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What follows is the complete story of the first (and, as of now, only) Magic Cafe Golden Idiot Awards aka The Brooksies. I had planned on doing these again sometime but reading back on it and remembering all the work that went into it over many weeks, it's probably not that likely. Plus the Cafe is filled with a different type of idiot these days. Not like the lovable knuckleheads who populated the nominations back in 2004. Most of the idiots there these days are cynical and negative and have some issue with every product that comes out. I prefer the idiots of old. The positive idiots. Enthusiastic young men with a 4th grade education getting pumped for the newest magic releases or preparing to release their first DVD.

Here is the story of the Brooksies from the initial idea through the award ceremony...

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Help an Idiot Win a Prize

I've been very forward-thinking recently on this site, talking about this or that plan or project. And while I know some people would prefer I write about, oh...say, magic things I've bought then gotmydickstuckin (that last one was asking for it; you don't dress like that and expect not to get bent over my close-up case), here's another idea I had for something that won't come to fruition for a few weeks. In accordance with my goal to be the most beloved figure in magicdom I have created the first annual Magic Cafe Golden Idiot award.

Here's the idea: I'm going to open my e-mail box to suggestions as to who is the dumbest member of The Magic Cafe forums. What I'd like you to do is nominate a person and give two or three examples of why you believe this person to be the supreme idiot. I'll gather these suggestions and narrow the field down to five and have a big nominee announcing post. Then people will be able to vote for those nominees for a certain period of time, and eventually we'll have a winner. The winner will receive $100 cash, and maybe some kind of trophy or plaque. They will also be given the opportunity to write an acceptance speech that I will post here for all to read.

Damn, this is going to be good.

[2015: I won't re-post everything that happened over the two months the Brooksies lasted, but a couple things to note are that before the nominations happened, Penguin magic stepped in and offered an additional $100 for the winner. So the winner was now getting $200. And I instituted a change to the procedure where if the person who won didn't accept the award (and write an acceptance speech), I would give the $200 to the person who nominated them instead. Essentially forcing the person to participate or have them still get made fun of and watch the person who originally called them out end up with the prize. I'm a prick.]

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Brooksy Nominations

The big day is finally here! It's so exciting.

Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees are (in alphabetical order)...

Nominee #1 -- Daffydoug

Daffydoug is one of the most prolific members of The Magic Cafe. Since December 23, 2003 he has, at the time of this writing, made 1636 posts on the Cafe. "Great," you're thinking, "he must be a really knowledgeable fellow." Not quite. Doucheydoug is one of those people who feel that they have to post every piece-of-shit random thought that passes through their head. In other words, he's one of the people who has turned the Cafe from a potentially helpful resource to an idiot warehouse.

Here's an example of one of Doug's genius posts:

Any cartoon fans out there? Specifically talking about Coyote and Road Runner, what was your favorite Coyote experiment/failure?

I loved the Acme Earthquake Pills, where he shook and rumbled so violently that he finally ends up destroying just about everything!

Yeah, Doug, that was fucking hilarious. Anyway, here's another bit of brilliance.

Any Stoogeaholics on the forum? Have a favorite Stooge line?

Oh yeah, I got one. Let me see if I can remember it. I think it was something like, "Only the retarded think we're funny. Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

Here's a great post that is not only completely paranoid, but also shows a total lack of understanding for how inflation works. He thinks that the fact that the cost of gas and postage stamps tends to gradually increase over time is a sign of some devious plot by...well, I'm not quite sure who he thinks. Just read it, the post is idiotic. By that same logic, the fact that that minimum wage goes up gradually over time is proof that the government wants us all to be millionaires.

In that post he write:

Maybe they see us as fools, I don't know, but I will tell you this. They are sure as H*** not fooling me, and I'm not swallowing the bait. I know the little game. But unfortunately, since I need to travel, I am more or less forced to play.

I hate being used. And I CERTAINLY hate having my intelligence underestimated.

Don't worry "daffydoug," I think it will be really hard for anyone to under estimate your intelligence.

Nominee #2 -- djvirtualreality

There are lots of different types of idiots on the Cafe, djvirtualreality is an example of the teenager-self-producing-a-DVD-of-his-shitty-magic idiot. And I'm not talking about some precocious teenager who happens to have hit on some intriguing new magic. I'm just talking about your standard teenage-dope. I look forward to his ad in Genii magazine soon.

Then you want Magic My Way by djvirtualreality. Look for the box with the guy on the cover pulling down his sunglasses in an effort to look cool, but he looks like an idiot whose notions of "looking cool" come from music videos from 1983.

No, as far as I'm concerned, the kihei kid's dumbest post is this one in regards to evolution. It's fine if you don't believe in evolution. It's idiotic, but it's fine. But here KK, not only shows his lack of knowledge about evolution, but science in general as he has somehow confused a principle of biology (evolution) as a principle of cosmology. The reason he has done this is because he gets all his scientific knowledge from religious authors which is a bad place to get your scientific information. If you don't believe me read the entire topic and watch the Kihei Kid mangle science throughout the whole thread.

Nominee #4 -- MagicChris

I have to tell you, I love MagicChris and his sweetly-retarded brand of idiocy. Unfortunately, his crowning glory is currently in the Cafe's "Cooler" section where only the staff of the Cafe can read it and make fun of him. However, I was wise enough to copy his thoughts from that now unavailable thread so that we can all enjoy them.

[2015: Here is the thread, it's no longer in the "Cooler." And MagicChris became Review King.]

The topic of the thread was Ammar's new set of Easy To Master Card Miracles. MagicChris first weighed in to say:

I died and went to heaven-this is the gretaest event of the year!!!!!!!!!

and later he adds:

Learning from DVD's is far better than books. Hooray for Amamr sharing these great secrets with us!!!

Roll Over Aces from a book? Forget it!!!

Hooray for Ammar!!!!!!!!1

These posts may make you think that he is either seven years old or suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome. Surprisingly though, at times he does have a coherent post. But more often than not it is just imbecilic raving.

Hooray for MagicChris!!!!!1

Nominee #5 -- Turnerhooch

Our final nominee is Turnerhooch, who, with one post, made himself a beacon of Cafe stupidity. And here it is.

In this thread he makes the point that the pass is a shitty sleight and then clarifies this position by saying that the Beatles weren't a very good band. Good argument there. Actually, he seems to hedge at one point and say that both the pass and the Beatles are "decent." Yes, I suppose both the pass and the Beatles are decent, but they're certainly no glide and Matchbox 20. That's for damn sure.

This thread alone would have got him nominated, but he also comes up with what is possibly the lamest magic trick ever.

Me: Okay. First, I'd like to thank you all for your support in making this first annual Brooksy award season something very special.

Say, have any of you been to The Magic Cafe? You know, they have a really nice group that runs that place over there. They must be nice because they apparently hired blind, mentally-retarded children to design their web site.

[Laughter]

But seriously...That site is really classy. Oh sure, they'll delete any dissenting opinions and they don't encourage thoughtful debate. But who among us isn't intrigued and stimulated by their huge collection of wacky emoticons.

[Laughter]

But seriously...That site really helps people. In fact I hear they just opened a new section on that site called "The Last Supper." It's for their members to get together and talk about how much time they spend at the Cafe and their inevitable suicidal depression.

[Laughter]

But seriously... Did you hear Steve Brooks was at a magic lecture the other day? It's true. And the magician was explaining some tricks during intermission. But each time he would explain the trick and say,"First you do a slop shuffle," the person he was talking to would walk away and hand their deck to Steve Brooks. Now this happened three or four time, until finally the magician got infuriated and said, "Don't you guys want to learn this trick?" To which the attendees replied, "Yes, of course." And the magician said, "Then why do you keep giving your deck to Steve Brooks when I tell you to do a slop-shuffle." To which the attendees respond, "Slop-shuffle? We thought you said 'Slob shuffle.'"

[Laughter]

But seriously...Let's get on with the show. Here are our first (and only) award presenters tonight. One of them is an Angel and the other one once slept on and then ate a mattress made out of angel food cake. Here are Mya Angel and Steve Brooks.

[Silence]

Mya Angel: Hello, we are here to present the award for biggest idiot at The Magic Cafe. Say, Steve, I was just wondering something.

Steve Brooks: What's that Mya?

Mya Angel: Do you have a sponge ding-dong?

Steve Brooks: Of course not, Mya. How could you ever think that?

Mya Angel: Well, I had no way of knowing because I haven't seen your dick in ages. Plus it seemed logical because you have a sponge gut, spongy thighs, and a big spongy fat ass.

[Laughter]

Mya Angel: And the nominees for the Golden Idiot are:

Daffydoug-- "Maybe they see us as fools, I don't know, but I will tell you this. They are sure as H*** not fooling me, and I'm not swallowing the bait. I know the little game. But unfortunately, since I need to travel, I am more or less forced to play."

Djvirtualreality-- "I've snorted a ramen noodle up my nose, but wasn't able to get it all the way back."

kihei kid-- "The point I was trying to make is ask anyone who agrees with the theory of evolution about the solar system and they will tell you (they have to) that it "just was" and "it has always been in existence"."

MagicChris-- "Hooray for Ammar!!!!!!!!!!"

Turnerhooch-- "Have someone set off a firecracker in the back and when everyone turns around to look, that's your misdirection to run out onstage. When everyone turns back around, there you are, standing triumphantly with your arms spread, waiting to start your act."

Mya Angel: And the winner is.

Steve Brooks: Djvirtualreality!

Djvirtualreality:[This is his actual, unedited, acceptance e-mail that was sent to me.]

I heard about this from a staff member at the cafe. I honestly thought that it was an award from Steve Brooks. The staff member said that you were a rude and vicious person trying to destroy the cafe and it's members. He sent me the site and checked it out. I thought it's a pretty cool site and I read through the comments. Though I don't really like the fact that people are getting picked on, but everyone has their opinion. It's a right for free speech right? I told a few friends about this and I told them the prize. I honestly don't think it's true, but if it is, I'm all for it. I do have a sense of humor and didn't take much offence to it. If you truly have a prize and your recycled trophy, I'd be happy to be on your nominee list. About my DVD, yes I am going to produce it. It will have all my creations as well as friends handlings. I read that I don't know who to credit, and I don't on some, but that's what asking is for right? Well thanks I guess for you to have me as your winner. I hope your site keeps going well and hopefully I'm another nominee. Thanks...... The Golden Idiot, Josh Golas

Andy:[Singing]

There he is...Golden Idiot

Master of stupidityIntent on making a DVDStill hasn't lost his virginity

There he is...Golden Idiot

Sunglasses on, he thinks he's coolI think that he looks like a foolBut perhaps it works in middle school

There he is...Golden Idiot

Probably not the next David BlaineDoesn't know about Peter KaneBut he does have a Ramen noodle in his brain

There he is...Golden Idiot

Goodnight, everybody! I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to all those of you who voted and thanks to the Cafe and all the idiots who spend so much time there. We couldn't have done it without you.