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is an unapologetic, bleeding-heart liberal who writes about everything from politics to private parts. A TV-writer in a former life, her credits include "Big Spender" for Animal Planet,and "A Child Too Many," "Cradle of Conspiracy" & "Deceived By Trust," for Lifetime

Thursday, February 18, 2010

A while back there was a movie out called “Multiplicity” wherein the hero, whose life’s obligations were overwhelming him, found a way to duplicate himself several times over and parcel out the chores he’d rather not do to his alter selves. Since this was a comedy, of course it all ended up going grossly awry, with the alter selves getting pissed off at having to do all the crappy stuff, while our hero got to just coast and enjoy life. Still, the concept does have a lot of merit.

If I just had another me who would finish taking down the Christmas decorations I could stop feeling foolish when folks stop by. I could have read a friend's story in a timely manner so as to avoid hurt feelings. And remember that New Year’s post I wrote where I made all those “vows” to get the paper clutter in my life under control? That sound you hear is God laughing.

I would have an alter self to do my daily job, too, so that on a sunny day like today (apologies to those of you still snow bound) I could be outside riding a horse, or sitting at a sidewalk café, drinking coffee and reading one of the many books that I keep meaning to get to. Or maybe I’d even start writing that book I’ve been telling myself is somewhere inside me waiting to burst forth and make me a literary darling so I could be on the “Ellen” show because she’s all hip and cool and gay and I do love my gays.

And what I wouldn't give for an alter self who would do the laundry. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard to get to. It’s not like I have to go to a laundromat. There’s an old, albeit perfectly good, washer and dryer just off my kitchen. Still, I will wear the same clothes day after day, always telling myself that this will be the night I do the laundry right after I’m done with work, but then I’m tired and there's wine that needs drinking and then I’m hungry and then… Besides, another perk to being single? Personal hygiene. Not such an issue.

Mostly, I’d like an alter self who would just pee every five minutes for me. If I had the time back that I spend peeing, I probably wouldn’t need any alter selves. That and standing in lines. Grocery store? Alter self. Post office? Alter self. All-you-can-eat buffet on Easter Sunday at the Marriott? Alter self. Yeah, forget that last one. That’s just a bad idea altogether.

A while back there was a movie out called “Multiplicity” wherein the hero, whose life’s obligations were overwhelming him, found a way to duplicate himself several times over and parcel out the chores he’d rather not do to his alter selves. Since this was a comedy, of course it all ended up going grossly awry, with the alter selves getting pissed off at having to do all the crappy stuff, while our hero got to just coast and enjoy life. Still, the concept does have a lot of merit.

If I just had another me who would finish taking down the Christmas decorations I could stop feeling foolish when folks stop by. I could have read a friend's story in a timely manner so as to avoid hurt feelings. And remember that New Year’s post I wrote where I made all those “vows” to get the paper clutter in my life under control? That sound you hear is God laughing.

I would have an alter self to do my daily job, too, so that on a sunny day like today (apologies to those of you still snow bound) I could be outside riding a horse, or sitting at a sidewalk café, drinking coffee and reading one of the many books that I keep meaning to get to. Or maybe I’d even start writing that book I’ve been telling myself is somewhere inside me waiting to burst forth and make me a literary darling so I could be on the “Ellen” show because she’s all hip and cool and gay and I do love my gays.

And what I wouldn't give for an alter self who would do the laundry. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard to get to. It’s not like I have to go to a laundromat. There’s an old, albeit perfectly good, washer and dryer just off my kitchen. Still, I will wear the same clothes day after day, always telling myself that this will be the night I do the laundry right after I’m done with work, but then I’m tired and there's wine that needs drinking and then I’m hungry and then… Besides, another perk to being single? Personal hygiene. Not such an issue.

Mostly, I’d like an alter self who would just pee every five minutes for me. If I had the time back that I spend peeing, I probably wouldn’t need any alter selves. That and standing in lines. Grocery store? Alter self. Post office? Alter self. All-you-can-eat buffet on Easter Sunday at the Marriott? Alter self. Yeah, forget that last one. That’s just a bad idea altogether.