The Emotional Vampire Survival Guide by BINDIYA MURGAI

“Life is a journey and you don’t always chose the people with whom you travel that journey” - Buddha

You are a pilgrim on a trip called life. Whilst on your path, you will meet people who send you plummeting over an emotional cliff. These people come in various shapes, sizes and forms and are often called emotional vampires. They don’t wear capes, fly or grow fangs, and can come in the form of relatives, friends, spouses, co-workers and bosses. They are the ones that feed on your energy, time and sometimes, your money!

Interactions with them leave you feeling emotionally drained, physically tired, irritable, angry, inadequate, hopeless, trapped or afraid. Your mood nosedives around them and they can effect both your emotional and physical health. That’s why it’s important to identify and deal with them. But before that, remember that these people are often very insecure, scared or vulnerable. They feed off your emotional energy because they have a scarcity of love, attention, approval or personal power .

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Beneath their cape of confidence exists low self-esteem, doubt, guilt, inadequacy or fear. So be compassionate with them, but set your limits as you figure out what emotional chilli to wear around them. Here are some common types of emotional vampires to help you identify them easily.

1: The Narcissist

He needs constant attention and praise, is self-important and self-centered. He can be quite charming but does not really care about your feelings and interests. When his status is threatened and things don’t go his way, he can turn cold, mean and vindictive.

Emotional Chilli: Keep your emotional distance and stay detached. Don’t share anything that can later be used against you. Don’t make your self-worth dependent on his opinion. His only concern is himself and if you want anything from him, pander to his ego and show him how it benefits him.

2: The Victim

This one thinks the world is against him and is always in need of rescuing. He is needy and always feels he has been wronged. He indulges in self-pity and seldom takes responsibility for his actions. He remains in “poor me” mode and any solution offered is accepted with a “Ya, but…” He can be tiresome and his tales of misery can overwhelm you to the point of wanting to avoid him.

Emotional Chilli: Don’t play therapist. Indulging in his self-pity will not help. Limit your interactions and listen briefly to problems but redirect to solutions. If this doesn’t work, use body language like breaking eye contact, crossing your arms or looking distracted to show disinterest. When all else fails, make a believable excuse to exit.

3: The Control Freak

He has an opinion about everything, loves to dominate and thinks he knows what’s best. He has a rigid sense of right and wrong, is rarely fun or spontaneous. He often asks “You know what you need?” and before you can answer, tells you how you’re supposed to behave or feel leaving you unsure of yourself.

Emotional Chilli: Be constructively assertive by stating your needs and point of view. Say, “I appreciate your advice but really have to work through this myself.” Be confident about your opinions and decisions and don’t be afraid to cordially agree to disagree.

4: The Criticizer

He is someone who puts others down, easily points out flaws, yet never sees his own. He can be highly judgmental, critical and condemnatory. He can be judgmental and belittles to massage his own ego. You feel inadequate around him as he fills you with self-doubt.

Emotional Chilli: Realize this person highlights your shortcomings as a way of covering his own. Don’t let him ramble on. Express appreciation for what’s useful, address his misplaced criticism directly and don’t take any of it personally.

5. Splitter

He is a man of extremes and sees the world as black or white. There is little space for the middle path. He has serious anger issues and can be unpredictable. He often pits people against each other and thrives on getting extreme emotional reactions from them. He is emotionally volatile and you always feel on tenterhooks around him.

Emotional Chilli: He feeds off anger so no matter what, stay calm! Don’t react when he pushes your buttons. Instead define some limits. If he goes into a rage, tell him, “We’ll talk when you’re calmer”. If he tries to draw you into a further interaction, politely leave the room to avoid his politicking.

Apart from all of the above tips, a great way to keep yourself protected in the company of negative people is to imagine a divine bubble of impenetrable golden light around you. Also increase you own vibrational frequencies by staying positive, laughing, dancing and listening to uplifting music. Address your own insecurities because the better you feel about yourself, the less you will be affected by emotional vampires. And finally use this powerful advice from the Dalai Lama, “Overcome the forces of negative emotions by cultivating their counterforces, like love and compassion.”