Closure

2008 newly sober, one of my last times in SBS, CO, and at my old house.

I think to some degree all humans all seek closure. The 12 steps help me face my past, accept it, and move forward. Most of the time that works just as it’s supposed to. In this particular situation, I feel I need more. I think what I’m craving is, “closure.”

I had my very long drawn out bottom in Steamboat Springs, CO. I moved there to escape Jackson Hole and all my addictions issues. I learned that, “wherever we go, there we are.”
I had some close friends there who had a son that meant the world to me. I have known him since he was 11 days old. I haven’t done more than drive through that town in over 9 years. I’ve avoided it like the plague. But I’ve remained deeply connected to my friends and their son. Next weekend he will be graduating high school…and I was invited…Tears.
After great discussion with my husband it has been decided… I must go to Steamboat Springs, and I need to go alone. I plan to stay with my pretend parents, whom I made amends to years ago. They support my recovery and love me as their own. I’ve set up a ‘fishing date’ with my old roommate, whom I also made amends with. He saved my life more than once in my active addiction. He is an angel and like family.
I’ve looked up meeting times and locations and have plans to hit at least 2 meetings while I’m there. Seeing this child, who was one of my first ‘kid loves’, graduate will be extremely emotional and bittersweet for me. Where did the time go?! I couldn’t be more grateful for the relationship he and I shared in his younger years. After all this time away, his awareness of my addiction and recovery, he still loves me and calls me, “Aunt Clairey.”
I need this. I didn’t even know how much I needed it until realizing I hadn’t been back since I left to head home to SC and check myself into Pavillon. I have a few very close friends in Steamboat that fully support my sobriety. My ghosts, tough memories, and well basically fears have kept me away. I am ready. I have a plan in place. I have the support and the accountability I require to face these fears.
I am looking forward to seeing a place that is so beautiful and enjoying it for just that. I intend to make new and healthy memories. I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Hopefully I will get the closure I crave. What that looks like exactly is up to my higher power. I am willing. Today, I chose to face everything and recover!

Comments

Well said (and written) my friend. I applauded your courage and willingness to “re-write” the past. There is so much we can learn from visiting our history. The most valuable lesson I have ever learned from doing this is that it had to happen, that it’s not a bad thing to have happened, and that, as the good, big book says, my experience can benefit others. Drive fast and take chances!!

Thank you! Was in and out of service today so I’m glad I get to read your words of wisdom. I’m safe in SBS and went to a meeting! The nugget I received was “self forgiveness” . Mind blown. Duh. Love you!