Now, I see a lot of positive things on Asian men here on this blog and I do appreciate that, but what about the not-so-positive ones? There is one thing in particular i’ve been thinking about for a while lately: the cheating and the tradition of having xiaosan [mistresses] here in China. I can’t even remember how many times I have been approached by married men or guys who have been with their gfs for 8 or 9 years! Not to mention the fact that dating someone is actually quite complicated because a good part of the guys in their late 20s are already married!!

I know a lot of foreign girls who do get in troubles eventually for starting relationships with men who are already taken and it just becomes a mess…

What do you think about this? Why is it that so many seem to prefer cheating than leave their ‘safety net’ (aka gf)? Why does it seem that foreign girls are their preferred choice when they look for xiaosan?

…when you put Western women and Chinese men together, some Chinese imagine we’re no more than his mistress — as they say in Chinese, the disanzhe(第三者) or ernai (二奶) — or the ultimate one-night stand. We’re not marriage material, but we’ll give him “a good roll in the sack.”

Yes, many Chinese think Western women are sluts — you can largely thank those Hollywood movies/TV shows, which are ever-so-popular in China, for reinforcing this idea. We also stand out in a crowd too. So in China, that makes us an easy target for any guy with an easy extramarital affair on his mind — he sees your foreign face, and immediately assumes you’re already game for just about anything in bed, even if it means playing mistress.

So statistically, I expect that Western women in China are just more likely to run into these no-good sort of guys. It’s no wonder my Chinese friend Caroline once said to me, “You should be careful who you date.”

In a survey of married urban Chinese conducted from 1988 to 1990, 29 percent of married men and 23 per cent of married women said they had engaged in extramarital sex. In a more recent national survey, Pan Suiming of People’s University found that between 17 and 19 per cent of married urban residents engaged in extramarital sex. In comparison, in various sample surveys roughly 25 per cent of American men and 15 per cent of American women report having ever had extramarital sex.

I say, learn to guard yourself against China’s dishonest men. Since these guys are usually trolling for fast sex, consider having your own “five date rule” (that you won’t have sex until the fifth date) or something like it. (Just don’t tell him you have such a rule — otherwise he might play along, and then drop you like a hot dumpling after date number five). Also, I’m a big fan of having your Chinese friends introduce you to possible dates. While it’s not a 100 percent guarantee the guy’s not a cheater, chances are your friends will know if he’s already taken. They’ll also be a better judge of his personality, and whether he’s someone you can really trust.

As for what you said about the dearth of unmarried men in their late 20s, it’s true — many Chinese get hitched before 30, leaving you with fewer choices (though it’s far more acceptable for the men to be over 30 and single — double standard, as usual). You can’t change the trend, but you can change how you date; for example, consider dating someone younger (something I did, since I’m more than a year my husband’s senior).

What do you think?

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Send me yours today.

67 Responses

Taiwanese men working in China who have a xiaosan in their work location and a wife (and often kids) back in Taiwan. I’ve heard statistics for this are as high as 70%, and even other Taiwanese men will admit it’s a huge problem, to the point where a wife whose husband is working in China will often grow suspicious for that reason alone.

The main difference is that in Taiwan, those who do cheat (and not all cheat!) tend not to go for Western foreigners. Even though the worst American TV (Desperate Housewives, Cougar Town) gets piped in over here I find there is less of a feeling in Taiwan that foreign women are sluts or easy marks, and few mistake us for Russian prostitutes (the prostitutes here seem to be either local, from China or from SE Asia according to the news). I also think this has to do with differences in how and when Taiwan developed as opposed to China.

It’s also more common to find Taiwanese men over 30 who are single – everyone tends to marry later. These days, even the women, and the stigma isn’t so bad as it once was. A lot of these Taiwanese women think of themselves as being like the women on Sex and the City – and aren’t ashamed of it (and society grants them that right).

Well My girl friend is greater than I 4 years old I and she go to Italy Her friend say me so beautiful I very surprised Chinese girl say I am handsome in chian

many Chinese get hitched before 30 yes many 22 to 28

Some rich old man like find a ernai As of April this year, China has 960,000 millionaires with personal assets of 10 million yuan (US$1.5 million),” says Rupert Hoogewerf, chairman of the Hurun Research Institute, which compiles China’s rich list. China has 150,000 millionaires with personal assets of 10 million yuan (US$1. million),” says Rupert Hoogewerf, chairman of the Hurun Research Institute, which compiles China’s rich list.

Correction As of April this year, China has 150,000 millionaires with personal assets of 6.24million yuan (US$1. million),” says Rupert Hoogewerf, chairman of the Hurun Research Institute, which compiles China’s rich list.

I have always complained about one way street. But, here it is different. Many Chinese think western women are sluts. Strange..I have heard many white expat women and men as well as White Americans living here in the US that most Asian women are sluts! Unfortunately, there is only reciprocity in this issue.

I lived in both places. I sort of notice the “slutty” definition is different for white woman and asian girl. Chinese men view white woman “slutty” in the sense that whites are more open about sexual desire and ready to have sex for physical need. Whites (as well as chinese men ) see asian woman “slutty” for some personal gain, be it money or fame. Often chinese men think of “slutty” asian girl as manupulative.

It is not only media. The average Chinese girl won’t have as many sexual partners before marriage. The general attitude toward sex and dating is different. In comparison, western women become “sluts”. When you are not sure, go slow and get a wing “man”.

Some personal fact: I only had white women as friends of benefits before, never Asian. I currently have a single woman neighbor (girl next door) who brings at least two different men per week for sex. The apartment wall is so thin that I can hear her conversation with guy and sex moaning clearly. I learned so many dirty words about sex from her performance. I even compained once to managment about her noice once. But now I learn to enjoy it as free porn show. She picked up most her men at local bar around 2-3 am during weekends.

I doubt an average Chinese man in China will have as many sex partners (not prostitutes) comparing to an average white girl. It would be one of the topics for two partners to discuss. But premarital sex is also common in China these days. Because of these ideas of western women, some Chinese men must think they will go casual.

I had a neighbor once who liked to open her window to do it in the summer. A Chinese girl will keep a low key for sure.

I would also guess that maybe some of them might cheat for adventure or whatnot, or just to see if a white woman will be different than Chinese woman. At this time I don’t like my age, I’m nearing the end of my 20s

I’ve definitely heard sex through the walls in Taiwan*, and been in hotels where the next room over has a couple having loud sex (including spanking and other stuff), and the women involved didn’t seem too shy about it.

Some of my Taiwanese friends on Facebook crack sex jokes, including women (or join in the fun when the men do). One Taiwanese male friend of mine posted a photo of a book he found on Facebook entitled 跟老婆不能做的事 with a photo of four bare legs, clearly on a bed together. His wife commented (in Chinese but I can’t remember exactly what she said, so here’s the gist in English) “Whatever – buy that book and bring it home and I’ll show you what you can do with your wife!”

There are Taiwanese women at the expat bars here who clearly intend to pick up a white guy for the night, figuring they want to get some and they’re more likely to get it from a white guy than a Chinese guy (who is more likely to be someone in their extended social circle who’ll kiss and tell).

So…I’d disagree. Chinese and Taiwanese women might not, say, bring a guy home every weekend or leave the window open, but plenty of white women don’t do that either (I never have). There are many instances in which Taiwanese women aren’t low-key at all.

*well, not in my current apartment, my neighbors are all elderly retirees. A friend joked that I live in a nursing home. That feels true, although really it’s public housing built for retired veterans.

I also don’t think women who choose to have sex this way/this often are “sluts”. I just don’t like that word – because what she does with her body is her business, and because the women get called sluts but the men don’t. That’s not fair – all those men that woman you describe brings home – why aren’t you calling them “sluts” too? Why just her?

It’s the Internet, it doesn’t quite work that way. I don’t “ignore” comments unless I grow tired of the conversation. If you don’t want feedback, responses or pushback (even feedback you don’t like) on your comments, don’t comment. But you can’t just tell other people not to respond to what you say.

And once again this has proven that while Jocelyn’s blog is great, some of the commenters are really terrible people who can’t see their own misogyny (and labeling woman a “slut” is misogyny). I feel sorry for you. You’ll never understand women, and you’ll never understand what it would mean to be a truly egalitarian society.

I’m happy my blog doesn’t attract such hateful comments (and when it does, I delete them – I won’t harbor sexism on my blog even in the name of free speech).

Stop bugging Jocelyn ! This is about you now. There will always be hate. America needs you so come back to fight for women’s rights! I really don’t understand why you’re in Taiwan and fighting for women’s rights in Ameria. We will understand you women when you stop complaining about everything. I really don’t know how your friends can talk to you . We can’t use this word and that word. I wonder why some people have less and less friends coming over. Jenna, I think your husband doesn’t talk much because you say everything for him already. Maybe he is afraid to open his mouth because he doesn’t want you to get angry on ALLLLLL ISSUES!. I could be wrong.

Nice topic Jocelyn! I have heard many times about it, I dont know in which country people cheat more, this is a globalized society, people can keep it as a secret, but they can also lie and say they do hang out with others just to appear to be more “interesting”. What seems to be a common factor is money, when a person starts to have a quite good amount of money in the bank account, the “need”(will) is stronger. I know people who used to play around during their 20s, like those girls you mentioned in the comments,but I also realized that they dont even think about it, now they are married and value family a lot. I also know people who did not dated more than 1 before marriage and now their eyes look around like searching for fun.. Definetely, I have respect in the top list of values, but everyone has different values. If both partners are honest and open to the idea then there is no cheating, but honesty.

I don’t need to admit things I did not do. I know this is internet. But It has been an interesting blog.

It is not only media. The average Chinese girl won’t have as many sexual partners before marriage. The general attitude toward sex and dating is different. In comparison, western women become “sluts”. When you are not sure, go slow and get a wing “man”.

If anyone thinks I am calling western women sluts, I will explain myself.

Thank you for your answer. I knew that misconceptions on western women is the main reason but it still bugs me a lot. @aiyangxifu: see, that’s one thing i cannot understand, for as much as i can try. Does having casual sex make you a slut? I don’t think so. As long as you’re single and you’re not losing respect towards yourself, you’re free to have sex with whoever you want. That does NOT mean ANY men can hit on you -.-” And especially if you’re taken!!

@askdsk, I don’t know hoy they undertake these studied. Do they ask people directly? Do they get information from hotels? … I don’t think this is the kind of data we can trust. On the other hand, I’ve never been to US so I can’t give my personal opinion about the data either…

I’m not sure if many Chinese men have western women as mistresses……..however many Chinese men do have Chinese women as mistresses. If a western women does get involved with a man who’s married or has a girlfriend she may (initially) not have known because a) very few Chinese men wear wedding rings and b) the man didn’t tell the woman he is married or has a girlfriend.

I have asked my Chinese (male) friends about having/seeking mistress/girlfriend; the reason’s they have given me include “We (meaning men) are all dogs” (not exactly sure what that means), “we can, we want to and we do”, some even go so far as to say “it’s in our culture” meaning that Chinese men throughout history have had more than one wife/concubine.

The word “slut” should never be used in any circumstances/ context. What we tend to forget is that when using this word we’re in fact calling someones grandmother,mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife a “slut”. I doubt any man would take lightly to hearing his mother being called a slut.

Fair enough. I was trying to explain where the theory coming from. On a broader theme, when Jocelyn run these topics, how many readers will be so kind not to think most Chinese men are cheaters? That is not what she is trying to say. You might say those ones intelligent enough won’t be turned off by such discussions and therefore better informed. But I doubt people are not so “naive”. It won’t hurt to extend a little further to get to the heart of the matter. That is exactly what she has done. However, I won’t be able to stand my ground because I have used a wrong word to “label” woman. Don’t put cheater and Asian man in the same sentence, ok?

@Jenna For someone who is intelligent, your way of promoting your cause has been out of control. It is becoming more condescending and one-sided. I get it you have strong opinions and blame other people for intolerance. If you don’t love attention, why are you here?

@ Arianna I think aiyingxifu is trying to say the same thing as I have tried. The image of western girl is easy when people see or hear such stories.

In fact, this idea of western woman being more free-spirited is not new. Early in the century in Shanghai, there were quite a few such women in that city who made a name of themselves. Can someone put themselves in my shoes and think the effect of the same cheating stories?

In the course of my stay in China, I met so many westerners who are very critical, many old-timers. Most complaints are valid. But people refuse to go to the extent to acknowledge it is also their own choices to make the experiences.

The best argumentative strategy is to attack when it serves the purpose. Concede a point and go back to say it is personal opinion. Jenna is the one person who uses it effectively.

What is personal opinion? About every opinion in this country is personal. I need to speak louder and repeatedly to win, right? To me, people who live as minority and fail to gain more empathy have no higher moral ground. Trying to interpret within your own values is plain ignorant.

@ Laura I forgot your region. I am surprised by the study. The problem seems to be so much worse in China. The idea of doing what in your control is taking place in China too, at least for people with means like you mentioned. I don’t think it manifests in similar ways as US. A good example would be “walk of shame” on college campus.

Interesting topic Jocelyn and one that I have heard about. In general I really hate this idea of exotisizing a group of women and using behaviors displayed by a few as an excuse to mistreat and have your way with them.

Western women are more “slutty”? What an utter load of crap. If there are women who would like to have partners and are ok with one night stands, well so be it. Neither are they sluts for it nor should they be treated as the prototype for a whole race!

I also agree with the idea of taking it slow and being aware that men from other cultures may not perceive your sexual freedom as something to be respected. But also if these women are interested in dating local men (like the author seems to be) it helps to know how the game works there too right? Most conservative cultures wouldn’t find picking up people at bars and sex on first date an ideal start to a serious relationship. So avoiding those behaviors makes more sense.

There is also a flipside to it. I came across a blog by a white woman who prided herself in having slept with a bunch of korean men (she had a thing for kpop – gags), some of whom already had girlfriends or wives I think. The way she spoke about it etc made me think that they were the ones being used and this not to bright woman was showing her “conquests”. I would say though that such trolls are usually deviants in a population than the norm.

A possible explanation is Chinese men play the field later in life versus in their 20s in western cultures.

I know some Chinese guys in their early 20s planning to find a good enough woman as a good wife and good mother to their kids, regardless if the woman is attractive to them (One guy I know did exactly that and get married after graduating from an Ivy League college). With the man’s family being taken care of by the good wife, he can focus on your career/business, i.e. getting rich. Then later in life, if the guy is successful and powerful, say in mid-40s, he can have the capability to be a sugar daddy and fool around with young attractive girls. Young, attractive Chinese girls are often very materialistic and won’t mind to be a sugar babe to live a luxury lifestyle.

Similar to the western culture, Chinese men do play the field but just do that later in life, and plan that far ahead of time.

@A_Lopez I agree with most what you said. I found this statement offensive. “Similar to the western culture, Chinese men do play the field but just do that later in life, and plan that far ahead of time.” But I am having a bad day and want to pick a fight. You get my point.

@askdsk, Spain. When I visited Tibet someone told us about the Mosuo community in South West China, where people follow the Marriarchal marriage pattern, sex and family arr two different topics and women are introduced to sex when they turn 13 years old. That seemed to give the wrong idea to other cultures, since some people came to work as prostitutes, missunderstanding the concept. My question is.. Is that behaviour included in the stadistics? That belongs to their culture but did the person that undertook the survey understand the whole meaning? Furthermore, I have met people who say they have cheated as many times with as many girls.. And they are just telling lies.. Maybe they think that means they are more “macho”?, more modern or liberal?, more cool or interesting? .. I have met a Chinese guy who was telling stories all the time, such us: I cheated on my girlfriend with a pretty student, i fighted with the police, the police in your compound are strong( meaning the security guy eho is already in his late 50’s), ), and many other stories.. I told him to stop it since everyone knew he was just telling stories and he was just a very poor actor. He admitted that, he introduced his girlfriend to us qnd stopped telling lies.. He learned the lesson. Back home if you know the person is just acting and you let him know he will act even more…

@askdsk, Have you heard about ” SlutWalk”? It’s about mocking the concept that basically says some women don’t count, and discriminates them. SlutWalk is a movement mainly follow by young women with studies, women who had being called “sluts”: Don’t dress like that or they will call you “slut”, Don’t make up like that or they will think you are a “slut”, … That reminds me of that article from the worker of the metro in China, the guy who published a picture of a lady with a semi transparent dress and said: if you dont want to be harassed im sorry but dont wear these clothes.. Etc. That happens everywhere, im not saying it only happens in China but is a clear example of how it works in our society: Instead of telling the man that harassment is not a good behaviour, people say to the woman to change her clothes so that the man can control himself… And we are supossed to live in a civilized world…

@ Laura I agree women have to face more repercussion from men. Is it the approach for equality by acting certain ways? That is obviously debatable. I read about feminism’s rise and decline, reasons for feminism, reasons for reclaiming traditional roles and the society’s forces behind the movement. There is so much knee-jerk reaction today. But I am not going into more discussions. In dating, the culture values will come into play. I want to challenge all western women on this blog to think why they are viewed that way.

@askdsk, Catholicism has influenced Spain a lot, same as Portugal, but I would say in Portugal they practice it more than in Spain. I have been educated by a catholic mother and when they told me to decide I explained to them what I do believe and I dont believe, which basically meant I was not catholic but I had a clear idea of my values. I dont know how to explain the relationship between catholicism and behaviour… Since it is a country where people are adicted to things( prostitution, drugs,..), thats what they say, i have seen the second one so I believe it and I can confirm it happens. We talk about a country where there is corruption in the Government and in the Church so well.. That could explain some behaviours…

@askdsk, Where is the question in your comment? Since today you are trying to find a fight I dont know if thats a real question, the “please” at the end creates some confussion. The civil war lead to a culture not so different from Chinese culture in some aspects ( family plays a key role, we share the food, an other related to it). Dictatorship= repression, thats still happening. Nowadays there are groups of people going to the streets to “fight”( meaning “ask”) for their rights and the response is violence and repression. So thats not solved yet from my view. Freedom of speech? They say we do have so but I would say most part of people believe we have it, we don’t. Islamic had a lot of influence in the country too. Was it an informative question?

@askdsk, So I apologized for thinking about the comment like that. I dont think any war can leave a good legacy but I saw these similarities with countries that passed times like those ones. I do like my country, since I started to live abroad 4 years ago I becamd more open to think about the bad points. Sometimes when people talk about media in China and the censorship, and they are from Spain, I remind them about our supposed “freedom of speech”, my dad says since I turned 21( when I moved out for the first time), I like to see the good/bad points and when someome touches a bad point about the place I live(specially some question).. Do you live in US? We are both writing very early for China time.

My final advice is know your man/woman. Don’t assume he or she is not a cheater. It’s the temptation and excitement that lure men and women to cheat. You have to know why men and women cheat. You can’t detect a cheater. There is no personality you can scan.

@ Laura Please,no apology needed. Yes, I live in US. After spending time in China, I actually like US more. Obviously this is not a perfect union either. It might also happen to you some day to rediscovery your homeland. I am critical about China (not the country) and other places too. After you travel and meet people, it is harder not to.

@cvaguy I was in China until teenage years. That made me an immigrant. It is easier when you have something to say. My writing is as good as the content can take me. Thank you anyway. Yes, I did spend a few years recently in China. Being bilingual helps. Being able to connect to my roots meant a great deal.

I’m biligual also and I’m willing to learn more languages at the same time. I’ve learned Spanish ( currently has a few spanish friends) and Japanese . I’m currently speaking and learning other asian dialects. Some people just speak English and that’s it.

@Laura Didn’t mistress used to exist in Europe such as your country? I think religion has played a role in countries like China. Their men can have multiple wives not subject to religious constraints in the past. Chinese emperor will laugh at Henry VIII.

Xiaosan means a long term prospect. I think most Chinese men want a foreign girl for casual sex.

@askdsk Agree I shouldnt put Asian and cheater together, I live in Shanghai so 99% of the men I come across/have dealings with are Asian (Chinese) so for that reason I tend to refer more so to Chinese men than Western.

The population of Shanghai is the total population of my own country and I do tend to see, hear and experience more in Shanghai (I know Shanghai is not the whole of “China” so you can’t compare this 1 city to the rest of the country).

When you say most Chinese men want a foreign girl for casual sex this maybe so but I’ve not seen it or heard about it (but that doesnt mean it doesn’t happen)

@Mira I was not complaining about you specifically. I wanted to pointed out some questions are loaded to begin with. It is harder not to draw generalizations. Not all Chinese men there act badly. It is less of stir in their conscious. 见怪不怪

@askdsk you’d be surprised but a lot of chinese men here in beijing have foreign xiaosan, not just for a one night cheating. Also i know quite a few of them who are married to foreign women AND have foreign xiaosan. Btw is your nickname a reference to DSK, the politician? xD

Laura , I don’t have a book for that. I just learn while I go along when talking to Hispanic friends etc. You just have to speak it all the time.

Well, the 4 stars general from the U.S. Army just stepped down due to affair with his mistress last week. You just have to know why people cheat. You don’t see me slapping some woman’s ass while my wife is away. Tell me why people cheat first and then I will talk some more.

@Arianna I hired a monkey to throw darts on an alphabet board. Since you mentioned it, I remember the idea of French politician and their mistresses.

I am not aware what you described happening in BJ. I am curious what is the population – the horde of rock stars, politicians and princeling coming to mind. These Chinese men also must have put their foreign prizes on a chain, so they can’t escape from such relationships.