Free Willy? Nah! FREE AGENTS!

Hi. Before I start, let me just say I am all for freeing Willy. His incarceration was unwarranted and unnatural. Anyway, welcome to another edition of this article I have yet to name. Since this is mostly about sports, let’s talk sports.

This exact time of year is an interesting time of year. It’s one of the few times when most of the BIG American sports just aren’t happening. NFL? They’re doing a couple little camps here and there but nothing really crazy. Everyone gets a chance to recover from concussions. Hockey? Nope…all the ice melted so they gotta wait for that. Baseball? YES…baseball is happening, but AT THIS MOMENT, we’re in the middle of the all-star break, so none of our favorite teams are playing…unless you’re a cheater and call one of the all-star teams your favorite team and then you use that team in video games against your fiance like mine does against me in NBA Live for Xbox. Anyway, that brings us to the NBA. No, they’re not in season right now…they just ended with a stunning game 7 win for the Cleveland Cavilers taking down the favored Golden State Warriors (in a series that HAD to be rigged). As much as I think that there is no way that the Warriors could have been up 3-1 in the series and lost 3 straight games, I also can’t figure out how the NBA could have rigged it enough to alter a series that much. So instead, I’ll say congrats to Cleveland on their first championship in…what was it, 52 years I think? It was really cool to see Bron Bron bring home a championship like he promised. He’s been really great to his state after his brief departure to bring his talents to South Beach. He deserved it, they deserved it, Cleveland fans deserved it. I just hope JR Smith finally put a shirt back on…

So now that the championships are over and the draft is over, we get to one of the most exciting times in any sports fans life…THE FREE AGENT FRENZY! Or FAF, as no one calls it. Free Agent Frenzy time is kind of like if eBay offered the best things on Earth up for sale and the highest bidder gets to use it for the next few years…actually, no it’s not that at all. I’m not good with analogies today. If I need to explain why big free agents hitting the market is something you should be excited about, please message me. But be warned, it could take a while….

Image from kevindurant.com

Let’s start with the biggest signing of all…the Durantula himself, Kevin Durant. The 6-foot-million shooting Wizard left his beloved OKC Thunder to join the team that beat him in the Western Conference Championships, the Golden State Warriors. Many thought that was a traitorous move by Durant who had spent his entire career with the organization, but those people are dumb. This was a great move by The Durant-Eater, who not only signed for more money (54 and a half million over 2 years), but also is now part of a team that should bring him to the promised land and deliver him that coveted trophy he has lacked forever. We have all seen “Big 3’s” in basketball, which either work or bust in a big way, but how about a big FOUR?! QUOI?! FRENCH WORDS?! You already have league MVP Steph Curry, who is arguably the greatest pure shooter of all time, Klay Thompson who is arguably the best shooting guard in the league, and Draymond Green who arguably argues the most of anyone in the league, but you add one of the most athletic, hall of fame-bound best shooters of all time to those guys? On paper, it looks like… wait. No one uses paper anymore. Let’s say on Ipad or something, this team looks like they are already going to win the 2017 Finals. I’ll be making a trip to Vegas to put something on that one, and probably get no money back since everyone else will be doing the same thing. The only other HUGE signing is Dwayne Wade, who probably has a nickname too. That old man went from being on the Miami Heat for the last 247,092,487 years to his hometown Chicago Bulls. Apparently the Bulls don’t think he’s that old as he signed a 2-year, 47.5 million dollar deal. (I should have stuck to/been better at sports). What about James Harden? The bearded one stuck around with the Houston Rockets and signed a ridiculous 4-year, 118 million dollar deal. HOLY WOW! That’s a lot of money, Batman! Why am I talking to Batman?!

Laker fans, if you’re reading this, it’s probably not you. But as for me, we didn’t make any signings that I’m super pumped about. So…..that’s cool. Maybe we’ll win in 2 to 3 years. Maybe…hopefully…who knows” ::cries::

Well I suppose that’s it for today. I will be back soon to give you something good. I think it’s time I talked to you all about video games…sports video games. That will be coming up in my next issue, and it’s something I can talk about for roughly all of my life, so STAY TUNED! MAMBA OUT!