Spring Style Awakening

I am at risk of being kicked out of female population. What is my crime? Being a beauty outlaw. If forced to testify in front of presiding judge Estée Lauder, I would confess that my feet have not seen the light of day (or a nail salon) since 2008, my hands resemble a hyperactive 2nd grader and my attempt at a makeshift version of "The Harry Josh Job" (outgrown roots with lighter ends a la Cameron Diaz) looks more like a poverina who can't afford highlights. As if the charges against me weren't bad enough, the style portion of my brain has been dormant the last two months. Clearly the extra month of solitary hibernation from frigid temperatures is the enabler to my negligence. Till the weather starts to warm, I will check into a rehabilitation programmed that will help restore my sanity.

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Step 1: Admitting powerlessness to Momofuku Milk Bar's crack pie, Lucien's Steak au Poivre and Annie's Macaroni and Cheese after the most aerobic workout I had in months was getting into my black skinny jeans that embarrassingly have a stretch to them.

Step 2: Admitting to loved ones (Associate Photo Editor, Juliet Jernigan) that men's vintage Levis, flannel shirt and JanSport backpack was not a style phase inspired by Joe Zee but a cry for help from a style depression.

Step 3: Reacquaint with your former self with the purchase of a bold statement piece. Venus is in retrograde till the 15th, which advises against grandiose purchases. To pacify, I turned to ebay to find something that materially represented a tribal gaucho with a membership to Stevie Nick's fan club.

Step 4: Admit when you're wrong. Taking an alcoholic to a bar is like having access to the ELLE accessories closet for my own trimming. I realized I was high when I thought my 1970's does Victorian-style hat was a subtle addition in the art of accessorizing.

Step 5: Spiritually rise off of the couch, turn off the Real Housewives of New York marathon (I have seen every episode at least a dozen times) and go get a stupid manicure.