Emotionally spent, my wife and I sat down and talked about all that had happened. How I made myself emotionally inaccessible to her and our daughter, the obsessive behavior, the anger coming to a slow boil, everything. We decided I needed to make a list of things to watch out for and a list of reminders to stay in the here and now. I thought about it for a day and then typed it up on the computer. It sits next to the TV in the bedroom and I read it every day. I use it to remind myself of what my real priorities in life really are: My wife and my daughter. One of the things I discovered when I was thinking this all over was that I started really deteriorating at an accelerated pace when I stopped blogging. So, here I am - blogging my heart out.

This next part I hope fosters a lot of comments and discussion, especially in the PTSD community:

One of the major observations that my wife made during all of this was that she had to 'emotionally re-traumatize' me to get through to me. That may sound worse than it is, so let me explain. Dani said she thinks that the emotional trauma I experienced over in Iraq rewired my brain to only take notice of extreme emotions and emotional hurt. She had learned through this experience that the only way she can get through to me when I am submerged in my PTSD is to say something extreme or hurtful to snap me back to the here and now. She hates this more than anything. She can't stand that she has to hurt me to help me and is frustrated that she can't find another way to get through to me. I know we can't be alone in this. If you haven't thought about this before, think it over. Discuss it with your loved ones. Discuss it with each other. Discuss it with your doctors. There has to be some precedent that this has been addressed by someone somewhere. Let's work together to find a better solution to this - for us and our loved ones.

When I woke up one day in early February, my wife noticed I was in a bad mood. I proceeded to have a falling out with a close friend over text message and spun into a hot mess. I spent the rest of the day asleep or near catatonic. Dani couldn't get through to me. I slept until the late evening hours. Dani fed Caley and put her to bed. She then woke me up and asked me to come help with the dishes. We finished the dishes in silence. When the kitchen was cleaned up, Dani asked me to come out on the porch. She sat me down with a mug of coffee and asked me if I remembered what we had talked about doing if I ever decided to go sprinting down the rabbit hole again.

That question got my attention. What we had agreed upon was this: If I ever got to the point that my PTSD could emotionally traumatize our daughter, I had to leave until I got my life back together. I asked her how bad it was and she laid it out for me. She said she lost me to my PTSD right after Caley was born. She said that it was about March 2011 that she started to worry that I was headed in the wrong direction. She apparently expressed this concern on multiple occasions but I didn't hear her. She couldn't get through the trauma to reach me. She said the breaking point came with the fallout after a very stressful holiday season. She said it seemed like I was so obsessed about being a good provider that lost sight of everything else, including her and Caley. She said it was heart-breaking watching me work at being a good husband and loving father. She said when I am stable, I am the most amazing father any child could ask for and a very attentive husband. She followed that up with, "That's not who I see standing in front of me now".

*OH SHIT!* The fog lifted and I saw clearly for the first time in months. I looked at the hurt and concern on my wife's face and knew it was worse than she was saying. A little bit of me withered and died inside. It was surreal. I couldn't believe this was happening again. How did I get here? I looked back on the past months and the things I remembered clearly were the angry moments. The only lasting memories I had that gave me daily healing were the memories I had with my daughter. I remembered every little detail. What scared the hell out of me, was the memories felt like I was looking through clear glass, shouting feelings I felt but couldn't express. Caley was trying her best to console her distraught father.

The tears streaked down my face and I sagged in guild and utter anguish. I looked at my wife and I told her that I loved her with all of my heart. The look I got back strangely surprised me. It was one of relief, as if expressing how glad she was to had finally gotten through to me.

OK, so rather than waiting to post all of this as one big entry, I decided to break it up into parts:

Part 1: The Backstory

About year ago I had this wonderful idea to create an outlet for myself and start a webpage. I was successful and I decided to begin plugging it on Facebook. The more I got into learning about Search Engine Optimization and the effect of Facebook on website visibility, something amazing occurred: A support group was born on Facebook that grew into a community of hundreds in a few short months. I spent more and more time online, monitoring my Facebook Page, blogging, and responding to comments on my website. What had started off as an outlet soon absorbed my whole existence, eclipsing my passion for my family and my passion for my job. I was obsessed every second of every day. What I didn't realize was that I had created an environment where I was dependent upon virtual interaction for validation and succor. Addicted wouldn't be too strong a word. As with all obsessive PTSD behavior, it couldn't last. By July, I was exhausted mentally and physically. I had taken on being the personal support for anyone who asked - their gratitude was my heroin. As with any addict, there comes a point where it isn't possible to satisfy the hunger. I soon became frustrated with the 'slow' growth of my page and website (ummm, that should tell you right there how obsessed I was. By any measure, the success I had experienced since the website's inception should have made anyone happy). My frustration and irrational anger soon led to impatience with the people on my page. Rather than lash out at them, I disappeared. I stopped blogging and stopped going on Facebook at all. What was most reprehensible and tragic: I deleted the Facebook Page, violated the fragile trust of the people who had come to depend on the support, and sent myself into a very, very slow spiral into my worst nightmare.

I started feeling more and more depressed and less and less in touch with my emotions, my life, and my family. I work in retail and I hit rock bottom as soon as the holidays were over. I could barely contain disastrous anger at work. My obsession with my online existence bled over into my desire to better provide for my family. My current salary and position at work weren't satisfactory. I wasn't getting promoted fast enough. On the home front I had to 'work' at playing the part of loving husband and devoted father. I alienated almost everyone in my life. Things stayed like this until the middle of February when my wife gave me a wake-up call.

I woke up dangerously angry today. I don't know why. I don't know who I'm angry at or if I am angry with a situation. I can feel it boiling right beneath the surface and it won't go away. The is the angriest I have been in over two years. It's really disconcerting. I can't seem to focus on much. I am doing my best to avoid snapping at everyone and it is getting exhausting holding it back. I've examined what is going on at work and what is going on at home and there is nothing in either environment that I can tell is setting me off. One of my least favorite aspects of PTSD: Being angry for no reason at all.

So what do you do when you have to go to work and you have a family life and you are this angry? I remember one veteran in a support group saying that the anger was the biggest reason he 'self-medicated' with alcohol. I wouldn't ever consider that an option, even if I was single. I have a few more things I can try. I tried venting by playing Gears of War 3. That didn't work. I am going to sit down and watch Netflix with my wife and see if I can distract my mind long enough to let go of the anger. If that doesn't work, I'm going to lay down in bed and listen to music and try to fall asleep. Maybe tomorrow will introduce me to the 'right side' of the bed.

Well, I found out that my jaw is perfectly healthy. The jaw issues I have been having are muscular, from clenching too much when I get stressed or angry. The doc put me on a regimen of liquid diet for two weeks and muscle relaxers to give my jaw a break. It's worked wonders. Needless to say, the prospect of having to trust someone to put me under anesthetic let alone cut my jaw open was daunting. I didn't realize how amped up I was until after I got home and adrenalin dumped. It's not easy giving trust to someone you don't know. I think that's part of the reason that I haven't been to get a yearly check up since I got home. I think it's time to change that.

I recently had a veteran write me asking how other people cope with PTSD, TBI, and memory loss. I can tell you all how a work to cope with PTSD and memory loss:

PTSD: I keep aware of my emotional state at all times. I have a log of what behavior and environments exacerbate my PTSD. I try to always have an outlet to vent anger and frustration (i.e. - exercise and video gaming). I have created a very strong support network. I know a lot of vets don't have a strong support network. It is really important to surround yourself with people you trust who can support you and validate your feelings.

Memory Loss: My memory loss is short-term. I have a dry-erase board on the fridge. I have a to-do list on my phone. I am constantly asking myself if there is anything I have to get done. It helps with memory retention.

Those are the basics of how I cope. If anyone else has anything they would like to add, I would love for you to share it here!

Ok, so I am a little more stressed than I let on to family. I have been having a lot of problems with my jaw due to my bite. I consult with surgeons today to find out whether I need to have surgery to fix my bite today. Catastrophic thinking really got a hold on me last night and I had difficulty sleeping. What if the surgery is needed and I am out of work for too long and have to go on short-term disability? Will I be able to meet my financial obligations? What happens to us if I can't? And so on and so forth. It was not the most fun night I have had in a while and I didn't realize that I needed to take an extra dose of anxiety medication to help my brain shut down. Hopefully, if the surgery is necessary, the doctors will be able to put my mind at ease about it. Stay Tuned.

Two nights ago I had horrible nightmares, complete with nausea and hand washing. It was an exhausting night. What followed was even less fun: Total Apathy. My wife would ask me a question and I would say 'whatever'. I didn't care about anything, couldn't. I was completely empty of any emotion. For a bit, not even my beautiful daughter could evoke an emotional response.Caley was the one who eventually broke through. She kept on wanting Daddy Cuddles and she looked so miserable that I wasn't paying attention to her that I finally broke down and put her on my lap. We cuddled and I started feeling a sense of well-being again. Her love is so unconditional. I am still feeling emotionally distant today, but I'm getting there. I have today off and will sit down and reflect on this past weekend. Hopefully, that helps.

OK, I'm back and blogging. And my topic today hit with a wallop. Someone I knew died yesterday. He was in his early 20's. I had gotten used to seeing his face every day. Now I never will again. For obvious reasons, it brought right back to the forefront all of my least favorite memories and all of the trauma I experienced over in Iraq. Here's the killer, I had to pretend that everything was normal and that everything was OK. I was at work all day. I made it through most of the day before the anxiety caught up with me. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't write, couldn't type. I didn't have my anxiety medication with me either. It was a great feeling. I felt like an eight hundred pound gorilla was kneeling on my chest. It past quickly, but all I could do was stand there like a post and hope no one noticed (which, thankfully, they didn't). My wife had taken our daughter to visit her grandparents and didn't return home until later in the evening. That was a blessing. I was so scared that Caley would be able to sense there was something wrong. She it so aware of the emotional state of the loved ones around her, my intense emotional state would have scared her. So now I am sitting here up late in front of the computer when I have to manage the department in the morning. Woo.

As I said in the last post, I have been struggling to find a way to deal with the loss of my PTSD 'Fallout Shelter'. It has not been easy. I have tried a lot of different things and discussed different options with Dani and we have yet to come up with a solution that works. Here's what we've tried:

Researched Gamer Headsets: We found that the only gamer headsets that would not aggravate me (due to poor audio quality) were wired headsets or headsets that were out of my price range. I was testing out headsets that my friend has and discovered that wires were a really bad idea. One of my cats decided to bite through one of the cables...Also, Dani is legitimately concerned that I will use the headset to tune out everyone else and ignore my responsibilities. I explained to her that it's not a matter of ignoring my responsibilities as much as having a little time free of distractions to sort out my day. I do understand the concern that it would turn into an excuse and addictive 'numbing agent'. Verdict: No Go

Long Cycling Rides: Two Sundays ago, a buddy came up to visit and we went for a 25 mile ride. It was cathartic and exhausting at the same time. I loved it. We followed that up with another 25 mile ride this past Sunday. It definitely improved my mood and outlook. One little problem: I haven't been able to find the motivation to go by myself after work...This is problematic. My instincts are telling me that this is a motivational barrier I have to work through. I have a good feeling about the outcome, once I can coerce myself to overcome my reservations about riding alone. Verdict: Jury's Still Out

It has been an interesting struggle. I still want to get back into the gym, but life always seems to conspire against that happening. I get frustrated that I can't and I get frustrated that I am not losing weight and it causes my PTSD to flare up even worse. Overall, being aware of what is happening to me has been helpful, but it has not been easy. Nor have I been successful all of the time. I will go from loving daddy to apathetic bump on the couch with little to no warning - it tears my heart out sometimes that I don't have the emotional energy to show my daughter every minute of every day that I love her. I am going to continue to plug away at this and see where it goes. Hopefully we will come up with something soon.

Note: This website offers links to resources and venues for veterans to discuss PTSD. Any opinions expressed herein are solely the opinions of the website administration and are not a substitute or supplement for professional treatment.