I am tired of hearing how child sexual abusers were abused themselves as children. It just makes them a big fat hypocrite to do what they do to children knowing full well how harmful, degrading, confusing, and painful it is to the child.

“The Cleveland man who imprisoned three women in his home, subjecting them to a decade of rapes and beatings, pleaded guilty Friday to 937 counts in a deal to avoid the death penalty.

Ariel Castro told the judge he was addicted pornography, had a “sexual problem” and had been a sexual abuse victim himself long ago.

In exchange for his plea, prosecutors recommended Castro be sentenced to life without parole plus 1,000 years.

Castro, 53, said he understood that he would never get out of prison, saying he expected he was “going to get the book thrown at me.” He later added, “I knew that when I first spoke to the FBI agent when I first got arrested.”

Castro, wearing glasses for the first time in court, was far more interactive than in previous court appearances when he mostly kept his head down and eyes closed. He answered the judge’s questions in a clear, intelligible voice, saying he understood the proceedings and that he would never be released from prison.

Ariel Castro

Castro, who was born in Puerto Rico, said he could read and understand English well but had trouble with comprehension.

“My addiction to pornography and my sexual problem has really taken a toll on my mind.” He later said he had been a sexual abuse victim as a child, but the judge cut him off.

Near the end of the 2 1/2-hour hearing, the judge accepted the pleas and declared Castro guilty. Sentencing was set for Thursday.

The deal comes more than a month after a statement issued on behalf of the women said they were “hopeful for a just and prompt resolution” and had “great faith in the prosecutor’s office and the court.”

Castro had been scheduled for trial Aug. 5 on a 977-count indictment, but 40 counts were dropped as part of the plea deal. The indictment included two counts of aggravated murder related to accusations that he punched and starved one woman until she miscarried. The former school bus driver also was charged with hundreds of counts of kidnapping and rape, plus assault and other counts.

He was accused of repeatedly restraining the women, sometimes chaining them to a pole in a basement, to a bedroom heater or inside a van. The charges alleged Castro assaulted one woman with a vacuum cord around her neck when she tried to escape.

The sticking point on a plea deal had been whether the prosecutor would rule out the death penalty.

The three women disappeared separately between 2002 and 2004, when they were 14, 16 and 20 years old. Each said they had accepted a ride from Castro, who remained friends with the family of one of the women and even attended vigils over the years marking her disappearance.

The women escaped Castro’s house May 6 when one of them kicked out part of a door and called to neighbors for help. Castro was arrested within hours and has remained behind bars.

News that Amanda Berry, Gina Dejesus and Michelle Knight had been found alive electrified the Cleveland area, where two of them were household names after years of searches, publicity and vigils. But elation soon turned to shock as allegations about their treatment began to emerge.

Castro fathered a 6-year-old daughter with Berry, authorities said. They allege that on the day the child was born, Christmas 2006, Castro raped one of the other women, who had helped deliver the baby.

Berry told authorities that she, her child and the other women never saw a doctor during their captivity.

Knight said her five pregnancies ended after Castro starved and repeatedly punched her.

The Associated Press does not usually identify people who may be victims of sexual assault, but the names of the three women were widely circulated after they disappeared, and they appeared in an online video thanking the public for its support.

The judge read their names in court Friday as the hearing was carried live on national cable news.

Since their rescue, the women have sought to stay out of sight and have appealed for privacy.”

Probably in part to keep Elizabeth Smart away from them so she does not continue to tell them to “move on, and let go of the past.”

What cruel advice to give to these women, who lived through horrors, torture, and the murder of their babies for an entire decade.

Sometimes, well meaning people try to pressure us into forgiving before it is time to forgive. I had several ministers do that to me over the years when I asked them about forgiveness or when I shared what was done to me as a child. For the most part, people don’t know what to say to a survivor if they have never experienced what we have. Often, they say the wrong thing, like “Forgive and get over it.” Most people are ignorant of the pain we feel and how long it takes to heal. They aren’t usually saying that to be mean. They don’t know better unless we take the time to educate them. That is why conversations like this one are so important to share with others.

If you are like me you hate lies today because you were lied to by our abusers so many times as a child. That is why honesty is so important to me today. Honesty with myself is so important because if I am not honest with myself, healing becomes difficult, if not impossible. Trust doesn’t come easy and if someone lies, trust flies out the door, often to never return. I have learned to trust myself on who I can trust and who I can’t. Love the conversations going on here.

Hi Patricia. I think most of us that were sexually abused have big issues with trust and lies. There is something pretty big going on right now in our human experience. We are all going through a period of cleansing, purification, and The heavens are sort of testing us, or separating the good from the bad. Many people I know are losing loved ones to death, and are experiencing profound loss, or profound changes in their personal lives. They are being forced to choose between self and love in the midst of their suffering.

Many people I know are sick and tired of lies, living lies, and being a lie to themselves. Many people I know want to either change, grow, heal, or they are being forced ta face their past. Lots of “no more secrets” going on right now.

As far as well-meaning people, yes, sometimes they just don’t know what to say. Other times, it is more comfortable for them to say “forgive and forget,” because they don’t want to hear about it and would prefer to go shopping, or talk about recipes, or go to the local bar. They prefer sports, and feel-good topics. They would rather we shut up so they can go about their day in ignorant bliss…all the while, children are being raped, abused, and beaten.

I have been informed by professionals who stay with dying people that before death many people reveal life long secrets about rape and childhood sexual abuse. They have a need to confess those things before they die to ease their minds.

Little Nel, I have sometimes daydreamed about my mother giving me a death-bed confession. “The Truth shall set you free” is not just a catch phrase. It truly liberates a soul. It can lift a hundred pound weight off a survivor’s back to hear that confession…to finally have that one piece of final validation.

Is this sentence a joke? I will answer my own question. No!!!
This is an indication of how ignorant the world is about rape and it’s harmful, damaging effects. He may have reduced the life span of these girls, but he gets to live.

I am tired of hearing how child sexual abusers were abused themselves as children.

I am tired of this also. If they truly wanted empathy, they would not go out and sexually abuse little children. Who cares that they were sexually abused, after we find out they have harmed beautiful innocent children. These perpetrators don’t say they were sexually abused as children for empathy; they want to be acquitted so they can go out and touch some more innocent children. The charges fit, so we must not acquit!

Bree, if they wanted empathy, they would not have done it in the first place. The minute a person harms a child, they have taken aggressive action to help themselves feel better in the moment. In that moment, they have crossed over to the dark side, and no more empathy for them is warranted.

“The minute a person harms a child, they have taken aggressive action to help themselves feel better in the moment. In that moment they have crossed over to the dark side, and no more empathy for them is warranted.”

I couldn’t forgive for many years and I felt guilty about it until one day I asked God to take the forgiveness into His hands. I left it with God until I had processed enough of my pain and watched it go away as the healing happened. It isn’t all gone today but enough has that I can live a pretty good life and not hurt anyone, including myself, with my anger. Forgiveness doesn’t say the incest never happened, it did. I will never deny that it happened ever again. For 10 years I pretended that the incest wasn’t affecting me and it just added more hurt and anger on to the original that I had to work thru and heal. Denial does not work. Forgiveness does not say the abusers are not responsible. They are always responsible for what they did. They will be responsible until the day that I die. The child is never responsible for incest happening. Forgiveness means my abusers no longer have any control over my feelings or my life. That is true freedom and those 3 young ladies are years away from that kind of freedom.

***These words you have written are medicine to my soul! Thank you so much. You are such an inspiration to me today. I am only just beginning recovery and I have such hope after reading your words. Many thanks. These words on forgiveness are what gives me the most hope: I couldn’t forgive for many years and I felt guilty about it until one day I asked God to take the forgiveness into His hands. I left it with God until I had processed enough of my pain and watched it go away as the healing happened. I kept wondering how I was going to forgive the person’s who raped me. One day I forgive and then it comes back that I am out of forgiveness and in anger again. Around and around a mulberry bush is how it feels. I am comforted to know that as I process the pain, the desire to forgive will come in naturally, and I will be able to release the people who hurt me.

That is true freedom and those 3 young ladies are years away from that kind of freedom.
***I agree! I hate how the media made it seem like they were free and off to a beautiful life in the sunset. They sure are years away from that. So am I. I am so excited… thinking about it though!

Bree, I am glad to hear that my words have given you some comfort. Forgiveness doesn’t happen once and you are done. I wish it did. It happens just as you describe it here. You forgive, a new issue comes up, you get angry, you feel it, you forgive again. Sometimes it is a new issue. Sometimes it is a deeper layer of the same issue. One day at time over and over again. After awhile as the issues are resolved, joy and laughter start coming into your life. You still have an occasional issue come up, you deal with it and have a life.

An issue about forgiveness that is not widely discussed is that we cannot forgive what we do not remember, but it still affects us. Anger and rage are two key problems in sexual abuse victims and adult survivors. It was not until very recently that I expelled a huge amount of my repressed anger -yet I have been in therapy for many years. It was not until recently that I was ready to handle what came out. Repressed trauma means repressed emotional pain, and thus, repressed anger. So until we remember, and deal with everything inside our subconscious mind, we will never be free of anger, and thus, never be able to fully forgive in its truest form.

I got rid of menopausal hot flashes when the anger surfaced and was released. So I have discovered that even hot flashes and night sweats are repressed anger. Hormones play a role, yes, but all brain and body chemicals, and hormones, can be affected, altered, and calmed with THE MIND.

An issue about forgiveness that is not widely discussed is that we cannot forgive what we do not remember, but it still affects us.

Repressed trauma means repressed emotional pain, and thus, repressed anger. So until we remember, and deal with everything inside our subconscious mind, we will never be free of anger, and thus, never be able to fully forgive in its truest form.

———–These two paragraphs above have given me such peace today. I truly want to forgive the person who harmed me. I just needed to hear how it will be possible. The memories are not up and out yet, so I will be patient. I want to forgive so I can be free from him and all of his cruelty! I now realize I must deal with everything inside my subconscious mind to be able to do so! Thanks. I am so glad you are knowledgeable about sexual abuse and do not offer any bandaid approaches.

I got rid of menopausal hot flashes when the anger surfaced and was released.

———This encourages me as well. I am dealing with these hot flashes. thanks.

Where there is a will…there is a way. I believe that if you truly want to forgive at the core of forgiveness, that you will find a way.

You’re right, I don’t put band aides on gaping, gushing, trauma and profound scars of the soul. The fact that you recognize and appreciate that, means you are pretty awesome. It means you like truth and are uncomfortable with the bullshit that doesn’t help anyone.

The fact that you recognize and appreciate that, means you are pretty awesome.

_Thank you Alethea. Your kind words have brightened my day! 🙂

It means you like truth and are uncomfortable with the bullshit that doesn’t help anyone.

_You have described my personality correctly Alethea. I feel like I am obsessed with the truth and I hate lies, and cover-ups. I have fired more than a few therapists because I discerned that they were telling me lies! I do not regret it!

You’re right, I don’t put band aides on gaping, gushing, trauma and profound scars of the soul.
_ I love your Spirit! You have definitely been given beauty for ashes! And an overflow of empathy. concern and care. God Bless You!

About that anger, my suffering was minimized and overlooked by my family because my inner wounds were invisible to the naked eye.

I received no normal human compassion for my hurts and pain in childhood because there were no gaping bleeding sores on my skin that caused another human being to say, “Ouch, she was really hurt bad. I need to be kind, gentle and understanding with her.”

Instead, we got chastised, punished, and rebuffed for “telling lies.” My punishment was so severe that I fainted from fear. My “punishers” then had to cover that up. I was never seen by a doctor even though I was close to death because the “cover up” took precedence.

We have come by our anger honestly. We have been wronged, falsely blamed, and invalidated like we were worthless. Any normal person in our shoes would feel as angry and violated as we do, but we crave healing and recovery more than anything else because we want to feel whole again.

So true. I have 6 years, ages 11-17, of memories that I have worked on healing. I have clues that I was abused as early as 3 when I called myself an adulteress. How do you heal what you don’t remember? I don’t have any answers to that one. In the mean time, I do the best that I can to live my life. I don’t focus on what I can’t remember. If I ever recover the memories of that age, I will then deal with it. Until then I am going to live the best life that I can with the tools that I have.

Hi Patricia. It was not until recently that I remembered things from infancy. Yes, infancy. Every emotional experience we have, is recorded in our soul (psyche means soul.) There are many therapists that take clients back to birth and they experience a re-birth if needed.

For me, I need to remember anything and everything that is blocked, because it affects my life if I don’t. I am just thankful that I have an amazing therapist that works miracles of the mind.

I don’t focus on what I don’t remember, but my body and emotions do. I cannot control my body or my emotions without finding the root cause. I believe that everyone is programmed that way, because we all have a soul, body, mind, emotions, and subconscious memory. Our minds are biological computers.

I saw a therapist who told me that some of the memories that would come out during sexual abuse recovery …may not be true. I believed her! Why? I saw in my sleep someone coming around my crib as a baby. I don’t believe someone hurt me sexually as a baby. I also got images of my favorite dolls I collect with their clothes taken off. I was crying hysterically. I Love Dolls. I was better after I was able to calm down. My inner child was super upset about the dolls. I just dismissed the crib image. I only got this image once, if it comes up more….I can deal with it.

Jane, what a strange thing for the therapist to say. It is setting a person up from the beginning to disbelieve ALL of their memories, and to make them question everything about their therapy and their life.

I have a few memories from age 2. I believe what our mind doesn’t remember, our body does and definitely my soul remembers, as you said. I have had 2 massages in which my body started shaking and didn’t stop for at least 30 minutes. The massage therapist was surprised and said she only knew of one other of her clients that did that. My belief is that the massage and the trembling was my body releasing some of those body memories that it had carried since childhood. I didn’t get any memories to go with the release and I could be wrong but that is what I believe.

The person who sexually assaulted me told me that he did massages daily. I did not recall any massages at all. If I were to get a massage, I am 100% sure…. my response would be similar to yours. My spouse touched my face with both hands several months ago, I literally fell over on a couch and my whole body went limp. I felt extremely weak all over and it took a while for this to wear off. I have been traumatized by everything this rapist did to me as a child. If I watch Disney movies like Beauty and the Beast, at the end when they kiss, I experience anxiety galore and I hide my face, look down or cover my mouth. This rapist treated me like I was an adult and it is so traumatizing. I hate what he did to me. I am glad it can be healed.

ANOTHER THING THAT GETS ME… I cannot understand how in hell Nancy Ruiz ( mother of Gina DeJesus) can come out publicly and say SHE forgives Castro & would actually hug him if she sees him??? WHAT!!! She knew him, he came to vigils that were held for Gina, and she would even run into him occasionally & he would ask her how she’s holding up etc, and all along HE IS THE ONE raping and torturing her daughter underneath his own roof! And you know someone capable of this doesn’t care one bit about her forgiveness! He might pretend to have feelings but it’s only to save his own life in court. Heck maybe Nancy Ruiz doesn’t actually forgive him for what he did… maybe she is just an attention whore? I really hope so… I cannot imagine the confusion Gina must have felt when she realized her “protector” had already forgiven the scum who did this to her for so many years.

So, while Gina’s mother is busy forgiving him, there are countless other “Mothers” and caring women out there who absolutely hate him and what he did to all of his victims. We would only “hug” him long enough to choke the life out of him…and hopefully that can comfort her.

Yes, good point, Loudest Silence. It just shows that women can be just as dangerous and vicious to their children as any man. Many are quite happy to endanger and even ‘pimp’ their children to men, knowing full well what is going on.

I cannot understand how in hell Nancy Ruiz ( mother of Gina DeJesus) can come out publicly and say SHE forgives Castro & would actually hug him if she sees him??? WHAT!!!
<I agree with your words of truth!

<Mother of Gina Dejesus has not forgiven Castro! She is just giving lip service. If someone kidnapped, raped, tortured, beat, & impregnated my little girl, "I would want Castros head on a chopping block!" I would be outraged and I would not be anywhere near forgiveness yet. Unfortunately, she has probably heard that it is the Christian thing to do….forgive! I heard this in many churches. They were pushing me to forgive, because God says, "Forgive or my blessings will be cut short", or "God will not forgive me, if I don't forgive others." Blah Blah Blah! A person needs to process or express emotions to forgive a person.
It baffles me that people throw the bible and forgiveness scriptures at people and dismiss all of psychology and the human psyche, as if we were robots or something!
The people touting this type of nonsense probably haven't forgiven the kid who punched them in the 5th grade!
P.S. God prefers we truly forgive offenses in a legitimate manner and not just pay lip service (Verbal expression of agreement or allegiance, unsupported by real conviction or action; hypocritical respect) ! Enough Said……..

I agree with what you say about Nancy Ruiz, how can she honestly forgive him now? Don’t get me wrong, I know she suffered, but her daughter is back now… & while I don’t want to minimize the pain and terror she must have endured after her daughter was taken, I just feel like now that her daughter is home and you actually KNOW WHO IT IS YOU FORGAVE, it seems wrong. She found out much more than she bargained for I’m sure. I don’t think it would be crazy to sort of back up a minute and say let me think about this again… or even to say it’s not about me now, it’s about supporting my daughter who went through more than I may ever even know about… and I’m here for her to support her in her healing… at her own pace.

=let me think about this again… or even to say it’s not about me now, it’s about supporting my daughter who went through more than I may ever even know about… and I’m here for her to support her in her healing… at her own pace.

Loudest Silence, Your words have really resonated with me. I never thought about the fact that it is not about the mother (forgiving the perpetrator at this point). It is about supporting her daughter and what she went through!
She has NOT supported her daughter in an appropriate manner. If I were her daughter, and I went through all of that horrific abuse, and my mom said, ” I forgive CASTRO and if I saw him, I would hug him.” I would feel so small, unloved, hated, depressed (suicidal) and like I must forgive and get over what has been done to me…..my dear mom has forgiven. THIS IS AN AWFUL MESSAGE. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE JUST GO TO COUNSELING FOR THE ILLS OF SOCIETY INSTEAD OF PLACATING (ALLAYING THE ANGER OF OR APPEASING (To bring peace, quiet, or calm) their hurts and harms in inappropriate ways! This mother and her daughter need to be in counseling for a good amount of time to heal and go on as healthy people.

Yes Lull. Good points. It seems to me that the daughter is really the only one right now who holds the right to forgive or not to forgive him. It’s her right, not her mother’s. Her mother sort of took her daughter’s dignity when she said that publicly.

“Her mother sort of took her daughter’s dignity when she said that publicly.”

This mother should have let her daughter, who suffered cruel, sadistic abuse for 10 years initiate the “forgiveness” language in the media for the sake of her daughter’s unspoken feelings. It was inconsiderate.

Loudest Silence,
My son was sexually assaulted by a man 80 years old who lives in my neighborhood. After my son told me and the police, what this man did to him, I was filled with rage. I had thoughts of running him over with my car when I saw him outside. My spouse said he wanted to put a bullet through his head. We were outraged! I stayed with this rage for about a month. I felt like it was eating me up from the inside out. I was forced to do some introspection and anger releases at home in appropriate ways. I then forgave him but it took a while and I did not tell my son I forgave him. I don’t think he ever needs to know that. I did not tell my son to forgive this man either. I feel like he will do it when it is ready and I will help him with the process. I want to make sure I am not harming his psyche in any way. Forgiveness offered to soon can do more harm than good.
My son was also sexually assaulted by some (so called) friends whom he insisted on being around. I felt rage and un-forgiveness towards them also. One day they were in the street talking, I began speeding towards them in my car and I stopped or skidded to a stop to scare them. I got out of my car, fist balled up and I was ready for a fight. I told them, one of you put your damn hands on my son, I don’t like it, if it happens again, I will ___ ____ ___ etc. My body shook all over as I spoke and my legs were trembling. I was about to hit one of them and the younger boy said, GOT IT! He said it very loud and I came to my senses and woke up. I was glad he did that. I was out of control!!!!
Case and point: This mother of Gina Dejesus must not be human or she is emotionally dead. When someone harms your innocent child, it evokes all kinds of hate, bitterness and even thoughts of murder. I had to go to counseling and so did my son to get our life back on track. I am glad we did!

Just another reason for people to not trust people of any age. Some people say, “oh, he’s old now, he wouldn’t abuse kids anymore” and they allow a child around a man who had abused kids when he was younger.

“I cannot understand how in hell Nancy Ruiz ( mother of Gina DeJesus) can come out publicly and say SHE forgives Castro & would actually hug him if she sees him??? WHAT!!!…”

I agree Lull. It seems to be more for show, or from a robot-like forgiveness. I say this because she is willing to hug him when she sees him. If she just spoke of forgiveness, and did it through grief and even anger…then I would believe that her forgiveness is based in truth. but she seems to be saying it for self-aggrandizement, not from a loving, God-like place.

>but she seems to be saying it for self-aggrandizement, not from a loving, God-like place.

wow. I agree with you so much. The fact that she spoke up and out and said something so unloving and unsympathetic speaks millions. It is as if she is not the mother of Gina Dejesus. She does seem to be coming from a place of making herself appear great or powerful. This is why I am such a big fan of counseling. This mom has probably experienced some shame and she may be trying to escape it in inappropriate ways. It can be quite daunting to have all her friends and neighbors know about her daughter’s story. However, I am not excusing her behavior…for the sake of Gina Dejesus and all sexually abused ……

She is coming from a place of self-aggrandizement for show in the media. If that were my daughter who had been kidnapped and raped for 10 years, I would be so angry that I would want to put a bullet in his head after I casterated him with a dull knife.

This judge got it right! Blame the criminal for his behavior and lock him up till he dies because he has no remorse for his victims and the cruelty they suffered because of his premeditated evilness.

I don’t believe for a minute that Castro’s addiction to porn caused him to inflict so much horrendous cruelty on those girls. He is a monster. He enjoys torturing young women and girls, like the sadist he is, as his main source of pleasure. Now, he is stopped permanently. His entertainment in jail will be to “relive” his hideous crimes till he dies. He will savor every memory of his pleasure when he tortured and raped those girls. Castro has no remorse and the judge is not fooled by this man’s “confessions,” excuses, and lies.

I agree that, “Move on and let go of the past” is cruel advice from Elizabeth Smart considering the magnitude of the suffering that these women have endured at the hands of a homicidal rapist monster who enjoyed honing his sadist skills on his captives.

What exactly are you trying to not “say” here? Are you saying don’t put him in a basement & turture, rape and starve him for 10 years? If so, I totally agree… he might enjoy that.

No… don’t do to him what he did to them, and let him live. He should be hung, as that is actually much more humane, not to mention way cheaper than paying for him to live and be fed, etc, until he is 90. But, hey, he’s a happy guy… he gets to relive fantasies of the last decade. There must be several thousand memories he can pick from between the three of these poor women, right?

Our society is so backwards that I sometimes wonder if everyone is insane. Everyone freaks out about issues that should be less relevant and no one worries about abused/neglected children, who often grow up to become Castro’s (a big problem for society). In fact, you rarely hear about the millions of children who are beaten, starved, molested, raped, and even murdered each year. For every Amanda Berry, Gina Dejesus and Michelle Knight, there are dozens of children who are right now trapped in horrific and insane conditions, but no one cares about that. The response of society is so controlled by the narcissists and sociopaths that the innocent have no idea what is good advice and what is not. Experts and professionals started a trend of “stop blaming and move on with your life” but that is much easier said than done, therefore placing even more burden on the victim. Who is to say that “blaming” someone is unhealthy? A “guilty” person surely started that trend. If we started holding people responsible for their very bad behavior (blaming), maybe then things would start changing for the better. Until that happens the poor victims are blaming themselves while the narcissists and sociopaths are telling them to stop blaming the offenders. I for one am sick and tired of the media, the narcissists, and the sociopaths controlling the thought patterns of our world, but it is difficult for many to think outside that tightly closed box. “Group think” is dangerous and has enabled child abuse/neglect to continue at epidemic levels.

Yes, I needed to blame my abusers for sexually abusing me in order to get in touch with my hurt, anger and fears. I think what people are trying to say and don’t usually say it very well is don’t stay stuck in the blaming stage of anger. If you do, you risk never looking at your own issues and you stay in the victim mode too long. No I was not to blame for my own sexual abuse. I had to give that shame back to my dad and my uncle where it belonged. I had to acknowledge what was done to me and by whom it was done. If I get stuck in the you did this to me stage, I might never move on to the stage of healing of what can I do to let go of the anger, hurt and fear. Taking responsibility for my own healing is important. My abusers are never going to and they don’t want me to either. It is heartless to tell a survivor to let go and to move on when they are in the initial stages of healing. It can also be a form of denial. Denial just allows the abuse to happen again. Letting go of the blame doesn’t mean I am telling my abusers to keep doing what they did to me to another child. They are responsible for what they did. I need to focus on what I can change and make healthy in me. I have to feel all of my pain before I can transform it and let go of it. That is not an easy process or an instant one. It took years to feel everything that was stuffed inside so that I could survive the incest that happened to me for over 6 years of my childhood. It may have been a lot longer than 6 years but 6 years is all of the memories that I have of incest happening. I started healing in 1989. At the time I had a number of people telling me to forgive and get on with my life. All those people did was add more pain and confusion to my issues. I couldn’t forgive for many years and I felt guilty about it until one day I asked God to take the forgiveness into His hands. I left it with God until I had processed enough of my pain and watched it go away as the healing happened. It isn’t all gone today but enough has that I can live a pretty good life and not hurt anyone, including myself, with my anger. Forgiveness doesn’t say the incest never happened, it did. I will never deny that it happened ever again. For 10 years I pretended that the incest wasn’t affecting me and it just added more hurt and anger on to the original that I had to work thru and heal. Denial does not work. Forgiveness does not say the abusers are not responsible. They are always responsible for what they did. They will be responsible until the day that I die. The child is never responsible for incest happening. Forgiveness means my abusers no longer have any control over my feelings or my life. That is true freedom and those 3 young ladies are years away from that kind of freedom. Most people that tell you to get over it and move on are in one of two categories, in my opinion. They are possibly survivors themselves with issues that they want to pretend never happened or they are abusers. There is a third rare category that are just too ignorant that abuse happens and again they want to stay ignorant rather than be of help to the survivors. Sorry about the length of this reply. I am just now learning about narcissists and suspect my dad may have been one. I do believe he was a sociopath. He never seemed to feel any guilt or regret for the things he did. I remember one afternoon my grandmother feel and broke a bone in her arm. My remember the fury and the cursing that my dad did because he had to take her to the hospital instead of the fishing trip he had been planning. I can only imagine the way my grandmother felt hearing his complaints and shouting. I always thought of him as a dictator. He had to control everything. He may have been abused as a child by his alcoholic dad but that will never excuse what he did to me and to my mother and siblings. We are all responsible for our actions. A few children who were abused do grow up to abuse others but there are many of us who do not so don’t use the excuse to me that you were abused as a child.

I think what people are trying to say and don’t usually say it very well is don’t stay stuck in the blaming stage of anger. If you do, you risk never looking at your own issues and you stay in the victim mode too long.