Thursday, April 9, 2009

Ovaries and a Nice Chianti

Someone is going to get it.

I am not even kidding. Any day now, you will read about the (Almost) elderly, (Slightly) overweight, (Somewhat) promiscuous, crazy lady (With bad hair), that lost her mind and beat her co-workers to death with last season's Michael Kors gladiator sandal.

The sad part is any chance I may have had for an acquittal will be lost, because all the evidence needed to convict me will be right here on this blog.I am screwed.

The days of me vs. the dumb boys at Fussy & Bitchy Inc. are over. Now I find myself in the middle of a hen party at work, only these hens have stilettos, over processed hair and little tiny brains filled with hate and nonsense. Send. Help.

After a week and a half of tolerating the mean girls and their bitch assedness, I have composed a warning letter. I think it is only fair, this way it will not be a surprise when I bludgeon them to death with last years foot wear.

Dear Future Victims Of My Wrath,

I am sick to death of mindless women who believe that they are endowed with superpowers that allow them to be the exception to every rule, because really? Seriously? If you think for one minute that you are the only one who has had to endure the pitfalls and pratfalls of motherhood you are fucking delusional. Your husband is not a bigger asshole than mine was and for the record, we all had crappy childhoods. The difference is some of us grew up.

How can you “Hate” so many things? Fat people, ugly people, non-English speaking people, Wal-Mart, cats, pine nuts. You hate them? I do not have the energy to consider them, let alone hate them. Hating is hard work. Save it for things that matter, or better yet just stop it.

I will admit that I am a bit mystified by your ability to raise the pitch of your voice to such a frequency that only dogs can hear you and your fixation with marking your territory is fascinating, but if you push me, I will pee on your desk blotter. I swear. I will.

Here is a tip: Without exception, every interesting woman I know has struggled to harness the power of the bitch. You see, we all have it. You are not special.

Being a superficial bitch, an ignorant bitch, a selfish bitch? That is the easy stuff and frankly, it wears thin.Fast.There is a huge difference between sarcastic wit and mean spirited bullshit.

It takes practice to control the force. Over time, if you are diligent, hopefully the result will be wisdom. Some women even achieve “Nice”. Unfortunately for you, I am not there yet. Worse, I can revert to the insane bitch of my past with little provocation (As I said it is a struggle).

So Stop It. Please, or I will eat your ovaries with some pine nuts and a nice Chianti.