Well, it’s been awhile since I cracked open the ol’ Twitter and had a looksie, and because of the absence, I expected a cornucopia of information to come cascading down upon my head as soon as I logged in. Twitter, however, had different plans. Namely: there wasn’t a whole lot of anything going down. Despite being in college basketball conference play, baseball arbitration coming and going, and the NFL playoffs being in full bloom… crickets.

One thing that was being tweeted and re-tweeted, however, was reaction to the recent Kansas City Star expose by Kent Babb about the frighteningly “Russian factory-like” working conditions at One Arrowhead Drive. Since you’ve probably already read the piece—and if you haven’t, you should—I won’t rehash it in painstaking detail. Even if you haven’t read it, you’ve probably heard the key pieces: decoy candy-bar wrappers left on stairs to test employee laziness. Spy-thriller tales of bugged rooms and tapped phones. Constant, paranoia inducing monitoring of all comings and goings. Todd Haley trading in his grimy, sweat-stained ball cap for a tinfoil hat.

So what do local radio people have to say? Well, it depends where you work. If you’re with 810, you said nothing.

@getnickwright (Nick Wright, 610am)“The #Chiefs have done a decent job of buying off some local media, so this story will be minimized by some… But here’s the thing…
If it’s true, then Pioli is committing a felony. If it’s not true, then former AND current employees believe he is. Either way, huge issue.”

I agree that it’s a big issue. It needed to be told. If nothing else, it paints a very vivid portrait of life behind the scenes with the Kansas City Chiefs. It helps explain why the Chiefs are looked at the way that they are, the reason they can’t land a big coach, the reason free agents are probably a little leery of coming here. Big story. Well, unless you’re Wright’s station-mate, Bob Fescoe.

@bobfescoe (Bob Fescoe, 610am)“Why do you care, as a fan, what happens behind the doors of arrowhead? #chiefs”

Um, because it directly affects what happens on the field? Wait… was that a real question he just asked? Dear God.

“How do bitter ex employees bitching about their old bosses really give you anything credible to digest? #chiefs”

Um, because there are a bevy of them? This isn’t poor, misunderstood Groundskeeper Russ, in charge of weed-whacking, pissed off because he came in hung-over one too many times and was finally shown the door. This is like, 245 people who left—or were let go—who came forward with tales of shenanigans that would make J. Edgar Hoover blush. Whether it’s felonious or not, I don’t know; most of my knowledge of legal matters begins and ends with punishment pertaining to the possession of bath salts, and the age of consent on a state by state basis (let’s hear it for Mexico, folks, where the age of consent in most states is “12” or “puberty.” Viva la molestacion!)

But is any of this surprising? No, not really. Knowing what we already knew—that the Patriots’ organization—and thereby, the Patty-Lites—build and operate with a crippling amount of secrecy, smoke and mirrors, I found the whole piece was kind of a… yeah? So?

Oh sure, it’s shitty, but a lot of people reading this work a lot of shitty jobs where they have super-shitty bosses who would LEAP at the chance to play secret agent man.

So where does this leave former head coach Todd Haley, aka the Craziest Sane Person in the Room? Well, still out of a job, for starters.

@evansilva (Evan Silva, Rotoworld, NBC Sports writer)“It’s now considered "doubtful" that the #Cardinals will hire Todd Haley, according to the Arizona Republic.”

Er, scratch that. And the first Tweet was from January 11th, I should point out. So maybe NOBODY wants to give Haley a job. It’s a good thing he (probably) knows how to sell weed, what, with all of those young chirrun at home and whatnot.

But as important as the Chiefs’ saga is, it was blown straight out of the water with this little nugget of insanity that dropped a few days later:

Um, yeah dude… you missed the biggest scoop of the year. YOU WERE USURPED BY ROB LOWE. How freaking embarrassing.

With all of the ridiculousness surrounding off the field football happenings, I’ve almost forgotten that there are actual games going on this weekend… actual IMPORTANT games, you know, the kind that decide who’s going to the Super Bowl or whatever. So how are the participants gearing up? What kind of insight can be gleaned from checking their feeds?

@AaronHernandez (NE Patriots, TE) “Life isn’t measured by the amount of breathes we take…it’s the moments that take our breathe away!!”

Uh, yeah… thanks, guys. I suppose I’M the idiot for actually expecting any of them to have anything perceptive to say. Just "breath", Lefty… you cannot control the Twitters, you cannot control the Twitters.

And finally, because I had no way of squeezing these in with any particular relevancy, I present the two best football-related Tweets of the past month:

@rainnwilson (actor, The Office)“Kyle Orton looks like Bob Dylan.”

Disagree. I think he’s a little more Dave Grohl than Robert Zimmerman.

@Englishscope24 (Kim English, Mizzou basketball)

“HD tv does not help Norv Turner’s neck!”

Couldn’t agree more. The best college athlete on Twitter strikes again.

With all of this crazy football talk—you know, stuff about the Lion King, candy wrappers and burned, leather-necks—I almost forgot that baseball’s hot stove was chugging right along. The Royals set free-agency on its ear when, late last month, it announced a big-name, earth-shattering signing that took everyone’s collective breath away.

@goldbergkc (Joel Goldberg, FSN’s Royals Live)“Royals sign Yuniesky Betancourt to one year deal. Dayton Moore says he will serve as a utility infielder who can play SS, 3B, and 2B”

@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney)“Trashing Yuniesky has become internet sport–not that far removed, at this point, from making fun of the kid with glasses in the lunch room.”

Yeah, what Buster said. Look, Yuniesky Betancourt isn’t going to make or break this team. Oh sure, he’s not the ideal starting shortstop on a World Series contender, but he’s not GOING to be our starting shortstop and, deep “breathes” here folks, the Royals probably aren’t going to the World Series this year. Yuni is nothing more than a bench warming backup who can spell our starters a couple of times a week. I have no problem with this signing at all.

The big news in baseball signings, however—the ACTUAL big news—was the Texas Rangers’ signing of one Yu Darvish, the Japanese pitcher who launched a thousand pun-filled headlines.

Eh, you get it. What I DON’T get, however, is the insane contract he received, or for that matter, the insane contract ANY Japanese player receives. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the only Asian-born player who has remotely lived up to their hype is Ichiro. And for every Ichiro, there are a thousand Dice-K’s, Kuroda’s and Wang’s.

@jazayerli (Rany Jazayerli, dermatologist, baseball writer)“Very excited for Yu Darvish. He’s half-Iranian (not Arab) and I don’t know if he even identifies as a Muslim, but beggars can’t be choosers.”

Wow, so Yu is half Iranian? That sounds like a really dead-end version of the old Abbott and Costello routine.

“So Yu is half Iranian?”

“No, I’m actually half Egyptian, though.”

“Oh. I see. Very well, then.”

Speaking of baseball in foreign lands, the other big news that broke last week was filled with betrayal, deceit and confusion. That’s right, I’m talking about the Toronto Blue Jays releasing veteran third-baseman Mark Teahen.

Okay, I’m yanking your snow-blower cord there, eh? Though they DID release Teahen—and I hope he catches on somewhere—the real news of which I speak concerns one Roberto Hernandez Heredia, better known stateside as Fausto Carmona, (probably former) starting pitcher for the Cleveland Indians.

@JeffPassan (Baseball writer, Yahoo!)“Fausto Carmona/Roberto Hernandez Heredia has come from the DR to the US for 10 straight years with a fake identity. That’s staggering.”

Yeah, and if I rooted for the Indians—God help me—I’d be pissed. Carmona Heredia is actually 31, not the 28 he was purported to be. Statisticians will typically tell you that 28-to-29 is the sweet spot for a major league pitcher. For the vast majority, and with few exceptions, it’s downhill after that.

Jesus-shit-the-bed, Jamie Moyer is older than dirt. He’s so old, his birth certificate is in Roman Numerals. I mean, he’s so old, he used to pitch to Jesus in Pony League. He’s SO OLD, he’s like… 49. Wow.

(By the way, those last jokes were stolen from Sinbad, the greatest comedian ever, so if you didn’t like them, please email him at sinbadderthanbad@hotmail.com and voice your disapproval. Thank you)

And finally in Hot Stove news, the Red Sox took the biggest shit in the pool by doing the following:

And we close it out with some classics. First, one of Bulldog’s terribly unfunny “no truth to the rumor" jokes, this one from late last month:

@bobfescoe“There is NO truth to the rumor that Haley’s agent is calling the national media claiming Todd is responsible for Orton’s success on Sunday”

Never gets old, Bobby. Never. Gets. Old.

Some tweets from Anthony Bourdain and his crazy Russian friend Zamir during their December visit to KC:

@ZamirGotta“Consumerism is not such a bad idea if you can have amazing KC Topic hamburger with fried onion and pickled cucumbers at midnigth …”

Let’s hear it for Town Topic, everybody!
“very honoured to inspire the Chiefs to show fantastic game-Hali was the best and I feel the Red is my real colour now! Only upwards ,KC!”

I love his passion. When you’ve got the weight of a crazy, drunk Russian behind you, anything is possible.

And finally:

@NoReservations (Anthony Bourdain) “WTF!? FM radio in Kansas City is actually good!”

Wait—WTF station were you listening to, Tony? I’m being serious here. Radio EVERYWHERE is a vapid wasteland of non-stop advertising and nauseating shuffling of the same 50 songs, no matter WHAT station you listen to. Somebody must have been using an iPod and messing with him. That’s the only logical explanation.

Oh wait, before we go—Javier, what’s on tap for the evening?

@JavierArenas21 (Chiefs CB)“Flamin hot cheetos and free willy”

From his mouth, to your ears.

Thanks for stopping by, everybody. Come back next week at a later date, when I unleash the power of the Iron Sheik upon you. That’s right—THAT Iron Sheik. Like his Twitter bio says: “Greatest Iranian Entertainer of all time. I fuck your ass and make you humble.” You don’t wanna miss it!

Peekaboo I Si YuCan’t wait for the first Phyuk Yu! headline. No shit on this next one, new phenom in Japan is a 16 year old pitcher named Poon Tang.

You never see Scott Pioli and Mikhail Gorbachev together.

Nothing funnier than NFL players quoting motivational posters out of the Sky Mall magazine. I guess it’s encouraging that some of them can actually read and that Sky Mall is available on private charters.

There IS truth to the rumor that Bob Fescoe is the new voice in Massengill commercials.

Great stuff LeftyAnd for the love of God, can someone tell Fescoe that his “there is no truth in the rumor” jokes suck and were stale the first time he told it, let alone the FREAKING 100th time he told it.