Post navigation

Experience desired but not essential…

The scene: An interview room in a large state company. There is a bored looking interviewer waiting for the candidate.

The candidate enters. He has a shaved head, and is wearing an Ireland football shirt, tattered jeans and scruffy runners. He has tattoos on both arms that nearly hide the needle marks. He farts loudly, sits down and starts to pick his nose. A distinct smell of alcohol and old socks begins to fill the room.

The interviewer sighs, but protocol says he has to complete the interview.

Interviewer: “This interview is for a top position in a prestigious State company that has a considerable influence on the fiscal situation pertaining at the moment. Could you elaborate on your suitability for this position?”

Candidate: “Wha?”

Interviewer: “Why did you apply for the job?”

Candidate: “Me Mate told me to”

The interviewer sighs again.

Interviewer: “What educational qualifications do you have?”

Candidate: “I have me Junior Cert. I done the Group Cert when I was in the Joy but didn’t get that”

Interviewer: “And why were you in Mountjoy Prison?”

Candidate: “I done three years for the joyridin’ and another eight for sellin’ H down Pearse Street Flats. Dey let me out early cause dey were overcrowded. But me Mate might have had sumpthin to do with that too”.

Interviewer: “And what employment experience do you have?”

Candidate: “Employment? Ah jayzus deres no need to work. I have de dole and the micky money from the ten kids, and I send de mot Jacinta out to do de cleaning. It pays for de chips and de Budweiser”.

Interviewer: “And passtimes?”

Candidate: “Ah, I back a few horses and hang around. I have a load af pints with me Mate over in Drumcondra”

Interviewer: “Who is this ‘Mate’ you keep on about?”

Candidate: “Me Mate Bertie. Great fella. Has The Big Job in de government. I loaned him a few quid a while ago, and he said he owed me one. He told me to go for this job”

Interviewer: “Welcome to the board sir. We are currently redecorating your executive suite so there is no need to start immediately. Is 300 grand a year enough or would you like more?”