Barnes: With a new mind-set, these new fashions could be all the rage

Humor

Posted: Sunday, October 07, 2001

I was reading some fashion magazines at the beauty shop the other day, and I guess I'll never get too old to be amazed. What passes for fashion nowadays is either ugly or disgraceful. Or sinful. Or worse.

M.A.

Barnes

This Brittany Spears thing has gone too far when one finds bellbottom shiny latex pants in a size 6 -- for a 6-year-old. ''The very idea,'' my aunt used to say, fanning herself. Yes, I've become all the things I used to make fun of people for. But now I'm proud of it.

The clothes look like what the hookers used to wear on Hollywood Boulevard. Since that is now the standard of fashion excellence, I wonder if the street walkers are now wearing blue blazers, pearls and pumps -- just to identify themselves.

And the hairdos. I can't believe how the girls wad their hair up in rags or in cheap plastic clips so their hair hangs in their face. So lovely. But the magazines go even further with fuchsia hair that sticks straight down in their faces or straight up. I remember when we tried to look cute when we dressed up. We'd try to flaunt it a little less flauntingly.

I also remember my grandmother would have swatted my behind if I'd worn something so low -- or so high -- or so little of it that astonishing parts of me stuck out. Maybe I'm jealous, or maybe I was just never cute enough to get away with it. Or more likely I'm embarrassed. It's hard to tell anymore where one begins and the other ends. There just doesn't seem to be any body part that can't be featured anymore. Some of them are not all that pretty, actually I decided that if fashion designers can make ugly hair and dreadful boots and skinny naked bodies the rage, why can't we, the true women of America, start our own fashion trends?

First I think we should all join together and make big white and blue legs the standard of beauty. Who says legs have to be tanned? My friends either risk skin cancer or coat their legs with cream that turn their legs orange. Why are orange legs better than red (for the blotches), white and blue legs, which is certainly more patriotic.

Next I think thin hair should be all the latest fashion, especially hair the sun shines through on top, even when it's teased. That could really look lovely with a soft focus lense. Why does hair have to be long, glorious and luxurious? If skeleton thin bodies are fashion, why not whispy thin hair?

I also think the words matronly and plump should be replaced with ''ripe like a grape'' and ''tender fig.'' That will make the woman ''of more womanly body'' more appealing. Who says skinny is better? Who started that? Especially since most women fill out after age 30. How about, clothing for the indolently sensuous. How about that? Or ''at the peak of ripeness.'' With a thesaurus, we could all come up with tantalizing descriptions. Some cultures still like women of substance (fat). I can't remember where, but maybe I could move there.

And how about wrinkles? How boring is smooth, silky skin? No character, no challenge, no living, no signs of struggle or passion. Maybe wrinkle cream could be marketed that adds wrinkles because wrinkles are considered gorgeous. How about, ''Skin as sensuous as an unmade bed.'' Well, that needs a little work.

It's time to put a stop to the fashion police that tell us we have to wear skinny sweaters that show rolls of fat (love handles is the preferred term.) If that can be popularized, how about muu muus (popularly called ''floats'')? And if tattoos are the rage, what's wrong with liver spots? Can it be worse than a nose ring?

And how about all this leather? And boots? Can you imagine a 60-year-old woman in leather pants, orange hair, net stockings, high heel boots and braless in a sweater walking down the aisle at church at the 11 o'clock service. My, my, the very idea!

If back-to-front dancing (I'm shocked! I'd have been kicked out of school for even thinking it) how about plain old front-to-front dancing? Maybe that's just as shocking, come to think of it.

If models sitting all spraddle-legged is popular, how hard would it be to popularize women's legs crossed at the ankles? If the full monty nudity is sexy, how about the imagination? The mind is still the sexiest organ in the human body. Maybe a little mystery and an occasional ''no'' would become popular again.

Why is youth so glamorous, anyhow? Just because they're thin and soft and perky. Where in those glowing faces is wisdom? Actually wisdom for me came with doing really stupid things, but that's another column.

A sadder but wiser girl for me, as the song goes. Experience and mileage can have its allure. Maybe, with the right spin.

This article published in the Athens Banner-Herald on Sunday, October 7, 2001.