Look, Sony, we need to talk. Sure, we’ve had some fun together in the past—Sam Raimi’sSpider-Man was a lot of fun, and yes, our relationship got much more serious and far deeper with his Spider-Man 2… but then came Spider-Man 3, and things got kind of weird, and a little uncomfortable. So we decided to take a break.

But then, hey, The Amazing Spider-Man happened, and sure, maybe we thought it was a little too soon for us to be seeing each other again, but we gave it our best shot. And, frankly, it just didn’t work out. It felt like a mediocre version of our first time together, and who wants that, you know? But here you are again, with The Amazing Spider-Man 2. And you keep calling and calling and texting and texting and emailing and emailing, constantly sending trailers, teasers, teasers for trailers, and so many movie clips that we can essentially stitch the entire film together from the clips alone.

Look, Sony, we get it—you’re desperate, desperate, desperate to get us back for The Amazing Spider-Man 2. You’re panicking because you have plans for a family—The Amazing Spider-Man 3, Venom, The Sinister Six, we get it. You see your friends Disney with their Avengers family, and now Warner Bros. is clearly getting a Justice League brood. But honestly, have a little dignity, ok? We’ll see the damn thing. Just quit trying so hard.