SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I feel as though I never get to a point of being happy, and lately wonder if R is really worth it. WH thinks he is doing everything right, and while I agree that he is doing more now than before, it just isn't enough. I feel stuck in a place of pretending to be happy, and don't know how much longer I can do it.

He has not given me a timeline, claiming that he can't remember any dates from the 2.5 year affair. He can't remember when they first became physical, telling me at different times that it was July, May, January, and now March. We live in New England, and they made out in bar parking lots - either it was cold or hot, he wore shorts or not . . .
I want details - he claims he can't remember anything. I am really starting to think that this is a deal breaker for me. Has anyone been able to move on without getting any answers? Or found a way to really express to your WH why this information is so important? I feel like he hid 2.5 years of his life from me, and continues to hide it by not telling me everything. I feel like he is still keeping secrets with her, even if he isn't in contact with her, by keeping all of the details to himself. And is he still in contact with her? He has taken the A underground twice now - how can I believe it isn't happening again?

I want "me" back, the person who could laugh and have fun, who could focus on a book or tv show without it reminding me of the A. I don't want to live every day constantly thinking of the A, of the OW, and wondering what my husband is doing today. But, I read posts on here about how devastated people's kids are by separations and divorces, and know my own kids would feel the same. I hate being put into this position.

Sorry, just needed to vent. Very few people IRL know about WH's affairs, and I feel like I say all of this to him all the time, with no results. I am beyond frustrated, but don't know how to change anything without it having a huge impact on my kids' lives.

BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013

mchercheur♀ 37735Member # 37735

Posted: 8:04 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013

(((RedRose)))

WH thinks he is doing everything right, and while I agree that he is doing more now than before, it just isn't enough.

I totally get this. I am in a very similiar situation.
One thing that has hit me today is that healing from this trauma takes a long long time. I will have to decide if I can be patient.

Having a good MC really helps.

I want "me" back, the person who could laugh and have fun, who could focus on a book or tv show without it reminding me of the A. I don't want to live every day constantly thinking of the A, of the OW, and wondering what my husband is doing today. But, I read posts on here about how devastated people's kids are by separations and divorces, and know my own kids would feel the same. I hate being put into this position.

It's not fair that you or your kids were put in this position. But you were.
We BSs have a lot of things to weigh,it is not an easy decision.
Sending you strength.

I am sorry you are feeling this frustration. You are not alone, but that doesn't change the fact this is so painful.

It is NOT fair BS are charged with operating more logically after our spouses A, taking into consider way more then the WS did while in their A, but this is the truth.

Who on this site would not give their right arm to have had their WS stop and really weigh the consequences of their actions BEFORE we discovered it....then subjected to more pain as A continued and TTing and the Fog rolled in?

I temper my selfish reactions to the unfair state of this situation by thinking of those even less deserving of this pain...our kids.

It really sucks for our kids. My wife never did, never had to really consider the harm and danger her actions put them in (or her AP 5 kids) due to the lies that established her A in the first place...I remember her proudly pronouncing that yes, she walked out on me...but she would NEVER do that to her girls. This is the logic of a WS and is part of the boundary-less and lie-filled world that they created for themselves.

Talk about unfair....our kids have been negatively affected by her A and our subsequent arguing, pain, distractions from them, and general struggles.

On the surface it appears the WS and AP got something out of it....a very erotic, animalistic, vibrant escape from reality.....in my case, sex with a virtual stranger...a new sex partner for my wife (we were each others firsts)....and some light easy conversation. My wife contends no deep discussions were shared between her and her AP...it was just easy, freeing, comfortable.

Okay...so thats what I THINK was gained by my wifes A.

In order for her to have gained that it cost her a considerable amount. I cant list it, as only she knows the pain her A caused her. But I can tell you it was s dreadful price.

Would she do it again? No, probably not. Is the price she paying enough for her to really invest in changing and working on herself? That is the big question I believe most BS ask themselves almost daily.

Back to your core post....

I never got a timeline either. I never made it a must-have item, asked tons of questions, poured over emails and text times and dates and put together a decent one....but it was like pulling teeth....I actually thought it might materialize as my wife gained empathy, felt remorse...or maybe as she did one to try and sort out the mess that is her A....just by talking with her she is not clear on major items, such as the week it went physical. It sucks, but I have accepted this is as good and as processed as this part of our life together will ever be.

No need to apologize for a vent....I am grateful for this site so that we have a place to do just that.

Adultery, unlike any other struggle in life, is very much one that has to be done quietly and in private. Oh, people would find this very interesting conversation, would love to hear the scoop...but the reaction and advice would differ tremendously.

If we were fighting cancer....the response would be similar from complete strangers as well as your Mom...very supportive, encouraging, sympathy and empathy. When we deal with adultery...the response covers the spectrum from Leave the Bastard to....The Bible says to Love unconditionally....and everything in between.

I'm with you. My WH has been nice, pretty much here, but just not giving me all I need to recover. He is still evasive with his phone & email. I just don't know what, if anything, to believe. I, too, just want my old life back. I don't think there's been a minute I haven't thought about A in the past 2 months & I'm tired. I feel pitiful & "controlled" by the hold this has on me. Meanwhile, he's being altogther so-so. Why do they get to live, laugh & evade while we suffer? Especially if they aren't doing all they can to help us heal..

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013

Marathonwaseasy♀ 40674Member # 40674

Posted: 2:36 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013

I didn't get the full details from fwh until he read the healing library letter from Joseph. I can't do links but it's brilliant. Had a profound effect on him.
An A is all about the secrets and lies and this is a habit waywards need to break
One thing I recently read was the association between FOO cultures of secrets and lies and future infidelity.
I hope your spouses can break this habit soon redrose and runningfrompain