F***** h***

Sick of this. Everything is horrible, there is no hope, and I don't want to be here. My room is a prison. I cannot leave if the sun is up; someone might see me. I cannot go out and do all the things I want to do, nor all the things I used to do.

I came here for support, but I've grown to hate this website. Everyone says it will be okay. "Things will get better", they say. "There's always something to live for", they insist. The same fake attempts at motivational responses.

Well it will be okay, but only with death. It would be nice if people could be realistic. I can't live the way I want to, and the only option is death. It is. Anyone who says otherwise only makes me feel worse. It would be nice to hear "man that sucks, I can't wait to die either, how 'bout them Jets?" [I hate watching sports, but you know what I mean].

But I know that's not the attitude around here. And it's probably better that way for most people.

Optimism kills me. All my life my family has told me how good looking I was, how talented I was, and how great I would be someday. Eventually I learned that it was all optimistic bull****, and that it wasn't really true. But I think they did me a great disservice. Had I not been convinced that things would get better, which left me always looking forward to the great, perfect future, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about who I am now. Realizing you are not the hero of the story is dreadful. I feel that had I been told "you are average. Each day will blend into the next, and you will be forgotten. Do your best with what you have", as a child, I wouldn't have wasted the time that was good. I wouldn't have told myself "you have your whole life to do that".

And now, whether I live another minute or another century, my life is over. My mind is destroyed and my body numbed from a year of seclusion. And I welcome the darkness.

im sorry you are feeling like this. It must be very difficult to live with. Maybe people arent truthful with you about how bad things are sometimes because they care enough to try to make it better for you. You must have come with some hope at least otherwise why be on this forum? Everyone has a right to their opinion of course. we all do feel sorry for ourselves at one time or another but really your saying your parents were nice to you and thats a prob?? if they had said the opposite you would probably have been here saying "my parents were awful to me as a child"
i am really sorry you are hurting so much but i also think we do have a certain amount of responsibility for our own lives also. You could have all those wonderful things that you want but if your ill you wont believe you can ever be better than this. I hope things improve for you . i really do .

we all do feel sorry for ourselves at one time or another but really your saying your parents were nice to you and thats a prob?? if they had said the opposite you would probably have been here saying "my parents were awful to me as a child"

Click to expand...

Lying is not being nice. They lied, whether they had good intentions or not. My father always says "dinner was great, mom", even if it's freakin disgusting, they always tell me I sound good on guitar or singing or piano even if it sucks (and since I studied music, I would know if I sucked). The result is you can never know if a compliment is true or just trying to be nice. And you can't make yourself better if you are convinced that you're perfect.

I've seen lectures on this. Raising children thinking that they're special and great and perfect causes them to have a sense of entitlement and delusions of grandeur. When they get into the real world they can't handle it, because they've been convinced that they were going to have a perfect life.

Now I'll be the first to say I'm fucked up in the head. Maybe it was because my mom smoked when she was pregnant with me. Maybe it's the forsaken DNA and disease they passed on to me. And maybe it's how they raised me. But being "nice" is not the problem.

Can I have all the wonderful things? Can I go out in the sun without my skin burning up and swelling? Can I look a stranger in the eye and start a conversation? Can I do any of the things that require being in the sun? Can I walk down the street and have all the girls staring at me (something my parents convinced me would happen)?

I know for a fact that I can't have these things. It's over. I agree that I have responsibility for my own life, which is why my desire to end it is fair. Your spelling hints that you're in middle school, so I can excuse the oversimplification.

Your spelling hints that you're in middle school, so I can excuse the oversimplification.

Click to expand...

How dare you! Spelling means nothing, i can see you are a mere lad from your posts 21 ???!!!
Shadowgirl has ten years and an awful lot more of life experience than you young man.

By the way, this is a reply to an earlier thread of yours.
Always someone worse off huh?

Jay I wish I could put you in touch with my husband.

He was born healthy, a 10 pound happy baby boy.

12 months later, he was diagnosed with cancer.

The tumors were in his throat and lung, and one wound up crushing his pituitary gland. Because of this, he could never grow on his own. He took growth hormones at $10,000 a pop until he was tall enough to drive, and then he quit. He is now 5'2" and his brothers are 6'4".

His teeth aren't his own, and his jaw is completely screwed up. He looks like a science project, because he was one and still is. Every doctor he sees thinks they might know how to fix it, and put him through all kinds of tests and such.

Everywhere we go, we get strange stares from people. I know it's painful for him.

Some time before we met, he became an alcoholic and was very suicidal. He would often drive drunk in an attempt to kill himself. Then he checked into a mental hospital where he met a lot of people whose lives were greatly touched by his story.

He is now going to school to be an addictions counselor. He has a severe speech impediment, and is legally deaf, but he is using the curse bestowed upon him to bless people with optimism and compassion.

You can do it. It's rough, but if you have a story to tell, them damn it, tell it! Reach for your star and do what you want to do. You are stuck in that body but don't let it destroy your soul. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FACE.

Sorry to hear just how much you are struggling. By the sounds of it ,you have good reason to feel this way, to feel cheated, and lied to, and angry. When did things start getting this difficult for you?

I can understand that the general attitude of this website might anger you, however, when people respond they are trying their best. Everyone here is hurting, and this is a support forum, while also being being a pro-life forum. People try and offer advice not to irritate, but to try and help in some way.

I feel I can relate to some of the things you have written about, and I am under no illusion of how difficult your life is, and how much you want, perhaps even need, it to be over. Could you go into a bit more detail? Why everything has gone from being quite good (by the sounds of it, at least) to living the life you lead now?

I'd also just like to say that I don't think you are 'fucked up in the head'. You have the right to be angry, and it sounds as though you are hurting.

Everyone has their problems to deal with and saying "it could be worse" is just insensitive.

Click to expand...

She was just trying to help. And you're just a paragon of sensitivity, aren't you? Insulting others and telling them to f off. I agree with you that you should leave and go develop some tact. This is a suicide forum , bruh

I seem to have started off somewhat of an argument. For that i apologise. I was just stating what i believe not trying to insult anyone. I dont take offence to anything you have said stripedwall as you are in a place of great misery at the moment that is clear i was just simply saying to you that maybe it was not anyones intention to lie to you just maybe they loved you enough to say nice things. Of course lies are hurtful i would never despute your genuine reasons for things being how they are. Just for information im not in middle school im a 31 year old woman but alas i did not do well in school LOL Thankyou to everyone for being so lovely LOVE ALWAYS !

I can agree, I do get tired of hearing optimism as well. Every now and again I would like to have someone agree with me. I do not waste my time on my family any more either. My family is cursed with the "good family guilt trip". They have to feel like they are a good family. Otherwise they will feel bad. That is why my sister is confused at my inability to get a mate. Why my mom and grandma always tell me how handsome I am. Why my drop out cousins always envy my intelligence.

Anyway, optimism is pointless. At best you might get lucky if you are always seeing the bright side of things. However, at the very minimum it is not detrimental. When you are pessimistic you are hurting yourself. When you are pessimistic you are holding yourself back. You are causing your own demise. Not to mention people are much more aware of truly negative emotions and want nothing to do with them. At least if you are optimistic people won't avoid you.

However, the hard thing to admit is that it sucks to make things better. You have to work at it. It will take an emotional toll on you. However, if you are not trying to make your life better you are making it worse. For example, I always complained about being fat. My ex loved the fact that I was fat. She claimed it was because I was soft and squishy. However, I know it is because she knew me being fat kept my options to a minimum. When I just complained I either gained weight or stayed the same. However, once I took it upon myself to pull my head out of my ass and start trying to lose weight. I started losing weight. Yeah it sucked, I had to force myself to go to the gym. I had to force myself to eat healthy. However, in time I lost tons of weight. The entire time I said "it will be worth it". It did not just magically get better.

Depression is the same friend. There is no short cut. Those who magically became better likely have a dependence on something or someone. Patience is a virtue friend. Too much patience is a crime. However, giving your best effort towards something will help you achieve it quicker.