Two Black Eyes Podcast

Podcast Episodes

The team tackles the complexity of the American family and it's ultimate dissolution. A man does whatever it takes to see his kids after an ugly divorce, i.e., being a WOMAN! Then it's assault, attempted murder, and basically kidnapping. A hilarious romp!

May the Force be with you! You'll need it as Shelly and I take on the Star Wars series sans the rest of the group. One of us has seen all of the Star Wars movies and the other had seen none. Some has a lot of 'splainin' to do. It's me.

The group takes on one of the top grossing movies of all time. And one of us didn't even have to see it to make those dollars! Anyway, we talk about Wakanda, vibranium, and how a hugely successful movie only had one white person in it. Maybe that will convince studios to be more diverse in their movie production. Nope. It won't. But we can dream.
So strap in for the action adventure of the summer and for me to learn what it's even about. YEAH!!!!

The whole gang gets together to drink the holidays away while discussing the perennial classic, A Christmas Story. Being that we drank well before starting, many many other topics are discussed, but we do get those scenes in.
We're definitely going to need our mouths washed out with soap after this one. Ho ho ho. Don't shoot your eye out kids.

The gang watches their first Bollywood movie and LOVES IT! It's got romance, action, mystery, kung fu, everything! It's like 5 movies in 1. Listen in as we chat about the movie and improvise some comedy scenes based on what we saw.

Whoa! It's time to take the red pill or the blue pill improv fans. This episode we tackle the good, but at the same time confusing, sci-fi classic about recognizing the reality of the human condition. Oh, and a bunch of kung-fu camera panning action that makes your head explode.
Enter The Matrix!

A family is living in Africa for several months because of science? I think? Whatever, the two children find a cheetah cub whose mother was killed by poachers. Skip a few months and the kids are getting ready to go back to the U.S. and they are trying to figure out what to do with the cheetah that somehow hasn't eaten them all.
Long story short, some very questionably racist portrayals of ethnic people capture the animal to rig greyhound races. The kids skip their flight and travel the serengeti to get their friend back. I'm pretty sure everyone in this movie should be dead from any number of causes.

A woman inexplicably leaves her children for several months to dick around in Australia while some rando geriatric "takes care of them". Well, turns out some posters full of jugs and satanic references kills her, the money she was given is buried, and the family has to find a way to survive against all odds.
Come for the quotables, stay for the blatant sexual harassment by an . . . executive? Who knows. This movie is amazing. The dishes are done man.

The gang chats about their experience watching a movie in which an American girl takes the place of a famous Italian pop star even though she can't sing and doesn't have an Italian accent. Also there are cartoon vignettes for some reason. And her little brother is a full blown sex offender. You gotta hear it to believe it.

The gang chats about their experience watching a movie in which an American girl takes the place of a famous Italian pop star even though she can't sing and doesn't have an Italian accent. Also there are cartoon vignettes for some reason. And her little brother is a full blown sex offender. You gotta hear it to believe it.

Another seriously nostalgic selection featuring young Ethan Embry as a hoity toity boarding school snob who even his other rich kid chums. He's fastidious, condescending, and overconfident. His mom's boyfriend, Ed O'Neill, decided to pick him up for Thanksgiving to bond with him. Queue an hour an a half of an adolescent and grown man stubbornly torturing each other and having the world's most dangerous pissing contest committed to film.
Hilarity ensues. This is a MUST WATCH and the episode a MUST LISTEN! Get to it!

Tom Hanks stars in this hellish dystopian nightmare . . . wait they're just in the suburbs? Tom Hanks stars in the most accurate portrayal of living in the suburbs ever committed to film. Neighbors constantly watch each others' moves, talk behind everyones' backs, and care way too much about crap that is neither their business nor something anyone with anything better to do would even take a second glance at. Sorry, can you tell I live in a suburb?
Basically Tom Hanks lives the dream as his wife and kid leave on a separate vacation as he gets to screw off at his house and get into absurd shenanigans. Oh, and his neighbors are terrifying hillfolk who bury things in their yard at night. Part comedy, part horror, all entertaining. This is the movie that got Mr. Hanks out of Super Mario Bros. The Movie. He dodged a serious bullet. But that's for future discussions.
Enjoy!

Why wait? There are a few more practice sessions as bonus material, but here's our official improv4humans contest performance. In the wake of a water outage and near entire shutdown of Chapel Hill, NC, the Two Black Eyes Podcast powers through to give a stunning performance. This is the audio. Want the video too? Check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY0K-Og1Ykc&t=20s

We delve into a babysitting classic in what will be one of the greatest trilogies of all time. What trilogy? Stay tuned to find out in a few more episodes. Let's just say, it's the most charming trilogy ever made.
Oh yeah, the movie. Elizabeth Shue tries to rescue her friend from a bus station in Chicago in the 80s (you know it's fiction because she somehow survives more than half an hour). Hijinks ensue as the babysitter must take the children with her on a wild road trip through the city. And a super young, ripped Vincent Donofrio as Thor? What's happening?

This is our last practice before the improv4humans contest peformance at DSI Theater in Chapel Hill, NC. You can check out the live performance here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OY0K-Og1Ykc&t=12s
Not the usual format, but still . . . enjoy.

A fish out of water story involving a New York fish out of water in the Australian outback and an Australian fish out of water in New York City. Oh the hijinks!! Though somehow Crocodile Dundee fits in everywhere. And he's a liar and only wears a vest most of the time, which would make him the villain in almost any other movie or in real life. So many problems with this movie.

Another bonus episode and another random assortment of topics leading into ridiculous scenes. Sadly, the punchline is that I'm not classically handsome. Let the other members know you don't agree in the comments!!

There's a new movie featuring not one but two triple X's. That's XXXXXX!!!! So hardcore!!
We take you back to the beginning when there were only 3 X's. Have you ever thought, James Bond is too articulate and suave and Michael Bay's movies are too beholden to the laws of physics? Then this is the movie for you!! Almost none of it makes any sense and it's only barely believable than Left Behind. Action, adventure, sexy!! XXX!!!!

I'm going to apologize in advance for clearly buying into trailers that did not represent the movies they promoted accurately. Then we basically plug a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with the podcast. Oh, and there's a scene. Enjoy?

Happy New Year! In honor of the looming end of civilization as we know it. We present a movie only a hair crazier than the reality of Donald Trump being president and with hair only slightly less crazy than his. You've heard the mini-sode. You know there's more. So here it is.
The group discusses the entirety of this mortal sin of a movie. In a world with no base reality whatsoever, we overcome all obstacles to at least get out some scenes out. In hindsight, there was some truly hilarious stuff in this movie, like watching a preachy Birdemic. But I can't tell you to watch it. It's painful. You'll want to punch the screen. You'll wonder why Nicolas Cage's hair looks like a wig made of black cotton candy. You'll wonder why I thought watching this movie was a good idea. It wasn't.

This is a true classic straight from the childhood of at least two of the members of Two Black Eyes. This movie features career-defining performances from Joshua from Friends, Lea Thompson (remember her from last episode), Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds, Leaf Phoenix (wait, Joaquin Phoenix?), and Tom Skerritt. In a movie only the 80s can bring us, several adolescents, a child, and one adult woman get sent to space on accident, facing countless obstacles along the way including unrealistic expectations of a high school student, impossible physics, and absurd portrayals of AI.
Needless to say, this movie is a must-watch because it's entertaining as hell and available in its entirety on YouTube. That's how great it is. The whole movie is available to watch for free in 20 minute increments and no one gives half a crap to make them take it down.

In this intrepid bonus episode, the groups discusses non-traditional meat choices in America, slippery slopes, and solidarity. Shockingly, the majority of our group hasn't had horse meat and the minority . . . er . . . not majority, apparently have. The rest is both self explanatory and equally offensive. The scene isn't though? That's a small victory.

The group discusses the interesting relationship between a senior and a senior?? By that we mean really old man and high school student. If you don't know what Back to the Future is, welcome to our planet intergalactic traveler. Quick summary, Marty McFly goes back to the 1950s in a time machine built by his inventor friend/mentor Doc Brown. He messes up the timeline and risks his own erasure from the universe.
Also, a LOT of questionable concepts and decisions are made in this film that never really seemed weird as a kid. But as an adult, this movie seems more like something you would think you need to use incognito mode to Google.