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Friendly Swinger Advice and Resources

I’m a man of average penis size… At least that’s what I used to think, before my wife and I entered the swinging lifestyle! Now I feel like I’m on the smaller side of the bell curve. You may think I’m writing because I feel ashamed or insecure about my “average” size, but that’s not at all the case. My wife thinks I’m perfect and I’ve never had any complaints from any other girls about my performance. But I am confused… Every scientific poll I’ve ever read states that the average size of a penis is between 5.5 to 6.5 inches, yet from a few swinging experiences that we’ve had and the profile photos we’ve seen, it seems like many of the men have a inch or two more than that. Have the science journals been lying to me all this time? What’s going on?!

Sincerely,

Average Joe

Dear Average Joe,

Science hasn’t lied to you. I’m guessing that pre-lifestyle, there were probably not a lot of situations where you regularly found yourself in the presence of several naked vanilla men with erections. So you’re not really getting an accurate random sampling of penises.

The swinger lifestyle attracts men with cock confidence, or “cockfidence” as I like to call it. A man who has cockfidence is any man who is comfortable and secure with the equipment he has, no matter what size it is. Any man who is able to make the transition from vanilla to swinger is likely to be cockfident in himself. But because so many men in our world base their sexual self-worth on their penis size, men who discover that they are larger than average are more likely to experience an inflated sense of cockfidence.

For this reason I’d surmise that you are probably more likely to run across some larger than average equipment in the swinger lifestyle more frequently than you would in the vanilla world. However, keep in mind that photos you see on swinger sites can really skew public perception. Those with enormous members are far more likely to post photos of their junk than the average guy.

Frankly, I think it’s a shame that when entertaining the idea of swinging, so many men ask themselves, “Do I have a big enough dick for that?”… Because the correct answer is always YES!!!

I would love to know what your opinion is on the “no kissing” rule for some couples in the lifestyle. Do you think it is a ridiculous control and insecurity issue? My hubby and I have the no kissing rule because we feel that it’s something we can keep personal between us. Thanks a bunch!

Sincerely,

Lip Locked

Dear Lip Locked,

There is no such thing as a ridiculous rule if it has been mutually agreed upon between the partners in a relationship. If you were to agree that your left ass cheeks were off limits to anyone outside your relationship… Then other swingers should respect that rule, no matter how odd they think it is or how badly they’d like to play with your left ass cheek. There is more than one reason that swingers refer to sexual contact as “play”. We view sex as a sort of game. Just like any game, there are specific rules to playing. This is part of what makes the swinging lifestyle work. Ideally, the rules of every sexual encounter between a group of individuals change every time someone is added or subtracted from the mix, because every individual brings their own personal set of rules that everyone else must respect and follow. Just a like in any game, if you don’t follow and respect the rules, nobody will want to play with you.

However, that being said…

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you are still fairly new to the swinging lifestyle. I’m assuming this because that’s the usually the only time that I ever hear of a couple having a “No Kissing Rule.” In fact, many years ago when I first dipped my toe into the lifestyle, my partner and I decided we’d have a no kissing rule too. Our reasoning was that we wanted to keep one physical act of intimacy as “sacred” between us. I think the idea appealed to us (as it does many other newbie couples) because if felt like we were still being somehow physically faithful, or even romantic with each other… while watching each other get our brains fucked out by other people.

Our kissing ban lasted approximately one party. As noble as the idea was, we decided it just wasn’t practical. It was too awkward to enforce and was too tempting to resist. I’ve known some couples whose kissing ban has lasted slightly longer; a few weeks, a couple months… But frankly, I’ve never met any couples who have successfully maintained a kissing ban and still remained active participants in the lifestyle community for any length of time.

Why don’t kissing bans usually last? While kissing is not technically a mandatory part of any sexual act, it’s usually pretty damn important to the experience. For many people (including myself), a good kiss is the #1 most arousing part of foreplay, and a very necessary step to getting someone into bed. When a newbie couple decides that they will fuck other people but not allow kissing, I honestly believe that they are subconsciously trying to sabotage their own swinging experience. Not only is it going to make it much more difficult and awkward for a non-kissing couple to seduce willing partners, but it will ensure that the sex with those partners will be slightly less satisfying than it would be otherwise. It’s kind of like purposefully only dining out at a mediocre restaurants, because you’re afraid that you might enjoy them more than the meals you eat at home.

So, do I think that not allowing kissing is linked to insecurities?… Yes, absolutely… But, that’s totally ok. There’s nothing wrong with having a no kissing rule, or any other rules, if you feel like you need that right now. We all have our insecurities. The important thing is to acknowledge them, address them, talk openly about them with your partner, and only when and if you are ready, overcome them. Only you can make these decisions. You should never ever feel bad for setting your own boundaries and taking things at your own speed.

Now, if you two are still in the lifestyle one year from now, will you please write us again and let us know how long your kissing ban lasted? We have an office pool going.

I am a single gal in the lifestyle and it is a huge part of my life. My social life revolves around the scene and I love my swinger friends. I am starting to date again after a several month hiatus following a break-up. When and how do I bring up the subject of the lifestyle to any new men that I am dating? Thanks!

Sincerely,

All the Swingle Ladies

Dear Swingle Ladies,

This is definitely something that that is important to discuss with anyone who you’re going to have a relationship with. It’s always better to reveal something like this sooner than later. However, there is possibly such a thing as too soon. Telling a guy that you are a swinger on the very first date could potentially backfire. He might make assumptions and judgements about you before getting to know who you really are. Or just as bad, he might suddenly become overly interested in you for all the wrong reasons.

You specifically asked “When and how do I tell the men I’m dating?” I’d say that it’s important to come clean before you decide to turn the men you are dating into the man you are dating. In other words, if you feel as though one of the guys you are casually dating might turn into something more, it’s probably important to tell him before you take that next step. The sooner the better.

After a few dates with any person, you should hopefully have some sort of sense of how they would react to the news that you’re a swinger. But if you are having trouble reading them, you could always bait the hook and see how they bite.

For example:

While telling an unrelated story, make an off-the-cuff remark hinting that you are bisexual, like: “I ate at this restaurant a few years ago. The girl I was dating didn’t like it, but really enjoyed it.”

See how he reacts to that. More than likely, it will start a dialogue about your sexuality. It’s been my experience that most guys are thrilled to hear a girl talk about her sexuality! If he’s not thrilled to hear about it… well, there’s a good chance the guy is not going to be very open-minded about your lifestyle.

I have one last thing I’ll say on this subject. While the lifestyle is fantastic, I would hope you don’t pass up a chance at true love simply because someone isn’t keen to the idea of swinging. Just because someone isn’t interested in swinging, doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not the right guy for you… in the end it all comes down to your own priorities.

We are a new to the swinging lifestyle and are just really starting to look into it deeply. We love the look of your website and the articles have been really helpful in making us not only knowledgeable about the lifestyle but comfortable with it. However, in everything that we have read no one has touched upon the subject of STD’s. Our question to you is, are there any statistics regarding STD’s and the lifestyle? We love the thought of the lifestyle but until we know more about this we are not really sure if it is worth the risk. Any info will help. Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Hypochondriac Nymphomaniacs

Dear Hypochondriac Nymphomaniacs,

Until “swinger” is added as a checkbox on the US Census questionnaire, we will never have any kind of accurate statistics about ourselves as a community. What I can tell you is that the most recent STD studies from the Center for Disease Control state that most of the STD’s in the United States are found in high school and college age kids, low income African-American neighborhoods and the Gay community (summarized from various diseases). Swingers were nowhere on their list… In fact, I did a search for the word “swingers” on the CDC website and it came up with zero results. Not what you would expect if the swinger community were swimming with STDs.

In my research, I was only able to find one reported case of HIV being contracted through a swinging encounter. In 1986 two women in Minneapolis contracted HIV through repeated unprotected anal sex with two bi-sexual men who were IV drug users. This situation is hardly typical of normal swinger behavior. In fact, some people might argue as to whether this even counts as a “swinger related incident”, as the only thing that ties it to the swinging lifestyle is that the people involved apparently met at a swinger club, even though the actual sex took place elsewhere. Still, I’d say that one documented incident in the past 20+ years in an extremely sexually active community is pretty fucking amazing! In addition, none of the countries in the world that have large numbers of legal swingers clubs have ever reported any increase in STD infections in the vicinity of swinging premises or in relation to swinging generally.

Statistically speaking, according to the latest findings, most swingers are religious about practicing safe sex. You are actually at greater risk of catching a STD if you play outside of the lifestyle then if you meet someone at a swinger club or on a swinger website who understands the risks and comes prepared to have sex with strangers.

If you look at the amount of unplanned pregnancies and the transmission of STD’s in the vanilla singles world, you can assume that most occur because they didn’t use protection… Why!? Why in this day and age would anyone not use protection when having sex? Perhaps they were in the heat of the moment and didn’t have time to put on protection… Perhaps they didn’t have any protection, but they were afraid that if they didn’t have sex now, they would never get the chance again. It’s like a how a starving person is unlikely to pass up any meal, no matter how unhealthy the food put in front of them might be. Swingers know that their “sexual refrigerator” is always well stocked, and therefore they have no problem skipping a “meal” here and there if they don’t have a… um… “napkin?” My metaphor fell apart at the end there, but I think you understand what I’m saying.

There are no excuses for unprotected sex in the swinging lifestyle! Since sexual play with another couple is not usually something that happens “In the spur of the moment”, there is always time to put on protection. Swingers almost always carry sexual protection with them when they go to an event… and in the rare case that nobody has any protection, swingers will happily take a rain check, or just play with their spouses, knowing that they will always have another opportunity to have sex with their friends in the near future. The sense of “sexual urgency” that so many single vanillas experience does not exist in the swinger world. Swingers realize that they are not only protecting themselves, they’re protecting their spouses and the spouses of the people they play with. They take this responsibility very seriously. Not using proper protection before attempting sexual intercourse is viewed as one of the most rude and inexcusable acts in the lifestyle. Plus, if you attempt to play without protection, you will end up having more than just one person angry at you. Word travels fast in the swinging community, and nobody wants to play with “Johnny No-Rubber”. In other words, I’d feel safer having sex with most swingers than I would having sex with a single vanilla person who I met in a club or online.

That being said… Is swinging more risky than having monogamous sex with only one partner for the rest of your life (assuming nobody is cheating or using dirty needles)?… Yes, of course it’s more of a risk! But you also have a higher risk of dying in a car accident if you ride in a car, rather than choosing to stay locked in your house for the rest of your life! Most of us are willing to accept the risks that come inherent with driving a car. But most of us also do smart things in order to reduce those risks: wear a seatbelt, obey the traffic laws, look both ways, don’t drink and drive, etc… The same goes for swinging: always wear protection, choose your partners wisely, get tested regularly, don’t use the same condom with different partners, use common sense, etc…

I hope that some of what I have said here has put you at ease… actually… no, I take that back! I don’t want you to ever be at ease! It’s a good thing that you are paranoid about STDs in the lifestyle. That paranoia is healthy, and is shared by the rest of the swinging community. And it’s those fears that keep us all vigilant when it comes to maintaining our sexual safety. If we swingers ever stopped being scared about STDs, that’s when we’d really have something to worry about!

Even though we have been with a few couples we still consider ourselves ‘newbies’. Our problem is that we would like to develop a bit more of a friendship with people before getting too physical. We have made that clear on our profiles as well as when we meet people at parties so as not to lead people on. Most of the people we met are very encouraging and not put off by our views.

Recently I was chatting with someone on a swinger site. When I explained our views he said that in the lifestyle you’re supposed to get physical first, then friendships develop later. He basically scolded us saying if we weren’t going to play that we didn’t belong on the swinger site!

We’re confused. Is he right? Are we playing where we don’t belong?

Sincerely,

Sex Sloths

Dear Sex Sloths,

Is he right? No… But that doesn’t mean he’s wrong either. What he is, is very rude.

Everyone has their own speed, their own rules and their own way of doing things. Some take their time and make friendships first. Others jump into bed first and learn your name later. Most people in the lifestyle tend to be very respectful of any boundaries that others may have. But occasionally you’re going to run across some jerk who can’t keep their opinion to themselves.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Go at the speed that feels right for you and your partner. If someone gives you grief about it, they are probably not the type of person who you would have ever developed a friendship with anyway… So fuck 'em! (But don't have sex with them.)

For a couple just about start in the Lifestyle, what tips would you give? What discussions need to be had, questions raised? In short, how do you know if you are ready or not

Sincerely,

Brand New to This

Dear Brand New,

Welcome!!!! First of all, my best advice would be to keep constant communication between yourself and your partner. Discussing fantasies might be a good ice breaker for the two of you to get started on this journey. Just like with any big decision together, you want to be really clear on what you both want, and do not want, for yourself and each other. You also want to know what your expectations are as well as what you are both comfortable with together. That may seem like a lot to discuss, or even an overwhelming process, but I assure you it is well worth putting the time in! These discussions between you and you partner will keep you both on the same page and make sure there are no misunderstandings later on. Don't ever assume that a thought, feeling or concern is not worth bringing up to your partner. The more honest and open you are in the beginning, the less problems you are likely to run into.

Remember you and your partner are a team, and you will not survive the jealousy and selfishness associated with bringing other sexual partners into your relationship if you are not 100% honest with each other. Being in the Lifestyle takes practice: sometimes you get it right, other times one of you may push a boundary that makes the other uncomfortable and one or both of you end up hurt, disappointed, or angry. This is where the communication helps tremendously.

In response to your last question, I don’t know that there is ever a point in your relationship where you know you are “ready”. Pretend the two of you are about to have your first baby… are you ever truly “ready”? Careful planning and research helps in most cases, as with any new chapter in your life, but ultimately you have to jump in if it is really something you both want. Take your time once you have made a decision, talk a lot about what is happening, and be careful to monitor everyone’s feelings every step of the way, not just your own! Be supportive when your partner has reached their limits in your relationship, don’t be pushy, listen attentively, and ultimately learn how to love each other better. If you get it right with each other couples will find you attractive and want to spend time with you both. If there is something amiss, not only will you know it, but so will everyone around you. Good Luck!

Recently there was an unfair news "expose" on a club we frequent in our city. Both of us felt that the way the lifestyle was portrayed was downright discriminatory.

We would love to help in any way we can to help make our chosen way of life more mainstream, acceptable and ultimately shown the same respect it deserves.

Is there a Lifestyle Rights organization we can join and support?

Sincerely,

Actively Swinging Activists

Dear Actively Swinging Activists,

It is indeed a shame that the media will sometimes lower itself to picking on the swinging lifestyle when they are having a slow news day. But you should take some small comfort in the fact that the mainstream discourse on swinging is actually improving. It's just a frustratingly slow improvement.

You didn't mention how long you've been in the swinging lifestyle, but speaking as someone who has been in it for a decade and a half, we've seen changes we once never thought possible.

Oprah, Tyra Banks and several other talk show hosts have actively defended swinging couples who appeared as guests on their shows. In some cases they even went as far as scolding rude and judgmental audience members. Remember when CBS premiered the series Swingtown a couple years ago. This prime time series portrayed loving swinging couples and their relationships in a positive and realistic manner. Sure it only lasted one season, but the fact that it made it to air at all was great.

Those are just a couple examples of progress that The Lifestyle's treatment by mass media has been improving. We'd love to hear of other examples in the comment section if anyone would like to add some.

But there is still a long long way to go. Swinging is still misunderstood, looked down upon and negatively sensationalized by many people, often with very harmful and destructive consequences.

To answer your question, YES! There is an organization you can join to help fight the good fight in protecting our right to do what we please in our private consensual sex lives! It's called the NCSF (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom).

The NCSF is committed to creating a political, legal and social environment in the US that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. They aim to advance the rights of, and advocate for consenting adults in the Swinger, BDSM/Fetish, and Polyamory communities. I've spoken at length to several of their board members and have been amazed to hear of the work that they've been doing on our behalf. They've been protecting our lifestyle for years, yet few of us even know they exist! Well, it's time that changed.

On the NCSF website (www.ncsfreedom.org) you can learn what you can do to help, including donations, volunteering and a ton of other resources. We also suggest that you forward their website to all of your swinging, kinky or sexually open and politically active friends so they can get involved too.

One of the most attractive women I know, Nina Hartley, was the subject of an article titled ‘The Smartest Woman in Porn,” which was featured in a leading men’s magazine. When asked: “Have you ever blown someone you didn’t want to?” her answer was perfectly clear and to the point. “Sure, but it’s only a blow-job.” I think the country would be a lot better off if politicians were as concise and forthright.

Of course, politicians can in no way be as concise and forthright as Ms. Hartley and still expect to be elected. In fact, in a bumper sticker sound bite age with more than 50 percent of the population defined as functionally illiterate, political leaders have become little more than followers of public opinion. All one need do to head the nation is repeat the prevailing platitudes while being careful not to crack a smile. Obfuscate whilst ye fornicate and it does indeed become possible to placate most of the people most of the time. Voters couldn’t care less about the truth. What they really want is someone who perpetuates sexual myths in a believable fashion. The great betrayal lies, as former President Clinton learned, in losing that believability and thereby making clear that a myth is, after all, just a myth. The repeated revelations exposing John F. Kennedy as a philanderer seem not to have completely tarnished his image. People still visit his grave and still weep for his passing. During his life, he managed to perpetuate sexual myths in a believable fashion … he never got caught… and many people still yearn for a return to Camelot.

Now, what is it about philandering that makes so many 21st century Americans go crazy? Well, it seems that humans are motivated by two very strong though seemingly contradictory biological urges. There is the very powerful drive to seek long-term partners, and then there is the equally powerful drive to seek sexual diversity. Think, for a moment, of all the physical pain and mental anguish Mother Nature laid on mere mortals with those two conflicting desires. How could she have possible gone so very, very wrong? Of course, Mother Nature did not go wrong. How could she have known that those mere mortals would get it in their silly little heads that the desire for long-term partners and the desire for sexual diversity should be seen as somehow mutually exclusive, opposite and conflicting?

Telling a spouse, “thou shalt not,” is probably the best way to idealize their unfulfilled desire and, if they have even a modicum of spunk, eventually lose them.

This myth wasn’t created until a few wise guys looking to gain power saw it as an outstanding opportunity to make all their less wise fellows feel guilty and, as a result, that much easier to lead round. It was necessary only to interpret the facts of life in such a way as to make it impossible for any normal, healthy individual not to get caught in a kind of moral Catch 22 … simply behave as Mother Nature intended and — ZAP — you’re a sinner! Do I enjoy my wife’s cooking? Absolutely. Do I occasionally like a dinner out? Of course. And how about my wife sexually? I think she’s the greatest… but would I occasionally like to boff the lady next door? You bet! Saying as much on any of those afternoon TV shows, the ones designed to titillate their sexually repressed audiences while at the same time encouraging them to feel superior to the “deviates” on stage, always elicits a similar response. Someone will ask how I would feel if my wife wanted to boff the guy next door. Is it really so hard to understand that I truly love my wife and that I can in no way see how her fulfillment could possibly be a threat to my well-being? In fact, quite the opposite is true. Telling a spouse, “thou shalt not,” is probably the best way to idealize their unfulfilled desire and, if they have even a modicum of spunk, eventually lose them. Why, after all, would someone want to stay paired with a mate who put their fears above their significant other’s satisfaction? Paraphrasing Ms. Hartley: It’s only a boff, after all.

But because the masses have been Dr. Laura-ized and Dr. Phil-ized into believing that sex must always equal love, someone will then ask: And what if my wife decides to move out after her roll in the hay? Since I’m not totally without a sense of self-worth, I doubt that would happen, but what if? Well, I would certainly hate to lose my Honey, but how could I not support her decision if she honestly felt that she would be happier with someone else? Frankly, I think people who try to turn normal desires for love and sex into some sort of life sentence have a screw loose. One-penis-with-one-vagina-for-50-years is not the ideal; I would consider it a perversion. My ideal would be a long-term relationship with a loving partner and some satisfying, guilt free sexual diversity too.

The bottom line here, the reason that the one-penis-with-one-vagina-for-50-years myth persists is because pleasure is something that has come to be feared…and what provides more bang for the buck pleasure-wise than sex? I can imagine no better way of producing frustrated, fixated adults who go crazy at the mere thought of somebody else having fun…the mere thought of somebody else philandering.