Ted Nugent Rushed to Emergency Room

Screaming “Get me a Jew doctor” Ted Nugent was rushed into the emergency room of Central Hospital at 4 am this morning after his penile implant exploded in the Hot Buns movie theater.

Nugent was brought to the emergency room by a young Latino who told reporters “we were jackin’ each other off when this guy’s dick exploded in my hand – and not in a good way ese. Up to then everything was simpatico,” he continued; “He was jackin’ my junk an’ like moanin’ whack my Glock you spic, an’ I wanna see that big spic cannon go off… an’ chupame la pinga…you know? Shit like that, fue genial hombre. An’ he had a gun an’ he was suckin’ on it like it was a pinga too. This is one sick little maricon ese.” The young Latino, who looked to be about 14, wouldn’t give his name. He was staying around because as he put it “this sorry-ass maricon owes me money.”

Reporters, who had rushed to the emergency room, asked Nugent if he was a homosexual, Nugent screamed “Homo? You callin’ me a fuckin’ faggot? I’ll fuckin’ fuck you up you fuckin’ motherfucker. I’ll tie your hands and feet, stick a ball gag in your mouth, bend you over, and fuck you up the ass with my Glock while I squeeze your big juicy hairy balls motherfucker! Where the fuck do you get the dumb idea that I am in any way gay you fucking asshole? I’m a real man, an’ a patriot.”

When another reporter mentioned to Nugent, since he brought up the idea that he’s a “patriot,” that it’s common knowledge that he had shit in his pants to avoid going to Viet Nam, citing Nugent’s claim that 30 days before his Draft Board Physical, he stopped all forms of personal hygiene. The last 10 days he ate nothing but junk food and Pepsi, and a week before his physical, he stopped using the bathroom altogether, virtually living inside his pants caked with excrement and urine, which spectacle won Nugent a deferment. Nugent screamed: “if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed, or I’d kill all the hippies in the foxholes … I would have killed everybody. That’s the kind of man I am.”

Nugent, a dangerous man – to music – was then asked “If you’re not gay, then what were you doing in a 24 hour gay theater at 4 in the morning with a young Latino mutually masturbating each other?” Nugent replied; “Alls I know is if we don’t elect Ted Cruz or Donald Trump and this Hillary bitch gets elected there goes our guns – an’ all our good, manly, God fearing Christian American family values, will go down the crapper.”

I have seen your comments around on some of my favorite people’s blogs, but never stopped by till now. I had the idea that you were a therapist who wrote self-help books, for some reason. This is hilarious–esp. “a dangerous man–to music”. And, I’ve wanted to say this for quite some time, and I mean it with all due respect: Continue…..

I will never, ever get tired of this role-playing thing, this dress-up-as-a-crazy-person-and-rant-like-a-freak thing you do. You pick the most colorful characters. What do you do for Halloween, I wonder?

a very good question Anna…and one which deserves a straight-up answer. the thing is, when donning a costume one should be completely hidden in it – and no talking “cause your friends know your voice – the feeling of interacting with people who are your closest friends, and who haven’t a clue as to who’s under there, is incomparable…it’s like being the invisible man. and yes, one year i went as the invisible man, face and neck completely wrapped in gauze, sun glasses to cover eyes, turtle neck shirt, hat on head, jacket , gloves on hands – totes over shoes, etc. had mime conversations with my closest friends who could not figure out who this person was who they were sitting with. another year i was the hunchback of notre dame, a full length moroccan djelaba with hood, quasimodo mask, gloves, and of course the signature hump. again, noby the way, thanks for the kind props in your comment. i really appreciate it. continue…

Perfect! I knew you were that masked man. (Only thing is I’d want to hear you talk– perhaps a voice-modifying device for this year, so you can go off on one of your riffs?) (Oh, to be a fly on the wall at your Halloween party!)

I’m wondering if my follow-up comment landed in your spam folder because there was a link in it, or if I inadvertently hit something other than ‘post comment’. In the great scheme of things, I know it doesn’t matter. I was just wondering. Carry on, dear Tony, carry on… 🙂