Monday, August 26, 2013

All Hail Our Furry Overlords

I was explaining to Dusty my morning routine and why it takes me so long to get started on writing (and why I wind up drinking cold coffee half the time). He was laughing half-way through.

Have I mentioned our house is ruled by Furry Overlords? Now that the children are old enough to make their own breakfast the animals are free to take up as much of my time as they want. Their demands are varied, but always involve certain rituals I've come to accept when I'm still decaffeinated. I think they've figured out my brain doesn't come on-line until half an hour after I ingest the beverage of the gods, because it's a lot easier to say no when I'm firing on all cylinders.

So here's a brief overview of my morning with the Furry Overlords. I think that those with their own Overlords will be nodding half-way through:

1. Get up, get dressed, do morning stuff like brush teeth and tame wild nest of hair.
2. Attempt to walk down the stairs while Cats perform their daily assassination attempt.
3. Get to bottom of steps and patiently explain to Cats that yes, the furry teenage human has already fed them, so no, I ain't buying it.
4. Check food bowls anyway, and refill dry food.
5. Start coffee, because CAFFEINE.
6. Explain to dog that she should eat her brekkies before I give her the morning's glucosamine bacon treat.
7. Cave to dog breath, puppy eyes and waggy tail.
8. Explain to Mr. Nip Addict that, yes, I remembered the cat nip in the scratchy toy.
9. Explain to dog that she should eat her brekkies before I give her dog biscuits.
10.Cave to dog breath, puppy eyes and waggy tail.
11.Explain to cat that he's now sitting where I need to work.
12. No, really. You need to move.
13. Try and decide if my butt will fit in the two square inches of the eighty-six inch sofa the cat left for my behind.
14.Sit down and lift coffee mug.
14.Put coffee mug down, get up, and let dog out. All that food has made her need to go, like, now.
15.Sit down and lift coffee mug.
16.Put coffee mug down and let dog back in. How the hell did you pee so fast?
17.Really, cat? Really? How can one fifteen pound animal take up an entire frikkin sofa?
18.No, kitty! No caffeine for you!
19.Pick cat up and move to one end of sofa. Try desperately to ignore the fact that, from the death glare I'm receiving, he's now plotting my early demise.
20.Try desperately to ignore the fact that the other cat has entered the litter box, and...
21.DEAR GOD, CAT, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING??
22.Ugh. Kitty bombed the room. So much for the sex scene.
23.Sip coffee, finally. It's a good thing I like it iced...

Favorite Quotes

"I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability." Ron White

"So let me get this straight. You want me to kill the little guys, kill the big guys, crowd control those I can't, buff the team, debuff the boss, keep myself alive, AND keep you alive, all while waving a stick and dressed in a towel?" - Anonymous Role Playing Gamer

"I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. The statement is, "Well, shit." - Varric, Dragon Age II

"Why is it all claws and guns? Can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey. Bunnies." - Joker, Mass Effect

"Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" - Dilbert"Aim at the high mark and you will hit it. No, not the first time, not the second time and maybe not the third. But keep on aiming and keep on shooting for only practice will make you perfect. Finally you'll hit the bull's-eye of success." - Annie Oakley

"It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly." - Flemeth, aka The Witch of the Wilds, Dragon Age 2

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'” - George Carlin

"I hear there's a wild bridge tournament down the street. And you know Bridge. It's a lot like sex. If you don't have a great partner, you'd better have a good hand." Barry Weiss, Storage Wars"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." - Marcus Cole, Babylon 5, "A Late Delivery From Avalon"

"I aim to misbehave." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein

“If you think you can or think you cannot, you are correct.”- Henry Ford