School Life {Chapter 3 IS OUT!!!}

A girl Called Lilly That Was At a School Called Sliver-High-School,Then she changed her school to Gold-High-School cause she is genius(smart).Read The Story Below to Know More

Chapter 1

Spoiler:

I was at Silver-High-School Now i changed to Gold-High-School because I'm an A+ Student Im Good At Playing Brain games.I've entered Chess Competions And Got The First Place,Now You will See my life.This is my first day at Gold-High-School!!The School Uniform fits on me it matches my Crystal Blue Eyes with my Golden Hair It's Just Perfect! I made my hair wavy So it looks nice, I went to the Kitchen to eat breakfast,after i finished my mom tooked me to school.Today is my first day,I went to the English Class"Good Moring Students! There is a new smart student in our class her name is Lilly Please Tell Your Names To Her at the break"The Teacher Said.The teacher said for me to sit beside Zack.He was the cutest guy at school,He is Blond with green eyes.So I sat,The teacher was explaning the new lesson I was focusing with her,then I saw Zack was also focusing.The Teacher asked many hard questions,but me and Zack were the only students who were answering most of the questions,the bell rang,two girls came to me and one of them said your really lucky your beside Zack everyone loves him!another girl said "While you were answering the questions Zack was staring at you!" " OMG really i didnt notice"i said "lets see what is written in board"Click To See What is written on the board one of the girls called Julie "I think will ask you to be your prom date since he was staring at you" Julie Said "Ya Maybe" Katy Said so we went moving and talking Zack was always looking at me and i dont know why?The bell rang at art class the art teacher said "Ok today every boy will make a card asking a girl to be your prom date and the girls will check all the magazines and choose the perfect outfit" Zack started Making and i was checking i saw a blue Dress with daimonds with jewelry, hairstuff and shoes it was limited so i kept searching until i saw a card saying Click to see what is written "OMG!" I said for him ok i will.

Chapter 2:

Spoiler:

Few Days passed,There was Some Exams So I hardly open the computer,But I got Full mark!Zack did ,too! i was so amazed its my first i see a boy that smart! I went to Sleep .........The Next Day I wore the uniform and i letted my hair staright.I eatted breakfast,My mom was sick so I went walking I saw Katy And Julie Walking .I joined Them,While we were talking I said "Did You Know Zack Asked me to be his prom date!!" Katy Said Amazed "OMG! While I a Weird Guy Asked me!" Julie Said"Your really lucky since A NERD ASKED ME!" We Kept Talking.Until we reached school I saw Zack standing by the class door,I passed by him And went inside the class.I heard Popular Girls(which they are very mean!) saying Very mean things,I just ignored them.The Class Supervisor Came And Said "STUDENTS! Tomorrow Is the prom date make sure you bring the perfect outfit,have a prom date AND MOST OF ALL DON'T BE ABSENT....." She Kept Saying about the prom,Until She Finished The bell rang RINGGGGGGGGGGG two more subjects then recess Math then Science I said in my mind.suddenly The Math Teacher Gave us a pop quiz multiple choice,It took for me 5 mins "Done" I said i was the first one who finished then Zack,Katy,Julie ............. and the other students.The periods passed,Recess time I went with Katy and Julie.Julie said "Will you go with us to the mall to buy the prom outfit?" I said "Sure!" we completed taking as always,The bell rang I was moving Until Zack Bumped on me! I just blushed and Zack Said " S-Sorry for bumping" and went. When School Time Finished I headed to The Mall I saw Julie and Katy "You were 10 mins late!" Julie said,We Splited i went to a shop called Prom-O-Outfits,I searched and searched found the dress i saw in the magazine!Its blue Dress with daimonds with jewelry, hairstuff and shoes it was limited! And 50% Discount! only 50$ !! I bought it,I called Katy and Julie to Meet at a resturant.I showed them the outfit they were amazed how Pretty it is!After we finished eating, I went Home,I told mom about everything !She was proud of me for getting full marks in test.I went to sleep.

Chapter 3:

Spoiler:

Prom Party Came!!I'm So Excited.I took my prom outfit,and putted it in the school bag.I wore my school outfit,curled my hair at the bottom if my hair, and i wore my boots.I ate Breakfast,My mom drived me to the school .I saw Julie waiting for me an Katy,"Is This the first time that Katy is late?" I said "I don't Remember"She Replied we waited 5 more minutes,Katy came " Sorry For Being Late i was searching for my Prom Outfit" Katy Said,The Teacher Took the microphone and said " Students,9:30 Is The Prom Party So at the recess time you go change you clothes and the prom party will stay until 11:00" Every girl took her Outfit and putted it in the locker.The Periods passed fast! 40 mins each!!"Prom time" I said in my mind,I went and took my prom outfit, i headed to the bathroom to change.I wore my outfit and fixe my hair.When I finished I saw Katy and Julie Finished,There prom outfits look pretty."Oh My Gosh! Your outfit is very pretty!"Julie said " I know and it was limited and 50% discount!" I said "Your Really Lucky"Katy said.I saw Zack waiting for me, i went to him," You really look pretty today everything fits on you!" He Said "Well .... Thanks" I said.We danced,Lee The mean popular girl was so jealous,she love Zack she wanted him to be his prom date but i was his prom date,but i really didn't care,after the dance,he kissed my arm and said "I will go bring some drinks".I sat beside Julie and Katy,"Ugh The weird guy who is my prom date his dance weird! I just got embarassed " Julie said.I didn't say anything. I just saw on my BB a message,It was from Zack!"Dear Lillie,This is the time i tell you the truth.......... i always loved you,but i just wanna say that i will change my school" that was written in the message.I went away from my friends an cried I just replied " Well... I love you too but why are you will change your school?!?!??" everything was good but now its not .I Called my Mom to take me home.When my mom came she called me to meet outside.I met her and went home i just runned to my room and cried.i washed my face,And went to play on the laptop. I saw Zack was online in the Messenger.Lillie : Why you will change your school?!?!!?Zack is typing.....Zack : Sorry but my mom said and i don't know why!Lillie Is Typing......Lillie: Which school are going to?Zack is typing......Zack : I don't Know!Lillie Is Typing......Lillie : well its nice to meet you Bye Lillie Signed offAfter the talk i went to sleep

Last edited by Lillie on Sat Nov 26, 2011 1:46 am; edited 3 times in total

It's nice, lillie, I'm not saying it isn't but you know...all the grammar mistakes and stuff just makes it really hard to read. Especially with the small font.So why don't you give it a thorough reading, check all the mistakes (I'm lazy to check them lol) and then post it.You've got a good theme and story but there is plenty of room for improvement, okay? C:

There were some misspellings. Quite a few grammar mistakes (remember 'i' is capitalized if you're using it to represent yourself ex. I made breakfast)

The story didn't really seem to flow. It was very rigid in transitions to me. In the very first paragraph when you were telling the reader her accomplishments you just went and left that and got right into the school. No transition, just "my hair looks nice" and boom you're at the school. Also when you transition from place to place in a story, an author normally doesn't say l school l They will normally put in a few lines of emptiness or the next chapter (in this case it be empty lines). I mean we could easily see she was at school when the teacher exclaimed "Good morning".Also put a space behind punctuation, makes things less jumbled and easier to read.

To make it more realistic I suggest you don't have the teacher out right say she's a smart girl, let the students find out themselves when she makes great grades in all her classes. I can also tell that you aren't in highschool. Teachers don't have everyone introduce themselves normally. They barely even introduce the new student. Also can I get a specific time of the school year? I assume it's later on seeing as Prom is normally around late winter to mid-spring time (February to March). Oh and, a person normally doesn't say 'lol' outloud, maybe they make a 'lul' sound but not L O L XD

That's all I have for now. I'm sure when Taost gets on she will add in her two-cents. Other then that very well cone ^^

There were some misspellings. Quite a few grammar mistakes (remember 'i' is capitalized if you're using it to represent yourself ex. I made breakfast)

The story didn't really seem to flow. It was very rigid in transitions to me. In the very first paragraph when you were telling the reader her accomplishments you just went and left that and got right into the school. No transition, just "my hair looks nice" and boom you're at the school. Also when you transition from place to place in a story, an author normally doesn't say l school l They will normally put in a few lines of emptiness or the next chapter (in this case it be empty lines). I mean we could easily see she was at school when the teacher exclaimed "Good morning".Also put a space behind punctuation, makes things less jumbled and easier to read.

To make it more realistic I suggest you don't have the teacher out right say she's a smart girl, let the students find out themselves when she makes great grades in all her classes. I can also tell that you aren't in highschool. Teachers don't have everyone introduce themselves normally. They barely even introduce the new student. Also can I get a specific time of the school year? I assume it's later on seeing as Prom is normally around late winter to mid-spring time (February to March). Oh and, a person normally doesn't say 'lol' outloud, maybe they make a 'lul' sound but not L O L XD

That's all I have for now. I'm sure when Taost gets on she will add in her two-cents. Other then that very well cone ^^

You took everything out of my mouth, so it's not possible.-Your plot is way too quick. Slow down the rising action, please. I don't see why you're capitalizing almost every other word. Also, I'm sure a child wouldn't just scream out "OMG!" right in front of everyone. They would probably say, "Oh my God!". And you're supposed to but a space after a comma, or everything is just like, "Today I went to school,it was nice,regular,and smooth. But guess what? Kyle was there,he was so hot!" and just like all jdasjdjfdsak jumbled up. Please don't put abbreviations in your story such as, "Mins". Emotes in stories are annoying, too. They're not even supposed to be in one unless it's a chat. If you want to show their expression, just simply put their feelings or actions after what they said.ex. "R-really?" Emma said, blushing. "I'd love to!".Numbers 1-10 are supposed to be written in word form. And whenever a character takes a break while talking, you either put a comma, period, exclamation point, or question mark and just put who said it and simply put the rest of their little speech. (blargh i cant explain it..)ex. "I hate you," Ryan said, and threw the bag at him. "don't ever talk to me again."^dramabombbololololololBut I really like your story, keep it up.

Can I make some corrections? red= spelling mistakesBold and blue= '.' or ' or ',' neededItalized and Underlined= capital/no capital needed

chapter 1:

I was at Silver-High-School. Now i changed to Gold-High-School because I'm an A+ Student.I'm Good At Playing Brain games.I've entered Chess Competions And Got The First Place,Now You will See my life.This is my first day at Gold-High-School!!The School Uniform fits on me.it matches my Crystal Blue Eyes with my Golden Hair .It's Just Perfect! I made my hair wavy So it looks nice, I went to the Kitchen to eat breakfast,after i finished my mom tooked me to school.Today is my first day,I went to the English Class"Good Moring Students! There is a new smart student in our class her name is Lilly. Please Tell Your Names To Her at the break" The Teacher Said.The teacher said for me to sit beside Zack.He was the cutest guy at school,He is Blond with green eyes.So I sat,The teacher was explaning the new lesson I was focusing with her,then I saw Zack was also focusing.The Teacher asked many hard questions,but me and Zack were the only students who were answering most of the questions,the bell rang,two girls came to me and one of them said, you're really luckyyou're beside Zack everyone loves him! another girl said "While you were answering the questions Zack was staring at you!" " OMG really ididn't notice"i said "lets see what is written in board"Click To See What is written on the board one of the girls called Julie "I think will ask you to be your prom date since he was staring at you" Julie Said "Ya Maybe" Katy Said so we went moving and talking Zack was always looking at me and i dont know why?The bell rang at art class the art teacher said "Ok today every boy will make a card asking a girl to be your prom date and the girls will check all the magazines and choose the perfect outfit" Zack started Making and i was checking i saw a blue Dress with daimonds with jewelry, hairstuff and shoes it was limited so i kept searching until i saw a card saying Click to see what is written "OMG!" I said for him ok i will.

Okay, no, never mind. I just read the first sentence, and exposition is something I need to discuss with you. You never start a story like this. Never. Have you ever walked down a street, minding your own business, when a hyperactive child is suddenly all up in your face, explicitly detailing every detail of his short and sugar-high-tainted life? No? Just me? Well, ma'am, let me tell you what you're thinking at the moment: Why should I care? And indeed, why should we care that your main character went to such-and-such high school and is good at such-and-such games and she's a stuck-up brat? Answer: we shouldn't. Please, get something interesting to hold our attention. And always show, not tell (well, there are a few occasions where telling is good, but the lead isn't one of them).

Oh, wow, every single sentence here has a different something I could spend paragraphs ranting about. You are pushing the character's appearance in our faces. You do not think like this. You do not think of your hair as golden when you're just trying on a uniform. She's a pretty girl, we get it. But your description immediately reeks of Mary Sue.

Wait, is this story in the present tense or in the past tense? Dear God. No offence, but where did you learn English? I recognise some of these speech patterns and mistakes. The first-graders at my school have them. If you don't know me, I'm a Mexican girl. The first-graders at my school are all native Spanish speakers on their third year of English education. This is not a compliment. I doubt you're a native English speaker and I congratulate you on trying something as ambitious as writing a story, but I beg of you, get a proof-reader.

Woah, wait, now what's happening? Every new speaker needs a new paragraph. These girls are cookie-cutter, they have no personality. They're flat. Now, seeing how they're tertiary characters at best, I won't bother you about it, but the problem is that your main character acts exactly like them except for some self-declared intelligence.

Also, when is this? Why is every event layered on top of each other? The boy is also not a character. He's just there to be a love interest, and his thought processes are a complete and utter mystery to the reader. Why would he fall in love after just one period?

You know, I'm starting to suspect this might actually be the hallucination of a woman in an insane asylum, hence the odd, jaggy, nightmarish combination of upper and lower case letters and the continued empathic declarations of the main character's intelligence. She believes whatever she wants to believe.

Maybe you could add detail to the character's personalities? Like perhaps Zack and Lilly could share an interest, like music, or a trait, like being stubborn? That would provide more of a reason as to why they like each-other and want to continue the relationship.

Your story is interesting. I think you should make paragraph breaks for each paragraph. That way, it won't be so confusing. Also, keep in mind that you should never,under any circumstance, capititalize common nouns. Your story sounds too fast. I think you could dig deeper into the character's feelings and emotions. I'd give your story a 7/10 though. :]