Grief & Loss

How to grieve when...

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MommyToBe62914 wrote:

How do you grieve after a 5 week loss when your SO keeps saying that I shouldn't be taking it so hard because the baby didn't have a heart beat yet? How do you grieve when every time you try to talk to him about the situation, as apart of your grieving process, he keeps saying that it's common and we will just try again. How do you grieve when he flat out tells you that it wasn't real to him because we didn't have an U/S or see a heartbeat so it was basically a late period? I don't know what to do. I keep trying to be thankful for my 18 month old but I keep coming down on myself because of the baby I couldn't carry. I'm becoming more depressed and every time I try to bring my depression up to my SO, he makes me feel like an a** because I'm" still upset over a bunch of cells". I just needed to vent to someone who knows what I'm going through and won't make me feel crazy or annoying.

Hi. I'm sorry for your loss. When my husband and I were younger we had a miscarriage and he just didn't get it. I really felt like I had to get over it and move on all by myself. It was a

True test of our marriage. He was the only one who knew about the pregnancy and I couldn't talk to him we couldn't relate on the subject. I just told myself that was his way of grieving ... he was in denial. I had to give him his space and he gave me mine.

This time around he has been much more supportive... still doesn't 100% get it but he's better. I'm

I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard to understand and relate to our SOs when they just don't get it. Men have a different way of grieving, they also don't connect with the baby until much later on or even not until the baby is born. My SO was supportive and helpful the it was like he just forgot about it, I know he didn't but he wanted to move forward so he stopped talking about it etc. sometimes we have to accept that men have different opinions. If I were you maybe look for a support group or a counselor to talk to, it will let you get it all out without the frustration of trying to make him understand

I don't really have any advice but I'm in the exact same boat. I just had a chemical at 5 weeks and I have a 19 month old daughter. The day we found I had the chemical my husband was so supportive, but now, just one week later he acts like it didn't even happen. He gets irritated when I even bring it up. I think this is happening for two reasons- 1) men grieve differently than women and 2) a pregnancy doesn't really feel real to men until the woman is showing and sometimes even until the baby is born. I have reached out to a few friends for support, they seem to empathize with me in a much better way. I will be thinking of you and if you need someone to talk to I am here as well many others in this group!!

Wow, that all sounds so harsh. I'm so so sorry you are struggling and don't feel the support you need and deserve. We were farther along when we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat but there have been moments (especially lately since it's been almost two months now) that I have had to point blank tell my husband to just shut up and listen and accept that we see this and are handling it differently. The fact that women and men grieve differently makes the healing process so much harder.

I am in a very similar situation. I would've been 5 weeks tomorrow. I started spotting yesterday and told him I was nervous, went home and had two BARELY positive tests (after multiple positive darkening tests last week) and I'm bleeding more today. He's barely said a word to me and I've just been feeling down and mopey. I just need him to hug me and tell me everything is gonna be alright so I can accept it and move along. Instead, I've convinced myself of anything but an actual miscarriage. Maybe it's a fluke, maybe it's a vanishing twin. No, I'm having an early miscarriage and just having trouble accepting it in my heart after a week of planning to have another baby in January. It just plain SUCKS. :-(

I'm 22 weeks and baby has a fatal diagnosis and I will carry to term. I am and always will be pro choice. In this process, I've decided a mom knows when life starts. Not a Dr, not other people, not a spouse, just the mom. It's your loss. Life began for you and now you need to mourn the loss. People say a lot of hurtful things not meaning to.

I'm sorry your husband is not being more supportive for you. Not trying to make excuses for him, but it sounds more like he just doesn't understand rather than he's intentionally trying to be mean. I agree with what everyone wrote… I think guys just don't bond with the babies like the women do and I also think men tend to suppress or wall off their feelings rather than deal with it or think about it. At least that's how my husband is :-) he cares a lot, but his way of coping is just to move on

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