We’re doing it, you guys! I mean, I’m doing it! (Although, if you’re helping me, credit where credit is due … please let me know what you’re doing to help me out in the Great Awkward Boners Battle and I will see that you are given the proper amount of respect. Which is, frankly, very little.) But anyway, how shocked was I when I did an awkward Google search today and discovered this:

PAGE 2, BITCHES!!!

We’ve moved up to page 2! Only 5 days after we first moved to page 3! That’s gotta be some kind of record. Please call the Google people and confirm. (The comment was directed at my secretary. Get on it, Rose.)

Um, except then there’s this:

The competish

Just when a guy starts to get cocky about his Google position, he sees that hanging out 3 spaces above him. What is that? I don’t even want to click on it.

There is still work to be done, my friends. And by my friends, I mean me.

As everyone on the Internet knows, Awkward Press is currently engaged in a fierce battle with Awkward Boners for Google “awkward” search term supremacy. Of course, they are unaware that they are engaged in this battle. But as Patton said, “one-sided battles are the only ones worth winning,” and he was pretty smart about generaling.

When I launched this campaign against the awkward boners, it was really nothing but a pipe dream. I mean, let’s be honest … independent publisher Awkward Press really doesn’t stand much of a chance against a site as single-mindedly brilliant as Awkward Boners. But then a funny thing happened: the more we wrote, the higher up we moved. Right now, we are the 24th most popular result for the word “awkward” on Google. We’ve blown out the Be Your Own Pet album Get Awkward! on Amazon. (Which is a shame, ’cause I like those kids. Sorry BYOP!) Cracked.com’s list of Letterman’s Most Awkward Moments, the one that caused me migraines last week? Try 14 SPOTS BELOW US!

And the best part is this: not only are we the 24th most popular search result for “awkward” … we are the 19th most popular search results for “awkward boners.” It is a beautiful Democracy, this blogosphere.

And now, dear friends, the rallying cry. Do you want to see us take down Awkward Boners? I ask you, is it fair that a site dedicated to that most odious of experiences, the public erection, be ranked higher than a noble independent publishing agency that is just trying to spread a little common decency among the people and animals of America? In a world of children, do we really want Awkward Boners to thrive? I should say we do not! And thusly, if you have yourself a website, please help us out. Give us a link, wouldja guv’ner?