I am a freelance journalist in New York City. I write for a range of publications - The New York Times Style Section, Washington Post, Elle, etc. - and am a graduate of NYU, University of Pennsylvania, and Oxford. I write about society trends, interesting people, issues that make us think. This blog is geared towards young professionals and the adventures we encounter daily. You can also follow me on Twitter (@AlysonBKrueger)

Why In-Person Flirtation Is Becoming Extinct

I first noticed the trend at Davos in January. I would see singles, particularly men, standing in the corner of parties, scrolling through matches on Tinder to find people in the same venue (or even the same room). They would chat with numerous people on their phone at once, and then meet up with the ones they really liked later in the evening.

I saw people doing the same thing last week in Austin at SXSW. Instead of looking around the room at parties, singles would look down at their phone, using location-based dating apps, to find partners with whom to dance or take to the next party.

And it’s not just happening at conferences. My cousin told me college kids as young as freshmen are using dating apps to meet students who attend the same classes, clubs, and frat parties as they do. I even met someone who said he uses Tinder on the Metro North Train, to meet women in the adjacent coach.

For me, dating apps have always been a secondary way to meet people, something you use when you lucked out at too many parties or want to stay home alone but still be social. But this sentiment is quickly becoming old-fashioned. Singles are now using dating apps to meet potential partners even in environments such as Davos and SXSW when they are physically surrounded by an abundance of smart, attractive, interesting (and often pretty tipsy!) singles ready to mingle.

When I met Greg Liberman, the Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Spark NetworksSpark Networks, the company that owns JDate and ChristianMingle, I asked him about this trend. I combined the results of a study he conducted last year among 1,500 singles with some answers singles gave me at conferences, to determine just why people are sticking to their phones rather than in-person flirtations. Here is what I found:

It’s much easier to make the first move on your phone… Approximately one-third of single men and women agree it’s less intimidating asking someone on a date via text vs. making a phone call. Now, imagine how high that number would be if it were asking someone out over your phone rather than in person? It’s scary to blindly approach a person and tell them you are interested in them. It’s much easier over the phone, especially if you are worried about being rejected.

…And then really get to know someone. After you’ve initiated conversation, you then have to keep it going, something that can also be daunting. Flirting is tough; you have to constantly think about what to say next, how to be forward but not cross the line, whether your funny jokes are really that funny. Flirting over the phone takes away some of the anxiety, allowing people to be themselves a little more, says Liberman “You see people being more outgoing and extroverted.” 55% of singles agree, saying their their mobile devices make it easier to flirt and get to know someone. (Interestingly the number is higher among men than women. Maybe they feel more pressure to perform well during the initial conversation?)

Dating apps give you a much wider network. When you are at a party you can really only talk to one person at a time. With dating apps, however, you can talk to hundreds if you want, allowing you to cast your net much wider and have a greater chance of meeting ideal matches. “Tech helps you meet people faster,” says Liberman. There’s also the FOMO element, meaning singles are scared they are missing the best person if they only talk to people in person.

With dating apps you know who is available. We’ve all been there – You spend half the evening talking to the most gorgeous, interesting, kind man at a party only to have him drop the girlfriend card once you are already hearing wedding bells. It’s understandable that many singles say they like to use dating apps because they know they are talking to someone who is not only single but also open to meeting new people.

Singles are happier with the people they meet through their phones. 64% of singles say the quality of their relationships has improved because of mobile devices. That means that singles feel they are meeting better people online, says Liberman. A big part of that may be that dating apps allow you to screen someone before you even meet them, increasing your chances of finding someone you really like or with whom you have something in common. It also helps you filter for religion, career, height, and other preferences.

We are addicted to our phones. It should come as no surprise that people, especially singles, are obsessed with their phone. 50% of them either strongly or somewhat agree that their mobile device is like an addiction. That means that even singles who want to put away their phones and meet people in person have a hard time doing so. So if we can’t ignore our mobile devices, we might as well use them for something useful. Right?

Post Your Comment

Post Your Reply

Forbes writers have the ability to call out member comments they find particularly interesting. Called-out comments are highlighted across the Forbes network. You'll be notified if your comment is called out.