This is me, on the balcony of the flat I live in, How friggin gorgeous is that view?
Also its going to be hard moving to the burbs when the time comes.

My first 2 weeks in Cape Town have been surreal and wonderful and scary, all at the same time.
The lead up to CT wasn't as great as I would have liked but we can't win at everything.

The weekend before I left, I met up with Azra and we had a fun few hours that Saturday, It was hot and I was so thirsty, the problem though, I left so late I couldn't see so well.

The sunday when my vision still hadn't cleared, I knew something was up. Finally on Monday I went to the doc, and he confirmed my worse fear, I was diabetic and my blood glucose had spiked to 29.6.
Anyone familiar with this illness knows I was 5 points short of a coma.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.Elisabeth Kübler-RossThis I Like!

In a conversation with fellow blogger Ridi we were talking about old fashioned values and what we're afraid of.

Fear: People are not necessarily racist but we're all arseholes, trying to differentiate ourselves from each other. even if that means condescending. We're lonely, even when we have lovers,spouses and friends.

Kindness: we don't practice this often enough, with ourselves or with others, the constant voice in our head berating our efforts is louder than the compassionate response of " I tried so hard"

Following the river: it is a metaphor for seeing purpose in nature and living inside of nature <- is what he said. Such a clever chap. but its more than that, its walking away from the complications and simplifying your life.

My moving to CapeTown in a month: Its my own return to nature, to the soil, because its where we have come from and to where we will return. CT is my river that I am following, as I try to untangle the roots of my life. My relation…

to talk about things, that don't always make sense.
So wishful thinking and romanticising the past.
To remembering the way my life was and where it is
and the track im on right now.
Can I have a minute to catch my breath and hold my finger up
One damn minute to think for myself without judgement and drummed impatient fingers
Can I have a minute to talk about what happened to me and to you and to us
and instead of unpacking shit and trying to see from your view point that you look at mine
Can we please stop for one fucking moment and rememebr that under all of this
We are people with feelings, who feel hard-done by, kicked to the curb, left-out, unloved and lonely
And lashing it out to those you make yourself vulnerable to only makes it hurt THAT much more
So can I ahve one minute to remember the good in people, the world, my family
without someone trying to ruin this optimist with realities which have no place in my life.
So I will take that minute and walk away because I am wor…

I want to write to express the ticker tape of thoughts running through my head
on any given day and even in wakeful moments while sleeping.

Between the loneliness of my own company, or the hand wringing and worrying while my mother
sit and waits while I queue in queues for her to get her to a doctor, a person who will not see patient number 157 but my mother, the precious women who I raise 4 times to the heavens.

When I pray in traffic or sleepless moments, for once, to have my goals reached rather than thwarted.

I want to sing and dance for the small gratitudes of a lovely day, sunshine on my back or a breeze in my face. To clap like a seal at my joys.

To laugh loudly and from the belly, when I am with friends and bring joy to their conversations.

Of whispered prayers of forgiveness because I fall. every.time

The wish of care and consideration for my friends and family who are struggling.
To say the right words to friends I miss.
To missing those I am longer with.
To celebrate achiev…

I wanted to count my blessings. Because over the last couple of months, I have had it pretty tough.
I don't mean, "I am so sad and I am not sure what to do with my life" tough

I mean illness, recovery and rehabilitation. Over the last few months everyone in my house has been hospitalised for something or the other.

It wasn't until my mom got really ill end of March and just never recovered. and I didn't think much of it, she's getting older and her body more fragile.
It wasn't until she couldn't walk or sit or clean herself, that I realised I was in trouble. this didn't happen over night, she just got out of bed, less and less and stopped talking less and less. As a Bipolar sufferer I put it down to a bout of depression that she couldn't shake. because of her loss of mobility, I have been walking her to and from the bathroom and eventually bedpan every 3 hours.
My job was the night shift, because my brother was with her all day. Between frustra…

Welcome to the Dead Fathers club
Of little princess who are no longer little
And not so "princess after all"
Who have to fend for themselves.

Here's to the Queen mothers who are both royal and royally fatigued
To the vanished prince charming, who never becomes the knight in shining armour

To the cinder maid who rises above her station and to the doorman who is overlooked
for the swarthy court jester.

To the little girls who will never be innocent ever again
To the women who have to fight their own battles
And the mothers who wish for a kind hearted man to sweep their daughters off their feet

Here's to the Briennes of the world, that they may become the Polgara's, and even to the Melissandres and the Cersei's
the women who have made the best of their circumstances and have become the products of their lives.

May we all one day be the Mulan's and the Merida's - write our own future and find love in our own due course.

Everyone and their mother will now have an opinion on what is happening in Eldos and wether or not its actually as bad as it seems.

For as long as I can remember I have had to stand up for my hometown and convince people I didn't live in Baghdad Ext12. We had no drive-bys and other criminal activities.

I am not sure if I have been living under a rock, or if I disassociated a long time ago. Recently Eldos has been in the press for all the wrong reasons. Death, Torture, Crime,Drugs almost every evil thing that has come to mind.

These issues are real and if I could have moved out I think I would and will. Not because I don't care, but because it gets tougher and tougher to remain. Loud drunken parties by neighbors who spare no thought to anyone but their good times. Cars racing down the road at break neck speeds. Absolute chaos of the festive and Easter Seasons. Openly drinking with your parents in front of your homes. Drag racing.

Last night I got to taste a little Mozambique. Sheena gracefully accomodated me when asked if I too could attend her twitter table she was hosting.
Man, there is nothing more delicious than well prepared prawns - when they can be found [ We couldn't find the prawns in the buffet and when I asked where the prawns were, the waiter responded with "under the sea"]He did it with such a dead pan face I couldn't stop laughing.
However Chef Benny of Masterchef fame, made sure that I got freshly prepared prawns as compensation for having to look for them.
The service was fast and efficient, the company was warm and funny, and my food was amazing.
I got to eat muscles,barracuda, red snapper, prawns and the most delish lobster tails I have ever had.
Not bad for a R290 price tag eh? This taste experience is available until the 9th of May. Click here for bookings
Please also note of all the above fish, I have never eaten lobster,muscles, or even barracuda *ooh barracuda*
Thanks…

its been a tough 1st quarter of the year. Lots of growing up, lots of mending both emotionally and physically from an op (I call it the rapture)
But I am hoping with a lots of prayer and excercise that things will heal.

When for that little moment you forget your history and where you came from

And Never have I seen my life mirrored so, than in a few specific individuals who keep popping up in my life, no matter the paths we've chosen.

It started with 4 Muslims students chosen to attend a private schooled. To clever for our own good and too driven for poverty.

What started at the age of 10 back in 1991 and traversed many many roads. Where our history and our demons have haunted us through our angsty teens and questionable 20's.

We seemed to have found our way in the end, our 30th's celebrated quietly with email conversations between us.

Will it surprise you that even though we were chosen to get a better education, all of us eventually left the 1st world educational institution that tried to show us to live beyond colour, race and our humble beginnings. There were no lecturers and role models available for us back then, to show us how to intergrate our religion and the rest of our lives…

Its been a while since I've read a book thats moved me. I picked up this book in desperation on my way to the doc. Oriah Mountain Dreamer gave me the tools to help heal what was recently broken.

Me, my heart and my self worth.More than that, the hurt I felt and self flagellation that followed had driven me to a self destructive point.

The book, while by no means an answer to anything specific. Helped me to deal with my part in what happened, to take ownership of it, to forgive it and to love the humaness of my mistakes.

I sought to make it right with those who got hurt, those who were betrayed and sought forgiveness where neccessary. I also realised that I left my happiness and well being in other peoples hands.
As I slowly climb out of what can only be described as the toughest year since my dad died. I find more than anything I want peace of mind, and love for everyone.

The dance helped me articulate what I was feeling and allowed me to express what I couldn't.

January was a best of times and it was the worst of times.
Sounds a tad melodramatic but its true.

1. Losing stereotypes
I performed in Azaadville this passed weekend. While I do see why their call it the fourth holiest cities etc etc. The people were warm and welcoming and a laugh at themselves and me. I didn't know what a Kolvid was, I said I thought it was a biscuit (many laughs were had at this)

2. Losing habits

To say I have conquered my smoking habit doesn't even begin to describe the absolute happiness I feel at finally being free. I don't know what's made the difference this time. But even though I do sometimes feel the incredible urge to smoke from time to time. I am free.
*high fives self*

3. Losing Kg's

I have lost just over 5 kgs in the last month, bearing in mind 3 of us were gained because of #2, but still that's 10 bricks of butter that I am not carrying on my self any longer.

I looked across the table where she sat and saw bits of myself I never wanted to recognise.
I see parts of me staring back that I KNOW she gave me.
"Smile, its Sadaqah"she says - I do
"Forgive because its easier than bearing pain" - I try
"Don't hold onto things when they aren't yours" - I must admit to it.
"Don't believe you know better than God" - I submit.
I look across the table at the wrinkles that soften loving eyes
and the trembling hands that hide a secret strength.
At a love- so robust - it fills my senses and makes me believe.
Your mother three times and then your father
Love,Forgive and Cherish and Protection.
I am my mothers child, and my fathers daughter.
Flaws and Flowers flow through me with a grace I am unsure of.