Peter Chianca: Kids disassemble the darndest things

Peter Chianca

Wednesday

Jul 29, 2009 at 12:01 AMJul 29, 2009 at 8:34 PM

Well, I’ve been at this fatherhood thing for four years now, and father of two for about 22 months, so I must have mastered it by now. Right? That sound you hear is other fathers laughing so hard the crusted oatmeal almost falls off their ties.

Editor’s note: Peter Chianca’s column is on summer hiatus, during which time we’ll be re-running his annual “Tips for Clueless Fathers.” This week’s is from 2003.

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Well, I’ve been at this fatherhood thing for four years now, and father of two for about 22 months, so I must have mastered it by now. Right?

That sound you hear is other fathers laughing so hard the crusted oatmeal almost falls off their ties. No, as any parent will tell you, the older kids get, the more ways they figure out how to complicate the process; they do this easily and with glee, like Hogan outsmarting Col. Klink.

Still, judging from my e-mail, fathers still want my help. (At least I think so — their notes usually read “Please hel” followed by “fiojopsidj,” as if little fingers had pounded on the keyboard and clicked the “Send” button before the fathers even knew there was someone else in the room.) So without further adieu, this year’s tips for clueless fathers:

1) Hide the DVD player. The fact that kids can get entertainment on demand from the VCR is bad enough. But when they realize they can pick particular scenes from a movie and see them immediately, that’s when the real trouble starts. In my house it’s led to repeated showings of a Bizarro version of “The Sound of Music,” which begins with the puppet show and features multiple flashbacks to the kids falling out of the boat — it’s “The Sound of Music” as edited by Quentin Tarantino.

The DVD player can also have adverse effects on younger children, who may subsequently have trouble readapting to regular videotapes; in particular, they’ll greet the need to actually “rewind” with a display that recalls Al Pacino’s freakout at the end of “Scarface.”

2) Don’t resist the Spider-Man pajamas. Children’s pajamas can be very inexpensive; in fact, with the right combination of sales and coupons, it’s almost possible to get the pajama people to pay you. Despite this knowledge, though, you will at some point feel compelled to shell out $16 or more for department store Spider-Man pajamas.

This is because you will remember your own Spider-Man pajamas, and something in the far recesses of your brain will tell you to share the Spider-Man pajama experience with your son. Your wife won’t understand, because this is one of those father-son things, like taking him to his first ball game or teaching him how to use the Universal Remote. Which reminds me ...

3) Hide the screwdrivers. Boys and girls are different. This is true in so many ways — for instance, girls are prone to demure giggles, while a boy will greet the exact same situation with a bellow probably not unlike the one with which Erik the Red greeted the Laplanders.

But they’re especially different when it comes to electronic devices. Little girls couldn’t care less about such things, whereas little boys will develop their fine motor skills just so they can take a screwdriver to the VCR. Watch out for that.

4) Stay home. Odds are you may have reached the point where you’d like to take your family out to a restaurant where there’s at least a chance you won’t see a man dressed as a giant mouse. And if your oldest has reached the point where this would not be a problem, you may talk yourself into thinking that your little one can handle it as well.

You’ll realize this is a mistake the minute he throws a chicken finger into the Pinot Grigio at the next table, or attempts to prove his theory that if you rock back and forth in your highchair with enough force, it will actually leave the earth’s atmosphere. Stick with takeout until 2005.

5) It’s all part of the package. No matter how clueless a father you are, you’ve probably picked up that parenting is equal parts frustration and joy — and that you’re even a little proud of the kids when they outsmart you. Nothing wrong with that; who knows, they might even teach you a thing or two.

For instance, who knew “The Sound of Music” would be better without all the mushy parts and the Nazis?

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”

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