Intemperance & Business Trouble; Hereditary Predisposition; Immoral Life; Laziness; Jealousy & Religion; Mental Excitement; Novel Reading; Over Action of the Mind; Over Study of Religion; Over Taxing of Mental Powers; Periodical Fits; Political Excitement; Bad Company; Bad Habits & Political Excitement; Bad Whiskey; Brain Fever; Dissolute Habits; Domestic Affliction; Domestic Trouble; Egotism, Exposure & Quackery; Fever and Jealousy; Vicious Vices; Women Trouble; Grief, Seduction & Disappointment; Sexual Derangement ...and those aren't just band names.If those reasons for locking people up in mental institutions were still legal — almost typed "lethal" — today, I'd have my own wing at Bryce. And those are just the ones I'll admit to.OK, some might just be band names I've been pondering. Women Trouble would probably draw, on a marquee, several different crowds, all of them sad and confused. Maybe on a double bill with Grief, Seduction & Disappointment. That would require a horn section.But yes, those struggles, difficulties — or just plain habits — along with another few dozen, are among those listed as reasons for being called on by the 19th-century Men in White (coats) working for West Virginia's Hospital for the Insane, also known as the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, yet another band name waiting to happen.At least those excuses were utilized from 1864-1889 at the Trans-Allegheny, according to a meme zooming around social media. And if you can't trust a semi-competent-appearing website ... well, you might just be blinking down the shotgun of Egotism, Exposure & Quackery.Unlike Bryce Hospital, which when it opened in 1861 as the Alabama State Hospital for the Insane was considered one of the most forward-thinking and progressive of its kind, the Trans-Allegheny sounds as if it were just buggy for women and their, you know, female complaints.Among the afflictions that would get you slammed in next to Sarah Connor: Ill Treatment By Husband. Imaginary Female Trouble. Hysteria (not my sexism; the origin of the word is from the Greek for "uterus," and it was commonly used in the 19th century to refer to women folk when they got, you know, out of hand). Menstrual Deranged. Uterine Derangement. Suppression of Menses. Time of Life. Fits and Desertion of Husband. And something called, I kid you not: Female Disease.No wonder divorce rates were low. Why amble through the courts when you could simply sneer over at a no-longer-desired spouse, send a telegram or smoke signal or whatever over to the old Trans-Allegheny, and let it come slam her up for being Female and Diseased because of it?Speaking of wacky, the Trans-Allegheny also really had it in for self-love: Deranged Masturbation. Masturbation & Syphilis. Masturbation for 30 Years. Tobacco & Masturbation.But you can't win: Suppressed Masturbation was also a nyet-nyet.And as we're boggling, let's boggle over Excessive Sexual Abuse. So just the right dose of sexual abuse, A-OK. But don't tiptoe over that line, buddy.And what in the wide, wide world o' sports is Excitement As Officer? Or Rumor of Husband Murder? Or Gathering In the Head?Ah yes, the good old days, when folks of the wrong skin color were property and women were ticking time bombs of head-gatherings, smoking and touching and other derangements, no doubt stemming from advanced novel reading.What with our thankfully more forward-thinking forms of medical care, including successful treatments for conditions once thought incurable — or lock-up-able — and better understanding of how to prevent illnesses in many forms, Bryce Hospital is shrinking its footprint of buildings and resources dedicated to the mentally ill, and ceding ground to the University of Alabama for various arts and other fields — the UA Opera Theatre has already opened in its new home, and the Department of Theatre and Dance will have big news soon — so one way or another, there may still be Gathering In the Head.Bad taste is treatable, right?