I slept on it, and it still hurts like hell – actually it hurts more now, probably because at least I had all of that stuff in my system yesterday night. I may have a cracked sternum, and I don’t know what the hell is up with my hip but it’s not pleasant.

I’m also cold, and I’m not sure what to think of that. It’s not really cold right now (though for once it’s also not scalding hot) but I’m having pretty uncontrollable shivers. Could that be a side-effect of something ?

I’d like to go to a hospital but that’s probably not such a good idea. It is a fast track to getting my own ass arrested or at the very least filed, and I can’t afford to make myself visible in this town if I wanna keep having access to the stuff I need to sleep. I’m gonna see what I can do with the doctors I know and trust, because it definitely hurts enough to worry me.

This is why I don’t go out anymore though. I mean I was trying to come out of my cave, but I might as well just stay put. It’s not the first time something this stupid happens, but it’s definitely the fucking last. I’ve always gotten along much more easily with women, and it’s always made men suspicious, and they’ve always then proceeded to show me exactly why it is I get along with women but not men. I’m done ever stepping outside again, fuck having a social life, it’s just not worth all the bullshit. They can have all the insecurity crises they want, but far away from me, fucking please. I’m tired of getting my ass beaten by “friends” who drink all my beer, smoke all my hash and take out their own feelings of inadequacy on me.

I’m also cold, and I’m not sure what to think of that. It’s not really cold right now (though for one it’s also not scalding hot) but I’m having pretty uncontrollable shivers. Could that be a side-effect of something

That’s a pretty common side effect of any sort of full-body trauma. I feel the same way after being hit by a car. So long as it doesn’t persist more than a few hours, I wouldn’t worry. Hot beverages may help.

I’ve always gotten along much more easily with women, and it’s always made men suspicious, and they’ve always then proceeded to show me exactly why it is I get along with women but not men.

It never turned as bad as what you’ve just had done to you, but same. Dudes react differently now, but, yanno.

<3 my ducks. You don't deserve any of that, John or Dalillama. No one does. Don't feel bad about not sharing, or deciding to not go out and socialize again. If you feel the urge to again, maybe try to avoid socializing in places where beer and hash is even a question? Like, go do some yoga or something. I hope you can stock up soon :s

@Fabe, yeah, orange is NDP. They're likely to have the biggest chance of keeping out the conservatives.

Same here, I’ve always felt more comfortable around women and have never really felt comfortable at all around guys (even when I was trying to pretend to be one). And when you look (or are) male and get along more easily with women, holy fuck does that just bring out the massive insecurity issues and macho bullshit.

John I’m really sorry to hear about that! I hope you feel better. Echoing what everyone said, you aren’t a bad person or a bad feminist. You seem like a really good guy, dealing with some shitty situations.

Good for trying to go out and have some social time, I’m sorry the person who SHOULD have been a friend is an utter ass.

Oh, yes, the cold. That’s normal, John. That’s a normal shock response, it’s purely a biological thing. Your body’s got all those stress hormones running through it, and it’s going to make you jittery. That’s going to make your brain think “I’m cold”, even if you actually aren’t cold. So your brain is just playing tricks on you!

Happens to everyone, nothing to worry about. Rest and get well as best you can!

@John, that is absolutely horrible what happened to you. I hope you know that you did not deserve that at all and you are not a bad feminist at all. From my vantage point you are a good man. I hope you are okay and please do go see a doc you trust. We don’t want anything worse to happen to you. Hugs and buckets of kittens and soft fuzzy thing if you need them.

(So apparently my comment showed up and then disappeared ? Oh well, here it is again.)

You guise :’D

I was super bitter until this afternoon when it started to sink in (the good kind of sinking in). That never would’ve happened without all the kind messages, thank you all.

I’m not gonna deny my instinct to share just because it got me in a shitty situation yet again. Sure, people take advantage of it, but fuck ’em. Just because some asshole had a lot of drinks and smokes on me doesn’t mean everyone else who has is also an asshole. “First rule of bartending is to kick out the assholes so that all the decent folks can enjoy their time in peace” – that’s not something I should forget so easily but I almost did. (there’s a second rule but it’s forbidden to speak it)

I’m also not gonna go back straight into hermit mode for another year like I always do. That crap has robbed me of too many years already and I’m not gonna live forever. Getting broken bones (and heart) from “friends” is usually what causes it, but it doesn’t have to be like this. Or at least I have better things to do than reenact that violence some more while turning it inward.

Good news is, I managed to scrounge a little bit of The Stuff out of my desk drawer and I reckon it hasn’t even been sitting there for more than a week. I gots me some beer, and tonight I’ma hog it aaaaall to myself !

Re : cold, that has to be it, yeah. In the middle of the afternoon I was also hit by a massive wave of THE TIREDS, probably for the same reason. I’m hoping to ride that until bedtime – I didn’t find a lot of the stuff but it should be enough to put me to sleep if I’m tired enough. Fingers crossed though, won’t be any extras tonight even if I need one.

@Scildfreja

If you feel the urge to again, maybe try to avoid socializing in places where beer and hash is even a question?

Wait, there are other kinds of places ?

More seriously, I would, but… well, I’d stick out like a sore thumb pretty much anywhere else. I kinda need the beer and hash right now, because of social anxiety, and there aren’t a lot of places where these are considered acceptable. Actually, there aren’t a lot of places where I am considered acceptable. I kind of only belong among reprobates of my ilk. And that’s not such a bad thing ! I just need to find a way to avoid the toxic elements – they’re the problem, as always, as with everywhere else. The setting itself doesn’t matter that much.

@Dali

I mostly don’t hang with dudes anymore.

Same – I guess I need to stop being liberal with my exceptions.

Well, right now I don’t hang with anyone anymore though. Oh hey, that’s what I was just trying to fix ! Oh, wait…

@Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Glad to hear you’re doing better buddy. Your courage to continue being you no matter what is exemplary. Also what up no irl matey
d(￣∇￣)b.

EDIT: To Hell With It
Remember a few pages ago where I was happy to be employed after a year of joblessness? Well I just got done contacting the police and my bank. The “job” was a scam to embezzle money using me as the middleman. Fuck you Snagajob.com, just fuck you. Well at least I managed to stop them before any money changed hands. Thank goodness for being an Asian Male, no one considers asian people as suspicious characters these days. I think it also helped that I was probably the only Asian person in the entire Police Department Building.

My only hire in a year after dozens of applications and calls, and it was not even real, just a scam to sucker desperate fools like me. I’m a goddamn gullible moron. So much for my Asian Intellect.

No you’re not. The problem with con artists is they can be very plausible and convincing. And they rely on the decent nature of others. Trust me, I’ve represented plenty; and they’re just the ones who get caught. There’s no protection against them unfortunately unless you become so cynical and distrustful you can’t function as a person in society.

You don’t need to beat yourself up about this. There but for the grace of Bod go any of us.

@Dalillama, good for you! I hope you have a nice clean kitchen and lots of success there.

@Ooglyboggles, gosh, you aren’t gullible at all. You realized what was going on before they got any money after all! And you reported them! Frankly, best possible outcome there. You just did some public service! You deserve to treat yourself for that if you’re able. I know you’ll find work soon, though. Keep trying!

@John, I get it! I’m glad you’re going to go out there and keep a foot in the world. Don’t be afraid to take some time away from it when you need it though, okay?

I’m also not gonna go back straight into hermit mode for another year like I always do

Right on, fam!

@Oogly

Remember a few pages ago where I was happy to be employed after a year of joblessness? Well I just got done contacting the police and my bank. The “job” was a scam to embezzle money using me as the middleman

The fuck? Like, what the actual fuck? Furreal, what the… Fuck everything!

My only hire in a year after dozens of applications and calls, and it was not even real, just a scam to sucker desperate fools like me

Desperate? Of course, who wouldn’t be? Fool? Bullshit! Not the Oogly I know. Nor the one who put a stop to this fuckery. I swear, if you actually end up bringing down a criminal fraud ring…
So kewl!!1!!

Oogly, John has it exactly right: you are the person who stopped them. I am so sorry these bastards got your hopes up, but it sure as hell doesn’t make you gullible; it just makes them scum. And you did a major good thing in stopping and reporting them.
I hate people who prey on our needs like that.

@Oogly
To add to what everyone has said re: social engineers, they’re damn good at what they do. There was a guy who figured out how to spoof phone numbers back in the days of land lines, and he fooled a number of police officers. Police officers are trained and looking for criminal behavior. This is not your fault.

Thank you all for the pick me up. When I contacted my mom about this, she felt bad because the first job I got from Snagajob.com was a scam, and she was the one who offered that site to me. My other aunts were concerned but glad that I did my best in solving the problem, even when I was irritable, depressed and just tired.

@Alan Robertshaw
I’ll trust you and your professional experience with these sorts. That is true, if I become someone who is so cynical and distrustful that I can’t work in society, then all is already lost.

@Myriad
I’m just going to stop job hunting for a while. I’m a bit beleaguered from getting tossed up and down the Valley of Hope and Despair.

@kupo
Thank you for telling me it’s not my fault, I have difficulty telling myself that.

@Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Well if you put it that way, I guess I am the one who stopped them. It’s just dammit… I’m usually the one who can spot this stuff a thousand miles away. I’d rather be the fool who stops bad people than be the one who gets stopped by bad people, that’s for sure.

@Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer
The worst part is that I’m usually very good at spotting these sorts of things, I guess they found an exploit in my system.

Congratulations on the Full Time Job and raise Dalil! Best of luck on that speedy cooking!

@Scildfreja Unnyðnes
Thank you Scild, you always seem to know all the right words to show. I’m gonna stop trying to find work for a while. I’m glad at least I did the best I could given the situation.

@Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
You certainly know how to cheer a person up Axe. Yeah honestly fuck everything, this is the shit I get for putting up with tons of people giving me the cold shoulder? That’s just wrong. I’m glad you hold me in high opinion friend : )

Eh if I somehow can aid in taking down a fraud ring it’d make up for almost being a complete victim of their schemes. My name literally translates to “hero” might as well try to live up to that title.

@opposablethumbs
Thank you for telling me that I did the right thing. I am aware that people can be terrible, I didn’t realize I had a blind spot when it comes to finding employment.

@eli
Pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.

I’m trying to cheer myself up with Cardcaptor Sakura. I’ll also try to see if my favorite anime Kemono Friends could give me the sugoi and tanoshiis I desperately need.

Seriously this show just gives me the happy feeling more than anything else.

I’ll also try to use XCOM 2 to help cheer me up. I can relate to the Commander’s plight more “oh you got exploited for trying to do the right thing and want to make things right, I feel you there Commander.” Watch out Ethereals who are basically the equivalent of all those countries that decide to exploit conquered nations but also “make things better by improving living standards”, my team of ethnically, sexually, and mentally diverse people of all stripes aren’t scared of you. There’s also going to be an expansion later where alot of content is going to be included, including three Elite Chosen who basically say “hai crown jewel Commander, the Elders want their property back, time to go back in the tank so we can use your tactical prowess to crush any and all resistance groups.”

It’s not like we all act with perfect information, y’know? We all make the best call we can based on what we know at that point. When you thought the job was legit, you hustled hard for it. As soon as you learn otherwise, you noped out of there and notified the authorities. You put your own interests aside and acted like a goddamn badass.

Aaaaaah this made my heart jump up and down – which I’m sure is a good thing but only when you don’t have a cracked sternum, fuckin’ hell. Or maybe it’s because I laughed.

I remember watching an interview of a YPJ member who was cleaning her gun while gleefully explaining that those assholes believe they lose any and all claim to martyrdom if it’s a woman kills them.

And now you’re telling me about a whole queer unit ? Bwahahah ! Watch out, doods, if a queer person kills ya, your immortal soul will be forever trapped in a gay reincarnation cycle. Gayincarnation. Where you always reincarnate into something gay. Not *someone* gay, mind ya, because no one actually wants you fuckers anywhere near. Alternatively, you might end up in Gay Hell. The name is misleading : it’s only hell for homophobes.

This is the most awesome news I’ve heard in a long while.

@Oogly

Well hey, heroes is what the world needs right now. I dunno about the “deserve” part and I don’t care, what I do know is that I’m glad you’re one of those who are filling those shoes.

I learned a lovely new-to-me word of French today – chronophage used in the ordinary sense of “time-consuming”.
(I had only ever come across it before in the name of the wonderful Corpus Christi College clock in Cambridge (the chronophage aka the time-devourer) (there are gifs of it, but I’m too cack-handed to link to any) (sorry 🙁 )

I’d just like to add another couple of hugs-and-respects to Oogly and to John.

Nearing 30 hours without a smoke and my good will from the other night has sorta waned. I mean, it’s still here, but it’s not keeping my head up anymore.

The pain hasn’t let up yet, let alone the heartache. Actually it’s getting worse as my body purges the last of the drugs. The creeping and crippling loneliness from before is coming back in full force and as a bonus I am reminded of all those *other* times I got my ass handed to me by someone I called my friend. Those other times actually hurt much more even to this day, because the people involved mattered much more to me, and because it’s the reason I’ve been holed up at home ever since.

I’m seriously starting to wonder if I’m ever gonna get a real chance at a social life again. Nights like this it honestly feels like some invisible force has decided to make me fail at everything I ever attempt in order to punish me for something or whatever. I know it’s not true, but knowing that is definitely not half the battle. I mean it doesn’t change much to the fact that everything still goes to shit regardless, I just don’t have a god to blame. Besides I know it’s something wrong with me, I just don’t know what.

The no-restock period has also been officially extended to three weeks, during which there won’t be any rest for me. I mean I’ll be able to sleep when I’ve spent enough time awake, but the drugs also kept me from dreaming, and the dreams I have are of the sort that makes me wish I had more nightmares instead (it’s because you always wake up).

And then there’s the boredom. It’s always been my mortal enemy but these days it’s getting a lot worse. Used to be I would just play some video games and be done with it, but I honestly don’t know what to play anymore. Obviously smoking helped a lot on that front as well.

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