Chasing the dream...at a comfortable pace.

Situations I’m Awkward In

I could assemble an entire blog devoted to just this subject but in the interest of saving time, I’ve narrowed my list down to things that in the last month alone, have turned me into a neurotic mess.

Using A New Weight Machine At the Gym

I try to appear like I know what I’m doing at all times. This is really hard when I’m at the gym and I see equipment I’ve never used before. The last thing I want to do is straddle something only to find out I’m supposed to be bending over it. Well not in public anyway.

If ever I find myself intrigued by a new weight machine, I’ll approach it first by doing a fly-by on my way to another, while casually trying to decipher its purpose as I’m in transit. If I think I have a decent grasp of what on Earth it’s for, I make my way back and lean over it as if I’ve accidentally dropped something, while implementing what is in effect, a Terminator scan, to determine whether or not I can mount it with some semblance of familiarity. If after moving a couple of parts and jiggling a few knobs, I’m still clueless as to what the hell this thing is supposed to tone, I flippantly walk away and pretend I was just making sure the weights were not off kilter.

Your Poor Bar Etiquette

I used to be a bartender which is why I’m so sensitive to this particular issue, however I go out constantly with people who don’t understand that when you order a drink, you have to pay for it, like immediately.

Often I’ll pay for a first round because I’m the only one of us who’s freaking out about the prospect of rummaging through my bag looking for cash with my server hovering over me after she’s delivered our drinks. Having your money ready saves everyone time and aggravation. However, if we’ve ordered our second round and you haven’t reached for your wallet simply because it hasn’t occurred to you that bar staff want to limit their transaction time with you to practically zero, I start digging for mine because I don’t want to be the dick who’s holding up everyone else’s booze. This often leaves me paying for more than my share of drinks because even when you go “Oh, no wait, take this.” I refuse, pretending the reason I pulled my money out a second time is because I’m just that kind of girl and not a panicking freak.

Asking Them To Layer The Butter On My Popcorn At The Movies

I don’t think this is an unreasonable request. You get a big ass bag of popcorn and then they only put butter on the top. It makes no sense! Yet who wants to be the lard-ass that draws attention to the issue? Definitely not me. Instead, every time I’m at the movies and the snack line begins moving steadily towards the counter, I’ll toss Jeff White ten bucks seconds before we reach the register and proclaim I have to go to the bathroom. Then, as I’m casually sauntering away, I’ll turn around and say something like “Oh hey, don’t forget to ask them to layer the butter.” like it was an after thought, rather than something I had been silently dreading having to deal with for the last ten minutes.

As a side note, now most theaters offer self-serve butter. At first glance, one might think this would be a plus, in that it hands over control to the person who’s eating the popcorn, but you would be mistaken. How am I supposed to distribute an acceptable amount of butter to a bag that’s already brimming over the sides? It’s not possible. So just to make sure my friends never want to go anywhere with me ever again, I’ve begun stopping by Whole Foods before going in and grabbing a couple of those little plastic salad dressing containers to fill up in an effort to make sure I’m never without butter reserves. Sorry Vanna.

Seeing Someone I’m Not Sure I’ve Met Before

I swear to GOD I have a facial recognition problem. I could have met you a dozen times but if I run into you in a scenario that I’m not used to seeing you in, like on the subway, it’s anybody’s guess who I’m talking to. It’s SO annoying because it makes me look like SUCH an asshole.

Sometimes, in an effort to avoid this situation, I’ll over compensate and give a perfect stranger a hug, being that I’m almost positive we’ve been introduced before. Once they peel me off of them and explain I must have them mistaken for someone else, I have to deal with the pitiful looks I’m getting from my friends who know exactly what has just happened.

If Ever A Purchase Ends In 99 Cents

This drives me nuts. I’m at the Key Foods and I’ve got a bill for $49.99. I hand the cashier a fifty dollar bill. Do I stand there and wait for my penny? If I do, does he think I’m being cheap? What would I be thinking in his situation? “Like seriously, dude, you’re gonna wait for your one cent?” or if I walk away are they all like “Oh well excuuuse me! Look who doesn’t need their change!” Either way I feel like a douche so generally I make like I’m fussing with all of my groceries, getting them properly organized in their bags and then when I’m handed my coin I’m all like “Oh, right, thanks.” and pretend like what I was really waiting for was the receipt.

Saying Goodbye

I am the queen of the Irish exit at a party. My philosophy runs along the lines of “Let’s just get the hell out of here.” but then everyone’s all like “No! But we have to say goodbye!”

Why?! Are we never going to see these people again? And if not, does me bidding them farewell make it any better that they’re going to die soon? It’s not that I don’t like the people I hang out with, I just don’t like all of the chit chat I have to engage in with each of them before I walk out the door. We have to talk about how great it was to see each other and when we’re going to see each other again, and say that we’re definitely going to do some random plan we came up with that we both know is never going to happen. A lot of the time it takes longer to leave a party than it does to attend one. Better to just bounce and apologize in the morning.

Someone Suggesting We Go Do Karaoke

you definitely have to get a job again. Besides, to remember things(like people) Nicole put me an a very great program; it is called (have to look it up again, so much for memory) Luminosity. Soo much fun!!!!

Jeff

Everyone calls it Luminosity…it’s Lumosity. I also use it but I still forget everyone!!

Oma

Thanks Jeffy, Nicole just told me the same thing!!! See how much it works for me already???? hahaha. But I have lots of fun doing it.

Gabriele

We always find ourselves in situations where we try to be cool, but it just doesn’t always work out. How about the times when you wave to someone you think you know. As you approach them, and realize you DON’T know them, you keep smiling and waving to someone who is suppose to be behind them…so you don’t look like an idiot as you approach them. Then…at what point do you stop smiling, walking and waving? These are dilemas that have challenged mankind throughout the years. You comments also sound like a George Castanza (Seinfeld) routine. These are always his issues!

Yup this all sounds pretty classic although I do think you maybe missing a few things:) Oh and after the initial shock and semi embarrassment, I did accept the “bring your own butter” method and all it’s brilliance(except Kelly has to be the one to do it)!

OMG, I am sitting here trying to laugh silently at work, which is causing me to look like I’m having a seizure. Add “silent laughing” to my list! I love all of your points, and I’m awesome at being awkward too. Awkward and nervous are my 2 defaults. But, I also always TRY to make it look like I know exactly what I’m doing, at all times.
I starting following your blog a couple of weeks ago, and have been meaning to comment. You are hilarious, insightful (I loved your post on how to have an Unproductive Day), and most of all – you are genuine, and I love it. I’m enjoying playing catch up on your posts and am looking forward to new ones! Happy New Year!

RheelDaze

You just made my day! Thank you so much Amy. God, I get nervous too. I hate it. My adrenaline shoots through the roof if I even have to speak out in a class. Have a fantastic New Year!