Cheater, Cheater

My buddy called me in a panic. He was trembling and cursing himself. The only words that I could understand were, "I'm such a jerk!" He got busy, but not with his girlfriend — with his co-worker.

So being the kind friend that I am, I told him to come over to my place. The poor guy was in tears. All I saw was the guilt in his face. Then he uttered those classic words that we have all heard or said at some point in time: "I will never do it again, I can't believe I slept with someone else, I can't believe I fooled around behind her back."

I told him that there was nothing wrong with what he did and that most men have done the same thing. It's what usually happens when you are dissatisfied with your relationship. Maybe cheating on his girlfriend would help him realize that they weren't meant to be together.

But my friend kept insisting that he really did love his girlfriend. "This was a mistake and I'll never do it again." Okay, I wasn't going to argue; if he really felt that way, then I decided I would stand by him.

Until I heard the Death Wish, that is. The exact words that came out of his mouth were, "I have to tell her the truth and ask for her forgiveness." Now this was getting serious; the time came for a friend to step in. I could either let him make a foolish mistake and lose his girlfriend (that I didn't care much for anyway), or I could help him make the rational decision — lie.

I told him that if he wanted to tell her the truth, he might as well break up instead. There was no way that she would forgive him and take him back. If he was really honest, why would he cheat in the first place? The best thing would be for him to keep his mouth shut and pretend nothing ever happened.

The Death Wish There are five basic reasons why you should never confess to having an affair:1. She will dump you. 2. If she does forgive you, believe me, she will cheat on you when the opportunity knocks.3. She will dump you.4. She will put you on a leash.5. She will always remind you of your big screw-up; bring out the cash and get ready to spend to make up for it.

No matter what you believe, the solution is to lie, lie, lie. Never admit to cheating, just deny it. Eventually you'll end up believing the lie yourself and everyone will be happy.

My advice to unfaithful men is to get out of their relationships. If you cheated, it's not simply because you are a jerk. It is likely that you weren't happy with your girlfriend to begin with. There is no point in wasting time on a hopeless relationship. Save yourself and your lover the trouble and get out.

When you leave her, don't tell her you cheated, though. Remember; she has a lot of friends. You don't want her to create negative publicity about your personality and consequently take away your chances of getting it on with women from the same circle.

What ultimately happened to my buddy? Of course, he followed his instincts and told her the truth. Let's just say he misses her a lot and his face is still recovering from her fingernails.