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Boobs Make It In To The Distilling Process

A new company manages to ruin two things we love.

By Jesse Brukman
, Oct 5, 2012

A new company manages to ruin two things we love.

Photo courtesy of Gspirits

So here’s this thing, G Spirits (website very much NSFW), a new booze company that bottles their alcohol after running it between the bare breasts of several well equipped ladies. Yeah, it sounds fun, in theory. It’s like you can live in a rap video! You can pop bottles from models with models! Everyone will think you’re so cool when you’re all, “Dude. That shot you just took? That shot, man. That alcohol was straight flowin’ over some lady’s secondary sexual organs like whoa.” But let’s examine how this would really work.

Three models are hired by the members of a formerly unknown liquor company from Germany. Each model is given -- in a weirdly racial kind of way -- particular booze to represent. Brown lady? Rum! More brown? Whiskey! White? Vodka it is. Stay classy, Germany!

(To be fair, the models are all from Hungary. But it’s still...odd.)

So, okay, you’ve got your three models. Now what? Well, the mass production of anything requires, you know, mass. Lots of stuff. If this company’s claim is true - that all the booze they bottle is running down these ladies’ chest beefers - then they’re not bottling it in a photo studio. Here’s how we're picturing it may have happened: In some cold, stainless steel distillery somewhere in a shadier part of Europe, each girl was escorted to some massive container. The models disrobed and stood on some industrial grating above the container. Then, some dude grabbed a hose and sprayed each model down with their selected alcohol. Sexy, huh? The company’s first run is 5,000 bottles of each variety. Even if their assertion that they don’t produce it all at once is true, bottling this stuff would still require hours of these girls getting doused with liquor. That sounds so sexy our nipples are hard. And by “hard” we mean "wilted in shame and horror by the very concept".

But let’s assume this stuff is bottled in a primeval forest by water spirits gently pouring alcohol from diamond amphora. Do you still want to buy this stuff? Really? Is just knowing that this booze touched the breasts of women enough to make you run for your checkbook (hidden next to your Duke Lacrosse trophy)? Because if the asnwer if yes, you may need to reevaluate your life. Stuff like this is the preserve of alpha male douchebag bankers with a sad, gaping hole where their soul should be. Here at Maxim, we're all about adoring women, having fun and having fun with women - this product represents exactly none of those things.

At least we can say this about G Spirits, it’s one of the only products we can picture attic-dwelling Sailor Moon enthusiasts and Alphi-Phi-Omega Chapter Comptrollers having in common on their shelves.