Highlights From Last Night’s Miss America Pageant

America, meet your new queen: Miss New York, Mallory Hytes Hagan. She tap-dances to James Brown, she comes from Brooklyn, where she attended the Fashion Institute of Technology; she hopes to work in global cosmetics marketing someday. Her charitable platform is the prevention of child sexual abuse and she owns at least one swimsuit.

It was a night to remember, full of the strange and cold moments that are to be found only in our most beautiful of pageants. Miss Georgia called out her own state in brutal, smiling fashion, declaring herself to be “from the state that celebrates diversity — from Scarlett O’Hara to Honey Boo Boo.”

Genetic wizard McKayla Maroney was forced to deliver another “not impressed” face immediately following the swimsuit competition; she is contractually obligated to make that face at the request of any American citizen and is no longer permitted to speak aloud.

Host Chris Harrison offered donuts to the contestants who had just been eliminated, admonishing the audience to never forget that the scourge of sexism is still alive and well when he declared they “hadn’t had a carb in years.”

Later, backstage, he openly wept at the tragedy of it all.

Last year’s Miss America, Laura Kaeppeler, was allowed to walk across the stage one final time before peacefully passing away in her sleep.

As you know, the crown that Miss America wears atop her head gives her the combined strength of all of her defeated opponents, but it also dramatically accelerates the aging process. Few Miss Americas live many days after the end of their regnal year. We wish Mallory all of the best and pray that when the day finally comes she can rest her giant head and sleep at last, death comes for her both swiftly and painlessly. Here she comes.