Monday, July 06, 2009

Mills&Boon super sci-fi edition!

To Dami, With hope that in the futureshe will stick to the high qualitytrash of AL Pieres and not ofwomen who think that men whoare over 35 and virgins arecool and desirable.

"Captain T.S Sparklypants reporting for duty!"

He was tall and broad and bronzed like a greek god. His face was chisled and his features were striking. His hair was dark and curly and bounced attractively against his forehead like a pair of bunnies on LSD. He was the most stunning creature i'd ever seen, and i hated him more than a parent learns to hate Barney the dinosaur.

"What are you doing here!?" I cried.

He grabbed my wrist and stared deeply into my thighs eyes.

"I came here to find you, Agent Orange."

"I told you not to call me that anymore! And I'm done with that line of work. I'm through with it!"

"Orange!" he shouted, shaking a leg, "The fate of the known universe depends on you!"

"I can't! I took a sacred oath-"

"Frankly, m'dear, I don't give a damn!"

"Stop it, Sparkly! Those old gone with the wind role playing days are over! My work is here now, y'understand!?"

"Orange!"

"Sparkly!"

"It can't be done without you, Orange!"

We stared intensely at each other for 33.2 seconds. The two moons of the Planet Pseudogothica spun gently in the distance. The sexual tension in the air was unbearable. Somewhere in the background, Lt.Twirly began to dig his nose boredly.

I burst into tears. "Damn you to hell, Sparklypants!" I shouted, flinging myself into his arms. "Why did you take so long to come back!?"

"I needed to pee."

We proceeded to grope each other inappropriately. Lt.Twirly began to talk to his mother over the intercom about how his roses were coming along.

The gleam from Sparklypants' fuschia sequinned shorts and mickey mouse suspenders was hypnotic. His purple fingernails were psychotic, and his feathery kisses across my funny bone were electric.

I plugged a blender into my right armpit and it began to whir at full speed.

"You seem to have this weird effect on me."

"Oh, Orange!"

"You never told me what the T.S in your name stood for, btw," I said, between smoochies.

"Guess."

"Erm. Todd Spingstone."

"No."

"Totally Stupid."

"No."

"Thunder Stud?"

"Close, but no."

"Then I give up."

"Alright then, it stands...for...."

"What?"

"Too Sexy."

"Oh, Too Sexy Sparklypants, I love you!"

"I love me too!"

Suddenly, the Universe was saved. No one knew how, exactly - we only knew vaguely that it had something to do with LOVE, the most amazing sunshiny, warmy happy feeling that was engulfing every fibre of Sparklypants' pants. Whatever plot that had existed before the moment of our lovemaking had completely vanished from the existance of existance itself.

"Oh, Look, Sparkly! Space snow!"

"Doesn't that green glow remind you of our first date at the radioactive turnip factory in 3042?"

As we drifted peacefully into the intergalactic sunset, Lt.Twirly logged into the ship's mainframe computer and began to play solitaire.