11.30.2009

Upon further review, I think the men’s sales are actually better than the women's! You guys catch all the breaks. But we get to wear make up and pretty dresses, so I guess that makes us even. Guys, here are some links for you...

If you have any money left over after Black Friday, retailers are back to claim what’s left of your paycheck. That’s right, they have found yet another way to suck in the huddled masses…give it up for CYBER MONDAY! Apparently they coined the phrase Cyber Monday (the Monday immediately following black Friday) approx. 4 or 5 years ago. I guess I have had my head up my @$$ because I was totally unaware of this phenomenon. Better late than never I suppose. Critics have scoffed at Cyber Monday,claiming they’ve seen no unusually high traffic on sites on any one day of the holiday shopping season. However, I think it’s marketing genius! Any time shoppers perceive any additional savings, they will purchase. If you discount it, they will come! All the people who were too full from Thanksgiving (me), too lazy to fight the crowds (me), and just plain over the hype (me again), can now reenact black Friday with the click of a mouse.

I vowed to do my part to stimulate the economy…so here are some Cyber Monday sales for you good folks:

11.28.2009

The white ladies at work sometimes stop and stare in amazement. The bold ones will walk over and ask. Why aren’t you married? After a moment I compose myself. But not before they fire off a few more. When are you getting married? How long have you been dating him? Oh, I bet you will get a ring for Christmas. You think so? *deep sigh*. That’s when I have to break it down for the white women. Three reasons why I do so…one because I know they don’t get it…two because they need to know that it’s hard out here for a pimp (pimp = sistah in this scenario)…and three, nothing sends a white person running like a good conversation about cultural differences. I keed, I keed.

But I have told almost every white woman who has asked, the haps on why they probably know at least 5 drop dead gorgeous, educated, sweet, funny, SINGLE black females. I start with the stats. White people like a good # to take back to the other white folks who may be wondering the same. Okay, you have a pool of black men. *drools*…wait…let’s get back on track...let me clarify this is a dating pool, not swimming pool. But, before you get to your dating pool, you have to look at black men as a whole. There are two categories black men can fall into…eligible bachelors and girl please, not even if he was the last brother on earth. Well, honestly sometimes these categories get meshed and you end up thinking a girl please man is an eligible bachelor. But we do not have enough time or space to go into that right now. I like to jump straight into it for the white girls…so I usually open with this…”so, you have a large portion of black men who are in jail”. Don’t be mad black people...you know it’s true. I just keep it real with the white girls. Now, unless you were involved before they were incarcerated and you are going to wait this thing out, my guess is these dudes typically fall in the latter of the two groups. However, there is generally no need for explanation after the white women hear “jail”. Most of the time, they nod sympathetically. Next I say, “Then you have the openly gay men”. I say openly gay cause there is another group of “gay man”…that’s when I tell them about the DL – aka dudes we think are suspect. Some of them are already well versed on “the DL” thanks to Oprah. But some are hearing this for the first time. When mulling over the probability of a man being on the DL, ladies have to be fair. I know some sisters who think every man she meets is gay. Ladies…just because a man likes a nice manicure every once in a while does not mean he is gay. Or does it? *side eyes dude next to me*. But we all have that one friend who thinks every man is gay. Mine is Faith. Faith has outed more men than E. Lynn Harris. Faith every man ain’t gay! Then you have those women who have no gaydar whatsoever. These ladies proudly date suspect men, with no clue as to the fact that he is more interested in her handbag collection, than in her pocketbook. Sister your man is reading O magazine and watching Lifetime…while the game is on. He’s gay. Let your brother have him.

So, once you remove the black men who are in jail, in love with men, and in the closet out of your dating pool…things are beginning to thin out significantly. Then you have to go ahead and weed out those who spend most of their time weeded out. *sprays Oust and rolls eyes*. I don’t put it out there so bluntly with the white women. I tell them something like, “then you have the group of men who aren’t really doing anything with themselves, who aren’t really on your level”. They usually like that one…because they can relate. Our ghetto = their trailer park. White people think they can take any ghetto scenario and aptly apply it to the trailer park community. True or not, they usually need no explanation for this group of men. Regardless of race, all women have a group they would not consider dating. Now some ladies lists can get a bit silly and oddly specific, but for the most part we want a fella who has a job, a car, half a brain, an actual personality, the ability to have an intellectual conversation, knows proper etiquette just in case he ever needs to use it, etc. Plainly, there is a group of men sistah’s would prefer not to date. Y’all know that group and y’all know why.

I explain to the white women, once you remove these groups you have a very small pool of men to pick from. But this is not the problem. The problem is on the flip side. Black men have a VERY large group of black women to choose from. And honey, these women are bad (I explain that this is one of those instances where bad means good). Since there is an influx of eligible black women to choose from, black men typically don’t have to choose at all. Let’s say you happened upon an awesome shoe sale. Why pick one pair, when you can have three? If all three pair feel good and look good…most would chose to take all three home…and wear them at different times. This is typically what black men do. I know you brothers are mad because I am making generalizations…but I am talking rules…not exceptions. And sisters don't even trip. Cause you all know 1st hand what I mean. Now, I know there are some damn good brothers out there…but a lot of you are already married. Oh, heck that’s another category. I never thought to share that one with the white women…married men who date. *room goes quiet*. Yeah, y’all know there are some out there. But since I never considered them, I don’t want to start improvising here. In conclusion, you have about 7 eligible sistahs for every 3 eligible bruthas. So, they can take all the time they want in manning up and picking their wives. So no, I am not getting that ring for Christmas…but thanks for asking Becky!

FYI: Sense of humor required. This is a satirical look at dating choices for today's African American woman, however I am aware that these scenarios may apply to any woman regardless of race.

11.21.2009

I'd taken a brief haitus from the blog scene. In all honesty, I've been engrossed in Twitter. But after a conversation I had in the wee hours of the morning, I've been inspired to write again! New post coming as soon as I can get to my laptop!

11.08.2009

Verse 1
Chris Brown and Rihanna have had the displeasure of having a very private situation play out in a very public forum. Most of us have the luxury of going through our embarrassing, regretful, shame-inducing situations behind closed doors. If we were honest with ourselves, we would admit there’s at least one thing about us, that happened to us, or that we’ve done…that we’d never want anyone else to know. Now picture the world knowing that one thing. What if every detail was dissected, discussed, and displayed as headline news? How would you feel? Now picture yourself being only 19 years old. How would you feel then? Probably mortified. See, privacy affords us the opportunity to make mistakes and bad decisions without the world standing in judgment. No matter who started it, who finished it, who was the victim and who the assailant, this was a tragic moment in the lives of BOTH Rihanna and Chris Brown.

Hook
I will never condone domestic violence. Ever. Critics say the women who defend Chris Brown have probably been beaten many times themselves. I disagree. I think the women who have defended him have never had a man put his hands around their necks, never watched their mothers scream out in fear and pain. These women need to think about their mothers, sisters, best friends, and finally - their daughters...showing up at their doorsteps looking the way Rihanna looked that night. There would be no excuse, no reason, no explanation good enough to justify that face, those tears, those scars....inside and out that may never heal. As someone who has admittedly struck a lover, I will say that no one - regardless of gender, should put their hands on someone they are in a relationship with. I can’t erase the look of shock and disappointment that followed the blow I delivered. Even though I have 101 viable reasons why I reacted that way, not one of them makes it right. Not one. Takes a lot to admit you were wrong…without adding a but at the end of it.

Bridge
I do not believe Chris when he says he blacked out and doesn't remember doing this to her. I do not believe Rihanna when she says she did not hit him first or at all. But, amidst the public's accusations of lies, one thing remains true...there are only two people in this world who really know what happened in the car that night. We were not there. We do not know who threw the first punch, although we think we know who threw the last. We do not know the details that led to that night, details with roots extending much deeper than a single text. We do not know the depth of the love, that quickly turned to rage. None of us experienced the joy of their good times, to truly know the despair of their bad. For two years we knew no more than what one could piece together through photos and public appearances. Yet and still…we judge them, as if we have the right. Myself included.

Outro
Before that night, I (like many) was a Rihanna and Chris Brown fan. Today, I am a bigger fan of hers, but this rang true before that night. Rihanna’s outward scars have healed and hopefully the inward scars will fade with time. She was at the pinnacle of her career when this happened and I am confident things will only get better. My hope for her at the end of the day when it all goes away, is that she is truly happy without Chris in her life. Truly happy, without your best friend and best lover, is no small feat. I am not a fan in the same manner as I used to be in regards to Chris. Today, I am someone who doesn't want to see Chris sing a beautiful song, perform a flawless routine, go triple platinum, or flash that million dollar smile. I am a someone who wants to see a young man who made the mistake of a lifetime, rebound to the best of his ability. I want to see him somehow right this wrong. Erase the scarlet letter that now sits on his chest. I want to see him bounce. Rihanna said it best, Chris should not make excuses for himself, but accept what he did. I throw virtual jabs at Chris who has become an easy target lately and I semi-Stan over Rhi...but at the end of the day these larger than life personalities are real people. Our entertainment, dinner table dish, water cooler convo, fireside chats, tweets, status updates, and blog posts are these people‘s real lives. They hurt, they embarrass, they love, they miss, they cry. And I believe BOTH Chris and Rihanna have done all of the above because of that night. And yes, I feel sorry for both of them. It may not be a popular opinion. But it is my humble opinion.

11.05.2009

Jay says "the truth needs no explanation", so I won't go in on how your lil synopsis of me as a bible-toting, warrior for all things sanctified who has no interest in fashion is off base. But I will politely go in on you. Hey, here's a noble concept: one can actually know what WWJD and WWD stands for. Let me come at you another way: Hoe sit down.

I "lost you" when you tuned in boo...you not being into religion, but a stout follower of the religion of fashion makes you exactly who I was talking about dear. That's why you were turned off. The beauty of this being my blog is you don't have to be here. I don't remember asking you to stop by anyway. The most hilarious part is there are no labels on this post, so you didn't happen upon it via Blogger. You passed up what were clearly more entertaining posts to dig up "What's That Ye, Baby These Heels" cause it's a lyric in a rap song. I'm thinking everything else was over your head. Did you see the one that said Blog Commenting for Dummies? May want to check it out.

Funniest part of all...the only place the link to my blog was recently posted was on Twitter. Guess there's a reason it's not known as "a place for friends". That's a throwback to Myspace. Keep up. You can catch a lot of diseases on the interwebs, so I only have protected tweets. This means you have to be following me to see that link. LMAO. And you thought enough of yourself to comment. That's what kills me softly. Girl - and I say girl cause you are clearly a female...don't nobody care what you think about my blog. But, keep following me honey...maybe something that ain't over your head will be discussed. I'll make sure to dumb down for ya.

Oh, I keeps it funky...so feel free to respond. I'm sure your an internet gangsta...full of font fights and such. I probably won't respond though. I already came down off my high horse to address you once. Carry on.

11.04.2009

Let's just jump right into it. Now, I’m sure it has come to Chris Brown's attention by now that he is the '09 Bobby Brown. The new n*gga ya love to hate. This illustrious title comes with the daunting task of having your every move criticized by Joe public. So, it would behoove Chris to be on his Ps and Qs at all times. Yet, somehow he has managed to completely ignore his current social standing and release what has to be the most pitiful album cover since...well, since some intern at No Limit Records got a hold of Adobe Photoshop.

I do not have the bandwidth to go over every detail of what is wrong this cover. But, I would like to highlight a few items. Chris' cover includes a guitar, Ponte’ pants, Dr. Martens, and a posse of cartoon goblins. Chris you don't play the guitar, so why do you have one in your photo? You are not in a 90s Seattle garage band, so why the Docs? You are not a girl last I checked, so why the tights? And guess what, you can hang that kid shyt up, so lose the cartoon characters. And what does all of this mess mean anyway? None of it even matches Chris. You got ham no burger here. Continuity for the L. Oh, let's not forget the freaky robotic arm thingamajigy. What is it? Why? *blank stare* I guess he was going for a whole edgy, futuristic theme with the planets, guitar, and the lil steel arm. *shrugs* Verdict is still out on the intended message. Until Chris further explains himself, we can only assume that he has lost his ever-loving mind. Chris...what happened?

I'd like to think one of two things took place before this thing went live. Chris, either this was your idea and no one around you cared enough about you to tell you it was stupid...or someone sold you on this nonsensical foolishness. I actually hope it was your brainchild. I'd hate to think that someone pitched this idea to you...and actually convinced you to do it. Now, your girl Rihanna has clearly got issues of her own with her new cover...but damn Chris. You left yourself wide open for this impending sh*tstorm of criticism. I almost feel like you did this on purpose. The old any publicity is good publicity routine. But, what are you going to tell your kids in 20 years when they look back at this monstrosity? Boy sit down. You acted simple on Larry King and now you release this idiocy? Are you trying to make a respectable comeback or not Chris? I guess the only thing that can save you now is the actual music itself. Maybe a couple dance moves won't hurt. We want to give you a chance to do right. But you’re making it so damn hard. I think your camp should rethink a few things here. Rework this and get back to us. We’ll be waiting….