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how it feels < how it IS.

This morning, I was on a random elliptical machine in a downtown Boston hotel, peering out the window, trying to imagine myself living here.

There is this poster that I saw almost every day, growing up. It was at the ballet school where I learned to be grateful that I inherited my mom’s high arches, rather than my pop’s, which are much better suited for farming rather than pointe shoes, I imagine.

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it,” the poster said.

So there I was this morning, going round and round on that machine that doesn’t take you anywhere, really–but when you do go somewhere, it helps you get there wearing skinny jeans–and I’m doing my best to imagine. I see myself walking down streets and hopefully falling in love with those streets. I wonder if this is a little bit like how it feels to be one half of the couples born of an arranged marriage. The plans are made, there’s no going back, and when the veil is lifted, you’re staring at a complete stranger.

“The eyes, they’re pretty,” you tell yourself, hoping that if you can just focus on the positive, the feelings will follow.

And actually, I do believe in that. When something is right, you do it, and you trust that the feelings will follow. It’s right that I come here, and sure, I can imagine living in Boston. I will make a life here, just like I’ve made a life everywhere else so far. The details are still blurry, but that’s okay. Maybe that’s even exciting. I mean, sometimes it feels that way and sometimes it doesn’t.

But the facts remain the same: it’s right, so everything else will follow. The feelings and the details.

Yesterday, I met the most adorable little puppy named Buster. He gave me some very enthusiastic licks on my hand and, when asking his owner what kind of doggie Buster is and hearing that he is a Boston Terrier, I replied, “You’re SO appropriate!”

Neither the dog nor the owner thought it was very funny.

Oh well.

I still think it’s super perfect to meet a Boston Terrier in Boston.

I mean, it’s new to me, even if Buster has heard it a thousand times.

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7 Comments

John
February 25, 2013

You are truly a brave woman and have chosen to live your life as an open book. Having met you personally and witnessed your strong and expansive talent I believe you can go anywhere and do anything you set your mind and heart to so if you are sure then there is nothing more to be said on the matter. yet I also believe you open you life not merely to draw sycophants but to find and have genuine interaction with those of us willing to be a part of your journey and feeling and experiencing the things you share with us. That being well stated, i hope, I must give caution where caution is warrant. You are leaving the greatest city in the world. I state that not just because it is my home town but because Frank Sinatra said so as well as many others and you are doing so after only a brief tour here. You are giving up much in doing so, be sure of this fact. Yes, you can return to new york at any time, maybe, Or maybe not but remember the struggle just getting here and getting started. The energy to come back and do it all over again is never the same and the path is always altered. Just as we change as we leave to go elsewhere so does what we leave behind. I wish you only the best but certain opportunities will not be available to you in Boston to achieve in the profession where your talents are best spent, acting and singing. I sure you have considered all the angles of this move, I don’t mean to imply that you have not. I do know one thing after this brief time of getting to know you Jessica, you will be truthful to yourself and you will make the best of every day wherever you may be.
Sincerely, John.

You’re right–I don’t do this lightly. Not at all. And New York City…There is no place like it. But Boston is a special city, too. I feel it in my bones. I felt it even before I thought I’d ever live there. There are many artists in Boston–plus, the thought of being in a smaller city is not a bad one at all. In fact, people have told me that NYC is inundated with everyone trying to do what I’m doing, so maybe going somewhere else isn’t a bad idea. Who knows what’s right–in fact there IS not right or wrong. I will be back. NYC isn’t going anywhere. I can play my songs in Boston. I can write in Boston. I can live adventures in Boston. And I can be close to a very special guy in Boston–which is very much a part of my dream, also. I know this is right. I trust the right doors will open for me there, just as they have here. And honestly, NYC is not far from Boston! It’s a 35 minute flight. I take much longer subway trips then that! 🙂 But calling Boston home for a while–that’s another part of the adventure, and I trust good will come of it.

I bet Buster has heard it all before and was probably rolling his eyes at you, if dogs could roll their eyes.

I had the same concerns as John, but you said that you are at peace and that is good enough for me. There isn’t always a right or wrong answer. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart and hope for the best. Everything will be fine. You’ll meet new people, make new friends, and have new adventures; you are good at those things. Plus, now I know someone in Boston to get free travel tips from. Maybe next time though you could move to Paris so that I could have a free place to stay;)

And yes, I do feel peace and even excitement for my career in Boston! Doors open when the heart firmly presses on. And honestly, Boston is an amazing city–it’s no sacrifice. It’s not like I’m hauling everything to some tiny town USA–Boston is a great place, teeming with people who are alive and have ideas. Actually, I’d make the argument that even the tiny towns in the USA have people who are both alive and full of ideas. Anyway, it’s a good step. I believe this:)