Thursday, June 30, 2016

Life is short. Believe me, of most people, I absolutely understand the importance of saying what you mean, doing what you want, etc. Tonight, I am reminded, again, that sometimes reason takes the back court to what is necessary.
My uncle passed. They still don't know why. He was a good man. Gentle, kind, involved. My sister called to let me know the news. I thought she was calling to thank me for coming out to Oregon to celebrate her daughter's graduation. How wrong I was.
I think of things in my life. What I would like to communicate and sort. Instead, I hide behind what is known. Why? Does it make it any easier? NO. Especially when I receive news like tonight. My uncle was a good man. He had four kids and many many grandkids. Seems nonsensical.
I was gifted a dresser two days ago. Mint green with wood surfaces. I thought about how I would like to upgrade this. Looked at DIY websites and eventually walked away. I wanted to really think about what I wanted to do. Should I cover it in newspaper? Wall paper? Photos?
Or do a mix of newspaper and photo? Eventually, I realized that I wanted to do a montage of black and white photos with some colors intertwined. I would coat the sides of the dresser, the top and the mirror. I will leave the cabinets to green. Still undecided as to if I do the base with black and whites photos.
I will attend an early morning barre class. Think 6:15. Then work. Rest and repeat. I have plans with Sara Jo and a coffee date with my aunt on Sunday. I am well. Thriving.
Tomorrow is a good day. Full of opportunity and possibility. I am excited to be here now.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

I am trying to do as much as I can when I am in Santa Fe next week. It's confirmed. I managed to arrange three days off. I am not looking forward to the drive back in the afternoon. I know that I will be tired and it will take longer than I want.
I have three days and two nights. Potentially stop by the bbq spot in Rye in both directions. I am thankful to Maghan for suggesting that as a stopping point on my most recent visit. We drove down to purchase my car and got delayed by a blizzard. I still cannot believe that I chose to drive in the white out conditions. I really despise driving in snow. I feel that I am terrible at it. Yet, that particular day, I was tenacious. We had to leave to get Calliope (my new volvo. I so miss Veronica!) There is something to be said about determination.
Back to Rye...Potty and beer. Excellent decision. We stopped both directions and were not disappointed either time. They hail from Texas and so there are more things to check out. Shakes, bbq, beer. Great concept and perfect stopping point.
There is yoga. Either at the Railyard or Thrive. Dependent on my arrival and who is teaching. I'll be honest. I would love to support either of these ladies. I have more loyalty to the latter since I helped them with checking people in when they initially started up. I feel more loyal to them. And, it is teacher dependent. I want something great!
Silver coins will be abundant. That is a definite must. I have arranged dinner with Teo for Tuesday. I see chips and salsa in my future. Ojo Caliente for Wednesday with Melody, see Lawrence, maybe Danielle and some others. I have a lunch date for Thursday that is going to happen. I owe the golf instructor lunch from a bet that I lost. I should never bet with my heart and it leads to disappointment. I'm talking basketball here. I am such a fan of my team that I lose perspective and get caught up in the madness. I basked in their victory in 2008. Toasted the awesomeness with a blue shot provided by the lovely bartenders that evening. I remember strolling into a work meeting--why must someone ever plan a mandatory meeting at 9:30 at night?--drunk, happy and unable to focus on the talking points. Again, I return to why anyone ever thought this was a good idea? Not only was it my day off but the national championship where my team was a contender. Of course I watched the game and toasted life.
I digress. Lunch will happen and then I will return to reality. Possibly stop in Rye on my return, do laundry and then hit the ground running. Must prepare for other trips and making them happen.
Tomorrow brings massage, dinner with Jenn and potentially figuring out my laundry situation. My apartment listed that they had laundry on site. Somehow, the washing machine has been broke since my arrival. I have been relying on the Warrior Prince's place to do my laundry. Somewhat inconvenient and I should figure it out. I am not a fan of laundromats. They freak me out. I prefer doing laundry at home, on site or at a friends' house, haha.
Let's see how this plays out. I might be seeking out the WP for some more laundry. Or, my aunt. Til then, cheers!

Why is it that it is always easier to fall back into the familiar? Instead of growing from experiences people tend to return to what is comfortable. Instead of moving forward in a relationship, we fall back into what we know. Become nostalgic about things we have lost. Be it previous relationships, old jobs, friends, childhood. People romanticize the past and what it was. I have done this. Actually, I have been more willing to explore relationships with unavailable men. Safer for me to not give my heart away. I gripped my love of Brian and that relationship and refused to be open to anyone else. In many ways, I am still in that holding pattern. That was my defense mechanism and way to keep myself safe.
I returned to Denver and faced some of the grief that had remained in my heart. I had to. I had pain between my shoulders that forced me to let go of the grief. Denver represented Brian, our future and how I lost that when he died.
It was home for me, too. A place I had grown to feel comfortable in my own skin, to bask, to discover strengths. I love it here. I have wonderful friends. A community, a support network, a life. I want to be here. And I want to move past what has been familiar to me. I'm ready.
For others, that means, sleeping all day, subduing themselves with whiskey or weed, and basically falling into a cycle of uncleanliness. I am being judgmental, I know. It just doesn't make sense to me to go this route especially after being told that they feel depressed, unmotivated, uninspired. So you continue to frequent your neighborhood bar to ease out of your depression?
Familiar to me, is the desire to travel and making it happen. In the last week, I have booked three trips that span the next three months. I am still considering foreign travel (always) and committing to work to ensure that this does, in fact, happen. I have made some loose arrangements to see friends in the prospective cities. I tend to overbook and overindulge with friends. It is my way. I try to squeeze as much into a three day venture as possible. I bring people together to do more and sometimes it works. Others, not so well. From experience I know friends that mix well together. I have learned to not force interactions amongst my friends. Leads to frustration and a one upping contest which I never particularly enjoy or hope to participate in. Leaves me cold actually.
There will be yoga in Santa Fe and Phoenix. Thrift store shopping in both of these places and the food factor overload in New Orleans. I am trying to figure out where I want to dine to celebrate my birthday. Too many options currently that I must narrow it down. Of course, I will dine with friends in Santa Fe and Phoenix. Silver coins, wine bars and friends. I cannot wait!
I return to sending notes to friends and waiting for responses. A few of my friends play along. I have a loyal childhood friend that always communicates with me in this manner. I am very thankful for Jennifer's friendship. We both ended up in New Mexico for a bit of time where we reestablished our friendship. I gifted her my excess wine glasses. That is one thing I never seem to lack in. I move often, purge my life of unwanted items and always have wine glasses. There are possibly twelve to eighteen that I currently have in my possession now. Maybe, one day, I will host a party where I use all of my glasses. I have done this in the past. I think it was 2007. Sara Jo and I hosted an epic house warming party. I thought it was epic. I walked around with a bottle of wine in my hand and greeted friends. My glass remained full.
I am ready to try new things and grow. I have been on this road for some time. I flirt with the idea of being my own boss. I do hope to Segway into this. Yoga helps me accomplish this to a certain degree. I want to teach more and plan on doing this with my friends. It is a priority to me.
My day off brings another Barre class. My latest obsession. Such a great work out and continues to motivate me. Slowly I am finding instructors that play appropriate music. I am not into the club vibe in spin or cycle classes. I really want hip hop. Old school hip hop is the best in my opinion. The girl who teaches today is a trainer and I know that I will feel the workout all day today. She is great.
Until later if I am inspired, I am off to enjoy my day off! Push past your own limitations and thrive!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Blessings of the day...being able to take a salt bath. The only thing missing was lavender essential oil which I will be purchasing in the next few days to ensure that I have it for the next bath. Likely to occur next week if not Saturday. I do love a nice bath. I have been thinking about it for over a week and then kept seeing reminders of how necessary an Epsom bath is on social media. Longing for it, haha, I finally made it happen. What peace it brought. I should bring wine with me next time and not rely on the WP's supply. Or lack of supply it seems. He is interested in whiskey, rye and bourbon it seems. None of which seemed appealing while taking a bath. Thankfully, I found some vermouth which seemed more medicinal and appropriate for the bath.
This morning I woke up a little disoriented as to what day in the week it is. Work is all consuming, abundant and exhausting. I have been drinking more water and trying to be eating on somewhat of a routine. Helps me stay hydrated and effective in this heat and the work environment. I have been taking spin and barre classes as well. Another attempt to stay healthy and hydrated. Otherwise, I see how people descend into a routine of work, drink, and sleep til about an hour before returning to work. I do not want to fall into that cycle. I am too aware of how easy it is to do.
I am practicing yoga with my friend, Brie, this morning. My second ever teaching opportunity to begin my yoga teaching practice. I want to Segway into more bodywork and less physically demanding work in the next few years. I feel it is time. I think of my journey and what inspired me to get certified--lame yoga in Santa Fe. Now, I would love to take a class in Santa Fe instead of struggling to find a class in Denver. I hope to fly to Phoenix in August to do some yoga. I miss it that much. The yoga scene/community is the best of what I have found. Challenging, upbeat and with hip hop (my favorite part of the experience). I do not need an intention to come to my mat as is the practice in Denver. Some weird, random and inappropriate (often) story to the importance of practicing yoga. I just want to start my work out, decompress and find peace in the hour. That is always my hope.
So being told some story actually puts me in a place of agitation since I think of how inappropriate it is and how frustrated I am. Or how I made a mistake and should have skipped this instructor's class. There is a teacher that has a challenging flow but that I don't like as a person. She is arrogant and preachy. Disingenuous and not authentic. I have tried to like her class, work past my own limitations with her as a person. I cannot. I get so wrapped up in my dislike of her that I struggle through the sequence. If she played better music, I think I might be able to drown out my thoughts by focusing on that. However, that is not a likely option. Lately, the last few times I have forced myself to endure her class, she has played the new agey yoga music which makes my ears bleed.
I digress. I am looking forward to practicing in my new space. I think I will rely on my training and the ashtanga sequence. Seems the most legitimate way to practice in an authentic manner. This is how I like to practice.
I keep hearing people mention Chicago or San Francisco. I think a trip to one of those grand cities will be occurring by the end of the year. I love exploring the food scene in each of these cities. Always exciting, welcoming and adventurous.
I have plans and dreams. Some goals, too. Maybe a little lofty but honest. I had wanted to go to Columbia this year. I think it is more likely to occur in 2017. I have a few friends who wish to accompany me--the Mini and my friend, Cody. Met her while working at whole foods and she has become a friend for life. Fierce, determined, funny. I do enjoy hiking with her.
I must begin my day. Mop before Brie comes over. Cheers!

Monday, June 27, 2016

Typical day. Wake up, scrape tongue, consider oil pulling (I have the coconut oil but it is liquefied currently), drink hot lemon water to promote hydration, make coffee, think about breakfast so that I can take my vitamins (need food to offset the nausea of the vitamin B) and repeat. Oh and spray face with witch hazel to help moisturize. My new daily routine. Seems tedious and yet somehow, I am managing to abide by it.
My optometrist expressed the importance of taking vitamins. Specifically vitamin C, D, B and fish oil. When I went for my latest check up he told me that I would soon be needing readers due to my age. That is the first thing to go. Something that I am not looking forward to. I have worn contacts since the age of 13 and glasses prior to that. I have always struggled with my eye sight. So although this is not new to me, the idea of having bifocals is terrifying. I am inhaling vitamin C to slow down the process.
I wake up moderately early and hope to extend my rest before heading to work. I am exhausted from yesterday and yet looking forward to my upcoming barre class. My latest obsession. I have chosen to do these as opposed to yoga. I will practice yoga in my home with friends. I think I have a plan on where to practice but the when is challenging. My membership enables drop in rates that are decent but the available instructor, often, is one that I do not like. She is arrogant and I cannot shake that feeling when I am taking her class. I have tried, multiple times, to like her but she isn't authentic and it shines through.
So I will practice at home. Seems reasonable and something I want to explore. I am certified and have put my teaching on hold. Distracted by living situations, work and travel. Oh and the car accident definitely distracted me. I am still dealing with that and the aftereffects. I have a new medical adjustor that seems kind and fair. My chiropractor informed me last week that he was relocating to Milwaukee. That was news to me and impulsive. I told him that it sounded like something I would do. Up and move to do it just to do it. He laughed when I mentioned that.
I figure I will seek out his replacement to get a second opinion before making any other move. I have a few massages left with Matt. Recently, I have been dehydrated which is showing through in my massages. My IT bands and meridians in my arms scream with pain when I am being adjusted. I think the barre classes are contributing to the IT band strain as well as my lack of ability to drink more water during the day. I need to change that as it is hot. I need to be hydrated for my health and livelihood.
I walked around the neighborhood the other night and found it pleasing. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being in the city. When I first returned to Phoenix, I lived with Jan and Tom in one of the western parts of the city. I was used to walking around Cap Hill in Denver and wanted to do this in Phoenix. The nearest market was two and a half miles away. Stubbornly, I walked to the store and hated every minute of it. It's freaking hot in Phoenix without shade. I walked to the store and was thankful when I arrived and despised the walk back to their home. I attempted this a few times before giving up. It was preferable to drive.
Now, I am in a situation where I am able to walk to most of my needs. Coffee, book shops, liquor (haven't found wine yet), a delicious breakfast burrito which is necessary in my world and a few markets. There is a brewery and multiple bars. I am fortunate!
Of course, at Maghan's apartment, I was a block away from an upscale market, wine shop, coffee and bars. Bars that I didn't frequent as they were places he spent time. I didn't want to impose myself on that part of his livelihood. Overtaking his personal space seemed enough, haha.
My nightly routine involved the witch hazel and some creams that Jasmin just gave me. She brought samples with her to Oregon. I, graciously, chose to take them off of her hands. I am still deciding how they are working for me. It is a work in progress.
Next week brings enchantment and I see a return to the Sunflower State in sight. I really want to visit Carol in the next two months. Maybe see the beauty, Emma, too. Til then I will continue with my routines. Maybe return to writing more.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Last year I was in Las Vegas at this time. Celebrating friendships and life. Wine was involved, some pool time and a Cirque show. Excellent trip really.

This year my friend, Shana (fellow yogi in Santa Fe) invited me to join her at Ojo. I would have loved to but didn't feel confident that I would be able to take the time off. It seems easier to acquire time off around my days off instead of changing it up. I want to have a consistent work week so I chose to skip this Ojo adventure knowing that I can head down in a few weeks to rejuvenate. I am stoked.

Maybe I will manage a trip to Vegas in the fall. I always love the food factor and it is a quick flight. Who knows? I have boundless opportunity to explore more of the states and I want to. I am inspired to do something new. Any suggestions?

Saturday, June 25, 2016

I have made some plans and am considering others. I feel I should try to visit Carol in Kansas at some point soon. It's been over ten years since I have last seen her and she has always been supportive of me. I met her when we moved to Kansas and my mom worked for her and her husband. Later my sister worked for her and finally, I did. I think I have known Carol since I was seven years old.
She is getting older as we all do. Six months ago she chose to move into an assisted living facility. She had been living on her own up until that point. Lunching with ladies, walking around her neighborhood and drinking wine. I love that part of it. It is good for her health and recommended by her doctor. Of course, I celebrate and support that on a daily basis myself.
I believe I will attempt a road trip soon to go and see her. Perhaps see the little beauty, Emma, too. I need to figure out how to make it happen and how much time I will need. I saw everyone in my family two weeks ago and so if I chose to not explore more of Kansas, I think they would understand.
I will be heading to Santa Fe in a few weeks to celebrate friends birthdays, soak at Ojo and drink silver coin margaritas. I need to arrange where I can stay during that time and believe I can visit Melody or Teo. I considered staying at a hotel but am more interested in creating experiences (translation drinking and dining) than having a posh place to stay. Although posh places to stay invite other things that I enjoy, haha.
It feels right to be in Denver and creating my own niche. Slowly, it seems, I am making progress. I had some lessons to learn and some stuff to let go of. Since I am now in my own space, I have made multiple trips to goodwill to release more of the things that have been with me at different addresses and cities. Seems silly that I wanted to have them with me especially as they were boxed, unopened, unused. Some of my artwork seems outdated, too. I think I am finally ready to purchase a van gogh. When I visited Amsterdam with Brian we stopped by the museum and I fell in love with some of his later pieces. Of course, I love starry night and sunflowers. But there are others, too, that are exquisite.
I bought some sheets for me and my friend who I was staying with. New sheets are always a nice gift, I believe. It is my attempt to express my gratitude for my host's graciousness/generosity. The least I can do, I feel.
I keep learning about what is important to me. And how to make it my reality. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to keep exploring. I will continue to do so.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Beautiful. I love this bench and where it is located. Matthew Winters Park in Denver. I love knowing how many times I have visited to reconnect, reflect, rejoice. I feel, at peace, there. I should visit more often as it is extremely relaxing for me.

I am reminded, daily, of Brian and how he chose to live his life. No regrets. Always generous with his friends, work, and me. Sometimes I get wrapped up in details and forget how wonderful my life is. I have the freedom to travel, to meet friends and dine in some incredible restaurants. I am fortunate to have many friends that support and encourage me. I want to continue on this path. I am thankful.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

I keep hearing about how it is a different time. Translation, we have forgotten how to be considerate, courteous or practice the art of etiquette. I was talking to this couple yesterday expressing my disappointment with a situation that I recently experienced. I explained how I had received a text as a thank you and felt that it was insufficient and inconsiderate.
The lady looks at me and says that her daughter-in law never sent thank you cards after their wedding. Not one person received a thank you and I was shocked. 200 guests and not one thank you. She continued with having three sons and how she tried to inspire them to be courteous after their high school graduations. She even went as far as to addressing all of the thank you cards from their graduations. Hopeful that the boys would take the hint and fill out the cards. She said, she was unwilling to write the cards themselves. And, in my mind, I thought, but they are boys,...hmm, why is that okay? Something else to consider at a later time. I do have male friends that have written me thank you cards, notes, letters so men can and do know how to be courteous.
Her last thought was that she and her husband chose to overlook the lack of etiquette as it is a different time. She doesn't want to upset the balance by pointing out how her daughter-in law is basically terrible at courtesy. They skype or text on a weekly basis and that has become enough. I am on the fence with it. I don't think a text is enough. I take the time to put together something thoughtful and write a card to express the why and I receive a text days later. It's rude.
The best part of the conversation was where she said, I don't think my grandkids will be able to read cursive since they have ipads in their classrooms now. They no longer are taught how to write cursive in school. My response, yea, this person might not have been able to read my handwriting. I am notorious for my handwriting and yet, I still enjoy sending notes, cards, letters. Just yesterday, I took the time to send six cards to people I wanted to thank for their kindness, graciousness and/or generosity. I love receiving cards, too.
I know it is a different time. I see how things change and I have changed, too. I stalk people of social media. I contribute photos, thoughts, etc on a few of the sites. I communicate, daily, via text and rarely leave messages on phones anymore. I know multiple people who do not know how to access their voice mail account. We are reliant on text, sure. However, this does not take substitute the essence of courtesy, etiquette or class.
My last thought is that yes, things have changed. I do not have to sacrifice my values on this to coexist in the reality. I will continue to write cards and make time to do this. I just cannot be so rigid, perhaps, on how others practice kindness.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Small world continued to present itself yesterday. I met Tiffany for lunch in the Uptown area of Denver. I chose the place for the happy hour wine and knowing this restaurant as it is based out of Phoenix. I had been hesitant to check it out since my expectations were low of what they would offer. They do have a great happy hour, daily, with wonderful wine specials. The food is not that dynamic nor has it changed since they opened in the early 2000's as we found yesterday.
Still, we had a few glasses of wine and I asked the bartender how long she had worked there. Since they opened she said. I told her I had lived in Phoenix and knew some of their loyal staff and as we were talking this guy approaches and says--aren't you Harmony?
I knew this guy from being in Phoenix. He had been a valet and parked Veronica numerous times. Such a small world! He took care of our appetizer which was super kind. Dan will be heading back to Phoenix next month to return to life there.
After our appetizer we chose to seek out margaritas. Last time we day drank, we spent the majority of the day at this spot. Yesterday, I wasn't really feeling it. Too loud and the drinks were meh. We considered our options and headed to another spot where we know the bartender. I drove over and parked only to find that this place has closed for remodeling. Crap!
We were out of options. Did I really want to drive back downtown in rush hour traffic? What was east of us? I turned into the Whittier neighborhood and saw a random bar. People were sitting outside and so we thought--let's check it out. We walked into the bar and it was inviting. The wine selection was lame and as we chose a cocktail one of the bartenders emerged. I knew this guy from a few other restaurants. And he had worked at the airport last I knew. He remembered me and so our first round was taken care of. Excellent!
Earlier in the day, I heard a song that took me back to 4th of July celebrations in Iowa and summers with my cousins. I think I started the day on a nostalgic realm and wanted to be reminded of my connections. Today I return to work. I will hopefully sleep, easily tonight, as I open tomorrow morning. I have some anxiety about waking up and getting their on time. This will be my first opening shift and it does scare me. I am bartending which will be awesome but the opening shift is early. Should be interesting.
My trip to Oregon was too quick. Went by too fast and there was not nearly enough time to spend time with my sisters or my parents. Too many distractions and options really. There will have to ben another trip this year, I think. Perhaps they could visit me that would be a novel idea, haha.
I must start my day and see where it takes me. Cheers!

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Reunited with friends from college. Awesome. Jean was awesome and drove down from Seattle to pick me up from Portland and drive me to Eugene. It was a whirlwind of activity. So many people in town to celebrate Mackenzie's graduation. I was fortunate to see her for her open house.

I remember being that age and wanting to be free. My mom hosted my party and some of my friends stopped by along with family. At the end of it, I flitted from party to party to see friends and dreamed of when the summer would end and I could move to college. Such a glorious time.

I get it, I do. I only wish I had been able to carve out a little more time with Mackenzie before heading back to Denver. I suppose there is always next time. Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day traveling back to Denver and experiencing delay after delay til I arrive in Denver and the light rail is not working. So frustrating! I waited with Maghan til he got off work as he had had my car. Had I known that he would arrange an uber from park and ride I would have left an hour before we left. Yet another irritation that I would have liked to avoid.

I am back and heading to work in a few hours. Back to thrive, create a niche and be happy. I will reflect more on my trip to Oregon when I have time. It was amazing to see all of my sisters, parents and friends.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

New place. Adjustment to the new surroundings and recognizing what I have carried around with me for the last ten years. I think of how I carted my stuff from Denver to Phoenix in my car and then convinced an ex to pick up the remainder of my belongings when he traveled through. How had I thought more on it, I could have parted ways with the majority of it before bringing it to Phoenix, Santa Fe and eventually, back to Denver. I am finding things I have kept packed and now upon unpacking I wonder why I have kept it.
I have a good will section set up. Then, there is some trash that occurs and my clothes remain at the warrior prince's for the time being. I have been working, a lot, and my time off is limited. As much as I want to retrieve my clothing I also want to sleep, drink wine and relax. I know that I will be heading over in the next few days to get my clothes. I have a trip to Oregon this weekend. I am super excited to fly and see my sisters. Actually, my entire family will be in Oregon spending time in to celebrate my niece's high school graduation. Should be a joyous occasion.
And, I fly into Portland and have the opportunity to meet up with a fellow traveler from Denver. Jaime and her hubby met me in Argentina in 2008. Or at least we tried to meet in 2008. We missed each other by an hour. Fun story for sure. I think I will have time to meet up with her for a beer before my college friend, Jean, picks me up to drive us down to Eugene. I am excited to see her, my sisters and family. The last time we were all together was in 2012 for Michaela's wedding. Should be entertaining to say the least.
I love my new space. It cools off at night and although there are new sounds and and people, it suits me. I am learning to enjoy it and stop hearing the street. It is more lively here than at Sara's or Maghan's house. When I return from Oregon, I will make the time to discover all of the nooks and crannies of it. The nearest coffee shop. Grocery store. Where I can buy wine. Are there pastries around? All of the things that make neighborhoods unique. I should start running again. Once my schedule works itself out, I will. I managed to arrange a run with Lindsay a few weeks ago and I live close enough to Sara where I could run over to meet with her and tour her neighborhood. Focus on health and everything else will fall into place.
This weekend will be wonderful and much needed. It has been four years since I have seen my sisters. Although I keep visiting them. They owe me a few trips to where I am at to even things out.