“Oh. No. We just live in Canton – close to the park. It’s a really nice block. . .”

“BECAUSE” the Doctor cut me off, “Because you’re at least 8 centimeters, likely 9, and if your water breaks, you’re having this baby.”

“What?”

Christine tore out of the room as fast as she could.

She returned moments later to let us know the anesthesiologist was in emergency surgery.

YOU ARE JOHNS FUCKING HOPKINS HOSPITAL AND YOU ONLY HAVE ONE ANESTHESIOLOGIST HERE?! I DO. NOT. BELIEVE. THIS.

“Well. . .how. . .”

OUCH OUCH OUCH!

“Long?” I panted.

“We’ve paged him,” said Christine.

The Doctor very wisely snuck out of the room behind her.

OUCH!

“You should call your husband. If your water breaks, the baby will be here fast.” Christine said.

“Ok. I keep hoping he’ll be back any minute. Christine?”

“Yes?”

“Could I please stand up?”

AND could you bring me that other Doctor? Dr. Reasonable. The one who left me here for two fucking hours? Where is she? I’d like to have her arm to bite on when I deliver a seven some odd pound baby. BECAUSE SHE DESERVES MY WRATH!!!

“Sure.” Christine said turning around “Let me help you stand up.”

But she was too late. I had already stood up.

And my water broke.

I slumped back down on the bed, looked her dead in the eye, and muttered “Oh shit.”

And then it felt kinda like I might um you know. . .actually shit.

Except I just went cross-eyed in pain instead.

Christine slammed some kinda’ panic button and then lurched towards me slipping through all the mess beside the bed.

Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with your phone? Keep contacts under their relationship to you in case of an EMERGENCY? Aren’t medical people supposed to KNOW that?

The bed jerked. They were ripping the bed apart? They swung that huge light at me. I could hear Christine mumbling the call wasn’t going through.

“Hello? Hello?”

Everything felt foggy. Slow.

The pain was bad. My ears were ringing.

I could hear Christine talking on my phone. “She’s about to have this baby!”

Right. I’m having a baby. WITHOUT DRUGS?!

This made me snap to it. “What are my other options for pain management? I don’t have time for an epidural do I?” I grilled the doctor in gasps and pants.

“Well, we could try a nerve block but that’s not going to help with the contractions. It’s not going to be long. I think you should just push.”

“Push?”

“Yes. Push.”

“Push? No drugs?”

“Yes. We have to push!”

“Ok.” I gasped collapsing into a prone position. “Let’s push.”

Now hold your legs and push really hard. Remember from last time? Ready?”

I’m about to have a baby without drugs. No, I’m not freaking ready. And for as much as a hospital birth costs why in eff’s sake do I have to hold my own effing legs?! Is there no one here to hold my leg?! I already did most of the hard work myself without bothering ANY OF YOU for even so much as a cup of ice chips! I’m livid.

You know? Being livid probably isn’t the mental state most people think of when they think of the “miracle” of birth. . .but I’m pretty sure it was the ONLY thing that kept me from passing out. . .Because I was determined that if I saw that other Doctor again so help me gawd, she was getting a big ole’ chunk outta’ her damned arm.

“PUSH!” One, two, three. . .Again. . .

“Oh my word, that is excruciating!” And those were the exact words I used because when someone is about to catch your baby, you are as kind as possible.

And it wasn’t long before I felt. Yes. I felt. Head, shoulder, shoulder. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

And then there was the anxious moment while you hope you aren’t dead and your eyes uncross, for them to say everything is fine with the baby.

And as I was lying there holding my breath for good news making sure I wasn’t dead, Chris walked in.

He said it looked like the worst crime scene you could ever imagine. . .

O.M.G. I cannot even IMAGINE the pain. They made me stop pumping my epidural during the delivery of my daughter (I had been in labor for like 36 hours, so I had the meds), so I felt all of the contractions, puked, pooped, you name it. And they made my husband hold my left leg. But I didn’t feel the muscle stuff, if that makes any sense. It was really weird. And not pretty.

I’m obviously insane BUT having a nearly 36 hour induction with epidural the first time v. a few hours of unmedicated labor the second, I have to say, I’d rather have the second. (Of course, fast and medicated would be optimal – dare to dream – Ha!) Both experiences felt horrible and barbaric but at least the second time was fast.