Real Housewives of New Jersey: If Mary Knew This Is What Christmas Would Have Turned Into I’m Sure She Would Have Turned Down the Immaculate Conception

Christmas in New Jersey is a theme that I would like to find a way to apply to every aspect of my life. If it’s not dipped in gold, made out of ice, or burning my retinas then I don’t want any part of it. This week Christmas continues and we get to see Tre-bagger and Barney and Melissa, the baby Jesus (kisses to the sky), and Doozer decorate their respective homes for the holidays. Over at Tre and Barney’s the little hellions elves are busy putting up the tree (not bagger) and literally slapping each other in the facia bruta. Now I want to know where mini Sam Kinison learned to hit. I mean, had she flipped over the decoration table that would have made sense, but slapping at the little one makes me feel like she spent way too much time UNATTENDED! The little snippet of pure gold (dipped in more gold) for me was when Tre informed us that when Joe had to spend 10 days in the slammer she told the girls that “daddy went fishing.” Yeah, for a butt plug. Joe would be tossed around the jail house like Melissa in “da club” on Cancun Spring Break circa 1997. Fabulous! Anybraidedvacationhair, Tre is telling Barney how she finally knows what it’s like to be “Brad and Angelina” because of all the press that’s written about them. I’m assuming she’s referring to Angelina Trash Bags from Jersey Shore and Brad “the dude who punched Snooki” because if she’s referring to “Jolie-Pitt” then I’m pretty sure her hairline has gone so far down her face that it’s going into her eyes and tickling the part of her brain that “thinks logically.”

Meanwhile over at the Gorga compound (and the possible place of the actual birth of the baby Jesus) complete chaos is taking place even though they have hired an actual tree decorator. A tree decorator in the Guidice house is also known as Tre’s stylist. Hey-oh! All of their kids seemed frightened because Doozer is basically falling out of the tree whilst trying to put it together. He’s so little I’m sure they first thought he was the angel on top and/or a hairy(er) version of the Tooth Fairy. Melissa wants everything to be absolutely perfect because, as she says, it’s her party and they’re celebrating Jesus’ birthday and she can just “feel it.” Look, I think it’s totally great that she has such a close personal relationship with Jesus. It makes me jealous that I am dead inside. However, I believe in a Jesus that has a sense of humor and you definitely know He’s looking down on her, giving her the side-eye, but totally only half paying attention because he’s kinda digging “On Display” and is also trying to figure out what the title of a “Countess” really means and what it can and cannot get you. Eh, Chic C’est La Vie.

However, through all this terrible decorating of fake trees we get to witness a “flashback”, like it’s an episode of Who’s the Boss when no one really felt like writing a new episode, to the Christening fight scene where Melissa’s sister is claiming that Joe Guidice’s mother punched her in the face. Seriously, what? And this is just reason #45,754 why I feel like we should only have an entire season of the Christening. Clearly, all these hidden gems could last us 12 episodes. Joe’s mother is like “Mama” from “Throw Mama from the Train” and I love everything about that.

Other things take place is this episode like Ashely’s birthday! Hooray. I’m kidding. It was terrible. She’s pissed that her real dad has the flu and couldn’t fly in from Texas to be with her and instead she’s stuck with the “stepdad” who buys here a car and raised her from the time she was like 28 minutes old. Her “dinner party” takes place in what I can only assume is Mr. Miagi’s backyard. I kept pausing it to see if I could find the yellow car that he gave Danielson somewhere in the background. But, nope, that wasn’t there and neither was Lucille. Anywhere. Ashley spent her entire dinner on her phone researching nose-job doctors (my guess) and appearing miserable. To make things worse the Brothers Manzo were there as was the Level III who is now a regular. I’m shocked that, legally, he didn’t have to introduce himself to everyone at the table. Georgia Rule! I don’t know what that meant, but sometimes the movie title “Georgia Rule!” just plays in a loop in my rotted brain. Happy birthday Ashley. Me gusta la ventana.

It’s back to party planning and Melissa and Doozer (who I’m sadly starting to like…I know) are going to be shelling out $50,000 on this Christmas party. They’re going to have food servers, carolers, ice sculptures (including one of themselves…no joke), and endless desserts. So basically it’s the same exact thing as the Christening, but this time they’re adding a casino into the mix…just like it’s mentioned in the Bible. Remember that part in the Bible where Matthew says, “And ye gave birth in a manger laid with hay and then ye celebrated by putting their donkey on Red 9 at the Roulette table in the other section of ye old barn.” I add “ye” to my Bible jokes because it makes it much more authentic. Also, Jesus hates Melissa. He told me.

Speaking of spending a ton of money decorating their house…you know who didn’t? Kat. Yeah, she put up some sh*t bum tree with a cat as the tree topper with feathers sticking out of its face. And the tree was so skinny and pointy that it basically looked like the cats erection. I have no idea. Do cats have penises? They must or what else would they shake at passersby during drunken Flag Day parties? Cat penises. It’s come to cat penises, ladies and gentlemen. Speaking of “ladies and gentlemen,” Ladies and gentlemen this is the Countess speaking. We have arrived.

Since Caroline’s house is already decorated for Christmas with Santa Claus dolls sporting half missing plastic faces she decides to take her husband to the jewelry store to basically buy “Buddy Bands” for her kids since Lauren is on suicide watch since she can’t live with her brother and the Level III in Hoboken. I mean, she needs to relax. First off, “her brothers.” Second of all “the Level III.” And third of all “Hoboken.” You should not want any one of those things. Since Caroline and her husband are so happy with the Buddy Bands that this jeweler designed they’re all going to buy one and at $4800 a Buddy Band I’m almost certain their grand total is $93,430,049. My abacus is rusted shut so I’m unable to add and/or process your request at this time. Let’s just say they’re spending a lot to keep Lauren off the ledge. If those Buddy Bands can actually be used as Lap Bands I’m guessing half the family would get more use out of them. Annnnd, I went there. I’m such a jerk…even on Christmas. Geesh.

Let’s just move things along and get to the actual Christmas party. Barney doesn’t want to go to it and after Tre-bagger spent 35 hours getting her hair and makeup done he’s still moping on the couch. Speaking of the couch, is that puffy suede and leather combo? Don’t say I didn’t call it during 16 & Pregnant. I’m never wrong, especially about couches. Meanwhile, “Fabulous Fred” is running around the Gorga house trying to get everything finished up until the very last minute. The entire thing is a gaudy nightmare come true. My personal favorite touch was the casino money with Joe and Melissa’s face on it. Something tells me Barney is going to pocketing a few fistfuls of those and swapping out the actual money from Gia’s (z-snap) piggy bank when he gets home. You’s sons-a-b*tches!

Since the party is about “Jesus’ birthday” Melissa decided to wear an all white dress that showed her thong through it. Her class-act sister is trying to convince her that she doesn’t need underwear because it’s a party. She’s my kind of girl! I mean, the amount of pregnancy scares this chick must have had growing up must have been countless. Allegedly. Rumor. Made up. Moving on. Is it just me or when all these people get together they’re all in the bag by the time filming starts? Doozer ends up telling Kat that she looks like a slut, but he really meant it as a term of endearment. Kat did look good, especially for those of you who are into what Gonzo would look like in drag, with breasts, and sporting a faux-hawk. I’m kidding. I actually like Kat. I do. I always tease the ones I love the most.

The highlight, for me, in this entire episode was when Barney told Teresa what he would do at the party if anyone started with him and then he demonstrated by performing a roundhouse kick on a punching bag in his garage. I mean, the amount of “split moves” this little tyke can do on the regular is endless. Who knew?! He must have been the Prom Queen every night in jail! Ole! The 2nd runner up for highlight of the episode was Kat’s sister Rosie. Brilliant. More of her and more of her now! She can replace Caroline. This is something I would be fine with. 3rd runner up for highlight of the episode was when, behind closed doors, Kat’s husband said he would burn the entire house down. Not Fabulous!

Everyone is having fun at the party, gambling at the casino that’s in the “liberry” and the like. Teresa and Joe show up almost 2 hours late and within minutes Kat is cornering Tre in the kitchen to tell her it’s great to see her. Here’s the thing, I’m sure people think Tre is being a big C for not being all warm and nice to Kat since that’s her cousin, but I think Tre is (surprisingly) smart enough to realize that “her cousin” only seems to reach out to her and say these “nice things” when the cameras are on. Apparently, she never even called when Joe was becoming a woman in prison. You could actually tell that Teresa was trying to think before she spoke when dealing with Kat. So, bravo, to her for that. That is, more than likely, the reason why the kitchen smelled like burnt toast during that scene. Later, Melissa’s sister’s husband, who may or may not have been three sheets to the wind, calls out Barney and tells him that he owes him $1,000. I actually feel bad for them. They can’t go anywhere without someone trying to collect money. I wonder how much they can sell Milania for on the black market? Toss in Gabriella and I bet they’ll get to keep that house! Just think about it.

In the end, Kim G shows up to the party and brings the lawyer, Monica, who is suing Joe and Tre because, you know, that makes sense. Who wasn’t invited to this part? I’m actually a little insulted I wasn’t. I mean I could have been live blogging it in the corner or, perhaps, under the tree. Or, perhaps under Tre. Sky is the limit when I blog. To my surprise, both Melissa and Doozer pull Kim G aside and let her know that her friend, Monica, has to leave the party because Teresa is uncomfortable. Speaking of uncomfortable, I’m a little uncomfortable with Teresa having two-toned lipstick on during the party. It looks like her mustache is bleeding and that concerns me. After Melissa nicely tells Monica (25 times) that she has to leave, she finally does. She should have given her a wig and a unitard and told her that she can be her backup dancer when Melissa performs “On Display” under the mistletoe at midnight. Most people think that Kim G is a sh*t stirer, but thank God she is because if she wasn’t we’d be watching 10 extra minutes of Ashley’s dinner birthday party in the dojo.

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