Champagne champions

Nigeria, as this paper noted in an editorial last week, is indeed a huge theatre of the absurd. Or, how else do you explain our being the second largest champagne market, globally? Is it not strange that in a country where poverty is the hallmark of millions of faces, we still could find space for champagne to the point that we are number two among nations that consume it?

Of course to get to this position, the country coughs up N41billion to finance the importation of this luxury; thanks to Euromonitor International which made the revelation. According to it, between 2006 and 2011, we achieved a compound annual growth of 22 percent in champagne consumption. Indeed, total champagne consumption reached 752,879 bottles (75cl) in 2011, higher than consumption in Russia and Mexico; therefore, placing Nigeria among the top 20 champagne markets in the world. Meanwhile, our Minister of National Planning, Dr Shamsudeen Usman has just told us that our dream (pipe dream?) of attaining one of the best 20 economies in the world by 2020 is no longer attainable.

According to the Euromonitor International data, in 2010, Nigeria consumed about 593,000 bottles, the highest in Africa. The closest to this figure was South Africa’s 384,000 bottles. Like Nigeria, South Africa is another emerging market for luxury goods.

“Nigerian champagne consum-ption is quite big,” says Charles Armand de Belenet, global marketing and communications director, at Pernod’s GH Mumm and Perrier Jouet Champagne brands, saying “we are building our network here and it is one of the most attractive places for us at the moment.” Mind you, manufacturing ventures are leaving Nigeria in droves; Michelin has gone, Dunlop has left, almost all the textile industries have become history. But champagne producers can find space to build network here?

It is only the European markets that might have been taking by surprise that Nigeria could rank that high in global champagne consumption. As a matter of fact, Nigeria was not on their minds for the period 2011-2016. Countries like France (which tops the list), followed by United Kingdom, Brazil and China as well as the United States and the upbeat Australian market were the ones listed. “However, what did come as a surprise was Nigeria’s second place in these global rankings,” says Spiros Malandrakis, senior alcoholic drinks analyst at Euromonitor International, in a keynote presentation at the 2012 Champagne Assembly held in London.

Obviously, they did not reckon with the proclivity of the Nigerian rich for ostentatious lifestyle; but Nigerians would not have been surprised by the findings because they know their rich like they do the lines on their palms. Rose champagne is sold for N77, 000, while Demi-set brand is N55, 000 per bottle. Krug and Crystal brands fall among the most expensive, with a bottle going for N165, 000 and N275, 000, respectively. But this is chicken change to many Nigerian rich, (never mind that minimum wage is about N18, 000 per month) most with inexplicable sources of the wealth they flaunt.

The good news is that knowing our rich for what they are, the demand for such luxury can only rise; backward never. Whatever negative things our rich do, they try to excel. So, the champagne thing is just a confirmation of this.

But make no mistake about it; it is not only the rich that drink like fish here. As you know, for every drink that the white man brought, we have our local equivalents. So, while our rich go for expensive brands like champagne, the not-so-rich also go for red wines, beer and stout, the same way the (so-called) poor also comfort themselves with ogogoro, burukutu, kanin kanin, our local brews that have been given all manner of names like te nle ana (get disgraced in your in-law’s place), etc. The rich drink champagne to show they are up there; but the poor are probably drinking in order to put their sorrow behind them. In other words, they drink and relax when all else has failed. Of course, as the ‘happiest people on earth’ that we are, we can afford to drink away our sorrows. That is why our breweries keep posting billions in profit annually. This is indication that their products are still selling in spite of the objections by some of our religions, particularly Christianity and Islam which believe it is ‘haram’ (sinful) to take alcoholic drinks.

Indeed, that reminds me of something I almost forgot; it will be interesting to see the champagne consumption pattern across the regions. This is necessary in view of the widespread belief that few people consume alcoholic drinks in the northern part of the country. It will also be interesting to see if the Boko Haram kingpins drink champagne as well or whether, like Western education, champagne is also sinful. I recall that many years ago when I was on national service in Yola, then Gongola State, many big men who came for some of my youth corps female colleagues drank (alcoholic drinks) like fish. But they had a way of disguising what they were drinking because the drinks were poured from kettles similar to the ones they used to pray. The research into this matter must be thorough because I do not want anyone to call dog monkey for me. What I am saying is that I do not want to be told that what the big people in the north drink is non-alcoholic champagne because those who drink champagne do so not just as status symbol but also for the effect of its alcoholic content. What else could have been the attraction in procuring dizziness if not to make one dizzy?

But I am still wondering why the adverts have not started pouring in congratulating our president for this feat that is happening in his time. Could it be that those to place the adverts are waiting for us to clinch the first position? But that is only a matter of time; France will soon lose that position to its rightful owner, Nigeria. Then it’ll be ours for keeps. Nigerian Big Men (and Women) hate being beaten in such contest.

I hope someday, someone would do a survey again (the Late Chief Gani Fawehinmi compiled something like that before his death, but we need an update all the same) on Nigerian leaders’ trips abroad, whether in the quest for foreign investors (in a country where there is no power and security cannot be guaranteed), or for medical tourism or, worse still, for money laundering, I have no doubt again that Nigeria will retain its first position.

On a last note, please join me in dancing to this song by one of our musicians of old:

Ma mu ‘ti laye nbi (2ce)

Bo ya won ki mu lorun,

Ma mu ti laye nbi

Bo ya won ki mu lorun,

Ma muti laye nbi.

Which other song could be more befitting for a country having its eyes on the trophy as the largest consumer of champagne than this which translates: ‘I will drink in this world, whether they don’t drink in heaven, I will drink on planet earth!’ Congrats in advance, Nigeria, champagne champions