Wave ban at the ‘G’

Administrators of the largest cricket stadium in the world have been wracking their brains for methods of controlling the crowd madness that takes control during one-day internationals but the MCG’s big boys have struck gold now.

In a brilliantly conceived piece of legislation that is bound to keep the 70 000 or so fans that regularly turn up for these games pinned firmly to their seats, the Mexican Wave has been banned.

With a ruthless disregard for one of Australia’s favourite sports-watching pastimes, the Wave is gone – just like that. While drunken, aggressive and obnoxious fans have been ejected for years, they will now be joined by waving ones.

“Over recent years the MCG has consistently been at the top of the (Australian) list for poor crowd behaviour at one-day matches,” said ACB chief executive James Sutherland before adding, proudly: “and on a world scale it is right up there as well.”

As a result, the wave, like full strength beer, is now banned.

The problem, it seems to me, is how this ban will be enforced. And how will 60 000 of the 70 000 crowd be ejected together if it is enforced?

Will patrons be given a friendly warning? “One more wave and you’re out…” Perhaps the police will use video technology and the public address system to aid them. “The men in section 13, row J – yes, you in the nurses’ uniforms, no more waving!”

Perhaps each paying spectator will be compelled to sign a ‘no waving’ vow before entering what is known affectionately in Melbourne as “The G”.

“I, Bruce Beergut, promise not to wave at any stage …”

But there are further complications. What happens if you spot an old friend in a different part of the stadium. Will a friendly wave result in eviction from the stadium? Perhaps the ban could be restricted to two-armed waves only.

Ah yes, but what happens if a section of the crowd decided to start a Peruvian wave? Only highly skilled wave aficionados would be able to spot the difference, but the ban only applies to the Mexican Wave at this stage.

Clearly MCG officials will have to reconsider the whole thing.

There is only one thing to do. Extend the ban to cover all South and Central American waves. It is the only thing to do.