If you don't celebrate your favorite NFL team with branded toast, then you can quit calling yourself a fan.

Written by

Dave Barry
| McClatchy-Tribune

This is assuming, of course, that you live in 1985. If you live in the current year (2012), you're too late. You were supposed to do your holiday gift shopping on Thanksgiving.

In the old days, Thanksgiving was not a shopping day. It was a day when we expressed gratitude for our many God-given blessings in the same way our Pilgrim forefathers did: By eating a 27,000-calorie meal, then spending the rest of the day lying motionless watching televised football while burping gravy fumes. ...