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10 Reasons Vegetarians Are Annoying

April 26th, 2012

Vegetarians are annoying, and here’s why:

10. They Think (Mistakenly) That They’re Better Than Us

Everybody eats meat. The monkeys that evolved us did it, and we’ve got specialized canine teeth for tearing the flesh of many things that move. Face it, God wants us to chomp down on every animal except for dogs, cats and horses and anything that looks gross. So why are Vegetarians going against the grain? Because they think they’re better than us. Screw that, I’ve got six hundred trophies on Playstation 3. Are you better than THAT?!

9. They Won’t Admit That They’re Just a Hipster and Be Done With It

Every Vegetarian is a Hipster and only engages in the lifestyle because they think it will look cool and urban. Just admit it, and we can all go home.

8. They Are Crap in Bed

Vegetarians are too busy soaking lentils and munching up baby spinach to focus on the important things, like having sex. And when they do pull themselves away from the garden for a minute, you better believe they won’t last long because of low blood iron and lack of Vitamins.

7. It’s Usually Them Who Is Farting

I’ve never heard of a steak or chicken fart, but a bean fart? Oh, hells yes. Since Vegetarians only eat beans for every meal, it’s a good bet that the rotten egg you smell came from their vegetable-loving anus.

6. They Are Physically Repulsive

Ever heard the phrase “You are what you eat?” Well, it’s true, and these people only eat beets and asparagus. Guess how much I want to date an asparagus? ZERO is the answer. Zero much.

5. They are Hypocrites

Every Vegetarian is a piece of crap because they aren’t perfectly ethical. If you’re not going to eat animals, you better not shop at Wal Mart, buy normal groceries, or steal too much oxygen by breathing quickly. Otherwise you’re a hypocrite, just like serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

4. They Don’t Pay Taxes

Vegetarians are so full of themselves that they don’t even pay taxes, which go toward maintaining roads, supporting health care, and building schools. Which leads to the next point:

3. Vegetarians Are Sterile

Vegetarians can only mate with other Vegetarians, and guess what that yields – more damn Vegetarians. Luckily for us, pursuant to point 5, Vegetarians have a tough time finding love in this cold, hard world because an all-vegetable diet has rendered them ugly, listless and ghost-like.

2. Vegetarians Made Kim Kardashian Famous

Does Kim Kardashian annoy you? She’d go away if only the Vegetarians weren’t such vocal supporters! They are pretty much responsible for all the annoying things on TV from Two Broke Girls to Jersey Shore. If we could just drown all the Vegetarians in carrot juice, garbage entertainment would fall by the wayside and the rest of us could enjoy great movies that Vegetarians hate, like Schindler’s List, or The Godfather.

1. They Are Sub-human

Scientists agree that over time, Vegetarians lose the ability to process meat, which renders them a different species from normal, healthy humans. Like the CHUDS from that movie CHUD, but more disgusting. This point is actually a relief because now we don’t have to worry about their rights and freedoms – heck, if they’re basically animals, we might as well eat ’em!

This has been a public service announcement from every self-righteous a-hole who’s given me a hard time about choosing not to eat meat.