You are a terrible person for reading this nasty story about America's sweetheart. Ashlee Simpson has a new boyfriend. Ryan Dunn drank picklebacks before he died. Steve-O recalls doing blow with LiLo while she was in rehab. Wednesday gossip is a big mistake. Big. Huge.

Behold, the meanest Julia Roberts story ever written: "Julia and her half sister Nancy Motes are feuding again—this time over Nancy's weight! Nancy, 35, has blown up to more than 300 pounds and her movie star sister is 'disgusted' by her appearance, say sources." What a feat of cruelty! Mean to Julia, who sounds like a total monster, but even meaner to the most innocent person in the story Nancy Motes, whose physical appearance is "humiliating for her and the entire family." Julia got Nancy a job on the set of Glee, and doesn't Nancy know that unattractive siblings of beautiful people must wear paperbags over their heads and stay indoors at all times, hanging their heads in shame? [National Enquirer, image via Getty]

Jackass star Ryan Dunn's car crash passenger has been identified: Zachary Hartwell posed for a Twitter picture with Dunn hours before the crash, and is a Navy veteran who served three tours in Iraq and a newlywed. [HuffPost]

At the time of Dunn's crash but before he knew anything had happened, Bam Margera was driven by unknown forces to "rip out parts of a van" for "no apparent reason." [FoxPhilly]

Steve-O on doing blow with Lindsay Lohan while she was in rehab: "Lindsay was over at my house one time and she was in my bathroom probably selfishly not sharing drugs. But while she was in there, I pulled out my camera and I got this crazy footage. And some time passed and later I go in my bathroom and I find that she left her wallet, so I sent her this text and I said Lindsay, you left your wallet in my bathroom. This was when she was in rehab and she told me to bring it to her. So I meet her in the driveway of this Wonderland Rehab that she's in and I make her sign a release form of the footage that I have." [Popeater]

Us' cover story is about how Jennifer Aniston "stole" boyfriend Justin Theroux from his live-in girlfriend of 14 years. "It sucks when your ex dates the most famous woman in the world so soon after a breakup." Crap, Angelina stole another man? [Us]

Speaking of which, "Brad takes Angelina to the same spot he romanced Jen Aniston in 2003." That's sort of inevitable, isn't it? For the Brad-Angie-Jen triangle, the place is "de Mondion restaurant at the Xara Palace hotel in Malta's walled, medieval city of Mdina." For the rest of us, it's the Fuddrucker's near our parent's house. [Us]

"Pippa apparently calls the Prince [Harry] ‘Captain'—which is his military rank—while he calls her ‘Commando,' in reference to rumors that she was not wearing any underwear on her sister's wedding day." [Daily Mail]

Ashlee Simpson publicly kissed and hugged new boyfriend Vincent Piazza, the actor from Boardwalk Empire with a bulbous forehead and droopy eyes, but who is not Steve Buscemi. He's actually pretty cute. [People]

Today's Irish Sun has a compelling cover story about a peacock who stole Kanye West's sunglasses and for his stand-up routine about Bono's penis. (Here's the real story.) Do you think the "mysterious wails" are from the 'cock, or just Ireland in general? [Sun via @CiaranByrne]