Here's a few samples of weird news of the day

Saturday

Sep 16, 2017 at 9:50 AM

Bill Hand BillHandNBSJ

It’s a slow week for off-the-wall and silly stuff in New Bern — the election is weeks away, after all — so I have visited the internet to see what I can find. It usually works; as Mark Twain wrote in ”Following the Equator,” “Truth is stranger than fiction, but because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t.”

Often I find the strangest things residing in Florida or Oregon. But this week a lot of my finds are continental.

Kristi Lyn Goss of Arkansas, for instance, could face some serious prison time, possibly handed down by her own boss since she worked as an administrative assistant to a judge.

Kristi is a Razorbacks fan and apparently truly in love with her dog, because she bought herself game tickets, diamonds, pet insurance and a tuxedo for her dog. Now, the tuxedo thing is a little odd, but none of that seems prison-worthy … until you realize she used a county government credit card to get it.

An audit, in fact, showed she had spent to the tune of $200,000 on the card.

Next is the actually-sweet story of a cash-snatching cat in Tulsa.

His name is actually Sir Whines a Lot and he lives at the GuRuStu marketing firm. At some point some unknown person discovered that, if you stuck a dollar bill through the vertical slit in the company door when the cat was wandering at night, he would jump up and snatch it out of your hands.

The people got a kick out of this and came back, stuffing more money through the door for the rescue cat to grab, and apparently they told friends, because in a few days the owners were finding small piles of money on the floor in the morning. The cat was becoming a kind of Kardashian — Katdashian? — growing famous for its ability to snatch up money and do nothing else.

Stuart McDaniel, who owns the cat and the business, eventually found out was what going on and began collecting the money and turning it over to a local homeless shelter. The store now has a sign warning, “Kitty will snatch your money if you slide it through the door,” then adding an explanation of where Sir Whine a Lot’s ill-gained fortune will go.

Now known as the Cashnip Kitty, the Oklahoma cat has been featured in news stories and has his own Facebook page. Look him up. He’s quite acrobatic.

Our final story, since I’m a journalist and a male, is of course scatological. It’s about a young lady in Bristol who got stuck upside down in a window while trying to pick up her own poop.

The story is told by her boyfriend, who was wise enough to not give her name: he had met her on Tinder and invited her to come to his apartment to watch some Scientology videos.

I will note here that, in few places other than England, can you score on a pickup line like, “Wanna learn about Scientolgoy and chill?”

The young lady took a trip to his loo but when she flushed her poo wouldn’t go down. She panicked, reached in and plucked it out, wrapped in toilet paper, and tossed it out the window.

She confessed her embarrassment to her boyfriend who, like any good Brit, thought it would be proper if they went out and picked it up to dispose of properly. They found, however, that it had not simply struck the ground but had fallen into one of those sunken basement-type windows, the kind with a narrow window well. He decided that the only thing to do was go in the basement and break the window.

Not prone to violence, nor to proper thinking, she decided the thing to do was to wedge herself into the window well and grab her little package.

She got it, but the window well got her and she was significantly stuck.

“Oh, pooh,” she probably thought.

It took firefighters 15 minutes to get her unstuck, and they said she told them the whole story as they worked.

“I think by then she had passed the point of embarrassment,” the fireman told the local paper.

Contact Bill Hand at bill.hand@newbernsj.com, 252-635-5677, and follow him at BillHandNBSJ. And look both ways before you toss.

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