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50 shades of conflict

If you expect the erotica boom to save your marriage, you might just get the book thrown at you

Sales of sex toys are booming since the surge in popularity of E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey book series, according to U.S. retailer Babeland.

Photograph by: The Associated Press
, Vancouver Sun

Forget the Grand Canyon. There's a new item on the bucket list: mind-blowing sex. The phenomenal sales of the soft-core erotic fantasy 50 Shades of Grey is stripping the covers off a throbbing unrest in the bedrooms of the mature demographic. The sexual revolution has come again. Welcome, Generation XXX.

First Viagra lengthened and, well, firmed up the sexual life expectancy of the older man; then Google brought free and ubiquitous porn; now e-readers are helping millions of women sidestep the moral panic that porn might induce.

Over 20 million readers in a demographic that skews 30 and older have downloaded 50 Shades of Grey, seduced by the scenes of bondage, dominance and sado-masochistic play encircling the story like a tightly laced corset.

Although the book, which had its genesis as Twilight fan fiction, is a literary joke, (there's far better erotica out there), it has struck a chord.

Whatever the reason, for many hooked on the new "mommy-porn," wanting sexual experiences that were once just eyes-closed fantasies is no longer a source of embarrassment.

The book has been credited with everything from mainstreaming BDSM - the acronym for a taboo trifecta of bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism - to spurring a baby boom.

Women are reading it, passing it on to their partners for reference and adding "more hot sex" to their bucket lists.

But adding "role play" or "try BDSM" to the roster is a little more complicated than "spend more time in the garden" or "finish that novel." For these items, you need a willing partner.

For some couples, a renewed sex life is easy - it's free, and you don't have to climb Everest or jump out of an airplane (unless that's part of the fantasy, of course).

For others, not so much.

Literary fantasy sex can be a standard that husbands who want to be appreciated as more than just a stud service aren't interested in meeting. When a U . K . housewife whose libido had been revved into overdrive by reading 50 Shades of Grey demanded her husband service her with some X-rated loving, complete with whips and chains, he threw the book at her. Literally.

She filed for divorce.

He was boring in bed, and she wasn't going to put up with it.

London columnist Max Davidson declared a 50 Shades of Grey "war ... with men in the firing line and common sense the first casualty."

There are going to be more than 50 shades of misunderstanding if 20 million women don't know how to bring the revolution into their own bedrooms without alienating their partners. Repairing a flagging sexual relationship can be a worthwhile endeavour, but it may require changing the script. For many, it's a scary prospect.

That's where a good therapist comes in.

Vancouver sexuality and relationship therapist Bianca Rucker sees many couples, some who just want to revive a relationship, others in crisis.

Boredom in a long-term relationship can be an opportunity to make a colossal mistake (Rucker says it's not impossible, but it's very difficult to repair a relationship where one partner has already fallen in love with someone else). Or it can be a call for an awakening.

Rucker has seen clients have "dramatic turnarounds," sometimes after just one session, but it's not uncommon to need mediation if you want to blow the lid off a neglected sex life, or steer a reluctant partner into more adventurous territory.

Throwing a book down and demanding your partner act out a role may not be the best way to get started.

"How you talk to your partner about what you want is important. If someone is critical and the other person just feels criticized and gets defensive, it's going to be more difficult."

Even with an experienced counsellor helping you navigate the dialogue, change can be scary - but, like the thrill of taking any risk, that's a good thing.

"If you are going to make changes, it is going to be anxiety-provoking, but that can be worth it."

A common theme Rucker sees in her clinical practice is couples that are too comfortable with each other.

Anyone who's ever been "friend-zoned" by someone they're lusting after knows the frustration long nights of cuddling and TV can bring. Bed-death by friendship is common in marriages and long-term relationships.

"Love and desire don't necessarily go together," said Rucker.

Desire, by its very definition is about wanting something. It's not about having something.

Neuroscience has started to uncover a complex system of physiological responses that support the theory that lust thrives in the danger zones and dies under cosy covers.

Sexuality expert and author Esther Perel writes in her bestselling book Mating in Captivity, "Desire is often accompanied by feelings that would seem to cramp love's style. Aggression, jealousy and discord come to mind, for starters."

Cultural pressures that shape domesticated sex, she suggests, may make it fair, safe and equal, but a contract of mutuality also produces bored couples and a high divorce rate.

We are driven by both a need for security and a competing need for excitement.

Perel argues that traditional therapy errs when it uses sexuality as a measure of whether the relationship is working, and Rucker agrees.

A couple can have a great relationship, be best friends and have a lousy sex life - and it can be deeply disturbing.

"For some people, coziness is a logical step to being sexual. For others, it's different. You can feel more like a sibling," said Rucker.

The physiological response to being safe, cuddling up on the sofa, or democratically sharing mundane chores isn't going to be a shot of adrenalin and dopamine. It's our job to "introduce risk to safety, mystery to the familiar and novelty to the enduring," Perel writes.

No wonder all those 50-Shadesreading moms are fantasizing about a completely different kind of captivity than the kind love and marriage so often bring. Being tied up is more stimulating than being tied down.

Life changes such as aging can be the catalyst for a sexual identity crisis. The bucket list is about decision making and how to live your life as you come to terms with the inevitability of its ending.

"When I feel erotically alive ... I don't worry about death and I don't worry about my age at least for a few moments," confesses one of Perel's married clients who stepped outside of his marriage for an erotic enchantment.

Couples have to find a kind of dynamic safety that can include risk-taking and separateness, even fighting and making up if they want to escape the desexualized trap of "comfort love."

"It can be a safe way to talk about fantasies. You could say, 'I read this really hot story, maybe you should read it ...'"

Among many older women Bussel has talked to, reading 50 Shades of Grey has been an affirmative experience.

"For many of them this is the first piece of erotica reading they've done for their own enjoyment. That alone for some people is a major step. It might lead to seeking sex toys or talking about fantasies."

The BDSM fantasy of being totally controlled that has Anastasia all whipped into a frenzy in 50 Shades of Grey has caused all sorts of consternation among feminist writers worried that this is all about slipping back into some kind of subservience outside of the bedroom.

Perel argues, however, that the very things that cause relationship conflicts outside the bedroom are great in the bedroom: "Power, control, dependency, vulnerability are desirable when expressed through the body and eroticized."

A good fantasy, she theorizes, can state the problem and offer the solution.

You might want democracy in the area of household chores, for example, but discover that enacting a power struggle in the bedroom really gets you going in a good way. (Don't tell me what to do, dear, unless you're going to tie me up and tell me what to do ...)

If the fantasy gets you to the place where you stretch your comfort zones, that's good. But Bussel cautions that if you want the whole master/slave thing à la Anastasia and Grey in 50 Shades of Grey, well, that can be a lot of work for the person who ends up on top.

"When you're brought up to be respectful of women, hearing don't hurt them, it can be a real shift being asked to be domineering," said Bussel. "He's powerful and rich and that's also a fantasy."

Somewhere between fantasy and reality is where the ground for change lies, and it's different for every couple.

"The difficulty is that some things sound good, but they're not doable. You're trying for change to get the ball rolling," said Rucker.

If you want change, expect the anxiety and uncertainty that goes with it: that's where the excitement and the possibility of eroticism lies. "If you are too concerned about keeping things safe and smooth then it is never going to change," said Rucker.

But change is hard, it requires a sense of humour, time and, yes, work.

So maybe that's where the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing comes in. You're busy, you're tired, you've got a couple of kids, a job and thousands of nights of cuddling behind you. When you're mating in captivity sometimes you just want someone to throw you a bone. Or a book.

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