Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new $99 “smart fork” watches what and how fast people eat. Which makes the fork smarter than the person who pays $99 for a utensil.

A new $99 “smart fork” watches what and how fast people eat. Unfortunately, most people eat like they are using a shovel.

A new $99 “smart fork” watches what and how fast people eat. Which gives new meaning to the term forking over your cash.

A new $99 “smart fork” watches what and how fast people eat. Apparently a smart fork is necessary for people too dumb to figure out when to quit eating themselves.

The government is proposing a “minimum sound” for electric and hybrid cars to alert vision impaired people the car is nearby. People will know a car is coming from miles away if they just make it sound like a Ford.

A Republican Congressman is introducing a bill that would ban the government from minting a $1 Trillion coin. Apparently Congress wants to use it to determine whether to raise the debt ceiling by flipping it and calling heads or tails.

A Republican Congressman is introducing a bill that would ban the government from minting a $1 Trillion coin. Imagine how much more we would go into debt if Congress got their hands on a few of those.

A study reveals an increase in a sense of entitlement on U.S. college campuses. Until the students graduate and find they can only get a minimum wage job to pay off their $100,000 tuition debt.

A study reveals an increase in a sense of entitlement on U.S. college campuses. Except the ones who are going to colleges whose football teams don’t qualify for a bowl game.

A study is linking saturated fat with low sperm count. Apparently after getting too fat to be able to get a date, the body just figures “what’s the use?” and shuts it down.

A new weight loss gadget claims to suck food straight out of the stomach. Or as supermodels call that, a finger.

A Texas gym is requiring members to be at least 50 pounds overweight to join. Or as people who are 50 pounds overweight these days are called, “buffed out”.

The 19 year old son of Kentucky Senator Rand Paul was arrested following a flight on alcohol related charges. Apparently he is on the way to following his dad’s footsteps and becoming a member of Congress.

China is promising to end its labor camp system. Apparently anyone they want to force into hard labor with long hours and no pay is just given a job at the closest Nike factory.

Low wages offered in Cambodia are luring manufacturing jobs from China. At this rate, pretty soon workers around the world are going to have to start paying in order to get to work in a factory.

Low wages offered in Cambodia are luring manufacturing jobs from China. How bad is it getting when even our outsourced jobs are being outsourced?

The Royal Family in England is advertising for someone to clean the Queen’s dishes for $22,000 a year. Which means that one job that won’t be going to China is cleaning the Royal China.

Cuba is reportedly cracking down on songs with racy lyrics. It’s going to make for the blandest Salsa outside of Taco Bell.

A Colorado neighborhood is holding a vigil for an elk that was shot to death by police. Which really has the members worried over at the local Moose Lodge.

Stores in Tehran are selling air fresheners in the shape of Ayatollah Khamenei. Apparently they come in different scents: Suicide Bomber Strawberry, Waterboarding Watermelon and New Car Jihad.

Kodak is lending its name to the manufacturer of new digital cameras. Which sounds about as practical as a computer company trying to use the name of Royal Typewriters.

Holiday hiring by retailers was at its highest in the past six years. Mostly for security guards to keep people from shoplifting all their Christmas presents.

Taco Bell gave a high school swimmer a pair of Speedos he requested that had the Taco Bell logo on the backside. Most people’s backsides are advertising enough that they have been eating at Taco Bell.

A study says the U.S. Treasury will run out of money by February 15th. At $16 Trillion in the red, that would be February 15th of 1983.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a football helmet as a gag gift on her return to work. It was the same kind of helmet Bill bought after Hillary found out about Monica Lewinsky.

A report says that health care spending in the U.S. grew at half the pre-recession level. Mostly because people now only have half the money to spend on health care than they did before the recession.

A New Jersey high school basketball player must tan to treat a rare skin disease. In New Jersey, that illness is known as “Snooki Syndome”.

A poll says that few Americans know the risks of obesity. For one thing, apparently it takes away their ability to read.

A poll says that few Americans know the risks of obesity. Which stands to reason since they also don’t know the risks of smoking, drinking or texting while driving.

A study says that fathers’ stress during pregnancy is linked to a risk of behavioral issues with their kids. That’s nothing compared to fathers’ stress after the baby is born when all the doctors’ bills start coming in.

A study says that fathers’ stress during pregnancy is linked to a risk of behavioral issues with their kids. A father’s biggest stress is actually during childbirth when the mother is yelling “You did this to me!”

Coca-Cola is being used as a new treatment for stomach blockages. Apparently doctors got the idea after they noticed they never had a clogged drain after dumping a Coke into the sink.

Coca-Cola is being used as a new treatment for stomach blockages. Not only that, it helps keep stomachs from being clogged when it rots the patients’ teeth and they can’t eat any solid food anymore.

A study says that babies who watch more TV become fussier than other babies. Especially the boy babies who can’t calm down until they have control of the remote.

Blind mice were able to see after being given retinal cell transplants. The best part is they have since been able to avoid having their tails cut off by the farmer’s wife.

Doctors are asking that patients’ exercise minutes be kept on their hospital charts. Of course, if they had been doing any exercise they probably wouldn’t be in the hospital in the first place.

Doctors are asking that patients’ exercise minutes be kept on their hospital charts. For most people that would be the little box marked “0”.

Prince Charles says he wants a better environment for his future grandchildren. What better environment than be paid a fortune to do absolutely nothing but party and travel?

Britney Spears is reportedly looking to do a sitcom. Didn’t she already do one? It was that reality show about her life with Kevin Federline.

A banned 18th Century sex manual is set to be auctioned off in England. Or as they call it in Iraq, “modern romance”.

Scientists say 30 foot long ferocious creatures with razor sharp teeth ruled the oceans that covered Nevada 244 Million years ago. The dinosaurs disappeared when they ran up against a more terrifying beast. The pit boss.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The first round of the NFL playoffs is in the books. Or as the Raiders call the playoffs, vacation time. Just make sure you don’t take any time off from sending the love!