Wash, DC - ( March 4) -
Vice President Al Gore, today, or was it yesterday?
confessed to being a crack-addicted communist lesbian
cross-dressing transvestite drag queen clone spy alien
cyborg, but stated categorically that, in driving a
truckload of babies off a cliff, he had broken no law,
but that he wouldn't do it again anyway, because it
gave, "Like, the appearance of impropriety, or
whatever."

Gore explained how he'd rented a U-Haul truck, loaded it
up with fertilizer, kerosene, and freshly-kidnapped
babies, then floored it in the direction of a steep
ocean cliff, jumping out just moments before it careened
over the edge, tumbling end over end down the embankment
and smashing into microscopic pieces on the jagged rocks
below while simultaneously exploding and "reinventing"
the shoreline.

"I had planned to run around to the back of the truck,
open it up and get all the kids out, just in the nick of
time, to give these, like, underprivileged children a
sort of Disneyland type experience, which I knew their
parents wouldn't be able to otherwise afford for them,"
said Gore, noticeably trying to restrain himself from
grabbing and biting the head off a bat that was slowly
circling above the assembled reporters and dignitaries
in the Green Room of the White House.

"Unfortunately, my timing was a little off that day, and
I was unable to get around and open the back of the
truck in time to save all their little lives -- but,
again, my lawyer tells me that there is no controlling
legal authority or case that says there was any
violation of law whatsoever."

Gore also indicated that the bug in Microsoft Internet
Explorer which allows anyone to totally read and then
trash your entire hard drive as well as physically grind
your computer to powder, may have been responsible for
his inability to save the truckload of kids before it
went over the edge of the cliff.

Showing noticeable signs of scandal fatigue and
compassion fatigue, Gore admitted that President Clinton
was also a lesbian drag queen and that the two of them
were, in fact, fucking.

Gore also mentioned, in passing, that he may have blown
up the Oklahoma City Federal Building, or whatever, but
even if he did, according to his lawyer, he'd done
nothing wrong and broken no law.

"The truck was legally parked," said Gore, "And had no
outstanding parking or speeding tickets, was registered,
had passed smog inspection, and its rental fee was paid
in full. I went through no red lights or stop signs and
maintained the legal speed limit throughout my trip from
the kerosene and fertilizer store to the federal
building.

"Now, it is true that on a few occasions, I did fuck and
murder JonBenet Ramsey, but I was advised there was
nothing wrong with that practise. The Hatch act does
have a specific provision which says that fucking and
murdering 6 year old beauty queens is not legal for
anybody in the White House -- but the President and Vice
President are not covered by that act.

"Nevertheless, I have unilaterally decided that I won't
do this again, even if JonBenet Ramsey is really still
alive and living in France with Jimi Hendrix, Jimi
Morrison, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, John Belushi, and
Tupac Shakur.

"I also never solicited any money from a maid or cook or
shoeshine boy or driver or housekeeper, in the White
House, nor would I."

Gore then turned around and began manipulating his face
and hair with his hands, in a way that the audience
couldn't see, then turned back to face them, in, like, a
Jimmy Cagney squint or whatever, and said "Please note
that any confession just given to you was fabricated by
my office in an attempt to entrap the real killer or
bomber or motherfucker or whatever.

"The person for whom the alleged confession was intended
had a history of criminal activity and incitement to
violence and the bogus confession was intended to
confuse him into thinking that he was safe or whatever
and besides, this supposed document was not a legitimate
defense memorandum and not a confession of any sort
anyway and I categorically deny committing any crime and
I did not hack into any computer system nor assist
anyone in hacking into any computer system and all these
documents and confessions were obtained lawfully and
through routine news gathering techniques such as lying
and being a dickhead."

The speech or press conference or whatever was
interrupted several times by several members of the
Senate Rules Committee, shouting in unison, their
self-serving slogan, "The Senate Rulez! The Senate
Rulez!"

President Clinton, who wandered by and noticed the
crowd, tried to give an impromptu confessional speech of
his own about the government's stand on the cloning of
humans, but he was shouted down by the press who told
him that was yesterday's news and nobody cared.
Then they begged him to give them some kinda hint for a
new scandal, cause all the old ones were already
getting, you know, kinda boring.

In fact, a reporter for the Dallas Boring News pleaded
for, not just another new scandal, but for "A whole new
category of scandals, a whole new dimension of scandals
-- whatever -- even if it's total fabrication. We'll
buy anything you give us as long as it's filthy and
stupid."

The President acknowledged that he had sorta become, you
know, kinda the entertainer-in-chief or whatever, and
understood that it was incumbent upon him to keep coming
up with whole new scandal routines, otherwise writers
and journalists would have nothing to write about except
the vagrant stomach rumblings which were the coin of
communication within their own, like, brains, or
whatever.

Gore also denied not being on acid during all these
events, but admitted that, had it not been for wife
Tipper, herself notorious for never not being on acid,
who'd advised him to not ever not be on acid, he might
have not been on acid during all these events.

In the end, showing signs of scandal control fatigue,
Gore told journalists, "Look, assholes. This isn't about
fucking money. It's about ego and blowjobs. And you
know it is. Now shut the fuck up and mind your own
business."

When asked point blank, by probing reporters, whether or
not there was any controlling legal authority or case
that said there was any violation of law whatsoever,
Gore responded, point blank, that there was "No
controlling legal authority or case that said there was
any violation of law whatsoever."