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Friday, September 19, 2014

To the young Hipster who was visibly annoyed when he had to breathe the same air as my children and me at Walmart today...1. Have you ever had to maneuver a "fun" cart? Do you know how heavy those things are? And how ridiculously long they are? Let me tell you. It's like an extra wide kayak filled with cinderblocks on tiny ill-swiveling wheels. That squeak. And then you fill it with pounds of flailing child and pounds of food. Makes it kind of hard to turn on a dime, mm'kay? Honestly you are lucky I didn't run over your Van slip-ons and break your toes. Chalk it up to 7,935 trips to mega super stores with my offspring.You are welcome.2. You have no right to judge anyone. Yes, I am wearing my fat jeans. Yes, I have a sleeping baby attached to my front that is currently filling my cleavage with drool. Yes, I failed to flat iron my hair this morning. But I have two kids that I am trying my best to keep alive. What is your excuse, sir? You are wearing a striped tank and cut off jean shorts. This is Walmart in Greensboro. Not a coffee shop in Brooklyn. When you got ready, were you able to thumb through your tank and flannel collection in peace? Or was there a small person eating a yogurt tube and singing Brother Noah on repeat sitting on your bed? I am guessing the former. Was there someone screaming and pantsing you while you perfected that slicked back rocker hair with the too short sides? I am guessing not. You should have done a lot better considering you probably did all that alone. 3. My wish for you is to meet a nice girl. And the two of you will get married and decide to have a baby. And at the first ultrasound you will find out it is twins. And then two years later, you try for one more baby. And it is triplets. And then I hope you have to take your FIVE kids and go shopping. And you will see how a trip to Walmart is not only a way to get food and elastic waist pants in the same trip, it is also a way to kill two hours between preschool and dinner. And did I mention it will take you two fun carts to cart all those screamers around?I know right now you think you are better than me. I am just a tired wife with annoying kids who almost hit you turning down the cereal aisle. But someday, you will be the exhausted parent with kids that won't be quiet and a cart full of cheese sticks and seltzers and cheddar bunnies and a tacky Halloween door sign. And some a-hole who thinks he is a trend setter will roll his eyes at you and your circus on wheels. And then you will truly understand irony.