Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Last night I was watching the American Kennel Club’s dog show. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a dog show, or it’s Christopher Guest docu-parody Best in Show, but let me tell you they are quite entertaining.

As a dog owner, I can’t help but wonder how my dog would fold into the world of fancy pooches. There is no doubt in my mind that in the show ring my dog would break her leash to make friends with all the other dogs. When she was finished jumping all over them like a hyper leprechaun, she would proceed to bury her nose in the judge's crotch before attempting to climb him like a rope ladder on a game show obstacle course. But, after all that, maybe the judge would appreciate her spirit and lovable swag. She’s pretty darn cute if you can get her to sit still.

The dog show is one of the things she will sit still for. Kiddo sits at attention on her leopard pillow and watches the show right along with me. I suppose it’s like the celebrity red carpet of the canine world. (Oooh! There goes Lemon Drop China Winchester III! He is one hot stud!)

It’s kind of fun to watch the exotic breeds of dogs canter by and stand still while a man gooses their undersides. But the real show, is watching the “handlers” (this is dog show speak for a person who ferries the dog around and brushes its hair every so often).

The world’s finest dogs are accompanied by some of the worst dressed people on the planet. It’s like the entire population of folks who could use a “What Not to Wear” episode have gathered in the arena and brought their dogs.

On these “handlers” I’ve seen black panty hose under Kelly green capris, solid gold bedazzled ballet flats worn with a burgundy skirt suit that looked like it was loosely fashioned from a hotel couch cover, paisley ties worn with striped shirts, a navy blue blazer paired with a too tight ball gown, and a bright blue suit with clunky black patent leather shoes.

I should say here that I’ve been guilty of some major fashion don’ts in my day. I’ve been known to wear a yellow terry cloth jumper with red and white Coca-Cola knee socks (knee socks folks!). In seventh grade I came to picture day (picture day!) wearing green and purple peacock pattern pants and a purple silk shirt fastened with gold military style buttons. The thing is though, I can recognize those things as mistakes. But I wonder if some of the people at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog show would find them perfectly acceptable get ups for a whirl around the center ring?

Can all of those people really be so sartorially clueless?

My only plausible theory is that some of the handlers at dog shows spend so much time conditioning their dog’s hair they forget to spend at least five minutes in their own closet. Oooooh! I just had a fabulous idea! Stacey and Clinton (or Tim Gunn---pick your network) could do a whole show at the Kennel Club! We’d all be better off I think. Especially the dogs. Will someone please think of the dogs?

P.S. Thanks to alert reader Sharon for pointing out that it's "Patent" leather as opposed to "Patton" leather. Although I can't help but find the image of Patton Leather shoes extremely hilarious...

I used to watch it, but it has been a few years. It sounds like nothing has changed, probably the same clothes from then too. I bet they do it to keep the attention on the dogs. After all, just a glimps of those outfits is too much.