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Writing. Life. Me.

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Feelin’ good!

First, I can tell my Vitamin D supplements have made a world of difference in my mood and energy level. I can’t tell you how exciting it is to feel like I might feel like my old self again.

Second, PeachyTags had its debut game on February 10th, and it went very well. The tag was #LifeIsPeachyWhen and here is a link to the moments if you want to read some of the tweets that came out of the tag.

Third, I got some more patrons on Patreon! I was completely shocked. I had just decided I’d give it six months and then I’d give up. So now I have a total of five patrons, and I’m so excited about it. In a world where people want everything for free or aren’t willing to spend more on a book than a cup of coffee, I’ve felt like my dreams aren’t worth much. But then here come these people who want to support me and my writing–my art and make me feel like it’s a dream worth believing. So to my patrons, if you’re reading this, Thank you! My heart could just burst–in the best possible way.

Finally, I’m very close to finishing my novel. I only have a few chapters to write to reach my word count goal. And that’s what I’m going to do now. I’m going to finish that book, let it rest a few weeks before returning to it and starting draft two.

I’ve launched my Patreon page

Hello, friends. I just wanted to make a short post to let you know that I’ve launched my Patreon page. I had quite a bit of fun setting it up and I’m looking forward to working with the site.

I will be sharing a middle-grade fantasy on Patreon to kick things off.

Thanks again for all the love you’ve given me. I’m going to continue writing in this blog and I’ll try to post every Monday. If you have any questions or topics you’d like me to talk about, feel free to leave a comment. I love hearing from you.

Like this:

Thanks for the support

Hello friends, just an update from last weeks blog (in case you were wondering how I’m doing) I’m feeling much better. Hopeful. Stubborn. Determined. I’m sure I’ll end up down in the dumps again one day, but it’s so nice knowing I have so many hands reaching out to help me back up.

So many of you reached out to me with encouragement and support after my last post. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated it. All your messages of support made me feel like I wasn’t alone and just maybe people actually appreciated my writing and connected with my voice. I used to feel like I was just shouting into a void with this blog. I know that’s not true now.

So many of you supported my need to take a break that the pressure I was putting on myself just drifted away. The next morning, I was filled with the urge to write. When my writing didn’t feel like something I had to do anymore, the joy naturally drifted back into my heart.

Sometimes it’s hard to admit, or even recognize, that I need support, but it really did make a difference. I loved the interaction with all of you who read my blog post and took the time to send me a message. I honestly had no idea how many people were reading along. It touched my heart. Thank you to everyone who reached out to me. I was overwhelmed by the amount of beautiful, inspiring messages…and only one dick. Ha ha! There always has to be one, doesn’t there?

To allow people to support me in other ways, someone suggested I set up a Patreon page–which I’ll be launching in a week–for anyone who wants participate as I move along this writing journey of mine. It does feel awkward to me to allow anyone inside and show them my work before anyone else sees things or to accept financial support. Even when I had my middle-grade fantasies published through a small press, I had a hard time accepting money for my books. I think I gave away more than I sold. But I’ve realized that I need to get over that. I should feel proud of my work, time, and effort. Support will allow me to spend more time writing, attending writing workshops and conferences, and purchasing resources that will allow me to improve my craft. I want you to know though, that just because I’m starting this Patreon page, you shouldn’t feel obligated to contribute. Believe me, your words of encouragement are enough. I won’t disappear from all the ways we interact now. I’ll still be tweeting like a madwoman (I have an addiction!), and I will keep writing on this blog. But individuals who want to become patrons of mine will have more access to my work and my process.

I’ll be offering rewards for my patrons. What will these rewards be?

1) Access to early drafts. You’ll be able to read my chapters (and tell me what you think, make suggestions.)

2) You’ll get to see extra materials that won’t be included in the book. (Scenes I’ve deleted. Ridiculous lines that I can’t believe I wrote. See the ridiculous scribblings I put in my dream journal. A behind the scenes look at where I find inspiration.)

3) Q&A’s – Ask me anything! Want to know about my creative process, when I write or are you curious about whether I have any weird writing rituals, you’ll be able to ask.

4) My super patrons will find their way into the acknowledgments of my finished work (if it ever gets published. No promises there but I’m a stubborn daughter-of-a-gun so, while it might be 84 years from now, if it happens, I won’t forget you.)

5) Access to signed copies of any of my work that gets published.

6) Name some characters for me or help me name the book. Sometimes I struggle with character names and titles for my books. I’ll be looking to my patrons for help.

If you have any other ideas for rewards, I’d love to hear them. You can comment here, tweet me, or leave a comment on my Facebook or Instagram page.

Thanks again for all the love you sent me. I’ve brushed off the dust, and I’m ready to do this!

I want to quit.

Lately, I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate what I do. I hate my personality. I hate my feelings. I hate everything about me. I feel like a failure, and I want to quit. Everything.

I thought about deleting this blog. I thought about moving all my novels and stories into the trash and deleting them forever. Deleting myself.

I’m even a failure at failing. I think about giving up on writing because I don’t feel like I need any more rejection in my life and what do I do? I write about it. Maybe I just need to give up on trying to be successful at writing in any way that would acknowledge me as a “real” writer and move on. I certainly don’t need any more trolls on Twitter questioning the fact that I’m a “writer” when I don’t write (as they see it), never considering the fact that pen names exist. And oh, I can’t possibly be a writer if I have a typo anywhere. Because being writer somehow makes you super-human and incapable of errors. Writers, after all, are never in need of those people called editors. We know it all. Isn’t that right?

I’m tired of the advice from writers and non-writers about how I should be writing more and not doing other things. And nothing is worse than the non-writers who are so sure they could write a book if they wanted to and feel the need to give me their little pearls of wisdom. This isn’t my first book. Every time I’ve tried to write in a way that isn’t part of my personal process, I’ve failed. I realize these people are all trying to help, but I still grow weary of hearing it all.

I’m paralyzed by the horrible fear that comes when I think about sharing anything I’ve written because I’m absolutely positive that it’s all shit. I’m shit.

When I think about finishing this book and querying agents, the joy is immediately sucked dry from my body. Working with a small press was a soul-crushing disappointment that left me feeling used and stupid. Those are the options, though, if I want to be a “real” writer.

I’m very close to finishing this book, but at this point, I just don’t care if I ever do.

I’ve, once again, moved into the shadows and I don’t really feel any desire to try to step out into the light. My heart is broken. My spirits are broken. I am broken. Most of all, I feel like I deserve to be a broken heap of nothing who will sit and wait until the moment I break down into fine dust and blow away.

I want to quit. But here I am–writing. And I’m sure, one day, bits of light will seep into my heart, get it pumping in an exciting rhythm again that gives me the heart to get up and keep trying.

Like this:

Trust Yourself

It’s only been a few months since I started writing my first adult novel. When I wrote the words “Chapter One” on the blank page, I have to admit, I seriously doubted I could reach the adult-length word count. I had only ever written middle-grades, and the thought of doubling my longest novel scared the living shit out of me.

I had so much doubt about whether I could do it or not but I didn’t let it stop me. And unlike before, I also didn’t try to write in any of the ways that I hear suggested by other authors. I stayed true to my creative process. Fast forward a few months and I’m nearing my target word count with no fear of not getting there.

The best part…I’ve had fun writing again. I haven’t struggled (much). Writing in a way that’s right for me (flying by the seat of my pants) and setting my doubts to the side has proven to be a winning combo.

So, lessons learned.

1) Don’t listen to anyone on HOW to write. Trust your intuition.

2) Believe that you can do it. (And if you don’t believe, just pretend you believe and get started)

I did, and now I’m a #NanoWinner2017 with less than 20,000 words to go to reach my word count goal.

Work-in-progress

I’ve been a little quiet on my blog as I’ve been in a great big slump. I’ve been struggling to believe I was worth anything. Not capable of writing anything worth reading. A face among voiceless faces drifting around the earth without purpose. What is the point? I kept asking myself. Who cares?

Well, I found out someone does care and it made all the difference in the world. And if they care, why couldn’t I? Once again, a switch was flipped. The world turned on. The sun rose. I began to believe.

And a few days ago, I began to write. I let go. I held on. Determination crowded the doubt to the edges. My laptop open. My fingers moving.

No concern for marketing or rules. Just the fun and joy that writing has always brought me.

For a few days now, I’ve gotten back into a writing grove (I’ll be knocking on some wood now.) I’ve got a new morning ritual that reminds me to believe, and it’s working.

Nope, not gonna share what it is. It’s a secret and may just be a little weird. But then, I’m a little weird, so what does that matter.

I wanted to share a few lines from my works-in-progress. Normally, I don’t share anything because I never feel good enough. I’m going to get over that, and I’m going to let my voice be heard.

It feels good to be writing again. My goal is to have the thriller I’m working on done by the end of the year. I’m also in the very beginning phases of a romance. A few lines are down, and I have it churning around in my mind, playing like a movie shrouded in a thick fog that I’m still trying to see through.

I stopped writing for a while because I stopped believing I could. All it took was for someone else to believe in me and to let me know it. And you know what, I kinda feel like I can do anything at this point.

Like this:

Writing Lows

I open up the file of my work-in-progress and stare at the page. I don’t type anything. I sigh. The lid on my laptop closes. Another day goes by that I don’t write a thing.

Why do I keep doing this? It’s certainly not because I have writer’s block. I know exactly where my story is going.

I’m haunted. It’s self-doubt. It’s feeling like a failure. It’s wondering if it’s enough that this story might only matter to me, and no one else, to get me to finish it.

I want to be successful. There’s no denying that. I won’t pretend for a minute that I don’t care if no one ever reads my work.

I’ve never liked being the center of attention, but I’d like attention to be given to the characters and worlds that I spend so much time on and care so much for.

Oh, how I love to write! I always have. I love spending time in another world. I absolutely adore it when my words make people connect to my characters and makes them cry, laugh, or get grossed and/or creeped-out.

But it’s heartbreaking to feel like none of it matters.

I don’t like shouting into a void.

I don’t like feeling like a talentless fool.

So how do I continue? How do I keep on writing stories that no one will ever read?

Writing is a huge investment. Financially and emotionally. I wish more readers knew how much heart we put into our work.

But this is part of the process it seems. My heart dances to the tune created by the thousands of words that compile my little tales and then thuds into the pit of self-doubt and worry that no one will ever want to read them.

Sorry to moan. I’m an emotional person. Why hide it?

And maybe some of you are feeling the same about whatever brings you to great highs and lows.

I’m hoping that putting these feelings out there will help me take off on a writing frenzy again.

As Henry Ford said, “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”