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Topic: Need Spine Polish for upcoming visit (Read 21154 times)

I can understand your frustration with SIL using your events as a chance to catch up with her friend. But SIL is not a mindreader. GF has apparently been coming to these events for a long time now with no word that she was unwelcome. If you don't want SIL to invite her, you have to say so. If SIL keeps inviting her after that, THEN you can be mad. For now, it sounds like a simple situation of SIL thinking GF is "part of the family" and welcome at the events.

I think invitations are a good idea if you don't feel comfortable with telling SIL don't invite your friend. When talking to SIL mention you are doing the dinner invite only. If friend still turns up, just tell her you are in the middle of a family function and you'll tell SIL to give her a call. Then close the door and walk away

sil, the Easter get together will be for family only. Do not ask gf over to my house.If she shows up at your door anyway  this get together is for family only, sil should have told you. you will have to leave now and visit with sil another time.Practice saying both of these in the mirror. I have a feeling you may need to say both things. Unemotionally, just the facts.

Call her about some other premise - check on when she's getting into town, or just to chat, or whatever. Then drop in something like:

"Hey SIL, I also wanted to make sure you knew that if you want to make time to see GF this visit, to please arrange that ahead of time. My Easter get-together is one of the few times I get to see you and the last several times GF has shown up at my gatherings, it felt kind of awkward. She doesn't know me or DH or the kids so she spends all her time with you, which I know you look forward to, but it also means I and the family don't get to spend that time with you. I'd really like to get to actually talk to you this year without having to be a hostess for someone I don't really know."

I think the easiest most effective method would be to tell SIL ahead of time on the phone. I think an invitation would be too subtle for SIL. Since saying something over the phone is scary to the OP, turning either of them away at the door isn't really likely to happen.

The part that would really annoy me would be SIL basically using me as a free restaurant to visit with her friend. It sounds like SIL is physically there, but really more interested in spending time with the friend.

I agree to call SIL ahead of time and tell her not to invite GF to the Easter event. I think you will need to be very direct with her so that she doesn't think it is her choice whether to invite GF or not. "SIL, we are looking forward to seeing you at Easter. I do want to let you know that we want to keep this party family only, so do not invite GF to the party. If you want to see her, you will have to make other arrangements. Now, when will you be getting into town?"

OP, maybe you can borrow my dad. When I was growing up, if people dropped in, unannounced and uninvited, at a meal time, he would politely chat for a bit, then rise, go towards the door and tell them "it was nice of you to drop by, but it is the families dinner time. Call me, and we can make plans to get together soon." Polite, but let them know how my dad felt about unannounced 'guests'.

I agree to call SIL ahead of time and tell her not to invite GF to the Easter event. I think you will need to be very direct with her so that she doesn't think it is her choice whether to invite GF or not. "SIL, we are looking forward to seeing you at Easter. I do want to let you know that we want to keep this party family only, so do not invite GF to the party. If you want to see her, you will have to make other arrangements. Now, when will you be getting into town?"

I think the easiest most effective method would be to tell SIL ahead of time on the phone. I think an invitation would be too subtle for SIL. Since saying something over the phone is scary to the OP, turning either of them away at the door isn't really likely to happen.

The part that would really annoy me would be SIL basically using me as a free restaurant to visit with her friend. It sounds like SIL is physically there, but really more interested in spending time with the friend.

^^sad right?

I have a hard time being direct, and standing up for myself. As a kid I became fluent in passive aggressive so that I could vent frustration without being overt enough to get the stuffing beaten out of me.

I did end up calling SIL this morning. I started by saying that we're looking forward to their visit, and asked what her plans are during her visit (almost a week) and told her that I would love to get the kids together in addition to the Baby Blessing on Easter Sunday, but I know that she's always so busy. We chatted for a while, and I specifically asked her when is she going to get together with Good Friend and her kiddos. She didn't have plans yet, but was sure that she would find time. Then I took a deep breath and told SIL that I hope she gets a chance to visit with her friend, but that GF isn't invited to the house on Sunday. At first she was indignant and confused, like why was I even saying that, SIL would never invite GF to a Blessing luncheon, that's for Baby. I brought up the graduation party and she pointed out "that was at a park." So apparently SIL would never invite someone to an event with a GOH, but anything that happens at a park is open to the public. Shortly after that 'the dog was getting into the garbage can' so I had to go. I'm glad it's done, but now I'm stressing out worrying that either 1. MIL will call and tell me how sad SIL is; 2. MIL will call DH and tell him that I really upset SIL; or 3. SIL will call DH and ask why I hate her so much.

Logged

In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~Thomas Szasz

I think the easiest most effective method would be to tell SIL ahead of time on the phone. I think an invitation would be too subtle for SIL. Since saying something over the phone is scary to the OP, turning either of them away at the door isn't really likely to happen.

The part that would really annoy me would be SIL basically using me as a free restaurant to visit with her friend. It sounds like SIL is physically there, but really more interested in spending time with the friend.

^^sad right?

I have a hard time being direct, and standing up for myself. As a kid I became fluent in passive aggressive so that I could vent frustration without being overt enough to get the stuffing beaten out of me.

I did end up calling SIL this morning. I started by saying that we're looking forward to their visit, and asked what her plans are during her visit (almost a week) and told her that I would love to get the kids together in addition to the Baby Blessing on Easter Sunday, but I know that she's always so busy. We chatted for a while, and I specifically asked her when is she going to get together with Good Friend and her kiddos. She didn't have plans yet, but was sure that she would find time. Then I took a deep breath and told SIL that I hope she gets a chance to visit with her friend, but that GF isn't invited to the house on Sunday. At first she was indignant and confused, like why was I even saying that, SIL would never invite GF to a Blessing luncheon, that's for Baby. I brought up the graduation party and she pointed out "that was at a park." So apparently SIL would never invite someone to an event with a GOH, but anything that happens at a park is open to the public. Shortly after that 'the dog was getting into the garbage can' so I had to go. I'm glad it's done, but now I'm stressing out worrying that either 1. MIL will call and tell me how sad SIL is; 2. MIL will call DH and tell him that I really upset SIL; or 3. SIL will call DH and ask why I hate her so much.

So a graduation party doesn't have a GOH? What does she think the graduate is?

I'm glad it's done, but now I'm stressing out worrying that either 1. MIL will call and tell me how sad SIL is; 2. MIL will call DH and tell him that I really upset SIL; or 3. SIL will call DH and ask why I hate her so much.

Not your problem. Not your problem. Not your problem.

Actually I take that back. Please call your DH. Tell him you talked to SIL and it was hard but you did it (Go You!). Tell him you are a little shook up and you really need his help with this. Tell him that if your MIL or SIL call him you NEED him to totally and openly have your back on this and to let them know that a) He COMPLETELY supports your decision. b) He thinks it's reasonable. c) He is glad that you were clear about it before it became anyone got invited. (Basically let him protect you a bit and make it clear that you want that)

I'm glad it's done, but now I'm stressing out worrying that either 1. MIL will call and tell me how sad SIL is; 2. MIL will call DH and tell him that I really upset SIL; or 3. SIL will call DH and ask why I hate her so much.

Not your problem. Not your problem. Not your problem.

Actually I take that back. Please call your DH. Tell him you talked to SIL and it was hard but you did it (Go You!). Tell him you are a little shook up and you really need his help with this. Tell him that if your MIL or SIL call him you NEED him to totally and openly have your back on this and to let them know that a) He COMPLETELY supports your decision. b) He thinks it's reasonable. c) He is glad that you were clear about it before it became anyone got invited. (Basically let him protect you a bit and make it clear that you want that)

POD

He shouldn't have to be told but I would just to be sure he is clear on this.

I'm glad it's done, but now I'm stressing out worrying that either 1. MIL will call and tell me how sad SIL is; 2. MIL will call DH and tell him that I really upset SIL; or 3. SIL will call DH and ask why I hate her so much.

Not your problem. Not your problem. Not your problem.

Actually I take that back. Please call your DH. Tell him you talked to SIL and it was hard but you did it (Go You!). Tell him you are a little shook up and you really need his help with this. Tell him that if your MIL or SIL call him you NEED him to totally and openly have your back on this and to let them know that a) He COMPLETELY supports your decision.this is a decision that the two of you made together about inviting GF to family get togethersb) He thinks it's reasonable. c) He is glad that you were clear about it before it became anyoneGf or anyone else besides those on your invite listgot invited. (Basically let him protect you a bit and make it clear that you want that)

I agree with the above, but would make the changes in red. DH needs to make it clear to mil that this is a decision that the two of you made together. He needs to let her know that you are a united front. He also needs to tell MIL that he is sorry SIL is disappointed but she can make other arrangements to meet with GF and that you do not hate SIL and it is silly to think that just because the two of you want to have the celebration remain just your family/close friends. You are not friends with Gf so why would she be on the list.

I agree with the PP who say that you need to call DH and tell him to have your back.

If any of those 3 scenarios develop you and DH need to be completely, thoroughly, utterly astounded that SIL would make such illogical deductions. Don't give in and acknowledge that such behavior deserves an apology from you, or even much discussion.

"Why in the world should SIL be sad? She has all week to visit her friend."

"That's bizarre. Why should SIL be upset by the arrangements for our child's party?"

I think you are doing the right thing, but I can't help feeling sorry for GF. I mean, from her perspective she was invited by a family member to family events - and probably told by SIL that "of course, you're welcome! You're my friend!".

Of course, it was not SIL's right to do so, but I mean - she's spending nearly every major holiday for apparently YEARS at your house, and suddenly she is told that she's not welcome (and I'm not sure SIL will be gracious about it). Not your problem, but like I said, I just feel bad for her. How awful to realize after the fact that you were not wanted. Ugh.