“Now, Miz Maggie, if you tell anyone about this conversation, it’s a felony.”

“That’s not how it works.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“Who the fuck is this?”

“We could Skype.”

“Goodbye, Congressman.”

…

“Hello?”

“Maggie, it’s Congressman John Conyers. Are you wearing clothing that gives you free access to your titties?”

“Completely inappropriate.”

“Nah. Friendly banter.”

“Rough week, huh?”

“Everyone’s lying but me. I have done nothing wrong. You know what they called harassment? Sneaking up behind women while they were at their desks and laying my hairy root on their shoulder. That’s wrong now?”

“Not ‘now.’ Always. That has always been wrong.”

“But that’s my move!”

“Jesus.”

“I would say “There’s a mouse on your shoulder!” and when they would look, I would slap ’em in the face with my meat.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Sure, you can; you just need enough meat. Short-dicked man can’t play that game.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“Oh thank God. I’m hanging up on you, Congressman Conyers.”

“Press the phone up against your titties.

“Goodbye,”

…

“Hello?”

“Ms. Haberman, this is Roy Moore and I’m going to get right to the point: do you have daughters?”