Saturday, June 17, 2006

G Is for Gross (not for General Audiences)

STOP READING NOW, unless you have a strong stomach.

This morning was my weekly long run with the DC Road Runners, 12.5 miles, starting at Iwo Jima Memorial, running thru scenic downtown D.C., past all the momuments, up past the Capitol Building, all the way to RFK stadium and back. My marathon "group" joins the DCRR weekly Saturday long runs for our long runs. For me, there's no real group. I started the run with the woman I was the Good Egg to last week, but I had already decided I was running my own pace this week. (She ended up dropping out.) We were both last for the first 2 miles, and then she fell behind me. I could see one other woman ahead of me, who was walk/running, so I caught up with her every 10 minutes or so.

Other than that gal, who soon lost me, too, I was on my own. (Well, me and 10 million tourists.)

So, right around mile 3, I noticed a certain urge.

No portapotties anywhere that I could see, and the Smithsonian wouldn't open for several hours.

Suck it up, I told myself. Distract self.

So, I did. I ran up Capitol Hill, to RFK Stadium, the turnaround, guzzling water along the way. At six miles I took 3 Clif Blocks (fatal error? jury still out).

Things were getting serious. I ran past the Supreme Court, the Library of Congress, the Capitol. Not the kind of places to welcome a sweaty runner with an urgent need with open arms. They're funny that way.

I was now consumed with finding a bathroom, a tree, a tent, anything. I had but one goal, and one goal only. And it was not finishing a 12.5 mile run in any number of minutes.

This is where it got fun. I jogged from museum to museum. No luck. I ran off course to the National Mall where the National Folklife Festival was being set up and where I finally spied a portapotty; I ran like hell towards it ... only to find it was locked. I nearly wept. (Tell me, please, what kind of maniac LOCKS a portapotty??? What is there INSIDE that is worth stealing? @!$!~!!!!)

Onward, onward. I still thought I had some time. (Ha.) I knew there were three of the most disgusting portapotties on earth at the base of the Washington Monument. And when they came into view, I hurtled over little old ladies, pushed through groups of people stopping to take video of the stationary Washington Monument (it's not like it's gonna up and do a dance or anything!) and ran over mothers pushing strollers, to get into the only open john.

That's when I discovered that my body had gone on ahead without my knowledge, or consent. It had done what needed doing.

How did I not know this? Well, I had lycra shorts on, so I guess...oh, who the hell knows?? What I do know is at mile 9ish, I was stuck in the smelliest, most disgusting portapotty with...how do I say this delicately? Well, my shorts were full!

Oh the humanity!

I had to strip, throw out undergarments, use water bottle to clean self, clean shorts ...oh. my. dear. god.

And then?? And then I had to put those now befouled, sweaty, wet lycra shorts back on, up over my new WRIGHT SOCKS, leaving, um, traces, requiring more squirting of water from bottle, and endless rubbing with toliet paper...

Oh the humanity!

All this while I was frying to death in this hell-hole ... with people pounding on the door every two seconds, just to add to the excitement!

At some point, the ridiculous-ness of the situation hit me. I mean really. What does one do in this situation? Where are the books on THIS?!?

And, as though that wasn't horrifying enough, after getting reasonably clean (not really: I was a mess), I then had to run four more miles. Sigh.

The good news? I totally forgot all about the pain from my blisters!! And that's the end of the good news roundup!

Have you ever run four miles in wet smelly befouled lycra shorts? No??

Yeah.

I am proud (yes, I am claiming proudness; I have some dignity left) to say that I ran the entire way back to Iwo Jima. Where I was indeed the very last runner to come in. I figure I spent about 15 minutes in the bowels of hell (get it?!) so I'm guessing my time would have been about 2:30ish. Which is pretty damn good, all things considered.

After much disinfecting of body, clothes, car, and anything else I touched, I spent the rest of my Saturday carefully examining my diet, and consulting Dr. Internet, who helped me narrow the cause: I used milk on cereal on Friday and Saturday mornings. I haven't had milk in years. I only drink soy milk, but we were out, so ...

There's a REASON why all of my running shorts are dark colours! Gotta say, your incident has made me feel much better about my less-spectacular one last month (May 22).

That lesson learned is also why I'm up at 4friggin30 this morning eating toast and drinking strong coffee, in desperate hopes that the Shreddies I ate last night will make their way through before my 7 a.m. group 20 miler this morning.

Thanks for sharing not just your best moments, but your worst. Not quitting after THAT shows, um, guts.

ohhhhhhh that sounds rough, but we have all been there at one point or another in our lives. Glad to see you have a sense of humor about it. A friend of mine sharted in Target one day with her five year old and HAD to get her errand done. The five year old asked, "mom what stinks" she responded, shhhh it's mommy now be quiet and maybe we will both get out of here alive.

Ok, that's it. You are my official hero! I thought you running while suffering with those blisters was admirable enough, but running another 4 miles after your latest debacle? I mean, I would've thrown in the towel (clothes?).

This really helps to put my bad run in perspective. I need to quit whining!

Think: It's mile 18 of California International, and I had to go BAD. I made it to mile 19 only to find that there wasn't any portapotties at that mile. By mile 20, I was in your situation. Lycra tights! No fun. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy the last 6.2 miles of that marathon very much.

Your course of action is one that's been employed by many, many urban runners who don't work certain elements out of their system prior. I'd lobby for more routes that include convenience stores or fast food restaurants along the course. They're lifesavers in times like these.

oh man! Thanks for sharing your story - really...As someone who is obsessed with GI issues while running I feel for you. Way to push on- I would have probably cried, called home to a ride, and hid in a corner. Immodium- nice to have in a bind, it has saved me twice now!

I am sorry we are laughing, but we are laughing with you , not at you. Almost all of us have had some sort of GI issues on the "run". Yours just seems a little worse now. Congrats on sticking with it...you are a trooper!!!

Oh my God!!!Away from the internet for 10 days and this is what I come back too!!!You had me leaning back in my chair at working belly laughing!!!God bless you!I really "do" feel bad for your adventure..LOL! No, really I do.Maybe it was better not to know you'd passed the time limit before you got into the porta potty from hell...You are a runner, no doubt's about it!

That's AWESOME!!! If this is your first GI-based running story, then consider yourself initiated. It's a fact of the runner's life. Well put! I think we should ALL have to share our "most embarassing moments" or anything that is self-depricating. It really IS endearing! Thanks!

Oh, Jeanne! I have to tell you, I literally laughed out loud (multiple times) reading this! You are TOO FUNNY! Additionally, you are the epitome of determination....for exiting that blue box and finishing the run! Wow!

Thank you for sharing such an embarassing moment! That was a well told and hilarious story. Great job finishing the run too. I still don't think I am ready to share my similar story but I am one step closer.

Okay, I betcha it took A LOAD OFF your mind to tell that story publicly.

Hoot and Double Hoot..

It coulda been worse, at a race one hot September day, I saw a fella in much the same condition as yours, however, he couldn't wait for the portapotty line, so he dropped 'em (and it) right there behind the potty for the world to see.