A Guide to Crying: How to Ration Your Tissues During "The Fault in Our Stars"

There is no holding back the tears. Unless you are a monster.

By
Anna Silman

Jun 05, 2014

I saw The Fault in Our Stars at its first New York City screening back in early May. Having finished the book the week before, I thought I had adequately steeled myself for the tidal wave of emotions that was about to hit. Turns out I had not — I blubbered like a baby from start to finish. To be fair, I also cry during emotionally affecting beer commercials. But still: The Fault in Our Stars is an aggressive tearjerker on par with AWalk to Remember and Titanic, enough to transform even the most stoic among us into whimpering piles of snot.

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If you plan to brave the emotional rollercoaster this weekend, I advise you to come prepared. In the interest of public safety, I've put together a handy, time-stamped guide on how to ration a travel pack of Kleenex — which generally contains only 10 tissues, so use wisely! — throughout the unrelenting sob-fest. Remember, pain demands to be felt. Also, spoilers ahead.

1 minute:The camera closes in on Shailene/Hazel's big eyes and all their infinite moments. I am already defenseless.How many tissues are left in your travel pack: 10, but not for long.

14 minutes:Flashback to a young Hazel, in the early days of her illness, before she got her miracle drug. This "should have been the end," she says. The scene is particularly crushing because Laura Dern cries in it. As a rule, it is impossible not to cry when Laura Dern cries, because she is the embodiment of maternal love.Tissues left: Still 10, but the pressure is building behind your eyes; your nose is twitching.

22 minutes:Isaac is crying because Monica dumped him right before his eye surgery; he goes on a trophy-smashing rampage.Tissues left: 10. You may choke up, but your overriding emotion will be anger at Monica, who is just the worst. Do matching boyfriend/girlfriend necklaces mean nothing?

28 minutes:Hazel says, "OK," and Gus says, "Perhaps our OK will be our always." This is not a sad moment in itself, but if you are like me, you will feel a solitary tear running down your cheek.Tissues left: Still 10. But you will need to wipe away that tear with your sleeve.

37 minutes:Things get scary. This is the part where Hazel's brain is poorly oxygenated because of fluid in her lungs, but they don't know that at the time, and she clutches her brain in agony and is rushed to the hospital. There's a lot of affecting stuff here: Hazel holding her head, Laura Dern running in slo-mo, and Sam Trammell lifting his daughter onto a gurney.Tissues Left: Down to nine, and you let out your first official whimper.

39 minutes:The doctor tells Hazel she is too sick to go to Amsterdam. (But how will she find out about Sisyphus the hamster?) We also get another flashback to young Hazel, with Laura Dern crying, bathed in soft light, and saying, "I'm not going to be a mother anymore," which is maybe the saddest line in movie history, other than possibly this one.How many tissues are left in your travel pack: Eight. Sniveling pathetically.

42 minutes:The swing set scene. A teary-eyed Hazel tells Gus they can't be together because she's a grenade and wants to minimize the casualties. "I also don't really want this particular life," she says.Tissues left: Seven.Tears are streaming nonstop down your face.

47 minutes:Never mind! Laura Dern says they ARE GOING TO AMSTERDAM AFTER ALL!!! They share the sweetest mother-daughter hug ever. And then Gus shows up like a Wolf of Wall Street, hanging out the top of a stretch limo, metaphoric cigarette in his mouth, full of youthful exuberance. The moment is poignant and uplifting, with an undercurrent of devastation for anyone who's read the book.Tissues left: Still seven, but that last tissue is getting a real workout.

55 minutes:At this point I'm sort of on the verge of tears constantly, even at the happy moments. "We bottled all the stars for you," says the waiter at Oranjee. Tears. (Also: Where is Oranjee? Can I go to there? What is a dragon carrot?) Then Gus professes his love to Hazel and I squee in a way I have not since, well, ever.Tissues left: seven. You are too busy squeeing to attend to your very wet eyeballs.

1 hour, 2 minutes:And then, in the wake of the lovely dinner, we get a horrible scene with Peter Van Houten, where he calls Hazel "a failed attempt in mutation." I didn't think it was possible to hate anyone more than I hate Monica.Tissues left: seven. Your tissue is crumpled in your angry fist.

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1 hour, 10 minutes:I'm not sure how to feel about this whole Anne Frank House scene. At first it looks like Hazel won't be able to climb the ladder into the attic, which is totally gut-wrenching. Then we hear audio excerpts from Diary of a Young Girl, and Hazel finally makes it up the steps as the camera cuts back and forth from Anne's face to Hazel's. I'm definitely crying, although I don't know whether it's more about the Holocaust or Hazel's low red blood cell count.Tissues left: Six. Another tissue down, confused tears running down your cheeks.

1 hour, 15 minutes:The first kiss!!!! (If you have not read the book, you might still be grappling with some uncomfortable feelings about the fact that one of the movie's key love scenes takes place in the Anne Frank House. No matter. Look how cute they are!)Tissues left: Six. Still dabbing your eyes with that last tissue.

1 hour, 16 minutes:Now comes the *real* love scene. "I fell in love with him the way you fall asleep, slowly and then all at once," says Hazel, delivering one of the most iconic lines from the book, and doing so just perfectly. (Shailene Woodley is so good in this. I just want to drink organic birch tea with her and have her braid my hair. ) "I love you so much, Augustus," she tells him, and he's so cute and vulnerable about his leg even though she couldn't care less. Also, Bright Eyesplays and you get to see Gus/Ansel Elgort's impeccable abs, so it is all just perfect.Tissues left: Still six.

1 hour, 21 minutes:And then it all comes crashing down. If you have managed to hold out so far, you will probably lose it here. Gus tells Hazel his cancer has come back, that his scans "lit up like a Christmas tree," which, thanks for ruining Christmas, John Green. Everyone in the theater is bawling.Tissues left: Down to five. You are crying loudly and uncontrollably, and probably starting to worry that you should have rationed the tissues better.

1 hour, 29 minutes: A midnight phone call. This can't be good. Hazel goes to pick up Gus at the gas station. His stomach is infected and he's vomiting, spittle running down this face. He punches the steering wheel in rage as he sobs, before the ambulance finally arrives and he is wheeled away. The girls next to me are crying and holding each other.Tissues left: Four.You are weeping like an unhinged maniac.

1 hour, 32 minutes:Gus's mom tearfully tells Hazel that they are going to stop the chemo. She's no Laura Dern, but mom tears are an instant trigger for me regardless. Meanwhile, I find myself mentally playing diagnostician. Maybe there's an experimental trial Gus could get on?Tissues left: Three.

1 hour, 34 minutes: Hazel and Gus go on another picnic date overlooking the "funky bones" sculpture. My notes on this scene read simply, "THIS IS SO SAD." Gus appears to have given up, and seeing him succumb to depression is crushing. Still, Hazel chides him by saying it's all worth it "because I love you and I'm going to remember you." "It's a good life, Hazel Grace," he eventually allows, to which she responds, "It's not over yet."Tissues left: Three. It's true — it's not over yet, which is bad news for your tissue rationing. You are a snotty mess.

1 hour, 38 minutes: We get another really heavy scene shortly after, in which Hazel's parents try to stop her from going to see Gus and she is just so harsh with them, even though they are the best. Laura Dern assures Hazel that the whole "I won't be a mom anymore" thing wasn't true and tells her that she plans to go into social work after she dies. "Losing you is going to hurt like hell, but you of all people know it's possible to live with pain." She has so much womanly poise and grace, that Laura Dern.Tissues left: Down to two. You are clutching the person next to you, even if he/she is a stranger.

1 hour, 41 minutes:This is it, the tearjerker tour de force: the "pre-funeral." Hazel cries and Isaac says that, even with robot eyes, he doesn't want to see a world without Gus. Then Hazel gives possibly the saddest speech ever about math, talking about all the decimals between zero and one, saying that Gus gave her "a forever in the numbered days." You may want to bring out your calculator and some log paper, but basically Hazel + Gus = infinity tears.Tissues left: Two. Now you're just muttering, "WTF," and shaking like a crazy person with a puddle on her chest.

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1 hour, 46 minutes:Another midnight phone call. Nobody has to tell us what this means. "It was unbearable, the whole thing, every second worst than the last," narrates Hazel. Her maxim is applicable to the remainder of movie.Tissues left: One. The tissue you are using disintegrates.

1 hour, 48 minutes:And then it's time for funeral No. 2: the real funeral. I am mainly just relieved that she opts to go with a parent-friendly eulogy and not another "star-crossed love of my life" one, because I am very low on tissues.Tissues left: Still one, but you have to sniffle up a whopping glob of snot.

1 hour, 52 minutes:After the funeral, Peter Van Houten confronts Hazel, but who even cares. She drives away crying as Birdy's "Not About Angels" plays in the background.Tissues left: Zero. Now you're just crying into the person's hair in front of you.

1 hour, 56 minutes:Hazel gets the posthumous letter from Gus. He says all the nicest things you could say to anyone ever, about how funny and beautiful she is, and how it's better to be loved deeply than widely, and how lucky he is to have loved her. "OK, Hazel Grace?" he writes. "OK," she says. Then the credits roll. I am pretty sure I'm in the full throes of a nervous breakdown, and I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again.How many Kleenex: None. Zilch, zip, zero. Bawling amid a pile of crusty, molted Kleenex exoskeletons.