'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' as an American horror story

This photo taken Dec. 11, 2013, in Kwethluk, Alaska, shows Alaina David, 2, crying while having her photo taken with Santa. (Mark Thiessen/AP Photo)

NAME: Narwhal Aheeli Goldman Vslugski

CLASS: English as a Second Language: Culture and Customs

ASSIGNMENT: American horror

Today this paper will be discuss of famous American horror figure Santa Claus.

I chose Mr. Santa Claus as opposed to other American horror figure like Charles Manson, Freddy Krueger, Ann Coulter or Satan because of song I hear on radio last week called “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

It is funny to me how Americans enjoy being scared by obese man in red suit.

Jeff Edelstein

To show how horror Santa Claus is to Americans, I will annotate the lyrics to the composition “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” written in 1934 by John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie and first performed on Eddie Cantor's radio show and was an immediate hit, with over 100,000 copies of sheet music sold the next day, according to American website which is always right Wikipedia.

And now, as Americans say, let's go further ado.

“You better watch out.” In my country, when someone says “you better watch out,” you immediately take all your goats and male children and hide in the nearest dung pile. In America, when someone says this to me, I give them my wallet and not look into their cold, dead eyes. This first lyric is most scary.

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“You better not cry.” Showing weakness in the face of danger is never a good idea.

“Better not pout.” Santa Claus does not like American boys and girls who complain. I teach this to my children.

“I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town.” This lyric reminds me of American hero Omar from “The Wire.” I picture Santa Claus whistling “The Farmer in the Dell” as he enters American cities and towns with his gang of always-dangerous reindeer. (By the way, have you watched “The Wire?” You have to watch “The Wire.” It's a great show. I cannot believe you haven't watched “The Wire.” You do have Netflix in America, yes?)

“He's making a list, he's checking it twice.” In America, is never good to be on list. I am on list, I find out last summer when I try to fly home to see my wives. “You can no fly,” I was told at the airplane store.

“Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.” Must be nice. Must be nice. If not nice, I hear Santa pelt you with hard coal rocks.

“He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake.” If my understanding is correct, Santa also does side work for other American horror, the NSA.

“He knows when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.” There is no mention of reward for being good. Even more scary, there is no mention of what badness is waiting for those who are bad. My imagination comes up with many choices: Reindeer mauling you to bloody pulp with antlers; Santa sitting on your chest until you expire; stuffed in Santa bag and thrown off edge of the Earth. I could come up with more, but I do not want to. Ever since I hear this song, I now sleep with very pointy stick from my homeland under my pillow. Also a Glock 19 I get from local gun show.

“O! You better watch out! You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town.” A repeat of the start of the song for emphasis of horrors to come.

In conclusion, I will be sure to lock my doors next week when Santa Claus comes to my American town. Thank you.