14 October 2013

The Old Bill

I met the new Head of the Security
Department of my company for the first time today. We crossed paths whilst we
were inspecting an office refurbishment that our mutual Employer is undertaking.
The Security team had been sent over to guard a consignment of chairs that had
been received from Malaysia and rolls of carpet that had been delivered from
Mexico.

The new Head of our Security
Team is English and he is an ex-policeman. His name is Melvin and he was once a
London Copper.

He was a Plod.

He was the Old Bill.

There are interestingly a
number of different names by which policemen are referred. I have already noted
a couple but I could also add the Fuzz.

In fact I will add it.

The Fuzz.

There you go.

Many people believe that the
origins of the term ‘copper’ related to the buttons that adorned the English
police officers jackets but this belief is unfounded – and the buttons were
brass anyway. The term ‘copper’ was derived from the Latin word ‘capere’ –
which translates to ‘one who captures’. It arose on the streets of London in
the very early part of the eighteenth century and the name stuck.

The term ‘the Plod’ was
derived from a wonderful children’s story called ‘Noddy’ that was written by
the delightful English author Enid Blyton. One of Enid’s characters in Noddy
was the village policeman PC Plod – who was so endearing that the English
adopted his name as a term for policeman. ‘PC’ stands for ‘Police Constable’.

The Old Bill is the term I
like the most and its origins are the most obscure. There are more than a dozen
speculative theories about how it originated but the one I prefer is the story
that it relates back to the reign of King William the Fourth – back in the
1830’s. King William – or Bill to his mates – laid claim to establishing the
modern British Police force and in his Charter he gave them a “Bill of
Authority”.

I like writing the Old Bill
and I like saying it too.

The Old Bill.

The term the Fuzz is American
and I do not really care for it - nor am I interested in its origins.

“Y’oright Melvin?” I said as
I introduced myself to Melvin the new Security.

“Y’oright” he returned.

This is a popular form of
greeting amongst the English. I speak this English of the English well for I am
immersed amongst them in my day-to-day work life. “Y’Oright” is basically
asking “are you alright?” – but rather than answering the question you ask it
back.

Answering a question with a
question is always annoying and I will not even pretend to understand it, but I
accept it as just being one of those things that the English do.

“So I see that the carpet has finally arrived from Mexico” I asked of one of the contractors at the site.

“Underlay” Melvin
interjected.

“Nice one mate” I said.

His response was brilliant
and I liked him already.

“So where were you in your previous job Melvin?” I enquired.

“I was in Qatar innit?”

Some of the English use – and
indeed misuse the term “innit”. I come across it often and I occasionally adopt
it myself with the English.

It amuses me.

“Innit?” It is basically
asking the question “Isn’t it?”

“Qatar innit?” I enquired of Melvin

“Y’oright” he replied.

“Y’oright” has great
flexibility amongst some of the English and it can also be used as an
affirmation.

“Qatar y’oright innit?” I
threw back at Melvin.

He nodded his head in agreement.

This was excellent.

“And you were in the Old Bill before that?’ I asked.

I knew this because I had
been briefed on Melvin and his appointment some weeks ago.

“For twenny free years” Melvin
responded.

Some of the English drop the
letter ‘t’ from the middle of words and they replace the letter ‘th’ with ‘f’.
It is quite easy to understand when you get used to it although the spell check
function on my computer does not like it.

It does not like it at all.

“Did you ‘ave to wear one of vose funny ‘ats Melvin?” I asked.

You will note that I was
speaking colloquially here and adopting some of the English ways. In this
instance it is by replacing the ‘th’ with a ‘v’ and dropping the ‘h’.

I do this simply because I
like it. I do notoffer nor do I feel compelled
to offer up any other explanation.

“Only on special occasions”

The funny hats I am referring
to are called ‘custodian helmets’ and they were introduced to the London
Metropolitan Police Force in 1863. They are conical in shape and have chin
straps and a badge on the front of them.

I told Melvin that I liked
the custodian helmets.

“I like ‘em too”

I informed Melvin that I was
conversant with British law and was aware that there was jurisdiction that
allowed for a pregnant woman to urinate anywhere that they chose to in the city
of London – including into the helmet or cap of a policeman. He seemed
impressed with my knowledge of this law.

“Not everyone knows that innit”
he told me.

“In your years in the Old Bill did any pregnant woman wee into your
helmet Melvin?” I asked.

“Innit?” I added.

“Vey did not” he replied.

Some may not believe that
this is an actual law but I assure you that it is. Look it up yourself.

I asked Melvin what it was
that he did in Qatar and he told me that he was the Head of Security for a
company that was involved in the construction of Soccer stadiums for the 2022
World Cup. I asked Melvin why he left.

“It was ‘orrible vere”

It is ‘orrible vere.

I have been to Qatar and the
heat and rudeness of the natives is intolerable. Qatar’s treatment of their
foreign workers is nothing short of a disgrace. I have no idea why they were
awarded the World Cup but the human rights abuses that have and continue to
occur there are an abomination.

They really are.

I told Melvin that I was
aware that in the past six weeks alone fourty four Nepalese workers had died on
World Cup construction projects.I told
him that this equated to more than one death per day.

I informed Melvin that the
British Newspaper “The Guardian” recently published an expose on this atrocity
and they reported allegations of ‘a chain of exploitation’. Melvin told me that
he knew this and more and I could tell by the way that he was shaking his head
that he felt as disgusted by this as I did.

I told our new Head of
Security that I have many Nepalese friends and that I am acutely aware that
nearly one quarter of Nepal’s total national income is derived from their
people sending back money from overseas work - and that much of this work is conducted
in the Middle East.

The Director of an
organisation called ‘Anti Slavery International’ was quoted by the Guardian as
saying, “these working conditions and the astonishing number of deaths of
vulnerable workers go beyond forced labour to the slavery of old where human
beings were treated as objects. There is no longer a risk that the World Cup
might be built on forced labour. It is already happening."

It is predicted that more than 4000 foreign workers – mostly
Nepalese – will lose their lives in the construction program in Qatar.

I told Melvin that I do not for the life of me understand why
the governing body of the World Cup Soccer event had done nothing about this. I
also asked Melvin if he knew why the Americans had not yet invaded and occupied
Qatar. Melvin told me that he thought that it might have something to do with
oil and greed and corruption and I told him that I thought that he might be
right.

We both paused in whimsical thoughtfor a couple of heartbeats before I suggested to Melvin that
America had a long and colourful history of invading and occupying Middle
Eastern countries where similar or less atrocities have occurred.

We agreed that Qatar and Americans and the governing body of the
World Cup soccer were fuckers.