Reflections of a Straight Girl: What Does It Mean to Be an Ally?

My sister Zara, wrote this recently for her blog @ ZaraChiron.com. It was so moving, touching, and insightful that I felt compelled to share with you all. If you have siblings, parents, family members etc, that haven’t yet come around, I hope you find inspiration in this piece, to be patient (and brave) enough to remain open to their own journey of moving closer to you so that one day, you’ll be as fortunate as I am to know what it means to be loved by an ally.

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Summer 2006, my world was redefined by a simple act of bravery.

My sister Spectra, sheepishly and hurriedly flung a letter at me while I slept ever-so-lazily on her frame-less futon, amidst the fur balls also known as her tuxedo kitties, and then exited the room. For a second, I thought I had dreamed it, but noticed the curious expression of the dude-cat as he put his wet nose to the paper.

As I sat up and began to read, I wondered, “Geez! What could I have done this time?” since my sister had taken to reprimanding me through written notes ever since I started living with her so as to avoid full on conflict. I was greatly unaware of the depth and power of the words on the page I held in my hands, words that would reshape the world as I knew it, and raise my personal level of consciousness. By the time I finished reading what I now regard as the “Coming Out Letter” (which I still have in my treasure bag of memorable goodies!) I was – simply put – instantaneously changed; and for the better.

At first I felt relieved, grateful, even flattered that she would share something so personal with me at all, given our shared understanding; that in Nigerian culture and society, it is both socially unacceptable and illegal to be gay. As in, literally, illegal! I am thoroughly embarrassed and saddened to admit that a gay person is seen as spiritually abominable, emotionally unstable, mentally ill and generally perceived as decadent. No doubt, these perceptions are hypocritical and outrageously revolting to me — especially since there is so much that is truly decadent about the greedy puppets that control (and perpetuate further corruption of) Nigerian society, but how would my sister have known how I felt? Am I not Nigerian — like her? Did we not both grow up in the same homophobic environment riddled with discriminatory vocabulary, aggressive ignorance and deep-rooted disapproval of the gay community?

Her bravery was deeply touching and evoked an emotional response in me. I began to cry; not because she let me in on something so delicately significant, but because she had taken the monumental step to face, accept and explore the truth about the person she is; a spirit that will not, cannot be dictated by society or even manipulated by an intelligent, yet societally programmed mind; this person she was revealing to me could only ever be expressed and seen by an open heart.

I felt I had been given the ultimate gift: a chance to Love.

Even more beautiful than having somebody love you is having someone to let down their armor, open a door to let you love them in return; when they say, “This is me and I am giving you permission to know and love the entire person that I am” it is nothing less than intimate and absolute power bestowed that comes with a depth of responsibility.

My sister had kept out of sight, watching my expression through the hinge cracks, no doubt nerves on-end as I read the letter and began to cry. She peeked into the room, and as I sniffled confirmed that it was safe to enter. As she crouched next to me on the carpet, crying and reaching out for a hug, I remember, I said to her — a little choked up, how “I had never loved her more.” I meant it, and her relief in form of free-flow weeping confirmed that she understood, but I am not sure she truly grasped my words or the meaning behind them. Still, I recognized the moment for what it was; a beginning. And, I promised myself I would evolve along with Spectra and be a better sister to her — to every aspect of who she is so that one day she would come to know those words of mine to be as deeply true.

The transition has not been entirely smooth. I had to banish any and all remnants of cast-off ignorance that lingered in my system and get to know my sister all over again, as queer; this is still and always should be work in progress. And by work, I mean ‘work’ from both parties. I’ve been resourceful — what would I have done without my handy cousin Google, the L Word, Will & Grace, and a whole lot of QWOC+ events?! It helped that my sister was constantly inviting me to ‘see’ her, to be a part of something she’d once been afraid to share. Whether it was a QWOC+ event she wanted me to help her with, a lesbian film she wanted to watch (and could actually relate to, “Saving Face”!), a book for me to digest and discuss with her, etc, she always showed me that she wanted me to be a part of her life. I’ve had many illuminating conversations with Spectra herself, but I’m sure she will agree that we’d never have gotten to the point where we are now — sisters, friends, and loyal allies to each others causes — if I didn’t keep pushing myself to learn, and grow.

It is easy to not notice prejudice when you have the luxury of not needing to do so. It is easy to overlook, neglect and breeze over things that “do not (directly) concern you.” It is even easier to not acknowledge your own privilege, dismiss obvious inequalities under a countless number of justifications and excuses, because in so doing, you rid yourself of the only humane course of action — to take a stand for something.

Sure, it’s not that hard to continue pretending (especially to yourself) that you are all that and a bag of gummy bears when it comes to your “open-mindedness” and “inclusivity” (“Hey, look, I’ve got so many gay friends!”), but you cannot escape the truth; it will always find you and test you in the most personal way. What then will you do? When “the truth” cannot be hidden under a phony political discussion over cocktails to make you appear like the conscious intellectual sort? What will you do when the “issue” is now a “person” that you know and claim to love?

Before Spectra really let me in, I honestly felt like I was “for” the “gay community”, but now I understand that being an ally is way more than just a social or political “stance” on an “issue” — it is truly personal. When it comes to justice and equality for human beings, there is no in between, no neutrality; passivity might as well be aggression for you are either for or against. Period. I am a person who loves my sister, all parts of her, and will stand up to anyone, movement, person, or drunken slurr-throwing a**hole to protect her. There’s nothing political about that.

I do, of course, recognize my privilege in the knowledge that I am a straight, petite “girly” young woman who loves stilettos and baby doll dresses with a heterosexual preference for men that is globally accepted, but I passionately honor my personal linkage to the fight for LGBT equality and for the right for anyone to express the “self” by speaking out in spaces in which my sister is not as comfortable or present. It’s one thing to be an ally at QWOC+ events, it’s another thing to be an ally when you’re outnumbered by narrow-minded and/or ignorant straight men and women. But trust, l am always ready! Lock and Load! *haha kidding*

I may not be a direct member of the community–but I am sure as Helen a sister to it because at the end of the day, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, transgender, gender-queer and everyone in between who refuse to adhere to “labels” are human beings like me; we are all just people. We should all have the right to be ourselves. We are all human beings and citizens of this interesting (and often twisted) world of ours. So — my sister aside — that is reason enough for me to care enough to want to read a book (or RSVP “yes” to all 300 QWOC+ events on Facebook).

As human beings, the more we connect with each other — recognize, explore, accept and even celebrate how we differ — the more we can see who we are inside more clearly. I feel connected to more people in the world than I did before and, in turn, have developed a stronger sense of self; my world has expanded, my experiences are more conscious, and I am a much better person.

So I call on all of you, friends, brothers, parents, sisters, school teachers etc., of the brave people of the LGBT/Queer community. Push yourselves. Check yourselves. And grow, via healthy balance of stepping out of your comfort zones, listening, asking questions, and seeking new ways to learn about the struggles (and victories!) of your loved ones. If you don’t do this — become a more purposeful ally to someone else — for someone you claim to love, then at least do it for yourself.

About the Author

QWOC Media WireQueer Women of Color Media Wire is a media advocacy organization that amplifies media and thought leadership of lesbian, bisexual, and transgender women, including gender non-conforming racial and ethnic minorities all across the globe. Follow us on Twitter @qwocmediawire, Tumblr (http://qwocmediawire.tumblr.com/), or Like us on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/qwocmediawire).View all posts by QWOC Media Wire →

This is so beautiful and moving. I have half a mind to show it to some of my family/friends… This post reminds me a lot of my older sister and I am reminded, again, how blessed I am to have several family/friends who ARE allies to me.

Both you and Spectra are legitimately amazing. Keep writing and working toward becoming even more powerful and awe-inspiring warrior women!

MYLL

…an awesome piece which does justice to depicting the strength and beauty that these two women have, inside and out.

M.Y.L-L

…an awesome piece, doing justice in depicting the strength and beauty that these two women embody, both inside and out…

M.Y.L-L

…an awesome piece, doing justice in depicting the strength and beauty of these two women (and what they stand/write/ARE for), both inside and out…

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10300615 Yarimee Gutierrez

Zara…..thank you for this post. It brought me to tears. The honesty, the fierce loyalty and your being brave enough to recognize and own where YOU are accountable- out of love- is something this I wish all people had courage enough to do. I sent this piece to my mom in hopes that she could get a different perspective than the one she gets from her very close minded religious circle. Having your words to speak where I can't are something I am so grateful for.

We need your voice out there 🙂

PS: Beyond what was said the writing was soo good too! #writingnerd

http://www.uriahbell.com Uriah Bell

Zara, can I just say WOW? This piece is incredibly well written, and very personal. You touched on some things that we all feel, deny, overlook and convince ourselves of. The bravery and honesty in your words make you a pioneer in this fight, and while we LGBTQ people feel like we're the only ones fighting, we fail to pay homage to our straight allies

"I felt I had been given the ultimate gift: a chance to Love." – this line repeats over and over to me, and all I can say is thank you for it.

On a personal note, if you don't mind, I'd love to direct my mother to your blog. I think , no I know she would benefit from your words. Thank you for your bravery, strength, understanding, compassion and most of all for your VOICE. Please, never let it be silenced.

Cricket

Ditto to all of the above. This is amazingly written AND brought tears to my eyes AND makes me think of my own wonderful sister and family, and thank you. I'm so glad this blog is here 🙂

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