Call him in for absolutely any reason — underhand real estate dealings for the library, jay-walking or whatever. Once he’s there, lock the door and throw away the key. There is ample evidence that this man is a dangerous criminal, one guilty of hundreds, if not thousands, of inane, immoral, illegal and treasonous deeds. All that remains is to incarcerate him.

No matter how many different parties you have you will never please everybody. This is why the party that can lie the best is the one that wins. There are many people that supported Obama that couldn’t tell you how many judges sit on the supreme court. Many for the first time because of color or how much they would get. Than there are the the ones with white guilt that in their minds makes them non racist by voting for a black man that clearly was not the right person for the job. This country has come to the point where everything must be politically correct, we must sacrifice integrity, morals, honor, and now security all in the name of affirmative action. The GOP needs to get back to basics, starting with honesty being the best policy. Than they need to educate the people on the fact that they do much better, and the country does better when they support themselves. “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link” and we wonder why the country is about to snap!!!

It’s the battle of the thesaurus gone awry (benjaminblue) vs. thinly-veiled racism (The Proctologist). Who will come out on top for today’s dumbest comment?

Michelle Bachmann, idiot Congresswoman from Minnesota, cannot appear in public without fear mongering the fuck out of every moron that takes her drivel seriously. This weekend, Bachmann appeared on Sue Jeffers radio show and continued her streak.

Jeffers actually wants Bachmann to run for the Senate. I can’t imagine that happening considering that Bachmann only very narrowly won her Republican-leaning district in 2008. The entire state of Minnesota won’t put up with her nonsense, right? It really makes you guys look bad.

Anyway, Bachmann continues with her metaphor of “being behind enemy lines” in Washington. This kind of talk incites violence. It did during the days of Joe McCarthy and George Wallace and it does now. Her substance isn’t even worth my time. It’s so laced with bullshit and banalities that her opinion cannot be trusted. The good people of Minnesota have got to fix this lapse in their thinking in 2010. Our forgiveness won’t last forever. One of these days, I’ll have to pull a Bill O’Reilly if you keep electing these chumps.

This feature is part one of a two-part series centered on the two major political parties in the United States. The 8 Dumbest Things about the Republican Party is available here.

Without further ado, let’s whip this donkey into shape.

Me, checking on the health of the Democratic Party

8. Democrats feel guilty about everything.

To these Democrats, the tragedy of Darfur is the fault of the global imperialism of American companies, gang members just need a stern talking-to, and all military personell are brainwashed by the overlords of the Military Industrial Complex. All cultural practices are permissible as long as they do not include hunting and fishing in the United States. Female circumcision and honor killings are morally sound as long as no white people are doing it.

7. Democrats believe we should save every endangered species on the planet.

Recently, Barack Obama became the fourth president that has committed to saving the Spotted Owl in Oregon. And while many environmentalist organizations applaud his effort, we also need to realize that species go extinct all the time. Not only that, but where are we going to put all the windmills that will be needed to secure our energy future? If we can preserve parks, then that’s great. But democrats seem to think we can save every species on Earth while still securing the energy needed to run their hybrid Prius.

Blue boobies.

6. Democrats believe that they have a monopoly on rational thought.

Rethuglicans. You see it in the comment sections every single day on The Huffington Post. Everything the Republicans suggest is immediately wrong and stupid. These Democrats can’t actually explain the alternate Republican budget proposal, nor can they tell you why global warming is occurring, they just know that if you question any of it, then you’re an idiot.

I’m not questioning the science of global warming. However, scientists still haven’t even fully grasped what gravity is, much less the intricacies of the warming planet. Both sides need to question and both sides need to listen to one another.

5. Democrats believe we can win the War on Drugs by educating the American public.

“Who wants to learn how to use recreational drugs?” Ms. Snodgrass asks her fourth grade class. “Well, today we are going to learn that you can get high from inhaling the fumes from the rubber cement that I keep in my desk. But that it’s very bad for you health and you should never, ever do it.”

You know what else parents tell kids? That candy will rot their teeth and that television will turn their brains to mush. Guess what? It doesn’t work. Kids love candy and TV and when they get older, they may develop a penchant for stogies and hash. Some people, in life, will become drug abusers. It’s time we let people have a little responsibility to do what they want with their life.

I D.A.R.E. you to do these drugs.

4. Democrats exploit blue collar workers.

This is most aggravating during any kind of Democratic primary. They would have you believe that all Democratic politicians came from nothing and then magically became successful politicians. Let’s take John Edwards for example. Edwards almost said the phrase “son of a mill worker” more than John Kerry mentioned his service in Vietnam during the 2004 elections. Just because your dad was a blue collar worker, doesn’t mean you are “of the people.” It just means that you had to sink to chasing ambulances in order to buy your first mansion.

Fast forward to 2009. Democrats control the House, the Senate, and the Presidency. They are losing the message war on the Employee Free Choice Act, and they are doing it by not strongly objecting to the lies that surround the bill. Claire McCaskill said in early March that she does not believe that they have the 60 votes that they will need. If they grew a pair and told everyone in the country that the EFCA does not get rid of secret elections, then I think we could actually get somewhere with it. I just have a funny feeling that there are a few Democratic Senators that do not want the bill to pass because…

3. Democrats pretend to avoid special interest groups in Washington.

Barack Obama made several early campaign promises of being free from the strings of lobbyists. Within weeks he passed a law that made it illegal for lobbyists to receive starring roles in the Presidential Cabinet…and then he broke the law 48 hours later.

During the campaign, Obama claimed that he didn’t take any money from oil companies or from Washington lobbyists. The first claim is misleading and the second is only half true. It has been illegal for candidates to take any money directly from corporations since 1907, but Obama did take about $213,000 from oil company workers and their spouses. It is true that Obama did not take any money from Federally Registered Lobbyists, but he did take money from people who work at lobbying firms, as well as their spouses. (Source: FactCheck.org)

A group of Republicans or Democrats protests the other party's politicians.

2. Democrats whine about everything and are afraid to do what they say.

When Democrats are out of power, they pound their chests for the rights of the little guy, for immediate withdrawal from Iraq, and against corporate cronyism in the Republican party. But when they get into power, things change. All of the sudden, several members of Congress are rethinking their position on the Employee Free Choice Act. All of the sudden, we can’t leave Iraq until 2011. All of the sudden, the CEOs have to stay because they are the only people on the planet that can save us from the economic clusterfuck.

1. The people who vote for the Democrats.

This one hurts. And I, just like you, have cringed when I walk into the voting booth. But we’ve got to accept responsibility for the shitty politicians that we’ve given ourselves.

My main problem with the electorate at large is that they view politicians as blank canvases on which they can project their personal ideals. A successful politician need only offend the least number of people in order to win an election. When was the last time you vote For someone more than you voted Against the opposition?

Pundits in the media hurt the electorate more than we can bear. By smearing 24-hour gossip-athons into our collective face, the media actually convinces us that we do care about the wolves in Alaska, or the pastors in Chicago, or the knocked up teenage daughter. But if we lived next to the Palins/Obamas/McCains/Bidens it wouldn’t be an issue. We’ve glorified our politicians right out of their basic humanity.

But I’d hate to leave you on a downer…

Let me tell you a story about a different kind of Democrat. Harry Braun ran for President of the United States in 2004. Braun had big ideas for America, which included building a fleet of 1 million windships.

Two windships

This may sound like batshit loony tunes Daily-Show-ready material right now. But let Braun explain his idea:

The Windship systems were developed by William Heronemus, an engineering professor at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. Heronemus graduated from both the U.S. Naval Academy and MIT, and then served as a naval engineer and architect until his retirement in 1965. Note the tugboat at the base of the Windship that is delivering the crew that will live and work in the submerged spherical hulls. Given that each Windship will have a crew of approximately 10 people, the one million windships that will make the U.S. energy independent of all fossil and nuclear fuels will employ 10 million people in high-quality jobs. The hulls will also contain the electrolytic hydrogen production systems that will make hydrogen from the seawater with the electricity generated by the mast of wind turbines. (Braunforpresident.com)

I like it. It’s radical and I actually believe him. It may cost a couple trillion dollars to construct the windships, but at least he is facing the energy crisis head-on. Imagine the freedom of not having to rely on the whim of the Saudis in order to heat your home and put gas in your car. We wouldn’t have to ruin our mountain landscapes with mine waste and we sure as shit wouldn’t have to fight in a war for resources. Our energy plan would be completely sustainable into the foreseeable future.

The media quickly dismissed Braun as a “fringe” candidate. Maybe it’s just me, but he’s speaking more sanity than I’ve heard from a politician in a long time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Jack Run, would like to say first and foremost that it is a pleasure to be speaking to you right now.I would also like to thank one Joel Lightly for being so kind as to invite me to scream my opinions into your collective face as a contributor to Real Weird Politics.Thank you for your generosity, Mr. Lightly, and I hereby do solemnly swear to be an objective and abrasive cunt of a contributor that speaks my mind and abuses grammatical hyphenations.

Ah, but who am I?I am probably a Virgo, I imagine that I like long walks on the beach, I probably enjoy a good candle lit dinner, and I am most certainly not a “cat person”.

And now, down to brass tacks…

...because the first bailouts of the automotive industry set such a good precedent...

In the article Money For Teachers Could Go Elsewhere, published today March 30th by CBS, we learn that while Obama promised that nearly all of the $100 billion spent on education in his seizure-inducingly-horrid-and-hyper-costly-travesty-of-tax-payer-and-future-tax-payer-money-spending-monstrosity-of-a-stimulus-bill was designed to retain teachers, some states will be spending said money elsewhere.Like on playground equipment (awesome!).Or wallpaper (lame). Or filling a budget gap (fiscal responsibility!).

The article covers a lot of ground, such as how some states plan to refuse their cut of the stimulus, how the money is an ever-expanding ball of many-strings-attached legalisms and bureaucracy, how Education Secretary Arne Duncan is trying to find a way to force these states to accept the money, and how kittens actually taste more like baloney than chicken.Weird, I know.

But I digress…

As Obama said, the money is supposed to be spent on the teachers, not on playgrounds no matter how awesome, not on paying off budget gaps no matter how fiscally responsible, and CERTAINLY not on lame-ass wallpaper.As a huge slice of the stimulus/bailout bill, this money is as one protesting teacher aptly scribed on a picket sign, a bailout.

Let’s just state the obvious ugly fact: despite the king-size spending, America’s public education system sucks.The children it produces are dumber than snot, and in similar fashion to the King of Pop’s face, all the money in the world doesn’t promise any form of improvement to a total fucking clusterfuck of this magnitude.

To clarify the above statement in plainest English, what I mean to say is that raising the pay or even in some cases continuing the salary of failing teachers in a failing system will change nothing other than the balance on the account of he-who-pays; that being YOU, fair tax payer.

Now I understand fully that teachers are people too, and that what I’m talking about here is JOBS – jobs that these teachers need in order to put bread on the table.But I also understand that the money that these “teachers” (yes, quotes – because if children are no smarter after being taught by said teachers, then are said teachers really teachers?) are paid comes directly out of the tax payer’s pockets.Do I think that it is fair that my siblings and my parents and my peers and all you other hardworking sons of bitches should pay these people’s salaries if they’re not actually doing their job?No.

Yes, I know I am over simplifying here, and I would be so bold as to say that kids these days are as dumb as they are due more so to the failed institution of parenting than to our educational system, but folks, let’s call it like we see it.If you want to keep your job or earn more cash, you gotta prove you’re worth it.You gotta show results.

I view the education bailouts in the same light as I view the bailouts of the auto companies – all these bailouts do is support failed institutions in their current failure-prone form.Go ahead, bail them out – but be prepared to bail them out again and again and again…

Picture yourself in a rowboat on the high seas with a hole in the bottom – if you don’t do the work necessary to plug up the hole, you’re never going to be able to stem the flow of water sinking your boat.

And no, kittens don’t REALLY taste like baloney.If I were to describe the taste, it would be something more along the flavor of narwhal…or justice.

A group of fourth grade students from New Jersey currently want the state to declare the tomato as its official vegetable. Apparently, there is a fourth grade teacher at Warren County’s Memorial School that wants to not only teach her students that tomatoes are vegetables, but to legislate it as such.

Still a fruit in all 50 states.

I don’t understand the lesson here. Is she trying to teach her students that government officials are morons? That at the whim of cute kids and sycophant lawmakers, we can change fruits into vegetables, eyes into ears, and Stephenie Meyer into Shakespeare? War is not Peace and 2 + 2 does not equal 5. At least for now.