A Blog About Solving Common Relationship Dilemmas

Ever wonder how some women manage to be part of a successful marriage? Tree are certain things that they know are important in their marriage. Here are seven habits of successful wives have in common.

Successful wives recognize that, even though she has a female best friend, she makes sure that her husband understands that he and their relationship supersedes that friendship.

Let him know that he is a priority. This does not mean that you abandon your women friends, it simply means that you think about him first.

Successful wives flirt with their husband.

Not only will it make him feel good, I will make you feel better as well.

Successful wives are physically affectionate … using lots of hugs, kisses and touches.

Physical touch is very important in a relationship. Even if you were not reared with a lot of touch, stretch yourself.

Successful wives are genuinely positive. They acknowledge their husband’s efforts. Thank him for things that he does for her and for the family, even if she feel like he is not thanking her enough, successful wives will thank their spouse.

Do your best to refrain from keeping score. Find ways to acknowledge … every day what you like and appreciate about your spouse.

Successful wives find activities that they can do together. They might watch a sports game, attend an athletic event or engage in something that he enjoys.

Women appreciate conversation. Men often most appreciate having a playmate or a partner.

Successful wives are kind to their husbands family.

Even though they may not be your favorite folks, they are his family and important to him. Limit your negative comments or complaints about them and, if you need his support on something, do your best to ask it as a positive request.

Successful wives, rather than complaining, find ways to notice when their partner is making efforts and acknowledges them. When a successful wife does need to bring up a complaint, she finds a way to be soft about it and allow him some time to mull it over before expecting a response.

Are there habits of successful wives that you think should be added to this list? Please share your thoughts.

A successful husband pays attention to what his wife is saying and finds ways to remember what she tells him.

Wives frequently complain that their spouse does not listen to them because they often forget what wives are certain that they told them. Men are not good at multi-tasking so they may really be doing or thinking something else when the conversation occurs.

Guys, when your wife wants to tell you something, pay attention to her. Either stop what you are doing (thinking about) or ask her to talk about it at another and more convenient time.

2. A successful husband talks with his spouse about what is going on in his life each day.

Women genuinely want to learn about what goes on in their spouse’s life each day so that they can feel connected and part of their daily life. John Gottman calls this “part of filling in the Love Map” … knowing your spouse’s life. Talk to your partner. Tell her what happened in your day. It is also important to be curious and attentive when she talks about her day

A successful husband learns how to be part of a conversation that feels or sounds like a disagreement or conflict.

Many people have problems with disagreements. Men often have the toughest time. When faced with a complaint by their partner, they will often freeze up, their heart will start pounding and then comes a fight or a flight. Women are not completely blameless in this pattern; however, men, learn to calm yourself and talk through differences.

A successful husband finds out his spouse’s love language and speaks to her in that way.

We all have different ways of feeling loved. It is natural to think that your partner wants the same ways of being loved that you do; and yet, that is not always the case. Learn what feels loving to her and find ways to show her in her love language.

A successful husband is grateful for the good things about his spouse and find ways to acknowledge them.

Looking at the positives are important for any time in your life. Thinking and talking about what is good brings about good feelings, positive intentions and works much quicker and faster than criticism and complaints.

A successful husband respects their spouse’s intelligence and ability to make decisions. Successful husbands treat their marriage and relationship as a partnership.

Most spouses want to be treated as an equal and respected for their ideas and opinions, even if they are not in line with what you think should be done. Collaborate and coordinate. Honor her dreams.

A successful husband pulls his share of the weight in household and child care tasks. Successful husbands remember that it is their home and these are their children just as much as they belong to their spouse.

So often I hear husband’s talk about how much help that they are around the house. Changing that thinking and talking to working together rather than “helping”. Take ownership with the home and children in all ways. If everyone does their 60%, life will only be easier and no one will keep score.

What would you add to the characteristics of a successful husband? Brag about yourself or your partner and share your experiences.

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As the new year unfolds, consider these habits to use to revive and/or solidify your connection. It is so easy to take each other and your lives for granted, sometimes just holding down your head to get through it. That is never good for a relationship. While you don’t need to spend enormous amounts of energy on the relationship, here are some ideas to make the time that you are together count.

1. Develop rituals to use to come together at the end of the day.
Rituals used regularly connect people with each other. Finding ways to de-stress and de-brief helps fill in love map’s and supports the friendship and can aid in romance.

2. Focus on and acknowledge the positives.
The more that you talk about what you like, the more likely it is that your partner will repeat what is liked. The more you notice and acknowledge what is good about your partner, the more likely it is that you will even …maybe … come to like them even a little better.

3. Have weekly conversations about the state of the relationship.
No relationship is perfect. There are times that you need to talk about problems or complain. Choosing a time to have a “state of the marriage” conversation can be beneficial. A good way to set it up is to first talk about what you like and want more of and then to talk about what complaints or changes you need.

4. Plan weekly dates.
Get away from the every day, mundane activities, children and chores. Be sure to go somewhere different whenever you can. New experiences are good for bonding.

5. Know what is going on in your partner’s life.
Be curious and interested. Ask about their day. Listen to their stories and stresses.

We hear it from our clients and feel it in our own lives. The stress of the current divisiveness and violence in today’s political climate is seeping in to the well-being of many relationships and the health of many others.

Here are 3 things that you can do to help yourself now …

Get involved. Pick an issue that is important and find one way to get involved. Take a stand. Be clear, not attacking or defensive. Rather than feeling victimized by the large picture. Determine one issue, situation or person where you might have an impact and invest in it.

Take a break from the news. Don’t become “uninformed”, just find ways to keep it contained to certain times of your consciousness. Enjoy your family and friends. Get outside. Watch movies or comedies. You and your life are bigger than this situation.

Meditate. Look for peace and calm in your mind and in your heart. Don’t let this affect your health or your relationships.

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It is far from the truth that families really like each other. Not all conversation and relationships are loving, easy and nurturing.

Family stress and differences affect celebrations and make holiday gatherings difficult in many families. In-laws that you may not particularly care for, relatives that you do not see often or know well, and changes in families because of separation, divorce or new partners can lead to unease and difficult times.

Planning ahead can help. “Forewarned is forearmed“, as the old saying goes.

Think ahead about the gatherings and imagine how they may go. Visualize the “best case scenarios” and the “worse case scenarios”. Set realistic expectations for them. Talk, plan and strategize with those you love most about how to help and support each other if things get difficult.

Here are a few other suggestions to consider as you plan for family holiday events.

Are you the host or hostess?

If you are the one who is in charge, you can have some control over the situation. Here are some ideas to make the experience the best that it can be.

1. Brush up on your own communication and conflict resolution skills. Find ways to keep your own cool. Learn some words and phrases to use that might ease tension. You will have to think of ones that fit your specific family situation and might include something like:

“We are all different in our ideas. Let’s not try to convince each other to change his or her thinking on this special day. We only see each other a few times a year. Let’s create good memories and appreciate what we do have in common and like about each other.” Then quickly offer a new idea for the conversation.

2. Take leadership before and during the event and set a positive tone.

3. Plan some kind of an activity or conversation starters.

Gather old family photos and get people to share stories. Keep the conversation light and find ways to reminisce about happy times.

Interview the oldest generation about their childhood memories.

Play a family trivia game.

Be creative as you think up ways to keep the conversation headed in a good direction.

We plan to turn our old videos to dvds for each family and watch a little old time television. We hope that all of the generations will get a smile from some of the clips of our childhood.

4. Enlist a few other trusted relatives as your aides to keep the conversation flowing in a good direction and deflect tension and stress.

5. Remember, when people talk about themselves, they generally feel appreciated and this might help them to be more positive with others. Spend time, or get one of your co-conspirators to spend time, with those relatives who might be more critical or difficult. Help them to feel special by showing interest in what is going on with them and in their life.

Will you attend rather than host events?

Find small messages to say to yourself to remember that you are okay and that winning an argument or “putting someone in their place” is not healthy for you in the long run.

Take leadership in your actions and your responses. Promise yourself that you will not get into arguments or take negative responses personally. (Is it more important to have family harmony or to win an argument?)

If there are relatives that bother or irritate you, find ways to politely avoid them. You don’t have to hang out with people that you do not like and with whom you do not get along.

Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

Limit alcohol … or just don’t drink at all. You want to be able to leave the party with dignity and remember the positive ways that you handled yourself.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

You can create a positive or an acceptable time for yourself. You don’t have to let negativity and family tension overwhelm you. Stay in charge of your thoughts and your “buttons”. You cannot control what others say or do, you can be in charge of how you see, react or respond.

It is far from the truth that families really like each other. Not all conversation and relationships are loving, easy and nurturing.

Family stress and differences affect celebrations and make holiday gatherings difficult in many families. In-laws that you may not particularly care for, relatives that you do not see often or know well, and changes in families because of separation, divorce or new partners can lead to unease and difficult times.

Planning ahead can help. “Forewarned is forearmed“, as the old saying goes.

Think ahead about the gatherings and imagine how they may go. Visualize the “best case scenarios” and the “worse case scenarios”. Set realistic expectations for them. Talk, plan and strategize with those you love most about how to help and support each other if things get difficult.

Here are a few other suggestions to consider as you plan for family holiday events.

Are you the host or hostess?

If you are the one who is in charge, you can have some control over the situation. Here are some ideas to make the experience the best that it can be.

Brush up on your own communication and conflict resolution skills. Find ways to keep your own cool. Learn some words and phrases to use that might ease tension. You will have to think of ones that fit your specific family situation and might include something like:

“We are all different in our ideas. Let’s not try to convince each other to change his or her thinking on this special day. We only see each other a few times a year. Let’s create good memories and appreciate what we do have in common and like about each other.” Then quickly offer a new idea for the conversation.

Take leadership before and during the event and set a positive tone.

Plan some kind of an activity or conversation starters.

Gather old family photos and get people to share stories. Keep the conversation light and find ways to reminisce about happy times.

Interview the oldest generation about their childhood memories.

Play a family trivia game.

Be creative as you think up ways to keep the conversation headed in a good direction.

We plan to turn our old videos to dvds for each family and watch a little old time television. We hope that all of the generations will get a smile from some of the clips of our childhood.

3. Enlist a few other trusted relatives as your aides to keep the conversation flowing in a good direction and deflect tension and stress.

4. Remember, when people talk about themselves, they generally feel appreciated and this might help them to be more positive with others. Spend time, or get one of your co-conspirators to spend time, with those relatives who might be more critical or difficult. Help them to feel special by showing interest in what is going on with them and in their life.Will you attend rather than host events?

Find small messages to say to yourself to remember that you are okay and that winning an argument or “putting someone in their place” is not healthy for you in the long run.

Take leadership in your actions and your responses. Promise yourself that you will not get into arguments or take negative responses personally. (Is it more important to have family harmony or to win an argument?)

If there are relatives that bother or irritate you, find ways to politely avoid them. You don’t have to hang out with people that you do not like and with whom you do not get along.

Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

Limit alcohol … or just don’t drink at all. You want to be able to leave the party with dignity and remember the positive ways that you handled yourself.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

You can create a positive or an acceptable time for yourself. You don’t have to let negativity and family tension overwhelm you. Stay in charge of your thoughts and your “buttons”. You cannot control what others say or do, you can be in charge of how you see, react or respond.

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Love and marriage do not always go together. Sometimes feelings of love seem to evaporate. We frequently hear these words “I love him (her) but I am NOT IN LOVE with him (her). In this article, we want to talk about the reasons why people make this statement and say that they are not in love any more.

Why DO people fall out of love?

It is very distressing to become aware of these feelings, “not in love” and really not know what with what to do to change them.

A lot of people contact our counseling center about love and marriage. They report that they have fallen out of love with their spouse, or believe that their spouse is no longer in love with them.

The words we often hear are “I love him (her) but I am not in love with him (her),” most often with a disbelief that these feelings can change. One of the places to start is to begin to understand a little about how those feelings eroded within the marriage.

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About Us

We are two marriage and family therapists, married to each other and living in Louisville, Kentucky. We provide online as well as in person counseling for personal and relationship problems. Contact us and let us help you with your situation at CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com and Counseling Relationships Online.com.