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Ban them

Mobile phones are the leading cause of preventable death in the world.

Studies have shown that one third of all deaths worldwide are attributable to the use of these deadly devices.

The effects of mobile phones are beyond dispute and have proved to cause irreparable damage to the brain from microwaves. They are more addictive than heroin, causing their hapless victims to function without a mobile phone to hand at all times, even during sleep. Amongst the more serious side effects are the tendency to step out under buses while texting and causing ten car pile-ups from watching the latest X-Factor episode while driving on a motorway.

Any evidence to the contrary emanates from Big Phone and should therefore be ignored.

Research has shown that the long term effects of mobile phones leads to a reduction in intelligence and is indicated by an inability to spell and to pepper conversations with such expressions as "LOL", "Hashtag" and "OMG".

Recent studies have also discovered the phenomenon of "secondhand phoning" whereby non-phone bystanders suffer from extreme anger at having to listen to long one-sided conversations about how Jacinta has broken up with her boyfriend, the latest agenda for the lunchtime board meeting and a running commentary on where the bus or train is at any one moment. Outbreaks of anger caused by the suffering of secondhand phoning have led to the destruction of thousands of phones and account for a further estimated one million deaths per year. Laboratory studies have shown conclusively that secondhand phoning is 8,556% more dangerous than secondhand smoke [which is, after all, just a little bit of smouldering leaf].

Evidence is also emerging that the sight of people using mobile phones is leading to children taking up the habit, and there are fears that these children may use mobile phones as a gateway to "hard radiation" where they stick their heads in microwave ovens.

There was also a recent increase in mental institution admissions after owners of Apple phones became infected with the deadly U2 virus.

Professor Chumpman of some university in California has been known to mutter that "if mobile phones had been invented in the last fifty years they would have been banned outright". "We must cover the packaging of mobile phones with pictures of walnuts to show these idiots what will happen to their brains" he concluded.

You'd better start shouting that out as not many people seem to be aware of that? Incidentally, is your device connected to the wall with a wire? If not then it is one of the deadly microwave versions which means it's already too late to phone for help. Mind you, phoning for help will probably kill you with the radiation anyway.

After years of addiction leading to "Phone-wrist" in both hands, I am not longer able to work, eat alone, smoke or masturbate. My quality of life has been shattered by these insidious things and I call on Governments everywhere to immediately ban their use and possession. Centres must be opened and an amnesty given for a short period allowing users to hand over their devices for destruction. Then a nationwide dragnet must be done to catch the hard-core offenders who refuse to comply. I also helpfully suggest a €3,000 fine for a first offense and €6,000 fine for the phone makers and service providers.

Let's have a few pints and smokes and kick around the idea. Over steaks later we could work on a name for it. Naturally we'll register as a charity because income and expenditure will be tax-free . I'm thinking "Action of phoning and texting" or APT, (as in appointed to speak on the topic). I have a friend who works in a garage and he says he'll supply us with a whole pile of bogus figures to back up any wild claim we want to make and he says it will all sound scientific too. Then all we have to worry about is what size six-figure sum we pay ourselves!!

Good. I hope you'll soon read New Research Findings about the social and dietary implications of spreading use of pop-up toasters. Governments have got to do something drastic to halt the spread of pop-up toasters – and I don't mean by putting higher rates of VAT on them.