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Valley Girls: The Quest For Answers

For years one question has plagued my entire being: Why are teenage girls so bloody annoying? I speak mostly of the teens that can be labelled under the term "Valley Girl." The shallow, materialistic, self-absorbed and greedy girls who apparently woke up one morning and decided everything was to revolve around them from now on.

In my quest for answers, I have travelled the country to study these infuriating people. Along the way I learned a lot, came to a conclusion, and explained why I was watching teenage girls to many, many police officers.

My latest expedition took place in the heart of their territory: the mall. I had been tracking a group of Valley Girls there for nearly four days, watching as they went about their routine of spreading aggravation to the other shoppers and dissension among their own ranks.

The first stop on their apparently daily tour of the mall was the Gap. I still cannot utter that name without being overcome by an unearthly chill. As they perused clothing in the store, the apparent leader of the group, a scantly-clad doctor's daughter with too much make-up, looked down at her phone. This alpha female had evidently received a disparaging text message from her boyfriend. This was the only explanation for her negative reaction of, "Ugh. Omg, he's such a jerk, you guys."

As she began to type a response, I could not contain my curiosity and walked past to observe what she was writing, pretending to be a fellow patron as I did. I was shocked by what I read.

"luv u. c u soon." This was her reply to man she had just berated? Surely this young woman suffered from some form of bipolar disorder, or maybe attention deficit disorder. Or perhaps she was a lying brat. I'm inclined to belive to be some kind of mixture of all the previously mentioned conditions.

I followed them further, this time into the pit of darkness known as Victoria's Secret. I kept my wedding ring visible at all times, in the hope that people would assume I was there for my wife. It did not nearly reduce the discomfort as much as I hoped.

Nearly a quarter-hour after their excursion began, the girls were approached by another girl. She was a meek-looking person, clearly the omega female of their group. in her hand she held a shopping bag from Victoria's Secret. The leader of herd spotted it as well. With an almost sinister smirk, the alpha female pointed at the bag and said, "Oh, what do you have there?" She seemed to reach out, as if expecting the weaker girl to hand it to her.

"Oh, it's nothing. I just bought some pajamas," She moved the bag behind herself, sheepishly attempting to hide what was clearly a false statement.

The girls chatted a bit more, spouting off some typical babble, and the omega female departed. As she left, the alpha called out to her, saying, "I'll text you later. We totally need to do lunch some time real soon. Love you!"

Omega smiled in agreement, waived, and left. Alpha turned to rest of pack.

"Pajamas? Yeah, right. Omg, she is such a lying slut."

I srood frozen for a few seconds, overcome by what I had heard. Her psychosis had become more apparent. How could she switch between being nice and being cruel so quickly? These people. These valley girls. They boggle the mind.

I had now begun to fear for the safety of the pack. If their alpha female was begining to deteriorate in her cognitive capabilities, she would was surely going to lead them into danger. This fear was only more heightned, as at this point they had left Victoria's Secret and had entered a place far more horrible. I had no choice. I followed my subjects into a grown adult's personal hell. I was now in a Hot Topic store.

I tread nervously as the pack moved in unison through the store. Every two minutes or so one of the girls would stop to point something they thought was horrible, or point out something they thought was adorable, such the Hello Kitty merchandise. The Hello Kitty merchandise was by far their most appreciated of all the products in the store. I had never seen such obsession. They squealed and awed at every visible image of the cat. I took as many notes as I could, but their love the of the icon may prove enough to justify an entire thesis being written on it.

After about two rotations through the store, the alpha femalle once again made a declaration to the group.

"This isn't fair, girls. There's so much cute stuff in here, but I can't afford it. I'm so poor."

I struggled to understand what she meant. Judging by the four large bags from the Gap and Victoria's Secret that were hanging from her arms, I could not imagine this girl was in need of more money. I did not have to ponder the statement long though, because the alpha continued on and made it clear to me.

"It's so unfair. I'm just going to have to tell daddy I need more money the next time we go out."

I nearly stabbed my pencil through my notepad as I frenziedly wrote down what she said. Truly, this teen was the epitome of narcissism, entitlement, and aggravation. I had without any question found the ideal study for the negative effects of valley girls on society.

The excitement of my find was short lived however. As they left the Hot Topic and began travelling to the food court, assumingly to not eat, I spotted a older woman accompanied by mall security, and the woman pointing at me. Once again I was caught in a misunderstanding. I quickly pulled away from the clutch of teens and made my way for the parking garage. The search for answers would have to wait for another day, as I was not about to lose my notepad the same way that I lost my camera.