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ISBN: 978-0-9758456-5-3

Layout and Design: Katharine Middleton

2

Saving Our Adolescents

Dedication

This book is dedicated to those parents, families and friends who
have lost an adolescent through accident, illness, suicide or as a
result of crime.

This is especially dedicated to my dear friend and graphic designer,
Katharine Middleton who lost her very best friend in a tragic accident
before they had a chance to realise their shared dreams; however,
not before they became the absolute best of friends.

Millions [of children] are growing up under conditions that do not meet their
enduring needs for optimal development. They are not receiving the careful,
nurturing guidance they need—and say they want—from parents and other
adults.
The Carnegie Report, 1995.

In traditional kinship communities the responsibility of adults to prepare
adolescents for adulthood is taken very seriously. Boys are mentored or guided
by men, and girls are prepared by women. The tasks and life skills that young
people need in order to be capable adults are taught until an adolescent has
mastered the required skill and maturity level required by the tribe. Without
these skills they’re not initiated into adulthood. Initiations often take place
through ceremony, after which adolescents are formally recognised as adults.
This rite of passage sometimes requires physical challenge and pain, ensuring
this step is not taken lightly.
In our modern world we have no formal rite of passage to acknowledge that an
adolescent is now an adult, and many of our young people have been abandoned
from the guidance required to grow into responsible adults. The development
of the modern world has dissolved many traditional family and community
structures that provided teaching and guidance for adolescents on their bumpy
road to adulthood. This weakening of social capital has come at a high price with
increasing numbers of depressed, unemployed and homeless adolescents, and
15

Saving Our Adolescents

a higher death rate from suicide and accidents. Adolescents need adults to help
them build their resilience and competence at a time when they’re pulling away
from their primary guiding source: their parents.
A major contributor to the worsening mental health of Zeds (Generation Zed
encompasses young people aged 17 and under) is less support from families,
with fewer functioning adults around and a lessened sense of community.
Professor Ian Hickie, Executive Director, Brain and Mind Institute, University of Sydney.

This is not just within communities, it is also within families and schools—the
two other main support structures for adolescents. Today’s world functions
at an unhealthy speed using technology that reduces human interaction. The
vital window of adolescence is where the evolving child adapts to become
more mature and adult-like. But, it seems the adult world has stepped back
and left our adolescents without the guidance and support they need to grow
into healthy citizens. You cannot learn about managing human relationships or
develop life skills by watching Home and Away—or using Google™ to search for
answers!
Never have so many people lived so far from extended family, or outside
traditional communities where adults served as collective parents for all
a neighbourhood’s young people. These developments have reduced our
social capital; the relationships that bind people together and create a sense
of community. We must find ways to deal with our profound loss of social
connectedness.
Father Chris Riley, Youth off the Streets.

Father Chris Riley works daily with adolescents and young adults who are lost.
They are not bad, damaged or useless—they are lost. Their bumpy ride to
adulthood was a journey without enough loving support and they have been
scarred by their choices. Father Riley was asked, ‘How can you help these nohopers?’ He replied, ‘It’s quite easy to help these young people. They all improve
with compassion, kindness, food and a safe place to live.’
This is exactly what kinship communities offered when adolescents stepped
away from their parents in their effort to claim independence and autonomy.
There were other adults to keep an eye out, guide and support them. These
other supports can be extended family, it can also be people who care enough
to be there. I call them ‘lighthouses’.
A lighthouse represents something that is strong, reliable and immovable, and
shines a light showing safe passage. It does not tell you to do something, it simply
shows you a safer way to go. A lighthouse says, if you want to do something
really risky and smash on the rocks below where I stand, then be my guest, but
16

What is a ‘lighthouse’ and why do adolescents need them?

I won’t rescue you. I will keep the light shining so that next time you remember
how painful your last choice was and you might choose to follow the safer way
where my light shines.
Key attributes of a lighthouse
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•

Solid and reliable.
Offers protection.
Well informed about adolescent development.
Friendly.
Shines a light in the darkness.
Models healthy adulthood.
Offers silent guidance.
Gives hope.
Committed to the greater good of all, not just the pursuit of self.

Lighthouses have to be able to develop a relationship that allows them to sow
seeds of potential and shines a light on the invisible sign that hangs around
every adolescents’ neck:

Many adolescents feel invisible, unheard or that they just don’t matter. It took
me a while to realise this when I was teaching. It started to dawn on me when
I noticed that some mornings as I headed from the staff car park to the English
office, a student or two would be leaning on the brick wall that was on my
route. These were students I had approached separately the previous day at
lunch. They were not in any of my classes, but I had noticed how lonely they
looked eating lunch by themselves. Recognising this reaction, I searched for
the students who sat alone, had obvious physical challenges or appeared to be
avoiding their mainstream peer groups. I learned their names and made sure I
smiled when I saw them, and I even acknowledged them in the street. It didn’t
take long before the row of students who greeted me every morning grew to
more than a dozen—some days up to 20. The simple act of being noticed made
these students feel better. It may not have seemed like a big thing in the scheme
17

Saving Our Adolescents

of the curriculum, but it was huge for the students. This is an example of how we
can all pause a little in our busy lives and shine that light.
Every adolescent needs a lighthouse to help them navigate the
uncertain waters of adolescence.
Lighting the flame of potential, while being realistic about adolescent
development, is extremely important. Young people are hard on themselves
and adept at self-criticism and self-sabotage, and often get stuck in patterns of
limitation. Lighthouses can help them see beyond these limitations. Lighthouses
do not rescue, advise or make judgements on an adolescent’s behaviour, instead
they act as a mirror so the young person can see the world from a different
perspective.
The benefits of a lighthouse
Many adolescents learn how to be trustworthy from the lighthouses in their
life. These adults are helpful in the role they play by using good communication,
helping to build life skills and having the courage to connect deeply. Lighthouses
shed light on the pathway to adulthood and beyond. They are respectful,
reliable, responsive and reciprocal. They provide an open door and retreat, no
matter when, what or why.
During times of conflict lighthouses shine a light of reason, encouragement and
acceptance. Adolescents often have poor skills around life management, planning
for the future and coping with their chaotic emotional worlds. Lighthouses are
like a personal life coach.
In my staff seminar I challenge teaching staff to take on a special ‘project’ every
year. I encourage them to aim to connect with and shine a light on a student who
has a bad reputation, or is obviously struggling on the bumpy road to adulthood.
Immediately I see the looks on their faces as they recall a student whom they
have helped in the past—and they know how good that connection made them
feel. In the parent seminar I challenge parents to do the same for a niece or a
nephew, a neighbour or any adolescent with whom they connect. Step forward
and shine that light. You will be staggered by the potential it can activate in an
adolescent who thinks no one cares.
People who have had a strong connection with a strong positive role model
during adolescence are much more resilient throughout their life.
Bahr, N. and Pendergast, D., The Millennial Adolescent, (2007).

Lighthouses can be people who play a large role in an adolescent’s life like a
coach, teacher, aunty or family friend. Sometimes they appear only for a short
time, but in that time manage to sows seeds of potential, give ideas or show
through their actions and words something new and helpful.
18

What is a ‘lighthouse’ and why do adolescents need them?

A farmer approached me after a seminar one night and thanked me for helping
him realise something important. He told me that many years ago a neighbouring
father died suddenly, leaving behind a wife and three children—two girls and a
10-year-old boy. At times he would take the boy on long truck trips to Perth
where they listened to whatever sport was happening—cricket or football. They
would eat junk food and chocolate, drink soft drink, and fart and burp like young
boys. The farmer would also take him to local sporting events, and sometimes
just take him for a ride on the quad bikes. He never mentioned the boy’s Dad or
asked how he was coping, and for years had felt he had not done enough. When
the boy left the farm and went to university he would still call occasionally and
visit. He would throw a swag on the floor, stay a few days and ride the quad bikes
or drive the trucks. Then he would leave again. The farmer finally realised he had
been a lighthouse in this boy’s life, and the fact the young man came ‘home’
occasionally just to spend time with someone who had cared meant the world
to him. How important was that relationship in that boy’s life? I’d say life saving!
It’s often not the big stuff, but the small stuff that can make a difference.
Human connectedness is a profound influence in all our lives and it’s even more
important during the years of adolescent change. Our individualistic material
world has made it very difficult for adolescents to find their true selves because
they have so many distractions overloading their mind. Having stable, charismatic
adult mentors can make the difference between thriving and flourishing, or
struggling and failing.
The influence of a potential role model is increased when, in the eyes of the
young person, they fulfil the following criteria:
•

Attractiveness—physical and emotional.

•

Social power—reward and punishment.

•

Status—perceived importance of the role model.

•

Competence—specifically in the areas of shared interest.

•

Nurturance—perceived concern for the observer.

•

Interaction level—degree of contact.

•

Similarity—characteristics in common or expected due to similar life
experiences or genetic heritage.

Bahr, N et al. The Millennial Adolescent (2007)

19

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