A View from the Top

I don’t want to admit it. I may even regret writing it. But, here it is: I’m a worrier.

It all started just as an annoying itch as a college student when I had percolating thoughts of my future. But now it’s grown into a silent mountain of fears that simultaneously yell, “What if?” This worry started panging my soul as a young adult when I was in new places, at new jobs, and every time I looked at my bank account balance. The mountain doubled in size when a new little soul came into my care in 2007. She was cute, she was vulnerable, but what was most concerning about her is that she called me “Mommy.”

Worry may have been annoying, but the feeling of love just felt clumsy after becoming a mother. Moments before I fell asleep at night were now full of apprehension about my parenting. Headlines told me that the world was becoming more and more dangerous. School districts began scoffing at my expectations. And everything I did was questioned by myself 2.6 seconds afterward. I was praying frequently for peace and direction, but the worrying was exhausting in so many ways—mentally, physically, and emotionally. I found myself whispering pleading prayers to God daily that consisted of few words, but were heavy with meaning—prayers like, “Please. Help. Me.”

Months passed and I finally felt a little more confident in my parenting. Worry’s volume was shushed for now, and I began to plan my child’s first birthday. I tried to tone down the elaborate plans, but I couldn’t help it. We had all made it through this first year. So, a theme was chosen. The guest list was made, revised, and expanded. To-do lists were drawn up. But in all of the plans, there was something missing.

The missing piece was something that had been developing in both my husband’s mind and mine for months. We had not yet dedicated our daughter to God. My husband is a pastor, and it would not have been difficult to choose a time and a place to celebrate this event. But, in truth, I knew that dedicating her was more than merely standing in front of the Body of Christ, or going through the motions of baptizing her into a family of believers. For both of us, it was a big decision. And as her mama, I just wasn’t ready to let go of her.

During those months before her birthday, I spent my few quiet moments in a rocking chair on my front porch. The view from my porch is a gorgeous sprawl of the Appalachian foothills, and although those hills weren’t actually mountains, I felt like my perch there was a mountaintop between God and myself. I prayed, listened, and let my thoughts flow freely there.

When thinking of other mountaintops where my Scriptural heroes had found God as well, Mount Moriah always loomed in my mind. Abraham’s ascent up Mount Moriah to sacrifice Isaac had to be heart-wrenching as a parent. Both grief and trust had to be weighing in his steps up the steep terrain with the wonder of what lay above. When he did reach the top, he may have looked down and been tempted to retreat and keep his son for himself. Instead, he stayed there at the top, trusting, and in God’s mercy, Isaac was not the sacrifice that day. An angel intervened, and a ram was found tangled in thorns that symbolized the later sacrifice of Jesus Christ. God had provided the sacrifice for them, and later, with Christ, did the same for the entire human race.

When putting myself in Abraham’s place, I knew the worry that plagued me as a mother was my own mountain to climb. I wasn’t sure I would react as obediently as Abraham, but I knew I wanted to share his abandoning faith that God would provide. I wanted to trust my daughter’s future to the Lord—even if that meant that He might call her to dangerous places to help others—allow her to walk a difficult journey so that she could find Him, or, in my most feared thoughts as her mother, allow her to be obedient to Him unto death.

Together, my husband and I decided that her first birthday would not only be a joyful celebration of her first year, but also our dedication of her to God amongst our family and friends. This decision of dedication was so much more than allowing her to go on a mission trip or explore God’s plans for her. It was the precursor to all of that in her life; it was the permission slip that we would sign to God that said, “Yes, she is Yours.”

Finally, a few days before the party, we began to write the questions we wanted our friends and family to ask us. We knew that there would not be a perfect moment to place her in God’s hands, but writing down what we knew God wanted from us was the beginning of our ascent up our mountain. And at her birthday party, our human hearts wrestled against our submission with every question asked.

Do you dedicate your home to be this child’s first church, being rooted in the salvation of Jesus Christ with the help of the Holy Spirit?

We do.

Do you relinquish your own earthly ambitions for this child and embrace God’s eternal plans and purpose for her?

We do.

Will you provide the means and support for this child to fulfill God’s individual calling for her life?

We will.

As her parents, do you trust God as a Protector, Overseer, Savior, and Helper in this child’s life?

We do.

Next month, my little one will celebrate yet another birthday. Though I’d love to plan a fancy event again, I will probably resort to typical two-year old sophomoric choice of something quieter with matching plates, balloons, and decorations. She will turn a year older, and internally, I will celebrate making it though another year of parenthood. But this time, the celebration in my heart will look much different. It’s no longer about the “what ifs” of next year. It’s the “I do’s” of God’s asking of me this year. My mountains of worry and hope as a mother are not smaller, but they are much easier to climb this time around. My faith is rooted the belief that we can trust Him with our treasures. It’s definitely not easy, but with my remembrance of her dedication, I can trust that He’s waiting at the top of not only my mountains, but also all of hers.

With a trunk full of journals, essays, and otherwise good story ideas, Alison couldn’t deny the fact when she left every morning for a fast-paced job in marketing and advertising that she was missing one of her favorite pastimes: writing. But after a client offered her the opportunity to practice this hobby professionally, she took it, and since then, Alison has embraced writing as a life-long calling from God. Now a pastor’s wife to Brandon and stay-at-home mom, the time to write is not as available, but the inspiration to is abundant as she rediscovers God’s creation and joys along with her one-year-old daughter. She blogs at This is Not a Rough Draft.

With a trunk full of journals, essays, and otherwise good story ideas, Alison couldn't deny the fact when she left every morning for a fast-paced job in marketing and advertising that she was missing one of her favorite pastimes: writing. But after a client offered her the opportunity to practice this hobby professionally, she took it, and since then, Alison has embraced writing as a life-long calling from God. Now a pastor's wife to Brandon and stay-at-home mom, the time to write is not as available, but the inspiration to is abundant as she rediscovers God's creation and joys along with her children.

When Doing Justly, Loving Mercy, and Walking Humbly Stand at Odds

One of my life verses is Micah 6:8, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

It is one of my favorite verses because my heart has been so moved by the love Jesus has for me and the sacrifice He made for me that I am grateful to have a way to express my gratitude through acts of justice and mercy while walking humbly with God.

I have found at times, however, the call to do justice and love mercy come in conflict with the call to walk humbly with God. For me, one of the ways to walk humbly with God is to recognize my limitations. I have to put skin to the fact that I am not God which means saying, “no” to ministry requests. It means going to sleep when I could be spending time advocating for the harrowed and helpless in the world. It means limited seats at my table, limited funds in my bank account, and limited energy in my body cannot be ignored but respected and adhered to.

This is hard for me at times, especially when I scroll my Facebook feed and see friends who are caring for their really sick children, spouse, or other family member all while millions of refugees flee war torn countries and babies are slaughtered by the hundreds each day in our country through the abortion industry.

As I scroll, I receive texts about one family member’s surgery gone wrong and another family member announcing a new baby is on the way. I have in mind my neighbor who has inpatient surgery scheduled this week and another neighbor who is trying to hold down a full-time job, care for twins all while battling profound “morning” sickness.

Folks at church are fighting for their lives in physical and spiritual ways, and strangers who pass me on the road are clearly battling something as demonstrated by their impatient honking because I won’t take a right turn on red. I want to meet the needs of all; I want to do justice and love mercy, but I’m daily confronted by the fact that I am so limited.

What am I to do when doing justly and/or loving mercy seem to come in conflict with walking humbly with my God?

God keeps bringing me to this answer: prayer.

God invites us to cast our cares before Him because He cares for us.
God tells us to be anxious for nothing BUT WITH PRAYER present our requests before Him.
God commands us to pray without ceasing.

And, when I walk humbly with God, I see the immense kindness in His command.
He gives us a way to do justly, love mercy WHILE walking humbly with Him.
It is by praying without ceasing.

I cannot take a meal or give money to every sick person or family I know. I cannot extend kindness to all my neighbors all at the same time they’re in need nor conjure up sustainable solutions for the refugee crisis and contact all the necessary world powers to make it happen.

I cannot heal all, but I know the Healer.

I cannot provide for all the needs, but I know the Provider.

I cannot rescue everyone in need, but I know the Rescuer.

I cannot comfort all the broken, but I know the Comforter.

I cannot speak peace over every situation, but I know the Prince of Peace.

I cannot be all to all, but I can go to the Great I Am through prayer, lay all the people, problems and pleas for help before the Omniscient and Omnipresent God of all Creation.

I can do this through prayer.

Recently, via an Instagram contest of all things, I came upon A–Z prayer cards designed by blogger/author/speaker, Amelia Rhodes. It is a simple concept packed with a powerful prayer punch. It has served me personally in this tension of wanting to do far more than I practically can do. It provides prayer prompts starting with each letter of the alphabet along with a scripture that coincides with the prayer focus. It ranges from Adoption to a creative “Zero Prejudice” for the letter “Z.”

The cards are well thought out, color printed on sturdy cardstock with blank lines for the user to write in the names of people and/or organizations that are personal to them.

If, like me, your compassion far exceeds your capacity, pick up a set of these prayer cards and unload your burdens onto a God whose competence matches His kindness, both boundless.

And now, holding my second-born daughter in my arms, thinking back on that brief exchange just a few years ago, I realize those fears were well-founded. I’ve failed many times. I’ve lost my temper. I’ve raised my voice. I’ve worked too much and played too little. I’ve seen my own sinfulness reflected in my daughter.

Yes, I’ve failed, but over and above it all, God’s grace has covered my parenting imperfections and made me run to the cross day after day. The writer of Proverbs puts it this way:

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.
Proverbs 14:26

When it comes to fears, we have two choices: Will we fear the unknown or will we fear the Lord? Will we allow the uncertain to grip us in its clutch or will we turn to God’s Truth to set us free?

Scared? Oh yeah. There was so much to be scared of that day. And even now, if I’m completely honest, there are still fears nibbling at the edges of my consciousness. Fear that we won’t outgrow the temper tantrums. Fear that the two girls won’t get along. Fear that I’ll mess them up and cause them interminable hours on a psychologist’s couch.

I’m sure you have fears, too.

But rather than allow those fears to consume and paralyze us, we can take them to the Lord, acknowledging His sovereignty over our parenting, pleading His grace over our mistakes, and entrusting His provision over their futures. He is not only able to handle it all — He is far more capable to be trusted with it all.

If I say one thing to that frightened 9-month-pregnant me standing in that room years ago, I would say this: Don’t let fear rob today’s joy with tomorrow’s unknowns. Each day has enough worries of its own (Matthew 6:34).

Instead, let us keep seeking God, running to Him as our secure fortress and resting in the knowledge that He will care for us and our children one day at a time.

What are you scared of today? Name your fears and bring them to the Lord, allowing Him to replace them with His peace that passes all understanding.

He Gives Shade To The Weary

Do you ever have those moments of fear because you don’t know what lies ahead? When do those thoughts tend to happen to you?

For me, most of those thoughts happen when I lay my head down to sleep at night. The vulnerability comes forth every time. That’s what happened the other night to me. I shut my eyes and immediately anxiety welled up inside me.

What if we don’t succeed in this new venture? What if we have to move? What if we can’t pay our bills?

I laid there with the covers drawn tight over my head (I still think that I am safer if the covers are over my head), praying scripture over my anxious heart. Assuring myself that God sees me and that He cares.

In the morning, I turned to Isaiah 41, specifically verses 10-20.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NASB)

Yesterday, the “what if’s” piled up as I anxiously looked about me. My daughter needs tutoring, however at this point in life, tutoring feels like a luxury we can’t afford. So I listed some items online to sell hoping to make just enough to cover the tutoring. I’m buying groceries on a Visa reward card. I’m holding my breath until the next paycheck comes. But what did God speak over me: Do not fear. Do not look anxiously about you.

“For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel; I will help you,” declares the Lord, “and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.” (Isaiah 41:13-14 NASB)

Why shouldn’t I be anxious? Because God will hold me up. God will help me. When I first read the word “worm” as a description, I took it as a slam against Israel. Like, gesh, God. What animal does He relate me to? But through further study, He calls them a worm because worms are helpless. They are viewed as insignificant, despised and weak. God will help me — seemingly insignificant, helpless me — because He is my Redeemer. He is my go’el — my next of kin. The Redeemer is the one who provides for all my needs. Rent. Car payment. Credit card bill. Gas. Food. Clothes. Debt. God will redeem.

“Behold, I have made you a new, sharp threshing sledge with double edges; You will thresh the mountains and pulverize them, And will make the hills like chaff. You will winnow them, and the wind will carry them away, And the storm will scatter them; But you will rejoice in the Lord, You will glory in the Holy One of Israel.” (Isaiah 41:15-16 NASB).

God is transforming me from a helpless one to a powerful one. The description of that type of threshing sledge is like a modern day earth mover. Powerful. Strong. Immovable.

“The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, And their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the Lord, will answer them Myself, As the God of Israel I will not forsake them.” (Isaiah 41:17, NASB)

He will come to our rescue. God, Himself, will answer you and me. Can you hear how personal that sounds? Have you ever pleaded with someone important whether your boss, public figure, or even a parent, and they responded to the need themselves? You expected for them to send their assistant, but instead they — the most important one — responded to you.

“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water. I will put the cedar in the wilderness, The acacia and the myrtle and the olive tree; I will place the juniper in the desert Together with the box tree and the cypress.” (Isaiah 41:18-19, NASB)

This passage describes the wilderness-like times in life. You are barren. You are thirsty. You are hot. You are in need. God will provide what you need. God will quench your thirst. He will provide shade when you are weary. During those times, God can provide in creative, innovative ways. He can provide something out of nothing. Doesn’t that give you great hope? Even when you can’t answer how He will do it, He is creative enough to figure it out even when the odds are stacked against you.

“That they may see and recognize, And consider and gain insight as well, That the hand of the Lord has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Isaiah 41:20 NASB).

God will do all of this so that His glory will be put on display. People — including yourself — will see that He is powerful.

So you can see how after a night of wrestling with fear and anxiety, reading this was like shade and water for my soul. God is a god who sees. And God is a god who acts on your behalf.

What do you need His help with today? What are you fearful about today? What keeps you awake at night? Where do you need some shade?

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Hi, I'm Ashleigh Slater, founder and editor of Ungrind. Here at Ungrind, it’s our goal to churn out biblically-based encouragement for women. We strive to be honest and transparent about our struggles in a way that inspires hope, faith, and perseverance.

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