Posts Tagged ‘Mom’

Therapy really does come in many different flavors. Counseling is the one that everyone thinks of when they think therapy but for me gardening and photography work alongside my counseling to make me sane.

Yesterday, my therapy consisted of photography. The friends that I am staying with have a backyard filled with birds, squirrels and chipmunks. They also have the perfect window in their bathroom that can be opened in order for one to photograph these creatures.

Squirrels cavorted with one another as I looked through my viewfinder. There was a huge smile on my face as I watched them chase one another. I mean, how do you not smile at that? It’s a riot.

Squirrels were not the only creatures out and about. There was a beautiful male Cardinal who came to visit. Cardinals always make me think of my Mom when I see them as they were her favorite bird. She loved them so much that I am planning to get a cardinal tattoo on my wrist in remembrance.

The last creature was another bird, the Downy Woodpecker. Though, as you can see he was using the feeder and not pecking on the tree. It was entertaining to watch him bob back and forth as he ate.

They also have Goldfinches, Sparrows, Nuthatches and Wild Turkeys to name but a few. I am hoping to get shots of all of these over the next few days.

I am on a train to New Jersey to visit friends. While I’ve done this at least twice a year for years, this time feels different. The last time, like every time before, I would call my Mom and talk to her. When I was seated in my friends’ car, I would call her to tell her that I made it. This time, none of that will happen.

It is small little things that still creep up on me five months after Mom’s death. So many little rituals that we had that defined my daily life and now it is all gone. I always thought that my father’s death would hit me harder but I can no longer feel the hole he left but I feel that my heart will never be complete again now that Mom is gone.

A few days ago, I thought about never seeing her or talking to her again and I had a panic attack. Over and over again, I remember that moment she stopped breathing and the pain that stabbed into my heart and stayed there. The cliché is that it gets better with time, and while I know it’s only been five months, it seems to be getting worse and not better.

I find myself thinking of deals I can make with the universe for one more minute with her and knowing that my wishing it won’t make it so. No matter what I wish or offer to give up, she is gone and will not be returning.

I lost a piece of myself and I don’t think I’ll ever feel whole again.

Every time I think that my journey through the territory of my mental health is heading in the right direction, something sets off another landmine, blowing a hole right through my comfort zone.

Sometimes I know what will set me off but today’s explosion was a complete surprise. I knew that the last time I went to Worcester to see my Mom that she was going to be dead before I came home. She was that ill and there was nothing left that the doctors could do.

There was something I could do however and that was sit by her bed for four days and watch as she slowly slipped away from me. For the first few days she was conscious and we were able to talk. I am lucky that the last thing she said to me was “I love you”.

Towards the end things got bad. The pain med wasn’t working, she was gasping for air. It was horrible. And even as horrible as it was, I am glad I was there. Because I was glad, I thought that her actual dying was out of my mind and that I was grieving her being gone. Not so.

Fast forward to today. My sister-in-law’s father-in-law has Parkinson’s and has less than 48 hours to live. She started telling me in detail what he was like when they saw him a few days ago. It could have been me watching my mother all over again for what she was saying.

That’s when I literally screamed for her to stop talking. I could feel myself shaking and trying not to cry. I was once again in the hospital room, sitting next to my Mom and feeling her get cold.

I now know that I need to deal with this issue. It’s not something I’ve ever discussed with anyone, not my husband, not my counselor, not even with myself. I figured because I was privileged to be there at the end that I had no issues with it. I was so very wrong.

Will this “cure” me? I doubt it, I have too many other issues to ever be cured but will talking about it help me? Definitely.

It has taught me that, even when I think something is a blessing, I need to discuss it because it could otherwise come back and bite me on the ass.

I have just turned in my last paper for this semester. It is giving me very mixed feelings. I am glad to have this semester over because my life went to Hell during this semester but I want it to keep going on because it feels like another loss of connection to my mother.

The first month of this semester, her and I had a set routine. I’d walk to the bus stop and, while I was waiting I would call her. Or if I had received a ride, I would call her when I got there. Next semester I will not have this – even for one day.

She was a very large part of why I went back to college and she would tell anyone who would listen that her daughter was going to school for Fine Arts and how proud she was of me. I know this because every nurse in the CCU told me about it. Mom even worried while I was with her that I had to have enough time to get my homework done so I wouldn’t fall behind.

Along with Joe, my goal was to have my mom in the audience for my graduation. I know she will be there in spirit but I won’t be able to see her.

I do know that when I graduate, I am buying a leather portfolio because that was what she wanted to buy me. Even if all it does is hold my doodles, I will buy that portfolio. It will be my way of making sure that Mom is part of one of the biggest days in my life.

Now it is time to get the rest of the boxes unpacked and get the house clean for in less than three weeks, I will need to be in studying mode again.

It’s that time of year when I start thinking of what I want to change or do in the following year. There have been large changes in my life this year that, in a way, I’m afraid to even think about any more changes.

There are a few that, while not difficult, could be time consuming and I am not sure what my time will be like with the new semester. This spring I am taking 6 courses, though 2 are intercession courses and end before the other 4 start which makes things easier. These few are actually things that I feel I need to do and not merely want to do which is making it more difficult for me to want to drop them from my to-do list.

One is devoting time daily to my personal journal. I wrote sporadically last year and I now feel that writing more often would have been a help to my anxieties and worries. I stopped writing completely a few days after my mother died, and while I have purchased a brand new journal, I have yet to put anything into it.

The second is this blog. I found that during the election this year, I was often making my opinions known on Facebook and realized that I found it freeing to state how I felt about what was going on in the world. I would love to make this blog about a variety of topics that are in the news, as well as some lighter subjects but again, when would I find time to research what I want to write about?

I also want to start two commercial websites, one for my photographs and one for my jewelry. I have no clue how to go about starting them, never mind marketing them. Again, I’d also have to factor in the time I would need to devote to both endeavors.

Perhaps I am worrying too much about the future. With everything that happened this past year I know that I can’t predict or prevent what is to come, it will just be what it is, whether I like it or not.

Guess I’ll start working on that to-do list. What I don’t get to, I’ll just add to the list for 2014.