Carolyn Hax: Someone who seems to have it all might have trouble, too

On wanting what everyone else has: I admit I occasionally wish I had someone else's income, legs, job, etc., but the feeling is momentary. When I was 11, I was desperate to change places with Mary K., a beautiful blonde in my class. She had everything I wanted: a big brother, a big house on the lake, a father who was a doctor and thus didn't change jobs and force his family to move every year, a bubbly personality. Her 11th birthday party was a sophisticated trip to dinner and the movies; mine was a-run-of-the-mill slumber party.

I don't remember my 12th birthday party. Mary K. never had one: There wasn't much they could do for leukemia in those days. So I learned that you never know what sadness lies beneath the surface or what the future holds for those who seem to have it all. I still have her photo on my wall, smiling and looking forward to the rest of her wonderful life. -- Wiser Too Young

On a loved one's bigotry: Instead of trying to encourage tolerance and understanding via what accidentally may come across as our own "bigotry against bigotry" -- what if we were to demonstrate the very behavior we hope to inspire?

When communication lines remain open, when we stand together on whatever ground we do have in common, and when no one has to lose face to learn, those most opposed may transform into the most ardent supporters -- sometimes of the very cause they decried.

I discovered the hard way that my having nursed a grudge provided me only with a well-fed grudge. Perhaps we can learn to "practice what we preach," instead. -- People-Loving, Life-Long Learner

On gender preference for one's kids, superficially, but really on being a great parent: When I was initially asked about my gender preference for my coming child, I was startled. It never occurred to me to prefer a gender. After trying once, "I will love it whatever its gender," only to be confronted with: "Aw, Come on! Which do you want?" I asked myself, how could I gently deflect this questionwithout offending?

I replied: "I want an elk." When they persisted, I continued: "When they are young, their hair is so silky. Even the horns are covered with fur." (No one ever called me on the fact that only males have horns.) Amazed at how many friends just could not take a hint, I stood firm.

Read CAROLYN HAX every day in the Free Press. Write to her care of the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or e-mail tellme@washpost.com .