Chronic Pain & Life

I'd like to touch on a subject but I'm a little concerned for how it will be taken. I think we are all adults here and I'm hoping this will not offend anyone. Please know that it's not my intention.

There are conversations that are generally considered not to be a part of "polite society" and sex is a big one, and as I've never been considered part of polite society, I'm going to talk about it. If it makes you uncomfortable I do apologize, but let's talk about sex for a bit shall we?

Some say if you're in a relationship and the sex is good it's only ten percent of your relationship, but when it's bad...it's ninety percent. Do you believe that? What's the sex like in your relationship? It's a personal question I know and I do apologize, but seriously....now that pain is a part of your life, are you still sexually active? If you're saying yes...good for you!! keep it up! and if you're saying no...is it because of your pain?

I do realize there are single people out there, and I'm one of them, and sex may not be a big part of your life at this moment...but...do you still have an active interest in sex or do you avoid it because of your pain? Have you ever masturbated to release the tension in your body to relieve your pain?

Intimacy isn't just about being sexual with your partner. It's more than that...there is also the mental and the emotional connection with your partner...don't forget to explore that too. Sometimes our first response is "are you kidding me? I'm hurting way too much for that right now" instead of thinking of all the ways we could help ourselves to be with the people we love.

Like other activities we participate in, there are things we can do to help us keep intimacy and sex in our lives...even when we're single. There are real "feel good" hormones that are released in our bodies when we become sexually aroused and when we are able to reach a state of orgasm. There are also "feel good" benefits to gentle touching, cuddling, and kissing.

Take a look a the following and give it some thought...

have a relaxing hot shower or bath together, touching and washing each other

cuddle on the couch or in bed while watching T.V., "making out" or massaging one another

when struggling to find a comfortable position with your partner, don't forget pillows...they aren't just for your head to sleep on...they can often provide soft support to ease positional pain

have an open line of communication with your partner...be able to share the times you're not ready without fear of rejection from your partner and also be the one to initiate sex when you are feeling a good day, share your sexual interests and your fears about your pain too, the more your partner knows, the more able they are to help you find something you both can enjoy

be open too to trying new things, new positions, maybe even some sexual aids to help...now that pain is a part of your life...you may need to do this a little differently now

take breaks to stop, stretch or to change positions if you need

when you're partner approaches and you're not "in the mood" be gentle with how you communicate that...often we can shut down our partner with how we respond to their touches...our words can hurt when we're feeling our pain....keep that in mind when you say "not tonight honey I have a headache"

learn to touch yourself...get comfortable with exploring your body when it's feeling good and when it's feeling bad...what touches soothes your pain? what increases it? touch yourself to relieve your pain...when you know what touches make you feel good, you're able to communicate that to your partner

If intimacy is an issue you're dealing with because of your pain, you don't have to avoid it. Please talk with your partner and have an open line of communication about your sex-life. It's one of the most beautiful and natural ways we can care for ourselves and even release our pain.

Don't hide from your intimate self because of your pain...learn what soothes you, what makes you feel good, and explore them. It's a feel good thing really.

As long as I can remember sex has hurt. I have been married for 25 years and I would say that the last 13 or so years have been no sex. I can't get comfortable and I feel bad since my husband wants to "just cuddle" but then he keeps going and then I get tense which makes the pain worse. I feel like a failure as a wife.

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Tammy...

is living life with chronic pain...doing the best I can with everyday.