Home of writer & comedian Justin Hagerman

The 38-year-old reptile sits down with TheComedyPage to discuss his new book “Coke & Cowabunga: The True Story of the TMNT”

It is a mild afternoon in January and we are sitting outside a Greek café in the Lower East Side. Michelangelo, or “Mikey” as he is known to his friends, leans back into his chair as the waitress brings us our drinks. “Bacardi and diet?” she asks. “Right here” says Michelangelo. The now more-than-slightly-portly turtle explains that he is under strict doctor orders to watch his waistline. “My mom had diabetes,” he says. “Gotta watch what I eat. Getting a little cramped in this shell.”

A small crowd of teenagers hustle by us on skateboards. Michelangelo smiles as if reminiscing. He moved into this neighborhood two years ago after his divorce. “It’s still a melting pot after all these years.” he says. “No one seems to think it’s strange that a giant mutant turtle is walking around. It’s nice to be able to go out and get groceries without some yuppie pissing his pants when they see your tail.”

Crisply dressed in a Tommy Hilfiger button mock sweater and jeans, he seems to relax a bit more as he sips his drink. “Some kid called me ‘Raph’ on the way over here. Really? After all these years? I know, he was just a kid, but still, Christ man. I’m the orange one.”

THECOMEDYPAGE (TCP): Do you still keep in touch with your brothers?

MICHELANGELO: Oh, yeah. Just saw Donnie last week actually. Everyone is living in the city again, which is cool. Once Splinter was diagnosed (with Alzheimer’s) we all decided it would be best if we were closer to him.

TCP: How is Splinter doing?

MICHELANGELO: Pretty bad-he can’t remember anything from the last 20 years. He still thinks he’s human. One of the nurses called him a rat and he jump-kicked her into his armoire. That was a mess. He even believes Oroku (The Shredder) is still alive and is his best friend. He’s always like “When’s Oroku coming by?” and I just want to tell him “Dude, ol’ Shred Head is gone.” Editor’s note: Oroku Saki died during a prison riot in 2003.

TCP: How do they feel about you releasing this book?

MICHELANGELO: They haven’t said anything but I can tell they’re uneasy. But I think once the read it they’ll see there’s nothing to worry about. All this shit went down a long time ago man, and we were kids. At least we turned out better than those Partridge Family brats.

TCP: It’s brutally honest. The rampant drug use on set was staggering. Is it safe to say that you were high during most of the series?

MICHELANGELO: Well let me be clear: I never wanted to do that damn show. I knew nothing good would come of it, and contrary to popular opinion I’m a private dude. Give me some comics and a Steve Martin record and I’m good for the day. But we needed the money. Living in a sewer gets old after awhile. It’s hard to pick up chicks when you live in a sewer. You’re like ‘Wanna come back to my place? Just ignore the river of shit outside my room, baby.’

That being said, yeah, I was pretty lit most of the show. We all did weed, that was no big deal. Even Splinter was into it-he would go away to “meditate” and an hour later he would stumble out of the dojo with bloodshot eyes. Splinter could fuck up a plate of sushi when he was stoned, let me tell you. He saw it as a healthy way to relax, but in no way did he condone my heavier drug use.

TCP: When did you start with the cocaine?

MICHELANGELO: I think it was during the second season. Casey (Jones) introduced me to it while we were waiting for Cory (the dwarf who played “Krang”) to get into that big ridiculous suit of his. People seem surprised when I tell them Casey did blow. I’m like ‘Really? The dude was 30 and had no job, no family, and ran around in hockey gear at night. How is this surprising?’ He always claimed he got kicked out of pro hockey because of an injury. I don’t think anyone ever bought that shit.

Donatello and Michelangelo get high during a break filming their first movie.

TCP: So at what point did you realize you had a problem? Did your brothers stage an intervention?

MICHELANGELO: No, that never happened. Leo likes to claim that he tried to get me into rehab but that’s bull. Truth is we were all so caught up in our own hype that even though we spent all day together on set, we were never really close to each other. Frankly I didn’t think I had a problem ’till I realized I had no money. Like, nothing. I had blown everything on coke. Plus, I was surrounded by hanger-ons who were always hitting me up for ‘loans.’

TCP: What did you do when you realized you were broke?

MICHELANGELO: I whored myself out man. Do you remember all that shitty merchandise? That was all my idea. If someone offered me money to put my image on something I said yes, no questions asked. Someone recently e-mailed me a link to an eBay bid for a ‘Sewer Surfin’ Mike’ action figure. Do you fucking believe that? I must have been coked out of my mind to approve that shit. It’s kind of funny now though. I bought one and now I keep it on top of my toilet.

'Sewer Surfin' Mike'

TCP: When did you finally decide to seek treatment for your addiction?

MICHELANGELO: Right after the third movie was released, the one about time travel. God that was bad. I caught it on Starz a few years back-I don’t think I had ever seen it before. It was unbelievably bad. I can’t believe they put it in theaters. (laughs) Casey was so messed up during that movie, they didn’t even let him time travel with us. His ass never left the sewer. (cont.)

Michelangelo at a NYC strip club in 1990. He famously went through $10,000 in one night.

I know it sounds weird but I couldn’t tell you why I decided to go into rehab. I think I just got to a point where I realized that if I didn’t quit soon I would be turtle soup before I was 25. I mean at one point I was sleeping in the Party Van on a nightly basis. Some crazy, ultra-illegal shit went down in that van. But, once I kicked cocaine I never looked back. Been clean since ’93.

TCP: That’s great. So what are your plans for the future?

MICHELANGELO: I’m hoping to use the money from the book to start a charity for troubled teens called “Shell Shocked.” I’m working with Corey Feldman and other former child stars with a history of drug abuse. I’m going to auction off some stuff from the show and I’m expecting to raise a lot of money from that.

TCP: That’s awesome, congratulations. Thank you so much for sitting down with us.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize to a small but special group of people in the world-the other Justin Hagermans. I was bored at work today so I Googled myself for the first time.

I would now like to take this opportunity to say “I’m sorry.”

I cannot imagine how hard life has been for all of you because of me. How many prospective jobs have fallen through at the last minute because an interviewer Googled your name? How many first dates have been cancelled because a woman saw who she thought was you on the internet, holding their hand out with faux sperm in front of a group of children?

An old image of me from a college film that’s still floating around the internet. My estimate is this has cock blocked no less than 148 Justin Hagermans.

Bits on my old website that have cost you from moving up the social ladder:

I’m sorry fellas. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, really. I’m sure many of you had promising futures before I came along: Astronauts, doctors, politicians-but thanks to the internet (and me), none of this will ever come to be. Maybe they don’t have Google in the Czech Republic? I’m sure they still need doctors in the Czech Republic. Why golly, I bet you could even be the President there!

I would like to tell you that from now on I promise to be a fine, upstanding citizen with two kids, a white picket fence, and a wife I didn’t pay for.

Recent budget cutbacks have forced NASA to cancel their Mars exploration program, even as most scientists agree that we are closer than ever to finding life on the planet.

This is aggravating to me, so I hit the streets and asked people how they would save the Mars mission.

Here were the most popular suggestions:

32% – Sell advertising space on the Opportunity rover à la NASCAR.

23% – Send the Kardashians to Mars for a new reality show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians (While They Still Have a Sufficient Oxygen Supply), and a spin-off series, Kourtney and Khloé TakeOlympus Mons.

18% – Make the iPhone 5 available exclusively on Mars and use the fanboy line as a space railroad.

11% – Build a new shuttle from an IKEA kit. Call your parents afterwards to let them know you put it together all by yourself.

8% – Send Rush Limbaugh there. I don’t care if it won’t raise any money, just fucking do it man.

I last updated this site in 2009, at which time I decided I was finished with blogging. I had been posting regularly for a few years so I figured this site had enough content to appease everyone. Sure, most of it was from 1998, but so what? Bits like “Goat Porn” and “Spanish Condom Names” never get old-that shit killed when I was 15. Why bother adding anything new?

So, a few years passed and I forgot about this site. Seriously, I never looked at it. Occasionally a friend would say something like, “Dude, you really need to check it out. It’s bad. Really, really bad.” I would get e-mails from concerned readers-”U ok? U dead r sumthing?”-but I didn’t worry too much. I was too preoccupied with real life matters to care about my web presence.

But then, one day last fall, I woke up and found that I had a ton of e-mails about the 10! Show thing that went down in 2007. I mean, aton. A producer had left me a voicemail about using the clip on their show. Some German guy e-mailed me something in German (I could only understand “NBC” and “Sperm”). Apparently someone had stumbled across the video on YouTube and posted it to Reddit, and from there it spread like wildfire. I was stoked! This was my moment!

It was at that point that I decided to visit my website for the first time in over three years.

People were right. It was BAD. Goat Porn? Spanish Condom Names? Who wrote this shit? I felt like a negligent parent who left their kid in the car while they went into the store, then ran into someone they knew, sold that person their car, bought a new car, then went to pick their kid up at soccer practice the next day. Another parent’s like “Did you bring the orange slices?” and they reply “Oops, must have left them in my……..OH. SHIT.”

I had long ago lost the software I used to update my site. F**k, I couldn’t even remember my password. Tens of thousands of people were trying to learn more about me and all they found was a 2009 post about my day at Barnes & Noble.

So here we are. I’ve ditched everything old and I’ve started fresh with WordPress. I may post some of the more popular older blogs in an archive, but other than that I’m determined to fill this site with new content. So, subscribe and check back often. Hell, I may even get a Twitter account.

-Justin

P.S. If it’s 2015 and this is still on the main page, I am sorry. I promise I will update soon.

What a crappy apocalypse. Seriously, what a let down. Polar bears drowning? Baby boomers losing their 401(k)s? A successful Vin Diesel movie? If this apocalypse were a movie, I’d walk out. Jerry Bruckheimer could direct a better end-of-the-world story than God has. Every major religion from Christianity to Nostradamus-ity has been hyping a kick-ass apocalypse for centuries, and this is what we get? Wish I still had my Bible receipt.

What’s even worse, this new President seems hell-bent on preventing a cool apocalypse. That means it is up to all of us to pitch in and do what we can to bring on the fire and brimstone. Let’s not drop the ball like we did with Y2K, people. For your convenience, I have brainstormed a few ideas to help you inch us closer to the edge. But be patient! Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.

Step 1. Contribute to Swine Flu hysteria by bringing a Mexican pig to work

This homeless dude is always proclaiming “The world is ending”, but because he is crazy looking, nothing he says is ever taken seriously. BUT, give him a clean shave and a JoS A. Bank suit, and suddenly he becomes a little more convincing…

It sure does, homeless dude. It sure does.

Step 3. Make up stuff about the President to fanaticize right-wingers

Know that guy at work who is always listening to Rush Limbaugh and harassing Jose the janitor? Well, next time you see him in the break room, casually work this sentence into a conversation:

“Hey _____, did you hear that Obama wants to legalize gay fetuses?”

It doesn’t make any sense, but boy does it sound controversial!

This fetus is sporting chaps.

So you see, there is something everyone can do to expedite our seemingly imminent destruction. The dinosaurs got taken out by a big rock; surely we can do better than that!

I am sad to report that a close friend of mine was lost last week. We first met about a year and 1/2 ago, but didn’t truly become close until just a few months ago, when I was laid off. He was a pillar of strength during those trying times. When crushing boredom threatened my sanity, and all of my Netflix DVDs had been viewed, I could rely on him to lift my spirits. Along with our mutual friend Jack Daniel, we would work together to get through the hell that is 1-8 p.m. Yes my friends, my Xbox 360 is dead, taken in his prime by a faulty circuit.

Anyone who has ever owned an Xbox will tell you that this is inevitable. However, knowing this doesn’t make it any less traumatic when it actually happens. Sean and I were playing Call of Duty 3 online when all-of-a-sudden, three red rings appeared on the console’s status indicator. I immediately knew what had happened. I put down my controller, huddled close to the console, and said goodbye.

His last words were “Dude, it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Sober up and get a job.” He was sick, so I know he didn’t mean it.

Do you know what it’s like reverting from an Xbox 360 back to a 16-bit Super Nintendo? It’s like making a space shuttle commander ride to work in a horse and buggy.

Just look at the screenshots below to see what I mean:

A guy battles a hot chick to the death in Soul Caliber IV.

Meanwhile, Mario stands on a block.

So I’ve decided to go back to the hobby I abandoned when I got into video games: Reading books! Let’s see, I’ll just pick up where I left off 17 years ago…here we are, “Danny and the Danger Dinos.”

Wow, that sounds like fun!

JH

P.S. If you don’t see any posts from me in a few weeks, start making funeral arrangements.

I finally received my rebate check, and it’s about damn time. It still feels weird getting money for doing nothing. I mean, at least hobos weather the elements and beg for it, or think up some elaborate Vietnam backstory (despite being only 35 years old) to get some pity change.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have a little extra spending $$$, but you have to admit the whole plan is flawed; the US government borrowed the money from Chinese banks, then gave it to American citizens to spend, giving the economy a collective reach-around. However, this is the Wal-Mart era, so most of the goods people will be buying will have been manufactured in China, and this is one of the main reasons we’re in this whole mess to begin with. The funny thing is, our children will have to pay back the debt from these rebate checks, meaning they won’t have extra money to spend, meaning Chinese goods will sit on the shelf, meaning China will cut us more checks so we can buy more Chinese shit, meaning our descendants’ chances of finding a non-service job will be even further diminished, meaning…we’re screwed, right? Nope! Yes, Uncle Sam keeps racking up more and more national debt, BUT, if he’s putting all this debt on a credit card, we’re going to have tons of frequent flyer miles coming our way. We can then use these to fly to other countries, like China, which will have plenty of jobs. See, everything works itself out in the end! (Five bucks to anyone who can figure out how many frequent flyer miles $10 trillion on an American Express card will get you)

“I Want You!…To pay this back.”

You think I’m some anti-American liberal now, right? Well buddy, not only did I spend my rebate check (instead of saving it, which defeats the purpose), but I spent it on an American-made mattress, and on the 4th of July to boot! So suck it, Commie. I’ll leave you with a video that is a shining example of capitalism at work, and an entertaining example at that: Paul Anka singing “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

P.S. Speaking of YouTube, if you haven’t done so already check out my Gotham performancehere. Feel free to forward it to your friends and co-workers, so I can compete with Bo Burnham and other YouTube stars/annoying a**holes.

I read today that Bill Gates has retired. Reporters seem to be focusing on all that Mr. Gates has contributed to computing/modern technology, and while that’s very interesting, no one seems to be discussing what history’s richest man will be doing in retirement.

Bill seems to have limitless possibilities on how to enjoy his downtime, but since he’s been so busy he probably hasn’t given it much thought. To help him brainstorm some ideas, I’ve scratched out an itinerary of what I would do on my first day of retirement as the world’s richest man:

Noon: R2-D2 alarm clock (complete with Kenny Baker) wakes you up with a cheerful Paul McCartney tune, written personally for you. R2 informs you that your stocks made another $100 million overnight, all without you lifting a finger. You’re outraged by this-You’re supposed to be retired, and that means no working, even if it was done for you by someone else while you were sleeping. You inform Kenny that his services are no longer needed.

Morning exercise: Bike ride with Lance Armstrong. It’s one of those two-seater bikes, except you’re not doing any peddling. Mr. Armstong doesn’t mind, because you’ve promised that a new cloned testicle awaits him at the finish line. This is a lie.

2 pm-Dallas cheerleading squad sponge bath

3 pm-Lunch prepared by Emeril. It’s just some EZ Mac, but you wanted it heated-up by Emeril. You pretend to care as he laments about missing his daughter’s wedding.

4 pm-Your assistant informs you that he’s begun acquiring items on your list of “Things It Would Be Fun To Put Up On eBay.” The Shroud of Turin is already fetching a pretty nice lump of dough, with Ted Turner as the current high bidder.

7 pm-Conference call with Korean scientists. Your Lassie clone is coming along nicely. Unfortunately, Timmy #7 isn’t fairing so well. The arm growing out of its mouth couldn’t be removed, so it was euthanized. They’re optimistic about Timmy #8, however. You tell them they better be, because what the hell use is a Lassie clone without Timmy? What are they, crazy?

8 pm-Downtime with some video games. You play the classic “Super Mario Brothers” game. Not the Nintendo version, mind you; you’ve hired Broadway actors to dress as plumbers, and you control them using a special remote. You fully realize what an awesome idea this was as they begin to jump on dwarves dressed as mushrooms.

9 pm-Update: Timmy #8 went berserk and ransacked the lab, killing nine scientists and maiming countless others. Arghh! You just can’t find good help these days.

10 pm-Bedtime. Morgan Freeman reads you a bedtime story written for you by a chimp implanted with Shakespeare’s brain. The stories have been pretty good so far, but you’re growing tired of plots being resolved by the throwing of fecal matter.

I hope you’ve found this useful, Mr. Gates. If you require further assistance, you may commission me as a “Billionaire Retirement Spending Time Specialist.” E-mail me for resume.

It seems like you can’t turn on the TV nowadays without being overwhelmed by political news, tickers, blogs, polls, statistics, commentators, Wolf Blitzer, pundits, Wolf Blitzer, predictions, or Wolf Blitzer. I used to be really into this stuff, too. Man, I could tell you who you were voting for before you even knew who you were voting for. Well, chalk it up to my current situation, but I just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Maybe I’m just in my jaded mid-20’s, who knows. Frankly, I’m not sure we should trust anyone who wants to be President right now. What a clusterf**k they have to deal with! They’ll feel like a pledge cleaning up a frat house the morning after a huge blowout party. Despite my disdain for the current political climate, however, I’d like to take this opportunity to formally announce my candidacy for the 2036 Presidential election.

“Hold on,” you’re probably thinking, “you’re not qualified to be President, you silly-billy!” Well guess what, a-hole, I am. (That right there was called self-censorship, which is key on the campaign trail. By abbreviating a**hole, I avoided offending any voters).

I know it seems like a long way off, but 2036 is right around the corner. While other candidates may procrastinate running for President until 2035, I’m a man of action, not words. Well, unless words are needed to describe my actions.

Following is a quick overview of my 2036 Presidential platform:

Give everyone a million dollars

Repeal the hovercraft tax bill of 2028

Build a global fence to keep out illegal extraterrestrial aliens

Legalize gay clone marriage

Deport all elderly people to a car-less island

Create a new cabinet post, “Secretary of Awesome,” and appoint Led Zeppelin

Neuter people who still wear their hats backwards

My cabinet will consist of the following qualified individuals (granted human cloning has been mastered and fictional characters have become real):

Vice President-Seth Green (it’d be an easy transition for people)

Secretary of Defense-Bruce Lee

Secretary of the Interior-Martha Stewart

Secretary of Agriculture-Broccoli

Department of Transportation-The Flash

Secretary of the Treasury-Mr. T

This campaign is in its early stages, but check back for “Hags 2036” t-shirts, buttons, and thongs. I’m currently accepting donations, so by all means, send me your life savings. If you don’t, it means you’re not a patriot and you hate America. Your choice, comrade…