Saturday, September 27, 2014

Throw on all the sequins you can find, whack on your limited edition Osher Gunsberg commemorative wig and double drop your No Doz now because we're all about to endure the most special Bachelor episode of the year - it's the "THE BACHELORETTES TELL ALL" REUNION EPISODE.

Otherwise known as the "get drunk to Petstarr's drinking game for watching a a bunch of boring flashback clips while a bunch of women you've totally forgotten about act awkward in gowns that are way too short for them to sit down comfortably in" episode.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Back in the 1990s when one-shouldered lycra tops and tiny plaits were cool and it was still kind of embarrassing to own a mobile phone (you know, the era they write about on Buzzfeed three times a day) there were regular events known as "traffic light parties".

These were club nights where everyone wore either red, green or orange to signify their relationship status - taken, single or taken but still looking around (ie: a slut).

Despite the majority of people wanting to attend these parties being forced to wear green, they were quite popular. Of course you have to remember this was back in the day before you could just Snapchat someone on Facebook and download their Twitter and find out who they were shagging via LinkedIn, so I suppose they did serve a useful purpose.

Anyway everything old is new again and so this week our Daters are getting their '90s on and heading to a traffic light party which, ironically, will end up being something of a car crash.

Everyone is expecting Anna to wear green, not least because the last time we saw her she was shagging Gumby.

A reminder.

Little do they know Anna is yet to reveal what she reckons will be the BIGGEST SURPRISE OF THE SERIES: that she has a boyfriend, and will therefore be wearing red.

Yeah. Give it about six and a half minutes and that secret's going to look pretty damn average, I reckon. Just a guess.

"I've never been to a traffic light party before, I think it's very '90s and I was born in the '90s, so it's before my time," Courteney gushes.

Girl, please.

Meanwhile John has turned up in orange because, as he explains, he's "sort of seeing someone".

"What's his name?" asks Johnny.

"No seriously, what is it? And does he have a friend? I'M WEARING FUCKING GREEN OVER HERE."

Apparently John's in a thing with a girl from Dubai, or who works for Emirates. Or maybe she's an emir, or she likes rats. I've got no idea, it feels like about 10 episodes since John did anything of interest in this series. His new squeeze is possibly the girl he went on a date with in episode seven, but whoever it is they can't be that special, because he's wearing orange.

Not wearing orange, red, or really even green is Courteney, who has shown up in a white and mint ensemble in some sort of half-arsed effort to look kind-of-but-not-really-single.

Does this mean Courteney has found herself a bloke?

"I've KIND of been hanging out with someone," says Courteney.

"If you're seeing him, then why green and not orange?" asks John.

"It's not a him," says Courteney.

"I've been seeing a girl."

John's reaction to Courteney's new found lesbianism is pretty chill.

"And she's a fucking babe," pipes up Johnny.

At this piece of news John launches into an impromptu impression of an ADD kid on meth, because not only has he just fulfilled his lifelong ambition to know a hot lesbian, he'll also no doubt be invited around to watch them have hot lesbian sex.

John's always been a strong supporter of the LGBT community.

"How do you suddenly just wake up one day and go 'I love men, and I love penis, but I'm going to shag women'?" asks John.

"Well one night me and Johnny were really drunk..." starts Courteney.

As we already know, the best stories always start out with "me and Johnny were really drunk".

Apparently, for a drunken laugh, Courteney changed her Tinder profile to say she was looking for girls. Then a girl said hello to her, and now she's a lesbian. You know how these things go.

"Courteney catches up with this girl for a date, and next thing she's waking up at her house," gushes Johnny.

At least, I think that's what Johnny said here.

"It's not like I just woke up one day and went 'oh, maybe I'm a lesbian'," says Courteney, as she changes the lock screen of her iPhone to a picture of kd Lang.

No, obviously. She waited until the evening.

"I've never been attracted to a girl ever before, I just happened to meet this girl and she was really cool," she continues.

This is the only appropriate reaction to this statement.

Courteney may only be new to homosexuality, but thanks to the recent Cosmo illustrated liftout she is already an expert in lesbianism.

Basically, being a lesbian is just like being with a guy except it's totes more fun because you can get your nails done together and cook muffins and share lipsticks and do each other's hair! And gossip about boys! Oh no wait, you don't do that.

Courteney's idea of lesbianism.

"It's different to being with a guy, it really is so different. Like, being with a girl, she actually, like cares," says Courteney, as she scrolls through iTunes looking for the latest TATU album.

As Courteney continues it becomes unclear as to whether she is in fact in a lesbian relationship, or if she's suffered some sort of psychotic episode where she believes she's starring in an extended episode of Sex and the City.

"We have so much fun together! We go and get our nails done and go out for coffee and cocktails," she gushes, in exactly the way a lesbian wouldn't.

"Like, what guy wants to go out for cocktails?"

Guys who say things like this.

Oh look, here's Anna!

Hey good luck with telling everybody your secret, by the way!

"Do you remember ages ago when I said I went on a date with someone? Well, now we're exclusive!" says Anna, as everyone pretends to care.

"You reckon that's a bombshell - wait until you hear THIS bombshell!" yells John, who clearly doesn't care about being polite.

"Thanks for upstaging me, bitch."

Anyway, back to Courteney The Lesbian who feels so much closer to Johnny now that she is officially part of His Community.

"Do you have any rainbow fabric?" she asks him, already planning her outfit for the Adelaide Pride parade.

"Back off bitch, I'm the only gay in this village."

"We have been out in a club and kissed in a bar and the attention we get is actually ridiculous," complains Courteney as she clicks the "buy now" button on a pair of dungarees on Ebay.

"Like, we were out the other night and we were kissing in a bar and some guys were being absolute wankers like, getting like, turned on and stuff and I like, lost it. I went up to them and like, spilled their drinks over them. Like, I was so angry. I was like 'you are so insensitive and rude'."

She might be a new lesbian, but she's got the outrage down pat.

"It makes me go, like, 'fuck'," Courteney says, kicking off what proves to be an epic speech about equality worthy of any Miss Universe pageant.

"Like, the world is so unaccepting of people and I know that being in the gay world is hard but now experiencing what it's actually like for someone to be gay, it's like, really rough!"

*On a slightly serious note: I'm a pretty firm believer that gender and sexuality is not a binary construct, and is a living, fluid thing. So a sincere good luck to Courteney and her new adventure. And here's hoping Johnny tries heterosexuality in episode 21 just to even things out.

Anyway we're back there again for part two of Soldier Richard's "dating bootcamp", which teaches blokes how to use military tactics and strategies to bag chicks. No weaponry is involved. (Well, it hasn't been so far, but we can't rule out tanks making an appearance in this episode.)

"Today we're going to talk about the oooodeellooooo," says Soldier Richard, pointing at a whiteboard with squiggles on it.

I rewound this bit and watched it about seven times but still have no idea what he said, so I Googled the vague sounds he made and came up with this:

Well, being toilet trained is definitely a good start to impressing a girl.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Yes, yes, I know this recap is a week late. That's how long it's taken me to get over the fact that Laurina got booted inepisode 15. All I've been doing for the past six days is rocking back in forth in the corner of my room with the lights off crying to Wendy Matthews' "The Day You Went Away".

A bit like this, but even more dramatic.

Anyway there's no point moping anymore - Laurina wouldn't want it that way. Actually yes she would, but screw her, she deserted us.

We kick things off in the Shag Mansion sunroom, where the women are putting the finishing touches on the Laurina effigy they made out of an old broom and some milk bottle tops.

They put a dirty street pie on top as a ritual offering, and just as they're about to set it on fire in a pseudo Viking funeral sort of way, Osher turns up to explain to them why he doesn't have any envelopes.

"This time Blake would like to invite ALL of you on a romantic getaway," he says, as if that's remarkably different from every other week.

I mean... it's just a group date, right? Like the group dates that happen every week? Is it like that, Osher?

Oh wait on, maybe this getaway is going to be somewhere super exotic that will actually make it different and exciting.

"It's in the Blue Mountains!" says Osher.

Nope. Guess not.

Not that you'd know from the girls' reaction.

"I may be falling in love with more than one woman, and that's what I'm here in the Blue Mountains to sort out," says Blake, who is Blue Mountainsing in the Blue Mountains.

"Who do I truly want to spend the rest of my life with?"

The next shot we see is this, so I guess he's decided:

Well, that'll save us all some time.

Blake reminds us that at the end of this Blue Mountains trip one of the women won't be going on any further, which is sort of an ominous thing to say when standing on the edge of a cliff.

Of course the decision is entirely up to the producersBlake, although this week's sponsors - the Woolen Scarf Advisory Council of Australia - are strongly gunning for Louise and/or Lisa to be sent home.

Somebody didn't get the scarf memo.

"You all took A LEAP coming on this show," guffaws Osher, as if what he's about to say next is going to be some sort of incredibly witty play on words.

"And you're about to take another one - RIGHT OFF THE EDGE OF THIS MOUNTAIN!"

Well, that should cut down the selection process considerably. Good show!

But then he gets out harnesses and ropes etc and I realise he meant abseiling. Oh. Well. That's fun too, I guess.

"This is the final group date and I'm hoping the girls can truly let their guards down," says Blake.

Yeah. Hanging off a 100m cliff by a rope isn't really the ideal place to chillax, Blake, but thanks for the suggestion.

No one falls off a rope or has a breakdown or tumbles over the cliff to their violent death, so all in all it's pretty dull. But Louise does show her lacy undies, which impresses Blake enough to ask her to hang out with him for the rest of the afternoon.

He takes her away to yet another clifftop where the producers have spent the remaining $7.50 in the budget on two cushions and a laundry hamper.

"What's that smell?"

"Er, I don't think they emptied the hamper."

They sit down and start getting boozed on Fruity Lexia which one of the producers has run through a Sodastream, and Blake starts on one of his famous romantic speeches that sounds like an office manager chairing a staff meeting about the company's new filing system.

"I wanted to bring you out here first and foremost because I missed you and I think this sets it up quite well, it's serene, it's peaceful and yet it's exciting at the same time which are pretty much all the same feelings that I have whenever I'm around you," he says.

"Just smile and nod, he'll pour more booze eventually."

Would it be too much to ask for someone to have a normal conversation on this show for once? About, I dunno... music? Or movies? Or TV shows? You know "What's your favourite book?" is a good conversation starter. Or how about "So, tell me about your job"?

Blake's always going on about wanting the women to "open up" to him. You know what? ASKING PEOPLE ABOUT THEMSELVES IS A REALLY GOOD WAY TO GET THEM TO OPEN UP.

"When I'm with you nothing else exists, and no one else comes into my mind," gushes Louise, as if that's surprising for someone who has spent the last 16 weeks living in a Barbie castle separated from reality.

Then they pash for AGES and he even lifts her up with her legs wrapped around his waist, which is worth at least double the vomit:

Blergh.

Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines, the ghost of Laurina wailing "DIIIIRTY STREEEET PIIIIE"... and it's the next day, where Blake is thoughtfully taking credit for having prepared everyone a "big country breakfast".

"A big what?"

After everyone eats their allocated three and a half raspberries (the chocolate croissants on display are plastic), Blake asks Zoe to go for a walk in the woods.

"I'm drawn to a woman who isn't afraid to open her heart," says Blake, revealing his predilection for zombies once again.

He likes girls who open their heart right up AND THEN EAT IT.

They sit down in what looks like a hikers' rest stop the producers have draped in horse blankets and old hurricane lamps, and Blake adds to the romantic mood by booming some sweet nothings at Zoe in that bizarre voice of his.

It sounds a bit like this.

"So, how is it with me and the other girls and coping in that environment?" Blake coos, which you have to admit is really swoonworthy stuff.

Zoe immediately falls asleep.

"Don't fall asleep - I haven't shown you all the hurricane lamps yet!"

Blake takes her to the edge of a billabong and pushes her in makes a wish by throwing in a pebble.

"My wish is to find true love," he says. "What's yours?"

"My wish was to throw you in the pond instead of this pebble. It didn't come true."

Moving on with absolutely no ceremony to Blake's date with Lisa, which is taking place at a horse ranch.

"You giggle at the end of all your sentences and I can't always tell if you're being 100 per cent serious," he tells her.

"I'm not serious right now - no, only joking, HA HA HA," says Lisa.

In the next shot, Blake's brain exploded.

Anyway it seems strapping Lisa to a horse and forcing her to gallop is the best way to get her to "open up", particularly if she falls off and cracks her head, making her literally "open" and therefore the perfect woman in Blake's eyes.

They ride. No one injures themselves. Lisa laughs awkwardly, and we all move on to the next date with Jess in day spa decked out with roses, fluffy towels and champagne.

So just to recap: Louise got to sit on a cushion on the edge of a cliff, Lisa got to ride a horse and lie on the lawn, Zoe got to drink tea from a thermos while counting hurricane lamps, and Jess gets a massage with champagne and roses. Yep, sounds fair.

Jess greets Blake in the usual way: by acting like she's five years old.

It's official. I finally want to slap Jess.

"I need to know: are we actually falling for each other? Or are we just caught up in our own romance novel?" Blake ponders, as though he just thought of this dead clever line and didn't read it off a producer's clipboard 30 seconds ago.

Oh also, I think they pashed.

The meaning of life: herpes.

"It's probably a little late to ask, but are you a massage person?" Jess asks Blake, as they're both being massaged.

WHILE HOLDING HANDS.

(Ew).

"I prefer to give them, haw haw haw," says Blake.

"That works for me, hee hee hee," says Jess.

You know, it's exactly this kind of sparkling dialogue that make Jess and Blake such a winsome couple.

The massage finished, they head to the jacuzzi for another session of slow blinking and smiling.

I think we can safely assume Blake is trying to inflict Sam with diabetes so he can look after her, Misery-style.

To be honest it would have been better for everyone if the two of them just stuffed their faces with profiteroles instead of what they actually do, which is stare at each other and ask questions starting with "how do you feel about..."

Blake asks Sam what it would take for her to feel comfortable with totally OPENING UP to him.

"Um, maybe sending four other girls home?" she says, taking the words out of my mouth.

OK Sam. I admit it. I like you. Well, better than Jess anyway.

After an entire episode of people staring at each other and talking utter crap, it's time for the cocktail party - ie: 15 minutes of people staring at each other and talking utter crap while holding champagne.

Except in an effort to prove just how boring he is Blake has cancelled it, opting instead to mooch around the garden at the Shag Mansion while each of the five women sits on their own looking pensive.

So that's fun to watch.

Best to move on to ROSE CEREMONY TIME! And this week's RC is even more important than usual, because the four women left clutching a longstem at the end of the night will get to take Blake home to meet their parents and explain how they want to marry someone they met on a TV show and have known for approximately six hours total.

"I HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU," says the Blakebot 3000.

"INK CARTRIDGE EMPTY REPLACE TONER ERROR 5331."

Louise gets a rose, Sam gets a rose, Jess gets a rose. Everyone faints from total lack of surprise.

There's only one rose, but two women - Lisa the only vaguely normal one and the sole person from this show I'd ever want to have a beer with even if she does sound perpetually like a plumber on smoko, and Zoe the one who I only recognised for the first 10 episodes because she looked like that country singer who got kicked off and who had something to do with Polynesia or Vanuatu but has basically been pretty boring this whole series.

"Stop smiling, you berk, you're about to go home."

Lisa's right - Blake gives her the final rose and sends Zoe packing, probably because he recognises it's way more useful to have a plumber around the house than a pharmacist from a tropical island.

So there we have it, our final four - Lisa, Jess, Sam and Louise.What will happen when they take Blake home to their families? Who cares? Not me - episode 17 is the tell-all reunion special in which Anita returns to wreak her revenge and Laurina blurts out "I CAN EAT A PIE!". Anything that happens after that is irrelevant.

Join me again soon for that one, or go back in time and READ EPISODE 15 again.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

When I started watching this episode I was still coming out of my MEGA GIF RECAP induced coma of yesterday and feeling a little woozy. I must have slept through all the boring stuff (OK, the REALLY boring stuff) at the beginning because the first thing I heard was Louise saying "it's really hard and weird".

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Sooo... you may have noticed I haven't done a Bachelor recap in a while. The real (boring) reason is that I got swamped with actual real grown-up people work that pays me money and I didn't have the time. But let's go with the pretend reason instead, which is much more interesting:

I WAS KIDNAPPED BY ROBO-ALIENS FROM LAURINA'S MOTHERSHIP AND HELD CAPTIVE UNTIL I PROMISED TO HELP THEM RID THE UNIVERSE OF DIRTY STREET PIES.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

"OK everyone, places please! Right, now when we say 'action', just start talking among yourselves in a totally natural way even though you're all sitting in a weird tableau. Make sure you deliver the lines we gave you like 'maybe it's another double date' and 'maybe Amber is going on a double date', and give us big smiles and lots of giggling, and make sure you show off your Country Road separates. OK got it? ACTION!"

Friday, September 05, 2014

We begin on the beach, where Burgo and John have decided to meet on what looks to be the coldest day of the year for a good old chinwag about where the last eight weeks of dating have gotten them. Namely: nowhere.

Monday, September 01, 2014

Episode 10 begins in the depths of teenage angst once again, with more pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth over the topic of Jess kissing Blake, even though it wasn't even interesting the first time round.

Mary throws a spitball at her while Amber starts circulating a rumour that Jess smells, and Laurina's so upset she starts a "No Jesses" club and bans her from playing hopscotch in the quadrangle.

But just as they're about to pelt her with tampons in the gym showers they're interrupted by Osher Gunsberg, who has clearly misheard the "high school" theme as "high hair".

We begin episode nine in the garden of the Shag Mansion, where the women are engaging in one of their favourite weekly activities: forming awkward live action re-enactments of The Last Supper.

"It's not fair that one of the new girls gets to be Jesus!"

"It's OK, she'll get crucified later."

Just as they're beginning to debate the significance of Illuminati symbolism in the Da Vinci canon a furball coughed up by next door's cat floats into the garden and... oh, wait. It's just Osher Gunsberg.