Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Me: It’s very
pretty.It has a pink cover.And it makes a great paperweight.

Kath:But do you
actually use it?

Me:I used it once as
a flashlight during a power outage.Everyone should have one.

Kath:Why not get a
flashlight for that?

Me:Flashlights make
lousy paperweights.They roll off the
table.

I am a Dinosaurette.In
spite of that, I have a Kindle.It
wasn’t my idea.People keep foisting
them on me at Christmas.It’s the 21st
century version of fruitcake.

Not only that, they multiply.The first died within months, probably from
neglect (I didn’t kill it – honest.)The
second was a prize from my publisher for top sales.I also have a Kobo.It was a Christmas present.It’s around here somewhere.

As you can see, I am not addicted to my Kindle.In fact, it is my opinion you have to be
barking to be emotionally attached to a slab of machinery that displays
words.That would be like being addicted
to a printing press.

But Lord Thunderin’ Jesus, how I am addicted to books! Real
books, that is. I see a pile of books on my bedside table, and I get
excited.(Men, take note.)

Oh, the delight of holding a real book in your hand.The tactile feel of the paper, the visual
lure of the cover… And the smell of the glue that binds each little paper
together…(minty is best)

Bliss.

The trouble with an ereader is that every story you are reading
on it looks and feels exactly the same.And that changes the experience for me.

I realize that a lot of people love to read on Kindles.I might even like some of them (people. Not
Kindles.)But I highly suspect they are
the same sort of people who actually like salad.

Thankfully, there are alternate uses for ereaders. (If you
like salad, stop reading NOW.)

BAD GIRL'S USES FOR A KINDLE:

1. Kindling. (Okay, not really, despite the similar sounding name. Probably not the best way to start a fire. A Samsung phone is better.

2. Murder weapon. (Whack the cheating bastard over the head with it. Continue whacking and alternately reading from 50 Shades. That should kill him.

Saturday, 26 November 2016

by Melodie CampbellMany readers here know I teach
Crafting a Novel at Sheridan College in Suburban Toronto. (I started
teaching fiction writing there before the wheel was invented. We had to
push cars uphill both ways to get them to campus...okay, I'll stop
now.)

Students
often ask me how to get a novel published. I say: "Walk out of this
classroom right now and become a media personality."Everyone
in the class laughs. But it's no laughing matter, really. Most of the
bestselling crime authors in Canada were media personalities first.
It's no coincidence. Being a newspaper or television 'name' gives one a
huge visibility advantage. You leap the slush pile. And chances are,
you know someone who knows someone in publishing.But
launching a new career doesn't work for all of us, particularly if we
are mid-career or soon to qualify for senior's discounts. (Of course,
you could still murder someone and become a celebrity. I have a few
names handy, if you are looking for a media-worthy victim...)In
order for a publisher to buy your book, they have to read it first. I
know at least one publishing house that receives 10,000 manuscripts a
month. How in Hellsville can you possibly get noticed in that slush
pile?Here's how: Develop street cred by publishing with magazines!How I got my start:In
1989, at the tender age of twenty plus n, I won a Canadian Living
Magazine fiction contest. (Canadian Living is one of the two notable
women's magazines in Canada. Big circulation.) After that, I pitched to
Star Magazine (yup, the tabloid) listing the Canadian Living credit in
my cover letter. They said, "Oh look. A Canadian. How quaint. See
how she spells humour." (I'm paraphrasing.) Anyways, Star published
several of my short shorts in the 90s. The Canadian Living credit got
me in the door.With several Star Mag credits under my
belt (weird term, that - I mean, think of what is under your belt) I
went to Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine. They liked the Star
credits and published some of my stories. Then I got a several-story
contract with ComputorEdge.So ten years ago, when I
had a novel to flog, I already had 24 short story publications in
commercial magazines. That set me apart from everyone else clawing to
get in the door.Writing for magazines worked to launch my author career. I'm now with two traditional publishers and my 11th book (The Bootlegger's Goddaughter - phew! Got that in) comes out in February.Writing for magazines tells a publisher several things:1. You write commercially salable stories.
This is important for book publishers. If you have published in
commercial magazines, it tells a publisher that someone else has already
paid you for your fiction. They deemed your obviously brilliant stores
worthy of a wide enough audience to justify putting their money into
publishing them. It's much like the concept of 'peer review' in the
academic world.2. You accept editing. A
magazine writer (fiction or nonfiction) is used to an editor making
changes to their work. It's part of the game. If you have been
published many times in magazines, then a novel publisher knows you are
probably going to be cool with editing. (Okay, maybe not cool, but
you've learned how to hold back rage-fueled comments such as
"Gob-sucking fecking idiot! It was perfect before you mucked with it."3. You work to deadline.
Magazines and newspapers have tight deadlines. Miss your deadline, and
you're toast. Novel publishers are similarly addicted to deadlines.
Something to do with having booked a print run long in advance, for one
thing. So they want authors who will get their damned manuscripts in on
time.Here's something to watch out for if you are going to write for magazines:Kill Fee If
you are publishing with a major magazine, negotiate a 'kill fee.'
(This doesn't mean you get to kill the publisher if they don't print
your story.) A kill fee is something you get if the mag sends you a
contract to publish your story or article, and then doesn't publish it.
Usually a kill fee is about half the amount you would be paid if they
had printed it.Why wouldn't they print your story
after they agree to buy it? Sometimes a publisher or editorial big wig
leaves and the new big wig taking over will have a different vision for
the mag. Sometimes a mag will go under before they actually print the
issue with your story. That happened to me with a fairly well-known
women's mag. I got the kill fee, and the rights back. I was able to
sell the story to another magazine.Which brings me to a
final point: Note the rights you are selling. Many mags here want
"First North American Serial Rights." This means they have the right to
publish the story for the first time in North America, in all versions
of their magazine. (For instance, some magazines in Canada publish both
English and French versions.) But what happens after that? When do
rights return to you? Two years after publication? (Very common.) Or
never? Are they buying 'All Rights?" It's good to get rights back,
because then you can have the story reprinted in an anthology someday.
Make sure your contract stipulates which rights they are buying.Of
course, I always say, if they pay me enough, they can keep all rights,
dress them in furs and jewelry, and walk them down Main Street. I have
the same attitude re film companies that might want to swoop up my
novels for movies.Melodie Campbell writes the multi-award-winning Goddaughter series of mob comedies, starting with The Goddaughter. It features a different kind of 'kill fee.'

Thursday, 24 November 2016

Recently, a chronically mopey person asked me “Why are you
so cheerful all the time?”It was stated
like a criticism.And it got me
thinking.

Several years ago, I was in a serious car accident.I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong
time.A young girl with a two-week old
driver’s license lost control of her car and hit me head on.

I didn’t walk away from it; it took me two years to walk
without canes. Even with extensive
rehab, that collision changed my life.I
could no longer go hiking.I could no
longer dance Flamenco.I have arthritis in
every bone that was broken.

Around that time, my best friend Ruth died of MS.She had been battling the illness since she
was 14.

This was a devastating, life-altering time in my life.I mourned my friend deeply.I lost a lot of the physical agility that
defined me.It was tempting to wallow in
self-pity.

I had a choice. I could succumb to the darkness.And sometimes I did.But then a voice started in my head.

Be grateful that you lived through the accident.Be grateful that it didn’t disfigure your
face.A young man in the other car went
through the windshield.You didn’t.

Be grateful that you can walk without a cane now.It
could have been so much worse.

As I grow older, I have joined the club that enthusiastically
bitches about “yet another damned thing” that happens to you as you age.

But it is good-natured bitching.Because we in that club are grateful to be
growing older.We are here to bitch
about it.So many of our generation aren’t.

I’m cheerful because I’m here to live another day.It’s as simple as that.And if my being cheerful, and funny, and
maybe even a bit silly can make another person smile, then we’re all better
off.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American Friends! I'm grateful you read this blog.

Postscript:Another
version of “Why are you so cheerful” that I receive occasionally is “Why don’t
you write something serious instead of all those humorous books.”Again, this is stated like a criticism.

My answer is simple.Of
course I could write more serious fare (and in fact, I have.See my award-winning short stories, such as Hook, Line and Sinker.)But truly, there are sufficient sources of
dismal fiction and alarming news in the world. I would prefer to bring smiles
to readers’ faces.

Friday, 18 November 2016

You asked for it - now live with
it! More from Morticia (reprinted with permission)

Get in shape with BODIES BY MORTICIA...Select yours today!

Dear Morticia;
My wife can't go a day without playing bingo. What's your impression of a
woman like that?
Signed Fed Up

Dear Fed;
Sorry, I don't do impressions. This is an advice column.

Dear Morticia;
My husband works shifts and comes home so tired he can barely carry on a
conversation. How can I keep him from falling asleep on me?
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frust;
Push him off. Next...

Dear Morticia;
Are you busy this weekend? Party at my house - I finally got rid of my
parents!
Signed, Home Alone

Dear Home;
That's nice. Did you manage to make it look like an accident?

Dear Morticia;
My mother and I read your advice column every month and we are appalled by the
ridiculous advice you give. In fact, we can't believe you actually get
paid to produce this kind of trashy garbage on a regular basis.
Signed Disgusted in Durham

Dear Gus;
Wait a sec...you mean they're supposed to pay ME?

Morticia will return to these pages if somebody doesn't kill her off first.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. Please buy them, so she can spend her time writing more silly comedy.

Monday, 14 November 2016

A PURSE TO DIE FOR is featured on Vicki Batman's fun blogsite today! Check out my post there, and also get yourself introduced to another author of funny romantic mysteries....Here's the link: http://vickibatman.blogspot.ca/And here's a snip from the post: