She shifted her feet, hesitating and at the same
time knowing that she was going to go over. She studied him. All the
time, it felt like. Ever since he had told her every deep thing about
him, she had been unable to look at his form and not want to touch
him.

He was slouched slightly on the couch, his tie a
little loose, his sleeves messily rolled. She sat down and fixed her
skirt, but he was concentrating on what he was reading and did not
even notice she had sat down.

She felt a little put out at this, but wasn't
quite sure what to say, so she angled herself closer to him and made
a soft restless noise. Her knees fell into his periphery vision and
he looked up. His shoulders tensed at recognizing her, but his face
gave away nothing.

"Hi," she said, trying to feel less awkward,
but he didn't reply and it only multiplied the feeling. "I wanted
to talk with you."

He didn't move, didn't even shift the book
from his lap, only gave a slight twitch of his eyebrow to show that
he was listening. Somehow, even though his eyes were on her face and
they were in a room filled with other people, she felt self-conscious
about her body and how she looked to him. She sucked in her stomach a
little and sat a bit straighter, relaxing her posture and arching her
chest some. If he noticed, he did not show it. If anything, this only
made her feel more uncomfortable with herself.

She looked down at the hands in her lap.
"James," she began, but she didn't really have anything to say.
She thought about telling him her secrets, but they weren't
anything like his. She thought she might reassure him that she
wouldn't tell anyone, but he had to know that already, or else he
didn't really care who knew.

She wanted to be with him again, even if it
meant just being friends, because she didn't like not being around
him at all. She had been so stupid for trying to push him away, and
she wasn't sure she had ended up hurting him more than she hurt
herself. The worst of it was she didn't know how to fix what was
wrong.

"Well as enlightening as this is," he said
in a dry drawl, "I really do have to read this before class."

He turned his head back down to his book. She
couldn't believe how quickly hot tears sprang into her eyes.
"James," she said again but he didn't turn. She was so
frustrated with him and how he was treating her. He was so distant
and he was sitting so close. She reached out her hand to touch his,
and he recoiled in surprise. She quickly took her hand back and found
herself choking on air, her throat too tight to get it into her
lungs.

She turned to stand and leave as fast as
possible, but his hand was suddenly on her wrist, his thumb rubbing
at the sensitive flesh of her hand and pulling her to sit back down.

"You don't even know why I'm mad at you,
do you?" he said, but there wasn't any anger in his voice, only a
resigned tone. It didn't really sound like a question, but he
didn't say anything else. He still wasn't looking at her, but her
eyes were riveted to his face, as if through examination alone she
could determine whether or not he could forgive her.

"Of course I do," she said, because she
finally had something to say. "I was being stupid and I forced you
to tell me things that you didn't—"

"I wanted you to know those things," he
said, cutting her off. "And you weren't being stupid. I want you
close to me, Lily. I want you closer than is safe. But I want you
further away too. I was angry because you finally want me, and all I
can think about is pushing you away."

"Why?" she asked, half desperate to know and
half terrified to find out.

"Because you're really important to me, and
I'm not all that good for you. I get angry too easily, and I think
about you in ways I shouldn't, and I'm never going to be any good
at talking about my feelings."

"What if I don't care?" she said. "What
if I don't care about any of that?"

His hand tightened on her wrist. Her heart
tightened in her chest.

"It doesn't matter," he said.

She wanted him and he wanted her, and it was all
that should have mattered, but for some reason it wasn't and she
felt like nothing was ever in her control.

She looked around at the people around her
before leaning in close to his ear. "I don't want you to drink so
much, and no more tattoos unless you ask first. You arn't allowed
in the Forbidden Forest alone, and I don't care what reason you
think you have, you're never ever ever allowed to try and
kill yourself again. You're going to study hard and you're going
to graduate with honors. You're going to spend the rest of the year
trying to get me to sleep with you and I'm going to refuse and you
are just going to have to deal with it until I'm ready. And…if
you spend holidays with me then you won't have to see your father.
Be with me James."

He finally turned to look at her and his eyes
seemed to draw her in. He kissed her hard, and her mind reeled, all
thought knocked from her mind. His tongue slipped in her mouth almost
immediately, and almost before she could think if she even wanted him
there he was languidly sucking and massaging her own tongue
playfully. She moaned softly at how aggressive he was, her face
flushed, but she didn't care who was watching. He wanted her, deep
down inside him, and he was so afraid, but then so was she because he
was so much more than she had ever judged him to be.

His hands wrapped around her and though they
were gentle, they were strong and overpowered her until he had pulled
her on top of him. He pulled her arms up around his neck and he
settled his at her hips, his fingers stroking her skin through the
fabric of her shirt. She didn't think he was ever going to let up
on his assault of her mouth, and she didn't really care. She
thought they could spend the whole day just kissing one another and
she would not get tired of the feeling. It sent warm chills through
her, and it didn't seem fair the way he seemed to know how to
control and react to her in just such a way that it touched parts of
her so deep inside even she was not aware these places existed.

He pulled back and whispered, "We'll be late
to class."

"Are you still mad at me?" she asked, and he
smiled and gave out a huff of laughter. She had missed that look of
uninhibited happiness on his handsome face and she leaned in again to
kiss him.

"No," he said softly in her ear. "I've
changed."

AN: done! No, really. I've written
about twenty different versions of this and the more I do the more
extensive the plot gets and the less time I spend on my main ficlet
BC and that needs to stop because I would really like to have that
one done in a year and that will never happen if I sidetrack on
tangents, no matter how fun the plot bunnies are. So, done! Please
review!

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.