What is it that we all want from a transfer rumour? Is it plausibility, the sense that this isn’t all a pointless load of tosh and that some of this might actually take place? Is it the opposite, that this is all just escapism and reality has little or nothing to do with it? Is it the promise of big cash, the grim pursuit of the Sky Sports transfer totaliser making us judge the worth of anything simply by numbers and money? Is it the chance of amusement, that at least one, maybe even both sets of fans involved in a deal might be thoroughly irked by the whole thing?

The Premier League so far: a majestic muddle that continues to entertain | Jonathan Wilson

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The prospect of Manchester United moving for Alexis Sánchez satisfies at least two of those criteria, and depending on your point of view it might well tick another of the boxes too. This tale comes from our old pal ‘reports in Chile’, via our other chum ‘reports in Spain’, so make what you will about the veracity of this particular claim, but it’s an enjoyable one to start things off.

And you’d probably better squeeze the enjoyment out of that one, because there is not, to say the least, a great deal else to get you fizzing and excited in the world of transfer gossip. Oh, here’s one – Pep Guardiola will be offered a remarkable contract worth around £17m a year to stay at Bayern Munich, and thus keep him from the clutches of just about every club in England, who would seemingly drag their collective chins across broken glass to get Bavaria’s most high-profile v-neck jumper model. Guardiola will make his decision “entirely based on his own impressions” according to his agent, and you’d rather hope so too.

One of the places that would be delighted to have Guardiola is Chelsea, and of course there’s a big foam finger of blame being pointed in all directions for the clusterflip at Stamford Bridge right now, and today it is being aimed at Michael Emenalo, their ‘transfer guru’ who is in line for a smacked botty on account of their transfers, well, not being any good.

Should Emenalo leave Chelsea, he might want to share a cab to catch the Do One Express with youngsters Ruben Loftus-Cheek and Charly Musonda. The former is irked at his lack of first-team football and fancies a loan, quite probably to a Championship club in January, while the latter is irked at his lack of first-team football and fancies something a little more permanent. Manchester United are fans of the lad, it says here.

Liverpool! Remember them? Manager is the chap with the glasses. Wear red. Used to win stuff. You’d know them if you saw them. Apparently they’re rather enchanted with Empoli’s Riccardo Saponara, having sent scouts to watch the attacker with a January bid in mind. The bespectacled boss is also thought to be hot for winger Christian Tello, currently on loan at Porto from Barcelona.

What else … interested in Sunderland being keen on West Ham defender James Collins? Manchester United umming and ahhing over giving Jesse Lingard a new contract? Slavisa Jokanovic and Paul Lambert in the frame for the Blackburn job after they binned Gary Bowyer? No? Not fussed? Probably best we wrap this up now then.