Although we are black, white, atheist, libertarian, moderate, and liberal, we share one thing in common. Our scorn for the shallowness of humanity. Unlike some corpulent black bloggers and knee-jerk partisans who can't see beyond party affiliation, we will not delete or edit your posts. EVER. We are nonpartisan. If you have a good idea, we will honor it by letting it stay up and offer feedback. If you make a stupid posting, we will leave it for everyone to laugh at.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Mall: Noah's Ark For Retards

Ah the mall, the Mecca of daily commerce. You can find more things than you don't need at the mall. And while the mall may look like fun place where kids can run free and you can look a shit you can't afford through thick glass windows along with hundreds of your fellow consumers... The mall looks more like this to me....

At least he gets a fucking shovel I got a defunct Sam Goodey Rewards Card...

First off, going to the mall is a fucking excursion into a cold barren wasteland that would be a wet dream setting for a Jack London novel. You have to rally up at least one other stalwart soul who after releasing a death rattle of a sigh can supress the immediate flood of bile that rushes into their mouth like when you see Rosie O'Donnell eating/naked, or just eating naked. (Bleh) See they are going to save your sanity so you can make the return trip home their Apollo 13, because at some point you are going to lose your temper and you need someone to talk about what a fucking retard some person was i.e.

YOU: AAARGGH, what a fucking retard.

If you were alone you'd probably desend into the depths of a red rage capable of making people think you were a totally sweet ninja! (Okay so I bought the book REAL Ultimate Power) This crucial companion will probably be called upon their sacred duty to agree with you right around the time you try to park. Getting to a parking spot is unbelieve able people turn into Grand Theft Auto, and grow the biggest balls I have ever seen like they are packing an AK-47 up their butt. Like this one on Christmas Eve time I lucked out and about to nail the world's greatest parking spot, first available spot right after the Handicap spot, but this 50 year old asshole in an SUV leaps the curb. Rumbling over the sidewalk and down the other curb and into my spot I signaled for, he gloated over it to and his 4 wheel drive, thats what pushed me over the edge. Now had I had a buddy their I probably would have been calmer about it....

Me: Ah, Damn it.

So I parked out in the middle of nowhere and proceeded into the mall and went about my shopping, saving the Chesepeake Knife and Tool Shop for last....

Shopkeep: Happy Holidays sir what can I help you with. (Finally some respect)

Me: Well good shopkeep I have someone on my Christmas list who is a bit of a survivalist and into knives.

Shopkeep: Well we have many wonderful Swiss Army knives to look at.

Me: Yeah I have one myself, but my friend is into the deep woods stuff. You have any of those knives that can cut through tree stumps like those crazy Ginzu knives?

Shopkeep: Well I have these Smith and Weston SWAT knives here. But doing that would ruin the blade.

Me: Could it cut through say a rubber tree?

Shopkeep: Sure, but why would you want to do that?

Me: Well my friend is a survival nut, he'd apperciate that thought.

So away I went with purchases in hand. Back out into the parking lot I went, approaching Mark Trail's SUV the full malice of my intent surged through my being. However upon arrival there he was arguing with another motorist, apparently he was in a rush to leave, and she was in a rush to get a parking spot. Its a well know science theory that two different objects of matter cannot share the same space. Well neither can two SUVs, which explained the head on collision these Dukes of Hazard had. I was saved by fate that day, but who knows if you will be....

Hell and that story was just about the parking lot. Let me give you a rundown of what it was like for me when I worked at a department store in the mall for the summer....

Hecht's will be opening in 5 minutes....

Yeah that poor bastard at the gate was me, I opened the doors every morning to allow the throng of geezers that would do nothing but window shop until it was time for Matlock to come on to come in. People in a mall will stampede over each other like cattle just realizing why they have been sold the Ruth Chris Steakhouse. On top of that there were these women who would come into the store and buy tons of shit but come back the next day to return it. See they bought all that crap to run up their husbands credit card because they hate their husbands, of course he'd never have it so back to me they come. I even saw this woman break down one time as her husband called her on the cell phone to ask what she was doing, and she rattled off what she bought. 10 seconds later she burst into tears screaming no, and three female sales associates ran over to comfort her. It sounded like her child just died or something. Between the banshee wailing she managed to fumble out that her bastard husband said no to all her purchases. What the fuck? Its just meaningless shit!

Of course there are the kids. All I can tell is that there must be some fucked up wildlife program where children are released back into the mall to repopulate or something. This one time I was walking back from my lunch break when I saw this group of teeney bopping girls walk up to this boy looking at a video game display. The lead crack whore in training asked if he had a girlfriend. A little glimmer of hope entered his eye right before she said, "Just asking!" Followed by her and the other girls laughing at him and running off with the leader colliding into me and dropping her little purse or baggie full of make up. She looked up at me telling me to watch were I am fucking going. This girl is 12 tops and I am 20 something and 230 pounds, so I watched myself put my full 230 pounds in the form of my foot down on her little purse. You could hear all the make up in the bag being crushed and cracking, and the look on her face was like I just stepped on her soul. I walked off and said nothing. Do feel bad for her, all she had to do was find daddy and get another 50 bucks, or suck some cock for the same price, which is just practice for her anyways, and she'll be back to looking like a painted up whore in no time. You can find all this and more, at the mall.