CNN Says Nuclear Attack by North Korea Would Not Affect Whitney Houston Coverage

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—As North Korea ramped up its threats to attack South Korea, CNN reassured its viewers that a nuclear war on the Korean Peninsula would have “no effect whatsoever” on its Whitney Houston coverage.

“As viewers, you have come to trust us to deliver the news whenever it happens, wherever it happens, as long as that news is about Whitney Houston,” said Wolf Blitzer, host of the network’s “Situation Room” program. “We will never do anything to break that trust.”

As Mr. Blitzer spoke, twenty-three of “The Situation Room” ’s twenty-four video monitors featured images of Ms. Houston, with the twenty-fourth featuring an image of her ex, Bobby Brown.

The news from CNN sent a chill through the senior leadership of North Korea, who announced later today that it might postpone a nuclear war until later in the week, when the Whitney Houston coverage calms down.