Month: December 2015

I know….it’s been FOREVER since I wrote to you. I tried around Thanksgiving and simply couldn’t do it. I’m here now though…..sort of.

Thanksgiving was beautiful. Rick was here. Mom and Jeff were here. Danny’s family and friends. Thirty some folks in all. I felt present and happy. With that presence came missing you. I’ll admit, I cried a few times. But that’s okay. It’s all about the firsts. I’ve already written about that. But we’re still working our way through the year, and there’s still a lot of firsts to come. And dad, everyone keeps saying you’re always with me, and while I sometimes THINK I feel you with me, I’m actually not really sure. What does it feel like? When are you here? Right now you feel more absent than present. Maybe I’m just tired and unaware. Maybe it’s just a phase. But really, maybe I’m just fucking exhausted.

On Sleeping

I took some sleep aids for a while to try and sleep, and while it seemed to “work”, I’m not sure it REALLY WORKED. Like for real WORKED. I think when I take a sleep aid, I just don’t remember not sleeping. And that DOES have it’s benefits. I don’t feel as anxious about not sleeping, which is good. But I also don’t feel rested. Ever. I need to work on the sleep thing. Do you know what the not sleeping is doing to me? Well, let me start by saying I can’t remember how to sing certain things. It’s like I have something neurological going on. I can’t remember certain words. Like I kept calling our Thanksgiving puzzle (yep, we have one of those), a pillow. And then I was getting the colors of the puzzle confused. I kept calling purple red. And yellow orange. But back to the singing. It’s my favorite thing in the world to do. It’s second nature. I sang before I talked. It’s what I do. And now I can’t remember notes. I have to think about it. I’ve never had to think about it. It’s all muscle memory to me. The following other things happen when I don’t sleep: I have no patience, I blame the way I’m feeling on everything around me, I fight with my husband, I cry all the time, I feel anxious, I feel depressed, I don’t exercise, etc…… And then with all of these reactions to no sleep come more reactions…..it’s a never ending loop of being too exhausted to deal and then being anxious about it and then not sleeping again. I’m sure it’s a lot like being a new parent…..except I have no kid to show for it. So there’s that……

HORMONES!

Just got going again on all that. Right now I’m on the injections that remove all the estrogen from my system. Do you know what that does? It sends me into temporary menopause!!!! SO FUN!!!! And do you know what that does? It makes me NOT SLEEP! AND, I get hot flashes! OMG! BRING IT ON! MORE! And this is the time I clean out my system, so no sleep meds. And I’m ramping down the caffeine. And in one more week…..no wine. I don’t drink much, but I like my morning cup of coffee and I like my wine with dinner. Those are two things I like. Or love. I love them so much.

On Being Married.

Being married is hard. Being in any partnership is hard. Danny is an amazing husband. I know that. I also know it’s difficult to recognize all the amazing things when I’m exhausted. I can’t decide if what I might feel in a particular moment is an underlying issue that’s surfacing from lack of sleep, OR if I’m just a crazy nut lady that has no grasp on reality. Maybe a mix of both? Dad, I need guidance on how to be a better wife. Danny and I are totally fine, by the way. I just know I’m not easy to be with these days. So I’m trying to figure my way through that. I think I’m just afraid of everything right now. And so all my reactions are fear based. And that makes those reactions RIDICULOUS. All part of the grieving process I suppose. Like laying in bed at night thinking,”Why would he want to be with me right now? I’m a crazy person. I better get my shit together so he doesn’t leave me. Wait, I’ll go start a fight with him. Wait, that’s a horrible idea. Okay, I’ll go start a fight. THANK YOU FEAR!”

WWRD (what would Rich do)…..I think WWRD is a wonderful section for this letter blog, don’t you think, dad?

Dad, I know what you would do. You would exercise. SO, that’s what I’ve decided to do. Starting today. I’m going to run again. I love running and somehow it’s become a stranger to me. I’d like for me and running to be best friends again. And I also would like running to love my knees. I’m also starting to practice yoga again. Yoga changed my life (you already know that though). The fact that I’m motivated to do either of those things in this moment is a miracle. Thanks, dad. Wait, that’s it….here you are….right with me…..in this moment…..telling me to exercise! You’re so awesome!

On the Music Front….

I’m not going to talk with you about this yet. But there’s big things a brewin’.

The Holidays

Mom and I put up a Christmas tree! We did so on the first day of Hanukkah. So we made a beautiful dinner on our new grill (thanks mom and Jeff!), lit the Christmas tree, lit the Menorah, made candles, listened to the “Hipster Christmas” music channel on Pandora, and exchanged gifts. It’s was beautiful, dad. I need not tell you how much I miss you during the holiday season. Remember how Rick and I would ALWAYS find our Christmas presents? We tore the house apart looking for them. We were such brats. You were so patient. I remember the year Rick got that robot that had an eight track player in it! What was that thing called???? Do you know what I’m going to miss? Shopping with you on Christmas eve. We were so good at that. And honestly, those Christmas eve’s with you are some of the best memories of my life. I loved how we sat and drank coffee first. And we talked about our plan for the day. And then we would execute the plan flawlessly. And we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. Oh man, I miss you.

Welp, it’s time to get back to my day. I have a show tonight. And tomorrow night. And then Rick and the kids are coming! I talk about you all the time, dad. I tell stories about you. Anytime something happens that reminds me of you, I talk about it. I swear if I heard your voice right now, I’d sleep like a baby again…..