Poetry Forum

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

Why can't we all join hands, twirl ourselves around,and sing as though we understand? We all fall down.

The ring around us closes,reeling in recession.Pocket-picking posesprofess my own profession.

I'm ashes in my ashtray; added by accession.I'm falling for a light gray impression of expression.

Why can't we all join hands, twirl ourselves around,and sing as though we understand? We all fall down.We will all return to the Earth-We all find our home in the ground.The cycle of death, and of birth,is a ring that is perfectly round.

I love how you have incororated the child's song, it makes a perfect statement. You have kept the focus through out andthe use of 'We all fall down' actually reads more than one way which adds interest to the poem, and in perfect closing you ended the poem. Very nice. Catie

I Must say that it sounds a good poem of some identifiable rhythm. but the way the rhyme has been handled spoils even the tone of the poem because the rhyme which to me feel has been imposed impractically creates a mood of some kind of fatal incipient defiance by the poet to bring out the real intentiion of writing this poem.

I was concerned about the rhyme scheme coming off unnaturally. I was a songwriter before I REALLY got in to writing poetry (which was just about a year or two ago), so I'm still working on not being as vague in my poems as was beneficial in my lyrics. Thanks for the honest feedback.