A Climbing Betty's journey to find love & strength in the mountains

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If you follow me on Instagram, you saw the picture. It was a Tuesday, midday. I’ve been eagerly absorbing some of the new books out on training for climbing this season, and had gone to the local gym to do an “ARC” workout. This basically involves doing 2-3 sets of 25-30 minutes of climbing (traversing) with the goal to stay just under the “pumped” feeling in your forearms. You do work up a light sweat. Which is why half way though my first set, I got to a rest spot and removed my shirt to continue on in a sports bra and the yoga capris I had on. After finishing my first set, I was doing my prescribed 10 minute rest when the gym’s owner struck up a conversation with me. It started off benignly enough, and then he slipped it in the conversation like a mom hiding veggies in her kids’ meatloaf: he said that what I was wearing was fine for now (I was the only person there at the time) but if any children came, I would need to cover up because what I was wearing was not appropriate for children.

He might as well have walked up to me and slapped me across the face.

I asked him (nicely) how my outfit was inappropriate for children when I was much more covered than a woman in a bikini at the beach, a setting that families with children often go to. His argument was that a family is more prepared to see that at the beach than at the gym. Not prepared to see women in gym clothes at the gym? Really??? Perhaps sensing that he had just pissed off the big, bad, feminist, he back-paddled, stating that it was simply the gym’s policy and that if a guy was climbing shirtless, they would also be asked to cover up.

Shell-shocked and wanting to finish my workout, I acquiesced by agreeing to cover up if kids suddenly materialized in the gym, but continued my work out in the offending outfit. However, I was so bothered by the whole exchange, I couldn’t focus. I felt body-shamed. I felt uncomfortable. I felt wrong. I felt like I had been sexualized without my consent while doing an activity that I don’t equate with sexuality at all. And I was angry that those feelings had been put on me at a climbing gym.

‘Cuz here’s the thing. There is nothing inherently ‘inappropriate’ about a woman in a sports bra and yoga pants at a gym. And there is nothing inherently ‘inappropriate’ about a woman’s body for children. Children come from, and are initially sustained by, a woman body’s for crying out loud. Children don’t sexualize a woman’s body, adults do that for them. That is why I felt so uncomfortable after the exchange- by claiming it was for the protection of innocent children, children who weren’t even present at the time, this guy had just gone there. He had made it a sexual thing.

Some of the guys reading this may be saying, ‘so what?’ Well here’s the problem: how is sexualizing my gym outfit I’m wearing at the gym different from telling a woman she has to wear a burka because seeing her wrist or ankle might ‘tempt a man to sin’? It’s not. Its the same logical framework. In both cases, self-control is co-opted from the (in this case) heterosexual male, with responsibility being forced upon the female victim. Aside from the sheer unfairness of this, if I were a man, I would be appalled that society thought so little of me as to equate me to an unneutered dog, simply following my urge to hump everything in sight. Did you really climb to the top of the evolutionary ladder to create excuses to act like an animal? Was all the energy nature put into evolving human beings to have the largest frontal lobes of any species before or since, all for naught? Isn’t this exactly what we are saying to males in our society when we use ‘boys will be boys’ as a justification for rape? Or when we take away from a girl’s education to enforce a dress code so as ‘not to distract the boys?’

Don’t get me wrong, if I had children, I would police what my daughter wore in public. Why? Because the unfortunate reality is that we live in a culture where this garbage happens. Where victim-blaming is pervasive and where a woman’s outfit still garners the reaction, ‘she was asking for it.’ And if I had son, I would teach him self-control. That there is nothing wrong with his sexuality, but as a human member of society, it is HIS responsibility to control the expression of his sexuality. That all women should be treated with respect and as fellow human beings, not simply objects of his own sexual gratification. And most importantly, I would teach him that bodies in workout clothing in a gym, or bathing suits at a beach can be viewed without attaching any sexuality to them.

In the end, I ended my workout early and asked the owner (politely) to show me where in the waiver it explicitly outlined the dress code. He could not. It was not in the rules posted on wall (though the rule specifying shoes must be worn was important enough to warrant mention there) nor was it in the written form I had initialed and signed acknowledging the gym policy’s at the outset. Citing my extreme discomfort with how this non-policy seemed to be capriciously enforced, I asked for, and was granted, a refund. Perhaps sensing the big pile of bullshit he had just just stepped in, the owner meekly reassured me that I was still welcome back anytime I wanted, provided I wear children-appropriate climbing attire of course.

As I walked out to my car, still reeling from the byzantine exchange I had just experienced, the man followed me out to my car with a copy of the operations manual (available to employees) in hand to show me where it was a written policy that shirts were required by all gym-goers. Pro tip for the guys out there: if you have just been a creepster, sexualized a woman’s outfit and shamed her body for being inappropriate for children, following her out to her car is NOT a good idea as this will serve only to maker her feel more vulnerable and further violated. I pointed out to him that if he was so adamant about this policy, it would behoove him to post it on the wall and also rewrite his waiver so that it is explicitly stated to climbers upon their first visit to the gym.

Luckily, I think this incident was an out-lying data point within the climbing community. I think most climbers are completely comfortable with seeing members of the opposite gender climbing shirtless. We can see it and appreciate the pleasurable visual representative of their strength without going to Creepy-town about it. But I tell this story because I am not so naive as to think ‘it can’t happen here, not in our community.’ The fact is that I climb with a lot of women. Every last one of us have of our stories of male partners making unwanted, un-encouraged sexual advances while climbing or on climbing trips- the lean-in for a kiss before you take her off belay, the ‘extra-special’ spot while bouldering that involves an unsolicited grope of her bum, or the ‘oops I forgot the second tent, guess we’ll have to share my one-person tent’ trick. Sometimes it more insidious: telling a woman that you only lowered yourself to climb at her level because you thought you were going to get laid or getting angry and making passive aggressive comments when she insists on booking separate rooms for your climbing trip. (The first one happened to me personally, the second to a climbing partner of mine.) This is how rape culture presents itself in our community- when female climbers are treated like objects of sexual gratification instead of fellow climbers. Furthermore, unwanted kissing, groping and touching constitute sexual assault.

What I am NOT trying to do here is hate on climber-dudes. As a heterosexual woman, I love and appreciate all my male climber friends, but as climbers and friends. My intent here is to show that facets of rape culture exist even in our little sub-culture, but even more than that, I want to see more women climbing. I want to see more women being comfortable in the mountains, taking the lead and really growing as people because of their participation in our sport. Climbing has taught me so many wonderful things, I’d like other women to have that same opportunity. But it’s going to be hard to create those opportunities if one of the objective risks of the sport is sexual objectification and possibly even assault. Since most of the climber guys I talk to seem very keen on finding a romantic relationship with a female climbing partner, it behooves them to also see more women participating in the sport. So fellas, here’s some quick tips to do your part:

Use common sense. If you wouldn’t spot your buddy with a hand on his ass, don’t do it to a woman. If you would like to touch a woman beyond what would be normal in climbing, simply ask permission. It hopefully goes without saying that if she denies you permission, do not go ahead with it anyway.

If you meet a climber chick you are interested in dating, do not ‘climbing date’ her. You can go climbing together to get to know her initially, but if you develop romantic feelings toward her and find yourself wanting to touch her or have contact beyond what you would with a male climbing partner, ask her permission, and take her on proper date. We’re psyched about climbing too and when we’re climbing, we want to focus on the climbing! So let’s save that awkwardness of a date for a non-climbing time and venue.

That’s it. My two rules for weeding out rape culture in the climbing community and making it a more, fun, welcoming, positive place for us all.

I came across this post on Facebook this morning and I love it! It’s one of the things I love about the community of women climbers around here.

I know some people complain that women can be really competitive. I don’t doubt this, but I think the above meme captures the problem succinctly- it’s usually stems from insecurity. Media and advertising campaigns seem invested in making women feel insecure. We are constantly told we need to be thinner, prettier, have the right clothes, etc. for what? To get a man. To get the right man. To reach some supposed pinnacle of womanly existence where we live like a Kardashian. Yuck.

Even in sport, competition- the negative kind- is often driven by a feeling of not being ‘enough.’ That winning more, beating someone else, will somehow prove that one is enough. The problem is that there is always more to achieve and that feeling of finally being ‘enough’ is always just out of reach.

There is a positive side to ‘competition’ though. When it drives us to work harder and to do our best. When seeing someone else achieve something inspires us to re-evaluate our own perceived limits. When it builds us up.

A few weeks ago, I belayed a climbing partner on a climb. After following her on it, I started to think that perhaps I could lead it too. It was a line that always had an inexplicable pull on me, but the intimidating moves though the roof always filled me with doubt- and dread. The idea of leading it started to pulse stronger through my brain last season, but after seeing her achieve it a few weeks ago- I knew I had to reevaluate my own perceived limits.

Each time I went climbing, it called to me, but fear kept me avoiding engaging in the challenge. Yesterday, the climb nearly screamed in my brain as I made my morning coffee and roughed out a plan for the day. Being a popular climb and a beautiful fall Sunday at the Gunks, I thought (hoped) I would be saved by crowds of climbers swarming on the climb. We walked right up to it, with no one on the climb. *gulp*

That was my sign. Today was my day. My sending day.

I racked up and tried to keep calm. Not only was I going to attempt the climb, but I was going to do it as my ‘warm-up’ climb of the day. I was petrified. I kept trying to remember my ujjayi breathing from yoga class that morning. There was also the false start where I got halfway up the climb and then had to go to the bathroom so bad, I lowered off to relieved myself before getting into the crux. (There was no way I was going to be able to do the required stemming at the crux without creating a really embarrassing incident.) Thankfully, my lovely climbing partner that day was so patient and so supportive. She encouraged me to keep going, to stay calm, and to focus on one move at a time, even though she could have led the climb in half the time and with way less drama. She’s one of my favorite strong women- secure enough in her own badass-ness that she encourages it and brings it out in others- like me. 🙂

I also learned that its OK to be afraid- climbing is scary after all! But becoming a better climber is about leaning into the fear and learning when to push through it so you can come out the other side.

You’re psyched on climbing. It’s what you spend all your free time doing and your non-free time thinking about doing. So naturally, you want a partner who understands and even shares this same obsession. Finding a girl who’s already passionate about climbing and dating her is difficult. For one, the climbing gym or the crag seems to be one big sausage fest and when you do see some climbing ladies, they are usually climbing with their boyfriends, or another male partner who appears to be their boyfriend.

So what’s a climbing-obsessed, single dude to do?

You look elsewhere and eventually, you met a girl. She’s cute and funny, but she doesn’t climb. Yet. You start to plot and think, ‘this could totally work…I’ll take her climbing, and she’ll fall madly love in with the sport and become as obsessed as I am. She’ll really get me. Then we’ll buy a Sprinter van and live on the road, traveling around the country as a happy climbing bum couple.’

*Insert bucket of cold water thrown on your face to rouse you from this dream state here.*

My friend, this is a BAD idea. I have yet to meet a guy friend for whom this scenario worked out. (If you’re the first- please be sure to comment and let me know if you think I’m full of it.) In fact, most of the time when a guy tries this, it goes so horribly wrong that you’ll be lucky to escape without a flood of tears and a fight so loud everyone at the crag/gym heard it. At best, you can expect to not get any for awhile. At the worst, you will have turned her off to the idea of climbing forever and then you’ll be back at square one.

Why doesn’t this work? Because of your arrogance and your ego. You see, if you are going to successfully make your non-climbing girlfriend into a climbing girlfriend, rule number one to remember is: it’s not about you.

I know, this would seem obvious, wouldn’t it? But when you over-estimate her ability and sandbag her on a climb that is too hard for her to ‘challenge her’- that’s your ego wanting her to transform into your awesome lady-crusher overnight. In the beginning especially, you’ve got to set her up for success, so that each climb becomes a positive reinforcement that she is strong and capable.

However, sometimes even if you do choose appropriate climbs, it may not work out. Why? Because you’ve neglected the emotional component. There are a lot of things to learn when you first start climbing and that can be overwhelming. Add to that the fact that one mistake can have very dire consequences and that most of us experience a very primal fear when fighting against gravity, and one’s first experience with climbing can leave them feeling very vulnerable. If you dismiss her fears or push her too hard when she is already feeling very anxious, this could result in her feeling dismissed- and ultimately betrayed. She’ll wonder if she can really trust you, because after all, why would you put her in this very dangerous, very scary position if you really cared about her? This kind of vulnerability and betrayal could be so great that the relationship never completely recovers from it and you break up. No beuno.

So, what can you do to ensure that your girlfriend has a positive experience with climbing that makes her want to come back for more?

1. Spring for a day with a guide. A guide’s job is to ensure that their clients have a fun and most importantly, SAFE climbing experience. That you cared enough about her safety to hire a credentialed professional will go a long way to making her feel safe and most importantly, that she can trust you with her safety- or at least to think about it and plan for it. Also, most professional guides are pretty adept at quickly assessing a climber’s comfort level and climbing ability, since that is a big part of their job. And because they generally know their home crag area well, they will probably be able to pick routes that match her ability level and natural strengths, setting her up for success and that whole positive reinforcement bit. The other thing that is great about hiring a guide is that by bringing a third person into the mix who is not emotionally involved in your relationship, it takes that whole vulnerability thing down a couple of notches. Meaning, your day is less likely to end with tears and a very-public shouting match. The bonus for you is that you will be able to learn some skills that improve your climbing and rope work too. This is what we call a win-win, kids.

2. Find another lady crusher to take her out. Most women I know love to climb with other women and would be happy to bring another lady into the fold. One of the cool things about climbing with another lady is that it can be incredibly motivating. We see another lady achieving and doing something awesome and we think, ‘if she can do that, maybe I can too…‘ So climbing with another lady is more likely to inspire your girlfriend to want to try- and keep- climbing. Also, climbing with the girls is just fun. We can giggle, tell dirty jokes and just have a great time. Again, the more positive the experience is around her first few outings, the more likely your girlfriend is to be become interested and stick with it. Climbing with another chick is also likely to help her see that climbing can be her own thing- that she can enjoy it and participate in it with and apart from you, instead of for you. Some women really like to please, so she may feel pressured to climb to make you happy, despite not having any real interest in it herself. This is not a good set-up if you’re already planning on using your honeymoon as an excuse to go climb in Thailand. If you don’t know any lady crushers to set her up with, there are lots of events going on for female climbers. Chicks with Picks and Chicks Climbing are a guide service that caterers specifically to female climbers and offers instruction for every level from beginner to advanced. They have Girlie Gatherings all over the country throughout the climbing season. SheJumps is another organization that wants to get more women outdoors. Look for a Get The Girls Out climbing event near you. And if you have a gym near by, most have a ladies night. Not only can your girl get discount admission, but she is more likely to met other woman psyched on climbing too.

3. Respect her wishes and don’t force anything. If after all I’ve said above, you still insist on taking your girlfriend climbing yourself, you still have a shot of making it into a positive experience. Leave your ego at home and make the day about her. Whatever projects or things you want to accomplish- save them for another day and different partner. Be willing to belay her all day on 5.4 if that’s what it takes. Be supportive and encouraging, but don’t force her beyond what’s comfortable for her. Remember, if climbing is new to her, she’s already out of her comfort zone. So if she gets half way up a climb and wants to come down, kindly offer for her to perhaps try one move higher and if she declines, allow her to come down immediately. Don’t push too hard by making her stay up there until she completes the climb, or shout the beta for each move of the climb until she tops out- unless she has expressly asked you to do those very things. If she says she’s done after one climb, respect that and leave. (Bonus points if you take her to do something she really wants to do afterwards.) Also, don’t take her multi-pitch climbing her first time outside. Especially if it’s just the two of you, it can be really daunting to know when it’s OK to break down your anchor- the one thing holding you to cliff- and begin climbing when you’re on a ledge off the deck all by yourself. It can also be really scary when you’re struggling and your partner feels so far away. If you have to do multi-pitch for some reason the first day out, consider using a few tricks the guides use. Always set up your anchor in such a way that you can keep your eyes on your climber the entire time. If you have to, break up a pitch into mini-pitches and belay halfway up so that you can keep a good visual and proximity to her. If you don’t have the skills to do either of these, please do not take your girlfriend climbing and refer to #1.

Now that you’re educated on how to not screw it up, get out there and introduce your girl to climbing! And when she’s spending all of your money on climbing gear and Patagonia/Prana stuff, don’t say I didn’t warn you 😉

One of the things I value most about my life of climbing and skiing is that it gave me an out. It gave me a different measure of success then what I think our society gives most women and girls.

Look at the major magazines sold to woman. The same articles appear every month about how to lose 10 pounds, how to get the latest hair or make-up style, what the latest fashion trends are, or how to make your boyfriend think you are a sex goddess. Where are the articles about being happy? About being a strong, badass woman? About pursuing your dreams and living life on your own terms? About being unique and being yourself?

Yeah….

These are things I have been ruminating on my entire adult life, but recently, I have come to realize that this insidious message actually starts much earlier then when a girl can start reading Teen magazine.

My nieces are really into all the Disney Princess stuff. I say “stuff” because there is a TON of it. Dress-up clothes, dolls, books, DVDs… even marathons now! I know some folks might think I’m being a bit ridiculous about it, but I think the messages are pretty clear if you can keep your eyes, and mind, open to it long enough. Your life, as woman, doesn’t start until you find your Prince to come and kiss you awake.

How do I know I’m not being ridiculous about this? Because that was the story I grew up with and we didn’t even have all the Princess themed stuff they have now. As I was growing up, I dreamed constantly of meeting the right guy, being kissed and living happily ever after.

That’s why I say climbing was my ‘out,’ my big, red EJECT button from that fantasy (delusion?). I started climbing at 19 years old and it started me on a trajectory that led to the development of my own thoughts about what a ‘successful’ life looks like and what kinds of things really matter.

For instance, I think experiences are more valuable then stuff (unless its GEAR you need for said experiences and then it is TOTALLY valuable!) See my previous post about summit shots. It also means that the ladies I look up to the most aren’t models or actresses. They are everyday women who crank hard on the rock or can totally rip on the slopes.

So with this internal milieu, I drove home for Thanksgiving and my niece’s sixth birthday. I hadn’t gotten her birthday present yet and was worried about showing up empty handed. When I stopped at Barnes and Noble and saw a copy of the new book Women Who Dare, I got an idea.

I would take my nieces climbing. I know there is a climbing gym nearby- I use to work there in college. I’d take them ‘Princess climbing”- let them dress up in princess clothes and go climbing. My hope was that they could begin to see that princesses can be strong and self-reliant. That they could adventure and climb and still wear pink :-).

They both ended up having a great time. So much so, that the next day, they asked me if I could take them ‘princess climbing’ again. Music to this aunt’s ears!

The birthday girl

This one loved going “so high.”

Hopefully, I planted a seed. Only time will tell for sure, but experiences like this are why its so important to “get the girls out.”