Internet Home Of The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Muslim suicide bombers in
Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the
number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al
Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last
Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber
would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only
60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union,
the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a
statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for
strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for
much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in
Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief
executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns,
but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply
not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity
there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight
choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting
wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to
blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union
in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian
continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there
are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop
in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish
singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks
like they are not so keen on going to paradise.