Son dropped out of college wants to return home for support

Question: My son (formerly daughter) is returning from college after dropping out. He is a transgender youth (i.e. born female, but identifies as male) who has struggled with many emotional and social issues. He has had a hard life starting with an abusive father when he was very young. We’ve spent lots of money on therapy and tutors and other sources of support to help him become successful and happy. I don’t regret it at all. I love my child very much and I’d do anything for him; but at this point, he has to learn to help himself. I know it must be hard to be transgender, and abused as a child (something about which I have terrible guilt), and depressed, and academically challenged, and so on, and so on… I get that, and I’ve been there for him for his whole life. But he can’t keep imagining that the world is against him. He can’t continue to believe that all his challenges are because he is a victim. If he doesn’t take some accountability for his choices, he will never make his life better and he will always be depressed. At this point, I don’t see that bailing him out anymore is a good idea. He is too lazy to get a job. He is too lazy to do school. He wants to move back home until he “figures things out,” but I think that would be a mistake. Of course, he is playing the victim role again because I won’t take him in. I need to know that I’m making the right choice by not helping him out. Am I right?

Answer: You are definitely doing the right thing. There’s nothing to be gained by sheltering him in your home. Victim thinking (justified or otherwise) won’t lead to success and happiness, and he will need to take accountability for his situation and his own life it he hopes to find happiness. You cannot do it for him.

It seems that you already understand that taking him home won’t be helpful. If you are like most parents in these “failure to launch” situations, then you’ve likely already tried something along those lines – maybe even several times, right? And it never works. You can’t learn to become self-sufficient by having someone else coddle you. And listen to this: if that had any chance of success, I’d encourage you to go ahead and take care of him. But I’ve seen this way too many times. By taking him in, you’d only insulate him from the consequences of his decisions, which would delay the critical life lessons he must learn in order to become happy.

You know, it’s possible that he has been a victim, truly. It is likely that others have mistreated him. That wouldn’t be his fault; but nevertheless, he is the only one who can determine to overcome his challenges and decide to live after the manner of happiness. The problem with thinking that every bad thing in your life is someone else’s fault is that you cannot, at that same time, believe that you are capable of realizing the solutions. In other words, the victim mentality renders one unable to ponder their own powers to overcome. Accountability becomes ability. This is empowerment.

Don’t take him in. Not only would that halt his evolution towards independence, it would also be detrimental to your relationship (I’m sure you can imagine why). You can and should always provide emotional support, but your materiel support should be conditional upon his choices – whether they are good for him or not. Your instincts are correct. All the best to you, Dr. Scott.