Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I've noticed time moving faster for the last 5 or so years....but nobody told me that it would move at absolute warp-speed when you have a baby. WOW.

Honestly, having a child is full of a lot of things that you weren't prepared for (and there really isn't a way to prepare!) One of which, I want to address today....

I went bikini shopping yesterday.I didn't plan to - I had a doctor's appointment in the big city that morning, so I decided to make a "Mommy Day" of it. I got my nails done and went shopping. First stop was, of course, the shimmering pot of gold that is Target.

In case you haven't been in a Target lately, the bathing suits are out. FRONT AND CENTER, as soon as you walk through the doors.

"Well, I'll just see if anything strikes my fancy."

And something did - a super cute red bikini, and the bottom had navy polka dots! Cute, sassy, love it.

I was realistic. I snatched up a XL top for my bosoms and hesitated with the M, so went for a L for the bottom. Off to the dressing room I went!

My thoughts as I put the suit on:"Ugh, I need some color. Everything looks better with a little sun."

"Lemme do the ol' lift and tuck on these puppies (boobs). There. Hmm, can I wear this now that I'm a mom? Too much cleave?"

"Ok, there we go."

When I was all strapped in and faced the mirror front-on, that's where things got squirrelly.

"Why does my upper body have to be so damn fluffy?""I wish my boobs were a little smaller; they make me look big.""Ugh, my f**king waist is SO WIDE. When did it become so wide?!?""Stand bo-legged, thigh gap!""My stretchmarks on my inner thighs are getting darker. What the actual f**k?""I really need to do leg day twice a week; my entire lower body is FOR SH*T!"

I bought the bikini. Checking out I calculated how long I had until Memorial Day weekend. Obviously, I workout 6-7 days a week and I try to eat healthfully 80% of the time, and while I really try hard not to fat shame myself or anyone else, that's essentially what I had just done.

Healthy living fail.

Being the self-aware trained therapist I am, driving home, I tried to do some damage control. I focused on the fact that it was only 7 months since I gave birth..

That helped, but here's what made it click for me...old mind, meet new body:

This lower body helped me to carry a baby to 40 weeks, 5 days and continue working out up until the day I gave birth. Hell, I was doing laps on the stairs with Tim and my doula after my water broke.

This waist and its widened-self is a reminder of what my sweet baby boy once called his home. It's where I kept him safe for 10 months while he grew.

The fluffiness is that layer of fat I have over strong muscles. These muscles are what gave me the strength to naturally deliver Everett. I'll never forget how it felt to reach down and use those "fluffy arms" to pull that boy onto my "big boobs".

My entire life has permanently changed since the moment I became a mother, and maybe parts of my body have too. And that's okay.

Will I still continue leading a healthy lifestyle? Yes. Will I continue to make goals for myself and my body? Yes. Will I do a better job of practicing self-love and recognizing my body's achievements? Yes.