My Xmas Gift To ATS... Laughter

I was expecting to be in the 5th dimension by this Xmas, so I didn't bother shopping for a gift for you guys. Sorry, my bad.

To make up for it, I wanted to take a break from all the horrors of this world & hopefully bring smiles to my ATS friend's faces if I can. Some of us
are spending Xmas alone this year, some of us have lost family & friends recently too, it's one of the hardest times of the year to get through for
many of us. Let's get through it together, doing what many of us like doing the most, laughing out loud!

If this thread takes off, that's great, if not, well at least I tried.
Sorry, not tried, I did it.... Do, or do not, there is no try.

Here's my gifts to you... hoping they bring you all smiles & laughter this holiday season....

"Must kill das Jedi!"

"Stand back girls, I got this one..."

"I'd rather be hamburgers, no really, please save me!"

"Stop resisting sir..."

I have to throw this card into play, he is a main source for the power of laughter...

Proof they're putting something dangerous in those military vaccines....

"Stop resisting sir...."

Here's some YT videos I made for just for laughs...

Alex Jones Transformation

New Upcoming FEMA Camp TV Show Intro

Gangnam Style Grandma Xmas Boogie

I don't want to make this too long so I'll stop there, but if even 1 of the above made you smile and/or laugh, then my mission was accomplished.

If anyone wants to add anything hilarious or silly, please do, go crazy.
Make us laugh out loud with pictures or videos you think are hilarious.

Hope you all enjoy your Christmas Day... and May the Force be with you all this holiday season!

NICKNAMES
� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
� When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

OK, now don't let my wife see the reply,,, or you all are in be Trouble,,

They are referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic
upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The
"drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species
mostly receives food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

AND THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY -GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY - USING THE SINK.

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A
TIMER.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT
TAPE.

Timmy writes a Christmas Letter
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
# wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little b@@astard.
Santa

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

OH Sh&T, I know I'm in trouble,,, But I just can't Stop!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

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