6 Tips for Talking to Kids About Death

Sometimes it's difficult for adults to process the fact that someone they love has passed away, which is why explaining death to a child can seem like an overwhelming responsibility. "It's important to mention that as long as a child is old enough to understand that someone has died, the stages of grief [denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance] are the expected feelings for every age group," says Stacy Kaiser, psychotherapist, relationship, and parenting expert, and author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know. "And while not everybody hits all of these stages—and they're are not always expressed in this order—they go across the board."

Rely on the DVD player

Research published in the Omega-Journal of Death and Dying states that Disney and Pixar movies that feature a character who dies (such Bambi's mother, Mufasa from The Lion King, and Elsa's and Anna's parents in Frozen) provide teachable moments. "These films can be used as conversation starters for difficult and what are oftentimes taboo topics like death and dying," states Kelly Tenzek, a clinical assistant professor at the University at Buffalo, in a news release.

Have a heart-to-heart during a controlled moment.

"While it's certainly fine to shed a few tears when you tell your child about losing someone you love, do not speak to him/her when you are sobbing uncontrollably or unable to talk in a clear, easy-to-understand manner," says Kaiser. Not only may witnessing your overwhelming grief impact their ability to understand the situation, but it could make your child feel compelled to comfort you. "So it's best to keep your emotions in check."

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Leave out the word "sick"

If your child is under the age of 10, Kaiser advises not to inform him/her that your loved one who passed away was not feeling well. "One of the things that happens with younger children is that they have a tendency to think that if one person dies, more people will be dying," she explains. "The younger child will then think that if they get sick—or their parent gets sick—that they could die, as well." Instead, she suggests using the word "disease" instead of "sick" or "sickness." "If your child is afraid that they or someone else close to them may die in the near future, it is important to reassure them that everyone is healthy and plans to live a very long time," she adds.

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Give your child an opportunity to open up

Once you've told your child the sad news, ask him/her a few open-ended questions about how they are feeling. "If they do not feel like talking in the moment, give them some space—but bring up the conversation again to offer them a chance to express their thoughts and emotions," says Kaiser. Also, keep in mind that sobbing is optional. "Your child may or may not feel sad and cry," she continues. "It has a lot to do with their relationship with this person, as well as how much they understand the fact that this person is actually gone."

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Emphasize ways to keep your loved one's memory alive

If an aunt who has passed away loved to bake cookies, tell your child that you can bake as a tribute to her. If your pet loved the park, tell your child you can visit the park and talk about the good times you had with your dog.

"Another way to keep the memory of a loved one alive is to talk about lessons that you have learned them," offers Kaiser. "Did they teach you to live life to the fullest? To volunteer during the holidays? Whatever it is, encourage your child as the months and years go on to continue those lessons to honor their legacy."

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Discuss your personal thoughts about the afterlife

Talking about heaven with a child under the age of five can be challenging since they cannot comprehend the notion that someone can be someplace else besides "here." "If you hide behind a blanket, for example, a toddler thinks you have disappeared, so they really don't have the ability to understand an abstract concept," explains Kaiser.

Yet you may begin the conversation about what happens after a person passes away with a child starting around the age of six. "However, you want to talk about this theory based on your belief system by saying something like, 'Our family believes that grandma has gone to heaven,'" she states. After all, they may tell someone at school who might disagree that heaven exists, which is why Kaiser stresses the importance of using the word "belief." "And the same holds true if you don't believe in heaven—whatever your belief is should be explained in an age-appropriate way."

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