Tuesday, April 28, 2009

We live in barry scary times

[Obama, putting down newspaper and picking up coffee cup. "Swine Flu" headline still visible.] "So I was out playing a round of golf the other day when I was asked about this shine flu business. I was caught totally off-guard. I used my canned 'we are aware of the situation, there's no need for alarm' line that I always use when I'm caught unawares. But as President, I suppose I should be more informed about this issue. Please fill me in."

[Obama looks in direction of Surgeon General's seat, which is empty.]

[Obama looks in direction of Director of CDC's seat, which is empty.]

[Obama looks in direction of Secretary of HHS' seat, which is empty.] "Didn't we name somebody to HHS? I thought we did."

[Axelrod] "Sebelius hasn't been confirmed yet. As for the others, Sanjay Gupta flew the coopta before we even got around to confirming him for Surgeon General, and I don't think anybody here even realized we were supposed to name a director for CDC. Maybe we should get on that."

[Obama] "Are there yet any tax-dodgers out there whom we might call upon?"

[Axelrod] "I'll check. There's gotta still be a couple out there we haven't nominated yet. If they're out there, I'll find them for ya!"

[Obama] "Very good. But this still leaves me woefully uninformed about this Stein Flu."

[SecState Clinton, under desk, pokes napping SecHomeSec Napolitano w/ sharp end of pencil. Napolitano jerks to alertness, lifts head from notebook "pillow" and raises hand like a knowing elementary school student. A wispy, silvery line of drool connects the corner of Napolitano's mouth to the small puddle on her notebook.] "PRESENT!"

[Obama] "Jan, we're in April. Christmas, or Kwanzaa if you prefer, isn't for several more months. Please don't distract us with discussions of Christmas presents."

[Napolitano lowers hand, severing saliva strand in the process] "Ooops. Sorry, sir. I was dreaming. I was dreaming about the first day of school. I dream about that a lot. Almost every night - except when I've been drinking and then I don't remember what I was dreaming about, or how I got home. But anyway, when I was little I was so excited about going to school and making new friends. I couldn't wait to say "PRESENT" when the teacher called my name on that very first roll call. That was the best day of my life. As it turns out, it was all downhill after that. The other kids didn't like me much and called me names like "whaleface" and bullied me a lot. I think that is what led me to politics and why I dream a lot about the good old days of my youth, back before I knew everybody hated me."

[Napolitano] "Sir, actually, it is 'Swine Flu,' as in 'Senator Dianne Fineswine.' Well, I mean, not that we've confirmed her involvement in this plot, but at least that's the little mnemonic device I use to remember what kind of flu it is."

[Obama] "Finally. We're getting somewhere. Continue."

[Nap] "Sir, my spies have had some success infiltrating the various terror groups at work on our soil. At this point, it seems that the Swine Flu is a carefully orchestrated assault led by disgruntled veterans and gun owners. They're coming over the border from Canada, as terrorists like to do. It seems to have a disproportionate effect on Mexicans, so we can't overlook the racist hate-crime aspect of this attack."

[SecState Clinton] "I suggest we write them a very sternly-worded letter, and threaten them with economic sanctions."

[SecTreas Geithner] "We should raise their taxes. We should bankrupt their employers."

[AG Holder] "We should make all guns illegal. We should also make viruses illegal."

[Obama, checks watch] "Crap! Time flies! I've commandeered most networks for another prime-time TV gig tonight that I have to prepare for. You guys work it out amongst yourselves and let me know what we should do.