Squatting's For Ladies

Using a public restroom is an under-appreciated art, ladies, but don’t let that discourage you. There is hope for you less artistically inclined dames. While I hardly consider myself an expert, I do have a fair amount of experience in the matter. I’ve graced restrooms in thirty-seven different states, from gas stations to fat cat hotels. In other words, I know how to squat, girls. And you should, too. But let’s begin ante-squat, shall we? Let’s start with the art of padding. All women must become skilled toilet-padders. After all, if you think your derriere is dirty, think of how filthy someone else’s birthday seat is! Or, rather, don’t. It’s not a pleasant thought. The point of padding is to create a barrier between your germies and the germies of all the women who have used this toilet before you. And chances are, there have been many...but let’s not get into that. Start by washing your hands (preferably with your own travel-size anti-bacterial soap) and then grabbing several sheets of paper towel. If there is no paper towel, then you will have to use regular toilet tissue instead. And if that’s not available, well, then I pray you brought some paper with you, or else you’ll have to skip this step altogether. (Or maybe it would just be better to hold it, eh?) Now pad every inch of the toilet seat. I mean it---not one nanometer of that repulsive breeding ground for anal bacteria should be visible. (And you may want to do this while wearing rubber gloves, too.)

Once the seat is COMPLETELY padded, you must proceed to squatting because padding alone simply is not enough to ensure your absolute protection. There are three ways in which you can approach these commode gymnastics: The first method requires you to place your feet on the seat and then, well, you know. The benefit of this method is that you are better able to control your aim than in the second method, which requires you to hover over the seat. Keep your feet on the floor and then position yourself over the seat without actually touching it. This method definitely demands strength, but unlike the previous method, you do not have the danger of slipping and dunking your shoes into the toilet bowl or falling off the toilet altogether (Ouch and eww if you’re unfortunate enough to hit the floor).

So concentrate on the graffiti on the wall and focus those thigh muscles if method two is your choice, sweetheart. Method three is the least physically-straining because it requires no squatting at all, but will most likely result in you leaving the restroom with pee on your leg. Stand over the toilet bowl and just...go. This is a dangerous option if you’re 1) on a hot date, 2) at church with your Great-Auntie May, 3) attending an important business meeting. But if you’re on the go and your bladder won’t stop irking you, then do what you have to do. Just be prepared to wipe your inner thigh and spray disinfectant on your entire body afterwards. In fact, why not take a whole shower at this point? Call a taxi and just go home! Your company can wait! You should’ve used the toilet there in the first place! But if your company cannot wait and you cannot use your own bathroom, remember this: whatever squatting method you choose, never forget that padding is ESSENTIAL. In case you do lose your balance, you can safely land on the paper, rather than the bare seat, which is far less icky. From a more altruistic standpoint, it also minimizes the amount of urine you leave on the toilet seat. And we all know how disgusting it can be to walk into a stall and find something yellow on the seat! After you have gone about your business, you must clean up after yourself. Throw the paper away in the trashcan---not the toilet, as it may clog it---and then wipe any remnants of your visit with a paper towel. Also make sure that there’s no paper or pee on the floor. You may now exit. Now it’s time to wash your hands. Remember---you must do this before you do any primping. (Applying lipstick without washing your hands after urinating is the near equivalent of drinking your pee.) Wait for the water to get warm (not hot, which will damage your lovely pores!) and then rinse your hands for a full fifteen minutes---not seconds, MINUTES. Count if you like. Then squirt a generous amount of soap into your palms and scrub your skin vigorously all the way up to your elbows. Bleeding is encouraged. Lathering should take approximately twenty minutes and the rinsing afterwards, ten. Now you’re free to touch up your hair and make-up, but don’t set up an entire salon. Surely there are other women who want to pretty themselves up, too---or de-uglify themselves in more extreme cases. This should be obvious, but please do not bring blow-dryers, straightening irons, hair curlers, or exotic Indian elephants into public restrooms. Ever. Once you’re done with your primping, you can leave. Oh, wait! I forgot! Spray some of your best perfume in the air before you go. C’mon, be a lady. No one wants to smell your stench.