Most Days, I Fight Depression

Most days, I fight depression. Today was a good day. This morning I woke up, bathed my six-year-old, removed his peed on bedding, ate breakfast and began to blog. Today I didn’t open my eyes with a feeling of defeat in my mind. My heart didn’t ache. My brain wasn’t scrambled. For some people, this may sound crazy. I’ll admit that five years ago it sounded nuts to me too. Now, it is an everyday concern.

Anxiety and depression have changed how I do everything. Activities that once took me little thought or physical exertion are now almost unbearable. I could probably deal with that part of it. My biggest hurdle is how I perceive other people’s thoughts and attitudes toward me. I do not want to feel like an inconvenience. As an adult, I want to be known as dependable, available, and honestly a version of wonder woman.

“Just get over it,” I scream at the top of my lungs inside my mind! But, even when I eat real food, exercise, use natural products, pray, read my Bible, do everything “right”, I am still broken. “I don’t want to be broken anymore,” I sob over the phone to the man who has walked this unwanted path with me. But, I am broken. My hormones, my brain, and my body are broken. Will they ever be fixed? I don’t know. What I do know is that the things I am doing to promote health are working. They don’t cure me. They don’t fix what is broken. But, they do help me.

Little Steps For A Better Day

The Vitex (chasteberry) that I found over three years ago helps me maintain a monthly cycle. Frankly, my sex life with my husband of 15+ years is made possible by a normal cycle through Vitex. That ONE thing is HUGE! Every Post-Tubal Ligation Syndrome support group I am involved in has numerous posts from women begging for answers to the question, “Is there anything I can do to help my libido and regulate my cycle?” I have something that works for me! This means I don’t worry about an uncomfortable or unhealthy marital sex life. That’s huge!

Again, I have not cured or fixed my illness or symptoms. But, I have found answers that take my quality of life and exponentially raise it! Maybe I can encourage you too. If those two things are all I accomplish, my daily fight with depression will be worth it. Most days, I fight depression. Today, I won.