Parental Alienation and the Bystander Effect

This is a true story. A parent recently made a call to the local Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which had indicated by letter that should he have any concerns about ongoing child support issues, he could call the agency to discuss matters. His "concern" had in fact escalated over a period of thirteen years of forced estrangement from his child to a profound fear for the health and well-being of his son, now in his early twenties. Despite the invitation to call the agency, the curt reply to his desperate entreaties to the program officer was, first, that parental alienation was not an issue of professional concern to the agency as "the jury is still out on whether parental alienation even exists"; and second, that there was absolutely nothing the agency could do for him. The call was then abruptly ended by the program officer.

Tragically, this lack of response is routinely reported by parents alienated from their children, who seek the help of legal, child welfare and mental health professionals, and anyone who will listen to them, in a desperate attempt to find someone to intervene in this serious abuse of their children. As they muster the courage to break through shame and speak about their fears, anxiety, and profound grief, they continue to be subjected to a mean-spirited cultural response, where their woundedness is often ignored or, worse, mocked and ridiculed. In the rare instances where parents are listened to, there is rarely any offer of support in regard to the alienation. These responses are illustrations of the "bystander effect," which is the typical response not only of lay people but also, alarmingly, of child and family professionals, to reports of parental alienation.

In such an atmosphere alienated parents feel cut off and further alienated, isolated and alone, and their children remain at risk. The bystander effect is an attitude of indifference and apathy, a simple refusal to get involved or offer assistance to another in need. Most alienated parents are thus justifiably afraid of disclosing the alienation, trauma and abuse suffered by their children and themselves. They are repeatedly subjected to the bystander effect, particularly by professional helpers.

The "professional bystander" effect, where the lack of action of others discourages a professional service provider from intervening in an emergency situation, applies to the phenomenon of parental alienation; and the main features of the bystander effect, including ambiguity, a reticence to act, lack of empathy, perceiving abuse as "normal" human behavior, fear of becoming a target, and diffusion of responsibility, are all present in regard to parental alienation situations in which professionals become involved. Ambivalence and ambiguity exist among professionals despite what the research says about parental alienation; often, rather than immersing and educating themselves in the research, professionals monitor the reactions of other service providers to determine if it is necessary to intervene. If it is determined that others are not reacting to the situation, bystanders will interpret the situation as not an emergency and will not intervene, an example of pluralistic ignorance. Few people want to be the first to take action in ambiguous situations, particularly if they lack empathy in regard to the suffering of those affected; and they are slow to help a victim because they believe someone else will take responsibility. This is where the denial of parental alienation among some in the mental health field is most harmful.

The bystander phenomenon is particularly tragic and alarming because parental alienation is one of the most serious, yet largely unrecognized, forms of psychological abuse toward children, and affects a much larger number of North Americans than previously assumed. Alienating parents’ behavior constitutes psychological abuse when they manipulate and influence children to participate in depriving themselves of love, nurturance, and involvement with their other parent. Denial of and indifference to this form of abuse of children is reminiscent of society’s denial in the early twentieth century of the prevalence of physical and sexual abuse of children (Warshak, 2015). Parental alienation is also a form of psychological domestic violence, as the suffering of targeted parents is deep and unending, and represents a complex trauma of profound magnitude (Kruk, 2011). According to Bernet (2010), there is not only a large body of research validating the existence and harms of parental alienation, with over 500 articles on the subject, but also the published testimonies of thousands of adults who attest to having suffered through it as children, and other parents who are currently traumatized, watching helplessly as their relationships with their children are being destroyed. Harman & Biringen (in press) sampled a representative poll of adults in the United States, and found a startling rate of 13.4% of parents reporting that they have been alienated from one or more of their children by the other parent, with half of those reporting the alienation as severe. This percentage represents approximately 10.5 million parents in the US alone who are facing what they perceive to be parental alienation. The sheer magnitude of parental alienation indicates that this is a major social problem and a social justice issue for children and families. This takes the issue out of the realm of disinterested reportage and into the realm of action.

And this is where the problem lies: professional inaction in the face of abundant evidence of the large-scale and serious harms of parental alienation to children and parents. The real issue is the indifference of legal and mental health professionals who seem to be unaware of the existing research, deny the existence of parental alienation, and contribute to the harms suffered by children and parents through their inaction. Professional incompetence in both the assessment and treatment of parental alienation is a serious problem, as many mental health practitioners lack knowledge and competence in working with this population (Lorandos et al, 2013; Baker & Sauber, 2012).

This is not an acceptable state of affairs. Mental health professionals need to be held accountable, for both their denial and their inaction. It is the responsibility of professional service providers to support parents in the fulfillment of their parental responsibilities to their children's needs. The disregard of children's primary need for the love and care of both of their parents after parental separation requires a proactive approach on the part of professionally knowledgeable and competent mental health professionals working with this population.

In regard to parental alienation, the system is the problem; that is, the roots of alienation lie primarily in the adversarial nature of legal determination of parenting after divorce. Parents are set up to fight in an effort to win primary residence or custody of their children, and the system rewards those skilled in adversarial combat. Parents often win their case by disparaging the other parent as a parent, in effect engaging in alienating behavior, and alienating behavior is thereby encouraged. Once they obtain a court order, residential parents are placed in a position to exercise their revenge with impunity, confident that the non-resident parents have little or no rights. The saying, “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” holds true in primary residence awards. Thus the removal of a fit and loving parent as a primary caregiver from the life of a child, I would argue, is in itself a form of parental alienation, as children are robbed of their parent’s routine care and nurture, as well as that of their extended family.

Shared parenting, on the other hand, reduces the risk and incidence of parental alienation, because children continue to maintain meaningful routine relationships with both of their parents, and are thus less susceptible to the toxic influence of an alienating parent. At the same time, with shared parenting parents are not threatened by the potential loss of their relationship with their children, and a parent is less likely to denigrate the other parent in an effort to bolster their own sense of parental identity and obtain a primary residence order. Thus it behooves service providers to advocate for shared parenting in the interests of the children and families with whom they work.

Source: Shutterstock

In the words of Dietrich Boenhoffer, "Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act." Each of us has great potential power to act to help those in need, and to influence others to act. Above all else, in regard to parental alienation as a largely unrecognized form of child abuse and domestic violence, the message to professionals and non-professional lay people alike should be, “Don't be a bystander.” It takes moral courage to act, and in the case of parental alienation, action is urgently needed.

Baker, A. & Sauber, R. (2012). Working with Alienated Children and Families: A Clinical Guidebook. New York: Routledge.

Your opinion should not be published as anything other than that: it's just your opinion. That would becfine, of course, except that your opinion is presented as if it is based on evidrnce and it's not. It's just a regurgitation of s bunch of other opinions. You really should have made that clear at the outset -of the article. Pseudoscience at its worst - you should move to the US - we love pseudoscience here.

Oh - and to the owners of Psychology Today - I just canceled my subscription. Enough with the pseudoscience already. Yuck.

I could not disagree more with your comments about shared parenting:...Children are less susceptible to the toxic influence of an alienating parent. At the same time, with shared parenting parents are not threatened by the potential loss of their relationship with their children, and a parent is less likely to denigrate the other parent in an effort to bolster their own sense of parental identity...."

A relentless, many years long assault on the target parent by the toxic, narcissistic, alienating parent ABSOLUTELY has a PROFOUND negative effect on children and a PROFOUND negative effect on childrens' relationships with the target parent. In addition, a shared parenting arrangement has ZERO influence on the likelihood of a toxic, narcissistic, alienating parent to denigrate the target parent. Toxic, narcissistic, alienating parents are 100% likely to continue denigrating the target parent whether the court awards shared parenting, or not. Toxic, narcissistic, alienating parents are very skilled at instilling profound fear in both target parents and children. After sufficient abuse, it is not uncommon for children to decide that it is much safer to go along with and spend more time with the toxic, narcissistic, alienating parent.

Thanks, Susan, for your comment. I fully agree with you in regard to the relentless denigrating behavior of alienating parents, which in many cases will persist unabated, regardless of the child's residential arrangement. However, the influence and impact of the alienating parent on the child will be mitigated when the child is living in a shared as opposed to a sole residential arrangement. When the non-alienating parent is able to influence the child on an equal footing (ie within a shared parenting arrangement), their positive influence will go a long way to counterbalance the poison of the alienating parent's continued attempts to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent. Children desperately need that positive influence, as opposed to being in the exclusive care of a toxic alienating parent, which is the worst possible outcome.

I agree that shared parenting is a great start, but in my opinion, it is not the end.

When there is shared custody, there are many anecdotal reports of children simply staying in their room at the targeted parents home and declining to engage. And if I remember correctly, in "Adult Children of Parental Alienation", Amy Baker reported that 6% of parental alienation cases happened in an "intact family".

I would bet you never stopped a scared Snd confused 7 year old girl off with a father who leaves her with girlfriends and basically ignored her while blaming her for all of his problems.

I really resent psychologists like you - when kids like mine grow up with psychological problems because of court ordered situations like this you know what you will say? You'll say "I'm sorry". You should be sorry - too bad that means absolutely nothing to kids.

I believe that the NPD/BPD parent is NOT to be trusted and they are not interested in shared parenting anyway. It's an all or nothing situation for them and is all about control. One must not be naive to think that whilst they are visiting their child they will not be manipulating them. They do not know how to stop. Maybe when the children are much older this might be a safe thing to do when they are old enough to recognise the alienator's dysfunction. I think it is far to dangerous for shared parenting in these kind of severe alienation cases.

Hi Susan - I want to thank you for writing a great comment. You articulated the hell that my life has been with a narcissistic ex.

I am also happy to write that I am sick to death of reading these ridiculous accounts by these pseudo scientists who refer to nebulous "research studies" that allegedly establish that 50/50 parenting is the best thing since sliced bread.

Every time I read some long involved explanation of how "co-parenting" after divorce should be, the overwhelming feeling I always get is this: if I had had my child with a person who is this reasonable after divorce I would never have had to leave this person and go through a nightmare divorce and custody battle in the first place.

And another thing - ad a physician I actually can speak with authority and say this - there is straight up no such thing as "parental alienation syndrome". The person who came up with this theory committed suicide shortly after it was discovered that his research findings were completely fabricated (much like the person who presented research "establishing" a link between vaccinations and autism" in the Lancet.

Christine, so if your ex is a narcissist, I can see why co-parenting is basically impossible.

Some narcissists engage in "pathogenic parenting". Does this sound like what they are doing:
https://sites.google.com/site/centralohiopa/summary-of-pathogenic-parenting

Many narcissists are able to effectively obtain full custody by completely ignoring court orders and other means. I believe when a normal range parent ends up with no custody, then shared parenting sounds good to them.

However, if the narcissist engages in DSM V995.51, child psychological abuse, then I would see it as a child protection issue, probably a temporary one. Few recognize V995.51 when they see it.

Hi Howie, that was really nice if you to respond in a calm way to me. My comments to you were aggressive and I'm sorry about that. Whenever someone writes/speaks to me in a kind way about this subject it make me feel good and bad at the same time. Good in the sense that instead of saying - you are crazy, you are the problem, you should try harder- you say yes, these kinds of extreme situations exist. Unfortunately the legal system is more dangerous than dealing with the narcissist. My experience was that my ex's psychological profile clearly pointed out my ex's psych issues but the judge didn't care. I still am not over test and have done everything in my power to keep my ex happy do God doesn't take me back to court. I just want my child to get to 18 as intact as possible so she has a chance at a happy life. I never thought this would be the thing that I would be aiming for in life. It's just so terrible. Thanks for your nice comment though.

The alienation does not end when children turn 18 years-old. They become "adults" who speak for themselves and legal strategies shift from family court to civil/criminal court. Custody issues become harassment charges and restraining orders based on gross false allegations being filed by these "adults."

So it's not possible to alienate a child from a parent? If the narcissist does this to a parent through the children what do u call it ? At one time the diagnosis you do agree with was once probably called a pseudoscience ? Funny if its not real or doesn't exist how come it's a criminal act in Mexico and Brazil ?

Hi Christine,
THANK GOD someone has written this!!! THIS (PAS) theory was thrown out long ago by Numerous PhD's in the Academe. That this fruitless, ongoing subject is still being discussed now - Has one asking themselves 'What Social Engineering motives' are really behind this ongoing push of a defeated theory.
The studies of the ill effects of PDs on children, and there safety is the element that needs more attention throughout family court worldwide.
Maybe if the Australia family court had taken notice of the dangers, instead of have the ambulances at the bottom of the cliffs waiting, we as a country wouldn't seen any more fathers throwing their children of bridges to their death.

Thank you for addressing the need for legal and mental health professionals to take the lead on acknowledging and acting upon evidence of parental alienation. However, more than these strangers who encounter our children are needed to prevent, stop, and desist alienating parents from this insidious form of spousal and child abuse. "The sheer magnitude of parental alienation indicates that this is a major social problem . . . " This social problem includes family, friends, neighbors, teachers, and those whom the children know and trust to help them deal with the trauma of parental erasure. The high-functioning, narcissistic, borderline, alienating parent inflicts psychological torture (gaslighting, mobbing, social bullying) on the targeted parent as the children watch in horror. This experience determines the child's fate . . . to succumb to the alienator's programming demands or suffer the same fate as their beloved parent. The silence of those trusted adults in these children's lives are equally culpable for the life-altering trauma that these children experience. Make no mistake. The derailment of parental alienation efforts requires acknowledgement and action by EVERY person in the life of a child suffering from effects of alienating programming and brainwashing. Children, youth, young adults, and even adults deserve the validation of these alienating experiences and responsible action. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing.”

Dr. Kruk, on behalf of myself and all the other alienated parents, your focus and attention to this very unfortunate situation of Parental Alienation are very much appreciated. That said, I don't think your article goes far enough in its critique of the shortcomings in your profession, and the mental health profession's culpability in this epidemic. To me, as a layperson, it is shameful that the current APA position on Parental Alienation is that it "does not have a position", on whether or not this problem even exits. Given the large and growing problem that PAS creates for families and society, for the APA and other professionally trained therapists to actively try to ignore the problem is (in my personal opinion) less a matter of passive bystanding, and more an issue of willful blindness. While there are precious few mental health professionals such as yourself (and only a few dozen nationally) who are involved in understanding and bringing this epidemic to light, child and family professionals practicing in areas they don't have expertise, tend to make a bad situation significantly worse. Many in the mental health community have never been trained or are not overseen in this area, which has been one of the reasons that this problem has been allowed to grow and become more out of control over these last few years (the legal profession is equally culpable, but at its root PAS is a mental health issue). This is not an attack on you, but intended to argue that the abject failure of an entire industry of supposed medical professionals, is in many cases not innocent indifference. Any improvement will have to come from within the mental health vocation, and PAS victims will be left to suffer.

What a great post - you nailed it Neal. This is what all of us target parents are trying to do. We are joining groups on the internet and writing letters to the APA to try and raise MH awareness about this terrible phenomenon and put an end to it's denial and trivialisation. The only way is to get recognition from the MH professionals.

Friends, I just joined CAPRA as one of the lead plaintiffs in an upcoming landmark federal class action lawsuit against all 50 States and the Federal Government, because I qualify as: (1) a biological parent whose child custody was unconstitutionally removed without due process; and, (2) I have been directly impacted by that during the last four years, i.e., within the statute of limitations. This class action is on behalf of *both* types of "family court" -- for wrongful victims of divorce-and-similar-with-kids *and* for wrongful victims of child protection services -- and includes suing on behalf of ANY parent affected by either "family court" type.
It's totally free to join, and the federal court relief being demanded includes the full restoral of my child custody rights under law, plus a nice share of the large amount in civil damages expected. Although no amount of money could ever replace the lost time, WE MUST FIGHT BACK!
It just requires entering someone's referral Code to join, so PLEASE use mine - 80233BM406 - in the CAPRA registration form, located on the bottom of the homepage at http://parentalrightsclassaction.com
Plus, check out their power-packed Legal Tips page for all parents fighting family court.
REFERRAL CODE 80233BM406

What on earth Susan? As an attorney I have never seen a case like what you are referring to. Also, as an attorney well versed in family law (the 8th circle of hell as far as I am concerned) it's always the parents like you who are victimized by everyone - the judge, the system, your ex, your child- you should post your psychological test you had to submit to during your custody proceeding. I would get my life that a diagnosis of narcissism is lurking throughout the entire result report. I'm on to people like you but lmthank God you exist - I just bought the most beautiful second vacation home in Lake Tahoe because of narcissists like you - thanks! But I feel really sorry for your kids. Poor you - I'm sure none of it your fault.

What your article fails to mention is the people that use the term parental alienation as a justification for their initial bad, thoughtless,immoral actions. When a divorce happens due to infidelity and the children are blindsided immediately and forced to accept the OW or OM into their already crushed life, resentment is already there for the parent who is perpetrating this, they are alienating themselves from their children by their rash choices. It is disgusting when the parent who is stable is accused of Parental alienation for justification purposes.

The disconnect and faulty argument in this "Anonymous" posting is that "infidelity" happens between a husband and wife and children of any age should not be involved. Period! An alienating parent will usually use infidelity or other marital issues as reasons to encourage their children to reject a loving parent. Those adults who are unable to separate their marital issues from family issues are the ones who put their children at risk for psychological abuse. Parental alienation is the process by which psychologically-impaired parents put their own selfish needs before their children's. They develop a campaign against their children's other parent and drag the children in the middle as a weapons.That is parental alienation, not the "rash choices" made in the context of the marriage.

First of all the "selfishness " begins when infidelity happens, why don't we all take a big step back and look at why we are speaking about co parenting, our society is one where marriage, vows, the union of two lives and family are nothing but disposable, everything nowadays can just be replaced with very little care or thought and God forbid there be consequences. If marriage ends and there are no children involved its unfortunate but as soon as children are brought into this world, and mind you they did not ask to be born, we CHOSE to get married and we CHOSE to have children, selfishness needs to be replaced with selflessness. So our goal now is to raise our children in a secure home, teaching them to be kind, moral people, teaching them to hold to their word and commitments, teaching them not to steal, cheat or lie. Now every marriage has its issues, it wouldn't be marriage without ups and downs. Infidelity destroys lives and yes infidelity is between a husband and wife but it in turn destroys a family unit, period! Every case is different but I'm speaking on behalf of the women and men that get left abruptly and the the OW or OM is introduced immediately, thats the definition of selfish. My children and I were blindsided, the same children that were raised to be good, kind, honest and moral. So when this happens and mind you my kids were pre teen, teens, they knew in their hearts that their fathers actions were not appropriate and they refused to accept or and conform to it. THEY chose to not be part of his life, I never told them or coerst them to feel the way they felt. I never made a campaign against him, didnt use them as weapons, instead got them into counseling and told them to follow their hearts. Children have feelings about this and for the parents out there that are alienating, I dont condone it but stop using parental alienation as an excuse to justify bad ,rash choices. Fyi, my boys do not have a relationship with their father and it is because they choose that, they are happy, secure, moral, honest young men. I have an idea, lets all remember what marriage and parenting is, a commitment. Stop turning parents who are not alienating into the villans and take a look at the voices of the children involed, every case is different!

I agree wholeheartedly that both professional/institutional forces and individual apathy combine to reinforce the status quo.

Two well known quotations on the “Bystander Effect” come to mind:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

- Pastor Martin Niemöller

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

The good news is that Parental Alienation has progressed to the “then they fight you” phase using Gandhi’s characterization. Although Parental Alienation was ultimately not included as a specifically named disorder in the last revision of DSM, the intense debate leading up to the decision makes it clear it’s on the radar of mental health professionals... and remains very much on the reform agenda.

Likewise, shared parenting as one solution approach to Parental Alienation has recently been embraced by the Social Science community with academic naysayers changing sides or, in some instances, girding themselves for an ideological last stand in a forlorn attempt to save professional face.

The battle is far from won, but the tide is definitely turning. Moral courage is required now more than ever for the last big push. Thanks for a great article.

Wow - George? Are you my ex? Why is everyone always against you? Gandhi??? Ghandi knows you're a self obsessed person. For you to even put yourself on the same level as the truly oppressed shows your real character. Poor you - noone understands you do they? Don't kid yourself - they do. You just don't like what they see.

Thank you for shining some light on this very serious social and mental health issues. Unless the general public have an understanding of what alienation is, they will never take action to help out those in need. Much appreciated.

In my experience, there has been very little support from mental health professionals in addressing my antisocial ex. The court awarded him 50% custody after an exhaustive case. He routinely breaks the parenting agreement, denies access during holidays, disparages, 'smears' me to authority figures, and excludes me from my children's lives during his seven consecutive parenting days (denies calls, etc.)

It is terribly expensive to take him to court every time he breaks the agreement. Additionally, my children have seen two therapists who've stood by doing nothing to stop his behavior.

He's presents himself an intelligent professional, but he is manipulative, calculated, and arrogant in behavior. His agenda is to cause pain in my life and the children seem to be his possessions.

I've experienced the "bystander effect". How loud can I cry for help? No one seems to care about verbal and emotional abuse. I am told to fight him in court but I do not have the financial resources, nor are they available to help with legal fees. Ohio Legal Aide will not assist those with a parenting agreement already established.

My children and I continue to be traumatized. Sadly, I look forward to their 18th birthdays because I will finally be free from their father.

Agreed, because most therapists aid the alienator and therefore harm the child, and because it is the job of the American Psychological Association to fix that, I am joining a demonstration on Aug 4th at the headquarters of the American Psychological Association:

Here are two event descriptions for the same event:
https://www.facebook.com/events/904259996338780/
https://www.facebook.com/events/1901841500042511/

in 1988 my husband left me for another woman when my children were 4 and 14 months. I was devastated but FOR THE SAKE OF THE GIRLS he had regular visitation, even when he brought his girlfriend with him from the very first time! He used his visitation to entice the children to want to live with him. There were 3 custody battles which I won, without question as the better, more responsible parent. When the girls were 13 and 10 he began yet another custody battle. By this time, I was out of money, my mother refused to support me financially and emotionally and told me, "Let him have them! Leave them alone and they'll come home wagging their tails behind them!" I knew I would never see them again!!!!! My ex instructed my children to run away from home at every opportunity and to tell their teachers that I had been hitting them! I asked for the court's intervention, but all they did was give him MORE visitation. More visitation to create havoc in my life! After having the girls for the entire summer they refused to come home! I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ALLOW MY GIRLS TO GO LIVE WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE! My first open school night in my daughter's new school, I read in my 10 year old's note book a composition she wrote, "The Best Thing I Ever Did" "The best thing I ever did was leave my mother and go to live with my father...." I left the school in tears! I never got visitation as even though the court ordered it, my ex said, "They don't want to go, I can't force them!" And the judge never said, "FORCE THEM!" However, the judge did tell me I had to pay CHILD SUPPORT. I paid, $88,000.00 to him when I was single and struggling and he did NOT need the money! Today I am almost 62 years old. My baby is now almost 30 years old and hasn't talked to me since she was 10! My older girl is 32 and has two children of her own. We had a short reconciliation but now she is keeping her children from me as her father once kept her from me. I have PTSD from which I have never recovered. I do not trust anyone. I have no close friends. And if I died, no one would care, except my pets.

Seriously. Thank you for this. I stumbled upon this term today and realized that my NPD father did this to me as a child and quite literally broke me as a person, even to this day. This is yet another threat I will unravel.