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Wednesday, 13 November 2013

The phrase The Dark Side means different things to me. The first of course is reference to Darth Vader and the Dark Side! I am a movie nerd and I love that series. So when I started really working on my mental health I started calling my depression The Dark Side. I feel like Darth Vader, full of dark thoughts, but basically just a lost soul.

Needless to say, I gained a little back, but in general I practiced maintenance.

Monday, 21 October 2013

I have got to learn how to do this better. I need to be able to have treats without eating like tomorow is the end of the world. Ok, I didnt eat thaaaat much, but I wanted to.

Its like I have two speeds. One is I am on a diet, dont even think of deviating from my diet. Then there is the other me. The one with no stop. Eat until my stomach hurts. Thats the one that needs work. If I cant control my Mr Hyde, I will just gain my weight back.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

I finally cancelled my internet service with Rogers! I have been saying I was going to do that for months, but I could not get the gumption to do it. I hate calling a call center and fighting. It makes me anxious and sick. Weird I know.

I wont go on and on about how much I hate them, or how bad I feel they have treated me over the last the last year, but you can imagine.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

One more big push. That is what I am going to say to myself to get to the end of the year. I have a little over two months left and I want to lose another 20 lbs before Christmas. It is doable, especially if I stay true to my diet, and add in some more exercise. I am going to kick it into high gear and give it one more big push.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

I made it out alive! Geez...time of the month and a Holiday! Thats just not right.

No worries though, I am back to my diet. Sadly, I am farther from reaching my goal then ever. Grrrr.
I started walking with my mom, which is pretty cool. I finally got her on a diet, and she is going out for long walks. Surprisingly she is truly dedicated to walking everyday. Which helps me, because I am not.

The weather has been beautiful, and the walks in the woods have been fabulous. There is nothing like a New Brunswick fall.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

I have been eating a little too much for the last couple of days, and I am blaming Aunt Flo. Ugh! It explains so much. I want to eat eat eat...

In other news. My mom is getting married in a couple of weeks. Its just going to be a private ceremony, and no one other than R. and I are invited. How cool is that? She has been with him for over 20 years, and my son is over the moon to be the best man.

Mom said it is going to be very casual, no dresses or anything. I have nothing to wear so I am glad its going to be informal.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

I lose weight, I gain it. I lose weight, I gain it. Or that is what it feels like. Last month I lost 10 lbs pretty quick, then spent the rest of the time going up and down. Thats ok, I measured myself and my inches are down...so there!!

My eyes (the part between my eyebrow and the eye lid) is all droopy. The more weight I loose, the more it becomes noticeable. Who would have thought I had lots of fat there?

Another weird body fact that came to my attention. My stomach is kinda saggy. Its all loose skin, and it feels funny. My stomach is hard underneath (exercise), but I have this saggy belly. Call me weird, but I was happy when I noticed.

Sunday, 29 September 2013

I have been overeating a bit the last couple of days. By over eating, I mean eating from 1500 to 2000 cals a day not my usual 1200. No weight loss this week. My ghost period is lurking and I am craving fooooood!

I was never satisfied, always hungry, thinking about foooood. I looked at my calender and there was my explanation. My period. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I dont. Either way when it comes near I gain a few pounds (strict diet or not), and I become a hungry stomach.

In the past, this is where I usually derailed. I am always (for the foreseeable future), going to go through this every month. So I need a plan to deal with Aunt Flo.
This is what I came up with:

Increase my calories during the first couple of days
Increase my exercise to help nullify the extra calories
Except that my scale will show a weight increase (water)
Take this time to maintain/de-stress from diet
Let this go on for only 1-2 days!!
Try some new recipes

So far so good.

I made a couple of things from Chocolate Covered Katie . Wow!!! is all I can say. Delish. She makes veggie breakfast/desserts that are no/low sugar, but a little higher in cals than I can eat regularly.

Then by chance I made some Oatmeal pancakes from The Biggest Loser, and they are gonna become my breakfast of choice. I will just make a large batch and cook as needed. Nom nom nom

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

No one, (other than my family) says anything about noticing my weight loss. That was until yesterday. I had a couple of my regular customers come up to me and say something like 'Holy crap have you lost alot of weight!' to 'Holy crap you look good!'

Monday, 23 September 2013

I cant promise I wont whine a bit in the future, but I have to look forward. I find the more I focus on a problem (money) the worse/bigger it gets.

I have a family who loves me, I live in an awesome city and fall is here. I have been walking more and more, unfortunately it is at night. I think my goal this month (October) will be to go for walks during the day so I can see the trees turning color.

My other goal for October, will obviously be to lose another 10 lbs. Whatever I lose is better than nothing, but I am going to try for 10 lbs before Halloween. It will be kind of a cheat, since I reached my 170 a little early. So I actually have 5 weeks to lose 10 lbs.

I should be able to do it, since I am going to be adding more walks to my days. I have not been working much these last couple of weeks, so my exercise has been practically nil. I am going to be working nearly 14 days straight so that will also help. Hehehehe.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

I am just a casual employee where I work, and I have been holding out for the dangling carrot (permanent part time) for over a year now. I was told lots of opportunities were coming up. Yah...now it does not look like much will happen before January. I also found out the competition is pretty fierce.

Needless to say, it looks like I am going to be looking elsewhere.

I worked two (2!) days this week!! Thank Goodness I worked 6 days last week. My paycheck, (if I am lucky) will be around five hundred dollars for two weeks. Which I have to pay my mortgage ($200), internet/phone ($200), heating oil ($100), electricity($45), cc bills ($120), gas/car ($50), R. lunch money ($25)... hmmm oh and groceries. What you dont have enough money? What? I will have this exact problem next week!

Saturday, 21 September 2013

...R: If you could change anything in the past what would it be?
Me: I would not change anything.
R: No, seriously. If you could change one thing...
Me: Nope, nothing
R: Tell me!
Me: If I changed that one thing, I would not have you. (aha moment) So no, there is nothing I would change.
R: Ok, if you could change that one thing and not lose me?
Me: Hmmm...I wish my mom had noticed I was suffering from depression and anxiety when the signs presented themselves (as early as 5!). Everything would have been different.
R: Wow..
Me: But I dont regret it anymore. I would not have had you, so it was all worth it.

Friday, 20 September 2013

One of the best ideas I ever had was to start a blog and try to write in it every day. It lets me think, document my feelings, and document my weight loss journey. I am not changing the world, but I am changing me.

Every now and then I read some of my old post to see how far I have come, or to see if there is something that I need to work on.

I got up this morning and decided to look at what I was doing at this time last year. It was not pretty! I was at the end of my rope emotionally and I was seriously depressed about where my life was going and how bad I felt physically.

Fast forward to today...Life is good! It is not perfect, I still struggle with depression, money issues, teenage boy, over sized dog...but I can see my way. I am ok with where my life is leading me. I am learning to forgive myself for all my bad choices/decisions I have made and move on.

I have lost close to 85 lbs, and I have at least 25 to 50 lbs left to go before I reach the end of my weight loss journey. I know the losing will be the easy part. I know the hard part is coming...maintaining.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

My money crunch is started to wear at me. I dont mind not having any money, or being poor as a church mouse. But even I can feel the pinch of it.

I take pills for my depression and social anxiety and I started to take half my dose every night. Now I take half a dose every second day. I can feel the difference. I am coasting, hanging on the edge...

Happy Pills

My doctor is aware of what I am doing, unfortunately there is not much she can do. I indirectly told my mom the other day, and she offered to buy me a couple months supply for my birthday. I am not going to take her up on it, because she already does so much for me.

On the other hand, I am starting to see that my anxiety was/is strongly tied to my weight. As I lose more weight, I am leaving the house more and more. I say that, but yesterday I could not make myself go for a walk during the daylight hours. Sometimes I feel like such a crazy person.

Milo from a couple of months ago

I got all dressed, sneakers, coat and I was on my front porch and saw all the people walking their dogs. It was a huge crowd....at least 2 people! Milo and I usually walk at night for a couple of reasons. One...He is hard to handle if he decides he wants to see another dog (200 lbs). Hardly anyone walks at night in my neighborhood. Two... I dont want people to see me. So when I saw those dogs, I knew there was no way I was going to take Milo, and with out Milo there was no way I was going for a walk.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

I turned 4? yesterday! My mom wanted to buy me some clothes, but I want to wait til Christmas. So she bought me a Peace Lily plant instead. It is huge! I absolutely adore it!

I ended up spending nearly the whole day with her. Shopping for my plant, and visiting memere (my grandmother), then hanging at her house. It was while we were there she wanted me to try on some old clothes that I had left there when I was younger. I didnt want to, because I was sure everything would be too small. UGH! Anyhoo...I tried them on...and they fit, or were too BIG!

R. and I went over for super and it was nice and relaxing evening. My mom is so proud of what I have done so far that she supports my diet in any and every way that she can. She got me a veggie pizza (2 small slices) and a chocolate cupcake for my birthday cake. She also bought no sugar ice cream. How awesome is she! I ended up being sick as a dog later though. My body is so not used to any fatty food that it did not react well. I figure that is a good thing. Its like a built in seat belt or something. It not half as fun to eat something fattily delish if you are going to be sick after!

So I weighed myself this morning, and I came in at 172. Yippee! I should be able to make my goal of 170 before the end of the month. Not sure though since I should be having a period soon. That always makes things a little interesting.

Oh! Nearly forgot...R. bought me a pair of Chuck Taylors for my birthday. I think my son having a job ROCKS!

Monday, 16 September 2013

I have steadily throwing all my old clothes away as I grow out of them. This morning I had nothing to wear...like seriously! A friend had giving me a pair of jean her daughter didnt want anymore and I pulled them out. You guessed it. They fit! They have been hiding in my closet for a bit because they were too damn small.

I am going to take a picture later so I can fawn over myself all day. I may even post it.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

At the beginning of the week I weighed in at 172. Now I weigh 174. I know I did not gain it back, because I have been following my diet. I figure it is water weight that I originally lost, or water weight that I gained back. Oh and lets not forget that I have not gone to the 'bathroom' in a bit.

Before I started my diet my IBS leaned towards diarrhea. Now I dont go. Never a happy medium.

I bought some new underwear. I got some boy shorts...uh...I am not too happy with the fit. I also bought some of the same kind that I already had. I bought them in large, and they are still too big! Hehehehe! I dont have enough money to get more this week, but next week...MEDIUM!

P.s. Just to keep things in perspective...I looked where I was last month at this date and I weighed 179 and the next day I gained 3 lbs! I still weigh 5 lbs less than last month!

Friday, 13 September 2013

A few days ago I was sent a friend request from my Aunt S. I have been searching for my Dad and his side of the family for a good many years.

I don't have a common last name (or so I thought). There were a huge amount of people with my last name on fb. Every now and then I would search through the names and friends list to see if I could find anyone.

Then it happened. A friend request. I searched through her friends list, and there was Dad, my younger brother and Aunt M!

I accepted immediately, and sent a message thanking her.

My mom and dad split when I was a baby, and from what I understand he was not the greatest dad. We kept in touch, but when I was 16 I wrote a letter that really let loose some anger. I don't regret it, but it was meant to start a conversation. I wanted a give and take I guess. I got nothing. He never wrote back, and no one from that side made any effort to contact me.

That is until a few years later when the same Aunt S. contacted me to say my Aunt M (another Aunt M), had died and I was to blame. Holy crap! I wont go into all of that. Needless to say I cut my ties to them.

Fast forward to now. I have grown up, I am no longer the sad and scared lonely 10 year old, the angry 16 year old, the depressed 18 year old. I have a son. I am a great mom. I believe in God and the grace of forgiveness.

I don't care if they have forgiven me, or are still angry about something that happened so long ago. I want my son to see my other side. The side that has a dad. Yes he will never be the dad I should have had, but I want dad to see me. The real me.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

I weighed in at 173.6 today. Yippee! I am chugging along nicely. I know I will probably hit a snag/plateau soon. I am not one to lose weight easy. I hit plateaus often. But like Diane from Fit to the Finish wrote me once... "plateaus are like practicing maintenance." I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I have made it this far.

Any other time I have hit a plateau, I have lost my courage to continue. Now I look at it like a chance to maintain. I am not going to gain my weight back. I think that maintaining is going to be harder than losing.

When you are dieting you are on a time frame. There is an end goal. You wont be on a diet forever. You stay motivated to continue when you get to fit into smaller clothes. When you reach your goal, the other half of your journey continues and this is where I have always failed.

Monday, 9 September 2013

I weighed in at 174.0 today. At this rate I should be able to make my goal of 170 by the end of the month. I have been super strict on my diet plan, and it is paying off! The only problem is was how starved I was yesterday. I eat anywhere between 1200 to 1500 cals a day. Well within my dietary needs. I eat more when I work really hard at work, and less when I am lazy.

I ended up being pretty proud of myself yesterday too. I was starved, but I still made good food choices and did not cave into my food urges.

My mom invited us over for supper and she made roast beef (unbelievably delish) and corn on the cob. I did a quick cal count, and realized there was no way I could fit in her roast beef and corn. So I made up a tuna fish salad with lots of veggies and brought that over. I ate that instead of her meat and had some corn.

I bet you wonder why I didnt just eat her roast beef? Well I cant stop at 3 oz. Nope nope nope. Especially when I had been starving all day, and I did not want to test my willpower. Good Madijo!

I always associate my mom's house with food. I always, always eat there. I mean I Usually over eat! I stopped going for awhile because I could not stop myself from snacking. Now I go, but I raid her fruit instead of all her junk food.

Yes yes, I should stop associating her with food, but I decided to compromise. Slowly but surely, I eat less and less there. I no longer have this overwhelming urge to over eat or stab myself in the eye and leave.

My mom and I have a love/uncomfortable/hate/stressful/love relationship. As we both get older, the love is coming out more. The way I dealt with all those negative emotions was to eat. Which I did, as often as I could.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

I am soo hungry my stomach is growling. I calculate all my food in MyfitnessPal religiously. I often do not calculate small things like the milk in my tea, or a bite of fruit. I eat about 1200 cals a day, and usually more. But lately I am hungry! I have a headache and my insides feel empty.

I should add, I have been a lazy slug all day. Reading/napping/surfing.

I reviewed my meals to see if I am too low on carbs/protein/veggies/fruit and everything is perfect.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Its true. I am losing my underwear. They have a lacy top, made out of micro fiber than can stretch to fit almost anything! Well...they are too big now. Hehehehe!

During this whole time I have not moved in underwear size. They did not come in bigger than xl, which was fine, since they stretched to fit. Hehehehe! Xl was still ok as I got smaller, because I bought new ones that were not stretched out. Now even the new ones are not fitting. Hehehehe!

I am more excited about my underwear size change then nearly anything else.

Pretty underwear here I come. Ok maybe not yet, but its coming! Hehehehe!

Friday, 6 September 2013

Wow do I feel different! I went for a walk last night, for the first time in way too long. I walked pretty fast and I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel like a was dragging myself up the hills. What a shock. Not carrying around all that extra weight makes such a huge difference.

At work, I try to walk with my chest out, stomach in (pretty hard to do) and with a more confident attitude. Fake it til you believe it.

I look at my naked body and I see two things (not what you think!) I see how much more I have to lose and I feel hope. I can see and feel how far I have gone, and that I can do the same for the rest of my weight.

Now, I totally realize that life happens and my body probably will not cooperate and stick to my math genius! If I dont fall off the wagon and wonder aimlessly, and my body does not hit any plateaus, and I stay super strict and maintain total dedication for over 115 days...

Ya, not going to happen. So how about I continue doing the best that I can! Stay strong and motivated and be at peace with myself. Celebrate all the good things and live through the bad.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Well I flirt texted with a guy yesterday. Nearly all day, off and on. Unfortunately it became clearer as the day went on, that well he is not that into me. Yes he wants to flirt and all. But sometimes he would answer right away, sometimes an hour.

He was off, and just lazing the day away just like me. Oh well. He is a good first step out into the dating world. He talks alot about sex and I dont know much (real life stuff). I am too young to not have had more fun.

Its time I stepped out of the house. My body is not all that anymore, but its getting there.