I watched the table next to me as the mom attempted a conversation with her son. Probably around 14 or 15 years old, big headphones hugging his neck, hood over his head, back rounded, hands holding an iPhone, fingers tapping wildly, he nodded and grunted responses to his mother…

But he never picked up his head to look at his mother in the eyes.

My heart ached as I watched this mother passively succumb to her son's Gen Z's approach to life.

I also felt alarmed as I thought about my sons.

The Real Impact of Technology

I won't deny my children technology use. I won't helicopter their technology use.

I will try to guide their self-regulation a la Montessori style. That is the critical point: self-regulation.

So what does that mean? Using technology as a means of effective communication is likely going to end in failure.

We all see it.

People texting one another while in the same room.

Inability to read social queues including facial expressions and body language.

The result? A lack of social intelligence. In other words, an inability to sustain healthy relationships with friends, family, and partners. As people lose the ability to read one another without verbal expression (or without emojis) there will be incessant miscommunication and a dulled sense of how to talk and to relate to other human beings.

The Term Coining the Impact

The term is called “Flat Affect.”

The term is not a new one but just hasn't been readily applied to, well, teenagers across the board. Typically the term is used to describe schizophrenic behavior, autism, or a brain injury. Depression is also related to “flat affect”, which can be readily connected to young people (middle schoolers and high schoolers).

Here are a few definitions and descriptions that I found:

“A person with flat affect may appear unresponsive to the world around them.”

…he is never like this at home. He doesn't seem to be able to regulate his emotions in class. And it's not with me, it's with his teacher. I know him, so well. I understand him.

I know his teacher means well but she was squeezing him and took him out of the classroom to try to let him ‘calm down' but that never works for him. He just spirals out of control, screaming, hitting, crying, etc.

She tells me that he will eventually learn to calm for her because he has to…it just doesn't feel right…

9 Words that Became My Mantra During Difficult Parenting Moments

Then we spent an hour on the phone. I gathered information from her as she let it all out. Then we discussed strategies and resources to help her & her son work through this obstacle in his development.

I recognized where she was on her journey as a parent with sensory challenges. She was at the point she felt that all eyes were on her and that she was failing as a parent. She also felt extreme heartache for her sweet, gentle boy who was clearly in a lot of pain.

That latter part is where I chose to emphasize and drill into her. That is what she needed at that point in her journey.

She spoke of the harsh words delivered by her director about her son…

“Do you believe her?” I asked her taking a deep breath feeling a warm fall breeze rush over my body.

“No, no, I don't, I don't believe her,” she answered seemingly astonished by her own recognition of the fact that what she feels as a mother trumps the outward perception of her child's behavioral struggles.

I breathed in deeply, again, this time smelling the crisp fall air, and said to her, “Listen to the words that I am about to say and embrace them because these words are your mantra from here on out. You keep saying these words to yourself during tough times with your child and tough times with other children in your life.”

“Ok,” she sniffled.

“If he could do well, he would do well.”

I can't take credit for that observation. In fact, it is based on lots of research by a man named Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child. His approach to helping children, even children with extreme autism, is through a powerful collaborative problem-solving approach.

I reassured her that she is not alone in this world of parenting children with extreme sensitivities and suggested she check out a FREE Calm the Chaos workshop from Dayna at Lemon Lime Adventures. I took it and it literally transformed my family's life. The workshop doesn't start for a few weeks but you can immediately receive strategies that will help you and your child by signing up for the FREE Calming Strategies email series.

Parenting a child with sensory needs is not an easy road and one that carries a heavy load for parents and teachers. If we can remember that we're in it together, we'll be much better off and so will our children. More significantly, reminding ourselves again and again that “he would behave if he could”

I cradled my iPhone in the palm of my hand. My eyes scanned the headline: “deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history”. My breath lost its way for a moment. Then, as most moms would do, I tucked away my feelings and turned to my sons.

“Mama, what is it? What's wrong?” my 6-year-old asked me.

So much for tucking away my feelings.

“Why do you ask me that, sweetheart?”

“Your face looks scared…” he noted spot on.

I went over to him and knelt down to look at him.

“Your ability to read people is a gift. I am so amazed by you.” My boy is often labeled as “overly sensitive” and “explosive” because he feels the world around him.

I took a deep breath, put my arms on his shoulders, and looked him straight in the eyes, “This man, he was not a good man and he lacked courage. He was weak. He shot these people from a window high up so there was little anyone could do until the police were able to help. A lot happened quickly and the police did the best they could…”

How Can We Teach Our Kids that Taking the Difficult Path Will Make Them Stronger?

He stared at me. I could see his mind trying to process all of this information.

“If I was there, I would have tried to protect people.” His comment floored me.

You see, I worry that in 2017 – a time where kids seem to have it all and working hard takes a back burner – my kids will grow up to be weak. I want them to take a hard road so they become stronger. I encourage them to avoid taking the easy path because that will make them weak.

Then this happens…and I am reassured that I am raising a warrior kid.

My eyes filled with tears. He recognized the fact that the ordinary people need to act as warriors, need to be the heroes, and need to help each other.

“When I grow up, I am going to make it so bad people can't have guns. Why did they let him have a gun?” That was a big statement for a mother to take in.

All these questions. My mind was spinning so I decided to speak with my body. I held him tightly and whispered to him, “You're such a good person. You have such a big heart. I will always protect you. Will you always protect me?”

He nodded.

“For now though the best you can do is to be kind and to be good. So, at school today, be the guy that makes the hard choices. Maybe one of your classmates is having a tough day and you can say something to lift his spirits? Or maybe one of your classmates is getting picked on and you can step in and be his friend?”

“I bet my teachers will be sad about this bad guy. Maybe I can help them, too.”

Crap, this kid. Gets me every single time.

It is obvious that these incidents will continue to happen. Unfortunately, in a country going through a lot of transition, there will be confusion, and, likely, there will be more violence.

The best we can do as the adults in our kids' lives, no matter if we're in the classroom or at home, is to prepare for the questions. Be as proactive as possible. Anticipate the questions. Don't ignore the reality, don't run in the other direction. Instead, be prepared.

…before I had kids and while I was working 10 hour days…when I would come home, slipped my swollen feet into my cozy slippers…and surrender to the couch that allowed me to melt and melt into a deep oblivion.

The result was heavenly, especially when I was traveling in an unfamiliar place.

Then I had kids…and I was tired, so tired. The slippers that used to be my solace could no longer be located in my home.

And it took me a long, long time to find that place again.

As Montessorians, we place a lot of emphasis on spiritual preparation of the guide. Taking the time to understand who we are and what we need to leave aside as we guide children to become productive, happy adults.

However, Montessori is not just for kids.

During my training, I thought a lot about how this spiritual preparation applies to motherhood. Wouldn't it be amazing to have this type of journey before launching into motherhood?

I am thankful for Dr. Montessori for keeping me on the path of discovery as life ebbs and flows as I desperately sought that person I used to know.

Montessori & Motherhood.

I am in the fifth decade in this great universe. Yeah, that is a lot of trips around the sun…

…and I am proud of the journey.

I was lost for a long while even as I discovered my true place on this earth as a mother and a partner.

These days, my slippers no longer elicit the same response (likely because one of my children has hidden one or both of them). In fact, the simple sight of them brings me back to a time where I felt I knew what I wanted to be and how I wanted to live but now I realize I had no clue. No idea.

Having babies brought me clarity on levels of my being I never imagined…

Today I slip into my cozy prAna pants and life is good. Such a small gesture with such a large reward.

“Mom, why are you wearing those pants? Are you going somewhere?” says my six-year old who unfortunately has lived with a mom who forgot how to bring herself joy (even if the simplest of joys come from prAna).

For that journey and the destination (at least for now), I am grateful. I continue to grow and continue my spiritual journey as a guide to my children.

I am certain it will never end…

As Rhianna says,

Shine bright like a diamond
Shine bright like a diamond
Find light in the beautiful sea, I choose to be happy
You and I, you and I, we’re like diamonds in the sky…

Now for the fun part! I have a gift for you. Use the promo code “MHMMC15” to receive 15% off your next prAna order. Limited time offer.

OUR MISSION – The How… Inspire, educate, and outfit our audience as we strive to fundamentally change the way clothing is made.

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OUR VISION – The Way… Transcend the Trends We’re more than makers; we’re doers. Our designs are inspired by our own experiences and built for our shared journey. We strive to make clothes that help us all thrive in any environment and embody our collective adventurous spirit so we can focus on what really matters. Whether you’re commuting to work or wandering the globe, rest assured we’ve been there and used those moments to design a better product

Ha, Ha very funny, but that was not actually what I was thinking. Nice thought though isn’t it that your children will always have faith in you.

Back to the question though: As a parent why is it a good idea to sing your praises in front of your child, isn’t that teaching them to be a bit boastful?

No, I don’t think so, and it can be a beneficial habit to get into, as speaking positively about yourself in front of your children can be a good way for you to support their self- esteem.

Many parents worry about their child’s self- esteem. It’s natural to worry if your child has a habit of putting themselves down, maybe saying they are ‘rubbish’ even though you tell them they are not. Or you may have a child who won’t try new things because they might fail. One parent I know became frustrated because her younger son refused to learn to ride the bike he bought for his birthday. He had seen his older brother having fun on his ‘big boys’ bike, and wanted to be like him, but when it came down to it, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and just could not summon up the courage to try.

The fear of failure can be intense.

There’s no getting away from it though; it is tough out there for kids these days. When they leave the cozy, protective world of home and pre-school or nursery, there are enormous challenges. Not only do they have to learn so many new things formally, but there is all the learning that goes on in the playground. Making and breaking up with friends, finding new friends, and knowing what to do and how to handle it when things are not going well, are all necessary skills which no one really teaches you. Self- esteem can be very fragile, and having the resilience to bounce back after a set- back, or to keep trying even though it is difficult, or to get up when you have been knocked down, are big asks of all of us really, adults and children alike.

So what can you do to nurture your child’s self- esteem?

There is plenty of advice out there:

Make sure your child spends plenty of quality time with an adult who listens and cares

Give praise and encouragement, allows for mistakes to be made

Have reasonable expectations

Encourage independence

Teach problem-solving skills

Set your child up to succeed at least some of the time.

These tips are all very beneficial, but the importance of modeling healthy self-esteem so that your child can see it first hand is often not given enough emphasis.

You are a fundamental role model for your child. Children absorb so much from watching others. If they see a parent putting themselves down or brushing away praise or being very self- critical, that is likely to become the behavior that they adopt. If you do this frequently, you may be inadvertently ‘teaching’ your child that was thinking and speaking well of yourself is not a good thing to do.

So big yourself up instead. Talk about your successes, however big or small. Tell your children about proud moments and not so proud moments. If you have had a go at something, maybe been to a job interview, tried to learn something new, or do something you have found challenging, talk about what went well, and don’t focus on what did not go so well.

For example, instead of saying, ‘Some of the questions the interviewer asked were hard to understand. So, I kept having to ask him to repeat things. I felt like such an idiot,' Say something like, ‘There were a few questions I did not understand, but when that happened I asked the interviewer to repeat the question for me, and I gave the best answer I could give him.’

Another example is to say, ‘I thought singing would be easy, but now I realize my voice is rubbish. I must have sounded so croaky compared to the other people in the group,’ say: ‘Well that was more of a challenge than I thought it would be, but I’m going to go again, it will be fun to see if I can get the hang of it.’

This approach may be easy for some people, but it certainly doesn’t come naturally to everyone. As children, we are often taught not to boast or show off. Talking about ourselves always, and all the amazing things we have done can be a bit of a turn off to others. So there is a fine line here. There is a difference between someone who likes to show off all the time and give the impression that they are better than everyone else and someone who is quietly confident in themselves. If you pay someone with this trait a compliment, they will not shrug it off and say ‘Oh it was nothing,’ but will accept your approval and thank you for it.

If your child is finding something difficult think how it would feel to hear them say ‘It’s so hard, but I think I can work out a way to do it, I’m just going to keep trying.’

What is the genesis of the “can-do” attitude?

Some of it at least will be down to you, the parent.

Life is full of challenges and disappointments, and to be able to ride through the turbulent times and come out the other side without being swallowed up, is easier if you have good, strong healthy self -esteem and an intrinsic faith in yourself.

As adults, we’re pretty awesome at a lot of things. Truth, right? We handle lots of hard stuff like teaching, taking care of our homes, take care of our bodies, and find ways to manage finances. There is a lot to tackle.

Then there is this job called “parenting” that suddenly makes us feel inadequate.

At first, there is denial, then there is self-doubt, then anger…and so on…I suffered a lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

I felt like I was failing at the most important task in my life.

We love these kids of ours with a love so fierce and strong, and yet, half the time we shake our heads and wonder if we’re getting it all wrong and why this parenting gig is so darn hard???

Can you relate?

Raising these hilarious, amazing, often unpredictable humans is a mix of conflicting emotions that I never expected to experience.

I knew that I didn't want to spend my days feeling bad about myself and not being there for my kids (or my husband). I wanted to be present so how could I find my way back to parenting in a way that I wanted to and needed to?