No Spark, but a Relationship?

I answer viewer questions for Fox 26 each week on my segments, “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo.” I didn’t have time to answer this letter from Jane, so I decided to write the answer in my blog this week.

Dear Mary Jo,

“When you are starting to date someone and you enjoy their company, but do not have any real desire for them…how do you know if you should give it time to grow? Is it foolish to date where there is no ‘spark,’ hoping that will come with time? (In my experience, it has never grown, if not there to begin with). How much time is fair to avoid hurting the other person if you know they are into you, but you don’t return the same level of attraction?

Thank you, Jane.

The answer to these types of questions is difficult, and there are no right or wrong answers. Some of the best marriages I have ever seen were arranged, and some of the worse relationships I have ever seen consisted of people who had an abundance of spark, but nothing else in common. We all talk about chemistry or spark, but what is it and by what is it defined? For some, chemistry means the other person is “cute” or “hot;” for others it may mean they are an intellect and share career interests. Dating usually implies that you are meeting people you want to see again. I cannot imagine getting dressed and ready to go to a play or an event with someone for whom I felt no interest or with whom I didn’t want to be. As you read my answer you may think of other things that would be helpful to share with Jane. Your comments are appreciated, so long as you consider “helping and encouraging her,” because she is stuck right now, and trying to do the right thing.

Dear Jane,

I want to thank you for trusting me with your question and I am hoping I can offer things to think about and question within yourself, to help you find your answers. Dating should be fun and it allows you to get to know people in an intimate setting. Like any relationship, it should be done as honestly as possible. When you are transparent, you allow the other person to know you, and free yourself from trying to be what you aren’t. If you pretend to like this guy and keep it going when you really aren’t interested, that is deception. Being honest doesn’t have to be mean, something as simple as, “I think you are a really neat person (if he is), but I have some things I need to work out in my own head right now, and I need to take a break from seeing you anymore.” Of course that is my script…you can change it however you wish as long as you stay honest with your own part (spark happens; it’s not something anyone is to blame for or feel badly about).

You also asked if spark ever comes when it isn’t there initially. There is no one answer to that question, Jane. In a healthy marriage, couples may experience their spark growing and dimming only to repeat this cycle. A relationship also grows, but with dating, there has to be something there to keep you wanting to continue the dates. That leads us to the last portion of your question. When the other person does feel a spark and you don’t, how long should you continue the relationship? This is where you have to become very honest with yourself by asking yourself these questions.

1. What am I afraid of if I let this one go?

2. What specifically (write them down) makes this person void of spark?

3. What specific combination makes me feel a spark? Many women who like bad boys were raised with dads who didn’t treat their moms very nice. These women may say they would never marry or date a guy like their dad, but the unfinished business in their heads attracts them to a bad boy like a moth to a flame. Many moms who were bored with their partners couldn’t hide their boredom from their daughters. When their daughters meet nice guys, they get cast aside due to the daughters’ fear they will end up bored like their mothers were.

Chemistry is the sum total of what we grew up with, what we saw mentored in our own homes and our personal wiring. When it attracts, it is strong, and there is a spark. Can a relationship grow to spark? Yes. Will it ever feel as intense as a natural first meeting spark? No, probably not. Can you build a healthy marriage or life with someone you don’t feel that spark for? YES. Is it easy? NO, but then again, creating a healthy marriage takes work, and I doubt anyone would say it was easy. I could not say that about life in general as life is about learning all aspects of one’s self and some of those are painful. Good luck, Jane. –Mary Jo Rapini

27 Responses

That initial chemistry fades over time. It took me a long time to accept that. it was replaced with contentment and security. I know thats not as exciting, but its comforting in its own right, and more than enough for me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that spark isn’t everything, and in the end you need to see if you can wake up every morning next to this guy and feel safe and loved. The spark for us comes and goes, and even the love comes and goes, but in the end, we keep coming back to eachother. Not because its destined or we need eachother, but because we respect eachother and want to be together. Good luck!

Why would you even date a person you were not physicially attracted to? Let him down easy and get out now, before his feelings for you become any stronger. A passionless relationship is unfair to both parties. You both deserve better. Where could this relationship go? So many people end up in sexless and often loveless marriages. I’d rather be single than in marriage like that. It takes more than great sex to make a successful marriage, but sex is a foundational element. Could the two of you remain platonic friends? It’s possible, but it will be very difficult for him if he finds you attractive. Watch When Harry Met Sally if you have never seen it. Billy Crystal’s character makes some valid points. BTW, I’ve been married 30 years and we are still ‘sparking’ frequently, especially since the nest emptied. I know we lucked out, and I thank God for that. Sometimes it takes a little effort and creativity to keep things fresh and exciting, but the pay off is more than worth it. We’re still hot for each other. The spark doesn’t have to fade.

Marrying someone when you don’t have the “spark” would be almost as big a mistake as having a baby to save a marriage. While each might work, it is more likely to just make the failure even more disastrous. Of course that passionate spark is not the only thing to make a successful marriage. Maturity, responsibility, faith, respect, trust, supportiveness, etc., are also very important to making a strong foundation for a successful marriage. I’m not saying marrying someone with whom you have the “spark” guarantees a successful marriage; that the “spark” won’t develop once in the marriage; or that the absence of the “spark” dooms a marriage. However, I do think it slants the odds enough that I would bet my money on the couple with the “spark” as being the more likely to succeed. You can have a very large steak, but without the sizzle it’s just BLEAHHH!!

If you distill the discussions that have occurred on this blog through the months and years, the trait we most desperately want to see in our spouse throughout our marriage is an enthusiasm for us and a sense that (ESPECIALLY after all these years, and knowing all our flaws) we are the one our spouse WANTS and CHOOSES to be with. Hard to see that enthusiasm in a marriage that lacks the “spark”.

Drifter007, you make me quite envious. If a woman declared herself for me with the enthusiasm your wife did for you, I’d never have set her down. I hope your next 35 years are as good as the first 35 have been.

There are plenty of women I find physically attractive, but very few cause me to be infatuated. What causes a spark in me is often a combination of looks and personality. In fact, a few times, I was initially unimpressed by some girl’s appearance, but then grew very attracted to her through her personality.

@Plexico: We probably do have much the same definition of “spark”. It’s not just PHYSICAL attraction or good sex (though I think better sex is often one of the results of the “spark” in a marriage) – it’s the special enthusiasm for and excitement in simply being with your spouse. I picture it like a cat’s reaction to catnip or a person’s response to the smell of something delicious cooking in the kitchen – you may not even be consciously aware that you’re drawn to her or able to define why, but the attraction is irresistable.

Personally, I believe that much of the “spark” in a relationship is a feedback loop – you reflect and respond to her interest and enthusiasm for her, and vice versa. You’re attracted to her because she’s attracted to you. It would help explain why you can see a couple completely attracted to each other, even though any objective observer would have to say neither one of them is much to look at.

“Infatuation” sounds negative at first, but I’ve said before, “I want to be my wife’s addiction”, so I guess “infatuation” isn’t too bad a description after all.

Glad to see that several folks understand that “spark” is what can burn a relationship out in no time. It’s like having to keep doing CPR 24/7.

Better to have a relationship where both partners can just be comfortable with each other like adults and not feel pressured to keep working their fannies off trying to keep that undefinable something called “spark” glowing brightly. Leave that to hormone addled teeny boppers. You’ll never make it past the five year mark if you don’t.

Looking at my past, I think that “spark” had no bearing on whether a long-term relationship was possible.

I had a “spark” for a girl I had a three-year relationship with, but more often, spark led to disaster. Spark can blind you to many serious flaws in your beloved. Whether a reasonable relationship can be as good as one that starts with infatuation (aka, spark) is yet to be determined in my case.

It can when you are a little bit older and have slowed down a bit
My hubby & I had serious spark in our late 30′s and into our 40′s and also had a lot of ‘bad fires’ (marital disfunction) from those sparks but we have endured and are trucking along in our 50′s.
I would hate to say that if we met in our 20′s, we probably wouldn’t have lasted through the ‘bad fires’.

When I was young I had a fixed idea in my head as to what I wanted in a woman. She had to be no shorter than 6’0″. That way she could stand on her tiptoes and kiss me.(Don’t ask I have no idea where that came from). I gave no one else a second look no matter how attractive or how hard they tried to flirt. When I first met the Misses she was a complete annoyance. She was 5’3″ in heels, I had socks that were taller than she was. Their was no way I was going to spend the rest of my life looking at the top of her head. This pursuit of hers went on for about six months until one day she decided she had enough of my resistance. She caught me at a moment when I was bent over grabbed me around the neck which made me stand straight up, wrapped her legs around my waist and planted a kiss on me that sucked my heart out of my chest. It was not a spark it was an explosion and it continued to go off for the next 35 years. Sometimes it takes time for a person to see just what they have in front of them.

I’ll bet her height became an endearing quality. Love tends to turn those things around into something great.

I think the “spark” is what has us find our flaws cute and endearing… and part of what we love about each other. Without the spark, those flaws might end up being the annoying pet peves that put us off.

This person you are seeing falls in the friendship only category. Don’t kid yourself . You know the answer. Move on while you can before it’s too late. I wish I had but my daughter means so much more than the “spark” I will never feel. But at least my parnter and I get along well…

Chemistry is highly overrated. I remember one psychologist saying that the rush you feel early on in a relationship is just nature’s way of fooling you into getting more involved. Otherwise, men and women are so different they would probably never hook up with each other and the population of the world would not go on. I believe dating is about getting to know another person, which is why it’s so important to be honest about who and what you are. Also, why it’s so important not to get sexually involved too early on because that often leads you to make more of the relationship than is really there. If you find someone truly compatible, feelings will grow over time. I’ve done it both ways, getting into a relationship because I felt the chemistry was there, only for the relationship not to stand the test of time. In my current relationship I started slowly, was honest, and tried just to enjoy being with the woman who became my wife. We’ve been married seven years now and things keep getting better and better all the time, so we must be doing something right. There was an attraction to begin with, but no heavy duty chemistry. We liked each other inititally,and from that a deep love grew as we got to know each other better.

I was not initially attracted to my husband. Fortunately, for me, I got to know him as a friend over time and I am so glad I did. He’s everything I wanted in my mate. I trust him implicitly and am extremely secure with him. I know that he is in our marriage for keeps. I found out the hard way that there are people who get married and people who want to be married. Find a person who wants to be married and you’ll have a partner who will work with you and who will stay with you during the tough times.

Unfortately, my heart was broken by my former husband. I was wife number two and he is now on wife number four, with a lot of relationships in between, both in and out of marriage. It took a lot of time for me to heal from this devasting hurt and betrayal, but my present husband did not push. Instead, he quietly and gently showed me how a committed man treats his special mate and I love him so dearly for it.

Yes, he did become more and more attractive to me, both physically and emotionally, over time though it took time for me to work through the unrealistic issues I had about being physically attracted to my mate and to get to know the real person he was. I married him 15 years ago after we had known each other for ten years. Yes, I married my dearest frient and also the sweetest lover. So, yes, take time to get past the book cover and into the real person before you decide someone is not the right person for you. You may uncover a real jewel and find the others were just imitations.

I, for one, see my husband and feel the same exuberance for him as I did the day I met him–five years ago. In fact, I love him more with all his (now known) flaws now. I just am so very attracted to him in every way. I could not imagine meeting someone and hoping I’d eventually be attracted to them. I can honestly say I wished I’d felt a spark for some people that liked me but just didn’t and am glad I moved on quickly (from them thinking this relationship could be something more than a good freind relationship) without hurting their feelings by allowing them to build hope for nothing.

I wish I’d seen the danger signs of what I thought was sexy “aloofness” and now know was more of a borderline personality disorder in my second husband (which marriage lasted less than a year and was a horrible torturous struggle from the day I said I do and he treated me like property and “pushed me around”–which he didn’t do prior to marriage).

Go with your gut!! No one knows their heart like yourself. Polonius said, “To thine own self be true.” Shakespeare.

Perhaps it will offer some insight as to why women tend to be dishonest in dating. Never once has a woman told me “no” when I’ve asked for a phone number. Some will give a fake number, some will give a number but never answer, others answer and will make excuses as to why they can’t go out–but they will never come out and say that they aren’t into me. The same with women who have gone out with me once or twice. I’ve never had one just say that she wasn’t interested, thought that I am a goof, thought that I am not attractive, etc. They will either not return calls, or make an excuse hoping that I’ll sooner or later figure it out. Because you can believe that if Justin Bliebler called them up, they wouldn’t be too busy with doing laundry, dusting their figurines, working overtime or any other excuse. The women who have been into me, are in fact, very hard to get rid of. If I ignore them, tell them to leave me alone, tell them I’m moving out of state, whatever, they will pursue harder the more I try to get rid of them.

The fact is, women need to get over themselves! If I just met them and got their number, I am not going to be heartbroken if they aren’t interested in me. It’s not as if my wife of 23 years is leaving, taking the house, the car, the kids, the pets and the money! If we’ve gone out for a cup of coffee for an hour and that’s all the further things are going to go, I’ll be okay. You can tell me.

In any case the idea of spark would mean first and foremost that the woman is attracted to me, as this is the unknown and essential component. I already know if she is not good looking enough or too crazy, etc. etc.

I have to defend women, such as myself, who have in the past let down men in the cowardly ways you refer to. However, I consider it just being nice. Instead of telling you why I don’t think it will work, point by point, I can just fade away (that is the hope) and you can draw your own conclusions without me having to destroy your ego in the process. Granted, I am assuming that most men have fragile egos, but it’s safer that way.

I guess I don’t see why this approach is a BAD thing. Sometimes the truth hurts, and I don’t want to be unnecessarily hurtful. And, of course, I don’t want someone to be that way to me. I can tell if someone is into me or not by the signals they give off, their availability (real or faked), etc.

@Cate – There is nothing kind about women pulling the disappearing act. I had one woman enthusiastically make a date with me only to stand me up and never again return my calls. To this day I wonder if maybe she was in a car accident or kidnapped or worse, or simply took the coward’s way out.

Believe me it is much kinder to simply tell the guy you are not interested and move on. You don’t need to explain point by point what’s wrong, just be honest and don’t waste his time and don’t simply disappear.

I have to defend women on this one as well. I see where you are coming from about the disappearing act being cowardly but sometimes it has to be done. There are some guys out there that just won’t take no for an answer. We women end up having to hear a long “you didn’t give me a chance” speech if we are upfront and say we are not interested. I’ve tried this upfront technique and it still does not work with some men. They will continue calling/texting and wanting to know exactly what it was about them that was a turnoff.

@Cate–I disagree with your thinking. Most men shouldn’t have such a fragile ego. I look around; I see most everyone I know with any life experience has at some point been dumped, shot down, divorced or mutually decided that it just wouldn’t work. Sometimes people change their minds, or figure out that over the long term, they aren’t compatible. Or maybe they realize they just don’t want a serious relationship. That’s why you date people: to evaluate the potential of a long term relationship with the person.

Having said that, I don’t view it as a reflection that I am terrible if someone doesn’t want to date me. there is no dichotomy of 1) fade away or 2) be hurtful and insulting. Often, it is not easy to explicitly describe why I’m not into someone. We may call it chemistry or spark, or however we label it, but it’s a vague description. You don’t need to tell a guy something mean such as “I hate the way you sniffle all the time from your allergies. Plus you have a crooked tooth and a bald spot. You are totally undesirable.” If the guy was that bad, why did you date him in the first place?

Personally, I think that it’s much more hurtful to have the person just ghost away. Particularly in the cases where we were dating for a few months. It made me feel that the person was just lying the entire time.

Ummm… did you not tell them? It sounds like you are finding another reason not to give a straight/honest answer. The truth hurts sometimes, but the pain fades quicker than frustrations of being given the run around. Provide the necessary closure by being straight and honest. It’s the right thing to do.

I wondered this same thing when my husband and I hadn’t been dating for very long. He was a really nice person, but 2-3 weeks in, I wasn’t really having any feelings yet. All my friends told me that I should stop seeing him, and I hesitated because he was really nice and we had fun together. After some more time passed, my feelings did grow immensely and we’ve been together happily for quite a few years now.

The relationship I was in just before I met my husband started with quite an initial spark. Those feelings happened before we really knew each other. Once we took the time to get to know each other better, we weren’t even compatible. The spark was based on nothing. That made me not necessarily trust those initial feelings of infatuation that can develop. You just don’t know a person that well until you’ve been dating them for a few months at least and you’re both not still trying to be on your best behavior.

Obviously I can’t tell Jane what she should do, but I’d wonder how long they’ve been dating? If it’s a very short time, it doesn’t hurt to give it a little longer.