Aw man! I just typed up this entire post and then my computer decided to restart itself!

Ok let’s try this again. Here’s a little background on one of my bridesmaids (we’ll call her Michelle):

Michelle and I have been best friends since high school (so about 6 years now). I know she has some anxiety problems and I’ve always tried to be there for her. If she needed to talk, even if it was in the middle of the night, I’d be there. Through all of her ups and downs, break ups, you name it… I was there for her. When she had a hard time with her parents during the last year of high school, she moved in with me and my family. Basically, I did as much as I possibly could do for the girl. The problem with her, however, is that she tends to be quite selfish. If she needs to talk or has something going on, she will keep our plans no matter what. Yet when I have anything that I need to talk about, she bails half the time. Like I said, I knew she had a lot going on with her anxiety issues so I didn’t say anything.

I go back and forth from Israel and Canada and we usually talked on the phone every single day while I was in Israel, until about 10 days before I was supposed to come back to Canada. She disappeared from my life and I was starting to get worried (she had mentioned depression and suicide on some occasions). So when I got back to Canada, I eventually stopped by her house and her mom told me she was okay. Knowing that, I let it go and figured if she doesn’t want to be a part of the friendship then I’ll just have to respect that. She eventually called, apologized, and just said she has “problems” . We started hanging out again and everything was fine.

Fast forward to my engagement. I, of course, asked her to be one of my bridesmaids and she said yes. We were both super excited! About a week later, when I asked my entire bridal party to be a part of my wedding, I decided to have a little cheese and wine night so that all the girls could get to know each other, exchange contact information, etc. I saw Michelle 2 days prior to that evening and she assured me she would be there 100%. I even offered to pick her up, as she doesn’t drive (she lives 30 minutes away, no biggie). The next night, I messaged her to confirm the time and she didn’t reply. I thought maybe she was busy or fell asleep. The next day after that (the day of the girls night), I tried to reach her throughout the entire day. She didn’t pick up her phone, didn’t reply to text messages, nothing.

She disappeared for about 2 weeks, after which she sent me a FB message (that’s right bees, a FB message!) telling me that she has to focus on herself and that she can’t be a part of my wedding. I later found out that “focusing on herself” meant starting a relationship with a new guy she barely knew. Her words were “I need to focus on myself and being a part of your wedding means focusing all the attention on you, and I just can’t do that right now.”

The kicker was that I didn’t even ask her to do anything for the wedding. All she had to do was show up to some of these get togethers and the actual wedding day. She’s been known to be selfish but I never thought she would do this to me. Not to mention, she said “I’m sorry I’m doing this over FB” okay well if you’re so sorry, don’t do it over FB!!

Long story short, I never replied to her message because I was so furious. A part of me also felt like getting on my knees and thanking God that she backed out of her role as a bridesmaid long before the wedding, so she saved me some trouble there.

I just can’t get over the fact that:

1. She kept telling me how she’s not stable enough emotionally to be in my wedding… a ONE DAY event. Yet she went ahead and got into a RELATIONSHIP.

2. She disappeared and then sent me a FB message. Is there a better way of saying “F you”?

It’s been 5 months now since I got that message and I recently saw that Michelle and her boyfriend broke up. I started thinking about the whole situation again and I feel like I didn’t get the closure I need to close the book on our entire friendship. I guess I’m still hurt over it, so sometimes I get the urge to message her back… but then I also feel like maybe I should just let it be. I don’t know what to do.

So, bees, what would YOU do in this situation?

PS, just to make it clear, my problem isn’t that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid. I would never force anyone to do it! My problem is everything else that came along with it, including how she went about telling me.

Your friend has more than “anxiety” problems. I wouldn’t make an issue out of her backing out– she seems really unstable, to say the least. I would ask yourself if you really want to carry on a friendship with someone this unstable, because it is a big commitment. Other than that… I say move on from the whole bridesmaid thing and don’t blame her for what is clearly a mental illness or something serious.

tattiibee: I’m sorry you are going through this, especially during what’s supposed to be a happy time! Honestly, it sounds like your “friend” is going through whatever she’s going through and I would personally just leave it be. If you want to be friends with her, you could respond but it is 5 months later so at this point it might be awkward. I would respond with a phone call, also, not a FB message.

If you are ready to let this friendship go, I would say thank your lucky stars this didn’t happen farther into your wedding planning, and not contact her at all. It’s better to have happened now than 2 months (or weeks) before the wedding.

Research anxiety. I have a friend with anxiety who struggles to visit people because she gets so worried by being in new places etc even with people she’s known for years. I’d neved ask her to be a in a position where everyone would look at her etc as it’s nerve racking enough without anxiety problems. Also, being in a relationship with someone supportive can be anxiety relieving. Months of waiting to be a bridesmaid can be massively anxiety increasing and maybe she told you on Facebook because she was scaref of a face to face meeting with potential confrontation/stress/an upset friend.

i think it was noble of your friend to be honest with you and say she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid because she needs to get well. she obviously felt as a bridesmaid she should be spending a lot of energy lavishing attention on you, which shows she’s a kind and considerate friend. try being supportive of the struggle she’s going through rather than focusing on it from the perspective of your wedding. considering the fact that she’s struggling with anxiety, i think it’s pretty textbook that she sent you a facebook message to tell you.

it’s not really your business when she gets into or out of relationships, or with whom, unless it’s extremely toxic and abusive. having someone to lean on may help her heal, what more can you want for your friend?

Thanks bees! I think most of you are pretty on point about the situation.

cpick: I’m well aware of her issues, actually. I’ve helped her through them for years. She knows I would never be upset if she was just honest with me. Yes, I know it’s hard, but we’ve been through plenty of things together and she knows she can always come to me. I’ve just had enough. I shouldn’t sacrifice absolutely everything for her and get nothing in return. Her anxiety also doesn’t stem from “being looked at”, but from other things. If that was the issue, I would have never asked her and she wouldn’t have said yes in the first place. I also told her that me asking her to be a bridesmaid was purely because of our long and close friendship and that I didn’t expect her to be super involved in the whole process if it made things more difficult for her.

TwoStatesBride: That’s pretty much why I’m torn on whether or not to talk to her again. Because she really did do me a huge favor by telling me far in advance.

As for the relationship, it’s NOT a healthy one. I won’t go into too much detail but for starters, it gives her more anxiety to be with this person because they live in two different cities and she can’t take any form of transportation other than having someone drive her (she didn’t have anyone who could do that and she doesn’t drive). This is one of the reasons why I always drove to her house and picked her up no matter how out of the way it was for me, just so she wouldn’t have to take a bus/train/whatever. Even when she was just “thinking” about dating this guy, she kept saying how stressed and anxious she is over it. Not what I would call a healthy relationship.

I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m not being a supportive friend just because I ask to be treated the same way I’ve treated her all these years.

tattiibee: Obviously I put ‘being looked at’ as a lazy coverall for all the attention/pressure etc that goes with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I was simply offering an alternative perspective based on the wording of a couple of points in your original post which may have come across differently to how you intended them but I can only go off the paragraphs provided and my interpretation

tattiibee: I totally get feeling like you have no “closure” but I would just drop it and let it go. Clearly she isn’t interested in being your friend, and obviously she wasnt doing a very good job when she was in your life.

I have a friend – kind of similar to yours – that I dropped last year. She never was happy for me when I was in a relationship (didn’t get why I wouldnt go to the club and pick up men still), wasn’t supportive of me at all, and ended up being a horrible friend when something tragic happened to me. I chose to just let it go – just slowly stopped talking to her and she never questioned it. We havent talked now in almost 2 years.

I totally get the whole needing closure thing – because sometimes I feel like I should have told her why I no longer wanted to talk to her/talked it through…and I didn’t. We had been friends since 13 years old ( we are now 27 ) so it was kind of sad to me to lose her. However..she clearly didn’t give a shit because she never even texted me wondering why we no longer talked/or asked to get together.

tattiibee: Sounds like your friend has a lot of things to deal with. And i think this would have saved you a lot of anxiety and stress with whatever drama she would have put onto you during the wedding planning process.

She was nice enough to let me know that she couldn’t be a part of my wedding well in advance and I’m very grateful. If this helps her in any way then I’m more than happy for her.

AnonymousCupcake: You’re 100% on the money. But the fact that she hasn’t contacted me actually hurts like hell. I’ve done SO much for her. The worst part is that she has a habit of disappearing so IF she ever contacts me like she usually does (and this is a big “if” because of how she went about all this) and starts apologizing, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over this one.

I guess a huge part of me just needed to vent. There’s plenty of things I’m not good at and plenty of things that I can’t do, but being a friend to someone is something I’m very good at. It’s something I pride myself on because I will be there for my friends no matter where they are and what time of day it is, big problem or small… I will ALWAYS find a way to help, even if it means sacrificing something on my side of things. It sucks knowing that some people don’t appreciate that.