If my journalism classes taught me nothing, at least I’m good on deadline. Running out the door on my way to an event early in the morning, I predicted the Week 12 slate in less than 30 seconds and was rewarded with an 11-4 record. Now I’ll proceed to swing and miss on every Thanksgiving game. I feel like this is a Scantron test and I’m trying to find the teacher’s pattern. Are the answers really all ‘B’?

One of these home teams will fuck it up. Let’s play the guessing game…

Bears @ Lions

Chicago sucks. Jay Cutler’s emotional state is somewhere between not giving a fuck and just looking like he’s not giving a fuck. It’s fitting that he’s most successful when lofting 50/50 passes to Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery. The Bears beat the lowly Buccaneers and last year’s miracle worker Josh McCown in Week 12, but Chicago’s success came from feeding Matt Forte the fucking football. His yards per carry suffered, but Forte’s 23 rushing attempts was only the third time he’s topped 20+ carries in a game—and the second time was the previous week’s 26 rushes in a win against Minnesota. Cutler needs to be in a balanced offense. If he’s asked to win the game, Cutler will fuck it up. After almost a decade in the NFL, it is Cutler’s DNA. But he can be the quarterback of a winning team if he’s only asked to make a few plays here while just making consistently smart decisions. Detroit’s stout defense will pressure Cutler and the Bears will be in big trouble if Forte is bottled up. Anything is possible in a Thanksgiving game, but most of the possible outcomes point to embarrassment for Chicago. What’s the over/under for Cutler INTs?

Win: Detroit Lions

Eagles @ Cowboys

Dallas nearly dicked themselves last week by losing to New York. If the Giants almost took advantage of Dallas, then the Cowboys will find their hands full this week against the Eagles. Mark Sanchez has been playing like Mark Sanchez as of late, which is to say, not very well. Since this is a Thanksgiving game, Mark Sanchez might run face first into his own lineman’s ass just for shits and giggles.

Yep, this is the 2-year anniversary of that much celebrated occasion that Mark Sanchez gave himself stinkface. Despite his surrounding cast, I cannot in good faith support Philadelphia in this game. And I hate the Cowboys. It’s a Thanksgiving tradition to root against Dallas. Unless DeMarco Murray’s kneecap flies off or someone takes a turkey carver to his ACL, the Cowboys should be able to outscore the Eagles.

Win: Dallas Cowboys

Seahawks @ 49ers

White people are afraid of Richard Sherman. At least that’s why I think everyone claims to find him funny. Either Richard Sherman is a giant fan of philosopher Guy Debord and his theory on the spectacle or Sherman is just afraid to address NFL hypocrisy in an authentic setting. Regardless, I’ll admit it did take balls for Sherman to say one dissenting word about The National Football League. What’s the upside? If the Seahawks lose to San Francisco on Thanksgiving, then the stuffy old white people will surely come out of the woodworks to blame Sherman for being a distraction. Since the 49ers have no home-field advantage in their new denim stadium, I’ll take the tortoise (Russell Wilson) instead of the hare (Colin Kaepernick).