I’m going to write a terrific article today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

That, for all of you old enough to remember, is a paraphrasing of the famous Stuart Smalley; played famously of course on SNL (back when it was watch-able) by current Minnesota Senator Al Franken. For some reason or another, I awoke this morning with a bevy of mixed feelings and emotions from a memorable dream, and I thought of that old skit that cracked me up so much as a thirteen-year-old miscreant.

In some ways I can identify with Smalley’s character: an insecure, emotionally devastated wreck of a man who resorts to looking at himself in a mirror repeating hollow twelve-step mantras to make him feel less pathetic. No, I don’t look in the mirror telling myself that; I’m good enough, smart enough and people like me. I know who I am and who I am not.

I suppose at one point, I did need to tell myself, or at least try to convince myself, that I was a good person. This was when I was trying to clean up my act, with nothing but guilt and self-hatred for the pain my actions caused to those who cared about me. Truth be told, trying to convince myself that I was a “good person,” did little except make me feel worse, because I knew that wasn’t true. I was a self-absorbed and self deluded jerk– a “not so good” of a person. When I finally figured that out and started taking responsibility for my actions, then I actually did become a better person. I still won’t go so far as to say “good” however.

So, here are some ideas for more realistic daily affirmations:

I’m going to have a mediocre, if not disappointing day. And I’m going to avoid and ignore people. Because I’m below average, I’m intellectually inadequate, and people are frightened of me!

Hey, I didn’t crap my pants in my sleep last night. Today is going to be a great day because doing laundry will be a breeze.

If I can make it through the day without committing any serious felonies or homicides, then I’m a winner.

I’m going to fail miserably at my attempt to synthesize my own hemorrhoid cream, but damn it, it burns and the pharmacy is closed.