Thursday, July 29, 2010

Biding my time before surgery, I have an appointment with the surgeon himself this Monday. I’m obsessively looking up the ejection fraction percentage for a gallbladders, which should be in the range of 35-75%, and mine is 30%, so it’s not that bad. I’ve been advised to try holistic approaches before venturing off to have the doctors pry me open. I then thought about acupuncture, so I sifted around online and found a few people, some who were just straight out of college trying out a new profession, mostly anglo and eager to make a buck out of poking people with needles. I want traditional Chinese people doing this---not some waitress/student/wannabe acupuncturist. Then I found the perfect one: an old Chinese guru right down the block. She asked what’s bothering me and I told her I had stomach issues and explained my concern about how itchy the doctors wanted to open me up and suck this gallbladder right out of my bellybutton. She was thrilled to hear I opted for the alternative. She’s also into Chinese medicine and said she would make me a few concoctions that’ll relieve many of my ailments. I’m hoping she doesn’t make me fry up a few scorpions over a bed of feline intestines. We’ll see how this goes.

For the past year, I feel as though my life revolves around medical waiting rooms. After getting tests done, then you have to sit home like a fricken monkey and wait around yet again for the results. It’s frustrating. I’m 36 yrs old living the life of a 95 yr old. I told my mother, “Next you’ll be hearing about my hip replacement.” It never ends. I started feeling really depressed because I feel like it’s infringing on my quality of life. I'm always getting sick, I'm too ugly, I'm getting fat, I'm too too too much... It was then I had spoken to someone who enlightened me about “life” and how everyone’s life is different; various crosses to bear, and as she put it, people’s “shadows”. We all have “shadows” we want to get out of, a health issue, depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem. We all have something. We can either hide it or relate to one another. Most hide it though. While you may think someone else may have the perfect life: a nice house, nice cars, wealth, the perfect body, a Huxtable-like family or whatever, they may be going through something you wouldn’t dare choose to trade. We’re all insecure to a degree, whether we think we’re not good enough, rich enough, thin enough, funny enough - some people tend to get into certain mindsets that offset what’s truly going on. For instance: people who insult everyone. You know the type, the one that says you don’t look good or your job isn’t good enough, you could do better or they may even insult your spouse/partner. Everything out of their mouth is an insult or an indirect one. Where do you think that comes from? Why would someone care so much if you didn’t “look that good” or you didn’t have the “perfect mate”? They insult so they can feel better about their own lives. It's a negative way of going about "feeling good", but sometimes, it's their only way. It’s all about insecurity issues.

So many of us are walking around depressed, and for good reason. Most of us are adrenaline junkies, whether it’s getting that temporary high from buying something big, or having an affair and even to the point of those thrill seeking bungee jumpers. It’s a rush; a thrill that’ll last for probably a few days. The novelty of all of these euphoric highs only last for so long. What about the constant joy; the inner peace? Do we have it? And if we do have it, would we know it? Think about it ---what gives you inner peace each and every day? What one thing gives you happiness when you come home? Your inner peace can be the love you have for your children, your family or your time alone in a bubble bath with a glass of wine (which is my personal favorite). That’s why I believe in writing down ten things that you’re grateful for---a gratitude list. It keeps you in check when things aren't going so good, or as you would like. When you list the things you are grateful for, watch how your level of happiness rises, at least some level that puts you in a better perspective about things, about life and about how lucky you truly are, even if you’re going through the most difficult time.

I read something today in a Christian-based magazine called, “The Word for Today”. Whether you’re faith is of another religion, it’s just a really great message...

“The good news is, there’s no such thing as a purposeless trial! Each trial is designed to launch us to a new spiritual level. The interesting thing about our trials is, they’re custom made; they have our name on them. Paul discovered two things about his trials (a) The reason for the trial. 'To keep me from becoming conceited' (2Co 12:7 NIV). (b) The result of the trial. 'That Christ’s power may rest on me' (2Co 12:9 NIV). Like a tailor measuring you for a suit that will fit perfectly, the Holy Spirit customizes the trials we encounter to meet our spiritual need, to mould us, and to make us more like Jesus!”

One of my personal favorite stories is this next one, recycled through emails, but sends a beautiful message:

“Is Your Cross Too Heavy to Bear?"

"The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. 'Lord, I can't go on,' he said. 'I have too heavy of a cross to bear.' The Lord replied, 'My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish.' The man was filled with relief. 'Thank you, Lord,' he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. 'I'd like that one, Lord,' he whispered. And the Lord replied, 'My son, that is the cross you just brought in.'"

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined. YOUR CROSS --whatever your cross, whatever your pain--there will always be sunshine after the rain.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you’re anything like me who grew up in a household where your mom always prepared something scrumptious in quantities that were fit for an army, then you’re probably going to relate. I grew up in an Italian household where mom would be cooking meatballs, bracioles, tons of pastas, eggplant parmesan (which is deep fried eggplant along with tons of cheese), fried calamari, fried shrimp, fried chicken cutlets, fried fried fried anything, and lived to be 36 years old to still talk about it, however, with a few minor problems. God bless my parents for being in their mid-seventies, however it sure has taken a toll on my health, although I’m the only one in “control” of the fork, but how can you say no to a cute little Italian mama who is only cooking for you out of love? It’s the guilt that gets me every time, and of course, it’s fricken delicious.

My wife and I cook much differently at home, mostly fish, chicken, vegetables and yes, occasionally we’ll eat red meat, but it has to be either a filet mignon (lean) or if we ‘splurge’ (mostly during PMS mania), a burger. But that’s rare...no pun. We’re totally conscious of what we put into our mouths, even switched our eggs to egg whites and have limited our cheese intake greatly. My wife comes from a Puerto Rican household, where again, everything is just too. damn. good. to just say no to. She decided to switch her diet around after having her heart broken when her grandfather passed away from health complications, such as diabetes, a heart attack, and other related illnesses. She decided to take control and lost 50 lbs. That was “her” scare. Now I have my own...

For the past couple of months, I’ve been getting severe pain and bloating in my upper abdominal region. Sometimes at night, the pain would wake me out of a deep sleep. I’d scream as if someone was jousting a knife into my stomach. I instantly thought it was an ulcer or something, so I started dosing up on Zantac and other stomach-related crap. Then I started to get severe chest pains - sharp pains, to where I said to Mad, “Wow, this is it...let’s go to the emergency room.” I seriously thought it was a heart attack, only coming home from the hospital with the diagnosis of costochondritis, which is only an inflammation of the rib and cartilage mimicking a heart attack. Another night, my entire left arm felt tingly, and finally numb. Then the chest pains started. Since I never had the arm go numb on me, I went to the ER once again, to only be sent home with the same diagnosis.

Fast forward two weeks later, the inflammation in my upper abdominal region had gotten worse and much more painful. I decided to just see my family doctor about it. He poked and prodded and said, “It’s your tissues and muscles around your ribs which are inflamed”, handed me a prescription for muscle relaxers and out the door I went once again, in pain. I then started noticing that anything I ate would immediately trigger a “costochondritis” attack, leaving me hunched over crying, grabbing for pills that would only manifest me into a useless drugged up zombie. Days would go by, I couldn’t eat more than two bites of something without getting sick and without my stomach bloating up inches out past my own boobs! Something is wrong.

I got a second opinion and got a sonogram showing possible gallbladder problems. They then sent me to the hospital to get a HIDA scan that uses nuclear medicine which is very minimal, however they warn you not to go near babies and to flush the toilet 3 times after you use it. (To me that spells out n.u.k.e.d up!) After getting the results, my gallbladder showed positive, and although I didn’t have stones, I had sludgy bile that hardly lets fats pass through to the liver. So, when I eat fatty foods or indulge in red meat, it doesn’t digest properly, or at all for that matter. Now, after months of not knowing what the hell was wrong with me, I now have to get my gallbladder removed. I’m actually excited about it because my pain and discomfort will be gone. Of course I get feedback from others who have had their gallbladder taken out saying that they’ve had problems with IBS or other complications, but I know each person is different.

Mom called me to see if I was okay. She sounded very concerned. After speaking with her, my sister calls me and says, “Mom is so upset that you can’t eat her food anymore. She wanted to know what you could eat that she makes and I told her not a single thing!” This mortified my mother, because this is the way she shows that she loves you. Mom suggested that we barbeque trout and she’ll make a big salad for me. She’s doing her best, but I know that my old school Italian mama thinks her meatballs are going to cure me, but in this case, they just may end up killing me. My wife Madelene used to always say to me before consuming one of my mom’s deep fried meals, “Lo que no mata engorda”, meaning what doesn’t kill you will make you fat. I don’t want either of those options! Another interesting thing is, my entire family thought I was a hypochondriac with all my ailments, chest pains, stomachaches and discomfort after eating. Now I no longer have to put on my tomb stone, “I told you I was sick” ---I can now say it while I’m still alive.

Monday, July 26, 2010

With all the networking sites that are out there, many people get so caught up in it that it absolutely consumes them to know what other people are doing. This has unleashed another hidden type of personality: we’re all nosey. We all want to see photos, status messages sharing info about what people are doing or what mood they’re in, or perhaps, who they just broke up with. Some love it for the drama, most love it to keep up with family, friends and loved ones and there are a few who are on there for ulterior motives, like “stalking” an account in hopes to see that one status message: “I’m going on vacation on the 20th! I can’t wait!” The worst thing in the world is to let other people know you’re going to be leaving your home for a period of time. You can say, “Well, I only have friends on there”---but mind you, some of these “friends” are ‘long lost friends’ who you haven’t seen in quite some time. People change. You don’t know their financial woes or what they’re going through or how long their jail sentence was...

Whoever invented Foursquare are complete idiots. It basically screams out, “I’M NOT HOME PLEASE ROB ME!” It’ll even give a tasty treat to your stalkers (if you have one or two out there) - it gives the location, street address and business establishment of where you are. For example, Foursquare will share with the world when you're out for a cup of coffee: “I’m at West 21rst St at Starbucks” ---each time I see a tweet like this, I ask them, “Why do you do this?” Either they don’t respond or they just say, “I like the feature.” Why??? Why are you leaving yourselves opened to something less than desirable? If I’m out at a store and I’m bored out of my skull, I’ll tweet something like, “Asshole in front of me on a line in the supermarket just passed wind” --needless to say I have quite a few supermarkets around here, but that’s the extent I’ll take it to. But, I digress.

Getting back to the reason of why we’re so addicted to these networking sites leaves me to believe one thing: we’re busybodies. We all hate to admit it. We want to see what other people are doing without the means of using our telephones like the good ol’ days. We want to see new photos, so we don’t have to visit them in person to see for ourselves how much they’ve changed. Has it gotten to the point where these networking sites have left our social lives somewhat empty, or perhaps leaving us antisocial? Last night after a walk in the park (which I happened to let people know on Facebook & Twitter with photos AFTER the fact), I secretly recorded my wife using Facebook for the first time in like months. She’s toggled with it back and forth, got frustrated and then just left it altogether. Now she’s back because all of her family are on there so now she’s interested more than ever, so now I have to sit there like a goddam monkey and show her the ropes. Below is a video of me grinding my teeth as she’s somewhat grasping the ways of Facebook.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Anger motivates many people to do "missions" that are supposedly inspired “by God”. They use the name of God in order to tear down or destroy anyone that may be doing something of their disinterest. Why would any religious person, regardless of their denomination, obsess and focus so much on homosexuality? I’m speaking about those who ridicule gay and lesbian lifestyles to the point of cursing them, and in some unfortunate cases, killing them. I totally believe that what we “hate” has something to do within “us”. So, when someone hates you for being gay, lesbian or transgender, maybe they’re having a sexual orientation and identity crises of their own? That fact remains, when people fear the thought of who they “may” be, is usually generated by anger and obsessiveness, in fear of discovering that they may share something in common. I distinctly remember a friend of mine who was married with kids, went to church like clockwork, who also happened to disagree with my lifestyle. We never fought or debated about it, however sometimes she would suggest or try to influence “God” on me, as if that would change me from being a lesbian into a straight woman. I already knew God. Years later, my friend divorced her husband due to infidelity. She spent a lot of time with my wife and I, going out to dinner and sometimes, dancing afterwards. She always insisted on taking her to a gay club. We always did. She had fun and I finally saw the relaxed ‘at ease’ friend I’ve always hoped for.

One evening, while sitting on my deck having a glass of wine with my friend, we were discussing her divorce and how she and her two daughters were coping with it. She looked over at me and asked, “Did you ever regret something you did in your life out of fear?” I had no clue what she meant by that. She explained to me that she married her best friend, in hopes that she would finally fall in love with him. She was scared that if she didn’t marry a man at a certain age, that she would be shunned by her family. Then she spilled the beans. She said she had always known she preferred women, which is why she was so obsessive about the “sin” of homosexuality, trying to desperately validate that it was wrong and trying to get into total agreement with everyone else in her circle of friends. When she came across someone like myself, who happens to be a Christian and a lesbian, she just couldn’t wrap her mind around it. “How can you justify your lifestyle with your faith?” She always asked me that question over and over. I always answered her calmly, even giving her scriptures to back up the ones she used against me. I knew the bible, I go by the bible, I just don’t go by how some Christians interpret the bible to be. There are so many interpretations, so many translations that it’s just so mind-boggling. Some scriptures even contradict themselves all in the same chapters.

My friend started telling me she had been seeing a woman for the past couple of months, soon after her divorce. I wasn’t surprised for some reason. Her family are Irish Catholics and “dangerously” against homosexuals, to the point of possible violence. I’m almost sure of it by the way they sneered while talking about gays and lesbians. My point is, love and hate have a very fine line. Think about this scenario: two people (regardless if they’re gay or straight) have a turbulent breakup. One person says, “I hate you” in the heat of anger. Methinks thou doth protest too much. Whenever there is a base of passionate love or feelings, and the person contradicts it to the extreme --it’s usually for self-preservation and protection; it’s the opposite of how they really feel. How can someone who has loved somebody for so long and so passionately, now come to the point of hatred? Hatred always has the base of love. So with my little scenario given, think about it in terms of people who hate homosexuality, or just people who are gay and lesbian. Isn’t it evident, that all of their primary focus is on “our sin”? They usually don’t stop and continue ranting on, perhaps even hurting those who are living the life that they want to live. They’re not going to “save” people by protesting with picket signs that say, “Kill fags” and “God hates fags!” It’s ridiculous. They’re repressed people who cannot be themselves, therefore taking out their aggressions on people who are strong enough to finally come out of the closet, regardless if their family and friends shun them.

It must have been a liberating feeling for my friend to finally come out of the closet and be...herself.

When I first started this blog, much of the content was based on my belief as a Christian that homosexuality is not a sin and the scriptures that referred to homosexuality was purely based upon promiscuity and lust, just as premarital heterosexual sex is just the same. I had debated with a few fundamentalist protesting Christians who basically told me I was going to hell and that I was mocking God by calling myself a Christian. Long story short, I was tired of defending myself, because I know in my heart that God loves me, God loves all of the LGBT people that love Him. It’s not a matter of “sin” in this case, because love is love.

This morning, I went into my comment section from my last blog post and saw that someone under “anonymous”, signed “Wayne”, had written quite a lengthy blurb to tell me what “truth” really is regarding homosexuality.

Here’s Wayne’s comment:

"Deb:

I read the postings between yourself and Dani concerning your homosexual lifestyle, and I wanted to share a few words. First, if you really believe in God, then you would have to believe that He is all-wise and knows what He is doing and what He did when He created "Male and Female", gave us different sexual organs on purpose for a purpose: to procreate! Now if God wanted you to be with other women, then why did He give you a vagina and not a penis? Think about this: for the men who claimed that they were "born gay", then why did this all-wise God give them a penis, testicles, and the ability to produce and release semen...if He didn't intend that they should be with women?? What would be the purpose of sperm swimming into another man's feces? The anus, male and female, is not a sex organ; the penis and the vagina are! We all know that the penis - vagina relationship is the appropriate corresponding and complementary relationship that brings pleasure, a sense of oneness and intimacy,and of course, the ability to procreate. People of the same gender cannot and do not experience the afore-mentioned. What would be the purpose of one woman using a "Strap-On" on another woman? Clearly, it is apparent that women that uses strap-ons really want a penis...but because they're warp in the head, they convince themselves that that is normal and natural when clearly it is a perversion! Hopefully this will cause you to think about what you're doing and the lies that you have and continue to follow!

Respectfully Yours,

Wayne”****************************************

My response:

“Hi Wayne,

Thank you for taking the time to comment. Based on my previous debates with many fundamentalist Christians and those Christians who were so concerned over the sin of homosexuality, I have found that their primary focus isn’t on God, but on the sexual acts of homosexuality. My question to you is: why do you focus so much on the sexual aspect of it? Why not focus more on the sin of premarital heterosexual sex acts? Did you know that fellatio and cunnilingus are performed by heterosexual people too? There are religious laws set against these acts because it is an act of “perversion”, so to only pleasure your partner is in fact, a “sin” too. So is everyone going to hell? I think God is a bit more complex than just basing our fate upon those alone. Oh, and by the way, my partner and I don’t use a strap-on, so I hope that you may gain knowledge on this site that not every lesbian uses toys nor does every gay male like anal sex.

Maybe if you can base your knowledge on the gay and lesbian community as “loving couples”, (and of course you’re going to have your lustful ones too, just as there are many in the heterosexual world), then perhaps you’ll see that we’re just like anybody else: people who love their partners that want to grow old with one another. Basing it purely on procreation is silly, because there are many heterosexual married couples who cannot have a baby. So let me ask you this: if they cannot procreate and they are a married heterosexual couple still having sex ---then is that a perversion? Many heterosexual couples prefer anal sex. You are grouping all gays and lesbians as perverts, who do the same things heterosexuals do in some cases. You have to look at the big picture. Each person has a cross to bear, a sin to struggle with, but for someone to judge their crosses and sins are just as “perverted” or for a lack of better words, twisted to do so.

Biblically speaking, in Leviticus, it says, Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination" (Leviticus 18:22). 'If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.' (Leviticus 20:13)

It also states that man should not eat crustaceans of the sea (shellfish), or shave his beard, for that is also an abomination to God. Again, is everyone going to hell? These scriptures are the old law that no longer applies to Christians. Maybe these biblical scriptures will make it clearer for you.

'But what if we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then find out that we are still sinners? Has Christ led us into sin? Of course not! Rather, I make myself guilty if I rebuild the old system I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, I realized I could never earn God’s approval. So I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not one for those who treats the grace of God as meaningless. **For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.** That one sentence says it all: {“For if we could be saved by keeping the law, then there was no need for Christ to die.”} Then you have this passage: 'You and I are Jews by birth, not ‘sinners’ like the Gentiles. And yet we Jewish Christians know that we become right with God, not by doing what the law commands, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be accepted by God because of our faith in Christ-and not because we have obeyed the law. ***For no one will ever be saved by obeying the law.***' ~Galatians 2:15-16

Relying on Jesus’ sacrifice is why love between two people is not wrong. The Old Law no longer binds us. So Wayne, do you believe that Jesus’ death was all done for meaningless purposes? He died for us so that we no longer are bound by the old law, that we can have peace knowing that God accepts us. The biggest commandment is to love God with all your heart, and to also love others as you would yourself. Ah, the golden rule. It’s so hard for super-duper hyped up Christians to follow. It’s no wonder so many of my gay and lesbian friends have turned from Christianity due to people criticizing their lives so much. I’m just glad I can be there for people who have lost hope in Christianity and to let them know how loved they are by God. How important they are to God and that whomever they love, is also a blessing by God.

This last scripture will also prove that whether male or female, we are all part of God's plan:

'Let me put it in another way. The law was our guardian and teacher to lead us until Christ came. So now, through faith in Christ, we are made right with God. But now that faith in Christ has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian. So you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have been made like him. There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female. For you are ALL Christians—you are one in Christ Jesus. And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and now all the promises God gave to him belong to you.' ~Galatians 3:24-29

Maybe one day you’ll find the peace as we have, so you won’t have to fish around for other people’s sins, but to look at your own and focus in on your own heart.

First ,,, Wayne is a jackass ,, Second ,, Wayne seems to be asking a lot of questions without providing a single answer , also his questions seem to be a bit too curious , perhaps Wayne is hiding somthing ,, Is that it Wayner ,, are you CURIOUS ?? ARE YOU TRYING TO OPEN YOUR CLOSET DOOR ???

Homophobic people are usually gay themselves. I totally believe that. All he spoke about were the sexual aspects of the relationship ---nothing else. At least back it up with some scripture! He has nothing.

Back in the days just after the dinosaurs died out when I started "coming out" I had a friend that, while not religious at all, was also very homophobic (he hated religion with the same passion he hated gays). He never explained his reasons for that hate, and I never asked. But except for this one area I loved this guy as a brother. And when I told him, that was the end of our relationship. I still miss him. But I could not keep lying to him.

John i just watched that video ,, thank you for finding it ,, its still in practice today im sure which makes it even more awful ,,, BUT if the right wing Christian fanatics could get away with it THEY would do the same thing ,,, but this is coming from an ANTI religion individual ,, Religion is the reason this world is so messed up ,,

John, For starters, when he talks about God, he uses a capital "H" for He. That's what most Christians do. Secondly, if he is on Dani's website seeing the debates, and defending Dani with what is a sin or not, then what makes you think he's not a Christian? Regardless, I defended my stance against his assumption/belief that homosexuality is a sin.Usually, an atheist doesn't believe in a God and will not defend a "God" if he isn't religious.

Peta, Of course there are homophobes who aren't religious, but when they speak of "sins" and toss out God, then yeah, big clue right there. But homophobia is simply ignorant - the unknown is terrifying to them, especially when they hold their own homosexual tendencies. Did you ever get the vibe that he was gay himself?

Arthur, that's why so many people run away from religions, or seek those who are accepting. But, obviously the guy came off a Christian fundamentalist site and spoke about sins against God... So an educated (or even non-educated guess) would assume he is in fact, Christian. Who knows...I could be wrong. :\

If I didn't know better I would have thought him a lesbian. I never thought him gay in the least, a closet Nazi maybe. Extremely smart, lazy, slightly a slob..... And he never tossed out any comments concerning sin or God or anything that wasn't based in the material world. An example of what he would would say: Some time ago someone in DC took a couple of the then new Glock pistols and unloaded them into a gay bar, his response was, "Good test of the new weapon."

Arthur, I write this realizing that no one ever changes their preconceived world view based on a facebook post but your view is just not true. Not all religions are created equal. There is something called Sharia (Islamic) Law. This law calls for the death of, among others, homosexuals. There are several hundred million human beings currently living under one form or another of Sharia. There is no changing Sharia as its believers consider it “The Word of God, Forever and Unalterable.” There is no reasoning with this, it can only be defeated. Homosexuals are being killed everyday in certain parts of the world, usually without TV cameras present. This is no theoretical construct.

There is NOTHING in Christianity, or English Common Law, for that mater that calls for this. While you may run into intolerant people, ignore them, they have no power over you. No one can offend you until YOU give them that power. You need to focus on who would really do you harm. As we are on facebook, I would suggest you become a “fan” of Jihadwatch and Robert Spencer. Just read his posts for a few days and make up your own mind.

Thanks John , I just may go check that out ,,, But the thinking im my mind is still that Religion of all kinds is for the WEAK ,,,, WEAK people cant live without believing in somthing ,, believing that somthing is in control ,, WE are in control of OUR lives NOT some MYTHICAL being ,, (ok maybe the govt is in control) , but i thank you for not ranting and preaching , you seem like a calm level headed person ,,

Thursday, July 15, 2010

So I’m sitting in a crowded Starbucks on a late this afternoon listening to a couple of ‘seemingly’ gay men talk about “girth”. Yeah...that. I pretended I wasn’t listening and tried to continue writing. I had nothing. Not one word. I couldn’t think. Their conversation was getting more and more interesting by the minute, because for me, I have never heard two men speak so openly about sex before in a ‘feminine’ way - and what I mean by that is: sex spoken in a healthy way, not like two hillbillies chatting about poker in the rear & liquor in the front. This was something you’d get from a sex therapist - hell, even if they were a couple of gay men, they were actually helping my own sexual dilemmas out. I had to look over to see what they were wearing to make sure they were in fact, gay.

Gay man #1: Tight Ambercrombie & Fitch t-shirt with silver writing, with a pair of faded out jeans with stylish patches thrown on ever so randomly, along with a pair of flip flops which happened to match his silver writing on his tee. His hair was dark brown, with blonde highlights. Legs crossed. Pffffbt, definitely.

Gay man #2: White crisp business men’s button down with a pair of beige linen slacks slightly wrinkled, perhaps from sitting in the office all day. Linen...! His dark brown hair was swooshed forward, gelled up with tiny crispy spikes falling on his gorgeous masculine chiseled face. His pinky extended outwards while taking sips of his cappuccino. Totally gay.

I could have went by ‘how’ they were talking, but I didn’t want to stereotype too much now. They first started talking about how important or not girth was. They never mentioned length, I guess for obvious reasons. I thought to myself, “Oh no, they’re gonna totally talk smut”, but to my surprise, they were speaking about how important it was to make your partner feel beautiful and loved, before being intimate with them. The Ambercrombie boy stated that your partner needs to feel comfortable and desired, in order for him to “loosen up”. (I really don’t want to elaborate on that, but I guess it can apply to all things sexual. ...not.) The business suit started chatting about how ‘hard’ it was for him to last a long time with this one guy he’s seeing. He screeched out, “He’s just sooooo amazing!” Ambercrombie boy was teaching him ways to practice “self-control”, so that he doesn’t seem like too much of a Speedy Gonzales It was then I started wishing more women were like Mr. Ambercrombie.

It was like listening to two intellectual Chatty Cathys ramble on and on about the most interesting sexual ventures. There was much more to their conversation, but too much to remember and jot down on this post today, but I will say this: there has to be some sort of intellectual gene in most gay men and transexual women. I know this may sound totally bizarre, but every gay man and transexual woman (MTF - male to female) have always blown me away with their intelligence on such an extreme level, that I have to stop them mid-sentence and say, “Pretend I’m wearing a helmet...ok, continue.” Sometimes their conversations and thought processes go way over my head. I’m not saying that heterosexual men aren’t smart, but think about all of the gay men and transgender women who you have spoken to. Maybe that’s just my experience? I’m not sure. But even their compassion, wit, sensitivity are all more evolved somehow, making me wonder if it’s a gene that makes them tick so magnificently.

So kudos to you, Mr. Ambercrombie & Speedy Gonzales in his little linen suit for educating me a little while having my late afternoon coffee.

Have you ever felt like taking a step back from life and reevaluating who you are, what you want and what you need? For some, it’s a phase that regenerates itself after a period of time, and for others, they never have to do this for whatever reason. Whether it’s your career, love life or anything else that’s causing you grief or stress, taking a break from it proves only to be the healthiest option. I remember going through a turbulent and stressful breakup years ago, and at the same time, trying to change my career from customer service & accounting to a full time writer. It was a steep move, both in subject and pay. My anxiety levels were at its highest, straight from the commute to and from work, the rigid hours, to finding myself dealing with a broken relationship when I got back home. As soon as I came home, I opened a bottle of wine to only stress & obsess. My mind wouldn’t stop. It was like a film projector showing me clips of the worst parts of my life, over and over again. My self-esteem dwindled and I found myself sinking into a deep depression. I had to do something. I made a drastic move: I quit everything. I quit my job, I quit relationships and anything that stressed me out for one whole year. My well of pennies may have been running dry, but hell if I’m gonna die doing something in life that I hated.

Reservations were made. A beautiful beach cottage overlooking the vast ocean for two whole weeks. I went out there with my laptop and an entire book inside my head. Each morning, I’d sit outside with a cup of coffee and watched the waves crash in. I had nothing waiting for me: no deadlines, no expecting partner to ask questions of my whereabouts, no phone calls from managers asking me to come in on a Saturday - I only had one thing: chapters of my book to fill. I knew eventually I had to get my shit together and start my life back up again, but this was “me” time; this was an absolute must to my overall health. Sure people mocked me, even went as far to say, “Oh she just does what she wants to do.” You’re damn straight. And if more people don’t do this, you’ll see the emergency rooms fill up with more cases of chest pains, heart attacks and other things that are all caused from stress. Of course it’s important to safeguard your future, however, when does it come to the point of losing yourself, physically and emotionally, just because you want your bank account at a certain status? Something’s gotta give.

Life’s too short to waste it all inside a cubical, unless you’re doing something you absolutely enjoy. I know a few people in my life who revolve their conversations around financial security and “numbers” all the time, worrying about their golden years. So basically, throughout their entire career as a young person, growing into a middle-aged businessperson, they usually never get to enjoy what they have earned due to worry alone. I’m not saying it’s good to spend all your money in one place, if that’s what you want to do, but to live as though you’re storing nuts like a squirrel 24/7 and not even enjoying it one bit is a waste of a life in my opinion. Not only does the “worry” affect your emotional health, but it also trickles into your relationships, romantic life as well as your time with your family. It’s all work work work, and usually, the only thing these people offer up in a conversation are work and financial matters. It’s normal for people to just talk about their surroundings and happenings in life; what they know.

“It is possible to give freely and become more wealthy, but those who are stingy will lose everything.” -Proverbs 11:24

It’s like a game of Rummy 500, if you don’t give a little, you’ll lose the game. It’s about giving your best card out, and then receiving it back, leaving you with a better hand. It always works that way, and it’s the same with life. I’ve seen so many people stress over money, to the point of almost killing themselves, as well as some of their business and personal relationships. People have this assumption that in order to be happy, you must have money. I can tell you right now, that if someone is depressed, it won’t matter if you drag them out of their tiny studio apartment, straight into a 5,000 sq foot mansion --they’re still going to be depressed. They may get an adrenaline high from all the wealth, but it'll eventually fade and the novelty will soon wear off. Happiness is a constant joy, even if you’re bound to get depression from time-to-time. General overall “happiness” comes from gratitude and love. Without the two, life’s meaningless. So if you’re one of those busy bees constantly storing for nuts, try taking a step back and spoiling yourself with what’s been right underneath your nose.