Unmarried and childless: socially frowned upon?

A person in a long-term relationship refuses to get married and has decided to not have children; their partner commits to the same arrangements for shared career reasons, lifestyle preferences, and philosophical views.

In some cultures, this is considered selfish and immature to the degree of being disowned for disgracing the family. They may be ostracized as crazy and suspicious by members of proper society.

(Please select one option for each question below.)1. What do you think about this couple's type of attitude and behaviour?2. How can such a person respond in a tactful manner after being asked persistently in a casual way about their life plans by professional colleagues?

comments

It goes against basic human nature. But personally I don’t care. If you’re dumb enough to choose not to have kids, at least you aren’t passing on your poor philosophy to your children. So more power to them.

@tech.ladki "I don't see any other reason to have kids" That's precisely what your "opponents" are saying as well, plus they're trying to drive home the point that it's not a good enough reason in the end. Just sayin'

You're Indian. I get it. Do whatever makes you happier. Kids are not for everyone. To use absolute blanket statement that every couple must have children is ludacris. Also, marriages are nothing special. If anything, they bring more sadness than happiness to all involved. 200 years from now, I doubt marriages will exist. It's an ancient practice supported by a stupid tax code and the constitution. People should be able to live however and with whoever they please in a free country.

iVX372 - “community would just be more fluid”? Really? Don’t agree - people can’t be comfortable in fluid communities when their children are being raised by the community. Heck they are not comfortable now when we almost live private lives!! Things will get 100 times more rigid.

@ToopyToo You're assuming that what's true for you is true for everyone. Whether or not one is comfortable living and rearing children in open, fluid communities depends on one's degree of social openness, and the nature of one's social relationships.

@iVX372 - sir, my assumptions are based on common sense understanding of human nature. I am a parent and I know a lot of parents. It seems you are the one making wild assumptions here. Anyway - I have nothing more to add here.

@ToopyToo I've met people just like you, and people who are very much the opposite, in fluid communities as I described. What you see as a "common sense understanding of human nature" may reflect the majority of Americans, but definitely not all.

My two cents1. The primary reason to have kids is so you're not old, sick and lonely. Especially true in cultures with strong bonds between parents and adult kids.People who don't want to marry and have kids usually haven't thought about slowly doing alone by themselves. That's probably why the OP is having trouble responding about their future life plans.

2. If you have kids only because of social pressure, you are probably a spineless coward.

It really feels like the reasons you suggest like leaving a legacy, or a vague definition of fulfilling life are not strong enough to justify a 20 year longcommitment that will take away LOT of your time, energy, dreams, and money. Of course, just my personal opinion

Personally, ROI need not be monetary but yes, to me a major factor in wanting to have kids is the opportunity cost of all that you can do with the time, money and energy. After all, you can't love your kids who aren't born yet. So why? Is a life raising kids more fun than retiring a decade early?

Almost everyone has kid's and passes on their genes. Doesn't feel great or unique. I find adopting a kid (especially from a third world orphanage) more motivating considering the impact of totally transforming someone's life.

It also feels more fulfilling to me to pursue personal interests, traveling the world or researching on genetics than having to lose all my personal freedom and bear all the nagging that come with kids.

May be I just can't see wanting to raise a kid as a passion similar to wanting to climb the Everest, or painting. PS:I am not sure if most Indians look at children from an ROI perspective, never heard that from another Indian. Not saying Indians are not superficial, but that's another thing.I wonder if everyone having kids is doing it for the emotional support later in life, even if they don't consciously look at it from a ROI perspective

I don't want kids & I don't want to marry either. I don't care about these social/religious norms too much, just do what feels right to me.I don't care about the gene pool & reproduction at all, rather proud to be able to have a choice and take myself out of this pointless game. The universe does not give a shit about a few more or less humans, we are all just parasites.

There is no other reason to have kids. And it is extremely dumb to spend so much time and energy on raising kids when you could have done a lot more in your life.My parents have me for financial support just in case things goes beyond their means , and if they are really sick, I'd do whatever I can to provide emotional support.

@FBAren't you concerned about personal interests if any that may be impacted by the resources in raising kids? Like traveling the world, pursuing your passion like research or any other low TC career all become way more changing to do.

you could have retired almost a decade earlywithout kids. Is it worth for you to work a decade longer just to help raise someone?

I will say that one part of this a biological urge for sure. Once I reached 20 kids went from obnoxious to cute to me and that makes a big difference. Before that I was in the “wow I should probably have kids so that I have a family when I’m old but it’s a huge sacrifice, ugh” boat. The same thing happened to my fiancé but later, like when he was 25

It’s not one’s set of genes, but a sum of sets. the ones that are minimally capable of making the world a good place to live are deciding not to have kids. If I want to have kids, I will adopt a kid from my country..

I want to share a perspective that has served me well over the years. Most things in our lives are not binary ( sorry techies ). There is no absolute good or bad, no black and white buckets of ethics. Everything is different shades of grey. The only constant thing is action and consequence. If you are ready to accept the consequences, go for it.

Personal matter and lifestyle choice. This is 2019 for God's sake. One should be free to choose to lead the life they want. That said, people will ask you questions especially in an Indian society. Just be equipped to answer approximately.

People asking you about it at work are either socially clueless or just narrow minded fools. Same with people who have to immediately judge your choice and declare it a "bad choice".

It's just like colleagues who keep suggesting you "must have another child", not knowing you want to but are unable.

Practically, though, pay attention to your social circle and seek out people who truly appreciate you for who you are. Life is hard if your the only child free couple in a sea of parents. even the best of them cannot help but steer conversations to child rearing.

You will be judged. All the bloody time. By random strangers. Get used to it.

What you want to do in your family life is your own business, and anyone decent at work will respect that and not really care. Your manager may ask about it to understand your family situation, and to help build rapport, but if anyone judges you or treats you differently based on your preferences, that's their problem.