Phish Stuns Fans at Conclusion of Final Show

Phish's final farewell... or is it?

All good jams must come to an end.

After 21 years together, Vermont 'jam band' Phish held a two-day farewell concert
in remote Coventry, Vermont last weekend.

Despite zero radio airplay, Phish became internationally famous for their improvisational,
transcendent concerts, their rabid, cult-like, certifiably insane legions of
fans, and the staggeringly high drug consumption at their concerts.

Although plagued with logistical problems and a mud-soaked venue reminiscent
of Woodstock, 70 000 fans, many of whom walked 800 miles just to get there,
showed up for the group's farewell show.

And what a show it was!

After playing their final song, a stirring one-hour 39-minute rendition of
the Curtain With, each band member gently placed his instrument down
and gave an emotional final wave. Then, as the skies above opened and a brilliant
white light surrounded the stage, band members Trey Anastasio, Jon (Fish) Fishman,
Mike Gordon and Page McConnell ascended into the heavens.

"I overheard people talking about [singer] Trey 'going up above' or something
like that, but I thought it was just stoner talk," said Burlington
Quaint reporter Becky Noonan, who was covering the concert. "But then
I looked up, and there they were... What an ultimate tribute."

"As the only person in attendance who wasn't on hallucinogenic drugs,
I can confirm that this really did happen," said Noonan.

Gary Whatamigonnado-Withmylifenow, the recipient of 13 different restraining
orders from the Anastasio family and President of the International Phellowship
of Phishphanatics, has never missed a Phish concert in his life. He actually
claims to have known the band's ascent into jam band heaven was coming.

"After extensively consulting my notes of setlists, band member sightings,
and the number of times the words "fish" or "Bathtub Gin"
were ever mentioned on the Simpsons, I was able to determine that the
members of the band would indeed levitate skywards after their final show. Clearly,
they had no more to accomplish in the mortal world."

Although most fans were surprised, many knew the ascension was inevitable.

"It's all on my website, phreakPhishphanatics.com," insisted the
Phish aficionado. "Although I thought it would have been Page, then Mike,
then Fish. But Mike ascended heavenwards second, after Trey. Dammit! I should
have known better...I guess I should get a job now."

Phish nut Jeff Nicu of Salem, Massachusetts witnessed the band's long strange
trip as well. "I was going off to get a patchouli refill at the vendor's
tent before the ride home, when I could have sworn I saw the dudes like, flying,
but I figured I was hallucinating from the seven hits of acid. But then I read
about it in the paper this morning, and, like, it really did happen. Whoa..."

Nicu feels that Phish's ascent into heaven is a positive omen.

"This means that Phish will live again, for sure, man. Like it says in
the bible somewhere, you know, Trey will come back to earth to judge like, the
quick and those who don't have a bootlegged cassette of the December 2, 1983
show at the University of Vermont Harris-Mills cafeteria...

"I smell a reunion. No wait, that's just my armpits."

Calls to both Phish's management as well as any of the major Christian denominations
were not returned.