This is the 2nd day of the week-long blog of Chad
Arthur Helmuth (as told to his son, Jack Helmuth). Chad, a devout small government Republican
and die-hard Ronald Reagan supporter, went into a coma when he jumped into an
above ground swimming pool filled with liquid nitrogen in an attempt to freeze
himself the day Reagan was shot in 1981. He awoke from his coma yesterday morning and, due to unfathomable pain,
remains on what I can only describe as an “optimistically lethal” level of
narcotics. He has been pronounced
legally dead 4 times in the last day.

BLOG DAY 2

Hey everyone! I’m
awake again and excited to share my experiences with you. I understand that my son Jack here is
transcribing what I say in a blog of his. Well, good for him! Now, what is
a “blog?”

Mmm hmm. I see. And any asshole in the world can post a “blog?” Really?! And they expect other people to read their asshole opinions? No kidding! Well I’ll be a skinless hospital patient!(Laughs. The laughter causes his exposed lungs to
start bleeding. He cries out in pain) Oh! I just got a great idea! People
should write outright lies in their blogs and then get the news media to report
the lies as if they’re true, citing “sources.” But, check this shit out…the “sources” are really the blogs, and the
news media write the blogs themselves!

They do, huh? Oh
well, I guess there’s no such thing as a new idea. Now, tell me, what’s an “internet?”

Wait wait wait! I’ve
got bigger things to ask you about, including the most pressing and important
question that’s been in my mind the last day: Is Han Solo all right? God I hope
so, having gone through a very similar thing in my life recently. When he was successfully de-thawed, was he
also missing all of his skin? No? Just the edge from his acting? Well that’s a shame. Especially for me, seeing as I need to be
cauterized every half hour.

Well, there’s no bigger Star Wars fan than me, and I can’t
wait to watch “Revenge of the Jedi!” I
can only imagine the exciting and fitting death that awaits Boba Fett for his
treachery.

3 other movies after “Jedi”??? NO
WAY! That’s
great news! I’ll bet there’s no way at
all that they’re disappointing! Reagan
lived to 93 and I’ve got four more “Star Wars” movies to see, all of
which will be of the caliber of “The Empire Strikes Back!” Who’s the luckiest man alive?

OWWWWW!!! HERE IT
COMES AGAIN! THIS IS AN UNSPEAKABLE PAIN
THAT CAN ONLY BE WROUGHT BY GOD HIMSELF! THE DEVIL IS FUCKING ME WITH HIS HORNY DICK! HE’S USING LEMON JUICE AS
LUBE WHICH IS ESPECIALLY BAD CONSIDERING MY ENTIRE FUCKING BODY IS AN OPEN
WOUND. HOLY SHIT LET ME DIE!

The next time the doctor comes in here I’m gonna ask him to
let me go. I want to die. Remember a few minutes ago when I said, “Holy
shit, let me die?” Yeah, that wasn’t
hyperbole or being emotional. That was
sincere fucking request. I’m gonna tell
the doctor to do it – fuck your blog.

What do you mean “I can’t?” Well what business is it of the government’s if I die? That’s my business, and it’s a
personal decision. A private matter to
be decided as a family. I have a right
to die if I want to, God dammit!

Man, these fucking Democrats and their bureaucracy!This is what I’m talking about! They go around legislating every little piece
of people’s lives, leaving nothing to the individual. Typical Democrats, winning the South every
election with their over-regulation and bloated government. How dare they! I mean, look at me. Actually, no – don’t. I look like Slim Goodbody after spending a
week in a blast furnace. Figuratively,
look at me…I’m the perfect example of someone who should be able to take his
own life if I want. I’m in constant pain
with no hope of ever leading a meaningful life. I can’t use any of my senses, I can’t swallow, I can’t blink. I don’t have cotton-mouth…I have fucking
fiberglass-mouth. Oh, and apparently I
smell like a GoodYear Tire factory…that burned to the ground…that had cat shit
used an accelerant. At least that’s what
the nurse said. I’ll have to take her
word for it – I can’t fucking smell.

I deserve to die. It just makes me sick that that choice is taken away from people. It’s inhumane. Now, someone who’s been pro-choice his whole
life like President Reagan (sure, he tried to get some religious loons on board
by flip-flopping on abortion for the election, but c’mon, he was Governor
Abortion in California)
knows better than to destroy an individual’s choice – it’s the hallmark of
being a true Conservative Republican. We
don’t do things like legislate a person’s body or what they do in their
bedroom. That mentality undoubtedly must
be the legacy of President Reagan and all Republicans who strive to claim his
mantle.

Why do you keep looking at me like that, Jack?

(NOTE: I just caught my dad up on the state of
Choice in America. I thought the George W. Bush stuff would
finally do what God, and the government, refuse to do, and kill him on the
spot. Amazingly, he kept asking me
questions. When we got to Sarah Palin,
he started spitting up blood. Of course
that happens to a lot of people I know who haven’t been engulfed by liquid
nitrogen. Anyways…boy, that’s a lot of
blood. It’s like looking at the
fountains outside of Treasure Island in Las
Vegas. Wow,
look at that. I’ve never seen that color
before. That must be heart blood. Will blog more tomorrow in the off, off
chance Chad
Helmuth lives another day.)