Thursday, October 28

All the glamour attached with the service was fine and the sense of pride that this made available not only to himself but his family and his country was something that always kept his spirits up.In spite of all the physical hardship and stress, it was moments like these that sometimes bring in the ever-so-little regret that he felt for not choosing a civilian life.

This had been a family tradition of sorts. Strangely, for three generations now the only son of the family would grow up to be a proud soldier- working, defending and living for the country. There was also one more thing. 'Your grandfather, like me, could not see his only child at birth. I hope things are different for you, son', his father had said, while rejoicing at the news of his son's upcoming parenthood. The first time his grandfather had seen his son was when the child was already 3 months old, only reading about it in letters. As for his father, things had been better, although he could only come back home after 8 months of the child's birth, he could hear his voice over the telephone. He could at least hear its breath and pure unadulterated laughter if not see the eyes which would, later , speak so much.

Aryak sat , seemingly quiet, with all these and more thoughts playing chaos in his head. It could be any moment now. He would be something more,much more than what he was right now- he would be a father. Then turning to his pc he answers the incoming call from the hospital. The image he sees leaves him speechless. It had been 'different' for him, like his father had hoped. He saw his daughter on the screen like she was there with him. All the distance vanished in a matter of seconds. All the regrets lost. All the emotions over powered him. It was at that moment he knew, life would never be the same for him again.

Monday, October 25

You say you want to fly, looking for new horizons. I would fly with you too if I hadn't burnt my wings trying to protect your dreams when you were flying so close to the sun , unaware how the glaring sun seared me on the other side of the comfortable shade.

I have gone too high and fallen too hard to want to fly again.I am not- never was- the unearthly phoenix you always assumed I was. I am just an ordinary winged dreamer, now withered for your sake.

You've flown, and I sit here content by the shattered pieces of the opera glass refusing to see the spectacle of your flight.

Tuesday, October 19

She had to go. Had to escape. When the best memorable moments of your life become the worst nightmares, all you can do is get the hell out of the picture and get yourself bigger, better , brighter memories.

[A few weeks later]

She had all her favourite things- except one( she keeps telling herself He was not her favourite person in the world any more but...)- securely packed. She was ready for a new life. A new place, new laughters and also tears.

[One fine Saturday]

It felt like ages had passed between then and now; there was an unbridgeable gulf between where she belonged and where she had come to be. Andy- her six year old neighbour- was the only friend she had made here. They had met when one day she got out of her apartment to see Andy and her mother playing with the new puppy they had got. She took out her phone, instinctively, and clicked a picture. An innocent moment- captured for eternity, with all it's innocence intact for she knew how important it is not to lose these moments of pure, unadulterated joy. She had lost all of hers and this was the moment that started it all again. Later when they became friends, it was because of Andy that she could let herself feel how it felt to share something with someone again- a friendship, smiles, memories and a birthday, something hurt-proof.. She agreed to attend Andy's birthday party in the evening not only because it would make Andy happy, but also because she did not want to spend her own birthday sulking in a corner, alone.

[That evening at Andy's party]

Amongst the screaming and hysteric six-year olds, she sat alone, looking pretty in her new purple dress- a present she got herself. She had in her hand the first picture she ever took of Andy, framed and wrapped with pretty ribbons.Her favourite colour and her favourite new friend , what more could she ask for on her birthday after all that had happened to her. Her smile showed a glimmer of content. Life, as she knew it, at that moment, stopped being a nightmare. It could be, if not a dreamlike utopia, simply life again.

Monday, October 18

I look for something I urgently need and don't find it anywhere, no matter how many times I look 'all over the place'.It is time for my beauty sleep and guess what makes an appearance under me on the very bed I just cleaned so I can get on with my siesta!

I'll bet you 100 jars of mayonnaise there is a secret door to theWonderlandsomewhere under my bed.Isn't it,then, fair if I blame Alice for borrowing my things unapproved and causing me such inconvenience - in my work and my sleep ?

Saturday, October 16

"It's SHITE being ******! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are COLONIZED by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to be colonized BY. We're ruled by effete assholes. It's a SHITE state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and ALL the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference! "

Its weird the way we take so much pain to get to one class and so much more to bunk another. Whatever the case, when I am sitting in a classroom, by choice or compulsion, I experience these sporadic, yet as Barney Stinson would say, ‘full of awesomeness’ moments where a word, a phrase or an idea just hits me, and sometimes hits me hard. That is when I know the class was a success, whether or not the syllabus has been covered or I have learnt something ‘useful’, is secondary.
To draw a conclusive balance-sheet of what I have picked up from my classes here is a mini-statement of few of my classes last semester (yeah I took the liberty of getting myself a half a year extension) . I might have forgotten the context, the exact words nonetheless the idea stays:

Okay, so here we were at 9am, Friday morning, learning big Greek words and bigger ideas propounded by Aristotle, and in spite of all of them being thrown in my direction…the only phrase that hits me(not that I am not listening to the rest) is ’mad elephant emotions’. Now, it wouldn’t be too wrong to say that I have my fair share of emotional effusion. So the natural pull.

There are good people and then there are God-people. Here speaks the great Prof: ‘People, here, have been too obsessed with God to care much about good. ’

Where is the pursuit of the ‘impossible beauty of human thought’, is the question I leave the class with.

One can have epic dreams but might, as it happens in more often than not, they might end up caught up in a domestic destiny. Whatever happens inside at least the household can be high up. I quote, “If you aim for the stars, you’ll at least reach the terrace.”

“At some point of your life you have to disobey, man!!”

“Some people who do just acts are not necessarily just”

‘MBA students have no mind.’(It’s all about the mumbo jumbo of following rules after rule. Nothing new ever spring out of that lot.)[Ahem]

A quest and the eternal hope for something new and interesting keeps a healthy mind going. So, the phrase here “contented pigs/ discontented Socrates”

Thursday, October 14

There are times when you take decisions. Then there are times when you aren’t sure and change them. And then, there are times when you feel abso-frigging-lutely sure you made the right choice. The stages are difficult, sometimes overlapping because doubt is like dandruff, no matter how many anti-dandruff hair products you use, no matter how much you ‘eat right, drink right and sleep right’, it just manages to miraculously make its presence felt.polithinks:Yet these liminal moments of doubt are what make the final resolution so rewarding.

Sunday, October 10

Mia: Don't you hate that? Vincent: What? Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable? Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question. Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

Monday, October 4

I have a strong Dee Dee instinct and it worries me sometimes.
All the forbidden buttons seem to attract my curiosity and fan my urge.

People keep telling me things that I shouldn't do, the things that I tell myself I shouldn't do, not for the nth time at least. But I still end up indulging my whim to see if things would be different this time around.

the stupid cow disease

But i am stuck. Its like watching your favourite movie over and over again. Except its not a good-favourite. Its just a pathetic obsession. There is no happy ending or happily-ever-afters.You keep expecting things would turn out differently with the characters involved so they are not heart broken/killed/handicapped/reduced to useless no-ones by the events in the plot. You know nothing would change, yet you sit through it hoping, till it ends up disappointing and disturbing you again, getting ready to give it another run.

I ,apparently,take a different route/approach each time but they all seem to send me to the same place. 'I am stuck' is the thought of the day.