I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, & Anxiety. Every day can feel like a struggle. This blog is just a journal of my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Undeserving

I feel so lost. So confused. And utterly heartbroken. I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do with my life. My life was filled with such meaning and hope. Not to mention I was content and much happier than I have been in the past few years.
I have a massive headache, so I've been laying here in bed trying to get rid of it. I ended up doing a lot of thinking. And praying. I am so torn inside, and I just don't know what to do anymore. These thoughts I have are nothing new. However they really bother me.
See, I feel like such a terrible person. I really hate myself for the bad things I've done in my life, especially while manic. I've screwed up my life in more ways than I'd like to admit. Not only has it destroyed just about any feeling of self worth I had, but I've completely ruined my relationship with God and some of my friends. And I've come way too close to losing the man I love. I am so very ashamed of the things I've done. The real me would never have done those things. And it breaks my heart that now those things will forever be a dark part of my life, a part of my past I can never erase. I have so much regret. I wish I could turn back time and do things way differently.
But, I can't. And that is what brings me so much heartache and causes me to feel so sad and depressed. What hurts the most though is knowing deep down that I don't deserve the privilege to have a relationship with God, to teach others about him, or to even serve Him. I know God is loving and forgiving. I know that. But I feel so strongly that I do not deserve such kindness. I have brought such reproach upon His name because of my actions. And that hurts me to know I've done that. Every time I pray I end up in tears, apologizing to Him for everything, saying how sorry I am. I want so bad to make Him happy. But I really really feel I could never. I feel like a very bad person. I do not deserve to have any blessings, any hope for the future, and I sure don't even deserve to live.
I'm not feeling suicidal. Just really depressed about my life. And what makes things even worse? I love my man so very much. But I wonder if in the long run he'd be better off without me. I am so scared to hurt him. And, I don't wanna ruin his life like I've ruined mine. But at the same time, I could never end things with him... he is all I have. Even though I know full well that I don't deserve him either. I don't deserve anything at all.

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About Me...

I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and I deal with Anxiety. Life isn't easy but I don't want to give up, even though sometimes it seems it'd be so much easier to do so.
This blog is a way for me to get the words, feelings,& thoughts out of my head. And maybe along the way I can help someone out there realize that they're not alone in what they are going through.