A few months back, I broke my beer glass and intentionally cut myself with it across the palm like a fucking maniac simply to make a "point" to my Mom about an argument that was very pointless and idiotic for me to even be upset and arguing about it, let alone to do something as batshit crazy as that . I had drank several shots and like eight beers at the time. I woke up and was horrified about what I had done, and I swore that I wouldn't drink again the next day (didn't stick with that or anything). I apologized to my Mom for that, and after a while, my hand healed up fine, but I have no idea what the fuck was wrong with me that I would do something like that as I NEVER would consider hurting myself like that normally.

Then, several months later, I drank nearly an entire bottle of vodka. This time, I did not hurt myself on purpose, but I was just messing around in my drunken state in my room and punched a chair. I was by myself and not exactly sure why I was punching the chair. It looked like it was cushioned, and I thought that. Though, on sober inspection, the back was hard and had a few metallic edges on it. As a result, I got a gash on my hand from catching the edge of it. Though, at first I didn't feel it much until I noticed it was bleeding bad. It was quite nasty, but I was very drunk and somehow barely even felt it as a result of the drunkenness. If I remember correctly, I drunkenly cleaned out the cat litter later (with the other hand, but it was still in the air). As a result, the hand ended up getting infected, and I got put on antibiotics. It is going away now, but it got quite swollen and it could have been very dangerous.

When I drink moderately, which is what I usually do, I have no real problems. Just catch a bit of a buzz and that's it. I don't do anything crazy and my personality doesn't change as a result of moderate drinking. However, sometimes I find myself going on these binges with it for little to no real reason. Often, I'll drink to extreme excess if I'm by myself. I do while out, but I have these occasions where I'll be by myself and just find myself getting completely hammered. However, when I do this, I nearly always do something extremely stupid, and on these two occasions I wound up hurting myself. The first time was particularly frightening as I did it on purpose, which is completely out of character for me. I'm not sure what the hell is going on here as in the past, I was able to drink heavily without having any "incidents" happen as a result of my drinking. Now, as I have grown older, it has become such that binging on alcohol is simply not something that I'm able to do anymore. Which honestly in a way is probably a good thing as even when I didn't have issues as a result of my drinking binges, they never really served any positive purpose for me of course. So, for me, my limit is simply having a couple/few drinks on an occasion and the thought of binging on alcohol now creates a very visceral reaction and the thought horrifies me, given the fact that it has caused my personality to change in a manner that honestly scares me...... and so much for the idea of the "real self" coming out while incredibly drunk as my "real self" certainly isn't a retard who starts arguments over almost nothing, does stupid things and gets hurt, cut myself, and generally acts batshit crazy. Fuck that. The me on a drinking binge honestly almost seems like a different person than the me that's me.

There is a fine line that exists with alcohol where a little bit may help you be more honest or forthcoming in your actions and feelings. Anything over that and you find yourself a bumbling fool slurring all kinds of nonsensical drivel that has no relevancy whatsoever to actual thoughts or feelings. Believe me I have been there. Did you have a question or need help with something? It seems as though you now know your and how far you can go with alcohol, and that is good. Alcohol is a hard drug and will wreck you in every way imaginable if you do not respect it.

I've done some pretty stupid and inexpiable stuff while blacked out. I wouldn't try to make too much sense of things you did while blacked out. Sometimes they could be completely whimsical, triggered by nothing or something irrelevant. I've done some pretty embarrassing things just to try to get some friends to laugh. In the moment, things make more sense sometimes.

I have to say, I hate alcohol as a drug for what it does to so many people. I have so many people in my life--sweet, decent, kind people--that get too drunk and become mean. It made a big impression on me even as a kid when I saw how someone could change so drastically under the effects of drinking and half the time not even remember the misery the next day.

I am sorry that you hurt yourself and empathize with how unsettling it must feel to feel so out of control. What do you think made you drink so much more on those occasions since you usually drink only moderately?