“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 301 — “Apples and Oranges”

Hola! Welcome to yet another Season of The Real L Word, the greatest sociological experiment involving real life lesbians in the twenty first century. It is the greatest, because it is the only sociological experiment involving real life lesbians on television, and if you can’t have the one you love (because it is a figment of your imagination and would never get greenlit anyway), love the one you have! Love every forced orgasm, drunken mishap, and wresting match in squishy food that can be easily consumed by babies and the elderly – because without The Real L Word, we would have nothing.

I will be recapping this season. Don’t look so confused. This isn’t Dara. I’m the other Asian on the staff — the one based in New York. But don’t worry — Claire is nowhere to be seen, so neither one of us is in danger.

So let’s grab some dental dams and love it long time!

This season, professional lesbian Whitney returns with her dreads in tow — along with two of her former lovers who have now transitioned to full-fledged cast members: Romi and Sara. See, if you let Whitney into your underpants, you could get a promotion! The amazing sperm hunting couple, Corci, returns as well.

Two more guinea pigs have been added to the Los Angeles cast: east coast transplants Lauren and Amanda. They are two very very blonde guinea pigs who have been described in previews as “friends with benefits.” Amanda is in the process of moving from New York to live with Lauren, and we all know that hooking up with your best friend and roommate is a great idea — in the world of reality television and only in the world of reality television, that is — so don‘t try this at home. We don’t know why Amanda has decided to move to Los Angeles. Even if the move is completely inexplicable, it is a vast improvement from last season, where the producers tried to convince everyone that New York City didn’t have internet service so in order to start a website, one must move to Los Angeles.

Speaking of New York City, the Big Apple has been tossed into the pussy petri dish as well. Let’s hope it doesn’t rot. Joining the cast this season are Brooklyn residents Kiyomi, Somer, Veronica and Laura, otherwise known as the all girl punk rock band Hunter Valentine. They wear a lot of black and hair product. And they’re going to make it big — or die trying.

The episode opens with Romi telling us all that she is still sober and that she is madly in love. The camera cuts to Whitney, who tells us that she has been making appearances all over the country and that she – too – is madly in love. Whitney has moved out of the house she shared with her BFF Alyssa — and in with her boo. We don’t know who her boo is at this point, but the camera keeps cutting back and forth between her and Romi, and while we cross our fingers hoping that it isn’t Romi because that would just be a disaster, we know that all of the other alternatives — and there are a lot of them — would be equally disastrous, so really, Romi will do.

“I’m driving home, baby,” purrs Whitney into her cell phone.

“I’m driving home, too,” says an unidentified voice, which may or may not belong to Romi, but definitely belongs to a disaster waiting to happen.

Romi pulls up to her house and immediately strips down to a thong that appears to be constructed of dental floss. At this point, I’d suggest that she not bother with going through the motions of wearing underwear. Just go commando. It is easier on your sphincter, and if you are indeed attempting to have a monogamous relationship with Whitney, you should try to make the rest of your life easier and more comfortable.

Romi goes upstairs and waits seductively for her lover to appear. Whitney pulls up at a house in a brand new Lexus. Either those Real L Word appearances have been lucrative, or she became BFFs with Oprah. Whitney runs up the stairs…