Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Nothing Good Can Come From Rob Pattinson

I knew I made a mistake as soon as I placed the magazine down. The cashier took one look at it and her face lit up. I braced myself, knowing what was about to come.

“ROB PATTINSON!” the twenty-something cashier shrieked as she scooped up the magazine. To be honest, I was worried that she was about to make out with it because she brought it close to her face and gave a long sigh. I make the same noise when I see Michael Phelps but when he’s on a magazine cover I don’t feel an urge to bring it inches from my face so I can see his pores.

“Isn’t he ADORABLE?” the cashier practically shouted as she scanned it. As soon as she did she brought it near her face again.

I pulled out my wallet and brought out some bills. “He’s...not my type,” I admitted and tried not to make a face. I seriously wonder if the whole world has gone mad. It seems like there is a Twilight epidemic going on and I’m the only one who hasn’t been claimed by it. Of course I enjoyed the series—I thought it was original—but when I finished, I didn’t cry that I was sorry that I was finished with the books like most people did. I easily moved on and started to read books about humans again.

I used to have people on my side—you know, the types that haven’t been seduced by Twilight--but they’re slowly dropping like flies. They’ll read the series and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that they won’t turn into a Rob Pattinson Crazy—but then there they go, gushing about Rob, gushing about the series and I want to scream, “Noooo! Come BACK!” with my arms outstretched.

My best friend loves Twilight but thankfully she hasn’t gone and put a countdown to New Moon on every one of her web pages. She doesn’t talk my ear off about the books. She isn’t attracted to Rob Pattinson!

Of course it’s fine that people drool over Rob Pattinson. People like who they like. But I don’t need to hear about what he’s doing every second of the day. The cashier obviously was one of those types because she leaned towards me as though she had a deep secret.

“My friend got to see him at Comic-Con,” she whispered, her eyes darting all over the place as though this news were confidential. “She says he looks even better in person.” She looked at me expectantly. I think she was waiting for me to do the famous Girl Squeal that I only reserve for fancy desserts.

“That’s...nice,” I said, wanting to get on my way. She had obviously not heard me when I had mentioned that Rob wasn’t my type. Or maybe those words didn’t compute in her Rob obsessed mind.

“Kristen is a fool for not wanting to be with him,” the cashier said, flipping through my magazine. Um HELLO? Buy your own...

“Maybe Kristen prefers a man who actually washes his hair,” I said dryly. I had heard that Rob doesn’t wash his hair often.

The cashier looked up with a start as though I had insulted her. “That’s not true,” she said firmly. “He washes his hair. That’s not true! ”

Woah. Okay there. She was obviously a Scary Twilighter. There are some Twilighters that I can tolerate because they’re still sane. But people like the cashier? No thanks.

“I have to go now,” I said, reaching for my magazine.

The cashier reluctantly handed it over with my change and receipt.

“You take care of Rob,” she said.

!!!!!!!!!!!

“Well, Rob’ll be going into the trash when I’m done reading him,” I said cheerfully and I swear, you’d have thought that I had just called her Vinegar Tits from her horrified expression.

I headed to McDonalds after that because I had a craving for a Big Mac. When I pulled up to retrieve my order the worker handed me one of those drink carriers with a mini cup filled with those mocha things that they serve. This would be nice if I actually liked mocha.

“Oh, I don’t need the sample,” I said, trying to hand it back.

The worker looked stunned. “But it’s free,” she argued.

“I get that. But I don’t drink coffee,” I explained.

“But it’s free,” she said, blinking rapidly.

I did not want a cold Big Mac so I went, “Never mind,” and set the carrier down in the seat beside me. As I pulled away the little sample drink tipped over and mocha spilled all over the seat of my NEW CAR.

“Stupid MOCHA! This just proves that NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM ROB PATTINSON!” I screeched which made no sense but the magazine was on the floor of the passenger side and Rob’s face looked like he was gloating. That’s what you get for not liking me. Mwahahaha!

When I got home I decided that I had to do something to the magazine to show people that no, I did NOT like Rob so no, I did not want to start a lengthy conversation about him. This magazine is my reading material for the airplane on Saturday so if I came across a Scary Twilighter then I wouldn’t be able to get away. I cannot sit for two hours talking about a guy who can’t act.

So what I did is this:

This will hopefully show all those Twilighters out there not to speak to me about Rob.

I think I may also need to add, Does not LIKE! Does not want to DISCUSS! on the cover for good measure....

54 comments:

Oh, I'm so glad it's not just me! Sometimes I really feel behind the curve. First of all, I had never even heard of Twilight before January. I haven't even read Harry Potter yet, for crying out loud. Second of all, I didn't even know the Twilight guy's name (although I know his face all too well) until you mentioned it. And thirdly, I generally dislike cashiers who spend that much time commenting on anything I'm buying, let alone salivating over it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

While I enjoyed the series, I cannot get behind the RPattz love. Kellan Lutz or Jackson Rathbone on the other hand? Well, there are things I'd like to do to them that would make Jenna Jameson blush. ;) [I'm kidding. Totally kidding.]

Love the addition to the cover. You should totally write "do not want" on the picture.

Well...as someone who has read the series, watched the movie, had a bday party, dressed up for the movie, owns a tshirt, totebag, Team Edward pin, and an Esme bracelet...I have no idea what you mean by obsessed!? LOL!

I, however must agree...Rob Pattinson always looks a little greasy to me. He doesn't make me swoon...I think Jay Leno said it best while interviewing RP on the Tonight Show..."I have a feeling that if you weren't making movies you would be homeless."

Well...as someone who has read the series, watched the movie, had a bday party, dressed up for the movie, owns a tshirt, totebag, Team Edward pin, and an Esme bracelet...I have no idea what you mean by obsessed!? LOL!

I, however must agree...Rob Pattinson always looks a little greasy to me. He doesn't make me swoon...I think Jay Leno said it best while interviewing RP on the Tonight Show..."I have a feeling that if you weren't making movies you would be homeless."

Yeah, I'm not a Twilighter either. Absolutely no interest whatsoever, and I don't really get the diehards (I get being fans, but I'm talking the over-the-top). Nor do I drink coffee. So this might as well have been me writing it, except, you know, it happened to you.

Nope, not a fan here, either. Haven't read the books - the thought of vampires just doesn't appeal to me in the least! Haven't watched the movie and just from the pics on the magazines all over the darn place, I hafta say, I don't find him attractive. There. Said it! lol!

There is a checker at the local Walmart that I have to avoid like the plague when I buy my magazines on Fridays. She reads the covers and then tries to engage me in conversation about what's on them, etc. So annoying!

LOL, this is hysterical! I did read the series, and (gulp), I did like it. And yes, I saw the movie. (sigh) However, I don't get all the hype, either. Maybe it is because I didn't picture Edward to look anything like RP?? Not sure. But I'm with ya!

The whole Twilight thing never interested me. My sister read the book and told me it was great and that I should read it. She sent me the book. I can't even get passed the first few pages, the writing is atrocious!

I have also never read the Harry Potter stuff. I'm not into dungeons, dragons, magical realms, or dark underworld type crap.

Whew, I feel so much better now. Glad to hear that someone else is not a fan.

I watched Twilight to see what all the hype was about, and was totally unimpressed. I don't think Rob Pattinson is cute at all - he's definitely not my type. So don't worry Amber, you're not the only sane one left in this world. ;)

While I am a Twilight fan, it really blows my mind how OBSESSED these people get over the ACTORS who play FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. C'mon, get a life! Its a good story, read it again if you must. But I'm with you, please don't start talking to me about any of their personal lives. Now if you want to talk to me about actual story line of the BOOK I will conversate, other than that, go away.

Oh man, sorry you spilled your mocha all over your new car. That sucks! That was stupid that they didn't just take the drink back. They never put the lids on those things right anyway it seems. I had a friend over yesterday and she started going on and on about Twilight. I gave her this blank look and she said "You've read the books, yeah?" I said "No." She said "Oh my gosh, I HAVE to lend you my series!" I said "No thanks." She looked at me like I was from another planet. I just told her I'm not into reading (which I'm mostly not) and that seemed to work to get her off my back LOL.

Reading through your comments, it appears that there are more of us out there than I thought...

My daughters are gaga over him. Moms and daughters aren't supposed to be gaga over the same guys. That's just - silly. Unless it's Johnny Depp. He has legitimate cross-generational appeal. But this boy with his caved in face? Yeah, no.

I loved the series but hated the movie. It was nothing like the book and the cast was so far from what I had dreamt up it's not even funny. I won't even get started with the cheesy special effects and the horrid acting. I get the teenage obsession, it is a rite of passage, but the adult women going crazy over the movie and Rob, yuck! Why do people always have to take things too far?!

i tried to read the first one, i honestly did. actually i made it through, barely. i went to see the movie, barely made it through that awful thing also. what is sad is i won't get those hours of my life back, i could have been cleaning toilets or laundry, or something worthwhile...oh wellhttp://randommusingsfrommypov.com

LMAO!!! I thought I was the only one who didn't like him or get the craze about him! While I liked the books, I hated the movie (the acting sucked so bad I wanted to turn it off after 5 minutes not to mention the storyline was as far off from the book as it could get) and honestly I just think that RP looks a little freaky.

see, you're not alone! i, too, am not an rpattz fan. too dirty. and, while i DO really like vampire stories (read all of anne rice's), i have not read any of the twilight series, nor have i seen the movie. i'm pretending i'm too cool for it. ps - vinegar tits is awesome!!!!

Oh my, my world is up side down! You broke the pattern somehow!!! I fully expect a new post from you around this time every single day except on the weekends, and there isn't a new one up yet!! J/k. Except that I do look forward to new posts from you. It may be an hour early, actually. I'll check back! :)

OMG...I hav got to say that I rate this as the best post I have ever read on a blog...I sooo totally hate the series and the characters and the actors playing in the movie...I mean rob pattinson is not hot..He's pathetic...He sucks I like zac efron a million times better..esp in the movie it seems as if he's wearing a lot of makeup!!!! Check this out on my blog...I think you'll really like this: Robert Pattinson's most humiliating moment: http://diaryofanallpakistanigirl.blogspot.com/2009/07/robert-pattinsons-most-humiliating.html

OMG...I hav got to say that I rate this as the best post I have ever read on a blog...I sooo totally hate the series and the characters and the actors playing in the movie...I mean rob pattinson is not hot..He's pathetic...He sucks I like zac efron a million times better..esp in the movie it seems as if he's wearing a lot of makeup!!!! Check this out on my blog...I think you'll really like this: Robert Pattinson's most humiliating moment: http://diaryofanallpakistanigirl.blogspot.com/2009/07/robert-pattinsons-most-humiliating.html

Share This

My Book!!

Yes, I wrote a book called The Swimmer's Assistant! Currently it's only available for Kindle users. You can find out more about it here.

Socialize

Feel free to e-mail me! Princess543@yahoo.com
Please don't make fun of the address. I created it when I was in 9th grade and I get attached to things.I was going through my whole "I'm a Princess" stage.I thought it was cute then. Or airingmylaundryblog@gmail.com works if princess stuff offends you!

Sponsors

About Me

A husband in the Air Force. A wife semi-obsessed with bargain shopping. A son with ADHD and Aspergers. A feisty daughter obsessed with Disney princesses. And hi, if you're an agent, I've written a chick lit book. I'd be a fantastic client and would send you chocolates.