What to Do about Intermarriage

Welcoming interfaith families is not enough. We need to help them transform themselves through Jewish life.

‘The war against intermarriage has been lost. Now what?” So mused the headline of Uriel Heilman’s recent Jerusalem Post article. In truth, this is hardly breaking news. The war on intermarriage was fought and lost years ago. Much of American Jewry has long come to embrace intermarriage, and even those who oppose it seem resigned to its existence, much like the weather.

American Jewry’s primary question now, as Heilman describes, is simply “how Jewish institutions can be as welcoming as possible to intermarried Jews and the gentiles who love them.”

And therein lies the problem. We obsess about being welcoming. We trip over ourselves to be inclusive.

Last Rosh Hashanah, a Los Angeles rabbi announced during his sermon that he had decided to perform interfaith weddings. His congregation gave him a standing ovation. The Reform movement is now seriously considering ordaining intermarried rabbis, with leading voices explaining the move as an imperative in the name of inclusion. Many synagogues, in their literature and websites, prominently trot out some version of “we welcome interfaith families.”

What’s wrong with welcoming? Who doesn’t want to be welcomed? I should know. I’m not intermarried, but I was once.

Earlier this year, my wife and I wrote Doublelife: One Family, Two Faiths and a Journey of Hope about our own Byzantine path from intermarried couple who met in a church choir to Orthodox Jewish family living in Israel. If not for the many caring people who welcomed us when we were exploring Jewish life, we likely would never have become a Jewish family.

Welcoming is critical. But it’s not enough. And the question “how can we be welcoming” is the wrong starting point. Instead of asking how we can welcome interfaith families, we would serve them better by asking how we can help them transform themselves through Jewish life. Welcoming, without more, is simply a technique to get people in the door. But Jewish transformation goes to the heart of our passion and purpose as a people.

Helping intermarried families feel comfortable may encourage them to enter our doors. But it won’t help them grow. And it may not even convince them to stay. To be sure, being welcoming and effecting Jewish transformation is hardly an either/or equation, and notable examples of doing both well can be found. But the communal starting point is nearly always one of welcoming, hardly ever one of transformation, and in the meantime, the majority of intermarried families are either unengaged or under-engaged in Jewish life.

I’ve met intermarried couples who joined a synagogue because they were made to feel comfortable.

But I’ve never met an intermarried couple (or in-married, for that matter) who got excited about Jewish life, who gave their kids a rich Jewish education, who chose to become a Jewish family, simply because they felt comfortable. In virtually every case, they encountered a gifted Jewish teacher, had a meaningful experience in a service, or found that Judaism spoke profoundly to their worldview.

If our mindset is transformation, true welcoming will inevitably follow.

If it’s welcoming that intermarried families are looking for, then they don’t need the Jewish community at all. They can feel exceedingly welcome in any number of alternative settings, from other religious groups to the local neighborhood association. What they can’t get from these other settings, and what only we can provide, is an amazing 3,500 year old tradition that can speak to the soul.

If our mindset is transformation, true welcoming will inevitably follow. The reverse, however, is often not the case. Our communal conversations about intermarried outreach tend to get stuck on questions such as whether a non-Jew can have an aliya, whether a non-Jew can join the synagogue board, or whether “non-Jew” is the most sensitive term to describe someone who is not Jewish and is married to a Jew.

What if we instead start by asking, “How do we show this family the greatest depth possible? How do we demonstrate what Judaism has to say about the issues we all face? How do we model a caring community based on Jewish values? How do we get our most inspiring teachers in front of them?” If questions like these were our starting point, I suspect many more intermarried families would be banging on our doors, many more would be drawn to convert, and those not drawn to convert would be much more enthusiastic about the prospect of raising their children Jewish.

Many intermarried families appear to agree that welcoming is not enough. In a 2010 landmark study, Professor Steven Cohen, a leading authority on intermarriage demographics, concluded from his survey of hundreds of intermarried parents that most felt welcome by Jewish institutions, but many nevertheless felt discouraged from participating because of a “competence barrier.” In other words, many intermarried families take the smile as a given but are thirsting for the substance.

Cohen went on to say that “the response of welcoming, making personnel more sensitive to the intermarried and watching your language and having smiling ushers is not going to be effective.”

Indeed, when my wife and I started to get excited about Judaism, we had no difficulty finding people, from Reform to Orthodox, who were nice to us and made us feel welcome. What drew us in, though, were those people and experiences that made the Torah come alive, that made us feel like we couldn’t get enough.

To be fair, our community does have some intermarried programming that speaks to transformation.

But it is not the norm. It is not what we speak about first, or most, or sometimes ever. Can anyone say with a straight face that our emphasis on welcoming has been a resounding success? Notwithstanding some intermarried families who are happily engaged in Jewish life, the statistics do not paint a pretty picture.

We don’t need more of the same. We need a paradigm shift. The time has come for a new conversation.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 45

(26)
Anonymous,
September 2, 2013 4:15 PM

The first issue is why label íntermarriage , the convert is Jewish as everyone else .and if the re Was no conversión but the y decide to raíse the ir children as Jews perfec, I converted 40 years ago And involved in commmunity lífe And still hace to explain to my 7 grandchildren why the are different all speak hebrew go to Jewish sshools have Been to Israel but..........especially when my daughters married And at the ir sons Brit Milá

(25)
Anonymous,
August 30, 2013 2:24 PM

Not the right antidote

Your suggestion to purposefully solicite and bring in non Jews might be politically correct to some, including you. But, this Not the Jewish way. To welcome them in after their personal search indeed does bring them to our doorstep Is the Jewish way. You are very mistaken to believe this 'search and rescue' is our responsibility or the correct anitdote to the disaterous Jewish situation.

Harold Berman,
September 1, 2013 11:21 AM

To Clarify

I do not advocate for convincing non-Jews to convert or become interested in Judaism who otherwise would not want to do so. Trying to "convince" someone about Judaism who doesn't want to be convinced is very counter-productive. I do, however, advocate for helping them on their path should they express interest in it. Which means, as I said, not merely "welcoming" them, but giving them real tools for Jewish growth. But again, only if they want it. I also do think we all need to consider the many children of intermarriage who are halachically Jewish. If one chooses to ignore the intermarried completely, then they are missing the opportunity to ensure that Jewish children of the intermarried grow up to be committed Jews.

(24)
Anonymous,
August 29, 2013 11:48 AM

What about non-religious intermarriages?

What about non-religious intermarriages? My son married a wonderful girl who is not religious (and neither is he). He told me recently that he is atheist and I responded that he was born to a Jewish mother, raised in a Jewish home, and had a bar mitzvah. if he doesn't believe in G-d that is his choice, but he IS a Jew. Their son isn't circumcised and I cried a whole day over that issue. He said that if it would make me feel any better, he won't be baptized, either. Fortunately, they have a good marriage and a good relationship with each other and I am not planning to lose my son over this. But when our synagogue had a talis made with Hebrew names of grandchildren, I couldn't add his son's name to it. I guess I feel more left out than he is, even though I am more spiritual than "religious."

(23)
Addie,
August 29, 2013 8:57 AM

Children of intermarriage

I think it's also really important to specifically address adult children of intermarriage. I was raised Reform by my father, but my mom (who had split custody of me but didn't participate in my religious upbringing much, except attending some seders and events at synagogue and reading at my bat mitzvah) never converted. Now I'm dating a Jewish guy whose parents think I need to convert... the whole thing is very weird and turning me off to Judaism, even though it's who I am and I'm not going to change... I feel very odd about a Conservative conversion, especially given that although it would make me "Jewish" according to my bf's parents, it still wouldn't make me Jewish according to more Orthodox groups - and of course, an important one, the Israeli rabbinate. So, it's all very convoluted and I see how all the bureaucracy from the Mishna's maternal-descent law can definitely turn people off to Judaism. I think this is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed somehow.

Anonymous,
August 29, 2013 8:17 PM

Adult children of intermarriage

Sadly the children always are the ones who face the uncertainty and feeling of rejections from their own people , as a result of intermarriage. And intermarriage (without conversion) seems to occur as a result of the parent's parents being non-religious, it seems. I hope you will find your way back to Judaism.

(22)
Beverley Pekema,
August 29, 2013 7:02 AM

Non-Jew mother of an intermarriage

My daughter converted & married into a Jewish family. As non-jews we were made to feel very welcome indeed & having loved the Jewish people as a Christian for as long as I can remember: through the actions of my new Jewish family, I have learned a lot. I know for sure that the Jews are G-d's chosen people & I am blessed to be part of their lives.

(21)
Chana,
August 29, 2013 7:02 AM

welcoming and being "tolerant"

I am a convert and happily married for over 20 years.It was the family of my husband (not religious) that gave me the welcoming feeling from the start, showing me no mixed feelings whatsoever! After the initial "being Jewish will not change me personally / my character", I soon came to realize that the "Jewish Way of Life" was actually tailor-made for me.So thank you all for WELCOMING me into your religion, your people!!!

(20)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2013 10:26 PM

What if the Jewish spouse isn't interested?

Welcoming works when the Jewish half is open to seeking/ hearing/ learning/ growing. When an orthodox-raised kid dates and, lo aylenu, marries a non-Jew and has no interest in introducing his/her spouse to the beauty of Yiddeshkeit, what will help?

(19)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2013 6:15 PM

Intermarraige

I didn't learn that my mother's side was Jewish until I was 50 years old. In Iceland, around war time, the Jewish family, married off their daughter to a Christian family and the Jewish identity was lost. Throughout my childhood, I noticed how close knit and focused the Jewish families were and how "those people" had their futures laid out in front of them. I was envious. I can't help but to think back and wonder, If I was raised Jewish, how different would my life have turned out? Would I have learned how to rise above all and shape mine and my family's futures? I'd say most likely.

(18)
Anonymous,
August 28, 2013 3:50 AM

Widower Fiancee does not believe in Judiasm anymore

My fiance lost his 47 year old wife to cancer 10 years ago. She had converted to Judiasm and was raising her children in a Jewish lifestyle and home. They had Shabbat dinners every week and she even taught at the local Hebrew school. Since she died, my fiance does not believe in G-d anymore nor does he expect his children to follow any Jewish traditions. The children are now in their 20's. He tolerates some of my Jewish customs but does not want to go to services and frequently reminds me that he does not believe there is a g-d. When his wife was alive he went to services fairly often "to make her happy". I am worried about how we as a middle age couple will transition to forming a Jewish household and whether I am in for tsuris and possible heart break. He has agreed to come to services with me twice a year (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) but not more. He doesn't stop me from going if I want but since he refuses to go I have lost many of my former friends who I met through schul. Thoughts/advise welcome. I was brought up Conservative and he was raised Reformed. He had a Bar Mitzvah etc.

Anonymous,
August 28, 2013 9:48 AM

I sympathize with you, but...

Try maintaining contacts with your friends throughout the week and not just at services. Why be friends just once a week?
BTW, now I realize why Torah-observant (Note: I didn't say "Orthodox") converting committees do not accept half-baked conversions to especially to a spouse who isn't all there in the first place. No-one is doing no-one any favors by converting!

Shula,
August 28, 2013 2:02 PM

Dear Anonymous

This is so difficult... Perhaps it is that going to schul is a source of pain for him, because it reminds him of his wife who is gone and that his life as he knew it was also gone in some ways. Perhaps it is the association, which is painful and needs to heal? Perhaps a certain level of acceptance of the change in his life has not yet occurred? Perhaps he does not realize that this is happening. Does he light the yartzeit candle for her? I know this is not to tradition - but after losing my young daughter, each year I would recite the entire kaddish, as if it was the first year. This helped remind me of who I am, who G-d is, and to heal the anger and hurt....and to accept that my life will not be the same ever again - but that the life I have is a gift of G-d and I should not make it small thing. L'Chaim... To Life, yes? Sometimes it is the simplest and most painful thing to embrace.

Anonymous,
August 29, 2013 8:29 PM

Spirituality and marriage

The question is , is this difference between you two going to create further sadness for you ,or whether your fiance would eventually join you in a meaningful way. If not, I would discuss it with him , and how you feel, because I think you value Judaism too much to ignore the issue. And lastly , if it came down to it which will you choose? This future marriage or Judaism and the Jewish community? I hope this helps.

Colorado,
September 1, 2013 9:44 PM

Keep growing yourself...

Not sure why you have lost your friends just because he isn't up to going back to services. There are friends who will understand, I'm sure. They might me a better choice for you right now. It sounds like you need support. What to do about your spouse? Maybe cook him a lot of his favorite foods during the week and a special dessert always on Shabbat--without fanfare--just because you want to (not to nudge him). Play Klezmer or interesting Israeli music when you're cooking during the week. Find SOMETHING you both enjoy doing together, maybe a couple of things, like hobbies or other interests and DO them regularly. It sounds like his grief is still too painful or has it has gotten stuck in anger and despair. By showing that life is still good it might help open him up to the other. But even if it doesn't, you will be bringing joy and comfort into your lives and building your relationship as a couple. There are probably women's study groups during the week, and you could try spending time with him on Shabbat doing something that brings life. I'm sure G-d wants to invade his space again, and if you're there, at least some of the time, who knows--he might not feel so threatened after a while. Take care of yourself. Do things that build you up. Keep growing as an individual. Love him, and leave the rest to the Almighty. Don't know if any of this helps, but you are in each others' life for a reason and maybe with some time and patience he'll find his way again (or maybe for the first time?). Don't let it bring you down too much. In the end, it's his responsibility to make good choices. Can you invite people over, who understand, for Shabbat dinner, or would that be too much at this point. In any case, you have our sympathy and we'll remember you.

(17)
Rachel,
August 28, 2013 12:11 AM

Patience and Love

Prayer is service of the heart and the Shema tells us to love Hashem with all of our hearts. What it takes to reach someone's heart will be different for every soul. Harold Berman is right, the welcome is only the beginning, but it is very necessary. It might be the Jewish partner's only way of having a Jewish experience. Whether or not the non-Jewish partner is ever moved to wish to be Jewish is something we can't control, but at least we can be diplomatic while we serve as God's ambassadors. King David wrote in Tehillim 34, "Taste and see that Hashem is good..." We should not provide these couples with a bad taste in the mouth. We need to give them what to chew on, but it should be sweet! I think that if each of us shares what we love about Torah Judaism, there may be someone out there whose heart will be moved to the service of Hashem. But I can't make someone else love Hashem with my heart - each person must have his own personal relationship with his Creator. As far as shunning the intermarried - I don't think anybody is likely to do teshuva in order to get Ploni-Pickle-Face to say hello or Good Shabbos.

(16)
Colorado,
August 27, 2013 10:46 PM

Right--don't welcome them--that will work…

"If it’s welcoming that intermarried families are looking for, then they don’t need the Jewish community at all."
Wow. i guess you're right.
I have seen a very non-welcoming attitude, overtly, from the "observant" toward those they THINK (assume) aren't Jewish--but are. I shake my head.
My husband was starting to be more open to learning, but after experiencing this rejecting treatment, you can forget it. What--do you think Esther or Joseph would be recognized? G-d has his own plans with people. What? Is this a conformity committee?
But go ahead--by all means--be as UNwelcoming as you want to be while you congratulate yourselves on how "righteous" and "observant" you are. A little club to yourselves. And it will seem just fine because you'll NEVER even know who you just gave the cold shoulder to.
I regret encouraging my spouse to trust other Jews at all. Wish y'all had been there to see the light go out.
So yes--I guess you're right...we don't need to be welcomed by you at all. Silly us.
I can only imagine how interfaith people must feel among such "learned ones." Why, you'll have them running to Torah study in no time.

Harold Berman,
August 28, 2013 7:44 AM

I think you misunderstood

To clarify - I definitely did not say that we shouldn't be welcoming. In fact, I said very clearly that when my wife and I became interested in Judaism as an intermarried couple, we would never have made the journey to Judaism if people had not welcomed us. What I specifically said is that "Welcoming is critical. But it is not enough." Of course, outreach cannot work without welcoming. And yes, there is a big problem if people aren't welcoming because as you say, people get turned away. However, too many synagogues and Jewish programs focus almost exclusively on welcoming and more or less stop there. What we need is a mindset where we are sharing the depth of the Jewish tradition. If we start with that mindset, then we can only share the depth of the Jewish tradition by being welcoming. However, as is too often the case today, we focus on welcoming without providing deep Jewish content that will make a real difference in people's lives.

Colorado,
August 29, 2013 10:07 PM

I greatly appreciated your thoughtful response.

But you lost me. Lots of content on Aish.com. This isn't true in person? Everyone welcomes interfaith couples, then...nothing? Aren't there classes, services? No one invites them to join for Shabbat dinner? Holidays? Why aren't they being exposed to things that "will make a difference in their lives?" It seems it would be a real part of life in community. Which brings me to another point: somehow, some way, those of us considered "lost" in the diaspora are hearing the shofar's call to return home. I can't explain it, but it is an undeniable thing. Maybe something to consider is: if and when we return, what will we find? Who will welcome and accept us--we who know the truth about ourselves but can't produce the pedigree? Many were hidden from death at various times in history. If anyone has even one child, say, five-years-old, you are quite aware they can't keep secrets. Those with children went underground of necessity. "Jewish? No, no. I don't see any Jews here. Do you see any Jews? Honey, for some reason there's people at the door looking for Jews. Well, we'll keep our eyes open." Good thing the Almighty, our Hope, knows what happened and who's who. But when those of us who are probably more focused as artistic, social, and/or enterprising, have to "get a pass" from the conventional, realistic, investigative "minders of the shop," my guess is sparks will fly. So yes, at least PLEASE welcome people who smile and nod to you and your children as they make their way to Shabbat service. As for attendees--greater devotion to G-d is up to the individual. If you're offering life-changing content, those who want that will eventually avail themselves. But WE have yet to experience this "tripping over themselves" show of welcome. It's just assumed we're not part of the club and we're "treated accordingly." Now it will be a long time before community will be considered again here. We trudge on. Very sad, but what can I say? Maybe it's for the best, considering what awaits.

I have presented a personal experience in clear terms and am trying to get to the bottom of what the author (whom I have no beef with) is saying. I have no idea what he's talking about when he says too often things stop with the welcome and go no further. But on the bright side, perhaps it's advantageous that the disillusionment came sooner rather than later. Helps us sift things out appropriately. My point is be welcoming in any case. You might be the only example of "Jewish learning" the otherwise secular might ever see.

Anonymous,
August 31, 2013 11:04 PM

Don't be helpless

Actually, you did come off as VERY cynical and seemingly missing the following point:
"...Indeed, when my wife and I started to get excited about Judaism, we had no difficulty finding people, from Reform to Orthodox, who were nice to us and made us feel welcome. What drew us in, though, were those people and experiences that made the Torah come alive, that made us feel like we couldn’t get enough..."
"In the way one wishes to go, s/he is led..." Those that really care - push, and eventually find the guidance they seek. Can't sit back and grumble when dealing with serious life-decisions.
Wish you much success in your search and a year of growth - spiritual and material!

Anonymous,
September 1, 2013 9:59 PM

Thanks. But again, I actually was not trying to be cynical.

We were both really shocked by the "attitude" coming from two adult men we didn't expect to be so cold. We'll just move on. And naturally, we don't feel helpless, just "nudged" toward a different group probably. The article had some very good points, but perhaps could be misunderstood as written? It just hit me wrong. Other than that, I'm a political writer and it's the "wild west" out there in the blogosphere. We tend to develop an "edge" which comes across more strongly than I meant it to here. (I'll stick to that other venue for the most part, lol.) Like you, I also liked this quote: "What drew us in, though, were those people and experiences that made the Torah come alive, that made us feel like we couldn’t get enough..." Hopefully we will run across that cross-section in person and not just online. Thank you for your wishes a good year. You too.

Sw,
August 28, 2013 6:35 PM

It is not clear what is trying to be conveyed through this thick veil so sarcasm. Is it that you now feel vindicated to marry out since us Jews are so terrible anyway? If someone is serious about something they don't let a bit of resistance get in their way. And if someone is out to prove something they believe in then they use the flimsiest excuse to make their point. I suggest you be a bit more honest with yourself. Maybe the unwelcome attitude is there to weed out the real from the well..... You can finish the sentence.

Colorado,
August 31, 2013 3:17 AM

Here it comes ...

No. No vindication. And actually I wouldn't suggest it as a rule. Interesting you assume I "married out." That's just what I was talking about.. I'm not BTW. You missed my point. We journalists can come across as sarcastic. Not my intention either. Just trying to dialogue. Real dialogue is not such an enjoyable pastime anyone. Plus I was frustrated at having to redo SO much groundwork with my spouse because of the actions of others that were not exemplary. Welcoming is always a good thing. What happens when you don 't can close doors.

(15)
Bel-Ami Margoles,
August 27, 2013 8:08 PM

welcoming communities and intermarriage

In our family's experience, belonging to a welcoming community allowed us to have a Jewish home. Our children were observant and enthusiastic, Shabbat, holidays and learning were all happy things in our home, I was very involved with our Shul. Unfortunately, my husband became more traditional and we moved to an Orthodox community where our marriage was NOT ok and our sons were hassled by kids at their dayschool because they "weren't jewish". The end result was alienated kids and a stressed and divided marriage. So, in MY experience, I would definitely say that a welcoming community is the MOST important thing in raising Jewish kids and having a Jewish home if one is intermarried! NO-ONE WANTS TO BE PART OF A GROUP WHERE THEY ARE A PARIAH>

(14)
Concerned,
August 27, 2013 7:20 PM

You make a very valid point

In my husbands family (both sides) there were seven marriages that took place between maybe 1970 to 1984.All but one were to non Jews.All but one "worked out" from the stand point of staying together but of all the children born of these unions - and there were 13 of them - none of them except the three that came from a family where the wife converted and kept a pretty tight Jewish household and the kids went to orthodox Jewish day school show any signs of promising Jewish staying power. Of these marriages, 3 of the non Jewish spouses actually converted liberal orthodox. One convert divorced her husband soon after and I assume left Judaism for good as she then married another gentile. Another converted but followed VERY few mitzvohs and then moved with his wife to a very non Jewish part of the country and the third conversion was the one whose kids went to Jewish Day school and who are so far very loyal. All these "children" - now young adults range in age from about 19 to 32. A few of them have married so far - all to non Jews.The "loyal" kids are so far unmarried but date other Jews. Were these non Jews welcomed all those years ago? As a whole, yes, but you are correct in saying that it wasn't enough. The non Jew as well as the born Jew in these relationships DESPERATELY need a massive Jewish education and reality check.This can be done easily today by caring Jewish clergy who can tell them basic facts and statistics on intermarriage as well as provide for them a quality Jewish education. Judaism is a religious that speaks to every eternal question. It's very encompassing - a non Jew needs this education to see if he or she can make the plunge to being a Jew and leading a committed Jewish life. It's NOT for everyone! Also - the couple really needs very basic information i.e., how much Jewish education will cost as well as a house in a Jewish section etc. It's a huge order for a couple but very clarifying if they want Jewish continuity.

(13)
Faith,
August 27, 2013 7:09 PM

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

As a child of an intermarriage with a non- Yiddishe mamele who smattered her language with yiddish and cooked a mean matzoh brie, I thank you. I loved Jewish culture growing up in the 60's Bronx. Yet I was pushed away, even by a Reform sleepaway camp that I really wanted to go to with my best friend. In the 60's Reform did not accept patrilineage. Twenty-odd years later in an El Al airport a security officer asked me why I wanted to go to Israel and was I Jewish? I said my father was. So, she said, you're not Jewish so why do you want to go to Israel? After some questioning I was allowed to pass. There are other instances, even cruel comments by my renewal and spiritual brothers and sisters. I converted twenty years ago as a rite of passage and learning and as a statement. I had to pay cash to the mikveh because they didn't want to show on their books a Conservative practicing Jewish conversion. Oy v'voy I could write a book and maybe I'll offer an article here one day. I understand wanting to keep culture but not with intolerance. The social activism and tolerance and progressive ideas from so many Jews make me so proud to be Jewish that it hurts to hear even my Renewal and Jewish Spirituality colleagues make anti-intermarriage comments. But times are changing from kids like me who never met a Jewish uncle, aunt or cousin because their family turned their backs to them. What gifts were wasted. Thats the tragedy. Thank G-d we can welcome those who love us and support us and want to learn to be Israel- helpers to G-d, because that is what it is all about in any spiritual practice.

(12)
Shoshana -Jerusalem,
August 27, 2013 6:41 PM

amazing 3,500 year old tradition

The tragedy is that no one seems to be getting that beautiful message across earlier. Why not start working on Jewish boys and girls earlier - when they are in high school or even sooner, so they won't want to marry out to begin with. "An once of prevention..."

(11)
Frank Adam,
August 27, 2013 6:38 PM

Try the other end of the telescope then ask about the premises of the phenomenon

One reason why intermarriage has boomed is because it no longer bothers the other religions' either! Even forty years ago Christians would not have been too kind to their children marrying out -.even to other Christian denominations. Catholics still want a promise to bring up the children as Catholics; and Moslems insist any kaffir seeking their daughters' hands in marriage convert to Islam.

This draws attention to at least two points: the immigrant generation and their children married-in as much to stay under the sheltering wings of family and familiarity till they learnt how to swim in the new environment. Second traditional religion and its methods and practices have lost their attractions across all society and its sub groups.

Explain the why and wherefore of that, and you will have the self evident answers how to prolong religious affiliation and practice to the new generations.

Sunnie Brown,
August 27, 2013 9:42 PM

It can work ot

My late Presbyterian husband and I raised an Orthodox son-my rand children went to Chabad for school and services!

(10)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2013 6:17 PM

Casting one someone for their "mistake" is seems contradictory to God's forgiving love!

If the Jewish man who married a non-Jew wife was cast out by the people, scholars, educators of the Jewsih faith, then where is the door to enter for the man to introduce his family (wife and children) to Jewish faith? It seems contradictory to God's love. This seems to me as being stuck by religious laws rather than being guided by God's love. Do you think he will come back to Jewish faith when he experienced persecution from his own people? Where can this man turn to when everybody else casted him out? Are you proposing he leaves his Non-Jew wife and Non-Jew child to be welcomed back by his Jewish faith or he is forever banned from Judaism because of his choice in life? I thought God invites us back into His loving embrace despite of our mistakes just as God forgives His people after falling to idolatry---in Exodus, after witnessing the greatness of God, parting the Red Sea so the Jewish people can escape the Pharaoh's soldiers, the people turned their back from God and worshipped idols. But God continues to forgive. And He always find a way to forgive His people. This seems to me as an institution of people who judges one another, not a religion that binds people to God, which I think is not the real essence of Judaism.

Rob,
August 28, 2013 10:49 AM

Gods "love" is Torah

God's love of Jews starts with Torah, including Deut. 7:3-4. Please familiarize yourself with these verses before you write of Christian-esque "God's love" that is divorced from mitzvot, mitzvot that make Jews distinct from non Jews. Otherwise, a difference (of being Jewish) that makes no difference is no difference at all.

(9)
CHAIM LEIB,
August 27, 2013 4:04 PM

OUTERMARRIAGE IS MORE DEFINTIVE

Rabbi Jonathan Sachs, former UK Chief Rabbi has made an important step in putting this 'plague' in a more accurate perspective by identifying this as OUTERMARRIAGE. With this correction the issue becomes much more urgent and less like a "two state solution" which "INTERMARRIAGE" almost implies,. G-d forbid

(8)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2013 4:02 PM

Intermarriage is a Cancer!

Why would the jewish spouse agree to allow the his gentile mate to enter into a conversion process when he/she made the conscious decision to marry out to begin with? If we are talking about tsuvah the I agree with the article. What I find is that the problem is with the jewish spouse not the other! The gentile spouse in many cases is malleable to a proper conversion its the other who doesn"t want anything to do with it! In a growing secular world the world of mitzvos looks archaic, primitive, and restrictive. He/she ran from a world of absolutes to a world of emptiness, grays.

(7)
jgarbuz,
August 27, 2013 3:50 PM

Intermarriage is against Jewish law so why "welcome?"

The Palestinians already say that most "Jews" in Israel are imposters just stealing Arab land, so why are we so welcoming? We welcome all friends, but intermarriage is a very different issue. I was banned for over 2000 years, and now we are supposed to be so "welcoming?"

(6)
Rob,
August 27, 2013 3:20 PM

Welcoming, yes, but not inclusive!

Being welcoming is not just a Jewish tradition, but a mitzvah, a la Abraham. Being "inclusive" of non-Jews is NOT a Jewish value or mitzvah; Judaism is designed to be exclusive for a good reason. Jewish law, teaching, and tradition stress sanctification, separating us from the non-Jewish world in ways other than making a living, from the mundane and profane, in order to get closer to God. This has the benefit of helping to reduce social exposure to non-Jews that otherwise leads to transgression of the explicit, unambiguous Torah prohibition against intermarriage (Deut. 7:3)

The non-Orthodox world is in total denial; in the aggregate and over time, politically correct "inclusiveness" has only wrought assimilation and destruction of Jewish identity and numbers, the complete opposite of what God asks of us through Torah, to be a great and numerous and distinctive nation that is a light unto the other nations. How can Judaism make a difference if Jews are not different, if we look, act, and live in a non-distinct way?

(5)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2013 3:16 PM

Yes! Thank you!

My ex-husband is Jewish Israeli. I started converting since before I met him. We started raising our child Jewish with big support from Jewish family. The local Jewish community had mixed- feelings. The orthodox rabbi and a wonderful woman who helped me continue to immerse myself in Jewish faith were just phenomenal though we ran into a few others who would just ignore us even move seats away from us if we sat near them. Anyway, our child loves Judaism (so do I). He likes to read his Jewish bible for kids and middos. But then we got divorced and I had to move hundreds of miles away. Now my son and I are in limbo. We observe Hannukah and Yom Kippur but never go to a synagogue because we wouldn't know where to start, the local synagogue doesnt mention anything about newcomers or converts on their website. My child loves going to the synagogue with his father though that rarely happens because it's on the rare few ocassions where he travels hundreds of miles to see his father (he and I are on good terms). My son dreams of a Bar Mitzvah which I doubt he will have and the whole thing just saddens me. :-(
However, I'll tell you the one sliver of hope that my son has held on to has been a Jewish online class for kids.
I wish I could shout to whoever is in charge of the local synagogue "Pleeeease! Please include us!! We want to learn so badly!" I remarried and my new husband doesn't know much about Judaism but he would like to know more as well.
Thank you for writing this article! I read it on my phone and had to reply because it gives me hope.

Isi,
August 28, 2013 3:06 PM

There's hope.

If your present husband is Jewish go to a proper Torah-observant Bet Din and do it in a manner that is acceptable to all. Ignorant people do not always react properly, but you will find much warmth among the truly knowledgeable.

Faith,
August 29, 2013 8:24 PM

Just ask

Ask your local synagogue. It sounds like you are shy about asking but ask. They don' t have to know if yu are a convert. Maybe you want to tell the rabbi but it is not considered a Jewish practice to point fingers and say "convert." I hope you will find a srvice you like or an on-line havurah or start your own! Stand firm and yesher ko'ach.

(4)
Lawrence Cohen,
August 27, 2013 2:43 PM

The assumption is that the other faith is Christian....false assumption.

My gentile wife is Buddhist....born as such.....not a convert....and her own personal views are pretty much agnostic.....as are mine...so where does this place us? She understands the concept of the different roles of men and women better than most Jews....and accepts my beliefs or lack thereof, as part of the real world....she has a very Talmudic mind in the traditional sense ....where would the Rabbis place me?

(3)
sharona,
August 27, 2013 5:36 AM

I agree, welcoming just sets the stage, but they need to grow into and become a Jewish family who continues to learn and grow, and hand it down.

Sadly, some of our brothers and sisters are not aware that we Jews have a mission in this world to keep the Torah and Mitzvos. :) When a Jewish man and woman marry, they help each other complete their mission.

Susan Rubinstein,
August 27, 2013 5:09 PM

Not always true..some men I know who want to convert want the orthodox way of converting

and some born jews do not practice the religion at all...even when they are married to fellow jews...reform livng and extremely secular they look at it more as a culture and forget the religious practices alot.

(2)
Amy Mager,
August 26, 2013 2:32 PM

One cannot hold these two beliefs simultaneously

One cannot simultaneously believe that the Messiah has come & believe Ani Ma'anim with perfect faith in the coming of Moshiach. Raising children with nothing is nothing. Make a choice, give your child roots (whatever they are) so she IY"H can have wings.

(1)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2013 2:26 AM

Intermarriage

No matter what the content, the fact that there are classes for Intermarried couples is a progress , because it is a doorway to observance and making a Jewish home, and even conversions. Sometimes it is the non-Jewish spouse who brings the Jewish partner back to Judaism so they need to be given a chance. This is different from being lenient about intermarriage. Since a lot of Jewish observance is done at home eg. Shabbat , people can be introduced to it and be encouraged because of the wonderful effect it has on family life, would be a good place to start with.

I’m wondering what happened to the House of David. After the end of the Kingdom of Judah was there any memory what happened to King David’s descendants? Is there any family today which can trace its lineage to David – and whom the Messiah might descend from?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you for your good question. There is no question that King David’s descendants are alive today. God promised David through Nathan the Prophet that the monarchy would never depart from his family (II Samuel 7:16). The prophets likewise foretell the ultimate coming of the Messiah, descendant of David, the “branch which will extend from the trunk of Jesse,” who will restore the Davidic dynasty and Israel’s sovereignty (Isaiah 11:1, see also Jeremiah 33:15, Ezekiel 37:25).

King David’s initial dynasty came to an end with the destruction of the First Temple and the Babylonian Exile. In an earlier expulsion King Jehoiachin was exiled by Nebuchadnezzar, together with his family and several thousand of the Torah scholars and higher classes (II Kings 24:14-16). Eleven years later the Temple was destroyed. The final king of Judah, Jehoiachin’s uncle Zedekiah, was too exiled to Babylonia. He was blinded and his children were executed (II Kings 25:7).

However, Jehoiachin and his descendants did survive in exile. Babylonian cuneiform records actually attest to Jehoiachin and his family receiving food rations from the government. I Chronicles 3:17:24 likewise lists several generations of his descendants (either 9 or 15 generations, depending on the precise interpretation of the verses), which would have extended well into the Second Temple era. (One was the notable Zerubbabel, grandson of Jehoiachin, who was one of the leaders of the return to Zion and the construction the Second Temple.)

In Babylonia, the leader of the Jewish community was known as the Reish Galuta (Aramaic for “head of the exile,” called the Exilarch in English). This was a hereditary position recognized by the Babylonian government. Its bearer was generally quite wealthy and powerful, well-connected to the government and wielding much authority over Babylonian Jewry.

According to Jewish tradition, the Exilarch was a direct descendant of Jehoiachin. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 5a) understands Genesis 49:10 – Jacob’s blessing to Judah that “the staff would not be removed from Judah” – as a reference to the Exilarchs in Babylonia, “who would chastise Israel with the staff,” i.e., who exercised temporal authority over the Jewish community. It stands to reason that these descendants of Judah were descendants of David’s house, who would have naturally been the leaders of the Babylonian community, in fulfillment of God’s promise to David that authority would always rest in his descendants.

There is also a chronological work, Seder Olam Zutta (an anonymous text from the early Middle Ages), which lists 39 generations of Exilarchs beginning with Jehoiachin. One of the commentators to Chronicles, the Vilna Gaon, states that the first one was Elionai of I Chronicles 3:23.

The position of Exilarch lasted for many centuries. The Reish Galuta is mentioned quite often in the Talmud. As can be expected, some were quite learned themselves, some deferred to the rabbis for religious matters, while some, especially in the later years, fought them and their authority tooth and nail.

Exilarchs existed well into the Middle Ages, throughout the period of the early medieval scholars known as the Gaonim. The last ones known to history was Hezekiah, who was killed in 1040 by the Babylonian authorities, although he was believed to have had sons who escaped to Iberia. There are likewise later historical references to descendants of the Exilarchs, especially in northern Spain (Catelonia) and southern France (Provence).

Beyond that, there is no concrete evidence as to the whereabouts of King David’s descendants. Supposedly, the great French medieval sage Rashi (R. Shlomo Yitzchaki) traced his lineage to King David, although on a maternal line. (In addition, Rashi himself had only daughters.) The same is said of Rabbi Yehuda Loewe of Prague (the Maharal). Since Ashkenazi Jews are so interrelated, this is a tradition, however dubious today, shared by many Ashkenazi Jews.

In any event, we do not need be concerned today how the Messiah son of David will be identified. He will be a prophet, second only to Moses. God Himself will select him and appoint him to his task. And he himself, with his Divine inspiration, will resolve all other matters of Jewish lineage (Maimonides Hilchot Melachim 12:3).

Yahrtzeit of Kalonymus Z. Wissotzky, a famous Russian Jewish philanthropist who died in 1904. Wissotzky once owned the tea concession for the Czar's entire military operation. Since the Czar's soldiers numbered in the millions and tea drinking was a daily Russian custom, this concession made Wissotzky very rich. One day, Wissotzky was approached by the World Zionist Organization to begin a tea business in Israel. He laughed at this preposterous idea: the market was small, the Turkish bureaucracy was strict, and tea leaves from India were too costly to import. Jewish leaders persisted, and Wissotzky started a small tea company in Israel. After his death, the tea company passed to his heirs. Then in 1917, the communists swept to power in Russia, seizing all of the Wissotzky company's assets. The only business left in their possession was the small tea company in Israel. The family fled Russia, built the Israeli business, and today Wissotzky is a leading brand of tea in Israel, with exports to countries worldwide -- including Russia.

Building by youth may be destructive, while when elders dismantle, it is constructive (Nedarim 40a).

It seems paradoxical, but it is true. We make the most important decisions of our lives when we are young and inexperienced, and our maximum wisdom comes at an age when our lives are essentially behind us, and no decisions of great moment remain to be made.

While the solution to this mystery eludes us, the facts are evident, and we would be wise to adapt to them. When we are young and inexperienced, we can ask our elders for their opinion and then benefit from their wisdom. When their advice does not coincide with what we think is best, we would do ourselves a great service if we deferred to their counsel.

It may not be popular to champion this concept. Although we have emerged from the era of the `60s, when accepting the opinion of anyone over thirty was anathema, the attitude of dismissing older people as antiquated and obsolete has-beens who lack the omniscience of computerized intelligence still lingers on.

Those who refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. We would do well to swallow our youthful pride and benefit from the teachings of the school of experience.

Today I shall...

seek advice from my elders and give more serious consideration to deferring to their advice when it conflicts with my desires.

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