Monday, September 26, 2005

The summer is quickly coming to an end and for the first time in months, all of your friends are in town on the weekends. What better way to toast in the new season (other than with new fall clothes-- I'm loving all the browns this season) than to have a girl’s night in!

A cheese and wine party is simple, delicious and well, just plain old girl's night in fun. Here's a few simple 101 pairing rules that will have everyone thinking you are a sophisticated, fabulous host.

Goat or Sheep’s Milk Cheese:

Goat and Sheep's Milk cheeses pair nicely with Sauvignon Blancs and Merlots...wines that will complement the tangy cheese flavors. From your traditional goat cheese to Manchego or Feta, try pairing any of these cheeses with one white and one red wine and notice the subtle flavor profiles that become more enhanced depending on the varietals. You can also pair with Cabernet or Chardonnay.

Blue Cheese:

Think Gorgonzola, Stilton or Roquefort. These cheeses pair well with sweeter wines such as Riesling or full flavored Zinfandels (note, not white or blush Zinfandels).

Brie:

Ahhh, Brie. This lovely cheese pairs wonderfully with Syrahs or Chardonnays. Either of these wines will enhance the subtle flavors found in soft cheeses.

Aged Cheese:

Whether you plan to serve a robust Vermont Cheddar or Swiss Gruyere, pair these types of cheeses with full-bodied reds, such as a Merlot or a full bodied white, such as Chardonnay.

Fresh Cheese:

Mozzarella, Ricotta or Boursin all pair well with light, crisp wines such as a White Zinfandel or Pinot Noir. Personally, I'd pick the Pinot any day, but either works nicely.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

In true city girl fashion last night I decided to take a risk and step out of my box a little. A friend and I decided to go to one of these parties where you spend a few minutes with a guy, then they blow a whistle and the guys switch up. Sounds ok right? Well, see, if the guys would have been normal it might have been an interesting experience, but instead you had a room full of hot women and some HUGE dorks. I mean these guys come out of the woodwork and the closet...And I say closet, because I shit you not...5 of the 30 I spoke to (yeh I know I really did speak to 30 men) were most definitely GAY! Not just a little gay, as in confused, bewildered, whatever...they were full of homosexuals trying to talk to me about how great fashion week is because it allows you to express your inner child through dress... People, I am NOT kidding.

Ok so, we arrive at this bar in the village, I guzzle down 3 vodka tonics, knowing I'm in this for the long haul and start to survey the pickings. The first guy to arrive was about 5'5, 125 with some funky ass teeth. All I could think about was, wow...I have to talk to this man about something in a few minutes. Soon Ted, the hurrydate ringleader blew his big whistle and lined us up. Let me just take a moment now to descibe Ted. Ted is bald, wears thick glasses, had on a plaid shirt over a white t-shirt, had the pitch of a 5 year old girl to his voice and was most definitley GAY. What was strange was that 20 min later, I was talking to him and he told me had a girlfriend!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON HERE?! There was no way this guy was straight... and then I started to panic thinking, is this some kind of born again christian thing where they make gay guys talk and hit on hot women to make them straight again? I swear it was the wierdest thing ever!

The dating begins... I look to my friend, Ted blows the whistle and we're off... Literally like horses out of the gate, Lou starts talking my ear off about how he loves these events because it gets him out of the house. WOW...Lou was special. he was a software engineer who doesn't date much and really enjoys video games, papaya hot dogs and pez... But I now knew that he was a lifer for hurrydate...Note to self...WHAT WAS I THINKING!

Next was Frank, who seemed like a totally normal guy...Investment banker, cute, could talk to me without spitting on me or making me feel itchy and wierd...But then he stood up and was I think maybe 5'2... oh yeh, can you see me with this one...boob height, not even...maybe nani height!

Then there was Paul. Paul was just angry. he was mad because this was his 10th hurrydate session and he still didn't have a girlfriend. Well Paul, you're 36, angry looking, wear eye liner, your pants are around the mid of your ass and you smell...SHOCKER!

I won't even continue describing these guys, because it's just too much for me right now...I'm laughing outloud just thinking back.

Just be aware... This activity will provide you humor for the rest of your life. I strongly suggest every woman go to one just so when they are down they can think back to that night and laugh their asses off!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

She said- "We had an amazing time. We had so much in common and could just talk forever."He said- "She wouldn't be quiet for just one second. And that outfit she was wearing made her body look weird."

She said- "We're taking the next step...we're going to live together"He said- "I can't figure out what to do with my life. I guess I'll live with her to test it out, you know, see if it's what I really want."

She said- "I heart him. I have a major crush."He said- "Tell your friend to stop texting me."

Ladies, ladies, ladies...here's a thought:

Let's start thinking in the "he said" mode. When it comes to your man, or a possible man, you have to think "what is it that I'm thinking and wanting?" Then...think of the exact opposite...that's the "he said" thinking that will put you back on track.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Now, I know that plenty of this blog is dedicated to the criticism of men. And why not? There's so much to criticize. And yet, so much to praise. So let me introduce you to the first in a many-part series dedicated to the men -- and perhaps women -- who make us swoon, giggle, and maybe even -- gasp! -- think. (Stay tuned for such crazes as "I heart Ben Harper," "I heart Topher Grace," and "I heart Anderson Cooper"). So I figured I best start with the oldest of them, and we can work our way up to modern times. Mick, at six hundred and thirty-two, I love you because:

...when the lights came up and you strutted onto the stage last night, I couldn't wipe the silly grin off of my face. For two hours. I mean really, it's Mick Jagger.

...you are just so darned fabulous. Hot accent aside, let's face it, homeboy was rocking the heroin chic look years before Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie's mothers began producing the eggs that eventually spawned those malnourished freaks. Further, youchanged outfits four times in two hours. You transitioned effortlessly between sparkly black belly tank, gold lame shirt, long black velvet coat, and pink (dare I say salmon?) button-down. Even your guitar was sparkly.*

...I'm raging jealous of your body. Your lips are the real version of what Pamela Anderson is striving for with those silicon-stuffed monstrosities. Your cut arms are the reason I keep going to that tortuous pilates class. Your hips are probably, oh, half the size of mine.

...you've got moves. We know, baby, that Axl Rose didn't invent the slinky side-to-side rocker dance. That was all you.

...you're the only British rocker I know who can channel the Rastafarian grooves of Bob Marley ("Stand Up For Your Rights") and the soulful feel of a classic blues master ("Back of My Hand") within the span of an hour.

...you teach me a lot. You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, ladies, you just might get what you need.

Perhaps some of you may think that this review of Mick is over the top. I know, I know, it's only rock and roll, but guess what? I like it. Have you had enough of my lyrical reference obnoxiousness? Then I'll stop now.

*Special props here to Keith Richards for his sparkly headband. We love it, man. But you are not, I repeat NOT, fabulous.

So the other day i was talking to all my girls about how it is that most men just can't get it right. I mean we all know they have problems with "getting their shit together," and "finding themselves," but I have to say that their biggest challenge definitely has to be the Art of Kissing! In this little note I will describe a few of the techniques men use that they think are awesome, but actually trigger the gag reflex.

Tongue Fucker:This guy feels the need to totally consume your face. He shoves his tongue down your throat so deep that you're lucky if you don't puke all over him. At first you try to moderate the tongue action by slowly backing off, then you take high alert level by slowly blocking entry into your mouth and then finally you have no choice but to take it to Defcom 3 and beat him at his own game...fuck that fucker back!

The Lizard:This usually friendly guy seems to think that keeping your mouth slightly open and pushing and pulling his tongue back and forth like a reptile is sexy...uhmmmm...it's not. I just want to scream, "STOP IT, YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!"

The Slimer:This is usually the biggest disappointment because you think he's going to be a great kisser! You start of good with lot's good sucking action, but then you soon realize you no longer have any make-up on...why is that you ask? Because he's licked it off and left you slimey and gross wondering what's that smell?

The Hollow Mouth:This guy, well you just don't really know what's going on here...Do they have a tongue? Do they have some kind of problem using it? I have no words for this one other than, "please god, don't suck all the air out of me!!!"

Ok enough for now...I have more, but I'll save them for later...until then...GOOD LUCK!!!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Age: 30Height: 6'0Appearance: average and super super preppy, I'm talking suede driving shoes preppy people!Hair:BrownEyes: brown/ hazelLiving situation: lives in a two bedroom in Murray Hill with hated roommateCareer: works for a small Indie label

Meeting Synopsis: you meet for a date. He waits for you outside your building and you take two insane dogs to the dog run. He walks the crazy little wire terrier while wearing a pink and green striped shirt...looking a little gay huh? yeh...well, he tried. So there you are...walking two little dogs to the dog run. You get there all is fine, until a dog pee's all over your leg...what do you do? what do you do? Do you cry? do you freak out? uhmmm...errr... a DOG JUST PEE'D ON YOUR LEG!!!! MOTHER OF PEARL! So he runs and gets a bottle of water to help you wash it off and on you go with your date. You then drop the dogs off and go to dinner, where he proceeds to get a call from his brother announcing his engagement, followed by a slew of phone calls from everyone else in the family..."Super!" you say, because really, what the hell else are you going to say, "no you can't talk to your family because you're on a date." yeh no...so for about an hour he's on the phone celbrating, but he soon rejoins the date...thank god! Apres dinner you head to play a little golf, where to you play dumb a little so he can show you how to hit...hmmm...this is an eternal question...do you play dumb and let his ego have a go or do you show him you rock at driving a ball???!!! questions questions? So you play it cool, he's happy, you're happy, everyone is now happy! you leave and go back to your place to watch a movie and make out a little bit. You then tell him he's not getting laid...nice huh? hehehehe uhmmm yehh... he leaves and says he'll call you tomorrow. Note: NEVER TRUST A GUY WHO TELLS YOU HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU TOMORROW! HE'S NOT!

Deal Breaker: It had to be the pee...seriously, the pee. Otherwise there's no excuse! So the thing you learn from this date is...well, see I don't know what you learn from this other than you think you have a good date and then you're left hanging...someone please figure this one out for me...Thanks!

Meeting Synopsis: You meet him online. He sends you a "you're hot" email, which you find oddly flattering. Why? who knows why? These things always seem like a good idea at the time and then you're like, SHIT! what the fuck was I thinking!!!!

Details: So you start talking on AIM which by the way is NEVER a good way to start something. Of course it turns into full out Sex talk with questions about how you like it even as far as what color condoms you've used. If you're reading this, yes, this is insane...you're right. So you decide to meet him at his apt...you go into this knowing you're going to get laid and who knows from there. Now a sane person would be like, ok now I'm going to a strangers apt...THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!! That didn't stop the mission though. Show up at the apt, he's cute. Sit down, drink a bottle of wine...savignon blanc, which he of course picked up from your conversation is your fav wine... then you get it on. And I mean GET IT ON. THis guy happens to be the BEST lover you've ever had...he has mad skills you never knew existed!!! Your eyes have now been opened.

Deal Breaker: You leave. Well, it was sex afterall and he probably would've called you a cab, but you just leave on your own. Ahhh yes, feels cheap huh? cheap but fabulous!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Meeting Synopsis: He is the guy you notice when you enter the room. Tall, confident with a nice smile. When you are talking with him you find yourself staring at his perfectly white teeth wondering how regularly a person can use Crest Whitestripes without damaging their gums. On the inside, your inner high school self is jumping up and down that the cutest guy in the room is talking to you... inviting you outside... where your "cigarette break" turns into a sidewalk kiss-fest...

Relationship Details: No long term aspirations. Most relationships last from 2am-4:30am on a Saturday night.

Deal-Breaker: When you find out he's made out with three of your girlfriends, he is red flagged. Avoid at all costs, but continue talking about him with your other kissed girlfriends.