(2017 title sequence plays; cut to shots of a desert-like region. Everything is narrated by Kyle Hebert)

Hebert:(narrating) Last time on Nostalgia Critic Z...

(NC, dressed as Krillin, is seen confronting a DVD of an anime movie: Death Note)

Hebert:(narrating) ...Critic was confronting the worst anime adaptation of all time. (sees the Death Note DVD) No, the other one. (The DVD turns into another, Dragonball Evolution)There ya go.

(NC starts speaking at this point, but as a parody of anime, his mouth just opens and shuts repeatedly, not matching the words heard)

NC: So, shitty movie, you think you can piss off the legion of fans with your misunderstanding of source material? (DVD does not answer, of course) Your silence only enables your guiltiness! Now I will show you the meaning of pain!

Offscreen voice: You can't fight this evil alone!

(MasakoX of Team Four Star appears, dressed as Goku. His "appearance explosion" destroys part of the Earth)

Hebert:(narrating) MasakoX of Team Four Star joins Nostalgia Critic's fight!

NC: MasakoX from Team Four Star, you've come to join my fight?

Hebert:(narrating) I totally just said that.

MasakoX:(his mouth moving up and down, not matching what he says either) You need a true Dragon Ball fan to understand this outrage!

(Cut to a wide shot of the two)

NC: What do you know about Dragon Ball that I don't?

MX: Plenty, like how we cut to the extreme wide shots to save on lip animation, and your anger over this will be represented by zoom-out, combined with grunting and clenching your teeth with your eye twitching.

(Sure enough, NC is seen doing just that)

NC: Grunt, grunt!

MX: Now I will fight you by doing the same move repeatedly, and you doing the same dodge repeatedly!

(They do just that, until...)

Offscreen voice: You fools are missing the real enemy!

(LittleKuriboh suddenly appears, dressed as Vegeta, also destroying part of the Earth after showing up)

Hebert:(narrating) LittleKuriboh comes to talk sense into the feuding heroes!

LK: But he's using his Stupid Saiyan power to make stupid people say his movie is good!

MX: What?!

NC: IMPOSSIBLLLLLE!!!

LK: Just check out its critical score!

(LittleKuriboh holds up a smart phone, whose screen has the Rotten Tomatoes site on it; it shows that Dragonball Evolution has a 14% rating from critics)

LK:(growls, then smashes phone in his clenched fist) It's over nine perceeeent!!

NC: What?! Nine percent?! There's no way that could be right, can iiiiit?!

LK: People who don't know the show are being duped into thinking it's good!

MX: We can't let it get away with that!

LK: Agreed! Let dueling sides join forces just this once!

MX: And by "once", we mean "probably many times"!

NC: ATTAAAAACK!!!!

(They all unleash their powers on the DVD, which causes an explosion that destroys the whole Earth...or rather, transitions to the title of the movie)

NC (vo): In a long line of botched live-action anime adaptations...

(Footage of the movie is shown)

NC (vo): ...Dragonball Evolution is arguably the most infamous. For years, I've gotten fan requests to talk about this cinematic ball-buster, but sadly, even though I'm a fan of some anime shows and films, Dragon Ball is not one I know a great deal about.

(Cut to NC sitting in his room; to his right and left are LittleKuriboh and MasakoX. All are in their normal getup)

LK and MX:(in unison) That's where we come in!

MX: MasakoX from Dragon Ball Z Abridged...

LK: ...and LittleKuriboh from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged.

NC: That's right, a Japanese anime dubbed by Americans, now analyzed by two Brits!

LK: It makes as much sense as anything else in this movie.

(The images relating to Dragon Ball anime are shown)

MX (vo): The Dragon Ball franchise is one of the most popular animes ever made. Taking place in a parallel dimension, it follows the adventures of Goku and his friends defending Earth against intergalactic aliens, androids and other various evils who really like to yell.

LK (vo): With spinoffs including Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball Z Kai, Dragon Ball GT and Dragon Ball Super, there's over 700 episodes of this franchise, and it's still going. So, naturally, it makes sense for Hollywood to try and capitalize on it, and make a movie for Americans. How did it go?

NC: Did (poster of 2017's...)Ghost in the Shell do bad?

LK: Yes.

NC: Then this did really bad!

MX (vo): Fans of the show and newcomers hated this adaptation, claiming it missed not only what Dragon Ball was about, but dumbed it down so much that no average moviegoer would be able to enjoy it.

LK (vo): It's said by many to be the worst anime adaptation of all time. Don't believe me?

LK: How many people thought the low-budget sketch we just did was more faithful?

(Suddenly a bunch of hands go up, filling the screen)

NC: That sounds about right.

MX: So let's not put it off any longer.

NC: Let's take a look at this Dragon Ball Suck with Dragonball Evolution.

(The movie opens in space. The colorful constellations are forming people and objects Grandpa Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) narrates about))

MX (vo): I hope you're ready for an intro that's frontloaded as shit!

NC (vo): I think I am.

MX (vo): No, you're not.

Gohan:(narrating) A warlord named Piccolo came from beyond the stars. A group of brave warriors created the Mafuba, a powerful enchantment that imprisoned...

NC:(hand on cheek) Wow, I'm both lost and bored.

LK and MX: Get used to that. (NC's eyes widen in surprise and shock)

Gohan:(narrating) Aided by his disciple Oozaru, the evil pair brought the human race to the brink of annihilation.

NC: Okay... Shot in the dark. A great evil tried to take over, is defeated, and now is trying to come back.

MX: Wow, it's almost like you've seen a movie at some point in your life.

NC:(takes out the remote) Enough to know when to fast-forward.

(NC presses the button, and the intro is skipped as a voice says "Who gives a shit?!". We're first shown Son Goku (Justin Chatwin!))

NC (vo): We see our main character, played by Justin Chatwin, named... (The character's name appears, and NC is confused) Goku?

NC: Um... I don't know a ton about the anime, but that really doesn't look like a Goku.

LK: Well, as a white man, I am offended!

NC: You are?

LK: Yes, of stereotyping like that!

MX: I, for one, embrace culturally diverse names that in no way raise any questions or seem distracting.

NC: Wow. I really didn't think this with the angle you guys would lean.

LK: Of course!

LK (vo): John Shaft would be so much better if he was called Akio Hashimoto.

MX (vo): James Bond would be more culturally sensitive if he was named Bubba Grady.

LK (vo): And Ariel from The Little Mermaid would be light years ahead of her time if she was called Bob.

NC: Oh, I see what you're saying. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

MX: But if you name that rose...

MX (vo): ...shitty-shitty-ass-piss...

LK: ...you might want to change something.

(Goku is sweating, and it's shown in super slow-motion. Yes, even a drop of sweat falling to the sand from his nose)

NC (vo): Goku is trying his hardest to master his epic nose sweat...

MX (vo): This movie clearly understands what to shoot in slow-mo.

NC (vo): ...as his grandpa states what we know this adaptation took to heart...

(Goku is being trained to fight, with him and Gohan balancing on two ropes)

Gohan: First rule is, there are no rules.

LK: Well, we've given an excuse not to follow these.

(MX takes out four Dragon Ball DVDs and throws it on the floor. NC takes out a handgun and shoots down three times)

Gohan: First one to touch the ground loses.

NC (vo; as Gohan): That's the second rule after the first rule of there being no rules!

(We then cut to a fight scene between Goku and Gohan. It's boring and you can easily tell it's all green screen. We cut back to the three looking disinterested)

MX: Crouching Tiger, not-so-hidden green screen.

(The two are now fighting upside down)

LK (vo): And now, a brief recreation of the audience reaction to these first two minutes.

(Cut to three empty chairs. In the film, a beetle lands on the rope and Goku slaps it into Gohan's mouth)

NC: This movie does know the difference between an anime and a Donald Duck cartoon, right?

Hebert:(narrating, as the fake title appears) Next time, on Dragon Ball Marionet...

(The images relating to Goku from the anime are shown)

LK (vo): So in the original show, Goku was a young, naive fighter obsessed with perfecting his gift and honoring the art of combat, fighting when he needs to. (Back to movie) Here, he's a whiny little pissant who just wants to be cool and get laid.

(Goku goes inside Gohan's greenhouse)

Goku: Everybody at school treats me like I'm nothing, Grandpa. Teach me how to get the girl.

NC: To be fair, though, that is a lot of episodes of a character's life to fill into one movie.

MX: Don't worry. That's why there is the Slumming-It Fairy.

NC: A what?

LK: The Slumming-It Fairy. She magically provides stock lines when you don't want to put real work into a character.

(MX takes out a bell and rings it. After a flash, the said Slumming-It Fairy (Tamara) pops up, not giving a fuck about anything happening)

Fairy: Yeah, what?

MX: Well, we don't want to put any effort into one of Japan's most beloved characters.

LK: But we still want a paycheck for it.

MX: Can you supply with some dated angst?

Fairy: Yeah, sure.

(She waves her wand, and a small box with the word "Schlock" on it appears on the table. Excited, NC opens it, taking a note)

NC: Ooh! Here's a tired classic! "I'm different".

Goku: I'm different.

LK: Here's one with no effort: "I wanna explode".

Goku: I wanna explode.

MX: And who can forget the popular "Teach me to be normal"?

Goku: Teach me to be normal.

NC: Ooh! And don't forget... "What friends?"

Goku: What friends?

NC: We did it! We reduced someone so special to so many to someone not the least bit special in any way!

Fairy: Yeah, don't forget, you get stock parental advice for no additional charge.

MX (vo): Goku's grandpa gives him a present for his birthday: a Dragon Ball, which, when combined with the other six, will grant a perfect wish.

NC: Well, we know they never found because this film is still here.

Gohan: In all the world, there are only six others. "Susinchu" means "four stars".

LK (vo; as Gohan): You know, something this film will never see.

Goku: Thanks, Grandpa.

(The images showing off the variety of memorable locations in the anime are shown)

MX (vo): So the Dragon Ball universe that seemed to magically take place in the past, present and future, expanding the worldbuilding possibilities of the imagination, is now just the future.

NC: Apocalyptic? Utopian? Techno?

MX: Bland.

NC (vo): Again, having not seen much of the anime, I can still pick up that the movie's environment looks practically nothing like the show's environment.

LK (vo): Even the environment in the film is not very well-defined. It would take a while to even realize we were in the future unless we were told. This could be the set to any random film, where with the show, just one image could tell you immediately you're watching Dragon Ball.

(Chi-Chi can't open her locker, so Goku tries to secretly help her using his power (ki), but accidentally opens all the lockers in the hall, revealing himself)

NC (vo): But it looks like Goku's help with the lockers might have earned him some tail. Not... (The picture of young Goku in the anime kicking in the air, his monkey tail behind him, is shown) actual tail, that'd be like the show.

Funny enough, this was not actually bullshit. In Dragon Ball, entire houses could be stored in pill-sized capsules

MX (vo): They go to find Roshi, as his grandpa instructed, and locate him in the house from Up.

(At Roshi's house, Goku ends up smacking his leg against a table, making stones fly out. He uses Matrix bullet time to gather all but one which flies into a vase, the small noise enough to wake Roshi up)

Hebert:(narrating) Next time on Dragon Ball... Seriously? Seriously?!?

LK (vo): Goku wakes up Roshi and makes the sad discovery that Chow Yun-fat found a film worse than Pirates 3 to appear in.

(Goku throws punches at Roshi, but he just casually deflects each one at high speed until he headbutts Goku in the chest, knocking him back)

Bulma: Stop!

NC (vo; as Bulma): CGI is atrocious!

Roshi (Chow Yun-fat): I am Muten Roshi, the Invincible! (laughs)

MX: To be fair, Chow Yun-fat, while certainly different, (picture of Master Roshi appears in the bottom) is not that bad a choice for this role.

MX (vo): He's a wisecracker, a little pervy, and energetically full of himself. But then there's scenes like this.

Goku: My grandfather is dead.

(Roshi's smile just comically deflates upon him hearing that. The guys look at that scene before ending up on the couch along with the Slumming-It Fairy and Malcolm on the floor, smoking joints and a hookah)

NC: It doesn't get rid of the pain.

LK: But it does make it hurt a little less.

(Malcolm brings a camberwell carrot to his mouth, and we go to commercial. After returning, we are shown Goku explaining the situation to Roshi)

NC (vo): So after Goku gives his most heartfelt powerhouse performance...

Goku: I will avenge him. But before he...he died, he asked me to find you.

NC: What do you think the directing for that scene was like?

MX: Nonexistent.

NC (vo): ...Roshi gives them his Dragon Ball and says he'll join them to find the others.

LK (vo): They build a fire as it gets late in the night, and Roshi literally tells the same story we heard in the opening. But Bulma finds out only now for some reason that the Dragon Ball is buried beneath them. That's lucky.

(Suddenly Roshi jumps out of the pit, startling Yamcha)

Roshi: Enough games.

LK, NC and MX: WHY DIDN'T HE DO THAT BEFORE?!

Malcolm:(pops up to say...) Ass!

NC (vo): They offer to pay Yamcha if he helps them dig, which is weird, because that means they could have just paid him before anyway. How many hours did they waste down there?

MX (vo):​ So digging through a hole leads them to the top of a volcano...

(Before Goku can grab the Dragon Ball, he is stopped by Mai. But after she punches him in the cheek, Goku just throws her away)

NC (vo): Goku gets the ball, but is pretty easily defeated by Piccolo's assassin...only to have her easily defeated a second later. Look at this. He talks in the next scene like he doesn't even notice her.

Goku: There's this demon...

Roshi: Ozaru.

Goku: He will kill you.

NC:(as Goku) Oh, there's a lady, too. She got a swing-in. Just...pointing her out in case she was supposed to be (finger quotes) a "powerful second-in-command".

LK (vo): Grandpa brings Goku back to life, (Miracle Max and Valerie from The Princess Bride are shown briefly) because he's only half-dead, and they go to stop Piccolo after apologizing to Ernie Hudson for having him for only two minutes.

(Sifu gives the Mafuba, the containment vessel, to Roshi)

Sifu: Pray it is enough to contain Piccolo.

Roshi: Namaste. (goes away)

NC (vo; as Sifu): I spent three hours in makeup for this?

(They get in Roshi's flying metal car to get to Piccolo's lair)

MX (vo): Thankfully, their car is shitty-shitty-bang-bang and can fly fast enough to stop Piccolo's monologuing.

Piccolo:(holds up the Dragon Ball, speaking to Mai) Imagine...being shackled so tightly...that every atom in your body...stood compacted. With this Dragon Ball, I take my vengeance upon the Earth.

MX: You know, just because your underacting is way better than their overacting doesn't mean it's not underacting.

(Goku and his team arrive)

NC (vo): They get there at the start of the eclipse and try to stop him from taking over the world.

(Piccolo reveals to Goku that he is actually Ozaru, having been sent to Earth as an infant to destroy it when older)

LK (vo): But in a bizarre twist, Goku, it turns out, is Ozaru, turning into a monster. Would've been nice if someone prepared him for that.

(A clip from before is shown)

Goku: My grandpa said everything will be explained to me when I turn 18.

(Goku starts grunting in pain, trying not to turn into his true form)

Piccolo: Goku is a shell. (The word "shell" echoes) This is who you are.

MX:(with him, LK and NC waving hands) The fart faces must flow!

(The violent farting sound effect is played over the scene of Goku grunting, with showing the clip of Harry Dunne from Dumb and Dumber having diarrhea. Eventually, Goku transforms into Ozaru, and Roshi, Bulma and Yamcha arrive too late)

Piccolo: Ozaru, they have a Dragon Ball.

LK:(as Piccolo, in a low voice) Don't make my voice sound even more disinterested.

(Before Roshi can use the Mafuba, Goku/Ozaru chokes him to death, but Roshi's dying words snap Goku back to his senses, and he turns back)

NC (vo): Goku kills Roshi, but remembers who he is and turns back.

Piccolo: Impossible.

Goku: Something my grandfather taught me. First rule is...

LK, NC and MX: Always read the script?

Goku: There are no rules.

LK: Then how is that the first rule?! That's just dumb!

(Goku and Piccolo engage into a final fight)

MX (vo): Piccolo and Goku finally face off. And for a movie adapted from a show known for its fighting, this fighting sucks some harsh balls.

(Goku dodges Piccolo's power blasts. Then he uses his ki three times, but misses Piccolo)

MX:Bibleman had better effects!

LK (vo): Look at this. Most of the fighting is just Goku trying to not get his ass kicked.

(NC realizes there are no words to politely describe this. Cut back to the couch and the gang getting high once again)

LK: We should just live here. (Malcolm nods)

NC (vo): Goku realizes he has to be both himself and Ozaru...whatever that means...and he unleashes the ultimate power.

MX (vo): That's right, the Kamehameha. (Clips of the Kamehameha being used throughout the show and games are shown) In the show, this is always the highlight, an incredible display of power blowing everyone figuratively and literally away. Here...I think he turns into a screensaver.

(Goku and Chi-Chi begin a sparring match to see who is stronger. Screaming, they rush to each other and jump, and they freeze in bullet time)

MX (vo): Because that's what Dragon Ball is all about. Goku punching Chi-Chi's heel in mid-air.

(Everyone is completely high on the couch)

NC (vo): Oh, and just when you think it's over...

LK: Well, the pain never really stops, Critic.

NC: I know. But, in terms of the movie's "ending", it turns out they have a mid-credit stinger!

NC (vo): It's revealed that Piccolo is still alive, and he's being tended to by a woman. Okay, that should only take five seconds to reveal. Big whoop.

LK (vo): Well, they do apparently think that it is a big whoop, because they spend about (The caption "1:30" pops up) a minute and a half dragging this reveal out.

NC: A minute and a half? What the hell can you show in that amount of time?!

LK: Well, the suspenseful build-up of picking plants...

(The mid-credits scene is shown in its entirety to the whimsy vibraphone music. LK is excited, wanting to know what's next, while NC and MX look listless. Everything else happening in the scene is described by LK)

LK (vo): Bringing the plants inside...

(LK is even more thrilled)

LK (vo): Putting the plants in the medicine...

(The thrill of LK grows bigger, as well as MX and NC's bore)

LK (vo): Making the medicine...

(As NC and MX just lay their heads on the table, LK is beyond excited)

LK: Whoa! Oh, my... Yes!

LK (vo): Carrying the medicine down the hallway...

NC:(suddenly gets his head up, irritated) Okay, we get it! GOD!

LK: Critic, this is all essential in delivering such a powerhouse reveal!

LK (vo): Bringing the medicine into the room...

(LK is so hyped up, he holds onto the chair's backrest, panting. MX just covers his face with both hands)

Jon: And only Rye-u, or Ree-u, or however you say his name, can save the day.

NC: Goddammit, Jon Bailey! You're not Kyle Hebert!

Jon: But I fooled you for a minute, didn't I? Subscribe to my channel-

(NC takes the remote and turns Jon off)

LK: So that was Dragonball Evolution.

NC: Whether you're an average moviegoer...

MX: ...or a die-hard fan...

LK, NC and MX: It blows.

(The movie's clips are shown as the guys go to their final thoughts)

NC (vo): It's visually disjointed, it has little to no worldbuilding, the acting is awkward, the effects are lame. It's pretty laughably bad.

MX (vo): Fans that have waited years for a faithful live-action movie are gonna have to keep waiting, because this has no idea of what Dragon Ball was about or what made it so special.

LK (vo): It doesn't work in any way. And any newcomers that are introduced to Dragon Ball this way risk losing a fan for life. It's just one big disrespectful mess.

NC: Well, I probably would have hated the movie anyway, but thank you, guys, so much for showing me in how many different levels I should hate it.

MX: No problem, Critic.

LK: My miserable pleasure.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remem-

(Jon is back again)

Jon: Hey, wait. You sure you guys don't want me to narrate you out?

(Then, the real Kyle Hebert returns to his mic)

Hebert: You know, guys, maybe I was jumping a gun a little bit when I left, and, like... Hey! Who the hell are you?

Jon: Um... I'm Kyle Hebert. (He pronounces the surname "Hee-bert")

(LK, NC and MX sigh in annoyance)

Hebert: I-I'm gone for a minute, and you already get another Kyle Hebert?

NC: I'm sorry, but he's a pretty good Kyle.

Jon: Thanks.

Hebert: He was talking to me!

MX: Well, there's only one way to settle this.

LK: That's right! A Kyle Hebert-off!

Hebert: What?!

NC: Agreed. You two will face off to see who's the best narrator of Dragon Ball Z! You in?

Hebert: All right.

Jon: Let's do this!

NC:(as the camera zooms on him) Okay. Get ready... Get set...

(But before NC can start, MX cuts him off)

MX: Guys, it really is Kyle.

LK: Yes, true. He was there first.

NC: Yeah, good point. Kyle, you win.

Hebert: Yes!

Jon: Hey, what the f-

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic.

MX: I'm MasakoX.

LK: I'm LittleKuriboh.

NC: And avoid Dragonball Evolution like the plague.

(The scene of Goku giving a half-smile is shown with a short fart. The credits roll, and Kyle Hebert narrates most of them onscreen)

Hebert: Will Gohan reclaim his former glory, which was unceremoniously squashed on DBZ? Will Goku be able to close the hole in the ozone layer caused by all the hairspray he used in his Super Saiyan duel? Can Ox-King find true love on Tinder? When will Mr. Satan join the WWE and become an honorary member of The New Day? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Does the rain in Spain fall mainly on the plain...or just in Detroit?