It’s so trivial how circumstances and time change a person in the blink of the eye. The people whom you once share your laughters and tears with are now the people you can’t even ask of the simplest things you can ask to strangers.

Ex-boyfriends, Ex-bestfriends/friends. Why is it that the people you are close with are also the same people who can give you the coldest spaces, glares and smiles?

If its pride or something, I believe there is still that special place in each others heart that is just waiting to be touched.

Happiness.

It’s the simplest thing on earth, but also the hardest to find. When I was a child, every time my friends and other people would ask me of what I want to be 1o years from then, I have the most of what someone would say what s/he wanted to be, but as I grow older, I learned that you won’t truly get the things as you planned and if you do, you will eventually realize that there is more to life than such, and that, I’ve realized what I really wanted in life.

I just want to be happy.

Why some relationships need to be ended drastically to the point of cursing each other? Whenever I recall some of my past relationships, all I can think are countless what if’s and what might have been. Sometimes you just can’t make explanations of why things happen when they wouldn’t be a part of your life anyway, or maybe if you are meant to learn from such, why through them?

Letting go is just one part of life each and every one is not exempted to. Memories, people, its very painful to think that one day, you will no longer get hold of the things most precious to you, that no matter how many tears you weep, the only thing you can do will be just reminisce.

I’m so afraid to see myself in that phase of my life someday. I’d rather be numb and indolence than to watch each pieces of what made me who I am slowly dripping off of my grip.

That’s why sometimes, I just prefer not to hold tight the things, I know, eventually will dessert me.

Compare to all the mornings I’ve woke up to, this one’s the most thankful and blessed I’ve ever felt. Its no strange for me to wake up alone, do the house chores myself, prepare my own food and eat alone, sleep with only pillows as my fellow. Its how my everyday goes by. I’m used to it and probably would live a life in the future same as how I live my life now. But you know what’s weird, this complete situation makes me even closer to the people im not with everyday. My mom, though she come home only every Friday of the week because of her work, I feel like she’s always in the house cooking foods for us like she used to when I was a child. I feel like she’s still waking me up every morning whenever I have a class to attend to. My father, though he would leave the house early and come late at night, I feel like he’s still hanging with us all day, constantly repeating his classic jokes with us booing him then and there. My sister, though she’s in school almost the entire day, I feel like I’m still talking to her about my stuffs, my personal secrets and even arguing with her about plenty of things we used to argue. I’m alone by the house all day, and maybe those sacrifices that each and everyone of us do for the sake of the family tie us even more.

Things started to be complicated when my father got stroked on the midst of October, right before his 43rd birthday. Thank God the damage wasn’t that severe, but the impact on our family, that the only breadwinner we have, turned into someone less strong, it brought us to our knees. That moment where we woke up in the morning with my father cant barely stand himself up and speak clearly, everything seemed went slow-mo. My mom was yelling ‘na-stroke ung papa nyo tawagan nyo mga auntie nyo !’, I was numb and speechless, but I can feel that my entire body was shaking. A part of me is shattered and the worst thing is I can do nothing but to stand and cry.

That night was a nightmare to me and my family. Every time we used to reminisce things, that part of our lives is a no no to tackle. I temporarily stopped school. My father is now doing good and were maintaining his health to be better and better and in god’s will, be as how his health was before he went through stroke. My father and my mother now work to regain the financial catastrophe we’ve experienced and also for me to continue my studies this coming October.

You can’t really conclude things. You can’t tell when and where a storm will hit you. And you can’t tell how long or how short you’ll be with your loved ones.

That experienced turned me into someone responsible, family oriented, and god-fearing even person I never was. We know that things happen for a reason and such those circumstances brought us to be even closer and happier with our lives.

I love my family, and that no storm will nor problem will part our ways. I know god is looking after us, and thus we will be happy and blessed no matter what. J

I want to be happy as if none of those problems are bothering me. I know it can’t happen overnight. But sometimes, I just really wish it would, who doesn’t?

I have plenty of scars I’m carrying within me, that no matter how much I ignore them, they just keep on staying, making me a less good person, over and over.

This is quiet humiliating but I, you know, I know no way to get rid of these insecurities but for the world to hear it straight from me.

I envy those girls who are much prettier than me. Ugh, I’m not pretty anyway, so its much correct to say, ‘girls who are pretty unlike me’. I don’t know why I have this kind of sickness within me. It’s like a poison that’s destroying all I need to be, and should be. Instead of having confidence with how I look, I always compare myself with someone who is more inferior, to someone who is more a head turner. I think its normal for everyone to envy someone, but mine’s eventually became a fear instead of a mere comparison.

It all started when I was still in the 4th grade, I’m all dark-skinned, kinky haired and so fat. Boys in our school used to tease me a lot and keep on labeling me numerous hurtful pseudo. Every time I arrived home, I instantly go to my room and weep. I feel so ugly. But things start to worsen when one day, I am walking home, a boy in the street shout ugly right in front my face. It was a total pride wreck for me, and on that day too, I make it to a point that me and that bastard will not meet ways again.

I went to high school and that fear’s still with me. I remember like when I was in high school, I don’t bring any comb, face powder or a mirror, because all I’m thinking that phase of my life is, I will never be beautiful, no matter how much face powder I put on, no matter how many times I comb my hair each day.

On that time, rejection is a no strange thing for me. I have a crush, he don’t like me, and the one he like is our classmate who is much beautiful, much popular, and the one who is been courted by many, its my story and it just repeat every now and then, I’m used to it.

Since no one will like me based on how I look, I just focused on my studies until its been consistent for me being on the list of top notches, and yes, I regain a little confidence from it, but still not enough to take away the fears and the insecurity I’m always afraid for anyone to see.

The first crush ive ever had, I cried, the second, I wept, the third, we became boyfriends/girlfriends for 7 months but right after graduation, he broke up with me.

After that relationship (actually that’s the second I had, the very first one, ugh I cant remember anything about it), I started to bring myself up, I went to salons to straighten my hair, I started to use skin whitening lotions, I started to embrace changes, and pull strength out of nowhere, to somehow, this time, be appreciated, be valued.

Changes started to come; I’m noticing every single bit of it, very frolic of every little single bit of it. I don’t how and why but I just woke up one day with the society actually responding positively on the changes I worked hard for. I started to have suitors, telling that phrase really makes me shy, tsk, and that guy whom I had wept to, he courted me.

Things started to amend enormously that it became so weird and scary. I took a step back and reviewed the life I have seen this past 16 years, it’s very far from the one I’m looking at now, very far. I questioned myself of what I really wanted, of what really would make me happy. I’m doing good in school, I have my true friends, I have a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I’m no longer afraid of what every one will say. I think I just found happiness, and this time im more confident, braver, and freer than ever.

Those persons who once gave me the drastic feelings I never imagined I had felt, I’m thankful of how they opened my eyes and my mind about the much important things in life, of how they made me realized that beauty is more than meets the eye.

Now, I’m all a better person than I was 16 years ago, I know I’m beautiful inside out, I’m witty, I’m god fearing, I’m not materialistic, not stereotype, and most of all, not anymore jailed by someone’s inferiority. And as this article comes to its end, I can truthfully say, that at this point of my life, I overcame insecurity. J

Friday, September 9, 2011

- This commercial made me weep. Ive never cried like that on any movies but this burst me into tears. I love my father, and of course my family. There is nothing really permanent in this world, people come and go, thats why when you have the people you love around you, let them know. :)

That feeling of having chills whenever that someone is around and you can do nothing but to stay still and pretend that you have the numbest senses to ignore his every cuteness. It’s very elementary isn’t it? Puppy love, secret love, first love, infatuation, I’ve experienced almost all of them, and at my age now I can now really tell that there is more to love than those.

When I was a child, love, I don’t really know what it’s all about. If im on that age and you’re going to ask me of what love is ? I might answer you, ‘ love .. hm. Its how my parents feel for each other? And perhaps the reason why I’m existing.’ As a child, I grew up believing that love is love in itself, and such it will come on when it is meant to come.

Years passed, people came and went, I smiled, I laughed, burst into tears, rejected, redeemed, triumphed, and so on and so forth. And to those years that passed, I loved so many times, rejected so many times. And so I learned that love isn’t just sweet as how fairytales told me so.

The process of growing up took me to many different places and shoes ive never imagined to be in. Its like eating your most favorite food while riding in a roller coaster you don’t know when will stop, when can you eat your favorite food, and what are the chances that you won’t miss a grip of it. Life’s tricky, and so is love.

Love can be hurtful, can be so excruciating. But that’s how it goes. You’ll love, you’ll get hurt, you’ll learn, you’ll love again. But again, there is more to love than those.

As a day is being ripped off of my life, I hunger for what is more than enough, of how love became the center of almost everything, of how it can make someone a beast and a saint, of why everyone seems to crave for its sanctity, and of billions of how’s and why clinging on my very thought.

I pause for a minute, and mesmerize my environment. It’s also the minute that I realized I am the only one home. I peeked outside and decided to walk. I’ve seen so many faces, how am I supposed to write something regarding love if those faces don’t convey what im looking for. Is love supposed to hurt? Is love supposed to bring you happiness? Ughh , I don’t know what to write anymore.

On my way home, as I cross the street I saw a jeepney driver talking to a (pulubing bata-pakitranslate na lang), preaching about life, taking about how he have spent his teenage years playing games he thought worth wasting time, not minding how life will just be a glimpse at his expense. He told the child that he should pursue education because when he had chance to do so, he missed it and so he became a failure and would be probably die achieving nothing at all. It melt my heart to hear those words, but on the other side, I felt blessed to see that there are still people that are not coward to set themselves as examples so that others won’t do the same mistakes they did. And why would he be concern to someone he’s not really related to? It’s love I guess.

That scene opened my eyes to many different shades of love, of it being a broad world to explore, of it being a word with many meanings that can be associated with.

It can be a child sharing his cookie to his playmate. It can be a mother cooking lunch for her daughter. It can be someone helping his friend in his downs. It can be a stranger helping an old woman cross the street. It can be a simple take care and don’t forget to eat your lunch. It can be in the form of letting go, of acceptance and of wishing all the happiness for someone. It can be in fighting for what you know, will bring you happiness. It can be in a secret glimpse, mere hi’s and hello’s, simple nods and smiles.

Now what is love for me?

My parents, my mother and father who work as hard as they could to provide me the future they always want for me.

The people who have been a part of my life in the past and in the present for giving me memories I always look up to when life is giving me many reasons to quit.

Those precious moments, when I felt valued than ever. Those words that calmed me when fear is out powering me, that when I reminisce, keeps me believing that life has many beautiful things to offer if I will put worries aside and expand my horizon with god as my guiding light in every journey I went through.

Those smiles, those taps in my back, those warm embrace, those ears that listens, those hands that firmly holds mine, those prayers, those who understands, those who continue believing, those second chances, those shoulders I can rely to, all of them, they are love to me. But again, there is more to love than those.

I still can’t say that I’m no longer naïve for I’m not yet half through with my journey. I have lots of things to explore, many people to encounter, many places to see and many circumstances to learn from. Ive experienced to cry, to love and to be loved, met numbers of different people, stocked in countless dilemmas, and learned from them and from those, but with all those experiences I’ve encountered, still, am for sure, that there is more to love, than those. :)