Thursday, October 24, 2002

Dems Gain Control of Senate!

Happy Fun Pundit operative "Dan"

Confused Since Jeffords' Defection?

Well, after struggling for half a year to stay up and running on blogger, we've thrown in the towel. We are moving our web site to a new host, which will not only improve reliability of the site and access to the archives, but it will give us the ability to do a few more sophisticated things on the web site. Be afraid.

If you have us linked somewhere as happyfunpundit.blogspot.com, please change it to happyfunpundit.com. And if our domain or web site is a little confused for a while, it will be due to the move. Unless the Democrats gain control of the Senate. Then it's their fault.

"The information is so non-specific that there is nothing one can do to reasonably thwart what might or might not happen," said Michael Mason, special agent in charge of the Sacramento FBI field office. "It is information that, if it was on a scale of one to 100, I would give it a one."

One unnamed source, who agreed to speak to Happy Fun Pundit on the condition that we protect his identity by using a funny typeface, went even further:

I'd have to say that you'd be a complete jackass to respond to this threat. Anyone with even the slightest amount of sense would dismiss this threat as the worst kind of schoolyard whisper, utterly without credibility. This is the kind of threat that comes from someone driving past a power plant and saying, hey, it would suck if terrorists wrecked the power plant. And this remark was not made by someone you know, but someone who's a friend of your cousin from upstate. That's how credible the threat is. Frankly, this threat sucks. It's a lousy, stupid, good-for-nothing threat. You know what? I'm just gonna flat out say, don't respond to this threat. Don't do anything. It's just so lame that it's an embarrassment. Please... in the name of all that's sacred... you should ignore this threat. Nonetheless, we're advising local law enforcement to be have an extra cup of coffee on Friday, just to be on the safe side.

The state government has responded to the threat by moving Governor Gray Davis' hair to a secure, undisclosed location.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Universe May Be Within Ten Billion Years of Destruction

Scientists at Stanford University have put forward a new theory on the expansion and contraction of the universe, postulating that the universe may be "middle-aged" and could collapse and vanish with 10-20 billion years. The key to this new idea is that the so-called "dark energy", which is hypothesized to drive the universe's expansion, may be changing in nature and could eventually become a compressive force, leading to universal instability and collapse.

Opponents of the war in Iraq were quick to point out that US President George W. Bush has completely ignored the problem of universal contraction in his "mad rush to war", and urged him to deal with this new problem before embarking on "overseas adventures". As Massachussetts Senator Ted Kennedy told reporters this morning:

To anyone with a sense of perspective, this new and ominous threat to the entire universe vastly outweighs any partisan concerns about a unilateral invasion of Iraq. Let America be a leader in providing humanitarian aid to those in developing countries affected by the collapse of the universe. Let's take those people of the third world who might otherwise be living under conditions like those found in the trash compactor in 'Star Wars', and build them decent housing --- with really strong walls --- to live through universal collapse with dignity.

Al Gore had similar remarks, but added that the compression of all matter in the universe is good news for those not in thrall to oil companies:

Smaller matter means smaller vehicles. Smaller vehicles are more efficient, have less environmental impact, and emit fewer greenhouse gases. We should welcome universal collapse with understanding and open arms, rather than buying into the scare rhetoric of energy interests and professors at elite universities. And, as Senator Kennedy has pointed out, it would be the height of irresponsibility for this nation to begin a new and ill-advised war before the collapse of the universe has been fully understood and dealt with.

Gore was also observed trying to get his wedding back on his sausage-link fingers, which have swollen enormously due to the former vice-president's habit of eating a lot.

International commentators were quick to condemn the collapse of the universe as "yet another example of American greed and non-multi-lateralness", pointing out that America's large mass contributes much more compressive gravitational force to the universe than the masses of smaller countries like as France and Germany. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien was quick to point out that, though Canada's land mass equals or exceeds America's, his Liberal government had taken strong measures to ensure that "dat weren't, you know, a bad ting, like da America mass."

In Palestine, PA leader Yasser Arafat called the universal collapse as "a Jewish trick to undermine the peace process" and "a backdoor method for illegally stealing more land for that illegal occupation-thing that Jews do, and also making my baby wipes smaller." He then angrily soiled his pants.

Fantastically biased and stupid news service Reuters ran the news under the headline "Israelis, Americans Deny Role in Massacre of Everything in Universe, Including Children and Cute Puppies".

"Once again, Barbra Streisand has opened her alligator-sized mouth wide before her humming-bird brain has had a chance to catch up," said Ermey. "Of course, she has the right to her opinion, but what she does is use the 'bully pulpit', helped by her fame, and people think she's talking for Hollywood."

A former Marine, Ermey is best known for his role as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, the drill instructor in "Full Metal Jacket", though he has a long and distinguished history of playing hardass characters. Y'know, "Yentl" and "Prince of Tides" would've been a lot better with a Marine drill instructor...

Sunday, October 20, 2002

And Speaking of Stupid Canadian Politicians...

Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien is back in the news after sharing a stage with the Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrullah, and Amish Tech Support wants help writing songs about it. Happy (and fun!) to oblige: