Apr 29 File under WTF.

This "news" article pissed me off enough to express my outrage on both Twitter AND Facebook, so please excuse my profanity-laced rant about it. Here is the headline:

Poll: A third say pets listen better than husbands

What the fuck, indeed. A third of who? Losers? People with no friends? People who never should have gotten married? Who are these people?

The headline was enough to make me not want to read the article but morbid curiosity lead me on. Why is what morons are thinking “news” these days? I will dismantle what is wrong with the world, through the eyes of this “news” piece here:

LOS ANGELES – Husbands, if you end up in the doghouse, consider it a promotion.

This is plain stupid. Sorry, Sue Manning, but it is.

A third of pet-owning married women said their pets are better listeners than their husbands, according to an Associated Press-Petside.com poll released Wednesday. Eighteen percent of pet-owning married men said their pets are better listeners than their wives.

Again: You should not be married if this is true. Or, if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, as is normal from time to time, you should find some friends. Human friends.

Christina Holmdahl, 40, talks all the time to her cat, two dogs or three horses — about her husband, naturally.

"Whoever happens to be with me when I'm rambling," said Holmdahl, who's stationed with her husband at Fort Stewart in Georgia. "A lot of times, I'm just venting about work or complaining about the husband."

She thinks everyone should have a pet to talk to like her horse, Whistle, who's been with her since she was 19.

"We all say things we don't mean when we are upset about stuff," she said. "When we have time to talk it out and rationalize it, we can think about it better and we can calm down and see both sides better."

She admits to “rambling” which makes her a crazy person. Also, Whistle hates you, it's a fact. Next.

It would be a toss-up whether Bill Rothschild would take a problem to his wife of 19 years or the animal he considers a pet — a palm-sized crayfish named Cray Aiken. His daughter brought it home four years ago at the end of a second grade science project.

Bill, a crayfish named Cray Aiken makes you a giant fucking idiot. But let’s hear more:

Rothschild, 44, of Granite Springs, N.Y., considers Cray a better listener than his wife, "absolutely. She doesn't listen worth anything." He doesn't get much feedback from the crustacean, but it's been a different story over the years with family dogs and cats.

"You definitely feel much more comfortable sharing your problems with them," he said. "A little lick from a big dog can go a long way."

I will spell it out because it needs to be said: If you prefer the company of a crayfish to the company of your wife: Get a divorce, fuckbag. GET A DIVORCE.

Overall, about one in 10 pet owners said they would talk their troubles over with their pets.

The AP-Petside.com poll also found that most people believe their pets are stable and seldom struggle with depression. Just 5 percent of all pet owners said they had taken an animal to a veterinarian or pet psychologist because it seemed down in the dumps. Even fewer said they'd ever given antidepressants to a pet.

WHAT THE FUCK!!??

But they weren't opposed to the idea: 18 percent of those polled said they were at least somewhat likely to take a pet to a vet or pet psychologist if it was dejected.

WHAT THE FUCK? First-world problems, people.

Ron Farber, 55, of Hoxie, Kan., said it's easier to talk to his dog Buddy than his wife because "the dog doesn't have an opinion."

"I think better out loud. He doesn't care what you say or do. He looks at you, pays attention, you walk through the problem in your mind and eventually, the answer comes. It's not as easy when other people are offering opinions," he said.

Ron, doesn’t like his wife because she “[has] an opinion.” Nothing bothers me more than when I’m talking to someone about my problems and they have an opinion. Ron, GET A DIVORCE.

Is this what marriage does to people? People tell me there are things I "won't understand until I'm married." Is this one of those things? Thanks, I'll pass. I'm trying not to become a giant fucking moron whose best friend is a crayfish.