As much emotion as when Renton avoided prison but Spud did not

The new Lord Ferg comes over all sentimental. Photograph: Everton FC/Press Association Ima

A MINIMUM OF SEVEN GOALS GUARANTEED AT GOODISON PARK ON SUNDAY, YOU'LL SOON SEE WHY

It's the FA Cup final this weekend, still the biggest single game in the domestic calendar. So naturally the modern media has trained all its attention on Everton's inconsequential clash with West Ham United on Sunday. It's sure to be a great game, perhaps 1-0 to Everton, or maybe 1-0 to West Ham, or perchance 0-0 or 1-1. Do you have a spare ticket?

The promise of a rollocking rollercoaster ride aside, it's also the last opportunity to see David Moyes standing in the home dugout at Goodison Park after 11 long years in charge of Everton. "I remember my first game against Fulham 11 years ago like it was tomorrow," began Moyes this afternoon, raising immediate concerns among students of relativistic classical mechanics that Lord Ferg's retirement did indeed cause a massive rip in the space-time continuum. "I was a relative unknown coming from Preston, but they got behind me. I hope the fans react this weekend the way they did when I walked in the door, but if they don't I totally understand because I'm a football fan myself and you support your team, that's what you do."

Though exactly how well he understands the concerns of the common Evertonian is a moot point, seeing most of them want the owner Bill Kenwright to do one. Moyes, however, thinks the man who made the role of Betty Turpin's son in Coronation Street his own is a "great guy", and will be more than happy to offer him advice in his search for a new manager. "Walter Smith recommended me, and if there's anything I can do, I'll be more than happy to help."

His piercing peepers staring into the middle distance, for once not in a manner that suggests it may be time to vacate the public bar, a wistful Moyes revealed that he hadn't been planning to leave Everton. "My contract was running out, but if you'd pushed me I'd have said my mind was swaying on staying at Everton. I've got everything in place for next season, the pre-season, the chairman knows the things we'd like to do to move forward." But with Fergie – according to his pal Fabio Capello – finally tiring of the stress of top-level management, as well as becoming desirous of stuffing his backpack full of Imodium and seeing the world before it's too late, an opportunity came up that was too good to turn down.

And so it was that a chain of events was set in motion that led to this warm and fuzzy press conference, Moyes showing more emotion than at any point since Renton avoided prison but Spud did not. "I'm disappointed to be leaving such a great club," he said. "It has been such a great part of my life." Beautiful sentiments from a warm-hearted chap. Hacks on the north-west beat are encouraged to enjoy these moments while they can, because if the last 27 years have been any guide, come September Moyes will be chasing half of them with a pointed stick and a wild look in his eye. And those will be the ones he's not angry enough with to ban.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"When I received the phone call from Mr Short, I thought it was a joke and I was ready to say a bad word – I thought it was a friend and I would have lost my job!" – Paolo Di Canio, 2 April 2013.

"[Lord Ferg] called me two Christmas Days in a row and I thought it was my friend so I swore down the phone" – the same man again today. Either Di Canio needs to get some new friends, or he needs a new gag.

FIVER LETTERS

"My wife was three when Lord Ferg became boss. Her 30th birthday was 7 May. After a lovely dinner out, I came home the next morning to find Fergie quit. 3 ... 30. I'm sure she's to blame in some numerological way, but love her enough to not ask Sir Alex who I should get to replace her. Besides, David Moyes is taken" – Mossman.

"So the Scouser with the lamp [Fiver Letters passim] has got their third wish – as long as they're a Liverpool fan that is" – Rob W.

"How considerate of Lord Ferg to nominate a man who has previously won nothing. Far more thoughtful than opting for someone who could show how easy it is to win trophies, when you have virtually unlimited resources" – Simon Baker.

"In yesterday's Fiver, you said USA Americans 'could usually barely care less about the game'. Whilst technically correct, you should have said 'could care less about this game'. Obviously that means completely the opposite of what you were trying to convey, but that's how Americans say it, and it would be pedantic to call them ignorant, ungrammatical, thoughtless, ill-educated louts over a simple total reversal of meaning. I gave up correcting this one long ago, and so should you" – Richard Beer.

"Re yesterday's Fiver headline, as a resident of Greater Manchester I take great exception to the London-centric cliche that it is always raining in Manchester. There were at least two hours of just heavy grey cloud before it started drizzling all day" – Chris Threlfall.

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BITS AND BOBS

Mikel John Obi has reached for his Best of Take That CD, skipped to track three and is repeatedly humming Back For Good in the direction of José Mourinho. "On and off the pitch he's a fantastic human being," he eyelash-fluttered.

Peter Odemwingie has reached for Jessie J's Who You Are and simply let track one play, as he insists his desire to leave West Brom is not about the money, money, money. "Taking these songs every five minutes from West Brom fans 'you greedy ba$tard' ... I'm already sick of it," he blathered.

'Arry Redknapp has had a lend of it too, but is more of an Everything Changes man as he promises an overhaul at QPR. "If they practised more rather than tweeted they would be better footballers," he grumbled of his squad. "Next year lots of things have to change here … some of them think they can do what they want when they want."

And Hollywood has reached for its Rocky box set after buying the rights to a Lionel Messi biography with a view to making a rags-to-riches dramatisation of the forward's life. Epic Pictures is promising a story of how Messi "overcame his physical shortcomings to become one of the greatest players of all time".