You Got My Child That?
By Jennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD,
Author of Princess Recovery: A How-To Guide to Raising Strong,
Empowered Girls Who Can Create Their Own Happily Ever Afters,

The holidays are filled with so many wonderful things: family,
friends, parties, religious endeavors, and, of course, gifts. All
of these things can bring us joy (along with the requisite
stress), but it is the gifts that often create the greatest source
of concern, especially if you have to worry about what people
around you are going to be purchasing for your daughter. Very
often, people buy things that are meaningful to them, and not as
meaningful to the receiver. Additionally, not everyone will
respect your desire to promote your daughter's empowerment.

Situations involving gifts do pose a unique challenge. People in
your life may not have the level of awareness you do, nor will
they share your concerns or have the same values about what will
promote a positive sense of self and confidence in your daughter.
In fact, many people you know may think you are making much ado
about nothing. It is inevitable that your awareness will lead to a
situation when what you want is not in line with what other people
want. For example, your sister may think that the Monster High
dolls are totally appropriate, cute and fun and the perfect
gift for your 6-year-old. You, on the other hand, do not want this
to be the message your daughter receives. How do you handle a
situation such as this?

First and foremost, as her parent, you get to decide. You may
accept the toy, and not allow her to use it. It may mean returning
the gift. It also may mean talking with the gift-giver about why
this is not an appropriate gift for your daughter. These
conversations are not going to be fun, and, it is so important
that you lead by example and advocate for your daughter's needs.

In Princess Recovery, four important points are
highlighted to help you manage these instances when they arrive
(and, be prepared, because they will!).

Educate Gently: It is important to speak up and to be
sure you are heard by the important people in your life. It is
essential to do this in a way that you are hear and respected.
Speak your mind clearly, and with appreciation. Always say thank
you, followed by how you feel. For example, you could say, "Thank
you so much for the gift. I know this is the hot toy right now.
Although we appreciate the gesture, we prefer not to have this
type of to in our house. I'd be happy to provide you with other
options, or, you can keep the toy for your daughter, if you'd
like!"

This might not be easy to say, especially if your initial
reaction is more emotional. Take a breath, and a minute, and be
open, honest and direct about what you think.

Be Specific: You are providing education to those around
you, so it is important to be sure they really understand where
you are coming from (without shoving it down their throats). You
know what you mean when you say you would prefer "gender neutral"
toys, but your mother-in-law might not. Explain what you mean, and
why you are making this request. Discuss why this is important to
you and the development of your daughter's healthy self-esteem.
Providing this kind of guidance will increase understanding,
decrease conflict and confusion and promote positive interactions.
And, you never know, you might encourage someone in your life to
see things a different way!

Consider the Relationship: Focus on the relationship
with the gift-giver over the gift. You may not agree with the
gift, but know that taking a strong stance against it will
potentially create damage with the person giving it to your
daughter. Keep that in mind when you consider making a fuss. It
may be easier to graciously accept the gift, and then have it
"magically" disappear. This is also an opportunity to talk with
your daughter about why the gift may be giving the wrong message
or offer alternative toys that you do approve of. Doing either of
these things will dull down the message and make the experience
less damaging.

Advocate For Your Daughter: Gifts are a time for you to
advocate for your daughter and teach her to advocate for herself.
Have open dialogues about why a gift may be inappropriate, talking
with her in an age-appropriate way. Be prepared for questions, and
possibly, some tantruming. Be mindful not to make promises you
will not be able to keep.

You can say something like: "Your dad and I don't think this toy
will teach you positive things. Let's go find some other options
that might." The key here is to identify the values you want to
instill in your daughter, and use these gift receiving
opportunities to highlight them.

The holidays bring joy and happiness, and can also a time of
great stress for many different reasons. Gift-giving, and
receiving, should not be an added source of stress. If you are
prepared, and ready for whatever might come your daughter's way,
you can keep the gifts you don't approve of out of your home . . .
and enjoy all of the fun, while maintaining the positive
relationships, that you want to be part of the holiday.

Author Bio
Jennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, author of Princess Recovery:
A How-To Guide to Raising Strong, Empowered Girls Who Can Create
Their Own Happily Ever Afters, a child and adolescent
psychologist, is a regular correspondent for The Early Show.
She has also appeared on Fox News, The Today Show,
and Headline News. Dr. Hartstein uses a variety of
treatment approaches that promote strong self-awareness, distress
tolerance, and acceptance. She lives in New York City.