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Yale College Professor Sentenced to Five Years of "Recorrection" in Northern Alaska Happiness Safe Space

Judge Luther. Copyright Lauterborn

After days of hearing tense testimony, people's judge Jerelyn Luther, presiding at New Haven's people court of first instance along with two people's assessors, has decreed that former Yale professor, Nicholas A. Christakis (53,) be incarcerated for a term of five years at the Northern Alaska Happiness Safe Space, in a trial that stoked national and international attention.

Mr. Christakis was just this past Halloween embroiled in an assault of the people's home, an attack which the court believed he carried out using cybernetic means.

Judge Luther and her two assessors heard testimony from dozens of victims, some currently suffering from a laundry list of ailments longer than the lines outside the Apple-capitalist-conglomerate during a new gadget launch.

The Yale People's Daily reported that these ailments range from "insomnia" to "inability to concentrate" on their assigned Howard Zinn readings.

One of Mr. Christakis' victims told the court, her face clearly distressed for the people: "It was your job to create a place of comfort and home for the students. You have not done that. By executing that cybernetic attack -- sending hate propaganda -- that went against your position serving the people. Do you understand that!?"

Mr. Christakis had already entered a guilty plea in exchange for lenient sentencing, and as part of his plea he agreed to listen to the pain he had caused each individual, and to offer an apology.

A young female, tears in her eyes, told Mr. Christakis: "You picked sides against the people, arguing for the wearing of capitalist outfits. You violated our home here. Do you understand that?"

Mr. Christakis, wearing a gender-neutral, color-neutral custody uniform and visibly shaken, replied: "I am guilty of wrongdoing, wrong-thinking, and wrong-association. I have failed my role as home protector. I should be sent to an isolated safe space, where I can reflect on the hurt I caused the people. I thank the people's assessors and the people's judge for their leniency and for believing in my ability to learn from this mistake and become a better citizen."