almost yr old angry/blanking loving Grandma - help

Hi... I have written a few times recently. Anyway, the latest question is to do with how to respond and deal with my 2 yr 10 mnth old shouting and blocking my Mum, who is a lovely, lovely Grandma.

A brief background. My daughter and I moved out of the family home, when my hubby and I decided to separate, at the beginning of Dec (in Brazil) and then end of January we moved here, to the UK.

My Mum spent 2 1/2 months here with us, to help us adjust and settle us in. My daughter had undergone many changes and disruptions over a 2 mnth period and was also away from her Daddy, so we knew this was v hard for her and we both dealth, v sensitively with her emotional meltdowns and anger etc... my Mum got quite a bit, but she then was OK with her. They would go out together and to the library, park etc etc.... my Mum is extremely patient, loving, uses PD and understand children and toddlers a lot... anyhow, she went for 6 wks and is now back for 4 wks and has been here 2 weeks...

.... my daughter sometimes completely freaks out if my Mum comes in the room and she is on her own. SHe shouts "NO" at her and "No Nonnie!!" (her nick name for my Mum). She sometimes doesn't answer her and has been very 'offish' and angry with my Mum. My Mum has been strong, but is now getting v upset with it and I am too... I want to be sensitive to my daughter, who could be worried about my Mum leaving again, still processing her Dad is not around and there is a new threesome (she still talks about him and remembers things about him - they were close). I also would like my daughter to feel comfortable with my Mum. She is the small one and my main priority, but I also feel so sorry for my Mum who, understands it, but is bitterly disappointed and has been a tremendous help and support. My daughter is her only grandchild and very very special to her...

Any tips? help? I try to let my daughter know that Nonnie is my Mummy and kind and helpful and loves her. I try and explain we can be angry and can shout at the toys, but to not shout at Nonnie. Nonnie is not, in any shape or form, a shouter either.... nor am I, apart from a few times a month - at most, not strongly.

Any help or advice of how to handle this sensitively?

... other times she is fune with her and will read a book or eat and watch TV with her etc etc...

Something happened. If not in reality it happened in your daughters mind.

I would respect what your daughter wants and doesn't want and stop expressing disappointment or making a large issue out of her not connecting with her grandmother. She could be sensing your desire for feelings that she does not share.

I'm no psychiatrist but it could be that your daughter is missing her father and equates his absence with the presence of your mother. Does she have a relationship at all with her father anymore? Is it possible to have everyone together, amicably?

Children have a strange way of assembling facts. I strongly suspect that her showing favor to her grandmother means that her father will stay away.

In the meantime I would lessen her contact with her grandmother and try to show pictures or have her see her father. She should be encouraged to say daddy and speak of him, perhaps on Skype or on the telephone.

Comment

...I think you're right. This was the conclusion I came to. I have often tried not to even speak about what she says or does. My Mum also has been more accepting of this and if she gets v upset if I'm out the room and she is there suddenly, then my Mum simply says, Ok, we'll get Mummy, and nothing more. I think I will let it take its own course from now on....

I am unsure what to do about her Dad... I was talking to him on Skype etc etc and I'd talk about him quite often and we'd have photos of him and refer to him & I'd always talk about him, if she brought him up. BUt, he stopped contact (b/c he is very very hurt and upset and angry right now. he can't cope with this. I certainly don't want to be dealing with this bad rship on the other side of the world & am a better Mum now I am here). Yet, I don't know if this is a 'phase' he will get over or if he will never contact us. I wrote a letter inviting him here... it should get to Brazil this week, and expressing I understood his anger. I hold no hard feelings anymore at all -

So, I wonder do I talk about him, even if he is not in contact ? do I talk about him and keep his 'memory' alive when we may never see him again? what shall I do?