(He wheels himself into the elevator and leaves. I bend over and grab my stomach, in tears. One of the nurses finds me and checks me out. I dry my tears and page security.)

Me: “Officer [name]? This is [me]. We’ve got a patient, Mr. [name], who’s been harassing and assaulting staff. He just slapped me in the face and stomach because I couldn’t take him outside. Could you do something?”

Officer: “That guy? He did WHAT? Okay, I’m going to talk to him right now.”

Me:*to nurse* “He’ll take care of it.”

Nurse: “How do you know?”

Me: “Believe me, I know.”

(The officer arrives and begins speaking to the patient. Meanwhile, the nurse and I slink outside to hear the conversation.)

Officer: “Sir, I understand you’ve been harassing the staff. A clerk reported that you assaulted her because she could not wheel you around. Now let me explain something to you. That clerk was on her break and did not have to wheel you outside. She did it because she is kind. You can wheel yourself, so you shouldn’t have asked her to begin with. Also, she is not only far smaller than you, but she is also obviously pregnant. It was incredibly selfish of you to ask her to do that, when you could probably tell from the beginning she couldn’t do it. And when you realized she couldn’t do it, you could have asked someone else. You had no right to assault her. You not only hit a woman, but you hit the woman who happens to be my wife and is carrying our first child, so if she or our baby suffers any damage because you thought it was okay to slap a pregnant woman in the stomach, I will personally make sure you pay for your actions in every way possible. Do you understand?”

(The patient gives a thoroughly terrified nod, and wheels himself away as fast as he can. That patient never gave me any trouble again. I love my husband!)

(I am working in the largest gift shop in the theme park. I am walking around straightening and folding the when I hear a middle-aged guests whistling. After a few moments, I recognize it as the theme tune to ‘The Animaniacs’.)

Me:*singing* “Pinky and the Brain, they want rule the universe…”

Guest: “…Slappy slaps them with her purse…”

Me: “…Buttons chases Mindy while Rita sings a verse!”

Together: “Why write a script? We have no script! Why bother to rehearse? We are the Animaniacs! We have pay-for-play contracts! We are zany to the max, there’s baloney in our slacks! We’re Animany, totally insany—”