The CCA to close its doors after 67 years, westerners unaware of it in the first place

‘The Canadian Conference of the Arts’ (CCA), a long running organization which promoted a federal voice for the arts in Canada announced today that it will be closing its doors after 67 years. A stingy, jealously fueled federal government has made a move to cut short the the two year funding needed to allow the organization to move properly into the private sector. The eighteen months of extra funding required were deemed too unprofitable by the conservative government, citing a top dignitary on the matter “Let this be a lesson to all those ‘cultural folks’ out there, don’t even try, don’t try at all. It’s oil or bust in MY Canada.”

The CCA has worked with many helpful organizations throughout Canada, such as the Writers Union, the Directors Guild, and many non-profit initiatives aimed at making this expensive, winter hellscape a little bit more worth while. Citing one single mother, struggling to entertain three small children with an unfortunate amount of creativity. “Dear lord, please bring them something I can afford that doesn’t involve whipping hockey pucks against my rental property’s fence, it has progressed from paint to structural damage.”

Although frustrated by the changes, Liberal and NDP representatives across the country remain stoic, if not parent-like “Sigh…just one more thing we’re going to have to rebuild in four to six years when Canada gets tired of this ‘shoot yourself in the foot’ nonsense. Seems like all fun and games until the trickle down kicks in, and we realize it’s going to cost us more to reinstate something like this, then it is to reform it. Especially if I have to do it, I’m going to charge super extra just to prove my point.”

As influential as the CCA has been to thousands across the country, many backwoods, ‘uncultured’ western artistic types have stated that they have never heard of this organization before today’s announcement. One film aspirator comments “Sixty seven years? As in six and seven? Damn, that’s like as old as I’m going to be when I can start affording children.” Another, long term visual artist suggests “ The what? The CCA? They talk about Art in the federal government? Our Federal government? Dudde…that’s fucked up…”

Still, another local dance star questions the long term viability of such an organization. “See, the problem right there is putting the word ‘Arts’ in any title when your dealing with the western influenced conservatives. The deeply entrenched, ‘no pussy left standing’ rhetoric they learn in high school runs strong in those folks. To them, the word ‘Art‘ is synonymous with ‘going to get beat up after class in the ravine’. Hell, I’m an artist and I want to beat up the word ‘Arts.‘”

Does this mean the CCA’s departure will leave a gaping, soul sucking, misery hole in Canada’s ability to compete with cultural industries abroad? Probably, but to most western artistic people, it was this way even before the CCA closed the doors. One professor at a local Fine Art department comments “Change the word ‘Arts‘ to ‘Identity Expression‘, and damn, bob’s your uncle. Also, looking at CCA’s website, guys, you can’t create culture, it just exists. You have to find it and advertise it, not spend tax dollars creating it. Like nobody’s going to tell me that eating Domino’s straight out of the box, in the truck, with my best girl, is not culture. Like we’ve all said before: cram it, Ottawa!”

In a closing remark, the CCA announces a plea for new artistic types to pick up the torch where they left off, something western artists are wary of, as it means they would have to move to ‘that place.’ A critical thinker from Saskatchewan explains it all “They got rid of the Wheat Board! The Wheat Board! You think art has a chance in this climate? You gotta spend money to make money. Yeah, that means offering them a bribe.”