Reference Material

Disclaimer, Copyright

The U.S.S. Mariner is in no way affiliated with, condoned or given any notice by the Seattle Mariners baseball team, who have their own website. Similarly, we have no association with the ownership group or any businesses related to the Mariners. All article text is written by the authors, all pictures are taken by the authors, who retain copyright to their works. No copying or reproduction of any content here, photographic or otherwise, is authorized. Please email us if you wish to reproduce our work.

Some Suggested Excuses For Future Failed Steroids Tests

Michael Morse’s suspension is the third time a Mariner has been suspended for violating the new policy. It’s gotten so bad that the Sacramento Bee is asking whether steroids have replaced caffeine as Seattle’s drug of choice.

Well, at least they both beat heroin.

As Derek pointed out, though, at least Morse’s explanation was original instead of that old fallback, the “tainted supplement,” and was forthright instead of a Palmeiroesque “Winstrol? How did that get there?”

Let’s face it: between the majors and the minors, this team is probably going to need more and better excuses for getting caught.

We at USS Mariner Labs are nothing if not eager to help. Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that Derek and I are two of the most helpful guys around, deserving honorary merit badges in that arena if only we’d join the Boy Scouts.

Hence, Derek and I collaborated on a handy cheatsheet (no pun intended). These are 15 potential excuses that the next 15 busted Mariners should run up the media flagpole.

The reader should note, however, that neither Derek nor I are in the running for “good taste” merit badges any time soon. So if you’re easily shocked or wish to take this list for anything but mirth … maybe you should go read something else.

Stick around for tomorrow’s post: “Part Two: Okay, I Actually Did Do Steroids, But Here’s Why I Needed To.”

8. Swapped lunches with the Moose one day; next day, I’m lifting cars like they were paper cranes

7. Hooker who gave me pills was totally hot; I figured they were Cialis or something

6. Illiterate, can’t read labels on supplements, didn’t want to ask

5. Engaged in staring contest with opposing pitcher last year until eyes hurt; doctor diagnosed me with stare-roids, a rare iris condition that is untreatable but unfortunately all too often confused with drug abuse

4. Had Dr. Phil test supplements before use

3. Only had hot gay man-sex with other athletes, who must have used steroids

2. While helping a collapsed man in the gym, was accidentally pricked by a needle that must have contained extremely high dose of steroids