Posts Tagged ‘2012 election’

JAKARTA – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney narrowly escaped injury in Indonesia today when heavy rains caused a landslide that washed away part of a village where he was campaigning.

The working-class, blue-collar politician was in Southeast Asia, where he owns several small countries, to drum up support for his candidacy. Thousands of locals had braved inclement weather to cheer on Michigan-born Romney, unaware the very ground they stood on was about to vanish.

“I keep telling people I have support in the south, and this proves it,” said a smiling Romney just moments after the landslide occurred.

400 people were killed in the disaster.

In other election news, never-say-die GOP hopeful Rick Santorum planted himself in a flower pot today.

“What’s good for plants is good for people,” said Santorum as campaign volunteers buried him up to his chest in black potting soil.

The politician drew attention earlier this week when he told attendees at an energy summit in Mississippi that carbon dioxide was not harmful to the atmosphere. “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is,” Santorum is quoted as saying.*

Phone messages from The Anvil left at Santorum’s campaign headquarters offering to put the former Pennsylvania senator in a room with nothing but carbon dioxide to breathe for 10 hours were not returned.

When asked by reporters at the potting ceremony if he had blood or chlorophyll in his veins, Santorum said, “Chlorophyll is junk science.”

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* If you think I made that up, you’re wrong. You can read the quote righthere.

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – Pollsters were shocked today when the children of Mrs. Bluebonnet’s first grade class at West Captain Kirk Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa chose straight straws over curly ones by a two-to-one margin. It had been believed that most kids preferred the curly straws.

“This throws the election landscape into total disarray,” said political analyst Paul Naschy. “It’s completely shocking. It’s also utterly unexpected. I have nothing to say, do I?”

When asked why she chose the straight straws, Emma Jellybone, age 7, said, “It takes too long to drink a milkshake with a curly one.”

Emma’s teacher, Mrs. Bluebonnet, was unwilling to say which straw she preferred but did say she thought the political analyst quoted in the second paragraph was an inarticulate buffoon.

“Did you notice the redundancy,” she said. “Have you ever heard of partial disarray? Can something be kind of shocking or a little bit unexpected? The answer is no.”

When asked to choose between Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, or any of the tall, handsome mainstream Republicans who actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting the GOP nomination in 2012, Mrs. Bluebonnet’s kids picked straws again.

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NEW BLOODSHED IN ENGLAND

LONDON – Forces loyal to Queen Elizabeth II stormed Great Britain’s Parliament building today, briefly capturing it until they were beaten back by the armies of The Usurper, Prime Minister David Cameron.

Cameron appeared on BBC shortly after the battle to reassure Brits that government was functioning normally.

“Queens are a ghastly nuisance, aren’t they?” he said.

RAF pilots later bombed Windsor castle to, in Cameron’s words, “make way for a lovely shopping commons and maybe some sort of aquarium or garden.”

BBC political analyst Sir Edward Bollocks said the queen’s attack was not a serious attempt to win back authority for the monarchy.

“She knows she can’t win,” said Bollocks. “She just wants that tart of a future granddaughter-in-law [Kate Middleton, Prince William’s fiancé] to know who has the biggest family jewels.”

DETROIT – Researchers at the University of Detroit Online say that, within a scant 4 years, Homo sapiens will rule this planet no more. Our replacement? The sharkalope, according to UDO Science Professor Pinky Middleton.

“It’s the only species of shark with opposable thumbs,” says Middleton. “Plus it has wicked antlers. If you took nature’s most perfect killing machine and wanted to make it even perfecter, you’d add thumbs and antlers.”

Middleton has been studying the creatures for over 20 years, after his first two wives were suffocated in their beds by sharkalopes, as well as his college-dorm roommate and his mother’s boyfriend.

“I don’t blame sharkalopes for my personal tragedies,” he says. “They were just doing what nature evolved them to do.”

While most scientists agree that humans are about to be wiped out by a land/sea animal hybrid, not all of them believe our demise will come at the fins of a sharkalope.

“It’s the dinopus you should be watching out for,” says Middleton’s UDO colleague, Dr. Shinji Mafune. That organism, never observed in the wild by anyone but Dr. Mafune, may be rare, but it has the advantage of size.

Same as the old boss: Dinopus

“Trust me,” says Mafune. “You don’t want to see this thing walking down the street. A dinopus would eat a sharkalope like it’s a biscuit at tea time.”

The looming clash of beasts that will determine a new world order not only threatens the existence of mankind but also raises serious questions about the immediate political landscape. While pundits and would-be candidates are focused on the 2012 presidential campaign, Sharkalope and Dinopus may be positioning themselves for a 2016 run. But would they share a ticket and run against a human? If they run against each other, which one is a Democrat and which one is a Republican? Is it too early for either of them to put together a political action committee?

To answer these questions, we contacted Princeton University’s Dean of Political Science, Dr. Herbert West.

“There’s no such thing as a sharkalope, you idiot,” explains West. “Even if there were, how could an unarmed fish without a cerebral cortex possibly conceive of world domination much less hatch a plan to accomplish it?”

He also said, “And there’s no such place as the University of Detroit Online. I guess you guys never heard of something called ‘fact checking,’” though it was not immediately clear what he meant.