6 Things Introverts Are Tired of Hearing

The definition of an introvert is simple enough: You gain energy from being alone, and usually lose energy from being around people for too long. If you’ve ever had a good time at a party but still felt instant relief the moment you got to leave, you were definitely having an introverted moment. The concept makes total sense — and extroverts are pretty much the opposite, if you need to compare – but it can still be confusing for people who’d rather write you off as shy, or even misanthropic.

Introversion is often misunderstood, so if you are one, there are probably a few phrases you are totally tired of hearing, which we outline below. If you're an introvert, you'll probably find these familiar; if you're an extrovert (or at least an ambivert), read on to find out why you might want to strike these phrases from your lexicon.

"You’re being so quiet, is everything OK?"

Usually followed by: "Are you sure everything’s OK?"

Here's the thing with introverts: Being quiet sometimes doesn't mean any more beyond that. That's because “introverts typically do not enjoy small talk,” says Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LGSW, a therapist who specializes in self-compassion. “Rather, they often prefer to have deeper conversations about topics that are important to them. If an introverted person appears quiet, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are bored or upset. They may simply be enjoying soaking in the conversation in the moment.”

So hey extroverts: That calmness that introverts crave is also the thing they’re most like to give back to the world, so try not to be pushy if it makes you uncomfortable. Instead of assuming you’re supposed to be comforting your quiet friend, just talk to them as you normally would. You’ll both feel a lot less pressed to define the calmness once you settle into it, or just ignore it altogether.

"You need to get out there more!"

If you're the one saying this, it may be because you yourself gain energy and feel refreshed by getting dressed, leaving the house, and meeting new people. But for introverts, time alone is time re-energizing, which is the same thing “getting out there” is ultimately supposed to. Let your beloved introverts stay home, do some major resetting on their own time, and meet you later once things have calmed down.

“People who are introverts often enjoy having quality relationships over quantity,” Jennifer explains. “They might be perfectly content to have a small circle of close friends, rather than a large group — and this is perfectly OK. While their idea of having fun may seem boring to an extrovert, it really comes down to personal preferences." So, hearing a statement like "You need to get out there more" can seem invalidating to their personal idea of what it means to have fun. "People have fun in different ways, and there is no need to judge others who do things different," she adds.

"You must hate this, we’ll leave."

Or: "You definitely hate that guy," "you definitely hated my play," "you definitely hate my party," etc. It’s totally possible that the introverts you know are just bad at looking happy or pleased whenever they’re happy or pleased, but it’s more likely that most of that emotion is just happening internally.

“Many people mistakenly believe that introverts simply do not enjoy being around people,” says Jennifer. “However, this is utterly false. Introverts typically enjoy being around others. However, unlike extroverts, introverts frequently need to recharge after social events. Introverts get their energy from more solitary activities and may also enjoy communicating with people in smaller groups, rather than at large gatherings.”

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Appearing more neutral than delighted can be frustrating for people around you, but introverts are just less likely to show these things. Remember that the best way to see how your introvert is doing is to ask them how they’re doing, rather than make assumptions — which is true for everyone, actually.

"Introversion and extroversion both exist on a spectrum. Just because someone identifies as being an introvert, doesn’t mean that they don’t occasionally enjoy larger social gatherings," Jennifer explains. "They may simply need more time to recharge alone following these kinds of events."

"Speak up!"

If you're an introvert, you know how annoying this statement is, since most introverts probably already are speaking up just by getting out and speaking at all. While it can be frustrating to talk to someone on a different level of excitement than you, most people demanding other people speak up or get louder are often thinking of how they’d feel in that situation — unheard and sad — rather than how the person they’re talking to probably feels — stable, solid, and definitely getting their point across.

As for all the non-introverts out there: Not everyone communicates in the same way, so try not to force your comfort levels onto other people. As a rule, you’re better off being a great listener than a makeshift life coach, so lean in if you need to, but let people talk the way they want to talk.

"This is boring."

OK, well, so are you, sometimes. Everyone is boring at times! It’s why we as the human species don’t spend 100% of our time with other people, no matter how extroverted we are. If you're an extrovert and your introverted friend is more interested in activities that you consider quiet, there’s no need to be rude. There’s a time and place for everything, and your introvert is totally likely to want to hit a deeply happening party at a TBD time and place, after they’ve reset in a quiet, calm environment. We’re all introverts at times, and seeking a literal interpretation of Netflix and chill is no reason to make someone feel like they’re having less fun than you.

"You can’t be an introvert — you aren’t shy!"

"Another common misconception is that introverts are always shy," says Jennifer. "However, this is not always the case. Shyness and introversion are two completely different things. Introversion refers to where one gets their energy. An introvert may appear quite outgoing at social events, but the difference is that they often need some quiet time alone to recharge following the event."

So don't be surprised to see your favorite introvert out and about — they're having a good time, and there's no reason to be surprised by that!