My (26f) boyfriend (29m) feels that there’s no reason for me to know who his friends are or anything about them.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I have expressed to him multiple times that I cannot have secrets in a relationship, and that it feels like he hides who his friends are, what their names are, everything about them, as well as hides any conversation that he has with them. I know that he has more female friends than male, and that’s all fine and dandy. But I feel like if you’re having conversations or doing things that you have to hide from your significant other, then you shouldn’t be doing those things or having those conversations. He claims it’s because of how his ex-girlfriends have acted about him having female friends that makes him hide it, but I’m not his exes and I don’t care what gender of friends he has so long as he sets clear boundaries, respects our relationship, and demands their respect for our relationship. I’ve asked him many times to just be open about it so that I don’t feel like he’s hiding things from me. I’m not asking to see his texts or supervise his conversations or anything like that, but when I ask just out of curiosity who he’s texting (like he sometimes does to me), I expect openness and honesty about who it is instead of “a friend”. He’s constantly texting people and has all kinds of friends all over the world, yet I only know the names of three of them. Everyone else is “oh, just a friend”. He thinks that it’s so absurd and controlling for me to want to know who his friends are and things about them, which makes me feel like he just doesn’t want me involved in his life in any depth. He made the comment last night that “it’s not like you’re ever going to meet them, so why does it matter?” 🤨 But he plans trips to go see said friends and I’m never invited, and apparently (based on that comment), I never will be invited. Even when some of his friends come to our area, he mentions going to see them, but I’m never invited. He’s said “They invited me, not us, and I don’t want to just show up with someone.” (Do they even know I exist, homie?)

I have always been open and honest about my friends. When he asks who I’m texting or what has me smiling when I’m looking at my phone, I tell him. I have nothing to hide, so it’s no big deal. He knows the code to my phone, and I can hand him my phone to respond to my texts while I’m driving. I’ve made every effort to be transparent with him.

I love him and want to build a life with him, but after being in a marriage where my ex-husband kept secret after secret from me, secrets are just an absolute dealbreaker. It seems like he thinks this is perfectly normal for me to never know anything about his friends and never meet them, but I’ve never been in or known of a relationship where this is a thing. Marriage is something that he’s expressed he wants, but if this is still a thing...? 🤨

I guess I’m asking - - Would it be acceptable to you for your significant other to never tell you anything about their friends (no names, no info, nothing), and for you to never meet them? And - How can I explain this to him??

TLDR; Boyfriend of 1.5 year won’t tell me anything about his friends, says that I’ll never meet them so it doesn’t matter whether I know them or not. I’m not invited on trips to see his friends, nor am I invited to meet up with them when they are in our town and he goes to see them.

[EDIT] to answer some repetitive questions/comments:
- Yes, I have met all of his family. We visited them Christmas 2017 and while down there, I was able to meet one of his friends as well. But that’s the only one I’ve met in person.
- He’s prior military and has moved around a lot, so he has friends literally all over the world, so meeting them in person can be expensive and difficult. He has one female friend in the town we live in that I don’t know and just found out about yesterday. All the other local friends are mutual friends that we met at the same time and we hang out with all the time.
- We live together and he spends most of his time at work and at home, with the occasional “me time” at a bar. Him being married or having another home elsewhere is definitely not the case.
- Yes, I mentioned going through a divorce 9 months ago. My ex-husband and I have been separated since the beginning of 2017 and he’s been a dick about getting the divorce finalized. My boyfriend walked into my life after my separation and after I moved away when I wasn’t looking for a partner and things progressed.
- He has been through some serious trauma and spent years with an illness that eventually had him in a hospital bed for months before having a life changing surgery. These two things have obviously drastically impacted his mental health and the way he views things/people/life. He’s yet to be able to fully explain how/why that impacts our relationship as much as it seems to. Yes, I’ve suggested counseling.
- He wants marriage at some point. I’ve been skeptical of marriage after being burned so bad in my last one. I’ve told him that marriage is something that I would consider after 30. Marriage is an end goal for him, and at one point, he was concerned about our relationship because he felt like marriage was not an end goal for me. Point being (in response to people saying “why would you want to marry this guy?” or “I cant believe y’all are considering getting married“), discussion of marriage hasn’t necessarily been on the table. I mentioned that it’s his end goal to say that he wants it and yet still thinks this is acceptable.

No, I’m not oblivious to this not being okay. My intentions are to let him read this post and the comments from unbiased strangers pointing out how not okay this is. Because if he’s telling the truth and it’s all purely innocent and he just has some hangup about telling me about his friends, then I want him to see and understand how abnormal this is so that we can hopefully work through it, whether on our own or through counseling.

I love him and want to build a life with him, but after being in a marriage where my ex-husband kept secret after secret from me, secrets are just an absolute dealbreaker. It seems like he thinks this is perfectly normal for me to never know anything about his friends and never meet them, but I’ve never been in or known of a relationship where this is a thing. This has been going on from day one, and marriage is something that he’s expressed he wants.

TLDR; Boyfriend of 1.5 year won’t tell me anything about his friends, says that I’ll never meet them so it doesn’t matter whether I know them or not. I’m not invited on trips to see his friends, nor am I invited to meet up with them when they are in our town and he goes to see them. This has been going on from day one.

[EDIT] to answer some repetitive questions/comments:
- Yes, I have met all of his family. We visited them Christmas 2017 and while down there, I was able to meet one of his friends as well. But that’s the only one I’ve met in person.
- He’s prior military and has moved around a lot, so he has friends literally all over the world, so meeting them in person can be expensive and difficult. He has one female friend in the town we live in that I don’t know and just found out about yesterday. All the other local friends are mutual friends that we hang out with all the time.
- We live together and he spends most of his time at work and at home, with the occasional “me time” at a bar. Him being married or having another home elsewhere is definitely not the case.
- Yes, I mentioned going through a divorce 9 months ago. My ex-husband and I have been separated since the beginning of 2017 and he’s been a dick about getting the divorce finalized. My boyfriend walked into my life after my separation and after I moved away when I wasn’t looking for a partner and things progressed.
- He has been through some serious trauma and spent years with an illness that eventually had him in a hospital bed for months before having a life changing surgery. These two things have obviously drastically impacted his mental health and the way he views things/people/life. He’s yet to be able to fully explain how/why that impacts our relationship as much as it seems to. Yes, I’ve suggested counseling.
- He wants marriage at some point. I’ve been skeptical of marriage after being burned so bad in my last one. I’ve told him that marriage is something that I would consider after 30. Marriage is an end goal for him, and at one point, he was concerned about our relationship because he felt like marriage was not an end goal for me. Point being (in response to people saying “why would you want to marry this guy?” or “I cant believe y’all are considering getting married“), discussion of marriage hasn’t necessarily been on the table. I mentioned that it’s his end goal to say that he wants it and yet still thinks this behavior is acceptable.

No, I’m not oblivious to this not being okay. My intentions are to hand him my phone when he gets home and let him read this post and the comments from unbiased strangers pointing out how not okay this is. Because if he’s telling the truth and it’s all purely innocent and he just has some hangup about telling me about his friends, then I want him to see and understand how abnormal this is so that we can hopefully work through it, whether on our own or through counseling.

Agreed. I just went through this with a relationship recently. We were long distance, and it wasn't so much about hiding me from friends (I did meet some of his), but it was more about his activities when I wasn't around.

He had a lot of female "friends" as well - I noticed the activity on Instagram. He was clearly meeting other women. We had great communication in a lot of ways, and when we talked about the subject, he always maintained that they were all "just friends." I believed him because everything about our relationship seemed healthy - we always talked about feelings, insecurities, he always answered random phones calls at any hour, he never took more than a few minutes to reply to texts. All signs of good communication and strong interest in one another.

While I was there visiting last, I was staying with him and he left to go on vacation with his family. I got a call from him the next evening, breaking down that he had lied to me. That one of the women he had maintained was "just a friend" the entire time we were dating, was actually the person he was on the trip with.

Odds are, you won't get that kind of overt confession, but my guess is, you're in a similar scenario. You're one of many women he is seeing.

Realistically, if your relationship was healthy, and they were truly "just friends," then you meeting them and interacting with them shouldn't be a problem. As well, going a year and a half without meeting people in his inner circle, is a huge red flag that he's not committed to you. At all.

And, he told her about me as well. Once he had kissed me goodbye that morning, left me at his place, and got on that plane, he realized that he was in the midst of a massive web of lies and felt like he finally needed to be honest. BooHoo for him...

Even after their conversation, she told him that she thought he was so brave for being honest, begged him to extend the trip, to talk about it, and wanted to continue to explore dating one another.

Moral of the story, don't bethatgirl.

​

Let the other women have him. They probably deserve each other anyway.

How do people become like this. Are they raised by a pack of wolves? One of my friends got played the same way. We all met up so she could cry on our shoulders but honestly, we were seething... people like that make me livid.

For sure, insecurity is huge. And, often, I've found these types to harbour characteristics of narcissism.

These are usually deeply seeded issues. And, if you are fortunate enough to fall for someone who at least, recognizes it, and cares about you enough to seek help and get to the root of it, then awesome.

For the most part though, these people go through life without ever thinking about their impact on others.

Truth be told, it's always hard when you're in it. These are the types that tend to be the most charming, which makes them seem super attractive. It's almost like kicking an addiction when you cut them off. It's hard.

Ultimately, though, you can't stay in relationships with these people - not if you want to be happy and feel like equal contribution is present in the relationship.

Yup, you’re spot on, the more I got to know him, the more I realized he became super invested in people right away, the same way he did with me at the beginning of our relationship. But when it was too inconvenient for him to deal with them, he dropped them.

The hard part for me was that he’d hooked me at that point. I was addicted to the extreme love and support I’d received from him when I first met him. When he revealed his real character, I didn’t want to believe the initial “him” that I met wasn’t real. And he balanced the crappy selfishness with moments of tenderness that made me think, “there he is, he was just having a bad few weeks but now he’s back to normal.”

I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t have the strength to let him go myself, and I’m not proud of how things ended. I was miserable. As a result, I ended up being a really crappy romantic partner at the end, jealous, angry and insecure. And looking back on it, I think I subconsciously wants him to be the one to break things off because I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. It sucks. I wish I could blame him but my actions are my own.

I think the main takeaway from this experience is that if the guy you are with does not add to your life, does not consistently make you happier and a better person, then he is not worth the time.

Yup know the type and I was stupid! Never again! Cheated on me and I caught him, defined my dealbreakers that day and I refuse to back down on them too. I have better things to do then deal w a drama llama!

That sucks about your friend. I hope she was able to walk away though. That type of relationship is a sure path to perpetual unhappiness.

These wolves [in sheep's clothing] are really hard to spot. So, I get why she fell for said person.

They are charming - always saying the right things to keep people interested. They love to be liked, and knowing anyone is mad at them or dislikes them, drives them absolutely crazy. So, they say what they need to, to whoever they need to, to keep up appearances.

It happens in layers though, and really, they build themselves right into a the middle of a [proverbial] house of cards. Collapse in inevitable. And, when it happens - and they show true colours - people who have been getting hurt by them, need to GTFO.

There will be others who are willing to keep buying into it and picking up the pieces. Let them.

Exactly, it's a power play, he's quite content having her be transparent but won't be so himself, he holds all the cards & selfishly controls the dynamic of what he shares, ignoring her dealbreakers about being upfront & honest because in all reality, he knows he's can't be those things so plays the control card to manipulate having things exactly as he dictates he should, a good relationship has balance & a good guy shows a semblance of playing fair, this guy is all about himself as a year & a half in her need for open honest dialogue for the good of both parties mean nothing. Op should take her own autonomy back & find someone who shares similar values.

Yeah, not the other woman. She's just the one he's cheating on with multiple other women. He won't tell her who his "friends" are. They visit from out of town and he goes to see them? Yeah, at a hotel that he probably paid for.

Not as likely. One of many women will usually end up meeting some of the guy friends. Guys know when a friend has multiple women and sometimes would go along. When it's the other woman however... That's when you hide her

Agreed even if he isn’t cheating physically he’s giving himself mentally to other people you aren’t invited on. Even if you met one of these ‘friends’ I’d bet they would be surprised to know you exist or that he has a relationship with you at all let alone a year and a half one.

u/knoxchivette I’ve been in your exact situation where my ex girlfriend did, scarily, the exact same thing your boyfriend is doing and I was the “other guy (woman in your case)” in the situation. If he’s anything like my ex he’ll end up gaslighting you, blaming you for their own actions, and make you feel like you’re the villain for wanting a transparent and honest relationship. In my situation she also went on a smear campaign to anyone who would listen and tell them lies about me to get them on her side because, in her words, “I don’t want people liking you more than me.”

Save yourself the years of therapy I went through to find out I wasn’t the asshole in the situation that she made me out to be and move on from this guy. There’s someone out there who you will fall more in love with that will actually respect your boundaries and will incorporate you fully into their life and wouldn’t have it any other way.

To my ex who I know is stalking my reddit account,

I really hope you never put anyone else through what you put me and the other guys before me through because of how empty of a person you are inside. I stand by my words when I finally got smart and ended it with my therapist’s encouragement that you were misery incarnate.

Was about to write this. Anyone who doesn't prioritise your concerns especially after you've told him that you don't like secrets, is violating you and is probably hiding not just something but a lot from you.

It doesn't look like he cares for you because a person who cares would pay attention to your concerns and help you resolve them. He's not doing that. Hence, the only conclusion is that you're not as important as the others in his life. It sucks OP, and I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear right now but it's what it is. You're clearly sidelined and not respected enough and you need to leave.

Yup. OP is almost certainly the side chick. She should dump this guy and work on her self-esteem. She's put up with this behavior for nearly two years when most women would be thinking "wtf?" after only a couple of months.

Hence why I said she needs to work on her self-esteem, since, clearly, despite what she says about "secrets", she's very much willing to put up with behavior that most of us would find unacceptable and breakup worthy.

Definitely feels like this to me. Hiding everything and doesn't want you to meet his friends because his friends will wonder who you are and then he has to be awkward and say 'a friend' or 'girlfriend' and it's a lose lose for him.

Get out if you don't want to be a side piece. Which it sounds like you want to be someone's actual girlfriend.

Even if you aren’t the other woman..this man doesn’t see a future with you. When you are with someone, you want to share many aspects of each other’s lives... it doesn’t mean that you physically need to be there for all of them but at least know what’s going on.

If he has so much to hide... why is that a future you want? Be with someone that respects you enough to share his life with you.

I’ve honestly wondered that. Because he wouldn’t really post anything about us on Facebook and wouldn’t allow the post that I’ve tagged him in to show on his timeline. Which I know that Facebook isn’t that big of a deal....but........

You said in your post that secrets are a deal-breaker. Your man is nothing but secrets, and it seems that he has been very clear that nothing is going to change. You won’t meet his friends and they likely know nothing of you. How will you build a life with someone who doesn’t seem to want to include you in theirs?

Probably another like your ex who could sense you would let it happen :/ it's so easy, when you're used to this level of abuse and gaslighting, not to even realize the boundaries you tried to set are being violated...

He didn’t become super secretive about it all until the last 6 months or so. Before that, he would tell me about the ones that I know about, I met one of his friends while we were in his hometown for Christmas with his family, and I was under the impression that I would meet more of them when the opportunity arose.

My ex was the same with the whole Facebook thing. I met his friends and family etc, but apparently showing he had a girlfriend on Facebook kinda ruined his chances with the Tinder-girls he was hiding me from.

Trust me, Ive been there. They gaslight you by saying fb isnt a big deal. Unless he doesnt use facebook at all and is one of those people kinda against the culture, not wanting a public relationship status after a year and a half is very telling. Not posting or taking photos is a big indiciation. Not allowing tags is a big indication. At least when all of those things are happening together.

The simplest answer is almost always the right one. Pretend youre an outsider. Would you know who his girlfriend was, or if he even had one, from his profile? Theres your answer.

My ex was obsessed with facebook and we were very interactive on it. But later on, it was the total opposite. Turns out she was slurping up dudes at work and on tinder everyday and threw out the idea of an open relationship when confronted. We went to a concert and I could not get her to take a selfie with me in it despite her used to always doing this.

When we did, she said to use my phone and just tag her or something. She goes to another concert with her friend a few months later and of course there were pictures of the two of them everywhere including a little cute "omg concert was such a blast with [tagged friend] etc etc. None of that with me. Plenty of pictures and statuses about the concert, but if an outsider looked at that day on her feed, hed have no idea she went with someone else, let alone her boyfriend.Nope, nope, nope.

This. A thousand times this. I've been here too. OP, He's hiding you to keep his options open with others. There is no other explanation. They make excuses but they are just that, excuses. Find someone who is proud of you. I wish I could take my own advice.

YES. They gaslight you into thinking you're being ridiculous and an attention seeker for asking to be acknowledged on social media. They gaslight you into thinking you're the crazy clingy obsessive girlfriend for asking to meet their friends. They gaslight you into believing you're the needy stalker who can't spend a night alone because you ask to be taken once to a weekly hangout. They. will. lie. and say they're chilling at home or working on a project, etc. so they can avoid taking you to a party or game night. BUT, in private they still act madly in love with you and gush about a future and house. OP, we know what this shit looks like. They LOVE fucking with your head.

I was also on the flip side of this scenario, where I had a good friend who barely talked about or acknowledged his girlfriend. I knew she existed somewhere, but that was it. In our numerous hangouts and game nights and bar hops I never once saw her. He cheated on her with multiple women. However, none of these multiple women worked out longterm. So at that point, he went through his resources and manipulated her into settling down with him and getting pregnant as a last resort. She still has absolutely no idea.

Honey I didn't even get halfway through your post.. you've spent a year and a half like this? Oh honey, nooo. I hate to tell you this, but normal relationships don't function this way, and he is definitely not being faithful to you. Find someone that values you enough to actually include you in their life.

He doesn’t allow your posts on his timeline? He is hiding that he knows you and spends time with you.

Your the other woman, or he doesn’t take your relationship seriously. End it now. Your worth love and respect, if he was happy to be with you you would be going on double dates and meeting his family by now.

Even if your not the other woman, he doesn’t take you seriously. He is using you as a time pass.

Yeah, I have to agree with the others here who said this is a huge red flag. My ex wouldn't allow me to post on his wall either. He made up some story about his friends posting porn on his time-line as the reason why. Right, because FB allows so much porn on people's walls, lol. Turns out I was just part of his harem and him hiding me from his friends and coworkers was because he didn't want to hurt his chances with other women.

This guy is hiding something. My feeling is that these other "friends" are women he's either involved with or is trying to become involved with. Someone who wants to be exclusive doesn't hide their partner.

I've been in that exact position before - constantly keeping secrets, hiding me - he had added our relationship status on facebook but only made it visible to me.

I found out through a girl he had asked to sleep with him that he had been cheating. Leaving that relationship was one of the best decisions I've made, please just consider what you can do to make yourself happiest in the long term

Did we date the same guy, lol? Mine did the same thing, made his relationship status visible only to me so he could make me think everyone could see it because I kept complaining that he wouldn't change his status. He was incredibly secretive and guarded his phone like he was Gollum with the One Ring.

Getting out of that relationship was the best thing I ever did as well. I feel like the OP will feel the same if she gets away from this guy. It isn't worth the anxiety and never-ending doubt to stay with someone like this. She can hopefully find someone who doesn't hide her and is proud to have her meet his friends.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're repeating the exact same pattern :/ Facebook kind of is a big of a deal if he's hiding you and the mysterious friends are a huge deal. You should see a therapist if you aren't already to help you identify these patterns so that you're not repeating them over and over again.

I would go get tested for stds if I were you and move out now! You are being used and can’t even go through w a dealbreaker? Therapy is in order to find out why you’re allowing someone to do this to you. I am sorry if it’s harsh, but someone needs to say it. Get out ASAP!

Dude I was treated exactly like this and getting out was the hardest thing I'd ever done at the time. But I'm so happy I did, my life is so amazing in so many ways right now (dating included) and I would have missed all of this if I'd stayed.

It was only terrifying for the first few weeks and after that I just never looked back. Absolutely no one has treated me like a Russian spy since! You owe it to yourself to have someone take pride in you and love you and show you off!

And if hiding, are you the “wrong” race, culture, class, education, background ... anything you can think of? ( to be clear, I only mean wrong race to someone that might care about such, not saying you are in general or even if is such a thing as wrong )

Have you googled him? Searched your local public marriage registry? Done a reserve image search of his face? I mean honestly...it is SO obvious to everyone reading this you're not his primary girlfriend...he may even be married!

It’s clear through this example that he is.... the friends thing is just another example of him hiding you. Regardless why, it doesn’t seem like an open transparent relationship and it’s clear it’s on his end.

Rotflmao!! “Allow?” Why do let him roll over you like that? Have some self respect. This dude sounds like a dirtbag. And i’m too tired now to be mean. But you already know what i’d say because i’m guessing your friends and family have alreadty told you alll you need to know.

I’m really sorry but this sounds like you’re the side chick. I hope I’m wrong :(

I think that some counselling is in order as to why you “won’t tolerate secrets” in a relationship, yet have been doing so for a year and a half. And you’re the secret.

Given that your previous relationship was like this as well, I’d have a deeper look at your family - was someone in your family a secret maker, or someone who kept things hidden ? Because it sounds like you’re consciously or unconsciously repeating an old pattern here, and it’s not serving you well.

I would suggest telling your BF that you want to meet his friends, all of them, in the next month. I’m willing to bet that he will refuse, and if you push it he will dump you. Probably on the grounds that its your fault for being “controlling”.

I would be loathe to go into another relationship without unpacking this pattern, and without learning how to set and enforce boundaries with a competant and compassionate therapist.

Her post history said she was going through a divorce 9 months ago. It sounds like she found out ex was an asshole and left so it doesn't seem like a case of long, drawn out situation where maybe they were separated forever and finalized divorce later. Either way, her bf sounds like he is hiding something so she should probably leave and work on herself.

It can also be a really arduous process depending on the situation, I left my abusive ex in November of 2016 and our divorce was JUST finalized December 2018. I started dating my current partner in January of 2017, so we are still together almost 2 1/2 years later and I was technically married for most of our current time together.

I read her comment 9 months ago completely different. In the comment she specifically calls her former husband "ex-husband". All it says is that the best thing she ever did was leaving him, so to me it sounds like the divorce was finalized at the time. I haven't seen any indication that she was still married.

Some states require a period of separation before you can even file for divorce. I dated a guy years ago who was legally still married, but had been separated from his cheating wife for several months (his friends corroborated this story). The state they married in required a minimum one year of separation before they could divorce, presumably to encourage reconciliation if possible.

Some states require a period of separation before you can even file for divorce. I dated a guy years ago who was legally still married, but had been separated from his cheating wife for several months (his friends corroborated this story). The state they married in required a minimum one year of separation before they could divorce, presuming to encourage reconciliation if possible.

Divorce proceedings can take forever -- up to a year isn't unheard of.

She wasn't married 9 months ago. She just stated in a comment 9 months ago that leaving her ex was the best thing she ever did so for herself. In fact the way she refers to her EX-husband makes it pretty clear that the divorce was finalized at the time.

On top of that, divorce proceedings can take forever -- up to a year isn't unheard of.

He has another girlfriend and his friends know about her, which is why nobody will ever know about you. This exact thing happened to me but 2 months in I found out and left.

Edit: to OP's edit, my ex would also go to the bar to have "me time". Thats where he met with his main girlfriend. He also had two jobs, one of them was a cover for (you want to guess?) meeting with his main girlfriend. They always went to her place until he came back to his alone. I usually stayed with him, and his roomates had met three of the four of us and never said a word. 2017 is a long time ago, its very possible they don't know you are still together. My ex wanted to marry me too, you know, because I was the most special woman on the planet. That female friend you just found out about? Probably his girlfriend....

To OP's boyfriend reading this: it doesn't sound like she is going to leave you because if she had read anything objectively, she would realize you are a liar and would leave. So now you are going to get better at covering your tracks, and she will continue on as if she taught you a lesson. Wow! So productive.

Edit: to OP's edit, my ex would also go to the bar to have "me time". Thats where he met with his main girlfriend. He also had two jobs, one of them was a cover for (you want to guess?) meeting with his main girlfriend. They always went to her place. I usually stayed with him, and his roomates had met three of the four of us and never said a word. Perhaps his family thinks you have an open relationship or are just a friend?

Yes, he actually was seeing three other women. He said he didn't really use Facebook, and neither did I so I didn't think much of it. I did, however, look at who was liking his pictures on Instagram and was able to see three consistent women. When I looked at their profiles, he was liking every single photo of theirs which seemed odd to me. When I asked him who they were, he dug himself a big ol grave and it was obvious he was lying about something. I thought he was just flirting with them, but months after I ended it the women contacted me and said they "heard I was dating him too" and we hashed out the details and all got the same bs story.

This was in San Francisco, so being poly is totally normal there! He said he hated that lifestyle and preferred monogamy. Its even more frustrating because I was leaving and didn't want a relationship, yet he just pulled out all the stops to try to sweep me off my feet.

Its called "romantic narcissism." They need to get you to bare your soul to them and to trust them as a way to make themselves feel better and in control, because thats all they can control. Its sad and pathetic really, although I was really hurt at the time and not sure if I was overreacting by breaking up with him.

The silver lining is one of the women never told him she knew, and eventually ignored him. But she shared all his pathetic messages with me (the main gf broke up with him and had told her about their relationship and mine). It was pretty hilarious! I know he would be mortified by me seeing these messages, but the jackass got what he deserved.

It seems like this is sort of sadly half true: he hated having women he was dating "living that lifestyle" (i.e. seeing other people), and preferred that they be monogamous with him. It's just that those rules don't apply to him, you see.

Oh god, that sounds like my ex. He always blamed me for not being able to explore nonmonogamy ("if it weren't for you") and the way he talked about it sounded like he wanted a harem of monogamous women.

What I thought was interesting about this guy was that he was supposedly really close with his sisters. I felt that made him super respectful of women, but I was wrong. His mom died in a car accident that he himself was in too, but he was a year old. His dad became an alcoholic and his older sisters took care of him. I don't really understand how this turns someone into a narcissist, but my god did his sisters have no idea who he really was. At least, they got a totally different guy. They were too fierce in their protection of him and now he is not responsible for any of his actions.

Thanks for sharing. I’ve never heard about “romantic narcissism” but I could related to my situation after reading your comment. I’m also in SF and i think he is doing exactly this: keeping me around to make himself better and in control. Time to cut it off of my life.

Triangulating is a major part of the ego rush. Some people are entertained from the drama of making two people into anxious, insecure wrecks. It's sad how empty your life has to be to not enjoy a relationship for the mutual respect and affection, but only for the buzz you get from mistreating others. It's also a twisted thing Hitler did (sorry Godwin's law, but I was always struck at how openly he made his cronies battle each other for years).

Ding ding ding! I lost count of how many times he asked if I was seeing anyone else. Like every other day he would get all mushy and talk about how special I was and how he liked me so much and really wanted to know if I felt the same way and only had eyes for him. It was too much too soon, which was setting of my spidey senses.

It also Narrows down the pool of women who will be with someone like that. A lot of people date in order to get into a relationship that moves forward. It narrows a person's options if they're just looking to date around casually for sex.

I agree with this, but FYI there are polyamorous people who have and want long term relationships. I know several couple who are married with kids but also have girlfriends/boyfriends and are open and honest with everyone. It’s not just for people who want casual sex with lots of partners.

And those people aren’t going to want to date someone like this. Lots of open or poly relationships still have boundaries or rules - always use protection, not in our bed, don’t sleep with my friends or family members, be honest when you’re seeing someone else, etc. or even just an expectation that you’ll still make an effort to spend time with your first partner once you have a second. It’s rarely an absolute free-for-all. Someone like this, someone secretive and dishonest, would probably be a bad poly partner just as they’re a lously monogamous one.

Absolutely, and I never suggested polyamory for the OP’s boyfriend. I was simply sharing information that polyamory is not just casual hook ups all the time. With that comes all that you mentioned, healthy boundaries and communication.

That's perfectly understandable. I dont think anyone is saying they cant. Poly relationships are actually on a HIGHER level of trust and boundaries than that of regular relationships. But people like the men we are talking about dont value any type of rule or boundary. They just like to seduce women for the ego boost of it.

Agreed, and I was not suggesting it for him. I was challenging the belief that polyamory is just hook ups and never long term relationships. The person I replied to said people date for relationships that move forward, which seemed to imply that polyamorous relationships do not do that.

Because these types of guys don’t want to practice true polyamory. They want to be able to freely have sex and date multiple women at the same time but want their partners to be 100% about them for the ego boost. These types of guys do not want their partner to have sex with or entertain anyone else.

Also, not everyone should try polyamory. You have to be able to trust and communicate with your partner, which is the exact opposite of what this dude in the original post is doing.

Poly is not the answer to people like this, poly takes a whole lot of maturity, communication, and commitment to make sure everyone is happy and getting what they need. Even in poly you still have people being secretive and hiding partners which is a big fat taboo.

Just wanted to note that polygamy and polyamory are completely seperate things and that, along with the LGBTQ community and recent feminist movement, polyamory is becoming more widely accepted because our world is becoming less biggoted.

It also isn't illegal and based on a religious, sexist infrastructure as is polygamy.

He was always tired and busy, and I did question him about why he worked so much. He had a dayjob and was "helping a friend with a project" after that day job. I quickly called him out on his supposed "needing money" yet working 30 hrs a week for free didn't make sense. The other girls he was messing with were 15 years younger than me so they didn't question it.

This also happened to one of my best friends, utterly heartbreaking for her, she’d been waiting around for him to make it official then got a call from one of his two other girlfriends one day. The guy is an utter narcissist and bullshit artist.

So sorry your friend had to deal with that. I was heartbroken and it had only been two months! He convinced me we were made for eachother and that he never felt this way about anyone. I was the newest gf so I could only imagine the other women who had been strung along for much longer. I am glad she was able to see the truth about him.

Boyfriend of 1.5 year won’t tell me anything about his friends, says that I’ll never meet them so it doesn’t matter whether I know them or not.

I can't believe you've been dating this psycho for 1.5 years! Wow, woman you need to get your self esteem on and find someone who cares about you. If this guy had a pet, his friends would have met it by now.

I'm positively surprised by how nice and eloquent everyone is being in the top comments. I read this and all I could think of was "how the hell have you been putting up with this for 1.5 years???? get out of there!". I don't even think she is "the other woman", the dude is probably involved with multiple other girls and just living a single life while letting her believe he actually cares for her and enjoying the safety of someone willing to always be there receiving just his minimum efforts.

How can you keep saying secrets are "absolute dealbreaker" for you if that's all you're receiving for over a year and no deal has yet been broken? Please wake up, my girl, jesus fucking christ

I have expressed to him multiple times that I cannot have secrets in a relationship

So here's the thing... you are in a relationship with multiple secrets. You have expressed your concern about this many times. Your boyfriend disagrees, doesn't care, and isn't going to change. You can't change him, so you really have two options.

Accept that you are in a relationship with many secrets.

Leave him.

That's it. Those are the options. There really aren't any special words you can say that will suddenly make your BF change his mind. You get to choose between 1 and 2.

My hubby and I have friends all over the world, and even if I might never meet some of his, I still know that G. in Florida has a 10k down payment for a house, S. is struggling and want his 3 boys and wife to move back home, and that L. just managed to sell some antiques he was trying to get rid of. He also knows about my buddies who all live 5000 miles away and opened a food truck, about J. who got pregnant and about C. who has opened a second café.

He claims it’s because of how his ex-girlfriends have acted about him having female friends that makes him hide it

"And I have a problem with you hiding it, not the female friends". It's not "absurd and controlling" to want the very basics about your boyfriend's life - it's bee 18 months! It's bizarre that he's not including you in his life, which makes me think he's deliberately keeping you separate from it. At this point it's not that you're not privy to a few specifics about his life, it's that he's got his entire life, and you're this little tiny isolated part of it. Friends matter - when my wife and I met each other it was important for both of us that we met each other's friends, because they're an important part of our lives. If he's keeping you away from his friends, that implies to me that you're just not that important a part of his life.

So in short, no it wouldn't be acceptable, and I'm amazed you've let it go on this long. It's not even that he might be hiding anything untoward, it's the fact that he's got this weird compartmentalisation going on. Not even inviting you when they're in town? Ridiculous. That's utterly incompatible with marriage, for a start. You need to start putting your foot down - either you're a part of his life, or you're not. If he's unwilling to include you, even superficially, in the rest of his life, why subject yourself to it? That's not the behaviour of someone in a committed relationship, that's someone with one foot out the door, or just keeping things separate because he's figuring you'll break up sooner or later and wants to keep things clean.

That line stood out to me too. IMO, if multiple exes have had a problem with the way he conducts himself around his female friends, I would hazard a guess that he's behaving inappropriately with his female friends. Hiding said friends from OP does nothing to dispel my assumption.

Yeah, very good point. Because even if he's not doing anything wrong, he should recognise that his exes were the unreasonable ones, and therefore not assume OP will be the same. I've got various female friends and my wife's never had an issue with that, even when we first started dating, because everything was out in the open, she trusted me, etc.

There was a post on here a while ago where the guy lived both with his girlfriend and his wife and neither had a clue of his double life... Just when he was gone to "work" he would spend that time at the others house and sometimes would be "travelling"

Wow OP. Kinda seems like you refuse to believe what you don’t want to accept is real.

If you live together, why hasn’t he had friends over to your house when you’re both there?

Why not have a dinner party for all friends?

That’s what normal people do.
Try it and see.
Looks like you are looking for any excuse not to accept the reality of your relationship. Guess that’s more important to you than actual healthy and happy life.

I think the previous poster is also going on OP's responses to other comments. Such as the fact that OP's boyfriend doesn't post about their relationship on Facebook and won't allow tagged pictures of them on his timeline...

This particular relationship issue comes up from time to time here...usually the partner who is not allowed to interact with their partners’ friends or family especially after years of dating are 100% side piece.

Change your Facebook status to in a relationship with him and tag him in a picture together. Guarantee you find out who his actual girlfriend (or wife) is. Do you really think you can marry someone that won't let you meet their friends? I bet you haven't met much of his family either if any. He's hiding you. It's very obvious.

You can set this so that it requires your approval to be visible to others. My ex didn't want me tagging him (similar situation as OP--I was the secret girlfriend), so he set it to require his okay to have anything show up on his wall that his other friends or harem members posted. If this guy is really trying to hide her like it sounds he is, he'll have figured out all the hacks to keep others from knowing about his secret girlfriend.

I was in this situation before. Get out while you can. He hid everything from me because he was cheating. And the “friends” were girls he was going to see while I was at work. He hid everything on his phone from me. I only met a couple friends the 2 years we were together. He even stooped as low to tell me a girl was his cousin, but was yet another girl he was cheating with.

My goodness, that wouldn't be a relationship I would enjoy being in (regardless if he is actually hiding bad stuff or not). I really care about transparency in a relationship. For me it is such a crucial thing to communicate and share about things, that my partner and I don't only experience together. I enjoy so much hearing about exepriences and people they care about or even random encounters. With the kind of person your bf is, I would probably never have made it beyond the 1 month mark.

​

And one more thing: Him using words like "controlling" and "absurd" in regards to your desire for transparency borders on a total different topic (aka emotional abuse). But maybe that is a can of worms to be opened another time.

Girl, you’re 26. What are you doing waiting around for this boy? You have you’re whole life ahead of you. He clearly doesn’t see you as his forever. You have been dating over a year, you should know at this point, who his friends are. It’s not acceptable in a relationship (for me anyways) to have friends, who are a big part of someone’s life, to be completely separated from the significant other. Find someone who is proud and excited to share that part of their life with you.

Yeah he's not hiding his friends... He's hiding you. From his friends and potential other girlfriend. You could be the side chick. I think you should tell him he either needs to introduce you to his friends in person or else you are done. You deserve better to be honest.

I’m going to be blunt with you.. secrets are clearly not a deal breaker for you seeing as how you’re still with him. If secrets really were a deal breaker, you would have broken up with him the first time he kept a secret.

I'd be willing to bet that he's hiding you, either from all his friends or someone in particular that he's seeing. If you've told him that you don't care that he has female friends then he has no reason to hide you.

What matters is that you’re not ok with this, and you don’t have to be. Either he’s screwing around, or you have fundamentally incompatible values, but either way, this doesn’t really seem like a good fit.

So this is who he is. This is what he's been for One and a Half years. You writing this reddit post, the answers you're gonna get - - none of that is going to make him change.

He's been doing this the whole time. He's hiding his friends, he's likely hiding you and your existence from some of his friends. He literally has told you that you will NEVER meet his friends.

So if secrets like this are a deal breaker... Why are you still dating this guy? This isn't a new development. This has ALWAYS been who he is.

To answer your question, no this isn't acceptable behavior. But there's no point in trying to change or explain it to him. You really think he's going to change for you? He doesn't seem to respect you that much.

I usually caution redditors about breaking up with their partner because of advice from strangers, but in this case breaking up is absolutely the right choice.

If he asks why you're breaking up with him you can say that you have self-respect and he is not respectful to you when he hides you.

It's also very important to me that men have learned from past relationships, and he clearly hasn't. Maybe he's just an idiot, but he's not even putting it together that all of his exes had a problem with how he treated them.

I have expressed to him multiple times that I cannot have secrets in a relationship, and that it feels like he hides who his friends are, what their names are, everything about them, as well as hides any conversation that he has with them.

You said it, but so far, you didn’t really mean it. After all, he continues to keep secrets, and you’re still with him.

It seems to me that he does not have any intention of building a lifetime partnership with you. And he has perceived your desire to be a low maintenance girlfriend and exploits it to minimize any challenge to his behavior.

My motto is: if you have to keep it a secret you already know you shouldn’t be doing it.

And I was gonna leave it at that, but then I kept reading and got to the part where he is going on trips to meet them.

They 100% do not know he even has a girlfriend, and I am positive that he is sleeping with them.

Being the cool girlfriend doesn’t mean it’s ok to let your boyfriend do blatantly shitty things against you. People only vilify paranoia as a distraction from their own shitty behavior. If you’re a level headed person and alarm bells are going off in your head, it’s because your partner is doing things that are subconsciously raising flags even if you haven’t consciously admitted it to yourself.

This is crazy, you should have ended this after a couple of weeks, but either you’ve been conditioned for abuse by your ex, or by your family growing up, or you are a people pleaser. Regardless you are repeating a pattern from your ex, to the current guy.

Doing what others want won’t make people like you, it will just let them take advantage of you. Users/abusers can sniff out victims, and since you want to make people happy, or because you are accustomed to being abused you just go along.

You need to get with a therapist ASAP, and figure out what’s going on inside your head so that you can break the pattern.

He said he is going to marry you? And you believe him? He's also said you're never going to meet his friends. Unless he's planning on marrying you in secret, under the cloak of darkness, one of these statements is a lie.

OP this is history repeating itself. You know you need to get away from this guy.

He said he is going to marry you? And to u believe him? He's also said you're never going to meet his friends. Unless he's planning on marrying you in secret, under the cloak of darkness, at one of these statements is a lie.

I don't think I could deal with that at all. Especially since he expects answers from you but is unwilling to give you any answers himself. And the Facebook thing? His behavior is shady like a cave. If you just wanted to make sure that you are not overreacting, I think you have enough from all of us to be confident in drawing a line and letting the chips fall. You are not a pet that stays in the crate when people are visiting. He's a ridiculous jerk if he really thinks this is okay.

If he posts about you on FB, I'm betting he has multiple FB accounts and you're on the "side piece" one. Sorry but a guy who never plans on having you meet his friends is not a guy who is faithful or committed to you at all.

No I’m someone that’s extremely adamant about being against people on Reddit just throwing out “break up with them” on these threads, but damn even I think it’s time to end this. Why would you never meet his friends? My girlfriend and I live with 2 of mine. Somethings not right, and it’s got nothing to do with his exes.

I just went through this, from the very beginning my now ex gf didn't want to introduce me to her friends, would make every excuse she could and when I finally forced her hand she ends up telling me that now she realizes she wasn't ready for a relationship. Run, do not walk away from this guy!

I’m willing to be reeeeal generous here and say maybe this is just one giant comedy of errors, where you do all the things that trigger him most and he does all the things that trigger you most, and there will be a Nathan Lane cameo and maybe a musical number at the end.

But even if that were the case (and honestly, I suspect it’s not—‘have you met his friends’ is item one on every Cosmo ‘is he into you’ quiz), that would make you two fundamentally incompatible from a stylistic angle. Even with the most generous explanation out there, you two have wildly different ways of going about having and maintaining a relationship.

This might be work-outable with counseling if you’re both invested enough, but I’m skeptical of any dude who has a string of ‘crazy exes’ who all mysteriously behave in the exact same way completely coincidentally.

WHY are you tolerating this?! He's not bringing you around for a reason. You could be the "other woman", he could be a serial dater, into drugs, not proud of you, the list is endless. He clearly doesn't care this bothers you and doesn't plan to fix it. He doesn't see a future with you.

A year and a half...you should have met his friends long ago. You need to dump this guy. There are men out there that would be PROUD to bring you around and not keep you a dirty little secret. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER. Work on believing that.

In general, by this point in your relationship you should expect to know a lot more about his life and friends.
You don't have to be intimate friends with all of his friends, but you better believe that by about the 6 month mark of us dating, I had already met all my boyfriend's friends and vice versa. Now we've been together going on four years and our friends can all assume that if one of us knows something, the other does, too. There are no secrets, which is particularly important because all of my (F24) friends are men.

Getting to know a partner's friends is a statement of, "hey, this is someone I really like and could see myself invested in for a potentially larger part of my future." If your partner is refusing to take that step with you, it's concerning, and I think you are valid in feeling the way you do. I don't believe I have enough info to say exactly what is going on, but that is really suspicious and strange.

Either way, leave him. I’d feel as though a partner being shady and distant instead of curious and connecting over that time frame would be a deal breaker. You’re honestly better than him in so many ways already, as you respect your self and honor your worth. Sending some good vibes!

He talks about marriage and also tells you you will never meet his friends. Lol ok guess they aren’t invited to the wedding? Come on, you know he’s bullshitting you. Doesn’t matter why, there is clearly no good future for your relationship. Red flags are out of control here.

This is not normal. I dated a guy who did the same thing, I only ever met two of his friends, while his friend group was HUGE. He never brought me along to friend functions, and never posted things about me. After the breakup, I found out he was trying to get other girls while we were together. I think part of it was he was embarrassed of me, no idea why though.

Please Girl.. he's not your boyfriend... I can bet that he's someone else's boyfriend... year and a half... most people met his significant others friend when they are dating... or when you become BF GF... so Im betting no one in his group knows you exist... dont make a life with this guy move on.

Secrets in a relationship are okay in some instances. If a guy sneaks a cheeseburger once in a while when his wife gets on him about his cholesterol, that’s a normal secret. He had a moment of weakness and Karen has really been on his case and he stress eats sometimes. It’s not that big a deal.

Here’s where your situation is different and starts heading in the direction of “not okay secrets” territory. He is keeping other relationships from you and intentionally blocking you out for some reason that only he knows and understands. Anyone outside his own mind is not going to just naturally be okay with him seemingly spending time with other people and you don’t know what kind of people he’s around. Our instinct is to be on the defense because you don’t have any sense of how those people might think of you, and it’s a perceived threat. It is completely normal to have that kind of response because you have the expectation that he values your time, but someone else you don’t know anything about is taking up more valuable time he could be spending with you.

At the very core of the relationship is the expectation of trust because you also expect that you both know what the endgame of the relationship is, and that there is equal sharing of responsibility to meet those expectations. If you sense that he might be hiding something from you, your gut feeling is usually correct in some way because along the way something he did made you give pause as to whether he is honest with you, and the more he deflects being open about who else he spends time with the more red flags go up.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best, but I think this guy is bad news bears and you aren’t crazy for wanting to have that information. Whether it’s bad for your relationship or bad for your life in general, I’d cut your losses before a bad situation gets worse.

I’m so glad. It breaks my heart to think of someone just slowing themselves to be anything less than what they are worthy of. You deserve love. You deserve compassion. You deserve the type of forgiving and trustful loving was that can only come from someone that actually cares about you. If my fiancé asked to see my phone or questioned something I did I would talk about it or give him my phone because I have nothing to hide, I would then try to have a conversation about why he was feeling that way so that we could get through it together in a healthy way. And I KNOW he would do the same for me.

We are human, we have insecurities, and we can only try to understand and help our partner through it all if we want to grow together.

I hope this post has shown you that you are worth more than what you are getting right now.

My ex was the same way. Especially with female friends. My dumbass just accommodated everything. I let go that and accepted that he just wasn’t an “open” person. He wasn’t open about anything really.

I caught him twice. Once telling an ex “He never loved me.” He wanted her back, but she didn’t want that. Right when I moved in with him. He had text her right before I moved.

I kept hearing a different female voice over Xbox. I playfully asked who it was. “It’s a friend from school you’re so fkn insecure.” He was cheating on me with her. He’s now with her.

Not saying both of our experiences match. I’m just saying vague information says a lot. He might have something to hide. I would also take the “it’s not like you are going to ever meet them.” As “I don’t see a future with you.”

He is gaslighting you to make you feel crazy. You KNOW this is not normal. You seem to attract men who have lots of secrets— why? And I’m not saying this to be mean or judgmental... I was always attracting men with the same themes in relationships. I’m also divorced from someone who was lying and visiting women at work, on dating websites, etc. It took me awhile to see that it was because I continuously ignored red flags and believed them over myself! You know in your gut that he isn’t being honest or good to you. Get out of there!

I've seen it all. And it honestly seems like you're the one he's hiding unfortunately. This man doesn't see a future with you and unfortunately isn't someone you want to build a life with in my opinion :( I really hope you get out before you catch him in something more serious than just texting "a friend". You deserve better.

Dude I’ve known my partner for less than a month and I already know all of his friends names, what they do and why he loves them. Of course it’s not acceptable. You deserve way better and like everyone else here I’m afraid you might be the other woman.

You’ve asked him many times to stop hiding things from you and that it’s a dealbreaker. He is still doing it. At some point, you have to walk away.

It is horrible and painful when ultimatums don’t have the desired effect, but you have to hold up your end of the bargain.

He doesn’t deserve to have you worrying about this. He has made his choice to continue not sharing his full life with you. Realistically, it could be an insane secret or it could be nothing. But it doesn’t matter; the problem is that he’s not prepared to be true partner to you.

You deserve to find someone better who will be truly open with you. You’re a step closer to finding that once you’ve binned this loser.

I'm not going to jump right to, he has another woman, because there isn't a whole lot of info and that isn't really the point.

The point is you supposedly have this dealbreaker (which is a perfectly reasonable one) and aren't standing up for it. Either get this guy to change (unlikely) or follow through with your dealbreaker. Because even if you aren't the other woman this won't stop bothering you.

Trust and communication in a relationship goes both ways. If he's not budging and you sound like you've tried to be reasonable with him, and he's just not listening to you or respecting you. You should move on if his attitude doesn't change

This sounds very weird to me. He doesn't think you will ever meet his friends but wants to enter into marriage with you in the future? I'm guessing he will want a private wedding then? Whenever I have entered a relationship I have always wanted my friends to meet my partner and vice versa. As we like each other and want other people we like to meet our significant other. Sounds like he has some issues he needs to figure out and if he can't figure them out with you, your probably better off out of the relationship

You are the other woman. You may love him and want a future with him, but he doesn't feel the same. If he truly loves you and wants a future with you, he would want you to meet his friends and share in all aspects of his life. Get. Out. Now. This "relationship" is going nowhere. Cut your losses and find someone who wants to build a life with you.

Rather than acceptable, it's just plain weird not knowing anything about your SO's friends.. like, if he spends a lot of time talking to them, I would find it natural if he also talked a lot about them. "Oh, [friend] did this thing yesterday" or something at least.

I would have sat down your boyfriend and talked to him about how you feel like it's unnatural to not know who his friends are, and that you're not demanding to know what or who he's texting at all times, but at least know who these people are and maybe get to know them? I feel like it's normal for couples to merge their friend groups after a while, or have some mutual friends from both sides.

And if they're from who knows where in the world, if they're his friends, then I don't think it matters. You should be able to know their name if nothing else.

Do you go on dates out in public very often? I'm inclined to agree with other commenters who say he's hiding you, and likely cheating with and/or on you. And regardless of the reasons behind his behavior, I can't imagine having a life with someone who is actively hiding me from his friends and vice versa.

Yes, and often. I’ve met all of his family, his coworkers....and I know plenty about both. I have all of his family on my Facebook. But his friends are a huge mystery, except one that I met when we visited his hometown for Christmas.

Hmm, that's interesting. So he's not hiding you from his family and coworkers, which possibly means he's ashamed of his friends or hiding something about them for some reason. Any chance of drug use? Maybe he and his friends are furries? IDK, there's something very strange going on here.

This is a very good question, because if she isn't the side piece, he wouldn't be ashamed to "show her off". He wouldn't be scared to run into someone, and I don't care how big or how small the town is, you can bump into someone at any given time. I have bumped into people at sporting events, 50 miles from where I live. A friend of mine bumped into someone he went to HS with and we were over 200 miles away from where he lives.

I actually do know the pattern to get into his phone, but I don’t want to snoop. I did that in my marriage when things were fishy and I found exactly what I expected to find and the snooping became an addiction because I always wanted to know where the conversation was going next.

Have you meet any of his family? There’s so many red flags in your post. Ive always been taught by my brother that a man’s actions towards you while surrounded by others is the most important. Sure when you’re together and alone, he’ll be all lovey dovey and sweet and all that. But how does he treat you when friends and/or family is around? Is he the same or different? Does he kind of push you aside? Or does he still try to keep you included.

Keeping you from meeting or even knowing about his friends is very strange. I would think he’d want to “show you off” to everyone. Have y’all talked of the future? What do you both expect out of this relationship? Is his only reasoning “you will never meet them anyways?” Has he given you any other reasoning? Because that is not good enough. At least for me it’s not.

At this point, if I was in your shoes, i don’t see a future for this relationship. I wouldn’t be able to live the rest of my life wondering who these friends are and why I can’t meet them especially when they are mostly girls. There’s gotta be an underlining reason why he’s doing that? Are you the side chick? How personal are you guys? Do you know anything deep about him or are you still scratching the surface?

Ask yourself, are you happy? If your answer is “yes most of the time. This is the only problem we have” you may want to communicate with him why meeting or knowing his friends is important to you, that you want to be a part of everything in his life. And if he doesn’t change or understand, it may be time to move on. Resentment will grow. Don’t let that happen because it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

That’s good advice, to ask yourself if your happy or not, if it were that simple. If she was happy, she wouldn’t have posted here. But, when you’re in a really terrible relationship for a while, your vision gets cloudy. Misery becomes the norm and you have to way to really tell if your happy or not, anymore. It’s hard to even remember what it was like when things were different; what it feels like to be really happy. That’s what makes people post questions like these. They feel as if they are unhappy and something is definitely not right but, they aren’t quite sure. So, it helps to see how others view their situation. It would be like being blind and asking other people to help you navigate your way through the mall because you can’t really see what’s around you.

I know from experience.

It’s hard to do ( and sometimes specific situations may make it harder or impossible to do ) but, you have to remember you aren’t Atlas. You can shrug and then you’ll find that the weight bearing down on you is gone and you are light and free again.

I also know from experience. Yes you become blind but then there’s a point when the rose colored glasses get tilted and something happens or something clicks that make you start to question things, which is the step I think OP is currently at; that’s why she came here, IMO.

I’ve been there. Then something he said made something in my head click and made me backup and think “wait a minute. Is this normal? That doesn’t seem right.” That’s when I looked back on the relationship, trying to pick out the clues, the red flags I missed. I also talked to a close friend who helped me see from an outside perspective. After thinking things through, I asked myself, “am I happy? Can I live with this and stay happy?” I couldn’t.

If you want to go with your boyfriend on his trips to hang out and meet his friends you are going to have to sit down with him and discuss it with him bring up what if there were an emergency and such you would know nothing about it and you want to make sure if he was okay.

Tell him you are interested in him and would love to meet his friends maybe go on double dates or whatever.

If he becomes irritated with the questions then say you don't know what the big deal is about you not meeting his friends if they don't know about me. And say it's like you don't want me known. Be vocal don't sugar coat anything.

I was in a similar situation once (except He never wanted to meet MY friends).
Relationships are all about compromise & if he is totally unwilling to introduce you, that doesn’t sound great.
Im not sure you are the “other woman,” but you deserve to be showed off! Meeting your SOs friends should be a bonus to the relationship, not a stressor!

You definitely deserve to be part of that part of his life, I’m sorry he doesn’t realize that 😤

Would love to get an update, OP, when you’ve shown him the replies. I skimmed them but I was surprised to find almost no one even remotely siding with your bf. In every thread there is always a faction who gives the other party the benefit of the doubt. Hardly anyone here, and I think that says something.

He wants to get married, but won't even let you meet his friends? Who does he plan on inviting to the wedding???? You either need to set an ultimatum or run very far away. I agree with most of the other comments; you are a side chick.

Have you met his family? If not, I'm so sorry, but I think there's a good chance he has a serious partner. Even if you have, though, it's odd that he doesn't want you to meet his friends after all of this time. It just doesn't make sense. I think he's hiding something.

He's playing you all day, it can be hard to see these things yourself when you are in them so don't blame yourself, this is not your fault.

Judging by his comments he never plans on integrating you fully into his life, this could be for any number of reasons, a lot of people think you're the side chick but that's not necessarily the case, it is a possibility though. Whatever the reason may be, there is no positive motivation for this kind of behaviour, you need to confront him and give him an ultimatum, either he takes the invisibility cloak off you or you walk. That's what I'd do anyway, best of luck!

From a dude: this dude is a bad dude. Find a different one. (Also why are you trying to build a life with someone who is like this? I know I'm coming off a little judgy here, but I think you need to build some self respect. You shouldn't have been putting up with something this serious for this long.)

He's leading you on. You're just one of his girlfriends. Or just one of his FWB and he's letting you think you're his girlfriend. He's using you as a romantic cushion so when he's used up all his other women, he's got someone to come home to.

Just leave and go to your doctor and get tested for everything under the sun. Also I'd just write a note and bounce. But if you really wanna give it one more shot its ultimatum time. Basically you tell him he either tells you who his friends are and he makes sure that they all know about you or you will leave. Have your bag packed and next to the door. Also if you want to be extra sneaky, go to one of your friends he doesnt know so well, search for him on Facebook through their Facebook, I'll bet you'll find two facebooks.

FIRST I will say that you NEED to have a serious talk with him and tell him that this is a deal breaker for you, if only to figure out who exactly these secret friends he's visiting are and (hopefully) rule out the very real possibility that he's being unfaithful.

But... It could be something else. It took me a lot longer than a year and a half to tell my now-fiancé that I was an online roleplayer. I had friends on the rp site I was on that i'd known since high school, a lot longer than I'd known him at that time, and there's such a negative stigma about roleplaying (especially in the social circles I was in; my sorority would NOT have understood), that I kept it all secret. It must have seemed odd that I was on my phone "chatting" with certain friends for hours at a time but wouldn't divulge anything about our friendship or conversations. I visited them in other cities and they visited me, just like you're describing; except that my then-boyfriend just didn't much seem to care. When I finally did tell him, it wasn't because he asked, it was in the spirit of transparency.

That's what seems fishy about your situation. You've asked him to be transparent with you and he's refused. There's usually not a good reason for that.

Like I said, you need to find out what it is... I'm just holding out some hope that this is an innocent misunderstanding, because I acted very similarly before I divulged my own secret.

Big red flag. If you think you can get it to change I'd say do the exact same thing to him and see how he likes it. Otherwise drop him. This is mega suspicious and unhealthy. And he says YOU are the controlling one? No. You're being perfectly reasonable. He is trying to deflect the fact that he is acting shady.

Okay, you should know this isn't considered as normal behaviour in a committed monogamous relationship in any culture I can think of. You're putting up with an unpleasant and profound level of secrecy ... And you want to marry him. There's no way this bloke is marrying you.

I'm ok with trust and transparency developing over time, depending on my partner's level of comfort, and mine.

But it sounds like you're at maximum openness with this guy, and he's acting like a man with a completely separate identity.

At best, he's developed some sort of neurotic coping mechanism to manage a fear of intimacy. Unless he recognises this, which seems unlikely (he thinks your perfectly normal curiosity about his life is weird), you're stuck with this for good.

Alternatively, he's hiding something, someone, or - you. You're only going to get an answer by serious snooping or getting a PI, but personally, I'd rather throw in the towel.

I was addicted to benzos and opiates at one point in my life. My boyfriend knows about this. The other day we were hanging out and I’m overwhelmed with this urge to go out and buy drugs. I call everyone I know, smoke a bunch of cigarettes, generally just act weird. He asks what’s up and I can’t be straight with him and I just get in the car and leave. I walk around some big drug areas trying to get something half-heartedly before returning.

When I come back I tell him what I was trying to do and I’m ashamed. The only reason he was mad was because I couldn’t be upfront. At least in my life, the only reason I’ve ever lied was because I had a big fun surprise planned for him or because I was being shady.

And I’m doubtful he’s planning a surprise party for you. He’s cheating on you or with you.

I dated a guy like this for awhile. Those female friends? They were all girls he had previously slept with. When he they came to visit and he went to see him was actually code for he went to sleep with them. He moved to a different state with the girl he started talking to after me. For months he was still attempting to sext with me until I sent him a screenshot from HER facebook showing that they were in a relationship. From his facebook page you would have had no idea - I only knew to dig based on how he had treated me.

Guys like this, they want a relationship. They love being taken care of. But they don't care about who that person is. And they definitely don't care about commitment. When I walked away, he bounced back and found this new girl in a matter of weeks. He's been with her for well over a year now and, as far as I know, has now idea about any of this. Last time he came to town he texted me to see if I wanted to hook up (I did not) - this was at least 8 months into his relationship with this new girl (and after I had made it clear I knew he had a girlfriend and wasn't interested). He wants the best of both worlds. Sex with as many chicks as possible and a loving girlfriend to go home to afterwards.

You want to build a life with someone who hides you from his friends and tells you that you will never meet them? I can't imagine how that is even possible. A year and a half of this? Sounds like a mistress scenario where the guy hides her from his family, friends and everyone in his life.

I think if you read your post from the outsiders perspective you would ask, “why is she with this guy?!”

Love can be blind. When you commit to someone, it’s really easy focus on all the things you love about a person and it even easier to neglect your dislikes about that person. We often say, “but I love him/her!” Unfortunately though, being secretive is a deal breaker. 1.5 years is a long relationship. When will he decide that he can allow you to meet his friends? The fact that he’s openly hiding something from you means you don’t even know him. You are dating someone you think you know.

Most importantly, this man is not fully committed to you. He is not allowing you into his life. But you are fully committed to him. These types of relationships do not work.

Honor your lovely self. It’s time to focus on what you want and what you deserve (a man who is ready to proudly introduce his lovely girlfriend to his friends). If he cannot supply that (transparency about his life/friends) then he is not the right partner for you.

Uhhhhh yeah even if you're not the other woman, it's still super weird that he'd think you would never meet his friends, especially if he's able to ask about your friends and presumably meet them. Not only is it weird and suspicious, it's also super rude and one-sided.

OP, I'm a woman with a best friend who is not only a guy but is my ex and was my "first".

We learned long ago we are far better friends and continuing a relationship would ruin a fantastic friendship, so we have been platonic for well over a decade.

I also just recently started seeing someone new, and while it was a heavy conversation to have on a first date, I let it be known 100% that my best friend is not only a guy but an ex. That way he knew exactly what he was getting into and if that was a deal breaker for him that was fine.

Thankfully he was cool with it.

By point being, not only is that something you dont keep a secret from your SO but it is something that is important to bring up very early on in the relationship.

I'm not one who normally says to cut and run but I will say your BF is throwing up so many red flags that it feels like a Russian parade from the times of the USSR.

It does sound side chicky to me as well. I’m curious about what the living/visiting situation is (or did I miss it?). Like does he have his own place, and are you allowed there or have certain conditions on showing up? Or does he just show up at your place whenever he’s available? Or do you live together and he disappears a lot which suggests he doesn’t actually live there? I mean, where does his mail go? I’m trying to figure out how he’s been able to compartmentalize you so well from a practical standpoint because it sounds like that’s definitely what he’s doing.

You ARE NOT the girlfriend. You are the SIDE CHICK. Get out now!!! NO ONE who's in a committed relationship should be a secret to friends and family; if you are, you are a fun distraction from the relationship he/she is in.

there are things that each person can do that may not involve the other as much but secrets of not telling who your friends are, or joining them even occasionally for something, seems a bit odd.

however, as we don't know your bf's side, it's hard to say.

but having secrets doesn't seem to be as much of a deal-breaker to you as you think, since you're still with him after talking to him and waiting for changes and talking to him again and waiting for changes again, etc

Your boyfriend is hiding you. Seems like you are the other woman. If you don't leave because of this, I don't know what to say. Just grow a spine and leave, if he's constantly disobeying your dealbreakers and you're letting it pass, this won't change.

I think you need to find someone else. You've been together a year and a half and you still haven't met his friends and will never meet his friends? This guy is 100 percent hiding you, either because you're the other woman or because he wants to keep a backup that he knows will always be there waiting while still getting to be 'single' when he's out.

There's also a pretty damn good chance that you WILL NEVER meet his friends because they don't know about you either, and when the whole 'how long have you been together and how did you meet?' questions come up, as they will, it'll ruin how his friends see him and you'll probably find out that he's been unfaithful this whole time. It's not a chance he's willing to take.

If you're not fully apart of his life by now you never will be. Sorry, but that's the truth.

You say secrets are an absolute dealbreaker, yet you’ve spent a year and a half in a relationship with someone who has kept his entire life a secret from you since day one. This is a one-sided, deeply unhealthy relationship.

This is not something you need to “explain to him.” He already knows, he just doesn’t care. Please don’t waste another day with this man.

Break up with him. I know that’s hard but what’s the point in pouring all your energy into him when he won’t even let you into his life. One of the best things in a relationship is getting to know your significant others friends and family. It would be a shame to miss out on that.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, and even more so that he is trying to normalise his behaviour to you.

It is not ok, it is not normal, and he is either hiding you from them or them from you. As harsh as it sounds, he very clearly doesn't see a future with you, if he doesn't expect you to ever meet his friends?? Imagine if one of your friends told you that about their SO - how would you respond? My guess is you would tell them that it's super shady, and to get away from that mess ASAP.

I'm absolutely not in the boat that says partners are not allowed privacy and personal space -- on the contrary, I'm a person that very much needs and insists on both. However, if my SO hid his friendships from me and didn't of his own volition introduce me to them, I would think he is either ashamed of me, or hiding something -- and it would be a dealbreaker every time.

You are clearly not a priority to him. He doesn't see a future where you meet his friends. Think about that for a minute. Have you ever heard of a commited couple where that was the case?

I think you should seriously consider your current situation and status of your relationship.

I'm so sorry OP. Best of luck.

It is not ok, it is not normal, and he is either hiding you from them or them from you. As harsh as it sounds, he very clearly doesn't see a future with you, if he doesn't expect you to ever meet his friends?? Imagine if one of your female friends told you that about their SO - how would you respond? My guess is you would tell them that it's super shady, and to get away from that mess ASAP.

I think you should seriously consider your current situation and status of your relationship.

Sorry girl, any man that sees a future with you will want the people in his life to get to know you. He should be proud of you and incorporating you into friend groups as well as family events. Everything about this is suspicious. Personally I wouldnt want those kinds of secrets in my relationship. It sounds like its already bothering you so do you really think being married would change anything? Who knows if hes even serious about marriage...wouldnt you have to meet the friends there? I think a serious conversation needs to be had.

As a guy who has been an asshole before he doesnt care about you, you literally mean nothing more than a place holder. He wont tell you or introduce you because you are NEVER going to be a perminant fixture in his life enough for you to matter to his friends are. I'm really not proud to admit it but I've been in his same position dated a girl longer than I should have when I knew she wasnt gonna be around forever and I never even considered introducing her to my group for this very reason for lack of a better phrase "she was no one important so why should she get to meet them." Save yourself the suprise and heart ache when he finally decides to do it

It’s baffling threads like this even exist.
How can a woman be so insecure that they tolerate this? There are many possible reasons for his behaviour .... but not a single one is positive or for your benefit.
You don’t need to confront him or give him ultimatums. Just block him and move on.

It sounds like your the frog in the pot that slowly got the heat turned up and now your wondering if it's normal that you're slowly being boiled to death. To us out here on the outside it is plain as day.

How on earth do you go a year and a half not realizing YOURE the side chick? After you break up with him I really encourage you to take some time by yourself to really learn your worth and what you want in a relationship. Otherwise you'll keep getting these guys. You dont respect yourself because you made rules for what you wont tolerate in relationships...but you tolerate it.

When I read this, I feel that it is in fact him being controlling of you. He will ask you who you’re texting, but he won’t answer the same question? Suspect.

I don’t know as much as you about your relationship, but based on everything you’ve written, and as an outsider looking in, I’m afraid to say that I would not trust this person.

My gut says that he has a few girls scattered around whom he visits or hangs with. There is no reason why he wouldn’t invite you sometimes. The fact that he says no most or every time is a major red flag.

I don’t have any advice on how to proceed. Knowing me, I would play detective and get to the bottom of it, but not let on that I’m suspicious.

“Trust, but verify” is what my big bro tells me.

Edit: I just broke up with a guy when I found proof of his deception. He also had “many girl friends.” I could never shake off the feeling of wondering why he was still single. Then I figured out he was just out there living his life as a single guy. We were together for a year.

a relationship is about commitment. you need to be open because that person will be there for you, for bad and good, for heath and sickness, and if he doesn't let you in in his life and leaves you on the door, you should be the one to close the door. life is to short to be hangover over a guy who never opens up about his life.

He’s the type to live a single life to everyone else, but you’re the secret partner he can return to when he wants. He thinks this means he can remain a free agent. Think of it as making room to cheat should he want to.

Neither are acceptable. And those 2 reasons are obviously from the comments known to be pretty common.

Yes. We went down and stayed with his family for Christmas 2017. They already knew who I was and what position I held. We met with one of his friends while we were down there and he introduced me as his girlfriend, everything was super normal. But that was the only friend that I ever actually met.

I’ve had issues similar to this and it is absolutely unsettling. If your gut is telling you something shitty is happening then absolutely listen to it. It is completely normal to expect the same level of transparency from your partner that you express in an area as simple as this and don’t let your partner convince you otherwise, because that is manipulation. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like you aren’t his “marriage” type even though he has expressed about it. In a relationship both sides should be open and honest. My ex also did the same where it was “a friend and I “ or that friend or whatever and he always went alone.
In real relationships, people go as a set and is expected as such. My boyfriend also is open about it his friends except for one who I haven’t met you but he mentions often and it makes me wonder if he’s hiding something.

Curiosity and suspicion does not make a healthy relationship. Good luck!

There is literally nothing okay about this scenario. Zero things. Negative things about this are cool. What are you doing with this guy? You should walk, immediately. And then figure out why you put up with this bullshit for a year and a half. You deserve better.

I had a boyfriend who did exctly this. It wasn’t because he was cheating. But it was as if he had a little box for everything: the girlfriend box, the family box, the friends box - and never the three shall meet.
It bothered me a lot. When I was at his place (he was still living at home), he would quickly usher me upstairs to his room, even though his parents were lovely. He had an older brother and nephews...I never even met them. I barely knew the name of his best friend, and apparently he had only ever mentioned the fact that he had a girlfriend when we’d been dating for months already. It’s not that he wanted to lie to his friends or anything, they just “never asked if I had a girlfriend”. Wtf right?
I’m not saying that this was the only reason why I broke up with him, but it certaintly played a part. So, no, it would not be acceptable to me that my SO hides his entire social life from me. I’m either a part of his life or I’m not - there’s no in-between.

The boxes you speak of is the way a man’s brain works, in compartments. Boxes. It is not an excuse for people to keep parts of your life away from each other. It just means when he is in one box that’s all he’s thinking of. Eg, my partner has a friends box, a climbing box, a mountain biking box etc any time I want I am welcome to join him in his adventures, whatever the box. But he will only think of me if I’m there in the box. If I’m not in the box? He’ll think of me at home time.

Eh, I don’t know. I talked with my ex-bf about this not too long ago (we recently more or less “connected” on fb) and he admitted that he had held some pretty odd beliefs about what it meant to be “a man”. Keeping up a facade and keeping his life in seperate boxes was a part of that...for some reason. He admitted that it was weird, and I believe he had since changed his ways.
For reference, my husband doesn’t seem to have too many “boxes”. And if he does, he’s definitely still able to think about me and include me, no matter what “box” he’s currently in :)

Have you ever told him that this is an absolute dealbreaker since your last relationship with your ex-husband? If yes, I think 1) he does not respect or trust you enough to be open with you. Or 2) he could be hiding something.

This is also my deal breaker. When I’m in a relationship I want to be able to adapt and grow together. My boyfriend is not a small-talk talker, he’s not even a talker lol so it was hard for me to get to know him unless I ask him questions then he would answer. I told him that I’m not asking him to change himself but if he want to make this relationship works we need to communicate more. You need to tell me about you and what’s going on with your life, not just me knowing by asking. It doesn’t have to be everything but just the part that you think it’s important for me to know more about you. We have been dating about the same time as you and your boyfriend do and I must say he has been so much better at communicate with me now.

Relationship requires loads of attention and communication (and more, I’m sure you know that already). You should sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Stand by your words, tell him what you like/don’t like. If he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you what’s going on... I think you know what to do. You should not settle down for anything less. Good luck

Your instincts are right. He doesn’t want to include you in his life in a deeper way. He doesn’t love you the way you love him.

Cut your losses before this man drains more of your energy and sanity. Move on for your sake, and find someone who will respect your boundaries, who will include you in their life. Find who you deserve.

This is honestly really suspicious and sounds like it may be an affair. I do wish you the best though and hope that it's not an affair.
Edit: Might wanna have a friend of yours follow him or something the next time he goes on a trip with friends. Hidden GoPro might work better though. Have evidence if something really is going on

he's not your boyfriend. If you're not sharing in your lives together, you're not boyfriend/girlfriend. Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're in a relationship with him but he's not in a relationship with you. Doesn't matter what label you put on it, he's not being your boyfriend. Time to move on.

Even if there is no "other woman" thing going on here, if you want an honest relationship, you should have a partner who respects that. Your partner should WANT to respect your feelings.
That being said, yes there is a good chance this secret is an unfortunate one. Nobody pushes so hard to hide nothing.

This seems like cheating behavior. If you’ve never met his friends, it’s probably because he doesn’t want them to know about you. I’m sorry man, this sucks, but you should know this is not normal relationship behavior.

Even if you somehow aren’t the sidechick, you’ve already been divorced. Is this really the kind of person you want to be with? You’re still young. Maybe it would be beneficial to spend some time on yourself before getting in another relationship (as hard as it may seem.) You are only going to keep attracting guys like this if you don’t.

That's suspicious behavior. If he doesn't want you to meet his friends, that's likely a sign he doesn't want them to know you. He might have someone else romantically and those friends might already know about that person. You could be the secret mistress.

I know it's wrong. I'd find a way to call one of his friends. Also, you can check his Emergency call contact options if his phone it locked. That's the #1 place you'd find "The other's" number.

Oh, I’ve been smelling it for a while. But I want to hand him my phone when he gets home so he can read this post and the comments and show him how absurd he is being. Maybe, by some magic, the words of strangers saying “wow wtf dude??” will make him wake the fuck up. And if not....🤷🏽‍♀️ bye boy

Right now it seems like you're in the denial stage. You already established your boundaries in that you have issues with secrets multiple times beforehand and he's proceeded to walk all over them continuously since. Handing him the phone and showing the thread won't wake him; this is who he is, he refuses to tell you important information a couple should communicate over, and not to mention where exactly that he disappears to. This guy will continue to do what he's doing. There's no wake up call on that.

While snooping could be considered bad if this was just slight minor red-flags, yet the whole damn forest is on fire at this point. So snoop as you will. But even at that, your optimal option should be walking out regardless... because that's where this is headed.

So he doesn’t want you in his life. Why have you stuck around? Is the sex that good? Is he made of money? You should leave. Find someone who wants to share their life with you. This 29m doesn’t want you.

I mean, if he wants you to have no contact with anyone, then it’s because the reality he is telling you, and the reality he is telling his friends, would be extremely different. It would all come crashing down on him if you had met them and told them you were his gf!

This would not be acceptable in my relationship. He is taking your very valid concerns and spinning them to make you out to be the one with the problem.

Your expectations are very fair within a relationship. You don't seem to be trying to control who he is friends with or attempt to Snoop through his private conversations; you're simply asking for the transparency you willingly offer to him.

His behavior screams of a person with something to hide and, by the sounds of it, he doesn't seem like he's about to change his ways. You've been rational and mature about this and he's not budging.

I don't like to jump to suggesting ending a relationship. But I will suggest that you ask yourself what you're willing to put up with. If his behavior never changes and he continues to be secretive and deflective, will you be happy to remain with him? You have to come to the conclusion that he is likely hiding some facts about his life that you won't be ok with and that you may never find out what that is.

Once trust is broken, relationships quickly sour. You will constantly second guess everything he says and will drive yourself crazy with doubt. I don't normally like ultimatums, but this matter calls for one, imo. Tell him that you demand complete transparency and ask him to show you his phone then and there. If he refuses, you have your answer.

Even if there is no big secret. This general behavior of refusing to communicate openly, and not inviting you along when he goes out (ever) are red flags. This is also a strong sign he is manipulating you by hand picking what information he does or doesn't tell you.

This doesn't sound healthy. It may also be a power play, with him feeling more dominant or manly or free by withholding select bits of information. Like he is playing a game where to win means to do whatever he wants and not be accountable to you.

It is painting a clear picture that he does not want an equal partner, but more like a partner of convenience; he's with you when he wants or needs something from you, but I wonder how many people's wants and needs he is happy to put ahead of yours on a regular basis.

Partner is supposed to be first. And the core of a relationship is trust. I don't see how trust between you could or, without massive changes, should ever come to exist with how he has been choosing to treat you.

I had an ex kinda like this. He was somewhat narcissistic and considered a girlfriend something closer to a pet or child than a person - to be controlled, manipulated, and to serve as an ornament or a companion when he wanted one, rather than a priority as a person, ever. When I showed the same needs I had regularly met in him, he refused to be supportive and instead ridiculed me for being over sensitive and having anxiety problems. His needs mattered, but I was just a toy squeaking at an inconvenient time for him, apparently always infuriatingly so.

Anyway.

Your BF needs to make some drastic changes to himself if he is to become capable of having a happy, respectful relationship with you, and if he doesn't want to change, then...that is a sign that he just doesn't care all that much whether he loses you - or he might think he has manipulated you into never wanting to leave no matter how his behavior might escalate or affect you.

Being dehumanized, manipulated and neglected by someone we love and trust can cause untold long term damage, and we often don't even realize this was traumatic or scarring until years later.

From what you typed, I think you would be better off without this person in your life. He has a lot to learn if he ever wants to have a healthy relationship let alone marry. And if he refuses to learn, and someone still marries him, they likely won't be happy for very long.

Even if you aren’t the other woman or whatever, I just wouldn’t want this in a relationship. This isn’t a mature, adult relationship. The fun part of having a partner is having friends together and being a team. He isn’t worth it. Find someone who you can build a life with and share the people in your lives with each other

Talk to him and tell him straight out how you feel. Tell him a bout your ex, tell him about how you share everything with him, how you feel left out, how you just want to know what he's into and be friends with his friends. If he still doesn't open up especially after the last part I mentioned then I'm sorry to say he might be hiding you from them. How long are his trips btw? If you live together and hes with you more then he's gone you're probably not the side chick. Im hoping I'm wrong but if that is the case and he is cheating or you're the cheat then straight up dump him. Just try and stay calm and talk to him. If he really cares then he'll actually talk with you about it and like I said, if he doesn't and you're unhappy with your relationship then get a seperate place prepared without letting him know and then tell him you're done and leave. Its best to be consice, to the point, and prepared for a breakup. I wish you the best and hope you two can work it out.

Ive been Married nearly 4 yrs and seen some shady sh*t in my life but, to be honest this is some next level shadiness.
I just read so many red flags. I am gonna warn you I'm about to tell you things that will sound harsh and possibly mean but, I promise it's for your own good and possible safety. If you're easily offended I apologize.

From the point of view of a Male hiding female friends is a bad sign by itself but once you add seeing them when they're in town is worse. To add to the fire he has made trips out of the area to see them without you and plans to never let you go is outstandingly unacceptable in ANY relationship. The icing on the f*cked up cake is that he expects to see and know what's on your phone. I'm willing to bet he's accused you of cheating or at least implied you talk to other guys in a sexual way.

I believe these are possible answers:
-He's cheating on you with one or more women
-He is in the closet and is seeing a man/men
-He is paying for videos/pics and sex
-He is part of an exclusive world wide secret tap dancing club similar to fight club because everyone knows that the first rule of tab dancing club is don't talk about dance club.

With all due respect You said secrets are a deal breaker yet you are still there with him with no true consequences. Make a stand if you even want him after all this. Make him understand there is only two outcomes.
One he opens up and PROVES he's not cheating or two it's over you leave him.
Any thing short of that won't make a difference to him. No second chances or it'll happened as long as you're together.

EVERYONE DESERVES A SIGNIFICANT OTHER THAT IS HONEST AND TREATS EACHOTHER WITH RESPECT.

When I started dating my now fiancé it was kinda the same way. He had a ton of female friends and would text them when I wasn’t around. I told him I didn’t care he had female friends just to be open about it. If he can’t text them in front of me he shouldn’t be texting them at all. The texts eventually ended. That is not the relationship I wanted.

For him saying you will never meet them, it would make me question how he values me and our relationship. What are his goals in the relationship with you? Are you just being kept around until something “better” comes around?

A relationship should be built on trust and compromise. He doesn’t seem like he is giving you that.

I know we are just the people or Reddit but it seems like you are sincerely being manipulated and it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I've been in a relationship very similar to the one you're in and if you don't put a stop to it, you are only going to continue to hurt. He is going to continue to lie to you and you don't deserve that. I know it is hard at first to come to these conclusions and you're at a point where you feel like you're throwing your life away, but trust me, you will heal from this and you will find somebody who treats you the way you deserve. And this is not how you deserve to be treated ! You can't keep searching for the light in this situation, you have to be the light and make the move yourself. It's the only way you will find true happiness. Good luck my dear <3 I hope you make the right decision.

Leave him. I bet his friends don’t even know you exist. You are probably a secret girlfriend. I’ve been in your shoes.

We have been living together for two years. Supposed to be getting engaged soon. No instagram pictures of me or of us together although she actively posted about stuff she does on Instagram and will post pictures of her with other people, none of her coworkers knew she had a boyfriend. Her closest oldest friends weren’t even sure if she had a boyfriend. All her friends were guys. The one only knew she had a boyfriend because he asked her to go with him on s trip to Mexico and she had to say her BF wouldn’t be ok with that. She wanted to go out without me but never would go out with me in public. ( As someone else has mentioned, if he will not go out with you in public, in addition to all of this, you know he’s trying to hide you. ) People who did know she had a boyfriend never even knew my name, she was hiding me completely. I addressed it but got no resolution.

And she did have an affair with a coworker behind my back which I discovered. We have been tying to work it all out. It’s been a while since the affair ( which from the evidence I saw did get physical. Not because she had any limitations but because of lack of an opportunity for it to happen before I found out ) and we are still trying to deal with it. Staying was against all my personal standards but, the situation was unique. I still may end up leaving, although she has been trying hard to make things right because, the affair plagued my mind constantly, I can’t look at her without seeing it, and my feelings ( although I still love her ) are not the same. I make a conscious decision every day as to whether I stay or go. She’s really ruined the relationship for me even if she stays true and honest from now on and acts like the perfect girlfriend.

The fact that I see my own life mirrored in your post is what made me respond.

From experience:

He is also likely to be cheating. It’s as you said, if he has stuff that he needs to keep secret from you, then it’s stuff he shouldn’t be doing. People only keep stuff secret when they know it’s wrong that they are doing it.

It’s not normal for an important relationship not to show up in social media if the person is active there. It’s not normal for people they work with or are friends with to not know about someone important that had entered their life. By nature, people want to tell everyone when they are on a new happy relationship. To not want that or not do that is odd.

You may actually be the ‘other woman’ as has been suggested. Although, that’s not the thing I’m leaning towards. Usually, the other woman or other guy knows about the primary relationship. That’s how cheaters keep their lovers from letting the cat out of the bag. You can’t have your fling stopping by the house while your boyfriend is home.

You say that he says he wants to marry you but, how can he possibly want to merge your life with his,in that way, if he can’t or won’t even include you in his life, at all?

It might seem rational to try to get him to fix it but, you’ve already let him know it’s a problem in the relationship and he had done nothing to rectify it. Even if you can force him, by threat of leaving, to fix it, he will resent it and work harder to keep his secrets from you while showing you harmless things to placate you.

Does he also lay his phone down upside down so you can’t see who might be texting or calling him?

That’s another big red flag.

I’d recommend you leave and find someone who is open and honest and has nothing to hide. I’d do it soon before it gets worse. Trust me, if this is going on and he knows you have an issue and he hadn’t done anything about it, it’s only going to get worse.

One thing I will guarantee you is that, if he isn’t cheating now, he’s keeping himself open so he has opportunities to do so and he’s almost guaranteed to end up doing so.

Working to save a relationship like that is hard and can be fruitless. In the end, even if you save it, you may find you aren’t at all sure that your glad you did. What you end up with might not be worth all the hell you go through.

My advice is don’t do what I am doing. I wouldn’t be doing it, either, if the situation were different. Get out and find a good relationship with someone worthy of your love. You’ll be glad you did, once the dust settles.

We were living together.No instagram pictures of me or of us together although she actively posted about stuff she does on Instagram and will post pictures of her with other people, none of her coworkers knew she had a boyfriend. Her closest oldest friends weren’t even sure if she had a boyfriend. All her friends were guys. The one only knew she had a boyfriend because he asked her to go with him on s trip to Mexico and she had to say her BF wouldn’t be ok with that. She wanted to go out without me but never would go out with me in public. ( As someone else has mentioned, if he will not go out with you in public, in addition to all of this, you know he’s trying to hide you. ) People who did know she had a boyfriend never even knew my name, she was hiding me completely. I addressed it but got no resolution.

Leave him. I bet his friends don’t even know you exist. You are probably a secret girlfriend. I’ve kind of been in your shoes ( although I’m a guy ). I made my GF change so, we are still together. I got sick of being the hidden boyfriend.

You say that he says he wants to marry you but, how can he possibly want to merge your life with his in that way if he can’t or won’t even include you in his life, at all?

His friends are all friends with his main girlfriend (or one of them), that’s why you’re not “allowed” to meet them.

His behaviour is red flag city and I’m not sure why you’ve put with it for a year and a half. It’s not going to get better.

He’s got Facebook, so personally I’d be looking to see who his actual girlfriend is, maybe her profile is public and she posts about them hanging out all the time.. she’ probably also like to know her man has other women on the go.

I don't think you are the side chick. I think you are someone he is seeing, and I think he also sees many other women also. He's not committed to you and these "friends" that you will never meet are not "friends".

Something isn't right. Guys and girls can be friends, but often one or both have feelings for each other. If most of his friends are girls, chances are there's more to it with at least one of them.
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have stuck around for a year a a half, or even a few months, if my boyfriend was being shady. At this point, you're pretty far in being emotionally invested so it's hard to think differently.

So why are you still with this guy? It is weird that he is purposefully making the rest of his life so opaque to you and playing a game of it. It's one thing to have your own space and your own friends, but this is very much next level.

As a guy, I always wanted my gf (when we were together) to meet my friends, and she did a couple of them. That's because if I want a girl I'm dating to be a part of my life, including my friends and family.
I'd say that maybe he's a little jealous and doesn't like that you'd hang out with them, but if you feel like he's being shady and overly secretive about it, then maybe there's something else to it.

As I see it you can either talk to him and see where it leads or you can break things off and find someone who will want you to be an inseperebale part of his life.
Either way don't stand still and inactive about it, act one way or another, but importantly follow your heart.
Hope it works out for the best for you. Good luck

Even if you aren't the other woman (you are) this is still 100% unaccceptable. Why do you love someone who won't allow you to meet his friends or even know who they are, but he asks you who you're texting and expect you to tell him?

Straight up - you have to decide if it's a deal breaker, and then act accordingly. Personally, while I don't need to know everything that goes on, I would have issues with someone keeping an entire secret life outside of our relationship, enough so that I would terminate it.

I'm curious to know if you've even met his family. If the answer is no and you haven't been to any family functions even though they're close by that you're the other woman. Don't put yourself through this and waste the prime time of your life.

A lot of responses to this post point toward infidelity- but in my experience it might be something else. I dated someone like this for an embarrassingly long time before I found out they were taking and dealing drugs. Maybe totally not your situation, but if it sounds even a little bit possible- you have got to get away. He could ruin your entire life if he’s dealing drugs and gets caught while you’re together. It’s not worth it girl.

When I met my boyfriend I didn't have friends. He actually helped me make friends with his friends so I'd be included. He doesn't always invite me because sometimes he doesn't think to but he does a lot. And will always tell me who he is texting if I ask. I'd say something is up with your man. I would suggest treating him the same way. When he asks who you're texting say a friend. When you go out with friends don't invite him. Show him how you feel when he does the same. Even if he pushes say "you don't so why should I have to? It's not like they are your friends" this will show him your perspective by being in your shoes.

If the secrets were dealbreakers then you would have broke up w him already! Hence to you it’s really not. Don’t sit there and say this is a dealbreaker when it’s not! That’s not knowing what a dealbreaker is! The FIRST time this happened you should have told him your rule and the the second time follow thru, now you have no power and you know he is doing skullduggery behind your back! I would think I was not respected or loved or even included in his life at that point! Why are you still w him?

This is totally unacceptable. I would venture a guess that he has another partner, or multiple. I think it's very self destructive of you to put up with that kind of behaviour for that long. I'm sorry if that hurts, but that is just a horrible way to conduct a relationship.

I agree with other comments that he’s hiding you. It’s not okay to keep big things like that secret from you. If he was really invested in your relationship he wouldn’t behave that way. Be careful and watch out for yourself.

Maybe they're creepy and you're better off not knowing them!
Or he would be embarassed for for you to know that till he met you he was only able to find different types of friends that he is sure you wont't see anything to like in, and he's loyal.
Very strange that he won't even let you meet them once!
I agree with others that it is a very red flag. To meet one or two of them might make a lot of things clearer. You might see a whole other side of him he doesn't want you to see, which might seriously affect your wish to marry him.
I would erect a boundary, that if he doesn't let you meet any of them in the next 2 months that it's over. See how he deals with that.
Possibly these friends unite to do something like gamble together or watch sports and you could use the time doing something he wouldn't be interested in sharing.
Good luck!

So many red flags, and I can tell he has been gaslighting you to make you feel conflicted about believing him or believing that feeling that something is not right about his behavior. My advice: Believe that feeling.

Classic part is how you can’t known anything but he will ask you who you are texting.

In the lead up to you getting the f out, please give him a taste of his medicine. Go places without inviting him, text people without telling him who.. have a lock on your phone and make sure messages can’t be read from front screen. Delete all the posts you have with him in it. Watch him reel as you take your power back. Stay away somewhere and don’t tell him and I bet all I own he goes crazy and accuses you of cheating, because he is.

Yeah, I feel like if he doesn't want you to meet his friends, he clearly doesn't feel comfortable showing you off to them. A man (or woman) should be proud of the person that they are dating and should want to introduce them to the people that are important to him/her. If he really loves you, and cares about you, this goes without saying.
It seems as though he does not care and doesn't want a future with you, especially if you have expressed your concerns and he still consistently does the same thing.
I hope whatever you decide makes you happy, but I would not continue to be in this relationship , you deserve much better.

Why do you feel the need to explain it to him? He is keeping a huge part of his life secret, demands you fill him on on that part of YOUR life, and has already refused to budge when you talk to him about it. He sounds like a real control freak, and frankly, the secret keeping means that he is probably doing something shady. You should not be judged by past girlfriends either. If someone treated me like this, it would be a no go. I hate the constant advice to break up, but you are just spinning your wheels here.

Edited to add that I agree that it sounds like you are the other woman or something similar.

Nah. Sounds like a really shitty relationship. You shouldn't ask who he's texting. If you don't trust him enough then it's not worth continuing. Clearly, you don't. It also sounds like you are not his only girlfriend.

If he's not being as transparent with you as you are with him, then chances are he's hiding something from you. My boyfriend and I know each other's friends, and I've even become close friends with some of his close friends. That's how it should be in a relationship that you are considering staying in long-term.

He asks who you're talking to when he sees you texting but won't give a straight answer when you ask him? Yeah, that only makes sense under certain conditions.

This has been going on from day one, and marriage is something that he’s expressed he wants.

I guess I’m asking - - Would it be acceptable to you for your significant other to never tell you anything about their friends (no names, no info, nothing), and for you to never meet them? And - How can I explain this to him??

You're asking the wrong questions. He understands why you object to this situation, but he knows he can talk you into putting up with it by acting like his behavior is super normal and making you mistrust yourself as a stereotypical jealous girlfriend. I think sometimes when people say they want marriage, it's because they know it will appeal to a partner who's looking for a long-term commitment and who will be more available for sex or emotional support or caretaking or whatever on those terms. And if they say that when they have another partner they're hiding from you, they don't necessarily think of it as a lie because it would be nice to be married as long as they didn't have to give up anything they have now. But even in the improbable scenario that he's not hiding anything and just inexplicably attached to knowing stuff about you while keeping you in the dark about everyone else in his life—if you check in with your gut, do you actually want a marriage, with everything that entails, with someone who expects you to accept his advance decision that you're never going to meet his friends? Who he still texts all the time?

I had a boyfriend who did this to me for 8 months. He was talking to other women behind my back, but made me feel like the crazy one for thinking he was hiding something because of his behavior. If he won't be open and honest with you about his friends, he is likely hiding something.

I've been through this. He introduced me to a few friends because they had to come over to hang out with him but he never mentioned me to his family or friends he texted. He never posted pictures of us together or acknowledged me on social media. This is after 4 years. So, maintain your boundaries and leave.

Sounds like he's cheating on someone else with you. This is not normal at all. Especially hiding it so much. The fact that he is hiding so much information and does not want to introduce you to his friends makes it sound like his friends know the other women or are the other women.

Huge red flag and I would tell him unless he is honest that you are done as that is a major huge screaming red flag.

It just sounds like he isn't serious about getting you involved in his life...which could mean his future too. If you're investing 100% in this relationship and ask him if he is 100% invested in the relationship and he cannot say with certainty yes, then you're in different places. I think you've been in a relationship long enough to ask the hard hitting questions. Good luck xx

This is 100% a dealbreaker. He needs to introduce you to his friends ASAP and get you involved in his life. I suspect he won't want to do this because there's a very good chance he's cheating on you or otherwise deceiving you and doesn't want your or his friends to find out about each other.

You are either the other woman, or he has ZERO desire to be with you long term and is just in it for a fling. Either way, his behavior is super sketchy and 100% unacceptable, especially after a year and a half!

Why would you want to stay with someone who says they will NEVER introduce you to their friends? He obviously doesn't want a future with you.

I 100% promise you there is someone else. Run. Get out of this relationship. That type of behavior is a giant red flag. If you are ever with anyone in a relationship and they are hiding Facebook, friends, their phone Etc. I guarantee they're getting some somewhere else and doing things they shouldn't be. I have a degree in psychology and unfortunately a lot of years of experience with cheating men to back this up.