August 8, 2010

10 Things I’ll Teach My Sons About Women

[This guest post was written by Micah Sparacio, originally posted on his eponymous blog]

Sometimes the truth is not comfortable.

So if you’re not comfortable with a reality that betrays our ideals, don’t read on.

The most important thing I’ve learned about women is that you’ve got to be indifferent to their attempts at harnessing you in an emotional net and controlling you. Sounds harsh, but you’re the man. You need to be in charge of yourself. You should not be controlled. You need to lead. You need to make decisions. Forget all the nonsense about equality. Women don’t want that, even if they say that they do (duplicity of intentions is not uncommon in relationships).

What’s important is to understand how women operate at a biological and emotional level. Ultimately, women are not looking for nice guys. They are looking for strong, confident, powerful men. Men who make them feel secure… comfortable. This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as women needed men they could rely on to protect both them and their children.

So don’t fall victim to the stories about intentions… the narratives about what they need… the pleas for a nice man. It’s tough. But if you forget everything else, remember this one rule: don’t let a woman ever gain control over you at an emotional level. Don’t let her push you around with guilt or pleas for sympathy. Stand up to her when she’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with providing comfort or offering a compliment… in fact, you should master these skills … but don’t let her manipulate you into giving them. At that point she’s controlling you.

The story you’ll hear preached from the rafters of our society is that women are just looking for a few nice [read: controllable] men. Reject this narrative at all costs.

Instead, focus on being a man. Confident and capable. And don’t be afraid to embrace the higher virtues like humility (just don’t confuse it with cowardice) and strength (but reject the self-obsessed pride that destroys so many celebrities). Women don’t necessarily need these things, but remember, your goal should be to become a great man, not a poser who’s trying to pick up women.

You must become the man you want to become without regard to women… it is only then that you will find that the task of gaining and keeping the attraction of a woman is as simple as breathing. And by doing this you can beat the jerks and the thugs (the one’s who get all the girls) at their own game.

The man who spends his life catering to every whim and fancy and emotional confusion that the average women goes through is quite simply not going to be able to attract or hold onto that woman for very long. He will be used and abused and have his heart broken. There’s no reason to go through this.

So, with that introduction, here are the ten things that I hope my boys come to understand about relating to women.

1. Be confident
Women are attracted to confidence. The irony is that your confidence should not be for the sake of women. It should be natural. Make yourself the best man you can be. Let your confidence derive from who you are. Aim to be the best man you can be simply because that’s who you want to be.

Biologically (and thus subconsciously) women gravitate towards big, strong men or men with confident personalities (sometimes coming through in humor, but humor isn’t necessary). Both of these are ancient signals that the man will help her offspring survive (remember, women are motivated and act at a subconscious level, even if they don’t agree at a conscious level).

2. Smile at rejection
Historically, women have been the rejectors and male the pursuers. This is just how the world works. Like it or not, you’ve got to be thick skinned and realize that rejection is just part of the deal for men.

The good news is that unlike the past, there are billions of women out there. So just move on. Don’t let rejection rock your confidence. Learn, improve, and move on.

You can treat rejection the same way you treat the training for a sport. A necessary evil.

3. Maintain other interests
Never allow a woman to consume all of your thoughts or all of your time. Harder said then done. But there are a number of reasons that you should maintain other interests (hobbies, friends, etc.)

The most important reason is that by having a life outside of your relationship or your obsession, you won’t fall hard when the relationship ends. It helps you stay grounded. It helps you move on when the time comes.

Remember: you never want to be consumed by a woman, because then she’s in control. And she really doesn’t want that. Trust me.

4. Enjoy the company of guys
Make sure to have a core group of guy friends that you spend time with on a regular basis. Have fun. Be active. Be a guy. Tell dirty jokes.

And never abandon your guy friends for a woman. If the woman tries to dominate your time, it’s time to move on. It may be hard, but the minute the woman starts trying to control you like she’s your mother, the relationship is stale and it’s time to get the hell out of dodge.

5. Understand hypergamy
At a biological (subconscious) level women are always trying to upgrade. Men have a hard time understanding this because for most men, at a subconscious level, all that matters is that a woman have a certain level of fitness. Any woman who meets that threshold is fair game. Doesn’t matter if she’s an upgrade or downgrade.

With women it is different. Women are constantly keeping their eyes out for an upgrade (usually in the form of acquiring more power). But they are also constantly keeping their eyes on other women that might be a threat to their current situation (flirting with other women on occasion, within view of your partner, is a great way to fight hypergamy).

So why does this matter? Well, because awareness is the key here. Don’t for a second think that the girl you are with transcends her biological nature. Be prepared. Women are not nearly as innocent as the media portrays.

But it matters even more because you can do things to control hypergamy. 1) don’t be a pushover 2) don’t give her emotional control over you (once she’s dominated you, she’ll definitely start looking for the next guy) 3) keep relationships with other women and flirt from time to time

Most importantly, prepare yourself for reality. Don’t get caught of guard. Know what you want. Keep an eye out. Confront. And be prepared to walk away.

6. Be ready to let go
There are a billion fish in the sea. There is no one woman who was made just for you. Don’t buy the Disney nonsense. Sure, there are some women who will fit your personality better than others and certainly some that will be more attractive than others. But the sea is so large… don’t despair.

The minute your girlfriend or partner starts jerking you around or treating you like she’s your mother or using shaming language of any kind or just acts like an entitled princess, it’s a sign that it’s time to walk away. But there might be other signs too. Is the girlfriend spending too much time with other guys? Let her. But not on your dime. Don’t think. Just end it. And once you end it, stick to your guns. Be patient. You won’t have to wait too long for the next potential “friend” to come along.

7. Enjoy the company of other women
Remember, you’re the man. You’re in charge of your life. And really, at a biological level (forget the socio-cultural sublayer), that’s how she wants it. Keep female friends. Keep your girlfriend on her toes. Give her subtle cues that, sure you’ve chosen to be with her, but you could also walk away at any moment and replace her.

Oh, and don’t hesitate to flirt with other women from time to time. It’s the antidote to hypergamy.

8. Get good at something
Gaining skill is about the best confidence builder there is. Men need to build, to create, to invent, to solve problems. I don’t care if it’s learning how to play the guitar (the obvious chick magnet) or learning how to hunt deer (less so). Find something you enjoy and throw yourself into mastering it. And don’t get in the habit of giving up. Learning is a long process and often it takes a lifetime. Just stick with it and keep working through those plateaus.

By having a skill or a set of skills, you will gain independence and self-reliance. You will feel confidence in your abilities. And you will always have something to fall back on and gain comfort from if the people in your life fail you.

9. Ditch the nice guy stuff
A friend once said to me: “Things changed when I became a nice guy. Women started to hate me.”

Your goal is not to be nice. Your goal is to be a confident you. There’s no need to be an arrogant prick or a bad boy. You can beat the thugs and pricks and bad boys at their own game. All they have going is that women perceive them to be strong, confident men. And that’s what women want. You can outdo them by being strong and confident and smart.

Oh, one other thing. It’s out of fashion, but you shouldn’t be afraid to maintain the high ground as an honorable gentleman. A guy who treats his woman well, but who also isn’t afraid to walk away with dignity when she starts playing games.

10. Your body matters
Screw the nonsense that it’s what’s inside that counts. Sure, in an ideal world, that would be true. But this is not an ideal world. That’s one thing I am certain of.

Treat your body like a hobby. Turn it into the most fit machine you possibly can, but have fun with it. Go for hikes. Enjoy nature. Learn to gain peace from solitude. Eat the fuel your body needs. Don’t put junk in the gas tank. Eat lots of meat, vegetables and nuts and drink lots of water.

And do it for yourself. Not the women.

Bonus: Most women don’t want to be reasoned with about everything. Not that you won’t find a rare gem of a woman (like your mom:-) who loves reason and is governed by it. But don’t count on it. Most women prefer to consent via the emotions (“does it feel right?”). If you want something, lead her there. Make it feel right. Want a gun in the house? Focus on the emotions related to security. Women want to feel safe and secure, so make sure she knows you’re getting the gun to protect the family.