Ten Hopes For The New Year

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Every New Year brings a raft of predictions and resolutions. But predictions never come true, and resolutions are typically broken within three days of their swearing in. What you’re really looking for in 2010 is hope, the hope that the New Year will be better – far better – than the crummy year that preceded it. You’re not sure if it will be a better year, but at least your slate is now clean and perhaps things will go up from here on out. I know I feel this way. Just last year, I was laid off, suffered a back injury, was forced to attend traffic court, and was again arrested for stalking Emily Deschanel. It hardly seems fair. SHE’S SO PRETTY!

With that in mind, and excluding the obvious choices of good health and personal success, here now are 10 genuine hopes for the New Year:

1. Nothing blows up.

In real life, anyway. On 24? Whole other story.

2. You see personal evidence of a better economy, and not simply hear from the media that it’s getting better.

What’s that? Still out of a job? Well, the media can assure you, the economy is finally doing much better. Oh, the success won’t be measured in actual JOBS and stuff. In fact, chances are the age of permanent, full-time employment is over, and we’ll all be temping by 2012. But the banks are doing well again! WHEE!!! My hope is that the supposed economic turnaround actually manifests itself in, you know, GOOD things.

3. A fully successful revolution in Iran.

You mean there’s a war in the Middle East, and WE don’t have to do anything?

4. People continue to find new applications for bacon.

You already know about the Bacon Explosion, Baconnaise, and Bacon Salt. My hope is that 2010 brings us the Starbucks Baconiatto, microbrewed bacon-flavored ale from Oregon, and buckets of bacon strips sold at movie theaters, preferably free with your ticket to Avatar.

5. The flying hoverboard is finally invented.

By far the biggest letdown of the 00’s was when entrepreneur Dean Kamen revealed to the world that he had patented an invention called IT that would revolutionize the world, and it turned out to be a scooter that made anyone standing upon it look about as cool as Paul Blart. I wanted a hoverboard, Kamen. Don’t tease us with the prospect of a whole new world and then give us the Segway. You monster.

6. The Hurt Locker wins Best Picture.

It’s a great action movie, and everyone who saw it thought it was insanely good, yet it made no money. And the whole Iraq part of the reasoning doesn’t wash because The Kingdom made $50 million. Nothing makes sense.

7. Twitter finds a way to let you use bold and italics.

It’s the world’s fasting growing social network, yet they can’t find a way to make my tweets slanty? Pathetic.

It’ll cost you upwards of $150,000 to send your kid to a decent school for four years to drink and go months at a time without doing laundry. Seriously, who can afford this? It’s insane. Every child will be attending the University of Phoenix online within a decade.