Numbing Myself

These past few days, I’m not feeling good about myself, my ministry, and my relationship with other people. Okay, medyo lumang tugtugin n ‘to to those who really know me by heart. Relationships are my problem from the very start. I don’t know why. But I know that a lot of times, I’m insecured with the kind of relationship I have with the people around me. Especially with this one special super friend* (if you’re reading this, you should be proud that someone considers you a true friend, even if you don’t consider him as one) of mine who I’ve known for almost four years now. We’ve been through a lot sabi nga nya. That’a true! We learned a lot of things about each other ever since the time na nagkakilala kami. Now, I don’t know what’s happening with our relationship. Hindi ko n talaga alam gagawin ko. I don’t know if he still cares/thinks about me. We had a lot of fun times together. Marami ring sad. And I also spent a lot of intimate times with him. I feel like I gave everything just to make him feel that I trust him so much and that I also want him to trust me. But I think he finds it hard to trust me. I’ll never forget the first time we had a quarrel which affected a lot of people around us. It was when he never told me anything that he’s having a relationship with a girl who happened to be a member of our group. Haaaay….. ‘Di ko p rin talaga ma-let go yung mga nangyari nun. Ewan ko ba…. I think the reason for all of these is the bitterness that I feel whenever I see him happy and satisfied with the people around him except me. Yeah I know, I know this is wrong. It wouldn’t be even called a friendship in the first place because you’re not helping each other to grow together. Well maybe, I don’t have the right to say these things since he never considered me as a friend. Ako lang yung nag-assume. At sa tingin ko, ayun ang mali sa akin. Mahilig akong mag-expect kaya madalas, nadidis-appoint ako. I realized na nakakalungkot pala ‘pag mag-isa ka lang, wala kang kausap. I’ve experienced it a lot of times and the feeling sucks. Right now, I’m trying ot numb myself of the pain that resulted from my loneliness and being alone. I hope that it would work, but I think I will have a hard time numbing myself. I can’t deny the fact that I’m still relational person and I can’t live without relating/talking to people.