Not content with being the best double bass player in Australasia, ex patriate New Zealander Jonathan Zwartz finally wrote an album, and now the Australians are raving about it. And with good reason because it’s a beautiful and highly satisfying jazz album that’s perfect for almost everything that good jazz is perfect for, which is pretty much everything. The compositions are a magical delight and you can sense the fun the hugely talented players are having in the studio from the first note. This is not your stupid rarefied jazz where you are supposed to listen to the notes the musicians aren’t playing. But it is musically clever while still being deeply satisfying, beautiful, and haunting. It will leave you happy to be alive. Listen to some of it here and then buy it for your dinner parties, car, or to help get your seduction thing on

THE FACEBOOK PAGE FORMERLY KNOWN AS “BRIAN TAMAKI AND DESTINY CHURCH CAN SUCK MY DICK”

Here in the Bones we consider ourselves to be fairly open minded. That said, even we find it hard to understand how Brian Tamaki can get 700 guys to pay $300 each and swear an an oath of unswerving fealty for a “Covenant Ring,” most probably made by slave labour in China. In ten minutes he made $70K for each day of the crucifixion, which is frankly grotesque. Apparently we’re not alone in these sentiments because a Facebook page about the wrongness of Brian and his cult grew from one to about 13,700 over the course of a week. Then the group changed its name or Facebook changed it for them, which was just sadly effete. Two weeks later we tried to find the page and got the results below. You’re marked Brian

VICE MAGAZINE

Founded in 1994, Vice continues to dominate the magazine racks of good cafes and hairdressers everywhere. Relentlessly politically incorrect and scathing of the youth culture that has supported it across two generations, it remains a beacon of hope in a printed sea of mediocrity. Published all around the world including here in NZ, its cover price of “free” means its advertisers are entirely subsidising your voyeuristic pleasure and ongoing cultural education. It also means Vice hasn’t got all greedy and sold out yet. Free but priceless is paradoxically awesome, as Mastercard will tell you. Go Vice

This one made you look, didn’t it? No, we still have a modicum of sanity. The Blacklist is all about the things that we love, and Michael Laws is someone we love. To hate. Consider him: have you ever encountered anything more repulsive? From the thin little mustache crawling over his febrile and permanently indignant top lip, to his petty tyrant views broadcast from the rhetoric pulpit of Radio Live. He mouths ignorance on every subject from the H in his Whanganui fiefdom to his Nazi like endorsement of eugenics for the poor. The man just lines himself up as a target. Next time you feel like some repugnance in your life, imagine dining with this loathsome little creep. He’s Grima Wormtounge from Lord of the Rings. The only one who needs to be sterliised around here, Michael, is you. You’re marked as well

ANTON’S

Sydney is truly one of the great cities of the world. If you doubt the veracity of this statement, we invite you to visit Anton’s on Oxford Street. Anton’s is a delightful little shop that wouldn’t be even slightly out of place in London’s Portobello Road or New York’s Soho. Filled with an eclectic mixture of product such as clothing, bejeweled masquerade masks and a truly epic collection of cufflinks and other accessories, the real delight of this shop is the staff. Dressed in predominantly 1940s styles, they smile, chat and help guide you through their collection par excellence. Independent shops like this prove why the large retailer chains know everything about nothing when it comes to selling. Pure win

STUDIO 505

To the best of our knowledge there are no Auckland venues as cool as the 505 in Surrey Hills. This place is like the parties you wished you went to in the 80s when warehouse living first became fashionable and taste and morals were possibly even cheaper than they are now. Then again possibly not. Half underground music venue, half speak easy, the 505 has nothing and offers everything. The bar is made from trestle tables and the alcohol is served in plastic cups. Seating is on the floor or on one of only two couches. But the music is incredible and the audience predominantly young, styling and appreciative. We’ll take the 505 over anything in the Viaduct in a heartbeat

CONTINENTAL NOODLES RESTAURANT

What would the Blacklist be without a nod to an Asian eatery? This month’s special is the Continental Noodles Restaurant on Durham Street East. They say you can tell a good Chinese restaurant because it will be filled with Chinese people, and the Continental is no exception. One time we couldn’t find Fetish in the crowd. The food here is delightful, with a mixture of Asian cooking influences, all of them done well. The place itself is an institution. Check it

CHAIR STYLING

One thing about being in the Bones is you have to know how to get your cool shit on or you won’t last the distance. It’s a constant war with us to see who’s got the most cool chops at any given moment over any given activity. Enter the new Bones sport of Chair Styling. The aim of the sport is to see who can look the coolest in their chair while still managing to work on their machine. Lay backs, 180 ollies, 360 desk approaches, reverse fakie mouse hits, eight foot overhead out back, we invented the whole genre. And we’re not done yet. Watch this space

THE GRUEN TRANSFER

Australians have the luxury of a state funded broadcaster that doesn’t actually have to run advertising to pay for itself. That’s one of the reasons it can produce a show like The Gruen Transfer, which is all about advertising, “how it works, and how it works on us.” Brilliantly funny, it includes a section called The Pitch, where ad agencies vie against each other to sell products that are unsalable, such as celibacy, and end to public holidays and child labour. This was one of the ABC’s biggest ever hits and it’s easy to see why. it charms and challenges its audience, unlike the patronising diet of reality and other shit TVNZ forces down our throats like they’re trying to turn us into some kind of intellectual foie gras. Check it out here

It’s generally accepted that Wellington’s bars and cafes are far superior to Auckland’s. That is to say it’s generally accepted by everyone except Aucklanders, who for the most part wouldn’t know what a good bar was if they fell into one. At the very top of the Wellington list is the Hawthorn Lounge. You’ll get none of your Auckland wear a shirt with a collar take off your beanie oh my God we’re so fucking cool nonsense here. You will get the best cocktails in the country, the most knowledgeable bar staff to be found anywhere, and green felt covered card tables for playing poker and backgammon on. It also has a fireplace and a bowl of marshmallows you can toast, which is good, because Wellington is winter 11 months of the year. It’s owned by our bro Jonny McKenzie and it gets five stars from us