It's not for the faint of heart.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Apparently the X's skeezy, sleazy lawyer convinced a judge that my children are in emotional distress because I'm keeping them from a father they are desperate to see. For the record, none of them want to see him and I've got a therapist who will attest to as much under oath, who will in fact testify that it's not in the kids best interest to have anything other than very limited, and monitored access to him at this point. They aren't ready yet.

However, apparently I'll be in court in three weeks so that my X can plead his case to the judge for visitation.

All I can do is hope that the judge recognizes how dangerous he still is and keeps my kids safety in mind. I also hope she/he sees through all the lies and poor me victimization that the X is throwing around in an attempt to seem more sympathetic.

While I'm making wishes I'll toss one in there for control of my PTSD symptoms and anxiety during all of this. When we show up in court next month I want to appear calm, cool, and collected. No tears - no outbursts, no anxiety. I don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me in distress.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

So this is a reoccurring theme in my life lately. I really do think, that at some point, one eventually gets what they ask for, or maybe it's just what we deserve. Some claim that Karma steps in, or maybe it's just fruits of one's labors... both positive AND negative. Whatever you want to call it - I've seen this rule in effect many times over the past couple of years.

Well this time ol Karma stepped up and spanked my craptastic X like a wayward child. BOOM BABY... back to the corner! It seems that ol Mr. X asked for a change of venue in an attempt to punish me financially, as well as speed up this ridiculous custody battle he's brought to my doorstep. Well we just got our paper work from the court and court date was set... they can squeeze us in...

are you ready? It's good...

Wait for it....

(yes I'm giggling and rubbing my hands together in fiendish delight)

MAY 2012

I really am laughing my ass off here people. He has to wait nearly a year to even plead his case! See this is what happens when you try to play games with the court. He thought he was SO smart. He thought he could harass me and scare me into signing some b.s. document that gave him access to my kids. He wants custody but refuses to get any mental health treatment, or even acknowledge that he went to jail for a DV charge. He's still trying to convince the court that he's some kind of victim.

So anyway - lots of legal maneuvering this past week has kept me away from my computer. It's exhausting trying to wade through the hundreds of pages of legal documents and respond to all of the allegations, lies, and plain ol' just crazy bullshit that he sends my way. This last packet was over 100 pages. My lawyer was able to get all of the documents from the SWAT team and sheriffs dept. from his arrest. There are emails from his coworkers where they told the HR dept at his place of employment that he was threatening to kill me and himself. This was sent to them in the first week of September. On September 13th he brought that gun to my house and threatened to shoot me. TWO WEEKS he planned it all out, bought the gun etc. Premeditated - clear as day.

There is no way he can continue to claim that the events of that night were a "sudden, rash lapse of judgement with very little forethought" as he's been claiming in his depositions to family court. I have witness statements, the receipt for the gun purchased the week before, and a transcript of the negotiators conversations with him where he admits to being a "planner" and explains he waited all week for the chance to do this.

He's an idiot... and when we get to court next year he'll find out exactly how much the court dislikes both liars, as well as abusers. The kids and I are breathing a HUGE sigh of relief. For the next 11 months he can just cool his jets and wait for his day in court, and the kids and I? Well we are might busy enjoying this life we've built for ourselves. So I'm not going to spend any more time than I have to worrying about this... that's what I'm bankrupting myself by paying my lawyer for. It's her job to deal with all this stuff. The kids and I plan on enjoying our summer.

Karma baby... she's a lover and a hater both...I'm glad I'm on her good side this time!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Every time I read that vignette my Chef wrote I actually see red. I've stopped crying every time I read it - but this intense anger is almost over powering. I don't know what to do with all this hate. I don't know how to get past this one. I've worked so hard to get through the fear and anger over what my X did to the kids and I when he brought that gun to my house.... this is different though. This feels so much more intense.

I knew in my head that my kids had been damaged by what my X did. But reading those words, written in Chef's own voice is physically painful. My throat starts to close up, and I actually feel my blood pressure rising. It just brought home, on such an elemental level, what she's been through.

It's almost like I could get over what was done to me... but what he's done to my kids is so much worse. I don't know how to let this go.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I wonder sometimes if saying something too much takes away it's power. Words like love and hate are thrown around as though they have no meaning.

I find that I say all the time, "I love those shoes" or "I am so in love with this cake". Does it take away from it's strength then when I tell BLT or my children that I love them? Surely what I feel for my kids and the man I'm sharing my life with is much deeper than the appreciation I have for cake or footwear!

The same goes for the word Hate. There is only one person I hate. There is only one person who's ever done my children and I so much harm, physically and emotionally that he instantly gets nothing but venom and disgust from me. I don't want to lump any other person or thing in the same category as that worthless piece of crap.

I think I need to be more mindful of the words I say. I feel like I need to choose more carefully so that when I say "I love you" it has real meaning.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My Ex likes to tell anyone who will listen that he never did anything to hurt our kids. He has declared to the court, the police, therapists, family and friends over and over that he was the victim in all of this and that the kids have no reason to be upset.

This is a draft of my 13 year old's final for Language Arts. She is supposed to write a vignette about a moment in her life that changed her. The spelling is horrible, but hey, that's not Chef's strong point. This is also just her first draft. Reading it was very powerful for me. I cried my eyes out.... it makes me hate that man with a passion I feel for no other living person.

********************************************

People are like oxygen, we need them, they surround us, giving us light and energy. Sometimes that light disappears, and other times, it gets taken away.

He left us in the white van the smell of upholster and rain dampen concrete invading my senses. The sound of the traffic coming by blasted my ears with wanting, wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. I joke on the outside my sisters young smiling faces making the gnawing fear a little more bearable each second. Until I saw them, they came one by one with packages, big, tall, wrapped up and hiding the deathly thing that lays inside. The sign of the gun shop will always be burned into my mind.

He lays there like nothings wrong, twirling the bullet casing in his fingers like it's all a joke, like it's not something sick and wrong, like it's an innocent toy or play thing. I watch it glint in the sunlight and listen to my sisters sobs, rubbing her back reassuringly, while my mind is trying to stay calm and not hear the words coming out of his mouth. It scared me relentlessly, what he's saying so rationally, about something so wrong.

The gun was loaded, car was ready, alaby set, his footsteps thunder with finality as he walked through the door, and hopefully, out of my life. The clock strikes seven, the days long gone, I still hear those footsteps song as he steps out of the door with finality. I didn't think he could do it, I didn't think he would try, but then again, people aren't always what you think.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

* My Ex sent a nasty letter through his lawyer threatening to have me sued for parental interference. He is claiming that I am coaching my children to tell the judge that they don't want to see him. This is, I swear on my life, 100% false.

This same letter claims that I am harassing him... and that I've arranged for my family to harass him. That he has been under surveillance, that my family are "conduits of information" between us and that I'm trying to trick him into violating his restraining order. Not a single bit of it is true. But in order to defend myself I have to send in copies of phone records to prove no calls have been made. I have to gather statements from therapists that the kids aren't coached, and I have to pay my lawyer to defend RIDICULOUS allegations. I want nothing more in this life than to have that man as far away from me as possible. My family has had zero contact with him. It's all just lies and vague accusations w/o any proof to back it up. But I'm bankrupting myself trying to defend against his stupid lies and that in turn hurts my kids.

* Lady Bug turns 12 on Thursday. We are having a little birthday BBQ for her tomorrow. We are also heading to the movies to see the new X men.

* Lady Bug also has to have her tonsils and adenoids removed the day before her birthday. She won't be a very happy camper this year... poor kid. We are working like crazy to get all her school work done and turned in ahead of time since she'll miss the last week of school.

* We are CRAZY busy at work

* Monday I have to go to the Kindergarten graduation ceremony for Monkey Pants. I can't believe Kindergarten is over already!

* I started running again this week. I managed to fit in two runs, 3.3 miles and then 3.65 miles. I'm slow as hell, but I got it done. I also got in a bike ride tonight. It was a perfectly cool night, and it's so relaxing to go around my sweet little town on my bike to relax after dinner.

* I've sketched out some quilting projects I want to get started soon. This will give me plenty of time to get them done before Christmas.

* I found out Friday that my health insurance was accidentally canceled...BACK IN APRIL!! Not a single notice that there was a problem until June 10th. Good Lord, way to be on top of things! It took nearly an hour on the phone to figure out what had happened and get the auto payment set back up. It should be retroactive once they get the payment situation smoothed out, but it was stressful dealing with the ridiculous insurance company.

* I bought my dad and BLT tickets to a Mariner's game in July. They will be their Father's Day gifts. My mom went in on them with me. We got them 25 rows back from the field, right over 1st base. Should be great seats! I think they'll like them since they had a great time at a game in Arizona when they were traveling on a business trip. I like that my two favorite men enjoy spending time together.

There have been tons of little issues this week... some good, some bad... it's all just blurred together into one long, exhausting week that I was happy to see the end of.

Friday, June 3, 2011

1. I have a tattoo on my ass
2. I adore peanut butter, any kind, any way it's just the YUM
3. I have more than two middle names, and ya... my hippy parents are to blame.
4. I have two idiot dogs. My children love them, and even though I pretend to be disgusted I kinda dig the little retards too.
5. I am addicted to lip gloss
6. I am always cold, and usually wear two - three layers. Yes even in June.
7. I got caught shoplifting in Jr. High and had to do 20 hours community service. This girl learned her lesson!
8. I can type over 60 words per minute
9. I've been told I have a-typical movie taste for a girl. LOVE action movies... LOVE them. Have little patience for romance movies, especially the sappy ones, but I do dig a goofy chick flick on occasion with Ethel. I prefer someone to die, or the world to be in jeopardy of a nuclear attack. If someone can die while saving the world from a nuclear attack even better!
10. For six years I was totally addicted to World of Warcraft. I left cold turkey and I'll never get sucked into an MMORPG again. I prefer interacting with real people face to face.
11. I detest brussle sprouts.
12. My favorite scented lotion/bubble bath is something tropical or citrus scented
13. I like to suck on lemons and limes.
14. I am allergic to seafood
15. My toe nails are always painted a dark burgundy red
16. I only wear one piece of jewelry every day. It's a Cladaugh ring given to me by Ethel.
17. My very favorite books of all time are Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card or Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. Both copies are old, dog eared, and WELL used.
18. I was raised as a Catholic and go to confession once a year or so... it usually takes me about 45 minutes in there.
19. Once I talked out loud to a cardboard cut out of Twinkie the Kid in a mini mart just to embarrass Ethel. Watching her blush is fun.
20. My favorite beer is Blue Moon
21. I like to cross stitch, sew, paint, and do paper crafts like card making.
22. I have one younger brother
23. I've never met my biological father.
24. If I could visit any place in the US I would like to go to NYC in winter so that I could ice skate at Rockafeller center and see the big Christmas tree.
25. I collect vintage cameras
26. I have no idea where my vibrator disappeared to. Disconcerting... and odd.... It's not in the little satin box it usually resides in. This is so weird...
27. I adore pizza. Just about any way you make it I loves it but it must have olives!
28. I am afraid of heights and elevators make me nervous.
29. I would consider having a baby with BLT if I could be guaranteed a boy. Since you can't guarantee that I'll pass!
30. I love painting walls and furniture. Sometimes I'll just get a wild hair up my butt and decide to repaint something.
31. I think eggplant should be outlawed
32. I'm a terrible speller... really horrible to be honest.
33. I'm a list maker
34. I really dig the office supply store.
35. I have managed to flirt my way to a free first class upgrade on an airplane three times in the past couple years.
36. I have been converted and am now a total iPhone snob. I love my phone!
37. I firmly believe that nobody over the age of 9 should wear velcro shoes. Until you get to about 70... then do whatever the hell you want I won't say a word!
38. I've never spent more than 10.00 for a pair of sunglasses. I do not get the point of designer glasses. I'm just going to lose or break them. I go through three to four pairs every year.
39. I've never been skiing, snowboarding, surfing, or water skiing.
40.I am an excellent swimmer
41. My new running shoes are black, grey, and hot pink
42. Once I worked in the mall wearing a fuzzy Hello Kitty costume and passing out balloons. Damn it was hot in there. It smelled horrible too.
43. I believe prostitution should be legal, heavily taxed, and regulated.
44. I was born at 3:33 am
45. I am the most impatient person I know. I really struggle with this a lot.
46. I don't think there is anything cuter in the world than baby feet.
47. Strawberry shortcake should always be served on a warm scone or a biscuit. Angel food cake is gross and soggy.
48. I refuse to drink powdered lemonade.
49. I hate to exercise and do it because it's good for me. I'm never once felt those mythical endorphins I've heard so much about.
50. I can't decide if I am a liberal with conservative tendencies or a conservative with liberal tendencies
51. I had a pet ferret for one week
52. I had a pet turtle for one year
53. More than anything in the world I hate people who whine and play the victim role.
54. My all time favorite movie is the Princess Bride.
55. The next song on my iPod list is Hot Blooded by Foreigner
56. There is always room for ice cream
57. I detest pumpkin pie. It's not the flavor, it's the texture. I don't anything slimy.
58. I went to survival camp in fifth grade and learned to make a shelter, scavenge food, make a fire, and find water.
59. My bedspread is white with black flowers and my sheets are dark red.
60. I have a small, heart shaped, dark mole on my right shoulder blade
61. I would rather have someone tell me a hard truth than a kind lie.
62. I hate to wear socks
63. The cover on my phone is dark metallic blue... I dig it....
64. My favorite flowers are Shasta daisies
65. My favorite holiday is Halloween
66. I've always wanted to learn to play the piano
67. I do not understand the stock market at all.
68. I have persistent insomnia
69. I really like black and white photography
70. I like tea hot or iced, but will only drink coffee hot.
71. I speak a fair amount of French.
72. The idea of keeping any kind of bird in a cage inside your house creeps me out.
73. My first car was a 1971 Ford LTD... silver with a baby blue cloth top and baby blue faux leather interior. LOL, it was a giant, silver boat.
74. I was 18 before I bothered to get my driver's license. Ethel drove me everywhere I needed to go!
75. I have a cleft/dimple in my chin
76. The very first boy I ever had a crush on was named Jeremy Fischer. He was 5 inches shorter than me... but he was one dreamy 4th grade hunk of burnin' love!
77. I live in flip flops from July to September-ish
78. My favorite color is red
79. I went through six years of allergy shots, once per week. It sucked, but it was effective.
80. I really like to wear hats
81. I have a collection of vintage hat boxes that I'm very fond of.
82. I have a terrible habit of never checking the messages on my answering machine.
83. I have a sinking suspicion that I have adult ADD.
84. I can count to ten in Japanese.
85. I don't understand the appeal of comic books at all, but I let BLT show me what he's into and we go to all the super hero type movies. Maybe some day I'll "get it" but until then he enjoys it so I play along.
86. I freaking LOVE to have the sensitive inside of my elbows or the back of my knees kissed. Weird I know but dang that turns me on!!
87. Shhh... don't tell, but I already have to dye my hair to cover the pesky greys here and there. I just color it the same dark chocolate brown / nearly black that my natural color is so nobody knows!
88. I prefer hand made, or vintage / thrifted gifts to any other kind.
89. I wish I had the patience to sew a quilt, but I just don't.
90. Some day I want to live in a house on a lake
91. I work for my family's company and I really do love it. I work hard, but it's rewarding to see that your hard work is directly proportional to the companies success.
92. I think cigarette smoking is pretty much the most disgusting habit ever. I would rather see someone pick their nose and eat it than light up.
93. I have a special, deep, almost ridiculous loathing of those ugly rubber Croc shoes.
94. I had a dream the other night that I picked up a really ugly, mangy, flea bag of a dog. It only had one eye, and it was just the ugliest thing you've ever seen. I named it after my X... I'm pretty sure I should discuss this with my therapist... I have issues....
95. I refuse to eat Oreos or anything Oreo flavored. Yuck.... that greasy cream center stuff makes me gag.
96. Bacon, Potatoes, Apple Vodka, and Klondike Bars are all proof that God loves us. This is also why I have to exercise... *grumble*
97. I would love to go on a cruise some day.
98. I make delicious apple cinnamon pancakes (according to my kids)
99. I own not one, but two fondue pots
100. BLT might actually be wearing me down in regards to the whole marriage thing. He keeps talking about it, and dang it if I don't love that man. We'll see... never say never is what Ethel keeps telling me.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Yesterday was the one year anniversary.... or Divorce-a-Versary if you will... from my psychotic X. I celebrated in style with beer and Nachos at my favorite Mexican restaurant with Ethel and BLT. Not extravagant, and quick like, as it's a week night - but it was fun to toast to the future and not so fondly remember Capt. Cookaloo.

I've come a long way in a relatively short period of time, and as hard, and horrible as it's been at times I don't regret it.

I don't regret my relationship with BLT, my divorce, or the struggles the kids and I have endured because we're stronger for it. We are closer, and we are all so happy with our little blue cottage, our sleepy little town, and our family.

My only wish would be that my X would suffer a traumatic brain injury and get total amnesia, or get eaten by a Velociraptor. But since that doesn't look like it'll happen I'll just have to fight him through legal means. Not fun, but necessary. I have faith that we'll all be OK in the end.... we just might need to lean on friends and cry on a few shoulders as we go.

Thank God Ethel and BLT excel at the supporting and hand holding thing... whew... what would I do without them?

About Me

There are many words to describe me. Survivor, Mother, Daughter, Lover. I'm engaged to an amazing man and exploring this second chance at happiness. I have four kids, two dogs, and one restraining order on my psychotic ex-husband. This is my place to be honest with myself and work through my multitude of issues. Grab a cuppa' Joe and stay awhile. There's more to me than meets the eye.

Followers

Cast of Characters

You'll often hear me refer to the following people in my life:

BLT: The Fiance'- a guitar player, artist, and all around freaking hot as hell man in my life. I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be honest. Good lord I hope he doesn't wise up and figure out he can do better!

Ethel: My best friend since childhood. She is the Ethel to my Lucy, and we get into rediculous and crazy spots together. Her patience with me is legendary. She should be sainted.

Chef: My oldest child - and an amazing cook, a teenage Paula Dean! This one has goals for the future that include the Air Force and Medical School.

Lady Bug: My second child. Very sweet, but very dramatic and a bit flakey. A lover of music, glitter and small animals.

TNT: My loud, willfull, and emotional third child. A lot of bang in a tiny package. Broken bones aren't uncommon. There is just too much energy and not enough healthy fear in this one!

Monkey Pants: The baby of the family. We know we spoil her... none of us can help it. She counts on those big doe eyes to keep her out of trouble. Sometimes it even works!

Fraggle: BLT's toddler. We hope to all be a family soon when Fraggle comes to live with us. Crazy curls and and an absolute show off in a tutu make her one of a kind.

X: The ex husband who is the major headache in my life. Released from jail after only 19 months for trying to shoot me... he is now doing everything possible to cause me grief through the courts while just barely toeing the line and not violating my restraining order. My daily prayers that he be eatten by rabid animals have gone unanswered.