Christmas albums to get you in the spirit of...something

By Complied by Dana Guthrie & Andrea Waguespack

Photo: Bill Olive/For the Chronicle

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Fruitcake. No mall parking. Tacky gifts. These are just a few of the
things we love (sarcasm) about the holidays. But we've saved the best
for last: Christmas albums that never should have been. Check out these
strange holiday offerings that will make your Christmas party the most
talked-about event of the year. Then vote in the bracket below for the worst Christmas carol of all time.

Fruitcake. No mall parking. Tacky gifts. These are just a few of the
things we love (sarcasm) about the holidays. But we've saved the best
for last: Christmas albums that never should have been. Check out ... more

Photo: Zach Dilgard, Associated Press

Fruitcake. No mall parking. Tacky gifts. These are just a few of... Photo-5532666.51557 - Beaumont Enterprise

Rumor has it that Meatloaf is reportedly planning a Christmas album
called “Hot Holidays,” featuring guests such as Garth Brooks
and Reba McIntire. But given his rendition of “God Bless America” at a
Mitt Romney benefit, we're glad that this one hasn't hit the shelves yet. less

Rumor has it that Meatloaf is reportedly planning a Christmas album called “Hot Holidays,” featuring guests such as Garth Brooks and Reba McIntire. But given his rendition of “God Bless America” at a ... more

Photo: Justin Sullivan, Getty Images

Rumor has it that Meatloaf is reportedly planning a Christmas... Photo-3664007.51557 - Beaumont Enterprise

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The Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland is
known for his flamboyant stage presence and battles with drug and alcohol
addiction, but his rock and roll lifestyle has not dampened his Christmas
spirit. Weiland’s Christmas album, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” came out in 2011.

The Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland is known for his flamboyant stage presence and battles with drug and alcohol addiction, but his rock and roll lifestyle has not dampened his

Any Christmas album in which the opening track begins with
someone shouting “What is this crap?” sounds like the perfect soundtrack for
one of those dysfunctional family get-togethers. You know, the kind that ends
in uncomfortable silence. Just turn on Twisted Sister’s “Twisted Christmas,”
and make a little extra eggnog for the police response team.

Any Christmas album in which the opening track begins with someone shouting “What is this crap?” sounds like the perfect soundtrack for one of those dysfunctional family get-togethers. You know, the kind

Any Christmas album in which the opening track begins with... Photo-3664047.51557 - Beaumont Enterprise

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If your Christmas normally includes “a SWAT team in a pear
tree,” rather than the traditional partridge, you might appreciate Afroman’s “A
Colt 45 Christmas,” which features a charming image of a 40-oz beer on the cover.
Many of the album’s track titles are too explicit for us to list here, but you
can sample them at Amazon. And in case that's not enough for you, Afroman has yet another Christmas album, "Jobe Bells," and you can purchase both for just $46.86.

If your Christmas normally includes “a SWAT team in a pear... Photo-3664115.51557 - Beaumont Enterprise

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We found RuPaul’s Christmas album, “Ho Ho Ho,” in the
classical section of Amazon’s music department, and rightfully so, because the
cover alone makes it an instant classic. The drag queen takes on your children’s
favorite songs, including “RuPaul the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” At least every song
has a funky beat.

Children today probably have no idea who William Hung is, but
they shall, because “Hung for the Holidays” is still for sale online. Even if
you don’t buy the CD, the consumer reviews will take you back in time, to a day
when we’d never heard of Rebecca Black, “Gangnam Style” or Ke$ha. Yes, we just compared
Ke$ha to William Hung. Sorry, William Hung.

Children today probably have no idea who William Hung is, but they shall, because “Hung for the Holidays” is still for sale online. Even if you don’t buy the CD, the consumer reviews will take you back

Children today probably have no idea who William Hung is, but... Photo-3664145.51557 - Beaumont Enterprise

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“Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto” – that’s the title
of the first track on the 2001 album “Christmas on Death Row,” featuring Nate
Dogg, Lil Flip and the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg. Because Santa Claus
is always watching, even on Death Row. We wonder what you have to do to “O Holy
Night” to earn the song an “explicit” label.

On “Halford III: Winter Songs,” Judas Priest frontman Rob
Halford brings heavy metal screams to your fireside with his rousing renditions
of “We Three Kings” and “Come All Ye Faithful.” We have to admit, we couldn’t
help headbanging a little bit to “O Holy Night.” Hopefully no one was watching.

Insane Clown Posse’s “A Carnival Christmas” was originally
released with four tracks, and was later whittled down to two. We’re pretty
sure two is enough. Actually, having perused the lyrics, we advise that you
just don’t listen to this album at all, or Santa Claus will not be coming to
your house this year.

Christmas songs just sound better when they’re sung by
someone with a deep voice. Singers like Bing Crosby, for instance, or Brad
Roberts of the Crash Test Dummies on the band's holiday album, "Jingle All the Way." Listen to his rendition of “Jingle Bells”
and you’ll never think of the song in the same way again.

Christmas songs just sound better when they’re sung by someone with a deep voice. Singers like Bing Crosby, for instance, or Brad Roberts of the Crash Test Dummies on the band's holiday album, "Jingle All

No weird music list is complete without David Hasselhoff. Of
course he has created a Christmas CD! “The Night Before Christmas” was
released in 2004. We listened to the first four bars of “White Christmas” and
had to turn it off.

No weird music list is complete without David Hasselhoff. Of... Photo-3664171.51557 - Beaumont Enterprise

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If your Christmas spirit needs a little boost, the
super-white smile of Regis Philbin might be just what you need. And, when you
buy “A Regis Philbin Christmas,” you don’t just get Regis. Donald Trump is also
featured on “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” It’s a holiday delight that’s
sure to eclipse that iPad Mini under the Christmas tree.