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We’ve all heard about the optimum ways to De-Stress. Meditate, go for a walk, drink more water, smile…and I’m sure they work for a lot of people. But, then there are people who actually want to remove tension, anxiety and worry from their immediate world. When I tell someone I had a stressful day at work and they suggest I should have taken a 5-minute walk, I want to do a combo move of laughing in their face and kicking them in the shin. I’m not saying the following suggestions are healthy, or even responsible, but they work. I’d love to think the normal clichés work for me, but sometimes, just sometimes, things suck so badly that a little walk around the block won’t cut it. After a particularly bad day at work, follow my free and very logical advice on what to do when you finally make it out of the dragon’s lair. None of these are innovative, but every now and then in moments of desperation we need things spelled out for us…

1. HAVE A CONCERT/MINI DANCE PARTY IN YOUR CAR – On your way home put on some music that you can either sing to or dance to. Turn it up extremely loud and sing and/or dance your way home. You can also yell at your boss without fear of being terminated, vent to your rear view mirror about how you don’t need this kind of shit in your life, and cry a little, you know, let it all out. This is the time to do that. It’s good to do all this in the semi-privacy of your car so by the time you get home, you have finished Phase One of de-stress mode. Most of your outward erratic behavior will be gone and you can begin Phase Two.

Personal note: You also might want to tone it down a notch at traffic lights. Unless, of course, you really feel like giving the world a big “Fuck You!”, then of course you just keep on signing! You give a good show to that homeless guy staring at you from the side of the road.

I had nothing to do with creating anything to do with this imagine…some awesome person odysseyroc did –

2. HAVE A DRINK – Now you’re home. Call up a friend(s) and go to anywhere that serves alcohol. OR, stay at home and drink by yourself. Now, some of you may think that if you turn to alcohol while you’re stressed, that makes you an alcoholic. Well, let me assure you, I’ve taken a poll consisting of me, myself and myself and we all concur that isn’t true. However, if you are stressed at work and have a drink during work hours, that’s a different story, but still something we can talk about. We’ll take that one on a case by case basis.

3. WATCH TV – Spend the rest of the evening watching TV or movies. Once you’re focused on anything other than work, you will forget – obvious, right? Anything will do, reality, sit-coms, the excellent cable programming they have on these days, anything but sad movies/shows. This will do nothing but snap you back into reality. Seriously, stick with “Project Runway” or “Top Chef” (and yes, I do consider “Dance Moms” and “Keeping up with the Kardashians” sad TV). Make sure to stay up as late as possible to prove to yourself that work doesn’t own you and you still have your own life and can make your own decisions like staying up late like a child to watch TV and NOT getting a good night’s sleep. When you wake up on the couch and wonder if the time on clock is displaying 3:00 a.m. or p.m., it’s time to head to bed.

4. SLEEP – Finally. You will be tired since you stayed up entirely too late watching TV. I know that many people who are experts in depression view this as just another symptom, but let me make my case. When you are sleeping you can’t be stressed! Simple as that. There’s nothing to think about. There’s nothing to worry about. There’s nothing to [insert anything here]. See, you get it! So I suggest sleeping off the rest of your night until that little asshole of an alarm starts-a-buzzing at the crack of dawn.

This list may seem silly, maybe even stupid, but I followed these guidelines just last night and here I am – STRESS-FREE. I may be tired, hungover and hoarse, but stress-free nonetheless. Success.