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I’ve come to realize that most of what people say is complete bullshit and not to be trusted. I know, this sounds like a very negative way to begin a post – but bear with me. I’m going to make a point, a good point, and I think you’ll all soon be nodding your head in agreement. Or clicking your mouse far, far away from me. To look at porn. I know you, I do. You pervert.

Anyway, I find that there are several phrases that are used frequently, which when uttered you should know mean absolute bupkis. (Bupkis is the nice way of saying: Horseshit. I’m trying to curse less, it’s working well, no?)

1. “I tell it like it is.” This phrase you will see used on almost every single reality show. Whoever says this phrase, you know will be the resident beyotch. What that phrase tells you is that this person will say whatever they want to, to whomever they wish and then get defensive when they’re called out on being a hurtful mean a-hole. (see what I did there? I did not type out “asshole,” I censored myself. I am so GOOD at this!”). In real life if someone says this phrase, stay away from them. This person will tell all your information and have no qualms talking smack about you, behind your back, to the entire office. Trust.

What is so disarming about that phrase, is that it SHOULD be a good thing. What they think they are saying is “I’m honest and upfront,” but what they are REALLY saying is, “I say nasty shit all the time, and if someone calls me out on it, I will get really pissed off and only saying meaner, nastier shit. To everyone you know. I might even make up some stories, too.”

2. “My truth.” If anyone you ever meet says they are speaking “their truth,” please feel free to throw up on them. Seriously, just stick your finger down your throat and vomit in their face. The only people I have EVER known to use this phrase are self-centered jerks, usually the same type of person who will “Tell it like it is,” will also be willing to tell “my truth” ad nauseum. Also, a popular phrase used in reality T.V.

3. “Your secret’s safe with me.” What they forget to do is finish the rest of that sentence, which is as follows: “and just one other person.” Trust, whatever you tell you someone in secret – it will be told to at least one other person. Who will tell one other person, who will tell one other person. Also, don’t tell me ANYTHING you don’t want my husband to know. He’s my secret squirrel. And he really doesn’t tell anybody anything, because he’s totally honey-badger and couldn’t give a shit. Also, don’t tell me while I’m drunk either – because I’m likely to repeat it to teh person sitting at the bar next to me. Especially if your secret is about the person sitting at the bar next to me. That secret is OUT my friend.

So basically the short version is this: most people don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves and can’t keep a secret. What’s the summary of this? I don’t give a shit and don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband or my thousands of twitter followers (okay, 45) to know.