The Naked Truth

i don't know about you, but i get tired of the same old shit, and i'm about deafened by the bleating of the sheep .... i swear to god, i could use some silence from the lambs about now, but no, the wooly din is non-stop interminable and ..... i don't want to say i told you so, but ..... i told you so ..... look, herewith my deathless and timeless lyrical insight into the ovine american psyche, and the manipulative venal forces that run us bleating to the pen, where we're shorn:

"now why would you think freedom’s being flushed down the drain unless you’ve recently tried to get on a plane ....but this shouldn’t come to you as any great news: remember the fuck who set fire to his shoes? it frightened us so much that we couldn’t get to sleep but that’s just what happens in a nation of sheep; because along comes this guy (and some called him insane) who, dropping his drawers after boarding a plane, he pulled out some matches; setting fire to his shorts, he screamed, “i’ll kill us all with my flammable farts!” now pre-boarding procedures are like a ritual dance for those unfortunate passengers who pull down their pants as highly trained operatives who (like sniffing good scotch) inhale the musk of a redolent crotch etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. ......"

jesus ..... this is from my immortal album "beyond help!" which i released to thunderous acclaim back in ...... mmmmm ..... was it '04? when i hoped to prevent the foundering of the electoral ship of state? like it really makes a difference? and, speaking of being prescient, here's from the same album:

when i wrote that people said "nuh-uh, pete; tom cruise is single! he doesn't have a wife!" but ... ha ha ... i knew better; wait and see, i said, just wait and see--not only will tom cruise get another good looking wife but jen's gonna do lotsa stuff that i couldn't give a fuck about but we'll hear about endlessly ..... (lyrics copyright peter kaukonen; use by permission only)

maybe you can explain something to me .... please .... help me understand how conservatives can oppose the government's involvement in providing universal health care to the population--which would keep us safe--while demanding that we take off our clothes and bend over before we can get on a plane which, they maintain, will keep us safe .... i don't get it; we're bombing the shit out of wedding parties in afghanistan with remote controlled drones and satellite surveillance, terrorists have exploding boxer shorts ..... there seems to be some kind of technological imbalance here ...... and i've looked: i can't find exploding briefs at macy's, no matter how hard i look .....

there's one bright ray of sunshine in this whole preposterous affair, the most inane--aside from exploding underwear--aspect being that obama's being held accountable for situations that occurred long before he took office ..... we can hold obama accountable for lots of things, not the least of which is military expansion that should have republicans tearing their tiny peepees off their bodies in a masturbatory frenzy at the thought of the profit potential for their war profiteering cronies but .... yemen? the cole? that was .... mmmmm ...... october 12, 2000 ..... wasn't that during the reign of Bush The Incredibly Dumber? at least when we invade yemen we're going to get to fight a "war" in a country that's far easier to get around in than afghanistan .....

and we need a new war to distract us from how we've fucked up the old ones, wouldn't you say? i think it's time we actually won a war; i mean, we're still fighting the War on Drugs .... does this mean people on drugs are kicking our ass? fuck it, let's invade .... mmmmm ...... disneyland's too well protected; let's invade monaco; it's a small country, it's easy to get to, and it doesn't have an army .... and, when we take over the casinos, it'll pay for itself!

we hear so much about "intelligence failures;" i don't think they're talking about republicans being stupider than cowshit drying in a field, or democrats who theoretically could define policy with a senate majority but are falling all over themselves to betray their constituencies--like women--to corporate interests .... jesus .... intelligence failures run rampant in this country, john mccain a presidential candidate being just one example, sarah palin a vice-presidential contender being another .... still, why is so little mention made of the massive failures of intelligence that resulted in, among other things, the attack on the twin towers and the illegal immoral unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation that posed us no threat whatsoever (IIUIOASNTPUNTW)--if the shrill hysteria about "weapons of mass destruction" wasn't a failure of intelligence on the part of our "leaders" and our "media," then howdy doody really should be president--he's personable, he's telegenic and, most important, his jaws move when the unseen powers shove their hands up his ass and make them move .....

i read over some of my old editorials and wasn't surprised to see how on-target they were, or how incredibly brilliantly prescient i've been; it's no satisfaction to me, neither did cassandra get any satisfaction from being right and right on, time and time again ..... but i haven't been idle during my sabbatical; in my next column i will explain to you the correlation between anti-abortion movements, corporate personhood, and cancer .....

like you couldn't tell 'em apart, right?

meanwhile, i'm planning my next air travel .... it's always interesting, going through the metal detectors with two titanium shoulders, plus i figure i fit the terror profile to a "t": aging alternative icon, heavily tattooed, long grey hair, balding on top, wearing leather and chasing two five year olds ..... next time i'm just cutting right to the end of the chase: