A Man of Forty

I'm forty now, and forty years is a whole life -- forty is deep
old age. It's indecent, vulgar, and immoral to live beyond forty!
Who lives beyond forty? Answer me honestly. Or let me tell you
then: fools and good-for-nothings. I'll repeat that to the face
of any of those venerable patriarchs, those respected grayheads,
for the whole world to hear. And I have a right to say it, for
I'll live to be sixty. I'll live to be seventy! I'll live to be
eighty! Wait, give me a chance to catch my breath...

Fyodor Dostoevsky in Notes from Underground

Famous karate master Tsutomu Ohshima told me when I was twenty-one
that it would be like this: "You'll look at yourself at 40 and think
'Not bad -- almost as good as new!'" Well, I stand before you today
a man of 40. Let us now examine the current state of affairs, and
the process that has led to it. First, the physical facts: complete
hair and teeth; a trifling amount of lower back pain (but exceptional
overall fitness); and fully functional personal apparatus thank
you very much. In short, almost as good as new. Moreover, I remind
you it is generally understood outside of Russian literature that
life begins at 40. A man feels special at 40, like he can do anything.
He is both plenty old and plenty young. He has the face he deserves
and there is nothing beyond his reach.

My fortieth birthday came in the year 2000 -- the trendiest and most
shiny number we have ever had for a year, and a compelling symbol
of modern vigor for today's 40-year-old man. Since I was born in
1960, my personal decades correspond exactly to the 1960s, 1970s,
et cetera. In this context my private tale becomes nothing short
of a grand allegorical account of the past four decades of human
history. Or something.

Decade One: The 1960s: Age 0-9

A decade of remarkable change in
my life, as I progressed suddenly from nothingness to existence
and thenceforth steadily to the fourth grade. The milieu: Long
Island, New York. Highlights from this period include Richard
Culoso and his astonishing "naked lady pen," an ongoing rivalry
with Diana Hoeger for the title of spelling bee champion, and
the landing of men on the moon, after which all things were declared
officially possible. On the downside, I was forced to wet my pants
rather publicly once in third grade, since going to the bathroom
had been forbidden me due to excessive pretending about having
to go when I didn't really have to. A classic "boy who cried wolf"
tale, and still a bitter pill.

Major cultural influences: Bugs
Bunny, Batman, I Dream of Jeannie.

Stuff that was going on that I didn't
really care about at the time: The Beatles; war; acid; social
unrest.

Decade Two: The 1970s: Age 10-19

This period started in fifth grade,
ended in college, and included everything in between. Kim Dunikowski
and Theresa Clark arrived in sixth grade sporting breasts, startling
everyone and issuing us suddenly into a radically different world.
We reacted more or less like monkeys at a monolith -- cautious wonder
at first, followed by lots of howling and jumping. Of course,
puberty struck us all eventually and forced us to hide our Johnny
Astro helmets and assume more sexually viable identities. Other
highlights of this period include silky polyester "ooh" shirts
and rolling a car at high speed without being injured even though
nobody was wearing seatbelts. On the downside: One night in 1976
we ended up hanging out with an older guy in his mid-twenties,
requiring us all to be at our coolest; I puked my beer-and-spaghetti-filled
guts out all over his stoop.

Stuff that was going on that I didn't
really care about at the time: Disco; Watergate; the "oil shocks."

Decade Three: The 1980s: Age 20-29

Going to college, dropping out of
college, working in Taco Bell, finishing college, playing in a
band, working in restaurants, rooting for the Lakers: It wasn't
until 1987 that I first got the "hey wait a minute" feeling and
started thinking about making a plan of some kind. Employing a
strategy of blind, random leaping, I ended up by 1989 in graduate
school in Washington DC and employed as an intern by a large nonprofit
organization, where I still work today, but not in Washington,
and not as an intern. Highlights of this period include a sense
of reckless abandon; a new appreciation of everything that was
going on in the 1960s that I didn't care about at the time; and
five Los Angeles Lakers championships. On the downside: The Celtics
won three.

Stuff that was going on that I didn't
really care about at the time: Junk bonds; Ronald Reagan; the
"brat pack."

Decade Four: The 1990s: Age 30-39

Through no fault of my own, there
were alarming periodic improvements in my job through a series
of timely retirements and so forth; evil forces were clearly conspiring
to keep me in Washington DC permanently. Therefore at the end
of the decade I fled back to goodly New England to hide in a condominium
with my newly acquired wife until it was safe to come out. Other
highlights of this period include pool lessons from an old-time
pool guy named Gus and the emergence of knit boxers as a viable
form of underpant. The downside: Crushing victory of global monopoly
capitalism dashes hopes of emergent love-based system of equitable
resource sharing.

Stuff that was going on that I didn't
really care about at the time: The Gulf War; handheld wireless
communications; the US economy.

There it is, forty years -- a whole life.
Regrets? Sure; let me tell you a little story. When I was in second
grade, the "pretty ugly" joke was enjoying currency among my peers.
It worked like this: You'd go up to a girl and say "Gee, you're
pretty"; when she started blushing and saying thanks, you'd add
"pretty ugly." Well I pulled that joke on Maryann Ciotti. In fact,
she was a very pretty girl, but her whole face fell and she looked
like she was going to cry. I've always wanted to apologize for that,
so here we go: Maryann -- I'm sorry; I didn't mean it; you really are
pretty. At least, you were back then. But you're 40 now. So how's
it going with you?

Comments

Name

Subject

Comment

18 May 2012 01:47:03Richard Culoso

Hey John,
It's Richard Culoso.
I guess that pen made quite the impression!
If you read this, email me at
Admin@RandRMarketing.com
I'd love to catch up.

4 March 2010 06:40:34Vanessa

am 28 now and dating a 40year old, wow it the best choice ever!

19 November 2007 06:28:45John

John B-P! Good to hear from you! Send me some email and let me know how you are doing!

16 November 2007 19:08:49John B-P, ex-AAU, Ghana

Amazing life story, as beautiful as its bearer.

29 May 2007 12:05:27John

Yeah, forty is good, no doubt. You're not too young for anything anymore, and you're not too old for anything either. Except possibly an NBA career...

25 May 2007 14:50:20Shannon

Loved it. I am 27 and think that a forty year old man is the perfect age for a partner for me.
Forty Rocks!