Thursday, May 04, 2006

I think my loglines are sinking...

Anyone feel like critiquing my loglines and 2-sentence pitches? Giving them a little nudge? I've been tweaking them for days and can't see them objectively anymore.

I have two loglines and pitches below. What do you think? Can you see a way to tighten them up even more? Make them more fun or memorable? I'd love to hear your suggestions.

MARK OF THE BEAST (40K) A paranormal erotic romance novella about a city girl out of her element and a scientist who must accept the loss of his humanity.

During her vacation in Alaska, marketing assistant Abby Clumm confronts a ferocious wild animal, an armed assassin, the impossible notion that a man can change into a bear, and what she fears most—love. Genetic researcher Tarik Evert is unable to control the instincts driving him to possess Abby. Is he a man? Or a beast?

DRESSED TO KILL (90k) A paranormal erotic novel about an determined entrepreneur and two men on opposite sides of the law.

Nightclub owner Sylvie Durand learns what security truly means when she’s forced to rely on vampires Burke Langton and Dane Kittera to keep her alive. The lawbreaker, Burke, and the law-enforcer, Dane, must make a choice—to either trust each other and work together...or face their doom.

2 Comments:

I think what might be tripping you up is the "A paranormal erotic romance" parts. Say that out loud three times! I always hate adding tags like that to my novels and novellas because they're an awkward mouthful. I always use the wording "an erotic paranormal romance" (suspense, etc.).