Narrator: 1982. That was the year I turned 13. Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager. I was gonna have women, money, stay out late... I thought it was gonna be the bomb! Boy, was I wrong!

Rochelle Rock: CHRIS! Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat! [under her breath] Disgusting!

Julius: If you smell smoke, and you think the house is going to catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell gas, and you think the house is going to blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.

Narrator: Fortunately, the house never caught fire, and neither did my brother.

Tonya: I have to go to the bathroom!

Chris: I told you to go at school!

Tonya: That bathroom is nasty!

Julius: Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time while you sleep. That's two cents an hour.

Narrator: Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something that we can't tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court and he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a warning.

Rochelle Rock: If I ever catch any of y'all spray-paintin' on anybody's wall, I'll put my foot so far up your behind that you'll have toes for teeth!

Rochelle Rock: [last line of the episode, offscreen]WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TOWEL?!

[Chris' eyes widen in shock, and the screen freezes and slowly fades to black]

Narrator: Even though Caruso was messin' with me, getting embarrassed made him even madder. So, you know what's coming next.

Joey Caruso: This isn't over, nigger.

Narrator: Oh, he got away with calling me "nigga" that day, but later in life, he said it at a DMX concert, and got almost stomped to death.

Julius: We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

Narrarator: One time I only got ice.

Narrator: When I was 13, my mom convinced my dad to move us outta the projects. She always said "project" is just another word for "experiment." In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

Rochelle: Well, ain't this about a bi--?![Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard![Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" ass![Cuts to Rochelle inside] Have you LAWST yo mind?! [She leaves the room]

Chris: [narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him of easy.

Julius: [pretending to be tired] Hey, what are ya gon' make for dinner? [Rochelle stares at him.] Huh?

Rochelle: Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner?! Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons?! Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off yo head!

Chris: [narrating][as he, Tonya and Drew mess up the house] Black people didn't go this crazy again till the L.A. riots!

Tonya: Mom, where's Chris?

Rochelle: His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week. He'll be back on Tuesday.

Drew: Told you.

Chris: Why do they call you "Fat Mike?"

Fat Mike: They just always did.

Chris: [narrating] There were about 10 Mikes in my neighborhood: Big Head Mike spent more time in jail than out of jail. White Mike was just a white guy who lived on the block; family didn't have enough money to leave. Tall Mike played ball, Monster Mike just scared kids, and Mike Mike was actually the first Mike that lived on the block, but his real name was Paul.

Narrator: My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people don't tell you they're irresponsible. 'Cause they're irresponsible!

Rochelle: Boy, I'm-a kick her ass. Hold my wig.

Chris: You can't leave your baby here.

Yvette: Why not?

Chris: Because you're babysitting.

Narrator: We didn't know if it was his baby either, but trust me: Ain't no black man pickin' up a baby that ain't his.

Chris and Tonya (singing to the baby): It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, how I keep from going under.

Narrator: Hey, he cried when I sang Endless Love.

Julius: Twenty dollars to get into a club? We can dance at home for free!

Narrator: Thanks to Drew and Tonya, I was taking care of kids till I was taking care of my own kids!

Chris: (to mom & dad) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby. But when she came back, she burned your chicken, So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby. He said his name was Mario and he was the baby's father. So when he left, she came back, and the baby wasn't here. So,she went to go get the baby back. Her mother came to the door looking for her and the baby. So what they had a big fight about where to live. She said she'd live at Mario's house. WHO IS MARIO? So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonya's hair. Drew got to watch the game. You guys came back. She's trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine. It's not!

Julius: I told you we should have let Chris babysit! Girl, give me my money back!

Rochelle: Oh baby, you'll be able to use up all the hot water you want.

Narrator: So all I'm getting is a clean ass.

Julius: Steaming hot.

Tonya: I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Narrator: When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.

[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]

Teenage Tonya: So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

Narrator: If you had a Walkman, you could even listen to bad music, and no one would know . . . unless you were dumb enough to sing along.

Narrator: In the game of Dare, there are no rules, there are no regulations, and the game doesn't end 'til somebody's dead.

Chris: [to Julius] I was hoping you could give me an allowance?

[Everyone suddenly looks at him in shock, especially Julius]

Narrator: I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he he heard:

[Cutaway]

Chris: Since you work like a slave all day, and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it? [Draws same response as before]

Narrator: If you watch TV, you'll know that the emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be. Wrong!

Narrator: We delivered papers in Brooklyn. We delivered papers in Queens, Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem, the Bronx, Greenwich Village. We delivered papers to people I didn't even know who could read.

[Cutaway]

Tonya: Mom! Chris just got hit by a car!

Rochelle: Oh my God! I'll go get the Robitussin!

Narrator: Ain't no fussin' with the 'tussin.

Julius: I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?

Narrator: When broke kids get bored, they play one of the cheapest games ever invented, I Dare You.

Rochelle: No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

Narrator: But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.

Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Deidre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn. Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell, but a lot of people say he invented homelessness. I had a reputation, too: not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy.

Narrator: Next to dealin' drugs, gettin' bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

[Cutaway to 1993]

Rochelle: Tonya, what happened?

Adult Tonya: Momma, I had to smoke that fool.

Rochelle: No, not him! I'm talkin' about this D you got in algebra!

Narrator: And worse than this...

[Cutaway to 1994]

Rochelle: Drew! Where is that boy?! What the hell is wrong with you?

Teenage Drew: [dressing a cowboy outfit] I'm followin' my dream, momma. I'm gonna be a country and western singer.

Rochelle: I'm not talkin' about that! I'm talkin' about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think I'm playin' with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin' no damn drugs in my house!

Julius: My foot's lookin' better, don't you think?

Rochelle: Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin' pancakes like he actually got an A.

Julius: If you didn't want him to have pancakes, what you give 'em to him for?

Rochelle: For him to feel guilty and confess. But that's OK. Tomorrow I got something for him.

Julius: Baby, let's talk about this. C'mon.

Rochelle: Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why don't you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?

Julius: Rochelle, those are your friends! We were just talkin' about the soaps! Are you jealous?

Rochelle: Hell yeah! Damn skippy! How would you feel if you came home and I was sittin' there talkin' to a bunch of your friends about football?

Julius: You like football?

Rochelle: No, I don't like football! Julius, you always wanna talk to me about bills or the kids. I just think it would be nice to talk about something else, for a change.

Julius: You wanna talk about the gout?

Rochelle: NO! I don't wanna talk about the gout!

Greg: You're definitely not in there.

Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.

Caruso: Rest in peace, Toby.

Drew: Hey, Chris, can I borrow your comic books?

Julius: That's a $2 pair underwear you're messin' in.

Announcer: [cut to Rochelle] Will Rochelle find out about Chris' actual grade? [cut to Chris] How long will Chris be able to keep up this lie? [cut to Julius] Will Julius ever get rid of the gout? [cut to Tonya] Will Tonya ask Chris more math questions? [cut to Drew] Will Drew get any lines? Find out this and more when "Everybody Hates Chris" returns.

Narrator: I know you're probably wondering: "What is the gout?".

Doctor: Well, gout, or "the gout", as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. It's caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops...

Julius: Needs some salt.

Doctor: Smothered chicken-fried bacon...

Julius: Needs some salt.

Doctor: And smothered chicken-fried bananas.

Julius: [tries a banana] Not bad. Needs salt.

Doctor: Are you out your damn mind?

Narrator: I could get good grades just by talking about Dr. Martin Luther King. [Cutaway to the final part of Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech, then to Chris' English class] In English...

Chris: My book report is on Dr. Martin Luther King.

[Cutaway to history classroom]

Narrator: In history...

Chris: My history report is on the Birmingham bus boycott led by Dr. Martin Luther King.

[Cutaway to math classroom]

Narrator: The only place Martin Luther King didn't work, was math.

Ms. Morello: Chris, what's the square root of 144?

Chris: [Pause] 1963? The same year that Martin Luther King led the march on Washington?

Narrator: To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.

Julius: Let me in.

Rochelle: No. You smell.

Julius: That is the smell of a working man.

Rochelle: No, that is the smell of Aquaman.

Julius: Rochelle, open the door.

Rochelle: No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!

Narrator: [in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!

Julius: What you want me to do?

Rochelle: Quit!

Julius: I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?

Rochelle: I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!

Julius: What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?

Drew: We don't wanna go nowhere with you.

Tonya: Yeah, Daddy! You stink!

[Rochelle drops a bag of clean clothes down to Julius]

Julius: What's this?

Rochelle: Clean clothes.

Julius: Where am I supposed to change?

Rochelle: I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?

[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]

Caruso: Silly Negro.

Narrator: You know what? I think it's time for this silly Negro to get out of this school.

Narrator: That day I realized that no matter what school I went to, things were gonna be rough. But, as long as I had Greg, things were gonna be all right.

Narrator: It's been a year since my mom sent me to Corleone Junior High for a better education.

White kid: Jerk!

Narrator: Oh, I was gettin' a better education, all right: an education in misery! I was tired of my classes.

[Cutaway]

Ms. Morello: Inga-binga-binga-bunga. Chris, what tribe are you from?

Chris: I don't know.

Narrator: I still struggled to get sleep.

[Cutaway]

Chris: Goodnight, momma.

Rochelle: Goodnight, baby. [switches the light off and back on again] Chris! Get your butt up! It's time to go to school!

Chris: Rrrghhh!

Narrator: And worst of all, everybody hated me. The kids hated me. The teachers hated me. Even the lunch ladies hated me. [Chris gets chased by white kids, teachers and lunch ladies] But, the only good thing that happened to me at Corleone was meetin' Greg.

Rochelle: You remember that girl who got stabbed last year at Marla Gibbs High School. Chris, Sanford has nothing but juvenile delinquents and future convicts.

Rochelle: [to Julius] We'll look for other schools... and we'll look for other soap. You stink!

Chris: [singing] I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie, to the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock it to the bang, bang, boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!

Old school teacher: Next!

Chris: Ah wh---

Narrator: Back at Corleone, like Kunta Kinte, I was waiting for my freedom papers.

Narrator: "Mmm" meant she was gonna blame him for the rest of his life.

[Cutaway]'[Time Card Reads 2028]

Old Rochelle: Asleep again, huh? That's how Chris broke Drew's hand.

Old Julius: Rochelle, that was 45 years ago.

Old Rochelle: Mm-hmm.

Narrator: For free my father would let me learn almost anything.

Julius: What are you doing?

Chris: Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.

Julius: How much does it cost?

Chris: It's free.

Julius: Go ahead.

Chris: So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?

Mr. Jackson: You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?

Chris: Uh, no.

Mr. Jackson: That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.

Narrator: My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again. Unfortunately he couldn't find it either.

Julius: Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat?

[Rochelle drops the magazine in front of Julius]

Rochelle: Miss June has one.

Narrator: I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality!

Narrator: When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things. I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.

[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]

Narrator: I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.

[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]

Barber: Next!

Narrator: I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.

[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]

Narrator: My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Tonya: Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?

Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?

[Cutaway]

Drew: Hey Mom, what time is it?

Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.

[Cutaway]

Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?

Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.

Narrator: My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.

Boy: It's for my uncle.

Risky: Here. Don't drink it all at once.

Narrator: He'd get you cigarettes.

Girl: It's for my mother.

Risky: Here. Don't smoke 'em all at once.

Narrator: He could even get you plutonium.

Man: It's for my daughter.

Risky: Do not use this all at once.

Narrator: Who knew you could make money off of naked women?

Rochelle: Chris, where did you get a Playboy from anyway?

[Julius gives Chris a look]

Narrator: That look means, "Boy, I know I never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's my Playboy!"

[Chris tries to buy Playboy and gum]

Narrator: The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.

Store clerk: $3.50.

[Chris pays, and the store clerk takes away the Playboy]

Store clerk: Now get out of here before I call a cop.

Chris: For what?! You just robbed me, this one cost me 50 cents.

Store clerk: Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?

Narrator: Hey, Miss June was fine, but she wasn't worth goin' to jail.

Rochelle: Chris, go get your father's crazy glue.

Narrator: If we didn't have crazy glue, this is what would happen to our house. (Cutaway to a house falling down)

Narrator: My brother, Drew, wasn't scared of anything; but after he saw The Fly, he was terrified of spiders. (Drew starts patting all over himself to see if there was a spider, then he starts getting crazy, patting himself, and shrieking) I wouldn't tell you what happened after he saw Urban Cowboy.

Narrator: Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender. He always committed crimes. He always got caught. And he always got out. When "Shawshank Redemption" came out, Malvo thought it was a comedy.

Narrator: The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.

Rochelle: I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?

Julius: A loom.

Rochelle: What is that?

Julius: A stove.

Rochelle: If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?

Julius: A rickshaw. That's Rick.

Malvo: Chris, when I get out, I'm comin' after you. Y-O-O.

Doc: They... they let you out?

Malvo: Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.

Narrator: That's like letting the Devil outta Hell.

Caruso: Hey Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.

Chris: Yeah? So?

Caruso: I got a movie for you: a comedy. [hands Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover]

Chris: "Birth of A Nation"?

Caruso: It's hilarious. You'll love it!

Chris: Man, you didn't even have a real gun?

Malvo: It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they got guns!

Narrator: [Julius is getting ready to sit down to a bowl of popcorn, a few cases of beer, and to watch "The Young & The Restless".] While I was hoping I'd never see Malvo again, my father couldn't wait to see "The Young & The Restless" again.

Julius: Here we go. [He hits the play button on the remote to the Betamax.]

Woman: Stay tuned for "The Young & The Restless."

Julius: [He picks up a beer, but before he can drink his beer, he ends up seeing a cartoon, with which Tonya has erased "The Young & The Restless". He puts his beer down.][to the camera; raising his voice] What the... ? Cartoons?!?!? Who recording cartoons over my "Young & The Restless"?!?!?

Principal Edwards: Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.

Chris: But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?

Principal Edwards: You're helping yourself.

Narrator: Spoken like a true white man.

Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?

Chris: 'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!

Caruso: That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.

Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.

Caruso: See?

Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!

Narrator: The next year Drew got a Yankees jersey that said "Mezzie Mackson."

Narrator: My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.

Julius: I'm really disappointed in you.

[Tonya is dressed as a geisha]

Tonya: Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]

Julius: Tonya, no!

Tonya: Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]

Narrator: As class president, I thought things would change for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Rochelle: Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.

Tonya: You promise you won't yell?

Rochelle: I won't yell.

Tonya: I took your earrings, and I lost one.

Rochelle: DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!

Tonya: You promised you wouldn't yell!

Narrator: I've been fallin' for that one for years.

Rochelle: Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

Narrator: Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from 5.

Rochelle: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Imma let you're father handle this.

Julius: You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator: My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris: Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius: You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya: Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius: You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew: Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius: You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Narrator: To get back to Brooklyn, it felt like we went around the entire city. We went through Chinatown, the meatpacking district... we even went through theatre district. The only place we didn't go through was our school district.

Chris: [speaking in front of the class] To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter, and went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims ever ate. And in their appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So, on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.

Narrator: Even before video, Drew learned the secret to being a good singer was to not sing at all.

Narrator: (as Drew sings poorly in the bathroom) Holy Ralph Tresvant!

Narrator: As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.

Julius: Nooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)

Narrator: That's 9 cent worth of salt.

Narrator: Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Old Woman: Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew: If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Narrator: Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.

Tonya: (Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!

Rochelle: (Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)

Chris: [speaking in front of the class] Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now, if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing that little white girl around, he would still be alive to this very day.

Narrator: At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!

Narrator: Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle: Boy, is that a baby?

Drew: No, that's a football.

Rochelle: Is that a baby?

Tonya: No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle: Is that a baby?

Chris: No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator: I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

Jennifer: You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!

Narrator: 20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

Narrator: It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.

Kill Moves: You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?

Mr. Omar: Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.

Woman: [off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!

Mr. Omar: Gotta go.

Risky: Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

(Turns off the TV)

Drew: I was watching that!

Julius: I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.

(Turns off Tanya's radio)

Tanya: I was listening to that!

Julius: I heard it. The baby ain't his.

Narrator: Got that right!

Jerome: [about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

Narrator: The only thing I could do: Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.

Narrator: Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.

Chris: [as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.

Narrator: I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.

Chris: [as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

Narrator: I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.

Chris: [as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.

Ms. Morello: To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.

Chris: They've always hated me.

Ms. Morello: True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

Narrator: And because I'm black.

Narrator: When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.

Narrator: Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]

Rochelle: So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!

Narrator: At the fire station, it was Betty.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]

Rochelle: That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!

Narrator: And at NASA, it was Belinda.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]

Rochelle: Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?

Narrator: And at the office, it was Charmaine.

Rochelle: And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.

Narrator: Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey, and nothing could wind him up faster than Tonya.

Narrator: Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

Mr. Newton: [to Caruso] You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.

Rochelle: I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.

Narrator: That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.

[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]

Rochelle: You better not hit that girl!

[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]

Mr. Newton: This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.

Chris: Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.

Caruso: Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

Mr. Newton: You! You did this to me!

Chris: I didn't know you were gonna get shot.

Mr. Newton: You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

Rochelle: You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has a fifth-grade reading level. You should be embarrassed that he's 27! He should be reading "War and Peace," not "Horton Hears a Who!"

Narrator: Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.

Rochelle: [to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

Rochelle: Who you gonna call?

Narrator: That was a bigger fire hazard than pyrotechnics at a Great White concert.

James: It was the beast of times. It was the roast of times.

Rochelle: I mean, my God, boy, did you eat a bowl of lead paint for breakfast? Go on and sit down and let one of these other illiterates take a crack at it.

Narrator: Because I was planning on cutting school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention.

Greg: I was up all night packing for everything you might need. I've got peanut butter sandwiches in case we get hungry, I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky from the peanut butter sandwiches, I brought a compass in case we get lost, some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin, a travelling toothbrush...

Narrator: My biggest worry at this time was that the cops would think I was chasin' Greg.

Narrator: While we were cutting class, Greg was sweatin' like Lil' Kim in Sunday school.

[Chris tells the ticket salesman it is a black holiday at his school, and thus they are not at school]

Ticket Seller: What are you doing here?

Greg: I'm an octoroon.

Narrator: In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.

Rochelle: [to a bunch of girls who are wearing hoop earrings] What are y'all laughin' at with your hoop earrings on? Let's see if your mother's gigglin' when you bringin' home babies. Who's laughin' now, huh? It ain't funny no more, is it?

DMV Clerk: I guess you're just gonna have to wait. And don't bang on this door again.

Narrator: She's lucky he didn't bang on her head!

DMV Clerk: The speed limit in a school zone is 25, not 50.

Narrator: Not if he's late.

Narrator: Back at the DMV, my father was DOA.

Julius: A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.

Narrator: My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.

White Meter Maid: Your meter's only got a minute left.

Julius: When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.

Rochelle: Baby, you almost outta gas.

Julius: When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.

[Rochelle is giving birth]

White Doctor: Push! Push!

Rochelle: Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!

White Doctor: Push!

Julius: When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.

Rochelle: Boy, don't you know you are too big for a coloring book? White kids your age are buildin' sculptures by now and you over there tryin' to stay inside the lines. Come on, Picasso, get to chippin'. Come on, chip on. Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

Narrator: In 1985, crime was on the rise everywhere, and when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere.

Rochelle: You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!

Julius: I am not Batman.

[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]

Julius: I'm Batman.

Rochelle: Julius, I need to know the truth.

[Cutaway to Julius paroding Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men]

Julius: You can't handle the truth!

Narrator: I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.

Malvo: I got a question for you, boy. What is today?

Chris: Uh, Wednesday?

Malvo: Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.

Narrator: Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.

Narrator: If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.

Harriet Tubman: Is you runnin' to the north?

Chris: No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.

Harriet Tubman: Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!

Julius: [about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.

Rochelle: Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?

Julius: That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.

Rochelle: Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?

Narrator: Everybody had a gold chain, and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe: not young people, not old people, not even dead people.

Narrator: For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.

Vanessa: Turns out he had a whole other family.

Narrator: That's all my mother needed to hear.

[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]

Rochelle: Your credit card. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it! Oh, and you know what else it says, Julius? It says "card holder since 1970." That means that for 15 years, you've been hidin' this from me!

Woman #1: My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!

Woman #2: My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.

Rochelle: And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]

Pam: You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.

Rochelle: I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?

Narrator: Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?

[after Greg finds out about Chris' stage name]

Greg: Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?

Chris: It's a black thing.

Narrator: Just as everyone else was scared by "The Exorcist," my father was scared by another movie: Night of the Lepus.

Narrator: [about Jerome] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough, but was never allowed to rap.

White Cop: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.

Narrator: The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.

Monk: Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.

Jerome: Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.

Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!

Risky: Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?

Kill Moves: Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?

Narrator: My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.

Rochelle: There's my lipstick.

Narrator: She lost big things.

Rochelle: There's that skillet.

Narrator: She lost great big things.

Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.

Narrator: And things she didn't know how she lost.

Rochelle: There's my purse.

Narrator: They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.

Monk: I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.

Chris: Why not?

Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quảng Ngãi Province.

Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?

Narrator: Nope, Queens.

Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.

Narrator: 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

Narrator: Tonya loved Billy Ocean, so naturally, she joined the Billy Ocean fan club and sent off for an autographed picture. But it wasn't the first fan club she joined. There was the DeBarge fan club, the Shalamar fan club, even the Terence Trent D'Arby fan club. Too bad they were bought out by the Al B. Sure fan club.

Narrator: If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.

Adult Tasha: [narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.

Tasha: So I'll see you later?

Chris: Um, yeah. OK.

Narrator: While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...

Adult Tasha: [narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.

Vanessa: [about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.

Narrator: Everything means nothing but dinner.

Narrator: I thought about one girl so much when I was 16, I forgot I was 30.

Michael: Rochelle, what are you doin' out here, sneakin' up on people? You coulda caused me to have a heart attack!

Narrator: Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.

Narrator: I found out one thing in life: If you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. Now, if you really want 'em to laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.

Narrator: While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...

Chris: So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."

Narrator: I told one about the two guys on the bridge...

Chris: And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."

Narrator: And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.

Chris: So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Jerome: Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?

Mr. Abbott: [to Chris] According to your test results, you put the "upid" in "stupid."

Mr. Abbott: Do you know how many broke people went to college?

Chris: Not really.

Narrator: Even while wearing a diaper, Greg could still run like the wind. The smelly wind.

Rochelle: I had a dream. Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think, "Wow, hey, that could've been me." Yeah, I could've done a lot of things. I could've won a Pulitzer Prize.

Narrator (CR): If she only learned to Pulitzer.

Rochelle: I could've been a Poet Laureate.

Narrator(CR): That don't rhyme!

Rochelle: You know what? I even could've won a Cy Young Award.

Narrator: If she could only throw a knuckleball.

Rochelle: But instead I decided to raise your family.

Rochelle: Look, Chris, I don't know what you're gonna do with your life. You may go to college, you may not. But know whatever you do, you're gonna be good at it. 'Cause I'll have no grown man sleepin' at my house.

Greg: I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.

Mr. Abbott: A diaper? You mean, you wanna fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?

Greg: Well, they don't make you do it, but I wanted to see if I could take it.

Narrator: My father loved thrift stores because you could trade in your old clothes for some new old clothes.

Julius: Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.

Rochelle: I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.

Narrator: He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.

Mr. Abbott: [as Greg is about to go into his office wearing a dirty diaper] Nope, nope, nope. Get outta here, Funky Brewster.

Chris: Can you help me?

Mr. Abbott: Well, unless they hire Big Bird, I'm gonna have to.

Mr. Abbott: You can learn anywhere, Chris. You can learn by reading a fortune cookie. If you get hit by a truck, you learn not to walk out into traffic. If you smack Mike Tyson, you learn that you are gonna get your ass whupped.

Yao: I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.

Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?

Yao: What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?

Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.

Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.

Chris: I don't like watermelon.

Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.

Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.

Yao: I don't run a dry cleaners.

Narrator: I bet you like rice!

Yao: Either I pass my math class or it's your ass.

Narrator: I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.

Caruso: Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?

Yao: Why don't you ask your mother?

Narrator: Back on my dad's secret job, he didn't know it, but the shipment was about to hit the fan.

Narrator: Caruso had made my life a livin' hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away. Not a 104-degree fever... [Caruso punches Chris in the face and sneezes] ...and not even a national summer holiday.

[Caruso arrives at Chris' door dressed as Uncle Sam]

Caruso: Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]

Narrator: [The Teacher gives to Caruso a report card] When he got a F on his paper.

Caruso: F. [punching Chris in the face]

Rochelle: You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

Narrator: My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.

Chris: Every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watchin' super-TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus.

Narrator: My mom had her own style of driving: The Fast and the Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.

Narrator: While my mother was out challenging the law, I was breaking it.

Narrator: I was supposed to park across the street, but now I'm on the highway to hell.

Greg: What are you doing?

Chris: Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.

Narrator: Or to the other side of the borough.

White Girl: Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?

Chris: Sure, why not?

Narrator: Because they're underage.

Greg: What's wrong?

Chris: Everything.

Narrator: I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

Narrator: If Greg was here, he'd say I was in there.

Narrator: When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

Chris: Hey Dad, can I drive?

Narrator: And he always said the same thing.

Julius: Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

Narrator: He coulda just said no.

Julius: Don't go burnin' up gas.

Chris: I'm just moving the car across the street.

Julius: That's three cents' worth of gas.

Narrator: After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

Chris: Dad?

Julius: Yeah, son?

Chris: I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.

Julius: You what?

Chris: I'm sorry. I really am.

Julius: Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.

Chris: Thanks, Dad.

Julius: But one more thing...

Chris: Yes, Dad?

[Julius throws Chris out the window]

Narrator: Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.

Narrator: Not only did I learn Spanish, I also learned about a whole new world. A world that, ironically, wasn't too different from the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves, a Puerto Rican Doc, a Puerto Rican Risky, and even a Puerto Rican Jerome.

Manny: Go talk to Kill Moves, 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.

Julius: What do you hear, Kill Moves?

Kill Moves: Four riders, two on ponies.

Julius: No! About my place gettin' robbed.

Kill Moves: I didn't hear anything about that, but don't say I didn't warn you about the comin' Indian attack.

Julius: They took my meat! All of it! Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna!

Narrator: If they stole that stuff earlier, maybe he wouldn't have the gout.

Greg: Here's a couple books on dog training.

Chris: You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?

Greg: I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.

Narrator: That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

Carlos: This dog is a lover, not a fighter.

Narrator: In fact, Blackie was such a lover, we have to go to commercial right now.

Narrator: All I knew about Mr. Omar was he liked dead men and live women.

Narrator: Now all I need is six white girls and a monkey.

Yao: I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven. Either I pass it, or it's your ass.

Narrator: It's not my ass's fault you suck at math.

Narrator: A little butter and onions and Tonya would make a nice side dish.

Chris: What time is it?

Mr. Omar: 8:45.

Narrator: 8:45 was a quarter past late as hell.

Ms. Morello: Your Tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.

Narrator: Tonya went from healthy kid to guinea pig.

Rochelle: Freeze! 'Cause I ain't raisin' no babies!

Narrator: Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Jerome: Put the tape on, little dude.

Narrator: Get outta here, big dude.

Rochelle: Is this remedy of yours gonna work?

Julius: Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great-grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.

Narrator: My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...

Julius: Baking soda and a pomegranate.

Narrator: If you were nauseous...

Julius: Catfish and grape jelly.

Narrator: If you were blind...

Julius: A tin cup and a white cane.

Narrator: Hey, he couldn't cure everything.

Narrator: After my mother got through with me, Tonya, and Mr. Omar, I realized that having privacy and being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be. But at least she didn't find out about Tasha.

Mr. Omar: There's some videos over there you're welcome to watch. I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki a.k.a. Death, Japanese Style.

Chris: Cool, thanks.

Narrator: Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Greg: You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.

Narrator: I could.

[Greg is then seen alone and crying as "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen plays]

Chris: Guess I am in there.

Greg: You're so in there, we'd have to send a search party to find you.

Ms. Morello: All men are created equal, especially if they're on CP Time.

Councilman Lamar Johnson: I mean, why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when I'm tryin' to get reelected?

Rochelle: What? You worried about bein' reelected when my son is out there about to be snipped to death by a scissor killer! Is that what you sayin' to me?!

Councilman Lamar Johnson: Uh, n-no, no.

Narrator: Yes!

Councilman Lamar Johnson: I'm sayin', what would people think if I'm allowin' a serial killer to roam the neighborhood?!

Narrator: I hadn't seen spin like that since Usher battled Omarion.

Narrator: Did I just get mugged from a window?

Narrator: After my mother set me straight, I had to set the story straight.

Ms. Morello: You made it up?

Chris: Well, I'm sorry. I was just giving the people what they want.

Lisa: Oh, this is just great. All the real killers running around Bed-Stuy, and you had to make one up. That's just lazy. What else did you make up? Is your real name Chris? Are you even black? Who knows?

Doc: I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.

Narrator: Both of 'em.

Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.

Narrator: Now we're up to three.

Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.

Narrator: OK, we're back at two.

Narrator: Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything black.

Ms. Morello: Lisa's right. This isn't good.

Chris: What's wrong with it?

Ms. Morello: Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields, his furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?

Chris: I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.

Ms. Morello: Oh, right. I want to read about the real black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Superfly, The Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!

Narrator: Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head!

Mr. Omar: With Himelfarb in office, everything will fall naturally into place.

Rochelle: OVER MY DEAD BODY!

Mr. Omar: That would be tragic, but if it were to happen, you can rest assured I'll give Mr. Julius a nice discount.

Narrator: When I turned in my story, Lisa read me the riot act.

Lisa: You call yourself a writer? This is the worst story I've ever read. I just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Do you know how many trees died for you to write this? You're destroying the ozone layer. People are gonna get cancer.

Chris: OK, OK. I get it. So, what's wrong with it?

Lisa: Everything. I mean, who wants to read about some crusty old ghetto Romeo?

Chris: Well, you told me to write about something I know, and I know this guy.

Lisa: Well, if this is the best you can do, maybe you should think about doing something else.

Narrator: Like the Chess Club?

Mr. Omar: What kinda councilman got people campaignin' for him hollerin' outta windows? Vote for Himelfarb!

Rochelle: How you gonna vote for somebody if you can't even spell their name?! Vote Johnson!

Narrator: For most of my life, I'd never had a friend stay over at my house.

Greg: If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.

Rochelle: Come, eat.

Narrator: Help! My mother's possessed by a nice lady!

Rochelle: Now, wait a minute. You know we say grace every night.

Chris: No we don't.

Rochelle: Yes we do. Shut up and bless the food.

Narrator: If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mom was gonna send me to thank Him in person!

Narrator: Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was stayin' over or takin' over.

Chris: You wearin' Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15!

Greg: I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [in a robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

Narrator: He should pray for some self-esteem!

Narrator: Greg was drivin' me up the wall and my dad was about to get taken for a ride.

Julius: Where to?

Eddie: Las Vegas.

Julius: Seriously, man, where to?

Eddie: Las Vegas, Nevada.

Julius: Man, you crazy. Get outta my cab!

Eddie: Hey, no, seriously, brother, I really need to get to Las Vegas.

Julius: Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!

Eddie: Would you take me to Las Vegas for $1000?

Narrator: For $1000, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.

Narrator: While my father set off for Sin City, I showed Greg around the original Sin City, Bed-Stuy.

Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cuttin' your hair, man, sparks start flyin' everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will NOT be sued by white people!

Narrator: By 1986, I'd been workin' at Doc's for three years. Outside of gettin' robbed four times, sick on the pickles three times, and a double hernia, it was the single greatest job I ever had.

Doc: Minimum wage. Shoot. There was a time when the maximum wage for black folks was zero.

Narrator: I decided on an ultimatum.

Chris: Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not gonna give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave. It's a matter of principles.

Doc: Is that an ultimatum?

Narrator: Well, is it?

Chris: Yeah.

White Boy: Sir, are you hiring?

Doc: Well, am I?

Narrator: I tried to get minimum wage while my father tried to get minimum sleep.

Narrator: If I developed a drug problem, my next job might be President.

Rochelle: Girl, I am so excited! So, what styles do you have in mind?

Vanessa: Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.

Narrator: My mother imagined herself in the Eiffel Tower, the helicopter, and the black smacker.

Narrator: While my mother got a dye job, I went to get a job-job.

Narrator: This was the first restaurant in Bed-Stuy without a bulletproof window. It was the bulletproof fish place, then the bulletproof salad bar, and the bulletproof hot dog stand.

Narrator: The next day I got $3.35 worth of new job.

Mr. Fong: What are you doing?

Chris: Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.

Mr. Fong: No homework! You have work-work!

Chris: But Doc always let me start my homework.

Mr. Fong: Well, you are not at Doc's anymore! Go fix the menu numbers!

Narrator: I was gettin' minimum wage and havin' minimum fun.

Chris: Mr. Fong, can I ask you a question?

Mr. Fong: All talk and no work makes Chris unemployed.

Narrator: People found the idea of getting food delivered in Bed-Stuy unbelievable.

Doc: Delivery in Bed-Stuy. Unbelievable!

Drew: My brain froze.

Rochelle: Well, you better thaw it out!

Narrator: Delivering in Bed-Stuy was an adventure.

Julius: You just can't quit every time you don't like something. What if Miles Davis quit the trumpet?

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit Lucille? What if Paul Robeson quit "Ol' Man River?" What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit "pityin' the fool?" What if Stevie quit Wonderin'? What if Fat Albert quit the Cosby Kids? What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doin' the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit the Supremes?

Rochelle: Julius is never gonna sleep with me again and everybody's gonna think I'm...

Narrator: My mom's career as a hair model was over faster than Pacman Jones' career as a citizen.

Greg: OK, Smartypants, do I say "hi?" Do I say "hello?" Or maybe "hey?" Or even "hey, hi?" The possibilities are endless! We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.

Narrator: I know what you'll be wearing: a look of frozen terror.

Female Chef: [speaking Chinese] You look like Lionel Richie.

Narrator: About as much as you look like Yoko Ono.

Narrator: No matter what I did, it seemed like I was supposed to be doin' somethin' else.

Chinese Chef: [speaking Chinese] You're sweeping my foot, fool!

Narrator: When I washed the floors...

Mr. Fong: Lionel Richie, set the tables!

Narrator: When I set the tables...

Mr. Fong: Lionel! Organize the fortune cookies!

Narrator: When I organized the fortune cookies...

Mr. Fong: 5:30! Lionel Richie, go wash the dishes!

Narrator: He wouldn't talk to the real Lionel Richie like that.

Mr. Fong: He who sleeps at work wakes up with a foot in the ass.

Mr. Fong: Lionel Richie, you're back just in time for another delivery.

Chris: I'm not goin' back out there. This neighborhood is too dangerous for deliveries. You're basically sendin' me out there with a sign sayin', "Hey, I got money. Please rob me." Plus, I almost got shot.

Mr. Fong: My nephew has been shot by the Chinese army seven times.

Mr. Fong's Nephew: [speaking Chinese] In the face!

Narrator: He should stop attackin' China.

Narrator: If you listen closely, you'll learn how to say the "N" word in Chinese.

Greg: I've been having a hard time with my Mandy situation. This girl could be my future ex-wife, and I don't wanna mess it up.

Narrator: After two years at Corleone, I'd gotten used to bein' the only black kid, but it had two major downsides. One downside was I was the only black kid, and the other was I was the only black kid.

Ms. Morello: Let's celebrate the day Chris' people finally realized they were emancipated! Happy Juneteenth, Chris! [blows a party horn in Chris' face]

Narrator: I thought things would never change, but then Albert arrived.

Narrator: Cool or not, Albert and I were two of a kind.

Narrator: The only one who wasn't looking forward to Albert bein' at Corleone was Greg.

Albert: Man, I was glad to see you. When I first got here, I thought it was gonna be like my last school, where I was the only black kid. They really gave me a hard time over there! I got beat up almost every day.

Chris: Same here.

Chris: I told you I'd be back.

Greg: Yeah, but for how long, Chris? For how long?

Narrator: That concludes another episode of "As the Nerd Turns."

Ms. Morello: Chris, you must be so happy. You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.

Narrator: More like Robert Parish when Dennis Johnson showed up.

Chris: Who's Larry Doby?

Ms. Morello: He was the second black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie... and more... strapping. His strong shoulders and Nubian profile, his Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin, and the way he swung his bat.

Narrator: Forget jungle fever, she's havin' a jungle seizure!

Ms. Morello: [to Chris] After years of being alone and ostracized, you now have a soul brother! Somebody to talk jive with and to shoot dice with, to talk about being raised by MaDear with. Just seeing the two of you together would make your leaders like Dr. King and Uncle Remus proud.

Narrator: A tax refund check is like a bonus for broke people: a bonus which my mother accepted with grace and class.

Rochelle: Kiss my ass, Visa!

Narrator: Visa was actually the name of the lady who collected bills for MasterCard.

Drew: Yeah, we're tired of being consumed by this capitalistic nation's mindless consumerism.

Mr. Omar: Tragic.

Kathleen: Baby, it's so good to see you. I've been very worried.

Kill Moves: It's good to see you too, Mom.

Kathleen: How have you been?

Kill Moves: Homeless.

Kathleen: Other than that.

Kill Moves: Good. You know, watchin' my diet. I get a lotta exercise, and I don't talk to space people as much as I used to. Except for Gazoo.

Kathleen: Of course.

Kathleen: And who are you?

Chris: Oh, I'm Chris.

Kathleen: Welcome to my home, Chris.

Chris: Looks like a department store.

Kathleen: Well, this is my favorite time of year.

Vanessa: Hey, slick, if you wasn't a psychotic, homeless bum, I'd go out with you.

Kill Moves: Get in line, sister. Get in line.

Julius: What's Kwanzaa?

African Expert: Kwanzaa is celebrated for seven days after Christmas and emphasizes principles of family, community and culture. This peaceful African holiday was the great idea of Dr. Maulana Karenga. Later, one of his bad ideas led him to prison for four years for felonious assault and false imprisonment. Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed limited success, felonious assault swept the nation and continues to thrive throughout the African-American community today.

Narrator: After 15 bottles of shampoo and a Silkwood shower, our job was complete.

Greg: Edward Westermarck. He was a scientist. He concluded that when two people live together in close proximity during the early years of life, they will never become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Narrator: That means I still have a chance with Shakira.

Narrator: I thought it was bad, but then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.

Jerome: Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.

Woman: Shut up, idiot.

Jerome: I wasn't even talkin' to her.

Tasha: [seeing an X-ray of Chris' butt with Rochelle's shoe stuck in it] Is this your X-ray?

Chris: Yeah.

Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator: Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.

Narrator: Watchin' Slaver Slav, I learned the most important thing about bein' a bad boy: When it comes to girls, the meaner, the better, and whatever you do, don't be nice.

Dr. Information: Slaver Slav is the preeminent bad boy of rap, the top recording act at Setback Records. He's responsible for the hit album "I'm Smackin' and Stabbin' Somebody." At the tender age of 16, Slaver Slav was released from prison after serving 17 years for aggravated battery. This is Slaver Slav's first mugshot... [we see a mugshot of Slaver Slav as a fetus in his mother's womb] but it wasn't his last. He released his first single "Put Me in Jail Again and I'll Smack the Stank Off You" about a month later. The rest is history.

Rochelle: I'm up, OK?! Are you happy now?! I mean, what does a woman have to do to get some rest around here?! GET SHOT?

Mr. Omar: If you know of any young men who would like to learn about the wonderful world of death, this scholarship is worth $250.

Narrator: Sounds like ticket money to me!

Doctor: There are various techniques that you can use to avoid injury while delivering an ass-whupping. There's the Two-Cheek Cross, the Roundhouse Booty Buster, or my personal favorite, the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker. In the wrong hands a beating can be called child abuse, but in the right hands it could be the difference between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.

Narrator: At the Death Jubilee, I was beginnin' to realize that the BFD was a bunch of BS.

Narrator: My dad held on to money so tight, George Washington couldn't breathe.

Rochelle: [Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.

Narrator: On Mother's Day, all I could do was hope my mom didn't know the difference between Pure Voodoo and Pure Voo-don't.

Greg: Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day: macaroni pajamas.

Chris: Don't you think you're a little bit too old to be making macaroni presents?

Narrator: When Greg got engaged, he gave his fiancée a piece of rigatoni.

Narrator: The problem with going to department stores is every time a black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers or a senior citizen wearing diapers... or even one of their own.

White Security Guard: He's on the move.

Black Security Guard: What do you mean, "I'm on the move?" I work here!

White Security Guard: Sorry. Force of habit.

Narrator: You'd think it'd be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.

[Jesus appears to serve the family meatloaf]

Tonya: That smells good.

Jesus: Who wants meatloaf?

Chris: Hey Dad, what you gettin' Mom for Mother's Day?

Julius: Me? Why should I get anything? It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.

[Rochelle says that the kids always give her great Mother's Day gifts]

Narrator: I wanted to give my mother something nice because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.

Rochelle: OK, who wants pizza? [the rest of her family each grabs a slice]

Narrator: And she sacrificed on the street.

[it is cold outside]

Tonya: Thanks for your coat, Momma.

Rochelle: That's OK, baby. I like the cold.

Perfume Clerk: The perfume contains up to 20% more aromatic compounds than the eau de toilette, and is classified by the olfactive family, though it does not exist as a true, singular aromatic material, whereas the eau de toilette contains up to five to ten...

Narrator: You can see the rest of this 20-minute speech over at PerfumeNut.net.

Narrator: Mother's Day was two days away, and I was up the creek without a present.

Narrator: Choosin' to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.

[Chris is then shown in a Turkish prison, locked in ankle stocks with another prisoner, who screams in agony as an interrogator whips his feet]

Ryan: You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arrestin' people.

Narrator: But what would you call it?

Narrator: Graduatin' from Corleone was one of the best days of my life because I was surrounded by my family, and this was the one day I wasn't gonna get punched, kicked, beat down or talked about.

Rochelle: [to Mr. Perkins] Where are you gettin' this information?

Narrator: I'll tell you where he's gettin' it.

Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says.

Narrator: These weren't your everyday white kids; they were bigger, faster, and stronger. Also, they were sexier. They had sexier backs... and sexier fronts.

Narrator: Finally, I thought my troubles were over. I wasn't gonna be the only black kid on the bus, and I wasn't gonna be the only black kid at lunch. And for a change, I wasn't gonna be the only black kid in my class.

Greg: Want some cash?

Chris: You kiddin' me?

Greg: Take it, man. I can get more tomorrow.

Narrator: Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.

Rochelle: I do not need this, OK?! My man has two jobs!

Narrator: Two jobs equals one finger.

Julius: [standing on a man's car] MY BABY WANTS A JOB!

Man: Get off of my car, fool!

Ms. Morello: [overjoyed] Oh, my God! Chris!

Narrator: It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.

Tonya: [to a blond woman] Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?

Mr. Thurman: If you wanna get along with me, don't be lazy.

Narrator: Or black.

Gloria: Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl! You think I don't know I got a mole?!

Narrator: Holy moly!

Gloria: I know I got a mole!

Narrator: Does your mole know about your mustache?

Vanessa: Wha-? Gloria, wait a minute!

[Gloria snaps her fingers at her]

Vanessa: [stares at Tonya for a moment] Tonya?

Tonya: What?...

Narrator: While I talked my way into a job, Tonya talked her way out of one.

Vanessa: You gotta fire Tonya.

Rochelle: Vanessa, let me talk to her first!

Vanessa: Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losin' more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Narrator: Ah salaam a-lick-'em!

Vanessa: She broke up 2 marriages, she outed her drama's uncle and she told Gloria 'bout her mole.

Rochelle: She told Gloria about her mole?...

Narrator: Oh lord, not the mole!

Vanessa: Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.

Rochelle: She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?

Vanessa: She didn't have to.

Rochelle: Oh...well Vanessa...!

Vanessa:[mocking voice] Rochelle! Either you fire her, or I'm gonna have to fire you.

Narrator: While my future was lookin' up, Tonya's was goin' down the drain.

Dr. Information: Around 1986, a new trend emerged called androgyny. Inspired by the looks of personalities such as Boy George, Prince, Grace Jones and Attorney General Janet Reno, gender benders, as they were also called, stretched the perceptions of what it meant to be male or female.

Drew: Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.

Narrator: Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Dr. Clint Huckstable: Now you know what it's like to come into your home and not believe what the eyes are seein' because your daughter is boo-hooin', sheddin' the tears.

Rochelle: Who the hell are you?

Dr. Clint Huckstable: I am Dr. Clint Huckstable, and I am the father of the daughter sheddin' all the tears because the son of the mother from Bed-Stuy... stood her up at the Tattaglia-talia public school homecomin' dance.

Walter Dickerson: I don't know why we need to learn about history, anyway. What difference does it make who won World War III? It's over. The Japanese won, and now we have Walkmans.

Narrator: Thank God Italy won World War IV and we got pizza.

Narrator: When Dickerson said, "My man," it was like bein' vice president.

Julius: Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall outta the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown, and you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. You could be smokin' a cigarette and blow up while siphonin' 65 cents' worth of gas, and you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...

Rochelle: OK, OK, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!

Narrator: At school, things were gettin' ugly, but to my father, life was beautiful.

Narrator: If you keepin' score, that's happy: zero, my mother: one.

Mr. Thurman: Do I have black sunglasses and a piano?

Narrator: Actually, he did.

Mr. Omar: Don't you already have two jobs? You want another one?

Narrator: That's like asking Amy Winehouse if she wants another drink.

Priest: Are you Christopher?

Chris: Yeah.

Priest: Dickerson said you can get the Devil out of this little girl. [we see a possessed girl next to him]

Narrator: When Stacy said I had to work for her, she meant it. I had to go for groceries, get her dry cleaning, and mine her coal.

Narrator: I was happy Doc had a girlfriend. Too bad I have to kill her.

Narrator: While I wanted less attention from my boss, Tonya wanted more attention from boys.

Chris: If I don't have a woman by the time I'm 60...

Narrator: I'll kill myself.

Narrator: I was like Cupid's retarded little brother. Damn, I'm good.

Stacy: It is the same thing over and over again, and Stacy is tired of it! Stacy is not a fool! When Stacy smells smoke, Stacy doesn't stand around and wait for the fire! Stacy is leaving!

Narrator: Referrin' to yourself in the third person. It ain't just for athletes no more.

Doc: Get that bottle of whisky for me.

Narrator: At least he didn't ask me for a box of tissues.

Narrator: While Doc was feedin' the bums, losin' Stacy was eatin' him up.

Narrator: Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weekends, which was all I ever wanted. Doc said he was gettin' another cashier. Whoever it was, they'd have to be better than Stacy.

Mr. Fong: Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late! Get busy! Scrub floor!

Stacy: No matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings, you have to tell the truth. She may hate you, burn down your house, pour bleach on your clothes, attack your new girlfriend with ants or take every dime you make. She may scratch your car with a rake or use your home phone to call China long-distance. She could put milk and detergent in your gas tank or put turpentine and nail polish remover and itching powder in your underwear. [2 hours later] She may glue your private parts to your leg or send an assassination threat to the President with your return address.

Narrator: Believe it or not, Doc's girlfriend was the second-worst boss I've had. Mr. Fong was the worst, and I could only imagine how hard it would be workin' for him again.

Mr. Fong: Hey, quit imagining what it would be like to work for me and get back to work, Lionel Richie.

Drew: I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie. And if she was 13, I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.

Narrator: You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Greg: Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution. The rest is up to you.

Narrator: After The Last Dragon, karate became more popular in the ghetto than poverty. Everybody was doin' it. Boys were doin' karate, girls were doin' it, even old people were doin' it.

Narrator: The idle sister is the Devil's workshop.

Julius: Why is it always my responsibility to make sure the anniversary is good while you get to sit back and complain? I spent money on dinner, tickets, a hotel, and what do I get? $250 worth of angry stare.

Narrator: Nowadays, that stare costs over a thousand.

Chris: What you think I am, a snitch?

Narrator: Yes!

Rochelle: Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.

Narrator: Translation: You blew it once, don't make it happen again.

Julius: We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets to celebrate our anniversary.

Narrator: Sidney Poitier had nothing on my father's actin' abilities.

Award Presenter: And the award for "Best Husband Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset About Losing His Money" goes to... Julius!

Chris: [about watching Drew and Tonya] Ma, I can do it. I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.

Award Presenter: And the award for "Best Kid Pretending Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary When He Really Wants To Get Out Of The House So He Can Sneak Out And Do Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing" goes to... Chris!

Vanessa: I was married once. For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game. I broke up with him at halftime.

Narrator: In every city, people had disasters they had to survive. In Miami they had hurricanes, in San Francisco they had earthquakes, and in New York we had blackouts.

Chris: Do you think I stole something?

Mr. Levine: No, I'm just a freaky old man who likes to see the inside of pockets.

Drew: Where were you, Chris?

Narrator: With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.

Narrator: While havin' a sidekick was gettin' old, my mom was feelin' young.

Mr. Levine: What are you, a Good Samaritan?

Narrator: In Brooklyn, bein' nice only aroused suspicion.

Rochelle: [to Peaches, about her leopard-skin jacket] So, what do you think?

Narrator: I think a leopard cub is missin' his mommy.

Narrator: Back at school, Greg was doin' more wardrobe changes than Beyoncé in concert.

Narrator: The only thing scarier than a man almost dyin' was the man who had almost killed him.

Mr. Levine: Next time you wanna do me a favor, do me a favor... don't.

Greg: I thought I didn't have a personality of my own, but you don't.

Narrator: Yay! We both suck!

Mr. Levine: Used to be an ice cream stand there.

Chris: Oh, that's where they sell crack now.

Mr. Levine: That's where Jerry and Becky Rosenthal got married.

Chris: Yeah. Now that's where Petey Pete got Tisha-T pregnant.

Mr. Levine: That's where Jacob Cohen got shot 30 years ago.

Chris: Oh. That's where this guy is about to get shot right now.

Woman with Gun: Eat lead! [shoots a guy]

Chris: Mr. Levine, it's me, Chris! Let me in! LET ME IN!!

Mr. Levine: Hey, hey, hey! Last time I let you in, I went to the hospital, almost got shipped to the farm... but you did me a favor, I saw my daughter, and me and Doc patched it up. You happy? Now, beat it!

Narrator: And with that, Mr. Levine taught me everything I needed to know about white people.

Narrator: In professional sports, the best athletes get a sneaker contract.

Narrator: While Tonya tried to get into Drew's group, my mom tried to get into a pair of jeans. [Rochelle tries hard to put on a pair of jeans] She sweated less during childbirth.

Narrator: I was hopin' to get a varsity letter, but I was afraid I would get three of them: D.O.A.

Referee: The Tessio Tigers do not have a wrestler to compete in this weight class, and therefore, the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish win by default!

Coach Brantley: Look at you with your win by forfeit, huh? You're just one step away from getting that varsity letter.

Narrator: I'm glad my neck still works.

Rochelle: I made extra if anybody wants seconds.

Narrator: Nobody wanted firsts.

Narrator: The only one who was eatin' instead of drinkin' was my father.

Narrator: What difference could a pound make? None, unless I could fight somebody. [Chris gets beat down] Not even Don King could fix that match.

Coach Brantley: I could give you a letter, but you get "L" for loser.

Julius: You eatin' a Slopper?

Rochelle: You want a bite?

Tonya: I'm takin' the girls and startin' my own group.

Narrator: Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Julius: So I've been spendin' money on shakes while you've been wastin' money on food?!

Narrator: Only my father would think food was a waste of money.

Everyone: Yes.

Julius: I work two jobs and you let me leave the house with nothin' on my stomach but a fish juice shake?!

Narrator: Not cool unless your husband's a shark.

Julius: If this is how you do it and you tryin' to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.

Narrator: That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris: Rice, rice, rice. Do you think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives till I can't gives no more.

Ms. Morello: Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Chris: Is he smart?

Ms. Morello: Chris, he's Asian. If you could turn his smart into black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Chris: Cool.

Narrator: If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

Drew: Aren't you gonna do something?

Princess Latifah: Why don't you do something?

Drew: 'Cause I'm the one auditioning you.

Princess Latifah: No one talks to Princess Latifah like that! Next!

Narrator: While Drew was takin' his first step towards the charts, I was makin' my first step toward the mat.

Coach Brantley: Since this is your first day on the mat, I'm gonna walk you through some moves. You watch wrestling on TV?

Chris: All the time. Hulk Hogan, André the Giant, the Iron Sheik. I love all those guys.

Coach Brantley: It's too bad, 'cause all that crap is fake.

Chris: They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle: Isn't that an insult?

Julius: I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator: At Hansel and Gretel, my mother laid down the law like the Big Bad Wolf.

Narrator: While everyone else took the test, I took out the answers, and after the test results were in, I got called out.

Ms. Morello: Oh, Chris, I just never would have expected this out of you. I just don't see how you could do this.

Narrator: When you're about to go down for a crime, everybody knows it's best to throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Chris: Ms. Morello, I can explain. This test meant a lot to my mother.

Ms. Morello: I bet it did, and she must be proud of you. A perfect score on the PSAT test? That's unheard of in the history of this school! You're like a little chocolate Einstein!

Narrator: More like chocolate Pinocchio.

Narrator: The teams were all white, but unfortunately for them, the questions were all black.

Rochelle: Just because you do summer in the Vineyard, and you go swimmin' in the Inkpen, and you play the violin instead of the funky bass, and you eat those, all those stupid finger foods, does NOT make you better than somebody, OK!? My son is a good kid, and my husband is innocent! So, you know what? You can take your little Hansel and Gretel and you can shove it up your...

Judge Watkins: Lady, you're out of order!

Rochelle: NO!!! You're out of order! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!! THIS WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!!!

Judge Watkins: Get her out of here! GET HER OUT OF HERE!

Rochelle: Attica! ATTICA!!

Ms. Morello: I'm sorry, but Chris, you're back in your regular classes as of next week, and...

Chris: Yeah, I know. Detention.

Ms. Morello: No, that would be too easy. I'm making you stay on the Academic Scholastathon Team, and as your punishment, you can go on losing along with them. Listen, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.

Narrator: Too late!

Ms. Morello: [to Judge Watkins] And I don't know who you are, but I love a black man in a suit. Call me!

Rochelle: Boy, I oughta knock you into subspace.

Chris: Isn't that ridiculous?

Store Clerk: You're under arrest!

Julius: What!? What am I under arrest for?

Store Clerk: 30 unpaid parking tickets from 1982!

Julius: Parkin' tickets?!

Store Clerk: Yeah, maybe next time you'll think twice before you try to cheat New York City out of a QUARTER!

Narrator: Before Cops was a show on TV, I saw cops chasing criminals every day in Bed-Stuy.

Narrator: Even though I hid the weed, I couldn't hide the smell.

Rochelle: I don't need a computer. Girl, I'm a walkin' computer.

Vanessa: But I'm not. Girl, I don't even know what's goin' on in my own salon anymore.

Narrator: Sounds like my father.

Peaches: My prison was better than school.

Narrator: How'd you know? She never went to school.

Angel: There's a lot of people getting high in school these days.

Narrator: That's why they call it high school.

Narrator: While my mom was gettin' the lowdown with Vanessa, I was tryin' not to get the whole class high.

Ms. Morello: [to Chris] You might be black, but you're not fireproof.

Narrator: A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius: Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator: I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya: Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator: I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle: Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator: But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Julius: How many times do I have to tell you kids, the Jamaicans do not sell records?

Narrator: Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

Narrator: Back at school, I had Jamaican Gold in my shoe and Italian Greg in my case.

Julius: You did somethin' I didn't like, now I'm doin' somethin' you don't like.

Narrator: You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12!

Narrator: Tonya was such a big fan of Lisa Lisa, for a while we had to call her Tonya Tonya.

Narrator: Hi, this is Chris Rock. I'd like to take this moment to say this television network does not condone the use of marijuana or any illegal substance, even if it's funny, so please don't sue me. Now, back to the show!

Greg: So, where were we? Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain how you didn't run me over.

Chris: No, I didn't.

Greg: So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel when my face was smashed up against the windshield?

Chris: No, because if I had hit you, that meant I was driving someone's car, and that someone would go to jail for a really, really, really long time if we snitched. So, not only would you be hurt, he would be hurt also, and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?

Narrator: After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.

Rochelle: What did you say?!

Chris: I said no.

Narrator: Twice!

Rochelle: That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.

Chris: Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.

Rochelle: I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!

Chris: Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?

Rochelle: Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.

Narrator: I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.

Rochelle: Where have you been?

Julius: I stopped to get coffee.

Narrator: With his coffee coupon.

Narrator: With my father on his way to Doc's, I was a dead man workin'.

Julius: I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.

Chris: Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?

Julius: Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.

Chris: Why?

Julius: Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!

Narrator: And countin'!

Chris: How is that even possible?

Julius: Because she doesn't care!

Chris: It doesn't make any sense!

Julius: Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.

Narrator: I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.

Narrator: I had put my foot down, but unfortunately, it was into my own grave.

Narrator: While my mother was teachin' me lessons about life, Mr. Omar was teachin' a lesson about death.

Narrator: How come when a woman says, "Fine," it's never actually fine?

Tonya: Will you quit bein' stupid and go clean up the kitchen like Momma told you?!

Julius: Why is this table such a mess?

Narrator: Somebody fired the maid.

Vanessa: Chris, you are a child. Parents don't negotiate with children.

Narrator: When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Rochelle: Y'all better eat that liver.

Chris, Drew and Tonya: Yes, ma'am.

Narrator: ...you do it, no matter what you think.

Rochelle: Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew: Yes, ma'am.

Narrator: No matter what it is.

Rochelle: Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya: Yes, ma'am.

Narrator: No matter how you feel.

Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris: No!

Rochelle: What?

Narrator: Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

Rochelle: While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!

Julius: A coup? What? Who, Drew?

Rochelle: CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!

Julius: Does what? What did he do?

Rochelle: What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!

Julius: No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!

Rochelle: Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!

Julius: Rochelle, what did he do?

Rochelle: I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!

Narrator: Whenever there was a problem my mom couldn't handle, she'd call my dad for backup, like the governor bringin' in the National Guard.

Rochelle: Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris: No.

Narrator: Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

Narrator: First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Chris: Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

Rochelle: You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

Narrator: And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Chris: Where's my underwear?

Rochelle: You grown. Wash your own drawers.

Narrator: She didn't make my meals.

Chris: Where's my breakfast?

Rochelle: You grown. You can cook your own food.

Monk: I also will take that, uh... helmet and those death darts.

Mr. Omar: That's a crock-pot and pens, man!

Monk: Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.

Mr. Omar: Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?

Chris: My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?

Rochelle: I'd like to return this child.

Nurse: Do you have the receipt?

Rochelle: Sure do.

Nurse: Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.

Rochelle: Thank you!

Narrator: I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.

Rochelle: What you think you doin'?

Chris: I'm makin' breakfast.

Rochelle: With my eggs?

Chris: No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.

Rochelle: Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.

Chris: Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.

Rochelle: Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

Chris: You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Rochelle: Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Chris: Fine! I'm leavin'.

Narrator: I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

Julius: You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.

Narrator: What?

Rochelle: Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?

Drew: I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.

Tonya: No, I think the arm is the arm.

Rochelle: Chris is the boy.

Julius: Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.

Drew: Like talkin' back to Mom.

Julius: Right.

Tonya: So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?

Julius: Exactly.

Rochelle: So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.

"""Chris: Look, I Don't Care, All right. It's better than doing everyone else's work. If you had been cleaning up after me for the past ten years, you'd know how I felt.

Greg: Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?

Chris: She said she'll think about it.

Greg: But what does that mean?

Chris: It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."

Narrator: When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.

Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?

Blind Girlfriend: Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?

Narrator: She checked dangerous guys.

Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?

Robber Girl: Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!

Narrator: She even checked guys who were girls.

Tasha: Do you have a girlfriend?

Androgynous Guy: I'm my own girlfriend.

Tasha: What'd you get me?

Narrator: A big box of nothin'.

Chris: I got a surprise for you later.

Tasha: You do? What is it?

Narrator: It's a surprise to me, too.

Chris: Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.

Narrator: Good one!

Tasha: Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...

Narrator: Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.

Narrator: The best thing about the girl next door is that she's right next door, and the worst is that she's right next door.

Tasha: I will not be ignored, Chris.

Narrator: I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.

Narrator: After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Tasha: Oh, Chris.

Chris: Hey. I was mad earlier.

Tasha: I noticed.

Chris: It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.

Tasha: Like what?

Chris: First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.

Tasha: OK.

Chris: And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.

Tasha: OK.

Chris: Good. [tries to kiss Tasha, but she rejects him] What's wrong?

Tasha: I am breaking up with you.

Chris: I thought you said that we were still together.

Tasha: Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Rochelle: Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.

Narrator: That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.

Tallulah: Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]

Narrator: That was Barack Obama's middle name.

Rochelle: And Obama-lu to you, too!

Julius: [to Rochelle] Are you OK?

Narrator: No, she's mad she can't slap soup.

Tonya: It looks like Clay-Dough and grits.

Drew: Ugh, it tastes like Clay-Dough and grits.

Julius: It is Clay-Dough and grits.

Narrator: After three days of studyin', I was a lot like William Henry Harrison: dead.

Chris: [on the phone] Hello. I have planted a bomb at Tattaglia High. Unless everybody is out of that building in the next 40 minutes... everybody will be out of that building in the next 40 minutes.

Narrator: Back home, my dad's mojo recipes were layin' eggs.

Julius: Honey, I've done everything I can and things just keep gettin' worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy, and their temperature just keeps goin' up.

Narrator: Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

Narrator: The week before finals was the most pressure-packed time of the year. Kids reacted to the pressure in lotsa different ways. Some kids took it out on themselves, and some kids took it out on others.

Narrator: In the '80s, makin' a bomb threat was nowhere near as easy as it is now.

Cop: Sir, unless the bomb is committing a crime, there's nothing we can do.

Fireman: Unless the bomb is up a tree and can't get down, there's nothing we can do.

Narrator: I thought I'd finally got the right people on the phone, but I still couldn't figure out why the school wasn't bein' evacuated.

Chris: Don't we have a copy machine?

Librarian: We did, but it turned out to be a fake. It was a copy of a copy machine. The Xerox police confiscated it. If your hand starts to cramp up, use the other one.

Narrator: I was quite familiar with that principle.

Rochelle: You know Miss Tallulah?

Vanessa: Yeah. What about her?

Rochelle: Well, she was unhappy with her hair color, so she seemed pretty upset, so I just gave her a refund.

Vanessa: REFUND?! What'd you do that for? I have a strict no-refund policy. You know that.

Rochelle: Well, Vanessa, she put a hex on me. A mojo!

Vanessa: A mojo? You let that woman come in and scam you for $40 because she threatened you with a mojo? She's been doin' that ever since she came in, 'Chelle. She's crazy! She's the reason I put the sign up there.

Mr. Thurman: [to Chris] You got a way with words, which would be a good thing if this was... you-got-a-way-with-word-ology!

Narrator: ...and then catch three buses. If I got the first one on time, it gave me just enough time to catch the second one which usually made me right on time to catch the third one. And if nothing went wrong, I'd be on time.

Greg: Hey, Chris.

Chris:[to Greg] Hey. [to Mr. Thurman] After you.

[school bell rings, and Mr. Thurman closes the door.]

Mr. Thurman:[to Chris] You're late. Now go to the principal's office and get a tardy slip.

[Chris is angry about being late, and the next scene switches to Ms. Morello's office.]

Ms. Morello: Here. [gives Chris a tardy slip.] Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not C.P. Time.

Chris: What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.

Ms. Morello: Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.

Chris:[outraged] Say what?!

Ms. Morello:[sticking to her guns] Say word.

Narrator: Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!

[Chris is eating his dinner very quickly.]

Narrator: While I was worried about getting to school, Tonya was worried about getting out of school.

Rochelle: Boy, slow down. You're acting like your food is trying to get away from you.

Chris: I'm trying to get to bed. I'm really tired.

Tonya: Hey, Daddy, can I get my hair done at Nessa's for graduation?

Julius: Sure, baby.

Tonya: Can I get a new dress too?

Rochelle: You don't need a new dress; you can wear your church dress.

Tonya: But I wore that for Easter. If I wear it for graduation, I'll look back at the pictures, I won't know what I'm remembering.

Rochelle: You'll remember that we couldn't afford to buy you two dresses.

Chris:[finishes his drink rapidly] Plus, in one of the pictures, you'd be holding the chocolate bunny. [kisses Rochelle's cheek] Love you. Good night.

Rochelle: Good night.

Julius: That's okay. I've been saving up for this. How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?

Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, five.

Tonya: Thanks, Daddy.

Rochelle: What are you writing, Drew?

Drew: It's a list of things I can do on Amateur Night at the Apollo. I'm gonna try out.

Julius: Drew, that's a tough audience. You can't just go up there and do anything; they will boo you faster that Casper on Halloween.

Rochelle:Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night; they booed him blind.

Drew: I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster? Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good!"?

Rochelle: Have you thought about what you're gonna do if you don't pass the G.E.D.?

Julius:[showing up with Chris' G.E.D. results] Hey, everybody.

Tonya: Hey, Daddy.

Rochelle: Hi. What's that?

Julius: Chris' G.E.D. results.

Drew: Did you pass?

Tonya: Open it.

Julius: Is that fried crust?

Drew: Yeah. And it's good.

Chris:[last line on the show] What's it say? [the screen blacks out afterwards, leaving it ambiguous as to whether Chris passed the G.E.D. or not, and the credits roll in silence, mimicking the final episode of The Sopranos.]

Narrator: I've been worried all week about what would happen if one thing went wrong. I never consider what would happen if everything went wrong. Chris: Far rockaway? Chris: (Narrating) That's far out the way. Chris: (narrating) Say yes say yes