Hilary Duff’s “All About You” has leaked.

I once knew a dude who was hugely into Hilary Duff. It was totally fucking weird. I mean, Hilary Duff was for 8 year old girls and he was a man of a certain age. I was concerned about this. I don’t know exactly what happened to him, he’s probably in a maximum security prison now. I do however know what happened to Hilary Duff and no, she’s not off winning the Grand National.

Hilary’s musical comeback got off to an ambien induced coma of a start when she released that used condom on the beach-eseque recycled mess known as “Chasing the Sun”which may as well have been titled “Chasin a top 90 on the Billboard Hot 100” and so, with Norah Jones popping her song on for an early night over a Horlicks, she rush-released the second single from her upcoming album.

It was a good move.

Duff to me is kind of like the human walking version of The Hills.

When The Hills was still on I would scoff at those trolls and even though I watched that shit religiously, by the time it got cancelled I was like “Thank fuck for that!” But now that we have Jersey Shore, The Kuntrashians, and whatever MTV UK finds on a pavement on television, looking back at The Hills suddenly feels like a warm nostalgic journey to simpler times to gentle Sarah McLachlan music during a cold winter’s night.

Simpler times in terms of Hilary Duff is a popstar who didnt feel like patting her vagina vigorously like it had just ignited was course for par in a stage show.

There’s something sweet and disarming about her musical comeback that feels like it’s a welcome reprise from the absolute relentlessness of EDM trash that is top 40 now. Hilary Duff is sort of like a chunky knit blanket you want to wrap yourself up in on a beach house whilst sipping Tesco’s white wine. And I have literally no fucking idea what i just wrote, but it felt right.

“All About You” as a song is a massive step up in every way. Littered with banjos, summer hooks, brilliant production and lyrics that are heavily suggestive without being smutty – there is something distinctive about her girlish delivery inspite of her thin vocals which makes her songs feel a cut above talentless hack (See: Paris Hilton’s autotuned messes) but not challenging and/or mature enough to ever peg her truly in the adult-contemporary seg.

Katy Perry has proven that keeping songs generic and car-radio friendly works pretty well for her. Hilary Duff want’s in. She’s going for the smart middleground of playing well with the mid 20’s audience who remember her, whilst being catchy enough that it’ll play with teens, and sweet enough that older mums will get onboard.

What really works about this song is that it feels like a strong natural evolution of Duff’s own pop roundhouse. It’s not out of her realm, but it’s enough of a audible maturing that it’s almost surprising that the same singer was associated with the atrociously saccharine “Beat of My Heart” which honest to god could have been written by a ten year old girl with a glitter glu pen.

To be fair, I will always have a very special place in my heart for anyone brave enough to get a set of teeth so big that they could have caused a gravitational alteration. For these, Hilary Duff will remain evergreen.