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Friday, 18 April 2008

SCHOOL

Ok, what is it that I do to myself that fucks up my experience of school. What do I dislike? What do I expect?

What is it that I actually do during school/schooldays?..

I wake up and the first thing I think of is school. Then I immediately push the snooze button of my alarm clock – stating: I don’t want to wake up – I don’t want to go to school.

And this is mainly when the shit starts to happen.In my head I keep repeating scenes from the day before, I imagine what the day will be like, how I don’t want to go/be there etc.I imagine myself sitting in class, being nervous, being anxious, just waiting to go home.

In the morning I’m waiting and preparing myself to the point where I leave and take the train. So basically my morning consist of waiting and rushing. Once I’m at the point where I get on my train, that’s already when I start wait, waiting to go home.

I check my cell phone from time to time to see how much time has already been passed (yes, pretty useless I know, doesn’t help me one bit). I talk shit to my friends so I can keep myself busy in and as my mind so that I’m not actually aware of what I’m doing, so I don’t have to take self responsibility and later on blame school for my dishonesty.

During class I talk some more shit, fill in the games in the free newspaper, keep myself busy, not being here, just want to go home…

When the bell goes for our noon break I go “oh shit”. I look for people to talk and eat with. I’m afraid there will be awkward silences and then I (word I cant read lol) going “ Quick! Quick! I need to find something to talk about!!”. Then we talk some more shit and I feel bad for being dishonest.

Then more class, more shit talk, school ends, I rush to station. I hope my friend will be there so I have someone to talk to, hope the friends I don’t want to see , are going to miss the train.If my friend is there I talk shit, if my friend isn’t there I smoke and breathe.If the ones are there that I don’t want to see I force myself to talk to them and talk huge crap.

I get in train, I wait, I get off train I rush home. I go on computer, check forum, eat, computer, schoolwork (if there is any), chat, SF, write, dad gets angry I go to sleep.

So by the time I go to bed I’m being pissed at my dad, pissed at me and pissed at school (current day and day to come). I fall asleep and the loopie loop starts over.

Obviously this isn’t working for me, I don’t feel “good” doing this, this just can’t go on. It has to stop.

I will

I do not accept and allow myself to go to sleep angry, pissed, still busy worrying about my day and the day to come.

When I go to sleep, I let go, I release myself from the day, I wake up after 6 hours.

I wake up, I take a deep breath. I am clear. I listen to the sound of my alarm clock instead of getting irritated and bashing it off.I do not accept and allow myself to push the snooze button. I put the alarm off. I am here, I get up and get out of bed at once. No lingering, no falling asleep again. Awake.

I do not accept and allow myself to be raped by thoughts, not in the morning, not ever.

I wake up, I am here, I am stable.I take my clothes and go downstairs. No thoughts, no emotions, no reaction, just here, self , present, me moving down the stairs.

I put my clothes in the bathroom. I make the table and eat my meal. I eat my meal with awareness. I am here, I eat, one and equal to food. I enjoy eating my food. I drink my coffee, I enjoy my coffee.

I make my bag for school, make sure I have everything I need for the day. I prepare my meal to take with me for at noon, so I don’t have to spend money on food.

I wash myself, I experience me with the water, as the water, movement, touch.I dry myself with the towel. Awareness, movement, the touch of the towel against my skin. Nice and slowly.

I put my clothes on, nice and slow. I do not accept and allow myself to rush. I put on my contacts, make sure they are clean. I check time, no rush. I do what I have to do. I got more time? cool! I have to leave right away? also cool!

I do not accept and allow any sort of assumptions or expectations about my day. When a reaction, emotion, thought, feeling comes up, I stop. I apply myself as self forgiveness.Breath in, understand, breath out let go. UNCONDITIONALLY, for meeeeeeeeeeeee.

I make sure I leave on time, no rushing. I walk to the station. I am here, I direct me, I’m with my feet, step by step, I move, here.

I do not accept and allow myself to participate in my mind while walking to the station. Yes, I know it is tempting, but I fucking will not allow that. I am here, I am stable.

I sit. I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the train. The train will come when he comes. I am here, thus there is no waiting. I do not accept and allow myself to talk unnecessary shit to W. I breathe.

I do not accept and allow myself to complain about school, about the weather, work tiredness and all that shit. I am responsible for my own experience, I direct me.

I get off train. I am here. Slowly, no rush.I go to school, here , movement, step by step.I do not accept and allow myself to resist going to school. Resisting school is resisting me. It’s bullshit. I face me.

I am at school.

I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the classes to start. I am here. I don’t talk unnecessary bullshit to anyone.

I go to class, no reactions, no resistance, just me. I am present in class. I write, I am here as my pen as my paper, I experience myself as writing. I do not judge what I write. I am here with breath. I listen to what is being said. I do not accept and allow myself to let myself be distracted by anything or anyone. I am here.

I do not accept and allow myself to participate in mind conversations or any other mind like conversation for that matter.I do not accept and allow self dishonesty.I do not accept and allow myself to read the paper, fill in the games or do anything that will keep me busy, keep me from being here, keep me from being breath. I take self responsibility, I face myself in every moment.I remain stable as the breath. I do not get bored. I do not accept and allow myself to be bored. Boredom is of the mind. I am not my mind. I am beyond the mind. I am here, stable breath. Regardless what time, with who, where, whatever class, teacher.

I do not accept and allow myself to participate in my mind during the breaks. It’s not a break from self honesty. I remain here, I remain stable. No excuses.I do not accept and allow myself to talk shit with my “friends”, trying to be accepted, being nice, trying to hide from my self responsibility.I do not accept and allow myself to (try) come up with stuff to say so that there won’t be any awkward silences. I do not accept and allow shit from me. I direct me, I trust myself that I know what to do.I do not accept and allow myself to fear being alone. I am comfortable with being al one.I enjoy me.

I do not accept and allow myself to wait for the point where I can go home. I am here, I direct me, there is no waiting.I do not accept and allow myself to rush to the station.I do not accept and allow myself to rush for my train.I do not accept and allow myself to worry about “missing” my train.I do not accept and allow myself to worry about who will be there or won’t be there. I do not accept and allow myself to rush home.

I am here, with the walking, with my feet, with breath.I do not accept and allow myself to look forward going on the chat.I do not accept and allow myself to look forward to ANYTHING or ANYONE. I am here, I don’t need anything or anyone to “make me feel better”.

I do not accept and allow myself to wait for stuff to happen, for things to change.I direct me, I take self responsibility, I face me in every moment of breath.I do not accept and allow myself to be controlled and influenced by my parents.I direct me. I am here.I do not accept and allow myself to see home as a hideaway as an escape. I face me.I do not accept and allow anything less then who I am as life as all as one as equal.

I do not accept and allow myself to postpone my homework. I do what needs to be done. I do not accept and allow myself to resist making my homework. I play the schoolgame till I’m out.

I do not accept and allow myself to postpone writing and self forgiveness. I direct me, here in the moment of breath.

I do not accept and allow myself to worry about my day or the day to come.I do not accept and allow myself to go to bed, still worrying about my dad.

I go to bed, I breathe, I let go, I release, I die.

I wake up, I am born.

I have a day full of opportunities and chances for me to face me. For me to work with me. For me to enjoy me.