Niagara Falls Induces Stupid-tourist Syndrome

HUMOR

August 31, 1993|By Dave Barry

If you're looking for a family vacation that involves watching enormous quantities of water go off a cliff, you can't beat Niagara Falls. We went there recently with several other families, and our feeling of awe and wonderment can best be summed up by the words of my friend Libby Burger, who, when we first beheld the heart-stopping spectacle of millions of gallons of water per second hurtling over the precipice and thundering into the mist-enshrouded gorge below, said: ''I have to tinkle.'' The falls have been casting this spell ever since they were discovered thousands of years ago by American Indians, who gave them the name ''Niagara,'' which means ''Place Where There Will Eventually Be Museums Dedicated, for No Apparent Reason, to Frankenstein, John F. Kennedy, Harry Houdini and Elvis.'' And this has proved to be true, as today the area around the falls features an dense wad of attractions. In addition to the museums (both wax and regular), there was a place where you could see tiny models of many famous buildings such as the Vatican; plus one of the world's largest floral clocks; plus, of course, miniature golf courses, houses of horror and countless stores selling souvenir plates, cups, clocks, knives, spoons, magnets, thermometers, folding combs, toothbrushes, toenail clippers, hats, T-shirts, towels, boxer shorts and random slabs of wood, all imprinted with what appears to be the same blurred, heavily colorized picture, taken in about 1948, depicting some object that could be Niagara Falls, or could also be hamsters mating.

We bought some of these items, and for a good reason: Our brains had stopped working. After a couple of hours of wandering around in an attraction-intensive area, we become Tourist Stupid. Many people do. The most advanced cases can be seen lugging video cameras, relentlessly taping everything in their path - parking lots, sidewalks, litter barrels, restrooms - so they can share these Precious Vacation Memories with their friends when they get home. (''Here's Roger eating at a McDonald's in Albany, N.Y. Or possibly Spain.'')

Also, tourists will pay money to see virtually anything. For example, we paid to go into the Houdini Museum. If I had to describe this museum in a single word, that word would be: ''dark.'' There were exhibits in there, but a lot of the light bulbs had apparently burned out, so you couldn't always read the signs explaining what the exhibits were. We'd come across a large object, looming in the gloom, and by squinting at the dark, dingy sign, we could make out that it was a trunk. ''Look, kids!'' we'd call to the children, somewhere off in the darkness, punching each other. ''It's a trunk!'' It was like wandering around in an unlit attic. I think I saw some items in there that we sold at our 1983 garage sale. But we enjoyed it anyway. That's the kind of tourists we are.

Of course the big attraction is Niagara Falls, a geological formation caused by the Great Lakes being attracted toward gravity. Also limestone is involved. We learned these facts from a movie about the falls that we paid to get into after the children became bored with looking at the actual falls, a process that took them perhaps four minutes. They are modern children. They have Nintendo. They have seen what appears to be a real dinosaur eat what appears to be a real lawyer in the movie Jurassic Park. They are not about to be impressed by mere water.

The movie featured a dramatic re-enactment of the ancient falls legend of ''The Maid of the Mist.'' This was an Indian maiden whose father wanted her to marry a fat toothless old man who, in the movie, looks a lot like U.S. House of Representatives Ways and Means Committee Chairman and noted stamp collector Dan Rostenkowski wearing a bad wig. The maiden was so upset about this that she paddled a canoe over the falls, thus becoming one with the Thunder God, the Mist God, the God of Canoe Repair, etc. At least that is the legend.

Since that time a number of people have gone over the falls in barrels, not always with positive results. What would motivate people to take such a risk? My theory is that they were tourists. They probably paid admission to get into the barrels. I bet that, even as they were going over the brink, they were videotaping the barrel interiors.

Of course now it's illegal to go over the falls, which is too bad. I think they'd get bigger crowds up there, if there was a chance that something other than water would go over the brink, such as - these are just suggestions - one of the world's largest floral clocks, or the House Ways and Means Committee, or a motor home. (''Roger, I TOLD you we shouldn't have turned left back there.'' ''Shut UP, Marge! This is a SHORTCUT!'' ''OH NOOOOOO . . . '' ''SAVE THE VIDEO CAMERA, MARGE!'')