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But What About Single Men?

When I was preparing to write Singled Out, I wanted to study the stacks of scientific studies based on thousands of people who filled out questionnaires. I did, but then I wanted more. I wanted to read rich and textured accounts based on in-depth interviews of single people who talked for hours about their lives, sometimes over the course of many years. Books like that about single women are not hard to find, and they have been around for decades.

Trying to find similar intensive studies of the lives of single men, though, was a whole different story. There just wasn't much out there.

The same thing happened when I tried to find scholarly writings about single people. Single women are of interest to academics, but as for single men - not so much.

Just say the word "single" and your listeners will probably make a quick mental leap to "single women." When my agent was shopping my proposal for Singled Out to publishers - a proposal that described myths specifically about single men - one editor said that I was trying "to write a book that will appeal to a market of singles who are a diverse population of women." Another said that his imprint had already published two books about single women and he was not interested in another.

Before I started doing systematic research of my own, I liked to ask people who they thought had it harder when it came to living single in a society so preoccupied with couples. I don't think anyone ever said it was men. Their reasoning made a lot of sense. The "extra" man, they would say, was always welcome at social events, whereas the "extra" woman was seen as a nuisance. The women I asked would point to all the wedding fantasies peddled to them from their babyhoods (filled with stories about princesses) to their adulthoods (dotted with sparkly bridal magazines and syrupy "reality" TV shows such as The Bachelor).

So when Wendy Morris and I designed our studies of the stereotyping of single people, we thought the single women would be singled out for special disparagement. They were disparaged all right, but so were the single men - and usually to about the same degree. There were a few qualified differences here or there, but not the big blatant divergences we expected.

I now think that there are differences in the particular ways that single men and single women are derogated, but the different myths translate into roughly equal doses of condescension and dismissiveness. Here's how I summarized the myths about single women and single men in two of the chapter titles of Singled Out.

Myths about single women:"Your work won't love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don't get any and you're promiscuous."

Myths about single men:"You are horny, slovenly, and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or, you are sexy, fastidious, frivolous, and gay."

Pundits strut their singlism unselfconsciously. Consider, for example, a recent discussion on the TV show Hardball of one of the hottest political topics - who will snag the Vice-Presidential slots on the 2008 tickets? The guests were asked to consider the possibility that McCain would choose Florida Governor Charlie Crist, a single man. Roger Simon of Politico said of Crist: "He'll probably get engaged soon," then added that the engagement "will probably help put him on the ticket."

I'm on the listserv of a group called Smart Marriages; it's self-described goal is "strengthening marriages and families through marriageeducation." On their website, they tout much of the research that I debunk in Singled Out. Under their list of quotes, they include this one from Franz Kafka. I noticed it because it was also included in a recent mailing to the listserv.

Bachelor's Ill Luck"It seems so dreadful to stay a bachelor, to become an old man strugglingto keep one's dignity while begging for an invitation whenever one wantsto spend an evening in company, to lie ill gazing for weeks into an emptyroom from the corner where one's bed is, always having to say good nightat the front door, never to run up a stairway beside one's wife, to have onlyside doors in one's room leading into other people's living rooms, having tocarry one's supper home in one's hand, having to admire other people'schildren and not even being allowed to go on saying: "I have none myself,"modeling oneself in appearance and behavior on one or two bachelorsremembered from one's youth.

That's how it will be, except that in reality, both today and later, one willstand there with a palpable body and a real head, a real forehead, that is,for smiting on with one's hand."

So this, in the year 2008, is what passes under the banner of "strengthening marriages and families through marriage education."

Perceptions of single people (the stereotypes) aren't everything. What about evidence of discrimination? There's plenty of that, too (though singlism is less vicious than other isms such as racism or heterosexism). In one important domain, there are clear indications of greater discrimination against single men than single women: Single men are paid less than married men, even when their accomplishments are the same. The patterns for women are less consistent. (References are in Singled Out; or you can ask me for them.)

Now here's what's truly remarkable: Despite all the stereotyping and discrimination, most single men (and single women) are doing just fine. Take happiness, for example. In every study I've read, the average happiness level of single men (and single women) is solidly on the happy end of the scale. And no, they would not become even happier, in any lasting way, if only they married.

Of course, I'm not saying that every last single person is happy. There are more than 42 million single men and more than 49 million single women, so some of them are going to be unhappy. But a study that has been ongoing for 20 years suggests that, on the average, they would not become any happier if they did marry (except perhaps for a brief honeymoon effect).

So here's the puzzle: Why is there such a disconnect between the negative perceptions of single men and the actual life experiences of those men? I'll take that on in a future post.

I suspect the disconnect may be owing in no small measure to projection on the part of the many miserable married folks -- especially those with children -- who envy and resent single folks, making their lot easier to endure by participating in the widespread myth that single life is worse.

The disconnect can be attributed to so-called matrimania - the peddling by societal and government institutions the myth that being married is like being given the key to the city: it brings forth riches, eternal happiness and longevity. But it doesn't. To the contrary, I see it as the other way around.

Being unmarried, happy and childfree doesn't fit into the matrimaniacal construct - so society must reject and supress it as much as possible. But it hasn't and it won't - although Bella's book might very well be the beginning. And I tend to see more and more books and articles on the topic similar to Bella's.

I know that in swingers clubs and nudist camps, single men are often not welcome for probably these precise stereotypes. You could probably add polygamists to that list as well.

The perception is that unattached men are disruptive to the social order. The negative stereotypes are a way of ensuring that the single life is made less attractive thereby encouraging men to choose partnership when the real advantage is minimal.

But these stereotypes are deep rooted in many crazy beliefs we have about lovability and happiness so you could really take your pick.

I too have heard people say that being single men are "way cooler" than being single women. Perhaps that's why there's so much more discussion about single women; perhaps it's seen as a greater problem, even though both groups face discrimination.

With the increasing number of single people, I wonder if we'll see a decrease in these stereotypes...

As a former single man (now married), I found myself continually marginalized as I got older. As more and more of my high school and college friends got married, they had less and less a need nor desire to keep my friendship; after all, they were now married to their "best friend." But I think that for single men, the idea that one is single is connected in part to the idea of homosexuality. For some reason our society fears and abhors homosexuality in males much more than homosexuality in females. Male-male friendships are always considered suspectedly gay -- even if only friends, whereas female-female relationships are rarely deemed such. Time magazine once called male-male closeness "gross-out humor" while lauding female-female "action." The other issue is the fact that our society expects men to go after women, while women remain passive, men must be active. Some men just get tired of having to be on the initiative, or they are shy and don't want to have such an onus placed on them, even when many women expect men to be the pursuer rather than the pursued. And, of course, if one doesn't pursue a mate, one may not get one. Also, there are the issues of male earnings and male status and how it appeals to prospective female mates.

> So here's the puzzle: Why is there such a disconnect between the negative
> perceptions of single men and the actual life experiences of those men?

Because society has a vested interest in making sure each woman is supplied with a husband, even to the extent of having government-as-husband programs for women while merely the idea of having government-as-wife programs for men in this supposedly male dominated society would strike nearly everyone as being totally beyond the pale.

Thus social pressure has to be put on males by stigmatizing and pathologizing bachelorhood.

Two quite different sets of explanations are offered for the two sexes being single. For men we have the following:

1) He's homosexual

2) He's commitment-phobic (this is sort of like the version for males of how a couple of generations ago women who wouldn't "put out" sexually for men were labeled "frigid", an unattached male being one who won't "put out" relationship-wise the way almost all women want)

I and most other single men are single because we just don't like you. We don't trust you to tell anything even resembling the truth about your past relationships and we frankly don't see you as worth our effort.

Add to this that most of you simply aren't worth knowing.

We don't care about the marriage rates or birth rates or your fake biological clock bullshit.

I am a bloke and single - I love it! I cannot see any one thing that being in a relationship could add to my life at all. Sex? The high pressure women put on a man to be a great 'performer' is possibly one of the reasons that I shun that whole thing - you are expected to be fucking Superman!I simply don't want to go through all that emotional/psychological bullshit anymore. Blame Society if you want. Blame feminism if you want. Blame anything - I really could not give a shit anymore. The only thing I can say is that I am going canoeing tomorrow in some beautiful part of the world and am off travelling in the new year! LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE!!Some people crave the idea of being in a relationship - even if it is with the wrong person. These people are delusional. If you don't like being single, you are a weak person and you don't actually like yourself...I feel sorry for you.

I think this rings true for me. I have loved three times, and on three occasions I have been replaced. I have seen this again and again with relationships.

They say they love you - and then one day they get bored. They don't talk to you about it, they don't try to put any work in, they just check the market and leave you (usually after cheating for a few months to make sure of their position). It is heart-breaking.

I can't have my heart broken again and remain a good man. If it happens again I will no doubt descend into a world of darkness and embitterment. I don't want that to happen.

So I do not engage with women any more. Occasionally (very!) I will meet one somewhere of a night and scratch my horny-itch. Sometimes I will visit an escort.

It is just easier for me. I can focus on my life...and yes, not basically be dragged around the world fulfilling the needs of another whilst she fails to fulfil mine, and then finally being replaced like your a bloody kitchen utensil rather than a human being.

I am strong, and capable, and my will is powerful, because I am a man. I do not need anyone, for anything, and if I have to face the world on my own two feet, I goddamn will. I don't think women can say the same, and this is why they have sown the seeds of their own unhappiness.

It is a real shame, because women are lovely in the immediate context of their company.

Many (if not most) of the men I know were raised by women in a feminist world. We learned to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of ourselves. We were told this would make us more attractive to women. We were educated in school by mostly women. We have competed with women in school, college, and the workforce. We were raised in a "you go gurrl" world. Then when we look around to find an equal partner, we see starkly that we have been sold a bill of goods. We will be expected to woo, pay for and court women. However they are under no obligation to reciprocate any of that in the dating game especially when women are young. This often leads to dating throughout college and into the adult world that becomes frustrating and confusing.

Eventually we begin to wonder what a woman can bring to our lives. I think everyone understands that men generally desire sexual intimacy with women. So that is one thing we can't easily fill ourselves. So that's one thing.

The next thing men want is to be seen by their S.O. as "King of the Castle." Well that's no longer even considered reasonable to expect. Women have told us that they don't want to be homemakers and provide the system of support for us while we work outside the home. And that is a valid viewpoint, but that takes a part of what many men would like from a woman away. But we were trained to be our own support system (especially if we have lived alone for long), so we adapt.

Kids are often wanted by men. However with the divorce laws and horrific child support and occasionally alimony penalties. It seems like a bad bet on a coin toss that you loose half of what you have accumulated and 90% of your kids. So since fewer men have a "biological drive" for children, we drop that from our list.

The last thing would be companionship. And while this might be attainable with the right people, more often our companions are our same sex friends. This is simply because our same sex friends will be there throughout romantic relationships and often carry us through the rough times. So we have companions with our interests already, so this might not be needed.

So given these things, the only thing women seem to bring to the table is sex. And since sex is no longer the biggest taboo, some girls will have casual sex with little thought. So the pressure to marry is not there in order to get that need filled. And so the wisdom of the past that knew young men would trade their freedom for sex in the form of marriage is turned out. And then there are women that once they "have you" will use a man's sexual nature against him by withholding sex for some reason or other. And with the knowledge that sex can be had without marriage, and isn't guaranteed in marriage, many men simply would rather live as single since all the rewards seem to go to the woman and all the responsibility go to the man.

The Marriage/white picket fence was always the yoke that harnessed men's sexual drive, but it was incentivized by women being sweet, kind, loving and nurturing. However once the incentives were removed and sex was available outside of marriage, then men (when not "in love") weigh the ROI and decide, "why bother, I'll outsource the one need I can't get filled by myself to FWB or escorts and have a quiet, fun life.