Four ways Barcelona can show off Luis Suarez perfectly legally

There is a tradition in UK primary schools for teachers to get their returning kiddies to write an account of “what I done did do in my summer holidays”. Basically it is an excuse for the aforementioned teachers to laze about for an extra day, while a group of barely literate seven-year-olds scrawl 100 words of nonsense.

Speaking of barely literate types, Barcelona may want to consider assigning some squad members the same exercise on their return to Camp Nou. Gerard Piqué, Leo Messi, Neymar and the incoming Luis Suárez must surely have some whopping tales to tell. They could be a blast to read. “I sucked.” “I blew the the World Cup final.” “I was smashed in the back and saw my country humiliated.” “I bit someone.” There's your general vibe.

The latter three stars will be the new dream team up front for the Catalan club, once legal issues have been sorted out for one of them, and the other two have been treated by an army of therapists after their adverse World Cup experiences. But what a line-up it could be, in terms of being a spectacular success or giant, tangly mess for Luis Enrique to unravel.

At least the new Barça boss has a few months to construct a cunning plan, as Suárez won’t be doing anything football-related for the next few months. Indeed, the former Liverpool man is not even going to be presented – one of the biggest ways a Spanish club likes to show off its goods.

“He hasn’t killed anyone and they are treating him like he is a delinquent,” complained Josep Maria Casanovas in Sport, writing about current frustrations in the culé camp. They might soon be watching a full-on, disco-light-waving glamour-fest from Santiago Bernabéu.

LLL hates to see the Barcelona entourage down in the dumps, so has come up with some ways that Suárez could be shown off to the world without receiving the wrath of Sepp Blatter’s FIFA busy-bodies:

Send the Uruguayan on an open-top bus tour of Barcelona, purely as a tourist of course, but make sure that everyone in the city knows the departure time and the route being taken. Just for transparency.

Hire a lookalike Suárez to sit in the Camp Nou press room, and repeat the answers being fed to him through an ear piece from the real Suárez, who will be at least four miles away in a lead-lined room.

Using the same technology that brought Tupac Shakur and Michael Jackson back from the dead and onto a stage, employ holograms to project Suárez onto the Camp Nou pitch, without the player himself having to set foot on the turf.

Get club president Josep Maria Bartomeu to sit with a Suárez dummy on his knee as a way for the real version to express his joy at his new club. “What’s that Luis, you’ve always wanted to sign for Barcelona? Real Madrid smell of old man’s wee? Ho ho, Luis! How true!”

You’re welcome.

Rules are there to be bent, right? If the club really wants to show off its new shiny asset, all it takes is a bit of imagination. And some lasers.