Americans Only Want to Name Their Kids After TV Characters, Money, and Palins

The website BabyCenter released its annual list of the most popular baby names in America. This year, it was Aiden for boys and Sophia for girls. What's really disturbing, though, are some of the other names gaining in popularity.

Americans are so stupid that the names that rose the most in popularity were Quinn and Finn, both characters on Glee; and Betty, the name of television's most monstrous mother on Mad Men. Do you really want to saddle your kid with the legacy of Betty Draper? Go to your room! The most popular boys' name, Aiden, is of course the name of Sex and the City character Aiden Shaw. Now all the Scary Sadshaws are naming their boys after a character that was named after a gay porn star. Congrats!

Parents worried about the crappy economy are also apparently naming their kids after things that have to do with money, like Fortune, Cashton, and Bentley, which was on of the boys' names to rise the most in popularity. If I met a baby boy named Bentley, I would drown him in a river. And if he had a sister named Bullion, I don't know what I'd do. Bentley is also the name of one of the kids on Teen Mom, so this trend might be a double threat.

Speaking of threats, Bristol, Willow, and Piper—the names of three of Sarah Palin's spawn—also clocked an uptick in frequency this year, most likely in the flatter and squarer states across our great nation. In fact, Piper is No. 101 on the list, up 12 percent from last year. That's bad enough, but luckily her boys' names, Tripp and Trig, aren't faring much better than before. It's bad enough we're going to have a whole generation of Cashtons and Quinns running around.