Life, Love, and Louisiana.

Tag Archives: bachelors

While sorting through some old notebooks tonight, I fumbled upon an amusing personal ad I wrote a couple years ago. Since it still rings true today, I thought it was worth sharing:

Shy brunette seeks single bachelor in his 20’s. Must love dogs. High school degree required, bachelor’s preferred. The ideal candidate will be tall, thin, and athletic. Kindness, respect, and generosity are musts. Candidate must be Christian, humble, and not clingy.

Applicants who participate in smoking, drinking, clubbing, promiscuity, or related activities will not be considered. Before being selected, applicants will undergo a social media check (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram).

Interviews will be conducted at Starbucks over coffee. Interviewee must be able to cover his own transportation and expenses (plus mine). Use of any 4-letter word, crude gesture, or snide remark may result in your application being rejected.

Duties will include buying me dinner, taking me to movies, treating me to ice cream, walking with me at the park, listening to my ideas and offering input, and telling me I’m beautiful. On occasion, candidate may be needed to act as a personal bodyguard. Candidate will be responsible for planning and executing fun and creative date ideas.

This listing is part of a career progression series. If candidate fulfills duties, he may be eligible for promotion to fiancee.

Please send resume, love letter, and links to 3 social media sites to ccormier@my.centenary.edu. This position will remain open until ideal candidate is chosen.

Bachelors, this one is for you! Ever wonder why you don’t have a girlfriend, even though you’re a perfectly nice guy? Well I’m no relationship expert, but I am a girl. And I’m pretty good at making observations. If you can’t seem to snag a lady, check out my thoughts on what might be holding you back:

You don’t take care of yourself. Guys, we all know you want a girl who is fit, smells nice, wears clean clothes, etc… Well I have news for you: the saying “it hurts to be beautiful” is not entirely false. Girls hate plucking their eyebrows, running on the treadmill, and spending $30 on teeth whitening strips. If we go through all that trouble to impress you, we expect the same courtesy in return. If you’re a total couch potato with bad breath and a unibrow, spend some time focusing on self-improvement before you focus on a love life.

You date every girl you meet. Do you update your relationship status so often that people don’t even bother to “like” it anymore? Do you begin dating someone new within two weeks of a breakup? Then I’m talking to you! The problem I have with guys who constantly jump into relationships is that they date without discretion. They will ask out anyone they meet, which makes them look desperate. I had a guy tell me that when he met his girlfriend, he wasn’t that into her–but since they were both single, he figured they “might as well date.” Um, what?! After they broke up, he immediately jumped into another relationship. When that ended, he had the nerve to ask me out. My response? No. I’m special, and I don’t want to date someone who would date anyone.

You’re obsessed with us. For every text I send, you send four; if I don’t respond to those, you’ll call, leave a voicemail, send a Facebook message, read my blog, and check my Instagram. You want to know what I’m doing every second of every day. Even though I’ve repeatedly rejected you, you still try to woo me. Boy, please. Even if I did like you, it was over when you started smothering me. Guys, if you’re thinking about that special lady 24 hours a day, don’t let her know. Play hard-to-get, be a little mysterious. There’s a fine line between love and obsession. Don’t cross that line.

You have a bad habit. No, I’m not talking about something as elementary as picking your nose or biting fingernails. I’m talking about habits like smoking pot, binge drinking, or lying–relationship deal-breakers. Nice girls (you know, the ones who are girlfriend material) won’t tolerate these kinds of habits. Take a good look at yourself: do you blow all your money frivolously? do you smoke? take drugs? use vulgar language? cheat in relationships? disrespect your parents? Whatever it is, fix it before Mrs. Right comes along.

You’re too serious. Some guys are so afraid to say something politically incorrect, talking to them is like walking on eggshells. Others just have no sense of humor. Whatever the guy’s problem is, if he doesn’t smile or laugh on a regular basis, he will never get a date. I’ve seen this mostly in extremely intelligent guys with better-than-thou attitudes, the future PhDs amid my college science classes. News alert: as brilliant as you may be, you need to get over yourself.

You ignore us. GIRLS LIKE TO BE PURSUED! Don’t wait for us to throw ourselves at you, because we won’t. We can’t read minds, so if you like us you need to give us a little indication. An invitation to a movie, a compliment…something to show your interest. I know I said don’t be obsessed with her, and I stand by that–but don’t ignore her either.

You don’t listen. Ask me a question about myself. Now, shut up and listen! Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next. If I’m talking about my cat’s pink eye, you should remember to text me the next day and ask how Fluffy is doing. Thoughtfulness is an important trait girls look for.

You don’t treat your mama right. How you treat your mom tells that eligible bachelorette a lot about how you would treat her in 20 years. Do you treat your mom to dinner, ice cream, movies? Do you say “thank you” when she cooks your meals or washes your clothes? Do you remember her birthday? If you’re in the habit of fighting with your mom, ignoring her calls, or expecting her to do everything for you… Either fix it, or warn your future wife to lower her expectations!

About Me

I refuse to believe that anyone is "past their prime." As an athlete and health studies graduate, I'm interested in finding ways to stay young physically. But as a writer, I believe remaining young at heart is what truly counts. Either way, it's never too late to chase your dreams, find love, or turn your health around. So join me, and let's be forever 22!