2.21.2008

Visited the midwife today. Mine's out of town, so I saw someone else, which is fine. She was very nice, and she said my blood work turned out great, and my blood pressure is low. We listened for the baby's heartbeat with a fetal doppler, but we couldn't hear it. It's still early to be able to hear the heartbeat, though, so we'll try again next month.

My brother went back home today, which is a little bit relieving. It's just hard to be hospitable when you are worn out and hungry. Not that he's a demanding guest. He even did the dishes once! Doing the dishes is the way to my heart.

I'm reading Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions", it's her journal from the first year of her son's life. I've always loved her work, and this is no exception. She's just so candid. Her words are hilarious and heart-wrenching all at once. It seems I have a lot of weird, gross experiences to look forward to, as well as the wonder of experiencing the miracle of life.

I read an article in Spin magazine about being married to a band, and the sadness of loving a band even when they won't quit making music. It's called, humorously, "What happens when bands you love don't know when to stop". The writer talks about a relationship with Radiohead, and that they are wonderful artists but "slogging through their body of work can get so damn exhausting. Being in love with a band on the Hall of Fame career track is like maintaining a long-term relationship with that eccentric brooder you met in college . . "

This cracked me up in delight. I am indeed married to Radiohead. They are to me what Tori Amos is to Jamie. No matter what, for as long as they and I live, I will listen to every new and old album they create, every b-side that got lost in couch cushions and was dusted off by a wayward college radio station dj. I am committed to making this work. They are the eccentric brooder I met in high school and fell in love with, heart and soul. And I am forever entwined in this love.

I also read about their surprise show in London. And I ached with disbelief, why in the world was I not in London?!

Something to work on: gaining weight/eating more/eating healthier. I didn't gain any weight over the past month, which is okay by me, but this is the new me, with a baby inside, so I'm supposed to be putting on maybe a pound or so every couple of weeks. I also need to eat more. And more often. And healthier. How am I supposed to be eating these amazing, balanced, life-giving meals all the time? I have no idea. I'm up to my neck in assignments and fatigue. Hell, I haven't done the dishes in two days. Again! I'm such a rebel dishwasher. Hah. I'm supposed to be eating so much! I read this packet of info the community birth center gave me, and they put a big emphasis on eating a healthy well balanced diet during pregnancy, so they include a print-out of an example of one day. There is a snack or meal every two hours, exactly. There is a total calorie count of 2400. I probably haven't been reaching 1800, much less 600 more than that. I eat like a bird, and I don't know how I'm supposed to whip up all these healthy snacks and meals all the time. Even though our fridge and pantry are stocked, when I open either door, I just feel like grazing. Some grapes here, an ice cream sandwich there, a granola bar, some popcorn, a salad consisting solely of romaine and ranch dressing. This is not healthy eating. I need help.

Also: the packet declares that for three days after birth, mom (that's me!) needs complete bed-rest, and may not be left alone at all for those three days. I need a constant companion, who will help me, and help take care of the baby while I sleep my head off. Jamie, if you will, you are my first choice. Here's my plan for you: when I start dilating, Scott or I will call you. You can then jump on a plane at your earliest convenience, and stay with me for a few days. How does that plan sound?

2.20.2008

Dreams last night were strange. Going through a tunnel, we found a golden egg. There were a lot of other events in the dreams, but I don't remember them. Oh, except that right before I woke up, I was about to drink some chocolate milk. So now I'm left with with a desperate thirst that only chocolate milk can quench.

We'll go to see the midwife on Thursday this week, just for a check-up. All that entails is checking my urine for different things, weighing me, then she looks at my fingernails, my eyes, and asks me a lot of questions just about how I'm feeling and everything.

They're really wonderful at the community birth center.

Other than that, dishes continue to pile up until I break down every three or four days and have to wash ALL of them. You think I'd just do a few every day, and save the hassle of the fifteen minute sessions every few days, but that's not the case.

David visiting is interesting. He and I have opposing political views, but I'm wondering if he just borrowed his from mom. His music tastes are also extremely different from mine, and all the stuff he listens to is starting to get to me. Oh well, he'll be leaving in a day or two. He is a good guy, and honest, and smart, and honorable. And that's more than anyone could ask for.

2.10.2008

Compared to the last post, I'm in a whole new world.Unexpected things happened today.1. I truly thought my work schedule was 12.30pm - 9pm, but when I got to work I found out that I ended work at 5.45pm. It was a miracle.2. I tried to do the pieces of fruit for ceramics homework, but when I got to the studio, there was no clay left. This is hard because the homework is due tomorrow morning and tonight was the first chance I had to get to it, and now it can't be done. It's also good because I need to learn to embrace failure, and I am going to fail this assignment because it's impossible to make clay fruit without clay.3. I talked to Lizzie, an amazingly talented young lady I met in the ceramics studio while I didn't make clay fruit. We talked about a lot of things, and I feel honored to have made her acquaintance.4. Today was the first day in the past three or four weeks that I haven't felt overwhelmingly nauseous every minute of the day.

So, I still have to do my paper for film class, and I failed at doing half of my ceramics homework, but I felt better today and talked for nearly an hour with a new friend.Here's the question of the day/week/life: Where/in whom do you place your treasure?I've got to stop being consumed with myself and my nausea, and start being consumed with how amazing God is, and being consumed with communicating with him, and giving my worries up to him.

Scott and I are doing well, right now the house is a mess and there's not enough food, but soon our week will slow (I hope!) and I'll do some dishes and we'll get to the grocery store.Today I had this outburst about getting a present for Valentine's Day. I'm a spoiled brat who thinks I need a present, because I didn't get one for my birthday, and because I like presents. Who doesn't? Anyway, it was probably uncalled for, but it felt good, because sometimes I am unwilling to tell Scott what is important to me. I think that with a present, what is important is that it's an object that someone gives you because they have thought of you, and decided on something that you would enjoy. I would like something small, and sweet. Nothing practical, because I always want practical things for Christmas.I'm contemplating returning the climbing shoes for good, and getting a store credit or something. I feel like a fraud. I haven't climbed in a long time, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to or want to again. Besides, if anyone deserves a present around here, it's Scott. Maybe he could use the store credit for something he wants.

In other news, I love these ceramics artists: Kaori Tatebayashi, Karen Swyler, Justin Novak, Gabriele Koch, and Carina Ciscato. It helps to look at their work because one day hopefully I'll be making work that I want to make, instead of a 26 inch cylinder or hollow clay fruit, which are just assignments that are hard to find time for. Unless I work with porcelain, the ascetic that I long for will be impossible.And I still want to resume massage therapy. Maybe it's more important than an undergraduate degree, I haven't decided yet.