I could be wrong, but I bet a bunch of us feel unsettled yet again by the latest news. Trayvon. His killer goes free. A woman in FL gets 20 years because she shot a gun in self-defense. Like my wise friend said, “Were we really surprised by this?” No, we weren’t…but we’re still saddened over it.

And…I’m going to save my specific opinions on these topics for those unlucky enough to be my facebook friends…but it got me thinking. About being judged by your appearance.

And before I go, let me clarify: I know nothing about being black. I try to, but cannot even imagine the silent injustices one experiences on a daily basis if you are. So, can I say, “I know exactly how you feel!” No, no I do not. But I do know how it is to be judged on your appearance, and that’s how I *try* to identify. I also know what it’s like to be in a gender that is still viewed as unequal. Case in point:

It was 2002, and I was working at a large ice cream store in a nearby town. I did some admin work for the company; I was basically an assistant who did the menial work while I was home from college. I, despite being unhealthy at times, have always took pride in my appearance, and dressed up every day for work. Skirts, dresses, heels. Nothing inappropriate, just tasteful. Since I didn’t work in the ice cream stand, I didn’t have to wear shorts and sneakers, so I didn’t. Just wasn’t my style.

One day, my friend and boss came over to me and whispered something I’ll never forget.

“Amanda, the big boss (names have been hidden) wants you to stop wearing dresses and skirts because the boys are getting distracted by you.”

Legit.

And can I tell you? Not that it matters, but I’ve never been a risque dresser. (I use the word risque because I hate the word slut because….it’s a discriminatory female word.) No plunging necklines, no skirts above the knees. Just a crotchety old elderly female owner who came from another time and wanted to set me back 50 years, too. (And, she was probably jealous.)

Never MIND that men actually do have accountability when it comes to the question of, “Hey, should I drool over that woman I find attractive?” or “Hmmm, maybe I should be professional and appropriate and buckle down to work.” Which is what women have been doing for centuries while we smile on the inside about your charming sense of humor or bulging biceps.

Anyway, once again, I was sent the message, “Hide your body.”

And,

“It’s your fault.”

Which is funny, because there are sexual harassment laws which protect us today from situations like that. Situations in which I could have been considered the victim if I was talked to, looked at or touched inappropriately.

Just like Trayvon was the victim. And again, it’s his fault.

Because of appearance.

And so many people will try to contest that he wasn’t a purely innocent victim, that he fought back…because the people with power don’t want to work hard and look at the fact that we’re stuck in the 1950’s in some ways. Because they’ve never had to.

Well yes, they are. And you are contributing to many a woman’s death, on a daily basis, all for your love of money.

Stop trying to kill my sisters. Or my daughter, for that matter.

What if you, instead, chose to publish an un-airbrushed, average looking lady on your cover? Might that young pre-teen you’re selling to have not chosen to go on a 500-calorie a day diet? Maybe, maybe not. Even if you’re not the direct cause, you’re part of the equation.

And when the women who don’t kill themselves via starvation give up on attaining that perfect ideal, they swing the other way. They start binging, because they just as well might give up and “get fat because there’s no hope for me anyway.” You may have heard of an epidemic called “obesity.” You play a part in that.

They buy into your bullshit because you’ve inundated them with false truths since the moment they were born. Society’s values do a number on them too – “sweet, cute, Daddy’s little girl.” Pushed down by the patriarchy as soon as they can breathe air.

Oh, and stop trying to kill our mothers.

The other day, I heard a husband joke about giving his wife 6 months post-partum to appear as if she never had a baby. Behind the joking that made me want to stick a needle in my eye – there is truth. A million of your articles have been dedicated to women pretending as if they never took part in assisting the human race in surviving. Makes sense.

Keeping women insecure earns a lot of money for you. How do you sleep at night? How do you live with yourself?

Either way, it’s got to stop. You make my new-mother friend feel like she should weigh less, you make my daughter the subject of weight stereotypes, and you make me feel like my genetic spider veins are little spindles of evil on my pasty-white, untanned-and-therefore-unappealing skin.

STOP.

(Another Piece of Cake realizes there are healthy ad campaigns out there, and applauds them! Another Piece of Cake also realizes men are hit hard by the media too, but Another Piece of Cake only writes about women because she’s, well…a woman.)

I am LOVING this Friday’s Blissful Body Friday link. This was sent to me by Jen R, a very hip, astute young lady I went to college with. In this article, Serge Bielanko writes about the ever-changing female perfect-body-ideal. I blogged about this in a past entry, but Serge Bielanko attached all these awesome pictures to illustrate the crazy, ephemeral change of what is supposed to be attractive.

Do you know why I included this as a Blissful Body Friday entry? Because this article illustrates how beauty is so damn arbitrary. Hate your broad back? Wait until 2085, then it’ll be attractive to society. Want to get surgery for your cellulite? In 3546 it will be the tattoos of today. For heaven’s sake, unibrows could be in style one day.

I’ve spent a long time thinking about how I can market this blog, make it bigger, more accessible, increase the traffic so it can reach more ED sufferers and those in recovery (from bad body image or an ED), and I’ve concluded –

This blog will never be popular.

This is not pessimistic, this is a realistic viewpoint.

And these are my reasons why:

1.Some readers think I’m pro-fat. I’m not. I’m pro-health. And sometimes being healthy also means being overweight. Given that the current trend is panicking about any “bad” foods or “bad” eating patterns, this “grey-area” blog is not going to go viral anytime soon in this all or nothing thinking world. (“Either you’re fat and unhealthy or thin and healthy!” Nope, nope, that’s just not true. And what about emotional health?)

2.People LOVE trends. LOVE. What’s more appealing than a new quick fix all the cool kids are trying out? Let’s take an example – Paleo. (Just using that because it seems to be the “trendiest” right now.) Can some people turn this into a permanent lifestyle? Very few, I think. The thing about trends is that they’re never sustainable. History has proven it. Powdered faces with the hairline shaven back? Gone with the medieval times. Or something. White lipstick? My mother dabbled with it in the sixties. Paleo? Probably gone just as quick.

Now, is Paleo healthy? Absolutely, parts of it. But it’s the fact that it’s a trend that will ultimately be the demise of it. Something else will come along that people will latch onto and try. and it will be left in the dust.

My blog doesn’t focus on trends – it asks you to do the longterm, day-at-a-time work. The internal work, not the “change your outsides so you have a temporary high” work.

3. Diets Make Money. I could google it, but I’m going to assume that the diet industry makes millions of dollars each year off of people buying into their particular cookbooks, their programs, and low-carb cheesecakes. So, when I say they’re bullshit, this will obviously earn a quick snub from most viewers. Why? They invested money in a product and they don’t want to be told it was for nothing, or for little, or for temporarily. They want that investment to mean something. And I’m threatening that.

So, that’s part of why I think this blog will never be popular.

(Like not being popular has ever stopped me before….)

And an anecdote to finish this off. Recently, I was sitting with my therapist, and said, “You know, I think I’ve found the secret to a healthy weight and healthy life.”

When I was 15 and obsessed with Hollywood, I LOVED fashion magazines. I pored through them, gazing longingly at the designer outfits that hung off the waif-thin frames. I was entranced by all of it. I wanted to be a part of it. I felt like I could obtain the celebrity they had because of the massive amount of weight I had lost already. I was that thin.

But as time went on, I became sicker from my disease and found that keeping up with the Kate Moss’s and the Halle Berry’s of the world became harder and harder. I started to resent myself whenever I saw them or leafed through InStyle, because I wasn’t measuring up. I was heavier. I became disgusted with myself.

And when I finally started to recover, I noticed that picking up those magazines was like a slippery slope back into comparison-world. I didn’t have the clothes they had. I was 20 lbs. heavier than some movie stars. The head would start spinning.

So today, I don’t read them at all.* You probably know by now that a study was done back in 2007 that proved that women, regardless of weight, feel worse about themselves after looking at a fashion mag.

That being said…I had to mention something my friend Liz passed along today (trigger warning)

So by now we’ve all heard about the Abercrombie and Fitch ridiculousness. Let’s review a couple of facts/key players.

There’s this guy, Mike Jeffries, the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch –

And he said this –

“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

He also said –

“I don’t want our core customers to see people who aren’t as hot as them wearing our clothing.”

And A&F does not provide women’s XL sizes OR pant sizes above a size 10. Which is stupid, because people’s mere height can warrant a size 12, but I digress.

OK, so, the best point I can think of is the one my friend Brennan said. She said something like, “I think the psychopathology is pretty clear here.”

She’s right. I mean, he’s 65, and appears to have had a lot of plastic surgery done. HE appears to be the one with the image problem, not US.

He reminds me a lot of the guy who wrote Maggie Goes On A Diet, which I blogged about here. The guy who wrote that book had weight issues of his own at one point, if I remember correctly, and then proceeded to project his shit all onto 8 year old girls who should supposedly lose weight and then magically gain self-worth (basic plot of the book).

So, I’m guessing Mike Jeffries is the same. Mike Jeffries was unpopular at some point, or was “fat”, or was “ugly”, and rose above it in his mind by changing his appearance and creating a company who markets only to the pretty person he’s always wanted to be.

So do we need to be mad at Mike Jeffries?

(Well, duh, at least a little bit. I mean, I did scream, “BOYCOTT! BOYCOTT!” in front of the A&F store at the Burlington Mall, embarassing my boyfriend and brother – )

Not really.

Yup, that’s right. We need to feel sorry for him. Because somewhere, way below the money and power and Botox, there is a little boy who is screaming to be liked. To be approved of.

Happy Friday, all! I hope you’re having a great one. My daughter and I spent the morning at a music group, and a friend is stopping by for a visit later on. Good stuff.

So, I don’t know if this is blissful, Media-Monday worthy, or just plain realistic, but I found this article on my friend Jen’s FB page. In it, it shows comparisons of Hollywood celebrities during photo shoots, and then during day to day activities (ie. without any photoshopping or makeup). I sort of feel bad for posting it, because it’s almost more of the same (critiquing women’s bodies), but at the same time, I’m betting the celebrities are often willing participants in the Hollywood “game” and I feel it’s important for us “normals” to have a reality check on how, well, they look just like us. All I know is that it helped me to reality-check myself, because we usually take these airbrushed images at face value. Let me know what you think – triggering, or helpful?

Happy Monday! I’m gonna take a break from my “media watchdog” status and post something from the media that is BODY POSITIVE – or at least, I think so. My fabulous friend Liz let me know about the My Body Gallery, a site that is dedicated to portraying an accurate depiction of what REAL women look like. The coolest part, in my opinion, is the place where you can type in your height and weight and see pictures of other real women. For the women I spoke to, this was a wakeup call – as in, “Hey I look better than I thought!” Why? Because often we view ourselves more negatively than we do others. However this could be a trigger for some – so you have been warned.

I’m looking to link a bunch of Recovery Blogs on my “Links” page. I’m all for the ED Recovery community connecting and supporting each other. So, if you want your link on my page, you should meet only a few requirements:

Meta

My mother, who is compassionate to a fault and takes care of all living things, even the insects, complains when I don’t tolerate family gossiping about me because she is more committed to order than justice. She wishes I would try harder with people who have told me I never should have been a mother. […]