Appearance: Striking. Crystal clear golderrod mirred only by the incessant tiny bubbles that move with passion. A thick creamy head that sticks to your upper lip in a way that you only see in the movies. The head sticks hard to the sides of the glass, not lacing so much as slowly oozing down and covering everything. This is a marvel

Smell: Big hops; like walking through a meadow after a soft rain, the sun beaming down on your face as it slowly bakes the grass and fills the air with scents of a perfect Spring day. Like getting flowers when it’s not even a special occasion.

Taste: Oddly tame, I expected to be stabbed in the back of the throat with hops and bitterness. Medium-bodied and incredibly drinkable.

A nice bit of citrus cuts through everything and keeps you refreshed and wanting more. It finishes mush sweeter than I’d expect for this kind of beer. Mango or something tropical. It totally caught me off guard. For the most part it tastes like it smells with is damn near perfect.

Overall: Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy! This was a revelation. It was something that has stuck with me since I actually tasted the beer three weeks ago. That I’m not drinking it now is slightly depressing. 95/100.

February Reader Mail

How do you feel about cider? I think a warm cider is nice on a cold day. Even a nice crisp cider in the Summer feels great. – Martha from Boston

Fuck off you old bag of bones. Martha? No one is named Martha.

Any predictions for the Superbowl? – Anonymous

Sure. 28-24 Pats. (I really need to start answering the questions as I get them.)

You’re just some fat, single, loser that spends all his time drinking instead of being productive. Your site is a joke and highly offensive. – Ginger from Ontario

Okay, well there’s a lot going on here.

First, I’m not fat. I’m at the forefront of bringing bulimia back in style with my “Bulimia: It’s Not Just For Women” ad campaign so I’d appreciate a little bit of recognition for all that hard work.

Second, sure I’m single, but I’m working on it. I’ve met a couple girls through OKCupid recently. Admittedly it hasn’t gone great, but at least I’m working on it. My last date ended with me telling the girl I wasn’t interested in meeting again, her screaming at me that my life is just going to be one big sausage party if I don’t accept “women of size,” and me screaming back that every day of her life is a sausage party.

Lastly, I was the recipient of over thirteen hugs from my mom over the course of the last decade and if that’s not winning then I don’t know what is.

How do you know the name and location of the people that send e-mails? – Ben from Chicago

Well now you know.

Cut your electric bill by up to 80% with solar panels! – Home Solar Savings

I live on the moon and the moon is only out at night you idiots. Why don’t you push your wares on Tatooine or something?

As always, Check out the Facebook and Twitter pages for updates. Send e-mail too. It gets lonely out in space.

Blue Moon

Appearance: What is it about an unfiltered beer that just seems so right? I feel like we’re seeing what nature intended; something that hasn’t been overly disturbed by man, that stands as a testament to the beauty of the brewing process.

It has a citrusy hue, tangerine, but there’s an otherworldly glow caused by being unfiltered. The head pours white and vanishes before I can snap a photo. It feels a bit dead inside, the occasional tiny bubble losing its grasp on the side of my glass.

Smell: Fresh grain and the smell of a dewy lawn just as the first light of the sun begins to warm it up. Tropical fruit.

Taste: A surprisingly thin body and even more surprising crispness. The grain comes through nicely, but everything else is flat. It’s not particularly sweet, or bitter, or spicy, or herby.

Overall: This is a mass produced beer that wasn’t given much love. Instead it got some cheap plastic surgery and a Wonder-bra, superficial aesthetics instead of any real substance. This could be enjoyed by someone dipping their toe into the waters of wheat beers, but there are so many better options out there that I’d never consider buying this. 52/100.

“If people vaccinated their kids, there wouldn’t be a measles outbreak.”

“People shouldn’t drink alcohol until they’re 21. Giving booze to a kid would be abuse!”

“Homeopathy doesn’t work! And there’s no evidence that getting your kid drunk will cure their diseases!”

“You’re an idiot for thinking vaccines cause autism. Your kids are all dumb and you didn’t vaccinate them, how do you explain that?!”

Do these italicized remarks sound familiar to you? If so, you might just be part of the cool small group of people who actually know what’s going on in the world. Congratulations. Most mortals will never figure out that all of society is out to get them; that so-called “do-gooders” lurk around every corner, waiting to harm their children while joyously screaming, “It’s for your own good!”. Luckily you and your children will be safe and sound, thanks to you and your magical reasoning powers. It takes someone brave, someone with an unbelievable mind, to stand in the face of a mountain of evidence and say, “NO. I know the truth.” It takes someone like you, and someone like me, to say no to vaccines.

Now that we’re on this journey together, I thought we could discuss some actual, proven, beneficial ways to treat your child’s illness.

Whiskey:

Treats most ailments. The active ingredient is called “ethanol”, which sounds like a chemical, but it’s old, so it isn’t a chemical. It’s a natural product, so naturally, it works. My child had the flu so I gave her one shot of whiskey every eight hours until her symptoms improved. After three days, her treatment was complete as she only had a mild headache. Whiskey effectively cured my daughter of influenza. Can pharmaceutical companies do that? No.

Big pharmaceutical companies would tell me I should have gotten the flu vaccine for my child, but flu vaccines don’t work and make kids autistic. My method cures the flu, but of course pharmaceutical companies would never recognize that because they just want to make money.

Chanting (yelling, singing, or impersonating Will Ferrell will also work):

This method is not as effective as whiskey, but is powerful in that there are no chemicals involved. There is only air and sound, which contain no chemicals and no toxins. If your child is sensitive to chemicals, even ancient ones like those found in whiskey, chanting or chanting substitutions should be used. My child had food poisoning once and after twelve hours of chanting, she felt much better.

The CDC would say that I should cook my food longer to prevent food poisoning, but that’s because they’re in cahoots with big electric companies that want me to keep my stove on longer. Chanting cures food poisoning. Cooking food longer causes autism, and you could die of dysentery if you eat overcooked food.

Hair of old man:

Though it may be difficult to find, hair of old man is one of the most effective ways of treating illness. Because an old man has lived to an old age, his hair contains health-promoting properties. Simply put the hair in a locket and place the locket on your child. For stronger treatment, more hair and more time wearing the locket will suffice. If you have trouble getting hair from an old man, you may find it easier to make a request on craigslist personals (see also: Trolling Craigslist).

It’s simple: natural methods simply make more sense than using vaccines or medicines made by the government. Natural methods are non-profit, unlike the government, which will try to get our hard-earned money at any cost. The three methods I shared with you today are only the most common and effective means of treating illness. For hundreds of other ways to treat illness, either send me an email or subscribe to our weekly newsletter, “Smart Choice Alternative Medicine”–S.C.A.M. for short. The newsletter is only $5 a week, or $300 for our year long bonus offer!

And remember, DO NOT use beer to treat illness. Beer contains carbon dioxide, which is a known toxin. It also does not contain enough ethanol to effectively treat a child. If whiskey can’t be found, other spirits high in alcohol can be used.

December Reader Mail

I told you this site was a waste of time and that no one cared about it. – Gloria from Yellow Springs

First, that’s not a question. Second, this is why we’re putting you into the rest home, mom.

What do you make of all the police violence on Black people this year? – Anonymous

I’m not aware of anything happening. Did Sting try to rape Bill Cosby or something? That can’t be right, but if there’s video or something I need you to send it over immediately. This has nothing to do with my new weird fetish.

What’s your new, weird fetish? – Mark from Butte

Interior: It’s Christmas morning and two kids barrel down the stairs to see what treats Santa has left for them. When they get to the tree they find themselves bewildered by the lack of any gifts. They notice a soft crying coming from the kitchen.

The kids move to the kitchen and find their mom, a single woman that works two jobs, going over financial documents and trying to work out the numbers. Her mascara is running and the nearby ashtray is near full.

You seem like a reasonably funny guy, but your beer reviews are shit. Why even bother with them when you could just do the comedy? – Lauren from NYC

I need to justify my drinking somehow.

Also, just because I’m a premature ejaculator doesn’t mean you need to send me pissy e-mails Lauren. We had a one time thing and I had already warned you that when I’m done, we’re done.

I buy a lot of stuff at thrift stores and my family is mad at me for giving out what they’re calling “cheap” Christmas presents. Shouldn’t they just be happy I was thinking of them and didn’t just get them all gift cards to the Outback Steakhouse? – John from Boston

I suppose it really comes down to what you got them. Found an awesome vintage sports jersey? Sweet. Got your grandma some used towels and an artisanal hand-crank vibrator? Still sweet. Got your brother a book of nifty sex positions? Why not.

Just take the price tags off of everything. That’s your mistake. And if you do get gift cards for someone be sure to lie about how much is on it.

Appearance: Like drying sap or a hardwood floor with a dark stain. It feels natural, like this is something that the universe needed to exist. The head reduces to a thin film that’s the color of a new smoker’s teeth and it laces just wonderfully down the glass. Tiny, unexcited bubbles occasionally seem to rise out of nowhere, surrounded by the thick haze of this gorgeous beer.

Smell: Toasted nuts come out swinging hard. I can almost taste that salty mess that they keep stocked at most bars. I can also smell biscuits that are ready to come out of the oven, burnt coffee, and toffee.

Taste: The dark roasted malt and those toasted nuts are very present. Subtle bitterness stays on the tongue throughout, going solo as the only aftertaste you get out of this beer. A bit of coffee comes through, along with some chocolaty sweetness and just enough hops.

It has a creamy texture, but still stays refreshingly crisp for a beer this heavy.

Overall: I’m not usually one to go for Black Lagers, but this is how it should be done; 83/100. This would be great if you were out camping, telling jokes around a strong fire with good friends and clear, star-filled skies.

September Reader Mail

Any ideas for the grill? – Bo from Virginia

Get good at making burgers. A proper burger will make you King of Summer. I go with 80/20 chuck and mix in salt, pepper, cayenne, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and a bit of sage. Try not to over mix. Brushing on a thin layer of barbecue sauce during the cooking can help set you apart too.

Get creative with your burger toppings. Lettuce, tomato, and onion are fine, but really get out there. A personal favorite it the fry burger. Make crispy shoestring fries and put an even layer on top of the burger. Cover it with a Russian dressing consisting of 2 parts ketchup, one part mayo, a good bit of relish, and a few cracks of fresh ground pepper.

What sort of readership do you have? What are the monthly pageviews? – Ed from California

My mom told her co-workers about the site so I guess you could say we’ve made the big leagues.

What happened to Trolling Craigslist? – Pete

I’ve been shadowbanned on that website and I don’t like using Tor because it always leads to me getting quotes on assassinations and sending heroin to my enemies. I’ll try to do one this week. I don’t think anyone uses Craigslist anymore though. Maybe we upgrade to OK Cupid.

Can I do wine reviews on your website? – Danielle from Michigan

Suck an egg.

If you have a question find us on Facebook, Twitter, or just send an e-mail. Sure I only check the e-mail once every three months, but I’m a single mother living inside the body of a childless, 20-something man. Oh, and I made a subreddit just because I could and I didn’t want one of you creeps creating it an lording it over me. It’s /r/BoozeAndOtherNonsense. Go vandalize it.

Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat

Appearance: Like a dream. This is slightly unfair, but I’m drinking this outside and the sun catches in the bottom of my glass in such a way that it sends mesmerizing rays of light up through the cloudy blur that makes up the body of this beer. A modest white head crowns a deep goldenrod that fades to the color of lemon juice as you scan your eyes from the top to bottom. That gradient is shocking.

Smell: I expect fruit up front, and there is definitely a bit of citrus and banana, but the first thing that hits the nose is spice; fresh cracked pepper and cloves. Delicate wheat and some yeast finish it out.

Taste: That spice comes through in a big way. Cloves, pepper, and lemon are the prominent tastes, followed up with malted wheat and other fruit.

It has a satisfying, creamy medium-body that benefits from the steady carbonation; creating a crisp feel that also allows that spice to hold on to the tongue for the perfect amount of time.

Overall: I feel like I undersold the head on this one because it’s amazing. It keeps at just about a quarter of an inch for the entire session, lasting and lasting and lacing the glass in a way that other beers should aspire to. It’s a little misty cloud on top of what has to be the nectar Dionysus himself insisted upon. 91/100. That spiciness cannot be overstated. It rounds this beer out so very well. A treat on a perfect Summer day.

Have you been feeling fatigued? Lame? Is that 2:30 feeling getting you down? Wish you could last a little longer in bed, perhaps up to twenty four hours longer? Do you wish you could lose weight without all the effort? Well, it sounds like you might need some ice cold, refreshing Coca Cola Plus.

Coca Cola Plus is a new, revolutionary product that contains NMPPA*, a natural ingredient made by organic scientists in laboratories. NMPPA is an activator of several natural neurotransmitters in the brain and is found in the body naturally after consuming Coca Cola Plus. The activation of the neurotransmitters is what activates all of the good-feeling energy that you get after drinking it.

9 out of 10 scientists that we included in our survey agree that drinking a can of Coca Cola Plus is a healthier and safer alternative to napping, exercising regularly, or having a cold glass of water. Dr. Hooba of Cornell explains, “Cold water is sometimes too cold. Exercising can be taxing on the body, causing stress fractures or fatal bike accidents. Napping can make you even more tired, and once you go to sleep, how do you know you’ll wake up?” It’s simple–Coca Cola Plus is a much safer way to feel energized. Make sure to give Coca Cola Plus to your children so they’ll stay safe too and grow up nice and strong.

You may be asking yourself, what can Coca Cola Plus do for you? Perhaps a better question would be, “What can it not do?” Coca Cola Plus can help you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, and it can make you feel like a hero even when you’re a zero, all for just $1.69. It can keep you fucking all through the night and to the next morning until you wish it would just stop. It can give you the irresistible feeling of having bugs crawling on your face without actually having to be exposed to the West Nile Virus. Coca Cola Plus is love. Coca Cola Plus is life. Drink Coca Cola Plus, and never stop.

August Reader Mail

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? – Anonymous

I hope someone digs your grandma’s corpse up and puts it in your bathtub.

What TV shows do you like right now? – Bill from D.C.

I tape myself showering and watch the highlights during primetime hours. Summer TV is awful.

What kind of beer would you recommend for a guy that doesn’t want to seem like a hipster, wants to drink on the cheap, and wants to avoid the major breweries? – Alex from Pennsylvania

Well if you’re in Pennsylvania you should have easy access to Yeungling. I take it that you want to get away from that though, so I’ll say go for a nice wheat beer. It’s Summer and few things are more refreshing. You can find Hoegaarden pretty much anywhere. Go with that. (I need to review that.)

If you have a question find us on Facebook, Twitter, or just send an e-mail. It will probably be ignored, but at least you tried. Play your cards right and we can exchange nudes!

Narwhal Imperial Stout

Appearance: What’s most striking about this beer is that it’s jet black and stagnant. This combination of factors, when combined with my clean glass, cause it to be extremely reflective. Not only can light not penetrate it, it’s repelled. The head is rich, colored like Honey Nut Cheerios, and laces in a nearly unbelievable way.

I’ve also noticed that it is incredibly sticky. I managed to shear off the top of the bottle when I cracked this one open and now everything that I touch is sticking to me.

Smell: Nuanced. The expected chocolate is just sweet enough to not offend the nose. The signature hoppiness of Sierra Nevada cuts though and blends with the sweet chocolate to make you feel like your walking through a field of barely just ready for harvest. I also get something reminiscent of prunes.

Taste: Given how sticky it is, the body is surprisingly not as thick as I expected. Medium mouthfeel with almost no carbonation.

The hops are right in your face with this stout. A certain café con leche sweetness coats the tongue throughout the drinking experience, but everything give way to fresh fragrant hops. It finishes pretty clean, but does leave a stinging bitterness. It’d be nice if some of that prune aroma came though.

Overall: This was fun, but it felt off. It seemed like this beer wanted to be too much. It’s certainly not bad, but this is not what I’d want out of an imperial stout. 78/100 is the best that I can do. Something didn’t work.

“What do you mean? Of course it’s me. There’s nothing wrong with Jesus–he has no faults, so it has to be my fault.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t think he’s into the fairer sex if you know what I mean. You’ve seen him and his dad… it’s fucking weird. And him and Peter? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“Now that you mention it… maybe. The disciples are unusually glamorous.”

Meanwhile, in the far from luscious desert landscape, Peter and Jesus sat under a tree, looking fine as hell.

“So, what about that John, eh Jesus?”

“Uh… erm… John? What?” stammered Jesus, who was suddenly suffering a violent case of red face (which no one could see because his skin was dark as night).

“Haha! I knew it!” said Peter. “You should go for it. I think he’s feeling the same way. I saw you two splashing around in the Jordan.” Peter flashed an irresistible wink.

“That was a baptism,” hissed Jesus.

Peter rolled his magnificently sparkling chocolate eyes. “Oh, but it was much more than that, wasn’t it?” he said with a smirk that had lusciousness the desert had never known.

“I thought I was the only one who felt it. Besides, I can’t do it,” said Jesus. “You know I love you, Peter. I would never betray you.”

“Well, I would betray you if it came down to it, and honestly, I want this for you. You’ve always accepted that I have a girlfriend, and I would accept it too if you went out with John. I’m going to love you no matter what–even if you get nailed by John, or even by Romans.”

“Oh, Peter!” said Jesus, falling into Peter’s strong arms. At this moment, the least sinful of lusts took over them underneath the fig tree, and during this time, many Samaritans cheered them on. Samaritans. Those sluts.

Later, in the dusty and romantic sunset of the desert, Jesus knocked on John’s door tentatively.

“Oh, hello, Jesus. What are you doing around here? I thought you usually told off the idiots of town with elaborate parables at this time of night,” said John, smoothly and casually. John had already taken off his robe and slipped into something more comfortable for the night, which was both exhilarating and terrifying for Jesus, who was planning on asking John to platonic coffee to test the waters.

“I, um.. I was going to ask you… coffee? Or something…” stammered Jesus. Jesus was always stammering. It was kind of annoying, but his hair made up for it.

“I know what you’re going to say. Come inside, Jesus.”

And from the window of John’s humble shack, Mary wept.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Will Mary ever find true love? Will John and Jesus’s night together lead to something more? Will Jesus die and then come back to life three days later as a straight man, breaking the hearts of John and Peter, and fall madly in love with Mary, but too late? Find out in our next book, The Betrayal, for just $7.99, or for much, much, more at your nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore.

July Reader Mail

The cat puppet from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Not the puppeteer, just the puppet.

I’m having a lot of trouble getting girls to go home with me. Any good closing lines? – Steve from New York

No. You shouldn’t be using any lines. Tell them that it’s time to go back to your place or else.

My boyfriend won’t have sex with me when I’m having my period. Thoughts? – Jill from “I’m not telling you where I live”

You’re having too many periods. Stop it.

Like always, check out Facebook and Twitter for extra content and feel free to send an e-mail if you want to ask a question for next month’s mail dump. Here’s the review. Don’t drink stouts on hot Summer days.

Stone Espresso Imperial Russian Stout

Appearance: This is easily the darkest, most opaque beer that I’ve ever encountered. I put a flashlight behind it and not a single photon made it through this slick, oily stout. The head is a deep brown reminiscent of a sandy beach on the eastern U.S. coast. That head is thick and unforgiving. This beer looks like it wants to hurt you.

Smell: Lots and lots of coffee; like working the line at Waffle House when the only customers are edgy teens that won’t order food. A good vapor of alcohol fills the air as soon as the beer begins to pour. Sweetness.

Taste: This is a thick beer. You could chew it if you really wanted to. There’s a surprisingly high level of carbonation too.

It tastes of bitter dark roasted coffee, sweet malt, and finishes with a grating alcohol taste that really forces its way around your mouth. It’s certainly sweeter than I’d expect a Stone product to be and the taste really sticks with you for quite some time.

Overall: I just noticed that this beer is 11%. I am feeling each and every part of that. This is a beer for a man that has no obligations the next day. This is a beer that you’d drink if you wanted the world to know that you don’t give a fuck. I love stouts, they are my lifeblood, but, while this looks great, I can’t forgive that offensive alcohol presence that invades this experience. 81/100.

So, on Wednesday I get a message on Facebook from some girl I kinda know. She asks me if I’m dating anyone. She’s cute enough, so I tell her that I’m single. She proceeds to tell me that a friend of hers saw something funny that I posted and asked her to ask me out for her. I get a link to this other girl’s Facebook page and I’m digging what I see. She looked like a high school cheerleader that bullied kids at lunch, that girl that knew she could get by on her looks and treat people like dirt; my type.

So I send this new girl, Karen, a message. She responds with glee and wants to meet up sometime soon. We chat a bit and plan something for Friday night. So far everything is going great. The victim rarely approaches me first.

That afternoon I get to our planned meetup spot and order myself a double of whatever rye they had. I’m on my A-game with an empty stomach and a couple fingers of whiskey. I shoot the shit with the bartender a bit when I notice a disturbance in the force.

It honestly felt like that scene in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex makes it’s first approach and you can see the vibrations from its movement in your drink. I drain my drink, in fear that it will be my last, and hear the bar stool next to me squeal like the Titanic making contact with an iceberg. I look to my right and see a girl that resembles the picture from Facebook, but she’s 150 pounds heavier and looks demented and greasy.

She flashes a creepy grin and says how nice it is to finally see me in person. Before I can respond she picks up a menu screams out, to nobody in particular, an order for some awful blue drink and three different appetizers.

A bit stunned, I ask if she’s Karen. She giggles and says, “Of course. Who else would I be silly?”

“Well, you don’t look anything like your Facebook profile picture.”

“Oh yeah, My sister and I swapped profile pictures right before you messaged me. I forgot about that.”

“That seems weird. Why weren’t there any other pictures of you on your Facebook page?”

“Oooo, you’ve been stalking me.”

Her drink arrived, some enormous, sugary aquamarine miscarriage of a drink, and she sucked it down through a straw near instantaneously. “You must really like what you see if you tried to go through my pics.” She wobbled a bit, trying to mimic what an attractive girl would do.

“I liked what I SAW, but that was someone else. I’m really sorry, but you’re not really what I’m in to. I’ll cover these drinks, but then I’m going to go.”

“Are you gay? You only like girls that look like little boys?”

“Wha? I’m… sure yeah, I’d actually much rather be with a little boy than you. At least then I could go on a walk without fear of my date fainting”

I hailed the barmen, told him that I’d like to cover the drinks, laid down some cash, and began to go on my way.

“Before I go”, I asked, “do you think I could get your sister’s number?”

She screeched like a beached whale and began hurling insults. I smiled, spun, and moonwalked out of the restaurant. As I was leaving, the barman asked her if she still wanted the food. She screamed yes. I began laughing uncontrollably.

The Moral: Never trust a girl that doesn’t have albums full of pictures on Facebook. That should have been a dead giveaway to me that something was wrong. All girls love photos, especially when they’re in them. Also, there’s nothing wrong with being overweight, but be honest. I’ve got to plan a budget around that.

Appearance: You remember when, as a kid, your mom would order a pizza on one of those special nights? You’d get super excited thinking about that delicious melty cheese and perfectly salty pepperonis. Mom decides to jump in the shower real quick because she just got off work and is ready to relax knowing she doesn’t have to cook. Whle she’s lathering up, the doorbell rings. The pizza is here. Dread sets in. You’re 8. You don’t know what to do. You open the door and stare awkwardly at the delivery driver. They try to figure out where your parents are so they can get their money and get back to work. You piss yourself in fear. That’s what this beer looks like.

Smell: Near non-existent. I suppose if you forced it under the average person’s nose and asked them what it was they’d say “beer”, but it’s hard to really pick out what that means.

Taste: It has a watery body and a cloying astringency. It’s bland. That’s great for college parties during which you may be shotgunning and beer bonginng, but by no stretch of the imagination is any part of this beer pleasant on the tongue. It even has a nice sour aftertaste just to give you one last middle finger.

Overall: This score is only as high as it is because the beer didn’t actually smell bad. 18/100. I don’t know why I keep subjecting myself to these awful, awful beers, but hopefully this was the last of them for some time.