Bad Holiday Advice from Goldie and Penny

*DISCLAIMER: The intention of this article if for humorous purposes only. Do not actually take this advice seriously, or do… Make wise choices.

Hello friends! Here we have a holiday themed Ask Goldy and Penny because it’s the holiday season and regular Goldy and Penny advice columns are only a tiny bit more boring than a special edition Goldy and Penny. Although this week it’s only me, Goldy, because Penny actually has a social life and family to visit. You’re welcome and a very Merry Christmas my little effervescent, zestful, bright-eyed pink fairy armadillos (it’s a real animal).

“My friends and I are doing Secret Santa this year and I have no idea what to get her. What should I get her?” –Unsure

You know, Unsure, too bad Penny isn’t here because she’s an expert with friend advice. I am not because I do not know what having a friend is like. Just kidding I have a ton of friends! That’s why I am spending my holidays writing an advice column. Anyways, around this time of year, Buzzfeed has some pretty good articles about what to get for your friends, coworkers, etc. Happy shopping!

“Who is Santa? Also please explain how the whole Santa situation works. How does he travel so quickly also physics. Flying Reindeer? Rudolph’s glowing red nose? EXPLAIN.” –Curiosity (that might get you killed if you’re a cat)

Okay, okay, here’s a bit of a history lesson. To answer your first question, Santa is an obese, creepy man who breaks into your house to stick exactly what you wished for under your tree. Also he eats all your cookies and steals your carrots for his “reindeer,” also known as the flying donkeys who are high on carrots, and Santa also watches you all year long in order to give you exactly what you wished for. Creepy, right?! Can flying around the world in a single night even be possible? Your next question was already answered, reindeer are flying donkeys and lastly, Rudolph has plastic surgery and went through a phase in his teenage years called teenage angst.

“Why doesn’t it snow in Los Angeles?” -Saddened Snow Angel

Hey Angel, do you know the reasons why we look up to the sky? It’s because it doesn’t snow. Do you want to know why it doesn’t snow?! It’s because LA is lame and Los Angeles is lame because we don’t have any licensed snow angels. (History Lesson: Snow Angels are the little tiny fairies that live in the Los Angeles Snow Cloud Kingdom but are not licensed yet. They could have been licensed but they made snow illegally with a Snow Permit and no instructor or legal adult and now they’re all stuck in Snow Jail for a couple of centuries.)