JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 29)

February 13

Life doesn’t always go the way you want it. In those moments when things depend on chance and luck, I find myself trying hard to control the fates. I do things with the hope that it would help put the odds in my favour. At moments like those, I become a control freak and I have this intangible weight on my chest and a nervousness that makes me irritable. Sometimes though, you just have to let go. Letting go is usually the hardest. Leaving things to play out as they should is hard. I however believe in not going down without a fight; I need to make sure that I had done whatever it was in my power to do before I fail, so I’d learn my lesson and move on. I’m not afraid of failure, I’m however very scared of regrets. They plague me. Once they come into my thoughts, I stop whatever I’m doing and a brief flashback happens and I feel terrible. I hate those moments. I however have a few regrets currently. And most of them are just stupid stuff. Lol.

I was explaining to a female friend of mine why I was skeptical about having a kid of my own. Kids are a big responsibility and I can be very selfish. She laughed and said she admired how I knew myself.

There’s this almost magical thing that’s supposed to happen when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. Like your heart is suddenly captivated by that little bundle of joy you helped create. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t think my dad felt that when he held any of us in his arms. He wasn’t even with my mum while she was in the hospital (though I think it stems from the fact that my brother hates the sound of women giving birth, and I guess he does too). My worry (chronic worrier here) is that if I’m banking on that magical feeling and it turns out not to be true but one of the many clichés given to us from Hollywood, it would be too late to do anything. I can’t return the baby!

Chai! What am I doing? I’m worrying about whether or not I’ll make a good dad at this my small age. I swear I need help! Lol.

Maybe it’s a good thing though, thinking about stuff like this while my age mates are only bothering about grades and Instagram likes and things that are not actually real life.

My birthday, just recently past, was awesome. Dear Lord… There was no party, not a lot of friends, but one did come over, and because of him, it’s all sooooo…I dunno…symptoms of an extreme crush? Maybe. But could be love… Could be anything… And the fact that it feels like I’m stepping into a new adventure as I start another year makes it all thrilling and scary.

He’s got the softest eyes… And mouth. And I just want to eat things off every inch of his body. I want him to say my name and I want him to make me say his name. Then I want to hold him tight and breathe him in as we talk about nothing and everything, and be mellow in comfortable silences. I want that. But life isn’t a wish-granting factory. Sometimes, you have to work for it. Sometimes, even after you work, you don’t know how it would end. You might get your wish. You could fall flat on your face. But I’m just enjoying the moment as it is.

No, James isn’t about to dive into something that will go out in flames. Not just yet. I’ve learned a lot and I know rushing things like this is a terrible, terrible error. We understand each other for now though, and I know that if we decide to not listen to our heads and things go down in flames, I’ll be happy I got a chance to share a wonderful moment with someone special. God! Why does my heart feel like it’s about to burst? I’m happy and sad at the same time.

Breathe, James. Don’t forget to breathe.

My mum almost spoilt my birthday for me. I decided to spend my birthday in Lagos. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I didn’t want a lot of fuss. I just knew I didn’t want to spend it at home. In fact I was down for spending it alone at a movie and probably buy a book and just bask in the glory of getting a new age. The day before was when I asked my crush if he’d come say hi and he agreed.

My mum asked me how I spent my birthday. I told her I went to the cinema and hung out with a few friends. I knew she was going to start reading meaning into it. So I added a lie that I had a girl with me. I wish I hadn’t. Dunno why I did. Guilty conscience maybe.

She then went on to start telling my cousin how she doesn’t know any of my friends, that I never bring them to the house. Really, mum? Really? You want me to pack people from where I school to be coming to my house, abi? No wahala. During holidays, when they have gone to Jos, Ilorin, Lagos, Abuja to meet their parents, I will ask them to come and visit me.

I’m just tired of her nagging sha. I still love her though, and that’s the most annoying part of it all. Because I can understand what she’s probably seeing, and the fact that I’m part of the reason for her worries is too much.

But she needs to realise – like me – that sometimes you consciously choose to be happy. You need to choose to ignore the bullshit and let things go.

Anywho, I’ve got some piece of good news. I get to do my IT in Lagos. But I won’t be in this city to hoe around. I’m pretty sure that in between the traffic and work, there would be little or no time or even privacy for that. I chose to have the IT here because I simply do not want to be in my school area or my hometown or its provinces during the break. In fact, I’d be down to do it in Abuja or Jos or even Kogi. Just not home.

That’s it for now, folks. Thanks for taking another peek into my awesome life. *cocks shotgun to destroy anyone who says otherwise*

Oh, and fun fact for those Harry Potter fans like me. Did you know Ronald Weasley’s patronus is a breed of dog that likes to chase otters (I forget the name). Anybody able to tell me why this is interesting?

103 Comments

James don’t feel guilty about not loving kids, its a huge responsibility and if it doesn’t feel right don’t do it. I am certain I am not having any kids and don’t want to be a crappy dad.

Pope Francis said earlier last week that not wanting kids is a selfish thing and I disagreed. It is very selfless to decide not to ruin a kid if you think you cannot provide the kind of parenting they deserve. Very many people today are fucked up because they were raised by people who had no business being parents.

Being a responsible parent is a responsibility and being responsible is a choice . Refusing to take up responsibilities could be attributed to a number of factor namely, selfishness,cowardice, low self esteem etc. The holy father was correct

Selfishness, perhaps. But cowardice? Low self esteem? What is parenthood abeg, the 12 tasks of Hercules?
Not everyone must be parents and have to be labelled less than themselves for making such a decision. Jeez.

Malthus. Geometric progression. I guess the fact that the planet is careening towards overpopulation doesn’t matter to the ‘Holy See’. But since Jesus is coming back soon (and has been for over 2 millenia), it doesn’t matter.

What’s selfish and shameful to me is brooding a Icebucket-load of kids then claiming ‘indigent’ for scholarships, or using them to beg on the streets or selling them off to get married when they’re barely into puberty. Why people care so much about the decisions others take in THEIR lives I have no idea. Actually I do….the belief that their belief system is superior to all others

@dennis: u’re still very young; u desires might change in 2020…or they might not. What I’m tryna say is,the way a person feels at a particular point in time,might be d complete opposite of how they feel(abt d same issue) in a few years’ time.I know right now,u’re “sure” u’ll feel the same way even when u’re 58… I’ll ask u again,how u feel about parenthood,in,say 5 years’ time…

Dennis boo, i understand and appreciate your point perfectly, but you must also remember all i’ve been telling you about how harshly this society treats “non – conformists/dissidents/rebels”, i always get so afraid for you when i hear you speak this way cos i can see the frustration and pain thats just up the road … biko, think deeply and spare yourself the horrors …

Having kids is a choice. Its the highest responsibility anyone can have, right after being gay in Nigeria. Here’s how I feel, I wanna have kids, but not anytime soon and I have no idea how that’s gonna happen (since I’m pussyphobic) its prolly gonna be in vitro. And then I don’t wanna stick around and take care of them, its gonna have to be someone else’ duty.. I’ll provide the money of course. Children/wife/marriage in General takes away your individuality. You lose yourself in them and then stay unhappy, just like James said, you can’t escape then. You’ll be trapped. Unable to move forward or backwards. And then the natural thing happens; evolution. You evolve and adapt and suddenly forget how ur life sucks until you see yourself through another’s eye. I see a pattern with married men. They mostly look the same to me. They’re part of a system.. An organized society, a spoke on a wheel, serving no purpose other than to breed the next set of generation.
They work 24/7-7 days a week and it gets lavished by 4 or five other people who has no idea how it happened. He mostly never finds time for himself ( bcos theyve told you when you get married, you’re one–Thats bull crap BTW).
Pope Francis also said that people shouldn’t breed like pigs and should produce what they can take care of. That said, I don’t think its “too selfish” not to want kids. The most selfless thing you could ever do is to save a child the stress of bad parenting by keeping your sperm tucked in, in the first place. Let’s just say that most of the human population received bad parenting and its part of what’s wrong with the world. People actually have kids bcos of their selfishness. They want to correct the mistakes their parents made on them, they want their children to follow that dream they didn’t have the chance to. Its actually a personal agenda to control time and fate itself. So people dont get it twisted.
If you don’t want it, don’t do it. You’re not gonna be killed for it.
After the tongues are done wagging, they’ll die off like frozen leaves in winter and then buried to be seen no more.

I tink sometimes d fear of nt wanting kids comes from d fact or the thinking dt we hv failed d society bcos of our sexuality.
Also we often may not want to b parents to d little angels bcos deep down there’s an inherent feeling of incapability n nt being able to do d job perfectly.we hv this stereotype laid down by our straight parents,d environment and religion dat we dnt jst see how we fit into the role.
Some1 mentioned cowardice. That may nt b far from it.
I tink if we hv an attitude change n a reorientation we jst might brace up 4d wonderful opportunity n responsibility ahead.
#my2kobo

You see, that’s where you’re going off base, Paul. The decision to nit want kids, at least to me, has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. And everything to do with my makeup as an individual. And you speak of sexuality and parenting… You are aware that its not just gay people that want to have no business being parents

I had issue with his blanket supposition that the gay men averse to parenthood are all like so because of their sexualities.
You always chide people to read your comments properly before jumping all over you in response, gad. Perhaps you should try practicing the same

Pinky I knew u’d draw dt line of defence.
To a greater extent,d sum total of ur individuality has a major backing from ur sexuality. It controls ur emotions,desires, outlook to life n to a greater extent d need for “self”
Its dat need for “self” dat repels d tot of anyone even ur offspring encroaching into ur space.
U hv a perfct picture of a life dat revolves around U-1 dat plays by ur rules etc.
So my point u cnt detach d fact dat u lack of intrest in parenting stems from who U realy are.
We all r potentially great parents in d making. We jst shy away from it

Its an individual thing and not tied to sexuality (I for one would probably have kids in the distant future…probably). To my knowledge the vast majority of gay guys also want kids. Some don’t. Just like some hetero guys don’t. My point is don’t make being a parent a life milestone for everyone like menopause or adolescence. Because its not.

Not wanting to have kids has nothing to do with my sexuality. I’m a bit of a misanthrope, people start getting me irritated when they stick around for too long, kids are only good to hang around with for about 15minutes tops.
Being alone is my most prized need.
So get it. Its not about sexuality. Its about me as an individual.

I have this friend of mine who kept rambling about how callous, nonchalant and carefree he is when it comes to kids. His wife gave birth a few months ago, and believe me, this dude that dislikes kids is the one that always want to hold his baby girl 24/7….

I feel we say these things sometimes, because we don’t have the ‘first-hand experience’. We are just making assumptions based on what we think, and feel… But in reality, its a different ball game entirely.

So my dear James and Dennis, u really need to take a chill pill. You may say that u dislike kids(based on what you see or think), or may not make a good dad….. Eventually, you would have yours, and then there would be a high probability that you would be the best dad in the world

Why this assumption that they ‘WILL’ have theirs….like its the default setting to which all Nigerian men must devolve.

I was chatting with a friend (lol forgive me for mentioning this here) abt marriage to ladies and he was all ‘you will marry a lady when u sit down and think about it’. Obviously I hadn’t given it proper thought in my care-free brain. I told him ‘thanks for being in my mind to know what I want’. Like seriously

I do not believe in a ‘creator’ (for the same reasons I don’t believe in dragons and goblins). And I did not question the sanity of Nigerians vis-a-vis marriage choices. Don’t try to prove ur point by insinuating I think heterosexual marriage is deranged. You can do better, Gad

Sometimes it’s difficult to actually understand people,their feelings and thought pattern. I have a teenage son of a neighbor many years ago. A very fine boy loved by all. He visits neighbors almost on daily basis. One thing we discovered about him was his closeness to pregnant women but once any lady puts to bed he regular visits will seize. When I interviewed him he told me he hates newly born babes. That he feels like strangling them.Thats why he keeps away. Weird

Yea. Hallelujah for your friend. I have a friend (buddy, pardon me for sharing this) whose father proves time and time again that he’s unfit to be a father. I hope you realize parenting doesn’t end with the child being a toddler. Its a lifetime responsibility.

Which brings right back to that point about being selfish and a coward someone made earlier.You do realize that just the mere thought of being responsible for another’s life and welfare scare the shit out of some,while some other just couldn’t be bothered.

I love reading James’ journal. It’s always So sweet and whimsical, yet a little bit sad.
My 2 cents: James should stop overthinking too much. You think you’ll be a horrible father? I think not. The mere fact that you even care about that shows you’ll be one of the best dads out there, if you ever have kids that is.
I’ve still not made up my mind about children of my own, but it would be nice to have a mini me running around the place right?
Although, I love babies but once they start walking and talking, they become VERY annoying.

This is a Nigerian thing; forcing choices on people.
Just like Absalom pointed out, having kids is optional and not a must. A child is not a car that you can return or a dress you can return to the store if it doesn’t fit. This is a long term commitment, and if you think you cannot do it, pls stay away. It’s actually selfish to have kids just to seek society’s validation and end up messing them up.

@chestnut 28 is hardly young and I am old enough to make my life choices. So I have them all figured out.

OAN isn’t it ironic that a celibate cleric is judging people for not having kids?

He was not judging anybody,Dennis.He said “married couples” who don’t wanna have kids…
The prime reason for marriage establishment way back then was for procreation purpose,no?.
Let’s have things in their right context here.

I wasn’t talking in Genesis context,Yom.
Our ancestors,before our grandparents and
great-grandparents,couldn’t even tell Adam
from Eve,yet they got married.Primarily to
have kids,keep the lineage going and yes,for
companionship.

Not being obtuse or anything, I still disagree. They got married to fuck. I’ll bet when babies started entering the equation it became a societal demand…if all those ‘hit and run’ testaments r anything to go by. I can’t imagine which came 1st sef. The baby-making ir the marriage

I don’t know how u know my name but its freaking me out that I don’t know u…off KD

Dennis, i urge you to keep an open mind, never say never cos you never know! you’re 28 now, in 5 years time you might experience a major turnaround and change your mind, the only snag is; will you want a wife? … #deepreflection#

Choosing a life of celibacy is by no means irresponsible. Its a sacrifice. An acceptance of the responsibility to serve. Its mischievous to compare someone who accepts a celibate life in order to be responsible,responsive and more focused to the service of humanity to one who runs away from parental responsibilities because of selfish considerations. The former is selfless and the later selfish. The above notwithstanding, if any feels mentally unfit to be a parent there’s no need to go into it.

I think we should all breathe a sigh of relief when self professed mentally ill ppl allude to the fact that they do not want kids and the world has enough chicken legged delusional folks already, so let’s leave it as that.

I love babies, especially cute chubby one’s. Presently there’s a cute cuddly bundle of joy in the compound im at now and he’s one of the few things keeping me sane in this village I’m in.. I think il make a good father and I can’t wait till I have my own kids by means of eh.. artificial insermination Ofcus.

Once again James, your journal lives up to what its known for, rambles of Irrelevance. keep it up.

Chizzie, mental illness is not a joke. I wish you’ll stop being so blithe with these infirmities. They may fit well into your arsenal of insults, but there’s such a thing as showing some sensitivity for the fact that there are people actually suffering them

yeah I get the levity behind being mentally ill…the more reason why one should be relieved that anyone suffering from such would not want to have offspring, and subject them to peril. Marilyn Monroe’s mother was mentally ill and we all know how she turned out – A promiscuous nutcase that killed herself. its not an insult or anything,its just fact. if one has professed to be mentally ill then said person or persons should not be compelled or cajoled into having kids

I didnt mention names. As regards Dennis. he did say he has OCD and thats a mental illness. And James did say he was Bipolar, that’s also a mental illness. so they are both mentally ill people…and I’m not being derogatory.

Correction: James said he thought he was bipolar, but has since realized he isn’t. And in spite of Dennis’ self diagnosis of OCD, he does not deserve to have the term ‘mental illness’ thrown in his face every two seconds. For someone who isn’t being derogatory, you seem to relish doing exactly that.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t sling your shots at them or anyone on KD.
I’m just saying, pick your bullets wisely.

another lovely piece from the amazing James, i can totally relate with the part about family complaining that they dont “know” any of your friends, yet when you bring your friends closer, they start to whine and complain “who is this one that walks and talks like a girl?”, “hmm, this your friend did this or that” … sigh … you just cant win when it comes to family. But i urge you to seek always to forge an even closer bond with your mother – her love for you is endless and unending,.
This isnt really the time nor place for you to jump into anything serious, you’re young as well as saddled with the burden of your studies, focus on that as well as discovering and getting to know yourself on a deeper level …
***muah*****

I know about Weasleys Patronus charm . Harmonies’ Patronus is an Otter.. So you see the connection. Dog chasing an otter. Rowling is brilliant.
I remember my skl days. Lots of boys to chose from. Theres always action around the corner if you look closely. But now, zero..

Ummm. Did I say something wrong? I was saying how much I like thick and long brooms. Now if you witches will excuse me, I am currently at Ollivander’s testing for a new wand. I think a thirteen inch Oak with unicorn hair would satisfy me. Toodles!