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After much bewilderment over the past few weeks about the mysterious flight of Panties at UCSD’s sixth college, the UCSD police caught one celibate David C. This has sadly resulted in many students bullying David for the comic gold of stealing panty’s from washing machines to fill the hollow void of an actual woman’s love. We here at The Koala, however, smell a different stench from this thong.

I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior

Students close to the situation allege that David came out as a transgender after the mighty unlacing. To further this claim, we contacted David personally. In our interview, a sniffling husk whimpered,

“I honestly do not remember stealing those panties; it would have been over 30 hours ago. But even if I did steal seven panties a day for the last five weeks, I owe the women the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior. As those closest to me know, I have had no sexual encounters in my life except with women’s underwear, and I now choose to live life as a transgender. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.”

Despite being heavily criticized throughout the UCSD community, David is not alone. An anonymous group of Warren students also reached out to The Koala, defending David’s actions,

“We don’t understand what the big deal is, we too, lack that sweet punani in our lives, and can only feel the warmth of a woman through her freshly dried drawers upon our transformed genitals. We expect UCSD students to understand the ailments and needs of those of us who have been held back in society by women.”

The Motherfucking Koala supports the plight of the sexually deprived here at UCSD and we cry out SHAME on UCSD for attacking the transgender community, SHAME on UCSD’s student body bullying those in need and SHAME on UCSD’s police department for assaulting his beliefs and identity. The 50’s have passed: men should be free to wear the underwear they want and become the people they see themselves as. The transgender community has the right to express its sexuality however they please and for that reason #iUndieStand. A person’s sexuality cannot be infringed upon, for every human being has the right to say they have a vagina and express it however they feel. Let us end the stigma around women’s underwear together. #YouCanUndiestandToo. And as long as it fits, everyone has the right to wear panties, even if they’re a little tight.

As the battle for Mosul continues, ISIS casualties have slowly been piling up. More specifically, hundreds of ISIS’s treasured child soldiers, the “Caliphate Cubs,” and student soldiers from the Mosul Institute of Terrorism (MIT, previously the University of Mosul) have been brutally murdered on the front lines by US backed Iraqi Special forces.

“Enough is enough–we must protect our students and our children,” said Suq Madic, a third year student at MIT. “Like the rebel students of America, we also need trigger warnings; we also need safe spaces! They are the key to victory against the white men of the West!”

The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.

“The MIT students seem to have been misguided by translation errors,” says Henry Cook, a Linguistic professor Harvard. “The extremists believe that American university students are also at war with the US Government and have implemented ‘trigger warnings’ to predict future attacks, and ‘safe spaces’ to protect themselves from drone strikes and tank fire.”

Following the powerful post-election protest, Suq and his brother Liq Madic reached out to the UCSD student body to understand how they create safe spaces for their students.

We have heard stories of great fight with The United States government a few days ago and seek your help in our struggle. Your voices have not been ignored.

As similar minorities and oppressed peoples, we need you help creating trigger warnings and safe spaces for muslims and people of Iraq and Syria. We have differences in past but now we have much in common. We both burn cars when we’re angry, both hate Donald Trump, and love a white woman on top! Please, help us protect our students and childrens from our common enemies!

Allahu Akbar,
Suq Madic

After receiving the email and aggregating responses from many of the UCSD protesters, A.S. President Daniel Juarez responded to Suq and Liq with the following email, also forwarded to the UCSD student body:

Iraqi Special Forces have since quickly wiped out most of the ISIS insurgency in Mosul after most ISIS forces marched towards the Iraqi lines chanting “Drones aren’t fair” before getting carpet bombed by an allied drone strike. President Elect Donald Trump responded to the Iraqi victory praising trigger warnings and safe spaces for being completely useless.

Editor’s Note: The Koala Editor has $50 riding on weed not getting legalized. However, this has absolutely no effect on the viewpoint of the Koala or the stone cold truth laid out in this neutral, fact-driven, pulitzer worthy article.

Prop 64 seems like a smoker’s dream; you can just walk into a store without a med card and buy weed while your abusive dad buys liquor. Oh, and supporters of Prop 64 claim it will expand the industry, bring money to education, and make a large black market go away, how fantastic! The reality of the situation is that the people who wrote prop 64 banked on the fact that all the college students voting yes would be too high to read the damn proposition, so I’m gonna lay this shit out for all you stoners in an essay format your seventh grade english teacher would be proud of.

Marijuana killed my dog and daughter. Now I live in box behind The Che Cafe.

First, prop 64 is going to burn up all the small businesses that grow the fucking weed. Regulations can cost farms one hundred thousand dollars a damn year. This isn’t even including the extra tax on every ounce grown. So the costs and regulations of owning a weed farm are going to get higher than you if you smoke ALL THEIR DAMN WEED.

Next, prop 64 will not bring money to education. I figure some of yall are saying, “I’m fine with spending more money on my sweet OG kush if it helps the state out a lot.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe I would even be down to drop an extra twenty bucks on an ounce of some green crack if it helps little Johnny and Susie learn long division in second grade instead of third grade. But the reality of the situation is that it won’t. The money is going to help little Johnny and Susie learn that smoking weed is bad in the most ironic law of the century, and the rest of the tax revenues are going to go make sure that police get extra funding – despite the fact that they are decreasing the amount of illegal activity.

Finally, everyone is saying the black market of weed is going to go away. But here is the thing; if you are taxing and regulating the fuck out of the weed market, growers aren’t going to bend over and take that fucking. Despite probably being some of the laziest people in California, people who smoke weed tend to do really creative shit to smoke for cheap, and it isn’t going to be any different once weed is legalized. Why else would only 31% of current weed growers support prop 64?

In conclusion…To finish off this (hopefully, but probably not) magnificent seventh grade style article, let’s recite our three main points: weed businesses and growers will get fucked, the money in profits won’t go to anywhere you probably want them to, and the weed black market will continue to live.

Too long have trigger warnings plagued the airwaves. Too long has the no-blacks rule been removed from our campus. Too long have students not been free to offend their hypersensitive peers. “Spam Musubi only $1” and “Holy shit they opened up Starbucks” have replaced the long-gone chants of “Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger.” Next week, that will all change.

Administrators at UC San Diego are creating an all new, state-of-the-art Dangerous Space for UCSD students who just don’t feel like their needs have been met on campus. In the past few weeks, the lack of dangerous space at UCSD has become increasingly apparent; students have been lashing out with puppy parades, non-violent protests, and other equally safe gimmicks. Safe spaces at UCSD are commonplace, and threaten individuals who do not like feeling safe. The logical next step has been taken by the university in creating a place to fairly support all UCSD students, continuing the university’s theme of inclusion and equality.

Located in the center of Library Walk, the new Dangerous Space is the ideal place for students to do whatever the hell they want. Senior Frank Yu gave The Koala the following statement: “The needs of dangerous-space students have been overlooked for generations, but UCSD is finally recognizing what means the most to 19-year-old Asian nerds: fucking a dead body with a picture of my waifu taped on the face.”

F. Yu isn’t alone. Not only will this new dangerous space allow people of all ethnicities and sizes – even unnaturally large sizes – it will allow for knifes, guns, opinions that might be different than yours, drug paraphernalia, sharp writing instruments, and explicit pornography.

The new Dangerous Space is guaranteed to get students excited for a good time, and will probably end like all good things do, with body mutilation and feelings of remorse.