TWO IF BY SEA is a putative comedy reminsent of the SMOKEY AND THE
BANDIT series. It was released without previews to most critics which
is usually a sign that the studio thinks their movie is in trouble.
Other than being poorly written (by first time writer Denis Leary),
sloppily directed (Bill Bennett), and overacted by every member of the
cast, it does have a few redeming features like picturesque views of
Nova Scotia.

When the script is not getting on your nerves and the slured,
mumbled Bostonian accent so thick that you need subtitles is not
driving you crazy, you at least get to relive slapstick comedy scenes
from other bad movies. Just to make sure you know they are trying to
mimic other movies, one character says to other "who do you think you
are, Burt Reynolds?"

The movie starts with a small time crook named Frank O'Brien
(Denis Leary) being chased by a dozen cop cars. Frank's girlfriend Roz
(Sandra Bullock) is with him. In one of many derivative scenes, she
throws their map out the window. The maps covers the window of a
police car which then goes into a ditch. I found this slapstick
attempt at humor to be a total failure since the acting was so
overboard. Two minutes into the movie and the movie is such a stinker
that it begins to reek.

Other scenes you have seen a hundred times before include the one
where Frank is trying to run while putting his pants on, but he keeps
falling down. In another long scene to kill time, we get to watch
Frank and Roz try on all the clothes in a huge walk-in closet. We have
a flyfishing scene where Frank slips on the rocks, gets his line
tangled, and surprise, gets the hook stuck into him. Finally, their
version of the Keystone Cops are so stupid that when the cops all board
the train, the thiefs get away by walking out the other side.

Within fifteen minutes, I was ready to leave. My wife wanted to
stay to see if it picked up; it didn't. I confess that I actually saw
all of this piece of drivel. Okay, so I did go to the lobby once for
five minutes to escape.

The movie does have a plot. Frank steals a painting which turns
out to be more valuable than expected. His fence, Beano (Wayne
Robson), then wants to get the painting from him. Detective O'Malley
(Yaphet Kotto) of the FBI is convinced that Frank is really famous art
thief Phil the Shill even though Phil died over a decade ago. Frank
and Roz hide out in a rich but remote area where they are welcomed by
local millionaire Evan Marsh (Stephen Dillane). The town is so small
that the police station is also the local video store. The only one in
town who has Frank and Roz figured out is a kid about 12 years old
named Todd (Jonathan Tucker). If you care, you can guess everything
that will happen after this.

It takes many people to craft a movie this bad, but prime credit
has to go to Denis Leary (from THE REF) who not only gave a pathic
acting performance but came up with a script full of inanities. Todd
tells Frank how to woo women. He says, "Girls like muscles. They like
muscles and romantic dinners." Sometimes Leary thinks he is Frank
Capra. His script has Frank O'Brien saying, "People like us are born
in little houses and die in little houses, and we've got to find
happiness somewhere in between." Inserted into the middle of a bad
comedy, this line is totally out of place and does not work at all and
even if it did, Leary is incapable of delivering it in a believable
fashion.

There is not a character in the show that is realistic and
certainly none you care about. In theory there are two romances in TWO
IF BY SEA. In reality there is no chemistry between anyone. Bullock,
whom I loved in SPEED and liked in THE NET, is given poor direction and
manages to be incomprehensible and uninteresting. Kotto seems to be
suffering from gas in most of the movie. He just stands around and
frowns in most scenes while saying little. Dillane gives a vacuus
performance as a mysterious and handsome stranger. The worst
performance of the lot is Robson's. Whenever Beano and his band of
incompitent small time crooks get on the screen, you want to shut your
eyes.

I am amazed to report that some people in my audience actually
laughed at some of this stuff. The only thing I could figure out was
that they were being tickled by their spouse to past the time.

TWO IF BY SEA runs forever, 1:45 to be exact. It is incorrectly
rated R. There is no nudity, sex, or violence. The language is mildly
bad in a few scenes. I would have rated it PG-13 and with the deletion
of a couple of words, it could have been PG. On the other hand, I
strongly recommend that you and your kids stay as far away from this
movie as possible. I do give it one half of a star, but only because
it did not quite crack the threshold of pain, I reserve for zero star
movies.