The attack

I’m under attack.

I don’t usually post things like this on Facebook or my blog…but I don’t feel like I can be quiet one more minute. I mean, if it was just me coming under attack, I might be able to shake it off a while longer. But it’s not…

I try not to air my grievances in public. I try not to be that person that puts every intimate detail of his/her life out for everyone to see. I’m not doing this for personal gain or attention. I’m doing it so my friends and family will know that, when I see in them what I see in me, it hurts me and I care.

This attack is like none other. And, no, Derek, you can’t come to my rescue and “end someone”, though that’s the best offer I’ve had in a long time. No, no one can help, although, God bless him, Jim tries his hardest to.

This attack…this assault…it’s coming from my own body.

It’s coming from inside of me, isn’t that a laugh? It sneaks up on me, disguised by the promise of feeling good. It attacks without warning and doesn’t care what I have planned or scheduled. It is a demanding, whiny child…to ignore it is not an option.

Because of it, I lose hours…days…weeks. Because I can’t defend myself, it always succeeds. It reigns like a tyrant…controlling and oppressing me at every turn.

Today, it sucker punched me. I was in control, so I thought. I was up and feeling good. The sun was shining and it was going to be a great day. I planned my day, hit the ground running, ready to be free of the tyrant and accomplish so much…until the brick wall arose in front of me and I slammed into it. The tyrant raised his hand…and I had no choice but to submit.

It started out as a twitch. A simple eye twitch…but it didn’t stop there. It drove from the back of my head to the back of my eyes, feeling as though it was going to push them out from their sockets. The pain spread, my vision dimmed and soon, it had total control.

“No!” I said, stomping my foot like a three-year old…I wanted to throw a fit. I wanted to shake my fist and yell. But experience has taught me that doing those things only brings more pain.

So I laid my head and my pillow…and cried.

It’s not fair…not just to me. It’s not fair to Jim, who works so hard every day. It’s not fair to my family and friends, whose important events I miss because of this tyrant in my body. It’s not fair to my family and friends who have their own tyrant ruling their bodies.

Many people think, “Migraines are just a headache…what’s the big deal?”

Your not alone. I fight this damn attack all the time. It takes my body, mind and almost my soul. It tells me I’m unworthy, not good enough, it tells me I’m ugly, it takes me to the pits of hell. It takes my independence. There are times I just don’t want to live anymore. So, I thank Jesus in the storm. You talk about hard! Just praise him. I’m usually on the floor on my face. Because if I don’t things just get worse and the devil tells me how my husband will leave me for this and everything else. Praise him in the storm. And then look in the mirror and say, I am a conquerer. I am worthy. I am a child of God. And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes, another attack maybe, another fall in the pits of hell. But I promise, he will pick you back up. I am having seizures now. And still, doctors are duh to an answer. We got this sister. We are conquerors. Vent on me. I’m on the same boat with you. Prayers for healing. And big big tight hugs your way. Love you

Yesterday I let it get to me. Everything you said is true and I know it. And I appreciate you saying it. For some reason, yesterday I felt defeated. But God sent me what I needed, far better than physical relief…He sent you and others to restore my soul. Thank you sweet cousin. I love you and know that we can do this, together. Love you!