I welcomed 2017 with bittersweet hope, looking down the road full of uncertainties. In my last post, I spoke of never-ending brick walls in my way. I was nearly in despair, only to be reminded of the love & support I am surrounded by. It was the one bubble keeping me hopeful & pushing me on. Continuously whacking at that brick wall with my battered hammer.

And today, I am happy to announce that I have finally broken down that brick wall! Made a huge hole in it, and watched it crumble. Then proceeded to climb over it; now I’m seated on the remnants of that wall, sipping on my iced lemon tea, and staring at yet another brick wall a little further down the road. But that’s ok! Nothing can dampen the triumph I feel right now. The sense of achievement, the appreciation of just how much I have accomplished, & the cognizance of how far I have come.

The most important lesson I’ve learnt in 2016 is perseverance brings progress. One step at a time, things started to work out. There was always something in the way, rocks, boulders, rivers, you name it. All the damned time. I started wishing so hard for things to be over, for everything to come together already but all I experienced was the seconds ticking by like they always have, speed unchanged despite my fervour prayers.

I had to learn, that there is a time and place for everything. And there was. Every action, every decision, every turn led me to where I am right now. It wasn’t always easy. But I always remember believing in the magic.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Like how I’ve wished so hard for snow to come falling and, finally I got to see snow woo-hoo!

I honestly believed in that. It is one of those things that I keep telling myself over the years whenever I come across adversities. It is one way of letting myself discover how much I really want something. Because one can only have so many dreams, and one can only achieve all of them if they really want to. Don’t you think?

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”

I promised myself I wouldn’t let the fear of failure stop me. Even if I think it almost did. My mom never lets me forget that it’s ok to try again (& again & again & again…). It’s not the end of the world.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

And that, my friends, is how perseverance brings progress. Because by the eighth time, you would’ve set fire to the rain.

I did.

After two long years of paperwork, exams, and bureaucrazy, I am finally a registered nurse in this country I now call home. It was just yesterday that I was reminded that it has been 2 years since I graduated, since I made the decision to make my dreams a reality.

I don’t think I have ever been more proud of myself.

Right. Off to tackle that brick wall down the hall. Beyond that wall lies my new phase in life & I can hardly wait to begin.

050513. It was a rather quiet, dark night. With occasional moans and groans from a patient or two. While the whole of Malaysia waited with bated breath for the results of Malaysia’s 13th General Election, I was juggling between my tasks at hand and my colleague who was actively trending results online. It was hard to concentrate. Or rather, it was difficult for me to digest what was going on. Even with my other colleague cursing/swearing/rambling/grumbling about how the election was turning out, the whole situation still hasn’t sunk in yet.

Not until my shift has ended, and I crawled back home, turned on my laptop and “BAM!”. Everything was on my news feed. I was tired, exhausted, but I read on. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either. Sure, it would seemed like nothing changed, people are all unhappy and angry, yada yada yada. Looking on the bright side, you know there is change. What with 80% of the voters who came out to exercise their rights, you know that they have made a difference. Unfortunately for me, I was not one of them who got my finger blue and be part of the voice to make that change. Somehow, I was surprised how that saddens me a fair bit.

I cannot be more ashamed and heartbroken when the very next day, I see a horrendous headline flashing up everywhere on Facebook and other social media platforms; and I cannot believe my own eyes to see it was none other than Utusan Malaysia making such atrocious headlines. “Apa lagi Cina mahu?” (What more do the Chinese want?) was stamped across the page, huge and menacing. Even more shameful was when our own Prime Minister blaming the Chinese community, “Chinese Tsunami” he said, for the loss that Barisan Nasional has suffered.

“Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak has branded the election results on a ‘Chinese tsunami’ and warned that such "polarised" voting trends would be "dangerous" to the country.”

Is this how it’s going to be from now on? I blame your race and you blame mine? Are we segregating ourselves, once again? What happened to 1Malaysia? Was it all a hoax? Nothing but lies? But I believe in 1Malaysia. I am proud to be a Malaysian, I am thankful that I grew up wonderfully in a multiracial society and how we blend in with no issues. Even more wonderful that I speak Malay fluently (sometimes, people get confused about my race but that is not the point here) and though I don’t speak/understand Tamil much at all, I can still say “Vanakkam” (in a very good imitation of an Indian accent) and that would make my Indian friends laugh out loud. However, as much as I can prove that I am pure Chinese, no mixed blood whatsoever in my lineage, I am absolutely almost a failure when it comes to speaking my own mother tongue, believe it or not! LOL.

Languages aside, let’s talk about our cultures. Not only do we learn all about them in school, our groups of multiracial friends share them constantly, what with the never-ending invites to this wedding, that jamuan (feast), someone’s baby’s cukur jambul (baby’s first haircut), celebrating the month of Ramadan, Thaipusam, and many other adat resam Melayu, Cina, dan India (traditions of the Malays, Chinese, and Indians).

I honestly hope that there won’t be anymore racial comments after this; wishful thinking, I know. It’s probably going to go on for a while, now that the racial issue has been brought up. I pray that this won’t turn violent.

I’ve never actively taken part in any political discussion before, and this is my first open thoughts about it. So forgive the naiveté of this post. There’s nothing political in this post, no hate, just an expression of my thoughts. I have never realized how much I love Malaysia, until now, when I find myself tearing up at the all the updates about Malaysians coming together from all over the world to make a change and make their stand.

Say “NO” to racism, discrimination and hate, people! We are Malaysian, one for all and all for one!

I chanced upon this quote one day and it rings true down to every word:

“Home is not where you live, it’s where you love.”

Some day, I’ll come back and serve my country. Malaysia, the place I call home. I look forward to that. Wait for me, Malaysia.

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku.

(Ahem, picture courtesy of Google search. Lol.)

Saya Anak Malaysia, now and forever. ♥ 🙂

Toodles. ♥

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Home, once again. It’s been a week since and it has been a wonderful week. No doubt, the first week I spent lazing around at home, literally. Wasn’t very productive to be honest. But that’s what holidays are for.

This trip back home has been very emotional for me. Whether I liked it or not, my heart gets very sad every now and then. Sure, I was glad to be home, but I couldn’t contain this sorrowful ache in my heart. It gets too much and once in a while (actually, most of the time), I gotta hide somewhere and inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…until it all gets better again, you know?

Yes I know, I have hyperactive tear glands. They tear whenever, wherever my heart is squeezed with some overpowering emotion and it sucks. Regardless of whether I’m alone or in public, these damned tear glands won’t stop overproducing and it really gets on my nerves when people start exclaiming “ERHMAIGOD WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!” God, if that isn’t embarrassing enough already. I’M NOT CRYING, I HAVE HYPERACTIVE TEAR GLANDS, I’M TEARING UP. So there! There IS a difference between tearing up and crying.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do you?

One day, I had a little chat with Daddy. He was reflecting on my decision in becoming a nurse. But he’s not very happy now that I’m in a geriatric ward. Taking care of elderly (with or without dementia) was certainly not his idea of nursing. In his mind, I am contributing to a nursing home or some sort. And he’s not very keen of nursing homes. He has always been saddened by how some elderly turned out to be: unloved, alone, like a lost soul wandering around in a frail, aging body. I was nearly choking, trying to explain to him about what I really do. He wants me to change department, if not profession.

“Is this what you really want to do? What did you actually want, all those years back?”

“I did ask if I could take up biology/biotechnology. I wanted many things that didn’t seem possible back then. I didn’t really have a say…”

“Who said you had no say? You know I didn’t get involved with your decision.”

*And in my head, I go “uhhh…yeah, sure Dad.”*

“You know you had a say, you should’ve told us what you wanted.”

“I tried, but…well, nothing happened. There was also that offer to do Medicine…nevermind, Daddy. I don’t regret now.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm.”

So yes, I was a small girl with big dreams. I wanted to do many things. Things that I wasn’t sure of. I told them what I wanted, but I was denied. For the greater good they said. I wasn’t like my sister, she was fierce enough to fight for what she believed in, what she wanted, what she desired.

I was submissive. I agreed to whatever they have planned. When they asked if I was ok, of course I was ok. Dare I ask for more?

No.

I was surviving, so I stayed. I may not have been excellent, but I survived.

And Nursing? I chose this path. I knew nuts about it, and rammed straight into it. I woke up one day and really, JUST DECIDE to do Nursing.

(Now will you people STOP asking me why I want to do Nursing in the first place, thank you very much!)

I don’t regret it.

Home-cooked food. 😀

I like what I’m doing now. It breaks my heart most of the time, being in a geriatric ward. You can’t blame me, they remind me strangely, strongly, of people close to my heart. For me, it’s a challenge for me to keep it all together at work; and when I come home, I try hard to forget everything about work.

Red hair, red lips yo! 😀

I cannot guarantee that I will stay in geriatrics forever. There are still so many options for me to explore. But I’m still doing my best.

BFFs. Wished they are always close to me. 🙁

So, we’re all adults now. We have responsibilities. We earn salaries, we pay taxes, we pay for bills. While some of us are still cocooned in the safety of our parents’ care, some of us aren’t. Then comes rental, food and other homely stuff that would otherwise be free if we were still at home.

Quoting Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy:

Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you’d get a bike for your birthday or if you’d get to eat cookies for breakfast. Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don’t be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you’re training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn’t it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

Exactly my sentiments. Except the fact that I’m a nurse, not a surgeon. But still. Boils down to a common ground, somehow.

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I work hard, but it’s not hard enough. I try harder, but it’s still not good enough.

So what do I do?

Cry

Throw a tantrum

Flip the table, book myself the next flight home and go on a short escapade.

And of course, I picked the 3rd option! 😀 Best decision I ever made for myself last August, although the “book a flight home and go on a short escapade” was already well planned about 3 weeks ahead. 😀

Flew all the way back home (oh, the comfort!) and then drove all the way to Penang (ROAD TRIP!!!) with my two loves. The Wife and the Male Counterpart.

It was exciting, and it was a well needed getaway for me. The past couple of weeks was hell for me at work, something was just wrong and I couldn’t figure out what. I was counting down days and hours and minutes to the day I would just drop everything and leave, and you have NO IDEA how I was nearly kissing the ground on the day I finished shift and was getting my arse to the airport for the flight home.

The minute I touched down, I was ecstatic; smiling crazy happily at all my fellow people in Malaysia, LOL. Breezed through the airport going ~lalala was no joke. Had a great dinner with my parents after that (CRABS, I GOT CRABS!!!) and then went home and couldn’t stop story telling to my mom, with my dad shaking his head in the background. He thinks we talk too much, even over What’s App. HAA!

7AM the next morning, and I was in the car on a long drive to Penang. Actually, when it comes to my best friend, a drive to Penang wouldn’t be long, but this time, Mitch was driving so… we had to abide by his rules. He’s rather…cautious, I would say, about the speed traps and what not, so we only reached Penang after 4 painstakingly long hours. If Iman was driving, I would very much believe we would’ve arrived in like 3 hours. 😛 Kids, please do not encourage self or friends to drive this fast. 😀

The minute we arrived in Penang, my heart was still doing happy cartwheels. Got to the hotel, unloaded our luggage and off we went on our food hunt!

Mitchie trying to adjust the iPod dock/amplifier – didn’t work. 🙁

First stop was LUNCH! Wanted to go to this halal place which sells prawn noodles but oh! To our dismay! It was closing up cause they were finished with their bowls of noodles for the day! And it was barely 1.30pm! :O! *Nehiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! :’( So we trudged back to the car and tried to think of an alternative! Of course, having a Penangite in the car, we were interrogating Mitch like crazy on places he can take us. And he brilliantly suggested Nasi Melayu. The Wife and I were thinking, HMM! Sounds interesting, let’s go! Intrigued by the whole Nasi Melayu business.

Lo and behold, what he claimed to be Nasi Melayu, is really, actually, nasi campur.

So yes, if you had no clue what was discussed in the above conversation, generally it was figuring out why people in Penang called it Nasi Melayu (Malay rice) when it really is just nasi campur (mixed rice). Lol.

But, it was good rice, regardless it being Malay or otherwise. 😉

…no, if you think that was the end of the eating for the day, you are WRONG! Apparently, boy has more plans for us (at my request), he brought us to Straits Quay – some fancy place where *ahem* according to him, “tai tais” sit around in expensive cafes and chit chat over their latest buys.

Food hunt: round 2

Honestly, it wasn’t much of a food hunt this time, seeing that we were only there for one day and the fact that I am very particular about the ingredients of the food. Pork is an issue for me so although I have decided that it shall not hinder me from my food journey this time round, it has still hindered me, LOL.

My favourite local dish: Asam Laksa. I absolutely love it!

The Male Zunny and the Real Zunny. Lol.

Penangites are so artsy, never knew. 😛

The Wife. So flattering.

Ikan panggang! How can you not have ikan panggang in Penang! Sinful for me to be eating stingray but it’s so yummy! :’(

One of my best shots. I think. Lol. I love this shot. Just makes me feel so calm. That I was on a beach. Care-free.

Sometimes, we just need to run away for a while. Not necessarily for long. Just need to get out for a bit, get some fresh air, and come back renewed. I was standing on the beach, looking at this exact same view and as the waves come crashing in, I see how my troubles are like too. Like waves, they come and go; and it is only essential to have them just like the order of nature. They’re not here to stay, you can’t even catch them.

What is life without a little pain, what is life without a little rain?

I’m sure these troubles are here to teach us a lesson. Someway, somehow, it must mean something. At least I hope.

Air serbat with Mahad. Mahad, wtf. I cannot get over this name LOL.

This man has my ultimate respect, he cooks up wonderful yummy food and using his bare hands to chop them up while they’re just FRESH FROM THE WOK. Man with hands of steel, I tell you!

Never failed to amaze me EVERY SINGLE TIME. 😀

Now you may probably ask me, if I came back renewed, refreshed? I can honestly tell you, I sort of did. I felt better, waaaaaaayyyy better than I first left. I reorganized my thoughts, and I reset my focus. I know now, what I want and I damn well will do all it takes to make it happen. 🙂 Once these plans are confirmed, or at least on its way to a confirmation, maybe, just maybe I will share the good news. For now, let it stay low for a bit.

I am terribly missing the two monsters above right now. Both are back in London and I honestly CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THEY GRADUATE IN JULY SO I CAN FLY OVER AND SHARE THEIR SUCCESS YAYYYYYYY! Also, another damn good reason for me to take another break and go on a holiday LOL.

Who knows, maybe I’ll follow their footsteps and go where they’ve been, or maybe I’ll tail them both to where they may be going. Who knows? 🙂

Until then, LOTS OF LOVE AND MISSES TO THEM BOTH!!!

Toodles. ♥

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I actually thought I was going to spend Christmas, alone here in Singapore while having to work but surprise, surprise! I’m heading HOME! 😀 I have 4 days off from work so YAY! No way I’ll say NAY to home! Can hardly wait, in 12 hours, I’d be home! ♥

I’ll be home for Christmas.

It’s a wonderful feeling, to be able to spend Christmas with your family and loved ones. Although it’s going to be a very short trip back home, I am very thankful for the good luck. Not going to ask for anything more. 🙂

May you have a beautiful Christmas and that you end your 2011 with a bang! Looking forward to 2012, it’s going to be a fantastic year ahead! :D