It’s been almost two years since the Internet said goodbye to the Juggalos and their brand of mind-blowingly silly but also totally offensive and hateful when you think about it on-line trolling. It’s never quite as fun when the person you are laughing at figures it out and starts doing it even more. Schadenfreude runs on authenticity! Not to mention the fact that every year everyone laughs at the publicity run-up to the annual Gathering of the Juggalos, and then at the event itself people have bottles crushed into their eyes and human feces rubbed into the wound. LOL? But even if we should, as a general rule, ignore these yucky demons, the release of the annual infomercial advertising the Gathering is a cherished tradition at this point, and tradition is what ties us together AS A FAMILY. This year’s infomercial is 23 minutes long, the longest infomercial for a nightmare weekend in hell ever! And has a zombie Apocalypse theme! And introducing: JAMIE KENNEDY!

There’s something wonderful about them screaming “Don’t be a corporate drone! Think for yourself!” Then immediately following that with “Come to this place! There’s other people who think just like you!”

Danny Brown, Raekwon, GEORGE CLINTON AND PARLIAMENT FUNKADELIC (?!?!), and The Geto Boys? I’m willing to take my chances with the Juggalos for that line up, see all y’all ninjas at Cave in Rock, woop woop!

Until recently, I thought I could live my life free of Juggalos; however, they have been slowly taking over.

I work at a Starbucks, and as I am sure you all know, we offer free Wi-Fi. Lately two Juggalos have been coming in and staying for hours upon hours (like my whole 8 hour shift, and then some) and using our internet. It really peeves me because they NEVER buy anything, but they bring in McDonald’s and other grossness. One day they brought a 2 liter of Faygo (NO LIE!) and bag of Ruffles with onion dip. For some reason, we can’t ask them to leave. Now the pack has grown and there are 4-5 of them there at a time. They just sit their taunting me, and I don’t know how much more I can take.

On top of this, my neighbors to the right are Juggalos, and they are just the fucking worst. They like to use our garbage can instead of theirs to throw away their Burger King bags and cigarette butts. My huz just put a bunch of rotten fruit in their garbage can, so I guess the war is on. Anyway, the ultimate betrayal…We considered ourselves pretty good friends with the neighbors on the left, until one night, I came home and saw the Juggalos walking out of their apartment!

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