Friday, December 7, 2012

Adjusting to Everyday Grief

HOW LONG
does the average, everyday grief process last, do you think? By “everyday
grief” I mean, significant life change, but not as harrowing as recovering from
the tragic loss of a loved one. Everyday grief amounts to changes in the
workplace, in the make-up of the family dynamic, and in feeling at home after
shifting to a foreign place, for instance.

Everyday
grief, as a manifestation of adjustment, may take as little as a few months to
two years. That’s my personal experience.

Separating
it from major grief (e.g. loss of loved ones) there is real hope for full
acceptance, without ongoing mourning.

Everyday
grief is far more common than the identity-dividing variety that obliterates
our reality. We might expect at least one of these periods every five years;
maybe more regularly.

Adjusting
to everyday grief is about making the transition as smoothly and quickly as
possible, without skimping any of the real work in actually adjusting.

Because
this is a common experience it bodes us well to develop the skill of recovery.
This might otherwise be termed, resilience.

The same
stage-model of adjustment in grief applies:

1.Denial – change rarely comes
in the form we embrace. There is usually resistance. Pride is part of the
problem, but also disbelief; both by the fact that this change has been mooted,
and is now coming into effect, and by our lack of support for the change. We
just don’t believe it’s right. There’s no better corrective to denial than the
observation of truth. This will likely cause us anger.

2.Anger – denial and anger
vacillate. The disbelief in denial together with the evidence of change that we
can see with our own eyes creates an enormous dissonance within us. Whatever we
cannot reconcile augments anger. We best find appropriate means of expressing
our anger. Discussion, physical exercise, an outlet for the emotions, tackling
the truth in courage, and other means, may help.

3.Bargaining – it’s normal to see
our changing circumstances through the lens of the old way. We want the old way
affirmed; the new way, relegated. In this fashion, bargaining becomes a willed
sense of denial for what is now taking place. During this phase we look for
evidence where the change isn’t working. There is an ‘I told you so!’ attitude
nurtured within our hearts. This is clearly unhealthy. Depression, ironically,
is a sign of a healthy passing-through of this stage. Depression can be the
sign of truth’s light breaking through the windows of our acceptance.

4.Depression – the reality hits for
the first time at a deeper level. Depressed feelings are natural when we
understand there is no choice but to do this thing; to abide by the change we
don’t want to be part of. But depressive feelings, in time, make way for
acceptance—stoically to begin with, followed by more enthusiastic varieties. It’s
best we are gentle with ourselves when we feel depressed. Facing truth requires
courage and the depressed state may ironically be evidence that we’re finally beginning
to accept the truth.

5.Acceptance – as alluded to above,
there are varying levels of acceptance. We may arrive at this phase
iteratively, over and again, for longer and better periods, for months before a
final acceptance arrives. We can only tell from hindsight when we’ve ultimately
reached this outcome.

***

Adjusting
to significant change is both a major challenge and a key opportunity. Ensuring
we pass through the stages and don’t get stuck is vital. With hope, we believe
life will settle down; that fresh meaning will arrive, and a new purpose, born.