If You Ever Meet An Alien (Politician)

By Mark Kneubuhl –

(May 3, 2012) Listverse.com has more than 2 million readers each month. Their focus is on Top Ten lists that intrigue and educate, specializing in the bizarre or lesser- known trivia.

A recent Listverse piece entitled, “Top Ten Tips If You Happen To Encounter An Alien,” caught Newsbyrd’s eye. We often think of politicians as having a rather alien perspective, so we took snippets of the article and replaced “Aliens” with “Politicians.” Everything else is verbatim, except when in parenthesis.

To infinity and beyond…

Each year thousands of people claim to have been contacted by politicians. The reasons explaining the likelihood of such an event are interesting in themselves; however, it is marginally possible that you might one day find yourself ‘beamed up’ to communicate with curious politicians. You would suddenly become the ambassador for all humanity (or at least 99 percent of humanity). This is a tremendously important position to be in and it is crucial you do the right things. .

So what should you do when you meet them? Here are some tips for hopefully ensuring a friendly relationship.

If you find yourself in the company of politicians, they may not immediately realize that you are more intelligent than other animals. Observe them to see how they communicate.

Do not waste your time worrying about your car (valuables). They have the power to take a simple car forcefully, and you are not going to be able to stop them. But more than a car or any other item, you yourself are much more valuable to them than anything you own.

Do not worry about politicians zapping you with their beam weapons or whatever they might have. If they wanted you dead you would be dead before you even saw them. The last thing you should do is act in a threatening way, as this will make them less likely to want to have diplomatic dealings with you or possibly all of humanity by extension. You are alive but still at their mercy.

Politicians might be acidic, toxic, or diseased, so do not touch them yourself; use a stick or other handy object.

Much of what we do on Earth would not be at all obvious to a politician visitor. Try not to be afraid of the bizarre actions they might make. Remember also that they could be just as individual as humans, or perhaps more so, so do not expect every single one of them to pay attention to you.

Visiting politicians might have observed us secretly and therefore might speak to you in an Earth language, but if they had observed us for long enough to learn our language, then they also would have chosen a world leader or significantly influential person to abduct.

Once the politicians have established that you are intelligent and are actively trying to communicate with them (through generous donations), your value to them increases.

Once basic communication is established, do not tell them that humans are the masterwork of God and all other creatures, themselves included, are inferior. Apart from being appalling diplomacy, you should learn more about them before including them in statements which were probably not made with them in mind.