Going around and coming around..

We’ve all heard that saying, what goes around comes around. Right? Which is bullsh*t when it comes to infertility, nobody does anything to deserve this. It’s not someone’s fault, it just is. It’s a bad hand of cards, it’s the wrong place at the wrong time. I’ll stop with that, I’m starting to sound like an Alannis Morrisette song. Someone I know just went through a round of IVF, and it didn’t work. (Now before anyone gets any ideas, I know of several people dealing with infertility – I’m not going to name any names. Nobody is going to get outed here, I promise.) And I don’t think I was one damn bit helpful. All I could think of to say was “I’m so sorry”. How worthless. But there really isn’t anything to say, is there. I know that, but I wanted so badly to offer her more than that. I wanted to spare her some of the emotional sh*tstorm coming for her. I’ve waded through this muck myself, you see. I’m an expert, right? Hmph. I don’t know jack. It’s different for everyone, what’s broken, how to fix it, the outcome. Unfortunately, people who have walked this infertile path know that bad things happen to good people all the time. There is no fair, there is no justice, sometimes it seems like God closes his eyes and turns away. And then goes on vacation and forgets to turn on His stupid-a$$ outlook message so people can know nobody’s listening. The Universe doesn’t care.

How do you realistically comfort someone when you know what a crapshoot it is? I remember stretches of time when I thought I was drowning. Things got much worse before they got better. They did get better, and I have a daughter to show for my years of agony. But sometimes it doesn’t get better. As bad as you think it is it can always, always get worse. The whole process is so overwhelming, and I remember being so emotionally raw. Despair, anger, jealousy and fear all fighting for top billing. And echoes of those emotions are right underneath my skin, I was shocked at how much came flooding back. My throat closed up and all that came out was “I’m so sorry”….. When I heard that their cycle had failed, it all came rocketing back and hit me so hard I could barely breathe. I honestly thought I’d be better at this, but I don’t blow sunshine well. I wanted to be encouraging, I wanted to be comforting. I was none of those things. PTSD much? Probably. I sent her a couple of emails, sensing she didn’t want to talk. I don’t blame her, I didn’t after my failed cycles. Told her I was here for her, sent her a couple of links. I told her that I remember how hard it was to talk about, that just because I’m not asking doesn’t mean I don’t care. I pondered bringing her brownies. And then I marvelled at just how ineffective I was. I wish I’d been better for her. What would you have said?

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One Response to “Going around and coming around..”

I was in a similar situation half a year ago and I did and said similar things. I think it helps for your friend just to know she is not alone and that there are people in the world who understand and will not say the insensitive things. At least I hope so, because I’m not sure there is much more we can do for our friends in this situation.