On Nov. 27, 2011, at approximately 4 p.m. two male juveniles reported that while they were in the Sports and Aquatics Center on the Evanston campus, a man in the shower was engaged in self-gratification. No physical contact occurred between the man and the juveniles and they were not injured.

A detailed description of the offender could not be obtained.

The incident is under investigation by the Evanston Police Department. Contact the Evanston Police Department at 847-866-5000 or the University Police Department at 847-491-3456 if you have any information that might assist in this investigation.

The University Police Department reminds all community members to report suspicious activities/persons immediately to University Police or Evanston Police by dialing 911 or by using a blue light emergency telephone.

We know that Northwestern administrators had only the students in mind when they forbade the teaching of the ancient art of fucksaw. But we wonder if, perhaps, frequent fucksaw demonstrations were the one thing that could satiate the sex-lust of Northwestern students? If public fucksawings were the one thing keeping Evanston from devolving into a violent, pansexual orgy? And if, absent fucksaw, strange men masturbating in the gym shower is only the start?