I've been married just over a year now and I'm embarrassed to admit that my husband and I have not been able to have intercourse at all minus a few short times which were excruciatingly painful. It was so hard in the beginning that every encounter left me in tears and intense pain and him frustrated and feeling bad. Instead of things getting better they've gotten worse bc with each failed attempt I'm hating sex more and more. I tried dilators and if I'm alone with no pressure I can get them in, but truthfully, it's hard plastic and nothing like the real deal. Everything online says dilators and therapy should fix it, but the dilators didn't help and bc I belong to a more conservative faith we don't go to psychologists (please no comments on your opinion about this--it is what it is). If I don't see a psychologist is there any hope for healing? My husband expressed his frustration once that all we can do is the "other stuff". He apologized and felt bad but all I can think now is how the other stuff isn't pleasing him. I'm also having some female issues but my intense fear doesn't even allow me to see a dr. At this rate I'm worried my marriage is falling apart and that I'm going to be in pain forever. I've tried praying for healing and going slow with my husband, which is probably what allowed us the few times, but we can never get past it. I've asked my husband to just go for it even if I cry but he was adamantly against that. I feel lost, alone, and stupid. Does anyone have advice?

Welcome to the boards anony624. Wish you were here under better circumstances.

Intense pain during sex is not normal. Have you talked to a gynecologist about these issues? Online resources can be helpful but they are no substitute for medical professionals.

You said that you have intense fear about going to the doctor. I understand the desire to just wait and hope things blow over but that is the wrong course. It is better to get things dealt with now than wait for things to get worse.

can you let us know a little more about your background? What's your religious background, exactly? You say it's conservative, but that could mean a lot of things and might affect what advice we give here. For many people, even those who come from conservative Christian backgrounds, Christian counselors or even a trusted pastor (it doesn't have to be your pastor, even) might be an option for counseling regarding this issue, as an alternative to seeing a psychologist.

What are you attitudes regarding sex, in general? How did you feel about sex and how did you see it before you got married? Were you a virgin when you married? Was your husband a virgin? What is your sexual history like? (even if you were a virgin, most of us have some kind of sexual experience or teaching that affects our view of sex) Have you had any extremely negative sexual experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse, etc.?

Did you see a doctor before your marriage? You may need to see a doctor now, and you'll have to get over your fears to do what's best for your marriage and for your body and for your husband. It could be something simple, like your hymen still being intact, to vaginismus, to something else. My wife and I had early physical issues ourselves, and we're glad that we saw an OB/GYN before our marriage so that we knew what we were getting into (so to speak) and what we could expect. Even though we still had difficulties, it really helped to have seen a doctor beforehand, so that there were no surprises or uncertainties as to what was going on.

As someone whose marriage experienced these kinds of difficulties early on, I can testify that things can get a lot better (they did for us!). This is a great place to bring your concerns--it's anonymous! And you're surrounded by caring Christian folk who will take your concerns seriously and offer great advice from their vast experience. Hope this all helps!

On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

Conservative Christian--professional counselors are frowned upon. Pastoral counseling could have been an option except my husband and I are in church leadership and I'm worried that something like this would be tmi and make the relationship between us and him awkward.

We both waited til our wedding day to do anything sexual, including kissing. I was a virgin and saved my first kiss for the wedding, although in the past I had allowed a guy to pass my boundaries touchy feely wise and conversation wise. I repented and moved on. My husband also had a slip up when he was younger and repented and overcame it. We both remained pure otherwise.

My father was abusive although he didn't molest me he would do other inappropriate things like look at us change and shower. We were physically and emotionally abused, and I was labor trafficked (even though I'm your average Caucasian american--I'm not of a different culture or country or anything ).

I feel like my mother, who got custody of us when we were removed from his home always felt bitter at me bc my sister was molested and I wasn't. She would always accuse me of sleeping around and forced me to go to drs for pelvic exams frequently. I had a menstrual issue at 13 where I bled a lot and they fixed that with birth control and I eventually got off birth control when I asked God to heal me and he did. My mother used that as a reason to make me see obgyns all the time but I know that wasn't the reason bc the drs always said I was fine.

She finally took me to one Dr who didn't believe me when I said I was a virgin. The Dr told her that the reason I wouldn't confess was bc she was there and that if she would wait in the lobby then she would be able to get me to confess. I insisted that I was a virgin and then, even though I didn't want yet another exam, the dr told me I needed one. When I got on the table she kept trying to get me to confess again and when I wouldn't the Dr raped me with her tools. She kept stabbing me even though I told her to stop and it hurt but she wouldn't. I was able to push myself up with my feet to get her tool out of me and jumped down on the table and got out of the room. I never told anybody what happened til 10 years later I told a friend. My pastors wife also knows as I told her once. A nurse also treated me in a humiliating way, of which I never talked about.

My first experience serially was walking in on my father watching pornography when I was 5 or 6...the woman was getting molested but enjoyed it. I wonder if that messed up my thinking from the get go.

I've only been to an obgyns twice since that even when I was 16. Once when my new Dr told me I needed an exam and that's when I realized I couldn't do it. I cried my eyes out while she tried and she had to stop because the pain was so bad. I felt stupid bc I had a panic attack in the chair and the nurse had to hold my hand.

The second time was because I was having bad pain and went again. Again I cried so much that they couldn't do anything and I left feeling completely alone and humiliated.

I told my husband before we got married that I was worried these things would cause issues and he said it was OK and that he still wanted to marry me. I didn't realize how bad they would be. He still says he'll love me no matter what, but truthfully, I almost want to ask for a divorce so he can remarry someone else who can give him sex and so I can be free from the pressure of trying to fix my body. I am under so much stress and have been for so long that my body feels like it's shutting down. I'm so physically sick all the time from stress that I can barely function unless I have to in public. I want to be intimate with my husband so badly but any time he starts wanting to be I cringe for fear that it might come close to a sexual encounter. I avoid it at all costs until I can psych myself up to just do it.

I love him so much and want to be able to give this to him but it's so traumatic to me that the thought of it just makes me cry and cry. I know divorce is not the answer but it's the only thing I can think of as a means to escape this. I don't understand--when we were dating I desired my husband so much (but remained pure) and on the wedding day I head so excited. Then every sexual encounter was do bad I literally hate sex now. I just want to be normal but I'm worried I'll never get that chance.

I would strongly urge you to get to some kind of counselor who can help you. Since you and your husband are in church leadership, you're may want to find help in a nearby town, where you can be comfortable with your anonymity. Please don't divorce for this reason. The Devil has been trying to rob you of the married pleasure that's rightfully yours and your husband's. God has a different plan, and there is hope, if both of you are willing to persevere.

You have been abused. There are other women here on the boards who have been abused in different ways and are on the journey of walking out of that into sexual health and wholeness in their marriages. If you browse for a while, you can find their stories. I'll try to locate some of their threads and put them here.

What happened to you with your father is inexcusable and is abuse (gross violation of your privacy and the sanctity of your body). What happened with the medical professionals is absolutely horrible and criminal. I'm so sorry. The good news is--God is in the business of redemption and fixing brokenness! I have seen it time and time again. I'm praying for you!

On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

I realize that with your background, you are not wanting to talk to a professional counselor because of the reasons you stated, but I think that many ladies that suffer with vaginismus (which is what it sounds like you might be dealing with) actually go to a physical therapist. A physical therapist can help you learn to control your abdominal/pelvic floor muscles so you can learn to not tighten up during sex.