we chose too have a "child free" wedding...we didn't even invite the kids of our brothers & sisters..

DH & I were late 30's/early 40's when we got married, and had been in and to enough weddings to know what we wanted & didn't want and had seen it all. We've both seen weddings w/kids as guests where the parents weren't watching them (they'd be @ the bar getting toasted) and have seen kids knock over wedding cakes, pastry tables and crash into waitstaff carrying large trays of dinners....

we also saw a "mixed reaction" among invited guests regarding our wedding...our siblings were fine with the "no kids rule" as they all wanted adult time away from the kids...while some cousins and friends were adamant on bringing them...we found ourselves telling these same cousins and friends to make a decision...either find a baby sitter for them and come without them, or don't come at all. we po'd a bunch of people, but on the other hand, we were paying for our wedding ourselves w/no outside help..

We've had lots of kids at family weddings and the family has always prepared. Hire a few older teens known to the the local kids to come to the reception after dinner to keep them entertained. Order children's plates for food, and have them fed before hand so they are not cranky. Have a few family members in charge of putting together age appropriate "kid kits". Special stickers, cards, games, snacks, etc. Bring a portable DVD player and kid movies. At our family weddings, the children, ages 2-14 and plentiful, were better behaved than some of the invited adults. Finally, the babysitters whisked the local younger kids away before the evening was over. At some weddings, it was to the closest family home, at others it was to a nearby hotel room for a cousin sleep over.

Hiring babysitters at the reception and stocking kits with coloring books and stuff was soooo not something I wanted to deal with (or pay for) as the final weeks of my wedding were approaching.

CT-DC lists all of those concessions for kid weddings and I guess if you *wanted* kids there you'd be okay with that, but there was no way I was going to do a day wedding instead of a night wedding. Backyard BBQ weddings are kid-friendly, but formal evening weddings are not for children. This is what I don't understand--would you take your kid with you to an adult New Year's Eve party or other gala where everyone was dressed up in fancy clothes drinking alcohol and staying out until midnight?

First of all, you should ask your dad what his budget for the guest list is. Ask him to do the math and set a limit for the total. He does have a lot of say in the matter. And you aren't asking for this gross expansion of the costs.

Second--I went through this myself. I was the oldest and first to get married. It was miserable every step of the way, up to and including being told that I couldn't even choose my own wedding gown. I got past that landmine by ordering it from the dressmaker well before the subject came up. The only reason I survived was that we were moving 2000 miles away a month after the wedding. The constraints that this fact imposed didn't really register...

My brother and sister learned from my experience--they both paid for their own weddings with minor contributions from parents as they chose to give. They chose sensible numbers of guests, and everybody had a good time. They had cousins over the age of 12, and the only problem was the extreme deafening volume of the music.

So you should really seriously consider a quiet ceremony with only the required witnesses. If it was your plan, you can have the religious ceremony on a weekday. You can find a really nice dress to wear that doesn't have to fit into BIG plans. You can have a nice restaurant lunch with a wedding cake and pictures after. You will truly enjoy the day, and your pictures will reflect that fact. You can then have a party for your friends, like after the honeymoon.

You have probably figured out that your mother is really looking to show off. You should consider that if you go through with her plans, then you will hear about the failures for a long long time...and you will probably be blamed for them.

If your mom is paying and insisting on all kids being invited, have her also hire 3-4 babysitters who can organize activities for the kids to keep them out of the way. If your reception is at a hotel or other similar location, rent a second room where the children can play, do crafts, eat kid friendly food even lay down in the corner and nap

Sorry, but you're way off base here...So if your date pays for a night on the town you owe him? He get's to do what HE wants because he paid?

If the money is being given with stipulations then the bride and groom need to except or decline the money based on what they want. Do we accept the 44 kids and get $X or decline $X and have no kids...pretty simple.

A wedding is about the Bride and Groom...that's why everyone else is referred to as a "GUEST!"

to each his/her own I supposed. When I got married (now 10 plus years ago) I invited all kids - from 2 mos old up - Its just what i wanted. I am italian - I had godchildren, and I love kids - if kids acted up - well, no big deal for me. A wedding is celebration of the formation of a family, and the union of a family, so for me it was a no brainer.

That said, I am invited to a no kids wedding in the future. I doubt I will go because I 1) have two little kids and 2) no one to watch them and 3) no money to hire a sitter for what will be a VERY late wedding (its two hours away from my house and doesn't start until 5 pm). *shrug* Whatevs.

When I planned my wedding I planned it around my guests, not me - I wanted my guests to feel welcomed and wanted. I had several older family members (85+) and made sure that their needs were met, as well as the needs of those with little ones. But that is just me.

I don't believe in this *weddings are all about me and its MY day* - its a day about FAMILY. Why start the first day of your lives about excluding? You do what you can with the funds you have - we did, and we had a lovely evening that even now family talk about.

But again, to each their own....no sweat off me. If I can't go to a wedding I don't go - that simple. I am not hurt or insulted b/c my kids aren't invited - they make the choices that are right for them, and I make the choices that are right for me.

I respectfully believe that a date is far different than a wedding, and the correlation doesn't hold water.

I don't believe that the mother SHOULD have control, by the way, it's just how the world works. Mom is paying. Mom gets a say.

Not everything is fair, and to expect everything to be fair simply leads to disappointment. That's why I said that maybe the best course of action here is to accept the money and some kids and make the best of it. It's not fair, it should be HER DAY, but imo it's her only option that will bring her any peace unless she can turn down mom's $$.

It might not be right, and things that aren't right get my goat, but sometimes one is happiest to accept things as they are instead of fighting against the tide all the way to the bitter end.

No, no and no. Do not knuckle under! It's your day and one of the few times you are in control. If they are paying and are emotionally blackmailing you on this subject, have a wedding you can pay for yourself or elope, or better stiil, just live together. Most weddings end in divorce anyway.

No, no and no. Do not knuckle under! It's your day and one of the few times you are in control. If they are paying and are emotionally blackmailing you on this subject, have a wedding you can pay for yourself or elope, or better stiil, just live together. Most weddings end in divorce anyway.Posted by bimmergal

I'm confused. Your premise is that she not, not and not knuckle under, but then you say she has to refuse mom's money to get to do what she wants. Which do you mean?

In Response to Re: And the battle continues : I'm confused. Your premise is that she not, not and not knuckle under, but then you say she has to refuse mom's money to get to do what she wants. Which do you mean? Posted by kargiver

I suppose it doesn't matter because apparently "most weddings end in divorce" anyway.

Anyone who said that to me probably wouldn't be invited to my wedding. Or anything else.

"If a woman can't have her wedding day exactly as she wishes..then something is wrong."

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To that and to Rogertaylor: it can't be exactly as the bride wants it all the time. There is a groom as well, and he might have some ideas too. And there may be family or budget realities that mean you, as a bride, can't have EXACTLY your way. And because you are inviting guests, you really should consider their comfort. You are hosting -- and hosts need to be considerate. That means, sometimes, compromise. Compromise because you care about the people you are inviting.

I really think the attitude of "this is MY day" is not only obnoxious to the poor folk enlisted to help plan said day, but is also a sure way to end up disappointed. A wedding is a party. It isn't the marriage. If you want things EXACTLY your way, you do need to pay for it yourself. Otherwise you are not the host of the wedding -- the payer is the host. And yes, the host of a party generally sets the rules for the party.

In an ideal world, the host would care about the feelings of the guests of honor (the bride and groom); but with weddings, all sorts of people get stubborn or strange about it. Doesn't always bring out the best in people, sadly. They too often forget the wedding is merely a celebration of the *marriage* to come -- the wedding is not the goal.

And yes, I am biased. My husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves, entirely. So we had the wedding that was within our means. That meant compromise on our parts from what we might do if money were no object. But on the plus side, it meant we could have a quiet, meaningful ceremony, and not a circus. There really are benefits to paying for your own wedding celebration.

Oh, whirled peas, I totally GET not wanting to have kids at your wedding. Really, I do. And if I were married when I was in my 20s I probably would not have had kids (my sister didn't, but then, the only 2 nephews on her future husband's side literally knocked over the birthday cake when she had a bday party for her fiance, AND they were throwing things off the 2nd floor balcony onto guests down below. With their parents inches away and not saying anything, so that soured her on inviting them! so believe me, she did NOT have kids at the wedding just so she didn't have to have those 2!

But, I got married at 40 yrs old, all my cousins had been married for years and had kids, and all live out of town, and I didn't want to deal with hiring babysitters, given I was getting married in my hometown but hadn't been "home" in years so didn't know anyone to hire. so I'd have had to hire pros and pay to have the kids in another room, so I just chose to have them there.

And making gift bags isn't always someone's idea of fun, believe me (and i wish I'd thought of the playing cards at the time!)

But for the OP, it sounds like she doesn't really want kids there, and I understand, I was just trying to give her ideas in case she ends up having to have them there through family pressure.

I do not like the idea of children at a wedding unless it is a destination wedding (like one of the islands and people brought there children with them on the vacation). Then you should be thankful people paid all that money to come to the event and certainly their children should be included.

But at a local wedding - I wouldn't even want to bring my elementary age children (esp for an evening wedding). In fact I would APPRECIATE it if no children were invited that way I don't have to explain to my children why Auntie Jeannie brought her kids but we didn't get to go.

You didn't go because I wanted to enjoy an adult evening at a formal event.

I respectfully believe that a date is far different than a wedding, and the correlation doesn't hold water. I don't believe that the mother SHOULD have control, by the way, it's just how the world works. Mom is paying. Mom gets a say. Not everything is fair, and to expect everything to be fair simply leads to disappointment. That's why I said that maybe the best course of action here is to accept the money and some kids and make the best of it. It's not fair, it should be HER DAY, but imo it's her only option that will bring her any peace unless she can turn down mom's $$. It might not be right, and things that aren't right get my goat, but sometimes one is happiest to accept things as they are instead of fighting against the tide all the way to the bitter end. Even the bride can't eat her (wedding) cake and have it, too.Posted by kargiver

I agree. a wedding is not like a date. a wedding is more like a really big dinner party. if someone's hosting a dinner party in your honor, they are usually in charge of the guest list. they may ask for suggestions, but ultimately, it's the host who gets to decide. and if you are paying for most or for all of any event, you are considered to be the host.

is it nice for her totally disregard her daughter's wishes? No, I don't think anyone is saying that.

I had no kids - and it was great. However I footed the bill for a big chunk so no one was going to call me out on it.

First, you will be surprised by how many people get a sitter. Weddings are not only an excuse to get a sitter, plenty of us know how much weddings cost and would feel guilt about bringing junior to the nuptials considering his chicken fingers is costing you $98/plate. So maybe you will wind up with 30.

So with that 30, put kids with like-aged kids. They will stick to their groups and huddle like little concubines - don't sit them with their parents if they are old enough to make conversation with other kids.

Third, considering hiring a sitter who can sit at a kids table, set up a play area outside the reception area, tend to diapers, screamers, and spills...I hired a sitter for a party in my home and everyone had a great time.

Anyhow, in light of the kid thing, have yourself a stellar rehersal dinner. Invite your closest friends, make it a nice night, get the photographer there, even wear a white tea length dress - glam it up and make some memories so you're not putting all your eggs in the wedding reception basket.

Lastly, you may think the kids will be the nightmare but thats not always the case. Everyone has a crazy uncle who can't dance (but thinks he can), a co-worker who tries to hook up with the bartender, a bridemaid who can't hold her liquor. At the end of the night you will have been through an amazing experience - the kids will fade into the back ground.

Just an update - Dad put his foot down this weekend. no kids at the wedding AND no random out of state cousins. He reminded her how much that plate of chicken was costing and that got them all knocked off the list. lol. Thank heaven's for my Pop!

I dont get this concept that because the parents are paying for the wedding they set the rules!?!??! they may have a say, but if they agreed to pay for the wedding that is a GIFT from them. You dont get a sweater for christmas with the caviat that you can only wear it on Tuesdays. The sweater belongs to the person receiving for them to do with as they wish. Wedding is a much bigger scale, yes, and many parents want and should have input but to direct who is invited above and beyond what the couple getting married wants is just a pushy parent.

As for the topic at hand, people should never assume kids are invited to anything, and they should all understand at a wedding especially that there may be some kids but not all....heck if i were an invited guest and heard there were going to be 44 kids there I would send you a nice gift but decline the invitation lol

I dont get this concept that because the parents are paying for the wedding they set the rules!?!??! they may have a say, but if they agreed to pay for the wedding that is a GIFT from them. You dont get a sweater for christmas with the caviat that you can only wear it on Tuesdays. The sweater belongs to the person receiving for them to do with as they wish. Wedding is a much bigger scale, yes, and many parents want and should have input but to direct who is invited above and beyond what the couple getting married wants is just a pushy parent. As for the topic at hand, people should never assume kids are invited to anything, and they should all understand at a wedding especially that there may be some kids but not all....heck if i were an invited guest and heard there were going to be 44 kids there I would send you a nice gift but decline the invitation lolPosted by cmarc75335

No, but they do get to choose the color of the sweater they buy you in that scenario. Yes, it's a gift, but it may be a conditional gift. If you don't like the conditions, you can always decline said gift and pay your own way.