How to rebuild trust after an affair

The process might be a challenging one, but a broken relationship can be mended with patience and empathy

One of the most devastating things that one can experience in a relationship is finding out that you have been cheated on. One goes through a range of emotions such as rage, anger, disbelief, guilt, and even self-doubt and shame. The person who has been cheated on may experience terrible lows, mood swings, depressive symptoms characterised by loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, negative thoughts, and a lack or loss of interest in almost everything. Self-confidence and self-esteem also take a hit. Paranoia sets in, as there is a complete erosion of trust.

What both the partners have to understand is that these symptoms take a long time to dissipate and both parties need to be patient.

For some couples cheating leads to an immediate break-up. But others may still have deep feelings for their partners, and depending on the circumstances, their emotional stability and coping mechanisms, they may want to try and keep the relationship going.

A lot of people need individual therapy and healing first, and their biggest concern is whether they will be able to restore that lost trust. Hard as it may be to hear, there is never a 100 per cent guarantee that their partner may never cheat again. Indeed, in some cases, one partner may continue to cheat even as the reconciliation is underway. This is when a clear decision needs to be made — whether to continue the relationship or end it.

However, there are some partners who don’t even know why they have strayed or cheated on their partner. Some attribute it to a ‘one-night stand‘, an encounter purely sexual in nature with no emotions attached; some claim that their relationship was coming to an end anyway, or there might be other factors, especially in marriages. Some couples feel that they got married too young and that they need to ‘explore‘, and some feel the dynamics of their relationship changed after the birth of children or other such factors.

There are also those who are extremely remorseful and will do anything to make amends. Rebuilding trust takes a lot of work and effort, and therapy, but it is possible, if both partners are committed to healing their relationship. Here are some things that may help.

Honest communication

Relationships inevitably break down in the absence of communication. In cases of infidelity, partners must talk to each other honestly, and must feel free to discuss all fears, apprehensions and doubts, no matter how repetitive this can get.

Don’t dredge up the past

This is especially important to remember when you fight. One has to stay in the ‘now’ and not constantly bring up the past, or by
getting worried and anxious about the future. It should be a joint effort to remain in the ‘here and now’. Both partners should be focused on building a new relationship together.

If one can’t eventually let go of those feelings and work toward being more optimistic and positive, it may be a sign that the relationship is not worth staying in.

Revive the injured party’s confidence Self-blame and doubt have to be banished to rebuild one’s own self-esteem and confidence. The cheating partner has to reinforce that it was not the other person’s fault.

The art of fighting through it

Neither party needs to be subjected to any kind of mental, physical or emotional abuse no matter how angry or upset their partners are. This will only further erode the respect that is so important to the process of rebuilding trust, at this point. Both partners still need to have the right to their privacy and do not need to be subjected to being under the scanner 24x7. Constant checking, following, doubting and asking could get frustrating for both.

Rediscovering reasons to be together

This journey will help reinforce why two people decided to be in a relationship to begin with. No human being or relationship is perfect. Fault finding and constantly trying to come up with reasons as to why the marital transgression happened might be futile, and no real solutions can be generated that way.

Take responsibility for your act

The partner who has cheated must come clean, and own up to her or his behaviour and actions. Apologising — with genuine remorse — is imperative if healing is to begin. Being understanding about how your partner will react and respond to this information over the next few months is just as important, too. One has to be empathic and patient. Give your partner lots of unconditional love, and show it in small ways (without overdoing it, as it could be perceived as artificial). Be mindful of words and thoughts that are being communicated, and just be there. Sometimes just holding your partner when he or she has broken down can be very impactful.

Give him or her ample space and respect, too. Do small things —like keeping promises. Do what you say you’re going to do. You need to demonstrate that you are worthy of his or her trust.

The journey towards regaining trust will have plenty of ups and downs and may be a challenging one. And it needs to begin from within with due introspection, mindfulness and thought. However, one needs to make a clear decision, too. Being in limbo only creates more heartache and sometimes living together can become toxic or impossible. Thus an intermediary break from each other may also make sense at such points in time.

However, when the decision to be together and rebuild trust has been taken by both parties, it can lead to a very fruitful outcome. Seeking professional help through counselling or psychotherapy is very important in this process. In the end, there should never be any regret about not having another chance, or been given another option. After all, as the French poet and novelist Anatole France once said, “All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”