does vodka cure farts?

From time to time, I have some pretty unpleasant gas. Now there's gas that's unpleasant to others, and then there's the gas that has you writhing on the floor in pain because your insides are blown up like a balloon and you're terrified that they might just pop.

Recently, I figured out that my frequent bouts of the latter type were caused by eating broccoli, which I no longer eat; but before pinpointing my fibrous green scourge, I discovered that a good swig of vodka entirely and completely eliminated my intestine-wrenching gas pain.

Now, hard alcohol and I get along in general (rum is an exception), and if you don't hold your liquor too well, I wouldn't venture into this home remedy. But it works like a charm for me! Any idea why, PoopReport doctors?

Dear Superpoopy,

I have not personally tried your home remedy to see if I get the same results as you did, but I did do a little research, as usual, in order to come up with an answer for you.

In my professional opinion, based on the facts that I gathered, I think that the results you obtained from drinking vodka just before ingesting broccoli were directly related to distillation. Unlike beer and wine, which are just fermented, vodka is distilled. Distillation is a process that separates chemical substances based on differences in their volatilities.

I am not going to go into detail as to how the process works, but I will say that it is pretty complicated and that there are several "laws" in play, such as Raoult's Law and Dalton's Law. These have to do with the volatility of the vapors of each of the components in a mixture. When one component can change the vapor pressure of another, then one or both of these laws can be held responsible for the change and the resulting effects thereof.

So I suppose that once the broccoli is introduced into the stomach with the vodka, the vapor pressure of the vodka is altered by the vapor pressure of the broccoli. But since the vodka has already been purified to whatever extent it has been, it can consume and control and perhaps even neutralize some of the emitted gases from the broccoli, thus resulting in your not having a painful gas attack.

Or, you could just be drunk and unaware of it. I think that we should get Daphne to try it for us, just for good measure.

Thanks for asking Motherload!

Motherload is a Certified Nurse Assistant as well as an IBS sufferer, which means she knows a lot about poop. Got a question for her? Ask it here.

About the Author

I am a mother of 4 (son 25, twin girls 23, girl 16). I am a flight attendant, certified phlebotomy technician, certified nursing assistant, certified medical assistant, certified apartment manager, and a former school bus driver. I have been reading poop report for years now and thoroughly enjoy it, as I was unaware that there are so many people out there who suffer from the same kinds of malfunctions and mishaps as myself.

Ummmmm Motherload, doesnt peppermint extract mixed in with a glass of water have the same effect. I believe Altoids are also helpful in getting rid of excess gas. Anything with a strong mint flavor or real mint to it. Am I right on this?_______The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

to which I reply with my own query...."you breathe?" in an obvious attempt at trying to point out the incongruous nature of the original question, thereby bifurcating nonce thusly tuning fork convincingly paramount to goiter removal techniques.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

I haven't farted all that much as an adult, and now I know why! Now I'm scared to cut out the vodka, especially since my favorite veggie is brocolli.
Like Homer Simpson has said: "Here's to alcohol-- the cause of and the solution to all of life's problems!"
Naw, seriously, thanks for the science Motherload. You rock! :)

_______'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

My apologies for the words written above Bildgepump. It was the result of some judgemental person making a comment on the Onion Soup story by GGG. My words for yesterday- I'm shocked. No offense to Daphne or Miss Simone. I don't know why I did that, I'll keep it to myself from now on.

It's got to be either something else or some quirk of your biology, Superpoopy. As anyone who has rode on the Moscow Metro can attest, a regular diet of Vodka and cabbage soup makes the train smell like a midwest cattle feed lot. The NYC MTA is divine; the Moscow Metro is bovine!

Your average Moscovite is completely shameless about it. it's not just the incontinent old codgers letting them rip, but even the young and middle-aged. Unless it's unusually foul, there's no complaints, no snickers, no scrunched up faces, no fingers clamping nostrils. Nothing. Except, of course, for the smell of air biscuit that permeates your senses and your clothes.

(Note: I did once actually hear one passenger going off on another about something smelly. Too bad my Russian as weak at the time. It wasn't until I got off the train and had to chance to breathe and think about it that I realized what the woman was berating the other one for.)

They pack those trains too. During rush hour, everybody is squished together. I'm surprised, considering how strong the stench on the train was, that I didn't actually feel somebody's ass cavitating as they passed gas while pressed up against me. I swear, I think farting on the train is like a national pasttime for Moscovites.

Jeez, people don't so much exit the train as they do stumble out gasping for any hint of fresh air. Considering how Russians shamelessly smoke, they demonstrate the good sense not to light up inside of the stations. I think that they might realize that methane and open flames are a deadly combination.

All I can say is that, I'll take the unadorned, monotonous concrete of DC's Metro anyday over the grandeur and funk of Moscow's Metro._______Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Don't forget also that alcohol is a depressent and causes a relaxation of muscle tissue and reduced consciousness of bodily functions. Part of your gas relief may be from relaxation of the muscles in the lower abdominal trunk, resulting not so much in a reduction of gas production but less perception of gas pressure. Your probably letting out little silent deadlies without even realizing it.

My guess would be that you're not drinking top shelf? I say this because sulfur dioxide is one of the compounds that vodka distilleries attempt to remove through up-to-sometimes four part carbon filtering. If you are drinking a vodka that hasn't been sufficiently carbon-filtered, then it may have unwanted types of residue left in it, including the sulfur.

I would suggest drinking better vodka. Have you tried a good potato vodka? It's got less waste particles than vodkas made with grain and molasses, and it tastes wonderful. In fact, there is a potato vodka that has buffalo grass in it that is incredible, but I can't remember its name. If you ever see it in a liquor store, give it a try.

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