Republican presidential candidates

Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on. According to Pew Research, among others, there is great hatred towards Americans by large segments of the Muslim population. Most recently, a poll from the Center for Security Policy released data showing “25% of those polled agreed that violence against Americans here in the United States is justified as a part of the global jihad” and 51% of those polled, “agreed that Muslims in America should have the choice of being governed according to Shariah.” Shariah authorizes such atrocities as murder against non-believers who won’t convert, beheadings and more unthinkable acts that pose great harm to Americans, especially women.

Mr. Trump stated, “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension. Where this hatred comes from and why we will have to determine. Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in Jihad, and have no sense of reason or respect for human life. If I win the election for President, we are going to Make America Great Again.” – Donald J. Trump

I laughed at the idea of Donald Trump running for president. It was funny. Such a wacky joke!

Joke’s over.

I laughed and so did you. Why wouldn’t we? Donald J.Trump? The Celebrity Apprentice guy? The blowhard who imports his wives from other countries even while he says he wants to build a wall to keep Mexicans out? The WWE guest wrestler? The guy who ran the USFL out of business and declared bankruptcy

The guy who wants to ban all Muslims–including native-born American Muslims–from entering the country or reentering it should they leave it for any reason.

That guy. The G.O.P. frontrunner, same as he has been for nearly half of 2015.

This is the man who wants to lead your party, Republicans. The Party of Lincoln and Reagan. If you don’t stand against Donald Trump, you stand with Donald Trump.

I understand there are people in America who are at flirting with the notion of supporting Trump, even if they aren’t inclined to say so out loud. I’m inclined to say they are supporting Trump’s bigotry, racism, intolerance, sexism, misogyny, lies, deceptions, fabrications, slanders, lack of patriotism and neo-Fascist tendencies.

All due respect to these people and I’m sure some of them very nice people, but supporting Donald Trump is not a nice thing to do. I’ve yet to hear anyone proclaim support for Trump for reasons that didn’t make me want to hurl.

I’d wager there are Latino Americans and gay Americans and Jewish Americans and female Americans and Black Americans and Muslim Americans and an international community who are very concerned and distressed over what Trump is saying and how well he’s doing. As a writer I owe it to the reader and be precise in my language. Donald Trump is the dark underbelly of everything that is bad, unsavory and toxic in American politics.

I mean, I know why Trump says this off-the-wall stuff. Hell, it could practically be a TV show: Shit Donald Trump Says. He fell behind Terrible Ted Cruz in Iowa and he’s throwing out the reddest chunk of bloody red meat to the base to pimp up his polling numbers. And polls are the only thing Trump cares about. He says what nobody else would dare to say and his poll numbers go up.

Rachel Maddow showed Trump supporters being asked what they thought of his idea to essentially make Muslims illegal in the U.S. and they were all cool with it. Not one person said, “This is not who we are as Americans.” Not one person said, “What ISIS wants most is the West to go to war with 8 billion Muslims and this is how it is done.”

I find those people more detestable and deplorable than Trump because they keep him afloat. They make me ill. Actually physically sick.

There has always been a strong strain of nativism in America and Trump’s rise is based exclusively on fear, suspicion and hatred of The Others. Those people with their strange names and customs and beliefs and dress and religion. They aren’t like us and we can’t trust them. We have to register them, watch them, follow them, close down their mosques, ban them from country, cast them out, hunt them down and kill them.

Hatred of the Other is Donald Trump’s idea of how you make America great again. Mussolini would be proud.

We are crossing the Rubicon in our political discourse when in our fear we begin to cannibalize each other for no reason other than we are different. Normally, I deeply distrust slippery slope arguments, but in the case of Donald Trump and what he says he will do if elected President I will make an exception. We sit by idly because as long as it’s Muslims and Mexicans Trump is trashing we can shrug and say, “He’s not talking about me,” but it really does feel like this is a Martin Niemoller moment.

I can’t tell if Trump is the embodiment of the maniacal Greg Stillson of Stephen King’s The Dead Zone or the most elaborate executor of performance art I’ve seen since Andy Kaufman in his prime.

It’s not a risk worth taking to find out. Donald Trump is a dangerous fascist and he is our American Mussolini.

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It’s a little late, but not too late to talk about Carly Fiorina, the clear winner of the second Republican presidential debate due in no small part to a big assist from CNN.

Still, she was clearly better than a woozy Jeb Bush and a bored Donald Trump. She should start measuring drapes in the Oval Office, right? Let’s pump the brakes. Fiorina did well in the last debate and but she did so because CNN changed their own rules to include her. She did well because Donald Trump screwed when he hit Fiorina’s on her looks thus making her the latest target of his uncontrollable sexism. She did well because Gentle Ben Carson sleepwalked through the debate and his flaccid performance dropped him from second place to third though he has since recovered in the ever-changing polls.

Fiorina is a conservative Republican woman who does not differ in any substantive way from the conservative Republican men she’s running against. She has claimed the status as the Anti-Hillary non-politician, but Fiorina is only an outsider because she failed miserably when she ran for the U.S. Senate against Democratic incumbent Barbara Boxer.

Fiorina’s rise is like that of Carson, Trump and Bernie Sanders. The public is looking around for something newer and shinier than the Establishment options of choosing from Column A of Jeb Bush and choosing from Column B of Hillary Clinton. Or have we forgotten four years ago when Herman Cain was a thing? Then as now, pretty much anyone who hasn’t been a politician but wants to be the top politician in America can be a top contender in the G.O.P. presidential race.

Fiorina’s dismal record as a business “leader” obscures her wearisome anti-woman agenda on reproductive rights, the untruthful attack on Planned Parenthood, opposition to wage equity, and raising the minimum wage is indicative of yet another rich and selfish plutocrat attempting to feed her enormous ego.

Most presidents don’t layoff 30,000 workers, drops the stock price in the shitter, gets fired from their job and are such a hot property nobody even wants you to run their company, then falls upward cashing out with over $40 million to go on and fail miserably in their earlier bid for elected office.

Then of course, there’s the notorious Planned Parenthood sting video which scandalized Fiorina so, but apparently no one else has seen except Fiorina. The resulting disingenuous waving away of Fiorina’s purposeful and repeated lying by the Carly Cheerleaders on the right doesn’t square with their sanctimonious denunciation of Planned Parenthood.

Fiorina has been caught as a liar-liar-pants on fire on the Left by The Nation, on the Right by Fox News and everywhere else in between. This freaking video she is speaking of does not fucking exist except in the mendacious mind of Carly Fiorina. Apparently, the Anti-Hillary’s lying-ass ways don’t deviate all that much from Hillary Clinton’s, but to the Carly Cheerleaders mendacity only matters when it’s by the other team.

Fiorina lied and caught telling a lie, she continues to lie even more. That’s a tap dance around the truth Richard Nixon would be proud of. It says a lot about the character of a presidential candidate when they can go on live television and tell a huge, stinking and proven lie her supporters defend weakly as simply not being “technically accurate to the highest degree,” as one Carly Cheerleader told me.

That’s a tap dance around the truth Bill Clinton would be proud of.

Fiorina’s frozen face turned to the camera, stared the American people in the eye and lied to their face when she said “Watch a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart beating, its legs kicking while someone says, ‘We have to keep it alive to harvest its brain.’ ”

Fiorina can bash the media, blame the Left and pro-choicers, play the victim and say black is white and up is down. Telling a lie and then repeating it once it’s been proven to be a lie will never make it the truth.

If Fiorina’s brief bounce to second place in the Republican presidential polls was based on the one-two punch of jabbing Donald Trump and punching out Planned Parenthood, why isn’t she sharing these videos to vault into first place?

Fiorina is either badly mistaken in what she thought she saw in the Planned Parenthood sting videos or she’s deliberately lying about it. I opt for the second explanation.

Mostly though, I’ve had it up to here with vain egotists like Fiorina and Trump whose spectacular successes are matched and often exceeded by their equally spectacular failures and arrogantly believing this makes them presidential timber.

A decade ago the word was already out on what a dud Fiorina was. She solidified her status as one of the worst CEO’s in America long before her delusional fantasy she could fail up to become America’s next president.

Firing 30,000 people is not a sign of success. Making an unwise acquisition over the objections of the board which ends up decreasing the value of the company’s stock is not a sign of success. Being fired by that same board and never hired again as a CEO is not a sign of success.

Yet Fiorina has nimbly turned what should disqualify her from ever holding elected office into the raison d’être of her candidacy. Her ability to make lemonade without lemons is admirable, but after the way she flamed out before she cashed out in the business sector it’s clear Fiorina has no business in the public sector.

She failed as a CEO, failed as a candidate for the Senate and she will fail again.

I’d also suggest Fiorina back up off the Botox before her face permanently freezes in place.

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Marco Rubio: (energetic and laid down some pretty good smackdowns on The Donald. Now what will he do with the spotlight?)Carly Fiorina: (even better smackdowns of The Donald, but she’s running for a Cabinet position or another Senate bid)Rand Paul: (probably too late to help much, but he joined in on The Donald Dogpile with enthusiasm. Lindsay Graham and Piyush Jindal give you two thumbs up!)

I’M A LOSER, BABY SO WHY DON’T YOU KILL ME?

Ben Carson: (Hey! Doc! You’re right next to the front runner and you’re in second place in Iowa. Kick his ass! You think if she were in your place Carly wouldn’t? )Jeb Bush: (Because he stayed awake better than the first debate, but he couldn’t have been much worse).

MEH.

John Kasich: (if you want to move up in the podium positioning Johnny-Boy, you gotta say something worth remembering besides you wouldn’t defund Planned Parenthood)Donald Trump: (Ever see a team get a big lead on an over-matched opponent and keep running up the score? That was Trump. Punching on Paul’s poll numbers and looks is dumb).

Ted Cruz: (So you were happy when George Bush selected John Roberts for the Supreme Court but now you’re mad he did? First rule of politics, Ted: Never apologize and never explain Look how well that’s been working for The Donald, the shark to your pilot fish).Mike Huckabee: (Is there a church somewhere with a need to hire a Bible-thumping, fire n’ brimstone preacher because this guy knows nothing about the U.S. Constitution).

WON SIMPLY BY NOT BEING THERE

Ronald Reagan: Because he’s dead and didn’t have to watch these losers stumbling around on stage claiming to be St. Ronnie’s secret love child.

Say, why are we on our second Repubs debate before the Dems even have their first? Isn’t it about time Hillary and Bernie and Marty all got together to spread the boredom around? Since they both come from states without pro football teams, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb have nothing better to do this weekend. Uncle Joe might even show up. He’s always fun!

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What happens when a man finally figures out he’s got nothing to lose by speaking his mind. If you’re Rick Perry you reach into your pants first to see if you’ve still got a pair. Then you quit. But not before you give that damn yankee Donald Trump a Texas-sized piece of your mind!

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry suddenly announced he was suspending his presidential campaign Friday.

As he did so, he made it abundantly clear that he’s still not a fan of real-estate mogul Donald Trump, the Republican front-runner in the race with whom he has often feuded.

Speaking at an event in St. Louis, Missouri, Perry repeatedly jabbed at Trump’s campaign-trail controversies without using his name.

“Demeaning people of Hispanic heritage is not just ignorant, it betrays the example of Christ,” Perry said, according to his prepared remarks. “We can enforce our laws and our borders, and we can love all who live within our borders, without betraying our values.”

This was a reference to Trump’s heated rhetoric against illegal immigration, which spurred a nationwide controversy when the developer launched his campaign in June. Perry previously likened Trump’s immigration activism to the US’s 19th-century “Know Nothing” movement, which shunned Catholic immigrants from Ireland and Germany.

“It is time to elevate our debate from divisive name-calling, from soundbites without solutions, and start discussing how we will make the country better for all if a conservative is elected president,” Perry said Friday.

Perry also bashed “celebrity” presidential candidates during his exit speech.

“For me, the message has always been greater than the man,” he said in his prepared remarks. “The conservative movement has always been about principles, not personalities. Our nominee should embody those principles. He — or she — must make the case for the cause of conservatism more than the cause of their own celebrity.”

Absolutely right, Rick. You won’t be the one making the case though.

For the moment, Perry jumping from the klown kar has zero impact on the race though his super PAC does have $17 million socked away, so Slick Rick could still sit back, chill, and see who the Last Man Standing (sorry, Carly!) and see where he wants to start scratching checks for. Or against if it comes to that.

Unless your name is John Kasich, it hasn’t been a real great time for current or former Republican governors. Jeb “the Smart One” Bush has been pushed back into the pack by Captain Combover, Gentle Ben Carson, and Carly “I Hate Hillary” Fiorina. That leaves Mike “I Used To Be Fat” Huckabee, who tries to stand out in a field of morons by being the most moronic.

Would someone please adjust Moronic Mike’s sun dial 147 years forward? Meanwhile Little Scotty Walker hasn’t impressed anyone in Iowa as he’s gone from leading the field in July at 18% to just another bottom feeder now at three percent. Which still allows him to tell Chris (the 1 Percenter) Christie to “eat it, chubs!” But cheer up, Chris! Your fave team, the Dallas Cowpies are on Sunday Night Football and looking forward to again showing exactly how their limp dick cornerbacks made Odell Beckham, Jr. a Madden cover boy.

Which leaves one more Republican governor (no, not you George Pataki and Jim Gilmore. Nobody knows you even exist), but I’m blanking on the name. Robert sombody or Bob someone or Robbie someone…no, that’s not it….Piyush! Piyush “What About Bobby?” Jindal! Shit, I forgot all about that simp! So has everybody else.

The Donald Trump Act is great, and the idea of Donald Trump is great — BUT the reality of Donald Trump is absurd, he’s a non-serious carnival act.

Donald Trump is shallow. Has no understanding of policy. He’s full of bluster but has no substance. He lacks the intellectual curiosity to even learn.

It’s silly to argue policy with this guy, he’s doesn’t know anything about it, he has no idea what he is talking about, he makes it all up on the fly. According to him his health care plan will be “fabulous” and his tax plan will be “really, really terrific.” He’s shallow, no substance.

Donald Trump is for Donald Trump. He believes in nothing other than himself. He’s not a liberal, he’s not a moderate, and he’s not a conservative. He’s not a Republican, Democrat, or Independent. He’s not for anything or against anything. Issues and policies and ideals are not important to him. He’s for Donald.

Donald Trump is a narcissist and an egomaniac. That may sound like a serious charge to make, but it is also something that everyone knows to be true, and he knows it too, and he celebrates it. He told us the other day that he’s likes Kanye West, why? “Because Kanye loves Trump.” He may be an entertaining narcissist, but he is one nonetheless.

Like all narcissists, Donald Trump is insecure and weak, and afraid of being exposed. And that’s why he is constantly telling us how big and how rich and how great he is, and how insignificant everyone else is. We’ve all met people like Trump, and we know that only a very weak and small person needs to constantly tell us how strong and powerful he is. Donald Trump believes that he is the answer to every question.

Donald Trump is not a serious person. It’s all a solo act, it’s all just a show, and the joke is on us. He’s laughing all the way to the bank, or to the polling location. P.T. Barnum was never more right.

You may have recently seen that after Trump said the Bible is his favorite book, he couldn’t name a single Bible verse or passage that meant something to him. And we all know why, because it’s all just a show, and he hasn’t ever read the Bible. But you know why he hasn’t read the Bible? Because he’s not in it.

Well, hell, Piyush. Don’t be shy. Tell us what you really think. You mad, bro ’cause Donnie dissed Carly Fiorina’s looks? You gonna defend her honor? Give ’em hell, Piyush!
“I think it’s pretty outrageous for him to be attacking anybody’s appearance when he looks like he’s got a squirrel sitting on his head. I think he should stop attacking other people’s appearances.”

BOOM! Head Shot! Not that Piyush’s intended target totally ignored the incoming salvo. In his own inimitable style, the front runner returned fire without naming names

Even on the 14th commemoration of the worst day in America’s history, Trump makes it all about him. Stay classy, Donald.

Yeah, it’s amazing how hardcore these Republicans get when they’ve got to push Donny’s fat ass off of them and the only reason they get any attention paid is they have to tear Trump down to make themselves look big. When you’ve been running for president for months and all you’ve got to show for it is a seat at the kid’s table for the debates, you get desperate.

No juice makes losers brave.

“Sieg heil, y’all!”

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The greatest thing about America is how it allows absolutely terrible people to run for president. With Terrible Ted Cruz announcing he wants to be the Most Powerful Man in the Free World, the GOP Clown Car finally has a driver with more morons soon to follow.

Ted Cruz is a natural for the presidency. A natural asshole. Being the most unliked dick in Washington is not a positive character trait.

Where’s this “deep bench” of candidates the Republicans keep bragging about? Looks more like a bunch of bench-warmers. A lot of guys want to run for president, but who’s the one who can actually beat Hillary Clinton? What difference does the choice of a lot of boring-ass White guys (and a Black guy who thinks like a boring-ass White guy) matter if the choices are all bad ones?

Having more bad choices than the Democrats have is nothing for Republicans to brag about. If Jeb Bush can’t outrun zombies like Cruz, Carson, and Huckabee to the party nomination, he’s got no business getting anywhere near Hillary. She’ll eviscerate him.

I don’t think much of RNC Chairman Reince Preibus, but I don’t think he’s stupid just because his name is. Preibus knows he has to allow the illusion the nomination process is fair and open to all, but he’s not about to let the party sink like a stone with Captain Cruz guiding the GOP ship into an iceberg. The party bosses want the White House back and they know it takes a Bush or a Scott Walker or somebody else who isn’t frothing at the mouth to get it for them.

Hey, Canada is closer than Hawaii, right?

Cruz will not be the next President of the United States. His path to winning is rally all the far-right (and White) conservatives to his side and the rest of the Republicans will fall in line to beat down Hillary. ALL the conservatives will never side with ANY Republican candidate. Not even and especially not St. Ronald the Reagan who would be denounced by cretins like Cruz as a squishy RINO due to his willingness to work with Democrats.

Ted Cruz is unelectable.

Appealing exclusively to your base is not a broad-based strategy to win the presidency. Cruz is a seeker of confrontation, not compromise and while that plays well with the faithful, it’s a huge turn-off to everyone else.

Running to the far Right of American political thought is not a strategy destined to succeed. It’s only red meat to the fringes and is not a path to 270 electoral votes and without a winning strategy Cruz is simply another vanity candidate running for the ego stroke and the cheap publicity.

Let’s look forward to his appearance at the Republican debates where the other candidates will stand there rolling their eyes and clenching their fists as Cruz sneeringly dismisses the lot of them as fake-ass conservatives. It’ll be fun to watch a Rick Perry or Mike Huckabee playing rock-paper-scissors for the right to kick Cruz’s ass.

A polarizing prima donna like Cruz whose only ideology is “If Obama’s for it, I’m against it” lacks a coherent strategy to bring together all the multiple factions of the GOP together. There are other more electable and less egotistical alternatives to Cruz, the Miley Cyrus of politics.

Cruz says the U.S. Senate needs 100 members just like the racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted asshole Jesse Helms, and that’s not hyperbole, that’s an easily established fact.

The last thing American politics needs are any more Jesse Helms and the same goes for the American presidency. Especially, not the Canadian-born idiot son of a Cuban immigrant.

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If you play fantasy football, you have to be cautious of what I call “The Shiny Toy Theory.” Show a baby a shiny toy and they become hypnotized by the sight of it. In fantasy football, there are players that get hot for a week or two and put up impressive numbers. Everyone wants to pick them up because they are pretty and shiny.

Most of these players aren’t built to last. They are teasers, not pleasers. Showers, not growers.

Enter Chris Christie. This week’s Designated Savior of the Republican Party and one of the media’s favorite shiny toy.

The Republican bench of potential candidates for 2016 is long, eager and many are rabid red-meat right-wingers whom refuse to compromise, negotiate or acknowledge political realities. This plays well with the base of the party. It scares the hell out of the general electorate in a presidential election.

Christie is one of those guys who went from obscurity to popularity and never stopped at humility. He should enjoy his time riding high in the news cycle. It won’t last because it never does. Another shinier and prettier toy will come along and the media and the public will trot along behind it like puppies.

In politics destiny is occasionally confused with inevitably. New Jersey has been the nexus of this phenomenon of late when two separate, but important events occurred. Cory Booker went from the ambitious and nationally popular mayor of Newark to the first African-American to win a Senate seat in a state election since another ambitious African-American named Barack Obama did the same in 2006. We all know where his ambitions took him and have no doubt Booker will eventually try to follow Obama’s career arc.

“Cory, just because I made you ride in the back of my helicopter is no reason to get mad.”

But that’s further in the future. Here and now the other notable event was the Garden State’s incumbent governor, Chris Christie, easily won reelection in a race he was supposed to win in a Democratic state that admires his rough-around-the-edges Republicanism. What made the victory notable to the self-styled seers and wise men sifting the tea leaves for the 2016 presidential race is how the governor cobbled together enough votes from traditionally Democratic supporters for a fawning national media to dub Christie the man to rescue a party that seems to have forgotten how to win national elections.

It’s too early to tell, but he appears to have the makings of such a politician. It isn’t just that his four-year record of incumbency netted him a reelection margin of 60.4 percent compared to just 38.1 percent for his Democratic opponent, although that suggests that he is capable of generating considerable political force. More significant is his performance among particular voter categories. Women gave him a 15 percentage-point advantage over his female rival. People who identified themselves as moderates gave him a 21-point advantage. Independent voters turned to him by a 31-point margin. Even 30 percent of self-described liberals backed him. Meanwhile, he took half of the Hispanic vote and more than 20 percent of the African-American vote.

If Christie could be elected by the slobbering mainstream media, he’d be the next POTUS. Unfortunately for him, he’s gonna have to go stand in some Iowa cornfield in about two years and try to explain to some skeptical farmer chewing tobacco and spitting it out why he should support him over a true believer like Ted Cruz or Rand Paul.

Without a doubt it was a big win for the big man, but Chrstie’s triumph looks even more impressive in comparison to Tea Party poster boy and right-wing radical Ken Cuccinelli’s humbling defeat in Virginia to Terry McAuliffe, a Bill Clinton insider.

Christie’s appeal lies in when compared to the right-wing extremism of Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and the “oh no, not another one” stink all over Jeb Bush, he benefits by being the least terrible choice. For the GOP insiders, while they may grumble over Christie literally embracing President Obama, they can’t deny his popularity and the possibility his gruff, take-no-stuff persona may play well nationally.

What won’t play well is Christie’s imperious and often rude attacks on teachers, labor unions, journalists and other Republicans who cross him. The GOP base won’t care about dissing those first three groups, but if Christie hopes to win the nomination he can’t treat the rest of the Republican field like bleeping idiots even if they are bleeping idiots.

I’m trying to imagine Christie in a debate with Paul, Cruz, Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan and whomever shows up all slicing and dicing into him and getting redder and madder as he struggles to hold his volcanic anger in check. I don’t think he can for an entire campaign without at least one major eruption of Mt. Chris Christie.

Americans like tough guys, but they don’t like mean guys and Christie can be very mean. That’s a liability and he’ll have to learn how to temper his noted temper.

Christie is not a secret liberal fantasy. He’s a solidly mainstream Republican who has some moderate positions because he’s a governor in a pretty blue/Democratic state. That will serve Christie well in a general election, but can he even get out of the Republican primaries when everyone from Cruz to Paul to Marco Rubio and the rest are going to be aiming for that target on his double-wide butt?

It’s not a lock Christie even gets the nomination despite the fact many of the traditional Republicans will hold their nose and support him despite not being ideologically “pure.”

Christie would be a moderate but only more moderate in comparison than Cruz, Paul or Rubio (but not that much more). Christie’s lap-band surgery isn’t about slimming down but to take off the table the lingering question of whether Americans wants an obese president, but until the pounds melt away, Christie will still offer plenty of room for his admirers and critics to ride his butt all the way to 2016.

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Romney would like to focus on Obama, but he has to shake Santorum before he can.

Stupor Tuesday came and went. It was a beautiful spring-like day in early March and unseasonably warm like this whole winter have been. I thought, “What better way to enjoy the day than to go to the polls, declare myself a Republican and screw up Mitt Romney’s life more than it already is by voting for Rick “Foamy” Santorum.

If I could have I would have. Actually, I could have, but then I wouldn’t have been able to vote for any of the Democratic candidates running for state and local offices. I decided to keep my monkey wrench in my pocket and leave it to the real Republicans to decide between Dumb and Dumber.

Mittens beat out Foamy to win Stupor Tuesday’s biggest prize, but it wasn’t by much and crossover voters didn’t tip the results Foamy’s way. In Ohio, you have to declare your party affiliation before you cast your ballot, so only the Dems who fibbed and played Republican-For-A-Day were able to make Mitt’s night miserable.

I’m not surprised Mittens won. He outspent Foamy 4-to-1 in Ohio, but only could squeak out a 1 point “victory.” Not much to brag about when you consider your opponent lost his Senate seat in 2006 by 18 points. Of course, in the grand scheme of things they don’t ask how much you won by just that you won, but Mittens still ain’t feeling the conservative base love.

As far as this supposed fired-up Republican base chomping at the bit to turn out President Obama it wasn’t in evidence here. My daughter worked the polls as part of her “Youth at the Booth” volunteer program and was at her station from 5:30 am to 8:30 pm to help voters.

Less than 200 bothered to show up. Where’s all that Republican rage to beat Obama I keep hearing about?

What does Mittens’ incredible, overwhelming, devastating “win” in O-H-I-O mean? Some victories are less than meets the eye and this one qualifies.

Before the Michigan primary last week, Romney said he wasn’t willing to light his hair on fire to win the election. But in looking at Tuesday’s exit polls, he must at least be ready to pull his hair out. Fifty-four percent of voters said the economy was the most important issue in determining their vote, and they voted for Romney by 41 percent to Santorum’s 33 percent. Forty-two percent of voters in Ohio said they wanted a candidate who could beat Barack Obama. That was the top quality they sought in a candidate. Romney won in that group 52 percent to 27 percent. Voters also said they preferred a candidate with business experience over government experience by 64 percent to 27 percent.

All of that would suggest a big Romney win, right? Nope. Voters want something else, too. In Ohio, the other half of the electorate cared about who was the true conservative, and Santorum crushed Romney 51 percent to 13 percent on that score. The 21 percent who cared about moral character likewise went for Santorum by 40 points over Romney, 60 percent to 19 percent. Ohio voters also felt like Santorum shares their concerns more than Romney, a big problem for Romney in a key bellwether state. The state has picked the president since 1964. The Republican candidate will have to beat Obama on that important economic question. That Romney can’t convince members of his own party—particularly blue-collar voters he’ll need in the general election—is not a good sign.

Mittens: "Oh Rick, you're so firm and strong and tough. Gimme a hug." Foamy: "Better back off me, Rich Boy. I don't play that."

Santorum is going to start feeling the pressure from Republicans who say he should hang it up to keep from damaging Romney too much. The math is inevitable, so all he’ll do is weaken Romney in his ultimate contest against Obama. Romney is already suffering from the bruising primary battle. In the latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, Romney’s unfavorable rating has grown to 39 percent. His favorable rating is only 28 percent. The longer the battle drags on, the less time Romney will have to raise money and repair the damage done by the primaries.

The Romney campaign never wanted to be seen arguing that Romney was inevitable. Now they’re doing just that. It’s a version of the argument that the Obama campaign made in 2008 when it tried to get Hillary Clinton to turn around her campaign bus. The key difference is that Barack Obama was filling stadiums of rabid supporters at the time. Mitt Romney is not burdened with this problem.

Meanwhile…what about the ever so loveable Dr. No (a.k.a. The Artist Formerly Known As Ron Paul). How did he fare on Stupor Tuesday?

Same as Paul always does. He lost. Repeatedly and everywhere.

Paul was hoping Alaska might give him his first win in the primaries. Alaskans gave him 24 percent of their votes. Good enough for third place behind Mittens and Foamy.

At least Paul’s Alaska showing and the 40 percent he raked off in Virgina where he and Mittens were the only two boobs on the ballot, he can turn to the Newster at the next debate and sneer, “in yo’ face, sucka!” As if they both aren’t as ugly as their personalities. Bragging rights ain’t much, but that’s about all Paul’s got left. He did have some nice lawn signs though. I look for those sort of things and I didn’t spot a single one for Mittens, Foamy or the Newster. Not a one.

Never confuse enthusiasm and volume with actual numbers and genuine commitment. The Paulinistas make a big noise, but they aren’t a big deal.

What exactly was settled by Stupor Tuesday? A few things we already knew. Mittens has the money, the organization, no firm beliefs and he can’t close the sale with the conservative base with the “only one who can beat Barack Obama” pitch.. Foamy has firm beliefs but they’re all crazy ones. Gingrich’s Angry Fat White Man has played out but he still says he’s the one who can go toe-to-toe and beat Obama in a debate, but the presidency isn’t the price award to Best Debater.

Poor old Ron is a bad joke worn thin to everyone except the fanatical few (and getting fewer every day). Paul was only running for president because he wasn’t running for another term in the House, and really, it’s not as if he has anything better to do with his time.

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Even the most hardcore political junkie needs to detox every so often. Especially when the Republicans are determined to drive the collective intelligence of the American people down ten to twenty points. When Rick “Foamy” Santorum sneers at President Obama as a “snob” for encouraging attending a college and bettering the chances of snagging a good paying job, we have definitely hit bottom.

As dumb as the Republican presidential candidates have been and all the dumb things they have said, Foamy just totally abuses the limits of how extreme a candidate can be. Santorum denounces the divide between church and state, going so far as to declare when President Kennedy declared his Catholic faith would not influence his decisions, it made him “sick.”

Which couldn’t be better if the Democrats had planned it.. The more Foamy comes out as the American Taliban, the more he marginalizes himself. His appeal to conservatives as the newest Not Romney and the Anti-Obama is a kick-butt strategy in the primaries where the partisans eat it up on a spoon, but would get him nowhere in a general election.

Foamy is a better presidential nominee than Mittens because not only would Obama whip his monkey ass, Foamy would be a drag on the entire Republican Party ticket. There were fears in 2008 that John McCain had more appeal to independent voters due to the respect and admiration he earned as a conservative willing to buck the party line and reach out to his Democratic colleagues in the Senate.

But Santorum was never a leader and he wasn’t respected. He’s always been a right-wing tool and so entrenched as a far-right winger he couldn’t possibly convince independents and moderate voters he’s even close to holding centrist positions. By definition that makes him unelectable. The party establishment knows that which is why they have to destroy Santorum and continue to prop up Romney.

Santorum has bet it all on the idea that the GOP will penalize moderates and reward extremists. As bets go, it’s not an unsound one, but it leaves him no wiggle room in a general election. With Mittens eking out a three-point “win” over Foamy in his home state of Michigan and slaughtering him in Arizona, his rocky road to the Republican nomination is back on track, but Romney is being diminished, not strengthened the longer it takes him to knock off his challengers. He looks weak, unpopular with the base, and he can’t focus on preparing for Obama while he’s fending off first Newt Gingrich and now Santorum on his his right flank.

I’m not worried about Foamy becoming the next President of the United States. I’d like him to continue bloodying Mittens and softening him up. I’d like the current version of the Republican Party to go out of business and be reborn minus the racists, the homophobes and the sexists trying to regulate a woman’s womb.
There are already Obama supporters who can’t stop laughing at the Republicans auditioning for who can be the biggest tool. I have had my share of laughs as well, but I’m not about to declare this race over and done.

There are no sure things this many months out from Election Day. The economic recovery is soft and can go south if unemployment creeps back up or Israel attacks Iran and a new crisis in the Middle East flares up. There is always the possibility of a scandal or another terrorist attack.

The odds of a second term for the president are getting better, but while Team Obama shares the amusement of watching the Republicans ripping into each other, they aren’t permitting themselves the luxury of assuming they don’t have to win the election. When the GOP finally gets their act together they are going to come at Obama with everything they have.

Negative ads and nasty campaigning? We’ve only just begun.

Obama should run scared because what lies ahead is a lot scarier than anything Mittens, Foamy or the Newtster can throw at him.