Phoebe: If you buy a mattress from Janice's ex-husband,
isn't that like betraying Chandler?
Monica: Not at these prices!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he
hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry
my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with
him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a
big difference.
Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll
still have the memory of what it was like to be with
a 20-year-old.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you
ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and
gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's
parking the car.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee
shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming
shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes.
He has to look nineteen for an audition.]
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you
want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh?
That's whack. Playstation is whack! 'Sup with the
whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen
or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being
the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely
nineteen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside
her door, and they got hooked on it]
Chandler: What the hell's going on here? You formed
a mob outside our apartment? This woman tried to do
something nice for you people. This is how you thank
her? I bet you none of you know her name.
Neighbor: Yeah, we do! Candy lady!
Chandler: Okay, that's it! Everybody get out of here!
Go home!
Joey: Yeah, go home!
[goes inside the apartment, and starts eating the
candy]
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute.
Somebody left this threatening note.
Joey: [takes note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob
mentality...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a
cola drink.
Chandler: And a LEMON LIME!
Ross: You shouldn't have! I feel like I should get
you another sweater.
Joey: And last but not least.
[Monica receives her gift]
Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Alright, look if you absolutely have to
tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's
right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention!
Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[pounding a scone]
Ross: Stupid British snack food!
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management
class?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In response to a stupid comment.]
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's
resistance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw
your jacket over a chair?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's
a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a
pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day,
it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has
survived.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common,
it *doesn't* "happen to every guy," and
it *is* a big deal!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Monica gets a disastrous haircut.]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one
side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't
look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would
only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock.
[To Rachel]
Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that
guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross'
class marching band. He was kinda overweight...really
overweight...I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you
sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't though about
him in a long time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Will gives a cake to Monica]
Will: It's no fat, no sugar, no dairy...It's no good,
throw it out!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this
is Will.
Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the
game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if
we didn't stand right next to each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: So what are you up to?
Will: I'm a commodities broker.
Ross: Really? That sounds interesting?
Will: Yeah, no it's not but I'm rich and thin!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on
the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica: No...no honey...Not like that, we're not a
barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I
showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: It's been a while since we've yelled something...Maybe
we should...No!
Phoebe: What? No! Damn you ref! Burn in hell!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully
dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not.
So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my
chair, dillhole!"
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he
starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't
say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
Joey: THAT'S RIGHT! I'm taking the ESSENCE!
Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody
in the room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt]
Ross: Dude, what are you doing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know
about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Dude!
Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Dude"?
Ross: ... and this girl is making eyes at Chandler,
okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and,
uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now,
I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type
of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just
goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a
very pretty guy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Playing Football]
Monica: Okay Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and
I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're
doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we
know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that
we're living together?
Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like
you. I'm sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that
you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke
around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes
and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you
don't like me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: OKAY! Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well, I don't know! Phoebe just threw a Jack
away because he didn't look happy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room]
Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public
men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would
be seeing each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about
being a lesbian!
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course.
Otherwise they don't let you do it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair]
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how
HE wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10 eh,
Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE!, I said I wanted it like
Demi Moore.
Phoebe: Oh, OH!
Monica: OH MY GOD!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is Demi Moore?
Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE,
INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST!
Phoebe: OH! Oh she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I KNOW!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Here it is buddy boy, you hide my clothes, I'm
wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh My God, that is so not the opposite of
taking someone's underwear!
Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing
anymore clothes?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: [On the phone] Could you please tell me what
this is in reference to? ...Yes, hold on.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity
on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual activity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is
my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the
middle of my first name!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and
Chandler. What is the name on the magazine?
Rachel: Oh it's Chandler Bing! Him! Right there!
Monica: No!
Ross: Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler
Bong"
Chandler: Ms. Chanandler Bong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all
male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas!
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter: I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in
heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe,
and E as in...Ello there mate!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After observing a short fight between Rachel and
Ross]
Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break!"
"No we weren't!" What happened to you two?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be
so macho all the time.
Chandler: I'm not macho.
Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled
one or the one that bit her?
Jill Green: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said,
I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and
take all your money and then cut *you* off!
Rachel: Wow! What did he say?
Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: What? No. What - what are you doing? GET OFF
MY SISTER!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They
yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn
in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail
dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play
racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow! That's great! Dad must really like you,
he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked
for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you
the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it
up!
Monica: No! Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep
it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred
yards from the original?
Phoebe: [pauses] Because I'm normal!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No
divorces in '99! Whoo!"
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! WHOO! This year
I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and
I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: My motto is get out before they go down.
Joey: That is so not my motto.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [To Joey who's removing his tie] Would you
put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt's my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's
not named for each individual man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: No, I don't want to tell anybody else because
I don't want Monica to find out.
Phoebe: You told me.
Chandler: Well, it's because I trust you, you're one
of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I
was looking at ring brochures.
Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off.
I only wish you hadn't been on the toilet.
Chandler: Me too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate
here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now
Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...Emily.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts
with other men even though they're together]
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would
bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going
out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with
other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept*
with other women...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation
but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind,
would you please just go back home?
[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here.
Ross: [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's
Day!
[Mona stares angrily at Ross]
Ross: Or, something to remember me by...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know!
And Joey, you can't say anything!
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is given medicine for anger management]
Chandler: What did they give you?
Ross: I don't know, but I sure don't care about my
sandwich anymore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: [sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake
off the floor] All right, what are we having?
[takes out a fork and starts to eat with them]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch
secretly looking for Monica's lost earring]
Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a pampers commercial.
[Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down...]
Rachel: Oh you know me, Babies, responsibilities,
Ahhh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy,
and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances
like this all the time, if you don't meet her now,
you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which
is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back,
and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh, No
Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Hey Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking?
Phoebe: Oh, okay! How it's been so long since you've
had sex and wondering if they've changed it?
Monica: No, only now that's what I'm thinking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie: [Chandler just asked him to move out] This
is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?
Chandler: No, no, no! This isn't out of the blue!
This is smack dab in the middle of the blue!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
Chandler: ...No!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed]
Joey: Aw, man! He took the five of spades!
[looks through deck]
Joey: No, here it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf]
Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in High
School?
Joey: No. I had sex in High School.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely
over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her,
you know, just to see what's going on and she says
she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's
over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what
it means.
Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be
able to crack your code?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen
in my eye.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna
do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh
no, two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy!
My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND
SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is wearing a white suit.]
Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel
Sanders.
Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel: Oh! Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily: Ross! Come look! There's a deer just outside
eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go! There's a deer just
outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside,
eating fruit from the orchard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: And look! A phone in the bathroom!
Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: No, I definitely don't like the name Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe: Well it's just that something like this would
never happen to, like, The Hulk.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross: Then I'll use the gentle cycle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon
as you meet someone!
Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met
Barry.
Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every
little thing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Describing her friends.]
Monica: Married a lesbian, left a man at the altar,
married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg
in the fire, live in a box!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: We can be guys! Come on, let us be guys!
Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all
hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs
and condoms.]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck
here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica looks fat in an old home movie.]
Monica: The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: What? You made a bet! A bet is a bet! You bet
on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni
is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't
like that then-
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You know, I'm really glad we decided not
to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Me too.
Chandler: You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and
I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. So,
what do you think... bossy and domineering?
Monica: The wedding's off, sloppy and immature!
[they get up]
Monica: Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in
the guest room.
Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill!
Monica: Shrill? The wedding's back on!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Mom and Dad have always liked you better!
Ross: Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica's reunion with an old high school friend.]
Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica: You mean you still work at the movie theater?
Chip: Yeah. I can get you free posters for your room!
Monica: No thanks, I'm set!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you
aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please
leave.
Chandler: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner
or can you be anyone's?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[About Ross' new baby]
Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't
she just copy my hairstyle or something?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: No Phoebe! You don't want to see what's under
there!
Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw
your jacket over a chair?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's
a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a
pile of garbage.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [dancing and singing] She's on the other
line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line,
gonna call me back!
Monica: Don't you still have to pee?
Chandler: That's why I'm dancing!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
Chandler: How do you not fall down more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Carol is nursing Ben.]
Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in
the world.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance
here so stop calling us."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into
one side, does the other get bigger?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I've never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe: You've never asked a guy out?
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times! That doesn't make me sound
too good, does it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know
what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You
have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream"
speech.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. ...Did
I say that out loud?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man.
Just stop calling.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a
wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Gum would be perfection.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents
about their relationship]
Monica: Can't we tell your parents first?
Richard Burke: They're both dead.
Monica: Oh, you are *so* lucky!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere,
and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would
go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think,
"My wife is cool!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks"
and "clowns."]
Joey: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks
have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your
birthday parties?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel: Oh, it was horrible! He called me "young
lady"!
Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between
us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer
than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a
woman for four years. Four years of closeness and
sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart
out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think
that was my point.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If
I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much
of a difference.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but
back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought
I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you
but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole
night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckels, we're not making any noise.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it
down!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey
in almost a year.
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?
[pause]
Chandler: Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one*
joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good
at this game?
Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used
to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
Chandler: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look...
great job growing up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that
ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school
and God is making up for it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife.]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if
there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I
mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately,
in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's
like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for
you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots
of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie
Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them
with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
best thing that ever happened to you! You got married,
you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world!
Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after
hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica.]
Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we
just went in there because we were uncomfortable being
out here.
Chandler: I hope he did!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that
only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can
hear?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys
and your "cancer" and your "emphysema"
and your "heart disease." The bottom line
is smoking is cool and you know it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game.
I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife
and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then
I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[A ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
Phoebe: Okay, now we need the sage branches and the
sacramental wine.
Monica: All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe: That's okay.
[Adds them.]
Phoebe: All right, now we need the semen of a righteous
man.
Rachel: OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that,
we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need?
Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What
do you need? Anything.
Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you
guys!
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing!
Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected
by a string!
Chandler: Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: So umm, how -- how are we gonna mess with
them?
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know,
as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest
tool at my disposal: my sexuality.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old lonely guy, I need
a thing, a hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats
his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy man
with a snake"! Crazy Snake Man! Then I'll buy
more snakes, call them my children. Kids won't walk
past my house, they will run! "Run away from
Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge
of the dig?
Rachel: Julie! Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch,
spit-on-your-neck, fantastic!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: I'm Rachel! I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love
Ross! I hate Ross!
Rachel: I'm Monica! I can't get a boyfriend so I'll
stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy
I find there!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Trying to fix up Monica with a date]
Joey: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.
Monica: No, not after your cousin who could belch
the alphabet!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alice: I want to name the girl baby Leslie. And, um,
Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank, Jr.,
Jr.
Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there
are three babies, and we both got to put our names
in, we would be truly honored if you would name the
other boy baby.
Phoebe: Oh, wow. That's so nice! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
Alice: ...You think about it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So -- you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call
you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call
me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull
off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint!
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint! Clint!
Joey: What's up with Gene?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark...
but you might make a good Barney.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not
my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the
altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't
let you get married when you're that drunk and have
stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I
would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best,
my best...
[crying]
Monica: There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I
can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said
or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing
that matters is that you, that you make me happier
than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I
will spend the rest of my life trying to make you
feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: Yes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Oh my God! I've become my father! I've been
trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see
this coming!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: See? Unisex!
Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days
ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: MUCH sense?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [To Will] This is my husband, Chandler. Chandler,
this is Will.
Chandler: I'd shake your hand, but I'm really into
the game. Plus, I'd think it'd be better for my ego
if we didn't stand next to each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into
dinosaurs we were?
[To Ross]
Will: So what do you do now?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would
be like my bitches.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna
to check my messages.
Chandler: And you thought of that in there?
Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see
who else did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [talking about a dog] What if it attacks
me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[To Ross]
Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could
not get married at all this year.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Referring to Janice]
Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's
Day?
Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back
as a toilet brush.
[Janice enters Central Perk]
Janice: [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine!
Chandler: Hello, Just Janice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both
had a lot of sangria and we started kissing.
Ross: Now that's two of my wives.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler's trying to quit smoking]
Chandler: Eww, Lambchop! How old is that sock? If
I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking
too.
Ross: Okay, I think it's time to change someone's
nicotine patch.
[does so]
Chandler: [deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?
Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The
Friend Zone".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after
a few years of being apart]
Phoebe: You got a haircut!
David: Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a
paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire
people they like.
Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".
Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less
sex with you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: The other cheesecake came. They delivered
it to the wrong address again.
Rachel: So, just bring it back downstairs. What's
the problem?
Chandler: I can't seem to say good-bye.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Hey, you know, you could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh, right, like they're going to let me have
a passport?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [taking duck out in the hallway] Now you
stay out here and you think about what you did!
Ross: That's a duck.
Chandler: That's a bad duck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are
selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I
just gave birth to three children and I will not let
them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Wow! You're a really good kisser!
Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: That's probably because their nerves are deadened
from being so stupid!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same
place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't
matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did
that all just make sense?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now.
Ben: Why? I want him to stay.
Chandler: Because......if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo
stay in the same room for too long.......the universe
will......implode....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You should be a chef.
Monica: Okay!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop]
Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: I thought you were Chandler.
[Joey looks disturbed]
Gunther: [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is
over there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After a fight caused by Chandler watching a car chase
on TV]
Monica: Well why don't you blame the idiot who tried
to drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas?
Chandler: DO NOT speak ill of the dead!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the
trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married! And they're gonna
have a baby!
Rachel: Uhuh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas]
Joey: Hey Rach! How you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross! Don't let her drink anymore!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: How do I ask a guy out?
Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and
down and say, how you doing?
Rachel: ewww
Joey: [Turns to Phoebe] How you doing?
Phoebe: [Giggles] Just fine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in
the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him.
But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities
for award shows.
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the
red carpet with people screaming "Wow! You look
fabulous!" at them?
Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little
bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E!"?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and
asks what's happening.]
Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster.
[Rooster crows]
Chandler: We're getting second opinion.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI!
Phoebe: Ugh! The name was my favorite part!
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not! You came up with relaxi-CAB.
That name sucks.
Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab"
like "taxi cab"!
Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed
him. Do you think that was wrong?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and
what looks like cider.
[takes a glass from the fridge]
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the
fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of
Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out,
I do put career before men.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't
be late.
Phoebe: [Rhyming] We could not, would not want to
wait.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both
sit in the chair.
[sits on Joey's lap]
Chandler: I'm soooo, comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little
too comfortable.
Chandler: All right!
[jumps up]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless
you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo
Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable
sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would
like back one of these days!
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Rachel didn't have anything that I liked,
but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought,
'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh! Christmas!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Thanksgiving]
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play
that game where everybody says what they're thankful
for.
Joey: Oh! I should be thankful for the wonderful fall
we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH!
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and
this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere
and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm
also thankful for thongs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their
wedding]
Monica: Why must your family be Scottish?
Chandler: Why must your family be *Ross*?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey]
Joey: OK, well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh!
[Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast.]
Monica: Okay, umm, I just wanna say that...I love
you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here
on my special night.
[Chandler clears his throat.]
Monica: Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't
be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate
with me-us-Damnit!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up
early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta
look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.]
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early,"
did you mean 1986?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [chasing after him] Chandler! It happens to
lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you
had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it!
Chandler: [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried,
I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology!
Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed
Biology and tonight Biology failed me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking about engagement presents for Monica and
Chandler]
Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of
those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it
at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if
you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When
I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up!
My pony was sick.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown!
Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can
take up the whole river.
[Yelling]
Joey: Get out of the way jackass!
[To Rachel]
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You're mean on the boat!
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember
when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't
let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't
move your arms because you were wearing three life
jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: God, this is funny, look, this is a picture
of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.
[Shows Phoebe the picture]
Rachel: And look, she made me carry her train, which
was weird because I was Wonder Woman.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four
hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could
be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get
to London, there could be a line at customs! Come
on!
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of
Monica

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[bursts into Chandler's hotel room]
Ross: [Screaming] I'm getting married today! Whoo-hoo!
Chandler: [With the covers pulled up to his chin]
Morning, Ross.
Ross: I'm getting married, to..day!
Chandler: Yeah you are!
Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!
[He runs back out the door]
Monica: [Comes up for below the covers] Do you think
he knew I was here?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking to Ross]
Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but...
I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're
nice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Hey, can we turn on the TV I think it's raining
outside.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Watching Joey's small role in a porno movie]
Joey: Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang
on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there
I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet
got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
[to Ross]
Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: [to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you
guys have been wondering what exactly happened between
Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's
a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan.
She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are
going to raise the baby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report
BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound...OF music!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive,
stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down
the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every
which way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: [sees a little kid playing with a race car
bed - to kid] Hi. Y'know in England this car would
be on the other side of the store.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never
been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene
where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take
a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah,
or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something
evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in
my eyebrow and I like it'
[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the
pretend fishhook]
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well
all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.
[looks all confused]
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting
tonight everybody, class dismissed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: This has been like my dream ever since I got
my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's
Bakery"!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My
nipples can cut glass over here!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? Okay! In college,
Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like
contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Ross: Chandler got drunk one night and slept with
the woman who cleaned our dorm.
Chandler: That was you.
Ross: Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: I wish I'd known you were going to do that.
I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way
it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together.
Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food
of yours.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Wow what a cool job!
[Imitating the answering machine]
Joey: You have two new messages. Please pass the pie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay! If you
didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well
I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey! Ross came as Doody!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times but I'm a little
more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that
won't quit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily: There's someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as
it does in America?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Upon learning he must move far away and commute to
work]
Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time!
Chandler: That's great! Last year I got the gift of
space! We should get together and make a continuum!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: So, does it do something special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple,
it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land
of Narnia.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not
as your friend.
Chandler: So now you're not my friend?
Ross: Not now.
Chandler: All right.
Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying
Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt
you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Hahahahahahaha!
Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt
you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again?
Ross: Yes.
Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother
just told me...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Lily's dead.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she wasn't, then cremating her was
a pretty bad idea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys
will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-that's bad?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend
the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like
7!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Sup? So i see you're playing a little Playstation.
That's whack. Playstation is whack. Sup with the whack
Playstaion, sup? Am I 19 or what?
Chandler: Yes on a scale of 1 to 10 on how ridiculous
a person can look, you are definitely 19.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's
sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister,
I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler: That was five years ago.
Joey: I know. You got five more years!
Chandler: Joey...
Joey: You want to make it six?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been
cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean
squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's
Rachel: What are you a detective?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant]
Joey: Look Chandler, if this is going to work you
have got to listen! Your gonna throw that juice in
my face aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial
jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to
do is find a plane load of people who's resolution
is to plummet to their deaths.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed
red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved
Emily, cut up into mulch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their
baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old
woman?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I'm going to China
Monica: China? Why?
Ross: We have a bone, they want the bone so we have
to take the bone over--it's a big bone thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has
babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom,
welcome home from the hospital." THUD.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I think the most romantic song is the one
that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's
the Boss?"
Monica: Which one was that?
Phoebe: You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza.....".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving! Because I'm not
going to spend one more day with someone whose out
to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get
out of his sweatpants]
Ross: C'mon man, just take em off, just take em off
and we'll have some fun.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Uh.. well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere
near the Netherlands right?
Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe
place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall]
Chandler: Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants!
Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Chandler: You're not wearing any underwear?
Joey: Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot
pink thong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Friends attend a lesbian wedding]
Joey: All these women, and nothin'.
Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my
lesbian wedding.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandra Greene: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler: Yes we did because you look so pretty.
Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [Deciding what to cook] Is this not cute?
OK! Lesbian Wedding - CHICKEN BREASTS!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song
to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see
it, and your fly's still open
[pause]
Rachel: ha, i made you look.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[on thanksgiving day]
Chandler: So, when's the big game gonna start?
Phoebe: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't
here, you can watch the parade.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Ross comes in dressed as a SPUDnik]
Chandler: Suddenly I don't have the worst costume
anymore!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready]
Rachel: I'll just become a lesbian
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler]
Monica: Oh my God! She knows about us!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying
to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and
my bulging biceps...SHE KNOWS!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed
another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her]
Phoebe: Okay it just seems a little wild and you're
so...vanilla.
Rachel: Vanilla? I'm not vanilla! I've done lots of
crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas!
Phoebe: To Ross.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Chandler kisses Kathy]
Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even
see the line! The line is a dot to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the
mouse back in the house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica dates Pete, a millionaire]
Chandler: [to Pete] So, how much cash is in your pocket
*right now*?
Monica: [to Pete] And that's why I'm not inviting
you in for a drink!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[filling out a form]
Monica: Are you currently on any medication?
Rachel: Um, oh wait yes! Blistex!
Monica: Okay, no!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good
people!
Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital
watch.
Monica: There's more beer right?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his
Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his
Christmas balls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I'm taking a Literature class at the New School.
Chandler: That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I kinda liked that Lamaze class
I took, but I was looking for something a little bit
more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: [when Ross walks in] Oh there he is, the father
of my child, the porn king of the west village.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [To everybody] We have to talk.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. Alright no I'm
not.
Monica: Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[About Ross being in love with Rachel]
Phoebe: This is big. No this is huge. No this is like
really really... alright what's bigger than huge?
Joey: Uh, this?
Phoebe: Yeah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it.
Now I don't want people to see it either, but you
so badly don't want people to see it makes me want
to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you
and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids,
that you slept with their grandfather.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you
want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do YOU know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard
it from some guy!
Joey: [raising his hand] some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler's
relationship]
Phoebe: I can't believe it. I mean think it's great.
For him, she might be able to do better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend
together. What's wrong with you?
Chandler: I just wanted to watch a little TV. OK relax,
mom.
Monica: What did you just say?
Chandler: I said relax, Monnn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in
Monica's bedroom]
Joey: I'm hungry.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school
and you know how when a guy walks into a room and
everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice'
walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[All sitting around coffee table talking about their
"weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool
table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the
women's room on the second floor of the New York City
Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God! What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee... well it's a really weird
place.
Rachel: Um...Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After
All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind
a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then
they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return
to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: Alright... oh, the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is upset about something]
Phoebe: It's ok Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that's your name!
Phoebe: Oh! I thought that was just something we called
each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Hey Mon, I got a question for you.
Monica: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see
other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't
look.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen
to this? A mental health professional. And that's
only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven.
Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty
weird.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award
on an absent actress' behalf]]
Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award!
Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her
behalf.
Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I
behalfing it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldn't have even opened these!
I mean I--Joey, I am out of control! Joey, you have
to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter
what I do, please do not let me open another present!
Okay?
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Give me one more.
Joey: Okay.
[hands her one]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have
kept all of out secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you
because I am an excellent secret keeper.
[The girls walk away]
Joey: You'll tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Hello, my name is Clunkers! May I please stay
with you nice people?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait
if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend?
Phoebe: A month.
Monica: Really? I'd say two or three.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel doesn't take his advice]
Joey: Fine! No one ever listens to me! If the package
is this pretty, no one cares what's inside!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: So, can we still be friends and have sex?
Richard Burke: Sure, it'll just be something we do
together, like racquetball.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mum died?
Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped
drawing the deer!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over]
Monica: How ya doin'?
Chandler: Well, my apartment's not there anymore because
I drank it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair
marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for
anything excess in there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that
Pop-Tart? Pheebs?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart
Ross: Hey, I might!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck.
There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight
people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you-you worked in a mine?
Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked
smile, who lived in a shoe, for a...while...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well,
I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament
room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh,
I have to win money to exert my power over women.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby,
you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together,
coz I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore!
Rachel: No, no we're not.
Ben: Coz you and dad were on a break!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before
you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did!
Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
Joey: 'When can you move in?'!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Did you just smell my hair?
Pete: No.
Monica: Oh my God, you still have feelings for me,
don't you?
Pete: No I don't.
Monica: None at all?
Pete: Okay I love you, is that so wrong?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler has just watched a woman giving birth on
tape]
Chandler: Before this, the most disturbing thing I
ever saw was my dad doing tequila shots off the pool
boy. Now, I'd gladly use that image as my screensaver!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like
"Indiana Jones."
Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack?
Really?
Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall...
[Monica stares]
Chandler: ...in exchange for money.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: You know Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's
way of telling you to slow down.
Chandler: I thought a heart attack was nature's way
of telling you to die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking
about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to
know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this
is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic
period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything.
It's who I am, I'm a positive person.
Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa
Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?
Monica: I'll have a latte.
Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.
Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little-
Phoebe: You know I was just being polite!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In Ross's apartment]
Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there.
Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma?
Amy: I think so...
[looks at Phoebe]
Amy: Hi Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish
control....
Monica: That's just another word for "lose"!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits
roll, and Chandler wakes up.]
Chandler: Great show! Good work, Joey!
Joey: You liked it?
Chandler: Liked it? I loved it!
Joey: What did you like best about it?
Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show!
Joey: What about the specifics?
Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part!
Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo?
Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in
a World War I epic.
Joey: You fell asleep! There was no kangaroo! They
didn't take any of my suggestions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire
trucks.
Joey: Why?
Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says
is the funniest guy she ever met.
Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny
is your thing.
Chandler: I know! So could you mention fire trucks
when she comes in.
Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing
lines.
Chandler: [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't
have to do that for a living.
Joey: I know!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.
Rachel: Ok, what does he look like?
Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry!
Rachel: Ok...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my
gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
Joey: Don't look at me! You're the one who like the
picture so much!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel.
No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I
might have had some feelings for her, but now they're
all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't
think I ever had feelings for Rachel.
[Rachel walks into the room]
Rachel: Hey, sweetie.
Joey: [thinking] I love you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened.
He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what,
I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could
exchange his dollars for Vermont money.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know! I mean it's not just my friend Rachel,
it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel!
Phoebe: Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Kick me in the stomach why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush,
it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah! I mean I've had them for you guys...
except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them
for us before, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone
here, will ya?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica and Chandler come back from London]
Phoebe: Oh, my god! You had sex!
Monica: No, we didn't!
Phoebe: [to Chandler] I know YOU didn't, I'm saying
she did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe,
naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to
just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine.
It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly
beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on.
You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids! I can't wait to see you! Please
don't hurt me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe is in labor]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey! I came as soon as I heard!
Phoebe: Hey. Where's Alice?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, she's in Delaware. But, don't
worry, she told me all about the lamazda training.
Chandler: Yes, that would be if you get the babies
out by the end of the month, you get 2% financing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having for
Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one.
Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: C'mon! I got *your* secrets, I got *their* secrets;
I got secrets of my own you know!
Rachel: [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets
Joey: Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Hugsy, my
bedtime penguin pal!
[blushes, embarrassed]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's
dad]
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?
Woman: Amanda.
Rachel: Oh... I get it! A-man-duh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I don't get it! Why can't we use the same toothbrush?
We use the same soap.
Chandler: That's different! The toothbrush has been
in my mouth.
Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think
of the first place you're washing, and the last place
I washed!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm
beginning to feel like a nomad.
[Joey giggles]
Ross: What's so funny?
Chandler: He thought you said "gonad".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and
a duck]
Chandler: Could we BE more white trash?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas
Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss!
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for
Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second
prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year.
If you count it now, she's probably the-
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: You know, Chandler, you being here is the
best gift I could ask for Christmas.
Chandler: Aww. Thanks Pheebs.
Phoebe: Ok, now where's my real present?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: So, I guess this is it.
Monica: What's it?
Chandler: Well, it's over. The thing we had.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because, we had a fight. I mean-
Monica: Chandler, you don't just give up after you
have a fight. I mean, if you do that you'd never have
a relationship lasting longer than... Ohhhhh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Oh, my god! Chandler! Why aren't you in Tulsa?
Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean,
why should everybody else do what they like, except
for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy!
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas
presents.
[hands out envelopes to everyone]
Ross: [opens envelope] "A donation has been made
in your name to the New York Ballet".
[everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie: Ok. You want me to move out? Fine. I just want
to hear you say it.
Chandler: Fine. Eddie I would like you to move out.
Eddie: No, that's no good. I want you to say it with
your mouth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hottest
couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and
have a ton of sex!
Chandler: Monica, this is stupid. Just to prove them
wrong you're willing to go and have hours and hours
of sex oh my god why am I saying no to this, get your
coat!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Oh, my god. You know what just happened?
You just freaked out about our relationship!
Monica: I did not!
Chandler: Yes, you did! Just admit it!
Monica: All right, all right. I admit it, I freaked
out a little.
Chandler: A little? You freaked out BIG TIME! You
know what just happened? I became the relationship
master, and you turned into the bumbling screw up!
We have now switched places! Take that!
[Chandler does a victory dance, while Monica stares
at him]
Chandler: [stops dancing] And, we're back to where
we were...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Alright, I'm going to tell him that its not
going to happen.
[As she starts to leave, Chandler does his victory
dance]
Monica: DON'T DO THE DANCE!
Chandler: Got it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman,
but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
Jack Geller: Come on, tell us.
Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20?
Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything.
Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let
me live vicariously.
Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis
between friends?
Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through.
When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got
your own speedster.
Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends
you can borrow the car and I could-
Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry?
I CAN'T STOP SMILING!
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger
in your mouth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having
fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad,
either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...
[to Joey]
Chandler: Well, except you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish]
Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and
thrash around?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium,
and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's
when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies.
After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight.
They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees?
Joey: They go into the chipper.
Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy
as it sounds?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross was selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl
gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister.
She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking
New Year's Eve"]
Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and
don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Director: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In mens' room]
Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going?
Tall Guy: Good.
Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner?
Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about
to bring my wife.
Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping-
Tall Guy: No.
Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out
for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her
on the New Year's countdown.
Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But...
no. Sorry she's fair game.
Joey: ... All right, that's fair.
[throws water at Tall guy's crotch]
Tall Guy: Hey! What're you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey! You're the one wetting your pants!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's
Christmas presents]
Phoebe: Oh, my god! Under the couch.
[takes out bag]
Rachel: We got one! It's a Macy's bag!
[turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Yay! Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers,
do you really think I would hide presents under the
couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long
time]
Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the
couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing!
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler! You brought Chandler! The next best
thing would be Monica!
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica
is freakishly strong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him,
but man that guy can push my buttons!
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that-
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking!
Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross"
on it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank was supposed to name one of his sons after
Chandler]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler is a girl! Chandler is
a girl!
Chandler: Hold on, kindergarten flashback.
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, there was a mistake! It turns
out that we missed it on the x-rays, the baby was
a girl after all! Chandler is a girl! Chandler is
a girl! Chandler is a girl!
Chandler: Oh, please keep screaming that!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave
you a chance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out
of your vagina, not the same thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll
be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible.
Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five
year old condom.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about
anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking
about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's
done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex.
He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but
this he sees.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like,
get all the medals.
Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your
own troops?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked
him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said
all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't
heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't
sing along! Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah.
I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please
tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and
Chandler... have a
[mumble]
Phoebe: handlerrrrr.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.
Phoebe: What thing about Santa?
Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Of course.
Joey: Ok, see you later.
[leaves]
Phoebe: Bye.
[stares, terrified]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross
look at any maps of the States or the globe in your
apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United
States.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I
got tired of it. So, I started naming different types
of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ... Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables.
Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad! Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid
state game!
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: You still love Rachel.
Ross: No, I don't!
Phoebe: You got married to her.
Ross: In Vegas! I was so drunk, I could've married
Joey!
Phoebe: [angry] Hey! You could do a lot worse than
Joey Tribianni!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: That's amazing! How did you know she would buy
scotch tape?
Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night,
making scary faces.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross's cousin is very attractive]
Cassie: The last time we were together was in that
cabin our parents rented. Remember that?
Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're
probably too old for that.
Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's
when I got these freckles.
[reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap]
Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either.
That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow.
[softly]
Ross: Just like our children would be...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cassie: Wow! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of
impressions.
[laughs nervously]
Ross: It's, uh, a hobby.
Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could
do me.
Ross: Ye- No!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux! I got James
Bond's tux! You'll ruin the special time for me!
Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's
special enough.
Chandler: [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh! Don't
do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding
to make you upset.
Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister!
Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[On living alone]
Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some
time alone with my thoughts...turns out, I don't have
as many thoughts as you'd think!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love
with him]
Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid.
What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind
of...sexy professor vibe?
Rachel: Not right now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do
that! My grandmother's gonna see that movie.
Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[winks at Joey]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that
Richard is selling]
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There
is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys
would be very happy here.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No! No. No. We're not
together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not
a couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What?
I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation
again!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Joey are looking at Richard's videotape
collection]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: What?
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on
it.
Joey: Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably
a sex tape.
[Joey thinks]
Joey: Wait a minute. This says Monica.
[Joey looks around]
Joey: And this is Richard's apartment.
Chandler: Get there faster!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is
great! We're gonna save so much money! And, no more
pain-in-the-ass planning!
[Monicas stares at him]
Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so
much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Bing: Nora, aren't you a little old to be
wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Charles, don't you have a little too much
penis to be wearing a dress like that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to
say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can
borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll
go see if Rachel has one.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't
spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban"
was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain
part of her body. What body part was it?
[Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear]
Ross: EEWW NO! Her EAR!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We
can just go home and take a shower. That's not so
scary is it?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's
wedding]
Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down
the aisle without the possibility of it ending in
divorce.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judy Geller: Chandler can't be here. He can't see
Monica in the wedding dress before the wedding. It's
bad luck.
Nora Bing: At my wedding, I saw the groom in a wedding
dress.
Charles Bing: You saw me after the wedding. It wasn't
a bad luck charm.
Nora Bing: Trust me honey, it can't be good luck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver.
You're fast and irresponsible.
Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made
me head cheerleader.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut!
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can
leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture-
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card!
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts
a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can
hear a thousand retailers scream.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend]
So, how did you two meet?
Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story-
Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-
[makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his
brains out]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let
me in the apartment.
Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?
Ross: I'm not a pervert!
Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have
you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your
pants and say that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler is caught smoking]
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good,
for three years!
Chandler: And this- is my reward!
Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about
what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait
for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about
her marrying him? He's not you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I am telling this to Rachel!
Monica: No, Joey!
Joey: Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna
have to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey: Oh ho ho! You almost had me there!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this.
Please have this bachelor party.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman
get naked!
Chandler: ... All right.
Joey: YEAH!
Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And
Joey.
Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating
enough.
Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would
blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey: [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make
it tonight...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock
collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating!
So, we still on for tonight?
Ross: Sure.
Mona: Ok. Bye.
Ross: Bye.
Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You two were having sex!
Monica: No, we weren't!
Joey: Yeah, you were! I can see it by the back of
Chandler's hair!
[to Chandler]
Joey: You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Flashback scene, 3 years before the pilot]
Phoebe: [looks through window] Cute Naked Guy is really
starting to put on weight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my
room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed
by "No thanks, it's late".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on
the 3. It looked like an 8! All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed
by a drug dealer.
Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec?
Your tailor is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on! He said he was going to do
my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And
then, there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one
side, they move it over, then they go up the other
side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
[Chandler and Ross stare at him]
Joey: What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't
that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with
for a real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is
not a real reason.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though,
you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright?
I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because
of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.
Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote
it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I
interest you in a sarcastic comment?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him
her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things
less awkward]
Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you.
I was just trying to make things...
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't
know about you but I haven't thought about our thing
since all this.
Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like
us again a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that.
Joey: Me too. I mean I...haven't thought at all about
how I put myself out there and said all that stuff
and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and
how it was really awkward.
[long, awkward pause]
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be
mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin
so much of his time.
Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around
with.
Richard: Well...
Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin'
about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
[Chandler kicks, out of sight]
Joey: I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know?
But Richard is just- ow, ow.
[to Chandler]
Joey: What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin'
to talk here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case
I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs
you know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days
of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse
me, I have a life you know.
Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap
Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind.
And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento...
a role model.
Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[To Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore]
Joey: I'm not Drake.
Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore,
Drake's evil twin.
Erica: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because...because
he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with
me, and he didn't.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard.
[Chandler throws water in his face]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.
Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: So you wanna?
Chandler: OK.
[Pauses]
Chandler: I can't.
Monica: [Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give
it a minute.
Chandler: I can't because of Emma.
Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation
of his class]
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams
and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches,
and boom! You got your admirer!
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's
Rain Man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black
woman! And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the
wrong audition!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly?
Ross: Middle balcony.
Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty
yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his
family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install
all this stuff?
Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself.
Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do
this?
Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after having sex with Rachel's boss]
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!
Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it
really, really well!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How
You Doing"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer
Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant.
Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something
expensive because they can't afford it.]
Rachel: I will have the uh,
[whispers]
Rachel: side salad.
Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side
of?
Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right
here next to my water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a not to myself,
and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it
up...
[notices Monica's angry glare]
Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to
write something down]
Joey: Hey, do you need any help?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with
my mis-shapened claw?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's
FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a t.v.
Joey: You don't own a t.v.? What's all your furniture
pointed at?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old
girl!
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In a Scottish Accent, on the phone]
Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty
from the fake accent University. We'd like you to
come on board with us full time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to
fail.
Ross: No! Why would I why! No! Why!
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling
will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures....
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a
bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the
wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping
all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful
Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized
I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker']
Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind
you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day...
until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you
leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel
room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes,
we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we
would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait...
I forgot to dial!
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five
minutes after he's divorced.
Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before
they get married...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking to Monica]
Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you
when you start chattering like a monkey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Attaboy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information
about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tag: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone
number...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Do you ever think about the future?
Richard: Yeah, I think about the future.
Monica: Am I in it?
Richard: You are my future.
Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners,
and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's]
Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't
have to get up.
Joey: What if we have to pee?
[Pause]
Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a
girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14!
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny
brownies"?
Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they
had pot in them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new
girlfriend]
Richard: I see your hair grew long.
Monica: Yeah, like you always wanted to. I see you
grew your mustache back.
Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely.
Chandler: [to Richard's date] It's a good thing you
don't have a mustache!
[laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand]
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm
uncomfortable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]
Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't
exist. And your father would look like Sting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of
sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep
with someone you have to kill a fish.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to
leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard: [about Chandler & Joey] They're different
from my other friends, they don't start sentences
with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the
juice and want the juice and I need the juice!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't
let me blow?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]
Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going.
Jack Geller: Bye.
[both leave]
Monica: Hey! How come they get to leave?
Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man! He fought for our
country!
Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker
to get out of Korea!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[hitting on a lesbian at Carol and Susan's wedding]
Chandler: You know what, penis, shmenis we're all
people!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag]
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
[Chandler looks at the bag]
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present
for Kathy]
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what
did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going
out.
Chandler: For three years?