Friday, November 9, 2012

Church of England Ruled By Grey Alien?

For the world's third largest Christian denomination, Anglicanism, there's a new boss in town, Archbishop Justin Welby.

Justin Welby

After months of gridlock, the secretive group known as the Crown Nominations Commission, have finally settled on a replacement for the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. Bypassing several senior candidates, such as "Ebor" Sentamu, Archbishop of York, the Commission settled on rising star Justin Welby, Bishop of Durham.

An old Etonian and oil executive, Welby felt the call to ordained ministry in the 1980s and was ordained in 1993. He soon shot up through the ranks, becoming Dean of Liverpool in 2007 before surging through the stained glass window to become Bishop of Durham in 2011. It would only take a year before his meteoric rise to power culminated in this month's appointment to Anglicanism's top job.

Overlord

Mainstream Media attributes Welby's uncanny ability for promotion to raw ambition, a gilded background and natural diplomatic talent to "spin fudge." According to the New York Times, the new Archbishop of Canterbury has shown himself capable of being both against gay marriage and also for it, making him uniquely suited to lead the Church of England.

A Grey?

However, Ancient Astronaut theorists are unconvinced, believing that Welby's stellar climb to become the most important Anglican in the world can only be explained by extraterrestrial agency. "We don't have the technology," said one pundit, "to take a clergyperson from Durham to Canterbury in the space of a year. It's impossible! Only advanced alien technology could pull it off."