Dating Exclusively

Every time I date a nice guy, especially if I like him, I feel so insecure and wonder, what if he’s dating someone else at the same time? Just last month, I met a cute guy and we went out and had so much fun together. The next week, he called me and we went out again. Now it’s been a month and we’ve gone out four times. The last time I saw him, I asked him if we could define our relationship. In response, he started talking, but somehow didn’t really say anything, and I got the feeling he was probably seeing someone else. But what could I do? Everything was still so new between us, so I let the subject drop.

But here’s the thing: We have so much fun together. We get along. We click. He seems to like me a lot. I decided that everything was probably okay until yesterday when my brother went to a coffee shop and saw him with another girl. I’m afraid to bring this up with him because the conversation didn’t go well the last time; he’s obviously not ready to be exclusive with me. My best friend tells me to relax – this is just how dating is. She says it’s 100% normal for us to both date multiple people at once until we decide together to make the relationship exclusive. But I don’t want to date multiple people. I want him. I’m going nuts thinking about him dating other girls. I don’t want to lose him.

What should I do?

The Tinder Revolution

My friend, you are an unwitting victim of the new culture that I call “the Tinder Revolution.” Although it’s always been possible to see more than one person at a time, technology – and Tinder, where one swipes right or left to meet or reject another – is just one app of many that has made it much easier for us to encounter, get-to-know, and “communicate” with multiple people simultaneously.

However, despite the apparent benefits, the Tinder Revolution often leaves us feeling less self-confident, confused, frustrated, and empty. Why?

Everybody wants to feel special and to be treated with love and respect. Agreeing to date someone while he or she dates other people signals that it is somehow acceptable not to respect or value you. At a minimum, it is a waste of your time, as more likely than not, non-exclusive relationships peter out. At worst, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, getting attached to a person who refuses to focus on you.

While he’s out with you having coffee, his mind could be on the dinner he had with her last night.

Ever been at a party or a function where someone is talking to you, but at the same time scanning the room looking for someone else to talk to? Someone more interesting and prettier. Someone else, just not you. Pay attention to me, you’re thinking. It is rude and disrespectful to be subject to such behavior. It is certainly not a confidence builder. Dating someone while they’re dating other people is the same thing. While he’s out with you having coffee, his mind could be on the dinner he had with her last night.

Too Many Options

The Tinder Revolution leads to confusion. I know many people think, It’s okay if he’s dating others besides me. I can also date multiple people and still make the right choice. But it’s a mistake. Dating multiple people has significantly disabled bachelors and bachelorettes from focusing on the people sitting right in front of them. Studies show that too many options actually make it harder to choose. Contrary to expectations, providing more varieties and flavors and choices of a product to consumers is not beneficial to people and does not lead to more sales. With too many choices people can’t make up their minds and often don’t, leading to lower sales.

The same phenomenon applies to relationships. But we’re talking people here, not ice cream. When we aren’t focusing on one person at a time, we can lose the most important “sale” of our life!

The Tinder Revolution leads to frustration and emptiness. When someone is dating multiple people and not focusing on you, time is passing by. If you’re dating a guy for two months and he is still not exclusive with you, you need to take a sober look at how you’re using your precious dating time. Not one minute of those two months was focused exclusively on you, a prerequisite to really evaluating taking a relationship to the next step. But you really like him and don’t want to leave him because you think maybe tomorrow he will tell you that he wants to date you exclusively. So you hang in there with anxiety and hope while another month goes by.

Finally he tells you that he doesn’t see a marriage potential here. Perhaps, in the end you didn’t either, so no harm, right? Wrong. If you had dated exclusively, both of you would have come to this place sooner and not wasted precious time. Worse, if in fact you did fall for him, then you’re left heartbroken and empty. While there’s no magic bullet to prevent heartbreak, there is a good chance that if the relationship ended sooner you would not have fallen so hard.

How to Get to Yes

In the future, from the first date, let the guy know what you want and need: exclusivity. All right, it’s too late for that here. Even if you’ve missed your opportunity to set your boundaries on the first date, do it now. Tell him you won’t date him while he’s seeing other women. Period.

“I want to give you my full attention because I value and respect you.”

He might say, “I can’t commit right now.” You’re not asking him to. You’re just requiring that while he’s dating you, he’s dating you and you alone.

He might say, “But you can see other men!” Tell him, “I want to give you my full attention because I value and respect you. I want to be with you without the distraction of other men. If we don’t work out and wind up going our separate ways, at least I’ll know I gave us a fair shot. That’s how I date. I expect you to treat me with the same courtesy.”

And if he refuses, consider yourself lucky that you’re finding this out now, before throwing away months when you could be dating more effectively.

The Sure-Fire Attraction

Don’t be scared. You’d be surprised how much a statement like that will impress and be endearing to quality guys. (And vice versa. Sometimes guys need to tell women this as well.) There’s no bigger turn-off than a woman without self-confidence. Insisting that a man date you exclusively while he’s dating you sends him the signal that you are special, that you deserve love and care and respect. You won’t scare the good ones away.

In my many years of matchmaking I’ve found that the one thing that’s gotten even the most confirmed bachelors off the fence and into marriage are women with inner self-confidence – no matter how quiet or soft they are – that insist on being treated the way they would treat their partner – with exclusive attention. It’s a sure-fire attraction.

Ziva Kramer, MA has been an international matchmaker, dating coach and spiritual advisor for professional singles for many years. Known for her honesty, candor, and for passing out wisdom that people trust.

My trusted friends were just speaking this a major Jew problem that does not affect the Hindu, nor Muslims. Women from 20 to 60 are confused by the term "Independent". "Free to do what ever they want". City life vs the Farm life, women not working with their husband together inn the same work and home arena, has produced an emotionally inept adult children syndrome, a sickness. Children running off to high priced university, living in the Social Lifestyle, has condemned our Grandparents struggles to come to the USA.. You want to meet, meet at AISH. AISH has provided reminders of how to live as a JEW would live with interpersonal social Marriage, sans divorces.

(37)
Bobby5000,
March 26, 2018 5:55 PM

sensible statements

Laying down rules on a first date seems wrong. I think a sensible woman does not start an intimate relationship immediately, and by a third date, can legitimately say, are we exclusive.

Outside some orthodox communities, talking about marriage on a first date seems strange, something like a man asking for financial statements or discussing prenuptial agreements. By the completion of a third date, one hopefully knows a man and can say I would like to continue to date just you. .

(36)
Anonymous,
January 7, 2018 7:34 PM

Spot on article.

I was dating someone for 4 months then found out he was taking another woman to a concert I’d have given my right eye to attend. And it was on my bday. I’d also resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn’t be with him in my bday because it wasn’t the one year anniversary of his wife’s passing. When I found out he was going to this concert with another woman he want d to explain but I didn’t need an explanation. I just knew how it made me feel so I gave him the choice to continue to date me but this time exclusively, or I saw no reason to see him again.
Haven heard from him since and that was nearly a month ago. Oh well.

(35)
Anonymous,
November 26, 2017 4:53 AM

Oh come on! You shouldn't even mention Tinder.. at least in my country is totally destroying honest people.. the app is well known to search contacts to get laid.. and of course: why would be a man willing to have a serious relationship when he has thousands of women available to hang on with, with no efforts! Why only dating only one when he can have them all.. why searching for a jewish girl to marry when he has a whole world of women.. this app should burn..

(34)
Joe,
October 24, 2017 8:01 PM

Pressure

Can you really be yourself when you know that you are competing with other unknown suitors?

(33)
Melvin Gordon,
October 24, 2017 5:24 PM

Get real!

Until you are engaged or a proposal is made both male and female are free to date as many people as they desire.

(32)
Jacqueline Pollard,
January 12, 2017 9:04 PM

Exclusivity boundaries are critical in providing in sight to a potential date.

This article is perhaps the first article, from its introduction to its logical conclusion, that seeks to empower the "unwitting victim of the new culture of the Tinder revolution". As one of those victims, I was often left perplexed by the obvious contradiction of dating multiple partners while trying to select the "one". The prerequisite to really evaluating a potential partner must be done with exclusivity boundaries in place, since this is by far the best way to achieve as safe and anxiety- free environment as possible to make such a critical decision.
When multiple suitors are circulating in the backdrop of a couple trying to forge a healthy relationship, it makes for an unecessarily confusing situation. Further, the expectation to accept this chaos is inherently off putting, and anyone caught up in this debacle, needs to locate their courage, self-respect and question the Tinder revolution process.
NOTHING beats giving your date full attention, which means having exclusivity boundaries.

(31)
Taly,
July 23, 2015 3:38 PM

What about online?

I met someone on a dating website, who lives far way, and we hit it off and been writing to each other everyday and skyping for about a month. He's flying to see me in another month and there is a lot of pressure and build-up as we're going to meet for the first time! In this situation, do you think it's ok to date other people? I think he might be and it makes me feel uneasy, and we've never even met! What do you think? Should I say something? Or should I wait until we meet?

(30)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2015 12:41 PM

The suggestion will scare a lot of guys

This demand of exclusivity is going to scare a lot of man and woman. Its very possible that a man is dating a few women and is not sure, demanding exclusivity early in the game will scare the man especially if they did not have sex yet. If a guy has an intimate relationship with one woman non committal he is not going to drop her for another so fast but he may do it if the chemistry is there and he feels the lady in front of him is a better choice and this takes time. A lady who is demanding from day one exclusive relations will probably scare off a good man more then get him, its better to be patient and believe in yourself and let the better woman win his heart. if a man did not decide to be exclusive it means that he is not really into you, and this you can see after maybe 5-10 dates. if there was no sex, its doubtful he will be exclusive if another woman does have sex with him.

Maria,
July 11, 2017 8:59 PM

A good man does not date around... I'm sorry, but such a man is simply not serious about really starting a monogamous relationship. If he were, he would be trilled to learn that the woman he likes so much is giving him all her attention. But if he's not sure he actually likes her, of course he wants to date around! Let me put it this way: if you go out shopping and you find the sweater you were looking for and they only have one piece of it in your size, would you hurry up to buy it so no one else buys it meanwhile, or would you still be shopping around for days? I think we all know which answer makes sense. And if a man doesn't like you enough, then there's no point in dating him.

Anonymous,
October 24, 2017 3:05 PM

Depends on where you are in the eraltionship

If you have already gone out three or four times, then there is wisdom in this argument. But to expect someone on a first date not to be going out with anyone else is silly...and only makes it more difficult for people to find a potential mate

(29)
Jonah,
April 13, 2015 1:36 PM

Great article and very accurate

Very accurate this article accurately depicts college dating. Tinder has revolutionized the dating game for young adults

(28)
Anonymous,
April 13, 2015 4:51 AM

The proof is in the pudding.

After reading the article and all the comments below it, one fact strikes me as obvious: If he's going out with other girls, then he's not that into you. We can blame new technology or shadchanim or all kinds of things. But the bottom line is: If the guy felt something special with her, he wouldn't go out with other girls. Also, you cannot force/trick/maneuver someone into being exclusive with you. She spoke to him about it, he didn't respond as she may have wanted him to: that's his answer. Sorry to say it so bluntly. I think we all know when someone is "into" us, and when we are "into" someone else. All the rest is commentary.

(27)
Andy,
April 11, 2015 7:40 PM

great advice!

If a man is serious about dating for marriage he'll likely agree to not date multiple women simutaneously. If he won't agree it seems to me it tells you a lot about his willingness to put his desires on hold for even for a short while. As a man it's confusing to date more than one woman simultaneously, as one is unable to focus on her qualities alone. The temptation to give an unsuitable candidate more time before moving on is also likely as one can still see others.I don't think that is kind .I married only after I decided to date one woman at a time.

(26)
Anonymous,
April 11, 2015 2:50 AM

Date Exclusively when Engaged

Ultimately the object of dating is to get married. Until you get to a point of being serious enough for marriage, being constrained by this is not practical. Part of dating, in the beginning is understanding who would make a suitable mate. Dating sequentially in a exclusively although is possible for getting to the marriage state, not dating exclusively isn't immoral, and can also in the beginning be helpful in understanding which type of mate would be most successful for a marriage.

(25)
Anonymous,
April 9, 2015 2:50 AM

Great article. Very true. The author is right on.

Great article. Very true. The author is right on. Dating exclusively is the only honest way to date

(24)
Anonymous,
April 8, 2015 9:37 AM

great article

(23)
Anonymous,
April 7, 2015 9:51 PM

I think it depends

It really depends on the community you are in. Did I date exclusively? I didn't...not if it was early in the game because I would be passing up opportunities for someone else only to have the first guy drop me. If this young lady is traveling in frum circles, it is not out of line or inappropriate to ask to be exclusive. It is understood that both are marriage minded. If she is not traveling in frum circles or in frum but more modern circles, she needs to make clear that she is dating for marriage and wants to be exclusive. This guy has already waffled, he is seeing other people, he is not ready. She should simply say that she thinks they want different things (likely true) and end this relationship. After four or five dates, if he doesn't like her enough to be exclusive, he doesn't like her enough...period.

(22)
rachel,
April 7, 2015 8:17 PM

terrible advice!

During my senior year of college, I had multiple dates with 4 men in the same time frame. 2 became more serious. By the end of first semester I was only seeing one of them.

We got engaged in Feb and married that autumn. That was almost 33 years ago....

In a huge university there were also many potential partners. And in Hashems good time, I met and married my bashert.

(21)
J Efram,
April 7, 2015 8:12 PM

Tinder Has Nothing To Do With It

When a] shadchanim and tachlis sites have had policies that allow for juggling--at least at the outset of dating [for argument's sake, say within the first two dates for both genders]--and b] when one considers that it's been that way since before smartphones were even a conception--one might think this entire thesis is tenuous. Look: an initial encounter or two-- when setups are involved--does not imply any commitment on the part of either party beyond a basic modicum of derech eretz. Getting attached after a first date to the point where you "go crazy" is a sign of confused boundaries. IF the encounter involved a chance meeting and some romantic notions catalyzed the dates, then juggling would be illegitimate. But after a setup? Just like with Rebbetzin Braverman's piece on facebook--we have to stop blaming social media apps for the ostensible "shidduch crisis" [which is as salient as global warming--which is to say, neither one is Toireh Misinai]. Or: we have to pretend to stop using them, and just go Total Tachlis, like we pretend they used to in the alter heim.

(20)
CSC,
April 7, 2015 6:16 PM

Superficiality

Tinder seems to attract these "fabulous" types who excel at short-term, superficial relationships, but nothing else. Explaining to the guy, "Because I value and respect you; I want to give you my fullest attention," isn't enough. She does not merely want a relationship; she wants a husband. He, presumably, wants a wife. This should be implicit in their meetings. If all this time they were just having fun, then neither was serious in the first place. Hopefully she'll have learned from this experience.

(19)
Anonymous,
April 7, 2015 6:05 PM

This article is dangerous.

Ugh! What causes a lack of clarity and too much attachment and vulnerability is investing too much too soon in a guy, whether it be time, physically, emotionally, or commitment wise.
Do NOT act like his girlfriend, by only dating him or getting physical, before he is your boyfriend. It is completely undignified for a woman to dedicate exclusivity and forgoing other dates, even for one week, to a man she doesn't even know and who could drop her the next day. Now THAT is not respecting yourself.
If a man, after getting to know you, decides you are not for him, it will be all the more heartbreaking if you put all your time and emotions in one basket, acting as if you two were bf gf when you were nothing of the sort. Talk about a waste of time.
Getting to the point of commiting out of really knowing each other takes time. And time takes time (2-3 months min.).
If he's not getting to the point where he wants to see only you out of his own free choice within a reasonable amount of time: YOU move on bec he isn't giving you what YOU need. Don't be pathetic and ask or demand exclusivity. Know there are guys out there that will choose to be with only you freely, and don't settle for anything less than that. YOU are the chooser too. And if you haven't gotten physical and you've been getting to know other guys too, it won't be a big deal to walk away. YOU be the chooser, not the guy.
If a guy wouldn't pick you out exclusively with other options, the answer is not to demand there be no other options, but to realize that it's just not a match because YOU will only choose someone who will.
I mean really, what would bring you long term emotional saftey and satisfaction more? Someone who commited bec he limited his options and put blinders on (and so did you) or because out of everyone he got to know, YOU were the one who was the right match?
It's not all about getting to "I do." You still have an entire life to live with someone after that.

Ayelet,
April 14, 2015 4:07 AM

Really?

Wow, so many defensive, angry responses. First of all, exclusive doesn't mean physical!! Just don't take me out today, someone else out tomorrow, and me again the next day. Dating can be gotten over with much quicker if people weren't embarrassed to sound interested or to have real conversations. My husband and I dated for less than a month before becoming engaged. 13 years later, life couldn't be more wonderful. Much hatzlacha to all those seeking life partners.

Anonymous,
April 15, 2015 10:14 PM

yes, right but...

I agree with everything the above writer said except for one thing...it is ok to make sure the person you are seeing is dating you exclusively after the 2-3 months time. If he doesn't no ultimatum, just a nice smile and "I don't think we're headed in the same direction". That's it.

(18)
anonymous,
April 7, 2015 4:13 PM

Too much, too soon

I couldn't disagree more. My son who is dating is finding that after 2 weeks of meeting and seeing someone, the "M" word is already brought into the conversation, along with extended family issues of culture, minhagim, how many kids to have. Such a turn off. He is left wondering, "why can't these women just chill a bit and let things develop organically? I don't even know if I like you after 2 months!" This approach puts such a damper on the relationship from the start and clouds a time of dating when feelings should be new and exciting, into a bit of a business arrangement. Just too premature.

Anonymous,
April 15, 2015 10:15 PM

I don't know

After two months you should know if you like someone. And yes, a week to two weeks might seem too soon but the other side, (that happens more commonly) is that you go on "50 first dates". At some point the relationship has to get deeper than hanging out and I think after date 4 things should start getting more serious, discussing values etc.

(17)
Batzi,
April 7, 2015 1:49 PM

But what if the girl was his cousin....?

Unless the brother of the woman writing this knows for sure that the guy wasn't meeting his cousin who he grew up with and loves very much and may have a very close relationship with (or some other relationship of this kind) then some kind of clarification is in order...But it wasn't clear from the letter who the 'other girl' is. There's SO much "marit ayin" all over and perhaps we should spend a bit more effort on "ladun lekaf z'chut". Since it's happened to me personally, I know what I'm talking about.

(16)
Mike,
April 7, 2015 8:45 AM

don't agree with everything

1. The man was seen with another women. How does anyone know anything about their relationship, and how he sees it? There are so many possible explanations. (Maybe his parents 'forced' him to meet with that women?)2. There definitely is confusion today on so many things,and it's hard to say whether it is men's fault or women's fault, or the fault of society in general. The man may be just as disoriented as the women (I wouldn't assume necessarily too much. Just like the women wrote that she was concidering seeing someone else as well, the man might (or might not) have thought the same). I wouldn't assume so much.(to show that women also make mistakes: curiously enough, the fact that that man was seen with another women, does not make him less attractive to the women who wrote! And the opposite is true as well.Let's be honest. Not everything that women do is smart, either.3. I don't think that it is wrong that she asked to date exclusively, because she actually made a positive statement.But I am sceptical about putting TOO much pressure on a person, and that that can make him (or her) want to escape.4. Again, I wouldn't assume too much, and just see how things are going. If it's a good match, why wouldn't the man want to 'choose' the women who wrote.5. Concerning exclusivity: But what if the man wanted -or felt compelled (for example by parents)- to meet other women as well? This seems to be the case with Shidduchim in the Hareidi world, that they meet with several potential matches.6. I think the word 'dating' has been terribly mis-used in recent times. People who say they dated often mean a very serious, and intimate relationship - something that has nothing to do with going on dates. It's a euphemism.I'm not sure if the concept 'dating exclusively' does not refer to that kind of a relationship, rather than GOING on dates.I don't think there is something intrinsically immoral in getting to know several people.

(15)
SusanE,
April 6, 2015 6:25 PM

She Should Leave.

"Every time I date a nice guy, I wonder, if he’s dating someone else at the same time? - - - But I don’t want to date multiple people. I want him. I’m going nuts thinking about him dating other girls. I don’t want to lose him"

This woman is causing her own grief. She is having a good time, having fun, likes him, they clilck......... then she gets possessive and it's not fun anymore. She has done this with every nice guy she finds. That isn't normal mature behavior.

I don't want to lose him. Well, she doesn't have him to lose. He's already seeing other women (according to her brother). What's the problem with just enjoying a mans company on Friday at dinner, then another mans company at a community function on Wednesday, and then going to a Flea Market on Sunday morning with another man?

If she is going nuts thinking about him being with another woman, she does have a problem. She isn't mature enough right now to handle her emotions. She already spoke to him about a relationship and didn't get the answer she wanted. It's a done deal.

Lois Homer,
April 7, 2015 5:15 PM

Amen

Great idea. Why not date different guys at the same time and if this one wants to go out when you have plans, he'll learn that you have other men in your life and won't be waiting around for him to call. Just tell him you already have plans and leave it at that. If he doesn't call back, no great loss.

Zvi,
April 8, 2015 6:04 AM

Yes, there IS a "problem"

SusanE writes: "What is the problem with just enjoying a man's company on Friday at dinner and then another man's company..."There are several "problems".First, it is REALLY questionable if one is having a "good time" WITH THE PERSON CURRENTLY being "dated" of one's mind is [potentially] already "planning" the next date...However, that is a relatively "minor" problem...The "major" problem is that [within the Jewish community] the dating is NOT simply to "have a good time". The dating is to "locate" the person with whom this lady will wish to spend the rest of her life... and that is virtually NOT POSSIBLE if the "other party" is still "playing the field". Unlike the non Jewish world, "dating" is [usually] NOT regarded as nothing more than having a good time...

SusanE,
April 9, 2015 2:30 PM

Dating isn't wrong.

If the people dating aren't having a good time together why would they want to commit to marriage? A good time isn't being intimate or having a relationship. Having a good time together is first trusting and being friends, and enjoying each others company. That is a good basis for marriage I think. And if the relationship doesn't progress you have still made a friend, and can look elsewhere for a mate.

(14)
Bobby5000,
April 4, 2015 11:40 AM

be realistic

I have a family member who could have been the guy here, handsome, confident, life of the party, a little distance which makes women like him more, adept with people. For women interested in a fun casual relationship things work out fine, but for others it does not. Some suggestions.

1. Don't pick the most handsome (guy (or pretty women) and figure on a quick exclusive relationship. Search for qualities other than those valued by the masses.

2. The article says, "Not one minute of those two months was focused exclusively on you, a prerequisite to really evaluating taking a relationship to the next step." But many are not interested in that next step. Be realistic. Once she had the talk and got vague statements, she should realize that she is one of several and he may go through many more relationships before settling down probably several years from now.

(13)
Anonymous,
April 3, 2015 7:14 PM

great article

I've found that when you respect yourself even the men who are not ready to commit place you in a different category than the rest. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: you train people how to treat you and no one can insult you without your consent.

(12)
Anonymous,
April 3, 2015 12:48 AM

I love this absolute truth!!!

Thank you Zivale! Many of us over 35, lost our compass for parameters in dating with true self-esteem! Thank you for clarifying the issues and redirecting us to a higher absolute truth, the Torah way!

(11)
Elena,
April 1, 2015 8:28 AM

Great Article!

I agree that Tinder might be an easy solution and very much available on the go, but it isn't the solution!

(10)
Naomi Grossman,
April 1, 2015 8:17 AM

Preach!

"Everybody wants to feel special and to be treated with love and respect." Can I get an Amen?

This article spoke to me on so many levels!

(9)
Janette,
April 1, 2015 8:12 AM

Love it

Great piece, Ziva! In the 21st century, someone must stand up for our rights.

(8)
elaine fleischman,
March 31, 2015 9:23 PM

This is a great article as it emphasizes the Torah wisdom in dating and human nature

Since I am out of the dating scene I find more and more that the whole secular dating scene is playing on the yatzer hara and it is all lies and false. It just justifies the self centered approach in the secular world and playing games with people's time , minds and bodies.

It is important for you to point these ideas out and I lived it and wasted about 2 decades of my life.

The secular way tells you that you are growing in these relationship and learning but it only deepens selfishness and frustration. There is no growing in the secular ways only justifying staying in obsession with self and a lot of emptiness.

Actually my dream is to help older women over 35 years old not to get stuck in these traps and waste another 10-20 years. I want to speak out on it , as I too was victimized and playing these games and lying to myself and others.

It is only now that I am on the other side that I could see it.

I guess this is hashem's plan for me that I go through this so maybe I can help others.

I see it happening with friends in their 30's and when I try to tell them about other ways of doing it they don't seem to want to be open to it.

The Torah is the knowledge of truth, respect and wisdom even in dating.

(7)
LW,
March 31, 2015 8:17 PM

Spot on!

This article is spot on! It is so confusing to date in this day and age! Finally some solid advice! Women and men shouldn't be afraid to set their boundaries- we all deserve respect. If someone is not willing to give up on dating other people while they are with you after you've asked them- they they're probably not for you.

(6)
Judy segaloff,
March 31, 2015 7:45 PM

Exclusivity is non-negotiable.

If you are dating with the purpose of finding one person to spend forever with, there is no reason to accept anything less than exclusivity from the start. I had a choice the weekend I met my husband. It happened to be Shabbat Nachamu and there were abundant singles weekends to choose from with tons of potential men to meet, or I could meet this one man I had been talking to who lived out of town and could come in that weekend. I opted for the exclusivity of dating just that one man. Six months later we got engaged. I don't regret my decision to opt out of the singles events. We have been married now for five years.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 31, 2015 7:37 PM

date exclusively is ok if you do focused dating, for broad dating it's not necessary at first

The statement, “I want to give you my full attention because I value and respect you. I want to be with you without the distraction of other men. If we don’t work out and wind up going our separate ways, at least I’ll know I gave us a fair shot. That’s how I date. I expect you to treat me with the same courtesy" is excellent because as a general rule it's healthy and smart to be direct in relationships and in communication in general as well.

However, given that many people are set up on dates with "random" men with whom there is so little in common, in the interest of time sometimes it is ok to go on dates with more than one man at once. By the 3-4th date it's likely not appropriate or expeditious to be spreading yourself too thin with different men. If your dating method involves checking out a guy thoroughly before going on a date, and each guy is likely to be good candidate for you, then dating more than one man at a time may be unnecessary.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 31, 2015 6:56 PM

3 date "rule"

I think exclusivity after the first date is too soon. It should be after 3 dates with the person, where you have a better sense of who the person is and if there may be compatibility.

(3)
Anonymous,
March 31, 2015 6:30 PM

What a smart response!

It's been my experience that exclusivity is often confused with commitment. People believe that if they are exclusive, then they are also committed. Asking someone to be exclusive can be perceived as asking someone to commit before they even get to know you, and most people will react by wanting to immediately flee. I think it is very smart to respond to this misperception by clarifying that "You're not asking him to. You’re just requiring that while he’s dating you, he’s dating you and you alone." And to further explain “I want to give you my full attention because I value and respect you. I want to be with you without the distraction of other men. If we don’t work out and wind up going our separate ways, at least I’ll know I gave us a fair shot. That’s how I date. I expect you to treat me with the same courtesy.” It takes confidence to approach dating this way as well as great faith that one will not "miss out" on someone better while focusing on just one.

(2)
Tova,
March 31, 2015 5:26 PM

Agree with every word written here! Nicely said.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 31, 2015 4:41 PM

It happens in the FRUM Shidduch world, too

I have been shidduch dating in the FRUM world for over 5 years now and reading this article I was reminded of how wide spread this is in the frum world too. I have been to FRUM singles events where I was trying to speak to someone and he was scanning the room looking for prettier girls. Also we don't have tinder in the frum world but we have shadhanim who bow to whatever "order" a frum guy places with them. He wants blond, thin, 10 years younger and he gets it via 10 different choices his pick of shadhanim lays out for him. This has also helped to create "commitment phobic" older single men in the frum community as with so many options laid out before them to fit any "order" they place why should they pick just one? I think this problems needs to be addressed as well.