I’m on a boat: The Yeah-heah-heah-ha-ha-hah-heaaah! Guy

I’m on JoCoCruiseCrazy 2, and I’m taking an Internet vacation until I get home. So every day while I’m gone, something from my archives will post here automatically, for your entertainment. I had a lot of fun picking these different things out, and I hope you enjoy them again, or for the first time.

Shane, I've decided, has the worst luck in the universe. I watched him lose a buy-in to a donkey who called him all the way down with an underpair, only to catch her one-outer on the river to bust his flopped top two pair. I also saw him lose a buy-in to the guy we're pretty sure was a drug dealer n Shane flopped a set of nines against the his pocket queens, and the villain caught running clubs to make a flush. Aiyah!

When I got home, I wrote to Shane:

The Flush Suckout Guy has this great set of speakers in his van that he can sell you, straight from the factory. I think he has some designer cologne, too, but he may have to run around the corner to pick it up.

Shane wrote back:

That guy writes himself, man.

Indeed, he did. His fingernails were stained black, the same color as his black Los Angeles Dodgers cap. His huge adam's apple pushed out against two or three days worth of stubble. His blue eyes were bloodshot and pinned, and when he walked up to the table, he bounced his head around, pealed a one hundred dollar bill off a thick gangster roll from his pocket, and said, "Yeah-heah-heah-ha-ha-hah-heaaah!" He was one of the worst players I've ever seen, and that wad of bills came out of his pocket for several rebuys while I was there.

While it's very convenient to play online, one of the major benefits of playing live poker is seeing characters like Suckout Guy and One Armed Man. Shane and I also saw a guy in a floor-length oilskin duster who had a Texas Rangers star to accompany the feather on his fedora, as well as a gaggle of outrageously hot girls in too-tight cowboy shirts. (As if there's such a thing!) The guy in the 8 seat at our table said he took the SAT with me at Granada Hills High about sixteen years ago, and at one point stacked up over $500 in front of him by making boat-over-boat.

The game down there is extremely loose, and if you're not careful, you will get killed by some jerk who calls your fifteen dollar pre-flop raise (the blinds are 2 and 3) with a raggedy ace and ends up making two pair on the turn to bust your AK. So I played outrageously tight, raising with Group I and II hands only, and only limping with all other pocket pairs or medium suited connectors if I could get in late with at least two limpers ahead of me. I didn't play many hands, but I got paid off twice with pocket queens and a successful continuation bet with AQ when a king hit the flop. I played for about three hours, and I left $53 to the good after tokes and blinds. Not great, but better than losing, and when is the last time you got to say that you played with a one-armed man?

Thoroughly off-topic: omg HI, it’s Amanda, how have you & T been? Last time I saw you two was at the Crystal Method concert down in Mpls umpteen years ago.
Thoroughly on-topic: card thing ace-high jiggyflop lolwut. o_O

ANNOTATED VERSION
A one-armed Chinese man, a drug dealer wearing a gaudy gold Virgin of Guadelupe pendant on a gaudy gold rope, and Shane Nickerson.
Yeah, it’s just another night in the $100 NL[1] game at Commerce[2].
Shane, I’ve decided, has the worst luck in the universe. I watched him lose a buy-in[3] to a donkey[4] who called him all the way down[5] with an underpair[6], only to catch her one-outer[7] on the river[8] to bust his flopped[9] top two pair. I also saw him lose a buy-in to the guy we’re pretty sure was a drug dealer n Shane flopped a set[10] of nines against the his pocket[11] queens, and the villain caught running[12] clubs to make a flush[13]. Aiyah!
When I got home, I wrote to Shane:The Flush Suckout[14] Guy has this great set of speakers in his van that he can sell you, straight from the factory. I think he has some designer cologne, too, but he may have to run around the corner to pick it up.
Shane wrote back:That guy writes himself, man.
Indeed, he did. His fingernails were stained black, the same color as his black Los Angeles Dodgers cap. His huge adam’s apple pushed out against two or three days worth of stubble. His blue eyes were bloodshot and pinned, and when he walked up to the table, he bounced his head around, pealed a one hundred dollar bill off a thick gangster roll from his pocket, and said, “Yeah-heah-heah-ha-ha-hah-heaaah!” He was one of the worst players I’ve ever seen, and that wad of bills came out of his pocket for several rebuys[15] while I was there.
While it’s very convenient to play online, one of the major benefits of playing live poker is seeing characters like Suckout Guy and One Armed Man. Shane and I also saw a guy in a floor-length oilskin duster who had a Texas Rangers star to accompany the feather on his fedora, as well as a gaggle of outrageously hot girls in too-tight cowboy shirts. (As if there’s such a thing!) The guy in the 8 seat[16] at our table said he took the SAT with me at Granada Hills High about sixteen years ago, and at one point stacked up over $500 in front of him by making boat-over-boat.[17]
The game down there is extremely loose[18], and if you’re not careful, you will get killed by some jerk who calls your fifteen dollar pre-flop raise (the blinds[19] are 2 and 3) with a raggedy ace[20] and ends up making two pair on the turn[21] to bust your AK[22]. So I played outrageously tight[23], raising with Group I and II hands[24] only, and only limping[25] with all other pocket pairs or medium suited connectors[26] if I could get in late with at least two limpers ahead of me. I didn’t play many hands, but I got paid off twice with pocket queens and a successful continuation bet[27] with AQ when a king hit the flop. I played for about three hours, and I left $53 to the good after tokes[28] and blinds. Not great, but better than losing, and when is the last time you got to say that you played with a one-armed man.
[1] “$100 NL” $100 No-Limit: The player pays $100 to enter the game, and may bet the full number of his chips at any time.
[2] “Commerce” The Commerce Casino in Commerce, California.
[3] “buy-in” The amount required to play in a game.
[4] “donkey” A poor or foolish player.
[5] “called him all the way down” To continue to match the leader player, bet for bet.
[6] “underpair” A pair of cards lower than the pair you hold, e.g. a pair of tens vs. a pair of Jacks.
[7] “one-outer” An “out” is a card that helps one player to beat another; a “one-outer” is, therefore, the single card a player needs to win.
[8] “on the river” The “river” card is the last community card to be turned, face up, in a game. (Wil doesn’t say, but I’ll guess he’s playing Texas Hold-Em.)
[9] “flopped” The “flop” is the first set of three community cards to be turned.
[10] “set” A “set” is the same as a three-of-a-kind, i.e. three nines makes a “set” of nines.
[11] “pocket” Pocket cards are the two initial cards dealt to make a player’s hand.
[12] “running” Running cards are cards that are dealt out of the deck in sequence.
[13] “Flush” Any five cards of the same suit, i.e. clubs, spades, etc.
[14] “Suckout” To achieve an “out” against great odds.
[15] “rebuys” To “buy-in” more than once during the course of play.
[16] “8 seat” The eighth position at the table, counting clockwise from the dealer. Hold-Em tables usually seat ten players.
[17] “boat-over-boat” A “boat” — aka a “full boat” — is a full house: One set plus one pair. “Boat-over-boat” would be, e.g. nines full of Jacks over nines full of treys.
[18] “loose” Liberal or even radical style of play, in which players act recklessly.
[19] “blinds” A “blind” is a forced bet, one that automatically ensures there is money in the pot to start the game.
[20] “raggedy ace” An opening hand composed of an Ace and a low card, e.g. A4.
[21] “turn” The “turn” is the next-to-last community card to be turned, just before the river.
[22] “AK” Ace-King, of any suit
[23] “tight” Conservative style of play, in which players wait for opportunities.
[24] “Group I and II hands” The top two tiers of starting poker hands; the ones most likely to yield positive results. E.g. AA, KK, QQ, JJ, AK, etc.
[25] “limping” To “limp” into a hand means to make the minimum possible bet, or to call such a bet.
[26] “suited connectors” Two cards of the same suit and sequentially numerical, e.g. 8♥7♥.
[27] “continuation bet” A strategy that represents strength by betting the same amount or greater in consecutive rounds within a hand.
[28] “tokes” Short for “tokens of appreciation”: tips and/or gratuities.
There. For those of you who don’t speak “pokerese” — a majority apparently

Seeing Paseotimes’ annotated version of your story reminded me of when I saw “Dune” opening night in December of 1984 and all of the moviegoers were given a sheet of standard letter-size glossy paper with terminology from/for the movie on the front and back. My first thought was, “What the hell am I about to see that I need this to help me understand it?”
I read the entire series right after I saw the movie. The casting and sets helped, but the first book told me how silly the end of the movie was.
I still have that sheet of paper in a scrapbook because I have yet to have that happen again in almost 1,000 subsequent trips to theatres hence.

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