Share the load!

Like this:

Being one of the many unlucky masses in Johannesburg that has to travel through the crawling Johannesburg traffic every morning I have resigned myself to use the time for a little education on current affairs. Every morning I listen to the John Robbie show on 702 Talk Radio, for about an hour or so and usually find myself with some food for thought or finding out something new.

This morning Julius Malema was interviewed on the show and instead of his usual radical ‘I WILL SHOUT EVERYTHING’ politics, he actually seemed to be pretty level headed. He answered most of the questions posed to him with such conviction I actually started to believe what he was saying. I honestly and truly began to think: “Oh yes I see your point, nationalisation sounds like a great idea! Yes President Zuma must have singled you out, poor Juju how have these ‘dictators’ been able to get away with treating you like this?”

Now I’m not what some people would term uneducated, I have a internationally recognised degree and am considered a specialist in my field… so how did I find myself believing this man who I know to be a complete fraud? How did I start to relate to someone who openly advocates violence, nationalisation and a score of other unearthly things while seated comfortably in his plush leather car while ‘his’ people starve on the other side of his darkened windows?

I read somewhere a few years ago that African politics is a popularity contest. For the first time I can truly identify with this statement as I fell for it! I was sucked in, I actually felt sorry for the very man who sings: “Dubula amabhunu baya raypha.”

I felt like a sucker, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out shouting: “You’ve been Pun’kd!” …no Ashton.

So if I wasn’t on a TV show and I’m not a complete idiot how did this happen? How is it possible that for a second I believed in Malema’s political plight? So I got to thinking isn’t that what all politicians do? They sucker you in, make you believe in their cause and get you to vote. Because that’s what it is it’s THEIR cause not the people’s cause. Being a politician is the most selfish career one can get into, there are of course the exceptions; take Mandela for instance (I guess at points in his career this too can be argued against). Most politicians however are in it for THEMSELVES, especially in Africa where leaders are not always held accountable for their actions.

So when did WE let this happen? When did we get suckered in by politicians? When did we start believing the men and women who stand up and tell us what we want to hear and condemn them when they say things we don’t necessarily want to hear, regardless of race, religion or political affiliation. I really wish Ashton would jump out right about now.

You have to be close to someone to genuinely love them, so from the jump I make that difficult. It’s not intentional, but my deep feelings are guarded like a maximum-security prison. When meeting someone, I’m immediately hesitant to share anything other than the basics. You’ll learn of my name, hobbies, interests — and that’s about it. I don’t typically talk about personal issues, family, or stuff I hold close to my heart, not even after a while. I’ve mastered the art of changing topics, deflecting and using sarcasm to escape the grasps of any intimate or layered question thrown my way. It’s not a purposeful, focused defensive plan, it’s more of an uncontrollable curse.

The fact that my self-protectiveness occurs subconsciously means that a conscious effort is necessary to open up to somebody. It’s a matter of literally forcing myself to reveal commonly shared information that, for whatever reason, I don’t like to talk about. That’s a challenge because at times I’ll recognize that I’m being hesitant, but it’s difficult to stop. If you’re a guarded individual, certainly you understand.

Conversations with you are like palaeontology digs. Someone will excavate for lengthy periods of time to come up with absolutely nothing, or very little on most occasions. It’s rare that they discover a valuable fossil, which can be frustrating for them. Then eventually they grow exhausted from digging to no avail, and quit. That’s when it’s most evident that you’re too protected. When someone’s willing to exit your life. When a person finds the worth of potentially awesome fossils inside of your soul less valuable than their time or energy, so they pack up and vacate the premises.

Now if you’re an even more complicated case like me, a person deserting you triggers a flurry of emotions. Frustration with them for parting ways. Disappointment in yourself for not being more open, or interesting enough to stick with. Empathy toward them because you know that you’re quite the handful. It’s a very disappointing, confidence-killing mixture of feelings and sensations that take a strong mind to recover from.

For guarded people, considering that someone can talk to us for weeks, months, or even years and only learn so much about us is a terrifying concept. The possibility of never learning to be open fills our hearts with worry. It’s a legitimate concern that nobody will ever dig deep enough to do anything more than scratch our surface. In an odd way, I think we want an individual to force the issue or persevere through the tough exterior. It feels good to know that someone can sense the metaphorical electric fences, barbwire and armed guards that surround your feelings and yet they still want to break through.

Anyone who feels the need to protect his or herself feels so for a reason. Ultimately the motivation for defence is not wanting to be judged. Whether it’s your past, your present conflicts, family business, or some other situation, the general fear is that our secrets will condemn us. That this is lose-lose. That even if we tell you, it’ll go terribly. That no matter what, the end result will be regret. Because someone will either get sick of our shutdown ways, or come to find that they hate the person we truly are, and the experiences we’ve had/are currently having.

So what’s the worst that would happen if we completely let our guards down? Not just a little, I’m talking about removing the entire security system. Treating the place our feelings stay less like a prison, and more like a retreat. People can go there, learn about you, be relaxed, and hopefully enjoy their stay. It’s not easy, but maybe today we can do away with the barbwire. Then tomorrow, or a week from now, we turn the electricity running through the links of that fence off. Keep the fence itself up until you’re a little more comfortable, then tear that down too. Eventually we’ll hand those armed guards their pink slips, along with a nice severance package so they never want to return, and then we’re open. When people ask questions, we’ll answer. Hell, we might even reveal things without someone inquiring.

That’s the dream of a guarded individual; to be as open as everyone else seems. To have people who are close to us. Today, I’m right there with the rest of you inaccessibly sealed vaults. At this moment, nobody, not a shrink or a persistent friend I’ve known for years is getting too far in here. But I’m thinking about tossing aside the barbwire today — and you should consider it too. After all, what’ve we really got to lose? If someone departs based on our past or present struggles, that’s not a loss. It weeds out any judgmental associates, leaving you with nothing but people who love the personality, mind and soul that you are.

Share the load!

Like this:

I listened to this song for the first time yesterday in a really really long time. For the first time I listened and put meaning to the words. Bob Seger you rock my world!

It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playing low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
‘Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then

Against the wind
We were runnin’ against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin’
Against the wind

The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worryied about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter sgainst the wind

Well those drifter’s days are past me now
I’ve got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind
I’m still runnin’ against the wind
I’m older now but still runnin’ against the wind
Well I’m older now and still runnin’
Against the wind
Against the wind
Against the wind

Still runnin’
I’m still runnin’ against the wind
I’m still runnin’
I’m still runnin’ against the wind
Still runnin’
Runnin’ against the wind
Runnin’ against the wind
See the young man run
Watch the young man run
Watch the young man runnin’
He’ll be runnin’ against the wind
Let the cowboys ride
Let the cowboys ride
They’ll be ridin’ against the wind
Against the wind …