Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Not Even One Year In, and Bill O’Reilly is Already Yelling at God

My friends, we are so deep in the Weeds of Madness now that we need Francis Ford Coppola to make a film titled APOCALYPSE EVERY THREE MINUTES OR SO starring a CGI Marlon Brando reciting Lady Gaga lyrics backwards with all the pretension he can muster.

So Comrade Shart keeps ignoring deadlines to impose legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, but he somehow found time to ban Bill Browder, one of Uncle Vlad’s very least favorite people, from entering the United States.

And Lindsey Graham’s over in the corner, going “Golly Gee, my golfin’ pal Don seems to have a ‘blind spot‘ when it comes to Russia, and dip my balls in a bucket of ice cold sweet tea if I can figure out what it is!”

Fuck you, Lindsey.

So I guess we’re putting nuke-armed planes back on 24-hour alert, for the first time since Bell Biv DeVoe was charting? That’s neat. You thought DR. STRANGELOVE was satire? WELL, YOU’RE LIVIN’ IN IT NOW, CUUUUUUUUCKS!

Brad Parscale, digital director of the Shart Campaign, voted “Most Likely to Lie Under Oath” by his peers, gets his turn in front of the House Intelligence Committee soon. Don’t worry, Brad. I’m sure it’s just the latest zany coincidence, how all those Russian fake gnus sites micro-targeted their Pizzagate stories so dang well.

John McCain went on The View to sing a little song about Il Douche that went something like:

Lied about spurs on his bony bony
Dodging that draft cuz he’s such a phony

And then all the hosts asked “Hey, that orange-tinted fellow keeps threatening you, are you a-scurred of him at all?” and Senator McCain just laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.

We all understand how being laughed at sends SCROTUS into fits, so you know the pure, unadulterated, joyous, amusement radiating off Senator McCain at the mere thought of perceiving him as even the teeeeeniest bit frightening left him shaking his wee, inadequate, fists at the heavens in impotent rage.

(All the nuclear codes in the world won’t make a man out of you, Donald. And every human being on earth knows it.)

Couple this with the article in the Post about how everyone in congress views the Shart of the Deal as a blundering nincompoop who can’t be trusted, who knows fuckall about anything, LEAST OF ALL DEALMAKING, HAR HAR HAR, just a rube they manipulate like a spoiled child, and you can’t help but wonder whether or not Velveeta Goebbels understands that he’s become the most mocked man on Earth.

My brain is literally refusing to contemplate this further. Whatever Bill-O is hiding, it must be…god, I don’t even want to pick a word to end this sentence. SHUDDER.

(Oh fucking hell. While I’m writing tonight, I see that Bill O’Reilly, a dude who is WIDELY accused of serial sexual abuse, is now blaming God for his troubles. God. Motherfucking GOD. Bill O’Reilly, Lifelong Jagoff Pervert, is mad at YAHWEH ABOVE ALL for whatever nastiness led him to sign off on a 32 MILLION DOLLAR PERVERT SETTLEMENT. I retire, folks. I can’t top that shit.)

Moving on. The Marmalade Shartcannon continues his passionate devotion to the one issue that drives him above all others; attacking black women who have the audacity to criticize him.

In this case, that seems to mean using the full force of the famed Presidential bully pulpit to shit on the 24-year-old widow of a soldier killed serving his country.

Folks, I know we’re barely nine months into this unceasing, hurricane-grade, shitshow, and we sort of expect some new atrocity to manifest daily, but lest we become numb to the mendacious, casually racist, lazy evil of this regime, read that last sentence a couple more times to give it the weight it deserves.

The President of the United States, having caused a Gold Star widow unnecessary pain with his insensitive “condolence” call, rather than apologizing, or even just moving on with his life, decided to call her a liar. Publicly. Loudly.

Why? Why is the Commander in Chief taking time out of what ought to be a busy day just to attack a woman who wasn’t even allowed to open her husband’s casket, such was the state of his remains? Does he have nothing better to do? With millions of American citizens STILL without power in Puerto Rico?

Look Joe, of COURSE you have the right to attack Myeshia Johnson. Shit, you have the RIGHT to wander the halls of a pediatric cancer ward, eating ice cream you refuse to share and taunting the patients with all the things you get to do that they don’t; it just makes you an enormous asshole.

Walsh is like one of those College Republican fratboys who act like the freedom of the entire Republic hinges on their personal right to use the N word.

As a super-fun sidebar to the Niger story, I guess it turns out that our Senators didn’t even know we had troops deployed there in the first place? Even Lindsey Graham, who has a complete set of Topps International Quagmire trading cards autographed by the commanding officers of each debacle, has been caught unawares.

I guess electing a know-nothing with a “Whatever You Want, General” approach to civilian oversight of the military wasn’t the best idea. HUH.

Also, Melania launched her anti-bullying campaign today. Are there any available jokes left on this topic? I don’t get these posts up until relatively late in the day, and I have to assume every inch of this particular field is well-trampled by now.

Apparently Elijah Cummings has been pestering Gowdy Doody to investigate those private e-mails Jar-Jar and Ivanka were using (you remember, the ones they hastily moved to Trump Organization servers once the media discovered them), which is weird, because you’d think Trey would be all over this, I seem to remember him getting REALLY worked up about private e-mail use in the past. Maybe I’m confused.

You sort of want to see a buddy cop show starring Cummings and Gowdy, where Elijah continually presses his partner to investigate crimes, but Trey refuses unless the alleged perpetrator is Hillary Clinton. At the end of every episode, America dies a little.

See that Politico story about all the fucktons of money Democratic candidates are raising for 2018 elections, and how much piss is accumulating in the collective pants of Republicans who have to face voters with “Hey, I know the President spends a lot of time golfing and defending Nazi terrorists, but at least we passed no bills that matter, vote for meeeeeeeohgodIknowhowstupiditsoundstoevenask,” with at least 162 candidates raising more than 100 grand already? GODDAMN THAT IS A SEXXXY STORY, IS IT NOT?

I don’t know about y’all, Resisters, but I am SEXUALLY AROUSED for the rapidly approaching opportunity to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Oh God, it’s just over a year away now, but I think I need to put some Marvin Gaye on. Unnnnnnnnnnnh.

I missed this one, but it looks like the Army Reserve, despite missing recruiting goals, has banned green card holders from enlisting, because racism is more important than security to the turdworms governing our country.

…sleep tight.

Knowing that the massive giveaway to the wealthy donor class their tax plan proposes will be frowned upon by the rubes who happily ate all those platefuls of horseshit Orange Julius Caesar fed them on the campaign trail, Republicans have decided to fall back on their one tried n’ true tactic: lying with shit-eating grins on their faces.

The standard line is that the “average” family will magically have $4,000 extra, through the magic of trickle-down economics, which will totally work this time, unlike all the other times.

The line also fudges a bit on the whole “average” thing. Yes, Secretary Mnuchin will save enough money to keep his trophy wife hanging around a year or two after the viagra stops working, and Donnie Dotard’s shitty devolved children will save enough to build a compound in some third world nation without an extradition treaty, but you? Shit, Dawg! Go ahead, splurge! Get sprinkles on that donut. Replace the laces in your work shoes. If you wanna get real nutz, take the whole family to the movies, just don’t order large sodas. POPULISM!

And Republicans in Iowa threw in the towel on their latest attempt to “restructure” Obamacare, having run into the same problem Republicans always encounter in their health care fuckery: how to take coverage away from their constituents while still avoiding blame for all the death n’ stuff. Call it the How Can We Get Them to Thank Us For Unplugging Gramma Conundrum.

Anyway, I’m tired, and I can’t think of a funny way to wrap up tonight’s post, FOR WHICH I BLAME GOD. Go about your business, all ye Resisters, all ye Cucks.

Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.