Bless This Mess

It’s time for some Thrift Store Gore! What is thrift store gore? I made it up with my brain! It’s a column I created after finding one too many disturbingly weird things while thrifting. I post photos of stuff that belongs at the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid and then I make fun of them. Click here for more gore, or here to learn about Thrift Store Gore Bingo, a fun game for the whole family and maybe that crazy lady who won’t stop talking to you in housewares.

The holidays are right around the corner, and let me guess–you still have people on your list to shop for, and time’s running out! Never fear, friends, Thrift Store Gore, the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid, is here to help! I’ve put together a no-fail gift guide for those hard-to-shop for people on your list. Whether they’ve been naughty or nice (and who can really tell, going by this gift guide?) I guarantee you there are unique gift ideas here you haven’t considered before.

FOR YOUR BOSS OR COWORKER

Let your coworker know how you feel about them (that they are old and illegitimate) by giving them this sign. Your colleague will know you think about them even when they aren’t around with such a thoughtful gift. You can even put it on their desk, wrapped in only a bow, anonymously, to spread the Christmas cheer further. They will get the added gift of wondering who would do this to them. Holiday fun!!

FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND

Get them a gift that says, “You are my best friend” by buying them a gift that literally says that. Just be sure that if you give them this gift they aren’t the kind of person who will turn around and donate it to a thrift store ANGELA I’M LOOKING AT YOU IS THIS THE GIFT I GAVE YOU LAST CHRISTMAS???

FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR

You share a fence or a street name, so why not share a set of toilet-themed salt-and-pepper shakers? This one’s Your’n.

FOR YOURSELF

Have you been good this year? I mean, really, really good? Have you been so good that the sweet babby Jesus himself gave you a shoutout, just moments after being born? Then, and only then, can you treat yourself to the find of a lifetime: a bag of unicorns.

FOR YOUR UNCLE JOEY

Do you have an uncle named Joey who sleeps too much? Between the creepy, ill-proportioned clown, the motorized action that does… something, and what I’m assuming is music from the Ice Cream Truck of the Damned, that problem will be solved. In fact, he might never sleep again. Yay, Uncle Joey!

FOR YOUR SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE

You barely know the person you were assigned for the annual Secret Santa gift exchange. They say they like golf and football, but you know better. Surprise them with a homemade death mask!

FOR YOUR CHILD’S TEACHER

You want to thank your child’s teacher, but don’t want to give them another gift card or scented candle. Instead give them a giant three-and-a-half foot shadow box filled with shoes, a hairpiece, a feather boa, some makeup, silver false eyelashes, and what looks like a crazy person’s manifesto written on the glass. A steal at $20! He’ll love it.

FOR YOUR FAVORITE DEVIANT

Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!

FOR YOUR LETTER CARRIER

This clock features the noble bald eagle, which represents Uncle Sam, and wolf, which symbolizes the majestic power and beauty of unfettered capitalism. It’s also snowing, which symbolizes weather. It’s okay if you can’t find this exact clock–the important thing is that it should be very large, awkward to carry, and heavy for its size. Letter carriers appreciate and treasure that.

FOR YOUR FRIEND, THREE-EARED RITA

I can’t put my finger on it, but something about these screams “three-eared Rita!”

FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Darling, you make every day feel like banana split day.

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It’s time for some Thrift Store Gore! What is thrift store gore? I made it up with my brain! It’s a column I created after finding one too many disturbingly weird things while thrifting. I post photos of stuff that belongs at the tippy-top of Little Big’s Thrifting Pyramid and then I make fun of them. Click here for more gore, or here to learn about Thrift Store Gore Bingo, a fun game for the whole family and maybe that crazy lady who won’t stop talking to you in housewares.

My friend Jacob’s Grandma was having a huge yard sale, and since I was unable to get away due to the kids and Anthony’s possible appendicitis, he kindly texted me photos of some of the tables so I could virtually pick out what I wanted and he would set it aside for me. “But first,” he said, “I have something to show you.”

It was The Feeder (For People)–pure vintage Thrift Store Gore. It was brand new, still in the box. A testament to a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. Grandmas will think it perfect. Because Grandma is a grandma, she had kept it stored safely away, in its box, which is the best part, all these years. I ask Jacob if he ever remembers using it, and he said, “Not ever. It arrived at her yard sale mysteriously, like a magical artifact.” A connection to the Illuminati has been suggested. Look at the shape of the box, for example. Triangular!

(Unrelated to The Feeder, Isobel appears in these photos wearing her Super Hero costume because I took these photos before school started when she still got dressed into her hero costume everyday. It’s not relevant to the story here but I felt like it was such an obvious feature in the photos it’d be weird not to mention.)

There are so many things to say about The Feeder (For People) that I don’t even know where start.

Party sensation! Guest pleaser! Nothing makes a guest feel more comfortable or welcome than saying, “I don’t trust you to eat food in my home!! Please eat out of this inconvenient plastic phallus!!” The person who designed this thought it such a good idea that they ran out and registered for a patent. I’m only guessing here, but I think the reason it’s called The Feeder (For People) is that there was probably already a patent out on a device called “The Feeder.” Maybe it was a pet treat dispenser or a hamster or bird feeder. Who knows, but I’m assuming it had to do with animals since they had to specify it was (For People).

It’s touted as being a great idea but really, it’s such a terrible one. It might save some pretzels from falling into the floor, but it’s pretty inconvenient to use. I mean, a kid might like it. I guess. As a novelty. But it says on the box you can store flour and sugar in it, which is such a terrible idea that if someone asked me to come up with the stupidest ideas of what to store in here I’d probably say flour or sugar. How would you even get loose powder or grains into the dispenser? And getting it out to use it? The box boasts it is also great for storing pins, buttons, and soaps! Because you want to teach your children that The Feeder (For People) is for delicious candies, then psych them out by filling it with delicious soap. That’ll learn them!

And pins? Pins?! The only way to get them out would cause bodily harm.

The Feeder (For People), a must in every home!! The box makes some incredible promises. Can’t it just admit that it really has one purpose that it does only moderately well and leave it at that? It practically offers to do my taxes and make me the most popular kid on the block. They make a big deal of it being “shatterproof”, but really all that means is that it’s made of plastic. Their marketing team was working overtime for this baby.

The kid on the box is using it next to the pool, which it not only disgusting, but I want to know who is you so damn lazy that you can’t make your kid get out of the pool to eat something. The last thing I want floating past me while I’m swimming is a bloated cracker that escaped The Feeder (For People), because if you’ve ever been around children for any length of time, you know that that is bound to happen.

But, what about the children? Maybe The Feeder (For People) is something I can’t understand but children just love, like Gogurt. I showed it to Isobel before lunch and she was so so excited when she saw the box she insisted we open it immediately. I understood why when I pulled it out of the box and she was visibly crushed. She did not give a Pikachu’s ass about The Feeder (For People). She thought it would be full of the colorful candy pictured on the box. I suggested we fill it with other treats so she could try it out. I was anxious for her to use it to see for myself. Did it have any intrinsic value at all?

It took some convincing, but she reluctantly agreed to try it. I filled it with Goldfish crackers. She tilted it over and shook a few crackers out. She looked at the few crackers in her hand, and back at The Feeder (For People).

“UGH!” Isobel sighed. “Why don’t we just dump all this in a bowl?”

And I don’t want to snark on a child, but they chose the worst photo of a boy to feature on the front of the box. His crazy-focused stare and his mouth-breathing expression seem to communicate a zombie-like fixation on The Feeder (For People), as if that’s the only way he’s given nourishment. The caption reads, “Game Room Pleaser,” but it should say something like “Must… feed.” Also, I wish they wouldn’t use the word “pleaser.” It’s making me uncomfortable. The box also lists it’s a party sensation, and I know when I look at that kid’s face I think that yeah, that kid is totally experiencing a party sensation right now. At his grandma’s house.

I don’t know. The face is sort of cute. I can imagine it as part of decoration in a kitchen maybe. Is that crazy?