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Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe
– I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not
sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have
integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time
and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit
myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and
as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen
the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I
commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of
not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to
my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I
take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information
and knowledge
I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against
the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then
base my decision
to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and
realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating
disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this
information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify
disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the
knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human
physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the
information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I
see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food
as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of
morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not
actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of
the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing
with the food and basically making completely random food choices which
are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical
body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let
go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within
an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be
eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting
down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I
breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments
in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for
my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself
as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the
unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see
and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and
realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to
stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to
accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it
in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something
which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it
as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I
see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying
and cheating
on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to
stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern
play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and
coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I
breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover
something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I
commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts
that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and
realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go
there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I
might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is
inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to