Top 10 Punishments for Geeks

Evil overlords have a tough time when it comes to punishing geeks. We’re so good at retreating into our imaginations and replaying scenes from our favorite movies and TV shows in our heads that we can often weather physical punishments without any psychological consequences. To really punish us effectively, you need to find a way to really get into our heads and aim straight for our geeky psyches.

This article has been reproduced in a new format and may be missing content or contain faulty links. Contact wiredlabs@wired.com to report an issue.

Here, then, are ten strategies for doing just that, for all those evil overlords — or those who’d like to become one — who could use a little help. Some are more broad punishments that would be effective against many geeks all at once, and some specifically target one geek at a time.

10. Six words: Offer regular coffee, serve only decaf.

9. Force him to watch the movie Waterworld without the ability to mute or fast-forward.

8. Release a new game-changing smartphone that runs all kinds of apps and that everyone instantly wants, but neglect to put in such basic features as copy-and-paste and undo until two years later.

7. Force her to write an article for publication, defending the existence of Jar-Jar Binks and the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker.

6. Reprogram his electronic music players so that before listening to anything by Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, Paul and Storm, Marian Call, or the podcast of any public radio show, he must first listen to an entire song by Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, or Britney Spears.

5. Force her to write an essay explaining why Star Trek V is the best of all the Star Trek films without employing irony.

4. Broadcast a really good space-western TV show, move it around a lot from time slot to time slot to make sure its ratings suck, then after it starts to really become popular with the geek community cancel it with three episodes still in the can.

3. Give him an about-to-expire gift certificate for a shirt from a website that sells awesome geeky shirts, but that — as he finds out only upon attempting to check out, of course — only has “Hello Kitty” shirts in stock.

2. Force her to play Monopoly for six straight hours while people at neighboring tables play Settlers of Catan and Ticket to Ride. For added misery, make one of her fellow players one of those people who constantly offer trades like “I’ll give you Water Works for Park Place” because they figure eventually someone will accept. For even more added misery, pick a Monopoly set based on a geeky subject, like Star Wars, The Muppets, Nintendo, or Pixar films.

1. Force him to take a seven hour plane flight sitting next to a teenager who worships the Twilight books and films and can’t wait to tell you all about why.

Here’s The Thing With Ad Blockers

We get it: Ads aren’t what you’re here for. But ads help us keep the lights on. So, add us to your ad blocker’s whitelist or pay $1 per week for an ad-free version of WIRED. Either way, you are supporting our journalism. We’d really appreciate it.