Sunday, May 20, 2012

This blog post title is taken from the song ‘I’m Your
Man’ by Ronn Moss who is that guy who played Ridge Forrester on The Bold
and the Beautiful. This line is about taking melancholic people home in order
to stuff various baked goods into their eyes. Like ohai, you haz a sad? Come to
my house, I put LazeezDoubleChickenDoubleEggRoll in your face. This selfsame
song has another line that goes ‘if you want some fishes in your ocean, some
magic in your potion, I’m your man.’ And also ‘if you want some rhythm in your
tango, some fun in your fandango’. Anyway then he also says ‘Well I’m rough
around the edges but my poetry is smooth’. It sure is yougaiz! It is smooth
like…smooth things that are smooth! Makes a girl wish she had a roll in her
eyes. I also thought that maybe he’s saying ‘roll back in your ride’ but ‘roll
back in your eyes’ is more better.

Anyway now I need to do my Indianladyblogger duty and say something
about a certain article that appeared in a certain publication whose name
rhymes with Crimes of India. This certain article talked about the sexuals. I
had a lot of difficulty just processing this information because we all know
that people don’t have sex in India because it is against our culture. We
prefer to just leave such things to the West. Then how we came to have so much
of the population explosion in our country if we do not engage in the sexuals?
I don’t know yougaiz! It’s like, I just turned around and there were all these
brown people all over the place! Someone must have put them there! Ok so I
wanted to read the article again, because clearly I don’t really like myself,
but I can’t find it! It seems to be missing or I have not looked properly
enough because frankly, I didn’t really look for it. What was it about again,
the importance of breeding virginal women for betterment of the society or
something? Idk. Basically I just wanted to give that article the Great Things
About Virgin Women Who are Great Because They Are Great But Mostly Because They
are Virgins Award. I also want to give the following awards to-

White People are the Worst Things Evar Award to this article which apparently says the reason why
certain Indian news sites/tabloids were saying things like Breaking News! Why
is Aishwarya so fat? Find out why Aishwarya is so fat! is because of white
people. Or something. Because that's just something we as Indians would never do on our own because we don't know how to do such things. It's like how we don't know how to to do the sexuals either. Apparently you can find ample evidence of this Aishwaryabashing on a site
called Desimad.com which also has a Youtube channel with the following
disclaimer 'If you are expecting something sensible than please avoid this
channel.' Also want to say that this article gets this award, despite its use
of the term ‘yummy mummy’, which frankly is right up there with putting a roll
in someone’s eyes. Also fyi, youwhitegaiz are not solely responsible for
bringing your ebil body image issues and skin whitening issues to this fair
brown land of ours. You are solely responsible for bringing in homosexuality
and feminism. Just so we’re clear.

Musical Truths Among RapeyDouche Tweets Award goes to Sid Mallya who tweeted to say that 'Everyone wants there 15
minuets.' He later corrected ‘there’ to ‘their’, which is really great.

While we’re at it, I’d like to give out the following awards as
well.

The Amazing Carpet Award- This goes to
the rather illustrious individual who I encountered during my househunting
days. They had what can only be described as a mangy carpet spread out on the
mangy floor. When we walked in, said individual said, don’t step on the carpet.
I can only guess that they said that so we did not get any mange on our shoes.
And then, during the hard sell, they said, see I am giving you this place with
carpet also but you must not step on it. I believe this was also the
selfsameplace that had a mound of cracked ceramic in one room and this
apparently was the Italian design western toilet.

The I Hate Your Face Award- this goes
out to all those peeps who followed the ‘basically we don’t prefer to give to
unmarried bachelorspinsters. We appreciate families.’ rent policy. I totes
understand this because basically I don’t prefer the unmarried bachelor
spinsters either because they eat small children and pee on the floor and
refuse to use their reproductive organs for what the good lord intended.
Families on the other hand usually don’t eat their own children although they
may eat someone else’s. Some of them pee on the floor but it’s ok because they
are families.

I would like to keep whining about some of the other places/people I
encountered while househunting but this blog post is already too long. So I
will do that next week and leave you with this

All
About You by Ron Moss- There is a line in here that goes ‘it’s not about
your new agent’ and I thought he was saying ‘it’s not about your new
Asians.’

9
comments:

culdivsac
said...

Dear Kuzhali, I have a very strong feeling that you're already on the twitters, stalking some of us (ok, that's a daydream. Stalking some of the more famous ones of us). Whatever the whether, you are requested to join the twitters without worrying that some of us, both famous and non-famous, will be stalking the you. (Note to my twitter friends - Of course we will, yougaiz!) In fact, are you knowing that you are already a hashtag, are you knowing it, #kuzhali?

As ladyblogger you must be knowing that now one number (or many numbers) anonymous commentor will offer to provide fun in your fandango. Or will accuse you of having too much fun in your fandango only. I just like saying "fun in your fandango", sorry.

Hello. Loved. As usual.Speaking of bakery in the eyes, this reminds me of the time in my life when I started realising that smashing birthday cake into someone's face was just not nice, wasteful, and possibly permanently damaging to perfectly good party clothes.Just thought I should mention it.

Ron Moss is forever tainted in my mind not only because of that weird face and abnormal jawline, but also because when I was studying at Bishop Cottons in BLR, back in the previous century, there was this huge billboard featuring him in a shall we say, not-for-family-viewing type of film in a shady porny cinema not 100 yards from our school's gate. Here in the mountains we are all about judging people who act in such blushers. So I judged Ron.

I leave you with some Middle East trivia: Growing up in DXB, B&TB used to be our family's favourite daily evening soap, with the parents and us little kids seated side by side in complete harmony, knowing nothing untoward would happen, because on the local TV station everything non-PG-esque was censored. An entire episode of Bold was about 15 mins on average with fascinating, abrupt cuts and sudden scene changes. Good times.I think I'm done and so, thank you for the LOLs.

Hee hee... (giggles like a school girl)Mallya Jr. missed English classes at school. He was attending accent training na! And I think we are just a bunch of hypocrites when it comes to the sexuals. We can be such great idiots, I tell you...

@ culdivsac- haifraand! I’m not on twitter right now tho I sometimes think it would be fun to join simbly just for a fun. If I do, I will let you know :)

@ aishwarya- hai dear. An illustrious acquaintance said that the Indian version could be ‘if you want some magic in your potion, some Rakesh in your Roshan’. I’m sorry, it just seemed funny at the time.

@longblackveil- haidear. I had no idea that ronnmoss did sexual movies like that. Now I have to go and find them. I imagine that the censored versions of B&TB would wholly consist of people looking confused at the dinner table, looking confused in the living room and people standing by the window looking confused. You will come to b’lore for visit?

@ anonymous- lolz, that is awesome :)

@ shruthi- ohai! I am sad to hear that the internets was mean to him. I did try and read some of his other articles but they were on very sexual topics which I can’t able to understand because it is against indian culture

@ lost and found- hai! Well, the sexuals are a very hypocritical thing you know. Unlike virgin women, which are non-hypocritical. That made no sense but whatever.

About Me

Kuzhali Manickavel is the author of the short story collections 'Insects Are Just like You and Me except Some of Them Have Wings' and 'Things We Found During the Autopsy', both available from Blaft Publications. She also has an email id and it goes like kuzhali (dot) ehm (at) gmail (dot) com