Monday, August 11, 2014

Social Media Etiquettes for Dummies

We are living in an age when we lead dual lives – on and off the Internet, where our carefully projected online presence is way wittier, prettier, happier and has hundreds of good friends we’d rather not meet. It’s hardly surprising considering our single-minded devotion to social media which lets us Photoshop our lives to picture perfection. We’d rather spend hours scrolling up and down assimilating information that we never need, than look up the ceiling and count the cobwebs or get up from the chair to investigate where that burning smell is coming from. And why not! As opposed to our dull and dreary lives, inhabitants of Instagram and Facebook lead a Utopian existence where everyone is always either partying, vacationing, having exotic meals or sitting around tables laden with food and drinks while smiling charmingly at the camera. On the other hand, Twitter is a land of the idealist where everyone has a perfectly clear idea about how governments should be run, policies should be made and how others should lead their lives.

And now that your Mom and her Grandma are flocking to Facebook, sharing vacation pics and calling each other sweetie, it does make sense that we come up with a list of do’s and don’ts on how to conduct yourself on Social Media.

The first cardinal rule that every social media enthusiast must abide by is the belief that you and only you are the centre of the universe. The sole purpose of your friends and followers existence is to be aware of every minute detail of your life and applaud you and your achievements at every given opportunity. If you love me, you have to love my dog, baby, poetry and motivational quotes. Use every given opportunity to flaunt your Googled knowledge, workout regime and don’t forget to post photographs of you reading a book, cycling, trekking and gently wiping the sweat off your face and wait for the avalanche of compliments. If some of your friends and relatives are too busy to take note of your busy life, make sure you tag them. Only a moron has better things to do with his life than take note of your latest achievements!

The more you praise and click like, the more you’ll be praised and liked in return. Also, only those who call you beautiful and gorgeous deserve your admiration in return.

Remember, your life’s aim is to make others envious of your happiness and successes. And if you don’t have much to brag about, fabricate it, for God’s sake!

Don’t be afraid to show your emotional side to the online world and make sure you add as many emoticons and !!!!!! to your ‘feeling angry, hurt and sad :-(’ status updates. Don’t bother with details and deny your friends the opportunity of asking – what happened, kya hua, you okay????? Wait for at least ten minutes and let them stew in their concern before saying ‘nothing’ and keep the mystery intact. Keep conducting these experiments to find out how many are gullible enough to fall for your theatrics. Also keep your heart angst free by posting slys for your bitchy friends, jealous colleagues and tyrannical Boss and make sure they never read them.

To maintain a perfect balance between your loving and hating side, make sure to tell your Mom how much she means to you, how proud you are of your daughter and how much you love your gorgeous wife, but only on Facebook. Of what use is your loving and caring if you cannot broadcast it to the world and its aunt!

Don’t you dare attempt it in real life, lest you get shouted at for never having enough time and ignoring them all year!

Social media, especially Twitter gives everyone the equality opportunity talk without having to listen to what others have to say, unlike real life where the middle of your sentence is forever interrupting the beginning of your friends. Be the fearless activist, the crusader for women’s rights, cry for the injured in Gaza, call for a fast until lunch against atrocities of Boko Haram without caring to know who your next door neighbours are and put on your headphones when the woman upstairs cries for help.

Say what pleases others in public but say and do what pleases you, only in private. The moment you smell a controversy, be the first to opine without bothering to check with facts. It’s your outrage – make it large. Feel proud to be part of the herd that makes it cool to hate women, liberals, Politicians, Facebook, Reddit, or even Twitter. After all, we live in a world that feels safer to hate than love. Be at your obnoxious best while cracking jokes about Ayesha’s Takiyas, Sonam Kapoor’s lemons, women’s driving, and their lack of brains and wonder aloud why you are still alone.

Your sense of humour is of no use if you don’t manage to offend others and make at least a few of your friends never want to speak to you again.

The best part about Social media networks is, you can be the annoying twerp who’s constantly promoting me and myself, lead a blinkered existence that sees itself as the kind hearted soul that everybody adores, share every nugget of your uneventful life, bitch about others and then proceed to give sagely advice on moral correctness. But that shouldn’t stop you from making fun and write articles dripping with sarcasm when you see others doing the same.

After all, it’s a world of your making where you get to choose your dramas, play the hero, brand people you don’t like as villains and proceed to prosecute them and feel good about yourself.

The fact about Facebook being Utopia land and Twitter being the land of an idealist is brilliant. Amazing how you weave words around reality. We do lead two lives and it's impossible to explain it all to the husband or the son. I spend more time on FB than my son does.

Bang on, Purba! Expect everyone who does the most of what you do to comment here because everything applies to the other only :). I have seen people transform magically on FB, seriously. One minute they are praising you and the other they are bitching behind your back. Sad part is news carries and how. Also is dismaying to see perfectly wise, decent people go berserk, crack corny jokes, make out publicly with an overload of emoticons, wage wars on causes and ads and in general behave like a nuisance. Oh, of course, we are not supposed to judge, right? I have noticed all my 'friends' disappear from FB. They can't handle what you have described above. And that makes me wonder if 'bloggers' specifically are afflicted more because I don't find anyone else being this boisterous or vociferous. I have cut out my FB a lot. There are only few I engage with now and it is better to keep one's opinion to oneself. I have unfollowed many. And my reality checks are my husband and son who are on FB. If I take a wrong step or go overboard, I can expect them to give me an earful. Twitter is not a problem for me. I only log in once in a while and only to read witty or funny stuff. A post that makes so much sense, Purba. If only, we'd have the guts to just leave these behind :/.

Oh this is Brilliant Purba ! I loved your opening lines - [We are living in an age when we lead dual lives – on and off the Internet, where our carefully projected online presence is way wittier, prettier, happier and has hundreds of good friends we’d rather not meet]It is amazing how the virtual world has changed our perceptions and the way we interact with others. And frankly I don always it :-P

The strange part is most people will believe that their online presence is who they actually are in real life. I, for example, am absolutely sure that I'm this charmingly witty guy who uses sarcasm to make his hatred for politicians, pseudo-religious nut-cases and the activists.

Wait a second... that's exactly who I am! What to do ? Sarcasm looms large in my legend.

What a fantastic and accurate post! Social media has become a platform for total fake-ry. It's the showoffing I just can't stand. It makes a person feel like their own life sucks as compared to everyone else who seems to have it all --- partying, expensive stuff, perfect relationships, money, vacations, etc.

OMG ! so much food for thought here. I am guilty of few charges too though am not a despo EVERY damn time :) I do flaunt some achievements and do share nuggets of wisdom but this brilliantly written post made me think A LOT ! I know we are aware of every one's FB life and we never really desire to face them. What can I say Purba ? amazing post this one is and just today I wrote a post for mom dad and flaunted my Lourve ;)

Bang on target as always! Now you know why I always maintain a low profile on social media :) loved this bit ti bits "Facebook leads a Utopian existence while Twitter is the land of reality" it couldnt have been put any better than this

*Goes to his workshop, Carves out a "Guilty as Charged" inscription on a wooden board and hangs it around his neck. While laughing of course :) *

Spot on Purba! Sadly, there used to be a point where my FB life spilled across to my real one, and it took a lot of cleaning up to draw that line again. But hey, once bitten twice shy ! (Okay, I'll add a couple of exclamation marks just to show that I mean it!!!!!!)

Haven't you just posted the absolute truth about social media and I'm sure we all are guilty of it somewhere or the other... I know I am....! Sometimes we are so mean in the guise of being 'intellectual' ...I guess somewhere we all crave the Utopian existence...

GULPS!!!!!I need to slow a bit down on social media...sigh!! The world doesnt revolve around me :(We truly do lead a dual life. And so many fearless crusaders on social media..Sitting on their revolving chair and talking about the issues in the world.

best of sarcasm.. as m also turning out to be a social networking addict sometimes I wonder who is the real me.. The one who is always sensitive, sweet in the virtual world or the one who is a mix of all emotions in the real world.. this article will make everyone to think..

There can be so many sarcastic posts on social media but the truth is that we, bloggers, are addicted to it and guilty of doing every single thing you mentioned! I am now waiting for something even worse to come because I am sure that somewhere a Zuckerberg is up to something and ready to laugh at us!

You are absolutely right.Hence,one must be careful in accepting friends requests on FB..I for one am very particulr.I just post a harmless quote often.As for Twitter,I find it becoming popular and addictive for a simple reason that the Main Stream Media is losing its credibilty

This is a gem Purba, I will not be surprised that if in future there will be another discipline in Noble prize 'one_who_successfully_ignores_or_leaves_socialmedia' :-D or other side of spectrum, rehabilitation centers for social media addicts.I too don't know how to ignore FB completely. I am trying to read and read and even read very very tough Kannada novels by keeping a dictionary next to me, but the more I am trying to get away from it, I am more being pulled back. I dont know how children these days can develop concentration with all these. We adults are struggling to.

I feel Facebook is a good way to keep in touch with friends and family scattered over the globe. I may spend more time on Twitter but its on FB I get the warmth and love. Yes, we all have our moments of disgust and annoyance. But that's true for anything we encounter in real life.

I hate being tagged by some of my FB friends. What's the use of tagging when your friend's post is any how visible to you! Also, once in a while look for post asking you to comment or 'Like' or else face deletion from the FB friendship (sob...sob)!

Its a true post and a much needed one. I am Glad Purba you have not included blogging ... as its is the only place I am to be found on this www. Its not that I don't want the universe to roll around me , just that most of the days I am too shabby to upload a pic, too lazy to photoshop it, fabrication is better done for imaginative challenges and reality is- I am some how content (if not bubbling happy) with makind Daal,sabzi and cahapti(sometimes kheer,poori,halwa ) in between books,blogging,reading my friends blogposts and commenting ...don't know if its normal but certainly, its peaceful :)

Very nice article Purba. I would not call myself a social media dummy but your article truly talks of the decipline of using social media. Shouldnt the title be ' Social Media Etiquette for Dummies' just an honest friendly feedback.

ah ha so true , the more you click likes , the more you shall get tooo :) how true and it works the same in blogging too :) :)

I must say thankfully I am away from both FB and Twitter , not had a account on fb for more than 2 years now and it is blissss i tell you .. I still think it is a waste of time :)

i loved the sarcasm :) or was it .. did you really mean it he he he h ehe

actually now that i have read this article i seriously think i need to get an account and do all that to make sure everyone comes to the best blog in the world, MINE, and also says hello to the best person in the world ME..

and helllooooooo now that i send you a friend request make sure you accept it please and dont just ignore it .. theek hai ok :) Bikram's

Can't agree more Purba..we all are in this vicious circle of FB,Twitter bla bla bla.... sometime or other we behave exactly in the ways you've stated..it's a mirror and I can see myself lurking around the corner with others... :-D :-P

That's what we are. Online persona is more interesting and hence more eye catching. I always enjoy the little details that you pick up on the issues and wrap them in soft clothes and bang them on the head :P I just created a Twitter account and I am already having second thoughts.

The fact that people plan vacations not for themselves but for Facebook - it is a real painful truth. We have stopped living for ourselves and our family ! Now its like we are actors on a Facebook stage and there is no back stage activity at all.!

Right on dot ! Btw, I realized recently that FB addiction & taking a selfie was indeed a primal urge after looking at the smiling photos of the monkey's selfies :)Check the photo of the monkey with the phone... http://news.distractify.com/culture/wildlife-photos-of-the-year/?v=1

Old Granny's advice tossed out of the window " everything in moderation is good..." That ' moderation' got lost in the webosphere. I sometimes wonder at all those status trumpets on FB making a show of all things trivial

Hundreds of photos are clicked at any occasion/vacation, only to select a few for facebook and the 'likes'. Gone are the days when people clicked photos for memories. Its all too fake. I have deactivated from facebook for over 2 years now and really I don't miss it at all.

OMG! I though I had commented on this post. Why didn't I comment on this post? I am pretty sure I had. My memory is quite foggy. Meh! Social Media, both the boon and bane of our existence. Liked the post...nay loved it. Maybe....one can never be sure about anything. Anyway....maybe this comment will ensure that you ask me about my mental health...but reality is I am just fishing for attention. Anyway, my purpose would have been solved. Pretty sure some will call it a form of madness...an obsession. But then, that is what I see daily on social media. Did the caveman force people to comment on his cave painting? - "Og...make...beautiful painting...like you" Og's friends / admirers - "Og genius...Og get all girls....we die virgins" We are all fishing for attention and for approval. Earlier it used to be people showing you albums of their children and their wedding. Social media has made this more open.Is this comment making any sense?

Love the way you defined Facebook and Twitter. It's so true how we have become mavericks and narcissists in social media with relationship gone wrong, crazy boss and what's not. I couldn't have read the post at a better time coz I de-activated my FB for some time. Enjoying the ME and not coming back so soon. Though, Twitter is there.Btw, have u seen the Alia video laughing at herself? Blame it on Tweeple lolz!

Woah! You nailed it. The feeling sad thing has recently happened twice in my newsfeed with curious questions like 'What happened?' followed by 'nothing'! Damn it was irritating like hell to just read that whole thing. Next step was to hide that person.I had a great time reading your write up. You are awesome!