YOUR BEAUTY should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. * 1 Peter 3:4 *

Power Through the Pain

I’m in the most ridiculous place I’ve ever been in my life: having the opportunity to write – classes haven’t started up again, so I’m not bogged down with homework or research assignments – and there really isn’t anything that is absolutely vying for my attention. However, I’m finding it difficult to find the motivation and concentration to write, falling victim to both boredom and, sadly, pain. The headaches have been a part of life for the past 8 years – the lovely side effect of playing host to my resident benign brain tumor; usually, I don’t let them slow me down. Today, though, the combination of gentle, dull pain throughout the left side of my sinuses and this new, deep ache in my left thigh that’s developed over the past month or so has me a bit agitated, restless, and distracted. I have several different pieces of “inspiration” for my story/stories, and I know I’ve got to get some of them on the page before I lose them to the “I’m not as young as I used to be” broken webs in my memory vault.

Aside of the brain tumor – this current one (alluding to the fact that this is NOT the only one I’ve had!) is one that was discovered in late 2008, and deemed inoperable because of its positioning around the internal carotid artery – I also dance a delicate ballet with fibromyalgia, able to leap, pirouette, and spin some days, while other days, full-on solo “Fish dive”! But wait! There’s more! (As a kid during the rise of the original “infomercial” and the coveted Ginsu knives, I’ve always wanted to say that!) Because I also carefully manage hypothyroidism, gout, and hypokalemia, the pain in my left thigh could stem from so many different things. I’ve been jumping around so much lately at home (summertime lawn maintenance, a whirlwind weekend trip to Los Angeles to celebrate Mother’s Day and a milestone birthday for my beautiful mom – during which I also sustained a right rotator cuff injury – entertaining family members from out of town with a four-day trip to Canada, keeping up with my 14-year-old son and his “band of brothers”, not to mention the dog and two cats) and working extended hours at the office, I’m not sure I know where this pain is coming from. I’m trying to maintain a decent balance of electrolytes and proteins to make sure my muscles aren’t “starving”, including plenty of potassium. I’ve suffered through potassium infusions in the past, and do not wish that torture even on the most belligerent politician.

I could roll up in a ball somewhere in the house, whether on the sofa or on my bed, and attempt to take a nap – I’m sure some parts of my body would audibly thank me if they could! At the same time, I believe the pain in my thigh would keep me from actually falling asleep, and I would be just as restless in the supine position as I am sitting here in front of my computer… And far too often, I start “writing” in my head as I recline just prior to drifting off to sleep, wrinkling my nose in disdain for not having spent more time actually writing! So, I say ‘power through the pain’ – a life motto, of sorts – and at bare minimum, kick out this monologue. If I can get borrow my mom’s classic philosophy, and maybe slam my thumb with a hammer to divert my attention from the pain in my head and thigh, I may be able to make some headway on these stories… Wish me luck!

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p.s. Kudos to all of you out there who make it through each day! It can be a challenge, and rarely do we have a cheering section, carrying us upon their raised voices when our energy, strength, and hope falter. Kudos to you!

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What is a Smudge?

In the briefest of terms, I’m just a passing thought, a flicker of imagination, a whisper of suggestion… I’m a shadow in a crowded room, a light fixture around the office, a low hum deep in the subconscious… I’m rather random: light and breezy, plucky with humor, engaging a smile, but then inquisitive, thoughtful, dark, contemplative… I’m a word or two, tossed out to rescue the mind of incessant ramblings; erased, rewritten, rubbed away, and scribed again... A smear on fresh, glossy-white paper, a smudge – a remembrance of that which has been lost to futility…

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