Relationships

A lilac bush scraped the glass every time the wind danced through its branches, and with each scrape I paused over the list before me. I was leaned against my hope chest in the sunlight, my bible at my elbow, chewing on the end of my pen as I thought carefully over each bullet point. I tried to keep my cursive even so it looked pretty. After all, I planned to have this list a long time: I was only sixteen.

Eight years later I found the List. It was folded neatly in the back of my high school bible. It had been added to and scribbled on a little, but the title still read: My Husband’s Character. It was my wish-list of qualifications for the man I would marry. My eyes scanned the page and I smiled the retrospective smile of a married woman looking back on a young, unmarried self.

Many readers of the modesty series took issue with the fact that my husband asked me not to wear a specific item of clothing because he deemed it inappropriate for public appearance. I received comments and emails from women who declared he had no right to ‘tell me what to wear’. He was ripped to shreds in online forums by women and men alike who neither know him nor care to. And therein lies the fatal flaw.

They don’t know him like I do, and it is because I know him that I take his advice.

My husband protects, provides, and guides me – when I need advice. I don’t always need it. I am a very independent woman and spend every waking moment as busy as possible, so his advice is valuable guidance as I juggle work, volunteer activities, motherhood, blogging, and everything else.

Listening to my husband doesn’t make me any less of a strong-willed woman. I have valid reason to listen to him, and here’s why.

1. Because he is trustworthy.

“The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.” (Prov. 10:9)

I take my husband’s advice because he has proven himself worthy of my trust. In decisions spiritual, financial, and social, he has proven to me that his heart is to do what is right in God’s eyes before anything else. He is not impulsive, endangering me or our future with flawed decision making. While he has failed before and will in the future, I will continue to give him the benefit of the doubt because he does the same for me. And ultimately, God gives us both grace when we fail Him, so we owe that same grace and trust to each other.

2. Because he is discerning.

I listen to my husband’s input because he is steady, dependable, and analytical, whereas I tend to be fast-moving, quick-tempered and impulsive. Like the time I wanted to buy mismatched wingback chairs for our office: in my head I saw a haven of outdoorsy-ness perfect for his ‘man cave’, but he wasn’t so keen on $90 for one blue chair and one red. So I listened to him and left them behind, and I am very glad I did!

His view of life is farsighted, and while sometimes this puts a damper on the ‘fun’, his dependability provides the backbone to my trust in him and I know his opinions are good ones.

3. Because he has a different perspective.

The female perspective on life, ladies, is not the only perspective. I know that’s hard sometimes.

I frequently ask Josh’s input and opinion on movies, music, clothing, food, work, and anything that crosses my fancy. I love his opinions. He is funny, he is serious, he is particular – and most of all, he is willing to indulge my little whims. I can read a Ladies Home Journal aloud and show him pictures of Easter dinner menus and he will offer ideas that I never would have imagined. We marry men because they are different from us; we don’t want clones of ourselves!

So once married, we can’t shut them down and shut them up as if their opinions and advice have no merit in our eyes. Our opinions are not the only right ones, and the men we marry should be able to grow us into even better versions of ourselves by offering a perspective other than our own, especially when it comes to issues that affect the both of us. Finances, church decisions, home management – these are all issues that involve both parties in the marital relationship and are benefited when we both contribute.

4. Because he seeks to honor God.

“Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.” (2 Tim. 2:21)

I take my husband’s advice on my life decisions because I know his heart is to do God’s will. With this in mind, I can filter what Josh is saying through what I know of God’s word, and this provides double guidance to my decisions. When my husband asked me not to wear tight pants in public or to keep a low cut tank-top at home, my first impulse was resistance. But when I checked his advice against God’s word, I realized that my motive in wearing those items was my own glorification: looking hot, getting attention, and emphasizing the material instead of the spiritual. My husband’s intentions were in line with God’s intentions: thus, I listened and obeyed.

When women see the word ‘submission’, they often fly into such a blind rage they can’t hear or see the true definition. So here it is: submission is setting aside our priorities to give way to the priorities of another, whose goal is the glory of God. That is biblical submission. Without God’s spirit guiding a man, it would be very difficult to submit to his leadership. But when you are married to a God-honoring man, you have little issue with following his advice – or giving your own advice to him.

5. Because I respect him.

“…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Eph. 5:33)

Respect for Josh is both an emotion and an action – just like his love for me. There are days I am overwhelmed with how much I respect him, and there are days I am very busy and exhausted and I have to consciously choose to be respectful. And when I show him respect, I show it in the manner he best recognizes it.

As I respect him, he loves me more. And as he loves me more, I respect him more. It is the classic healthy cycle of Emmerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect book and program, but before Eggerich made it famous God designed it to work this way. When I take my husband’s advice, he feels valued and respected. When I scorn his opinions as silly or inferior, he feels as if his ideas have no merit in my eyes.

Our ideas and thoughts are part of our identity, so when we despise someone’s thoughts and ideas, we essentially despise them. When I show my husband disrespect I directly assault his heart and confidence. I’ve seen far too many wives daily assaul their husbands’ confidence and then wonder why their husbands aren’t leaders. I fear that conclusion, and I know my capability to bring it about. So I choose to respect my husband, and he chooses to love me.

Do I blindly accept everything he says? No. We have many lively discussions about topics on which we disagree. But once I hear him out, and he hears me (because he listens), we come to an agreement. And most of the time – because he is analytical, patient, and discerning – he’s right.

Therefore, he’s not ‘telling me what to do’ at all. In the example of the yoga pants, all he did was give me advice and ask me to comply with a request. And he has every right to do that, just as I have every right to make requests of him. He asked me to do something, and he will continue to make requests of me as long as we are married. That is the nature of the marital relationship.

Each time we choose to respectfully indulge our husband’s opinions and consider them as we make decisions, we honor God, because we are treating a brother in Christ with the honor and order God desires.

So while there are some who pity me for unconditionally respecting my husband (even though there are days I definitely fail) and for complying with his requests, I remain unmoved. The mutual respect in our marriage has granted us an unprecedented intimacy – the kind that can’t be attained when one or both parties is more interested in their rights than the success of their marriage. God’s way works, and I have received honor because of it.

My husband doesn’t tell me what to do. He asks me respectfully. And because I am called to humility and unconditional respect, I listen.

Being married when your husband travels is tough. The first two years of our marriage were spent with an irregular schedule, the aforesaid traveling husband, and me working full time while also finishing my degree. If your husband travels, chances are you’ve run into loneliness, boredom, and the usual catastrophe that waits until he’s gone to arrive.

At the writing of this post, Josh’s work called him away on short notice anywhere for two days to two weeks at a time. In fact, he left on business the day after we returned from our honeymoon, and I was alone for a week! He barely made it back for Valentine’s Day – but he did. We are grateful for his job. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult.

He couldn’t see me roll my eyes in the dark theater. “Oh really, you just know who I am after meeting me last week?”

“Yes.”

Who does this punk think he is? I fumbled in my purse and looked at the girl to my right, thinking she might make some conversation. I had just moved to Virginia and was watching Sherlock Holmes with a group of friends. Somehow this guy ended up next to me.

“Well, smarty pants, why do I dress the way I do?” I was wearing dark bootcut jeans, a nice blouse and heels. My curly hair (short at the time) was rarely straightened, partially due to the labor and partially because I considered it my ‘defining factor’ in a world of straight-haired girls.

“Well let’s see,” he whispered as the movie began. “Your heels have a pointed toe, because you don’t like round toes which make you look young. You probably don’t wear flats because you like how your legs look in heels. Your jeans aren’t tight because that would be immodest; and you don’t straighten your hair or wear a lot of eye makeup because that is what most girls do in today’s culture. You want to look sophisticated and set apart. Am I right?”

I stared at him. “I – um…” He smiled winningly and I saw how long his eyelashes were silhouetted against the big screen.

“I’m right.” He whispered. Well, he might be right, but he’s wearing green plaid shorts. I crossed my arms and watched the movie. He’s funny, but not my type.

Two years later, almost to the day, I married him.

Josh and I look back and laugh on that first conversation. He was flirtatious, and I was idealistic. Neither of us found the other exceedingly attractive (read more in Why Attraction Isn’t Necessary), but we did find each other intriguing. I was confident, sassy, and convinced of my values; he was unintimidated, intelligent, and discerning. We quickly became friends, but only to “help each other out” in our separate relationship endeavors.

Funny how that goes.

As I look back on the timeline of our friendship, our dating relationship, our engagement and now our marriage of over two years, I can see why the “type” I’d imagined for years would never have worked. The intensity of my personality and unbridled opinions could only be borne by a man who both shared my values and had the confidence to soften my approach.

So why did we end up with each other, in all our teasing, door-slamming, outfit-matching way? Why didn’t our ‘types’ work out?

1. At times, we both added to and strayed from God’s type.

God’s ‘type’ of man or woman is very simple.

“And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27

That’s the overarching description. We get a little more detail from Paul about godly men in Titus 1:7-9:

“For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.”

He also talks about godly women, young and old, in his letter to Titus in 2:3-5:

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

That’s really the sum of things on God’s end. You could add in the Psalm 12 man, the Proverbs 31 woman, and a few other passages for additional guidelines; but there is one theme throughout God’s word. He’s concerned with the spirit, not the superficial.

When Josh and I both created our ‘types’ prior to meeting each other, they were primarily based on superficial interests like appearance, hobbies, likes and dislikes. But when I learned to love Josh, it wasn’t because I liked his ‘look’ or because we had a lot of common hobbies. We had common values, and I could tell he wanted the same God-priorities that I did. Our previous ‘types’ added the unnecessary to those priorities, and sometimes strayed from God’s values completely.

God taught us through our relationship that His values were all we needed for a lasting love, and that is what we’ve found.

2. Before, we looked for a relationship instead of a friendship.

We both dated a few people before we met each other, but neither of us had ever dated a friend. Maybe we both tried to play it safe, afraid of what might happen; I know on my end I was afraid of that kind of emotional intimacy. I didn’t want to let anyone close enough to see me for me. I was convinced if any man got to know me that well, he’d see my selfishness and leave.

Josh was the anomaly. That day in the movie theater he looked into my heart and knew my motives (not all of which were positive), something I had never experienced.

As he likes to say, “I can read you like I’m blind and you’re Braille.”

Our friendship was a mutual understanding. I appreciated his gestures of kindness, and even reciprocated them. Somehow he had a way of seeing my soul: the desires, the hopes, the goals and dreams, and swooping in to make those dreams a reality.

When we tried to build relationships out of thin air, founded on hobbies, interests, and superficial attraction, those relationships stumbled along shakily and eventually collapsed. They were weak. There was no backbone of friendship to sustain them. But out of our friendship developed a deeper relationship, and that relationship grew to love. His love was willing to see my selfishness for what it was and then see past it to my potential.

3. In the past, our own expectations were our measure for a mate.

In relationships, I had a few nonnegotiables. I created my “type” on top of these basic qualifications. I really prayed over those nonnegotiables and stood by them through my relationship with Josh, who met all three. It was the expectations I created in my mind – the ruffles and frills, so to speak – that had to go. Things like appearance, dress, looks, and hair color, hobbies, and different taste in music are all superficial. My expectations were developed over time as I imagined my future husband: What he would do, say, look like, and enjoy. How surprised I was to discover that real men don’t act like imaginations!

Over time I met very handsome, very rude men. I met men who shared my hobbies but didn’t have any faith to speak of. Somehow, my expectation of a man who liked ALL the same things I did and never disagreed with me was hard to find! I quickly learned husbands can’t be bought in boxes.

And that’s good, because God doesn’t want his men confined. He wants them strong, free, and bold, ready to stand up for Him and lead their families in their faith and freedom. So that’s what he gave me: An un-boxed man. An unexpected friend. God took apart my type and redefined it in the character of Josh. He loves God. He works hard. He loves me.

Life with him is banana pancakes, early gym workouts, and a secret stash of once-in-a-while cigars in his desk drawer. It’s the cross on his shoulder and ‘I love you, darling’ at night and his voice reading the Bible while I put on my makeup.

I couldn’t tell if it was the nerves, the corset, or the box of Sour Patch kids I consumed the night before, but my stomach was in shambles. I tried to breathe. The dressing room mirror ricocheted my feelings like a boomerang and I busied myself with my hair.

Today is the day.

My sisters and bridesmaids were getting ready beside me, our wonderful wedding planner, Carol, was orchestrating details, and my mother was still setting up the reception. The ceremony was hours away, and I was a bundle of jumpiness. I even snapped at my sister all because my bangs would simply NOT cooperate on the most important day of my life.

Bangs have no respect for anyone.

Our photographer came in the room. “I just saw the groom,” She smiled. “He seemed very nervous!” That made me laugh – thinking of Mr. M as nervous. The most steady, fearless, level man I know – nervous! I fidgeted with my bangs again and touched up my makeup. Only a few more hours.

They told me it would fly by, and it did. It was there and gone in the blink of an eye, one day in the span of two lifetimes. But oh, what a wonderful day! The moments are ingrained in my memory: the late night trip downtown with my girls, singing along to a local artist in a restaurant full of cold Michiganians; all of us getting ready in my sisters’ bedroom with icicles as big as floor lamps hanging outside the window; the candles and pine boughs and plaid runners at the reception, the loud meals around the table with my family – my last meals sharing a last name with them. All of it so memorable.

Then there was the moment the music swelled and I looked at Dad from behind my veil and he smiled, patted my hand on his arm and said, “We’ve had a lot of fun, haven’t we?”

Because we have.

And I walked down the aisle to my lifesong, into the arms of my lifelong love.

Some of the people present have known me from when I was a baby. Others were with me through my formative years. Many have seen me grow and learn, awkwardly and bumpily as young people do – perhaps not even realizing that they had a part in where Mr. M and I stood that day. They had a word or a hand in where we are. They were God’s voice, His hands, and His feet to us.

Mr. M and I wrote our own vows, and we didn’t share them with each other before the ceremony. Because we’re just that OCD, we decided on a font and font size and gave a limit for how much page we could use for the text, so our vows would be about the same length. The first time we heard them was the moment they were read to each other.

Mr. M’s gray eyes were misty as he read from his side of the paper:

Phylicia,

The first time I heard your voice, it was just a loud laugh blaring from my roommate’s phone. But, once I met you, it was that laugh which drew me closer to you. Laughing together, or at each other, was something we never had to learn to do. Our relationship was built on our laughter, my teasing, and your sass. But most of all, it was built on our love for Christ Jesus.

In the period that I met you I was searching for a woman who supported and encouraged me in my belief as a Christian. So when our paths crossed, I saw something different in you. I saw that you had that desire to follow the Lord and one to be with someone who shared in and even led you with a same desire.

You and I both know that when we first met, we weren’t each others’ ‘type’ when it came to looks. But, as I saw your godly desire and the beauty of your heart shining from the inside out, I began to see you transformed into the woman I always dreamed of marrying. The woman my heart sought to spend my future with was one of Proverbs 31 character. And as this transformation occurred, I saw the attributes of a virtuous woman come out of the woodwork.

You are a woman who opens her hand to the poor, dresses herself with strength and dignity (especially in those pointed-toe heels). One who makes my name known in the gates, takes care of her household, and is definitely not afraid of snow. I long to, and in moments will be your husband who calls you blessed. And I cannot wait to have children who call you blessed as well.

Before I asked you to be my girlfriend, I gave the disclaimer that I was dating with intention of marrying, essentially I was courting you and the title ‘girlfriend’ was more of a…bragging right. But really, I was courting you from the day I first met you. When I became a friend you could talk to, and someone to hold onto during the hard times.

When I said ‘I love you’ for the first time, I told you that I wanted to love you not out of infatuation but out of a love described in 1 Corinthians 13; a love that is selfless and sacrificial, kind and caring, long-suffering and never-ending. The truth is I’ve loved you from the very beginning.

I will never cease in striving to be sacrificial, selfless, long-suffering, bearing all things, whether you are sick or well, whether you are jubilant or cantankerous, young or old. I will love and cherish you always and, Phylicia, I will never, ever leave you.

I tried to see the words on my side of the page through the tears in my eyes. I was so flustered by the sweetness of his words I turned my vows backwards and upside down! Mr. M turned them back, the audience laughed, and I cleared my throat.

Joshua,

Before we ever told each other ‘I love you’ we promised we would not say those words unless we meant them in the 1 Corinthians 13 way. When we did say those words, they were not just an expression of feeling, but our commitment to be patient, kind, gentle, polite, righteous, and all the things that a godly love is supposed to be. So today as I make this commitment to you, I promise that my love will not be limited to feeling and to word, but that it will be the foundation upon which every action I take is based. Whether it is the giving of my time, how I speak to you, or honoring the plans and priorities you establish for our family, I promise to love you how God defines love.

And because you have chosen to love me unconditionally – even in the moments when I am most unlovable – I promise to respect you unconditionally. I promise to show you that respect by being a woman of virtue, building a reputation that will crown you with the honor you deserve. I promise to respect you with how I handle your provision for our family, managing your home with wisdom and discernment. I promise never to usurp your role as the head of our home and spiritual leader of our family, so that through my submission our children will every day be reminded of my love for you, their father.

I promise to be a disciple of Jesus Christ daily, that I may in turn disciple our children in His truth. I will laugh so they will laugh, I will choose joy so they will be joyful, and I will serve you, that they may learn how to give. My name, Phylicia, means ‘happy’, and yours, Joshua, means ‘God is my salvation’. Our children will be raised in a home that ‘takes joy in the salvation of our God’, for it is by His Grace that we stand here today.

So here, surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, I enter into a covenant of love with you. This covenant is more than just a promise. In Scripture, covenant was never complete without a sacrifice. So it is with my covenant to you. In the course of our marriage, in times of difficulty or disagreement, my covenant requires I sacrifice my desires, my way, and my self to maintain unity of love with you. And I promise to do so. There may be times we don’t feel happy, but we are being made holy, and this sanctification is God’s goal and our glory.

In a letter to me in December of 2012, you wrote:

“Walk with me, darling, into the light of His glory, and stand by me as we persevere in order to achieve his ultimate and perfect plan for us.”

I promise to walk with you and stand by you until we stand again together on the other side of heaven.

I handed the vows to our pastor and looked into the eyes of my soon-to-be husband. They were glassy behind his long eyelashes, and I could tell he was trying not to cry. He squeezed my hands and mouthed, I love you.

Soon it was, “With this ring…”

And then the words we’d been waiting on for 18 months… “…you may now kiss your bride.”

And I became Mrs. M.

Today I pulled a book off my shelf called Satisfy My Thirsty Soul. As I flipped through the pages, a small paper fell onto my desk. It had no date, but I recognized my own handwriting from six years prior.

“As strange as it may sound, the voice of my husband could never be more dear to me than if he asked, “Will you pray with me?” My answer of ‘yes’ would resound with more love and admiration than that same word would have when he proposed. That question – ‘would you pray with me?’ – is the question I long to answer even more than his marriage proposal.”

God has answered that desire, hidden as it was in the pages of a book, in the character of my husband. One of the marks of his godliness has always been his leadership in prayer. Every meal guarantees his hand open to mine; each time the pastor leads us in prayer in church, I feel Mr. M’s arm gather me in and I know he is listening to every word. The times we’ve fought and argued I’ve heard the quiet whisper of his prayer on our behalf. He not only battles for me – for us – he battles with me, inviting me in, asking: Will you pray with me?

He has not only made my dreams come true, he is my dream come true.

Dreams don’t just happen. They begin in our hearts and are worked out in our lives, hard-won in time and tears. My journey through discontent, anxiety, failure, anger, frustration and fear (a journey on which I often dragged parents, siblings, and friends) has landed me here, married to this godly man who is so much more than I deserve. That, my friends, is the grace of God. If you looked at the transcript of my words, thoughts, and actions, it would be full of peaks and valleys: moments of intimacy and dependence upon God followed by independence and disbelief. I’ve done nothing to deserve this. The day I walked down the aisle on my father’s arm, I walked in my Father’s favor. It is His grace that has blessed me so.

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Overcomers gather here. I'm Phylicia, and I believe in abundant life, practically. In singleness or marriage, work or home, we don't have to live in defeat! Join me to learn how to apply God's Word and preach the gospel with your life. View Full Profile

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