Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"But you, well, you're special to me. When I'm with you I feel something is just right. I believe in you. I like you. I don't want to let you go."

The lowering of the flag at dusk was carried out with the same ceremonial reverence, but in reverse. Down the banner would come and find its place int he box. The national flag does not fly at night. I did not know why the flag had to be taken down at night. The nation continued to exist after dark, and plenty of people worked the whole night through...Or maybe it didn't matter all that much and nobody really cared- aside from me. Not that I really cared, either. It was just something that happened to cross my mind.

They should never have sent me to a school like that. It was a recipe for heartache. I had to listen to them grumble to me every time the school asked for a contribution, and I was always scared to death I'd run out of money if I went out with my classmates and they wanted to eat someplace expensive. It's a miserable way to live.

Probably because I like her so much. I think my emotions get in the way and I can't see her clearly. I mean, I really like her. But aside from that, she has a bunch of different problems that are all tangled up, so it's hard to unravel any one of them. It may take a very long time to undo them all, or something could trigger them to come unraveled all at once. It's kind of like that. Which is why I can't be sure about her.

The most important thing is not to let yourself get impatient... don't get impatient. Even if things are so tangled up you can't do anything, don't get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it's ready to come undone. You have to figure it's going to be a long process and that you'll work on things slowly, one at a time.

I was going to be a concert pianist. I had talent, and people recognized it and made a fuss over me while I was growing up. I won competitions and had top grades in the conservatory, and I was set to study in Germany after graduation. Not a cloud in the horizon. Everything worked out perfectly, and when it didn't there was always somebody to fix it. But then one day something happened, and it all blew apart... But the pain I felt was excruciating. It was as if my life had ended. Here I was in my early twenties and the best part of my life had ended. Do you see ow terrible that would be? I had had my hands on such potential, and I woke up one day and all of it was gone. No one would applaud me, no one would make a big fuss over me, no one would tell me how wonderful I was. I spent day after day in the house teaching neighborhood children Beyer exercises and sonatinas. I felt so miserable, I cried all the time. To think what I missed! I would hear about people who were far less talented that I was taking second place in a competition or holding a recital in such-and-such a hall, and the tears would pour out of me.

I wrote a huge number of letters that spring: one a week to Naoko, several to Reiko, and several more to Midori. I wrote letters in the classroom, I wrote letters at my desk at home with Seagull in my lap, I wrote letters at empty tables during my breaks at the Italian restaurant. It was as if I were writing letters to hold together the pieces of my crumbling life.

Monday, June 13, 2011

You know what I love the most.. the feeling I love the most?

The smell of Autumn and apple cinnamon, any sort of cinnamon wafting in the air as if coming from an oven filled with pastries that you can sort of make out through the coffee-colored glass screen of the oven door when you switch on the inside lights. This feeling just suddenly struck me because the girl sitting to my right ordered something cinnamon and the aroma lingered for a few seconds even after she walked out cafe.

Anyhow. Yesterday at the library, after exhausting my energy on watching City Hunter and reading the FDR/Eleanor biography I perused the foreign books shelf and happened to pull out Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami.

I.
What? Why have I never heard of him until now? Why never in Mrs. Volansky's class...?
Every single word and sentence and paragraph he's constructed strikes right through me somehow for some reason I can't explain. He's just amazing. Easily my favorite writer. Sorry, Oscar Wilde.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Hopefully this will give me something to do for a month while I'm here.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts

On the right.

1. I am a student.

2. I love art and design

3. I dreamed of Parsons, and I'm severly depressed and disappointed in myself for having let it slip through my fingers so easily.

4. But I know I have to move on.

5. I feel at home in New York City.

6. I love Seoul.

7. I love to party.

8. I feel somewhat shallow reading what I've written so far.

9. I am a Christian.

10. It's been a rough year and I'm struggling to get back on track with God, but it's getting somewhere. I think.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
May 21, 2011

Grace Shim. Best friend, sister, always been there for me. Love.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite showMay 22, 2011

Day 04 - A picture of your nightMay 23, 2011

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
tbd...

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a dayMay 26, 2011Olivia Palermo

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured itemAside from my tory burch flats,

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with

Day 11 - A picture of something you hateBeing left out.

Day 12 - A picture of something you loveStrawberry Macarons

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life withoutNo, not Morgan Freeman; God.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you dieLive in a Manhattan brownstone with that one person.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recentlyJisun unnie!

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurityAcne/ clear skin

Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travelBali

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forgetHigh school.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

How come I ruined things between us? You are everything I would be happy with. You know, after that night, I told myself I was going to change and be a somewhat bad person so that maybe you'd notice. I thought, I'll bleach my hair blonde, emphasize how pale I am, line my eyes black, wear black clothes, black nails, party, drink, smoke, forget about you.

But. I'm going to find you again. And I'll wait and change and go to our city and you'll be there and I'll be there and we'll meet again and things will be okay again things will be good again I'll share the things that are okay and the things that are good with you.

I can't sleep. I miss you, but you're not good for me.
I miss.. a lot of things. Our talks. Being next to you. Confiding in you. Falling asleep beside you.
I was angry with you, but. I heard your voice, and it vanished into nowhere, and I just smiled and I was smitten again and I didn't want to let you go.

Monday, June 6, 2011

AHH. Okay. So let's make myself some goals, so I can have something to act proactively towards instead of letting summer slip through my fingers.

And, on a random (well, kind of related, I guess) note, I don't know... maybe I want to go to Law School? Grrr. I hate saying stuff like this because I always do. No one can ever take me seriously, and I don't blame them, so I should just be the one adjusting my attitude, I know. I know. Sigh. But I can't help it. It just happens. I dream too big, I expect too much, I give up too easily. I want to go to Parsons. I'll go to Med School. Law School. Art school. Art director, editor, magazines, New York City, Manhattan, glamorous...it's all... so..

Sad.
I wish someone would shake some sense into me, I wish I could just shake some sense into myself.

..
Anyways. <End melodrama>
GOALS!
Sophie, stick with these goals, please. There's not a problem with tweaking a few things here and there, because obviously your thoughts are bound to alter if you're learning anything in life, but just.. ugh. Like, stick with one thing, and see it to its end. I mean, it's a bad habit that you need to drop stat. Look at all those sports you quit. Instruments. You...fucking.. ART. And then COLLEGE. Boyfriends?! Like, what the hell is wrong with you? See something to its end if you want to see any fucking fruit at all.
Sigh.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Parts of today's devotion that struck me the most.

"...Because we're all human beings, we'll never be free from the weight of guilt. It's there to remind us when we fall short of God's standards... He doesn't delight in watching us squirm. He makes it very clear that he wants to remove the burden from our shoulders and give rest to the weary.

...our response to guilt can either drive us further from God or bring us closer to him...He asks only that we admit our need and that we trust in him with the load."

Scripture

Let us come boldy to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. —Hebrews 4:16

This is what the Lord says:

"A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more." —Jeremiah 31:25

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28

In retrospect, my reaction to the guilt I felt from submitting to the temptations of a wild college life—drinking, partying, procrastinating (well, that's not excluded to college), boys, skipping classes, basically skipping whole marking periods, laziness, irresponsibility with academic life in general (I mean, I'm a student for goodness sake, so studying is my main damn priority...), and the list goes on— was to tell myself I don't deserve to attend Sunday services, sitting side by side with my fellow classmates who felt, to me, like role model Christian students. They worked hard, they sacrificed time for self-indulgence to commit to weekly Life Group, to study; they chose to surround themselves not with the people who had every tab on the wild parties for the weekend, but with those who would keep them accountable; I felt guilty because I knew maintaining an image our younger brothers and sisters can look up to didn't come all too easily, so why should I have deserved the same mercy and grace that they received? I mean, who was I to be able to call myself a Christian? I couldn't go to church on Sunday knowing I'd party uncontrollably the next Friday and Saturday. Sigh. Like a frog in an increasingly warm pot of water, my walk with God slowly wore away. But, more importantly, falling deep proved I need to seek him with more desire and passion than I would have imagined giving, imagined capable.

And now I let go of the things I want to do and I want to become and place my complete faith in God, for "it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:13).

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Oh sigh. Haha. I hate that I waste so much valuable time staring at my laptop for hours on end, and thus I've slowly begun to remove myself from the most malignant cancers; facebook was the first to go, then my second facebook for those four closest people, followed by tumblr, and finally twitter. It saddens and vexes me that I, for the most part, won't have any other ways to contact those five hundred something people I had daily kept tabs on. I wish I could just use facebook for messaging purposes, and messaging only. No wall posting, no incessant, trivial updates that have inevitably allured me away from life outside a thirteen inch screen. Obviously, I don't talk to all five hundred people, every single day, but.

Contact.Networking.

Fucking damnit.

In the end,
issues of greater value deem it unavoidable.

goodness my vocab is sucking ass. evident from this very sentence, as a matter of fact. fuck

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About Me

Portrait of a Young Restless Imaginative College Student :p
I love all things beautiful and innovative, namely, clothing, design, line structures, illustration, paintings. I guess.. this is my account of the extreme growing pains that I'm going through at the moment, trying to focus my life towards the three anchors in my life- God, my family and friends, and finally, my unending curiosity and infatuation with art and design.
"...An unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit." —Nagasawa from Norwegian Wood (Murakami)