Dealing With Bad News

On December 17, 2012, when most of the country was glued to the TV, watching an outraged Delhi break through the police barricade at Rajpath, I switched to a movie channel, where a Marvel superhero flick was playing for the hundredth time. It was also the twenty-ninth time that I had seen the movie, but that didn’t matter. To be clear, I fully stood behind the passionate outpouring of grief and anger—except it was laced with a hint of cynicism about whether an insensitive administration would do what was necessary. There had to be an outlet for this sense of hopelessness. It was to disconnect. Denial. Powerful defence mechanism, wouldn’t you agree? For a while, at least.

Image used for representation. All images credit: Getty Images

The five stages

Denial is a critical stage in dealing with bad news. Psychiatrist Dr Kersi Chavda, Hinduja Hospital, Mumbai, says, “Our initial reaction to hearing bad news is shock, which is then followed by denial, rationalisation, despair and acceptance. In the initial stages, before despair sets in, there is nothing to do but let yourself experience whatever you’re feeling. If necessary, talk to a close friend or family member.” That explains why many of us dealt with the Delhi gang rape incident with conversations and debates, both private and vocal.

It's personal

The incident hit close to home— most women have experienced their share of harassment—but we weren’t the victims. What happens when you are? According to Dr Chavda, there are varying degrees of bad news. “If someone has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, the reaction is going to be more intense than, say, when a person is told they are being laid off,” he says. “After you’ve gone through denial (‘This isn’t happening’) and rationalisation (‘Why is this happening?’), when you’re at the stage of despair, you could need professional help— counselling and medication—to get you to the point of acceptance (‘Why not me? It could happen to anyone’).” It’s also time for professional help, when particularly bad news, like loss of a loved one, leaves us stuck in the shock or denial stage.

Talking is the best medicine

Milder bad news, like when you hear your ex has moved on, or your boss tells you they’re letting you go (though it may feel like the end of the world then), are easier to deal with. You can process the anger by talking to your friends and family. But not everyone finds it easy to do that. “I don’t like discussing anything that’s left me unsettled,” says visual artist Ritu Batra, 28. “I tend to process things internally, which doesn’t mean I’m not dealing with them.” While Dr Chavda agrees that an internal process is another way of dealing with bad news, he adds, “We don’t advocate it. Dealing internally with bad news can lead to psychosomatic problems—you can develop aches, your asthma could get worse, etc.” It can be

hard to keep perspective when you’ve just been given bad news, but it’s important to remember that all things—good and bad—are transient. “Go with the philosophy that ‘this too shall pass’.” The fact that nothing is forever can be liberating. It’s why I watch superhero movies. Because no matter how bad things get, evil is always conquered, and hope lives to see another day. If art imitates life, it will happen in the real world too, right? But that’s just me, in the rationalisation stage. You can find your own.

3 steps to dealing with bad news

1 When things get intense, step out of the situation and visualise yourself in it, from the outside. This is a time out.

2 Ask yourself, “Why is this happening to the person in question?” Or put yourself in your antagoniser’s shoes and ask, “Why is he/she doing this?”

3 Don’t get carried away. It will magnify things to far worse than what they really are. Focus on the moment and what the bringer bad news is saying.