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Posted:29th Apr 2004Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and lean.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

Posted:29th Apr 2004A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a good place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's an even better one. At MacDougall's, ye buy a drink, then ye buy another drink, and MacDougall himself will buy yir third drink!"

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great, does ya? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis pub called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid all night long!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

.............. is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's Oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walkaround town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

Posted:11th May 2004Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around thenursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishedaround in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him."OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster andheld it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep ."

what's the definition of desparate?

two vampires fighting over a used tampon

what's the definition of pain?

falling off a 10 story building onto a bike with no seat

what's the definition of courage?

getting off the bike

Mr bunny is running through the forest, and he sees mr elephant about to snort a line of coke.

"Mr elephant, dont do drugs, come and run through the forest with me"

The elephant, seeing the innocence of the bunny, agrees, and runs with the bunny.

They come across mr giraffe, rolling a joint.

Mr bunny says 'mr giraffe, dont do drugs, come and run through the forest with us'

the giraffe thinks, and agrees, so off the three run

they come across mr lion, who's about to shoot up.

'Mr lion' bunny says, 'dont do drugs, come and run through the forest with us'

The lion lets out a huge roar, and eats the bunny.

the other two animals are shocked. "why did you do that?" they ask.

"damn bunny", mr lion replies. "Always wanting me to run around when he's on speed"

A rabbit and a bear are walking along, and they see a magical squirrel. the squirrel does the old 3 wishes trick, and the bear decides to go first.

"I want all the bears in this forest to be female, and hugely attracted to me"

The rabbit asks for a helmet.

The bear asks the rabbit why he wants a helmet.

"dont worry, you'll see" The rabbit says.

The bear says to the squirrel: "Actually, make all the bears in this country female, and really hot for me"

The rabbit asks for a motorbike.

The bear asks the rabbit why he wants a motorbike.

"dont worry, you'll see" The rabbit says.

The bear thinks for a minute, and wishes that all the bears in the world were female, and all wanted him.

The rabbit puts on the helmet, gets on the motorbike, and says 'make the bear gay' and rides off.

another bear and a different rabbit are walking through the forest, when they both think they need to take a dump. they go off to their separate bushes, do their stuff, then keep walking. the bear says to the rabbit 'do you have a problem with your crap sticking to your fur?'

"no" the rabbit replies.

So the bear promptly picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

Two muffins are in an oven. one says to the other 'man, its hot in here'

the other one says 'AAAAH!! a talking muffin!!!'

Why did freddy fall off his bike?

cos freddy was a fish

Why did jimmy fall off his bike?

cos someone threw a fridge at him.

what's grey, has a tail and a trunk?

a mouse going on holiday.

what do you call something grey and fluffy?

pink fluff that got stuck in the washing machine

Two rednecks, a father and son, go to the big city for the first time. they walk into a hotel, just in time to see this horribly ugly old woman walk into an elevator. while looking around in awe, they hear the same elevator ding, and this beautiful, long legged young woman walks out. "What is that, dad?" asks the son. "I dont know, son" Says the father, "But quick, go get your mother"

Posted:27th Oct 2004A man sees a ring of bystanders watching 6 guys beat up Tony Blair, he walks up to one of them and asks "Don't you think we should help him?", the man turns to look at him and says "No, I think 6 will be enough."

Posted:29th Oct 2004A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are talking about there sex lives.The Fenchy was saying "When I make love to my wife, I stroke her so sensually she rises a foot off the bed"The Italian said "Well, whena I make da love to mya wife, she rises both feet offa da bed"The Australian, very calmy remarked "Ah, that's nothing, after I've had my way the missus I wipe my ding dong on the curtains and she hits the roof!"