And remember, whatever lives in the heart control you. It becomes what you strive for and willing to sacrifice anything to have. It therefore, must be something eternal and never breaks. It must, be something that never leaves. Only one thing is like that : The Creator.

Monthly Archives: November 2015

2015 hampir melabuhkan tirai. Aku ingat lagi, on 2014, it has been a tough year for me. That all I want is 2015 to come fast. 2014 end on its own painful way, which teaches me a lot about life. Ada suka, duka, tawa, tangis yang selalunya hanya aku dan Allah tahu.

Azan zuhur dah berkumandang 65min yang lalu. Dan aku masih di atas katil. Terfikirkan blog Asmidar. A girl, who I randomly follow in instagram, because of her beautiful and inspiring instagram pictures, reminding me of Allah Greatness and Power through all her pictures.

Terdetik jugak dalam hati, she went all around the world, like other rich girls, spending money like nobody’s business. Until I found her blogspot today. Tersentap. A young girl who her parents divorced, finding her own money to survive, admitting the challenging life at kuala lumpur, and went over to JB to continue her study just to avoid dugaan dan hidup sosial di KL, and all her islamic words, touched my heart.

All this while, I thought I choose the hard life alone. While people around me still in their comfort zobe. All this while, I never dream of traveling, because it is hard for me to even survive at KL without my parents support. Only to see, today Allah letting me know, how a girl who live a harder life than I do, live decent and grateful for everything life have thrown to her.

Bersyukur Ila, looking back, and think of how Allah has given you everything in life. Every nikmat and easiness in your life. Betapa cantiknya perjalanan hidup. Allah permudahkan. Dari sekolah, senakal-nakal awak, lari asrama, study main2, tak lepas biasiswa untuk sambung oversea, masuk matrikulasi di Perlis, dan hidup dengan leka di UKM, yet Allah masih bagi nikmat sihat, kelapangan waktu. Even you never get dean list, you were offered not once, not twice but many time by many company for a job. Percaya, betapa Allah sayang pada hamba-hamba Nya.

Change Ila. For the better. It is a life long process. Take one step at a time. Slowly and steadily, tetapkan hati pada Yang Maha Pengasih. Tetapkan cinta pada pemberi cinta. Kawal diri, jaga hati. Innallaha ma sabireen.

I cried as I purposely make a fight with him. It hurt. I choose him, but I am not ready. He don’t know what I have done while he was not there for me. I wanted him, so bad. But I can’t keep being like this. He deserve someone else. Someone who would love him as much. Someone who would wait for him. Someone who would understand him.

Despite how good I am in relationship, I betrayed his trust. And I need to let him know that. But I have no confident to not hurt him again. I need to let him go. Most importantly, he need to let me go. He deserve someone better. He always do.

It is hard for me, but I don’t want to put any pressure on him. It is more than enough to know that he is there. His sincerity and niat to be with me. Many would shake us, not just once, but a lot of times. And all those time, I know that he would be there, beside me when I need him.

People cabar ES, they put bet that ES would leave me, they said harsh things, and I cry at night to sleep. And I wake up in the morning, finding him, comforting me. As always, taking care of me, what he do best. The silent me, would still choose him. The stones that they throw towards him while he know nothing, and I keep shielding him, and it hurt me, making me realize of how much I care about him.

It will be a tough journey along the way. I’m gonna get hurt. But we will go through this together. Because I choose him. Always do, always will.

It is hard to make this decision. I am at the middle of shaking things off, and to see if ES worth all my efforts, time and love. Currently, I’m in huge doubt. I don’t know if he can handle me at my worst. Been few days, he was there, assuring me, his existence and undivided love. Back during the time, we spend together. For once, I feel safe to be beside him. I miss that feeling. I want him to be beside me, and look me in the eyes, and to tell me, make the right decision. To choose him.

Well, it is hard to be the middle child. To grow up lacking with love, it is painful to admit. But that’s the truth. The elder should get more attention because they need to have more responsibility. The younger should too, because they are growing up. And the middle? Live on your own. Too old to be care about, to young to make own decision.

18 years, living at home. while all other siblings went to hostel. Having high expectation from parents *because I live at home* 😦

Pressure, is what makes me struggle to get into uni and moved away from home. It is a painful life back then and now. I rarely have anyone to share my achievement, or what I have been doing to improve my own life. Maybe, after all, what I need is someone to be there. Who would ask me, every now and then, out of love, and out of comfort. He, who would understand, the meaning of being lonely, and to stand on his own two feet to survive.