10 Natural Makeup Tips to Make Him Think You’re the Grand Canyon

Summer is upon us and while we’ve had fun experiments with holographic lipsticks and bold eyes, but it goes without saying that men prefer natural looks. They want you to adorn yourself in facial witchcraft that makes it look like you rolled out of bed with flawless skin, bright eyes, and twirling lashes without having to put in effort in at all. Women who wear minimal makeup don’t make men go to Sephora because it’s a crime against masculinity and so boring. Since your man is going to look for every reason to determine you aren’t good enough for him, it’s important to prioritize his preferences in your makeup routine. Men love the Grand Canyon and gazing upon its majesty — make him look at you like he looks at nature’s beauty! These ten makeup tricks will turn you from a fug-boat to a hot-yacht in no time!

Photo from Maverick Airlines

Keeping a man is a tricky thing. They are so slippery! Probably all that hair gel. The way to keep a man is to appear low maintenance and low pressure while allowing the river of his affection to eat away at your until a gully forms. And I think all of us who have tried to keep an orchid alive can attest, nature is very low maintenance. It’s important to not go too heavy with your makeup or appear too overdone. The appearance of less is absolutely more. Highlight your natural beauty with earth tones. Let your sharp eyeliner mimic the smudges of desert dirt. The trick to getting this model’s blushing look is to layer the eye shadow and highlighter on the ridges of your cheeks to create a shelf. Then, cry for several hours to cut a channel down your cheeks.

One word: Contour. Contouring and highlighting are very important to achieving a realistic look. I mean, who were you kidding sporting a bare face?? Don’t you realize that natural and normal faces all have shimmering cheeks? Jesus, you’re lucky men talk to you at all. To get this great look, use the end of your bush to dip in bronzer and pinprick all over your jawline (see above) to get a glowing, stippling effect. If you don’t get it the first time, keep practicing. Natural beauty takes several tries — look at the platypus!

Does your fella say he likes “adventures” in his Tinder profile? Of course he does! Men love to get outside and stand in front of big rocks and take pictures. Not selfies though. Men take self portraits — never selfies. Make him take a self portrait in front of you by really layering the pressed powder. The more you look like sedimentary rock pressed together for millions of years to form slightly varying shades of brown, the more he’ll be dazzled by you. Dazzled possibly long enough to fall in love with your mind. Use the pressed powder, bronzer, and highlighter to cast sunlight upon your forehead while making the rest of your face varying shades of dry, crusted matte brown.

Did you know that an average of 12 people die at the Grand Canyon every year? Strike him dead with this killer look! To get rid of those under eye circles, use the Blur Stick as a concealer and then rub it onto the sides of the nose and corner of the eyes. Bewitch him into plummeting to his death in the coppery ravines of your brow ridge.

Don’t forget your skincare! So far we’ve focused on what you put on, but natural beauty is as much about what you take out. Exfoliate to keep skin soft, supple, and nubile. In fact, use a callous grater to peel off the first several layers of skin to get your baby pink newness. After you’ve squeeze your pores of all your sandy grit, fill them back up with the Lock-It Concealer Creme to hide the little empty pinpricks. After you’ve made your whole face raw and then flatly beige, use the setting powder to create an accent cheek that’s darker than the other, giving your face the appearance of being bigger.

A wise man once said, “Nature is so natural.” He was right, that wise man. Probably Gandhi. Put that on your vision board to remind yourself every single day that you, as you are, are a natural disaster. To hide what a mess you are, make him think that you just have gorgeous skin and highlighted eyes by using blush all over your face. Not just for cheeks anymore! Use it as a base and then build out your eyes and contour your chin and ears to make a basin pool in the center of your face. Then use the lightest colors in the Glow Kit over your upper lip as if the sun were shining right on your snot funnel. Now squint. Sexy Mama!!!

It’s been proven with science that men are afraid to kiss women with bold lip colors. They want you to wear the lipstick — they don’t want to wear it! To get this awesome nude lip, put the Soothing Primer onto your lips and blend them into the rest of your face. You will be so mysterious because he won’t even be able to find your lips! Keep him guessing!

The most important thing to remember is that men want to see the real you. The real you that you show them after carefully cultivating a personality where you aren’t a needy bitch. Like, sometimes women are just so much work, amirite? You get it. It’s so hard to get along with girls. Most of my friends are guys.

Look sleek and take charge look by highlighting your eyes. Always pick your best feature, and if he’s looking into your eyes he won’t notice that every other piece of your is utterly unfuckable. What? I’m just being honest. Use the Smashbox Palette to line your eyes in green shadow and foundation your brows so he has nothing to look at but your eyes. The rest of your face should be the same matte color so it doesn’t distract from your eyes.

Beyonce favors looks that show off her doe eyes and vibrant skin. Don’t you want to be Beyonce? But not, like, fierce Beyonce because men only like that on TV. In fact, men like to see your flaws. He wants to see that you’re a little less than a person under all that mascara. Fixable minor flaws remind him that you’re unworthy of him and remind him that you’re sexy but in a damaged sort of way. Smudge your eyeliner and blend it into the DIPBROW Pomade to prove to him that you’re a fixable fixer upper. Someday you’re going to make him a really great wife and tourist site.

The most important and attractive part of a sexy person is confidence. But not too much confidence. Be confident like a storm but a storm that’s super sorry for bothering him or needing anything. Channel confidence but remember that should only be with your makeup. You, yourself, should remain a quivering, insecure, pile of self loathing, but your look will totally say, “I don’t need you to determine my self worth three out of seven days of the week.”

This exotic, fierce look will let him know that you’re not someone to be messed with but will also remind him you’re fragile and need him to feel good about yourself. To recreate this sultry look, use the Navy Blue Urban Decay lipstick on your lashes to highlight the smokey eye. Fill in your brows and draw a dramatic, craggy gorge from your right ear to the left side of your nose.

Hi! If you like my work please support my Patreon. Before you ask, yes I want all of this makeup. I’m not a robot.

Share this:

Like this:

LikeLoading...

About The Author

Lauren Parker is a writer based in Oakland. A harbinger of chaos, she spends most of her time hunched over her computer working on her podcast, GLOW the Distance. She has written for the Toast, Harlot Magazine, the Tusk, Ravishly, Main Street Rag, and plain china. You can follow her on twitter @laurenink and online at www.laureneparker.com and patreon.com/laurenparker