December 22, 2009

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself.

I told myself that I would open up this window and write and see if at the end I felt better about myself.

Because I do not feel good about myself right now. I feel stressed and like I'm a little bit of a failure and a bad person. I feel like I should probably be taking blood pressure medication. I feel like I need to go to the spa and CHILLAX and stop guilt-tripping myself about the fact that I am not Super Woman and I can't Do It All and I shouldn't have ever started out trying because HELLO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

I feel like house buying and selling is too much of a project for me to handle on top of the holidays, on top of being a working mother, on top of managing a household, on top of being a wife and on top of retaining some small sliver of self and personal time for little old A'Dell.

First of all, I am pretty fiscally conservative. This is not to be confused with being cheap. I simply mean that I am rather uncomfortable spending large amounts of money and I'd always rather save a chunk of change than blow it on something shiny. Buying and selling homes deals with writing checks with a lot of zeros and, well, that gives me nervous tummy. Just the idea of parting with that much money makes me freak out.

I am also afraid (very, very afraid) of buying the wrong house that we'll end up not loving 6 weeks after closing. Or buying a house with weirdos next door or a house with Chinese drywall that makes us sick. Or maybe buying a house that somehow bankrupts us and makes us get divorced like Tom Hanks and that blonde (Shelly something?) in The Money Pit. The thing is, you don't know what in the heck someone else has done to it. You just have to trust them that they haven't ruined it and just made it look ok for purchase.

And then you give them a lot of money for granting them this trust! I don't trust them! How can I possibly trust these people that I don't know?!

What it comes down to is control. Of course. All of my "issues" have to do with control and how I need to be in control of situations to feel most comfortable. This presents a problem with the current set of events.

I can't control the history of the house we buy and I can't control which houses are available for sale. I can't control how much someone will accept for one of them, what day we move, when OUR house sells, whether people will be honest or not....LOTS OF GAPS IN CONTROL HERE PEOPLE.

I just keep thinking that the simplest thing to do is stay put. Stay in this house that we love, in this home that we have made together and just...deal with its shortcomings. But that means we have to keep living in the Super Sticks, 45 minutes from town, 15 minutes from the nearest grocery store and...I can't do that for the rest of my life. I want to live somewhere that they deliver sushi. I want to live somewhere that people will actually come visit me at. I want to live somewhere with a linen closet.

Another thing is that I'm tired of feeling bad about is wanting those things. Really, I am. I am tired of feeling guilty about being a successful adult in America who wants a freaking bigger house to have dinner parties at one day and a dedicated room for storing folded towels. Nobody is making snide comments, but every night when I watch Brian Williams I get this feeling that I'm in the minority and there aren't that many Successful Adults With Their Shit Together out there.

I also get the idea that the President is probably going to tax the crap out of me next year to punish me for being a Successful Adult. I am tired, SO TIRED, of having the press, government and some loud-mouthed people on the street try to make me feel BAD about being a Successful Adult. It's as if I DESERVE to have to give up more of my income because my success, hard work and responsible nature is something that merits punishment. And that really makes me mad too. I don't want to be punished for being successful. I want a linen closet. ME AND MY TOWELS DESERVE ONE.

And the holidays. Oh my hell, the holidays. BAH HUMBUG. I could really give a flying crap about Christmas this year. I have too much to do, not enough time to concentrate on it to get it done well and Christmas is IN MY WAY.

Christmas is busying up Wal-Mart so I can't grocery shop. Christmas is making my favorite shopping center crowded so I can't park to get enchiladas with my work buddy at lunch. Christmas is making me stress out about gifts that I have to buy that nobody really wants. Christmas is making me travel when I want to stay home in my pajamas. Christmas is making me feel bad about myself because I haven't done anything tradition-y with Claire and we haven't even gone to look at lights or hang stockings.

Christmas makes me feel ungrateful for the good things in my life. It makes me think I'm an bad person. So, yeah. Not feeling the proverbial Christmas Spirit this year.

And that also makes me feel bad about myself. Just throw it on the pile.

I'm glad to hear someone else is sharing my same feelings on Christmas this year. I'm feeling like a big grinch. Working my butt off, spending my vacation time on a freaking shoot in LA, having to fly from LA to Midland on Christmas Eve to where I will show up empty handed. Merry freakin' Christmas. We can wallow together! :)

There are very (emphasize very) few things in this world that are important. I have my tier one level of things that are important and can merit nervous worry; family, the buddies, girlfriend. If you notice all three of these could probably be lumped into the same thing. They are all my family (extended at least).

Everything else, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is a long and distant tier 2 worry. I love my job. Absolutely love that they feel I merit to be paid for something that I truly enjoy waking up for. If they fire me tomorrow it sucks but does my life really change? The tier 1 stuff doesn't change. Even if I start digging ditches and have to live more modestly my tier 1 still doesn't change. I've lived on much less before, I was not one iota "happier" than I am today.

Stuff is not bad. Stuff is good, do not feel guilty that you want the conveniences of life. I like buying myself new toys too, we all do. Linen closets and Xboxs are tier 2 things though. Tier 2 can't unbalance tier 1.

When you feel bogged down by the smaller things in life (yes buying a new house is a smaller thing in life) just look to your friends and your family and how great things are. If you buy the wrong house pick up your family and try another one (you've done it plenty of times before). If the linen closet isn't big enough tell Chris to pick up a sledge and make it so. If you don't make the right dessert bar Christmas will not be ruined. Would Christmas really be that different if we all met in a one bedroom aparment with no heat and didn't have any presents but we made cheese grits and drank coffee? Sounds like the same thing to me. All those tier 2 things are easily changed, remedied, fixed and therefore do not merit my vigilant worry. I'll keep my panic attacks for the things that I can't fix if they go wrong, the things that can't be mended, bought, or exchanged online.

Oh and by the way the couple in the Money Pit end up realising just how much they love each other and how having the perfect house (which they have in the end) is worthless without the other person in it with them.

I also feel guilty and bad about myself, with a large helping of I'm A SAHM So I'm Not Even Contributing To The House Fund For The Big Ass House I Demand. BAH. Also: People packed entire families into two bedroom houses in the Days Of Yore so what's MY problem? DOUBLE BAH.

This is a CRAZY time of year, even when you aren't selling a house. I shall spread some cheer your way!

I love your brother's response to this post, he is spot on. Don't feel bad about being successful or wanting anything bigger or better for your family. A house (and all those 0's that come along with it) can be VERY intimidating, but what I have found in my life is that things ALWAYS work out the way they were supposed to. You know? So why bother worrying about it TOO much? It is all ultimately out of your control in the long run (which is terrifying for a control freak, believe me) but it just ends up working somehow. And linen closets? They are dreamy. You deserve a linen closet, dear friend.