I'm not sure if my boyfriend's being abused

Hi, I'm really glad I found this place, I just need an outside opinion. I've talked to my mum but she's quite... demeaning of my issues, nevermind my boyfriend's. We're both 17 and in a relationship for the last year. We also both have autistic tendencies (though neither of us enough for diagnosis). From the way he acts I've suspected something for a while. He apologises for everything, even if it was a complete accident or he wasn't even actually involved in the situation or the situation isn't an issue in the first place. He goes out of his way to please me, I mean obviously we're in love and want to make each other happy, but it's over the top, at the forfit of his own happiness. He expects me to find him annoying, he expects everyone to find him annoying, he still sort of believes I only keep him around because he's useful or I'm attracted to him. He can't believe I could love him, and finds any kind comment I make totally overwhelming. Sometimes I say "I hate you" if someone's teasing me, most of my friends would reply "Nah, you love me" but he curls in on himself (literally) and whispers "I know". It's horrible. If I'm annoyed or he hurts me accidentally he curls in on himself, doubles over and apologises profusely. He takes teasing completely genuinely (except with me more recently). He tries to crush all his emotions, berates himself for feeling, sometimes physically self-harming in public, but is actually incredibly emotional. He cried at any intense, negative emotion or serious discussion. He takes even minor criticism as an overly serious issue and something he should hate himself for. He has very few friends beyond those he's made through me and sees no one besides myself out of school unless we're meeting in a group. Because he thinks he's just annoying them. He also has graphic homicidal and very genuine suicidal thoughts. He finds the homicidal thoughts calming and loathes himself for it. All I've ever seen is a passive, submissive, sweet person but from what he says he had some outbursts of anger at secondary school, screaming at a teacher and once breaking a boys finger for annoying him. He absolutely hates himself, puts down his achievements, goes silent the few times I've genuinely (accidentally) hurt him and never offers his opinion, he will only back up my own in discussion without a lot of prompt from me. And then there's stuff he's actually said about his parents. I've met them and they're lovely, if very teasing, but he and his (much) older sister give it back too. But he considers his mother incredibly over protective to the point of condescension (but he is both a teenager and her son). He's mentioned she makes him feel guilty for having his own opinions. Despite being talkative with me, he says his father is very silent, typically "masculine", and shows no support. He once told his son he wasn't trying hard enough when he had a panic attack at school. My boyfriend hasn't told anyone beyond myself this and has cried and had nosebleeds when he has. He isn't good at eye contact at all. But I feel like sometimes things are just "lost in translation" on the other hand has parents should take that into account. He also spends all his time at home in his room. His mum compares him to his older brother (who abused drugs and alcohol, dropped out of uni, severly bullied my boyfriend and had completely unmanaged ADHD) all the time, and almost all the decisions he's made in his life have been to avoid being like him. He seems quite comfortable with his family but says he always feels like he's walking on eggshells. He's very indecisive. He also has some serious issues he needs to "sort through himself" before he tells me. I try to be supportive and comforting, a safe haven, as much as I can. I have my own issues. He really worries about his relationship with his family in the future. I also can't quite pinpoint an example now but he seems less emotionally developed in some areas. But to me he's kind, caring, protective. Sorry this is so long, I'm just really worried about him and have a mental illness of my own on top (that he helps a lot with). Being emotionally abused by his whole family bar his sister seems unlikely but... I thought I should find out

Well, I am not going to help you label abuse. It is just not for me to do. I mean, I am sure I have said some not so supportive things to my child when he was 17. (My son has Asperger’s) Is that abusive? Ignorance? A bad day? Idk. Emotional abuse is more subjective vs objective legally, depending on where you are and such... way too complicated for me to try to wrap my head around.

What comes to mind for me when reading this is that it is very possible that your BF does sit somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Imo, this needs to be sorted out first. Autism affects ones perception. Affects how the senses are reciveing and interpreting information. It could make him hypersensitive both physically and emotionally and sorting this stuff out alone can be confusing at best and impossible at worst.

I personally have found CARD (center for autism and related disabilities; I’m in US, idk if they have this in other countries.) to be a phenomenal resource for helping my own child. While they only accept persons as members who can provide proof of their ASD diagnosis, I am sure they will help guide BF in the best way to get a diagnosis if he so chooses to seek that out. Some areas, it is best to start with a PCP, others a neuro physchologist, etc. It really depends on area and such what method makes the most sense. CARD does not “do” anything to provide direct counseling or such. They are more like an educational organization to point you to the right resources and teach a person how to manage resources and advocate for themself. Sometimes they do run educational trainings for their clients, such as social skills groups and parent support groups, transitioning into adulthood groups, etc. Usually tho their focus is educating the masses such as school district wide programs and such. Just pointing this out so he does not expect of them what is not their role and find himself frustrated. It took me time to figure out in what way to utilize them best.

Imo, so much of how you describe your BF is very similar to what I have experienced over the years in contact with those on the ASD spectrum, and my own child.

Also, imo... way I see it is there may be an underlying neurological difference in how your BF is experiencing life. This needs attention before the social emotional and psychological stuff can be properly faced. If he has ASD, then the way he processes this stuff is going to matter greatly! While he may not qualify for diagnosis via simple PCP interview or such, CARD can usually point one to better resources for more comprehensive testing.

Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

I feel like also mentioning the trauma part because my son only recently helped me to understand this. He is recieving trauma therapy and EMDR, brain spotting and such. It is helping! His affect improved greatly after his last session.

I had no idea this but it makes sense...

-When my son was bullied in middle school... this is truama he needs to reprocess.
-When he was an infant and he has sensory processing disorder and I bathed him, he cried in literal PAIN from the experience of the water and noises. This was indeed trauma to his system. As is eating traumatic for him as it is literally painful for him. (Not everyone with ASD has pain with their sensory system, just his is pretty bad). So he does do EMDR to undo the trauma of sensory experiences.
-My son is also hypersensitive to criticism. In Middle School and High School he was subjected to tons of mockery for his “social mistakes” so he does tend to be “overly kind” to never make such a mistake again. This is a fear response he is having. He is afraid of offending others, or saying things that hurt their feelings. A trauma response of being MORE hypersensitive to criticism for having made a social missteps in the past. He does not fogive himself easily and his internal dialogue has gotten stuck on berating himself. He undoes this wiring through EMDR, so he can remove the fear/trauma hypersensitivity he built over the years. (I logically explain to him that he is not responsible for another person’s feelings, but he logically cannot connect to this because he is so strongly wired from the trauma that his fear of the mockery controls his choices. He will still be overly preoccupied with not offending someone...to a point that he is harming himself by internal ruminations and going out of his way to avoid misstepping socially...which incidentally...is socially overcompensating...and also “not appropriate” level of response the situation does best with.)

I really had no comprehension until the past couple of years of my son teaching me... no understanding that with my son’s ASD actually comes a ton of trauma for how his mind processes stuff. I felt bad because I guess I was somewhat ignorant thinking trauma is made from getting abused. From perpetrators. From other people who harm. From men who rape me in the night, etc. So I felt badly for being ignorant to the idea that this enviornment that is noxious to my child... these painful baths, the pain he has eating and just existing in his enviornment... all this is trauma.

So yea, trauma can exist without a perpetrator is my point.
(Not saying his family is not abusive. Just saying... there is different possibilities and even a combo contributing factors is possible or such. Imo, not so important to label a person a perp as it is to get BF needed help for now and his future.)

Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

The following user says thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

Think abuse a very difficult thing to define...whats okay for one is not for another..
From what you've written your bf seems okay with his family even if he spends most of his time in his room ( had two sons who did exactly that too..think an age thing)
I wonder if his school might offer him some help here..esp given you think he displays some autistic tendencies..might be worth him talking to his head of year if he feels that his home life is less than amicable.
Sometimes we can read other peoples' families wrong,they don't gel with what we know so therefore we instinctively think they are wrong..guess its more a question of different strokes for different folks unless there appears evidence to the contrary.
Hope this helps some...have posted a link which might offer you both so help as think you may be in the UK.

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Not at all qualified or have the info needed to be able to tell you if your b/f is being mistreated by his family - however am happy to share my thoughts and experiences for what they are worth

I believe we are fairly complex as people - operate in the world in different ways. Also that it is often a pretty subjective call on whether a person's behavior fits within the wide range of normal or meets the criteria of one or other mh disorder. I also think diagnosing mh or other disease is the province of an appropriately qualified professional - psychiatrist or such...requires a thorough medical and psychological assessment by an expert in the particular field of medicine.

Seems to me that plenty of us have funky personalities - know aspects of mine do not always appeal to others. Good thing is we all have a choice to decide who we befriend - to choose people who we can treat and love as true equals, tolerate and live with their foibles. Have made it a rule that I will not hitch my wagon to anyone who has a personality - personal traits that I feel I can not cope with...feel I need to be critical of. When I have not followed this self imposed rule the outcome has not been good for me or the other person - we would have both been better to find partners who we could have accepted and loved without too many provisos.

As you describe your b/f he certainly seems to be very sensitive and easily hurt...I had a brother who (probably due to childhood trauma) struggled to feel adequate and was very easily hurt . He was the sweetest guy in the world, but had difficulty feeling emotionally safe and worthwhile as a person - I absolutely empathised and felt for him - however I think that I would have struggled to live 24/7 with his insecurities...well would probably been able to do this as his mother, which in my book is different than doing it as his intimate partner.

My thoughts for what they are worth.

Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.

Thank you so much for all your replies, they've been very insightful. It's not that I mind any of this about my bf (it can be frustrating at times of course), I've just been worried about him. I guess of course I'm not in the position to say whether it's emotional abuse or not, there are a few more serious instances I've remembered since my post (I have some serious memory problems, please forgive this). My focus should be more on helping him. And though I'd thought his possible ASD could impact how he interprets others actions I hadn't really considered the sensory implications of ASD affecting what he actually finds traumatic. Thank you for your help. I'm slightly unsure how to approach him about all this, but I can see that the next step for me rather than worrying about labelling the situation is to get him the help he needs. Our school is quite stressful and grade-oriented; I'm unsure on the quality of pastoral care. But I'll speak to him about it and see what he thinks is best. I just can't see him really accepting my help without feeling like a burden. But that's a different problem. Thank you very much for your help on this. I often overreact and misinterpret situations, but working off what my bf had said I thought I ought to source an outside opinion. So thank you so much

So, obviously what is right for me and another are going to be personal things...
Yet, when I have found it tricky to cope with what a loved one is coping with, I have sought counseling for myself to learn how best to support them, and to be sure I was not slipping into some codependency tendencies. Sometimes this ended up helping the loved one cause I then could share that I was seeing a therapist, sometimes even asking them to join me in a session or two. Yet, all along knowing the ultimate outcome of my therapy was me coping better... in the back of my head if they then felt more inclined to see a T, it was a huge bonus. Idk, sometimes it takes me caring more about another person to learn how to care for myself is all.

Had I not created my whole world. I would certainly have died in other people’s. ~Anias Nin

The following user says thank you to Sunfl0wer for this useful post:

Like what sunfl0wer has written - about focusing on our own coping, decision making on our own behalf - treating the others in our lives as self determining adults - not saying that if the person for whatever reason is incapacitated mentally or physically I would not step in to keep them safe but otherwise prefer to treat others as I prefer to be (but were not always) treated - as an autonomous person who has the right to make my own choices, including ones others do not agree with...deal with (take responsibility) for the consequences of these decisions.

Rest in my arms precious child; cradled and warm. You are safe. The war is over.