As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , U.S. President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "proper," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Patient with a bad toothache goes to a female dentist. She informs him she will have to sleep his mouth to pull his tooth.He refuses in a loud voice: NO! I can´t have injections in my mouth….I´m too afraid of them!

“How about sleeping gas? I have a new tank of gas right here!“Gas?....no no no….just the thought of having a mask over my face scares me too much!”

“How about pills?........Yea, I´m alright with pills…..So she gives him two little diamond shaped pills, which he swallows with water.

“What kind of pills were those?.......Viagras!.......I didn´t know Viagra was also a pain killer!

It isn´t. But it will give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth!!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair"

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt Auto with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!”

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Airborne approximately thirty minutes into an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement...

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up – one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...”

“I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."