What's the deal with fisting? Is it a real thing that real people actually do, or is it just something that happens in porn films? How would it even work?

Yours wincingly,

Fisting Virgin in Virginia

Dear Curious,

Usually when I get these questions the answer is “nah, nobody really does that” - scissoring! the mile high club! - but in this case yes, Virginia, fisting is real. There’s a knack to it. I’ve never quite gone all the way myself, though I have dabbled, but I’ve seen it done to other people. The trick is a lot of patience, a lot of lube, and to work up slowly one finger at a time; you’re not just sort of punching in up there, because oh hell no.

If you’d like more information, I can recommend this informative podcast from the Pleasure Mechanics. I can in fact recommend the Pleasure Mechanics in general - they’re a lesbian couple who give good, sound sex advice and education to all sorts of people in all sorts of situations.

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Dear Abi,

I'm a straight woman in my early thirties, and I date online a lot. I mostly use OK Cupid and Tinder. One thing I keep noticing is the prevalence of penis photos that I didn't ask for sent to me by guys I don't know that well. What gives? Usually I just block them on WhatsApp or Messenger or whatever it is, but is there a better strategy here? Maybe by not saying something, I'm actually encouraging this behaviour! Should I keep ignoring the unwanted phallus photography, or should tell them why that is not the right strategy if they want to end up in my bed?

Yours hopefully,

An Overcocked Dater

Dear Overcocked,

Yeah, that...that’ll happen. Honestly, I’ve never really understood the motivation of men who do this. What are they hoping to achieve?

How you should respond to it depends on how much energy you’re willing to expend. The trouble is, while it’s possible that you’ll cause some kind of revelation in your hopeful suitor, you’re more likely to just have to put up with them behaving like the dick they’ve just insisted on showing you. Our best bet, as women who like to know a little about a penis’s host before being introduced to an identikit image of it peeking out of its cotton-soft home, is to keep on blocking and ignoring them until the message begins to sink in. Perhaps if a critical mass takes that approach, they’ll eventually realise this isn’t the iron-cast dating strategy they had hoped for.

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Dear Abi,

We're a twenty-something couple exploring an interest in kink: we've got a bit of experience with ropes and restraints, but want to try something a bit heavier. What would you recommend for first steps into impact play? What toys should we start with, and what should we keep in mind?

With thanks,

C

Dear C,

My best recommendation of all is your own hand. With a more cupped palm you can create a heavier, duller, deeper sensation, usually known as a ‘thud’; with a flat hand your blows will be sharper and have more surface bite, usually known as ‘sting’. Most recipients of impact play prefer or have a higher tolerance for one over the other, so this is a good way to figure out which you’re more interested in. Spanking also allows the top to know exactly where and how hard they’re hitting, which is especially helpful for beginners.

If you’d like to explore thudding sensations more, a good starter option is a wooden paddle. You can upgrade to heavy leather tawses later, but there’s no need to run before you can walk. A good starter sting implement is a riding crop - practice hitting with it a while to get it right. You’re putting the power into the leather bit at the end, not the body of the crop! Canes are the next step up from that, and a lot of people love them dearly; they’re an acquired taste, though. Many people on both sides of the thud-sting divide adore floggers, so it’s well worth looking into one of those.

Be sure that you buy these implements from a decent BDSM retailer, rather than just from whatever your country’s equivalent of Ann Summers is. They’ll work better, last longer and have more of an effect.

Whatever you’re hitting someone with, be careful to avoid the spine, kidneys and coccyx. Make sure that the spanker is checking in with the spankee every now and then, and that you’re both feeling comfortable and confident with what you’re doing.

Ask Abi is a bimonthly sex advice column written by Abi Brown. Email your questions to askabi@fuck.com. Abi is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. Follow her on her website or @see_abi_write.