Will This Bitch Ever Stop Wearing His Clothes?!!!!?!?!?!?!!?!

September 7, 2012

Happy Friday to everyone!

And when I say “everyone”, I mean everyone that isn’t WordPress. I hope WordPress dies in a pit of cancerous fire. Seriously, you should be even more angry than I. I detailed a night out with my hypothetical vagina and our date to go see the new Emma Watson movie. That’s comedy gold and you didn’t get to see it. I’m furious still about it.

But I digress…

So, I’m sure everyone has seen the photos of Kristen Stewart out and about in Rob Pattinson’s backpack and Baltimore Orioles hat a few weeks ago. I mean the bitch be crazy that she’s wearing a baseball hat and using a backpack that once belonged to her boyfriend even if that boyfriend is an accent having, vampire boy who smells of cheap cigarettes. It’s not like a backpack can still be used after a break-up. That’s fucking absurd! How much of a psycho bitch would you have to be to use a BACKPACK that was once purchased during a relationship after the relationship has ended?! That’s fucking the CRAZIEST THING EVER. I mean I know all my backpacks are 100% emotionally attached to all my relationships. I mean they are literal emotional baggage and I would be a fucking NUT JOB to use a backpack I may have owned or bought years ago when I was possibly fornicating with a different female that I’m currently in a bf/gf dealy with. I mean if for whatever reason we broke up right now, there’s just no fucking way EVER that I could EVER NEVER EVER use a backpack that I’m using now and use it in that future world where I’m single again. You know? I mean that’s fucking psychology, paging Dr. Freud 101. Seriously…

As for the Orioles cap, well, I mean you can’t change your loyalties on a team midseason, so I’ll give Kristen a pass on that. But once this season ends, THAT FUCKING HAT IS GONE-ZO! AM I RIGHT?! I mean you can’t wear a fucking baseball cap after you and your boyfriend break up?! THAT’S JUST FUCKING INSANE! Everyone knows how fucking crazy that is. EVERYONE. Right? I’m not freaking out over this for no fucking reason, right? It’s a big fucking deal, right? Kristen Stewart simply cannot use a backpack or wear a baseball hat that happened to be purchased or worn by an ex-boyfriend. I mean that’s the fucking most insane thing ever. Seriously, soon as you break up with someone – you go right out to the nearest Sports Authority or Dick’s Sporting Goods or Modell’s and buy yourself a new Jansport and a new baseball hat because that’s just the natural casualty of all relationships.

BUT… it’s not over!

KRISTEN STEWART WAS WEARING ROB’S CLOTHES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

I hope you’re sitting down for this…

WTF?!!!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

WTF, KRISTEN?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Is she fucking crazy?! Who the fuck wears her ex-man’s Zuhair Murad sheer, knee-length, floral dress?! WHAT THE FUCK, YOU CRAZY STALKER?! LET IT GO! I mean fucking let Rob go already! Can’t he have his shit back? Why are you still strutting around in that tired Beirut designer’s dress that he clearly made for Rob Pattinson like umpteen years ago? It’s his dress and not yours! I mean the backpack and the Orioles cap is fucking crazy enough, but to go all the way to TIFF and to TIFF-it-up at TIFF and TIFF-ing in front of the TIFF cameras on the TIFF red carpet and you’re all TIFF in Rob’s TIFF-ing dress?! GET A TIFF-ing LIFE, KRISTEN?!

Jeez… I’m sorry.

I got a little carried away there. I mean it’s really that I’m just still in so much pain over this whole break up and to see Kristen Stewart clearly not getting over the situation in the slightest because she’s still out there strutting around at TIFF in Rob’s Murad’s fancy dress, it’s just sad to see. It’s hard for me to understand what will be able to help because at this point, it’s just a helpless situation.

Of course, you’re wondering right now… did Kristen Stewart want it?

Of-fucking-course, she fucking wanted it.

Because… Kristen Stewart wants IT.

It’s in her fucking nature. That’s like ask me, does a duck billed platypus have venomous ankle spurs? And, to that all I can say is, are we talking about a male or a female duck billed platypus? And then they’re like, uhhhhhhh… and then I’m like, well a male is venomous and produces the venom in his crural glands, but a female doesn’t produce venom, but she does have the ankle spurs. So, vis-a-vis, ie, eg, whatever the fuck…

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Forever and ever.

Side note…

Kirsten Dunst has got some boobs.

I think we all knew that, but they looked incredibly pillow like at TIFF. I’d like to TIFF those bad Larry’s if you know what I mean. Right?! HUH?!

You are much stranger than Kristen. Why do you care? She wouldn’t be wearing all these tokens of his if they were truly broken up. What was reported is not the full story. He wants to give her a second chance. If she knew there was no hope then she would get new hats, backpacks, shirts, and rings. They clearly ain’t over.