AdAlDa
Striker, A Stallion monster hunter known as a Seeker must protect the Mane 6 from monsters that threaten them, and the lives of all Equestrians. But the more he learns about them and himself, the closer the end of the world seems to come. ·SunnyLion

AdAl
The multiverse is just one grand experiment for many immortals as they try to explore its secrets. This is the story of one such experiment on what would happen if a new element was added to a universe that nearly exaclty parallels the original. ·Fresnor

AdAlCrDaRo
The city of Roam is tortured by ambient and open hostility. Finally, a Praetorian arises to protect the city like the Legionnaires of old, and nothing will stop him. Nothing but himself, that is. ·Delvius

>>138388138388 Indeed, my cameras, spybots and army of camoflagued parasprites have been eagerly tracking your story for quite some time now! It's good that you don't upload everything in one huge chunk though, that should attract a couple new readers. Now, I'm sure this won't come as a surprise, but any ETA on the next chapter, yet? XD

Shit is done, it just needs one last scene, which I'm going to get started on tonight. Now, that's where things get interesting. This last scene will have additional content in the version I'll post here, and on FiMchan. Content that is unsuitable for EqD and Ponychan. I'm not going to go overboard, mind you, but there will be other chapters in the future with alternate versions of some scenes.

yea I'm lookin forward to it, and the heavy dark stuff doesn't bug much. In fact it just gives it that much more excitment and suspense just to know how it effects the future of the plot itself........

Now that my internet is back I eagerly await the point at which this gets to chapter 8 I've been looking forward to reading it for so long

And on an unrelated note: My router intensely dislikes me, I'm very sure of that.

Also, is the version posted here any different from the one posted on Equestria Daily? if so I'll start reading from beginning to end again because its just that good almost reminds me of when I kept rereading "Breaking Dawn" (please don't hate me DX)

Chapter 8 is officially done, and will hopefully be put up on EqD tomorrow. The story I'm posting here is, for the moment, the same as the one on EqD. I've touched it up here and there, but other than that, same story. Once 8 is posted though, that will change.

On a complete whim, I started reading this yesterday when I saw it in the EQD story updates. BEST. WHIM. EVER!

I was hooked the instant Fluttershy met Mahara; I only stopped reading when I noticed it was 3:00 in the morning, then woke up at 7:30 because I guess even my subconscious was eager to find out what would happen, and finished chapter eight a few hours ago... You know you've got something good when your readers do crazy stuff like that, right?

I only have three, small critiques:

1- Personally, as a writer myself, I would have inverted the order of the first two scenes: That is, the scene with Fluttershy encountering Mahara would be read before Twilight discovering the diary and releasing Mahara. Just a little anachronism to kick start all the confusion and doubt that permeate the first few chapters. So, not really a critique, just more "What I would have done," I guess.

2- The entire scene where Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Snips, Snails, and Twist go into the Everfree Forest and arrive at Froggy Bottom Bog feels like it lasts far longer than necessary. Part of this simply may be because I feel you had shoehorned Snips and Snails into the story just to lampshade with Twist the sudden swearing going on (I don't care about swearing much, and here things were starting to get pretty messed up all around, so I say it's completely excused), and to make a slight joke at Sweetie Belle's expense. They simply feel entirely unneeded to do what that scene needed to do: set up for the hydra attack. Also, as far as I can tell, none of the interaction that occurred between those five in that, and their previous, scenes will have any repercussions on the main plot line--more so than I initially thought now that Scootaloo admitted being to blame for the hydra--excluding the possibility of a "Spartacus" moment that seems extremely unlikely.

3- Following that note, many of the background ponies you include are included for, apparently, no reason. The little side plot with Vinyl Scratch seems to have disappeared like a ghost without any importance, not to mention her completely-out-of-the-blue arrival during the hydra attack literally made me stop for a couple minutes to process what had just happened. Also, while Aloe's death and Rarity's relation with her was mentioned a few times, Rarity seems to get over it all to quickly for that kind of build-up; seems the story would be largely the same without this. Even her suspicious absence from Aloe's funeral isn't needed given her equally suspicious behavior before then and the immediately following sudden trip to "Canterlot." Similarly, Pinkie's friendship with Ditzy is mentioned often with her occasional appearances, yet their interactions seem largely trivial and not building up to anything. I can understand writing in the occasion red herring, but one or two a chapter, even in such long chapters, is getting towards becoming a bit too much (If these things are, indeed, trivial as I interpret).

Dang, those turned out a bit longer than I expected... It's still a great story with excellent writing; just had a few minor gripes I thought to share about your (side) plot construction.

1) I hadn't really considered that. On the other hand, Mahara's identity as the monster was never supposed to be a mystery to the audience, just the other characters. Her actions were more important than her identity, I guess.

2) I can understand where you're coming from here. It seemed like a good idea at the time! I honestly wasn't trying to write filler, I just figured it would make more sense to show them getting lost than just sticking them all there at the bog and then a hydra. Snips and Snails I probably could have done without, but there wouldn't have been nearly as much dialogue without them. Considering your statement on length, maybe that would have been a good thing?

3) Vinyl is going to be more important later, as is Ditzy, which is kind of why I introduced them this early. I didn't just want them to suddenly show up later, so I attempted to establish and rationalize the reasons for their involvement. I'm happy to report, Ditzy's conversation with Pinkie in 8 is actually not trivial at all. It just hasn't become relevant yet because I haven't fully explored the hows and whys yet, but, there are plenty of hints in the chapter to show you where I'm going. If it helps, focus on Pinkie's scene and then Zecora's. I really dropped the ball with Aloe though. I wish I had you around when I was revising, because that would have been an extremely helpful insight. I can make note of it in 9 though, so, there's still a chance to resolve that.

Oh, good! When it comes to critique on the 'Net, everyone seems to be on one of the extreme sides of the "want-hate" scale, so I was a little unsure. You're welcome!

1- Ha! Is that so? Well, it must have just been me and my love for Fluttershy, then. I thought her self-deception was very convincing, especially when she was imagining the possibility that "the monster" was trying to make Mahara a scapegoat or otherwise frame her. Just then, I was more ready than not to believe Mahara wasn't a/the vampire...

2- Ah, I think I understand where your coming from. You're worried that readers might think that you, as the writer, are just dropping them at the bog for convenience, right? I've seen problems like this before in writing workshops, where the writer has trouble with either chronological jumps, or where to start and/or stop such jumps. Placing a little summary about what's been happening at the beginning of the jump is easy enough (not my preferred method, but easy to make believable), and if the scene feels too short, there are more ways to extend a scene than with dialogue.

3- Well I'll give you Ditzy on getting mentioned early, but I still think Scratch's unheralded appearance in the middle of an already shocking scene is hard to swallow. I think if she was just mentioned in passing as being about to visit by somepony--Pinkie Pie is the obvious, easy choice--then I wouldn't have acted so, "What?! Where-?! Why-?! " Besides that, now that you mention it, it seems there are a few curious things that could have future repercussions in that chapter eight dialogue... Guess that's what I get for reading it my first time on four hours of sleep!

... And is that a hint? ... I don't like to be presumptuous, but I do like editing...

Oh man, I would be honored to add you to my editing staff :3c I can never have enough constructive criticism and you seem to have an excellent grasp on it.

I don't feel like using numbers anymore :A

Honestly, after the reaction to Nyx, I expected most readers to hate Mahara. I tried to make her a really underhanded and sketchy character and it backfired because apparently people love her because she's so amoral. The way I'm writing this story is supposed to allow the reader to make their own opinions about Mahara, really.

The funny thing about the bog and all that, though, is that I did a LOT of chronological jumping in chapter 8 and it turned out just fine. Write and learn, I guess.

I definitely could have handled Scratch's introduction better. Not a whole lot I can do now beyond having Pinkie mention it earlier in the story I guess? Also another hint regarding Ditzy; the thing Pacce is working on is directly related to Zecora's scenes in chapters 6 and 8, and Pinkie's scene in 8.

Also......Damn....You're good. The only thing keeping me following this particular story closer is how long the chapters are. I'm not quite used to reading chapters this long but I'll get used to it...Since I plan on reading Past sins...

I took Fallout Equestria's chapter lengths as a challenge. Wait till you get to chapter 8! It's almost if not exactly 50 pages with all the bonus material in the last scene. Also the way I'm writing this, you're kind of supposed to form your own opinion about Mahara.

"Editing staff," hm? So formal and professional... sounds like fun! I'll take you up on that

Thanks for that compliment, too

And, a sudden shift:

Hm, Nyx... from... Past Sins? I don't know anything about that because I only discovered MLP:FiM after it was completed, I think (I got into the show this last October, just before Lesson Zero aired), so I'm not sure what you mean, but I guessing it's not positive... Either way, I do love characters that are written in such a way the reader is free to interpret. It's not easy for the writer but it's so fun to read!

This is just a guess on my part, but one thing about Mahara that may have led to people liking her is she's a "return" or shift back to old vampire mythos; it's refreshing, in a way, as odd as that may sound. Not that I know much about vampires, in all actuality, beyond Interview with the Vampire and Salem's Lot (the novels, that is). That, or because she's so strongly associated with Fluttershy, especially now, and it would be hard to justify not liking Mahara without also getting a bit frustrated and angry with Fluttershy... and it's even harder to justify being mad at the poor mare

Yes, chapter eight was very nicely constructed

About Scratch, that's what I would do. A further suggestion on that: The welcoming/get well party scene seems like not only the most logical, but easiest place to insert that.

I'll send you a link to chapter 9 when it's ready for revision and stuff! Welcome to the team :3c

And yes, Nyx from Past Sins. I haven't read it myself, but people are very polarized about it. I was expecting a similar reaction, but unless people are just saying all the nasty things behind my back, people generally seem to like Mahara. A lot of keeping her neutral is just not narrating from her perspective. It's impossible to tell when she is or isn't lying, so it depends on how much you trust her.

But yeah, I set out to write a vampire story, and I said, Stephenie Meyer, I'm taking it back! Dracula is one of my favorite books ever and I suggest you read it when you find the time. Only 300ish pages. You may or may not see a lot of similarities to my style of narrative when you do. I guess I'll put that line about Scratch in tomorrow or something. Retcon powers activate!

Hope i don't have to wait to long for the next one! And, i'm not sure how long you have this story planned out to be, but i certainly wouldn't mind if still has a long way to go, hint hint. (what i'm saying is make at least 20 more chapters of this length, please and thank you ^^)

Actually I started reading this only, because I saw the picture of Fluttershy with vampire fangs on EqD, but it turned out as one of the most interesting stories I ever dared to read in English. I usually don't enjoy reading, especially when I have to use my not-that-good English skills.

So please feel honoured, that you encouraged me to improve and use my English. :D

There are three things, I'd like to mention/ask you about, though:

The first is the love relationship between Rainbow Dash and Applejack, which seems to me, well, kind of seperated from the main story line, due to the (from my point of view) unidirectional connection between those. While the main plot directly affects Applejack and Rainbow Dash from the very beginning, because of Applebloom and the hydra attack, their relationship and it's hiding from everyone does not really contribute to the set of problems around Mahara and/or Fluttershy yet, speaking of Chapter 8. Nevertheless I'm assuming, that you tried to break that wall within the last chapter, when the depressed/drunk Rainbow Dash beats Scootaloo, so that it may start up a new sequence of events, that could end up in the Mahara-problem. So I'd really like to know, if you're indeed working on that (since I don't know your plans for the following chapters, obviously), because I think, concidering how detailed their relationship is described, it should have a deeper meaning for the whole story, than just being existant. (Or maybe I'm just overlooking it.)

The second thing is the impact of all the brutality on the ponies' mental state, regarding the usually pacifistic attitude of ponies in Ponyville. Of course, that they don't seem to mind it is your personal interpretation of those, but especially the battle against the hydra had kind of a strange impression to me, when for example Pinkie Pie slid down the hydra's neck cutting it open or when Applejack crushed the hydra's head. I would have expected them to be more... disgusted by such actions, therefore maybe having psychological problems besides the mourning afterwards. I think, it just doesn't fit the characters to get over their unusually violent actions that easily. (Although I have to admit, that I honestly like the gore very much!)

The third thing has nothing to do with the story; It's just that I'm really confused by your comment on the 8th Chapter. Have you gotten that many requests about when the story is about to end? I'm curious. :P

All in all, that are just my personal opinions, so please don't be offended, because nonetheless your story is really, really great and I hope you keep up your excellent work!

Honestly, your English is pretty good! You just have a few comas in strange places. That's about it. Jeeze though, totally excited that you liked my story enough to actually try and learn a new language! I had no idea people liked it this much. I'm trying really hard not to let my ego go nuts on all the praise.

As I say to everyone though, I live on criticism and suggestions, so I am not in any way offended by your opinions. Said opinions are also very well grounded, and happen to be things that I've thought about or had brought up in the past, so you're definitely on the mark there.

Going in order, though, yeah, the AppleDash thing is a little more separate from the actual story than I had originally intended. I'm working on bringing it back in. They'll have a larger part to play in the following arcs, I'm fairly certain. As a counter point, one of the things that has happened as a starting condition of the story is that their friendships have already fractured to a degree. Rarity and Fluttershy are at odds, Applejack and Rainbow Dash spend more time with each other than anyone else, Twilight is starting to regress back to focusing all her attention on Celestia, and Pinkie feels left out in general.

That's another good point, but I'd like to point out that under the right circumstances, you'll see a side of people (or ponies) you might never see otherwise. It was a fight or flight situation, and since they realized how fucked Ponyville was if they decided to run and hide, they stepped up to the challenge. Also that hydra killed three of their own and destroyed a lot of homes. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I would think they would feel justified to use violence considering the circumstances. It was righteous and necessary anger, and while they're not bloodthirsty by any means, they understand that it was something that couldn't be avoided. Revisiting it as a form of psychological trauma might be interesting, though. I'll keep it in mind.

And yeah, people apparently keep asking me if it's over each time I post a chapter. Barely anything has been resolved! How can it be over?!

It's definitely good to know, that you're open-minded; Unfortunately, I experienced otherwise by some artists and musicians in the past, so that I decided to be cautious.

And yeah, I guess putting commas in the right place is a bit tricky for me, because German is very strict about punctuation at all and in English I assume, that you use commas more likely on purpose.

But coming back to the topic again, I'm glad to hear, that you're going to work on the Applejack/Rainbow Dash relationship. I've already made assumptions on how this could lead back to Mahara, thinking of Rainbow Dash, who would do everything for improving Applejacks life after the severe injury, and the fact, that the vampirism gives you the ability to recover your body in no time. But the longer I thought about it, the less logical it seemed to me, since RD is partly blaming Mahara for AJ's misery and AJ wouldn't be pleased at all to become a monster, thus holding back RD. But hey, noone can tell, what an absolutely desperate pony is going to do, right? :P

Also I'm thankful to you for mentioning the bad status of the mane six' friendship and the circumstances of the fight against the hydra, I must have concentrated that much on details, that I lost focus for the whole. So I totally understand your point now, and thereby I noticed, that I may have forgotten that the story is actually grimdark, so I should have expected "dark-sided" ponies beforehand. However, if the story really gets bloodier, as you mentioned in your blog, I'd suggest, that the ponies should somehow mind additional violence on future occasions, so it may not become superficial and/or monotonous at some point.

And well, that people tend to like your story may be related to many things, yet in my case it's for example the quite good question/answer ratio, hence the story does neither get boring nor too confusing, and the way you slip into the ponies' consciousness changing the perspective.

I'm really looking forward the next chapter (and of course the additional content of the 8th chapter as well), so I better not distract you from your work any further. Just keep having fun writing on it! ;)