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26 days ago, I set up this blog. 26 days ago I had no idea that I would find such a kind and supportive community on wordpress. 26 days ago, I had no idea that I would start to feel compelled to blog at random points throughout my day. I had no idea that sharing my successes on this blog would make me proud. I had no idea that when I felt discouraged or disappointed, that this blog would help me work through it all, and give me a sense of clarity.

But 26 days ago, I felt a lot more hopeful that I do now. I need that clarity right now.

26 days ago, I felt I could take on the world. 26 weeks ago, you were my best friend. Remember you said you’d never hurt me? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Have you?

I’ve always been one to put myself under a lot of pressure. It’s not always the healthiest of mindsets, it makes me have quite a hard time when I feel I have failed, or let myself down. But I’ve learned to move past these perceived failures pretty quickly, and learned to see them as opportunities to learn from what went wrong, or learned to form some new perspectives, to become more accepting of myself because I am not perfect.

But what do I do when I can’t move past them? What do I do when I can’t dismiss the failures and inadequacies I see in myself as my mind playing tricks on me? What do I do when other people point them out to me on a regular, if not daily, basis? What if the idea that I’m not good enough is constantly reinforced by the people around me?

I’ve been asking myself these questions all week. Because I genuinely don’t know any more. The people you surround yourself with should build you up, not kick you when you’re down. The obvious solution to all this would be to simply leave the people who don’t make me feel good about myself behind. I’m not sure I can do that though, because in my head, there are 20 good memories in the past for every bad memory with them right now. And these memories are so entangled and intertwined with my perceptions of the people in them that I really can’t straighten them out enough to look at the facts. I can’t decide if I need them, or if I need to get rid of them. And I can’t shake off the knowledge that I would never have made any of them feel like this. And I was always there when they needed me, when they were not ok. Even when I was not ok myself.

26 days ago, I felt I could take on the world. 26 weeks ago, you were my best friend. Remember you said you’d never hurt me? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Every time you open your mouth.