Global Warming cures Hair Loss, says Me

Originally Posted on April 11, 2005Last Updated on April 13, 2011

Scientists say that this revolutionary new discovery will virtually eliminate all hair loss, including male pattern baldness.

“This is a relatively new discovery, so the affects may not be seen for a few more decades, but if the ozone layer continues to thin at its current rate, it is likely that we will never see a case of male pattern baldness again,” says scientist Jim P. Makanoiz, “you see, primarily all life on our planet will be sizzled up and without men to grow hair, well it will be increasingly difficult to lose it.”

Some astronauts, Jesus, and a few monkeys living on Mars are wondering how this new information will affect people outside of the Planet Earth, but Makanoiz had no comment. “All I’m saying is that if we keep coming up with funny names for webpages then this amazing discovery may never come to fruition.”

That’s an insult to freedom you rat fuckoff bastard. It’s symbols of truth and liberty like you that make us force our women to hold torches to the moon for perpetual eternity and that put a bad name to other beacons of American hope, like Abraham Lincoln, that big needle that represents George Washington, or a pyramid with an eye at the top of it.

Now fly, you dying breed bastard, fly back to the Nicolas Cage/Angelina Jolie movie you came from.