Friday, January 20, 2012

Your Five

Your Five is a list of five famous people that you can have sex with and not get in trouble with your partner for if you're in a relationship.

(Embarrassingly, this concept seems to have originated on Friends. But pretty much everyone I talk to about this is at least familiar with the concept, so I think it's safe to say that it's penetrated the collective cultural subconscious. Heh heh, "penetrated.")

Now, since this life and it's serious, there have to be Rules. Nothing is fun without Rules. Here are the Rules:

1. The person has to be famous, i.e., be generally well-known. Although this is a somewhat fluid concept, I think it's pretty clear-cut who's famous and who isn't. If he or she regularly appears on national TV or in magazines or even indie films, that person is probably famous. You personally may not have heard of Sabrina Soto of HGTV, but she is unquestionably famous (and would actually be a completely reasonable pick, now that I think about it). "That girl from accounting" is not famous, unless she is Mindy Kaling.

2. You can't put someone on your list for the first time when you see them in person. EXAMPLE: A while back I was talking to Veronica Belmont at a party (true story). I didn't know who she was. I still don't really know who she is, but I've been assured that she is famous. So I could not have said "Excuse me, Veronica," and gone over to The Wife and said "Veronica Belmont is now on my list" and then gone back and tried to hit it. She was with her boyfriend anyway, but you get the point. So if you get a call from your girlfriend at 12:30 a.m. and she sounds a little drunk and says "MARK WAHLBERG IS NOW ON MY LIST" you say "ABSOLUTELY NOT."

3. You can't enter into an ongoing FWB relationship with the Famous Person. It's one and done, people. No every-time-you're-in-LA thing.

4. Your partner can be cold and withdrawn for a day or two following your Famous Hookup, but then they have to let it go. That's the deal.

OK, so with that out of the way, here's mine:

1. Minka Kelly

We were first introduced on FNL. She is on some next-level shit. Nothing really to say except duh. No longer engaged to Derek Jeter, I understand, so that's good.

Also, born "Minka Dumont Dufay," be still my heart.

2. Mila Kunis

Too predictable? Who gives a fuck? Super hot and she also seems cool, for some reason.

3. Lohan

Love ya, girl!

Yeah, she looking a little haggard these days, but I want the full doors-blown-off 48 straight hours of partying experience. She can go back on the wagon on Monday. She is clearly fucking insane and you can't put a price on that.

4. Elisha Cuthbert

She also seems like she could throw down. I mean, this is your shot, you don't want someone who's boring. I bet she can out-drink me. She's fucking CANADIAN. In the morning, we will pull the empty Labatt's bottles out of the hot tub together.

5. Elle Macpherson

I felt like I had to choose someone at least roughly age-appropriate, and girlfriend is older than me and still radiantly hot.

POSTSCRIPT: Charlize Theron is crazy hot, like not even the same species as us hot, but it would be pointless to put her on the list because if we were ever in the same physical space I would just babble nonsensically or literally melt into a formless puddle of organic material and Charlize would be all "Eww, oh God, what is that pile of undifferentiated organic material? Somebody clean that the fuck up please." There is no sense having her take up a spot that someone I could look at without exploding can take.

In the interests of Gender Fairness, here's The Wife's list (all comments hers, not mine, obvs.):

1. John Cusack- OG. Grandfathered in even though his politics are crazy and he doesn’t spell very well.

2. George Clooney- because, you know, CLOONEY!! You’d have to. As I said, any man in the world would have to concede that in the case of Clooney you’d gladly hand over your partner and the better man would have won.

3. Ryan Gosling – avoided it for as long as I could, but that guy’s definitely fuckable. (I’m basing this mostly on his abs and sexiness in “Crazy, Stupid, Love”.)

4. Timothy Olyphant – but as Raylan Givens, not as the family guy who’s been married to his college girlfriend for 20+ years because I’m not a ho.

5. Zac Efron – WHAT? No, as it happens I wouldn’t feel skeevy and old at all just because he’s a zygote and adorable.

used to have a major thing for Shannyn Sossamon, but since i'm no longer bi-curious, it's gosling all the way. oh and adrian grenier is smoldering but looks like a douche. and ian somerhalder. i think the wife would agree with me on that.

DAMN! Ian Somerhalder is hot, but wouldn't be on my 5. He totally reminded me of a HUGE OMISSION on my list, though. I am subbing out Efron for Alexander Skarsgaard. PLEASE NOTE: ALEXANDER SKARSGAARD IS NOW IN PLAY. That's almost my laminated list. I need to ruminate on whether or not Olyphant may get bumped for Jon Hamm.

You didn't say one of the rules was "no time travel," so I'm going to assume that's allowed.

1) Definitely agree with The Wife on John Cusack, but only John Cusack 15 years ago. He has not aged well2) Young "angry-young-man" era Elvis Costello3) Ted Leo at any age4) Ewan McGregor at any age5) Carl Newman from the New Pornographers at any age

Honorable mentions: Jude Law, Young Henry Rollins, Will Sheff from Okkervil River (yeah, I know), Matt Damon from the neck down, like if he put a bag over his head or wore a mask

About Me

TK lives and works in San Francisco. He occasionally travels to places east of the Caldecott Tunnel, but not very often. His interests include bars, reality TV, and irony. Things seem to be going fine.