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The greatest thing you could ever do for yourself is discover your truth and claim it. As I was winding down my relaxing, snow-infested, wine-infused evening on Valentine’s Day with a best friend, I decided to check Twitter. The first tweet and essentially every one thereafter rattled off congratulations among other things to talented actress and all around articulate individual Ellen Page for coming out at the HRC Time to Thrive Conference. Needless to say my little lesbian heart stopped and began to fill with love and happiness for her. I don’t think I could have asked for a more appropriate and warm ending to Valentine’s Day (unless maybe… if I had like an actual girlfriend).

Standing tall and proud at 5′ 1″ with a fiery passion in her voice, Ellen Page’s presence engulfed the room and touched my soul through my laptop. While she was visibly nervous (appropriately so), the mission and purpose of her speech rose above it. She so eloquently narrated the struggle that countless people are experiencing day in and day out. She took a community of people and hoisted them upon her shoulders while simultaneously standing beside them. Not only did Page reassure the LGBTQ community that she hears them and has too crawled through the dark spaces in the closet, but she reminded the entire world of how simply being less horrible to one another could make a significant difference; a seemingly easy task that so many people cannot master or even practice. Prefacing her coming out with 5’30” of poetic prose describing poisonous Hollywood standards and stereotypes, the importance of finding community, and the significance of everyone’s story demonstrates that she is honorably taking on the behemoth monster that is equality. She said it herself:

“Maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. I also do it selfishly because I’m tired of hiding and I’m tired of lying by omission.”

Oftentimes when spotlight figures come out, those who have no grounds to make comment tend to do so in the most careless ways. High atop pedestals, there are some heterosexuals who feel as though what they have to say is valuable and warranted when it fact the opposite is true. Comments such as “it’s about time she came out” or “this is news because…” or “I knew she was gay” or my favorite from heterosexual men: “what a shame, she’s good looking.” I say this to them: until you’ve carried the burden of being closeted, the fear, the hopelessness… there is nothing you can say to that individual that can take away their truth and journey. Commenting on someone else’s truth and experience is meaningless especially when you’ve never experienced anything resembling it. Hell, even if in your mind you think you’ve experienced something resembling their experience, I can assure you it is not the same.

Ellen Page coming out is important for endless reasons because there are still an endless number of human beings struggling in silence, on the receiving end of abuse, and a plethora of other byproducts leftover from living your truth when it does not fit into societal standards. When I was younger and still in the closet the only examples of gay women near my age were fictional characters. While I found support from those fictional characters, I’m confident that the impact would have been far greater if I had had a significant, real life example. I can guarantee that hundreds if not thousands of young teens and beyond gained some courage and confidence last night after hearing Page’s speech (the same can be said when Michael Sam came out). So yes those questioning, every time an important figurehead discloses their sexuality to the public, it is important and it does make a difference. In addition, Page is showing her immense bravery as a member of Hollywood, an industry where image and reputation is the most important factor (mind you she is in the upcoming X-Men film).

Each time another person comes out, I feel the rush of camaraderie that only comes from being part of a group that claims it's own identity.

“Love, the beauty of it, the joy of it, and yes, even the pain of it is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being and we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame and without compromise. There are too many kids out there suffering from bullying, rejection, or simply being mistreated for who they are. Too many drops outs, too much abuse, too many homeless, too many suicides. You can change that and you are changing that; but you didn’t need me to tell you that…”

The closing statements of Ellen Page’s speech that left me teary eyed said it all. Coming out matters because love is one of the most incredible experiences we can have as human beings. It matters because you help pave the path to equality a little bit further. It matters because one day we won’t have to come out anymore.

There is a reason I stomp around preaching the benefits of developing an active social media presence (and defending my addiction) because sometimes it will lead to an opportunity, great or small. The right tweet sent at the right time with the appropriate handles addressed and relevant hashtags can get all the right eyes scrolling in your direction. I recently experienced this when I tweeted at current MTV Real World: Ex-plosion badass and visionary Ari Fitz concerning a small blurb I wrote about her in a previous post.

In what seems like typical Ari fashion, she happily responded to my tweet and eventually the questions I sent to her via email. She is a wonderful example of maintaining an active social relationship with her fans as well as those she has an interest in working with professionally. My questions were not the most eloquent or engaging considering they were hastily thought of in the context of my life experiences and what I’ve been reading lately, but still she took the time to reply in which I will share with you. As I addressed in the previous post, these questions (on a very basic level) revolve around the idea of intersectionality and how it poses difficulties navigating through the world of self-identity and dating.

Have you always been aware of your sexuality?

Ari Fitz: Not really. It was never a big realization for me. I just fell for a girl (like hard!) one day and when it continued to happen, I just smiled about it and kept going.

Were you hesitant when you discovered this aspect of yourself?

Ari: No, not really. It’s just another part of who I am, if anything if teaches me a new way to view identity, love, body issues, gender, etc. In short, I have a gift because of the way I love. It’s called unique perspective.

Were you raised in a predominantly white environment?

Ari: Nope. I grew up in Vallejo, Ca which was mad diverse. My best friend is 4’11 confident, tough and Filipina & Puerto Rican. I have really close good friends from where I grew up that are White, Black, Filipino/Pacific Islander, Asian, Hispanic/Latino, etc… Something else I’m thankful for that’s given me perspective.

Your ex on the show is white, have you always dated white women? Have you felt guilt for doing so?

Ari: Ashley is half Chinese and half “White” (Italian, Irish). She’s the girl I’ve dated that isn’t Black or Latina. She’s one of my best friends, she’s stood by me when I was absolutely nothing and she’s supported me since day one so I have absolutely no guilt about being involved with her.

Were you ever worried your partner would say or infer something racist and not be able to understand why that was problematic?

Ari: Sure and I’m equally afraid I might say something that offends her upbringing as Ashley was raised traditionally Chinese. She and I are human. She and I make mistakes. I know her heart is pure, even purer than mine at times so if she makes a mistake or says something “outta pocket”, I know that’s a conversation we can have and she’ll genuinely apologize/correct.

As you grew and became more educated and experienced adult life, has your perception of being a black and gay woman evolved?

Ari: Oh man. Yes, yes and yes. How could it not?

*BONUS* For shits and giggles, what are your opinions on sex toys? Welcomed in the bedroom?

From what I’ve gathered thus far it seems as though Ari Fitz is quite the motivated creative who is exceptionally conscious of herself and the world surrounding her. What more could you ask of a woman working hard to have her visions seen and stories heard? Stories that speak to a community who are otherwise starving for any kind of sustenance. Luckily for us Ari is developing a presence in the film community. Check out her short film The Anniversary costarring her equally gorgeous ex, Ashley:

I do believe she is currently working on a prequel to The Anniversary so look out for that. I don’t know about you all but I’m excited to see what the future holds for her. Keep up with her shenanigans on Twitter and don’t forget to watch her in action Wednesdays at 10pm on MTV.

After sitting in my drafts for a bit I’ve yet to come up with any new, profound points about experiencing and consequently rising above rejection. I’ve also been temporarily paralyzed by my (most recent) personal meeting with rejection. Hopefully I avoid sounding like a whiney millennial because… none of those are here right now.

In the last two weeks I made it to the final round of candidates for a dream position of sorts, had quite the encouraging interview (with encouraging activity from the interviewers), and waited for a week in high but realistic spirits. A week later I was smacked in the face with the most generic rejection email. It was almost as though I had never talked with anyone affiliated with the organization. I refreshed my inbox several times to insure I did not read the message incorrectly. But of course, there it was, the rejection just comfortably sitting there–mocking me.

It’s almost comical how many instances of rejection we will experience in our lifetime. That little girl didn’t want to hold your hand in the sandbox. Your body rejected your first navel piercing. The girl with a constellation of freckles (damn I’m sounding like Thought Catalog…) and honey eyes politely rejected your offer to take her on a date. Your professor rejected the topic for your final paper. Your dream job and others like it send you a sugary coated e-reject on a weekly basis. The list infinitely continues. Rejection is the gift that keeps on giving (among the other “gifts” that keep on giving). Yes, it is a gift if you take the necessary steps and use it as a catalyst for growth and success!

Here are my steps:

Step 1 is a completely natural response to disappointment and should not be skipped. After every other failure comes back to haunt you, I think it’s appropriate to spend a short amount of time acknowledging your sadness. What a great way to remind yourself that you have feelings, meaningful goals that you would like to accomplish, and have made efforts to reach them.

I find myself suspended in step 2 whether or not I’m going through the stages of rejection. I know my generation is supposedly stuck in the “existential vacuum” and I am completely corroborating that notion. However, existential does not necessarily equal nihilistic, apathetic, or lazy–which are additional terms that often get thrown into the vortex of immobilemillennials.

Step 3 is somewhat like a passive rebellious phase for me. My mind begins conjuring up images of me traveling to exotic destinations and being transparent; rejecting western values, corporate America, and the white picket fence portrait (Note: I already generally reject these notions to lesser degrees). Ultimately, I am all bark and no bite.

Alas, the light at the end of the rejection tunnel reveals itself as step 4 slaps you back into reality. Your friends and friendly strangers are there bandaging your wounds, giving you lollipops, and offering you all kinds of next steps that never even crossed your mind. Confidence regenerates and you’re feeling stronger than ever. You even appreciate the rejection because with it came experience and evidence that you are trying to level up in life.

Leveling up requires the final step of getting back out there. Change your approach and typical patterns that seem to result in rejection. Maybe there’s a different strategy or perspective you did not consider because it’s unfamiliar to you. Tweaking your routine will yield other results and get you one step closer to that life goal.

This is the simple way in which I experience rejection. I probably sound dramatic but it’s not my fault because I’m involuntarily hyper-aware of my emotions. Embrace rejection. You were rejected for a reason so kindly thank the Universe for nudging you in more correct directions.

**Spoilers Ahead** Also jumbling of random thoughts as the film is very long and I will probably be piecing together my feelings until I see it again.

After months of anxiously waiting, Googling, and Youtubing the internationally acclaimed film Blue is the Warmest Color, I finally got to indulge myself in all 179 minutes of emotionally charged glory. This is the first film involving a relationship between two women that didn’t register as a “lesbian film” in my mind but rather a story about self-discovery and exchanging energy rivaling that of the sun. I walked out the theatre feeling emotionally exhausted and headed straight to the sushi bar with my friends to share reactions and alcohol. Despite the length of the story I was enthralled the entire time because (obviously) I’m biased towards illustrations of same-sex relationships. The shots were beautiful and simple, often with warm glows accompanying scenes of intense passion or happiness. Extreme close ups were used during the most intimate scenes such as eating, kissing, and sex; something we’re not used to seeing in American films.

The infamous and well-lit sex scene started off sensually from my perspective. I could feel their raw passion being released as they deeply explored each others bodies. But the longer it progressed the more uncomfortable it got (not to me per say) and I really did not see how the addition contributed any more to the scene or film as a whole. The male gaze was strongly present here as many articles have pointed out but it didn’t ruin my experience because I received the scene as another step in the evolution of their relationship and demonstration of human beings succumbing to their visceral, carnal desires. Either way, I thought it was pretty damn sexy. Another point of probable contention was Adéle’s infidelity with her male coworker, occurring approximately a few or so years into their relationship. Some saw this as the typical queer narration of the “straight” girl going back to guy. Clearly that is not the case here. Emma focused much of her time and energy in her work, which made Adéle feel undesired and under appreciated so she sought out another being who could fill the voids. Attraction of any sort due to proximity is very common and so her decisions or mistakes have some validity. I’m not condoning her cheating, but Adéle’s condition after Emma ferociously dismissed her from their shared home was indicative of her not “going back to men.”

It was almost physically painful to watch Adéle begin her monotonous life devoid of passion and energy. She regresses back to her High School self, sleeping sprawled out and child-like, having sexual fantasies, and being mostly alone. One of the most heartbreaking scenes came towards the end when Emma met Adéle in a café to reconnect. Adéle’s intentions were obvious even before Emma sat down. She was waiting poised, primped, and had ordered a glass of white wine, of which she called Emma’s stepdad to make sure it was a favorite of Emma’s. Emma refused the wine and instead ordered a coffee. Typical questions of ex lovers were passed back and fourth until Adéle asked Emma if she was sexually satisfied with her new lover (who has a child). After ambiguously responding, Adéle aggressively and I suppose passionately kisses Emma and directs her hand to the crotch of her tights. They briefly continue the heated moment in the public space until Emma stops, ultimately ending Adéle’s last efforts to win the love of her life back. Emma then eloquently states that she has a family now but will always have “infinite tenderness” [for Adéle]. That was when mine and Adéle’s tears flowed in harmony, continuing as Emma got up and walked out, back to the love waiting for her at home. I teared up because I could see and feel Adéle’s burning desperation. Her emptiness. I wanted to jump through the screen and give her words of advice from Sheryl Crow, “the first cut is the deepest.”

Overall, Blue is the Warmest Color met and maybe exceeded my expectations. I enjoyed watching the passage of love between two very different individuals. I am delighted the film was French not only for the beautiful language but for the French aesthetic. Little dialogue and a lot of Mise-en-scène, cigarettes, and eating. It forced the viewer to focus on emotions told through eyes and mouths. In an interview (they are so adorable and attractive) Adéle described the story as one about “skin, close ups, mouths, itching, and cumming” so they had to let their bodies speak. It is perfect example of showing not telling and that really resonates with me. The high-tensioned moments were dispersed among mostly uneventful scenes, which may be a more accurate portrayal of love than your average love stories. The fact that my mind truly did not register this as a distinctly lesbian film, I think means that love honestly was the focus and not the sexuality of the characters. I am looking forward to seeing how Blue performs during award season and the impact, if any, it makes in the future of film in terms same sex relationships. Who knows, maybe we can get an actual queer person to write and direct one day! If nothing else, see the film to gawk at the beauty (and bodies) and talent of Léa Seydoux and Adéle Exarchopoulos.

I was debating whether or not I should include another gif and ultimately decided against it as I try to make my posts more content-focused. But everyone in the lesbian world of shipping knows damn well that one more gif would’ve lead to gifs of every lesbian relationship ever portrayed on television, which we know them all. The Queer fandom world is unlike any audience I’ve ever been a part of; occupied by some of the most talented, devoted, and passionate people I’ve had the pleasure of admiring. With social media platforms like Tumblr it’s easier than ever for us to share our fantasies and interpretations of our favorite onscreen relationships in the form of fanfics, gifs, and everything else in between. While I enjoy every single minute of scrolling and reading, sometimes I stop to think is it sad that I’m practically living an important aspect of my life through glowing screens?

For those of us who don’t have that great group of lesbian friends like the ladies of The Real L Word, where else are we supposed to go for a community that feels like a friendship? The art of shipping fictional characters (yes it’s totally an art) may appear a bit insane to outsiders, but I completely understand and appreciate the necessity for it. It’s an expression and manifestation of the things we hope for ourselves, the things we don’t see in everyday life because we may not know a lesbian couple personally. Years ago when South of Nowhere first aired in 2005 I remember so badly wanting to talk to anyone about my love for Spencer and Ashley (Shipping name: Spashley). I wasn’t out yet and I had never heard of anyone else mentioning the show so I just kept everything to myself. Luckily I was pretty tech obsessed and ended up finding the Spashley message boards online where I would sift through posts finding obsessed girls like me as well as the confused and scared. Message boards, the original Tumblrs without the breadth of personalization, gifs, audio, video, and well… pretty much everything. But it’s all we had and I know how much they helped me discover myself and share parts of me with strangers who felt similarly.

Fandoms of the Queer persuasion also know how frustrating it is to be a devoted shipper, as the relationships we crave are more often than not destroyed and/or ruined in the least favorable of ways. Yes I’m sure we’re aware that not all of our beloved relationships can go exactly as we’d like, but can we have just one that works out, gets adequate story time, and avoids making generalizations or upholding stereotypes?! Networks, I do applaud you though for the strides you’ve made and keep making i.e. The Fosters and maybe Grey’s Anatomy? Calzona of Grey’s Anatomy is one of the few relationships I’m not familiar with because I haven’t watched the show since season 1 aired 100 years ago. However, you better believe I’ve seen the gifs and quotes from the couple on Tumblr so basically I know them. I’m glad we can be here for each other in our times of need.

At the end of the day I’m never truly embarrassed or sad that some of my most significant sources of joy come from those awesome users that run fandom Tumblrs like a well-oiled machine. You can always count on them for gifs generated literally 2mins after an episode airs (seriously how the hell do you guys do that?), questions answered, theories proposed, and overall companionship. This only becomes a potential social misstep if you lose the ability to keep a grasp on reality and the real life relationships that you should be cultivating. That’s not an issue for me at all but it would be nice to have that close “lezbro” who gets unnecessarily excited when your favorite queer characters look at each other in that way. I’m sure that lezbro (or maybe even girlfriend) will come along someday so until then I will unabashedly continue to dive deep in the waves of queer shippers and fandoms.

Orange Is The New Black has been available for our viewing pleasures for approximately 2.5 weeks. If you’re one of the unfortunate souls who has yet to binge watch all 13 episodes in a week (or 2 days), WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Do you remember that girl you had a crush on who consumed your thoughts your every waking moment? The girl who could flip a switch on every emotion you carry within yourself? This show is that girl. Our eyes, brains, and souls have been waiting for a show like this. A show created by a kickass woman (Jenji Kohan, the creator of Weeds) that features even more kickass women characters. Frankly, this show has increased my lesbian pride ten-fold because I am just in awe and lust with every contributor to this project. My initial interest in the show was sparked because I saw a gif of a naked Piper Chapman and Alex Vause in the shower; and that was all the motivation I needed to dive right in to this treat of a show. However, the show moves far beyond our lady-on-lady prison fantasies. Each woman has a story and their stories are raw and emotional. Their personalities are vastly different offering us a smorgasbord of traits to love, hate, and connect to. Obviously my mini review of the show will not rival the hundreds of “expert” reviews online, but I thought I’d share my perspective anyway.

I have a favorite character, but truthfully, I love each character and what they have to offer the show.

Can we just look at this cast? Hot Donna. Britney Spears’ BFF from the movie Crossroads. The lesbian sent to reform camp in But I’m A Cheerleader. Talents from the stages of Broadway.

Look at the diversity. We have black, white, Russian, Latina, transgender, feminine, masculine, skinny, chubby… And that’s only the characters in this photo. Other characters are a butch lesbian, a yogi, the side bitches, etc. The variety is just unreal. The other great thing about the show is that the characters don’t feel stereotyped at all. Each dialogue feels natural and each inmate gets their time in the spotlight. We learn their backstories. We see their transformations and begin to feel for these women. Can you guess who my favorite character is?

Thank You Jesus

Alex Vause is my favorite inmate because the way I lust after her is something serious. She reminds me that I am definitely a dyke. Her swagger is truly off the meter. The way she seems so confident and unafraid on the outside, when in reality she’s so broken on the inside. She’s not invincible like her body language gives off, and just like any other hot-blooded lesbian, she’s been destroyed by a “straight girl” (re: So You Fell In Love With ANOTHER Straight Girl). She’s intelligent and resilient. She’s unapologetic about her love for the female body. Those black framed glasses and her subtle yet sexy mannerisms just top the sexy sundae that is Alex Vause. She surpasses Shane from The L Word as being the lesbian with the most swagger. For those who keep saying “there will never be another L Word and this sure isn’t it,” well of course it’s not. You have to remember that this show is not just about lesbians. In fact, the way sexuality is addressed in this show is phenomenal. It’s normalized and mocked among the lesbian (or previously curious) characters, while simultaneously scrutinized by some of the other male and female characters. Their interactions and relationships are just so wonderfully complicated and thoughtful that I still can’t believe this show exists. I haven’t even touched the surface of the show in terms of what it offers to viewers. I could write a 20 page essay on the show but I would need to watch the season over a few more times.

So just do yourselves a favor and go to Netflix right now and start watching. If you don’t have Netflix there are other places where you can watch all 13 episodes. You will laugh with tears streaming down your face. You’ll cry and you’ll cringe in disgust and discomfort. You might even have to go change your panties a few times. Either way this show will make you feel some things a show probably hasn’t made you feel in quite some time.

Happy watching and feel relieved that season 2 is already a go. Let me know what you think!

The reason I love film (I promise I’m not some pretentious film snob who despises the word “movie”) is because they truly have the ability to change your entire perspective of life or help you along the path of self-discovery. I will be the first to vouch for films in helping me discover myself. This list will be comprised of some films, according to my memory, that helped solidify that I in fact was a lady lover.

The first film is But I’m A Cheerleader. I remember sneaking and watching this on premium cable every chance I got, which was all the time because for some reason it was always on. Released in 1999, the story centers around your typical hot blonde cheerleader who seems to have it all in her conservative suburban lifestyle. Oh but there’s a twist! She’s not exactly so straight and narrow so her family sends her to one of those creepy conversion camps that tries to “cure” people of their homosexual thoughts and behaviors. Hilarious hijinks ensue and frankly if I got to meet the gays she does in this camp then I wouldn’t have minded so much (but conversion camps are truly disgusting). While I wasn’t completely aware of Rupaul’s meaning to the gay community in 1999, I sure did know that Clea Duvall made my insides feel funny. The lesbian community loves our fellow lesbian leading lady. In But I’m A Cheerleader she plays the lesbian who is completely disinterested and acknowledges her sexuality, which is why she was the perfect character to meet the blonde cheerleader. Clea also had roles in some of my other favorites including Faculty, Girl, Interrupted, the most recent season of American Horror Story, and of course the Oscar winning film Argo. She definitely plays the gay role naturally although I don’t think she has officially ever come out… Not that she needs to. Does she have a girlfriend?

Cheerocracy

Next up is Bring It On. This one is included on my list of movies I could watch repeatedly and never get sick of. Released in 2000, the film has that awesome feeling of late 90s High School drama. I was 11 when this came out and I don’t remember seeing it in theaters so I probably caught it when it was released to cable television. My mind most likely guided me to this because of attractive ladies in cheerleading uniforms. Kirstin Dunst, Eliza Dushku, and Gabrielle Union combined into my dream trio of gals. But it was Eliza Dushku as Missy Pantone who stole my heart. The transfer from Los Angeles, who joins the Rancho Cucamonga Torros as a last resort because the school has no gymnastic team (SEE WHAT I DID THERE), evolves from city punk to lovable cheerleader while adjusting to working with some grade A bitches.

Hot Dayum.

I mean just look at her. When she strutted into that gym for tryouts with her middrift exposed, twisted hair, cargo pants, and barbwire tattoo carefully drawn on herself with a sharpie, I knew I was in love. Confronting the cheer bitches with her sharp tongue and impressive tumbling skills, Missy eventually goes on to help the Torros through some cheerocracy challenges. However, like most mainstream movies, my favorite female character falls for the prince charming and lives happily ever after. I in response get angry with her for not falling for a girl… Another sign that you might be gay. Nonetheless, Eliza Dushku I salute you for always playing those badass characters and reminding me why I like women.

The final movie I’ll discuss is for me one of the most heart-wrenching and beautiful lesbian loves stories I’ve seen thus far. Lost and Delirious is the story of three boarding school girls, two of which face a friendship that oscillates between friends, lovers, and nothing. I love the way this story is told by way of Mischa Barton’s character, an introverted outsider looking in on Piper Perabo’s and Jessica Paré’s relationship. I do believe this is the first movie I sought out that had a blatantly clear plot where a character was struggling with her sexuality. Pauli, Piper Perabo’s character falls madly in love with Tori, Jessica Paré’s character. While their love burns hot like coals for some time, it cannot last due to Tori’s family values and reputation at the boarding school. This hurls Pauli into a spiral of madness, which I find beautiful because her manic passion shows how insane unrequited love makes one feel. I always recommend Lost and Delirious to people seeking out a basic movie with a lesbian love story. After watching this I knew I was a lesbian because a man has never made me feel to this intensity, like Pauli feels with Tori.

I only mentioned three movies for the sake of length but there is quite an array of films with lesbian content in them. I like to pride myself on the number of films I’ve watched that can be twisted into some kind of queer text because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them all. Here’s a list of films provided by imdb for you to view if you’re seeking such content: List of Queer Films