Tag Archives: life

For as much as I have been working hard at learning to let go, to ‘roll’ with life a little more, and to be content with the here and now and not always go-go-go, do-do-do, goal-goal-goal…I realized something.

I need to embrace who I am, rather than rail against it.

Some of you have noted this to me in your comments, emails, and conversations ‘in real life,’ that there isn’t necessarily anything ‘wrong’ with these particularly type A traits I have, and while I *do* agree (I mean, hey, I do embrace my type A-ness pretty darn well, hehe), I can also see how these tendencies are stealing the joy out of every plan I make, every thing I do, every conversation I have, in some cases.

And that part needs to change. The joy-stealing part. The overplanning to a T of every cookout, gathering, errands, whatever it may be. I end up planning the shit out of it and at the same time, stealing the joy straight out from under it too (yes, errands make me happy…what of it lol).

Because these things? They are who I am. And together with M? We mesh so well (usually. except when I deserve the ‘princess glass’ for being too uptight on any given evening!) – he balances me, I balance him. If we were both all type A crazy, we would likely back ourselves into a corner with overplanned-ness. If we were both type roll-with-it, we’d I don’t know…maybe I don’t want to know what that scenario would look like ;-)

The point is – I am working on the areas that I *want* to change and tweak. But at the core of it, this is still always be who I am. And I need to stop apologizing for that (to myself, mostly) and just find ways to ease up on the habits and uptightness that makes me less than a joy to be around.

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My mind is a jumble lately, bullets are what I could muster. Not one specific thing in mind, but I miss writing. I miss sharing. So here it is, for whoever may still be out there lurking ;-)

I have no idea where my writing mojo has gone, but it has yet again left the building. And it again makes me wonder if I want to keep blogging. I *do* but sometimes I don’t have as much to say, and that has been happening far more than it used to. I’m boring, what can I say ;-)

I’m getting LASIK!!!! GAH!! Finally! I am a little skeered, but I know it will be SO worth it. 24 years in the making, as I was all of 10 when I got my first pair of green-rimmed, speckled, huge-a$$ glasses. And they were, h-a-w-t, HAWT. (not. clearly).

In juuuust about a month, M and I are heading to Sonoma!! No, we aren’t doing a huge epic wine country mecca outing per our usual this year (insert sad face. but 2015 trip, THAT shall be epic, yes?). He has a conference out there to attend and I am fortunate enough to get to tag along. And since we won’t have our bigger trip there this summer, we (somewhat) last minute decided to extend our stay and are staying three more days in Healdsburg, about 45 mins from where we are staying for the conference. It is our mecca, it is where we got married, of course, and it is where our hearts lie, in so many ways. It’ll be a much-needed time for us to get away, flit about relatively unplanned, connect, and lose that burn-out feeling that life tends to hand us, especially during the brutal winter we’ve been having up in here of late!

Speaking of winter, I am ridiculously thrilled that spring may be FINALLY making an appearance around here, and spring running (among many other things) can finally commence. I’ve tried to keep up outdoor runs at least once a week (with Jess, when we can together!) so I don’t feel as though I am starting over from ‘mill running all winter, and that has been hugely helpful.

I’ve been obsessed with roasting a sh*ton of veggies and feasting on them all week. And with experimenting with new flavors and textures – lentils, farro, and my latest – TOFU! Such a foodgasm of late, admittedly ;-)

I continue to work on that relaxing and letting go thing, in all areas, including mental mind games, mindfulness when it comes to eating (vs stressing over what I eat! who has time for that? it’s silliness. I remind myself constantly), and reveling in living UNplanned. I’ve found that in some cases, I need to embrace plans now, vs. trying to NOT make them. Is that ironic, or what?

And, last but not least, yesterday marked 6 months since Nala’s passing. It was admittedly a rough day, with many more tears than I expected, starting with a #runforNala to the tune of 6 miles for 6 months. I have dreamed of her almost nightly lately, some are sad dreams, some are happy. She’s just so freshly with me and sometimes it surprises me to the point of tears. Anyway, with that in mind, I am lamenting a memorial run for the one year anniversary. 12 miles for 12 months for Nala and 1(.1!) for Kayla (who has been amazing lately, so cuddly, so loving, so NEEDED) to the tune of my ‘own‘ 13.1, the way I’ve loved to hit this number the last couple of years. Not a racer, but I do enjoy hitting that number each year at least once, just for fun ;-) More on that later. Just rambling now.

Okay, I think that’s about it, for what’s jumbled in my brain right now. Not a pretty post, not overly thoughtful or even very humorous, but it’s what I got ;)

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I just happened to look at the date and realized that today is five years since I started blogging (how fitting, on my 500th blog on this blog, my ‘newer’ blog over the past five years).

Five years since I began a journey that I had no idea where it would take me, literally, but also here, in this little space of mine.

I had no idea how many people I would connectwith, how many of those people I now consider very good ‘blends,’ – from attending their wedding in Mexico, to a summer weekend ‘upta camp,’ to visits in Atlanta, Austin, Chicago, New York City, Costa Mesa, Vegas, and even right here in Boston.

I had no idea what I would discoverabout myself as a result of blogging, in sharing my story of divorce, discovery, renewal, and love, found, yet again.

I had no idea of the connectionsI would make as a result of my passion for fitness, the barre (n9ne!) running, my relationship with food and my body, and being a fitness instructor. Again, literally, and also in processing my feelings, thoughts, emotions and milestones.

Five years.

I continue to go back to that feeling of realizing what a difference time really makes. And what a difference your life can look like as time spans on, especially as you take that life and shape it into a life you are proud of, and a life that feels fulfilled, happy and full of joy, love, and that (sometimes elusive) feeling of balance and peace.

Looking back? My first blog post on my old blog:

There, I said it. I’m 29 and I’m getting divorced. Never thought I’d be saying it or living it, to be honest. I decided to start a blog as I go through this journey because though it has only been about three months since this all started, I’ve gone through some massive changes and I thought a blog would be a great way to share my experience with those going through it, but also because there really aren’t any blogs out there that talk about divorce and moving on in your life with a very positive vibe. I see plenty that are all about looking back and wishing life had never changed, or being bitter about being abandoned by their former spouse. And, to be honest, I thought I’d fall into that camp as well, but I haven’t. I’ve really taken this time to figure out what I want in my life and have learned so much already, I can’t imagine where life will take me!

Whoa. Soweird to read those words and picture exactly where I was sitting when I wrote them.

And the last post on that blog, in part:

I’m proud of her ,and who she’s become. And while I am letting her go in favor of the me I am now, she has shaped me into who I am today. I’m damn proud. I don’t care if this post sounds a bit indulgent…I know it probably does, but after getting through the difficulties of divorce and all of the baggage that comes with it (poor finances, loss of a house, lack of confidence, sadness and loss), I’m not her anymore.

I’m me…renewed.

And I thank you all for joining me in my journey and allowing me to share in yours. Cheers, friends.

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

And that, my friends, is exactly the sentiment I stand behind day in and day out, be proud of your past, the ups and downs, the strife, the learning, and then let go of it and move on.

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But today, during a much needed massage (I rarely get them and when I do, I instantly wonder why I don’t more often!), I realized I cannot relax. I tense my shoulders, I close my eyes but they aren’t really that relaxed, sleepy shut, they are shut but still somewhat tense, and while I eventually relax, it’s usually near the end of the massage that I really feel like I’ve ‘succumbed’ to the massage and my body feels limp and serene.

I use that as an example, a very real one, at that, and my seeming inability to loosen up (literally and figuratively!) and let go. It is *that* ingrained in me, to be go, go, go, that really relaxing, without something on my mind, a list, a reminder to do something, clutter I want to clear off the table etc. It’s always something.

I do it with my workouts. (that is changing though, as I’ve written about here most recently and a top priority for me to revamp my mindset and stick with my ‘smarter, not harder!’ mindset and actually believe it when I do it, not do it and then harp on it for hours after, silly self guilt!).

I do it with M. Yep, I do. And I hate it. Sometimes I just want to let go more around him, let him take the lead, release more. In every way (ahem). To melt into his hugs always, and not for just a moment. Whenever I catch myself rushing through THAT, I literally want to slap myself. Who does that?

I do it with work. This has gotten better, but it still happens. I have this PR agency mentality (everything must be done…YESTERDAY. every deadline, everything, faster, faster, do it, do it) that I still haven’t shaken after three years *not* working at an agency, and I catch myself rushing through editing something, or writing something, or replying to an email. I need to relax in this way too. Take more time to think about a response. No knee jerk reaction. No let’s see how fast I can get this done and impress my boss…but at what cost? Quality? Stress? Self-imposed deadlines are my nemesis.

I need to relax. I need to keep this high on my list for 2014, the year of intention. It just must be done. Who doesn’t relax during a massage?! I mean, come on!! ;-)

Boy, was that an a-ha moment today, that unfurled a slew of other ways I don’t ‘relax’ in my life. and it’s food for thought for me as we head into the first official work week of the year. Game face on…

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In my quest to continue my journey to letting go and giving way to better balance, I have started to notice some signs that I may just be coming around.

By way of compromise.

I am the queen of anti-compromise. I am all for *other* people compromising, but when it comes to compromise myself, I fully admit I am kinda bad at it. (my sister Jess is likely nodding her head right now…stop nodding so hard, I know, I know!)

Some of these signs of compromise are smaller, some of them are bigger, but they are all signs that maybe, just maybe I am capable of compromise and letting go of the need for perfection and my ‘particular (aka type A like whoa…) ways.

For example…

My numbers fixation. I used to stress about how many workouts I did – my ‘me’ workouts compared to those I teach. Now? I have gotten into a good cadence of balancing those ‘me’ workouts with how many classes I teach in a week. If I teach more, I pare back, if I teach less or equivelant to my ‘norm,’ I go by feel. If I feel good, I’ll try and hit that fourth run of the week, if I am tired, I may not. Or maybe I’ll – gasp – cut a run short. Something I NEVER would have done a year ago. I’d think about that number too much. Now I have not a clue how far I run usually, unless I know the route already (and I never usually look at the mileage on the treadmill, but go by length of time, if anything). To me, this is huge progress. Smarter, not harder, ‘phase two’ – my evolving workouts just work for me, I have never felt better, I feel fit, I feel worked, but I don’t feel exhausted, *too* sore (in a bad way, just a good hurts-so-good way) or running on fumes. I feel like I’ve hit the balance I need, and the ‘happy place’ in my mind too. It’s not a constant battle anymore. Compromise does a body good.

Another way? I have eased up – somewhat – on my neat freak attitude. Just a little (‘cmon, this takes time, people, this is a deep seated one!). I actually – gasp – LEFT a dish in the sink overnight soaking and didn’t feel the urge to wash it. As a matter of fact, I completely forgot about it, because I was too engrossed in watching ‘Sideways’ with M (though that movie is somewhat depressing, all of the wine humor and scenery gets me every time), with a cup of tea, curled up on the couch. *That* is much more important than a dirty dish, no? Compromise makes for a less stressy mind, and home.

I’ve also tried to slow down – continually – in my quest to enjoy more each day, and stop stealing my own joy, rushing through the mundane or day to day moments, and tried to enjoy every day, not just weekends, not just when I am with M, or my sisters, or my friends. This one also takes work and concerted effort, but I think the more I focus on it, the more aware and in tune with the ‘in-between’ moments as Jeff Goins would say, I will be. Compromise – choosing battles and calming down – has made me happier day to day.

So, I guess you could say I am feeling pretty peaceful right now, I am allowing for compromise, and imperfection, and simply, just changing my way of thinking just a little, and it’s going a long way.