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December 14, 2007

This Logic Is More Twisty Than a Pretzel

It goes without saying that there is no point in expecting General Hospital to make sense. There's no room for "reason" or "logic" or "coherent sentences" on this show. Which is fine, I guess--some shows just aren't meant to have deep narratives or intricate plots, and that's fine. The Hills is totally awesome despite the most complex storyline being the Lauren/Heidi/Spencer feud. I just wish that the GH brass would realize that and aim a little lower, rather than trying to spin these elaborate mysteries or involved, gimmicky storylines. Know your strengths, GH!

The saga of the Text Message Killer is the latest in a long string of attempted whodunits on GH that make me insane with anger. One of the many problems with this story is that none of the writers know how to create a mystery. The proper way to craft a story is not:

Present a suspect who we know isn't a killer-->present another suspect who we know isn't a killer--> present another suspect who we know isn't a killer-->have characters extol the virtues of the mafia-->clear suspect #1-->clear suspect #2-->clear suspect #3-->have random backburner character start acting shady-->random backburner character is outed as the killer

(The other problem with this story is that the writers and producers of this show are so hack-ish and short-sighted that they have the nerve to kill off Emily Bowen Quartermaine and Georgie Jones for a cheap sweeps gimmick but that is a rant for another day. A rant that will come, dear readers, filled with numerous expletives. Stay tuned!)

These people are just terrible at their jobs.

The signs are all pointing to Coop being the Text Message Killer, which is just terrible on numerous levels. You have a gorgeous actor who, okay, isn't so much with the talented, but he's not glaringly awful (most of the time) and he at least puts more effort into a scene than Maurice Benard and Steve Burton do. You introduce him in an eye-catching way and then you throw him into a romance with a newly redeemed, fun character and the pairing takes off. In what world is the next step to put him on the air only sporadically and then turn him into a killer?

I know we don't know for certain that Coop is the killer, but Jason is suspicious of him and we all know what that means. I am completely amused by the evidence they are presenting to make this anti-Coop case...

(1)COOP IS ALL "WOO! CABLES ARE STRONG AND AWESOME(TO KILL PEOPLE WITH)"

Coop: That's too bad. Well, we'll have to go climbing in the spring.

Spinelli: You know, I've never understood how -- you know, how anyone would enjoy dangling off the side of a mountain secured solely by a, you know, cable that could snap at any time.

Coop: Well, those cords are stronger than they look. You'd be surprised at how well they work.

There's ham-fisted and then there's that. The only way for that to be more bizarre and WTFy is if Coop had said "I used to feel the same way as you, Spinelli. I was in this sporting goods store once and the salesgirl was like 'These cords are incredibly strong', so I strangled her with one, just to see if she was right. And she died in, like, thirty seconds. She really knew her stuff".

(2) COOP WAS A GREAT SOLDIER

Since Port Charles is a hotbed of moral turpentine, it's obvious that, in order to make mobsters seem to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice, professions usually regarded as heroic and good need to be presented as evil. Like, the cops in this town are totally awful and also dumb. And the only thing worse than a police officer is a soldier who dedicates his life to his country. And if the soldier is a good soldier? Honey, please, that's worse than being Joel Rifkin.

Logan: Well, you know, Coop's a decent guy -- even better soldier. You know, the type of guy you want next to you in a firefight -- strong, fearless. Once Coop got started, there was -- there was no stopping him till the job was done.

Georgie: Hi, hi. I need you to help me find out everything you can on -- come here -- on Coop starting with his military record. I was talking to Logan today and apparently, Coop is not such a great soldier. Um -- he was borderline obsessive with his missions in Iraq, which goes way beyond dedication. So there's got to be something in that file that can convince Maxie that he's not the person she thinks he is.

Are my listening comprehension skills not up to snuff or something? I thought Logan told her, verbatim, that Coop WAS a great soldier and then she's all "He's not such a great soldier". Also, why, in this instance, is being a determined killing machine bad? Is it because it's sanctioned by the government? If Jason was taking orders from the government, and not a mobster, would he, too, be evil?

Spinelli: I'm -- there it is. Um -- wow, huh -- the not-so-clean cadet's full service records and discharge papers and, well, for once, it looks like the unworthy one was speaking the truth. Ok, look. Um -- Sgt. Barrett was awarded many commendations for his service in Iraq. He was trained in special forces and then assigned to an elite unit, where it looks like he had many missions to practice on.

Georgie: Wow, well, that explains how -- how he was able to kill -- or at least try to kill -- four women without getting caught. Now all we have to do is prove it's him.

WHAT THE HELL?

Being so good at something that you receive awards for it is a sign that you're a sadistic criminal. I was on the dean's list every semester of college--is this why I was recently arrested for tax fraud?

These words make sense on their own and yet strung into sentences, they make absolutely zero sense to me. "He was a decorated soldier! KILL THE EVIL BASTARD!" How on earth did Georgie not get motion sickness from jumping to conclusions so fast?

(3)CARLY THOUGHT HE DID IT

Georgie: Cooper Barrett. He was the first guy Carly suspected in Leticia’s murder, and her instincts may have been right.

Yeah, when I'm going around trusting people, I often pick the person who married Sonny Corinthos multiple times and dresses like she hangs out with hookers down by the docks. I'd take her advice over that of someone who drives by schools in a white van, but only just.

My only question is why they keep referring to the Text Message Killer as being average height. Because...seriously?

If that's average height, what the hell is Sonny? A weeble?

I don't know why I'm surprised and I'm sort of ashamed of myself for even complaining about this, because I can clearly see Bob Guza all "So then we're going have this TOTALLY RAD MURDER MYSTERY and it's going to be hella cool and there's going to be strangulation and a ghost and then Jason's going to catch the killer and kill him and it's going to RULE. Oh, dang, this means I need to find someone to be the killer. Hey, what about that guy Coop? Who'd miss him? Yeah, I can see him killing people. This is going to rule so hard!"

Comments

"He was a decorated soldier! KILL THE EVIL BASTARD!"

Thank you for summing up their "logic" so well. I'm going to use that line when I write my email of hate to TIIC. Could they be any more profoundly disrespectful of the soldiers risking their lives everyday?

As a life-long Scorpio, Jones, and Scorpio-Jones family fan, I look forward to your entry on the killing of my sweet girl. It may just be the one ray of sunshine in this whole debacle. Unless you count the awesome acting that will come from KS, KMc, JJY, KW, and SC.

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one that felt this way. When it went from Logan saying Cooper was a good soldier to Georgie saying that he was a bad soldier and Spinelli agreeing because he was assigned to a special unit and had many commendations my mouth dropped. Where did they get all that because when I read that I get HERO, not murderer.

And I agree Georgie (and emily's i guess) death is another rant/story. I mean give me a break! Let's make sure all the Quartermaines and Jones-Scorpios are off the canvas.

And I laughed at your comment on Sonny must be a weeble. I don't get how they kept saying Cooper is medium height, I mean hello he towers over just about everyone!

Ah, Serial Drama girls, you have once again made me laugh aloud most heartily. The "weeble" comment is still making me giggle and the "hangs out with hookers down by the docks" hyperlinks make me remember that brilliant sketch by Chris Farley on SNL:

You're gonna be livin' in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Sadly, the late Mr. Farley's sartorial choices were so so so much better than the present Carly's. Yet another reason to miss that brilliant comic.

Keep it coming, ladies. Sometimes you're so funny I think you might be channelling Chris and other funny dead people!

no relation to Steve - re: "You've kind of blown my mind. This is the kind of quandry that makes the universe implode."

It is very much like the chicken and the egg isn't it? =) Think if I ask it of Jason his head would explode and then he'd POOF be gone?

Nahh....too much like a damn good dream....if his head exploded it would probably regenerate into a million little Jason's...enough for everyone to have their own! (shuddering...vomitting....shuddering...)

Not to be a shameless double post whore or anything BUT I was posting on this at another board and this thought just hit me...

Ok Cooper is all evil now because as a soilder he had to kill people or he'd be killed right? I mean I know I'm thinking logically and that's bad and all, but in a war I'm assuming if you don't kill someone on the other side you'll be the one killed right?

Isn't that the same effing logic they use to justify every murder at the hands of Corrinthos/Morgan since the dawn of effing time? They must kill the BAD mobsters or else they will be killed?

Okay, first of all-"What is Sonny? A weeble?" TEE-HEE! I just love y'all.

Now, THANK YOU for this post. As I assume the "Those F'ING BASTARDS KILLED GEORGIE!!!" rant is coming, I'm glad this one is devoted to another issue (other than the blatant mommy/wife/just-plain-psycho? issues Guza has re: strong, independent, intelligent women)I've had for a while now. Logan and Coop and Cody all came to town as shady, maybe-ruthless, "dark" characters-and what else do they have in common? Oh, yeah-THEY'RE ALL EX-SOLDIERS! So Guza has issues with veterans as well as women and doctors and cops and....well, every-fucking-body who's not a hit man or a whore! I swear, I want a bunch of female Iraq veterans to go to the studios, hog-tie Guza, and beat the LIVING FUCK out of him-if they'll let me know when they're going, I'll record it, set it to "Proud to Be an American", and put it on YouTube. Sick bastard.

Now, y'all will have to excuse me as I must go begin lighting novena candles for Mac in preparation for February Sweeps........Please, like I'm the only who sees that coming?

"Also, why, in this instance, is being a determined killing machine bad? Is it because it's sanctioned by the government? If Jason was taking orders from the government, and not a mobster, would he, too, be evil?"

It's not nice to make someone with bronchitis laugh this hard!! But even if it kills me, it will be worth it. You are brilliant beyond words!

Aydee...I have been paying attention..that is the unfortunately the reason WHY I recognize the double standard...apparently I missed my cup of Kool Aide when it was handed out.....silly me...preferring water to the sweet sugary goodness of Kool Aide! =)

And Marianne....I see your concerns...I know what you see...I see it too....I've been doing the novena that your theory doesn't come true or my alternate one...they decide to make Mac TMK because he was so jealous of JASON AND SONNY!