SURVIVORS!
If you don’t have respect for their strength you can’t be of any help. It’s a privilege that they let you in – there’s no reason they should trust you – none. You can’t know their terror – It’s your worst nightmare come true – a nightmare from which you can never awaken. It’s unrelenting. There has been no safety: no one, no time, no thing – all was tainted. Hope was obliterated – time and time again.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Last night I thought I would try to go to bed early to maybe try to get some sleep...I have no idea why I even continue to try to go down that path as it always ends in disaster. But I tried it again! I went to bed around 11:30 and tried to sleep. I was already in that beginning stage of panic ~ the one where your heart is beating fast and loud and it's difficult to breathe...but I was still determined to sleep.

I woke up in a full-blown anxiety attack; shaking, sweaty and cold, unable to breathe...threw up and then stumbled downstairs for water and ativan - didn't help...so I took a shower...didn't help...so I finally gave up, made some hot tea and watched TV until dawn....

The nightmares were chilling and frightening. In the first one, I was with a friend of mine watching fireworks and suddenly there was this creepy man walking down the street (it looked like we were in a subdivision of houses) and this old woman wearing a dingy housecoat that was nearly worn sheer, turned to us and told us that she thought we left the lights on in our car. The man was still walking toward us and we could see headlights behind this big wooden gate - but we couldn't get back there - it was locked. The woman had disappeared and there was no one else to ask for help - so we just kept pulling at the lock trying to get it open. Through the cracks in the gate, we could see the headlights fading as though the battery was dying in the car. I was trying not to panic - knowing if I did - my friend would panic too. So I just kept telling her, "We'll be okay. I promise - we'll be okay..." She started shaking and was crying, and I just kept repeating, "We will be okay...I promise...we'll be okay...."