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Thursday, January 22, 2015

PERSONAL: On, well... me.

I think about writing
posts like this a lot, and rarely do I start them. I never finish
them. Maybe that will change this time, but it's not certain. Well,
if this gets posted then it will be certain. Anyway. I don't tend to
talk too much about personal things, in real life or otherwise,
though I am prone to occasional late-night venting sessions on
Twitter. I want to... write a post about my experience with being
transgender – or, should I say, having a trans identity – and how
much it affects my life.

In short, being
transgender for me means living through a constant mental hailstorm.
It means rarely having a day – if ever – where I don't question
who and what I am, what I want and where I am. It means doubting
myself, even at my most confident, and wishing things were different.
It isn't... exactly about wanting a series of corrections to my body
(though I'll get onto that later), but more about how other people
perceive my body and my being. It's often the case that the
transgender narrative is about the wrong body or feeling wrong, but I
take the position that it's not about the wrong body or feeling
wrong, it's more how the world reacts to you that is wrong. What
upsets me more is the idea that people will judge or hate me for
dressing how I would want to, or for correcting them on my name, or
for wanting them to use certain pronouns. I would be so much happier
and more confident if my name was different and people used the right
pronouns. That tiny pair of social conditions would change my life
for the better, and I doubt I'm the only one.

See... the world is
geared for Men and Women. Or, to be more specific, society and
culture in the United Kingdom, the United States, Canada and much of
Europe (at the very least) is geared towards people being in specific
categories. You have men in one, and women in the other. Men are told
they are able to do these specific things, and if they don't then
they're effeminate or gay or something else (in other words, they are
lesser than other men). Women also have this, with masculinity often
being conflated with sexuality (see the concept of the 'butch
lesbian', for want of a much better term). This has often been quite
strange on both sides. Women are bombarded with things that are pink,
or soft, or decorative, or frilly, or utterly pointless. Their bodies
are judged and commented upon in almost every situation irrespective
of its appropriateness, and even official regulations seem to push
women to wear as little (or as tightly-fitting) clothing as possible
– look at the vast differences between what the top runners wear
at, say, the Olympics. Or the volleyball teams. Or a lot of other
events. Yet at the same time, no-one would really blink an eye if a
woman walked around wearing one of her husband's t-shirts – but if
her husband wore one of hers? Think about it. Which one seems the
most strange to you? It's him wearing hers, right? Western culture
imprinted thinking for you right there.

The problem with being
transgender is you don't fit into this world, or you are seen to
“invade”. People will want to know details about you, what you
do, why you are what you are, why this is a thing. I'm fortunate to
have not encountered this too much beyond some really bad counselling
sessions I had (I remember being almost grilled on why I found formal
wear so appealing as something to wear), but I haven't really gone
out in public 'dressed as a woman'. I've mixed-and-matched, of
course, but that's about it. You're a source of curiosity for many,
and I've caught myself thinking that way about other people, because
you're something different. But are you? You just want to live your
life your way, and not have to justify it. Most people don't have to
justify their lives at all. Can you imagine what it'd be like if
someone came up to you and went “Hey, Bob, you're a guy, right? Why
are you wearing that suit?” or “Hey, Barb, you're a woman, right?
What's with the skirt and tights?”. It's utterly ridiculous, isn't
it? Your reaction to that is a transperson's everyday.

There's another thing,
though. It's easy to not fit what is called the “standard trans
narrative”. It's a very strict sequence of events that some people
– including health professionals – use to define whether someone
is “truly” trans or not. One such event would be something like
“feeling in the wrong body since a young age”. I would like to
point out that I really became aware of my gender variance around the
age of 16, and many trans people don't act on these feelings or get
help until they're adults and for many reasons. Not fitting what is
considered the 'standard' can very much affect how you feel about
yourself, because this is core to your identity as you understand it.
You are brought up to see the world in these specific boxes and
styles, and you're there sat outside them looking extremely confused.
The truth is the standard narrative is one valid set of experiences,
it isn't the whole picture. Some people wake up one day and realise
everything isn't okay. Some people struggle with it from Day 1. Some
people shrug and carry on as 'normal', occasionally dressing as they
identify. Some people move back and forth. All of these experiences
are as valid and as true as each other, but this is perhaps a
controversial opinion within some transgender communities, and within
the healthcare communities that are supposed to help us.

Another problem that
crops up is sexuality. It is hard to work out your sexuality when you
are unsure of your gender identity or not living in a way you
identify as because many ways to 'phrase' sexuality rely on two sets
of identity – the observer and the observed. A lesbian identity,
for example, is basically defined as a female-identified person who
is attracted to another female-identified person. A gay identity has
its main meaning as a male-identified person attracted to a
male-identified person. This becomes much less simple when you factor
in attraction or preference to specific sets of genitals or physical
features (a straight identity for a male-identified person typically
means an attraction to a female-identified person who is biologically
female). Now try navigating this as a trans person who isn't sure
about their body, and who is a mix of conflicting social
expectations, understandings, hormones (whether naturally-produced or
otherwise) and feelings.

All of this is what is
on my mind all day every day. It doesn't matter if I'm in bed, at
work, in the shower, walking somewhere or anything. All of this is
being processed, rethought, reprocessed and so on. I can't escape it.
It's here and will likely never go. When you add in fear, caution and
self-preservation it can lead to someone being very insular,
protective and vulnerable, and this gets exacerbated because people
just don't know what's going on, so they try and push them to do
things that this person doesn't want. Imagine being called by the
wrong name and talked about in the wrong way with the wrong set of
expectations and ideas about how you should act, what you should do
and all that. Imagine that every day in every social interaction in
every situation. Imagine being scared or apprehensive about watching
or reading things because you feel like the next trans-centric joke
is just around the corner.

I... think this is
basically all I can say, at least for now. But maybe it will help
people understand me, and perhaps some other transpeople, a little
better. Maybe it'll even help me.

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About

Kathryn (credited: Kathryn (A.) Ryan) is a SF/F reviewer, critic and all-round opinionated person. Currently unaffiliated, she has reviewed for SFFWorld in the past, as well as having guest posts on Bastard Books, Harper Voyager and the blog of Jim C. Hines.