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I’ve been working in Pittsburgh for about 6 months now. Over the last few months, I’ve come to find that Pittsburgh is a very friendly city. I often find myself in conversations with complete and random strangers. Usually when people learn I was born, raised and live in Northeast PA they react in horror. “Oh god, you’re not a Philly sports fan are you?”

I’m not a Philly sports fan, but I’ve been to several events in Philly – baseball included. I thought since it’s Thanksgiving and everyone is telling cautionary tales about Turkey Fryers, I would tell mine. The Pittsburghers I’ve talked to love this story because they hate Philly.

It was 7/16/05. The Phillies were playing the Florida Marlins. I was attending a tailgate party with my friend Jeff Lamana who was larger than life in personality and size (may he Rest In Peace). Jeff ran a popular Philly sports community forum called PhilaPhans.

PhilaPhans was hosting the tailgate on this day to bring the online community together offline for a day of fun. I tagged along because it after 6 months with a colicky baby, I needed a day away with human adult interaction. We even made the Jumbotron (or whatever it is).

The website is still up and running to this day though Jeff died of cancer in 2006. I’ve talked about this in past posts.

Anyway… I think it was a later game. I can’t remember for sure exactly what time it started. It had to be a 4pm or 7pm start. We started our day out at the Ikea in Conshohocken and ended up in the parking lot of Citizens Bank Park. Jeff had known some of the people from the forums, but not everyone. People started to file in, setup and assemble a cookout near the trees in the front. One by one, we met people from the forums.

There was a grill, coolers and tables being setup. Then some guy arrived with a turkey fryer. Turkey fryers weren’t nearly as popular in the early 2000s as they are now, at least in my opinion.

The guy in the red Phillies shirt is standing in front of where the fryer was setup. If you look closely, you can see he’s opening up a bag of chicken wings. The plan was to deep fry the chicken wings and toss them in hot sauce. Sounds delicious, right? One minuscule problem and minor detail: the wings were still frozen.

I don’t know if this was this man’s first experience with a turkey fryer or if he was just drunk and didn’t care, but let me just tell you, in the 5-10 minutes after this photo was shot, disaster happened. I never got to shoot a picture of it because it was so sudden and shocking. It was one of those fight or flight situations you always hear about. I got the hell out of the vicinity. And quick.

Once red Phillies shirt guy determined the fryer was hot enough, he dropped the wings in. Let me preface this by saying that everyone was drinking and there were no thermometers being used. This wasn’t Alton Brown’s Good Eats by any stretch of the imagination.

A microsecond after the wings hit the hot oil, you can guess what happened next. A huge mushroom cloud fireball shot up out of the deep fryer. There were cars nearby. Cars filled with gasoline. Cars with decent paint jobs. By some miracle, none of them caught on fire or melted. Still a bigger problem: the tree above the fryer. The fireball shot up as high as the tree branches. Then the tree caught on fire. So to recap…here I am, at my first Phillies tailgate ever, and there’s a tree on fire in the parking lot. A security officer or a police officer saw what happened and made their way over. Details are a little sketchy, because this happened over 10 years ago, but I remember thinking “Oh Jesus. Here we go, we haven’t even gotten into the game yet and we’re already getting kicked out.” The fire went out as quickly as it started and the security guard/officer let us get away with a warning to be more careful. *Phew* It ended up drizzling on and off for a little while throughout the afternoon which helped the tree situation, but shut down the fryer situation. I think God was pissed that we burned his tree.

In case you’re wondering, the Phillies ended up winning 10-5 in 9 innings. All in all it was a good day.

…And that my friends is how I almost got ejected from a Phillies tailgate. As I said, the Pittsburghers I meet and talk to get a big kick out of this story because of their vehement hate of Philly sports. The people have spoken, so I have to retell the cautionary tale.

Have you ever eaten farm fresh chicken eggs? They’re delicious! Eggs in general are a great source of protein and vitamin D and when consumed in moderation do not pose a threat to your cholesterol, but rather help to keep your good cholesterol at a healthy level. Eggs are all-natural and provide one of the highest quality proteins of any food available.

Wouldn’t it be great to just pop on out to the coop and collect a few of these healthy little buggers from your very own chickens? Unfortunately, due to an ordinance that is in need of revision, Luzerne County residents don’t have that privilege. Urban and suburban areas in hundreds of cities allow backyard chickens as part of promoting healthy eating and lifestyle choices. Many see it as being along the same lines as backyard gardening. I say, let them have chickens!

Amber Williams

Wilkes-Barre Township

With the influx in the chicken population you can be darned certain that there will be fowl play. Just ask the “Chicken Wing Bandit”.

Officers said they tried to speak with Cebula, but he appeared highly intoxicated and told them he was “the Chicken Wing Bandit,”

Officials speculate that allowing chickens to roam the streets will cause violent rioting among residents in the region….oh wait….IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Scranton police arrested a man and woman Wednesday for fighting on a street corner, though the man implicated a chicken for causing his injuries.

Keep the bloody racket down, this is bloody chickentown.

That’s all I have to crow about for the moment. Enough with the groans, there’s no need to be cocky.

It means that shit is about to blow up any minute. Kidding. I don’t know what it means. For me, it meant that my tire pressure was low. I would recommend contacting a mechanic or Googling your specific car model to figure out what’s going on.

Someone sick person in my extended family thinks its fun to sign me up for catalogs in their spare time. I’m not sure who exactly it is, but I have a pretty good idea. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s my family anyway. It could be an angry neighbor who enjoys watching me flip out when I open my mailbox. Make no mistake about it, when I find out who the perpetrator is, they will be signed up for every catalog known to man and subscribed to the Nickelback email list to boot.

Some of the catalogs I have recently received include:

Allergic Living

Finger Hut (the equivalent of layaway, but in catalog form)

Lands End

Collections Etc.

One Step Ahead (I don’t plan on having any more babies, thankyouverymuch!)

Cabellas

The Pyramid Collection

Oriental Trading

Quadratec

Crutchfield

Harriet Carter

I’m sure there are more that I’m missing, but I usually burn them or toss them in the trash as soon as I receive them. I rarely (if ever) order from catalogs. I do not trust blindly ordering clothes or shoes without trying them on first and if I wanted to order anything bad enough, I’d go online. Getting 2-3 catalogs a week gets old really fast and seems wasteful.

After arriving home from work on Saturday morning, I walked to the end of my road to get the mail and of course there was a wonderful catalog waiting for me. <sarcasm> Yay! </sarcasm> Harriet Carter “wanted me to get a first look at her new and exciting gift possibilities”. Her words, not mine. Ok, I’ll play along. It had been a while since I received a Harriet Carter catalog anyway. I thought she lost my scent when I moved from Hanover Township to Sweet Valley and stopped sending the catalogs, but I was wrong. That bitch has us all microchipped.

Before I go any further, I have to ask, WHO BUYS THIS JUNK? You can buy any of this crap in your local Wal-Mart or in the “As Seen On TV” section of Boscovs, so why would you buy it from a catalog? I wouldn’t buy it from here, I would not buy from there. I would not buy this junk from anywhere, Sam I Am.

—

Harriet Carter is a pervert. This much I can tell you. She likes big butts and she cannot lie, you other catalog shoppers can’t deny. How do I know? See below. Side note: Why do they both have to break wind? I have enough hot air flying around in my house, I don’t need any more.

Looking at plastic asses is considered a sin in God’s eyes. Lucky for us, Harriet Carter has already thought about this. All God fearing Christians can repent their sins by purchasing the below books and reading a few scriptures.

Because I suspect you are classier than the average catalog shopper, you’ll want to protect your Bible book assets. Might I recommend a personalized leather carrying case? Not just any leather…GENUINE LEATHER. That makes all of the difference. Your initials can be engraved right on the front.

So you are an avid reader, huh? I recommend these choice selections. They would make a wonderful addition to your home library.

You are going to need to read the Secrets of People Who Never Get Sick before the Biggest Ever Bathroom Reader because you’ll find that the people who never get sick are the ones that don’t read in the bathroom.

Also, for those technology challenged people….

If you need a 400 page book to tell you how to operate a computer, you probably should just probably just quit while you are ahead. This thing will confuse you more then help. The best way to learn a computer is by trial and error hands-on, NOT by reading a book.

My brain asplode. Is not the point of typing on a keyboard to do it without looking? HARRIET CARTER, YOU ARE AN ENABLER!

Harriet Carter must be a mind reader because I was just thinking to myself the other day “Self, I really have the need for a pocket notepad with pen included. No, I don’t want to go to the dollar or grocery store to get it either. Screw modern convenience, I can wait the 4-6 weeks to get one in the mail! Bonus: $7.98 is a steal and I can get it in pink.”

I cannot wait until the Urine Gone people come out with “Blood Stain Gone!” (Muderers Edition) and “Vomit Gone!” (Anorexic Edition). Hell, while they are at at it, maybe they can also come up with “Stupid Person Gone!”, “Extended Family Holiday Dinner Earplugs!” and “Nickelback Music Video Eyebleach!” as well.

Who hasn’t wanted to talk around in the nude from the waist down in plain sight of neighbors? Well NOW YOU CAN with this handy dandy privacy net.

Too cheap to afford a screen door? WE HAVE THE SOLUTION FOR YOU. Just duct tape this chicken wire to the outside of your trailer door, and you can keep the bugs out of your living room/bedroom/kitchen. Note: Marisa Burke 1980s doppelganger not included.

Chicken wire too white-trashy for you? You must know good taste when you see it. Turn your living room/bedroom/kitchen into an oasis with this life size fake scenery blanket. If you hang it up at just the right angle, you’ll forget all about Cletus and BillyBob using your backyard for a makeshift shooting range.

For those that are too lazy to shower daily, never heard of a Q-Tip, and are too oblivious to care about how stupid they look.

VCRs take up so much room, and you know me and my VHS tapes. I can’t get enough of them. When I seen this picture, I had to hop on the opportunity to buy one. I just wish they made a model that would fit my Laserdisc reader, VHS rewinder and Betamax all in one unit. DVDs, schmeevds. Although it isn’t mentioned, I secretly hope that TV comes with the stand.

In the rare occassion that I eat a hot dog (read: never), I like to imagine that I’m not eating a hot dog. Everything but the kitchen sink is in one which grosses me the hell out. I don’t need a hot dog slicer in the shape of a dog to remind me that there may be dog in this mystery meat too.

Feeling down on your luck? A lucky lotto scratcher may just be what the doctor ordered. Now you can piss your life savings away buying scratch off lotto tickets without getting those annoying silver flecks all over your hands.

One thing is for sure folks, the people who buy from the Harriet Carter catalog are very paranoid about security, and who can blame them? When buying a load of invaluable junk, you’ll want to secure it. You wouldn’t want your jealous friends trying to steal it away. I recommend these two items to help you out.

Incidentally, if I suspect that you are shopping from the Harriet Carter catalog, I’m going to check to see if the camera is real before looting your closet.

My daughter brought home a project for school last week called "Flat Stanley". She was given a 5 inch 2d laminated paper man and was to take her picture with him in various places and chronicle her adventures in a journal. It looks like several of the other students in her class already had completed the project by flipping through the book. Flat Stanley had been ice skating, at a chicken farm and in the baby ward of a local hospital before he got here. Before I go any further, here's a picture of Flat Stanley:

My first impression of him was favorable, however, I was a little puzzled by his fashion choices. I mean stripes and polka dots? That's a big fashion no-no. At least he wasn't wearing socks with sandals.

The first morning that Flat Stanley was with us, it was clear that he was not a good influence on young children. How do I know this? Well, lets just say I found out the hard way that Flat Stanley was a player. He was seen macking on Kim Karsashian Barbie and Ariel that morning.

When I lectured Flat Stanley about his philandering ways, he threatened to commit suicide by jumping from my car's visor. Luckily, I was able to talk him down from the ledge. In case you are wondering why I took the photo of the suicide attempt, it was to protect me. I didn't trust that he wouldn't have told people I tried to push him had he survived.

After Flat Stanley calmed down, I agreed that I'd take him to work and school that night to keep him out of trouble. He made friends with the Travelocity stress gnome at my desk.

After arriving home at 9pm that night, I was exhausted and went right to bed. I was half way into my dream that included a bottle of champaign, a jacuzzi and Brad Pitt, when I was woken out of a dead sleep by my ringing telephone. It was Flat Stanley. He was in jail and needed to be bailed out. I was his one phone call. Good thing I answered! Sure enough, at 4am, I had to drive down to LCCF and bail this fashion challenged shiny man out of jail. Apparently, he violated the restraining order that Kim Kardashian Barbie put into effect earlier in the day.

When I texted this picture to my cousin, his response was "Since he's flat, you'd think he would figure out that he can fit between the bars. I don't think Stan is the sharpest knife int he drawer."

We all had an exhausting and stressful day, so Flat Stanley decided to chill out with a few drinks at home after work.

I think he got a bit carried away for a Wednesday night, when he drank through a six pack and wanted to go out and get more. Flat Stanley caused a pile up on the Cross Valley. He decided to "borrow" Barbie's car for the evening. Come to find out he's driving with a suspended license and is uninsured. Not to mention he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I'm not sure how he made it out of this incident without getting arrested. I think he paid off a cop.

One of my Facebook friends sent me a message saying they spotted Flat Stanley on a poster in the Dallas Shopping center. Check it out! This Flat bastard is a bigger celebrity than I am! At least he cleaned up his image and put on some matching clothes for this picture.

Not only did Flat Stanley's secret celebrity status shock me, but also allowed him to be invited to the funeral of one of the most beloved singers of all time, Whitney Houston. He decided to stay out of shenanigans on Saturday to attend the somber event. I even spotted him on TV!

As most of the tacky celebrities did, Flat Stanley live tweeted from the funeral. Once I texted this picture to him, he posted it on Twitter, and caught the attention of the local media. They were chomping at the bits to interview someone local with a connection to Whitney Houston. A few hours later, the local news media showed up at the door looking for an interview. I really think that the camera subtracts a few feet from Andy Mehalshick when he's seen on TV. Oh well, I guess this will even out once WBRE converts to HD news casts in April.

There was a news story that the local strip joint was robbed on Sunday morning, Flat Stanley assured me that he had an alibi during the time it happened, however, I'm not so sure if I should believe him.

(BTW – This is supposed to be a picture with a crappily drawn money bag….an artist, I am not)

Flat Stanley went out to meet up with some of his other 2d buddies to play 2d call of duty. I expected he would be rolling in before 11pm, as it was a Sunday night, and I had to be up for work the next morning, but he never came home. I happened to go to the Casino 2 days this week to arrange a dinner for some of my visiting co-workers, and look who I found! My friend Duffy (not the one on Rock 107) labeled this photo best, "Flat Broke Stanley".

That bastard gambled away all of the money he stole from the strip joint his life savings!

I brought Flat Stanley home with me and made him sleep off his hangover and depression. The next morning he allowed me to take a picture of him at sunrise. It was his last day with us and I wished him well in his future adventures. I hope he gets his life on track soon.

THE END.

And now for the serious part. I obviously didn't use any of these photos in Gabby's school project. I just thought it would be funny to have a parallel adventure with "Bad Stanley". The "Good Stanley" does appear in my daughter's school journal and on my Flickr photo feed. Hope you enjoyed the (fake) adventure with me!

Something that really helped me get through the end of this week was the NEPA Twitter community. Someone decided to start the #ScrantonMovieTitles and #ScrantonMovieNames hash tags (I think it may have been @WFTE_FM) and everyone seemed to feed off of each others Tweets, each title getting crazier than the last. If you aren't already on Twitter, you are very much missing out on a good time. A hash tag (identified by the # symbol), by the way, is away of identifying a topic you are talking about on Twitter, so you can easily link to other users talking about the same topic. You can read more about hash tags and other Twitter basics here.

I compiled a list of the Scranton Movies and who Tweeted them for your review. There is some hilarious stuff in here.