Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Exclusive Q&A with Chase Utley

We Should Be GMs is proud to unveil our second exclusive interview within the span of a week. We were able to coax the usually mum Chase Utley into a Q&A session for the ages. The remarkable truths that come through in this piece of outstanding journalism are worthy of a Pulitzer.

Q: Have you improved at all?A: Yeah, over the past few weeks I've been able to hobble to the bathroom in the middle of the night rather than use the bedpan. Also, the swelling has been downgraded to the size of a softball from the previous balloon-like "pumpkin" label.

Q: Are you close to running? Are you close to taking grounders?A: Yeah, I've started to take some light ground balls the past few days from the luxury of my La-Z-Boy while playing MLB 2K11 on the Wii. And that's definitely a positive. I haven't started running yet. We're negotiating with the league for allowance of a personal caddy, like Babe Ruth used to have to run the bases for him back in his fat heyday.

Q: What are you optimistic about? Getting on the field or avoiding surgery?A: Well, I'm super psyched about this new Apple Martini flavor that Skoal is coming out with later this week in accordance with Opening Day. 10 cents of every tin goes to my charity, so I'm optimistic about that. Getting on the field won't be a problem either; I'm using the Phanatic's ATV. Surgery...screw that.

Q: Is it within grasp? Do you have a timetable?A: No, right now there is no timetable. What the hell is a timetable anyway? Isn't time kept on a clock or watch. I've never seen a table keep time. English sure is a funny language. Seriously though, I might be back by the All-Star break, or shortly thereafter.

Q: You said there's progress. How would you describe that progress?A: Being able to transport myself without use of wheelchair or crutches is progress. Can you imagine me turning a double play in a Hoveround?

Q: Who is the specialist you saw? And how many have you seen?A: If I tell you, I have to kill you. I'm gangsta like that. Ryan Howard ain't got shit on me son.Q: What's the big secret?A: The specialist is south of the border and the drugs...strike that, the medicine they're supplying me isn't exactly FDA approved. Ya know what I mean?

Q: In your mind will you be on the field this year?A: Absolutely. Actually playing is another matter altogether.

Q: Do you feel confident that will happen?A: Who knows? If this "prescription" does what it says it will do, and I'm able to pass my piss test, then yeah.

Q: How much research have you done on surgery? And if you had surgery there would be a microfracture?A: First off, I research nada. That's what the trainers get paid for. Secondly, surgery hurts. I don't mind pain, but honestly getting cut open sucks.

Q: Ruben said a couple weeks ago surgery is risky. It could help, but there also is real risk it could make the condition worse. Is that your understanding? Could it make your condition worse?A: Not sure how much worse my condition could get. I guess amputation would be worse. I don't know, life is risky, ya know.

Q: Are you moving laterally with these ground balls?A: No, my La-Z-Boy only reclines.

Q: Is it tough not to have a timetable? You've always beat timetables in the past.A: Dammit, back to this f**kin' timetable bullshit again? Next question.

Q: Are you treating in any way other than normal stretching and rehab? Injections?A: Balco has given me 2 injections thus far, and a cream to rub on my knee. Stretching? Nah, only to pull up my underwear. Does that count?

Q: If you can calm this down and get back on the field, are you fearful the way you play -- pounding on it - will make it flare up again?A: Pat Burrell taught me how to play and that's to be a machine. Ain't no reprogramming this machine fellas.

Q: How difficult has this whole process been?A: It's not bad. Jen gives me sponge baths every night and waits on me hand-and-foot like a good woman should. Also, I'm still getting paid, so really it's not bad at all.

Q: Is this something you'll have to deal with the rest of your career? Or can it go away?A: You best believe my knee is f**ked for life.

Q: How many doctors have you talked to?A: Tons. I even called Meredith Grey the other day, but it turns out she's only an actress and that's not even her real name. TV is so phony!

Q: You said there is no timetable, but do you see yourself back before the All-Star break? That's three months away.A: Next person who utters the word "timetable" gets their throat slit. Interview over!