Know how Utah swamp smegma goblin Rep. Jason Chaffetz had a town hall where over a thousand of his constituents yelled at him about doing his fucking job and holding Donald Trump accountable? Yeah well, he was pretty sure those people were all paid a million ameros by George Soros to yell at him, because who in their right mind would be mad at a gorgeous man such as he? (Like, literally his face is as punchable as Ted Cruz’s.)

Also remember how on the day Steve Bannon was inaugurated president, Chaffetz shook Hillary Clinton’s hand and then Insta-gasmed that “the investigation continues,” because he’s a smegma goblin whose parents obviously failed to teach him manners and how to be a decent person?

Well, Chaffetz heard his constituents LOUD AND CLEAR, and decided to fucking ignore them, because he’s a pus-filled scab on the prolapsed anus of humanity (gross, Wonkette!), and now he wants charges filed against the dude who helped Hillary set up her private email server. Yes, Chaffetz is literally so stupid that when he sees those “BUT HER EMAILS!” memes on the intertubes, he’s like “Yes, that’s right. Her emails!” Christ, what an asshole, and oh, for fuck’s sake:

The Republican chairman of the House Oversight Committee, who has refused Democratic requests to investigate possible conflicts of interest involving President Donald Trump, is seeking criminal charges against a former State Department employee who helped set up Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz of Utah sent a letter to Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Thursday asking him to convene a grand jury or charge Bryan Pagliano, the computer specialist who helped establish Clinton’s server while she was secretary of state.

Sounds super important. LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!

Hey, Elijah Cummings, charming badass ranking Democrat on the House Oversight Committee, what have you to say about this?

“Apparently, Chairman Chaffetz and President Trump are the only two people in Washington today who think we should still be investigating Secretary Clinton,” Cumming said in a statement. He added: “The Oversight Committee can’t afford to be distracted by political vendettas against Hillary Clinton while our constituents are begging us to conduct responsible oversight of President Trump.”

LITERALLY BEGGING. Because all the Trump stuff is obvious and in front of everybody’s faces. Russia, his conflicts of interest, his emoluments, Steve Bannon, his inhumanly small hands — it’s all right there, saying, “Hi, I am literally putting our republic in danger, so can you FUCKING STOP OBSESSING OVER THE LADY WHO MAKES ALL YOUR TINY REPUBLICAN DICKS SHRIVEL UP?”

But nah. Hey, did we ever figure out what happened that night in Benghazi? Couldn’t hurt to have twelve more investigations, you know, just to make human bowel movement Jason Chaffetz feel like his sad, pathetic life has purpose.

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Evan Hurst is the Senior Editor of Wonkette.
He spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. Though the internet does not give him credit, it's probably his fault Aaron Schock is no longer a congressperson, due how Evan would not stay off his tail during the SCANDALS. (Not in a sex way, in a writing way!) Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.