Sunday, December 14, 2008

Trix: And then we had twins! And quadruplets! Pity us! And if you criticize us, you're just jealous!

Tom: On this episode, our fall getaway leads us to Hawaii and a vow renewal ceremony. That's right; I've married this woman twice.

Trix: Aw honey! And you've kissed me four times on camera!

Tom: Do you really keep count of that?

Trix: No, I asked the production assistants to do that for me.

Tom: Before we renewed our vows, we decided that I would accept a free hair transplant that had been offered to me.

Trix: What a wonderful opportunity! He had lots of hair when I met him; I really missed that hair.

Tom: You looked pretty different when we were dating too, you know.

Trix: Whatever. I plead six. I really wanted Tom to have lots of hair for the renewal. Plus going bald is affecting his self-esteem. I went along with him to make sure they did it right!

Tom: The kids came down with the flu the day before we flew out.

Trix: Family helper Peggy graciously stayed with the kids while we were gone. I mean, everything had been arranged so they could accommodate us for the hair transplant, and the kids weren't dying, just throwing up a lot.

Tom: Yeah, and the producers hired a maid to help Peggy clean up all the puke while we were gone. No big deal.

Trix: They did a wonderful job with the hair transplant! I love running my fingers through his plugs.

Tom: Except that not everything has healed and it hurts when you do that.

Trix: Aw honey!

Tom: Despite all of the pain, I really appreciate the work of Dr Gratis and his staff, in giving me a full head of hair again.

Tom: So after all the sutures were out, and the kids stopped vomiting, it was time to leave for Hawaii. The Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie offered us a free stay for our vow renewal!

Trix: A lot of people want to know why we're renewing our vows for our ninth anniversary, like we're old or something. It's because we didn't get to have our first wedding in Hawaii like we wanted.

Tom: We were really poor when we were younger and got engaged.

Trix: We really wanted to get married in Hawaii but our families wouldn't pay for it so we had to get married in the backyard. I had to do my own hair and make-up!

Tom: It was nice that our local family got to see us married, but I have relatives in Hawaii that couldn't come.

Trix: Everytime I see our wedding video, I literally want to cry and vomit because we couldn't have our wedding the way we wanted with all of our family there.

Tom: So now we'll have our Hawaii wedding with our kids, and the family that I haven't seen them since I was seven years old.

Trix: This cute little dress shop offered to supply my dress for the vow renewal. Who am I to say no? I flew to New York to pick out my new dress.

Shop owner: Welcome to our store, Trix! But why are you here alone? It's customary for the bride to bring along her friends and family!

Trix: They don't know how to help.

Trix: I don't look pregnant and I don't look slutty. I'll take this one.

Trix: We were concerned about jet lag and the time difference, so we arranged for a few stops along the way to Hawaii, to help the kids adjust.

Tom: We really appreciate all ten of the zoos and amusement parks that invited us to visit.

Trix: They were so accommodating! I can't imagine that they've ever had to deal with a group as large as ours, but they all made it look easy! What memories we made!

Tom: We also really appreciate Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie in Hawaii that invited us to stay with them.

Trix: Tom and I had our own master suite. The twins and the boys stayed in the suite next door. Since the little girls get up so early, they stayed with Peggy in her room.

Tom: One we got to Hawaii, we were given the grand treatment by Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie.

Trix: And why not? We're on TV! Since Tom went through the pain of the hair transplant for me, I let the producers fly in a world famous hairdresser to turn me blonde again.

Tom: Rowr!

Trix: We had a great time with all of the tours and activities they planned for us.

Tom: The little kids saw the ocean for the first time, and the twins had fun going swimming.

Trix: And for once, I remembered to put on sunscreen, so I only got a tan and not a burn. I am famous for burning, famous!

Tom: I was very happy when my relatives appeared. They were happy to see us in person and not on TV.

Trix: Great-Auntie Esther is so cute, I could eat her up! They love us!

Tom: The day of the wedding, I helped by taking the boys to the golf course.

Trix: I got mani/pedis for myself and the girls. Naturally, one of the twins just had to have a low blood sugar meltdown on my special day.

Tricia: Nooooo! The little girls can't have curls! I'm the only one who is supposed to have curls!

Tom: Did Tammy have a meltdown too?

Trix: Tammy hid from the camera all day. Whatever.

Tom: The vow renewal was really beautiful. They had a Circle of Love!

Trix: Only the kids were unruly, so ill-behaved, not paying attention. I don't know where they get it from.

Tom: So we told them to leave the Circle of Love and sit down.

Trix: Go! Except you, Tara. Sit! Good boy! Peggy, fetch them some snacks. But no gum!

Tom: I, Tom, promise that I will always love and obey you, and when you get that giant pulsating vein in your forehead, I will ask you how I can help you.

Trix: I, Trix, promise that I will try very hard to allow for the possibility that I might remember to have patience with all of your faults, Tom. Even when you have so, so many faults, but what can you expect, you're just a man. But at least you have terrific hair.

Tom: Hotel Haiyouwannafreebie gave us a great meal afterwards.

Trix: The cake was organic and very delicious, but the little boys didn't get any because they didn't eat their supper.

Tom: We had a bitchin' party afterwards. I don't know how we can ever top this vacation.

Trix: You know, before you met me, you had the experience of backpacking through Europe and going to Korea, but the rest of us have never left North America...

Angela, I hope you will resume T&T+6. Brilliant. I don't even bother watching the real show anymore. The shark was jumped a long time ago! And I still get "hate" comments on Chicago Moms Blog from those who only read the first sentence of my posting about caregivers.

Disclaimer

This blog was a parody of elements of a TV show. It was never about getting the TV show "Jon & Kate Plus 8", Kate Gosselin and her toxic personality did that without anyone's help. Because nobody knows how to help her, har har. Peace out!