Sunday, September 23, 2007

I think CB is on the way - know why I think that? Because I'm getting my second yeast infection in a month (and my temp was down today too). The little booklet that came with the medicine I got last time did say that it could be associated with AF. Never happened to me before, but now, both cycles! Post-coital burning last night was NOT a pleasant sensation. I really hope this is not going to be a monthly occurrence. On the plus side, it looks like my LP this month will be 8 days, up from 5 last month. Heading in the right direction, at least!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

DD mentioned in a recent post how she was always the last one picked for teams through her school years.

Me too.

And as I was reading her post I was thinking about how my status in the social hierarchy during my early teen years has affected me through the rest of my life.

As a kid I was not particularly athletic, nor particularly popular. I had my friends, but we were definitely not the cool crowd - in fact, I often joke that I was a 'band geek'. I did go to music camp. My life was about academics, band, chorus, orchestra, small ensemble, and my friends who were mostly into the same things.

I was quite shy. An introvert. I moved to a new school when I was in third grade, and the teachers called my parents in; I wasn't playing with the other children during recess, but rather reading books.

I always wanted so desperately to fit in, to be cool, to be liked. Not to be laughed at. I was a late bloomer, and often got teased about it. In sixth grade I was standing next to the trash bin and one of the boys used me to bank a crumpled piece of paper off to 'score'. And then made a lovely joke about how I was flat enough to be a backboard. I got teased for my shoes - I had the velcro kind with cartoon characters on them, even in sixth grade. Never wore those again.

I didn't drink or go to parties, wasn't sexually active until late in high school. All of which meant that I was on the outside looking in. Another incident that will always stay with me was Halloween of sophomore year of high school; my little group of friends got together at my house, dressed up and went trick or treating. Of course we happened to go to the house of one of our classmates who was having a party - the laughter when he opened the door and saw us was particularly cruel.

I got used to being an observer. Wanting desperately to participate, but afraid to do so. Used to being left out, overlooked, picked last.

That feeling has stayed with me well into my adult years. I'm a lot less shy, have become athletic, have taken on plenty of leadership positions, and am well-liked in any group situation I'm in, I still have the fears of being left behind and laughed at.

Case in point - when I went to NYC to meet up with the two ladies I had met on the HA board. They have each flown cross-country to visit the other, so clearly know each other much better than I do. As we walked from the park where we had met up for lunch back to the trump towers for the babies' naps, I was totally anticipating them walking side by side, conversing with each other while I walked behind trying despearately to be part of it. To my surprise and pleasure, my fears were totally unfounded. Sometimes the three of us wuold talk, sometimes, me and L, or me and S, or S and L, but I didn't feel like a third wheel as I was totally expecting to.

Then this week I was at an offsite for work (my first nights away from Ant!). We had some unexpected free time on Wednesday afternoon, so a group of the 'cool' kids was going out for a drink. I asked them to wait for me while I ran up to my room, came back down anticipating that they would have left without me - but they were still there. Then we had a nice time, during which I was completely included in the conversation, and even some of the jokes and teasing that inevitably goes on in those situations.

So clearly I am not the social pariah that I once was, and most other people have grown out of the cliques of the high school era. But the innermost little girl in me is still so afraid!

How about you? Do you have any similar demons from middle and high school? If you were one of the popular crowd back then, do you have a different viewpoint on things, both then and now?

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was crossing my breath and holding my fingers that I would cycle normally again after finishing breastfeeding.

I had one false alarm towards the end of BFing, and then a real ovulation right around the time I stopped, with the good old crimson bitch showing up a measly 5 days later. But she showed up!!!

Around CD10 of this cycle (and I am so excited that I can say that!) I started seeing some fertile signs, so started temping and OPKing. Today (CD20), I got a real positive OPK! Last time I had two days where the test line was almost as dark but not quite, and then did O after that - today's test was actually even darker than the control line. So I think I'm ready to call it - I no longer have hypothalamic amenorrhea. I may have other cycle issues, but it seems clear that my hypothalamus is sending out the signals it's supposed to be.

Monday, September 10, 2007

A couple of weeks ago (yikes!) Ant and I went to NYC for the day to meet up with a couple of women I have met on the HA message board. It was a last minute decision to go - one of the women was visiting for the week from Colorado, so I decided that it was unlikely that I'd get another chance to see her anytime soon so I'd give it a shot.

I left on Tuesday night right around Ant's bedtime of 7pm, hoping that he'd fall asleep on the way down. He did, but not until 8:40 or so. He was reasonably content in his car seat, so that wasn't too bad. When we arrived in NYC, we were staying with a good friend of mine from college. (Sidebar - we realized we've known each other for over fifteen years, I can't believe college was that long ago!!!). Ant was SO excited when we arrived, there was no way my plan of putting him immediately in his Pack-n-Play to go to sleep was going to work. All the cars for him to look at "cah cah cah!", lights "ight, IGHT!" - just too much excitement. He finally went to sleep again at around 1am. And then of course we were awoken at 4am by a stupid truck blaring its horn right outside the window. I took Ant into the bed with me (which I hardly ever do), so he got some more sleep, but I really didn't.

The next day we hung out with my friend and her little dog, whom Ant totally loved. He kept sticking his hands out for the dog to lick. So cute. Then the pooch would try and lick Ant's face, he would put his hands up to push her away, and make the cutest expression of disgust. Too funny.

Around lunch time, we headed down to the subway to meet up with the other women from the HA board and their girls. I was a little dismayed to find that the subway system is not very handicap (i.e. stroller) accessible. I ended up walking about a mile to get to a station with an elevator, which took me down to the main concourse. I couldn't for the life of me find another elevator to get down to the tracks, so eventually asked a guy who looked like he worked there. After he looked around for a minute and couldn't find anything, he very nicely offered to help me carry the stroller down the stairs. Score one for the New Yorkers!

On the other end, I got out of the train, with no sign of elevators anywhere, so another random nice guy helped me get the stroller up all the stairs, and then even pointed me in the right direction. New Yorkers, plus two.

We had a really nice time with my compatriots and their daughters. We all had lunch in a park, then Ant needed a nap (I forgot to mention that in addition to his stroller I was toting around his Pack-n-Play - surprisingly it fit nicely in the bottom of our wheels). So we went back, not to S's apartment as it was very small, but to the apartment of a friend of hers where L was staying - in the Trump Towers. Very swish!

Ant took a decent nap, and then we had to get on our way to meet up with someone else from the board. I was walking at a reasonably good pace to get back to the subway station, as I was afraid we would be late, and of course my cell phone was dying. (What on earth did we do before cell phones???). I was on the far left of the sidewalk, and saw a man in camoflage walking on the far right. I thought to myself, "Oh, I hope he's going to the train station too, I'm sure he'd be willing to help me carry the stroller down". Yeah. Not so much. He turned to me all the way on the other side of the sidewalk as I passed him, and said in a thoroughly nasty tone of voice, "Oh sure, just push everyone out of your way". I turned to look at him because I got the sense he was talking to me but had no idea why, and he said "Yes, I'm talking to you. I don't know how you sleep at night".

I was so taken aback. Granted, with the Graco metrolite stroller, we were not exactly city friendly, but I didn't run into anyone, nor was I pushing anyone out of my way at all. And I was totally no where near him. I just found it so bizarre! And such a contrast to all the other people who had been so nice and helpful to me earlier. And again when I did get to the station. I was laughing to myself afterwards - he should have seen me earlier when S, L and I were walking three across with our strollers on the sidewalk, or maneuvering through the deli where we got our lunch.

The rest of the day was just lovely, and Ant slept the entire way home and didn't even wake up when we transferred him to his crib on my arrival. All in all I was very glad that we went. Except for that one jerk!

About Me

Thought I would "get healthy" in preparation for having a baby. Lost 20lbs to a BMI of around 20 in May-Jun '04. Went off the pill right after that, and surprise surprise, didn't even get my period. Diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea. Gained some weight, cut exercise, didn't have anyone else with HA to ask questions of, so ended up moving to injectables, 4 BFN cycles. Surprise natural pregnancy while waiting to do IVF (and having gained those 20lbs back, cut my exercise 50%). DS#1 born 08/2006. Cycled fairly normally 1 year later, DS#2 born 09/2008. Cycles returned 10 months later. M/c 06/2010, then DS#3 born 04/2012 through IVF.