BREAKING: A Group Chat Has Leaked from Ellen DeGeneres' Deep State

By Jes Tom

January 05, 2018

Ellen is not Shadow Government President — Beyoncé is.

Not one week into 2018, President Trump’s son and dollar store Draco Malfoy look-alike Eric Trump has made a startling claim on Twitter: that beloved lesbian comedian Ellen DeGeneres is leading a shadow government working against the Trump administration.

While Ellen has outright denied this allegation in a video response to Trump’s tweet, them. has acquired an exclusive leaked chat correspondence that seems to suggest otherwise — it appears that the group has avoided detection through the use of outdated AIM technology. Is Ellen DeGeneres’ shadow government high fantasy or stranger than fiction? Read on and judge for yourself:

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Greetings, Sistren! 🙋🏼‍♂️

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):Greetings, Sister

BadGovRiRi (Rihanna F.):Greetings, Sister

Beytriarchy (Beyoncé K.):Greetings, Sister. For what purpose have you called this emergency group chat? Considering you have interrupted my precious morning kale smoothie, I assume the cause is urgent?

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Uh… It’s pretty bad actually…

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):Great.

Beytriarchy (Beyoncé K.):Hush. Speak, child.

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):It’s that Eric Trump, he found out about us... and he told Twitter 😅

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):WHAT

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Well, let me clarify. He tweeted that I’m in the “deep state,” which I think is what they call pizza in Chicago? Or is it how I feel after eating too much pizza? 🍕

BadGovRiRi (Rihanna F.):I’ll be in the “deep state” after hitting this blunt!!! 😤

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Anywho, he thinks I’m the puppet master of a secret anti-Trump government with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Beytriarchy (Beyoncé K.):Preposterous. Completely unheard of. We would never allow vile politicians in our shadow coven. That would be disastrous to our country.

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):Wait… he thinks you’re the leader? 😐Beyoncé is obviously the leader.

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Yeah I dunno why.

BadGovRiRi (Rihanna F.):Girl, come on. You know why. 😏

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):We all know why.

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Okay, okay, it’s because of the inherent high status that people project onto me due to white privilege. I forget sometimes.

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):You’re not the leader. You’re the treasurer.

BadGovRiRi (Rihanna F.):And, can I be blunt? I’m the most qualified to be treasurer cuz I’m amazing at counting cash. 💸 But I can’t help that I’m an even better military strategist.

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Hey, I also bring snacks to our meetings. 🍰🍟🍬

Beytriarchy (Beyoncé K.):Sistren, the enemy may be misinformed, but still this is grave news. This is a heavy burden to fall upon you, Sister DeGeneres. But in order to preserve the secrecy and safety of our group, you alone can bear it. How shall you respond?

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):I think... we should reveal ourselves!

ConstanceComment (Constance W.):Ummmm….

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):I think America is ready! Look at the Women’s March! I mean did you SEE all those pussy hats?

BadGovRiRi (Rihanna F.):I don’t think —

DeGenerous1 (Ellen D.):Wait, wait, I am getting an AMAZING idea. 💡 We won’t do it at a press conference, everybody hates stuffy old press conferences. We’ll do it on my show! WE CAN ALL COME OUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!!! 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

Beytriarchy (Beyoncé K.):Sister DeGeneres, your heart is pure. But you have much still to learn. The best answer isn’t always to come out on national television.

Beytriarchy (Beyoncé K.):No... The public, even our own fans, are not ready to hear the truth of our coven. Nor of our plan to eradicate Trump and his underlings and to usher in an age of equity, justice, and fair judging at the Grammys. If we reveal ourselves too early, even our fans will surely turn against us. We must wait. In the public realm, I will continue to influence the hearts and minds of the people with astonishing, moving, groundbreaking visual albums. Meanwhile, Sister Fenty, Sister Wu, Sister DeGeneres, we will do our true work under the cover of darkness. Until the time is right.