Looking at the point of simply being in a quiet moment, with me: that moment in itself.

I mean that since I have to deliberately make this space that aligns with the words ‘simply being in a quiet moment with me’, how I live these words sets a starting point of who I am in ‘simply being in a ‘quiet’ ‘moment’ ‘with’ ’me’. Quiet and Moment I had opened up, and walked to some extent, and I had found that a quality of ‘with’ had changed in redefining Care; somehow I’d opened up for me a deeper self intimacy. It was only through this change that I could see how the old ‘with’ that I had previously lived had been conditional.

In recognizing the creative nature of being, in a world of real-time change, then what I’d want for me as for all, in recognizing and then equalizing with these words, is living access to this ‘simply being in a quiet moment with me’ moment of a life, as a part of every breath. And so to walk the practice of this, to clear the starting point again, to walk it eventually into every breath.

This point about an unseen conditionality of ‘with’ as it existed in my mind came up again for me, in a different light, in the latest in the Reptilian series on Eqafe. Listening to the recording of Anu’s recent spoken words – through the Portal - in Purpose Has Left the Building, continuing into I MATTER – listening, and hearing newly, the words in the question, “How do I matter to me?” I mean, writing here of how it was for me in hearing this: the question came across to me in a direct simplicity that previously I had not opened myself up to.

And so in hearing how these words could be, how they could exist for me, spoken directly, I saw also at the same time a perspective of how I had lodged objection and obstruction to my own simplicity of the question, and so within that how I had been unable to ask myself such a thing directly, kind of being within and as a character of objection around the relationship of who I am to I Matter, and so seeing for a moment ‘all of that’ accumulate into a consequence of having no access to this question in its simple form of words direct.

So here for me also a release in hearing these words expressed in clarity, and points about reception of words, and of discovering the personal interferences in reception of words. By ‘all of that’, I mean, all that would constitute this mattering to me, in terms of self worth, self recognition, self appreciation, self acceptance, self honoring, where ‘all of that’ would be where I’m at with me in all these specific points within me, that together form this familiar feel of me as what comes up in me in response to: How I Matter.

An Experiment: Becoming in breath reflective, alone, quiet, settled, ready to sound a word, a practical experiment, for the purpose of observation of effects, seeing what reverberations may come up, or memory, imagination, or emotional energy or feeling or whatever has become connected to or gathered round a specific word, or even come to dominate that word: simple steps of introspection and writing. By Writing, what I mean is simply that process of transfer of what I find going on inside me in this introspection, into the physical environment of written words, where they stand stable in time and space, rather than as ephemera in my mind.

It is through this process writing out of me, that I move myself from the experience of me as a current aspect of a pattern of words, to a seeing and understanding of the wider picture of the pattern itself, or a sentence I’ve been living. This is how this writing process is expansive because I move myself towards equality with the patterns I have lived, and so come to embrace them, and so give back to me the ability to direct and redirect these ways of being that I have lived.

The word Experiment: It was through the word Experiment that I first supported and allowed myself to try the tool of Self Forgiveness, to simply check it out for me: the word Experiment supported me in that I required certain clinical conditions and detachment in what I was about to do; it was supportive in the sense that I was comfortable with the word, and designing an experiment for me was something I felt naturally equal to. Though I did not realise it clearly at the time, I was daring to stand as self responsibility, that it was this in my application of Self Forgiveness that was the essential part of it, and in a way it was this that I was checking out, and in a way as well, in retrospect, it was a door I had just walked through hardly noticing it, not seeing the full significance of this decision, of standing up deliberately from the structures of my mind.

With Experiment, and sounding I MATTER, something that came up for me was a point of Matter in relationships, in which I am kind of horrified to see the way that I have used this point of Matter in my life: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing me as is in how I’ve dealt with, managed, coped with points generated by I don’t matter to you/ you don’t matter to me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than seeing these points as they arise and questioning with myself who I am within these words in this moment, instead I have used this mattering to justify a walk away from.

That sense of horror seeing this as is of me comes from seeing in another being what I have not allowed myself to see as my experience of myself, and instead allowing myself to feel the full extent of that in this projection and imagination of how it must have been for them, what I was putting onto them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this part of me that has stood within and as and for such strategies, for and as the purpose of suppressing this emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear at experiencing the emotion that I accepted and allowed as part of my acceptance of being defined by others as not mattering. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself an experience of diminishment and uselessness within not mattering in the eyes of others, disempowered within a negative experience of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to exert such a state of being onto another person, as in taking a stand of grandiosity and competitive power, so as to serve a comfort zone of isolation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this conflict to exist within me as a fear of my own experience of me when I meet another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that these points are present in the background of my mind when I meet with people. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define incidental as being other to, excluded from the matter. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the matter of meeting with another being that happens unpredictably, such as in the street, as being ‘incidental’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be participating in a projection of the other being as them defining their meeting with me as ‘incidental’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in justifications and reasonings to support and verify this ‘incidental’ frame upon this meeting, on these words, on this communication. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these points as a dissonance within me as an insecurity in who I am in relation to the words I MATTER.

Who I am in that moment in the physical in meeting people, something general, when the paths cross or go together for a while, and there is face to face, and words exchanged, and so much more expressed and shared, in which the realization and awareness of ‘another life being here’ comes up and yet that thought itself seems too dazzling, too magnificent to approach, to practically broach in words, seems too wide somehow to embrace, to find a common ground for that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge this thought with the light of spiritual energy, and so separate myself from me and from the real person that is here with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to participate in excitement ‘about’ reality, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to blabber thoughts without consideration, without connection to what is here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a hope within this energy that something telepathic may be happening – despite the words.

In that ‘something general’ I was looking at in relation to me in meetings, I realized it was like generally some time later that I would come to really go through all the things that I was reading in real time in the meeting: it was not that I was not observing what was happening, but that I was suspended in some kind of way from my observations. It was through seeing this that I realized to what extent that I had not been fully present at the meetings, in many many meetings, so that this experience of delay became like a normalized aspect of my experience of me, a sort of general process of resettling in myself and looking at the memories, and seeing the stuff that I was seeing at the time, but not considering who I was within that delay, and that resettling; where both were showing me that I’d been distracted at the time, unaware of a reaction that was there.

I commit myself to learn to be really with myself with my breath and ground myself in meetings with people, where I learn to stand within and as the words I MATTER, in considerations of myself, and others as myself. I commit myself to release the dynamics and the conflict that I have accepted and allowed as definitions of myself with points generated by I don’t matter to you/ you don’t matter to me. I commit myself to release these points that I have accepted and allowed to undermine me.

Coming to Earth, Investigating Matter: I put it that way, because it seems such a primary task, such a fundamental point, where looking at this word Matter, with it’s different levels of meaning, is reminding us of the multidimensional, existing quietly within us in a seeming of incongruity in meanings, and reminding us as well of how we are accepting of divisions and contradictions in our wholeness. And so ‘Coming to Earth’ written here as a structural support for me to simplify within myself, to clarify, to show myself the common sense in this. This is part of how do I support myself in fundamental change, in stepping into the nothingness projected by my mind. An Eqafe reference here: discussion of structure: Quantum Systemization: Freedom within Control

It’s a challenge to our awareness to look into how it is that the exact same word Matter could be used in the ways of what matters to us, what the matter is, and the matter of matter itself. We can have fun and games with the nature of our language, and we can also look into the word and ask that maybe there is something that I missed in here, comfortable and all with these partitions, because there is so much more to this, because who I am in Matter, where I would align what matters, is at core, is in the core of me, in the very purpose of my present action out of what is mattering now to me in that I’m doing this, and then what matter comes from that, what matter in the world accumulates from that, all of this relationship as one, as reflected in the word, what it is that I create in actions, and in reactions, and for all of us what has throughout our generations, and our incarnations, created the world.

How for I to integrate with MATTER and to form a new word, and then to live that word? What would be involved? The Atlanteans series now opens up support and process on this, in Practically Defining I Matter.

Seeing an emotional experience for what it is can be tricky when it has become established into and as your world, relived every day, over and over.

There is a waking-up type of moment within seeing that. And in seeing and understanding it, there is the opening of solution.

A specific emotional experience, a Quantum Systemization, is discussed here, a relationship to work, in Work, Work, Work, in which in the pressures of working life, kind of overwhelmed with dreariness, we start to live such backchats as: What’s the point, where’s this going, am I of any worth or value here, why am I doing this, I am just a robot… where the experience of ourselves within this backchat becomes like an experience of being forced to do things, of being dead inside, going nowhere, feeling like nothing. And then within the emotional world provided by the structures of the backchat, there comes up irritation, touchiness, and blaming people, and a desire to get away from here.

Listening to this recording I recognized myself very much within and as the turmoil of this specific emotional experience, and something that I realized also was how I had then defined this experience into the word Obligation, yet another way that I had made the word Obligation into a negative experience: and so something to be avoided, the negative experience being as the outcome of these backchats, and the fear of this experience inside of me of deadness, where what I was showing myself was the simple fact of how I’d lost touch with me in all of this, where I had chosen to go into an emotional experience of this lostness, of this slavery, of this resentment, rather than to see how I had not defined for me my own responsibility in doing what I am doing, that would make the obligation a simple extension, natural, flowing, enthusiastic, rather than seemingly imposed on me, seemingly hostile, alien to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of deadness in me, and for believing that this is a perception of something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this feeling is showing me that I have somehow lost touch with myself within what I am doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I have accepted and allowed within me of who I am as dead within my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this experience to exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get away from this experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate a fear within me in support of my avoidance of this experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that if I am to live as the avoidance of my own experience then I must accept the fear I have as part of it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to systemize these self-dishonesties, in which avoiding who I am, I have walked into an experience of being lost, of being as dead inside, and then lived as my reaction to it.

In redefining Calm, I see how I have also stepped into a process of learning how to slow it down, how to deepen my stability.

So as to see the living nature of Calm itself, and recognize its source within me, and create for me the means with which to live it, to plant the seed of it, to allow it to develop in my life as a living part of me, as a living starting point of me, therefore practically first it is for me to clear the word of mind experience, and first in clearing that, to be clear within myself of what it is I’m doing, because I see how I have been using Calm as a magic wand for self protection.

Something that I’ve found is, as a component of my mind, in the structures of my living me, how centrally Calm has mattered to me within and as a hub of systems, where resistances to dismantling this programming come up as anxieties and fears about then What else is there? A kind of fear along the edge of programming, where seeing how I have been living out such things I kind of glimpse that in fact there is an outer world, beyond relationships to my mind only, and my emotions, and my definitions of myself, a world in which the word Calm exists within and as itself.

What matter have I created through this use of the vehicle of the word Calm? What mattered in that moment where it seemed like an emergency to stop myself being torn to pieces by my mind? What mattered was in that moment to use this Calm to overwhelm the torment, where I had accepted and allowed the torment as separate from me, where up against a wall within myself I called on Calm – to save me – as a savior in my personal religion in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with making myself feel ok with using the word Calm as a soother, or as a personal savior in my mind religion in which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything’s ok because I have shifted into an experience of faith in hope and have suppressed the torment in my mind, or else have accepted and allowed myself in being as Hope to be disempowered within myself in waiting for the reactions to eventually subside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define I’m Ok within me as being within and as this use of Calm within my mind, and to have accepted and allowed myself to define Calm within and as a personal private tool to manage my emotional world, without consideration of what is Calm within itself, or consideration of who I am self honestly in what it is that I have accepted and allowed, which is as fear, which is a battle with distress, which is a victory of suppression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see how personal has been my definition of Calm, and through not seeing that, I forgive myself that I have also not seen or understood how this Calm that I have lived has no reference except to who I am in faith and hope in my relationship to emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself and so within that been content with living a definition of Calm that is based in my self interest, and within that I see and realise how I have been sabotaging me, allowing myself to be fooled by who I am as Calm defined as a positive experience in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my feeling good experience and memories with images and words that I have connected into it, such as images of beach and sea and turquoise waters, sun and basking, and images connected into ‘Natural’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in all these illustrations that I have accepted and allowed myself to store in Calm, and seeing and understanding the functions of these images, experiences, words that they somehow seem to justify this positive resort, to try and make it real, therefore I release these words from Calm. I do not need to defend myself in this position any more because I see the common sense that it is not justified, it is not real, I release myself from this position, I release the images of calm as somewhere else, as far away, from the word Calm. I release the word Natural from Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Natural to the word Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a feeling of longing within the word Natural seen as far away connected into Calm. I forgive myself that I have manipulated myself within this longing into putting value into Calm.

For a while the word Obligation has been kind of clunking about in my unconscious, sometimes rising to the surface from some secret depth. At first it was just a movement, a shadow of a thing, and then it became more clear, and looking at the word in different ways in seeing how it figured in different processes of redefining words, it was like bit by bit I released some energy from it.

So writings here are about word going into deed and action: and in looking at how I have stored in Obligation reactions and self definition information, all the reasons and excuses and justifications for not doing things, not acting directly, or immediately, but through a processing delay, like through official channels, through a team of lawyers, through the building as it were of Obligation which has become like a dark and massive block within my inner world.

Why so dark? Why not see the light of me in this? In the evolution of a central government of all affairs that involve relationships to responsibility, I see how I have stepped back from embracing life directly, and instead have watched my mind evolve a system from out of my reactions and objections, where I have gradually become both enthroned and imprisoned in sovereign rights of freedom, substantiating my excuse of me from living life.

Imagining a universal vault of darkness that is lit by stars, as all beings everywhere as points of awareness, points of responsibility: through looking at the simplicity of such a picture, I can see it is like I have brought a kind of sentinel into orbit in my world, right next to responsibility, as a processor, to be vigilant, to regulate, to control, to keep in hand a righteous veto, and to protect me, to protect me how, from what?

The fear at first in specifying the presence of this word, and then a fear in view of deconstruction tells me of a structure of protection, tells me of a personality system I still rely on, that I still embody in this word, because within this word are the terms of my responsibility, the conditions I have set and lived by, and as structures of the mind that I have set in place, these are features of accepted mind control.

Something that I realise while writing this is how much the word itself is for me kind of founded on dispute, an argument with Life, with Existence: elaborated and evolved to justify refusal in any and all events, where in walking into it, I find immediately a specific strategy of defense, to justify a fear of extension of responsibility, so that in the acceptance and allowance of this fear that I react and turn to reference Obligation – where who I am in Obligation is as my designed relationship to manipulation, to apparently being forced to do things, where within that there is fear of people using and abusing the very parts of me that is manipulating me, that I fear to see and recognize because these are in conflict with the image of myself as ‘freedom’.

How such alternative realities can play havoc with a life is easy for me to see, when I have a look into the history of my own life, such as looking down a timeline of procrastinations, a patchwork of decisions of excuse from life, decisions of ‘not now but later’, like each time in a quantum moment it’s: First I must consolidate this Freedom that is defined in accordance to the laws of me within the articles of my Constitution. And yet, that ‘first’ is really not the first, because the basis is that, No, I do not accept to directly live, I have conditions: first I separate from this, task, this simple action, this responsibility, this threat, in a way to who I am in a moment of winning - as grandiose within retaliation. What I missed was my own authority within it all, accepting and allowing instead the authority of this obligation system to direct me, while I stood by defending self from living, from awakening here.

I have seen where backchats such as: I must do this or that, I have to do this or that, or I should be doing this, have acted in me like feeds for the reaction, for retaliation, where I have seen how listening to such backchat has been like the kiss of death to something that I’m doing, or something that I’ve suddenly broken off from doing in this moment, so where I manipulated myself with such backchat was in believing in these statements that this was me with the intention of encouraging or supporting myself – trying – but – all in vain – collapsing into, I do not have to do this thing right now, I can do it later, I have tried, and I have pushed a bit…

Meanwhile in my micro world of procrastination, I need only look across the house to see the accumulated piles of stuff, and across my desk, a miscellaneous dumping ground of neglected things, and unfinished actions – actions that have been broken off, abandoned, left till later. It wasn’t that I thought: ‘Now I will do a small experiment’, though that’s how it turned out; I was looking at a pile of books on the floor and a question came up in me, What is my responsibility for this, do I even know, and I looked at the books in their history with me and where they came from and how it was that I had taken them into this house, and then cut off from them in a way. Like in looking at the path the books and me had walked together, the whole framework of chore and obligation was for a moment released, because there was no dispute involving responsibility. Some time later, I just came across the books and put some order into them in two neat piles and then put them into bags. It was not like this was any big decision – because in a way I was not preparing for battle with my mind – to face the exaggerated chore of a mountainous entirety of procrastinations, to experience myself within the negativity of obligation, and experience of myself in judging me on this – that did not exist.

So the experiment showed me how much my relationship to this word obligation had played a part in my procrastination processes – where I showed myself also that I could release it with putting my attention onto how is my responsibility within this thing, is it complete? Was it ever stated clearly, or was it kind of implied or assumed in a vague kind of way? Was it kind of nominal? Are there ways that I could expand myself within specifying my responsibility, within for example caring for the books, caring for the room, or on my writing desk, caring for the clarity of my mind by clearing off the surfaces, and dealing with the tasks, in their own right.

In this experiment it was clear that here was an example of being free of obligation – through simply moving and extending the responsibility that I had embraced and stated in me and with, in this example, a pile of books.

“As we gradually embrace the realization that we have been here always, that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be defined, that we have accepted and allowed these definitions that we found ourselves to be, as real, so we enter now a new reality, a realization that we are responsible within having accepted life to be as predefined, and so, for seeing it in the limited way we do, and so the realization comes that it is now for us to take the evolution of ourselves in hand in redefining who we are substantially within, towards, and in relationship to all the things that make up everything…“

Realising that there is something new for me in planning something to be happening in the future, I look at this and see that I have allowed myself into this word Future, that I see a way, a dawning possibility of who I am within this word, rather than in separation from it, that within this also, in the creation of a Plan, where I put order into my physical extension into time in physical steps. These words: Future, Plan, Purpose, together.

And I realise in this also: that I had been living the word Future as with an energetic, emotion/feeling function, like for example in the process of ‘predicting what might happen’: visions of the future tempered by a fear of conflict, and disempowerment, where in my emotional mind I refer to such a vision as if it were reality, and then decide to act, or not to act, where my actions and my movements are defined by what unfolds as a vision of the future, that is itself defined by fear of conflict, fear of confrontation, sensitive to any sign of possible dispute.

‘Possible Dispute’ then holds a key position in my mind, a constant probe, a constant resonance. A decision made in fear: that I required a path avoiding any circumstance that could fall into the definition of the word Dispute, where in this arrangement, fear of conflict, fear of confrontation evolved into a protection, a guide, and comfort zone. And so eventually there was evolved a Dispute alarm as a safety feature: to protect me from the experience that I had stored within Dispute, memories of the impact of argumentative, quarreling loud, dominating, raised voice, heated words - on me – that experience of being rattled, shaken up, accused, defined – memories of harsh abrasive sound.

In defining words and how they can then define you, I see how much my definition of Dispute, and who I am within it has been a shaping factor in my physical life, where for example, I did not stand or stay or persevere, because I saw a future of dispute, and within Dispute a fear of entering and becoming that experience of instability. Having almost like a reflex action to the word Dispute functioning as a focal point of this emotional experience, I hardly noticed how the word would be present there in the structures of inner conversation, or in my backchat, in imagined gossip, in the very notion of back-chat itself – where in view of insecurity – reviewing in my mind what I said, or did not say, or something that I did or did not do – seeing in my mind some spontaneous illustration of Dispute, designed to suit the moment, and yet not seeing the word itself that stands within it, at the source of it – and then reacting to such thoughts, imagining up experience of myself as bad or wrong or out of line, and a judgement onto who I am in that. Here is the word Dispute in action in my mind as a self manipulation point, functioning as the tether of my limitation, while at the same time defining a comfort zone of avoidance of dispute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach these memorized experiences, and memories of destructive sounds into the word Dispute, and to gather into the word Dispute memories of vicious argument and quarreling and judgement games. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in fear of what might happen in the presence of the word Dispute, as it manifests within my mind and finds an anchorage in my attention, to fear that following the word Dispute a Pandora’s Box will open: Confrontation, Positions, and Vicious Vehemence in frequencies of sounds that I fear will have direct and instant impact on me, in me, where I fear that I will automatically lose my grounding and control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as strategies to protect this button from being pressed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Dispute to exist inside me in this way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defined by the word Dispute, where I am acting in avoidance of it, where I have continuously stood as avoidance of Dispute in the process of decision making and actions, where my path as me through this my life has thus been shaped and limited. Seeing the personal history/etymology of this word, I commit myself to clear this word for me, to redefine this word so that the contents are clear of these emotions. I commit myself to learn to breath and ground myself in the hearing of such frequencies of sound, where in my childhood years of designing words to live, I see I did not have perspective, tools, or understanding, and yet set up beliefs and ways to live, and coping mechanisms and within that conditioning the future, therefore I commit myself to redefine this word Dispute to equalize myself with it, to not any longer allow the word to be a trigger of these emotions, but instead to ask myself about the nature of my standing in this moment, my certainty within myself within my physical body, here.

The Reality of Films: in a way this could be underneath more broadly, the redefinition of Entertainment, and using films for self support.

Something I’ve been doing in watching films is to move my focus from the narrative and onto the actors and extras with their lines and instructions: a couple of people on the sidewalk just walking along in the background, window shopping, people driving cars along, simulating traffic, or else coming together to simulate a crowd, or those two people sitting at the back of the café, the faces in the crowd, simulating characters, behaviours, a dog exactly as itself looks into the camera lens, gets filmed and framed into the story, and yet seems kind of – anomalous - within this simulated world, and welcome, to me; I like that way a dog can look at you from somewhere real.

As a medium that presents itself through the frame of Entertainment, as strictly surface only, the film remains reflective of our consciousness, is abundant with reflections of a deeper narrative, the cultural narrative of what is accepted and allowed as ‘how it is’, as what matters, as what is worthy, what is not, what is good, what is human, and so themes such as human supremacy, the justice of blame, the rights of personality and secret mind are so well established in the repeated daily story that they become the context in which the action happens. Even in the controlled environment of a fiction, we are exposing to ourselves in plain sight the nature of own reality, where yes we see the wanton destruction of the earth and violated rights of life, as normal, as incidental to the drive of the narrative.

In a way in Entertainment, it is like we stand for momentary protection of our ‘suspense of disbelief’ experience, so that the emotion/feeling thrill experience can remain front-stage in our minds. There is a Reward and Leisure construct in Entertainment, that reward being participation with the projection, participation with the drama.

For me, a specific point of support has been in observing who I am within reacting to a moment in a film, what it is about this hook or that hook, that might suddenly get under my skin and then cause different movements of energy and adrenalin in my body, changes in my breathing, change of focus and intensity, being suddenly on the edge of my seat, where suddenly I have taken and absorbed it personally, the projection of the film story and the projection of my own story slide over each other and match in some essential way, and I experience my own emotional dynamics, writ large, while in my internal world, what matters is suddenly clear, it still exists within this emotional experience of me, that point of mattering to me comes up, such as in the realisations that accompany a jerk of tears. Mattering: I mean here this essential experience of me entangled as it were within these points that I am seeing illustrated on the screen, that I see I am invested in, participating in, that I see I have not resolved, and in the tears I experience a temporary release of some vital issue in me that I was hardly aware of. Some vital issue: I mean like for example simulated experience of connection, or acceptance, or validation, or recognition, and only temporary, because there is no self in the projected world, in the simulation, no self connection, self acceptance, self validation, self recognition.

Dispute: in the world of drama, films, I experience how I have been living my definition of the word Dispute: when the narrative of the film escalates into quarrelling and exertions of blame, expressions of spite, those frequencies kind of jangle uncomfortably in my chest. Here observing me I see it is a moment in which I have shifted: I have taken it personally, that jangling in my physical body comes with this, and I am energized, magnetized in my attention that switches from the observations of the film itself, to a focus on the faces of the characters, a focus of anxiety, frustration, sort of aligning myself from moment to moment with different emotional concerns, conflicting ones, and I am caught up into it, embroiled in it. That fascination is itself like a magnetic lockdown that I have accepted and allowed in my relationship towards Dispute.

The interpretation of fascination: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this fascination experience by my justifications and interpretations of it, focused on the conflict that seems to exist on the screen. Seeing as this word Fascination is coming up: I commit myself to walk equal with this word as my engagement with a point, in which I do not give away my power, through which fascination takes on rigidity and stuckness and a blinkering effect, as I see I would prefer a fascination that more exists defined within the context of an awesomeness of everything one and equal, in which one specific fascination is kind of lightly touched on in a directed way, rather than like the experience of being pulled into the field of a magnet.

Here with the reality of film, I can use the film to support me in showing me my own projections, in this example, who and how I am with the simulation of emotional Dispute.

Just the same - as quickly passing frames that make the film illusion ‘move’, the sentences of passing words maintain - the shift - we share - in separation of ourselves from Life - words that serve as processors which passing quickly stream a simulation; processors that carry out the blueprints of our definitions that we then experience as real.

Slowing it all down in physical breath is part of learning how to be here really – in the certainty of myself that I am Here - and so in calm to look into the words I live, see who I am within them, what I have accepted and allowed, and then release myself from the illusions that I placed into them.

That the world is in reverse, with both responsibility and forgiveness placed outside: that would be the lockdown, the maintenance of the shift. In a world based on the principle of Blame, self forgiveness is taboo, forgiveness being the prerogative of outside agencies, of God. Bringing Forgiveness to Self is quite audacious almost blasphemous in these conventional relationships of Self to Self that is conditioned to the world reversal. That in the world reversal, forgiveness is defined from outside in, it manifests as judgement, it is intricately spliced with the mind constructs of morality: good and bad, and right and wrong, and guilt, and righteousness, and definitions of the self within and as the sayings of scripts and energies. And yet all of these are simply wirings and renderings and distortions of the word that in its simple state is giving back to me the responsibility that I had previously given away, expanding who I am within embracing parts of me that I had judged, correcting the mistakes that I had written in my programming, and with my understanding of the principles of Life, to realign my self to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such dissonance to exist within the word forgiveness.

Continuing from previous post: I was writing how the word Dispute had become so – charged – and dissonant - how my passage through this life had become according to my navigation round the beacons of Dispute – where the word Dispute had come to rule my life. Careful what you wish for – so it’s said – to plot a course through life in avoidance of this word, allowing it to become as systematic programming, I see how much the word is echoed in my inner world, in my relationship to me, where almost any reaction or negative energy conflict can so easily be framed within the regions of the word Dispute, and its heralds of experience of self doubt. Echoes, because the power of it is in the tiniest hint or implication of a memory of intense disruption in my mind, in sound, as an irresistible platform busting force.

Within that, the busted platform seemed in my mind like the end of the world, like deep within me a fear of destruction, and somewhere in all of that a fear of the consequence of allowing myself to be defined, that when that allowance comes to absolute, then all is lost, my being somehow lost without direction within the tempest of the shaken energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such beliefs and perceptions and memories of experience to exist within the word Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to believe the busted platform as the end of the world, when clearly within me I can see that a platform that can be busted is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed great anger with myself in seeing how I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined, and that I perceive myself to be trapped within the web of my self dishonesty, and within believing in that trap, that I resigned myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress this anger in me where my being is in Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from this part of me that is standing in the word Dispute, to fear the experience of me standing as Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own anger that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Dispute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of anger itself as the totality of me that rages in a vacuum of my own acceptance of being defined by outside things.

Words, the morning after. I imagine them as rinsed and clear, and in the words ‘morning after’, I remember that regret and resolution, ‘a lesson learnt’. And I am grateful for this ‘morning after’ word that stands resilient from the experience of the night before. Like: all of that amazing shit was nothing, and now here, what is real. When I look into what my presence is in that its kind of strengthened in the sense that I am more here with me, in physical fact, and I am released in a way to direct from here in simple common sense. And within that resolution there is also a perspective of there being ‘a way to go’, steps to take, physical actions that must happen.

So it is with words - divested of the hype of energy - where through being purified and released from this, they do not function any more as programs, and there is a morning after, and the cold light of day and regret within being so fooled within and as my definitions in which I was not here. Those words ‘the cold light of day’ evoke in me other qualities as well, like sharpness, focus, fact, precision.

Such as with the purifying of the word Dispute, when I see how drastically my relationship with this word has limited my life, there is regret, and I see also how that regret can become a strength within my resolution. And I realise how shy I am of facing the fact that I have drastically limited my life – the full extent of what that means – and I see how intimately ‘the full extent’ of this regret is in reference to the extent to which I am willing to embrace my own potential – where in seeing how different my life and so the world might have been without my acceptance of this programming – and at the same time allowing me to stand within a vision of having a potential – then within that there is massive regret. And yet within my mind the extent of my regret seems minor, because of the extent to which I have avoided consideration of the words Utmost Potential as something I could live.

So it was that in forgiving shame, even of a shame that I could not exactly put my finger on, a resistance to – doing it - came up in me, that opened up into a fear of loss, and words: ‘But I deserve the shame, what else could I replace it with?’, and backchat of: ‘You can’t go tampering with that, these things are placed here for a reason’ – thoughts saying that if I forgive the shame then I will have lost something – that compromised version of me that I am protecting and defending – that definition of myself as not good enough to come to anything much at all – that in having low expectations of myself, through that, I then diminished the regret, and suppressed the shame.