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About the Author

Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio. She is the Founding Director of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings thousands of women to Israel each year from 18 different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage (www.jwrp.org). She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington, D.C. area with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik, and is the busy mother of five children, ages 25 to 15.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 17

(17)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2013 4:19 PM

some people should say nothing

my husband also recently had some very serious surgery . some people just really don't know what to say and i guess feel they have to say something. but there are times when perhaps it is better to say nothing than to say something that ends in a very negative manner. positive encouragement is what is needed at these times and if you can't give it then stay quiet and just wish people a refua shleyma without all the stories. this is not the time to hear about an uncle who did not make it or any other horror stories. refuah shleyma b'guf ub'nefesh to all or am yisrael.

(16)
Anonymous,
April 7, 2013 10:34 AM

Thank you from the surgical ward

I'm watching this as I recovery from a major and painful surgery at haddassah in Israel. I can't tell you how perfect your timing is in posting this!

(15)
Anonymous,
April 5, 2013 9:04 PM

it gets easier...

My father had valve replacement surgery a few months ago and for me, emotionally, it was tough to deal with. Thank G-d, he came out fine. Over time, I've seen him improve-from an inability to sit up by himself to a point where he can walk around with a walker outside and without a walker in small quarters. It's great to see how much he has improved and to see that others from his rehabilitation home have improved too. Things get better-as one of his doc's put it: Someone's on ur side (referring to G-d). He's there. Take the support from others you need and know that ultimately, HE is there for you.

(14)
Melissa,
April 5, 2013 8:16 PM

Great line!

As someone who waited a while for marriage and then another while for children and as a mother of a child with special needs I always say that some ppl never let you enjoy anything- when I had my twins I had to hear about other ppl who had triplets ... When my son was deathly ill (and bh made it alive!) i had to hear about ppl who had meningitis too- and died... I wasn't allowed my joy or my grief!!!! People just don't fargin! But I've learned to put all the comments in perspective and try my best to judge those ppl favorably and when the comments are really nasty I actually pity the commentator! And if nothing else it has created a more sensitive and aware "me"!

(13)
Chavie,
April 4, 2013 9:09 PM

Refuah shlaima b'mhara

Lori, wishing your husband a complete and speedy refuah. And don't sweat the negative people. They just don't know better. I had a similar experience and it took me awhile to realize they're just clueless. May Hashem grant you and your husband great kochos and continue to be a great inspiration for so many worldwide.

(12)
rich schad,
April 4, 2013 3:49 PM

Stepping Up

Do we really know how to help a loved one or friend when they're facing a serious diagnosis or surgery? Do you know what to say or what to do? How many times have you been around when someone says something so awkward, we want to run out the door?

According to US statistics, 70% of us will care for a seriously ill friend or family member at some point in our lives.

An offer to help is a good beginning. Be specific in your offer. Find out what will make the person's life easier and take-it-on. If your offer is declined, take the hint and step back. Sometimes the person's no-thanks means no-thanks.

And of course the what-not-to-says.

"My Aunt Sarah had that and....How long did they give you?" Seriously. "You need to stay positive." Hey thanks for the advice.

Stepping Up is important. Stepping in it is something we all need to avoid.

Be positive is good advice for anyone facing adversity.It also indicates your emunah shelaima, your complete belief in G-d.I am proud of the way you handled the "well-intentioned" people who told you negative stories. "At aleet al kulanah." You have risen above your adversity admirably.

(9)
Judy,
April 3, 2013 11:37 PM

Bravo

Thank you Lori I agree with B-Positive more that 100%. I had the same surgery in August but 2 Valves didn't talk to anyone who would tell me negative stories. I only surrounded myself with friends and family who are positive. I was very sick and in an induce semi coma for 10 days after the surgery, but I also felt G-d was me and could here my friends & family Davening for me. It is 7 month later, and I feel like a new better person both inside and out. So B Positive works for me. All the best to your husband and your family.

(8)
judy,
April 3, 2013 9:54 PM

Negative to postitive

I was facing surgery and my sister suggested that I call a certain person who'd had the same surgery. When I spoke to him on the phone, he told me how it was the worst pain he'd ever had, and that it was over 3 months before he returned to work. Oh, no!! I'm thinking I'm going to lose my house if I can't work. I started to call my sister to cry on her shoulder, but decided to daven Mincha first. In Ashrei, I broke down in anguish and despair. I am reading how Hashem responds to those who cry out and how He takes care of us. As I finished, my friend called, and I told her how I was having this surgery and how afraid I was. She told me that her husband had just gone through the same procedure, how well he'd done, that he'd hardly taken any pain meds, how he'd driven himself to work in less than 2 weeks. Wow! what a difference! She even offered me his equipment I was going to need. Thank G-d, I had an equally good result. It makes a huge difference what we hear.

(7)
Ayalah Haas,
April 3, 2013 7:01 PM

Be Positive!

Please indicate Rabbi Palatnik's full Jewish name for our teffilot. And if you, Steve commentor #1, are reading this, tell us your full Jewish name too, okay? May we all hear good news.

(6)
Samuel,
April 3, 2013 5:38 PM

Refuah Shleimah

Thank you Lori, your words are always inspirational. May your husband be granted a full and speedy recovery.

(5)
Anonymous,
April 3, 2013 8:06 AM

You are amazing!!

Lori, your video blog always provides me with the right guidance for my week. I have just gone through a traumatizing event and am feeling negative. Your advice that HAKOL BEROSH is great, and that I should stay positive. Unfortunately people can harm us with words and with actions, but it is up to us to make sure we stay happy and well directed individuals. HAKADOSH BARUCH HU should bless you with only good and your husband should have a refuah shelaima.

(4)
Tammy,
April 3, 2013 2:17 AM

praying with you

I'll be praying for your husband sister.

(3)
Anonymous,
April 2, 2013 6:22 PM

Beautiful

Beautiful, Lori. The main thing is that your husband should have a speedy recovery. (Also to Steve, #1).

(2)
Anonymous,
April 2, 2013 11:03 AM

Refuah Shelemah to Rabbi Palatnik and to Steve, commenter #1.

(1)
Steve,
April 2, 2013 8:30 AM

Thank you so very much

I am also facing a serious surgery with a long period of recuperation and your message really hit home. My emuna tells me one thing, but the brain still has me thinking other things, so I just need to get my brain to remember to Be Positive.