Thursday, September 25, 2014

I have been working...in two places and I fear that I am at the stage that I need a push...

I am tired and making lists like there is no tomorrow...when I get overwhelmed I start dropping things...literally and metaphorically. So lists help me feel less chaotic.

I have a hair cut appointment tomorrow in a feeble attempt of self care.

I only get my hairs cut maybe twice a year as I find it to be a decadence,

one I can often overlook and choose car oil changes instead.

My grandmothers would go weekly, my mother gets her hair person to come to her home monthly

to color and cut her hair.

I am a low maintenance kinda girl with dreams of being a fancier girl.

Every 6-8 months I go crazy and buy some new makeup that almost always ends up living its life in a bin under the sink because I either try it once and freak out that I have makeup on, or chicken out or forget about it. I keep the makeup next to the hairdryer and curling iron...two other rarely used tools.

I bought red lipstick today...

I read that it subconsciously makes people (including the wearer) believe that you are powerful :

I adore this woman!

I am feeling anxious and nervous about this upcoming exhibition.

I have a comfortable dress, and shoes for standing long periods of time on hard surfaces.

I have a room that I can crash in after the event it over and I don't have to drive for hours afterwards.

In the middle of the preparations from afar I am feeling less than confident...

I am wearing it now in fact, in a strange way I think that if I can wear it and forget about it, I can ease into the idea that it is not such a foreign part of me and I can pull it off for opening night.You know?!

I am thankful that I am still a risk taker, even if the risks seem small and silly

Sunday, September 21, 2014

It is creepy and so funny at the same time, and quite frankly sounds like a lot of fun!

Things seem to be back on track of sorts.

I have a tight deadline ahead of me, as I am in a three woman show that opens in about two weeks.

In fact, right now I am suppose to be making the last pieces, but instead I felt compelled to be here.

Reading your blogs and procrastinating.

I think it is what I do under pressure, add more pressure!

***

I worked until midnight last night and finished some work this am after breakfast.

This next week and a half will be framing and label preparations...

The venue is several hours away, so I need to be REALLY prepared as I can not simply grab something from home if something is forgotten. I think that freaks me into procrastination a little.

I have gotten a shitload of administration things done in the last week which has allowed me to relax into this next week and a half...haha relax...and I am so relaxed that eye twitch is really just an involuntary wink.

Which allows for my wheel to keep spinning, my plates can keep swirling and I can keep staring at the sky.

I did catch a little bit of a movie the other night, while procrastinating...

You know, andy warhol use to say everything is potential inspiration:

FEBRUARY 1, 2010Warhol Photos Distributed Across Nation

From the Associated Press"Andy Warhol kept boxes upon boxes of soup cans, receipts, fan mail and many other items, including thousands of photos he later used as inspiration for his giant paintings.

Now more than 180 colleges and university museums, and galleries around the nation are benefiting. The New York City-based Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts has donated to them more than 28,500 of Warhol's photos, worth $28 million."By Carrie Antlfinger

I am gonna steal that and stop calling what I do procrastination, but instead research!

yep, I was researching on the couch the other night....I caught a little bit of this movie:

It had John Cusack in it and I am a sucker for him, plus it was quirky funny.

The parts that made me giggle were all her realizations about bring creative/writer/artist and the reality associated with them. It was entertaining and kept me up later than I should have been and I didn't get to see the beginning or end...so I can say the middle part was good, and that is really the meat of a mediocre film.

I would like to see the whole thing, regardless

So today, today I am doing less research and more work...really
I better get to it now the daylight is ticking away

The Barren and I are on different schedules and it makes life during the week strange.

We are often like two ships crossing paths, so by Friday it is more like..."Hi you're cute, wanna have dinner with me and chat? Then maybe we can have a drink and a roll in the sack before the next week arrives and we are strangers again?"

Works ( I used that on purpose, as I have two jobs) is intense too....

one has been an exercise in patience and careful footsteps.

The other is a never ending cycle of positive affirmations and small steps.

By the time I get out from one and arrive at the other I am exhausted and it is an uphill battle to stay moving.

Practice is still three times a week, and it helps tremendously with my mental health and willingness to sleep.

This morning was a series of heart openers and after we were done I just wanted to sit and cry for an hour...but alas the works were calling and I had to just keep moving.

I have a bottle of wine in the fridge that I plan to partake in with dinner tonight...

well not the whole bottle but at least a glass!

A lot of good things are bubbling and that is good, thing is, when things are good it all comes at once and I am getting really good at storing those good times to keep me going when things are quieter or not as good.

I have been seeing "list three positives" lists appear all over social media and it is interesting to see what people list...So I thought I would try the same...

Aside from the obvious things I find quite positive, like, I woke up, I am breathing, I am in love, I have clean water to drink and food to eat and I am healthy...

* No one I know died this week! so that is good, really good

*I got a baby shower invite and I am waiting to respond, I am gonna feel this one out

* I am able to heal. I smashed my foot and lost a chunk of my toe and sliced open my finger yesterday all before 5am, today I have a scab on my thumb and my toe is working on the same.

I feel badly that my last post seemed like a downer...I am feeling alright, fragile at times but really OK

I seem to be spending a lot of time recently worrying about other people and that gets hard after a while.

So I guess that is something else I need to back off on, worrying doesn't change things
and I want things to change not stagnate...you know?!

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

I am a foodie, and this last bit of veganism is hard and heartbreaking.

example:

this past weekend was a long one for many in the US, it was labor day

this is my favorite visual to go with that day of thanks:

I live in an agriculture center, and so daily I am reminded of the many that are laboring much harder than me for the food that I eat. I made sure to point out to my niece and nephew what food is grown where, so when they pass those fields, they recognize it as food and become conscience of the people working so hard to bring it to our tummies.

That being said, when the Barren and I were thinking about what to make, BBQ and snack on this weekend, the Barren suggested a caprese salad...one of my favorites and it makes sense to suggest it as it was a go-to for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long.

Except, this time when he mentioned it I began to cry; a sad silly cry...and then I became mad...at himfor no reason and then suggested we just go home and I would eat the drywall instead.

I was possessed by a bitter, self-loathing demon, who wanted me to feel as horrible as possible about holding true to my health concerns and desire for self-preservation.

Thank goodness the Barren recognized this and simply let it all play out and then when I resurfaced and apologized for it, we went to the store for BBQ fixings.

He in his wonderful way, ended up putting soft cheese into the basket for himself...but did it with puppy-dog eyes of "I'm so sorry I am putting this in the basket, I know it haunts you"

We got home and when it was time to fix dinner he realized he got the wrong type of cheese for a salad and told me " I got the wrong kind" I said you got burrata huh?, it is creamy and super soft and delicious on toasted bread with tomato and basil...

He smirked and I just smiled and sighed.

I am having a hard time with this last stretch of vegan; dinner out is hard, dinner in is a constant dance of what to make, prepare and plan for. I'm exhausted from chopping veggies and reading recipes.

After a long day, it would awesome to have an option to just pick up dinner on the way home...but there is no real way to do that, and to add insult to injury, I have a soy sensitivity, so tofu or soy products are a no go for me... by sensitivity I will weigh the pros and cons of how intense a hot flash will be if I eat this or that.

So I am often eating soba noodles with veggies or a microwaved yam with peas and walnuts.

When my parents asked if we could do dinner together last night, as the Barren was working late, I just about burst into tears again...but instead said : I would love to but food right now is really complex and once I figure it out we will..I just have to work on it a little longer.

I have been trying the mantra: it is just food, you are fed the rest is decoration.

I went to an art opening last night and when three girlfriends asked if I would like to join them for dinner, I was ready to say thanks but no thanks...but it turns out they wanted to try a new VEGAN restaurant in town....I felt self conscience thinking they were suggesting it as they knew I was now vegan....but it turns out the place also serves gluten free which two of the three were sensitive to!

We were a group of special food needs people, it was my tribe of particulars!

We all had a dinner together, I was able to relax and talk art with the others who are also artists and when the ordering happened I was not the only one asking what this or that was, everyone did!

below are the obligatory food photos...in case you want to see what was tried.