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Saturday, March 26, 2005

The Americans, of course, don't get easter holidays the same we do here in Britain, so to cheer up our friends and relatives on that side of the Atlantic - here's the Wedding Present's North American tour dates:

Belatedly realising the danger the internet presents to its radio interests - basically, it can't just buy up all the internet stations and force people to listen to it like it can with an FM market - Clear Channel has decided its time to do something. That something is offering a series of special concerts through its local station websites in the US, and ensuring - at the very least - all stations in the 25 main US radio markets (or "big cities" as they used to be known) will be streaming by May 1st. Imagine that, eh? Radio stations you can listen to online. Whatever next, eh? It's like the day McDonalds discovered pedometers.

The sudden appearance of 300 Clear Channel stations will actually provide a chance for people across America - and around the world - to finally prove just how homogenised CC's American radio actually is; the special sessions will offer an opportunity to ensure your hard drive's spindown function is working properly: names being lined up include Rob Thomas, John Legend, Arise Gaffney, Gavin DeGraw and Jesse McCartney. Well, at least they won't have to explain to their shareholders why they're getting large numbers of people sucking down bandwidth beyond the US borders - we can't see anyone outside of John Legend's boxer shorts being interested in John Legend playing on the internet.

Tim Berners-Lee was unavailable for comment, although journalists believe that they could hear the sound of sobbing and someone muttering "I'm so very sorry" over and over again from inside his house.

The ever-interesting Furdlog offers a couple of interesting takes on the latest Pew Internet & American Life Project: about one in ten American internet users are making copies of MP3 files from other people's portable devices. About ten million are downloading stuff through email and instant messaging. As many as thirty-six million Americans will still confess to downloading music and video outside of legitimate services.

The entertainment industry isn't, you'll have noticed, collapsing.

The only thing that is being undermined by people accessing music in the easiest way they can is the RIAA's petulant legal campaigns. Surely, if only because of the money they're wasting to so little effect, it's time for the RIAA to call off the lawyers?

He appeared to be drunk; couldn't remember the words so tried to read them off the back of his laminate pass; fell off the stage and - horror of horrors - kept his hat on throughout.

But it turns out he wasn't pissed - just ill. He takes off his hat and explains:

"Everyone has good days and bad days and it's no different for singers. Unfortunately, my bad day was televised.

"Based on lack of information, many of you assumed that my less-than-perfect performance was alcohol related, and I understand how it may have appeared that way. Let me explain why.

"I have been diagnosed with a condition known as acoustic neuroma, which can seriously affect my hearing and balance. The unsteadiness in me that you saw was my vertigo and lack of balance.

"Better judgment might have been to notify the promoters instead of trying to perform the anthem. However, due to my contractual obligation, I decided to go ahead with the performance. In hindsight, I shouldn't have. Please accept my sincerest apologies for offending anyone, it was certainly not my intention."

We're not quite sure how vertigo would wipe the words of your national anthem from your mind; or, indeed, make you not take your hat off. You'd assume, of course, if you had such a condition, it would manifest itself at many performances. We await reports from people who've seen JMM's acoustic neuroma manifest itself in the past.

The latest churning of Boy George's publicity dairy takes the form of a Daily Mirror interview which starts off with George protesting that his tired tirades against John, Lucas and Michael (does he have a thing against people who have surnames which are also first names?) were "misunderstood" and that he wasn't being bitchy, honest. That's at least how it starts:

"Hang on, who fucking made Elton John the headmaster and who fucking made Madonna the queen? I've got every right to say what I like, and if they want to say things about me, fine."

It's a shame, actually - his calling of madonna out on kaballah would be spot-on, but buried amongst a load of other old tosh about how people aren't gay enough, or too gay, or... are showy gays. Brian Reade wonders aloud if he isn't, well, just trying to be "the only gay in the village."

There's a silence, followed by a dive into gay corporate-speak: "As a gay public person you are always managing your sexuality through any given situation. I'm harder on gay people because I expect more from them."

He's very straight, is George O'Dowd, until it comes to sex. Then he's so earnestly homosexual he could lecture in it. Which he does, constantly, in his book.

I tell him he comes across as being completely obsessed with his sexuality. Why? He laughs long and hard and gives me a pitiful look.

"I'm not obsessed, really I'm not. Because being gay is not your reality, it seems that I'm really obsessed with it.

"If I say anything gay, it's 'Oh, do you have to keep going on about THAT?' Well, I'm sorry, it's my reality and if you don't like it, then fuck off."

But George, it's not if you say anything gay; it's just your tiresome, 1980s only talking about it. And - while reaching for a Little Britain catchphrase is the last refuge of the desperate - you do come across like Daffyd; someone who is afraid that your identity is wafer-thin, that with being out and gay now a commonplace, you don't have very much to offer. It's not like you're always campaigning for gay rights, is it? You're just constantly trying to prove that somebody else isn't the right kind of gay. Good god man, Coronation Street has had a gay dog wedding. Being gay isn't interesting in its own right anymore. If your reality is managing your sexuality through a given situation in public, we'd suggest you don't really have existence in any sort of reality, pal.

The latest churning of Boy George's publicity dairy takes the form of a Daily Mirror interview which starts off with George protesting that his tired tirades against John, Lucas and Michael (does he have a thing against people who have surnames which are also first names?) were "misunderstood" and that he wasn't being bitchy, honest. That's at least how it starts:

"Hang on, who fucking made Elton John the headmaster and who fucking made Madonna the queen? I've got every right to say what I like, and if they want to say things about me, fine."

It's a shame, actually - his calling of madonna out on kaballah would be spot-on, but buried amongst a load of other old tosh about how people aren't gay enough, or too gay, or... are showy gays. Brian Reade wonders aloud if he isn't, well, just trying to be "the only gay in the village."

There's a silence, followed by a dive into gay corporate-speak: "As a gay public person you are always managing your sexuality through any given situation. I'm harder on gay people because I expect more from them."

He's very straight, is George O'Dowd, until it comes to sex. Then he's so earnestly homosexual he could lecture in it. Which he does, constantly, in his book.

I tell him he comes across as being completely obsessed with his sexuality. Why? He laughs long and hard and gives me a pitiful look.

"I'm not obsessed, really I'm not. Because being gay is not your reality, it seems that I'm really obsessed with it.

"If I say anything gay, it's 'Oh, do you have to keep going on about THAT?' Well, I'm sorry, it's my reality and if you don't like it, then fuck off."

But George, it's not if you say anything gay; it's just your tiresome, 1980s only talking about it. And - while reaching for a Little Britain catchphrase is the last refuge of the desperate - you do come across like Daffyd; someone who is afraid that your identity is wafer-thin, that with being out and gay now a commonplace, you don't have very much to offer. It's not like you're always campaigning for gay rights, is it? You're just constantly trying to prove that somebody else isn't the right kind of gay. Good god man, Coronation Street has had a gay dog wedding. Being gay isn't interesting in its own right anymore. If your reality is managing your sexuality through a given situation in public, we'd suggest you don't really have existence in any sort of reality, pal.

It's been the talk of the internet since, well, since she was in the Mickey Mouse Club, it seems. But now, the Sun is confident enough to run it on its front page: Britney's pregnant.

So if it's on the front of the Sun, it must be true, because the Sun would never put a load of bollocks on its front page, would it? Apart from when talking about Hillsborough, or Elton john's dogs, of course.

If you stare hard at the top right of the Morning Star, you'll notice their music section today features The Raveonettes. It's still the coolest tabloid.

Adam Ant's solo career wasn't quite as bad as the bits that might stick in your mind: Apollo 9 at Live Aid; launching his post-Ant life with apparently only the support of Look-In and CB TV Channel 14, at a time when children weren't the gatekeepers of credibility. We're not entirely sure, having said that, that it merits a four-CD box set retrospective:

Called Ant Remasters, out April 11th. And it seems that the steam ran out of the project halfway through, too: the box looks like it was going to take eight discs, and we'd imagine that was the plan right up until they got as far as the tracklisting for Disc Three, where they might have realised they were stretching things - there are four versions of Apollo 9 and three Vive Le Rocks: there's comprehensive, and just being obsessive. (Actually, the extra space is to allow you to slip in the Adam and the Ants remasters. Apparently).

However, it is quite a bargain and does have everything you could ever want from Adam's solo catalogue, and lots and lots of demos.

Friday, March 25, 2005

As if things weren't bad enough for Lindsay Lohan with a father prepared to milk her fame for all the booze it'll bring, now her grandma is trying to turn a few bob off her. Granny Lohan - her paternal one, obviously - is pimping home movies and snapshots of young Lindsay to anyone prepared to wave a chequebook in her direction.

Jadakiss must be chuckling to himself this evening as he wriggles out of a potential nasty sentence. He's cut a deal with North Carolina prosecutors which gives him three months probation and a USD900 fine for dope and guns offenses. He's also got to keep clean and destroy the guns, but, hey, considering he was driving a car loaded with drugs and weapons while someone was lobbing firecrackers out the window, he's been pretty lucky.

Jadakiss somehow managed to get someone to convince the court that his cannabis use was "isolated", apparently: presumably the judge took this to mean "a one-off" rather than "he doesn't ever mix it with other drugs".

Meanwhile, Brown has been slightly overstating the Roses' position in the history of everything:

“It'll be great playing the Roses songs again as well because they're just alive those songs. It's the best feeling in the world knowing that I wrote those songs on the dole and years and years later there's kids that were probably at toddler groups back then crying when I'm playing them now. They are bled into English culture now, not that there is an English culture. I think the Beatles are the only ones who have got closer to English culture than we (The Stone Roses) have."

Although, to be fair, getting off to a great start, then sitting around on their arses for half a decade and trying to coast on past glories alone before knocking out a shit, substandard follow-up that pissed away their original support while failing to convert a single new customer would actually be the closest any band has ever come to recreating the English motor industry in band form.

What with it being Good Friday, we were flicking through the video music channels earlier, and spotted The Faders, who seem to be either the Female Busted, or the credible Girls Aloud, or the new 21st Century Girls, depending on your viewpoint.

We are rather taken by their website, which really pushes the "Fader" metaphor to its limit by using a mixing desk-based interface. Curious that since they're meant to be a 'proper' band, and yet the name and the website both imply quite heavily that the real work is done in the post-production.

At least Simon Cowell only attempts to run people down with his "wit" - Paul Abdul uses a car. Although, actually, the hit and run incident she's just admitted didn't involve a person getting hurt:

Late last year, while driving on the Hollywood Freeway, unbeknownst to Paula, there was some minor contact between the tire of her car and another vehicle on the roadway," the statement reads. "The result was a small amount of property damage to the other car and no damage to Paula's car. This week, after learning that it had been determined that her car was actually involved, Paula immediately took full responsibility and paid $775 to repair the minor property damage. She is pleased the matter could be resolved [Thursday] in traffic court."

Apparently the police were able to trace her car because it was being driven by a cartoon cat at the time.

Nelly's US tour has been cancelled following the death of his sister. Jackie Donahue, who was 31, had been in remission from leukemia for two years. She is survived by two children. Nelly's statement:

A statement released on behal of Nelly, whose full name is Cornell Haynes Jr., and his family said they were "deeply saddened" by Donahue's death, but they also thanked all those who responded to Nelly's call to action.

"We are very proud of her efforts to educate and raise awareness about the disease and the need for African-Americans to join the National Donor Registry," the family said. "She will always be remembered for her loving spirit, energy and unshakable faith."

Thursday, March 24, 2005

There's a lovely piece over on Boing Boing where Jim Reekes tells the full story about why the Apple system noise was the Beatles-taunting sosumi: apparently, he'd gotten so pissed off with the 'Apple can't enter the music business' legal stuff he'd wanted to call the sound Let It Beep.

Less heartwarmingly, Guardian consumer champion Dear Claire contains some less-than-glowing reports of Apple's customer services letting itself down with people who find problems with iPods. Surely they've learned by now that it's pointless building a customer base if you can't keep them loyal?

Lyn Collins, a favourite amongst sampling acts for nearly two decades, has died. Collins made her name as a member of the James Brown Revue, where she was known as the Female Preacher. Her entry to the team came through marriage - the fourteen year-old had got married to a local Texas promoter for the JBR and it was through him she got to audition for Brown.

Her first solo album came in 1972, Think (About It) and was followed in 1975 by Check Me Out If You Don't Know Me By Now. These two albums would be plundered by hip hop acts looking for a sample - first Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock took a snatch for It Takes Two; then Ludacris, Public Enemy and Schoolly D have made use of her distinctive voice.

Her death at the age of 56 came as a shock; she'd recently been touring in Europe and had been planning a US tour. The cause of death was cardiac arrhythmia. Lyn Collins died at Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena.

There had been plans for Svetlana Ceca Raznatovic to play Toronto on Good Friday; however, the Canadian immigration team weren't that keen on giving her a visa, mainly because her husband Arkan (Zeljko Raznatovic) was indicted on war crimes charges. Although he was shot to death before he could face trial.

Mendel Green, immigration lawyer, is outraged on his client's behalf:

His widow is "the biggest thing since Britney Spears. "This woman has been all around the world."

The concert has been delayed until next week, Green said, in the hopes the visa will be cleared.

Green said the visa request was made 30 days ago. "The tragedy is these promoters are going to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars."

Yes, that is a real tragedy. You or I might feel that the ethnic cleansing that Arkan threw himself so cheerfully into would have been a bigger tragedy, but we just don't have the perspective. And while there's no suggestion that Ceca was involved in his crimes, she certainly made the best of the spoils:

Once Arkan and his popstar wife, Ceca, were doing a phone-in on Belgrade's Pink Television, when a female viewer rang to compliment Ceca on her fine gold and diamond necklace.

The viewer correctly described an inscription on it.

"How did you know?" asked the compere as the duo shifted uncomfortably on the plush sofa.

There's a bit of difference between America's The Apprentice and the UK version, isn't there? Mainly because in the UK its in the hands of Alan Sugar, a man for whom glitz and glamour is all unrequired overheads and he brings the air of one who can't understand why anyone would choose a TV talent show to launch a career to proceedings. Trump, however, loves starlight and sprinkles, which is why his show isn't as much fun. There's contempt for the contestants, but no actual disgust. Anyway, Trump has been asked if he'd consider booking Jacko to play some places in Vegas if the boy gets off the kid-fid charges:

"He has seriously changed. I knew Michael in his heyday, and I would say 15 years ago he was beyond anything that there was. He was Elvis and he was the Beatles and everything else, and it's very sad to see what's happened to Michael in so many ways. Michael's lived in my buildings over the years. He's been a perfect tennant. We've had no problem whatsoever. I mean, absolutely none. I know what goes on in my buildings. And, yeah, there's a concept that I would hire Michael Jackson to entertain, but, you know, it's very early to think about that. Michael has to get through this problem first." Asked for his thoughts about the trial, Trump said, "Well, I don't think he's looking bad in the trial, though. It sounds to me like the mother of -- I mean, he shouldn't be showing up in pajamas. That's the one thing he shouldn't be wearing for a trial like this. Maybe at certain trials, but for this trials, pajamas don't go well with the jury. And, you know, Michael for some reason, he's just -- I don't know. He's his own worst enemy. It's very sad to see what's happened to Michael."

We're a little interested in Trump's claim that Jackson has changed over the last fifteen years. It's true - back in 1990, he was able to pay off a kid who accused him of touching him, and the kid stayed paid off. We're not sure that really puts him in the same league as Elvis or the Beatles. Musically, certainly not - you could perhaps make a case that twenty-two years ago, when Thriller was out, he came close. But fifteen? He'd already pissed it away.

If any lawyer would like to suggest what trials it's appropriate to wear pyjamas to, we'd love to hear from them.

"I guess what it meant was, I've always felt I had to make excuses for a lot of things. People have always been like, "Are you black? Are you white?" "Are you R&B, are you pop?" It's always been some type of "let me explain myself and make apologies for who I am," and that's not what it's about. So it's a great feeling."

Eh? Who on earth has ever asked Mariah Carey if she was black? The only person we can imagine might have wanted some clarification was Stevie Wonder, and he's not got a problem with his ears as far as we know. And the 'are you pop or R&B' query makes a little more sense if you realise that people were probably asking 'is that meant to be pop or r&b' - it's not that you're hard to categorise, Mariah, it's just that it's hard to discern anything distinctive in your work.

Hint to record shop staff: File the Emanciaption of MiMi under whatever bit you dump the Anastacia albums in. 'Bargain Bucket' would probably do it.

"Deadlines be damned. It was all to do with fiscal years and shareholders anyway. Once we forgot about the money we were free to push ourselves to the very limits and make the best album possible."

What seems to be interesting is not that they didn't deliver to deadline, but didn't start to make the album they wanted until they'd already lost the bonus. It's like a bankrupt suddenly discovering communism.

Chris hasn't quite grasped his maths, either:

Explaining the album's title Martin said: "X and Y is the mathematical formula used when you don't know the answer. But, it's also like black and white, or hope and despair, or optimism and pessimism. Everywhere you look there's a tension of opposites."

Eh? X and Y aren't a formula; they're a pair of mathematical symbols used to denote an unknown quantity. And they don't have a black-and-white tension, either; there's also z, for example. He seems to have confused both 'unknown quantity' with 'not knowing the answer' and Alpha and Omega with x and y. Indeed, how can X and Y stand for a tension of opposites when their whole point is that nobody knows what they stand for at all. In future interviews, Chris, try claiming that the album title is about the way the world is full of unknowns. That at least might make some sense.

Chris is worried that he might not be a good songwriter:

"I still spend at least 60 per cent of my time thinking `I can't write songs.' I don't see myself as brilliantly talented, but lucky to have met the right combination of people who fit together like a jigsaw so you can't see our individual shortcomings."

So, you're spending six hours out of every ten thinking you can't write songs - well, that explains what the problem is: you're having to rush your songwriting into the remaining four, aren't you?

By the way, Chris: You know you think we can't see your shortcomings? You're probably right, we can't. But boy, can we hear them...

Well, it was all looking so good for Whitney, assuming that the "food poisoning" on the plane that time really was just food poisoning and not a thin lie trying to cover up overindulgence. Now, though, she's gone straight back to rehab to cope with more "food poisoning" - oh, hang on, we can be honest again now, right? - addictions.

It must be pleasing to Bob Geldof to know that he can still mobilise large numbers of people in outraged protest. It's just nowadays they're mobilising against him: there was a protest march on the British Mission in Nairobi after his call for Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni to "get a grip and go away". Museveni is seeking an unconstitutional third term in power. It's not gone down very well in Uganda:

Mr Museveni's supporters hit back by mobilising a mob to rally on the streets and even make a half-hearted attempt to storm the British mission in the Ugandan capital.

"Mob", of course, being the Daily Telegraph word of choice for any group of more than three people with manual jobs getting together in a public place.

"We are saying no to external influence from neo-colonialists, specifically the UK," Moses Nuwagaba of the Makerere University Movement Forum told a Kampala newspaper. "We are telling them that they ruled us for 100 years and we did not see any elections or term limits, so what moral authority do they have now to preach democracy to us?"

Those opposed to Museveni's third term have been trying to organise a counter-demo (or "a mob of their own", as we expect the Telegraph would put it) but there seems to be no end of confusion over if the police are going to allow them to do so:

PRALP deputy national coordinator Higenyi Kemba told the press at Katonga Road, Nakasero that the demonstration was on and they did not expect security agencies to meddle with it.

“If security agencies meddle with the demo they will have become insecurity organisations,” Kemba said.

We guess the whole thing will probably be floating around the internet right now, but if you'd rather keep legitimate, Beverly Hills [Real], the first track from Weezer's new album Make Believe, is being streamed for your aural delight. Or shurgging 'they've lost it' dismissal.

The troubles of the rich and famous: the Beckhams are thinking of quitting Spain, according to The Daily Telegraph, because he's shit and needs a face-saving way of quitting Real Madrid ("because their kids are being hounded by paparazzi").

It must be terrible, though, all this press intrusion. It's not like they've used their kids as fame-fodder, flogging pictures of the tykes to Hello and OK, is it?

Three lions on his chest? Is his Jules Rimet still gleaming? The Daily Star seems to believe that Michael Jackson's a secret England fan because of a badge he was wearing:

Boys, Jackson thinks it's okay to have kids over for sleepovers. I wouldn't assume there's any rational thought process going on when someone helps him get dressed in the morning. The Mariah Carey story - 11 flunkeys to fix one broken nail - is fascinating; it sounds like a new take on the 'how many people to change a lightbulb joke?' (In this case, then, one to fix the nail, ten to provide counselling and... shit, nobody left to manage the negative publicity).

Jackson's on the front of the Sun, although we should point out the phrase "Jacko's teen porn stash" doesn't refer to the picture of Coleen McLoughlin in a bikini next to it. We think. Incidently, amidst all the coverage of Wayne Rooney's latest punch-up, we noticed that Coleen is now being referred to as "aspiring actress" - which we guess means she's abandoned the attempt to be a pop star already. Phew.

The wait for that second Yeah Yeah Yeahs album just got a little longer, as the band have axed all their work for it so far because it sounded too much like the last one:

Singer KAREN O says, "We're not interested in making 'Fever To Tell Part 2'. The pressure is to re-invent ourselves. We don't know how we're going to do it yet but I think it's in our best interests to try and explore other directions."

Guitarist NICK ZINNER adds, "It seems like a necessary step and the obvious thing to do is not repeat what you've played. I was disappointed by a lot of band's second records recently over the past year or two because it sounded like B-sides from the first record."

This isn't to be confused with the Oasis album scrapping, which was done because the album sounded rubbishy and tossed-together. Oasis have never had a problem with releasing the same record over and over again.

In a bid to keep the publicity balloon aloft ("to explain his waspish remarks about other celebrities") Boy George has been yakking away again. Can anyone explain to us what he actually means by this:

I had very parallel experiences with George Michael.

"We're both called George. We were both big in the eighties. We're both gay and we dealt with it in very different ways.

"I was seen as the obvious homosexual, when in actual fact I was in a relationship."

Why is "being in a relationship" the apparent opposite of being homosexual? Is George - shock - falling back on the sort of lazy stereotyping of gay men as being promiscuous. The, erm, lazy stereotyping he was originally blaming George Michael for upholding?

Ah, Britain has a new obsession: Just how small is Kylie's waist in that corset? Kylie has denied that it's 16 inches (we didn't believe it when Brian Molko said it wasn't 16 inches, and we're not minded to believe you...) (Actually, we are.)

Thing is, it clearly doesn't pull her in very far, but surely that's not the point here, is it? She spent five grand (apparently) on this corset, and it's... neither attractive nor sexy:

Not much from the music world on the front pages this morning, aside from the Daily Star: look who's making another comeback:

Louise who used to be in Eternal. It's hard to tell if she's relaunching the career she thought she had (singing) or the career she was actually famous for (sitting in her pants in FHM while people wondered if she was a failed singer or a failed actress). It looks like the latter, although when they stop using 'airbrush' and just use the 'blur - more' filter on your face, it's probably a sign you need retraining.

Just in passing: The Star is giving away a white van - presumably they've discovered three of their readers don't already own one.

'We have been so moved by the reception we've had from people across Scotland. 'It's been such a great year and the support the Record has given us has been absolutely fantastic and thoroughly appreciated.

'The Record, and especially John Dingwall, the Razz girls and Rick Fulton, have been there from the start and we are so grateful for the positive pieces you have written over the past 12 months.'

We're a little surprised that Mel C is tut-tutting over Britney Spears being "too overtly sexual" these days - the last six months, every picture we've seen of Britney has had her in a slouch-suit, carrying a packet of Rothmans and her stupid rat-dog thing and with over-promoted parking valet Fred Kevinline trailing behind her. I mean, our standards aren't that high, but even we find it tricky to be stirred by the 2005 model of Britney.

Usually, there's nothing finer than the prospect of spending a weekend at Camber Sands for All Tomorrows Parties. But the one at the end of April has just confirmed it's going to have Yoko Ono playing.

Some good news for Britney Spears: a judge has ruled in her favour in the court battle between her and Lite Breeze over the In The Zone phrase; Lite Breeze threw a cow when Britney used the phrase as an album title as they'd made shoes or something and marketed them with the same words.

Some good news for Britney Spears: a judge has ruled in her favour in the court battle between her and Lite Breeze over the In The Zone phrase; Lite Breeze threw a cow when Britney used the phrase as an album title as they'd made shoes or something and marketed them with the same words.

Mariah Carey's happiness with Tommy Mottola didn't last through the honeymoon, the singer has admitted. And she says she still knows nothing abut men. "Yeah, everybody talks about that," the "Emancipation of Mimi" singer told Damon Dash's America Magazine about her grandiose 1993 wedding to the Sony exec. "But no one saw me on the honeymoon, running down the beach, miserable, crying and alone."

Everyone talks about Mariah's wedding? Really? She does know that when she hears people in the street saying "that old trout getting married to the coldfish with the top job..." they mean Camilla and Charles, doesn't she?

It is heartbreaking to hear that Mariah was all alone on a beach during her honeymoon. No witnesses... what an opportunity lost.

Hold your lunch firmly, now, though:

Seven years after the divorce, Mariah insists that she can still count on one hand how many sexual partners she's had. "I would like to be more experienced," Carey said. "I feel like in certain relation­ships, had I been more experienced, maybe things would have been different."

We're sure she can count partners on one hand, providing the hand has got a large abacus or enormous scientific calculator in it. Or dozens of fingers.

But we do wonder what would have been "different" if she'd been more experienced - presumably she'd have had the confidence to say "No, Tommy, I don't believe that everybody does put that there, actually."

Or maybe she'd have realised that it's not normal to have to sleep with the boss of a record label to get a decent contract. Even if you don't have any appreciable talent.

Sharon, official shill of WalMart's UK division, said in her stupid Minnie-Mouse-with-a-tracheotomy voice:

”After three years, the MTV cameras became part of the family, documenting what is possibly the most dramatic year we have had. Though it was rough sometimes, we are truly blessed to have had this amazing experience.”

Now, we know you might be worried that on April 17th you might be bored, and accidently capture what has been one woman's longest audition tape on MTV. That's why, as a service to you, we're suggesting the following things to do that day to avoid the TV at all costs:

Okay, more precisely, it's Bono and his venture capitalist chums over at Elevation Partners who have purchased Eidos, makers of Tomb Raider and so on. Not everyone is thrilled by the prospect of Bono taking control and at appears some of the Eidos staff have called in sick today:

We're looking at the figures for music sales worldwide and trying to see where the problem that requires clumsy, greedy legal action actually lies, and do you know what? We can't see a problem. Despite legal - legal downloads becoming more and more popular, there was a 4.5% growth in UK CD album sales in 2004. You can understand why the BPI really feels it has no choice but to bring legal action against individuals offering a few albums online, as they really are suffering, aren't they? 174.6 million CD sales worth of pain.

Worldwide, the overall size of music sales dipped by just 1.3% to USD33.6bn - not including, of course, the millions of dollars spent on downloads and telephone ringtones; set against a growing range of movie DVD sales, electronics goods aimed at the music fan, and increased scrutiny of over-pricing by the record industry leading to falling prices, that seems to be evidence of an industry in pretty rude health to us.

On the other hand, the top five albums sold round the world last year were:

We had a nice cup of warm milk and a bit of a sit down and were able to cope with the 'boy george selling veg to bill gates' story. Then we discover a press release claiming that people are using vet supplies as beauty aids because, erm, Shania Twain does:

It's all part of a trend started by singing sensation Shania Twain, who a few years ago, revealed to a British newspaper her beauty secret: Bag Balm, an ointment made to heal cow udders. The Timmins, Ontario born Twain claimed she rubs the product on her face and hair to relieve dryness after long airplane flights.

Jonathan King is to be released from prison early - not even usually early (he'd be officially ready for parole next tuesday, but he's going to be out of Maidstone on Thursday). Presumably the prison are just sick of having to fetch pens and paper to let King send yet another outraged letter to the press.

King intends to write a musical about the life of Cole Porter (we'd love to have been at his parole board when they asked "And how do you intend to support yourself if we do release you?"). But whatever will Phil Collins have to say about a man convicted of sexually abusing teenagers being released from prison?

If you thought the return of Duran Duran - walking back into the studio and picking up the threads where they'd left off a decade before (i.e rather than from the glory days) - was surprising, Roxy Music aren't just regrouping for the Isle of Wight festival; Bryan Ferry, Phil Manzanera, Andy Mackay, Paul Thompson and Brian Eno are going to make their first album together since 1973. We're not so sure that trying to recapture the spirit of the band after so long is a good idea - gran rock rather than glam rock; we're picturing them singing "what's her name? Virginia Plain? Who was that? Was that Alfie's oldest?" - and we fear the odds are stacked against them. But, on the other hand, Bryan Ferry can still sing anything and make it sound worthwhile, so perhaps it's not a totally doomed idea.

Monday, March 21, 2005

What does music mean to you? Emotion, love, sadness, hearts, flowers, going la la la and giggling? You might want to look away now, then, as Toyota have launched a record label as part of a marketing write-off for the launch of its new American model, the Scion. Yep, music is now so debased, it's reduced to being little more than a way of flogging a few extra cars - they've even cut out the pretence of just using the music as a soundtrack to adverts (or "Moby" as it was known). Now, there's no way of even pretending to have any dignity. The whole existence of the records - initially from Dakah Hip Hop Orchestra - will be to sell vehicles.

And what vehicles. Meet the Toyota Scion:

Ugly, boxy, way too large and ruinious to the environment. It should fit in with being an RIAA member just fine.

We can't actually quite believe that the internet actually has this non-story on it, so we'll repeat it in full:

Flamboyant pop singer Boy George has impressed software billionaire Bill Gates - not with his catchy tunes, but with his organic broccoli.

The Karma Chameleon star, whose raunchy new autobiography Straight is currently causing a stir, co-owns a plush health food shop in the wealthy area of Kensington, London.

And Microsoft magnate Gates - who has a mansion nearby - is hooked on the wholesome produce from the former Culture Club singer's shop.

George, real name George O'Dowd, reveals, "Bill comes in and buys lots of organic veg.

"The floor staff are always joking that he probably turns all his potatoes into chips - they're a witty bunch."

We've read it backwards and forwards, and checked several websites to see if "organic veg" is some sort of euphemism, but it doesn't seem to be. So... we're left with our rational head trying to believe that Bill Gates (i) does his own shopping; (ii) is in London often enough that he regularly has to buy vegetables; and (iii) buys his vegetables from Boy George.

We suspect it's some bloke with glasses who might look a little like Bill Gates.

Our artist's impression was thrown together too quickly to work in a "would you like an apple?"/"I really don't fancy any fruits" joke.

Giving the nineteen people in Liverpool who weren't in the original line-up a chance to do their time in the La's, Lee Mavers and John Power are resurrecting the band. We wish it was because an Arab Prince was offering half a million quid, but it's more down to the Summer Sonic festival in Tokyo giving an offer of a few quid.

"NERD is dead. I don't agree with the management at Virgin Records so we're done. Me and Chad (Hugo) still do what we do in the studio, Shay is still our best friend, you know, perhaps we'll do some music for our fans and leak it to the internet or something, who knows?"

Nice one, EMI (for it is they who lurk behind Virgin). Would anyone from the label care to remind us how they believe they "represent" their artists?

Half of the wish we made by rubbing the magic wishing frog of Barcalona has come true - Mariah Carey's stylist has made he start covering up her chest as part of the work to try and make the comeback stick: in other words, she's being told to wear more appropriate attire in the workplace. We're still hoping the magic frog does its work on the other half of the wish, though, and someone forces her to wear a gimp mask - or at the very least a ball gag - whenever she even thinks of going near a microphone.

Billie Piper isn't going to watch the first episode of the new Doctor Who - she says she's going to get drunk instead. Nice to see she's takne some lessons from her marriage to Chris Evans - as we recall, it wasn't unknown for him to be pissed when his programmes were going out, too. But there's no real need for you to go to the pub to avoid Dr Who, Billie - you could just do what everyone else is doing, and watch Ant and Dec instead.

We're a little surprised that anyone who has half a million to spare would use it to buy a private dance ("gig") from Dannii Minogue. Apparently, she's not in a position to turn it down ("thinking about accepting the offer"). The sweet irony, of course, is that the half a million quid is on offer from an Arab prince (is she sure, come to think of it, that it's not that hack from the News of the World again?) - and we know how Dannii panics when surrounded by signs and so on in Arabic... oh, hang on, she doesn't mind places in Australia having signage in the language spoken by the people who live there, she was only saying, wasn't she?

We're always excited to hear of new stuff from Luke Haines, even when the dreaded words "concept album" are being bandied about for his new project, an album calledThe State Funeral of Winston Churchill. At the moment, mind, it's just a title.

We're always excited to hear of new stuff from Luke Haines, even when the dreaded words "concept album" are being bandied about for his new project, an album calledThe State Funeral of Winston Churchill. At the moment, mind, it's just a title.

We're always excited to hear of new stuff from Luke Haines, even when the dreaded words "concept album" are being bandied about for his new project, an album calledThe State Funeral of Winston Churchill. At the moment, mind, it's just a title.

We're always excited to hear of new stuff from Luke Haines, even when the dreaded words "concept album" are being bandied about for his new project, an album calledThe State Funeral of Winston Churchill. At the moment, mind, it's just a title.

The funeral takes place today of Gareth Bonetto. Bonetto - under his stage name of Eddie Richards - lead metal act Blood Retch, who had built a small but dedicated following around the world and even managed a hit single in the Netherlands.

Bonetto had been unwell for some time and had spent a period in the Royal Glamorgan before his death. It's believed he comitted suicide. The band had been discussing the possibility of a US tour.

When RCA were plotting their bungled Elvisathon, attempting to stake out the top of the charts for 18 weeks with Elvis re-releases, they probably never thought that The Stereophonics would have caused them problems, as last week. But what they certainly wouldn't have counted on would have been Tony Christie confounding them, too. Not only has Christie taken this week's number one slot (thanks to the Peter Kay video and Comic Relief), but he's outsold every other single this year, and most of last year's as well. In a single week. Is This The Way To Amarillo - much, much more popular than Elvis.

Now we're hoping the British draught sherry Amarillo - which used the song on its 1970s TV ads - rides the crest of the comeback wave. We'd like to swagger down the grocers with an empty bottle.

We're bemused by the continuing coverage of the Lena Zavaroni of our age, Charlotte Church - both The Sun (who have another mainly racist front page today) and The Star make space for the latest twist in the tale:

- but who is it they think is interested? Even Charlotte's gran has long since abandoned her scrapbook. Shouldn't we at least insist she sells some records like, this decade, before she gets any more coverage for her sex romp/love rat lifestyle?

The Mail and Express, however, have more important matters on their mind: they know their middle management readers love a spot of mild s&m:

Those teases at the Mail tuck away that Kylie corset in the inner pages, but Richard Desmond didn't get where he is today without letting his readers have a full splash on his front page:

Apparently we're about to see "the return of the corset" - although, surely, for one or two tabloid editors it never really went away, did it?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

There's probably enough material for a spin-off all P Diddy Lawsuit blog these days, but since we can't be arsed to set one up we'll just throw down the Colombia Pictures action being launched against Sean Combs here. Colombia claim that Diddy and his Bad Boy laundering service... sorry, record label (we always get those two muddled up) was meant to pay a million quid up front to cover the costs of producing the soundtrack for Bad Boys 2, but somehow Colombia ended up paying the bills themselves.

Diddy, talking through a spokesperson, reckons its - yes - all a terrible misunderstanding:

"This is a misunderstanding which we believe has been resolved and anticipate that the lawsuit will be withdrawn shortly."

Now, here's something to raise the next time you find yourself in a moot court: if an artist tells you that he'd rather you steal his record off the web than buy it, and record companies insist that they're only trying to stop artists losing out when people download, does that make it okay to download? We only ask right now because Alex Kapranos is so pissed off at Roadrunner for releasing The Karelia album Divorce At High Noon, he's encouraging people to go and get it off bittorrent instead of at the shops:

"It's a bit strange to see Roadrunner re-releasing it now and making a big fanfare.

"There's something that doesn't sit quite right, because they dropped us and deleted us from their back catalogue and website - they completely deleted all trace of us.

"Do you want to know the honest truth? I'd rather people downloaded it from the internet than bought it off them."

"I see so many public figures just gratuitously lending their names to products that I really don't understand.

"I just wonder why, like, Beyonce's doing this Tommy Hilfiger thing, and isn't it enough to have $50m? Do you need $51m?"

Moby, of course, wouldn't do such a thing. Indeed, he was much more savvy, allowing his music to soundtrack car adverts while still banging on about how evil cars are. So much smarter than actually letting your name be attached to your endorsements.

Moby is worried that picking on Beyonce may lead to trouble:

"It wouldn't be good, because then all of a sudden Jay-Z (Beyonce's boyfriend) and Damon Dash (Jay-Z's business partner) would be involved.

"I'd find myself at the bottom of the Hudson River."

That's the terrible thing about Jay-Z and Damon Dash - they're terrible with the pollution when they're dumping bodies. Maybe you should go and have a fight with Lil'Kim, Mobes - we hear she gets her henchmen to ensure all their targets get properly recycled. 85% less gets sent to landfill than Tupac ever managed.

Maybe nobody had bothered to tell Christina that she was one of those tacky celebs with their own clothing lines when she made her comments about how awful that whole business is, and how it's the mark of the desperate and short of ideas to start flogging pants off their brand name. But she doesn't need to worry now - Black Box, who had signed a deal to market her fashions, have now axed the contract. Of course, they've also instructed a lawyer to set about recouping the investment her yakking has just blown out the water.

American scientists have expressed relief that the long-running drought of stories about Britney Spears being pregnant has ended. It had been almost three weeks since anyone had observed behaviour that would lead to the appearance of 'Is Britney pregnant' stories in the press, and concerns had been expressed that without something, the gossip pages would have been forced to fall back onto speculation about the date of Christina Aguilera's wedding for possibly the whole of the summer. However, jubilation has broken out amongst observers following Britney telling baby store staff that she's 'nine weeks pregnant'. "This is brilliant news for us" said an observer, "as it's more than enough to ensure we can run another two months worth of long-lens pictures of Spears' belly with 'is he or isn't she' captions."

Apparently Osmond-Chipmunk crossbreed Brian McFadden has been warned to not write any more songs about Delta Goodrem in case it harms his career. In one of the biggest PR disasters of recent times - oh, alright, since The Hamiltons, then - Brian and Delta's attempts to give each other a shoe-up by pretending that they give each a gee-up has blown up as The Sort Of People Who Care are more outraged by his not living like a monk after the collapse of his marriage to Kerry Katona, former topless model and something or other. TV presenter of some sort, was it? Now, it's looking like Brian is going to have to stop doing lovesongs altogether - which leaves an enormous question: what the hell is he going to sing about instead? The World Bank? Biomechanics?

Faced with the problems of the starving in Brazil, Lenny Kravitz has made a generous donataion of, erm, a guitar. Okay, you can't actually eat guitars but the idea is that the Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva will auction the instrument and spend the money he gets on sandwiches and crisps for everyone. Oh, alright, on water cisterns in North East Brazil. Everyone comes out well of this deal - Brazil takes a small step closer on its mission to wipe out hunger by 2006; the rest of the world comes one guitar closer on our campaign to leave Kravitz with no instruments to make his godawful music with by July 2007.

There's some people who would try and tell you that people who win American Idol aren't proper musical celebs at all, but that just isn't true: Look at Ruben Studdard. He's being sued for breach of contract by his manager, just like a proper singer. Former manager Ron Edwards is actually counter-suing Studdard - Studdard launched a suit against him claiming that he'd misused a quarter of a million dollars; now Edwards is calling for half a million for not paying management fees or nothing. Although he seems to undermine his own complaint:

Edwards' attorney, Glennon Threatt, told the Birmingham News that his client and Studdard, 26, were longtime family friends and that Edwards agreed to help Studdard for free before he won American Idol in May 2003.

Although it won't be affecting the odds overmuch, Lebanon has pulled out of the Eurovision song contest. No, not because someone at state broadcaster Tele Liban sent a message to Eurovision headquarters saying "Yes, we checked and you're right, Lebanon is in the Middle East and not Europe after all", but because they got the hump over Israel also being involved:

Tele Liban’s head, Ibrahim Khoury, confirmed the decision to pull out, saying that the broadcaster was unaware of the presence of an Israeli participant when it confirmed its entry in December.

"Lebanon is in a state of war with Israel. If the Israeli contestant wins, we would have to show the celebrations," Khoury said.

He would also be obliged to allow viewers to vote for the Israeli entry. "I cannot do this," he said.

Obviously Lebanon is so really keen on the Eurovision Song Contest, it managed to not notice Dana International's victory for Israel in 1998.