No Frills No Thrills Worst of Film 2006

Picking the worst in film for 2006 was no easy task. This past year has proved to be filled with utter crap on the big screen! No energy or effort, nothing original or challenging and if it did challenge then it was so far fetched that it made absolutely no sense what so ever or it was completely out of taste. It’s been a pretty unfulfilling year for me at the Cineplex. How about you, was there anything that you found to be worse than what we’ve already picked?

Colin Farrell and Salma Hayek have absolutely no chemistry at all. Two of the sexiest people in Hollywood on screen together and Ask the Dust sucked, actually it was really dry and had that feeling that it was never going to end. Robert Towne adapted John Fante’s novel about the depression era, what a perfect name for a dried up piece of jerky.

Wayans brothers you are no longer funny! This film should prove to be the end of the road for them. Think about it, super imposing Shawn Wayans head on a itty bitty body or rather don’t think about it, you might have nightmares I know I still have a hard time sleeping. Don’t even bother yourself, if this film is given to you burn it or if you run across it on cable, throw your remote at your TV.

If Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie had a love child, it would be the evil little bitch in Silent Hill. This is one creepy weird film and don’t even try to make sense of it. A mom decides to take her adopted child back to her evil wicked home town after multiple nightmares and a few close calls with heights, where she gets kidnapped by a witch hating cult who tries to burn her at the stake (good idea mom). Lots of cheap and totally Playstation-1 looking CGI, blood and really weird moments that don’t add up to much of anything; what a brain dead blood fest.

Wonderful, how exciting another weird ass movie with mind jacking moments and the star being Denzel Washington. No, if you couldn’t tell, I’m not much of a fan of old Denzel, his acting abilities are identical in every role he is cast and Déjà Vu is, but another. Yes, it is directed by Tony Scott and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, but seriously, aren’t most of their films mediocre at best?

No, not another, listen The Santa Clause 1 was cute and funny, but 2 sucked on every level, 3 is even worse. Tim’s got to be running out of steam and Martin Short has to be completely desperate for a part in a film, think about it, how long has it been since we have seen either one of them in a movie? Okay, you got me; there was the Shaggy Dog. It’s time for Santa to die.

Third time isn’t always a charm! Final Destination 3 is close to if not the same as 1 and 2, more dead teenagers, more campy and more bad actors. Death is an unseen force that wants his/her prey, and if cheated, will do anything to get the body count. Death by tanning bed, training bench, an engine and a nail gun (wow, how original).

They’re back, the vampire and the werewolf hybrid, and this time they are in love. Underworld Evolution tries a little too hard to make a short romance in a horror film and loses sight of the original ideas behind Underworld, it gets confusing. It’s great that the producers of the film got past actors to return (let us not forget one of them is married to the director), but the story is pretty far fetched. Then again, we are talking about the mysterious world of vampires and werewolves, of course it’s going to be out there, but who suspected a complete loss and total confusion for what should have been a fun and simple horror flick. The directors got off track with the CGI and costuming, originally they were so proud at costuming the first film, just like An American Werewolf in London, but in part two they depended on some pretty crappy CGI and some of the costumes don’t match up. I have to add this note, WTF are they doing having the mixed breed and the vampire screwing? He was having sex with her belly button, that little love season was so convincing. What’s next to come, a pregnant vampire?

I’m sure you are asking yourself, “What is this raving critic going on about, worse film my ass?” Let me explain, I could easily list the many things gone wrong here. Character backgrounds and purpose to the storyline is completely left out; most of the time you will be at a total loss for why, who or when a character came about, and they come and go so quickly. Somebody should have fired the hairdresser right out of the gates, Wolverine’s hair was flat and messy and Jean’s was just plain bad. Focusing on Storm and her powers and leaving out all the rest, come on Halle give us a break, it’s not called X-Men: All About Storm. Wolverine started out light hearted, then turned into love crazed and ended up psycho killer with a touch of Van Helsing, dicing up Magneto’s teenage post-neo-goth army, must have been one hell of a workout for him. There are times where characters completely disappear for segments of the film or for good, but nobody’s worried about where they went or if they are ever coming back. X3 is full of technical, character and casting errors and blunders, I could literally go on and on, but I’ll save you the painful read.

Here are just a few words for the viewer impaired by such crap…heartless, emotionless, untalented, graphic, slow, worthless, hack of a film. I think that pretty well sums it up. Don Johnson should have been given a chance to try out for the role.