Men in hiding

THOUSANDS of men left for work at 5am this morning to avoid being proposed at.

Scaring men shitless: More enjoyable than a pair of orgasms

Tradition dictates that on 29 February women are allowed under the ancient rites of common law to corner their partner and force him to stop fucking about.

Historians date the practice back to AD 61 when Queen Boudica told her boyfriend she would not lead a single Iceni to revolt until he explained why he never left any tunics or even a toothbrush round at her place.

Carlisle office manager Nikki Hollis said: “I’m actually on the brink of breaking up with my partner for a number of compatibility, emotional and cock-related reasons but I bought a ten quid Argos ring just to see the look of horror on his face this morning.

“Having the bedroom window reglazed is going to cost two hundred quid but it was totally worth it to watch his pale, flabby arse flying out of it.”

Offices were opened first thing by security guards who are perfectly happy the way things are without having to complicate matters and productivity has soared as male staff get on with their jobs rather than risk seeing an email entitled ‘A Very Special Question’.

Tom Logan, a call centre unit from Sunderland, said: “Like most men I’ll instantly answer ‘yes’ to anything that avoids sobbing, a conversation or being called a prick by somebody’s mother.

“Therefore I have eaten the sim card from my phone, I’ve made a nest under my desk out of printer paper and I’m wearing a camouflage onesie.

“I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of needing to give a monkey’s fuck about floral arrangements.”