Category: Oprah

In a Rolling Stones profile for the 10th anniversary of her first album Arular, M.I.A. goes off and spills what I’m sure is 100% truthfulness about her ex-boyfriend Diplo and God’s supervisor Oprah.

M.I.A. and Diplo bumped nipples full-time for 5 years and she says that his b-hole started dripping with jealousy when she got signed to Interscope. Diplo shit on her for going “mainstream” and called her a sell out for doing magazine photo shoots and for working with famous people. She claims that the more successful she got, the more Diplo put her down and now she thinks he was just jealous and couldn’t wait to become famous himself. (Makes sense since he’s allegedly been all over Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.) Diplo recently Instagrammed a picture of himself with M.I.A., so I guess his ass isn’t sore from her slapping at him.

But one person who probably isn’t going to Instagram a picture of herself and M.I.A. anytime soon is The Mighty O! M.I.A. says that in the above picture taken at Time’s Most Influential People of 2009 party, Oprah is holding back from chewing her a new asshole. M.I.A. claims that she asked Oprah to draw awareness to the shit going on in Sri Lanka, but The Mighty O told her to fuck off. This is 100% real and it happened exactly the way M.I.A. said it happened:

In 2009, Time nominated me for one of the most influential people of the 21st century or something and I met Oprah at that party. And I was like, “Hey, people are gonna fucking die in my country. Like, please pay attention.” And she was like, “You’re shit because you were rude to Lady Gaga and I’m not talking to you. And I’m gonna interview Tom Cruise jumping on my sofa, so fuck off.”

Yeah, she didn’t talk to me. She shut me down. She took that photo of me, but she was just like, “I can’t talk to you because you’re crazy and you’re a terrorist.” And I’m like, “I’m not. I’m a Tamil and there are people dying in my country and you have to like look at it because you’re fucking Oprah and every American told me you’re going to save the world.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA. The Tommy couch jumping thing happened in 2005, so either M.I.A. made that up or she and Oprah temporarily time traveled back to 2005 during that fight. I don’t know what’s more unbelievable: Oprah telling someone to fuck off and calling them a terrorist while there’s cameras around or Oprah being a Little Monster. Or all of the above. Oprah doesn’t need to curse anyone out if she wants them to leave her alone. She just needs to snap her fingers and a bolt of lighting will turn you to dust and rid you from her sight. And something tells me M.I.A. will be for real M.I.A. when Oprah finds out that she tried to shit all over her pristine image.

When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another Worldat least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.

“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”

And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.

To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.

When DOMA was overturned last year, Raven tweeted “I can finally get married! Yay government!” and most of us took that to mean she was publicly coming out as a proud 100% gayelle, but on Oprah: Where Are They Now (via Gawker) last night, she told The Mighty O that if she had a label stitched to the top of her back it would not say 100% Lesbian and 100% African-American. Raven, whose girlfriend is AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model, refuses to label herself as gay or an African-American. Raven is an American human, thankyouverymuch!

Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.

Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).

But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.

Oprah Winfrey will play Richard Pryor’s whorehouse madam grandma in The Butler director Lee Daniels’ upcoming biopic of the legendary comedian. There was already a sorta Pryor biopic that Richard himself was involved in and it had the best title I’ve ever heard – JoJo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. Lee and Oprah (and Mike Epps, who has been cast as Pryor) aren’t going to top that title.

That flick was an “inspired by” take on it, but this one will be the real thing. Pryor was actually raised in Nana Marie Carter’s brothel in Peoria, Illinois (anyone would be a comedian after that experience) and TMZ reports that Oprah is looking to play “gritty” this time because she’s already exhausted “inspiring,” “spiritual,” and “book club.”

I don’t think playing a lady pimp is going be challenge enough for Oprah. I want to see O play Richard! Imagine the only deity that matters playing Richard on the set of The Toy, wondering just what the fuck he was thinking? Imagine Oprah catching fire while trying to freebase? Imagine Oprah opposite Maggie Gyllenhaal as Gene Wilder filmingSee No Evil, Hear No Evil(1989)? (Wow, Richard went through some shit.)

Check out pics of O from the premiere of The Hundred-Foot Journey in NYC earlier this month below.

Somewhere in Montecito, CA there’s a terrified-looking Stedman frantically running around a Starbucks trying to order $3 million dollars worth of chai tea lattes and screaming at a barista: “I’ll take whatever you’ve got! This is important, GODDAMNIT! Is this all of it here in the SALE bin? Ring it up faster!” before collapsing to the floor and rocking back and forth in the fetal position chanting: “There’s still time…there’s still time…it’s okay….Oprah won’t be too mad…”. Poor Stedman. Forbes magazine released their annual 100 Richest Assholes List (aka the Celebrity 100) today, and his boo Oprah was knocked from her spot at #1 by lifelike android chanteuse Beyoncé. Even worse, Her Majesty Oprah didn’t even get a seat at the exclusive Top 3 Table: instead, Forbes handed Oprah a tray and a bundle of plastic cutlery and told her there was a #4 spot and a stale chicken souvlaki waiting for her in the food court with the rest of the losers. Here’s the Top 10:

The Forbes Celebrity 100 measures both fame and money, so while Yawncé didn’t make the most money, her massive ego fame makes up for it and put her at #1. Likewise, Oprah made a good chunk of money, but the former golden goose did nothing but lay coke-filled shit eggs this year. But it doesn’t matter, because this list is clearly inaccurate! The real Celebrity 100 Top 1o should read as follows:

Before I started watching Lindsay on OWN, I already knew that Lindsay Lohan’s a freckled bag of lies who lives in a fart bubble of narcissism where everybody and everything is to blame but her. So at the very end of last night’s finale when she said that she had to stop filming for two weeks because she had a miscarriage, a lot of hos squinted their eyes and let out an, “Errrr.”

The last part of the finale was shot after the first episode had already aired on OWN and everybody trashed her ass for holding up production and being the opposite of reliable. LiLo says she couldn’t physically shoot, because she was laid up in bed with the sicks after losing a baby.

“No one knows this and we can finish after this, I had a miscarriage for those two weeks I took off. It’s a very long story. That’s why on the show when it says, ‘she doesn’t want to come down, she doesn’t want to come down,’ I couldn’t move. I was sick and mentally that messes with you. And watching this series, I just know how I felt at that moment and I can relate to that girl, which sounds kind of crazy. But, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, this is really sad, who’s helping her?’ No one knows what’s going on in my head at every second, because I’m constantly thinking. My mind does not shut off. The only time it does is when I start doing meditation or when I put music on my headphones. There’s a lot going on in my life then.”

LiLo didn’t say who the father was.

A miscarriage is an awful, tragic nightmare that nobody should go through, so would LiLo actually stoop that low and earn a seat on the Peter Pan bus to Hell by making one up to get sympathy? Hmm, I guess it wouldn’t be the worse thing she’s ever done (see: The Canyons). Somebody should really check her DVR history to see if she’s been watching Nashville.

White Oprah’s just pissed, because nobody told her LiLo was going to say she miscarried. White Oprah could’ve leaked that info (along with that fuck list) to InTouch Weekly for more gin and Adderall money.

And if you need to see those words coming out of LiLo’s mouth, here’s the clip of her saying she miscarried:

Let’s play a game! Without cheating, let’s see if you can guess why Oprah won’t be renewing Lindsay Lohan’s reality show Lindsay. Are you ready? Okay, GO! If you guessed any of the following: booze, drugs, being a fuck-up, being difficult, being a difficult fuck-up, being a difficult drunk fuck-up, you’d be WRONG, because it was a trick question! The answer is low ratings (the answer is always low ratings).

The series finale for Lindsay airs this Sunday, and it sounds like Blo may want to throw herself another booze-soaked viewing party, because The Daily Mail says that it might be her last. Oprah was planning on renewing Lindsay’s reality series if it turned out to be a success, but it wasn’t. The premiere episode only took in 700,000 viewers, which may seem like a lot, until you realize that old-ass re-runs of The Big Bang Theory get about 4 million viewer. 70,000 viewers puts Lindsay in the same category as informercials and the stock footage of parks they show on DOG-TV. Since Oprah doesn’t really give two freckled Lohan shits about the Apricot Ashtray’s road to recovery unless she’s getting paid, she’s cutting her losses and moving on to a better money maker (Iyanla: Fix My Life Pt.2 – Keep Fixin’!)

And it sounds like out-of-work Lindsay can’t fall back on sitcom guest appearances either. According to Radar, Lindsay’s appearance on 2 Broke Girls was their lowest-rated episode of the season, nearly 1 million viewers less than an average episode. And that says a lot, since people who watch 2 Broke Girls aren’t exactly discerning viewers to begin with (aww, JK 2 Broke Girls. Any show with Jennifer Coolidge can’t be half bad).

So there ends another full rotation on the Merry Go Round of Lindsay Lohan’s life: she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, she gets another chance, she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, etc etc until she runs out of chances on earth, and she finds herself a rocket and starts bargaining with aliens.

Here’s more of Lindsay in London on Monday. I really hope there’s a current resume in that backpack, because she’s going to need it.

Greta the Gremlin’s shady pill-gobbling half-sister, Lindsay Lohan, accidentally took a wrong turn on her way to the human ashtray convention and drunkenly wandered onto the set of The Late Show Wednesday night. While there, she sat with David Letterman (in a chair that was later fumigated to hell and back, then mercifully destroyed) to talk about the reality show that will surely sweep every category at this year’s Delusional Dirtbag Emmys, Lindsay (aka the weekly reminder that your parents did alright with you and you should send them a Blue Mountain e-card).

Since Blohan’s version of Jiminy Cricket is a tiny stupid crackhead who turns tricks inside her ratty weave, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone when she answered the question David asked about the editing on her show by throwing massive amounts of freckled shade at Saint Oprah and the Saviour Crew at OWN. Remember Sunday’s episode where the Apricot Ashtray fucks up a meeting with a Sony executive in LA and gets called out for boozing? She didn’t actually say some of those things! Her words were taken out of context! It’s all meant to create drama for the show! They just want ratings! It’s all a conspiracy! (Snnooooooorrrtttt) I’m sober! Where’s my money? Oprah? I need money! Ow, did I just step on a glass pipe?

At which point, Lindsay’s crackhead conscience sounded the ‘YOU’RE BROKE, BITCH’ alarm (it sounds a little something like this) and screamed at her to start kissing Oprah’s ass again. So Lindsay convinced David Letterman to call up Oprah, because remember? She talks to Oprah every day! In a move of total perfect cuntiness, Oprah told David and the Late Show audience that the little grifter that could is “doing okay” followed by asking him “What do you think?” Oh Oprah. Anyone with a set of working eyeballs and the ability to detect vodka and mouthwash cocktails knows that the answer to that question. You shady bitch.