Rhonda Vincent Admitted to Hospital After Living on Biscuits for Past 14 Years

April 29, 2014 by C.M. Wilcox

Bluegrass phenom Rhonda Vincent, a seven-time IBMA Female Vocalist of the Year, was admitted to a hospital with scurvy today after apparently subsisting solely on biscuits since 2000. When she signed a sponsorship deal with the Martha White flour company at the turn of the millennium, Vincent reportedly did not understand that the company intended to pay her only in free product for the duration of her professional life.

But the singer’s Midwestern ethos of letting nothing go to waste kicked in, and the rest is history.

“While Martha White is, without a doubt, the one I trust to make it turn out right – and, for delicious homemade taste, the easy way to bake – I do sometimes wish they’d come up with a more standard compensation package,” said Vincent from a Nashville area hospital, where she was resting comfortably and receiving an intravenous supply of important nutrients not found in biscuits.

“Look, I really like Martha White self-rising flour, the one all-purpose flour, Martha White self-rising flour. For the finest biscuits, cakes, and pies, it’s ideal. So it’s not like I’m meaning to complain. It could be worse. Thank goodness this isn’t a yeast infec…” she cut off abruptly, a coughing fit overtaking her and filling the room with clouds of enriched, pre-sifted white dust.

Vincent, who is expected to make a full recovery, will be back on the road in the Martha White Bluegrass Express soon. She looks forward to seeing all her fans, but especially any who might also happen to be meat producers willing to accept large pallets of flour in a bartering arrangement.