How To Deal When Your Kids Are Being Assholes

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me “it’s just a phase” about my children or when I have said the same thing to my friends to reassure them…I’d be rich!

I’m pretty sure the majority of that money would be coming from that voice inside my own head, saying “don’t worry, it’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it and be the best of friends”, “don’t worry, it’s just a phase, her attitude will fade soon enough”, “don’t worry it’s just a phase, he’ll learn to love school”. All the while taking deep breathes and wondering when it’s socially acceptable for me to start drinking.

My kids are 5 and 11 and I’ve come to the conclusion that these so called “phases” and “terrible twos” or “threenager” crap is all bullshit. The thing is, children are people and sometimes…people are just assholes. But when you are kid, you just don’t know how to deal. Everything needs to happen NOW and it’s like a million times worse then it really is. As a kid, you have no real power except being super cute and maybe sometimes…the world’s biggest asshole.

I’ll be honest though. Kids are not assholes all of the time. But their assholeishness comes in clusters of waves. So yes, I guess you could call that a phase. But be prepared because another one of these “phases” is right around the corner. Like, literally.

I thought I was just so lucky with Wes. He was never any trouble. No such thing as terrible twos or threenagers over here. Easy as pie. Until he turned 5…thats when shit really hit the fan.

All of a sudden that kid became an expert on everything in his short little life. Sometimes, he’s kind of right and other times I just ignore it because I just don’t have the energy to explain why he’s wrong. And then I wonder what the point of that would even be because he wouldn’t believe me anyway. He’s too stubborn.

There are times where everybody just seems to be in sync with each other. And those times are just glorious! But unfortunately, those times don’t last long. Somebody always has to ruin it by being an asshole. I’m not going to put all the blame on the rest of the family, because sometimes, before I’ve had enough coffee, it could be me that was the asshole. It happens.

It’s not always easy to deal with these so called “phases”, but I think I have figured out some tried and true ways of dealing when my kids are being assholes. I hope they help to give you some ideas as well.

1. Send them to their rooms.

2. Play the silent game.

3. Give them chores to do.

4. Have them go outside for a certain amount of time.

5. Go for a walk as a family.

6. Go outside yourself.

7. Go shopping. By yourself of course.

8. Hide out in your closet and call a friend.

9. Go for a walk by yourself.

10. Workout.

11. Have them say 5 nice things about each other. This works if they are fighting with each other.

12. Crawl into the fetal position and cry.

13. Sell them on the black market and move to a fancy island with your new found money.

And if all else fails…put them to bed early, grab a bottle of wine and binge on Netflix.

Last words of wisdom.

Whether this is a good phase or a bad one, just know that this too shall pass.

Something else is always waiting for you around the river bend. Maybe it’s another “phase”, a longing for the times when they were oh so little and adorable, or it could be a well deserved breather and a case of beer. You never know. Parenting is its own special kind of roller coaster. It can be fun, sweet, scary and sometimes you just want that sweet relief of vomiting your insides out. Remember, that when you finally get the time to stop and smell the roses, there’s some serious shit about to go down. But for some biologically, masochistic reason, you don’t ever want the ride to end.

Enjoy it while you can. One day your kids will be grown and your roller coaster ride will mellow out and won’t be nearly as fun. And remember…