6 Reasons Why Happily Married Couples Still Cheat

We're lucky enough to live in an era when most people marry for love, not social necessity. But because of that, the concept of marriage has completely turned on its head — and that can lead to disaster in the long run.

Nowadays, your partner not only has to be the love of your life and your best friend, but also an equal economic partner, co-parent, and passionate lover. "We ask one person to give us what once an entire community used to provide," says Esther Perel, couples' therapist and author of Mating in Captivity. "Never has the amount of expectations that we bring to modern relationships been the cause of so much divorce, infidelity, and collapse."

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Perel spoke about love, lust, and intimacy in the 21st century during Summit at Sea, a weekend-long conference in the Caribbean that featured talks on technology, lifestyle, and social justice. She sat down with GoodHousekeeping.com after one of her packed lectures to explain why even the happiest couples can still face cheating.

Esther Perel speaks during Summit at Sea in November.

Courtesy Summit at Sea

1. Infidelity means a lot more than it used to.

How do you define infidelity in 2015? Is it sexting? Watching pornography online? Signing up for an online dating account? Infidelity has a lot of meanings, and your definition could be different from your spouse's definition. But it all starts in your head. "Transgression occurs with utter intensity without ever having actual sex," Perel says. "What's responsible for love is our imagination, not the other person."

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2. The concept of monogamy is way different, too.

"For most of history, monogamy had zero to do with love," Perel says. "It was basically an imposition of men, mostly of men, patriarchy, on women in order to know about patrimony and lineage. Today, monogamy is exclusiveness, and that exclusiveness is the sign that I am the one." In general, Perel sees women getting bored with monogamy far faster than men, but because the concept of monogamy is so ingrained in our society, many couples are afraid to discuss other options or even question the idea of staying exclusive for life. Instead, when people break the mold of monogamy, it's often without the consent of the partner.

3. Technology is making it easier than ever to cheat.

People are no longer limited by geography when finding a partner outside of marriage. Cheating spouses can develop emotional and sexual relationships with people in different continents thanks to the Internet. "You can pretty much cheat on your partner while lying next to them in bed," Perel says. Now you don't even need to leave your house to cheat, and that takes away barriers that used to exist to feeling a sense of intimacy with another person. "They may have never touched the person, but the kiss they imagine giving is more powerful than hours of actual lovemaking," she adds.

4. The need for security and the need for excitement never balance out.

According to Perel, every person has two fundamental needs: the need for reliability and stability, and the need for adventure and mystery. And for some reason, we are looking for one person to give us both of those needs at the very same time. "This challenge is at the core of why it's so difficult to sustain desire in long-term relationships," Perel says, "because it requires reconciling these two sets of needs that are not generally meant to go together." The ultimate sign of stability and reliability is a routine, which can quickly turn into a rut and leave a partner seeking a sense of thrill somewhere else.

5. Cheaters want to change themselves, not their spouses.

Perel says that most of her clients who have cheated aren't chronic philanderers, but instead they're people who were monogamous for many years before crossing a line they thought they would never cross. And it's not because of anything their partner did — it's because of a need for psychological change. "It isn't because we are looking for another person, it's because we're looking for another self," she says. "It isn't that we want to leave the person we are with, it's the person we have become." And in today's world, we're constantly being told to be our best selves and pursue what we want in the world, and some people might interpret that as finding a new relationship.

6. People just want to feel alive.

Having an affair isn't just about sex or love. "One word that people all over the world tell you when they have affairs is they feel alive," Perel says. The thrill of getting away with infidelity can make people feel alert, awake, and engaged, and that feeling can be irresistible. Perel says it's crucial to keep that sense of aliveness going in a relationship, and not just in the bedroom. Think about what "turns you on" — gives you energy, makes you happy, and fills you with life — and make sure you and your spouse are getting as much of that as possible.

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