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This entry is a total cheat.

I actually wrote this entire post as an email to a friend. Then I dropped the dream part as a comment on another friend’s Facebook page. But since I’m a lazy asshole and haven’t updated in a month, you get to read all of it.

Have you ever seen American Mary? You should if you haven’t. It’s brilliant. I loved it. Anywho, in case you haven’t there’s a character named Beatrice. Here’s Beatrice:

There’s a lady that works here. She looks and sounds just like Beatrice, except she’s blonde. Whenever I talk to her, I can’t help but stare. She’s SO NICE. But she’s also blonde Beatrice. It’s so distracting. This means nothing unless you’ve seen the film. So go watch the movie. And note, I’m not knocking this lady. She just looks like the actress. And, like I said, she’s so goddamn nice, it’s distracting.

Second, I had this dream last night. In my dream I was driving along and this car with three attractive young ladies pulled up alongside and were sizing me up and hollering at me because I’m so handsome. I was hollering back of course, as not to be rude and ignore. Unfortunately, the driver wasn’t paying close enough attention to the road and ran off it. The car did a bunch of rolls as cars do, and came to a rest upside down and all buckled. Of course I’m a hero, so I pulled over and went to rescue them. The first girl I pulled out of the car had lost her bottom half. She wasn’t bloody at all though. It was just cut clean off from the belly button down. And she was crying and saying, “Look at me! I’m ugly. No one will love me!”

And, me, trying to make her feel better, I say, “No, you’re still beautiful. People will still love you.” Apparently that was the wrong answer because she started screaming at me.

“THAT’S ALL I’M GOOD FOR? MY LOOKS? I HAVE A BRAIN TOO, YOU KNOW.”

And I was like, “Whoa, hang on, I was just…”

“You were just being a pig!”

Then she called the press. SHE CALLED THE PRESS ON ME. And with this being a dream, of course the press was there instantaneously.

Having no time for this bullshit, I went back to the car and rescued the other two women still trapped inside. They were cool, they thanked me.

I turned around from the car, and all of these mics were in my face and reporters were shouting questions at me:

“DID YOU SAVE HER JUST BECAUSE SHE’S PRETTY?”

“ARE ALL WOMEN NOTHING MORE THAN PIECES OF FLESH TO YOU?”

“DO YOU THINK SHE COULDN’T GET OUT BY HERSELF NEEDED A MAN?????”

I didn’t say anything, just walked away like the Bruce Banner.

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