A former US Marine says every leader should ask an uncomfortable question to learn what people really think of them

Over the course of my adult life, I’ve learned that I stutter when I’m nervous, that I barely talk in groups of four or more people, and that I slouch almost always.

By “learned,” I mean a friend, coworker, or family member told me; I got defensive and refused to believe it was true; then subsequently caught myself in one of these behaviors and realized their assessment was extremely accurate.

These sometimes unflattering assessments are what Angie Morgan calls a “gold mine.” Morgan is a former US Marine and a co-author, along with Courtney Lynch and Sean Lynch, of the new book “Spark: How to Lead Yourself and Others to Greater Success.”

Morgan and her co-authors, who are also the co-founders of leadership development firm Lead Star, write that it’s important for leaders at any level of an organization to actively solicit other people’s feedback. Because chances are, there are lots of things they know about us that we don’t.

Morgan visited the Business Insider office in March and said you can start collecting that feedback by asking a super simple question: “Can you please share with me two things I’m doing really well in this circumstance and two areas where you think I can improve?“

You can pose this question to your direct reports, your peers, or even your supervisors.

At first, Morgan said, “people might be a little, ‘I don’t know where you can improve’ or, ‘I don’t want to give you criticism.'” But if you keep asking, and if you show a willingness to receive that information (i.e. by thanking them and not getting defensive), over time they’ll open up.

“A lot of people we work with and around hold the key to how we can be more successful in either relationships or at work,” Morgan said. “People observe me every day and they may have tips or ideas for how I can be better.”

According to Goldsmith and his co-author Mark Reiter, it generally matters less what you think of yourself and more what other people think of you. That’s why, even though unsolicited feedback can be painful, it’s almost always helpful.

In “Spark,” Morgan and her co-authors write that it’s important to “challenge yourself to consider the points of view of others, such as by asking yourself, I personally think I’m good when it comes to credibility — but would my colleagues share that same opinion of me? What about my manager? What about my friends?“

Obviously, trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes isn’t as effective as asking them directly for feedback. But given that you can’t solicit feedback on every single behavior, thinking about your actions from other people’s perspectives is a good habit to practice.

The goal here isn’t to become obsessed with the image you’re projecting at work or elsewhere.

Instead, it’s to realize that there might be a discrepancy between the way other people see you and the way you see you — and to acknowledge that other people might be able to help you become the best version of you.