I've been dreading this day. But how is it much different from any other day? There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about my dad. Little things remind me of him, and before I know it I'm transported back into a memory of a day gone by with such a special man. I miss so many things about him, and there have been times where I would call his cell phone just to hear his voice. At the end of the day, while I am trying to fall asleep is always the hardest. My mind starts to wander to memories of my dad. I miss his "surprise" face where he would raise his eyebrows high and open his eyes and mouth real wide, it was always such spontaneous and funny expression. I miss him telling me "negative" to one of my crazy ideas, and I would in turn tell him "positive" to try and butter him up to go along with it. I miss his answer for everything. I miss how he would whistle a tune while he did just about anything. I miss how active he was on his computer and how quickly he would comment on everything I would post, just to keep close. I miss his funny dry sense of humor, and jokes. He was always so corny, and after a doozy and us wondering if he really said that, he would say "no-one ever understands my jokes". If it meant I could get him back for just a second I'd give the biggest belly laugh that would reach the heavens. I also miss things that were never able to happen. I miss that he will never get to take Connor flying, which he did with me my whole life. I miss that he won't get to take Connor through the Blue Ridge on his motorcycle. I miss the things I know he would have built for Connor that now he will not have. My dad had a knack for building anything, from outside playsets, to bunkbeds, to stools and chairs. I miss how he won't be able to teach Connor how to high-dive, and I'll have to figure out how to pass on the knowledge he gave me. I can't hear an Allison Kraus song without crying, and it is still hard for me to sit through a Father-Daughter dance. I get so afraid that I'm going to forget important things he taught me, or that I won't know my way around the mountains, because I always figured he would just be there. A whole year has gone by without my daddy and you can see where he is missing.

We have seen who the good people in our lives are, and it has made us more discerning. I think it has also softened our hearts to what is truly important and makes us more reflective and able to cherish each moment we have with our loved ones. North Carolina was not the same without him, and though over the years we will have new memories there, it's season with dad has passed. The Bible says,

He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding;(Daniel 2:21). The irony does not escape me that today is the first day of Fall. It is so fitting for how we have turned a new season in our lives. Life does go on, we keep moving forward, the world does not stop because we think our heart has. I remember thinking I couldn't breathe when I got the news, and yet I had to figure out how to pick myself up and keep going. So today we will remember a great man who left a wonderful legacy. Connor recognizes his Grandpa Gary and will point to him in pictures and say "Grandpa", and I tell him that he loved him very much. The baby that dad knew who was about to turn 1 last year, is now a toddler on the verge of 2. I wish he could see him, and how smart and sweet he is. I know he would have dad eating out of his hand. But I know that dad is in an amazing place, finally back together with his mom whom he loved so much, worshiping our Savior, and one day we will be there too.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (Ecclesiastes 3)I think Connor was born when he was for a reason. There is a time to weep, and laugh, a time to mourn, and dance. It is God's little reminder that everything is going to be ok. We love you daddy, and miss you oh so much!

1 comment:

Thanks for sharing your thoughts after a year. You have a great perspective with this great challenge. While reading through that, it reminded me so much of my dad! Even down to the surprise face - he does that.

I still think about Uncle Gary too. I always admired his passion and assertiveness.