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Just one thing Elssa—you described my own wedding. I married a jazz bassist who comes from a Southern Baptist family, and they do NOT believe in drinking or dancing, I believe because these things lead to fornication (which, if you ask me, is the whole point of getting married, right?) Anyway, my in-laws have odd beliefs, but they were gracious enough to accept the fact that MY family danced and would probably drink, too, sinners that we are.

There were 200 people at the wedding, and about 16 of them were from my side. The rest of the guests were from the church (Louisville, Kentucky). John hired famed jazz guitarist Jimmy Raney to play for our reception, and my in-laws, meaning well, cleared an area the size of a football field for my relatives to dance. The rest of the guests sat in a ring around the dance floor, with a full view of the action. It was like Dancing with the Stars, except with Heathens. Some of you may know who Jimmy Raney was. That trio sounded fantastic. My Aunt Jean played the role of Cyd at this party. Aunt Jean is a swinger. Still. And she's 87.

Castle update: Last night's wedding featured a dozen (!) Asian bridesmaids dressed in strapless pink chiffon. I played for the cocktail hour, so I don't know if they got down and dirty on the dance floor later in the evening. One can only hope.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

Wow, I'm really surprised your husband became such a great jazz musician with a family that strict! LOL! I didn't know that the "no-dance rule" was so common, though. Geez, you'd think they could at least allow people to dance the "Bunny Hop" and "Alley Cat" at weddings - the little kids especially, who look so adorable. But even the adults should be allowed to do these because (most of the time) you're dancing separately, paws up and dainty steps/hops with these "kiddie dances".

I can picture some very colorful future family scenes, and I wonder which branch of the family the grandkids will take after. I hope the young marrieds both have Living Wills... and pre-nups.

Too funny, Jeff. I've lost touch with the couple, but last I heard they were both still practicing surgeons with two lovely children in grade school. So far, so good... I can only imagine what Thanksgiving is like though.

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If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.

aE440: I think you might be correct with your bridesmaid theory. Alcohol is the great equalizer, though. People who drink too much, regardless of their social or economic status, are all capable of doing the alligator dance on the bar by the end of the night.

My dad (musician) likes to look at a room of sober guests at the beginning of the gig and make bets with the band which member of the party will be most likely to strip before the evening is over. Trust me, it's not limited to bridesmaids.

Here is my favorite gay wedding story: I was hired by friend to play the cocktail hour for their reception. Gorgeous party—250 guests, black tie, beautiful flowers, wonderful location. I played my gig and then (because I was a friend) was invited to the dinner. My husband was playing a concert that night at the Philharmonie hall here in Cologne, so he was unable to be my date for the dinner, but said he would come by after the concert and meet me there. He called on his way to the wedding reception and asked how it was going. I told him the truth, that it was a classy event, one of the nicest weddings I had been to in a long time, great food, grandparents, a couple of kids--in other words, a completely normal high society wedding, just with two grooms.

"Okay," he said, "I'll be there in ten minutes."

Well. In the that ten minutes all hell broke lose. A friend of one of the grooms had hired the ROSA FUNKEN, a gay dance group consisting of two dozen men dressed in pink ballerina tutus. John, wearing concert attire, managed to arrive at the reception just as they were marching into the ballroom to perform their über-choreographed version of Gloria Gaynor's "I Am What I Am." It almost looked like he was part of the show. Too bad he didn't have his bass with him.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

I went to a no-dancing wedding in Chicago suburbs once. It was quite the culture clash. The bride's family, friends and neighbors were all, well, light; Blond or light brown hair, light skin, pastel-hued clothes in conservative styles. They had driven in from rural Illinois.

The groom's family and most of his friends were New York Italians who flew in for the affair. Jet-black hair, dark suits, black dresses (or other bold colors) with some decidedly less conservative lines, sunglasses. They arrived in two 15-passenger vans from the hotel we all stayed in.

The church attendants soon realized that there was no need to ask "Bride or Groom?" of the guests. They just pointed the way to the correct side. There were furtive glances across the aisle, each side studying the curious creatures on the other.

I don't think it was until we arrived at the reception that the guests on the groom's side found out that the entertainment was a string trio. (people get too wild with a quartet).

We in the bridal party waited outside the catering room. They announced each "couple" as we entered. Each announcement sounded something like this: "...and next we have Bobbi-Jean Swensen and... uh...ah... John Gee-uh-nan-a-noo-nee", "Betty-Sue Cornbread and ... Greg um...Gar-da-nee-no", "Mary-Jo Easy-to-pronounce-Midwestern and Domenic Oh-my-Gawd-what-the-heck-is-with-these-vowels-o".

You'd think that a mere 45 minutes out of Chicago they might have had some familiarity with Italian names. But they didn't. They mispronounced each syllable and added a couple onto each name for good measure.

That was pretty much it for the excitement. Compared with the weddings I had been to before (did I mention that my Mom's family is Greek? 'Nuff said), this one was more like 150 people eating a meal in the same room.

Many of the New Yorkers, especially the younger ones (a category that used to include me - sigh) got together in the hotel lounge that night to fill in the omissions of the afternoon affair: Loud music, disco lighting, dancing and of course, a little alcohol.

This must be the funniest post I've read online anywhere in quite some time. You win the Internet.

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If there is a banner ad in this post, please be advised that the owners of the company traffic in illegal drugs and have been caught in compromising positions with farm animals.

This must be the funniest post I've read online anywhere in quite some time. You win the Internet.

Thanks. I'll send you an invoice.

Here's another tidbit from the same wedding. The ushers were all from NY City: the groom's two brothers and three friends, including me. We had to rent tuxedos long-distance. This involved phoning in our various measurements to the tailor. "Honey, help me measure from my waist to my crotch...Yes really." Between our lack of skill and the hilarity of the process (at least in my house), the measurements may have been less than completely precise.

Do I even need to tell the rest of the story?

On the day of the wedding all five guys went into one of our hotel rooms to get changed into the tuxes. It was like a swap meet. "My pants are too big/too short/too long/too...wrong". The exchanging began. I ended up trading pants with a guy 6 inches taller than I am and swapping the jacket with someone else. The results were pretty much as you might expect.

It was for a good friend, so I was also in the wedding party. This time I made it to the rehearsal, thank god, I actually had some idea of what's going on this time.

The church had a nice grand piano, a treat for me since I usually am on a digital. Not to mention the acoustics in the church! Playing the background music while people arrive was a low pressure situation, most were talking so I felt like I was just playing for myself and anyone who ran out of things to say.

Since I was nervous I decided to start with the easiest pieces to get warmed up on. Turns out it doesn't take long for everyone to arrive and the ceremony to start though, I didn't get through half of what I'd memorized before I saw the deacon at the back waving for me to begin.

For the ceremony they'd convinced me to practice up the guitar again, Bach's Air for a G string for the wedding party and Pachelbels Canon for the bride. Nobody knew how to work the sound system (or even where to find it) so I just played into a microphone, it sounded like ass from where I was sitting, very boomy... But I was told it sounded fine where everyone else was. More piano for the wedding certificate and while everyone walked off. There were memory slips and dropped notes all over the place, but overall went pretty good and everyone seemed happy with it.

Then we ran into a bunch of people from the wedding at the liquor store, and it was such a hot day out to take pictures in a tux... we were all a bit tipsy by the reception. The brides side, who usually seem a bit stuck up to us partiers from the grooms side, even loosened up and had some fun. Thanks alcohol! All the groomsmen were gifted with pocket knives and we were like kids with new toys. It's amazing nobody got hurt, though I woke up with a lot of little nicks on my hands and somehow sliced my thumb today, oops.

Lots of laughs and good times. I get to play for another friends wedding in Nov. Someone suggested I learn the theme from Pirates of The Carribean, which I think would be pretty funny and somehow appropriate.

Yes! 1RC, sounds like a smash success! You have obviously discovered the pleasures of playing when no one is listening. I've made a career out of it, and although it's not something I'd recommend for musicians with fragile egos, it can be (in weird way) an artistically pure way of performing. Play for yourself.

I actually played that Pirates theme at a wedding dinner a couple of years ago. I didn't mean to play it, but I have it in my fingers, which means—like most pieces of music I know— it has a life of its own and can slip out of my hands whenever the atmosphere nudges me in a particular direction. (that last sentence sounds ridiculous, but those of you who play background gigs know what I mean) At this particular wedding the bride looked like a wench (boobs pushed up to her chin) and the groom was wearing an eye patch, which just screams PIRATE and well, I just started playing it, which almost caused the banquet manager to drop a tray of wine glasses.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

I particularly loved this line.. "I have played for the great unwashed plenty of times "

what a nice of humor you have.

(I'm thinking about the party i played for years ago where the host's sister was a lifetime drunk but an incredible pianist.. she kept sitting down to accompany me, adding descants, bass rhythmic enhancements, countermelodies. If it weren't for her breath and the fact that she kept listing (leaning) into me, it would have been a delightful experience.)

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accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few

Here's a topic we haven't addressed yet. What about people who talk to you while you play? I don't mean brief bits like "You guys are really good!" or "Can you play 'Witchcraft'?". Here's a conversation that I'm sure I can type out nearly verbatim, even though it was 15 years ago:

Couple:"Our son plays keyboard"

Me:[smile, nod]

Couple:"He's eight"

Me:[smile a little more artificially, nod again]

Couple:"We just bought him a new keyboard..."

Me"Uh huh."

Couple"but it doesn't sound like yours..."

Me"Oh"

Couple"Why do you think that is?"

Me (stifling the urge to say six or seven of the obvious things one might say in such a situation)"Because it's different, and he's eight"

Them:"How can we make it sound like yours"

Me:"Buy one like this"

The Idiots: (miffed that I might have thought that they, members of a rather upscale country club, might have bought less than the finest for Little Biff Tenthumbs III) :"Well, it's a very good one.

Okay, what first? Let's start with Greg and Little Biff. At the risk of sounding immodest, I have to say that I am really good at talking and playing at the same time. I don't know if this ability to split my concentration comes from early training at my first job at the Nantucket Club Car in 1976 (where I had to converse with drunken sailors, turn the pages of my fakebook, and pull up my tube top while pounding my way through my Bicentennial patriotic medley) or if I was just born with a Rainman like ability to yap and play at the same time. What I cannot do, is speak German while I play. English, fine; German or French, train wreck.

Anyway, the talkers don't bug me much as long as they speak English.

I really hate the hand-shakers. What's with that????

Thanks, Cathy, for clearing up my name, even though the question disappeared. It was kind of like Piano Jeopardy. I'll take Cocktail Piano for 500, Alex.

Apple, I'm afraid of those other forums—they're kind of serious over there, rightly so. But feel free to send them over this way.

The show I did with Marian McPartland has been broadcast twice, the last time in January of this year. I'm supposed to do another taping with her sometime soon. Here's the link if you want to listen online (it's in the archives). It's a really fun show, and I can't say enough about her. She is WONDERFUL. I just hope that when I'm 92 I'm still playing the piano and having as much fun as she is.

This thread goes on my "all-time PW favorite thread" lists. Love these stories... Greg, I was howling at your story about little Biff. And I truly enjoyed the special treat of a sneak preview of your forthcoming book, Robin... can't wait for it to come out!

p.s. I know what you mean about the other forums being scary. (Except, of course, for warm and cozy AB forum. ) I still haven't recovered from the time I admitted that I liked Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the Pianist Corner.

Apple, I'm afraid of those other forums—they're kind of serious over there, rightly so. But feel free to send them over this way.

The show I did with Marian McPartland has been broadcast twice, the last time in January of this year. I'm supposed to do another taping with her sometime soon. Here's the link if you want to listen online (it's in the archives). It's a really fun show, and I can't say enough about her. She is WONDERFUL. I just hope that when I'm 92 I'm still playing the piano and having as much fun as she is.

I really miss listening to Marian's Show. I've had a rehearsal scheduled on Wednesday evenings for years and years now. She is so delightful. I suppose i could arrange to be sorting socks or sewing buttons while I have a listen.

I'm sure there are many people who would enjoy your sense of humor Robyn. Some of our most pedantic posters have sly wits. Some of the forums get absolutely NOOOO traffic. I've been trying to drum up business for the organ forum to absolutely no avail and our 'Who's Who at Piano World has only 7 topics.

This is probably my first post ever in the nonclassical forum (and I'm likely to get laughed out of here).

Speaking of Who's Who, I'm going to ask Lang Lang if he'll join Piano World when I see him on Sep. 15th. ya never know.

Edited by apple* (08/25/0904:57 PM)

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accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few

Wow, what a great thread--pulled me out of long-time lurkdom! I've been laughing hysterically on every page.

I've only played one wedding--my nephew's. They asked me to accompany another nephew and a friend who were singing a duet during the ceremony. No problem, I play for singers a fair amount. Then they wondered if I'd be willing to play the Wedding March for the processional. I said I could, but asked if they might be willing to let me try to find something a little less traditional, with their approval.

They said OK, but suggested I brush up on the wedding march just in case. Well, to make a long story short I ran out of time to really find anything suitable as an alternative so figured I'd just do the wedding march as originally requested.

But...I don't know what came over me. During the rehearsal as the bride entered, I launched into "Hey, Look Me Over." I was laughing hysterically. The bride looked completely panicked. I pulled myself together (which took a bit of time) and we did the wedding march and all was well.

The wedding ceremony was lovely. I only smirked once or twice from my piano bench in the choir loft.

Nina, your post caused me to laugh out loud, not an easy task at the crack of dawn (I'm writing from Germany). "Hey, Look Me Over?" That's a riot! See that's what I mean, sometimes these things just slip out, it's like stream of consciousness gigging.

What was the duet piece your nephew sang? I'm always intrigued by the songs people choose for the Big Day.

Apple and Jeff, I'll bet there are some church organists with excellent wedding stories. I was in a wedding a million years ago where the bride FORGOT to hire an organist—she had ordered 6 billion dollars of flowers, and enough chocolate wedding cake to feed the entire Squirrel Hill section of Pittsburgh, but she forgot about music. (Where's the clipboard lady when you need her?)

Knowing that I had the cocktail piano gig at the Pittsburgh Hyatt, she tried to get me to go play the church pipe organ, but—even though I was 21 and crazy enough to try just about anything—I had the sense to say no. I am clueless when it comes to organ. I have enough trouble with two hands, add feet to the mix and I'm askin' for trouble. Anyway, we marched down the aisle to complete silence.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

I am a service organist and do weddings and funerals. I really don't enjoy dealing with brides. (maybe a tattoed one would be ok). They are so emotionally needy and so a gaga over themselves and their love and their dress, and their makeup and so into the planning process. Why they think the organist wants to hear how they fell in love is beyond me. Perhaps, confused, they think I would be a soundboard.

In spite of a contract, I've had little luck in keeping my hours contributed to a manageable level. How can you turn down a crying bride who needs to change the music even tho rehearsals have been conducted with soloists? How do you extract money from a bride who's fiance has decided not to go thru the wedding? How do you deal with a mother in law who wants to bribe you to change the music as a surprise for her son?

and then there are the organs which are never played except for weddings and their volume pedals are stuck on super loud.

I played my first wedding in 7th grade. I was soooo scared. I hardly knew how to turn on the organ, much less use any pedals or choose which stops to use. I still made 50 dollars which was a fortune in 1969. That's when my parents decided I could well afford my own highschool tuition.

Funerals, tho somber, are much easier to deal with logistically..... sometimes the level of grief is overwhelming. I've gotten thru a couple without giving into my sorrow, only to go home and cry the rest of the day.

Anyway, I'm delighted to find yet another book to ad to my music book collection, and look forward to reading it.

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accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few

Yes, Apple, the only way to get through some of these weddings is with a bullet proof sense of humor. Sounds like you have one.

50 bucks in 1969 was indeed a fortune. Iplayed my first gig in 1976 and made 50 bucks a night, five nights a week. I was 18 and it seemed like a million dollars.

I didn't get on the wedding circuit until I moved to Europe and cracked the high society wedding market, something that happened because I got a steady weekend gig at a castle that is renowned for weddings.

There is no such thing as a "normal" wedding. For most women, a chance to be queen for a day is a once in a lifetime event, and most of them work that diva thing to death. I have pretty much figured out that when the day comes, they have no clue what I play, how I play, or whether or not I even manage to show up. But most of the time I play background music for the reception or dinner. It's a different deal if you're playing the ceremony, like you, Apple. Tension City.

I'm still laughing about "Hey Look Me Over."

Don't get me started on funerals, except to say that in 2004 I played a funeral and wedding on the same day. I'm working on writing about that, but I'm not sure I can pull it off—what a mix of emotions.

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Robin Meloy Goldsbywww.goldsby.deAuthor of PIANO GIRL: A MemoirRHYTHM: A Novel RMG is a Steinway Artist

i've saved many of the anecdotes i've shared on this piano forum and others in a 'maybe this will be a collection of short stories' file. This was a funeral I attended but did not play at. As a bit of preamble, I live in Kansas City and the Chiefs are a football team.

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A brother of a friend of mine, a fireman with a gambling and drinking problem, committed suicide in jail after being picked up for driving under the influence.

He lived in on the northwestern side of the metro where houses are pink or black, crumbled, surrounded by wild dogs, or may have a full sized Chief's logo painted on the side of the house, covering the windows. Tattoo parlors abut homemade churches of questionable denomination and the roads have no curbs or drainage conduits.

William was a fireman and a bagpiper. The funeral was well attended by sturdy legged firemen whose pants were way too tight, who sported handlebar mustaches and shaved heads, and probably had Harley-Davidson wannabees in their detached sheds. After the ceremony, 25 firefighters gathered in the vestibule with 8 fully dressed bagpipers. The Church was fairly small and the vestibule was maybe 12' X 12'.

A fireman said "We will sound the final alarm for our brother William". They had brought at least 8 BIG brass bells (the kind that used to ring in firehouses to call the firefighters and dangle above the front of the trucks). The 8 bells started clanging, reverberating the church of stucco and tile, the bagpipers started playing, and the huge old church bell above us started peeling. For at least 3 minutes this unbelievably loud cacophony sounded. The congregation was clusted at the back of the church by the firemen and bagpipers. After about a minute of this wonderful noise, everyone broke into the most unfettered sobbing I have ever witnessed. Not a person was spared from the racking sobs of utter sorrow. It was a total group thing.

When the clamor died, one of the firefighters said, "Dang it - Bill owed me ten bucks". The very elderly mother of William opened her purse and gave the firefighter a ten dollar bill which he stuck in his pocket.

I couldn't believe it.

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accompanist/organist.. a non-MTNA teacher to a few