The challenge of being accountable

It is very difficult for a man to admit he made a mistake. For many in anger management when asked “why are you here” the answer is “she….” and we go from there.

Unfortunately our culture while paying lip service to the idea of mistakes, doesn’t tolerate failure. A child at one, learns to walk by falling down and getting up. But at some point there after mistakes are not allowed. The combination of early shame, critical fathers and overly busy mothers leaves the boy as an orphan without much nurturing and he learns from his peers what he must and must not do

So when asked what has he done wrong he goes into internal terror and defiance. Deep deep down an admission means total failure and annihilation. He has no defences, his identity is so caught up in his behaviour there is no room for error by him. To say “I made a mistake” equals “I am a mistake”. There is nowhere to take that, he is back on his own just as was at two or three years old. He is alone and isolated.

Unfortunately the process is exacerbated by blaming the man for making the mistake. It is more important to concentrate of the “why” of the behaviour to get him thinking. We find men are relieved to see others are able to admit things and they don’t die. Like everything in life we learn as we mature screw ups happen to us and by us. Moreover we cannot “win” all the time, at some point there is a letting go. In the meantime the man puts himself in a no win situation, the stress means he has to control everything and everybody. Living a life of “quiet desperation” going nowhere