Thursday, February 25

I miss my Baking Buddy Regina. I really do. I remember our last time baking together. She had already lost ability to use her right hand and struggled to stir her cupcake dough. I had to help her. BUT she did it. I remember how she used her left hand and placed paper cupcake liners into pan. I remember helping her back to her sofa where she patiently waited cupcakes to be ready. I remember her eating 3-4 at a time ( she was on steroids),.. And that was last time she ever baked of prepared us something. . I have baked cupcakes once since then. It was very hard thing for me to do.****I have not felt like writing. I think about writing, I have opened up this blog many time and type couple of sentences but then I erase it. I have lot to say, I HAVE lot in my mind and I wish I was in happier better place, but I am not. I am still very broken inside. Still hurting, still crying and holding back tears when I am at public place and something reminds me of Regina. I avoid going to LNES because I see "her Friends", I avoid people because I feel like I can't handle hugs and we are thinking of you comments...I do fun things and GO OUT, but oftentimes instead of smiling I wanted to cry..

Friday, February 5

February..It is weird. I remember 2, 3, 4 February's that Regina and I spent in hospitals. Drawing pictures ,making hearts, cutting out hearts... At first I feared it. I feared february, like I feared November, December.. But , I am starting to like it. I love finding hearts she drew, I LOVE finding postcards in drawers, in her closet, In her make up box. It makes me smile. I remember last february and CHLA.. Heart she made.. I still have it :) yes, I love February.

Things have been alright around here. Gabriel is a great student in LNES, once in a while he does get a lover score, but then I give him a serious speech about.. WTF where u thinking?? HOW MUCH IS 8X9 again... JUP.. it is 72. NOW, for 72 hours you are not allowed to play WII.. hhihihihiii.. lol. AND then, screaming starts , like I am about to murder him. I just stare at him and tell say... EVERY minute u cry without any serious reason I ADD an hour... HE SCREAMS even more. for about an hour. then he comes to me asnd says.. CAN I REad a book for an hour so you can take few of those minutes away??? hahaha... I just tell him. YES you can, BUT, you have to stop asking in every 4 minutes.. HOW MUCH MORE TIME DO I HAVE LEFT???

Gabriel is super cool.. :):):):)TOnight he asked me about REgina. Few questions. HE wanted to hear story about when Gabriel was born and we brought him home from hospital.. REgina was very upset. she started crying ( at 22 months) and told us to Take Gabriel back to hospital... SHE was really, really , really upset. SHe cried, and cried, and cried . But then she got used to Idea that Gabriel is not going away, and she was fine ever sense... Every time I tell this story to Gabriel he starts laughing. He thinks it is super funny. He asks WHy Regina did not like him... I told Gabriel, you were tiny wrinkled screaming and stinky thing... WHy do you think she did not like you at first. hehe... That makes Gabriel laugh even more... hehe..I love seeing Gabriel happy:) He gets very creative and imaginative when he is happy. I don't have to force him to do things he does not really like to do.. HE just does them without complaining... ..

ANyway., things are ok. Nick is finally coming home. I miss him. I really do. I have not seen him since January 1st. It is very hard , since it is NEW year for us and NEW beginning for us. I just hope that from now on everything gets better and better :)