If you think life is unfair, try walking the red carpet during awards season.

There is no less fair place on this planet than the red carpet, especially for women. And it gets more unfair with each passing year.

Men never worry about fairness on the red carpet. They put on a tux and walk the carpet with gleeful abandon. Nothing is expected of them. They will not be criticized, ridiculed or mocked. In most cases, they won't even be photographed. Nobody's interested in what (or who) they are wearing at awards shows.

Fashion "experts," hired for the night by TV networks and cable programs won't dissect their fashion choices. Entertainment and tabloid magazines will not give them a public dressing down for a fatal fashion flaw. Joan Rivers will not crucify them on her mean-spirited but funny TV show "Fashion Police."

Being a woman in Hollywood is not as much fun as it looks.

If they are lucky enough to be nominated for their work during the previous year, they will have little time to enjoy it. Instead, they will spend weeks agonizing over what to wear. Some men will scoff, saying that women worry too much about such things, but this is not a frivolous undertaking. For an actress, picking the right gown for the walk down the red carpet can be as important a career decision as which role to choose.

We are sympathetic to the plight of beautiful women in Hollywood, so we have compiled a list of tips to help these poor, gorgeous women get through the gauntlet. We are not claiming to be fashion mavens, like the so-called critics who judge women for national media outlets. But we have seen our fair share of red carpets and, as professional observers, we are prepared to offer our expertise.

If you happen to be nominated for an Oscar this year, feel free to peruse this list and use whatever you can to lessen the ordeal. We will not judge you.

1. Don't eat for 48 hours prior to the awards show. We're being generous. Most actresses don't eat for a week before walking the red carpet. You think a stomach virus is a great diet? Try being nominated for an Academy Award. Those gowns are unforgiving, and there is no room for a last-minute snack. It is astounding that no actress has fainted from hunger on the red carpet. But they're professional actors – they pretend that they just ate a meal.

2. Don't bother checking the weather report. It doesn't matter if it's 46 degrees or 146 degrees. Women still dress as if it's a balmy summer evening. While their dates walk the carpet in warm wool tuxedo jackets, women wear gowns with bare shoulders, low-slung backs and thigh-high slits. Shivering is not an option. Actresses are always in the "moment," and that moment is not freezing.

3. Always wear black. You can't go wrong with this classic.

4. Never wear black. How are you going to be noticed if you don't go bold?

5. Dress age-appropriate, particularly if you are 24. If you are older and dress too young, they will knock you. If you are young and dress too old, they will knock you.

6. Show a lot of cleavage. That will guarantee that your photo will appear in People, US, Entertainment Weekly and dozens of other magazines. It will put you at the head of the class the next day on those TV entertainment shows.

7. Don't show a lot of cleavage. If you show too much, you're inviting mockery from all the fashion facists. They will vilify you for trying too hard. They will insinuate that you are less than a lady. On the other hand, they will show your photo repeatedly while they rip you apart. If you believe the show business adage that there is no such thing as bad publicity, then ignore this tip and go for it.

8. Wear your hair up. Wear your hair down. Frankly, you can't win on this one. They will find fault if you wear it up ("She looks like she's going to the prom"), and they will fault you for wearing it down ("Why couldn't she go for a more classic look?").

9. When in doubt, go with Harry Winston. Even when you've picked a great gown, the fashion ghouls will get you on your accessories. In particular, they home in on the jewelry. Many clever actresses have allowed themselves to be walking advertisements for high-end jewelers like Winston. It keeps the wolves at bay to tell media types along the carpet that you are wearing $10 million worth of jewelry. Low-paid fashion reporters are blinded by expensive jewelry.

10. If you are still confused, always ask yourself this question: "What would Björk wear?" And then do the exact opposite.

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