May 06, 2010

A lazy thyroid, art therapy and a lesson from God

Last week, on my weigh-in day, I woke up to find that I'd gained. I think I'd gained about a pound or something really inconsequential...the kind of thing that makes Adam roll his eyes at me.

(This isn't a weight loss post, I promise...)

Having been to the endocrinologist and having been told that while my thyroid antibodies are still elevated my thyroid is testing "normal," I thought tracking points and going back to Weight Watchers was going to work. Why wouldn't it? I tested "normal."

Well, I think normal is a relative term.

The truth is, I gave myself a month. A month of tracking. By that time, I should know if it was going to work. So when I woke up last Tuesday to find out I'd gained, I admit, I was discouraged.

Then I sat down for my morning devotional, which is part devotional/part therapy because every other day I'm working on exercises in a Geneen Rothbook...

...and yes, I am learning a LOT about myself. It's amazing. A little confusing with all the head knowledge I've carried around forever, but still...amazing.

Anyway, I decided to look up the word "gain" in that nifty little back of the Bible thing we call a concordance and among the many verses I read was one that really jumped out at me.

Phillippians 1:19-26:

"For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to myearnest expectationand hope that in nothing I shall be ashamaed, but with all boldness, as always so now also Christ will be magnified in my BODY, whether by life or by death."

Something about this really jumped out at me. Something about Christ being magnified in my body, but even more than that... my deliverance comes through prayer according to MY EARNEST EXPECTATION. And I got this picture of a bird. Freezing. Sitting in the trees, expecting spring. She's just waiting because she knows it's coming. But where the heck is it already?

Her expectation is earnest... and eventually, spring will oblige. Spring will arrive. But only in its own time.

So, I decided to paint her. I've only just started painting things that actually mean something to me. So far, I've done three paintings that have messages that come from my life...and now I understand the concept of art therapy.

This is my birdie.

That's me right now. Waiting with earnest expectation for spring to arrive. For my answers about my body and my thyroid and my tendency to abuse food by starving myself, punishing myself, or eating carelessly...whatever it is...

I don't have to explain that trying to work through disordered eating while battling a thyroid problem presents all kinds of difficulties.

But it's a diet, which goes against what Geneen Roth is teaching me through these eye-opening books of hers. Is a diet okay for a former anorexic/bulimic if she has health issues?

If you can't tell, I am way into over-analyzing.

I wrote in my journal several months ago, "This is a season of learning." Boy, is it ever. I told Adam I'd found that in there and he laughed and said, "Shouldn't every season be a season of learning?" I know he's right, but I think what God was trying to tell me was..."Prepare to learn some hard lessons. Prepare to dig up your junk, all that junk you've had buried and deal with it. All of it. I want to use you, but these things are standing in the way."

I love learning. But some lessons are harder than others.

So. I am on the hunt to determine what's wrong with my thyroid while still striving to love and honor and respect this body God's given me.

Well, each time I read about your thyroid..I think about myself. I am 34 years old. I started having issues with my thyroid. I would be hypo. then hyper. The doctor told me that I had high levels of antibodies too and that I was hyper. Come to find out I had hashimotos. I had a lump on my thyroid in 2007 and had it tested. In early 2008 I had my entire thyroid removed because I had several lumps and come to find out..I had cancer as well. Luckily it had not spread..so now I take thyroid meds. to suppress my levels. You would have thought that after 2 years, things would be better for me. But I can not lose weight. The doctor says I am on the right meds. I walk, I starve, I eat healthy, I dont eat well..it is a yoyo cycle. I have changed my eating habits since Jan. of this year and I have been eating healthy and I have only lost 10 lbs. in 5 months. No matter what I do...I just can't get the scales to budge. With all that said...you are not alone. I could lose weight easier before I had my thyroid removed. Now it is really hard. Good luck. Sounds like we both need it!

I don't have anything brilliant, or even marginally clever, to say right now, but... You know you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in real life, right? Inside and out. Also, "earnest expectation." I like that!

Love this post and your honesty. I'm counting points again too, and am annoyed by my inappropriate relationship with food. It's ridiculous. I starve or eat all day...feast or famine. Not a good thing. I am off to look for this Geneen Roth book tonight at the library. I picked up Kelly Roth Robert's (I think I got that right) book today...and am going to work through it. I'm trying to go to art for therapy too....and I just love your little bird!

Honestly, Courtney we could be twins when it comes to FOOD. I had a thyroid issue for several years but thankfully it is better. What really messed me up {besides my addiction to foods, every diet book ever written and I'm serious} was my hysterectomy 6 years ago. What a mess!!

The past month has been nothing short of a miracle to me as my husband and I have managed to lose weight without totally starving and feeling deprived then pigging out. I have lost 11 pounds...but it has only been with diligence at counting every little calorie. I think...can I do this for the rest of my life? Because I love food. It is my comforter...but I am determined to keep on losing and learning how I can still enjoy food and not abuse food.

Anyway, I appreciate your posts. They really get me to thinking!! I mentioned your blog in my post today!!:)

Don't be so hard on yourself. you are truly amazing! I seem to have the exact same food issues, don't eat alot, then overeat, then get mad, starve, overeat. repeat.....I know just what you mean!
love your birdie/art therapY!
and thanks for the book ideas!
I am going to look for that one tonight!
tara

I've posted before but need to again to say that you are a gifted writer with a soul for storytelling. Stories change the world and you have indeed changed mine. Thank you for being open, honest and REAL! BTW -- is your artwork for sale? I love the birdie! Big hugs and deep appreciation. Bonnie

Hey girl! i am so bummed for you that you gained at weigh in. when that has happened to me i feel like a total failure. ugh. i hate to fail. i am an overachiever. failing isnt an option. and yet i fail big time with my weight. that's probably why i go 120% on everything else - to make up for it.
hang in there! you are doing the right thing and its a process, a long journey to figure out what's behind it all.

Wow. So did I catch in there that you've had an eating disorder? Well, I guess enveloped in the anonymity (semi-anonymity, anyway) of the internet world, I have to tell you that this post struck a very raw nerve in me. One I have buried apparently SO deeply that I've convinced myself I conquered it. I recently had a few years of stress and craziness. When it came to a head, I had prayed and prayed and I heard the Lord telling me that I needed to confess. So for about a year, little by little, I told my husband things that needed to be confessed and we fixed things- everything from a line of credit I had taken without his knowledge for my business to a (thankfully) untaken opportunity to have an affair. I had made a lot of mistakes. My husband's grace and forgiveness had been second only to God's, and those things aren't the point. I kept turning around, kinda looking up at God and saying, "That's it, can things get better now?" and the answer always seemed to be this nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach that said "no". Then I realized I had one thing left, one thing no one knew about. Since the age of about 13, or maybe all my life, I've had a love hate relationship with food. I've never been obese, but I've never been skinny, either. The message always was that whatever I was, it wasn't good enough. So from that young age, I would go through cycles of binging and purging; of starving myself. Of taking my mother's Dexatrim. I never lost any weight doing any of these things, I think they were mechanisms for my own self esteem. I finally, very recently, confessed this to my husband. I told him, and I have convinced myself I have everything under control, and I think I do- I too have been diagnosed with a thyroid that swings both ways. But the truth is every day is a struggle between food and me. I don't binge and purge much anymore, occasionally when I feel I've really overdone it. I was actually internally proud of myself for not 'getting rid of' any of the Krispy Kremes or other 'trigger' foods last weekend... but I know the binge effected me just as negatively. I can lose weight; I have. I've never needed to lose any more than 20 or 30 lbs to feel good, but when I get to a weight I desire I obsess about how to keep it there. Your post really helped me realize internally that maybe there is a bigger problem, maybe I do need more help. I think I'll go get a copy of that book you're reading...

Hi, I accidentally ran across your blog while searching for something else. I just wanted to say that I am an art therapist and I think that is absolutely wonderful that you are using art and imagery to help you in working through your issues. It's fabulous that you are working on your own for self discovery. It would be awesome if you could see an actual art therapist for further guidance and instruction. There is so much more to be discovered. I also think it's great that you are using God's word in conjunctions with everything else you are doing. That is huge! Keep up the good work and be encouraged by his word and your art.