Life on and off the waters of the Wood River Valley

Top 10 White Elephant Holiday Gifts

Mike McKenna

Dec 5, 2012 - 10:00 AM

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Homer Simpson

Well Ho, Ho, Ho what do you know? ‘Tis the holiday season once again. That wondrous time of the year when we happily swill eggnog (so long as it’s spiked) and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus (or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa) by giving our friends and relatives gifts they may neither want, need, nor know how to legally get rid of.

Such gifts are known as “White Elephants.” To help you avoid giving any, or to give you some good ideas for a White Elephant party, here are the Top 10 White Elephant gifts for 2011/12.

10. Chia Pets, Chia Professor, Chia Scooby Doo, Chia SpongeBob, Chia President Barack Obama or any of the other two million products they make: In their defense, unlike real pets, Chia Pets never poop on the rug—and they do make a Chia Homer Simpson.

9. A Beer Holding Hoodie: Yes, they now make a hoodie that dispenses beer, cocktails, wine spritzers, etc. While some may argue this is American engineering at its finest, others may argue that both Camelbaks and the Santa Drinking Hat are much more impressive engineering marvels and that hoodies should be used to hold salty snacks like Beer Nuts.

8. Nothing: It’s an empty ball made by some people in England who’ve obviously spent too much time in the pub. At best, such a gift could be given as some kind of political statement, but those are best left for other holidays like Independence, Presidents’ or Valentine’s Days.

7. Smoking Mittens: Because that’s what fingerless gloves are for. Unless, of course, it’s because you want to hear the recipient recite that famous line from the film Johnny Dangerously: “I've been thinking of taking up smoking, and this clinches it.”

6. Ugly Sweaters: The world is plagued by ugly sweaters. Don’t be a part of the problem, be a part of the solution.

5. iCarta (it’s an Ipod playing toilet paper dispenser): Because this is really the type of gift you should give to yourself—and throw in some Glade while you’re at it.

3. Christmas Musical Albums by odd people: Everyone from the Chipmunks to James Brown and Billy Idol has put out a Christmas album or two. The general rule here is that if it hasn’t been done by a classic crooner like Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole or Celine Dion don’t go there. You’ll only encourage people like Hansen, Rosie O’Donnell and Regis Philbin to keep making them.

2. Gag Lottery Tickets: Giving someone fake scratch lottery tickets that lets the recipients believe—at least for a few moments—that they’ve just won thousands and thousands of dollars is just wrong, plain and simple, and there’s a special place in Hell for people who pass these out. Although there’s a special place on YouTube for those who record such acts.

Definitely agree on listening to anyone but the Chipmunks, and several people have asked if the Billy Idol album is real. It is. Ugly sweater parties are fun, as are White Elephants, so long as you don't drink too much spiked eggnog.And to answer the numerous questions: Yes, I'd happily wear a beer hoodie!Thanks for reading and for all the fun feedback--Mike

Add your comment:

advertisment

About This Blog

Whether he’s being out-fished by his trash talking mother-in-law, guiding one of his young sons through the perils of manhood or finding inspiration from the people of the Wood River Valley, Mike McKenna’s award-winning writing is always sure to entertain. Order a copy of Mike's highly-acclaimed book, "Angling Around Sun Valley: A year-round fly fishing guide to South Central Idaho" from Silver Creek Outfitters.