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Ken Ham, visibly red; sweat pouring down from his face and his shirt collar loose and partially undone, raised his fist defiantly to the air and screamed to the very heavens: “Damn you, you ungodly atheists!! Damn you all to Hell!!!”

Some people who witnessed the event swore that there was an ear-splitting crack of thunder as Ham shouted those words, and that lightning played across the well-known creationist’s fist, but most observers admitted that it was a sunny day with birds singing and a slight breeze lightly blowing across the lands that make up the Ark Encounters theme park, where Ham made his statements to the press.

Vowing revenge of Biblical proportions, Ham has stated that he intends to sue the State of Kentucky over his right to receive $81 Million dollars in order to build a giant toy boat with, while discriminating against workers. “I wasn’t going to do that, I WASN’T!!! I WASN’T!!!” Ham exclaimed, jumping up and down while pumping his fists, with busts of steam coming out of his ears and great clouds of earth rising up around him. “I was only going to discriminate against people over at the secular bits of my museum!”

So now Ham is claiming that the Commonwealth of Kentucky is violating Ham’s god-given–I mean, constitutional right to deny employment to anyone that isn’t Ham’s kind of Christian…the stupid kind. Ham’s lawyers, not familiar with the difference between a church and a for-profit business, insist that Ark Encounters should be able to discriminate, like ‘all other religious organizations do’ and to do otherwise would “change their identity,” not only making the state’s case for them, but also accidentally implying that religions are inherently discriminatory. It’s like God created a stupid-bomb and set if off around everyone involved with the Creation Museum and Ark Encounters.

Seeking the opinion of some of Ham’s competition, I spoke to Pope Methuselah Leroy about Ham’s attitude. Pope Leroy is the old fella up the way who awoke one day to a vision that told him he was Christ’s real, bad-ass vicar on Earth and then commanded him to make a giant five story tree-house church out of nothing but old tires. He said that Ham should just “Quit his hollarin’. I didn’t get no million-dollar grant and I did just fine. Jesus provides, remember? There’s plenty of free timber at the town junk yard, and nails are all over the place. Watch out for the dogs though.”

But Ham would hear nothing of good old Christian self-reliance. Instead he erected a cruel and terrible revenge upon the atheists…a billboard that made them all laugh out loud. One atheist was reduced to tears. Once he had recovered he was finally able to gasp feebly, “Sink this ship…”, before collapsing to the ground again. “Ken Ham couldn’t do better if he had channeled the spirit of Robin Williams!”

Credit: Ark Encounters

Nationwide, those atheists were up to even more shenanigans. It wasn’t enough to put up those mocking Satanic displays in Florida (praise be to the brave ‘Christian Warrior’ who saved us all from that threat), or to help some evil Muslim woman in Ohio sue the Cuyahoga County Jail for forcing her to attend Christian services. This is just a small sample of the evils that atheists have allowed to propagate across the land over the last few months.

Yes, Ham has taken to the internet with a withering expose on how those atheists are trying to get rid of part of a Kentucky state anti-terrorism law that comes dangerously close to providing a legal framework for a state religion (although it makes no mention of any particular specific religion, thankfully). Both the law and the plaque in question, (which partially reads that national security, “…cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God.”), “…is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I’ve ever seen,” according to Edwin F. Kagin, the national legal director of American Atheists Inc (based out of Parsippany, N.J.). In his brilliant condemnation of the atheists, Ken Ham notes that Ed Kagin lives in the same region as himself and the Creation Museum, has been persecuting poor Ham and his loony bin–ah, museum, for years, and that–oops! His address is 2800 Evilton Ave, Petersburg, KY 41080 and his private number is (588) 582-4253 and it sure would be a shame if that infidel unbelieving heathen were to be harassed or something….

On the other side of the issue, Dem. Rep. Tom Riner said, “No government by itself can guarantee perfect security. There will always be this opposition to the acknowledgment of divine providence, but this is a foundational understanding of what America is.” Apparently, Riner failed to understand that 9/11 was a far cry from “perfect Safety”. Where was divine providence then? Where was God’s protection then? Did he only begin his job as protector after Kentucky passed a law and made a shiny plaque? What about the wounded veterans? Didn’t they deserve ‘perfect safety’? And since we are talking about ‘perfect’ safety and protection, as in God-like levels of perfection, shouldn’t our reputation and standing as a nation have been completely untarnished after events in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc? After all, a shining reputation makes a nation safer than a tarnished one does.

On the other hand, maybe God let 9/11 happen on purpose, just so Kentucky could pass this law and God could get his official ‘in’ as the Grand Poo-bah of the military. A spiritual ‘coup’ or false flag operation, if you will. After all, he works in mysterious ways and all that, at least he does whenever Christians can’t think of an easy justification.

Anyways, the forces of Satan and the children of iniquity have been busy in Kentucky. The atheists may mean well, based on their twisted, immoral little ideologies, but for each legal success they obtain that doesn’t replace religion with something at least as absolutist in its place, the rotten fruit of agnosticism creeps closer and closer. Without God’s protection in our military, we might have to actually think about our motivations and goals. Where’s the percentage in that? Then there’s $81 Million bucks for an oversize wooden boat that will without a single doubt be causing accidents and injuries as it falls apart around the customers due to shoddy workmanship, construction shortcuts and funds diverted to offshore accounts and religious coffers. Without that noble monument…ummm…ah…uhh, well….damn.

I can’t think of a single thing that anyone would lose if that eyesore never gets made.

Rev. Lance Luther

Lance Luther was born to a father who was a snake-handling Baptist from Warren, MI and a Louisiana Puritan mother who practiced Macumba on the side that made him do chores all day until Luther realized he could get his 13 brothers and sisters to do them for him if he collapsed to the ground, drooled, and made random noises while inserting ‘instructions’ to his siblings. He never looked back and embarked upon his career as the Reverend of the ‘First Reformed Protestant of the Lost Lamb With the Swinging Sword and the Holy Spook with (Redacted)’, or the ‘Holy Swingers’ or ‘Swingers for the Lamb’ for short.

Noting the need for religious reform in America (too many laws that restricted the flow of money into Luther’s wallet), Luther penned his massive, monumental, brilliant, opus, ‘Manifesto Against the Protestant Work Ethic and a Call for a New ‘Murican Reformation’. On a day that came to called ‘The Great Day of Reform’ among Luther’s followers, and ‘Sunday morning’ among everyone else, Luther had a copy of his manuscript nailed to every church door in the U.S. where they promptly blew away.

Luther is currently involved in re-writing his greatest work (he forgot to keep a copy–forethought isn’t a prophet’s greatest strength) and calling for legislation to drug test babies before their mothers can be eligible for food stamps. He also heads C.R.A.S.S.S. the Christians Response Alert for Silly Stories in School which advocates the teaching of alternative theories to evolution–but only if those theories are absolutist.

He formed C.A.A.C.A. with Professor Richard Sqauwkins after a two week-long flame war that left both sides convinced that the real enemy of mankind is uncertainty.

Just before the holidays, I received a delightful letter from one of our younger followers that reads, in part:

Dear Professor,

My name is Virginia, and I am 12 years old. My friends tell me that there is no such thing as Santa Clause. I just know it isn’t true! There has to be a Santa Claus, there just has to be! Who brings the toys? Who eats the cookies? Who smells the living room up like eggnog and rum the night before Christmas? One year, I even saw him putting the presents under the tree!

Professor Sqauwkins, I know you are a very smart man. Could you tell me the truth, please?

Yours truly, Virginia

Well, this letter just tugged at my heart and I had to answer it, for Virginia and all the other children like her, who yearn for magic and are getting primed for religion, so I decided to answer her here:

You gullible little twit, there is almost certainly no such thing as Santa Claus. People might tell you that there is no way to disprove Santa Claus, but once you look at the evidence that something else is the cause of Santa-related phenomena, the likelihood that the fat man really exists becomes vanishingly small.

Haven’t you ever noticed the price tags, clearance aisle stickers and bar codes plastered all over the boxes of the toys you receive, or are you friggin blind? Do you think that a North Pole workshop would bother putting those things on free toys? Ever notice how broke your parents are right after Christmas–and how much more they drink? Put two and two together, you stupid cow. You look at these toys and say that “well, the toys are there, and something caused those toys to be there and we call that cause Santa Claus, but evidence and Occam’s Razor dictate that the simplest answer is probably the correct one; your drunken parents, you git. Haven’t you ever peeked into your parent’s closet just before Christmas?

Look, you can compare the likelihood that a flying sleigh pulled by magic reindeer actually exists to the likelihood that a million slivers of wood and cheap brass thrown into the air would randomly self-assemble into a sleigh. It could happen, but in practice it doesn’t. Any idiot can see that. And while it could be that there is an invisible, magical fat man that can somehow be everywhere at once (or as close to it that it hardly matters), it’s more probable that your dad rented a smelly old costume and ate a few cookies while allowing you to catch a peek, before killing a bottle and high-tailing it back to bed.

What about the man himself? Santa Claus is just a cobbled-together collection of old Pagan fables and mythology ranging from the ancient Roman festivals that gave us gift giving and cookies to the Norse tales of Odin as a gift-giver who traveled around once a year on his many-legged horses, to the English tales of Father Christmas that grew out of the anonymous gift-giving of country Pastors, to similar tales from Scandinavia and nearby regions–all wrapped around the skeleton of Saint Nicholas…the original Santa Clause. Their are so many fables propped up onto that flimsy frame, it’s no wonder Santa Claus is portrayed as fat. When something that is supposed to be true has so many elements stolen from so many places and time periods, the only conclusion to reach is that the whole story is hogwash.

I mean, we would at the very least, be hearing sonic booms all morning long on Christmas as Santa Claus keeps breaking the sound barrier with his sleigh. The absence of sonic booms is positive evidence for the non-existence of Santa Claus because they would have to be present if he existed. Did you get that, or is it too complicated for your ass?

Then we have the testimony of millions of parents who have all come forward to tell us that they made the whole thing up and that they just pretended to be Santa Claus so they could make you happy once a year. They say that it was just a harmless story and that if it gave a few kids some comfort, well, that’s a positive thing isn’t it? If kids want to believe in Santa Claus, what’s wrong with that?

These parents exploit the trust and gullibility of their own children, just to have a force that enables them to have control over them and keep them in line. “Do this or you won’t get any presents this year.” “Don’t be ‘naughty’ (where naughty is anything a parent decides it to be and can change at any time).’ Parents take cruel advantage of a child’s trust and they pay no mind to the fear and psychological damage it causes, and the sense of deep betrayal should a child use his or her reason to come upon the truth. They punish and persecute your older brother if he tries to tell you there is no Santa Claus and the parents of other children will punish and persecute them if they try to speak out. Parents will call them ‘party-poopers’ or just plain mean, but don’t believe them! Parental Santa apologists have had a long time to hone their words well, and use them as weapons against those who would use reason and demand evidence before they will accept something as true.

So no Virginia, you feeble fool. Just because you cannot disprove the existence of Santa Claus, that doesn’t make him real, any more than the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, your favorite cartoon characters or cartoon cereal mascots, magic princesses, or any of the other silly things you believe in. Magic sucks–reality is the only thing that is real, and obviously, putting my boot down on all your pet superstitions is the only thing I live for.

Professor Richard Sqauwkins

Professor Richard Sqauwkins, President of M.O.B. (Atheists for More Obnoxious Blogs), is the mean-spirited, black-hearted absolute ruler of all Atheists. His heart was forged in the blackest pits of Hell and he clawed his way to the top of academia to become the Professor of Evolution on the backs of babies, women, puppy-dogs and fluffy bunny-rabbits. His blood runs colder than Dante’s ninth circle, and he murdered the better angel of his nature. There is nothing sacred that he wouldn’t spill his bile all over. He’s an ‘intellectual.’ You have been warned…

Ken Ham’s Pet Ark project (known as the Ark Encounter; his proposed Noah’s Ark-based theme park under pseudo-construction in Kentucky, of all places) has hit a snag–the ‘museum’s’ hiring practices are clearly discriminatory and a violation of Federal Law because Ham insists on running it as a for-profit business (How some churchey-types just LOVE taking from Caesar).

Pictured: Reality Credit: Ark Encounters

This minor detail has brought down the ire of both atheists, such as Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, and secular/religious Church/State separation supporters, such as Americans United. You see, Ham recently applied for a 18 million dollar tourism tax incentive, which was granted preliminary acceptance (how it got that far is scandalous enough, but Rev. Luther is drooling all over the keyboard at the possibilities). Now, the Project’s proposal has been turned down.

The proposal went adrift because Ham and his fellow creationists forced potential new hires to sign a declaration of faith before they can climb aboard and set sail. When the storm moved in, secular groups were forced to drop the anchor and try to make Ham walk the plank.

Ham, of course denies everything and insists that the religious oath was only meant for the non-profit part of the project–like designing the Ark, the religious object everyone is going to be looking at if this Turkey flies (boat ever gets christened?). You can see some of the actual job postings over at Dan Arel’s Patheos blog, Danthropology.

In related news, the Ark Encounters website just ran a feature on a crocaduck.

There was distress in parts of the Eastern World and an outpouring of sympathy from Western neighbors on December 14th when it was announced that Angalifu’s horn, a male Northern White Rhinocero-horn, had died at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. Angalifu was the second-to-last male rhino-horn of it’s species. Northern White Rhino-horns are universally considered to be the very best horns to be used as powerful aphrodisiacs and catch-all fetishes for thousands of ridiculous superstiti….we mean, Eastern medicinal purposes.

Ken Bohn/Reuters

The loss of the keratin (keratin is the same material in human fingernails) estimated from only having one male member of this once-proud species is going to doom millions of Eastern old-men to a life without the simple joy of fooling themselves into believing that chewing on fingernails will give them ‘increased vigor’ or help their flaccid members to attain former heights of glory once known by their once-virile manhood.
Cards of condolences have been arriving from people in the U.S. and Central America, the United Kingdom, Australia, and Africa, who added that they too were “sorry” for the loss of Angalifu’s meat and horn.
A spokesman for Africa said that, “They see now that their dire need for bushmeat and the black-market saleries they enjoyed from selling horns was nowhere near as urgent as the Eastern need for Magic Rhino-Dust. We were selfish and short-sighted. If we had only looked past our own pressing problems, we could have started a breeding program back when we had a larger population of horns and meat.”

Hope remains however. The Society of Homeopaths has already rushed to visit several key regions in the East in order to offer an emergency program designed to counter the loss of the prized horns.
Dr. Starbird Windwillow, the Director of SOH New Eastern Market Division, says that, “If we can obtain the remaining stores of keratin-derived Medicines, we should be able to create an indefinite supply. Nobody would have to suffer. Nobody at all.” He added that it would be, “Strong boners for all.”

The latest Listverse article by this Blog’s lord and creator, on a subject not wholly unrelated to religion.

Is torture justified if a nation is threatened? Meh. What about if a town is threatened? Do you mean Mayberry? A neighborhood? Hell, take my neighborhood-please.

What about sweet little 13 year old white, Christian Becky Appleton of 455 West Avenue, Rhode Island who loves playing with dolls, worshiping Jesus and longing for world peace?

Quick! A nasty ole terrorist group has TWO HUNDRED nuclear bombs, biological weapons, an army of pedophiles, fifteen bad boys with frogs and snakes in their hands, and twenty trained attack dogs aimed straight at the poor dear (who is cruelly tied to a chair under harsh spotlights and not even allowed a dolly or a crucifix to hold! She has to stare straight at the tips of all those missiles. The boys keep dangling snakes in front of her and putting frogs in her pocket. The pedophiles are straining against their straitjackets. She can see the vile slather drip from the vicious fangs of the dogs!) We just brought in a suspect who may know where the precious little angel is, but he’s not talking. The timer is ticking! OMG, there’s only FIFTEEN seconds to go!!! Oh! The humanity!!!

Will you use “enhanced methods” against the barbaric, terrorist, ungodly, brown-skinned bastard of a suspect that was brought in THEN!!? Would you leave poor Becky to her fate, alone in that dank, smoldering room full of mildew, pornography and anti-American posters with the tears rolling slowly down her eyes, leaving tracks in the dirt that the evil men have allowed to accumulate on her face!!? Could you possibly be more callous!!?

What do you think about the Torturer’s Dilemma NOW!!? Here’s a free book-length dissertation on the subject for you.