Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Exclusive Q&A with Chase Utley

Chase Utley loves We Should Be GMs. True story. That's why he agreed to do an exclusive Q&A with yours truly. Here are some of the highlights from the interview...

Q: Hitting?

A: I've been hitting the links here in Arizona. Doctor says it's part of my "rehab". The ball really flies further in this air. Something about no humidity and hot-as-balls heat. I'm talking like 500 yard drives, and that's with two bum knees. My short game ain't so good, but screw it, putting is for pussies.

Wait, what's that? You meant hitting a baseball. Dude, I'm on the DL, so keep this golf business on the DL. Dammit. Actually can I have that stricken from the record?

Q: Fielding?

A: Yeah, sure, I've been fielding. Fielding offers for my dog collection. Seriously, Jen and I have like 48 or 49 dogs or something ridiculous like that. What can I say, I've got a big heart. That's a few too many though. I can't even remember all their names. People really want to own a dog formerly owned by a celebrity, and we want to find them a good home. Just as long as the home shells out about 10 grand for my dog.

Q: Running?

A: Nope, no running. I used to think I was Superman and could feel no pain and push through anything. But now I know I'm more like R.E.M. Everybody hurts.

Carson, stop, please don't sing. That song chokes me up every time. Ah, shit, here come the water works.

A: I don't know. Never. Ha, just kidding. Sorta. Seriously, I have no idea. I'm kinda digging this setup I have here in Arizona. My physical therapist is boner worthy. We make day trips to Vegas and Mexico. Oh, the resort the Phillies have Jen and me in is amazing. The on-grounds spa has a sand buffering that does wonders for my eczema. But I'm sure I'll heal and be back with the team soon...or not.

Q: Compare to how you felt last year at this point?

A: Last year I felt excited to get back to the team, because they were rolling and I figured I could jump into the mix and get some of the love too. This year, not so much. Have you seen their offense? I mean, really, that's not exactly motivation to come back any sooner.

Q: Your body language indicates you’re feeling pretty good?

A: Of course it does, I was simultaneously massaged by 10 different masseuses this morning at the spa. One for the head, one for each arm, one for each hand, one for each leg, one for each foot, and some small chick that was digging her pointy little feet into my back. I felt so relaxed that I farted like 20 times. Don't worry...scentless.

Q: Can you be productive once you’re back?

A: Bet your sweet bippy! If I come back. Oops, I mean, when I come back I'll be rocketing balls all over the field and taking this offense on my shoulders and win the whole way to the World F--king Series.

Side note, these anti-depressants are good shit man. You want some? My doctor is a huge fan, he'll prescribe medical marijuana if I asked him to.

Wow, this isn't even funny. Chase Utley is gonna come back and the Phillies' whole season is gonna turn around....Then you you guys will look like complete dumbasses. Why don't you stop worrying about other people and focus more on your shitty lives?