Saturday, October 15, 2016

I’ve
been listening to ESPN radio all day at work so I hear the same commercials
over and over again in between show segments. A new one popped up last week
starring none other than Chuck “I used to be Famous” Woolery. You know you have
a small advertising budget when you’re doing a radio spot, not TV, and the best
voice guy you can afford is a) a game show host and b) hasn’t been popular in
20 years.

“We need a recognizable voice for our
commercial. Who can we get?”

“An actor?”

“No, too expensive.”

“A singer?”

“They cost more than actors.”

“A game show host?”

“That’s it. Get me Wink Martindale.”

“Already tried, he turned us down.”

“Shit! All right, call Woolery.”

“He’s been in the lobby for a week
looking for work.”

The
product is Australian Dream Back Pain Cream. Not making that up, it’s an actual
product for sale everywhere currency is exchanged for goods. My favorite part
of the commercial is after the Chuckster names the product, his next words are
“It’s real medicine.”

You
hear that? Those are alarm bells. Those are Klaxons blaring, warning you about
this product. When you see a commercial for cough syrup, medicated powder, Viagra,
cholesterol meds, whatever, at no point do they ever say the words “its real
medicine!”

If
you have to tell me that it’s legitimate, you’ve actually told me it’s not.

All
these years my picture of Australia was blue water, beautiful women, kangaroos
and Crocodile Dundee. It turns out, their providing employment for washed-up
American emcees and curing our aches and pains with clean, no odor balm with a
capricious rhyming name. They should have gotten Paul Hogan to do the commercial
though.

“You call that a tube of arthritis
cream? This is a tube of arthritis cream.”

Thursday, October 6, 2016

I’m a big fan of the singer Sarah McLachlan so I
follow her official Facebook page where she posts song links, pictures and
sometimes inspirational quotes. Last evening I found the quote she posted to be
very meaningful so I liked it and then shared it. As I continued perusing FB,
maybe 20 minutes later, I get a notification that I’ve received a friend
request from Sarah McLachlan.

Hmmm.

That’s odd.

Internationally famous singer/songwriter Sarah
McLachlan wants to be friends on FB with me, who, she’s not only never met, but
has never interacted with in her life. Literally doesn’t know I exist. If you
said my name to her she would tilt her head like a dog who wonders why the cat
is eating his food.

Hmmm.

I went to the page and there were 2 pictures of
Sarah, both taken directly from her website or FB fan page. And nothing else.

There was no information, no other pictures, no
posts and no friends.

How stupid does someone think I am? I mean this is
just insulting. I get friend requests all the time from obviously fake FB
accounts but they usually have dozens of “friends”, a couple of pictures, maybe
an innocuous post or two. And most importantly none were ever from someone who
has started their own summer music festival.

I got a request once from a guy in an eastern
European country. The entire page was in his own language and all his “friends”
were eastern European, but he did not have 7 Billboard top 100 songs.

Being a man, I used to get a lot of requests from
women in bikinis or lingerie advertising their web sites. But I’ve never gotten
one from a woman who has appeared on David Letterman, the Tonight Show, SNL and
has her own ASPCA commercial.

I don’t know who really sent the friend request or
what their purpose was but I didn’t fall for it.

Now, having said that, if Sarah McLachlan created a
new page just to be friends with me on FB and I rejected the friend request,
then I’m probably out of the fan club.