Column: N.C. driver’s license to receive major overhaul

Published: Wednesday, November 6, 2013 at 09:42 PM.

Although budget woes have pushed back the start date until March 2014, the N.C. driver’s license is about to receive a major face lift.

According to government sources, the new license will continue to display traditional information such as name, age and address. New features — such as a 3-D image of the driver, thumb print and compartment for DNA sample — are also rumored to be part of the new license format.

“The idea here is to curb the proliferation of counterfeit driver’s licenses,” said Stanley Bolander of the N.C. Department of Travel. “Any high school kid with a laptop computer and a printer can manufacture a license that, to the naked eye, looks authentic. Not many people know this, but Steve Jobs raised the seed money for Apple Computers by making fake ID cards for all the jocks that made fun of him in high school.”

It costs the state approximately $2 to manufacture driver’s licenses in the current format, whereas to cover the cost of the proposed upgrades would drive the price up to $16 per card. Instead of raising the license fee, the state plans to offer a series of fee-based options that are expected to cover the additional manufacturing costs.

“No one likes their driver’s license photo, so for a small fee we’re offering motorists the option to have any perceived cosmetic imperfections airbrushed away,” Bolander said. “If you were having a bad hair day while getting your license renewed, we can fix it. If you just went through a bad break-up and stayed up the night before Tweeting to Scotty McCreery and eating a stick of butter, we can fix it.

“If you got loaded in Jacksonville and got the likeness of Dale Earnhardt Jr. tattooed on your forehead and you haven’t saved up enough money for the skin graft yet, we can fix it.”

Along with photo touch-ups, several theme-card options will be available.

Although budget woes have pushed back the start date until March 2014, the N.C. driver’s license is about to receive a major face lift.

According to government sources, the new license will continue to display traditional information such as name, age and address. New features — such as a 3-D image of the driver, thumb print and compartment for DNA sample — are also rumored to be part of the new license format.

“The idea here is to curb the proliferation of counterfeit driver’s licenses,” said Stanley Bolander of the N.C. Department of Travel. “Any high school kid with a laptop computer and a printer can manufacture a license that, to the naked eye, looks authentic. Not many people know this, but Steve Jobs raised the seed money for Apple Computers by making fake ID cards for all the jocks that made fun of him in high school.”

It costs the state approximately $2 to manufacture driver’s licenses in the current format, whereas to cover the cost of the proposed upgrades would drive the price up to $16 per card. Instead of raising the license fee, the state plans to offer a series of fee-based options that are expected to cover the additional manufacturing costs.

“No one likes their driver’s license photo, so for a small fee we’re offering motorists the option to have any perceived cosmetic imperfections airbrushed away,” Bolander said. “If you were having a bad hair day while getting your license renewed, we can fix it. If you just went through a bad break-up and stayed up the night before Tweeting to Scotty McCreery and eating a stick of butter, we can fix it.

“If you got loaded in Jacksonville and got the likeness of Dale Earnhardt Jr. tattooed on your forehead and you haven’t saved up enough money for the skin graft yet, we can fix it.”

Along with photo touch-ups, several theme-card options will be available.

“For anyone who loved the show ‘Breaking Bad’ and would like to pay tribute to the show, we offer the ‘Blue Sky’ driver’s license, complete with a photo of Walter White mixing up a batch of his world famous methamphetamine,” Bolander said. “For an extra $5, we’ll print his secret recipe on the back.”

Another potential money maker for the state is “DWI”-themed driver’s license, which was designed for drivers who seem to have issues with portion control.

“The DWI card features a lenticular image that displays different images as the card is tilted,” Bolander said. “Looking at the license head on, you see a guy throwing back enough booze to kill a Kennedy. If you tilt the card a little bit to the right, you see the same guy being arrested for drunk driving. When the card is tilted to the left you see him preparing for his first date in prison.”

Thanks to a microchip that may or may not be implanted in the new driver’s licenses, a self-renewing “Sports Joke of the Day” card will feature brand new content on a daily basis.

“I already have a prototype of this one myself, with the Andrew Dice Clay delivery option,” Bolander said. “Every day you pull your license out of your wallet, and there’s a new sports joke displayed on the back. The one they sent out this morning was a real corker: ‘Why doesn’t Raleigh have a pro football team? Because then, Charlotte will want one! Ohhhh, snap!”

One of the more controversial features of the new N.C. driver’s license is the strip club registry.

“As of next March, anyone entering a strip club will have to produce an ID and their name and address will be posted on http://www.secretary.state.nc.us/thanksforthemammaries.gov,” Bolander said. “If you wish to opt out of the strip club registry, a yearly fee of $50 — paid in singles — will be required.”

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy In Public” at Amazon.com and jondawson.com.