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Category Archives: Fake News

LOS ANGELES, CA – ­­ It what can only be described as “the moment he was waiting for”, Paul Condiff was diagnosed with skin cancer after years of thinking he had every disease known to man. “I’m just overwhelmed with emotions ­ I feel like I’ve been building to this moment ever since I thought I had bird flu,” exclaimed Paul after signing up for his first batch of chemotherapy. A self­ diagnosed “WebMD Head”, Paul had been to his doctor thirty­seven times within the past two months, worried that he had everything from a gluten allergy to werewolf syndrome after watching a documentary about the famous dog brothers of Mexican circus fame.

“I was sure I had gone full werewolf; I mean my eyebrows were just getting a little too thick for comfort. Turns out I have the perfect mix of Hungarian and Armenian genes to justify these caterpillars I call eyebrows.”

Paul’s excitement didn’t’ last long, however. Moments after leaving the doctor’s office he noticed a man sneezing and was convinced he had whatever the hell that man had.

…said third­ grader Johnny Guzzardo. “I’m not sure how dating works, or even how babies are made, but Ms. O’Hannigan needs to start getting herself out there ­ this much I know.” In her eleventh year teaching the third grade, Stacey O’Hannigan has remained single, residing in a townhouse a few miles from the school building. Hall monitor and class treasurer Paul Russo added this dagger:

“After my mom passed away I thought it was a no­ brainer for my Dad to make Ms.O’Hannigan our new mom, but I’d be lying if I said her outfits did anything to spice up the parent­-teacher conference.”

There was renewed hope shortly after lunch when a new computer was installed in a classroom. Paul continued, “Fingers crossed that she stays late tonight and creates an online dating profile, but we’re not really holding our breath.”