Thursday, February 14, 2013

365 days without you. I LOVE YOU CJ

Valentines day, a day we never liked, and we always said we loved each other every day; we didn't need a day to make it extra special Last valentines day I remember waking up to CJ giving me a kiss and saying " happy valentines day!". The night before we were just taking about how we would just hang out together at home, no big plans, and I told him all I needed was him and I was perfect. I thought about maybe cutting our sandwiches in a heart shape and surprise him, since I brought him lunch every day to work. I got up and went to the bathroom half asleep and as I was walking back to bed, with my eyes half open, CJ laid a good one one me and said "did you know I love you?' He was extra awake and spunky. I heard him get ready and watched him shave in the mirror of the bathroom. He was my handsome babe. He got ready and then out the door he went, just like any other day… but it was the last time I told my CJ I love him. Living only three block from work, CJ biked to work because he loved riding his bike and it was a sunny day. I wish I could go back and change it all… I have so many flash backs of this day.. and this horrible nightmare I wish I was dreaming. It has been 365 days… the longest days of my life. The HARDEST days of my life. I want it to go away and I want US back. I love my CJ… more than words can describe.

One Year. It is unreal to me. How can he be gone? He still feels so alive in my heart….

I miss laughing with him, he always made me laugh. I miss the way he looked at me.. like I was the only person in the world to him. I loved it. When we would be in a group of people, and somehow, I would find him in the room and he would just be grinning at me, with "that grin" where I felt so much LOVE from him. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by that cute guy across the room, that he was mine. I miss just him driving the car and holding his hand. I loved holding his hand, he had good looking hands. I am not just saying that because I love everything about him.. but he really had some great hands. He could have been a hand model. I miss the text saying "good morning lover butt" in the mornings when he knew I would just be waking up. I miss bringing him lunch, I loved waiting for him at our picnic table right outside his work… I would just wait until I saw that big smile walking out the doors. He would act all professional, until he got outside and would give me his crazy face and I would always get butterflies waiting for my handsome. I miss our "freakin weekends"! Every friday at about 4:55 I would get a text saying "its the freakin weekend" and how he wanted to take me on a cute date. We lived for the weekends because they were days we could be with each other EVERY SECOND! How on saturdays we slept hard!! I never used to sleep in late, but CJ taught me how to sleep in, and I loved it because I would wake up to my best friend. I loved how we could just lay there for hours together, not wanting to move, and being totally ok with it. I miss going to play tennis with my buddy, we were playing like 3-4 times a week…and I haven't even had the courage yet to play with our fancy rackets CJ bought us. My mind goes back to our last weekend together. How I spent every second with him doing our favorites together. I could go on for pages and pages of what I miss… I miss so much. What I miss most is that CJ took care of me, how I knew no matter what I did, he would laugh and tell me its ok. How life used to be so happy and full… I knew what I wanted most.. to be a mom. How we would talk about how we would be that mom and dad dancing in the kitchen to our techno music… how we were going to be the cool parents. I miss seeing CJ light up with kids. How he loved talking about how he would be that dad that coached his boys after work, how he was going to be such a good dad. THIS is what breaks me the most. How it was taken away, and now I don't know what my purpose is. I have never prayed so hard in my life to my Heavenly Father for comfort…There is. CJ and I will be that mom and dad dancing together with our kids. We will be able to have our family… it is such a comfort to know that the promises we made in the temple will continue and we will have that chance. I love how in the scriptures is says "whatsoever is sealed on earth will be sealed in heaven.." That is a promise, and our Heavenly Father keeps his promises

I have a lot of hard, down days… some days where I think I can't make it, some days (more like moments) I think I can.. and in one second I am a wreck. The only thing that is constant is that I LOVE HIM. I am so blessed to have him. I am so blessed to have amazing families. They have been with me every step of this journey, we are all in it together, and I am so grateful for the support they have given me. I truly don't know how people go through this would without family and the eternal perspective that the gospel gives us. Our friends have been there for me too. They come pick me up and take me out… even when I don't want to, but they want to get me out. They make me smile when I don't want to. CJ's friends have been checking in on me and taking me out too because they know CJ wouldn't want me to sit in bed all day… I am one of the boys now, and they have all just taken me under their arms. I can't describe how thankful I am for mine and CJ's family. I cannot express how much Love I have for them and for our friends… They have lifted me up. Even complete strangers have reached out to me and have been praying for me, those emails have gotten me through the day… I am so loved, and I feel it.

I am not trying to win the favorite aunt award, but my little Chunk, Brooklynn is a true little angel to me. She is so close to the spirt, and knows when "kewi" is having a hard time. She is CJ's little girlfriend and I know he tells her to give me extra love. I love all my nieces and nephews… SO MUCH. Chunk has just really been my little buddy. Sometimes when I bring her up to my room she will just say CJ and go give his picture a kiss. Then when we leave my room she says bye-bye CJ and blows him a kiss. I know she feels him close. That is why I love little kids because they are so more aware of the spirit, the veil is so much thinner, and I hold on to them and try to soak that in. Even bailey girl, I just see her sitting right in front of a picture of CJ, just looking at him. When I have been at my lowest, Brooklynn sat next to me and patted my back (she isn't even two years old) I think she just laid on me because that was the closest she could get to me, and wouldn't leave my side. ALL my family.. ALL my nieces and nephews, I love so much... CJ did too.

I have met amazing girls. Beautiful girls, who are in the same situation as I am, who have lost their husbands too. How their strength has really helped me. How I am not the only one… my heart breaks for all of us. I wish no one had to feel this pain, but it is so comforting to talk to them, they get it. People have been placed in my path, and I am so grateful for them. I know we meet people for a reason, and I have made some of the most amazing friends. Eternal friends that will continue. I know their husbands watch over us, and their husbands have helped my CJ too. They are with us… and will be until we come home to them.

I look back on this year… and with tears, I can say I did it, even when I didn't want to go on. I have loved my CJ

every single second of every day… and I feel our love growing stronger each day. I am so grateful that I LOVE

YOU were the last words we said to each other. I am so grateful I am married to my CJ for ETERNITY…I just

wish this chapter of our love story didn't come so soon. We just barely started it. I wouldn't trade it for anything…

CJ is worth it. I really believe that we were made for each other. soul-mates. Even though our first chapter is short,

it is filled to the brim, and it is the happiest chapter, and will be the happiest until I return to my CJ.

I pray for you, and put your name in the temple often. Just know that so many pray for and love you. You are brave, CJ is obviously such a special person. I know he's always looking out for you. I pray for peace and love to fill your heart everyday. Big hugs from Missouri.

I, too, lost the love of my life when I was very young. The worst part was that moment after you wake up, when you think everything's OK, and then you remember. For years, I held on to him and kept his memory in my heart every moment. But as time passed, he told me it was time to let go. Almost 20 years later, I have a husband and son that love me madly and I them. From the other side, I know, even though it seems impossible now, you will survive. You will love again. You will have children. And you'll be able to love them all that much deeper, and that much stronger for having loved your CJ first. That is the miracle of the human heart. Love, when it is true, never leaves us. It always survives.

Thank you for sharing this. Your love must be so powerful because it can be felt by reading your words. I feel like I have learned so much by reading this single post; I will not take my relationships for granted. I am praying for you today.

I'm glad to read your blog entry today, it puts everything in perspective. You inspire me. Love is a blessing. We grieve because we love. I hope you make it a good day - get outside, feel the sun, do something great for yourself and others. Keep writing~

Lynne said...Keri - I think of you and others who have hard burdens to bear and hope that each day is a little better. Probably not easier, but better at least. My family moved to Provo for a short time while my dad was doing research and I was on the newspaper staff CJ's brother Jeff while I was there -- funny guy. From what you've written about CJ he sounds great. Take care. Lynne from Illinois

Brandon and I talk about you a lot. We wonder how you are doing. We pray for you. Brandon's grandparents always ask about you. We are all your little cheerleaders. You are awesome. I am amazed by your spirit and faith.

My heart goes out to you! All of us loved CJ so much! I look up to your strength of being so dedicated to him. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of him being the father of your children in heaven. You are so right about that scripture. What a beautiful family you will have, and it will be soooo worth the wait. He was awesome and we all miss him a lot. I lived down the street from him for a very long time. He has awesome parents. His mom is a strong woman and still finds the strength to go on without her husband. It is so hard! Tragedy struck my life and I struggle every single day. Some days are so hard, but they say we will be rewarded for our strength and sacrifice.

I just came here from Stephanie Neilson's and am so deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. It just takes my breath away.

Dear Father in Heaven, hold dear Keri in the palm of your hand. Help her to feel your embrace, sense the love radiating from heaven, warming her heart, her soul. Surround her with loved ones and precious times here on earth as she waits for her reunion. Amen.

God bless you, Keri. Thank you for sharing your story. God will use it to strengthen marriages, I just know it.

I know you don't know me, but I want to tell you how much I admire you for sharing your feelings on this tough tough TOUGH day. I hope you keep the blogging up, I can only imagine it is therapeutic, but what do I know? My mother lost my dad in a bike accident too, but he was much older than your husband, 61. It's different, but also the same in some ways. Hang in there. And be grateful for your strong marriage. This Valentine's Day is a hard day for my younger brother too... but for different reasons. It is the day of his fourth wedding anniversary, but he is going through a sad divorce. God loves you and life will get better, rest assured.

I found your blog from Julie Olsen's and Stephanie Nielson's . . . I've been reading it for a while now. I thought about you all day long and hoped the best for your hard day. You are inspiring for sure!

This post is so sweet and beautiful. I can literally feel the love you have for your CJ when I read your words. Even though I don't even know you and have never met you, I still feel that your CJ is watching over you every second of every day. For some reason, he had an important work to do on the other side and Heavenly Father needed him. What a wonderful day/reunion when you see him again and you are given all the answers to your questions.

I have thought about you ever since I read your blog a few weeks ago and it continues to be a quiet reminder to appreciate the most important things in life.

The Lord has important plans for you too Keri. You and CJ will accomplish a great work together - just on different sides of the veil. Our time here on earth is no match to our time in eternity with our forever families!

you are very brave and i am sure god (and CJ) are watching over you during this tragic time. i am very sorry for your loss and am sending you lots of love, strength and positive energy to get through the most difficult days.

stepping forward is not rejecting the past and wish you a joyful future. i love the artwork in your previous post and your statement that CJ will be first in line to greet you. so hopeful to those who have loved and lost. thank you! hugs, annahttp://ifthouknewest.blogspot.com

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Keri,Found your blog through Julie Olsen...As I read your post, the part where you said CJ was so extra spunky and awake. I got this overwhelming feeling that his spirit knew it was going to be the best day of his life(the worst of yours) to meet his Heavenly Father. I am so sorry you have to feel the heaviness of losing a loved one. I too lost my sweet 2 year old son 11 months ago. He drowned at home under my supervision. I know they are watching over us. I pray for comfort to feel your broken heart. You are one more year closer to seeing him again. Much love and ((hugs)) to you.a grieving friend.-Tiffany

I'm sure you get this all the time...but really, you inspire me. Thank you for your example of love and hope. It really reminds me to be grateful for what I have. You are a very beautiful girl, and I admire you! I'm from Provo, too, so I enjoy looking at all your pictures (I sound like a stalker...but I really like your blog) and seeing the fun memories you have with your husband. You're beautiful!

Last year I found your blog after reading CJ's obituary online and being captivated by it. I feel like a blog stalker, but wanted you to know your story has changed my life for the better. You seemed to have lived a lifetime of happy marriage in such a short time, and it has reminded me not to take anything for granted. Although I have never met you, I feel like I know you and CJ, and I think of you often and hope you are making it through the especially hard days. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your memories - you have inspired so many people, and we all are enriched by the immense love you have for your sweet husband. You have taught me how to love better. You are in my prayers....- Lauren in Idaho

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I have followed your posts for around a year. I so enjoy you reminiscing about your time with CJ, I can only hope to find someone who loves me the way he loves you. You are such a strong woman and so raw with honesty. I have really grown to admire you.