Hi, my psychiatrist today told me that I could look for a forum like this, to share my pain with someone who can truly understand me. It's easier for me doing it behind my pc ... I lost my boyfriend 4 years ago, in a motorcycle accident. He was 23, I was 22. We have been toghether for 3 years and we lived toghether we just changed home, everything was going well, after years of fightinghs and problems due to our personalities and our family problems we were growing up toghether and we loved each other a lot. It wasn't the perfect relationship, we're not perfect, but I still love him as the first time I realized I was crazy in love with him. These years have been like HELL for me, I've been seriously waiting for him to come back home for two years and I think I'm still waiting, I felt guilty, I tried to understand WHY it happened, even if I don't believe in God, I tried to find a reason even thinking about religion.

I had another partner after 3 years... since then I thought I wanted him to be my last partner, my last LOVE. It often happend I kissed the other boy thinking about my dead boyfriend Marco, wondering that he was with me, and the pain was even worst. Once ore twice I woke up during the night with this guy calling him Marco. I'm not ready for a relationship but this is not what I'm scared about, because I'm 27 now and I'm young I know I'll have the chance to have a family one day. I'm scared about all this pain, I miss him too much, I miss his little attentions and even if we would break up, I woul like to know he's alive, and he's fine and he can do whatever he wants with or without me, it doesn't matter. Each time something happens to me, an important event like the birth of my second nephew or a stupid thing, a funny thing, a sad thing, something that makes me feel angry or frustrated my pain grows because I can't share anything with him anymore and I find myself talking alone in my bedroom because I have noone that understand me and my pain, my love, my real problem.... his loss. Now it is a time of changing for me, I found a job after one year and of course I miss him even more, I miss those little things he did that made me understand he loved me and that he was always nex to me.

I'm Mimi. I read your post and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss you've suffered. I can very much appreciate where you are coming from. Isn't it just amazing how as we go along in life, we meet people that just have such a powerful effect on us? For a few moments we touch each other's lives and then we parted so suddenly. And it's so true, it doesn't even have to be a perfect relationship for that connection to feel so strong. Like you said, even though you've parted, and even though it's been years now...that connection is just undeniable. You're actually angered by it because no matter what you try, you just can't seem to "turn it off", and you can't explain why, it just lingers. Though they're gone, we still need people we can be close to, that we can reveal ourselves to, who give us that unconditional love.

I can appreciate your frustration with trying to find answers too. Whether we are religiously inclined or not we can all agree that there is something about death that is just so un-fair, and so heartbreaking. It just doesn't make sense that it's possible for us to create such strong relationships and then have them torn apart in a flash. Some may say that God wanted another angel in heaven, others say it's "survival of the fittest". Both can still leave us empty. Something I read in the Bible really proves true at Ecclesiastes 9:11, it says "I returned to see under the sun that the swift do have the race, nor the mighty ones the battle, nor do the wise also have the food, nor do the understanding ones also have the riches, nor do even those having knowledge have the favor, because time and unforeseen occurrence (things) befall them all". We know that sometimes accidents just happen and at times we suffer unjustly. But I am also comforted by the scripture at James 1:13..."But when under trial let no man say I am being tried by God, for with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does He himself try anyone". I am comforted knowing that God is NEVER responsible for the suffering we endure. On the contrary He promises to undo any suffering we may experience.

I have learned from experience that if we are willing to take a closer look at the Bible, we find that God has promised to bring our loved ones back to us as living breathing humans on the earth, we can find true & satisfying answers to life tough questions, and we can find real evidence that a bright future is in store for us. So be assured the answers you are looking for are out there! When you have time I would encourage you find a Bible and look up the following scriptures...Psalms 34:18, Isaiah 41:10 & 13, Acts 24:15, & finally Revelation 21:3-5. They have always been of comfort to me and hope they can give you a measure of comfort too, as you try to press forward.

Please be assured of my sincere condolences to you, and please feel free to let me know what you think.