Mittens and Dixon Coltrane are around again this issue to meet all
your prediction and man’s man-ing needs.

Page 5 – What’s On

Chloé Duane gets to grips with the Festival of Irish Design at
Project 51 as she speaks to the organisers and some of the artists
featured.

Page 6 – Fashion

Fashion this week brings you everything you need to know to make
you look suitably hot and sexy at the UCD Ball, or indeed, whatever
festival takes your fancy this summer, while Sophie Lioe takes a
look at the rights of underage models in the fashion industry.

Page 9 – Food

Aisling Daly shows you how feng shui principles can be used to
make your dining experiences the best they can be, while Elaine
Lavery shows you how to make your own ice-cream. Don’t mind
the rain and, er, snow.

Page 10 – Travel

Travel discovers some of the wonders of the world to be found
in Peru and China, while this issue’s Hidden Gem takes us to a
revolving restaurant up a mountain in Switzerland.

Page 12 – Games & Technology

Conor O’Nolan and Steven Balbirnie take a look at Resident Evil:
Operation Racoon City and Silent Hill: Downpour respectively, and
we talk to the Telltale Games to get the skinny on the new Walking
Dead game adaption.

Page 14 – Film & TV

Mirror, Mirror, Damsels in Distress, and Cop to the Future and
Back III: No Subtitle Necessary are all very real films that get the
once over in this issue, while Dermot O’Rourke examines Englishspeaking audiences’ apathy towards foreign-language films.
We speak to Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan and the Fatal
Foursome battle it out to find the best of the best this year.

Page 20 – Music

Magnetic Fields, Buzzcocks and Avicii are all looking lovely in Music
this issue. Mixtape brings you the greatest of sixth year summer
holiday hits; we review some of this fortnight’s biggest albums, and
The Duffington Post gets all sentimental in the final instalment.

Page 25 – Special Features

Jon Hozier-Byrne chats to Maria Bamford, one of the best
comedians of her generation, and one of the greatest female
comedians of all-time.

Page 26 – Otwo Attempts

Forget One Direction, Boyz R Us have landed. If you weren’t
bored of being told what makes you beautiful already, you
definitely will be once you’ve taken one look at the Boyz.
Totez heartthrobs.

Page 28 – Backpage Bants

The wonderful Glen Coco Experience took time out to take our
Ordinary Level exam, while Tadhg Dolan goes looking for your
worst UCD Ball experiences.
2

Issue 12 – A Full Measure of Good Feeling
Rawr,

incredible job. You’ve produced
some inspired features this year, as
Welcome to the final issue of this
well as your ever-hilarious entries
volume of Otwo. We know, we
in Fatal Fourway, which in itself
know, we’re sad too, but control
has been a strong addition to the
yourselves! We know you’ve spent
section. Also, you’re the soundest
every second Tuesday eagerly anman in the world.
ticipating the moment Otwo would
Cormac, though many jokes
hit campus so you could tear off
have been made about your
that annoying wrapper with serious hipster tendencies, your work is
stuff written on it, and get to the
consistently articulate, erudite,
good bit, but it’s okay, we’ll be back and always a joy to read. We knew
next semester, and until then, you
the music section was safe in your
can re-read Mittens’ predictions
hands long before production
as you please; they’ll probably still
began on Issue One, and you have
be just as accurate as they were the
not let us down since.
first time you read them.
Conor O’Toole, you are a
Before we sign off, we’d like to
genius in every way. Thank you
recognise the many people who have for putting up with our blatant
made this volume of Otwo a reality.
disregard for word counts, our
Elaine, we know travel wasn’t really
constant demands for you to
your bag at the beginning of the year, italicise things, and for not crying
and that your culinary genius is really when we asked you to design
where your talents lie, but you have
a flowchart. Otwo has looked
embraced both whole-heartedly and amazing, and you’re a bit of a hero.
it has really made Food and Travel
Jon and Kate, you cannot comstand out this year.
prehend how much your unwaverSophie, you truly have an eye for ing support has meant to us, both
fashion; not only have your articles
through every Kevin and in life
proved thought-provoking and
in general. Your trust, friendship
entertaining, your shoots are never
and wisdom have proved invaluless than beautiful. Yourself and
able this year, and we’re incredibly
Caoimhe make an incredible team
grateful. Thank you for everything.
and opening the email with the
To anyone who has contributed
photos every fortnight is something throughout the year, we have loved
we’ve come to look forward to a
having you. Without you, our
huge amount.
jobs would be considerably more
Steven, though you have only
difficult, and we are very grateful
recently become Chief Games
that you take the time to write
Writer, you were exceeding all
for us. To our readers, without
reasonable expectations long
you, this whole endeavour would
before that. With your insightful
be largely pointless. Whether you
reviews and impressively
read us cover to cover, or just flick
knowledgeable features, you have
to Mittens or Mixtape, we hope
been integral to the progression of
we have kept you entertained
the games section, and we couldn’t
throughout the year. Enjoy the last
have done it without you.
of our efforts, and Otwo will see
Dermot, filling Jon’s shoes is
you again in September.
not an enviable task, not least with
XOXO
him watching over you from the
Editor’s desk, but you’ve done an
Aoife and George

i’m at bra-king poin

t

What’s hot and what’s not

What’s Hot
TOMS Eyewear

OTWO

soapbox

Sick of the sight of lingerie
departments, Kate Rothwell
gets a few issues with bra
shopping off her chest

TOMS, the company who established the ‘One for One’
movement, where you buy a pair of shoes and the company
donates a pair to a child in the developing world, are now
branching out into eyewear. The same business model
applies to the sunglasses, except presumably being aware
that sunglasses aren’t high on the wishlist of any child in
the developing world, TOMS are instead offering eye-saving surgery, medical treatment or
prescription glasses. Saving people’s sight in exchange for pretty things? Yes, please.

New Burger King Ad Campaign

Burger King seem to have quite an eccentric marketing team,
and not always in a good way. The “It’ll blow your mind” ad
with the not-subtle-at-all blow job innuendo was not wellreceived by anyone, particularly women, and it seems their
latest campaign is trying to be cute enough to rectify that. It
works; eyeshadow burger is amazing. You win, Burger King.

The Office

This is quite possibly the University Observer’s last production
cycle spent in the Windowless Office of Doom, and we’ll miss
this tiny, cramped, unbearably hot, airless little room quite a bit.
Full of eighteen years worth of nonsense and junk we’ve acquired
and had for so long that we don’t really know how it ever came
to be anymore, plus the Macs that never get a break, not to
mention the too large a team for such a small room, the two
pityful fans do very little to help with how hot the office really is.

What’s Not
USI Congress

Twitter feeds everywhere last week were clogged full of
hacks updating from USI Congress as they tried to get
#USI12 to trend. Shouting about the many seemingly
pointless and irrelevant motions for a delegation of students
to be debating, and patting each other virtually on the back
as a prelude to the circle-jerk that seemed to be the galadinner, all to not even be able to vote to decide USI’s stance
on fees? Anyone who thought class rep training was a waste
of money should take a look at what goes on at Congress.

Snaicials

It would seem the world has decided it’s perfectly cool not
to be entirely grossed out by the idea of snails crawling across
their face, in a bid for amazing, youthful looking skin. We
may have accepted the fish pedicure as not being as mental an
idea as it first seemed, but snails can keep their wrinkle and
scar healing slimy qualities; it’s still disgusting.

tins

As the ultimate abuser of slang words, or words that just
aren’t really words at all, and insisting they be printed as
if they exist, as well as being the purveyor or hotness and
notness, this writer is in a unique position and is able to
declare that the word ‘tins’ is an abomination and is simply
not a thing. Talk about the totez awky mo mo when you
think you can just use it like it’s a thing. You can’t, not
without being so Not right now. So there.
by Aoife Valentine

S

ome might say that an article examining
the irritating aspects of shopping for an
item of women’s clothing is a little exclusionist, but I beg to differ. Plenty of men
have issues with bra shopping – those who are
dragged along on lingerie-related expeditions by
misguided female friends or girlfriends, those
who curse a girl’s purchase of a tightly fastened,
three-hooked model, and those who take the illadvised plunge and decide to buy some sort of
undergarment for their other half. You should
know before you get to the point of saying to the
sales assistant “About your size, maybe a bit bigger” that this is a poor way of showing your affection, but I digress.
You would imagine that bra shopping would
be something that women could revel in the ultimate femininity of, but sadly this is not often
the case. After you’ve gotten past the mortifying
experience of a disinterested fitter lassoing you
with a measuring tape and declaring ‘One up in
the back, one down in the front, that’s the way it
goes’ you can rest assured that you won’t be feeling too full of the voluptuous joys of your gender.
Now for the shopping itself. Forget trying
to choose between the styles of ‘skanky’ and
‘granny lace’, first of all you need to ensure that
the shop even bothers to stock your size. There
are some sizes that those in the bra manufacturing industry have clearly conspired against,
ensuring that anyone cursed with such sizes
are doomed to pay upwards of thirty euro for a
piece of clothing that covers approximately five
per cent of their body, while those who happen
to have grown into a more favourable size can
pick up a bra for a fiver any day of the week in
Penneys. You’d think that these restrictions
might apply only to those at the extreme ends
of the small to big boobs scale, but no – a small
back size coupled with a large cup or vice versa
will also ensure that you spend your underwear
budget in Debenhams. Hopefully you didn’t plan
on buying a bra more than once a year; these are
long-term investments, presumably to be passed
on to your children’s children.
And just when you think you’ve found a soulmate for your chest – not luminous or overly lacy,
not bound to make its presence known underneath
a t-shirt – you pick it up and realise that it already
seems to contain more padding than a real breast.
From chicken fillets to foam, there are many ways
to achieve your Wondercleavage. You’re actually
quite happy with size, you say? You just want a
plain, unpadded, unfussy undergarment? In that
3
case, give up now, and burn your bras.

OTWO

Mystic Mittens’ feline fortunes
Taurus

May 14th – June 21st
Here, stop pretending that you
will continue to read or write in
any capacity this summer and save
yourself a lot of guilt.

Gemini

Before Mittens heads off
on holiday for some feline
fun, she’s here one last
time to reveal her summer
predictions

June 22nd – July 20th
I foresee a few games of football,
some lolling about on the beach,
romances based on the mass
consumption of 99s... Oh wait, no,
there’s rain; lots and lots of rain.
Disregard everything I just predicted,
Gemini, and pack a brolly.

Cancer

Leo

April 19th - May 13th

You should avoid the Balkans,
i.e. yeast infection central, while
InterRailing.

Dear Dixon,
I’m hoping you can help a dame out. As
the college year comes to an end and
I’m expected to hop skip it into the real
world for good, I’ve been feeling mighty
blue. The smarts I picked up in the
Physics department sure as hell haven’t
prepared me for life, let alone a career.
I need to make some bread quick smart,
and right now the best I can hope for is
to find me a daddy and shake my cans
for a fistful of fives. What’s a poorly
educated oddball to do?
Yours,
That girl from Wyclef
Jean’s ‘Perfect Gentlemen’

Listen here, That Girl from Wyclef
Jean’s ‘Perfect Gentleman’,
Saying that long goodbye is never
easy. Whether it’s goodbye to the
detective life, like ‘Hounded’ in Issue
XI, goodbye to your fledgling friendships, like ‘Ginger Ballz’ in Issue X,
or even goodbye to a domineering
dame, like ‘Jack’s Raging Bile Duct’,
all the way back in Issue I – goodbyes are never easy. Saying that
long, bittersweet goodbye to your
adolescence, that’s a goodbye that
sticks like molasses in your throat
and stings like a thick, bitter smoke
in your eyes.
So, you have to drop the babydoll
4

September 17th – October 30th
Best. Summer. Ever. You’ll meet a
guy as he’s splashing around in the
ocean and enjoy a whirlwind romance,
before you transfer to his educational
institute next semester and have to
undergo a makeover to win his heart.
Oh no, that’s Grease; that’s definitely
Grease.

Libra

October 31st – November 23rd
You’ll probably rewatch The OC at
some point in lieu of beach-adjacent
shenanigans and young person angst.

Sagittarius

December 18th - January 20th
Your holiday to some non-descript
Greek/Spanish island will end in
financial ruin and a miraculous
boating accident.

Capricorn

January 21st – February 16th
You’ll get a job and end up asking
yourself ‘what summer?’

Aquarius

July 21st – August 10th
Cancer. Man, that’s an unfortunate
name.

Aries

Virgo

August 11th – September 16th
Once you get past these exams, the
world will be your oyster. It’s a shame
you’ll discover that nasty allergy you
have to them in June.

Scorpio

November 24th – November 29th
You have never, nor will you ever,
tan. Your skin shade this summer lies
somewhere between a rich fuchsia
and danger red.

February 17th – March 11th
You won’t get a job and find yourself
with no money to fund your summer,
and ask yourself ‘what summer’?

Pisces

Ophiuchus

November 30th – December 17th

You will die. How? I don’t care.

March 12th – April 18th
Watch out for European sex
traffickers, not the most savoury of
folk.

Leave your questions for
the dashing detective on the
Dixon Coltrane Facebook page

act, go out into the big bad, and see
if you’ll sink or swim in the deep blue
ocean of perpetual unemployment.
But hey, don’t dampen those daisy
cheeks, it ain’t all gone to hash in a
Harlem hack house, not quite yet.
Sure, everybody’s wallets are lighter
than bulimic rice cakes, but that
doesn’t mean you have to debase
yourself for jiving Johns in gin-jam
jizz joints; remember, just because
you’re dancing go-go, that don’t
make you a ho, no. Like Simba in the
straight-to-video Lion King sequel,
you have your pride.
You say you’re an oddball who’s
doomed to a life on the skank, but
look at me; I’m an oddball, I’m a
quite possibly time-travelling detective who writes advice columns for a
student newspaper, and I’m riding
a fat hog all the way to Moneytown,
where the streets are paved with
even fatter hogs. I’ll give you the
same encouragement my doctor gave

Dixon Coltrane
Real Men Smoke
on Airplanes
me after I finally got the all-clear for
Hepatitis; “you can do it!”
My best advice; give it a few
months. Pin on your best diapers,
and get out there. There are jobs out
there to be had, and even if there
isn’t the job you want open right now,
hey, people have to die sometime.
After all, your name is Hope, yo. If
you still can’t get a job, it’s time to
up sticks and blow this backwater.
Maybe you can stay at my place in
Moneytown until you find your feet.
Saying goodbye is never easy. This

has been a long year of ups and
downs, highs and lows, and shuffles
to both the left and the right. I tip
my lid to all the hardboiled dicks and
dolled up dames who’ve written in to
me this year; I’ve loved every letter,
and every letter of every word. Just
remember, be strong, be a man, and
most of all, use frequent and inappropriate alliteration. If you ever need
me, just whistle. You know how to
whistle, don’t you? You just put your
lips together, and blow a guy.
That really is the rub,
Dixon Coltrane

OTWO

Festival of
Irish Design

A

As a range of up-and-coming Irish designers
display their innovative work in Project 51’s
Festival of Irish Design, Chloé Duane gets an
insight from the artists and organisers behind
the exhibition

fter a weekend spent
gorging yourself on
Easter chocolate, you
may want to sink your
teeth into something a
bit more substantial. So it is fitting
that the Festival of Irish Design at
Project 51, which showcases various
types of Irish crafts, has now been
Woodwork by Hugh Cummins
extended to run through April.
The festival is a celebration
of Irish craft, with sixteen Irish
designers being given the opportunity to showcase their work until
College of Art and Design studyHe reflects on his time in UCD
the end of the festival on April 30th.
ing ceramics. Her ceramic cups,
as one that was beneficial to him.
Project 51, which was established
based on the shape of polystyrene
“Philosophy and Logic were my
in 2011 and has been home to the
disposable cups found in canteens
disciplines, which I found very
Festival since it opened on March
across the world and thrown away
helpful in getting back to the roots
3rd, is based on an international
after one use without a second
of things, getting back to origins
model and has had great success
thought, are her contribution to the
of the way people thought about
in its first year, with over eightyshowcase and provide a comment
things and how things emerge over
five applications for the sixteen
on the disposable nature of society.
time. So I suppose I am still doing
spaces, according to festival director “Disposable cartons and disposable
that but now with wood rather
Eoin McDonnell. He goes on to
cutlery have become a huge part
than concepts.” He creates one-off
say that the artists featured in the
of our lives, and you just use them
handcrafted decorative forms using
exhibition are from “early twenties
without thinking about it, so I have
wood veneers and has continued
to late fifties and a contain huge
started to make some things that
to explore the possibilities and
broad variety of design styles.” The
resemble them but weren’t quite
boundaries of this innovative
variety of goods available for view
so disposable. They are cute little
process, believing there is more to
and purchase include handmade
things that also make you think
discover. “The range of work I am
jewellery made of silk, cotton or
slightly as you are using them about
exploring is very new to the market.
glass beads, fashion, ceramic goods,
what you do throw away, and perPeople haven’t seen anything like it
and wood furniture. The diverse
haps how much.”
before – they are finer pieces.”
selection of items is sure to be the
Another artist featuring in the
Don’t be put off by the words
highlight of the exhibition, ensuring
festival is UCD alumnus Hugh
‘handmade’ or ‘Irish craft’ – even
that the festival is perfect for young
Cummins. He works with wood
students can afford to purchase
and old. “You will see people’s eyes
to create exciting furniture pieces
something from this exhibition.
open wide; it’s such a broad range of
including tables, decorative pieces
Works start at just eleven euro with
pieces … you can say there is someand lighting. “The platters that I
Rachel Rothwell’s pieces and builds
thing for everyone,” says McDonnell. have on display in Project 51 are
up to pieces of jewellery, which all
The festival allows designers of all
pushing the boundaries of what can
fall within the range of thirty-five to
kinds to reach a larger audience and
be done with thin slices of wood
sixty euro. Some of the large designs
progress in their own careers by doand they take their own shapes, as it will set you back a pretty penny but
ing so. So for any art lovers out there, were, in the way that I hand mould
with such special pieces on display,
or anyone wanting to support Irish
them.”
they are well worth the splurge.
craft, this is the ideal place for you
to drop by.
The pieces available are unique
and one of a kind, created using
organic materials. Some of the
more unusual materials include the
rodent bones and horsehair used by
designer Daniela Cardillo, a recent
NCAD graduate, who became
involved in the festival after being
approached by the Crafts Council of
Ireland. She states that her pieces
of jewellery are “not a reminder
of death, but an alteration of it,
through which I attempt to vitalise
past life fragments.
“The hair weaving technique
stems from historic Victorian
mourning jewellery, and the bones
are first electro-formed then gold
plated, each pieces encasing relics
of a previous life.”
One of the youngest designers
in the showcase is Rachel Rothwell,
a final year student of Limerick
Ceramics by Rachel Rothwell Photographer: Caoimhe McDonnell

Jewellery by Daniela Cardillo

The Festival of Irish Design
runs until April 30th, with the
exhibition open from Tuesday to
Saturday throughout the month
at Project 51, 51 South William
Street, Dublin 2.

hether it’s the UCD Ball or
some far-flung European beach
festival, the time has finally
come to whip out the shorts,
grab your sunglasses, and throw
yourself into that mosh pit. Here we have Otwo’s
guide to festival dressing, and just because it’s
going to get muddy doesn’t mean that you can
forget about looking good enough to sneak into
the VIP tent. Shorts are a festival essential, and
denim always works, whether it’s distressed and
tie-died or classic and clean-cut. Tried and tested
by us all during those rainy Oxegens, they work
whatever the weather and when teamed with some
bright wellies, you’ll be prepared for whatever
happens. Layers on top are essential for a sudden
shower or to stop the sun from burning your
skin while you’re too busy singing along to your
favourite song. Keep your look slightly grungy and
boyish to avoid looking too overdressed among
the thousands of music-and-camping lovers,
even if all you want is to find a plug for your hair
straighteners. Oversized tee’s are super-versatile;
just roll the sleeves up, or even cut them off to
add a hint of rock’n’roll to your outfit. Then layer
up with shirts and zippies to keep it casual and
practical. If the stink of the portaloos and junkfood bingeing is too much, reclaim your femininity

Fashion OTWO

with some bright accessories. Paint your nails
rainbow colours, throw some glitter on your face
and have a different pair of sunglasses for every
Laura wears:
day you’re there. All shapes and colours work well
Denim top · €30 · A|wear at festivals, where really anything goes. Jewellery
Skirt · €45 · A|wear
is also an easy way to add a touch of glamour, so
Boots · €29.99 · New Look stack the bracelets high and throw some bright
necklaces over your festival lanyard.
Bright colours and tribal patterns are a
guaranteed hit at festivals; a hippy vibe is always
rife wherever there’s a collection of people in
the midst of tents and beer. Florals also work for
a more girlie interpretation of festival fashion.
Whether they’re printed on your shorts or coming
out of your hair, anything with a floral print is
instantly refreshing and pretty against a backdrop
of mud and mayhem.
Although a summer dress may seem like an
unlikely inclusion in any festival wardrobe, the high
street has some great versatile dresses that would
definitely survive any festival. Easy to wear, and
a cool alternative to shorts, cotton dresses in any
number of popping colours and clashing patterns
are available. Team with a denim jacket or an oversized shirt and any dress can be transformed into a
festival favourite.
So enough about what to wear – go grab a pint,
catch your favourite band and enjoy!
by Sophie Lioe

A Model Example?
In light of a few
recent, controversial
cases, Sophie Lioe
explores the growing
debate over models’
rights and the efforts
to increase awareness
of their existence

B

eing a fashion model is all ing store Urban Outfitters were
about glamorous parties, being sued by the parents of a sixfree designer clothes and teen-year-old American model for
not being able to help be- twenty-eight million dollars. Haiing beautiful, right? Un- ley Clauson is proving to be a bright
beknownst to us mortals, the mod- new star in the industry, walking
elling industry does in fact have a for the likes of Calvin Klein and Didark side. We’ve all heard about the ane Von Furstenberg. The images
constant pressure to be skinny and that Clauson’s parents are suing
the wrath of bitchy fashion world over, however, were taken when
individuals, but we may not be so she was fifteen and are described
familiar with stories of sexual har- in the lawsuit as “salacious”. The
assment and the constant disregard photographer, Jason Lee Perry,
for child labour laws. Modelling is was never given the permission to
one of the most unregulated of all publish them, and so Urban Outfitemployment industries, meaning ters were never allowed to splay the
there is a huge risk of vulnerable images across their t-shirts. The isyoung models being taken advan- sue of models’ rights comes to the
tage of. It is for this reason that fore here – was she being taken
fashion model Sara Ziff, aged twen- advantage of by big hitters in the
ty-nine, who has been working in industry who were preying on her
the industry since the age of four- vulnerability and using her lack of
teen, has set up the Model Alliance, experience solely for the purpose of
a unique workers’ rights union spe- getting that perfect image?
cifically for the modelling industry.
So why then did her parents
Although there does seem to be a agree to the shoot and attend it;
tendency to dismiss the problems surely they would have presented
and rights of those who work in this their worries at the time and preexclusive and glamorous world as vented any images which they
frivolous, in Ziff’s words, “There’s deem as inappropriate being made?
nothing funny about a work force Whatever the reason for this, the
that is overwhelmingly young, fe- age of the model involved is the
male, and impoverished, working point in question; should there be
for some of fashion’s wealthiest, more stringent guidelines when
most powerful brands.” The power it comes to the age of models and
imbalance here is strikingly clear. the editorials for which they are
The announcement was made booked? Age limits have been introahead of New York Fashion Week duced by CFDA for fashion weeks
in February and was endorsed by in order to protect the exploitation
top models such as Coco Rocha and of underage workers; no one under
Doutzen Kroes. The initiative is sixteen can walk in a runway show.
supported by the Council of Fash- Coincidently enough, Clauson was
ion Designers of America (CFDA) the subject of controversy in this
and has been welcomed by industry regard after it was exposed that
professionals across the world.
she was walking in fashion week
The establishment of the Model runway shows before her sixteenth
Alliance came only a few months birthday; she was even walking at
after news broke that the cloth- shows of the CFDA President Von
8
Furstenberg. An increase in the

stringency of guidelines and rules
for the modelling industry has undoubtedly modernised the occupation and provided it with muchneeded regulation, but whether
these rules will be honoured by
companies and individuals is still
in question, and it appears that perhaps the industry is only changing
on a superficial level.
The Model Alliance is a project
not unlike the Model Sanctuary
created by British supermodel Erin
O’Connor in 2007 – a space set up
for models during London Fashion
Week. According to O’Connor, the
project was set up “in response
to concerns of model health and
negative portrayals of the industry
in some corners of the media, the
initial aim of the Model Sanctuary
was to increase access to health
guidance and support and, in general, to benefit models in a way that
will be useful to them during their

career in fashion.” Clearly, rights
awareness is on the rise and an
increasing amount of emphasis is
being placed on the wellbeing and
welfare of those involved in this
high-pressure job.
So while whether the Clauson
family will win their court case
against Urban Outfitters and Perry
remains to be seen, the question
of whether this is a models’ rights
issue or merely a copyright war is
still unanswerable. What is certain,
however, is that the modelling industry is finally catching up in regard to employment rights. What is
normally cast behind the flashing
lights and mystique that goes with
such a glamorised industry is now
being brought into the spotlight, to
the advantage of all those who could
so easily slip through the cracks and
find themselves at the bottom of one
of the most extreme hierarchies in
any creative industry.

Food OTWO

The
Feng Shui NOM
of Food NOM
NOM

with Elaine Lavery

Homemade Ice-Cream

Aisling Daly looks at
how an old Chinese
practice can team up
with food to improve
your quality of life

From Swiss photographer and comedian Ursus Wehrli’s
collection The Art of Tidying Up

F

eng shui, an ancient Chinese art and
spiritual pursuit developed over
3,000 years ago, is the complex practice of organising your environment
in order to bring about a positive balance of energy which will assure health and
prosperity in life. The art of feng shui, however,
need not be limited to rearranging the furniture
in your bedroom or cleaning the rubbish off
your desk. If you think about it, food and feng
shui can go hand in hand, as you can apply it to
the way you arrange your meals in order to enhance positive energy and well-being. Elemental balance, Yin and Yang balance, and Aromatherapy are all important aspects of both feng
shui and food.
Elemental balance in food can be achieved
through the combination of colours, just as one
may try to achieve elemental balance in a room
with colour through feng shui. A plate full of
food of the same colour can look pretty bland
and can therefore create an air of negative energy, so a stir-fry made with different coloured
peppers, tomatoes, and red onion would be a
much better choice, and a sign of a healthy diet.
You don’t have to eat the rainbow at every mealtime, but incorporating a little more colour and
variety in your diet will go a long way towards
boosting your feng shui.
The concept of Yin and Yang can also apply
to your diet. In Chinese philosophy, Yin and
Yang describes how in the natural world, seemingly polar opposites are interconnected and
therefore complement each other. The balance
of these two opposites leads to a perfect balance
of energy and is therefore an essential aspect of
feng shui. In terms of food, Yin would be associated with milder flavours, while Yang would
be associated with more robust flavours. Many

Chinese recipes available at your local takeaway
are already aware of the significance of Yin and
Yang. Sweet and sour, as well as strong flavoured
dishes served with plain rice, are all examples
that adhere to this type of balance.
It is important to get the balance of flavours
right in cooking these dishes, as a meal that is
too spicy or too mild can endanger your balance
of energy. However, Yin and Yang is not only relevant to the contrast of flavours; it can also be
applied to the balance of soft foods with crunchy
or crisp foods. A plate full of crunchy food could
tire the mouth, while a plate full of nothing but
soft or delicate food may be unfulfilling, so a balance of these two extremes can help your Feng
Shui. It’s no wonder Tayto sandwiches taste like
heaven.
Aromatherapy is very important in the art of
feng shui, since the sense of smell can be quite
influential when it comes to enhancing you
mood and subsequent air of positive energy. One
of the many simple pleasures in life is the smell
of delicious food cooking. Aromatic seasonings
like garlic, pepper, scallions, ginger and chillies
can be added to your meal at the beginning of
the cooking process so they can both complement the flavours of the main ingredients and
fill the kitchen with a pleasant aroma. These appealing smells rid the home of negative energy
and fill them with positive energy.
In ancient China, the kitchen was considered
the heart of the home, and the incorporation of
feng shui into your diet can turn your kitchen
into a more inviting and pleasurable living space,
as it fills it with the positive energy that will ultimately enhance your happiness and prosperity. Whether you believe in any of this or not, it
can be agreed that these feng shui tips can make
mealtimes a tastier and healthier experience.

M

y love affair with ice-cream
started early. The first time I
ever tasted some was under the
Eiffel Tower at six months old.
It is no surprise that given one
taste, I grabbed the entire cone from my mother;
human beings are evolutionally drawn towards
sugary and fatty foods – the sugar for energy and
the fat for insulation – a more efficient way to eat
and survive when food was scarce. Who doesn’t
love ice-cream? It is so fitting for so very many
occasions: a Magnum after dinner, a Twister on
a summer’s day, a 99 at the seaside. Like a lot of
things, however, the best ice-cream is the icecream you make yourself.
My advice is to follow a recipe, but ice-cream
is simple to make. The first stage is to make a
custard base with egg yolks, caster sugar and
milk or cream. When that has cooled, move
onto the second stage, where you add a pint or
so of cream, depending on your quantities. The
third stage is the freezing process. It is advantageous to own an ice-cream machine but not essential. You get the same results by pouring the
mixture into a freeze-proof container, placing
in the freezer and stirring once every hour for
several hours until frozen solid. For plain vanilla, you incorporate the seeds of a vanilla pod
at the first stage; for chocolate, you incorporate
melted chocolate at the second stage and so on.
Various recipes will give different directions. A
particular favourite of mine is lemon ice-cream.
It is quite different from sorbet in that it is both
lusciously creamy and zingy all at once.
However, if the above sounds like far too
much hard work, there is an even easier way
to make ice-cream. If you are a berry fan, just
whizz the berries of your choice (strawberry,
raspberry, blackberry) with lemon juice and
icing sugar, add cream and freeze. There is no
need to stir this mixture hourly, because thanks
to the high sugar content it will not crystallise.
Homemade ice-cream can accompany any
dessert, but the real pleasure is in eating a big
bowl of it all on its own. Vanilla and chocolate
ice-cream are particularly fantastic jazzed up
with homemade chocolate or caramel sauce (or
both if you are really naughty), toasted nuts and
whipped cream. Nom nom nom.
9

OTWO travel

Hidden Gem

Piz Gloria
RESTAURANT,
SWITZERLAND

Leap on a cable car and hurry to this swivelling
restaurant in the mountains, where you can indulge
your inner spy, writes Caitríona O’Malley

W

hat is it like peering out at sunlicked vistas draped in snow
whilst chomping on chicken and
baby roast potatoes? Make haste
to a cable car, try not to dwell
on the vicious rocks below and get thee to the
Piz Gloria revolving restaurant on the delightful
Schilthorn summit in Switzerland, the land
where bells tinkle on the necks of the cows. It’s
just like Heidi.
If you’ve spent a hilarious morning
witnessing your friends skidding on ice in the
fashion of a drunken Bambi, a hot meal in this
bizarre place is very welcoming indeed. Fear
not, however; this eatery does not hurtle around,
but rather pivots at a relaxed pace, so there is
no risk of a somersaulting stomach. This allows
you to gulp in the majestic peaks at the same
time as guzzling on food and sipping a drink.
It also means that the surroundings alternate
pleasantly between drops of sunshine and
cooling shade, and you don’t grow weary from
gazing at the same patch of snow for an hour.
The area where the revolving restaurant
is situated was the location for one of the less
well-known James Bond films, On Her Majesty’s
Secret Service, in 1969, and they certainly
capitalise on this, with the obligatory gift shop
loaded with souvenirs nearby for when you have
finished your grub. Before that, though, perhaps
order a martini and polish some skis for a hasty
getaway from a horde of ne’er-do-wells later on.
Service is quite swift in the restaurant, so
there will be no stomachs growling for too long.
As mentioned already, this writer enjoyed a meal
of chicken, potatoes and vegetables followed
by what seems to be a favourite dessert in
Switzerland: a bowl of custard, which comes as
a tasty and refreshing splash of sweetness after
a piping hot dinner with generous portions. Piz
Gloria is in the Alps above Murren, and boasts a
viewing walkway outside, just where the cable
car stops. A marvellous and original place to
grab a bite.
10

Much Peru About...
Be brave and be bold, as a visit
to Peru is not for the delicate
or for the faint-hearted, writes
Olivia Van Walleghem

vibrant orange as they bask on the rocky outcrops
and soak up the midday sun while large groups of
cormorants, boobies, and pelicans pass overhead.
The National Reserve excursion takes you to a
vast desert region, with magnificent views where
you can gobble down delicious ‘ceviche’, a citrusbased tangy coastal fish dish.
A visit to the Nazca lines is a must. After hefty
urope is nothing if not accessible, Aus- negotiation, the most reasonable and informative
tralia is the one-stop migration station, helicopter tour will take you across 500 square
but what about South America? Brazil kilometres of arid rock, which encompasses
and Argentina are well trodden by gap over 800 lines, 300 geometric figures and some
year students, but Otwo decided to seventy animal and plant drawings. In the blaring
step apart and visit South America’s third larg- midday sun you could be forgiven for thinking
est country, Peru. From bargaining in bustling you are hallucinating, but the videos in the
under-equipped train stations, to trekking up the departure lounge heighten your knowledge of the
Colca Canyon with a three-toothed guide who origins and intricacies of the lines.
had minimal English, at each turn it was a chalIn the south, Arequipa is Peru’s second largest
lenge. Yet it could easily be a trip of a lifetime.
city. The texture of the buildings, with white
Immediacy, urgency, pressure? Not here. volcanic stonework, shroud the region with an
Life is less demanding and more about the brass air of peacefulness against a backdrop of El Misti,
tacks or simple necessities in life – the flavours a volcano that rises majestically from behind
in the food, the colour in knitted jumpers, and the cathedral on the main square. A trip to the
hats emblematic of the Incas, the ‘madreterra’ Colca Canyon is a must from here. With rough
or mother earth. Peruvians are an incredibly terrain and sharp sudden inclines, it is nothing
laidback and approachable people. A meagre like the well-mapped gentle saunters you might
few ‘soles’ (the local currency) will go a long way be accustomed to if you are an occasional visitor
once you are prepared to turn expectations into of the Wicklow mountains.
acceptance.
North again, the city of Cusco is the base
Lima is the capital and a necessary, gentle point of the infamous Macchu Pichu. The Inca
introduction. Buses were bulging, menus offered trail takes four days and three nights, arriving
mounds of the local produce, and the streets on the final morning at this world wonder. Don’t
hummed with the sound of differently pitched worry about having to carry food and water; in
horns as people fervently signalled their right fact you don’t even need to know how to erect a
of passage. Proceeding down the coast by bus, tent, as a team of local legends constantly races
you’ll land in Pisco, which was once wracked by ahead to set up camp for lunch or for the night.
an earthquake. The community spirit is palpable, A sense of shared accomplishment peppered
with the local dogs and children happily joining with spectacular views and intimate exchanges
you for an evening stroll, while on the main with the wildlife keeps you going. Nothing
square the local guards and their dogs entertain, will prepare you for the final hike to reach the
singing songs that emphasised their crucial role glorious summit and be suddenly free of the
in protecting your neighbours.
damp intervals and copious steps. You have a
Las Islas Ballestas, accessible by a spectacular view over the empire, so to speak, as the sun rises
ferry ride, showcases the three pronged majestically on the final morning – a dazzling and
candelabra etched into one façade of the islands as triumphant feat with which to finish the trip of a
well as sea lions ranging between dark grey and a lifetime.

E

Photographer: Olivia Van Walleghem

travel OTWO

Beijing,
China

Photographer: Donna Doyle

Donna Doyle takes the
trip of a lifetime to
China’s capital and
discovers a city and
population far removed
from that of the West

C

ontemporary Beijing
is not a beautiful city
by design. The dense
capital is home to skyscraping apartments,
factories and gargantuan chimneys that pollute the air as much as
they do the scenery. However, it is
the dichotomy that exists between
the minimalist landmarks of postcultural revolution China and the
traditional gems of the historical
Empire that makes the city a visual
spectacle.
Home to a myriad of impeccably preserved attractions such
as the Forbidden City, the Temple of Heaven, and the Summer
Palace, the city is a history buff’s
dream. The vast Tiananmen Square
is located at the centre of the city the epicentre of an area of massive
cultural significance. A Westerner
can expect to attract a bewildered
and native audience, many of whom

have not had the opportunity to
meet a Caucasian person. Expect
harmless pointing, staring and followers with cameras.
Surrounding the Square, you
will find a number of notable attractions worth a visit including
the National Museum of China,
Chairman Mao’s Mausoleum, and
the Monument to the People’s Heroes. To the north of the Square is
the entrance to the Forbidden City.
A collection of 980 beautifully intricate buildings that boast traditional Chinese architecture comprises what was the imperial palace
for over 500 years. It is worth enlisting the historical knowledge of
a tour guide for your trip around
the Palace. If you have not already
arranged a reputable guide, be sure
to haggle and agree upon a price at
the entrance with one of the many
opportunistic guides that will approach you at the gate.

For a more laidback experience,
the Temple of Heaven is ideal: a
beautiful collection of religious
buildings that served as the Emperor’s place of prayer, dating back
to 1406. The surrounding parks
are bustling with activity, and
give tourists the opportunity to
mix with the natives and partake
in public singing, mass outdoor
aerobics-cum-dance classes, or to
join them in a game of Jianzi (a folk
sport played with a peculiar-looking feather ball).
It would be unforgivable to visit
Beijing and not devote a day to the
Great Wall of China. A two-hour
car journey from the centre of Beijing, the Mutiyanyu section of the
Wall is recommended over other
tourist-swamped sections. The excitement of the attraction is heightened by the novelty of a terrifying
ski lift to the top of the mountain
and the opportunity to toboggan
down, following enough cultural
intake and a top-notch profile picture. Otherwise, it’s just a big wall.
The least terrifying way to get
around Beijing is by taxi. Fares are
inexpensive, and a half-hour journey should cost no more than sixty
CNY (roughly six euro). The challenge to attain a taxi cannot, however, be underestimated. Many taxi
drivers refuse to take Western tourists, so allow a good half an hour to

hail a taxi. Furthermore, make sure
to have the name of your destinations written in script to present to
the driver, as no amount of handgesturing hints at “the Northeast
gate of the Forbidden City. Also I
need an ATM on the way” will do
the job.
In general, eating out is in the
city is cheap, and a traditional meal
can be acquired for the guts of ten
euro. For all your shopping and
cheap Chinese tat needs, pay a visit
to the Pearl Market at Hongqiao
Lu. The indoor market boasts five
floors crammed with more counterfeit Converse and grammatically
incorrect t-shirts than you could
shake a chopstick at. Exercise some
gall, and haggle at every corner –
offer no more than twenty to thirty per cent of the original asking
price. The reward is a bucketful of
bad quality, branded merchandise
for a pittance.
Far beyond the troublesome taxi
journeys and the tourist traps, a
trip to Beijing offers an experience
like no other. To glimpse a culture
so vastly different from our own
is an eye-opening and rewarding experience. It is the hospitable
people, the amazing cuisine, and
its remarkable history that makes
Beijing a charming metropolis that
offers the trip of a lifetime.
11

OTWO Games

powered by

REVIEWS
RESIDENT EVIL:
OPERATION RACCOON CITY

SILENT HILL: DOWNPOUR

When gameplay trailers of Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City
made their way online, the game
looked like it would be a refreshing supplement to Capcom’s longstanding zombie-infested world.
In the initial campaign of this
third-person shooter, you play as
an Umbrella agent, tasked with
destroying evidence relating to
their involvement in the viral outbreak that destroyed Raccoon
City. You’ll move through scenarios from Resident Evil 2 and 3,
crossing paths with characters
from these titles trying to escape
the city, while being pitted against
bosses that Umbrella have lost
control of.
The main problem with the
game isn’t the incredibly dull plot
tenuously linked to an already
enormously convoluted storyline
from the Resident Evil universe,
but that it simply isn’t fun. The
whole development of the project
seems to have been rushed, which
results in a game that is a complete chore to play.
If you play offline, the already
tedious storyline becomes arduous thanks to the atrocious ingame AI; you’ll spend more time
reviving your teammates than actually being helped by them (on
that note, the enemy AI isn’t any
better; you’ll often see enemies
casually running into a wall). On-

Silent Hill: Downpour is the eighth instalment in Konami’s psychological
horror franchise, and it should help repair the damage which Homecoming did
to the series’ reputation. Downpour follows the story of Murphy Pendleton, a
convict being transferred to a maximum
security prison only for his bus to crash,
leaving him stranded in the nightmarish
town of Silent Hill.
Murphy is one of the most interesting
and compelling protagonists to appear
in Silent Hill; while not quite as complex
as James, he certainly makes Harry and
Henry look bland. The opening tutorial is a brutal affair, as your first taste of
combat is for Murphy to stab to death
an unarmed man in the prison showers.
Murphy’s Otherworld is also among the
most personalised of the series, replete
with prison cells, gramophones tauntingly playing ‘Born Free’, and the Void,
an entity doggedly pursuing Murphy,
threatening to consume him. The transitions to the Otherworld are both cleverly enacted and visually amazing.
Downpour encourages exploration
rather than linearity, and intriguing
side quests allow you to delve further
into the tragic lives of the town’s inhabitants. Downpour also doesn’t simply try to ape its predecessors; rather
than re-treading classic locations such
as Brookhaven hospital or Midwich
School, you explore an entirely new area
of Silent Hill, a particular highlight being the hellish Devil’s Pit.
The horror is well-paced with an

line co-op is marginally better, but
connection with a full squad of
teammates can take a frustratingly
long time.
The gameplay is simple, which
is one of the game’s few assets.
However, it doesn’t really help
that you have only one goal in any
given scenario: run into a room,
shoot things, collect an item or
destroy an item, then occasionally
you run into a boss, who you’ll often end up fighting over and over
again.
The simplicity of the gameplay
is also marred by the fact that the
controls aren’t great; there will
be times when you need to turn
around and run away, but the game
simply won’t allow you to. Similarly, the cover system occasionally
just doesn’t work, so you end up
getting shot, start bleeding, and a
hoard of zombies begin running at
you through no fault of your own.
It is a poorly designed game.
Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon
City was only ever going to be a title for hardcore fans of the series,
but in all honesty, there’s really
not much in it for its casual followers. The plot isn’t interesting;
the gameplay is sluggish, and the
only real challenge is committing
enough time to suffer through the
relatively short campaign. There
is an online multiplayer, but if you
own an Xbox 360, pick up Left 4
Dead, it’s a much better and much
more fun game. If you only have a
Title: Resident Evil: Operation PS3, just play anything else.
Raccon City
Publishers: Capcom
by Conor O’Nolan
Developers: Slant Six City
Platforms: PlayStation 3,
Xbox 360, Windows
Release Date: Out Now

atmosphere of foreboding being established gradually, building to the
shocks and scares; rather than just
throwing a steady stream of enemies
at you. Daniel Licht has proven himself to be a worthy successor to series
composer Akira Yamaoka; fashioning
an atmospheric and unsettling score.
The Bogeyman antagonist contains as
much symbolism as Pyramid Head or
the Butcher; and the introduction of
Downpour’s rain dynamic is an ingenious feature as the intensity of the rain
affects how numerous and vicious the
monsters you encounter are, making
the game more unpredictable.
The only let-downs are poor facial
animations and the lack of variety
among the enemies you encounter.
The game’s combat system has received some criticism, but this has
been largely unfair. Downpour is a
survival horror, not an action horror, and in a survival horror combat
should be a little clunky and difficult,
to emphasise the importance of flight
rather than fight. Your inventory limits you to carrying only two weapons
at a time and melee weapons degrade
from use. This gives you a vulnerability sadly lacking in many other horror games. In Downpour you won’t
be committing genocide like in Dead
Space or Resident Evil 5; Murphy is an
ordinary man with limitations, and
the experience is all the better for it.
Silent Hill: Downpour is the nearest thing to a true survival horror
experience to be released by a large
developer in recent years and for this
fact alone it should be applauded.
by Steven Balbirnie

Games
GamesOTWO
OTWO

TALKING ABOUT
THE DEAD

Z

Sean Vanaman, a leading
designer at Telltale Games, talks
to Steven Balbirnie about their
adaptation of The Walking Dead,
the importance of narrative,
and digital distribution

ombies are everywhere in gaming Anyone familiar with Rick’s story knows that his farm. You’ll pair up with Glenn. And somethese days; whether in popular Georgia and its surrounding rural area plays thing we’re super excited about is that Lilly,
franchises like Left 4 Dead and a huge role in the story, especially early on. In a lesser-known character from the comics, is
Resident Evil, or in add-ons for our game though, you’ll be playing as Lee Ever- a main character in our group. If you’ve read
titles as diverse as Red Dead Re- ett – a guy who was on his way to prison on the the books and know who the Governor is, you
demption and Yakuza. So what can day of the outbreak. He struggles to survive be- might remember the woman who is essentialbe done in the zombie genre that hasn’t been fore running into an orphaned little girl named ly his right-hand. Well in the game, she’s part
done before? The forthcoming adaptation of Clementine. The two, realising they are both of your crew.”
The Walking Dead from Telltale Games seems without families now, link up and survive toThe Walking Dead is also unique when comto have the answer.
gether. You’ll be going through the story as him pared with the rest of the zombie genre because
The Walking Dead graphic novels and tel- and with her, making narrative choices as the it is a major title which will only be available
evision series have become a massively popu- world crumbles.”
via download and will be released as a series
lar phenomenon, and it’s not hard to see why.
These choices form a core dynamic in the of five episodes rather than a single title. VanaCreator Robert Kirkman has breathed new life game; according to Vanaman, “choice impacts man believes that the benefits of this format and
into a genre that risked stagnation. Kirkman’s the story to varying degrees. Sometimes it de- approach outweigh the challenges. “The chalsuccess has been due to his focus on characters termines who is in your camp for the rest of lenges are just staying on schedule – you make
and their relationships, rather than simply ac- the season. Other times it’s more ambiguous a promise for the game to be out and you have to
tion or horror, and Telltale Games’ Sean Vana- and paints the picture of the type of guy you’ve hit it. And with a game as complex as The Walkman is keen to point out that this narrative chosen Lee to be.” Vanaman also states that “be- ing Dead it can be tricky. The benefits are huge
focus will be at the heart of the videogame ad- cause Clementine is an eight-year-old girl, the – you get to hear the fans digest the story; you
aptation; “I wouldn’t call this an action game. choices you make in the game begin to imprint get to see what’s working and not working. We
The game is really more of a narrative horror on her, which should have some drastic impacts get to engage our fans on the forums and know
adventure. You walk around environments ex- on the end of the game.”
from the moment the first episode drops if the
ploring and meeting characters, making diaWhile the game’s focus is on Lee and Clem- ending we have for the season will be satisfying,
logue and story choices and then reacting with entine, it will remain faithful to the look and and if not, we can of course correct – but I have
your gut (instead of a gun, usually) when death feel of the comic books; the comic’s writer, a hunch it will be.”
is imminent. You’ll shoot zombies. You’ll axe Robert Kirkman, and artist, Charlie Adlard,
Vanaman won’t be coaxed into revealing the
their heads off. But the emphasis in the game have been involved in the design process. future of the franchise, but his indications are
is narrative experience – it’s about navigating “Robert Kirkman has been really hands-on. He positive, “we have nothing to announce as per
through a character story.”
was incredibly receptive to my initial pitch of the future of The Walking Dead at Telltale but I
Fans should be pleased that rather than cop- the story and has made sure the game and the can say I’ve written a story that can support it –
ying the storyline of Rick Grimes in the comic writing feel like The Walking Dead. Charlie ac- and that’s pretty exciting.”
books, Telltale are giving their audience an en- tually did the first piece of art for the game.”
tirely new story, which compliments the main Vanaman reveals that players who’ve read the The first episode of The Walking Dead will be
series while allowing the player to explore the comic books will also recognise plenty of fa- released on XBLA, PSN, PC, Mac, Steam and
wider world of The Walking Dead. As Vanaman miliar faces in the game; “Right out of the gate iOS at the end of April. For more information on
explains, “the game starts on day one of the you’ll meet Hershel and his son Shawn (alive Telltale’s pre-order contest visit www.telltalezombie outbreak in the comic books and takes this time! Not trapped in the barn as a zombie games.com/walkingdead/preorder-contest
13
place in and around Atlanta, GA and Macon, GA. as you might remember from the comics) on

OTWO television

This summer marks
the beginning of the
end for Breaking Bad;
the series creator Vince
Gilligan talks to George
Morahan and Giles
Brody about bringing
one of America’s most
acclaimed shows to its
conclusion, and the
ideas that are better left
in the writers’ room.
Warning: spoilers ahead

(l-r): Aaron Paul, Vince Gilligan and Bryan Cranston

The One Who Knocks
An Interview with Vince Gilligan

O

ver four seasons and forty-six
episodes, Breaking Bad has forged
a reputation as one of American
television’s greatest exports. The
show, which follows cancer-stricken
Walter White from his life as an emasculated
chemistry teacher to his ever-tenuous position
as a New Mexico meth lord, has proven to be a
weekly master class in acting, cinematography
and television writing, thanks to performances
of a cast that includes Emmy winners Bryan
Cranston and Aaron Paul as Walter and his sidekick Jesse, the dazzling and innovative work of
Director of Photography Michael Slovis, and the
astounding patience of Vince Gilligan’s plotting.
As a writer, Gilligan has proven to be meticulous and slavish in his commitment to the
natural pacing of his story arcs, but just because
he shows reverence in his writing, doesn’t mean
everyone else will. “I’m a bit tired of the overuse
of the word ‘like’; that’s a pet peeve of mine.
Although having said that, Jesse Pinkman, on
our show, uses ‘like’ all the time, and that’s very
much on purpose, because he’s very much a man
of his era. So even though I don’t care for that
particularly, I feel we have to be accurate in his
speech patterns.”
Despite the critical mass it had reached on
the other side of the pond, Breaking Bad has
been largely banished to Netflix queues and filesharing websites in Ireland, in spite of Gilligan’s
protests on a recent visit to Galway. “I’m willing
to say this on the record: I’m very disappointed
in our own studio for not getting this out there to
places like Ireland and the UK, because I come
here to Galway, and I see this wonderful room
full of people, all of whom have seen the show ...
I’m going to try to raise hell when I go back to
California and try and change that. I don’t know
14

how much success I’ll have, but I’ll try.”
Gilligan is probably used to obstacles in his
path however. Indeed, it took years for Bad to
make it to air. Having been a prominent writer
for The X-Files in the late nineties, Gilligan
would have to wait until 2008 for Breaking Bad’s
first episode to be broadcast on AMC, the nascent American cable network that is also home
to another critic-beloved upstart in the form
of Mad Men. Even though Cranston has proven
to be an inspired choice for one of TV’s most
complex protagonists, network executives were
sceptical of his casting. Their doubt looks foolish
in hindsight, but it may have been understandable for them to question the hiring of the dad
from Malcolm in the Middle to play a reckless, remorseless kingpin. Then again, Breaking Bad has
been a show that doesn’t mind taking a few risks.
Case and point: a scene from the show’s third
season in which the head of a drug cartel informant, played by Machete’s Danny Trejo, is carried
around the desert on the back of a tortoise, much
to the morbid delight of some surrounding DEA
agents – but even Gilligan had doubts about it at
the time of conception. “When we came up with
that scene we were so proud of ourselves that I
said to everybody; ‘Let’s go to lunch early. We’ve
really earned our money here. We’ve come up
with this insane scene. We’ve got a severed head
on a tortoise. It’s going to be such a shock to the
audience; they’ve never seen anything like that
before. I love it.’”
It wasn’t long, however, before they started
trying to push the scene further. “One of my
writers, George Master, said ‘Okay, but you know
what has to happen after that. Then the head
should blow up,’ and even though I like to keep a
safe writers’ room I had to say ‘George, for god’s
sake, you’re gilding the lily there, man. We’ve

Fan art by Zack Wallenfang
already got a human head on a tortoise; not everything has to blow up.’ But then I thought about
it and I said ‘Dammit, he’s right. That’s the exact
way to end the scene.’ It was at that point when
it started to come together; ‘Just when you think
you’ve seen everything, then one of the federalis
should lean down to try and pick the head up
but he realises it’s wired, it’s booby trapped, and
boom!’ That was a wonderful moment of what
had initially struck me as an over the top idea,
but in fact turned out to truly make the scene.”
Though keen to explore the genesis of the
show, Gilligan cannot reveal what Season Five
holds in store for Walt, Jesse and their evercomplicating alliance; “I’m looking forward to
getting back into the writers’ room with my writers and putting answers to just that question, and
many other questions that we have outstanding
as to ... you know ... what the future of Breaking
Bad will turn out to be,” he says. “We know we’re
very fortunate to know when we’re going to end.
We know we have sixteen more hours of story
and the trick now is to fill those hours in the best,
most satisfying way possible.”

film OTWO

Audery Tatou in Delicacy

W

e, as native English
speakers in Ireland, are in a privileged position. Not
only are we part of
a diverse multinational economic
community in which there is a free
trans-cultural exchange of ideas,
but our native language (albeit our
official second language) is the
dominant mode of communication
in which those ideas are exchanged.
Although it is not the language with
the most speakers worldwide, English is now used as a ‘lingua franca’
in the global linguistic system, and
current globalisation processes are
reaffirming its position in the technology industries, in the flow of scientific knowledge, and especially in
the global consumption of popular
culture. Therefore, when it comes
to international cinema, our unique
position means we have open access
to films that are not in our native
tongue, but mass audiences always
ditch the original, subtitled version
in favour of the filtered Hollywood
remake because they have bigger
marketing campaigns; we are more
familiar with the actors having seen
them in magazines and on the internet, and, most pertinently, the dialogue is in English.
But why do native Englishspeaking audiences have such an
aversion to subtitles? The usual
complaints about having to “read a
film” and how subtitles break the illusion are invalid and are a demonstration of native English-speaking
audiences’ complete unwillingness
to engage in any way with a foreign
language film, in much the same
way we travel to a foreign country
having not bothered to learn even
a few words of the native language
and then are frustrated when no
one understands us speaking English a bit louder and slower. Subtitles are something that don’t seem
to bother other cultures. For example, in China films often have two
sets of subtitles, usually Mandarin

In the final film feature
of the year, Dermot
O’Rourke casts a critical
eye over the relationship
between Englishspeaking languages and
foreign-language films

Lost in Translation

and Cantonese, for their foreign
language films, and at international
film festivals, such as Cannes, films
are often projected with more than
one set of subtitles to cater for the
international audiences.
Native English-speaking audiences are subtitle-phobic to the
point of ignorance and it has, in
recent times, allowed for the emergence of the needlessly large market
of Hollywood remakes of foreign
language films. Hollywood capitalises on the phenomenon by recycling stories from successful foreign
language films – which by virtue
of being successful abroad, have
proven track records in attracting
an audience – supplying them with
a healthy budget, sticking in English
speaking actors and generally giving the whole thing a sterile gloss.
Take 2010’s horror film Let Me In,
for example, a completely redundant remake of Tomas Alfredson’s
brilliant 2008 Swedish film Let the
Right One In. Let Me In relocated the
story from the chilling isolation of

Lina Leandersson in
Let the Right One In

Stockholm’s suburbs in the 1980s to for-shot remake of his masterpiece
modern-day New Mexico. In solely Funny Games, albeit with it set in
monetary terms, Let Me In was more America, with English-speaking acsuccessful and attracted a larger au- tors that cost three times what the
dience than its far superior Swed- original did. Even recently, Icelanish counterpart. With its budget of dic director Blatasar Kormákur’s
twenty million dollars (five times thriller Contraband starring Mark
that of Let the Right One In) it man- Wahlberg is, in fact, a remake of a
aged to take approximately eleven film called Reykjavík-Rotterdam in
million dollars more than the origi- which Kormákur played the leading
nal did at the box office. However, it role.
is important to note that despite its
The primary problem with Holsmaller budget and distribution Let lywood remaking foreign language
the Right One In made a higher gross films is that the process is not just
profit than Let Me In, which only a simple task of translating the diajust about broke even.
logue and replanting the story in
Moreover, the culture of remak- America. There are underlying culing foreign language films has led tural, language, and locality issues
to foreign directors remaking their specific to its origin that means no
own films for English-speaking au- film can just be directly extracted
diences. Japanese director Takashi without fundamentally altering the
Shimizu remade his 2002 horror core elements that made the film
film Ju-on as The Grudge in 2004, great, and attracted a remake, in the
starring Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s first place.
Sarah Michelle Gellar and enjoyAmongst all this, there is a cening enormous success in the US tral question that still remains: in a
and Europe. Even more pointlessly, time of unprecedented globalisation
Michael Haneke brought out a shot- and independent international productions in film, what really constitutes a “foreign film”? Is Danny
Boyle’s 2008 film Slumdog Millionaire, for example, with its setting,
cast, and subject matter, an Indian
film, or with its British director, financers, and (predominantly) English dialogue, a British film? Or is
Irish-directed, Irish-cast, Belgianbased, English-financed thriller In
Bruges an Irish film?
It does appear that in the English-speaking West, certainly, that
a film is deemed “foreign” not by
the virtue of what it looks like, but
what it sounds like. Yet what native
English-speaking audiences must
realise is that the real beauty of this
medium is the universality of the
language of cinema, and as such,
that any really great film can be simply enjoyed by any audience, and in
any language.
15

amsels in Distress is writer-director
Whit Stillman’s first film since his
1998 feature, The Last Days of Disco.
Stillman has emerged from his abstention with this wonderful campus
comedy, full to the brim with feel-good antics.
The first damsel we encounter is sophomore transfer student Lily (Analeigh Tipton) on her first day
at the fictional Seven Oaks University. Opinionated Rose (Megalyn Echikunwoke), naïve Heather
(Carrie MacLemore), and their painfully blunt
leader Violet (Greta Gerwig) spot her from across
the room and begin to bequeath a healthy dose of
condescending advice to the sickly Lily. Although
their interference is welcomed by Lily at the onset, it gradually becomes more and more apparent
that she must distance herself from this messedup group. The Samaritan set, led by the wide-eyed
Violet, run a suicide prevention centre amidst the
arcadian grandeur of the University. The girls battle the suicide epidemic by dispensing generous

doses of doughnuts and offering tap-dancing lessons to the unfortunately unhappy students.
The damsels, as characters, could be accused
of being wholly unlikeable and altogether unrelatable to the viewer. They represent a contrived
and unapproachable social sphere that we hope
never to encounter – Tipton’s Lily is too weak and
Gerwig’s Violet comes across as too disturbed to
bare any recognition to real people. None of the
damsels, nor indeed the fraternity brothers they
are attempting to woo, are very appealing characters; although highly interesting individually in
their own gruesome way, and positively entertaining when placed in the same space as one another.
To say that this film has a story would be a
generous statement. It has a wide variety of characters; these characters come with emotional baggage, but they forgot to pack a plot with them. It
is altogether unclear as to where the ‘plot’ falters,

mirror
mirror

M

irror Mirror continues the
throwback to myth and legend
that is currently sweeping the
‘tween’ nation thanks to the Twilight series. The film is but one
of two reimaginings of the classic Grimm fairy
tale, Snow White, out this year, and attempts
to modernise the story, but widely misses the
mark. On reflection, the Kristen Stewart-led
Snow White and the Huntsmen will not have a lot
to live up to.
The colourful film follows the basic criteria of
the original “Once upon a time…” tale to which

16

perhaps as prematurely as when the advertisements began. Stillman still manages to affirm his
reputation as the new Woody Allen with the beautiful rendering of this film. The camera work and
quirky scene changes save it from becoming romcom garbage. While the script could have benefitted from more external input, Stillman’s dialogue
is still entertaining to say the least.
Despite the generous doses of humour the
script is a meandering one; the focus of the film is,
at times, indistinct and testing of the viewer’s patience. Though juxtaposing what is technically an
annoyingly tortuous plot with a delightfully visual
character portrayal, Damsels in Distress proves to be
a surprisingly refreshing experience.
In a Nutshell: Sharp, witty dialogue complete
with a good helping of absurdity.
by Emily Mullen
Title: Mirror Mirror
Director: Tarsem Singh
Starring: Julia Roberts,
Lily Collins, Armie Hammer
Release Date: Out Now

everyone is familiar. Snow White (Lily Collins)
is locked away by her evil stepmother ( Julia Roberts) as she fights to hold onto the title of ‘fairest
of them all’ within the kingdom. The princess
eventually escapes the clutches of the Queen’s
bumbling henchman. Newly independent, she
encounters the Prince (the face of the Winklevii
himself, Armie Hammer), who is on his way to
the castle and takes a shine to her. As she continues on her journey, she stumbles upon the seven
dwarves who heroically attempt to win back her
birthright and help the suffering people of the
kingdom.

Mirror is imbued with some impressively Burtonesque cinematography, and the detailed costuming
and set-design are also worthy of praise. However,
the film lacks playfulness and never fully embraces
how ludicrous it really is. Similarly, the characters
come across as bland, with the extremities of their
personae never being fully exploited. Singh plays it
safe, and Mirror feels rudderless as a result.
Roberts cannot be taken seriously as evil,
by any stretch of the imagination. It has to
be said that she is just too likeable for such a
role. Her attempts at a cackle befitting a witch
are unbearable and unbelievable. Snow White,
despite her beauty, is unmemorable and for
someone who has just turned eighteen, she has a
much older demeanour. The prince certainly lacks
in the charming department, and his meetings
with the princess are extremely awkward. All
three characters lack chemistry, and thus the
entire film is dramatically flawed.
The stars of the Mirror Mirror are the seven
dwarves, who are repackaged with new, modern
names and a more action-packed role. They
produce many of the film’s killer lines and also
provide some of the best acting, despite an Oscarwinner’s presence in the cast.
In a Nutshell: The magic of the original tale
is left out, but it is a technical achievement
nonetheless.
by Jordan McMahon

top10

film OTWO

anti-heroes

Cop to the
Future &
Back III:
No Subtitle
Necessary

O

h, yes. The series
Title: Cop to the Future & Back III: No Subtitle Necessary
some people said
Director: David Reilly
they couldn’t care
Starring: Conor Barry, Cailbhe Doherty and Lionel Richie
less about, and othRelease Date: Out Now
ers said they really
couldn’t care less about, is back once
more for an inconceivable amount quadrovisual glory. Although tech- In a Nutshell: The
most Jewish timeof brick-shitting amazement. The nology still limits David Reilly’s
travelling badassery
movies’ best known Jewish ex-cop, boundary-pushing brilliance in the
you’ve seen in a tween
time-traveller and taxidermy en- director’s chair he hasn’t forgotten
thusiast Harvey Price is in the deep his roots, and there are obvious ref- drama since My
Crowbar Mitzvah.
end for the third installment in the erences to Blackula, Nude Nuns with
Cop to the Future and Back series, and Big Guns, and Another Funny Movie
by Dermot O’Rourke
hardcore fanboys will most prob- Title peppered throughout. It is
ably be disappointed – this one is also worth staying behind for the
outstandingly mediocre, and the Bollywood-style credit sequence as
Christian Bale as
third one in a trilogy is usually the Veloci-Rapper insults each member
Patrick Bateman in
of the crew through – wouldn’t you
shit one anyway.
American Psycho
Cop to the Future and Back III: No know it – the medium of rap, while
Subtitle Necessary’s story is set in the Harvey lays down some tasty beats.
years following the last of the Brit- The director also has a two-hour
ish Prime Minister beat downs in long message at the end which can
which a topless Harvey Price ran be best summarised as “You’re welabout yelling “Jive turkey!” at David come, World.”
Placing this film in the pantheon
Lloyd George while kicking him
in the shins. It sees the detective’s of cinema history is difficult. Altomoustached infant son Jorge reu- gether it’s best to say this is the movnite with Veloci-Rapper (voiced by ie a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and
Cailbhe Doherty) as the pair travel Three Men and a Baby hybrid would
through the space-time portal in have been if its cocaine-fuelled
search of rogue detective Price and weekend bender went on a cocainefuelled weekend bender, got lost in
his rabbit.
But forget about the plot (be- Coppers because he couldn’t find
cause the film sure does) and just his friends in the stupid place and
sit back and enjoy the juggernaut was found a few days later face down
of mind-blowing action, mild ho- in a puddle of his own vomit with a
moeroticism and intense games of traffic cone on his head. Expect
crazy golf in all their cinemaphoric with more moustached babies.

10. Patrick Bateman - American Psycho (2000)
Über yuppie Bateman’s gleeful butchering of
prostitutes and dogs alike is only eclipsed, in
terms of repugnance, by his shameless touting
of Heuy Lewis’ macabre oeuvre.
9. James Bond - Any James Bond film (‘62 - present)
Taking misanthropy and misogyny to a new,
almost ecclesiastical level, and equipped with
exploding toothpaste and the charisma of a
back issue of GQ, 007 has, we will gruntingly
admit, demonstrated a certain altruism on
some notable occasions.
8. Katsuro - The Human Centipede (2010)
Critics will surely concur when we say
that a sure-fire way to subvert the image of
the classical hero is to portray him on all
fours, defecating in the mouth of a squealing
American tourist.
7. Raoul Duke - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
Based loosely on real-life antihero of
journalism Hunter S. Thompson himself, acidsinged Duke and his similarly disposed attorney
hurtle towards Las Vegas via Bat Country in
the vain pursuit of a plot.
6. William Foster - Falling Down (1993)
Throughout this sweaty explosion feast,
Michael Douglas’s Foster raises questions
about modern society; questions of which the
pertinence is undermined somewhat, however,
by his bazooka-brandishing delivery. Oh
what, you’ve seriously never fantasised about
shooting hole in the ceiling while queuing in a
McDonalds?
5. Rentboy - Trainspotting (1996)
Skag fiend Renton’s opium-addled philosophical
slurrings add charm and colour to this
masterpiece, as he leads us by the veins on a
bleary, murky tour that encompasses Edinburgh’s
darkest subcultures, Ewan McGregor’s flaccid
penis, and the fragility of friendship.
4. ‘’Dirty’’ Harry Callahan - Dirty Harry (1971)
He’s an unruly, right-wing cop who eats
individual rights fried for breakfast, and who
maintains that moving one’s mouth is sign
of weakness, but dammit, chief, does he
get the job done. Perhaps he means only to
enlighten with his repeated suggestions of
anal insertion.
3. Heathcliffe - Wuthering Heights (1939)
As if you’ve never, when a certain damsel
has proven unobtainable, considered
endeavouring to tie the knot with her
sister-in-law in order to piss her off.
2. Lester Burnham - American Beauty (1999)
Even the devout pessimists among us will
admit that when you find yourself lifting
weights alone and stoned in your garage in
order to persuade your daughter’s school
friends to have sex with you, life has taken a
murderous turn for the worst.
1. Humbert Humbert - Lolita (1962)
Vladimir Nabokov’s erudite fille-fondler
Humbert is the quintessential antihero.
Narcissistic, condescending, and sexually
eccentric, he is redeemed somewhat by his
eloquence and earnestness in the most human
of Kubrick’s films.
by Stephen Connolly
17

OTWO Film & television

Fatal Fourway

Best of the best
In the very last Fatal Fourway of the year, the Foursome battle
it out to settle the great debate, once and for all - of all of this
year’s winning entries, what was the best of the best?

Arrested Development

The Wire

Firefly

Up

Dermot O’Rourke

George Morahan

Jon Hozier-Byrne

Aoife Valentine

After my shocking landslide victory in the penultimate round that
can only be described as “a shocking landslide victory” this is how the
things look going into the final Fatal
Fourway round:

So lads, we’ve come to the end. It’s
been traumatic, and as the Foursome’s perennial loser I can only
say it’s a relief. I’ve made some
unpopular choices and been on the
end of some truly brutal defeats,
but I’ve staggered on. Granted,
it’s not too much of an effort on
my part to write 200 words every
fortnight, but my demise is usually
a foregone conclusion.
I must cling dearly to my rare
victories, and with The Wire I certainly have a good one. However,
even as I write this, I know it will
lose in the polls, but sure, The
Wire is used to such treatment.
Even the series’ creator, David Simon, has recently called The Wire’s
fanbase “wearying”, saying that he
now treats those who apply endless streams of superlatives to his
magnum opus with “amused contempt”.
It’s a great show, and the ratio of
ink spilled about it to the amount
of people who have watched it is
gratuitously in favour of the former.
I’m sorry for adding further column
inches to the anthology of Wire fandom, but I had only one other option, and quite frankly I prefer The
Wire to How I Met Your Mother in
every way imaginable.
So, I shall go down in a blaze of
glory and with my dignity intact like
Snoop, rather than be blindsided like
Omar. “How my hair look, Mike?”

How time has passed – twelve issues
in, and thirteen fourways later (including the obviously rigged Christmas special), and the scores are insanely close. Aoife is just half a win
ahead of me, and Dermot half a win
behind, with George trailing all the
way back in Loserberg. A good solid
win would have me rocking on top of
the board at the end of the competition, so let’s make this last Fourway
a good one.
We all know why Firefly is great.
It’s written and directed by Joss
Whedon. It was cancelled long before its time. It has such a devoted
fanbase that it broke the studio
model and got a feature-length sequel made and released. It’s a show
about space cowboys.
You know how good people
think their newborn child is? Firefly makes their newborn child look
shit.
So, rather than reiterate the merits of my personal favourite show
ever, I will try to convey how important it is that Aoife doesn’t win, in
the hope that all you charitable people will get on Facebook and vote for
Firefly.
You remember when the UCD
Ball was cancelled last year? That
was Aoife. That Samantha Brick article in the Daily Mail? Aoife, albeit
under an assumed name. Kony? All
Aoife. Aim to misbehave - don’t let
her win.

For most of the year I have been
subject to my floating half-head
being placed on the far right of the
page almost every issue, despite my
relentless complaints about it. More
importantly than that, I’ve been
subject to constant ridicule for my
Fourway choices, for my complete
lack of cultural awareness, and for
once saying Graham Linehan was
‘lame’. Despite all of that, according
to Dermot’s lovely table, I have defeated you all, with my wit, charm,
and amazing knack for convincing
people that the shit I watch is definitely the best option. That or I’m
actually more culturally aware than
any of you truly are, which is, in all
fairness, the most likely possibility.
Linehan aside, running with any
of my previous choices would almost definitely guarantee me yet
another win, but only one stands
out as being the obvious choice –
Up. It is not only the greatest Pixar
film of all time, but also a film that
makes you the happiest human being, even though you’re crying like a
baby. Whether you fall in love with
Doug because he’s hiding under your
porch, or the old man because he’s
old and grumpy but actually a softie, or Russell because he just wants
explorer badges and a friend, you’ve
fallen in love and there will be no
other choice for you. It may only like
you temporarily, and you may smell
like prunes, but SQUIRREL!

Name
Glorious Victories
Aoife ................................................. 4
Jon .................................................. 3½
Dermot ............................................. 3
George ............................................ 1½
Despite thinking Mean Girls could
count as a Western, calling Graham Linehan “lame” in the Graham
Linehan round and still really liking
heroin, Aoife is on top and seemingly
most in tune with the TV preferences
of the college, although it’s probably
more likely that she’s just the nicest
and has the most friends.
However, none of that will matter for this one, because Arrested Development is not only the best show I
have written about this year, but one
of the greatest TV shows of all time.
With one of the smartest scripts ever
committed to TV, the biggest range
of ingenious characters, and moments from GOB such as “BEES?!
BEADS?! We’ll see who brings in
more honey,” you really can’t go
wrong. The best part about it is that
it’s making a return in 2013 with a
new series and a movie. To say I am
anticipating this would be the understatement of the year. Get on board!
18

Go on the University Observer Facebook page and have your say; what is the best thing of the best things ever?

Music OTWO

Another Level
A man of few words, Avicii speaks
to Aoife Valentine as we trail him
across continents to talk about
being dubbed a ‘prodigy’, his
relationship with David Guetta
and that Leona Lewis song

A

vicii is not an easy man to get in
touch with. As probably the youngest
well-known electronic dance music
(EDM) producer and DJ in the world
right now, maybe Otwo should have
seen this coming. Although it is not entirely unimaginable that his hectic schedule may have him
tied to the DJ booth, a chase across continents for
a chat was not what we saw on the cards. We narrowly missed him as he checked out of the Ritz in
Taipei to play a gig and then jump on a plane to
Australia, at which point he dropped completely
off the radar, as pilots aren’t known to facilitate
mid-air interviews.
An hour after he lands in Sydney, Otwo finally
reaches Tim Bergling, the man behind Avicii. After
such a long journey, he could be forgiven for being
more than a little cranky taking a late-night press
call, but he didn’t seem remotely perturbed - then
again, late nights are presumably something he’s
very used to. Currently on tour, before he even
made it to Taipei, he had, in the fortnight previous,
played many shows between Miami and South Africa; playing a different club every night of the week
is nothing new for the twenty-two-year-old sensation.
“We’ve been touring America for about two years
and even in that short amount of time, electronic
music has just blown up; it gets bigger and bigger
every day… I mean, Electric Daisy [Dance festival in
America] has been around, I think, since 2000, but
the amount of people going now – it’s remarkable.”

Undoubtedly, ‘Levels’ has brought Bergling
considerable recognition, along with his earlier
hits ‘Bromance’ and ‘Seek Bromance’, all of which
have contributed in no small way to his listing in
DJ Magazine as the sixth greatest DJ in the world
at the moment. Their success, however, was not
something he ever foresaw. “When I’m making
music in general I never go in with an idea of making a hit ... I try to just make what I like – it’s really hard for me to know which tracks other people
will like.”
With such a rapid rise to fame, and the press
constantly throwing the word ‘prodigy’ around, it
would be understandable for Bergling to be feeling
the pressure at this stage, but he assures us, “I’ve
been working too hard to be overwhelmed. But
I mean, I definitely get overwhelmed when I see
that amount of people at a show … I understand it’s
been a remarkable journey, but I can’t see myself as
a prodigy.”
He has been hugely involved in remixing tracks,
most notably a recent high profile number for Madonna, but it is something he can make less and
less time for as his success grows. “I used to do a
lot of remixes but I’ve been doing way less than I
used to. I don’t [approach a remix] in the same way
I would my own track – I usually look for a vocal
and try to build my own track around it.”
Despite retreating somewhat from remixing,
it is still something that Bergling feels is important for building good relationships and a sense of
community between DJs. “It’s often a first point
of collaboration between DJs. You say, ‘Okay, I’ll
do a remix for you if you do a remix for me,’ so it’s a
great way of getting to know new artists you didn’t
know before.”
He cites his own relationship with David Guetta
– leading DJ and producer, sitting pretty at number
one on the Top 100 DJs list – as being the perfect
example of this. “I’ve been working with David a
lot, with remixes and stuff. He just approached me
and my manager about doing a track together and
he already had some parts and that’s kind of what
happened … He’s been supporting me a lot, so it was
good to finally do something with him.”

Up until this point, Bergling has been keeping
his answers more than concise, however when the
topic of collaborations with pop singers comes up,
it’s clear it is a touchy subject for him. “It can be
quite difficult to get pop singers to sing without
giving them a feature. Personally, I’m just trying
to focus on doing my own thing with the music. I
don’t really care if something is commercial. I just
care about the music and that’s all that me and my
manager have cared about from the start – we won’t
do anything just for the sake of it, so we wouldn’t do
a track with whoever just to make a track.”
Perhaps his now resolved legal dispute with X Factor winner Leona Lewis has made him more wary of
venturing into collaborations with pop stars, but it is
an issue he wishes to remain mute about, saying only
that, “I didn’t really do the track. I don’t know what I
can and can’t say.” As a general rule however, he feels
the growing trend of mixing pop and house music can
only be positive. “For EDM, I think it’s phenomenal. It
can reach many more people and make them aware of
maybe more underground EDM music.”
Legal disputes aside, refusing to comment on
what to expect from his first arena tour beginning
next month, and even more guarded when it came
to his future plans, Bergling is still quite the mysterious man. “Right now I’m just trying to keep the
rhythm of what I’ve been doing; keep working with
my manager, keep the music. I mean I have a lot of
upcoming music and a lot of upcoming stuff, it’s just
I don’t know how much I can say.” Even hesitant to
commit to the idea of a debut album, he only says,
“I would love to have time to make an album. Right
now there’s just no time for it, but hopefully sometime in the future, sure.”
Before disappearing off into the night, he did
happily confirm his excitement about getting back
to this side of the globe. “I’m super looking forward to it. I’ve never been to Dublin, so it’s going
to be a lot of fun.”
Avicii plays The O2, Dublin on June 3rd.
Tickets are priced at €45.40.

19
19

OTWO Music

The

“I

Negative Ion

’m looking out at the largest brick Magnetic Fields frontman Stephin Merritt reluctantly talks to
wall I’ve ever seen.” Stephin Merritt
Conor O’Toole about his hatred for touring, and his orchestra
is in Toronto. The Magnetic Fields
mastermind sounds defeated. “I can
go all the way up to the window and
still see absolutely nothing but yellow brick wall.
Well, pale ochre.”
He is fifteen stops into the ‘Tour at the
Bottom of the Sea’ and is ten stops away from
Dublin. However, everywhere seems the same
to him, reflecting, “Toronto is more all the same
than everywhere else is.” Tomorrow Merritt
will be in Montreal, hometown of Leonard
Cohen, another North American accused of
gloominess, who produces nothing but songs of
love and humour.
Merritt doesn’t seem too excited about visiting Dublin. “I don’t look forward to anything on
tour. I just do what they tell me.” However, he
admits to being a stereotypical ‘Irish American’.
When asked where his ancestors hail from he
answers, “I have no idea, as with most people;
it’s part of the stereotype.” Well, at least it’s nice
to be able to claim him as one of our own.
The Magnetic Fields’ new album Love at the
Bottom of the Sea is Merritt at his best, writing tragic and bizarre love songs infused with
bone-dry wit. This includes ‘The Machine in
Your Hand’, which finds Merritt wishing to be
the mobile phone of his unrequited lover, and
the lead single, ‘Andrew in Drag’, a lament for
an unlikely crush; “A pity she does not exist, ‘tis
shame he’s not a fag/The only girl I’ll ever love
is Andrew in drag.” It’s been a minor hit, which
Merritt seems minorly happy with. “The seveninch single sold out. I seem to be on a record label that seems to think it’s a good idea to have
the single be a limited edition. So, eh, whatever.”
Undoubtedly the band’s magnum opus was
1999’s 69 Love Songs which, over almost three hours, contains exactly what the cover promis- rest of the group have been keeping themselves
es. Merritt isn’t precious about singing his own
busy as well. “We travel with ten people. It
songs, and allows a variety of voices to vocalise
seems large when we have to get them all into
his work. This, and the mix of synthesisers and
vans. And one of them is a baby. And one of
acoustic instruments, give the album an idiosyn- them is a nanny. The baby dances. A few days
cratic and variable sound. This year’s release
ago Shirley [the band’s autoharpist and vocalist]
marks his first use of synthesisers since then.
wrote a song called ‘Hookers and Blow’ and
Following 69 Love Songs the Magnetic Fields they made a little video of it yesterday or the
released i, Distortion, and Realism, which were day before. I imagine it’s on the blog. So you can
concept albums in their own right. i’s tracks see the dancing baby.”
all begin with an ‘I’, Distortion’s featured
The last twenty years in music mean that
distorted sound, and Realism was essentially the Merrit has an extensive back catalogue of music
antithesis of that, an acoustic folk album.
to draw from, so some songs from Love at the
“I guess I’ve been pretty constrained in Bottom of the Sea may not get a live debut on this
various ways for the last three records. It tour. His long career seems to have tired him
hasn’t just been no synths, it’s been particular out somewhat and he does not appear to derive
collections of instruments in order to make the much joy from playing any more. “Just because
records cohere. This one has a sort of constraint we’re not playing it on this tour doesn’t mean
in that everything is electrical. Other bands we won’t play it on another tour. Although as
have constraints because they only have a few always, I’m saying that this must be the last tour
instruments and they only know how to play a or I will kill myself.”
few things. We have to impose our own because
Presented with the thought that this will
I have hundreds of instruments and we’re certainly be the last tour regardless, as a result,
basically an orchestra.”
Merritt coolly replies, “It keeps me from killMerritt’s love of obtuse acoustic instruments ing myself immediately, to say that I will just
was the source of the most excited part of our kill myself later.” When Otwo asks him about
chat. A picture of him wielding what appeared, the prospect of his management intentionally
to our ignorant eye, to be a sort of lute appeared booking dates far into the future to prevent
on the band’s blog recently. “It was a baroq-ulele! him from committing suicide, he pauses. “Just
Sounds like a ukulele but looks like a baroque the thought of it is so depressing, I can’t answer
instrument. To me it looks like a truncated oud.” the question.”
In addition to oud shopping, Merritt has
another hobby to keep himself occupied on The Magnetic Fields play the Olympia Theatre
tour. “I compulsively look for what the local on April 28th. Tickets are priced from €27.90.
20
interesting real estate is, wherever we go.” The Love at the Bottom of the Sea is out now.

Music OTWO

Ever Fallen in Love?
Thirty-six years since the height
of punk, Emily Mullen gets to
grips with Buzzcock’s guitarist
Stephen Diggle as he vents
about all manner of things, from
electronic music to Justin Bieber

B

uzzcocks, the seminal Manchester
punk outfit, made their debut gig while
supporting the Sex Pistols in 1976. They
never had to carry the same weight of
punk reverence as the Pistols or the
Clash, but the Buzzcocks have been able to pick up
the pieces from their 1981 split and hammer out a
successful music career with remarkable ease.
The band have just started recording their
ninth studio album to date and are currently
touring the world, between recordings sessions.
Although their hairstyles offer pale imitations of
their former glories, their surging energy for recording and performing seems to be defying the
aging process better than their follicles. Punk is
no longer reserved for the disaffected youth, in
guitarist Stephen Diggle’s view, but instead for
the reactivated aging punks of yesteryear. Diggle speaks of the new strains of punk in a disillusioned manner, describing how modern bands
replicate their predecessors rather than emulate
them; “Now it seems like we all wrote the play,
and they found the script and they’re re-enacting
it out. It’s like, what’s their fuckin’ ideas?”
Diggle describes his surprise at his band’s
longevity. “When we started we never thought
it would last this long. We never realised that we
would become this famous.” For such an enduring band, the sheer quantity of line-up changes
has been immense. Directly after their first album was released, drummer John Mayer and lead
guitarist Howard Devoto left to join other bands.
Numerous other musicians have filled their vacated roles in the years following, but Diggle and
vocalist Pete Shelley remain the band’s omnipresent members. Diggle says of his former band mate
Devoto’s departure that “he wanted to do some
other things, we didn’t know what he wanted
and we obviously weren’t providing. He made the
record and said ‘Now I’m leaving’; we were left
thinking ‘Alright, we just got going, thanks mate!’
But we carried on, it was better really; in terms of
the chemistry, we became closer as a band when
he left.” Though having not seen Devoto in “twenty or thirty years”, the original line-up will be performing together in London, over the summer.

The live performance is, for Diggle, the most
fundamental part of a musician’s role. Regardless of
the quality of deliverance, the act of playing live and
communicating with the audience is of the upmost
importance. “If I play something wrong, no one gives
a toss; life’s not perfect, so why do you have to play
perfectly? It’s in sync with the human condition;
it’s flawed as well.” The energy that this flawed performance can produce cannot be replicated through
headphones or stereo speakers for Diggle; “Punk was
made to be performed live and to be experienced.”
The emotion that can be transferred from guitar to
body is central to the entire experience. “With those
songs, when they came out you had to rethink your
whole consciousness about how you were listening
to music and what it was doing. It wasn’t just simply entertainment; it had things in there to inspire.
People could take the excitement of some of the lyrics away with them; even if they were a road sweeper
they could hear those songs and sweep their roads
differently from that point on.” Through this great
exchange between audience and band, Diggle disregards the use of so-called ‘machine music’, arguing
that such a intense exchange cannot be replicated if
there are no instruments involved; “The testament
is that people still come to see us, as a band which
is a living organism. It‘s almost as if we are organic;
we come out of the ground and we can play live and
through this. Magic can be created from the living

thing. The clacking of guitars; it’s a whole different
concept than making pure computer music.” He
emphasises that “Everybody’s at that ‘get your song
remixed’ lark, but you can do that with your big toe
on a computer, just tap it.” The modern phenomenon
of YouTube is also a bone of contention; he argues
that “the internet has made music less precious really,
at the touch of a button you can get a million things.
It’s like eating a box of chocolates, and when you eat
the box of chocolates you feel sick. In our day you
had to go down to a record store and buy the thing.
It might have been no good, but if you invested your
time and money on the record, you appreciate the
good in it, however marginal.”
Diggle seems to have distanced himself from the
punk rage that was stereotypically reserved for the
British government, and has redirected this anger
at the modern music industry. Stating in colourful language that “I’m sure that there’s a lot of kids
out there that are feeling unrest and realising that
they’ve been hoodwinked by the great corporate
fucking weasels that control the music business.”
The products of such an industry enraged him further. “They are the dead, the living dead, some of
these kids look like their mums have ironed their
underpants for them on the tour bus. It’s like ‘Fuck,
when did the music world ever work like that?”
Diggle went on voice rather bluntly that he “fucking hates Justin Bieber.” Presumably this hatred is
not directed at Bieber as a person, but as a representative of a corporate industry Diggle has come
to loath. When asked has he heard any inspirational
music lately, he replied, “Not really, haven’t heard
any recently, and I can’t really say Westlife. That’s
for weddings and funerals, that stuff.” On a softer
note, he reasoned that perhaps modern punk is not
dead, but just not gaining any substantial recognition. “For those musicians who are off the wall different, it’s hard for those bands to get a deal. I feel
sorry in a way that things are a lot tougher now.” Yet
if modern punk musicians do exist, you can’t help
but think that the Buzzcocks aren’t too interested
in finding out about their whereabouts.
Buzzcocks play the Academy on May 11th.
Tickets are priced at €26.50.

21

OTWO Music

album REVIEWS
Of Monsters And Men Labrinth
My Head is an Animal Electronic Earth

M. Ward
A Wasteland
Companion
B+

Graham Coxon
A&E

C+

C-

Icelandic indie-folk sextet, Of
Monsters and Men’s debut album My
Head is an Animal is a charming
and consistently catchy effort. The
band are like a slightly less polished
Mumford and Sons, with less banjo,
more brass, the gentler parts of Arcade
Fire, and a female lead singer thrown
into the mix.
The album is chock-full of refreshingly creative hooks that keep the
listener enthralled; you’ll be tapping
your feet like someone with WillisEkbom disease.
It is not without fault however.
The group don’t cover any ground that
other bands have not already covered,
with some tracks being uncomfortably
generic quirky folk-rock. They are a
blissfully fun listen, but they’re just not
particularly memorable.
If softly sung indie-folk is your bag,
this could well be one of your albums
of the year, but if you want something
with a bit more meat, give it a miss.

The question at stake here is whether
Having mainly spent the last while as
Labrinth can deliver and develop upon the the rugged foil to Zooey Deschanel’s
fresh sonic pull that turned ‘Earthquake’
cuteness in She & Him, M. Ward
into a certifiable crossover hit. Electronic
is back on his own terms with his
Earth has a definite sound, yet it frustrat- eighth record. In twelve tracks and as
ingly fails to create songs that are genuinely many styles, he’s made a record sure
memorable, despite some solid tunes. In the to reinstate him as the internet-era
ballad ‘Beneath Your Beautiful’, Labrinth troubadour du jour.
surprises with a mature, tender collaboraThe bookending numbers, ‘Clean
tion with Emélie Sande. ‘Vultures’ also
Slate’ and ‘Pure Joy’ are outstanding.
provides an example of Labrinth’s talent,
One a hopeful declaration of fresh
and is a grower with an anthemic backing. starts, one a redemptive love song, they
‘Express Yourself’ is a fun reworking of
each have a simplicity of melody and
the classic song, and nicely blends soul and
tender execution that unabashedly
electronica while even managing to name
aims for the heart-strings.
check JLS.
The sunshine pop of ‘Primitive Girl’
The unmistakable touch of Simon Cow- and the country hue ‘Sweetheart’ are
ell can be heard in the mindless pop of
relatively ham-fisted in a harmless
songs such as ‘Treatment’, and the album way, leaving the equally sweet and
as a whole leaves the impression of a
seductive ‘I Get Ideas’ to balance
commercial exercise, lacking the innova- liveliness and intimacy. Even the slow
tion of Kanye’s comparable 808s and
moments, like ‘Crawl After You’ and
Heartbreak. It seems unlikely that
‘There’s A Key’, brim a level of emotion
Labrinth is on course to become ‘King’ of that shows Ward putting all he has
the UK’s urban music scene.
into his craft.

Clearly baulking at thoughts of observing key signatures onstage with the band
this summer, Graham Coxon’s eighth
exhibit for Blur’s backstage ‘Who’s got
the most side-projects then?’ contests is
gleefully dissonant. It’s a meditation on
neurosis and violence that, not forgetting Coxon’s pop credentials, obediently
remains within sight of digestibility.
Here, he shuns his more bluesy sensibilities, evoking instead that evergreen
buzzword, Krautrock, leading to something resembling Iggy Pop’s The Idiot if
advised by Ray Davies and Robert Fripp.
Coxon’s celebrated guitar thumps and
shrieks dominate throughout, and it’s
not so much what he plays that entices,
but how hawkishly he does so, best seen
in ‘What’ll It Take’ and ‘Seven Naked
Valleys’. Satisfying though this is, the
album wearies eventually however, and
one might feel somewhat disenchanted
eight songs in with nothing matching the
gory heights of past classics like ‘Jamie
Thomas’ and ‘Freaking Out’.

Smashing into the charts like a brick
being thrown into the faces of their
pre-teen fanbase, Boyz R Us have been
setting fire to both the music world and
one solitary member of their pre-teen
fanbase. Yes, the Boyz are here, and
they will blow your tiny, reptile mind.
Imagine if John Lennon had sex
with Justin Timberland, Sporty Spice,
Yann Tiersan, House of Pain, and Jeff
out of Community. Then imagine they
all had weird babies. Then imagine
they formed a boy band. Then add more
excellence, and you’ve almost got you
the Boyz.

B

The record starts strong with ‘Pump
Up and Down My Hump Pump’, gains
momentum with summer anthem ‘Hump
on Your Lump Rump’, before dropping
the tempo with the swirling vortex
of ‘Gonna Trump Thumps with Your
Crump Flump’. It is an Odysessian
journey from baby-making grooves, to
pregnancy-inducing shimmies.
In A Nutshell: This is the audio
equivelant of a caramel orgy.
Album of this, or any year.
by Jon Hozier-Byrne

Music OTWO

mixtape
Sixth Year Holiday Anthems
With summer plans on everyone’s minds,
Emily Longworth takes a look at the chooooons
that will make your summer truly epic

Prodigy – ‘Take Me to the Hospital’
To be played directly after you attend
a foam party in high heels, hosted by a
club that has tiled floors. Alternatively,
you may get into a fight with a native
owing to your casual racism whilst
inebriated. Luckily, either mishap
will open up a whole new chapter of
holiday misadventure to you – the A&E
drinking game!

The Doors – ‘Alabama Song (Show Me
the Way to the Next Whiskey Bar)’
Jim Morrison here acknowledges the
universal truth that when one desires to
be shown the way to the next whiskey bar,
nothing – nothing – can deter or suppress
the urge of this desire, apart from the
actual production of a whiskey bar. Don’t
leave anything to chance kids; just bring
them to the damn whiskey bar.

The Dubliners –
‘Seven Drunken Nights’
It is true that every Irish person hates
every other Irish person until they
go abroad, at which point they share
a profound and deep connection.
Uniting them in their newfound
harmony are the songs of the
Dubliners. You won’t need to know
any of the lyrics to sing along, an
indistinguishable warbling will suffice.

Vengaboys – ‘We’re Going to Ibiza’
With all the mentions of Venga Airways
and Vengabuses in their music, one
could easily mistake the complete
anthology of the Vengaboys to be the
promotional efforts of Venga Corp.
That’s until the chorus kicks in, and the
marriage of steel drums with synths
restores the true message of the song:
they’re going to Ibiza.

Darude – ‘Sandstorm’
One of those filthy techno anthems
that you can never remember the name
of, but recognise ‘the way it goes’.
Accordingly, you will bring your best
shelf-stacking moves to the floor when
you hear it playing on the booze cruise
around Gran Canaria. Or maybe you
won’t, because you’ll have passed out
on a Spaniard.
Divine Comedy – ‘Pop Singer’s Fear
of the Pollen Count’
In one of the most jovially up-beat
summer ballads ever written, Neil
Hannon grapples with the burden of
having hay fever - a harsh reality for so
many Irish holiday-makers.
Mickey Joe Hart –
‘We’ve Got the World’
Ireland’s former Eurovision hopeful
has been off the radar since his
appearance on RTÉ’s Celebrities Go
Wild back in 2007, but when you arrive
in Santa Ponsa ready for a week long
piss-up, you’ll see that he’s been busy
playing gigs in Shamrock’s Irish bar
three nights a week. Without fail, he
ends every set with this song.

Pyotr IlyichTchaikovsky –
‘Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture’
To celebrate never having to analyse the
set works on the LC music curriculum
ever again, throw on the full seventeenminute version of “Jack-off-ski’s” Fantasy
Overture during pre-drinks. Drink every
time the horn enters the piece.
Primal Scream – ‘Loaded’
The opening statement ‘We wanna be
free, and we wanna get loaded, and we
wanna have a good time’ earns this song
its place on this playlist, and the seven
minutes of psychedelic-gospel euphoria
makes for ideal listening while you steal
a few cheeky afternoon cans by the
family pool in your hotel.
Pulp – ‘Sorted for E’s and Wizz’
The world’s greatest ode to illegal
drugs is the definitive soundtrack to
your accumulated holiday hangover.
Especially relevant if you’ve chosen a
music festival as your destination - just
remember not to leave an important
part of your brain out there, somewhere
in a field in Hampshire.

The
duffington
post
As tangential as ever and slightly more
sentimental, Cormac Duffy considers
how music makes the mundane epic
Two existential queries of equal weight are
plaguing my mind this fortnight. Firstly,
can I escape the impending unemployment
and general hopelessness that the graduate
workplace and this column’s end present
me? Secondly, how is the song Taylor Swift
recorded for The Hunger Games taste-defyingly better than Arcade Fire’s contribution? Tragically, the topical ring-fence of
this column means I’ll tackle the latter, and
you’ll have to wait for my future autobiography, Will Criticise Music for Food, for the
former’s solution.
Songs now seem to be picked for
blockbusters based on how epic they are, a
quality measured in the recently quantified
and definitely real S.I. units of Dragonforces.
Arcade Fire’s ‘Abrahams Daughter’ is not
actually a bad song. It’s functionally tense in
a plodding Hans Zimmer way, but it misses
the band’s strength. The orchestral Canucks
made their name turning the mundane
transcendent, whether it’s the thoughts that
grasp your mind in the backseat of a car, or
the wish to escape the drudgery of suburban
life. When they spin an interpretation of a
Biblical tale, it recalls a rainy afternoon in
listening to Michael Bolton. Such is this
inverse relationship of subject and grandeur,
that their inevitable concept album about
making a cup of tea will be the soundtrack
to battling dragons on top of a volcano in
space.
In fact, a core purpose of music’s occasional epic nature is its ability to make our
lives seem like more than the sum of their
parts. It starts in the throes of adolescence.
Hormones af lutter and intelligence at its
lowest, all our minor woes feel like the alpha and omega and many reach for culture
that validates that. Think the larger than
life pomp of The Black Parade, or even the
morose swooning The Shangri-Las perfected as the teen tragedy. As with The Hunger
Games, it’s the obvious reason young adult
novels offer a world where a heroic protagonist’s problems are the moody centre
around which their world rotates.
We don’t grow out of it, however. For
every battle-metal record or post-rock
saga, there’s a Titus Andronicus dragging
humdrum recession angst through civil
war analogy on The Monitor or Mumford &
Sons’ ill-defined rallying cries. I do a lot of
unfocused thinking about music, and one
of the few things I’m sure of is that, used
right, it helps the day to day seem a bit more
special, and a bit more tolerable. Lists of
concept albums about unemployment on a
postcard please.
23

Tommy Tiernan returns to Dublin on April 12th
to perform in Vicar Street, taking his unapologetic
and high-paced delivery (of jokes that make you
both proud and embarrassed to be Irish at the same
time) with him. Tiernan has been on the comedy
scene for a long time and he still knows how to
make his audiences laugh until they cry. He holds
the record for the highest selling number of DVDs
in Ireland, but the DVDs are, of course, nothing
compared to the live shows. Tiernan is viewed
by many as one of Ireland’s most controversial
comedians, and as if to prove that we all love a little
bit of controversy, tickets are selling seriously fast.

Ahead of her upcoming appearance on the new series of Louie,
Jon Hozier-Byrne talks to comedy legend Maria Bamford about
mental health, her biggest fears, and honesty in stand-up

M

aria Bamford is not an easy Art and Design), has cemented her place as one
person to talk to. Not in person, of the most original and cerebral alternative
of course, where her warm, high- comedians working today.
pitched tones express nothing
When asked about the remarkable achievement
but support and love, not just in of having her series featured in the prestigious
response to each question asked, but to Otwo for artistic institution, Bamford responds with a
asking them. Rather, the difficulty in talking to casual familiarity that sets the tone for the rest
the LA comic is in getting her on the phone in of the interview, seemingly having forgotten the
the first place. After two hours of unanswered event, “Yes! I can’t remember exactly why, but
phone calls, the stand-up savant finally responds, I know it was featured there. I couldn’t go, so I
chatting nonchalantly while wandering around apologise because I don’t have clarity, it’s terrible
Atlanta, Georgia on one of her many tours.
that I don’t know exactly … That’s about my level
A veteran of late night talk shows, international of business acumen, finding out about my own
comedy festivals, and about every animated career. I’ll google it right after I talk to you, and
show you might care to mention, Bamford shot start impressing myself.”
to fame as the first female comic to have two
Another career highlight, this time one she
half-hour Comedy Central specials, as well remembers, is also on the horizon; an appearance
as with her appearances on tour-turned-film- on the next series of the superb Louie. “I’m going
turned-television series The Comedians of Comedy, to be on the Louis CK show, just one episode, so
alongside Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and that’ll be great. I’m really chuffed to be included.”
Zach Galifianakis. This, coupled with her now When asked if she can give any hints as to the
legendary series The Maria Bamford Show (which episode’s plot, she laughs, “I play somebody he
was later featured in the New York Museum of hooks up with, surprise!”

OTWO

Bamford’s comedy is one of true originality,
perhaps best described as a cross between the
erudite, family-orientated work of Woody Allen
and a surrealist version of ex-Otwo cover feature
Marc Maron, and freely explores the internal
monologues, idiosyncrasies, and anxieties that
make up the comedian herself, something she
reflects on; “In terms of talking about something
that you might want to keep private, because you
think nobody else has experienced it, and then
when you say it on stage and everybody laughs,
you think ‘Oh, somebody else has experienced
this’ ... that’s very thereapeutic, and it can be very
calming to be on stage. It can be kind of relaxing.”
Perhaps these anxieties were most eloquently vocalised in The Maria Bamford Show,
which was set entirely in Bamford’s bedroom
in her parent’s house, after her semi-autobiographical protagonist had a mental breakdown
and was forced to leave Los Angeles and move
back to her hometown of Duluth, Minnesota. “I
wanted to be on the sitcom, or at least I thought
I did,” says Bamford, “and then I thought, ‘I’ll
make my own sitcom’, and the only idea I could
come up with is my worst fear/greatest wish:
what if I lost my mind, and had to move home
with my parents? Almost every sitcom hinges
on a plot of a fish out water, you know; ‘they
were a wealthy urbanite, but now they’ve got to
live in a cornfield’. It came with facing my fears
of what that would be like. There are some
mental health issues with my family, so that
was a legitimate fear. It was also to connect
with my family more, in a way where I would
control exactly what they’re gonna say.”
The single-camera shot, low–budget production proved a massive hit, and articulated a vulnerability to Bamford which endeared her to
comedy audiences worldwide. When asked about
the creative choice to make a show where she
played every character, Bamford jokes, “It was
just me and another guy, and we didn’t want to
split the money three ways.”
Mental health is an issue Bamford is
passionate about, and is a topic she has, rightly
or wrongly, become somewhat synonomous with.
“You know, I’m a white lady, so I had an eating
disorder when I was eighteen ... There’s still a lot
of stigma around those issues and I feel I should
talk about it on some level. Part of what makes
things so hard is when people feel like they’re by
themselves. But I don’t know, I’m kind of on the
fence about it too, because I just like to write fart
jokes as well, but those are equally feelings and
take people out of isolation. A good joke about
poo can really bring everyone together.”
As for the sometimes seering, but always
endearing honesty in her stand-up, Bamford
reflects; “The whole reason for doing stand up,
for me, is to say exactly what I believe, to stand
my ground. Why else would I do this if I didn’t
want to challenge myself to stand by what I think
is true, even in front of a drunk crowd full of
strangers – so why say anything less than exactly
what I mean?”
With that said, Bamford is quick to emphasise
her enthusiasm for trying new ways of writing
and shaping comedy, something she sums up
somewhat beautifully; “As I get older, I would
like to be open to new ways of creating things,”
Bamford pauses, “I don’t know what that means,
but I have been thinking about that. It probably
involves a farm.” Otwo waits with baited breath.
Maria Bamford’s album Unwanted Thoughts
Syndrome is out now.

25

OTWO attempts...

Forming a
Boyband

Never mind One Direction, these lads are
(the) absolute tits, writes George Morahan

I

like to think I have my finger telligence and wisdom. Granted,
on the pulse of modern music, neither of those qualities are guarand if I had noticed one thing anteed panty-droppers, but Wes
recently, it was this: boybands could still bring it. No boyband is
are all the rage again. I knew truly complete without some casual
that I couldn’t front a boyband – I gymnastics, so I enlisted Danny and
don’t have the pout or the abs – but Cormac; both of whom, I was asall the hip, young things are lapping sured, could do flips in any and all
them up, and I just had to get in on directions (but mainly backwards).
the action. So I decided I would play To complete this dazzling quintet,
puppet-master, managing my own I would need a bald one from the
boyband, and to make this dream Wanted, a short one from JLS, a
a reality I would need five lads with ‘Timberlake’ if you will, and Matt
a cool, youthful edge, big dreams, would fit in nicely as the face of the
and big personalities that could be group.
curbed to my own will and easily reI had the lads in place, but their
duced to one defining and market- bland names just wouldn’t cut it.
able characteristic.
Danny sounded sufficiently cool,
I thought I had found them. Jack but there was no option but for
would be the dark, sensitive soul Matt to become Chad, Cormac to
who could set adolescent thighs become AJ, Jack to become Corey,
a-quivering with his brooding and and for Wes to go as Wez – a subtle
furrowed eyebrows, while Wes but important change. I would also
would be the group’s beacon of in- need a name for these sure-to-be

26

teen sensations as a whole. Luckily,
Matt had one: Boyz R Us. It was a
great name, no doubt, but I was wary
– rewarding Matt, when genetics had
already done so much for him, could
only be a bad move; one that would
stoke his ego and encourage him to
go solo before I had earned my millions – but the name just fitted perfectly, maybe too perfectly.
I was pretty sure none of them
could sing, and honestly, I didn’t
need to find out. As long as they had
slick moves, their voices didn’t matter. I roped in DanceSoc to whip my
Boyz into shape, and after intense
negotiations, I was able to secure
them a choreographer. Mark was his
name, and he was an expert in contemporary and hip-hop dance, or
so I told the Boyz. In reality, Mark
knew only Irish dance and agreed
to help us out at the last minute
after nobody else could be found. I
wouldn’t mention this to the band;
they needed to have faith in my leadership and moxie, and this bubble
couldn’t be popped at any cost.
Before they could achieve worldwide success, we’d need to take baby
steps – we’d need a rehearsal space.
After those blasted bureaucrats in
Campus Services wouldn’t process
my admittedly last-minute request,
I took matters into my own hands.
We found a space on the top floor
of the Ag building and made it our
own.
Unfortunately, the lads didn’t
want to practice; they wanted to
stride around campus posing for
photos. That’s all well and good, but
in the words of Linford Christie:
dedication is what you need. I could
feel them slipping. Egos inflated
with every picture taken; they’d be
nursing expensive drug habits in no
time, but damn did they look pretty.
If nothing else, they could coast by
on their looks alone.

Maybe I’d been too harsh on
them. Maybe they didn’t need some
cloying svengali figure with his
trousers up to his armpits and gravity-defying hair that flew high above
his armpits. Was I ever really needed? As I watched them posing by
the lake, each Blue Steel impression
better than the last, I felt a sense of
calm wash over me and a resolution
came to mind – even if they didn’t
need me, I’d definitely still charge
them as if they did and bully them
into believing so. As long as they felt
I was vital to the operation, I would
be. It may have been their looks and
charm that would bring them to the
top, but my unrelenting mind games
would plague their careers and bank
balances.
With all the photo ops finally
taken care of, we made our way to
the ‘studio’, and my delusions came
crashing down around me. These
lads had charisma by the bucketload, but they couldn’t dance for shit.
They couldn’t even apply their own
make-up, and to top it all off, they
were starting to dispute my direction.
Tensions were rising. The situation
wasn’t helped by Mark, who generally seemed bemused and a little distressed by the situation. I needed all
the help I could get in keeping this
boyband together, but he was content to watch and question his life
choices as the band succumbed to
their own vanity. I envisioned a boyband that could combine the abilities
and generally less rape-y elements
of Chris Brown and Michael Flatley
with their dancing prowess, but that
was not going to be on the cards anytime soon. They could hardly even
master the starting stance for an
Irish dance, let alone the ‘V’ formation that would be integral to all of
their most popular videos.
We wrapped up; my dreams
were in tatters, or so it seemed. We
needed to get these guys a gig, so
we could keep this thing alive. Pat
de Brún saw more potential in the
band than even I dared to. He declared them “one of Europe’s hottest
up-and-coming bands” and was resolute in stating that Ents would be
“prepared to break the bank” to have
Boyz R Us headline the Ball this year.
There was only one direction these
Boyz were going in, and that was up.
Boyz R Us, Girls R U is out now. I’m
sure it’s available somewhere. If you
can’t find it, drop by the office and
I’ll burn you a copy.

OTWO
OTWO

Which boy is
your soul mate?

Photographer: Conor O’Toole

Perfect
first date

Take Aoife Valentine’s cool quiz and find out!

ti

Fave
Choons

pixies

Corey

cattle

You

short
walks
on the
quays

man’s Man

Danny

headstrong
sheep

black
coffee

AJ

Would
you
prefer...

boppin’
on a
dancefloor

a shot of
vodka to
the eye

Wez

You
are...
quirky

like your
first kiss...

long
walks
on
the
beach

getting
the luas

sassy

You’d

prefer...

How
do you
picture
your ideal
man?
dandy man

Fave
type of
Herdin’

saw
doctors

sad
finnish
jazz

tractor
pulling

s
in k
w
y
ddl

at a
picnic on
killiney
hill

Do you
like short
shorts?

no

Chad

yes

Forever Alone
27

OTWO

what was your
Worst UCD Ball
experience?

Ordinary Level

“Someone got sick
over my shoes.”

Louise Duffy,
Arts, 2nd year

a

“A friend of mine hit me
in the face with his shoe.”

Cathal Walters,
Engineering, 3rd Year

v

“I got wasted once and
spent the entire Ball alone.”

Aoife Browne,
Engineering, 3rd Year

“Some guy picked me up and
he had an inflatable chair, and
he just crowdsurfed me and I
couldn’t find my friends after, it
was just mad, and they threw
the chair and a load of beer
over me and it was good craic
though, but y’know.”
Leanne Caulfield,
Law, 2nd year