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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Last year I posted about my 2015 Theme Song. Now I've always thought of a theme song for the year, but last year was the first time I posted it on my blog. But I truly loved it and I think you did too (that probably a lie) so I'm sharing it with you again.

This year I have two, but one is for me and the other is specifically for this blog. So here they are, my 2016 theme songs!

Let's start with the one specifically for this blog.

CHANGE BY CARRIE UNDERWOOD

I believe I mentioned that I am bringing back Charity of the Month in 2016. This has always been something I wanted but it's hard because being completely broke myself I don't feel like I'm doing anything.

Starting this year it's going to be a little different though. I will have one main charity featured a month that will be highlighted on the side of my blog. However, the last time I did Charity of the Month I actually got emails asking if their charity could be featured, so I'm going to have an ongoing list of charities that you suggest and care about. And if you do have a charity, you are more than welcome to contact me about writing a guest post on my blog all about your charity.

I know that my personal income can't make much of a difference, but if we all group together I truly believe we can make a change for the better. That is why Carrie Underwood's brilliant song is the theme song for The Dancing Cow this year as we make Charity of the Month stronger.

TOMORROW NEVER COMES BY ZAC BROWN BAND

About two months ago I had my miscarriage and when I went back to work it was... just the worst. That first week I came back I would often leave my desk to cry in the bathroom or simply just cry at my desk. I was a wreck. So one of those days I began to cry, thinking about the baby I had lost, and this song came on. I don't know how or why but I immediately stopped crying and really listened to it, taking in the words.

This is my personal theme song for this year. Things happen that can make or break us, but as long as we live each day to the fullest then we'll be able to make it through. This year is about getting things done. No more procrastinating, no more laziness, no more waiting for the right time, NOW is the right time.

I'm not going to put things off anymore. I can be happy now and I need to stop waiting for it to happen. I made a goal years ago that I would do things that make me happy, but I keep putting things off because it doesn't feel like the right time. "I'M GONNA LIVE MY LIFE LIKE TOMORROW NEVER COMES" I can be happy, I can be successful, I can be who I want to be right now and I need to stop putting it off.

Last year was so hard for me. Depression hit me hard all year long and then my miscarriage nearly killed me. But I have high hopes for this year. When we are at our lowest, there's no place left but up. This year is going to be amazing for both me and my blog and I hope you stick around to see it all.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Hello my friends! This page is going to be a mess for a while... probably until January. I'm moving things around and getting things ready for the exciting things to come in 2016. So please forgive the mess and have a wonderful Christmas!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I mentioned a while ago that I'm not really happy and it's just hard for me to be happy. But I wanted to write a Happy Tuesday post anyways just about my husband.

I'm kind of a wreck, this week especially. I'm so emotional and randomly switching between anger and sadness, I'm honestly a little crazy right now. And despite my craziness, Chris is doing his best to help me through everything. How he tolerates, and accommodates my mood swings I will never understand. I'm a little broken right now, and he makes everyday so much easier.

I am so grateful to have a husband who does everything he can to make me happy, and when he knows he can't do anymore, he encourages me to seek other help. I love Chris, he is my soulmate, and my best friend and I had no idea that anyone could ever love me the way he does.

Chris makes me so happy. Every Happy Tuesday Chris is included on my list of things that make me happy because he is it. He's the thing that makes me happy. Even though my miscarriage has broken me and it's so hard right now for me to be happy, I know that if I didn't have Chris in my life I would not survive this. Chris saved my life and he brings me so much happiness.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Isn't it especially cool that we celebrate a holiday every year specifically focused on gratitude? Okay, so I don't think at the original Thanksgiving feast they were thinking: "And thus, every year on the last Thursday of November the people of this land shall have a feast much like ours. They will gorge themselves with food and give thanks for the many blessings which they have received in the past year. And then, when their feasting is through and their gratitude has been expressed, they shall camp out at the mall for some killer sales."

That's totally how pilgrims talked, by the way.

No, but when you really think about it this is such a cool holiday! And even if you don't have family around, don't get to have a great big feast, isn't it amazing to think about the blessings you do have?

I've had a really rough year. In April a friend of mine passed away, the entire summer I was battling with depression and harmful thoughts, in August I learned my brother was no longer going to church, on my birthday three weeks ago I had my first ever surgery for my miscarriage, I've had a life-long struggling with self image and I'm currently at my highest weight and hating myself, and this week has been stressful beyond belief (that will possibly be explained in a later post).

I think it's so easy to focus on the negative things in our lives. Living with depression it's incredibly easy. Depression manipulates your brain. Depression makes me believe things that aren't true. Depression is like a black hole inside of me, a darkness that I can't ever fully get rid of, but can just find light to drown it out.

But around this time I'm always able to fight the negatives and really think about what's good in my life.

I've gotten really far in my book writing. I'm learning how to run and training for a 5k. I was able to get pregnant and know in my heart I will be able to get pregnant again. I got an awesome new hairdo. I was able to renew my faith in my religion and in God. I have a family that always loves and supports me. And I have a husband who makes me happier than anything else in the world, and this week he surprised me with a big present (which is actually the thing that caused me so much stress, but it's the sweetest gesture in the world and you will learn about it at some point).

I have a habit of focusing on negatives, but I know I am blessed. I have been blessed my whole life. Despite my depression, I've lived an incredibly fortunate life. I've always been able to have a home, have food on the table, and be surrounded by people who love and care about me. I know there are so many people in the world who aren't nearly as blessed as me. Sometimes it makes me feel even spoiled. But I guess that's why Charity of the Month is coming back next year, so I can feel like I'm giving back to others.

This is such a wonderful time of the year! There is so much chaos in the world but when we sit down and think it through, we all have blessings to count.

I hope you all have been having a wonderful Thanksgiving! Don't forget to share your gratitude for those in your life and for the things you have. I would love to hear about what you are most grateful for this year so feel free to leave a comment below with a list of your blessings. You can read mine from my Happy Tuesday post found HERE.

I love all my readers. I am truly grateful for each and every one of you because you make me smile and bring me happiness. You keep me going. I love you and I hope you are all having a wonderful day.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

If you saw my post on Saturday, you may know that I am not entirely happy. But it's the week of Thanksgiving and I truly do have so much to be grateful for. So in the fashion of my typical Happy Tuesday posts, here's a list of the things I am grateful for... which also bring me happiness.

Family that loves me unconditionally

Friends that stay by my side through everything

Chris (oh my goodness, so super grateful for Chris, for forever)

This song for helping me through anything and everything and giving me my life-long mantra

Monday, November 23, 2015

People (mainly just family) have been asking me what I want for Christmas and I haven't been able to figure it out. But I decided a few things that I want and honestly can't think of much else I would need. So here goes!

A Vlogging Camera

This is the main thing I want. Some of you may have already discovered my YouTube channel (which hasn't had any activity in months and kind of sucks so if you haven't subscribed I totally understand). My original intention for this channel was to do vlogs and I even filmed one with Chris for our anniversary activities (back in May) but my camera was so bad basically none of the footage was good enough for me. The problem with this on my wishlist is that I cannot for the life of me figure out what would be best. I do love the cameras that allow you to flip the screen so you can see yourself while filming yourself. I have super shaky (and often sweaty) hands basically all the time so cameras that are easy to hold and keep steady are essential for me. And I want one that has a good microphone, good picture, and would be easy to upload to my computer. I've looked up lots of cameras but I just can't make a decision.

Whether or not this is gifted to me, I do intend on getting a vlogging camera soon and 2016 will be the year of vlogging for me and Chris.... mainly just me vlogging Chris being his adorable self. Like a while ago when he was driving me to zumba and he was saying he could teach zumba and started showing off his moves while driving. Literally, I cannot blog enough stories of his awesomeness without them sounding flat and fake, which is why I need to be secretly filming him, which is how all good marriages work.

I wanted this last year but didn't tell anyone and was too poor/stingy to buy it myself (but I think I will buy it myself this year if I don't get it for Christmas). This journal is awesome! It asks you a question everyday and you can just write a short sentence answer, but it's for five years so the next year on the same day you answer the same question and see how your life has changed. This is soooo good for someone like me who loves to write and has a lot of emotions but can never consistently write in a journal. It's answering one question a day, which I can totally do! And while I have this blog to do it as well, seeing how your answers change each year just sounds amazing to me! I'm so excited to get this to start in 2016!!

Another book, this one written by my idol, hero, and girl crush, the fabulous Demi Lovato. I also wanted this last year but it never happened (I'm so lazy and just don't tell people what I want). This book is amazing! I've seen it at a store and looked through it and knew I needed it. It has a different quote, story from Demi, and a goal for each day. Demi Lovato's story helps me to deal with my depression, she is my role model and she has already helped me so much. This book will be perfect as I try to start over in 2016 from my miscarriage, a summer of depression, and other negatives from 2015. And again, whether or not it's gifted to me, it's definitely time for me to have this book.

Besides vlogging, my YouTube channel is also meant to be about things I enjoy, which includes hair and makeup (the only things on the channel so far). Demi Lovato (see, I'm obsessed with her) has created her own skincare line and I've done a lot of research on it. I want this... a lot. I've already been participating (sometimes) in her #NoMakeupMonday because I, like her, believe that women need to embrace their real beauty. And if you've ever seen Demi's #NMM photos you'll have seen that her skin is absolutely flawless, and a lot of that is because of her skincare line. Honestly, who wouldn't want to have skin like Demi Lovato?

Workout Clothes

As I mentioned last week, I am kicking my gym habit into gear. I worked out 3 days last week which is a big accomplishment for me. I'm working towards actually being able to run (because I literally cannot run) and hope to run a 5k with Chris this next summer (unless I get pregnant and the pregnancy prevents me from running a 5k... honestly my real Christmas want is to have a baby, but we'll see how that goes). Besides running, I want to get back into dancing. I have always, always, ALWAYS wanted to teach dance and it's honestly just stupid that I'm not. I'm currently so out of shape and inflexible that dance isn't really happening right now, but I'm going to make it happen soon. I'm going to dance and teach dance. That's the goal. So obviously I need cute clothes to wear while getting fit.

Clothes in General

What girl doesn't want more clothes?!? I have been struggling lately with my current wardrobe because of the fact I'm at my highest weight, my short pregnancy did give me a slight belly, and most my clothes I've had since high school. So I'm always looking for new additions to my wardrobe because I also want to keep up with #FashionFriday posts on this blog. This is not a fashion blog, but clothes and style are something I like so I want to have Fridays to show off my wardrobe, but I have to like my wardrobe first (and not work during the only sunlight in these winter months making it nearly impossible to take good photos because I can't do it in the dark outside and the lighting in my apartment is awful). I love clothes, Chris says I have too many, but I like having options. Clothes are always on my wishlist.

What things are on your Christmas Wishlist? Let me know in the comments below!

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Last Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Womens called "How Do I Know If I Am Being Converted?" I think when you're like me, and you are born and raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's hard to think that you yourself have to go through a conversion. I often would think, I was raised this way, it's who I am, I don't have to put as much work into it.

The last few years have changed my perspective on that entirely.

For my lesson I typed up my story and read it to my class. I knew I couldn't freestyle my story without crying so I had written it all down. Conveniently, it makes it a lot easier to share my story on here as well.

So here is my story:

"For the past few years my relationship with the gospel has been difficult. I could never deny the gospel, but I wasn't fully committed to it. I'm sure you have noticed it as well, but I had a hard time going to church every week, I only seemed to pray when I needed something, and I never read my scriptures.

When I got called into young womens I wanted to change and my brain kept telling me to be here but I just never could fully commit myself and I wasn't ever sure why.

A few months ago two significant things happened in my life, both at the same time. First, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. And second, my mom called me to tell me my younger brother, Nick, had said he lost his testimony and was no longer going to go to church.

Both of these were huge for me. I have wanted to be a mother for so long and I was so excited that it was finally happening. But having Nick, who is one of my best friends lose his testimony broke my heart. When my mom first told me I felt angry with him. Mainly because I knew how much it was hurting my mom. My dad has been inactive for a few years so my mom is the only one left at home going to church. She's told me that she sits alone and she cries almost every week because she wishes that Nick or my dad would be there with her.

But I realized I couldn't actually be angry with Nick when my own testimony had been struggling for years. Deciding to stop going to church had never really felt like an option for me, but hearing that my brother had made that decision changed things.

I started to think about how I wanted my life to be, not just for myself, but for my baby. I thought about how even though my testimony hadn't been strong for a long time, I loved growing up in the gospel, and my testimony of the gospel had never really faded. I realized how badly I wanted my baby to grow up in a home focused on the gospel.

As I went through the beginning of my pregnancy I had a really hard time with sickness and found myself praying more often and even received a priesthood blessing. I began praying everyday that my baby would grow stronger and be protected. I also prayed for myself to become better, that I would keep up my daily prayers and start going to church every single week. I started listening to General Conference talks every morning as I got ready for work and slowly I could feel myself changing.

As you heard, last week I lost my baby and while this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life, the moment I heard the news I felt so calm and positive. I cried like crazy and have cried basically every day since it happened, but I have continually felt calm and positive as well. I know that someday I'm going to be a mother and I know that I will see my baby again someday, and most importantly I know that the reason I've felt so calm is because my Father in Heaven is looking out for me.

These past few months have started a huge change in my life and I truly have felt myself becoming more converted in the gospel. It's a process that will probably still take some time, but this time around I'm more committed. For the first time in a long time I want to be at church every Sunday and I want to make sure I take the sacrament every week.

I had been struggling for so long I had forgotten how incredible it is to continually feel the peace and happiness the gospel brings. This last week has been awful for me but I know that if this had happened before I committed to changing myself, I would not be able to recover from it. The only reason that this experience isn't tearing me apart is because I made a choice months ago that I would change myself to be stronger in the gospel. And I have been changing and I still am.

I love being a member of this church. I love the prophet and his counselors. I love our bishop in this ward who came to my apartment the night I learned of my miscarriage and reminded me "Things happen for a reason." I was called into young womens for a reason. I got pregnant when I did for a reason. And I committed to make a change when I did for a reason.

I don't know how much longer it will take for me to be truly converted, but I am so grateful that I have decided to make this change. I love who I am becoming and I wouldn't have it any other way."

As always, if you would like to learn more about my LDS faith, please feel free to email me at thedancingcowblog@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer any questions or direct you to someone else who can.

If you would also like a copy of the Book of Mormon, send me an email and I will get one sent to you. Thanks!

Saturday, November 21, 2015

I'm not happy. It's hard for me to be happy. Chris can make me happy for a while, but it's just like putting up an umbrella, it doesn't actually make the storm go away. I've spent years learning how to live with depression, then one thing happens and everything I've learned falls apart. I can't do this on my own, and that scares me. I've always fought this on my own. Sometimes the hardest part of knowing you have a problem, is finding help for that problem. I'm not happy, but I know I'm going to be again. I know that I'll be okay someday. That I will have a child someday and this miscarriage won't be as real anymore, just a memory, just a learning experience. It's hard to be happy, but I'm not giving up.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Hello friends! If you saw my last post you know that I've set some new goals for myself and one of them is to be healthier. Today is a Monday so what better day to start making a change for the better.

I would love for all of you to join me on my health/weight loss journey. Keep in mind, one of my main goals is to get pregnant again so weight loss, at least the goal weight I'm wanting, may not happen for a while if I get pregnant again.

For this go around I am planning on eating healthier and eating a good amount of calories each day. I will be going to the gym every night after work, starting with slow simple exercises at first and moving from there. There isn't a set plan to what I'll be doing on a daily basis but I would love for you to join me anyways in reaching your goals.

To help me achieve my goals I have two apps that I am using. For my birthday Chris gave me the Fitbit Charge HR
. I have been loving it so far! I am using the Fitbit app to track my steps, sleep, and an estimated calories burnt for the day. Because I do not like how Fitbit tracks their food diary, I am also using My Fitness Pal. I absolutely love this app for tracking what I eat. What's especially nice is that these apps can be linked together, so in using My Fitness Pal, it will automatically subtract calories burnt from my Fitbit. It's genius and I love the way they can work together like that.

It is always easier to lose weight when you have friends helping you out. I will be tweeting about my experiences and you can check those out by following me on Twitter @cowgirl_kaylee. You can also friend me on My Fitness Pal and see my progress on there. My username is CowgirlKayls. You can find me on the Fitbit app as well, however I will not accept challenges from people I don't know (at least not at this time, maybe we can do a challenge all together someday though).

I've been through a lot recently and am still going through a difficult time but I'm committed to changing myself for the better. I've already been working on a change spiritually (more on that later), and I feel it's time I started working on the change physically. I love who I am and I'm continually working on growing a better self-image, and I truly believe this journey will help me to become the person I want to be and only make me love myself more.

I love you all and hope to hear about your weight loss or getting healthy experiences as well. And in case you didn't know... I have red hair now. :)

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Last Wednesday was my 25th birthday. Normally I announce it on here because I LOVE birthdays, especially my own (does that make me vain?). But this year I didn't do anything because it's easy to forget when you're in the hospital most of the day getting surgery for your miscarriage.

PS, as for the miscarriage, the only way I can explain it to people is saying "I'm okay, but I'm not okay at the same time." I'm slowly getting better everyday. Today was the first day I didn't break out in tears at work (yay progress!!) but I'm getting there. I know someday I will be a mother, but it breaks my heart that I can no longer say it's happening in April. I just really want to be a mother...

Anyways, I'm 25 now. A few months ago my dad and grandma were talking about how I was turning 25 and they were saying how I was about a quarter done with my life, then they asked what I was going to do with the next quarter of my life. My answer was to make lots of money.

It's partially true, but I do have other goals for my life, so here they are.

To become a mother.

I want this so badly. I've wanted it for years, I dreamed about it as a teenager, I love kids so ridiculously much. I have no doubts it will happen for me, and it will probably happen soon, but it's at the top of my priority list. I want a family and I know Chris and I are ready, but I do trust the Lord and his timing. He will help us have a family when He knows we're truly ready. It hurts that I want it so badly now, but I have to be patient.

To do more with this blog to help people.

This week while working, trying not to think about my lost baby, I've been thinking a lot about how I can make Charity of the Month work better on this blog. I have new ideas and starting in January it will start up again. Not only with Charity of the Month, I plan on doing a new service project every month. That may not start in January, I'm still figuring out the details of it, but I want it to happen. I am truly blessed and it hurts to hear about other people and their trials. Yes, I have depression; yes, I just suffered a miscarriage; but I have two families that love me and a husband who makes me happier than anything or anyone ever has before. I am so fortunate, not with money, but with blessings and love, and I want to give back to those less fortunate than I.

To help others with depression.

I have a story and I'm ready to share it. I want my story with depression to be heard and to hopefully help others with depression learn that it can be overcome and dealt with. I'm certain I will never truly get over my depression, it's something that comes back again and again, but I know I'm strong enough to fight it. I'm a warrior, and I want to share my story and hopefully have it help others to become warriors too.

To make money.

I suppose this is more, to save money. My problem is not always making money, it's keeping my husband from spending it on fast food and Monster Energy Drinks (sorry for ratting you out Chris, but you know it's true). Part of me has felt that this miscarriage gives me the chance to make sure I have enough money to provide for my child. I have been stressed and terrified over the last few months trying to figure out how I would be able to afford things for my baby. While I would much rather have kept my baby, I feel like this is an opportunity to start over and make sure everything can be perfect.

To get healthy.

I'll be completely honest here, I eat so unhealthily. I also don't work out. And tonight my scale proved that this is not working out for me anymore. Now I would love to lose a lot of weight and get back down to where I used to be. I know it's possible and I plan on doing it, but getting pregnant is my first priority, so I'm not going to lose a ton of weight while pregnant, so this may be put off a bit, depending on how things work out. But getting healthy can be easily achieved, pregnant or not. I got a Fitbit for my birthday this year I love being able to see my heart rate, how many steps I take a day, and an estimation of the calories I have burned. I plan on using my gym membership more (because how can I make money if I spend it on stuff I don't use?) and plan out more of my meals, so I'm not eating out all the time. This is one of the more difficult goals for me because of depression and self-image issues, but I believe in myself and Chris is ready to help as well.

To be happy.

A few years ago I wrote a post about why I was leaving college. The main reason was because of how miserable it made me. Living with depression is incredibly difficult sometimes and college was completely draining me of happiness. After that I made a life goal, to do things that make me happy. I left college to make me happy. I got a full-time job to make me happy. I got pregnant to make me happy. Well the fact is, I am no longer happy. I promised myself I would only do things that would make me happy and I'm failing at it. I need a change and I'm going to do everything in my power to only do the things that will keep me happy.

25 feels kind of old to me, but I'm excited for the new opportunities and changes it'll bring (like being able to rent a car!). Also, I love you guys. Thank you for your love and support during this difficult time in my life. This miscarriage was so unexpected and so difficult and it will probably take a while for me to heal emotionally and I have truly appreciated your love as I'm coping with this. You're all amazing and I love you!

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I talk a lot on this blog about my struggle with depression, and how it's so difficult because I feel so dark and sad for no apparent reason. But one of the main reasons I talk about it so much is because I hope my story inspires people. I have a lengthy post planned about my whole depression story, how I cope with it, and how I find happiness in spite of the darkness I feel inside. This is not that post. This is a story of heartbreak that is real, that's tangible, and I also hope can inspire others.

Weeks ago I announced my pregnancy on my blog. Getting pregnant changed a lot of things about me and my perspective on life. I was so truly happy, a happiness that is hard to come by in my depression twisted life.

But then, on November 2nd, I had some spotting and the fear crept in. I was sitting at work, listening to music, trying to block out all the terrifying thoughts that were going through my mind. I barely talked to anyone that day, just feeling so scared but trying to remain as calm as possible. I did my research during my lunch break and as soon as work was over. All the pregnancy articles said a little spotting was okay, that unless it lasted, the baby was probably fine. But I still kept feeling terrified that something would happen to my baby.

That night I began experiencing cramps and my fear only grew. I immediately went to sleep to let my body relax and to forget about what I was feeling. I woke up several times that night, each time feeling so scared something was wrong. I made a decision that as soon as my doctor's office opened in the morning I would make a call.

Morning came and I woke earlier than usual. I spent my extra time doing my hair and makeup, something that's always been a good distraction for me and made me happy, even if just a little bit. I called in and it wasn't until I started explaining to the nurse what was happening that my emotions truly hit. I started to cry, and even though she tried to comfort me, said she would pray for me and that my baby would be fine, I just knew something was wrong. My emotions were just as messy when I called my boss to tell her I would be coming in late, or call back if I got different information.

Before going in I texted all my family, Chris's family, and my best friend and we asked them to pray for the baby and that we would keep them updated. I could already feel so much love and support no matter what the outcome would be.

Chris and I drove in to the doctor's office at the hospital. Wait time was fairly short and we were seen by the on-call doctor, as my usual doctor was out that day. They took us straight to the ultrasound room and I laid down. The image of my baby popped up on the screen, smaller than what it should be at 17 weeks. And as he looked for a heartbeat, there was none.

My baby was gone.

As the doctor told me there was no heartbeat I understood what he meant, but I couldn't process it. I just laid there, my mind unable to comprehend how or why this had happened. The doctor left the room leaving Chris and me alone. Chris had come to my side the second the heartbeat was missing and had grabbed my hand, but as we were left alone he leaned over me in a hug and told me how sorry he was.

It was only the second time I had seen my husband cry.

A different doctor came in and briefly explained my options. We scheduled for me to come back later that day to get everything sorted. The doctors left once more and I truly began to cry. This was happening for real. My baby was gone. Chris held me for who knows how long, just letting my cry into his chest and shedding a few tears himself.

We left the hospital and went home. Chris called my boss again and told them the news, me being way too emotional to talk to anyone. I texted my mom and told her. She immediately offered to drive up and be with me and I agreed it would be best. My mom had suffered five miscarriages of her own, who better to help me deal with this than her? I texted others to let them know the news (thank goodness for texting when you're too emotional to call) and we were immediately met with such love.

Chris and I laid in our bed in silence. He held me while I cried. He gave me my birthday present early, a stuffed animal Toothless, so I could squeeze it and feel comforted even more. My mom arrived about two hours later and the tears came again as she held me and told me her experience.

Despite my tears, I felt so calm and positive through the whole ordeal.

We went back to the doctors and I was given my options. I opted to get the surgery the next day, on my birthday, because despite wanting to doing fun things and be happy on my birthday, I knew if this was on my mind I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything that day.

That night was a whirlwind of visitors. My sister drove up and offered to stay a few days, as she works online. My bishopric came and gave me a blessing, my incredible bishop reminding me a few times, "Everything happens for a reason." The Young Women's president I serve with came by and brought me flowers and a card signed by the rest of the leaders and some of our girls. My best friend and her family had gorgeous flowers delivered to my apartment. I could hardly comprehend the kindness and love that I was experiencing.

I woke up November 4th, the day of my birthday, unable to think of anything but my upcoming surgery. I had never had surgery before and I was scared, but in my priesthood blessing the day before I had been comforted. Again, I felt oddly calm and positive despite my sadness.

We were at the hospital for what felt like days. My fear of needles made an IV terrifying for me and my mom held my hand as they put it in, once in my hand to draw blood, then in my elbow as it had fallen out of my hand.

Chris is my rock. He made jokes, he looked out for me, and he kept me as happy as he could. And having my mom and sister there made it easier as well.

I woke up after the surgery in a daze, never having been under anesthesia before. I remained in recovery for a while before being wheeled back to my family. Chris came to my side and I said what was truly on my mind after having the surgery done, "Our baby is really gone now." and Chris comforted me the best he could.

Everything before leaving the hospital was a daze of bleeding, throwing up, and nearly falling asleep. My mom had to leave but Chris and Michelle stayed and made sure I was taken care of. I was wheeled out of the hospital and we drove home. Michelle ran a few errands for me as Chris let me lay on the couch, comforting me as I began drifting off again due to blood loss. When Michelle got back I forced some food in me and began to feel more awake and stable.

Michelle and I spent the night in my bed watching Legally Blonde and The Office, Chris bringing me more food anytime I asked for it. Soon I went to sleep, Chris holding me to comfort me, my new Toothless in my arms as well.

Then I woke up and now I'm here. Typing this.

It's a long story but it's an important one. My blog has never been one to shy away from the harsh reality of life. I talk about depression and anxiety, and I knew I had to talk about this.

During my pregnancy my relationship with my religion grew. I realized how much I depended on my Father in Heaven as he helped me through morning sickness and other struggles. I had made a resolution to be better with my church attendance and my calling. This resolution has only grown stronger with my current trial.

I have felt such peace and positivity through this whole thing. While at moments it's difficult for me to comprehend why I'm feeling so calm after losing my first child, I know it's my Heavenly Father blessing me with the strength to try again.

I have no doubt that Chris and I will have kids of our own someday. This little one... our little pumpkin, had a different purpose. "Everything happens for a reason." We were not meant to kept this one, but we both know we will see our little one again someday in Heaven.

I'm still heartbroken, I'm still trying to cope, recovering from something I never imagined would have happened. But I have such an incredible support system. My family, friends, and Father in Heaven have me in their thoughts. I have felt so much love it's difficult to comprehend at times. I know that this experience was given to me to make me stronger, to teach me something, although I can't find the lesson yet.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I have had to be pregnant. I already miss my little pumpkin so much my heart aches, but I already feel stronger because of this trial. I'm grateful for my family and friends and the love and support I have been given. Thank you to my blog readers for your kind words you always give me. Most of all, thank you to Chris, my soulmate, my rock, and the love of my life. I could not deal with this without him. He saved me from depression before, and he help save me from this heartbreak as well.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Umm... I'm sure some of you may have realized, I did not post anything yesterday. Blogging everyday for a month is hard.

However, this brings up something I've been thinking about lately.

What I want more than anything for Christmas or my birthday next month is a vlogging camera. A camera I can easily carry around to start vlogging the random moments of my life that I enjoy. I love watching vlogs on YouTube and I want to be a part of that. But it's also important to me not to let it change me.

Some of my favorite vloggers seem to record every second of their life. That's not what I want. I want to live my life and share only the most important things with you. I cannot allow myself to vlog daily because life is for living, not for showing the world what you do with your day.

I am not upset about not blogging yesterday. I know I made a promise, I know I wanted to keep up with this, but I spent yesterday living my life. I went to a farm with my in-laws, went on a hay ride, picked out a pumpkin, went through a corn maze, and carved pumpkins with family.

Life is for living.

I had such a wonderful day yesterday and even if it meant missing a day of Blogtober I'd rather live my life than worry about blogging about it.

Friday, October 16, 2015

So I don't have an outfit post for you today. I feel like my stomach kind of popped out this week (or I've been eating too much popcorn) but I'm still a little insecure about showing it. It doesn't necessarily look like pregnancy yet, more like weight gain, so I'm not ready for fashion posts yet.

However, I am going to start taking weekly photos to see the change in my stomach and I will be posting those.

Because I'm not doing my own style yet, I'm going to be showing you some of my favorite maternity fashion posts from other blogs.

This girl has some of the cutest, and simple maternity style posts. I love how it all just looks so comfy and cute. A lot of her posts for her second pregnancy include oversized sweaters, and if this year we have a typical Utah winter, I could easily wear oversized sweaters for most of my pregnancy. And that sounds just wonderful to me. Her most recent ones also include her adorable daughter so they are even more fun to look at.

Courtney from A+ Life is one of my favorite bloggers. I feel as if we have similar blogging styles, very open and honest just talking about life. She's not necessarily a fashion blogger, but she does the occasional fashion post (again, kind of like me). I like her maternity style a lot. Again it's very laid back, just comfy and casual. She's also just the sweetest person I've never met or actually really talked to and she had two absolutely adorable daughters. If you haven't found her blog yet, you really should take a look.

I grew up with Kalee from Fred Rongo, I love her to death, she was part of the inspiration to do fashion on my blog, and when I first found out I was pregnant I immediately went to her blog and stalked all her old maternity posts. She wore the absolute cutest things while pregnant. I honestly don't know how she did it. Doing my own hair has been making me sick, yet she somehow looked beyond gorgeous in all her maternity posts. Ugh. I'm not even that far in my pregnancy but I'm already jealous of how cute she was pregnant.

This girl has the most gorgeous hair in the world, just so you know. This is another fashion blogger that somehow managed to look so put together in all her maternity posts. Seriously some of her posts are like high fashion, super classy, just amazing. The above picture is one of my favorites though, because it's closer to what you'll see me wearing through the rest of my pregnancy. But please please go look at the link to her maternity posts, because each one ends with a short letter to her little one and it's the cutest thing ever (and I may borrow that idea, but differently).

I'm excited that my stomach is starting to show even if it's also a little intimidating, but I'm also super excited to start dressing it and showing off my bump. I will be working super hard to make sure I get all the Fashion Friday posts I can during my pregnancy so you can always see how I style my baby bump, but just bear with me this week till I'm a little more comfortable showing it.

So I need to fill you in on a lot. Since my last diary post I've been to the doctor. So I got pictures of my little one and got to hear the heartbeat. It was such a cool experience. Chris was very close to the monitor just staring at our baby, and after he just kept staring at the pictures. It was adorable.

We also announced our pregnancy to the families. It all turned out so well. We were down in Salt Lake area for the Utah State vs. Utah game, mostly to see my brother Nick playing in the U marching band and we knew we had that night to tell my family and the next morning to tell Chris's. So we bought cupcakes that had these rings on them with stickers of Jake and the Neverland Pirates, so we blacked out the stickers and put our own of baby stuff.

I was a little upset because I found out a few days before that my dad was in Texas, so I didn't think he would be there and we would just have to call him and tell him the next day, but lucky for us his plane got back a few hours before we got to the house. It was perfect.

So my whole family was gathered in the kitchen and I pull out this box. And they're asking me what's inside and I'm just like "It's only cupcakes." but I'm so anxiously excited that my always shaky hands were even more shaky so it's difficult to pull the lid off. When I finally do, Nick is the first to see the stickers, and he doesn't process it. So I turn it so my mom could see, since she knew we were trying and I knew she would understand, and of course my mom reacted perfectly.

My whole family was so excited for us and Nick kept calling my parents grandparents and it was a wonderful night.

The next morning we drove to my in-laws. We didn't have a ton of time since Chris had work that afternoon, but we made an effort to get there to see them. Lucky for us, on a Saturday morning, they were mostly all there. Devin was vacationing in Mexico so we already knew we'd have to tell him later, and Aubrey was at work but on her way back.

Chris was too excited to wait for Aubrey and set down their box of cupcakes. He wouldn't open it so they all thought it was some prank and that something would jump out of the box, which was nice since they weren't expected the real surprise. When they got it open, this time we included one of the ultrasound pictures so it would be easier to understand right away and it worked. His family was just as excited and happy for us.

When Aubrey did get home, Sheldon showed her the cupcakes and she had probably the best reaction of them all. She screamed and ran to hug me and she made it so much more exciting.

After all that Chris started telling everyone he sees. I've still been pretty reserved with who I tell, but we're planning our big public announcement next week.

On to the not so fun stuff...

I'm now on medication to help with my morning sickness. I had a week where I missed two days of work for just feeling miserable and throwing up and being sick, so since I was already told I couldn't miss anymore days of works I had to get doctor's notes and asked my doctor if I could get some medication to help. For the most part I'd say it's helping, however as I'm typing this I am also staying home sick from work.

I'm really annoyed because I'm not the type of person to ever call in sick if I'm not really sick. I once tried to work my janitor job when I had a cold and a fever but my boss sent me home and made me stay home the rest of the week even though I wanted to work. And now, I'm throwing up so I'm sure they don't want me working, but I'm risking my job because I'm not allowed any more days off this year. Also, my boss is new. She started just after I got pregnant. So I could be imagining it, but even though she knows I'm pregnant I feel like she thinks I'm faking or just trying to get out of work. But that's so not true and it makes me sad someone might think that. That's not me.

Baby Farnes is doing good. I'm sick a lot. But learned today's sickness was a stomach flu that's been going around my work. I feel like I don't eat nearly as much as I should, nor do I drink as much water as I should, so I need to work on that.

(Note: As shown by the date above, this post was written weeks previously, so some of these things may be outdated.)

So this week my incredible husband Chris said the greatest thing ever, and I quote:

"You eat whatever you want! You're pregnant, you'll have cravings, if you want something I'll get it for you."

He totally said that, and now it's written down so I'm holding him to it. It was in the midst of a conversation about how he's sick of eating junk food and not working out. He wants to get fit again. Which honestly, he has a bit of a belly but other than that he's a well toned healthy guy. Yes, when I met him he was super skinny, but I like the way he looks. I think it's just pressure from his brothers who tease him all the time, which is sad.

Last Saturday was my work Lagoon day and I was so annoyed I couldn't go on anything!! I love roller coasters and love spinning rides and to be at Lagoon and not be able to do anything kind of sucked. But Chris was again amazing and he didn't go on anything without me and we were still able to have a lot of fun.

I can't even begin to explain how amazing Chris has been during all this.

Last Sunday I threw up in a gutter which was not my most shining moment. It was the first throwing up incident of my pregnancy and still my only one, which has been nice. But I am nauseous all the time and at work run to the bathroom a few times a day thinking I'm going to throw up, but I never do.

I had taken a few really bad days off of work. Monday I felt exactly the same as I had the day before so I stayed home and took care of myself, and even got a priesthood blessing (more on that later). And when I went back to work Tuesday my boss, who knows of my pregnancy, informed me I'm all out of days off for the year. So basically unless I get a doctors note I'm at risk of getting fired if I miss again. Although, I once saw a Lindsay Lohan movie where she pretends to be pregnant so she can't get fired. Is that a real thing? Can they really not fire pregnant women?

Anyways, I'm not actually too concerned about it though because in talking on the phone to my doctor I've been able to handle my nausea better with B12 vitamins and regular snacking. And my boss knows what's happening and knows I'm trying, she also knows I'm good at my job, and I'm pretty sure I could easily fight back for getting in trouble for being sick. But my boss authorized a temporary change in my work schedule so I now work a 9-6 since mornings are the worst and if I wasn't absent, I was usually a little later. I don't start this new schedule till next week but knowing how things have been I think this will help.

Work does suck though. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm pregnant because of my missed days and my nausea, which makes me a little upset because our parents don't even know yet and they should be first! A few people have asked me about if I am pregnant and I've become good at lying. One in particular, Kim, was really excited thinking I was pregnant and when I said I wasn't she told me to get pregnant because she's baby hungry and wants one around. I love Kim and it made me laugh.

A huge thank you to Chris and our home teacher for giving me a priesthood blessing on Monday. I've been praying a lot for help through all of this, and I know He's been helping, but I truly feel the blessing really helped. I know I can trust in the gospel and I really have been depending on it lately.

I've been thinking up ways to announce our pregnancy and we have a few good ones. I have my first doctors appointment September 10th and we're announcing that weekend to our families. I will document it on here but our current idea is like a box of donuts or something that says we're pregnant. I wanted to do little gifts for everyone but that's too obvious since it's just a random day in September (well not entirely random, it's 9/11, but that's not exactly a gift-giving day). But we're still looking at ideas. We want it to be good since it'll be the first grandchild for both our families, so it has to be a big surprise that doesn't give it away too soon, but also sentimental.

So many times I've wanted to call my mom and tell her. Yes, I want her to be a part of the big surprise, but she's been through this before and when I'm feeling sick and crying because I don't know what to do, it's my mom I most want to talk to. So here's a public note to my mom: You're the one I want to tell most because I want your help and advice. The only reason I'm not is because I know how much you've been wanting this for me and I want to be with you and see your reaction when I tell you the news. I love you, I wish I could tell you, and I hope you forgive me for waiting so long to tell you.

(Note: As shown by the date above, this post was written weeks previously, so some of these things may be outdated.)

It's weird to have someone say you're six weeks pregnant when you only found out a week earlier. Six weeks isn't a lot of time in the whole scheme of things, but it's over a month. I've been pregnant over a month and didn't even know it! Do you know what I've done in the past month? I went on a long alpine slide, ropes courses, zipline-ing, white water rafting, hiking, swam across a lake, bike riding. Was I really pregnant for all of that? Maybe not, but still!

Something I didn't know was that the doctors don't schedule you in until 10 weeks. I just assumed as soon as you're pregnant they invite you in to check on your health, let you see the baby, etc. Nope. I have to wait. Till September 10th. That's a whole month away!! Can I seriously wait that long to even see my baby? Chris and I are considering using the USU coupons for a free pregnancy test at those planned parenthood type places so we have a more doctor approved confirmation of our pregnancy. An at-home pregnancy test and missed period are all we're basing this off of.

According to my app (which I'll write a review on later) and my doctor's call, my due date is April 3rd, but this could change when they actually date the fetus but we can count on April, which is exciting.

It's overwhelming how little I know about pregnancy and it's so tempting to tell my mom and ask her questions. She's gone through this and I know she'd give me excellent advice, but I want the reveal to our families to be special, so I'm holding back as much as I can.

It's kind of thrilling have a secret only Chris and I know. Both of us are so excited and want to tell the world. Honestly calling the doctors and telling the lady on the phone I was pregnant was such an exciting moment for me and it was so great to hear a "congratulations" back. I want to tell everyone and writing this diary is kind of adding to that thrill, even if you won't see it for a while.

I wish you could see this though and have the ability to ask me questions. What do you want to know? What do you not know about pregnancy (like I probably don't) that you want me to help you understand? While you won't see this for a while, please leave comments below with your questions because I want to help, I want to inform others, and I want you to get the answers you need. So don't forget to ask me your questions and I'll do my best to answer them.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Sorry today's post is late, but here are my original thoughts right after learning I was pregnant. As I warned you, most of this week will be stuff like this that I wrote in the past and was waiting for the right time to post. I hope you enjoy it!

It is currently August 5th, 2015, but this won't be posted on the blog for a while. Yesterday I took a test that I had been waiting for, looking forward to, for a very long time. And I passed. And my life immediately changed.

I'm pregnant.

I've honestly been looking forward to being a mom for a very very long time. But life throws you curves. I wanted to finish college first, but I left college. I wanted Chris to have graduated, but that's still a little less than a year away. I wanted more of my loan debt to be paid off. I wanted to be more financially stable. I wanted to be living outside of Cache Valley.

But more than all those wants, I want to be a mother. And even if none of that other stuff has happened, I get my number one goal.

I'm terrified in many ways. There's a lot I'll have to learn, certain aspects about pregnancy are scary, I can't currently comprehend how will we finance having a child, and the list goes on and on. It's scary, but I've never been happier in my life.

I wanted to write down these quick thoughts. To remember how I was feeling after finding out. More than anything I feel like life should have stopped. Come on life, give me a minute to take in this news and react!!! Right after taking the test I went to tell Chris. He gave me a hug and told me how excited he was, we've both been looking forward to this for a long time. But then I had to get ready for work, spent a full day at work, then went to a Young Women's activity until 10:30 at night. I didn't have time to react!!

Even now, sitting on my couch, watching Insurgent, I still don't know if this has fully hit me left. It was just an at home pregnancy test. I still need to see a doctor, make sure everything's alright, and then maybe things will feel real. But right now, as excited as I am, I don't think it's fully hit me yet.

I haven't had time to make a plan, figure out all I need to do, but at least I know I have some time. Things are changing already, but I know that I can rely on Chris, our families, and my Father in Heaven to help me get through it all.

I'm so grateful that this is finally happening for us! I stopped taking birth control last September and we've been seriously trying for a while now. We have been so blessed in multiple things in our lives. Our marriage has been a crazy whirlwind sometimes, but I couldn't image a more perfect person to start my eternal family with. I love Chris, and I already love our little fetus.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

That's right people, one of the main reasons I have been absent from my blog the past few months is due to the nausea and tiredness of the first trimester of pregnancy... and finding it difficult to want to blog about anything but my pregnancy.

As of today exactly I am 14 weeks and into my second trimester. Which is crazy. I am due April 9th, 2016 and we are beyond excited. Unfortunately for people not interested in pregnancy, almost the entirety of next week will be pregnancy diaries that I have been writing but not posting, going back from the day I found out I was pregnant. So next week is all about pregnancy.

After that my pregnancy diaries will slow down. My plan was to do them weekly but I'm very inconsistent (as I'm sure all my blog readers know) but new diaries will be popping up every now and then throughout my pregnancy.

This has been a long time in the making and something I have been wanting since forever. I cannot fully describe in writing my excitement to have a baby!! You guys... I'M GOING TO BE A MOM!! Do you realize how relateable this will make my blog? Wink wink. Yep, I'm finally moving on up to mother/blogger, what an accomplishment.

For the majority of my friends and extended family this is brand new news. I'm sorry if you are at all insulted we didn't tell you. Personally I didn't want to tell anyone except immediate family until this point, but Chris got too excited and started telling random customers at his work, which led to his coworkers knowing... and then telling everyone he sees... I would have gotten mad, but I know he's just excited and so am I.

I'm so happy everyone gets to know now and I no longer am burdened by this secret. I AM PREGNANT!!!! And I truly could not be happier!!!

Here are more photos from our fashion/pregnancy reveal shoot with my friend Lindsay. Yes, Chris ran into her at Walmart and immediately told her. He's terrible at keeping secrets, but at least it got us a photographer.

We are cheesy and I will never apologize for that.

We're also very careful with our baby.

And a little scared to be parents.

Yep, we are great parents in the making.

And are sometimes a little dramatic over our love for our little pumpkin.

Thanks for all the love and support you've already given us! It's a little scary, but with friends and family like you, we know it'll make things a lot smoother. Love you all!!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

A few weeks ago I found Tommy John and was inspired to do a "Dream Date Night Outfit" post for both men and women. It's an intriguing concept for me because I've been wanting to include Chris in some of my fashion posts. So while the full outfit post will be posted tomorrow for #FashionFriday, I thought it would also be fun to write a bit about my dream date night as well as mine and Chris's general style.

I've said it before, and I know how cheesy it sounds, but Chris is my soulmate, so any date night with him is my dream date. Chris and I are very laid back and sometimes lazy people. We don't often do big extravagant dates, especially considering how poor we are. We tend to do things that are free or cheap. While movies and dinner are a common date night for us, some of our more exciting dates include exploring nature or the city.

However, all that being said, if I could truly have my dream date night, it would start with a classy dinner at a nice restaurant that had big windows of some beautiful view. Then some window shopping and exploring through a big city that has a lot of character and history. And then rounding off the night with a walk on the beach.

All of these things are clearly unavailable in our current hometown in Cache Valley, but that's the dream.

In my fashion posts I'm sure you've noticed that I dress very casually. Even when I'm wearing dresses or heels, it's still a very comfortable look. Chris and I are very similar in that way. We know how to dress up, and enjoy doing so. We love going to weddings, putting on our best, and dancing like crazy people (honestly, we are such good dancers at weddings, everyone should invite us to their weddings). And while we like dressing up formally, a typical or even dream date apparel for us would be casual.

It is my personal opinion that while on a date you should be comfortable. A lot of guys seem to get too stressed out over dates and either overdress or underdress. It's very important to dress for the date. If you're doing dinner and a movie, it's okay to be casual, but not sloppy. But if your date is a wedding or a fancier restaurant, it's important to look well put together.

When I was reached out to about this post, I was asked to think about fashion-challenged men. And while I don't consider myself an expert on fashion, not even in the slightest, my personal style is something I enjoy creating and I think it's important for everyone to figure out their own style. But in also thinking of date nights, I figure I'll be a little more specific to help those looking for help on an upcoming date.

First off, autumn is the best time of year for dates. Corn mazes, haunted houses, pumpkin patches, leaves changing... you cannot ask for a more perfect time of year to find someone you like and start dating. Chris and I met in October and a lot of what started our relationship had to do with autumn and Halloween activities (especially considering our first kiss was on Halloween).

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

AHH!! It's 10:00 PM Wednesday night and I forgot to do a blog post for #Blogtober!! What do I do? I know, I'll bring back Web Video Wednesday just for today. The rest of this week has posts written and planned, so please don't lose faith on me just yet. This weekend will be BIG.

Umm... And you should forgive me for having a short post today simply because this video is the greatest. I watch it almost every morning, simply because it puts me in a good mood. Pikachu is adorable.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Who dislikes Mondays? I sure do. So here are some of my recent favorite funny posts from Pinterest, just so we can all have a little laugh on a Monday.

For reals, go visit This Is Actually How To Train Your Dragon right now!! It was created by the same people in charge of the CinemaSins YouTube page, which I love, and it's a fake/real website to teach us all how to train our dragons. It's funny and awesome and just check it out.

(If you don't know this is George RR Martin, and if you don't know Game of Thrones you probably don't get the joke, but I think it's funny.)