Friday, October 12, 2007

A panic stricken GOP, shocked and dismayed by Al Gore winning a Nobel Peace Prize for his valuable work and insights regarding global warming, have petitioned pResident bush to declare the Peace Prize Committee a terrorist organization, to start planning a first-strike bombing mission on Norway, and for bush to declare all winners of the Nobel Peace Prize to be terrorist sympathizers whose bank accounts could be frozen until the GOP can find a way to minimize Mr. Gore's achievement or until the next GOP convention has been paid for with Gore's money.

GOP leaders in both houses of congress immediately filed non-binding resolutions to condemn Mr. Gore, state categorically that global warming is a figment of Mr. Gore's imagination, and that the GOP is right just because they say so. The resolution would also authorize the use of American Armed Forces to track down and kidnap for rendition to a country authorized to use torture, preferably the United States, any scientist supporting Mr. Gore's hysterical ranting, and to give the president the further authority to commit genocide in any country that is a signatory to the Kyoto Accord, the most pernicious group of terrorist states in existence and a greater threat to America than al-Qaeda.

A senior maladministration official, who requested anonymity because he is the vice president, snarled savagely, "This is just another slap-in-the-face to all our fine military men who are fighting terrorism and global warming over there so that we don't have to fight it here on the streets of America. This shows that Democrats, the "stop global warming party" are just a bunch of sniveling cowards too ignorant to understand that by even discussing global warming they are giving aid and comfort to our enemies, and, further, they are revealing information of such secrecy that even I haven't been told." He continued, "Traitors these people, these democrats are. When the president told America to go shopping they spent their time working to undermine everything for which we stand. When Democrats look back on 9-11 all they see is the massive pollution and deadly air that Rudy and bush failed to warn New Yorkers about. Everything changed after 9-11, and while we neocons work hard to spread American hegemony and democracy at the barrel of a gun, all these pusillanimous pussy-footing Democrats want to do is save the planet that we neocons are so close to destroying. You can fight terrorists or you can fight global warming and it's clear on which side the Democrats are."

One NASA scientist, speaking through the gag in his mouth, thus making it impossible to understand his name, commented that there is no consensus on the subject of global warming. "Why, just this morning I conducted an highly scientific poll of the three scientists we have left on staff here and two out of three confirmed through their government "minders" that there is no such thing as global warming. The third scientist, who disagreed, is not available to give an interview, as he and his family just shipped out and are now conducting research in Antarctica. They report that it is very cold there and there is no sign of global warming."

CNN news reader Heidi Collins, interviewing Miles O'Brien, again pointed out that there was no consensus as to whether global warming is really happening. To his credit Mr. O'Brien immediately told Heidi that there were "no serious scientists" that disagreed with Mr. Gore's analysis of the problem and that only fringe groups of scientists of questionable qualifications challenged the accuracy of the scientific findings of reputable scientists.

CNN reported after a break that Mr. O'Brien's new assignment would be to cover the global warming problem with the lone scientist and his family in Antarctica, that his plane had already left the ground, making Mr O'Brien unavailable for any further statements or interviews.

Another anonymous White House national homeland security official not authorized to speak on behalf of the administration made herself available for pictures of her scantily-clad body to be shown on the Fixed Noise Business show while prominent financial experts who know nothing of science debunk the myth of global warming on the basis that the stock market has recovered and that America's "economy is strong" as long as you refuse to believe in global warming while viewing scantily-clad government officials who are not gay.

pResident bush, when reached for comment, said nothing while his head grew ever larger until it exploded. When he recovered his composure he said, "This is exactly why we must grant retroactive immunity to telephone companies. To acknowledge that global warming exists is dangerous, as it alerts our enemies to the sources and methods of torturing scientists until they agree there is no such thing, even though the world knows I only torture people who deserve it. Democrats think they can use this issue to force an override of my veto of the S-CHIP insurance program for health care for poor childrens. They can't have it both ways. Either there is global warming that will kill all the little childrens or there is not. If the Democrat leaders don't send me a clean bill on this, okaying sending more troops to Iraq and authorizing an attack on Iran, then the United States will seek sanctions on global warming through the U.N. Security Council. I'm hoping this can be done with diplomacy, but I'm not taking any options off the table, especially the use of nuclear weapons."

When finally reached for comment about being the recipient of such a prestigious award, Mr. Gore had a single word response, "Cool!"

His critics immediately latched onto this statement as proof Gore was wrong about global warming. Said one, "First he claims there is global warming, now he says it's 'cool'; which is it Mr. Flip-Flop? How can you be trusted when you vacillate back and forth in this manner?"

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