Forbidden Feelings Ch. 01-02

I don't know why my stories dissappeared from the site, so I will try to repost them again, one or two chapters at a time. I know you may have read them aleady, but I have done a lot of editing since I last posted. Positive and negative feedback always welcome. Enjoy.

I

It was a warm Sunday afternoon in the beginning of September. The leaves had just begun to change and the trees were vibrant with color. The sound of lawn-mowers and the scent of freshly-cut grass filled the air. My husband, Gabriel, and I were outside planting bulbs, tulips and daffodils, that we hoped would bloom in the spring. Our neighbors busied themselves with the chores that accompany a suburban lifestyle.

Gabriel and I were almost done with the bulbs when we heard two small children behind us. We looked up and saw that our next-door neighbors' kids had come out to play on their swing set. Travis, their father, turned off his lawn mower and began to push three-year-old Samuel on the swings. The girl, Madison, insisted she was old enough to swing on her own; a "big girl" at five.

When Gabriel and I had finished planting, we stood up. Travis waved to us and started walking over. We met him halfway so he wouldn't have to stray too far from his young children. We went through the standard suburbanite greeting routine, and then started talking about the big football game last Sunday; we couldn't believe how our Cleveland Browns, upset the undefeated New York Giants. We also talked about the cold weather that was headed our way and the rain that was in the forecast for the next couple nights.

Travis mentioned his annual neighborhood party coming up this Saturday and invited us to stop over.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Travis's wife, Leah, walk out the sliding glass door from their dining room and head toward our impromptu gathering. As soon as I saw her, my heart skipped a beat. I'd always thought Leah was one of the most gorgeous women in the world. She had the "girl-next-door" look, that I found very attractive. I was in heaven anytime she was around, though, to my disappointment, we weren't close friends.

As she walked over, I thought about just how striking of a housewife she was, and compared her to my average body. Leah was about two inches shorter than me and about twenty pounds lighter. My brown hair fell just below my shoulder blades, while her blonde hair rested on the top of her shoulders. Both of our eyes were blue, although hers were much deeper than mine. Leah's birthday had just hit a few weeks ago, making her thirty-two. I was seven years her junior.

As soon as she reached us, we started up the welcoming formalities and small talk again. When that was complete, Leah asked if I had a few minutes. "Of course," I responded.

Leah motioned for me to follow her back into the house after asking her husband to please make sure to keep an eye on the kids. I followed Leah as Travis and Gabriel walked back over to Samuel and Madison. As I left to follow Leah, I heard the two men start talking about ways to keep their grass green over the winter as they pushed the kids on the swings.

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Gabriel and I had bought our house nearly three years ago, about six months after we got married. Our three-bedroom, two-bathroom split level was located outside of Akron, Ohio, about forty-five minutes southeast of Cleveland. Gabriel worked thirty minutes to the west of our house, while I made the trek to downtown Cleveland and back every day. We could have moved further north, but both of us loved where we lived. All of our neighbors were extremely friendly, and small group of us did try to get together every so often, despite not always managing to do so. It went unspoken, though, that the whole neighborhood was there for each other; a very safe and inviting place in which to live. Gabe and I couldn't wait to have kids of our own and raise them here. We had no plans to move, especially not anytime soon.

This was good, because I would really miss seeing Leah around if we ever did move. I don't exactly remember when I first realized that I was interested in Leah in this way. I didn't remember having these types of feelings for other women before. Yeah, there were women I found attractive, but Leah...she just completely changed my way of thinking.

From the first moment I met her, the day Gabriel and I moved into our house, I knew she was a special woman. Travis and Leah came over to introduce themselves and the kids, back when Samuel was still a tiny infant. However, although I found her to be an extremely attractive woman, I don't remember giving any thought to wanting to be with her at the time.

It wasn't until a few months back that I really yearned to spend time with Leah, and I began to think and thus dream of her constantly. It was right after I spent an afternoon with her and the kids in her front yard playing kickball because Travis was on a business trip and they needed a fourth player. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it; was it the fact I spent a few hours with her? Or the fact that I saw the unending love she displays for her children. All I know is after that I wanted to be the one to take care of her and support her, Madison, and Samuel. Unfortunately, I also knew there wasn't a chance it would ever happen.

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As I followed Leah back into her house, I had a gut feeling something was wrong. Leah and I had known each other since Gabriel and I had moved to the neighborhood, and she was often in my dreams, but I knew it was not a mutual feeling: I was attracted to her, but knew the feelings weren't reciprocal. Leah just didn't seem like the type that would ever consider being with another woman. We hung out every so often, but usually only when we were with Travis and Gabriel. About once every two or three months, our families got together with another couple in the neighborhood at one of our houses for dinner, drinks and a movie. We also talked when we saw each other outside; once in a while I'd come over to play with the kids and her, but I never got any inkling that she liked me as more than just a neighbor.

Leah walked into the kitchen toward the sink. She stood with her back to me, hands on the counter. I leaned against the opposite counter, my hands resting behind me. I stood in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes.

I could hear Leah start to sniffle as if she was about to cry, so I moved toward the sink and leaned against the counter next to her, but I didn't look at her. Not that I didn't want to; I was just worried about making her self-conscious with my gaze.

"What's going on, Leah?" I finally asked.

"I'm sick of this," Leah replied, not looking at me. "I'm sick of living a lie."

"I'm sorry?" I responded. I was very confused.

What lie was Leah living? She and Travis were the epitome of the ideal American family everyone wants: married, two kids, a nice house in suburbia, USA.

When Leah didn't answer me, I looked up at her and noticed that she was staring out the kitchen window. I followed her gaze outside and saw Gabriel pushing Leah's kids on the swings. I couldn't see Travis from where I was standing.

"Can you do me a favor?" Leah asked as she turned to look at me, her eyes watery and red.

"Of course," I said sincerely, placing my hand on her upper arm. "Anything you want."

She walked over to the dining room buffet to her purse and dug through it. After pulling out her wallet, she grabbed a twenty and handed it to me.

"Can you please get Travis to take the kids somewhere? I want to talk to you but I don't want anyone coming in and overhearing anything."

"Sure," I responded. As I reached for the money, our hands brushed, causing my stomach to do a small flip.

I left Leah, still red-eyed, in the kitchen as I walked outside toward Gabriel who was still pushing Samuel on the swing. From look on Gabriel's face, as Samuel yelled "Higher! Higher!" I knew that my husband was going to make a great father someday. I turned and saw Travis cleaning out his pond filter, while Madison played in her sandbox.

"Hey Sweetie, here's some money from Leah," I said to Gabriel once I made my way over. My tone was low enough so Samuel couldn't hear me as I handed Gabe the money. "Take Travis and the kids out for some ice cream or something. Leah really needs some time to herself right now."

"Alright, maybe we'll head to a playground too," he replied as he nodded. He put his hand over mine and gave a tender squeeze before taking the money.

"Thanks Gabe. I love you."

I gave my husband a quick peck on the lips and headed back inside to Leah as Gabriel walked toward Travis and the pond.

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When I got back inside, I walked into the kitchen. I couldn't find Leah, so I headed into the living room, hoping to find her. As luck would have it, she was there, sitting on the couch, with her feet up on the seat, leaning against the arm rest. When she heard me come in, she glanced up. I leaned against the doorway from the kitchen, and looked back at her. She was beautiful. From color in her cheeks to the way the light played upon her face...it made me wish sometimes...ah, but those were useless wishes. Outside a car door shut and the engine turned over. We both glanced out the front window and saw Travis's car back out of the driveway.

"I hope you don't mind, but I got Gabriel to take Travis and the kids for some ice cream. I know it's before dinner, but I couldn't think of anything else."

"No, that's okay. Thank you," Leah said softly before lowering her eyes to the floor.

I also looked at the floor as I waited for her to speak. I didn't want to rush her. I knew she'd tell me what was bothering her when she was ready. After another few minutes of silence, Leah spoke.

"As I said, Calie, I'm tired of living a lie. I know we aren't close, but I really wish we could be. What I have to tell you, it may be hard to hear, but I have to get it off my chest. I can't talk to anyone else about this."

The whole time she was talking her gaze remained locked on the floor in front of her.

"Leah..." I started as I moved closer to her and knelt down on the floor beside her. I put my hand on her upper arm, "Don't be afraid to tell me anything. I know we don't hang out that much, but I consider you a friend. I'm here for you."

Leah continued to look down at the floor. More silence filled the room.

Her statement stopped my thoughts dead in their tracks. That was the last thing on earth I thought she would say. Beautiful? I could see myself as pretty, maybe, depending on the day. I mean, I wouldn't say I was unattractive. Average? Sure. Pretty? Maybe. Beautiful? No.

I got up off the floor and sat down on the couch next to her. I put my head in my hands as I looked down at the floor. I was extremely confused. Was she coming on to me? Should I tell her how I felt about her? What exactly did she want me to say?

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to make you upset."

"No, Leah," I responded, my voice quaking. I wanted her to realize how much she meant to me. Although I was scared to make the first move, not knowing how she would take it, I took my hands off my face, and placed one of them on her knee; it was really more of a calming gesture. I leaned back on the couch, my hand still on her knee, and looked at the wall across from me. "I am totally the opposite of upset."

She changed positions on the couch so she was facing me, putting her closer to my body. I wanted to open up and tell her my feelings for her, but I couldn't. I was too scared. So, I put my hands in my pockets, and my right hand started playing with my cell phone. Whenever I get flustered, or put into uncomfortable situations, I need something to keep my hands busy. I couldn't bring myself to look at Leah. I just kept taking my phone out of my pocket and putting it back in again.

After a few moments of repetitive movements, the phone slipped out of my hand and fell in between the couch cushions, between Leah and me. I leaned down to get it. Once I grabbed it, I didn't move. I couldn't move. I couldn't even raise my eyes; my body was so close to hers. I just stared at the cushions. I felt Leah watching me, moving closer to me. I could hear her breathing. I was frozen in place. I knew I really wanted to kiss her. Would I be able to get away with it? I wanted to let her know how much I cared about her. I wanted to feel her soft lips on mine, but I couldn't get up enough courage to allow myself to do it. I didn't want to hurt her. My face grew warm; I felt as if she must have known the thoughts in my head.

As if to prove me right, Leah put her hand under my chin and slowly lifted my head. She gently placed her lips on mine. Her tongue traced the space between my lips as if asking to gain admittance. My lips soon parted and I felt her tongue enter my mouth. That was the only invitation I needed. I placed my right hand on her face, my thumb rubbing her cheek, and my fingers pulling her head closer to me. My tongue was now the explorer in her mouth. I had dreamed of this moment for weeks, even months.

Opposing thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to concentrate on the moment. Some thoughts told me to pull away because we were both married and this was wrong. Some told me to keep kissing back because I really wanted it. She rested her left hand against my right on her face, and my fingers opened to hold hers in between mine.

I had been curious for some time about what it would be like to kiss another woman. Gabriel and I had joked about these feelings of mine before. At least he thought I was joking, but I'd never done anything like this. Even if I'd wanted to kiss a woman, and Leah topped my list, I was reluctant; afraid of hurting someone or getting hurt myself. I never would've believed that the woman of my dreams, the most gorgeous woman I'd ever met, both inside and out, would ever kiss me. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her back. My left hand wrapped around her body to hold her against me.

Finally Leah pulled her lips off of mine, but I kept her head close with my hand still on her face, so that our foreheads touched lightly. She never took her fingers from my hand.

"Do I owe you an apology?" Leah shyly whispered. Neither one of us could bring ourselves to look each other in the eyes.

"For what?" I responded breathlessly. I wanted her lips back on mine. I wanted to taste her again.

"For what I just did," Leah answered, sounding apologetic.

"No. Not at all, Leah," I said. I moved my head away from hers and looked at her. She still couldn't look at me, so I took my hand off of her face, and placed it under her chin. I tilted her head up, so I could look into her beautiful blue eyes and to make her look into mine. "I mean that. Don't ever feel like you have to apologize. You did nothing wrong."

I paused for a minute to let my words soak in.

"Is this what you were afraid to tell me?" Leah nodded. I could tell she wanted to look away, that she was embarrassed by her actions.

"How did this all come about?" I asked as curiosity got the best of me.

"I don't know, Calie," Leah began as she shook her head, "I really don't. All I know is the past few weeks I have dreamt about you and I have woken up in a different mood than usual. I just feel like I have more pep in the mornings and my day goes by much faster when I think of you."

The sparkle in her eyes twinkled as she answered my question.

"The way you treated my kids during that game of kickball we played, it was just like wow! I know you don't have kids, but you treated them so special. Always, 'nice kick' or 'great throw.' I saw that acceptance you have for them, and I started looking at you in a different light."

"I'm sure anyone would treat kids like that. I mean, I didn't think it was anything special," I responded.

"No Calie," Leah replied, "I mean maybe most people would, you're right. But when Travis plays, sometimes he forgets he is playing with his own young kids, and ends up being more like a little league coach; 'get under that ball' or 'if you kept your eye on it, you would've caught it.' That's just the way he is."

"I'm sorry Leah, I didn't know" I said cautiously, "Is that the reason you asked me inside today?"

"I know it's wrong, trust me I do," Leah continued getting quieter, "but I've been dreaming of you, kissing you. I couldn't get it out of my head. I had to see what it was like. I needed to know if it was going to be as good in reality as it was in the dreams."

I looked as her without saying a word, and the glimmer in her eyes told me it was much better in real-life than in dreamland.

"Plus, I figured it would be easier to just do it, and then ask for forgiveness later," Leah added softly.

"It's easier to beg forgiveness than seek permission. I got it," I nodded and smiled at Leah, "you have nerve, and I like it."

"Don't worry, that used up my nerve quota for a while," Leah whispered.

"Well, I guess to ease the pressure off of you, I should admit some things too," I began, "I've been feeling the same way these last few weeks. I think that kickball game is what did it for both of us, because ever since then every time I saw you in the yard with your kids, or sitting on your deck, with your feet up on the railing. Leah, the way you look...all I can say is wow! You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

"How can I be beautiful, Calie? I'm fat. I never lost the baby weight from Samuel. Travis barely even comes near me anymore." She let her eyes wander back down toward the ground. It seemed as if after all the honesty we both showed, she was still trying to make excuses for why I shouldn't have kissed her back.

"First of all, you're not fat." I interjected, rubbing her face with my hands. I brushed her shoulder-length blonde hair away from her perfect face with my fingertips, then brought her eyes back up to meet mine.

"Leah, you're the girl of my dreams, and always will be. If you're that sexually frustrated, all you have to do is let me know," I told her as I held her face in my hands.

I winked at her, and she couldn't help but force a smile, though it was a really small smile, that disappeared right away. I'm sure this was hard on her. I always viewed her as a conservative woman due to her soft-spoken, traditional nature whenever we spoke or hung out.

I wasn't sure where all of my courage was coming from; in fact, I didn't want to think about it. It was like as soon as Leah kissed me, everything I've wanted for months was presented to me. I was so scared that I may lose this opportunity to be with Leah, but at the same time, I really needed to know if it was ever going to be a two-way attraction.

"Listen Leah," I stated, with honest sincerity, stroking her face with my hand. "I want you to make sure this is what you really want. I don't want you to end up regretting anything that may happen. Once we get going, I don't know if I'll be able to control myself, or be able to stop. I want you so badly, but I really want to make sure that this is also what you want. I have a day off tomorrow and I have no plans. Think about this overnight. If you want to go further than just that one, amazing kiss, I will be more than happy to oblige. However, if you just want to be friends and never find out what could have been, I'll respect your wishes."

"Calie, thank you for understanding," she whispered as she lowered her eyes from mine. "I'll call you tomorrow either way. A sick day sort-of sounds good anyway. "

I gave her one last, long hug and placed my right hand behind her head to bring her forehead to my lips. I let my lips linger there before bringing them down to her ear.

"All you have to do is ask," I whispered. "If you ask, I will say yes".