Gimme Five: OhMiBod

I don’t know exactly how it works; watch the video on the homepage for yourself to get some clue.Here are five songs for that perfect evening alone with a sex toy that needs your number one hit with a bullet. . .1: Slayer, Reign In Blood Playing the whole album should be just the right length for serious by-myself time (29 minutes) , the sheer awesomeness of Dave Lombardo’s drumming should have that magic wand twitching like a machine gun, and the death imagery will prepare you for when your pen pal boyfriend finally gets out of prison.–

Not an actual IPod

2: Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music

The most masturbatory album ever released. In fact, “masturbatory” might not even be the right word: how do you mix “masturbatory” with “narcissistic”? Narcitory? Mastacistic? I’m leaning toward “jerk-on”, because someone so full of themselves wouldn’t want to jerk anything off, but to add on to something already wonderful.

So, the perfect album to jerk on to.

Not an actual vibrator

3: Led Zeppelin, “The Wanton Song”

That one little drum fill should do the trick, ladies. Just typing that sentence made me a little antsy. The more whorish desensitized experienced ladies might find “Bonzo’s Montreaux” more to your liking.

Not an actual board-certified sex therapist

4: Ted Nugent, “Wango Tango”

For the ladies; I bet there’s nothing sexier than a fantasy about being hunted down and physically ravaged by a redneck. Duct tape a pair of dentures to the tip for the sensation of being actually devoured by the music.

For the men; for my money, nothing says anally-intrusive, vibratory homosex like Ted Nugent. A glass of blood red wine and assless camouflage chaps should get you in the right mood. Enjoy.

5: Van Halen, “Hot for Teacher”

Be honest; you’re not going to keep a straight face using a sex toy attached to your Shuffle. You might as well take something ridiculous along with you, like this song. With any luck, much like the first scene in a porno, you might only need the opening part and not the whole thing. Those drums at the beginning should do the trick. If not? David Lee Roth will say “I’ve got my peeeeeeeennsuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllll,” you’ll look down, and the mood will be ruined with your hysterical laughter. Good luck.