In the States, I had Zaxby’s, Chik fil A, and Bruster’s ice cream. But I also dabbled in new meals at home like cauliflower rice and ate my share of bunless burgers in restaurants. Basically I tried to keep it compliant when things were under my control, but I didn’t freak out when it was very inconvenient not to be.

Although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased with how I’m looking. I don’t have official stats for you, but I’m probably down about 9% body weight.

Things have been a little all over the place, but I’m settling into a routine of a run or an exercise video five or six days a week. Meditation is starting to come back. (FINALLY.) I’m working on getting to bed earlier. I’ve been starting to wake up earlier naturally, excited for the day and with lots of energy.

Admittedly, it took awhile to get to this point. I had plenty of frustration where I whined, I’m working so haaaard. Why don’t I feel better? Lovely, right?

But after about four weeks, things started to click and I was feeling really good.

Cravings were really gone. I didn’t miss the sugar. Didn’t even miss the booze. (Crazy, right??? Me of 2015 could not have pictured this.) No clue how much of this was just a stubborn mindset shift or just my body responding to the good food.

And then I had a setback last weekend. We decided to spend the long weekend in Umbria. I booked an agriturismo. (Natch.) I figured I would have some less than stellar foods, but I would try to choose paleo when I could.

We visited a winery where I did sample the vino, but I enjoyed my farm-produced salami on gluten free bread. That night at dinner, I skipped the pasta course, but I didn’t make any special requests and my cutlet was breaded.

The next day, it rained. So much rain. Our main agenda was visiting cute hill towns. Even with rain gear, not super fun to just trek around in the rain with strollers. Womp womp.

So we hit up another winery with a kids area. This was after a breakfast where I did a good job of avoiding the pastries, but did a pretty bad job of finding other food to eat. At the winery, when they asked if we’d like to try some of their olive oil on bread, I said sure! And then we did a bad job of having an actual lunch later in the day, but we did have plenty of coffee.

I felt sick. So sick. I did not like feeling this way. Not one bit.

Unfortunately, I can’t even pinpoint why. Maybe it was the gluten. Likely wine on an empty stomach did not help. As did not eating enough food in general. To top it off, I now think I had a touch of the stomach bug the kids seemed to have. Just a hot mess.

This makes me nervous for the future. I really Really REALLY don’t want to be that guy. You know, the one who has to pick a special restaurant. The one who is always making special requests. The one who can’t just enjoy trips.

But this week, I’ve felt less than stellar. Am I going to have to be that guy?

I guess the answer is yes. Yes, if I want to feel the same way all the time.

(James hinted that I’m already becoming that guy when I throw around terms like “arrowroot powder.” Only in conversations with him, I swear!)

I’m at a point where I guess I know this. But I’m still really fighting it.

I don’t want to have to pack just-in-case food for myself everywhere I go. I already lug stuff for the kids; you’d think more food wouldn’t be such a big deal. I think, however, this is a lot of the reason I don’t want to pack more. I just want to feel free and unencumbered and un-snack-laden.

I don’t want to not enjoy agriturismi as much. I LOVE having someone else do the cooking! I quite enjoy sampling whatever tasty, seasonal dishes they put in front of me. I just want it to be easy.

I don’t want to make special requests. Part of me feels that I don’t even have the right to ask. Celiac is a very serious disease, and I do not have it. Is it OK to make requests just because it is my preference? Intellectually, I know it should always be fine to ask. It shouldn’t hurt anything. But it chafes my don’t-be-a-troublemaker mindset that I developed from a childhood of fear of authority figures. (“Authority figures” including, but not limited to, student crossing guards, church ushers, and pretty much everyone.)

So that’s me for now. I’m really enjoying the paleo. Bummed about the annoyances of travel and eating in restaurants. Conflicted on what to do going forward.

If I’m really going to do this, I should make my choice and just own it. I get this. But I’m still being wishy-washy. For now.