Sunday, December 4, 2011

Day 85: Meditation

So, major yay. I found my Druid Oracle!! I keep my Plant and Animal decks together, even though I'm more familiar with my animals. I've had them much longer, so I'm more familiar with them. Anyway, it was slow at work today, so I did a Brighid's Cross Spread, which contrary to how it sounds, goes round in a circle with eight cards at and between each of the directions, and a ninth in the center, at the "heart of the matter". It's supposed to be good for gaining insight to issues of healing, and since that's been one of my biggest problems today, I figured it made the most sense. So, I put it all down in my little journal, and this is what I got. I've shortened it a good bit, for time's sake.

Asked for guidance in my divorce and in a relationship I've been considering getting into once this is all over and finished. Drew mostly animals. Fitting, since that's who I'm most accustomed to. My animals are an extension. Still getting familiar with the plants.

Blackbird - Guardian of the gateway

Chamomile - Rest, Guardianship, Regeneration

Poppy (Rev) - Languidness, Excess, Indifference

Ivy (Rev) - Ambivalence, Tenacity, Support

Wolf (Rev) - I always dread this card. It was his.

Raven - Healing, Initiation, Protection

Adder - Transformation, healing, life energy

Earth Dragon - Power, potential, Riches

Still have to draw final card, but I'm almost scared to. Almost everything relates somehow to birth and death. The cycle of leaving one form for another; and I can't help but wonder if it means I actually may need this relationship I've been contemplating. Could it be that, in some way, getting into this would help me find myself? My "inner strength" as it were? If so, how? I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship; but it seemsas if that's what I'm being guided towards. Or maybe it's what I want to be guided toward? I can't deny that I wouldn't liketo be in a relationship again, but am I really ready for one? Honestly?

Last Card:

Burdock (Rev) Outcast, scapegoating, blame

So... this comes out of nowhere, but I can see how it makes sense. If I can resolve the blaming issue, everything else might be that much easier. Question is: how? I know that, perhaps, I have been blaming R too much for a lot of my issues. Regardless of the fact that a good many of them come from my experience with him, it's on me to make peace with it and accept the fact that not everyone is like him. R is a breed and beast unto himself; and I'm afraid that's how he'll remain.

Conversely, the burdock could also be pointing out that R is blaming for... Gods know what anymore. It seems, some days, as if he'd blame me if he got a hang nail. He's already accused me of so much, it's ridiculous.

Perhaps it means nothing, coming from someone who can't find her own, but I really do hope that he'll find his peace one day. That both of us will. Though, truthfully, as wretched as it may be, I also look forward to the day he gets his comeuppance. Perhaps it's that desire alone that, in its way, prevents it from happening.

I try to never wish ill will toward anyone but R is truly a study in the phrase, "pain in the ass". Perhaps, instead, I should just be wishing more for this to reach as peaceful an end as possible. I already do, of course; but I still wish, in my darkest heart for there to be a measure of justice exacted upon him. I don't want him physically harmed, but I still want him hurt.

Then again... he already is, isn't he? No matter how much he lies to others and himself, I can see that he's hurting. Why else would he be doing these things? Then I think on the fact that he will always be hurting. He will always be a bitter, hateful person - just like his father; and I almost pity him. He's made himself completely awful and will forever be, won't he? I suppose some people would be content in that, but I'm not...

In all honesty.... I don't even know if I want him to hurt. Not really. I say I do, and I do, but I don't. If that makes any sense.

I still love him. Regardless of everything. I love him; but even with that, I hate him. Rather, I hate what he's done; and I would be crazy to forgive him for it, but if he were to come to me tomorrow and were genuinely apologetic, I would do exactly that. I wouldn't take him back, mind you; but I'd be willing to forgive him if it meant that this could all just be over and I could just go on with my life.

I'm so tired of shedding tears for him I'm tired of hoping and wishing that things will change - knowing they won't. I seem to be going in circles where he's concerned. Trust me, the irony here is anything but lost on me.

Round and round and round I'll go. Will I stop? I'll never know.

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So yeah. That's that. I'll definitely be spending some more time meditating on this for the next few days or so. I'll very likely be picking up some chamomile tea. Maybe that will help. Sage too, if I can find some at this time of year.

Any other advice for some more focusing herbs/stones? I'm already going to be breaking out the candles.

Hell. May just be time for a full circle. Haven't cast one in a while. There's a full moon this Saturday. Could use it to cast a protection spell for Monkey too. I may not like cheating, but there's no harm in stacking the deck. ;p

In the meantime, I guess I'll just - as always - take it One Day At A Time.

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I'm a crazy hot mess rolled into one little package. I talk too much, don't listen enough, and rarely do what I "should". I don't take shit from people. I've got better things to worry about. I'm nowhere near politically correct. I consider pissing people off another sport. I have a touch of ADD. SQUIRREL!
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