How To Have A Very Bad, No Good, Miserable Time Hiking In LA

With summer already in full swing out here in sunny Los Angeles, everyone’s looking to get their hike on. Depending on how you go about it, you could either enjoy a great workout outdoors or end upshooting your toe off only to get airlifted home.

Through a little its own experience and lots of observation, Ive picked up these top five tips-off thatll insure a terrible, horrible , no good, very bad hour.

So, if you want to have no fun at all on the dozens of trails LA has to offer, follow these rules and youll be well on your way to suffering a full-blown temper tantrum, or even heat stroke!

Try to park as close to the entrance as possible.

Walking two whole blocks only to run walk some more? Ridiculous! You want to park ten feet max from the front gate. It will take you at least an hour to find a place that close, so dont plan accordingly.

Youll be rending your hair out before you enter the front gates — the first sign of a truly miserable hike.

Wear stupid shoes.

Theres nothing like being so poorly prepared for a hike that your feet dont even know what theyre doing there. Flat tennis shoes and flip-flops are good, but if youre looking to have a painfully bad hour, go with the biggest stilettos in your closet.

You could leave with a broken ankle, which would be clutch.

Forget to bring water.

Nothing kills a bad hour like having a refreshing drinking while in the baking hot sunshine. Itll be more interesting/ horrible for you to have to drinking from the doggy fountain or scour the shrubs for droplets of condensation because youre so parched.

If possible, drink lots of coffee and/ or alcohol before you set off on your hike so youll be extra dehydrated. Play your cards right with this one and you could die!

Arrive with a full bladder.

Theres nothing more uncomfortable than having to pee the entire hour youre climbing a mountain. As to what liquids should be sloshing around in your belly? Refer to Tip 3.

Explore off the trail.

You know youre the one person who can do this without getting stranded. Run for it. This is also the best way to come across the natural wildlife of Runyon Canyon or Griffith Park: coyotes, rattlesnakes, black widows, drugged-out drifters, etc.

With the super favorable odds of getting tangled in the brush or bitten by something lethals, this is the most adventurously dumb option.

* Bonus Tip: Never look down.

Look down( aka, away from your selfies) and youll avoid stepping in dog turd. Wouldnt want to miss out on spraying down your new Yeezys afterward!

Also, I should note, this list is like a pair of reversible jeggings. You can do the complete opposite of all these pointers if you want to have a splendid hour on LA’s trails. But what fun is that?

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