Thursday, November 26, 2009

I woke up happy on Thanksgiving morning and I couldn't wait to eat my food. Mom told me about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I saw the balloons and there was a Sesame Street balloon that was very big and it was very heavy. I wanted to watch my show on Disney Channel but I missed it. I liked the parade and I thought it sounded cool. When I came downstairs I saw Dad watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It sounded fun to watch the parade on TV. I told Grandma Bee as she woke up, "Happy Thanksgiving!". She sounded surprised once she heard me talk to her. That afternoon, we were listening to a Mary Hopkins music video on YouTube called "Those Were The Days". When Mom was cooking the turkey in the kitchen, I was helping her cook as much as I could. She said it would be ready by 5:30 PM and it would take about 20-30 minutes for it to cool down because it was in the oven for about more than an hour. I wanted to help Mom as best as I could because she was cooking and I wanted to help set out the dishes and cups and put them on the dining room table. Mom was proud of me and Grandma and Dad told me what a wonderful job I did. Even though it was a hot kitchen I did my best. When the turkey was ready, Mom used the gloves because it was really really hot. She served it in the dining room with all the trimmings like sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and gravy. Mom was upset that I didn't eat the turkey or the other stuff. Even though I don't like turkey or cranberry sauce or any of those other foods, at least I liked the mashed potatoes. We had a good dinner and I was getting full. That night, I was listening to some music on Rhapsody and I kept on saying when I saw Dad playing Christmas music "It's not Christmas, It's not Christmas". After we listened to the music on Rhapsody, Dad let me have some time to play music and I pretended to be a DJ. I even got to see one of my favorite movies which was Bee Movie with Barry Benson and Vanessa the Florist. When it was time for bed I told Mom that I had a good Thanksgiving meal. I went to bed and dreamed about a turkey. The End.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Do you know why I like March 8th better than my real birthday? There are many reasons why I changed my birthday. That is because I will be the oldest in my grade if my birthday is in December. I like March 8 better because it is in the correct year and not in the wrong month. Sometimes if my mother talks about it I start to feel upset and miserable. My new birthday is now in March 8 of 1999. I think I like this birthday much better. Another reason why is because my birthday is a lot different than anyone else. It is also because I will get a lot of presents for Christmas. In my mind I think my real birthday is not fair to me because I am the only one. I like my fake birthday much better than my real birthday. If only I wasn't born in 1998 I would be a lucky boy but I think I'm not. My parents tell me that I am a lucky boy. I think I like March 8 better than my real birthday.

I remember once in Friendly's it was my birthday and I got upset about my birthday. I told mom that it is not my birthday. Another thing I remember about it was that we went to Friendly's but not to celebrate my real birthday. Now every March 8 I go to Friendly's to celebrate my fake birthday. On my 10th fake birthday I thought it was the worst birthday but I wanted it to be the best birthday ever. So on March 8, 2010 I will have the really best fake birthday ever. If I have the best birthday ever on my fake one I will be very happy and write about it on my blog.

I like my fake birthday a lot better than my real one because it's not on the wrong month or the wrong year. That is why I like my fake birthday a lot more than my real one. The End.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I started going to school at North Side School and I was there only for Kindergarten. After that I went to Summit Lane Elementary School from Grade 1 to Grade 4. Then I moved to the school I am in right now which is Jonas E. Salk Middle School. I hope I stay in that school until I finish middle school. Now I wake up at 6:30 in the morning and I am very tired so sometimes I sleep on the bus. In Elementary School I woke up at 7:50 AM and the bus came at about 8:30 AM for school. At least that was much better. My Middle School bus comes at around 7:00 AM. Before I am on the bus I get dressed, eat breakfast and put on my backpack to get ready for school.

I like going to school there but the worst thing about it is waking up too early. I try to do my best on Math, Language Arts, Spelling, Science and Social Studies. I try to be on my best behavior and focus in school but on some days Mrs. Eber yells at me but I still am trying my best at that time. I hope I got a 100 on my score of my New York State Social Studies Test. I go to Family and Consumers every day of school at around 8:25 in the morning. What I do in that class is find out things I can or can't do. I also find out what I want to be when I grow up. At 5th period I go to Lunch and eat my peanut butter and crackers sandwich that Mom packs me. Sometimes I get lunch money and buy a bagel with butter. At 7th period I go to either Gym or Music. In Gym I walk around the track to get my exercise. Before Gym is over I go on the scooters and catch the hula-hoop. In Music class I play the xylophone and hit the bars to make a song for practice. At 8th period I go to Art class and paint a picture. I go to Art class every school day. Sometimes I go to Speech at 9th period, which is the last period of the day before I go home from school. In Speech we learn about certain holidays and new words of the day. I pack up before the bell rings for the bus. I get ready to go home and I say goodbye to my teachers and say "see you tomorrow" or on Friday we say "see you on Monday".

I think school is good for me. I know it helps me learn but sometimes the Math has too much problems and I think I can't finish them. I like school but the only problem about school is that I have to wake up in the middle of 6 in the morning. I like my teacher because she is nice and doesn't yell at me. I like school because I learn new things and I play with friends. I think school is a lot of fun. The End.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I remember back in the years of 2003 to 2005 I liked to sing and make up songs. I remember I used to make up some songs and sing them to my Mom and Dad. I remember that my parents told me that they played lullabies to help me fall asleep. One time in 2002 I was singing on a cassette and I knew how to sing some ABBA songs and Mom was happy about that. My favorite songs from ABBA were The Dancing Queen, Mamma Mia and Money Money Money. I made up a part of the ABBA song, Mamma Mia. In the song I was singing my address because I knew it. How would I know that when I was about 3? When I turned 4 I started to sing more often and I sang new songs that I made up and they were called Bump The Car, Yoohoo, The Saturn ABC Song, The Car Door Song and The Telephone Song. When I was 5 years old I thought when I wanted to grow up I wanted to be a singer but that changed by 2007. I discovered albums and on my notebook I wrote lists of them and I put the time of the song and the album. I also put some stickers on the pages and did pictures of the album on the next page. In 2005 I still made songs but this time I liked listening to music on the radio and I also loved listening to The Music Channel where they played a list of songs called the Top 20. By 2006 I discovered Rhapsody where I could put the songs I like in a list, add it to the library and rate it to see how much I like it. The last song I made up was Unit 1 and Unit 2 (tune from Old McDonald Had A Farm). I made it up at my Camp which is Camp Kehilla. I like to listen to music on Rhapsody too. I started to get the idea of adding and rating songs and putting them in the list of your favorite songs. As I got older I started to say that I don't sing as much as I used to because I thought singing was less cool. Right now I notice how important it is to sing. I will know that now I am more interested in listing TV shows and movies like I also liked maps and roads. That is how I started to sing less often. The End.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Last Friday, I got home from school and I was feeling happy that it was the weekend. I ran straight to my room where I was so happy and then I felt like I wanted to goof off and have fun. Later, Grandma told me that Daniella was not here because her big brother was sick. That night, Dad told me that we were going to New Jersey tomorrow so my parents cud have their party.

The next day I woke up feeling happy and I got ready for the trip, said goodbye to the house and took my fake brother SpongeBob with me. We left at like 12:20 PM. It took us long to pack because Dad said bad words and made me cry and I thought I wanted a new family. Mom calmed me down and stopped my crying. I was crying because Dad was saying bad words and was really loud. When we got in the car I thought I loved Mom a little more than Dad because I thought he was a little mean with his foul language. We left the house and took the shortest route to New Jersey where the hotel was. We stopped to get something to eat along the way because I was getting hungry. We got to the hotel in time and we took off our coats and put them in the closet. After that, I was hiding in the closet because I thought that was funny. My parents left the room at about 6:00 PM so they cud go to their party and they asked me to be good with Grandma Bee and I promised my best promise. While they were gone I took a bath because I thought it would be fun to take a bath. I had a good bath and got clean. I was in the tub for about 30-45 minutes because I couldn't stop swimming in the water. When I got out I wanted to play a game with Grandma and we played Hide and Seek, Charades, Jokes, Knock-Knock Jokes, Find the Card and a throwing game with the card. When we were done we watched some TV and we watched Horton Hears A Who and SpongeBob SquarePants. We had a fun day at the hotel on Saturday. We went to bed and dreamed about being a fish. Later that night at about 1:50 AM, my parents woke me up and I looked at the clock to see what time it was. It was very late so I went back to sleep and continued my dream.

On Sunday, we missed Breakfast because I overslept. We checked the hotel if it was still Breakfast time. We missed it and I started to get upset. So I was thinking of a way to get something to eat for Breakfast and then I got an idea. I thought that Friendly's still served Breakfast by this time and we were on our way. While we were at the restaurant I had a pancake with M&M's in it. I thought it was very good. I finished my food and had a good Breakfast. I thought that I should get it with my family more often. We left the hotel and we got a souvenir to remember the hotel. Before we left, I wrote down the memories of what we did in the hotel and we went on our way. When we left, I felt sad because I was going to miss that hotel. Before we went home we got stuck in New York City with all the traffic and we weren't able to go to the LIE as a shortcut. So we took a better way home and we had a good time at the hotel. When we got home I had to study for the New York State Test that I would take tomorrow and I concentrated on the study test. I went to sleep in my room and said goodnight to Mom and Dad and dreamed about living in a hotel. It was a really good time at the hotel. The End.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Do you notice that there is the name Matty in my first blog post called Introduction? That is because I like Matty better than Matthew because I think Matty sounds shorter and better. It is like my Grandma doesn't want to be called Teresa and she likes to be called Terry. Another reason why is because I have a great great grandfather named Matthew Iannielli. My grandfather Pop (which I call Popcorn) was surprised that I was named Matty because he realized that there is a Matthew in the family which was his grandfather. Those are some reasons why I don't like to be called Matthew. I have a very long name. It is called Matty Edward Donald Gonzales Iannielli IV. I have my great uncle Donald Iannielli so I wanted to have Matty Donald Iannielli in my name. That is how I wanted to be named Edward Iannielli IV or Matty Iannielli.

Once when I was about 4 years old and we lived in 47 Raspberry Lane in Levittown, New York, I wanted to be nicknamed Shake It Up Iannielli because I thought that would be a really silly name. Do you know where I got it from? I got it from a song sang by The Cars and the song was named Shake It Up. When grandma was riding on an MTA Bus, someone asked if my Grandma had a grandson named Shake It Up and Grandma Bee was very surprised because she didn't recognize the guy. And then the guy introduced his name and he said that they were visiting in Raspberry Lane with his friend Eugene. So Grandma said "Yes, I do".

I also remember when I had an imaginary friend named Frank Russet like the kind of potato. I believed in him from 2004 to 2006 because I thought it was time to move on. I also remember when I liked to be called Matthew. I didn't mind and I felt happy with it. When I realized that my mother used to tease me and say "Achoo Macho". When I remembered that I wanted to be called Matty. I remember at Helping Hands the teachers I met were nice but then I said my name is M. One time when I was in 4th grade I changed my name to Matty. That is how I changed my name to Matty instead of Matthew.

I think I like this name more often. If I talk to a friend I will tell them that my name is Matty. I think these things sound a lot better. I think it is important to have these names. The End.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

When I was a little boy I used to like compliments. I remember some compliments that I used to like without saying I wanted to be like everyone else and I didn't worry if I was the only one to get a compliment. Now it seems that I don't like it as much as I used to like them because I want to be like everybody else now. So now I think it feels much better being like others because I like to help other people and make them happy. That is why I don't like compliments that much anymore. I also know that one summer day the girl across the street said "hi" to me and I felt shy. I know I should say "hello" back to her but I was a little afraid. Those are all facts about when I used to like compliments and what I like now.

I remember some other times that somebody complimented me. One day in 2003 our neighbors J.E. (Josie) and Mark, which I call him Marker, complimented me and said that I am a smart boy. And then I said "thank you" back to them. Another thing I remember about 2003 was that my dad thought I was a smart boy and I used to like when he said those things. On Halloween of 2003 I was a bumblebee costume. And in the pizza place, all the girls thought I was a cute little bumblebee. And I was thrilled with that. One other time in like 2006, someone thought I was a good drawer and painter and I said "thank you" and they were happy. In like 2007, someone gave me a big compliment and everybody else got a little one and I was happy but I asked the teacher to give me a little compliment just like the other kids did. Then that was how I started to like compliments less often.

It seems when we grow things change and become different like how I used to like compliments and how I started to like them less often. I think it is still OK that I don't like compliments a lot. But since I am getting older maybe I'll like compliments more often again just like I did before. It feels that my parents are trying to help me and say things that I want them to say. I think these things are nice and I will try my best in school too. That is the story of when I liked compliments and how I started to like them less often. The End.

Monday, November 9, 2009

When I was younger I had seizures and autism. Dad tells me that it's okay. Right now I don't have those kind of problems anymore. I remember some kinds of times when I had seizures and something like epilepsy. Dad told me that it was a cause of aspergers. I remember some times when I had to be rushed to the hospital like the times I had the bloody nose at the mall and the time I took the cough medicine up to 3/4 dozes. I also remember the time when I was on a school field trip in October 2005 ans I had a seizure and my dad picked me up. I also remember the times when I went to the Schneider Children's Hospital for some appointments. The other time I remember I had a seizure was when I fell asleep unconscious in the box and grandma saw me and called the neighbor. Those times seem scary when these events happen. Now I don't have to worry about those times now because I am better again.

The times when I had seizures started when I fell asleep inside the box. It was scary for grandma because she saw me unconscious in the box with blue lips and purple nails without breathing. Grandma was very scared. So she called JE (Josie) and told her on the telephone what happened to me. She was scared too so she decided to call my Aunt Cathy. My aunt was a professional nurse that knew about seizures and autism. She rushed over to the house and dad saw me. Grandma saw me and then she shook me so I could breathe and then I threw up and I could breathe again. Dad told Cathy that maybe I had to be taken to the hospital. But then Cathy knew what to do so she said to my dad that we don't have to. And then she put me on the couch to rest and I slept again for about 6 hours and they didn't wake me up because they thought I was tired and I needed some rest so I could get better. Then the next day I felt better again and I was cured all thanks to Aunt Cathy and Grandma. Grandma always says a prayer after that. That is the story of the time when I fell asleep into the box unconscious.

Another time I remember was when I had the bloody nose at the Sunrise Mall in like early 2004. That was a scary thing too. I remember we went shopping to buy new clothes for school. A few minutes later I was running around the mall and then I got a bump on my nose and it started to bleed. My parents were really scared that mom was screaming and crying for help. The shirt I was wearing was all covered in blood and the floor too. The janitor mopped up the floor and cleaned it. So someone called the emergency and the ambulance came and took me to the hospital and my parents hoped I would be OK. We went to the Brunswick Hospital in Amityville which closed down sometime in 2006. They helped me and stopped our crying. The nurses there were very nice to us and my nose got better. I got bored in there after waiting for about 2 hours and dad said it was time to go home and we said goodbye to the nurses. We went home and my parents told me to be careful next time and not run around. Then we went to bed and dreamed about happy times. The next day I felt better again and we all had a good time. That is the story about the time I had a bloody nose at the mall.

The other times I remember were when I took the cough medicine up to 3/4 doses and I felt dizzy. That was in the Summer of 2004. My parents took me to the Schneider Children's Hospital and they checked to see if I was feeling OK. They said I was sick from taking the medicine overdose. I felt better and I went home drawing in my notebook. I also remember the time when I had a seizure on a field trip in Long Beach on October 2005. I was having another seizure and dad took me to the hospital and they made me feel better. It was scary too.

There are other times that are scary in your life that might cause problems. At least I feel better now and I haven't had a seizure in a long time. This makes me happy and think of those times. I feel like I'm better again. That is the story of my seizure times when I had autism and the time I got a bloody nose at the mall. I will never forget those times. The End.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

We remember lots of memories in life that happened a long time ago. Dad told me about his father because he meant a lot to my Dad. Dad told me about what happened to his father and things they used to do together. It all started with dad at work on a terrible day. Dad was at the office and said he always lent his car to my Dad. While Dad was driving home from work he saw me saying "you're home early today". A little bit later his brother came over to tell us about what happened to Pop. He told me to go into grandma's room because it would be too mature for me. So they talked and my Dad asked is his father OK. They said something terrible happened to his father. He asked what happened? I don't want to tell you what happened though. I came back in and I heard that Dad was crying and I was wondering why. Then Dad told my mom and she was crying too. I still was curious. I asked mom why she was crying. She said because something horrible happened to Pop. I was feeling sorry for them and I started to cry too. That was because I felt sad for Pop. About a few days later Dad asked me if I wanted to come to say goodbye to Pop and I told him I was too scared to go because of what happened to him.

About a month later we went to the Holy Road Cemetery to visit Pop and say hello. I asked Dad what section we had to go to when we saw Pop and he said to look for section 30. I got curious about all the sections in the cemetery and I asked Dad how many sections there were in there. He thought there were about 50 sections in there. I made a Google search for that cemetery and it said there were only 34 sections in there. Now the last time I went there I was crying because I didn't want to go because I thought there were monsters and ghosts in there. I was acting like a little boy again. One day I was crying because I felt sad for my father's parents. I felt like a baby again and I was playing dead. My parents knew I was awake. That is the story of what happened to Pop.

My mom, grandmother, and I remember a lot of things about Lolo Beto (my 2nd grandfather). We remember when he first visited here to see us in the United States. He said hello and my grandmother said he is shy, he can speak some of English, and sometimes can't hear us. I remember he tickled me just like my grandma does. Sometimes I played with him and I tickled him. Sometimes he rested on some days when he was tired. On other days he would like to read a book about the World War II and the book about the Verrazano Bridge that Pop worked on. I know that the person who wrote it was Gay Talese. Sometimes we talked together and I asked him about what he did in his home place. He loves reading so he reads books very often. One day I taught him about the microwave and he set it to about 80 minutes and I stopped the microwave and cleared it and then I told him not to do that because that could cause a fire. One night we said goodbye to him, gave him some money for him, wished him good luck, and told him we would never forget him. We dropped him off at the JFK Airport and said goodbye for the last time. I felt like I was going to cry because I would miss him. We all went home sadly and thought about him. And that is the story about the memories we had with Lolo. Those sure were good times. Right now we still miss him and we will never forget him. I will always remember him and love him forever and ever and for the rest of my life.

Right now these memories take me back in time to like 2007, 2008, or early 2009. These things mean a lot to me and they make me happy and make me wonder why these events happened. I will always remember those times and will always love them.

We will never forget you Pop! We love you forever and ever!We will never forget you too Lolo because we love you and always will!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Sometimes when I'm in the Broadway Mall and I'm inside the play area if a little boy or girl is crying because they either got hurt or still want to play I go up to them and say to them and their parents "don't cry there, everything will be all right". Sometimes the parents are thrilled or maybe dad tells me not to do that. If I say that to others sometimes it stops them from crying. I do it because I have a good heart, I want to help them, and I don't like to see them cry. When I was about 8 years old I decided that I wanted to be a superhero when I grow up and help others. When I decided that I wanted to be a superhero, I thought I would save someone who needs help or an old lady having trouble crossing the street. I would also say I would save the dead people and make them free. I would even help little kids when they are crying. Another thing I said was my new name would be Super Matty. My pledge speech would be "no need to fear, Super Matty is here". I thought it would be a good idea if I made a TV show like that.

My dad tells me that if I really want to help people when I get older the first one I have to help is myself. I was born with a condition called epilepsy and also I have bin diagnosed as autistic. I really don't understand what this is all about, but my parents have me on the medical care and I take medication. The first seizure I ever had was at our old residence house at 47 Raspberry Lane. I don't remember it ever happened. But grandma came into the room where I was playing with my toys. She found me unconscious slumped over in a box near the bed and she was so panicked. She ran over to the neighbor to get help and called my dad on the phone. Dad had called his sister who is a nurse after speaking with grandma and asked if she could go over to the house to see me and she came over and saw my condition. She knew right away that I had a Grand Mal seizure and she said that mom and dad should take me to the hospital if it ever happens again.

My dad told me before on his blog page that he had a story about when I was on a school field trip in Long Beach. Soon I had another Grand Mal seizure and dad came over from work in the city right away. Mom came also and I had to be taken to the hospital. They told me that I was having another Grand Mal seizure and I got sick.

I think it is a good idea to help someone if they need my help. I sometimes say that I want to help others and not let them cry. I think it is very important to help others because if I do I will become a good boy. It is good to help others and work together. I think the most important thing is to help others. The End.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I had a fun time going trick-or-treating on Halloween. I woke up feeling happy for Halloween. When mom came in the room I told her Happy Halloween! She said "Don't eat too much candy". I was so happy and I came running into the living room and I saw the candy and I wanted one so badly. I had one and couldn't wait to go trick-or-treating. I was waiting for almost an hour but nobody came. I was so upset that I took my costume off. I went upstairs to my room and was so mad. I went into mom's room and I did a research of cars in mom's lap top. Dad told me to come downstairs and he told me that someone was wondering where my costume was and where my costume was. Dad told me that someone was crying because they loved my costume a lot. When some kids came to the house I was happy and I asked for a piece of paper and a pencil so I could count how many kids came to the house. I started counting and I saw them. I made a list of them and I gave them candy. Some of the kids were too shy and I had to get out of the house and give them the candy and they would say "thank you". Sometimes I ate the candy because I wanted some of it. Soon mom had to go to work and we said goodbye to her and she left for work and we kept counting.

A little bit later we went trick-or-treating and we needed someone to help give out the treats and count how many kids came while we were gone. It was Grandma Bee. So we went out to go trick-or-treating and we said goodbye to Grandma Bee and told her to remember how many kids came by. We went to a lot of houses and after a while it got dark and my trick-or-treating basket was getting full. Dad told me we should go home after the house we were at. We went home and we asked Grandma how many kids came and she said there was 11 kids while we were gone. We added it up and the full total of kids was 51. Then I told dad that there were 51 kids and we had a good time going trick-or-treating on Halloween this year. I had a lot of fun on Halloween and I had a little more candy but not a lot. Soon it became late so we had to go to bed. I watched a little bit of TV before I went to bed. I said goodnight to dad and I told him to have a Happy Halloween! Dad was happy. It was the best Halloween ever! The End.

About Me

I have always been devoted to my family, always took pride in my work
and approached all my assignments with eagerness, dedication and
enthusiasm. I was always professional, responsible, loyal and very
dedicated in all my pursuits including college and committed in handling
and managing the financial needs that come with home ownership. I am
now unable to work as I have struggled with depression and my gender
identity since early childhood and had a recent breakdown and a painful
realization of needing to transition . It is sad and unfortunate that
people who suffer depression are looked upon as weak and considered to
have a strike against them and are usually not even considered in the
recruiting process. It amazes me how our society makes us feel less of a
person if we exhibit any form of medical condition from the norm such
as depression, transgender or other form of disability.

I feel I
need to step up despite my illness and inability to work and develop a
plan that will help us through this difficult period in our lives. It is
of extreme importance that I take on the role of supporting my son's
mental and emotional well being and act as his advocate and be the
"glue" that keeps our family together. I just feel pain in my heart as
our son struggles in so many ways. I feel selfish & burdened with
guilt for being true to myself when my son's life is falling apart. I
love my son so much and need to reinforce that we are with him and will
do all we possibly can to help guide him and find the proper placement
he deserves. We owe him as his parents to see that all his needs are
addressed with a sense of urgency his future depends on the action and
decisions taken now. We must realize that our lives are slipping by and
we have no control over it.

I just feel that I have endured
sadness & so much internal pain with my personal struggle with
gender dysphoria, losing my mom at 49 through depression, my dad
tragically to suicide who was a big part of my son's world and just
suffering from lifelong depression and trying to please everyone. I
finally found some peace when I came out at 51 knowing the struggle I
lived through since age 4 and becoming Emily as I felt I was destined
for my own personal health and emotional fulfillment.

I am very
concerned for my son who shows no coping skills or street smarts and
lacks discipline, focus and most likely will need to be cared for unless
some miracle inspires him to do something in life as he truly has great
potential but does not know how to channel his energies or find a sense
of importance about something meaningful that will help him grow and
mature. It seems he has struggled with autism since he was diagnosed at 3
and sadly aside from growing and maturing as typical kids his age he
shows no promise of that currently as his behaviors have always been a
problem. Our main concern now is that he is a teenager now and is
expected to act appropriately and with a maturity level consistent with
his age. Since his emotional behaviors are more reflective of a 7 year
old it becomes more difficult for us and time seems to be ticking away
as our son desperately wants his independence but has no skills to
survive and needs to just realize the importance of school and that we
are here for him for our lifetime.

I just know based on his
actions and distortion of reality that he also is burdened with mental
illness as well as a seizure disorder. I just wish I had the support and
the answers to help our son but realistically I realize I have a
limited life span and am in the process of experiencing many of my own
changes in becoming a woman.

Sometimes I just question why life
has to be so complicated and always feel that no one is really enjoying
life as they work themselves to the grave. I was very dedicated to my
job and my family. I went to college. I did everything I was supposed to
and in the end I still struggle and my biggest fear is that I will
continue to live with depression which would affect my ability to work,
The sad reality is I really don't want to have to work the rest of my
life just to pay my mortgage and then when I finally make my final
payment I am obligated to a new loan to help finance my son's college if
I am still alive or I'll die having felt the need to work and never
truly enjoy living. As Emily I need to enjoy my life and find the time
and opportunity to experience my life as the new me and not have to
worry as I currently face the reality that we may lose our house with
Citimortgage as we are desperately trying to avoid foreclosure.

I
also am dealing with my son's inability to behave and of late he has
become very violent nearly choking me to death. If it was not for my
wife I would not be able to seek the medical services I need as she
maintains me on her policy and I am very fortunate since I am unable to
work and am dealing with way too much stress and I just need my time and
space to be free and wear pretty clothes and not be tied to work
pressures that resulted in my complete emotional and mental break down.

Now
my only focus outside of addressing my own personal needs is to provide
my full time and effort in my commitment to support, help and advocate
for our son and hopefully it will lead to his future successes in
figuring out his life and I now must take on the challenge alone with a
sense of priority and urgency. For me that is a moral dilemma because I
need to believe Matty will find his sense to live his life and find
something to help him aspire to find his happiness and for me to not
have to worry about whether or not he can. Our son is growing into young
manhood but is not developing timely and we will need to allow him more
time to grow without feeling pressure.

Who wants to live in a
place where you basically have to work until you die to square all your
debts. That would be a painful life and no one would want that fate. I
write now to express myself and tell others that life should not just be
work and sacrifice always. There comes a time when you just need to
take a break and get away from the craziness and since I have no wealth,
writing is where I derive my joy and happiness. It is my lifeline to
the outside an a way to channel my thoughts and concerns in a positive
way.

If I were asked why someone would find solace in writing I
would say that for me it's about self expression and coming to terms
with who I am and turning the corner. Writing is now an extension of my
life, it is my addiction, my need to share and my way of reaching out.
Life is short. We may as well make our mark or statement before it is
too late. Most of all I need to see that our son will be ok before I do
go to rest eternally. .

If I didn't find my need and passion to
write I would have probably been gone by now losing all sense of hope.
My wife is a very quiet and a shy person and finds it hard to open up
but she is caring and a very loving and supportive mother and I am proud
and lucky to share life together with her and Matty. It's not perfect
but we are kind and loving parents even if there is adversity and
personal struggles. No one can ever say they have the perfect life. It
does not exist and never will and one day mankind will suffer as there
is too much stress, violence, war and the wisdom of a 3 year old should
be enough to prove we live in chaos and unless positive change occurs we
will continue to struggle.

I just question what is the point of
all our suffering. I am so grateful to my wife who is a sense of calm
and reason as we struggle together as we promised we would when we took
our vows together on our wedding day. I'm going for treatment at Beth
Israel hospital but I have now come to the painful realization and
understanding of why someone reaches that point of desperation and
decides they can't fight anymore because they have completely lost all
sense of hope and have no one to turn to. Yes, I go to doctors but
realistically the bills will mount and I will just lose all that I
believed in, With all I mentioned I never even made reference to
discrimination but if by some miracle my son improves, I improve and my
wife finally seeks the help she needs and I am able to work again I
would face discrimination and societal views that portray transgender
individuals in a bad light.

As a transwoman I have something to
live for which is my family, my son and my journey to live as a woman
evolving from the shy little 4 year old boy who just wanted to be that
"cute little girl" that gets all excited to wear the dresses she could
only dream of wearing as a boy. The little girl also always wanted to
play with her dolls.

If only life was that simple. I am lucky as I
get my life long wish which is to live and be female and no longer hide
or feel shame. Ed is sweet and Emily will continue to be sweet and
promises to dress nicer than Ed could ever do in public. It's not about
the clothes. It's about the identity and in our society boys wear pants
and girls wear dresses and I love to wear dresses because I am a girl
and am so happy in expressing my self as one.

Hi, my name is
Emily, so nice to meet you. I have a beautiful son named Matty and my
best friend in life, is my wife and her name is Maria. I am a very lucky
girl and guy but mostly girl.

The saddest of ironies is I never
felt better despite my depression and my breakdown because I am finally
free but what is freedom if your son wishes to die as I only know too
well.. That is the saddest thing I could ever imagine so I must find a
way to redirect him and help him rebuild his life and the sad truth, he
is only 14 and takes on the pain of others to his detriment. It just is
not fair. I must find a way to help him like I am being helped. If I was
not getting the help I truly needed I would have lost my will just like
my parents so now that I get a new lease on life I must live it and
make the most of it and advocate for my son.

I just feel I can do
so much in helping my son. I can advocate for autism related causes. I
can advocate for transgender related causes. I have to believe again and
continue to write to help me try to make some sense of this difficult
time in our lives.

I will share two little "mini stories" that
have deep emotional impact. One is in regard to my son and one is in
regard to me growing up as a lonely teenager. I will tell you the very
day my son lost his innocence and I say this with all sincerity. The day
my son lost his innocence was 9/11/01 at the age of nearly 3 years old.
Why you ask? Very simple, His whole view of the world changed that very
day and though my son was not directly affected he has suffered ever
since. He relives this as part of his daily routine being autistic as he
has to reassure himself every day that in his mind and heart it never
happened and if I try to explain the truth he loses his composure and
acts out so in order for me to avoid or try to at least minimize his
outburst on 9/11 I agree with him that it did not happen because he
explains with his innocence and logic that something so horrific as that
simply could not happen and if it did then he hates living because his
feelings of being safe have been violated. That is something we are
still working on and I brought him into the city the other day where
maybe he may come to realize the painful truth as he wishes to visit the
memorial. I guess he is seeking some form of closure in dealing with
the tragedy so he can make his peace. The kids suffer too and we can
never truly measure the psychological impact had but just from our
personal experience with our son it really hurt and scared him.

He is very bright despite his emotional and behavioral issues and all the other family issues we are dealing with.

Now
my little story which is something that brings a tear to my eyes when I
think back to what could have been. I struggled as clearly discussed
with gender issues since early childhood as my son struggles for
different reasons and the only way I could find my way of coping aside
from cross dressing underneath my male attire was to participate in
sports. I played little league baseball and was pretty good as I played
shortstop and second base. Well I was crushed when I missed the final
cut from the tryouts for the high school baseball team which deeply hurt
me because I did not know who I was and I was living a lie and was not
able to be the guy I was supposed to be.

I did excel in school as
math and physics were my favorite classes. However that was not enough
for me so I started thinking of ways I would take my life and I remember
the day as if it just happened yesterday as it was life changing and
reaffirming and changed me in a good way. You see I was suffering from
depression, low self esteem despite my good grades, painful isolation
and total lack of confidence with the girls. I just felt I fit nowhere
and asked what is the point of my very existence when I saw my parents
struggling. I planned to overdose on a mix of aspirin and sleeping
pills. Sorry for the graphic honesty but I feel the point I'm trying to
make has to reflect the facts and I'm not good at sugarcoating things
especially when it can help someone, the truth that is. As I said, I was
planning to take the deep sleep as I knew where my mom kept the
medicines and in those days there were no safety locks or safety caps. I
was 16, desperate and it was one day before the weekend. On Friday
early afternoon in the fall during the early start of the school year
back in 1978 a teacher approached me as i stood in line for my lunch. He
looked at me and in that moment of time his words were forever
engrained in my mind when he looked at me in the eyes and said "I want
you to run for me" as I looked at him in complete surprise and asked him
what he meant. He turned to me and said, "son, I want you to run cross
country for my junior varsity team" and I said ok and I was so happy
that someone believed in me and it was my track and cross country coach,
Alan Berkowsky, a graduate of Cortland College, a math teacher, an
awesome coach and a wonderful man who made such an impact on me and
changed my whole perspective.

He saved my life and he never knew
the impact he made on me. Many years later I was on facebook and friend
requested him and he accepted and then his daughter friend requested me
which I accepted and I was invited to his 75th birthday party along with
other teammates who I had not seen in many years. I had already started
my transition but out of respect for coach I wore a suit and tie for
the occasion and bought him some sports books based on baseball heroes
and cross country and marathon running as I knew he loved sports and
stories that inspire us to do our best.

When I first saw him and
he saw me he pulled me aside and just gave me the biggest hug as I cried
and he gave me a pep talk like old times and I related my story of how
he truly made a difference in my life and in fact helped me when I was
at a very low point and he helped me to believe in myself which is what
movies are based on. It really was a special moment and we are friends
once again and he has been introduced to my son and knows of his
situation and he said to me in his firm voice that still remains that I
can call him anytime and any day.

There are people who truly make a
difference in our lives aside from our parents and family and Coach
Alan Berkowsky is my role model, hero and life saver. I dedicate this
writing to him as he truly made a real difference in my life. Now I need
to find my son a mentor who will help him as I am just his "dad" who
loves him and will do whatever I can to save him but am not able to
break through to him and that is the sad part of autism.