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Re: What do I say?

I agree, fresh is so much easier than frozen! Frozen takes forever and a day to thaw (even after an overnight in the fridge it's still mostly frozen!). And less "contact" if that's an issue. I also agree that you need to confidently tell her how it's going to be. It's not a question and if you project uncertainty, you're opening it up to debate. You're not uncertain. This is how it's going to be. You can be firm while still being super nice and appreciative. If you get put on the defensive, you're immediately at a disadvantage.

You can call me JoMo!

Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

Re: What do I say?

Why does it even need to be discussed at all? On Monday you could just go ahead and bring over prepared bottles of fresh milk for the day unannounced. Tell your mom that you felt bad that she was having difficulties with the milk situation, so you've gone ahead and prepared bottles for the day to help make things simpler. Tell her that they are good at room temperature for 7-8 hours, so all she needs to do is keep a few out and feed as necessary. Go ahead and toss one or two in the diaper bag if she wants to take the baby out. This way you are framing the situation such that you've rearranged things to make it easier for her, not to stand up to her and in doing so maybe she'll be more willing to give it a go. Plus, if you just bring bottles over, no discussion, she'll have no time to think of excuses for why she is opposed to it and she'll have no choice but to roll with it.

Re: What do I say?

Originally Posted by @llli*phi

Why does it even need to be discussed at all? On Monday you could just go ahead and bring over prepared bottles of fresh milk for the day unannounced. Tell your mom that you felt bad that she was having difficulties with the milk situation, so you've gone ahead and prepared bottles for the day to help make things simpler. Tell her that they are good at room temperature for 7-8 hours, so all she needs to do is keep a few out and feed as necessary. Go ahead and toss one or two in the diaper bag if she wants to take the baby out. This way you are framing the situation such that you've rearranged things to make it easier for her, not to stand up to her and in doing so maybe she'll be more willing to give it a go. Plus, if you just bring bottles over, no discussion, she'll have no time to think of excuses for why she is opposed to it and she'll have no choice but to roll with it.

I like this strategy. No need for confrontation- though that's always an option if things don't improve- and it makes it seem like you're listening to your mom and helping her out. It makes you look like the problem-solver and the responsive, flexible one. I'd expect it would be harder for your mom to fight you on the whole formula vs. breastmilk issue if it looks like you went out of your way to make things easier for her.

Re: What do I say?

Thanks mommal. That's exactly what I'm thinking.

It also occurred to me that another advantage of letting your mom think that you are trying to make things easier for her, is that if you do get to the point where you really need to lay down the law with her you will be able to say something like, "Look mom, I've done everything that I can to help accommodate you. Your comments are hurting me, and now I need you to make an attempt to accommodate me." Definitely don't let her get you down, and if you honestly feel like you are at the point where you need to have a discussion with her then I certainly don't want to discourage that. But perhaps if you are careful about how you present these things to her now and make it seem like you are looking out for her as well as your baby, you might be able to avoid some of these issues entirely or at least give yourself some good talking points if you do need to sit down for a discussion.

I know how hard it is to deal with those little jabs from your own mom. Don't worry, one way or another you can make this work!

Re: What do I say?

Thanks ladies for all of your thoughts/opinions/suggestions! My mom gave DD 1 bag of frozen milk yesterday and 2 fresh and I gave her what I pumped yesterday when I picked up DD. I did "confront" my mom and told her this is what i would start doing now and explained she would have more freedom with the fresh milk and she she did say that it would be nicer. My mom is a lot like me and avoids confrontation and doesn't always express feelings and uses others when she's upset to avoid having to talk about issues. I think there are issues that are not me and she's picking this situation to get upset with to take the focus off the real issue at hand (my dad I think plus she had surgery on her hand and i think she thought it wouldn't be this hard). I did ask if she was put out by watching DD and she was very quick to say NO! I'm hoping things will settle down sooner than later and I wish she would be more open me as to what is truly going on.

Oh, djs.mom, I never said I would give in to formula. (we did give her a few oz. total after birth due to jaundice put she wouldnt really take it because she's my little rock star.). But formula to me is an unspeakable word. I was saying that it felt like my mom was waiting for me to give to ok to use it. There's no way in the world I would give up BFing and my relationship I have - rest assured on that! Even with the comments from the IL's. They really are jealous in my book because I get my DD and they don't and I'm doing things better for her than they did for theirs and I'm not a quitter like they were. I got though the pain and sleepless nights and didn't look for reasons to quit. I thought about it at times yes but it was and still is something I want to do more than anything! I used to think I would quit after a year but now I don't know.

Re: What do I say?

I am glad things seem to be turning around. It wasn't your beginning post but THIS ONE that was of concern to me. This post below suggested.....that maybe dealing with your mom while your DH was ambivilent might be too much for you.

Originally Posted by @llli*miniwo

I do not want to end BF but I'm at a loss. I cannot please my mom, DH feels like he can't help out and he gets sad when DD wants me over him and i don't know what to do!

Re: What do I say?

Originally Posted by @llli*joe.s.mom

Even frozen and thawed milk should be good for a couple of hours. I wouldn't let it sit all day.

ETA: It was issues like this that made me realize that I could just pump, refrigerate, and use the milk the next day. I used the frozen only for "emergencies" and didn't freeze milk as part of my regular routine except before a long weekend.

I only use frozen on Mondays and if something happens and I need an emergency bottle (DCP spilled a bottle once and so did I, it happens). I freeze on Friday, nurse all weekend and repeat. I dont like to freeze all the time because I am to cheap to buy all those bags.

Originally Posted by @llli*lilady453

We just went on a 5 hour car trip....took BM with us and just gave her a bottle when she needed it...we had it in a cooler..I didn't even warm it up! (but....that could classify as bad mom....)

My DCP told me after W had been going there for like 3 weeks that he drinks cold milk all the time. They never heated BM for their kids either. If baby doesn't mind it there is nothing wrong with it. I still have DH heat to room temp but it does not bother me that DCP does not.