Our Hypothetical Future

produced at the 14/48 festival, 2/28/15. The randomly drawn theme for that night: "The Moment of Truth." My random actor draw: write a play for one man and two women.

Lights up on DELLA & TIMOTHY, snuggled on a couch together in front of a coffee table, watching the end of a movie.

DELLA: That movie was sweet. Don’t you think?

TIMOTHY: It was a little saccharine actually.

DELLA: C’mon, you were teary-eyed when she was getting on the train at the end, I saw you.

TIMOTHY: I admit I’m susceptible to flagrant emotional manipulation.

DELLA: I know, that’s how I keep you worshipping me.

She gives him a quick peck of a kiss. As she pulls away, he gently grabs her and pulls her back, and they engage in a longer kiss that begins to evolve into something more involved. MISSY enters, notices them kissing, hangs up her coat on a coat rack & heads for the couch.

MISSY: All right, get a room.

DELLA: We’re in one - it’s called the living room.

MISSY: Did I miss dinner?

TIMOTHY: You missed dinner, you missed the movie, you did not miss all the kissing on the couch.

Missy gives Della a big kiss, then gives Timothy a big kiss, then cuddles up on the other side of Timothy from Della.

MISSY: I’m sorry, I really thought I could escape work on time tonight.

TIMOTHY: Unfortunately I have to go home soon.

MISSY: Nooooo….

TIMOTHY: My shift starts at 8am...

MISSY: But I just got here…

TIMOTHY: By the time I get home it’ll be after midnight…

MISSY: Why do you live so far away?

DELLA: If you lived closer, think of how much more kissing on the couch you could accomplish.

MISSY: We talked about more than that! We talked about our entire future together!

DELLA; That was a hypothetical discussion about our hypothetical future!

MISSY: It’s not hypothetical at all if he moves in! That’s when our actual future together would start!

DELLA: Yes, but you’re missing a few steps between moving in and getting married, don’t you think?

MISSY: Sure, being engaged - I thought that step was implied!

Della & MIssy realize Timothy looks stunned, and fall silent.

TIMOTHY: Out of curiosity… where would I sleep if I moved in?

DELLA: We’ll make the basement into your bedroom. We’ve already got a foldout bed down there.

MISSY: Where you could sleep alone whenever you’re not sleeping with me or with Della or with both of us.

DELLA: According to a formula we devised to ensure we’re evenly distributing available time among the three of us.

TIMOTHY: Cool, I was just thinking our relationship didn’t have enough math in it.

DELLA: Anyway, we never officially agreed to ask him to marry us, Missy.

MISSY: Oh come on. Answer me, both of you - do you guys want kids?

DELLA & TIMOTHY: No.

MISSY: Do you guys like sex?

DELLA & TIMOTHY: Yes.

MISSY: Then what is the problem?

TIMOTHY: The problem is - apparently you two aren’t quite on the same page about this. So… to address each of your offers individually… I’ll think about it, and maybe.

Della and Missy both give Timothy a sharp look. They address him simultaneously:

DELLA: What do you need to think about?

MISSY overlapping: What do you mean ‘maybe’?

DELLA: You just want to keep your apartment for Tinder hookups.

TIMOTHY: Give me a break, have you honestly ever seen me on Tinder?

DELLA: Oh, of course not.

MISSY to Della: Wait, so you’ve been on Tinder?

DELLA: It’s not a big deal. I used your picture.

TIMOTHY: Anyway - I just want to be very thoughtful here. Your marriage is the core of this whole situation. I don’t want to risk that by barging into your home and disturbing the equilibrium, you know?

MISSY: It’s not “barging in” if you’re invited.

TIMOTHY: I’ll think about it. Pause. I’ll heat up a plate of leftovers for you before I go.

Timothy exits, leaving Della and Missy on opposite ends of the couch, fuming at each other. Finally, after a long pause, they turn on each other simultaneously:

DELLA: What are you, sixteen all of a sudden? We can’t just get married to the first guy who makes us dinner!

MISSY overlapping: You’re supposed to back me up, not make me feel like an idiot for having feelings about a guy!

Long pause.

DELLA: I didn’t mean to make you feel like an idiot about your feelings. I’m sorry.

MISSY: I’m sorry I surprised you by spontaneously proposing to Timothy. Maybe I just love him more than you do.

DELLA: Do you love him more than you love me?

MISSY: Well he makes me dinner a lot more than you do.

DELLA: Fair point. Long pause. That’s twice, you know.

MISSY: What’s twice?

DELLA: You just blurted it out while we were doing laundry, no romantic getaway, no ring, just “oh-my-god-Della-we-should-totally-get-married-am-i-right?”

MISSY: And you were like, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrr….” I thought you were having a stroke. Pause. Anyway I was right. And I’m right about this, too.

Long pause. Finally Timothy enters with a plate of pasta which he sets down on the coffee table in front of Missy as he sits back down in his spot between them on the couch.

TIMOTHY: I had time to think about it while I was using the microwave. Assuming the offers are still on the table - yes, I would love to move into your basement when my lease is up in a few months. And yes, I would love to join you in marriage someday, in a time frame that is low pressure and mutually agreeable to all parties. Pause. The floor is open for reactions.

MISSY: Della?

DELLA: I guess.

TIMOTHY: You guess what?

DELLA: I guess… we’re engaged.

Missy shrieks with delight, showering both of them with hugs and kisses. Then Missy addresses Timothy very seriously:

MISSY: You need to call in sick tomorrow, so that you can stay here tonight and celebrate.

TIMOTHY: I will if you will.

MISSY: It’s a deal! Now quick everyone - fetch champagne from the kitchen, and rendezvous in the bedroom immediately!

They jump up. Timothy is first out the door. As Missy and Della start to exit, Missy stops Della for one last exchange:

MISSY: Are you excited?

DELLA: I’m a little excited.

MISSY: Oh-my-god-Della-I’m-so-excited! Pause. Hey, by the way, am I popular on Tinder?