Things you hear in the city at night: A man playing saxophone on a street corner, a security guard whistling during his rounds , cabs honking their horns, a homeless man prying the lid off a bucket behind a restaurant and another homeless man beside him saying “Gee Ace, that just looks like old deep fryer oil to me”, and Ace replying “You got it all wrong Marv, this here is pure beer, haven’t you ever heard of a beer keg before?” and then Marv saying “This ain’t no beer keg Ace, it’s a bucket full of oil. Let’s get out of here for chrissakes”, and then Ace yelling “Fine Marv, you just blew it. Go ahead and leave. I’m going to stay and drink this free beer and get drunk while you walk around like an idiot”, and then Marv saying “I told you not to call me an idiot, and I ain’t drinking no goddamn fryer grease, and if I was you, I’d back the fuck up and not get in my face about it”, and then the sound of a struggle and Ace screaming “You think I give a fuck if I die tonight? Try fucking with me, Marv, just go ahead and try it. We’ll go right to the fucking end with this one buddy”, and then the sound of the restaurant back door opening and a man yelling “Jesus, what’s going on out here?” and then the sound of Ace and Marv scampering away.

Wednesday

When salesmen come to my door, I like to trick them by inviting them in and leaving a closet door open that’s full of suitcases and pamphlets and car keys. Then I quickly run over and close the door and say “Oh that… that’s nothing… never mind that!” And then I say “Make yourself comfortable. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back Mr. Salesman”. And then I back out of the room smiling. But I’m just going to get my cheque book. Suckers.

Things you hear in the city at night: High heels clicking on pavement. Music spilling out from bars. Tipsy girls laughing on their way into a pizza parlor. A hungry alley cat meowing for food. Police sirens in the distance. An old man begging for change. That same old man whistling at a college girl. That girl’s boyfriend saying “Are you asking for a beating old man?” The old man replying “You college boys always got such smart mouths?” The college boy saying “Bring it on oldtimer”. The old man pulling out a gun and saying “Life’s a bitch and then you die”. The gun firing and people screaming. The old man flipping a coin at the lifeless body and saying “Here’s a quarter. Go downtown and learn some fucking manners.” Then the old man fires off two warning shots yelling “Aloha from Hawaii, cocksuckers."

Thursday

Why do girls laugh when guys ask them out? I’ve experienced this phenomenon like the rest of you. Perhaps it’s because they are nervous, or it’s a sort of defense mechanism against guys they find really good looking.

When rude, inconsiderate people break wind, I like to close my eyes and pretend that a mouse on a motorcycle just went by wearing goggles, a riding helmet and a leather jacket on his way to another adventure in Mouse City. When I do that, it gives me a nice pleasant feeling and I forget all about the broken wind. Except when it smells, then things get real and people get laid out.

Give a man a fish, he eats for the day. Give a man a fishing rod, and he may not eat at all, depending on the weather and a whole bunch of other things that could hurt his chances. So he’d probably rather just have the fish, thanks.

Monday

Thursday

What does it mean when you have a dream about a shirtless old man crashing through your living room window driving a police motorcycle? It means you’re not dreaming, buddy. You just lived through my Tuesday afternoon.

One of my all-time dreams is to get accidentally trapped in a supermarket overnight. Not only could you eat as many chocolate bars or little cakes that you could handle, but you could also walk up to the guy who opens the doors in the morning like everything was normal, with a bag of apples in your hand and ask “are these on sale or what?”, and just watch the guys mind blow.

What is the connection between carrots and gold? Other than having a similar colour, historians don’t seem to know, but the truth likely lies somewhere with the Aztecs and their strange, ancient ways (doesn’t everything?).

Earth. 2019. A line drawn in the sand. On one side, 100 half-starved wolverines. On the other, 250 cobra snakes. Hovering above both sides is a swarm of African Wasps mutated from nuclear radiation. Who wins? Superman, who shows up and freezes them all and then takes his time stomping them to death.

I was camping with my girlfriend but to our dismay there were no animals in the woods. None. We drove back to the city confused and found out that all the animals had taken over our civilization. A bear in a suit and tie came after me when I got out of the car. Then I woke up in my tent. It was all just a dream. I rolled over to look at my girlfriend but she had the face of a BEAR! Another dream! I woke up in the tent alone. I laughed because I didn’t really have a girlfriend after all. Somewhere in the woods, I heard a howl.

Wednesday

To accommodate all religions, we should stop saying “Thank God It’s Friday” (T.G.I.F.). Instead we could say, “It’s Friday” (I.F.) and just wink. Or maybe we could do a group dance kind of thing in the mornings at work, so that way everyone knows it’s Friday and we could stop making such a big deal out of it.

I love watching hot dog eating contests as much as the next sports fan, but one change I would make (I’m dreaming out loud here) is instead of giving them regular water, they should make them drink the water the dogs were boiled in. That way they get all the nutrients from the hot dog and no reporter can accuse the contest of being half-assed.

A baby crying, a prostitute walking in high heels, glass breaking, an old man whistling, a raccoon eating a corn cob out of a garbage can, a siren wailing in the distance, a homeless man asking for change and then that same homeless man saying “Fuck off” a few seconds later and then some other loud voices and then a scuffle and someone else yelling “Knock it off, Scottie, you’re drunk” and then the homeless man yelling “Here, try this on for size” and then more scuffling and then a girl yelling “Someone call the police!” and then a chain snapping and a canopy collapsing and the homeless man screaming “I’ll go all the way! I don’t give a sweet fuck!” Stuff like that.

At Thanksgiving, Aunt Joyce brings over her famous dish, the Turkey Floater. Everyone fights over it with their forks, hoping that this is the year they get the turkey neck. I once got the neck two years in a row. Even the dogs were drooling. But Aunt Joyce isn’t dumb. She keeps a couple necks at home for her own enjoyment. That’s the privilege of the dishmaker I guess.

We used to call her “Buck Tooth Betty”. My father said she could clean a cob of corn faster than you can say “corn cob”. Sometimes people called her “Horse Face” but we weren’t that mean. My friends and I just stuck with “Buck Tooth Betty” and she seemed to appreciate that, I think.

For those of you going to Europe, they have this thing called a “bidet”. It’s right next to the normal toilet. You can go to the bathroom in either one, apparently. They give you a choice, which I like.

Occasionally when I get the blah’s, I’ll cheer myself up by taking yesterday’s newspaper and putting it on top of the other papers in the box on the street corner. Then I wait around whistling, waiting for someone to buy it.

When they do, I go up to them and say “I’m here, just like I said I would be. Now do you believe me that time travel really works?” When they give me a strange look, I say “Look at the date on the paper”. When they are confused, I say “So this is your second chance. I saved your life once already. Don’t make the same mistake tomorrow because I won’t be there with the time machine when that knife comes out of nowhere.”

My dad used to tell me to go get a job sucking farts out of bus seats. I didn’t think such a job existed but every now and then when I’m on the bus, I sometimes stare at the bus driver and wonder, just wonder what goes on when there’s no more passengers.

Now I wouldn't say they "botched" the surgery on my ex-girlfriend. “Botched” is too strong a word. Let's just say they "ruined" her face. Botching it would mean, like, operating on the wrong person or something. At least they operated on the right face. Give them some credit.

It would be so hard to be homeless. Like, what do these guys have to look forward to after a long day at work? A cardboard box in an alley way? But they chose this lifestyle, so they have to suck it up I guess.

Not many people know this but the movie E.T. was based on a true life story. The only thing they changed was that in real life, E.T. and the kids didn’t survive that bicycle stunt they stupidly tried. They hit the ground hard and a homeless dog came and dragged E.T. into the woods. No one at NASA knows what happened to him after that but I’d be willing to bet he was probably eaten by that dog.

The Carpenters were a great band. Two guys who put down their hammers and tools and crafted some very beautiful songs. One of the guys had an excellent, almost feminine voice. It takes a lot of courage to quit your day job like that and just live out your dreams. My (hard) hat goes off to you, gentleman.

Sometimes I’ll go and visit my grandmother who lives alone in the country. To help her out, I’ll do the dishes which leaves her time to chop and pile the wood in the backyard. She accidentally cut her foot off last winter though, so it takes her longer nowadays to get the wood finished. So often I have to start preparing the supper which is a real pain.

After I told the officer to “fuck off”, he didn’t break my jaw right away. First he smiled for a few seconds and said, “Thanks Henry. This is going to be fun.” But I don’t hold a grudge. These guys are under a lot of stress. It’s not their fault I was jaywalking.

They say you can’t teach a dog dirty tricks, but you can always teach them a new one. As long as the dog is old and the trick isn’t new to you. As you can tell, there’s lots of funny rules with dogs. But that’s why we love them so much.

Sure, laugh it up with your friends while having a coffee at the office and I’ll just sit here in my cubicle getting all the work done. But when 5 o’clock rolls around and you’re busy saying bye to everyone who likes you, I’m already on the bus heading back to my apartment. You didn’t think of that, did you?

When I’m in a movie theatre and someone is talking really loudly while the movie is on, I don’t tell them to be quiet. I take my house key and sneak up behind them and put it to their neck and say, “How does it feel? You’re ruining the movie for me so I’m going to ruin your conversation.” Although sometimes it just adds fuel to the oven.

If I had a million dollars, I would invent a silent chip bag that doesn't crinkle when you put your hands in it. Then when I'm on the bus and bite down on the chips, people are surprised to hear the crunching because they thought I was eating dried fruit or something. People are fools.