Yesterday was an ADHD day for me. I got NOTHING done. Well, except Pilates. And Physical Therapy. And lunch with Melissa. Who went and got herself knocked up. Not at lunch. And not by me. By someone else. A few months ago. I assume it was her husband, but she really hasn’t said. And it’s not something I would ever ask someone, since, you know, I have such decorum and shit. So I just use my blog to insinuate these things. Cuz that’s how I roll. And if you’re my friend then you totally expect it. But I’m all cranky with Melissa because we had plans to go to the Roller Derby and the drag bar and now she’s with child and she can’t do fun things. And she doesn’t seem to want me to go to the Roller Derby without her, but I said hey…I’m not the one who got herself all knocked up. I know all about birth control. Not. My. Problem.

I didn’t mean to write about all that. It was not pre-meditated, Melissa. And I suppose I could go back and change her name to protect her identity, but (a) I’m too lazy, and (b) she has pregnancy brain and will forget this ever happened. But she also has pregnancy hormones so before she forgets about it she will probably cry. Good luck with that episode, Melissa’s husband.

Anyway, I am writing to tell you guys that I will continue my Mexico stuff next week. I’ve had trouble concentrating this week. I’ve still got Mexico brain. But I had 15 minutes to kill so I thought I’d write something. Even if it is lame. It so is.

My friend Cathy and I went on a walk this morning and I thought for sure that I saw a a monkey crossing the street at me. I would not be surprised at all if that a-hole followed me home from Mexico (more on him next week), and so I was frightened for a minute. Then I realized (actually, Cathy realized. Cuz I was too scared to deduce) that it was a squirrel with a monkey tail. Totally weird. And totally Mother Nature effing with me. So I decided he was cute and I here squirrely here squirrely’d him and he came to me. And he got on my shoe and looked at me and made little monkey-tailed squirrel noises. Then he went to climb a tree. And I followed him. And I tried capture him before he got too high. And Cathy was saying “You are NOT taking a squirrel home!” Like she’s the boss of me. And she seemed frightened yet impressed with my animal prowess. And I told her that I’m exactly like Snow White. Except more whorey. And I don’t have a bunch of midget slaves. Which sucks for me. Then she said her stomach hurt. I think it was from laughing at me but she may have been periody. I didn’t ask. (Decorum)

So I called The Hub to tell him about the squirrel and how I can talk to animals like that dog whisperer talks to dogs. Which I can also do. Ask Anne. One time, when her dog was digging holes in the yard I talked to him for her. He still dug the holes. But that’s because he’s an a-hole and not because he didn’t hear me and totally get what I was saying. But anyway, I called Steve and he said what was wrong with me? Did I want to get rabies? And I said that the squirrel-monkey looked very young and not at all rabied and was too young to have them yet. And he said they get them from their mom’s when they’re born. Like he’s a squirrel-monkey expert or something. Like he knows anything about rodent/primates. And I said what…do they get them from the vaginal canal like a herpes baby? And is it really fair to assume this particular squirrel-monkey’s mom was the rodent/primate equivalent of a herpes whore? No. No it’s not. And I’m thinking that if this squirrel-monkey was born by c-section then he’s totally rabies free. Which is possible. Cuz you guys, we don’t know what’s going on their world. Think about it.

Ok…so while I was writing that paragraph, The Boy came home and asked for a snack. So I went into the kitchen and HOLY CRAP BALLS there was a freakin’ Tarantula in my kitchen. I am not kidding. I have not seen a spider that big in years. The last time was at our old house when I was home alone and this alien spider got in and I put an upside down tupperware bowl over it and stacked about a hundred books on top. Then sat on the kitchen island and stared at it. For about an hour. Until The Hub got home. That’s normal, right? I’m not gonna go killing anything that big because it’s like squishing a mouse. It’s just gross. So anyway, there was one of these d-bags in my kitchen just standing there like he owns it, and I admittedly lost my shit. And thank god The Boy was here because he came running, and I pointed at it like a catatonic freak, and he said “Don’t worry. I got this loaded.” And he grabbed a shoe and took care of it. But it took 3 hits. Because it was enormous. And while screaming, I scooped it into a dustpan and dumped it in the toilet. And here is a picture of it:

This is the spider in my toilet. Which is only clean because my housekeeper was just here. And he’s squished and shriveled. So remember that he was much bigger before The Boy went into attack mode. And I’ve added some pictures to help you get some perspective and see just how big he was pre-attack/death. These are all quite accurate. Trust me on this.

I gave birth to a terminator. So I pretty much rock. But I think that being a Snow White animal magnet sucks if it’s gonna go magnetizing big ass spiders to my vicinity.

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