Friday, February 6, 2009

Reading into the Past

Last night I was lounging around with two of my bests in the dorm when we decided it would be funny if we would look into my old journals. And at first it was, I was so young, so immature. I mean we all were at that age, but as the years progressed into high school I became so shallow, so lonely, so desperate. I could not believe the words I was reading. I mean I was still a very vibrant teenager, but since I was trying to always be happy, my journal spoke how I really must have felt. And wow, was I miserable! I felt so incomplete. I was always craving more and it was disgusting how much I cared about popularity. I honestly cant say I remember it. I do not remember the tears. I do not remember the desperateness of it all. I do not remember ever not being joyful. I am glad however I wrote that down. Because it was obviously how I was really feeling. And I can definitely use it in my line of work.

What I really need to be saying though is Thank You Jesus!! It is so easy to forget all the horror he has saved you from. It is so easy to get stuck on the little struggles in our walk and forget that He has rescued us from much bigger things.... much bigger things. Plus, I have been through this Revelation before, I guess I just wanted to really publicly announce my thankfulness to My Savior. I want to thank him for all the pain he has taken from me. All the worry and all the strife He has taken for me and put upon His own shoulders. This including both the pain I have experienced and that He has saved me from before it ever happened. MmmMmmm* so good*

How wonderful is it that I never have to be that lonely little girl again? And the more I think about it- I remember her obnoxious voice, I remember her fake laugh, I remember... But I do not give in. When I hear that whisper, that -you're-always-going-to-be-alone, You-have-to-impress-them-to-be-liked, You-are-not-good-enough-on-your-own whisper I can ignore it. Because I know, I am here on purpose and that I only have one pair of eyes I have to impress.