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} No. You misheard. The highest PERSON in the world HAS only 8 foot...}} ]} ] Msg From ROOT on TTY01:} ]} ] Stop fucking around with that oracle shit and get back to work.} ]}} You owe the Oracle a new Super User.

> Mighty Oracle, for many a moon I have had been pondering a subject that> has had myself and my flatmates boggled and quite worried, namely, in> light of the many Purity Tests that exist in the world, we want to know> what the most vile, perverted, disgusting, twisted, and generally icky> act that a human being can perform is. Can you help us? What is this> despicably revolting act??>> thanks.

} Oh, my...hmmm...I think that this requires a call to The Department Of} Vile Perverted Disgusting Twisted Icky Acts...}} <* RING *>} -- CLICK --}} "Hello, this is Dr. Ruth of the DOVPDTIA."}} Yes, this is the oracle, I need to know the most vile, perverted,} disgusting, twisted, icky act a human being can attempt.}} (Dr. Ruth) "Well, you know that there is nothing that is *truly*} v/p/d/t/i, because as long as there is love between all parties involved} in any act, it is totally natural..."}} (Geraldo Rivera) "Well, I personally believe that gang raping homeless} jewish homosexual 3-year olds with Mob connections in a joint} Satanist/KKK ritual would have to be at the top of the list."}} (Satanist KKK member) "I'll kill you for that!" *BIFF*}} (Geraldo) "He broke my nose!"}} (Morton Downey, Jr.) "Shut up, at least *you* have good ratings."}} (Dan Quayle) "What's the question again?"}} (Oral Roberts) "WITHOUT question...the MOST vile...perverted...} disgusting...Twisted...ICKY act ANYONE could EVER undertake...is to sit} behind a desk...in front of a computer...and claim to be an ALMIGHTY} oracle...a FALSE GOD!!...when you KNOW the ONLY TRUE GOD is JESUS!!!!...} and people like YOU expect EVERYONE to just ABANDON their beliefs...and} listen to ONLY YOU!...well, sir, i think that YOU are-" --CLICK--}} (*DIAL TONE*)}} You owe the Oracle $666, a subscription to Playboy, and an easy-to throw} chair...

} Enough!}} [Dial 1-212-%@#-%@#$.... ring ... ring ...]}} Slimebottle: Hell Office of Public Service, how can we best serve you?}} O: I was calling about Xxxxxxx Xxxxx, actually, and wondering how you} could best serve him.}} S: Let me see, sir! Right away, sir! Ho ha hum ... hum death hum ...} ho, ... I think that he should best be killed with a single quick} slash across the throat, gutted, boned, cut into thin slices, and} served on top of rice like sushi.}} O: No; he's probably toxic unless cooked.}} S: Very true, sir! Very good, sir! I had to try, sir! Hi de die, sir!} Very well, sir! I'll try again, sir! ... Ho de doom de doom de ho} de aye de doom de aye, should we kill or should we slay, or bake him} in a brick of clay, ho de doom de doom de aye.... I have it, sir! We} should hang him over a great big vat, cut his throat, let all the} blood drain into the vat, marinate him for several hours in latex and} glycerine, and bake him with his underwear around his knees. Then} serve him with baked potatoes and creamed onions.}} O: Very good, except for the latex and glycerine. How about Burgundy} and garlic instead?}} S: I should say so, sir! I can't say no, sir! Mega-right-O, sir!}} O: Go to it, then. Send it to the White House, by the way; I wouldn't} eat such a food as that.}} S: I should think not, sir! That's what I thought, sir! Don't eat such} rot, sir! It's not so hot, sir!}} [click]

} Come closer and let the Oracle examine you in detail. Please take off} your clothes. And sit up here on this table. And put this on, yes, I} know it's a little tight, but, there, doesn't that look nice?}} Mmmm. The Oracle likes that. Now open your mouth real wide and let the} Oracle, uhm, look inside...}} The Oracle has oh so very deeply pondered your question. The answer is} yes, you have bronchitis or layrngitis.}} You owe the Oracle a tounge-depressor and here, develop this roll of} film for me.

> You recently told someone that if cum were black it would be gross. I> have to take issue with this. I don't think it's possible to wear too> much black.>> Have you been letting the janitor answer your mail again, oh Great and> Wonderous Oracle?

} Sixty hertz if you're in America.} Fifty hertz if you're in England.}} Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer.} C over lambda if you're a physicist.} Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes} if you're a surfer.}} Once every two years if you're a governor.} Once every four years if you're the President.} Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle.}} Four times a day if you're normal.} Four times a week if you're dehydrated.} Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer.} Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors.}} Once or twice a day if you're normal.} Once or twice a week if you're constipated.} Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.}} Six times a week if you're normal.} Zero if you're celibate. Hand jobs don't count.} Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.} Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.} Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO} lives down the street.} Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you.}} Three per session if you're normal.} Zero per session if you're impotent.} Zero per session if you're celibate. Hand jobs don't count.} One per session if you're old.} Ten per session if you're horny.} Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight} years on a Navy sub or a state prison. Gradually tapers to three} per session.}} Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic.} Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO.} Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it} didn't really count because neither of you came, right?} Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.} Twice a day for the first two years.} Once a day for the next three years.} Four times a week for the next five years.} Twice a week for the next five years.} Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,} for the next ten years.} Once every six months or so from now 'till death do you part.}} Once every four years if you're an Engineering major.} Once every two years if you're a Physics major.} Once every three weeks if you're an English major.} Once every week if you're an Art major.} Twice a week if you're a stripper.} Three times a week if you're a high school football player.} Four times a week if you're a frat boy.} Four times a week if you're a sorority girl.} Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt.} Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.} Thirty-seven times a week if you're a jigolo.} Forty times a week if you're a prostitute.} Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader.} Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.} Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as} many different positions if you're Lisa.} Zero if you're John Holmes.}} You owe the Oracle a pipe dream. And a signal generator.

} [gaze into crystal ball.]}} 1. You will drink three large beakers full of champagne. You will} then take a bath in the stuff.} 2. Your roommate's parents will choose this moment to come up to your} room to sit down for a while. You confront them without clothing,} reeking of alcohol. They pass out, totally astounded by the} magnitude of your reproductive organs.} 3. A strange carnivorous flower will blossom on the floor of the room.} While the roommate's parents are unconscious, it eats their feet.} You watch, not comprehending.} 4. The flower vanishes. You gawk.} 5. They wake up. Being lawyers, they blame you for their new footless} state. They do not believe your story about the carnivorous flower.} They limp and wobble out of the room, planning a lawsuit.} 6. Your girlfriend shows up. She, too, does not believe the story.} To calm you down, she removes her clothing and pushes you backwards} onto a bed.} 7. Your boyfriends shows up as well. He was not aware that you had a} girlfriend. She was not aware that you had a boyfriend. The two} happen to be seniors majoring in Superheroism. Your boyfriend pulls} out a High Energy Bolt Emitter which he built as a senior project.} Your girlfriend kicks the gun out of his hand. It fires as it} leaves his hand, and there is a large hole in the roof. She then} kicks him in the jaw, knocking him unconscious. Then she clobbers} you, and stuffs you into a desk drawer.} 8. Your boyfriend wakes up. He looks at you in the drawer, and slams} it closed.} 9. Your sheepfriend shows up, rather tipsy. He sits down and waits} for you to get back. After some time, he decides to dress up as} you. He goes into the drawer to get out a pair of your see-thru} polkadotted bikini briefs. He discovers you instead.} 10. He pulls you out of the drawer. You are barely able to stand up} straight. He pushes you on the bed and proceeds to have his way} with you. It is not as much fun for you as when you can move. It} is considerably more fun for him.} 11. While this is going on, your cowfriend shows up. She did not know} you had a sheepfriend. He did not know you had a cowfriend.} 12. What happens next is not very nice.} 13. You and your sheepfriend have some very fresh hamburgers and some} very stale Dorritos. Your sheepfriend explains in low, serious} terms that he cannot continue to date anyone who is sexually} attracted to kine. He can still have sex with you, as he proceeds} to demonstrate in an unusually painful way. He leaves. You try to} figure out how to clean yourself up.} 14. Your professor in Applied Metaphysics calls up to tell you that} you forgot to turn in the term paper for his class, and your degree} has been rescinded.} 15. In despair, you call your poodlefriend. He quickly dashes over} from the other side of campus to comfort you. You carefully lock} the door as he puts his warm, wet nose in your bottom.} 16. Your pterodactylfriend shows up at the window. For the third time} that day, your penchant for not telling your sexual partners about} each other gets you in trouble.}} I could go on, but I think you get the point. After a week or so you go} through all your lovers of your undergraduate career. Then you take a} job at IBM's BSDG (Bovine System Development Group) and start going} steady with a herd of cows.}} You owe the Oracle a promise that you will never, never ask me about} your sexual problems.

} Oh condom poster-child...}} I'm afraid you must be terminated. You have stumbled upon the greatest} secret kept by world-governments : OHSHIT (Overpopulation Hazard} Solution by Harboring Insidious Toxins). It is a project to decrease} the world- overpopulation crisis by using toxic minerals in everday} vitamins. In fact, many victims of AIDS and drunk-driving accidents} are, in reality, just a cover-up. Remember Rock Hudson? Jimmy Hoffa?} Ghandi????}} Well, my curious friend, you have just joined that list. You are to die} in a vasoline overdose involving some guys you met at a bar.}} You owe the Oracle some Flintstone Vitamins.

} Look, I'm not gonna tell you again: your poly sci professor gave YOU} this question to answer, not me. This is YOUR assignment, not mine.} Getting me to write your report would further your education no more} than a sorority girl would further hers taking a bubble bath with a} computer science geek.}} You might as well face the facts:} 1. The assignment is due in less than a week.} 2. I have neither the time nor the inclination to research and type a} double-spaced ten page report explaining why I think Noriega is a} horse's ass. Not to mention why I think the CIA is a horse's ass.} 3. If you're gonna get this thing done on time, you're gonna have to} make sacrifices. I know you were planning to spend the week in} Vail with that bimbo from 'SC; she's just gonna have to wait until} your paper is written. Besides, she's ovulating this week and} she's not on the pill.}} And to think I might not have caught on had you not asked me to} explain my reasoning. Sheesh.}} You owe the Oracle a bubble bath with Lisa.

} About yay big. I remember that because when Lisa finally got it in all} the way, we applauded "yay!" I was appointed the net.suppleness.god for} a day.}} You owe the Oracle a better onomatopoeia for applause than "yay!"