Is Empty Nest Syndrome ruining your relationship?

Anna Albright, a cognitive behavioural therapist, reveals how to overcome children leaving home.

You’ve dreamt of your children leaving home - allowing you and your partner endless freedom. Then when it happens your relationship is back in the spotlight - and not always in a good way.

Here cognitive behavior therapist Anna Albright explains how the two of you can adjust...
1. Recognise the sense of loss

It’s not a figment of your imagination – when children leave home you are more than likely to feel a sense of loss.

In plain and simple terms you’re experiencing grief and it makes perfect sense - after all you’ve been with them right from conception!

From pregnancy and birth through to first steps and starting school, all the steps you've been through are natural, and this is just another one of them.

To help adjust remember:
- You are still a mother - you have just lost the everyday role of mothering
- You’ve lost their physical presence but you haven’t lost connection & contact
- You’ve lost the usual recipient of your daily care – turn the attention to yourself
- You’ve lost an element of purpose – turn the attention to your partner and your relationship
- This is another stage in their life – and yours

Having children is something that builds connection and family life, however, it leaves little time for the emotional and physical side of a relationship that we typically take for granted and put on ice.

Raising children is no small achievement and you’ve both done it. A great team effort that calls for congratulations. Acknowledge what you’ve done as parents and turn your attention to invigorating your relationship as partners.

3. Keep the gains front of mind

It’s important to face the tough elements at this life stage and equally important to keep real about what’s going on so as not to over-dramatise it. Your kids are simply not at home. You are still a mother, they remain your kids and you will adjust. Get with the gains and not just the losses.

Use the opportunity to think about what’s important to you as an individual and not just a parent.

Think about the next phase of your life and what you would like to experience and achieve. Remember it’s not a race and adapting to change is best done over time.

If the children were ever an obstacle to any activity or pursuit – the excuse has now gone – whether it’s travelling extensively, working at weekends or taking up a time-consuming hobby like sailing or golf.

4, Talk about it (but not too much) and when you're done talking, start doing

Discussing how you feel about the empty nest is key to dealing with it - but don’t talk about it to death.

Talk to your partner about how you can both really reap some benefits and start living for yourselves in a different way.

You and your partner will have individual responses to the children leaving and the now empty home.

You need to appreciate that a different response to your own is okay. Remember just because someone misses their kids doesn’t mean to say you’re not enough. It’s about their personal feelings – not their personal feelings towards you.

Have an honest conversation with your partner and acknowledge how you feel about them. They may have noticed that you seem different to be around – and you will be if you feel down. If you look at the problem together you’re less likely to look at your partner and ask aren’t I enough?

6. Plan ahead

Here’s what I tell my patients: if you know you’re going to be travelling in the desert, it makes sense to stock up on water ahead of time. Similarly, we know that when the nest is empty we will most likely feel sad. So stock up on friends and plans to go out.

The house may suddenly be quiet and suddenly it’s just you and your partner after a very long time and suddenly you’ve got gaps to fill in your emotional and social lives. Do some of the things you weren’t able to do in the past – together.

If you do things on your own that you find inspiring you’ll bring that inspiration to the relationship.

Don’t get into the position where you feel that you have to fill a nest – just take the opportunity to have different experiences together.

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