Lady and the Tramp

First message of this movie: “Dogs nosing through a plate of spaghetti is adorable and in no way unsanitary.” Second message of this movie: “Rich girls should marry cocky asshole-ish ruffians from the wrong side of the tracks, because eventually, those assholes might settle down and start treating them right.” …It’s thinking like this — implanted in our brains via cartoons at an early age — that leads to disasters like Britney Spears getting married to Kevin Federline. Sort of. [1].

In real life, the Lady and the Tramp message seems a bit… sketchy. In real life, if you marry an asshole, he’s pretty much going to remain an asshole and not suddenly become mild-mannered and charming. Trust me on this one. However, I can’t really hate on this movie. It features dogs. Talking dogs. I like dogs and I like talking, and the combination of these two things — well, that’s pretty good also. Grade: A-minus

The Little Mermaid

…Which should win some kind of an award for “least accurate depiction of a fairy-tale, ever.” In the Disney version of this story, Ariel (the mermaid) gets the guy and they get married and everyone is happy, FOREVER. In the original Hans Christian Andersen version of the story, that’s not quite what happens.

In the real version of the story, the mermaid has her fins magically transformed into legs, but it feels like she’s stepping on broken shards of glass with every step that she takes. Then, even though she’s transformed herself into an approximation of a human being, the prince dumps her for an actual human chick. Then, upon being left at the altar, she jumps out of a boat, commits suicide, dies, and is magically transformed into… sea foam. (Keep in mind, by the way, that none of this makes any fucking sense whatsoever.)

So, if we’re paying attention at home, the actual original moral of The Little Mermaid is this:

Don’t ever take a risk, or fall in love, because you’ll get turned into SEA FOAM. …FUCKING SEA FOAM!

So there’s that. Not the most empowering or uplifting message, but we are all worried about being transformed into sea foam, so I guess the moral remains relevant, even to this day. …I suppose this would be a good time for me to complain about Disney movies and how the Walt Disney Corporation has turned an originally dark story into vaguely sentimental pap, but really, I’d rather watch a movie where the heroine isn’t HORRIBLY PUNISHED for trying to seek a different life. …Although the book version of the story does win points for not featuring a reggae-fied crab. So in conclusion, all in all, the whole kit-and-caboodle basically receives a grade of: C. Grade: That’s right, C

Cinderella

…If the lesson of The Little Mermaid is “Don’t try to do anything, ever,” then the lesson of Cinderella is this: “It’s better to be really really hot than ugly.” It’s hard to argue with that one, I guess. (The other lesson of Cinderella is “magical talking mice are helpful,” but you knew that already.)

This is yet another movie where Disney has taken some crazy liberties with the original version of the fairy tale. In the original version of Cinderella, the wicked stepsisters have their feet chopped off, their eyes pecked out by birds, and then are forced to wander the land as blind crippled beggars. Jesus! I think it’s about time to ask: what the fuck is wrong with the people who write fairy tales? Do they want to traumatize little children? Are they sadists? I mean, I’m not defending the wicked stepsisters here. They clearly kind of suck. …But still, blinding people and chopping their feet off: I’m against that. That’s a strong moral stand on my part, but it’s a stand that I’m willing to take. Grade: D-plus

Beauty and the Beast

The list of Disney heroines that I’d really like to have hot sex with goes something like this:

Look. I know that we’re talking about cartoon characters here; but let’s face it — Belle is hot. She’s French, she can sing, she likes to read books, and that’s really all that I need in a girl. Also, Belle says that she wants “adventure in the great wide somewhere.” That’s a little vaguely put, but I agree! I want to have adventures too! And like me, Belle thinks that “there must be something more than this provincial life.” So true! I mean, this can’t be all there is… can it?

Anyway, in my poorly thought-out sexual fantasies involving Belle, we meet somewhere in her village, I take her out for a moderately-priced French meal, and then we — I dunno — have sex in a haystack or something. And then we go home and talk about our favorite books. My sexual fantasies are very restrained like that. Grade: B-plus

Pinocchio

…I never really thought about this before writing this column, but why does Pinocchio care so much about being a puppet versus being a Real Live Boy? Being a magical talking puppet sounds pretty cool to me.

…And on a deeper level, does this mean that all wooden toys don’t want to be wooden toys? And on an even deeper level, does this mean that all inanimate objects hate being inanimate? You’d think they’d be content or something. …Do trees loathe their own tree-ishness? Do rocks really wish that they were something other than rocks? I kind of really wish that I still got stoned, because this would be a good pointless five-hour conversation/debate to have if you were stoned, but oh well. [3].Grade: C

FOOTNOTES

[1] In the interest of utter fairness, I should point out that I ripped off the “Lady and the Tramp is all about rich girls marrying assholes” theory from the film The Last Days of Disco. I’m all about giving credit where credit is due, and you’re welcome.

[2] I pray to God that at least a few other guys find the Disney princesses to be hot; otherwise, I’m going to really regret bringing this up.

[3] “Whoa. …How can a thing, like, hate like its own essence? That’s pretty deep, etc…”

Talking animals are always the best. I'll take Lion King over Sleeping Beauty any day.

http://typicalnut.blogspot.com Bema

Yiffer! Plushie!

Is that what they call that fetish?

Rachel Butters Scotch

My cousin has a weird sexual fascination with Ariel being the hottest Disney princess. Something about the shell-bra… So yeah, you're not alone in that whole thinking they're hot thing.

baracudaboy

You mean he wants to get at her clam?

Rachel Butters Scotch

And feel the waves of ecstasy wash over him.

http://fastfoodies.org Briana

i spent a solid fifteen minutes trying to think of something punny to say that is neither too obvious and trite (trite-on? like ariel's father? EH?).

i did not think of anything but i felt like my efforts merited a comment so you know i tried, at least.

douchegirl

LOLing so hard at “trite-on”.

I had the biggest crush on Scar. What? He has a sexy voice.

8z

i pick up sea foam and mourn

http://twitter.com/chichirula Clarissa Bermúdez.

What about the scene where Pinocchio turns into a donkey? That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

Oliver Miller

Well, yeah. That and the “Pink Elephant” part in “Dumbo” were both pretty traumatizing.

http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

I've heard a lot of girls say that they were sexually attracted to Simba from the Lion King, so I think being attracted to a hot animated French girl isn't shameful at all.

Oliver Miller

I also have a thing for the unicorn in “The Last Unicorn,” but only when she's in hot chick form. NO BESTIALITY.

Maggie

Woah bestiality. I don't know – as a lady, I always found Eric from Little Mermaid and Aladdin quite hot myself. And Shang from Mulan – oh yes.

valentine_kitchenson

Shang, Eric, Aladdin, goddam. Some fine lookin' drawings, there.

m bell

yeah, a bunch of girls are into simba which is….incredibly weird. prince eric was my major crush at the age of six. whatta seaman babe!

inflammatorywrit

Robin Hood is WAY hotter than Simba (or, more honestly, any man I've ever met).

http://twitter.com/welllahdeedah Bee

Seeing as Jonathan-Taylor Thomasdid the voice for Simba, I don't doubt that at all. I had a poster of him on my wall in the mid-90's. I would have hit it.

vintagelace

I know that the tone of this piece is supposed to be sarcastic, but I cannot help but feel that you entirely missed the point with these movies. Like you said, the real fairy tales were quite horrific, so Disney changed them for the audience, and there are still some really full on things in these movies, for instance Pinocchio when they are at the carnival, and the sperm whale scenes.

Also, in recent years Disney has explored themes previously rarely touched on, example: Loss (you cannot tell me you didn't at least shed a tear at the end of Toy Story 3, or felt some ache in your heart after the opening sequence of Up, and lets not forget how terrible *that scene* from Bambi makes all us 'Man' feel). I feel that out of all these films my area of expertise is The Little Mermaid. You analysis did not focus on the film or story, but on the Hans Christian Anderson version. The moral of the Disney version is “If you want something bad enough, do something about it! Take charge and don't sit waiting on a rock looking pretty expecting it to come to you.” This is an important lesson for girls, something different from the traditional princess stories where the princess is always rescued by her prince.

I rate your 'review' at C-minus.

Maggie

Fox and The Hound was very good with the whole “loss” thing actually. Bawled my eyes when the old lady left the Fox in the forest.

I don't know, my interpretation of The Little Mermaid was, “Change your entire being for the sake of a guy and you'll live happily ever after.” What.

vintagelace

Ooh, haven't watched Fox and The Hound in about 15 years, I should watch it again sometime soon.

Oliver Miller

“The Fox and the Hound” was the first Disney movie I saw as a kid, and I loved it, and yes, it's pretty damn depressing. I just couldn't think of anything funny to write about it, I guess.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UKXTNU7NK7ZXO4VNWQWCKZDTAU DanielleL

I disagree with you here. These Disney movies send very negative messages to girls. I do not think they depict young women taking charge of their lives.

Indeed, in The Little Mermaid and Cinderella, the young princesses are rescued by the handsome prince. In fact, Ariel has no voice! She cannot speak for herself! The prince falls in love with a woman for being silent and naive (recall all the scenes where she doesn't understand how to use human things). In Cinderella, the princess barely utters a word! The prince is mesmerized by her beauty and tiny feet! These movies perpetuate stereotypes across all genders and age groups. The middle aged women (stepmother and Ursula) are bitter and obsessed with their fading looks. The young men must be strong and brave!Anyway…little girls learn at a very young age to act female. These movies don't help. I like this article because it sheds a sarcastic light on some ridiculous movie plots. Plots that engender our children with sterotypes.

Also, its not the TONE of the article that is sarcastic… its the article.

fu

*it's

bappada boopy

YOUR REVIEWS ARE SHIT. SHIT I SAY. DISNEY FAN FOREEVVAAAAAAAAAAA <3

riles

I think you're forgetting Pocahontas. REVISE.

Oliver Miller

Someone likes “Pocahontas”?

riles

Duh! She taught me how to paint with all the colors of the wind, and instilled in me a great appreciation for willow trees. She ran barefoot through the woods… c'mon.

Teukros

This reads like bad stand-up.

girl

But for it to still be funny on paper, pixels, whatever– sounds good to me!Good for procrastinating.

Thanks Mr. Miller, for making time fly.

Guest

Of course we want to fuck the Disney princesses, Oliver.

obsolete

This whole thing–the article and the comments made me LOL

http://twitter.com/brownnnbear Jocelyn

1.) i feel like you subconsciously chose C for 'the little mermaid' because ariel had pretty nice boobs.2.) can we not forget pocatantas & mulan as being pretty hot princesses as well? & aladdin was definitely the hottest disney prince.

http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

Agreed. Girl boner for Aladdin.

Roberts Lecca

So I completely agree with you on the disney side of things.. But your hilariously cynical interpretation of the Hans version of the little mermaid is a little off…what I think he was saying is stay true to yourself in love… Or else you really aren't being loved at all hence the dumping. But the suicide into sea foam? Who knows what that shit means…

Very funny blog!!!

Oliver Miller

I left out a story about how I saw a Japanese cartoon version of “The Little Mermaid” which has the REAL ending, including the suicide, and the turning into foam bit. I saw it on TV when I was about six years old, and I was really unprepared for it. That's some heavy shit to drop on a kid without warning like that, and I think it fucked me up for years.

http://www.guidetomenhattan.com Rachel

Biggest complaint about Little Mermaid: WHY DIDNT ERIC TURN INTO A MERMAN!?!? All he had was that old uncle who was going to die anyway! And that dog, but they still could have kept in touch right? Ariel had that whole awesome underwater castle and her aquatic sidekicks! Girls always give up everything for a guy, ami right?

inflammatorywrit

I love the idea of Merman Eric and his shaggy dog being penpals.

sidebar

Uh trees are not inanimate objects- they are alive. Otherwise they wouldn't grow….'on a deeper level' none of that is deep- i hope you were being sarcastic

Oliver Miller

My working definition of “inanimate” is: “something that never moves, even if I stare at it for a really long time” …which pretty much includes trees.

http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

I have a 5-year-old daughter and am therefore seriously qualified (after hundreds of viewings featuring daughterly commentary and analysis) as an expert in: 1) Snow White 2)
Pinocchio 3) Mary Poppins 4) The Lion King (the only “modern” Disney flick that matters) 5) 101 Dalmatians 5) Jungle Book 6) Aristocats… and I feel compelled to be blunt: you know fuck-all about the Disney flick canon, Sir!

From the crypto-Hitlerian layers of Pinocchio (ie, where the futurist dream of European automata intersects with Aryan metaphysics and homoerotic angst) to the anthro-phallic battles of communist dwarfs against radically feminized capitalism in Snow White (I won’t even dig into the Bohemian free love and race-mixing of Aristocats or the recurrent “1910” motif that Disney kept ringing like a warning bell in the wild night of the turbulent 1960s )… and all delivered with Klimt-esque (via Maxfield Parish) beauty, crafted with a technical precision and cultured-if-sinister-right-wing inventiveness our crappy CGI animated-image-ghettos can’t even touch… and you give us *this*?

My daughter says “Bah!”, Sir! Bah and pfui!

http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

I have a 5-year-old daughter and am therefore seriously qualified (after hundreds of viewings featuring daughterly commentary and analysis) as an expert in: 1) Snow White 2)
Pinocchio 3) Mary Poppins 4) The Lion King (the only “modern” Disney flick that matters) 5) 101 Dalmatians 5) Jungle Book 6) Aristocats… and I feel compelled to be blunt: you know fuck-all about the Disney flick canon, Sir!

From the crypto-Hitlerian layers of Pinocchio (ie, where the futurist dream of European automata intersects with Aryan metaphysics and homoerotic angst) to the anthro-phallic battles of communist dwarfs against radically feminized capitalism in Snow White (I won’t even dig into the Bohemian free love and race-mixing of Aristocats or the recurrent “1910” motif that Disney kept ringing like a warning bell in the wild night of the turbulent 1960s )… and all delivered with Klimt-esque (via Maxfield Parish) beauty, crafted with a technical precision and cultured-if-sinister-right-wing inventiveness our crappy CGI animated-image-ghettos can’t even touch… and you give us *this*?