Onward

It’s been months since I’ve written anything here. Life keeps marching on and doesn’t really look all that different than in did back in May when I last sat down to write. In some ways I guess it has, but overall, not really. I think that’s why I’ve waited. A while back I wrote something about what I tend to do. In the absence of what I would define abundance and fruitfulness, my rut is to run to the window of our life and jump at the possibility that something will change, that life will return to some sort of normalcy that I’ve known in the past. If something changed, I’d have something to say. I could give an update about the next season. I’ve done a pretty huge amount of heart work in the past 2 1/2 years of wilderness but the rut is still there under the growing grass. It’s still easy to run right into when I’m not watching where I’m going. Am I making any sense???

The truth is that a TON has changed. I’m a different person. There are things I prioritized then that I don’t now and other things that I prize now but hadn’t even really noticed before this journey began. Gut-wrenching loss, sorrow, rejection, loneliness, cancer, and powerlessness over situations will do that. For me, it has. I’m starting 2015 in much the same circumstances I started 2014. BUT. I pray that this year I will live with abandon to who God has made me and to enjoy Him. I don’t want to spend any more time worrying/hoping/crying over what has been or what may be. I tell you, I’m exhausted. I know it’s not the life that is mine as a follower of Jesus. I still long for some sort of normalcy. I long for a home of our own to the point that it hurts. I feel done with being a nomad… but I pray that as long as we’re nomads, I’ll worship my way through it. I heard a while back that wilderness is a season of discovery… that the intimacy of it makes it hard to leave. I can feel that. It’s true that when your comforts have been removed from your life, you have to make a decision. I’ve been frantic about that and I’ve rested. I’ve cried buckets of tears in both sorrow and surrender and thankfulness.

I feel like I’m rambling but this is where I’m at on this last day of 2014. I feel a stirring in my soul for growth. To throw off what entangles me and live in freedom. Powerful words were spoken over me last October. There was an image of God as an eagle and me under His wings, being taken to new heights. His invitation to me. Recently, an addition/edit to the image. A tether keeping me from reaching the heights of the Eagle and under His protection. The tether was holding on to past hurt/questions/betrayal and was my own doing. Such an accurate portrayal of my heart. There is a bitterness from the past that begs to stay in my mouth, to remind me of what I think is unjust or needs remembered. And then there’s bitterness of life that can be sweet when I allow God to write the story, to change my heart, to prompt forgiveness and surrender. Oh God, may it be so. May it continue to be so. In this Christmas season, I’ve been reminded many times that God is, indeed, EMMANUEL. So personal. Always present. Ever inviting.

Lamentations 3:19-26

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,the wormwood and the gall!20 My soul continually remembers itand is bowed down within me.21 But this I call to mind,and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]his mercies never come to an end;23 they are new every morning;great is your faithfulness.24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,“therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him.26 It is good that one should wait quietlyfor the salvation of the Lord.