Tag Archives: The Freaks

Now let me be clear. It is not the Legfreak (Usain Bolt). No, the stilt is but a simple circus performer. The paying public comes from far and wide to witness its bizarrely long legs and the wonders they can do.[1]

Special powers

Well, obviously, there’s the leg. And nearly as important, the other leg.

Unlike many birds who stand on long legs (looking at you, ostrich), the stilt can still fly.

Weaknesses

The stilt is one of the top three easiest birds to knock over.[2]

Every year, around the time of Seagull Pride Week, someone mistakes the stilt for a member of the parade.

Number of legs

Two.

Favorite video game

Blinx: The Time Sweeper.

What if it fought a bear?

The stilt would elude the bear by a convoluted course of near Rube Goldbergian complexity.

Though a relatively simple example, notice the randomly wandering path akin to Billy from Family Circus. “Circus?” See a connection?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Not my favorite act at the circus, but there’s much worse. And what is up with those “peanuts” anyway? You’re not fooling anyone, circus. You’ve never had a peanut in your life. Please, circus, can you just tell the truth? We’re not mad at you for not knowing what a peanut is. We’re just concerned.

5/10

[1]For example: Tap dance.

[2]The three are agreed on, but their exact order is a subject of much debate amongst animal-tipping enthusiasts.

If you didn’t know better (and you probably don’t), you might think this is just a normal shrew:

WRONG.

Wrong. This is the hero shrew. Non-hero shrews draw their inspiration from this noble beast, which is their protector and paragon of shrew virtues.[1]

Special powers

Well, it is a paragon of shrew virtues. When it has the strength of its convictions, it is as strong as ten shrews plus two.

The hero shrew’s signature power, though, is its unbelievably powerful spine with lots of large, thick vertebrae, all of them interlocking.

Check it out.

The hero shrew’s go-to move is letting much larger animals stand on it, only to shrug them off, tripping and confusing them. How can this be, when the shrew is so tiny? The hero shrew’s secret is that it is the Spinefreak.

Weaknesses

Weirdly, the hero shrew is allergic to kryptonite. It’s not from Krypton or anything – not any more than my cousin Randall is from Shrimpton. It’s just a coincidence.

Number of legs

Four.

Favorite video game

WWF WrestleMania 2000.

Sister species

There is a second sort of hero shrew, only recently discovered, first described last month. Its name is Thor’s hero shrew, named for the Norse god it serves. Much as Odin sends the raven to Midgard, Thor is assisted in this realm by Thor’s hero shrew. It has less lightning at its disposal than you might guess.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear can step on it all it wants, the hero shrew shall not be moved.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It stands for what is good and just. It battles the agents of Loki and rock trolls of all kinds. It makes a mean panini. Is it too soon to say… best shrew ever?

Merriam-Webster defines the cheetah as something that never prospers. Anyone who knows the cheetah knows that this simply isn’t true.

The cheetah doesn’t wield the organizational power and influence of the lion, but it does have an extensive personal fortune at its disposal, thanks to its ongoing success in racing.

Special powers

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal on the globe. The only real competition at its level are history’s most elite racers. The cheetah has had particularly intense rivalries with Burt Munro, Seabiscuit (Tobey Maguire), Usain Bolt the Legfreak*, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, Takashi the Drift King, Twista, the echidna, Captain Douglas Falcon, Racer X, Mario Andretti, and Wario Andretti.

Douglas rued the day he asked the cheetah to “show {him} {his} moves.”

The last rival nearly ended the cheetah’s career in 1994 with an illegal koopa shell maneuver, but the cheetah has since returned to the sport faster than ever, completing the dreaded Kessel Run in a mere 10.4 parsecs.

Weaknesses

Besides low-down, desperate stunts with koopa shells, not much can slow the cheetah down. The tragic irony is that its inability to slow down is exactly what strains its relationships with family and friends.**

Number of legs

Four.

Vocalization

It has been said by many seemingly reputable sources that the cheetah can not roar. The truth is that it can, but it chooses not to. Between you and me, I think it just knows that the lion is better at it and is just too embarrassed to even try. Not that the cheetah would ever admit such an insecurity.

Fur characteristics

Speaking of things the lion does better, did you know there is such a thing as a cheetah mane?

The cheetah is a rarity in the animal kingdom: a camera whore. It nets you cool poses like this.

The cheetah has one only as a youth, however, as it falls out in adolescence in a sort of mirror of the lion gaining one in puberty. Both big cats celebrate the occasion of gaining or losing a mane as a symbol of the transition from cubhood to adulthood. And that’s what a cat mitzvah is.

Leadership prophecy

“Into every generation a king cheetah is born: one cheetah in all the world, a chosen one. He alone will wield the speed and skill to do the really, really big loop we built. On this basis, he shall lead us.”

The cheetah seer’s words have been proven true thus far. How effective a leader the king cheetahs have been and whether building the loop was a waste of resources: these are up for debate.

What if it fought a bear?

With getaway sticks like those, it doesn’t need to stand and fight anybody.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

While the cheetah is devoted to the purity of the sport of racing, in all other aspects of its life, it is sorely lacking in moral compunction. Witness its crumbling personal life, its constant gazelle-killing, its frequent pranks on unwitting drive-thru operators, etcetera. But under all the bravado and emotional distance, there’s a very fuzzy kitty underneath.

Isn’t there? Isn’t there, boy?

7.5/10

*Please consult the blobfish post for more on Bolt and his fellow Freaks.

I received several animal requests last week. Of all these animals to get posts, the blobfish is definitely the first. The first, and the… let’s say blobbiest.

WWHHHOOOAAA

…I thought I was ready. I wasn’t ready. Let’s acknowledge this right now: The blobfish is bizarre and, by most any definition, gross with a capital G, R, O, and Ses. It is largely unknown to most people – or so they think. In fact, the blobfish can be observed every day in many newspapers.

They call it “Ziggy.” It thinks itself a man.

Special powers

Ziggy is just one creature, though. You may think him a lonely outcast. However, the blobfish is just one of an elite few. The most famous of this group is Criss Angel, the Mindfreak, but there is also the blobfish, the Skinfreak; Usain Bolt, the Legfreak; Black Bolt, the Throatfreak; and a handful of others whose identities have been protected.

All of this is to say that the blobfish can change its shape as it pleases.

Weaknesses

Its muscles are mostly useless. The blobfish spends most of its life floating in place, eating whatever passes by. It’s not very discerning.

Number of legs

Are you kidding? It barely has anything, much less legs.

Mental disorders

The blobfish suffers from seasonal orientation-sadness affective disorder, or “S.O.-S.A.D.” Complicating matters is the fact that it lives near the bottom of the ocean, so it always seems like basically the same weather and thus the blobfish is pretty much uniformly depressed year-round. It does buck up around St. Patrick’s Day, though. It likes the parades.

Innovations

At one point in the ’60s, a number of people – mostly hippies and good-for-nothings – became convinced that Freaks had all the answers. They sought out the Mindfreak (who was at that point still in his scarf-loving fourth form), the Liverfreak, and ultimately the Skinfreak. The blobfish couldn’t offer much in the way of useful advice, but it gave its deep-sea-diving pupils more mournful sighs than they ever could have hoped for. It also wiped its face on a shirt, giving one of those hippies the idea for the “frowny face.”

Like this, but less dumb.

What if it fought a bear?

Are you kidding? It barely does anything, much less fight.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The blobfish is a pathetic creature, to be sure. With a mug like that, it just never got a chance, but on the other hand it doesn’t apply itself much anyway. It should also be said that I don’t care for the Freaks’ politics. The blobfish is, at egg, a good heart; it’s a shame it associates itself with them.