If a child falls in the forest, does anyone hear him scream?

Recently I met up with a friend with the intention of taking our children on a fully wholesome and healthy adventure. And of course it was, but boy am I rubbish at being even vaguely outdoorsy.

We were headed to a unique attraction in Limpsfield Chart, near the Kent/Surrey border. I’d heard about it around town from other mums – a number of Beatrix Potter inspired dens in the forest. It sounded magical. And before I go any further, it really was. There were perfect little diminutive animal houses, including Fox Villa, Badger Barracks, Hedgehog Hall and, best of all, Peter Rabbit’s Post Office.

But damn was it hard work with a 4-year-old and a toddler. So here are a few tips, gleaned from painful experience, to make your visit easier.

Tip 1: Don’t get lost

First of all, I got lost finding it. It’s not super easy to find. I’d duly looked up a postcode before I left the house and then failed to bring it with me. I tried to look it up on my phone but I had no signal. So plan to go to Ridlands Grove Car Park in RH8 0SS. Write that down on a good old-fashioned piece of paper and remember to bring it with you! If you don’t have a sat nav, I suggest having a nice long look at Google Maps before you go, maybe make yourself a nice little sketch.

Tip 2: Owls live in trees

Near the car park, there is a sign that says “Owl’s House” with a sort of diagonal pointing arrow. We thought the arrow was trying to tell us which path to take through the forest, as there were no other instructions there. We later realised that we were supposed to look directly up into a tree, in the direction of the arrow, to see Owl’s House. Duh! This is where sleep deprivation gets you.

Our kids all ran in the opposite direction to the arrow anyway, just for kicks and giggles.

Exploring is great, but if your kids have little legs and are easily tired, or you’re hoping to get to the local off-licence before it closes, take the path that goes off to your right as you’re walking towards the woods from the car park. It will get you to the good stuff a lot sooner.

Tip 3: All-terrain buggies…

…absolutely, positively cannot roll over fallen tree branches in any way whatsoever. Do not attempt it. If you have a buggy, stay on the path or bring a saw, because you will certainly get stuck. A non-all-terrain buggy has no chance.

Tip 4: Clumsiness

I’m the sort of person who bumps my hip on the corner of the kitchen worktop pretty much every time I walk past it, and my 4-year-old takes after me. Eldest tends to trip over his own two feet or fall off of nothing at least once a day. He SCREAMED when he couldn’t keep up with the other children. He SCREAMED because in trying to catch up he tripped and fell on his face. And then he would try to climb on some pile of tree branches, which more than once resulted in him SCREAMING while suspended upside down by his feet with his head stuck between two sticks. I’m not entirely sure how to avoid this problem or prepare for coping with it. Maybe some earplugs.

Tip 5: Don’t believe everything you hear

The postbox is much smaller than a welly boot

Now I was sure I’d heard that if you put a letter in Peter Rabbit’s Post Box, you’ll get a note back. So we spent some time writing one, but when we got there, we found that the postbox was so small only a note written on a single square of toilet roll would have made it through. I let Eldest cram the note partially in until he lost interest, then hid his letter in the buggy.

Tip 6: SNACKS

I know you probably wouldn’t leave the house without snacks anyway, but I just had to mention it. At one point my son just sat down in despair and the half-squashed Nutri-Grain bar I handed him truly saved the day.

But all this said, it really is a fantastic free day out. My friend and I went home with the knowledge that the children had exercised, that they’d learned about nature, and that it was nearly wine o’clock.