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This Spring, Spring of 2015, marks a decade that I’ve been fully recovered from four years of anorexia nervosa, clinical depression, and suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

I remember attempting suicide at the age of 13. I remember everything about that day. I remember being sixteen and honestly afraid deep down in my gut that I’d have anorexia for the rest of my life and never find happiness or healthiness. I remember being under ninety lbs. but I also remember how I viewed myself in the mirror then, and it was not as a 90 lb. young female.

My depression was so extreme it was hard to get out of bed. I missed so many days of school in high school because I was unable to drag myself out of bed. Music was the only release I found. I was happiest alone, shut up in my room.

I found recovery by my senior year of high school, or by the end of it at least. During the Spring time. Right before graduation.

I’d had a moment sometime late in 2004 in the middle of an afternoon. I can’t remember the day of the week, or the month, or any thing else about that day. But I remember just deciding that I was done. That I was finished. I decided that I no longer wanted to feel depressed and that I no longer wanted to hate myself. I had this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me that if I couldn’t convince myself to truly seek recovery right this instant there was a possibility I’d never seek it. I was scared out of my mind that I’d never have a moment like this again, a moment where I actually felt like I could just choose to get better, and find healthiness.

I’m happy to say that healthiness stuck. My early twenties were a rough and awkward time and I got into a physically and verbally abusive relationship. I did not relapse however, and in my mid-twenties I got away from that relationship and went to massage school.

I have since then found happiness. There are days it’s hard to believe I ever felt so low for days on end, weeks on end, and years on end.

I don’t know how a full decade has passed so quickly, but it has. I can’t say that I don’t ever feel fat, or have a moment where I worry about calories. There are weeks throughout a year when it seems like depression almost has me in its grasp again.

But I’ve been able to stay afloat, and to keep my old demons at bay.

I know it’s a different story for everyone. And that it’s not always just as simple as having a moment and deciding to no longer be unhappy.

My own adventure taught that there wasn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. A decade of recovery has taught me that there never existed a tunnel in the first place.

This week is off to an incredible start. My Monday started with a ninety minute deep tissue massage from a talented male coworker of mine, and it was great. He rolled my skin, he worked slow, he gave me pressure, and he constantly checked in. We talked about techniques and how shaky it is to be a massage therapist for the first year or so. Him, and several new therapists around the clinic make me feel so experienced and knowledgeable in the field, when I am anything but. But, I am no longer a newbie, and I was quite shaky when I first started, so the acknowledgement and praise feels really nice.

Then our wedding photographer messaged me and offered us a complimentary engagement shoot next month! We already had one done this Fall, in sweaters and Fall clothing, so this is really exciting! We can wear Spring clothes and Spring colors, and have it be completely different!

We’ve also recently started to consider Hawaii as a honeymoon destination. Neither of us have ever been and it would be exactly what we’re looking for in a honeymoon! The fact that this is even a possibility for us is exciting on so many levels.

Then last night while we were home and settling in to watch The Fosters (cute LGBT show!) we got two emails from Rainbow Families D.C. with the class roster and schedule. We are officially in, and the Maybe Baby classes start in five days!

I went to hot yoga before work this morning for the third time in a week, and so I am feeling quite rinsed, and strong, and able. I love the weeks where I make several yoga classes. I feel calm, centered, and powerful in a way. Like I’m able to accomplish things and make good decisions and allow good things into my life.

The schedule was slow at work today and the weather was gorgeous for the first time this year, so I bought a frappuccino and a new book! We just watched Divergent for the fist time last weekend, and since Insurgent is coming out this weekend I decided to finally take the plunge.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and Alana is on her way home with beer. I decided to stop and get some cupcakes for us.

My week has been filled with massage, friends, the excitement of Maybe Baby classes, the possibility of a Hawaii honeymoon, free second engagement shoots, cupcakes, and beer. Can’t complain at all.

I spent all morning and afternoon with my very best friend and my Goddaughter. She’s one now, and she’s just adorable and perfect. I gave my best friend a massage for the first time and she loved it!

In an hour my friend James will be coming over to hang out for the night.

Last weekend we went out with our friends Nick and Kris. We ate amazing tacos and trumped around D.C., ending up in a hookah bar, than a coffee shop, than a swanky bar. We were all pretty tipsy and excited for our upcoming Maybe Baby classes.

I hung out with Elliot a few weeks ago. I gave him a massage, and then he treated me to Thai food and a bunch of treats from the Thai market!

The first weekend of this month we took a trip south and hung out with Alana’s family to celebrate her nephew turning one.

I, and we, have many more plans later this month as well as Maybe Baby classes starting! We are meeting our potential wedding DJ when he flys in Palm Sunday. We’ve gotta start looking at wedding invitations and we also need to decide on a dress for our flower girls!

I’ve finally started to head out into the world and take on private clients in conjunction with my full time position at a spa. The additional income is greatly welcomed, and exciting. So is the added confidence to my trade and my own abilities.

So much is happening all the time. But it’s a good happening. My life feels full, and gratifying, and busy, but a good busy.

I remember a few years ago when I use to feel like I didn’t have any friends. Starting yoga has reconnected me to both myself and the people in my life.

I only hope that this year can continue with his amazing level of good busy, but I know as the wedding draws nearer the chances of that greatly lesson.

So I’ll hold onto this time, and my love, and my friends, because with them life is a treasure. I’m enjoying it, I’m making it, and I love myself and what the world has to offer.

I’m happy to say that the registration email from Rainbow Families D.C. came in a few weeks ago, and that Alana and I are all registered and signed up for their Spring 2015 Maybe Baby program!! The very first class is a week from tomorrow!

Here’s a screenshot of the entire program:

I’m happy to say that these classes provide information on all the topics of same-sex parent family planning that I’d like information on! It makes me happy that they’re covering both fertility options and adoption options. It makes me really happy that transracial and transcultural adoption is a separate class from domestic adoption!

They also cover legal issues which is just lovely, as well as a class to help you find out if you’re really ready to become a parent. We’re both so excited to meet other lesbian couples who are looking to start their own family!

As I’ve mentioned many times on this blog we have many friends starting their own families…but these are all friends in heterosexual marriages! We don’t have anyone who we can talk to personally. We’ve taken to watching YouTube channels of lesbian couples documenting their own process and the steps that they’ve taken.

We didn’t even know this program or this organization existed until a few months ago, so it’s so exciting to be registered. It’s very exciting to be getting all this information before we actually get married!.

6..5 months to go until the wedding! One week and one day until our first Maybe Baby class!

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” -Gandalf the Grey, written by J.R.R. Tolkien.

I spend my given time loving this woman, laughing with her, and taking silly pictures with her.
I spend it mountain climbing with friends, and taking yoga classes with other friends.
I spend it massaging the backs and the bodies of many, many people full time every week.
I spend it with my family, with my blog, daydreaming, planning, taking headstands, finding new music, and observing.

If this is the life that I’m to lead, than I’m more than okay living it.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been rock climbing before, and if I have I was around age five or six when I went. I went today with my friend Winnie who had invited me some time ago. I’m so happy that I finally took her up on the offer tonight, because it was a blast and a half, and I feel so invigorated even hours afterwards.

I made it all the way to the top on the rope wall my first time up, and it made me feel incredible! It was terrifying, and challenging, and I almost stopped when I was close to the top. But Winnie’s friend, who goes climbing often, encouraged me not to give up. Fighting past the fear and continuing up was such a journey, and I’m glad I took it!

We started off with bouldering, which is rock climbing without a rope or a harness. I honestly didn’t enjoy it as much as climbing with a rope, but I made it to the top on three different courses, and enjoyed the fearful processes.

Here’s more pictures of my climbing adventures. I had such a great time, and I hope to go again soon and bring my fiancé with me!

I was so blissed out when I reached the bottom and saw how far my body had allowed me to climb.