and her life in Nihon

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On the Delusions and the Dissolution of Fear

“I fear loss. I fear that the world is going to turn its back on me. I fear that the universe will realize how undeserving of a person I am to have walked this earth or breathed this air. I fear that the stars will just fall down on me.

“I fear that I will never truly allow myself to be happy. I fear that I will forever hold on to these ideals… and yet, I fear letting go of them, as well.

“I fear death. I fear dying a gruesome death — one where you will no longer recognize my face, my eyes, my hands. I fear losing the people that I love because of death. Death sometimes comes all too suddenly. And yet, it is just as painful to watch how slowly it takes away our very breath. No, death is never a satisfactory situation for anyone living, to those who are left behind.

“I fear myself. I fear for myself.

“I fear making another mistake. I fear making the mistake of not accepting facts. I fear making the mistake of putting too much stock on manufactured realities, of connecting dots where there aren’t any dots, of believing fragments of a life and not seeing its flesh-and-blood entirety.

“I fear not wanting to let go of my melancholy when I draw a spirit of inspiration from it. I fear not being able to rein in these raging, bursting, seething emotions. Ah, there’s too much! Too much!

“I fear not being able to love. I fear that I might demand love. I fear that I may equate love with validation, when love is so. much. more.”

Why do you fear?

“I do not know.”

Yes, everything is changing. Everything will change… just as the seasons change, just as your emotions and relationships have changed. And yes, the very things you did may very well happen to you. And yet, they’re not, are they? In fact, you have made very good decisions. And you have so many reasons to smile now. And yet you fear.

But if you find that the world becomes too much, come to Me. For I never change. Your perception of Me may have changed. But I do not. I still love you as much as I have loved you the very first moment I laid my eyes on you. And I will continue to love you until you truly see who I am.