I'd rather be having a quiet drink... and can be followed on Twitter @alcothusiast; and friended on Untappd (handle: "neilcake" - all welcome).

Friday, 7 June 2013

Pints of Wine in the Morning...

Good evening everybody, and what a beautiful evening it is,
here in Manchester in the depths of summer. It’s the kind of evening that makes
you forget it was fricking cold less than two weeks ago, and forces you to believe
that this is what the weather is going to be like for the next three months.
Well, I’m sorry to burst your little bubble, but it’s not going to be like
that. Even so, let’s enjoy this good fortune while we can.

I’ve got something a bit different for you this week – an
actual story about something that happened way back in 1998. So, increase the
brightness on your phone, so you can actually see the screen, and get stuck in…

One morning, as I was heading out to lectures during my
second year at university, I saw what looked like a petrol canister on the
doorstep outside. There was no note, so I took it inside and opened it to have
a quick sniff and see what liquid it contained. Had I interrupted someone in
the early stages of committing arson? Had a desperate oil drum left its illicit
offspring to be raised by a house of childless students? Was it just someone’s
helpful suggestion for how we could clear up the mess in the living room?

Wait! You forgot to leave some matches! Oh, it’s ok, I’ve
got one lighter that has gas, and another that can still spark…

No. None of those. It was wine, enough wine for 2, maybe 3
people to drink, but probably not all 7 people who lived in our house – or
maybe I was vastly overestimating my capacity to drink wine. People do that
when it’s free - British people do anyway if my last few works dos are anything
to go by. They get excited and think they need to get their money’s worth, even
though it’s not their money’s worth they’re getting. They forget that
they’re in their 40s with 2 kids, and can’t drink like they used to when they
were students, so they end up falling asleep [or over], vomiting through their
mouths [or noses], or committing petty acts of vandalism or larceny. Because in
the snooze you lose world we live in, the first thought is always “I
need to drink this before somebody else does.”

When you’re a student you’re still finding your boundaries
and pushing them, so… figuring that this wine couldn’t possibly be for us, I
decided I’d best sack lectures off that day, find a drinking buddy, and set to
work on drinking my good fortune before someone came a-looking.

It turned out that everyone had already gone to lectures
except myself and my housemate Chris, who was still in bed. Chris now maintains
that he had actually been to lectures already, and had since returned
home. If you knew Chris back then, you’d be forgiven for being sceptical about
that assertion. Getting up early? Yes, he was known for that. But going to
lectures? No – loading a lung and getting stoned is what he was more known for.
That and wearing a hat indoors, because washing his hair was too much trouble.

Either way, it didn’t take much to convince him that this
was something we needed to work on straight away, so he got up (or didn’t) and
we started drinking… out of pint glasses. Pints
of wine. In the morning. That’s the sort of thing you can only do when
you’re a student… or an unemployed alcoholic.

I’d like to tell you we had lots of fun adventures, but we
didn’t. I’m pretty sure all we achieved was a childish rampage around the house
followed by an hilarious trip to the local Kwik Save. I did learn two things
though;

1.when
drinking pints of wine in the morning, expect a monstrous headache by 6pm, and
an inability to sleep it off. It’s not the kind of mistake you make twice.
Actually it is, if only free wine would show up on the doorstep more often.

2.You
can’t drink wine in the same way you drink beer – because you will get very,
very pissed. Beer is for swigging, wine for sipping.

3.

We later learned that the wine was a Christmas gift from the
property company, and thus intended for all the housemates – but
obviously not intended for all the housemates to get drunk. So that was nice.
Fair play to our friends; they didn’t seem to mind too much that Chris and I
had drunk it all. I think they knew they would have done the same thing in our
position – what else can you expect in an environment where someone steals your
seat the moment you get up - and I mean the moment?

Anyone sitting in a prime TV viewing position in our house
would have to spend a long time weighing up the benefits of emptying their
bladder against the cost of being relegated to the far corner of the room on
their return, where they could only see the TV side-on. And they’d usually have
to bring whatever anyone else wanted from the kitchen on their way back because
no one else wanted to gamble. There was also the possibility that they might be
giving up prime position concerning any spliffs that were going round, and
let’s face it; that was far more important. It made for a tense waiting game
which sometimes led to physical tussles between rivals who made a bid for any
newly vacated seat, and I don’t think we’ve seen the long term effects this
would have on our bladders just yet.

Occasionally the whole seating plan would change as others
would take advantage of the tussle to improve their own position, now at the
expense of anyone foolish enough to have given any semblance of moving away
from their seat.

One such altercation that occurred while the housemates were
on acid resulted in one person sitting on another, such was their stubbornness
at having lost out on the seat – if I can’t have it, I’m going to make it as
uncomfortable as possible for you!

Yep; those days are gone. It’s considered rude now to occupy
someone’s newly vacated seat if there’s any chance they might be returning.
Similarly, it would take special circumstances to make me think of drinking
wine in the morning again – like, as I said, maybe a gallon of it turning up,
unannounced on the doorstep.

So, what have you got on this weekend? Yeh? Sounds good. As
for me, the missus and I are heading to Sheffield tomorrow for an nice
leisurely weekend away, visiting friends. You know there’s going to be
drinking. That’s about it, actually. Well, you have fun, and I’ll see you next
week for another post. Thanks for reading.

Definitions

What happens when you zone out after having had a cheeky lunchtime pint.

Alcothusiast:

Not an alcoholic, someone who appreciates booze.

Anxiety, The:

The uneasy feeling that accompanies any noteworthy hangover.

Booze Buffet Mentality:

The propensity people have to go nuts whenever there's a free bar.

Booze Porn:Photos of alcohol.

Bread Chest:Not booze related, but this term describes the indigestion you get from eating too many bread products too quickly. Just putting it out there...

Crawler's Block:The inability to decide where to go next during a pub crawl - often resulting in crawl stagnation and someone saying, "shall we just have another one here?"

Crawl Stagnation:The result of failing to plan a pub crawl sufficiently - lack of a route, theme or over-familiarity with nearby pubs can all be contributing factors.

Excess Induced Alcohol Aversion:An intolerance for a drink caused (usually) by one occasion of overindulgence.

The Family:My whisky collection.

MOMA:

Moment of Maximum Appreciation. Every bottle has one. It's the time you drink it where you enjoy it most.

Old Man Pub:Traditional British pub, renowned for being quiet, cosy and frequented by old men. Much favoured by people who like a nice chat while they drink.Psychological Drinks Cabinet:Collective term relating to the kinds of alcoholic drinks a person has need for.Road Beers:

Cans of beer that you take with you when you go out, to consume on the way.

The 3 Types of Rum:White, gold and dark. Together they form the base of many a great cocktail.

About Me

Neil Cake is interested in all types of booze, but is by no means an authority or expert. Most of the time he's just trying to be funny, but he is learning, and enjoys sharing his adventures and what he learns on the Drink it How You Like it blog.
Thengyuverrymuuuuuch.