So many feels; so many emotions. Hate, anger, and shame spinning around my head as I think back on the days after my rape. I’ve written about this before, and have told those close to me that I probably won’t write about it again. Yet, here I am. The case involving RAPIST Brock Turner has invoked something inside me that can’t be held down any longer.

I was young, and stupid — blah, blah. We can all make silly claims about ourselves, but here I am, BLAMING my behavior instead of that of a CRIMINAL’s.

“I should have known better!”

“I should have listened to my friends!”

“I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO LOUDER!”

That’s my favorite recurring thought. I should have said no louder? Really, Liza? Sometimes I disgust myself!

Here’s the gist: I met a bad boy, who wanted more from me than I wanted to give. After I said no to sex, he threatened me with the knife that laid in wait in his glove compartment, and also with his build (he had much more strength than I did.) I didn’t even realize what I had gone through was rape until I spoke to my friends, who clued me in. No is no.

Did I tell authorities? My parents? No, and no. I was afraid he would kill me (turns out he killed his wife a few years ago before committing suicide), or hurt my parents.

Why does this matter? How does Brock come into this? Well, he was only handed a short sentence because “he wouldn’t do well in prison”; while his father wrote a letter explaining how poor Brock can’t even eat steak anymore. Let me tell you why this matters: A WHITE MAN CAN’T EAT STEAK BECAUSE HE HAS THE SADS THAT HE GOT CAUGHT! Hang on while I grab a tissue to wipe my tears.

If this were a black man…

If this were a black man, not only would his mug shot have been posted almost immediately, but the media would have had every single last documentation of spilled milk released on the man as fast as you can dial 9-1-1.

If this were a black man, not only would he be imprisoned for the max sentence, he sure as hell wouldn’t have the luxury of people writing letters on his behalf.

If this were a black man, he’d be guilty before he was even accused.

Because he’s a white guy…

Because he’s a white guy, he has the privilege of getting a soft 6 months; white guys can’t handle prison like those of other races, obviously.

Because he’s a white guy, there’s probably a lot of doubt in the minds of those close to him of his guilt; poor, richie-rich Brock, being accused of rape, would never do such a thing.

What happened to the victim? I don’t know her personally, but speaking from experience, unlike Brock, we will suffer a LIFE SENTENCE: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety. These feelings of betrayal, humiliation, shame, and fear don’t just go away because a judge snapped his fingers.

We need to stop victim blaming. We need to stop encouraging girls to think they have control over someone else’s actions, and that we should be embarrassed because another human being hurt us.

We need to start to teaching our boys that no is NO. We need to start keeping these discussions active. We can’t just talk about it when it happens, then let it disappear into the never-ending 24 hour news cycle abyss.

It’ll keep happening if we push these tales of human failure aside. It’ll keep happening if we don’t start speaking up for those that don’t have a voice; those that were hurt so badly, they can’t process what happened. Let’s end life sentences for victims, and start life sentences for criminals.