A gender-bending argument against unisex restrooms

After enjoying a most excellent breakfast in a Sacramento restaurant called The Tower, I headed to the restrooms only to discover about eight people—oh, be still my beating bladder—waiting in line!

Actually, there were two lines. To make matters worse, each comprised both men and women. This could only mean one thing. It meant they were waiting for the dreaded unisex bathrooms.

And ain't that some shit? Indeed, it seems an increasing number of establishments are going the way of unisex accommodations in an effort, no doubt, to evenly distribute the waiting time between the sexes. And while I'm sure this sounds reasonable to women—who surely must be tired of wasting away in endless bathroom queues—to me it's a raw deal.

You see, as a straight, white and male individual (SWAMI), I have enjoyed the privileges that society has to offer people: superior education, safe neighborhoods, preferential treatment from authority figures, freedom from bullying and/or harassment, higher wages, inheritance advantages and the opportunity to date white girls without the scorn of suspicious parents. But now, as our culture becomes increasingly aware of and opposed to SWAMI entitlements they are systematically being revoked. And you know what? I feel I have been a pretty good sport about it.

I didn't complain in 1986, when three million illegal immigrants were awarded amnesty, thereby making it harder for white people to get those coveted low-wage jobs.

I didn't complain about the recent, nationwide legalization of gay marriage, even though it has clearly contributed to the demise of straight marriage, including the collapse of my own wholly heterosexual marriage.

Nor did you hear meraise a stink about the Black Lives Matter movement, even though it hogged all the media attention away from the valiant fundraising efforts of my White People without Yachts Foundation.

But unisex bathrooms? I may have lost my white privilege and my hetero privilege but hell no, I will not let go of my male privilege—the most privilegy privilege of them all.

No justice, no peace!

The first time I encountered a unisex operation was a couple of years ago. I had to pass water really, really badly and the long, mix-gendered lines sent me spiraling into the seven stages of grief. First there was shock ("Can this be real?"). Then came denial ("There is no way this is going to catch on"). Followed by anger ("You maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you to Hell!"). Followed by guilt, depression and finally acceptance as I walked to the back of the line with throbbing gonads and prayed to the excretion gods that the unisex concept would not catch on. Because, let's face it, the tried-and-true system of male- and female-only restrooms keeps the men's wait at a minimum—thanks to the magic and genius of the external phallus which can be whipped out and watered in the time it takes a woman to retrieve the owner's manual for her vagina.

Say what you want about the vajay-jay's role in childbirth, it is clearly the inferior organ. Not only because it can't be used to write your name in the snow, but because of how much it slows you down in the lavatory. And sure, it may seem unfair that it was men who got the coveted male sex organ, but it makes sense. As far as genitalia goes, God had two options. As much as he wanted to award a phallus to everyone, he knew somebody had to have a receptacle for the whole thing to work. So he gave it to females, for the simple reason that men are movers and shakers who don't have time to be dicking around with vaginas. We don't have time to be unbuckling belts, lowering and raising toilet seats or wiping ourselves after the simple act of relieving our bladders. It was clearly God's intent to make this a swift and convenient prick-friendly process so men could get back to running governments and building rocket ships. To undo this advantage would not only be a detriment to mankind, but an affront to God.

We shall overcome. We shall overcome.

That said, I will concede that there are many out there who abuse their SWAMI privilege. They use it to intentionally hurt those who are not members of the advantaged class and absolutely should have their entitlements revoked. But can we agree that those of us who did not abuse our privilege should be able to keep them? I mean, I'm one of the good ones, right? I'm the guy who always nods and says, "Sup?" to black people I pass on the street. I am the guy who always asks the women I trick into sleeping with me if they climaxed before gathering my clothes and rushing out the door. And I am the heterosexual who went to the drag club and didn't flip out when the pudgy, old Motown queen sat on my lap and crooned "Love to Love You Baby" into my wilting ears.

Afterward, I went to the restrooms which were marked His and Hers. There were four gals waiting for Hers and a man dressed like Betty Page waiting for His. Betty was in and out before anyone in the Her line got in. "Power to the pee-ple," I thought. "Power to the pee-ple, right on!"