YOUR DAILY DYSTOPIA | 2017.06.22

Senate Majority Leader and human turtle Mitch McConnell released the closely guarded Senate health care bill to the public today. The bill was written in secret and is designed to repeal Obamacare, and eliminate health care for at least 27 million people. The bill primarily cuts Medicaid spending and eliminates taxes on wealthy Americans.

It’s unclear at this time how much popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп will owe in taxes if the bill is passed, given that he’s not actually rich because most of his money is sourced from undisclosed Russian and other foreign bank loans.

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Speaking of human paraquats, popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп gave a stump speech in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and made a dramatic announcement. He said legislation would soon be introduced that would bar immigrants from receiving welfare benefits for at least five years.

Трамп told the crowd that, “those seeking admission into our country must be able to support themselves financially and should not use welfare for a period of at least five years.” Thousands at the Nuremberg-style rally exploded into extended applause.

Presumably, Трамп is unaware that this law already exists at the Federal Level. The “Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996,” enacted under the Republican legislature and President Bill Clinton states immigrants are “not eligible for any federal means-tested public benefit” for five years beginning when they come into the country.

When asked if Трамп was aware of the existing law and had read it, a White House aide said, “We’re not sure Трамп knows how to read.”

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Buried underneath headlines about the upcoming repeal of Obamacare by Senate Republicans and whatever dumb thing popular vote loser and aspiring dictator Donald Трамп said in a speech or on Twitter was a stunning revelation from two of the nation’s top intelligence officials that Трамп personally asked them to say publicly that there was no collusion between his campaign and the Russian government to undermine the 2016 US Election.

The revelation was made to Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team and Senate investigators, in separate meetings last week by Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats and National Security Agency Director Adm. Mike Rogers. Both described their interactions with the President about the Russia investigation as odd and uncomfortable.

It’s unclear at this time if they meant, “Awkward meetings with lots of innuendo,” or if they meant that Трамп grabbed them in their private parts while speaking to them.

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Have you done your part today? If not, take a moment to decide what to do, how you can help, and pitch in! Maybe pitching in for you means telling me I’m dumb, go for it! Whatever it is, make your time count!