More Women In Their 30s Are Single Than Ever Before — And They *Like* It

All the single ladies are just fine with their relationship status, thankyouverymuch.

By
Macaela Mackenzie

Sep 7, 2016

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There are almost 57 million single women currently living in America, so unless there's a clandestine army of lonely cat ladies somewhere out there, it's safe to say these single women are a far cry from the sad spinster stereotype they're still (still) trying to shake. Let's all say it together now: Women can be single and happy.

But that might not be something that can be said about so many single men. Compared to the three-quarters of women who said they would rather be alone, successful, and happy than settle for a sub-par relationship, only 58 percent of men had the same positive outlook on being single, according to a 2016 survey conducted by legal services company Avvo. Talk about a swap in stereotypes.

The Marriage Limitation

So why are single women happier now? Well, this is the first moment in history where Americans have really started to break with that whole 'single women equal lonely spinsters while single men equal adventurous bachelors' narrative, which is huge. According to Dana Weiser, Ph.D., an assistant professor of Human Development and Family Studies at Texas Tech University, it's part of a major cultural shift that's been brewing over the past several decades.

Historically, women needed marriage if they wanted to have sex or have children the culturally acceptable way. But for the first time, relationships have started to come with a longer list of limitations than advantages for women. "There's still a lot of burden that's placed on women when they're in romantic relationships, especially if sharing a household. Obviously relationships can be great, but we still see quite a bit of gender division when it comes to household duties and childcare responsibilities," says Weiser.

The shockingly small number of women who make it all the way up the corporate ladder evidences that burden. In 2015, 45 percent of entry-level jobs were held by women, according to the latest data from LeanIn.org and McKinsey's Women In The Workplace study. But the number of women in the workplace starts to drop off as responsibilities outside the office heat up — at the C-suite level, only 17 percent of positions are held by women. "For women who are successful, there really is no reason to enter into a less than fulfilling relationship — frankly, it's a lot of work," says Weiser.

But for the first time, relationships have started to come with a longer list of limitations than advantages for women.

There's also been a massive shift in power dynamics since World War II, when many women started getting out of the house and into the office for the first time. As women break through more barriers and achieve more status (thanks, Hillary!), they have a lot more agency when it comes to picking partners. "A lot of women recognize that picking a partner that's not supportive of your career or interests is a detriment," she says. "The partner makes all the difference." It's becoming more and more the norm for women to choose relationships because they add something to their lives, not because they provide an institutional benefit.

What This Means for the 'Modern Spinster"

Women are also more likely than men to be happy about their single status simply because of how women are wired, says Rebecca Hendrix, a couple's therapist in New York. According to Hendrix, women are inherently connecters — meaning women have massive social networks full of intimate and fulfilling friendships that satisfy their emotional needs.

Men on the other hand? Not so much. While the benefits of a relationship have drastically changed for women, men's reliance on a significant other for intimacy and emotional support hasn't really evolved. Cue the willingness among men to settle.

Women's willingness to stay single is not to say they aren't dating or looking for relationships — they're just going about it with different priorities. Dating has evolved from the end-all, be-all pursuit of your forever person to more of a nice-to-have addition to your life, says Kate Bolick, author of Spinster: Making A Life of One's Own.

"Until my mid-30s, I gauged every romantic relationship by the metric of 'Am I going to marry this guy?' which led to some really contorted thinking and staying in relationships much longer than I should have," Bolick says of her own early adulthood. "I wasn't even eager to get married—I just believed that I should want to."

That kind of willingness to stay in sub-par relationships is dying hard and fast. "I've definitely seen more women come into couple's therapy being okay with the fact that the relationship might not work out," says Hendrix. "Previously, you would see more women that might say: 'It has to work out, he can't leave. I can figure out how to be happy.' Whereas now women are able to envision life without their partner."

We've officially flipped the script. If the current trend is any indication, it might not be long before it's the guys taking heat for being thirty, single, and having a wedding-themed Pinterest board.

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