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Much like a teenage boy, Karachi has had massive load-shedding recently. I, personally, have also burnt down three transformers in protest over load-shedding. Somehow that has resulted in a total loss of supply — clearly Karachi Electric (KE) is not getting the idea and I need to burn down an office next.

Charged by the mob, I told my fellow protestors that we should protest outside the chief minister’s house instead, only to see a man with a protest sign emerge from the crowd. Chief Minister of Sindh, Syed Murad Ali Shah, was with us protesting as well. People charged at him but stopped when they realised he was the new chief minister and not the great grandson of Qaim Ali Shah.

Only for the Mayor of Karachi, Waseem Akhtar, to also emerge from the protest screaming, “Meri toh party mai bhi light nahin hai.”

Finally, the two parties were able to set aside ethnic politics and come together for an issue. It is true that in the darkest of times, there is still some light — mostly coming from the homes of people who can afford generators.

Jamaat-e-Islami had also joined our protest to declare load-shedding haram. Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf was unable to join us because all their protests are in Punjab these days and all its members were powering their houses from Jehangir Tareen’s plane engines. Also, Karachi is not in Punjab so Imran Khan did not show up personally.

Together we marched to meet our common enemy in a battle: the KE office operator simply doing his job. Out of the two employees still working at that hour, one realised his fate and jumped ship to join the protest. The other, a seasoned veteran, told us the fault was completely of the Sui Southern Gas Company (SSGC) and gave the exact address of the SSGC office we should burn instead.

Illustration by Leea Contractor

We did go there but ironically there was no gas in the office so we gave up our God-given right to burn national assets. We did, however, give the government 24 hours to fix the issue.

The prime minister was forced to respond to our demands by morning: our top demand being no more load-shedding and the second demand being free Jet Sports for everyone. Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi declared a state of emergency and told the nation that load-shedding was a result of foreign hybrid warfare inflicted on Pakistan in a joint operation by Israel, India, Ivory Coast, Iceland and Ireland. In an unprecedented collaboration not seen since Wrestlemania 34, RAW and Smackdown conducted the operation together.

Indian agents crossed the Line of Control and filled our dams with leftover cow manure from Gujarat turning Tarbela into a tabela. In a midnight operation, members of Mossad ran through the streets of Karachi stealing electric wiring to expand their borders even more. Santa Claus was also employed to come through the chimneys of unsuspecting Pakistanis and steal their generators. These generators will now be used to power the flood lights during the Indian Premiere League.

This is war — and if it is war then it is better to be in the dark so India doesn’t know where to drop the bomb. I may not be able to watch Netflix or sleep under a fan or my Nana may die because his ventilator will not work without electricity, but I will happily make these sacrifices as long as it means we will defeat all these countries in war. We should sell our electric grids and buy even more missiles and not from Israel this time because that would just be counterproductive.

I am proud of KE, a company that will not bow down to any foreign organisations, unless they are Chinese. Welcome to Pakistan, Shanghai Electric Corporation.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the May 2018 issue. To read more, subscribe to the Herald in print.