Guru

This week, Guru decided to be unabashedly lazy. Fortunately, the following, fantastic ditty arrived from disciple Ruth to save Guru from having to claim he was going post-modern and having a completely white page:

The US Congress has announced that the office of president of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of 1 January 2007. The move is being made to save the president’s $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521bn in deficit expenditures and related overheads the office has incurred during the past five years.

“We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant,” stated congressman Thomas Reynolds, who, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied the outsourcing of American jobs extensively. “We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” he noted.

President George W Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been under way for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of president. Mr Singh is eligible as he was born in the US while his Indian parents were holidaying at Niagara Falls.

He will receive a salary of $320 a month, but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night.

“Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call centre,” stated Mr Singh in an exclusive interview. “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be president.”

A spokesman for Congress noted that, while Mr Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of president, this should not be a problem, as neither was Bush.

Mr Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he will be able to address common concerns without having to understand the issues at all.

“We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson. “President Bush has used them successfully for years.”

Mr Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the “down home” persona in his effort to appear intelligent.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day in office. After a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment benefit for 13 weeks.

Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of a recruitment company to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to the recruiter, Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush’s extensive abilities of shaking hands and smiling wryly. Another possibility is Bush’s re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but, should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, Texas, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.

“I’ve been there, I know all about Iraq,” stated Mr Bush, who gained his invaluable knowledge of the country in a Baghdad Airport gift shop.

Naked desire kills lad mag argument

A disciple, known only as ‘P’, sent in the following note in a moment of absolute gravity:

Dear Guru,Over the past three weeks I have noted that your front page has featured pictures of Arsenal FC player Robert Pires, supermodel Helena Christensen and celebrity wannabe Chantelle. With footballers and pretty ladies adorning the cover, I am concerned that Personnel Today is trying to rebrand itself as a ‘lads’ mag.

Please stop this now and stick to reporting the issues in a professional way.

Yours, P Moody.

PS – When reporting on the BBC’s pensions proposals please can you run it with a picture of BBC newsreader Kate Silverton. I, erm, appreciate the way she presents Breakfast News.

Anyone who doesn’t agree with this colourful approach to illustrating stories should count themselves lucky. Guru has been arguing that the idea of putting sexy, good-looking people in the magazine should be taken to its logical conclusion.

He advocates full nudity, and has compiled a list of the first nudes you’ll see: Jade Goody, Chris Moyles and John Prescott (but it may be difficult to beat the national papers to that one…).