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Monday, August 25, 2014

Not all members of Islamic State (ISIS) decapitate journalists or force Christians to pay a religion tax, says an operative who lives in Bolingbrook.

Al Raider Mohammad, the name Toby preferred we use during the interview, accused the Western media of stereotyping ISIS members.

“I haven’t killed any journalists or invaded any cities. Really, I’m a nice guy. Why won’t the Western media give equal time to members like me?”

Mohammad claims to be part of the ISIS social media team. According to him, his job is to take pictures around the Chicago area and post them on ISIS’s various social media accounts.

“My last picture is all over the Internet!” Toby proudly boasted. “There’s no way I could make that kind of impact at a PR agency. I’m in the big leagues. I’m so big, Internet trolls are afraid to go after me!”

Though many residents were frightened by Toby’s picture, he insists ISIS currently has no plans to attack the Chicago area.

“Sure 9/11 had great visuals, but that was an expensive operation to pull off. You don’t get to be one of the richest Jihadist groups by spending money like crazy. No, what we’re hoping to do is to use Social Media to generate the same level of fear in the US as 9/11 caused, but for a fraction of the cost.”

Once Americans are frightened, he expects the US to elect Republicans and impeach President Obama.

“Once the right people are in power, they might attack us at first, but then they’ll get bored, and start attacking our enemies. Once they invade countries like Jordan and Iran, we’ll have them right where we want them. The former citizens of those countries will hate the US occupiers, and will turn to the Islamic State for help. We’ll get US forces bogged down in an endless series of guerrilla wars and before you know it, we’ll own the hearts and minds of the Islamic World. Then we’ll have a true, global Caliphate! One that I helped create!”

Toby, who is of European decent, claims to be a recent convert to Islam. A conversion that happened after he joined ISIS. He says before joining ISIS, he was a nondenominational Christian.

“At the time, I thought we were a true christian nation, the Jews have their own nation, and the Hindu’s have their own nation. Why can’t the Islamists have their own nation and not some random map drawn up by colonial imperialists?”

Toby learned that the more he learned about Islam, the more he liked it.

“I thought it was a totally different religion, but I was wrong. Islam is the sequel to the New Testament! It’s the “Iron Man 3” of Allah’s word. Plus I didn’t realize how closely our beliefs matched! We agree that women have too many rights in the West. We agree that we should respect the divine, and we both hate Richard Dawkins. Soon, I realized that I had to get on board and submit to Allah.”

Toby says he doesn’t know that the future holds for him, but he doubts that he will be called take up arms against America.

“I was going to sneak into Iraq, but then Mohammad appeared to me in a dream. He said I should trust him, and stick to the online jihad. Then he commanded me to never read blog posts by Hena and Haib! I said I would. I also said that I would make Bolingbrook police so frightened that they would buy tanks and always point their guns at the residents. I still hope to keep that promise!”

After the interview, the NSA sent a text to this reporter saying they were "monitoring the situation in Bolingbrook. We also like your taste in porn.”

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that aliens will not be allowed outside of Clow UFO base if they intend to travel to Ferguson, MO. He said he made the decision after hearing about aliens trying to rent cars as a way to avoid the UFO no-fly zone imposed over Missouri and Southern Illinois.

“I know many of you want to help, and a few of you want to cause trouble.” Claar announced during a teleconference with Clow’s visitors and residents aliens. “But there’s a reason Ferguson is off limits. Our highways are already too crowded. I also had to assure my friend Bob that you wouldn’t rent all of his cars. It is still too dangerous for aliens to be searched by TSA agents. Now I don’t need to offend any reptoids in the audience, but all it takes is one shapeshifter to turn a simple insurrection into a full blown war! I won’t have it. You cannot use my UFO base to get to Ferguson!”

Many aliens expressed their anger at Claar’s decision.

Said Lok Posok of the Trilock Union, “We want to help the residents of this artificial collection of buildings get the justice they deserve! We want to help, and we want to do more than abduct teenagers and post on their Twitter accounts! We want to go there!”

Dogok, who refused to provide more information, said that he hoped to supply weapons to Ferguson’s residents.

“Sure non-violence has its uses, but sometimes you need some good old fashioned firepower to get your peace and justice! If your Tea party isn’t going to stand up against government aggression, then I should help out.”

Dogok added that he was unable to get his weapons to Ferguson.

“You can never find a good 53’ trailer and driver when you need one.”

Claar tried to reassure the aliens that their concerns were being addressed.

“The two skeptical ambassador organizations have heard your concerns. Center for Inquiry’s Ron Lindsay released a statement without getting it cleared first. Now let me tell you, he’s taking a big risk for you guys by shooting from the hip like that. It’s a risk he’s willing to take because he shares your concerns. Skepchick sent a representative to Ferguson last weekend. I hope you’ll think that she walked on your behalf, because I’m not letting any of you near Ferguson if I can help it!”

Shortly after Claar’s speech, five aliens were arrested trying to fire rockets at the Ferguson Police command center.

Their lawyer, Solg, says his clients did nothing wrong.

“They wanted to participate in the human game of firing rockets at a superior military force. They meant no harm.”

Claar also spoke with alien representatives and promised to present their concerns to the New World Order.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Security officers at Bolingbrook Clow UFO Base arrested a UFO crew after discovering 8 missing cows in their craft. The cows were from a farm that supplies milk to the Oberweis stores.

“In less than 24 hours, the cows went from being kidnapped to being recovered and safely returned to their farms.” Said Paul Z. Likeman, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base.

Likeman claims that the crew kidnaped the cows with the intention of breeding them on their home planet. The crew would then sell the cow’s milk on their home world, without paying a franchise fee to Oberweis Dairy.

According to an eyewitness who works in the Bolingbrook Oberweis, one of the accused aliens was a frequent customer.

“One day, she asked if our milk would be safe to drink after 10 years in storage. I told her, probably not because our customers want fresh milk, fresh from the farm, fresh in your mail box, and fresh when you drink it! We don’t prepare it to last years, or even months. She said that was an unacceptable answer, and walked away. I didn’t think much about it at the time, since we get all kinds of characters from Clow UFO Base. All of them legal aliens, of course!”

Kogoo, the crew’s legal representative, said his clients weren’t guilty, and is prepared to defend them until their names are cleared, or until they can no longer pay his legal fees.

“All visitors collect bovine specimens when they visit Clow UFO Base. My clients just happened to collect cows prized by Jim Oberweis, who is running for US Senate. This perpetual Chicagoland politician is using his political connections with Mayor Roger Claar to steal the rightfully collected cows from my clients!”

Kogoo also announced that he had hired members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics to launch a social media campaign to pressure Clow officials to release. A member of the group, who wore a hood to conceal his identity, explained his reason for defending the aliens.

“These aliens thought they were operating in a grey area of the law! They were only caught because they worked with a biological smugger who is selling them out for a lesser sentence. Even if the cows were ‘stolen’ it’s OK, because they belonged to a corporation. We skeptics know it is no big deal to steal from a corporation. It’s not like the farmers were harmed. They can just breed new cows! Anyway, the point is these aliens are just as innocent as Brian Dunning is!”

Oberweis was on the campaign trail, and could not be reached for comment. Though a spokesperson did speak to this reporter anonymously.

Monday, August 4, 2014

If the Ebola virus makes its way to Bolingbrook, local homeopaths will be ready.

“Residents are scared.” Said Bolingbrook homeopath Sylvia. “So I hope my products will give them a temporary sense of security. When that runs out, they can always buy more!”

Homeopathy is a controversial alternative medicine practice created in the 19th Century. Homeopaths create their treatments by first determining what how they want to affect the patient, and then finding a substance that normally has the opposite affect. For example, if a homeopath wanted to create a sleeping aid, they would use caffeine. The homeopath will then take a small portion of the substance, add distilled water, and then shake the water 10 times against an elastic surface. Then the homeopath will take a small drop of that liquid, put it in a new bottle of distilled water, and repeat the process. Most homeopaths will repeat the process about thirty times before giving the solution to their patients.

“The more you distill it, the less likely you are to remain sick.” Explained Sylvia.

Critics contend that homeopathic substances are so diluted, they no longer contain the original substance. Skeptics contend that homeopathic products are just expensive placebos. Supporters counter that homeopathy works because of quantum physics.

Says Bolingbrook Homeopath Doug Z. Parker, “I don’t care what the so-called scientific studies say, I can think of examples of my treatments working. If they work for them, maybe they’ll work for you.”

Parker stresses the importance of Bolingbrook residents stocking up on his solutions.

“You’ve heard politicians saying that there are thousands of infected illegal aliens massing on our borders for Obama to give the signal to march into our country. Do you trust big Pharma to protect you from Obama’s Ebola army? Do you want your money going to Switzerland or do you want to support local organic businesses? I think the choice is clear.”

Both homeopaths promise to sell their solutions for around $30 a bottle. Parker also sells sugar pills that have been dipped in his solutions.

“You won’t believe how something so sweet can be so good for you in a crisis.”

An anonymous source inside Bolingbrook’s village hall, said that while the village support local businesses, residents shouldn’t panic over a possible Ebola outbreak just yet.

“Ebola has been confined to Africa since it was discovered in 1976. Sure it is deadly, but only about 5,000 people have died from it. Contrast that with malaria, which killed 660,000 people in 2010 alone. There’s very little chance of it coming to Bolingbrook.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “If you think you have Ebola, get to Adventist Hospital immediately! That’s why we went to the trouble of building our own hospital! If you know someone with Ebola, don’t touch their body fluids, wash your hands often, and get them to Adventist immediately! Once they’re in an isolation unit, then you can give them a bottle of a homeopathic solution!”

Also inThe Babbler:

Lost tribes offer Earth jews their own planetChicago officials fear rise of algae monster in Lake MichiganBloggers promises to lecture Chicago area skeptics about empathy

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From illegal space aliens to the local weredeer population, we cover the stories the mainstream media won't cover! Since 1965, we've always told the truth about Bolingbrook, and its surrounding communities. To contact the webmaster, send your e-mail to bolingbrookbabbler@gmail.com. The Babbler reserves the right to print all messages.