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It’s been a long time again. I did end up having a D&C last month after bleeding over 70 days. It went fine.

This morning I had my ass cut open. Let me back up …

Last night, I was in horrible, awful pain. I couldn’t sleep all night. It hurt to sit, stand, or lay down thanks to a hemorrhoid protruding from my butt. This was no normal, run of the mill hemorrhoid, though. This was in a whole other realm of broken butt-ness that I never knew existed.

At 2 a.m., I was in the kitchen attempting to ice my butthole. I laid on my side and my stomach on the sofa hoping for relief that wasn’t coming. I texted my bff who’s a nurse at 3 in the morning. She answered around 5 and told me to see my doctor or go to the ER and that this didn’t sound in the realm of normal.

I waited for my PCP’s office to open at 8:30. By now, I’d figured out that I likely had a thrombosed hemorrhoid. I called and said (no joke): “It feels like I’m giving a slow and painful birth to an ass baby.” My colorful language worked and they booked me immediately.

When I got there, I was taken to a run that looked like where they perform minor surgeries and not a normal exam room, so I knew they were going to cut me.

The doc took one look in there and confirmed what I was thinking. It was a thrombosed hemorrhoid and it needed to be drained. He and a nurse spread my cheeks and numbed the area, which was excruciating. Nobody should ever be coming at you with needles in your asshole. It’s the worst.

Then he cut me. Instant relief … for a few hours, at least. He packed new full of gauze and sent me on my way and told new not to lift anything and to take sitz baths. Oh, and he showed me the clot, which was the size of a cherry. *vomit*

Once I got home, the numbness wore off. My husband attempted to help me change out the gauze and I got blood everywhere. He had to shampoo the carpet, wash sheets and mop the bathroom floor. It was awful. Oh, and my ass started to feel like 20 bees were stinging in my asshole. So bad.

I’m terrified of the poop that will inevitably come. Terrified.

Needless to say, today was traumatizing and my butt hurts. I really don’t know what happened that landed me here, but I hope it never happens again.

Yes, 45 days. No break. All the bleeding. All the fun. I’m single-handedly responsible for keeping the feminine product industry alive. Also, I broke down and tried those free-bleed Thinx underwear because I was losing my mind with the tampons and the pads and the will-this-ever-end?!?! feelings. The answer? Nope, never gonna end. Aunt Flo is here to stay.

I called my doctor around day 20-something. He did an ultrasound with dildo-cam (my favorite, haven’t had one since I was pregnant and I had so many of those when I was at the fertility center) and had me take a blood test.

Guess what, you guys. Both came back normal. My uterus, while misbehaving currently, is apparently normal. No fibroids, no polyps, not even any cysts, which I am known for producing at expert-level since I have PCOS. My blood work also came back normal. According to my doctor, my bleeding is “unexplained.”

Um, what?

So, he sent me on my merry ho-ho-ho way, all “unexplained” and everything with a prescription for progesterone that he told me to go ahead and start taking to make my period stop.

Christmas came and I was like:

Santa didn’t deliver. That rat bastard.

Then New Year’s came and I was like:

2017 didn’t do me a solid and end this madness, either. Thanks for nothing.

I took the progesterone. I took all of it (as prescribed, of course). While it decreased the intensity of Aunt Flo, it didn’t make her go back into hiding. That brings us to today, day 45 of this blood-filled journey.

I left my doctor a message today to let him know the progesterone didn’t work, but only after my husband bugged me to call their office (I must be a real peach being on the rag this long). His office called me back later to tell me I have two options —

Try a prescription that’s basically birth control to see if that kicks my lady parts back into gear.

Get in a D&C (outpatient surgery) to try to “reset my uterus.”

They even said I could schedule the D&C now if I wanted. Um, how many times can a person go under the knife? I mean, really? I HAVE HAD SO MANY SURGERIES. Why haven’t we tested my hormones or my thyroid to make sure it’s not one of those? Why am I the one asking this stuff? Why are doctors so quick to recommend surgery before getting to the root of the problem? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Do I need to go find myself a good endocrinologist now?

Also, I have feelings about going back on the pill. I’ve been off of it since 2012-ish. I don’t really want to go back on it. I would like to have another kid, but I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me given my infertility woes and lovely PCOS. I don’t know if I’m willing to go through everything I went through before again. It was really stressful and I felt really alone when I was going through it. I’d rather it happen naturally if it’s meant to be, which probably means nothing would happen. I guess I’m okay with that, too. I have a healthy, happy, entertaining little boy already, which is more than I could ever ask for.

We had our first appointment back with my normal OB GYN yesterday since we ‘graduated’ from the fertility center. He did an ultrasound, which we were both itching for since we got spoiled by the every two weeks ultrasounds at the fertility center. The baby was moving around like crazy! We got a wave and then a bunch of breakdancing. It was incredible to watch. My husband recorded it on his phone and we sent it to our parents and siblings. It was so incredible to see how much has changed since the last ultrasound. Last time, we just saw the baby’s head and little arm and leg nubbins. This time we saw arms and legs, a mouth, little fingers, the spine, and the heart beating. My husband was amazed how much the baby was moving and that I can’t feel it yet. Last week, the baby was a size of a Lego Man and we bought a little Lego person for comparison. This week, the baby is the size of a poker chip!

I’ve had some unpleasantness the last few days. First, an appointment with my dermatologist where she scraped off 5 moles to send off for biopsy (skin cancer runs in my family). Now I have lovely craters on my calf, back, side, and face! They couldn’t give me any oral antibiotics because of the pregnancy, so I was left with some lovely ointment I have to put on twice a day. The wounds were throbbing like crazy the first couple days!

Then yesterday at my OB, I talked to him about some problems I’ve been having with my lady parts. This may be TMI for some people, but I get vaginal cysts and they are terrible, awful, painful little things that materialize whenever they want causing me pain and annoyance. Not to mention, who wants to be romantical when your lady parts hurt?! Not me.

Anyway, I’ve been getting these flipping cysts for about 8 years and have had at least 5 different doctors tell me various things about them like “they’re not bartholin cysts,” or “it’s kind of like a pimple (eww).” I even had one doctor cut off an entirely wrong area of my lady bits and send it off to the lab (OW OW OW) and it wasn’t even one of the cysts. It was a freckle. Needless to say, I switched doctors after that. Nobody wants a vagina hack job.

So yesterday my doc removed one of them (OUCH), but couldn’t get the bigger one that is way more annoying because of its location. He said I just have to deal with it and hope it goes away on it’s one. It’s been there for 2 weeks already. I think inserting the progesterone pills for the last 10 weeks really made the cysts flair much worse than normal. Thankfully, I don’t have to do that anymore. I asked if there was anything I could do to prevent these things because I have literally tried everything I’ve read on the interwebs. He said no, that it’s just bad luck. Lucky me! At least he admitted that sitz baths do nothing for these pesky buggers. Nothing really helps. My vagina is cursed.