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Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now $150."

Male Date-Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

While deer hunting, two strangers take shots at the same deer at the same time and the deer goes down. They get to the deer at the same time surprised to see the other. There is only on bullet wound in the deer so clearly only one of them could claim the kill. Well Joe was certain he hit it and John seemed a little less certain, but neither would conceded.

Joe - "Well were both real men here, right?"

John - "You Betcha, for sure.."

Joe - "So here is what we can do. We'll take turns kicking each other in the groin.... Last man standing gets the deer. What do you say?"

John - "No problem, I am a real man for sure..."
Joe - "OK - I'll go first..." - and with that he drills John with a right foot that would have launched a missle, and John drops to the ground in dire pain.

After a couple of minutes John struggles to his feet and slowly smiles,
John - "OK, now it's my turn sucker.."

Joe - "No that's OK - you can have the deer." - and turns and walks away....

Happy St. Patrick's Day to All-- Here's One To Celebrate My Favorite Day

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.! We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.

You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment! , then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well...

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying Screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Get this thread revived a tad

Cowboy Chili

> A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .
>
> He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
> starring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
> sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
> 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
>
> The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and, in his
> best cowboy manner, says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
>
>
>
> Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over, slides the bowl over to his place,
> and starts spooning it in with delight.
>
> He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
> The sight was shocking, and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the
> bowl.
>
> The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

ole and Lena are camping, Ole heads to the crapper, a few minutes go by and Lena hears Ole.."OH CRAP" Lena reluctantly goes to see what is going on, when she opens the door she sees Ole throwing his wallet and keys into the bottom of the toilet..
Lena..shocked: "what are you doing?"
Ole turns to Lena and states..."my change fell in there when I stood up"
Lena: "why the keys and wallet?"
Ole: "I'm not going in there for only $.67"