Three guys try to crash a Christmas party and the host tells them they are not invited. They beg and plead a little and the host says, well, since it’s the holidays, I’ll give you each a chance to show me something “Christmassy” and maybe I’ll let you in.

The First guy digs in his pocket and holds up a lighter. “Candle?” he suggests.

The host shrugs his shoulders and lets him in.

The second guy digs in his pockets and finds his keys. Jingling them he suggests, “Bells?”

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

“How did you end up with a peg leg?” asks the seaman.
“Shark attack.” Replies the pirate.
The seaman continues to ask, “and the hook?”
“Sword fight”, he responds.
“And the eyepatch?”
“A seagull shit in my eye”.
The seaman asks, “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?”
“Well”, says the pirate, “it was my first day with a hook.”

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

For many years, two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. One morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues, I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Her father answers the door and says she is not ready yet and asks what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.' Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep everytime."

After many months at sea, a young navy man reaches the shore looking for action, but has only $20.00 to his name.

He finds a girl & she says, “$50 for a BJ, $100 for a screw

He says, “But all I have is $20.”

She says, “For $20, all I can give you is a penguin.”

What’s a penguin?” he asks. “Come with me and I’ll show you”. So he follows her into the alley and she takes the money and begins to slowly and seductively slide his pants down-- then gets up and walks away.

THIS PART MUST BE ACTED OUT TO BE RETOLD
He shuffles his feet after her, confused,

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."