So here’s my totally uninformed guide on pretending to know what you’re watching.

OK, what’s the big deal?

Yes, good question. Hard to say, really, except the Super Bowl is more a spectacle than a sports event.

It taps America’s cultural pulse. It’s given us some great TV moments. And such terms as ‘wardrobe malfunction’.

It’s also one of the few TV shows people watch for the ads. Last year’s game may have been the most viewed American television program in history but no one’s tuning in for the football.

No, they all want to see how the world’s biggest companies spend $5 million each in 30 seconds. The answer is quickly and not that well. If this is marketing’s finest hour, marketing needs an intervention.

Then there’s the eating. More food is consumed in the US on Super Bowl Sunday than on any other day but Thanksgiving. And none of it’s healthy.

And it’s a night, apparently, when a lot of procreating gets done. Which has become quite the selling point for the NFL.

Who’s playing?

Coldplay is the headline act. Which hasn’t gone down well in the Twitterverse.

Can Coldplay consciously uncouple from the halftime show tomorrow and just let Beyonce handle it?

Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars are also part of the bill. It probably would’ve been better to ask who’s not playing.

No, I meant which teams are playing, you idiot?

OK, calm down. Simple misunderstanding.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter. As I think we’ve established, with all the ads and singing, food and bonking that’s going on, no one’s actually following the game.

Yes, but what if I need to sound informed about what’s going on?

Trust me, you won’t. But there are only two players you need to know about. The quarterbacks. Denver’s Peyton Manning and Carolina’s Cam Newton.

Manning’s easy to spot. He’s the one with the Zimmer frame. He used to be a really good player but, at 103, he’s way past his prime and relies on magic powers and voodoo to win games.

Cam Newton is football’s equivalent of John Travolta. He’s upset all sorts of people with his touchdown dances. People really need to loosen up, maybe dance a bit more. Perhaps at half time.To Beyonce.

If you’d like to know more about our two protagonists, the kind folk at Saturday Night Live have put together this educational video.

So who’s going to win?

Have you not been listening at all? How many times do I have to tell you, this is not about football.