50 Things No Man Over 40 Should Own

50 Things No Man Over 40 Should Own

No, grown men don't have "Star Wars" bedsheets.

By
Eric Spitznagel

There’s an old proverb (or maybe it’s just the title of a Broadway play) that reminds us of the universal truth: “You can’t take it with you.” Though they’re talking about life after death, I believe it applies to your 40s, as well. If you’re a man on the cusp of middle age, there’s a long list of things you should be leaving in the past. I’m talking about everything from scooters that would be mistaken for a child’s to wildly age-inappropriate clothing to the single worst haircut any man can have—especially someone at your dignified station in life.

1

Hoodies

Sorry. You’re just a little bit too mature for this look. And if your defense of your favorite hoodie contains, “Mark Zuckerberg wears an old hoodie every day! He’s a CEO!” You’d be right. And I’d like to remind you that he’s 33. And for more style rules in your middle-age years, here are The Definitive Style Rules for Men Over 40.

2

Acoustic Guitar for Parties

In your head, it’s easy to convince yourself that everyone at the party is secretly hoping that a guy in his 40s will whip out a guitar and break into a one-man acoustic version of “Ants Marching.” But trust us on this one, they’re really not.

3

Flip-flops

I know, this is a tough one. What else are you gonna wear when you’re trying to keep the chill vibes flowing and you’re kicking around the hacky sack with your best bros? Can we suggest shoes? And maybe lose the hacky sack? If you’re in the market for some great summer shoes, check out these handsome slip-ons.

4

Tracksuits

Just because Tommy Hilfiger and Todd Snyder are making tracksuits now and Adidas insists that November 6th is “National Tracksuit Day” doesn’t make them okay. A tracksuit is just a gateway drug to a gold chains and Bermuda bucket hats. Run DMC is not a good look on a guy old enough to have been in Run DMC in the 80s. If you’re going to shop Tommy Hilfiger, check out their selection of blazers instead.

5

“Funny” Ties

You’re no longer the funniest guy at the frat party. You’re not even the quiet, shy one at the frat party. What on earth are you doing at a frat party?! Leave the party. Get a better tie. And while you’re at it, learn how to tie the dang thing too.

6

Velcro Wallets

If you can’t pull out some cash or a credit card without making a loud riiiiipping sound, you’re legally not allowed to drive a car or own a home or sit at the grownups table at dinner. Also, you need a great, handsome wallet. After all, Real Men Carry Cash.

7

Scooters

We can prove to you that a scooter is a terrible idea with one video. Nothing about this electric scooter commercial is based on real life. Nobody who uses a scooter as his main mode of transportation wears a suit, has a “9am meeting,” or exchanges flirty glances with beautiful women. Also, this scooter is called the Swagtron Swagger. Seriously? It’s like you’re asking to get pelted with monkey poo. (Also, it should go without saying that hoverboards fall into the category of banned items after 40, as well.) If you want to commute on wheels, try instead one of the 17 most luxe, upscale bicycles on the market.

8

There are so many better ways to announce to the world that you’re someone who thinks he’s a “warrior” at life. Why not just mount some ninja swords on your bedroom wall and call it a day? Trust us: There is a better way to become a better boss.

9

Wine Bottles as Candle Holders

Unless you live in an Italian restaurant (and kudos if you do), this is not nearly as cute as you think. That said, seeing as the Italians are the healthiest people on earth, you could do worse than mastering the 5 secret tricks for adopting an Italian lifestyle.

Photo courtesy of Gemma Morgan on Flickr.

10

Certain Specialized Deodorant

If your package is consistently sweaty enough that they require a pharmaceutical fumigant, it’s time to see a doctor.

11

Bowling Shoes

As we learned in this 2012 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, people can correctly guess your age, gender, and income just by looking at your shoes. You know what bowling shoes reveal about you? That you’re a teenager with no money who steals his footwear from bowling alleys.

15

An AOL Email Address

The only people who still have AOL addresses are hipsters who only listen to music on vinyl and your grandmother who still connects to the Internet with a landline. And since we’re all shooting off emails on the go, you should adopt the only mobile email signature anyone should use.

16

Speedos

17

A Story Involving a Jail Cell

That crazy yarn about you and your buds committed a minor felony back in college is a sure-fire crowd pleaser. But if you begin any dinner party story with “You’ll never believe how I ended up in jail last weekend,” don’t expect an enthusiastic response.

18

A Key Chain Bottle Opener

There is always a bottle opener nearby. If there isn’t, maybe you need to ask yourself, “Am I currently at a location where it’s appropriate to be drinking alcoholic beverages?” Maybe you wait until after church to crack open that frosty beer? If you’re a healthy, moderate drinker, try one of these 30 best post-workout beers of all time.

19

Gamer Injuries

We like playing a little Resident Evil 7 as much as the next guy, but if you’re playing so much that your thumbs are permanently calloused, you’ve been killing too many fake zombies and not getting nearly enough cardio and sunlight. That said, video games aren’t all bad. In fact, these 8 games are scientifically proven to make you smarter.

22

A “Lucky” Piece of Clothing

Sorry, but that crusty old t-shirt that you refuse to wash isn’t the same thing as Michael Jordan’s so-called “lucky shorts.” Please don’t make us enumerate the ways that you’re probably not the Michael Jordan of your office or local pickup games. So toss the t-shirt out, and stock up instead on the one white t-shirt that every man needs to own.

23

A Roommate

It’s fine to live with other people. They’re called your wife and kids.

24

Band T-shirts

Who exactly do we think we’re impressing with our Spoon concert tee?

25

A Tinder Account

If your dating app of choice has been blamed for the rise of STDs in some states, it might be time to move on to the next best pickup scene; whistling at girls outside convenience stores. But on a serious note, if you are indeed on the market, you should try one of the best dating apps for people over 40.

26

Wallet Chains

There’s no good explanation for a wallet chain. Worried about losing your wallet? Unless you’re biking through rough mountain terrain, your concerns are unfounded. And if you’re biking through rough mountain terrain, what do you need a wallet for?

27

Themed Bedsheets

At your age, you should be more concerned with thread counts than whether your sheets have a cool illustration of Han Solo. And while we’re on the subject of beds…

28

A Bed without a Frame

If you’re just out of college and living with three other guys in a city apartment, a mattress on the floor is fine. (At least you’ve graduated from a futon.) But unless your life goal is to be a character in a Tom Waits song, you’re way too old to not be investing in the entire bed. And if you’re living a truly transient existence, check out these 10 Cool Campers That Beat a Hotel Room Any Day.

29

A Bong

Nothing wrong with smoking a little weed to unwind after a long day. As long as it doesn’t involve a six-foot bong that you’ve nicknamed The Wizard.

30

Skinny Jeans

The only person allowed to wear skinny jeans over the age of 40 is Iggy Pop. End of story.

31

Frozen Pizza Rolls

A freezer filled with pizza rolls and other microwavable junk food is not an option for the modern man. If you’re a snacker, instead, stock your kitchen with the 5 best high-protein snacks for men.

34

A Girlfriend Born in the Clinton Years

Okay, so you don’t technically “own” a girlfriend, but she still belongs on this list. If she can only recall the three most recent leaders of the free world, you are officially dating too young, buddy.

35

A Tattoo Less Than Five Years Old

A fresh tattoo on a 40 year old isn’t cool or dangerous or a symbol of your unique personality. It’s the “buying a sports car because I’m terrified of growing old” of our generation. (That said, there are some very cool vehicles on the market right now, like these 10 sports cars built for dominating the open road.)

36

A Fast Food Condiment Packet Collection

Taco Bell hot sauce is an occasional guilty pleasure, not a home kitchen staple.

37

A Buddy on Your Couch

No. You shouldn’t even be Facebook friends with this guy any more, much less letting him “crash” with you until his divorce finalized and he can get his own place to live. You know that’s never happening, right?

38

A Black Eye

It’s not that you can’t take a punch, it’s that you’re still finding yourself in situations where you have to take a punch.

39

Drop-Crotch Pants

There’s no reason you need that much room down there.

40

A Yellow Hummer

These gas-guzzling relics from the 90s already exist deep into no-go territory. But if you add this eye-popping color, you’re doing the only thing that can possibly make it worse.

41

Your Grandmother’s Hand-Me-Down Couch

Free furniture is a great thing when you’re in your 20s and struggling to get by. But saying “My grandmother slept on this couch in college” when you’re 40 is a cry for help.

42

A Selfie Stick

A grown man knows how to politely ask a stranger to snap a quick photograph.

43

Your Childhood Arts-and-Crafts Wares

That glazed clay bowl you made at camp is definitely not a suitable living-room centerpiece.

44

Pokémon Cards

Put. The cards. Down. And walk. Away.

45

Beer Can and/or an Empty Liquor-Bottle Collection

Saving hundreds of empty aluminum cans and bottles of all the beers you’ve consumed over the years isn’t like covering a suitcase with stickers from foreign countries. It just makes people think, “Wow, this dude has a serious drinking problem.”

46

Sports Team–Themed Wall Art

One notable exception: if that Fathead of Aaron Judge is on your son’s wall.

47

Keepsakes from Fast Food Restaurants

Yes, your tumblers featuring Mayor McCheese and Grimace are collector’s items. But they’re maybe not how a guy in his 40s should be sipping on a weekend cocktail.

48

Hacky Sacks

“Don’t keyhole the sack, brah,” is definitely what you would be saying if you were 22 and lived in your mom’s basement. But you’re not. Put down the footbag.

49

Jorts

Or anything “norm core,” for that matter.

50

A Flip Phone

You don’t have to buy every new tech gadget that comes on the market. But using a flip-phone will instantly add 30 years to your age in ways that unhealthy living can only dream of.