Should I keep my baby?

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MPL2224 wrote:

So recently about two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I’m currently 22 going on 23. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months in a couple days. Now when we found out we were both in shock. I was more on the excited side because I’ve always wanted a baby and it’s with someone I WANT to have a baby with. Now it took us a couple of days to tell our parents who were really supportive. We have dinner with both families and his parents preferred if we were NOT to have the baby and my parents were kind of just supporting what my decision would be. The father says he absolutely prefers to wait. Every time we talk about it I get depressed because I feel as though he may say he’s supportive of whatever choice I make but isn’t really on my side about it. He’s worried that I have possible Lyme that I could pass down to the baby. He’s worried he’s going to resent me because he doesn’t want the baby and just worried in general to lose me at all. I don’t want to lose him either. He had stated that when it comes down to it I’m picking the baby over him and it’s alright but he still would prefer if I picked him. Please help me mothers to be I’m desperate...

his attitude that you’d pick the baby “over” him is going to set him up for disaster. My boyfriend wanted an abortion at first but said it was ultimately my decision and now he’s on board. It was never it’s me or the baby, it was if you choose to keep it then it’s US and the baby. He has to be willing to put in effort to keep the relationship in good standing if not you’d fail either way.

well he was saying he wants to be able to spend time with the baby and not miss anything. And he doesn’t want his child to grow up with the possibility that we could break up down the road because he’s been in that position before. He wants to be able to get married first and then work on having kids

hmm it kind of sounds like a guilt trip. he's turning the situation to be all about him when really, there are two other factors in play (you and the baby). I'll be honest from personal experience, I was in the same boat 5 years ago with my daughter. I was 19, her dad didn't want me to keep it, I was going away to college and my parents were supportive but didn't think I should keep it, but I knew I couldn't get an abortion. I kept the baby, and now I have the coolest spiderman (she tells me every day at least) girl ever. her dad and I fell out, we tolerate each other, but it's because I chose being a parents and he can handly handle weekend daddy duties.

SO moral of a long story, do what you feel is right. maybe he isn't the right person for you if he's trying to pressure you. he willingly had sex with you knowing the possible outcome, so he can't guilt you now. also, I'm getting ready for work so excuse any typos! haha

He will get on board trust me, motherhood begins with the pregnancy, fatherhood is when they actually hold it. Men take time, he would love you and the baby, do not get an abortion, you will regret it because it seems you are already attached to the little bean. I wish you all the best

he’s also worried financial wise because I do have some debt on my credit card to pay off as well as he might lose his license for a speeding ticket he got awhile ago. So he’s worried he won’t be able to work or do anything for the child.

I did too.. but in my case, one parent was much healthier for my daughter. but you never know! you guys might work out too!! just don't let the situation be too manipulated by him or other family because you can do it regardless :)

I mean when it comes down to it we don’t have money for an apartment. We’re currently living in an apartment that is owned by his parents where they need to sell in the next 6 months. So we won’t have a place to stay. I have phone bills, car payments and insurance payments to make so that’s why we’re so concerned financially

well, if you also feel now isn't the best time, you don't have to keep it. and that's no ones place to judge because it's your body and your future! you have to really follow your gut, go with what your initial reaction to the situation was. there's many ways to overcome and get assistance financially, medically, and what not but you do have the choice to not struggle right now. unfortunately you don't have much time to decide but do what you feel right. trust me, I struggled HARD for a long time and still do compared to friends who can relocate, work crazy hours, and live cheap places but I the struggle made me feel more accomplished and strong. but this is just personal experience, I would never judge you for any decision you make and no one ever should because it's your life

I understand. I could never get an abortion for the same reason. and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but maybe being together, regardless of your end choice, isn't for the best. I see it from both sides, but resent isn't the foundation to any healthy relationship..

Hi! I was in a similar situation to yours many years ago. Early 20s, surprise pregnant with someone I had just started dating, but we had intense feelings for one another. We were students and had less than $10 between us when we found out. He was not pushing to not have the baby, but the option was on the table, and we wrestled with some of the same issues as you (didn’t want to lose each other, didn’t want to resent one another, scared about finances, opinions from our parents). A few things I learned:

You will never regret having a baby. You will love him or her so deeply, more than you can even imagine.

There are no guarantees that marriage before babies means you and your partner will stay together. Anything can happen 5, 10, 15 years down the line regardless. There is always the possibility of breaking up down the road. Don’t let “what if we break up” play in to your decision.

The father wants to wait, and is scared of losing you. Do you think your relationship could withstand going through an abortion? (I’m pro choice, this is simply an honest question.) Do you think you would one day have more babies with him and always wonder about this one?

Don’t let the finances worry you now. You’d be surprised at how it all comes together. Young babies need surprisingly little, and there are so many ways of making it work. Your financial situation will improve with time, age, and experience.

At the time I reminded myself: I’m not 15. I’m in my twenties. I’m a grown woman. This is my choice. I’ve got this. Don’t forget that!

A few thoughts on your situation:

The father’s attitude that he’s going to resent you because he doesn’t want the baby will change. Like the other poster said, fatherhood begins when he holds the baby. He will get on board. His potential imagined resentment should not play in to your decision.

The father’s attitude that you’re picking the baby over him is incredibly immature and needs to change, stat. That’s manipulative and unfair.

It sounds like you know in your heart what you want to do, but everyone else’s noise is sending your head spinning. I know that feeling! Follow your heart, the rest will come.

How my story ended: I shut out all the noise, and had the baby. The father’s father (who told us to have an abortion) instantly became a loving, doting grandfather. The father and I stayed together, got married, and had a second baby. We ended up divorcing 12 years later for reasons not related to our kids. Like I said, there are no guarantees. We are friends. We live a few blocks from each other and are awesome co parents. Our kids are happy and well-adjusted. I’ve since remarried and have another baby on the way.

Try to shut out the noise if you can. Listen to what you really want to do. The father will grow up -or he won’t- you will stay together -or you won’t- but this is your decision.

like the others have said it sounds like he’s trying to guilt you into a decision. If you are already very attached I would say keep the baby. It sounds like you deep down already know what you want. If he ends the relationship because you wanted to keep your child than that’s not the kind of person you want to be with anyways!! He knew the risk of pregnancy. You will regret terminating the pregnancy but I am sure you won’t ever regret keeping your child. I am sure he will stop chiming in when you make your decision clear. But in the end this is your decision and only you can make it for yourself and your child. Do what YOU want and feel is right. Good luck to you. Sending positive vibes

I’m so sorry that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place! I honestly cannot even begin to fathom what you are facing. But we are the same age and we both have a life within us and I can definitely empathize with you there. Even though these suckers are making us sick and anxious at the moment, they stir a quiet joy and peace deep within at the same time. I feel that in your position, I would opt to keep this little life of mine alive. 1) I don’t think I could trust a man who didn’t care for the life he helped put in me. 2) I think it would be difficult for most Dads to despise that cute face when he or she finally arrives. 3) Maybe the boyfriend won’t stick around, but the thought of abortion would always follow me. Again, this is all from an outside perspective. But we do share the excitement and desire to keep these little ones and watch them grow up. We can feel it—he can’t. At least he won’t feel it until he meets the little guy or gal.

I had an abortion when I was younger and still regret it everyday! Don’t do it! Everything happens for a reason and you both will adapt. If you are like me, you’ll never forgive yourself and ultimately it will all work out!

I think that you should keep your baby! Honestly , me and my husband were dating for only 3 months when I found out I was pregnant with my first. Yes , my mom was so mad and she said things that maybe she shouldn’t have . There is not a day where I don’t regret keeping her .. now we are married with two kids and one on the way . We have been together for 6 years and married for 1 . Goes to show you that time doesn’t matter .. he might be saying things he didn’t mean because he’s nervous . If he doesn’t want to be there or thinks your choosing a baby over him , he needs a reality check . Mothers will always choose their babies over their husbands .. unless .. idk

This is totally your call and your decision. I feel like maybe his parents are influencing his decision. You should never feel like it's an ultimatum. Right now, he is picking himself over you and the baby.

I'm an attorney and deal with family law matters. Honestly, whether you get married and have kids after marriage or have a child and then get married or have a child and never get married, theres no guarantee that you and he will stay together. I know that's a bit depressing to hear. I understand his concern about the Lymes, as I'm sure you are as well, but there are plenty of babies born that don't have it or have other illnesses that are cared for everyday.

I think you have a lot of soul searching to do in a short amount of time. Do what you feel is right. Don't let his parents, his guilt trip or anything else alter how your decision. Also, for what it's worth, it sounds like you have parents that will support you no matter what.