Charlie Sheen Roast: Lotsa Industry Jabs

LATEST… Comedy Central’s roast of Charlie Sheen started fashionably late on Stage 27 at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane served as roastmaster and ringleader for William Shatner, Jon Lovitz, Anthony Jeselnik, Steve-O, Jeffrey Ross, Amy Schumer, Mike Tyson, Patrice O’Neal, and — of all people — Private Practice star Kate Walsh and. There was also a special appearance by former Guns ‘N Roses lead guitarist Slash, who is Sheen’s longtime buddy. Deadline contributor Ray Richmond was there blogging live to capture every Industry joke. Fortunately there were some, or we’d be screwed:

Roastmaster Seth MacFarlane comes out and announces, “Comedy Central was too cheap to hire a warmup guy. So you got me.” He introduces roasters with the line, “Let’s get ready to mumble.” Comedian Jeffrey Ross is dressed like Muammar Gaddafi in a military uniform.

MacFarlane, referring to the roast’s Sept. 19 air date, the same night as the Two and a Half Men season premiere: “Tonight on Two and a Half Men they’re having Charlie’s funeral. But no big deal. Just wait a few months and you’ll see the real thing.”

MacFarlane begins reading from Sheen’s alleged obit and finally says, “Oh the hell with it. Actually, it will be exactly the same as Amy Winehouse’s bio. All you have you to do is change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the fact he’s a talent who will be missed.”

MacFarlane introduces all of the roasters with targeted (and tasteless) insults.

MacFarlane: “Someone’s gonna need to fill Charlie in on all of the things he’s gonna miss, like his 50s.”

MacFarlane: “Charlie learned you can trash hotel rooms and do prostitutes. But don’t you dare call a Jewish guy by his real name.” That’s a reference to Sheen ranting against the folks who wanted to fire him and referring to Two and a Half Men co-creator Chuck Lorre by his Jewish name — Chaim Levine. Immediately, Charlie was rightfully or wrongfully tagged as having made an anti-Semitic remark.

Jon Lovitz: “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.” (Or did he mean enough to kill 2 1/2 men?)

Lovitz: “According to the Torah, Charlie’s a Jew. Not because his mother’s Jewish. But because CBS paid him $50 million and he still sued the network.”

Charlie’s sitting there taking it all, laughing, but also burying his hands in his face. Sheen looks healthy and relaxed in a simple coat and tie. Smiling easily.

MacFarlane: “How does a guy get fired from Two and a Half Men? He didn’t suck badly enough?”

MacFarlane introduces Kate Walsh: “Let me just say it’s a thrill having the hottest actress of 2002 here with us tonight.”

Walsh to MacFarlane: Seth, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie had locked in the closet is that Charlie came out.”

Walsh: “I’d heard that William Shatner had passed on, but I knew it wasn’t true because Shatner has never passed on anything.”

Jeff Ross: “This roast is so full of nobodies, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”

Ross: “Of course they fired you, Charlie. Every time the writers tried to put new lines in the script, you’d try to snort them.”

Anthony Jeselnik: “Charlie, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is that God hates Michael J. Fox.”

Jeselnik: “Charlie, the crazy thing is that you thought you could keep your job after calling your boss a ‘Jew kike’. If people could keep their jobs after calling their boss a ‘Jew kike’, then everybody would do it.”

Steve-O: “Charlie and I have a lot in common. We both love porn, we’ve each done a ton of drugs, and neither of us are actors.”

Amy Schumer: “Two and a Half Men is so bad that it stars Jon Cryer.”

William Shatner: “Charlie, you’re how old? 46? Then how come we look like we went to high school together?”

MacFarlane to Shatner: “You’re how old, Bill? 80? Well, the next time you star in a series, it’ll be called Shit My Dad Is Sitting In.”

Shatner: “Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Didn’t they tell you actresses will sleep with you for free?”

Charlie Sheen’s rebuttal: “Until tonight, I never knew how fucked up I was. Wow fucking wow. What a night. Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors, 3 ex-wives, 2 paramedics, and 9 dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. All of whom told me not to do this roast.”

The Amy Winehouse joke… Really? Thanks for confirming that I will not be watching this when it airs.

Really, girlfriend? • on Sep 10, 2011 9:43 pm

It’s a fucking roast, get over it.

BRETT • on Sep 10, 2011 11:13 pm

Yeah, but I thought roasts were supposed to be funny? And I am over it, hence not watching it. How’s your reading comprehension?

anon • on Sep 11, 2011 12:41 am

Brett – What have you got against Amy Winehouse, anyway? She’s dead, and all you can think about is your television viewing habits. Sad.

BRETT • on Sep 11, 2011 10:32 am

I see your reading comprehension is at an elementary level as well. I was taken aback by the Amy Winehouse joke as I am a huge fan… I don’t have anything against her, hence why I found the joke inappropriate.

The Clintidote • on Sep 11, 2011 12:10 pm

She’s not only dead, but she looks better now than 6 months ago.

I thought it was a very funny line; in fact, there were quite a few in this report.

B • on Sep 12, 2011 12:33 pm

Why are you getting upset over a joke that wasn’t even offensive? It did manage to point out a difference between Winehouse and Sheen, saying that Winehouse actually was a talent who will be missed. Lighten the fuck up.

naomi • on Sep 13, 2011 10:24 am

If you actually read the joke properly, you will see that its actually not offensive to Amy Wnehouse whatsoever, its offensive to Charlie Sheen, by calling him untalented.

Hate Dipshits. • on Sep 11, 2011 8:21 pm

So, if someone were to bitch-slap you in your mouth, would you “get over it”? Or are you as big of a punk in real life?

Have to agree with you BRETT in a GIANT way. Surely people aren’t finding any of these, so called jokes, funny – I mean please. Has this guy heard of, ‘lame duck?’ A cream pie in the face would be funnier, and we all know how old that scary joke is. And I thought I’d never actually feel sorry for Charlie Sheen….gee wiz! Hasn’t comedy gone down the latrine…..bring back Johnny Carson and Milton Berle for God sake!

another writer • on Sep 11, 2011 4:04 pm

As someone who was there, Brett’s right. There were several jokes (the Winehouse one, the Michael J Fox one, a really mean-spirited one about Sheen’s mother, and a few I mercifully don’t remember) that had the audience booing/hissing in disapproval. But you’re not very likely to hear those reactions when the show airs. Not only will they likely either be cut out or sweetened, there was also laughter that covered them.

The reasons for the laughter were many, but the prominent one was
the well-planned timing of the taping: It was too early for most people to have eaten dinner. Just like a bar pushing drinks, Comedy Central provided potato chips and other salty snacks. And plenty of free-flowing beer and wine to wash them down. So, yeah, for some odd reason, the roast just seemed to get funnier as the night went on.

The theme of the afterparty was supposed to be Classical Greece, but on the eve of 9/11, it had an eerie Nero fiddling feel…

Matt D. • on Sep 10, 2011 8:51 pm

Yea, but how was Jeselnik?

mdboatguy • on Sep 10, 2011 9:11 pm

So far, So funny. Cant wait to see the whole thing. love all their work. Sorry, not a hater…….

The JuRK • on Sep 10, 2011 9:13 pm

Jeffrey Ross makes these Roasts worth watching.

The rest are just reading cue cards.

Medium Rare • on Sep 10, 2011 9:30 pm

Aren’t roasts supposed to be for people that the public likes and cares about?

Sorry Charlie. Your fifteen minutes was up a long time ago.

Winning • on Sep 11, 2011 12:34 pm

Ummm… 15 minutes? The guy has been making movies and TV since the early 80s. And he has a new show and movie. I would hardly call that a “15 minutes-of-fame” situation.

By the way, the little bits I read on the roast are hilarious. Can’t wait!

Sorry Charlie • on Sep 11, 2011 3:18 pm

Sorry to hear about your low comendy standards. To each their own. Some people even think Pauley Shore is funny. How sad.

Crash Cobra • on Sep 11, 2011 7:21 pm

Low Comendy Standards???

First you should be careful that your rhetoric is perfect whey you are leveling criticism at someone else’s opinion.

As for Charlie Sheen, he’s a great comedic actor. I love watching him deliver lines with flawless timing. He makes me laugh. That’s his job and he does it better than most. It is not his job to act as role model to the public. Like the example that corporate America has set, he is living his life with the utmost gusto he can get away with. Cheers, Charlie. There are many of us who will watch whatever you appear in just because we know you will entertains us.

Zach • on Sep 10, 2011 10:10 pm

Gotta admit these lines are pretty hilarious.

AmyJ • on Sep 11, 2011 8:43 am

Seriously? Those lines suck. They’re not remotely funny and the Winehouse joke was in ridiculously poor taste. MacFarlane’s never been funny, just look at his work, it’s more sophomorically stupid than funny. You have a subject like Sheen and this is the best material one can come up with? Weak at best.

Writers Room • on Sep 11, 2011 11:33 am

Unlike other topics on Deadline where people complain about how weak movies/actors/scripts are, AmyJ, you actually have a chance to prove you can do better: Give us your best Charlie Sheen joke. Right now. Go…

If it tops anything from the list above, you’ll have our eternal respect. If it doesn’t, you’ll kindly be invited to stop criticizing that which you cannot do.

Attendee • on Sep 11, 2011 3:40 pm

I can’t perform surgery, but I can sure as hell complain if a surgeon screws up!

I don’t agree with all of Amy’s critique, but she’s right about some of the jokes crossing the line (and yes, there is one). The biggest problem was that the format was to let the roasters spend most of their set roasting each other, with only a few shots at the end at Sheen. He’s the one being “honored,” but nobody could seem to focus an entire set on him, perhaps because at this point, it’s too damn hard to come up with a full set of original Sheen jokes. Witness Lovitz’s coke-kill joke, which was one of the first to start circulating after Sheen got fired.

Writers Room • on Sep 11, 2011 7:32 pm

Surgery is pretty objective. You are either cured or they accidentally sew forceps into your intestines. Comedy is subjective. My point is that AmyJ and those like her are not the arbiters of funny. Like him or not, Seth M. has made a ton of money in television which means that while his humor may not appeal to her, it does to millions of other people. Everyone is welcome to their opinion but I am just tired of cynical internet critics pronouncing that something sucks without ever having offered anything better. But then again, I guess that’s what the inter webs are for and this is an argument I’ll never win on an entertainment gossip site.

Hate Dipshits. • on Sep 11, 2011 8:03 pm

How ’bout this. If I come up with TWO Sheen jokes better than this garbage, I get YOUR job, MacFarlane’s job, and the jobs of the rest of the lame-ass “comedians” that did the roast, including dipstick Sheen, AND their respective salaries AND the monies they’ve illegitimately earned over the years, and each and every one of them vow NEVER to make ANY public appearance in ANY form EVER again, even their likenesses or work, even after they die?

Wanna pony that up, “tough guy”?

This means the lame crap ALL these wankers will produce, and HAVE produced, is NEVER allowed to appear in ANY public forum or medium, EVER again.

Write up the contract, sign it, have it notarized, and I’ll be more than happy to give ya two jokes. Which is MORE than these blowhards have produced, collectively, in their entire careers.

Mitch • on Sep 10, 2011 10:20 pm

Not funny at all. Sounds like there are too many egos in the room, everyone is competing to get the best punchline.

roast fan • on Sep 11, 2011 1:03 pm

Thats the point, dude.

Hate Dipshits. • on Sep 11, 2011 8:15 pm

Except, of course, YOU. Which is why you posted, right?

Jack • on Sep 10, 2011 10:49 pm

Is there anything in the world more annoying than a group of people like this cracking wise?

GTV • on Sep 11, 2011 6:38 am

Someone whining about it anonymously on the internet.

Ha! • on Sep 12, 2011 1:53 pm

Zing!

lenny • on Sep 10, 2011 10:51 pm

if two and a half men’s rating go down, charlie could appear as a ghost or they could bring him back and say this season was a dream like the series dallas did.

junuh • on Sep 10, 2011 11:27 pm

the lines are not even funny. i guess if you tune in, you are suppose to laugh at anything.

And the guys’s entitled to a night of humour. Like you’re all perfect and never screwed up once in a while?

Like a bunch of judgmental prima donnas in your towers.

Like one wise guy said – a brilliant quote from “Stripes” if memory serves me correctly – “Lighten up, Francis.”

Luke • on Sep 11, 2011 12:24 pm

AMEN. Does anyone here have a sense of humor?

MM • on Sep 11, 2011 12:23 am

Jeselnik KILLED!

Matt D. • on Sep 11, 2011 7:18 am

That’s what I’m talking abouttttt!

Zandra Pendleton • on Sep 11, 2011 1:28 am

I have no problem with the jokes aimed at Charlie… after all he was the one being roasted, but ones like God not liking Michael J. Fox…. Parkinsons Disease is not funny! We watched my father-in-law slowly die from it, trapped in a body that would not function, God Bless Michael J. Fox…

Boy, roasts sure have changed since the days of Dean Martin, or maybe comedy was funnier or more directed at the person being roasted back then. Maybe today’s comedians need to take a good look at what they say… how it sounds… is it out of line? It is possible to be funny without being cold and heartless. Novel concept……

Rattlebone • on Sep 11, 2011 12:28 pm

I agree Zandra.I think what made the old roasts truley funny is they were all real stars and friends.These roasters are all mainly B grade personalities with no real connection to the roastee.

VFX in Venice • on Sep 11, 2011 7:54 pm

Have you actually watched any of the Dean Martin roasts? The “comedians” made plenty of jokes about each other, and would get LONG laughs for referring to Nipsy Russell as a “spade”, joke after joke about Dean Martin’s drinking (and Dean playing it up and slurring his speech throughout the show as part of his schtick), playing “Roots” backwards to give it a happy ending, and multiple references actress promiscuity. I don’t think roasts have changed a bit. They have always included mean jokes about all involved.

JJ Gittes • on Sep 11, 2011 1:37 am

No Carrot Top?

Eric • on Sep 11, 2011 4:11 am

A roast without Lisa lampeneli. Weird. Love her. She a great roaster.

Rog • on Sep 11, 2011 5:28 am

I was there and it was great. This is a ROAST. It’s supposed to be loaded with brutal JOKES. There’s no reason not to watch this, but there’s several great reasons TO watch it. There are some really great moments. Also, Steve-O broke his nose attempting a stupid stunt for a second time AFTER the roast was over and people were filing out. A guy at the after party popped his nose back into place. Ridiculous.

Anon • on Sep 11, 2011 2:57 pm

One good reason to not watch this show…It seems like I’ve read all the jokes and who wants to watch a stale rerun with old jokes. WAY TOO MUCH HYPE!

kk • on Sep 11, 2011 8:54 am

I’m a 61 year old lady…almost fell out of my rocker laughing..

Jackson • on Sep 11, 2011 10:28 am

This whole affair smells like something tired and old found in the back of the closet. Trying to pump life into the career of a burned-out egomaniac who’s worn out his welcome? No thanks.

The Clintidote • on Sep 11, 2011 12:13 pm

Well, just reading about it is already much funnier than his old show.

Anzie • on Sep 11, 2011 11:34 am

Ahhhh…geeez….some posters sound like Charle when he went off track…No different than the rest of us …the only thing that separates is the money and time…I’ll bet for you fellows out there..given the same circumstances …you’d do the same as Charley…everyone in Hollywood knew his lifestyle…he never hid it..his wifes that married him knew in advance and always trying to change him…totally unsucessfully…in fact the last ex was also in rehab…Charley is older now and hopefully he takes a different path..not as much fun when the wrinkles set in…is his drug habit so ingrained that it won’t let him go?? Sure hope not..he is talented and the roast only brings out in public those thoughts all the rest of us had or have…that’s the purpose…maybe holding a mirror up to him will help…none the less he is blessed to be surrounded by a close knit family….

will stone • on Sep 11, 2011 12:06 pm

Sheen does not read these comments. But when he gets old enough to look back he will wonder how he could have been so self important. Today, 9/11, would be a good day for him to reflect on the real world he is not engaged in.

Pecunia • on Sep 11, 2011 12:14 pm

A shame Greg Giraldo could not make it this year.
Just j/k, what is a roast without the great GG, he will be missed!?

andy • on Sep 11, 2011 12:22 pm

It cracks me up to think some of these people are holier than thou and can’t ake a frigging joke. We’re all going to die so live with that. Chill.