The Beginning Of The End

Today I went to see my doctor and we set up a six week plan to wean me off my anti-depressants.

The Duloxetine has been a game-changer for me. After the disaster that was my last round of Citalopram, I was resigned to the feeling that I’d have to be medicated forever.

Then I started Duloxetine and, once my body started responding to it, everything changed. Never before on medication had I felt actually ‘better’, like a normal person with normal mood swings and emotions and feelings. Like I could react to things rationally, have a bad day and get through it, like I used to do ‘Before’.

Previously I had only ever felt ‘less terrible’. At best I felt utterly numb which wasn’t necessarily any better than the feelings of depression but did at least curb any suicidal/self-harming tendencies and made life bearable.

For the last few months I have felt like me.

There is nothing I want more than to keep feeling like me, but I would love it even more if I could do it without medication. So I am going to give it a go.

I will be slowly, slowly cutting down my dosage over six weeks and letting my brain and body adjust in its own time. If I need more time, I will work with the doctor and give myself that time.

It’s probably not going to be the most fun in the world but it is what I want and I know I’m not facing it alone.

I have my family and I have my friends, they have seen me through this far and I know they’ll see me through this as well.