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Lanny is a jokester. However, Lanny is also the devil. For example, a few years ago I walked into Lanny’s room after I had heard him yelling about something.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Freakin’ 24,” Lanny says, gesturing toward the television.

“What’s wrong with 24?”

“They just let one go off,” Lanny said.

“What?”

“They only let 0ne god damn nuke go off. One out of like, a dozen.”

“So they stopped all the others. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I asked.

“No. It’s bad,” he said.

“What?”

“I want them to let one more go off. You know, just to see what happens.”

“You want them to detonate just one more nuke?!”

“Exactly,” Lanny said, pointing at me.

“That’s like a doctor asking if you’ll donate just onemore of your kidneys,” I said. Lanny shrugged and took another drink from his Shiner.

“Just one more. That seems like a pretty reasonable thing for me to ask.”

I shook my head and, seeing the futility in arguing this point, left the room.

Lanny loves when bad things happen. That’s the message here. I remember once when I was on a date, I was having a delightful conversation with a young lady over some pan cakes when I received this text from Lanny: “Ask her if you can put some maple syrup on your dick.” Of course I didn’t ask her that, that’s something no man needs permission for. The point is that Lanny loves to send me texts like that in order to derail me while I’m on a date.

Every now and then, Lanny will try to go on one of my dates with me. This just can’t happen. In order to clarify why Lanny can never go on one of my dates, I’ve compiled a list of ten reasons for him to study. Here we go:

1. By going on one of my dates, you’d have to be there. This is pretty self explanatory. You’d just be a third wheel, and that’d make getting a table more difficult, it’d clog up conversation, and the issue of the bill would become way more complicated.

2. When you begin to lose an argument, you simply repeat the word “Dookie” until the other side just stops talking to you.

3. You love AIDS jokes. Specifically, informing me that I’ve been given AIDS–usually in ways that are scientifically impossible. Here’s an example:

“Kyle, you know what I put on that fork just now?”

“What, Lanny? What did you put on this fork just now.”

“My finger.”

“Well, I wish you wouldn’t do th–”

“You have AIDS!”

“OK.”

4. While I’m telling a story, you regularly will, with your left hand, make an “O” symbol and, with your right pointer finger, penetrate that symbol over and over again–all the while smiling and looking directly into my eyes.

5. Your solution to almost any problem is violence. Remember all those times when I’d describe real, serious problems I was having with someone and your advice would be “You should stab them in the heart”? Of course you don’t, because:

6. You’re a drunk idiot.

7. You constantly ask me for an alibi as to where I was on 9/11.

8. You think it’s OK for you to say the “N” word as long as you say “Just kidding” after.

9. You love to create terribly unfair situations and then accuse me of being an unreasonable.

“Hey man. Me and Wes were talking. We think you should pay the rent this month,” Lanny says.

“I pay rent every month,” I say.

“No, like. You pay all the rent.”

“What?! No! No way, man.”

“Hey, stop yelling. Why are you yelling right now?”

“Because you’re trying to make me pay all the rent myself!”

“I think you’re being a little unfair about this.”

“Unfair?”

“Yea…” Lanny says, rocking his hand back and forth. “Kind of an asshole.”

“Get out of my room.”

“So can I count on that check later?”

“Get out.”

10. You’re too damn good looking. Let’s not beat around the bush on this one. You’re a handsome guy, and a way better dresser than me. I can’t handle competition on my own date. Definitely not in-house competition. Next time you want to wonder why you’re not invited on my dates, blame those beautiful cheek bones.

There, Lanny. Print this out. Keep it tacked to your wall and read it every day. Thanks for reading everybody. Good night.