Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Am Not Rejected

I wrote in my post about Grief that almost every minute of the day I feel rejected. I think I need to let you know that this no longer is true for me. I am not rejected. I am not the reason my husband left me. My husband left because there was something inside him that was making him unhappy. He left because of me originally, but we remain apart because he needs to figure out how to be happy with himself. It took me a long time to realize that, and then that begged the question, “Then if it’s not me, why doesn’t he come home?”

The truth is, I don’t know the answer to that. What I know is that while we are apart, it is NOT me that is keeping him away. This I finally believe in my heart of hearts. It will never have been me only.

Sure I could have been a more loving and accepting wife. Yes, I needed to be more forgiving, less angry. Yes, we needed to spend more time together. Yes, there were lots of things about me, and about us, that needed (and still need) work.

But this has little to do with me anymore.

I am now more beautiful, kind, loving, happy, forgiving than I have ever been. I am a good mother, hopefully I’ve always been one, and I’m sure Oliver could attest to that. I am still a great friend.... I think my friends would agree (hopefully). I’m now an even kinder stranger, a more courteous driver and still a very loyal employee. Today I’m beautiful in my own way. I have a better figure than I did this time last year — about 35lbs lighter and more toned thanks to working out. I am taking great care of myself. I’m practically self-supporting. (Matt is still helping financially, and yes, I’m very grateful for that; and yes, my comfort level will be impacted greatly if we get D.) And I’m very aware of spending money necessarily rather than to appease my insecurities. Generally speaking, I’d be a much better wife or partner — I’d be a great catch for any man. I know I will be. My friends have told me that I wont be on the market long, I wont be single very long. I do believe that. I do! Finally! You all have lifted me up. I believe it! Yay for me!

And the greatest thing is that I am really enjoying my time alone (or with Oliver). Yes, it’s still difficult to be home alone in the evenings, so I do stay quite busy. The mornings however have been getting a lot easier! Today I woke renewed and excited for my day. I practically jumped out of bed.

Dare I say it? I’m actually happy!

Wow. Joy has returned. The light is back in my eye — at least one of them. I feel confident. I feel sexy. I feel attractive and beautiful. I’m proud of who I’ve become. I can take care of myself, my son, my home and those dang cats. I think I am finally the mother whose son would definitely be proud to claim. That was my goal actually — to be a mother that Oliver would be happy to point out to his friends.

And now I think I am a woman who’s husband would be proud to claim as well! I think there are many men who would be happy to walk by my side, who would love to take me out, who would be happy to spend time, lots of time, with me. I think perhaps I’ve finally made the transformation from Mom to MILF. Sorry if that offends anyone. And if you don't know what MILF stands for, perhaps you might want to find out. Vulgar? Perhaps, but I do mean it in a very dignified, self-assured, self-confident and self-caring sense.

The best part is that I do not want or need partner right now! I look forward to a day where I can spend time with a man, but I don’t even want my husband to move back in right this minute. Sure there are moments when I’m lonely. But lately those are rare. I’m not lonely. I have my son who takes a lot of time and energy. I cook, I clean, I have laundry to do daily. I shop, work, see friends, mentor, read, write, study, etc etc etc. You know — the same deal you all do. I’m busy. I have a life.

I’m so grateful for all that I have that I can hardly begin to feel sorry for myself.

Do I want my marriage back? That’s a big question.

The truth? I don’t know.

Would I take my marriage back?

The truth? I'm not going to answer that right now.

My son is the biggest factor in that, and when I took a moment yesterday to imagine the end of my marriage, when I meditated on what that might be like, my heart broke mostly for little Oliver. I think that is where I need to do the work now. I have to resolve the guilt I would feel for my son. That is a pivotal and very strong pull for trying to make a marriage work.

For the real truth is, if there wasn’t Oliver, I’m not sure I’d hold on, because what happened this summer was not acceptable to me. These past 9 months I learned a lot. I also am beginning to see some things very clearly for the first time.

I have no hurry to answer these questions. I may not even have a choice in the matter. Matt may file for an end to this separation before I even get the opportunity to make up my mind. And you know what? That would be OK. I’d be sad. Yes. Hurt? Greatly. Would I forgive him? Not for a long time. To be honest, I could forgive him much more easily if he came home. Why that is, I cannot explain.

I do know that I’d survive the end of my marriage, but not without a lot of effort. At least I no longer want to end my life because the death of my marriage, the loss of my very best friend to put it bluntly, would be too painful to face.

There just is no way to convince a man of the help that is out there. Did you know that love is a verb, not just a feeling? Did you know that if you have fallen out of love you could actually just as easily fall back in love?

I can’t convince my husband that he is making a serious mistake however, no matter how hard I try. I’ve tried pleading, crying, begging, using guilt and anger, to no avail. I've tried rationale approaches with calm, quiet discussions and heartfelt honesty. The last time I tried was 3 days before Christmas. For a moment, I thought he truly heard me. But that ended with a knife to my heart with some things he said in his defense. He wouldn’t have it. Most recently I’ve tried in my dreams and they conclude the same way. I’m stonewalled. I can’t face his obstinance any more. It’s futile to try to convince him. Matt does not have the tiniest inkling of hope that he could be happy in our marriage, that he could fall in love again. Oliver’s future is at stake. Our child, my baby, his son. This is serious stuff. Do you know how strong the pull is to try to convince him of what I know to be true? I can see the light. He cannot. I want to talk to him, but I’ve been burned by his reluctance so many times. I’m completely powerless. It kills me to watch this slip away. But... It’s God’s problem now, not mine. Trust. I just have to trust that we will be OK if Matt doesn’t see it before it’s too late.

“If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!” Luke 17:6

I can face the future with hope; I can let go; I realize reality, and it’s not a pleasant reality. Maybe the past is gone and there’s no hope for the future. Maybe my ‘best friend’ was only a best friend in my personal address book, not in his. Maybe he is not who I thought he was. How sad. How painful. How hurtful. How deceitful. I don’t wish this upon anyone, and I don’t have any answers on how to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I woke up one day and my world was forever changed. I cannot even look at photos of my son from that weekend without reliving the memory of what was to happen on that fateful Sunday morning. It happens to many people in various different forms and degrees. I never ever thought it would happen to me. But it did.

It’s my loss, yes. It’s my son’s loss. It’s Matt’s loss. No one wins. No one. No one gets happier really. Our lives are forever intertwined thanks to our bearing a child. Forever. Not just 15 more years, but forever, as long as we have Oliver in common. We don’t get to come out of this unscathed, and we don’t get to break free. The best we will have is another shot at this with someone else. If, and only if, we learn from our mistakes.

Yet, there is still a chance to mend, and I guess I must still be hanging onto that hope. I know God performs miracles. I wonder if my marriage, my family, my best friend will be one of them.

4 comments
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Check out the book The Four Agreements. It never WAS about you, it isn't about you, and it never will be about you. The book explains it far better than I can but I think you'll understand. It's short, easy to read, and helped me a LOT.

This made me cry. You are so right, and watching you find clarity in this is so inspiring.

I have mentioned this here before, but my parents divorced when I was 3 and, in some ways, it has greatly shaped my life. I hope you will see one day, that that's not necessarily a bad thing. My years with my single mom are SO dear to me. She truly, TRULY loved herself during that time. She became who she was meant to be. She taught me so much about contentment with your circumstances.

Is it ideal? No. Do I think I am a stronger person because of it? Absolutely. I love both of my parents, and I am completely at peace with the fact that they could not love each other anymore. It never affected their ability to love me. I so admire my mother's plight to demand the marriage she deserved. And Andrea, she has it now. With someone who was not meant to be my dad, but who WAS meant to be her husband. They can be different people.

Oliver will be ok. No, Oliver will be wonderful.

I pray that Matt comes to his senses. But if he does not, you will thrive. Not just survive. You will thrive!

Thank you to all three of you who left these comments today. Now you have ME crying.... I really really appreciate it... Sometimes I wish my husband would read this blog.... but alas he says he wont anymore.