Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

HOW TO CONTROL THE DEGREE TO WHICH LOVE STINKS

Well
here is something completely expected: it's Valentine's Day... and I am celebrating it with myself.
(Double entendre not intended, althoughcome to think of it, it'd be one of the better gifts I ever got.) As anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows, I am
not a fan of the "love" thing. Not a fan of the relationships. Above all, not a
fan of the compromising, which explains the first
two.

And I have a sneaking suspicion, based on things
my dear friendstold me in complete confidence (editor's note: never tell
secrets to a woman who has a gossip blog; it's like giving a steak to a
rottweiler and saying "Watch that for me, will you?") that I am not alone. Because ithas come to my attention
that some of you ... all right, a lot of you ... okay ALMOST EVERY GODDAM ONE OF
YOU ... are attracted to the wrong men. The bad boys. The rebels. The thugs. Whatever your generation calls
them, they are all the same thing: Chris
Browndangerously alluring.

What you do
not realize when you're young is that this allure is designed for their
benefit, not yours.Those pheromones that get
your pulse racing are the same pheromones that will render them unable to A) hold down a job B) be faithful to you C) ever make enough money
to provide the lifestyle you deserve. Or
even pay the cable bill on a consistent
basis.This does not make for future happy Valentine's days. Or future happy anything.

Here is a poignant anecdote that reveals
the exact moment my life went off the rails: A top-secret number of years
ago, I went to university with a quiet, nerdy young man who wore his pants too high around the waist. I instantly dismissed him as "boring." I
preferred the rogues, the rebels, the shit-disturbers who, had I been a psych major instead
of a Lit and Fine Arts major, I would have immediately recognized as jerks destined for a messy life requiring a steady, dependable
enabler.That nerdy young man went on to become known as Mike Lazaridis, blazillionaire inventer of the BlackBerry. (*Hi Mikie! I'm available now!*) I went on to become an increasingly bitter yet strangely irresistible double-divorcee.

Don't get me wrong, in the end I emerged victorious. Maybe even fabulous. But it
was a long and bumpy journey. So, to spare your heart and your bladder that bumpiness and to
ensure you are in your right mind for the deadly Valentine's charade, here's a test to help you
figure out where you stand on the Jerk Detector scale. It's very simple:

If you find ANYONE in the
top row of photos attractive, you are doomed.

If you find MOST of the men in the bottom row attractive, there is hope.

And if you find the photo at the top of this blog attractive, well congratulations on your excellent taste but don't
hold your breath. He's mine. All mine.

I'M TOLD THIS IS AMANDA PEET

Jesus Christ! The face snatchers got Amanda Peet too? When is this tsunami of bad plastic surgery going to stop? I swear to God if one more Hollywood celebritwat gets her face done I am going to swear off booze forever. This shit is terrifying enough on a sober stomach. CLICK THE PIC to view the face that started this trend.

THE COVER THAT HELPED LAUNCH A $50M LAWSUIT It's almost Friday. Which is not quite as good as Friday, but it's close. So i...

GOD FOLLOWS KIM ON TWITTER, APPARENTLY

Please don't bother God with your nonsense, people; He's very busy keeping Kim Kardashian safe. Indeed the entire female Kardashian clan was spared certain death this weekend when Khloe drove them off an ice-slicked road in Montana and yet miraculously no one was injured. Kim immediately pulled out her BlackBerry and tweeted: "Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe." God: NP, babe, I wtl .. I txl ... DAMMIT! Why they gotta make these keys so small?

Instagram

GIULIANA GOES RED-HOT

Giuliana Rancic usually makes headlines for being terrifyingly skinny, but today I'm calling attention to something much more important. Her hair. Because holy crap, Giuliana, anyone who can home-colour and have it turn out looking this good must be doing something right. Even if that something has nothing to do with food. Seriously (click the pic). In fact, I've changed my mind. The hair is newsworthy, but good Christ, woman: you need to eat a sandwich or something.

Instagram

SOMEONE IS STEALING HOLLYWOOD'S FACES

I'm told this is Uma Thurman. The 44-year-old walked the red carpet in NYC on Monday wearing "minimal makeup," which apparently is Hollywood code for "a new face." Because suddenly Uma looks like the horrified twin sister of this woman, who brazenly swore: "No, trust me, he's an awesome plastic surgeon. It'll be you ... only younger!" CLICK THE PIC to see that other famous face theft.

PETA IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS

I realize it's cold enough to freeze the implants off a stripper out there, but one must have a sense of decency when one is a public figure, musn't one? Which is why the Interwebs are going berserk over the fact that 'someone' stepped out in NYC wearing what appears to be a $3,500 crystal fox fur coat. You can CLICK the PIC to find out who it is, but you've probably already guessed. Although I cropped the $3,000 diamond ear studs out to make it challenging for you. If I spoonfeed you this pap, you'll never amount to anything, you guys.