Annie: Reader should scale back friendship with SIL for self preservation

DEAR ANNIE: My sister-in-law, “Robyn,” is also a dear friend who has been part of my life for 20 years. Robyn is now in her 50s and has two children — one by a married man who dumped her, and the other by a loser who abandoned her. Robyn finally married a stable co-worker, but they divorced after six years. Since then, she has dated a lot, but the relationships never work out, and she always has some kind of crisis.

The problem is, she asks for my opinion, but when I am not supportive, she stops talking to me. I’m tired of it. I can’t work up the energy to care anymore, and I no longer want to be involved in her drama. Her current beau is a guy who was convicted of stalking his ex-girlfriend and breaking into her home. I told Robyn this relationship is doomed, but she said she was not interested in my unsolicited opinion and I should not contact her again

Robyn often stops speaking to me, and I’ve had enough. I miss our friendship, but don’t want to be her punching bag. If dating these losers makes her happy, that is her choice, but I am hurt that she once again has turned away from me because she knows I am right. When she decides to rekindle our friendship, is it OK if I choose not to speak to her? — See the Forest for the Trees

DEAR FOREST: Sure, but it seems a little spiteful, especially if you are hoping to one day be friends again. Instead, scale back enough to be less aggravated. If, after all these years, Robyn does not realize that she makes rotten choices, your criticisms will only make her dig in her heels. In order to change, she would likely need therapy. Stop offering your opinion. If she demands it, tell her she is a big girl now and can make her own decisions. Her mistakes are not yours to fix.

DEAR ANNIE: Can you suggest a way to ask houseguests to wash their hands after using the bathroom and before working in the kitchen? My family is very conscientious about basic hygiene, and we are uncomfortable with guests who don’t wash hands like we do. — Los Alamos, N.M.

DEAR LOS ALAMOS: You could post a cute sign asking people to remember to wash, but beyond that, you cannot be the Bathroom Police. Keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in the kitchen, and whenever guests enter, insist on giving them a spritz. Tell them you’re a bit of a germaphobe and it’s required for everyone.

DEAR ANNIE: I wholeheartedly disagree with your advice to “Confused,” whose brother’s wife and sister’s husband had an affair.

Snubbing their spouses would be no less hurtful for the siblings than if she just stayed away. In fact, it’s better if she stays home. That way, her family can enjoy a pleasant day without the constant reminder of the past that Confused’s uncivil behavior would generate.

The parents have obviously accepted their children’s decisions to stay in their marriages and have moved past the pain. They attend family events with decorum. Why can’t “Confused”? If she persists in making things difficult for her siblings, she will find herself on the outside looking in. — M.

DEAR M.: A lot of readers agree with you, and we suspect part of the problem was our use of the word “snubbing.” Many readers interpreted that to indicate nastiness, when it is just the opposite. Social snubbing means behaving with extreme politeness, while remaining slightly aloof. It is an acceptable form of reproach when someone has behaved terribly.

The siblings (and parents) have many reasons to forgive the spouses, but it is not realistic to expect everyone else to be so generous. And “Confused” cannot learn to accept these mended relationships if she refuses to be present at family events that will allow her to do so.