So people have been asking for another dissertation on dating. I’ve got to tell you, I’m about the worst person to give dating advice ever. I think I’ve had every clichéd relationship you can think of. The first girl I ever dated I only went out with twice. We were together for a weekend; we broke up for a month. Oh, and did I mention I bit her tongue the first time we kissed? For that matter, did I mention that was my senior year of high school?

How about the girl I broke up with by telling her “Goodbye” when I dropped her off at the dorm right before summer break? I thought it was closure, she thought I was insane. There’s the time I told a girl I was seeing that I was still in love with her roommate; that went over pretty well. Another time, I was, for whatever reason, convinced I could actually date 3 friends all at the same time with no ramifications whatsoever.

And who could forget all the reasons I’ve been dropped. There was the girl I was seeing who invited me over for lunch so I could catch her with another man. There was the girl who told me she didn’t think God wanted us to be together. My personal favorite will probably always be the girl who didn’t want to ever see me again because… I honestly have no idea… none at all.

None at all, people. You’re asking for dating advice from a guy who’s actually been dumped for absolutely no reason as far as he’s concerned. That is the definition of clueless. So, you want wisdom from the world’s most incompetent dater, you get it.

Here’s the skinny, I’m gonna make this super simple. Women, give the guy every opportunity to make you feel beautiful, but don’t hold it against him if he doesn’t take advantage of those opportunities. It’s his prerogative to make you feel beautiful when and how he chooses. Do not, under any circumstances, look at your own reflection in front of him.

Guys, do everything in your power to give her an immersive experience. I’m not talking about drowning her, no matter how appealing that might sound. When she chooses to spend time with you she should have the opportunity to be “in” the moment, rather than looking “at” it. Don’t make her process and analyze, give her the opportunity to feel and experience. Do not, under any circumstances, look at your own reflection in front of her.

Ladies, reward him for behavior you enjoy. If he opens the door for you, and you like it, smile at him or brush his elbow. However, do not start a conversation about holding doors open and how you think the age of chivalry is gone or any of that nonsense. He needs to think you want to actually be with him, not the age of chivalry. Do not, under any circumstances, look at your own reflection in front of him.

Men, I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Wait for her. Wait for her to eat. Wait for her to walk. Wait for her. Wait for almost everything with the notable exception of talking. It turns out that she really is the most incredible woman on the planet, at least as long as you’re with her. Don’t believe me? Ask her. If you don’t think she’s the most incredible woman on the planet, you’re asking the wrong questions. Do not, under any circumstances, look at your own reflection in front of her.

Yeah, I know I’m making a big deal out of this whole reflection thing. Here’s the deal, the person you’re with gets to look at you whenever and however they want. They do, not you. They get to comment on your appearance, and you get to comment on theirs. If you don’t like it, leave or don’t bother going out in the first place. You’re not going to like it if they look at someone else, so let them look at you. Smile when they do, even if it’s an awkward uncomfortable smile; show them you’re happy to be worth their attention. Leave your hands in view when appropriate; lean forward so that your face is closer at times. Turn yourself so that they can see you from different angles. Yes it sounds like you’re modeling; you are, get over it.

Talk about each other. Don’t talk about other men or women. Don’t talk about men or women in general. Talk specifically about each other. Don’t talk about about each other together. “We” is a special word; protect it, cherish it, use it wisely. “We” is a commitment; even if it’s not forever, it’s still binding. Don’t call the other person “My Something-or-other.” You don’t possess them in any way until they say so. I assure you, eventually that time will come and it will be a natural extension of the relationship that you’ve built. But “we” and “my” are not to be used jokingly or haphazardly. Treat them as sacred and they will be.

Women, be seductive, but don’t seduce. Men, be charming, but not in an attempt to take what you haven’t been given. This isn’t about manipulation; it’s about feeling. Don’t analyze or process, just experience. But whatever you do, don’t look at your own reflection in front of them.

And it seems you forgot that we anti-dated, and anti-broke up, and I already devoted an entire posting to our anti-relationship.

While it wasn’t my longest, it certainly was my most healthy relationship, and at least I know why you anti-left me. In hindsight it’s somewhat surprising that “Never touch a woman’s face with raw egg on your hands” has never made it on any of my list of dating rules.

-Tiffany said on 2006-10-06

I can’t believe you forgot to mention the girl you never dated and who broke up with you : ) Thaaaaaaaanks. Sadly, that was my longest and most healthy relationship to date. Good times.

dmabry said on 2006-10-04

You have some observations here that I’ve not heard elsewhere, particularly the tactfulness of the word “we.” I’ve long felt that there is a science to the courting dynamic, and that I have a good feel for much of it. I believe you’ve added a few pages to the book.

I also appreciated the girlfriend anecdotes in the first couple of paragraphs. We all have our crazy relationship stories, and I hope you treat them with the same humor I find in mine.

Bravo.

Anonymous said on 2006-10-03

We really enjoyed seeing you and catching up last weekend. We miss you and love you so much! Not so long this time, ok? Your long lost God-siblings,