Author Archive: regalkillz

So don’t misunderstand, Spotify is absolutely legendary and 100% superior to surfing youtube vids to hear songs one doesn’t have on itunes for whatever reason, but one thing I am most definitely going to miss is the random image collections that enterprising young people put together to fill the screen while a song plays. We know you only wanted to upload the song, and you could’ve just put up a black screen with the artist’s name for all we cared. But you didn’t. You created a titty montage masterpiece to Donnie Iris’s “Leah,” and for that we will be forever grateful.

As an added bonus, look at how fucking hot Lindsay Lohan is in the opening photograph of the montage. And now think about what she looks like today. I swear to God its as though she drank out of the wrong goblet at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.

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For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, Sasha is a friend of ours who makes awesome wacky animated videos out of weird celebrity interviews and phone calls and shit. He always finds the best stuff, too – take for example this phone message left by none other than Hunter S. Thomspon himself, berating the bloody hell out of whoever was idiotic and/or suicidal enough to fuck up his stereo system.

For my money, when you go to install something for a shotgun-toting lunatic widely known to have fried his brain on one of the most outlandish (and well-documented) combinations of controlled substances in modern history, you do that shit right the first time and be thankful you escaped with your life. I feel sorry for the poor soul who had to go up there for round two.

Additionally, listen to this a second time and compare it to the voice Johnny Depp did for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Props to that guy, fuckin spot on.

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“Gossip, gossip, nigga just stop it” – well, that shit is basically impossible at the moment, cuz the other day Kanye’s video for “Monster” leaked, and long story short, its fuckin bananas. Along with Gaga, Beyonce, and a handful of others, I feel like Kanye is one of the only mainstream acts who still gives a shit about making sick videos, and for this I am glad. This honestly might be my favorite music video ever made, though as a life-long horror film dork I am most certainly biased. Featuring Rick Ross, Jay-Z, and Nicki Minaj, the vid is chock full of half naked model corpses, severed heads, grasping vampire hands, zombie schoolgirls, and other assorted freaky freakies guaranteed to terrorize. Check it – unless of course your office frowns on nude dead girls and phrases like “Ima need to see your fuckin hands at the concert” repeated over and over again.

Also, let it be stated for the record that Nicki Minaj, in addition to apparently having an ass thick enough to cause neck injury, has easily the best verse on this whole track. All kinds of wacky voice inflection, great wordplay (“she’s on a diet but my pocket’s eatin cheesecake” is a better flip than Lil Kim has ever spit in her GD life), and she rides the beat like a muthafucka. Homegirl is indeed a Monster, it just bothers me that her guest spots on other people’s shit are way better than her own shit. I feel like record labels always try to make chicks do silly R&B nonsense, when obviously Nicki is at her best dropping straight savagery. Keep rollin that candy-colored Tonka, girl!

Additionally, am I the only one who would just like to give Rick Ross a big pat on the back for carrying the huge-dude-with-a-beard torch in hip-hop? He’s like the only guy in the game who’s maintaining a degree of physical intimidation. I mean, Weezie is dope, but c’mon – I feel like if push came to shove I could fold that dude up and put him in a suitcase. My man Ricky looks like he could play offensive line or work the door at a bar in Bushwick. Plus black dudes with beards are the shit and the only other beard I can think of in hip-hop is on Freeway and its one of those wack under-the-chin jobs that makes him look like a fuckin jihadist.

ADDITIONALLY, if this video is the new Thriller (which, let’s be honest, it kind of is – no black pop star makes a horror-themed video without inviting those comparisons), does this mean Bon Iver is the new Vincent Price?

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So as just about everyone is aware, we here in New York had a massive snowstorm just after Christmas that played havoc with the city in the ensuing days. Not, however, quite as much havoc as these two dipshits and their heavy machinery.

I mean, that shit is just brutal. Watch it again and see how far the Expedition MOVES to the left. I love how at no point do they even get out to see how the whole thing is going – its like at a certain point they saw they’d damaged the shit and were like “eh, fuck it, we’re gonna have to buy this guy a new car anyway,” and then really punched it. Gotta love homeboy’s narration as well, couldn’t have done the play-by-play better myself.

For the record, when you’re doing something, and you find passersby all around screaming things like “what are you DOING??” and “are you out of your MIND???” maybe its time to rethink the gameplan.

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So I was watching Black Swan for the second time last night, and if you haven’t seen it you really should because it is FUCKING AWESOME (go ahead, I even linked the picture to fandango.com so you can buy yourself some tickets and get out of the house for once in your life) – the music, choreography, cinematography, performances…all of it is superb and I honestly can’t say enough good things about it. At any rate, wait for the frame in the film pictured above. If at this point you do not think Natalie Portman deserves to win the Academy Award for Best Actress, then

a) you need to get your fucking head examined.
b) you are Annette Bening. And you need to get your fucking head examined.

Thank God an actress from our generation has finally stepped up. I was beginning to fear that after Meryl Streep and her lot kicked off, we’d have to start handing out Oscars to Megan Fox and Scarlett Johanson’s tits.

*Self promotional braggadocious sidenote: I danced with Natalie Portman at the Hudson Hotel on New Year’s Eve 2001. So yeah, neener neener neener.

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So two youtube clips were recently brought to my attention by separate people, and I couldn’t help but notice that these clips have two very important salient characteristics in common:

1. They are both from movies starring Michael J. Fox.
2. They both feature creepy background actors weirdly highlighting their respective dicks.

The first is from Teen Wolf, a film which I have the fondest memories of from my childhood. Though, at the time, I was too young to know what a “keg” of beer was, so at the part where Michael J. Fox goes into the liquor store and tells the clerk “give me a keg of beer” and his eyes glow red, what I heard was “give me a cake of beer.” I remember thinking to myself, “wait, adults eat beer flavored cake? Gross!” But I digress…

Keep an eye on the upper left, just above MJF huggin his pops:

There’s shit on the internet referring to this as a “wardrobe malfunction,” though I’ve been wearing pants for most of my adult life, and as of yet my fly has not malfunctioned in a manner that would cause my frank n’ beans to pop out. Makes me wonder if maybe homie was up to some shenanigans and caught a lil off guard when the cameras started rolling.

Next we have a lil clip from Back to the Future III, in which Doc Brown has returned to 1985 one last time in his time-traveling steam engine to impart some final advice to Marty and Jennifer. Oh, and so his son can make a totally blatant pass at Elizabeth Shue.

I mean, the “come here” motion and then the sly point to Willie?? Check out the balls on this little fucker! Admirable, really – Shue in her prime was the fantasy of many a young man in those heady days of time traveling misfits and film editors completely asleep at the switch.

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I can’t believe I didn’t notice this until I saw it on Overexposed, but has anyone else out there realized that “California Gurls” by Katy Perry and “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha are the EXACT SAME FUCKING SONG??? Don’t believe me? Check it:

Shit’s not even funny, I feel like Dr. Luke may not be the ubergenius everyone is claiming. Hell, he may not even be a real doctor. Has anyone checked this motherfucker’s medical credentials?

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So basically, about 10 minutes ago I thought up the concept of offering a free t-shirt to anyone who carves a kid dangerous related jack-o-lantern for Halloween. Then I thought, why not make it a contest? So as of this moment it is an official contest, with all entrants receiving a free tee and the winner getting something even better that I have yet to decide because I’m thinking all this shit up on the fly. It’ll be good though, we’ll make Cheech give you a french motorboat or something.

And now, to instill the holiday spirit and help get the creative juices flowing, here are some pictures of awesome jack-o-lanterns.

And the ultimate I-have-way-too-much-time-on-my-hands showstopper…

To be fair, Predator is a really kick-ass movie. And who would have thought when it came out that not just one, but TWO of the guys in it (Arnold and Jesee “The Body” Ventura) would wind up being elected governors?? What would be even more awesome would be if we elected a Predator governor. I guarantee crime in that particular state would be at an all time low.

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So I know The Simpsons has been basically irrelevant for years and everyone claims they’ve moved on and don’t watch it anymore, but I’ll tellya, Groening and Co. can still drop a cool lil tidbit from time to time – Banksy did the opening credit sequence for this episode, and you gotta love it:

Really well executed in my opinion – you wonder how Banksy’s anti-corporate shtick is gonna jibe with the rampant commercial and merchandising juggernaut that is The Simpsons, and they put together this wonderful little bit of cheeky self deprecation. The tired, shackled unicorn being used to poke holes in Simpsons DVD’s is a very nice touch. Nice to see the show’s creators are still able to take the piss out of themselves from time to time.