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I now realize that I've had psychosis for months now, after denying it for a long time. I think if my therapist had known everything that I wrote on here, she would have involuntarily committed me. However, I didn't trust her because... well... she was working behind my back with my pdoc and I felt ganged up on. I kept telling her things and she would tell my pdoc literally everything I said. (I know this for a fact because he had confronted me about what my therapist had told him.) So, being psychotic, I had no idea who else she could've been talking to--the government, the FBI, hospital, police--or what she was planning to do to me, so that fear only fueled the delusional paranoia and made me trust her less. That's why I kept thinking she had set up cameras to watch me 24/7. I had already felt secretly stalked by someone, and with her breaching my trust, I began to believe that SHE was the "secret stalker" all along.

This is no excuse, but I seem to have bad insight most of the time. The only time I can tell when I am currently experiencing psychosis is when the psychosis is mild (e.g., tactile hallucinations). Otherwise, I have to remember to fact check after the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions abate. However, I don't always fact check because the psychosis was so realistic that it doesn't cross my mind to fact check anything. For example, if you're at work and hear a radio, you'll probably figure it's someone playing the radio even if it's just a hallucination. "Why would you fact check a radio?"

I really need to get in the habit of fact checking everything I see/do. sorry.

Why are you sorry? You've been polite and shared. I don't you remember you saying anything worthy of an apology. Perhaps you should share your posts with your therapist. It may be time for more help if the psychosis is so heavy you feel you need to fact check your every move.

You have nothing to be sorry for. This is a safe place to post what’s going on with you and to get feedback from your friends based on posts of past behavior. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope you are feeling better now.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, bluebicycle! I completely agree with what fern46 and Fuzzybear have already wisely said better than I ever could! No apologies are needed! It's not your fault if you were going through all of this after all! You certainly didn't ask for it! I'm really happy that you're acknowledging it now though and I hope that you're feeling a bit better! Thank you so much for making this thread and updating everyone about your own situation! I hope you'll be able to work with your Pdoc and your therapist and that you'll be able to get through all of this! I'm SURE that you'll be able to get through all of this! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Keep fighting and keep trying your best! That's all we humans can do after and it's ALWAYS more than enough! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! I know things seem pretty bad right now, but trust me when I say that they CAN and WILL GET BETTER! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, bluebicycle!

I agree you do not have to apologize, you were not well and had poor insight like you said. It was not your fault and you were not unkind to anyone that I recall. I am glad you were able to fact check this time, that can't be an easy thing to do.