Monday, August 5, 2013

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #391

WINNERS

FIRST
PLACE

"Dear,
I told you the "naked, mid-level executive climbing through the
open window to fuck the young damsel and her dog" fantasy has
gotten a little stale."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Fer Christ sake: The dog? Can we at least assume it's a
bitch? And maybe it's only getting stale for her. This wins because
it does not have a pun.)

"Another
tough day at the orifice, Honey?"--Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Too horrible to ignore. There were 10 puns entered in the
hope of winning this contest. No pun in ten did.)

SECOND
PLACE

"Don't
be a pane in the ass."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Always a concern, maybe she should insist he use some lube. Reminded me: When I was blocking someone's
view in grade school a teacher asked: “Is your father a glass maker?”
I responded” “No, but he can be a real pain.” I was like 8 at
the time. And thus it all began.)

THIRD
PLACE

"Does
Huma know you're out?" --Jim Cavanaugh
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: I understand the National
Association for the Advancement of Cock Puns [NAACP], has named
Anthony Weiner its member of the year. He also gets top honors from
the American Social Society Helping Out Lecherous Elected Sleazebags
[ASSHOLES]. And please note: I worked on this comment a lot longer
than the others, so stop with the groaning.)

HONORABLE
MENTIONS

"Watch
your nuts."--Satireguy(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: So close, but Satireguy screwed up! The slam dunk winner
woulda, coulda and shoulda been: “I can see your nuts!” When
we had a naked courtroom witness seated in a jacuzzi that's what the
lawyer said. An instant classic! )

"Fetch
the balls, Fifi."--Anonymous(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: If it's a boy dog, he can lick his own. Besides it's a firm
rule of cartooning that only French poodles can be named “Fifi.”)

"The
prowlers here are obscene."--LR (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Petty good use of a classic, I'll give you another: “Come
on in Fred. Everyone knows you're about to get the strap-on.”)

"Down,
Max! Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to
stand naked."--Kathy H (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: They cheered when Bob sang this in the early '70's because
Nixon was president. Now, not so much.)

You
got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend.--Angus Podgorny
(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This positively
works if they live on 4th
Street. Also we assume “nerve” is reference to his manhood and
that it's standing at attention because the window is not the only
thing he's about to enter.)

"Homeward
Bound" performed by Bob Dylan in concert during 1991 leg of the
"Never-Ending
Tour." http://www.bobdylanroots.com/homeward.html--Obligatory
Dylan(rebuttal edition)(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: I'm gonna need the exact date, venue and set list [notarized
of course], before I admit to an error. Also, as long as I have you,
why didn't O.D. or anyone else evoke the Dylan song “Please Crawl
Out Your Window”?)

"I
knew when I moved back to Staten Island I was asking for
trouble."--Giovanni da Verrazzano (sometimes spelled
"Verrazano") (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: The famed explorer for whom that magnificent bridge is named
is why it is often called the “Guinea Gang-plank.” If Giovanni
had been Irish it might have been called “The Mick Stick,” if he
was Chinese, it'd be the “Chink Link,” if he had been Polish, he
would have gotten lost at sea.)

....not
so fast, Cavanaugh. fusilier |ˌfyoōzəˈli(ə)r| (also
fusileer) noun (usu. Fusiliers) a member of any of several
British regiments formerly armed with fusils : the Royal Scots
Fusiliers. • historical a soldier armed with a fusil.--Anonymous(JUDGE'S COMMENT: This completely
validates me and proves Cavanaugh is dead wrong. No surprise there.
Sure, there was some back-and forth after Anon set the record
straight, but I have learned that when you strike oil, stop
drilling.)

Are
you coming or going? Either way, make sure it lands outside.--Levon
Delight(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Tacky riddle I heard in jr. high: Why is cum white and piss
yellow? So you know whether you're coming or going. This made me
think of that. Unfortunately)

"Lost
your shirt to al in la in a poker game again, didn't you?"--Satireguy(JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Funny thing: I found this old beat-up t-shirt for the “The
Last Waltz” and threw it on eBay, asking $10. It was bid up to $53!
Now I have six old Dylan shirts up for auction. Also, I once hit a
royal flush on a video poker game in Vegas and won $250 on a 25 cent
bet. If I had bet a buck, I would have won $1,200 but I was only
playing so I could drink for free. Story of my life.)

"Get
in here and finish your writing and editing!"--Dex
(JUDGE'S COMMENT:Finish? It's never
finished! It's as relentless as a babbling brook. [Yeah, Cavanaugh, I'm
talking to you!] But thanks to wireless tech I don't have to come in
to put off doing what I'm supposed to do.)

"Did
you bet on the Mets again, al?" -- Jim
Cavanaugh (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I'll bet the
Mets finish with a better year than the Astros and the Red Sox choke
down the stretch. That's the best I can do.)

Al
formally took the reins from D. Radosh on August 10, 2009 (Contest
#202).--4th Anniversary (rebuttal edition) (JUDGE'S
COMMENT: Equal measures touching and annoying. There is nothing
“formal” about this contest, so I didn't need Daniel's abdication
to validate my meddling. Having said that, I'm touched that anyone
would give a shit.)

"Oh No! ... Not another naked survey for mongrel dogs!!! ...... How many times a day do you lick your balls? ... Did you smell your bitches' asshole within the last 20 minutes? ... Is it true that you ate your stool specimen last Monday at 9AM? ... When you humped your mistresses leg did you have an org...............

﻿fusilier |ˌfyoōzəˈli(ə)r| (also fusileer)noun (usu. Fusiliers)a member of any of several British regiments formerly armed with fusils : the Royal Scots Fusiliers.• historical a soldier armed with a fusil.