The trailing offspring became a trailing spouse - and life keeps changing

Thursday, 3 August 2006

Holidays - at last!

This is a micro-post.

I just want to tell you that I'm leaving on holiday tomorrow, for a fortnight. Don't be surprised by my blogging silence (at the same time, considering my poor output recently, it's not as though it's exactly exceptional).

I have just read all your posts and comments. First of all, a big "Well done" for your courage and determination. Sharing all that you have been through will undoubtedly be a great help for all those who have family/friends inflicted with the same torture.

The practical information on the physical repair are a mine of information which you wouldn't always dare ask a doctor (especially not the too numerous Dr Ice-Cubes). But what has touched me most has been the natural talk about the various feelings you have experienced. Joy, fear, doubts, sometimes crazy behaviour, anger, lack of understanding, cowardice. Your words really make me want to walk alongside you.

I wanted to speak up as much as a mother as a daughter. I have 3 children, soon 4, I have never been circumcised or raped and no nothing of sexual pain other than those of childbirth and episiotomies. That's enough to know that I would never let anyone at all get near the bodies of my little ones with the intention of taking away a part of them. But that's a modern western reaction. My flesh doesn't understand how anyone could hand over their child to a torturer, all the more so when we know the suffering that will result. However I cannot condemn without a trial all these women who have done that and who still do. The weight of tradition and submission is unfortunately so heavy. According to all you have said about your parents, I sincerely think that they didn't want circumcision for you and your sister, but they were overcome by the wishes of the community. During all these years, they must have reassessed their guilt again and again and certainly tried to persuade themselves that it was best for you. It's not easy to share a real intimacy in these circumstances. They called you after your letter, they didn't condemn you or abandon you. For me that's an incontrovertible sign that they care for you and that they themselves suffer too.

I understand your anger as a daughter when faced with the silence of your parents. I experience exactly the same thing though for other reasons. But have they ever been allowed to express their feelings? They weren't brought up like you. Your need to emancipate your life from them is perfectly legitimate, it's what children do. But what is difficult for you isn't any less for them. I will soon be 39 but they consider every step I take as a slap in the face for theirs. And I haven't taken any radical step like you who have taken back your body! You know, when you are a parent, you believe you are doing the best and you can't always understand why it's gone out of control.

Please understand, I don't want to make you feel guilty. You have 1000 reasons to take control of your life, your body as well as your mind. I would just like to be able to have you avoid expecting too much from your parents. Try to forgive them and good luck for the future.