To begin with I have always loved my wife and she has been my world. Background - We have been together for 12 years and April 17th will be 10 years married, maybe. We have always been very happy together and really don't fight about anything; we have two kids 4 and 8. Yesterday I decided to look in her phone, I have no idea why I felt like I should, and it’s not something that I would usually do. But anyway I did and I read an email that has crushed my heart. So what did I read? Basically she is cheating on me and I know they are sleeping together and they are in love with each other. I confronted her and she fessed up and was very honest about what was going on, guess because she knew she was busted. She says that she loves me and knows that I love her more than anyone can imagine. Apparently this is someone that she works with and they have had a relationship for the past 6 months, I never had a clue. She tells me that she truly does love me but is in love with this other guy too. I asked her if she was done with us and all she can say is “I don’t know”. I also asked her if she was going to end it with the other guy and same answer, “I don’t know” I’m here because I don’t know who to talk to all my friends are her friends too and It’s so fresh that I have no clue what to do next. I have spent the last 24 hours on the roller coaster of crying, being hurt, and anger. I’m trying not to make any big decision right now because I know that I’m not in a stable place. If she does want to stay with me I don’t know if I can ever forgive her or trust her again. It may not matter because there is always the possibility that she will choose him. I'm very lost and alone right. Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you.

BS(me)- 33
WW - 33
2 Kids. 4,8
M: April 2004
D-Day: 3/16/2014

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2014

yme32313♀ 42091Member # 42091

Posted: 10:42 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

It sucks to be in this position. Although you never in a million years would have thought you would have been betrayed, you were. Take of your self and don't make any decisions yet. Your mind isn't ready to decide on that. Make sure you're eating, drinking plenty of water.
She really needs to decided what she wants to do she can't have her cake and eat it too!
Have you thought of a trail separation? That's when your spouse realize what they have until it's gone.
What are your thoughts on what is going on? Do you want to R with her?

Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico

Jduff♂ 41988Member # 41988

Posted: 10:44 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

BMcDonald,

Sorry you are here my friend. You will get lots of support here. This is going to be one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for you. You want to find answers, but the best thing to do at this moment is to read the materials in the reading library to the left hand side. Start with the BS FAQ -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

You may find a lot familiarity in that FAQ to your own situation. The details of the situations may be differ, but the script of the affair is quite common. Like you said, hold off contemplating big decisions right now. Get information and read up on that FAQ. Don't forget to drink, eat, get rest, as hard as it is to do at the moment. Just know that you cannot "nice" your wife into to deciding between you and her affair partner (AP). I doubt she is "in love" with this guy, many of the waywards think that is the feeling but it isn't.

This is a tough road to go down. We are all here to help you along the way. Your priority right now is to take care of yourself and your kids. Your wife got herself into this mess. She owns the decision to cheat 100%. Don't you dare blame yourself for any of that decision.

Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas

LifeisCrazy♂ 38287Member # 38287

Posted: 10:49 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Hi BMac. I'm sorry you are here.

You just found out. Literally. Take a moment to try to step back and breathe. It is overwhelming.

A few things:

1. It is wonderful that you found this site early. If you can read through a few threads you will find a consistent theme - "I wish I had done THIS sooner." Use them as guidance in regard to how you respond to your newly discovered knowledge.

2. There is a healing library in the left hand corner. Read. The knowledge and experience you will find there is extensive.

3. Recognize the KEY fact - what your wife did was NOT your fault. Your marriage might have been great, it might have sucked. But either way, cheating is NOT the answer. The affair is 100% her fault.

She will not see it that way - at least not yet. But understand that YOU did not cause it, in any way, shape or form.

4. If I may make one recommendation - and I'm a bit reluctant because it's SO soon - but it's the one thing I wish I had done: She doesn't get to sit on the fence and decide. She's married to you, period. If she can't go no contact with the other man, immediately, then she doesn't get the comforts of home.

Let her know that you want a decision. Now. If she waffles, or isn't sure, or says anything other than I want YOU - 100%, then she leaves. Period. Your marriage certificate doesn't say you, her - and some other guy.

If she wants the marriage then she will start trying. We recognize she may not spin around on a dime - but she starts trying, pronto. If not, she doesn't get you and her family.

Lastly, I know what you're thinking - won't that just drive her to the other guy? Well, first off, she's already with him. But, more importantly, as has been said here a million times - the only thing worse than being cheated on behind your back is being cheated on right in front of you.

Good luck. You can make it.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2013

confused615♀ 30826Member # 30826

Posted: 10:53 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

So she expects you to be ok with sharing her with another man?

Put an end to that shit. You deserve better. Tell her you will not share your wife and she can either end it with OM, via a NC email that she writes and you send, or you will dump all of her shit off on his front porch.

You need to find out if OM has a wife or a girlfriend...from a source other than your WW( she may/will lie). If he has one, you need to call her and tell her. Do not tell your WW first..she will warn OM and by the time you get to his wife, she will have been told you are crazy and abusive.

Forward all texts and emails and pics and anything else to an email account of your own..and only you have the password. Do this right away, before she deletes it all.

You need to be tested for STD's..as does she. No sex until the results are in.

If she wants to R then you will need full transparency, she has to find another job, NC, and she has to get her ass into IC to figure out why she did this.

Do not allow her to blame you. This decision is hers to own.

Since she is so foggy, exposure will be your best friend. Expose her and OM to his BW, at work, tell her parents, mutual friends, etc.

You can not "nice" her out of the affair.

Welcome to SI. Im so sorry you're going through this Hell, but you are not alone.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:54 AM, March 17th (Monday)]

BS(me)42
FWH 46
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 8641 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana

hurtingfool♂ 42196Member # 42196

Posted: 10:59 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

I'm sorry you are here.

I've only been at this for 2 months now. Start in the Healing Library in the upper left. I've gotten a lot of help from there and posting/ranting here. Individual counseling for me has been helping as well. Main thing is, you do not have to make a decision right now. It's good that you know that. Also, you do not have to forgive her.

I recommend reading "How Can I Forgive You" and "After the Affair" by Spring, and "Not Just Friends" by Glass. Going through these now I think they should be required reading in school. Some of the ways to deal with relationships better would of been helpful before it gets to this point.

I know it is hard, my kids just thought I was sick, but try to get as much food in you as you can handle. Sleeping separately helped me.

I second the advice on finding out if the other man has a wife or girlfriend. You need to tell them if that's the case. It will knock your wife and him right off that fence and wreck the fantasy land real quick. If he doesn't have a family you might consider contacting their HR department.

I think this is the single most important thing to get your wife's head out if her ass. I wouldn't play nice and like others have said if she is on the fence she wouldn't be sleeping at my house.

Sorry for your pain brother, we've all been there and done that. You'll be ok even though you can't see it right now. I still have to remind myself daily of this.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 640 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas

stronger08♂ 16953Member # 16953

Posted: 11:03 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Welcome brother. Sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you did. First thing you need to remember is that this is not game you need to win and she certainly is not a prize. She is a cheater, liar shitty person. The worst thing you can do right now is wait for her to choose which one of you she wants. Make the decision for her and tell her to hit the road and go to OM. No person should have to share their spouse. I say this because the longer you allow her to have the both of you, the longer she will do just that. You will be caught in an emotional limbo unless you take action now. She is caught up in some fantasy love that has no foundation in reality. Its all rainbows and unicorns in affairland. The most effective strategy is to take a firm stand and put an end to her games. If you allow her to continue doing what she's doing she will perceive you as weak. And when that happens she will walk all over you. I understand that your hurting and confused right now. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to just say no to her. Expose her A and drag reality into her little fantasy life. Tell her to go to OM and let her experience how the real world will be without you. Trust me OM does not want her. He is telling her anything right now because he wants to get laid with no strings attached. This dude is basically screwing your WW on your dime. Its time for them both to pay the piper.

With that said you need to make yourself the priority now. You need to protect you and your kids. She has created this mess and you must allow her to experience it and clean it up. Forget about the woman you married. She is gone forever my man. This shit simply can not be wished away or swept under a rug. It has to be dealt with quickly and decidedly. Now this does not mean you have to D her tomorrow. But you must make her fully understand that D will happen unless she stops her shit. Don't make any idle threats. Stand your ground and mean it. After you deal with her A then you can decide on what you want to do with the M. First things first, put an end to her games and force her to decide. There is a good chance she will want OM. But you must allow her to go to him. But once she is gone no more support from you. Not emotional or financial. She goes with the knowledge that your not putting up with this shit. Drag this fantasy into the light of reality and see how quickly it dies. Keep it in the dark and the monster will continue to grow. Good luck bro and keep posting.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6129 | Registered: Nov 2007

BMcDonald♂ 42813Member # 42813

Posted: 11:20 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

thank you all for responding so quickly. I'm glad i found this page. I have made it very clear to her that there is no way she gets both, she has to make a decision. In the short time since i found out i have covered the spectrum of emotions, phyisicly and emotionaly I'm wrecked. She has told me that she knows I'm a wonderful husband and that everyone tells her the same thing about me. SO WHY??? I know that question cant be answered but it's all consuming right now. I took my son out to breakfast today and it was all i could do not to breakdown every time a happy old couple walked in. I think you are all correct. I must tell her that she has to decide now and if she says she can't then she must leave. I guess that's the next step.

BS(me)- 33
WW - 33
2 Kids. 4,8
M: April 2004
D-Day: 3/16/2014

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2014

LifeisCrazy♂ 38287Member # 38287

Posted: 11:36 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Remember - if you're out to breakfast with your son there is no question that she's on the phone communicating with him.

She needs to make a decision, right now. If it's a recommitment to the marriage then she sits down, in front of you, and drafts a No Contact letter. It gets sent to him with you looking over her shoulder. From that moment on she is to understand that she will have NO CONTACT, period.

Also, you need to be in touch with his wife... if he is married. If you don't know it then look your wife in the eye - while she is still reeling from the revelation - and let her know that you want his name and home address/phone number. If she hesitates, even for a second, tell her to pack her bags.

Believe me, she hasn't thought through all the consequences yet and this is a huge advantage for you. When you tell her that she's not going to see her children for a long time - she'll give you anything you want. Use her shock to your advantage.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2013

damnUnicorns♀ 42691Member # 42691

Posted: 11:40 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

No advice from ME, other than to hang in there. Those first few days are so very very hard.
Hugs to you. .. no one deserves this heartbreak.
Be strong!

when you do confront her, please be carrying a voice activated recorder. it is very probable she will not care for the choices you offer. it is not unknown for a remorseless wayward spouse to attempt to control the situation by filing false domestic violence accusations. it has happened to several members here, myself included. do not assume that she is not capable of doing this to you.

I'm so sorry. Don't let her sit on the fence with you, able to get the benefits of both relationships. You deserve more--to be the first choice.

If the OM is married, out the A to his BW. See an attorney and get the paperwork for filing for D. And be prepared to kick her out if she won't decide and still says she doesn't know what she wants.

I know you love your wife but you can't let her do this to you, for your own self-respect. You have to be willing to loose the M to save the M. And honestly, do you want to be with someone who has you s their back-up plan? No matter how much you love her, that's no type of relationship.

Keep looking after your boy and take care of yourself. I'm so sorry. You certainly did not deserve this and your WW has some issues to work out about why she was vulnerable to the ego boost of this A.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4281 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC

OK now♀ 14459Member # 14459

Posted: 12:21 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

I know its difficult to be tough and decisive when your whole world had crumbled about you, but thats what its going to take for you to make the right decisions.

Your wife wants both her marriage and the OM and she will lie and manipulate to get them. If you wish to reconcile then find out the OM's marital status and recruit help from your extended family; get them condemning your wife for the betrayal of her family; not just you, but the betrayal of your innocent children as well.

If WW chooses to stay with her family, hopefully after everyone but the OM has roundly kicked her ass; then watch out for her taking the affair underground. She WILL NOT readily give up the OM and her romantic fantasy. She will likely continue to sneak off to see him every chance she gets. By the way, she is powerfully infatuated with him but she is not in love with you , thats a load of crap. She would not have fallen for the OM if she loved and respected you and she would be long gone if not for her kids.

If you want your wife back then use your brain not your heart. Keep calm and calculating and use all resources at your disposal. SI is one of them.

Posts: 1978 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC

toomanyregrets♂ 37740Member # 37740

Posted: 12:25 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

I'm sorry you had to find this site.

Your WW needs to decide who she wants.
You do not need a third person in your M.
It's you or the OM. Period.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele

Posts: 543 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY

UpInTheAirNow♂ 37777Member # 37777

Posted: 12:27 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Welcome. We have all been in your shoes. We know how much it hurts. It's ok to cry and let it out. Shit I'm going on 2 years in June and I still cry. Feel your pain. Because the only way out is through this and not around. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will not only get through this but you will eventually thrive. On a average it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. It's a marathon not a sprint. Take your time. The advise you recieve her is priceless. Take what you need and disguard the rest.

Look for the posts with bullseyes next to them. You might have to go back a few pages to find them but they contain valuable information critical to your situation. Read them and up in the left hand corner is the healing Library. Go to FAQ's. read it all. Start now so the next time you talk with her you know what to ask or expect. Although we have different stories the main script is the same.
So glad you found us so fast. Keep posting and we will be glad to share the wisdom.
Remember to eat and drink lots of water. Also try and workout to release stress. Minimize any alcohol. It won't help.
If you have trouble sleeping talk to you doc when you get tested for STD's.
Suggest you see a lawyer ASAP. Know your rights and protect yourself. Knowledge is power. You don't have to act on anything now. But at least you will have some ideas of what to expect legally should things turn ugly.
Sending you strength.

ME 45
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY

craig2001♂ 55Member # 55

Posted: 12:35 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Most times, the love during an affair is some weird fantasy. How easy is it to be in love with someone when it is all a game.

Does this OM have to deal with paying the household bills, raising kids, and everything else. NO.

Affairs are easy fantasy worlds and like others have written, you need to pop the fantasy bubble.

Find out about this OM, his he married, and if so let his wife know what is going on.

Actually, do you even know if this OM knows your wife is married. If you have never gone to any of her work related functions or been there, he might not know...obviously let him know.

Gathering information is one way to help you feel back in control of your life again. And that is the worst part right now, you feel as if some stranger and your wife ripped your life right from you. Try and get back control.

Posts: 4987 | Registered: Jun 2002

Howie♂ 41922Member # 41922

Posted: 12:41 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Hell and back, been there. Advice: read and evaluate the advice here, overall, it is all good.There is no harm in a small breather before you next confront to gather yourself and because this is new territory for her too- she has thinking to do. But it needs to be soon.
You must be firm and consistent even at this time of your worst injury. If you still want her and this can be an initial to be revised decision pending her further actions, she needs to decide you or him, period. In 99% of human relationships there is no other viable option unless you are one of those rare men who is CONTENT ( or happy) to share your wife with another man. She must apologize and mean it for her deception and lies--did you deserve that- a life of untruth? It is the only way forward.
And she needs to be forthcoming on every thing to the degree you desire it. You can,together save your marriage but-and I am least to ever lay down sine qua nons -these are essentials. Courage, you are in a strange new badland.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2014

MadeOfScars♂ 42231Member # 42231

Posted: 1:34 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

Welcome BMcDonald to the best site you never wanted to know about. There is a wealth of information and great advice already in this post, but I just wanted to reiterate 3 points:

1. Do not let her sit on the fence. That only hurts you more. Trust me, one of the best things I did early on is push her off. Whichever side she lands on, it'll be tough, but limbo is far tougher.

2. No matter the outcome, it WILL get better. I know it doesn't feel like it now. I know you feel like you are in hell. Take care of yourself and your kids, stay strong, but know it's OK to hurt, to cry, to get angry, to feel. Post here early and often. We are all here for you.

3. This is NOT your fault. You will feel guilt, have those "what if I did this or that" questions go through your head, etc. I still go there often, and SI helps bring me back. The affair is 100% on the wayward. This is NOT your fault.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 1:35 PM, March 17th (Monday)]

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.” - Dave Mustaine

"A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to it's face."

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas

Tom67♂ 42664Member # 42664

Posted: 1:37 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014

You need info on the other man and after that you need to expose to family and friends as you see fit that is the best way to stop the affair.
Take your time she is on your timetable now.