All the things Dad might have taught me, had he chosen to live

By Ian Hunter

6 December 2018 — 4:00pm

I recently attended the funeral of a close friend’s father. My friend delivered the eulogy. He spoke about his father’s achievements on the sporting field. He spoke with pride of his father’s passion and commitment to teaching. And he spoke of a father who had taught him how to kick a torpedo punt, how to hit a sliced backhand and how to be a human being – to love, to help others, the value of work and how to pick yourself up when you fall.

Ian Hunter as a child with his dad.

My friend’s eulogy caused to me to reflect on my relationship with my father. My father committed suicide when I was 17. I had just done the HSC, as my eldest daughter is now doing.

My father wouldn’t have known a torpedo punt from a car punt but he did teach me to kick with both feet before deep depression and drunkenness became his default state (whiskey delivered by the box is not helpful).

In the same week as the funeral, the NSW government released its strategic framework for suicide prevention. The government should be commended, and I hope the actions it describes help to prevent people who are thinking of killing themselves from doing so.

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I also hope it helps the children of those who suicide. When I read of a suicide, Anthony Bourdain's for example, I immediately think of the children. Not with any anger. Suicide is inherently selfish but from personal experience I can understand that a sense of worthlessness so dominates that you may feel your children will be better off without you – that you are doing them a favour.

You aren’t. My father’s suicide caused me pain for many years. While my friend’s father was teaching him the wonders of life, my father’s message to me was that I was not worth hanging around for.

If there was any government-sponsored support available to me, I was oblivious to it. Most of the time I struggled to absorb or believe any message of support or hope – even from those to whom I was closest.

But friendship is something. In fact, to a young man it is almost everything. And I had a great friend. Who had a great father. So, thanks Des – I owe you one. And I hope my daughters give a eulogy at my funeral that is as moving as your son’s.

To any parent thinking of suicide, please try to escape the feeling that your children will be better off without you. They won’t be. They will miss you. They will be lost. There is help available and you should seek it. Maybe start with a friend.