The days move along and although the weather here has turned from clear to cloudy, my own inner “weather” is getting brighter and clearer with each day. I woke up very early this morning from an intense dream sequence, with the following insight and further clarity into the issue of redefining myself after loss.

Just an aside here…I also realized that in addition to the losses mentioned in the previous post, there was another situation of loss over that short 6 month period, one no less cutting and painful than the loss of my Mother or my love. I had traveled back to the States after a 37 year absence, never expecting to find the intense emotional upheaval which was the result of this visit. What I understood during my visit, was that I had lost something over all those years which I had never considered as something that COULD be lost, because I never thought of my life with, or without it. I was content with my family and friends in my new country and never once regretted having left home for a foreign land.

But it seems as if this was a mistake. I realized while there, and am now feeling the effects months later, that when I chose to leave the States, what I lost was my original family!! Dear cousins. Aunts and uncles, who were always an intense part of my life while I lived there, even though I never realized it. And of course rediscovery of a beautiful sibling relationship was no less powerful. This loss is something which can never be recovered, and the deep pain I feel inside at realizing this, is something which I doubt I will ever come to terms with. I spent deeply rewarding and beautiful hours, as well as deeply painful ones, with a few very special people there who know who they are, rediscovering myself, and even discovering for the first times parts of self. And now having reconnected with this “original family” , I find myself feeling the loss of it every single day.

And now back to this morning. My phone is still not working but I am sure this is part of the plan. Instead of talking to people and making plans for visiting, taking trips, etc., in addition to the overcast weather, it is easier for me to move inward and begin working there. I am not completely at peace with this idea right now and have been wondering for the past couple of days what I am afraid of finding there. I have asked in my prayers and meditation over the past couple of days to be able to release any fears I have regarding this process as well as expectations as to how it will move forward. Just allow it to flow. The overcast weather puts a further damper on my spirits but again is an incentive to stay close to home and go inward.

And then the insights of this morning…regarding redefining roles with the death of parents. When our parents are gone, WE become the family “elder”. We have to be careful not to allow this to color the way we picture ourselves.

Let me explain: I do not become suddenly “old” because I become and “elder”. My Indian friend reminded me of this yesterday. I was sitting at her house feeling really down and said “ I feel like an old lady this trip – tired, no energy, etc.” She said that when our parents are alive we can still feel young but when they are gone we begin to “be old”. It was a very clever thing to say and a wake up call for me to really begin thinking about what thoughts I have been having, what I have been saying verbally, without realizing it, and how deeply they have been effecting me on all levels, including physical! Just more food for thought along the way.

I realized that I need to get back in touch with my free spirit, with the child inside me. It is still there, still alive. It did not die along with my Mother! I have a lot of work to do and believe the panchakarma, which I begin on Monday, will help in this process as well.

And then I gratefully began my morning meditation, which revealed further issues…the things I was afraid of discovering…the emotions and feelings which I do not like to believe I am capable of: And what surfaced were feelings of anger, guilt and deep sadness, as well as regret. I called upon Archangel Michael, who is a powerful remover of negativity, to do a cleansing both inside me on all levels, as well as in my aura, to remove all of these negative emotions, wherever they may be blocked, and any others that I may not be aware of, to release them back as energies of love and light and then to fill me with pure white light of love, joy, healing, and contentment and to help me move forward in complete freedom from fear..

I am feeling lighter and less troubled as I sit and write this, and grateful for all the love and blessings I receive each and every day.

This has been an extremely difficult year for me, beginning with my early return from India in January. I felt increasingly burdened, heavy, seemed to have lost my”light” and my “lightness”, and not really understanding why or how to move past it.

It wasn’t until today, a full 11 months after my return home from India that I had my AHA! Moment and figured it out. And like all of these magical moments, it came to me during a powerful prayer and meditation session.

Without realizing it, I have been living through a year filled with great loss, and not only have I not honestly grieved for it, I had not understood that personal loss requires us to redefine ourselves and our purpose, our being, in the new placed, the new reality, we find ourselves in AFTER our loss.

And for me, again without realizing it, I have been through TWO intense losses within the same 6 month period – something which obviously is not simple. Or easy to come to terms with.

Finding myself moving along with “life as usual” after both losses, I imagined I had done just that, while in effect I had simply ignored the need for grieving, burying it in a “safe” place inside and feeling that all was well with me and my world, seeing as how I was coping so well.

Turns out, I was not coping at all, just living in denial, and it was taking its toll on my. I never realized that the enormous heaviness I was feeling, the lack of energy, was due to the fact that I was physically carrying these losses with me, rather than releasing them in healthy ways.

I lost my mother this past year, and was stunned by the impact on me of her loss. Since it is only in the past 10 years that I have any sort of loving relationship with my mother, I honestly did not think I would “miss” her. Turns out, I miss her every day, in many subtle ways. This took me my surprise completely. The fact that I also lost my role as someone’s child, in effect becoming an orphan (as my father had already passed several years ago), I lost another part of “who I am” when I lost my mother.

In addition, I both found (for the first time) and lost, a true love. I will not go into details but will simply say that everything I ever imagined, everything I ever prayed for, manifested, and understood true love to be, was what I found in this short-lived relationship, and loosing it had a much deeper effect on me than I realized until just this morning. And once again, there was no grieving, just moving forward, adding another weight to the heaviness already inside of me.

Since I have arrived in India, just a little over a week ago, these well buried “treasures” have been slowly seeping out of their hiding places , begging to be relasesd, but my still not “getting it”.

When in India, my Mother would always send me a daily e-mail, and I found myself sad, disappointed, even angry, that whenever I checked my mail at the internet café, this was not waiting for me. And all of my well-meaning friends here have been asking about my love, this wonderful man they had heard about, only to be told it is a story I would rather not talk about, and tears, ending the conversations. I was completely taken by surprise at these feelings of grief and grieving that arose in me.

What I realized this morning, the AHA! Which was Divinely and lovingly sent to me, was that this is the purpose of my stay here this time. To process these losses, to release them in a true and proper grieving, to allow myself the luxury of feeling and crying and then moving into my new reality once again, lighter, and full of light.

At the end of the meditation, something else was “returned” to me after a whole year of being absent – my voice! Let me explain – there is a beautiful chant which I began repeating at the end of each meditation about 2 years ago, it is in Hebrew and I learned it from a teacher, Naomi, who taught me the beauties of Hatmara. Loosely translated it means: “I am light, love and joy” and it is sung in a haunting, deeply moving melody. Every morning, while chanting this outloud, in full voice (it is the ONLY thing ever in my life which I could sing on tune), I was filled with enormous amounts of light, love and joy to move with me through each day. I have not been able to chant this since the day my mother passed away!! I tried many times but the voice was not there…I could not sing/chant, these loving words outloud, or even say them silently.

This morning, I found my voice once again, and after a chanting, my eyes releasing great tears of joy throughout, I had a new sense of well-being and “rightness” for the first time in so long

I have now understood that this is a process with more than one step…an ongoing process, which, among other things, requires me to redefine myself in my new reality.

Accept the new reality, release ALL feelings,-including the “not nice” ones which, among others, include anger-and then joyfully move forward.

I sit here now with a new sense of contentment – now ready to begin the work of acceptance and self-definiton with a joyful heart.

I am truly blessed

Jane

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I am a former American, living in Israel for the past 45 years. Mother of 6, grandmother of 16 ,healer, Reiki Master, Israeli folkdance enthusiast, enjoying the wonder, surprise and blessing of every step of the wonderful journey called “Life”.I have been living in India, Rishikesh to be exact, every year for the past 10 years – several months of each year – and it is indeed another part of my amazing journey.