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It's (the actual) St. Patrick's Day ... which means that it's time for a good old Irish joke!

Pioneer Press

Posted:
03/17/2014 12:01:00 AM CDT

Updated:
03/17/2014 10:05:52 AM CDT

Writes John in Highland: "My dad, Ed, was a full-blooded Irishman. Around St. Patrick's Day, he would tell us Irish stories.

"One story concerned a poor widow who lived in a small rented cottage with her six children. The cottage was very primitive, with no running water. Because there were no bathroom facilities, there was an outhouse, which the Irish refer to as the 'necessary' room.

"The landlord was a persistent sort. Each month, he would bother the widow for the rent, and she was usually tardy in scraping it together. One month she was exceptionally short of funds, and the landlord had already come by twice to collect the rent.

"Sure and begorrah, there he was at the door a third time.

Our pets, ourselves

Writes KATHY B.: "This is a picture of one of my sister's golden retrievers. Gracie is in second grade at puppy school. Judging by this photo, I'd say she was doing quite well as she reads the Pioneer Press with her master!"

The widow said: 'I've told you that I don't have the money!'

" 'See here, woman,' he said. 'If you don't come up with the money today, I'll have to take the necessary steps to get my payment!'

" 'Steps, hell,' she said. 'You can take the whole damn s***house, for all I care!'

"Of course, the story was always better when Ed told it in his Irish brogue."

This 'n' that

From RefereeMom: "In reference to the couple(s) who celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, etc., by visiting the local card shop just to browse, here is my parents' version:

"For Valentine Day, they travel together to the card shop; spend time finding the 'perfect' card for each other; hand said card to the spouse; read-laugh-replace on shelf.

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Leave card shop.

"So, for my father's 80th birthday this week, we opted to just 'drive by the restaurant.' This saved a lot of time and money!

"Also: I grew up with a Bohemian surname that I thought sounded just like it was spelled (thanks, 80-year-old Dad). However, people mangled it constantly. After 23 years, I married an Irishman, with an EASY last name. Right? No such luck; I can't tell you how many time people pronounced it Mrs. Doyle (like Oil of Olay [Bulletin Board notes: the Olay part, not the Oil part; had they gone with the Oil part, RefereeMom wouldn't have a thing to say!).

"The E is silent, people. Come Monday the 17th, I can only hope EVERYONE gets it right!"

Only a _________ would notice!

Or: God is in the details

Gregory J. of Dayton's Bluff: "I'm not an Irishman, but I often play one on St. Patrick's Day -- having been made an honorary Irishman by my Irish friend Tony many years ago. There was a ceremony and everything.

"As such, I feel it is my duty to report a disturbing trend. Despite the fact that a shamrock has only three leaves, more and more often they are being depicted as having four leaves, even in the pages of this fine publication. Unless I missed a memo, this is a definite no-no. Four-leaf clovers may be lucky, but only the three-leaf variety of certain plants in the clover family are considered true shamrocks.

"It's bad enough St. Paul is trying to mess with the parade, but this is too much. Is nothing sacred anymore?"

Only a _______ would notice!

Or: Everyone's a copy editor

The Retired Pedagogue of Arden Hills: "Subject: Fact check.

"There seems to be an echo on my Twins page-a-day calendar. These appeared with the 'Fact' designation on March 5 and March 7, respectively:

" 'A native of Payette, Idaho, Harmon Killebrew is the only Hall of Famer born in the Gem State.'

" 'Twins legend Harmon Killebrew, who earned the American League Most Valuable Player Award in 1969, is the only Hall of Famer who was born in Idaho.'

"I guess there's something to be said for consistency."

BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: And much to be said for Harmon Killebrew!

What's in a (difficult) name?

Paul Peter Paulos of St. Paul: "I enjoyed Tim Torkildson's letter about the early school manglings of his name [BB, 3/8/2014].

"Problems with my name began before I ever enrolled in school, and that's because, being born Greek (and still being so, I think), my first birth certificate, coming from the Greek Church, had me listed (and I don't have the character set on my keyboard to produce it here as it appears on that certificate, so here it is phonetically) as Apostoli Pandeoti Kediacopoulos.

"When my dad went to register me for grade school, he didn't think he would have to have my birth certificate to do that; maybe just proof that he himself was an American citizen ... but truthfully, I don't know what was needed back then or what he was thinking ... but here is where the family-heirloom story begins:

"He had to drive from Milwaukee, where we were then living, to Chicago, where I was born, to wait in line (for hours, he later always grumbled) at the Cook County Courthouse to get their official record of my birth (which, it turned out, we could have retrieved from the hospital).

"Anyway, the long and short of it is that when I got my driver's license, years later, I wish I could have pulled out that church birth certificate to have that tongue-twister name of Apostoli Pandeoti Kediacopoulos printed on it, so that when I was getting a ticket (an all-too-frequent occurrence), I would have had some glee in seeing the officer write up that name -- that is, until I saw the cost of the ticket."

Highfalutin amusements

Busy B: "My employer has a big lunch feast and music for Cinco de Mayo sometime around that actual date. We recently got the celebration date in May by email, so I grabbed my phone to put my favorite event on the phone calendar. Good; got it in.

"Just as I was going to click out, I realized the title looked wrong. After a moment of staring, I realized my phone is very astute; it knows me well. My 'extremely smart' phone had corrected my entry to 'Vino de Mayo.' Vino = wine: I love it. When I told my happy hour buddy/colleague at work, she commented that she would always vote for a Vino de Mayo -- in May or any other month. Maybe we'll host our own event in the park this year!"

This 'n' that

The Hoot Owl of St. Paul: "(1) About those wreaths: Some of us like to remove the red ribbon and add a more Lenten-like decor to our wreaths. We leave them up until the last SNOW pile has MELTED, and this has been our custom for several decades now! [Bulletin Board says: In that case, we hope that you'll be taking them down very, very, very soon.]

"(2) Maybe no one else has noticed? There are two public-service TV items running lately which sound eerily alike when one is in another room and not actually watching the screen. The first is for children starving in Africa, and the second is about poor animals needing a home. The 'oh so sad,' saccharine-toned lady's voice and the background music are very similar. When one actually looks at the screen, one sees sad-eyed children and equally sad-eyed dogs. I find the similarities a bit creepy."

Out of the mouths of babes

The Brit: "My daughter Julie had to tell me about my 5-year-old granddaughter, Sophie, who came home from school singing 'the Presidents song.' (I assume it's a little like the alphabet song, where children sing the names of presidents to learn them.) Julie congratulated her on learning the names of all the presidents. 'Oh no,' said Sophie, 'we've only learned the names of the boy presidents. We haven't learned the names of the girl presidents yet.' "