The Smell Of Stale Urine

Before commencing with this weeks results round up I should point out that the title of this posting has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Well, OK I was listening Coldplay by accident last night and was reminded that a Gallagher or two referred to them as music for bed wetters. So disconcerted was I that I had listened to Coldplay, even if it was an unpleasant accident, I promptly pissed in my pants and have been stewing in my own foulings ever since.

29/08/2011

The friendly team lost to Long Ashton by a few wickets.

Ev and ‘Lil Lilly had been driving home from Cornwall when he had a blow out on the M5 just outside Taunton. No, this was not a slap up meal with all the trimmings and a free stoop of diethylene glycol enhanced vino, the tyre on his car exploded. From this point on every decision the traumatised Ev made was a stinker. First he picked Grove who only scored 1, second despite all the other cars getting to Long Ashton with ease Ev found a route that required sitting in standing traffic for half an hour. Third he opened the batting with DC2 who broke a knuckle but manfully completed the game bowling at the death. Fourth he ran out our most steady batsman, fifth he ran out our hardest hitting batsman… and so it went on.

We lost in the last over as the foe knocked off the runs in the dark.

Garner spent the whole match complaining he was feeling a little weary after his exertions lifting concrete into a skip. In reality it was a night spent on his allotment imbibing parsnip sherry with Wee Al that did for him. So tired was he that after the game he shunned another evening with any of the other three Horse Riders and opted instead for a few light ales in the company of little Jimmy Pitcher at a bar frequented by the uncertain.

30/07/2011

The Saturday Team beat Whitchuch by 4 wickets. TT has as usual done an excellent write up, however before we get to his missive I would like to add a few ill judged words of my own.

In 1984 Duran Duran split into two side projects: the melodic synth duo Arcadia and Power Station who developed a harder edged sound. One of the Power Station’s songs of their eponymous titled début album as called Go To Zero, and the lyric went thus:

I do this and I do that and when it’s cold I wear a hat it’s mostly cold

It pays to advertise they say I’ll keep my hat on anyway or so I’m told

Absolute crap I am sure you will agree. Anyway to cut a long preamble short Grove continued the theme of the night before and got a golden duck chipping a leg-side wide to square leg as the Cowboys slumped to 19 for 4 (including 2 LBWs, how generous we are but the ICC never send us telegrams congratulating us on our sportsmanship) in reply to the foe’s 154. Kalu for the third week running demonstrated that he has failed to learn the cultural significance to an Englishman of the batting collapse as he ripped through the foe’s bowling with a brutal assault. All this after already getting 3 for 17 while bowling. Ev hung onto Kalu’s coat tails in an epic stand of 108 which should go down in Cowboys legend since as they passed the 100 landmark Ev had made 15 and with not many sundries to be had Kalu accounted for the rest.

While Kalu played a devastating yet stylish innings Grove took a little comfort from the fact that Kalu was wearing his shoes. For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name, he marks – not that you won or lost -but who’s shoes you wear wearing.

Ev almost managed to run Kalu (who’s shoes were chaffing) out to make it 3 run outs in two days. The appeals from the foe’s throats were replied by a decision of not out by young Iggy Higgins. The scenes that followed would have made M S Dhoni blush as one of the foe accused Iggy of cheating. As the pundits can bask in what will be remembered as a great sporting gesture from one God to another at Trent Bridge we mortals at the coal face smile through gritted teeth while petty insults are thrown as we umpire as best we can. For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name, he marks – not that you won or lost -but how much you pissed the opposition off.

Garner spent the whole match complaining he was still feeling a little weary after his exertions lifting concrete into a skip (bloody strong stuff that parsnip sherry). Budge, for comic affect bumped Garner up the order just for the joy of watching him have to scamper a few quick singles. For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name, he marks – not that you won or lost -but how much your team mates laughed at you.

Anyway here is the same thing written with more grace by TT:

The Saturday XI played away against Whitchurch 3rd XI but neither went to Whitchurch nor recognized the team as being their 3rd XI. Arriving in good time at Peasedown St John with a bowler-heavy side, Joe won the toss and elected to bowl.

He and RobT opened the attack, both often beating the bat, the former tightly economical, the latter having the batsmen plum LBW, although unfortunately the umpire didn’t concur. The following ball possibly wasn’t LBW, but with Gordon Guilt sitting on his shoulder, the umpire raised his finger.

After shortened spells, Ev replaced Joe and last week’s most successful bowler replaced Rob, but the Whitchurch top order fought back, finding the short boundary and accelerating the run rate to around four an over. In fact, your correspondent returned his worst ever bowling figures for the Cowboys, just a week after his best, but such is the beauty and balance of cricket. Innit?

Joe eventually broke the partnership off Ev’s bowling by taking a great Cider Moment over-the-shoulder diving catch at mid-off and after Rog had had no luck with the ball, Kalu had a go, immediately causing problems and creating chances: He dismissed the No.3 & 4 batsmen both for 32, one to a good steady catch by Ev at long-off, the other to a sharp caught and bowled.

The ground fielding was at times a bit patchy given the good surface of the outfield: Later there were fines for unnecessary and sometimes unsuccessful use of feet and absent or less than well-timed dives. Still, Kalu tied the opposition down and compensated for runs lost elsewhere and the best was yet to come.

The last tool in the box, seventh bowler Garnier ceased his green woodpecker watching and whirred into action. In common with the straight hitting frequent in the innings, after a while the ball was bashed back into the nonchalant waiting hand of the bowler, exposing the tail.

It should be noted that not all bash-backs were successfully held; Justin being hit around the waistband at near point blank range, foolishly / wisely averting his eyes for a crucial second.

Kalu got his third wicket by bowling the batsman with a yorker / full toss, finishing with 3-17 from his eight overs, Angelo was rewarded for his safe keeping all afternoon with a snick off Garnier and the opposition weren’t looking like they’d last the full 40 overs with seven wickets down and less than 150 on the board.

Garnier then took two wickets in two balls, one to an LBW appeal and one to Ev’s safe hands, thereby presenting a hat-trick scenario. In what could be considered jug evasion the bowler then spewed the ball wide down the leg side, the anti-climax worthy of a Cider Moment nomination or two.

Ev mopped up the No.11 to restrict Whitchurch to a final 154 all out on the first ball of the 39th over, Garnier finishing with figures of 4-20 from six overs.

Tea was had, in a clubhouse now populated by refugees from another sport who had been giving vociferous support to the home side.

The volume increased as Justin and Grover opened the batting, getting louder still as Justin was soon out LBW, Grover toed a wide one for a catch first ball, Angelo succumbed LBW and Iggy – despite taking the attack to the bowlers and scoring three quick boundaries – was caught near the boundary. In terms of Cowboy collapses, 19-4 was pretty dire, fuelling the home supporters’ glee.

Ev and Kalu were now at the wicket, both steadying the ship, patching the damage to prevent submersion or submission. The bowling didn’t look anything special and it was vital not to lose another wicket to a bad ball.

Better bowling did come, but the pair slipped into their roles superbly and after early circumspection Kalu lashed out as Ev supported, defended and nudged. It was possibly the partnership of the season to date, cruising past fifty, always up with the run rate, taking the total towards and beyond a hundred as, not for the first time this season, home supporters were silenced and started to leave.

Kalu passed his second fifty of the month – and his Cowboy career – driving the field back with his expansive shots, enabling ones and two into the gaps and further frustrating the fielders, who had failed to take a couple of chances that had come their way. Some took their ire out on umpire Iggy, especially when he adjudged Kalu not run out.

The partnership reached a few runs past Nelson – to which Ev had contributed not much more than a dozen runs – until Kalu got a very audible nick behind for an excellent and very useful 83. Or did Ev go first for 19?

(Time for confession: Your correspondent forgot to take the scorebook out of the safe / picture frame to the match after his performance last week – for which he was naturally fined – and therefore some of the finer details are unclear)

At around 130-6 with just under ten overs to go, it was left to Joe and Garnier to maintain the advantage and steer the Cowboys home, which they did determinedly, with good running between the wickets and shot selection.

It had been a good game, better for the Cowboys than for Whitchurch and largely thanks to Man of the Match Kalu.

And so Sunday arrived, Garner slept off the affects of concrete shifting (and the parsnip sherry), the brave boys from the Sunday Teams dusted off their hang overs and used sophisticated navigation devices to return to The Plough (they followed the trail of bread crumbs). Two of the Sunday 1st Team however lost their way and phoned in sick (too much ginger bread) – bloody bad form. Ev was summoned to played his third game in three days, also Roger manfully stepped up to the plate and ate its contents.

This late change of personnel brought a victory with the 1st Team beating Blagdon by 3 wickets. Jef Mousse (the fertile plumber) dismissed 4 behind the stumps (that is not a euphemism) and young Ned Boulton got his 50.

It should be noted that not only did Ev do 3-in-3 but Justine and Angela did too; such manly men.