Thursday, July 31, 2008

An afternoon of joy for Dodger fans suddenly turned to an evening of tragedy, as a hastily-called press conference confirmed that Dodger General Manager Ned Colletti mistakenly acquired Man-E-Faces rather than Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez.

"I regret to inform Dodger fans everywhere, as well as my boss Frank McCourt, that I may have screwed up here a bit," said Colletti at the press conference. "When [Red Sox GM] Theo Epstein told me that we could 'steal Manny by giving up [Dodger prospect Andy] LaRoche,' I was so ecstatic that I forgot to confirm Manny's last name. Upon further review of the contract I signed, it seems that I gave away LaRoche not for Manny Ramirez, but for a fictional character from the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoon.

"For failing to read the fine print," Colletti continued, "I am truly sorry and apologize for any confusion I may have caused."

"When Theo told me I was picking up a three-tool player, I assumed it was Ramirez," continued Colletti. "Still, I'm hoping that Man-E-Faces' alternate human, robot, and monster faces might give our lineup the flexibility it needs to adapt to game situations."

It is suspected that Colletti may also have been confused by Man-E-Faces' good friend, Ram-Man, who shares a name that almost sounds like a common nickname of the Red Sox' Ramirez.

McCourt left the press conference hastily, only mumbling under his breath as he exited the room. "The least he could have done was pick up He-Man, for pete's sake. Shit, we still need a power bat. This guy's orange plastic gun is useless."

The press conference also ended very awkwardly. After Colletti had left the podium and McCourt had left to go watch the Red Sox game, a shirtless Joe Torre entered the room wearing a blonde wig. "The moral of this story," Torre told a perplexed group of reporters, "is to always read the fine print before you sign any legal contracts. And it helps if you can consult a lawyer!" As Torre walked away from the microphones, a little man in a red robe and floppy hat appeared to levitate across the room.