I want you to imagine something for me. Imagine going to a
restaurant, some kind of burger joint, and asking the waiter or
waitress for french fries with your big greasy hamburger. Now
imagine the waiter looking aghast at what you just said, and
replying in a huff “I’m sorry, but we only serve FREEDOM FRIES
here!” Now if you’re anything like me, the next thing you’ll
imagine is yourself lunging over the table and beating the
waiter to a bloody pulp while screaming “I’VE GOT YOUR FREEDOM
FRIES RIGHT HERE, BITCH!” Sadly, the lack of such incidents
being reported in the news tells me that there aren’t many
people out there who think like me.

Although most of you would probably not immediately act on your
psychotic impulse to attack the waiter, I’m sure that I’m not
alone in being utterly and dismally disgusted over the stupidity
shown by a good portion of Americans lately. Several restaurants
(including the House of Representatives cafeteria) have decided
to change their menu items french fries and french toast to
“freedom fries” and “freedom toast”. Good call, guys! Taking
food that has NOTHING TO DO WITH FRANCE and changing the name is
really going to give them what for! That’ll teach them to thumb
their noses at us! They’ll DEFINITELY agree with our big stupid
idea of going to war with Iraq now, right after they finish
going home and sobbing into their berets, that is!

And of course you’ve heard all the other possible name changes
too, by now. Like freedom kissing, freedom doors, freedom
braids, freedom ticklers, and my personal favorite (though not
the most inane by any stretch) FREEDOM ONION SOUP.

But here’s some news that’s hot off the press you may not have
heard yet. The American Neo-Nazi movement is apparently also
quite offended by the fact that Germany doesn’t seem too
interested in backing Warmonger Bush either. So they’ve decided
they need to remove all anti-American German references from
their beliefs. Basing these revisions on the name-changes that
we made during World War I (sauerkraut was renamed “liberty
cabbage” and dachshunds were “liberty dogs”, but the best has
got to be “liberty measles” instead of German measles), they’ve
decided to rename themselves Neo-Libertarians. And of course,
they also had to change the name of the most heinously horrible
man of the 20th century who inspired their misguided ways,
because, well, let’s face it, it just sounds German (pssst! even
though he wasn’t). Can you really think of the name Adolf Hitler
without immediately conjuring up images of Nazi Germany? Hell,
we don’t want that! Not right now. All German references should
be covered up with the American veil of ignorant
pseudo-patriotism! That’s why the Neo-Libertarians have changed
Hitler’s name to CAPTAIN LIBERTY!!! Why, they sound really
patriotic now! They sound like superheroes even! Doesn’t that
just sound like a comic book? “Captain Liberty and the
Libertarians!” Only in America, my friends! Only in America!

DON'T FRET! CAPTAIN LIBERTY WILL SAVE THE
DAY!

Now I know what you’re probably thinking after you’ve taken some
time to digest this name change. The Libertarian political party
probably isn’t going to like this very much. After all, this is
liable to cause all sorts of confusion as to the identities of
both of these groups. However, when you think about the fact
that the Neo-Libertarians are removing all their references to
Germany in an act of loving American patriotism, I’m sure
Libertarians will be more than happy to accept their name change
with open arms.

Then of course there’s Russia, who doesn’t really want to
support us either. I’m not sure how many Russian references
remain in our language after the Cold War, but I have heard
rumors that vodka might just be renamed to “Justice Liquor” to
keep up with these latest patriotic themes.

As long as we’re making astonishingly stupid changes, I would
also suggest that we go ahead and change the names of these
countries on all maps as well. The last thing we need is for
kids in school to be learning geography involving disagreeable
names like France, Germany, and Russia. So naturally, the new
maps would change these county’s names to the more acceptable “Freedomland”,
“Libertania”, and “Justiceland”, respectively. Those names truly
capture the disgust and disapproval that should be invoked when
we think about them. Speaking of disgust, the first time I hear
someone use the phrase “freedom fries” in a sentence and
actually mean it, I am going to punch them in the face.

note:
Protoclown advises that no one actually try to DO what the title
of the article suggests. Performing sexual acts with freedom
fries is not only disgusting, but just plain wrong. You should
only use french fries for that.