Leaning on Dr. Seuss’ Wisdom To Stop Negotiating With Kids

Negotiating with kids is not for the faint of heart. Children can bait, persist and nag like their lives depend on it.

Mom, can I have 5 more minutes?

What about if I…?

How about if I first do this? Then can I have that?

Somehow our sweet newborns grow into expert negotiators in a blink. One minute we are rock-a-bye babying and the next they are arguing circles around us.

There should be a fitbit counter for the number of calories we burn explaining and defending our answers.

My friend’s daughter, Lauren, cheerfully asks if she can have dessert for breakfast almost daily. She quietly accepts her mom’s ‘no’ and reaches for non-cake options. Laughing, her mom asks why she keeps asking even though the answer is always no.

Lauren explains, “Maybe tomorrow it will be a ‘yes’.”

With optimistic persistence like this, is it any wonder children wear us down?

If your Marvin K. Mooney argues at bedtime or your little Yertle pushes to be in charge, I wrote this for you. These six strategies, Dr. Seuss style, will help you minimize negotiations with your own little cast of characters.

1. explain family principles

When children ask recurring questions, discuss the principles behind your answers. Once they understand our rationale, children will be less likely to argue. Especially if we remind them of this principle when the discussion comes up again.

This principle is reinforced when our boys notice they don’t feel well after eating too many treats or not getting enough sleep. We may make exceptions, but they know this is a guiding principle for our family.

Questions: Why can my friend have play dates on school nights? Why can other kids ride their bikes on the road?

Principle: Different families have different guidelines

Our children have learned we will not be swayed just because their friends’ families do things differently. We remind them that we make parenting choices we feel are best.

Question: Why do I have to do chores?

Principle: We live like a team, and we work like a team

Our friends taught this principle to their children. When their oldest was seven, she noticed her mom looking discouraged at the state of the toy room. Talia maturely asked, “Are you thinking you could have time to play with us if we tidied up some toys first?”

An additional benefit comes when older siblings explain the principles.

One of our boys felt jealous that his friend was allowed to order three cheeseburgers. His brother explained that when people don’t have as many children as we do, they can afford extra things; but we are just a “One Burger Family.”

List your child’s most common arguments. What principles can you teach to address these?

2. timing is {almost} everything when negotiating with kids

“Ask me tomorrow, but not today” Hop on Pop

In Hop on Pop, Dr. Seuss confirms there is a right time to ask questions. For example, it is not ideal to ask about a play date while I am making dinner and calming a crying toddler. In the chaos I will say, “Ask me later.”

If my child persists, I caution, “If you push me for an answer right away it will be ‘no’, but if you ask me after dinner I may reconsider.”

If you simply need time to consider an answer without repetitious demands, set a timer. Your child will have a visible cue showing when they will get your decision so you can have space to ponder.

If you tell your child you’re going to consider his request for a few minutes, make sure it truly is only for a few minutes…Delaying your answer will only frustrate him, leading him to hound you, and increase the likelihood you will snap out a “no,” just to get him to stop. Empowering Parents

3. understand your child’s perspective

“A person’s a person, no matter how small” Horton Hears a Who

Understanding a child’s perspective can minimize conflict. Recently, I almost brushed off my son’s request to wear sunglasses to school. As Horton says, “You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.” Thankfully, I listened and learned he had been planning a spy game all week and his spy gear was essential.

You can also ask children to reflect on their own question. I may say, “Are you asking why you have to wear a coat so you will understand, or to argue with me?” They learn that I will help them understand, but not argue. (on a good day – right? If I’m undercaffeinated or overtired I may just argue to Make. It. Stop.) #keepingitreal

Acknowledging a child’s perspective does not negate the importance of training. For example, we know whining may reveal a child is hungry, overtired or trying to get attention. But we shouldn’t accept whining. If a child whines (e.g., “Why do I have to go to bed n-o-w-w-w-w?”) suggest they try again. If necessary, model a better tone and offer them a redo.

4. personality matters

“There’s no one alive who is youer than you” Happy Birthday to You

When we consider the “youness” of our children, we strengthen our relationships and minimize conflicts and negotiations.

If our detailed-oriented son does not have enough information about plans, he will ask rapid-fire questions out of stress. We minimize his frustration by giving him an outline of our day and involve him in recording details on the family calendar.

In contrast, our spontaneous son’s questions involve seeking permission to try his latest idea. We try to accommodate his request or suggest alternatives.

Our born leader may try to push this easygoing mama into decisions, and will over-negotiate if allowed. We honour his leadership by hearing his input, but are training him to accept our final decision.

5. be consistent when negotiating with kids

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant” Horton Hatches an Egg

Negotiating with our children can be productive. It can be a life skill we can help them develop, within set boundaries. Scott Brown, a conflict expert, teaches the following about negotiating:

It’s not about winning and losing.

Both parties can share their ideas.

It involves bargaining, not giving in.

Remaining calm maximizes our effectiveness.

You don’t have to reach consensus.

But do you have a relentless negotiator? A child who finds loopholes and fires objections that make your head spin? When we fall into a pattern of over-negotiating, we are teaching that our limits are meaningless.

In his Living With Little Lawyers article, James Lehman explains, “Once you let them over-negotiate or wear you down, then your child never knows if this time he’s going to get lucky…”

When negotiations are closed, you have the right to make a fair, final decision. Lynn Lott suggests a technique if your child continues to nag. If you give an answer, and your child begins to protest, ask if they have already asked that question. Then ask if you already answered their question. Teach them that this catch phrase “Asked and Answered” signals it is a done deal.

6. be encouraged

Our parenting journey provides many opportunities to practise these strategies. Consistency will reap stronger relationships, while minimizing conflicts and negotiations.

And after tomorrow’s tomorrow, you may find yourself smiling as your grandchild whines, “But d-a-a-a-a-d” and warms up for a negotiation. Pass along your favourite Dr. Seuss book and wish them both well.

I need hope & humour in my parenting – bring it on!

Comments

I just love this so much! So much wisdom from Dr. Seuss. Sharing this for sure.
I’ve also found this kind of wonderful wisdom from a stuffy little Pooh Bear. Oh, A.A. Milne. I have found my parenting wisdom to lean more towards Hunger Games lately. Looks like I need to go have some quiet time and get my heart right, you think?

Karen Gauvreau would squeeze her four-baby-body into a cheerleader's uniform for you to know someone is rooting for you as a Mom - cartwheeling for your victories and offering a pep talk when you feel pummelled. If you laugh in the process, even better.