What is Emotional Intelligence?

I’m so fortunate to have good blogger friends that were able to write my blog posts for me this week, so my blogs wouldn’t be empty for the second week in a row.

Writing a blog post takes more than just putting words together, it takes your soul to be in it, and I’ve yet to be able to do this right now.

So, when my good friend, Dana Gore, accepted my request to write a blog post for me today, I was really glad. Without further ado, I leave it to Dana to tell you about Emotional Intelligence.

Now before I go on and explain what this is – let me assure you that just because I may have developed an understanding of what emotional Intelligence (and lack thereof) is doesn’t mean that I’ve mastered it.

Quite the contrary – in all honesty.

This is a work in progress…as am I – and such is life.

There is no arrival date when it comes to the idea of ‘reaching enlightenment’…but there is a HUGE difference between being aware of the journey in and of itself – or bumbletrippin’ through life without a clue as to how to best get to know thyself.

And in regard to getting to know ourselves…this is where our emotions come in to play.

What Are Our Emotions Designed To Do?

In a nutshell, our emotions are our very own internal guidance system.

They are meant to let us know how we feel about ourselves, our circumstances, the world and life in general.

They are meant to tell us how we feel in response to everything we experience.

Figure that anything that surfaces in your life and causes some sort of ‘welling up’ of emotion in you has something of value to be identified. It’s an opportunity to allow the Truth of you and of life into your immediate awareness.

The pickle that humanity seems to get itself into though is the fact that over time – the notion that we’re supposed to run from pain and instead ‘cope with’ or numb our emotions has become rather popular.

And I’m just gonna come right out and say in public that as a result of the aforementioned statement – most of us don’t know who we are because we are only associated with the programming that makes up the story of us.

So with this being the overall level of consciousness that the majority of the human race operates on – we create our lives by default by not listening to our feelings and instead, intellectualizing ourselves right on out of them.

The good news though is that there is a solution.

That solution is developing emotional Intelligence.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence (notice that the “I” in Intelligence is capitalized because this level of Intelligence stems from a place of higher awareness) is the act of allowing our emotions to do as they were designed to do (again – which is to act as our internal guidance system) and use the information as a means to get to know about ourselves.

I had written about this in a couple of other posts – one for Adrienne Smith titled “The Courage to Be You” and in one of my own posts written when I was in a terrible funk.

See – when we feel emotional pain, it’s in our nature to run from it.

Society hasn’t exactly done us any favors either by the constant promoting of mind numbing pharmaceuticals in an effort to mask the symptoms of our distress either.

When we use our emotions for what they are intended to do – they may tell us things about ourselves and the world in general that we may not like…but until these things are faced, owned and met with a level of curiosity…freedom will always be elusive to us.

We can’t create freedom in the world if we don’t understand how we aren’t free in our minds and therefore, our own lives.

When we run from our emotions – we are causing a blockage of the flow of Truth.

We then misuse the intellect by talking and rationalizing ourselves out of our feelings and we then build our character from this very place…and wonder why so many of us are angry, disillusioned walking reactions to life.

Emotional Intelligence is the act of using our emotions to communicate with us, facing the messages they have to offer and then allowing ourselves to deliberately respond (act) from a place of true understanding.

Using Emotional Intelligence Wisely

The way to use our emotions wisely is to allow them to surface freely and to stare them right smack in the face.

Ask them what they have to tell you.

I know it’s a scary thing to do, but think of it this way…

The fear of facing your own emotions comes from the act of judging them. If you understand that you’ve always done what you knew how to do based on how you’ve interpreted (based on programming) whatever information was available (or unavailable) to you at any given time…

Then what’s to judge?

It doesn’t mean to forget that you may have done bad things, or that others have as well.

But when judging them leads to the fear and therefore, refusal of looking at things head on – then these acts are still controlling your life (and the world) by default – whereas when we face our emotions…we then have a chance to see reality for what it is and then deliberately ACT from a place of knowledge and wisdom and Truth.

When you realize that this is a useful way to look at why we have become who we are – then we understand that facing our own emotions is an opportunity to see why things have turned out the way they have and how we’ll get to (based on new and relevant information thanks to the messages of our emotions) get to do things differently…

Which will create different results all on their own.

Facing Our Own ‘Stuff’ Leads to TRUTH and Healing

I have personally gotten to a place in my own life where I welcome any negative emotion to speak to me. All I need is a whisper and I’m in full attention.

I literally invite my emotions to stay and communicate with me…and I ask for the ability to understand what they have to tell me – even if the answer isn’t obvious right away.

I treat my emotions as though they are a welcomed guest in my life…whereas back in the day – I used to medicate them away. As a result, I know myself better than ever and I am aware of the conditions of the world in a way that I could have never understood, or accepted before.

I know that when my emotions begin to whisper – it is nothing to be afraid of.

However, if I do sense a feeling of fear or disdain on any level – I know for a fact that it is either something that runs my life because it exists within my subconscious mind, or because it contains additional evidence of the reality of the condition of the world and deserves attention.

When you realize that most of the thoughts we think are actually thoughts that we DON’T KNOW WE’RE THINKING…you see how the emotions are in fact telling you (via your reaction to circumstance) how you are maneuvering your life based on the thoughts that are thinking you.

So then it becomes a matter of simply seeing this for what it is – and instead of running from such an awesome opportunity to get in touch with the ‘you’ that’s trying so desperately to communicate ‘you to you’ – you welcome it.

Because allowing our emotions to speak to us is nothing more than the act of accepting hidden, but incredibly relevant information into our immediate awareness.

Look, I know that it’s scary to allow pain to surface – but what’s worse?

Pain that runs our lives anyway? Or knowledge of how this pain runs our lives combined with an opportunity to transcend it and start living in the presence of Truth and inner-peace?

I just want to express gratitude to Sylviane for inviting me to chime in here on her blog. Considering that I find her to be someone who understands the dynamics of human behavior – the fact that she finds my voice to be one she welcomes here is a huge compliment J

So how about you? Do you find that it’s scary to face your emotions? Do you have any stories about how using emotional Intelligence has benefitted you? I’d love to hear about it.

Sylviane Nuccio is a professional Writer/Content Strategist and a Success Coach. She is a regular contributor to Huffington Post, International Living and Chamber of Commerce. She helps new entrepreneurs to become financially free.

34 Comments

Good to see you at Sylviane’s blog, and yes, you surely have good friend’s, though I hope everything is soon well at your end and you are back with us Sylviane 🙂

I know I read about Emotional Intelligence earlier too, but you explained it well here. However, it becomes tough to take care of you emotions when you are overwhelmed or really troubled, or when you want and you just can’t take control of them. For example, the loss or death of a parent, or near one or when you are really depressed or lose your job etc – you are bound to cry and get emotional. How does one control ourselves at such times?

Yes, you work on yourself and try to get things in control, and though it takes time and you get better, but momentarily it’s not easy I think. I remember the time I lost my Mom – it took me days to overcome that grief and the self-understanding and self-talk was the thing that eventually worked for me, along with the wise words from my father.

You brought up some excellent points.
And believe me when I say – I’m not a master of self-improvement or anything else. I’m on the journey like everyone else…it’s just that I’ve figured out a thing or two 😉

Using your example – there is NO way that I could imagine just sitting down in the midst of such a painful experience and ‘trying to be all Intelligent about it’. Grief has its own thing going on – and I only know that when I’ve been faced with it – all I could do was to allow it in.

In life though…through circumstances, it has come to my attention that most of us try to cope with life…instead of really getting to the nitty gritty of things.

I know that things happen in life and get crazy. I will say that when such things happen – this is probably the BEST opportunity to take the time and examine any emotions that come to the surface – and how similar emotions may be involved in each circumstance in an effort to shed light on a pattern.
I have found that when we don’t listen to the whisper (slight feeling of discomfort) – it soon becomes a talk, then a shout, then a painful smack on the head (life eruption of some sort).
There is Truth in the emotions. We do get busy…as things will always need to be done.
But when it’s understood that everything we do in life is a direct response to a story that plays out in our minds…then we just may be willing to stop being busy for a moment to ask ourselves…
“What is REALLY going on here?”
Because there can be significant life changes in doing this…it’s just up to us to take the first step and allow this action to happen. Otherwise, life dictates life.

Harleena, I thank-you so much for your thought provoking comment. I wish you a wonderful week 🙂

I so know what you mean, at times it not easy to control our emotions to say the least, however, I did learn in my studies of emotions (through books that I’ve read on the subject) that it’s totally possible to snap out of any emotion almost in an instant, what usually gets in the way can be “cultural beliefs,” “our “own beliefs,” and “how much we really want that to happen.”

The book by Tony Robbins “Awaken the Giant Within” talks about that in pretty good details. But again, no one says it’s easy.

Thank you so much for this post, Dana. I read it last night “finally” and thought this made a lot of sense.

Indeed we are in a society that educates people to numb emotions with drugs, and the result of this is a drugged society that forgets that the invisible (such as emotions) is stronger than the visible.

We need to be more in tuned with the invisible energy that is part of us and guides us a great deal. Emotions are part of such energy that we need to use to advance in life – all areas of life – rather than numbing them with artificial drugs that are destructives.

Really, my pleasure.
I’m honored that you extended the invitation to me to write for you – and I enjoyed putting this together.

Yep – we really don’t seem to understand that life isn’t limited to what we experience with the five senses. The emotions may not be ‘tangible’ – but they are very powerful tools for understanding the human condition.

And it’s this human condition that contributes to the whole. I see what looks like a fork in the road for humanity to decide which way we’re going to direct the state of our world. Our level of consciousness will be the determining factor in this…and the emotions play a HUGE role in helping us to see the light of Truth – within us – and in world circumstances.

Great article!! I’ve recently heard about EI, but more in the context of relationships, both at home and at the workplace.

I’ve used it to become more aware of how I might show up in any given situation. Likewise, I understand others bring their emotions to the table as well.

When negative emotions do appear, I try to understand what needs are not being met so that I can fully evaluate why I’m feeling the way I do. The other day I was upset because I thought my boyfriend was angry with me. I had the need to understand what he was thinking. So, I simply asked and realized he was not in fact angry with me. If I would have suppressed that emotion, I would have felt upset longer and for no reason!!

I’m glad you liked the post.
I know first hand what it’s like to internalize an emotion based on someone else’s behavior and create an entire story around it…so it’s cool that you came right out and asked your boyfriend about his mood.

It’s amazing what happens when we face things, right?

I actually haven’t (formally) heard of EI as being a teaching or anything. I used the term because it’s what made sense to me – but it seems there is other literature on it…lol. I’ll have to check it out and see if my breakdown of it is similar to what’s out there.

I’ve been away from blogs for 2 weeks, so now and it’s time to get back on track.

The subject of emotions is a very interesting one and I’m actually reading and learning more about it right now.

I think that with emotions there are 2 things we need to do: 1) is listening to our emotions and see what they’re trying to tell us, as Dana so well explained in her post and 2) control negative emotions when they are getting in the way of what we want and need to accomplish.

Either way, as humans we are a bundle of emotions, and they are there all the time, so we need to learn how best to deal with them.

Hi Dana,
I recall reading about this before, and remember commenting on your neologism – bumbletrippin’. Last week I finished reading Emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman, who pioneered the term, and has seen over the years how the phrase has taken on different meanings in all walks of life, including cartoons. It’s worth reading if you enjoy the subject. You may also be interested in spiritual intelligence (about BEING, not religious connotation.)

It is difficult while one is going through a time of emotional upset or turmoil to see things clearly, especially when afraid. But it is okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to be real with our feelings.

Yes, I remember seeing you over at Adrienne’s blog when my post was published 🙂
I’ll have to check out the books you mention too – as I haven’t heard of them.

I know that it isn’t only tough – but most likely impossible to think clearly in the midst of deep emotional turmoil. I actually don’t feel this is the time for clarity at all.
But it does lead to clarity over time if it isn’t resisted or pushed away.

It’s a time for allowing. I say to let it in and seek it’s message – but don’t try to solve or fix anything at that time.
The answers come up eventually – but when we allow ourselves to really experience our emotions – we have an opportunity to come up with the right questions.

The reason I can share some insight is because I’ve done this very thing and it worked beautifully. Whereas when I used to ignore my emotions, medicate or intellectualize them away…I never got to the root cause – but instead, I would ‘cope’ and remain a walking emotional reaction to everything and everyone in life.

Thanks so much for your comment and the suggested reading info. It’s good to see you again 🙂

Yep – it’s meant to be used as a tool for personal awareness of everything that lives within us. When implemented – it can certainly serve to show someone how they already do show up in a given situation.
Thanks for your comment!

I’ve read a couple of blog posts on emotional intelligence but I believe you explained it the best 🙂 don’t tell no one else though.

We all go through the motions but I do have to agree with you. Instead of reacting to life, stop for a moment and figure out what these emotions are telling you. You can compare them to the dreams that you have. Although there maybe symbolism, there’s a deeper message that in the subconscious mind that you, and only you can figure out.

The worst thing you can do is to ignore them and “buck up”, because they’ll never go away. In my case, there’s always a specific task that has yet to be taken care of and I need to go ahead and complete it. Whenever I do this, I feel more accomplished and closer to my higher self. As a matter of fact I connect to that higher self which I feel more relaxed and at peace with myself.

Good to see you here as well 🙂
I’m glad you liked the post – and I appreciate what you had to say about my explanation…especially since I’m not formally educated on this sort of thing.
I do, however, dedicate a LOT of attention into understanding the human condition and what has caused it.

You are totally correct that we can’t afford to ignore our emotions because they never do go away. They only get LOUDER and interfere in as many aspect of life as possible until brought to the surface to be acknowledged once and for all.

It’s hard work. There has been a lot of damage done to the human psyche and we also do a lot of damage to ourselves in ways we aren’t aware of.
So our emotions try to clue us in to this and it’s up to us to be brave enough to face our own stuff.

As always Sherman – I really appreciate your input. I hope you have a fantastic weekend too!!!!!

I like your idea of comparing emotions to dreams and try to figure out what they mean. That’s a very good analysis.

I know someone who get very angry when he feels sad and out of control, this anger is the wrong emotion really, but it should tell him so many things. Unfortunately at times the person is just not mature enough to accept the answer and they just go on living their life feeling overwhelming emotions they can’t control or even listen.

Great to see you here on Sylviane’s blog! Emotions tell us so much about what’s going on inside us. To me its like touching a hot surface with your finger and the reflex is to take it off. It is built in to us, so why ignore it?

Back in the day I battled depression. It came up at the most happiest time in my life. I couldn’t handle it all by myself and was blessed to find a good therapist. Came to find out, it was the first time I felt safe in my life.

I just didn’t know how to deal with it. It was all the gunk in my subconscious mind that I had to clear out and understand. Long story short…I learned so much on that journey.

Now, if depression hits I have my inner toolbox ready to quiet my mind, and understand where it is coming from. Something that is an effect of a situation, or neurolinked? It gets easier and easier once we learn how to talk to our emotional self.

You are so right – it does get easier to face our emotions once we really allow ourselves to do so. It takes practice.
It isn’t always so pleasant – but the work still needs to be done if it’s freedom that we want.

Like you – I battled with depression for years. Most of my life in fact. And while I always did whatever I could to ‘cope’ – wherever I went, there I was.

Fast forward – life screamed at me one day and I was forced to wake up and pay attention. I had to take a good, hard look at the world and my own life.
Nothing has been the same since – and I’m glad.

We don’t realize just how much ‘stuff’ is stored in our subconscious minds – but these are the thoughts that run our lives.

So when our emotions come to the surface – it’s like a part of us that we carry around is trying to let us know it’s there and if we pay it the attention it deserves – we’ll get to gain insight as to how we view ourselves and the world and therefore – what we contribute.

I really appreciate your comment Donna. Sounds like we have a few things in common 🙂

Your journey is an interesting one, and I totally understand what you’re saying here. We are complected being, and if safety is not what we’re accustomed too, then we don’t feel right the first time we’re finally safe.

I had that feeling back when I was a child. I was so unsafe at school because of my being bullied all the time, that I had very weird rituals at home that were signs of depression and anguish, even though I was safe.

Yes – when in the middle of emotional turmoil (such as grief)…being all “Yo emotions, yeah let’s have a ‘lil chat shall we?” won’t cut it.

But in regard to day to day life – it’s of utmost importance to do so. I had to start doing it because my own life started showing me ‘who I wasn’t’ – if that makes sense – and I realized that my shadow was ruling my life.

So the emotions are a way to help us to get in touch with our shadows – which leads to being a more conscious being.

But I’ve read your posts and I know that you pay attention to this sort of thing as well 🙂

Great to see you here at Sylviane’s blog and I so appreciate you stepping up and writing this post for her. I know she’s had a rough couple of weeks but on the mend now. Sorry I’m late ladies getting by here, I’ve had a lot on my plate as well and it’s getting fuller by the minute.

I don’t believe I’ve ever heard the phrase Emotional Intelligence before now. Leave it to you Dana to educate us young lady. I think we all struggle with this, I know I do even though 99.9% of the time I’m very positive, happy and upbeat. Life just gets in the way at times though with problems that arise constantly and of course the loss of a loved one throws me for a major loop.

I always say I’m a work in progress and I’ve definitely come a long way. I understand that life is going to throw us curve balls, nothing is ever perfect. It’s how we react to it though that will not only show us the kind of person we are but help us get through things.

I’m not perfect in this either but I do know and practice to stay in the present moment and to know that we can’t obsess, continue to cry and be down about things we have no control over. I think losing a loved one is the exception to the rule because we just miss them so much but when problems arise we need to just understand that it is what it is.

You are so wise with your words and I appreciate you sharing this with us. Thanks again for stepping up to the plate for Sylviane.

I hope you both have had a good weekend and ready to take on yet another week. I think I am. 😉

Thank-you for what you said.
And like you – I hadn’t really heard anything formal about emotional Intelligence either (although I did watch a talk show 20 yrs ago about EQ (emotional quotent) vs. IQ. I don’t remember if they discussed what I discussed – but even if they did – I sure didn’t follow it…lol

We’re all a work in progress and I feel humanity always will be.

I actually think that a LOT of us are going to go through some challenges (and have already) because I feel this is a time to gain self-awareness on a deep level. There has been so much programming running this planet that we have to face the Truth of it – and our emotions are the messengers to get us to dig deep within ourselves and see what may lie beneath the surface that has been running the show.

Maybe the major problems in your life have a message for you? A gift disguised as chaos?
I know that for me – this is often the case.
If you remember that HUGE funk I got into last year (I wrote about it) – I had to face that shit head on…lol
It turned out that I was carrying around a belief system that ran my life on many levels and showed up everywhere. It was painful. I cried a lot and felt pretty hopeless for a while.
During this time, however, I went for a walk on the beach and something came to light…
I realized – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that the reason I was in so much pain was because I wouldn’t pay attention to the message any other way. It had to literally squeeze me to such a high degree of discomfort that I wouldn’t be able to mask it, escape it, cope with or shrug it off.

I KNEW this to be true – and felt a bit of relief on the spot when this Truth hit me.

There was no escaping it…but once I DID gain this insight…I literally sat down and invited it to stay and talk to me.
I then started to write in my journal and just allowed the words to come out as they wanted to. I coughed up a few long forgotten memories that helped explain my how and where I picked up this limiting belief system. I also took the opportunity to re-evaluate my priorities and realized that they were based not only on my limiting belief system – but that this belief system in and of itself was what molded my goals in life.
There were LAYERS to this – and only because I allowed the pain to do what it was trying to do (which was to communicate ‘me to me’) that I faced and learned what I needed to.

Life worked out better after that. The external circumstance(s) that occurred which forced me to look within didn’t need to be around after I did the work – and things turned around almost instantly.
I was no longer in resistance. I had brought an aspect of my shadow to the surface and shed light on it.
The man behind the curtain was exposed – and he offered to take me back to Kansas 😉

It was my pleasure to help Sylviane out. It was great to be asked and it was a pleasure to contribute.

I’ve been trying to follow up on comments here even though it’s Dana’s post, but she’s done a much better job than I did. Being even late approving comments 🙂 So sorry about that!

I’m like you, I’m rather upbeat and happy, but I do not deal well with losing a loved one. I know that some people can control even that pretty well, but people are different in this regard. I mean, how do you control missing someone you love so much?

Thanks for the great article on emotional intelligence.
I heard this morning on a popular news magazine that
Scientist are theorizing as we grow older we have so much information in our brains that it takes us longer to find the stuff we categorized and filed away.
Younger people don’t have as much data so they tend not to get bogged down trying to find the information they are looking for.
We are truly amazing in our capacity to think and on so many levels!
Thanks again,
Tonya
Tonya

You bring up an interesting thought. It makes perfect sense that the older we get – the more baggage gets stored in our subconscious minds and the more ‘sifting through’ it would take to gain conscious awareness of any one in particular.

It’s like hoarding. As time goes by and the hoarder continues to collect – it’ll be impossible to find that jewelry box they stashed somewhere that day back in whatever year it was…lol

So when we see it that way – we can understand why it’s so tough to know where we may have stored a thought (we don’t do it consciously) – and eventually…our ‘thoughts think us’.

So when it comes to our emotions – they give us an idea of what’s playing in these recordings based on our reactions to whatever events happen in our lives.
So we have to get curious about the emotions because they hold clues as to why we interpret information the way we do…and whether it’s on purpose or via programming (most of it’s programming).

It takes time to uncover these stored bits of info – and this is why A LOT of practice is required.

Hi Dana, nice to see you on Sylviane’s blog. I’ve heard the phrase EI but didn’t really understand it until reading this post. I think mine has changed over time. I don’t get as worked up as I used to when I was younger with letting my emotions run away with me. I try never to assume anymore and that helps me keep the emotions at bay. I like how you can take the pain to transcend your life – and grow from it. Hadn’t thought of it like that before.Lisa invites you to read..IFTTT Will Help You Achieve These 5 Goals

I’m glad you liked the post.
And like you, I used to allow my emotions to get the best of me and lead my decisions. And then I went to the other extreme and tried to shoo them away.
Neither of these two strategies worked well.

So yes, it’s when we respect the role of our emotions enough to allow them to be the messengers they are meant to be that we can learn a lot about ourselves on so many levels.

Casting light on something that was lurking in the dark brings the Truth out into the open.

It was very exciting to visit the blog of this sort, although I myself do not quite understand about emotional intelligence. For me it is very similar to IQ, but in this case leads to control over one’s emotions. As far as I know, these sort of things greatly affect one’s relationships and success.

Glad you liked the post.
Emotional Intelligence (my definition of it anyway) is having an understanding of the role of the emotions and using them in the way they are intended to be used.
Our emotions act as our internal guidance systems. They tell us how we feel in response to our internal world (thoughts, memories perceptions) as well as our external environment.

As far as I’m concerned, they are just as important as IQ because without an awareness of how to properly use our emotions, we run the risk of becoming walking emotional reactions to life itself.
Many individuals fall into this category and it helps to explain at least some of the chaos we experience in society.