if i wasn't so sleep deprived i might have just gone ahead and taken the images from the links in the source code before i emailed Mija lol. The site is back up but the format is off so I need to speak to her about lining that back up. Until then you can still read it and we'll go from there later. see ya

Sorry ladies and gents. i know there aren't a ton of you reading still but there are some that swing by. i have been having more health issues lately and they have been tearing me up emotionally and physically. All i really want to do when i'm feeling bad is sleep and that's not the most ideal choice. i'm making it to work barely and taking care of things around the house as i can. Thankfully Daddy is very attentive and keeps an eye on me. i'm only up now because the medicine may have triggered a new side effect and caused some unanticipated bleeding. He insisted i go to the emergency room which i did and they can't fix it but did encourage me to see the GI like i had planned on doing. i'm just waiting for that to be set up by my PCP. It's exhausting feeling bad and not having a clue what is going on and it's making me feel useless sometimes. i haven't been keeping up with friends the way i want to either because really i have nothing to say but woo i'm sick lol. i'll try to do better with updates but i'm worried now and i don't really like that feeling. oh well at least mom is away visiting my niece so she's not hovering too. don't look forward to telling her about it though. night all, and please let me know what's going on with you guys.

i've been meaning to post just like i've been meaning to write a friend back for the last few weeks. i haven't gotten around to either because it feels like i'm coming out out of a fog. i finally went to the doctor and think we have fixed the initial thing that was causing most of my distress over the last year. they gave me something to fix something that they probably screwed up in the first place. i also got something for my migraines and a little bit of something for the pain that comes with them. however yesterday in the middle of day 2 of a migraine i took all the medication i was supposed to and it just made me sick. ended up watching it all come back out which was so not attractive. and at that moment Daddy was very sweet and good at taking care of me. He is very good at taking care of me when He knows what's wrong. and i can't expect Him to fix what i don't even know is wrong lol. i try not to but hey i'm not always perfect.

this whole living together thing still takes some getting used to, hell being together still takes some getting used to. we had a conversation the other day about how we show each other that we care and the things i need don't look anything like the things He needs. i probably seem needy to Him and maybe i am but it's how i'm made i guess. i just feel like right now i need this thing from Him i can't really name and since i can't name it i can't ask for it. it's slightly driving me nuts because i'm not used to not being able to speak something into being. i'm used to having more control over myself and right now i'm just all out of sorts. i don't like it very much.

on a totally unrelated note, go see Public Enemies. Johnny Depp does a fantastic job and i wasn't nearly as annoyed by Christian Bale as I thought I would be. and if you like music from that time period there is a great soundtrack, it most definitely aided the movie in parts and is worth having. ok i'm done for now. i'll be back soon i think.

It's been a stressful few days around here. Failure of ideals to match with reality causes inevitable struggle. So i have to stop sometimes and just look at what i really have and what is really going on in the world that is larger than me. This story is definitely one of those things that adds perspective to my random tantrum brain. If you're feeling sappy at all because you're missing your father today this may not be the story to read. Love you all and Happy Father's Day to all the men out there and the people that love them.

okay i so don't have anything to talk about. but i am paying to host this darn thing so i should at least get my money's worth. i am still feeling crappy off and on and this morning was definitely an on. i need to schedule a doctor's appointment tout suite so i'll try to do that this afternoon. i did schedule one that is unrelated to what's going on with me so i can pat myself on the back for that. i also checked on my despair.com order cause they hadn't issued my refund yet of which i was expecting a grand total of like 11.90. apparently though when they make a mistake they issue the amount of the item and shipping. so i get a free calendar--whenever it arrives they sorta have been delayed since they had more people respond than anticipated. anyhoo life is good, tired, mom is still nuts, we're still learning each other but we're having good conversations and well let's face it i'm just cute sometimes so it helps a lot lol. okay i hope all is well with everyone.

i'm not sure how long this post will be or if i'll even finish it right now. something came up this morning as a result of other things that had just been festering in my head. i am a worrier. i worry about money, i worry about my mother, i worry about my family, i worry about myself and my relationships. nothing super productive comes from it most times but every now and then i can convince myself that it does. i'm also a rambler so if you want cohesion of thought try one of the older smutty pieces.

i have been trying to ease up the worry a bit with Daddy in one regard by trying to stop Him from being everyone's superhero. Problem with that is He kinda likes that role and because of me it was causing Him a great deal of unnecessary stress. be it my occupational choice or my inherent nature but stress reduction on all fronts is my normal plan. that wasn't helpeful in this case and thus nothing was beneficial from the suggestion. He doesn't want me to worry about Him and the stress He brings upon Himself but can't actually do that so we'll need to come up with a plan b in that case. however, i apologized for my attempt to make His life easier this morning and i think we came to some sort of understanding there but the bigger issue in all of that really was--my underlying insecurity that i am not enough.

those of you still reading the blog know that through it's incarnation there have been three relationships chronicled here. for those of you that are reading and know me in real life you know that there have been plenty of failed relationships before those mentioned here. ones that ended because they decide to marry someone else. ones that have ended technically but at least one party (umm not me) forgets that and makes inappropriate suggestions from time to time. all of the endings left me wondering why i wasn't enough or didn't deserve what i was giving back in return.

so i look at Daddy now and i don't understand. and when i say that i really mean i don't understand why i'm enough. i mean i can be a royal pain in the ass in between my perfectly adorable moments. i have heard Him say it, shout it, damn near growl it to me that yes i was enough but any little thing--and it's always something little normally--can set the wheels to spinning and i'm a big old emotional mess. i am going to attempt to believe Him now instead of just hearing it cause He's right i don't seem to have ingested that to this point.

i realize i'm still growing in my submission and we're still growing in this relatively new relationship. our ways of doing things, no matter how much we have in common, just really aren't all that much alike. be it because we are different genders, grew up in different types of households or because of the roles we have with one another. those moments frustrate me but i can't prevent them i just need to learn to roll with them better because at the end of the day---no matter how cranky He might have made me, He's still what and who i want to be there every morning when i wake up. all right i think i've purged enough and you got more than one post this month ha ha.

i'm sorry guys, i've been in my head a lot lately. this monday will mark the eighth anniversary of my father's death and this year i have been particularly off my game so to speak. i'm not sure if it's because i don't have any other major stressors going on right now or if it is because there is a lot happening that i would love his input and advice on. Daddy and i aren't rushing toward the altar but it will be happening soon enough and i will miss my dad terribly. i always imagined him tickling me with his beard one last good time before i was left in the arms of someone else. if that were to happen all phantom like now i'm sure i'd run screaming from the church for a few moments cause well yeah creepy. i've been wondering if my brother misses my dad now that he has his daughter. i mean my sister in law has her mother and my mother to ask for advice if she'd like by dad isn't there for him and well that just sucks. plus i think my niece would love him as he chased her around and told her African fairy tales and fables like he told us when we were her size. this time of the year is always hard, we've got the anniversary followed a few short days by my brother's birthday, my father's birthday, and then father's day. it hasn't been this hard in a while though and i'm not sure what to make of it like i mentioned earlier. all is well and truthfully mom isn't bugging me nearly as much as normal so yeah for her. in other sad news two people i know, older women, have died recently and it made me kinda lonely. in some ways, even though i could say i hardly knew them well, they were more of what i daydreamed my mother would be like when i was under the misguided notion that you could change people all willy nilly. it made me look at my own relationship with my mom and i'm not always as patient as i could because i still feel cheated on some level. she spent mother's day mostly tipsy because she was missing her mom who died last year. i took care of her as best as i could but i realized then we'd never have the relationship either of us wanted no matter how calm things got between us. i'd never be as close to her as she was to her mother and there was no getting around that. as depressing as that sounds it was sort of a peace making moment in my head. we'd love each other the way we knew how and just keep it moving. me being somewhat tired helped i'm sure but i have to deal with my grown up life just like everyone else. i'll be working on that physician heal thyself (in my case therapist heal thyself) thing and can someone PLEASE get me motivated to shop that book around damn it.

i'll try to post again later tonight but while my head was throbbing and i was still stuck at my office i happened to go to AOL and see a link that caught my eye. it led me to the video that i'm putting in this post. i'm not sure if the build up was necessary but it certainly gave her a nice back story. if you haven't heard about this woman i'm sure you will in the near future. not sure what she'll be doing but i'm sure it will be equally impressive. enjoy and comment please if you do.

i should probably actually come blog while i'm thinking about it and not several days later. i tend to turn inside myself from time to time and mull things over in my head instead of just blurting it out. maybe 10 days ago, Daddy and i did exactly what i wanted---not because i wanted it that way it just happened that way---and it was amazing. i'm weird and i have certain things that make me calm and happy. i sincerely appreciate being wrapped up in His arms when i fall asleep. however, He's often up working long after i start snoring and i wake up at least once without Him next to me. it annoys me, the more it happens the more annoyed i get, i know not being a good subbie girl at all there. but i figure it's a simple request so what's the whoop. that one we're still working on but regardless, that night we chilled, watched a silly movie, talked and then well had some adult entertainment hee hee. i woke up smiling, work was great and i had to tell Him how much i adored Him when i got home just because i slept in His arms. a few nights later we repeated that sans movie i think and it was equally a nice night and one i was looking forward to being a regular occurrence. but then life kicked back up and we were back to separate schedules and irritation which led to a really nasty fight last night. i hate fighting i mean literally it throws me off because by the time i'm mad enough to argue i'm way past being reasonable. i was up late, was groggy when i had to get up for an appointment and to top it off my brain isn't resting well anyway because i'm on call and you just don't sleep well then. every now and then i feel like i'm being a brat and He told me i was throwing a tantrum--probably was but felt mighty justified--but i struggle with my place in His life. He's still adjusting to being with someone who is actually submissive which okay i understand may be hard----can't say for certain as i'm not a boy who would need to adjust to that----but i am who i am and i need to be guided and spend time with Him. it's hard for Him as well because He has responsibilities that i don't have and can't really contribute to but yeah i feel a little neglected from time to time. i need help, what do you all do when you can't really spend time together the way you want?

nothing much going on here. i have a little bit more free time coming up now that a major work obligation has been resolved and mom is out of town for the next month. just me and Daddy to ourselves and whatever trouble we can get ourselves into. i have to say that it has been a huge growth lesson for me having Him here everyday. not that it's been bad but i realize how much of my life i didn't really have to share with anyone because they couldn't reach out and touch me and test what i was saying or doing. not that i would lie but you know it's harder to hide bad moods or insecurity when someone can look you in your eyes and call you on it.

granted that has been a good thing lol. it's made me be more open with Him in a lot of ways. i don't sit on my emotions and get all worked up anymore. i say what i need to, He says whatever He needs to and then poof He's kissing me or tickling me or doing something else to make me smile. could life be better? of course but that would have required grabbing a lottery ticket on that long trek we made to the airport and back and well i just didn't feel like wasting cashing on such a long shot.

some little bratty kids messed with out outside faucet tonight so i'll be looking for a lock for it now. i saw them online but i don't feel like waiting for shipping. i think i still have some munchies thing happening. gonna go forage for food. i'll touch base soon.

lawd i didn't realize i hadn't posted in forever. life has been well it's been interesting since my last post. christmas was good and all, new years was anti-climatic but a few weeks after that things changed significantly in a good way. i did get my completely adorable aprons and Daddy loves them. yes He's seen them because He came back after my trip to New Orleans. we met at the airport that night and He's been all hugged up with me and hurting me and doing things to me lol since He got back. He's also been making nice with momma which hey can't fault that. He cooks a lot and picks me up from work from time to time which is ever so nice.

He is a stickler on the dress up things though so He hasn't seen all of the aprons, i ordered some more lol, cause i don't always feel like finding the shoes and the right hair and the right whatever else together in time. He will be driving with me to take mommy to the airport again, it's a long drive the companionship is soooooooooooo necessary, as she departs on a lengthy visit to see her grand baby. nearly a month of alone time--oh my goodness. i'll try to be better this time about not disappearing on y'all. just wanted you to know i was still alive.