Just in case you weren’t aware that reproductive rights and bodily autonomy for women hinges on a male and what he does or doesn’t do with his penis, here’s Texas Republican Congressman Michael Burgess — a former OB/GYN, no less — citing masturbating fetuses as a reason to outlaw virtually all abortions after 20 weeks.

“Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful,” said Burgess, a former OB/GYN. “They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?”

Just when you thought you’ve heard it all, some dude bro starts talking about male fetuses jerking off, and then your brain starts to cry.

I don’t remember whether I did, or did not, masturbate while in my mother’s womb. But I think not. Had I known about choking the chicken as early as that, I wouldn’t have waited as (relatively) long* as I did to start doing it out of the womb.

Doesn’t matter. Obama is history’s greatest monster for betraying progressives, an democrats his willing accomplices in that betrayal, so they must be electorally punished to reach them a lesson. President in Waiting Saint Doctor Jill Kucinich Stein is ready to answer the call!

The “clitoris” is a mysterious organ; unmentioned by the only source of human knowledge, the Holy Bible, it is widely believed by reputable Biblical scholars not to exist. Biblical scientists are of the opinion that the mythical “clitoris” is nothing more that an invention of the liberal media, made up in order to draw women and weak-willed men into the Satanic embrace of women’s rights and communism.

Only males, of course. ‘Cause, y’know, Eve, that whore, is the one who brought sex and sin upon humanity, and so female masturbation, like all forms of female pleasure and sexual activity, is to be prevented at all costs (except when for the explicit purposes of the male), and failing that, punished severely.

What happens if there’s fraternal twins in the womb and the boy and girl….uh….touch….each other? Can they be arrested for sexual battery upon birth? Can a OB/GYN slap cuffs on them while still in utero?

@gene108: You (the royal MALE you) are not infected with Original Sin (R) until you leave the womb. Original Sin renders you unable to holy masturbate until you can learn some approximation of it as a teen. The whole reason Eve gave Adam the apple was because he was sitting around all day holy masturbating. She needed some too.

Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

The little spycams installed to surveil any miscarriages by the naughty naughtly slut incubators can be made two-way and provide pay-for-view porn for the xy-occupants. A proof that business-government cooperation can drive down crime and costs at the same time!

This is just clever base-pandering by this Texas moran. He knows most of the people who voted for him spend all night fapping to skinemax, internet freebies, etc (suitable females being unavailable of course, and too damned scary anyway). Making fetus ‘Merikans into fellow fapping aficionados puts them all in the same tribe, ergo more members of the Dittohood who must be defended at all costs. Freedum!

I am confused. In the GOP mind wouldn’t a masturbating fetus be something you actually want to abort? Among the hard right Christians I used to know a fetus that was seen touching its privates could have only been the Anti-Christ, because the idea of one of God’s innocent lambs doing something so unclean would have been simply inconceivable. The GOP is getting soft.

OK, lets try this one on for size. The forced birth crowd wants to have a fetus declared a person from the moment of conception with all the legal rights, and presumably responsibilities, of a born person. Now this wanking male fetus is sharing space with his fetus twin sister, so if he forces himself on her is that fetal rape? Will he be charged with a crime and sent to infant prison once he is born? The number of new crimes is breathtaking. Of course the private prison industry will be more than happy to meet the demand for these new kiddie jails. (sigh)

I’m old enough to remember a time in this nation when people such as Michael Burgess were ignored, laughed at, ostracized, marginalized, shamed, and quite often shut away and/or medicated — not quoted in the press and sure as hell not elected to fucking Congress. What the fucking hell is the matter with this nation that people like this are put in positions of power, and, once there, not hounded back into obscurity when they behave like this?

Now this wanking male fetus is sharing space with his fetus twin sister, so if he forces himself on her is that fetal rape? Will he be charged with a crime and sent to infant prison once he is born? The number of new crimes is breathtaking.

One of the things implicit in fetal masturbation is the underlying assumption that fetuses and thus infants have some sort of cognition about their actions, which sort of goes in the face of what we’ve come to understand about infants based on the whole of human history.

@Yatsuno: Michael Burgess’ head has the basic shape and density down — plus the essential spaceyness (with luck the heading for a fall-iness too, were it not for the TX part). Not enough tonnage, alas!

keep laughing libs…but now i think it is clear where the ghey comes from! little boys too busy touching themselves in the womb to understand just how close they are to the vagina. If only they had functional nervous systems at this point in time to feel pleasure and to make decisions about what to do in the “waiting room” for birth. I am assuming fox news is not on in the uterus

[…] fetus is capable of masturbation at that point? Yeah…hand me my Amazon gear and put up walls. I despair, I tell you, I despair. (Tho’ the hilarious snarky comments at that post almost make me dare […]

@Villago Delenda Est: Do any of her students ever comment on her posts? Or are all her commenters still single, middle-aged, white, male wingers who rarely leave the house? I mean, since you’re already looking anyway…

@nastybrutishntall: You, sir or ma’am, have clearly never cracked the Bible. There will be no stoning of fetuses. God will smite the offending creature, at which point its vessel will miscarry. The correct course of action, now being discussed in the more ambitious winger circles, is for her state to require that all miscarriages be reported so these women can be investigated for possible abortion activities.

Great comments, but I guess no one really wants to address the issue the guy raises: whether a fetus at some point in gestation feels pleasure or pain. If a fetus could feel pain at some point, would that be relevant at all to the abortion debate?

I dunno. Might be counterproductive for the Republicans. Wouldn’t your sensitive type mother-to-be tend be more inclined to terminate a pregnancy if she knew the little dickens was waxing the dolphin in there already…

If a fetus could feel pain at some point, would that be relevant at all to the abortion debate?

It could be, but not necessarily in the way you think. If it turned out that fetuses with anencephaly or neural tube defects were in enormous pain because their defect meant that their nerve endings were constantly exposed, would you support aborting those pregnancies rather than forcing those fetuses to be in pain for the full nine months of gestation?

Seems to me that if a fetus feels pain, we should consider that. Surely a fetus does feel pain at some point in gestation.

So you agree that if a fetus with no chance of surviving outside of the womb is also show to be in pain while still in the womb, it’s more humane to abort that fetus than force the pregnancy to continue to term?

Clearly, if a fetus or human should ever feel pain at any point in its theoretical existence, the self-evident pleasure of two cells rubbing together during gestation is clear evidence of personhood that trumps all consideration of the mere slut incubators interests and rights.

@Villago Delenda Est: Just kind of thinking out loud, I would not want anyone to feel pain unless absolutely necessary, but what do I know? Maybe a fetus does not feel anything at any stage of gestation.

The forced birth crowd seems to lose all interest in this new life once it leaves the womb. To the point of defunding Planned Parenthood’s efforts at prenatal care for expectant mothers who have no interest in ending their pregnancy except by giving birth to a healthy child.

However it seems logical that a fetus feels pain at some point in gestation, even if late in the term.

Why is that logical? One of the last things to fully develop is the central nervous system. Breathing response is fully suppressed until birth (at any gestational age). And preemies don’t appear to feel pain until about 35 weeks. My daughter was born at 32 weeks and didn’t respond at all to IVs and the like when she was in the NICU. The nurses explained to us that it was normal for preemies that early.

‘GAY fetal incest’! Punk band name extraordinaire! And since when are Repugs interested in ‘pleasure’? (Except in the privacy of their dens, downloading the Prorn). Funny how Utah so closely resembles Pakistan: http://www.news.com.au/technol.....5891491204

@riptyde: I’ve always wondered how Christians reconcile the idea of miscarriages with the idea that God wants all feti born. This clears it up – a miscarriage must be God striking down the masturbators in utero.

[…] fetus is capable of masturbation at that point? Yeah…hand me my Amazon gear and put up walls. I despair, I tell you, I despair. (Tho’ the hilarious snarky comments at that post almost make me dare […]