We don’t talk about sex in retirement, do we?

By far the most-commented-on chapter in my book Retirement Ready? is ‘Let’s talk about sex’. I’ve been surprised by this response. It seems like it was an unexpected topic.

And yet sex is a normal, natural and healthy part of a couple’s relationship—at whatever age. Ageing can impact on sexual functioning, of course, and that’s when we need to know what we can do to help or to work with it.

It’s more than a joke

Most comments about the chapter have been jokes in a variety of forms. Perhaps that’s confirmation that we really don’t like talking about it.

In the chapter on sex in Retirement Ready? I use a joke/comment I’d heard that gives a rough guide to the possibilities (mostly not permanent) of male impotence. Last week, I bumped into a friend of mine in his 40s. He said, ‘I’ve got your book.’ He paused for a moment. Then . . .

‘So, 50 per cent of men in their 50s; 60 per cent of men in their 60s; 70 per cent of men in their 70s; 80 per cent of men in their 80s; 90 per cent of men in their 90s; that’s why no man wants to reach 100.’ He laughed and walked on.

For others 20 years or so off retirement age, the question has been why? Why would you discuss sex in a book about retirement? It’s as if they’re asking if people still have sex at retirement age.

Then there was a friend, about my age, who’d read Retirement Ready? He had worked in the retirement industry and congratulated me on the book. He said he liked it because it was real. Then he told me that he’d had prostate cancer. Prostate cancer and its treatment can cause issues in sexual functioning.

Whatever the reason, sex isn’t a joke for many people.

It’s an awkward topic

Yes, it is.

I find it hard to fathom that Baby Boomers have difficulties talking about sex. Weren’t we the ones who lived through the 60s when sexual freedoms were taken and encouraged?

The problem is that while it’s openly discussed in the media and is a significant part of popular entertainment and culture, it seems we have difficulty talking one-on-one about the issues we may have.

Particularly to the one we are closest to.

That can be tragic for the couple. If there are issues—any issues—in a relationship that aren’t talked through, the tension and frustration mounts. And even a sense of hopelessness.

He reckons that for many, it’s easier to talk about sex with friends than it is with your sexual partner because of the anxiety these intimate subjects and acts create. He makes the following points:

Timing is key. If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, doing this during sex is not a good time. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation.

Be honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only half bring things up.

Avoid placing blame and attacking. Anytime a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively. It’s part of our survival technique. Talk about your experience, your thoughts, and your feelings. This will still impact your partner and may possibly hurt, but it increases the chances that you will be heard.

Ask questions. Seek to hear their side of things to be clear on their perspective. This is especially good advice if you have a partner who’s reluctant to have this conversation.

Listen. Slowing down to really listen can help keep the conversation calm. The less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.

Fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your partner and don’t assume they know what you’re thinking. Also, avoid interrupting while they’re speaking.

A fascinating experiment found that retirees who were encouraged to envisage their retirement wanted to save 31% more of their pay for retirement than those who hadn’t imagined theirs. Visualising can have an impact because it imagines a future possibility. By imagining it, we’re more prepared to make it happen.

In theory, the Age Pension age is set as the minimum age at which a typical senior is considered no longer able to work enough hours to generate the income needed for a modest standard of living. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t work.

After taking the previous steps to this point, it’s now time to enjoy the harvest and to celebrate. What you’ve planted and nurtured on the inside, should now begin to produce a harvest on the outside.

The YourLifeChoices Retirement Affordability Index aims to help you understand how much money you currently need to live at various levels and lifestyles in retirement. In this issue, there’s a helpful discussion about how to make your Superannuation go further.

You are no doubt aware they exist. You may have seen them on foodie blogs, Instagram feeds or on the menu at your local café. Wholegrains are an important food group essential to a healthy diet. Read on to find out why they are so wonderful and how you can eat more!