Those of us who don’t own a $2,300+ toilet with a Bluetooth connection that interfaces with an Android phone are at risk of suffering at least three great injustices when we go to the bathroom.

1. We (sometimes) have to raise one or more toilet seats with our hands. Usually this involves applying slight upward force to one or two layers of toilet seat. (The topmost layer generally has no hole in it. The second layer generally has a hole in it.)

2. We (sometimes) have to flush the toilet with our hands. Usually this involves applying slight downward force to a small lever.

3. Cleanliness! This is (sometimes) a manual task.

A Japanese company called Lixil hopes to end such injustices with the Satis line of smart toilets, which The Verge reports “will be available in three models as of February 2013, with prices ranging from ¥199,500 to ¥389,550 (approximately $2,385 to $4,657).”

Proud/lucky/superior owners of this toilet will be able to interact with it by using a companion Android app called My Satis. The app features controls to raise and lower the toilet seat, flush the toilet and – wait for it – “activate a bidet jet stream with the touch of a button,” says The Verge.

When you’re not actively using the toilet, you’ll be able to view stats about how often you’ve been going to the bathroom and how much water you’ve been using – a toilet diary, if you will. And when you get within range of the toilet, it’ll know who you are based on your phone’s Bluetooth chip and can automatically adjust certain settings to your liking.

“But what about music?” you ask indignantly. Of course the toilet has built-in speakers.

“Okay, but can it estimate the portion of my water bill as it pertains to this toilet?” you ask, your voice now squeaking with the potent combination of jealousy, technolust and nerd-rage. Yes, it does that too.

“SURELY IT CAN’T TELL IF I’M STANDING OR SITTING!” you bellow, your chin quivering as you pound both your sweaty fists on your desk. Your eyes well up with tears. You know the answer, yet you don’t want to believe it.

Yes. Yes it can. The app will display different controls based on whether it senses you standing or sitting. You slump down in your chair, defeated. “I suppose the app even has a defecation recording option that lets me choose the shape, color and consistency of my poo,” you whimper.