Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Oh No They Ditn't....

OK this is a fun meme from Ann's Rants. Of course I can't follow the rules of these things to save my life so I'll just do my own. I present to you the rudest events I have ever experienced. I might not have a big list but they're goodies. I'm also adding in some things I wish I had said.

Growing up we were lucky enough to be able to spend summers at my grandmother's house in Newport RI (that's me rowing around with some children that have been foolishly entrusted to me). Because it's a tourist destination, a young student can always find a restaurant job and I had the distinction of being a horribly, horribly bad waitress. One especially busy night we were short-staffed and I was left with ten tables. In the middle of the shift a couple pulled me aside to make sure I knew how terrible I was.

Mean customers: "We just wanted to let you know this service has been the worst we have ever had. We didn't get our bread on time, our food was late and you forgot our second drink order entirely."

Dream Response: "Well I was disappointed in you as customers too. I don't think you handled yourself well at all. You shouldn't really try to order in another language unless you're fluent because it just sounds pretentious and you should really lay off the cream sauce."

Then there was the old guy in the train station in Czechoslovakia (thank you, spell check feature). We had gotten kicked off a train while en route to Poland, because we didn't know we needed transit visas. Anyway, we had to sleep in the station. I woke up when he came in -- a big friendly smile on his face, like one of those picturesque toothless dudes that serve as the unwitting backdrop to some overeducated American or British memoir writer who discovers themselves while traveling in Europe. Anyway, he picks up my water bottle off the floor walks over and squeezes my breast.

Dream Response: (in perfect Czechoslovakian) "Oh my gosh, that was so hot! I bet that just slays them in toothless rural Czechoslovakian old lady circles!"

Then there was the time one restaurant manager had the good sense to fire me. I won't mention any names but my boss was Eni and if I could spell it or remember her last name you may be certain that I'd be posting that as well along with her date of birth and social security number. Anyway, one night after work I was in the ladies room, in the stall, when Eni came in and slipped the envelope under the door.

Eni: "Sorry to do this here, but here you go." So I opened it up and read that I was fired.

Dream Response: Hey Eni, sorry to do this here, but I have a good-bye present for you!

Crazy Lady at my dad's funeral: Oh, you're Laurel? Oh I heard all about the miscarriage, and now your Dad died. That must be so hard. Are you pregnant again? (I wasn't)

Real Response: (insert sound effect of crickets chirping)

Dream Response: I honestly can't even come up with a good dream response here. Any ideas?

My three yr. old at church, while stretching my shirt over my shoulder: Mumma your moo moo (what she used to call nursing) bra is not pretty. You should wear the leopard one.

Thesis Advisor: You can't measure these things, but if you could, I say you have a really disorganized mind. Also your writing is weak.

Real Response: (insert crickets again)

Dream Response: I think this skirt looks hot on me. OMG It's soooo fun being 28. Have you met my Italian boyfriend? I bet I could spell Checkoslovakia without even using spell check!

Drunk guy at bar: "So, who's your friend?"

Dream Response: "Go over and introduce yourself and tell her I sent you. Here, I'll hold your wallet."

Little old lady who I let go in front of me last month at the bargain grocery store: "Oh I thought you were a man."

Dream Response: Again I'm coming up dry. Any ideas? Oh, wait! I got it! "Well you cute little Q-Tip, I know a Czechoslovakian toothless little guy around your age who would beg to differ!"

Oooh! For the Crazy Lady:"No, I'm not pregnant again. But is that a real mustache?!"Or the guilt trip:"Ah, so I see you killed my father with your 'friendship' and 'kind words'. Everything I heard about you IS true!" (don't forget to do those annoying air quotes!)LOL.

I'm so terrible at snappy comebacks. Besides the chirping crickets sound there is usually lots of stuttering. Thank goodness, I don't cry as much as I used to. It is so darn embarrassing to cry in front of jerks. My good comebacks arrive at 3 am. I never get to use them!

To the Crazy Lady - So nice to see you, are you on a day pass from the Asylum? Sorry about that early Alzheimer's diagnosis, I hear Aricept works wonders.

I had a professor write on one of my essays: "Run, do not walk to the Writing Lab!" Nice - coming from a Herman Melville fanatic who only wore nautical tee-shirts and whose favourite chapter in Moby Dick was "The Squeezing of the Sperm". Did he mention he was gay? (Not that I have anything against gays, but every single piece of American literature we read was somehow linked to his particular "taste".

MM yes I miss that view, but am looking forward to seeing it this summer! I'll send you a postcard from Washington St. ! :)

Hehe Kat, she really was crazy, I think she was a stalker type who had a crush on my dad and when he avoided her made friends with my aunt. Kooky stalker wench. I don't know what medication you could use for that.

I'm so glad to hear that Kat because you're such a good writer. If you even got critiqued than there's hope for those of us who got panned. :)

Oh my... What is WRONG with people?! I read Ann's and I swear to you, most of them have also been said to me at some point.

Luckily, no old dudes in foreign lands have groped me. (I like to think it's just because I don't get out much.)

I have been asked if I were preggo when I wasn't. I had on a huge hoody. I didn't even respond verbally. I just started pulling out the contents of the hoody's front pocket: keys, two 20 oz drinks (one was a friend's), portable cd player, two cds, and I don't even remember what else. the lady just looked at me like I was nutso and said," Ooooh. Well, you don't look as pregnant now." Umm, I was 120 lbs. Lay off, weird lady!