Some Toilet Humor

Accidentally, of course. Not as an experiment or anything. It took a dive from out of my back pocket somehow and didn’t write a suicide note, so I figured it didn’t have some death-by-drowning-in-pee wish.

And this is just between you and me, but I pulled that Lincoln-faced bad boy out with my bare hands.

Oh yes I did.

It was a public restroom, so how nasty could it be?

I once dropped a pager into the toilet and it didn’t survive the bath, but five bucks? Five bucks totally stays alive in a bowl of pee, amiright? A few minutes under the hand dryer and you go back out and buy yourself a beer with it.

I’m pretty sure if my husband finds out, though, he’ll want to throw it and everything I wore last night into the laundry.

A minimum of four times. In hot water. He’d probably bleach Abe’s face right off.

But isn’t pee supposed to be sterile or something? I mean, hasn’t some survival guy or two drank it to stay alive until the giant Bassett Hound with the little rum barrel around its neck showed up?

I’m not sure I even want to think about, let alone hear about some of the places you’ve been in. Hey, I know! You should do a TV show about that. 😉 And since you’re auctioneers, you wouldn’t even have to have the psycho people who try to help, you just go in, film the hoarder’s palace, grab some stuff, and get the hell out.

I’ll tell this story as politely as I can.
I was in Walmart, and the call of nature came screaming around the bend like that train in that movie with Denzel Washington. And there were kids and a schoolbus and a paint factory and everything dangerous in its path. So I went into the Walmart restroom, a place I usually reserve for acute desperation. I sat my purse on the back of the tank. To this day I don’t know why. I need to explain that my purse is one of these. http://shop.littlearth.com/s.nl/sc.10/category.4107/.f
I did what I had to do, stood up, and as I was pulling up pants I heard the unmistakable sound of small metal feet losing purchase on a (as it happens) an ever so slightly angled toilet tank.
And a muffled splash.
If it was any other purse I’d have rescued the contents, shoved it in the trash, and promptly purchased another one from Walmart. But, c’mon. EIGHTY DOLLARS. I performed the necessary water rescue. I did what I could with TP. Then I calmly went out to the sink and scrubbed it with soap. When I got home I discarded anything and everything that wasn’t absolutely vital even though the bag is completely water tight. More scrubbing and disinfecting ensued. I wouldn’t carry gum or chapstick in it for a year.
I still have it. Because EIGHTY DOLLARS.

Oh Mah Gah! I have so many things to tell you:
1. I love you.
2. I love that you shared this story.
3. it is an AWESOME story! <— to be sung to the tune of a gay man who really really loves something.
4. You had me at "I'll tell this story as politely as I can"
5. I learned about the classic super cyclone – I'd never even heard of these before.
6. OMG! 80 dollars!
7. This story was wonderful from the very first line to the very last line.

I’ve fished out less valuable stuff, but I generally find something with which to pin the item to the side of the toilet while I flush, thus rinsing the item out a bit and leaving a window of opportunity to dry-hand grab it or just lift it out with the aforementioned item. In a public toilet, one might not have such an item handy, of course. Were I in your situation, I might have used a pen from my purse, assuming such and such.

You have to drink your own pee because, from what I learned from those awesome cartoons when I was young, he shows up, cracks it open like a little mini bar, mixes up an awesome martini, drinks it, and then runs away going “woof…woof…hic!…woof…woof…hic!” hehehehe… 😉

I too would plumb the depths for a fiver. You could almost buy a magarita with that! Also, I carry this bottle of Dr.Bronner’s lavender hand sanitizer (in the handy purse-sized spray bottle), so that bad boy would’ve gotten a serious spritzing before being spent appropriately.

So sweet thing, add a Google+ icon if you can, so I can +1 you all over the place!

I’m so glad you brought up the Google +1 button – I got rid of several separate plugins and added one that does them all, including Google +. So if you decide to +1 me all over the place, let me know if it doesn’t work.

You are right on all accounts: I would have gone in after it, washed me & it with hot soapy water and dried it under the hand dryer; pee-pee is sterile (until it hits the air) but it’s the toilet that I would worry about; and my hubby would have wanted to wash everything 5 times in hot water – or just thrown it all out. TeeHee

Funny, I JUST swore to myself that i would never tell this to anyone, but now I feel summoned by god to tell…here goes: Just moments ago i used a Starbucks toilet (that is not the gross part) & right after i got up I saw 3 to 5 curly black pupes directly under my sheet protector!! I hope it that slick, thin piece of paper did it’s job!

Well … money is money, but I would probably have let it go unless the public toilet had a container of clorox that I could disinfect with. 10 bucks is a different story, Clorox or no Clorox I’m going fishing, but that’s just me.

I love your logic for finding it okay to fish the $5 bill out of the toilet. I’m hoping it rinsed off before putting it under the dryer and not just baked the pee on it. I’m also hoping you used it immediately and let some poor sucker have the pee-stained bill in their possession. Let’s just hope you don’t get it back.

It’s all relative, I guess. I would stop at anything below, say, two dollars and fifty cents. Although I think I would just take the two dollars and leave the coins in the “fountain”. Maybe make a wish or something before I flushed.

I’m soo totally with you. I’d have gone fishing for that Lincoln as well. I’ve managed to drop my phone in the toilet once but that was before I peed. Had to get it replaced cuz it was toast. One of my coworkers dropped her pager in the toilet once too. We try not to take our electronics in the bathrooms at work now lol

Ha! At first I debated clarifying that the 5 bucks was one single bill, as opposed to 500 pennies, because even though 500 pennies constitutes 5 bucks, I think I would have left that in the toilet. Because I, too, have boundaries.