Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There are endless options for going out on the town. When you come to NY for Season 8, here's a little intel tip: most New Yorkers live and die by their ZAGAT Survey book for all entertainment decisions. To help you understand what a ZAGAT Survey looks like, we've composed an example covering you:

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

With all the talk of you coming to NYC next season, I figure it's time we start your Big Apple education with something all New Yorkers know and love- the knish. The knish is usually a mashed potato-filled, baked or fried portable treat. In addition to being a delicious snack, a knish has some counter-terror purposes as well:

A knish can be used to subdue an adversary. Throw the knish at any vulnerable spot- the eyes, nose or crotch preferably (it's a hefty little sucker).

A knish can flip over a high-speed vehicle. Place the knish under a wheel of a speeding car and watch that poor sunovabitchwipeout.

A knish can be used as a bomb. The exact ingredients are a mystery to this writer, but imagine a knish exploding all over your face. Hot. Potato. Pain.

A knish can give you street cred. If doesn't matter your ethnicity or what you do for a living- if you're rolling down the street munching on a knish, New Yorkers will give you respect-- you potato-loving badass.

A knish can exhaust your opponent's water supply. You've got a bad guy pinned down, but he's thinking of outlasting you. What do you do? Throw him a knish and watch him flail about uncontrollably when he becomes parched by this moisture-soaking delight. He'll be screaming for Doc Brown's Cream Soda in minutes.

We're just scratching the surface, folks. A knish is the culinary equivalent of duct tape.

Monday, May 25, 2009

As many of you know, Season 8 of "24" will be taking place in New York City. Now, I know it's a TV show and a pretty fast-moving one at that, but I have a little wish-list of things I'd like Jack and/or other characters to experience while spending a whole day here in the Big Apple:

1) Jack Needs To Stop At Katz's Deli: I know that Jack doesn't sleep, go to the bathroom or eat during a "day" on "24" but how the heck can you pass up the best deli in NYC? Service is very fast at Katz's, just make sure you know what you want beforehand. And truly, there's only one sandwich you need to get- the pastrami on rye with mustard. You'll be chasing down terrorists with the best cured-beef imaginable in your tummy.

2) Jack Needs To Stay Away From The Port Authority Bus Terminal: Look, Jack has faced the baddest of the bad over the years. He has died several times, withstood nuclear explosions and lots and lots of bone-crushing beatings. But Jack, take it from someone who's been there, the Port Authority Bus Terminal is a hell-hole. Do not go there. And definitely don't get a ham & brie sandwich from the Hudson News stand. And definitely don't eat it if you do... (blech).

3) Take The "Wormhole" Tunnel: At the South-most end of Manhattan Island, there's a tunnel that connects the West Side highway to the East Side Drive- this is the most important thing I can tell you people running "24"- use this road. It's the only legitimate way to get characters from one side of town to the other. It will cut 15 minutes off your commute. I know you had characters beating D.C. traffic very easily, and that's fine because nobody gives a crap about that plot convenience. But NYC traffic is a freakin' institution. You cannot ignore it. Use the "Wormhole"- you'll have your 5 minute commutes and they'll be realistic.

4) Make Sure It Isn't St. Patrick's Day: Seriously- NYC is an unbearable mess on St. Paddy's Day. First off, you got the parade, which will destroy any chance of getting anywhere. Next, you've got all of the high school/college kids from Long Island and Jersey coming in to get loaded. NYC becomes a thousand times more aggravating than usual on this day. I would let the terrorists try and deal with that crap on their own- they may agree that it's too aggravating a day and go home on their own.

5) Talk To The "Nuts For Nuts" Pushcart Guy: He sells delicious peanuts coated in sugar because he knows a few things about the world. He is a good person. Seek out his wisdom.

6) Buy An Al Pacino/"Scarface" Sketch In Times Square: That's a purchase that seems fun for about ten seconds, right? They might have some Jack Bauer sketches too, I'll check next time I'm there.

7) Scout The OTB on 44th and 7th Ave: I used to work on that side of town, and at lunch I'd go to the OTB and place a couple of small bets on that day's horse races. Well, let me tell you something, the place was crawling with criminal activity. You've got a huge reservoir of snitches and state's evidence sitting in that dingy little joint.

8) Incorporate... The "Mob": Hey, I'm not saying there is a mafia... but let's say for entertainment's sake you want the full NYC experience. Do it right by including a Vinnie, Joey or Frankie. Just one "howyadoin'?" is all I ask. But seriously, there's like NO proof at all that there's a mafia...

9) Jack Has To Meet The Mayor: There's a long-running trend in entertainment where a hero has to plead his or her case to the Mayor of New York. The Mayor is kind of a mythical being in fiction- the wise, cranky, petulant and all-powerful ruler of NYC. The president will call the Mayor and ask for his help. This is something I want to see continued. Remember, some of the best stuff in "Ghostbusters" was with the Mayor and Bill Murray.

10) Say "Hi" To Det. John McClane! You're both FOX-owned characters, so it wouldn't be outside of the realm of possibility that you two could have a cup of coffee or something, right? Imagine a 2 minute-long scene with "Yippee ki-yays" and "Dammits" being thrown about. Yeah... too long a scene.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Alan Wilson is a bad man. Not only was he responsible for the major conspiracies covering the past couple of seasons of "24" (and maybe even all the way back to the beginning of the series). But in our exclusive report below, we have been able to link Wilson to some very troubling events of recent years. They include, but are not limited to:

1. Wilson invented the McRib sandwich. Using a mind-altering food additive, he sold the sandwich to McDonald's, who deemed the McRib too powerful, thus offering it on a limited and intermittent basis.

2. Wilson launched Billy Ray Cyrus' career. Again, mind-control, this time embedding subliminal messages into music. Unhappy with its temporary effect, he abandoned the formula, reintroducing a modified version for Miley Cyrus a couple of years ago. No word in its long-term efficacy.

3. Wilson wrote the original "Star Wars" trilogy. No mind-control here, Wilson happens to be a talented writer (whose finger is on the pulse of the zeitgeist) composing all three movies in a weekend. Angry at Lucas for adding Ewoks into "Return of the Jedi," Wilson refused Lucas' pleas for help with the prequels. After Episode I premiered, Wilson gleefully named his flagship yacht "Jar Jar."

4. Wilson invented disco, and later killed it to prove a point to Aristotle Onasis (h/t to "Conspiracy Theory"- bonus to the reader who can tell me the line referenced).

5. Wilson refuses to let the Chicago Cubs win the World Series (another reason Tony Almeida wants to kill him). Steve Bartman was a trained assassin working for Wilson in 2003.

6. Wilson bought $599 million-worth of movie tickets to Titanic; it was truly supposed to flop. Why did he do it? To piss off Lucas (see #3 above).

7. Wilson is behind the mismatched number of hot dogs in a package vs. number hot dog buns sold (hot dogs come 10 to a pack, buns come 8 or 12). Genius, yes- it forces us into a never-ending cycle of buns and dogs. Damn you, sir.

8. Wilson ghost-writes 97% of all self-help and diet books-- all of which promote methods that are doomed to fail. Dr. Atkins, I presume?

9. Wilson was originally the subject of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" series of books. Upon reviewing Brown's research, his editor deemed the story too fantastic and told Brown to go focus on something more realistic, like Opus Dei or the Illuminati.

10. Wilson is a Dallas Cowboy's fan. No, he had nothing to do with their success, it just annoys me.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

First, I want to thank all of you for supporting this site throughout Season 7. Without your loyalty and feedback, this site would be a joyless venture for me. I will continually update inbetween seasons, so do come back and visit! And if we lose touch, I can't wait to see you back here in January 2010.

Now, let me ask you something: do you like Billy Idol? Well, even if you don't, you need to see my latest collaboration with AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com.

Monday, May 18, 2009

1) Tony is not "evil." He intended to take down Alan Wilson, the man responsible for the deaths of his wife, Michelle, and his unborn son (and David Palmer). This is the same man who helped orchestrate the Bluetooth group, Philip and Graem Bauer and Commander-in-Thief Charles Logan. This is a lot to learn in one episode. Something tells me we'll be chewing on the remainders of this revelation next season too. But back to Tony- he plotted to take down Wilson but apparently Jack Bauer made things complicated.

If we're to take Tony's plan seriously, we have to look back at how this would have played out had Bauer never intervened. Jonas Hodges was acquiring the bioweapon on behalf of Alan Wilson. Wilson and the group intended on deploying the weapon in several months. To that end, I think Tony's actions to infiltrate the group make some degree of sense. But Tony had to prove his worth to Wilson before he could get close to him, and that required that he steal the CIP device, wreak havoc around the country and personally kill several FBI agents along the way. Whatever the justification, Tony has truly fallen. His primary goal wasn't to prevent further deaths by Wilson, but to get right in the man's face and have his revenge. Tony will likely get the death penalty for his crimes. In the real world, he would never see freedom again.

But thankfully his motives make perfect sense given the losses he's suffered. His actions are that of a man who is numb to the world and those people who were once close to him. When you have nothing to lose, as Tony said last week, what is there to hold you back from doing whatever is necessary to see out your own goals? So, no- they didn't ruin Almeida's character at all. They developed him from a once-heroic figure into a very human and suffering man. They developed him from a once-heroic figure into a very human and suffering man. And the Imam's words with Jack Bauer could have just as easily been spoken to Tony:

"We live in complex times... nothing is black and white. But I do know this- I see before me a man, with all his flaws and all his goodness... simply a man. Let us both forgive ourselves for all of the wrongs we have done."

Redemption comes from within, that's a major theme of this season.

2) Kim Bauer saved Jack Bauer. Kim, under attack at the airport, personally managed to save herself and track down the laptop one of the hitmen was carrying which led the FBI to Tony's secret hiding spot. Because Kim acted so courageously, she helped prevent Jack being used as a human hand grenade on Wilson. And at the end, she was able to give her stem cells to Dr. Macer for the experimental treatment that we all know will succeed for next season. Kim, you're a Bauer all the way.

3) Renee Walker is cut from the same kevlar as Jack. Renee and Jack had an interesting scene before Bauer is wheeled away to the hospital. She seeks advice from Jack on how to handle things moving forward. All season long, we've seen that Walker is an impulsive person, taking risks that she rationally knows are wrong. But she's also smart, capable and fearless (that "tuck 'n roll" during the shootout is a classic moment!). She's proven to be one of the best characters the writers have conjured in years. This season wins for Walker alone- and I look forward to her next character arc next season (and to learn what eventually happened in the interrogation room with Wilson).

4) Tim Woods hides under coffee tables. I'm sorry, but Secretary of UbiquitousnessTim Woods was in 80% of this season. Timmy was in Season 7 more than Chloe O'Brian! I hope that Tim Woods finds a private sector job as Ryan Seacrest's shadow for next season.

5) Agent Aaron Pierce is Deep Throat. The legendary Secret Service Agent put on his Nancy Drew slacks this season and helped to uncover the plot by Olivia Taylor to kill Jonas Hodges. I'm not sure how that will play out- I imagine politics may allow President Taylor to make a public case that Hodges was a scumbag of the highest order, creating some public sympathy for Olivia. But the catalyst, the key player in it all was Pierce. Had he not intervened, Olivia would have walked. I was pleased by Pierce's pivotal role.

6) Jack is in a better place now. No, Jack didn't die! Watching tonight's finale, I was thinking of the scene Jack had with Secretary Heller at the end of Season 6, where Heller tells Jack he's poisonous. I don't think that version of Jack exists anymore. Now, Jack has arrived at a place that only imminent death could have provided. I rolled my eyes at the "Jack is going to die" plot for a few weeks because we all know Jack is back next season. But what the writers did was use this plot to help Jack resolve some of those issues he was left with at the end of Season 6. This is great character work by the showrunners. I look forward to this new, reborn Jack next season. We've had the human weapon to entertain us for years. But let's see some growth here, please? This season has provided the perfect platform for that to happen.

I enjoyed the finale- I found it interesting, less action-packed than I expected, but the acting was very impressive. I like these characters a lot (except for Woods, but you know what I mean). I think the new "family" that Season 7 built is interesting and breathes new life into the show. Overall, this season was the show's redemption, in addition to Bauer's rebirth. Let's hope they don't regress next season. I highly doubt they will.

PS Stay tuned, I'm putting together another video that will be ready in a few hours (hopefully). I give you my word, it's going to make you giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy on crack.

Here is another collaboration with AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com- a spoof of Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun." We're previewing tonight's big 2-hour finale by going through Tony Almeida's journey up until this point. I'm not going to guilt you into watching this video, but we put a lot of work into it... so, yeah watch it, dammit!

The following is a letter we intercepted from the Virginia State Bar Association Committee on Character and Fitness to Cara "Fake Lawyer" Bowden.

Dear Ms. Bowden,

It has come to our attention that you are representing yourself as an attorney without any verifiable proof of admission to the State of Virginia Bar (or any other acceptable jurisdiction). While we gladly accept your enthusiasm for the practice of law, we kindly ask that you refrain from any further acts as counsel until we can conduct a hearing into this matter.

Specifically, we have learned that you arrived at The White House earlier yesterday to meet with a client, Jonas Hodges, and gave him legal advice to kill himself. Normally, we would frown upon such conduct, as we tend to like our clients alive so they can pay any legal fees incurred. We therefore ask that you show proof that Mr. Hodges was current on his bills with your office, in which case we will make a special dispensation for your unique and inventive legal strategy. We appreciate anyone who is willing to do what it takes to not lose a case.

We have also been informed that you are working in concert with a group of domestic terrorists in forming a plot to kill potentially thousands of innocent American lives. Again, we cannot make a determination on your legal philosophy at present. In Virginia, we welcome all kinds of attorneys to practice- bad lawyers, drunk lawyers and even some downright reprehensible individuals. It is our goal to diversify the profession with men and women that are innovative thinkers. We applaud your efforts to this end, and we look forward to hearing your rationale for this conduct. We are currently re-drafting our Rules on Professional Responsibility and are open to any suggestions you may have to offer.

Unfortunately, we can only permit so much. The conspiracy, the murders, the violation of state and Federal laws are all subject to discussion- but to practice without a license is something we cannot allow.

Please see the attached form detailing the time and place of your hearing. You are entitled to counsel or you can continue do represent yourself- something we would find deeply entertaining.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm going to start off first with Aaron Pierce because we (me and you, my readers) were insane enough to entertain the thought of Agent Pierce being involved in Jonas Hodges' murder. Actually, Pierce is the person who's going to crack the whole darned thing wide open with his intimate knowledge of White House recording devices! And with the help of the former "Bourbon General" himself, Ethan Kanin!

Let's all of us take a deep breath, step back and really look inside ourselves and ask "What the Hell is wrong with you?!" Agent Pierce turning bad? NEVER! Pierce is the gold standard. If he's tarnished, we each ought to get a pair of white Nikes and join a suicide pact cult tomorrow. Pierce is an evergreen hero. This stuff with Tony has us all mixed up and paranoid. Go back to sleeping with both eyes closed, we're safe with Pierce.

I guess the real highlight for everyone was Jack unleashing a vicious beating on Tony- captured after the subway attack was thwarted. It was a fantastic scene- excellent acting and it revealed absolutely nothing about Tony's ultimate endgame. I know some people (ahem-Rickey) have decided they know what Almeida's up to. And I believe those are the same people (ahem-Rickey) who were early adopters of HD-DVD players and the 39¢ postage stamp as well (I have no idea if Rickey's done either, but let's make it sound that way).

And while I love Chloe- I'm sorry but her scenes tonight with Janis were pretty lame. The actors did the best with the material, but it was utterly pointless to hear them whine at one another. I think the writers misread our reactions to things like that- thinking they were throwing us a bone by having a catfight between the two super-geeks. No, not with 3 hrs (and less!) left in the season. The time for cranky-fueled humor has long-since past. Thumbs down on that stuff.

And Kim has predictably become the target of evildoers. Her instincts were right, she was being watched, but unfortunately it was by the most ineffectual, small-bladdered FBI agent on the planet (assigned by Jack to protect her from the real bad guys!). While he's going #1, Special Agent Whizzer gets ambushed by the guy from those UPS commercials. Ouch.In the end, I was not blown away by this episode. There's something missing from these past 4 episodes, and I have a hard time identifying the problem. I go into next week's 2-hour finale with a degree of trepidation.

Jonas Hodges was taken off the board last week in a spectacular explosion. We still don't know for certain who was behind his murder- a guy like Jonas pissed off so many people, that even Agent Aaron Pierce is not above suspicion. I don't expect we'll get a solid answer to this issue tonight, but keep your eyes open for clues at least.

Also, how will Jack Bauer cheat death? I think they've overplayed the Kim "stem cell" angle to the point where it absolutely will not be her saving Jack in the end. I'm guessing Tony will somehow finagle a treatment for Bauer. Oh, he's evil you say? Let's wait and see about that one.

Friday, May 08, 2009

It's been a while since I've posted a non-"24" review, but I'm riding pretty high from the new "Star Trek" movie and wanted to post my thoughts.

I hate movie reviews where the reviewer gives a preamble about his or her emotional attachment to a particular property (e.g. "I wore Spider-Man pajamas when I was 4"). But to do my review justice, I'll give the following disclosure about my emotions towards the material: I spent way too much time indoors as a kid thinking about and watching this stuff. Now, the last "Star Trek" movie I truly cared about came out in 1991- "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country." It's been 18 years since I've seen a "Trek" that has excited me and that drought has ended.

I won't give a plot synopsis because that would be typical and boring. All you need to know is that the Universe is in peril and the heroes of the StarshipEnterprise are our best hope to prevail. At its best, "Star Trek" tells stories about people working together to overcome some ridiculously dangerous set of circumstances (sound familiar, "24" fans?)- be it a revenge-crazed space pirate or some amorphous space cloud that eats planets. The Original Series, upon which this new movie is set, was the best at delivering character chemistry amidst these struggles. Series creator Gene Roddenberry often referred to his casting of the show as "capturing lightning in a bottle." And while subsequent incarnations had their moments, none ever came close to what the originals established. Tonight, that's changed.

Chris Pine plays the role of Kirk, which had been "owned" outright by William Shatner for 40-plus years. What Pine pulls off is a believable incarnation of a cultural icon. Nothing Pine does contradicts Shatner's work- in fact he works so well within the framework of the character (his cockiness, his need for emotional approval, his "badassery") that he helps further define Kirk in a new ways. And Pine goes about doing this without imitating Shatner. The same goes for Zachary Quinto as the equally iconic Mr. Spock. These two actors achieve something unique- they revitalize familiar characters with their own brand of energy while remaining true to their predecessors. And it's a key accomplishment for this movie. For all the window-dressing of technology and faux-science speak, "Star Trek" is about a brotherhood. My nostalgia for the old show centers on the relationship between Kirk and Spock. I don't know how Director J.J. Abrams and his screenwriters were able to distill that relationship so well, but I'm amazed by the result.

Is "Star Trek" a 10 out of 10? No- the villain is a mish-mash and the overall premise is a rewrite or two away from being a solid story, but this movie is unabashedly fun. It's the same kind of fun that we have not seen in popular entertainment in a long time or with any frequency. And it's the kind of fun that brings me back to my childhood, when I discovered this strange TV series that had terrible cardboard sets and cheesy alien makeup. But this version is dressed with dizzying special effects and a budget that would make a spend-happy James Cameron go "Yeah, now we're talking."

If you've never seen "Trek" before, or if you're like a lot of people and think it's silly, I challenge you to see this new version. It's completely accessible to newcomers- save for a villain who apparently has a whole back-story that is never revealed in the film. I nitpick this stuff normally, but there's no point in doing so because the emotional impact of this movie is pitch-perfect. For 2 hours, I was transported to a different world that was both familiar and fresh all at once. It's like meeting an old friend again for the first time. What a rare and wonderful feeling.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

This is a first for TheJackSack.com-- we have co-produced a video with another "24" site, namely AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com! Yes, after countless hours of negotiations between our lawyers and accountants, we were able to crack the currency exchange between the US and Canada, thus enabling this project to be realized. Kasia was kind enough to put together the lyrics and vocals (sparing you more singing by yours truly) and I had carte blanche to make the video portion. We're both excited by the end product and we hope you enjoy it as well:

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

This is complete speculation, but here it is: Olivia Taylor called her friend, Martin Collier, to help arrange a hit on Jonas Hodges. They discussed the idea of killing Hodges about 15 minutes into the episode. About a half-hour later, Hodges is killed by a car bomb at FBI HQ. We are supposed to think that Olivia's hitman did the job, despite the fact that 1) she never transferred the funds and 2) she called Martin beforehand and recanted the contract! I know it's "24" but... it's "24" which means something sinister is in the works. Someone else was tipped off to Hodges' status (the cabal... or maybe someone who just hated what Hodges did to this country). The car bomb was set via advance intel. So, that means there must be one last mole in the mix.

That mole can either be at FBI HQ or in the White House- take your pick. I ask you all to speculate who the last traitor will be.

Subtopic: Does the mole know of Olivia's attempt to hire the hitman? And if so, will he/she try to reveal Olivia's abandoned plans (and embarrass the President at the same time)?

Sub-subtopic: Aaron Pierce has been around a lot lately. Perish the tought, I know. But still...

Monday, May 04, 2009

We all know Jonas Hodges wasn't an organ donor. But was his new alias "Robert Tippet" a generous soul? It may not matter now, as Hodges/Tippet's organs are now spread about the parking area at FBI HQ. Oh, Jonas- I had hoped you would be back next season, causing trouble from a 6' X 9' at Leavenworth. And all as a result of Olivia Taylor putting out the fastest "contract" to kill someone in the history of... ever?! Or is there one more mole left in Season 7? Hmmm... I wonder (ahem- Janis). Either way, they did ya wrong, fella.

It was, unfortunately, another set-up show (3 in a row by my count). I think that the momentum of Tony's "evil" turn has disappeared somewhat. And we learned of an evil cabal last week to not see or hear from any of those new villains at all tonight. That's a little bit of a letdown.

Let's give high praise to Mary Lynn Rajskub and Kiefer Sutherland for a very well-acted scene at the start of the episode- where Chloe learns Jack is terminally ill. Those two have been working together so long that they really connected onscreen. I find these honest character moments refreshing, and thankfully Manny Coto and Brannon Braga didn't overwrite this exchange. The actors know these characters better than anyone else- let them do their work.

On the other hand- I think Jack's interaction with the imam later on was a little overdone. Jack's on edge- he's dying, he's sweating buckets, I get that he's going to lose his already short temper. But the way he went about manhandling and screaming at the imam was not wholly true to Jack's character in my opinion. It seemed like the writers wanted to revisit the theme of this season's first episode- namely Jack's willingness to punch a nun to get an answer about terrorist activity. Alright, that was Jack 20 hours ago- but in the world of "24" we treat that as ancient history, right? I would have been more impressed by Jack not going the stereotypical route and using different tactics. Like not yelling for no apparent reason.

Now, next week- holy cow, we're in for some real drama. SPOILERS from here on out: Jack catches Tony! And Jack threatens to shoot him on the spot to get this thing done. Now, my friends at AlmeidaIsGod.com have constructed a theory that Tony is going it alone and is still fighting to stop terrorists, albeit with wretched and horrific tactics (which the US Government could never endorse officially). That theory may still hold true... nothing has precluded it from happening yet. And we may see the classic "bad guy" takes Jack as a "hostage" gag, with Jack and Tony working together (one last time?) to stop evildoers worldwide! That would be a real "redemption" for this season. Let's hope it works out that way.

Welcome, loyal readers, to a new edition of "Dear Chloe"-- the snarkiest advice column this side of the Potomac. This week we delve into inner fears- professional and personal. Chloe O'Brian is never short on an opinion, so let's see how she deals with this week's neurotic letters:

Dear Chloe,

It's been a rough day for me: I've totally slept with a complete loser, my daddy got shot up in some deli, some dude tried to poke my eyes out with a knife and my Mom is completely not listening to me when I tell her "Don't put that creepo in the Witness Protection Program!" Argh!

I know it's really self-centered of me to be going on like this, but I'm really bummed about so much right now. I've totally got this great job in the family business but it's like a complete waste of time if nobody's going to do what I tell them, ya know? Usually, I'd just call up some friends and hit the mall, but it's 4AM right now and even online shopping can't save me from my doldrums.

And then there's my secret crush. My psych professor at Brown told me once that "Love is being stupid together." Of course, he said this as he was making a pass at me, but the thing is, there's this guy that's completely older and not my type, but when he looks at me, I kinda like what I see behind his eyes. He'd never make the first move, that's for certain. And I think he drives this old Buick... but still, every time I see him, I have to run back to my office and play Liz Phair's "Why Can't I"-- I know, I've got it bad.

Please help me make sense of it all!

-Mademoiselle at 1600

Dear 1600,

I drafted a full response to your letter, but some faulty server wiped out my whole database, and I don't have time to rewrite it at the moment. So, here's the short version: If I were you, I'd shut my mouth, close my legs and go back to the sorority house.

Dear Chloe,

I'm a patriot, I tell you! When George Washington fought the Redcoats at Trenton, do you know what he needed more than the blizzard to help him win? Shoes and guns! At every moment in our great nation's history, there's always been a group that has equipped it's great soldiers with the tools necessary to overwhelm its enemies. While the French are handing out wheels of cheese to their boys, I'm giving the American military bullets that can turn corners! I only buy American- American-made darts, American Chinese food, American scotch (we call it bourbon). And I only allow my picture to be taken in front of the Stars and Stripes.

Well, a fine day it has been for this patriot- I was accused of insurrection by some dizzy broad who's working as a temp in the Oval Office. I also had to kick a bunch of mouth-breathing Feds off my property and now I sit in some hospital being told I have to betray my cause. That being said, I get a 1,000 acre ranch out of it, two SUVs and some free lawn service if I play my cards right. Maybe this country isn't so bad after all.

But where are the real patriots? Does anyone else know that the Second Amendment gives me the right to bear 50 surface-to-surface missiles?!? And where's my damn applesauce and morphine? I'm dying over here!

-Stark, Raving Mad

Dear Stark,

I re-read your letter twice to see if I could find any reference to the Road Runner. You obviously love gadgets. I love tech stuff too. But dude, seriously- you gotta look into buying Japanese. Do you have a media player or are you still rocking out to the gramophone? Quit acting so patriotic-- we've stopped making cool shit back in the 70s. Maybe if we spent less time producing overpriced bombs and focused a little more on consumer electronics, we'd be better off? When you get that ranch, I want you to take some time off from the war-mongering and look into inventing something useful. Is the Slanket the best we can do? My husband seems to think so!