Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Special to TPN News — The senate voted on Wednesday to terminate
Senator Ted Cruz’s (R-TX) marathon speech. For 21 hours and 19 minutes, Cruz leveled a verbal assault on President Obama’s signature healthcare law. The unanimous vote came after Senators
could no longer stand the “incredible stench” emanating from Cruz’s mouth,
according to fellow senator John Cornyn (R-TX).

The only coherent part of his
speech came when Cruz repeated the text from the Dr. Seuss favorite, Green Eggs
and Ham, fifty-eight times. Toward the end of this recitation, a clear majority
of senators were seen slumped over sucking on their binkies.

In related news, the Senate voted by acclamation to declare
January 10 as National Sardine Day.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

“Grand Bargain” Struck by Pelosi and Boehner

Ted Cruz in a recent campaign photo

Special to TPN — Following a meeting described as “amicable,” Rep.
Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and John Boehner (R-OH) announced that Congress will
adjourn until after the 2016 election cycle. Pelosi opened a joint news
conference by saying, “We both felt that, since nothing was being accomplished anyhow,
why not take a long vacation and get away from all those pesky lobbyists and
Ted Cruz (R-Texas) at the same time?” Boehner chimed in with, “Nan’s got it
right. We’re both going to a local tanning spa to iron out details for
reconvening in 2016, after which I see almost a thousand days of uninterrupted
golf.”

When asked about the prospect of a government shutdown, Boehner replied,
“Not to worry. The government’s more or less on automatic pilot anyway. It’s
simple. The I.R.S. collects the money and Susie—I think that’s her name—in
accounts payable cuts the checks. She’s only been on the job for three months,
but I think she can handle it.”

As far as the Senate is concerned, Pelosi said that its members latched
onto the idea of adjourning enthusiastically: “Both Harry [Majority Leader
Reid, D-NV] and Mitch [Minority Leader McConnell, R-KY] said they logged onto
Travelocity as soon as they got the word. Only Mike Crapo [R-ID] voted ‘no.’ He
was mad at Rand Paul [R-KY] for making fun of his name.”

Ted Cruz was absent for the vote. He was last seen at Nellie’s, a gay
sports bar on Washington’s U Street, attempting to recruit troops for his Teddy
Militia, whose motto, “Screw Obamacare,” is thought to resonate with the LGBT
crowd. “We advocate the peaceful overthrow of the White House, plus a new paint
job for the old building,” said LGBT spokesman/woman Pied Léger. “We believe
that rose blush with fuchsia accents would be a better color combo.”