When my husband left me my world was blown apart; then he came back. I thought that was what I wanted but I struggled everyday to stay. This blog serialises the journal that I kept all those years ago. It helped us to survive & I learnt so much, if you have found yourself in that bleak place then I hope it helps you. We recovered we are stronger, but it was the hardest thing I ever did.

Day Ten (Thursday) The Battle for Divorce begins

Thursday April 19th 2007

Today was the day I had to attend the solicitors. I put on a dress that I have always loved and not been able to get into for some time. It was still unseasonably hot for April, and it hit me that it was far too nice a day to be attending solicitors to start divorce proceedings.

I can honestly say that I drove there in a blur, a state of shock at what I was about to do. Grant the mortgage broker called me as I was going into the solicitor’s and asked me if I was okay. Bless him; he cared more about me than the man I had been with for the last nine years.

There I was, sitting in the Solicitors waiting room with other women of all different ages wondering what the hell I doing there? This time last year Danny and I were on holiday in Mallorca, we had such a lovely time and, as we always used to do, we laughed constantly throughout the holiday. Now I was sat in a solicitors office getting ready to start divorce proceedings against Danny and I realised that my life was all a lie.

I think the solicitor knew that I was still in a state of shock; my eyes were brimming with tears and I was shaking, and he asked if I was sure that I wanted to do this, I told him I was sure. I instructed him to start proceedings against Danny citing adultery. I did not know where he was, although I was aware he was with his family in Essex, and I asked him to send it to Danny’s sister’s address. She thought the sun shone out of his arse, let her give it to him!

When I came out of the office Grant rang me again to check that I was okay. Whilst I was talking to him I realised, for the first time in a long time, that I was getting admiring glances from men, it was a small thing that meant so much at a time when you feel like crap. It made me realise just how much ‘She’ and Danny had played cruel mind games with me, like a dripping tap over the months, making me feel so unattractive and awful. Yet here I was, devastated but now over a stone and a half lighter, toned and really fit and I was looking good again. Better than ‘She’ ever would.

On the way home to Kent I was caught up in a traffic jam at the river crossing and I noticed that some men in a van were looking at me. I wasn’t interested in them, but the fact that they were looking at me made me feel good, and I realised that I was no longer the shadow that I had been for the past few months. Despite all the things that they had done I was no longer in the shadow of someone else; I had found myself again and I knew that I was and always would be, better than her.

When I got home I decided to stop in town and buy myself two new CD’s: Justin Timberlake ‘Future sex, love sounds’ mainly for the song ‘What goes around comes around’ because I knew that for Rich it so was going to come around and bite him on the arse! That song became my anthem during this time, because I knew that what it said would come true.

The other one was Nelly Furtado’s album “Loose”, because of the track ‘Say it right.’ I was getting my own music collection, uncontaminated by Danny, and I felt elated; I felt that I could take on the world.

Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfill my needs

A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all……

‘The greatest love of all’ performed by George Benson Written by Linda Creed, Michael Masser •