Tag Archives: obesity

Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.

The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.

The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.Continue reading →

David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.

“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading →

Millions of adults across the UK woke up this morning to discover that they had spent their first night with a new roll of fat. The resulting sigh of regret was heard as far away as Berlin with many then raising a hand to their mouths in a gesture of defeat only to find a new chin ghosting under where their jawlines used to be.

“I don’t look at my new fat as the result of monumental self-indulgence,” said villager Simon Parsons. “It’s my insurance for the future. Have you seen the news lately? I didn’t overeat, I stored vital calories in my nutrition hump. When it all really kicks off they’ll come in handy.”

“I don’t know about no Isis apocalypse or zombie apocalypse or zombie-Isis apocalypse,” Jane Hough told us as she headed down the High Street to buy more food. “I think it’s best to lose the fat and it’s easy. You tell your friends that from now on you’re going to only eat steamed vegetables and do cardio for an hour every day. Think of all the calories everyone’ll burn as you all have a bloody good laugh at the very idea.”

Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.

Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.

“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”Continue reading →

Britain’s coastguard has introduced a new warning flag, to alert holiday-makers to the risk of beach fatties.

Resplendent in two colours of sunburn and a symbol representing an ‘inny’ belly button, the flag draws attention to the chance of big bathers.

“There are many dangers along our coast, and we’ve got a number of flags to highlight them”, said warden Helen Evans. “But until now, there’s been nothing to prepare you for the vision of a fat lad wearing Speedos on a li-lo.”Continue reading →

With the government advising parents to only allow their children to drink water, Harold Councillor Ron Ronsson has come up with a delicious way of livening up this boring drink:

“Canned drinks can be bad for you, which is why I only give my children water. But if your kids are like mine, then they’re fussy as well as fat: why not follow my simple recipe to help you ‘fancy it up’ a bit?”

“Presentation is everything! Don’t give them water from an old crisp packet: use some posh glasses and a nice jug. Or consider serving them while dressed up as Batman.”

“We always fill our jug from the cold tap, it’s something of a family tradition. Then it’s just a case of adding a bottle of food dye, 17 tablespoons of sugar, some phosphoric acid and a pinch of aspartame.”

“Missing that ‘fizz’? Bubbles aren’t bad for you so give ’em what they want: drop a whole packet of Alka Seltzer in and watch their faces light up!”

“Nearly there now! Before you let your loved ones tuck in make sure your ‘water’ is nicely blended: I normally give mine a stir with a Mars Bar.”

“And that’s it! I always insist my urchins brush their teeth immediately after, or at least once they’ve slept some of it off. And what do they need to rinse the toothpaste out of their mouths? You guessed it! More of my delicious ‘Ronsson Water’!”

After just two seconds a month, your head will turn into this charming timepiece

No, of course not.

It’s the most stupid idea ever, and will obviously do nothing more than persuade a generation of obese couchmongers that it’s OK to remain slumped on their fat arses doing little more than a half-hearted leg spasm once a month.

But I’ve got a book!

Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have you believe! But I’m the BBC’s Bob Mussolini, and I’m here to tell you all about the revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan called High Intensity Training. This revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan was launched recently in my book The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan for readers, and in the Daily Mail for everyone else, and has already virtually banished obesity from our shores.

Erection

Everyone agrees that getting more active will make you healthier and prolong your life. But exercise will also help you stop getting stuck in doorways, give you a fighting chance of achieving the occasional erection and reduce the risk of dementia, heart attacks, diabetes and dementia.Continue reading →

The NHS is squeezing fat patients into skinny suits, to give them an idea of what it feels like to be slim.

Imported from the US at a cost of £1,000 each, the suits can compress a 400-lb woman down to a size 10 dress size: the process uses something called ‘gut wax’ and an industrial vacuum.

It’s hoped that the suits will provide an insight into just how hard it can be to roll some of their fattest fellow patients from the ward down to the vending machines and back, and perhaps establish a glimmer of self-loathing, moderation and personal responsibility.

Anne Fallow is in charge of the trial, and explained the NHS’s new approach to dealing with the clinically greedy.Continue reading →