Beatles Classic. Although I love the Jim Sturgess Across the Universe cover.

Another day and now Im in Jordan. Ill be here for a while, so it feels different my trip to Turkey. Especially cause my best friend is here. He loves this country. Today wasnt the first time I got to see it, but it was the first time that I got to see how that love changes him. My best friend, lets go with BF as a nickname, is a complicated guy masquerading as a simple person. He has this overlay of farting, eating and sleeping, but underneath that theres a lot of conflicting desires, identities and person working themselves out. Im not the first person to be his friend, and I doubt Im the last one to be this close to him – hes one of those people who polarizes people, you either love him and put up with the bullshit or you know right off the bat it wont work out for you. The nice thing about him is that he doesnt particularly care which side of the line you fall on, as long as it minimally affects his life. The one thing I am is the exception to the rule. I am definitely affecting his life.

Im the reason he decided to come out to the Middle East the first time, and since then (its his 4th or 5th trip out here) his involvement has ballooned and the positive impacts have been exponential. Now it is moving the lives of people on both continents in ways neither of us could have predicted 4 years ago, when it was just a last ditch effort to help him get into graduate school after a somewhat disastrous undergrad. I wonder what it feels like to travel 8000 miles and find your people and home. Because thats what he has here. I watched him today argue with a Jordanian about the political options of the country and the tribes that empower it, and saw a comfort and relaxation I dont see when hes hunched over work in his room in Utah. He always projects confidence, but this time it doesnt just sit on the surface, it becomes who he is. Its more than skin deep.

This is my crackpot hypothesis, but I think the reason this place works so well for him is how literal he is. In Jordan, things are right on the surface, if you learn what to look for. Obviously there is the religion – you hear and see the minarets and calls to prayer, as well as the women wearing hijab or niqab. There are ceremonies for greeting people, hospitality rituals that must be done, and time that must be spent in particular ways in order to get by here. And if you can learn them, then you can fit in. Even to me, Jordan doesnt feel like a foreign place, although the voice/feeling inside me is off its axis so I know that I am out of wack and have to get readjusted. Im driving BF a bit crazy, because he cannot understand why Im having this reaction.

There’s something about his reaction that is even more alientating than being in this country far from home. I would describe myself as a slow-to-warm up person. I feel crazy inside until I understand the rules and nuances of how a place works, and then I usually end up excelling within it. I had the same reaction when I started my various programs, but because I spend the time up front to understand the dynamics, I can do things that other people cant. Case in point – leaving early to go abroad. 🙂 Until then, things feel scary, Im highly sensitive to other people’s emotions and nonverbals, because Im trying to soak it all in, so I can learn the rules that are important and those that can be observed and then broken. That is how I think Ive managed to deal in a world where I cant find a easy social place to belong.

Maybe I should chose my best friends better. BF is not about drama, emotions or deep explanations. Thats probably the one thing he doesnt have in common with Jordanians, who seem to constantly be yelling, laughing and being highly expressive. Although, considering ALL of the dramatics he lets into his life, lets say that description may be a bit suspect. Myself included. Anyway, another part of traveling 101. People man, people. They are the reason I leave home and reason I ache to stay inside far away where its safe from all their shenanigans. But we will make it work, as we always do, because I love him and he loves me and family makes it through regardless. Plus who else is going to put up with us?

Otherwise, Ive found an apartment in the city, have a bathroom to scrub (somewhat scarring) and just dropped off my laundry for the first time. Life building begins anew. Oh and if it was unclear – I loved Turkey, in case that did not come across. It was just exactly what I described – new and things Im still struggling with – the constant staring. One of BF’s friends has already told him that he doesnt have to be scared walking around with me, cause everyone will be scared of me. Its not my favorite thing ever to be told, but I suppose its better than being a victim. So I will continue to try to find a way to see myself in this kaleidoscope of reflections.

Ive posted relevant articles – so you can understand a bit better why Jordan. Its this interesting country in the middle of all this crazy political upheaval. President Obama will actually be here tomorrow after his trip to Israel. Also there was a recent article posted in the Atlantic of an interview with King Abdullah II, that is having impact all over the place. Ill talk more about all of that in another post, but a small sampling below.

Cover of Up in the Air [Blu-ray]Take your pick – the Tom Petty original or John Mayer, which Im partial to.

Today is an obvious title, because after the last few days, thinking more than a little bit is off the agenda. I tried to switch my flight so I could take some meetings here in Turkey, but it turned into a disaster, including me having no flight back to the Middle East. It took 4+ days of calling and hours on Google voice (bless them) to finally get calmly booked on a flight for tomorrow. Now that its all settled there havene really been any downsides. I got to explore the Asian side of Istanbul, which is far more financial and residential than the European side. I got to experience traffic crossing the bridges multiple times during rush hour, and I got to spend all day doing nothing and ordering room service. Not a bad trip.

I think the best thing was the feeling of euphoria after I checked in for my flight tomorrow, which was the even that led to me knowing I didnt have a flight on Sunday. I am so outrageously happy. I have been happy this whole period of time, since it finally sunk in 2.5 weeks ago that I managed to escape Provo, school and any other weight of my former life. Traveling has allowed me to make a clean break with my former life and do all the prep work necessary for preparing for my new super-awesome life, apparently jetting around the globe, meeting really nice people, and most importantly feeling free. Free from worrying about what I look like, whens the last time I waxed my face, what do my clothes look like right now, how crazy is my hair. Free from worrying about what others think of my behavior, me staying home from church, or buying Taco Bell on a Sunday. Free from wondering what people are thinking about me. I basically know here – its shes really tall and foreign. And Im ok with that – cause I sooooo am. It wasnt the most comfortable feeling in the world, but at least its honest and transparent and obvious. Not all the insidious things I wonder if people are thinking about me in Provo.

Im not saying the box I was in was anyone’s fault but my own. I wanted to be one of them, and considered them to be my people – but I wasnt. I never fit in. The nice thing about being out here is that Im not one of them, so I dont try to fit in, which makes it so much easier to actually do so! Ive made friends on the traveling road, so much faster than Ive made friends at any point in my life. I already made a friend to meet in Paris on my way back to NYC, Ive made friends with a girl in my same company in Turkey. I feel at ease and confident with myself so I am open to the world. Im still working out how to say no to hawkers and aggressives, but regular people and I are friends. Its nice not to suspect the whole world of being against you, and here when I do think it, at least there is a rational why they might, rather than all the weird reasons I didnt fit in Provo.

I just want to learn to hold on to this feeling. I could conquer NYC, my new job, anything, including getting back in shape without all the bullshit that comes with whys, and shoulds. Im really so grateful for being free. Its why I left Southern California to go to the East Coast – so that I could be free and make mistakes on my own and learn from them, without being hemmed up by someone else’s ideas of what I should do, or at least my ideas of what I thought others thought I should do. Its basically the feeling I get every time I hit Vegas and start seeing minorities again, and the band around my chest loosens and I can breathe. You are just one of the crowd, so everything is ok again, rather than the squeaky nail that gets pounded down per the Japanese saying.

It may be extreme, but Im free for the first time in my life I feel freaking free! And man does it feel sooo much better than all the weight Ive been carrying around my whole life about being me, and big curly-haired, and Black, and Hispanic and female and Mormon, and smart and whatever else I identified as different from the norm. All the things that I let define me, but now there’s just me. One whole person, who has flaws but I can own my own feelings about it. No more guilt or shame. Just me figuring it out. Much easier to do without that backpack with all the rocks I put in. Good job George Clooney. You really did know what you were talking about.

This morning we went out to the ruins at Termessos, which was both a hike over slippery rock and maybe one of my favorite excursions so far. Combined with doing laundry and taking an awesome shower with the best loufah ever, I thought today was a great day. Then I went outside to get cash and dinner, and was confronted by a thin Turkish 20-something who was passing the opposite direction. He did the classic, “Hello.” Followed by. “Do you speak English?” In a heavy accent. I was going to open my mouth to say yes, but he quickly followed that up with “Would you like to have sex?”

He never stopped walking in past me and never once reached out to touch me or try to impede me to follow through on his request, but it was still a horrifying? defeating? shrinking? experience. I kept on walking up the hill towards the main drag, but I huddled even closer under my hood. I was dressed the same way I always am – my blue rain jacket and today some long capris, so nothing suggested I was as loose as his question seemed in imply. Was it merely that I was a girl walking alone? Or that Im not Turkish?

I needed to use an ATM, and turned the corner looking for one of the many Turkish banks, but saw a blue glint in the corner of my eye. A familiar American bank and something about that touchstone made me keep going as I approached what felt like a dark corner to get out enough cash to last for a bit. But I wasnt accosted. No one demanded my money. And I made it to McDonald’s and back with no incident. But now the stares from passerbys felt far more threatening than they had previously. What did they want from me? Was it that I was just a curiosity? A tall girl worth staring at? Although Id seen two black people when we were at Pamukkale, I havent seen any in Antayla. I just walked head down, back to my hotel, both intimidated and then angry reminding myself that I was larger than my would-be sexual partner, and could easily have fought off any advances. There were also other people around and hopefully they would not have stood by while anything awful happened.

But more than the idea of what could have happened – the fact that something did shook my foundation a bit. Did I want to travel by myself after my friend went home? It had seemed like such a good idea the night before to take advantage of the proximity to Europe and keep traveling, but now I felt my adventurousness cowed. Is this what it means to be a female? To live in a world that holds the potential for constant threat? Do you stay home and let the possibility of threat keep you out? What happens when I move to NYC? I never felt unsafe last summer, not like this, but it could happen. Or if I move international in the future – which has always been my plan – do I always wait for a companion before getting groceries or going to the movies? I came home many times at 1am from Lincoln Center and never once worried. What will I feel now?

So much of this blog recently has been about being Black and Female. I thought that as I walked home and wanted to write about this experience. Maybe I needed to focus on the Mormon part to find a way past all those riled up feelings.

Im reading this series, Betrayed, by Carolyn McCray that is basically a Dan Brown book – involving Jesus, Judas and their bones in the present time. But what its doing is both entertaining me and letting me think about religion. As a matter of fact, the book talks about how Mary lived in Ephesus – I was just at her home two days ago. They are just about to go to Istanbul – which I head back to in a few days. It just grounds you for a second – reminds you that these were real people, they just lived a long time ago, but now Ive walked where Mary and John the Beloved walked. Ive hiked ruins where people lived over thousands of years ago. I am in the middle of my very own Bible story. And the God I have come to know through these stories and my own religious books, will protect me.

I came out to this region, because of Him. And I have felt His peace during all of the weird, alienating, beautiful experiences in the past week or so. If I truly believe in Him, and that He has led me, then He is more powerful than any idiot on a street in Turkey or NYC or any other place I have felt inspired to go. And if something terrible does happen – He is also powerful enough to make it ok, just like He has done every time before. There really isnt anything else that will make it better. For me, there is a God, He commands and it will work out in the end for my good, for all our good. And thats all there is. I need to spend more time learning about that then worrying about all the other stupid insecurities in my life. He can heal those as easily as he helped me come here to Turkey, Jordan and wherever else I go in these next few months.

I still need probably a good night’s sleep, and more clean laundry to feel up to the challenge of the outside world again, but I think I have found the most important piece back.

Its odd to travel right now. I feel like everything is buzzing by me at the speed of light and I cant hold onto anything Im experiencing. In the last week I have been in 4 different countries, and crossed like 4 time zones. Im in Instanbul for another day or so and then its off to the western coast of Turkey, and it just seems like so much so fast. There’s just something so insubstantial about being here. While I can understand that I am no longer in Utah or America, its very hard to accept that Im in Turkey. In addition, Im feeling pushed – like I keep doing things that are out of sync with what I would want/need to be doing. I like going to the touristy spots (to an extent), but Im a people/experience person. I want to interact with my environment, or learn the culture or observe the people. Right now, Im just a photographing fool who keeps getting accosted by sales people. Today one wanted to give me a gift, and then put ice chips in my hand. So weird.

I just realized that this is the most classic me situation ever. Im always getting into conundrums, where I let shoulds dictate my life – especially when it comes to doing things with other people. I feel I owe them something per some unwritten contract and I push myself until Im exhausted and cranky and give up. It becomes hard for me to voice my feelings or needs, except in snarky – bordering on bitchy ways. I end up acting less than and stuffing myself down, which used to work a lot better before all the self-actualizing crap of the last 9 years.

Its especially difficult, because Im traveling with a friend that I have not really spent significant time with since high school. As far as I know, there are two people that I have actually still kept in constant contact with over the years. We were really good friends in high school, and still are, but being with someone, in a demanding situation like travel after 13+ years is an interesting experience. So the old me was a passive audience member to my incredibly gregarious friends. I mean I was always a talker, but Ive had many friends who are the life of the party for as long as I can remember – and I sort of laughed and clapped at the appropriate times. Ive changed since then. Ive learned to accept a new role in my life – one where Im more often the life of the party, and even when Im not, I dont do passive anymore. My friend and I have also been talking about this blog – and he immediately recognized it for the platform it could maybe be one day. That its a unique perspective I hold, and despite the fact that hes not religious, he understands how important my religion is to me, and what I could do given the social changes facing the LDS church.

I know better what my needs are and have spent copious time learning how to say them, deal with the aftermath of it and keep relationships alive. But the old habits come back hard. Fortunately my extreme jetlag has lowered my tolerance level, so its either accept the increasingly bitchy version of myself or “woman up” and remember who I actually am.

Starting with, this girl likes massages, so Four Seasons it is! (its 30% off at 7am :)). And choosing which relationship to prioritize and then dealing with the aftermath of making big girl decisions about how to handle it. Which in the last 3 hours since this realization is going exceptionally well. Thats the thing I always forget in the initial no-win solution: I know how to handle myself and it usually works out ok. Plus this whole traveling thing is supposed to be fun right? In honor of that, Ive changed my header picture – this is one I took at the Hagia Sofia two days ago. Beautiful place, but I will write about that later.

Its not my blog without some Eminem. Ive seen him twice in concert and both times were awesome.

So Im in Turkey and have been for a few days, after a few days in Jordan. I literally have no idea what time zone Im on, what day of the week it is or when Im supposed to be sleeping so its 2am somewhere in the world and Im awake. For a little bit – I used to think the story I told myself about getting back from China and only being awake for 3-4 hours at a time and then sacking out for 8 over a two week period was a ridiculous story. I now recognize it was completely accurate.

Life in Turkey is interesting after 1.5 days in Jordan. In both places, I am a novelty. I am taller than everyone in the country it seems, especially as a woman. I have seen very few Black people in either country, but the ones that are there are usually African and I dont dress or act African. I also have insanely curly hair. How people deal with those differences is the big rub.

In Jordan, I was with my best friend. When we go to restaurants, people do not look at or address me – it would be considered extremely impolite until I ask to be addressed. Although it seems many women in the country would expect the man to be the public face in that situation. Its not that different than in America, where perhaps the man might order for you – but its sometimes considered paternalistic and archaic. Well not in Jordan. People were very kind and willing to help. Its like there are no lines between the in-group and out-group, at least not publicly. A man standing on the side of the road when we are trying to get a suitcase into the car feels extremely comfortable weighing in on how we should position it for best use.

On the streets, there are just large bands of roving boys/men. The few women you see are always accompanied by a man, or you see them in the restaurants or shops, never just out on the streets with friends. When I catch someone staring at me, which happened constantly in the day I was there, they always look away quickly so they do not get caught staring impolitely at a woman. The roles inside the home seemed rather traditional as well. The family we visited – the woman was primarily responsible dealing with the children when they were problematic; but, the father spent just as much time playing with them and attempting to discipline them – they just didnt listen. 🙂 She did not speak much English and I spoke very little Arabic, so most of our interaction was the four adults sitting in the room watching Nick cartoons (which are really weird) and then some BBC programming. While the kids ran in and out with the new toys we had gotten them, that made a ton of noise. Im pretty sure the parents will disown us soon.

Turkey is a whole different world. We are staying in the extremely touristy section of Istanbul – Sultanahmet. I got off the tram, after three hours of traveling from the airport, and immediately got accosted by a man selling carpets. I am apparently incapable of figuring out how to say no, without feeling guilty and rude, so I followed him around the corner and down the stairs of this building – knowing that I would be the star of Taken 3 – Im an idiot. Fortunately, they just wanted to give me apple tea and try to sell over priced carpets to me. The next male encounter was on my way back from taking some scenic pictures of Istanbul that night. People just throw random English out to see if you will take the bait, and I did. He eventually showed me a phone full of pictures of random Asian women he had also taken pictures with. And then made me link arms with him as he walked me back to my hotel – I originally just thought he wanted me to eat at his restaurant! Apparently I was wrong, because when I forced him to leave me before he found out where I was staying, a kiss on the lips was requested. I quickly said no, and ran away, taking a detour just in case he tried to follow me. These interactions quickly made me miss the ignoral of Jordan. Here, Im just another American tourist, to sell cheap crap to, and potentially hook up with.

So a novelty in both worlds, but such different interactions. There is something dehumanizing about both styles though. In both, I feel like less of a person – one as an object to be held apart and the other as an object to be exploited Neither seem to consider me and what I would want, although of course neither is my culture so I probably do not warrant an entire change of style, based on my mere existence. I dont know how I will make friends in either world. Im a third gender in Jordan. Men treat me more like they would other men – they can say things they would never say in front of their wives, sisters, mothers, (mostly consisting of gay jokes and farts), but I am still not a man. They still must treat me far more conciliatory than they would normally, without the strict structure surrounding their interaction with Muslim women. In Turkey, Im a tourist. Im neither gender nor human – Im money. And considering I do want food, and jewelry and maybe even a rug by the end of the trip, it will probably work for them to “Ask me one question” before I go.

Im sure things will continue to feel unsettled – this is a lot of change for me in a short time, after what seems like a lifetime of same. And I miss my bed and my own bathroom and not traveling while having a period. But so far, I still embrace my decision to leave the known and travel out into the world that I still cannot believe I found. Im sure there will be many more surprising things to encounter during the next two weeks in Turkey, but I will try to post some pictures soon. My new hobby (photography) awaits.