Monday, March 8, 2010

The episode opened with Mrs. Keeler educating the girls about Chinese manners, as though they were greeting a group of aliens to Earth.

Emily Kmetko: They look like kids.

Apparently Emily missed the 2008 Olympics on TV. Maybe she was busy making pizza?

The Chinese team looked a little French with their yellow berets and haughty attitudes.

Back at the pizza shack, Damon left a note for Emily that she was supposed to get. Carter told him to let it all out. As you could've predicted, the note was intercepted. The note read "I know what you did last summer..." Well actually, Damon won a contest and is now going on a six month European tour even though he has never performed in public...

Meanwhile, Lauren and Carter headed over to Casa Cruz and tried to cover for one another and get Princess Kaylie not to be mad at them. Kaylie wasn't having it, as she likely could've predicted all those times Lauren appeared in Carter's bed naked and waiting...

Back at the Rock, Emily was working on her vault while Leo looked on. Emily bitched about Kaylie skipping the meet because she herself was giving up half her family's income.

Then Mrs. Cruz talked to Sasha, who talked to Mr. Cruz, who met with Kaylie, while Kaylie just happened to be meeting with the National Team Bitch and Mrs. Cruz about whether or not she should do the meet. Clearly none of these people have ever heard of a conference call.

At The Rock, Emily was biting her nails because Kaylie wasn't there.

"I'd feel so much better if Kaylie were here." See, that's a bit of an issue with Emily's mental game. Screw Martha saying the team is the most important. Gymnastics is an individual sport. The US is never going to beat Big Red ever again and Kaylie is just one more person in between Emily and a gold medal and Emily and food stamps.

Payson mentioned that she hadn't even done bars since the accident, which would be about seven months ago.

Kaylie admitted to her parents that the real reason she wasn't competing was because she was afraid of defending her National Title and was dreading the day she had to compete again. See, I TOLD YOU this girl had the Czisny in her. Then Mr. Cruz said something inspiring, all was forgiven and her mind was changed. Kaylie was back in the game, showed up at the Rock and Sasha pushed some bitches out of the lineup so she could compete. Kaylie gave some speech that had me motivated and in tears over its depth about them being a family. It was like when Grace and McCool talk about God to Kat Ding before a big meet. I love how the commentators were able to comment on the girls looking inspired by the speech when they were holed up in the office. I was a bit surprised that Payson wasn't PISSSSSED when Sasha called Kaylie the leader, but ah hell, she's a scared bitch anyways.

"We're more than a team; we're a family. Those girls aren't allowed to have lives, so they don't have the issues we have."

The writers of this show may not have ever seen an Olympic event before, because they were handing out medals as the meet went on. Girls had 'won medals,'' they weren't in medal contention. The meet was all weird, as it was a team event, and they appeared to be rotating, but then Lauren and Kaylie were competing at the same time. It was like one of those weird dreams you have where things make sense at the time, but you wake up and go Huhhh? when you try to explain it.

The stunt woman must not know a lot about the sport, because Kaylie mounted with a rudi and ended with a double arabian. Kaylie isn't destined to be a floor anchor at UF like Kytra Hunter, so I'm thinking that was an oversight. Emily randomly threw her "blind landing" and stuck it for a bronze medal. I always knew Kmetko was worthy of the pity medal.

Kaylie actually did "the miller" (the REAL Miller...the one on bars) twice in her routine. Lauren hurt her ankle on her beam dismount like Anna Li at UGA on Saturday night.

Then Sasha put Payson in the lineup in Lauren's place. He didn't even give Lauren the chance to gut out one measly landing on a bum ankle, he had Payson go after she hadn't done a bar routine since August. Somehow, it didn't look like one of Tanella's recent exhibitions. Payson didn't appear to be near death at any moment. Everyone was talking about how they believed in her. "Trust." It was very Bela Karolyi, um,, except it wasn't.

Sasha then had Kaylie throw in a move on beam that he has seen her working on. If she did the move, she could win gold. See, Sasha said he SAW her working on the move. He didn't TEACH her the skill because he is always in his office trying to bone DJ Tanner and never actually does any sort of instruction.

Kaylie did the triple full (only it was really a double) and she won the gold on beam ahead of Lauren. They are ALWAYS shitting on Lauren.

After the meet, the gymnasts went out for pizza (I know, I KNOW...) and Leo gave Emily Damon's note. He told her he hid the note from her in order to avoid any distractions and that he hadn't read it. Somehow, Emily knew that Damon would be on the radio right at the same time that she was reading the note. Damon was and he sang his song for the first time in one of those Seventh Heaven/Second Noah/Early Dawson's Creek moments that made you contemplate taking your own life.

Apparently Emily CHANGED his life, even though he's never actually spent any time with her. Emily really must be amazing in bed based on how the boys fall for her. They've made pizza together, like once.

It reminded me of something Celia said to Silas on Weeds when he claimed to be in love with her daughter, Quinn.

Well, apparently Damon is ga-ga over Emily and Emily decided that breaking the rules and dating him is fine now, so she and Lauren drove to visit him. On the Young and the Restless, whenever there is a car scene or someone is shown horseback riding or swimming in a pool, you know that there will be a car accident or that Jack will have to save young Victoria from drowning. (Of course, Victoria will magically age 30 yrs and they will fuck in the future.)

Unfortunately, Emily was not involved in an automobile accident. She ran off into the station, but it turned out that the show was pre-recorded and that Damon was at the airport.

I was hoping that Rachel would run after Ross or something, but the writers surprised us and made this show worth watching. (Finally, a reason.)

Kaylie Cruz called Carter and left a voicemail that she was in love with him and knew that Lauren was right about him really being in love with her. She told him to come by her room that night. Kaylie seemed to be finally ready to do the nasty with her man and left her window open, like Juliette waiting to do the nasty on the balcony with Romeo.

But then there was a shot of Lauren looking at Carter's bed and crying. Kaylie had taken her gold on beam and her dream man.

Or had she?

Carter ran and pulled Lauren's face into his. They locked lips passionately and the screen went black.

Princess Kaylie is going to be throwing things like a feisty latina on her quince when she finds out about this! (We can only hope that Lauren is really just imagining this and headed for the psych ward.)

Monday, March 1, 2010

The girls of MIOBI are Going Rogue and stirring up trouble with the National Team Staff. Rock On!

Okay, let's just get to it. How much do you cringe whenever they chant Rock On?! I don't know what makes me hurl, them cheering Rock On, or the MKFers (and WestPalmBitch) saying Rach On! or She Rachs!!!! There are reasons why my walls have dents in them. I can't handle the cheese wiz nature of it all.

It has been a few weeks since I've written about our girls and so much has happened. It seems to me like these girls are never actually training. I don't remember the last time Lauren Tanner did a backflip. I am glad to see that she still has her race car driver beam choreography. These girls need to develop eating disorders if they are going to play gymnasts. It is why their portrayals aren't believable. I'd like to join them in a stall for a week or two. It would do wonders for the way their butts look in those leotards. Holy hell. Kmetko running toward vault is an eyesore.

Season one may have been allllll about me hating Payson, but I am starting to like that linebacker. I enjoy how she can just have back surgery and run miles and miles days later. Looking at her, I have visions of Bela forcing fat ass Nadia Comaneci to sweat the pounds off like Richard Simmons during the Nadia movie before 1978 Worlds.

There is a new girl I hate at the Rock and her name is Emily Kmetko. It is an accomplishment when your acting is so bad that the girls on Seventh Heaven start texting you the name of their acting coach. Hell, Payson looks like an Emmy Nominee next to Emily.

How many times does Kmetko say "That's amazing!" every episode. We are starting a tally from now on.

We also need to have another tally for how many times Sasha is shown giving some sort of motivational speech. He is like a walking twelve-step program. Every time he talks to those girls, I just hear him getting that tone in his voice and see that Oprah look in his eye. This guy is NOT a coach. Is he ever actually teaching any of them technique? He spends more time in his office than any NCAA coach I've ever known. Why does Sasha never yell at the girls or call them fat or pregnant? Bela would blame Emily's fear of her Yurchenko 1 1/2 on the fact that she spends all that time around pizza and is getting doughy herself. The only time I like Sasha is when they are showing him getting fresh with DJ Tanner. Can he propose already so they can fuck and we can see him shirtless and in his boxer briefs?!

The girls spent a week in the gym on lockdown, but you know they didn't improve. They were all very apprehensive about returning to the 'real world' after their week in the gym. Okay, this is how you know the show is complete bullshit. No one EVER lies about leaving the ranch! When are they finally going to go to the ranch? You know some of them need to go on Martha's Auschwitz diet plan.

They are all whining about their lives this week and trying to play "whose life sucks the most?!"

Everyone was dropping the L Bomb left and right this week. Yet another boy is in love with Emily. And Kaylie's hot brother was back last week and constantly undressing her with his eyes.

Lauren and Kaylie had some serious heart-to-hearts this week. They were being oh so close and talking about sharing leotards (and sexual partners.) Lauren confessed that her father was dating Chloe Kmetko. She told him that Chloe supposedly dumped him but she didn't buy it because "Money talks. Especially to poor people."

Lauren was HURT that Kaylie didn't tell her about reconciling with Carter. Lauren already heard from him and couldn't believe that Kaylie spent a week with her in the gym without telling her about it. Um, this is a girl who did the nasty with her best friend's boyfriend and is currently trying to seduce him nightly in the room above her garage.

The Black British Agent was back trying to stop Kaylie from competing in the invitational against China. Sasha went rogue and invited the National Team because they didn't take Kaylie to China. They also didn't take Emily, but she is about as competitive as Nikki Childs was as an elite.

Emily is afraid of her blind landing on her Yurchenko 1 1/2. It was so big of the writers to learn to term "blind landing." Now, they just need to learn that D.O.D. is a DIVING TERM and that it is D-score in gymnastics! It is nails on a chalkboard to my ears.

And then Damon used the "blind landing metaphor" in a cheese wiz moment most of us saw coming a mile away. I wish we had barf bags handed to us when we tune in to watch this amazing television.

Damon to Emily: I know you felt you flying blind with me.

Then they made out right. Ugh, you're not supposed to fuck before you compete. It relaxes you too much. Sure enough, Emily couldn't vault the next day. Once again, Sasha was in his office fighting with people, so Payson was coaching Emily on vault. Payson revealed to Emily that she had secretly been allowed to return to gymnastics training for the last two weeks but had been too afraid to train. "We'll do the vault together. I'll do it if you do it!" Oh Rach on with this writing!!!

Sure enough, Emily did the vault. Only, her stunt double can only do a Yurchenko Full (Tucked), so they had Emily scoot around on the mat. (You know Ariana can't get a 1 1/2 around with that rod in her leg.)

Back at the Cruz house, Mrs. Crus got SERVED (divorce papers, that is) and Kaylie was beside herself. How could her father divorce her just because she cheated on him?! Sasha had to come over and give some speech about being a leader and her teammates needing her. Kaylie looked at him like, "Oh I know. Emily REALLY needs my help." Kaylie has that double arabian and she is a total leader now. She is Courtney Kupets and Emily is Paige Burns. They need to vault score to balance out that bent armed-block.

The National Team Committee is beside themselves about being shown up by the Rock taking on China and beating them. Princess Leia didn't get the job done in Beijing and embarrassed them. Note to USAG, it will be a cold day in hell before you ever beat China again!

The NTC tried to get Kaylie to withdraw from the meet, but those feisty latinas never cooperate. So they decided to go after Kmetko, as though it would be some big loss. Well, they found out that Emily Kmetko has A JOB and all hell broke loose when they told Sasha about it. He left the gym (again) to go catch Emily at work and gave her some speech about how she is throwing everything away.

The Kmetkos are shit up a creek because that scholarship is half their income and it gets pulled if she competes vs. China. Of course she is going to compete, because Emily supports the Rock and is now going to follow their rules. She even dumped Damon. (She'll be playing tonsil hockey with someone new next week.)

My favorite MILF, Chloe Kmetko, was never even a bit mad at Emily. She was so proud at her for standing up for herself. Oh please, this is NOT drama. The Kmetkos will just move into that room above Lauren's garage.

Speaking of the garage (Lauren's meditation room), Lauren was telling Carter how she wants Carter and Kaylie to be happy together right when Kaylie came over to talk to Lauren about the China meet. The NTC is still fucking with her and she just HAD to talk to her BFF, whom she hasn't been speaking to for months. Well, Mr. Tanner told her that Lauren must be meditating, so he sent upstairs and Kaylie opened the door to see Carter and Lauren...HUGGING!!!!!! Black screen. Roll credits.

Oh. My. Shit. I think WestPalmBitch is having a coronary.

He hasn't seen this yet, so I will have to envision his reaction for all of you: