Real Housewives

Contrary to Gizelle Bryant's look of dramatic horror above, it was a relatively tame week in Potomac, with the number of evergreen scenes strangely outweighing the scenes that moved the plot along. In all, it added up to a rather relaxing episode for our Maryland ladies. So let's get started, shall we? Cue the opening shots of tennis courts, horseback riding and country clubs!

In yet another segment that felt like a case of self-production, this week's episode in Potomac kicked off with Karen Huger taking her daughter, 17-year-old Rayvin, to a self-defense class. Her reasoning for the class being that Rayvin is going off to college and needs to know how to protect herself from all the crazy people out there. Plus, Karen apparently got mugged coming back from a mall last year, so the danger is real, people. (I'd really like to know which seedy mall the grande dame of Potomac is frequenting, however. Aunt Dot would be having none of that.) As a tearful, sweaty Karen starts giving Ravyin the "I know you're ready to leave the nest" speech post-class, I can't put my finger on what it is that makes me feel like she is constantly putting on a show for the cameras. I've been hard on Karen the last couple of weeks, but do you guys sense that too?

Meanwhile, Ashley Darby and her husband Michael are busy interviewing applicants to be a personal assistant for her. Wait, what? I'm pretty much the same age as Ashley and I don't need an assistant yet. Give it a few years, girl. You can't be that important yet. Ashley's interview questions range from choosing between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry (Taylor, obv.) and identifying a famous Australian (Chris Hemsworth, duh) to having the interviewees display special talents like voguing. Little Miss Ashley is giving Ramona Singer a run for her money in the interview department. I'd still prefer to work for the Singer Stinger, though.

Over at Chateau Charrisse (can we call it that yet?), Robyn is visiting the lady of the house for some catch-up girl time. We haven't seen Charrisse and Robyn interact much yet, but Robyn explains that the pair share a special bond as NBA wives, having met when Charrisse's husband Eddie was Juan's coach when he played for the Washington Wizards. Charrisse asks Robyn how her relationship is with Juan these days, and the only answer that's possible is...it's complicated. Yes, they live together but no, they're not in a relationship. But that doesn't mean they don't have sex, because they do. Basically Robyn doesn't have a word to accurately describe what's going on between her and Juan these days. Charrisse's relationship with Eddie is complicated as well, but for entirely different reasons. After opening up to the other women last week, Charrisse fills Robyn in on her marriage problems, and things have gotten so bad that she let Eddie know she wants a divorce. Over text. Yikes. According to Charrisse, Eddie is a great father, but happens to be a terrible husband and something has to change.

Across town, Karen invites Gizelle over to dish the dirt on Katie Rost's strange behavior at Ashley's kitty-cat party last week. Karen's just glad the pair are finally spending some time gossiping about the other girls and not each other for once. According to the grande dame, this semi-shady definition is what passes for loyalty in Potomac. Once the ladies sit down, the tea starts getting spilled immediately. Both found Katie's odd behavior at Ashley's birthday disconcerting to say the least. From her constant over-the-top PDA with Andrew to jumping into the front seat of Ashley's new Porsche, what was going on with her?? Karen subtly alleges that she doesn't want to say the "d-word" (drunk?), but basically does so anyway. The universe, however, doesn't take kindly to Gizelle and Karen's gossiping, because every time they mention Katie's name, a giant crash of thunder interrupts and makes the pair jump. Upon their third try at gossiping, the power in Karen's house goes out completely. Thou shalt not speak ill of they co-stars?

Following a slightly uncomfortable scene in which Ashley chooses to openly discuss her mother's bankruptcy on national television, Karen meets up with an anxious Katie for lunch. While her PDA session with Andrew is still at the front of Karen's mind, Katie's more concerned with talking about her upcoming event for the Rost Foundation. After apologizing for her very-public make out session, Katie explains that she's putting together a casino night fundraiser for Imagination Stage, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing arts programs for children, and she wants Karen to join the hosting committee for her event. Oh, and she only has one month before she wants to raise $100,000. Reluctantly, Karen explains that she's putting together a gala of her own that evening, so she won't be able to help Katie with hers. And this, folks, is what Andy must have been talking about when he said the Potomac ladies reminded him of early RHONY, because I am having serious flashbacks to Jill Zarin's fundraiser for juvenile arthritis. Fingers crossed that this Rost Foundation event can give us a moment as iconic as "apparently she thinks she's Madonna."

We get a peek into Gizelle's dating life - where the policy is "no scrubs allowed" - this week as she goes on a second date with Herman L. Taylor, Jr., a former member of the Maryland House of Delegates with an affinity for green pants. They share a somewhat awkward dinner of raw oysters at a new, hip restaurant and Herman toasts to their potential future together. Apparently four dates equals forever - an idea Gizelle is clearly not a fan of as evidenced by how wide her eyes get at the suggestion. Herman needs to slow his roll. The date does go well enough, however, that Gizelle decides to invite the politician to Karen's upcoming yacht party, where the policy is strictly B.Y.O.M. (bring yo' own man). But don't get too excited now, Herman, it only counts as date 2.5.

Next, Katie and Ashley go on a golfing double date with their respective significant others, Golfing isn't exactly Katie's cup of tea - she much prefers the cute outfits and driving the golf cart - but she's still a much better golfer than poor Ashley, who can't even manage to hit the ball. While Andrew and Michael continue golfing, the girls go for drinks at the clubhouse, where Katie promptly fills Little Miss Ashley in on how hurt she is that Karen refused to join the hosting committee for an event. Karen's reasoning for declining was also full of shade, pointing out that the events Katie and Ashley have been a part of so far have come across as appealing to a much more juvenile crowd than the grande dame wants to subject herself to. Ashley finds this explanation rather ageist, because who can argue that a kitty-cat birthday bash could possibly be targeted at teenyboppers?

The night of Karen's yacht party arrives and all of the ladies are there with their men except Robyn, who refused to follow the B.Y.O.M mandate by bringing Juan because, you guessed it, they're not a couple. A single Charrisse was turned off by the idea just as much, but decided to put on a white dress anyway and show up flanked by Brynee Baylor and another woman whose name apparently isn't important enough to be seen onscreen. As the yacht cruises down the Potomac River, it becomes quickly apparent that the party will be a full-blown shade-fest. First of all, the entire reason Karen decided to throw the couples cruise down the river was to subtly educate Little Miss Ashley on how a real event should be thrown in Potomac. Then, when Katie pulls Gizelle aside to ask her to join the casino night host committee, Gizelle agrees, but only on the condition that the event be less of a hot mess than Katie was at the kitty-cat party. Ouch.

The biggest uproar of the night, however, comes when Ashley's husband Michael decides he wants to turn the party up by taking a swim in the Potomac. And as luck would have it, he just so happened to wear his swimsuit underneath his slacks! Before the rest of the 'Wives can comprehend what's happening, Michael's pants are undone and around his ankles as he's shuffling to the edge of the boat. Karen immediately jumps in to scold the tipsy Australian for his display - pants are expected to stay up at a Huger event. Gizelle joins the bandwagon to educate Ashley that this is simply not what black people do in Potomac. Never mind that Michael is a grown white man capable of making his own decisions, but for someone who said at the beginning of the season that she did not have time for all these etiquette-obsessed ladies, Gizelle certainly seems to enjoy doling out etiquette tips herself. Once Michael's pants are securely firmly around his waist again, Ashley decides now is the perfect time to invite the ladies on a girls' trip to her beach house in Bethany Beach, Delaware. Cast trip here we come! Ashley informs everyone that the trip is strictly no boys allowed. If you have a protrusion in your pants, you're not invited. Katie wonders allowed what that means for women with large genitalia, which causes Gizelle's look of horror and gives us yet another TMI moment from Ms. Rost.