Which started with teaching me what I should have done differently in order to prevent damaging people (don’t try to FIX people, specifically do NOT get into that mode because it creates havoc), when the results of me screwing up earlier became present. And then it continued, yes…. on PROCRASTINATING and it explained what procrastinating really is. I have been looking for an explanation but had not found it. Then it continued on the ‘SHOULD’ issue and then it continued on ALCOHOL! All my issues on a plate in a few minutes.

He has a very interesting way of looking at alcohol abuse and getting people to do something about it. And funny to recognise it because it is what I did before I quit when reading the book of Jason Vale ‘Kick the drink easily’ where I, while drinking, would watch how I got into the drinking mode, where the addiction ‘attached’ to me, how it ‘got’ me and how to learn to cut that off of find other answers for that.

Isn’t that amazing? I thought it was. I am happy about it. Will check out more of his vids.

I went to pick up a book from the bookshop after that and got invited to have some tea with a few people sitting there. Before sitting down I became interested in this Tarot deck which card showed the back of what you would normally see. And I thought: ‘I’ld like to see that but it is still closed.’

And I sat down and 2 women had a tarot deck in their hands and the bookshop guy went over to get the other deck and said: ‘I’ld like to show you these.’ Which…. is a very good start I thought. And what continued is a conversation that included about 20 of the topics I have been thinking and learning about in the last months. It was amazing!

The guests left and I was about to pay and we came to speak about work and me not having any. And the conversation continued for 3 hours (!) after closing time in which he interviewed me about what I wanted and where my heart lay and slowly the fog in my head disappeared and started to show the real issues that keep me from doing stuff. I became just real tired. Not that continuous bleuh feeling that I had, but real tired.

And I really slept. And this morning I woke up and the whole world looks different again. I have not had my beta blockers for 2 days. So I guess I am officially cured from my beta blocker addiction. Yeah on me! My heart is beating ok, it feels like it is pumping blood instead of mud. Which in itself is a VERY NICE feeling. It’s alive! 🙂

And…. now I still do not know what to do with my life but I am practising having faith and thinking positively so: I will find out. 🙂

Look and you will find, ask and you will be given, knock and you shall be opened.

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit.

I want: dunno, that things are, I don’t know. More easy? But that is funny because I think I have it easy. Sort of. I want to continue living and really live my life to the fullest. Ooh shit that means that I need to make decisions I don’t want to make. Aah…. entry into hesitation discovered. I want to move to my homeland but I can’t do that if I don’t have a job there because I would be spending my money on moving and stuff and then be in an area where there are very few jobs in my field. So I need to move field. Hmm, need to investigate and turn these sentences into positive wordings and see what opens up then.

I need: food. I keep on forgetting to eat. Which is totally new. It came with one of the Schuessler salts. But the funny thing is I am not hungry and I can be hungry after I ate, so that is not going as it should yet. I took the salt for blood pressure stuff but is also ‘about’ something to do with hunger and not. I’ll just wait and see.

I wish you a very nice day from The Netherlands. I am hoping for snow here. It is 11:11 again, I keep on seeing that clock time almost every day.