The shattering defeat of American athleticism came at the hand of Putin's population, who topped the medal count by a devastating landslide—that is, if that land were sloped at an angle one might use for a Slip 'N Slide at a gluten-intolerant third-grader's unsupervised birthday party.

The lowest-ranking nation among medal scorers was Kazakhstan, gaining one very nice bronze medal in figure skating. Norway fell short of the U.S. by two medals, but continues to outshine us in socialist practices and apocalyptic predictions. Canada graduated from Sochi with a major in Second and a minor in Fiddle, magna cum not as good as America laude.