Stories

GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST, Mont. – A nearly completely rare dinosaur skeleton stolen from private property in Montana and bored to death in an evidence locker for more than two years has turned over in its grave.

Finally.

Scientists at the Black Hills Institute of Geological Research in South Dakota say the 70-million-year-old turkey-sized predator could have been a new species of raptor. However, it was voted off the Island by spoilsport Simon Cowell, losing out to Susan Boyle.

“It’s a mean and nasty little dinosaur,” said Peter Larson, president of the institute. “Even though it’s not very big, you wouldn’t want to meet it in a dark bowling alley. Research tells us it had a 243 league average.”

Researchers say it’s unusual to find the skeleton of a meat-eating dinosaur in a Vegan restaurant, and especially one that’s so small.

“Well, no wonder it was small,” Larson remarked. “Its mom surely meant for it to eat meat.”

Because of its resemblance to a turkey and its tendency to hang out in dark places, scientists named the little bugger “Turkalurk.”

The stolen raptor fossil was at long last returned to the owners of the property where it had been innocently hanging about for, ummm… 70 million years, and they in turn sent it to the institute in South Dakota.

Dateline – Gilroy, CA 95020
ABCD news has reported that China plans to sell up to 5.8 billion Barry Bonds bobbly-headed dashboard dolls. The move will replenish China’s capital and meet government standards following a record surge in lending last year amid Beijing’s stimulus measures, a state-run gossip columnist reported.

Groups in the West raised the alarm to check each doll for lead content. “It is probably hidden in the bat,” one Conservative pundit muttered.