Great Expectations

Going into this expedition, not for one second, did I think it was going to be easy. But I certainly did not put energy into the actuality of possible stress and frustration when it came to the planning of it all. I try to be a "live in the moment" kind of gal, but you can ask those closest to me and they will tell you that I fail on the regular. I am either far too concerned with the past or wasting way too much energy on what hasn't even happened yet. It is a flaw... and I am working on it. I guess that is a huge reason I subconsciously manifested this whole excursion to far away lands, using a mode of transportation that I have the least amount on knowledge of. Send me anywhere via airplane, no worries. Tell me to drive for 14 hours only to be met my the barren wilderness and no cell service, you got it! But by train?! With some legs being 35+ hours, I truly have no idea what I am getting myself into. And to be completely frank, I care not. Plain and simple, I am extremely excited and have realized that for most of my life I have lived for this kind of thrill. The truth is, I failed myself. I knew that this is what I was always seeking, and when I stopped taking the chances in searching for the thrill, I found other means of attaining that adrenaline rush. Those unhealthy means lead me down a dark and scary path, which has lead me to where I am today: fearlessly chasing something I knew I could always attain naturally. I think I was simply too afraid of my potential. I am no longer afraid of the power that I have. I am hunting it now and have it in the crosshairs. It is mine. No storm or distant sound can stop me now. I was always working so hard to appease others and I have realized that it is time to now appease only myself.

And it has not been all that easy. Sure, the idea to take this trip fell out of thin air and I caught it, just barely off of the side of my head, like a falling leaf. But that is just it: I caught it. I could have let it go. But I said: NO! This is mine and I am taking it! In catching it, I have found that there will always be some sort of aversion. I am long aware of critical aversion. Not only do I hear about it on a daily basis with people I know and love, but I also read about it with the newly wealthy, who decided to take a chance and build that program or write that song. They followed their dream and they let nothing stand in their way. But there was always someone telling them not to do it. Today I am facing an aversion, not of the personal type as I have recently from family, but of the logistical type. Currently the aversion I am facing comes in the form of packing etiquette. I have packed for short trips by car and long trips by plane... but never have I packed for 45 days of train travel across 15 or so states. I decided a few weeks back, when I planned this trip that I would take my backpacking backpack. A beautiful orange Osprey. I am realizing that for train travel, the down side of an Osprey backpack is that it lacks multiple compartments. The packing of this pack all comes down to proper organization, space management and thoughtfulness. I can organize and manage, but I have never been that thoughtful. I have packed and re-packed the pack about 3 times and have found myself continually frustrated over the end result.

Yesterday at REI, I spend about 20 minutes with an employee who graciously re-packed my bag, easily saving me about 12 liters. When I came home and tried what he had showed me, adding the extra loot I had planned to bring, I was fit to be tied. The pack ended up weighing about 10 more pounds, was off balance and was still not conducive to the type of traveling I am doing. What if I wanted something, while on a 30 hour leg, that happened to be in the enter of the bag? I would have to dig to get it out and then find a way to carefully recreate the original pack scheme so as not to lose any precious room. So I meditated. And I am meditating...

I know it will all come together, just like the planning of this trip has. I am not worried, just momentarily discouraged. It is actually kind of awesome because I have decided that a huge theme in my book would be 'the power of manifestation' and how we as humans have the power to have whatever we want, if only we believe we can. So right now...I BELIEVE I will have the perfectly packed pack. No problem.