Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 5 & 6 Recap

Clearly this has turned into homework and the hate-watch is in full effect. I mean, noooooooothing is happening, AMIRITE? Anyhow, the executive decision has been made to combine these recaps, wrap this up and begin prepping to watch Arie on the next season of “The Bachelor”. Let’s dive in.

Scallop Fingers arrives

Another outcast from Nick V’s season, Christen shows up to stir things up in Paradise. She does the typical talk to all the guys and figure out who may want to go on a date bit. To everyone’s enjoyment – she lands on Matt which slowly drives Jasmine over the edge. At first she’s cool but then she starts getting upset while talking to the other women. She begins drinking (ruh-roh!) and then storms off to confront Christen as she’s brushing her teeth. Conveniently, Ravens and Taylor swoop in to comfort Christen after goading Jasmine into nearly choking her out. She’s pretty shaken up primarily because she thinks Matt super doesn’t like Jasmine.

Ok, so we find out the Christen has the nickname “Scallop Fingers”. While in Miami with the crew, I guess she got a to-go box for her leftover seafood (weird) and started snacking on it while in a cab (weirder).

We actually didn’t get to see a date between Christen and Matt because all ABC showed us were random 3 second clips between more footage of Jasmine melting down. I’m sort of impressed that she has this much energy to spend on a guy she’s known for literally less than a week.

Robbie’s grand gesture

Robbie is kind of an odd duck. He’s been busy courting Amanda and decides it’s time for something big. I guess all that was available were a bunch of glow sticks because his “big” move was to throw them into the hot tub for Amanda. He leads her there and then goes in for a kiss. She rejects him, of course. I think Robbie should have dreamed a bit bigger.

Oh, and Dean and Kristina have another awful conversation which I checked my email during. Right after this Taylor and Matt get into it and he tells her “F*ck you”. She tells him that this triggers her, proceeds to meltdown and I’m sort of confused but don’t care enough to rewind.

Taylor is triggered

Rose Ceremony!

Chris Harrison tells the cast that “you never know what can happen!”. After this pretty big tell, all the women scramble for roses with Adam being the big prize (which confuses the hell out of me). Lacey dresses down Diggy for not talking to her before going on another date which may not be the wisest strategy. Dean is super insincere with Kristina but unfortunately she finds what he said to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to her. He follows this up by immediately flirting with “D-Lo”

In a super weird but super reasonable turn, Matt decides to peace out on this debacle instead of staying back to see where things go with Jasmine or Christen. Savage move!. The twists continue when Daniel (the super odd Canadian guy) shows up and we get a “to be continued…”

Rose Ceremony conclusion

We return to the action at Playa Escondida with Lacey proclaiming that Daniel, her man, is now here. I’m not sure if this is the tequila or the desperation talking but it’s weird. Daniel, being the weirdo himself lets Lacey know that HE thinks it’s weird that she’s been waiting for him. What is going on, people? He then refers to Lacey as “the scraps” since she isn’t paired up. Wowzers.

Somehow, Daniel settles for scraps and gives Lacey his rose. Matt shows back up to give Jasmine his rose but she’s not having it. She accepts begrudgingly. Adam chooses Raven over Sarah and Dean is next and muscles through doing the right thing and gives Kristina his rose. Dean thinks he’s out of the woods with D-Lo until Ben Z gives her, what is clearly, a producer rose. Alexis and Sarah say goodbye and head home.

Luchadores because we’re in Mexico, remember?

A group of Lucha Libre wrestlers show up and wake everyone up while delivering Daniel a date card. I wonder what their date will be? Lacey thinks it’s obviously for her but he tells her that it definitely isn’t. Until he asks her to go on the date later on. I’m so confused.

Jonathan, the tickle monster, next shows up and finally the show feels like it’s worth watching again. His date card says “pick someone that tickles your fancy”. Decent dad-joke, ABC. Finally, someone gets it when Raven points out that Jonathan is nice, good-looking and has a sense of humor to go along with being a doctor. Yeah, we know, Raven!

Daniel and Lacey’s wrestling date is just strange. See below

Christen tickles Jonathan’s fancy and they go on a date. Jack Stone is sweating bullets back on the ranch and maybe he should be. Jonathan and Christen seem to hit it off. They hang out, eat some food, have weird hands on their fingers then kiss. Not exciting but one of the most normal interactions we’ve seen so far.

Corinne in studio

The last 45 minutes of this episode are a slog through discussions with the cast and then with Corinne. Since we’re only 6 episodes into a 9 episode season this feels really unnecessary but clearly the producers are as bored of this as we are and are just trying to fill time. We close with our long awaited sit down with Corinne. Actually, I’m not sure anyone was really waiting for this. She felt bad, she got drunk hopes that DeMario is ok. This is honestly all that was covered in 20 minutes that I’ll never get back.