3/11/2015

Lindsey Graham Wants to "Literally" Hold Congress Hostage

The Golden Girls reject known as Senator Lindsey Graham often strains to butch up his Rue McClanahan voice. He advocates for violence constantly, rarely finding an occasion where American soldiers are not needed, in his view, to bring peace to the savages. Got a problem with ISIS? Soldiers. Afghanistan and Iraq not going just like you'd like them to? Soldiers. Shit, he's just barely holding back on saying that we should invade Russia (or at least get involved in the Ukraine).

Graham can barely walk around with that boner for the armed forces, thinking about telling rugged Marines, "Invade me. Storm my beaches. March up my halls of Montezuma to the shores of my Tripoli."

Last week, at a gathering of Republicans in Concord, New Hampshire, a state that has the first primary (not caucus) for president in 2016, Graham came up with a novel way to use the military were he commander-in-chief - and, no, it's not leather chaps added to uniforms. Said Graham, "[A]nd here is the first thing I would do if I were President of the United States: I wouldn’t let Congress leave town until we fix this. I would literally use the military to keep them in if I had to. We’re not leaving town until we restore these defense cuts. We’re not leaving town until we restore the intel cuts."

He would "literally" use the military to hold members of Congress hostage until they did what he demanded. That means that soldiers would be able to arrest or shoot Ted Cruz or Nancy Pelosi if they tried to leave the Capitol. Remember: Graham, who was an Air Force officer back in the day, was not speaking figuratively or metaphorically. If he's saying he'll use the military to force Congress to act on his whims, he's pretty much saying, "Elect me and I'll put the 'dick' in 'dictator.'" The attendees at the speech laughed, maybe a bit uncomfortably, at Graham's Mussolini moment.

Graham hasn't yet explained if he meant that he would literally lead by literally threatening to literally murder Congress.

Update: Quick hint to Sen. Graham, who said he was trying to be funny: If people aren't sure if you're joking, you're doing it wrong.