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Monday, July 14, 2014

This Will End Well Part 1: Bad Ideas and Whispered Threats

"I just don't get why it has to be on a spaceship," Poot's voice crackled through the three hundred miles of piss poor cell reception. "I mean you're asking them to play fantasy characters but you're starting out in space."

Yeah.

"Then what?"

I'm going to blow up the damned spaceship!

"So they're going to fall to earth in an escape pod."

Call it a breach pod.

"No. They're falling to earth in an escape pod."

Faerun. I'm doing this by the book.

"What fucking book has a spaceship getting attacked and it's crew hurtling down to the planet while you rub your hands and laugh manically?"

The Book of Akins.

"Good book," he said after a pause. "I still wouldn't do it. You're testing out a new system and you haven't fully got a handle on the way combat works."

What's to get a handle on? Roll a d20, check against AC, hit if equal or better.

"You're doing it again."

What?

"You're being a glib asshole and you know what happens when you get like this before the game starts."

That's why I called, I said as a pause in the conversation took over. I've got a new player and New Boy's coming along for the ride.

"Who's the new player?"

Tesla.

"If you go with the spaceship you'd best be prepared for a wipe in the first ten minutes then. Tesla isn't going to leave without a laser gun and a robot."

Icarus will be there too.

"Complete wipe."

Okay then. It looks like I'm going to start them south of Baldur's Gate and we'll see where they go from there, I said as I pulled into Icarus' drive. I'm here Poot. I've got to go.

"Good luck."

Tesla, Icarus, and New Boy got busy making characters once I came in while I busied myself looking through Icarus' Dungeons & Dragons books. I always forget how many Third Edition books were made until I run into a collection like Icarus'. There are books on dragons of every imaginable stripe; volumes on devils, demons, and the undead; five monster books filled with variations on themes; twenty or so books with rule variations and expansions; two Player Handbooks and Dungeon Master's Guides - presumably without rehashing what the previous version said; and massive, linear adventures that were bitched about on the internet when they were released and are slowly growing in popularity as people give them a second look now that the system's been dead nearly seven years. I won't lie to you, I had some of them, but Icarus' collection dwarfed mine completely.

"Charlie," New Boy called me from the dinning room table, "can you give me a hand for a minute?"

I walked over and we worked his character into a passable fashion that wouldn't embarrass either of us (I hoped) and were quickly joined by Icarus and Tesla. Icarus would be playing Selin the elven Cleric of Apolo ('cause why the fuck not?) while Tesla would be playing Kaz the human Fighter of badassery. That left New Boy with his dwarven wizard.

"I'm here to kill something and take it's shit," Tesla said with a smile.

A man after my own heart, I said and launched into the set up. We were going to be playing in the tiny town of Philander on the Sword Coast of Faerun. There were about three hundred or so people living there and they had been enjoying what passed for drunken debauchery in this community until their coin had run low and decisions had to be made.

"Well since I don't know anybody I'll be at the bar drinking and looking for work," Tesla began.

Nope. I'm not doing this bullshit where you guys pretend not to know each other for the first hour I'm here running because you want to dick about. I've driven too far to waste my time watching you guys jerk off with nothing to show for it.

"Fair enough," he said with a smile. "What's going on in the bar?"

There are two prostitutes on the upper floor smoking and talking amongst themselves: Bea and Alice the One Eye.

"Why's she called Alice the One Eye," New Boy interrupted.

Because she's only got one eye.

"Oh."

There also the bartender, Joe, who's busy cleaning the counter. Other than that you cats are the only ones here.

"Who else is in the bar," New Boy asked.

I stared at him for a full minute while Icarus laughed at him and Tesla whispered death threats in his ear. Two hookers on the upper deck, the bartender, and the three of you.

"So no one else is here?"

I was suddenly very glad that Biggboy, Step-up, and Cuz weren't able to make it tonight. To the north you have Baldur's Gate and to the south you have Waterdeep. To the east you have the interior of the continent and no telling how long before you make it to the next city.

"I'm going west," Tesla announced after he rolled a dice.

Into the sea?

"The sea? No, no, no, no. Who said anything about going west into the sea? I said I'm going north to Baldur's Gate."

This is going to be one of those nights, I said to Icarus, isn't it?

"I've no idea what you're talking about."

Right, I've walked into a bag of dicks. Well, let's get this show rolling.

Who That Talking Over Here?

I'm a blogger that talks about all my favorite hobbies - from video games, to comics, to rpgs, to poker, and everything in between. I can also throw more words on the page than a room full of crack smoking monkeys being guarded by trigger happy robots. And unlike those banana munching, tree swingers I actually make sense most of the time!