Letters I'll Never Send

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There are a million things I want to say to you. I’ve been holding it in for over two years now, and I think it’s because I was just so terrified of losing you. Now I’m not even sure why.

You have this control over me that even I don’t understand. It started the moment I met you.

It wasn’t fair, the way you treated me. You led me on, and you know it. You made me feel like I had a chance, that I actually meant something to you. I had never received that kind of attention from a guy before, and to suddenly get it from one that I actually had feelings for… I began to fall really hard. You knew that, but you still continued to lead me on. Did you like the attention? Did it boost your ego knowing that you’d always have this girl around who absolutely adored you? Or did you actually have feelings for me too?

I never asked any of these questions back then because I was so blinded by how amazing I thought you were. I didn’t care about what it was doing to me. I didn’t care that you had a girlfriend; I pretended that you didn’t. I didn’t care that you were stringing me along. I liked cuddling with you in bed and having sleepovers. I liked staying up all night, talking and watching movies. I liked the hugs that always lasted longer than they should have. I liked the way you made me feel. You were sweet and funny. You made me laugh. You texted me when we weren’t together, just to say hey. You said nice things to me. You told me you’d take me dancing in the rain. You left me silly notes and pushed me in the snow. I liked all of that… and I miss it. I even liked arguing with you like a married couple because it made me feel close to you. But I need to forget all of that, because it wasn’t real. It was just your way of getting into my heart and making sure you stayed there.
Well fine… you did it. I care about you. I’m crazy about you. Are you happy? Can we stop this game now? Because to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this fucked up relationship. People told me I was playing with fire, but I didn’t listen. I wish I had listened, because now I just feel like I’m stuck on a constant rollercoaster ride.

We’re supposed to be best friends, but it really doesn’t feel that way. One day, you like me. The next day, you don’t. I don’t understand. There’s no in-between for us. We either get along great, or you can’t even stand to be around me. And I hate the way you treat me when you suddenly feel the need to bring me down. Do you enjoy purposely making me feel jealous? You think it’s cool to say mean things and try to make me feel small? You think it doesn’t hurt when you suddenly start ignoring me, just because you feel like it?

I can’t do this hot and cold thing anymore. We have months where we’re inseparable… super close, hanging out, texting every day, talking all the time. And I try to hold on to that; hoping that maybe it will last… telling myself that this time will be different. But it always ends the same way. All of a sudden things change. You barely speak to me and avoid spending time with me. You don’t reply to my texts and I’m lucky to get a conversation out of you.

And I’m starting to look back and wonder if those times when you treated me the best were only because you wanted to hook up with me. Like you said, you always get what you want. And you knew that about me; you knew you could get whatever you wanted from me. I should have known that you were just using me. But I chose to ignore that. I didn’t care that I always felt like shit the next morning. I only thought about the moment. I liked it. I liked kissing you, and feeling you that close to me. But to be honest, as corny as it sounds, my favourite part was when we cuddled afterward… when you wrapped your arms around me and we fell asleep together.
But it wasn’t healthy; it wasn’t right. I didn’t want to accept it but I knew we needed to stop. And when I brought it up and finally found the courage to talk to you about how I was feeling, you couldn’t even answer one question. I asked you why we were doing what we were doing. All I got was “I don’t know”. Do you really not know? Are you just as confused as I am? Or were you simply trying to avoid having to tell me that it meant nothing to you?

I don’t regret trying to have that conversation with you. It’s bittersweet because I miss what we had… even if it wasn’t real, even if you were only being sweet to me because we were hooking up. But I knew I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. It was tearing me apart not knowing what it meant. Now I guess I don’t really need to know, since it’s all over. But it’s still hard. Things are different now. Talking about it made you switch gears completely, and now here we go again. We were doing so well. And now, we barely speak. Why can’t there be some kind of in-between with you? Why can’t we just work on having a regular friendship rather than secretly flirting and hooking up? I guess it just doesn’t work for you. You either love me or you hate me. But that’s how I feel about you most of the time. It’s a love-hate kind of thing. You treat me like shit… I realize that now. I think I always kind of knew that the way you treated me wasn’t right. I just chose to ignore it and make excuses for you. But it’s true; you’ve never treated me right unless you thought you were going to get something out of it. I know that, and I keep reminding myself of that. But for some reason, I can’t stop caring about you. As much as I hate to admit it, I know for a fact that I would still do anything for you… even though you don’t deserve it. You know it too. You know that I would do anything to make you happy, to help you, to take care of you. But what do I get?

And that’s why I need to let go and move on. I’m not getting anything from this relationship anymore. I give so much, and it seems like all you do is take. It’s exhausting trying to make you happy; waking up in the morning and wondering what kind of mood you’re going to be in. I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I know you think that years from now, when you’ve grown up, you’re going to be able to come to me and say that you’re ready… that you want to be with me. But I’m sorry, I won’t wait for you. I used to think I would, but it’s not fair. Why should I sit waiting for you when I have my whole life ahead of me to find someone who will actually treat me right?

I know you “secretly love me”, as you told me when you were drunk. I know you said you believe that when you meet the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you know right away. I don’t know if you were just leading me on by hinting that you were referring to me, or if you actually do believe that you’re meant to be with me. But, you know what, it doesn’t even matter. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on this rollercoaster ride, trying to make you happy and never feeling like I’m good enough

So as hard as it’s going to be, it’s time I move on and open my heart up to other people. For two years, I have been completely focused on you, but I can’t do it anymore. I will never stop caring about you, I can promise you that. But I’ve decided that it’s time to use my head, and stop thinking with my heart. You’re not right for me; you never will be. It’s time we both accept that so that I can move on and find the person who is right for me.

I need you out of my life. I know it won’t be easy. I will miss you, and I will be tempted to fall back into this with you again. But I need to be strong and think about me for once. So this thing we have going on… this fucked up relationship… it’s over.