How To Spot A Leader Who Hides From Maturity

Today’s social landscape is saturated with twenty and thirty-year-old boys and girls masquerading as proven leaders simply because of ability to make money or gain influence. From startup CEO’s and web developers to hip mega-church pastors and self-proclaimed self-help authors, this group of illegitimate front-runners can be a hazard to a naive public audience.

The most dangerous people on the planet are those with an influential or financial ability that outweighs their emotional maturity.

For thousands of years, humans developed cultural markers to define maturity. Markers that traditionally grew a person and earned trust from others through longstanding results, commitments, and age. They ranged from strong marriages and wise parenting to quality workmanship and responsible wealth. But today, fewer people are getting married, fewer people having children, fewer people finding a career, and fewer people buying homes.

Psychology calls these generational shifts “mechanisms of escape“. In other words, creative ways to avoid growth. For this group, it might look like renting an apartment instead of buying a home because it “leaves my options open.” Renting is an entirely valid move, but for many, it’s merely a fear of responsibility. For others, it’s not wanting to get married because “I’m focusing on my career.” Again, the decision could have merit, but for those who’ve been saying it for say 8+ years now, it’s likely a mask to cover up an acute fear of commitment. The list of similar examples goes on.

If you’ve been perceptive enough to have seen these subtle evasions of growth, you might wonder why this is? Most cultural sociologists agree these forms of escape are typically driven by an inability to confront reality or distance themselves from dependency bonds like parents or a hometown. An inability which becomes a major league problem for those yelling to thousands of people saying, “Follow me! Do as I do.!”

Somehow these same escape artists have been able to sway culture with their crafty millennial wisdom convincing the world that they’re not avoiding maturity. They simply state that the “times are changing” and the marks of adulthood for the past several thousand years don’t apply anymore. But I’m not buying it.

The art of running to what makes us comfortable and then celebrating the victory isn’t maturity, it’s avoidance. True maturation is always the opposite. It’s counterintuitive to our natural desires. It’s running to what is hard because it requires resistance for us to grow.

Growth is almost always in opposition to our comforts. For example, if you’re always tired and low on energy you should begin to exercise, not continue to rest. Or if you’re an extrovert wanting to earn respect within your company, you should learn the art of silence and discern your words, not running your mouth simply because you have something smart to say.

As a result of this cultural phenomenon, our leaders, our generation, and our marketplace are becoming increasingly self-centered, self-loving, and self-righteous. The standard of what people claim is “worthy to follow” is profoundly declining. From the Kardashians and self-absorbed health mystics to crude hip-hop artists and morally-bankrupt millionaire playboys.

The scary part is that this truth remains: Who we listen to is who we will become.

As people seeking authentic leadership from individuals who have earned a place of influence, it’s imperative that you prevent yourself from being deceived by one of these hollow influencers that our world has lifted up.

In a previous post, I had discussed my controversial signs of a leader worth following. In this article, I will share the signs of leaders who have the title but lack the marks that earn the position.

1. They Sit In The Middle But They Act Like They’re On The Edge

The middle is comfortable. It’s the majority. An area of undecided people who like to swing to the left and run to the right when it’s convenient. But soon after, they scurry back to where they came from… costless leadership. Their sacred middle. The place where no payment is made. There place of no resistance, no confrontation, and no growth.

Don’t be fooled by these false pioneers, these authentic leaders that live on the edge. They stand their ground and pay the cost for their beliefs. They scream to those in the middle and say, “Follow me! Choose a side!”

As a responsible follower, look for people who are consistent on issues. Look for individuals who stand firm in the resistance and lead others toward their position even when it’s not convenient. But those who lack this evidence, are likely the ones who also lack the maturity.

2. They Fight For Togetherness But Live In Independence

Everyone loves the idea of community and long lasting relationships. Most people love the idea of a healthy marriage or a successful business partnership. But loving it and living it are two entirely different realities.

Self-independence is foolishness wrapped in wisdom, and this generation of influencers has it packaged up and delivered around the world. In one hand, they’re preaching closeness and vulnerability and togetherness and in the other walking in a highly private, self-governed life. The fight for ultimate autonomy is almost always a sign of selfishness and an escape of accountability.

Look at people’s commitments. Find out if they submit themselves to a group of advisors or anyone’s outside critique. A leader who walks alone, is faithful to no one, and yields only their own desires isn’t safe.

3. They Do What Culture Says Is “Right” Not What The Creator Says Is Right.

Most of you know I’m a Christian. If you don’t share my faith, hear me out. This concept stands regardless of whether you believe in God or not.

We live in a time where most people choose their definition of “right” and “wrong” from either one of the following areas:

Their government’s laws

Their childhood morals

Their culture’s sociological ethics

Or simply what feels good or makes them happy or angry

Basing decisions on a personal preference scale is a concept called Moral Relativism. It’s defined as: “The position that moral or ethical decisions do not reflect universal truths, but instead are based on relative circumstances to one’s social, cultural, historical or personal experiences.”

Ultimately, leaders who don’t operate from immovable truths become a moving target of “right” and “wrong.” For example, 150 years ago it was “moral” for leaders to own slaves. Today, it is not. In 1940’s Germany, it was “moral” to place Jews inside concentration camps. Today, it’s not.

This conundrum is the driving concept that leads many scientists to consider the existence of God. Without an unchanging set of right and wrongs (like the 10 Commandments), culture may go from saying it’s right to be Jewish in one era to it’s wrong to be Jewish in the next. We might go from it being wrong to have sex with children to “maybe it’s okay under certain circumstances” (I know, it’s sick).

Bottom line, I don’t trust people with moving morals. For me, I lean on the teachings of Jesus to define how I view morality. Regardless of how culture changes over the years, my moral code doesn’t. Look for leaders who stand secure on what is always right, not just legal or culturally accepted. Look for leaders who stay consistent even when there is a cost.

True leadership is an expensive position to hold. It’s riddled with resistance and fierce opposition. It calls for a higher power and a willingness to grow and grow up despite how uncomfortable it might be.

To be clear, I’m not saying that I have this figured out. While my writing often comes with a sense of authority, my heart is treading in humility. Every day I am working to improve. I am working to become better, braver, and more loving to my fellow man. But more importantly, I am trying to earn the traditional marks of adulthood, maturity, and leadership. A cherished spouse, well-behaved children, responsible finances, and a strong reputation even with those people who don’t share my views. It’s a rough road, but it’s one worth traveling.

What are your thoughts? Am I crazy? Do you have anything to add? Let me know in the comments below.

Reader Interactions

Comments

While I disagree with the the idea that strong morals are only possible if one is religious, the rest of this piece and the problems with moral relativism are spot on. Thank you for having the courage to speak your truth. Even when I don’t completely agree with something, it inspires me.

I would just add that often, Christians who hold this view of God as the standard of objective morality aren’t saying that non-believers can’t be moral. It’s a question of Whose standard of morality you are subscribing to. Atheists or non-believers can still be moral. The point is that Objective Morality exists and it is rooted in the nature of God, whether we believe in Him or not. Frank Turek has an excellent podcast (crossexamined.org) and book that covers this (“Stealing from God”).

I agree with what you wrote. Looked at from an historical perspective, my generation, the baby boomers, started this trend toward adolescent adulthood. With that as their foundation, succeeding generations have taken matters to a logical conclusion. What do you think is the solution?

Well written and great insight. Growing up is hard but when you truly give your life to the Lord he gives you a life to live it to the fullest for him. Which he has done for you and your family. I enjoy reading your posts.
I remember having lunch with your wife a long time ago when you two lived in Rancho and knew God was working mightily in your lives. Awesome to see this!
Many blessings to you and your family!

In the war for all that is good, right, and true, those who consistently hit the bull’s eye find they have a target on their backs. GREAT WORD! Stand Strong, Dale, and keep speaking wisdom. And, remember, the Truth is one’s best defense in the only War that really matters.

Great work Dale! Your write with words that we can feel.
“Find out if they submit themselves to a group of advisors or anyone’s outside critique”. Two questions on this:
1- What would you do if a leader never makes any progress toward this after it is brought to their attention?
2- What ways do you go about creating this group in your life?

I just want to say THANK YOU for yours posts, and for your time. I am being inspired by your posts, sometimes even when taking critical decisions. You have been helpful to me, so I didn’t want to hide quite behind my computer screen. Keep the good work; I am sure you are helping many people in the world.

First, the Law of the Rubber Band (John Maxwell’s 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth). Without being stretched, we fail to grow as we should. Growth stops when you lose the tension between where you are and where you could be (or want to be). As well, stretching gives you a shot at significance and grow others—not merely a chance at success. We’ve been failing to desire to be stretched since Jonah (and earlier I’m sure)—like many things, the permissive times we live in allow things once suppressed (for good reason!!) to be unleashed and accepted as truths.

Second, leaders with different personality blends see life differently and subsequently, act differently. Dominant personalities live on the edge naturally—it’s how they’re wired. Inspiring types have a strong tendency to move—as you point out above—vacillating from left to right, top to bottom, middle to edge—and back. Their focus is very diff—HEY THERE’s A CHICKEN—difficult to maintain and their highs and lows swing almost schizophrenically (I resemble this remark). The Supportives are reserved and people oriented and find it difficult to live on the edge—hating change and loving the status quo naturally. And finally, The Cautious, task oriented types, have huge resolve—but lack the necessary people skills to have the influence they need. All types of personality blends can lead with training and humility (appreciate your desire for humility). Dominant personalities have a tendency to be good startup entrepreneurs because they are in control, love challenges, and have the task orientation to make it happen. They also have a tendency to walk over people to get there. Not intentionally, just how they wired. Once they learn this, they can work on there people skills.

In his landmark book, Good to Great, Jim Collins gives the reasons the large companies did so well—it was the Level 5 leader running the company. It’s a combination of incredible resolve (Cautious-task oriented-reserved personality)and humility (Supportive-people-oriented-reserved personality). Again I believe anyone can become a Level 5 leader if they do the homework and practice to get there.

Hence, I think some of the “immaturity” in some of us, comes naturally from our personality, while other personalities are naturally more “responsible.” Both come by it honestly. The extroverts (Outgoing) personalities have great strengths in pushing forward but need to learn to be reserved as the company grows. Likewise, the task-oriented personalities have the resolve to always do the right thing but need to learn people oriented skills in order to communicate and love others. The Proverbs (of Solomon) is the first and greatest book of leadership and calls us to be wise, humble, peaceful, kind, thoughtful, prudent, shrewd, etc. A good place for anyone to start. Just because we come by it naturally, doesn’t mean we are to stay there—the whole point about moving beyond “emotional immaturity.”

Two thirds (65%) of us (people oriented) find it hard to be finishers while the remaining third (task oriented) have persistence and tenacity to complete the task. The key is to understand your personality strengths and weaknesses so you can put into place the positive accountability necessary to help you do the next right thing and eventually learn to do what is needed at the right time. Life is not either or—it’s both and. Moreover, for the vast majority of people (80%+), to be successful in growing, we need stretching and accountability to get to where we need to be.

A great quote from Max Lucado I saw recently sums it up—

“The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us.”

Thank you so much, Royce, for sharing this! Seriously, I really love it. I think you’re absolutely right—personalities, while still flexible/growable/changing are going to play a major role in how mature or immature we are perceived depending on the values of those perceiving us. Because of that, reliable witnesses to our lives, people watching it all play out, are so KEY in measuring that growth! Accountability, just as you said it. I appreciate the insight, Royce!

Dude I am with you 100%! I was married at 19, owned a house at 20, and now at 25, my wife and I have been married for six years and have three children. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Meanwhile we know people in their early 30’s who are single, rent, and do nothing but work and party. No thanks. Loved this post!

Very well said. Our society has become radically “shifty” on everything under the sun because societies mantra today is “if it feels good, do it” ➡ Nike. Of course we know this is destructive to any society. Strong ethics and morals are essential to the longevity of any society and our Founding Fathers recognized that very fact and wove it into our countries Constitution and Bill of Rights.
The path back to personal commitment and responsibility starts with us, right now, at home, at our work, with friends, in our communities and what we voice ourselves to stand for.
Thank you.

Dale,
You are 100% spot on.
I am 61 years old, lead a non-profit that exists to be a resource to local church in the area of men’s discipleship (growth) and have said many if not all you have said here in different ways to many men and pastors here in central IL.
I appreciate your posts and find them to clearly communicate humility while being very authoritative. God has given you some gifts and you are being faithful to understand them, grow in them and ultimately bring glory to God and not you.
Well done!

Hi Dale! I just wanted to thank you for this article–it came at the perfect time for me! As a twenty-and-nothing who is working towards financial independence and home ownership in the next one-to-three years, I sometimes feel as if I’m the weird one. Thanks for the reminder that seeking these privileges and responsibilities of adulthood are helping me grow into the maturity God wants me to have, and has nothing to do with me being an “overachiever” or “weird.” Thanks for sharing these hard but good truths!

Naomi, that is so encouraging and, truthfully, really exciting for me to hear. Your community, your family, and your future will be filled with strength, solidarity, and the best kind of fruit because of your creativity, intent, patience, and maturity now. Keep moving, keep crushing. I believe in the work you’re doing!

Wow thank you for giving these words of direction, this opened a door to a new perspective on the whole staying strong in good principles and moral but also being open minded and embracing the world of unknown emotionally unstable, and fear driven mentalities around us against the steady invisible unchanging laws that keep forming us into the person creating the best of who we were meant to be. Thank you so much God bless

I’ve been reading with interest your posts over the last year. As a practicing Catholic I can’t be convinced to a deeper faith as I already have it. Despite my faith I ignored God for decades, but he never ignored me, I see that now.
God spoke to me through your article today, the maturity and focus etc that I lack, I needed those words.
Everything in my life is falling apart but I’m viewing it that everything is falling together with His help. I’ll be a regular reader now! God bless you and yours

I have been writing on facebook for over 8 years, my messages have always been consistent, hopeful, teaching, regardless of my circumstances…I am truly using words and my personal experiences to ‘help’ others and there is always a Godly or Jesus reference….its amazing so many people are lost…it is the cliche you become many times what you fear or do no like…..I have always felt to be a good leader you also need a servants heart, humility and be a good listener……leadership is serving others and many have it backwards…..

Your honesty is so refreshing and definitely made me reflect on my life. As a Christian and spoken word artist I have a peice on sand being the foundation that most nations build their house upon. The hypocrisy of it all is that I find myself still connecting my self worth with achievements that the world celebrates, there’s obviously a lot of unlearning and reconditioning I need before I can shake off the cares of this world. Thanks for the post it’s inspiring and encouraging. Stay blessed.

I really appreciate this article Dale, its has really helped me answer many of the questions I’ve had about growing up and taking on real life responsibility. Like you said, its tough, uncomfortable and frankly can suck sometimes. As I stay consistent with my moral code I feel that decision become easier and Jesus helps me through the really tough stuff. Your wisdom is inspiring Dale. Thank you.

You are spot on Dale. Our culture is like a frog in a pot of water, slowly warming until we reach a boil. We need more strong principled leaders willing to take a stand for what is right in the home and in their work.

I thought this article was great. I have been wondering whether to start a blog. I feel I have so many aha! Moments that I need to write them down which sometimes I do. However I can’t tell whether my desire to share my thoughts in a blog comes from wanting to put my thoughts out there so people can benefit from it or if I just subconsciously want attention from all the people who read it. This goes back to the thought about how for every text we get, our brain releases dopamine.

I appreciate and love the humility and heart behind your post. Yes it’s challenging and at times very uncomfortable, but I believe a true heart for God and change wants that! I want truth, I want lasting growth and maturity for not only myself but my family and those I’m connected to. I love it! I thank you for being yielded to truth, maturity and growth!

It’s so refreshing to hear something so truthful. My husband and I are in our early thirties, and we are the odd balls out among most of the people we know. We have 3 kids, are becoming foster parents, my husband works hard and earned his degree while working 50 hours a week and going to school online, we own a home, we don’t borrow money from anyone…if we can’t afford it…we don’t own it, and we don’t dump our kids off at our parents 100 times a week so we can get “me time”. Does this make us better than anyone…no, not at all, but it does make us real hard working adults who are trying hard to serve and lead and show our kids what life really looks like…it’s beautiful and hard. Our generation thinks they were born with the title “leader” for their open ideas on life. Really they are just trying to write their own rules and claim they are legit because times have changed and we are now free to do and say whatever we want. It’s become very hard to find true leaders that are willing to abide by rules, listen to others, help others over themselves, and not try to rewrite the Bible to fit their life or ideas.
Thank you for writing this in truth, and not try to just be politically correct to appease everyone. It’s hard to accept so called leaders who have never worked hard a day in their life, and somehow gained popularity and leadership just because they seem “cool”.

Thank you so much, Ami, for these words of compassion, honesty, and encouragement. I’m honored to receive them here, and am SO glad to have you as a reader. I work hard and give these words for exactly these moments. Keep learning, Ami!

Dale,
Loved this article and the clear pointers.
Recently I was presented with a discussion on righteous indignation and the leader’s ‘authority’ to excude this spirit.
How can you tell when it’s right ? Or holy anger ?
The leader quoted or misquoted Jesus’ clear outrage with the temple merchants.
What are your thoughts ?

Excellent insight. I find this hiding from maturity prevalent in young mums also. Resistance to doing the hard things in child training and home management is resulting in frazzled families and chaotic homes. All need encouragement and role models to overcome this.

Hi Dale you’re not crazy I agree with you completely !So true every word you said. Really inspired by the Holy Spirit. Don’t be afraid to speak as the Spirit leads you. God bless you with wisdom always.

While I mostly agree with this article it also leaves me wondering “what about me?”. I’m single, never been married 43-year-old living in an apartment. I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve had to fight every step of the way to get to where I’m at today. The idea that not being married, having children, owning a home etc. makes me immature also hurts my heart. I fight the idea that I must compete with the world who says I have to be married and own a home to be mature every day. Now I’m not a leader saying “follow me! “, so perhaps the issue is mute. But what I do know is that God is completing an amazing work in me. Whether that makes me mature or not I’m not sure. I haven’t been avoiding marriage or the responsibility of owning a home. I’m a survivor! And I just want to be sure that anyone else who reads this knows God can do great work through you with other people despite your “status” in life.

I totally agree, Lynette, and do not seek to criticize your life at all, but only the notion that culture will often shout into our lives that the best life is lived alone when we are in FULL control. Controlling our lives so much that no one else is invited in can actually really stunt our growth. So, I don’t think that marriage and children are the answers to becoming perfectly mature. But I do think that as a result of our self-centeredness, we’re getting pretty bad at the ‘family’ thing.

I’ve become skeptical of anyone under 40 who sets themselves up as a role model. Whatever good you are trying to do, you are not necessarily “there” yet. Keep quiet, keep at it, and maybe someday others will admire the life you have lived, but it’s not necessarily praiseworthy yet, and we all have blind spots we still need to work out before we become truly wise and qualified to lead others. Not directed at you, Dale, although I include all of us. I’m in my late 30s and still trying hard to become my best. I completely agree with you about the traps in our culture, and like you I’m trying to stay out of them and follow a path to a true wisdom that is timeless and unchanging. I follow your blog because I sense that you are on that path – humility is its greatest sign – and trying to encourage others. Love your work.