From -> Back Slash
Arthur was shoved into the small room with enough force to propel
him against the far wall. He got up and turned to curse the guards, but
they had already left, closing the door behind them. "What the hell?"
Arthur asked the familiar faces gathered in the room. "Do any of you
know why we were all rounded up like this?"
Jim shrugged. "John and I were working on my car when they showed
up in an unmarked van and herded us in at gunpoint. It must be
something pretty serious."
"They grabbed me but left my girlfriend behind," Kevin complained,
"and the first thing they did when they got me here was submit me to a
full body cavity strip-search." Several of the others groaned.
"Actually, I rather enjoyed that part," Liam exclaimed. "I've
always found anal stimulation to be a funky, zany thing. And not just
for elitists. Have you ever noticed how much an anus looks like a
donut?"
"Actually," a new voice said, "I've always thought Barbara's looked
like a bundt cake." The prisoners turned to see President Bush enter
the room, flanked by two heavily armed secret service agents and an army
general.
"Oh, shit..." John muttered.
"What's this about, sir?" Pat groveled.
"I'll tell you," Bush began. "Since we're having more troubles
with this Iraq thing than I had counted on, severe measures are
required. But I can't do anything directly. It wouldn't be prudent to
violate the executive order against assassinations, not at this
juncture. If Congress or the media found out, we'd have a whole, you
know, scandal thing all over again."
"What's your point?" Arthur interrupted.
"I was hoping you'd ask me that," the President replied, making
more obscure hand gestures. "While I can't do anything about Saddam,
who really is another Hitler, you know, there's no reason why private
citizens, doing that vigilante, mercenary thing, couldn't take him out
on their own."
"Why us?" Kevin asked.
"We have reason to believe," the general began, consulting some
files he had brought with him, "that your group would be highly
qualified for a secret penetrate-and-destroy mission. We've been
watching you for some time, and you seen to have just the assortment of
abilities we're looking for. That, and the fact that you're the only
civilian group we know of with an atomic bomb. We haven't got any
proof, but we know you have it somewhere."
"So, you see," Bush said, waggling his left arm, "unless you want
to do the prison thing, we can keep you forever! Forever! You should
do what we want. Besides, with those alias things of yours, you already
have code names. Saves us the trouble of making them up."
The general handed out envelopes labeled "Back Slash", "GWIII",
"Sergeant Friday", "Lime Jell-O", "Zork Pendragon", and "Madmouser".
"If any of you refuse to go on this mission," the general said, "you may
not even live to stand trial for treason."
The captives quickly decided that they'd accept the mission to
infiltrate Iraq and kill Saddam Hussein. They opened up their mission
briefing envelopes.
From -> Lime Jell-O
First off, the Heavy-Duty Towel-Head Killing Crew moved out of the
room (or rather, were forced out) into the bright sunlight at which
point they were issued "ETHEL", the Ever So Wacky Top Secret Ultra Elite
SAAB 99 (actually, the vehicle wasn't that elite, but all other vehicles
had been destroyed by those ever so nasty stationary objects). They all
crowded into ETHEL THE WACKY SAAB and headed off towards Baghdad,
stopping off first for a case of fried chicken TV dinners with nut fudge
brownie that they consumed frozen due to that fact that for some unusual
reason ETHEL had not been equipped with a food-warming object. As they
reached the end of the pier in NY, NY (yes, they had actually managed to
get out of Smithfield, even with Sir Jell-O the Lime driving...)
Madmouser said, "hey asshole! How the fuck are we going to reach
Baghdad?" At that point Lime punched the ole toggle switch marked
"EXTRA" and the whole posse o' vigilantes were catapulted into the
air... Once they reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet Liam and
Jocelyn disappeared into Pat's room for an hour... No, wait, that's not
right... Oh yeah -- once they reached a cruising altitude of 30,000
feet, a stewardess popped out of the doorless glove box and gave us all
EAGLE SNACKS! At that point Lime Jello checked his "Handbook For The
Egotistical and Socially Elite" to see if all this was politically
correct or not... Where's Abbie Hoffman when ya need him?
From -> Zork Pendragon
"Ya know", Zork muttered, "now we that have this flying Saab thing,
I wonder why we can't just fuck the whole mission and go back...."
"Because", answered Slash, who had been the only one to bother
opening his envelope labeled 'Back Slash', "it says here that if we just
'fuck the whole mission' strange and bizarre things could begin
happening to our nearest and dearest. Nobody probably would notice any
strange occurrences, what with all the auto accidents occurring
recently."
"Strange that most of us here have been in bad car accidents
recently," added John.
"Almost as if..." began Jim.
"...Somebody were trying to snub us out," finished Arthur.
[Now it is a well known Dragnet legend entitled "The Curse of the
Camaro" (well, not that legendary, which is why I have to explain it).
This is the legend of how every passenger in Frank Burnham's legendary
somersault camaro accident has to, at some point, crash into a telephone
pole. It happened to Aaron Harbour, it happened to Kevin Cafferty. It
has not, however, happened to Liam Gray. Until today, that is.]
"Liam, why the hell are we landing?!" yelled Madmouser.
"I need some Snapple Iced Tea, the cooler's all out. We're just
gonna stop at this convenience store right here. Hey that's a cute dog
over there..."
"Oh shit! Look out!"
-=> CRASH <=-
"I think I busted my nose!"
"Oh, shut the fuck up, Kevin. You were in the back seat..."
"Way to go, Liam!"
"But, I didn't mean to... I just lost concentration for an
instant."
"I think someone tried to snuff us out again," Jim spoke silently.
"I think Liam's a fucking idiot," Madmouser added less than
empathetically.
From -> Madmouser
As our heroes got out of ETHEL, Liam stooped to inspect the car/jet
wreck. He made the observation that everything was broken. Everything
that once was straight was bent and everything that was bent was even
benter. And sticking out of the bottom of the car was the nose cone of
a SCUD missile! John, being the rational one never prone to hysterics,
SCREAMED "Get the gas masks!"
"Gas masks? What gas masks!?" replied Liam just as some noxious
(and evil smelling) purple gas spewed out of the nose cone. One by one
our heroes fell asleep, because it seems that even though the Germans
sold Iraq all the technology to MAKE poison gas, they only sold them the
recipes for sleep and laughing gas.
Time passed...
More time passed...
The band awoke in a tent, surrounded by Bedouin nomads (and a
liberal dosage of voluptuous blonds). Art started to say something, but
was interrupted by the chief.
"Hey... what the fuck do you think you're doing crashing near our
camp!"
"We um err ahhh," replied Art.
"Our car got shot down and we need a ride!" added Kevin.
"Ok," the chief said, "we'll let you use the blue Jeep."
(The nomads sighed in wonder and awe)
The chief led them out to the blue jeep, or what was left of it,
because most of it had rusted away. He told them to go and never bother
them again. The gang stuffed themselves into the jeep; and Pat started
the engine, which roared to life, and they took off over the desert for
Baghdad.
From -> Zork Pendragon
"Noooo! Come back!" Zork yelled to the voluptuous maidens as they
hovered out of sight, the jeep moving onward ever faster over the
desert.
"Don't worry, Kev," Liam consoled, "maybe they were just mirages.
At least your car isn't totaled... at least you still have your health."
Arthur got very serious all of a sudden, he began to yell over the
roar of the jeep's engine, which was purring like a brontosaurus, "Okay,
so far we've been kidnapped by the government, given an assignment to
assassinate Saddam Hussein, flown 30,000 feet in a Saab which was
subsequently shot down by a SCUD missile ("So much for those things
being inaccurate," Jim added ruefully), which then emitted a sort of
sleeping gas, and we awoke to be assisted by these Bedouin nomad dudes
who give us this piece of shit jeep to travel over the desert in. Lord
knows WHICH desert this is. For all we know we could be Arizona... At
least things seem to be going about as logically as can be expected in a
Dragnet continuing story..."
"You forgot the voluptuous babes near the nomadic tent, Art," John
corrected.
"Well, the way I see things now," Arthur continued, "We have to
somehow get into Iraq, which is going to be extremely difficult, get
into Hussein's palace, which is going to be even more difficult, and
then get into his private chambers and murder him, which should make the
rest seem easy. Right now, however, we seem to be not all that up on
supplies, all the high-tech gadgets and junk still being in ETHEL, and
lord knows where that could be right now. I suppose we need to secure
some weapons."
The Dragnet Hit-Squad drove on into the desert, realizing Kevin
hadn't really progressed the plot whatsoever in Chapter 5 at all...
From -> The Avatar
Cut to Britannia, 0161 AD...
The Avatar was sitting in the lonely chambers of Lord British
peering into a crystal ball (lime colored, no doubt)... Watching what
was happening to his DragNet compadres, he had a thought... "Hey! Why
the hell wasn't I included in this damn story?" So, he decided he would
call forth the power of the moon gate to once again assist him in
traveling to the year 1991 AD... He came out of the moon gate in some
strangely desolate place... He thought he could hear the soft rumbling
of a car engine off in the distance...
From -> Back Slash
"Hey, who's that up ahead?" John asked.
"I don't know... he's dressed awfully funny for any part of this
world," Kevin replied. "Should we pick him up or run him over?"
"He's probably just another DragNET person writing himself into the
story," Arthur said. "We might as well pick him up. If we run over
him, he'll just be brought back anyway."
"He's dressed too strangely to be someone out to kill us," Liam
said.
"Anyone trying to kill us would have just rigged the jeep to
explode," Jim pointed out.
The jeep stopped.
"How would they do that?" Pat asked.
"I'd attach a bomb to the engine," John said. "Something like that
one."
"So this is it," Kevin quoted. "We're going to die."
"Not necessarily," Arthur said. He whipped up a hover-conversion
system and autopilot out of spare parts, and sent the jeep flying over
the horizon. "There should be just enough fuel to get that jeep to
Baghdad before it explodes."
"Why didn't you just disarm the fucking bomb?" Pat asked.
"Not dramatic enough," Jim replied.
Saddam Hussein sat in his bunker, swallowing handfuls of Tylenol.
Every five minutes, on the minute, another bomb launched by the great
Satans hit his lovely city. He looked at a television monitor and saw a
projectile, disguised as a blue jeep, heading straight for the motel
where he kept his mistresses. It circled the building, flew down a
chimney, and exploded.
"Where do they get those wonderful toys?" Saddam asked his
advisors. When they failed to answer, he shot them. "Get me more
advisors!" Saddam yelled to an underling. "And hell, have them shot
too. I'm getting sick of this shit."
As revenge, even though it went against Geneva Conventions, Saddam
prepared his most diabolical attack to date: he began broadcasting, on
all frequencies, worldwide by satellite, old "Love Boat" reruns. "They
won't be able to stand that for more than a week," he giggled evilly...
On foot, our heroes meandered over to the oddly dressed desert
goober.
"Hail! I am called The Avatar!" the goober announced. "I am a man
with great powers and spells! Unfortunately, I left them all back in
161 AD. But I did bring this keen recipe for Bison Jello with me..."
"Well, Avatar," Liam said, quickly filling in the new member of the
group (and any perpetually dense readers): "We're lost in an unknown
desert, trying to find and kill a lunatic named Saddam so that our
government won't kill us and our loved ones."
"I seem to remember meeting most of you before, in previous DragNET
stories," the Avatar replied. "None of you had loved ones then, which
is why you always put voluptuous babes into the story as wish-
fulfillment fantasies. Have there been any voluptuous babes in this
story yet?"
Kevin coughed and turned away. John yelled, "Yes we have girls ya
PANSY! And it's too much trouble to find new ones, and besides, killing
Saddam will be FUN!!" John turned red and started jumping up and down
saying "Ekky! Ekky!" over and over again.
"If you're lost, how did you know which way to launch that jeep?"
Avatar asked.
"Never try to find consistency in one of these stories," Pat
explained. "I mean, you don't see us asking why you, a man from 161 AD,
knows what a Jeep is."
Watching this needless bickering going on, Arthur and Jim wondered
if it was time for something to advance the plot again before it was too
late.
"We've traced that last missile, the one disguised as a jeep, to a
desolate area in the Iranian desert," one of Hussein's advisor's
announced, hoping Hussein would decide not to kill him since he was
successful. However, out of habit and without thinking, Saddam Hussein
shot the advisor anyway. He then commanded his generals to send a full
armored division to destroy the infidels who'd killed his bitches. When
the generals pointed out that Iraq didn't have a full armored division,
Saddam shot them. "Just send SOMETHING to get them!!" he ordered.
Moving on foot now, the seven terrorist infiltrators continued to
travel in the direction that seemed most interesting. On the way, they
picked up two more party members who can be named later if need be.
From -> Zork Pendragon
"Ya know, I wonder when we're going to find an automobile that
won't crash or explode on us?" Liam wondered.
"It's these fucking American cars," John agreed.
"If we had a REAL car, like an LTD, then we'd be all set," Arthur
added.
Kevin checked his watch. "It's about time something else happened
to us."
"Good! I can't wait for some action!" The Avatar grinned.
"Someone's forgotten how silly these stories can get..." Jim
whispered to John.
"Hey, can you guys make that out over there?" Pat squinted and
pointed to two shapes over in the distance.
"They appear to be two shapes over the distance," Kevin replied
sardonically.
The seven D00Ds rushed over to the two shapes, one male and one
female. Both were suffering from heat exhaustion.
The male looked up, and an odd expression came over his face.
"Bloody hell, this must be a mirage..."
"Don?" The Avatar asked.
"Yeah, it's me. What the fuck are you guys doing here?"
"We were just about to ask you the same question... Who's the girl?
I gotta say, in the midst of heat exhaustion, she hardly looks
voluptuous. You sure she's not a typo?"
"This is Shiva... We were on our way to Pat's house, and well, we
got lost. The car ran out of gas a while back. Somehow, we wound up in
the desert."
The D00Ds gave Shadowstorm and Shiva some of their water supply
(all of them except Arthur that is, who doesn't usually share liquid of
any kind) and slowly they began to recover from their heat exhaustion.
"She still doesn't look all that voluptuous," Avatar complained,
"are you sure she can't be like a 6-foot tall blonde with really huge...
tracts of land?"
"Ah, and I'm just surrounded by the eight reincarnations of
Adonis," Shiva shot back.
Kevin checked his watch again, "Ya know, it REALLY is about time
something awful happened to us."
From -> Madmouser
Just as Kevin finished his sentence, three shapes were seen heading
toward them coming from the direction that they were heading. As the
party got closer they could make out three Arabs in a black S-10.
Strangely one of them was bald, one had really curly hair, and the other
had a horrible bowl cut. As they got out of the truck they tripped over
each other.
"Oh, great! They send morons to kill us," said The Avatar
"Shut up you knuckle heads! We were sent by our master Saddam to
kill you!" replied the Arab who looked like Moe.
"Quiet!" yelled the Larry-Arab.
"Woob woob woob look at the ground!" whined the neo-Curly.
The three Arab stooges went through their slapstick routine, but
they kept getting more and more violent, and after five minutes they
shot each other to death. The D00Ds were extremely pleased at this, and
a little relieved because the humor helped to lighten their spirits. As
they climbed into the truck they noticed two crates in the back that
were labeled "SECRET WEAPON". Jim opened one of them and screamed in
pure joy "Look! Jello!!" And it was true... there were fifty pounds of
bright green lime jello in the two crates. The D00Ds, their spirits
much buoyed, found a map in the glove compartment, and headed for
Baghdad.
From -> Zork Pendragon
John grabbed Moe's gun, Arthur took Larry's, and Jim acquired
Curly's. The nine D00Ds piled into the truck, discovered the jello, and
John drove them towards Baghdad.
"That's all that bastard could send after us? Three inept towel
heads?" Don wondered.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say that was Team Ryan back there...
Their actions sure fit in with the old Balthazar-Scorpion-Overlord
routine," Slash added nostalgically.
"Of course they could have been scouts for an even larger force,"
Jim reasoned.
Jim was right.
Five desert jeeps approached the S-10 over the desert sands.
"Oh shit," Liam muttered (he found himself muttering that phrase
more and more since this story started).
"I'll try and dodge them!" John yelled, and did several deft
maneuvers to avoid being surrounded. "Arthur and Jim, start shooting at
some of them."
Arthur leaned out the window and began to fire shots at the jeeps
(come on, do you honestly think Arthur AND Jim would both be able to
lean out the window?) Surprisingly, he hit one in the tire.
The other four began to use the machine guns mounted on the
turrets.
"Drive faster, John!" Avatar yelled, looking out the back window.
"We could try throwing the jello at them," Pat thought aloud.
"What are we gonna do?!" screamed Shiva.
"I said we could try throwing the jello at them... Come on,
everybody! Throw the lime jello at those jeeps!"
Pat and Don went to open up the crates. Jim, on the other hand,
opened up the back door of the truck and hurled Liam at one of the
jeeps.
"Well, you said to throw Lime Jello at the jeeps. Besides, he blew
us off when we were supposed to film 'Honest Artie's Rock Emporium', he
deserved it."
Liam landed on the hood of one the jeeps. The Iraqis knew if they
tried to machine-gun him they could ruin the jeep. Instead they tried
swerving around to see if he could be thrown off.
Liam had had enough of flying through the air for one day, however,
so he slowly, in best Indiana Jones style, approached the front door of
the speeding jeep, and thrust himself inside. Easily knocking out the
startled Iraqi driver, Liam aimed the machine gun at the other jeeps,
and blew them up. Safe once again, the D00Ds realized by the map that
they were approaching Baghdad. They also realized that Saddam might
send more troops after them. Liam re-entered the S-10 (making sure to
stay as far away from Jim as possible), and the nine froody D00Ds set
off again, nearing their goal...
From -> Back Slash
It was getting a little crowded in the S-10. There were already
nine people in it; and it probably wouldn't be long before more
characters were written onto the bandwagon. Therefore, since they also
had one desert jeep intact (the one Liam had destroyed the other jeeps
from), it was decided that they'd split up into two groups. This would
allow, they decided, for much more complicated storylines and increased
silliness.
Jim and Liam became team captains, since they refused to be in the
same group. "He'll just run off to Thayer Street as soon as the going
gets tough," Jim accused, pointed at Liam. Arthur flipped Pat. Jim
called out "heads"; Liam called out "tails". Pat landed on his butt, so
Liam got the first choice...
"I choose Kevin!" Liam announced. "I want the ELITE group."
"I choose Arthur!" Jim replied. "I want the homicidal lunatics
with me."
"But I'm sane now!" Arthur protested. "Really!"
The others made several obscene sounds and gestures, indicating
that Arthur was, indeed, full of shit.
"I choose Pat!" Liam exclaimed, "so I won't be the wimpiest in the
group."
"I choose John," Jim said, "because people who have lives will try
harder to keep them."
There was much hooting of protest to that innuendo.
Liam thought for a while. "I'll take the powerful Shadowstorm!"
Jim had a cunning idea. "I choose the S-10! I don't want to be
the group with the jeep!"
The other group started to protest, until Jim and Arthur drew
weapons.
"Right! We choose Shiva!" Liam announced.
"I should choose the jeep now, and then your group would really be
in deep shit," Jim declared. "But instead, I choose the allegedly
powerful Avatar."
Arthur flipped Pat again so the two groups could determine which
path each would take to Iraq. They agreed to maintain strict radio
silence; and when communication was necessary, to use codes. Pat landed
on his head, so Jim got to pick his route. Jim chose to head slightly
northward, and go in through
Israel. This left Liam's group to travel southward, and enter Iraq via
Kuwait...
The Elite group continued their travels in silence, certain that
they had received the short end of the figurative straw. They were
detained briefly by a platoon of American Marines, but were allowed to
pass when they showed the platoon leader their secret orders.
"You all are headin' right inna trouble, boys," Lieutenant R. Flagg
drawled. "At least let us give y'all some spare ammo..."
The Psychotic group watched the skies, enjoying what Jim had named
"The Scud Bowl." At regular intervals, scuds would streak across the
sky to the west, and be intercepted by the Patriot batteries stationed
north of Tel Aviv.
"You know, it's only a matter of time before one of those things
falls towards us," Arthur pointed out. "Most of them don't make it
anywhere near their targets."
"I wish you'd stop saying those things," Jim complained.
"Yeah, huh?" John said. "Here comes one now!"
From -> Zork Pendragon
John, Jim, Arthur and The Avatar watched in horror as the scud
approached their S-10.
The Avatar had an idea. "Don't worry," he said calmly, "I can just
conjure up a magical shield to have that missile bounce off of our
truck."
"I thought you said you left all your powers back in 106 AD?"
Arthur asked.
"I thought you said continuity didn't count for shit in these
stories," The Avatar countered.
"I think we're all going to die if someone doesn't do SOMETHING
quick," Jim added.
"I think we all should perhaps run, since I trust Avatar about as
far as I can comfortably spit out of a rat," John suggested.
"Good idea," Jim and Arthur agreed amid Avatar's protests.
John, Jim, Arthur and The Avatar exited the truck right before the
SCUD hit the S-10 and exploded it into many different pieces.
"I just hope that thing doesn't have another chemical warhead,"
Arthur added. As if on cue, he purple sleeping gas came out of the head
of the missile.
"You HAD to pick me for your team..." John grumbled before he
collapsed.
"And letting such flappy woof-woofs as to..." Jim started, and then
flopped over as well.
"...Make your eyes water and your nose fall off," Arthur ended,
then Arthur-fopped the desert sands.
"Bloody hell, I can't think of anything to say," The Avatar said,
before settling into unconsciousness as well.
The four awoke chained to a wall in a deep, dank dungeon.
"I wonder if the Iraqis have us," Jim wondered.
"Nah, we'd probably be already dead then," Arthur reasoned.
The door to their cell opened, and a towel-headed dude entered.
"Good morning, prisoners!"
"Exactly who are we prisoners of?" John asked.
"You infidels of The Great Satan are being held captive by the
noble and just police force of the Iranian Government!" the towel-head
laughed. "We may contact Saddam Hussein and see if he wishes to make a
bargain of some sort. Until then, well, I suppose the four of you will
rot against that wall! Hahahaha (evil laugh)!"
"What's that phrase about 'Out of the frying pan'?" Jim spoke
aloud.
"Augh, would you turn that shit music off, Liam!" Don screamed over
the engine of the jeep and the hideous music emitting from the speakers.
"The Dickies're RAD though!" Liam counter-argued, "Besides, it's
the only tape I have with me, and I don't think we can get WBRU down
here."
Don, Shiva and Pat commenced to cover their ears. Zork remained
ambivalent towards the music. If he had to spend the entire trip
listening to Dickies, however, he might wind up strangling Liam, he
thought. "Well, maybe we can stop somewhere and pick up some REM tapes,
or Les Miz or something..." Zork wondered aloud.
Pat, having had the most experience behind the wheel of a jeep, was
driving. Liam rode shotgun (so he could get to the tape deck), and
Kevin, Don, and Shiva sat in the back, Kevin stationed at the machine
gun.
"I wonder how the others are doing," Pat broke in, trying to
interrupt the argument.
"I wouldn't be surprised if they got blown up by a SCUD or
something by now!" Shiva laughed to herself.
"Now THAT'S pretty far-fetched," Don commented.
Kevin felt the Uzi the troops in Saudi Arabia had supplied him and
the others with. He wondered if he'd have to use it, and if so, when.
They were in the middle of Kuwait, and ground fighting could erupt soon.
That didn't matter the D00D platoon, they needed to get into Iraq. They
needed a plan...
From -> Shiva
As the jeep trudged its way through the sand, everyone started to
get really annoyed with the music Liam was playing in the tape player,
so Shiva passed around her bottomless bottle of Advil to anyone who
happened to have a headache. Suddenly, from out of the sky (where the
fuck else would it have come from?) a SCUD missile landed... about 40 or
50 miles from the jeep.
"See," said Kevin, "they aren't accurate. The one that hit the
SAAB was probably American made, seeing as how we sent them so much
stuff before."
Shiva still has no idea how she got into this in the first place
and asks, "hey, guys, what are we doing in Iraq anyway?" She is still
very much annoyed at the fact that the guys don't think she's
voluptuous. Christ, she's almost 6' tall. With, what everyone else
thinks is a good figure. She's not a very happy camper. And along with
everyone else, she's very thirsty.
Suddenly, Pat slams on the brakes and everyone flies forward.
"What the fuck did you do that for?" Lime Jell-O asked.
"Cuz I can't stand this fucking music anymore!" says Pat as he
grabs the tape in the radio and throws it out the window.
As they all got themselves reorganized, Pat looks at Zork and
starts to laugh.
"What the fuck are you laughing at?" he says and puts his hand on
his face. (Why? Who knows.) "Shit," says Kevin, "my nose is broken
again. Somebody's gonna pay for this."
From -> Madmouser
Meanwhile, in the deep dank dungeon...
"Shit!" exclaimed Art.
"This is not good... and when I get hold of Pat, I'll kill him!"
moaned John.
"Arthur! Load program 4-A-69!" Jim said
"Beep buzz," said Art.
"Now... get the key to Donna's handcuffs out and unlock the
chains," retorted Jim.
"Done."
"Now... put on the handcuffs, but make sure that they're unlocked!"
"Done."
"Now, when the guards come... kill them."
"Working..."
"What is program 4-A-69?" asked the quite puzzled Avatar.
"It's the nuclear terrorist bodyguard program... extremely
ruthless," replied Jim.
"OOOOO!" There was much muffled applause from the other members of
the party at Jim's quick thinking.
Meanwhile, in the Kuwaiti desert, the ELITE group was sound
asleep... all of them except for one that is... Pat, it seems, had
become really attached to the jeep and was painting words on it in
Arabic that basically said that anyone who even looks at this jeep with
the intent to hurt it was in for a world of hurt and would probably see
Allah within 5 minutes.
As they awoke and headed off, they happened upon a box in a
destroyed Kuwaiti town that was full of REM and Extreme and other
tapes... Kevin, Shiva, Don, and Pat were ecstatic; Liam on the other
hand was upset because all the elite music was gone...
About 10 miles outside of town they came to an Iraqi roadblock.
From -> Lime Jell-O
In a moment of desperation, Liam drove his fist far into his bung-
laden anus and retrieved an OPERATION IVY tape from deep within his
small intestine... at which point he said that he would shower if given
full control of the tape deck. Everyone OK'ed this idea, being that he
was no longer suave but rather odiferous... So anyway, Madmouser kept on
bitching about having an ingrown toenail, so Kevin took Pat's bare foot
and bit his toe off. What does this have to do with the plot?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!
Well anyway, this cheeseball Iraqi town was real swell cuz it was
the home of the only remaining Jack in the Box restaurant. The elite
crew pulled through the drive-through and got 47 orders of onion rings
upon which they munched while parked in the parking lot (novel, eh?)
While munching, the crew realized (at the urging of Liam) that they
really didn't want to be in Iraq, but would rather like to cruise to
London where the Dickies were doing a reunion show. They all drove to
London and saw the Dickies (it was SWELL---Kev even got to sit on
stage!) After the Dickies show they all drove back to Iraq and got more
onion rings... Two weeks had now passed since the "OTHER" crew had been
captured so out of nowhere Iron Man appeared and said, "ya got a
minute?" Everyone told him to fuck off but before doing so he told them
the exact location of the other crew...
They were all set to leave when Kevin started screeching "Where the
HELL is my Bob Mould tape?!?" They all rushed toward Liam figuring it
was in his anus... but was it??
From -> Back Slash
As the captive group awaited the return of the guards, the Avatar
used his psychic powers in an attempt to contact the elitist group.
"Damn!" he exclaimed, "we're here in an Iranian prison and they're
fighting over cassette tapes!"
"Got to be Liam's fault," Jim said.
"I thought we were supposed to have the easy route, dammit!" John
yelled.
"Glorf?" Arthur muttered, waiting for the guard, pretending to be
cuffed and harmless...
Of course, two weeks didn't actually pass for the other group. "I
was just saying it felt like two weeks had passed," Liam said. "Look at
us now!" And, indeed, Liam's group had changed. Now that they had taken
a break to see the Dickies, and were all cooly bedecked in British T-
Shirts, they were more than ready to go back to the fight.
"Come on, let me put in the REM tape," Kevin begged. "They USED to
be elite..."
"Fuck tapes," Don announced. "While we were in London, I grabbed
BEER. They don't sell this stuff in Diaper-Head countries."
"Beer?" Shiva cried in surprise. "I think I'm in love!"
The elite group drank the beer, and then lost the fighting,
competitive edge, which they had just so recently gained. The rest of
the group decided, at this point, that Shiva was the most voluptuous
babe that they had ever seen. Of course, they then voted the jeep
second most voluptuous babe. Shiva decided that she might be in the
wrong story. Or at least, trying to kill the wrong men...
"Hey!" the Iranian guard yelled. "Keep it down in there!" The
captive D00Ds continued to make a ruckus, so the guard went to
investigate.
"Art!" Jim yelled, as the guard entered the cell. "Deathfop the
Hankie-Head!!"
After a brief struggle, Arthur unlocked the other D00Ds. He kept
the guard's AK-47, but gave the guard's other arms to Jim and John.
"Yucch," John said, throwing the bleeding appendage to the floor.
"I've got an idea!" Jay exclaimed. "And you'd better listen, it's
a good one this time!"
"There's not enough room left," Jim said. "You'd better tell us
the plan in the next post."
The elite group drove erratically through the desert, suffering
greatly from the heat, dehydration, and unprecedented beer consumption.
They found and oasis by evening drank gallons of water and slept almost
24 hours.
"Say," Pat thought. "Why the hell is the story focused on us when
the exciting bits are happening with the other group?"
What Pat didn't know was that an Iraqi patrol group was on the
other side of the oasis; fully armed, and searching for spies. That'll
teach him to be sarcastic to the narrator.
"All we have to do," Avatar said, "is steal some Iraqi planes that
landed here in Iran, fly back to Baghdad, and when we report to Saddam,
we kill him."
"Great plan," Arthur said, "as long as the Iranians don't kill us
as we steal the planes, the allies don't shoot us down as we fly them,
and the Iraqis don't execute us when we land."
"No plan is perfect," Avatar pouted.
"It's better than our other plan," said John, "where we stay here
and rot in Iranian prisons."
"This is true," Jim agreed.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Avatar asked.
"I'm too tired to write it right now," Arthur replied. "So we'll
have to wait for the next caller before we escape."
"Damn."
"At least the Iraqis can't do anything to us while we're waiting,"
Jim mumbled.
John asked: "but what if the next caller is an Iraqi?"
"Or Cannon Ball?"
The Iraqis moved swiftly and silently through the oasis. They knew
that there were spies in the oasis, and they were looking forward to
killing them. Really.
From -> Madmouser
As the Iraqis came over the dune, they found the group waiting for
them, because it seems that the bottomless bottle of Advil that Shiva
had came in handy for eradicating the worst effects of hangovers. The
Iraqis started shooting at our "heroes"(?) who promptly ducked. The
bullets went whizzing over their heads, but two struck the jeep
broadsides, causing no damage other than two little holes. When Pat saw
this, foam appeared at his mouth, he grabbed one of the crates of jello,
and went into a berserk rage... Before they knew what had happened,
seven of the Iraqis were shaking hands with Allah while wiping jello off
of themselves; the rest, seeing this crazy American frothing at the
mouth, turned tail and ran; but not before jello thrown with deadly
accuracy took out all of them but one. Pat then collapsed in a heap.
The gang came over to him and found his body in a not so nice heap...
The smell of Liam brought him to a sort of conscious state, he mumbled,
"Sugar... I need sugar..."
Meanwhile, in Iraq:
"What do you mean the troops got killed!" screamed Saddam.
"We got wiped out by a rabid American throwing lime jello, sir,"
answered the poor soldier.
"JELLO!? Well that means that they've gotten hold of our secret
weapon... I just hope none of them eats it... We're pretty much done for
if they do..."
"Why is that, master?" asked the soldier.
"SHUT UP AND DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!!!!" screamed Hussein as he
shot the soldier.
From -> Zork Pendragon
John, Arthur, Jim, and Jay silently crept out of the Iranian
prison, realizing they at least needed to escape this building before
more troops discovered what had happened.
"Perhaps one of us should scout ahead, so that if any Iranians
come, he gets shot first," John suggested.
"I nominate Jay," Jim and Arthur spoke simultaneously.
"I second it, motion carried," John finished, pushing Jay ahead of
them.
A little further down the hall, they came to a door, labeled, "TOP
TOP TOP TOP SECRET ROOM - DO NOT ENTER. REALLY."
"Hmmmm," Arthur wondered, "I wonder what's in there..."
"How bad is the damage to the jeep?" Pat asked nervously.
"Just two itsy bitsy holes, nothing to worry about," Don replied.
"At least the tape deck still works," Liam sighed, relieved. "I
got the most rad bootlegs in England... lookit this 'Exploited' tape,
guys..."
"I suppose we should set off for Baghdad again.... That is, if we
are fully recovered from our collective hangovers?" Zork asked.
Pat and Don said okey-dokey, Shiva belched the Latin alphabet, and
Liam recited the lyrics to Minor Threat's "Bottled Violence".
"I'll take that as a maybe. Let's get into the jeep."
Once again, Pat drove, Liam rode shotgun (no one wanted to sit
close to him since he STILL hadn't showered, just keeping screaming "I'm
SCUMMY!" and gesticulating wildly at everyone), Shiva and Don sat in the
back and Kevin positioned himself at the big dukey machine-gun in the
back. The tape deck played "Under Pressure," since David Bowie met
Liam's elite standards (although only just barely).
"What we need now," Don philosophized, "is more beer."
"Alcohol clouds the mind, straight edge - razor sharp!" Liam
quoted, "I'm gonna stay young until I die."
"That may not be too far away from now if you put in that goddamn
Dickies tape again..." Kristen threatened.
From -> Back Slash
"I don't care anymore," Pat said, finally asserting himself. The
others stopped their bickering, shocked at the almost-forcefulness of
Pat's speech. "I don't CARE what we listen to! Let's just get GOING!
We have a JOB TO DO!!"
"We are wasting time, you know," Don agreed. "The other group may
have already penetrated Iraq's defenses."
Shiva smiled at the use of the word 'penetrated'.
"Why don't we just wait a little longer?" Liam asked. "Then we can
drive into Iraq after they've killed Hussein, the war has ended, and
it'll be safe for politically-correct elitists like ourselves?"
"Because they might not make it," Kevin pointed out. "That's one
of the reasons why we're in two groups. They might be captured right
now."
"I doubt it," Pat said. "No one could catch them. Besides, we
haven't been caught yet!"
"I wish people would stop saying things like that!" Liam moaned.
"That we can arrange," replied the leader of the Iraqi forces who
had the infiltrators surrounded and outnumbered. "We have more men than
you have bullets, and are have been immunized against the Ninja Death
Jello you captured. You will drop your weapons and come with us."
"Like hell we will," the D00Ds started to say, but were unable to;
because while the Iraqi commander distracted them, Iraqi scouts crept up
behind them and knocked them out with cranial coconut-fops.
Tied up, gagged, and forced to listen to Barry Manilow 8-track
tapes, the Elitist brigade was transported to the Iraqi POW torture
camps...
"If I don't get more lines in this story, I'm going to get REALLY
NASTY!" Saddam Hussein announced. "After all, I AM the main villain
around here!!" Saddam then shot several of his closest friends, just to
emphasize the point. "Abdul!" he yelled out to one of his servants. "Go
find me some more close friends!!!"
Jim, John, Jay, and Art spent a full twenty-five minutes arguing
over who should open the "Top Top Top Top Secret" door... They finally
convinced Arthur to, because his was the only name that didn't begin
with "J"... Arthur opened the door, and found a small room containing a
backpack tactical nuclear device on a pedestal. "So THIS is where that
missing tac nuke went!" Arthur exclaimed in surprise. "I always
wondered who REALLY had it."
"We'd better take it with us," John said. "They're probably
studying it to see if they can make more."
"Oh, no, I don't want to take that with me!" Jim said.
"Well, then, why don't we just destroy the evil artifact?" asked
Avatar.
"You're right," Arthur and John agreed. They set the atomic bomb
to go off in an hour and a half. "Plenty of time for us to get away."
They found some spare Iraqi uniforms in a closet labeled "Spare
Iraqi Uniforms for Escaping Prisoners", and walked out into the open.
They watched the Iranians refueling two planes, which had just landed,
and decided to take them. "You go with the Avatar, and I'll go with
Arthur!" Jim commanded.
"I don't think you and Arthur should take the same plane," John
replied.
"Fuck you, big nose!" Arthur shouted (in Iraqi, so he wouldn't draw
attention to himself).
"I'll go with Arthur," said the Avatar, "because my name also
starts with 'A'. Sometimes."
So Arthur and the Avatar took one plane, and Jim and John took the
other. They set off towards Baghdad, hoping that the allies wouldn't see
them and try to shoot them down. Considering all of the radar and
satellites watching Iraq, and considering the sadistic nature of the
writers, the odds of an unmolested flight were quite slim indeed.
Liam, Kevin, Pat, Don, and Shiva were brought into the POW camp
just ten minutes after the other group made their escape; and were
locked in the same cell which Arthur, Jay, Jim, and John had just
vacated. As the atomic bomb began to count down its last hour, Kevin
asked if anyone had a plan.
"I see a key on the floor over there," Pat said. "It looks like
Donna's handcuff key, but might unlock these chains. Trouble is, it's
too far away for us to reach it..."
From -> Shiva
Luckily Shiva, for some unknown reason, had in her pocketbook her
new state-of-the-Art, technologically advanced curling iron (with
attachments) and therefore saved the day by reaching the key. Ah, but
as luck would have it, the key had absolutely no affect on the chains.
Liam, Pat, Kevin, Shiva, and Don were extremely disappointed
(needless to say). "I can't believe it," complained Pat, "Shiva took
all that extra weight along for absolutely no reason!!!"
"Yeah," said Liam, "we could've brought more ELITE tapes with us."
The whole group moaned.
The mighty Avatar, who had with him his magical crystallized ball
of Lime Jell-O, could see everything that was happening with the group
of ELITES.
"Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me," John muttered. "They're still
arguing about tapes."
"Hey, does anybody remember that we're running on a TIME limit? Or
is that continuity gone too?" questioned the Avatar. Nobody knew, and
still the bomb ticked on...
From -> Zork Pendragon
A thought struck Kevin. "Hey guards!" he yelled. "Hey, c'mon in
here you Iranian towel-headed pooftahs!"
"Are you sure that's the smartest thing you could be saying right
now?"
"Don't worry Pat, I have an idea."
Two Iranian guards entered.
"Hey, I bet guys are really bored all the time, stomping about,
yelling, chaining socio-political elitists to wall, et cetera..."
Well, some of the sadomasochism I quite like," one of the guards
explained, and to demonstrate kicked Don in the testicles with a well-
oiled boot.
"Oh yes," the other explained, "you realize that because we're
guards we get to do incredibly fun things to prisoners that most
Iranians only dream of. For example, I could use one of you as a human
punching bag right now and there would be nothing you could do about
it." To emphasize this point he began to severely beat Liam with a
large stick.
"BRILLIANT idea, Kev!" Don groaned while wondering whether his
genitalia would ever work again. The two guards left the room,
laughing.
"It wasn't supposed to go like that!" Kevin protested to no one in
particular.
"I have an idea! I could try and seduce them! Yeah, that's it!"
Shiva brightened. "Oh, guaaaaards!" Shiva cried shrilly.
"What do you want now?" asked the two guards, reappearing.
"I'm sick of being stuck with these wimps, I want a real man, an
Arab!"
The Iranians, whose main idea of a woman was covered in lots and
lots of Bedouin sheets, began to salivate as Shiva struck the most
provocative pose she could while being chained to the wall.
"Unchain me and we can have some fun."
The guards undid Shiva's clasps, and then the three of them left
the room.
Five minutes later, Kristen reappeared, holding the keys to the
locks. When questioned about what happened, she just looked at them
sideways and muttered something about "drastic circumstances call for
drastic means."
"My balls still hurt," Don groaned, "can't we rest for a while..."
Liam was still unconscious from the severe beating he took at the
hands of his captors earlier. "At least we won't be arguing about tapes
for a while," Pat decided.
From -> The Avatar
And so with that Jim, John, Jay, and Art began their air mission to
finally reach Baghdad (maybe)... Actually, nobody really cared about the
bomb anymore seeing as how continuity meant absolutely nothing in this
story so the bomb angle was kind of disregarded for now...
The two planes flew along at quite a brisk pace for maybe another
ten minutes or so... Then the Avatar had a revelation, "Hey, do any of
you guys know how the hell to get to where to we're goin??"
"I thought you brought the map!" Art yelled at Jim.
"NO! YOU had the map!" yelled Jim at Art.
"Shut up! Now I definitely remembered giving the map to Jim and
Art! They brought a photocopy machine along!" screamed John.
The Avatar said nothing, fearing that if he took sides that he may
be voted on to enter another TOP, TOP, TOP secret room...
"Well, I guess we'll just shove along until something out of the
ordinary happens," said Art.
Which was odd, because at the very instant that he said that, Jay
and Art both happened to look at the gauges in the plane. Much to their
dismay, their plane had just run out of gas.
"Bloody Hell!" said Jay and Art.
Back in the Iraqi cell, The ELITE group were still trying to figure
out a way to reach the damn key... Don was tired, Shiva was pissed, Liam
was just plain freaking out (acting normal, in other words), and Kevin
couldn't even see the damn key because of that face injury (kind of
swelled up his eyes)... But Pat, well Pat knew he had the means to get
the key, he was just a tad too embarrassed to admit his secret. "Uh,
guys, I think I could reach it, but... uh... well... see, I'd have to
give away my life long secret..."
"GET THE FUCKING KEY OR I'LL START SINGING MY RENDITION OF SOME
SILLY ELITIST BAND THAT ALL YOU SCUM-SUCKING HICKS WOULD JUST HATE TO
LITTLE BITS AND PIECES!!!" screamed Liam and Kevin in unison.
"Ok, ok... I'll give in... But The Avatar only has 3 lines left, so
he'll have to continue this in the next post."
"Ok, here goes," said Pat. What was about to happen would explain
once and for all why Pat was so goddamned skinny and tall and thin and
all that... "You guys promise not to laugh to hard? Or to post about
this on the BBS??" asked Pat nervously.
Everyone else (including a guard down the hall) yelled
"NOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Ok... here goes... Go-go Gadget ARMS!!"
And with that the ultimate question was answered. Pat was so thin
because he had very long metal tubing up his arms that could extend up
to at least 20 feet... Naturally, everyone (including the guard down the
hall) broke out in hysterical laughter. This upset Pat, but nonetheless
he had the key in his possession. He then proceeded to unlock all the
ELITISTS' cuffs and then some more time passed. They all just kinda
stood around and fooled around with Pat's metallic arms for a while
until they heard what sounded like several guards with very big guns
come to their cell door.
The cell door opened to reveal several guards with very big guns.
"The master will see you now," said the guard (in Iraqi, of course).
From -> Shiva
Seeing the guards once again made Shiva even more pissed off than
she already was. "OH NO, not again," she yelled and ran full force at
the guards. This however didn't do much, because none of the ELITES had
slept very much and Shiva wasn't that strong to begin with.
All of a sudden, the whole group ran at the Iraqi guards before
they even had a chance to take their Uzis off safety. The band of not-
so-merry travelers smelled so bad that all the guards ran off.
"Wow, that was easy," said Pat, with his arms trailing behind him.
It seemed that he couldn't remember exactly how to fix them so that they
went back to normal. "Uh, oh, this is not good."
"Pat," said Don, "what is 'not good'?" Suddenly everyone started
laughing. And Pat was not a very happy person. But everyone looked at
Shiva also. They still wanted to know what she did to get those keys.
Meanwhile, the other group of people couldn't remember for the life
of them what had happened to the bomb or how they had come about getting
those planes. There was also that other teensy weensy problem of no gas.
"Parachutes," thought John. "I wonder if there are any
parachutes."
Everyone else, however, was absolutely sure they were going to die.
The plane was doing a nosedive at full speed straight into the desert.
"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Screamed the travelers in unison.
"We're gonna die."
The Avatar, however, with his mighty powers, tried to create a
large soft pool of lime jello for them to land in. Instead he created a
large river of chocolate pudding.
From -> Back Slash
Even though people had decided that they weren't going to think
about the bomb, it continued to count down anyway. It sat, silently and
serenely, in its own little room, unconcerned that it was being ignored.
It knew that it would be noticed eventually.
"Fifteen minutes left," it said, to no one in particular.
The two Iraqi planes, only one of which was actually out of fuel,
continued to accelerate as they headed straight down towards the desert
sands. The Avatar was successful in creating a magically soft cushion
(even though it was chocolate pudding, and not lime jello). It was so
magically soft that it could absorb all of the jets' impact without the
passengers being hurt at all. They were saved.
Except, Jay neglected to tell Art and John (the pilots) this. "Oh,
fuck!" Arthur said. "There's a whole lake of camel shit down there! If
I have to die, it will at least be with some dignity. I have just
enough control so that I can turn away and not hit the shit..."
"I can't turn my plane," John said. "So when we all meet in the
next life, I'm going to smell really bad..."
John hit the magical chocolate pudding dead center. The plane
landed soft as a feather, and Jim and John ate a path form the plane to
the edge of the pudding. They hadn't eaten in a couple of days, you
see...
Arthur and Jay hit the sand at what is technically called a "god-
awful" speed, and went THROUGH the sand, coming to a stop in an
underground cave 50 feet down... the sand braked them enough so that
they were able to land in the cave safely. In the cave they found
mountains of gold and gems.
"This must be Ali-Baba's legendary treasure!" Jay exclaimed.
"And look!" said Arthur. "That must be the lamp with the genie in
it!
You know that this is only going to get sillier.
The so-called elitist group was brought before the Iranian leader
(who seemed to speak Iraqi according to previous posts... but odder
things have happened). Even though he was polite, it was plain that he
wanted nothing more than to kill them once he had all the information
that he wanted. So, Pat stood next to a window, and dropped his still-
extended arms out... Stretching them even more, he was able to beat up
five guards, and fuel up three planes with his gadget-arms while
innocently standing in the commander's office. Then, with just five
minutes left on the bomb, he yelled out, "Let's go, D00Ds!" The D00Ds
climbed down his arms, caught him when he jumped, and they all took off
in the fuelled jets...
From -> Madmouser
As the elite group caught Pat and they headed for the planes, the
Iranians got very pissed off at them and started to shoot at them, now
these were REAL soldiers, and consequently their aim was better. Pat
changed his arms into shields and protected the party even though they
had laughed at him. He wasn't about to save them again, though. They
climbed into the planes and took off into the air. Flying over the
desert they saw a giant brown splotch in the sand.
"I wonder what that is," said Kevin.
"It looks like anal spew!!!" cried Liam in joy.
"I dunno, but it seems that there are people down there trying to
signal us," Shiva added.
"Yeah huh? Lets see if they're saying anything on the radio," Pat
said.
The radio was turned on. "Hello the camel flies at
midnight. The vanilla ice cream is about to melt. " came
over that radio thang.
Suddenly there was a huge roar and a pretty big flash as the
backpack went off. "Looks like 5 megatons," Art said.
"Yeah... Now if we can only get those idiots to land," John said.
"Jim, aren't you using the radio?" Jay asked.
"Sure, but they're pretty stupid, they can't understand a thing I'm
saying, I mean the code I'm using isn't that hard. I just made it up 5
minutes ago."
"ARGGGHHH!! Give me the radio!" John insisted. " come in
Elitists! This is the Sarge! You can land on the chocolate; it's
solid. Pick us up!"
"Roger that... we're coming in."
The jets proceeded to land and then they all filled each other in
on what had happened... Then they started to plan the assault on
Baghdad.
From -> Back Slash
A backpack tactical nuclear device creates very little
radioactivity and fallout (not that I know anything about such things),
and what little was created was blown in the opposite direction by the
prevailing winds. And, since all of the D00Ds were wearing cool shades,
the glare didn't affect them either. So, the elitist group siphoned fuel
into the not-so-elitist group's jets, and they set out for Baghdad.
Jim and John were still traveling together, and singing songs about
Merlin the Happy Pig.
Arthur and Jay were also traveling together. Arthur had convinced
Jay not to tell the others about the lamp he had found, by threatening
to invoke Program 4-A-69.
Kevin was traveling with Liam, because he had the highest tolerance
to Liam's musical tastes and anal stench.
Pat was traveling alone, because he still couldn't get his arms to
retract and there wasn't any room left for a passenger in his jet.
Shiva wanted to travel with Pat (to see what else could stretch to
twenty feet long) but ended up traveling with Don instead.
As they set their course for Baghdad, they saw a vision on the
sands. They all saw the figure of Death pointing towards Iraq, saying
"This way to your Death!!" Death then strangled himself and collapsed.
It was a strange vision, but better than no vision at all.
"It's about time they gave me another scene!" George Bush fumed.
"I am the President, after all!!"
"This scene was only put in to provide atmosphere, sir," Sununu
replied.
"Look at those anti-war protesters outside, doing that sign-
carrying, picketing thing," Bush said, pointing out of the bulletproof
window. "Makes me sick, them thinking they know everything."
"Well, sir, see that person over there, the one leading the
protest? A couple of months ago he was protesting the fact that Robert
Plant stole his own riffs. He also has very odd theories about Vanilla
Ice."
"Can't we just have him killed? Him and that other protester,
holding the -CHILLIN- sign?"
"I'm afraid not, sir."
"Well, maybe if Team Dragnet returns successfully from Iraq, we can
hire them for other covert jobs, like these protesters. Not much chance
of that though, is there?"
"Not really, sir."
From -> Homey The Clown
Back in his quaint little home in Woonsocket, Homey watched the
news about anti-war protests and demonstrations happening near the White
House. "What faggots! They sort of remind me of Cannon Ball and
Drewman! I wish I could be there to beat their heads into the ground!!"
Bippety boppoty boom! Homey now stood in the same room with George
Bush!! "Hey, I guess dreams really do come true, eh?"
"Who the hell are you?!?" screamed Bush.
"Why, Homey T. Clown, famous student at WJHS and DragNET caller."
"Well, get the hell out of here unless you want to do something
about those stupid protesters! Especially the one with the -Chillin-
sign!! It's giving me a goddamn headache!!"
"What am I going to get???"
"You'll meet Saddam in a few hours if you don't do something!!"
"God!! Give me a few minutes!! I'm only 12!!" Homey paused.
"Hmm... You wouldn't happen to have 30 pounds of liquid lime jello and
an M-79 "Blooper" grenade launcher around here, would you?"
From -> Back Slash
"Wait!" White House chief of staff Sununu said, as the secret
service officers prepared to drag Homey out and shoot him. "Don't get
rid of him yet!"
"You mean, I'm saved?" Homey asked. "You want me to help you deal
with the anti-war protesters and Saddam Hussein?"
"No," Sununu replied. "I just thought we should let you live for a
while to cheer up Vice President Quayle. He's been depressed lately,
because Mr. Bush won't let him do anything with the war, but he loves
clowns. Think you could cheer him up?"
"Homey don't play that," Homey the Clown said. Then he heard the
secret service agents cock their weapons. "But Homey's willing to
learn!"
"Sir!" Hussein's newest general called out. "We're picking up five
jets flying in from Iran."
"Shoot them down!" Hussein exclaimed.
"But they're probably ours!"
"I hope so," Hussein said, "because that's the only way we'll ever
be able to shoot them all down."
The D00Ds continued to fly towards Baghdad. They were slowly
becoming pissed off since none of them had had any lines for two and a
half posts...
From -> Homey The Clown
The secret service agent picked Homey up like he was a little fly.
"Here you go! Right into Mr. Quayle's room!" said the ugly hulk. "And
you'd better be good!!"
"You bet your ass I'll be good! Hey, Mr. Quayle!! What's up!!??"
"Shut up!!" J. Danforth Quayle whined. "Oh, you're a clown, amuse
me!"
"Do you have a grenade launcher, some jello, and zip lock bags??"
Homey asked the vice president.
"Yes."
"Are those excuses for people out there pissing you off!?"
"Yes."
"Good!!" Homey smiled. "What's the weather supposed to be like!?!"
"30 degrees," Quayle said, consulting a newspaper, "with a wind
chill of 15 degrees."
"Moohahahah!! Get me those supplies and I'll get everybody in
America on your side! That's right, I said your side!! And it'll crack
you up too!"
"It had better!!" Quayle turned to a secret service agent.
"Poncho!! Get this clown what he wants!!"
"Make sure you put the jello in the bags, too!" added Homey.
After a few hours, Poncho came back carrying the equipment. He
laid it next to the window.
"Ahh... I see you know what I'm gonna do, eh?"
"Yes."
"Ok, put the jello in the launcher," said Homey. Homey thought to
himself, "Gee, this better work or this guy's gonna be real mad," Homey
continued, "Ok, now point it at the protesters and say 'clear the area
you scum, or face the wrath of Homey the Clown!'"
"No way!" Poncho protested. "I'll get shot for that!!"
"Ok, I'll say it then." Homey then repeated it.
"Homey is toast!" the protesters chanted. "Homey is toast!"
"Homey don't play that!!!" Homey pulled the trigger. Pooooff!!!
The jello hit the protesters...
From -> Cannon Ball
Although one of the protesters looked a little like him, the real
Cannon Ball was in the Persian Gulf on a Greenpeace ship helping to
clear up the oil spill. "Thanks, Cannon Ball," the captain said; "we
couldn't have done it without you."
"No problem at all," Cannon Ball replied. "Now I'm going to go
into Iraq and capture Saddam Hussein. I believe that he should stand
trial."
"You realize that a million people are in there trying to kill
him?" the captain asked.
"Even in war time, I have to follow my conscience," Cannon Ball
replied. Under cover of darkness he dived off the ship and swam toward
the shore.
From -> Shiva
Meanwhile, back in the deserts of the Middle East, the weary
travelers were traveling along when all of a sudden Homey the Clown came
through on the radio. It seemed that he was speaking, not to them, but
to a small child.
Shiva said, "What the fuck are these stupid little kids writing
themselves into the plot for? I don't think anyone under 15 should be
allowed to progress the storyline."
Everyone pondered upon this for a while and agreed.
"I'm hungry," said Jim, looking longingly at the crates of lime
jello.
"What else is new? Don't you ever think about anything other than
food?" asked Liam.
"Yeah, of course he does, he thinks about beer and sex, too," John
replied.
Pat, who had been thinking for a while (we could all smell the
smoke), then added, "do you realize how little the plot has progressed
in the past two or three days? At this rate, we're never going to get
to Saddam Hussein."
Everyone thought he had a point. Once again, they split up into
the same groups they had been in before. Pat even got to ride in the
same plane as the rest of them, because he finally figured out the trick
to those arms...
From -> Homey The Clown
Unfortunately, CB was really in DC and it was only his stunt double
posting that. And now, back to the story:
"Haha! I hit you! Haha!!"
The person carrying the -Chillin- sign became quite agitated and
pulled out a rather large gun, which was loaded and was cocked. The
other protesters, usually a big bunch of wimps without the protection of
the Constitution, ran like hell when they saw the gun and some maniac
starting to shoot it at the White House.
The House was getting loaded with lead and was falling apart and
would collapse if this continued. At the same time, two special agents
came out, ran, and dodged the fire only to have their chests burst by
anti-Saddam lasers. More poured out only to be knocked down by bullets.
"Oh well, some one has to stop this shit!" said what appeared to be
the real Cannon Ball. He tried to grab the gun, managed to get a hold
of it, then slipped on some jello and accidentally pulled the trigger
and shot himself in the foot. "Oww! My foot! My foot! Someone shot
my foot!"
In Mr. Quayle's office, the Poncho wasn't too happy.
From -> Zork Pendragon
A thought occurred to Arthur. "Goddammit, we're the D00Ds, and
we're the main characters of this story! We'd better complicate the
plot a bit more... Besides, I have to get away from the rest of you for
a while to check out my lamp OH WHAT A GIVEAWAY!!"
"Your what?!" Zork asked over the radio to the jet Arthur and Jay
were flying.
"My... lamp, uh, lampoon... uh, NATIONAL LAMPOON magazine, yeah,
it's a really good issue, Gilbert Gottfried's on the cover.."
"Oh," Kev replied, "so what're we gonna do?"
"Well, I think to confuse Saddam we should split up our jets... Me
and Jay will approach Baghdad from the north, John and Jim the south,
you and Liam from the east, and Don, Shiva, and Pat from the west."
"Fine by me," the others answered.
The planes split up.
"By golly, that clown has good aim," Veep Quayle thought, watching
Homey's assault on the protesters.
Homey continued his barrage for a bit longer, and then abruptly had
to stop. "Damn. Out of jello."
Quayle, who of course has the attention span of a two-year-old,
pushed Homey out the window to see what would happen. "So that's how
gravity works," he thought to himself.
The protestors caught Homey, and then began to smile ever so evilly
at him.
In the sea, approaching Saudi Arabia, Cannon Ball swam ever onward.
Of course, the ocean was now so polluted CB didn't even have to swim but
merely walked on the greasy oil's surface.
"Now you may ask yourself," CB spoke to no one in particular, "how
I can be in two places at once, Washington DC and here. Now I could
chalk this up to continuity problems (such as how the elite group had to
escape from the prison after they had already escaped) or I could tell
you the real reason. The truth is, I have a cloning machine! Ha ha
ha!"
It was true. When Cannon Ball reached Saudi Arabia there were 30
other Cannon Balls ready to greet him.
"I finally get to talk to people who agree with my political and
musical theories," CB exclaimed gleefully. "Now, my identical twin
brothers, we capture Hussein!" And there was much rejoicing.
From -> Back Slash
The D00Ds split up and flew in four different directions. This
was, oh, so very convenient, since there were four groups trying to hunt
them down.
Iranian jets sent to get the infidel bastards who nuked their POW
camp soon overtook Kevin and Liam. Since the Iranians were flying jets
that had been bought from the US, and the D00Ds had an old crate which
Iraq had bought from the USSR, the odds appeared to be in the Iranians'
favor. However, the Iranians had never counted on the insidious power
of Liam's anus (truly the Great Satan of bodily orifices). Liam mooned
the Iranians, which distracted them enough for Kevin to shoot the shit
out of them.
John and Jim hadn't been flying for long when they picked up the
American F-15's gaining on them. The Americans had detected the Iraqi
jets, and launched Tomahawk missiles long before Jim and John could do
anything to the Americans (not that they would have, anyway). However,
Jim was able to do some AMAZING maneuvering (which was only possible
because of recent beer imbibing) which caused the Tomahawks homing in on
him to collide with each other. While Jim was carrying out these
complex maneuvers, John was doing two things. First, he was trying not
to puke. Second, he was trying to contact the American pilots. He
transmitted the code words which were in his orders, and convinced the
American pilots to back off and let them continue.
Art and Jay detected the Iraqi jets at the same time that the
Iraqis detected them. This was not too surprising, since they were all
in the same type of plane. Jay cast a spell to make the sky cloudy.
Under cover of clouds, Arthur slipped in close and joined the Iraqi
formation. The Iraqis were too stupid to notice that they had an extra
plane in their group. When the Iraqis had decided that they had lost
the infidels, the turned around and headed back to their base. The
infidels, of course, went back with them.
Don, Shiva, and Pat were shocked to see Israeli planes streaking
across the sky to intercept them.
"I thought they were sitting out this war," Pat said.
"They must be elePISSED from all those scuds," Don said.
"Can you blame them for wanting to strike back?" Kristen asked.
"Yes," Pat replied, "because they want to strike back at US."
"We shouldn't shoot them down," Kristen said, "since they are our
allies and they just think that we're Iraqis."
"I have a plan," Don said. He took over control of the plane from
Pat, and gave Pat the cans of Spam that they had been saving for dinner
after they landed. "See if you can hit the Israelis with this."
"No problem!" Pat said. "Go go gadget arms!" Pat stretched his
arms out to an unbelievable length, and tossed cans of Spam into each
Israeli jet's cockpit. The Jewish pilots, unable to cope with being in
such close proximity to an unkosher pork product, were forced to eject.
Pat, Don, and Kristen flew over them and continued en route to Baghdad.
"My arms are stuck out again," Pat complained.
Pat, Don, Kristen, John, Jim, Kevin, and Liam all met later that
day in a safe house in Baghdad, which they had been directed to in their
secret orders. When Arthur and Jay failed to show up, they suspected the
worse and resolved to carry on without them. Now that they were in
Baghdad, they prepared for the next phase of their mission...
"What ever happened to 'Give Peace a Chance'?" Homey asked as the
protesters beat him repeatedly with their wooden signs.
Jay and Arthur were in an underground bunker with the Iraqi pilots
who had been sent out to shoot them down. No one had figured out yet
that they were not also Iraqi pilots, so they were free to move about
the underground base at will. "This is probably one of the last Iraqi
Air Force bases left," Arthur whispered to Jay. "Before we head to
Baghdad, we should probably try to blow this place up."
"You realize," Jay said, "that we'll probably never make it out of
here alive if we try that?"
"Maybe it's time for me to try this lamp," Arthur suggested.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Arthur produced the lamp from his pocket. "Now we don't know if
this will work or not, but we all by now probably guessed it will."
Arthur rubbed the lamp, humming the "I Dream of Genie" theme song.
Smoke billowed out of the lamp. Arthur was expecting this. The
Avatar, being from 161 AD Britannia, was also unperturbed. The smoke
quickly compacted and condensed into a vaguely short human shape. "I am
the genie of the lamp, but you can call me Moonbeam," the genie began.
"Thank you for releasing me."
"Ahem. Wishes," Arthur implied rather rudely.
"Very well, I can grant you three. There's a clause in my contract
that says you can't wish for more wishes."
"Standard arrangement," Avatar agreed.
"I wish this story had a comprehensive plot and storyline," Arthur
intoned.
"Even *I* have my limits!" Moonbeam retorted.
Cannon Ball decided to do a bit more cloning before his assault on
Baghdad. By the next morning the amassed Cannon Ball corps reached 300
people.
John, Jim, Kevin, Liam, Don and Kristen peered into the Baghdad
streets. All of them except for Pat, who was still trying to get those
goddamn arms to retract. Each brandished an Uzi, and a slight hangover
(all except Liam, who was also running out of straightedge songs to
quote, he had to settle for "Beer is queer," which isn't actually a
song, but no one noticed the difference anyway).
"Let's nail the bastard," John grunted.
From -> Homey The Clown
Unfortunately, the weather did not turn -30 so the jello failed to
freeze. "Goddammit!! Fucking stop hittin' (ouch!) me!! Fuck you!!
Hey, asshole!!" Homey was hurting.
From -> Back Slash
Homey elbowed Drewman in the crotch, and pushed him over. He then
made a run for it through the opening in the crowd that Drewman's
massive body falling had cleared. The peaceful anti-war protesters,
foaming at the mouth, started to pursue him. "Shit!" thought Homey. "I
was hoping this jello would freeze! This shit is useless!" Homey threw
the jello over his shoulder. A minute later, after hearing some very
strange sounds, Homey stopped and turned around.
All of the protesters (about half of which were Cannon Balls) had
slipped and fell in the jello, and were all complaining that they had
"fallen and can't get UP!!" Laughing, Homey ran back and began to kick
the living shit out of the prostrate protesters.
Half an hour later, when all that remained of the protesters was
red goo on Homey's shoes, two secret service men once again appeared at
Homey's side. "Come with us, please."
Homey was escorted back into the Oval Office. "I've changed my
mind," Bush began. "Can't just let you go loose, oh no, that wouldn't
be prudent. In fact, I think we've found a way that we can use you."
Bush handed Homey a stack of satellite photos which showed 512 Cannon
Balls marching toward Baghdad. "This person, all of him, might
interfere with an operation we've got going in the ITO [Iraqi Theatre of
Operations]. We want to send you over there to deal with them... er,
him."
"Certainly," Homey the Clown agreed enthusiastically. "I had never
realized before how much fun it was to beat the hell out of Cannon
Ball!" He considered for a minute. "I may have trouble with that many
of him, though. You'd better let me bring my partner, Lord Ice, with
me."
Half an hour later, Homey and Lord Ice were already streaking
across the Atlantic in a supersonic transport plane toward the Middle
East, heavily armed and even more heavily drunk.
From -> Shadowstorm
While the bunch of them were standing in the middle of Baghdad, Pat
finally contracted his arms as a hoard of lemmings attacked them on
their way to the sea! Pat yelled, "Everybody grab on!! Go-go gadget
helicopter!!" The entire bunch grabbed on and hung on for dear life.
Then Jim showed up. The entire bunch hung on for dear life (or, at
least, for their sensible shoes). Then, to their amazement, Jim showed
up following the lemmings that were going to their deaths like they had
intended in the first place. He tried to jump on to the chain and the
weight was to heavy for the gadget helicopter and everyone fell. Broken
body pieces were spread out on the owners. Liam jumped up and yelled,
"you broke the bag of lime jello that was in my pocket you big oaf!!" At
that point in time, Jim was not too happy about the whole situation.
And, wouldn't you know it, Jim had a full crate of jello in his pocket!
He then proceeded to hand out the jello to all of the people present and
said three words signifying the jelloing of Liam: "Ready, aim, SHIT!"
As everyone was getting set to launch their jello in Liam's general
direction, they all stopped motion and listened to the cry of a certain
peace person.
They heard, "stop! There shall be peace here whether you like it
or not!!" And who was there? Yes, folks, you guessed it, it was Cannon
Ball, standing on top of a nearby building which he jumped onto in a
single bound (from an elevator) with his chest bulging out and a red "S"
on his blue vest.
Kristen, Pat, and Don took their jello in hand and counted to
three... SPLAT!! CB was jelloed, and then the rest of the gang threw
their jello, except for liam who was still petting his jello and
comforting it from its fall. Then Jim said, "That's the best thing you
can do to shut him up?!" They all looked at each other and then focused
on CB...
Raising their uzis, they all smiled, and Don said, "eleTOAST".
CB's powerful expression turned to a look of immense fear.
"Blow the douche bag away," was heard from amidst the group, then
gunfire was heard and many sounds of gushing blood were heard.
Following this incident, the Warwick police showed up and surrounded the
bunch.
From -> Homey The Clown
"Let's get going." Homey and Lord Ice jumped from the very fast
plane and prepared to open their parachutes. "Damn!! My chute won't
open!! Help!! Ahhh, the ground's getting close!!!" screamed Lord Ice.
Spllaaattttt!!!!! Ice's body (Ice Ice Body?) broke into a zillion little
pieces of ice on the desert sand. Homey was amazed; then, saw some
bright lights and some very small object fall down a tower... but, the
commotion that Ice made also brought company.
"What the hell, more CB's!! I guess that's what this is for!!"
You see, amidst the noise, CB clones were running toward Iran, hoping it
would save them from complete destruction. Homey pulled out what
appeared to be a RoboCop gun and cocked it... pulled the trigger...
Badadadada bang!! One CB fell down, his stomach leaking and his guts
partially hanging out. The rest of the CB's ran like hell and the only
one with a weapon aimed, and then slipped on the guts and shot himself
in the crotch and screamed for mercy...
Meanwhile, up in the sky, Homey was shooting them down one at a
time and having fun every minute. "Hahaha!! This is SO much fun!!
Hey! What's this? Nerve gas!! lalala!!" Homey pulled the pin, threw
the grenade down, and in a second all the little CB's were twitching
like they had epilepsy attacks big time...
From -> Zork Pendragon
In the commotion of Pat, Don, Shiva, Jim and Liam's escapades (see
Don's post), which distracted Iraqis immensely, John and Kevin snuck
around to the back entrance of Hussein's palace.
"If the rest of them can keep up the diversion, we can probably get
into Saddam's private chambers," John figured.
"What to wish for... hmmm..." Arthur thought.
"I'm waiting!" Moonbeam screamed impatiently.
"So am I!" Jay yelled.
"Don't rush me, I wanna pick just the right thing..."
From -> Falcon
A squadron of F16's was launched to check out the massive
confusion. In the lead, however was one of the most daring USAF pilots
ever, commanding his F19 Falcon (give you one guess who the pilot was).
The reconnaissance squadron was launched to investigate a huge, massive
multitude of things in eastern Kuwait. Expecting to see Scuds, Falcon
and the rest of the squadron were quite surprised to see thousands of
CBs replicating uncontrollably, like a cancerous tumor. Some were being
pegged off by an Uzi, but nowhere near enough to daunt the
uncontrollable reproduction happening...
"Falcon One to base," cried the great, intelligent Falcon.
"Go, Falcon One!"
"I, I, I just don't know how to describe this..."
From -> Madmouser
As Kevin and Liam snuck into the palace they ran into a little
shaking man who promptly grabbed them and screamed "DO YOU HAVE ANY
VALIUM!?"
"Yes, we most certainly do!" cried Liam in shock.
"Thank you... Can I have 50 or 60?" asked the stranger.
"Sure, here you go," added Kevin.
The strangely familiar man gulped down the pills, and they steadied
him somewhat. As he ran out the door and towards the group causing the
distraction, Kevin's face lit up. "THAT WAS HUSSEIN!! GET HIM!!!"
"Oh no, not again," moaned Saddam as the 'elitists' came after him,
but in his panic and confusion he ran right into the rest of the gang.
"Hurry up!" screamed Moonbeam.
"I just don't know what to wish for," moaned Arthur.
"That's Hussein! Get him!!!!!!!" Kevin roared!
Splat! Hussein got hit with 10 pounds of jello, which knocked him
unconscious. The troops now had Saddam, but how were they supposed to
get out of Iraq?
"This is the Falcon. Sir: we can't wipe them all out. This will
be a disaster if you don't do something soon!"
"Right! Return to base. We're sending in the big guns."
"Roger."
From -> Shadowstorm
As soon as Saddam was in the troop's grasp, a huge booming voice
slammed the ears of all of the people in Iraq. The voice said, "THAT IS
MY SADDAM, GET YOUR OWN SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU DICKS!!!" To their surprise
it was the voice of the ever-disliked Lord Ice! He was the actual
manager of this war; he was the control panel that had Saddam doing all
of the dirty work, since Lord Water didn't have the spheroids to be the
front man.
Then appeared a huge movie screen above Saddam's bunker. Lord
Water appeared there and started yelling in the loudest NKOTB voice
possible. Then what appeared below the screen but the ever lovable
Electric Art, with a long pipe thingy attached to a backpack(oh what a
giveaway!) and also had a lighter in hand. "Ooops," said Art as the
screen lit up in a mad furious fire.
Then when the Iraqi forces tried to capture Arthur, he disappeared
from sight and the troops had been bewildered. They looked up in a
scared amazement listening to the screaming sounds of the F16 (see the 6
not the 9!).
The F16 swooped down and buzzed the Iraqi forces and three
helicopters followed. There were large liquid distributors mounted on
the bottom of the helicopters which sprayed out large, even amounts of
flammable jell-o. The F16 circled back and started to launch missiles,
but before the missiles could hit, Back Slash had thrown his trusty
lighter into the mess and started the lands on fire. He then proceeded
to place his backpack on the ground and fiddled with the contents of the
pack. Back Slash raised his hand and yelled, "Get the hell out of here,
PICK ME UP first you geeks!"
The choppers swooped down and picked up stragglers; Don, Pat, and
Kristen showed up in three jets, an F14 tomcat, SR-71 Blackbird, and
stealth fighter. They destroyed Lord Ice and his bunker with no real
reason since Back's pack (punny), was filled with large amounts of
nuclear material (oh what a giveaway!!). The entire bunch screwed out
of the area and slowed down then turned around and saw a large mushroom
cloud covering the city, area and nearby continents. A large "SON OF A
BITCH WE DID IT" was heard above the explosive roar (shyea right) and
they then started to call themselves the "Jello rangers".
"Now we're off to conquer new lands, buildings and, yes even
tyrants!" said the co-leader of the gang, John.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Flying away in the Tomahawk chopper, the D00Ds watched the giant
explosive mushroom cloud go up. Moonbeam cleared his throat and said,
"You've used up two wishes already, one for the nuke and one to teleport
you and your companion (he waved at Jay) to your other allies. You have
one wish left."
"What's this about wishes?" Kevin asked, curious.
"I'd wish for a radio show... HINT HINT FALCON!" Liam exclaimed
not-so-subtly.
Back in Saudi Arabia, it seemed the war was over, due to an
unwarranted terrorist nuking of Baghdad. The D00Ds thought it
unnecessary to explain Saddam's puppetness to the officials, who
probably would have never believed a word of it anyways (I'm writing it
and I don't really believe it). Of course the massive army of Cannon
Balls spent their time cleaning up all the nuclear waste. Homey the
Clown set off for Saudi Arabia.
In the White House, George Bush was ecstatic. "They actually did
it! Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!" he exclaimed.
The Pentagon realized they needed scapegoats for the nuking. They
had them. Upon exiting the landing copter, John, Arthur, Jim, Liam,
Kevin, Pat, Don, Kristen, Jay, Falcon, and Homey the Clown were promptly
arrested and thrown into a maximum-security prison, pending trial.
Moonbeam the genie was with them as well. "Come on man, just one
more to go! Act now and I'll even give you an interstellar spaceship!"
Arthur, never one to turn down a bargain, caved in. "I wish we
D00Ds were out of this prison."
All of the prisoners (except, of course, Homey who is not a D00D)
were subsequently teleported to a spaceship roughly the shape of the
Mass AV van that was orbiting a planet none of them had seen before.
Moonbeam was still with them. "I have no powers left... might as well
hang with you guys for a while."
The teleport portal was closing fast, Homey knew he had no time to
waste; quickly he jumped into the portal and found himself in the back
of the large Mass AV van, unnoticed by the 11 D00Ds. For fear that they
would throw him out, he hid. For now.
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey hid in a little corridor, and then ran for the elevator. He
pressed a button labeled "Time Warp Activation Level" and then held onto
his hat... "Bing!" rang the elevator bell, and Homes stepped out onto a
big platform with a huge machine and a button and a keypad in the
corner.
"Ahhhh! Let's try this!!" He pressed AD 161 Britannia. The
machine whined and flashed and whined and flashed some more, then it
sent a vibration larger than a nuclear weapon would and shocked the ship
pretty bad, but it held still... and then a large boom, echoing through
the halls...
Homey looked out a small monitor and saw a forest and a waterfall
in the background...
From -> Back Slash
After several frantic days of commando action, the D00Ds needed a
rest. They camped out in the field near the waterfall, ate fresh fruit
from nearby trees, and had a jolly old time.
"I feel like the fucking Smurfette, surrounded by all you guys,"
Kristen said. "Are you guys SURE you don't find me voluptuous? Speak
up, I may be the only bitch around..."
"We couldn't even get our own women before heading out here," John
complained.
"That would just complicate matters," Arthur said. "There are too
many characters here already." Arthur pulled out a gun and said, "Maybe
I should start cutting down the numbers."
"Once we have a purpose," Kevin suggested quickly, as the gun
oriented on him, "we can split up into teams and get silly again.
You'll see."
"Arthur's just having a post-adventure letdown," Jim explained.
"Someone come up with a plot. Now!"
From -> Cannon Ball
Cannon Ball Prime (the original) stood on the balcony. He was
still wearing his vest with the big S on it because it was bulletproof.
This wasn't the first time that a group of reactionaries tried to shoot
him down and wouldn't be the last time. He stood on the balcony and
watched as hundreds of legally copied Cannon Ball Archival Back-Ups
dealt with the mess the war and the D00Ds had left behind.
Radioactivity had to be cleaned up. Bridges and hospitals had to be
rebuilt. The government had to be re-established. Cannon Ball could
have become the new ruler of Iraq (there were enough of him so that he
could have voted himself into power) but he chose instead to find where
the D00Ds had gone. He assembled the Cannon Ball Corps and the combined
concentration of all of that brainpower was able to open a portal to
where the D00Ds had gone...
The D00Ds were all asleep on the grass as the hoards of CBs poured
into 160 A.D. Britain and surrounded them. The D00Ds were all tied to
trees and helpless. "And now," said Cannon Ball, "for the hot fudge
sauce!"
Unknown to them all, Homey the Clown was still in the van. Since
he didn't know how to use the van controls to escape, Homey came up with
a plan to rescue the D00Ds from the thousands of Cannon Balls who were
brewing something in a large pot.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Homey tried to start the van. "Darn, I wish Mommy had taught me to
drive. I'd better rescue the D00Ds so I can get home in time for
supper."
Tied to trees, the D00Ds watched as the CBC (Cannon Ball Corps)
were about to cook them and eat them. "Cannibalism is not socially
elite!" Liam protested.
"Ah, but Cannonballism is!" they responded in unison.
An idea occurred to John. "Wait! Let me go and... and... I'll
give you a userbabble!" The CBC pondered...
From -> The Avatar
Just as Cannon Ball was about to FUBAR the D00Ds, The Avatar had a
thought. "Hey, we transported to 161 AD, and CB said in his post that he
went to 160 AD... He's still got a bloody year to wait before we even
appear here!"
The Avatar thought he had saved the D00Ds but then Kevin said,
"Remember the continuity thing."
"Oh yeah... Hey, I tried..."
Cannon Ball then proceeded. The thought of finally having a
userbabble, however, remained in his mind.
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey thought for a while. "Why the hell should I rescue them!?
They would let me die!!" Homey said to himself. "Bloody hell!!" Homey
pulled out a BB gun, pumped it about a trillion times, then walked out
and saw the CBC. He took a look at the pot, figured out a trajectory
solution, and fired.
PING!!
Because Homey had pumped it up so much, it bounced off the pot and
started speeding through all of the CB's. Every few seconds, another
one died. Homey sat there watching with glee as the last one died
except the real Cannon Ball. The pellet landed in the gun ready to be
fired again. "Hahaha! It's about time you meet your end!!" Homey
looked on with glee as he pulled out a dagger and threw it with the
accuracy that only a thief could manage. It sped through the air and
hit CB in the head (since bulletproof vests only go up to the
shoulders). His miserable husk hit the ground with a "thud". Homey
looked at the D00Ds and said, "Why should I rescue you? You'll probably
dump me here so I can die without any girls."
Homey pulled the dagger out of CB's head and cut John, Art,
Kristen, Liam, and Matt out of the ropes holding their legs and hands
together. "Now you can do whatever you want, just take me with you!! I
don't feel like dying here!!"
From -> Shiva
After the D00Ds were released from their bonds (kinky, eh?) they
quickly proceeded to tie up Homey and throw him in the back of the Mass
AV van.
"Hey, what the fuck are you guys doing? I saved you. How could
you do thi...." before he could finish his irritating babbling, Pat
gagged him with duct tape. (How did they get it in 161 AD? There's no
continuity, maybe it was already in the van.) Nothing more was heard
from HTC.
"So guys," said Don, "what are we gonna do now?"
"I know," said Sir Jell-O of Lime, "we can search for the Holy
Grail, just like they did in Monty Python's movie."
And suddenly a revelation hit Art. "The Audi's back," he said,
enthusiastically.
"Really?" said John. "No, come on, give me a break. How do you
know this, Art?"
"God told me. It's just behind these trees over here." They drove
the van through the trees and tapped the back of something.
"OH MY FUCKING JESUS!" exclaimed the ever un-hysterical John. "It
really is the Audi!!"
Then everyone exclaimed: "Once again, kids, it's AUDI D00Dy time."
Liam replied, "Just like the good old days. Maybe ETHEL's around
here somewhere too."
"Gee, I dunno," responded Art. "God didn't tell me about that
one..."
From -> Homey The Clown
"Mmmmmmmmm!!!" Homey couldn't say a fucking word with this shit on
his mouth. Hahaha! He moved his knee somewhat upward and a knife
appeared through his grayish jeans and cut the ropes. He then,
painfully, tore the tape off his mouth and held in the pain without
screaming. He drew the dagger, walked away, and saw the D00Ds marveling
at something. Homey took the dagger and took aim. Madmouser's shirt
pinned to a tree, what a plan! He threw it. Unfortunately, Homey was
not the greatest of throwers, and cut Pat's arm along with him stuck to
the tree.
"Hey! How come I can't move? It's only my shirt!!"
"Super glue," Homey gloated.
Art screamed, "who the hell do you think you are!!??"
"Shut the fuck up!!" Homey pulled out another knife and a gun (I
wonder where I get all these wonderful toys). He pointed the gun at Art
and the knife at John. "I saved your asses from becoming chocolate
frosted, and what do I get? Tied up by a bunch of dicks! Well, tie
yourselves up, assholes! Now!" BANG! A bullet landed about ten
centimeters from Art's shoe. They all tied each other together with
only Kristen left. "Get the fuck down! I'm not in a very good mood!!"
Homey pulled out two pairs of metal handcuffs and put them on Shiva's
legs and hands. "Let's see you fucking get out of that!" She tried,
but alas, they would not budge.
He threw them all into remote areas of the Mass AV van and went to
the time-traveling device. He selected '1 AC, Krynn, Solomnia'. He
looked out of the monitor and saw a burning, blasted plain area, made
that way from the cataclysm...
From -> Moonbeam
Matt said, "Homey, you have the worst damn English I ever
saw/heard!"
Well, since the Audi is back, the wigglewumps drove back to their
little rented suite near the chasm. CLUNK! As the car slowed to a
halt, they looked back and to their not-so-surprise they saw John's
transmission sitting in a little heap on the side of the highway. "Fuck
it. We'll walk."
From -> Back Slash
"You realize, of course," Pat began, "that we're trapped here now
that Homey has the Mass AV van."
"Even that isn't suspenseful enough," Kevin replied. "We need more
of a plot that just THAT."
"Considering that the last plot twist was by Cannon Ball, it was
only natural that it sucked shit," asserted Shiva.
"Yeah, huh?" John agreed. "With writing like that, he doesn't
deserve a UserBabble."
"Although his spelling and punctuation are still better than some
of yours," Arthur chimed in, once again proud of his superior intellect.
"Fuck you," Liam replied, once again proud of his superior elitism.
"Wait a minute!" Don exclaimed. "Can't we just get back home
through a moon gate, like Avatar used in the first place?"
"The next moon gate isn't for a month," Avatar said. "After that,
we can go anywhere."
"I don't understand any of this," Falcon complained.
Homey was playing with the controls of the Mass AV van, trying hard
to figure out how to get home in time for dinner. He hit one sequence,
which programmed the van to leap to a random set of co-ordinates. Then,
before the van dematerialized, he hit the ejector seat button.
Homey was thrown out of the van, landed on his butt, and watched
the van disappear. "Shit!" Homey yelled. "Now I'm trapped here! This
is all those D00Ds' fault!!"
"You don't say," replied a coldly logical and emotionless voice.
"As I see it, a time machine would be much too disruptive to the story.
I don't mind seeing it go." The stranger, who looked so oddly familiar,
asked Homey to lead him back to the D00Ds.
"But they'll kill me!" Homey protested.
"It's very rare for characters to actually die in these stories,"
the stranger replied. "But since you've killed off another user,
perhaps I should kill YOU off."
Homey stopped protesting and started leading.
From -> Shadowstorm
"Why the hell are we back here?" screamed Pat.
"To continue the plot that a few jealous and stupid (Homey and CB)
characters couldn't keep going," said Arthur.
"Yes, let's look for the Holy Grail, or at least that house of very
horny young ladies!" said John with a glazed-over look in his eyes.
"Yeah, let's find the whore house," yelled the rest of the gang,
except for Shiva (she's not a lesbian, to our knowledge), in unison.
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey wandered for a little while. "Come on then, I heard about a
stash of weapons up north, in a huge plain area, like the central US
plains. Some of the weapons may even be strong enough to kill the rest
of the wandering CBC around here... and maybe there'll be some women!!"
They wandered aimlessly until they saw the D00Ds, then he said,
"Wait. Wait until I say to jump, ok Homey??"
"Yeah."
"Jump!!"
About twenty minutes later all of the D00Ds were knocked out with
large bumps on their heads. "Now that I have what I want, I want you to
be like them." Clunk! He hit mike on the head.
Mike awoke with the D00Ds on his left side. "Great! This is just
like a Hawaiian vacation!!"
"Homey, this isn't a vacation for us either," replied Liam.
"Well, we'll have to work together or we'll all die, OK?" said
Homey.
"OK, only for now."
Homey sat up, pulled out another knife (I wonder how many I have
left in here) cut their bonds, and waited for the rest of them to regain
consciousness. He had the knife prepared for anything, as he did not
trust them.
From -> Back Slash
Arthur awoke, confused. "What the hell happened? We were walking
around, trying to decide what to do, when we were knocked out, disarmed,
and tied to trees. Did a new subplot arrive while I wasn't looking?"
Trying to look innocent, Homey said, "I have no idea. I was
knocked out just like you guys were. I don't know what's happening."
"Bullshit," the stranger said. "I find you, and ask you to help me
find a group of well-armed adventurers. We find such a group, and you
attack them."
Homey gasped, but was unable to speak.
"Your weapons are over there," the stranger continued. "Re-arm
yourselves, deal with the clown as you will, and then I will tell my
story."
The D00Ds gathered up their weapons, kicked the protesting Homey a
few times, and then asked the stranger to tell his story...
THE STRANGER'S STORY:
"I am called the Electric Monk. I am from a monastery thirty miles
to the north. My order, the Abbey of the Bavarian Illuminati, was the
guardians of a powerful magical artifact called the Off-White Orb of
Ordinath. A year ago, an evil wizard named Tio Sancho attacked our
monastery, killed all of the monks but me, and stole the Orb.
"Sancho has been studying the Orb, and will make his move soon. A
skilled magician may do anything he wishes with the Orb, and Sancho
wishes for nothing less than complete dominion over the Earth, and a
six-foot tall voluptuous babe. It is vital that we get the orb from him
before it's too late.
"I need your help. Will you assist me in defeating the evil Tio
Sancho and recovering the Off-White Orb of Ordinath?"
"No," said Arthur, pulling out his gun and shooting the Monk. "We
need a better plot than THAT."
Jim looked at his watch. "One month to the next moon gate."
From -> Shadowstorm
After Jim looked at his watch, he pressed his communicator and
said, "personal log, star date: NOW! It is 161 AD, and we're waiting
for another moon gate to arrive. We'll be heading towards the monk's
monastery to see if getting the orb was worth a piece of the plot.
Jim... out!"
A voice came back from nowhere saying, "Gotchya, kiptin, will be
wutchin' fer ye!"
Everyone looked up in unison, "Scotty?"
But anyway, the gang headed north towards the E-monk's monastery.
They approached some friendly looking monks and asked them about the
orb. One of the monks described it as a supernatural power god of the
ages.
Arthur looked at him then at Jim, then back at the monk and a shot
rang out and the D00Ds looked at Art's pocket to see the pocket's nipple
facing the monk and smoke leaving the pocket. "Still too corny!" said
Arthur with a smile.
The D00Ds wandered aimlessly for a couple of days picking food off
bushes, and trying to find some friendly warm bushes to drink from.
Then five days from the monastery they found paradise!! A colony full
of lonely women that were 5'11", had blonde hair, blue eyes, and size 50
double D bras and legs to their ears!! Many ripe vegetables appeared in
the pockets of the men (cucumbers, I think!). There was a mass-loud
scream erupting from a lot of people; the D00Ds were in love and yelling
about it. "Attack!!!" yelled the younger half as they ran in tackling
about ten women at a time.
From -> Madmouser
After taking their fill of the women, Pat and John (who had
abstained from the women) remarked that they had heard the women talking
and found out that 20 or 30 of them had syphilis.
They were told by the head monk to make a pilgrimage to the Chasm
of Purging where their disease would be cured. The only problem was
that the Chasm was over 50 miles away over rough terrain. The party
packed up some pack animals and set out. About four miles out of the
monastery they came across a little stream that they had to cross.
There was a little bridge over this little stream that they had to
cross, and standing in front of the bridge was a not so little knight
dressed in black armor. What would happen to our heroes? Call back
later and find out!
From -> Tio Sancho
While the hapless adventurers set out on their quest to the Chasm
of Purging, Tio was hunched over his scrying pool, following them on
their journey. Half-formed creatures scurried around him, babbling
incoherently. These were his "experimental mutations".
"Ahh, Master Tio, I see you are watching the Electric Monk and his
friends... Do you think they give a flying fuck about that orb you stole
so ingeniously?" whispered his latest unidentified mutant creation.
"MOHAHAHAHA!!" cried Tio with an evil grin on his face. "Do you
think we should give them a little distraction? What do you suggest, my
mutated friend?"
"Ahh, master, send them the black knight!" cried the little
monster.
"An excellent idea, my irradiated comrade," muttered Tio, grabbing
a conveniently placed medallion inscribed with an evil symbol looking
something like a cross between Mickey Mouse and an iron dildo. He
grabbed on to the medallion, lifted it over his head, and began the
necessary ritual to summon the black knight: "Now you put your right
foot in, and your left foot out, and you do the Hokey Pokey and you
shake it all about.."
A large blue flash sprung forth from the medallion, and the dark
knight appeared on the other side of the bridge the adventurers had been
crossing...
From -> Moonbeam
"None shall pass."
"Excuse me?"
"None shall pass."
The D00Ds were stumped. Nothing had ever been blocking their path
before, not even Homey or Drewman.
BOINK! Homey instantly appeared in front of them!
"Oops," said Tio.
"Bait!" cried Art.
"Yeah!" the others said with pleasure.
They picked up the fat person and hurled him into the pit. The
black knight leapt off the bridge towards a canyon filled with Elvis
impersonators.
"Nooooooo!" cried the little boy.
"Yes!" said the D00Ds.
Art broke down crying. Jay noticed that Arthur had not
participated in the tossing of Homey.
"Why so glum?" asked Don. "We just got rid of the lamest person in
the universe."
Art cried and cried and finally said, "but he was my only child!"
From -> Shadowstorm
As the D00Ds traveled, they were getting bored and tired, not to
mention horny, but all throughout their perilous journey, the masterful
creator of halflings, or at least half-baked things (Tio) was watching
their every move.
Then, unbeknownst to them but beknownst to Tio, a new fellow
appeared just beyond the clearing ahead. They came upon him and asked,
"who the fuck are you, you little twerp?!"
He replied, "I'm Kid Carson, you horny bastards!"
Patmouser got all offended and yelled, "the horny bastards had been
resolved a long time ago!!"
"Sorry, toothpicker!" the Kid had said with a laugh. "I'm a new
character to this story, and so am I, oh shut up you, no, you shut
up..."
"Shut up both of you, uh... you..." said Arthur in weirdment.
The kid stated, "sorry, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I!"
"Well we're all weird, so why don't you join along in our quest for
life, or at least our quest for keeping our penises in nice shape!"
exclaimed Avatar.
"Yeah what the hell," said a few other D00Ds.
The motley crue (Crue? EXCELLENT! schwing!! (Sorry Bill/Ted
thingy)) went on their way to the purgatory place and figured out what
would happen next when the next person called and posted.
From -> Homey The Clown
The real Homey was not thrown off the cliff, it was really a clone
made by the CBC when he was parachuting down and nerve-gassing them.
The real Homey was in a castle, with an awesome looking blonde, healing
him with the powers of sex (hehe)!
From -> Madmouser
Homey stayed in the castle for five months, but what he didn't know
was that the very first girl the he fucked had syph, so he died a
painful and quite nasty death. (Tough luck eh?)
Now, as the D00Ds were walking down the trail after getting rid of
the black knight, Tio was in his tower raging. "What the fuck do you
mean they killed my knight?"
"Yes master... They threw him off the little bridge and he drowned
in the little stream," replied the henchman who then got blasted into
little teensy weensy pieces by Tio.
"It's sooooooo hard to find good help these days," said Tio.
Tio then proceeded to create the most devious plan to date to get
rid of the D00Ds. The spell he used hadn't been used in thousands of
years, but that meant nothing to him. As he was casting the spell he
thought that he could imagine the horrible vicious beast that would
appear to do his bidding, but when the spell was done and the obligatory
puff of smoke had cleared he saw that there was a little white bunny
rabbit. A little less than amused he sent this 'monster' to try as best
it could to kill the D00Ds.
As the D00Ds were walking down the path heading for the chasm, a
huge earthquake made a crack appear in the road that the party couldn't
get across, but after careful searching Don found a little unused path
the was quite overgrown. As they started down it don remarked, "Thank
goodness we found this path, I really didn't like the look of that
crack, I remember what the last one did to me..."
There were many groans from the party.
As the D00Ds walked down the path it ran into a little box canyon,
which had only one visible exit, the way they had entered.
Tio was watching this with glee. They were walking right into his
trap. With his orb-enhanced powers, he made another earthquake happen
and sealed off the canyon, and in the earthquake the cave where the
bunny was waiting opened up. The bunny was happy in an evil sort of
way, because he hadn't killed anyone in a couple thousand years.... He
started to sharpen his teeth as the humans approached the cave. As they
drew closer he started to drool.
From -> Back Slash
Arthur had not used the syphilis-laden females either, because he
wanted to keep his testicles. Donna had threatened to remove them once
when he took her to a club but was caught french-kissing another woman
in the parking lot. But that is another story.
However, the strain of killing the Electric Monk, who was another
manifestation of himself (1800 years later, the spirit which had been
the Electric Monk would be reincarnated once again as Arthur), and the
confusion of having his personality changed several times (to program 4-
a-69, among others) had caused Arthur's already fragile psyche to snap.
Deliriously babbling about his only child having been killed (which had
happened in his last life, and which the killing of Homey had reminded
him of), Arthur ran away from the party. He was screaming hysterically,
and traveling in a straight line over or through anything in his way.
The party decided not to try to chase him (they knew better than to
mess with him when he was less sane than usual), and continued on
without him. Which is a pity, because Arthur (under Program 4-A-69) was
precisely what they needed to deal with the killer bunny which awaited
them.
But they didn't know this, and continued on in blissful ignorance
(which is how most of them habitually traveled anyway). However,
Arthur's sudden attack of past-life indigestion was a blessing in at
least one way: the evil wizard, Tio Sancho, was not able to watch two
places at the same time with his scrying device. Since Arthur was
(coincidentally) heading straight for Tio Sancho, the wizard was
watching Arthur. Therefore, Sancho's eyes were off of the rest of the
D00Ds, who were able to deal with the rabbit without further
intervention by the Orb-wielding mage.
But how are they supposed to deal with the killer bunny? Shit.
That's not my problem...
From -> Tio Sancho
"Who is this guy?" muttered Sancho. "What the HELL does he think
he's doing?"
"Ugg, shmmaaster, ahhh, uggg, should I deall withhhh himmm?" moaned
a writhing abomination. "I will hold him, and cuddle him, and pet him
and call him George."
"Hmmm... A two-ton monster cuddling ANYBODY would be interesting,"
Tio thought to himself. "Go ahead. That will, hopefully, deter him from
his current objective."
As Tio watched Arthur, our hopeless group of adventurers, having
dealt rather efficiently with the rabbit, faced another problem-how to
scale the immense stone walls which he had created with his earthquakes.
Tio, having noticed by now that his plan was utterly foiled, was
screaming in utter, absolute, terrible anger. He decided to BLAST them;
to utterly, irreversibly destroy them. So he cast his blasting spell.
The adventurers were immediately covered with a mound of inflatable
girls named Taiwan. They knew their names were Taiwan because that's
what was stamped on the undersides of their feet. So from there, it was
no problem to blow up the girls, bite their tits, and fly to ground
level as the pressure was released.
Tio, being majorly upset at this time, started -- yes, he did -- he
started to want to GIVE UP. To STOP trying to harm the party of
adventurers and continue in his quest for a 6 foot tall voluptuous
babe...
What Tio didn't know was the side effect of all this spell casting
was to turn Lord Ice into something like Lord Yellow Piss. Lord Yellow
Piss, of course, was pissed. And he headed toward Tio.
"Hopefully, he hasn't been killed off already," said Aaron, the
person writing this post.
From -> Shadowstorm
He decided that destroying Tio was out. Putting him in limbo with
a few Dance Fever dancers would be enough. Tio was gone and a new
master ruler was in the story. The thing is, he is a lot stupider!
This personification of brilliance then decided to blow the planet
up!! EVERYONE DIED AND WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
(Sorry, depression can do that type of thing!)
This brain then decided to knock the wall down and with his full
brain cell, he knocked the wall down. Away from the travelers!
Everyone was safe, and now they were in the Chasm.
"THINGIE! THINGIE THINGie THIngie Thingie" echoed throughout the
cavern as the D00Ds yelled it in unison hoping there would be some
alcoholic beverage-type stuff awaiting them in their time of genital
pain.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Falcon, Don, Matt, and Jay began frantically searching through the
chasm of purging for the cure to their hideous venereal disease,
shouting, "Hello, is a cure there?" in repetition.
Watching slightly amusedly, John, Pat, Jim, Kevin, Liam and Shiva
sat down and discussed quantum physics. (It's already been stated that
John and Pat didn't want to cheat on their female units, Jim, Liam and
Kevin felt the same way. Shiva abstained for obvious reasons.)
Arthur was running through the woods, destroying several small
villages in the process.
The evil wizard Tio Sancho, pissed that no one was paying the
slightest bit of attention to his devious schemes, began to whine and
pout.
"Where the fuck is that purging chasm!?!" Don screamed.
"Hi-ho fellas", a new voice sounded.
"Oh shit", Kid Carson (did I forget to mention he was lookin' fer
the chasm too? sorry) muttered, "Homey's back."
"Fucking dick! How many times do we gotta kill him?!" Matt
screamed.
"Well", Jay began philosophically, "there is another role he could
fill. In ancient Dragnet stories, there were always some 'losers' in the
party who could take the brunt of the damage inflicted by enemies. This
was usually fulfilled by the younger users, in the old days it was me
and Kev, ESPECIALLY KEV... unfortunately, since we've grown up and
gotten lives in the interim, I think Homey may be able to fill our
shoes..." (Jay thought a bit, then shook his head saying, "Nah, NO ONE
could be as big a loser as Kev was when he was 12...")
"I say we kill him anyway!" Matt screamed.
"You realize," Falcon explained, "that if he doesn't become the
'group loser', that may fall onto the next-youngest person in our group,
who just happens to be you..."
"Welcome aboard, Homey!"
"Oh goody-gumdrops!"
"Where the fuck have they gone?!" Kevin asked no one in particular,
kicking some sand.
"I dunno, but if we split up and look for them, maybe some silly
things will happen to us," John suggested.
John, Jim, and Pat went to look for Arthur, realizing that only Jim
would maybe be able to calm Arthur down, while Kevin, Liam and Shiva
entered what appeared to be a very interesting-looking cave to try and
find Falcon, Don, Jay, Matt and Kid Carson (and Homey, but they didn't
know that yet).
From -> Back Slash
After having killed over a thousand innocent bystanders and several
brown badgers, Arthur shut down and stood completely motionless under an
elm tree. Tio's malformed servants attacked him with every means at
their disposal; but not only were they unable to harm him in any way;
they weren't even able to make him notice them. Several of them killed
each other in frustration, and the rest whimpered back to Tio Sancho to
report their failure.
Jim, John, and Pat watched the creatures leave. "Now I can try to
reactivate him," Jim said. "If I had turned him on before, the
creatures would have ripped him apart."
"You can turn me on any time," John said to Jim, batting his eyes.
Holding their aching dicks in their hands; Don, Jay, Matt, and
Falcon climbed through the chasm seeking the syph cure. They eventually
came to bridge leading over the fog-shrouded bridge. Before they could
cross, however, the crazy old man from scene 29 jumped out.
"Before thee can cure thy aching wee-wee, first thee must answer
these questions three..."
"Arthur on," Jim commanded. "System reset. System Test. Load
personality one."
Arthur got up and asked, "So, what have I missed?"
"The four of us are here, about to be attacked by Tio Sancho
again," John informed Arthur. "Don, Falcon, Jay, and Matt are about to
answer some questions about unladen air-speed velocities of migrating
falcons in the hopes of curing their dicks. Homey and Kid Carson are
with them, so that we can have some characters answer incorrectly and be
hurled into the chasm."
"Good idea," Arthur said. "And it's about time we had a recap,
too."
"Tio is about to be attacked by Lord Ice, but only if Lord Ice is
still alive, and we're pretty sure he's dead."
"Maybe," Arthur suggested, it's Lord Ice's GHOST about to attack
Sancho. That would be less of a strain on continuity."
"We'll keep that in mind," Pat said. "Kevin, Liam, and Shiva are
also hanging around in the chasms, but they're not doing anything that
we know of."
"Maybe," Jim said, "they should make some kind of discovery..."
"Hey, guys!" Shiva yelled. "Look what I found!!"
From -> The Avatar
Jay agreed that Homey would make a perfect group loser, although
not QUITE as good as Kevin in the old days. As the five walked through
the cavern hopelessly looking for a cure, Don had a revelation. "Hey!
Maybe if I just ran around hitting things and yell and scream real
FUCKING LOUD we'll find the FUCKING cure!!!"
"Easy Don," said Jay, "the banks will be open today."
"What the hell did that mean?" asked the other members of the
party.
"Aren't inside jokes allowed in this story?" said Jay.
"NO!" screamed Homey.
Breaking in Homey as the group loser, Jay and Don (mostly Don)
began to pummel Homey with all the heavy objects they could find. This
new position seemed to be working out real well for Homey...
"Uh, guys," said Matt, "We still have to find that cure thingy...
Even if it is a rather silly plot twist and doesn't really fit in with
the rest of the story..."
"But then, not much does," remarked Kid Carson.
"Well, Mark," said Jay with growing anger, "if you hadn't treated
your old girlfriend with such un-nice-ness you wouldn't be looking for
this cure right now."
"Oh well, I don't care," said Mark.
So the group walked on... Looking... Looking... Then after about
three hours, thirty-eight minutes of searching, Jay saw something in the
distance... It was glimmering... shining... glistening...
As Jay approached the object, he yelled out "I think I found the
cure!" As he came closer, Jay could make out the word "Disintegration".
Yes, he had indeed found the Cure...
From -> Madmouser
Everyone crowded around Jay pushing and shoving to be the first to
be CUREd, but when they got there, they saw that it was only a Cure
tape.
"Well I thought it was the cure," mumbled Jay.
The party groaned, then started to break Jay in as the group loser,
but before they got too far, Jay dropped the tape box and it opened, and
there was a piece of paper in it that had directions for curing...and
this is what it said:
CURING
IN ORDER TO BE CURED YOU MUST FIRST RUN THROUGH THIS CHASM YELLING
'HELLO IS JOHN THERE?' THEN YOU MUST GO THROUGH THE MISERY OF BEING A
FAT MAN, THEN YOU MUST APPEASE THE CHASM GODS AND YOU ARE CURED.
"What the hell does that mean?" asked Don.
"I don't know," replied the Avatar.
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey looked at it. "Hmmm... Let's try this!! Hello, is John
there?" Homey waited for the echoes to die down. "Come over here, Art."
He tied Art and himself together and tried to walk. "Ugh!! Goddammit!
Now I know what my brother feels like!! Well, I got the first two
things finished! Just answer the third (I think)... Wait! I've got a
cure in my pocket!" Mike pulled out a plastic bag with green leaves in
it. "I got this from some guy in one of my afterlives. He said this
planet's women carried sexual diseases, so he gave me this to cure any
of the many illnesses. All you have to do is eat it, just make sure you
do have a disease, or else you die." Mike put a huge grin on his face.
"Eat up!" He passed it around to all of the people; they then ate it,
including Art.
From -> Shadowstorm
As soon as the leaves were eaten by these people, Don looked around
and thought, then spoke in a rather pissed off voice, "why is it that
every time someone posts on this board, they seem to be magically cured
of syph since 'they all were trying to be honest with their
girlfriends'? It seems to me that some of these people were just trying
to keep from being a little humiliated and trying to make fun of those
of us without female companions." He thought a little more and yelled,
"OK OK OK, no one has syph it was obviously a cruel joke played on all
of us, then some of the wimpier people then decided to write themselves
out of it. Thin plot! Very thin plot!!"
As soon as he finished Shiva flipped her lid. "And what a nice lid
it was," Matt brown-nosed.
Shiva screamed, "Hey you cocksucking motherfuckers!!! LOOK WHAT I
FOUND!!!" Everyone screwed over there and "ooooooooed" and "ahhhhed"
all in unison (timing is everything).
They had found a few little boxes, one had a lot of little cubicle
things, one had some knobs and a big flat black thing, one had some
little square holes and some red lights, one had a long flat hole and
one had a knob and a lit red square. They were all connected together
somehow and were flashing. Someone yelled, "Oh my FUCKING lord (no, not
a normal lord, a "Fucking" lord) it's a COMPUTER!!"
Pat asked, "what kind?"
Don said "it's an IBM PC/XT with a 200 meg hard drive, a high
density 5.25 inch drive, a data compressor board, superVGA, 38Kbaud
modem and a short wave radio, not to mention the modular keyboard."
The question arose, "how do you know so much about these things?"
"I'd almost have to know about the best computer/computer market
ever on the face of the earth," Don said, adding, "it may go obsolete
quickly but at least all of them are compatible with the ones made
earlier than the current one!!"
They started playing with the thing and logged onto....
From -> Cannon Ball
While the other people were watching the computer, thirty-six
Cannon Balls were watching the people. These were clones that had seen
thousands of other clones and the original all killed by the same fat
little kid. They charged over the hillside. Arthur saw them and wanted
to switch into a terrorist guardian, but the Cannon Balls told him that
they just wanted Homey the Clown. "Fine, take him," Arthur said. "We
can always find other people to beat on." Homey was carried away by the
Cannon Balls and slowly filleted, carved, and dissolved in acid so that
not a single complex organic molecule remained. The last Cannon Balls
then retired to a monastery of their own and formed a new order try to
promote peace and environmental awareness now so that the future (1991)
wouldn't be so fucked up. "If only they just leave us alone," the
Cannon Balls hoped.
From -> Back Slash
"By killing me, they have only made me more powerful!" the spirit
of Homey exclaimed as he drifted across the countryside. "I am now one
with The Force!"
"More like one quarter with The Force are you," mentioned a
wrinkled green creature that appeared before him. "Much have you to
learn, indeed!"
"The first thing I have to do is kick some Balls! Cannon Balls!"
"No, no, no! Do that you must not!" forbade Yoda. "For this would
within you the Darker Side of the Force invite. Help your friends you
must."
"Well, if you insist, for now," Homey said. "At least they can't
use me as Loser anymore. They'll have to use Moonbeam."
"Already wants to beat him does Shiva," Yoda said. "Wants Shiva to
beat him does Moonbeam as well..."
Arthur tried to placate Don before he started tree-fopping people
(or people-fopping trees). "You yourself wrote the post where you gave
the syphilis-laden wenches to the D00Ds," Arthur pointed out. "And you
said that only the younger half of the group assaulted the women. Look
it up."
"Don't bother looking it up," John said. "Arthur's almost never
wrong."
"And if he is wrong, and you catch him in a mistake," Jim pointed
out, "he may just decide to kill you."
"In this case, he probably checked before talking," Pat guessed.
"Indeed," Arthur said. "And, as I'm probably the eldest D00D
(being twenty-four years old as of 3:15 PM today), I think it's fair to
conclude, even before I came out and said it, that I was not among those
who caught the dread syph. Besides, along with everything else in my
coat pockets, are condoms. If only people had thought to ask me for
they, some of them might not have been infected either."
"Do we have to waste our time arguing like this?" Pat asked.
"I'd much rather see what BBS Kristen managed to log onto in 161
AD," Arthur said. "This ought to be interesting."
"Where are Liam and Kevin?" Jay asked.
"Kevin is throwing Liam into the river," Falcon replied. "We voted
him to do it, since Liam's stench was getting overpowering."
"This is all very nice," Jim pointed out. "You do good dialog and
all, Art, but you haven't really advanced the plot at all."
"There's more to life than plot," Arthur pouted.
From -> Shadowstorm
"Arthur," Don said, "did you also happen to notice that the
'younger' half was partially older than the 'older' half; as in
'JayAvatar', who is older than one of the 'older' half. God, I hate
these apostrophes, but that doesn't matter now anyway, no one has syph,
and we're all wondering who Kristen has logged with."
"Let's check," Jim agreed.
"What the hell do ya' know, it's An Alias's BBS, how the hell did
it get this far back in time? Don, you seem to know about IBM's, what
happened?" babbled Jay.
"Well, who cares? We're logged on and I don't feel like discussing
the space/time continuum in 161 AD when I don't even understand how the
hell we got here!!" bellowed Don as Shiva tried to download a program.
"Shiva, what the hell are you trying to download?" John pondered
(colorful phrasing, don't you think?)
"I'm trying to get a time warp program," Shiva replied, and as soon
as she said those two magic words, the entire gang jumped to their left,
stepped to their right, put their hands on their hips, and pulled their
knees in tight.
Yep, it's the Time Warp!
From -> Homey The Clown
The spirit of Homey followed Yoda until he was standing in front of
what appeared to be some sort of house. "House is mine, mine is house,"
said Yoda. "Come. Follow me and teach you I shall of the Force, and
give you a light saber. Then help your friends you will."
"OK, what have I got to lose?" asked Homes.
"Nothing. Your body is dead but your spirit cannot be destroyed,
in that which is so, you will be able to channel the force with greater
ability, with less training. First, here is the light saber. This is a
weapon of great power, you will even be able to destroy Darth Vader, as
you cannot be destroyed."
After they had had lunch consisting of lime jello and pizza, they
went outside to train. A huge boulder stood in front of Homey. "Use
the Force to pick this up," said Yoda.
Homey stared at it like Luke did in "Star Wars." The boulder flew
up, disappeared into the sky; and, unknowingly, hit the monastery filled
with CBs and killed them all, body and spirit.
From -> Tio Sancho
Unbeknownst to Homey, Tio was intent on enslaving Homey's loose
spirit, which could not be destroyed, and now had the power of a Jedi
Knight as well. Tio traced an evil insignia on the dusty floor of his
wizard's chamber, and sprinkled powdered jello gelatin around the
insignia, creating an unbreakable wall of force which Homey, once
summoned, could not break through.
Tio, quite quickly and with no great difficulty, summoned Homey.
Homey was instantly whisked out of his private training sessions with
Yoda (God hopes the training sessions were the only thing Homey was
doing with Yoda) and plopped into the center of the pentagram.
"What do you want?" asked Homey. "You can't make me do anything.
I will kill you with my light saber, simply because I don't like you."
Homey tried to break the magic jello dust, but as all ancient and
wise wizards know, the circle was impenetrable. Tio, not being an
ancient and wise wizard, just happened to be lucky. Tio then said,
"Homey, do you want revenge on the people who have killed you SEVERAL
times over?"
Homey gave an emphatic yes.
"Well," said Tio with a leering grin on his face, "I can grant you
that power. Take this." Tio gave Homey a pot full of Mexican beans.
The gas produced from these beans would rival anything that could come
from Liam's anus. So, Homey flew toward the adventurers, having eaten a
pot full of Mexican beans. And Tio laughed, and laughed... and watched
the adventurers in his scrying pool. And choked, because he had
accidentally laughed up a wad of yellow-green mucus, which was quickly
hawked to the side (where several of his "creations" gobbled it up
happily)... and resumed his laughter...
From -> Back Slash
Shiva downloaded a time-travel program. After laughing at the
opening screen, where the author asked users to mail him money, the
D00Ds called up the main menu. They selected a date to return (one week
before they left, in 1991) and hit F5 to create the time warp...
Nothing happened. Don exited to DOS and TYPEd a READ.ME
documentation file. It seemed that the system they had wasn't fully
equipped to manipulate the space/time continuum, and there were no mail-
order companies (or even mail) that they could use to get upgrades. One
of the many things that their system lacked was a CPU with a processor
speed greater than the speed of light (the computer DID, however, have
all of Cannon Ball's i586 opcodes).
"I guess we have to stay here and deal with deal with Tio Sancho
after all," Kevin said.
"I like it here," the Avatar pointed out. "This is, after all, the
time frame which I came from."
"Something will turn up," Pat said. "It always does."
"Something is turning up," Don said. "Where are those whores
again?"
From -> Shadowstorm
After they found out that they couldn't use the computer to time
warp back to the future (deja vu), they decided to keep walking and try
to GET THE HELL away from the terrible stench exiting Homey's butt.
When they got far enough away from the stink scene, they had found
an ancient...
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey drew his light saber and prepared to destroy the D00Ds, but
was stopped by Yoda as he appeared out of thin air. "Stop! You must
not kill D00Ds, must not you!" screamed the creature. "I will break the
spell, I will!" He pulled out a chainsaw and cut around Homey, then a
spell fell out, and Homey was released. "Now! Go kill Tio! Also,
removed is your stench!" Homey felt like he had just taken an Irish
Spring shower (and also smelled that way too).
Tio watched from his cauldron. "Damn! Damn! Damn! I'll never
kill them! Damn!" Tio screamed. Then, he saw Homey float through the
wall, with his light saber on. Frantically, Tio searched for his spell
book.
"Too late, you bastard, you're dead!!" yelled Homey. He took a
swing with his light saber and cut Tio's head off. "Now that you're
dead, I'll take your head and give it too the D00Ds!!" Homey floated
away, and when he saw the D00Ds, dropped the head, which landed in front
of Shiva.
"Augh!" Kristen screamed as she saw Tio's head with its evilest
grin. She fainted.
From -> Moonbeam
"We need women, fast," said Jay.
Shiva looked up to see every male D00D looking at her. "No! Oh,
shit, no, guys! Hehe... come on... you wouldn't rape an innocent little
girl like me, would you? Come on, pals!!"
"Hmm," the crowd said. The D00Ds went into a huddle and whispered.
Liam said, "We have come to a decision, Shiva. You have three
choices. Make love to each D00D, strip naked and dance to 'Sweet
Transvestite', or have your head lopped off with a rusty nail."
She started to take off her shirt.
From -> Shadowstorm
As everyone took their R&R, Don sat on the edge of a cliff thinking
about things; then decided the board could live without him. He walked
back to camp, and said, "Pat, let's go for a walk." He then walked Pat
towards the edge and lifted him above his head. Then, as Pat was
shitting a brick ("Go-go Gadget anus!"), Don said, "Too bad you had to
go and be so annoying," and threw Pat over the 500-foot cliff and
watched him splat on the rocks. (Knowing him, he'll probably find some
chemical formula in hell to resurrect himself.) Then Don said,
"Computers suck then you kill yourself off in a plotless computer
story!" He then proceeded to walk back about a hundred feet and ran as
fast as he could and jumped screaming "Later, Duuuuuudes!!"
From -> Homey The Clown
Tio watched with glee as he saw Pat become road pizza. "Now I can
get another servant, since your friend Yoda will always rescue you,"
laughed the wizard. He easily summoned Pat from hell and tried to put
him in a spell.
Homey said, "Homey don't play that!" and used the Force to move an
antique vase and hit Tio in the head, hard enough to kill him. Homey
looked at Pat. He still had his body and was ready to kill homey. Pat
tried to grab him around the neck, but his hands would only slip through
Homey's neck (I am a ghost now, you must remember).
"Fuck! Now I'm stuck here with Homey! Shit!!" screamed Pat.
From -> Back Slash
Tio, whose life force was amplified and protected by the Orb, was
easily able to survive being beheaded by Homey. Now, just like Doctor
Hill in "Re-animator", his head and body are each separate, living
units. Unfortunately, the D00Ds have Tio's head (because we do NOT say
that previous posts by ANYONE were a DREAM!!) and Tio's body wants it
back. Through the use of sign language (since his mutant creations
can't read), Tio's body commanded the mutant toadies to attack the D00Ds
and retrieve his head. This would be easy, Tio thought, since he could
see through his head's eyes and know where the D00Ds were.
Pat was trapped in the pentacle into which Tio had summoned him.
Homey, trying to rescue Pat, was now also trapped in the pentacle (which
trapped ghosts and spirits and well as demons, etc.) Tio decided to
wait until he had his head back before dealing with them.
"We still haven't found any sign of them, sir," the FBI agent
reported.
"Damn!" George Bush replied. "We need those 'D00Ds' as scapegoats
for the nuking of Iraq, and we can't have them free to tell people that
they were working for me." Bush sighed. "Where the hell could they
have gone?"
"Mister President," Henry Kissinger said, "the question may be
'when have they gone'. We know that they were in the company of some
kind of supernatural creature, a 'genie', if you will, which was able to
teleport them and grant 'wishes'. We also know that one of them was a
legendary character named 'The Avatar', whom our historians tell us
lived in 161 AD. Perhaps they have traveled back to 161 AD to escape
us."
"We do have an experimental time travel project somewhere," Bush
began. "I was just briefed on it the other day. See what kind of
progress they're making. If we can, we'll send a special operations team
back to eliminate them. Wouldn't be prudent, but would be funny as
hell."
"It's about time we get back into this story," Sununu said. "Maybe
we can add some continuity after all!"
"I'm also getting a little tired of this," Arthur said, "but I have
a plan. It's a plan that's so cunning, you could put a tail on it and
call it a weasel." Arthur turned to Jim. "Are you with me?"
"I'd have to know what the plan was, first," Jim said, hesitantly.
Jim's smile grew as Arthur whispered the plan into Jim's ear. The other
D00Ds, who were either captured, dead, or staring at Shiva's bosoms,
failed to notice when Arthur and Jim packed some supplies and set off on
a new quest.
After traveling for two days and living off the land, Arthur and
Jim were getting tired and discouraged. If they had to travel like
this, it would take them forever. And then, in a clearing, they found
the remains of Ethel, the wacky ex-SAAB that is no more and ceased to
be. "Apparently," Arthur conjectured, "dead vehicles seem to fall
through the space/time continuum in some way. That would explain why we
also found the Audi back here in 161 AD."
"Nah," Jim replied. "It's just the authors getting silly."
Arthur and Jim constructed a raft from several trees and a number
of parts of Ethel, loaded it with food, and started sailing down a
river. Three days later they were in the ocean, heading for points
unknown.
From -> Moonbeam
Matt climbed a way high building and jumped. He yelled to all the
D00Ds that may have been listing (don't know how but) "Call me when you
get a real plot!" Kersplat! Matt hit the pavement with a smile on his
face.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Matt and Don's spirits appeared in the pentagram along with Pat and
Homey's. Pat and Don began to argue incessantly, while Matt and Homey
made silly anatomical jokes to each other.
Tio's forces attacked the remaining D00Ds (who are, I believe,
Kevin, Liam, Kristen, Falcon, Jay, Kid Carson and John). Falcon and Kid
Carson rushed to meet the attackers and were summarily killed (their
spirits appearing in the pentagram).
"Shit, they mean business," John exclaimed.
Kevin had an idea, grabbing the wizard's head, he bowled it to the
creature's bodies, knocking several down. "How many points do you think
I scored?"
The creatures grabbed the head, smiled evilly, and then returned
back from whence they came.
Kevin looked sullen, "Well, it looks like we're trapped, and most
of us are dead or missing. What're we gonna do now?"
"I have an idea," Jay brightened. Kevin, Liam, John and Kristen
listened intently.
From -> Back Slash
Because the wind was with them and Arthur had whipped up a
propulsion device from the remains of Ethel's engine, Art and Jim
managed to cross the Atlantic Ocean in just two days. Jim had whipped
up a radio capable of receiving broadcasts from the future (although he
didn't have the parts to transmit, unfortunately) and they were
entertained on the trip.
They arrived at Mexico and found just what they were looking for...
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey had a brilliant idea. Since the Force was with him, he would
just move the pentagram to where Tio was! What a great plan, Homey said
to himself. As he prepared to move it, Don pushed Pat, who tripped on
Matt's feet and then bumped homey. Instead of the pentagram moving, Tio
moved and fell into his cauldron, killing himself forever. The
pentagram disappeared instantly, unfortunately too soon, because Pat hit
a sharp rock and cut his eyelid.
From -> Tio Sancho
Well, Homey thought Tio was dead, because he thought the heat of
the bubbling beans would kill Tio. But Tio wasn't really dead. He just
fell in, like Homey said. "Ugg... blort... blip..." bubbled Tio.
Literally bubbled, because that's what came up: several large bubbles
of Tio Sancho Mexican Bean Sauce. Tio watched in surprise as they
floated across the room and popped in various spots. As he climbed out
of the cauldron (not DEAD, but only mildly scalded), Tio said "Ooogglle,
blort, blort, blop..." Well, he was supposed to be cursing, but like I
said, all he could do was bubble. It seemed that quite a bit of Tio
Sancho Mexican Bean Sauce had coated his throat, stomach, and small
intestine.
Meanwhile, in the pentagram, the D00Ds were beating Homey
senseless. "C'mon, guys," Homey whined, "I didn't MEAN to..."
"SHUT UP," cried Matt. "And stop farting - you're moving too fast
for me to hit you." A large brown bubble floated over their heads and
popped on Homey's exuberantly expulsive ass, which was now pointed
straight up in the air because of the propulsive force of his gas. To
have Homey's anus pointed up with Homey's face pointed down was not a
good position for Homey. Homey's face was driven into the ground, now
making Homey the Clown look something like Homey the Inept Bootlicker.
I say inept because if he knew how to lick boots properly, he wouldn't
have dirt all over his face.
Tio wiped the Mexican Bean Sauce off his face. "Glorble spackle
blip... Igblup Splut gombump." What he was trying to say was, "I think
I had better stop posting and give someone else a turn, because I don't
know what the hell I'm talking about."
From -> Zork Pendragon
"We could hang out at my castle for a while," Jay suggested, "since
we don't really have much of a plot to attend to."
"I suppose we could fuck around there for awhile," John agreed.
"Who said they wanted to fuck?" Kristen asked, not really paying
attention beforehand.
The five remaining D00Ds traveled to The Avatar's castle, to find
it demolished into cinders, a government tank was still firing at the
smoldering remains.
"So much for that idea", Kevin grumbled.
The government force destroyed The Avatar's castle, hoping the
D00Ds would be in it, forcing them to run out so they could be
recaptured. This of course did not work, but one of them did notice Jay
jumping up and down screaming, "My castle! You home wreckers! I'm
going to jump up and down on you until... until you've had enough, and
then I'm going to keep on jumping until..."
And then a Vogon fleet arrived to destroy the Earth and make a
hyperspace bypass (just kidding!)
"There they are!" the army yelled.
John, Kristen, Kevin, Liam and Jay ran. After running for a bit,
they came upon a building where they thought they could hide out. John
knocked on the door, and a cowled figure came to answer.
"Yes?" Cannon Ball #27 asked.
"Oh shit, not again," the five of them muttered in unison.
From -> Homey The Clown
"Hey! Stop this! Fuck! OK, you're fucked!" screamed Homey.
Homey kicked Matt in the balls and pushed him aside, then he grabbed
Pat's head and smashed it on his knee, but when it came to Don's turn...
"Wait a minute! Shit! Shit! Look behind you, Don!!" yelled Homey.
"That shit ain't gonna work on me," said Don. Unknown to Don, Tio
stood right behind him with a ghost destroyer. Tio shot it and its
glowing rays hit Don and destroyed him again. Tio aimed again, but it
abruptly stopped.
"Damn! The batteries ran out!" yelled Tio, and not a battery to be
seen for miles...
In the real world of 1991, all was not as it seemed. After being
nuked, what was not irradiated was quickly taken over by the surrounding
countries. A massive war started as other countries took over other
countries. The entire continents of North America and Asia were now the
Russian-American Surge. Viking-like people who had awakened from their
eternal sleep in Norway controlled Europe.
President Bush needed the D00Ds more then ever now. He wanted to
control the world and the only way was to kill the Russian leader Nikita
Burkoz. "Find me the D00Ds!" he constantly complained.
From -> Moonbeam
God liked Matt so much; he re-solidified him and turned him into a
normal human being. "Ah, it's good to be normal," Matt said as he took
his Bible out and threw it at Tio.
"Argggg!!!!!" Tio yelled. "I'm melting bloop bloop..."
From -> Homey The Clown
"Will someone please come up with a plot!! This is getting rather
dull sitting in this pentagram!!" screamed Homey. Homey just looked at
the shithead thing, and made it move to Tio, entrapping him for
eternity. The people who were trapped inside the pentagram all ran free
among the flowers.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Tio zapped Don with the ghost destroyer; but when he tried to shoot
it again, it was out of batteries and short-circuited. The destroyer
ray did hit Matt, but it was very weak and instead solidified him. "God
must like me," Matt thought.
"Why didn't He solidify me?" Pat whined.
Matt threatened Tio, "Bring my friends back to life!"
Tio thought, "impossible! Their bodies are destroyed, they'd have
to inhabit new bodies, and the only spare bodies I have in this castle
are those of 6-foot tall voluptuous women to help me relieve my stress!"
Matt gave Tio a double piss-off.
"What was that for?! I don't wear women's underwear you know!
Well, maybe I do! There's nothing wrong with that... oh what a give-
away!!"
Matt was getting confused. So confused in fact that he began to
recite the lyrics to "Take the Skinheads Bowling." Alas, Tio was very
unnerved by this, thinking it to be some strange spell, and to counter
it he began to jump in a counterclockwise semi-circle reciting various
excerpts from last week's "Dear Abby" column.
"Right, we're out of here," John muttered upon seeing the Cannon
Balls.
"If only," Kevin wondered, "Art would call so we can find out what
he and Jim are up to in Mexico. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to know
that. Forget I said it."
The Cannon Balls screamed, "leave us alone!" and shut the door.
The army approached.
In 1991 AD, Tim and Aaron were being interrogated as to the
whereabouts of their fellow D00Ds. "Why didn't they bring you along?"
the guards asked.
"Well," Tim began, "The board's always busy when I try and call;
so, subsequently, I don't get to be in the stories that much anymore."
"Ditto for me," Aaron agreed.
"Bullshit. That's no excuse! GWIII doesn't even have a modem and
he's over there in 161 AD with them! Now where in Britannia are they?!"
Arthur and Jim were doing something...
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey went over to the pot of boiling beans. With all his strength
he picked it up and put it in his pocket. Then he put a battery in the
ghost destroyer gun and threw it into the pentagram. All of the D00Ds
(including Matt) ran over to get it. When they tried to get it to work,
it blew up and made them all unconscious.
From -> Moonbeam
What did Matt do? He transmogrified himself into a light particle
and instantaneously zipped himself to where the D00Ds were... yeah.
Anyway, after the D00Ds awoke, they stared at each other. The ghost-gun
had turned them into football players (Don't ask me how or why, but...)
"Grrrr," said John, "Grrrr." He couldn't get anything out but
grrrr's.
"Let's kick ass!" yelled Zork. "Where did that come from?" he
meant to say. So now they were screwed; big, ugly, stupid, and no
vocabulary.
Back in the stupid house with Tio and Homey and all of the other
ghost type thingies... "We need, we need, we need thingy!" yelled Pat.
"Hmm... could work... but Mommy told me never to drink," said
Homey.
"No no no, we take the thingy and force it down Tio's skinny neck!"
"Where do we get thingy in ---"
Pop! They looked over at Tio. He had a sly grin on his face. "I
am finally going to finish you now!" Howard stepped out from behind
him.
"Noooo!!!!" they yelled.
"Yes," he said.
From -> Back Slash
"Well, we're finally here," Jim said. "I'll bet a lot's happened
over in Britannia in all the time it took us to get here."
"Not bloody likely," Arthur said. "Unless they've found a plot of
some kind, they're probably still running around in circles and cloning
more Cannon Balls..."
Jim thought a bit. "They may have picked up some of the subtle
subplots you've been weaving in, like about the military coming to 191
AD after us."
"Yes," Arthur began, "but still..."
Arthur was interrupted by a loud, booming sound coming at him from
all directions. It sounded suspiciously like every single resident of
the planet (other than Jim and Arthur) yelling "GET ON WITH IT!!"
Arthur cleared his throat. "Well," he continued, "now that we're
here, let's see if we can find them." Jim and Arthur traveled down to
the Aztec city. They circled around the ziggurat-shaped temple, climbed
over a hill (part of a long dune which, viewed from the air, looked like
a Combat Wombat), and headed to what looked to be the most likely place
for aliens to inhabit.
Yes, aliens. Arthur knew that at about this time, the so-called
"Ancient Astronauts", who had built Stonehenge, the Great Pyramids, the
Gaza strips, and the heads on Easter Island, were supposed to be in
Mexico influencing the Aztec architecture and breeding with primitive
humans to speed up their development.
"No one is going to believe this!" Jim exclaimed. "No one
seriously believes in the Ancient Astronauts, other than National
Inquirer readers."
"I saw a program on Ancient Astronauts on 'In Search Of' once,"
Arthur replied. "Are you calling Leonard Nimoy a liar?"
"So the plan is to hitch a lift on one of their ships, get away
from this medieval boring place, and switch to a science-fiction plot?"
"It's worth a try," Arthur said. "I'm getting sick of wiping my
ass with eucalyptus leaves. I want to be surrounded by technology
again. Let's do it."
After a day of searching, they were unable to find any aliens.
"Maybe if we blow up their ziggurat," Jim said, "they'll come find us."
"I only smoke ziggurats after sex," Arthur replied, and was
immediately fistfopped by Jim. "Why don't we speak to the natives?"
"Because they don't speak English and we don't speak Aztec."
"That doesn't matter in these stories," Arthur said. "In time-
travel and science-fiction stories, the peoples encountered always speak
English. They always look relatively human, too; especially in a low-
budget story like this."
"It's worth a try," Jim said, after consideration. "Excuse me," he
said to a native, "do you have the time?"
"My hovercraft is full of eels," replied the confused native. Jim
fistfopped Arthur again.
Back at Tio Sancho's castle, the magic continued to fly fast and
furious. The pentacle slid all over the room, encapsulating some people
and freeing others with such rapidity that five hours would see every
possible combination having been imprisoned together at least once.
Living people were killed, dead people were resurrected, and no one made
any serious progress. Chaos reigned supreme. Infinite violence and
death were occurring, but without any sort of point at all. "This scene
will have to be edited if we want to get an 'R' rating," Pat said during
a brief lull when no one was trying particularly hard to kill him, and
then he cried out "Go go Gadget death-ray eyes!!"
"Cannon Balls on one side and the US Army on the other side," the
Avatar moaned. "This really sucks."
"Don't worry," someone replied (I have no idea where people are
anymore. Let Shiva say this if she's there), "if we get killed, we'll
just reappear in Tio Sancho's castle."
Someone else, I don't give a shit who, pointed out, "that won't do
us any good either. Let's hope Arthur and Jim's plot idea works."
"Screw that," Avatar exclaimed, "I want to kill these people NOW.
If only my spell book hadn't been inside the castle when it was
destroyed..."
Arthur and Jim located an alien leading the natives in construction
of another ziggurat temple. He was tall, thin, totally hairless, and
looked a lot like Jim's friend Howard under thirty pounds of make-up.
He directed them to a place where they could meet with the leader of the
Ancient Astronauts...
"Can I help you?" another alien asked. This one looked like
Arthur's friend Joe, under a lot of make-up. He was sitting in a mud
hut behind a mahogany desk. A Xerox copier was in the background. "I
am a busy creature, you know."
"What exactly ARE you doing here?" Jim asked. "No one has ever
managed to explain that one adequately..."
"I'll explain in the next post," the alien replied. "It looks as
though Arthur's on a roll. About time, too, people have been waiting
for him to write more all weekend."
"Shucks," Arthur said, scraping his shoe on the dirt floor.
"We've got their position and they're not going anywhere," said
Randal Flagg, leading the US Trans-Temporal Marines. "FIRE!!"
"We've got a great racket going here," the alien explained. "We
travel to worlds populated by primitive species and build temples and
other stuff for them. Purely superstitious bullshit, of course, but
they seem to like it."
"What's in it for you?" asked the ever perceptive (NOT!) Arthur.
"They treat us as gods, and let us mate with their women!" the
creature replied. "It's great! On our home world we were considered
nerds and never got anywhere with women, but now we're the studs of the
fucking universe!!"
"Where do we sign up?" Jim asked.
"Well, we're about to pack up and leave here soon. The natives are
getting a little restless, may want to sacrifice us next. So we're
heading down to an island southwest a ways... the natives want us to
build a bunch of huge heads facing the sea, to scare away sea monsters.
Can't blame them, they live less than five hundred miles away from
Cthulhu."
"Easter Island," Arthur muttered.
"Is that what it's called?" the alien asked. "Say, can we use your
head as a model? That big nose would scare away anything! All the
humans in that area have small noses and flat faces; someday
archeologists will be really confused by statuesque faces with huge
noses."
"You're right about that," Jim said, as Arthur felt his nose and
muttered that it wasn't that big. "We happen to be from the future. A
lot of people have a lot of crazy theories about those heads, and the
pyramids and all."
"Oh yeah," the alien said. "Every now and then, just for giggles,
we return to a planet a few millennia later to see how they explain away
our work. I suppose you can come with us, if you have any talents we can
use. You must, if you've traveled back in time and found us."
"Weren't nothing," Jim said. Arthur was still upset about the nose
remarks. "Well," Jim continued, "we have some friends you could pick up
too."
"We can always use more," the alien said. "Whenever we move, some
of our members stay behind. Get too attracted to the native lifestyle.
Right now we're badly understaffed."
"Well, let's get on with it, then," the alien said. "My name is
Blopshniggledoo; which, translated into your language, means 'Phantom of
the Opera'. The alien who led you here is Thoughtlywordsboardwar; whom
you would call 'Les Miserables'. I will call Storyishmaroo, a.k.a.
'Cats', our pilot, to take you up to our mother ship for evaluation and
training."
"There is a bit of hurry-up involved," Arthur pointed out, having
recovered from his nasal melancholy. "There are any numbers of people
trying to kill our friends."
"No problem at all," Blopshniggledoo said. "We get that all the
time. I'll send your friends some help. Where did you say they were?"
From -> Falcon
The pentacle was flying faster than ever! Death, life, death, and
life again... No one could keep up.
Madmouser awoke with a start. He felt great pain, all over his
body. He had no idea where he was. As a matter of fact, he said,
"where the fuck am I?" He looked around. There, lying near him, were
most of the other D00Ds, some of whom had died earlier on, some of whom
were supposedly still living. They were lying in a pile as if they were
rain that came down from heaven. There were also some of the other
lower-access types (the privileged ones that were allowed to travel with
D00Ds). In the not too far distance was what appeared to be an F-15
Falcon fighter jet, presumably Falcon's. It was tilted to one side, out
of fuel, and in need of a new battery. It also appeared to have some
sort of graffiti on it, in typical New York City Subway style.
One by one, those around began waking up and groaning in pain. Kid
Carson could not speak. The Avatar looked around and asked, "Where the
fuck are we?"
Falcon, having woken up at basically the same time, said, "my God!
It looks like we're back in 1991, in the Middle East, and IN THE
ORIGINAL PLOT!!!!"
"Can you believe it? I think he's right," Kristen offered.
"Shiva, wake up," Madmouser urged. "Can you read what's graffiti'd
on the F-15?"
"MY BABY!!!" screamed Falcon.
"Yeah, it's written in Iraqi. It says 'death to the unclean
Americans, unless we surrender to them first.'"
"I wonder where Art and Jim are," said Zork Pendragon.
Just then, Lime Jello started humming the title song from Phantom
of the Opera. "SHUT UP YOU SMELLBALL!!!" everyone screamed.
"What do we do now?" Falcon asked. "I never in my life thought
we'd get back to the original plot."
From -> Shiva
"I can't believe it," said everyone. "The real plot is back, or
actually, we're back in a plot. An actual plot. It's really amazing."
"Okay," said Shiva, "now that we're back in the original plot, can
anyone remember what it was before all these pre-pubescent twits started
posting?"
Everyone thought for a moment. "Wait," said someone in the crowd
of D00Ds, "weren't we in California looking for Elvis?"
"No," said someone else, "I do believe that we were in Iraq, maybe
trying to kill some homicidal idiot named Saddam Hussein. Yeah, that's
the ticket."
"Yeah, but didn't we kill him already?" questioned a very confused
Pat. Just as he asked that, the President walked across the desert.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Of course, there had to be a reason for everyone returning to the
original plot. The D00Ds didn't know it, but Tio Sancho had
accidentally cast a "plot" spell, banishing all these troublemakers, and
saving John, Kevin, Liam, Jay, and Kristen from death at the hands of
the army right before they would have died.
"Ah, it is SO nice to have some wonderful stability in the story!"
Matt exclaimed. "To know is going on! I feel, for the first time,
totally IN CONTROL of what's going on!" (Not for long, matey, Kevin's
posting this one! Heh heh...)
Arthur and Jim pushed the buttons which would retrieve all the
D00Ds and teleport them on the spaceship with them.
"Yes", Matt kept on going, "it is SO good to be back where I know
where I am, with a nice plot, a nice time, a nice girl..." He grimaced
at Shiva, who in turn gave a facial expression not unlike the cat in
Pepe Le Pew cartoons. "What the hell's happening???"
POOF! (Teleport noise)
"Hey guys, I think we found a plot!" Arthur explained to them as
they appeared, and each one in turn gave Arthur a fistfop that may have
even upset Program 4-A-69.
George Bush came up right next to the D00Ds. "Really neat, how did
you do that 'disappearing to 161 AD' thing?"
Arthur teleported all of them to the spaceship.
Georgie-boy scratched his head as he stood in the desert. "Really
odd. Must have one of those 'teleport' things. Very prudent. Very VERY
prudent. Have to go question those Aaron and Tim people some more, I
suppose. Wish I had more to do in this here plot thing. Oh well, stay
the course. Bush good, D00Ds bad..."
"What," Kevin asked, "the fuck are we doing here?" He expressed
the emotions of every other human being who had also been teleported.
"I'd give you an update," Arthur started, "but hell, even I'M not
totally sure."
"Neither am I, and I'm writing the fucking thing," Kevin agreed.
From -> Homey The Clown
Unfortunately, Homey was not a D00D, so he was still in 161 AD.
Tio had teleported him outside to where the army was located (not funny,
guys). Randal told his troops, "ready, aim---"
Booooomm!! Randal and his army were blown to bits (toast, that's
it, no spirits) by a bomb, and zoooomming by in an m-0-1-2-3 stealth
bomber mark 20 fighter, was the Ice Man from Top Gun!! He landed and
jumped out just like he did in the movie. He then told mike that he had
been time-teleported back here to rescue him, as he would be a play a
massive part in the end of the story. Homey was then solid again, and
Ice said that the thing was armed with every weapon imaginable.
Lasers, cluster bombs, machine guns, and whatever else you can
think of. It is also equipped with a 9807 cloaking device, an Amiga
1000000 with a 9999 meg hard drive and a gigabyte of memory, plus an
auto-fire program that could shoot whatever you wanted to; and, most
importantly, a time traveling device.
Homey found some paint in the back seat of the jet, and on the
outside, painted "the bolt" and took off and went back to 1991 Iraq
where he saw the D00Ds below but decided not to blow them up because
Kristen was with them.
From -> Back Slash
George Bush and the Falcon stood in the desert, staring at the spot
which the D00Ds had previously occupied. "Looks like we have to count
on the ground war after all," George whined. "Oh well, the consequences
of them killing Hussein would have been too great, especially if they
used a nuclear weapon. Could have caused World War III."
"I think it did," Falcon replied, as he was less affected by the
jumbling of the time lines. "Reality would be much easier to cope with
if it weren't for time machines."
"Well," George began, winding up his arms for some particularly
complex hand gestures. He never got to finish, because at that moment
Homey the Clown popped out of the space/time continuum, back into
reality. He had just missed rendezvousing with the D00Ds, but figured
he'd still be able to hunt down the thousands of Cannon Balls that
hadn't been killed yet (since the time line was changed). "What the
hell is that?" Bush asked.
"I don't know, sir," Falcon said, climbing into his F-15. "But I
think I'd better find out." He set off in pursuit of Homey's futuristic
fighter.
"Now that the world situation appears to be back in order, there's
no reason why we can't forget about the war and set off into high space
adventure," Kevin pointed out.
"We aren't really going to work for these space geeks, are we?"
Shiva asked. "I can't stand hairless men, even if they are aliens."
"We're just going to stay long enough to complete our training,"
Art explained, "and then we're going to steal one of their ships."
"Drop me off at Earth before you do," Don said. "I just want to
get out of this damned story."
"We'll leave you with Tim and Aaron, just in case we need the three
of you to work Earth events back into the plot again," Jim said.
"I think these aliens have a good situation going," Matt said.
"Elitists don't do physical labor," Liam explained. "We just leech
off of society, repeating our approved positions and trying not to have
independent thoughts. We look down on common laborers, like our
parents, who are the only reason why we can live in our fantasy world."
"That sounded pretty vehement," Pat said, surprised. "Arthur must
be writing this part of the story."
"You can tell," Kid Carson said. "He seems to like wasting time
with lots of dialog, where the characters refer to their existence as
characters."
"He also likes to use all forty lines," Kevin said.
"Here's the fortieth line now," Arthur exclaimed.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Kevin was (as usual) a bit confused, "Okay, let me get this
straight, the government kidnaps us and tells us to kill Saddam Hussein,
we succeed in that, nuking Iraq in the process, and Arthur's genie
teleports us to a time machine and Homey the Clown transports us
accidentally to 161 A.D. The Cannon Balls follow us, attempt to eat us,
and then just settle for Homey, who also escapes with the help of The
Electric Monk. The evil wizard Tio Sancho tries to kill us, while about
half of us contract syph, then subsequently become cured, right before
about half of us die and appear in a pentagram..."
"I committed suicide," Don remarked, "but still couldn't get out of
the story."
"Then Art and Jim travel to Mexico and hook up with ancient
astronauts. Tio accidentally casts us all except Homey to 1991 again,
only BEFORE we nuked Iraq, thus nullifying that from ever happening.
Arthur and Jim subsequently teleport us all except Falcon to this here
ship. Is that right?"
"Yes, but you forgot to mention the fact that when Homey thrust
everyone forward in time, he brought them back to life."
"Okay, so as for loose ends, we have an army in 161 AD, Falcon
chasing Homey's jet, and Tim and Aaron being questioned by government
flunkies. I hope those get tied up in the next post..."
The army approached the Cannon Ball Commune. The Cannon Balls
pleaded nonviolence; and when a battle commenced, not surprisingly, they
all ended up dead. The evil wizard's pentagram filled up, but he didn't
notice, for he was in the dungeon with the dragon "relieving stress"...
Falcon sped after Homey, and they both landed on the tropical
paradise island of Fiji, and drank pina coladas for a while.
Tim and Aaron were suddenly teleported to the astronaut's ship.
"Oh God, I hope we don't have to be in the story," Tim mumbled.
Arthur just told them that they needed someone to guide Don back.
Don, Tim, Aaron, and Kid Carson teleported back to Earth, wishing their
fellow D00Ds luck.
"Well, let's advance the plot a little, when do we start training?"
John asked.
"I'm still confused..."
"Shut up, Kev..."
The training commenced. John, Jim, Arthur, Kevin, Liam, Pat, Matt,
Jay and Kristen all learned the secret trades of ancient astronauts. It
took about two weeks (correspondence course).
"Now", Arthur whispered to the others, "we can steal a ship."
From -> Tio Sancho
When suddenly, in a flash of brown burnt bean smoke, Eccentrica
Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon-6, and her pet Spam
slapper suddenly appeared in front of the D00Ds, along with Tio Sancho,
who (having relieved his stress with the dragon -- it wasn't bad,
actually) was wildly jumping around and screaming, "I HAVE DONE IT!
HAHAHAHAHA!! A SIX-FOOT TALL VOLUPTUOUS BABE! HAHAHAHA!"
Unfortunately, Tio's jumping around had disrupted the spell's
continuity. Tio was immediately whisked back to his castle, leaving
John, Jim, Arthur, Kevin, Liam, Pat, Matt, Jay, and Kristen with
Eccentrica Gallumbits. Not that they minded, of course.
"Why, hello," said John, Jim, Arthur, Kevin, Liam, Pat, Matt, and
Jay simultaneously with the same leering look on their faces. Kristen
turned away, putting her hand to her forehead, and said, "oh my Gawd..."
As John, Jim, Arthur, and the rest of the D00Ds advanced on
Eccentrica, her pet Spam slapper jumped up in front of them, slapping
Spam across their faces. Cries of "Ugg", "Oog", and "Oww" were quickly
replaced with cries of joy as Liam pulled a hunk of Jello from (where
else) the unending depths of his anus. Quickly dispatching the Spam
slapper by throwing Jello at it, the D00Ds moved toward Eccentrica.
From -> Zork Pendragon
"Goddammit," Shiva muttered as she looked at the magically conjured
whore, "out breasted. What do I do now?"
"Well", Arthur replied, (thinking of Donna, he decided keeping his
genitalia was more important to him than a momentary lapse of pressure),
"you'd think they'd have learned AFTER THE SYPH INCIDENT!"
"Oh yeah", the others remembered, "that's right." The memory
suddenly quelled most of their impure thoughts.
"Three breasts. Wacky. I wonder if she has three anuses as well,"
Liam pondered.
Suddenly, a battalion of guards burst into the room.
"We know what you're up to! You're planning on stealing a ship
from us! That will not be tolerated!"
"Just out of curiosity, how did you know what we were up to?" Jim
asked.
The guard smirked, "why, we logged onto Dragnet and read this story
in progress, of course. It was all part of our checking your
backgrounds to see if you could suitably join our ranks."
The other guard joined in, "you have three choices, you can either
be transferred to our slave camp, be thrown off the spaceship, or be set
free... just kidding about that last one of course. Your third choice
is.... you could go on a camping holiday with me!"
The first guard whispered something to the other guard, who then
looked up and said, "Dammit, the holiday's out. So what'll be? Death
or slavery?"
"Give me liberty or give me death," Patrick Henry quoted in 1776
(this IS part time travel epic after all).
"Fine," the aliens grabbed Patrick Henry and hurled him into the
deep recesses of space, of course 29 seconds later a gleaming white
spaceship picked up the passing American Revolutionary.
"We apologize for the lapse in plot," the guard commented, "Now
what will it be? DEATH OR SLAVERY?!?!"
From -> Back Slash
Arthur applied his computer brain to the question. "Death or
slavery?" It took him two-sevenths of a nanosecond to come up with an
answer. "We'll take slavery," Arthur announced. He then whispered to
the D00Ds, "we can always escape later."
"Then again, death hasn't stopped most of us either," Pat whispered
back.
The D00Ds were locked in a small cell and the aliens changed their
course for the nearest slave colony world. The aliens decided to keep
Eccentrica Gallumbits for themselves. "It's about time," Blopshniggledoo
said, "that we find a woman who has the same number of breasts as we
have testicles."
George Bush, Cannon Ball #61 (current leader), and Tio Sancho sat
behind a table in a secret room in the White House. Before them, under
armed guard, were Don, Aaron, Tim, Kid Carson, Homey, and Falcon. "We
are gathered here today," George began, "to decide what to do about you
and the D00Ds."
"I just want to get out of this fucking story!" Don yelled.
"Maybe we should split up into two groups again," Kevin suggested.
"After all, that worked so well the first time."
"Yeah," Jim said, sarcastically. "And then one group could go into
slavery and the other group could be executed by the aliens."
"I nominate Liam for the dead group," Jay said, watching Liam
continue to produce things with jagged edges from his anus.
"I nominate Matt for the dead group," Shiva said, watching Matt
salivate.
"Don't say things like that," Arthur said. "People will take you
seriously and write it into the story."
"CUT THE SHIT!!" Don yelled as the story once again focused on him.
The alien vessel arrived at the planet Sklorrp and maneuvered into
a parking orbit. "We are here," Blopshniggledoo told the prisoners.
"Prepare yourself for a new and extremely un-elite lifestyle."
From -> Zork Pendragon
The cell the nine D00Ds were in shook, it shimmied. The door burst
open. Several large green platypi stood (yes, stood) there. "Come with
us. We're the Alien Abolitionist League. We're on a terrorist slave-
freeing raid."
"Cool, I can dig that," Kevin and Liam replied.
Several large guards discovered the fleeing D00Ds shortly
afterward. One of them fired and hit Matt, paralyzing him. Pat dodged
the paralysis ray a second before it hit his face.
The platypi opened a secret passageway, "Get in.", they instructed.
The platypi then followed their own advice. Arthur hopped in. Then
Jim. Then John. Then Pat. Then Jay. Then Kristen. Then the guards
entered.
"Right! You're not escaping through there!" they screamed.
"Wanna bet? Go-go gadget tunnel collapse!" Pat yelled, then
collapsed the tunnel.
"You realize of course", Arthur began, "that Kevin and Liam were on
the other side of that tunnel when you collapsed it Pat. So was Matt,
but he was paralyzed." (Kristen gave a little cheer)
"Oopsie!"
"If you go back for them then you are almost certain to be
recaptured. Come with us and rest, then you can reclaim them on our next
raid."
"PAT! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!" Kevin screamed.
"Freeze!" the guards yelled.
"Look behind you!" Liam yelled.
The guards, thinking that no one would use such an old and outdated
trick, did look behind them. Kevin and Liam ran.
From -> Back Slash
Unfortunately, nothing silly happened for over an hour. So, we now
take you to the events of one hour later. After the elapse of one hour,
we find Matt the ex-Genie already employed in his new job as dishwasher
on an alien plantation.
"Remember," the purple spheroid alien said to Matt (as Matt
scrubbed human blood off of a triangular plate), "as soon as you break
one plate, you get served on the next one."
"Gulp," Matt said. He turned nervously to put the plate in the
microwave drier and tripped... The alien drooled...
"Any sign of them?" Kevin whispered to Liam, climbing over an
atomic frazzmatron.
"I think we lost 'em, for now," Liam said, "but we'd better keep
moving."
"If you didn't fart all of the time they'd have a much harder time
following us," Kevin grumbled as Liam rumbled (yet again).
"Let's hide in here." Kevin and Liam climbed into a pipe, and
crawled along in darkness. And then, after hearing an echoing flushing
noise, Liam and Kevin were drenched in orange alien excrement. "I'm
SCUMMY! I'm SCUMMY!" Liam yelled in ecstasy.
"You are a loony," Kevin said, ralphing on Liam.
"Now I'm even SCUMMIER!!" Liam exclaimed.
The rest of the D00Ds were taken on board the alien abolitionist
ship, where they waited in a hold with several other freed creatures
while the abolitionists tried to arrange transportation back to
everyone's home worlds.
"But we don't WANT to go back to our home world," Pat complained.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, someone was having sex. (Hey, no one's
mentioned sex for a while, and we have a quota to fulfill.)
From -> Falcon
"Would you get off of her!!!" screamed Falcon at Homey. "You
should NOT be fucking old blue haired president's wives, especially not
Barbara Bush!!"
"Sorry," said Homey as he pulled up his Batman Underoos, "I guess I
don't wanna get Syph again."
"Now listen. We gotta figure out a fuckin' way to break out of
here, and we need to do it WITHOUT the use of outlandish, irresponsible,
strange, could-never-happen-in-real-life means like alien platypi.
That's wimping out," Falcon commanded.
"Or tripping out!" replied Homey.
"B-B-But, b-b-but wh-wh-what happens [sob] if I only c-cr-cracked
it?" whimpered Moonbeam.
The purple alien only salivated more.
"Let's climb up this pipe and see where it leads," offered Lime J.
"What are you fucking repulsive?!?" Jay screamed. "That's an
orange shit-filled septic tube!! You ARE loony!"
"Yumm," thought Liam.
From -> Zork Pendragon
The salivating alien grabbed Matt and hurled him into the cell for
soon-to-eaten-ex-dishwashers. "Foo?" Matt asked.
"Ew-yuk... orange alien shit. But if we leave the pipe then the
alien will smell us," Kevin complained.
"Unless," Liam reached deep into the burrows of his anus and pulled
out a hoover vacuum, silently he began hoovering up all the shit,
especially off of himself and Kevin. He then looked at it and
exclaimed, "My hoovervacuum is full of SHIT!"
"Everyone else is in outer space and I'm stuck on Earth with HOMEY
THE CLOWN?" Falcon complained. "At least I'm not covered with orange
alien shit..."
"Stop seeing what I'm up to!!!" Don yelled sulkily.
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey and Falcon finally came up with a idea! "Ok, so we jump in
the back of my space-jet, then we go up in space and blow up that space
thing while rescuing the D00Ds," said the great Homey.
"Guess so," said Falcon doubtfully, "but this doesn't sound
realistic to me."
"It'll be shitloads of fun though!!"
They jumped up into homey's jet, kicked in the after burners at
mach 50, and blasted into space as falcon came all over his IBM XT
screen viewing X-rated GIF's. They found the space thing.
"Arm photon torpedoes! Arm lasers! Arm death destroyers!!" yelled
Homey. They fired and did some damage, but not much because the aliens
had a mark 30 and its shields went up automatically.
"Now we fire back," said the aliens. The space around homey's jet
was full of laser nukebombs and explosions.
"Homey don't play that!" Homey said and dived to the nearby planet.
"We'll be back," Falcon yelled. "We just need a new plan."
They landed on the planet, and Falcon tried to find a new plan as
Homey started fucking another non-diseased girl. (Nothing! No AIDS! No
illness!)
From -> Back Slash
The Falcon wandered back a couple of hours later to where the jet
and Homey were hidden. Homey claimed to have had sex with a non-
diseased girl, but Falcon didn't see anyone around but Homey. "Anyway,"
Falcon reported, "this is some kind of slave world. The D00Ds are
probably being brought here to work on plantations. Maybe we can rescue
'em without being caught."
"How do we find them, though? I'm still not sure how we even found
this place or knew that the D00Ds needed to be rescued."
"You didn't use The Force?" Falcon asked.
"Nahhh," Homey replied. "I can't use that much now that I'm alive
again. I guess it was just a lucky guess."
"Well," the Falcon pointed out, "if the D00Ds are here and we find
them, they won't all fit in your space jet anyway."
"We can worry about that later."
Liam and Kevin heard some activity, and climbed out of the pipes
and into the ventilation system so that they could listen in on the
aliens. "Just like we were in Die Hard," Kevin mused.
"Why can't we be in a more elite movie?" Liam wondered. "Besides,
weren't you Jay a couple of posts ago? Or did a writer get confused
again."
"No, it was me," Kevin replied. "I was just imitating Jay."
Liam overheard the aliens discussing the recent attack. "It must
have been some of the D00Ds!" Liam exclaimed.
"They'll be back," Kevin said. "Maybe we should try to sabotage
the ship so that the D00Ds won't have any problems attacking it next
time."
"You want us to sabotage the ship that WE'RE INSIDE OF?!?" Liam
asked. "Shit, and they call me loony."
"They call you scummy," Kevin corrected.
"You're the boss," Liam said, and they tried to find their way to
some vulnerable part of the ship.
"This plantation over here," Falcon explained, "is the only one
with human slaves. That woman you claim to have had may have escaped
from there. What say we go in disguised as slaves and have a look
around?"
Homey and Falcon spent the day as slaves: working, being whipped,
and seeking information. They did hear about a slave who was about to
be eaten the next day, who sounded a lot like Matt. "We have to rescue
him," Falcon said. "But how?"
"As slaves," Homey said. "Listen..."
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey and Falcon waited, and waited, and waited... After 6 hours,
a slave caravan came by. The mighty entrance to the slave area opened
and allowed the caravan through. At the end was a bunch of Iraqi-
looking people. "Die!" yelled Homey, as he jumped out ready to be shot
to bits. Instead, the Iraqi people started bowing and kissing his feet
like he was Allah. "Homey don't play that!" He pulled out his light
saber and killed them on the spot. He took their clothes, gave Falcon
clothes and walked in. (Amazingly, the people were stupid enough.)
Inside, was an amazing sight! Matt tied up, and a bunch of people
praying at what looked like a red dragon!
"This is going a little too far," said Falcon, as they pulled out
fully automatic AK-47's.
"Let's waste 'em," whispered homey. "Yaahh!! Charge!!" screamed
the twosome. They started shooting a lot of them down, but they quickly
became surrounded.
"Looks like it's over for us," said Falcon. Then, out of a bushel
of trees, came the Kuwaiti Resistance Force armed with really strong
guns!
In Australia, the Australian president picked up the phone. "Yes,
I understand, so you are in? Good! The weapons are ready, soon the USA
will be a nuclear wasteland and a chemical weapon area."
On the other end, the Russian leader pressed a red blinking button,
and missiles fired...
From -> Cannon Ball
The other D00Ds were on the ship with the alien abolitionists. The
alien platypi prepared to send them back to earth (just in time to be
nuked). A transporter beam was set for earth co-ordinates, and Pat was
thrown in first. "Noooo!" Pat screamed as he disappeared and re-appeared
one mile over the Pacific Ocean (it was hard to set exact co-ordinates
from this distance). "Go-go Gadget parachute!!"
Jay was thrown through next, and used his magic to slow his fall.
The aliens were trying to throw Art through next but he put up a
struggle. He grabbed the face of one of the aliens and ripped off the
mask. "OH MY GOD!" Art screamed. "It's CANNON BALL!!"
The other aliens pulled off their masks and they were all Cannon
Balls, too. "We're not just Abolitionists, we're CannonBallitionists!"
The D00Ds started to fight to stay out of the transport beam. In the
struggle, Shiva and two Cannon Balls fell into the transporter before it
was broken. Fortunately for Shiva, the two Cannon Balls broke her fall;
but she never bothered to thank them.
Falcon and Homey disguised as slaves and looked for Matt. They
realized that they couldn't leave the other humans as slaves after
rescuing Matt. "Why don't we start a slaves' revolution?" asked Falcon.
From -> Back Slash
"Is everyone in the entire universe but us really Cannon Ball?"
asked Back Slash in disgust.
"I'm not too sure about you either," Jim said. He and Arthur
grabbed each other's noses, and yanked, to make sure that they weren't
really Cannon Balls in disguise. "Let's check these other D00Ds, too,
just in case."
"Hold on," Arthur said, "I have to go back and see who else is
here."
Arthur and Jim looked around for a while, and found only John.
"Has everybody else wandered off?" Jim asked. "Oh well." He checked
John, and was glad to see that John wasn't a Cannon Ball in disguise.
The Cannon Balls in the room then checked each other to make sure
that none of them was a D00D in disguise. Of course, what D00D would
lower himself to take on the identity of Cannon Ball? Cannon Ball,
believing himself to be the pinnacle of evolution in the Universe,
however, didn't quite see it that way. And, of course, the Cannon Balls
never dwelled on the fact that the only reason they had to continuously
clone each other was that no one would breed with them.
"I think it's time for another 'Where Are They Now'," Arthur said.
He walked over to the blackboard on the wall and began to make lists:
(Good guys)
ON EARTH, WISHING TO STAY: Aaron, Don, Tim, Kid Carson
ON EARTH, WISHING TO LEAVE: Kristen, Jay, Pat
ON THE PLANET, A SLAVE: Matt
ON THE PLANET, RESCUERS: Falcon, Homey
ON THE 'ANCIENT ASTRONAUT' SHIP: Kevin, Liam
ON THE ABOLITIONIST SHIP: Arthur, Jim, John
(Not-So-Good guys)
ON EARTH, DESPERATELY SEEKING D00DS: George Bush, Tio Sancho
ON THE 'ANCIENT ASTRONAUT' SHIP: Blopshniggledoo and the other Ancient
Astronauts
ON THE PLANET: Lots of Slavers and Slaves
EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE ELSE: Cannon Ball(s)
"But we don't know all of this, do we?" John asked.
"Hell, no," Arthur said, erasing the blackboard. "That was for the
writers."
"Where were we?" Jim asked.
"I think we were fighting," said several Cannon Balls, and the
struggle was again joined.
"We had better get Matt before fomenting rebellion, though," Falcon
said. "It'll be too chaotic afterward."
"Whatever," Homey said, "we'd better do it soon."
"We need a plan."
"No room left in this post."
Pat, Shiva, and Jay splashed down in the South Pacific within a
mile of an island. Shiva and Jay swam to the island, while Pat did it
the easy way. ("Go-go Gadget Motorboat!") The island was covered by
hundreds of huge, stone heads. "Good Lord!" Jay screamed. "They all
look like Back Slash!!!"
Pat and Jay found some marijuana growing wild, and decided to relax
for a while until they thought of a plan. Shiva found a huge, muscular
native man and rejoiced that someone had finally remembered her needs.
Matt sat in his cell on the planet. "I hope the writers haven't
forgotten me," he said to himself, "or I'll be eaten before they get
someone to rescue me." He wished that he could stand and stretch, but
the cell was a cubicle four feet on each edge and Matt was a whole four-
foot-TWO now. His mommy was so proud!
Outside, on the plantation grounds, were Falcon and Homey. They
cut down a tall tree and made themselves a couple of huge clubs. "Let
us in," they asked the people guarding Matt's cell. "We're the meat
tenderizers. We have to beat the slave tender before he can be cooked
tomorrow morning."
"I thought he looked a little small and stringy," the guard said.
"Very well, go on in."
As Homey and Matt made appropriate noises to keep the guard happy,
Falcon opened up his humongous club, which was hollow and had just
enough room to hide Matt inside it. "Good thing we didn't have to
rescue Arthur or Jim this way."
Carrying Matt out in a club, Falcon and Homey left the cell and
headed back to Homey's space jet. "Now, before we leave, we're going to
start a revolution among the slaves to overthrow their masters."
"Why?" Matt asked.
"I don't know," Falcon replied. "It's just an urge we suddenly
got."
"Those of you who just saved Arthur's list from the last post,"
Homey said to the readers, "should adjust it to show that Matt is now
free with us and planning revolution."
"How the hell does one start a revolution?"
"Beats me."
Kevin and Liam, having successfully sabotaged the Ancient
Astronauts' defensive shields, were now trying to find a way off of the
ship before it got attacked again. They stole an escape pod and took
off, heading down to the planet, homing in on Homey's ship (broadcasting
a beacon on a frequency known only to D00Ds). They landed, and joined
Falcon, Homey, and Matt.
"Change the list again," Homey said.
From -> Homey The Clown
"Wait a minute," Homey said, "if I remember right, the people in
there are all Iraqis. Why don't we just go in there with some food and
they'll all start surrendering?"
"Naaah, that would make the story to easy," Falcon said.
"Wait," pondered Homey even more. "Liam, give me your fucking tape
player!" yelled Homes.
"No way!! I want to listen to more elite music!!!" complained
Liam.
"Just give me the fucking thing, I'm gonna play 'It's Electric' and
they'll all start doing the Electric Slide!!" Homey yelled with joy. "I
hope this works," Homey thought as he prepared to bash open the
barricade to the slave-pen.
In the frozen wastes of Russia, several thousand nuclear warheads
floated toward the USA.
From -> Back Slash
"So where the hell are we?" Shiva asked, staggering out of the
woods four hours later. "Or, more to the point, WHEN are we?"
"Let's find out!" Pat answered. "Go-go Gadget Satellite Dish!" A
large satellite dish opened on Pat's head, and he stood motionless,
listening to the broadcasts he was receiving. "First of all, we appear
to be back in 1991. Secondly, we appear to be on Easter Island."
"The huge stone heads were a dead giveaway," Jay interrupted.
"And thirdly," Pat continued, "Russia appears to have launched all
of its missiles at America as part of a secret alliance with Australia."
"Can't we leave earth for even a little while without everyone
resorting to nuclear war?" Jay asked.
"Apparently not," Shiva replied. "So, what's for dinner?"
Arthur, Jim, and John continued to struggle with the Cannon Balls.
"Why are you so insistent on sending us back to earth?" Arthur queried,
in between strangling CBC's (Cannon Ball Clones).
"It is our current mission," Cannon Ball #28957016 responded. "We
rescue slaves and send them back to their home worlds."
"Well, we don't want your bloody service," Jim said.
"Yeah, huh?" John agreed. "Put us back!"
"If you say so," Cannon Ball #1.271891E+26 said. He hit the
Emergency Return Circuit Activator and Jim, John, and Arthur
disappeared. "No pleasing some people," he said. "I need a beer. Are
any of us over 21 yet?"
John, Art, and Jim reappeared back on the Ancient Astronaut ship.
"Oops," John said, as the grinning soldiers took aim and prepared to
shoot.
"I think I can explain," Jim said.
"Can you?" Blopshniggledoo asked.
"No, not really," Jim answered.
"We're not the only D00Ds on earth right now," Jay suggested.
"What say we link up with Don, Tim, and Aaron to save the planet before
we head out into space again?"
"Good plan," Pat said.
"I like the bit about linking up," Kristen said.
"Well then, let's go!" Jay said. "And then, we can tell them to
keep a closer eye on the planet once we leave again."
"Go-go Gadget helicopter!!"
From -> Zork Pendragon
"Aha, we've found some!" George Bush exclaimed gleefully. "Three
of the 'D00Ds' have finally reappeared on Earth!"
"Uh, sir..."
"What is it, Sununu?"
"Russia is nuking us..."
"Bloody hell, we'd better go for cover then. Wait a second...
Hey, Tio Sancho!"
"Si?"
"I have a mission for you. Three of your enemies have reappeared;
Pat, Jay, and Kristen... You can now have your revenge..."
"Oh, goody-gumdrops!" (Sancho smiles evilly at this point.)
America would not take being nuked lying down. The country
prepared to retaliate.
Of course, most alien races are far more advanced than earthlings,
thus when Homey blasted "It's Electric", the aliens, all having some
modicum of good musical taste, yelled at him to shut off the fucking
tape player.
"I've still got the Operation Ivy tape," Liam offered.
"Oh shit, Homey, you fucking imbecile, your excursions into music
have alerted the plantation masters of our presence.... they're coming
towards us right now!"
"Ya know," Falcon mused, "if I had the right equipment, I bet I
could broadcast this story over WJMF, thus alerting someone who could
rescue us."
"You forget two important things," Kevin countered after screaming
the line above Falcon's (forgot to mark that, sorry), "the first is that
if WJMF were to broadcast our position, no one would be able to pick up
its 225 Watt signal outside of a two or three mile radius from the
college."
"And the second?"
"'Dandy Andy' doesn't like Dragnet stories..."
"Look behind you!" John yelled.
"We will not fall for the same trick twice!" Blopshniggledoo
sneered.
"Look, um, above you!" Jim yelled.
The aliens did.
"They're not too bright, are they?", Arthur wondered as he, John,
and Jim began to run. "Just avoid all pipes, I don't want to be covered
in orange excrement like Kevin and Liam were..."
From -> Cannon Ball
The Cannon Balls beamed the other ex-slaves, who were all very
grateful at being rescued, thank you, back to their home worlds. "Now
what do we do?" asked Cannon Ball.
"Rescue more slaves," Cannon Ball replied.
"Let's check out the surface with our sensors to find the best
place to land," suggested Cannon Ball.
"Good idea" said Cannon Ball. "But wait! There's a revolution of
some kind going on down there!"
"Lets help the slaves revolt!" said Cannon Ball.
"After all, we're revolting too," said Cannon Ball.
"The D00Ds are already helping the slaves," said Cannon Ball.
"In that case, maybe we should help the slavers?" asked Cannon
Ball.
"Nah, we'll stay neutral," said Cannon Ball.
"Hold on one cotton picking moment!" said Aaron to Tio. Aaron and
the others were still prisoners of Bush and Tio (I think?) "Why don't
you get the other D00Ds here and we can work together to stop World War
III?"
Art, Jim, and John wanted to get off of the ship, but Kevin and
Lime Jello had already selfishly taken the one escape pod.
From -> GWIII
Jim, John, and Art hid from their previous friends (now mortal
enemies) until Art heard the entire universe get ready to let go with
another "GET ON WITH IT!!"
"Forget it," Don tried to protest, "you can't make me be part of
this stupid story!" He looked at the keyboard for a while and added,
"If you don't forget about me, I'll throw Jay around some more!"
"I hate it when you go off on a tangent like that," Art said,
looking down at the slaughtered alien bodies (Cannon balls? Who cares?)
"Um, I'm sorry I missed that," Jim apologized, "what happened?"
"Basically, you killed," John said in an oddly broken sentence,
"all of the Cannon Balls, at least the ones in our general area."
"Nice timing with that Don thing," Arthur hinted.
Don, being totally annoyed by now, went into some sort of rage at
the very mention of his name. People with white coats on came and
collected him, and took him away to a much happier place. Here there
were nice green trees to talk to and a pool to play bridge with. (Jim
groaned from outer space.) With a large number of classes and sessions
with psychologists, Don explained that every time a writer mentioned his
name in the story he felt like screaming out all of the names of old
American presidents except for Grover Cleveland.
The doctors, cunning as they are, decided that the only way to keep
Don fairly sane was to give him a new name and life.
"That was kind of drastic, Jim," Arthur said in a way that made it
seem like he wished he had thought of the idea.
"I have a really bad feeling of impending doom," John said.
"GET ON WITH IT!!!!" the universe exclaimed, again.
"Boy, they are impatient," Jim thought. "The plot will advance
with the next post, I've run out of space." Jim grinned at the last.
"Well," Jim said, noticing he was the center of the posts that
GWIII posted, "we'd better get on with it then."
"What gave you that idea," Arthur rolled his eyes sarcastically,
very impressive.
Jim and John went to see if the ship was functional while Arthur
looked at the computer on board the Alien ship.
"Out of order?!?" John yelled "That's how they crippled the ship,
by putting an out of order sign on the bathroom??"
"Liam and his simplistically anus infested imagination," Jim
muttered to himself.
"Hey it sounds like Arthur wrote that."
"Naw, just check the misspellings, besides, I just thought of
something really fun to do..."
"I corrected the misspellings," Arthur yelled from the next room.
In a Supermarket in Chicago, a small boy named Ed walked with
confidence toward the frozen food section of the Wiggly Piggly.
Confident that here on this day that was quoted in the prophecy, in the
space specified in the scroll, under the frozen peas that he had been
training all of his life to recognize without a flinch, he would find
the artifact called "Kettsidimns". It was an honor that he was chosen
for. He and he alone from all of the people (recently found out to be
Cannon balls) in the universe. He would be the one.
"What do you think Jim is up to?" John asked Arthur as they tried
to pilot the spaceship down to the planet's surface to aid in the
rebellion of the slaves.
"You mean with Ed? Heck I don't know. Hey, here is a question.
Why am I talking like an uneducated idiot?"
"Because," Jim finally misspelled aloud, "you had me saying really
dumb things while I couldn't call. It's called payback. I'm told it
can be very effective..."
Homey and Falcon, happy to finally be remembered by Jim, jumped for
joy as the revolution started. (How? I don't know, doesn't really
matter though.) Homey was rushing up to the house of the slavers when he
stepped on a magical Ed sign. Homey was in pain. Homey was hurt and
bad. Homey don't play that!
From -> Back Slash
Homey looked at the Ed sign. He couldn't for the life of him
figure out what it was. He decided to wait for Jim to call again and
tell him. Falcon, on the other hand, had already killed ten slave
masters and overlords, and almost FIFTY innocent bystanders. The
revolution was put on hold for a few minutes while they gave him a
medal.
Liam, on the other hand, was using chemical weapons (emitted from
his overactive anus) to clean up any pockets of strong resistance.
Those Cannon Balls, which weren't members of the Galactic Tribunal,
lodged a protest with those who were.
Kevin and Matt were in a bunker, organizing troop movements,
feints, parries, and sorties as only a couple of people afraid to
actually go out and fight themselves could do.
Arthur, Jim, and John landed on the opposite side of the planet.
Arthur looked at his watch. "Your shift is over now, Jim," he said.
"Now I'm the intelligent one and you're the sidekick again."
"Really, boss?" Jim said. "Well, shucks."
"Why don't I ever get to be the really intelligent one?" John
asked.
"Because then you would also have to take an occasional turn as the
really stupid one," Arthur answered, "and your contract forbids that."
"What won't they think of next?" Jim guffawed.
John switched Arthur and Jim into Program 2-B-23, mindless killer
mode. As he watched Jim and Arthur heading out and leaving a path of
death and destruction in their wake, John realized that, at this moment,
he was the most intelligent one. He went back into the ship and opened
up the closet where he had hidden his girlfriend and let the others
worry about the revolution.
"We can't just let Russia blow us up... BOOM! Not gonna do it,"
George Bush said. "We need to form a coalition, work together, but
under the UN, to stop these bombs." Bush made obscure hand motions.
"Work with the D00Ds?" Tio Sancho asked. "Are you sure that that
would be, umm, you know, prudent?"
"Fuck prudent," said Tim. "I personally don't intend to glow in
the dark. Besides, I just saw Arthur yesterday so he'd better give me
more of a part than this. Although it is fun to watch Don whenever he
gets mentioned."
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Don mentioned.
"Isn't that fun?" Aaron asked. "Don! Don! Don! Don!"
"ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!" explained Don, "ARGH!"
"But now," Tim said, "back to business."
From -> Falcon
"Someone call the police, or an ambulance, or something!"
"What is going on here?" the supermarket manager demanded.
This normally quiet, routine supermarket was now being accosted by
Ed's screaming. He had just lost control of his bodily functions and
screamed: "AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! ARGH! ARGH!
ARGH! ARGH! I, I, I, (stuttering) I'm OK now, really," explained Ed.
"You're sure?" queried the manager.
"Yes, I just want these FROZEN PEAS..."
"I think we had better consider it," said Bushywushy.
"Yeah, me too!" guffawed Dan Quayle. (You see, there has to be an
absolute idiot in EVERY sub-plot. Just Dan and George don't trade...)
"Well I'm not going to be any part of it!" screamed Tio Sancho.
"Fine, see you on my next annual trip to Leavenworth."
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. Falcon's pager was paging him to call WJMF.
"What, now?!? Sometimes I hate this fucking thing. 401-232-6150.
Yeah, what?!?"
"Don, you've gotta get over here now!" screamed Dandy Andy.
"Russia is nuking the US and our remote equipment is dead again!"
"You mean you wanted to broadcast that? Wow! First good thing on
your show ever! OK, be there in a few hours, unless we can find a
transporter beam."
"Gee, thanks!" Guffawed Dandyman [SEE ABOVE RE: ABSOLUTE IDIOT
EVERY PLOT]
"Hey," screamed Falcon. "Enough with this revolution shit. Russia
is nuking the US!!!!!!!"
John yelled, "Hey, go back to the ship. We'll beam back down to
Smithfield!"
"Why Smithfield?" everyone asked each other incredulously as they
got in and let the slaves revolutionize on their own.
From -> Zork Pendragon
The slave revolution was going along nicely, Kevin and Matt found
John behind the bunker with his female (who I would name but that would
cause unnecessary confusion with Shiva, in much the same way as
Shadowstorm and Falcon).
"Hey," Kevin yelled at John, "I thought we agreed, no girlfriends
in this story. That's cheating. It just fucks up the plot more than
necessary. Come on, I didn't bring MY girlfriend along, did I?"
Lynn giggled under the war-planning table. John looked
incredulously at Kevin. Matt wondered if Kristen and he would have to
leave the story if he actually managed to land her, since there aren't
supposed to be couples in these things.
"DonFalcon says we're beaming back to Earth to save it from nuclear
destruction anyway, first we gotta re-penetrate the Ancient Astronaut
ship and use their teleport system though. Come on, let's round
everyone up."
Kevin and Matt retrieved Liam from the chemical bombardments. John
and DonFalcon shut off Arthur and Jim. Homey was still screaming in
pain, but no one really gave a fuck.
"Now," John began, "the slaves can manage without us. Planet Earth
can't. We gotta get back onto the Ancient Astronaut Ship and beam back
to Earth. We need a plan." John turned to Arthur and Jim. "Now, which
of you is smart right now? I have too much trouble keeping track."
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey was still in pain. Then the Falcon remembered Homey's space
plane! "Come on guys! We'll steal Homey's plane!" falcon cried with
glee. They all ran to Homey's ship, and climbed in.
"Fuck!" screamed John, "this thing needs an access card!"
"Let's go beat up homey," suggested Matt.
"OK, sounds good to me," replied John. They all ran back to Mike
only to see...
"My mommy told me never to never to play with matches, but because
I'm grown up now, I'll try it out," Homey said. He pulled out a match,
lit it up, and dropped it in a convulsion of pain. It hit the Ed sign,
and set it ablaze. Fortunately, Homey escaped right before he was to
become ash. He then went into the slave area and started fucking
another blonde.
In DC, Quayle finally made a decision. "Nuke them!" he screamed.
Nukes supposedly destroyed, reappeared and fired; chemical weapons
launched, and the navy seals invaded Australia and took the place over.
In Lithuania, revolutionists grabbed nukes and started nuking Moscow.
The total= 1000000000 mushroom clouds
The total= 87% of Russia's most populated areas filled with nerve
gas.
The Russian leader was not happy! He fired back with (no, God no!)
the CBC!! About one TRILLION Cannon Balls landed in Rhode Island and
started eating up the WJHS...
From -> Tio Sancho
"Wow," said Quayle, viciously smashing the controller of his
Nintendo with his hand, "I WON!! I beat everyone at SADDAM HUSSEIN'S
NUCLEAR WAR simulation!!"
Tio Sancho thought for a moment, considering, "hmm... If we all
became crispy-toasted, would I be able to get revenge on ANY D00Ds?
God, why the hell was I trying to get revenge on the D00Ds in the first
place? Ack, what the hell, I'm in."
"Thank you, Tio," said President Bush as they shook hands. A small
residual spark of ambient energy flew off Tio's sombrero and zapped
Quayle's Nintendo deck, deleting the recently achieved high score
forever. As Quayle started whining and whimpering, Tio popped him
another zap. "Thanks again, Tio," smiled President Bush. "We've been
trying to shut the little brat up for ages."
"Alright, Tio," said Aaron, "I knew you'd have a change of heart.
I think."
So Tio, Aaron, Tim, and the Bushmeister started to discuss their
plans for saving the rest of whatever from annihilation.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Homey ran up to the rest of the D00Ds, "I just had sex again," he
smiled to himself.
"I don't believe you," Arthur began.
"Aw, why not?"
"Your eyes haven't changed color," Arthur said.
"No one in their right mind would have sex with you," Falcon added.
"And you haven't hit puberty yet," Kevin finished.
"Shucks, found me out."
John led Arthur, Jim, Matt, Falcon, Kevin, Liam, and Homey back to
the ship and examined the teleporters. He then turned to Kevin and Liam
and began to curse wildly. "Why the fuck did you sabotage this too?!?"
"We kinda got carried away, ya know, get pissed, destroy, anarchy,
etc." Liam began to recite some Sex Pistol lyrics to add to the effect.
Arthur (who was in smart phase) began to examine it, "It's not that
busted, the only thing off is the mass teleport unit. We'd have to go
in groups of four."
John, Arthur, Jim, and Kevin went through first and materialized on
Newport Beach, right when Pat, Jay, and Shiva flew in on the Gadget
copter. "Hey guys..." they began explaining adventures.
Falcon, Matt, Liam, and Homey materialized in the WJMF studios,
startling the shit out of Dandy Andy. Liam immediately shoved Andy away
from the microphone and reached into his anus for a Gorilla Biscuits CD.
"Welcome to ELITE RADIO!" he screamed into the microphone.
John, Arthur, Jim, Kevin, Pat, Jay, and Kristen set off in the
Gadget copter for Smithfield to meet up with the others; then to
Washington to hook up with Tim, Aaron, Tio, Don, Kid Carson, and George
Bush.
In the supermarket, Ed smiled at the many packages he saw.
Bush, Tio, Tim, Aaron, and Kid Carson awaited the D00Ds' arrival.
Don sulked in a corner. A Cannon Ball entered the room. "Mr. Bush,
even though I think you're a scumsucking pig, I think that in this time
of intense crisis we all have to work together to avoid catastrophe.
Whaddaya say?"
"Oh what the hell," Tim muttered, "I suppose if we have to put up
with Homey the Clown we can put up with you as well. It looks like a
truce is being called until this gets sorted out."
"I'd add something too, Tim," Aaron added, "but we're out of space
in this post; and I am now made entirely out of wood."
From -> Falcon
As the D00Ds arrived, the royal red carpet was rolled out for them.
"Holy shit!" Kevin exclaimed. "I never thought I'd see this kind of
treatment!"
"OK, Mr. President, what do you want? I suppose it can't be to
capture us, as we'd have been tied up by now," said John.
"No hard feelings, I hope," Bush said as he eyed his former
captives.
As all of this bullshitting was going on, several hundred nuclear
missiles were streaming toward the United States. Several more hundred
Raytheon Patriot missiles were also being aimed.
"Well, as I'm sure you D00Ds all know, the Soviet Union has
launched an all out thermonuclear attack on the United States. We need
this stopped immediately," said Bush.
"OK, well, give us about 15 minutes, and we'll have a plan,"
asserted Falcon.
"We will?" asked Aaron.
"But of course!" assured Art.
From -> Back Slash
"Wait a minute!" Jim yelled. "I've got a plan! Really! It's easy
and IT JUST MIGHT WORK!!!"
"What is it??" everyone asked.
Suddenly, Back Slash called Dragnet and took over writing the
story. Jim therefore became the dumb sidekick again. "I forgot," Jim
chortled.
Everyone screamed, and tried to get Slash to log off and GWIII to
log on.
Arthur got out some maps, diagrams, a calculator, three
protractors, two cases of Apple Pop Tarts, and a Far Side desk calendar.
After ten seconds, he came up with a plan. It didn't take him long to
come up with the plan, because it was the same plan that he always used.
"Let's split up!!"
"Why does he always insist on splitting us up?" Kevin asked. "Love
of subplots? Chances for increased character development?"
"No," Jim tittered, "he just wants to get away to Liam's odor."
"Really!" Arthur exclaimed, loud enough to cease to unnecessary
dialogue. "There haven't been any majorly damaging nuke hits yet, the
nukes are still in the air. We need people (probably Homey and Falcon,
since they have jets) to shoot down the missiles in the air. We need
other people to keep the rest of the missiles from being launched. We
need people to stop any ground offensives that might begin. We need
people to talk to the politicians around the world to stop this madness.
And me? I'll stay here, order a pizza, and coordinate the whole she-
bang."
"NOT!!" yelled the others, as Homey and Falcon immediately took off
(no time to lose!) They then drew straws to see who would get which
job.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M WITH LIAM?!?!?" complained Arthur.
From -> Falcon
Falcon, in his new F-16 Fighting Falcon (the F-15 was left in
Kuwait, out of gas and graffiti'd), was knocking the little nukie things
outta the sky with ease. The US Gov't had LOADED his ship with all
sortsa neat firepower for him to play with. "This is fucking great!" he
screamed for all to hear.
At the same time, Homey was enjoying himself too. "OK, lets try
the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious beam on these suckers."
WOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOO!!!
"I love the sound of that beam toasting nukie pies."
All around them, Patriot anti-missile missiles were concentrating
on the nukepies too!
"Go-go Gadget subsonic jet!" screamed Madmouser, as Tio Sancho,
Lime Jell-O, and Kid Carson jumped in (we haven't talked about him in
ages). "Off to Russia. There won't be one missile site left once we're
done with them!"
Avatar, Arthur (sneakily managing to separate himself from Liam),
and Shiva started off to Australia. They would quell any further
attempts to kick the USA in the teeth.
"What do we do now?" asked Jim.
"I dunno. Guess it's time someone else added to the story," added
George Bush.
From -> Back Slash
As the battles raged on around the world, Jim and John were
slaughtering Bush and Quayle at cribbage, waiting for the writers to
give them something to do. And then, fifteen Cannon Balls broke down
the door to the Oval Office and stormed in!! However, the Oval Office
was empty, because Bush and company were actually downstairs in the War
Room. Ten minutes later, the Cannon Balls broke down the door and
charged into the War Room. "Now that the armies of the world are
distracted," one of them (does it matter which?) announced, "WE are
taking over! You are our prisoners, and will hand over the reins of
power to us!!"
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey and Falcon continued blowing up the little nukies. They blew
'em all up and then they went away. "I got an idea," said Homey through
the intercom to Falcon.
"We can go to the alien ship and steal some kind of secret weapon!"
they both yelled at once. (What the secret weapon is, though...)
Pat's jet began to feel a little soft. "Shit, I knew this
cardboard wouldn't hold for long," said Pat.
"You mean we're in cardboard?!?" exclaimed Kid Carson.
"Yes," said Pat.
The plane began to fall as they entered Siberia.
From -> Zork Pendragon
The shitty plane landed in the frozen wastelands of Siberia. Pat,
Tio, Liam, and Kid Carson gave out a group "brrr". Liam pulled fluffy
T.R. jackets from his anus; and even though they did smell a bit, they
were ample protection from the cold.
Arthur, Jay, and Kristen went to Australia via submarine ("Just a
little idea I had a long time ago," Arthur muttered, showing them his
famous "Blue Plague" story), and then soon landed at the port of the
usually peaceful country that had for some strange reason turned hostile
on the U.S.
Falcon and Homey were still kickin' some serious butt...
The Cannon Balls burst in on John, Jim, President Bush, Cannon
Ball, Quayle, and Don. Cannon Ball decided to join his brothers.
"Don't mind me," Don muttered, "Just pretend I'm not here."
Kevin, Tim, Aaron, and Matt were trying to decide what to do.
"Well, they took off while we were out," Kevin noticed.
"What should we do then?" Tim wondered.
"I don't want to go to Siberia, it's cold out there."
"I want to go to Australia," Matt suggested, "because Kristen's
there."
"Fine, let's go to Australia then."
A Cannon Ball picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Hello?
Cannon Ball? Hi, it's Cannon Ball. How's Cannon Ball? Oh, that's
good, but what about Cannon Ball? He's fine too? That's good, oh, but
what is that you say? Cannon Ball's not feeling well? Bummer."
"Stop it!" Jim yelled. "This is getting silly!"
"Shut up," Cannon Ball suggested, "you're a Jim, you can't be in on
this."
John shoved his face into his hands.
The Cannon Ball on the phone finally got down to business, "Okay,
we've taken over the USA, Russia, Australia, Sweden, Portugal, and most
of Africa and South America. Soon, all will be conquered and a new
Cannon Ball World Order will be put into effect!"
Jim nudged John. "You realize this is only going to get sillier,"
he groaned.
"Don't mind me!" Don yelled rather obviously. "I'm not here!
Really! Honestly, just make like I'm not here!"
From -> Falcon
As if by magic (or a writer writing it in), a wooden sign appeared
around Don's neck saying: "I'm not here, really!"
"I gotta land for some fuel anyway," yelled Falcon over the
intercom. "What is this secret weapon you know about?" he asked.
Homey replied, "just land and I'll tell you on the ship."
"Well, where do we go from here?!?" Tio demanded.
"Let's come up with a plan," Pat replied.
From -> Zork Pendragon
"Brrr," Pat, Tio, Liam, and Kid Carson repeated in unison.
"Liam, do you have any transportation in that thing?" Pat asked.
Liam felt around in his anus, happy for the excuse. "Nope," then
he added, "but I've got a really zany sock that's cut in half..."
"Oh well, we'll have to do it my way. Go-go Gadget Snowmobile!"
Pat then transformed into a snowmobile with Pat's head. Liam, Tio, and
the Kid entered. They then sped through the snow, and came to a village.
The Cannon balls tied up John, Jim, Bush, and Quayle and locked
them in a dungeon. They were about to tie up Don as well, but he gave
them a look that made even them reconsider. "He won't bother us
anyway," they reasoned, "let's just pretend he's not there."
"THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO!" Don yelled.
Arthur, Jay, and Kristen landed in Australia, and the Aussies
started throwing koala bears at them. "We should have chosen Siberia,"
Arthur muttered.
"But then you would have been in Liam's group," Jay said.
This cheered up Arthur a little.
Kevin, Tim, Aaron, and Matt landed on the other side of Australia.
"Now, where should we look for Art, Jay and Kris?"
"My love will guide me," said you-know-who with a starry glance.
Tim had packed his truck on the plane, so the four of them piled
into it, playing "Johnny B. Goode". Tim, Aaron, and Kevin had also
packed their girlfriends, so they had Matt drive.
"But I don't know how..."
"It's easy, you turn this and press onto this. If we get pulled
over we're dead anyway so it doesn't matter if you don't have yer
license." Tim then dived onto Emily.
"Well, if it'll get me to Shiva faster," Matt reasoned, and then
started the car.
Jim and John easily escaped their bonds, as they did in 161 AD, but
Bush and Quayle weren't quite so lucky. "Let us go, too."
"No," said John, "we'll come back for you later, for now there's
something else we gotta attend to."
John and Jim entered the next room, where Kristen and Michelle
were.
"Oh bloody hell, if they can do it, so can I!" Arthur screamed,
then went off somewhere with Donna. Jay and Kristen scratched their
heads.
"Pity I'm still undecided about my love life, or I could leave
too," Jay muttered.
"Cheer up, Jay, just look at all these Aussie guys! I wonder if
one of them will go to the prom with me?"
Liam and Pat got really jealous. "Well, fuck," they said together,
"if Jim, John, Kev, Tim, Aaron, and Art are gonna be like that, then so
will I!" It was the first recorded time in the story that they had ever
agreed on ANYTHING.
Liam and Pat went off somewhere with Jocelyn and Steph. Tio and
Kid Carson wondered how they were going to get around in the snowmobile
now. Right when they were about to start worrying, Homey swooped down
and picked them up.
"Don't worry, we've got a secret weapon," Homey giggled. "Falcon's
picking up the others in Australia."
"What about the nukes?" asked Tio.
"We shot 'em all down."
"Zany."
Falcon picked up Jay and Kristen, then spied Matt driving Tim's
Testosterone Truck a few miles away. Falcon also picked up Matt. Matt,
upon seeing Shiva, was ecstatic. "Fuck the truck, I wanna be near my
woman!"
Arthur appeared from behind a curtain and pulled out a large sign
reading "Plot Update". "Okay," he began, "the events of the story have
taken an unexpected twist. Cannon Ball, in an unexpected stroke of
trickery and deceit, has taken over the entire planet to make it a
happier and more politically correct place. Myself (Arthur), Jim, John,
Kevin, Tim, Aaron, Liam, and Pat have all gone off somewhere with our
girlfriends. Falcon, Homey, Tio Sancho, Kid Carson, Jay, Kristen, and
Matt (and a secret weapon that hasn't been revealed yet) are still
trying to save the world. Homey, Tio and Kid Carson are in Russia,
while Falcon, Jay, Kristen, and Matt are in Australia. I think that's
it."
"What about my subplot!" Jim yelled from offstage.
"Ah yes, a young boy named Eddie bought some peas somewhere."
"Don't forget that Bush and Quayle are captured in the White
House."
"I was getting to that, Kevin."
"No you weren't, this is the last line," Tim yelled.
From -> Homey The Clown
Homey turned on his Amiga, the screen flashed on, and he started
typing in all sorts of commands. A target sight flashed up, and Homey
put the crosshairs on what appeared to be a huge mountain of snow.
"Hehehahahehe!" Homey laughed wickedly. A conical weapon popped out of
the right side of his incredible ship. Ziinngg!! A flash of orange
light shot out from the gun and hit the snow. The result? Lime jell-o!
"Yes! It works!!" Mike yelled incredibly loudly. "Now, a smaller
target!"
Homey kicked in the afterburners at mach 20 and was over the White
House in a second. He put the target sight in zoo-zoo-zoom mode, and
targeted all the Cannon Balls!!
In Finland, a group of people prepared to take back Sweden. "All
ready!" screamed Eric the Red. The group cocked their weapons.
From -> Back Slash
Horrible battles ranged across the globe. The combatants used
jello, snowballs, boomerangs, high-tech fighter planes, and low-tech
moss-covered rocks. A full description of the battles would have filled
up all of Dragnet's disks and prevented the story from going any
further, so all of the people involved agreed that a final score would
be sufficient.
FINAL SCORE -- D00Ds: ALL, Cannon Balls: NAUGHT
Two hours later, Arthur staggered out from behind the hazel curtain
with matching eyes (matching the curtain, not matching each other (well,
they did match each other, too)). "So," he asked, "what happened?"
The D00Ds, sitting around a table eating pizza, looked at each
other. Kevin stood up and replied, "We have reclaimed the world from the
Cannon Balls! They are all gone and we remain! Damn, we're good!!"
Jim and John staggered in through another door. "Did you remember
to save at least one Cannon Ball for questioning?" asked Jim, forgetting
to be stupid while Arthur posted. Arthur decided not to give him any
more lines.
"Well, I thought of saving one," Jay said. "But we got carried
away."
"How the hell do we continue the story, then?" John demanded.
The D00Ds began to worry. If the story couldn't be continued,
they'd cease to exist! They had passed up a full description of their
heroics in battle just to ensure that the story could continue! Now
what could they do?
Unbelievably enough, it was Liam who saved them all. "I captured
one of the Cannon Balls," he announced. He reached into his anus and
withdrew a gagging Cannon Ball. "Here he is! Let the questioning
begin!"
Jim grunted. He wanted to say something; but Arthur, who was
writing this segment of the story, wouldn't let him. However, while
Arthur wasn't looking, he communicated with John in sign language.
"What," John asked, as Jim had advised him to, "is your quest?"
"Earth," Cannon Ball replied, also using broken sentence structure,
"is one of the last planets we have left to conquer. Once we get rid of
humanity and populate Earth with clones of ourselves, we will be ready
to achieve our ultimate goal!"
"What is your ultimate goal?" Matt asked. "Sex with Shiva?"
"Total dominion of the universe!" Cannon Ball replied. "An entire
universe full of Cannon Balls! Total peace and elitism as far as the
eye (assisted by radar telescope) can see!!!"
"Go-go Gadget guillotine," Pat commanded, and removed Cannon Ball's
head. "We now have a goal, people! We must preserve Earth and humanity
by destroying the Cannon Ball threat and taking over the universe for
Earth people!!"
"That should take quite a few more posts," Arthur said,
contentedly.
From -> Madmouser
"Finally, we've got some continuity! WOW!" remarked Pat as he
walked over to his Jeep (which had recently been fixed) and started
pushing buttons on the dash. Suddenly, it grew ten feet longer, turned
a really deep shade of black; so black in fact that if you were not
looking at it, you wouldn't see it. It also and grew a roof. The tires
lifted off the ground and rotated and were now powerful rocket motors.
The Baja lights turned into deadly lasers, and after the transformation
was done, it had become a space ship. "Well," said Pat, "Are we gonna
go or do I have to use the Go-go Gadget Cattle Prod?"
"Yeah! We're going!" yelled John.
"Umm... I've got a good question. Where the fuck are we going?"
asked Jim, really puzzled-like.
"We're going to dimension ZXQ (where water fountains are worshipped
as false gods) to stop the Cannon Balls. The Jeep's computer figured
out that that was where they were coming from, because that was the only
place that actually tolerates his kind of thinking for any length of
time. Not only do they tolerate it, they ENCOURAGE it."
Everyone piled into the jeep, and Pat told the computer to fly them
to that inter-dimensional gate. The computer beeped and the jeep lifted
effortlessly off of the planet. "God, I love standard features!" Pat
remarked.
From -> Back Slash
"Elbow room, elbow room, gotta gotta gotta get some elbow room,"
sung Jim and Arthur. It was awfully crowded in the jeep, with everyone
in it, and it was pretty smelly besides. "Are you sure we can't split
into groups again?"
"I put in everything else," Homey complained, "but I forgot to put
a dimensional travel system in the space jet I gave myself."
"We'll be there soon enough," Liam said, as his flatulence wafted
through the cabin of the jeep-cum-dimensional-transport.
"Go-go Gadget Air Freshener!!" exclaimed Pat.
One blank line later, Jay looked up from the Astro-Radar. "There's
a ship coming in to intercept us," Jay announced.
"No problem," the Falcon replied. "I've got our secret weapon, the
Jello Projector, configured and on-line. Whoever's in that ship has a
surprise or two coming."
"I still say that's a waste of jello," Matt grumped. "I mean, I
can think of a few uses for jello," Matt paused, and looked at Kristen,
"if my love would join me..."
Before Matt could complete the thought, Kristen hurled him across
the cabin as if he were a flea. "Why can't I find a REAL man?"
The other D00Ds coughed and looked the other way.
The D00Ds continued to argue amongst themselves, giving the alien
ship ample time to close and intercept the D00D Space-Jeep. The D00Ds
were still debating about Homey and Moonbeam's love lives (or lack
thereof) when the jeep was grabbed by a tractor beam and pulled into the
alien ship's hold.
From -> Homey The Clown
"Go-go Give Homey's Ship A Dimensional Transporter!" Pat yelled. A
box flew out of Pat's arse and stuck to Mike's incredible ship.
"Are we out of gas? It seems like we're not moving anywhere,"
asked Liam.
Homey and Falcon looked up. "There's the ship, let's Go-go Invade
It, and Go-go Get The Women," Homey and Falcon said instantaneously.
They jumped into the space plane and flew away.
Shiva, distracted by the sight of the ship pulling them up with a
tractor beam, was caught completely surprised by Matt's sudden jump on
her. He didn't quite make it, though. "Eek!" Shiva yelled, as the
secret weapon was activated. "What's all this jello doing here? And
where's Matt?"
"Oopsy, wrong button, hope I didn't cause any damage," said Homey
as he started having sex with the best looking girl at WJHS. "I always
practice safe sex," Homey announced as he pulled out a condom.
From -> Zork Pendragon
In the ship's hold, the Go-go Dimensional Jeep-Ship was surrounded
by gun-toting evil scummy guard types.
"Perhaps," Jim reasoned, "if we start making barnyard animal noises
then they'll all go away."
"And what's your reasoning for that?" Avatar wondered.
"Well," Jim answered, "they may think that we're actually barnyard
animals."
"I can think of ONE person who fits that bill," Shiva spat, glaring
at Matt.
"Does that mean that I'm your sweet love-pig, honeybunch?"
From -> Cannon Ball
The D00Ds started making animal noises like Jim had suggested, in
the hopes that Jim was in his smart phase. But, he wasn't. "Wait a
minute!" yelled out Art, "what if our captors LIKE barnyard animals?"
"Then we give them Matt!" said Shiva, driving her foot through
Matt's almost nonexistent testicles.
"Go-go Find Out What's Going On!" Pat yelled as he looked out the
window. He saw legions of armed Cannon Balls surrounding the ship.
"COME ON OUT!!" yelled the CB Leader. "We have you surrounded!
Surrender for the crimes of nuking Baghdad and killing people and the
environment as international terrorist war criminals!!"
"But that happened on the other time line," John explained. "We
sort of shifted reality a bit. In this reality, we stopped nuclear war
and saved the planet." John sighed. "Try to keep up..."
"Oh," said the assembled Cannon Balls, all at the same time, "well
then, I guess you can all go. Sorry for the inconvenience." They
holstered their weapons, turned off the tractor beam, and saluted the
D00Ds.
"NOW!!" yelled Arthur, and honorably opened fire on the Cannon
Balls. Gallons and gallons of lime jello hit the Cannon Balls.
Nothing happened
"We've immunized ourselves against lime, orange, and all other
kinds of jello," said the Cannon Ball leader. Seeing Liam reaching up
his butt, CB also added, "we're immunized against that shit too."
"Who cares?" Jim asked. "We also brought guns!"
From -> Back Slash
"They also have guns," Arthur pointed out. "If only we had some
kind of strange, exotic flavor of jello which they weren't immunized
against."
"We could whip up some jello!" John suggested. "But what kind of
jello can we make that the Cannon Balls aren't immune to?"
"I've got an idea," Jim said, and opened a closet.
A small boy came out of the closet and bowed down before Jim. He
kissed Jim's feet and exclaimed, "oh, your great and royal GWIIIness!!
All my life I have waited for this moment!! Please, accept this
gift!!!" The boy handed Jim a bag of frozen peas.
"Thank you, Eddie," Jim said, accepting the peas and patting
Eddie's head. Jim tossed the peas to John, and told him, "Use these peas
for jello!"
The Cannon Balls tried to board Pat's jeep-ship, but were held back
by the D00Ds. Or, more accurately, by the D00Ds' guns. After fifteen
minutes, when the D00Ds were almost out of ammo and the Cannon Balls
were closing in, Arthur yelled out, "we're ready! Pull back, D00Ds!!"
The Cannon Balls rushed forward, and Jim pulled the trigger.
Suddenly, the Cannon Balls found themselves smothered in green pea
jello. Naturally, they had never expected pea jello, and were not
immunized. After a brief (and literal) clean-up operation, the D00Ds
had complete control of the CB warship.
"And now," Jim began.
"On to battle," Arthur finished, having decided that he had given
Jim enough lines for one post.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Back on Earth...
"Will they stop seeing what I'm doing!?!" Don yelled. A thought
occurred to him. "If I end this story, they won't be able to focus on
me anymore. But killing them won't work; I've tried it before. I'll
just have to... um... resolve all the conflicts. Yeah..."
Back in another dimension...
"Pea jello! YUMMY!" Liam exclaimed.
"How totally and completely gross," Kevin noticed.
John began to make odd noises.
"Where's Simon?" Aaron wondered.
From -> Back Slash
"Wait a minute," Aaron suddenly wondered to himself, "Simon who?"
Falcon waited in the plane for the two minutes it took Homey to
screw the moderately pretty (but extremely drunk) girl. He wondered to
himself why he got dragged along on this side-trip, and speculated on
the benefits of taking off and leaving Homey behind.
"I'm back," Homey said, climbing into the cockpit. "Now what?"
"Well," Falcon replied, with not TOO much sarcasm, "there is a WAR
we're supposed to be fighting."
"Oh, yeah," Homey said. "Let's go!" Homey hit the launch button.
Falcon caressed the pilot eject button. He figured it would be
best to wait until they were in the vacuum of space before using it.
"But, Don," George Bush said. Bush then had to raise his voice to
be heard over Don's screaming (at having been brought into the story
again). "You can't end the story without being mentioned in it even
more. And not just offhand references, either, but whole posts."
"He's right," Dan Quayle said, and then put his thumb back in his
mouth.
"I think you should follow the suggestion that was made earlier,
and take on a new identity somewhere," Bush said. "I can arrange for
the Witness Relocation Agency to take care of you."
"Thank you, sir," Don said, and then left for the address Bush gave
him.
"That was decent of you, sir," Sununu said.
"Not really," Bush replied. "One of the authors, I think it was
GWIII, had a reason for suggesting the change of identity. But we can
forget about him for now."
"I need a new diaper," Quayle said.
From -> GWIII
Seeing that they worked so well as a team, John, Art, and Jim took
control of the Cannon Ball Command Battle Cruiser (CBCBC). "Why do we
always get split up like this?" asked Art in a second fiddle-toned
voice.
"I don't know, but its pretty cool. Should we take anyone else
with us so that we can sub-divide more later?"
"Okay, John," Jim said, "but let's not ask Don" (Loud scream from
the area of the Earth) "or Homey or Falcon or Cannon Ball or..."
Jim continued his speech for hours, ranting and raving about how
the universe was out to get him and how the people in it annoyed him so.
This allowed Eddie to sneak back on board, partly because he wanted to
be close to the hand of his god and partly because he had nothing else
to do and didn't want to walk out into deep space.
While Jim still continued his speech on who not to invite to go
with them, Art pulled the CBCBC out of park and into drive, space drive
that is, and headed off for the home planet of the Cannon Ball Race
(CBR) so he could end the CBC (Cannon Ball Continuum) and make the
universe CBF (Cannon Ball Free).
Jim was still not inviting people when The Falcon hit the ejection
button and Homey the Clown was placed rather abruptly into an airless
environment. (I know that he will only write himself back so I use him
for a sub-sub-subplot.) The Falcon didn't realize, and Jim didn't take
notice (giving the speech and all) that Homey was pulled into a black
hole and transported to some distant and far-off planet that the author
is sure will be visited by the D00Ds eventually.
Kristen, Donna, and Michelle, having no real plot value at all,
decide to discuss some of the strange things that have been happening to
them. Unfortunately, Donna spoke up first (being that kind of a women),
and now Jim can't go on any more.
From -> Back Slash
Homey hit the ground hard, and the first thing he did was take a
deep breath of air. It was nice to be in air again; even a short time
in vacuum was too long as far as Homey was concerned. Then Homey looked
up, and saw that extremely rude looking tanks surrounded him. Homey
grinned and tried to find a hiding place. Unfortunately, the only
hiding places were tanks, and they were taken.
Then the hatch opened on one of the tanks. "Look!" yelled Captain
Randal Flagg (United States Space Marine Corps), "it's a D00D!! Well,
not really, but close enough for now."
"What the hell are you doing here?" asked the ever-so-clever Homey.
"We've been sent to help you kill the Cannon Balls," Flagg said.
"And then, to kill all of you. Bush was upset at being left tied up."
"Well, then," Homey said. "What are we waiting for? Let's go!"
Jim continued to rant and rave, with an occasional chortle and
guffaw, about who he wasn't going to invite along. "Give me a PEN!" Jim
yelled. "I never have a pen when I need one!!"
Arthur handed Jim a pen, and he went on writing down names,
circling some, putting lines through others, and drawing all sorts of
incomprehensible diagrams around others.
The other D00Ds on the ship (including, but not limited to, Jay,
Kevin, Liam, and Pat) decided not to wait for Jim to finish and set off
on their own, splitting up into two groups and taking off in the Battle
Pods (leaving Arthur, Jim, and John in a now-unarmed ship since the
fighting parts detached). However, only the main portion of the
battleship, with John and company in it, had warp drive. So, when Jim
finally finished ranting (because Arthur unconsciousness-fopped him),
they did a jump to the Cannon Ball home world and were immediately
captured.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Pat, Jay, Tio, Matt, and Kristen went in one space pod; Kevin,
Liam, Aaron, and Tim went off in another pod. Of course, as soon as
they detached the pods, a fifth head appeared in the Kevin-Liam-Tim-
Aaron pod.
"I thought you went with Pat, Jay, Tio, and Matt?" Tim asked
Kristen.
"If you think I'm going to spend the rest of this story with Matt
then you're crazy."
"You realize, of course," Liam countered, "that this is the ELITE
ship, and I brought all my tapes."
"So did I," Aaron said.
"So did I," Tim said.
"So did I," Kevin said, and then added, "especially this really
keen Morrissey album..." which Liam promptly threw into the garbage.
Kristen began to think she may have been able to tolerate Matt
after all as the four elitists began to slam-dance around the ship with
"Beers, Steers, and Queers" by the Revolting Cocks blasting.
"Where's Kristen?" wondered Pat, Jay, Tio, and Matt.
From -> GWIII
"...And if you even think about bringing that scummy little prick
from your mother's uncle's sisters' side of the Grandino family named
Edward the Zebra, I'll never even talk to you again!" Jim finally
finished, and gasped for a breath. Looking around, Jim got a puzzled
look on his face because he thought he was writing this and puzzled
faces were strictly for sidekicks. "Where the hell are we?"
"Ah ha! I knew it!" Art jumped up and said.
"Ah ha, what?"
"You lost your place again and want me to give you a recap! I knew
it!"
"Alright," Jim said, looking at his log file of previous posts, "go
ahead."
Don felt the knockout drugs going bumpty bumpty through his brain
and making him feel happy. He knew this would work, no one would ever
mention him again in the story, AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!
"...And now, Jim is listening to Art give a recap of the
situation."
"Got it," Jim said, trying to keep his laughter in.
"I think it's time we did something about the CBC, don't you?" John
chimed in quite unexpectedly.
"Good lord, he's right," Art said in a sidekicky voice.
Kristen, not knowing what else to do, joined in the slam dancing.
Surprisingly, she found that she was very good at it. "Hey, let's try
this with one of my tapes." She put in Anthrax ("I Am The Man"), and
started to bounce off Liam and the others rather violently. After a few
minutes of the really dirty version, she decided she was going to take
control of the ship, mainly because she was the only one still
conscious. "Now to go blow the crap out of that little twerp's ship."
(Evil laugh as she takes off her Shiva mask to show...)
From -> Back Slash
Matt looked out the window of his escape pod. "Look," he said to
Tio, "they've turned around and are coming back!"
"Good," said Tio, "they can tell us how to pilot this damned thing.
Hell, if we were to get attacked right now, we wouldn't even be able to
dodge!!"
"Shiva, my love," Matt intoned at the other pod he stared at
lovingly. "Please come back to me..."
"Look, over there, at ten o'clock high," Falcon announced. Homey
wasn't sure what he meant, so Falcon had to point to the two escape pods
off in the distance. "What do you think those are? D00Ds? Cannon
Balls?"
"Does it matter?" Homey replied, maintaining course. "From the
looks of it, they're about to blow each other up anyway. It's not our
problem, and it will go away shortly."
"Fair enough," Falcon conjectured. "The weapons are now all
primed. What's our ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival) at CBHW (Cannon Ball
Home World)?"
"Well," said Homey, consulting his computer, "the story is about to
shift focus to someone else in a couple of lines. By the time we come
back into the story, we should be there."
"Amazing," exclaimed Falcon.
"So what you're telling me," Jim condescended, "is that, during the
couple of days where I didn't call, you managed to get us captured
again?"
"Don't take that tone with me," Arthur sniffed. "I'm the one who's
writing this. I'm the one who's trying to find lots of new words to use
instead of 'said'..."
"Allow me to interrupt this comradely banter," interjected John.
"Rather than discuss the problem, why don't we do something about it?"
"Fair enough," agreed Jim.
"I have a plan," injected Arthur. "Jim, did you bring your make-up
kit?"
"Of course," Jim confirmed.
"Well, then," Arthur circumlocuted, "it's time to turn the tables
onto the other foot..."
"We're not there yet," Falcon constructively criticized.
"I think these instruments need some calibration," Homey
apologized. "We may not arrive at our target until the next post."
"Shit," Falcon swore expletively.
Arthur, Jim, and John disembarked from the CBCBC and into the hands
of the CBC (Cannon Ball Column) waiting for them. "Deja vu," Jim
frenched.
"We have you, yet again," one of the Cannon Balls gloated. "And
now what are you going to do?"
"You fools!" Arthur and Jim chorused. "We're on your side!! We
had infiltrated the D00Ds to overthrow them!!!" Arthur and Jim pulled
off their masks to reveal the Cannon Ball visages beneath. John then
followed suit.
"Oh! So sorry," the Cannon Ball back-pedaled. "Well, then, go
about your business." The CBC parted, and allowed Jim, John, and Arthur
to go on their way freely throughout CBC (Cannon Ball City).
Underneath the Cannon Ball masks that they had worn under masks of
their faces, the D00Ds were sweating. They hoped that this wouldn't
take long. "We can get this over with quickly as long as we're not
interrupted," enthused Art.
Shiva was almost within range of the other escape pod. She put her
lovely and voluptuous right index finger upon the "FIRE" button, and
waited for the right moment. Since this author didn't feel like dealing
with the escape pod war, she had no way of knowing when that moment
would come.
"Damn," cursed Arthur. "It's only going to take longer if we keep
having these interludes."
"Well," John started, "I think --"
"Don't rush us!!" Falcon told the writers. "We're almost there!!"
"I hope to arrive during the next scene sometime," Homey confessed.
"DAMN!" quoth Art. "This will take forever! And this CBM (Cannon
Ball Mask) is getting awfully hot!!"
"I've been taking my mask off to air off my face while the story
was focused on other characters," Jim explained.
"Me, too," John spake. "Must we explain everything to you?"
They continued through the city. Their goal was simple. They knew
that all of the current Cannon Balls were clones of one original, which
was killed back in 161 AD. However, they wanted to find the actual
source of the Cannon Balls. What could have caused a person so thick
and twisted? And how could they stop the proliferation of CB's?
After much wandering, questioning, verbosalizing, and theorizing,
which actually took no time as far as Shiva was concerned (she still
wasn't within range of the twerp capsule), John, Arthur, and Jim learned
the location of the place on the planet where the only non-Cannon Balls
lived. The home of (drum roll, please) Cannon Ball's PARENTS.
"This ought to be interesting," John theorized. "What kind of scum
could have produced the Cannon Balls?"
"I don't see what this has to do with the story at all," Jim
complained. "But it makes an interesting sub-plot."
The D00Ds arrived at the door and knocked. Before it was answered,
they decided to take off the Cannon Ball masks. A yuppie couple that
looked a little like Clark Kent and Lois Lane opened the door. "Hi,"
blurted the Cannon Ball's father, thrusting out his hand, "I'm Brad
Majors!"
"What an asshole," the D00Ds thought.
"And this is my significant other, Janet Weiss," Brad continued.
"Slut," the D00Ds and Brad thought.
"Well, this explains a lot," drawled Art.
"We're still not there," Falcon announced, even though both he and
Homey were fully aware of this fact.
"I'll have to overhaul this computer," Homey whined, unaware that
the computer had been tampered with. This tampering was the source of
the problems with their computer, and was also the reason why Homey and
the Falcon were unaware that they were being followed.
After spending a good deal of time with Cannon Ball's parents
(which still didn't bring Shiva close enough to attack the other pod),
during which both of them made passes at all of the D00Ds, they (the
D00Ds) learned that only Brad and Janet were able to run the cloning
machine which supplied the Universe with Cannon Balls. They realized
that if they were to kill Brad and Janet and destroy the cloning
machine, then no new Cannon Balls could be created. Of course, that
would still leave the D00Ds outnumbered by Cannon Balls by about
seventeen million gazillion to one, but it would be a start.
Of course, the D00Ds were unarmed, and Brad and Janet had several
identical and well-armed bodyguards.
"This isn't going to be easy," whispered Jim.
"Not at all," emoted John.
"And I'm getting too tired to write any more," commiserated Arthur.
From -> Falcon
"Are we there yet, are we there yet?" screamed Falcon as he tried
to fuck with Homey's mind.
"Aaaarrggghhh," replied Homey.
Thought Falcon, "I better be careful around Homey. He has no idea
how much time it takes to get to a planet, and I could have sworn that
twelve posts ago I hit the eject button and sent him to a planet where
he was surrounded by tanks and spoke with Captain Randal Flagg. But
mine is not to question. NOT!!"
Shiva's evil grin widened as she closed in on the other pod.
"Aren't they going to slow down?" exclaimed MattBeam.
"Shit, I hope so!" chorused Tio and Pat.
From -> Back Slash
Falcon was almost certain that he had ejected Homey, and was
confused to hear Homey talking to him. Finally, curiosity got the
better of him, and he turned around to ask Homey how the fuck he had
gotten back into the space jet. Falcon was shocked to see a tape
recorder in Homey's seat. Obviously, Homey had rigged up a tape
recorder to play mind games with Falcon in the last seconds before Homey
was ejected. "Shit," Falcon thought, "if he had time to rig up a tape
recorder, why didn't he just take hold of something so he wasn't
ejected?" Falcon thought some more. "Ahh! I see now! The reason we
haven't gotten anywhere yet is that there's no one flying this thing!!"
Falcon climbed into the pilot's chair and set a course for the CBR
(Cannon Ball Reservation). "You know," Falcon thought for the third
time, "this is an awfully weak plot twist. If the writers had only paid
more attention to continuity, this wouldn't have been necessary."
Homey turned to Randal Flagg, as the US Space Marines sped through
space, following the Homey space jet. "So, I'm here with you, and not
in the jet with Falcon, right?" Homey asked.
"Don't hammer the point into the ground," Flagg replied.
"I wonder if the Falcon has noticed the tape recorder yet," Homey
pondered.
"Have we been forgotten?" the other characters asked themselves.
From -> Falcon
"Yes, you have!" Don screamed. "Wait, why am I getting involved?"
he pondered.
Weak as it was, the twist proved effective. Falcon still hadn't
arrived at the CBR, and unbeknownst to him, someone was following him.
"Um, do you mind if we come in and rest for a minute? We've
traveled a long way and could use your facilities," John asked
nervously.
"Why, sure," Brad replied. "Come inside."
From -> Pit Viper
Now that Tim, Kevin, Liam, Shiva, and Aaron are slamming to
Revolting Cocks, Kevin gets too carried away and hits a button. Just a
button with no special features except that it turned off the engines
with no way of turning them back on again. They sat, floating, in space
but soon enough began moving again, faster, faster, faster. The G-
forces were pulling everyone into the far end of the ship.
"What's happening?" shouted Kevin.
"LOOK!" yelled Shiva.
There in front of them was a hole that sucked them in. Everything
ended. No more movement, nothing. Then, there was a beep. Aaron looked
at the controls to find that there was a planet nearby.
"I know how to land," said Liam. Liam landed in a pile of garbage
(leftover TV dinners, to be exact). They all exited the ship to find
themselves surrounded by women (Jessica Tandy look-alikes, to be exact).
"AARRGGHH!" Tim shouted. "I HATE 'DRIVING MISS DAISY'!!"
"Come with us," one of them said raspingly.
Liam, being the smooth guy that he is, tried to calm them down by
saying "hey, baby" to all of them. One of them gassed the D00Ds and
knocked them out.
From -> Zork Pendragon
It wasn't Zork who hit the button, but was Shiva; what she thought
was the "FIRE" button was actually the ship shut-off engine button.
"That was very clever, Kevin," Tim said.
"Aw, you're just saying that cuz I made you..."
"Well, that's true enough..."
"Hey, they just sort of ... disappeared," Jay remarked.
"Maybe they fell into a black hole," Pat reasoned.
"Pity we still don't know how to fly this ship," Matt added.
Tio was silent, he couldn't think up a synonym for "said" yet...
"I wonder if you might help us, you see our spaceship broke down a
few miles up the road, do you have a phone we might use?" John asked.
"Look between Janet's legs!" Arthur and Jim screamed on instinct.
"I think perhaps you'd better both... come inside," Brad answered.
Brad and Janet led John, Arthur, and Jim inside. The house was very
noisy.
"Are you having a party?" John asked.
"You've arrived on a rather special night, it's one of the master's
affairs."
"Lucky him."
[Et cetera, et cetera, fast-forward past the "Time Warp", and
"Sweet Transvestite" to the elevator scene...]
As John, Jim, Arthur, Brad, Janet, and Dr. Phranc-N-Furniture (The
Sweet Transvestite from Cannon Ball World) went up the elevator, and
came out into a laboratory. Dr. Phranc-N-Furniture showed them a
machine.
"He does this every night," Brad muttered.
Dr. P-N-F flipped some switches; poured some Trix cereal into a
bowl, flipped some more switches, and added milk.
"Is it soup yet?" Jim and Arthur yelled.
Out of the bowl came an endless number of Cannon Balls.
"So that's how they make them!" Arthur exclaimed.
Kristen, Kevin, Tim, Liam and Aaron awoke. "Where are we?" they
wondered.
"Something about Jessica Tandy clones," Liam remembered.
"They captured us," Aaron explained. "I'm not quite sure what
they're going to do with us, and there's no room left in this post."
From -> Cannon Ball
Falcon landed on Cannon Ball's planet, and five minutes later the
military that were following him also landed. Without warning, they
begin to carpet-bomb the cities (and city-bomb the carpets), shoot
unarmed civilians, and basically do all of the damage that they could
possibly think to do. "We have to do all of this," Falcon said,
"because we're the all-American good guys!!!"
Dr. Frank-N-Furniture was distracted by the explosions, as were
Brad, Janet, and all of the peace-loving Cannon Balls. Jim, Art, and
John were used to the death and destruction, however. Jim grabbed a
pick and began to hack CB's. Art pulled a motorcycle out of the freezer
and began to run over CB's. John took a laser away from the butler and
zapped CB's with it (except for the one in gold underwear who seemed to
be immune). Soon the cloning apparatus was destroyed and all of the
non-D00Ds in the room (except for the one in gold) were dead. The CB in
gold, whose name was Rocky Balls, managed to escape and warn the CBCDF
(Cannon Ball Civilian Defense Forces) that it was time to fight back.
"They've been trying to kill us ever since we tried to clean up the oil
slick in the Persian Gulf," stammered Rocky Balls, "and now we have no
cloning machine! If they hunt us all down, which they seem to want to
do, there won't be any of us left!" The Cannon Balls began to rally,
even though they had been hit by underhanded surprise and foul play.
They still vastly outnumbered the D00Ds and US military, both of whom
were used to picking on vastly weaker opponents. "This," several of the
Cannon Balls announced, "is the mother-in-law of all wars!!" The
remaining Cannon Balls groaned.
Don screamed as several characters paused to wonder what the hell
his problem was.
From -> Back Slash
"Are we enjoying this?" Falcon asked.
"Oh, yes," Flagg replied. "We're imperialist aggressors who LIVE
for killing unarmed and innocent people. It's what we're trained for."
Homey, who was unable to adequately employ sarcasm, said nothing.
"These CB's seem to have a martyr complex," Arthur theorized.
"I think we can do something about that," John replied. "Let's
crucify the next thousand or so."
From -> Falcon
"The main thing is that we have air superiority," Falcon stated.
He then added, "and besides, they aren't innocent civilians we are
swathing through, they are CANNON BALLS!!!"
"Well, what the FUCK are we supposed to do now?!" screamed Shiva as
she awoke. Her companions (who is she with, anyway?) stayed silent.
"I wonder where my true love went?" questioned Moonbeam. He still
could not understand why her ship was, for so many posts, bearing down
on his in a sinister fashion. "We must save my bumblebee!" he shouted.
"Bumblebee?!?" chortled Madmouser and Avatar.
"Hey, what's that over the horizon?" questioned John.
"Oh, shit. It may be some kind of CBD (Cannon Ball Defense),"
postulated Art.
[Meanwhile, back in Shiva's hole... err... I mean the Black Hole
where Shiva is right now... ahem, cough...]
From -> Homey The Clown
After watching CBC (Cannon Ball Clones) become CBC (Cannon Ball
Corpses) for about 20 minutes, Homey decided to join in. He ran for his
space jet, jumped in, turned on the MBD (MoonBeam Detector), and decided
to fly after Matt.
[A couple of seconds later...]
"What will you give me if I rescue Shiva?" asked Homey.
"I'll give you a million dollars," he replied.
"You ain't got 10 dollars," Homey told Moonbeam, "so make a real
offer, Iron Brain."
"I'll let you sleep with her."
"OK."
Homey kicked in warp speed and flew around for about 10 minutes.
In that time, he visited 200 female inhabited planets.
From -> Tio Sancho
"STOP! STOP! Hold it! What the HELL is going on here?" shouted
Tio. "I've been reading this Storyishmaroo since it began! What are we
DOING?! And why are we doing it?"
All action ceased. Homey stopped searching for Matt. The
Dragnetters stopped blasting CB's. They all stopped and looked at Tio
with an equally dumbfounded expression, mostly because they found his
outburst to be dumb.
"Who cares?" said (explained, exemplified, stated, spoke, uttered
aloud; I can think of synonyms for 'say', Zork) (heh, no hard feelings)
Zork. This pretty much summed up the feelings of the rest of the
people.
Tio's expression resolved from one of utter exasperation to one of
quickening comprehension. "Oh, okay," he stated matter-of-factly.
So the D00Ds continued what they had been doing, blasting CBCs,
frying CBCs, killing CBCs, massacring CBCs, and they kept on going and
going and going and going when the Energizer rabbit came by and banged
his drum right THROUGH the heat of the fierce battle, and an ethereal
voice said loudly "ENERGIZER KEEPS GOING AND GOING AND GOING AND
GOING..." Homey, seeing the rabbit, blasted it to bits and this brief
spat of discontinuity ended.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Kevin, Tim, Liam, Aaron, and Kristen were being questioned by the
Jessica Tandy clones. "Where are the others?"
"Well, it's kinda complex," Kevin began, "you see, this is the
interior of a black hole, so it's kind of a negative reality type of
thing... so the others are on the other side... hold on a sec, untie me
and I'll draw you a map." The Academy Award-winning clones thought, and
then complied. Kevin began drawing in the dirt with the tip of a
borrowed gun. "This is the black hole," he drew. "This is us," he drew
an 'X'. "This is several Jessica Tandy clones dying a horrible death,"
he drew fire on his captors, killing them all. Then he untied the
others.
Suddenly, Homey landed rather unceremoniously on the planet. He
exited his ship, his pants rather stained, and looked a bit guilty. The
blonde blow-up doll in the other seat of his plane was deflated and
looked as if it had been severely beaten. "I been naughty," he grinned.
"Gee, thanks for the rescue," Tim grumbled.
The four elitists and one female piled into Homey's ship, first
throwing the blow-up doll out of the ship, then considering doing the
same to Homey.
"He'll just write himself back in," Kristen told them.
Homey was happy and pleased, although his mood was lessened a bit
when Liam started working the stereo controls. They took off and headed
back to their previous dimension, where Jay, Tio, Pat, and Matt were
trying to figure out how to fly their ship.
A thought occurred to Tim (continuity god that he is), "Hey
Kristen, didn't you go psycho a few posts back and try to kill everyone?
What's your explanation for that?"
Kristen blushed, "P.M.S."
The Homey ship landed on the Tio-Jay-Pat-Matt ship. The four
elitist D00Ds, one D00Dette, and one pathetic wannabe went down to the
others.
"Hey, they're back!" Pat noticed.
"My love! My love!" Matt wailed.
Kristen stuck her finger down her throat.
"Does this mean I get to sleep with Kristen now?" Homey asked. He
then engaged Tio and Matt in a lengthy discussion of genitalia size.
"Where have you guys been?" Jay asked.
"It is a tale long in telling..." Kristen said.
"Well, we could use a recap about now," Pat retorted.
"Once upon a time," Tim began.
"Call me Ishmael," Liam added.
"Whanne In Aprille," Kevin intoned.
"There was me, that is Aaron, and my three droogs, that is Kevin,
Liam and Tim," Aaron interrupted.
"Forget it!" Pat and Jay yelled simultaneously.
"Since Arthur isn't here, I'll do it," Kristen grumbled, as she
pulled down a large movie projector screen and names flashed onto it.
Sarge - On the Cannon Ball world...
Slash - See SARGE
GWIII - See SARGE
Randal Flagg - Blowing up stuff...
Falcon - See RANDALL FLAGG
Cannon Balls - Stopped multiplying, now being systematically destroyed.
The entire Rocky Horror cast - DEAD (except Rocky Balls)
Rocky Balls - presumably leading the Cannon Balls
Shiva - giving a recap of events
Madmouser - listening to said recap
The Avatar - see MADMOUSER
Zork Pendragon - see MADMOUSER
Pit Viper - see MADMOUSER
Lime Jello - see MADMOUSER
Kilroy - see MADMOUSER
Tio Sancho - see MADMOUSER
Moonbeam - see MADMOUSER
Homey the Clown - masturbating in a closet
"Well, that's about it," Shiva finished.
A closet door opened and Homey came out, zipping up his pants.
"So, what'd I miss?"
From -> Back Slash
John, Jim, and Arthur ignored the CBC (Cannon Ball Complaints).
However, before they could go back to massacring the Cannon Balls, they
had to come up with yet another CBTAT (Cannon-Ball-Type-Abbreviation-
Thing)...
"How about if we call ourselves the CBCC?" Jim asked. "You know,
the Cannon Ball Cleanup Crew?"
"No," said Art. "It should be more like CBGRS. Cannon Ball Gut
Removal Service."
"Why don't we just lead a CBC?" John asked. "A Cannon Ball Charge,
and we'll shoot when we see the whites of their balls?"
And so, once again, the three of them were captured by Cannon Balls
as they continued to argue about abbreviations. They were still arguing
when they were thrown, bound, into a CBC (Cannon Ball Cell).
Fifty thousand Cannon Balls, waving white flags that could have
been handkerchiefs or cum-stained underwear, tried to surrender to
Falcon, Homey, and Randal Flagg. Flagg gave his men the order to blow
them all away with tactical nuclear weapons. "After all," Flagg
explained. "It could have been a trick. At least, that's the excuse
that's going into my report."
"Since when do we need an excuse to blow Cannon Balls away?" Falcon
asked.
"I like the way you think," Flagg exclaimed. "Here, have another
medal."
"Less talk, more violence!" demanded Homey the Clown. And so,
after another three hours of mindless violence, every Cannon Ball
(except for Rocky Balls, who escaped in a rocket disguised as a castle)
on the planet was smeared across the countryside.
"There are still thousands of CBOP's (Cannon Ball-Occupied Planets)
scattered around out there," Flagg announced. "But with their capital
planet taken out, and their cloning shit gone, it's a whole different
ball game."
"Now we just hunt 'em down and smoke 'em," snarled Homey. Several
grizzled war veterans went into hysterics at the sight of Homey trying
to snarl.
"Too bad Rocky Balls got away," Falcon lamented.
"That'll help keep the plot going later," Flagg said. "Trust me."
At that moment; Kristen, Pat, Jay, Kevin, Liam, Tim, Matt, and two
Aarons walked out of the pod where they had been holding their
continuity briefing. "OK," Kristen announced, "we've finished
establishing where everyone is. Now, let's take this planet!"
"The planet's been taken," Falcon said.
"Damn," Tim swore. "Why do I miss all of the battles?"
"Wait a minute," one of the Aarons asked. "Where are the
syspoips?"
"Quick!" the other Aaron yelled, "back to the pod for another
briefing!"
"No need," Falcon explained. "Art, Jim, and John, as prisoners,
were taken away by Rocky Balls when he escaped. Everyone else of any
consequence is here right now."
"Did he mean to imply that I'm of no consequence?" Bush asked
Sununu back on Earth.
"No, sir, I don't think that they meant that," Sununu replied.
"Some of us here are of no consequence," Baker muttered, glancing
at Quayle.
"Anyone for a game of Go Fish?" Quayle asked.
From -> Falcon
"So, what's the game plan now?" Pat asked incredulously.
Falcon, who had been answering things in an incredibly intelligent
and commanding manner for the past few posts, now commanded "we find and
free the Syspoips!!"
"Oooh, Aaahh," the crowd gleamed.
"It's your fault!"
"No, it's your fault"
"No, dammit, it's yours!!"
The sysops kept arguing about who was at fault for their less than
glorious capture. They could not figure it out. At this time, it
seemed that no one was taking the role of the smart one. Oh, well...
"Let's split up!" Tio offered.
Several moans and groans filled the room.
From -> Zork Pendragon
"There is only one problem with us splitting up right now," Pat
reasoned.
"Which is?" Tio asked.
"We currently have only ONE objective to accomplish! Rescuing
John, Jim and Art. And since the three of them are captured,
technically, we already ARE split up. The story gods are pleased."
"Hey, I'm supposed to be talking in a bold, commanding manner!"
Falcon screamed in a bold, commanding manner.
"Well, I'm quite sorry, but I haven't had that many lines in the
past few posts!" Pat screamed back.
"I've had even less," Jay complained.
"Well, why don't you try adding to the story now and then, and give
yourself some lines?" Tim reprimanded.
"You're a fine one to talk," Kevin muttered.
"Everyone be quiet!" Homey yelled in a rather weak imitation of Pat
and Falcon's 'bold and commanding' voice. The D00Ds, as a group,
ignored him.
While all this fighting was going on, General Flagg was planning a
rescue squad to save the three heroes: Art, John, and Jim.
"Skinkleblop?" John asked, not sure of what else to say.
"If only someone would rescue us," Jim moaned.
"I've got an idea," Arthur brightened, "I tell 'em that if they
untie me, I'll draw them a map to lead them to the rest of the D00Ds
with their gun, and then..."
"Already been done in this story," John admonished.
"I hope the post isn't over yet," Jim said, "since I can't stand
story posts where the plot doesn't really advance at all."
From -> Tio Sancho
The floor of the spaceship was strewn with Crayola crayons, and the
D00Ds, Homey, and Tio were watching General Flagg explain his battle
plan. He had drawn an intricate map of the battlefield as the others
looked on, stupefied; which was not unusual because what the hell does a
battlefield have to do with outer space? As Pat voiced this thought,
which was racing through the minds of the other people (except for
Homey, he was admiring General Flagg's rather tight and cute little ass
(blecch)), Flagg answered, in a timid-but-commanding voice (you see, he
didn't want to sound like Falcon's bold-but-commanding voice or Homey's
weak imitation thereof, so he had settled for something between the
two), "I'm psyching myself up for the rescue mission."
"I thought it was a battle plan?" asked Pat, who desperately needed
some lines. "What happened to the battle plan?"
Answered Flagg, "I ran out of the black crayon and couldn't finish
drawing most of the battlefield, so now it's a rescue mission."
Getting bored, Homey decided to explore the small-but-spacious
spaceship. He walked out of the newly converted briefing room and into
an expanse of hissing, steaming pipes. A hellish glow flickered on and
off; and Homey, not to be daunted by a mere glow, continued on. Homey
tripped over something, got knocked out, and rolled under a pipe; where
he stayed gleefully unconscious for the next three posts.
"Okay," said Randal, "This is what we'll do..."
From -> Cannon Ball
"I have an idea," announced Rocky Balls. The other Cannon Balls
nodded their heads and waited. "Why don't we split up? It always works
for the D00Ds when they do it!!"
"We are split up, sir," one of the CBC (Cannon Ball Cronies)
reminded him, "since we're scattered across the universe."
"Ah well, it was an idea," gumped Rocky Balls.
"The clown is still unconscious," Flagg reported. "It would be a
shame if he woke up before anything happened.
"Hint, hint, hint!" Shiva whispered.
From -> Back Slash
Suddenly, the minor character named Tio, who occasionally regretted
giving up his steady job as wizard and chief villain, had a brilliant
idea. "I know what we can do," exclaimed Tio Sancho, "to eradicate the
Cannon Balls!"
"I'll bet this requires us to split up," Kevin muttered.
"I'll stay here with my tapes," Liam said, plugging headphones into
his anus and listening to the Ramones (who, oddly enough, sounded better
after going through Liam's anus... Liam's rectum must act as a sort of
acoustic echo chamber).
"As a matter of fact, it does," Tio said. "Some of you still have
to rescue the Petunias from Rocky Balls."
"Why can't they rescue themselves?" Kristen asked. "We've all
escaped from several nasty predicaments over the course of this story."
"If you caught me," Matt sighed, "I'd never try to escape."
"That is a weak point," an Aaron conceded. "Maybe it's just more
dramatic if we mount a rescue party."
"If Kristen is a rescue party, I'll mount her," Matt sighed.
Kristen's hand then moved faster than the eye could see and Matt's
unconscious body joined Homey's on the floor.
"Maybe," the other Aaron suggested, "they're planning to escape
just as we arrive, to make us look bad."
"I hate being comedy relief," Falcon grumbled.
"Well, then, let's hurry," Flagg said. "Sancho, take whoever you
need, and the rest of use will go after the sysops."
"I need the Falcon and the Avatar," Tio Sancho said. "And we'd
better hurry up and take off, because Homey wakes up after this post."
While everyone else exchanged handshakes, salutes, and well
wishing, Kristen threw the unconscious kids into the cargo hold of the
space jet. Tio, Jay, Don, and their unknown passengers then set out
into the blackness of space toward a goal that only this writer knows
about.
"Well then," Flagg said, "let's get on with it."
"We can't," Pat said, "because no one knows what we're going to do
yet."
"You'd think someone else could come up with plot advances every
now and then..."
From -> Zork Pendragon
In the hold of the plane piloted by Jay, Don, and Tio, two
somethings stirred. "Where am I?" Homey wondered, waking up.
"Where's Kristen?" Matt wondered.
The two of them arose, exited the hold, and moved towards the
cockpit.
"Steady as she goes," Falcon muttered, in his new, improved,
authoritative yet sensitive voice.
"Full speed ahead," Tio replied.
"Anchors away, ye scurvy dogs," Jay added, not quite getting the
hang of outer space yet.
"Hey, guys! Aren't you two lucky? We just woke up in the back of
this plane!" Homey shouted, walking in. Matt glumly followed behind.
"The others must have put them in this ship to help us in our
mission," Jay figured.
"Gee, thanks a lot, guys," Falcon said in his disgusted yet
repulsed voice.
"Lalalalalala... I wanna be SEDATED! BABY!" Liam shouted, singing
along to his tape.
"I don't mind the Ramones," Kristen remarked, "but does he have to
sing along with them as well?"
"Go-go Gadget Queen CD!" Pat yelled.
"Oh, bloody hell, we're not going to argue about music again, are
we?" Kevin yelled. "The last time we did this we were in Kuwait,
remember?"
"Yeah, only Don was with us then, too."
(From the Earth could be heard, "WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?!")
"Sorry, Don," Kevin, Tim, Aaron, Flagg, Kristen, Liam, and Pat
replied in near-unison.
As the seven of them rested some more, Kevin and Tim were exploring
some of the more obscure areas of the ship. The two of them came upon a
large, flashing red button. Kevin pushed it. A sign lit up, saying,
"Please do not press this button again."
"Kev, don't push it again, remember what happened last time? The
black hole, Jessica Tandy clones, having to be nice to Homey the
Clown..."
"I just wanna see what happens," Kevin replied, and pushed it.
On deck, the others wondered, "WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING TO THE
SHIP?!?" while Liam began to shout, "ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK AWAY
BEACH!!! Latter Tatter - Wooh wooh!"
From -> Shiva
"If he keeps singing to that tape, I'm gonna kill him," thought
Kristen aloud. As she was speaking, the ship began to violently shake
and rock back and forth. It did not look good for the space travelers.
"What the FUCK is going on?" yelled Flagg.
"I dunno, but get the rest of them on the deck! We're gonna get
out of here, and I think we're gonna need an escape pod," said Pat.
They all started incomprehensibly yelling to the rest of the group
over the intercom and Kevin finally realized that they were supposed to
come on deck. They all piled into the small area and were muttering
amongst themselves.
"Okay," said Flagg, trying to gain some control over the group in
an unusually authoritative voice. "Does anyone know how to run the
escape pod?"
The seven just looked at each other.
From -> Back Slash
"This might be a good time to ask," Falcon asked, "where exactly
are we going? I am, after all, piloting this thing."
Homey the Clown jumped into the copilot seat and exclaimed, "This
is MY ship. Transfer control to me and I will pilot us."
Falcon and Homey fought for a while, and Tio and Jay played cards
waiting for them to work out their differences. Finally, Falcon took
control of the ship and Homey stormed off, back to the hold. Matt sat
in a corner, looking at pictures of Kristen he took with a camera hidden
in the bathroom of Flagg's ship. "I'm ready now," Falcon announced.
"Good," said Tio. "We have to get back to Earth, in the year 161
AD. There, I can use my magic to defeat the Cannon Balls. I've got an
idea that will blow your socks off."
"Umm," Falcon hesitated. "I don't know how to activate, or even
find, the time circuits on this baby, since I've never seen them used."
"Ask Homey," Jay said.
"I don't think he'll help, at this point," Falcon conjectured.
"Well," Matt said, looking up from the photos he called 'The Shower
Series', "we could go back to present-day Earth and borrow the
government time machine which Flagg and his men had used to go back."
"Great idea," Tio said. "Bush still owes us a favor, I think."
"Why did you drag me along?" Jay asked. "You took this dude
because you needed a pilot. What's my part in this?"
"You are also a powerful magic user," Tio explained. "I will need
you present to work my magic."
"You mean that we're going to work together to focus our powers
into one and be even stronger?"
"No," Tio laughed. "Your magic comes from the powers of Good;
whereas mine, remember, come from the powers of Evil. They would cancel
each other out. I need you nearby doing card tricks and such to keep the
local powers of Good busy so that I can work my magic undisturbed."
"That's pretty silly," Jay exclaimed.
"Wait until you hear what spell I'm going to cast," Tio returned.
"We've apparently been forgotten," Arthur muttered, straining
against the chains holding him to the wall.
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Jim agreed, nodding moronically.
"Well," John conjectured, "maybe if we did something, the story
would focus back on us again."
The D00Ds paused in their discussion as Rocky Balls danced by yet
again, singing about his age, appearance, and libido.
"Time to make escape plans," Jim announced.
"Why didn't we think of this sooner?" Arthur asked.
"I have a plan," John said. "It may not work, but at least it has
the distinction of being the dumbest plan yet conceived in this story."
Homey's space jet pulled into parking orbit around the Earth (circa
1991), and Falcon attempted to reach George Bush over the secure and
scrambled communications system. Tio Sancho and the Avatar had secure
and scrambled eggs while waiting, and Homey and Moonbeam argued about
Shiva's anatomy in the hold.
"Do you have success to report?" Sununu asked, answering the
transmission.
"Well, we've certainly had a lot of fun," Falcon replied. "The
story is starting to wind down, and we have a plan to get rid of the
Cannon Balls."
"Why did you come back to tell us this?"
"We need to use your time travel equipment to get back to 161 AD."
"You'll need Presidential authorization for that," Sununu said,
putting Bush on the line.
"Well," Bush said, "can you tell me what your plan is?"
"Not really," Falcon replied. "Tio's not telling anyone, so as to
maintain suspense."
"I can't really send you back, then," Bush replied. "Wouldn't be
prudent, not at this juncture." Bush made several superfluous hand
motions; but since this was a voice-only communication, they had even
less effect than they usually do.
"I've got a plan," Jay the Avatar whispered.
"What's in it for me?" Dan Quayle asked, pouting.
"If you sign this," Jay said, holding up the time-travel
authorization forms (in quadruplicate, 407-pages long, require time
travel just to complete), "we'll give you some friends!"
Falcon and Tio dragged in the bound and gagged Homey and Moonbeam.
"The clown is back!" Quayle screamed rapturously. "But,
unfortunately, I don't know how to sign my name."
"Oh, bloody hell!" Jay yelled, and forged 'Danny-boy Quayle' across
the forms. "Here," Jay said to Quayle, "you can keep these two kids
anyway."
Jay, Tio, and the Falcon climbed back into the jet and headed for
the secret government time-travel installation hidden in a cavern in
Purgatory Chasm. "And now, we're heading home!" Jay and Tio chorused.
Flagg looked at the D00Ds assembled on the deck. Kristen, Pat,
Kevin, Aaron, Liam, and Tim stood in perfect formation. "I called you
here," Flagg said, "to announce a couple of things."
"Tell us," the D00Ds chanted, "tell us both of them!"
"We have to abandon ship," Flagg said, "and we have only one escape
pod. A four-seater, I'm afraid. So we have to decide who goes, and..."
Flagg sustained several broken ribs and other injuries as the D00Ds
stampeded over him in a mad dash for the last escape pod.
Tio's trio materialized in 161 AD Britannia just outside of Tio's
castle. Or, to be precise, just outside what was left of Tio's castle.
It appeared that Tio's mutant creatures had run amok while he was gone.
They hired some particularly stupid ancient astronauts to rebuild
the castle, and then meandered into the summoning room. "Look," Tio
said. "My pentacle! It's as good as new!"
"So, can you tell us what we're going to do yet?" Jay asked.
"I don't understand how this magic stuff works at all," Falcon
said.
"Let me explain," Tio began.
"Can you still do that thing," John asked Arthur, "where you stand
completely still and unmoving for extended periods of time?"
"You mean, my mannequin-depressed fits?" Arthur asked. Jim tried
to hit him, but the chain wasn't long enough.
"Teach us how to do it," John commanded.
"It's simple, Arthur said. "For starters, the first thing you must
do is nothing. After that, you continue to do nothing. Quite simple,
actually."
"Let's try..."
Tio pulled something out of his pocket, and unwrapped the tissues
it was held in. It appeared to be a finger. "This is what I will use,"
Tio Sancho announced. "The finger of a Cannon Ball."
"And what will you do with it?" Falcon asked.
"Have you ever heard stories," Tio began, "of how all creatures
have a secret name which allows complete control over them? If you know
the secret name of a demon, for example, you could do anything you
wished to it."
"I knew that," Jay said. "But I've never been able to figure out
what that means, or how you find out someone's secret name."
"It's very simple," Tio said. "The secret name which every
creature has is encoded in the DNA and is unique for every individual.
Thus, if you have a sample of the victim's DNA, you can control them.
This is the basis for voodoo, where fingernails and hair are used to do
the most painful and disgusting things to the magical targets."
"What has that to do with anything?"
"I have here a sample of Cannon Ball's DNA," Tio said, holding up
the finger. "And, since they're all clones, they all have the same DNA.
Therefore, any spell I cast using this finger will affect ALL of them."
"That's pretty impressive," Jay said. "I'll have to remember that
for future reference.
"What are you going to do to him?" Falcon asked.
Indicating the shiny, new pentacle on the floor, Tio announced,
"I'm going to summon him, all of him, here. And I'll summon him, er,
them, from 1991 to avoid any paradoxes."
"But if all gazillion Cannon Balls appear in that little pentacle,
they'll all be crushed and die," Jay said, then realization crept across
his face. "That's a pretty dirty trick," Jay continued, laughing.
"Shall we begin?" Tio asked. Jay began casting simple spells over
in the corner, to focus the powers of Good away from Tio. Tio, using
the powers of Evil, cast the summoning spell and placed the finger in
the pentacle. Suddenly, a Cannon Ball appeared... then another... then
another...
"It sounds like microwave popcorn," Falcon said as the Cannon Balls
continued to arrive, faster and faster.
"Elbow room, elbow room, gotta gotta gotta get some elbow room,"
the Cannon Balls sang as they began to get more and more crowded. Soon,
the Cannon Balls started to get compressed, and to appear in space
already inhabited by other Cannon Balls. After ten minutes, there was a
solid cylinder of Cannon Ball protoplasm in the pentacle, with more and
more Cannon Balls appearing within at astonishing rates.
"I wish we had a camcorder to record this," Falcon said, giggling.
Rocky Balls returned to bring food to Art, Jim, and John, and
discovered all three of them standing completely unmoving. "Excellent!"
Rocky sang. (He can't talk, he can only sing.) "They've turned into
statues! Now we can have... the floor show!!" Rocky started to apply
make-up to the D00Ds and change their clothing; but thanks to Arthur's
incredible immovable idiocy, none of the sysops moved or betrayed
consciousness during the process.
"Uh-oh," Tio muttered.
"What's happening?" Jay asked, concerned.
"Since we have so much mass being concentrated into such a small
area," Falcon explained, pointing at the CBC (Cannon Ball Cylinder) that
was continuing to receive Cannon Balls at a rate of about a million a
minute, "and since Cannon Ball is so dense to begin with, it looks as
though all of this matter is about to collapse in on itself and form a
black hole."
"This would be bad," Jay and Tio chorused.
In 1991, across the Universe, Cannon Balls were disappearing at an
alarming (well, alarming only to other Cannon Balls) rate... On Earth,
many people who were really Cannon Balls in disguise (Donald Trump, Ron
Kovic, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and most high school principals) were
disappearing, often in front of witnesses, causing much speculation and
mass-hysteria. Oddly enough, the National Inquirer knew exactly what
was happening and printed the story in an extra edition; but no one, not
even the Inquirer's regular readers, believed it. In the White House,
Bush turned to Sununu to ask for advice and was shocked to see Sununu
disappear as well...
Rocky set up the D00Ds on the stage. Since he was a genetically
altered version of Cannon Ball, he was immune to Tio's spell.
From -> Zork Pendragon
(Floor Show lyrics by Back Slash and Zork Pendragon)
Flagg was unconscious on the floor. Kevin dived for one of the
seats, but was tackled by Liam.
"Women and children first!" Kristen hollered, as she ran for the
door.
"I'm sure 'Ms. Manners' can't disapprove if we don't tell her that
we didn't let you in first," Aaron grinned, karate-chopping Kristen on
the back of the neck.
"If Matt were here, he'd probably want Kristen to sit on his lap,"
Pat observed, "or his face."
Then Liam reached into his anus and pulled out one of the Jessica
Tandy clones' guns. "All right, um, I'm taking this here escape pod.
Tim and Aaron, you guys can come. Kev, do you got your Morrissey tape
on you?"
"No, you threw it out about 15 posts ago."
"Good. Then you can come, too."
"What about us?" Pat asked.
"Only four seats," Tim reiterated.
"Don't worry, though," Kevin added. "This is a Dragnet story. Do
either of you honestly think you're going to die in this?"
The four elitists flew away. Tim, being the mechanical god that he
is, figured out how to fly the escape pod within 30 seconds of entering
it.
"Any ideas, Pat?" Kristen asked.
"Um, well, how about this," Pat went to the far corner of the room,
and screamed, "Go-go Gadget Rocket Jet!" Then he told Shiva to get some
oxygen tanks so they wouldn't die of asphyxiation. Pat and Shiva looked
at Flagg's plans and decided to find John, Jim, and Arthur.
The ship exploded. General Flagg died. His ghost, of course, went
to where all Dragnet story ghosts go, Tio's pentagram.
Pat and Kristen landed on Rocky Ball's ship, and snuck into the
audience chamber, and were surprised to see Arthur, Rocky, John, and Jim
all standing perfectly still on the stage wearing stage make-up and
women's lingerie. Right before Pat was going to get a closer look,
Arthur suddenly came to life and began singing:
It was great when it all began
I was a continuing story fan
But it was over when they hatched the plan
To go annihilate the Cannon Ball Clan.
Now the only thing that I can do
Is make sure they don't make a Part Two.
Green tint my screen
Keep me safe from Storyishmaroo...
Arthur returned to his original pose, motionless. Rocky Balls then
followed suit, dancing and singing:
I'm just seventeen posts old
Truly gruesomely to behold
But somebody should be told
Continuity hasn't been controlled.
Now the only thing I trust the most
Is the pieces that I, myself, post.
Green tint my screen
Keep me safe from Storyishmaroo...
Rocky froze and John awoke:
It's beyond me
Help me, Kristy
I'll log on, you'll see,
Take this board away...
What's this? Let's see,
Oh, I feel nerdy!
What's come over me?
WOO! Here it comes again!
Jim, who looked silliest of all, finished with:
Oh, I feel real cheap
I blew up Pat's Jeep
Arthur's intelligence has decreased
My intelligent phase is here!
Smart Art has been disbanded
My role has been expanded
So what if I'm dressed a little candid?
I'll have another beer!
Before they could start another song, Pat and Kristen took the
initiative. They stood up and started walking towards the stage. Pat
shouted, "Rocky Baller, it's all over! Your subplot is a failure, the
contrivances too extreme! I am now the writer; you are just a
character! We return to a real storyline, prepare my modem, please!"
Rocky yelled, "Wait!" He grabbed Arthur by the neck, yelling,
"I'll kill him! Don't fuck with Rocky Balls!"
"Can I just say three things?" Pat asked.
"Go ahead," Rocky laughed evilly.
"Electric Monk, Electric Monk, Electric Monk."
"Shit! Take cover!" John yelled, as he and Jim jumped behind the
stage.
Arthur, meanwhile, grabbed Rocky Balls and strangled the fuck out
of him. Rocky perished. Then Art made some incomprehensible "GROWLF?"
noises and turned to face Pat and Kristen.
"Oh shit!" Tio screamed. "Ten more Cannon Balls and we all die!"
An idea occurred to Jay. He stopped his card tricks and began to
cast the same spell that Tio had.
From -> Pit Viper
As Tim, Kevin, Liam, and Aaron were flying around the cosmos, one
thought entered their minds: "Where are we going now?" Tim flew them
around, more or less in circles, and soon found something.
Liam then pulled out the Jessica Tandy clone gun again, and pointed
it at the crew. "I'm taking over!" shouted Liam.
"Mutiny!" cried Tim.
"SHUT UP!" Liam shouted, even louder, as he pulled the trigger of
the device. Tim was then frozen, and all of his hair fell out of his
head. Tim awoke, looked in his mirror, and yelled, "I'm a skinhead!"
Before long, none of them were wearing shoes anymore.
Tim grasped a tank of air, a suit, and a helmet. He put them on
and jumped out of the cargo chute.
"Dammit," said Kevin, "those were new sneaker-boots!"
The crew could see Tim's laughing face as he floated backwards in
space with three pairs of stolen shoes.
From -> Back Slash
"What the hell are you doing?" Tio asked.
"By casting the same spell as you, only with the powers of Good
instead of the powers of Evil," Jay explained, "I'm going to cross the
streams and reverse the particle flow."
"Oh, wow!" Tio exclaimed. "Total protonic reversal!!"
"I've heard this somewhere before," Falcon muttered. "So, this
means that the black hole will go away?"
"Yes!" Tio explained. "The contents of the pentacle will be
flushed back into 1991, saving us and the Earth!"
"And there's definitely a slim chance of us surviving!" Jay yelled.
"Yes, but where in 1991 will the black hole go?" asked Falcon.
"Hard to say, due to Merlin's Cross-Dimensional Uncertainty
Principle," Jay began.
"You see," Tio continued, "the mass making up the black hole was
gathered from different points throughout the universe. But now, the
black hole, as a single unit, is being sent back."
"It will materialize at the exact location where one of the Cannon
Balls was," Jay concluded. "But we have no way of knowing where that
will be."
"So, theoretically, it could materialize on 1991 Earth," Falcon
supposed.
"Yes, but there's only a slim chance of that," Jay explained,
"since only a slight fraction of the Cannon Balls were on the Earth."
"We'd better get on with it," Tio said.
As soon as Jay began to cast the spell with Tio, the black hole
began to waver and shift color. Finally, in a flash of indescribable
colors and sounds, the black hole vanished.
"We've destroyed all of the Cannon Balls and saved the Earth," Tio
said.
"It's Miller Time," Jay insisted.
"But the Earth could still be destroyed, in 1991," Falcon
exclaimed, "which is just as bad."
"Not really," said Jay, "because we're not there."
"Although we will have to go back to get beer," Tio pointed out.
"I wonder where the black hole went..."
Liam screamed out the porthole at Tim, who naturally couldn't hear
him. (No real point in telling you what he said, then, is there?) Liam
then sat down, and suddenly felt the most unusual and funky cramps
within his rectum. He flexed his buttocks, and his chair and pants were
immediately sucked into his anus. "Oh, boy!" he exclaimed. "Look! My
anus is in reverse!" He flexed his buttocks again and papers, socks,
equipment, chairs, and a pen with a woman on it who turns naked when you
dip it in coffee were all sucked into his anus.
"Brilliant move, asshole!" Aar shouted. "You just sucked in the
control circuitry! Now we're stranded here!!"
"He doesn't care," Kevin replied, "he's got a new toy to play
with."
"A have a black hole in my butt," Liam sang, dancing about the
cramped escape pod. Then he stopped, and a tear formed in his right
eye. "All of my elite tapes were in there," he moaned. "I'll never
hear them again."
It was difficult turning off the Electric Monk. The Monk hadn't
been allowed to surface for some time, and really wanted to kill
everyone in sight. Jim, John, Pat, and Kristen all had to chant "Arthur
Arthur Arthur" for five minutes before Arthur returned to normality (or,
at least, to his usual brand of abnormality). Arthur walked over to
Rocky Balls and looked closely at his face. "He's wearing a mask!"
Arthur exclaimed. Arthur pulled off the mask and found that Rocky Balls
was, in fact --- Saddam Hussein.
"We did it," Jim said. "We finally killed him, a hundred pages
later."
"Well, I guess now we're out of here," John announced.
Piloted by Jim and Pat, Rocky Balls' ship was set on a course back
to Earth. About halfway back, they encountered an escape pod, floating
dead in space. "Who are you?" Jim asked over the sub-ether radio.
"We're your rescue party," Kevin replied sarcastically. "Do you
still need help?"
"No," Jim replied, "we're fine."
"Good," Kevin exclaimed, "then GET US THE FUCK OUT OF THIS POD WITH
LIAM AND HIS AMAZING ABSORBENT ANUS!!!!!!!!!!"
Kevin, Liam, and Aaron were picked up and the crew continued
towards Earth.
From -> Zork Pendragon
Flying through space, Tim and the shoes decided to return to Earth.
When he arrived there, he landed in Washington DC and saw Quayle taking
Homey and Matt for a walk. Tim subsequently stole all of their shoes.
Jay, Tio, and Falcon opened the magical portal that would transport
them back to 1991 Earth.
"You go first," Jay nudged Tio.
"But," Tio protested.
"Look, it's like this," Falcon told him. "You're not a D00D, and
we are. Therefore, if one of us should die on the other side to see if
it's a black hole or not, it should be you."
"But it was MY IDEA in the first place!" Tio screamed.
"That's why you should have the privilege of going," Jay replied,
and then dropped to his hands and knees. "Look, a 1906 Indian head
penny!" Jay shouted.
"Hey Tio, look over there! A negative reality inversion!" Falcon
cried out, pointing. Tio looked, and consequently fell for one of the
oldest tricks in the book. "Whoops," Falcon grinned.
"Aieee!" hollered Tio.
"Foop!" suggested the portal, as Tio fell over Jay and into the
portal.
A few minutes later, they heard a voice saying, "It's safe."
Falcon, Tio, and Jay reappeared in front of Quayle, Matt, and
Homey; who were crying over their lost footwear. A landing Rocky Balls
Flying Castle, piloted by Jim and Pat, soon distracted them. "Well,
that about wraps this story up," Kristen sighed.
"It was all rather silly and pointless, wasn't it?" Kevin added.
"Wait a sec, what about the now insane Tim?!" Aaron suddenly
remembered.
"Oh, shit, we had to forget a subplot!" John muttered.
"Well, we'd better get moving. This story ain't over YET," Arthur
groaned.
"Can I come, too?" Quayle asked.
From -> Back Slash and GWIII
Tim, who currently had the world's worst kleptomaniac shoe-fetish,
was heading towards Hawaii, current home of Imelda Marcos and one of the
largest privately held shoe collections in the world. So many things
were wrong in his life, only shoes made him happy. But then, he
remembered his family, and had to get more shoes -- the more shoes, the
better. Only in shoes was there truth. To Hawaii, then, and ... SHOES.
"I don't really think we need to worry about Tim," Arthur said.
"It's just a phase he's going through."
"What we need right now," Jim said, prophetically, "is food."
"I know this great place we could go to," John said. "The best
food I've ever tasted; and cheap, too. Who's with me?"
"Sounds great," Pat said.
"I'm for it," Kevin agreed.
And so, the D00Ds all agreed to go to John's favorite restaurant.
And then, only after they had all piled into cars and hit the road, John
told them that the restaurant was in California. "Just think," John
said to the group of D00Ds about to become a lynch mob, "of how hungry
we'll be when we get there... of how much the anticipation will make the
almost perfect food even better."
With much complaining and other assorted hoo-hah, the D00Ds set
out...
Almost a week later, the D00Ds arrived at Chez Grub. It took them
another full day to find parking spaces.
"Dammit," Arthur said, "I knew I should have gotten fucking
handicapped plates for my car."
"You're not handicapped," Jay the Straight Man said.
"I know," Arthur returned, "but my car is."
After standing in line for five hours, a particularly snotty
hostess asked them if they wanted to sit in the Elite section, or the
Non-Elite section.
"Elite, of course," Liam said, leading the group to a large table
in the corner of the room. Quayle bribed the hostess to allow himself
and his two pets (Homey and Moonbeam) by.
"Go-go Gadget Eliteness," Pat called out, and then strolled past
the evaluating glare of the busboys.
"Hold on a minute," the hostess said, stopping Jim and Arthur.
"You two don't look very Elite to me."
"We're Pica," Arthur announced.
"That's just like Elite," Jim explained, "only bigger."
They took their seats, not noticing that everyone else in the
restaurant lacked shoes. In fact, under their table was Tim, who
stopped for shoes in California on his way to Hawaii. The D00Ds were
waiting for menus and Tim was removing their shoes when in walked ...
DON "SHADOWSTORM" MESSIER!!!
"I've tried everything!" Don screamed. "I tried to write myself
out, I took on a new identity out here in California as a Jewish
Chippendales dancer, and I even tried to poke out the eyes of a writer
on another writer's speakers! Well, that does it! I'm going to kill
you all so that there's NO MORE STORY!!"
"You tried to poke someone's eyes out?" Pat exclaimed.
"That's not right!" Jay exclaimed back.
Don pulled out a loaded and fully automatic Uzi. He had borrowed
it from a friend of his who was also in the witness protection program,
one Big Johnny the Wild Child from Sicily. "I mean business! I will
not be in this fucking story any longer!" Don opened fire, and blew
away Quayle and his pets.
"I thought," Pat whispered to Kevin, "that no one died in these
stories."
"Maybe," Kevin said, and then paused to dodge Aaron's falling body,
"I was wrong. Are there any loopholes?"
Jay ducked faster than the sysops, and so was only grazed by the
barrage that took out Arthur, Jim, and John. "Of course," he said
smugly, "we'll just all end up in Tio's pentacle."
"Not really," said Tio, in what was destined to be his last
sentence, "I left the bloody thing set in reverse when we lef---"
Pat was shot when he was halfway through saying "Go-go Gadget
Bullet Proof!" Liam turned around, in the hopes that he could suck the
bullets into his anus, but was shot before he could get his posterior
into position. Before one minute had completely elapsed, everyone
around and under the table was permanently and irrevocably dead.
"Say," George Bush said, walking in the back door to avoid the
snotty help at the front door, "since you people did such a good job on
Hussein, I wonder if I could give you another assignment?" Don blew him
and his secret service agents away.
Don then looked around the room. He blew away anyone who looked
like a threat, or just looked too ugly. He looked at the D00Ds' bodies
and laughed. And then, the horrible realization hit.
Now that all of the other main characters were dead, the entire
focus of the story was on him. He walked across the room, and the
readers followed him. Every word he said (he was currently repeating
"Hello? Hello?") was recorded and made part of the story. Don pointed
the Uzi between his eyes, and ended the story in the only way he knew
how. The bodies stank a bit, and were taken away. Reader interest
declined, and the story ended.