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Friday, March 16, 2012

An Open Letter to the Man Who Smelled of Urine

Dear Man Who Smelled Like Urine,

What happened? It took me a while to pin point where that smell was coming from but my nose finally determined it was table 23. You, sir. Why do you smell like a bad urinal cake? I don't understand. I mean we all have days where maybe we forget to put on our deodorant or maybe we are experimenting with one of those stupid crystals that don't work. And then you get into the subway car and it was one with no A/C which you should have known because it was the only car that had plenty of seats in it while the car in front of it and behind it were totally full. But nonetheless, you got on it and then the train had signal problems and you were stuck in that car for twenty minutes and you got all sweaty, but why did you smell like pee? I sometimes sweat vodka but never pee.

Are you a crazy cat person who lives with 29 felines who pee all over everything and you are so used to the smell that you don't notice it when it seeps into your clothing?

Does your long white beard have a stowaway possum in there that is eating sleeping and peeing all over your face?

Do you like a cologne that has a distinct ammonia smell in the same way that I like one that has clean smell of citrus or spice?

Did you go to a Golden Shower party right before being seated in my section?

Were you listening to the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton classic "Islands in the Stream" and you took it too literally?

It was nice to see that you were with four friends, but do all of them have some kind of weird olfactory sense disability that makes them unable to detect what they are sitting next to? If I went to dinner with a friend and he smelled like he had just taken a nap in a litter box, I would have no problem saying, "Bitch you smell like urine sample, what the fuck is wrong with you? Get your ass home and take a fucking bath, you stinky ass bitch."

One of the other servers asked me what the smell was. She thought it was booth four, but I made sure she knew it was you, sir. Why should the weird lady at booth four take the blame for your odor? Just because she was drunk as a skunk doesn't mean that she smelled like one. I gave you full credit for that scent. The server walked by your table and returned to me saying, "You're right. What the hell is that? A wet diaper?" Maybe it was, we shall never know.

So, in the future, if you choose to visit my station again, I would ask that you take a little time to, I dunno, bathe? Change your clothes? Whatever it takes. Nobody wants to smell your pee. Oh and by the way, that ginger ale you drank was not yours. That belonged to the lady next to you. When she flagged me down to tell me that I never brought her the ginger ale she ordered , I noticed it sitting in front of you and it was half empty. Was the odor wafting from down below so strong that it impaired your ability to determine the differencebetween a ginger ale and a gin and tonic? That's an issue. Take a fucking bath, sir. You smell bad.

Love,The Bitchy Waiter

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I will now pretty much be permanently HAUNTED by the thought that every diner that I see in a restaurant may have potentially arrived there following a golden-shower party. It had never crossed my mind until now, and I am assured that it will never leave.

Yes, it does, and so does your grammar. This pee must have been days old to have been so noticeable. There was a college in college that stank all the time. The guys assured us that he did bath. I think he did not know about changing his underwear.

In college I worked at Friendly's. EVERY week this guy would come in smelling like pee AND poo. We use to fight over who had to wait on him. When he got up from the vinyl seats the flies would hang out on the seat until someone cleaned it. I felt like as a server we had no rights. My manager would never kick him out. People can be refused service for no shoes but not for smelling like pee? Unfair.