Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Should I go dot net?

I had been toying with this whimsical thought for several weeks. Usually, when I want to do something, I will voice it out to someone and garner my courage from that person. It can be anyone, my kids' doc (not Dr Liew la), my priest, online friends, trusted friends and a handful of others. Depending on what I am going to do, I will only ask ONE particular person that I respect. Say I am to embark on doing something related to health (like my ICU book), I will talk it out with Doc. C. And I will reveal some crazy ideas with my church priest, Father S and see his expression and hear his advices. Or if I am doing something womanly, I will find some girlfriends for approval. These people are sort of like my cushion, 'thai sek gwei' (kambing korban in case things did not go right) or to put it nicely, my mentor.

So, I had been hearing it from someone I trusted (ahem, I hope the person did not fall off his chair) whether I should treat myself to a .net domain. After all, I had been slogging with so many things. I think I deserve it 'cos I would like to keep it as a legacy for my kids. Sort of like Pok Ku, blogging it for his daughters. Through my own endurance, I had learnt so many things (like web-building and such) that other kids (cheh... kids, hear that?) cannot learn even after their mama and papa spend thousands of Ringgit on their college education.

I can write (eventhough I baru SPM qualified). My writings are fresh (words came from an editor, ok?). I had led a rather bumpy life and therefore, got plenty of tales to share. I may get Alzhemeir one day and forgot what I want to say. I have plenty of time to rot in front of the PC. I am almost a recluse for next few years due to my commitments to bring up my kids with my bare hands. If I don't find an outlet to get connected to the world, I will go cuckoo. I am a lousy housewife who cannot keep a neat home so I have to compensate elsewhere, like building an online community like my parenting forum.

Back to my intention, I asked the person if I should DO IT.
He said, DO IT NOW.
I ask, I got enuff liew meh? (meaning : I got enough ingredients to start it?)
He said, Go ahead.
I said, shy la, people think I vain.
He said, you memang vain so what's stopping you?
I said, It doesn't seem right for me to do something for myself. I have been always doing things for others. Afterwards, people think that all those things that I had done are merely to self-promote myself through this self-domain.
He said, you worry too much.

So, here I am saying it LOUD for all to hear that I am itchy to buy myself a domain. I had already started so many things from scratch. Committing my time to each of them. Remembering almost every one of the people I know in the parenting forum, their kids name, their age, how long they breastfeed. And I remember every one of my bereaved parents, their kids death anniversaries, what the deceased child liked when they were around, etc etc. I worry about all the ill children, how they are getting on, what they are going to need etc. (I have 3 groups, parenting/breastfeeding, bereaved parents and critically ill/special needs children). As for my Vincent's website, a closure is almost there. I have nothing more to expand.

I truly, truly feel that having a website of my own, with my own name will be a reward of sorts to me. Because another thing is - I hate it when people see me as too saintly. I am smart, clever, Ms. Know-it-all about parenting/breastfeeding. I am caring/sincere in my bereavement group. I am concern/helpful in my critically ill children group. When you have that kind of expectations from people, you can feel the burden. I feel rotten sometimes when I know people only see the perfect side of me. Urggh....I cannot live with being too nice, too good.

That's why I am enjoying every bit of this blog because I can reveal some of the crazier side of me, the imperfect, unorganised, cruel side of me. I feel good being seen as a bad person. I enjoy throwing a few bad words here and there. Cursing someone. I feel relieved when I got lectured by my fellow blogger. Because I know I am normal, sane and real.

So, world! Should I go dot net? Aha, I have another problem 'cos my ATM said 'paying for all the other websites is fine because you are doing it for other people'. But my ATM said paying for my own (eventhough our weekly grocery shopping is more than my yearly webhosting fee), is 'something wrong with you'. How am I going to sneak/snake behind him like dat? It doesn't seem right, ya? BTW, my ATM is not very sure of what blog is. *muahahahaha* Anyone got any idea how I am going to squeeze through a payment without his knowledge? Should I stand by the roadside, wearing a huge card 'Donate to lilianchan.net'? But then, now is not the right time 'cos everyone's money had been given to tsumoney.