Well it’s Saturday afternoon and after a crazy night/morning of partying, I’m still pretty damn hungover. So I feel it’s the perfect time to write this Episode 13 summary I’ve been assigned, and spellcheck will really be coming in handy. Episode 13… , is that right? I can’t remember. Oh yes. Pardon me, I’m a little slow right now. And which season is it again? Oh right, it’s the season that’s focusing a lot on Stephenie… better yet, entirely on Stephenie. Okay.

So let’s start this off by looking at the Final Five players still left in this game:

Let me just say that this “women’s alliance” we’re getting a glimpse of in these previews (Katie, Jenn, Caryn) is looking rather promising. It is so obvious that these women are gonna wisen up and band together, win the remaining immunity challenges, and vote Tom and Ian out right away. Throw some money on it, because it is DEFINITELY going to happen.

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Tom Westman (cue to start playing the song “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters) is in big trouble. Those immunities he won earlier were a fluke – I mean, how hard is it to stand on a perch for 3 hours or hold your breath underwater? I don’t see him winning any other challenges. (Just kidding, Tom. You rule. Thanks for everything.)

But keep your eye on Ian, because he always articulates himself very well, and appears VERY emotionally stable. He’ll never cave in to anyone left in this game. If there’s one thing you can bet the ranch on, it’s that this guy will NEVER quit.

What? Why are you looking at me like that? Wrong season? Oh crap. I have to start over, don’t I? …

Previously on StephVivor:

• Danni paid $20 in U.S. money for beef jerky. Which is very fascinating, considering that the Mayan civilization was crushed long before the United States even existed, let alone printed out bills with Andrew Jackson’s picture emblazoned on them.

• Lydia saw her brother for the first time in 22 years and she didn’t care because he couldn’t do the Pancake correctly.

• We witnessed blatant copyright infringement by Danni when she purchased an Immunity Challenge clue, as she belted out Tom Westman’s trademark “It was money well spent” line. Mortal sin. Hey Danni, if you think Richard Hatch has it rough with legal fees, you wait til I send your classy ass to court.

• There were 2 Cindy’s.

• Judd purchased a night with his wife for $880, which is actually $878 more than I had to pay to spend a night with Judd’s wife.

• Rafe cried like a little girl for 15 minutes.

• Danni won Individual Immunity. Don’t you dare say “rigged”.

• Upon being blindsided at Tribal Council, man, Judd exited like a good sportsmanship, man, and called the remaining players, the jurors, his wife, Jeff Probst, the cameramen, Mark Burnett, and 21 million American viewers all a bunch of scumbags, man. Damn, that’s classy.

• In another Survivor first, Judd appeared in his own Febreze Family Moment that was shown after he was voted out.

Then the opening credits start as usual. That’s not a very flattering action shot of Stephenie. Judd looks like a pig in the mud. As these opening credits roll, I’m reminded of all the decoy winners that were produced this season via editing at some point. Gary: Gone. Brandon: Gone. Blake: Gone. Margaret: Gone. Damn you, Mark Burnett.

"Scumbags"

This episode begins on a pretty somber note. The five guinea pigs remaining in Mark Burnett’s social experiment are attempting to keep warm by the fire, because it is colder than a witch’s titty now that temperatures have dropped below 105 degrees. Stephenie comments that she didn’t appreciate Judd’s choice of words at the end of Tribal Council. She would have preferred being called “gay” or “retarded” over being called a “scumbag”. In a confessional, Danni says that she’s been praying for some crack, which surprises me because Danni has always seemed so straight-edge. Then Stephenie tries to cover her ass.

Steph: “Cindy, I wanted to tell you so bad about voting Judd out, but I was in an alliance with you earlier, and telling my allies the truth, … well, that’s just not my style.”

Cindy thought they were voting Lydia out. Damn Cindy, haven’t you been watching Survivor this season at all? Lydia NEVER gets voted out, but instead she’s always the runner-up. She’s the new Rudy Boesch, minus being a Navy SEAL and actually having confessionals worth any value. Cindy is mumbling and Rafe tries to be diplomatic, in a pansy-ish sort of way. Cindy hopes she’s not following in Judd’s and Jamie’s footsteps. I don’t think that’s possible at this point. She’d have a lot of catching up to do, and she’s only got a maximum of 6 days to trash talk all of her tribemates, have a Tribal Council outburst, and puke all over the camp’s sleeping area.