If you are new to the forums, you must register a free account before you can post. The forums have a separate registration from the rest of www.chronofhorse.com, so your log in information for one will not automatically work for the other. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chronicle of the Horse.

Anyone Dealt with Elder Abuse? Suggestions?

This really sucks. When do you really force the situation? When it's so bad it's a huge mess, or try to stop it sooner?

We have a family member that is draining the parents dry, at 73 and 90. She has never worked, and at 30, they've always supported her in her lavish lifestyle. This has been years of trying to find the truth, but what should be a comfortable old age with a house that was paid off and three rentals as well as pensions and SS, seems to be they have no money to do basic care of the house and their requirements, and are about at the limit of borrowing on everything. The sister is a sociopath and master manipulator that has them wrapped around her finger and everyone else is the bad guy. We've been just trying to find the truth, but I'm not sure when to step in, or of we can. My mom has massive bruising all over her face from "tripping," but that's not the first thing everyone else in the family thought.

She may have just tripped, but the fact that we think it might be otherwise makes the guilt tremendous. Do we force it and try to get someone who deals with elder abuse involved to stop the leech, or is there nothing we can do until it is really bad?

Well, I know the abuse is financial and emotional. I don't think it's physical, but even having the thought is scary. There are a lot of family members involved, though some refuse to have anything to do with the parents, and others will not do anything, though may talk to them in some circumstances. I don't think the police would help at all because the parents were there and both confirm it as a fall. And I can't imagine what would happen if they show up at the door.

You're right about doing something now, though. I need to find the right people to call. It doesn't matter that I'm the "bad one" and "trouble maker" anymore.

My step-father alienated most of the family so long ago they won't speak to him except in very controlled situations, or not at all. No one wants to deal with it except me, my sister, my brother to some degree, and a half brother, to some degree. I honestly doubt anyone else (five more) would do anything. The attitude is we can't do anything, let it all rot. My sister and I do most of the talking, and she's still of the opinion we don't have anything legally we can do.

What is DHR?

I am already the bad guy and have been for a long time. I actually dared to try to keep the half siblings in school instead of letting them drop out.

department of human resources...
I might have the wrong agency though, I thankfully had no need for the lot over here (yet)

I can understand that the siblings don't want to touch that one with a ten foot pole, but seriously, I don't think any person deserves to live like that. Even when they have been less than nice in their younger years.

I think maybe your siblings might come around when you remind them that they could possibly be held financially responsible should said elder person(s) be put in a care facility....

Another thought is to take your Mom to her/a DR, even a short hospital stay to review meds and give her a once over. They may be able to determine if the bruises are due to violence or she is in fact unstable on her feet. While she is being checked medically, speak to a lawyer about options. It is time to look into power of attorney for financial and medical. You can't undo what has been done, but you may be able to allow them have some peace for their final years. FYI, you can have limited power of attorney. My 89 yo Mom is giving me PoA for one situation only, she is responsible for everything else in life.

Good luck

"Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
Courtesy my cousin Tim

I've got the number for elder abuse for social services. There's also a lawyer on the radio here who does a lot of this.

My mom is very mild mannered and easy to manipulate, but no way would she let me go to the doctor with her. I tried to talk to her yesterday and she was very angry I suggested abuse, physical or mental, and pretty much took off. I have to "catch" her at home, and when I try to talk, she always has an appointment to get to and she has to leave, probably psycho-sister. If I try to set a time to meet her, she's never available.

We've been talking about power of attorney, but since they both generally act competent and will not agree to let anyone know what is going on, let alone take over, I don't think it's possible. It's taken three years to discover than my childhood home, which was paid off many years ago and was supposed to be in our name and is used as a rental, has been borrowed from. First it was 10k, then about 60K, then "more." I found the paperwork on the table--it's 90k now. I believe the home they live in, which used to be a nice Victorian paid off in the 60's, worth a lot and is starting to fall apart, has about 250k borrowed from it.

The only way I could get the house cleaned up and somewhat clean inside and out was to show up even though she told me not to and start scrubbed and doing the yardwork myself. I can't do the rotting roof myself, nor pay the $20k it will cost.

Get someone to look at the checks written, loan paperwork, etc. Are you on any bank accounts with either or both people? Talk to the bank. I work for a bank and we are required to report any suspicion of elder abuse. Had a guy take a lady with Alzheimer's for $150k (she estimated it at $10k she had "loaned" to him.) He came in the bank to cash a check she'd written, we (as previously instructed) called the police. They came in and talked with him, but let him go. Until he was arrested a week later.

I've got the number for elder abuse for social services. There's also a lawyer on the radio here who does a lot of this.

My mom is very mild mannered and easy to manipulate, but no way would she let me go to the doctor with her. I tried to talk to her yesterday and she was very angry I suggested abuse, physical or mental, and pretty much took off. I have to "catch" her at home, and when I try to talk, she always has an appointment to get to and she has to leave, probably psycho-sister. If I try to set a time to meet her, she's never available.

We've been talking about power of attorney, but since they both generally act competent and will not agree to let anyone know what is going on, let alone take over, I don't think it's possible. It's taken three years to discover than my childhood home, which was paid off many years ago and was supposed to be in our name and is used as a rental, has been borrowed from. First it was 10k, then about 60K, then "more." I found the paperwork on the table--it's 90k now. I believe the home they live in, which used to be a nice Victorian paid off in the 60's, worth a lot and is starting to fall apart, has about 250k borrowed from it.

The only way I could get the house cleaned up and somewhat clean inside and out was to show up even though she told me not to and start scrubbed and doing the yardwork myself. I can't do the rotting roof myself, nor pay the $20k it will cost.

Thanks for the thoughts, and just listening.

many hugs.

People don't want to admit that they get old and dependent.
It's a hard pill to swallow.
Keep digging at it!

Just went through a similar situation with my parents. We hired aides to help my aging mother get dressed, deal with her daily lfie and get my father out of the house for brief trips to town. Our accountant was following their expenses each month and paying bills for them. He noticed an uptick in the amount spent on credit cards and withdrawels of cash at the bank. So he notified us.

We found that the aide was using my fathers credit card for purchases at target, sending money to an inmate and buying pornography online. Talk about a major shock....

When questioned, the bank (who had videos of all teller transactions) said that my fathers "grandson" was bringing him to the bank each day to withdraw money. The amount withdrawn was way way way more than he would normally take out. So they told him no more until one of the children said ok. Of course the so called grandson was not a grandson at all. He was one of the aides.

We called the police. It took a few weeks but they found him, did an investigation and arrested him. When he went to the preliminary trial, we had the videos from target and from the bank teller window showing he had been the one doing the transactions.

Its a felony. He was 21. His life is forever changed - for which I am grateful. I went to the sentencing hearing and made a plea for the max sentence. Since it was his first conviction, he got 6 months. Not enough for me -but well thats what we got.He has a felony on his record now. What an experience. I didnt want to go there. But at the same time, I sure didnt want this guy to get away with this.
So call the police. They will do an investigation. In our case, the police had a specific unit that only dealt with elder abuse. They were responsive and were able to stop the theft.

I don't know if I can get any access to any accounts. We discovered how bad the problem was getting when the one house was in our name, and my mom needed to borrow from it because she didn't have any money. (They should be bringing in about 7k a month in rent, ss, pensions.) Then she transfered it out of our name for "tax reasons." She swore my step-father's name wasn't on it--public records on the internet call him a trustee. I keep trying to get her to tell me all of the finances, but she won't.

They are both willingly giving the leech all of their money--they refuse to stop. Calling the police or the bank about them willingly giving a child their money is probably not going to work. I'm trying to document. I have a copy of the loan on the house. When we were cleaning the house, my sister took records of the massive credit card bills. My half-brother is going to print up the text message where the leech threatened to get him if he didn't stop telling her to stop taking all of their money.

They are both willingly giving the leech all of their money--they refuse to stop. Calling the police or the bank about them willingly giving a child their money is probably not going to work.

It might not stop things IMMEDIATELY, but it WILL get an unbiased party to take a look at what's going on. Even if they're doing it willingly, it's still wrong if they're not fully competent. Which few elderly people are.

It might not stop things IMMEDIATELY, but it WILL get an unbiased party to take a look at what's going on. Even if they're doing it willingly, it's still wrong if they're not fully competent. Which few elderly people are.

Actually I know many "elderly" people who are fully competent and often mentally quicker than those around them.

However parents, of any age, can be blind to their offspring's faults or be so disparate to protect or save a child that they will forfeit their own well being. Have seen it in my family.

BTDT talk to adult protective services for some direction. Check with the bank, since you are not on the account they willbe unable to share much with you. However your inquiry should initiate internal research on their account. Also check with a lawyer to learn what rights you do or don't have now plus what debt you and your siblings may be
responsible after your parents' death.

"Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
Courtesy my cousin Tim

I doubt that anything but the estates will be responsible for the parents debts, after they're gone. And unless they are declared incompetent they can spend their money however they want to. I don't know how the transfer was done on the house, unless it wasn't legally filed in the property records-that is a question for a lawyer. It sounds like an awful situation, and I don't know that you or the rest of the family can legally do anything. Plus, after they're gone the executor will have a horrible time straightening this all out, and it looks like there won't be anything left but debts. It's sad that people are willing to manipulate and cheat people out of everything they earned.

Nothing like a very late baby (your mom was 43 and your dad 60 when they had the OP's sister)...and didn't she take advantage of them.

But, they did raise her to be this way.

My middle brother never left home, hardly ever held a real job...he was "kept" by our father. When my father died, it turned out darling brother had stolen the house, lots of other property, big savings account etc. We all suspected elder abuse, but father always said, "No".

JanM, we are getting a crash course in estates, PoA, and how people act around money since my step father's death. The law is not as clear as we would like, so I encourage folks to write and review their own wills and for adult children to work with their parents, as much as possible, to make certain they are safe and have their wills in order.
One of my SIL's just received a settlement from her late father's estate that was taken over by a Dr. That suit took close to ten years.

"Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
Courtesy my cousin Tim

Can you get to the mail???? If they owe this much and are spending as fast as they can. The mail will have answers to the questions you are asking. The trash may have the discarded bills. Sometimes you have to go in the back way to help. Do they have an accountant? Who is working the bank account?? Have a talk with the banker and let them know whats going on. It sounds as if your mom is just a passenger and will go along with what they say. They will be mad as hell at you but it sounds like it wont be long till the mortgage company comes knocking looking for their money. I so sorry!!!