Lately i have been pondering a lot on my life and the events that leaded up to me becoming me and who really is that me. I think it's safe to say that the journey from the storm towards the sunrise varies in people, amidst this confrontation of life attitudes and assumptions i started to realize how little of a relationship i had with myself. All my relationships where with people, objects , situations and horrors that came from outer bounds, very few things ever had their root with an inner conjuration. I live my life presently understanding more and more how my relationship with myself was affected by rape, and i see how many unlived lives i have within me. It's as if i discovered a whole new side of my life which was being blotted out by the eclipse of tragedy. I'm sharing this with the hope that all of you never forget just how vast we are, as men, as humans, as divine creatures of the universe. The roots grow downwards and so does the man, branching out towards life. My best and love to you all.

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"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

I've always felt, that much of what make me who I am has remained untapped. And because I refused to look inward, and have a relationship with myself, I spent much of my life chasing and running from one thing to another. Going 110% into each interest, hobby, or activity, never quite satisfied, but thoroughly exhausting each before moving on to the next. For me at least, being afraid to face the shame, pain, and guilt, these activities only delayed the inevitable. Finally realizing that without knowing my inner self, I'd never find satisfaction in external activities.

for years, especially during the years of abuse, my relationship with myself was a love/hate type of thing.

i "loved" myself in the sense that i would try to avoid pain and embarrassment and try to find comfort and pleasure. and deep down, i had a certain degree of respect for myself that resulted in a secret outrage over how i had been treated and thought that i deserved better. i had to be very careful to hide this self-regard, lest i have it used against me. there were times when i had attained certain modest accomplishments, only to have them used to shame and humiliate me or to be punished for daring to think that i might win approval by my own efforts.

but i had more hate for myself than love. that was because of how i had been conditioned to think of myself - as a worthless, disgusting, weak, unacceptable, contemptible loser. because of the abuse, i thought that i was irretrievably damaged, tainted, corrupted, and untouchable. i did not like myself because the overwhelming majority of my peers and authority figures did not - and how could i disagree with their apparent popularity and success and power?

only after i was well away from the abusive atmosphere, environment, and community, could i begin to salvage some shreds of self-respect and try to patch them together into a very flimsy self-esteem. since that time, there has been an on-going process of building upon small successes to create a platform for more growth. there have been numerous false starts and setbacks and do-overs, but i am making progress - to the point where i can now say that i like who i am - and would even like me if i were someone else (not have a personal stake in being liked).

the biggest single step that improved my self-image was when i learned to accept and love my younger self instead of rejecting, despising and ignoring him. i finally saw him as the strong, resilient, courageous, creative and adaptable survivor that he was - someone worthy of respect and admiration and protection and gratitude. by embracing him, i became more whole and more able to love myself as i am - for i am a direct "descendant" of him - not an independent, autonomous, self-created being.

Lee

Edited by traveler (08/25/1408:41 AM)

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"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

I too over the past year have been thinking about me, who am I and how did the abuse shape me, how did it influence who I became, the type of people I surrounded myself with and so much more. I do know, the abuse impacted how I thought of myself, never worthy of being valued and loved, never being able to stand up because of fear I might let the secret out, allowing others to demean me,make fun of me, putting me down in front of others while they laughed and letting them believe I had thick skin, but I did not--I was hurt and retreated on the inside but fear stopped me from standing up for myself. I remember one night in our home, friends were sitting around the kitchen table and someone began the taunts and jokes about me. A few days later someone who was there came up to me and said they were sorry how the jokes about me got carried away. He said seeing someone in my family kept it going it was alright. I said I understand and no hard feelings.But inside me I was hurt because I knew the instigator saw no wrong, it was their way of life from childhood. Thid hsppenef all the time, parties, dinners-and I knew this was learned snd acceptable in their life. I let it go on out of shame and fear I have come to learn. So many things in my life, I do know I did many good deeds and never expected recognition, some appreciated while others saw my weakness and took advantage no matter their connection to me.

However, today I know who I am, I love myself--the whole of me and now I can see who are truly good people and surround myself with them, I can walk away from those who demean others or laugh at others over and over. It was a difficult process but today thanks to many wonderful people I am happy and content. I do have a relationship with myself and not the abuser. For those who have not suffered this type of abuse, many will not understand or pooh pa the notion that it impacted me in so many ways. Facing the impacts from PTSD, dissociation, loss of self and not knowing self because I had disowned part of me, has allowed me to become me and now I know I can live a fulfilling life.

Will I ever forget the abuse, the answer is no, will I allow it to control and prevent me from having a relationship toward myself no. I did that for too many years and I learned others can prey on our weakness of not having a relationship with self.

Thank you for posting,it is always a positive thing to do, reflect on where our life was and where we are today.

Very valuable insight here, thanks all. For me, going back and forgiving, then loving my younger self has been key in learning it's also all right to love my adult self. Loving myself has put me on the path to not just healing my wounds, but accepting the love of others. That has always been hard for me to accept, as much as I've wanted that love. Supportive energy from me for all you brave guys.

This is so cool, i love this post.I was in a rocky boat of a relationship with a man I truly loved. I kept him on quick sand as he would ask " what do you want". It has taken me more great loss to finally realize that until I know what I want and am at peace with accepting me, i can't really be available for others.

It's a big price, we draw people in but if the centre of the charm is a firestorm then we can't really embrace them unflinchingly. I sometimes read posts that really resonate and this just has me on my ass. I know that I am coming to embrace and honour that inner self. I just wish he knew what he wanted ahead of time.

The problem i have is i often dont know what i want til experience it, and i dont realize what i had til its gone.

thanks brothers

All I know is that I am now capable from learning from those experiences to help shape what i love best in life. Me

You guys rock

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The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

I get it I really get it and it's only taken me 45 years to learn to start loving me, like traveler my biggest step was finding the 11 year old inside of me.

It's a two way thing I look after him and he shows me what I was and still are capable of, it's the me that would have been standing here if it wasn't for the CSA.

I can now see in him the real me so I'm peeling off the layers of abuse with the help of my T and all of the awsome guys on here and I'm learning to love me again and to finally become the man I should have been.

In the words of one of my all time favourite Joe Cocker songs

Come together, raise up your voicesThis time my song of love and life won't go awayI'll sing forever here in the sunshineI've lived to see the sun break through the stormAnd I'm so glad I'm standing here today

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To look up and not down,To look forward and not back,To look out and not in

Thank you for writing this. While you wrote this about yourself, it touches all of us. By reflecting on your words, we can learn more about the truths of our individual lives.

I know that for years, I have been afraid of seeking the truth of my own existence. I was afraid for what I might find. Not only would the examination of myself mean reliving the CSA, it would mean I would finally have to face myself head on with no place to hide or nowhere to run. I have been afraid to find out who I am. I don't know if I'm strong enough to know who I really am. After reading your post, I may be able to seek the truth, learn who I really am, and discover my purpose in life. Again, well done.

This is one of the most insightful posts at MS I've seen. Thank you for writing it. I've read it 3 times now over the last couple of days, and will be reading it again.

It fits in very nicely with my science nerd fanatic in me; wondering about the 'truth' of what it means to be conscious and self aware in a universe that is constantly evolving and changing. At the quantum level of reality, this gives rise to "many possibilities", the "unlived lives" we have within us. We're all filled with so much potential, and abuse inflicts immense and untold damage on us.

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