Last night, I went out with a long-time guy friend for drinks. I had already told my boyfriend that I might be out late since I hadn't seen my friend in months and we had a lot to catch up on.

At 11PM, my boyfriend called me and told me that I needed to be home soon. I told him I didn't think I'd be back until 12:30, and he said it was OK then.

Fast forward to 12:45 when I get home, and he's sitting in the living room waiting for me a with a cold, menacing look on his face. He told me that my behavior was unacceptable and that I couldn't just stay out as late as I wanted now that we were a real couple and we lived together. I asked him about him staying out with a friend of his last week (who I'm pretty sure has a crush on him), and he totally flipped out on me. He told me that it wasn't fair for me to always be hounding him (I never have a problem with him going out with his friends), that I was being controlling, and that this behavior couldn't continue.

We had a lot of yelling and screaming, and I ended up walking out to stay at my cousin's apartment. I texted him this morning saying that it's over between us and that I'll come by to pick up my stuff. I still have to figure out how to get off the lease and make sure that he can't stiff me for the next 10 months' rent.

I've been crying since I sent the text but my cousin took a sick day from work and I'm trying to surround myself with friends and people who care about me.

He wasn't controlling her or trying to... He was controlling what he'll put up with. Besides she's too old for him to begin with. He needs to enjoy his youth and steer away from commitment for the time being

I mean, I’m 99.9% sure from that naïve comment you just made that you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, and that’s great. But it’s also very clear you don’t know what they’re like so maybe you shouldn’t be commenting on this.

He was gaslighting her, he was trying to flip the problem on her - even though she wasn’t doing anything problematic.

I can see how you might’ve thought that if he never hung out with female friends and never stayed out late. But she said he’d done it just the week before and when she brought it up, he didn’t even admit it was true..,

There are sooo many red flags. And I don’t think there was a single mentioned action of his thatwasnt controlling or trying to be...

Lol. So you asking about him being out late is controlling, but him doing a "Hello Clarice" about your being out late is perfectly normal? Girl, bullet dodged. I'm glad you left, that dude is flaggy as fuck. Talk to your landlord about the lease, and take someone with you when you go to get your stuff.

Exactly. They didn’t get married, they simply started residing together. Somethings that - especially in this day and age with the rent prices being what they are - is becoming more and more popular amongst non-married couples and even just friends, so they can save money!

He never discussed with her he wanted to change their relationship dynamics when living together. And. He’s still going out late with members of the opposite sex!

I hate this. My ex was still legally married, cheated on me at least once, visited his 'female friend' with no warning in a different country (and slept in her bed), amongst other shit, but threw an actual stroppy tantrum when I dropped off an old boyfriend's musical instrument at his friend's house. He sulked for the rest of the day, ruined our expensive spa weekend by complaining and moping, then proceeded to break his sobriety right before my birthday and pass out.

Yep need to be escorted as the police. They won't help move stuff, but will stifle any arguments. They can also ask him to leave until you done and pickup key at their station. Sounds heartless but better safe than sorry. Good luck 🤞

For real. This was my ex bf—totally insecure about my longtime guy friends, staying up late to make sure i “behaved,” while saying it was totally okay for him to have close female friends because “it’s just different.” Bye, Felicia

Right?? I was surprised because he hadn't really shown that many red flags before, but maybe I just missed them.

I already reached out to my landlord and will try to see if I can break the lease, and my cousin and his bouncer friend are going to come with me to get my stuff (hoping my ex didn't destroy any of it). Thank you for the advice!

Yeah, had my last boyfriend constantly on edge about me cheating or leaving him for someone else. Turns out he was secretly engaging with with ex for most of our relationship. OP, good for you for leaving. Stay strong!!!

Ditto, it's surprising how common that is. After we'd broken up but I hadn't been in Facebook yet (and I just wasn't up to the Facebook drama, I kept it as 'I'm in a relationship', I had a few people contact me on Facebook saying that he'd been cheating on me.

(I'd already guessed that anyway, no way was he working over 12(to like 20...) hours some days. The 12/14 hours thing sucked because I'm pretty disabled, some days I was run around, cook, clean, happy go lucky fine, some days, I'm just... not, I'm occasionally paralysed down 1 side of my body for example, I'm always in pain. 1 day I asked him to just quickly leave some food and water on the bed incase I couldn't leave it before he went to work, even when I could move, oftentimes the stairs were too much for me. He left me a drink... just out of my reach at 6am. And came back at 2am. I tried to reach that drink for hours. I minimised it at the time, said it was fine... I said a lot was fine, that in time, I now realise was not 😂.)

Years later, I'm happy, safe and I don't spend hours suffering because I can't reach a drink anymore.

(I'd already guessed that anyway, no way was he working over 12(to like 20...) hours some days. The 12/14 hours thing sucked because I'm pretty disabled, some days I was run around, cook clean, happy gp lucky fine, some I'm... not, I'm occasionally paralysed down 1 side of my body for example. 1 day I asked him to just quickly leave some food and water on the bed incase I couldn't leave. He left me a drink... just out of my reach at 6am. And came back at 2am. I tried to reach that drink for hours. I minimised it at the time, said it was fine... I said a lot was fine, that in time I now realise was not 😂.)

Things are way better now, I'm actually polyamorous, and the 3 of us moved into a nice little bungalow so I didn't have to deal with evils stairs 😂... It kind of exploded last year, but it should be rebuilt soon as I'll be back to planning how to decorate the bedroom! :)

We tend to see part of ourselves in others, or try to find similarities between ourselves and others. This is why cheaters often think everyone else is cheating too, and therefore they get insecure which leads to more cheating on their part and the assumption that their behavior is reflected in everyone else, which leads to them accusing their spouse.

They recognize patterns or signs that, in their own lives, are indications of them cheating, and then they assume that those signs mean that you are cheating as well. For example, maybe on the nights when a person is cheating they tend to push back the time they're going to get home later and later. Then they notice their SO getting back later and later, and recognize that that's what they were doing when they started cheating, so they think it must be evidence. Stuff like that. They're so paranoid about covering up their own behavior they start seeing it in your behavior

"I'm doing this thing so everyone else must be doing it as well! Otherwise I'm a bad person and I can't be a bad person because I'm me... but it's not bad if everyone else is doing the exact same thing! Then it's just normal!"

It's pretty much the mentality that the guilty person knows what they are capable of so they automatically assume the other person is too. Meanwhile the innocent person would never think twice about it, because it's not even an option for them.

The cheater sees how easy it is to do and get away with. Add that in with a hot cup of guilt, its hard for them to see how the other person in the relationship isn't also cheating. It makes them feel better about themselves for cheating while also making them paranoid about every action their partner makes.

“If I’m doing something I know I shouldn’t be doing, I get obsessed with the idea that if I’M hiding it so well and my partner doesn’t have a clue, then how do I know THEY aren’t doing the same to ME? Then I start to look for nonexistent “signs” that they’re doing it, too. Then I start accusing them and calling them out, because I’ve convinced myself they’re duping me the same way I’m duping them.” And the thought of hypocrisy never crosses their mind, because they’re a selfish jackass who only cares about themselves and getting what THEY want.

Often times a cheater will feel better about their actions if the other party is cheating. It’s like when you go out with friends... you might feel guilty getting a bottle of wine when all your friends stick to a cheap option like water. But if everyone else has also gotten more expensive drinks you wouldn’t feel any awkwardness about your getting it.

Socially, people tend to like to feel “normal” so if everyone else is cheating then it’s okay for you to cheat. Thus, cheaters try to make partners and others seem like cheaters.

Essentially it boils down to "I'm doing (x) that is wrong" which then leads to "other person must be doing (x) as well, otherwise I'm the only wrong person, which can't possibly be true". Basically, " I can't be the only person doing a bad thing". Apply it to pretty much anything you can think of.

If others are doing the bad thing, then it makes the primary person doing it "less in the wrong".

Yeah, I wonder about that, but I'm not going to spend too long dwelling on it. I am pretty sure she had a crush on him, but he showed me some texts a while ago where he set some clear boundaries. I don't know what's happened since then, though...

That's what I suspected as well. I mean, people have friends of the opposite sex, but staying out super late and probably alone with said friend of opposite sex and then getting over the top upset when your partner mentions it...Well hello there, cheater.

First, I said probably. Second, they were both fine with it before and he even would stay late with girls, why would his behavior switch ON A DIME. I have a degree in psychology and I can tell you that those are the actions of someone who is projecting... This specific individual may or may not actually be doing it but that is probably the case. So again, it's probable but not definite.

Exactly. People love to jump to conclusions, and hold sexist double standards on here.

If gender roles in this section were reversed:

Fast forward to 12:45 when I get home, and he's sitting in the living room waiting for me a with a cold, menacing look on his face. He told me that my behavior was unacceptable and that I couldn't just stay out as late as I wanted now that we were a real couple and we lived together. I asked him about him staying out with a friend of his last week (who I'm pretty sure has a crush on him), and he totally flipped out on me.

... I've seen it happen, people would be commenting "oh my God, you just invalidated her feelings!" But instead here it's "he's probably cheating".

... I've literally seen it happen, people would be commenting "oh my God, you just invalidated her feelings!" But instead here it's "he's probably cheating".

Of course, he's absolutely cheating. That's the perfect time to make a life changing decision like moving in with your partner.

Speaking of, hard to believe OP would not have an inkling of the bf's "true colors" before making the big decision to live with them, just for it all to crumble 2 months later. There's a lot more going on here.

Maybe... It's also a weird time to freak out on her like that. To turn into a paranoid mess. Literally waiting for her because she was 15 minutes passed her estimated arrival time. He doesn't own her, and expecting her to change because they are "more serious now" is ridiculous. They had these friendships AND these outings already established prior to moving in. If he was any sort of a mentally healthy individual, he would have brought it up as something he wanted to work on together. Not sitting in the dark. Waiting.

He displayed severe issues regarding mentality. Love can do that to a person, but so can lies and deceit.

Of course this is all pending whether OP has been truthful with us. While we are all strangers in each other's lives I don't see how lying would benefit OP too much aside from getting some fake internet points and a stranger's approval.

This whole situation stinks. I'm sorry. The one that I really want to bring your attention to is that he clearly has a double standard system. I know you know this... because you mentioned it to him. I'm only reminding you, because sometimes when we're incredibly sad, we end up getting back into relationships that aren't good for us in the long run, but feel good in the moment (speaking from experience). So, the double standard and the controlling issues are things that I want you to remember when he is nice again, because I'm sure he will be (and not in a nefarious way), there's good in everyone, but saying nice things, but believing in a double standard and ultimately being controlling aren't things you can nice away.

Thanks for the support! I appreciate the reminder...I've spent a lot of time today wavering and thinking about texting him and asking if we can maybe try again, but then I remember that abuse is a cycle and I don't want to fall into that trap.

No problem! It’s a tough situation. Another thing that might help you when you’re wavering is that YOU can’t “fix” him. If he sees the controlling/double standard issue as a problem and comes to you and says that he wants to fix it... that’s a different issue. Maybe it’s genuine, maybe not, but anything like this the need/want to change has to originate from him otherwise the likelihood of change is incredibly small.

Stay strong OP. It's the menacing, its the calling your behaviour controlling (when its his that is controlling), its the constant calls to check up on you, etc.

​

If you go back he now knows that you will accept it. You'll start coming home earlier to avoid the constant rows, you'll stop seeing your friends, etc etc. This is a classic abuse tactic - isolation, escalation once some serious milestone happens (moving in, wedding, kids are all common "he suddenly changed" milestones). Honestly - this is only the start. Don't go back to him. And have someone with you when you get your stuff!

Definitely talk to the landlord directly. Breakups happen and they're usually willing to work with you. Also depending on where you are primary tenant vs secondary tenant(s) can impact. Split tenancy vs joint tenancy.

She might not be able to sublet, but she can force a break in the agreement, or get the ex to agree to take all responsibility (or leave if he won't buy out her portion of the security deposit).

I signed a lease on a smaller apartment in the same complex which excluded me from being responsible on the original lease. They would rather have 2 small leases, than have to go after lost rent and court costs.

This. I've seen a redditor recently whose daughter was murdered last year by her boyfriend because she went to get stuff from his apartment and break up with him. These people are unpredictable and angry. Take someone with you

It's good that your broke up with him that is controlling behaviour just because your in a relationship doesn't mean you have to give up your friendships and your life just to please him and he actually sounded like an asshole I know right now it hurts because breaking up is never easy but you did the right thing for yourself I dealt with someone like this in the past and it's so controlling and dysfunctional I remember when I was on Facebook and I literally spent one night just talking to my friends he would flip out at me the next day he also tried to force me to invite him to family functions when I said no that I was prioritizing only my family for 3 days he would go nuts at me so yeah I finally told him that I was done

I'm sorry this happened, but glad he showed you his true colors so soon in. The one-two punch of controlling behavior PLUS the double-standard is classic misogyny. It hurts now, but you dodged a major bullet here.

he's sitting in the living room waiting for me a with a cold, menacing look on his face.

wow, my parents weren't even this fucking creepy when i had curfew issues as a teenager. also calling you controlling for asking about him doing the exact same thing he's yelling at you over? cry now because he's not the person you might've thought he was, but recognize too that you've dodged a huge bullet. ♥

Just curious: Why are neither of you inviting each other out with friends of the opposite sex? I used to think this was okay and then, for some reason, my opinion changed. I don't want my SO giving the appearance of being on a date with someone who isn't me. I suppose I'm just not secure enough.

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened. Both people need to be OK with what's going on or it just can't work.

He very clearly set a precedent of going out alone with opposite gender friends (and in his case, one that isn’t necessarily platonic).

He has NO right to do something and flip put on her for doing the same (and her friend doesn’t even noticeably have a crush on her, from her account).

You don’t get to change the rules once you’ve moved in together without having that conversation. He handled this in a very toxic and possessive way from the beginning. I would not expect your advice to get him to act better.

Yes, but they both clearly do this and I was asking why. I think he acted terribly and hypocritical, but at the root my question is the same. I would not be OK with this kind of arrangement, period. He is an idiot for doing it and then flipping out on her for doing the same thing, but I have no idea why people in relationships do this *period* if they are serious about their partners. I did it in my late teens (30 now). I had a coworker ask me to go grab a drink when I was about 24/25 (backstory: he'd asked me out when we met, but I told him I had a boyfriend but was open to friendship). I asked permission from my (now ex-) boyfriend and he was not OK with it. I didn't go. Looking back, I'm mortified I even asked; I would never put a SO in that position again. My intentions were platonic, of course. Even so, I hurt my SO for even considering it.

1 am is not late for many people. And it’s certainly not filled with “god knows what”. I’ve done my taxes, grocery shopped, made dinner, caught up with friends, done laundry and more banal innocent things at 1am.

I’d quit with the pearl clutching. It’s a bad look for you.

(Eta) It’s also pretty well known that people cheat on their partners and do other fucked up stuff in daylight.

Yes because doing your taxes and other mundane things is on par with drinking with a friend of the opposite gender till 1. Even if it is not explicitly "cheating" that is just plain disrespectful and not something a committed partner does.

It is in mine. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and we’re happy. I’ve never cheated (and never would), and I’ve never been concerned about him cheating. I trust him, and he trusts me. Two of my best friends since high school are guys. My husband has never once questioned me hanging out with them one-on-one or given any indication that he is bothered by it. Even if it’s late, we’re drinking, whatever (I saw cuddling mentioned above though and we definitely don’t do that). I adore both of their wives (one of them is actually my old roommate), and they don’t seem to have a problem with it either. Of course we all hang out together with spouses present a lot too.

I have many friends in marriages that are cool with friendships like this. In terms of my closest friends, I’d say the vast majority are.

Like I said, I don't know anyone in a relationship who thinks it's OK (that includes coworkers). You say many of your friends are/do. It's a personal choice. I am not OK with it and would not be married to someone who was.

Fair enough. I was just pointing out that there are a lot of people that feel differently, since you said you didn’t know any, and there’s nothing wrong with that, just as there’s nothing wrong with you setting different boundaries in your relationship. Your last sentence is exactly how I would feel about being with someone that couldn’t trust me or that I couldn’t trust to be alone with another woman.

I'm with you on this. A serious relationship shouldnt involve one on one time with someone of the opposite sex (I'd include same sex, but I only have an opinion about hetero when it comes to this).

I think there are 3 types of people. People who really just think nothing of hanging out one on one with the opposite sex as platonic friends- usually young people-, people who think it's strange and borderline inappropriate, and cheaters.

If (now ex) BF hadn't shown those other red flags, I'd say they were just incompatible. She thinks nothing of it and he does. Its possible he just had no idea that she hung out that much or that long with guy friends when they weren't living together. It sounded like a few times at least, she didn't answer her phone while she was out with Male friend (which would be a red flag for him) or tell him where she was, if I'm not mistaken. Both kinda no-nos in serious relationships. It plants the seed of suspicion that something else is going on and it's inconsiderate. Its possible that he did expect a deeper level of commitment once they moved in, because in my opinion, that's kind of the natural progression of relationships. All of that hinged on ex BF not being a hypocrite and handling it very very poorly though.

And if both people are in agreement with this weird dynamic, more power to them. Obviously, one feels he can hang out with chicks solo and then gets mad when his SO hangs out with a guy. All of this really could have been avoided if:

One partner wasn't a hypocrite (him) or

Both people actively included their SOs in outings with the opposite sex

"I think there are 3 types of people. People who really just think nothing of hanging out one on one with the opposite sex as platonic friends- usually young people-, people who think it's strange and borderline inappropriate, and cheaters." NAILED IT.

When I did this, I was young and inconsiderate of my partners' feelings (they were not happy with the situation, but not controlling).

I'd also venture that OP's boyfriend is just really immature. He's 26, she's 33; that's a seven-year difference. They got together when he was 24 and she was 31. As a 30-year-old, I wouldn't even think about dating anyone younger than 27 as I know what I'd be in for (this immature BS he's putting her through right here).

If I’m hanging out with a friend that I haven’t seen in a long time, I’m probably going to do it by myself so we can catch up without my SO feeling like a third wheel. It’s not healthy to need to chaperone your SO’s visits with others, or to expect them to do the same. It’s great to hang out as a group, but people also need individual friendships outside of their romantic relationship.

Why does it matter what the appearance of your SO hanging out with someone else is? If you know that it’s a platonic friendship, there’s nothing to be worried about. You’re correct in thinking your insecurities are playing into your judgment here.

I don't spend time with my male friends alone when I'm in a relationship; it's just not necessary. I wouldn't want a partner who did it, either. If I can't talk to my male friend about it in front of my boyfriend, then it's probably inappropriate. I caught up with guy friends from high school in a group with my ex-boyfriend present. I didn't feel robbed of catching up and I don't imagine my ex felt like a third wheel because he was included.

It's just personal preference. That's not the kind of relationship I want.'

EDIT: To acknowledge the down votes from people who are insecure about disrespecting their SOs, haha.

If I can’t talk to my male friend about it in front of my boyfriend, then it’s probably inappropriate

Or maybe it’s just none of his business? The stuff I talk I about with my friends of all genders would be boring af to an SO.

I never said it’s the kind of relationship you should prefer - you brought up being insecure, I agreed you’re probably right about that. You can do as you please, but I can guarantee that it’s not automatically inappropriate to talk to men when you’re in a relationship. Maybe it is for you, and there are others in this thread who agree with you, but it’s not the case for everyone.

I don't think that attitude can exist in a healthy relationship. Every time this subject is broached, there's always someone who gets extremely defensive. I didn't say it's inappropriate to talk to men while in a relationship. Going out to dinner/hanging one-on-one/snuggling in bed/whatever else you think you can't do in front of your SO? I don't know. That's just totally disrespectful in my opinion. Everyone has a right to do as s/he pleases, though. This kind of behavior only works if you're in a relationship with someone who does the same stuff and isn't a hypocrite about it. If I had a SO who thought what he and some chick had to discuss on a private outing was "none of my business," guaranteed he would no longer be my SO. People who are in these kinds of relationships need someone who sees things exactly the same or it will never be productive.

I can't really say for sure how I'd feel, because I am 100% straight. I once had a partner put me in an uncomfortable situation with a guy he was minimally involved with in the past (I am 100% straight/person in question was just slightly more fluid) and I didn't like it. I hope that answers your question somewhat.

Not really. The question is - as you consider it inappropriate to hang out one on one with the person of the opposite sex because there might be attraction involved - how, in your opinion, should a bisexual person behave so as not to be inappropriate? Should they nevee hang out with anyone except for their SO one on one?

If this is what you think is extremely defensive, I’m not sure what to tell you, other than that’s maybe part of your problem here.

You can be open with an SO and still not want to share the details of certain things with them at certain times. Maybe it’s a heavy topic you’re trying to figure out the best way to discuss (like past trauma, or family problems, or health issues) and you need someone else’s input. Maybe it’s something that bores your SO to death (maybe their eyes glaze over whenever you mention the details of your Pokémon Go escapades - I might know this one from experience, hah). Maybe it’s something that you just want to keep between friends, like old in-jokes that won’t make sense to anyone else. Maybe it’s something as mundane as a work incident where you’re restricted by confidentiality agreements so you can’t share it with your SO (also know that from experience).

It really is okay not to share every detail of your life with your SO. It’s when you intentionally keep secrets that it becomes a problem, and you seem to think that anything you don’t share with an SO is that kind of harmful secret, and I think that’s where we’re talking past each other.

Also, where on earth did I mention snuggling in bed?? That’s definitely not on the same level as going out to dinner. And I go out to dinner with friends of all genders because a) I like food and b) I like my friends so they go well together. I definitely do not snuggle in bed with all of my friends, though.

So you hang out with your male friends, alone or otherwise, right until you start dating someone then stop? Are you non-platonic with these males, because that’s the only thing I would consider disrespectful to an SO, is if you were hanging out alone with someone you were intimate with. For guy friends that are platonic, it makes no sense to me why they are suddenly off limits because you’re dating someone. I have four very close male friends. One is single, two are married, and one is currently engaged soon to be married. I hang out with them the exact same way I did when I was single because my boyfriend has no interest in either changing the platonic relationships in my life or controlling what I do. He’s not insecure enough to have to know every single conversation I have with my friends and have to be present every time I’m around a man.

Well, yeah, that is insecurity. If my boyfriend has come in and said that I can’t hang out with my close male friends (who are almost all in relationships of their own) unless he was there and involved, we would not have lasted. Privacy and respect is important in a relationship. I don’t consider myself the only important female relationship my boyfriend is allowed to have, and I don’t feel the need to know every single thing he discusses with other people. My boyfriend agrees. We trust each other in that we aren’t going to suddenly cheat if we are alone with someone else.

I refuse to drop friends or treat people I’ve known for years and have always been platonic with because a man feels like he should be involved in every single aspect of my life.

You've made a whole lot of assumptions here. I never said I expect to be the only important female relationship my SO has, but I should be the most important (well, aside from a mother or sister, of course). I have never dropped a male friend because I was in a relationship. I don't hang out with my male friends one-on-one when I'm single or in a relationship. It's usually a group outing and my ex was always invited.

I don't want my SO having "privacy" with another woman, as that's not respectful in my opinion. I'm not saying if your friend confides in you, you should spill their business to your SO. If my SO "need privacy" alone with a female friend, I'd have to wonder why. I don't need "privacy" with any of my male friends in any way, shape, or form. Luckily, I've always dated people who were in agreement on this.

I agree with others to speak with your landlord/leasing office directly and see what your options are.

Not to add salt to the wound but in the future maybe consider not signing a joint lease with someone you’ve never lived with before. My SO & I didn’t both sign a lease until we’d lived together for a few years already. One of you can always pay the other rent. It shouldn’t be something that causes unease in the relationship but everyone’s situation is different I suppose.

It’s easy for us to say as the people who aren’t dealing with the logistical details, but you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF than you would be if you’d been trying to crush yourself into a little box of “acceptable behavior.” You maintained your wider social circle, and that was by far the best choice.

To quote someone wiser than me, “this may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.” Raising a glass to you tonight, and all of the new adventures you’re going to have :)

Had the same issue with an ex of mine. Everything was cool before we moved in together and then he did a 180 and started to act all weird when we lived together. When I talked to him he said that it's different now that we are living together, that he worried about me more now that we have a mutual place to go to. I thought it was endearing because it was nice that he was worried about me!

​

Boy was I wrong! He, like your ex, did a double standard. Not only would he stay out for hours, but he would sneak off in the morning while I was sleeping. It wasn't until later that I found out that he went to hang out with friends that he has had sex with in the past! As much as I wanted to believe that they did nothing (he swears up and down that nothing happened and that they are just friends), in the end, he not only cheated on me but got a girl pregnant when we were taking a "break" from living together. DO NOT GET BACK WITH YOUR EX!

Better to be out the 10 months rent than to deal with someone like that! You definitely just saved yourself a whole lot of heartache, confusion and stress!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m so so happy you recognized the signs early and called it quits!
Please oh please stay strong and do not go back to him! Ever!

Why wouldn’t you guys just invite each other to these activities. I trust my s/o but I wouldn’t like if she was out with a guy friend drinking till 1am and it was just them, that’s like a date right lol? Why is that normal for your relationship? Just communicate and do more with each other, but it’s too late now I guess

Just because I’m close to someone doesn’t mean my partner is. I may go out with a friend of the opposite sex for a check in about how their life is going, relationships, work etc - and it’s not assumed that’s information they’d candidly share with my partner or the other way around.

I'm just trying to be objective here, but was there a particular reason your bf may have wanted you home earlier? For example, if this was my fiance out with a friend, and I had work the next day, I would probably ask her to be home at a decent time. I wake up super early and being a light sleeper, it could impact my next work day. Luckily, she has a similar work schedule so this has never come up.

Overall, I'd trust your gut. His double standards are very alarming, and it doesn't sound like the scenario above was even in play if he was waiting for you like that.

If you do have work it out with him, please keep your guard up. It sounds like he lured you in, and I wouldn't be surprised if he convinces/manipulates you to give him another chance.

You saved yourself in the long run! I was out til 3 in the morning with my friends and even his and the next morning he just asked what time I got home because he was peacefully sleeping when I arrived home. This is what normal is girl, and you deserve that too.

I wonder if all the people in this thread who are being very negative about your "inappropriate behavior" know that saying that their SO would never be in a situation where something could happen means that they potentially don't actually trust their SO.

If you lock an arsonist in a steel box it doesn't mean you trust them not to burn your house down.

I asked him about him staying out with a friend of his last week (who I'm pretty sure has a crush on him), and he totally flipped out on me. He told me that it wasn't fair for me to always be hounding him (I never have a problem with him going out with his friends), that I was being controlling, and that this behavior couldn't continue.

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Wow! That's quite the act he's got going there. I guess you know what he was doing when he stays out late now. Honestly, OP, I would go get tested.

I know you're hurting and I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be a decent person, but you deserve better and I'm sure you'll find someone who will respect you.

Call up the landlord/manager and tell them what's happened (that you've moved out) and ask about your options. I would also restrict communication with your ex to written form (text/email) so you have a paper trail.

I’m very very happy that you had the foresight to break up with him now. I’m sorry it happened this way and that he waited until you moved in together to show his true self, but you’re absolutely making the right choice. I hope you can get all the lease stuff straightened out. Stay safe.

I get a feeling this guy had a sleazy father. This sounds like some kind of 80s "women in the kitchen" type mentality with him treating you like property that needs permission to be out after midnight.

the way he’s acting definitely sounds like he was projecting onto you. aka, he was probably cheating or doing shady shit and to get the guilt off of himself, projected his actions onto you. good riddance. you made the right decision.

I’m so proud of you. Almost no one ever gets out the first try. Congratulations for being one of the lucky ones. Please don’t go back. Promise yourself that you won’t and remember that you are loved! You have friends. You have family. You are not alone.

In my experience (and you say one of his friend has a crush on him so it's convincing me even more) such distrust happens when the person itself isn't a 100% faithful (not necessarily meaning of actively cheating but having thought that he wouldn't want you to have for example...)
The fact that he turns things around and projects his behavior on you (controling behavior) and that he's allowed to go out late but you aren't isn't OK and I think you did well to leave him as it probably wouldn't have gotten any better.

Not sure where you are, but a lot of states have lease breaking waived for abusive relationships. Talk to the office and explain, maybe they will see the writing on the walls and help you out. A restraining order wouldn't hurt either.

At 11PM, my boyfriend called me and told me that I needed to be home soon.

Yeah, that's how someone I know's really abusive relationship started. Adults do not have a curfew! Children do! So if he thinks he's in a relationship with a child, or someone with a child-like mind, that is not a good thing!

Adults are equals. You are his equal. Not his teenage kid that he is having sex with.

I'm sorry about that. I used to say these things to my ex, and I regret it, I'm going through a huge effort to change, even though she did cheat on me. When you lose trust in someone, you can't really force yourself into it again.

Anyway, trust is at the core of every relationship. When there's no trust, respect, and admiration, there is no relationship. I'm really sorry, I know how hard it is.

20 months of rent will be ok in the long run. The way he said " were a real couple now" like makes me think he was freaked out about being a "real couple." You could try to see what's up and what that means to him

I’m going to be the odd one out here and question why you’re in a seemingly serious relationship and are coming home late at night after being out drinking with other man who isn’t your boyfriend. I don’t agree that it’s respectful at all.

Regardless, you made the right decision in breaking up because you clearly view a relationship different from each other. There’s always the red flags to look out for in controlling and abusive behavior, but if my bf was out late drinking with another woman who wasn’t me, I’d be doing the dumping. Expectations weren’t, as it seems, communicated from the jump. You two are way too different when it comes to how you view relationships. I wouldn’t be okay being your boyfriend. Glad it worked out for the both of you. You didn’t align at all. No one here is the bad guy. Just incompatible.

I think a major point is being missed regardless how long you been in a relationship it’s just not worth the issues to have a best friend of the opposite sex! Majority of the time that person is just chasing you and you giving them the opportunity is just making it worse! Find a friend in your boyfriend first then plan activities between the friends together so your partner can be more comfortable and decide if they’re a legitimate friend or just waiting for the opportunity to swoop in!! Just a thought!

You did everything right. He could have tried to control you for years and got you in a place where you couldn't easily leave. You are very brave to call him on his bullshit and show him you wouldn't easily be used. That was all you.

Things may feel terrible right now, but you have no idea how much future pain you've been spared by ending this toxic relationship.

I live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. It blows my mind that he felt like by simply living together, that gave him the authority to tell you how to live your life, like some kind of parent figure. Hell, even if he OWNED the space you are living in, he still wouldn't be right to tell you what to do and when you can be with your friends. Bullet DODGED.

For the record, this is comment is not a justification for your boyfriend's actions. I may only offer my interpretation.

OP's boyfriend may be expressing himself in an unhealthy way despite really caring for OP. Idk why people encourage the habit of being quick to end a relationship. You built a relationship with someone; is it not worth at least briefly communicating in person before declaring that you are ending the union? That's just how I see it. If you believe that there is no need for discussion and you just want to end it then proceed with your choice. It's your life and I honor that. But consider that we have all displayed some form of unhealthy actions and generally it isn't what we genuinely intend, it's just a reaction/miscommunication. Heck, maybe even immaturity. Depends on the person or situation. In this particular situation, I wouldn't immediately end things, I'd initiate a conversation to get to the bottom of things. I'd communicate as reasonably as possible, too. Try to, at least. If then I recognized that it wasn't worth the grief, I would abort.

I've learned this now after putting up with my (f/24) ex boyfriend's (m/24) bullshit for 7 years. I realized I need to communicate better, sometimes it's not worth immediately leaving, and sometimes you just need to abort quickly and surely.

My only encouragement here is, for future references, is to communicate before you burn a bridge. As long as it's not a safety issue, of course.

Yeah gonna have to side with boyfriend on this one, maybe I'm old fashioned but that would be absolutely unacceptable behavior to me and I'd never dream of doing that to my partner. All aboard the downvote train, doot-doot!

Clearly she tried to have a conversation with him and rather than talking he became defensive and started yelling. Perfectly fine grounds for calling it quits. Don’t you dare raise your voice to me and expect me to be perfectly fine with it.

When someone has become abusive and controlling—yes. I’d rather cancel on 2 years than spend the rest of my life being miserable and kicked around by a bully. What an odd way to think of relationships. It’s called the Sunk Cost Fallacy and it’s never a good idea. Don’t feel like you have to stick with a shitty relationship just because you’ve been in it for awhile.

I have worked out many issues with my husband. If he started treating me like a disobedient dog who piddled on the carpet, every time I don’t obey his commands? That’s not an issue I want to work out. I’m worth more than that.

Lol This girl is a trip, staying out till midnight having drinks with a guy friend... and she expects her boyfriend to be cool with that? Her boyfriend dodged a bullet with this one. And she reposted this because it didn’t get enough attention the last time? Unreal

I asked him about him staying out with a friend of his last week (who I'm pretty sure has a crush on him), and he totally flipped out on me. He told me that it wasn't fair for me to always be hounding him (I never have a problem with him going out with his friends), that I was being controlling, and that this behavior couldn't continue.

Check your country/state laws, but in some states in the US, if u apply for a temporary protection order and email it to the company that owns ur building, they have to let u off the lease without a fee.

He dodged a Major red flag. You went out with a guy friend after midnight drinking. Wow that’s pretty unexceptionable unless it’s a movie. You went out with him to get even with him going out with a female a week prior. Sound very immature and shouldn’t have been playing house

Good on you for dumping him since apparently he can do it and you can't. But staying out that late with a "friend" would be a red flag for me too, i dont blame him for how he felt about it, but he most likely flipped out like that due to a guilty conscience. Though if you have a boyfriend, there's no need to be out late having drinks with another guy

Why? My boyfriend and I hang out with other gendered friends all the time, together and separate, and because we are adults and trust each other it’s never been an issue. We have an actually healthy relationship. In my view, wanting to keep your significant other from doing platonic things because you’re worried or don’t like the way it looks is a red flag.

I think the definition of "platonic" is different for everyone, obviously.

Maybe you would be OK with your boyfriend having drinks alone with a woman until 1:00 a.m. and think that's totally platonic, but not everyone agrees-- sorry. I know you want to frame it like we are controlling freaks who don't believe in friendships of the opposite sex, but I know more people who DON'T spend alone time with members of the opposite sex than people who DO.

If you feel entitled to dictate who your partner spends time with without discussion and feel entitled to lecture others on following your made-up rules designed to coddle your insecurities, then yes, you are a control freak, sorry.

I don't need to "dictate," because I've never dated anyone who was OK with this. When someone has the same values you do and upholds them, you don't need to be a "control freak." If I had a partner who was hanging out one-on-one with another woman, he wouldn't be my partner; I wouldn't waste my time trying to "control" someone with a different set of values, we would just be completely incompatible.

THANK YOU. I looked through so many comments before I found this. My last relationship, she was cool with hanging out with guys alone even after I told her I was uncomfortable with it, but my current relationshipwe are on the same page that it is inappropriate to be hanging out with someone of the opposite sex alone if you are in a relationship. We both agree that it's no big deal to talk to the other sex, but hanging out alone is too far. That alone makes me have no doubt about her and it's so much easier to trust her and not have to worry about anything anymore.

Of course if I had an amazing girlfriend I would trust her with my life. But for the girlfriend to take advantage of this to be out alone with guys and do things that any other person would normally get jealous over is just selfish. No matter how much you trust your partner, there will always be a little tiny voice saying "what if s/he's cheating right now?" The best thing an amazing girlfriend would do would be to not get in those situations at all.

No matter how much you trust your partner, there will always be a little tiny voice saying "what if s/he's cheating right now?"

Um, no. Having actual trust in your partner and being secure in your relationship means that that little voice doesn't exist. I feel sorry for people who go through their whole lives and every relationship feeling this way.

This will be downvoted... I have no desire to hangout with someone of the opposite sex. Unless it has to do with business, there is 0 reason for me to spend time with a guy. Those are the boundaries I create, but this is all dependent on what you want out of a relationship.

I find it really sad that you can only see men as potential sexual partners instead of just humans to be friends with. I have so many wonderful male friends. My life would be so much emptier if I refused to be their friend just because of the arbitrary fact that they have a penis and I have a vagina.

I’m also bisexual, so by your logic, I shouldn’t have any friends at all. Very sad way to see the world.

Erm, men are not one hive-mind species. They’re, you know, people. All kinds of different people. Many of them are great people who make great friends. I love hanging out with my husband. I also love hanging out with my friends who are not my husband. I often love hanging out with all of them at the same time. It’s lovely and healthy and good to have various relationships with all kinds of different people.

I find it odd and sad that you “would never want to go through” the experience of your husband hanging out with a friend. On a Friday night (whatever that means—are Friday nights some kind of magical time when you’re more likely to drop your pants for someone else?). It doesn’t sound like there’s much trust in your marriage if you can’t have friends without worrying that you’ll fuck them, or worrying that your husband will fuck his friends if he’s left unsupervised.

You also didn’t address the bisexuality part. So, you believe I should never have any friends ever, and that my only friend and support should be my husband? That’s incredibly unhealthy and a great way to tank a marriage.

I’m not a “victim” of anything here lol, I’m “allowed” to have any friends I want outside my marriage. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was just pointing out the logical flaws in the argument, here. I am attracted to both men and women. What’s the solution then? Not hang out with anyone?

The point is that people who make arguments about not having friends of the opposite gender conveniently seem to forget that queer people exist. Maybe because it invalidates their outmoded sense of propriety and outrage?

Bisexual people often point out this flaw during this kind of conversation—not because we feel victimised (quite the opposite), but because it points out a serious flaw in the belief that men and women cannot and should not be platonic friends. The silence on that point speaks volumes—the logic doesn’t transfer when you can’t come up with a good reason for why women can’t be friends with men but can be friends with women, even if you’re attracted to both. Because it’s not about gender or sex. It’s about jealousy, lack of trust, and hypocritical value systems.

I reserve the right to find it sad and rather pathetic that any couple would put a kibosh on having opposite sex friends because apparently there’s so little trust in the marriage that you can’t “let” your spouse hang out with someone without worrying they’re going to bang.

Sorry your relationships require so much scrutiny, but don’t take it out on me.

Dont know what to tell you about your situation dude. It's more about respect for your partner and not even being in a situation where the trust could be broken. My girlfriend has guy friends that she works with and when she has to take classes for work with other guys that we dont work with. They talk in class and text occasionally. No big deal. But she herself said that it would be inappropriate for her to hang out alone with them. That it would be disrespectful to me. It's super convenient that we both have that view and even though I trust her, that in itself adds an entirely different layer of trust that i dont know how to explain.

I dunno, have you never met any men who you thought were cool people, who you had things in common with, and who you didn't want to bang? I have male friends for the same exact reason I have female friends--we have things in common and we enjoy each other's company on a platonic level.

No one NEEDS male friends. But, like. What do you NEED female friends for then? This is not to say you are not entitled to your personal boundaries--you certainly are. I guess I just don't understand how your very personal (and extreme) views on this issue are relevant or helpful to OP, who clearly does not feel the same way. Having friends of both genders is good for your sense of empathy, as it gives you the opportunity to learn from experiences that are different than your own, much the way having friends from different places, different cultures and different backgrounds is good for developing a well-rounded world view.

I personally feel that in my own marriage, this is a non-issue because we trust each other, and so don't suffer from petty insecurity over normal, healthy friendships. Or, if we do, we just discuss them directly and make a game plan for future behavior that we're both comfortable with. I actually think I'd think much less of my husband if he ever told me that he is specifically disinterested in being friends with women because he doesn't see what he could possibly get out of it, and will only associate with them out of professional necessity.

I don’t get this at all... maybe because I’m bisexual? Do you think I should not be alone with anyone who is not my husband? I get the same things out of my friendships with men and women... friendship.

I’ll stand by you in this opinion whole heartedly. I’m married, and if my husband tried to go out to drink with a friend who was a girl and stay out until past midnight, I’d have his bags packed up and ready by the time he got home.

Because there being a male friend you are not physically or romantically interested in whom you like and care for so much that you'd rather spend your Friday night alone at the bar with them rather than with your husband or with him there as well is reasonable

Also, my husband doesn’t ever tell me when I need to be home (and vice versa) unless we have a specific thing planned. (Remember to be home by 6, we have to do XYZ by 8). He ASKS me when I plan to be home, and to text him if anything changes so he doesn’t worry.

It's normal for some people. It sounds like it was considered normal within their relationship before they moved in together--moving in shouldn't automatically dramatically alter the "rules" of the relationship, and it's a red flag when it does.

It also sounds like OP's friendships outside of her relationship are important to her, and that giving them up is not an accomodation she is willing to make for a partner, and I actually think that is OK to have as a personal sticking point, even though it may limit her options for partners (not everyone would be OK with this set-up, and that's ok, too). There is nothing objectively wrong with hanging out one on one with friends when you're in a relationship, unless you're being shady. Even late at night--plenty of people cheat during the day, if they're going to cheat, so I don't see why the lateness (especially when communicated in advance) is relevant.

Now, he doesn't HAVE to be comfortable with this, and that would be OK, too--many people would not be comfortable with this, but what puts him in the wrong here is his hypocrisy. I do agree that regardless, this is a good reason to break up. Even if he weren't engaging in double standards, and never hung out 1 on 1 with his female friends, there would still be the issue of mismatched expectations and desires for personal freedom.

Exactly. My girlfriend and I have talked and both decided that for us it would be inappropriate to be hanging out with someone of the opposite sex alone. It's just what we want and have talked about. Nothing wrong with that. Shes allowed to have guy friends and I'm allowed to have female friends. But to us, it's not cool to be out with them alone.

Lmao that’s funny. Communication leads to trust which you clearly do not have. Trusting one another and being comfortable with them spending time with friends is not a lack of communication. Maybe see a couple’s counselor.

Our relationship is perfect and I literally couldnt ask for anything better. The amount of communication about stuff like that is why the trust is so strong. You have to consider how your partner feels. And relationships are about making sacrifices. Again, I feel sorry for you if you dont have that kind of relationship. After my last relationship, it's such a relief to have someone with the same ideals and morals that you have.

Your ex probably left you because you were being controlling and wouldn’t let her spend time with her FRIENDS. A relationship should NOT mean having to sever friendships. How long have you been with this new girl?? And you’re 21? Reconsider your ways when it ends.

It seems you’re overly defensive about this topic of conversation (huh I wonder why eyeroll jealousy/trust problems) so there’s no point in wasting time trying to change your opinion.

Yeah, people who’ve been married for many years certainly don’t know what a real relationship is like! An SO acting like they should be able to spend time with their own friends is soooo unrealistic. /s

Yes it is. Not nightly but on occasion, yes. Getting married or moving in together DOES NOT sequester your life. Having a healthy life includes friends and having friends means you hang out and hanging out can mean, gasp, staying out until really late/early.

The only difference between hanging out when married/cohabiting, is communicating and moderation. You now have to let someone else know you are going out and need to keep that person on the loop about changes to destination and return time. Also, you need to ensure this is not happening so often that it is being disrespectful to your SO.

But no, it isn't abnormal to have friends when in a relationship of any status or degree.