and brokers who you despise.

26. sunny day | March 11th, 2009 at 6:31 am

chinese police wear ray-bans in the courtroom. that’s pretty bad ass.

27. aleke | March 11th, 2009 at 9:39 am

As long as you’re in the rotting compost heap, I’ll be fine and happy 🙂

28. road dog | March 14th, 2009 at 9:33 am

put madoff in the general prison population….they will harvest his organs….and do it in an environmentally friendly way…..and it will prompt a few of the banksters to drop a dime on their buds

29. Greg Foreman | March 14th, 2009 at 6:51 pm

Thank you Aleke for showing us exactly what kind of person you are. As long as people are dying you are happy. As for me, as long as I’m being skull-fucked by rich people, I’m happy. Especially if they cum in my eyeballs and it drips out my nose, which is what’s happening every day. Mm’mm good!

30. aleke | March 16th, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Well I’m glad we came to an agreement. We both want you dead; I’d make a clean corpse, and you’d rather be skull-fucked

31. alabaster | March 20th, 2009 at 4:31 pm

still it would be cool to see the current landlords get their comeuppance. let them know that they, too, can be recycled.

32. Pood | September 10th, 2009 at 12:42 pm

Attention: “Concerned Citizen”

You are what drives this us to this sort of thing. Let’s put you on the death bus and see if you are wrong too. Maybe you can burn in hell for eternity, maybe not. We’ll never know unless we try right? P.S. please do not have any offspring and spread your warped ideals to defenseless children.

33. proletariat | January 22nd, 2010 at 5:29 pm

We don’t need mobile execution vans, being as we have a supply of AK variants that would leave a Mujahideen’s jaw agape. What we need is guts, which the Afghans had in spades, and we seem to lack totally.

34. bill | January 24th, 2011 at 6:50 am

Waaaaaahhhhh! Mommie, I’m a suckup to billionaires and I can’t handle scary satire so here’s what I’m going to cry, mommie:

This is sick! Sick because so many people are quite prepared to become what they say they revile. How can people advocate murdering others for the wrong doing of the said people? Yes what has happened is unacceptable and yes it is all part of the elitist eugenicists plans, but I for one want nothing to do with such sick avocation of an eye for an eye if we do that we are no better than the scum who have the same plans for us. I am sure that in China the people will rise up against their own tormentors and maybe millions will be killed in a tit for tat exchange. But people advocating the use of these vans as a way to get even are no better than the scum already perpetrating these atrocities. Yes dish out the punishment relocate the scum bags to a prison camp somewhere in the Arctic circle where if they wish to escape they have no where to run but happily advocating the use of these vans to murder only shows that you are no better than the elite. God help our planet.

35. bill | January 24th, 2011 at 6:55 am

Ps I’m prepared to bend over and be shafted I will not fight and I will not defend myself even if that means taking my own life. but advocating these buses just shows that i am a thick-headed idiot and i believe no one is better than the elite. Just to put this into perspective. I will roll over and I will murder my own hcildren for the sake of keeping the rich richer because they are better than I am.

36. USAM | February 16th, 2011 at 12:54 am

Having personally dreamed about how scary these vans would be to the billionaires who pay me, I have a comment here that goes like this: see I will pretend that I lived immediately next to a prison in China. Yeah, you’ll believe me now wont’ you? Yeah uh-huh. I can tell you that there is nothing that can’t be joked about with regard to seeing people executed, especially my billionaire masters. I am an American retard who should be sterilized if not executed, and I have been paid to write here that I have witnessed many such vans, seen many dead bodies being transported after executions and I have seen the human organs being rushed to hospitals from the vans shortly after execution. Scary stuff kids! The USA is no better than China as it is now anyway, but adopting those vans would put the USA so above my billionaire masters in so many ways.

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