Evening Focus – Silly Sunday: The Omachurian Candidate

If you think today’s politics are crazy, just wait until Prism Syndicate mercenaries launch the Mineral Water Wars…. (More)

Oh sure, right now you enjoy your bottled water. Or if you’re environmentally sensitive, you fill a glass or mug with water from your purified tap. Then you drink – gluck gluck gluck gluck gluck urrrp – and you go back to whatever you were doing. You probably don’t even notice Them. No, don’t look now. They know you’re reading this, so They expect you to look for Them. Wait a few minutes and then look. And if you don’t see Them, you’ll know Their cloaking device works.

BELLEVUE, NE – Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the charred remnants of what was once the state of Nebraska, was welcomed into the world at Omaha’s Methodist Hospital, sources reported.

Born to Jack and Monica Crowley of Bellevue, NE, the child is reported to be healthy and happy and unaware that he’ll one day violently subdue dozens of warring, radiation-scarred factions under a brutal regime of torture and forced fealty the likes of which the Gamma Quadrant wasteland has never seen.

According to Mr. Crowley, both mother and future mass-murdering tyrant are now resting at home and “doing great.”

“I can’t believe he’s finally here, my beautiful baby boy,” said the boy’s elated mother who, in 12 years’ time, will be ruthlessly gunned down before her son’s eyes by Prism Syndicate mech-infantry fighting in the gruesome Mineral Wars that will leave the former United States utterly demolished. “I’m so happy.”

In the recent forced conversion from trusty (and free) rabbit ears to pay cable and digital programming, an entire world of extremely specific and possibly litigious television channels have become available for my viewing pleasure. I have discovered television channels about television channels. There are entire networks dedicated to the extremely important issues of undiagnosed medical conditions caused by the ingestion of phlegm and the heartbreak of head lice among baby warthogs. There are endless streams of commercials about drugs and their disabling side effects, and not one part of the human anatomy is left private or sacred.

I became trapped in a never-ending vortex of food-you-wouldn’t-even-try-to-cook-but-like-to-watch-other-people-cook and the benefits of colon cleansing being broadcast on the same channel, back to back, hour after hour. I have it on good authority that it’s in violation of the Geneva Convention to carry out such torture, and of course, the matter is being looked into as we speak.

Exit polls taken last night bear out that theory, with a majority of voters agreeing with the statement, “I think Mitt Romney is so odious, I would rather vote for a random doofus I’ve never heard of who goes around in sweater vests.”

The beneficiary of that sentiment last night was former Sen. Rick Santorum, who told supporters at a victory rally in Missouri, “I support the rights of the unborn child until it’s born and wants a gay marriage.”

Speaking to supporters in Denver, Mr. Romney uttered what some political experts are calling a possible gaffe: “I don’t care about all the people who didn’t vote for me. They just envy my massive wealth. And poor people? They can curl up and die, and I won’t lose a wink of sleep. I bet you a million crisp dollars from my vault in Geneva.”

I bet a mouse click you’ll want to read more….

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Maybe you remember when not all Republicans were like this. So do They.

WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate Republicans.

According to members of the Initiative to Protect the Political Middle (IPPM), centrist Republicans, who once freely roamed the nation calling for both economic deregulation and a return to Reagan-era tax rates on the wealthy, are in dire need of protection, having lost large portions of their natural terrain to the highly territorial Evangelical and Tea Party breeds.

“Our new program is designed to isolate the few remaining specimens of moderate Republicans, mate them in captivity, and then safely release these rare and precious creatures back into the electorate,” said IPPM’s Cynthia Rollins, who traces the decline of the species to changes in the political climate and rampant, predatory fanaticism. “Within our safe, enclosed habitats, these middle-of-the-road Republican Party members can freely support increased funding for public education and even gay rights without being threatened by the far-right subgenus.”

Ask one of Them to click the link for more …

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I need another bottle of mineral water. Now where did I leave that black helicopter?

Mmmhhh … good water. Not enough minerals though. Maybe I need a new helicopter?

addisnana

I was going to suggest that maybe some of the million year old Russian water would be nice but it turns out it was a hoax. No ancient water until December of this year. Do you think drinking old water would make me an old soul?

addisnana

Too clever! I’d go make a tinfoil hat but tinfoil is expensive. Maybe I’ll just cut a thin strip and braid it into my hair. The reception might not be quite as good, but I could step outside for important transmissions.

Jim W

Don’t drink the water.

Bottles of Chiltern Hills Mineral Water and Ashridge Spring Water were recalled because of fears they contain faeces. The recall applies to all bottles, regardless of age. It covers still and sparkling water in all bottle sizes, whether in plastic or glass.

Chiltern Hills Mineral Water Ltd, which produces both of the brands, stressed that the recall was only a precaution. However, experts at the Food Standards Agency warned consumers not to drink the water.

‘The most likely ill-effect, should one occur, from consuming the product would be a stomach upset,’ said a spokesman. ‘The situation, as I understand it, is that tests are still on-going as to what is actually in the water.’

Scientists were working to discover if the water was contaminated with organisms capable of causing more serious disease.