Category: Wild & Unruly

(I’m on my way home after a hockey social, dressed as a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit and trick handcuffs. I’m pretty hungry, so I stop for food. Inside there is a drunk man yelling at the cashiers.)

Drunk: “I said [competitor’s signature item]! This is WRONG!”

Cashier: “I told you, you’re at [place], not [competitor]!”

Drunk: “I know where I am!”

Me: “Oh, do you?”

(He turns to me, and does a double take at my outfit.)

Me: “Because I think you’re in a whole world of trouble.”

(I start advancing, cackling Joker-style.)

Drunk: “What ya gonna do, crazy b****?”

(In answer, I stretch out, making it look like I’ve just torn apart my handcuffs.)

Drunk: “Holy s***!”

(I keep approaching, cackling.)

Drunk: “Psycho b****!”

(He throws his food at me and runs. I reach the counter, and drop the act.)

Me: “Can I get a portion of nuggets, please?”

(The cashier just stares at me for a moment.)

Cashier: “Y’know, I think he was right on the crazy part. Nuggets coming right up.”

(I’m 10 years old. I am helping my father out at his takeaway, being the ‘cashier’. We are Asian. A white customer in her thirties walks in, and orders some food. I call my dad’s friend to make it, and he does. He brings it out and leaves.)

Me: “Okay, miss, that will be £30.00.”

Customer: “What? Oh no, darling; I’m the old owner’s daughter! I get my food for free!”

Me: “£30.00.”

Customer: “FREE. Give me my food for free, sweetheart.”

Me: “Please pay £30.00.”

Customer: “Dearie, I get it for free. My father—bless him, he’s 60 now—is the owner, and lets me have it for free! Give it to me!”

Me: “I don’t believe my father is 60; he is only 40. And we are Asian; you are a White person. Now, please pay for your food, or I will be forced to call the police.”

(I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

(I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

(I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

My Friend: “Everything okay?”

Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

(My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

(She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

(I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)