Congratulations on passing your Cycling Proficiency Test! You are now free to cycle to your heart’s content out in the big, bad world. But before you do that, come hither, young child, and let me have a quiet word in your ear.

You know that Highway Code we made you study and then asked really easy questions to see how much you’d taken in? Forget it – you won’t need it anymore because there are different rules for cyclists than there are for car drivers.

You know the traffic light sequence we told you to swot up on? Forget it, there’s no need to pay attention to traffic lights at all. Because you are a cyclist, you are allowed to cycle right on through them no matter what colour they show. Pedestrians in the way? Doesn’t matter – weave your way through them. Cycling gives you precedence on the roads (and pavements) when it comes to pedestrians. Just ignore their protesting because they’re probably just expecting you to stop at a red light like the car drivers do. And that would be the wrong thing to do!

Also, there’s no need to use your arms to indicate when you’re turning into a side road. You can just turn on in there and not bother telling anyone the direction you’re about to move in. Pedestrian in the way again? Just shout at them to make them move. Or better still, mow them down! It’s bound to hurt them more than it will hurt your bike!

Finally, and this is an important one, remember that it’s safer to cycle on the pavement than it is to cycle on the road. Make sure you arm your bike with a suitably loud bell which you can use to indicate your annoyance at passing pedestrians who have the cheek to get in your way. Some people will tell you cycling on the pavement is a dangerous hazard and, above all, illegal. I say that is Bollocks. You could get hit by a car if you cycle on the road, especially when you’re cycling round a roundabout and could be in any of the lanes when car drivers have to stick to specific lanes depending on which exit they take (remember: this does not apply to you. Cycle in whatever lane you like!). The only hazards on the pavements are women pushing babies in buggies, children on skateboards (the work of the Devil) old people with walking sticks, and blind people with white sticks. These people are likely to refuse to get out of your way, so you may have to swerve round them. Just make sure you clip their shopping bags/walking sticks with your wheels or pedals when you go past. That’ll learn ‘em.

Now go forth and do whatever the hell you want on the nation’s roads and pavements! You sure as hell have earned the goddamn right to do so.