tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37231846067065010092020-02-29T01:53:24.585-06:00The Cyber HermitPeople say "misanthrope" like it's a bad thing.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.comBlogger190125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-28997067046630917742014-11-01T16:24:00.000-05:002014-11-01T16:24:06.081-05:00<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/6000537/?claim=cx5cv38tgub">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a></span>The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-61734473607068194692014-10-08T17:57:00.000-05:002015-05-30T08:56:59.187-05:00God told me to write this...<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: FangSong; font-size: 20pt; line-height: 115%;">GRAVITY<o:p></o:p></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Sandra Bullock told me to leave my husband.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Well, that’s only partially true.&nbsp; It was God but he used Sandy to do it.&nbsp; God doesn’t often speak to me in words or pictures that are crystal clear but when he does, it’s generally one of two ways.&nbsp; The first method is more subtle.&nbsp; It’s a tap on the shoulder; a “hey, over here” kind of thing.&nbsp; The other method has all the subtlety of blunt force trauma.&nbsp; This time, though, was something between the two.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">A brief recap for those of you who might not have seen the movie:&nbsp; Dr. Ryan Stone (Bullock’s character) is part of a US space shuttle mission.&nbsp; Near the end of their mission, she and the rest of the shuttle crew are caught in a shower of debris from a destroyed Russian satellite that demolishes their shuttle and leaves Dr. Stone stranded in space with a very slim chance of ever returning to Earth.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">My life at the time I saw <i>Gravity </i>was feeling more and more fragmented.&nbsp; Like Bullock’s character, I saw almost no chance of our life returning to anything close to what it had been.&nbsp; When&nbsp;the Spousal Unit&nbsp;and I met and married, he was AA sober and had stayed that way for many years.&nbsp; However, over the last decade, and especially the last six years or so, his drinking had steadily increased to the point where he was now drinking copiously every day – whole bottles, morning and night.&nbsp; His willingness or desire to try and hide it was less and he was becoming more vocal about how I needed to just shut up and deal with it or leave.&nbsp; The SU and I were both in the grip of alcoholism and codependency.&nbsp; I wasn’t the one drinking but alcohol and its effects ruled both our lives:&nbsp; irresponsible behavior, isolation, lies, deceit, anger, sorrow, rage…<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Living with a drunk is difficult at best and soul-destroying at worst.&nbsp; Part of that is the actions and attitudes of the alcoholic but part of that generates from the person living with the alcoholic; in this case, me.&nbsp; In general, those of us who love alcoholics become part of the insanity without even really knowing it.&nbsp; To borrow the AA/Al-Anon phraseology, our lives become unmanageable but we don’t really see it.&nbsp; We’re so set on trying to figure out the set of circumstances, the ritual, the “bottom”, the ONE THING that will cause the alcoholic to realize what he or she is doing and turn away from their self-destruction and towards sobriety that we miss the signpost that says we passed the Twilight Zone a long time ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">To quote Eeyore:&nbsp; “It’ll never work.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">During this time, I started journaling again.&nbsp; My opening entries are full of anger and fear, so many of them starting with some variation of “SU drank.&nbsp; And lied.&nbsp; Again.”&nbsp; I desperately wanted change and healing.&nbsp; I wanted my husband back and I brought that to God time and time again.&nbsp; There was no one prayer.&nbsp; There was no one time.&nbsp; There was no one experience.&nbsp; All of it involved tears.&nbsp; I did not understand why I continually implored God to rescue my husband and was always met with the response (subtle in this case) to remain in the marriage, to continue to learn about God and to be Jesus with skin on to my husband.&nbsp; Didn’t God know how hard this was?&nbsp; I mean, seriously, dude (Lord)?&nbsp; You want me to be Jesus to a guy who gets blind drunk every night, calls me names, lies to me, threatens to beat me, leaves me feeling bereft, alone and insecure?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Every time I’d ask that, He’d say “Yes.&nbsp; I do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, I can see better what was happening at that time.&nbsp; In <i>The Cost of Discipleship, </i>Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about cheap grace versus costly grace.&nbsp; Cheap grace acknowledges what Jesus did for me but lets me go about living my life exactly as if nothing has changed.&nbsp; Costly grace calls us to follow Jesus, to understand what He did changed everything and I am to follow in his footsteps.&nbsp; With cheap grace, it was very easy to consider that God loved me.&nbsp; After all, I wasn’t the alcoholic.&nbsp; I wasn’t the one wreaking havoc.&nbsp; Costly grace told me to remember that my sins were no better than&nbsp;the Spousal Unit's&nbsp;and that God loved&nbsp;him just as much as He loved me and hurt just as much for&nbsp;the SU&nbsp;as I did.&nbsp; Cheap grace creates a hierarchy.&nbsp; Costly grace makes us all equal.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">While I prayed to God to change the Spousal Unit, God was working on changing me.&nbsp; One of the first things that He worked on was my willingness to be obedient and submit and one of the biggest ways I was asked to submit was by staying in my marriage because He was telling me to do so.&nbsp; God and I talked a lot about that one because, to be totally honest, there were a lot of days where I desperately wanted to leave.&nbsp; But I had to come to a place where I was willing to put God back in his proper place, to let him be my security above all else – even my husband and my relationship with him.&nbsp; To help with that, He pointed me towards Brennan Manning and Henri Nouwen.&nbsp; Manning wrote a Christian classic, <i>The Ragamuffin Gospel</i>, yet he struggled with alcoholism his whole life and died from its effects.&nbsp; Nouwen dealt with deep depression.&nbsp; Both of them wrote truthfully about their struggles and how God loves us as we are in all our brokenness and pain; that He hurts along with us even as He asks us to follow him and carry the crosses He assigns to us.&nbsp; Their writings gave me hope and showed me a God who was NOT indifferent but was, in fact, deeply involved in my life and in my particular circumstances.&nbsp; A journal entry of mine on that topic reads:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Whose mind, whose outlook do I adopt?&nbsp; God’s or man’s?&nbsp; I must deny the right to set myself up as the authority.&nbsp; You have my interests at heart.&nbsp; I must deny my desire to take authority and wrest this situation away from you.&nbsp; I must pick up my cross and follow you, seek you, become you.&nbsp; Be your beloved and find my identity and my safety in you and not the things of this world – not even my relationship with my husband.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Another thing God taught me was the need for consistent prayer and that my timing was not necessarily His.&nbsp; I learned to beat a path to Him every day and, more than that, to be honest when I prayed.&nbsp; A lot of times there was nothing very pretty about my prayers.&nbsp; There were no elegant words or pretty turns of phrase.&nbsp; If I recall correctly, there was some cursing involved at times.&nbsp; I had to ask forgiveness a lot for trying to impose my timeline and asking for proof.&nbsp; I had to learn that just because I didn’t <i>feel </i>like God was there didn’t mean He wasn’t.&nbsp; It meant I wasn’t experiencing Him the way I thought I should or wanted to and I had to back up and rethink my attitude and mindset.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">In <i>Gravity, </i>there is a point shortly after the space shuttle is destroyed where it appears communication with Mission Central in Houston has been lost.&nbsp; However, Dr. Stone keeps talking, telling Houston what she is doing, what is going on and what she is going to try to do next with the hope that they can hear her even if she can’t hear them.&nbsp; Every time she does, she starts off her transmission with “Houston in the blind” and I tend to classify a lot of my early prayers as starting off with some version of “Houston in the blind” because I was angry.&nbsp; Angry that even though I was praying and trying to do what God wanted me to, I still wanted my timeline.&nbsp; I wanted <i>my </i>miracle – even more so when it became very apparent that&nbsp;my husband&nbsp;would, in all likelihood, drink himself to death.&nbsp; You see stories all the time about God miraculously doing something or another in response to someone’s prayer and all those stories seem to sum up with “And the next thing you know…”.&nbsp; &nbsp;How could God ask me to stand by and try to be Jesus in a situation like this?&nbsp; Wasn’t He going to rescue my husband?&nbsp; Wasn’t there going to be some obvious, unmistakable turning point where everything magically became better?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Yeah…no.&nbsp; God can certainly do that if He wants to but a lot of times I think he has things to teach us in the midst of our suffering and we can only learn those if we choose to bend our will, submit and be obedient to what he asks us to do.&nbsp; In <i>Jesus, the One and Only, </i>Beth Moore writes, “A plan of profound importance exists that sometimes overrides the miracle we desperately desire.”&nbsp; She also says later that Jesus doesn’t only see our excitement but that he also sees our exhaustion.&nbsp; Well, he was seeing a lot of exhaustion with me.&nbsp; <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Let me tell you, obedience is a slog.&nbsp; It’s a painful, heartbreaking slog where you have to get up every day and ask for the strength to submit to Him again because you just don’t see the freaking point.&nbsp; You have to bend your stiff knees and remind yourself in prayer that you have asked for God’s will to be ascendant, not your own.&nbsp; You ask for patience when you can feel the frayed threads of your sanity ready to snap.&nbsp; Some days you can say that all in a normal tone of voice.&nbsp; Some days you scream it out in the car on the way to work.&nbsp; Or sob.&nbsp; Or a combination of both.&nbsp; <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s a good thing waterproof mascara exists.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">God <i>was</i> speaking to me but he was doing it in a book chapter here, a worship song there, a conversation with someone.&nbsp; Then, in July 2013, God spoke directly to me through my journal.&nbsp; I’m not going to write it all down but there were some very important things he said that I kept holding on to as things continued to get worse and worse:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do not try to steer.&nbsp; You don’t know the way, where I want you to go.&nbsp; Let me steer.&nbsp; You cannot perceive of what I am doing but I <u>am</u>about my Father’s business…. Your strength is&nbsp; in your submission…The beauty of what I will do is far beyond your imagining...Do not hold back until you “see” me act because you will miss it.&nbsp; Step forward.&nbsp; Act forward.&nbsp; Act in love.&nbsp; Act in faith…What you ask for will be done.&nbsp; Do not hasten it or try to craft it, push it into being.&nbsp; We are on my timeline. Walk the beaten path to me everyday…I will give you everything you need if you trust me to do so.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">That was in July.&nbsp; In December or so, we went to see <i>Gravity</i>.&nbsp; I remember watching&nbsp;the Spousal Unit&nbsp;to try and gauge how sober he was and settled down for what I figured was going to be just some time to turn my&nbsp;</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">mind off and get away from the wreck of my life and my marriage for a little while.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I got much more than that.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">One of the first introductions we get to Dr. Stone is when the mission commander, Matt Kowalski asks her what she does after work.&nbsp; She just says she listens to music and “just drives”.&nbsp; It turns out this is what she was doing when she received word her daughter had died from a freak accident and it’s what she’s kept doing since, caught up in an endless cycle.&nbsp; After the debris destroys the shuttle, Dr. Stone manages to make it to the International Space Station.&nbsp; She takes off her space suit and curls up in the fetal position, floating.&nbsp; The hoses attached to the airlock door look almost like umbilical cords.&nbsp; This was the point where I truly heard God say, “I want you to pay close attention from right now through the end of this movie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">What became clear to me through the words and pictures of <i>Gravity </i>was rebirth, was the idea of more than just the will to exist but to more than that, do more than survive.&nbsp; Bullock’s character became me in a way.&nbsp; She was showing all the behaviors and all the ways I’d shut down and shut myself off – I’d been “just driving” the same way she had been.&nbsp; When she makes the choice to try and get to the Chinese shuttle, <i>Tiangong</i>, and says that it’s time to stop just driving and go home, God said, “I want you to do this.”</span><br /><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span>&nbsp;</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">My response?&nbsp; You want me to fly in a space shuttle, God?&nbsp; Really?&nbsp; ‘Cause that’s a little weird, I gotta say.&nbsp; Also a little out of my price range.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">That was the moment God proved He has a sense of humor ‘cause he didn’t smite me.&nbsp; Instead, he said, “No, keep watching to see what I mean.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I watched the last several minutes of the movie feeling like I could barely breathe.&nbsp; The Chinese escape pod, pointed towards Earth, is caught in the planet’s gravity and Stone’s control of the pod and the outcome of her journey is negligible at best.&nbsp; She calls out to “Houston in the blind” and says:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">“All right, the way I see it, there’s only two possible outcomes:&nbsp; I either make it down in one piece and I’ll have a hell of a story to tell or I burn up in the next ten minutes.&nbsp; No harm, no foul.&nbsp; Either way, whichever way, it’ll be one hell of a ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">I’m ready.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0pt;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Stone then punches the ignition button and begins a bone-rattling, fiery free fall to Earth.&nbsp; At this point, I’m starting to cry because I understand what God is telling me.&nbsp; He’s saying, <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m going to ask you to do something that seems at least as scary as this.&nbsp; You’re going to feel like you’re in free fall too; completely out of control.&nbsp; You have to trust me and be ready.&nbsp; You have to love me more than you love your husband.&nbsp; You have to love clinging to me in uncertainty and faith more than you love the predictable insanity you now live in.&nbsp; You have to decide who you love more:&nbsp; the person I gave to you or the One who did the giving.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">On February 6<sup>th</sup>, I told my husband we needed to separate.&nbsp; My journal entry that day contains a plea to God that this not be the road He is asking me to walk down.&nbsp; On February 8<sup>th</sup>, our 22<sup>nd</sup>wedding anniversary, I wrote: “Henri (Nouwen) talks about choosing to respond to circumstances and how you can choose to respond with joy.&nbsp; Right now all I have is sorrow.&nbsp; Abba, the cry of my heart is that this can be stopped. ..my first request is for my husband to be returned.&nbsp; If not, help me to be obedient to you and walk the path and someday find joy again in it.”&nbsp; <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">That was my own way of saying “I’m ready.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">At what looks like the last possible second in the movie, Stone’s escape pod releases its parachute.&nbsp; My parachute came in the form of friends, and family and church members who grieved with me and helped me do the things I needed to do in order to move out and set up my own apartment.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The parachute deployed again when my husband left me a note pleading with me to help get him to rehab and God moved swiftly and obviously, bringing together both the rehab and the funds to get&nbsp;him there in just a four days.&nbsp; On February 14<sup>th</sup>, I put my husband on a plane to California to begin three months of rehab (which means I <i>totally </i>win Valentine’s Day forever).&nbsp; My prayer that day and every day since has been for both of us to have the courage to face up to the triggers, issues and pain we have been carrying around, that we would have the strength to submit and seek to make God the center of our lives both individually and collectively as a couple.&nbsp; I’ve prayed for both of us to be able to find the resources He will provide to live in a state of separation while we work on reconciliation – and He has.&nbsp; He’s provided my husband with a job, a place to live and even a car.&nbsp; He’s provided us a therapist who cuts through the smokescreens we cling to and helps us figure out other ways to go with care and with honesty (and not without a little sarcasm as well).<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">He’s now been sober nearly eight months.&nbsp; We are tentatively talking about living together again and how that will work.&nbsp; There are no guarantees he will never drink again.&nbsp; Of course, there’s no guarantee I won’t try to revert to previously insane behavior again so, you know, all’s fair.&nbsp; Our therapist asked me during our session last week what I would do if&nbsp;the Spousal Unit&nbsp;started drinking again.&nbsp; My response was that if he stumbled but got back up on the horse, I would have all the time in the world for him.&nbsp; If it began to turn into what it had been previously, it would depend on the situation and what God was telling me to do.&nbsp; But I know now that I can do more than survive.&nbsp; I can do more than “just drive” whether or not he is drinking, whether or not our marriage falters or is renewed.&nbsp; <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Either way, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div>The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-5680961816637569532014-07-06T18:09:00.002-05:002014-07-06T18:09:33.636-05:00Tales from the CouchWe're nearly five months into the sobriety thing and almost a month into couples' therapy. &nbsp;I have to say this round of therapy is an improvement because at least he's showing up sober to the sessions. &nbsp;It makes a difference...<br /><br />Sometimes I really just feel like I'm flailing like that robot from <i>Lost in Space </i>("Danger, Will Robinson! &nbsp;My arms are flailing wildly!"). &nbsp;I have yet to be handed the road map to this kind of experience and most of my thought process is taken up by behavior (mine and his) and is it healthy, dysfunctional and so on and so far ad infinitum, ad nauseum. &nbsp;Our therapist, Cortana, protege of Master Chief, has told us flat out that prognosis is poor for couples unless both are fully committed to the hard work and the long haul. &nbsp;We are trying to work through years of dysfunction and alcoholism and it can be <i>exhausting</i>.<br /><br />In session last week, the Spousal Unit talked about how he felt resentment that I had continued my plans to move out versus waiting to see the "finished product". &nbsp;In his mind, I did not say I was going to move out until after he went to rehab. &nbsp;I refrained from my first response which was something along the lines of his timeline was incorrect because he was blitzed/in a blackout for the entire month of January - which is when I told him - so his recollections suck ass. &nbsp;I think I pared it down to "As far as I remember, that's incorrect" and then clamped my lips shut before the rest of it could escape.<br /><br />Cortana made an interesting comment then. &nbsp;I'd had kind of unformed thoughts around what she said but she put it into perspective. &nbsp;She asked the SU a little about his first marriage and how that ended. &nbsp;When he asked her why she'd wanted to know, she told him that she wanted some background because a lot of times someone may be having a conversation with the person in front of them but they're actually looking just over that person's shoulder at the memory behind them.<br /><br />I do think the Spousal Unit is worried that my creating the separation is going to make it easier for me to either say I want a divorce or to "find" someone else. &nbsp;To the first? &nbsp;Never been my intention. &nbsp;To the second? &nbsp;That would imply I'm looking and, frankly, I'd rather run naked through poison ivy and then roll around in honey and dive headfirst into an anthill as a finale. &nbsp;So...no. &nbsp;But okay, I think I kinda get it. &nbsp;Rehab was/is in part to save our marriage. &nbsp;I mean, it is. &nbsp;But it was also to save his life and to save mine. &nbsp;To do that, I had to leave, to get somewhere where I could start to sort things out and get healthier my own self. It was never a case of one of us being totally in the wrong and the other a perfect angel. &nbsp;It's easy to point to his drinking but I have my own junk - it was just better hidden.<br /><br />Time away has given me perspective. &nbsp;I can see the insanity we were living in. &nbsp;Sure, I could have stayed. &nbsp;I could have stayed and been abused. &nbsp;I could have stayed and come home to his body some day after work. &nbsp;I could have stayed and done a lot of things. &nbsp;I stayed as long as God told me to even when there were days I wanted to walk out the door long before God finally said "OK, step aside. &nbsp;It's my turn."<br /><br />And I do love the SU. &nbsp;I love him a lot. &nbsp;He makes my heart glad when I see him. &nbsp;But I also can still see all the crap floating around that I have to deal with if I'm going to be healthy with or without him. &nbsp;And I have to say "without him" because I don't know how this will end up. &nbsp;He's also his own person. &nbsp;We both want to be married to each other but the other side of the coin has to at least be acknowledged. &nbsp;<i>Nobody </i>is guaranteed a happy ending and our better ending is only going to come about by dint of much blood, sweat and tears.<br /><br />I want it. &nbsp;I want to work at it. &nbsp;But it's scary and frightening. &nbsp;This is not where I thought I would be at close to 25 years of marriage. &nbsp;To be completely honest, there are some days I think it would be easier just to <i>not </i>work at it. &nbsp;I can admit that I like my own apartment, that I like being able to buy and cook the foods I like without hearing about icky vegetables. &nbsp;I like the quiet and I like the peace. &nbsp;But I also miss the sound of a guitar being played and someone to snuggle up next to at night. &nbsp;I miss sitting and holding hands while watching TV (and just for the record, honey, Quarles <i>did </i>die at the end of season 3 of <i>Justified</i>. &nbsp;You don't lose a limb like that and just walk away :P).<br /><br />I pray every day for the restoration of our marriage. &nbsp;But I also pray that I walk in God's will for my life and not mine. &nbsp;That can be hard because sometimes (well, a lot of the time) God's will has been different than what I've wanted and it can be heartwrenching to say "yes" to God and "no" to what I want. &nbsp;Right now I'm praying not to live in fear of "what may" but to work on "what is", to ask God for what I need for this day only and to work on letting him be in charge of the rest. &nbsp;Some days it's easier than others.<br /><br />Kinda like therapy.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-19726511789225306062014-06-01T17:33:00.003-05:002014-06-01T17:33:41.852-05:00The Life Raft of The Dawn TreaderThe Spousal Unit has been back for about two weeks now and we've settled into what I guess is a kind of normal for us. &nbsp;This is truly a set of experiences that I desperately wish there was some kind of road map to follow, left behind by others who have gone before.<br /><br />Yeah...not so much.<br /><br />Right now he has no funds except what little I managed to save from our joint account and the money I've put in from my own account every now and then when I can. &nbsp;I've kept him on my insurance so he has relatively inexpensive access to the meds he needs. &nbsp;I've bought him groceries each week.<br /><br />Part of me feels the things I'm helping him with are unfair. &nbsp;He *censored* up yet it is still affecting me - has never stopped affecting me. &nbsp;I know rehab isn't a vacation, per se, but for those three months the SU didn't have to worry about groceries, bills, et cetera, while I did. &nbsp;I had to coordinate my move into my apartment as well as the closing down of our old apartment. &nbsp;NOT&nbsp;that I'm going to say God wasn't there in that because He was. &nbsp;His generosity along with the love and generosity of His people made these last three months something...good; in a way, even awesome.<br /><br />But I struggle with the idea that I took care of things then and I'm still doing it now. &nbsp;Part of it, I know, is I have a money button. &nbsp;My dad was never very responsible with it and, for me, having a surplus on hand represents security. &nbsp;I wonder at times if that makes me akin to the parables about those who try to store treasures on earth. &nbsp;They store treasures. &nbsp;I look for a particular number that makes me comfortable. Although, come to think of it, they never <i>stopped </i>storing up treasure and I never found a number that made me comfortable. &nbsp;Ah, irony. <br /><br />Maybe that's what God has been trying to drum into my head? &nbsp;Not to spend willy-nilly but to be generous with the Spousal Unit as my Abba has been generous with me. &nbsp;It was God who paved the way for the SU to be in rehab in four days from his initial request. &nbsp;It was God who showed his provision for me with all of his people who offered money, love, supplies and time. &nbsp;Now that I have the opportunity to model this for the Spousal Unit, I balk?<br /><br />To give the Spousal Unit his due, he has set out to do exactly what he said he would: &nbsp;demonstrate a commitment to sobriety. &nbsp;He has attended a meeting each day since his return. &nbsp;He has a sponsor. &nbsp;He starts his new job on Monday. &nbsp;He is respecting my boundaries.<br /><br />I think part of what makes this difficult for me is that there are so many triggers - some of which I don't even know about until they get set off. &nbsp;Let's take yesterday for example. &nbsp;We went to Walmart. &nbsp;He pulled the truck into a space and I started to get out just as he took his foot off the clutch. &nbsp;The truck jolted forward a couple feet. &nbsp;This is a normal "oops!" moment for anyone else. &nbsp;It's an "Oh no, he's been drinking!" moment for me even though there was no indication of it. &nbsp;It's a trigger. &nbsp;It's past behavior that is now inextricably linked to something bad even though, now, there may be a totally benign explanation.<br /><br />I do my best to not ask about his meeting attendance or what he does with his sponsor. &nbsp;His recovery, not mine and controlling co-dependence is so unattractive :P. &nbsp;I definitely need not to try and control for my own recovery and mental health (scroll back through previous entries to see how well my attempts to control his drinking worked. &nbsp;Cliff's Notes answer? &nbsp;Not very well). &nbsp;But holy cow, it' shard! &nbsp;I want to know. &nbsp;And I want reassurances. &nbsp;And I want them in a language <i>I </i>can understand. &nbsp;But I also know that to "make" him do or say the things I want him to will not really assuage my fears in the end. &nbsp;They will be done or said because I demanded them and not because they came honestly from him. &nbsp;I have to...HAVE TO...let him say or not say, do or not do, what he will in terms of recovery and relationship repair. &nbsp;And all the time, I have to be working on my own healthier boundaries and expectations.<br /><br />Separating and attempting reconciliation along with mental health is a ball of laughs, let me tell you.<br /><br />We've had two date nights so far. &nbsp;He comes over on Saturday afternoons to do his laundry. &nbsp;We hang out on the sofa, watch <i>Cops </i>and cook frozen pizza. &nbsp;It's actually not a huge change from what we used to do but it has been a long time since we've done it. &nbsp;It's nice. &nbsp;We've both said how much we've missed doing things like this. &nbsp;No spending the night yet. &nbsp;I'm not ready and neither is he. &nbsp;I want my apartment to be my safe space a little longer; introduce him gradually into my new world.<br /><br />To work on forgiveness and grace in such an active manner is painful at times. &nbsp;The SU was a blackout drinker, meaning he has no recollection of a lot of the things he did or said. &nbsp;BUT I DO. &nbsp;Vivid, technicolor memories. &nbsp;That means I also have to work past wanting my pound of flesh (carefully weighed and measured, mind you) for the pain he has caused me over the years.<br /><br />However, I'm currently reading Timothy Keller's <i>Jesus the King </i>as part of my study. &nbsp;In it, Keller talks about the need to go deeper in a relationship with Jesus past the "I wants" and the attempts to carve out or preserve what we believe our identity should be instead of building it on Jesus. &nbsp;Doing that and letting Jesus go as deep as He needs to in order to be our foundation is risky and painful. &nbsp;Keller illustrates this with the chapters of C.S. Lewis' <i>Voyage of the Dawn Treader</i>&nbsp;where Eustace has been turned into a dragon by his own greed and thoughts.<br /><br />Just when Eustace thinks there is no hope left, Aslan appears, tells him to undress and jump in a pool of water. &nbsp;Eustace figures out "undress" means to shed his dragon skin and starts trying to do so layer by layer. &nbsp;But as much as he gnaws and tears, each shed layer only reveals another layer underneath.<br /><br />It's at this point Aslan tells Eustace that <i>"you're going to have to let me go deeper" </i>(i.e. use his claws to divest Eustace of his dragon hide). &nbsp;Eustace is afraid because, hey, claws! (and remember Aslan is not a <i>tame </i>lion, either). &nbsp;But he agrees. &nbsp;In describing it, Eustace says, <i>"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. &nbsp;And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt."</i>&nbsp; Soon, though, the skin is off, dark and ugly-looking and piled to the side. &nbsp;Eustace is thrown in the pool and realizes he is a boy again.<br /><br />Keller's point is that Eustace tried to do it little by little and could never have succeeded on his own. &nbsp;He desperately wanted to be a boy again but tried to do it just by taking Aslan's instruction as a suggestion and never asking him how to get the dragon hide off. &nbsp;It was only when he let Aslan take over that the change, the transformation, occurred. &nbsp;We have to - I have to - let Jesus "use his claws", as Keller puts it, and reconfigure the main thing my heart wants. &nbsp;The SU remaining sober is one of my most heartfelt wishes but as has been shown time and again, MY attempts to grant MY wish have ended in failure. &nbsp;I have to let Jesus act as Savior and know that even though He can grant me what I want with a snap of his fingers, I need to let Him go deeper, let him deal with and remove/change the anger and fear that threads through my relationship with the Spousal Unit. &nbsp;Forgive and be forgiven. &nbsp;That's the only way either of us will ever receive true healing.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-31478280223353726012014-05-15T16:38:00.001-05:002014-05-15T16:38:42.077-05:00Starting OverYep...long time again since I posted anything. &nbsp;Maybe I should make *that* my subheading for this blog.<br /><br />The Spousal Unit came home from rehab today. &nbsp;I did meet him at the airport and took him to lunch. &nbsp;He was really tired since he'd gotten up at 3:30 PST for his flight and then flew to CST so I think that played a part in how quiet he was being but there was definitely some awkwardness between us.<br /><br />He looks really good. &nbsp;I would say that rehab agreed with him. &nbsp;He's lost a bunch of weight, his eyes are bright and clear, he has a tan and a new flattop. &nbsp;He told me he's going to a meeting tonight.<br /><br />But still...<br /><br />Since we are still separated, a guy in the church has a mobile home he said the SU could live in rent free for a while. &nbsp;This is good since the SU has no income right now except for what I've been putting into the last of our joint bank account to help. &nbsp;We drove out there and, well, he's definitely back to where I met him post-divorce: living in a rusty single-wide.<br /><br />Looking around, half my brain immediately flashed to how I needed to make this better because (as per previous entries) still working on that codependency thing. &nbsp;The other half kept trying to tell me that this was *not* my fault. &nbsp;This is more of his consequences. &nbsp;I also kept wanting to ask him if he was mad at me but I didn't.<br /><br />We came back to town and went our separate ways. &nbsp;I'm now having an ugly cry while I write this. &nbsp;Go me :P. &nbsp;I know today was harder than I thought it would be but, then again, I've never been separated from my husband so how the heck would I know what to expect?<br /><br />I'd like to be all eloquent about this situation - maybe wax a little philosophical - but all I can say is that the hurt is still there and the wounds are still there; slightly healed, maybe, but still just as painful. &nbsp;Everyone keeps asking me what the plan is. &nbsp;Well, I don't have one. &nbsp;All I'm doing is repeating the "Three C's" to myself: &nbsp;didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.. &nbsp;I desperately want someone to tell me that it's all going to be okay. &nbsp;Instead, I have to keep going back to Step One: &nbsp;I am powerless. &nbsp;I have done my part and am continuing to do my part. &nbsp;I can't control his. &nbsp;I can't make it better no matter how much I want to because that's part of the dynamic of the past. &nbsp;If I want a chance at a new future, I have to put all this stuff I'm talking about into practice.<br /><br />Have I mentioned how much this sucks?The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-90292198755837923182014-03-31T16:56:00.000-05:002014-03-31T16:56:20.747-05:00New DigsI just noticed that it's been a long time since I posted anything...oops.<br /><br />The Spousal Unit completed his 30 days of rehab and has since moved to a sister facility for aftercare. &nbsp;Insurance has okayed at least 30 days which will take him to the middle of April. &nbsp;We are praying for another 30 days to give him a full 90. &nbsp;When I talk to him, he sounds like a completely different person than the man I have been living with for the past seven years. &nbsp;He talks about a renewed optimism and hope and being focused 100% on his recovery. &nbsp;He also said in a letter I received Saturday that he wants to demonstrate the ability to live sober so he can regain my faith and trust and affection in him.<br /><br />The only thing we kind of have words about is the separation. &nbsp;I finished moving out of our old apartment into a one-bedroom this weekend. &nbsp;It's a little scary and I'm praying I can be a good steward of my funds but there is a sense of peace in coming home to something completely different that is totally my own. &nbsp;There are no memories. &nbsp;It's a clean slate and this place will become what I make it rather than be a reminder of what happened before. &nbsp;I woke up Sunday morning and felt relaxed which is a new feeling for me. <br /><br />His contention (and I'm not sure how much he's truly holding on to it and how much is his sadness over taking this step) is that he would have liked to have tried living together when he gets back. &nbsp;I asked him if he truly thought that would be possible to live together, tripping over each other's triggers while trying to become healthy. &nbsp;He admitted he didn't know but insisted he would have liked to try. &nbsp;I finally just told him that wasn't possible for me and that was kind of the end of our phone call that night. &nbsp;It made me feel bad and I found myself questioning if I was doing the right thing. &nbsp;I put the question to several people I trusted and got a resounding "yes" from them so... <br /><br />I do agree but, emotionally, it's a hard thing and it's not helped by my good old friend, codependence. &nbsp;You know, I swore for the longest time I was not codependent and then my new therapist, Cortana, made a few, er, astute observations and my response was "Dammit, Jim! &nbsp;I *am* codependent." &nbsp;So now I get to separate what is a healthy emotional response from me wanting to fix things for him - which I did a lot of. &nbsp;I get that now. &nbsp;But I think I'm learning to make dividing lines. &nbsp;For example, the SU asked if I would check with our previous therapist, Master Chief, to see if he could recommend some therapists - preferably ones in recovery themselves. &nbsp;I asked, got the answer, and told him I would send him the info but that he was responsible for making the appointment. &nbsp;Before, I would have done it or else asked him a bizillion times if he had. &nbsp;So, yeah...therapy and Al-anon once a week are hopefully a healthier person making...<br /><br />I would be remiss if I didn't point to how much and how awesome God has been in my life. &nbsp;He continues to absolutely amaze me with specific answers to prayer, with support and encouragement from so many people. &nbsp;Heck, *eleven* people from the church showed up to help me move. &nbsp;People have asked for the SU's address to write him notes and send him things. &nbsp;People have stopped me before and after church to ask how each of us is doing and what they can pray for. &nbsp;Resources to help pay bills have shown up or been offered. &nbsp;It's truly been amazing and something I never would have even dreamed would be poured out over me. &nbsp;God has been such a wonderful, gracious God and I cannot thank Him enough for all He has done and continues to do.<br /><br />I guess the only thing to say is that the process continues with reconciliation still the goal for both of us. &nbsp;In speaking to his counselor, she says that is what the SU is working towards also - is a stated goal of his - and she believes that if both of us continue on the path we are on that we will be able to do it.<br /><br />Here's hoping.<br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-8212348675355890052014-03-04T06:29:00.000-06:002014-03-04T06:29:04.980-06:00A Different Lens(My journal entry from yesterday, March 3rd)<br /><br />Something so simple hit me like kind of a "duh" moment in my reading. &nbsp;Brennan Manning points out that Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened" because He KNEW there would be times of being tired and discouraged. &nbsp;It wasn't just an exhortation to the emotionally downtrodden or the poor. &nbsp;It was a reminder, a signpost for all of us to come to Him every time we are discouraged and weary. &nbsp;No one can walk through it with us the way Jesus can. &nbsp;My own journey has been living, solid proof of that.<br /><br />"Come to me." &nbsp;Not because He will make it all better or because He will always reveal some miraculous plan for you to follow. &nbsp;You may still have to walk through every last thing. &nbsp;But come to Him because He will sustain you. &nbsp;He will give you strength and comfort. &nbsp;He will give you a peace that is beyond your comprehension and is even a little but puzzling. &nbsp;You're in the midst of craptasticness! &nbsp;Why should you feel peace? &nbsp;Because you've gone to Jesus as he asked and said, "Lord, I cannot carry this burden alone. &nbsp;I need help." &nbsp;And he does.<br /><br />Henri Nouwen calls us to embrace all of our past - good and bad - because all of it has brought us to where we are now. &nbsp;Nothing happened outside of God's notice or His love. &nbsp;Even the things we are not grateful for having experienced need to be looked at - and looked at with God's eyes and NOT ours. &nbsp;Through the good and bad events in our lives, we can be brought to "a deeper recognition of God's mercy, a stronger conviction of God's guidance, and a more radical commitment to a life in God's service." &nbsp;But to do so, I think we have to let go of the fear, shame and anger that comes from the bad experiences. &nbsp;It is easy to thank or praise God for good experiences, for the ones we perceive as blessings or gifts. &nbsp;To embrace the bad, I think we have to give up the "why?". &nbsp;Why did this happen to me? &nbsp;Why do I have to deal with this? &nbsp;That is in no way an easy thing to do but getting stuck on "why" narrows my field of vision to me and only me. &nbsp;There is no larger context because I have made myself the center of my universe. &nbsp;By going to Jesus ("come to me...") and laying my need to know why, to understand what is happening to me at His feet (again and again if necessary and I know it has been for me at times), I gain a larger perspective.<br /><br />It doesn't happen all at once. &nbsp;It may be slowly and over time. &nbsp;But I realize that I am in this alone. &nbsp;God has provided not only Himself and His Son but resources to help me, His Word and fellow Christians being chief among them. &nbsp;I may never know "why" but "why" has become less important as I seek God's guidance and rely on His strength to go through whatever is in front of me.<br /><br /><i>Rom 12:12 - "Be glad for all God is planning for you. &nbsp;Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful."</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-28112230316291112112014-02-24T20:13:00.004-06:002014-02-24T20:13:48.188-06:00Moving ForwardI've been working on the things I need for my new apartment and how to pack up this one. &nbsp;I signed the lease for the new place and set up cable/internet also (only $27.99/month!). &nbsp;I get the keys on the 27th and formally take possession on the 28th. &nbsp;Then its a matter of moving over what I can until the guys come to help on the 28th of March.<br /><br />I did go to my first Al-anon meeting. &nbsp;Walked in and immediately ran into someone I knew. &nbsp;Funny, God. &nbsp;Very funny :P.<br /><br />I separated our DVDs and put mine in some milk crates to take over and found myself crying while I did it. &nbsp;There are large stretches of time where I am okay and then, with things like the DVDs, it's like ripping a scab off a wound and the hurt is fresh again. &nbsp;Cortana may actually get to see me cry in therapy this week.<br /><br />In the midst of all this, God has continued to be very good and very present. &nbsp;I've been blessed with some really supportive friends and that has been awesome for a still-kinda-introvert like myself.<br /><br />I did get to speak to the Spousal Unit on Sunday night. &nbsp;He earned phone privileges and was able to make a ten minute phone call. &nbsp;I had discussed some ground rules with his therapist on how to verbally maintain my boundaries with him and remind him that the separation is part of his consequences. &nbsp;I think I managed it. &nbsp;He verified he's requested to check and see if my insurance will cover a 60-day aftercare facility which I told him was awesome and I fully support. &nbsp;He then said "But you'll be gone by the time I get back." &nbsp;I let it slide by and said only yes, then added that my &nbsp;prayer is still for us to reconcile and that both of us need to be healthier and working our issues for that to happen. &nbsp;He did seem to be okay with that - at least for the ten minutes we talked. &nbsp;I'm hoping he heard past the depression and issues he's working with to the fact that I love him and want to stay married to him.<br /><br />He says he gets to do ten minute calls on Wednesday and Saturday or Sunday, depending, and that the rehab is really working him. &nbsp;They are heavily scheduled and with therapy every day also. &nbsp;They had to put him on Valium when he arrived at the detox unit to try and help him but they have since weaned him off it. &nbsp;The exact phrase the SU used was "I feel like a brand new man". &nbsp;(My inner voice mentioned that, yes, one might feel better once one stopped drinking two liters of vodka a day).<br /><br />I'm hoping my insurance will cover the aftercare and that the SU really digs into the issues that "terrify" him and gets down and dirty with himself, that his focus shifts first to "what my life can look like sober" and then to "what my life and marriage can look like sober". &nbsp;In the meantime, I'm hoping I can keep it together and be the boundary person I need to be for him and figure out a little more what I'm going to look like as I move into this next phase.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-47971531050095595692014-02-17T15:58:00.002-06:002014-02-17T20:55:42.628-06:00The Gospel According to PinkThe Spousal Unit has been in rehab since Friday. &nbsp;It's very quiet in my neck of the woods. &nbsp;It's been so long since I've experienced anything like it that it's almost a little eerie. &nbsp;I don't remember how it felt to just sit and be still or just sit and listen to the stillness around me.<br /><br />When I got home Friday morning, I started crying (again) and said thank you to God a bunch of times. &nbsp;I am utterly, truly grateful that God moved so very quickly to get my Spousal Unit into rehab. &nbsp;And, a few days later, I'm still grateful but it's also like I can start to feel the...weight of current and future changes settle down on me. &nbsp;Things are going to be changing in a lot of ways. &nbsp;The hope and prayer is that the end result will be restoration and reconciliation but this is still unsettling in the fact that I've lived one way for almost ten years and now I'm going to be taking steps on a new path - by myself to some extent. &nbsp;Not that I won't have the support of my friends and church (as will the SU) but rehab, separation...all that was never in my plans and now it's here.<br /><br />I've been listening to Pink's "Try" a lot. &nbsp;It's meant different things at different times. &nbsp;For a long time, it was kind of my "keep going" song while God was telling me to stay and to be Jesus to the SU. &nbsp;Now that we are at this point, it's started to mean something different to me. &nbsp;However, I keep gravitating to the chorus nowadays. &nbsp;It's not in the "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" sense. &nbsp;It's more that even with all the hurt and confusion and worry I feel, I can't give up. &nbsp;I have to get up each day and try to do what I need to do to repair myself and be ready for the hoped-for reconciliation:<br /><br />Where there is desire, there's gonna to be a flame<br />Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned<br />But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die<br />You gotta get up and try, try, try<br /><br />It's not easy. &nbsp;I'm sleeping like crap right now and expect to for a while. &nbsp;I wake up multiple times throughout the night. &nbsp;Some of it is ingrained from night after night of getting up to see where the SU had passed out this time and try to get him into bed. &nbsp;Some of it is just that I plain miss him. &nbsp;And a lot of it is probably stress, etc., related to suddenly having something removed that has been a part of my life for years (even if it wasn't good).<br /><br />I worry. &nbsp;This is prime time for worrying. &nbsp;One of the things I worry about is money. &nbsp;God has been very good in terms of provision so far but money is one of my buttons and has been since my childhood. &nbsp;I set up my power to be turned on in the new apartment and found out I have to pay $215 as a "new" account even though it's the same company we've been using and I'm only moving one building over. &nbsp;I'm buying only minimal groceries and trying to keep enough money to pay both March and April rent (the SU should be home mid-March if he only does 30 days. &nbsp;I move out March 28th).. &nbsp;I don't know what he's going to do come May. &nbsp;This morning, I took a walk for my workout today and scrounged around in car ashtrays and loose coins on desks so I could buy a cup of coffee rather than use any of the remaining funds in our bank account. &nbsp;Money is a chink in my armor and I'm going to have to work hard on continually turning that over to God and trusting Him.<br /><br />Master Chief has referred me to a new therapist who has been through this and will also cost less but my brain says "Hey, that's $40 dollars that you could be saving instead." &nbsp;That's where I try to use Pink because therapy is part of my "try, try, try". &nbsp;I cannot get better on my own. &nbsp;I cannot deal with the issues I need to on my own. &nbsp;God provided Master Chief and now he's provided Cortana (dude, I have got to stop with the pop culture references at some point). <br /><br />I'm also going to investigate local Alanon meetings again. &nbsp;I told the SU I would and it's another resource. &nbsp;I tried Celebrate Recovery a few years ago and...no. &nbsp;When you know more than the small group leader and end up facilitating the discussion, it kinda makes you not want to come back. &nbsp;I've successfully used that excuse to avoid any other CR or Alanon groups. &nbsp;But I'm going to have to "try" as another commitment to my own recovery along with trying to remember the things I liked to do before and making myself do them again.<br /><br />I sound really firm, really committed as I read this over but part of me is quaking in my boots. &nbsp;My church as been truly awesome. &nbsp;Support is there both for the SU and myself. &nbsp;I managed to let our life group know what was going on last night and they prayed for both the SU and me. &nbsp;But sitting here alone I can feel the weight of change and it's kinda scary. &nbsp;Well, no, it's a lot scary.<br /><br />But I'll get up and try. &nbsp;I want the opportunity. &nbsp;I want to change. &nbsp;I need to change. &nbsp;Change can be good. &nbsp;It just sucks that sometimes it really hurts along the way.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-14201157688865051662014-02-14T10:43:00.002-06:002014-02-14T10:43:38.757-06:00God movesA lot has happened since the last post...<br /><br />Shortly after writing it, I went to an appointment with our therapist, Master Chief. &nbsp;I told him that I had made the decision to move out and he agreed it was the right one which really helped a lot when combined with all the friends who have been praying for me/us this whole time. &nbsp;He put into words the abusive relationship this has turned into and that I have definitely done what Jesus has asked of me. &nbsp;We talked about what if the Spousal Unit went to rehab and I told him that even if he did, I would still separate because (a) 30 days is a start, (b) he needs to learn to live as an outpatient and a sober individual (and find a job), and (c) I need some time to live in a safe, secure place and learn to understand and hopefully dismantle some of my own triggers. &nbsp;He agreed that was the right call as well.<br /><br />The SU actually asked about rehab. &nbsp;After I got over my "you're serious?" moment because he's been Jekyll-and-Hyde-ing faster than I can keep up, I said I would check with my insurance and got some recommendations from Master Chief that he thought highly of and were out of the state so it would be less easy for the SU to just leave. &nbsp;I settled on one and called them just to get some information. &nbsp;The intake counselor that I talked to was *amazing*. &nbsp;We did the whole intake questionnaire and he interfaced with my insurance to find which of their rehab sites would have the best coverage. &nbsp;What it came down to was we would need to pay $600 up front and buy him a plane ticket to California.<br /><br />That was a bit of a sticking point since the SU had recently lost his job. &nbsp;Money is very tight. &nbsp;So I sucked it up and placed a phone call to my father-in-law. &nbsp;My FIL is a good man but has always been kind of rigid and not really one for showing his emotions. &nbsp;(The SU cannot ever remember my FIL saying he was proud of the SU), &nbsp;When I explained what was going on, the first words out of my FIL's mouth were "What can I do to help?" &nbsp;I told him about the money need and asked if he would be willing to front the money to me. &nbsp;If so, I would pay him back each month. &nbsp;He said, "We'll talk about all that later. &nbsp;I'll write the check and get it in the mail today."<br /><br />God removes hurdle #1.<br /><br />In the meantime, the SU is still up all night and drinking heavily. &nbsp;He leaves me notes that plead with me to get him into rehab. &nbsp;I told him where we were with it and that he would hopefully be in rehab in about a week to two weeks. &nbsp;HIS job was to make sure he would be sober enough they would let him on a plane. &nbsp;He promised he would be.<br /><br />I called back the counselor and asked how we work the money issue once I have the check. &nbsp;He asked me to hang on for a moment and then got back on the phone to tell me that, based on what I've told them about the SU, they want to get him into treatment immediately. &nbsp;Therefore, THEY will book the plane ticket and I can send a post-dated check with the SU for the $600 and the plane fare to coincide with when I should have the FIL's check deposited.<br /><br />God removes hurdle #2.<br /><br />I started this process on Monday. &nbsp;It is now Friday. &nbsp;My pastor, his wife and I took the SU to the airport this morning for a 6am flight. &nbsp;He texted me from his layover in Houston as he was about to get on the plane. &nbsp;They should be calling to let me know he's there in California in about two hours.<br /><br />I am absolutely overwhelmed and grateful at the way my Abba has moved. &nbsp;After we dropped off the SU, I came back home and just sat and cried a little while and kept saying "thank you". &nbsp;I know it is not over by a long shot but there is hope where before there was none. &nbsp;He and I will both have a long road ahead but my heart and my prayer is still for renewal and reconciliation.<br /><br />Throughout this process, I have been blessed by so many people through comments or a hug or listening to me cry my eyes out. &nbsp;Sharing this stuff - even in a blog - has been a step of growth for me because I have always been one to play things close to the vest. &nbsp;Even Master Chief has noted that I try not to cry in our sessions. &nbsp;When he asked me why, I told him there was no point; doesn't solve anything.<br /><br />Learning to let people come alongside me and let them in has been a slow, painful process but I would hate to think where I might be if I had not. &nbsp;I have been reading a lot of Henri Nouwen lately and when I got home from the airport, the selection today talked about one of the best ways to deal with sorrow is to share it "with someone who can receive" it, that we honor our friends when we trust them enough to share with them what we are struggling with, and that if we really want to grow and mature spiritually, God will send us the friends we need. &nbsp;I get that now in a way that I never really did before and I guess I had to go through this to learn it and so I can be that friend to someone coming along behind me.<br /><br />I don't know what will happen next. &nbsp;I don't know if he'll come home in 30 days or need to stay longer. &nbsp;I don't know what it will be like to be separated and working towards reconciliation with Sober SU - what he will look like, act like, et cetera. &nbsp;I haven't seen him in six or seven years and, to be fair, he hasn't seen me without triggers and so forth in about the same amount of time. &nbsp;I do know we want to stay married and we want a better marriage than we've had in recent years. &nbsp;I am praying He will lead me through the things I need to change, grow in or confront at the same time He does that with the SU.<br /><br />God has provided and continues to provide.<br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-84756451417128987062014-02-07T22:05:00.000-06:002014-02-07T22:05:05.119-06:00This is not the happy ending you were looking forI have my answer. &nbsp;I have told the Spousal Unit that I will be leaving.<br /><br />There are not words to describe how much this hurts. &nbsp;I didn't know I could cry this much. &nbsp;I cry everywhere - except at work where I will myself to stop tearing up long enough to make it through eight hours. &nbsp;Sometimes there are a lot of bathroom breaks.<br /><br />Although the SU has always said "deal with it or don't - I don't care" when we have talked about this before, now that I have told him what my response is, the ugliness has been ramped up. &nbsp;I took his keys the other night when he was drunk and wanting to go out and get another bottle. &nbsp;That was probably the closest he has come to hitting me. &nbsp;(He ended up walking to the liquor store after cursing me out).<br /><br />His suggestion after I told him was that we split the apartment down the middle and live like roommates until April since it is "disadvantageous" for us to split right now. &nbsp;I told him no because (a) nobody wants to live with an abusive alcoholic as a roommate and (b) it is too painful to watch him slowly kill himself. &nbsp;I just can't do it anymore. &nbsp;Since then, it's been a lot of "you're a f****** b****" and how I am responsible for this. &nbsp;He has done nothing to push me towards this decision.<br /><br />Even with all the crap going on, I still love him and he is still my husband. &nbsp;My fervent prayer is that something or someone will <i>reach </i>him. &nbsp;I've asked our kids to keep praying and I'm asking anyone who might be reading this blog on any semi-regular basis to please pray for him also. &nbsp;The depth of his self-hate, his anger, and his desire to just...be no more are staggering. &nbsp;He says that if I leave next month, that is it. &nbsp;I get "one chance" to leave him and we will never get back together. &nbsp;I've told him that my God is bigger than him and that I will be his wife as much as he will allow while we are still living together and even after we separate. &nbsp;That I believe and hope he will want to get help and turn towards recovery and we can reconcile.<br /><br />I got a big fat f*** you for that and the same response every time I repeat it. &nbsp;I also get to hear how he wants nothing from the apartment that is us and I am to take it all with me.<br /><br />Tomorrow is my 22nd wedding anniversary *waves to irony*. &nbsp;I am torn apart at the idea that soon I will no longer be with my husband and that he seems not to particularly care. &nbsp;I know that is the disease talking as well as the altered brain chemistry but it just makes the moments (fewer and fewer) where *my* SU shows up all the more bittersweet.<br /><br />I am fortunate to have friends for support and I know the SU would as well if he would just unbend enough, if he could recognize that they are there and have been willing to help him all along. &nbsp;But no. &nbsp;When I asked if he would go to church with me any more, he said no. &nbsp;Said he likes the people but doesn't care to make the effort.<br /><br />Yeah.<br /><br />I wish I could write a post that eloquently expressed my emotions and my longing and wound up with some pithy saying...but I can't. &nbsp;I am equal parts assured of God's provision and so very much afraid of what is coming. &nbsp;I am afraid for the life and well-being of my husband. &nbsp;I know those things aren't my responsibility and he will make his own choices but even the thought of not only losing him but <i>losing </i>him is beyond anything I think I can bear.<br /><br />I have begged and pleaded with God. &nbsp;I don't know why this is his answer and I don't particularly want to walk this path. &nbsp;I miss my husband. &nbsp;I want my husband. &nbsp;I love my husband. &nbsp;And my prayer is still that God will somehow give him back to me.<br /><br />Hope is very hard right now. &nbsp;I've lost my best friend.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-58351258925667026462014-01-31T16:39:00.005-06:002014-01-31T16:39:49.116-06:00CrossroadsSo, the SU lost his job. &nbsp;To quote Forrest Gump: "And that's all I gots to say 'bout that."<br /><br />We went back to Last Hometown for Monkey's 8th birthday as the guests of honor (we were the special invites of the birthday boy). &nbsp;The weekend was custom made by God for the SU. &nbsp; So much love, so much for him to see of all the kingdom work he did. &nbsp;Loved on non-stop by an 8-year-old who says things like "you make my day better". &nbsp;We put out an FB notice saying we'd be at a restaurant Saturday night if anyone wanted to come by and see us and *twenty* people showed up and loved on him. &nbsp;The Sunday sermon was tailor made for him.<br /><br />And...now we're back. &nbsp;He has been drunk every day this week when I've come home from work. &nbsp;I looked in the hot water heater cabinet today and found two empty two-liter bottles of vodka, one empty bottle of Irish whiskey and one bottle with maybe a quarter left. &nbsp;Well, that explains that. &nbsp;When I came home today, the SU could barely focus but managed to pull off his wedding ring and say, "You want this? &nbsp;Yes or no?"<br /><br />To what better be to my credit, I did not call him Señor Drunkypants to his face but just said, "My answer to you is what it always has been. &nbsp;I want to stay married to you. &nbsp;But to do that, you have to follow AA's step 1 and commit to recovery."<br /><br />He's too drunk to be coherent enough to respond.<br /><br />I am at the point now that I am asking God if I can go. &nbsp;I've told him that I've tried to follow his will and I'm still trying so the "yes" or "no" needs to be HUGE. &nbsp;Like, completely unmistakeable. &nbsp;'Cause I'm dense like that. &nbsp;I don't want to. &nbsp;This is the absolute worst pain of my life. &nbsp;I have always MEANT it when I call him the love of my life. &nbsp;I have spent almost a quarter century with him and the thought this might be over is frightening and heart-breaking. &nbsp;But I cannot take the emotional, mental and verbal abuse much more. &nbsp;I cannot live like this indefinitely.<br /><br />Part of me is trying my hardest not to be angry at God that things haven't changed. &nbsp;I said to my friend that I really don't want the whole point of this exercise to have been just to change *me*. &nbsp;That's going to be a very hard pill to swallow. &nbsp;And I'm crying more now than I ever have in my life, I think. &nbsp;I cry on the way to work. &nbsp;I cry on the way home. &nbsp;I cry alone in bed at night. &nbsp;I'm crying while I type this. &nbsp;This just sucks so hard. &nbsp;I wish I could be more eloquent about it but I don't think there are words that can adequately describe the potential end of what has been a HUGE portion of my life. <br /><br />I know God can still pull this out. &nbsp;I know he can and it is my fervent hope and prayer that he will. &nbsp;But it's really hard right now to look down the end of the tunnel and not envision the light there as the oncoming train.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-32612744596078876122014-01-21T16:14:00.002-06:002014-01-21T16:14:21.657-06:00Lessons from the AlcoholicBe forewarned. &nbsp;I feel like this is one of the whiniest entries I've ever written.&nbsp; I'm angry and bitter and just...up to <em>HERE </em>with everything.&nbsp; And yeah, slight profanity but, hey, it's toned down from what I was thinking...<br /><br />I have learned many different things over the past few years of struggling with the Spousal Unit's alcoholism. &nbsp;Some of the are things I wish I never would have learned. &nbsp;Some of them are things I could not have learned without walking through this. &nbsp;Some days I just want to stop learning and some days I'm grateful for what I've learned. <br /><br />In this blog, I've tried to be honest about the ups and downs, the failures and successes and the times I've just wanted to pack it in. &nbsp;My edges feel frayed lately and I've found myself in the car on the way to work yelling at God, "Why me? &nbsp;Why do I get to do this? &nbsp;What makes him so special that he gets to hurt everyone else but, according to him, no one's pain - including mine - comes close to his?"<br /><br />No answer. But no lightning bolt, either, so I'll call it a win. &nbsp;So, in no particular order...things I have learned include the following:<br /><br />1. &nbsp;Alcoholics lie. &nbsp;They lie at the drop of a hat. &nbsp;They lie to your face.&nbsp; Yet he insists that he's truthful and responsible in other areas so what's my problem?<br /><br />2. &nbsp;I do not remember how my husband acts as a sober individual.<br /><br />3. &nbsp;I find the smell of vodka repulsive.&nbsp; I find the fact it oozes from his pores some nights disgusting.<br /><br />4. &nbsp;I now have an entire list of behaviors that I use to verify his drinking and his lying to me about it.&nbsp; I call it my Sixth Sense of Drunk 'cause I see drunk people.<br /><br />5. &nbsp;I know exactly how long it takes him to get home. &nbsp;If he is late, he has either stopped in a parking lot to guzzle vodka first or is stopping at the package store to bring home a gigantic bottle.<br /><br />6. &nbsp;My formerly responsible, God-serving husband will now f*** you over at the drop of a hat and tell you how angry he is at God.&nbsp; Ad infinitum.&nbsp; Ad nauseum.&nbsp; <br /><br />7. &nbsp;I have become a very different person than I might have been. &nbsp;This is both good and bad because I would not have the relationship with God that I have without going through all this but, at the same time, I'd rather have the relationship I have now with God without all the pain that accompanies it.<br /><br />8.&nbsp; If I leave the house for any length of time, it is almost a Pavlovian instinct for him to run to the liquor store, buy vodka and slam it down before I get home - while hiding several bottles for good measure.<br /><br />9.&nbsp; He has no "rock bottom" that I can discern.&nbsp; He drank while taking Ambien.&nbsp; He drinks despite having a gastric bypass.&nbsp; And if being involuntarily committed to the nuthouse and asked about your intent to harm yourself doesn't do it, I don't know what will.<br /><br />10.&nbsp; Driving while drinking is apparently okay.&nbsp; Who knew?<br /><br />11.&nbsp; It has taken me a LONG time to separate out the fact he will not stop drinking from whether or not he loves me.&nbsp; It is not that black and white.<br /><br />12.&nbsp; He is selfish.&nbsp; He is also carrying around pain and anger for decades that he refuses to let go of.&nbsp; He will not talk to the one person who can help him with that.&nbsp; And it saddens me that he chooses to hold on to his anger and bitterness and let it wreak havoc.<br /><br />12a.&nbsp; I get to hear long, long diatribes about everything that goes on in his life but I can't even remember the last time he asked me about my day, my job or anything that involves how I think or feel.<br /><br />13.&nbsp; I hate crying yet I have done it more over the past few years than I have in my entire life, I think.&nbsp; And I ugly cry.<br /><br />14.&nbsp; Thank God he has given me people that don't mind if I ugly cry around them.<br /><br />15.&nbsp; However, I've even started censoring what I say or don't say to those people because I am tired of being "the wife of the alcoholic".<br /><br />16.&nbsp; If I have not personally talked to you about what is going on, please do not come up and offer me condolences or what you may view as support.&nbsp; I will back away from you so fast it will make your head spin because we do not have that type of relationship and I am left wondering how you know versus feeling any type of comfort.<br /><br />I'm tired.&nbsp; I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of God telling me to be here.&nbsp; Because, yeah, getting bitchslapped on nearly a daily basis is really awesome.&nbsp; Last night was...not only did he come home drunk but got upset and started cursing at me when I asked if he'd been drinking.&nbsp; Then he made a point of going and pulling out the booze he had hidden in his car and bringing it into the house.&nbsp; Then I stumbled (literally) over a bottle he'd hidden under his recliner.<br /><br />At that point, I'd just had it.&nbsp; Toast.&nbsp; Burnt toast.&nbsp; I told him that he was released from any request of mine to be honest and just bring the damn bottle(s) in the house because it was now painfully obvious to me that he had absolutely no intention of ever actually doing that so...more fool me.&nbsp; I also said that I would no longer depend on him for any of my emotional needs so he is free from that burden as well.&nbsp; Go ahead.&nbsp; Drink.&nbsp; You will anyway.<br /><br />I really hate my life.&nbsp; I really hate that God says, no, stick around and be Jesus to him.&nbsp; I hate being in pain every single day.&nbsp; I hate having to put on a bright, happy face to the world&nbsp;&nbsp; I hate that the person I love continues to kill himself and make me watch.<br /><br />I'm so tired.&nbsp; The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-45809354023430894392014-01-03T19:36:00.001-06:002014-01-03T19:36:18.215-06:00One of these days is just like a lot of other onesHaving one of those days where I wish God would (a) clue me in and (b) tell me that it's going to be okay.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-59634964328497171802013-12-24T07:44:00.000-06:002013-12-24T07:44:28.193-06:00I find your lack of faith...disturbing(Well, no, not really. &nbsp;But it was too good of a quote to pass up :)).<br /><br />Was talking with the SU last night. &nbsp;Long story somewhat shorter, my mom gave me a new laptop about halfway through my Master's degree. &nbsp;It is a 17-inch Dell with Windows 8. &nbsp;I got a lot of use out of it for the applications I needed (thanks, Mom!) <br /><br />The SU has been looking to start up his music again - an activity I heartily encourage. &nbsp;His old laptop will no longer handle the requirements for the software he uses. &nbsp;After thinking about it, I made him a present a month or so ago of my laptop and told him I believed in him and missed his music. He actually cried.<br /><br />Since then, he has asked me/offered me about ten times if I want him to slick his old laptop and give it to me. &nbsp;I have a laptop from previous and it works fine for me and I keep telling him no, that someday I want a tablet but that's a "someday" gift. &nbsp;Last night he asked me AGAIN about the laptop and I got a little bit upset. &nbsp;I told him giving my laptop to him was a gift with no strings and no requirement to somehow make it equal so he needed to accept it and stop trying to compartmentalize it in a way he could understand and be comfortable with. &nbsp;Then I said that was also the problem he had with Jesus. &nbsp;Jesus wants to give him a gift and Mike doesn't understand how he can be unconditionally loved so he keeps looking at Jesus' gifts through the Economy of The Spousal Unit and it keeps not making sense.<br /><br />SU: &nbsp;"There you go again, sounding like Jesus."<br />Me: &nbsp;"Is that a bad thing?"<br />SU: &nbsp;"No, but it's...unnerving."<br />Me: &nbsp;"Why is it unnerving?"<br />SU: &nbsp;"Because it keeps making me look at things I don't want to look at."<br /><br />So there you have it, folks! &nbsp;I am unnerving :).<br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-72989328820116290922013-12-17T17:48:00.000-06:002013-12-17T17:48:31.573-06:00Hello againHello again...<br /><br />First off, the extraordinarily good :<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IgmD2FWbnsQ/Uq-B_YL1J8I/AAAAAAAAA2Q/2qa0DEXMCi4/s1600/image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IgmD2FWbnsQ/Uq-B_YL1J8I/AAAAAAAAA2Q/2qa0DEXMCi4/s320/image.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />I am done with my Master's degree. &nbsp;Done, done, done! &nbsp;Final GPA is 3.9 and change. &nbsp;(I'm the one on the left in the first row, BTW). &nbsp;This is most of our Capstone group posing before we walked. &nbsp;I now get to come home every night instead of having to go to class from 6pm-9pm two nights a week :).<br /><br />There was some slight sadness in two areas. &nbsp;One was my dad. &nbsp;He died in 2007 the semester before I received my BS. &nbsp;He had always wanted me to go back to school and was so excited that I had. &nbsp;I missed him being there Saturday.<br /><br />The other was my mom. &nbsp;She made it out to the ceremony from SoCal but this will probably be the last trip she makes. &nbsp;She was recently diagnosed with cortical atrophy which is a type of dementia. &nbsp;Basically, her brain is shrinking and parts of it are dying. &nbsp;I had noticed a definite change in her ability to use and retain language before (talking to her on the phone) but it was hard to see the physical changes that have taken over as well. &nbsp;She has issues with balance and was very frail and easily fatigued. &nbsp;She stares off into space because she forgets what she is saying. &nbsp;I took her to Target at one point on Friday per her request. &nbsp;As we were going down an aisle, she looked at me and asked, "Where are we?" &nbsp;It was all I could do not to tear up and instead just remind her we were in Target to pick up the things she had asked for. &nbsp;From what I can tell, she had a good weekend, though, and that is what was most important.<br /><br />As far as the other thing that's been going on...still married.<br /><br />I have spent a lot of time over this question and what it basically boils down to is that God is still telling me to stay. &nbsp;I have had my moments of "Really? &nbsp;I mean, really?" but that is the gist of it. &nbsp;As I prayed and talked with God about it, He (as usual) dropped in some teaching moments. &nbsp;He seems to really like using Brennan Manning's books for that.<br /><br />I'm currently reading "The Importance of Being Foolish: &nbsp;How to Think Like Jesus". &nbsp;I had already had a lesson in Brennan's concept of "nowhere" equaling "now/here" - being present in the moment and not looking back to yesterday or worrying about tomorrow. &nbsp;Taking that concept, I began asking God to help me with what I needed today. &nbsp;Sometimes I had specific things I would ask for - the ability to love my husband, to not sit in class and assume he would be blind drunk when I got home and spend all class time stewing about it. &nbsp;I'd ask for things for my husband for that day. &nbsp;Sometimes I'd just say, 'Hey, I don't know what to ask for with this day. &nbsp;You know what I need. &nbsp;Can you &nbsp;help me out here?"<br /><br />Anyway, after the Appointment from Hell, the first thing God hit me with is "security" - specifically, where am I seeking my security? &nbsp;Answer: &nbsp;my security was becoming dependent on the SU's state of sobriety each day. &nbsp;Can't do that. &nbsp;My security has to come from God and nothing else. &nbsp;He is the constant and replacing him with something else is only going to cause disappointment. &nbsp;Manning talks about authentic faith and how it can't be separated from a readiness to act on God's word. &nbsp;Basically if I have faith - honestly have active, present faith - I can't NOT do what God asks me to do when he asks me to do it. &nbsp;In this case, stay married and love my husband. &nbsp;Sure, I can say no because, after all, we have free will. &nbsp;But then my faith is not active and authentic because I am not acting on God's word in the places and with the people he asks me to. &nbsp;In all those situations, God MUST be my security. &nbsp;Not the SU's sobriety, not whether he (and/or I) had a good day or not or anything else. &nbsp;It has to be God.<br /><br />In his book, <i>The Reason for God</i>, Timothy Keller says "Religion is not just a temporary thing that helped us adapt to our environment. &nbsp;Rather it is a permanent and central aspect of the human condition." &nbsp;Yeah...and one I'm finding needs to be exercised daily...hourly...second by second sometimes.<br /><br />The other thing God showed me was something that really caused me to start looking at the Spousal Unit in a different way. &nbsp;Manning is talking about Jesus' compassion and he first brings up the story of the woman caught in adultery, pointing out that she was not given a list of things to complete, she wasn't asked to say she was sorry, et cetera. &nbsp;Jesus simply told her to go and sin no more (and we don't even know if she did that!).<br /><br />He follows that with a quote from Marc Oraison: &nbsp;"To be loved is to be looked at in such a manner that the reality of recognition is disclosed" and then discusses Peter's betrayal of Jesus. &nbsp;Where I stopped dead was where Manning points out that Jesus watches Peter doing this and quotes the verse that says after the third denial <i>"the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter</i>&nbsp;(Luke 22:61). &nbsp;Manning goes on to say:<br /><br /><i>"In that look, the reality of recognition is disclosed. &nbsp;Peter knows that no one has ever loved him as Jesus does. &nbsp;The man whom he has confessed as the Christ, the Son of the living God, looks into his eyes, sees the transparent terror there, watches him act out the dreadful drama of his security addiction, <b>and loves him</b>." &nbsp;</i>(emphasis mine)<br /><br />I realized reading that how I have not been looking at my husband and recognizing <b>him</b>&nbsp;- the person Jesus sees. &nbsp;I have been seeing an alcoholic who needs to be changed. &nbsp;Who needs Jesus, sure, but more needs to be changed into <b>what works for me</b>. &nbsp;That isn't right. &nbsp;I have been concentrating on the behaviors I don't want and ignoring the person. &nbsp;I have ignored my husband's "transparent terror" as he plays out his own addictions. &nbsp;I have seen him as obstinant and selfish - not afraid. &nbsp;Not damaged. &nbsp;Not struggling with hurts and fears that go back decades. &nbsp;I have wanted my husband back...but in a form that is pleasing to me and haven't really checked with God to say, hey, help me support what you want him to be. &nbsp;Help me to see him and to let him know he is loved and accepted with all his faults and issues.<br /><br /><i>"To be compassionate is to understand the conflicts other people have created in themselves without getting caught up in their poignant drama; you realize your compassion will be most effective if you stay centered in loving acceptance." - Manning</i><br /><i><br /></i>I really kind of missed the acceptance part, I think. &nbsp;To truly love my husband, I have to accept him for who he is NOW and not what I want him to be/think he should be. &nbsp;He may never be what <b>I</b>&nbsp;think he should be or will be entirely comfortable with but that isn't really the point. &nbsp;I need to learn to love him and accept him the same way Jesus did Peter so that the Spousal Unit can have a clearer view, a clearer way to Jesus. &nbsp;Doesn't mean I'm not going to still have really bad days probably but that goes back to where I find my security.<br /><br />C.S. Lewis was right. &nbsp;Prayer changes me.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-46780457147275671382013-11-16T16:33:00.001-06:002013-11-16T16:33:34.675-06:00What Is My Task?I haven't written anything for quite a while. &nbsp;Mostly because there wasn't a whole lot to write about. &nbsp;The ups and downs of my current situation are pretty much status quo. &nbsp;The SU is still drinking and I am still caught up in the whole thing of trying to figure out what to do.<br /><br />I guess the reason I'm writing now is things kind of reached a boiling point this week. &nbsp;There has been some scattered ugliness on both sides (is that like scattered showers?) and it came to a head. &nbsp;For my part, I think I pretty much tramped over the line of honesty/grace into verbally going for the jugular. &nbsp;It wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of it but there it is. &nbsp;There goes that Mother Theresa medal! :P<br /><br />We ended up in counseling with Master Chief on Friday and he suggested a trial separation. &nbsp;His point (and it is a valid one) is that we have been dancing this dance for six months now and nothing has changed. &nbsp;The SU was already very angry over something at work and said that if we did a trial separation, we probably wouldn't get back together. &nbsp;His point is "deal with it or don't". &nbsp;Mine is that I need *something* to hang on to so I know he's at least trying. &nbsp;But then, if you don't even have the "wanna" to want to try, I guess that is right out.<br /><br />Basically, Master Chief says it comes down to me. &nbsp;I can either (a) choose to live the way we are and live without expectation or hope it will change or I can (b) pull the plug and walk away. &nbsp;Separate. &nbsp;Divorce. &nbsp;The SU is not likely to change any time in the near future and that is...pretty much that.<br /><br />Had to leave the office because I was crying so hard and I figure the people at stoplights were wondering exactly what my problem was.<br /><br />I just...don't know what to do. &nbsp;I've asked for prayer from those who know about the situation and that I trust to help seek God's desire and not just my own. &nbsp;I'll be honest. &nbsp;Part of me thinks that finally walking away would be okay. &nbsp;In fact, it would be a relief. &nbsp;Yes, it would be hard being on my own after so many years but I could do it.<br /><br />On the other hand, I know we do still love each other. &nbsp;After we got home and were kind of gingerly moving around each other in that polite/kind way you do when you have no clue what to say, I asked the SU if I could ask him a question to clarify and we didn't have to talk about the session at all. &nbsp;He said yes, I asked, and he answered. &nbsp;On the heels of that, he said "I do love you". &nbsp;Later, we ate dinner and watched TV just like we always do. &nbsp;He reached over and held my hand throughout. <br /><br />That's not to say that it is only those two things that make me believe he does love me. &nbsp;It's a bedrock thing. &nbsp;We've been together headings towards 25 years and I do know that he does love me in the midst of his depression and his addiction.<br /><br />But what do I do? &nbsp;That's the question I've been asking God. &nbsp;I know that the "me desires", the praying as a means to an end, and the...searching for a sign that *this* is the moment, the turnaround have firmly established roots again despite God telling me that the sign is not the point; rather, it is the One who gives the sign. &nbsp;So I am trying to look at myself and see my actions through an objective lens. &nbsp;Have I been acting as God wants me to...<br /><br />And why do I have that song "Do I stay or do I go now?" in my head?<br /><br />My reading for my quiet time this morning was from Brennan Manning's <i>Ruthless Trust</i>. &nbsp;In it is he talking about "nowhere" as in now/here. &nbsp;To be present in the moment instead of dreaming about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. &nbsp;Basically, the task, the moment, is what deserves our undivided attention. &nbsp;Be what you are actually doing at the present moment - be the SU's wife...be Jesus only in that moment. &nbsp;Gah. &nbsp;How do I NOT think about all the hurts I've suffered? &nbsp;How do I NOT pray with an eye towards a tomorrow where the SU and I might be free from this disease? And how does the moment turn into enough?<br /><br />What I'm praying for is clarity and direction. &nbsp;If anyone reads this blog and wants to join in that prayer, it is appreciated. &nbsp;If the call of my Abba is for me to learn to live with and love the SU for who he is in this moment, then I need the ability and the courage to do so. &nbsp;If I am to leave, then I'm basically going to need to be hit over the head with it. &nbsp;At this point, I feel the former is more the call than the latter but it is going to be a hard road to walk. &nbsp;I cannot latch on to one thing as a sign or precursor of what is to come. &nbsp;I will (and have been) disappointed every time.<br /><br />There is a story that Manning relates about the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh and the night he had someone named Jim over for dinner. &nbsp;Nhat Hanh was preparing to wash the dishes before serving tea and dessert:<br /><br /><i>So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea. &nbsp;Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hanh was preparing the tea, but Nhat Hanh said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes." &nbsp;Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes. &nbsp;I've been doing it all my life." &nbsp;"No," the monk said, "you would have been washing dishes in order to have your tea and dessert. &nbsp;That is not the way to wash dishes. &nbsp;You must wash dishes to wash dishes."</i><br /><i><br /></i>The task at hand and nothing more. &nbsp;So what is my task?<br /><i><br /></i>The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-11436347299738209842013-09-21T10:16:00.001-05:002013-09-21T10:16:33.158-05:00Change is goodThere are days I read something during my study time that I just <i>know </i>is going to come back to me later. &nbsp;Last week it was this from Henri Nouwen:<br /><br /><i>"But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. &nbsp;It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. &nbsp;It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical. &nbsp;It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. &nbsp;Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive."</i><br /><i><br /></i>Read it Wednesday and it showed up again on Saturday. &nbsp;Saturday was supposed to be a date night for me and the SU. &nbsp;It was to celebrate my new job and also a makeup for the Anniversary from Hell when he showed up totally drunk at the restaurant. &nbsp;I specifically asked him to not make Saturday a repeat of AfH.<br /><br />Well, it was a nice thought. &nbsp;Long story short, he was pretty drunk by the time we were supposed to get ready to go. &nbsp;I told him that I would try an evening with him but that I <i>would </i>walk home if he hit the behavior button. &nbsp;I also told him that if he was not where he needed/wanted to be, then we could postpone and I would (oy vey!) not be angry. <br /><br />At first, he was really angry and told me HE was going to go out to dinner and a movie even if I wouldn't join him. &nbsp;He calmed down after a bit and admitted he wasn't as "sober as he would like to be" and he didn't want me walking home. &nbsp;He went and laid down on the bed and I sat next to him for a little while before he said he wanted to sleep. &nbsp;I said, okay, and then kissed him and told him I forgave him. &nbsp;Which, dude, so NOT my response several months ago. &nbsp;I didn't really even consciously consider it. &nbsp;It just kinda...happened.<br /><br />Of course, I sat in the living room and cried a little bit because it's another hurt in a series of hurts. &nbsp;Yet I can't let that take over and rule me. &nbsp;I have to keep going back to God for sustenance and the strength to keep loving him and keep trying. &nbsp;When I went to bed, he woke up and apologized again. &nbsp;I told him he'd already been forgiven.<br /><br />The interesting thing that seems to have come out of this is that he is talking to me more about God than he has. &nbsp;I've basically been witnessing to my husband on a regular basis. &nbsp;We just had another conversation at 3 o'clock this morning when I got up and found him listening to a sermon on Jesus on the computer. &nbsp;He told me he wants to be a "better man" for me. &nbsp;When I asked what his definition of a "better man" is, he responded, "Less drinking. &nbsp;More Jesus." &nbsp;I thought that was good and told him that he has the ability to make that happen.<br /><br />When we talk, we can talk for a while until he gets...angry. &nbsp;Not at me, but at God and asks if we can stop for now. &nbsp;When we talked this morning, I pointed out to him how I have changed over the past months and said that God can do the same for him. &nbsp;He has to be able to accept acceptance, though, and let God love him as he is because he will never be what he thinks he should be. &nbsp;And he also has to give over his desire for answers to God (the same way I have had to). &nbsp;It was at that point he asked to stop the conversation so we went back to bed. <br /><br />But he's talking to me...<br /><br /><i>"God loves in us what is not yet...since love is what helps us emerge from our darkness and draws us to the light. &nbsp;And this is such a fine thing to do that God invites us to do the same." - Carlo Carretto</i>The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-36249575952382727782013-08-31T07:56:00.001-05:002013-09-04T15:13:16.895-05:00Whose will is it anyway?<i>1 Peter 4:19: &nbsp;So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."</i><br /><br />The SU is gone for the entire Labor Day weekend. &nbsp;He's visiting his father and learning what his dad wants of him as executor of his will. &nbsp;I'm here at home and, honestly, kind of enjoying the time alone.<br /><br />Had an individual session with our therapist, K, yesterday. &nbsp;Although he and I have made the decision that I don't need to see him regularly since I've made my choices about my marriage and am now working on living them, I can still see him when I feel I need to, and I've been feeling like I need a bit of a tune-up to make sure I'm still reacting and acting as I should.<br /><br />The one thing I really hate is that he can always make me cry. &nbsp;I give K crap about it and I'm sure that's partially a deflecting mechanism on my part since I don't like to cry in front of people (not that I <i>haven't</i>, you understand, I just don't<i> like</i> to). &nbsp;He says I cry because I need to - because I need to grieve and I need the catharsis. &nbsp;He says I need to grieve the things that are gone - the SU the way he was, what our marriage is not and may not ever be, my aloneness versus having a partner, and so on. &nbsp;I've cried over parts of these things but I've never grieved them as deaths and he says that's what I need to do.<br /><br />What started it was when we talked about (again) how, even though I am married, I am functionally alone in a lot of important ways because my spouse is selfish and self-centered in his own dysfunctionalism and alcoholism. &nbsp;He asked if I would stay alone if the SU dies. &nbsp;I told him that, yes, I would for quite a long time if not forever. &nbsp;K had a couple of responses to that:<br /><br />- it would be difficult/a new experience for me to be with someone new who treats me like a priority whereas right now I am not being treated as such.<br /><br />- and the one that started the tears going was K's understanding of the whole dichotomy that exists between the husband I knew and the one I have now. &nbsp;I said (and K agrees) that the SU has been a very important part of my life, a hero in many respects. &nbsp;He taught me a lot about functional versus dysfunctional behavior early in our marriage when my only previous examples had been my parents (oh boy!). &nbsp;He prayed and waited for me for ten years to get my act together and come back to God. &nbsp;He has been instrumental in my job search, cheering me on, looking at job descriptions that I forward him and saying things like, "No, don't apply for this one. &nbsp;It's beneath you and your abilities." &nbsp;He has supported my slog towards my Master's degree (December 14! &nbsp;Yay!). &nbsp;All that is now mixed with someone whose main characteristics now include selfishness and emotional abandonment. &nbsp;BUT there is still that other side of the SU and the loss of that would be devastating - even more so because the person in question is choosing his own destruction.<br /><br />I told K how I hate watching alcohol carve itself into my husband and he likened it to watching the progression of a terminal illness. &nbsp;Cue total and complete waterworks because, yeah, that's it in a nutshell. &nbsp;I see more and more physical issues that tell me the SU's body is not able to deal with what he's handing it. &nbsp;I see more and more life draining away each day and watching that is probably the worst experience of my life.<br /><br />That led to something I don't ever really admit to out loud - that sometimes I think it would be easier if the SU just...did it fast instead of this slow, passive suicide. &nbsp;I do not <i>want </i>him to die by any stretch of the imagination. &nbsp;As I've written about, my absolute hope is for restoration and life for him but, sometimes, the thought that all this would be over is there. &nbsp;K gets it. &nbsp;He likened it to someone with cancer. &nbsp;You know they are in pain and you want them to live, want them to get better, but at the same time, you want them (and yourself) to be free from pain as well. &nbsp;I told him it feels like I am an unwilling witness to an execution. &nbsp;I am made to watch. &nbsp;It is not my choice. &nbsp;And it hurts. &nbsp;So much. &nbsp;Nouwen said that anyone who enters into any degree of discipleship with Christ not only doesn't avoid the world's pain but penetrates into its center and I feel like I'm there.<br /><br />I have now spent parts of last night and this morning being all teary and crying (thanks, K!). &nbsp;This morning out on the patio, I spent some time with God and looked back over the past few days of my journaling. &nbsp;There were two verses I wrote down - 1 John 5:14-15 and Mark 11:24. &nbsp;When I went to look at the commentary, what it stressed was that there are two things that need to be a part of prayer: (a) ask in faith and (b) always add a particular qualifying statement which is "nevertheless, thy will be done". &nbsp;This is because prayer is petition and asking for God's will is to submit both myself and my requests, wants, hopes, dreams, et cetera to God. &nbsp;It doesn't mean I shouldn't bring all that to God but it does mean that I need to pray for them to be answered according to his will and not mine.<br /><br />Brennan Manning, the author of <i>The Ragamuffin Gospel</i>&nbsp;(and also an alcoholic) points out that <i>"compassion becomes a tad easier if you are conscientious in taking your own inventory rather than someone else's."</i><br /><br />As I read back over the verses and commentary last night, I found myself wondering if, in all my prayers for the SU, I had remembered to turn them over to God and ask that his will be done versus what I wanted to see happen and...I'm not sure. &nbsp;Did I submit or did I just give God a laundry list in the nicest, most respectful way? &nbsp;I certainly believe God wants to see the SU restored and full of true life and that those are good things to pray for. &nbsp;But if I just toss them out there and do not submit myself and what I want to God's will, I don't think I will be open to how God may go about that because I haven't given up how I want the story to end. &nbsp;Just because I'm reasonably sure what I'm praying is what he would want also doesn't mean it's going to go according to my plan - and I might miss something he's doing if I stick to my plan and don't give it up to be part of his. &nbsp;And what appears to be my part in it are the thoughts and actions God keeps leading me back to: &nbsp;Be obedient. &nbsp;Be faithful. &nbsp;Love. &nbsp;Love furiously. &nbsp;Be Jesus. &nbsp;Don't miss now.<br /><br />AA's Big Book says, <i>"This was our course. &nbsp;We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. &nbsp;Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. &nbsp;We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, piety and patience that we would a cheerfully grant a sick friend. &nbsp;When a person offended, we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man. &nbsp;How can I be helpful to him? &nbsp;God, save me from being angry. &nbsp;Thy will be done'."</i><br /><i><br /></i><i><br /></i>The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-34136129045435353972013-08-26T11:23:00.000-05:002013-08-26T11:23:19.862-05:00WWTCHD?He was sober when I got home late Saturday afternoon. &nbsp;He did drink Saturday night but it was more...mellow. &nbsp;Not just pounding it down.<br /><br />The "fun" came Sunday morning. &nbsp;I was digging in our office closet where I keep my extra purses. &nbsp;The SU was in the shower. &nbsp;When I finally found the one I wanted, I yanked on it and an empty vodka bottle came tumbling out with it. &nbsp;I swear it was like there was suddenly a caption over my head and it read, "So, what are you going to do?" <br /><br />My thoughts rewound to the woman caught in sin. &nbsp;Specifically, the part where Jesus did not require her to say she was sorry and wouldn't do it again or make her come up with some kind of promise or list of things she would do to atone. &nbsp;He just forgave her.<br /><br />So I threw the bottle in the trash, didn't say a word, and went to church with my husband.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-78643290686243480812013-08-24T10:14:00.001-05:002013-08-24T10:14:21.583-05:00Moving Beyond Fear, Part 2<i>"Jesus was not the least bit confident that He would be spared suffering. &nbsp;He knew that suffering was necessary. &nbsp;What He was confident of was vindication. &nbsp;Our hope, our acceptance of the invitation to the banquet is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. &nbsp;Rather, it is based on the conviction that we will triumph over suffering." - Manning</i><br /><i><br /></i>And here we are again back at the fish-slapping dance :). &nbsp;Like a lot of people, I am enamored of the quick fix, the miracle cure, because then I will not have to endure suffering. &nbsp;Part of the anger at the Spousal Unit is because he is making me suffer with his alcoholism. &nbsp;The whole cloth of "It's not fair!" is there to wrap myself up in and I can grumble to God while feeling safe, snug and warm any time I want.<br /><br />But...was it fair for Jesus to go to the cross and suffer incredible pain and humiliation for the sins of all including those like me who weren't even born yet? &nbsp;No. &nbsp;But he did and he did it in love, obedience and faith. &nbsp;Who am I to think my circumstances are so special that I shouldn't have to suffer or I shouldn't experience pain. &nbsp;If anyone understands pain and grief, it is Abba.<br /><br />It is the ugly part of me that feels "righteous" anger at the SU for taking me on this unpleasant journey along with him. &nbsp;I don't want to be here because it hurts and there is that weird undercurrent to Christianity that says God should be happyfuntimes! &nbsp;He suffered so we didn't have to, right? &nbsp;Um, no. &nbsp;Romans talks about suffering as does 2 Corinthians. &nbsp;We are to find our comfort in Christ. &nbsp;Romans 3:3-5 says we glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance which leads to character which leads to hope. &nbsp;And that hope "does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."<br /><br />But, holy cow, are there days I'm really tired of character growth :).<br /><br />Manning says that, in Jesus, "freedom from fear empowers us to let go of the desire to appear good, so that we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are". &nbsp;God's love is outrageous and he wants us to behave in that same, outrageous way towards others. &nbsp;With the SU, it means I must give up my fear and love him in that manner even in the midst of his alcoholism. &nbsp;I need to make that commitment and act as Jesus did with the woman caught in sin. &nbsp;He didn't ask for her to apologize or give him a list of behaviors that truly showed she had repented and would continue to do so in the future. &nbsp;He just forgave her. &nbsp;That's...one heck of a standard to try and meet.<br /><br /><i>"What is the story of my priesthood? &nbsp;It is the story of an unfaithful person through whom God continues to work!"</i><br /><i><br /></i>I'm not going to be perfect. &nbsp;I'm not going to hit the bar every time. &nbsp;But if I live my life in the belief of the hope, confidence and love found in Jesus rather than because I just "believe", the fear will depart and I will have Jesus as my companion in this. Better trade. Way better trade.<br /><br />In <i>The Ragamuffin Gospel</i>, Manning wrote a chapter called "The Second Call". &nbsp;In it, he talks about how a lot of Christians from between thirty to sixty are experiencing a call from Jesus to go on a journey that is a serious look at the nature/quality of our faith and is a summons to a deeper and more mature commitment:<br /><br /><i>"And the Lord is now calling me a second time, affirming me, enabling me, challenging me all the way into fullness of faith, hope, and love in the power of his Holy Spirit. &nbsp;Ignorant, weak, sinful person that I am, with easy rationalizations for my sinful behavior, I am being told anew in the unmistakable language of love, 'I am with you. &nbsp;I am for you. &nbsp;I am in you. &nbsp;<b>I expect more failure from you than you expect from yourself'.</b>"</i><br /><i><br /></i>I had to stop and think at that last sentence. &nbsp;There is such a freedom in that - especially when you've grown up with a performance orientation outlook. &nbsp;God already knows there are times I am going to fail. &nbsp;He just wants me to get back up on the horse, to come after him and ask him - implore him - to continue to develop perseverance and character in me. &nbsp;He wants me to push past my <u>self-made barriers</u>&nbsp;and come to him knowing I've failed or knowing I've tried to do it on my own and ask him to continue to change me and work through me so my fear can be replaced by the things of God instead of the rags of my own works or my own timidity. <br /><br />I am limited. &nbsp;He is not.<br /><br />Today is a hard day. &nbsp;I've left the house not knowing what I will find when I get back. &nbsp;I may find the SU sober, relatively sober, or completely passed out. &nbsp;He will not offer or promise anything in that area - he says he's broken too many promises already. &nbsp;My choice is to stay home because of fear of what might happen or go ahead and go out like I'd been planning. &nbsp;Both Nouwen and Manning point out in the story of the prodigal son that we are called to be the father in the story, who welcomed his son home. &nbsp;Period. &nbsp;I need to welcome the Spousal Unit exactly as he is, where he is if I am to keep being Jesus to him. <br /><br /><i>"Faithfulness requires the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the willingness to keep growing, and the readiness to risk failure throughout our lives."</i><br /><div><br /></div>Leaving fear for faithfulness is hard. &nbsp;I am tired. &nbsp;My feelings are all about me and how I don't want to live in this place. &nbsp;Yet I know I am called to love and trust in Jesus - not my feelings. &nbsp;It's a constant struggle - more since God has shown me places where I still fear and where I still try to control what is happening. &nbsp;My prayer is that I will continue to keep fighting to give up that control.<br /><br />Am I ready to risk everything - even that the SU may never choose sobriety? &nbsp;I can't honestly answer yes yet. &nbsp;I would like to. &nbsp;I have written in my journal about wanting to be reckless and fling myself off the metaphorical cliff but it is hard to risk when there is no visible reward. &nbsp;But if there was, then I guess it wouldn't be risk. ( Today's "duh!" moment brought to you by The Cyber Hermit :)). &nbsp;So I've been praying for peace today. &nbsp;First it was the peace to walk about the door with no assurance as to what I'll find when I return. &nbsp;Now it is peace to go through my day without fear and to love my husband no matter what and to find joy in my circumstances.<br /><br />Let you know how it goes :)<br /><br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-83389926168070109352013-08-21T09:48:00.000-05:002013-08-21T09:53:41.151-05:00Moving Beyond Fear, part 1You know, it's funny. &nbsp;You pray to God about something and you know intellectually that, yes, he will answer that prayer. &nbsp;Occasionally, however, getting that answer is like getting slapped in the face with a fish (<i>Monty Python</i> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">tm</span>).<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3knduj05HGY/UhTUUitaWYI/AAAAAAAAA1g/Ip7GJz-9eDI/s1600/1265859_o.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3knduj05HGY/UhTUUitaWYI/AAAAAAAAA1g/Ip7GJz-9eDI/s1600/1265859_o.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />My readings and such have kind of revolved around fear - how it interferes and what should be in our lives in place of it. &nbsp;I've been asking God to reveal to me where I still have fear and he definitely slapped me upside the head with it (my God is a tactile God :)).<br /><br />I am afraid of many things but chief among them is failure. &nbsp;That means failure of works done by my hands (no one else to blame), failure of things I have taken on that I should not have (but they are my responsibility now). &nbsp;I have fear that the Spousal Unit will drink a huge amount today. &nbsp;I have fear of his drinking problem, period. &nbsp;That one continues to stick around like kudzu. &nbsp;I have fear he will never stop drinking or that he will be unable to repair his relationships. &nbsp;And, sometimes, my fear is that I will be left alone in all of this.<br /><br />The first question God pointed out is to determine if I am living by Christ or by the law. &nbsp;Am I looking to the one who cast out fear or to the law that gives pre-packaged responses of what I "should" do and how I "should" feel and forget the freedom I have in Jesus in whose love there is no room for fear (1 John 4:18). &nbsp;To do that, though, I have to let go of "what if" and just plain "if" because they do nothing except create scenarios for my fear to reside in when Jesus should be my safe place in the midst of this crazy world. &nbsp;He is the only experience truly worthy of being called "life" (Manning) and since he has already set me free, I should choose to remain free through living by faith (Galatians 5:1 and 3:11).<br /><br />The other thing He pointed out was how I have never really considered the fact that Jesus might be proud of me, that I might make him smile or...happy. &nbsp;What a concept. &nbsp;But if he does delight in us, then why not? &nbsp;If David danced for joy, then why not his descendant? &nbsp;If I can feel joy, then why not the One who created me? &nbsp;Strange concepts to someone who grew up in a very performance-oriented environment to think someone just loves you because they love you...<br /><br />The next day's reading brought up 2 Cor 5:7 which says that I am to walk by faith and not by sight. &nbsp;This has been a constant theme for me with the SU's alcoholism. &nbsp;I pray a lot about remembering the fact that I am on God's timeline and not mine and that God has specifically told me not to try and create a resolution for the Spousal Unit - that if I keep looking for when he is going to act, I will miss it. &nbsp;In thinking on that, I realized some of my responses to the SU about his drinking are very much responses based in fear. &nbsp;Not that some of my responses and requests aren't reasonable but I do things like try to keep him around me because than I can be "assured" he isn't drinking. &nbsp;In retrospect, that's kinda funny because, seriously, he's snuck alcohol into the house and drank. &nbsp;He's drank copious amounts with me in the next room or right in front of me. &nbsp;By trying to control where he is or what he does, I am not trusting God, my Abba, in this instance. &nbsp;I am trying to influence my surroundings for what really only amounts to a momentary victory in the battle with his alcoholism. &nbsp;And, really, what kind of victory except Pyrrhic? &nbsp;It's all just an illusion meant to make <i>me </i>comfortable.<br /><br />All this is really coming down to the same question God keeps putting in front of me: &nbsp;do I love God enough to trust him and quit trying to offer him my attempts to be in control? &nbsp;('Cause I'm sure he's thinking, "Hey, nice thought. &nbsp;But I keep telling you I've got this one. &nbsp;Don't make me get out the fish again.").<br /><br /><i>"Faith means you want God and want to want nothing else." - Manning</i><br /><i><br /></i>That means (to me) that I have to want God and what God wants. &nbsp;God wants the Spousal Unit to be sober but he doesn't necessarily want me sticking my nose in with my plans because my plans are full of "I want". &nbsp;I ask God a lot to give me direction to work within his plan and not try to graft on my own. &nbsp;Sometimes I think I need to remember that God's part for me in this may just be to sit down, shut up, and keep trying to be Jesus to my husband.<br /><br /><i>"Do I hear His word spoken to my heart, 'Shalom, be at peace, I understand'." - Manning</i><br /><i><br /></i>Sadly, no. &nbsp;Not all the time. &nbsp;What I have to move past is my acceptance of his understanding to the point <i>I </i>am comfortable with it, past the point of my feeling that if God <i>truly </i>understood, then the SU wouldn't still be drinking. &nbsp;That, though, is my fallacy, my wrong thought, and my error. &nbsp;In this, I unfortunately at times tend to echo Job when God asked Job where he was when God laid the foundations of the earth or if he's ever ordered the morning into being, et cetera. &nbsp;My plans are as ashes. &nbsp;They are a false sense of security that crumbles as soon as the vodka bottle comes out. &nbsp;The God of the universe knows ever so much more than I do and sees ever so much more than I see.<br /><br />So I'm now asking the God that has revealed these strongholds to tear them down, turn them to dust and to replace them with his wants and remember that I am not in control. &nbsp;Security is in God and not my feeble machinations. &nbsp;He is doing a work. &nbsp;I know it. &nbsp;I see bits and pieces of it. &nbsp;I need to stop being impatient for the whole, bend my knee and submit to him.<br /><br />It's all still very much a work in progress.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-50334436129376052462013-08-16T16:37:00.002-05:002013-08-17T14:11:49.273-05:00Honesty<i>"The way we are with each other is the truest test of our faith."</i><br /><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>"Honesty simply asks if we are open, willing, and able to acknowledge this truth [that we are all rescued like Matthew the tax collector]. &nbsp;Honesty brings an end to pretense through a candid acknowledgement of our fragile humanity. &nbsp;It is always unpleasant, and usually painful, and that is why I am not very good at it. &nbsp;But to stand in the truth before God and one another has a unique reward. &nbsp;It is the reward which a sense of reality always brings. &nbsp;I know something extremely precious. &nbsp;I am in touch with myself as I am."</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;--Brennan Manning</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>The first quote really seems to resonate with me but I can see it combined with the second one. &nbsp;Honesty is essential to community and to an accurate perception of who I am in Christ - saved through grace and given everything by Christ Jesus - even my ability to write these words and know they are true.</div><div><br /></div><div>Being honest means I cannot hide even though I want to. &nbsp;Brennan is right in that I suck at it. &nbsp;I would - and I think others would too - rather hide the unpleasant bits and assure each other falsely that everything is fine. &nbsp;What does that do? &nbsp;Allow me to wallow in my own misery and deny myself the support of my community.</div><div><br /></div><div>We don't want people knowing our "stuff" and sometimes with good cause. &nbsp; We've cautiously shared &nbsp;something and been met with a Pharisaical blast in return. &nbsp;Bonhoeffer wrote, "<i>Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. &nbsp;So we remain alone in our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. &nbsp;The fact is that we are sinners."</i></div><div><br /></div><div>All of us. &nbsp;Not a one of us would have escaped judgment on our own. &nbsp;And that is where the first quote comes back in. &nbsp;Do I treat the Spousal Unit, my co-workers, my friends, et cetera as an outpouring of my faith? &nbsp;Sad to say, no always. &nbsp;Why not? &nbsp;Because I don't want to. &nbsp;Not liking someone or gossiping about someone's troubles is a way for me to feel better about mine - especially if I haven't shared them. &nbsp;In that moment, as Manning says, there is a choice between being Jesus and being Caiaphas and I have chosen the latter. &nbsp;I have chosen religion versus remembering that I am just as broken and live under the gospel of grace <i>by </i>grace. &nbsp;<i>"Authentic faith leads us to treat others with unconditional seriousness and to a loving reverence for the mystery of the human personality."</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>"Honesty before God requires the most fundamental risk of faith we can take: the risk that God is good, that God does love us unconditionally. &nbsp;It is in taking this risk that we rediscover our dignity. &nbsp;To bring that truth to ourselves, just as we are, to God, just as God is, is the most dignified thing we can do in this life." - </i>Gerald May</div><div><br /></div><div>God already knows what I try to hide from him or from others. &nbsp;To be unflinchingly honest before God is to rediscover not just my dignity but who I am in him - someone who, through nothing she did, has been given an incredible gift: someone who understands my brokenness, my problems, my fears down to the molecular level and says, "My child, I love you. &nbsp;Period. &nbsp;I have given you a gospel of hurting people, of ones trapped in sin, of people disillusioned and depressed, all of whom had their lives changed when they were honest with Me."</div>The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-92024360966998296932013-08-05T08:24:00.003-05:002013-08-05T08:24:35.456-05:00FNS: Give me a pilot!Last night's episode was the one where they decide who gets a pilot. &nbsp;Watching the contestants try to articulate their concepts was interesting. &nbsp;Out of the four, only Damaris really offered a cooking show that would <i>instruct </i>someone. &nbsp;Russell and Rodney both wanted a travel show where they went somewhere to see a particular dish and then put their own spin on it. &nbsp;Stacey was somewhere in the middle but her proposal read something like Tyler Florence's old <i>Food 911. &nbsp;</i><br /><i><br /></i>Tuschman and Fogelson also said something that made me raise an eyebrow: that it's much easier to craft a show around a personality than vice versa. &nbsp;That tells me that they may already have shows in mind and are just looking for someone to slot in rather than really letting the winner make the kind of show they have been told to be thinking about all through this "competition".<br /><br />So, Bob, let's go to the tape:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SdgjHPPaMDI/Uf-gbCwbGSI/AAAAAAAAA0E/n0UF-BwDn-Y/s1600/spk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SdgjHPPaMDI/Uf-gbCwbGSI/AAAAAAAAA0E/n0UF-BwDn-Y/s200/spk.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />Stacey - I pretty much knew she was gone when she decided to be "emotional" before she made her pitch. &nbsp;She has not been able to connect with the judging panel all season and they did call it: she came across as sad more than anything else. &nbsp;I don't think she figured out that what she was essentially saying was that she viewed the people she would be "helping" by modernizing their dishes were people in need of rescue from some emotional precipice. &nbsp;No, the food may need help but this is not "Dr. Stacey" and you are not a food therapist. &nbsp;Part of being a person in the public eye is being able to read a room and respond to the atmosphere and emotions there and Stacey consistently failed at that.<br /><br />Also, I couldn't find a picture but I thought the grouping and clothing choices for last night screamed that the Food Network stylist had been given free rein with the contestants. &nbsp;They are all wearing some variation of black and white (with Russell, Damaris and Rodney) standing right next to each other. &nbsp;Stacey has a black and white skirt on but a bright pink top. &nbsp;I swear, why not put a name tag on her that reads "Ensign Redshirt" because that's what she was - the poor, unnamed schlub in the red shirt who beamed down with the others to Planet Pitch Meeting and was turned into a cube. &nbsp;At least she wasn't crumbled into dust :).<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hFG6qTfvn1I/Uf-mr3maehI/AAAAAAAAA1E/qVHGOQbBb-0/s1600/180px-Rojan_kills.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hFG6qTfvn1I/Uf-mr3maehI/AAAAAAAAA1E/qVHGOQbBb-0/s1600/180px-Rojan_kills.jpg" /></a></div><br />On to the next contestant...<br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vrwqTs5yJrM/Uf-iOqoYm9I/AAAAAAAAA0U/VQYomaJrOX4/s1600/rj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vrwqTs5yJrM/Uf-iOqoYm9I/AAAAAAAAA0U/VQYomaJrOX4/s200/rj.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Russell - I still like him and think he has come a long way. &nbsp;He's not quite a student of the William Shatner School of Public Speaking any more and came across as very engaging and enthusiastic last night when making his pilot. &nbsp;For me, the problem is that it's yet another travel show. &nbsp;I know the Food Network has become largely about entertainment more than cooking over the past few years but I get very tired of travel shows - largely because there isn't much actual cooking involved. &nbsp;Shows like <i>Unwrapped </i>have at least been slightly interesting because you learn how they are making the product that you're familiar with and that is informative and entertaining. &nbsp;Shows like <i>Diners, Drive-ins and Douches</i>...um, <i>Drives</i>, I mean are just somebody driving around and sticking huge bites of food in their maw while mumbling catchphrases through full mouths. &nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">However, Russell did make something so that puts him ahead of the pack of travel shows for me. &nbsp;What still niggles at me is it didn't appear to be anything I could make at home. &nbsp;I don't exactly have a cannister of liquid nitrogen in my pantry. &nbsp;I would want to see if he could cook things that did not involve "help" from items that he might have access to but I do not. &nbsp;I would have loved to see an explanation of how to make ice cream without (a) liquid nitrogen or (b) an ice cream maker. &nbsp;Still, he is personable and knowledgeable so I'd at least give his show a try to see if there was something I could learn from it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V5pd4oUx6yw/Uf-jmHK0wkI/AAAAAAAAA0k/3TNXAHU2RlM/s1600/rh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V5pd4oUx6yw/Uf-jmHK0wkI/AAAAAAAAA0k/3TNXAHU2RlM/s200/rh.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Rodney - GAH. &nbsp;When he walked into the restaurant and saw Fieri, my first thought was that the level of douche in the room had risen exponentially. &nbsp;You've heard of the blind leading the blind. &nbsp;This was the douche leading the bag.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">His entire pilot grated on me. &nbsp;First, they want me to believe some tired shtick that he's been "challenged" by the chef or whoever to make their signature dish in a pie. &nbsp;It's been done before. &nbsp;The show was called <i>Throwdown</i>, and while Bobby Flay is not my favorite FN personality, he at least demonstrated he has cooking chops by trying to make many different dishes. &nbsp;I'm supposed to believe that Rodney is a pie expert when he has made, what, ONE, pie that people liked over three months? &nbsp;And now he's going to make everything into a pie? &nbsp;Moo goo gai pan? &nbsp;Tomato soup? &nbsp;Coq au vin? &nbsp;No.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">His entire pilot was incredibly frenetic and LOUD - not to mention laced with liberal uses of "sick", "sucker" and every other slang word that Rodney can't seem to make a sentence without using. &nbsp;And all he did was slavishly copy Greenspan's recipe and offered no cooking notes at all other than Tallegio cheese is apparently stinky and pie dough should feel like a baby's butt when you slap it. &nbsp;Yeah...that's helpful. &nbsp;I could barely watch the 3-5 minutes of his pilot without wanting to curl up into a fetal position with a Merriam-Webster's. &nbsp;I could not watch even one episode of "Pie Style". &nbsp;That being said, this is the Food Network where entertainment trumps actual cooking.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KXLwJzIfRw8/Uf-lFysQzxI/AAAAAAAAA00/sz5WwHc0b-8/s1600/dp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KXLwJzIfRw8/Uf-lFysQzxI/AAAAAAAAA00/sz5WwHc0b-8/s200/dp.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Damaris - I liked her pilot from its conception to its execution. &nbsp;Her sense of humor was on full display last night from her comment to the network execs that she has "caught and released" several men by using Southern food to calling for a medic after Guy kept slapping her hand while hollering "Money!". (And, okay, I liked the pseudo-Lynrd Skynrd theme song they used for her).</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Plus, she actually was TEACHING something. &nbsp;She worked in some tips, she related to her guest (actor), and she made food that wasn't a slavish copy or looked like it required ingredients or assistance that I don't have and cannot readily acquire. &nbsp;It was a far cry from Rodney mumble-yelling at Eric Greenspan. &nbsp;She didn't seem forced or trying on a persona. &nbsp;She was just cooking - which is probably why she won't win (full disclosure: &nbsp;I don't trust FN to not jack the results even though they say "American decides"). &nbsp;Instructional cooking shows - those that are left - have been largely shuffled over to the Cooking Channel and people like Sara Moulton aren't really even on the air any more unless it's a PBS channel somewhere. &nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>So my vote is for Damaris. &nbsp;However, I would be very surprised if she is named the winner - happy, but suprised. &nbsp;I hope she at least gets a show on the Cooking Channel if she doesn't win because I would watch it. &nbsp;I would be pretty happy for Russell and would check his show at as well but I have this horrible feeling that Rodney is going to win. &nbsp;If so, I think I'm going to hang black crepe on my TV during the time slot for his show.<br /><br />Say no to Pie Style :P.<br /><br /><br />The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3723184606706501009.post-37408420602761626572013-08-02T09:30:00.000-05:002013-08-02T09:30:33.169-05:00The Word of the DayFaith.<br /><br />My reading and study this morning had a lot about faith which is something I've been praying about and asking God to work on - mainly being chained to *my* perception of how He is working related to the SU's alcoholism and my unbelief that crops up when the SU exhibits, well, standard drunken behavior instead of moving forward how *I* think he should move forward or what *I* think should be happening.<br /><br />Basically, I've been trying to lose the "I". &nbsp;I want to believe as Galatians: because of what I have heard from God and not because of law which, in this case, would be the works I deem appropriate.<br /><br />So, right after praying about that, the SU tells me he's going to stay home today because he "doesn't want to play anymore today". &nbsp;That's generally code for "I'm going to stay home and drink myself blind."<br /><br />Me to God: &nbsp;"So...I guess we're not wasting any time working on this, huh?"<br /><br />Abba, help me lose the shackles constructed by my point of view on things and have faith that what you have told me is true.The Cyber Hermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08399042124267950939noreply@blogger.com1