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Sunday, January 16, 2011

One Serious Post a Year Can't Hurt, Right?

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit."Emmanuel Teney

In a recent conversation with my best friend, I learned a life lesson that I hope to keep with me. I'm sharing and baring a bit of my soul with the hope that someone may need to hear it and might learn to let go like I am to learning too.

The background to the story begins when I was texting my bestie about how dang happy we are. I'm not trying to brag, and you'll hopefully see that in a bit. Let's just say that I am very happy right now. Life is good and I am grateful. She was mentioning that life is good for her right now too (4 months into a relationship that is going swimmingly well).

So I asked her, "Do you ever worry that you're too happy and that something might happen to take it all away? Like you just don't deserve this and soon enough you're going to get what's really coming to you?"

This is a real, real fear of mine. One that I lose sleep over. Night after night I worry, what would happen if....Usually it ends in a soaked pillow and a prayer to Heavenly Father to "help thou my unbelief (Mark 9:25)."

I will never forget my friend's response- it totally shocked me as I was expecting her to say, "YES! I totally agree with you and see what you're worried for, and you're a genius."

Instead she said, "Fear is a secondary emotion caused by guilt. I think we deserve any happiness that comes our way."

Hold up, Lady. This means that I'm not worried that I will lose what I have- it means that I feel guilty for having such joy? Then it all clicked. That was exactly what I was feeling. I was carrying one fat load of guilt on my back. Guilt for a lot of different reasons and all things that I had apologized for my part and should have moved on like a normal person. Guilt over things that I couldn't control or do anything about or help with. I felt undeserving of the happiness that I'd worked for and been blessed with.

Now, I am a lady of faith and I have been trying so hard to accept God's forgiveness as I know He's been generous in granting it. I had repented properly. I had tried to have more faith to know that everything will turn out alright. I had tried to focus on the good and let fear go away. I tried so many ways to move past these issues and yet the fear of losing had haunted me.

Haunted me until I realized that it wasn't fear, it was guilt. As soon as I read "it's not fear, it's guilt-" I felt lighter. I knew she was right, she was the genius. This has helped me in infinite ways. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning that I do deserve my fantastic husband and kids. I deserve whatever blessings I am granted. I'm finally learning that I am loved more deeply than I will know in this lifetime. And you are too!

And so, with this in mind, I decided to join in on a blog I frequent: simple as that. She shared this postabout New Year's Resolutions. Rebecca picks one word to incorporate into her year and tries to live and embrace this one word. Rebecca chose 'strength.' Well, I have a word...

3 comments:

What an incredibly beautiful post...I am so glad you came by The Dilletante Proprietor and I got to find you! I, too, have been struggling with this...my faith in God Almighty has strengthened on a daily basis since I began to put my trust in Him...recognition is a powerful thing...thank,thank, thank you and your "bestie" for this beautiful enlightenment! I am so excited and grateful for this! God Bless you! Lisa

my sister does that: picking a word to focus on as her new's resolution...i think it is simply marvelous. i've done it in the past myself and this year just didn't get to it.but i think that your friend is right...that it is more guilt that worry over present happiness....i know that i worry as well that the "what if..." might just happen to me in all my bliss....such a terrible attitude to throw in our Father in Heaven's face when he has blessed each of us so much. I try to remember that when i am praying and make sure to express my never-ending gratitude as the blessings that i am so unworthy at recieiving from Him....but that I am trying to live the life that is worthy of them....i digress (and ramble) delightfully enlightening post Kate :)