Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Two stories that made headlines here at SGM provided the top two quotes of 2007, according to the editor of the Yale Book of Quotations."Don't tase me, bro," the Arthur-esque battle cry of University of Florida student Andrew Meyer topped the list, followed by the incoherent, ill-educated ranting of Miss Teen USA contestant and future stripper Lauren Upton. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to [locate the U.S. on a map] because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us," Upton shat from her mouth before burping up the semen of several pageant officials, football players, and unidentified hobos.

Third was Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's statement from an October speech at Columbia University, "in Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country," which was either a lie or he left out the part about how all the Iranian homosexuals were stoned to death. Decrepit radio lack-of-personality Don Imus' came in fourth with his "nappy headed hoes" comment about the Rutgers University women's basketball team; the comment forced Imus to leave CBS Radio and take a short vacation before returning to the airwaves on ABC Radio. Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez came in fifth with "I do not recall," a phrase he uttered repeatedly during a Congressional investigation into exactly how badly the Department of Justice fucked seven United States Attorneys fired in an incident that should be considered as infamous as President Richard Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre. Fortunately for the Bush Administration, America does not recall.

The rest of the list:

6. "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11." - Senator Jospeh Biden (D-DE) gets a snappy shot at Rudy Guiliani's jingoism and fearmongering on the presidential campaign trail.

7. "I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody (Vice President Dick Cheney) who has a 9 percent approval rating." — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), a very charitable man who spotted Cheney 8 percentage points in order to avoid totally embarrassing the soulless bastard.

8. "(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom." — Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) didn't mention the raging urge for hot gay man-on-man sex he has when going to the bathroom. And the park. Anywhere he goes at all, really.

9. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." — Sen. Biden makes the list again with a comment far more racist than that of Don Imus' fourth-place comment. There may be a context that I'm missing here, but from what I can see the only different between this and "nigger" is the number of letters involved.

10. "I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." — And finally, former President Jimmy Carter says what everyone else is thinking in an interview in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette newspaper. To clarify, if that isn't what comes to mind when you think of the Bush Administration, you're doing it wrong.

"These new media are spreading these things," said editor Fred R. Shapiro, 53, associate librarian and lecturer in legal research at the Yale Law School. "I'm not listing the most admirable quotes, the most eloquent quotes. It's the most memorable quotes...It's not Shakespeare, but there is a kind of folk eloquence in that. It wouldn't be a quote if he didn't say 'bro,'" Shapiro said. "That had just the right rhythm to make it memorable...My book does mix the most eloquent and magnificent quotes with the sordid and sleazy materials from recent times. There are some real jarring juxtapositions there," he said. "I wanted to include the whole culture — the high and the low, the old and the new."

It doesn't matter how many people repeat this garbage, it's still garbage, most of it shouldn't have been written down in the first place, and the best thing we could do for future generations is forget anyone said it. Thanks, Yale!

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The Universal Scientific Truths

1) There are two kinds of people in this world: those that suck dick and those that don't. 2) Stupid people don't know they're stupid. 3) Play to get paid. 4) Somedays you get the elevator, somedays you get the shaft. 5) Never say more'n you have to. 6) Never ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer. 7) Books are fucking heavy. 8) The board is dead. 9) Titties uber alles! 10) Correlation does not imply causation. 11) The world is not enough. 12) Hook the leg.