The McGuire Reports

Before Senator George Mitchell’s steroid investigation rocked Major League Baseball and America, there were five lesser known – but equally devastating and important – reports created by yours truly that exposed the darkest secrets of the entertainment industry, U.S. Justice System, public school nutrition programs, and college athletics.

Like Mitchell, I specifically targeted people whose actions shattered public perceptions but didn’t necessarily warrant any punishment. Listed below is a snapshot of the groups I went after and a sample of their reactions (since the investigations cost me $20 million to conduct, the full reports with complete lists of names are for sale on-line at $19.95 each):

• Successful actors, musicians and writers who have never had drinking and/or drugs problems.

“No one feels worse about me not dying alone in a Motel 6 from the addictions I didn’t have more than I do. With that, I apologize to all my loyal fans and loved ones who’ve stood by me all these years while I wasn’t in and out of rehab. I’m sorry for anything I might have done to ruin my reputation in your eyes by not digging myself into a bottomless hole of self-loathing and self-pity as a false source of creativity. For my careful actions, I understand the perceived quality of my work will be diminished forever. That’s something I, and I alone, must live with.”

“My choices then don’t define who I am or what I do today. Nor should my considerable achievements before and after sporting a ‘Reverse Fidel Castro’ my junior year be disgraced.”

• Lunch Ladies that have tribal designs tattooed on their lower backs.

“My girlfriends and I all got one on spring break my freshman year at Lunch Lady College. Ironically, it was the least naughty thing I did that week.”

• Current and former Big Ten head football coaches who sit down to pee.

“It’s a socially unacceptable – but surprisingly convenient – habit I developed 30 years ago as an assistant at Penn State after an unfortunate incident involving an accidental ‘sword fight’ with Joe Paterno. That habit developed into a dark, horrible secret that I’ve been struggling to keep hidden since. But in all that time, I’ve never let it interfere with my play-calling ability or knack for developing young quarterbacks. I hope you can forgive me and we, as a team, a family, a university and a state, can move past this.”

• “Pleasantly Plump” stand-up comedians who make normal-sized plates of food at picnics and banquets.

“To all those who said things like, ‘Hey, we better hop to the front of the line before Chris sucks down all the food’ and ‘hope somebody brought a shovel so Chris can eat’ – your expectations of me have always been high and I’ve repeatedly let you down. Without considering your needs, I threw away my spork and paper plate before my obligation to you was met. Now, all the food and disposable dinnerware has been packed away into various tupperware containers and there’s no way I can go back and get a grotesque pile of baked ziti and taco salad to satisfy your tired assumptions that I’m a glutton. If given a second chance, I swear to make it up to you.”