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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Walking into the seedy, dark foyer, Ben pushed down any feelings of fear or guilt. He was guided along the narrow hallway, his head buzzing, his breath shallow, his heart pounding. When Ben entered the small, dimly lit room, he was oblivious to the dank smell, the sleazy surroundings, and even the woman who stood in front of him. Ben was high.

Much to Ben's surprise, he wanted only one thing, and it wasn't sex. He wanted this stranger to hold him against her large, warm bosom and hum to him. When she did, Ben let out a long sigh and finally was able to relax.

Once again, Ben was in the emotional bosom of his childhood nanny. But along with the return to Nanny came the anger implicit in the association of sexual pleasure with the forbidden. And along wit the forbidden came the shame of transgression. Like an alcoholic who, after a period of sobriety, takes the next drink, the doors of addiction swung wide open for Ben. Pleasure and shame were his heady cocktail, and he would subconsciously pursue them both with greater and greater intensity.

Soon Ben's sexual acting out became more blatant and dangerous. He would use unprotected sex with strange women. He invited a trick back to his home and got rid or her just seconds before his wife walked in the door. He spent large sums on prostitutes, heedless that his spending would be easy to discover. Sexuality was now fused with danger, as if been were inviting disgrace for being the shameful, disgraced person he believed he was.

Ben had been in an alarm reaction since the birth of the twins, when he imagined that his wife's diversion of attention from him to the children was similar to his mother's abandonment of him. He had been jolted back in time to memories of his childhood. His wife was transformed into his mother, and the resentment, anger, and rage had been harbored for so many years erupted into a binge lasting several years.

It wasn't until Ben's wife investigated unusual charges on their monthly credit card statement that Ben ended up in my office.

"Why do you go to prostitutes?" I ask.
"Because I can't get what I want from my wife," he says with a slight tone of indignation.
"What is it you want?"
"A little attention would be nice," he says in a sarcastic tone.
"Have you asked for that?"
"What's the use? After our third child was born, I knew I could kiss it goodbye."
"Kiss it goodbye?"
"Any attention from her," he says, his body melting into a defeated ball.
"How old do you feel right now?" I ask.
"I don't know," he says in an agitated tone."Well, check in with yourself because you and your body's facial expression look very young."

Ben lets out a sigh of exasperation, as if this type of introspection is beneath him.

"I guess about three," he says, rolling his eyes.
"Three years old," I repeat.
"Um humm."
"Well, that is a problem because I can't work with a three-year-old; I need to work with your adult."

Ben's forehead furrows, and he narrows his eyes as if to center me in the crosshairs of a rifle: "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You look confused." I say.
"Yeah, just a little," he says, even more exasperated.
"Well, let me float my idea by you, and see if it fits."

Ben says nothing but lets me continue.

"When you were born, I believe you had a traumatic response that propelled you back to your original wounding, the abandonment by your mother. This triggered feelings of shame, which were intolerable, and so you moved to anger--sexual anger--to ease your pain, and you acted out."
"Makes sense," Ben says, barely nodding his head.
"If we overlay the original coping mechanism over your acting out behaviors, the are exactly the same, right down to the remaking of Nanny--same body type, same behavior."
"Humm... interesting," Ben says, making the connection. "So what do we do?" he ask with hope in his voice.
"That's easy. First you get sober, and next we heal your shame core."

Monday, April 1, 2013

Sexualized anger can be passive-aggressive, as it was when Ben stole Nanny's bras and masturbated, or it can be fully aggressive and overt. All sexual acting out, however, is motivated by feelings of shame and is manifested in acts and feelings of anger.

Ben married a woman who was very attentive to his needs and wants. She was expressive, emotional, and present to him emotionally. In fact the first few years of the marriage, Ben was happy. He and his wife enjoyed fulfilling, tender, and nurturing lovemaking. She listened to Ben's worries and problems, giving supportive and useful suggestions. In the mornings, they snuggled, and in the evenings, they took long walks in the woodland hillsides. Both were eager to start a family and, when their firstborn turned out to be twins, they were thrilled. The two little girls had bright blue eyes and dimples that matched their father's.

Ben knew little about caring for newborns. In his family of origin, that lesson was never modeled. Middle-of-the-night feedings left his wife exhausted and emotionally detached. He watched the little girls receiving much of the attention once reserved for him. Secretly, Ben was jealous. Not being cared for aroused familiar feelings deep in his psyche. That is the was his mother had made him feel.

Ben began having anxiety attacks. It was difficult for him to sleep or eat, but mostly Ben felt angry. "What about me?" he thought, resenting the bond between mother and daughters. "What happened to my loving, adoring, wife?"

Ben began to spend more time at the office. His anger continued to simmer until it finally exploded. "If she doesn't have time for me anymore, I'll find someone who does!" he thought. That afternoon, Bent went to his first massage parlor.