Month: September 2016

So, I will add here the ideas for movies I had (under the Storyboard category). As I probably will never make movies in this life, maybe someone can take this idea and actually transform it into a script and then maybe into a real movie?

These days I have seen some MJ fans talking about a picture that Paris had posted in one of these social medias, and they were claiming that MJ is alive. Well, I had a best friend who loved MJ, was a huge fan of his and I even went to a MJ theme party along with her. At the time he passed away, I have imagined this story – what if it’s all a media circus, it’s all a farse, but he’s actually alive?

Better yet, years before that, I had imagined a movie that would tell the story of a famous pop star, who was considered the king of pop, and he would be a vampire!

This pop star would have already done music video clips about monsters (zombies, werewolves… friends of his, for sure) and old legends, special magical powers, but nobody in the world would have noticed that he was actually a real vampire – since they would think it was all a matter of style and gaining more public, only to have fun using special effects on concerts and such…

His skin would be really white and he would be constantly protecting himself from the sun, he would wear gloves and dark clothes, and prefer the night scene. At some crazy moment, he would drain blood from children who liked him and are so free from preconceived judgement they would sympathize with having a vampire friend that they would offer their blood freely and promise never to tell the truth of this blood bank being constructed while they had fun at a private amusement park owned by him.

Of course he would be rich, I mean, a lifetime of savings. And of course he would have to create this fake childhood for the world to know – although it’s true that he had suffered abuse from his father (centuries ago it was not considered abuse in fact). He would have hired actors to play him as a child, then teenager, and the new century made it possible for him to make excuse for his skin color, as a type of disease. And what a better way to spend some years on Earth as a singer and dancer? Having fun, inspiring kids, getting more money for the rest of eternity, creating things, contributing somehow to the current human society.

But there is a certain point where one has to retire and reclude himself, before it’s too late and people start guessing. I mean, vampires don’t age.

And sure, we could make up a plot that includes other action scenes or whatever, but wouldn’t it be so fun? The character doesn’t need to have his original name, but it would be definitely fun, kind of trash, kind of that Elvira movie… I wanted to see that story coming up. It could be even a series maybe.

Today was my day off. I just had a shower and I wish, oh I wish so much that I would not have this feeling anymore. I wish I could get rid of it, once and for all. The feeling that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. That I want to leave my current job. I wanna quit. And I don’t even know what for.

This morning, a few moments before I was fully awake – do you know? That moment you are still sleeping but not yet awake? – I was thinking of you. I was thinking “I really love you, but how can I possibly be with you? You will never be interested in the likes of a girl like me. It’s just impossible”. To what that voice I’m always talking to (long ago called my agent James) just advised, “well, at least you already know him. You know what you are after, what is your target”.

Yeah, right. And how does this helps? It only makes it more difficult and far from reality. Once, when I was on my teens and then twenties, I knew what I wanted. And now, I think I want to quit my job but I don’t even know what I want to do. Is there anything I still want? I know I should be thankful for I already have a job and I get enough to pay my bills. I want to finish off a debt until July of next year, so I have to hang in there. But I seem to have lost that deep feeling of gratitude and joy, and this job I have was not supposed to be done without joy. Only for money. If it is so, I should go find some other work and maybe that’s why I’ve been toying with the idea of going to Japan again these past weeks. I know how it is to work in a factory, the repetitive job, getting out early and coming back late, a tiring routine. I know my body can only take this type of routine for a certain amount of years. And yet… I’m thinking about it again?

Maybe exactly because of this lack of worries. At my current job there are a number of concerns we have to deal with everyday, and from time to time a different new concern… and we must pay attention to a lot of things, and there is always something that slips by even if we take care. There is also pressure, a certain required behavior and level of faith I guess I still lack, I know I’m not quite there yet. So, comparing, the job in Japan seems just easier. I know, it’s like fleeing to the easy way out, I won’t have to worry so much, I’ll just work everyday, save some money to buy a house for me and have a tranquil retirement. But at this point of my life, really, I don’t feel like I wanna ask much more than that. Is it too bad?

I should challenge myself and have this new pursue in life, which is related to my current job. But somehow it doesn’t move me, I still mourn for my old dreams which were thrown away and now gone. Of course the easy way out will not lead me any closer to you, L, if that was supposed to be any goal… but neither is this other pursue, so what am I to do?

Sometimes I think that I was happier when I still believed. And somehow I understand now these self-help texts that tell us to have a goal in life. Something to keep us going on.