B listed for brothers wedding

Hi, I am new to this and just wanted some advice please and views as Ive had 4 weeks of grief about my brothers wedding in the summer. Really unclear as what to do about it as it stands.

Some background. I have 2 bothers, we are not particually close and live 300 miles away. Neither brother has visited me in the last 8 years , and I have only seen them briefly at my mum and dads home. I do think there was ever a big falling out, we have all just lead very different lives and lived seperatly. I have been married 20 years, both brothers attended my wedding and I attended my first brothers wedding 21 years ago. Last time we are all together was for a golden wedding celebration 1 year ago.

Christmas time brother number 2 anounces he is marrying his GF of 18 years. March my mum tells me she has her invite. Three weeks later there no invite has appeared for me. After long phone calls it transpires my brother sent the email invite to a very old email address of mine( despite having used my current email for sending of photos in the last year). I then receive a email invite to the wedding reception at 3pm in a village hall. The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people and me and my husband have not been invited to this. However my other brother and his wife and 3 children have all been invited to the wedding ceremony, for a pub lunch afterwards , as well as my godmother and my parents, and then on to the evening do.

I was really hurt by this and after much upset and tears , and my DH being mortified at being b listed decided we would have to decline the evening invite. There were many phone calls to brother and mum and dad to try and resolve this. Brother even at one point stated he was not accepting our not going as there would be " consequences" . . He has explained that the venue was picked in haste and they did not know it would be such a big deal for people wanting to be at the actual wedding. They feel that the evening reception is the highlight of the day and the wedding bit is just a formality.

I do know that my invite was different to my other family members as I have had my mum read out hers over the phone. She too has been very upset my this and my dad has even offered to give up his seat so I can go....obviously not going to happen. My brother will not admit that there was an a list and B list of invitees. He says he didnt think we would be going to come so thats why we were offered the evening invite only. He has since said that if it means that much to us ( which it does) being able to attend the wedding, he will somehow wangle it so we can be there. He does seem very concerned now as to what to tell people if his sister is not there.

On my last converstaion with my brother I asked then if he could send me and my husband a new invitiation and then we could put a line under the whole mess and start again. The converstaion ended with him laughing at me.

Oh Dear. What a mess. I do want to be at my brother wedding. I have asked if this anything do do with my SIL but appearenty not and she also has problems with having divorced parents who dont speak to other and are both invited and say they will not go if either of the others is there.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a new invitiation ?

Seems we have created world war 3. I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people. I say this as it appears some of my brothers friends and other realives invited to the evening only are upset. I have only heard this from my brother and have not discussed this with anyone other than my mum and brother involved, out of courtesy to my brother and SIL.

You've said yourself that you don't see him often, and make no attempt to visit each other. If he can only have 20 people at the actual wedding, it seems natural that family that you aren't overly close too wouldn't be there.

He's said that he didn't think you'd mind, and he's offered to try and get you a seat (which will mean telling someone else that they can't go) and that's still not enough.

If he's invited other friends and relatives to the evening only, you weren't singled out.

I really think you've made a massive deal of this, and you need to drop it and be happy to attend the evening. It must feel like a nightmare for the bride and groom.

Yanbu at all, you are his sister and should be with your oter family members lie your mum, dad, oter brother and godparents. You are not a friend or a cousin, you have every right to feel use tank snub the invite

I think the thing is there are limited places at the ceremony and lunch. That means they have to choose and leave some people out. You haven't seen him for 8 years - maybe 20 other people have been very close to him and his wife to be in those eight years - should they be the ones to be left out?

Family relationships are not based simply on blood giving you rights to first dibs on everything. They are about building and maintaining closeness and affection. If he wasn't important enough for you to stay in touch in the last eight years, can you blame him for thinking you wouldn't be that bothered about coming to the whole day's events?

Plus - he is right, the ceremony is boring - the party starts at the evening do.

Going to the evening do with good grace and wishing the couple all the best, could be the start of you rebuilding the closeness that has fallen by the wayside.

yanbu immediate family should be invited to the ceremony and the afternoon/eve celebrations , if you have never had a big fall out and your other brother is invited i would feel very insulted if i was you .

I do feel for you op but I also feel for your brother, sounds as if he is fielding lots of complaints which must be stressful. However, his inviting your other sibling and family but not you and yours was bound to cause upset. If he had left you both out that would be different, bearing in mind you have said you are not close.

So he said that he would organise for you to attend, and you said you needed a formal invitation? That is a bit odd. But then my PIL got v stroppy with us because we didn't send them a formal invitation to our wedding. We sort of assumed they would be there... People are odd about weddings.

yabuhe has underestimated the interest in the ceremony, presumably because they have been together for 18 years, and see it as the "official bit"he's realised you are upset, and now said you are invited.

And then you say you don't want to go, so, what, you don't want to celebrate any of it with them?

Bit confused actually, you say you were sent an email invite for 3pm, but then say you are just invited to the evening?

Asking for a new invite, really???

"I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people" It's their wedding, they are doing it to get married, not make other people happy, bloody hell