Local

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper she dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments.

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails.

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage

EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Local Peeping Tom David Sutcliffe expressed concern Monday that next-door neighbors John and Kimberly Hobsbaum's love life may be in jeopardy.

Peeping Tom David Sutcliffe

"On the surface, John and Kim appear to be the perfect couple," said Sutcliffe, 39, who claimed to know the couple better than most. "They live in a tastefully decorated three-bedroom home, are the proud parents of a beautiful son, and possess all the trappings of modern convenience. But when you take a closer look at their life through the lenses of a powerful set of binoculars, their marriage isn't all it seems."

Sutcliffe said he first suspected that something might be wrong with the Hobsbaums' relationship after seeing Kimberly quietly crying in the shower six months ago.

"I almost didn't notice it at first," Sutcliffe said. "But when I zoomed out on my camcorder, there she was, weeping."

According to Sutcliffe, the rare occasions when Kimberly and John engage in sexual intercourse lack the spontaneity of the early years of their relationship. "There was a time when they, and I, simply couldn't predict when an impulsive lovemaking session would break out," said Sutcliffe, who admitted that he hasn't needed to move his camouflaged camcorder from its tripod in months. "You don't have to examine hundreds of hours of recorded footage to figure out that sex has become a chore for the Hobsbaums," Sutcliffe said.

"Although it does help."

While Sutcliffe said it would be "unrealistic" to think the couple could rekindle the same passion found in their early days—particularly the "unforgettable" evening of Oct. 12, 1998—he said they can still take steps to recharge their sex life.

"Men are visually stimulated," Sutcliffe said as he dimmed the lights, unbuttoned his pants, and leaned forward to peer through a narrow opening in his window blinds. "Maybe Kimberly could greet John one evening in nothing but her red lace teddy. Or at the very least, she could insist that they have sex with the lights on, adding spontaneity and making my night-vision goggles unnecessary."

Continued Sutcliffe: "If that doesn't work, perhaps the Hobsbaums could try introducing another person into their bedroom—perhaps that fit, redheaded friend of theirs who sometimes comes over for dinner."

The Hobsbaums

Sutcliffe had dozens of other suggestions, including slower, more sensual foreplay, inventive role-playing based on Victorian themes, experimenting with new sexual positions on their back patio, and, should all else fail, "videotaping their lovemaking sessions."

Sutcliffe warned that couples often don't realize that small gestures like a kiss good-bye in the morning, clear of any sight-line obstructions such as tall floor lamps, can make all the difference in the world. "Honestly, I can't remember the last time I lip-read John telling Kimberly that he loved her," Sutcliffe said.

"This couple needs to talk about their problems, not ignore them," he went on. "More than anything, they need honest, clear communication, preferably with a lot of sexually explicit verbalizations near an open window within range of my shotgun microphone."

Although the Hobsbaums may have reached a low point in their sex life, Sutcliffe pointed out that this is not an uncommon occurrence among married couples he's observed.

"I've sat in this chair or crouched in my garage and watched this happen many times before," said Sutcliffe, who asserted that an outsider's perspective is invaluable for recognizing problems in a marriage. "Many couples, like the Menekens directly across the street, or the Stephensons, whose bedroom faces my kitchen, forget that sustaining a loving relationship requires a lot of hard work."

The good news, according to Sutcliffe, is that the Hobsbaums' decreased sex life doesn't seem to be the result of physical illness or inadequacy. "They're clearly still interested in sex," he said. "At least these photos, taken during the day when John was alone in the computer room, seem to indicate this."

Yet Sutcliffe added that, unless the Hobsbaums start mending their relationship soon, he fears one of them might look for affection where Sutcliffe won't be able to closely monitor them.

"I would hate to see something like that happen to such a photogenic couple," he said.

More from this section

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

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