Fruit "too fruity"

Consumers want fruit to be "less fruity" and more savoury, a new survey suggests. "People are fed up with oranges that taste of fruit," said Steve Human-Garbage, a spokesman for WalMart, "they want more exciting flavours like barbecued pork...or tagines".

"Quantum of Shoelace" not new Bond film

Confusion over the title of the new Bond film "Quality of Sallies" has led to calls for it to be changed. Barbara Brocoli, the film's producer says: "'Quedam of Choc-Ice' will not have a new title, I can assure you of that".

Red sky at night "shepherd's delight"

A comprehensive study of weather patterns over the last 300 million years has conclusively proved that shepherds are genuinely "delighted" by red skies at night. This "delight" ranged from playful smiles to sexual arousal.

Soap "gets dirtier as you get cleaner"

Scientist have discovered that soap works by taking the dirt from your body and storing it inside a hole in the bar. Breaking open bars of soap, scientist discovered colonies of bacteria strong enough to wipe out entire cities. Or something.

Missing link is "the Missing Link"

Scientists have identified a small semi-circular piece of metal as the "Missing Link". The search, that has occupied the scientific community for many centuries, means that they can now piece together the "chain" that has puzzled them for so long.

Rats "have Top Ten music chart"

A scientific survey conducted by Professor Dusty Folds of Harvard reveals that rats have their own "music" that they compile into "charts". Rat communities are structured around a hierarchy based on "new entries".

Racism "more acceptable now than ever"

Political correctness has become so endemic that racism is now seen as more socially acceptable than "saying the right thing". The comments come from David Irving, the holocaust denier, who suggested "are we going to have to go through with the whole racism thing yet again?"

Sugar "like crack to ants"

Scientific research has concluded that ants, once thought to be dilligent workers, lay around all day eating sugar "like they is suckin' on the pipe." Ants resort to stealing from beehives to fund their addiction, said Professor Dusty Folds of Harvard.

Fish "have social class-system like humans"

A report published today reveals that fish, just like humans, have social classes. Cod, Skate and Herring are what would be termed "upper class"; Tuna, Sole and Plaice are "middle class"; Sardines "are chavs, basically"

Mandarin now Earth's most widely mentioned word

"Mandarin" is now the mostly widely spoken word on the planet, replacing the word "English". Approximately 2 billion people, mostly in China, say the word "mandarin" everyday, often for no apparent reason. Previous popular words were "chicken", "dude" and "Britney".

Universe only 30,000 miles wide, new study suggests

The entire universe, according to NASA, is only 30,000 miles from side to side. The space, almost entirely occupied by earth is "really kinda smaller than we thought" said a spokesman. The moon landings were "just fooling about" and the galaxies are "just some CGI and ****."

Gordon Brown "sleeps with men for money"

A leaked memo suggests that Gordon Brown has slept in the vicinity of other men who are sleeping, and that the purpose of his sleeping is to ensure that he is fit and refreshed for the job he is paid for. Number 10 have refused to confirm or deny the story.

Google "close to becoming White Dwarf"

Google, the multi-trillion dollar search engine, has become so large, according to analysts, that it has collapsed in on itself and is on the verge of becoming a White Dwarf. The next stage, a Black Hole, could see Google pull all living matter into its core, thus destroying the entire universe.

Dwarfism just "standing further away"

A new study published today suggests that people classed as dwarfs, or adults of restricted size, may just be simply "standing further away". This trick of perspective means that normal-sized adults may appear smaller than they are.

Microsoft Launch new operating system for student PCs: Windows Vesta tipped for success

Microsoft has unveiled its new operating system, designed with university students in mind. It arrives as a powder and is reconstituted with water, comes in three flavours and will not function correctly inside a PC.

18-24 year olds most at risk from Cheryl Tweedy

A report shows that many 18-24 year olds are unaware of the risks of Cheryl Tweedy. A large proportion of those questioned said they never took proper precautions to prevent the risk of Cheryl Tweedy. Many would even be unaware if they had been in contact with Cheryl Tweedy.