Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

McCoy keeps running, pulls team bus back to Oakland

LOUISVILLE (PR) - Pitt freshman sensation LeSean "Shady" McCoy put together yet another memorable performance against the Louisville Cardinals on Saturday. Despite fumbling on the Louisville 1-yard line late in the game with the score 24-17 Louisville, McCoy still managed to carry Pitt's collectively pathetic offense on his back with 120 yards rushing and a touchdown.

After the game, Strength Coach Buddy Morris saw a perfect opportunity to utilize McCoy's momentum as "Shady" had already started running on I-264. In keeping with his militarisitic, sadistic, and borderline criminal training techniques, Morris strapped McCoy to the front bumper of Pitt's team bus and had him continue running all the way back to the Pitt campus.

"This is what we've been waiting for, a superstar running back," said Morris. "Now I can mold 'Shady' into a crippled quadriplegic with my proven methods." Injured Head Coach Dave Wannstedt echoed Morris' praise. "Ya know, Shady looks a lot like Steve Walsh out there from the '87 Canes...he was a running back, right? Well anyway, Buddy'll have him in a wheelchair of pain soon enough...or maybe he'll just force him into an actual wheelchair. I just know that he was around in the past which means he must know what he's doing. I mean, how much could things change in 20-something years?"

Morris plans to have McCoy pull the team jet as a part of his progressing workouts by December, regardless of the fact that Pitt makes a bowl game or not. "He WILL be pulling that thing over an ice-covered Mt. Washington in the driving snow, and I'll be yelling everything about his mother and how much of a pussy he is until he makes it...and if he breaks his leg, then it proves that he's weak and he'll just haveta run faster."