I’ve never mentioned what company my husband works for. And I won’t now. But I’m heated at them, and so I’m-a-gonna-vent.

We get our health coverage via covered California. Why? Because to put our family on his work’s offering would cost 40% of his take-home pay. Which leaves 60% for things like EVERYTHING ELSE INCLUDING RENT. For example, if I paid you $100, first, you’d have to pay $40 for your medical insurance, and then have $60 for your rent or mortgage, car insurance, gas, utilities, groceries, phone or tv or internet… You get the picture. We’re on a shoestring as it is, so that’s not happening. Our rent is 20% of our pay. In other words, their offering is twice our rent. There’s something wrong there. And this isn’t actually my vent.

ANYWAY. While the medical offering is way out of our league financially, we do get their health insurance, as otherwise we wouldn’t have any, and this year, we signed up for vision. I need to take care of some things eye-related. Those premiums aren’t crazy, but this is the first year I’ve signed up for it. (My husband’s work, but he brings me all the paperwork.)

First of the year comes and goes, and I verify that yes, his payroll has been deducted, but we’ve received nothing on the vision plan. I ask Jay to find out who he has to talk to, because I don’t have a card, or a list of doctor’s or anything to prove we’re signed up. He finds the person and asks me to draft an email for him to send. (He works nights – email is his best bet.)

Email he sent:

“G’morning,

During open enrollment, I signed up my wife and I for Vision coverage. I confirmed that the coverage premium was taken from my paycheck. Will we receive any information on providers, or receive cards, or some such? There’s a need to visit an ophthalmologist, but we don’t know where to go.

Thanks in advance,”

Let me preface this by saying I have worked in HR. I’ve been the person that handles benefits, and signs employees up with the various companies. I’ve been that person you go to when you have a benefits question. So, when I tell you the response is inappropriate – I know what I’m talking about.

HR Division Manager’s Response, in its entirety, minus the signature:

“Did you read through your benefits package? You have to ask your doctor if they accept our vision plan and they will tell you what’s covered.”

So, Dear HR Manager, actually yes, I did read through the benefits package. Vision got one half of one page, shared with dental, on which it was explained that it’s a ppo with in-network and out-of-network stuff. AND THAT’S IT. I actually know what’s covered and the copays, I just don’t know how to find an in-network doctor, or PROVE I’M COVERED TO THEM. “You have to ask your doctor if they accept our vision plan and they will tell you what’s covered” Is NOT in the package. Did YOU read YOUR benefits package? Doctors are NOT supposed to give me a primer on my coverage, should I need it, YOU ARE. They’re paid to tell me that I’m blind. So – no worries… I’ll fucking find the vision plan’s number myself, go through the run-around of getting them to figure out that why yes, this random Michele Wilcox is a covered member, and ask them to give me a list of available doctors. At the very least, you could have said this as an HR MANAGER (Remember, I’ve done your job): “I’m sorry, but the vision plan works a little differently than other coverage. If you call this number, xxx-xxx-xxxx, or visit this website xxxxxxxx.com, and tell them you’re with ABC Company under Vender Number sl;dkfjsdlfl, they’ll be able to help you find the information you need. Please don’t hesitate to call with any other questions, I’ll be happy to help.”

The last week or so have been yucky and crazy. And this week, the kids are on spring break, while I deal with all this with them at home. It’s no big deal – just adds a layer of complication.

So… Let’s see. Let’s go topically.

Joseph

He had two incidences at school last week prompting calls to me etc. I won’t go into the details – at 15, that’s his story – but as a mother, it leaves me anxious, nauseous, worried, and and then I’m unable to sleep, which just makes everything worse.

Logan

Last week, Logan had three separate performances for the orchestra, missing a day of school for one set of them. He made it into a week long summer music camp (awesome) but I think I’m going to have to take him to the doctor to get a medical release (not so awesome – hard to get those appointments). In addition, his IEP for the year (go over this year, prepare for next year) happened. But they did it at 7:15am – meaning I had to get up at 5am, when I had only been able to get to sleep at 3am (see Joseph above). It’s been rough.

AND? I have to take him to the Museum of Tolerance for a required assignment. The assignment was that we could go to a memorial which is 5 hours away, minimum, or the Museum of Tolerance, or do a book report. Logan is on an IEP for learning issue – one main issue is converting his knowledge into the written form to convey his ideas. To do well on this assignment, the book report is a poor choice. However. We are busy on Sundays. They are closed on Saturdays. That leaves the work week. I don’t want to take him out of school, which leaves spring break. Which means, I have to lose a day of pay, and pay $50 to get Logan and Joseph and me in (Joseph is on break so he has to come with us), plus another $20 in parking. That pisses me off. And it pisses me off that the teacher is like, well of course you can spend that money. Um? Yes, he could have done the book report, instead. True. But that wouldn’t have actually taught Logan much in the way he learns. So I’m left paying the price, not to mention pissing off clients for a non-emergency. So that’s happening Thursday.

OB

My brother (currently the oldest since Robert died) has been having issues. I’ll call him OB, many of the issues are legal. Him and his wife, I’ll call OBSIN – it fits, have been sucking my father into their issues. It’s a long story that started about August of last year. I won’t get into it here in case of legal issues. But just a smidge of the drama, in one day and night, I contacted the Sheriff’s department five (5 as in 1-2-3-4-5) times due to her drama. OB spent some time in jail. He then got out on probation (or is it parole? It’s the one where you serve the rest of your sentence, really, but out). But they have significant financial troubles, and have been mostly homeless. I know OBSIN eventually was staying with a niece of hers, but I don’t know if that’s the case. My father’s been helping them off and on, in little bits. He let OB live in the back apartment for like two weeks after jail. All he did was sleep and eat. I tried to give him resources for jobs that take freshly released inmates – he DOES have skills – but he didn’t want them. Whatever dude, you’re 57.

The reason they’re homeless? They were living on his job’s property – the boss let them live in the basement of the place he worked. The deal was OB only, OBSIN was out of the state. Then she came back – and really that’s where it all went downhill. She wanted things her way, told OB’s boss, and OB’s boss was like… Um, no. So she smacked him. So he fired OB and kicked them out. They then tried to turn around and sue for unemployment and unlawful firing. Because that’s how they roll.

Anyhoo… Moving on past conviction, jail, an incident that landed me a 4th cat, the Sheriff, and an OBSIN who wanted to bring up ancient history when she didn’t get her way, and OB is out. Dad actually had all OB’s work stuff (he had his own tools/machinery), and it’s all in the yard tarped up. Dad found out that OB was driving a truck. His license is suspended, and the truck apparently belongs to a dead friend. My dad warned him again and again not to drive, and not to drive that truck.

In the meantime, They have a storage unit of stuff (they stashed stuff in storage all over town, and then we started getting collections calls trying to track them down). It went to auction due to non-payment. OB begged dad to bid. Long story, of course, short, and the auction finally happened yesterday. Well, the night before yesterday, Dad was trying to get ahold of OB. He wanted to make sure that he wasn’t having any friends, or OBSIN’s mother, bidding in the auction too – because that would just be their way. Dad never heard from them. So we bid in the auction – and we actually upped Dad’s high bid by several hundred more dollars than he wanted to go, but ultimately we lost the auction – he just didn’t want to go that high, and they are now losing their possessions.

I’m sure that will be Dad’s fault in the end. Or mine, for “talking him out of it.”

The reason that OB didn’t get back to Dad is because he’s been arrested. Again. For that damn truck. He’s currently being held on $25k bail $50k bail – it just got raised. OBSIN’s got the balls to ask my Dad for it (trust me – I haven’t told you half the story – it took serious balls), and Dad said no.

The Damned Computer

We received our tax refund, and we sat down and decided on what were our priority items needed, since we very rarely have a chunk of money. One of the things was a new computer. It would be for me, and Jay would take my perfectly great computer, because his died a painful death. The one that died was one we bought in one day for very little money so I could limp along with work after a cat/water incident. So this time, I was determined to get a good one that had what I needed to grow, and handle what I handle with ease. I finally chose one, and bought it from Amazon.

I got the computer two days ago, on Sunday, and I start setting it up. I have a bunch of different software I use. One thing I also use (because I’ve gotten my ass handed to me in the past) is Carbonite, for backups. So other than a browser I like, that’s one of the first things I tried to install to provide an easy switch for my files on my old machine. It would not – it said it couldn’t connect to their server, that it was being blocked somehow. So – I completely deleted their webstorage (in case that was blocking), the antivirus (I have one I’m installing of my own), and turned off the Windows firewalls. Still nothing. So I contacted Carbonite’s help support. They were very helpful. First dude took me through some things (like turning off the firewall). When that didn’t work, he took over my computer. He did a bunch of stuff, and from what I could see, he was hunting for hidden blocks, like virus scanning software/firewalls that might be hidden. There weren’t any. He finally apologized, and said he needed to escalate me to the next level of help. Story of my life, really.

The next lady was also very helpful, and took over my computer. She went into the system’s error logs. There were a bunch of errors that basically meant that Carbonite could not write to the harddrive. She said that she couldn’t help with that. Ultimately my computer was blocking permissions to Carbonite at the harddrive level, and that I would need to contact the seller or manufacturer. She sent me an email explaining what she did, the process used so I would have the verbiage, and the errors found, keeping the ticket open.

So I contacted Asus. While I purchased from Amazon, I figured they couldn’t help me actual internal tech support. At first I thought they would be helpful. The first person I talked to listened to what happened, and also had me paste the text from the Carbonite support. She went away, came back, and told that I needed to do a factory reset, and gave me the instructions on how. She then gave me a ticket number so I could come back if need be, after the reset was done, and installation attempted.

I attempted to reset using her instructions, but the key to get into didn’t work. Like at all. So I hunted a different way to get to the reset on the internet, and was able to set the computer to factory settings. But Carbonite again didn’t work. So I went back into the support, using the ticket I had. The new person basically said – too bad, so sad. That’s third-party software, we’re not gonna help. Why? Because I had installed something else that went fine. Carbonite is a little different though. It delves a little further into your system (on purpose, it’s meant to). But he said that since I was able to install other software, it’s a software, not hardware issue. I had already internet searched for this issue in regards to Carbonite. Nothing about this issue – and you know darn well, when it’s a software thing, everyone and their mother complains about it. It got heated between us. I said, “So – what you’re telling me is that the software says it’s hardware, the hardware says it’s software, the computer is out the box two days, you get a crapload of money, and I have a nice, expensive brick, and can’t access my work files?” Yes. They would be willing to have me ship them the laptop for a minimum of two weeks while they ran “diagnostics” on it. You know darn well those diagnostics would return as “fine.” I was spitting mad, and wasn’t about to send the machine to them and draw this nightmare out.

So? I called Amazon. I had a hell of time finding the proper contact number – so I just internet searched HELP Amazon phone number, and there it was. I spoke to a man named Charles. I told him what was going on in a basic way. This is what he said. He didn’t know if it was a hardware or software issue. But. He would send me another brand new computer, give me a label to send this one back. Then, at least I’m attempting with another machine. If it was hardware, maybe this will solve it. If it was software, I have another level of information to send to them. I get the new computer tomorrow. I’m not out any further money. He really attempted to listen to the situation and do what he could do to fix it. I specifically purchased the computer from Amazon fulfilling straight from the manufacturer, on purpose, so we wouldn’t have a third party selling issue on such an expensive item, and I’m so glad I did. So I’ll see what happens after I receive the new one.

Moral of the story is, I love Amazon, Asus’ “help” isn’t help at all, and Carbonite tries to help you, in a really nice way.

But for someone who has trouble spending money – all this chaos over a really expensive item is very draining for me.

First, I want to say that my son’s issues focus more inward than outward (toward himself rather than others). I don’t fear for others when they interact with my son – but I fear for him. My son suffers from mental illness. He’s 12. We are doing everything… everything in our power to help him. Everything we can think of. We’ve done a good job so far. We have. We are responsible. We watch his triggers. We have him in a special school trained to watch for his triggers before it turns into a crisis for him. Because in full blown crisis, he believes that his life is not worth anything at all. Sometimes he uses the tools he’s been given. Sometimes he forgets to – because he’s 12. Now that puberty has been thrown into the mix, the hormones mixing in with his brain chemistry, it feels sometimes like we’re starting all over again. He suffers. I hate watching him suffer. I worry. Always.

But he’s good. He’s kind. He’s funny and joyful. He’s an incredibly gifted artist, and has NO rhythm whatsoever. He loves to read. He’s discovered Harry Potter (the books) now that we’ve gotten past some of his reading learning disabilities. He’s discovered some other authors, and asks me to put on holds for him at the library. He gladly takes his medication, and he trusts and tries with his therapists and psychiatrist. He cooperates with his own care. He really, really tries. His little brother annoys him, and he worships his father. He has a truly close relationship with our cats (I swear animals are here to be healers sometimes). He asks for affection now. He wants hugs and kisses. And his room is perpetually filthy and smells like 12 year old boy. He likes toast for breakfast, loves ramen noodles, and asked for a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas. And for some odd reason his pants have started hanging off his butt, and I’ve started telling him to pull his pants up.

As I watched things unfold yesterday, I thought to myself, “I am Adam Lanza’s mother. And I’m all those other mothers, who’s children he stole. How, oh HOW do I keep from being Adam Lanza’s mother?” And I kept thinking about gun control. Why is the conversation about gun control? IT’S NOT ABOUT GUN CONTROL. STOP TALKING ABOUT GUN CONTROL. It’s about mental illness. For me, it’s about making sure this child, my child, my 12 year old little boy can grow up to be a functioning adult who doesn’t think “I should never have been born.” He made that statement last week. Thank God he spoke the words, though. He spoke the words and we as his parents, and his therapists, were able to help him through it so he didn’t make the statement a reality. Even a year ago, he wouldn’t have spoke the words. You see the guns don’t matter. If it’s not a gun, it’ll be a knife, or a machete, or a shovel, or pills, or a car, or or or… It’s not about the method. It’s about my son’s beautiful, beautiful brilliant tortured brain.

I don’t know what Adam Lanza’s life was like, or what his motivations were, or what his issues were. But one can logically say he must have been mentally ill to do what he did, right? But by God, I’m trying with my child to make sure that I never have to wonder. The fight is so fucking hard from every aspect.

Another mother wrote a heart-wrenching post. One that felt a little too close for comfort. But truth always is. Please read it. I’m no activist. I’m just a mom trying to her best for her son, and hoping against hope her best is good enough for him to survive. But perhaps the next time someone says “gun control” in reaction to a tragedy and senseless loss of life such as yesterday’s (God, such beautiful lives cut short… families annihilated) you’ll remember this post and think, “OK, but what about helping people cope with mental illness? Could that be a more constructive question?”

I love my son who has social phobia, ADHD (inattentive type), myriad learning disabilities, and clinical depression.
I love my mother who is bipolar (and now has Alzheimer’s).
I tried to love my biological mother who had borderline personality disorder.
I tried to love my brother, who was bipolar and hung himself at the age of 52.
I loved my aunt, who was clinically depressed, and killed herself with a shotgun at the age of 55.
And I try to love myself, I have PMD, and deal with these “episodes of thought” every blessed month, as well as depression.
There are more, but feel I can’t state their stories here. Some got help, some didn’t. None speak of it.

I got help. I got my son help. I couldn’t and can’t help my other family members. But, unlike the rest of my family, I refuse to be silent, the secret, the skeleton in the closet. I want my son to LIVE. And so here, I air my dirty laundry. Maybe it’ll help someone out there speak up, for themselves, or for their child. Maybe it’ll prevent terrible tragedies. Maybe it won’t do anything at all. But I refuse for it to be something to be ashamed of.

So, I lose at NaBloPoMo. I really did try, and then real-life kicked my ass in ways I’ve been unable or unwilling to talk about to this point.

First, my parents decided to usurp my parental authority. THAT WAS FUN. That’s a new dynamic I’m not used to – they’re usually very good at letting us be parents, and letting them be grandparents, and not blurring that line. It’s a pretty significant line seeing as how they’re together with the kids a lot, and we live right next door, so boundaries in the relationship are important.

So Thanksgiving. Yeah. My parents were no-shows. So, that was fun. Because of my mother’s health issues, AND my mother’s mental health issues, I have no idea if “mom’s sick” is actually, “mom’s sick,” or if it’s “we’re pissed off at you and so we’re going to pull the martyr/passive aggressive card to punish you.” Because my emotional maturity surpassed theirs about a decade ago, I truly, truly do not know which is the case. Yes, my mother is very aggressively ill. But has been so for the last 6 years. And because of her alzheimer’s she has a tendency to revert to past behavior (ie what made my difficult childhood difficult) there’s really no telling. I feel like a total bitch for not taking “mom’s sick” at face-value, but there it is.

Topping that – I made end of life arrangements for her on behalf of my father. Nothing like saying, “Yeah, she could go tonight. Or she could go 5 years from now. What do I do?”

And then Poe didn’t get an important promotion he really wanted, and I lost a client. I didn’t totally lose it, so I’m making progress in terms of how financial security plays a role in my own anxiety. But! The person he relieves is leaving and he’s stepping into the role, so it looks like he might be getting an inadvertent promotion anyway which is a good thing. It hasn’t happened yet, so we don’t know for sure, but if it happens, that’s a good thing for us.

And finally the big one.

I don’t talk too much, anymore, about my kids on my blog. At a certain point, their stories become theirs, and my mentioning them is really an invasion of privacy. I’m not totally sure where the lines are actually drawn, so I’ve just been going with my gut. But the latest “episode” in the saga of Joseph has really effected me, and so I’m sharing. Technically, he had 3 diagnoses. ADHD Inattentive Type, Social Anxiety, and “Mood Disorder.” The mood disorder was really depression – except that he didn’t fall into the time constraints to be diagnosed as such.

Well… Until he expressed suicidal thoughts.

There’s nothing quite like the gut-punch that is a 12 year old wanting to commit suicide because he feels like he’s too much of a burden to you.

He, however, has a tremendous team around him, and quite frankly, good parents who give a shit. And so, with further talking and testing, he’s no longer diagnosed with “Mood Disorder” but with Clinical Depression. We think it was probably always there, but a more mild form. Enough that his current medication helped with it (although he’s on it for other reasons). But puberty has hit with a vengeance, and we think that’s what finally tipped the scales into full blown Clinical Depression. Since his issues are of a brain chemistry variety, and Clinical Depression has to do with brain chemistry as well, adding hormones to the mix just blew the whole thing up.

He is safe – always was between us and the team – thank God. But as his mom… Dear God. A burden? God. We are, actually, very careful with our words around here. Always honest, but always, ALWAYS with the knowledge that words wound, and especially wound people with sensitivity and anxiety issues.

I’m so glad he was born to us, as opposed to anyone else in our families. Our families are rife with mental illness ranging from anxiety to Depression to BiPolar Disorder. Our family is rife with suicides. But also – our family is rife with not speaking about it, not getting help, not medicating where actually necessary, ignoring the symptoms, and labeling as “Bad.” I thank God that Poe and I decided we were not going to continue on our families’ path. It means we’re pretty much ignored and ostracized. Too much truth telling is scary for them.

But if we weren’t who we are? If we didn’t make that decision? Would Joseph be dead?

While I’m am grateful for us and his team catching it fast, and I’m grateful there is help for him, and I’m grateful we don’t stick our heads in the sand…

Some days I just want to scream. I want to scream and bury my head and not get out of bed. I want to get drunk and forget everything. I want to be alone and not have to deal with anyone or anything.

Today is voting day in the United States of America. While votes happen annually or more for local/state etc… This is the big kahuna – the 4 year Presidential election.

I live in California. There are a few initiatives on the ballot that I think are “heavy hitters.” I was a little bothered that I didn’t even know they were up for anything until I read my voter information. I was surprised at the lack of publicity over the potential changes to the three-strike law, or the freakin’ death penalty. I mean, c’mon. Regardless of your actual stance on the subject, “do we execute these criminals or not” or “dude, do we kill ’em” might be important. Just sayin’.

Anyhoo… If you have the right to vote? Use it. If you don’t, you have no right to complain, and you’ve just shown your ignorance. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. If you’re given some sort of say and don’t use it? You negate your ability to complain about the results. I don’t necessarily like everything about how the system works (for example, I believe we should get rid of the electoral college), but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to vote. I consider it a privilege, exercising my right, and a duty as an American. If I want my governmental body a certain way, than I have to use the legal device I’m given. If the rest of populace doesn’t vote my way, at least the hope is that the governmental body will reflect the wishes of the majority of the people of the country even if they’re all wrong.

The folks who don’t vote because it’s inconvenient? “I can’t get off work,” or “I work nights,” etc? No excuse. That’s why we can vote by mail. Poe works nights. He will be asleep, or at the very least not coherent, during the times the polls are open. So, instead, he votes by mail. I work from home (which doesn’t mean my time is my own – the clients expect me at the computer doing the work I’m being paid for). I have two kids. My elderly folks are next door. And? We have odd emergencies other folks don’t seem to have. Such as yesterday when my father came over in a panic ’cause he lost mom. Yes, really. Because I truly never know what to expect around here? I vote by mail.

The folks who don’t vote for reasons like, “it’s one of two evils,” or “I’m Libertarian and my guy will never win” simply don’t fly for me. Awwwwww, boo-hoo-hoo. Figure it out. You’re whining. Be an adult. Which leads me to another opinion.

I think a great majority of folks would agree with the above. But I also think you should REALLY VOTE HOW YOU FEEL. If you truly believe in the Libertarian party, then vote for Gary Johnson. If you truly feel Ron Paul is the choice for you, because he lines up most with your beliefs, then write him in. If you settle for voting for one of the “big guys” because you feel that’s the only way your vote will count, you’re not exercising your rights, you’re settling. I think that if more people would vote how they truly feel, that’s when REAL change would start. I personally am voting for one of the “big guys,” but that’s because I think one of them is the right answer for this election. I’m not settling. If I felt Ron Paul was the dude, that’s who I’d vote for, and let the chips fall where they may, because that’s how I think it should work. True, my guy might not win THIS election. But what if everyone started voting on their true beliefs and gut? What would happen? Would it upset the apple cart? Probably. But would the will of the people have spoken? Yes.

I figure this late in the game you already know what’s on the ballot and where your polling place is so I don’t have to smack you on the back of the head. But here’s a couple of places they’ll be tracking results if you need it: