Contents

Voodoo was accidentally invented by Dr Benjamin Spock, noted pediatrician from the planet Vulcan. In 1903, while attempting to teach the basic principles of acupuncture to a classroom of medical students at Wossamotta University, he stuck a needle into a Tickle Me Elmo doll by way of demonstration. Within seconds, twenty-six of the students screamed in agonising pain, eleven dropped dead from ruptured spleens, three giggled uncontrollably, and one experienced mild relief from acute acid indigestion.

Dr Spock spent the next sixteen years trying to refine his technique by using hundreds of captured Canadians and the entire line of Beanie Babies™ as his test subjects. He soon discovered that voodoo waves were not subject to the usual inverse square laws, but instead could be focused on tiny areas from thousands of miles away. The small handful of surviving Canadians were thanked for their valuable contributions to medical science, and then returned to the wild.

Voodoo has been proven useful for extorting the true medical histories of patients who tend to lie like rugs, especially about their sexual deviances, and embarrassing patterns of illegal drug abuse such as Elmer's glue sniffing and kitten huffing.

Utilising CAT scans, MRI imaging, government intelligence reports, and LSD-induced remote viewing, a skilled voodoo practitioner can remove a gall bladder or brain tumour with surprising speed and efficiency, without having to ever come in contact with, or even actually see, the patient. Recuperation rates are comparable to those that were subjected to the Spanish Inquisition.

Voodoo has been proven to be quite an effective mind control device. Chemicals in certain "zombifying" powders can cause one to exhibit zombie-like behavior. No serious tests have been run on these chemicals, because all the Scientists get a kick out of making men dance like monkeys while wearing women's clothing.