Awhile back a reader asked the following question of the SBM staff via email (By the way, contact us here if you want to send your own inquiries).

I’ve read that for men long and lengthy, extended foreplay is not very important and necessary for most men. They like to “get right down to it.” For women foreplay is very important and most times necessary for them to reach the ultimate orgasm.

In terms of length of time, I’ve read that ideally most women want up to 30 minutes of foreplay; whereas most men only want 10 minutes or less.

What’s your take on this subject? How much foreplay do men ideally want? How do you handle a woman who requires lots of foreplay?

I’m not saying women are more complicated but…

How much foreplay do men ideally want?

You’re right, foreplay isn’t that important to most men, but that doesn’t mean it’s unimportant. You suggested that “ideally most women want up to 30 minutes of foreplay; whereas most men only want 10 minutes or less.” I can’t speak for women, but I’d say this is pretty accurate for men. However, some women take this to mean that since men need so little foreplay they must not want or need any foreplay. THIS IS FALSE. Like some men I’m sure, some women’s especially pretty women idea of foreplay is laying in the bed saying “do me.” In most cases, that’s better than nothing, but it’s not near as sexy as most women believe, especially if that’s the full extent of your seduction skills. Like all things, submissiveness is nice in moderation, but throwing yourself on the bed waiting for a man to be aroused by the privilege of being in your presence is, well, lame and it will get boring sooner rather than later.

The primary difference between men and women is that men always usually need a shorter time to get ready than most women. It helps if both partners are into the same foreplay-related activities, but this is not always the case. Like always when it comes to relationships, this is why communication is important. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean your partner enjoys it as much or even at all. Conversely, you shouldn’t – within reason – completely avoid an activity you know your partner loves simply because you dislike (or hate) it. If you are, you should at least communicate why you won’t do the activity or why you won’t do it very frequently.There’s a word for avoiding everything you dislike, while expecting your partner to do everything you do like, “selfish.”

Some believe, “if you don’t, someone else will,” but within the confines of a committed relationship this saying doesn’t make much sense. What does make sense is that if you aren’t satisfying your partner’s needs, then they will be dissatisfied. How they go about alleviating that dissatisfaction is up to them.

How do you handle a woman who requires lots of foreplay?

It’s complicated.

The politically correct answer is to say, “as a man, I will do any and everything in my power to please a woman, even if that requires 30-minutes or 30-days worth of foreplay!” but that’s simply not true. In reality, most women simply underestimate their man’s (actual boyfriend or husband, not some random guy you’re sleeping with) desire to legitimately want to please them. Frankly, most women either don’t know, won’t, or can’t communicate what they actually want – in foreplay, sex, and beyond. As a result, most men have to guess, usually incorrectly, what makes their woman happy. These men also assume, sometimes incorrectly, that a woman’s silence equates to happiness. Therefore, you have a number of unsatisfied women who think it’s all the man’s fault that she’s unsatisfied. Maybe it is or maybe it isn’t but I’ve personally rarely successfully completed a task if I didn’t under the instructions, goals, or objectives.

In fairness, even if a man knows everything that pleases a woman, he’s not going to do it every time, because as we discussed earlier, all most men don’t need as much foreplay as a woman anyway; however, there will be times (more times than women think) when if a man knows what pleases you, he will be perfectly and happily willing to do those things. Know why? Because all most men want their woman to be happy, and they want to be the source of her happiness. Further, most men already know that if the woman in his life isn’t happy, AINT NOBODY GONNA BE HAPPY!

Ultimately, if all it takes is a little more foreplay than he wants or needs to make the experience pleasurable for both of them, then most men will do so, especially if he’s in a relationship where the woman – as we discussed earlier – is giving him those 10-minutes of foreplay he needs; then of course he’ll be willing to give her those additional 20-minutes of foreplay she needs; that is if what she likes or doesn’t like has been clearly communicated to him either during or before the process. In other words, a close mouth doesn’t get fed and unambiguous expectations don’t get met.

Lastly, most (smart) married/committed men know that “foreplay” isn’t limited to the 10- to 30-minutes right before sex. As a man, if you want to lessen the bedroom foreplay window you should work on seducing the woman you like/love all day long by doing things she either: 1) likes; or 2) makes her life easier. Bonus points if you can find a way to do something she likes that also makes her life easier or makes her feel good (physically or emotionally) without her asking – admittedly, meeting your woman’s needs without her asking or telling you more than once is definitely Jedi level foreplay; thereby taking most men an entire lifetime of trial and error to master.

Because men are quicker to get ready, it’s important they pay attention or remain receptive to the “all day foreplay” needs of their significant other, which will improve their “bedroom foreplay” later. Although it might not seem like a big deal to you, polishing those dishes for her just because might get your [Richard] polished that night…just because. Still, despite being the alleged superior communicator of the sexes, women only like communicating about things they want to communicate about. They practically become mutes when it comes to communicating about topics where they aren’t completely comfortable or they think, usually incorrectly, that a man “should just know.” That’s why if a woman wants her man to make her happy, then she needs to take it upon herself to actually communicate – crazy idea following ladies – with him about what makes you happy (in and out of the bedroom).This way you’ve at least given your man a fair chance to meet your needs/wants and given the chance, most men will at least try. Happiness beyond the bedroom promotes happiness in the bedroom. In the end, good foreplay is not done in 10-minutes or 30-minutes. Real foreplay is an all day process.

1) Fellas, do men need foreplay? Have you ever been with a woman who didn’t do enough foreplay?

2) Ladies, since you generally need more and longer foreplay than men, can men do anything to shorten your foreplay needs? Is it always simply about spending more time right before sex or are there other areas men need to improve? Do you honestly communicate these needs or are you one of those “if he Loves me, he should just know” types? If yes, follow-up question: WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR WOMEN TO JUST SAY WHAT THEY WANT?!?

WisdomIsMiseryWisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his formal training as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.

miamixxxxtapes

I always say what I want because I don't believe in having an intimate relationship that is stagnant.I even offer feedback and critique after certain sessions and open communication lines so that I can accept critique as well.The feedback is usually hilarious, but just because something worked for (insert past female here) doesn't mean it works for me.Luckily what I consider foreplay for me is foreplay for my man.

*Yoles*

WRT foreplay being seen as more necessary for women, it is important to know that vaginas change in size during sexual excitement due to the process called “vaginal tenting”. Vaginas start out at about 3-4 inches in length (during an unaroused state).
During sexual excitement, muscular tension pulls the uterus upward, which has the effect of making the vagina both longer and wider. Now, instead of being 3-4 inches in length, a vagina may reach approximately 5-6 inches in length – big enough to more comfortably accommodate penetration with a man’s penis, a sex toy or a partner’s fingers. Vaginal resting state and tented vagina have totally two different responses to penetration. This greatly affects pleasure and orgasm.

Now to answer the question.
I think in general if a woman has been aroused mentally, way before the act that yes in those times less foreplay is needed. But then again that can only happen for pre-planned relations. For a cold start, i say openly communicate at the time, unfortunately many women don't even know what they actually like, they just know what they think they are supposed to like. Be more exploratory and talk it through, touch, tease, give eye contact, ask for response, demand answers and most importantly during this phase PAY ATTENTION. A woman can say anything but her body will not lie to you, look for biologic signs of arousal, typically a flushing of the skin, slight raise in body temperature, dilating of the pupils, hardening of the nipples, increased vaginal lubrication, erection of the clitoris, sometimes shortness of breath and loss of concentration. Follow the things that had the best physical response and by doing that you are both learning what she likes and she is also learning to communicate it with you.

I cannot speak for other women but i make my wants/needs/fantasies known. I am open to trying new things and stating clearly whether i am for it or that was a one and done. it seems strange to me that although you allow a person to literally enter your body, one would be afraid to say what you like. this isn't normandy this is a friendly invasion, we have to go about it the way in which both sides win! you wanna be inside me, you gon learn what i want and need and i expect the same from my partner, don't leave thinking i'm wack beats just cuz you couldn't tell me what you really like, then thats YOUR fault not mine

In closing: Foreplay is good for your sex, good for your relationship(s), and good for you. Go have fun!

Smilez_920

Men usually get ” better acquainted ” with themselves at an earlier age than women. So for the women who don’t just ” say what they want” most of the time their not saying it because they don’t know what actually works , and their probably hoping you have a better idea of what does .

The other group has some idea of what will make then ” come” but are afraid u might judge then or go ” where u get that from” so they keep their dirty foreplay secrets to themselves.

1Wanderlustress

I'm good with 15 minutes of physical foreplay, but I agree that the dude better be seducing me "in his own little way" throughout the day ( like freaky texts, etc).

I had a dude who like clockwork at 6am just go straight to my box and always was upset when I slapped him away from me. Then I told him that i want to be seduced quietly and have it gain momentum over a bit of time…he didn't listen and needless to say, I launched him into the stratosphere.

Typically i get off on her pleasure but other times i wanna be difficult. I want foreplay. It builds anticipation, makes one feel desired. If the premise is a man is aroused by any attractive woman tossing him a Chris Paul lob, then what’s gonna make you special. Seduce me, and I don’t mean just taking the L and not Mutumbo blocking my roaming hand. I think the line is especially drawn in relationships, a woman who never seen in her vickies can get away with less foreplay over a girlfriend I done seen in everything but a wedding dress.

Foreplay comes down to what will work for a woamn/man and what won't, in terms of getting ready for sexy time. The communication aspect of it is ssssooooo friggin' important. If he doesn't know what is going to get the proverbial "juices' flowing, then ideally, he shouldn't be held accountable for when said juices aren't flowing. Also, like Smilez_920 said, knowing how one's body responds to different stimuli is helpful.

I can't recall how many times a woman, who hadn't gottten acquainted with herself, couldn't explain to me what she did and didn't like. It's stressful for a man to run into that. We (generally) like discovering things that turn women on that a woman may not have known about herself. But to have no idea what works and doesn't for her? Nah, no good. Which leads into do guys really want to deal with virgin, but that's a topic for another day.
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CNico

As a woman, I don't understand that logic, maybe because I've been a "self-server" for quite some time and definitely know what I like and what gets me "there"… and I'm a virgin (*gasps*). I have quite a few female friends (both experienced and virgins like myself – yes we do exist) who think like that, and to me it seems sort of backwards. I much rather understand how I like to be touched, how to position myself and how I get myself there (too much?) so that I can direct my guy rather than lay down, cross my fingers and hope for a happy ending (then proceed to talk about how his sex was whack *side eye*). But as soon as I start talking that get-to-know-your-body "craziness" someone always chimes in with a "but I feel like that's what the guy is supposed to do/teach me". whatever lol. I'm just going to assume that it's because we're still in our early 20's and my female friends don't feel comfortable enough with themselves yet. oh, well.

Smilez_920

Learning yourself is a process for most, I think when the big O does'nt happen on the first try of "self love" a lot of women give up and just figure they need a guy to make the c*m.

Lovely Black Lady

As a confident woman comfortable about her body, I have no problems saying what I need or want in the bedroom. Contrary to most women, if the man is right, and he knows how to handle me, the "warm-up" time isn't long at all.

camerasure

i find older men are better with foreplay than younger men.
1. they are more patient.
2. have acquired the "taste" of a woman & ENJOY it
3. and know foreplay starts in the mind before the body and woo us accordingly.

I suggest the young men find an older guy and get schooled properly

DeKeLa

I would say for the younger men to find an older women. Hands-on experience is the best teacher.

Streetz

THIS

cynicaloptmst81

"Lastly, most (smart) married/committed men know that “foreplay” isn’t limited to the 10- to 30-minutes right before sex. As a man, if you want to lessen the bedroom foreplay window you should work on seducing the woman you like/love all day long by doing things she either: 1) likes; or 2) makes her life easier. Bonus points if you can find a way to do something she likes that also makes her life easier or makes her feel good (physically or emotionally) without her asking – admittedly, meeting your woman’s needs without her asking or telling you more than once is definitely Jedi level foreplay; thereby taking most men an entire lifetime of trial and error to master."

This paragraph should be a MANDATORY READ for ALL MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help your brothas, WIM, HELP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*waves church fan*

cynicaloptmst81

Ladies, since you generally need more and longer foreplay than men, can men do anything to shorten your foreplay needs? – See my quoted paragraph above, lol. JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it always simply about spending more time right before sex or are there other areas men need to improve? – See my quoted paragraph above, lol. JESUS!!!!!!!

Do you honestly communicate these needs or are you one of those “if he Loves me, he should just know” types? If yes, follow-up question: WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR WOMEN TO JUST SAY WHAT THEY WANT?!? – Yes…and no. I don't just give a road map, per se. But, I give positive feedback when something is done right and hint/say (hint as much as possible) what could be improved upon. The only thing I just flat out announce is what I do NOT like. Its hard because you want your man to take the time to find out what you like…like you should be doing for him.

GirlSixx

+1000

amaris79

Women are complicated, but simple. Ideally, the concept of "foreplay" for women is defined as:

"Whatever dahell needs to be done to make your woman feel like she is more than an open orifice".

That's the simple part. The complicated part is figuring out what "whatever dahell" is for YOUR woman. Universally, though, women are seduced through the ears, so telling her how you thought of her all day is a great start. Also, WIM hit the nail on the head when he said "makes her life easier". If you have been watching TV all evening and noted your woman ran around you folding laundry and making food, you're not getting any that night. And if you do, she will treat it like a chore. Stop her at some point, order her to fill up the tub and take a bath while you take care of the dishes/laundry/putting kids to bed. That way, she is out of the room while you do it so you won't get nagged on the way you got it done, and her head is clear so she can entertain the idea of sxytime. When women DON'T get either, that's usually when they complain you are not giving enough "foreplay"-because her mind is still racing from the day (women don't have the same ability to "switch" mentally that men do) it's gonna take her longer to get warmed up if you haven't noticed her all day or she's been doing household work right up until the time you want it.

Streetz

a lot of men have issues because women arent as descriptive as they need to be to achieve this satisfsaction. teamwork makes the dream work.

To say "i need to feel romantic" wont work alone. Tell them whayt you need. Dont be the "i shouldnt have to say anything" type of woman. that helps no one.

also women and men, sometimes it isnt about you, keep the other person and be selfless sometimes too.

Lola

Flirt with me and get me going along with everything else way before the dirty exercise goes down. It'll actually cut the foreplay action to 1/3 of the time because by then I'll already be ready to go and sometimes foreplay won't be needed. As far as saying what I want or need, if you're getting me ready I won't hesitate not one bit in either telling him to go faster, slower, deeper, or left or just pushing his head the right way and guide him. If a man can do that and I'm eager to learn to please I think a man will appreciate it if a woman can do the same thing

InsomniaPoet

This is so interesting to me…I swear you learn something new every single day!

amicus82

can men do anything to shorten your foreplay needs? —>Yes. I think 30 min is quite long actually. But, I think that may be b/c my guy is generally trying to touch/look at me all day long. So, maybe I get more mental foreplay long before any actual sex starts happening.

Is it always simply about spending more time right before sex or are there other areas men need to improve? —->I think mental foreplay is a big deal. ie, making her think & feel that she is desired mentally, emotionally & physically – all the time.

Do you honestly communicate these needs or are you one of those “if he Loves me, he should just know” types? —->Yes, I guess I communicate it. He pretty much does it without my asking though.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR WOMEN TO JUST SAY WHAT THEY WANT?!?—–>IMO, really good sex (overtime) is about intimacy. If you're not intimate, the first 1-6 months of sex will be great – because everything is new and exciting. After that though, if you can't talk to each other, it's going to go downhill. In short, women don't say what they want b/c they don't feel comfortable saying what. And they don't feel comfortable b/c your level of intimacy just isn't there yet – for whatever reason.
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krystllyght

I agree with you on the intimacy thing. If guys can create an intimate environment, make the girl feel very secure while also making her feel like she's Beyonce, then they're a shoe in.

krystllyght

Men can shorten the time necessary for foreplay if they just learn to use their words earlier in the day. Let her know how amazing she looks and how turned on she makes you but don't be too obvious about it. Then when it's time to show and prove, tell her how you've been waiting for this all day, that she's been driving you crazy (with whatever it is that she does but doesn't know that she's doing and how it's so hot) but don't skimp on the kisses and caresses and after just, like, five minutes she's putty in your hands. IDK why this is so hard to understand. Who the heck wants thirty minutes of foreplay anyway tho? We get bored too. Heck we could've been done with foreplay and the main event by then.

FIrst of all, that post picture is hilarious.
Secondly, of course men require foreplay. As you stated, perhaps not as an extensive a foreplay session as some women, but foreplay nonetheless.

A woman is still very much responsible for not only turning on her man, but maintaining his arousal as much as it is his responsibility to do the same for her.

As far as sexual communication, some women feel it necessary to carry the facade of being demure into the bedroom as well. To speak of one's wants and desires somehow gives away the 'secret' that not only do they enjoy sex, but have experienced enough sex in their lifetime to know what they like. Its absolutely rubbish, but some women adhere to this notion, and won't speak up. Others feel it is the man's responsibility to innately know how to please each and every woman he encounters despite the vast differences between each woman, her desires and her pleasure zones.

Then there are those women who are simply clueless because they haven't allowed themselves to explore themselves privately to know what they like. Therefore they cannot communicate what they do not know. How can you be too haughty to touch your own stuff? Touch it. Its yours.

I said all this to say, men enjoy foreplay too and require it. Visual foreplay is usually all it takes to get the engines going, i.e boyshorts and some heels. But physical play is essential in maintaining and encouraging it to go full throttle.
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msb616

Why do women have a hard time saying what they want? Truth for a lot of women though is that we've become accustomed to sh*tty and emotionally unavailable listeners *shrug*

Best example is going to the barber shop or hair salon. We go to the same person over and over, tell them everything that's on our mind b/c at some point they gave us exactly what we wanted–a nice fade, a perfect trim, whatever. They listened, delivered, and some trust was built. Now, let's say you wanna try a different style or if maybe they messed up just a little, you're more likely to speak up b/c you know they listen. If a man wants to get a women more comfortable to communicate, then show you are listening–show you genuinely care about her perspective.