Monday, February 11, 2008

Matt Hamrick, RIP

So.. this is just a quick note to let people know... I'm (finally) getting around to changing genders. To reflect this, I'm ditching the male name, Matt, and adopting the female name Meadhbh (pronounced "Maeve".) Some might recall I went through a lot of "problems" with this in the late 80's. After years of being a guy, I just can't shake the feeling that something went horribly, horribly wrong in-utero.

So... over the next several of months, I'll be transitioning from an "apparently guy" kind of person to an 'apparently girl" kind of person (with probably stops at a "uhh... what gender are you again?" kind of person.)

If anyone's interested, I'm starting to update my "transition blog" at http://sleepymeadhbh.blogspot.com/ again after a brief hiatus. If you've ever had any questions about the "trans-gender experience" please feel free to ask them via email. A lot of trans-folk hide during transition and enter "deep stealth" afterwards... completely separating their pre-transition and post-transition worlds. An increasing number of us are transitioning in plain sight, and I'm trying to make this as much of a non-event as possible to those around me.

I'm a raging straight (bi-curious) woman trapped in a man's body. But... since you brought it up... "Trans" and "Gay" aren't the same thing. Sure... they can be related... but "gender identity" is more about how you perceive yourself and how you wish other people to perceive you. "Sexual orientation" is more about who you want to have sex with. Complicating matters further... I'm not interested in sex as a man (as either a straight male in a heterosexual relationship ora male bottom in a gay relationship.) But I'm all over that "sex as a woman" thing. Unfortunately there are a series of expensive and mildly painful surgeries before I have the right parts for good sex.

3. So you're a horny cross-dressing sex kitten, right?

again... no.

Though "cross dressing" falls under the "transgender" topic heading, it's more appropriate to say I'm a "pre-operative transsexual." (sure... you have my permission to insert your favorite line from the Rocky Horror Picture Show here... I know you're doing it anyway.) While I'm not a professional gender therapist, my take on the difference between "cross dressing" and "transsexuality" is again about identity and duration. What I understand about cross-dressers is they still identify as their heteronormative gender, and only temporarily dress in clothes typical for "the other sex." (yes... there are women who cross-dress as men.)

Me? I don't identify as a man, I've always wondered why people call me "Sir" and "he" and "hey buddy." I identify as a woman (and apparently the barristas at the local Starbux do as well...) So dressing in women's clothes is, for me, not about being a horny cross-dresser, but about creating a feminine gender portrayal to help people properly identify my gender. In other words, I'm a bit of a big-shouldered, flat-chested chic, so I'm happy to do anything I can do to help people understand that I would prefer to be considered female.

Besides... you have a lot more options when accessorizing women's fashions.

And... I can positively guarantee you that with the hormonal replacement therapy I'm on.. I couldn't see my male libido with a telescope on a clear night.

4. You're joking, right? The world doesn't need another ugly broad...

grrrr...

oh... how insensitive of me... all this time I didn't realize that my only role on this planet was to validate your sense of aesthetics.

oh.. and... bite me! you insensitive clod!

5. How's the family taking it?

Luckily, my 6 year old is adjusting quite well to having a female daddy.

Other than to say it's been stressful on Judy, I don't really know what she would want me to say... Those of you who know Judy may want to drop her a line if you're interested on her take.

And my relatives have been pretty supportive. One or two are a bit puzzled, of course; but supportive.

6. Are you going to get your penis cut off?

Well... from my perspective, I wasn't born with a penis, I was born with a urological and hormonal problem.

But... the current plan is to undergo Facial Feminization Surgery and Sexual Reassignment Surgery, though I prefer the term "Gender Confirmation Surgery."

However... you never know... things might change. One of the issues I have with the movie Transamerica is that the lead-character, Bree (Brie?) says something to the effect... "after my surgery, I will be a complete woman." This kinda struck me as odd... I've talked this over with a number of other transwomen and we kind of agree... it's the stuff between our earlobes that made us women, not the configuration of our genitals. (But don't get me wrong... I thought Transamerica was a great movie, in general.)

While my current objective is to get a "high maintenance vagina" sometime in the next three years, there are a number of things that could change this plan. I'm not exactly swimming in cash, and the last thing you want to skimp on is surgery on your nether-region. It occasionally happens that people can't get surgeries for generic health reasons, but so far, aside from being a little sleep-deprived, I'm doing okay health-wise.

7. Can I see it afterwards?

no... actually... fuck no.

8. What's with the hormones?

I'm currently taking Spironolactone to reduce the level of bioavailable testosterone in my bloodstream, and enough transdermal estradiol (estrogen) to stun an ox.

Physically I'm losing belly-fat and getting a bit more padding in the back (baby don't exactly got back, but there's definitely more back there than there was a couple months ago.) My skin has cleared up. My hair is getting a bit finer. And I'm growing "breast-lets."

When did I not wear dresses? If you know me, you know I've been wearing women's clothes for a while. Now I just do it more often and in more public places.

However... you might have noticed that many women today will occasionally wear things like jeans and t-shirts. Like anyone else, I value comfort.

10. How do you wish to be addressed?

I prefer to be called Meadhbh (or "Maeve" for those of you who haven't been trying to learn Irish for the last couple years.) Most folk now call me "May." I prefer to be referred to as "She."

But... yeah... I understand.. this sometimes takes a little getting used to. If you refer to me as "He," I can cope. Do it too many times and you'll be off my Xmas card list, but I have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

11. Aren't you worried you're going to go to hell?

I converted to Swedenborgianism a while back (gee... those pamphlets at Blair Haven actually worked on someone...)

I more or less believe we make our own heaven or hell on earth. Living a lie day after day is hellish. I'm happy to put that behind me.