Wednesday, March 25, 2015

To be Gay and Frum

To say I am reluctant to discuss this subject is an understatement.
It always presents challenges. Especially from people who are gay. Some of them get upset with me. And I can’t
really blame them.

Being gay in the Orthodox world is not easy. This is a
subject that I have discussed many times. My attitude about it is can be summed
up in a phrase I have often heard used by Fundamentalist Christians, ‘Love the
sinner, hate the sin’. To briefly
re-state my views here - I understand that nature of sexual attraction is at
best difficult to control. Most people
are attracted to members of the opposite sex. But some people are attracted to
members of the same sex.

That in and of itself is not sinful. As a prominent celebrity once said about his
own personal desires, ‘The heart wants what it wants’. We can’t really help who
we are attracted to. God does not punish people for having inclinations. Although
Chazal do tell us to stay away from those things that may precipitate sin. But if
being gay is defined as having a same sex attraction, there is no shame in
that. People have to be respected for who they are. Nor are we permitted to judge what we presume
goes on behind closed doors. First of all we don’t know. And second of all, that
is God’s domain. Not ours.

Nonetheless, we are required to respect the Torah point of
view with respect to forbidden sexual relationships. So that the male homosexual
act (male to male anal sex) is to be considered as sinful as the Torah says it
is. ‘Love the sinner, hate the sin’.

I bring all this up in light of a troubling new article in
Tablet Magazine. It describes the efforts of a young woman who is trying to
gain acceptance for the gay community in Yeshiva University circles. ‘Out,
Proud, and Kinda Loud at Yeshiva University’, says the title of the article.
And the subtitle: Students are challenging the Modern Orthodox school’s
traditional stance on LGBT issues.

There are apparently a few students at YU that are gay and are apparently hurt by the lack of acceptance. However, when
we start hearing the word ‘proud’ as part of the lexicon, it raises a red flag
with me. Tolerance, acceptance, and love is one thing. Treating people with
dignity despite their sexual orientation is indeed a basic Jewish tenet. It is
called Kavod HaBriyos – honoring all of God’s creations. But being proud of
having sinful desires crosses the line from tolerance to honor. We do not honor
sinful desires regarding sex anymore than we should honor sinful desires to do
any sinful act. Whether it be murder or cheating on your taxes.

It is difficult to know where to draw the line between
honoring the sinner and not the sin. What if someone openly flouts his sinful
acts? Should we honor that individual? My answer is an unequivocal no. We
should not. Flagrant and open violations of Halacha are never to be honored.
Even if those doing them are not aware of how sinful those acts are. Tolerance
does not mean honoring sin.

What’s troubling to me about all this is that idea of
normalizing a gay lifestyle – treating it as a lifestyle choice same as a heterosexual
lifestyle. Besides, not all heterosexual lifestyles are acceptable. The only heterosexual
lifestyle Halachicly sanctioned is one where a man and woman are married and
they observe the laws of Taharas HaMishpacha (family purity).

That said, we do not see what goes on behind closed doors.
We have no clue whether a husband and wife completely observe those laws. But
at least it is very possible and even likely that observant married couples do
observe those laws and have a Halachicly permitted sexual relationship. But
when 2 men live together, any kind of sexual relationship between them that
involves spilling seed is not Halachicly permitted. So the two scenarios cannot
be compared. They are not the same. One should not be proud of living that
lifestyle. Nor should we honor it.

I should add that we still have no right to judge what
people do behind closed doors. Unless we see a flagrant public violation we
have no right to assume anything. Or to say or do anything. But at the same
time we must never say that gay equals straight. It does not.

I say this not to be hard on those in Orthodoxy that are
gay. I say it only to honor the Torah’s admonition against any non Halachic sexual
act. We must never honor the sin. Completely normalizing the gay lifestyle implies
acceptance of a sinful act same as it does a non sinful act. Which is why I am
opposed to gay marriage. Gay marriage explicitly legitimizes it and implicitly normalizes it. Legal issues with respect equalizing the rights of a gay couple
with the rights of a married heterosexual couple can be worked out in a civil
society without the imprimatur of marriage.

I know that gay people want to be treated like normal human
beings – equal with everyone else. And they should be. But if we are going to
honor the Torah we have to draw a line. If one is gay he has to understand that
gay sex is still sinful. No amount of societal acceptance is going to change
that. Tolerance should not suggest pride. Tolerance means acceptance of the
individual and honoring him for the content of his character.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to be gay in a
straight world. There is still a lot of prejudice out there that manifests
itself in intolerance and even hatred. That can be very discouraging. It can
and in many cases probably has caused a religious gay Jew to reject Halachic
observance or worse send them into severe depression and even attempts at suicide in some cases.

But gay Jews need not give up on being devoutly religious. On the
contrary. Gay Jews can be as devoutly religious as anyone else. True they have a
great challenge to overcome. And they may sometimes fail – as we all do. But
that should not mean abandoning observance.

An observant gay Jew that sometimes fails in their observance
should never mean rejection by the heterosexual mainstream. Any of us – gay or
straight - if we transgress, we do Teshuva and start again. God understands
human nature and we all sin. We all have our own individual challenges. Which is why He gave us the means to repent and
grant us forgiveness. We need not be ashamed of who we are no matter what our
sexual orientation is. Only about what we do – if it is sinful.

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About Me

My outlook on Judaism is based mostly on the teachings of my primary Rebbe, Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik from whom I received my rabbinic ordination. It is also based on a search for spiritual truth. Among the various sources that put me on the right path, two great philosophic works stand out: “Halakhic Man” and “Lonely Man of Faith” authored by the pre-eminent Jewish philosopher and theologian, Rabbi, Dr. Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Of great significance is Rabbi, Dr. Norman Lamm's conceptualization and models of Torah U’Mada and Dr. Eliezer Berkovits who introduced me to the world of philosophic thought. Among my early influences were two pioneers of American Elementary Torah Chinuch, Rabbis Shmuel Kaufman and Yaakov Levi. The Yeshivos I attended were Yeshivas Telshe for early high school and more significantly, the Hebrew Theological College where for a period of ten years, my Rebbeim included such great Rabbinic figures as Rabbis Mordechai Rogov, Shmaryahu Meltzer, Yaakov Perlow, Herzl Kaplan, and Selig Starr. I also attended Roosevelt University where I received my Bachelor's Degree - majoring in Psychology.