Two weeks ago, we discussed food — specifically, one’s fantasy meal. Now, let’s assume that, after devouring said meal, your defense attorney discovers some DNA evidence that exculpates you of your crimes and the governor calls at the last second to stop your execution. You are subsequently released later that night. The only problem is, after seven years of incarceration, you’ve managed to ruin that kick-ass physique you’ve sculpted in your prison cell with one goddamn meal. So, you need to get your ass to the gym.

But, nobody wants to go to the gym without the proper soundtrack. Back before I dropped my iPod while on a treadmill and made the mistake of quickly bending down to pick it up before turning off the machine and got shot five feet back on my ass and left with a bruised patella and a heap load of humiliation (100 percent true story — I saved face, though. I climbed back on and finished that run, goddamnit, never mind that I couldn’t climb a flight of stairs for a week) I used to put together a gym mix, which I’d change up every other week or so. There’s a complex art to the gym mix — you want to pump yourself up, but you have to backload the fist-pumping songs until the end of the mix, lest you wear yourself out twenty minutes in and are left with Elliot Smith’s “Miss Misery” to bring you home. It’s not a good scene.

But, for the sake of this diversion, let’s assume your mix need only be five songs. What are you gonna put on it to ensure that you make it to the cool-down phase, when the Crash Test Dummies “God Shuffled his Feet,” is the appropriate tune?