Sunday, July 12, 2009

This is about new daters/couples and the biggest mistakes they make when starting their friendship or relationship. Despite what you or anyone else feels, rushing into a relationship does not = relationship security and knowledge of your partner. It is evident that there is ONE key to helping you know someone as a relationship partner and as a friend and that is TIME.

Some people think that they can spend 24/7 with their partner and that would be sort of a substitute for knowing each other over a year or so and that is FALSE. There are NO shortcuts to knowing someone. Spending 24/7 with a person is only a shortcut to ensuring failure for the future of the relationship. With some people I witness (and im sure you know about this) something I call the intro of DOOM. This is the period when things are new (Generally within 0-6 months of knowing someone); the couple spends TOO much time together and greatly reduces talk time and personal interactions with their FRIENDS, FAMILIES, other relationships and their original lifestyle.
This is VERY bad, I can assure you in the 50-100 relationships I have seen from friends, family or associates, only about ONCE has this method led into a long term relationship, and it's very rare. It seems people think "Oh if my partner wants to spend 24/7 with me, that must me they love me"…NO. To me, it means either YOU are crazy…THEY are crazy, or BOTH of you are just silly.

From the sample of rushed relationships I have given advice on, I see some common reasons that people push to rush in a relationship:

1. They want to make you the center of their lives before you find out about their history. Basically they want you to get very tied-in the relationship before you find out or realize why nobody else may have stayed them.

2. The person has a hard time of being single and alone. Their last relationship probably ended anytime between 0-4 months before you met them. My friends…..THAT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN. The inability to be alone is related to mental health issues whether people know this or not. Face paced relationships serve as a distraction away from their other feelings and issues.

3. The person has child(ren), maybe not financially stable so they seek a partner who can serve as a person for their children to look up to, help watch the children and/or be a second source of income to help with financial stress. They are so anxious to get that last part of their puzzle (a man or a woman) that they rush a marriage to do so.

For a suggestion, if you see someone 24/7, 20/7 or even 7 days a week…STOP!! Not only is it unhealthy it can also help you see what type of person you are dealing with if they can accept the change of pace in the relationship. For a new relationship to work, BOTH people MUST make OTHER plans, see friends and don't be so available to the person you are dating. Your friends may not wanna see your partner every time they see you. Life exists outside of the relationship so its up to you to act like it. Your partner may not like it but if they are not crazy, then they will honor it. People who are INSECURE or potentially DANGEROUS people will blame problems on you or make you feel guilty for wanting to talk to/hang with friends or wanting time AWAY from them. This should be a red flag as to whether this person is someone safe to date.

Rushing a relationship—whether it's dating 24/7, moving in early together, or marrying within the first year is a mistake that renders not enough time to TRULY know a person. This includes the persons 'true' (as opposed to 'stated') background, their character, and maybe their own dangerousness. It takes sufficient TIME to build a HEALTHY relationship. It takes no time at all to IMITATE one.

My predictions for those who 1. Move in together 2. Get into a relationship or 3. Claim they are in love with a person within the first 4 months of knowing them, their relationship will be doomed by the 6th month. And if they stay together, one of the partners will not be happy at all, it may be the convenience and sex that keeps them there for an extended time rather than their actual connection keeping them around……Think about it people…..you get what you pay for(since TIME IS MONEY).

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comments:

very well said... i rushed into my first relationship just for the sake of having a boyfriend and experiencing all those feelings... the worst part of it was that it was an online relationship so i did not really know what he was like.. i had thought of him to be of a certain way and when i actually saw the real him.. that's when i snapped back into reality! I realized there was no attraction: both mental and physical.. we were very different people.. i tried to break it off once but was unable to do so as he was very emotional.. and it was difficult to end it after investing so much time although it was a disappointment... like you said it was convinient... i sort of got used to it.. it wasn't until later on that we broke up due to some circumstances.. although at the time i did not want to as i saw it all coming down but hey y stay in a relationship just because you are used to it and are scared of a change? but, soon after the break up i felt releived! now i am with the most wonderful guy and have been with him for four years, i can truly say that i know him very well and we have a very good emotional bond, we are very compatible, attracted to each other both physically and mentally (a dumb guy is a big turn off for me)... i think the youth really needs to be informed of this so they can make better decisions for themself...

Hey thats great to hear!! See, I try to tell people when you break away from the "wrong" situations, you WILL eventually run into the RIGHT one without the stipulations of why to stay around. Thanks for commenting too!

i have to partially disagree with your theory, alot of my peers and collegues from college have very much rushed a relationship including me and many of them are still going strong even though the novelty has worn out although i partially have to agree because there is nothing like an 16 year old teen who is legal to leave home under there own will and regretably turn there back to there family and friends and move in with a partner, although i am convinced when people say to me that i have just experienced love at first sight and quote - i have fallen in love with someone i have not yet met you can see the sparkle in the eyes of that person but know not to build hopes up to watch them crumble but as you mentioned time is the key to build a relationship but its also the key to move on after you have tried * it is better to have loved and lost than to be never loved at all* yours faithfully callum wheeler

my first relationship i believe was rushed.. sadly because i gave my virginity to him.. and to make matters worse he was the older brother of my best friend.. now their entire family hates me.. sucks. :(

i wish i read something like this about 2 months into the relationship, when his sister told him things about me resulting in a dramatic turn into our relationship. i was unhappy..

i also have to add he was in love with me and told me so a few days after his birthday.. he touched my heart and made me cry when he said it to me.. he asked if i needed to say anything to him, and feeling obligated i told him i loved him too when i still felt i was getting to know him.. but i can tell you when i look at our relationship now from the distance time has given me to see i realize everything that happened and was said did mean something. otherwise there would have not been such a motive to partake in spending time together twenty four seven.. im taking the good memories from him and leaving the bad. i guess thats why i miss him.

Very very good info. I've rushed into a relationship (which turned into a marriage, which then turned into a divorce 6 months later) and now I know better. I'm seeing a new guy now whom I think is amazing, and we are taking all the right steps to building a good relationship. Slow and steady, getting to know each other, hanging out once or twice a week, and enjoying the things together that we both are interested in. There's no titles involved, just a mutual respect for each others feelings. Taking our time and having fun. If someone is worth your future, they will take time in the present to build that solid foundation needed for a lasting relationship. :)

My ex has done all the above !! met him on line in Jan moved him in March but was still seeing me unill March and now they are always falling out we have two kids but he wont let her talk to me about them and he been married twice and has four kids she also lost her dad in march and then he moved in with her and well he is there 24/7 and she has no space or the kids have no mum time and if i do get to see her he has ago at her !!!! but can she see what he like ho and also if she dose get time to go out he says you been to see him meaning me

Great advice. I am always taken aback when friends of mine fall in love in 30 days and make plans to marry less than 6 months into the relationship - if you can even call it that. People no longer respect boundaries. They have no regard for their emotional well being. I have a friend in a similar situation. She met this guy and right away he tells her he wants to get married. She tells me to save the date - at that point, I didn't even know she was in a relationship, let alone a serious one, contemplating marriage. She didn't want to tell me what I was saving the date for though. She finally told me a few weeks later... -_- Yep, you guessed it. That was my exact facial expression. Since when do people bypass the courtship? The getting to know one another stage; because, as you hinted at, everyone is on their best behavior the first 6 months. Some are tactfully well behaved even longer. Those are the ones that are eager/determined to get you locked in so they can unleash the beast on you. LOL. There are a series of events that led up to this. There were a few other potential mates whom she really liked and considered testing the waters. Guess none of them bit the bait fast enough so out comes this guy who she's never mentioned anything about until telling me to save the date. Come to find out she has known him for 6 months. Um, you cannot be seriously considering committing your life/heart/spirit to a man you don't even know. That really annoyed me. Up until this point, she's been pretty open. We talk about everything; life, matters of the heart, men, relationships, marriage, spiritual matters, etc... Nothing is off limits. That's a thing of the past now. I am really concerned, but I am also learning to keep my mouth shut because once people - even friends, ask you for advice, they don't always like what you say even though you give them a mouthful of the truth. I am learning to hold back, doc. Truth is, I won't be surprised if they do get married, but I also won't be surprised if (when) they get a divorce. I've seen it too many times. I am not naive. It takes a lot to pull the wool over my eyes. Her boyfriend/fiancé isn't saying things about me to her for no reason. If you know you are making a choice based on what God has said to you there is no need to speak harshly about me or berate me to someone that is supposed to be my friend. As always, I will be here waiting when this blows up in her face... Hate to say it, but I've been down this road countless times. Same script, different cast. In this case, same script, same actor, different supporting actor. \o/ <---- me throwing my hands up. Lol.

I disagree. Their is not a formula or a sure way to make a realtionship work. Relationships fall apart all the time it has nothing to do with the time you have known someone. If its meant to work it will and if it wasnt it wont. Bottom line you never know someone you only know what they decide to show you. More or less their representative. The only person that knows you is you. And not everything is based around money. Their are people who genuinely want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. You can make a judgement based on what you have experienced or what you have seen happen. Because it then makes you opinion and outlook biased. Which isnt fair to the ones who are actually doing the right thing.

Thanks for the food for thought. I found this page by searching "when relationship is rushed" I have a new man in my life (two months), and he seems ready to jump in with both feet. He is edgng on telling me he loves me (he nearly slipped yesterday), but I have told him I am more cautious because I have more dating experience than he does. I quite like him, we seem to be a good fit, but he always seems a step ahead of me emotonally.

i agree kinda thanks, i am 14 and am in a relationship with a boy who is 13...he is really great and nice and caring and fun but i dont feel the spark i think i should. the reason why is that he wants to cudle with me. he wants me to feel something i dont. and he knows tht. i tell him. i like to be touched by him but he is rushing it for sure. I like the feeling of thinking i want to lov ehim but i dont in the end. WHAT DO I DO??????? i know ifi tell him i will break his heart, but at the same time, I do want all those things he is giving me, i just dont know if im ready. thx

Thanks for this. I have been highly depressed over being dumped by my ex. I loved her so much and still do. Maybe one day she'll realize this and appreciate me. I am deeply hurt because I truly believed she was in it for the long haul. She has, I recently learned, got into a serious relationship and became engaged within 2 months!!! Ludicrious! That's not even close enough to the time required to truly get to know each other. I feel guilty wishing her failure in this endeavor but also a sense of well-being knowing it won't last. Maybe that's wrong, but I'm so sick of hearing how great he is!!!

Ahh time... my ex dumped me 2 months ago after 7 mo relationship which I figured out later.. he started 4 months after his long term relationship ended.He said"Let's go slow"cause his last relationship ended badly.I respected him,so I did.After he dumped me,he got another girlfriend within 3 weeks,been together a month & guess what she went with him to a family reunion. So I question myself... did I do the right thing?I am thinking I dodged a bullet... if he can move on so fast after his last two relationships.. I think that really says something about his mental state. Fyi... his last long term relationship he started4 months after his wife passed away...yeah.. thinking maybe starting fast.. really doesn't work out?

i like this theory, i agree with the stressing on the TIME in getting into a relationship.I never committed into a relationship with any man before, and when i tried, it just didn't work, all of them appeared to be immature and made me feel insecure when they tried sweet talking and having the immature thoughts as such of assuming we are in need of them where actually its vice versa. I like man who thinks practically, and the level of understanding in giving spaces and not always expecting us to text them 24/7. Im texting with a guy who is a year older than me, we started to chat for almost only two months plus, and he's the same as my other previous attempts, this guy is knowledgable where he proves he reads alot.But when it comes to reality, he's like nothing, as in, he does nothing much in life. He's studying as i am too. I wanted to chat like not that often and also want to know and learn about him as i had a slight interest in him at first.But its gone now since he kept texting almost all day long,and i missed being the 'old me'(alone,with family and usual friends). I am just fed up with these characters.Why don't they just take their time too? to know me, and to give me my space.Its as if once they stop chatting and im running to another guy. They are insecure but kind at heart,which made me feel that they don't deserve to be harshly treated.So, im avoiding and its hard to make them understand that they are rushing and its making us uneasy. And to talk about future being and doing things together... only two months plus of trying to know each other and they are already planning ahead like that? Sigh.

I was with my ex for 14 months. It was the craziest roller-coaster ride I have ever been on. It grew into an abusive R/S on both sides, but she was definitely the first one to start the patterns and led me down a path of mental anguish and confusion I still have not recovered from. She moved so fast and her life was so screwed up that it nearly scared me away with 3 weeks after meeting her. She was beautiful and there was something about her that made me powerless, so I ignored every red flag I saw, which there were about 20. After month 2, I tried keeping boundaries, she seemed to spiral out of control when it came to everything. She lost 2 jobs, and had a lot of drama with her son and ex husband. It was around this time I found her cheating on me with random men (2) she met while out binge drinking. She then admitted she was bipolar, I stayed to help her and get her into treatment. Long story short, in the end she left ME, and moved in with another man within 3 months after we were over (she started seeing him during end of our R/S). She wrote to me in emails post break up (last one was just last week) that she was doing this (moving in with him) because she was losing her house, her kid needed a father figure and that she had some love for him. I asked her if she was in love with him and had passion, she said no that he would never give her that and I was only man that could. Said he was her security. Well this was all through e-mail, and I sent her new guy every part of the conversation. She lashed out at me and flipped out, but I didn't care. From what I hear, he is still going to allow her to move in and she is getting what she wants. What do you guys see ending up to her? Why and how can someone live like this?

I was with my ex for 6 yrs , we have been separated for 6 months but stuck in the grey area going back and forth , he told me that he loves me and would never want to be with anyone else and would be with me no matter what it takes !! Making me wonder if I'd made a mistake . anyhow 2 days later he is in a full blown relationship ( although I found out after 2 weeks of them been together ) he had gone to her house 2 days after meeting her and declaring his love for me , and never left her house . they have been together 6 weeks now , living together , met parents and have dropped the l bomb ! I don't understand how nobody else sees the huge red flags ! Is this doomed to fail ?