How Do I Deal With A Guy That Is Really Possessive But Refuses To Be My Boyfriend? Ask A Pro

So I have a crush on one of my roommates, which is obviously not great. We just met when we and a couple others moved in a couple months ago (connected by a mutual friend). I know that if we didn't live together I would think he was cute for like maybe five minutes and never think about it again; he's fine but I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend and he's not thaaat hot; I have NO interest in pursuing anything with him. But like my boyfriend lives far away and whenever I'm a little drunk and horny, there this guy is, or when I haven't had sex for two weeks, he's just strolling around all bedheaded and stuff. (Also he wears sweatpants all the time at home, which like sorry if this is weird but men in sweatpants are totally my kryptonite. Can't resist 'em.)

I seriously have NO interest in pursuing anything but I think there's a little sexual tension between us, maybe not just on my end. And like I keep catch myself wearing yoga pants instead of flannel pajamas, or lining my eyes before dinner, because I guess I want the attention or whatever, sorry. Plus I get along with him best of all the roommates by far, so I want to keep spending time around him without thinking about him sexually. He has a girlfriend and she's awesome and I have no interest in coming between them, or in damaging my own relationship, which is really really good. So I guess my question is how can I get myself to stop imagining what he's like in bed or staring at his body when his back is turned? Or whatever other wise advice you have.

You're the best,

Randy Roomie

Dear Randy Roomie,

Not that unrequited sexy thoughts about your roommate are the worst thing in the world, but: Stand outside the bathroom door and listen the next time he drops an epic deuce. Then, go in as soon as he’s done. That should purge any and all sexy thoughts. If it somehow increases them, you might want to, uh, talk to someone. Barring that, I honestly don’t know what to tell you. People in committed relationships live and work near people they find attractive every day, and they manage to get by just fine.

Chill with the sweatpants,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

First, excuse me for sounding cliché but here goes...

My FWB is a nice guy AKA also plays his douche role very, very well. I get good laughs, some rare spontaneous adventures and some (amazing) heated passionate sex semi-weekly. Which is perfect because I work full time and I'm also a full time student. FWB's downfall: he acts like my boyfriend on the phone (i.e. calling me babe or telling me how much he cares for me or getting mad/jealous at me for certain things) and whenever I go hangout with friends he finds out where I am and shows up or gets his friends to show up (sans him) and watch me. Either way, I'm being watched. In the beginning it came off as sweet until I stopped being introduced to his friends (probs so I wouldn't notice them) and then saw his bro on NYE at the same party I attended. Dude didn't know anyone else there but me.

However, we've been doing this dance since February of 2014 and I'm beginning to feel like I'm ready to play the field a little bit more so I can hit a home run with something serious...with someone else.

Why I can't be with him you ask? Because he doesn't want me like that. Whenever I talk about serious relationship stuff - he clams up and blames his demons (that he needs hella help with) on why he can't settle down and says he needs time. Whatever that means to him, doesn’t mean the same thing to me. He preaches to me about being “the one,” and how I he likes that I am so loyal and honest…blah, blah, blah. The basic FWB script. His favorite line is, "I wish you'd just stay home and not go out as much."

I am a social butterfly - I must be around people to function properly.

Last weekend, he joined me and a group of friends at a hockey game and tagged along for drinks after. At the bar, everything was going great! He hit it off with some of my guys friends so I didn't have to fend him off me all night like a shadow. However, I ran into some people I knew from a previous place of employment and one of the guys was being touchy feely and gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted ways.

Well, FWB saw the kiss and texted me a, "how could you?" and gave me the cold shoulder all night. Then suddenly started being more interested in a friend of mine. A lot more interested. Taking pictures and asking her to sit on his lap (which she knew better and declined), started touching her a lot more and asking her questions.

Basically, this boy acts like he is my boyfriend most of the time but then throws down the, “we’re just having fun” bargaining chip. I also text him most of the time, which he never (very rarely) will respond and he always chooses to call me when its most inconvenient for me. But why does it seem like whenever I am just having fun…he doesn’t approve? Like, ever. But when he has fun I feel inclined NOT to care (and he also acts like I shouldn’t) and he never tells me what he is doing until after it happens.

signed,

Social Butterfly

Dear Social Butterfly,

Ugh. I got this email and was at first like “wow this email is terrible I wanna kill this person.” Then I realized he’ll probably kill you first. While I appreciate your unflappable (and somewhat disturbing) resolve to look on the bright side of things, there’s a difference between optimism and obliviousness. This is the latter. As a matter of fact I didn’t hypothetically ask why you can’t be with this guy, because it’s obvious that he’s a dangerous, entitled, psychotic, used colostomy bag of a person, and you should get out while you still have all of your fingers and toes.

What you’ve explained is, more or less verbatim, the textbook description for how to be a controlling, emotionally abusive psycho. Why, in fact, there’s a graphic for that!

He’s not quite all the way there yet, but he’s getting close! It is bad and weird to get jealous over stupid shit with someone who isn’t your girlfriend. It is disturbing the way he uses phone communication to control how and when you can contact him. It’s a sign to start packing your shit when he says things like “I wish you didn’t go out so much.” But, it’s a fucking strobe light telling you to GET THE FUCK OUT when he somehow employs his friends to SPY ON YOU IN PUBLIC (note - who are these people?).

I mean, read that email to yourself again and tell me if it isn’t the plot to a Lifetime movie. Why did he get mad when your friend kissed you on the cheek? Because you’re his property, dammit, and that’s against the law according to the rules. Why won’t he tell you what he’s doing on the weekends? Because you’re just some slut he fucks on the reg and it’s none of your fucking business, as far as he’s concerned. Why does he talk about how you’re “the one,” but then balk at any mention of the relationship? It’s called gaslighting, and it’s yet another means of psychologically controlling someone.

He is not a Nice Guy, not in the literal or figurative sense. This is not a cliche situation. This is a sad and scary one. There wasn’t really a central question here, per se, but at this point your question could be “why aren’t grapes called ‘purples’?” and my answer would still be to get the fuck away from this person as fast as humanly possible. Don’t text him. When he calls, tell him you’re done with this and then ignore whatever he says next (or just hang up). Don’t tell him where you’re going. Don’t tell him anything. If he shows up at your door, don’t let him in. If he doesn’t leave, call the fucking police. I’ll bet you $5 that when you start to slip out of his control, he’ll escalate everything in that graphic up there. It’ll be ugly, and hopefully it doesn’t get physically violent, but it’ll be worth it.

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