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I Don't Think I Owe You Anything....

November 15, 2010

This weekend was my grandmother's 71st birthday. YAY!! The whole family got together last year to celebrate her 70th. It was a huge and great celebration because it was a surprise and Ms. Grandma (yep, that's what I call her!) had no idea that my aunt and uncle (her two youngest) were coming home from Minnesota. Those were happy times because everyone was home. *sighs* *nostalgia*

This year was.....a bit different. My mom, of course, was missed. It was just my dad, my brother, and I. We got flowers and cards and visited. All good things. What trips me out is.....it seems that now no matter what I do, it is never enough to people. Here is where we enter the dreaded forced family gatherings. The day after her birthday we all go down to see her because she is really sad because she misses my mom. It's only been 5 months (today, actually) and I miss her like the dickens too! I personally just don't see the point of spending your birthday sad and depressed. The Lord blessed you with another year.....don't waste it. Anyway, I digress. We get down there and we talk about church for hours. We listen to tears about my mom (they go there....I don't). And the whole time I am just ready to go home. Afterwards I get multiple calls about my attitude: You didn't act like you wanted to be there. You should be more comforting to people because they miss your mom like you do. Why don't you respond to the fifty-leven people who I give your number out to without asking when they want talk about your mom? *side eye*

I'm irritated because it has come to me that people look to me (a little too much) to bring comfort to other people when it comes to dealing with my mother's death. I think that I am handling my grief pretty well for it to still be fresh. I have my down days. Hell I'm supposed to. BUT there are things that I can not and will not do in my time of grief.

I will not use every holiday, birthday, or day that ends in Y to find reasons to just be depressed because everyone expects me to. My mother was a very strong person. I am a lot like her in certain aspects. She was a pretty happy person.....so my biggest tribute to her will be to just stay positive and not let this define the rest of my life (...that actually was one of the last conversations that I had with her)

I don't owe anybody ANYTHING. I lost my mother. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through in my life. Therefore, if you are not calling me to see how I am doing and to offer me words of encouragement then I am not obligated to talk to you. I am not obligated to talk to you then. I'm sorry if I'm not making you feel better about it....but there is nothing I can tell you. This is new to me too. Be an encouragement, not a drain....maybe then I will answer the phone.

The way I handle my grief is exactly that. No, I don't break down in tears all willy nilly. Actually it's been exactly 2 months since I've shed one tear. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her or that I don't care. I'm just handling things the best way I know how. Do you and I will do me.

Hell no I'm not going to the cemetery. It is too fresh for me and I am NOT ready. So don't ask me anymore. I will eventually get back there....but not anytime too soon. I am so happy that talking to her there helps you. Keep doing that. Personally, I don't think she is there. If I talk to the ground, it's not going to talk back. Soooo.....yea.

I had to snap off because of all the flack I have been catching over this short period of time. It drains me. I wish she were here......that way when I got tired of snapping, she would pick up my slack. Thanks for blessing me with the gift of sassy and snappiness, Mama. Sometimes you need it.