Spoof news stories from Friday 8 June 2012

LOS ANGELES - Well it appears that the old Charlie Sheen has returned from the "Land of The Spaced Out" and has made an appearance at L.A.'s Staples Center.
According to Fuchsia Garfunkel with The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle Sheen had gone to th...

As predicted by the Mayans, the Lost City of Gold has been discovered, opening the way for the apocalyptic destruction of the planet, as foretold in ancient scriptures.
Underneath the thick, virgin rainforest cover in the Mosquitia region of Hondu...

A group of concerned Dorking residents have protested that a new national park is planned to be set up in the North Downs. It has been designated an area of outstanding natural beauty and is to be made into a national park.
"It's a disgrace," said...

Cleveland, Ohio, the Home of Rock and Roll - A group of self-described "Mormon archaeologists" were arrested today at the Whiskey Island Akzo-Noble salt mine in Cleveland, Ohio.
"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what they were doing to that...

In yet another dramatic climb-down for the government, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith announced today that ATOS will no longer be carrying out medical assessments on the sick and disabled, ending the government's controversial contract...

The racehorse I'll Have Another has been scratched from Saturday's Belmont Stakes, ending its bid to become the first Triple Crown winner in 34 years, as he has contracted the dreaded zombie virus.
The beast is reportedly foaming at the mouth, has...

Further deaths from an outbreak of Rionnaires' disease are highly likely, doctors warned yesterday.
The recent outbreak is centred on Heathrow, and the number of confirmed cases rose to 157 (although some have been lost). And there are still thous...

London - A throwaway line about remedies for dealing with Jubilee party food over-indulgence has rebounded on thousands of outraged detractors.
BBC presenter Fearne Cotton showcased an eye-catching commemorative vomit bag festooned with the Queen'...

Krakow, Poland - Football fans from both Cracovia and Wisla Ultras groups made the unprecedented step of standing shoulder to shoulder in a conference room at the Swastaki Hotel, here today, in order to deny allegations of racism levelled at Polish f...

The BBC has employed an East End Cockney to read the local lunchtime news. Programme editors felt the gritty accent and down to earth attitude may help raise ratings.
Mr Clive Danton, from West Ham was chosen after attending several auditions in Lon...

After enduring a long, wet, windy horrible winter and spring, summer has arrived to relieve the northern half of Europe from its misery. The only problem is; there is more of the wet, windy, horrible weather hitting the shores of Britain and Northen...

Polish football fans are furious after Dutch players went on a tirade of racial abuse aimed at Poles. Some Poles threatening to walk out of the country until the Dutch are eliminated from the tournament.
Polish fans claim that Dutch players made b...

After studying weather patterns and hosepipe ban data for the past thirty years, professor of homoeopathic meteorology, Derrick Huge, has discovered a correlation between hosepipe bans and subsequent heavy rain. Moreover, he believes he has an explan...

Miss Marple adjusted the truss and made her way into the dining hall. The people she had invited to dinner were seated by the butler in advance of her arrival, a little ruse Marple used to relax her guests and give them a false sense of security. It never failed she had nailed many a criminal in this fashion. Give them a hearty meal, a few drinks, and the barrier comes down.
Lord Butty and Dr W...

UEFA has been informed that there was racist chanting at the Netherlands team training session this week after some players reported hearing "monkey noises."
"UEFA has now been made aware that there were some isolated incidents of racist chanting,...

Plans announced this week for a swathe of new TV light entertainment programmes have boosted the numbers of volunteers for a vigilante organisation.
TV Repair Man, the shadowy group pledged to ridding the TV schedules of what it describes as "moro...

Windows made from plate glass should be outlawed, says a man, after claims that a fly repeatedly flew into one.
The fly, who cannot be named because it is nameless, became trapped in the Bangkok apartment of Moys Kenwood, originally from Hull in E...

A non descript man from the Manchester slum area of Weatherfield has received a knighthood but claims he has no idea why while former Take That singer, all round good egg, super slimmer and super Royalist Gary Barlow snubbed!
It appears though th...

Leaders of the Senate and House intelligence committees said Thursday they were drafting legislation to further limit who can access bathrooms, toilets, WCs, lavatories…call them what you will…..after a serious of high profile leaks have Americans a...

Gloucestershire - She's been busy incubating some genetically modified parasitic mites suspected of zombifying most of the United Kingdom into Diamond Jubilee stupor last week.
Carried on infected worker drones' probosces the bugs emit a lethal pa...

TSA Headquarters, Washington, DC - The recent transit of Venus will go into the record books with an asterisk, according to the Transit Space Authority.
"She jumped the turnstile without putting in a token", complained TSA spokesman Buckler Q. Cro...

LeBron James desperately needed to have a Michael Jordan moment. Instead, he had a Frankenstein's Monster moment.
Having become a figure of folly and absurdity, he took the stage to turn the Absurd world of basketball on ESPN on its ear.
Single...

Former England footballer Rio Ferdinand has apparently received a surprise telegram today from Ukraine. from an unlikely source.
Ferdinand, currently on holiday in an undisclosed location, received a letter from the English FA.
On opening the...

WASHINGTON DC - The First Lady agreed today to have her derriere reduced in size by 75 percent via plastic surgery to be green.
According to press under-secretary, Toid D. Phlush, the First Lady got the idea when she heard about whole forests bei...

The German version of Masterchef, Meisterkoch has been taken off the air when it was revealed that the contestant calling himself Hans Waschen was the suspected cannibal Luka Magnotta.
"We were initially okay with Magnotta's first round dish," sai...

World champion 100m sprinter Mr Usain Bolt has stated publicly that he believes he can smash his own 9.58-second world record to "smithereens" at next month's London 2012 Olympic Games, and that he fully intends to regain the title he won in Beijing...

LOS ANGELES - President Obama flew into Tinsel Town to have a face-to-face talk with one of his biggest financial backers actor George Clooney.
Clooney's recent $40,000 a plate fundraiser at his Hollywood Hills mansion helped raise $15.2 million t...

Former Prime Minister Lady Thatcher has been admitted to a Surrey nursing home The Spoof can exclusively reveal. The 86 year old vintage Tory was chauffeur driven from her plush Pall Mall penthouse to The Michael Foot Home for Political Relics in Eps...

WASILLA, Alaska - Sarah Palin has written a book in which she talks about her future presidential aspirations.
The book is titled How My Lack of Geographical Knowledge Sunk My Friggin Political Halibut Boat All To Hell.
Palin co-authored the bo...

HAMBURG, Germany - The great big yellow submarine that looms over the entrance to The Beatlemania Museum in downtown Hamburg will soon be sailing away for parts unknown.
Loretta Piffinshaw with London's Ta Ta For Now News traveled to the German ci...

PARKER, Colorado - Joe the Soda Jerk, of Woolpuke's Drugs, had explained to a large crowd of reporters Saturday, 31 January 2009 , exactly what was going on in the banking world under the opaque TARP - where the money was really going.
"Let's say your a banker. You make money by sticking a straw up people and sucking out what ever is inside, aspartame, blood, whatever they got.
"Well, one da...

HOW TO DIE
How to die. That is the question posed by the nation's magazine. But, is it:
TIME TO DIE
It probably is if you are an establishment news magazine that feeds people propaganda that is no longer believed by people capable of reading for themselves on the internet what is happening.
That is why TheSpoof.com says
TIME TO LIVE
Time to enjoy some humor. SO, forget about dy...

NEW YORK - UPDATE 1 - Elvis is dying again.
The robot was signing well when it paused for refreshment. After drinking a sugary 32 ounce soda in New York city, angry mobs of Bloomberg supporters chased the robot down Broadway, carrying 2 liter bott...