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Too much

I’m completing an edit in which the writer did a couple of
things that reduced the effectiveness of the narrative—a case of “too much.”
Let me add that it’s a fascinating story with plenty of good writing.

The first too much is an overuse of adjectives. One
character is a very large man, and every time we are shown him using a hand it
is always a “massive hand.” And he is always—always—referred to as the “massive
man.”

A woman has very black hair, and she is described as “raven-haired
woman.” Again and again. And again.

A young wizard is referred to over and over and over as “the
young wizard.”

A younger brother is repeatedly identified as “precious
brother.”

Coupled with that “too much” is a second one: using those descriptions
repeatedly instead of the character’s name or a suitable pronoun. Over and
over.

I once fell prey to spraying different labels for a character in
my first novel, thinking that the reader would get tired of seeing the same
name over and over. Not so. Pick a name and use it consistently (along with
pronouns). It eventually becomes “invisible” like the word “said” can and slips
the character into the reader’s mind easily. Constantly switching names forces
the reader to adjust over and over, and that pulls her out of the story, even
if ever so little.

The problems with the constant repetition of descriptive identifications
such as these include:

Slowing the pace. It’s a lot easier to read “his
hand” instead of “his massive hand,” especially when you got it the first time
the hands were described that way. No need to tell me again, I already know
this. In fact, it can become irritating.

Break in point of view. When you’re in a close
third person point of view and the character is dealing with the young wizard
again and again, the character would naturally think of the wizard with either
his name or a pronoun—in your thoughts, you never describe another person over
and over. This is the author intruding on the character’s experience and
narrative.

Confusion/lack of clarity. Sometimes sticking a
distant authorial description into the midst of close third person action caused
me to be unsure if the descriptive phrase referred to the person being dealt
with or perhaps another one.

Let me add that I think there is one exception to the “one
name” guideline above. In one of my novels, when in the point of view of the
character he is referred to by his first name in narrative description: Jake.
That’s how he would think of himself.

For other point-of-view characters who are either antagonists
or protagonists who are just meeting him and not close, I used his last name in
narrative description: Black. It seemed to fit with the points of view that
they would naturally think of him by his last name. I was consistent in this
inconsistency, and it seemed to work because it helped to distance the
characters from each other, which was what I wanted.

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'” Elizabeth

Comments

Too much

I’m completing an edit in which the writer did a couple of
things that reduced the effectiveness of the narrative—a case of “too much.”
Let me add that it’s a fascinating story with plenty of good writing.

The first too much is an overuse of adjectives. One
character is a very large man, and every time we are shown him using a hand it
is always a “massive hand.” And he is always—always—referred to as the “massive
man.”

A woman has very black hair, and she is described as “raven-haired
woman.” Again and again. And again.

A young wizard is referred to over and over and over as “the
young wizard.”

A younger brother is repeatedly identified as “precious
brother.”

Coupled with that “too much” is a second one: using those descriptions
repeatedly instead of the character’s name or a suitable pronoun. Over and
over.

I once fell prey to spraying different labels for a character in
my first novel, thinking that the reader would get tired of seeing the same
name over and over. Not so. Pick a name and use it consistently (along with
pronouns). It eventually becomes “invisible” like the word “said” can and slips
the character into the reader’s mind easily. Constantly switching names forces
the reader to adjust over and over, and that pulls her out of the story, even
if ever so little.

The problems with the constant repetition of descriptive identifications
such as these include:

Slowing the pace. It’s a lot easier to read “his
hand” instead of “his massive hand,” especially when you got it the first time
the hands were described that way. No need to tell me again, I already know
this. In fact, it can become irritating.

Break in point of view. When you’re in a close
third person point of view and the character is dealing with the young wizard
again and again, the character would naturally think of the wizard with either
his name or a pronoun—in your thoughts, you never describe another person over
and over. This is the author intruding on the character’s experience and
narrative.

Confusion/lack of clarity. Sometimes sticking a
distant authorial description into the midst of close third person action caused
me to be unsure if the descriptive phrase referred to the person being dealt
with or perhaps another one.

Let me add that I think there is one exception to the “one
name” guideline above. In one of my novels, when in the point of view of the
character he is referred to by his first name in narrative description: Jake.
That’s how he would think of himself.

For other point-of-view characters who are either antagonists
or protagonists who are just meeting him and not close, I used his last name in
narrative description: Black. It seemed to fit with the points of view that
they would naturally think of him by his last name. I was consistent in this
inconsistency, and it seemed to work because it helped to distance the
characters from each other, which was what I wanted.

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'” Elizabeth