On the surface, the news that a complaint has been filed against Florida Marlins wunderkind outfielder Miguel Cabrera for an incident outside a Venezuela club seems pretty rote, just another athlete "scuffle" at a bar. But the story from the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel confuses us so much we can't help but point it out. It appears to have been written using some '80s-era translation program. Witness the following phrases:

• "Cabrera is embroiled in an incident ..."
• "Accused of lambasting a patron after an argument ..."
• "Cabrera is accused of becoming physical when Carlos Agreda disembarked his car ..."
• "'I understand that of all the people there I was probably the most recognizable, and maybe that's why I'm being included without having any responsibility whatsoever in said incident.'" (Actual quote from Cabrera.)
• "Agreda said Cabrera ultimately turned his verbal ire toward him."

We've read this story four times, and we still have no idea what happened. How can someone accuse you of lambasting them?