Suzette Martinez Standring: The fathers who stayed

Suzette Martinez Standring

Thursday

May 29, 2008 at 12:01 AMMay 29, 2008 at 6:03 AM

Father’s Day greeting cards portray affectionate and fun-loving dads everywhere. But there are no cards that feature emotionally distant fathers who fantasize about a different life but who still stayed and stayed. My dad was one of them.

Father’s Day greeting cards portray affectionate and fun-loving dads everywhere. But there are no cards that feature emotionally distant fathers who fantasize about a different life but who still stayed and stayed.

My dad was one of them.

Never warm, never fuzzy, Mr. Martinez often closed the bedroom door behind him, muttering something about “peace and quiet.” My dad never cheered from any softball stands. Instead, an occasional slipper whizzed into the room with him yelling, “Shut up, you kids!”

As a child, I thought my dad was a grouch, but it sure felt safe to have him around.

Later, as a teenager caught up in the momentum of the women’s movement, my dad became the enemy. Why can’t I just come and go as I please? What do you mean I can’t date Dennis because he’s too “old” for me? In my then-16-year-old mind, my dad’s dominance was symptomatic of an unfair patriarchal society.

“Control freak,” I’d whisper when he left the room.

In retrospect, his ability to yell louder and longer than I could (no small feat) probably saved me from myself.

At the time, I pitied my mother, whose relationship with my dad appeared neither communicative nor romantic. Once I asked her, point blank, “What do you love about dad?”

“He works like a horse,” she said as she folded laundry for five.

“That’s it?” I asked in disbelief.

Now I appreciate that every morning he rose at 4 a.m., asthmatic and wheezing, to work long hours as a hotel cook. Name any respiratory scourge and my dad suffered from it. Prescriptions, like small soldiers, stood at attention on his nightstand, but he never missed a day of work in his life.

I now understand my dad’s emotional distance was typical of his World War II generation -- men who lived an attitude of “just dig in and do it and stop talking about it so much.”

I had to become a parent, with all its frustrating sacrifices, before I could fathom how deeply his energy was invested in keeping us together. Too many men choose to abandon their kids rather than endure the relentless grind of keeping them clothed, fed and properly schooled. Statistics show divorce puts most women and their children into a lower income bracket with all its attendant deprivations and stressors.

What would have become of us if my father’s desire for a different life had prevailed? But such notions did not occur to me at the time. I was jealous of other girls whose dads openly doted on them.

Now as a grandmother, I observe how my two granddaughters thrive from their dad’s daily attentions. True, my son-in-law Joe is much more affectionate and talkative with his girls compared with my dad. But a father’s presence at home creates stability and routine, which, when looking back, underscored my own sense of childhood safety.

If I ever wondered if my dad wanted something different apart from family life, he gave me an answer one afternoon out of the blue.

“I know a lot of people think I’m just some guy living in this neighborhood in a crummy house. But what they don’t know was that when I was young, I traveled everywhere and saw places they’ve never been to. Nobody can take away my memories,” he said.

Then patting my hand, he said, “But I want you to do better than I did.”

Then he went back to watching “The Mike Douglas Show” as though nothing had happened.

To learn about his secret yearnings was like a mule’s kick to the head.

My dad had adventures in exotic places! These memories sustained him. Who could know that wanderlust beat in his heart every day when he hoisted heavy kettles and pots in a hotel kitchen so that he could the make the mortgage on our “crummy” house?

Here I had always craved his personal attention, but he chose to channel what energy he had into a much bigger picture.

My dad gave up his dreams so his kids could have a running chance at theirs. And being with us did make a difference.

Here’s to the fathers who stayed and stayed.

E-mail Suzette Standring at suzmar@comcast.net. She is the author of "The Art of Column Writing" and is syndicated with GateHouse News Service.

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