Sunday, June 17, 2007

More Ways to Tell You Aren't Going to Get Published

Your manuscript includes footnotesa) Explaining each punctuation mark to the reader.b) Explaining how difficult each sentence was to write, and why.c) Explaining how your calculation of all the two-dollar words in the text should apply to your advance.

Your manuscript points out that it is our differences that make us unique and valuable, and underlines this point witha) Talking power tools.b) Hairless goats.c) Homeless people.

You think ‘scansion’ isa) Something that comes naturally to people.b) A type of muscle injury.c) A method of mapping terrain.

You've thoughtfully includeda) Illustration directions, down to what each character is wearing.b) Your own illustrations, executed in Photoshop.c) A dedication (because it’s never too early to be grateful).

Things you think are a good idea includea) A rhyming catalog of famous murderers.b) A cosmetics book for toddlers.c) Walter the Farting Dog Gets a Whistle. (think about it for a moment)

You've noticed a hole in the market! What kids need now isa) Another goddamned book about collective nouns.b) A rollicking adventure featuring anthropomorphized ipods.c) A nonfiction poem about the different types of sofas.

You recently visited Two-Fingers-In-The-Eyes-Nyuk-Nyuk National Historical Monument, and instead of seeing the humor,a) You thought you’d write a book for children about the historical significance of the site to early 18th-century explorers.b) You were inspired to tell children about ways to resolve conflict without violence.c) You couldn't wait to get home to write a story about Nyuk-Nyuk, your blind, two-legged, dying therapy dog.

Well done footnotes are different. I love well done footnotes. Katherines, Bartimaeus, FEG... gotta love that! But I really don't want to be told that I should read 'more excitedly' because there's an exclamation point at the end of the sentence.

Funny. Somehow it's encouraging to hear stories about really bad slush (despite my sympathies to EA for having to read it!). It counters the depression that comes from hearing about huge slush piles ready to crush small towns, when you think about what chance your latest submission has in getting noticed. :)

Once upon a time there were three mss that sat at the bottom of a rubbish heap called slush. Slush was ignorant, dumb and ugly. It was also big and could crush a small city with one simple, swift kick to the block.The three manuscripts were quiet and could barely breathe. Months of smothering left them full of faint and atrophy but after they were pulled by editors they were still breathing. Eventually, the editors could hear them whimpering, "I am here...I am here, please don't give up on me." The editors pulled those nearly comatose mss from the slush and rushed them onto editor stretchers where they resuscitated them from splintered words to rejuvenated greatness, and created new and meaningful life.The three mss grew up and left the publisher with a sense of purpose. One became a bestseller and sank into the IP cushion, one got a Caldecott and teaches his adoring students at RISD (I am so major)and the last married a fireman and continues to write for love...and has finally found fans.