I keep starting and stopping blog posts at the moment. My brain has words, but not sentences. Coherent thoughts are still few and far between. Even as my brain chemistry starts to even out on this lowest dose of SSRIs I’m still not quite as sharp as I’d usually be. Often when I start writing […]

I don’t want to lose the men in the first sentence, so bear with me here, but did you know that the second week of your moon cycle is the ideal time to set goals and accomplish shit? Once red ‘week’ (give or take a few dats, depending on your own personal hooha) is over, […]

Let’s start with the formalities. My name is Nicole. I was raped when I was 16. I was drunk. I was wearing a t shirt and shorts. I took a drink from a random guy I’d been chatting to for about half an hour. I was drugged. I woke up covered in blood. My white shorts were almost entirely red. I don’t remember his name. It was the first time I’d ever had ‘sex.’ I wasn’t asking for it. I bled for days. I scrubbed my body so hard my skin bled too. I hurt for years. I refuse to be ashamed any more.

Recent Posts

Currently not feeling like that cover picture, currently more along these lines: Weaning myself off SSRIs for the first time in 10 years is going something like this: Day 1: I wonder what my brain looks like without anti-depressants? *Immediately decide fuck it, let’s give it a whirl* Day 2: Shit, I better put some […]

I wanted to write about what I’m leaving behind in 2017 to finish out the year, but I didn’t know how to start. It’s fresh and painful and not entirely my story to tell. So many women have lived this life, and I can’t speak for them. It may be bigger in their lives. It […]

Where do I start with the demon that haunts my nights. The ghost that awakens when the rest of the world finally goes to sleep. Have you ever felt a pain deep in your soul? That ache that draws the scream out of your chest, no matter how hard you press your lips together. The […]

I don’t really know how to talk about rape anymore. My own, or anyone else’s. It’s like the stages of coming to terms with something are like the stages of grief. Only mine went like this Pain. The cliched curled up on the floor of the shower with water so hot it burns you while […]

Theme song for tonight’s blog: Satsang – Remember Jah. I’ve been taking such comfort in this lately. I’m writing this story backwards. I started it with an explanation of the last 10 years of trying to get on top of endometriosis and the symptoms, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish and post it. It’s […]

Clarity appears in the quiet places, so I’m sitting with myself and my strengths and failings tonight. We are often hardest on ourselves. Trying to treat myself with kindness as my first priority. When I’m too hard on myself it leads to some seriously unhealthy behaviours, the least of which has left me with more […]

Lately I have this deep-seated feeling that I’ve forgotten something, that I should be searching for something, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. The last couple of months have been such a period upheaval, the kind of time where you re-evaluate where you are in life and what you truly […]

*soundtrack to my mood tonight, if you want to really feel this blog: Alice in Chains – Heaven Beside You Have you ever seen the movie Sliding Doors? Basic premise: How would your life be different if it weren’t for that one twist of fate, if you hadn’t missed the train, taken that right turn, […]

I’m never sure how to put into words what dealing with this disease really takes from me. Or whether I should talk about it at all. We talk about the pain, the symptoms, the treatments, the surgeries, and are called ‘brave’ for it. But we talk about how it makes us feel and there’s always […]