Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Road Bi-sucklers

warning: anti-bicycling musings aheadOkay, I get that there is a lot of pressure to dress in madly matched printed spandex clothing, strap on a helmet that MIGHT save your bean if you're going 5 miles an hour on grass, put a tiny little seat up your ass and then ride 60 miles on a road barely wide enough for 1 car with no bike lane. I'm one hundred percent supportive of this sport. What I am NOT supportive of is the fucking attitude that accompanies said sport....(was that my outside voice)? Am I to be treated as less because I'm in a car wearing regular person clothing? Do you think you are going the speed limit or perhaps "Share the Road" is an epithet only for carlubbers. Is road biking an adrenaline, life risking sport? Is it part of cycling etiquette to ride 3 miles an hour, 6 abreast, and turn to give me dirty looks because I CAN'T PASS YOU ON THE BLIND CORNER? Do you think I'm tailgating you, because I'm not THIS IS AS SLOW AS MY CAR GOES!People, I try to share the road, I know Cartwipple is a "kick ass awesome road" to train on. I get that, what I don't get is why that stupid little helmet shrinks your brain and erases all memories of WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A CAR. I know, that every single one of you had to drive to Stepford to pick up your "sooper cool kick ass awesome" bikes and squeeze into that fugly spandex uniform, so get over your bad ass self, dial down the Lycra, and get in single file. Your life expectancy just might improve.

AMEN Sister!!They're all about being respected, yet, frankly, ride like assholes. I get that there's sand and rocks in the bike lane, so they couldn't possibly use it! But then they go and ride 3 across, and flip me off when I go around, after I've been behind them for 1 curvey mile. I've often wondered what would happen if I stopped at the top of hill and waited to have a "chat" with them.

yeah, whatever! it's lunatic barbie wannabees like you that put on your pancake makeup while taking up the entire roadway in your fucken Hummer!

As for the spandex remark, there are more fat assed Barbies living in overpriced subdivisions who squeeze themselves inside lycra on their way to Wendy's for the burger & bacon special (at the drive-thru window).

So while you vent that nasty attitude at cyclists, do you give any thought to the fact that you are the cause of global warming. I don't mean due to your Hummer in overdrive, I mean the hot air coming from your bogus opinion.

Oh buddy! You are a man after my own heart.(oh, and if you are a woman...I do go both ways you know) After I go get a double bacon cheeseburger at Wendy's in my Hummer, can I stop by your place? I promise it won't take me THAT long to squeeze out of my lycra.

I especially like the cyclists that DRIVE to Mayberry before getting on their bikes. God forbid they actually cycle here.