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Trivia Crack is Not a Dating App

Contrary to popular belief, Trivia Crack is not a good place to pick up girls. Especially if you’re strangers. Or maybe it’s even worse when you know each other in person. The point is, girls won’t fall to your feet just because you can get the sports questions right. The following two examples (with tasteful commentary) prove my point:

Specimen #1

Specimen #1 is a random person that I started playing against back when I first made my account and didn’t realize that all of my friends were already playing. He (or it could technically be a she … I have made no attempt to clarify this) has a gender-neutral username and his/her account isn’t attached to a Facebook page, so there’s no picture identification of this person. My account, however, displays my profile picture. Keep that in mind as you ponder the following real-life pickup attempt:

January 01, 2015

Happy new year my dear! (I have never communicated with this person before. The “dear” was unwarranted.)

Happy new year to you too

January 20, 2015

What state are you in?

Michigan, you?

California, from Ireland

Oh wow, that’s cool

Not really but at least it’s warm 🙂

It must be freezing where you are

How do you get your pic on the profile?

I linked the account to my Facebook so I think that’s why my picture shows up

Oh, I don’t have Facebook 😦

Yeah that’s your problem then haha

No worries. Nobody wants to see this face anyway. Lol

Hahaha (I have no idea what this person’s face looks like, I’m not going to compliment it.)

January 23, 2015

Wow, you’re up late (It was 1:43 a.m.)

Yes haha

And doing good too (I was kicking his ass.)

Thanks I try

January 26, 2015

Wow. You do your best work late huh ? (It was 12:42 a.m.)

Yes I guess so!

Not that you need your beauty sleep (He honestly can’t even see my face very clearly in the little thumbnail of my full-body profile picture.)

Haha thanks

God, I hate art questions

I can’t do the sports ones

Wow. Look at you ! Not just a pretty face huh ? (Again, he can barely even see my face.)

Haha I do my best.

* * *

This whole conversation just makes me cringe. The anonymity is what’s weirding me out. Like does he want me to compliment him back? I have no reference of who he is or what he looks like or anything. Am I supposed to say “Aww no I want to see your face” when he self-depricates? I don’t even know his name, or that he is actually a he. Am I truly destined to meet my one true love on Trivia Crack? Is this where my life begins?

Specimen #2

This one is even more convoluted because I know this guy in real life. He went to my high school, dated someone I would loosely define as a friend for THREE YEARS, then came to the same college as me and cheated on that girl for an extended period of time with his current girlfriend. Girlfriend#1 discovered Girlfriend#2 when Girlfriend#2 posted pictures of her and the boy kissing on Facebook. He told Girlfriend#1 that he “would have broken up with one of them eventually,” which I thought was super sweet. I wish a boy would treat me like that *fans self*.

Anyway, I see him around campus once in a while. Seeing as though we literally never interacted in high school, we have mutually ignored each other’s presence on campus for a year and a half, and that was going swimmingly. I was thrilled to continue this cycle until this critical event in my life:

January 14, 2015

This might be weird since we never talked in high school, but I see you around campus a lot and have been meaning to reach out to you for a while and ask how things have been going :p (Yeah, it is weird.)

January 15, 2015

I’m good! How have you been? I see you all the time haha (See how quickly I can enter fake bitch mode?)

I’ve been alright haha. You’re the only familiar face I see around here and I’ve been meaning to say something but never have (Oh? Are you not counting the other 10 people who came here from our high school?)

Yeah I’ve got you haha. I do that to pretty much everyone we went to high school with

January 16, 2015

I haven’t talked to anyone we’ve gone to high school with in a while haha. If you ever want to hang out or just talk or something you can text me. 999 999 9999. :p (Talk? What do we have to talk about? We have spent our entire lives ignoring each other.)

* * *

If this asshole seriously thinks I’m about to take him up on that offer, especially when he has a girlfriend and I know he just cheated on his previous one, he’s terribly wrong. I know what that tongue face means and I am not interested.

What is the lesson learned from all of this? Stick to using the messaging feature for calling your friends mean names and mocking their intelligence.

If you’re looking for romance, stick to Tinder. If you’re a long-lost soul and you want to reconnect with me, message me on Facebook like a normal person. Say hi to me in the cafeteria. Don’t hide behind the premise of an online game. Everyone should know by now that Trivia Crack is a game for us real intellectuals – today’s Einsteins. We don’t have time for pickup attempts, we just want to solve the world’s mysteries. Like what team so-and-so played for before making the winning play in the 1876 Superbowl.