You spend ages analysing toilet paper after a wee - is that a brown tinge? Is af starting or is it implantation spotting? Hold it up to the light, then against the white wall. You would never dream of buying coloured toilet paper, because then how would you know??!!!

Some more- learning that non-TTC friends will think you have lost the plot if they learn you are even tracking ovulation. Best not talk about cervical checks, temping and banning DH from turning on his heated seat in the car...

Learning a lot more about semen, especially how to tell it apart from ewcm. I have spent a long time studying this...

I looked at this thinking it was 'advice on silly mistakes not to make' eg. You have to have had sex 3-5 days before ov and most lubes aren't sperm friendly. Instead you have just given me and DH a good giggle as only on cycle 2 and have been secretly doing all these things, especial analysing toilet roll and his sperm between my fingers. Thanks for the white wall tip!

Anyone seen that 'holiday spam' three mobile advert? The one with a collage of about 20 pics? There's one with someone with their finger and thumb an inch apart. The first time I saw that, my first thought was genuinely someone testing their CM before brain kicked in and made me question why that was in an airport.

People don't know we're ttc yet, and best friend announced she was pregnant. My DH warned me not to sound too knowledgable about stuff if I wanted to keep ttc secret. He has a point, I didn't know OPKs existed before January!

You throw your cushions at the TV everytime someone on TV gets pregnant because apparently the only time someone on TV gets pregnant is after a one night thing or accidentally. Even bloody Carrie from Homeland! Homeland! You would have thought the one place you'd be safe from TV pregnancy was bloody Homeland. You currently can't see the TV for cushions.

Every bloody advert on the TV is for baby formula or nappies or is that bloody steam washer ad where the lady says 'As a mum I'm very concerned about germs' or something equally stupid.

You spend way too much money on amazon buying anything fertility related that has positive reviews. The month I got pregnant (after more than 2 yrs ttc) I bought a particular brand of vitamins and ovulation sticks so maybe that combo worked!

Also unless you have a medical reason to take other vitamins, the only one you really should take when TTC is folic acid. I mean, obviously an antenatal vitamin is not going to do you any harm but if money is an issue then you'll find that folic acid on it's own is much cheaper.

Going commando seems like a good solution to most hospital appointments as most of the hospital's medical team have had some sort of device up there checking you out.Perfecting your passive face when people offer well meaning advice. (Have you tried relaxing ?) Standing on your head after doing the deed doesn't seem at all crazy. (I can now after 2.5 years do a pretty good headstand)