One of my BFF's is Indian. She is gorgeous, fun, YOUNG and has more energy than anyone I have ever known. Come to think of it, why am I friends with her anyway? She grew up a military brat, but, spent most of her childhood in India speaking both Hindi and English...English with a British flair (Great Britain ruled India for decades, a little fact this dumb American never knew until she became besties with someone who actually lived outside of PA). Then my girlfriend met this AWEsome Indian doctor and found herself in the middle of Garrison, North Dakota for a few years only then to later wind up in South Central PA. It didn't take poor, lost "Dorothy" to realize she wasn't "in Delhi anymore".

The trade off for following a handsome, loving doctor to the middle of nowhere, left my poor Dorothy friend shoe shopping online, learning a new culture and learning all the weirdness that comes with adapting to the English language. The English language that was not taught in a classroom, or in her native India with a great deal of British influence, but, in the good old USA. Sure my girlfriend spoke English, she understood English and she could read English, but, until you are thrown into the English language with no rule books on the metaphors, idioms, inconsistent phonetics, and the slang haphazardly tossed about, my bestie "Dorothy" probably wanted to click her ruby slippers and bust out of Oz (most certainly out of cold, snowy North Dakota winters) and head back to Delhi, taking her fabulous husband in her basket with her.

For someone like me, who grew up speaking English and only English, I take for granted the ease of the English language, but, for some people, English isn't that easy. A study was conducted by a language processing company called Idibon to try and determine not which languages are "hard" to learn (Arabic is in the top five), but, which languages are "weird". The Idibon study looked into which languages used the greatest number of unusual features that are not used in many other languages. I am proud (?) to report that English ranked number 33 out of 239 languages in the "weirdness index". I can't decide if that is a good number or bad? I guess the fact that our language made the "weirdness list" should ease the minds of the non-native speakers. Now when they make grammatical, phonetical and pronunciation faux pas, they can acknowledge that they are not in fact weird, but, it is the English language who is to blame.

I've often wondered if Ryan's struggle with pragmatic speech (language used to communicate and socialize) makes him feel like he has entered a foreign country, where he is familiar with the language....he speaks it, reads it, interprets it, and for the most part, understands it, until the English language 'weirdness factor" comes into play. My boy, and many kids with an ASD, are so literal that figurative language, metaphors, slang, cliches, etc., get lost on them, which ironically makes them feel weird, even though we now have legitimate proof that it is the English language that is weird. And as far as Ryan is concerned, there is nothing weirder about our language than the use of idioms. So, if you ask Ryan a question and he doesn't respond right away, do not ask him, "if the cat's got his tongue" because I assure you, not only will he think you are "as dumb as a rock", but, you will most certainly be shown his tongue in an attempt to prove to you that the cat in fact did not take his tongue. You will then be told, in a voice full of shock and disdain that you could AWEnestly be so stupid, that since a cat has no hands, taking a human's tongue is next to impossible

The English language can be very difficult, "weird" and illogical not only for those who did not grow up speaking the language, but, for many kids with an Autism Spectrum Disorder who interpret all the words they hear in a very literal, very concrete, way. It's funny, because more often than not, I believe that the way Ryan sees and hears the world makes much more sense than the way I do. For instance, on what planet does it make sense that a heavy downpour should be equated to "raining cats and dogs"? Why not horses and cows? After all, if you are trying to talk about the large amount of WATER falling from the sky, aren't horses and cows bigger? Wouldn't that have a more dramatic effect and isn't that what we are trying to do? It makes perfect, logical sense to say, "it's raining heavily today" or "there is a lot of water coming from the clouds today" or more precisely, "I guess the water droplets in the clouds grew too heavy today and gravity forced raindrops to fall from the sky" since that is EXACTLY what is happening. Thank goodness there are no dogs and cats or horses and cows falling from the sky, what in the world would an umbrella cost in order to protect oneself from falling felines or bovines?

Just like my bestie from India, has slowly learned the various cliches, idioms, metaphors and slang abundant in our weird English language, she still sometimes gets confused and AWEnestly, it is so funny to hear her strong Indian accent saying something so weirdly English (Come on, she's gorgeous, fun, and young, she has to have something I can abuse her about). Just like a non-native English speaker, Ryan can learn and memorize idioms, metaphors and slang, but, having such "weirdness" become part of his English repertoire probably will not happen. Memorizing such English "weirdness" and sort of understanding idioms and metaphors, doesn't necessarily mean they make logical sense to Ryan, and my boy is all about being logical. Being logical, being literal, helps Ryan makes sense of a confusing world. As his mother, who knows him better than anyone, you would think by now I would understand this, but, sometimes I take for granted that some of my weird English phrases make absolutely no sense to him.

A perfect example happened on one of the 72 snow days we had this winter (it sure felt like 72 snow days). It was one of those days where it was icy and the roads were hazardous just in time for the morning commute and the weather men predicted a worse scenario than what actually occurred. By noon, the snow and ice had melted and the sun was shining. As Ryan and I headed out to the grocery store he said, "I can't believe we didn't have school today." "Tell me about it.", I replied. Without missing a beat Ryan said, "I just did tell you about it. Didn't you hear me? Maybe you are going deaf." Yes, literally, Ryan did just "tell me about it", but, figuratively, he wasn't going to "tell me about it" again. I smiled the entire way to the grocery store, but, still wondered how much weird English language Ryan misses in social conversations. It makes perfect sense that Ryan chooses to stay quiet, to avoid social settings when the words he is trying to understand are so freaking weird.

Ryan and his speech therapist worked on idioms once upon a time and during that time, I bought Ryan this Dictionary of Idioms book thinking Ryan could memorize them and not feel weird about our weird language. Thinking that if Ryan just read the book, memorized some of the more common idioms, he might not feel like his peers are speaking a foreign language. Ryan never cracked the cover because AWEnestly, he could care less about idioms. Idioms don't make sense, to a literal thinker. Idioms are illogical and so why would Ryan waste "a penny for his thoughts" on something so ridiculous. Ryan has learned to recognize some idioms, but, chances are, no matter how much I am rushing him in the morning, screaming for him to put his shoes on and brush his teeth, Ryan will never tell me to "hold my horses" because clearly I don't have any horses and even if I did, a horse would be much too big for me to "hold".

As Ryan's mom, I try to speak in a way Ryan understands, but, since idioms, metaphors, and slang have been a part of my repertoire for so long, it's "hard to teach an old dog new tricks". So on particularly tough days, days when autism has a stronger hold on my boy's brain and days when my 40 something hormones have a stronger hold on my brain, and I'm trying to get through to Ryan by telling him he's "making a mountain out of a mole hill" and that by yelling at me is only "adding fuel to the fire" and that if he keeps "getting under my skin", I'm going to "hit the roof" and he most assuredly is going to "be in the doghouse", would do nothing to resolve the situation. In fact, Ryan would look at me like I was speaking Hindi or some other language he does not understand. My dear old friend, Clueless would be sitting on the side of Ryan's bed "in stitches" at my stupidity.

If Ryan cared enough to interpret my idiotic idioms, he would assure me that he cannot make a mountain out of a molehill because he does not have heavy equipment machines at his disposal and even if he did, he is not allowed to operate them. Ryan would also point out to me that the gas cans are in the garage and that on the side of the gas cans it reads, "Danger Extremely flammable" so even if there were a fire in his bedroom, Ryan would never add fuel to the fire, instead he would flee the house and dial 911 as he has been instructed to do. Ryan would logically point out that he is entirely too big to "get under my skin" and that getting under anyone's skin would require cutting their skin and making them bleed and since Ryan is not a fan of blood, he would choose to stay outside of my skin rather than under it. After discussing the dangers of climbing on top of the roof in order to "hit the roof" Ryan would then remind me that dog houses are for dogs, not people, and that our dog doesn't even have a doghouse so obviously there is no way Ryan could be "in the doghouse". See, now who makes more sense, Ryan or me?

Concrete, literal thinkers have no time or room in their black and white brain for idioms and AWEnestly, who can blame them? When you stop and think about them literally, they make no more sense than someone speaking a foreign language you have never heard before. Clearly, the guy at Game Stop will not take my arm and my leg instead of cold hard cash for the latest Mario game even though I have assured Ryan, that the game "costs an arm and a leg". And although you may have reached your limit with all the crap that happened in one day, and you can't take one more bad thing happening, a piece of straw will not break a camel's back. Camel's are very strong animals, as are their backs, which is evidenced by people riding on camel's backs across the Sahara Desert. And even though you spend hundreds of dollars on your new dress, shoes, and accessories in order to look hawt at your upcoming class reunion for that old flame of yours, no matter how much your shoes cost or how many lines that Botox erased, that old boyfriend will not "eat his heart out", unless of course your high school boyfriend's name was Hannibal Lecter.

My bestie from India has been in this country for 12 years, ironically, Ryan has been in this world and this country (only) for 12 years too. My girlfriend and Ryan couldn't be more different socially. Her social circle and friends on Facebook are in the hundreds, Ryan's circle is in the single digits with no Facebook account, however, when it comes to understanding and interpreting the weirdness of the English language, they have both had their misunderstandings, confusions and funny moments. The English language may not be hard to learn, but, it can be weird in it's interpretations with all it's metaphors, slang, and idioms. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations and getting the wrong idea happens frequently which we now understand doesn't make the speaker "weird", just the language.

Just like Ryan may look at you creepily if you tell him your going to "lose your shirt" at the casino, you may look at my Indian British influenced girlfriend creepily if after a day of shopping with her, she asks you to pop your "dickie". Regardless of how much money you may lose at the casino, you will not walk out of the casino shirtless and my friend who wants you to pop your "dickie" (which may sound horribly forward, after only one shopping date), does not want you to pull your pants down, all she wants you to do is open the "trunk" of your car where her shopping treasures are located. The weirdness of language can lead to weird, but, funny moments, that leave you feeling like "a fish out of water" or make you want to "bite your tongue".

When I hear my friend speaking Hindi, which is "all Greek to me", I recognize that getting Ryan to speak in idioms or metaphors is like asking him to speak a foreign language and that I'm "barking up the wrong tree", so I have stopped "beating a dead horse" and put the Dictionary of Idioms away. Ryan may not memorize idioms, metaphors and slang, in order to enhance his pragmatic speech, but, as with so many things in the world of autism, I have learned, that there is "more than one way to skin a cat" so, even though Ryan may be a "tough nut to crack", I keep in mind that "Rome was not built in a day" and when it comes to helping my son succeed, I will never, ever "throw in the towel".

Sometimes his "bark is worse than his bite", especially when he is as "mad as a wet hen", but, "make no bones about it", my boy loves like no other.

Author

Definition of Awe:"a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity or might." Yep, someone should have consulted a mom before spelling AWEtis﻿m.