Tell us a bit about yourself!Hi! You can call me Mindy – though that’s obviously not my real name. I am in my late twenties and have two school-age children. I own and run a small real estate team. I am an avid outdoor enthusiast. I run, rock climb, and jump out of planes from time to time. I live in Boise, Idaho and we work out of San Francisco.

I consider myself a fun loving and honest person and a good parent.

Growing up, how did you feel about relationships?When I was a small child I thought my parents had a perfect relationship. I had older parents who were in their forties by the time I came around. As I got older, I realized that my parents struggled with money.

My mother was great with managing it and my father made it and had no problem spending it. We weren’t poor by any means, but my parents argued about money a lot.

My father was also an alcoholic and I remember a lot of nights where they slept apart. My parents divorced when I was 14, due to my father’s affair. My parents are back together now, but it is not what I would call a happy marriage.

I had a lot of relationships in high school and got married right after I graduated. He wasn’t motivated to work and I spend those three years pregnant and working to support our family. I always felt like I was one step away from never being able to pay the bills we had two girls over the course of a three-year marriage.

After my divorce, I had a string of partners that all wanted more from me than I was willing to give. I was proposed to three times during the seven years after my divorce. I can honestly say I was in love with two of them.

I sabotaged ruined the relationships because their lack of financial success made me nervous. I always felt like I needed to find someone who could make my life stable. I wanted a partner who had money and ambition. I didn’t ever want to feel like I was supporting someone again.

Can you tell us about your relationship with money?My relationship with money is complicated. I’ve always been a saver and I’ve always afraid of what was around the corner. I had a job from the moment that I turned 15, but it never felt like enough.

I paid for my own cars and college. I am one of those people that always has money in boxes hidden around the house. I will admit that I have spent many hours on the bed counting that money when I was feeling stressed or insecure about a situation. Money has always been a security blanket; if I had it I wasn’t stressed. If I didn’t have any, I thought about it all the time.

What’s your husband like?My husband is 15 years older than I am. He had one child but had never been married when we met. He has been working in the same field for 18 years. He works in as a director of operations for an international internet company.

He is smart, sensitive, analytical, funny, and controlling at times. He’s very attractive. He’s in great shape and cares about his body. We met on Match.com.

What was your financial situation like when you met your now-husband?I was doing fine financially when we met. I was keeping my head above water but never felt like I was secure. I had been diagnosed with cancer before we met and I was dealing with the possibility of being financially shattered.

I was actively seeking someone that would at least be able to make me feel secure if my cancer got worse and I was unable to work. I wouldn’t date anyone that seemed to be struggling financially.

If you could break it down into percentages, how much of your decision to marry your husband was based on personal compatibility/affection and how much was based on financial stability?
I would say 80% security and 20% love/capability the day I moved in and I would say it was 60% love and 40% security the day we were married. As I type this, I am very much in love with my husband.

Is your husband aware that financial stability played into your decision to marry him? Are the people in your life aware of this?My husband is very aware of finances. He knew from my dating profile that I wouldn’t even consider anyone who made under 150k a year. I am guessing he knew it was a factor that played a large role. We talked a lot about money when we were dating and I signed a prenup. He helps fund my business and keeps me on track.

We don’t share a bank account, but I do get an allowance and it’s enough that I have never had to ask for more. He understood why I was seeking security for myself and my girls.

Did you have any second thoughts on your wedding day? Have you had any second thoughts since?I have never had a second thought about marrying him. The day I married him was the last day that I felt like my world could crumble at any moment.

How is your life different now that you’re married?My life is a lot different. I used to login to my bank account on a daily basis checking balances. I couldn’t get my hair cut or do anything that I felt was a luxury.

I haven’t looked in my bank account in years because I know that he is taking care of it. We never have any money-related stress which is something a lot of married people fight about. I never worry if the mortgage payment is on time or if I am going to be able to buy the organic milk. I can take care of all the girls’ needs.

What are the benefits of your marriage? The drawbacks?The benefits definitely outweigh the drawbacks. My husband travels a lot and that’s hard. His work gives us a lot of flexibility but that also means that he’s away a lot. Since my father had affairs, I struggle with trust so spending so much time apart is hard for me.

My husband has specific ideas of how I should look, I need to keep up my body. He makes comments about my weight when I gain a few pounds. Mind you, I am 5’5 and 128 pounds right now; yesterday he asked me if it was time to stop snacking and start a juice fast or maybe add an extra day of cardio into my workouts. He can be very “his way or the highway.”

What would you say to people who don’t approve of your decision?I think I would congratulate them for not letting money be a factor in their choices. I wish that it wasn’t so important to me, but it is and I am not going to be ashamed of that.

I would never have been happy without having the support that I wanted. It wouldn’t have mattered how in love I was, money would have been an issue for me.

I feel like there is the misconception about why some people marry for money. I didn’t want to buy everything in sight. I wanted my children to be able to go to college, play piano, take gymnastics.

I wanted to know that if I change careers or decided to stay home and raise children that would be a possibility. I didn’t want to go to Paris and buy Prada.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Mindy. Do you guys have any questions for her?

41 Comments

Thank you, Mindy, for telling your story. You obviously have quite a lot of personal history that factored into who you ultimately chose as a partner. While I very much understand your reasoning behind the specific criteria you were looking for in a partner, I did struggle when I reached the part where you described your husband’s expectations about your looks and weight. It sounds like you’re aware that it’s not necessarily acceptable behavior, but I hope that you are willing to stand up for yourself in those situations.

“While I very much understand your reasoning behind the specific criteria you were looking for in a partner, I did struggle when I reached the part where you described your husband’s expectations about your looks and weight.”

So she’s allowed to have expectations, but he’s not? His are “not necessarily acceptable” because it comes to her looks, but she’s justified in having a criteria for how his wallet should look like? These are called trade-offs and exist in every relationship. If she expected him to be well off, it’s totally fair for him to expect her to be as closest to a bombshell as he’s paying for. Might be harsh, but not “unacceptable” behavior. I’m sure she also expects him to keep his financial status up, too.

Agreed. She requires her husband to make nothing less than $150,000/yr; he requires her to keep an attractive appearance- sounds like they both got what they wanted and a prenuptial to boot. Heck it sounds like he manages all the finances and gives her play money. So what’s so unfair?

I agree 100% with your interpretation of their trade-off. Im sure he wakes up every morning feeling the pressure of maintaining their lifestyle bc he knows it’s s deal breaker for her. I don’t see a problem here

Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciated you honesty. While I don’t think anyone could ever honestly say they married 100% just for love, it was rather shocking to see the terms of your marriage laid so bare.

What worries me are your comments that “He is smart, sensitive, analytical, funny, and *controlling* at times”, along with the fact that you have a prenup (not a bad idea for someone with assets) BUT also don’t log into your bank account and have him manage the finances. Please, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (I’m sure you know this). If your prenup means that if you split, he walks away with all that is his, you’re then left where you were before he was in the picture. Get your financial house in order, beware of what you’re entitled to and how to protect *your* business (I hope that’s also in the prenup, particularly given the fact that he’s involved with it, this could be very messy!), and be sure you have a slush fund. You just never know.

I have to admit that your husband comes across as a jerk in this post, and I definitely thought “small wonder!” when you said he’d never been married before. He just doesn’t sound like a catch, and the dynamics of your arrangement sound unequal to me. If you were my friend, I’d be worried for you. I hope you can model a healthy relationship for the sake of your daughter. Security exists in many forms outside of economic.

Thank you for sharing your story, Mindy! (And thank you Sarah for interviewing Mindy and posting this fascinating interview!) I wish you and your husband all the best, and hope that your daughters grow up to be accomplished and happy women.

The only thing that saddens me about your interview is that I realised how few options there are for women to earn “big money”. (Duh, right?) You, for one, are obviously a motivated and capable woman (I’m judging by the fact that you have your own business) who could have, under different circumstances, made her own fortune. And this goes for many other women, too. So why are there still so few wealthy women as compared to men? Here’s hoping that the world might be a slightly more friendly place – in terms of earning a living – for your daughters, or perhaps their daughters.

Mindy, our stories are flip-flopped. I grew up in a house where we could take dance or horseback riding, we built a new house, I got a car (used) at 16. My mom stayed home once she had kids. My parents had, and still have, a great relationship and are financially very stable. I have a great marriage as well, but my husband and I most likely will not enjoy the kind of financial stability that my parents did. (Hello being a millenial.) Lessons or sports teams for our kids will be a luxury. I feel guilty about a $40 haircut. I would chose my husband again in a heartbeat, I knew he was my husband the night I met him. But I understand you. I don’t want to fly to Paris to buy Prada. I’d just like for Christmas not to be stressful.

Amen. I am a female, nearly mid twenties. Thought I was in love, had a child out of wedlock with a man who has been married and divorced. He’s been the financial stability but I have been working. Now supporting his family is a burden. I don’t do enough, or the right things.
So ask me now if I would have a problem with a man wanting a certain image at the expense of me having an allowance that covers my housing, utilities, son’s needs and on top of it I get nice things too.
Feminism takes some shit too far. I’m 4’11 and weigh 88lbs. Sign me up.

I’m a research scientist, and I dedicated my career to trying to find a cure for cancer. As an academic, I only make around 60 k. I have had job offers that would have allowed me to buy Mundy, but they were for soulless Big Pharmaceuticals positions. I am fit, mountain climb, high iq, but I am constantly rejected even by average women the minute they realise I am not a banker.

ps, sorry for autospelling. I live in Paris, and that doesn’t help me.
One of the double standards is that most men will be happy to be with even an average looking women provided she exercises, but most women only want millionAires.

Will girls you need to know men , surprisingly women who throw all her chips on him
He will love her For ever and real
Just show love or else after he become rich
it is not going to show that love
no matter what .!
It is give then take don’t ask for more
My way or the high way

Hey I’m exactly the same Mindy so I wouldn’t judge you at all. First husband, yeah we ‘loved’ each other but what an absolute useless bum he was and above all a user. Our marriage was highly unfair, everything was supposed to be 50/50 but it was more like 70% me and 30% him. He worked an hour longer than me and came home and did nothing. I worked long hours myself, came home and did the cooking and cleaning, shopping and paying bills was mostly done by me too because he was either never at home or never in the mood to do it. I constantly had a battle on my hands and would just do it myself because talking to him was like talking to a brick wall. On top of that I was paying towards almost everything, he’d just pay a smaller fraction extra because he made a LOT more but never once did he even suggest to paying towards most stuff as he should have done because 1. I was doing most of the work and 2. He always wanted to be called the ‘man of the house’ despite never behaving like a man. Suffice to say that despite ‘loving’ him I had zero respect for him and it actually came as a surprise to him when we eventually split and I didn’t go crawling back to him (the way he thought I would).

The thing about keeping yourself looking good for a man isn’t just specific to rich men, even my useless, stingy-as-hell, good for nothing ex-husband (whom might I add was average looking with a pot belly himself) also made demands right from the beginning over the way he wanted his woman to look. As do almost every man I think. From men I talk to online to men I have dated to male relatives, they always claim that ‘of course a woman should keep herself looking good for a man… blah blah blah… how else would we be interested… blah blah blah… if she doesn’t want us to stray… blah blah blah’ so the irony is that a man – whether rich or poor, ugly or good looking, a gentleman or a boy – is ALLOWED to demand a good looking woman but a woman ASKING for a wealthy man to look after her financially is apparently not allowed…!

Is that not called… hypocrisy? Or is it irony… I dunno, anyways

so now I’ve officially given up on dating bums and have been in two long term relationships with sugar-daddies (dated three, settled with two of them) and yes I would definitely say that being with a wealthier man is BY FAR 1000x better than the original. To me anyways. For starters they behave like men and actually know the true meaning of the word gentleman. They make you feel protected, they make you feel secure, they keep things fair, you feel like you’re actually with a MAN…. and its all because they can actually afford to be men.

Yes it may or may not last, I am fully aware of that. Every ‘baby’ should always be smart enough to go into their relationship with their eyes fully wide open. One thing I suggest to anyone is to do the 50/50 or 60/40 or 70/30 rule when it comes to money. When he gives you his American Express and tells you to go crazy with it or hands you a huge wad of cash for another shopping spree or you sweetly ask him to put another three thousand in your account because you want to pay for x,y,z (c’mon just make up an excuse) then be smart enough to SPEND SOME, SAVE MOST! Because its true, you never know when he might just end it with you or stop supplying and even if you are married to him with no-pre nup is no guarantees that you will walk away with half. Men have a sneaky way of ‘losing’ all their money before the inevitable divorce. So if you don’t want to end up locked out one day with no where to go make sure you start working on a safety net now. A lump sum of cash stacked away somewhere that he doesn’t know about, your most expensive jewellery kept at a trustees house and a home to go to (or at least have the keys to one of the cars hidden underneath one of the flower pots outside the home, just in case that might have to be your bed for the night) lol what, better to be safe than sorry…

“Mindy,” I applaud your brave honesty. Like you, I have two little ones (fur babies) that I very much need to take great care of. However, I am very lucky in that, both my husband and I make enough to get by, and we have the great joy of unconditional love for one another. Unconditional. I find that the growth of two people, getting old and learning together makes for a great marriage. The only thing I worry about is the example that is being set for your kids. Two questions, Did you sign a prenup? Do you two have life insurance?

Does your husband ever hold his financial position over you when you argue? In other words, does he make you feel that because he holds the purse string that he could take that all away at any moment? If so does that hinder your own feelings of security in your relationship and your ability to assert your opinion? My husband very much does this. I want know if my husband’s behavior is typical (though that doesn’t excuse it) or if he is particularly emotionally abusive.
This is an old post, but if Mindy is still around or if some with some insight into my question would like to answer, that we be very much appreciated!!

I too am with a wealthy husband who threatens to sell the car he bought me and honestly I feel like he just keeps me around to be his personal cook and house maid. We started off in a relationship where we both had little money, but over the years his career progressed more than mine. He now earns 5x more than I do and that automatically makes him think he is in control. Buying me nice things to make it seem like he loves me, but then threatening to take it away when I don’t please his needs or act a way that he approves. I’ve never been so miserable but I know he will take everything if I leave.

I am in love with a older man (18 years older), truly in love with him. We are both incredibly broke renting a shitty basement suit. My son (2) loves him and he loves my son and I. Though I fear we will always be broke. There is this man I use to date who is a next level of wealthy. He wants to get married, promises he would treat my son as his own and buy us a million and a half dollar home that would legally be mine even if our relationship did not last. I currently can’t afford to keep my son in daycare which means I may have to give up on my university education, which is truly important to me. So I am at a cross roads. I love my partner so much and the thought of leaving him hurts like hell, but what if we could never give my son the life I want for him? We wait for the bus everyday in the freezing cold and forget about sports. On the other hand this man would provide us absolute security, private schools, sports, a home we would own and the ability to keep my education and have a vehicle. He also would not be home every night and I don’t believe for a minute he truly loves either of us. I know I sound terrible for even thinking about it, but I swear my sole thought is to give my son the best life. Can someone please offer advice, this is eating me up inside.

Be careful Tammy. Not all that glitters is gold and money is not everything as the old adages go. Men promise you the moon when they lust after you, but once they get you it is over. It is even worse of he knows that you are leaving a current partner for him. The honeymoon can be shortlived. He will not trust and he will know you are only in ot for the money and treat you as such. Also watch out for your son. How do you know he is not a pedophile?

Hello Sarah, my name is Cecilia and I am an author currently writing a nonfiction book about women who married for money. I would love to interview Mindy for my piece (this goes without saying, but I’d naturally protect her identity). Would she be interested? If she needs to vet me to check if I’m legit that’s totally fine. Just let me know. Thank you!

I feel me and Mindy have so so much in comment and I too amuch going through a ruff time. I got pregnant and the father of my daughter beg me to keep our first child and that he would help. When my daughter was about 8 months he left us for a lady that’s 11 years older for her money so now I’m left all alone with my daughter and struggling I too would love to meet someone with money just to get help and get back on my feet I don’t seek for.money to buy Prada or expensive brands, but instead to pay off bills and give my daughter the life I would love for.her to have.

^^^^So a woman should marry solely for love? The number one cause of divorce in this country is over finances. You can’t pay bills with love. Who wants to struggle? Let’s not act as if men are always altruistic. I wouldn’t marry only for money nor would I do the same for love.

Happy to hear of a woman knowing herself and her goals well enough to make a proactive decision. Everyone else with their heads in the clouds can judge all they want for as long as they want. Not everyone has experienced struggle. Not everyone has been dealt trauma. Home girl knew what was important to her and found it. Most of us can only hope to be so fortunate.

My favorite part: when Mindy says she does not share a bank account with her husband, and remembers that her parents used to fight about money often. I can totally relate to this. My parents always fighted about money, because it was all shared. My mom stayed at home to raise the kids, so all her money had to come through my father. To this day, I am sceptical of sharing bank accounts with a boyfriend or husband. I feel Mindy is letting me know it’s ok to keep separate bank accounts.

This post brings to light something that is often ignored: there are other important aspects to a relationship besides emotional chemistry. That’s why people will sometimes say, “Love isn’t enough.”

I am realizing that I want so much more than attraction in a partner. Financial securtiy is also important to me.

I agree with Mindy’s decision. However, I believe she isn’t telling the whole story about what she thinks of her husband. I have been with my husband for 8 years (married for 5). We met when we were 20 in university and we didn’t have any money. I married for love and saw the potential and ambition in my husband to be a wonderful provider. I worked in corporate and he is an entrepreneur who managed to make millions. After we had our first child, i became a stay at home mom and found out about several affairs and relationships he had and continues to have with other women over the years. I was devastated. I no longer believe in romantic love because of how quickly I fell out of love with him. So, I continued the marriage for the money to build my financial security and my children.

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