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So the story between Kindergarten Cop and Kindergarten Cop 2: First Grade Cop is Detective Kimble loses his wife and rejoins the force, probably because he’s addicted to the chase. The chase is like crack for cops. I say the story is told with a special edition graphic novel, free with the purchase of a Slupree.

ACT I

Closer to retirement than ever, Detective Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger) gets a new assignment. There’s some big time drug activity happening at Astoria Elementary School. Since Detective Kimble used to teach at the school, he has to go undercover to figure out who’s responsible for the drugs, and to save the day once again.

Before he goes out into the field, Detective Kimble is given a physical. The doctor notices a small lump on Kimble’s head. In a hilarious call back to Kindergarten Cop, Kimble declares, “It’s not a tumor!”

Kimble arrives at Astoria Elementary School. He’s led around the facility by Principal Ewing, and makes quick friends with Mrs. Jones. Kimble and Mrs. Jones are palling around one day when they run across a first grader who has died of a meth overdose. A distraught Mrs. Jones cries out, “What’s wrong with him?” Quietly to himself, Kimble mumbles, “It’s not a tumor.” Kimble is angry at himself. He knows he could have saved the kid if he had just acted faster.

Kimble’s done fucking around. It’s second act time, dude.

ACT III

Delving deeper into the conspiracy, Kimble gets caught up in trying to teach first grade material, which he’s having trouble conveying to the children. Kimble’s chasing every lead he can, but he’s getting nowhere. Strung out first graders won’t give up their source, despite how much Kimble round-house kicks them. There’s a Mexican child named Arnel that looks looks a lot like Detective Kimble.

One day Kimble and Mrs. Jones find a stash of a bunch of used hypodermic needles and melted crayons behind the school. Mrs. Jones asks what they are, and Kimble responds, “It’s not a tumor.” Kimble confides in Mrs. Jones that he is an undercover cop, showing her his badge and the evidence of drug dealers. Mrs. Jones starts asking questions to other members of the faculty in her civilian version of a shakedown.

The next day while driving to school, Detective Kimble’s car loses its breaks. As he rolls down hill, he dives out of his car, barely escaping with his life. Kimble’s breaks were cut. Someone is on to him. He needs to crack this case today.

Kimble’s seriously done fucking around. Third act time, bitch.

ACT III

Kimble takes a junkie first grader out to the blacktop and starts playing dodgeball with him. He pelts the kid with dodge balls to make the give up his source. The tweaker first grader finally cracks: the lunch lady slips baggies of meth in the mashed potatoes.

Kimble starts to confront the lunch lady when BOOM, out of nowhere, a shot is fired and kills the lunch lady. It’s principal Ewing, and he’s been behind the drug operation the whole time. The two have a dramatic gun battle. Kids are fleeing the multipurpose room. Someone yells out “Food fight!” Food starts flying, the men begin to fist fight, using oversized kitchen utensils as weapons. Mrs. Jones runs towards the shots, worried for Detective Kimble’s life. Mrs. Jones sees Principal Ewing closing in on Kimble with a tomato sauce covered pizza wheel. She picks up a pistol that was lost in the brawl. She does her best to aim carefully. A shot rings out. Both Kimble and Principle Ewing freeze in pain. In a dramatic moment, it’s unclear who’s been shot as they both fall to the floor. Fade to white.

Days later at the Corner’s Office, an autopsy reveals that Detective Kimble was not shot. Kimble died of a tumor in his brain. The corner points out that the tumor was pressing on the lower temporal lobe, putting pressure on the language center of his brain. Kimble couldn’t say anything other than “It’s not a tumor.” The corner says that Kimble was in great pain from the tumor, but the reason he went on the assignment was to help protect the precious children and keep kids off drugs.

In the home of the little Mexican child, Arnel, Arnel’s mother enters his bedroom. Tears are rolling down her face and she hugs Arnel. He doesn’t know why she’s crying but Arnel hugs his mother back.