There are few things worse for a movie fan than sitting down to enjoy a flick only to have it be torpedoed by some obnoxious jackass of a character. Sometimes, tragically, they ruin movies that could have been great. Sometimes, they are just the worst part about an already flawed film. A few of them only taint the scenes in which they appear, while others are so prominent that they manage to ruin the whole damn thing. We here at Guyism have decided to take a look at the worst of the worst, and after much careful consideration, a lot of tears, occasional vomiting and even some mild bloodshed, we bring to you these nine characters who have ruined movies.

9 Mutt Williams – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
PLAYED BY: SHIA LABEOUF
It would seem that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg’s grand plan to offset the old man stink of the venerable Harrison Ford in the latest Indiana Jones flick was to introduce a younger version of our hero in the form of a laughably stereotypical greaser named Mutt Williams complete with motorcycle and switchblade. To make matters worse, they actually scripted Mutt to be a pain in the ass “rebel” who verbally crapped on Indy. Look, there are some things you just don’t do and sass Dr. Jones is one of them. It was clear that they were attempting a sort of passing of the torch between Indy and Mutt, but all it did was highlight that there is only one Indiana Jones and he’s an old man with an obnoxious bastard son. Just depressing.

8 Carrie Bradshaw – Sex and the City
PLAYED BY: SARAH JESSICA PARKER
After several seasons as a hit show on HBO, Sex and the City was taken to the big screen where for the first time the world was exposed to a giant sized version of the most annoying woman in the world, Carrie Bradshaw, who managed to reinforce all of the worst stereotypes about modern women (I need a man, OMG shoes!) They should have included having to listen to her yammer on like some sort hyper-neurotic desperate She-Bot -– call it the Insecurobot 9000 -– as a war crime and everyone involved should have been tried in international court. No man –- or woman -– should have to sit through that. It is telling that the big romantic gesture in the film is the building of a walk in closet for the heroine by Mr. Big, who probably would have been better off spending the money on doing heroin in a closet. At least the needle wouldn’t make him listen to shallow gibberish about Manolo Blahniks for hours.

7 The Ewoks – Return of the Jedi
PLAYED BY: AN ASSORTMENT OF MIDGETS IN FURRY SUITS
George Lucas has a long, sordid history of creating weird characters — puppet gurus, robots who behave like a gay, married version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, giant Bigfoot looking freaks, etc. –- but one of his weirdest decisions was to create the Ewoks, a band of lovable little furry midgets whose sole role seemed to be to sell lunchboxes and coloring books to impressionable kids. That’s all fine, but what rankled a lot of fans of the Star Wars series was Lucas’ decision to give the Ewoks such a pivotal role in the climactic battle of the whole series. There was just something too absurd about the sight of freaky little teddy bears beating the hell out of the fearsome Empire’s notorious storm troopers using only rocks and a few strategically placed logs. Besides, those little dudes were creepy as hell. Sure, it might seem fun as a kid to imagine your stuffed animals coming to life, but if that happened in real life, you would have cried for your mommy and then sat in the corner sucking your thumb while she either set them all on fire or called in a priest to perform an exorcism.

6 Edward Cullen/Bella Swan – Twilight
PLAYED BY: ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART
Once upon a time, vampires were actually pretty cool. I know that’s hard to believe given the influx of glittery emo drama queens more likely to sob into their diaries than to make with the people-eating, but it’s true. Sadly, we have the character of Edward Cullen to thank for this change. But it’s not just him. Oh no. Thanks to his clingy, obsessed, charisma challenged human lover, Bella, a whole generation of girls has grown up believing that there is something romantic and healthy about a pair of codependent depressed bores. Perhaps I’m being unfair. After all, they have a love built on… uh… well, you tell me. After all, what’s not to love about pale, mopey misery addicts who look like they’re perpetually stoned? By the way, that description could be applied to both Edward and Bella. Oh well, at least they aren’t George Lucas characters. Otherwise they’d probably both be made out of fur and CGI and talk with some sort of vague Jamaican accent. So I guess they’ve got that going for them.

5 Mr. Freeze – Batman and Robin
PLAYED BY: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I probably could have included anything from this movie in this spot, including the nipples on the Batsuit, but the most cringe inducing aspect of the movie had to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s turn as Mr. Freeze, which was so laughably campy that it helped to torpedo the whole franchise, which had to be shelved before it was resurrected and rebooted by Christopher Nolan almost a decade later. It wasn’t just the ridiculous puns (Everybody chill!) or Arnold mushmouthing his way through a role as a scientist turned lunatic or the fact that he looked like Mr. Clean if Mr. Clean had been assimilated by the Borg. It was all of those things which combined to create one memorably awful character. There is camp and then there is crap. Arnold and the non-visionaries behind Batman and Robin tried to straddle that line but ended up falling into the sewer where they washed away in a river of turds. As a result, the whole franchise ended up being put on ice. (Groan.)

4 The Genie – Aladdin
PLAYED BY: THE VOICE OF ROBIN WILLIAMS
Robin Williams’ seemingly coked up Genie didn’t exactly ruin Aladdin. In fact, it was a huge hit. But the reason why this character is on this list is because it inspired an epic run of obnoxious characters and children’s films which have transformed the world of animated movies from a land of imagination to a land of noisy fart jokes and screaming banshee characters whose very voices are enough to cause massive bleeding from the ears and severe brain degradation. We’ve all heard the cliché – fun for the kids and the adults. If that kind of crap is your idea of fun as an adult, then children should never even be in the equation for you. Now, I’m not advocating forced sterilization, but then again, I’m not not advocating it either. Whose idea was it to hold up Robin frickin’ Williams as a behavioral model for today’s kids? I mean, this is why kids all end up as screaming ADD riddled monsters with the attention span of a fruit fly. Screw you, Robin Williams and your idiot genie. Also, get off my lawn!

3 Anakin Skywalker – Star Wars Episodes I-III
PLAYED BY: JAKE LLOYD AND HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
We meet again, George Lucas. Sadly for George, the Ewoks weren’t the worst thing he inflicted on society. Instead, he decided to take Darth Vader, the ultimate badass of the universe, and turn him into a mewling, whiny little pansy. Good idea! At first, it was hoped that the whiny brat named Anakin was so unbearable simply because child actor Jake Lloyd wasn’t any damn good. But then Hayden Christensen arrived on the scene and suddenly Anakin went from brat to obnoxious little jackass incapable of showing any human emotion other than petulance. Sure, maybe that helps to explain why he eventually morphed into Darth Vader, but it’s tough to feel for a character who spends all of his time throwing hissy-fits and treating all his friends like crap, and really, wasn’t that kind of the point? We’re supposed to think of Anakin’s transition to Vader as a tragic moment, but when he finally puts on the suit and mask, all you can really think is “Finally, that little bastard is gone.”

2 Jesus – The Passion of the Christ
PLAYED BY: JIM CAVIEZEL
I don’t know about you, but I found it kind of hard to root for an action hero like Jesus when all he did was sit there and get beat on for a couple of hours. I mean, where was the big comeback? James Bond gets tortured and then he comes back and kills the bad guy, drinks a martini, bones the dude’s girl and makes a few quips. Where was the scene where Jesus showed up at Pontius Pilate’s door in a tailored suit with a Walther PPK in his hand and a lady on his arm? Instead he just hung on that cross and bled. I thought Mel Gibson understood how to make an action movie. After all, Martin Riggs wouldn’t have just taken that abuse. Murtaugh would have cut him down and then they would have run wild on the bad guys while an Eric Clapton song played in the background. I guess I just assumed that Mel would have Judas or Peter do the same for Jesus. I guess I was wrong.

1 Jar-Jar Binks – Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
PLAYED BY: A COMBINATION OF THE VOICE OF AHMED BEST, CGI AND A GENERATION’S DELICIOUS TEARS
I swear I’m not trying to pick on George Lucas, but come on, really, George? It is like the man is involved in some sort of bizarre bet to see how much ridiculous and awful crap he can get away with before the fanboys revolt. Well, this is the one that did it. It’s safe to say that The Phantom Menace was the most eagerly anticipated movie in history. When it was over, the only thing anyone could talk about was the ridiculous Jar-Jar Binks, a gangly moron with a vaguely Jamaican accent who stumbled through the film like some sort of drunken manifestation of every flaw George Lucas has as a filmmaker. It’s one thing to have a comic sidekick aimed at children. It’s another thing to create a character who even the dimmest child would want to see fed to the Sarlac. Nobody liked Jar-Jar Binks. He is the perfect storm of crappy character, combining the worst traits of the Ewoks with the obnoxious buffoonery of the Robin Williams inspired modern cartoon character. There might be worse characters created in the future, but it’s hard to imagine. And that’s why Jar-Jar Binks is the obvious and only choice for number one on this dubious list.

About Neil Bulson...
Neil Bulson writes words for money. Some of them are even funny. Hey, that rhymed! As you can see, it is probably best not to encourage him.

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02.28.11 at 8:28 am

TWC

The story of Jesus would have been an okay movie if it didn't have Jesus in it?

Neil Bulson, you are a fucking retard.

Go delete the Carrie Bradshaw scenes from Sex and the City and enjoy yourself a quality movie.

02.28.11 at 11:27 am

Rectum

Batman and Robin is an absolute turd, at least Mr. Freeze was unintentionally funny. And in what universe do the Star Wars and Twilight prequels count as ok movies.

Also, Jesus jokes? you are so edgy and hilarious.

02.28.11 at 11:28 am

Rectum

Fuck, that should say Star Wars prequels.

02.28.11 at 12:10 pm

Jim

You lost me when you characterized the unctuous 'Sex and the City' as an 'okay movie'. Matthew Broderick's wife is just one of the many things wrong with that steaming turd…

02.28.11 at 12:14 pm

Thdocta

Neil Buson you are a f moron. How dare you put Star Wars characters in the same category as Twilight and Sex and the city characters. Do us a favor, fill up a bathtub with water, stick ur head in and breath real deep

03.01.11 at 12:15 am

Mike

Fanboy

03.02.11 at 8:59 am

Mathme

The prequels are terrible regardless of the characters involved. They actually were so bad that they made me re-evaluate how and why I was liking the originals and realized that I'd filled in a lot of gaps with pretty cool stuff (e.g. my conception of the "Clone Wars" was way, way cooler than what we really saw as was the way I envisioned Vader's fall… and once I learned a little German and that "Vader" was only a slight corruption of the German word for "Father"… well… that's just hackey right there). So, yeah, The prequels ruined star wars for me.

02.28.11 at 4:19 pm

ronika

Carrie Bradshaw started out being tolerable . By the end I just wanted to throw something at the TV every time I saw her. And don't get me started on her hats.

02.28.11 at 7:42 pm

rek

i don't know man.. the genie kind of made the movie Aladdin when i saw it as a kid.

03.01.11 at 10:17 am

Mattsacre Ascher

It's official. Just by labeling Jesus in here you have proven to be retarded. I'm not even offended as much as that shit just doesn't make any sense.

03.02.11 at 12:47 am

AYahooUser

He labeled Jesus? That doesn't make any sense either.

03.01.11 at 12:17 pm

joxmar

I agree with everything except the genie, man I think the genie stole the movie and many people agree, actually you are the first one who thinks otherwise… what's wrong with you?

03.01.11 at 3:13 pm

ostrichman1985

Removing Jesus from a movie about Jesus leaves you with dirty merchants trading beans and rice for 2 hours. Thats totally watchable. And as shitty as Twilight is, removing the only 2 characters that move the plot forward (albeit a shitty plot) literally leaves you with no movie. I hope you get fired and get a job geared more towards you. Perhaps you could teach monkeys to wear silly hats and tap dance to old show tunes.

03.02.11 at 2:07 pm

Nopantsmcgee

"And as shitty as Twilight is, removing the only 2 characters that move the plot forward (albeit a shitty plot) literally leaves you with no movie."

And having 'no movie' is bad because……?

03.01.11 at 5:27 pm

Thed

You left out Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in Abyss – I remember seeing that in the theaters, and the audience was laughing out loud at her. She ruined what would otherwise have been an okay scifi flick

03.02.11 at 9:03 am

Mathme

Yeah, she's pretty bad, but I think part of that has to do with the heavy editing that went on. She responds to things with such an air of profundity ("They must have done something to us." <pregnant pause> "Yeah… you could say that." <smiles knowingly>) when there isn't a thing in the movie that suggests that what is going on is anything but weird. The Special Edition of the film puts in the Cold War political stuff, how what has happened to the sunken sub is about to start a hot war, that there are warships gathering above them, etc, etc. The whatevers underwater basically bring peace to the world (albeit in a somewhat hypocritical way)… I think that makes her acting seem a bit less bad. I donno. Crap. I should stop drinking tons of coffee and posting online.

03.01.11 at 10:27 pm

ActaNonVerba00

Another kyke who'll claim anti-Semitism at the drop of a hat but thinks crapping on Jesus is great fun. I'm not even very religous but I hate double standards and people that are just pricks for no reason.

03.01.11 at 10:30 pm

Isaac

Signed,

pricks who use the word "kyke"

03.02.11 at 2:09 pm

Nopantsmcgee

He didn't crap on Jeebus, he said the character portrayed in the movie sucks donkey. And he's right. It was a 2 hour snuff film.

05.23.11 at 12:23 am

Luke

All of yall are STUPID. You want to change the story of Jesus? its historical fact and you would rather see him in a suit killing people like Jason Statham in transporter? its not supposed to be an action movie! its a movie about christ dying for our sins! Im christian and putting aside the religeous aspect of it i still would think yall are stupid for trying to change history and make Jesus out to be some Punisher like superhero

05.24.11 at 12:40 pm

Nopantsmcgee

You're Christian and you call people here STUPID.

I doubt you know the first thing about Christianity.

03.02.11 at 8:55 am

Mathme

With the exception of Jedi and maybe Aladdin (maybe), none of these movies would have otherwise been Okay. I actually don't mind the Ewoks that much– some of them die, they're going to actually eat the main characters… that's only marginally cute. Not saying they made the movie better or worse, I think they could have been written out, but whatever. And IIRC, the reason Aladdin was remarkable at all was Robin Williams's improvisation. Sure, his schtick has gotten old and is going to be off-putting to a lot of people (raises hand), but it was a big selling point. The lack of Williams in the sequels is often cited as a reason for their flopping. But to each his own, I guess. Each of these movies will probably have its own defender, but I have a hard time seeing any of these other movies as "okay" even without the characters you point out.

03.02.11 at 9:10 am

Adrian

I was thoroughly enjoying the article until your comment about Jesus, which I found highly offensive and completely ridiculous in the context of your article.

I realise that nothing I say here is going to cause you any regret, nor cause you to turn to the Lord for forgiveness – in fact I'm sure you're getting a real rush out of all the comments from people who have taken offence – but I do urge you to personally consider the severity of your blasphemy in the context of eternity.

Sieriously!?!? ive never forced my religeous views on anyone and i dont plan too. personally i think that is what gives christians a bad name, and that is surely not the way to go spreading the good news. but i literally cant go the any websites these days without seeing some from of discrimination against christians! I just wish people showed a little respect for personal belief. i dont go around calling every middle eastern person a terrorist who wants to spread their Jihad! across america! and i certainly dont think every asian person is a ninja! But i guess it says a lot about your intellegence or Lack their of in this case.

03.02.11 at 3:14 pm

Nopantsmcgee

You forgot to add "In my opinion".

03.02.11 at 3:48 pm

Jeff

This was not funny. It is a mess of attempting to be satirical and shockingly funny. Pick a direction and go with it. Do you want this to be a list of characters that actually detract from movies, because you do fairly well with your weak comedy writing in that direction. Then we have to assume you needed some oomph because for some inexplicable reason Jesus is on the list. Let's get out of the way right now that I'm not in the least bit religious, so no offense was taken there. I was just offended enough to comment on how unfunny you've managed to be. So let's recap: "9 characters who made okay movies painful to watch." So The Passion of the Christ was an okay movie in your opinion? But where's the fucking movie without Jesus? No, you're not being cleverly irreverent. Why don't I list 9 websites that are made worse by their writers, then I'll list you as one, and then I'll be totally clever and list the ENTIRE FUCKING WEBSITE!!" ZOMG that would be so funny! *Wanks dismissively.

P.S. Your inclusion of Twilight was bullshit for the same reasons.

03.02.11 at 5:06 pm

Jesus

pretty much everybody above (and below this probably) = people who take themselves & an article on crap movies WAY too seriously…lighten up guys even I was mildly entertained by #2

03.02.11 at 5:08 pm

A. Isaac

Hey, stop playing on the internet and answer my prayers dammit!

03.02.11 at 5:13 pm

Jesus

Don't worry my son, I'm great at multi-tasking

03.30.11 at 5:47 pm

God

Son, why are you wasting your time with these mortals? Worst 6 days work I ever did.

03.03.11 at 2:41 am

Mike

You may not have liked the character of Jesus in "The Passion of the Christ" because He didn't make a comeback. Perhaps you need to know the rest of the story. After the events in the movie, Jesus makes the all-time greatest comeback, even greater than Rocky Balboa over Clubber Lang, when He spits on death, rises out of the grave and ascends into heaven. Since there hasn't been a sequel, you should read the Book.

04.01.11 at 10:00 pm

Quatchi

Eat my dick.

05.23.11 at 12:35 am

luke

haha your reply says a lot about your lack of intellegence.

03.07.11 at 10:32 am

Guest

Number 5, how can you have a title characters making ok movies painful to watch when you said you could pick any part of this movie, well done give your self a star for ways to look silly.

03.08.11 at 7:42 pm

Derek

You're pissing people off. That means you did your job. Everyone on the list deserves to be on a list of terrible characters — except the Ewoks.

Yes, that includes the J-man. I mean, shit, I love how people are getting offended by a man that history cannot definitively prove even existed. Good thing you didn't go after Hercules, eh? I can think of movie characters that possibly deserve greater attention than these 9 (like the fucking kid in Jurassic Park III), but nice work nonetheless.

I love the people attacking you for including Twilight. That's brilliant. The computer is the only light that they see as they peer into the internet while taking a break from listening to Evanesence in the dark. Go take a picture of yourself cutting your wrists, just don't forget to put the bottle of ketchup out of frame.

03.13.11 at 1:13 am

Johnny C

HAHAHA Everything from the article to the comments have me laughing so hard I pissed a few drops out. Holy FUCK! The Mr. Freeze "the fact that he looked like Mr. Clean if Mr. Clean had been assimilated by the Borg" is fucking BRILLIANT. Jesus "I found it kind of hard to root for an action hero like Jesus when all he did was sit there and get beat on for a couple of hours" ACTION HERO?!?! HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA Dude, you have a new fan, thanx for the laughs. I can't wait to read more from you. I may come across as sarcastic, but I'm dead serious. You're awesome man

03.13.11 at 11:20 am

ChristianH

You can't legitimize Sex and the City, Episode 1, Crystal Skull, Batman and Robin, and Twilight in the same article and say they sucked because of one character. I mean, there's nothing AT ALL good about Batman and Robin. And frankly, Shia LeBouef was the only decent part of Crystal Skull.

03.25.11 at 4:19 am

Ch1mp

"Neil Bulson is a freelance writer who lives along the shores of Lake Michigan in a majestic castle where he spends his days beating his serfs and his nights writing and drinking firewater. His life goals include seducing Angela Lansbury, hunting and killing Bigfoot and being named King of Canada. So far, he has accomplished one of the three."

I know you have not been named King of Canada because I watch the news, so please, please, please tell me that you killed Bigfoot! I'll sleep better that way!

03.28.11 at 9:25 am

PUBLISHED writer

What can I say? Freelance vomiter. I might have agreed with some of the comments, but blaming Robin Williams for being a genius or suggesting the Bible needs rewriting so that the sacrifice of Christ is replaced with a Walther? You, Sir, are an insufferable moron who I can't believe I wasted my time in reading.

03.29.11 at 11:04 am

fuck Neil Bulson

Your such a shitty writer Neil Bulson, I hope you quit. This is by far the worst article I have ever read on the entire internet.

03.30.11 at 5:49 pm

Yoda

I presume you've not had the internet for long then. Man have you got some disappointments ahead of you.

04.29.11 at 1:35 pm

Greenie

Jason Biggs very nearly ruined "My Best Friend's Girl". When I watched it the second time I fast-forwarded through all his crappy scenes and the movie was fantastic.

05.04.11 at 1:34 pm

Anon

Christ, what is it with you guys? We're not in Libya.
I could lable all of you with just one word "FANBOYS", yes, it is true that I'm taking some innocent people into account, but that's just the way it is.

Ok, so let's some up.

You got offended by the twillight thing? Then go away and please die and oh, you're a fangirl
You got offended by the jesus thing? If you're no god believer, please die. If you're a creationist, please die, reincarnate, and die again, just like jesus.
You got offended by the star wars things? Please die, you're a fanboy we don't need people like you.

The moral of the story: This list is made by someone, and as we all know, something that we learned in elementary school but thousands of people seemingly forget, people have opinions. That means, the one who wrote this has one too! Oh my gawd, you didn't expect that, well yes, it's hard to conclude that the writer has opinions too, so I told you the answer. I hope you understand what I mean with this, 90% of you people are jerks, pigs and assholes, seemingly as stupid as pigs as well, didn't you learn what opinions are in elementary? Apparently not.

After reading this I hope you start enjoying life a little more, being a troll or an offended fanboy on the internet is not going to improve your life or the qualities of your life, so start being a bit more positive, every time I go on the internet it seems that only a bunch of depressive douches run it.

Have a nice day, I'm signing off :) .

05.12.11 at 11:48 am

Thomas Bobin

all those movies are great and i can see them everyday thanks to theese actors and characters so your are not able to judge with sense !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

05.23.11 at 4:34 am

Martin

What about not talking about christian movies when you are clearly not christian obviously do not have ANY IDEA AT ALL what the story about Jesus is. And it is not an action movie. it is a documentary. if you changed the story even slightly it wouldn't be a christian documentary anymore. you didn't even know a freaking thing about the movie. you can't judge a movie like an action movie when it is not.
Sincerely Yours Martin.

09.09.11 at 4:58 pm

quotations

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