Welcome

Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and
others concerned about HIV/AIDS. Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the
conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning: Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive
and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a
username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own
physician.

All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators
of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please
provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are
true and correct to their knowledge.

Author
Topic: Lost Smile :-( (Read 10675 times)

I’m 29 yrs old guy and a very happy one. I go out and smile. I go to work and smile. Everyone tells me that they never saw such a nice smile. Everyone tells me that they never saw such a nice character. Everyone tells me that they never met such a nice guy – probably thanks to the way I got educated by my parents.

It’s April 2007. I am a bit depressed. I am alone in Athens and it’s Easter. I moved here to work. My parents are in Germany. Easter… alone… actually just my cat and me. Well, I am thinking why don’t I take some pictures of my sadness? I mean, I have loads nice and funny pics of me. But there are no sad pics… to catch the moment. OK, get the cam and shoot.

It’s the 4th May 2007. I have headaches. The very next day I have fever. Three days after I decide to go to the Doc. His diagnostic: tonsillitis. He gives me antibiotics. One week later I got a skin rash, besides other symptoms. I go again to the doc. “Oops you don’t have tonsillitis but Epstein-Barr-Virus. The antibiotic is counteracting. Please do the following blood test to be sure.”

It’s 19th of May and go to do the blood tests. I was asking to do also the HIV test. I do it “for fun” I am sure I don’t have it. I go home. I still feel very sick. I won’t go out. I decide to go early to bed.

It’s Sunday afternoon. I go alone for a walk. I pass a small park. There is also a church close by. Somehow I start worrying about me. Three weeks are gone and I still feel like a peace of shit. I start crying… alone. I don’t know why I cry. I just feel sad and tears are running.

The Day X, 21st of May 2007. I feel better. I drive to the clinic to get the results. I get out of my car. Now somehow again I feel dizzy. There are many thoughts inside me. Suddenly I’m asking myself: “Is it possible to be infected?”. I am afraid.

I am waiting at the reception for the results. The nurse said: “Mr. … please follow me. The Doc wants to speak with you” I am shaking. What’s going on? Then, the shock of my life follows. The Doc asks me why did I do the HIV test. Somehow I expect a bad result. Otherwise he would not ask. I said, I never did it in my life before – so easy. I mean, I had 4 times protected sex in my life. And the other times were just petting… touching… kissing… oral sex and never swallow. The Doc says: “I’m sorry, the HIV test is positive”

I cannot believe! I’m alone and don’t know what to do. I just want to go back to Germany… to my family. At night my mom calls me if I am fine. She is worrying about me and my illness. I say, everything is OK. But I’m worrying a bit. My parents still don’t know anything.

It’s 22nd of May. My mom is coming to Greece. She is also worrying about me. Bell is ringing - my mom. She is so happy to see me again. She gives me a big hug, kisses and some presents. I am not happy because I know I have to tell her the bad news. My mom is shocked too, but somehow strong. I am wondering.

Three days past. I fly back to Germany with my mom. I want to tell my father, too. Don’t want to do it via phone. My sister, living on Paris, knows already.

Every day and every night the same thing… I am in my bed… having only one thought… every minute… Why? Who? and especially how? Because I still see there was no risk in my actions. One morning at breakfast my sister cries. Why? She says that she is so sad because I’ve lost the pleasure of life. My eyes are empty and there is no smile. Three days later… I am alone with my mom watching TV. She asks me which channel. I say that I don’t mind – actually it was a standard answer to any question the last weeks. Then I see some tears in the eyes of my mom. She is coming to me and says: “Please, give us strength by smiling. I want you as you were. You seem to be totally away from life. Your father and I, we are not the youngest and we as parents can’t see our little boy like this. It hurts inside so much. Please get back to life. Go out. We will fight against everything and you will have our support. Please smile”

OK, I promise to myself to get better. My mom is so strong. She never cries - if so then only some tears in her eyes. Anyway, I will go back to Athens to work… to get to “normal” life. My mom is joining me – I asked her. During the flight I start crying. I am afraid to go back to the city where I got the worst news. Finally at home I feel better.

Now, 19th June 2007, one day before my parents wedding anniversary and four weeks gone since Day X. I am psychological better. But I miss my old smile… of course I do it here and then… but it’s not the same as before. I am much more silent. I just want to be happy again for the rest of my life. I don’t want to think that often about my HIV. I wake up in the morning… first thought “HIV”. I go to sleep at nights… last thoughts “HIV”. Please, you took control over my body, but don’t take my mind too. I want to smile as before! I pray for it!

I still don’t know about my CD4+ and VL. I am waiting for the results.

PS: If anyone is interested to see my pics (videoclip) which I did in the beginning of April 2007 visit youtube. Somehow, my body and soul knew about my state of health…

I'm really sorry to see you here, but hope you'll find the support and understanding you'll need to get through this most difficult of times in your life - here and elsewhere.

The shock of an unexpected diagnosis can be as difficult to process as the diagnosis itself, getting your head around why and how it happened, as well as what having HIV may mean for your future on its own.

Give yourself space - the space to feel whatever it is that you need to feel, and get it out. There is no right or wrong way to deal with something like this and it takes time. 4 weeks is nothing!

I admire the way in which you've gone about telling your family - with openness and courage. You will need their support - and I hope you can find some of it here as well.

I'm 18 months diagnosed, and I went through a lot in the first year or two. But after a while I did get some perspective - it no longer becomes the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and the last thing before sleep every day. Some days, but somedays I forget. I think over time the gaps get bigger, and people recover to different extents.

From the medical point of view, the chances are you will live a largely normal lifespan. The medication now is excellent. There is no longer the same kind of dread surrounding HIV - you will be loved, and love.

Anyway, just some random thoughts. Feel free to use the people here as a resource - a lot of people here know an awful lot.

welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing your story. Your smile will come back, you need to know what's going on in your body and how you will fight and become confident that this is not the end of your life. It may take a few weeks or months before you stop waking up with "HIV+", it lasted about a month and a half for me, and sometimes comes again once a week. Your mind is going through millions of questions, from exposure to what to do now, and you will find most of the answers on here, feel free to ask any question that comes to your mind, we're open, compassionate, and strange, you'll see.

You have talked about your family, but haven't mentioned friends. Are you alone now during the day and at night, is there a very very close person that could be with you and comfort you?

Billy... I've been poz for ten years and still smile every day... even when I am stressed out and depressed. Trust me, the sadness will pass, especially for one who knows how to see the good in things, as you seem to be.

Be glad you have a family who supports you. It's not as common as you might think. Many of us have to seek support and love outside of the family because of a fear of rejection (or worse). This is a rare gift and is, in and of itself, something to smile about.

The nights are hardest. It's even harder to wonder who infected you and how. Ultimately, it doesn't matter though. The truth of your life right now is that you have a difficult situation to deal with. Now, think about how much that smile has brought to you in the past. What has that taught you? Life isn't always fair, but you can deal with the hard parts by looking forward and keeping a positive mental attitude. Having HIV will not always be a picnic, but you seem to have the inner ability to deal with it emotionally.

And, when you need help, we are here to listen.

Scott

Logged

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Scott, as ever you said it far more articulately than I could.My own contribution is there are lots of smiles in this world...wry,wicked,sensual, whatever. the most important ones are the ones you will do more and more often...that smile to yourself when you know you have accepted that HIV is not all that you are, just a part, and the triumphant one when you realise once and for all your'e never going to stop fighting.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Logged

I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Let the time work for you and you will see that you will be better from day to day...I am 3 months poz and i see it. Maybe you didn't choose to be hiv+ but you can choose to fight it and continue your life and get your smile back.

It's difficult to be alone in a strange country far away from your own people.I live in Athens too and please... feel free to use my msn to contact with me if u need anything.

First of all thanks to you guys,and back to your question Milker. Yes I told my 2 best friends in Germany... but they live in Germany.Of course I have here another very very good friend in Greece who knows too... but somehow he seems to act different since then. I know he was really sad... he was crying. I saw him after 3 weeks again cuz I was in Germany. The first week we did not do anything together. Yesterday was the first day since then. But he never mentioned this topic again (on phone or yesterday). I mean to ask me how i feel mentally... how the tests proceed... what are the next steps, etc. There is no word about it. So I don't know to whom I can talk... maybe cry out.

And right now it seems that i am alone here in Greece... that is the reason I decided to go back to Germany to my family... even I like it here in Athens very much... but i cannot live if I dont have any person I can go whenever I want and I can trust - except of that friend who behaves somehow strange which makes my decision to go to Germany easier. I have other friends too, but I will not tell. So far, if I want to talk just via phone with my sister, my family or with my 2 best friends (girl and boy) in Germany. But talking through phone is somehow different then real.

And since I know that I am HIV+ I just went once to a bar at night. I really felt uncomfortable among all the people. I went after 30 min. home. Don't know why. Am I afraid that someone talks to me? Maybe I cannot see "happy" people, because I am not? Maybe I hate the people who are HIV+ and before having sex they don't give you the choice (and at least to take more care)? Fortunately, at days I can go out without any problem.

I don't know. I am still frustrated. I still can't believe. I had just with 4 different people protected sex in my life! The others just games... How big is the chance? I always took care. That's why I did not have so much sex. That's why I am so frustrated. But I guess time has to go by... to accept what's in me... and to live my life as best as it gets. And I promise to myself... to enjoy my life and smile again as fast as possible.

Billy,Thanks for your intro and the video. I know how you feel some how deep inside I feel like I have lost my smile. That smile is coming back it has taken nearly 2 years and lot of covering my feelings to protect those around me. Time heals all sweet heart. Hang in there and know we are around for ya. Go out and find yourself and remember you don't live with HIV you make it live with you!HugsBill

Logged

If you are walking down the street and your pants drop to your ankles bend over pick them up and keep on walking!My Blog

Billy...I read your story with a smile on my face. Not that I was smiling at your misfortune..it was more of an empathetic grin. Diagnosed 18 years ago I was in the same situation. I lost my smile. It was so long ago, I was 24 and clueless. I chose to tell everyone, friends, family and co-workers. To this day I have yet to encounter any sort of discrimination. I think that since diagnosis, I have had more of a drive for life. Not that I am saying HIV was beneficial. It wasn't. What it did though was foced me to see things clearer. It put everything in perspective. I see all the good that is around. I have weeded out all of the negativity and replaced it only with positive,. I spend time alone (by choice). You will find your groove. I promise. Your family will be there. You don't speak of friends though...and that does scare me a little. You need people to rally around you. You have to pull from every resources that is made available to you. When you get your numbers then you will have a clearer picture. Look forward my friend not back. You can't change the past nor dwell on it. Discover what will make you smile again..and share that smile with the world. Haven't you denied yourself enough already?? I extend to you a Big Canadian Hug...Gregg

I mean, I had 4 times protected sex in my life. And the other times were just petting… touching… kissing… oral sex and never swallow. The Doc says: “I’m sorry, the HIV test is positive”

Billy,

Welcome to AIDSMEDS.

Do you know if your diagnosis is based on both an ELISA antibody test and a Western Blot test?

The reason I ask is that a HIV diagnosis cannot be made on an positive ELISA result alone due to the unlikely (but still quite possible) chance of a false positive. Given the risk that you describe (which is not a risk for HIV at all) you might like to check and ensure that your diagnosis has been confirmed by the highly specific and sensitive Western Blot test.

1st test ELISA... positive2nd test Western Blot... positivethen I went to Germany... I still could not believe I was desperate... so I did again the test...ELISA and Wester Blot... the 3rd test was postive too...

I cannot still stick on the hope that I might be negative, and do more tests... because the chance to get infected was low.3 test and all positive... I think it's obviously... unfortunately :-(

And really... I am not lying about my sexual actions... And I know the risk was low... But somehow i got it.I had never a blood transfusion... never injections (just at Docs)

My Doc said probably I got infected by oral sex if i had a wound in my mouth...

I can relate to your situation in the sense that you were aware and took precautions. My partner and I DID use condoms because I knew that he had a "checkered past" as he puts it. We had a huge issue with the condom one evening and there it began.

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I am, however, glad that you have a family that can be a support to you. As for your smile, it will return. It may take some time, but one day you'll realize that its back. Hopefully some of us can get you there faster.

And really... I am not lying about my sexual actions... And I know the risk was low... But somehow i got it.I had never a blood transfusion... never injections (just at Docs)

My Doc said probably I got infected by oral sex if i had a wound in my mouth...

Hey Billy,

It wasn't my intention to suggest you might be lying. I apologise if my comments read that way. I was wondering if you may have been diagnosed on the strength of a positive ELISA test alone, but as you told us your result was confirmed by a Western Blot test, so there's no doubt about your positive status.

billy, you've never had unprotected anal sex, nor have you had a condom break? Just wondering.

Always safer sex... just if I did oral sex there was no condomAs long as i remember condom did not break... at least not my one...About the other... i never checked it after :-sI don't know how it feels if condom breaks... do i notice that?

On the other hand... if so... why the hell broke the condom at the positive one.Questions probably won't be ever answered...

But in any case... this site is supporting me very much... it gives me hope... prepares me for my futureThank you ALL

I did not presume that you don't believe me. But the question "are you sure you used condoms?", "you had only 4 different people?"I heard those questions (by docs, friends who knows) several times... and I am hacked off to repeat myself... "yes it was the way I told"

Your reaction wasn't at all aggressive. You're newly diagnosed and you're dealing with all the stress a positive diagnosis brings. My concern was that your doctor may have based that diagnosis on an ELISA test alone. But you've received a positive WB result and that confirms your status.

The most important thing at the moment is that we welcome you to our Forums family.

Billy, it doesn't matter how you got it anymore. You can knock your head against the wall forever trying to resolve that question. What matters now is how you deal with things, how you move forward. Dwelling on the past will only inhibit your emotional progress.

Again, welcome.

Logged

Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

If you top, you know if a condom breaks, it's not just a little hole, it's the entire thing that explodes and leaves a sort of kilt around your penis. If you bottom, I personally think that it's impossible to know if a condom broke.

Whether you got infected by oral or anal is not important. You are now living with HIV and you will have to work on getting that smile back.

You video brought tears to my eyes and made me recall how I couldn't look in my own eyes in the mirror after being diagnosed. I still often find it difficult. But I am glad you found this place. As for your story, it is eerily like mine... although I had a lot more sex than you I cannot fanthom how I was infected. In my case I blame a medical procedure, but I can only suspect. It's something that I was obssessed with and still comes around to haunt me now and then, but less and less. I also lost my smile for a really long time but now 1.5 years later it is back for a while already so I hope the same for you. I am also not living in own country. Anyway if you're back in Germany give me a shout I am right across the border 1.5 hours from Oldenburg. Take good care in the meantime, I think life will smile at you soon again.

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

hello billy and welcome to our club. i promise you that your smile will return, what you are feeling at the moment is complete shock and so your reactions and emotions will take a while to process everything that is happening at the moment. you've found a good place for info and support and i hope you find it helps bring back your smile soonlovexx

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

hi billy , nice video , and nice cat . i don't know if ur in this video sad or happy. u seems that u merged it together. and of course with nice song. let me introduce myself . am from lebanon am hiv+ since 2000. i llove life and i like to have friends hiv+ like me . Hope u'll be a one . by the way am 28. take care . hope u reply.

Loved your Video, wish I had the ability to do something like that. It was very moving & also made me smile !!

I too am recently dianogised Sopt 6, 2007, yes I was devastated for several weeks & yes I can't figure out where I contracted it also. But after having my pitty party for several weeks I woke up one morning & said "Self it doesn't matter where you got it or who gave it to you you have it live with it!"You say you used to smile all the time well I never smiled but now the smile is a built in feature on my face, I have people telling me "WOW" Dennis why are you so happy now? I think its great you could tell your family I have only told my daughters & being 58, 59 next Thursday I don't think my family could start to understand.Billy life will still be good for you it sounds like you have lots of support, & you will find many friends on thsi site that you can express yourself too. You have many years to do what you like & a great future before you even thu you might not think so.

Billy take care Love the Kitty I have a 95 lb Golden Retriever great company.

hi billy , nice video , and nice cat . i don't know if ur in this video sad or happy. u seems that u merged it together. and of course with nice song. let me introduce myself . am from lebanon am hiv+ since 2000. i llove life and i like to have friends hiv+ like me . Hope u'll be a one . by the way am 28. take care . hope u reply.

thx newlife & desertguy,

i really appreciate this... but i wanna also let you know... that after almost 11 months i feel very good... actually as before...and yes I laugh as much as before and am lucky :-) some people recovers faster some slower... but i guess my speed of psychological recovery was good... i mean meanwhile i was in hospital for over 2 weeks due to some sideeffects of meds... and still i did it great (with my mother besides me :-) I love her!)

now am looking for another great summer here in greece... cuz last summer was not that "efficient" ;-)

I am glad and envious that you can tell your family. My parents are in rural China and I know they would never understand me being guy now being positive so I never told them anything.

I also played safe with no more than 10 partners last year. BB with only one guy several times who sworn to be neg (even today) and never cum inside me. Thought I was the one with the worst luck now it seems you take the cake.

My bf 5 years ago was also German, a very hot guy. He lives in Seattle so we haven't spoken for about a year. I called him after I tested poz then he started asking about CD4 and VL then at that point I knew he was also poz. This bond made me felt so much closer to him so I am planning a trip to the northwest now.

Hi Billy,great video.After being hiv+ for over 17 years I did not lose my smile.I keep on going,I keep on fighting and I keep on smiling...If you want to talk let me know....I'm between Athens Greece and Mannheim Germany ALL THE TIME.Lakis