Question

How should we tell our infertile friends?

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Friends of ours have been trying to conceive for over two years, seeing doctors and going through all kinds of tests. The last time we saw them, I was two months pregnant but didn't know it. Now I'm five months pregnant. I can only imagine how it will make them feel to learn that I got pregnant without really even trying. How should we tell them?

Mom Answers

I agree with the readers above. I'm 11weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. I've a good friend who's been trying to conceive for over 1 year. I went out with her and broke the news to her first, yes, definately not emphasising the fact that we only tried for 2 months. Then later broke the news to the rest of our friends.

I have been on the other side. My hubby and I tried and tried for 3 years to conceive and it seemed like EVERYONE around us was getting pg! (I am now 8 months along!) I had the hardest time when my hubby's younger brother got married and within a few months they were expecting. I felt that since my hubby is the oldest and since we had been married for 4 years, he should have the first grandchild! I eventually got over it and absolutely love my little niece. Hopefully your friend will love your baby, too.
I preferred to be told about other's pregnancies by phone because it was so much easier to hide my emotions. I could say that I was happy for them then get off the phone and bawl for hours. My friend told me in person and it was hard to keep myself from breaking down in front of her. I had to quickly excuse myself and go home and cry. Whatever you do, don't wait until it's obvious and she ends up asking you - that's not going to help the situation at all.
You need to understand that she might not be as excited for you as you had hoped. She may not be very supportive at first and may need some space for a while, but hopefully she'll eventually come around and realize your friendship is more important than her jealousy. You also need to realize that she may not want to be around you as much any more because it's too painful to see someone having what you've wanted and prayed for.
Hope this helps. Good luck!

I have a friend who has been trying to concieve for ten years. I got pregnant with my second after trying for 12 months. I went through testing and everything. She told me to tell her if I got pregnant. Well, I'm pregnant but my husband and I don't want to tell anyone until 3 months are up. I'm wondering whether she will feel that I betrayed her as a friend. I feel pressured to tell her.

I had a pregnancy out of wed lock with older traditional parents. I was surprised at how happy they were for me. They were concerned about the marraige part. You may go through a bumpy road but once the baby comes everyone usually is so excited they forget the circumstances. My dad told me that my baby was a blessing from God.

I know how hard it is to be on the other hand. My husband and I had been trying for almost 4years. And it was hard to hear of our friends becoming pregnant. But I was very happy for them, and yes they were uneasy to tell me at first because they knew what we were going through. Overtime It got easier for me. I knew there would be a day that I could be the one telling everyone, and that day has arrived. I am 16weeks pregnant with twins. Seeing everyone's reaction when we told them was worth it all, you really do know who your true friends are when you go through situations like this. We couldn't be happier and I know our friends and family are just as excited for us.

The first time I got pregnant, it was right after friends of ours had a miscarriage. We agonized over how (and when) to tell them, and finally decided to tell them right away but in a low-key (not gushing with happiness and pride) fashion, They were very happy for us and within a year became pregnant with their own little girl.
The second time I got pregnant, another set of friends became pregnant right after us. Unfortunately, they also suffered a miscarriage. Again, we have stayed low-key about everything, and they are happy for us.
No one should try to lay a guilt trip on you for getting pregnant when they couldn't - if they are a true friend or loving relative, they will be truly happy for you and not blame you. We experienced fertility problems conceiving our second and while we discussed it with family and sympathetic friends, we never expressed bitterness or got angry with more fortunate relatives and friends. I hope that your friends and family can put aside their own pain long enough to be happy for you, if not immediately, then soon. One more thing; the longer you wait to tell them, the harder it will be.

I know how alot of you are feeling. I am expecting my second child which my husband and I did'nt really plan it, but we are happy. I'm 28 and have friends the same age and in their 30's that are starting to hear the clock ticking. Telling some of my friends was a akward situation because I did'nt know how they would handle it. I think if they are truly your friends they can't help but to feel happy for you and be supportive however hard it may be. I still felt a little odd about talking "baby talk" around them and noticed that whenever I did one of my friends would get really quite. It can just be kind of a strange situation. I want my friends support but also remember to give them the support they need thru the tough battle of infertility.

My husband and I went through infertility treatments and it seemed like women were getting pregnant left and right, all around us, during our struggles. While it always hurt a little to hear the news about yet another pregnancy, it never hurt as much as people purposefully keeping the news from us. I couldn't stand it when people would wisper or change the subject when I was around. I was struggling, yes, but I'm not so sensative that I couldn't handle the truth and actually be happy for the person. Be honest with your friend. She can rejoice with you even during her hard times.

As a formerly infertile person myself, who is now pregnant through a donor egg procedure, I can tell you that no matter what you do, it will hurt that you are pregnant and that your friend is not. I, however, found that I was most impressed with other peoples' honesty and straightforwardness in such awkward times, for I didn't really want people to be stepping on eggshells around me either. And I didn't necessarily want people avoiding me. I did appreciate the fertile world's understanding that I was going through something difficult, though. I would suggest being straightforward, and telling your friend the good news, but not gloating over it, and not dwelling on it. A statement of understanding, and an admission that it was difficult to tell her goes a long way too. Don't expect too much support with the pregnancy either. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Trust me, infertility is DEVASTATING. She just can't be there for you now.

My husband and I had been trying for 18 months to conceive. It seemed that everywhere I turned, another one of my friends was pregnant and only tried to conceive about a month or two. The worst thing was people who said "It was an accident...we are not ready for another baby..." Those kinds of comments were so hard to digest since all we wanted was a baby. Several of my friends sort of tip-toed around me when they talked about babies. That was the last thing I wanted them to do b/c I wanted to be supportive of them and happy of their news. When we finally announced our pregnancy it was almost like a relief off everyone's shoulders. They were truly happy for us, but now we can talk freely about babies and no one feels awkward. My advice would be to definitely tell your friend because if they are a true friend they will understand and be genuinely happy for you and your husband. As hard as it is to do so, I'm sure your friend would appreciate hearing it from you and not someone else. It's probably not a good idea for her to hear the news second-hand. I've been on both sides of the fence and understand the situation you are in. Just remember that she is probably frustrated and overly-sensitive to everything going on right now. Infertility is something I never wish for anyone to experience. Good luck!

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