Philadelphia MFT

It is impossible to avoid bad news. There will always be painful moments in life and revealing these moments to others can be equally as hard. No perfect time exists to tell someone unpleasant information, but there are some more appropriate moments. Here are a few tips that will help ease the process of revealing bad news:

Process your own feelings first. Bad news is usually difficult for the bearer and the recipient. It is important to have somewhat of a grasp on the situation and your feelings before you attempt to inform someone else. You want to make sure you give a person the opportunity to process the unpleasant news, not your projected emotions.

Be mindful of timing. If you have bad news for someone, it is important to judge whether or not the news is pressing or if it can wait. Some situations are too urgent to be delayed and must be told immediately. If the situation isn’t urgent, try to wait for a time when the person is mentally and physically available to receive the information. For instance, telling someone that their spouse is cheating on them directly before they go into work is not ideal. Wait for a time when they’ll at least have a moment to attempt to process the news.

Prepare for a different reaction than you may have anticipated. Sometimes the bearer of bad news ends up the most beat up. It is easy for displaced emotions to be taken out on the person who delivered the message. Try not to be offended. It is also important to realize that things will not always change. For example, you may tell your best friend that he or she is being cheated on with the expectation that the relationship will end. There is a good chance that things won’t play out this way. Often times people expect for others to handle situations in the exact way that they would. This rarely happens. Instead of critiquing the differences learn to respect them.

Be present within reason. It is likely that the person you delivered bad news to will need someone consistent in their corner. Be as supportive as you can be without becoming drained. It is hard to be a part of a support system when you have nothing left to give. Know when to lend a shoulder and know when to create space. Patience and empathy are valuable assets during this time.

The therapists here at Philadelphia MFT are well aware of the difficulties that go into disclosing bad news. This process can be stressful, problematic, and create a series of different reactions. If you or someone you know is having difficulty handling any form of bad news, please do not hesitate to contact us!

Relationships often go through their fair share of ups and downs. It's natural to have times when things just aren't what they used to be on the romantic front. I like to refer to these periods as times when the "love is low". Stressors on the relationship both internally and externally can make you feel emotionally distant from your partner, which can impact your level of intimacy. Here are three things you can do to survive periods when the "love is low". Acknowledge the IssueBeing able to recognize that you're in a downtime in your relationship is key to surviving it. Pin pointing the when, why, and how of why your relationship has changed can give you and your partner some clarity on how to rectify it. Recognize it Happens to Everyone"Comparison is the thief of joy" is one of my favorite quotes by Theodore Roosevelt and it applies perfectly to any situation in life but especially relationships. When we're unhappy in our relationships, we tend to focus on how happy everyone seems in theirs. No matter how happy others appear to be, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Your energy should be channeled into doing whatever is necessary to revive your relationship.Focus on Friendship & RespectFinally, focusing on maintaining a level of friendship and respect can help your relationship survive the loveless storm. When you establish a certain level of respect and friendship with someone, you are more willing to put in the effort you need to keep your relationship going. You are also less willing to hurt your partner during difficult times when your love is rooted in friendship and respect.The happiest couples are susceptible to falling into a loveless lull. Be hopeful and persistent with the above steps and work to restore what you feel is lost in your relationship. For more information contact Philadelphia MFT.This topic of the week was written by Alanna Gardner, MFT

Everyone knows that no one is perfect, yet we can't help but imagine we will find the perfect partner (tall, dark, handsome, AND all of the same values that we have). Unfortunately this is not a realistic scenario as we all come into relationships with different experiences that shape who we are as individuals and who we will be in a partnership. This is a tension point in many relationships as we learn where our partner's behaviors differ from our own, and subsequently expect that we can change them over time. Have you ever heard a friend or family member complain that they thought their spouse would "grow out of" a particular behavior? This complaint is all too familiar, but the issue often remains unresolved. As a society it seems we are focused on fixing our partners (an impossible feat, as they are not actually broken) and not attacking the root of the problem- our expectations vs. our reality.The space that exists between our expectations for our partner and reality are a main cause for frustration in relationships. But instead of being repeatedly angered by our partners inability to rise to our high expectations, we should instead learn to expect that our partners will continue to do what they have always done (reality). For example, if you know your partner is always late it is unrealistic to expect that they will begin to be more prompt over time. Instead, YOU need to change your perspective and expect that they will always be late and decide how you would like to alter your own behavior to accommodate their tardiness. Some ways this can be achieved are by telling them the start time of whatever event you are going to is a bit sooner than it actually is, or planning to meet them there instead of waiting for them. By changing your behavior instead of expecting them to change theirs you will prevent resentment from building over time.Remember that once upon a time you fell for the person you are with with, flaws and all. These differences are what keep your partnership exciting because they are the challenges you will both face together each and every day. Instead of seeing them as negative traits, learn to adjust your perspective and remember that you have failings as well. No one is perfect, and that is a good thing! So shift the focus from fixing your partner to changing your own behaviors to accommodate the differences between the two of you, and you will both be happier for it.

It happens after spending awhile together – things feel routine, maybe there is a lack of interest or the relationship is starting to feel disconnected. The honeymoon phase of the chemicals of love last until about 18 months, and then the effort begins.

At the beginning of a relationship, everything may have a new feel to it, and that's important to creating a bond – shared experiences to look back on and remember fondly, laugh or even cry.

Going out and “mixing things up” might sound easy, but there's a lot at work to put into it. In situations where the relationship is feeling disconnected and at least one partner has thought of leaving, it may seem manipulative to throw yourself into a situation and really enjoy it and open up to reconnecting. But without the chance to let the emotions arise, we can't really expect them to just turn up in the shower or while watching TV.

Chances are the other person is feeling disconnected, too, and may have similar hesitancy. So you go and have a good time, what is the harm in trying? It gives you more information to work with: Have our interests changed? Is there something else to work on in this relationship?

At the same time, it's detrimental to put an expectation on doing this. Taking a trip or making an ultimatum out of some other experience can color the way you look at the experience. It also isn't addressing that issue that may be about communication with your partner. And sometimes it's the simple things that make the difference. Don't complicate it with expectations beyond enjoying it.

Warning: This might require you to put your phone away. The constant distractions that technology provide can fill the silence that conversation with your partner could fill for the benefit of the relationship. Ask yourself: Why do you need the distractions if you are trying to recommit to your partner?

Communication is key – it's how we learn what is going on with those around us, rather than relying on the feeling we get or the assumptions we make. And while many couples come into therapy expressing communication issues, it is sometimes more of an understanding problem - understand the reasons and outcomes.

What ultimately makes a relationship work is each person feeling the other shares in that commitment and feeling that the other person is trying to and meeting the needs they can and vice versa.

Summer is here, so take the first steps to figuring out what any rough patches in your relationship are about and find the chance to be active in trying to work past them. Doing this successfully will mean being a good listener and talker, too.