INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

POST OFFICE DELIVERS NEWS: Rev. Rudolph Daniels Sr., of New Jersey,had withdrawn $5000 to give to his children as a late Christmas present. He says he lost the wallet while walking home in a snowstorm. A postal worker found the wallet with the money and Daniels’ identification, and returned to the post office who contacted the reverend. The worker refused a reward. This proves definitively the postal service is not affiliated with the government.

ALL GOD’S CHILDREN NEWS: A Catholic priest in Rhode Island was counseling teenagers when he told one he hoped the child rot in Hell. The priest admitted the utterance and told the boy’s father he was trying a new tactic to get kids to come to church more often. Of course, the boy was throwing f-bombs and damaged church property. Perhaps the priest and the boy should apologize and the parents should pay for damages. Both should have to say four Hail Marys, twelve Our Fathers and sing, “I Will Always Love You.”

BEING PREPARED NEWS: A Texas Girl Scout troop was stationed outside a grocery store when they and their scout leader spotted a man who appeared to be shoplifting. He had a cart full of loose groceries without bags. When he got into his car with the ill-gotten booty, they reported him to store employees. The thief and his accomplice attempted to abscond over $2000 in food, wine and appliances. Authorities were called and the couple was arrested. As part of their sentencing, the bad guys should have to buy a year’s supply of those expensive Girl Scout cookies.

I’M NOT DEAD YET NEWS: A 78-year-old Mississippi man had been receiving hospice care for end-stage cardiovascular disease and other ailments before being pronounced dead and taken to a funeral home in a body bag. Just before embalming, he sat up, only to die again two weeks later. “I think he’s gone this time,” his nephew said. Hospital officials believe his ailments put him in a deep sleep, which may explain why many politicians often appear dead.