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My mil insists something is wrong with my son...

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Last week my mother in law came over and after some chit chat started crying and told me she thinks something is wrong with my son. This caught me completely off guard. She said she was worried because he doesn't look are her, and she doesn't think he can see her. He likes to stare at lights, and doesn't grab toys. I don't know if she thinks he can't see or if he has development problems. I told her my son looks at me all the time, coos at me, smiles, and although he doesn't grab for toys yet he's only five months and he was a month early and may be a little slow. Also that babies like lights that doesn't mean somethings wrong. His sight is fine and the doctor says he's doing amazing and there is nothing wrong with him. Instead of believing me she Invite my parents over and do the same thing. She's driving me crazy. A week ago I didn't think anything is wrong with my son and now I'm over analyzing everything. How do I get her to understand/believe me that there's nothing wrong with him

Mom Answers

she may just be trying to be the center of attention. Unfortunately narcissistic mothers are this way. DO NOT get upset in front of her when she says things like this. Just do what you think is right for your family but don't allow her to get a rise out of you. If you feel the need, then go get a second opinion, but otherwise, don't let her worry you.

Your mil is toxic! You should submit this questions to Dear Prudence on Slate.com or something instead of here!! You don't need her drama or stress but YOU can't be the one to tell her that. Your husband needs to stand up for his wife (you!) & his son. He needs to be the one to tell her to back off and stop causing unnecessary drama. Now, make sure and mention that they took her nonmedical assessment into consideration and the pediatracian allayed all fears so continuing this nonsense is both unnecessary and harmful to the mental health of new dad, new mom, and new baby. Be firm if she starts up again, tell her you will not listen to drama and leave. Attaching a CONSEQUENCE to confirmed and pointed out Bad Behaviour puts the power back in your court - where it should be when it comes to Your Child in Your Home. Best of Luck! :)

I would love to know how the talk went. You should go over to the Dealing with In Laws and Family of Origin board here on BBC. You should put your MIL on a time out from you for a while just so 1) she knows her behavior is inappropriate and won't be tolerated and 2) you can have some time to breathe and process. Sure you don't want a rift in the family, but she's the one causing it not you by being inappropriate. There could be many reasons for her behavior: she's toxic, she's crazy, she wants to be the center of attention, she doesn't get that she's not the mom here, she's over worried. If you've tried setting her mind at ease and it doesn't work, let her know bluntly her advice won't be tolerated. Just know this is not normal, loving Grandma behavior.

As far as the putting her mind at ease. I tried that when she came to me. I showed how much he loves lookin in the mirror. And how when I talk to him and give him kisses with his puppets he gets to biggest smile. That he's perfectly fine and normal, and she blew it off like I wasn't being attentive to his needs. When my mom reiterated that everything was fine we showed her some more stuff, and then my mom told her she should be careful she might scare me to death by saying stuff like that because I'm a new mom. She said that i didn't even take him to the doctor when he was sick so I'm not the kind of mom to worry. Are you serious? It was so hurtful and insensitive.

The doctor was just as upset as I was that she was running little tests on my son to see if something was wrong. Please pray for my husband because he's going to talk to her today, and I have a feeling its not going to go well. Its so important to me that there isn't a rift between are families, but she needs to understand that what she did was inappropriate. I feel like I've taken so many steps back in dealing with my PPD because of how scared she made me this week. She also made some pretty hurtful comments at the dinner with my parents about how I am as a mom. I'm trying to be positive and think she was unintentionally over stepping her boundaries that she was just scared. But my parents think this was incredible insensitive and manipulative of her. Fingers crossed this conversation will go well, the doctor told me to stay FAR away and my husband to go alone.

Thank you ladies so much for your support. I called my pediatricians office to set up an appointment and she ended up calling me and we talked for an hour. (I LOVE my pediatrician). She completely put my mind at ease. She said every baby's different and he may be slow at some things, but he's excelling at others. And that if she thoguht anythign was wrong she would be the first one to tell. She was furious with my mil, and told me my husband needs to talk to her, and set boundaries. She said grandmas job is to love the baby, and love the baby only.. The only people who are ever allowed to say "I think somethings wrong with my baby" is mommy and daddy. That when people who are not properly educated in baby development do a little research look at those charts and make a diagnosis they do more harm than good. She also said that its very rarely someone other than mom who first notices something is off because moms know their babies better than anyone else.

Well I definitely don't think I'd BLOW HER OFF FOR CARING like some of these inconsiderate people up there.. I would however ask her what she had in mind to help set her at ease? sometimes all they need to know (b/c they care enough to get involved so be grateful) is a doctor to tell her she could be over analyzing, or maybe HER maternal instinct is kicking in and your doctor is wrong, I never believe the first doctor I see simply b/c I had 5 doctors tell me the exact same thing about my son and the 6th Doctor told me something different that saved my sons life from Pyloric Stenosis.. just b/c a doctor tells you he's fine doesn't mean he is.. get another opinion even if its just to help your mil calm down.

doc writing her a note validates her craziness. theres a reason she doesnt go to the pediatrictian visit - she is NOT the parent! have hubby stand up for wife & son; stay firm with consequences for bad behaviour. why tolerate unnecessary nonsense during an already stressful time? its your family! run your family - dont let her run things! respect is earned, and clearly this mil is not doing anything to earn it.

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