So I watched “Transformers 3: Rise of Michael Bay’s Ego” last night at the special screening sponsored by PLDT and Nuffnang Philippines. Coincidentally, Shia LaBeouf gargles out a million dirty vaginas by launching dozens of douche-laden nuggets off of his tongue. During an interview with Details Magazine, the Oedipus of douchebags threw Shiarrhea at Oliver Stone, embraced his assholeness and basically admitted that his dick tip once touched Megan Fox’s poon.

On if he’s ever humped on Megan Fox: “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

On if Megan was with Brian Austin Green at the time: “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know…it was what it was.”

On being an asshole: “I would like to be George Clooney—diplomatic. I just don’t have the wherewithal yet or the inner serenity. My bullshit meter is tuned very sensitive. The minute it starts kicking up, I get back to truth, and sometimes that involves, you know, ‘I don’t want to take a picture.’ And if that’s the case, am I an asshole for being honest? Or am I an asshole for being dishonest, smiling in your picture and I fucking hate being there? Which one is worse? These are the questions I ask myself that George Clooney doesn’t ask.”

On Oliver Stone and “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”: “He’s trying to play nice. But for a movie like ‘Wall Street’ that had so much bite the first time around to come out without fangs and preach a message of hope wasn’t what people were looking for.”

Maybe Shia licked on the blowhole of a half-deflated inner tube that he nicknamed Megan Fox, but I refuse to believe that his nuts ever swept across the land that I have yet to conquer. LeDouche gave himself away when he said that we can see the chemistry onscreen. This just goes to show you that Shia permanently lives inside a bubble of delusion. I mean, human chemistry in a Transformers movie?! Crazy talk. The CGI Transformers had more chemistry with each other than Megan and Shia did. That’s like a shellacked hemorrhoid having chemistry with a dehydrated crotch berry.

Shia almost sounds like me when I tell my friends that Georgina Wilson giggles at my jokes (when I really mean is that I recorded Georgina Wilson’s giggle to my BlackBerry and play it whenever I make a joke).

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