-APRIL 98-Results: Cat/Snake Toilet Bout Voted Number One:
In one of the closest polls ever conducted here at Ow!, "Grab the cat for some maniacal fun and games" was the number one choice in the recent "What would you do if you saw a snake in your toilet?" poll, squeaking out second place winner: "Tell your sister she can use the john now" by only a single vote. Third and fourth place choices were "Scream like a man" at 19% and "Scream like a sissy" at 18%, with last place going to "Get a field guide to snakes and I.D. it." in single digits with 7%. The real surprise here is, that even with a total lack of fur, the snake swirlied up real good.

Results:Only 8% Spaz Out and Burn the Place down: No too surprising results for the "What would your reaction would be if you had solid proof that your spousal unit was foolin' around?" poll. A landmark 37% of the votes went to "Call their spouse's new flame, ask them if they know about the medical problem. and profusely praise their courage." beating second place winner "Hire Helga, megabitch lawyer from hell, schedule court date to correlate with PMS" by a 12% margin. With "Cancel the house insurance, spaz out, and burn the place down" garnering only 8% of the vote. All indications from these results are that a non-destructive approach is this months revenge-of-choice. (complete numbers below)

Results: Captain Morgan Clear Winner: The who's your favorite captain poll results are in and strangely enough, the only non-human, non-cartoon on the list, "Captain Morgan and Coke with a twist of lime." was the clear runaway leader with second place "Captain Crunch" trailing 45 votes behind. A minor secondary bout erupted for third place between the ever popular "Captain Kirk" and "Captain Picard" with Picard taking the honors by annihilating Kirk with a comfortable 64% margin.

The final March/April 98 poll numbers.

First Question:If you saw a snake in your toilet, would you...106 said: Tell your sister she can use the john now.107 said: Grab the cat for some maniacal fun and games.73 said: Scream like a man.69 said: Scream like a sissy.28 said: Get a field guide to snakes and I.D. it.

Second Question:*If you had solid proof that your spousal unit was foolin' around, your reaction would be...95 said: Hire Helga, megabitch lawyer from hell, schedule court date to correlate with PMS.53 said: Have the kids hold signs reading "Daddy/Mommy's a cheating dirtbag" while standing outside their workplace.142 said: Call your spouse's new flame, ask them if they know about "the medical problem." Profusely praise their courage.60 said: Post altered naked pictures of them with animals on the web.32 said: Cancel the house insurance, spaz out, and burn the place down.