Saturday, December 31, 2011

Fuck Your Decorative Towels. The Random Thoughts Post.

I couldn't let the year end without one final post, because I already feel super lazy for not posting in a "who the fuck knows?" amount of time, so I thought it'd be a mighty fine idea if I wrapped up 2011 with whatever the fuck is on my mind, regardless of how slim that might end up making this post.

To start things off, as the title implies, fuck your decorative towels.
I go to people's homes around the holidays, drain the pee pee, then wash my hands and realize that there aren't any paper towels or normal fucking human towels to use at all except for those non-absorbent, decoration adorned shitty decorative towels people hang up during parties so we won't assume they hang their smelly shower towels that they rub their balls on around all the time.
Yes, I use them, fuck that shit.
I even give them quite a tug to dry my face and leave them a wrinkly mess because fuck you.
It's your own fault.
How dare you leave me dripping wet like some throbbing cunt, left to drip dry in the cold night air after being teased then shunned by society for being a lady of the night?
Fuck you, you set me up, so I had no choice but to dry myself on your stupid ass towels and I rubbed my face all over Santa's balls and it sucked.
I hate you and I farted and I squished your bar of soap, eat my ass.

YEAH! Fuck your towels!

While on the subject of the holidays; did no one watch any Christmas movies as a kid?
What the fuck does getting an iPad have to do with Jesus?
Jesus got like two out of three bullshit gifts (the gold was the only decent shit, you cheap bastards).
If we valued them in today's currency, it'd be the equivalent of getting those shitty cheap generic wrestling figures from the dollar store as a gift.
Maybe, I'm just basing it on how I would feel if some dickhead got me frankincense for Christmas.
Perhaps it was pricey, but it still sucks.
A piece of shit might cost three hundred dollars but it's still a hunk of shit.
Still, the spirit of this holiday shit is about family and spending time together and getting hand jobs in the bathroom from your woman while the kids are staring at the Yule Log on TV.
Not this nonsense of expecting pricey things I can't afford unless I let homosexuals take pictures of my ass behind the Target over at Mount Vernon (hypothetically).
So fuck you guys for ruining the spirit of Christmas and everything that baby Jesus guy worked so hard to set up.
That dude didn't die so you could have an iPhone, you scumfucks.
If you want to buy me one, though, I won't judge you, but I also won't stop myself from giving you a dirty stare, you blasphemer, you son of a bitch.

That's right, God damn it!

At this time, I'd like to reiterate the fact that I'm not a racist, but fuck foreigners.
You motherfuckers come to my city during the holidays and crowd my trains, my streets, my stores, you don't respect personal space and you smell funny.
Fuck you guys with a bratwurst and a menorah and whatever the fuck you shove up your asses during the holidays, but thanks for your patronage!

F-UCK YOU!!!

Speaking of trains, can New York please create a fucking law that allows the use of special bounty hunters that travel around the subway system collecting and/or killing homeless and crazy people?

This guy's perfect for the job.

These scary and smelly sons of bitches need to be eradicated.
I'm tired of schizos yelling at the air and smelly ass bums sleeping on the seats, god damn it.
I get all the psychos when I travel, too, and nothing like having a fucking bum taking a shit in the train during rush hour.
Fuck those guys, you can kill them, grind them up into a delicious, healthy juice cocktail to serve to the other homeless people who give a damn about themselves and don't go on the trains asking for shit all the time.

Bullshit, I'm not buying it, shoot this bastard.

Please, this law must be passed, it will be a glorious time for NYC, so many bodies piled high.
Kill those guys that sing too, fuck them.

I gotta run, I'm hiding in the corner of a party getting dirty looks for being anti social and a complete asshole.

You motherfuckers behave yourselves, don't smoke any crack in 2012 or suck any dicks you shouldn't.