My Story Of Sexual Abuse (And Why You Won’t Believe Me)

*Trigger warning: Descriptions of sexual abuse and assault.

I am holding so many stories of the sexual harm done to me, and if I tell them, I know I won’t be believed.

Wait. It’s worse than that. I’ll be blamed, judged, shamed. Vilified, rejected, exiled. If the abuse was the first betrayal, that will be the second.

Should I speak anyway? Why?

“To share your story,” some of you say. “To help others. To tell the truth. That’s what really matters.”

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? What if the only two who know are the dying pine and the force that brought her down?

It will be her word against his. Against his. Against his.

his his his his his.

I’ll back up a bit. I’ll start with this, so you can see how it happens. I didn’t understand how I ended up where I was, but I did try to get out. More times than I can count. Once, I said to him:

“There’s this guy, and I think I’m gonna date him like a normal college student.” He didn’t like that – a loosened grip, the threat of no longer being able to possess, to use me at the drop of a hat.

Soon after, without a word, he did one of his worst – a wine bottle between my legs. When he was finished, he silently dressed. Stood 6-foot-5 at the door and shook his head. Looked down his nose. Put on his pathetic quivering chin, as if I had inflicted harm upon him.

“Why did you do that?” I later asked. “I wanted to show you what you’d be missin’.”

If no one else witnessed, did the bad things really happen? Do they even exist? Or am I just crazy? Confused? A scorned whore, maybe? An arsonist standing at the edge of that forest, match in hand, ready to scorch both of us with accusation? Make the world pay attention?

Could be, I suppose: Me, the great and mighty Super Slanderer, a dangerous man-ruiner, curled up on the floor, shaking in my blanket-cape, magic powers of shocked and cold, naked and sore.

It’s been almost 20 years since then. I’m now the age he was when I met him. I’ve felt paralyzed and tortured inside all the while – frozen in time – but I want to tell my story now. So many women are speaking out. By your responses to them, I know how the slaughter will unfold for me – what you’ll ignore or explain away, and what you’ll decide to see. It will all amount to my not being believed.

THIS IS WHAT WILL NOT MATTER TO YOU (BUT WHAT SHOULD):

That he was old enough to be my father. That I went to high school with his daughter. That he was my boss. Pursued me for months. Stroked my dreams. Exploited my need. That it was a steady but whirlwind grooming. That I was his target. That his wife knew it. So did everyone around us.

It will not matter that no one warned me. That no one stopped it. That no one told him “NO.” That I didn’t either. That THAT’S WHAT GROOMING IS FOR. It will not matter that he was a pro. A serial cheater. A selfish manipulator to his core. A champion of degradation and porn. Trump-esque. An actor and textbook narcissist.

It will not matter that his ego was the size of Hollywood. Fed by the thrill of my inexperience. By the idea that maybe he still had it. A test run on a girl who longed to be special, to belong to a dad, to be held and protected. It won’t matter to you that I lived alone and ill. Vulnerable. A sitting duck. That my brain wasn’t even fully developed.

It will not matter that I’d been abused before. That it was so familiar it felt like home. (What it is to be a girl. Supposed to be grateful you’re wanted at all.) It will not matter I was a broken lock to his prowling key. His soft and too-young fantasy. That it felt good to be chosen. Especially ‘cause I’d never had a real boyfriend.

It will not matter that he knew all of this, cashed in on my leftover innocence. That I was his sexual experiment. That he wondered how far he could take it. If he could switch-and-bait it. That even his violence presented like charm. He could make you believe you should want such harm. That his care unmasked was something to survive. That he made me bleed between my thighs.

“You like that?… Are you a dirty little slut? … Huh?… Are you?”

“Yeah,” I whispered. (I guess I am.)

“I’ve never loved anyone this much,” he added.

It will not matter that I nearly died. That getting away took being hospitalized. It won’t matter that he played with me even then. Reminded me I still needed him:

I’m sad that you’re quitting the band. Get well soon.

Signed,

Your Friend.

It will not matter that I finally broke free. Moved home so he had no access to me. That years went by. That I started a new life. Went to school, sang in choir, became someone’s wife. There were 133 churches in town. It won’t matter to you that he chose mine. That I felt from the stage his eyes each week. That he wanted to join that same worship team.

It will not matter that he knew better all along. That he held the power in more ways than one. That with that came a responsibility to respect and not use and abuse me. To uphold the relationship’s integrity.

But none. Of that. Will matter.

THIS IS WHAT WILL MATTER TO YOU INSTEAD:

That “It was a long time ago.” That I was a troubled, addicted girl. That he and his wife were lost and estranged. That we should “Give the guy a break.” It will matter that “People change and grow.” That I never yelled “Stop” or “Help” or “No.” That I chose “an affair” and didn’t care it was wrong. That I stick to that story to keep playing along. That “Everyone makes some bad decisions. He just joined the choir ‘cause he’s a Christian.”

It will matter that he’s billboard successful. Respected, expensive, and dressed well. It will matter that he sells out theaters. A fun headline in your newspaper. It will matter he’s a joy to old ladies. A grandpa to cute little babies. That he’s always been tall, dark, and handsome. Calls all women “Darlin’” and flatters them.

It will matter that he said he was sorry. That now he gives God all the glory. That his story from the pulpit was so moving, the pastor didn’t ask him to prove it. It will matter that he mentors husbands. Teaches them supposed learned lessons. It will matter that he’s made marriage a ministry. That he warns men of “gals” like me.

That we have 67 mutual Facebook friends. That I don’t make it any more awkward for them. It will matter to you that I keep the peace. That I don’t upset our families. It will matter that I absorb his shame. That I take at least half the blame. That I curl up and die from this secret. That a good girl would certainly keep it. “Forgive and forget like Christ.” What you mean is “Be quiet. Be nice.”

It will matter that you’ll need more evidence. That you still won’t believe once you have it.

Or maybe you will.

And then change… can begin.

I hope.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).

Cyndie Randall is a writer with a poetry degree and a therapist who once lived in a psych hospital. She believes the telling and hearing of stories can lead to the sacred ground of human and divine connection. In addition to writing and counseling, Cyndie also makes songs and trips over her own feet following Jesus.

107 Responses

Don’t take this the wrong way, but did this actually happen or are you as a writer, telling a story to help others who have had such stories to tell? I know this happens way more than we will ever know on this side of eternity.

I don’t know what other way I would take your question to me except to feel that it’s an insensitive first response to the true story I have shared and it’s unnecessary.

Yes. This is my story. It is not embellished or fabricated in any way.

PS: You are so right that this happens more than we know. And shame on any writer who would write something like this if it were not true and try to pass it off as if it were. That would be one of the most unhelpful and dishonoring things for other victims.

I was reflecting on my initial response to you and I’d like to clarify – I am not calling you an insensitive person. I think whenever someone says, “Don’t take this the wrong way,” a defensive flag goes up for me that something is coming that they know may feel insensitive or out of place for the listener, but they want to say it anyway. That’s the posture from which I was hearing your comment.

What I meant to communicate to you was that your question felt unexpected as a response to my story, particularly because it is titled, “My Story of Sexual Abuse.”

I do not know of any writers who have made up a story of abuse and passed it off as their own, and in the name of “helping.” However, perhaps what you were wondering and asking is if I had combined common experiences and feelings of abuse survivors and created a piece of writing based on those stories? No, I did not do that, but shared my own story instead.

I am a writer, mentor, and public speaker as well as a survivor of verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. The personal details of incest and molestation, which started before first grade, are not necessarily important. Instead, I would like to accentuate how virtually everything we do has a spiritual motive or a sexual motive — if not both. For example, be it smoking, drinking, using drugs, getting tattooed, watching sports, or even listening to music, our choice to engage in these activities transcends our personality. Ergo, men who deliberately damage and degredate others via rape, incest, and infidelity, etc., often do so at the behest of Satanic spirits. Paradoxically, many religious leaders, in Judaism and Christianity alike, deliberately do the unspeakable via soul ties in the spirit realm. These soul ties must be destroyed for sexual healing of the predator or his prey take place. May God copiously bless you all.

I’ve read this comment several times – thank you for sharing your thoughts! My heart keeps returning to that little boy who began being so harmed before first grade. It matters so much to me what happened to him. I bet he was such an amazing kid!

Thank you for the blessing, and may you also experience God’s love deeply in the days to come.

“I was a broken lock to his prowling Key.” YES. Exactly. Amazing how so many of us share the superpowers you defined. I’ve never heard them put into words like this… In a way that truly shows the idiocy of people’s determination to live by their own narrative. I’ve long hated trying to fit into that part of the “church story” and I’m thankful for the clarity of your “he-said/you-said/we-paint-a-nice-picture” delineation.

Believing you. Sharing your sorrow. Hoping to impact others’ harmonizing as we sing the same “song” in the same “band.”

Jesus warned about wolves in sheep’s clothing but there is so much hidden, unconfessed and covered up sin swept under the rug of counterfeit grace. And the sin has not been renounced! Paul said about such conduct, “May it never be”!!

Without any repentance or remorse ever, these evildoers believe and practice magic – the magic of God’s sea of forgetfulness. It’s a fantasy that allows their sin to go unchecked. Nobody in the Church of Jesus will hold him accountable. Their secret sins flourish, at the expense of so many victims. Primary victims and the rest who are victimized by the web of deceit, manipulation, shame to the gospel and mockery of our God, who is the father of lights.

I was married to one for too many years. Many still refuse to believe me, more inside the Church than outside. Even after the court believed me!!

I had a Pastor who always kept the drapes open to the street so there was no corner in his office where anyone could not be seen. Working for the Salvation Army, we were never allowed to have empty rooms unlocked, especially when there were children in the building. Our van drivers are never alone and Classes always have helpers. Especially when you are a charity, a lot of people show up for the food, rent money or other benefits and aren’t really there to get close to God. You have to be extra careful who you see getting close to who.

I believe you. I lived like this for 40 years. But then others got hurt, by the same, seemingly devout man (and his accomplice wife). I had to take a stand and risk all relationships and the possible turnmoil and alienation. But that didn’t happen. God intervened. More victims were discovered as a result. We were surrounded by believers and others who protected us. Law enforcement prosecuted cases where the statue of limitations qualified. There have been years of recovery now, instead of bearing shame and reproach. It hasn’t always been an easy road. I too had to go to a BHU and receieve counselling and SSRI meds. In the end, taking the stand was worth it.

In my case, I was 18 and he was 35; he was a volunteer youth leader. The senior pastor was told that he was ‘trouble’ and that he was being inappropriate with me. The senior pastor wouldn’t hear of it, and rebuked the person that complained, telling them they were a messenger of satan. So – I ‘get’ messy… it’s been messy over here too. However. Daddy God orchestrated my healing, from the beginning ’til now – and it is perfect. Not finished, but perfect.

Sam, Thanks for sharing this. I believe you, truly. Shame on those who did not, but who caused further harm with a spiritually abusive response to the truth. These men betrayed you and abused their position and their power. It makes me so damn angry. I am thankful for your healing and for your strength. And for the God who sees. Here’s a *hug* if that’s ok.

Hugs are always ok. 🙂 <3 Yes – so thankful for the God who sees. I know for a fact that my abuser was subsequently accused of molesting a stepdaughter, but was not convicted. I wonder where he is and if he has ever had to face his past… The senior pastor was being inappropriate in his own right (trying very hard to find someone to have a flirtation/affair with), so he wasn't interested in dealing with my abuser because there was mud on his own doorstep. My entire story is here if you're interested:http://beautifuldaughterjer2911.blogspot.ca/

I believe you and the countless others that have the courage to speak the truth. I too was taken from my childhood into a disguising hidden world. Being told to stay behind miss shopping this time, next time you can go. There was no next time. I was believed, but nothing was done to help me. He was helped and forgiven. My heart was truly broken into tiny shards i am sure i am still lookking for some of the pieces. As i write this i am approching my 63rd birthday, i am medicated just to make thru the day. Funnny thing I burried this so deep that i made it thru an exceptional life. It is only recently that the memories have been unlocked.

Thanks for sharing this, Cynthia. I believe you … that it happened and that it’s been buried and has felt like a shattering, especially as your story and heart have begun to stir for help within you. I am praying and hoping that you will find, if you haven’t already, a person or community to carry that unfolding story with you and to care for your healing heart. You are worth it, no matter your age now. So is the little girl within you.

I believe you – and will take it a little further. There are many of us out here that were not/are not sexually or even physically abused, but are living in fear just the same. The emotional abuse can be heart-breaking and terrifying. And sometimes we are LESS likely to be heard. Some of the same reasons apply, with slight variations.

“It was a long time ago” Well, yes, but it’s still happening. 40 years of the abuse increasing. And when I finally got brave enough to open up, I discover that *I* “allowed” and “enabled” his abuse because I didn’t speak out. So now, I have to figure out how to break a 40 year habit of silence while still living with the abuse and the abuser.

He is “successful. Respected, [..] and dressed well”. He has a ministry. He has an amazing reputation in the community. He has helped so many children who love him. (Just not his own.) He will lose his credibility if you speak out. Just speak up to him and let him know this is NOT appropriate and you will no longer tolerate it. Really? How will I not tolerate it if I have no other options?

“He said (used to say) he was sorry. That now he gives God all the glory. That his story from the pulpit was (is) so moving.” Never mind that the minute he is back in the car or back at home the emotional jabs start again. That he yells at his kids, treats his wife with disdain, doesn’t communicate on anything that really matters. You’re enabling him, you know.

There is no out for us… if we run, the hospital doesn’t have a place for us. We have no visible wounds. Therapists and psychiatrists give us “coping skills” words we supposedly can use to stop ‘enabling’ him. Or ways to ‘take care of ourselves’ so their verbiage doesn’t hurt us. OK, there is always the divorce option… the courts don’t really care why we’re seeking divorce, and maybe that is the best option. I don’t know. Is there hope anywhere else?

I don’t know you or the day-to-day specifics of your family, life, and situation beyond what you have shared here, and for this reason and others, I cannot give you specific advice about what to do next.

HOWEVER, I hear your legitimate questions. And I hear so clearly the desperate cries of your heart. The exacerbation. The responsibility you feel others have placed on you for your husband’s behavior. And I believe you. It sounds like you are feeling trapped and have felt this way for a very long time.

It seems like you are asking good questions. Questions like, “Is there hope anywhere else?” I believe there is. I don’t know what that will look like in your community or for you personally, but you have named some options already. I’m so glad you aren’t giving up.

So, although I cannot give you advice, this is what I can tell you: Abuse does not have to leave physical injury in order to justify our removing ourselves from it or making hard but necessary changes – whether permanent or temporary. I don’t know what this will look like for you, but I can hear the bravery and desire for emotional safety and rest in your words. No one deserves to be abused; on the contrary, you deserve care and protection.

I am praying that your sharing here might be the beginning of a renewed strength in you. That you might find or further lean into safe and wise people in your community who can walk alongside you in the coming days and months as you desire and seek more than what has been.

I am sending so much love and support your way. Thank you for your bravery.

Cryingoutforjustice.com helped me understand what my “options” were. It made all the difference for me. Abuse is NOT God’s plan! I pray for healing and wisdom for you, my friend. Marriage has been made an idol by the church, but God cares about PEOPLE, He cares about YOU.

I believe it. It is gut-wrenching. Your husband should be willing to take you away to another church where you do not have to be stalked by him each Sunday. Forgiveness is one thing. To trust him is another. May God heal you and give you wisdom!

Thank you! … At the time, it did feel very gut-wrenching, duplicitous, and confusing, among other things, to be in that situation at church. However, my husband and I left over a decade ago and have lived and worked in other cities since.

Thank you for sharing your story. If I could I would give you a sister hug.

I understand how difficult it is/was to speak. Silence is so painful and we believe if we just get it out it will be better, too often it truly is met with even more painful “abuse”. But, our God heals and heals. He is in it for the long haul. I have been healing for 15 yrs, one layer at a time. And I have truly been amazed at just how completely He does heal.

This is almost my story exactly. Thank you for fighting for your life. Recovery has been messy for me as well, but I think I’ve made it of the shasow of death and now strolling confidently through peaceful meadows.

I believe you! I’m so sorry this happened to you! It makes me sick that this man is fooling everyone and that we as a church care more about keeping the peace than championing for justice! I have NO doubt that he will face God’s wrath some day! I have too many people close to me that have experienced this, and it breaks my heart! I admire your courage! If we end the silence maybe we can make a difference! My heart aches!

I believe you, and your story breaks my heart. #Me too. Although not to the degree of your story, I have my own stories, and have seen too many girls/women experience abuse. So much misogyny. So much looking the other way. So much pain. Only God can give the healing. Bless you! I am amazed/grateful to see that you have not lost your faith. Keep on keeping on!

In 1987 I worked as a probation officer in rural NEW and saw much sexual violence. In a training session that year on sexual abuse, a social worker KM said in the training course “if a female makes a complaint of sexual assault, in the absence of any other information she should be believed. It makes no sense for women or girls to make that up” Thanks for sharing

Oh Cyndie. My heart shatters for the girl that you were and also for the woman you have become that is still recovering from this abuse. I believe you! There are no words. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being so brave. I am incredibly blessed to know you. This was never your fault. I love you. ❤️

I believe you. I hear and feel the truth in your words. I’ve spent my life protecting others. As a Marine and as a professional martial artist and self defense instructor. Knowing I had and have to. So much of the culture perpetuates an environment where predators flourish. Our families, work, schools, churches, sports. As I say in my speaking and writing.

Where.are.the.men.?

It falls on us. Stand up. Let all know that we have their backs. They can count on us. Hugs and blessings sent your way. Thank you for your courage. Michael B. Storms

I wish I could be an angel of vengeance to tear him from his stage. I wish i could put the true fear of God into him and force him and his cowardly wife to watch as their congregation and children abandon them, demanding, “How could you be such a monster? And you, Mrs: how could you not say anything?” And the fact that others are culpable, “everyone knew”, is horrifying beyond the extreme.

Jennifer, I have definitely experienced the emotions and wishes you are describing. I think it’s so natural to feel that way in the face of injustice. And these days, I find myself more compelled by a desire for truth-telling, redemption (for all), and advocacy/empowerment. I’m trusting God with it, and it’s hard.

Thanks for sharing your heart of care and justice. Sometimes another’s anger over what has harmed us can be a gift.

Dear Cyndie, How brave to be so open to help others. As a farm kid with an idealistic childhood I was not exposed to the horror of abuse in adults/children until I landed my first job in the middle of Wyoming in the 1970’s! Wow! Culture shock! I learned to stand up for myself and others in a big hurry, then married an alcoholic and learned a new set of abuses I never heard of…….Life is so full of lesssons if we are willing to learn and hope and pray the unknown ahead is better than what you have now. Again…Thank you for bravely sharing part of your incredible story!

Wow. Your poetic writing here tells the pain of your story and I believe you. I have a similar story that happened with my youth pastor-and 23 years later, am pushing to make it public. Your words here are so true. People tell me this man is repentent and has changed. Keep it a secret-for the sake of the church. It’s too long to share here, but know, I believe you. Your words will help some others understand … there will be those who call us the whore , but in our souls we know the truth.

Thanks, Jennyth. I am sad that you can relate to being in a position where there was an abuse of power and then a spiritually abusive response that dismissed the seriousness of it all.

I have heard the sentiment, “Keep it a secret for the sake of the church” communicated many times both implicitly and explicitly to myself and to others. Not just about sexual abuse, but about many other injustices that go on.

My reply to that is always this: But you ARE the church. You matter, and should not be swept under any rug.

I think what people often mean when they say, “Keep it a secret for the sake of the church” is “Don’t mess up our appearance, don’t rock the boat, you’ll make our numbers fall, etc. etc. That’s usually crap. That’s not love or living in the light, but pretense rooted in power and control. It allows abuse to continue.

It seems the intersection of sexual abuse with the christian religion complicates things exponentially. The christian community is hard wired to give deferential treatment to the man in charge – the one who has been ‘given authority by God’. The entire culture venerates the male and views women as ‘less than’ at best and ‘jezebel’ at worst. The devil is very good at what he does and he certainly has infiltrated God’s church with a major collective mind f*$#. The consequences of that for women have been horrendous. I stand with you in saying ‘no more’.

Further, I sincerely believe we are in a time wherein God is very much about the business of changing all of that. Praise the Lord as God ushers in the Divine Feminine. Your story is a part of it. I pray what you have written here will go far in delivering Jesus cleanly away from the clutches of the euro-centric patriarchal hierarchy and back into the hands of the people.

I’m really really sorry to read that you experienced everything you did and that the ties are still there for you to have to deal with. Take your time. Take care of you, whatever that needs to mean. It’s obvious you are smart and you are strong. I have no doubt this will all be used at some point toward the greater narrative – the one where ‘good’ wins in the end.

May God bless and keep you dear woman. May God’s comfort and peace be to your heart. May the Joy of the Lord (which is crushing the darkness) be your strength. Amen.

The “intersection of sexual abuse with the christian religion complicates things exponentially.” I definitely agree with this. I won’t unpack why right now, but I may in the future as I continue to write. I agree with several of the things you’ve expressed here.

My dear one…I believe you! I love your courage and your bravery in becoming the bold and honest woman you are today. I’ve read through your responses that are filled with truth and kindness for others. This comes from the shear guts and goodness of your heart. I’m saddened by what I’ve read here today, mostly for you, but also for your readers. You are a gift to them…you are a gift to me. God has His eyes on you..ones filled with tears and ones that are smiling. Keep on…keep on…my friend, I love you💜MJ

I believe you. I’m so sorry. I know this feeling. I’m working through another season of discovery and healing with Dan Allender and The Allender Center. I’ve been groomed. Cheated on. Molested. Raped at a very young age. And I’m still in contact with or connected to every single one of them. How has this become about them and not us?

Hey Stephanie …. I hear how deeply painful it’s been for you …. how painful it still is … and I’m hoping for more and more goodness and healing for you. You’re not alone! Here’s a *hug* if you’re ok with that.

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I hope others will be alerted to the practices of grooming those most vulnerable and step in to stop it. Even though this man may never stand before an earthly judge, he really should, he will someday stand before The Judge and be held accountable for his actions! I am so sorry this wolf dressed himself as a shepherd and harmed you so badly.

You used the word “shepherd” – This word is often used to describe pastors, but as a point of clarification in case there was confusion, this man was not my pastor, but someone I worked for. After I had been away from him for some time and began getting back on my feet, he ended up joining and becoming active in the church I was leading worship in each week.

You mentioned the concept of grooming … I unpacked it in this article, but am hoping to write more generally about it some time soon.

Dear Cyndie, I believe you. And thank God that your healing has reached a point where you could share your story. You’re very talented at writing, and I’m sure, speak for many who are not able. I could feel the pain, the agony, the shame, and the loneliness in your words. I join with others in prayer, that there is change. Soon, very soon. Only someone who is very brave, could share this story. It also takes courage, and strength to share. You have many gifts, but the gift of courage and strength came with a price. Love you, my friend. You are truly amazing. Coni

Thank you for breaking the silence. Thank you for overcoming the incredible pressure to be the nice girl. I cheer you on with an ache in my soul. These things should not be! Not one predator should be sheilded by the church. I also know what it means to speak from, and for, the tiny self in a voice loud enough to be heard, only to be scorned by the religious establishment. I haved chosen to name the religious right in my story the Triple C ( Conservative Christian Club). It took me a courage I didn’t know I had to stand up to this monstrous bully. Twenty five years later I must still travel carefully through their lands. I spoke the difficult and dirty truth. I turned the light on in a room full of dark secrets. But even though I did that at great cost, and still continue to pay, I am convinced of my prize. I am no longer a victim. I am free. I am an outcast from that club but I have found myself and my voice. I am 59 years old and love to walk beside others who once suffered in silence. I see them. I hear them. I am proud to no longer be a nice girl. Niceness is dangerous. I stand for all of us who suffer at the hands of those predators flaunting themselves in the Triple C. ❤

My heart is heavy and grieves for the harm done to you. Thank you for courageously sharing your story. I have been recently thinking about why I have spent decades in silence ashamed to share my story, especially with the current “me too” movement. If I was robbed at gunpoint I wouldn’t be ashamed to tell my story. But when it comes to sexual abuse, the victim carries the shame which should be carried by the perpetrator. When we stay silent and don’t name our abusers, aren’t we protecting them and putting others at risk? I haven’t named mine yet. My family has no idea of what I have experienced. Like you wrote, naming our abusers takes courage and the accepting the likelihood hood of being retraumatized by the doubts and unbiblical advice the church directs toward victims. Thank you for sharing your story.