Two Wheels. One Dark Lord.

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Do it for Doug

Doug is an old drinking buddy of mine from way back in the day. We don’t have much in common, other than bikes and whiskey, but over the course of many rides we became pretty good friends. Douggie is a former Air Force pilot and although he isn’t a particularly big guy, he has quite a presence. He is fearless when flirting with women and he speaks with a slight Oklahoma drawl that only gets thicker the more he drinks. We used to ride and drink until after last call on a fairly regular basis and it was always a good time. That is, until we would leave the bar.

The first time we closed a bar together, we hopped on our bikes and swerved through the parking lot. All of the sudden Doug does a U-turn and rides over to some guy saying hello like he is an old friend. The guy was in fact a stranger but Doug starts up a conversation with him about his truck. A big monster truck of a rig and Doug is talking shop about everything from rims to after-market exhausts. I found this particularly odd since I knew he drove a little shitbox Honda hatchback. The conversation is carrying on for a bit until Doug just goes silent, an awkwardly long pause.

Doug takes a step closer looks the stranger straight in the eye and yells “NICE TRUCK! SORRY ABOUT YOUR DICK” and gives the guy a two handed shove to the chest. Predictably, a fight starts and I have to be the one to break it up. This happened quite a few times over the next couple of years, until Doug moved to Southern California. Where I’m sure it still happens to this day.

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I was reminded of this story today when I read an article about “Rollin’ Coal”. This is a horrible trend I have noticed lately in rural parts of the southwest and it now seems to be creeping in to the cities. This is where people with big diesel trucks turn up their injectors, bolt on some giant exhaust pipes and proceed to fill everywhere they go with black diesel smoke. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against trucks. This isn’t some tired, self righteous anti-car/ride your bike rant. In fact, I find incredible amounts of joy in putting my truck into 5th gear while flying down a dirt road.

But here’s the thing. A lot of us live in big cities and big cities tend to have pretty bad air already. Go to Phoenix, Salt Lake, L.A., or Denver. Have you seen the air there? Exactly my point, you can see the air. Air is supposed to be invisible! Breathing is my favorite thing to do. Every day, over and over again, I never stop. It’s nothing short of awesome. Why would a person waste time, energy and money to make their vehicle less efficient and our air worse? It is like decaffeinated coffee or non-alcoholic beer, it makes no sense.

I have been hearing more and more about cyclists being harassed and smoked out by these obnoxious vehicles. Some are even getting the cops involved. In my opinion, this trend needs to stop now and I think I might need to harness my inner Doug.

Queefstacks are an epidemic consequence of insecurity and denial; an unhealthy form of self-expression that screams flamboyance. You can’t hide it ladies. Own up and queef like a man so the rest of us can get on with breathing!

When I look at the local help wanted ads every other job is “truck driver wanted”. Why the hell then when there is a truck driver shortage do we have all these wannabes “rolling coal” and stroking their cocks while huffing diesel fumes?! Get a job driving a real fucking truck for christ’s sake.

Yep, we have a bunch of these asshats popping up in our neck of the woods too.

What I find intriguing about this trend, is that it’s generally conservative, right leaning, don’t be takin’ ma guns, don’t be taxin’ me, don’t be tellin’ ma favorite truck maker they gotta make shit more economical neither. Fuck fuel economy, it’s ma goddamn right to burn as much muthafuckin fossil fuel as I goddamn well please. You give me a truck that already sucks more fuel than many third world nations power stations, and I’ll detune it so it burns more still.

Same guys run AC at home with the windows down, or turn on the heat in the winter and open the windows to let the fresh air in (fresh air, oh, the irony). Same guy leaves all the lights on, and refuses to buy compact fluorescent bulbs, whilst stockpiling ultra precious, ineffiecient incandescent ones like gold in Fort Knox. Same guys that think solar energy is a waste, that Tesla’s electric car ideas are bordering on treason, and often have stickers such as “Prius repellent” on their bumper near their exhaust. Same guys think that spending money on making their homes more energy efficient is an encroachment on their fundamental right to burn more oil for their own comfort. Be energy efficient? Why the fuck would I do that, that shit’s for sissies.

Bikes consume no fossil fuel, no wonder they hate on them so much.

Conservative?

I think these guys are just a tad confused on the precise meaning of the word, but hey, not graduating from 4th grade due to all the cutting of school funding, and insisting on putting God back into school until that point, likely has something to do with their abysmal vocabulary comprehension skills….