Counterwill

Few things get parents more frustrated than their child refusing to obey. Telling a child to do something he doesn’t want to, such as cleaning his room, stop annoying a sibling, or putting down his phone, can quickly escalate into a power struggle. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls this resistance “counterwill”. It is the natural instinct we have against being controlled and coerced. No one likes to be pushed around. Think about being tailgated. Most of us experience automatic frustration over being “told” how to drive by the stranger in the car behind. Thankfully, most of us are also mature enough not to meltdown into “road rage”.

Counterwill serves two purposes. First, it protects children from being controlled by people with whom they are not attached. We want and need children, and adults, to be able to say “no” with force to someone with ill intentions. Neufeld reminds us that children are meant to be guided by people they are attached to - parents, relatives, teachers, etc. who have the child’s best interest at heart. Second, counterwill helps a child gradually learn who she is as person. Neufeld explains, “It first appears in the toddler to help in the task of individuating, of beginning to separate from the parent. In essence, the child erects a wall of “no’s”. Behind this wall the child can gradually learn her likes and dislikes, aversions or preferences, without being overwhelmed by the far more powerful force generated by the parent’s will.

Counterwill may be likened to the small fence one places around a young tender shoot to protect it from being eaten. The vulnerable little plant here is the child’s will. Without that protective fence it cannot survive. In adolescence counterwill serves the same goal, helping the young person loosen his psychological dependence on the family. It comes at a time when the sense of self is having to emerge out of the cocoon of the family. It is a defence mechanism to protect this fragile, threatened sense of self. By keeping out the the parent’s expectations and demands, counterwill helps to make room for the growth of the child’s own, self-generated motivations and preferences.”

Understanding counterwill does not let the child “rule the roost”. Parents are meant to be in a hierarchy guiding their child with care. Understanding counterwill helps avoid situations escalating into battles. Dr. Deborah MacNamara has some easy tips.

Connect before you direct. Keep the parent-child relationship the top priority. Before giving a command, activate your child’s attachment instincts. “What makes a child amenable to following a parent is connection. Before we direct them, we need to get into relationship by collecting them – that is, catching their eyes, getting a smile, focusing on what they are attending to – all before proceeding with our requests. If we need to talk about something that isn’t working, like homework time, then it is best to collect them first to make them open to influence.”

Minimize coercion. “Statements like, “You have to …” or “You must …” or “You need to …” all raise the counterwill instinct. Consequences are also commonly used to get a child to comply, with statements such as, “You need to do this, or else,” which only exacerbates a child’s resistance.” Shrink your directions. Instead of saying, “You need to wash your dirty hands before eating.” Just say “hands” and point to the sink. Your child will get the message.

Press pause. “If you are locked into a counterwill battle…it is often better to take a tactical retreat to prevent wounding to the relationship and to avoid using force to get a child to capitulate to your demands. It is also important to maintain an alpha position in doing so. For example, “I’m going to give you some time to think about this and I will be back to talk.””

Free to be: Create space for your child to be responsible in an age appropriate way such as getting dressed and organizing homework. MacNamara cautions, “The types of activities that you would NOT want to turn over to would include anything to do with their caretaking such as food, or who they spend time with.”

Model making amends. If you reacted poorly to your child’s counterwill, give it a bit of time and then return with an apology and an indication that you wish things would have gone better in the discussion.

Counterwill lives inside everyone as a protection against coercion and a projection of our individual choices. By working with the instinctual force of counterwill, you can sidestep the power struggles and stay connected with your child.