Effective Communication with your children

Relatively speaking, it is fairly easy to communicate with kids up until the age of 10 or 11. But by sixth or seventh grade kids experience a developmental shift and begin to push back and assert their independence. What this means behaviorally is your child is going to argue with you, intentionally push your buttons, and act downright rude at times.

If you want to continue to effectively communicate with your child during this difficult time period in both your lives, I have found the following strategies most effective.

Stoplight communications

In using this strategy, you want to identify where you are in the conversation. When the light is green, everything is good. You are getting through to your child and vice-versa.

However, when things don’t feel so easy anymore and you are starting to feel agitated, uncomfortable, defensive, and your heart is racing, the light has turned yellow. You need to be careful at this point.

By the time you raise your voice, say things you don’t mean, or begin to yell, the light is red. Despite wanting to push through your anger and frustration and continue to communicate, you need to disengage. Take a break. Walk away for a bit and cool off.

I am not suggesting avoidance. I’m suggesting you give yourself some space and take a personal timeout. It’s essential you make yourself a promise to come back to the discussion when you can communicate appropriately. It might take multiple times to get back to green, but that is OK because you simply cannot communicate effectively when the light is red.

Tear and repair

The tear and repair strategy is what you use when you’ve gone past the red light. Maybe you yelled and really lost your temper, or perhaps you said some things you shouldn’t have said. It is now time to say you are sorry and repair the tear.

In using this strategy, you want closure so you can move forward. The only way to do this is to own up to your mistakes, because your adolescent needs to see you recognize your responsibilities.

If things go bad in a conversation, you need to come back to the subject at a different angle. If you are not able to say you’re sorry, your child is not going to listen to anything else you have to say. This strategy is a way to minimize the damage that has been created so you can figure out what went wrong later.

Pick your battles

Your adolescent is not always going to communicate in a respectful, gentle tone. The key here is to manage your expectations and realize it’s developmentally appropriate for your kid to push back and probably annoy you on purpose to see how you will react.

It might be hard to take when you’re in the moment, but your kid is trying to explore who they are and create an identity. What makes it difficult is that your child is not mature enough to figure these things out without lashing out at you. In meeting these sorts of behaviors head on, you need to respond evenly, consistently, and demonstrate to them that you’re on their side. Try to steer your kid back to points you both agree on.

By the same token, you need to draw a line, too, because some behaviors are just not acceptable. This is where definite consequences need to happen. It is never OK for your child to yell at you, demean you, or show you disrespect. This is what I mean by picking your battles.

Keep things in perspective

Although you might lose some communication with your kids as they enter adolescence, this is not a permanent change. As they get farther along in high school, they will begin to see you more as an ally.

Until then, however, I have found the above communication strategies very effective with my clients. The key is to model appropriate communication skills, because if you can help your kids learn to communicate, these skills will directly impact their academic, social, personal, and professional lives well into adulthood.

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Blog Author

Tracey Tucker

Tracey Tucker, MA LCMHC, is executive director of New Heights in
Portsmouth, as well as founder and therapist at Tradeport Counseling and
Mediation Associates. Tracey has worked with children and their families for nearly 20 years, and as a ... Read Full