tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35875552827763586982018-02-14T02:20:36.630-06:00My Lips are RedSometimes, you have to give life some lipstick and tell it to kiss your ass.Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.comBlogger276125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-88866161743155199852015-11-30T18:09:00.001-06:002015-11-30T18:09:15.104-06:00The thing I remember about my Grandpa ArtMy grandpa Art died today at the age of 99.&nbsp; I called him a time traveler.&nbsp;<br /><br />The thing that comes to me when I think about him is faith. <br /><br />He had enormous faith.<br /><br />Faith that if you put seeds to the earth and added water and tending, plants would rise up. <br /><br />Faith that if you sat patiently enough and set the hook correctly you would bring home fish for dinner.<br /><br />Faith that wood and nails could be sculpted into a table or a shelf or a swing.&nbsp; <br /><br />And an unwavering faith in God.&nbsp; Faith that God would provide and God would show the way.&nbsp; I never knew anyone else who held such faith in their beliefs.&nbsp; His faith was something that was a part of him.&nbsp; It was simply understood that my Grandfather placed his trust in Jesus and believed that all would be well.<br /><br />He's been trying so hard to find his way to the other side over the last few weeks.&nbsp; Last night, my mother was decorating her house for Christmas and talking to my late Grandma Ruth.<br /><br />"Ruth, we need a little help down here.&nbsp; He's trying so hard but I don't think he knows the way.&nbsp; Please help him. We love him so much and he's working so hard."<br /><br />And she came to get him.<br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-21070207281706796682015-10-01T20:11:00.001-05:002015-10-01T20:23:04.550-05:00I'm going to spew my opinionSo, once again Planned Parenthood is facing being defunded by the government.&nbsp; There are conservative lawmakers that don't like Planned Parenthood and want to stop them from receiving reimbursement funds from treated women using Medicaid.<br /><br />Why don't they like Planned Parenthood?&nbsp; They say it's abortion services.&nbsp; They dismiss the fact that PP offers a LOT more than pregnancy termination.<br /><br />Planned Parenthood is an easy target to make an example out of for a pro-life politician looking to move up.&nbsp; And they don't have to feel bad about denying access to health services to anyone because the women they're impacting are women who have sex.<br /><br />Women who aren't married who are going to have sex with multiple partners.&nbsp; Women who are married but don't want to have babies.&nbsp; Young women who aren't going to tell their moms.&nbsp; Women who want to have sex and want to stay healthy while having sex go to Planned Parenthood.<br /><br />These women aren't deserving of easy access to anyone who can help them control their reproductive cycle and keep them healthy.&nbsp; Women who have sex should be ashamed.&nbsp; Ashamed and humiliated and accept the title of "whore" and "slut" and slap a red letter "A" on their blouses so everyone can see what a harlot they have become.<br /><br />The underlying tone of these proceedings is that women should not need birth control or abortion, they should keep their legs closed until marriage and then have as many babies as God chooses to give them.&nbsp; (Ironically, Planned Parenthood is happy to help you with prenatal care to make sure you have a healthy baby.)&nbsp; Planned Parenthood is encouraging women to have sex and have it without getting pregnant. <br /><br />Any misogynist would go after Planned Parenthood with a vengeance.&nbsp; Because women aren't supposed to actually HAVE sex.&nbsp; Women have been sexualized for centuries.&nbsp; What we're seeing now is the craziness that is starting to get attention.<br /><br />Young women and girls in schools are being told that their bodies are distracting to boys so they need to cover up.<br /><br />The message is essentially this:&nbsp; The boys are distracted by your tits.&nbsp; And it's your fault because you're the one with tits.&nbsp; If you didn't have them we wouldn't have this problem so you need to cover up. No, we're not going to tell him to learn to focus and have respect, he's not the one with tits.<br /><br />We live in a culture where when a woman is raped, she's told it's her fault.&nbsp; Was she drunk? Why did she go to his room?&nbsp; Why did she drink so much?&nbsp; Why did she go home with him if she didn't want to have sex?&nbsp; Wasn't she sending a mixed message?<br /><br />When Charlie Sheen had the police called on him by an adult film actress as he'd shoved her around and thrown her stuff all over the room, the question everyone asked her was if she was there to trade sex for money.&nbsp; If she was, then that was a business transaction and he still was in the wrong to shove her around.&nbsp; She and her attorney were interviewed by George Stephanopolous on Good Morning America.&nbsp; He pressed the issue saying "Because if she was it says something about your client."&nbsp; In other words:&nbsp; Your client is a dirty whore who had it coming. &nbsp; <br /><br />It's goes even deeper than that.&nbsp; When girls as young as 12 are arrested for prostitution in certain states, they are not taken into the foster care system where they can get off the streets. They're processed like any other woman selling herself and is tossed back out for her pimp to pick up. Even a CHILD who takes money for sex, which cannot possibly be her choice, is seen as a nasty whore.<br /><br />I recently read a book about a string of prostitute murders on Long Island in the last 5 years.&nbsp; Nobody really cared because these women took money in exchange for sex.&nbsp; Women who take money for sex are disposable.&nbsp; They're raped and killed and tossed along the sides of the road like trash, because that's how they're seen, as trash.&nbsp; <br /><br />How many child molesters are given probation on a first offense?&nbsp; Of course, it's the first reported offense, not the first first offense.<br /><br />It's a general disrespect and, frankly, disgust for women that is held by a chunk of society.&nbsp; And women do it too.&nbsp; Women have GOT to stop calling each other 'slut' and 'whore', it just hurts all of us.<br /><br />Sorry if this didn't make much sense.&nbsp; I'm kinda pissed.&nbsp; Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-48989766579528731002015-08-05T18:58:00.002-05:002015-08-05T21:00:25.963-05:00My job, I didn't lose it, I still know where it is but there's some other guy there doing it - Bobcat GoldthwaitAs Bobcat said, I know where my family is, there's just someone else there doing it. It's been that way since I moved out.&nbsp; I relocated, and another woman has been there every time I go to see my kids.<br /><br />It's reminding me of how the actor playing Darren on "Bewitched" changed with no explanation.&nbsp; It's like I punched out and she punched in to take over laundry, dishes, serving dinner at the table and making home repairs.<br /><br />Like it's not bad enough there's another woman involved at all.&nbsp; And has been involved for a very long time.&nbsp; I get to show up twice a week and be reminded that someone else took over my family after I fucked it up so badly.&nbsp; Not that I made the mess all by myself, but that's another story.<br /><br />I've been having a lot of mixed emotions about my situation the last several weeks.&nbsp; I don't want to be jealous of my ex and everything she's given him and my children, but I am.&nbsp;<br /><br />The kids went to visit their paternal grandparents for two weeks.&nbsp; When I arrived to pick them up after they'd returned, I saw that all the house windows had been replaced with dual pane jobbers.&nbsp; Something I'd wanted for a long time, but we'd never had the funds to make that happen.&nbsp;<br /><br />So, here I am, working 9 to 11 hours a day, on my feet, in a kitchen which leaves me tired all the time.&nbsp; I miss my kids desperately and I'm too tired to play with them when I see them during the week.&nbsp; I see them 6 hours a week when they don't spend the weekend with me but they're with their dad's girlfriend all day when school is out.&nbsp;<br /><br />She took them shopping for birthday gifts for their dad, but they didn't even know it was my birthday until I told them the morning of.&nbsp;<br /><br />I've been summarily dismissed.&nbsp;<br /><br />I was at work today, filling rice bowls and thinking about how much Christmas is going to suck this year.&nbsp; My kids are going to get some extravagant gift from her and their dad, while I'll be giving them something inexpensive or something I made.&nbsp; They'll hug their new mom, tell her she's the best and shrug off the sad little stuff they got from me.&nbsp; <br /><br />And all of a sudden, I had the very clear understanding of why some parents choose to move away and do the long-distance parent thing.&nbsp; It hurts so much to see them with someone else.&nbsp; If I relocated, there wouldn't be anymore back and forthing.&nbsp; They could be in one place all week long.&nbsp; They wouldn't have to tell their friends "I have to go to my mom's now."&nbsp; or "I can't sleep over I'm going to my mom's tonight."&nbsp; They wouldn't have to listen to me tell them I can't afford to get them earbuds or another Xbox game.&nbsp;<br /><br />(I'm going to interject with a confession.&nbsp; I almost didn't move here.&nbsp; I almost stayed in California with my children.&nbsp; I realized last week that I should have listened to my instincts and stayed on the west coast.&nbsp;&nbsp; This entire venture was doomed from the start.&nbsp; Making that admission to myself was incredibly difficult.)<br /><br />Then my mind wandered off into thinking about&nbsp; the possibility of&nbsp; just leaving them to have their family and I wouldn't have to watch.&nbsp; I wouldn't have to&nbsp; be reminded of my massive failure.<br /><br />So,&nbsp; on my break, I took to Facebook and said "I'm having a particularly difficult time dealing with the divorce today. It's one of those days where I wonder if it wouldn't be easier if I removed my self from the picture. Then they could be a family but I wouldn't have to watch."<br /><br />There was an outpouring of wonderful comments, messages and texts from many people in my life, for which I am very, very grateful.&nbsp; It brought me back into a better head space and I was able to go along with my afternoon with my children.&nbsp; They brought a couple of friends with them to my place.&nbsp; We had a nice swim and a nice dinner and a generally nice time.<br /><br />My son still asks to go "home", when he gets tired.&nbsp; They'll come stay with me this weekend for the first time in almost a month (the trip to see their grandparents ate up two of my weekend and then the four of them went to an anime convention in San Antonio the weekend after they got back) and I know I'll have to deal with that.&nbsp;<br /><br />I'm still very sad, but I'm getting myself prepared to be hopeful.&nbsp; <br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-19116379300031264042015-07-26T18:48:00.002-05:002015-07-26T19:20:10.168-05:00It's been a Harper Lee themed weekI got the new book <i>Go Set a Watchman,</i> by Harper Lee for my birthday.&nbsp; I got 20 pages into it, got mad and had to put it down for a few days.&nbsp; I had to come back to it with a more intellectual approach and understanding that this was a first draft of a first book.<br /><br />It is definitively NOT <i>To Kill a Mockingbird.</i> But what in this world is?&nbsp; Still, the writing is crisp.&nbsp; The attempt to make her point is very heavy handed and required me going back and re-reading, trying to understand what she was trying to communicate.&nbsp; And I'm a smart cookie.&nbsp; I ended up having to look up facts about the constitution to try and grasp what it was she was trying to tell me.<br /><br />There are glimpses of the writing I knew in <i>Mockingbird</i>, which I thrilled to see.&nbsp; <br /><br />After finishing it, I decided to go back and re-read <i>To Kill&nbsp; a Mockingbird</i>. This book changed my life.&nbsp; I could go on for days about it, but I'll suffice it to say that I enjoyed re-discovering it after a few years of not touching that particular volume. It still reads like the wind to me.&nbsp; Reads like the wind, paints pictures, engages me and still makes my mind boggle at the unfairness in the world and the importance of doing the right thing despite what society's rules tell us.&nbsp; <br /><br />This Saturday, the Paramount theater in downtown Austin had a screening of the film version.&nbsp; Joel and I went to check it out as we're both big fans.&nbsp; The person who coordinates the programming for the summer film schedule made a short speech before the movie.&nbsp; He told us that Rock Hudson was the person the studio wanted to play Atticus.&nbsp; I said out loud "Oh, that would have been soooo wrong."&nbsp; How could anyone but Gregory Peck play Atticus Finch?&nbsp; <br /><br />I expected to enjoy the movie but I didn't expect to cry.&nbsp; I didn't expect tears to come running out of my eyeballs when Scout says "Hey Boo."&nbsp; or when Tom Robinson was testifying or when Mayella Ewell flew into hysterics because she thinks she being made fun of when a man is being polite to her.&nbsp; <br /><br />I wasn't the only one. There was a great deal of sniffing and rustling of napkins.&nbsp;&nbsp; Joel and I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around South Congress having sodas from Big Top Candy and discussing the movie.&nbsp; We got off on a tangent about what makes a person trashy while talking about the Ewell family. <br /><br />What does make a person trashy?&nbsp; It's not income, because I've known people who have tons of money but have a trashiness about them.&nbsp; It's not appearance.&nbsp; I work with a woman who is missing one of her front teeth and has a couple crude tattoos, but she has a distinct level of class about her. <br /><br />It's this odd, intangible concept much like charisma.&nbsp; I haven't been able to put my finger on it.&nbsp; Do you have any ideas?<br /><br />We also wondered if there's a new movie version of <i>To Kill a Mockingbird</i> in the works.&nbsp; He asked me who I thought should play Atticus if they should make the horrid mistake of remaking the film.&nbsp; I thought a minute and answered Daniel Day Lewis, although I don't know that anyone could do the part justice. &nbsp; <br /><br />I will say, all this submersing myself in southern gothic literature and film has kept me distracted from the fact that my 25th wedding anniversary would have been this week.&nbsp; It also helped that I completed a new painting, am finishing up one I started a while back and I've got the background to a third washed in already.<br /><br />Meanwhile, my children have returned from their two weeks with their grandparents in North Carolina and I'll see them tomorrow for the first time in sixteen days.<br /><br />Macaroni and cheese in on the menu.<br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-26008395494248604092015-06-28T12:09:00.002-05:002015-06-28T12:09:42.234-05:00Yeah, I haven't updated in a long timeI haven't updated in a while.&nbsp; Frankly, I've been depressed and don't want to whine at everybody.<br /><br />But, here's what happening with me. I've been wallowing around in a couple of the seven deadly sins.<br /><br />Envy.&nbsp; Oh, yes.&nbsp; Envy and I are very familiar with each other.&nbsp; I don't think it's an accident that my favorite color is green.&nbsp; I've been very envious of the ex-husband.<br /><br />Firstly, my children&nbsp; have a stepmother already.&nbsp; They're not married and I don't know if there are plans for that step to be taken.&nbsp; However, the Monday after I moved out she was in the house cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and serving dinner at the table.&nbsp; When I pick up my children she's there.&nbsp; She's spending more time with my kids than I do.<br /><br />The ex was out of work from the end of January until the beginning of June.&nbsp; During his time of unemployment, she paid their bills.&nbsp; His car died.&nbsp; She bought a BMW for him to drive.&nbsp; The first thing my daughter said about it was that legally it belonged to their dad's girlfriend but they got to drive it.<br /><br />Since the beginning of the year, the ex and the new (well, old really.&nbsp; She's been his girlfriend for a long time) girlfriend have been on four out of town trips and she produced his album. &nbsp; The last trip was with the kids to Houston for a Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror convention where they played a concert. <br /><br />My parents are helping me out with my rent, yes.&nbsp; And without them I'd be renting a room with nowhere for my kids to visit me.&nbsp; I'd be reduced to seeing them at McDonald's twice a week.&nbsp; <br /><br />I have a place for them to come stay with me, but I have to tell them no a LOT.&nbsp; I have to explain that I don't have any money.&nbsp; I can't do things for them the way I want to.&nbsp; Once I start paying child support, I will qualify for food stamps.&nbsp; I really need a new car, but that's not going to happen for a while.&nbsp; When I need repairs I'll end up being like Baby in Dirty Dancing and going to my daddy.&nbsp; Again. I'm going to be donating plasma in exchange for money again starting this week.<br /><br />Jealousy for the ex's situation is part of my life. <br /><br />Let's discuss my birthday.&nbsp; I have a freak out before my birthday every year because nothing happens on my birthday.&nbsp; One of the bones of contention between the ex and I was that he'd never given me a birthday party where I had tossed him several.<br /><br />I stopped celebrating my birthday for six years because I was so sick of getting my feelings hurt when I got a "Oh, happy birthday." from him.&nbsp; I got a birthday present from my good friend, Chris (she's in the cast of characters), last year.&nbsp; That was the only birthday gift I'd gotten in years.<br /><br />I've tried to toss birthday celebrations for myself to so-so success.&nbsp; For my fortieth, I was in California with the kids and I invited a bunch of people to have dinner with me at the Napa Rose in Downtown Disney.&nbsp; To my great surprise, sixteen of us had a grand time.&nbsp; In my previous attempts I got lots of "I don't know, maybe.&nbsp; I might have something going on that day."<br /><br />I have a tendency to equate gifts with feelings of love and affection and friendship.&nbsp; Earlier this year, a person I'm acquainted with got on Facebook to say that she was going to be evicted from her apartment, her car was going to be repossessed and her electric was going to be shut off so she had a GoFundMe going.&nbsp; She couched this in the context that her "film company" was going to lose it's space.&nbsp; Her film company is her and some friends who make movies for Youtube that don't make any money.&nbsp; She works on and off.&nbsp; And she's done this before, gotten in financial trouble and asked her friends for money to bail her out.<br /><br />She gets it.&nbsp; People gave her money.&nbsp; Like they have before, they gave her money. Therefore, they love her.&nbsp; Because that's what you do for people you love.&nbsp; I mentioned this theory to a friend of mine who is also acquainted with said woman.<br /><br />My friend's response?&nbsp; "Jesus, Amanda, they feel sorry for her."&nbsp; Then I started giving myself a bunch of negative self-talk for even having feelings about it. <br /><br />Negative talk leads to depression with leads to:<br /><br />Sloth.<br /><br />I watch a lot of TV. I eat a lot of junk food.&nbsp; I let the housework go. I get the laundry done but I don't put it away.&nbsp; I play games on my phone.<br /><br />Sloth.&nbsp; Slot and I are good friends.&nbsp; We understand each other, sloth and I.<br /><br />And then there's the good stuff going on.<br /><br />My daughter is handling things beautifully.&nbsp; She likes to come to my house. She has friends who have divorced parents she can talk to.<br /><br />I have a job.&nbsp; I can do it with my eyes rolled back in my head.&nbsp; With all the stress in my personal life, this is a good thing.&nbsp; I have weekends off and health insurance.<br /><br />I'm painting.&nbsp; As much as my budget allows for canvases, I'm painting.&nbsp; My new friend, Joel, convinced me to get some size going.&nbsp; I'm working with as big a canvas as I can fit in my car.&nbsp; I've done some of my best work in the last five months.&nbsp; Currently, I'm into elephants and balloons.<br /><br />And I'm seeing someone.&nbsp; He writes me poetry.&nbsp; <br /><br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-78781935314199862692015-04-19T16:04:00.000-05:002015-04-19T16:04:42.905-05:00That which pushes me to tears every single timeAs you all know, I have a great deal going on in my life right now.&nbsp; I'm fully aware that I'm doing a great deal of denying of feelings, stuffing, ignoring and otherwise not dealing with emotions I have going on right now.&nbsp;<br /><br />I'm spending a lot of time with friends, keeping myself distracted.&nbsp; I'm painting.&nbsp; I'm sleeping too much.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm doing all this emotional denial and then I'll crack to pieces over issues with my health&nbsp; insurance.<br /><br />I'm grateful to have health insurance at all.&nbsp; Having none would be a lot worse.&nbsp; But, the incredible amount of stress that has gone along with getting coverage started and then navigating the various obstacles the company has tossed in my way has pushed me over into crying fits several times.<br /><br />First, just getting coverage was a toughie.&nbsp; I had to fax proof of dependents.&nbsp; Then I had to fax proof that we were not covered.&nbsp; The company then made our eligibility date retro active.&nbsp; They charged us for coverage we were eligible in the past.&nbsp; Since they had not received the premium for this coverage, they charged me 1 and 1/2 times that much over 3 of my paychecks.&nbsp; None of this was disclosed to me and since I don't have a Tardis or a souped up Delorean, it was impossible for me to take advantage of the benefits I was charged for.&nbsp; They validate this charge by stating we could submit receipts for any doctor's visits we had during the time we weren't covered.&nbsp;<br /><br />So, I get through all that.&nbsp; The premiums settle into what they are going to be for the rest of the time I'm with this company.&nbsp; Then, we move into prescription coverage.&nbsp; The top tier antidepressant that works for me isn't something the company wants to cover.&nbsp; They want me to be on something generic or have preauthorization from my doctor.&nbsp; I spent over 90 minutes on the phone with my doctor's office, the pharmacy and the insurance company.&nbsp; The preauthorization finally (after almost 3 weeks) arrived in the mail this week.<br /><br />In addition to the authorization I was waiting on, I got a couple of letters from my prescription coverage stating that if I didn't go with picking up a 90 day supply of my 'scrips at a time, I would have to pay full retail.&nbsp; This involves me calling my pharmacy, telling them I need the 90 day supply.&nbsp; Then they call my doctor to get approval of a 90 day supply.<br /><br />If my doc refuses to give me 90 days at a time, I'm SOL.&nbsp; I have to pay close to $400 a month out of pocket.&nbsp; Or I have to swap medication or swap to a doctor that will allow me 90 days at a time.<br /><br />This bullshit, THIS sends me into crying hysterics.&nbsp; I'm able to hold it together through everything else, but dealing with my insurance company reduces me to the emotional equivalent of a tired, over-stimulated 2 year old that has been denied a cookie.<br /><br />Thank goodness I have tissues.<br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-37937980421655820842015-03-30T20:31:00.001-05:002015-03-30T20:31:13.943-05:00March 30thOn the 15th of March, I had only smoked one cigarette.&nbsp; The following 15 days were filled with nervousness, anxiousness, pacing, walks and a general sense that something was missing as I dealt with nicotine leaving my system.<br /><br />This was not my first experience with quitting smoking.&nbsp; This time around I was smoking 5 packs a week.&nbsp; I cut down to 1 cigarette a day.&nbsp; <br /><br />One.&nbsp; Some days I didn't have any. <br /><br />I had to select the time of day very carefully. If I indulged in the morning with my coffee, it was enjoyable, but then I had the rest of the day to think about not smoking.&nbsp; If I told myself I could have one before bed, I could likely get through without having any nicotine at all.&nbsp;<br /><br />I felt that if I could get myself off the American Spirits there were many other things that would fall into place for me.&nbsp; Whether this was true or if it would be self fulfilling prophecy, I didn't know.&nbsp; Did it really matter?&nbsp;<br /><br />As I was going through withdrawals, I wasn't sleeping particularly well.&nbsp; When I did sleep I had bad dreams.&nbsp; By Friday the 27th, I was exhausted.&nbsp; I cut my visit short with my kids that night and went home to rest.&nbsp; I was unbelievably grateful that I was able to get a nap.&nbsp; <br /><br />The following Sunday, I took them to the last day of the local renaissance faire.&nbsp; My children were 3rd generation faire goers and this was our 3rd trek to this particular one.&nbsp; These trips were bittersweet for me.&nbsp; Scott and I had gone to a lot of faires a lot of time with a lot of friends and I had a lot of good memories.&nbsp;<br /><br />Riding on the big swing with my friends Stephanie, Kathye and Susi, kicking our feet and holding our arms up, turning my face up to the sun and feeling the breeze in my hair while I laughed with my friends.&nbsp; Scott and I smooching on the kissing bridge. Discovering new artists and collecting their work each year. Getting drunk by noon and then laying down in the deep shade by the big pond for a nap.&nbsp; Playing tug of war with thirty other people, no one having any investment in winning.&nbsp; Untying my bodice before getting in the car to go home and taking in a huge breath for the first time in hours.&nbsp; The wonderful feeling of showering off the layer of dust and sweat upon arriving home.&nbsp; Doing it all again the next weekend.&nbsp; <br /><br />Zoe and Will loved the faire.&nbsp; The one we attended was fairly small, with a large number of stages.&nbsp; This venue was very clear about the fact that they were a family friendly event.&nbsp; This was not a place to get sloppy drunk and publicly make out.&nbsp; (Although that did happen and I found it wonderfully amusing when it did.) They had their favorite shows and performers.&nbsp; They both ended up on stage in at least one show each time we attended.&nbsp; I took photos and posted them to Facebook.&nbsp; The performers thanked me for coming and I'd become Facebook friends with a few of them.&nbsp;<br /><br />It made me very happy that it was something I could do with them, a place where we could make memories.&nbsp; We always drove through Starbucks before driving there and stopped at Sonic on the way back.&nbsp; They each had their favorite things to do.&nbsp; Zoe liked to throw tomatoes at the insulter.&nbsp; Will liked to run through the kids maze while I timed him.&nbsp; (I did have to put a limit on how many times we could do this since it cost $2 for each run.)&nbsp; <br /><br />Then it came time to go to the car, get our Sonic snack on and drive them home.&nbsp; Then it was time for me to say goodbye to them again.&nbsp;<br /><br />I still thought "I'm walking out on my kids."&nbsp; every single time I told them goodbye.<br /><br />And I went home to get ready to start a new week. Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-49478530605351564402015-03-21T21:17:00.001-05:002015-03-21T21:17:59.447-05:00March 21stThe previous week had gone by somewhat uneventfully.&nbsp; I rose early.&nbsp; I went to work.&nbsp; I saw my children in the afternoons. I went to my place to sleep.<br /><br />I started on a new painting using bright orange and blues.&nbsp; A tree was taking form.&nbsp; I was pleased with the progress.<br /><br />On the 20th, I collected my kids and took them to my house to sleep over for the first time.&nbsp; Since my new home was an upstairs unit, I was somewhat paranoid about how heavily we stepped.<br /><br />A good friend of mine had lived in a situation where her downstairs neighbors would run upstairs and scream obscenities for any type of sound from their footsteps.&nbsp; My oversensitivity made me caution my son and daughter to take it easy on the floor, to not stomp or jump off the beds.&nbsp; My floors were wood and I wondered how loudly it was echoing down below.&nbsp; I really did try to relax and not worry about it.&nbsp; It wasn't like we were doing high impact aerobics, we were just walking around.&nbsp;<br /><br />We went to the grocery store for provisions and then tried to decide what to do at my house.<br /><br />I didn't have computers for them to play on.&nbsp; I did have an Xbox 360 that would play DVDs and games.&nbsp; My son had brought some games and proceeded to get himself involved in defeating enemies while I got some frozen pizza into the oven.&nbsp; My daughter drew pictures.<br /><br />We all ate the table and then tried to watch a movie together.&nbsp; My son was having a difficult time with the split.&nbsp; At least it seemed to me that he was doing some acting out.&nbsp; It appeared that he and his sister were fighting a lot more than they usually did.<br /><br />As I was an only child, I had no idea how much fighting was normal, let alone in this situation.&nbsp; He called her names.&nbsp; She bossed him around and found fault with everything he did.<br /><br />We DID watch a movie together, but I was tense trying to keep them from each other and worrying about how loud we were being.&nbsp; While we were viewing, I helped my son make various things out of aluminum foil.&nbsp; He really wanted a foil submarine, but neither his sister or I could figure out how to make it sink.&nbsp; Finally, about 10 o'clock, I said it was time to go to bed.&nbsp; <br /><br />Surprisingly, we all slept fine.&nbsp; My son said he put a dream in his head and went right to sleep.&nbsp; About an hour after we got up, he started to say he wanted to go home.&nbsp; It was only 9 o'clock and I was quite certain their dad wasn't up yet.&nbsp;<br /><br />I made the suggestion that we all go to a movie at 11 and then he could go home.<br /><br />And that's what we did.&nbsp; There was a part of me that wanted to tell him that it was the weekend he was supposed to stay with me.&nbsp; But, he needed to know that he could go to either house whenever he wanted to.&nbsp; Or, I was overthinking it and he was bored and wanted to play World of Warcraft.&nbsp; At any rate, my son went back to the house he lived in with his dad and my daughter stayed on with me for another night.<br /><br />We went shopping for small things I needed.&nbsp; We had some dinner, watched a couple of movies and played a game of Life.&nbsp; We didn't have the instructions so we made it up as we went along.&nbsp; I found that to be particularly appropriate. Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-1266424537690364422015-03-15T16:59:00.000-05:002015-03-15T16:59:05.789-05:00March 15thTen days had passed somewhat uneventfully.&nbsp; My dad and I had spent time with the kids.&nbsp;<br /><br />The weekend Scott was gone, my dad dealt with some repairs and deliveries at my place and I took the kids to the nearby renaissance faire.&nbsp; Scott and I had gone to faire a LOT in the early 90s.&nbsp; We had a huge group of friends we went with and I got in a moderate amount of trouble with my excellent friend Kathye.&nbsp; We drank too much, attracted a great deal of attention and generally had a fine old time.<br /><br />Going with my kids was different, but just as satisfying.&nbsp; The faire we attended was small, which made it easy to do everything in a day.&nbsp; The kids favorite things to do were watch shows involving animals and magic and to throw tomatoes at the man who shouted insults while you tried to hit him in the face with fruit.&nbsp;<br /><br />We caught the trained dog act, tossed some 'maters, ate some food and set off to wander. &nbsp; <br /><br />My son had decided he wanted to go steampunk.&nbsp; We'd put in some time and money to get his outfit ready.&nbsp; A couple hours into our day, he decided he felt stupid wearing it and wanted something different.&nbsp; He would not let up on the subject.&nbsp; All he would talk about was what he wanted to wear next time.&nbsp; He kept up a running monologue about how he didn't want to wear steampunk, he felt stupid and he wanted a shirt and a hat with a feather in it.&nbsp;<br /><br />I told him I was not going to make him a new costume and stop talking about it.&nbsp; He kept talking about it.&nbsp; I finally sat down in a pile of leaves I was so frustrated.&nbsp; Then he started to cry because I was upset and then I started to cry and my poor daughter sat there trying to make everyone feel better.<br /><br />We finally wiped our faces and went off to find something to do.&nbsp; Our day ended up being very good, but our drama in the middle of it made me cranky.<br /><br />The next day was wet and rainy.&nbsp; Since the dryer at the kids' house didn't work I took all of our laundry to my place.&nbsp; As the washer and dryer were doing their thing, I was surprised at how much I liked being alone.&nbsp; I liked the quiet.&nbsp; I liked how uncluttered it was.&nbsp; I missed my kids and kept expecting them to walk around the corner, but I was enjoying my time solo.<br /><br />It did surprise me.&nbsp; I thought I'd be sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it was okay.&nbsp; It was more than okay.<br /><br />Scott came home.&nbsp; My dad went back to California.&nbsp; I went back to my house.&nbsp; I took my pattern back up of going to work early in the morning, seeing the kids in the afternoon and coming back to my place after I'd gotten them dinner.&nbsp;<br /><br />I stocked my refrigerator with fruit, cheese, bread and Topo Chico waters.&nbsp; I made myself coffee in the mornings.&nbsp; I listened to a lot of music.&nbsp; I picked up after myself.&nbsp;<br /><br />On the 15th, I took the day to myself.&nbsp; I slept in.&nbsp; I had bread and goat cheese with fruit for breakfast.&nbsp; I took a nap.&nbsp; I got my laundry and chores done.&nbsp; I started on a new painting.&nbsp; I went to a movie with my good friend Chris.&nbsp;<br /><br />It looked like I was going to be okay.&nbsp; Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-1956872774590636692015-03-05T19:19:00.001-06:002015-03-06T05:27:26.520-06:00March 4th and 5thMarch 4th. <br /><br />My dad had offered to come visit while Scott was out of town to help me with the kids.&nbsp; I took him up on this.&nbsp; It meant he could get the kids to and from school, meaning I could work my regular hours instead of abbreviating them.&nbsp; It meant they wouldn't have to be on their own after school for any amount of time.<br /><br />It also meant my dad could meet the plumber at the new place to get a few things looked at that needed attention.&nbsp; I was grateful he was coming to lend a hand.&nbsp; <br /><br />The kids and I picked him up at the airport the night of the 4th.&nbsp; It was a VERY good thing he had come to visit when he did.&nbsp; The weather had turned very cold and icy rain was predicted that night.&nbsp; The school district had already cancelled school the next day.<br /><br />&nbsp;He collected his luggage and as he and I were putting it in the back of my car I turned to him.<br /><br />"Daddy?"&nbsp; I said.<br /><br />"Yeah honey?"<br /><br />"I'm really, really sorry."&nbsp; and I burst into tears.<br /><br />And my dad hugged me.&nbsp; I stopped crying and we went home.<br /><br />March 5th<br /><br />I was able to drive to work without any issue.&nbsp; The anticipated precipitation hadn't happened, so the streets weren't frozen.&nbsp; I'd started to experience work as something of an escape.&nbsp; I was good at my job.&nbsp; I was a good prep chef.&nbsp; I liked my job and the woman I worked for.&nbsp; I liked my coworkers, who continued to surprise me with small gestures of goodwill.<br /><br />When I had stayed home with Will, one of the women I worked with came up to me the next day.<br /><br />"Oh, there you are!&nbsp; I was asking yesterday 'Where is Amanda?'&nbsp; It's good to have you back." <br /><br />Another woman, who didn't speak English very well, but it was better than my Spanish, would give me little pats on the back every now and then.&nbsp; One of the cashiers regularly asked how I was doing with everything going on.&nbsp; It was a nice thing, to know they were giving me good vibes.<br /><br />I worked my normal hours, 6:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.&nbsp; I liked this schedule because I was done in time to visit with the kids and get their dinner together while I got a solid 40 hours a week, if not a little overtime.<br /><br />Scott was in San Francisco attending the Game Developers Conference, but was getting ready to go to another hotel in San Jose to attend a music convention. He and I had gone to these together until we had kids.&nbsp; In the last 13 years I had been to fewer than 5, while he still attended 2 or 3 a year.&nbsp;<br />When he and I had separated in 2013 it became clear that the friends we had made through these gatherings were going to be his friends and not mine anymore.&nbsp; I knew that there was a division of friends when couples split, but it didn't make me feel any better when I realized there were people I loved I wouldn't speak to again.&nbsp; <br /><br />At some point, his friend had started to tag along to the conventions and was now his regular traveling companion to these things.&nbsp; And, frankly, he hadn't wanted me to go along with him for years.&nbsp; <br /><br />So, Scott was gone for a week with the woman that was effectively his girlfriend. The same one that paid for all these trips they took together.&nbsp; I had no idea how to refer to her.&nbsp; Friend?&nbsp; Girlfriend?&nbsp; I didn't know. &nbsp; <br /><br />Probably girlfriend.&nbsp; Part of me wanted to put that label on it and part of me didn't want to make assumptions.<br /><br />But, the photo he'd posted of himself with her kissing the side of his face slammed me in the heart like I'd been punched.&nbsp; Slammed me in a way I didn't want it to.&nbsp;<br /><br />I didn't want to be hurt.&nbsp; I didn't want it to sting. I didn't want to feel dumb because I'd finally realized they'd been involved for a long time.&nbsp; I didn't want to feel stupid for telling myself they'd just been friends all the years there was evidence to the contrary in front of my face. &nbsp; I didn't want to feel jealous that he had a companion all ready to go and I was just by myself. I didn't want to be resentful that she took him for weekends out of town, had been taking him for weekends out of town for half a decade. <br /><br />But I was.&nbsp; I was all of those things.&nbsp; <br /><br />Then my brain went into the dark place it likes to go.&nbsp;<br /><br />I started thinking about how he'd be having fun with people I didn't get to be friends with anymore.&nbsp;<br />&nbsp;I wondered what he'd say to them about me and how this was all my fault. I wondered how they'd nod vehemently and agree. I worried about how that would get filtered and passed around and filtered and passed around again.&nbsp;<br /><br />I convinced myself that everyone would tell him "I'm so glad you got away from that bitch."<br /><br />I sat there and cried about everything I didn't have. &nbsp; <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-38688733162264335802015-03-03T06:15:00.000-06:002015-03-03T06:15:32.319-06:00March 2nd.I spent the day with my son at his house.&nbsp; Scott had left that morning for a week long trip to California.&nbsp; The first half would be spent attending a video game industry convention, job searching.&nbsp; The rest would be spent at a music convention, where he would be releasing his new album.<br /><br />I spent most of the day dealing with depression that threatened to crush my soul.&nbsp; All the old resentments and jealously about the trips that Scott got to take, that his friend paid for, were sitting on my chest like a horrible, heavy snake.<br /><br />No one, except my parents, had ever paid for me to go anywhere.&nbsp; Scott took upwards of 5 trips a year, all funded by his friend.&nbsp; I stayed home.&nbsp; I stayed home and felt angry, jealous, resentful and trying to talk myself out of feeling angry, jealous and resentful.&nbsp; <br /><br />I kept thinking about what a bad wife I'd been.&nbsp; And now I was the person who was breaking up my children's home.&nbsp; Being in the house where I didn't live anymore made me horrifically sad.&nbsp; <br /><br />My father was going to be arriving on the 4th to help me with the kids.&nbsp; The house was in no shape for guests, but I couldn't gather the energy to even pick up.&nbsp; The most I could manage was to unload and reload the dishwasher.<br /><br />I sat on the couch, watching television with my son and counting the minutes until I could go to bed and sleep.<br /><br />That's all I wanted to do.&nbsp; Sleep.&nbsp; Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-11621653328211741082015-03-02T08:46:00.001-06:002015-03-02T08:46:25.274-06:00February 24th through March 1stThe first week of my being on my own was pleasing, frightening, frustrating, depressing and any number of other emotions that were globbed together.<br /><br />I suspected I was denying quite a few of these feelings, that I was numbing myself out.&nbsp; I imagined there was a very big, very unsatisfying cry in my future.&nbsp;<br /><br />The actual move went smoothly.&nbsp; I did most of it by myself.&nbsp; I had been able to purchase a table and chairs and a coffee table at garage sales.&nbsp; My good friend, Chris, helped me move a desk I planned to use as a vanity.&nbsp; My other good friend, Joe, helped me move the loveseat.&nbsp;<br /><br />When he came to help me move my biggest piece of furniture, my son was in distress as his sister had been pushing his buttons for half an hour.&nbsp; He was tired.&nbsp; At one point he'd curled up on the couch and put his thumb in his mouth.&nbsp; Based on the research I'd done, his behavior was normal but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.<br /><br />Again, when I left to go to my home, I thought "I'm walking out on my kids again."&nbsp;<br /><br />The first week of visiting the kids after I was done with work was awkward and strange.&nbsp; It was made stranger by the fact that Scott's best friend, female, was in the house at the same time.&nbsp; She was changing beds, making home improvements and generally taking care of the house.&nbsp; While I knew she had my children's best interests at heart and wouldn't say bad things about me to them, it still made me uncomfortable.&nbsp; I later asked Scott that when I was visiting she not be there.&nbsp; I wanted my time with my kids to myself.&nbsp; He agreed to do everything he could to accommodate my request, which made me very grateful.<br /><br />When I wasn't spending time with the kids, I was battling depression.&nbsp; A friend of mine told me the first couple of months would be very lonely, but it got easier with time.&nbsp; All I wanted to do was sleep or read, generally falling asleep reading.<br /><br />I was waiting for the new appliances to be delivered.&nbsp; I didn't have a refrigerator, so I had fruit and chocolate in the house. I ate at work and snacked at home.&nbsp;<br /><br />There were some definitive differences in my day to day.&nbsp; I still rose early to be at work by 6:30.&nbsp; But, I was taking a shower every evening.&nbsp; I was picking up after myself.&nbsp; This was a much easier task since it was just me and I wasn't doing any cooking.&nbsp;<br /><br />I was also struggling trying to get a plumber out to look at the washing machine, which wasn't working.&nbsp; It wasn't an issue since there was a laundromat close by and my laundry needs weren't huge. <br /><br />Then there was dealing with the benefits department of the company where I worked.&nbsp; Trying to get everyone enrolled was a chore.&nbsp; Not only did I have to call the benefits line twice to get the necessary paperwork emailed to me, I had to call to verify it had been received and ask that it be forwarded on to the next department.&nbsp; Then I had to wait for contact from the company that would need documentation that my dependents were actually my dependents.&nbsp; Then there was calling to verify that paperwork was received and finally calling the insurance company to be sure the benefits had been activated.&nbsp; After all of that, an additional 100 dollars was deducted from my paycheck than what I had been quoted.&nbsp; Apparently, the activation date was the 1st of February.&nbsp; As that fee had not been paid, 1 and 1/2 times that amount would have to come out of my pay, spread out over 2 checks.&nbsp; This was a chunk of change for me.&nbsp; None of this had been disclosed to me.&nbsp; I complained that I was being charged for benefits I had not been able to access.&nbsp; I had specifically NOT used any medical services because I didn't have insurance.&nbsp; I had filled prescriptions, paying a huge amount out of pocket.&nbsp; The pharmacy told me I'd go through my company to be reimbursed for the difference and my company told me I would go through the pharmacy.&nbsp; I saw that money flying away.<br /><br />This finally drove me to tears.&nbsp; I took out my frustration on the poor woman who explained all this to me.<br /><br />Starting on the 2nd, Scott was leaving town for a week and I would be parenting full time.&nbsp; This meant massaging my work hours so I could get the kids off to school.&nbsp; It also eliminated any possibility of extra hours.&nbsp; Even an hour of overtime was a big help to my budget.<br /><br />Then, Sunday the 1st, my son started to throw up.&nbsp; He couldn't go to school the next day.&nbsp; He had to be nausea free for 24 hours before he could go back in the building.&nbsp; Since he dad was leaving the morning of the 2nd, I had to take a day off work to stay home with him.<br /><br />This distressed me as I desperately needed my job.&nbsp; I didn't want any concerns of any kind in my boss's brain.&nbsp; With my new situation, I was somewhat paranoid.&nbsp;<br /><br />And so, the second week of my new life started.&nbsp; Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-35672901827211724952015-02-23T21:34:00.002-06:002015-02-23T21:34:28.397-06:00February 22ndThe 22nd was cold and drizzly.<br /><br />It was my second day of moving my things.&nbsp; When I got up I realized I'd have to wear the same clothes I'd worn the day before since I'd moved all my clothes to the new place. I dragged on my grubbies and got ready to keep on.<br /><br />On the first trip of the day, my 13 year old daughter came with me.&nbsp; She helped me carry some things in and then set to work hanging artwork.<br /><br />She would move things around and then say "I'm feeling this here."&nbsp; Then she'd fetch a couple of push pins to hang whatever she was placing.<br /><br />When we were done I took her back home and I put more things in the car.&nbsp; My good friend Chris was going to come help me in the afternoon with one of my 3 pieces of furniture.&nbsp; I filled the time packing up containers, putting them in the car, moving them, emptying them and repeating the process.<br /><br />While I was carrying my dresser drawers out, a couple of my son's friends were walking by.&nbsp; One of them yelled "Hey, what are you doing?"&nbsp;<br /><br />"I"m moving."&nbsp; I called back.<br /><br />"Why?"&nbsp; she asked me.<br /><br />"Um, because I am."&nbsp; I had no idea how to answer that.&nbsp;<br /><br />"Yeah, Will told us about it.&nbsp; I'm sorry."&nbsp;<br /><br />I was flabbergasted.&nbsp; This was the second child who had told me they were sorry.&nbsp; One of my daughter's best friends had said almost the same thing to me the day before.&nbsp; I had no idea what to say to them.&nbsp; I just thanked them.<br /><br />My friend arrived and we were able to take the small desk I'd be using as a vanity over in her car.&nbsp; There was a surprising amount of space in the back of her little SUV.&nbsp; She offered to help me with the other 2 pieces later in the week.&nbsp; I accepted readily.&nbsp; I needed all the help I could get.&nbsp; <br /><br />Once I had completed my trips for the day, I asked Scott if he would come help me with my router.&nbsp; I had internet service set up to start that day, but I didn't know how to set up the actual equipment.&nbsp; We'd take the kids and I'd buy everyone dinner afterwards.<br /><br />The whole weekend had been uncomfortable for me.&nbsp; Having the kids' dad in my new place was even more uncomfortable, I think for both of us.&nbsp; The kids ran around while he got me online.&nbsp; I thanked him and we went for something to eat.<br /><br />After I delivered them back home, I loaded up one more time and got ready to go.<br /><br />I kissed both the kids goodnight and headed out the door.<br /><br />I'd created a fantasy where Scott and I would hug goodbye and cry and ask each other how we'd gotten here.&nbsp; Of course, that didn't happen.&nbsp;&nbsp; I told my children I'd see them the next day and I left.<br /><br />I drove to my new house, to live by myself for the first time, thinking "I just walked out on my children."&nbsp;<br /><br />Once I was inside I got myself busy putting things away.&nbsp; I was listening to a Pandora station while I sorted stuff out.&nbsp; Then Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" played.&nbsp; I found myself standing in my new bathroom crying.&nbsp; Not sobbing.&nbsp; Not yelling. Just standing there with tears running down my face.<br /><br />I stopped for the night. I took a shower.&nbsp; I got into bed.<br /><br />Eventually, I slept.&nbsp;&nbsp; Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-89546619245123001352015-02-22T09:36:00.001-06:002015-02-23T21:36:01.364-06:00February 21stI stood in my new apartment.&nbsp; Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a tiny kitchen and a living/dining room completed the space I would be occupying. <br /><br />It had really lovely wood floors, new tiling in the bathrooms and a fireplace I couldn't use because there wasn't a hearth, just the wood floor.&nbsp; But, I could put candles in it. New appliances were going to be delivered the next week. It wasn't huge, but it was perfect for what I needed.&nbsp; <br /><br />I'd labored by myself for the day, filling plastic containers, moving them, emptying them of the contents and taking the empty containers back to the house to fill again.&nbsp; I'd moved smaller, lighter pieces of furniture.&nbsp; The things I couldn't move by myself I would get help with later in the month.&nbsp; I'd reserved a truck for the 15th of March, but I thought I might not have to use it if I could find a friend to let me use a van with the seats removed.&nbsp; I had all of three larger pieces that would require help lifting and hauling up the stairs.<br /><br />It was an upstairs unit, so I had vaulted ceilings.&nbsp; This gave me quite a bit of wall space to hang my artwork.&nbsp; I'd brought all of it with me.&nbsp; It leaned against the walls and I shifted them around, figuring out where each one wanted to live.&nbsp; I'd purchased a music player from Target that would play CD's, LPs, cassettes and the radio.&nbsp; I had tossed all the cassettes I'd owned many years ago, but I still had a lot of records and CDs.&nbsp; I still hadn't moved into the 21st century when it came to music storage.&nbsp; I was happy with my round things.<br /><br />I was listening to Janis Joplin and moving my pictures around.&nbsp; This was going to be my home.&nbsp; I could do with it what I liked.&nbsp; I wanted it to feel like mine.<br /><br />Then the phone rang and I learned my new bed was on the way.&nbsp; I opened the front door and waited for the place I'd be able to rest to be delivered.<br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-45412883514162282322015-02-21T09:31:00.004-06:002015-02-21T09:31:39.931-06:00A new lifeFebruary 20th I was standing in the garage looking at a small pile of plastic storage containers and boxes of kitchen things I'd assembled over the last week.&nbsp; I was getting ready to load them into my car because I was moving.<br /><br />Not the entire family.&nbsp; Just me.&nbsp; I was the only one moving.<br /><br />The Husband was no longer The Husband.&nbsp; He was now the my kids' dad and my soon-to-be ex.&nbsp;<br /><br />I was getting divorced.&nbsp; We had done this before, but I hadn't moved out and while paperwork had been filed, it hadn't been signed or finalized.&nbsp;<br /><br />Our attempts to patch things up for the sake of our kids hadn't been successful.&nbsp; In fact, they'd been so unsuccessful the two of us had gotten into a physical fight.&nbsp; All that frustration and anger and hurt had finally boiled over and we'd attacked each other trying to hurt the other one.&nbsp; We'd yelled and screamed and cried and smacked.&nbsp; Neither of us felt any better.<br /><br />That same week we decided that we needed to separate.&nbsp; Our relationship was unhealthy.&nbsp; Unhealthy was an understatement.&nbsp; I didn't think there was a word to adequately describe what was now between us.<br /><br />I had stated that if I moved out, it would disrupt the children's day to day the least.&nbsp; They were used to me being gone in the early mornings and their dad getting them off to school.&nbsp; I would still be with them in the afternoons once I was off work.&nbsp;<br /><br />I was leaning heavily on my parents financially.&nbsp; I was unable to express the amount of gratitude for their support. Without them I'd be renting a room with a shared bathroom.&nbsp; I wouldn't be able to have the kids come visit me.&nbsp; I'd have no privacy.&nbsp; They'd agreed to help me while I got my feet under me. <br /><br />There wasn't a big rush for me to relocate.&nbsp; We didn't hate each other.&nbsp; We were getting along fine, but it was uncomfortable and it was high time for me to leave. <br /><br />We'd talked with the kids, a surreal experience since our son had guessed what was going on.&nbsp; 9 years old and he knew things weren't good between his parents.&nbsp; This wasn't good for them.&nbsp; This was no kind of example.&nbsp; This was the right thing to do for everyone. <br /><br />I picked up the first box and got ready to start my new life. &nbsp; <br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-40718444103873192462015-01-11T20:14:00.003-06:002015-01-11T20:14:39.602-06:00Poetry&nbsp;<style type="text/css"><!-- @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> <br /><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Monstra swallowed me up</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I knew she was down there, just underneath the surface</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">while I bobbed up and down on the waves. </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I floated on my back trying to rest and hoping the swells would lull me to sleep.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Sleeping would make this all go away and I could rest. </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Then she silently came up with her mouth opened wide and gulped me down</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">without causing one ripple or splash.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">It was completely silent, my descent into the dark.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Now I'm here in the dripping interior with Gepetto and Baron Munchausen, prentending to enjoy our card games and our converstaion.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Really, I'm wondering if this is the end of my story. </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Is this my home now? What will the humidity do to my skin?</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">There aren't any exit signs in her stomach. There are no treasure maps to be found here.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">All I can do is sit still and frown over my hand of cards, wondering if there are really 52 in the deck.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I listen to the Baron talk about hot air balloons and dancing on air with Venus.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gepetto tells me how much he misses his wooden son, how he was so passionate</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">in this love he dove into the great, deep ocean to find him.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">No one is looking for me. </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Maybe I can climb up her ribs, using them like a ladder.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Maybe I can try to scramble back up the way I came to be here.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Maybe I can try to find a way to be reborn from this dark, dank place. </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Reborn into what?</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">What if there are dragons?</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">What if there are sharks?</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">What if there is just....</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">nothing.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Would that be worse than this? </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">What could possibly be worse than this?</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Is there anything worse than this?</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Maybe this is the best I have to hope for.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Maybe staying here is what I deserve, where I was born to be.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">All the moments of my life have led me to this small place, perhaps it's best for me to stay.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Monstra swallowed me up.</div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I'm not sure I mind. </div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div>Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-91869769093556463662014-12-16T20:18:00.002-06:002014-12-16T20:24:33.223-06:00I'm feeling better, but I did something difficult todayFirst of all, I'm feeling much better today.&nbsp; My chemistry is getting straightened out and my optimism for my mental health has returned. Many thanks for all the encouraging and supportive messages.&nbsp; :)<br /><br />Here's the difficult thing I did today:&nbsp; I said goodbye to two women that I thought were good friends of mine.<br /><br />Let me tell you the backstory.&nbsp; I think everyone knows that The Husband and I separated for a few months about a year and a half ago.&nbsp; After we'd reconciled I had just found a therapist that was a good fit for me.&nbsp;&nbsp; I was planning on focusing on behaviors I wanted to change and The Husband and I were discussing that when he shared something with me. <br /><br />He told me that when he'd told some people we were splitting their response was "We're surprised it took this long."&nbsp; and "I don't know how you put up with that for so long."&nbsp;&nbsp; The Husband told me somewhat recently that conversations of that flavor had been going on between this group of people and him for some time.&nbsp; <br /><br />Here's the thing.&nbsp; These were a group of people that I'd known for 15 years and I thought were my friends as well.<br /><br />Two of them were women that I counted among my closest friends.&nbsp; The three of us were pregnant at the same time and we shared the fear and awe and wonder and exhaustion and elation that was being pregnant. We had each other to talk to about our babies and which diapers worked best for boys or girls and which flavors of baby food were good on ice cream.<br /><br />We'd all had a shit-ton of fun together. Gotten our nails done.&nbsp; Taken over the biggest fitting room at Target and dragged in ten thousand items to try on.&nbsp; Gone for girls' nights.&nbsp; Gotten drunk.&nbsp; Laughed until we almost peed our pants.&nbsp; I thought they loved me.<br /><br />Apparently, I was wrong about that.<br /><br />Ever since I was told that the general opinion of me in this social circle was so low, my heart has been bleeding.&nbsp; Like I said, I thought they loved me.<br /><br />Many years ago I had an excellent woman friend who turned on me and I mean TURNED on me.&nbsp; (She had a history of doing that with her women friends, there are enough of us to have a nice sized club.)&nbsp; One of the things she told me was that no one in our social circle really liked me, they just put up with me because The Husband is great and he was worth putting up with me. &nbsp; Well, maybe this was the same thing.&nbsp; I don't know. They haven't talked to me since they learned we might not stay married.&nbsp; <br /><br />Finally, today, I decided I needed to let it go.&nbsp; Which meant I had to let THEM go.<br /><br />So, I wrote to them both that I'd been doing some very serious therapy over the past year and part of what I had had a difficult time dealing with&nbsp; was the way they'd reacted to The Husband and I sleeping apart.&nbsp;&nbsp; Well, here, you read it:<br /><br /><span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0"><i><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$4:0">I'm writing to you as part of some intense therapy I've been doing over the last several months. One of the things I have had to deal with is the response Scott got when he told you guys we were splitting up. He's angry that I'm even telling you that he disclosed to me the general opinion was no one knew how he'd put up with me for so long and surprise that he hadn't split with me sooner. I was also told that these conversations had been going on with him for some time.</span><br data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$5:0" /><br data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$7:0" /><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0">I'm heartbroken that we're not friends anymore. I really did love you and valued your friendship. So, I'm writing to tell you goodbye and sincerely apologize for anything I did that hurt or angered you.</span></i></span></span><br /><br /><span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0">I cried while I wrote and re-wrote and finally sent my messages.&nbsp; I'm crying again now.&nbsp;</span></span></span><br /><br /><span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0">Like I said, I thought they loved me.&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><br /><br /><span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0">&nbsp;</span><i><span data-reactid=".2d.$mid=11418771152949=2160509b163d9356132.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0"> </span></i></span></span>Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-55446651139748696132014-12-14T09:27:00.000-06:002014-12-14T09:41:00.292-06:00This is completely impossible to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced itWhat am I referring to? &nbsp;Trying to find the correct combination of prescriptions to treat the symptoms of depression.<br /><br />Treating depression with pharmaceuticals is less than an exact science. &nbsp; Really, there's a lot of black magic and guess-work involved in finding the combination that will work for the person in question. <br /><br />The health care professional talks with the person needing treatment, thinks about what needs to be treated and makes an educated, informed guess as to what pill/pills will bring relief. &nbsp;Sometimes, it works on the first try. &nbsp;Sometimes, it takes a couple tries. &nbsp;Each try requires 2 to 4 weeks to complete. &nbsp;Most medications need 10 to 14 days to begin to show their effectiveness. &nbsp;In the meantime, the side effects show themselves. &nbsp;These can range from nausea or loss of appetite to panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. &nbsp;Yes, drugs that treat depression can make symptoms worse. &nbsp;And you don't know until you're on the stuff for 2 weeks.<br /><br />As you're waiting for the effectiveness of the new stuff you're also going through getting off of whatever it was you were taking before. &nbsp;The withdrawal symptoms can be the same as the side effects of the new pills or they can add a whole different set of excitement to the days. <br /><br />Once you've been on the new course of treatment for the needed period of time, you make a decision if it's working well enough to stay on said treatment. &nbsp;If it's not, you start the process of getting off the old stuff and on to the new stuff you hope works all over again.<br /><br />As this is all happening, you have to keep trying to live your life without crumpling up into a ball to keep from having to deal with all this bullshit. &nbsp;You still have to parent children, go to work, do laundry and all the other things that are involved in living life. &nbsp;Again, it's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been through it that the act of putting gasoline in the car is just not something that can be dealt with at this exact moment in time. &nbsp;Leaving the house isn't a possibility, let alone trying to drive somewhere and complete a financial transaction. <br /><br />There are some dark thoughts that go along with this wait and see period of time. &nbsp;Really, in-patient treatment starts to seem like a completely logical and appealing option. &nbsp;Being someplace where trained pros will keep an eye on you instead of being allowed to take your crazy self out into the world where it will be expected you'll behave like a normal person. &nbsp;Normal? &nbsp;What the hell is that? &nbsp;I'm not normal I'm crazy. &nbsp;I'm a boobie and I belong in the boobie hatch. &nbsp;What a relief it would be to just give in to it. &nbsp;How liberating to just fall into insanity instead of fighting the undertow every second of every day. <br /><br />You start to think about what kind of deal you'd have to make with what kind of devil to be free of all this. &nbsp;The mood swings, the crying jags, the weird dreams, the nightmares, &nbsp;the side effects, the fear that NOTHING will work this time, the insomnia, the inability to focus, the dizziness, the constant efforts to keep panic attacks at bay, the lack of enjoyment of anything, the never ending fear that this is going to be what it is for the rest of your life. <br /><br />Crazytown. Welcome, this is where you live. &nbsp;Come on in so we can close up the borders because there is no way in hell you will ever be leaving. Just accept the fact that you're a lunatic and start to deal with it. &nbsp;You are never going to be optimistic, happy, find a child-like joy in all that you do because you're a kookoo. <br /><br />&nbsp;I would give anything to be free of this.<br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-30166954485373036772014-11-27T08:59:00.002-06:002014-11-27T08:59:28.008-06:00Relief and devastation at the same timeWhy am I feeling relieved and devastated at the same time? &nbsp;Because I have been shifted from the job I was promoted into back into prepping for the Korean station. <br /><br />I knew this was coming, the writing was pretty much on the wall. &nbsp;As I've said, the chef wasn't talking to me unless he totally had to. &nbsp;Yesterday, there was communication but there were also several snarky comments. Maybe this is just part of the restaurant industry, or maybe it's just this guy. &nbsp;Either way, I was a disappointment and a frustration to him. &nbsp;THAT doesn't exactly feel good. <br /><br />(When I told Pippi what was happening she told me she already knew the shift was going to happen and they'd wanted her to take over what I was doing. &nbsp;My response?<br /><br />"Well that was obvious. &nbsp;It was like they'd moved in a girlfriend, told me she was a nanny but we don't have any kids." <br /><br />She said "That's funny.")<br /><br />My manager, who is the master of positive feedback, pressed the point that they were moving me somewhere I'd be much less stressed and unhappy. &nbsp;He keeps saying he has the philosophy that if a person is enjoying what they're doing they will be much more successful and efficient. &nbsp;He noticed that I'm very stressed out carrying the pantry position and I seemed comfortable in my skin over with the Korean chef. <br /><br />I told The Husband when I got home who then asked me why I had such an issue with responsibility. My past record of handling sole responsibility for anything job related isn't good. &nbsp;I flip out and end up stepping back down.<br /><br />It's something to bring up to my therapist the next time I see her. &nbsp;It's worth exploring, I agree with that. &nbsp;Then I have the thought: &nbsp;what'swrong with being good at support positions? &nbsp;I've excelled at assistance and support. &nbsp;I'm good at it. &nbsp;When I was in new housing sales, way back in the early 90's, I was a sales assistant to the women in the company that were the most difficult to work with. &nbsp;When I went to work down in Norco with a woman named Susan, our boss kept calling to ask me how things were going. &nbsp;I kept saying that things were going well, she and I were getting along, I was getting her potential client files and follow up calls in order. &nbsp;Later, I found out she went through assistants like crazy. &nbsp;I was with her for over a year, something that had never happened before. <br /><br />I'm having some depression now. &nbsp;I got the idea to go to culinary school in 1997. &nbsp;It was my dream to learn to cook and then cook. &nbsp;I've got some evidence now that I may not be cut out for that. &nbsp;One of my classmates was incredibly talented at creating dishes. &nbsp;So very much better than me. &nbsp;I have student loan for my knowledge, but maybe I don't &nbsp;have the talent. &nbsp;I execute instructions. &nbsp;I can follow recipes, but that I could have learned on my own, the way my friend &nbsp;Chris is doing. &nbsp;Maybe this dream is just not something I'm able to make happen. <br /><br />As you can see, I've lost a good deal of confidence and faith in my ability to create something out of thin air. &nbsp;Mystery basket? &nbsp;Jesus, when we watch Chopped The Husband has all kinds of ideas. &nbsp;Me? &nbsp;Not so much.<br /><br />My thoughts are going into some dark places and I'm not sure how to proceed. &nbsp;I know nothing succeeds like success and I'm going back to where I'm successful. &nbsp;Nothing succeeds like success and all that. <br /><br />Hopefully, while The Husband and I are in San Antonio with the kids for the Thanksgiving weekend I can focus on having a good time and looking forward to going back to working for the Korean woman who likes me. <br /><br />Oh, living my emotional life is never boring........<br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-68949212442610935562014-11-22T07:46:00.001-06:002014-11-22T07:46:26.014-06:00a li'l update on the job situationHere's an excerpt of a yahoo chat The Husband and I had yesterday.<br /><br />The cast of characters:&nbsp;<br /><br />Lipsticksavior-me<br /><br />Bardiclug-The Husband<br /><br />Chef-my head chef<br /><br />Pippi-my recently hired co-worker<br /><br />Macy-the woman who trained me before going to another account within the company<br /><br />(anything in parentheses is a little info to give clarification)<br /><br />lipsticksavior:boy I'm glad today's over.<br />bardiclug:Crazy day?<br />lipsticksavior:Crazy morning.&nbsp; We're all required to get there at 6:30 because the president of our company was coming to visit. As predicted, I saw him walk through the cafe.<br />bardiclug:He didn't even stop to eat?&nbsp; Or did Ms. Park (<i>the Korean chef I used to work with) </i>have to make him lunch? <br />lipsticksavior:So, I've got my plan together about what I'm going to make and put out.<br />lipsticksavior:I'm feeling like I've got a plan and then Pippi tells me that chef told her he wants to see me pull the leftovers cart and lay all the protiens out to select what I'm going to use.&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:I tell her 'Okay, I'm going to finish up the tasks I've already started and then I'll get that out.&nbsp; I've already gone and looked at it and I know what I'm going to use."<br />lipsticksavior:She says 'Well, I'm just telling you that he told me that that's what he wants you to do."&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:I finish up and I pull the stuff out and verify to myself what I'm going to be doing.<br />bardiclug:So why is he telling her and not you?&nbsp; That's annoying.<br />lipsticksavior:While I'm working she's asking me what I'm doing, I'm telling her and then when she sees me doing something she thinks I should be doing differently she goes to tell chef what I'm doing and comes back with instructions from him.<br />lipsticksavior:I make egg salad, turkey salad, chicken pesto wraps, beef fajita wraps, bbq sausage wraps, cobb salad wraps, a&nbsp; pork loin sandwich with orange ginger marmalade and slaw and get that all plated up.&nbsp; Then I check to see that we have enough produce for the salad part.<br />lipsticksavior:As I have done every day since I've taken over this station, I start to take stuff out at 9:30. (<i>everything is set out in a big ice bin, salad bar style and I make everything custom for the customer)&nbsp;</i> I come back to get all the veggies when Pippi walks up and says "Okay, your stuff isn't covered and he says it's too early to put it out."&nbsp; Then chef walks up and says he told me before to not set up before lunch.&nbsp; Get it all plated and put it out after lunch.<br />lipsticksavior:Okay,&nbsp; THAT instruction was never given.&nbsp; Telling me one day to pull everything, put it in the freezer to chill and bring it all back out later is not the same as saying "Going forward, let's wait until after lunch to pull out your set up."&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:I pull it all onto a utility cart and I'm going to cover it with plastic wrap and put it in the walk in.&nbsp; I'm then told "You can't have it on this cart.&nbsp; This is a utility cart."&nbsp; Okay fine.&nbsp; <br />bardiclug:It sounds to me like you need to have a discussion with Chef and ask him to speak to you directly about these things.<br />lipsticksavior:In the middle of all this it's announced that the president is on his way. Okay, got it.&nbsp; I'm trying to pull this cart into the walk in and find space for all my stuff.&nbsp; Pippi walks up and says "The president's on his way.&nbsp; Do you want to finish covering that?"<br />lipsticksavior:Yes, I know the president is on his way and no, I have to move this stuff off this cart.&nbsp; Then Dave (<i>another co-worker) </i>asks me if I just want to park that, no I have to move all the stuff off this cart.&nbsp; Then Preston (<i>the direct manager of all the kitchen staff and cashiers) </i>comes up and says just put that over here.&nbsp; I say "I have to move all this stuff off this cart, I've told 3 people now.&nbsp; I'm trying to find room for all this."<br />lipsticksavior:Now I'm crawling on the floor of the walk in looking on the bottom of the speed racks, which are all full, so I can move this stuff.&nbsp; I get so frustrated I started to cry.&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:Preston's telling me "hey it's all good.&nbsp; I will help you with this.&nbsp; get off the floor and let's get this done. "<br />lipsticksavior:I come out of the walk in and Pippi walks up "The president's on his way."&nbsp; yes, I know.<br />lipsticksavior:I get all cleaned up, make sure my mini rack has a cover and sticker then I take my break.&nbsp; Meanwhile, all the time I spent pulling the food I already put out and finding space for it I don't have my veggies plated up.&nbsp; When we get back from our break we have our meeting and then I need to get all the veggies into the proper containers and take everything up front and I have 10 minutes.<br />lipsticksavior:I was 8 minutes late getting set up and there's an issue with deli making enough chips for me to have at my station so I have to go over and take some of theirs.<br />lipsticksavior:then we had service, the president walked through and at some point Pippi comes over to tell me that chef wants me to get my cart as empty as possible before I leave today<br />lipsticksavior:I stayed late to do a deep clean yesterday. Usually I'd scrub the floor and some other stuff today but since the president was coming I did it yesterday.&nbsp; I cleaned inside the drains and made sure it all polished and looking good.&nbsp; At 2:35 Pippi comes up and wants to know if I'm on track to be out on time.<br />lipsticksavior: yes, I have to empty my ice bin and the cleaning that goes with that and I'm done.<br />bardiclug:Well, that was a day....&nbsp; I'm glad it's over too!<br />lipsticksavior:That's the situation I'm in. I work and Pippi goes to tell chef what I'm going.&nbsp; Chef tells Pippi what I'm supposed to be doing.&nbsp; If that's going to work for him, then fine.&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:So I have to watch my back because he's got someone watching me all the time.<br />bardiclug:It could be Chef, but more likely it's Pippi running off to Chef every 5 minutes.&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:But, it's a frustrating situation at work.<br />lipsticksavior:pippi keeps saying that S4 isn't going to be her station, but they've got her supervising me and working the station with me.&nbsp; There's a bunch of info that she was given to tell me that I never got from Macy or anyone else.<br />lipsticksavior:I have the idea that chef will say he tells me to do things and I don't listen.&nbsp; But, again, walking by and saying "you know we have a tomato slicer" isn't the same as saying "use the slicer instead of hand cutting those"<br />bardiclug:Yes, extremely frustrating.&nbsp;&nbsp; If communication is the problem, the only thing you can do is be more pro-active and talk to him.&nbsp; Don't wait for him to talk to you.&nbsp; And if he says something that isn't clear, ask for clarification.&nbsp; That puts it back on him to be clear about what he is saying.&nbsp; <br />bardiclug:That's what I've had to do here, and it's a least BETTER than the other way.<br />lipsticksavior:I need to do that.&nbsp; <br />lipsticksavior:I'm taking all the feedback and implementing it.&nbsp; And I just wait and see what happens.<br />bardiclug:Well, you're home now. <br /><br />And that's what I'm dealing with.&nbsp; Again, I'm not getting direct communication and it looks like that's how it's going to be and I'll just work with that.&nbsp; I'm anticipating a couple of things.&nbsp; One, I had told Preston that I'd continue to run the station through Thanksgiving and then we could revisit.&nbsp; I have a feeling it's going to be suggested that Pippi take it over.&nbsp; If we're looking at it like Pippi and I are applying for the position, she is the logical choice.&nbsp; She has a bunch more experience and knowledge.&nbsp; Two, everything stays the same and I continue to operate under the status quo.<br /><br />Next week, we are off Thursday - Sunday, a short week.<br /><br />I'll be back to riding the waves the first week of December.<br /><br />Whoo hoo!Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-67392083256994145562014-11-16T08:49:00.003-06:002014-11-16T08:49:49.051-06:00Two weeks later, life is not greatI'm really depressed.&nbsp; Work isn't improving.&nbsp; If anything, I'm doing worse.&nbsp; This week, a new line cook was hired and I found out later that she was hired to come over and help me.&nbsp; Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the help, but my superiors were sneaky about it.&nbsp; I got that word from the woman who's helping me out.&nbsp; I also overheard a conversation between her and the head chef about what I was saying, what I was doing and how I'd responded to things he'd asked be done.<br /><br />This is making me think that not only does my boss not have my back, I need to be actively watching it.&nbsp; Let's toss in the fact that he doesn't talk to me.&nbsp; Unless it's totally neccessarry, we don't speak.&nbsp; I'm working with the woman helping me on Friday and she asked me what the chef had told me about something.<br /><br />"Oh, he doesn't talk to me."&nbsp; I answered.<br /><br />"Well......that's odd."&nbsp; she said.<br /><br />"Unless he has to, he doesn't speak to me.&nbsp; When he comes up to the table, he'll talk to you but he won't talk to me."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; And that's just what happened.<br /><br />I'm now doubting my ability to do anything.&nbsp; Manage time or produce anything appetizing may not be what I can do.&nbsp; It's making me feel like ditching it and going back to slinging books at Barnes and Noble or going back to Starbucks where at least I know what I'm doing.&nbsp;<br /><br />In addition, my relationship with The Husband is back on shaky ground.&nbsp; There are days we don't talk to each other and days we get along fine.&nbsp; It depends on the day and how he's feeling about me at that time.<br /><br />As I said, life is not great right now.&nbsp;<br /><br />That's all.Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-86770102518321176672014-11-01T13:05:00.000-05:002014-11-01T13:05:06.156-05:00Our heroine had a few good daysYes, more in the continuing saga of the new position.&nbsp; I ended up going in to talk to my boss this week, stating that I thought I'd bitten off more than I could chew.&nbsp; I'd come in an hour and a half early for two days in a row and I was just barely getting my service stuff out on time. <br /><br />Again, Monday was a challenge because I hadn't been trained for it.&nbsp; Chef ended up bringing me out a bunch of stuff and then told me he'd gotten it out in 15 minutes, so there was no reason I couldn't do that too.&nbsp;<br /><br />Tuesday I needed to steam shrimp, cook chicken, hand cut veggies and make an apple tart that involved being baked in a waffle iron.&nbsp; Again, I'm in an hour and a half early.&nbsp; I got part way through my morning and went in to tell my boss I thought I'd make a mistake.&nbsp;<br /><br />We weren't able to talk right that second but we did get together again after service and I was cleaned up.&nbsp; What I stated, was that I didn't think I had enough experience to complete what was needed.&nbsp; I explained that the last couple of days should have been easy, but I was needing an extra 90 minutes to get everything done.&nbsp;&nbsp; Really, I just sort of vented and ended up crying about how frustrated I was.&nbsp;<br /><br />Then my boss surprised me.&nbsp; He said "Whoa.&nbsp; You are taking this job way too seriously.&nbsp; We're just cooking food here."&nbsp; Then we had a good back and forth about the fact that the kitchen staff is really stretched due to being short-handed, how I wasn't comfortable approaching the chef with questions and requests for help and my general lack of confidence.&nbsp;<br /><br />He gave me some suggestions and said he'd talk with chef, we'd then go from there.<br /><br />Wednesday, we serve taco salads.&nbsp; I got all my prep done with plenty of time but then had a snafu with the deep frying of tortillas.&nbsp; I know what to do differently next week.&nbsp; Okay, check.<br /><br />Thursday, is the biggest day of the week. We serve pizzas.&nbsp; I arrived half an hour early to make sure I got everything ready on time.&nbsp; I was able to get it all out and had a small cushion of time to make sure everything was out.<br /><br />Friday, I serve premade sandwiches and other stuff.&nbsp; I used some of the stuff from earlier in the week to have premade taco salads, premade pizzas and then some wraps and sandwiches.&nbsp; I had to run to get it all out, but run I did and my station was totally full and looking good.<br /><br />I keep telling myself through the morning "If I can get to service then I'm golden.&nbsp; If I can get into service then I'm golden."&nbsp;&nbsp; Because once service starts at 11 a.m. I can stay in my serving station and take a breath.&nbsp; Then it's clean up time and I can prep for the next day if I need.<br /><br />I'm anxious to see how this next week goes.&nbsp; Were those good days a fluke?&nbsp; Or am I getting the hang of it?<br /><br />Today, I am resting and trying to not think about work.&nbsp; Tonight, my friend Leashya and I got to see the Psychadelic Furs and have fun.<br /><br />Here's to small victories. <br /><br />Amanda's household hint of the day:&nbsp; Don't buy anything special to clean your garbage disposal.&nbsp; Just toss some lemon wedges into it while it's running. Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-61336161951426656452014-10-26T11:47:00.002-05:002014-10-26T11:47:53.784-05:00What is the lesson going to be in this?I was super excited and proud of myself when I got promoted two weeks ago.&nbsp; I was assured that I'd be working with our head chef until it was clear I had a handle on it.<br /><br />Life, on the other hand, had other plans.&nbsp; The day I was supposed to start working with the chef one of the cooks didn't show and didn't call yet again.&nbsp; This meant he was going to be let go from the company.<br /><br />This adds a big chunk of stress to my already stressed out head chef.&nbsp; There were VIP visits, supervising the kitchen, ordering, checking in orders, inventory and the big family event the company we are contracted with was planning.&nbsp; Let's toss into that mix he would now have to take over all the cooking for one of the stations.<br /><br />That Monday, I had to figure it out on my own.&nbsp; I hadn't worked with the woman who was training me because of Columbus Day.&nbsp; There was information I didn't have, but I now have that.<br /><br />This week was filled with massive mistakes.&nbsp; My friend Pam says she likes getting a new job but hates the first six weeks because she feels like a dumbass.&nbsp;&nbsp; Not only do I feel like a dumbass, I feel like I've been tossed into the deep end and told to swim when all I can do is tread water long enough to get a gulp of air.<br /><br />This has left me terrified.&nbsp; Terrified and terrified of meeting with my chef to discuss what's coming up this week, what I'll need to be doing on my own and how much help I can anticipate so I can get my timelines together.<br /><br />It's now clear I'm going to need to be putting in some extra time at work, which means overtime.&nbsp; That's a silver lining.<br /><br />What I am now is scared.&nbsp; I'm no longer excited. I'm frightened.&nbsp; And a little paranoid.&nbsp; <br /><br />This is going to be a huge learning experience and I need to battle through the thorn thicket to get to a place where I can get through a day unscratched.<br /><br />I asked chef if we could have a quick meeting on Monday so I could get my schedule together.&nbsp; It's going to take every last drop of my courage to do that.&nbsp; Five to ten minutes and I'm not sure I wouldn't rather free fall into a big bag full air.<br /><br />I've had some long talks with myself about what the worst case scenario would be.&nbsp; Getting let go isn't it.&nbsp; I could go back to Starbucks or apply to the new Vertz that's just opened up around the corner.&nbsp; Worst case is I'd be kept on to struggle along, doing a mediocre job and knowing I'm doing a mediocre job. My superiors will know I'm doing a mediocre job and I'd know they know.&nbsp;<br /><br />However, I have my plan in place and if that doesn't work this week I'll try something else. If I'm not riding the job by the end of November I may need to re-think.&nbsp; But I need to give myself at least those six weeks.<br /><br />I'm going to make sure I'm giving myself things to look forward to.&nbsp; My good friend Leashya and I are going to be going to a concert on Saturday.&nbsp;&nbsp; The probably bad, horror movie Ouija is coming out on Friday.&nbsp; Chris and I will definitely catch that one.&nbsp; Instead of staying home for Thanksgiving The Husband and I are taking the kids down to San Antonio for three days.&nbsp;<br /><br />I have other things I'm going to try to lower my stress level and give myself enough time to get things done at work.&nbsp; Early mornings and an extra hour to ninety minutes in the afternoon will make a big difference.&nbsp; I'll still be home with the kids in the afternoons and have dinner with them.&nbsp; And I'll have my weekends.&nbsp;<br /><br />I'm going to be taking this one day at a time.&nbsp; I'll be checking in.&nbsp;<br /><br />*deep breath*<br /><br />Amanda's household hint of the day:&nbsp; Put a flat sheet, a fitted sheet and extra pillow cases into a pillow case to make it easy to grab when it's time to change the bedding. Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-43960968699142498432014-10-23T20:37:00.002-05:002014-10-23T20:37:29.170-05:00This has not been my best week in lifeOh geez.&nbsp;<br /><br />I've taken over the new position.&nbsp; I had four days of training, which was fine.&nbsp; I then took over on my own.&nbsp; The two big days at my station are Wednesdays and Thursdays.&nbsp; Wednesdays we serve taco salads and Thursdays we serve pizzas.<br /><br />I never made it to my first pizza day last week because I slipped in the dry storage room and hit my head really hard on the edge of a shelf.&nbsp; I ended up with a minor concussion but was back at work on Friday.<br /><br />Anyway, that week was OK.&nbsp; I hadn't trained for a Monday because we were closed on Columbus Day.&nbsp; Monday rolls around and I'm supposed to be being closely supervised by our head chef.&nbsp; However, one of our cooks didn't show up and didn't call, not for the first time so he was going to be let go.<br /><br />This leaves us shorthanded in the kitchen.&nbsp; This means I'm totally on my own.&nbsp; I found out I was supposed to be serving custom salads and sandwiches on Monday.&nbsp; When I was training we had put out the same offerings as the deli with more vegetables and different dressings than the salad bar.&nbsp; Guess what?&nbsp; I'm supposed to be serving only the freshly roasted stuff from the other stations.&nbsp; Okay, fine.&nbsp; I got that figured out and up and served.<br /><br />Tuesday is pasta salads, I get that out but not on time.&nbsp; I serve stuff up, clean up and then try to start getting ready for our big taco salad day.&nbsp; I got some stuff done and hoped I'd be okay.<br /><br />I was fine until 20 minutes before service and I flew into a full on panic.<br /><br />On to today.&nbsp; I thought yesterday was bad?&nbsp; Oi.&nbsp; I got to work early to get all my pizza stuff done.&nbsp; I had been told I'd be partnered with someone today, but that only meant for serving, not for prepping.&nbsp;<br />So, there I am trying to stretch 165 pizza doughs then cook chicken, get sauces together, make sure we have enough back up and get it all set up.&nbsp; I got set up, but then I needed to make something involving apples for our head chef.&nbsp;<br /><br />Since we are down a person he's having to pick up the slack and do all that cooking in addition to his regular duties.&nbsp; He's being pulled in 87 different directions at once and wasn't able to give me the exact instructions for what I was going to make.&nbsp; It involved puff pastry, apples and sugar and cinnamon.&nbsp; He tells me to layer it and it should be squares.&nbsp; I have exactly 7 minutes before I have to be out on the floor so I lay out the pastry, lay out some apple slices with sugar and cinnamon and put another sheet on top, do that again and think I'll use a pizza cutter to cut it into squares after it's cooked.&nbsp; Chef walks over, sighs angrily and tosses all the stuff off.&nbsp; Then he walks off.&nbsp; I now have no idea what to do.&nbsp;<br /><br />I go around the corner to where my manager is and say "I'm ready to call it a day!"&nbsp;<br /><br />He said "Well, you can't."<br /><br />I says "I know.&nbsp; I'm just venting.&nbsp; I don't know what chef wants me to make.&nbsp; He just ripped it up and I don't know if Dave is up front.&nbsp; Should I go up front or should I go back to chef and figure out how to make this thing he wants?"<br /><br />My boss tells me to take a breath and go make pizzas.<br /><br />Once I'm out front and serving, I'm fine.&nbsp; Dave and I get 130 custom pizzas out in 2 1/2 hours.&nbsp; I'm doing all the clean up and when I'm in the kitchen chef sees me.<br /><br />"Hey, didn't you tell me you bake?" he asks.<br /><br />"Yeah, why?"<br /><br />He asks if I can ice a cake with whipped topping.&nbsp; Sure I can do that.&nbsp; Then we have an exchange that this cake is for an employee upstairs who wants writing on it.&nbsp; Chef makes a face and makes comments that cause me to think that he's NOT going to write anything on it.&nbsp;<br /><br />He leaves to do something while I look around for something to put the cake on.&nbsp; There aren't any cake boxes or platters so I put it on a small sheet pan.&nbsp; The cake layers are cracked in the pan and one end is squished.&nbsp; I know it's going to fall apart so I transfer them as carefully as I can.&nbsp;<br /><br />I can't find chef.&nbsp; My boss comes by and I tell him that I can make the cake look good, quickly and explain how I'd do it.&nbsp; I ask him to get chef to give me an approval since I need to be done in 20 minutes.&nbsp; Nothing.&nbsp; I can't find anyone.&nbsp; I make a management decision and just do it.<br /><br />Everyone who walks by looks at the cake and says "that looks great!"<br /><br />Chef walks around the corner, makes a face and says "I have to write on it."&nbsp;&nbsp; He also wants to transfer it to something else.&nbsp; This means he's going to create a cake board out of a pizza box.&nbsp;<br /><br />I say that we can scrape the top, turn it onto the surface and reice it.&nbsp; He's not sure about this idea.&nbsp;<br /><br />I get the cake transferred and he looks at it.&nbsp; "Is this cracked?"<br /><br />I tell him it was cracked in the pan and one end is crushed.&nbsp; (He made the thing and has moved it 17 times in the last 2 days, I thought he'd noticed)<br /><br />Then this comes:&nbsp; "By the way, this is the president's cake."<br /><br />It's a cake for the president of the company and you didn't tell me?&nbsp; And you want me to frost it with whipped topping?&nbsp;<br /><br />He announces he can't use the cake, gets one out of the freezer and ices that with whipped topping.&nbsp; I cleaned up my station asked if he needed any help and then left when he said no.<br /><br />I'm in the car driving home yelling to myself that I've probably fucked my career before it even got started.<br /><br />I'm hyperventilating at a stoplight when I think:&nbsp; Okay.&nbsp; Worst case scenario?&nbsp; I get fired.&nbsp; What then?&nbsp; I go back to Starbucks. &nbsp;<br /><br />I am totally dreading going in tomorrow. <br /><br />Amanda's helpful hint of the day:&nbsp; Don't ice cakes with whipped topping if you want them to look really nice.&nbsp; Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3587555282776358698.post-83054778584608624792014-10-07T19:41:00.001-05:002014-10-07T19:41:38.086-05:00Today was a good day. I've been at the new job for almost 3 months.&nbsp; I've been doing well, as I've said.<br /><br />Welp,&nbsp; I went in yesterday to find they'd hired someone else to work with the Korean cuisine team.&nbsp; I knew that one of my co-workers was transferring to another location and some shifting around was going to be happening, but it now looked like I was going to be going elsewhere.<br /><br />I was finishing up my tasks for the day, getting ready to scrub down my prep table when the exiting co-worker asked me how early I could come in tomorrow.&nbsp;<br /><br />"Um, 7. Why?"<br /><br />"Because you're going to be training with me tomorrow and Wednesday can be a heavy day.&nbsp; I like to have a little extra time to get everything ready."<br /><br />Oh.&nbsp;<br /><br />I was going to be taking over her station.&nbsp;<br /><br />It got back to our supervisors that she'd let the cat out of the bag and I talked with my manager and the executive chef.&nbsp; I will indeed be taking over the station that serves sandwiches, salads and some desserts.&nbsp; It's all cold food, except for Thursdays when we make personal pizzas.&nbsp; Then it's a mad house with lines around the cafe.&nbsp; I'll be responsible for set up, serving and breaking down.&nbsp; I'll do a very small amount of menu planning.&nbsp;<br /><br />In addition to taking on more responsibility, I got a raise!<br /><br />As an added positive, I got my phone fixed! <br /><br />Today was a good day.&nbsp; I'll be going in early tomorrow to start learning what I'll be doing. <br /><br />Amanda's household tip of the day:&nbsp; When you are going to clean your oven, use your vacuum to get the crumbs out.&nbsp; Soooo much easier.&nbsp; <br /><br /><br />Amanda Nelliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691700450226607478noreply@blogger.com0