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Saturday, September 10, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

It seems like just yesterday Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston started their fake romance and … well, it was really just yesterday; but now it’s over quicker than you can say Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend.

And Team TayTay is spinning the breakup that she was uncomfortable with Hiddleston’s need for the spotlight — though she was the one dressed as the Queen Mother when they took a Paparazzi Walk™ during Week One of their “relationship.”

A source close to the couple — and I believe it was Hello Kitty — says:

“She was the one to put the brakes on the relationship. Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with. Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection but Tom didn’t listen to her concerns when she brought them up.”

Huh, because this is the girl who turns every relationship she’s ever had into a song and he wanted to be more public.

Sit down Taylor.

Now, on Tom Hiddleston’s side comes the rumor that he broke up with her because he was bored watching a life-sized Kepwie Doll reenact the Transformation of Sandy scene in a nightly reboot of Grease.

Friends of Hiddleston — it sounds like a support group — are coming forward to claim it he who decided to give Swifty the boot because he was ‘tired of her.’ Of course, they also seem to suggest that Hiddleston has a ‘three month rule’ with the women he dates and that TayTay felt like a ‘three year date.’

Look, I really don’t know who dumped who, and I really don’t care; I’m just glad I can go back to having those kinds of dreams about Hiddleston without having Taylor Swift dressed in Pink Cotton Candy come into the dream as well.

In Lindsay Lohan News …

Remember back in 2013 when she tried to sue Pitbull, saying he’d caused her “emotional distress” by rapping the lyric “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan” in his song Give Me Everything and the courts told her to go away?

And in 2015 another court threw out Lindsay and Mama Dina’s lawsuit against Fox News for saying that they do coke together?

Well, this week the New York state appeals court got to play the Kick Lindsay Lohan and Her Stupid Lawsuits To The Curb game by throwing out the lawsuit she filed against the makers of Grand Theft Auto V because she says they created a video game version of a coke-addicted cracktress that Lohan just knew was based on her.

I guess if you don’t have a career and need to make some coins, and the money you get being a low-rent, yacht-going, chain-smoking, vodka-drinking call girl isn’t enough, you turn to the courts for cash.

Oh Tyga, when will you learn that is you just pay for stuff then people won’t repo it?

So, last week Chris Brown was arrested for ALLEGEDLY threatening former Miss California RegionalBaylee Curranwith a gun in his home.

The story goes that Chris had refused to come out of his house when police showed up after Curran called them, and instead took to social media to videotape his plight and ALLEGEDLY throw a bag of guns and drugs out a window.

Well, Brown’s mouthpiece, Mark Geragos, slithered from the slime to say that no firearms or drugs were found in Brown’s house and claimed the whole mess was based on “false information.” Except, you know, this is Chris Brown we’re talking about.

Geragos says he was called by Brown during the standoff and advised his client not to come outside his home or to consent to anything, and to wait for him to get there … after he rinsed off that primordial ooze he sleeps in”

“From the best of my knowledge, for the entire time I was there, there was no gun — or guns — found in that house whatsoever. There were no drugs, that I’m aware, that were found in that house whatsoever.”

That’s a lot of “whatoevers” in there; Geragos should learn to throw in a few “here-to-fores” and some “notwithstandings” if he wants to earn his coins.

Now, to be fair, and I will be, even to Chris Brown, it appears Curran’s story is full of holes; while she said Brown “menaced” her with a gun after she took notice of another man’s “jewelry” — I’m not sure if that’s a euphemism or not — none of the six witnesses supported Curran’s story though I believe most are on the Brown payroll, so, yeah, there’s that.

Geragos maintains Curran was asked to leave “because she was acting in an erratic manner” and so she made up the whole mess. Apparently she sent friends a text that read:

“Chris Brown is kicking me out of his house because I called his friend’s jewelry fake, can you come get me?”

She then, ALLEGEDLY, texted that if she couldn’t get picked up she would “set him up and call the cops and say he tried to shoot me and that will teach him a lesson.”

Curran denies sending the texts.

Look, I don’t know if Brown pulled a gun on this girl, or if this girl is just a mess of a human being, but I do know that barely a week goes by without reports of Brown with guns or Brown being abusive towards women.

So, again, yeah, there’s that.

Rumor had it that Tom Hiddleston went after Taylor Swift to raise his profile because he wanted to play James Bond now that My-Husband-In-My-Head, Daniel Craig, announced he’d rather slit his wrists than play Bond again.

Hiddleston was on the short list of Bond producerBarbara Broccoli’s namesto be the new Bond, alongside Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Fassbender, Luke Evans, Aidan Turner and Charlie Hunnam. But Sony Pictures doesn’t want to mess with a good paycheck and so they’ve offered to send trainloads of cash to Daniel Craig if he’ll just do a couple of more pictures.

And so they have offered him $150 million dollars to do Bond just two more times.

I have written to Sony and told them that I will play Bond for just $75 million, thereby saving them half a trainload of coins, but I haven’t heard back yet.

Meanwhile, back at Lindsay Lohan …

Since she cannot make any money doing films, and she cannot get her Russian fiancé away from the hookers and to the church, and she cannot get Vladimir Putin to pay her way to Russia, she’s doing what she does best: trying to get some media attention so maybe someone will pay for an interview and she can stock up on ciggies and booze again.

See, this past week Lohan was in Mykonos and was spotted wearing a ring with a good-sized yellow gem in it on that finger.

She’s reportedly been hanging in Greece with restaurant owner Dennis Papageorgiou and so maybe he’s become her fiancé, or checkbook, of the month now that Egor has gone back to Russian whores.

Britney Spears appears to have taken a page from the Lohan Book of Making Coins because her team of lawyers has threatened to sue In Touch Weekly for saying BritBrit was acting “erratic” at the VMAs last week.

InTouch claims Spears was ALLEGEDLY “talking and laughing to herself” and speaking in a British accent again … Wait, so is she doing Lohan or Madonna?

Anyway, Britney’s lawyers sent a threatening letter to the rag saying the story was “utterly false, highly defamatory and completely offensive to Ms. Spears” especially since she’s worked really hard to step out of the shadow of her former image of being erratic and talking to herself like she was Mary Poppins.

And now, this last weekend, Kanye West held another fashion show for his post-apocalyptic women’s wear and it was a literal hot mess.

The Yeezy fashion show, held on Roosevelt Island in New York, was supposed to start at 3 but was more than 2 hours late — Kanye was probably trying to squeeze Kim’s ass into one of his “designs” —and, as he did last year, the models stood utterly still for hours. Except this was outside and it was nearly ninety degrees and several of the models, who hadn’t eaten since 2004, toppled over from the heat while hordes of invited fashion editors left the scene.

Even worse, is that Kanye’s minions did nothing to help these girls so some members of the audience helped the fallen to their feet, gave them water and a TicTac™ until the show finally began. And that was even messier because some of the shoes Kanye used were so broke, or so small, the models couldn’t walk in them.

Seriously, Kanye, a model’s job is to stand and walk and you couldn’t even get them to do that in your drab line of Spandex-wear?