Watching "Alexander" is like going on a first date, noticing in the first five minutes that your date hums to herself and suffers from bouts of involuntary drooling, then realizing that perhaps those tickets to the unabridged reading of War and Peace weren't such a hot idea.

One would guess that evildoers everywhere would grow suspicious as report after report came in to Evil Headquarters about the drunk guy who suddenly started doing back flips, karate chops, and kicking everyone's rear end all over the place.

I'm considering making it my life's goal to get Sally Field to shit on my face, because it's pretty damn obvious from "Beautiful" that it will feel like warm sunlight shining down upon me and smell like a bouquet of roses.