Ripping the piss since 1888

My wife and I have recently retired and we enjoy spending our newly-acquired free time in the garden together. However, now that the cold weather is upon us we were wondering if we can still do some planting despite the severe weather conditions here in the north of England.

Any advice you can give us on this one will be most welcome, Ted.

Kind Regards

Toby and Mary Dell

Sheffield

***********************

Dear Toby and Mary

You saucy pair of northern sods!

Enjoy time in the garden together eh? Yeah, I bet you do!

Do you do it in the potting shed with Mary bent over the bench while you go at it full pelt from behind Ted? Christ, you filthy bastards!

I bet, that on summer evenings, one of you chats to your next door neighbour over the garden fence, coming the old innocent, while the other one is kneeling down dishing out a bloody good tongue-lashing. I’m right aren’t I? Jesus, I knew it, you depraved sleazy buggers!

Are you into bondage and S&M? Does Ted like to be lashed to the lawnmower, Mary? Do you whip his bare arse with bamboo plant canes and push rhubarb up his jacksie? Yeah, I bet you do, you filthy bitch!

What colour panties are you wearing Mary? What about you Ted? Christ, you northerners are like rutting beasts of the field aren’t you, you filthy, depraved swine!

You’re turning me on so much do you know that? I’m going to have to have a hand shandy on the strength of this in a minute!

Well, I hope this has been of some help to you both and that you’ll continue to enjoy your garden for a good many years to come.

All the very best and happy growing!

Ted.

Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Depraved Horticulture Monthly

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The Whitechapel Whelk

We are a small, but perfectly formed band of satirists and smudge artists. We neither drink nor smoke. Nor indeed, do we use profanity or indulge in the sinful pleasures of the flesh. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get down the pub before closing time for a few pints and half an ounce of Golden Virginia. Hopefully, I'll have enough cash left to visit the local rub 'n' tug shop later for a massage and a rattling good bunk up with a painted floozie.
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