Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I am home. Or rather my surrogate home in the City of Sails, the Antipodes. Not the Shire. Not yet, though only a few short days separate me from my final departure and my homecoming.

My sojourn South has ended, as have the fleeting fornications with the gentleman from the Promised Land and the Singer. It was a torrid goodbye, passions were riled, and as I watched the landscapes disappear behind me, I let the tears trickle down my face; I do not know when I shall see those dear to me again.

But there was little time to reflect on the last few days activities as I barely had the time to change before getting ready for my farewell Ball. I hate hurrying more than I despise waiting, so of course I was in the least amusing mood, and I couldn't think straight. I had a guilty feeling and I couldn't think why...

It was wonderful to see everyone of course, though there were a few notably missing faces, and if I hadn't been so exhausted I'd have revelled in the attention. But as it were, my energy had been sapped from a long night of loving, and my mind was elsewhere as I waited to see the Captain. Only to be bitterly disappointed.

The brunette's friend, one whom I've held dear to me these past months but whose advances have been rejected, made it clear to me why the Captain was not around and gave voice to my guilty emotions. Apparently, the previous night, while I was still in a lieu with the philosophers I'd couriered two identical notes of intimate longing to BOTH the Captain and the brunette's friend. Embarrassing is an understatement.

What makes it worse is that I can't ignore the feelings... I love the Captain but I have no more love to give him. I'm sure he could argue that I've given him nothing, but I gave him the opportunity to change me and he rejected it. But the friend of the brunette? I have stayed with him a few times, and always argued the case that because he is friends with the Captain it would be wrong... It seems that when I am intoxicated I'd rather satisfy the longing of the flesh than of the heart. But that doesn't mean to say I don't care about him. It's just different with the Captain, though clearly my body disagrees and only wants carnal satisfaction.

Indeed I believe even the brunette is not impressed with my latest behaviour. She knows about the gentleman from the Promised Land, she is also not surprised by the singer joining us for she too has made use of more Sapphic love. But she gave me the most disapproving look after I fell into the arms of the nameless paramour after her friend gave me the news of my humiliating mistake.

That was not planned, it just happened and I don't regret waking up next to him... I do regret the reason why however. I do regret everything to do with the Captain, except for the good. Though it is heavily weighted against me. I regret that it's taking me longer to change and be the person I want to be, rather than the person I am.

I don't want to leave. I know that much. Five days. Can I earn forgiveness in only five days when some people aren't forgiven for a lifetime?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Considering my plans were to stay with friends further south just for the weekend, it brings a rue smile to my face to write this from the same bed I have been sleeping in for over a week! Or rather one of the two beds that I have been making my own.

I couldn't leave after just a weekend, the sun was shining and as always there is much to be done! We have travelled around the glorious landscapes and seen some of the most fascinating aspects of nature. The Antipodes are forever changing, as if they are not quite settled. It isn't anything like my Shire, which is cool and calm, like an old man staring out of the window of his home, looking down at everything he owns, content with his decisions.

Not too long ago, maybe three days, before our travelling, a singer was welcomed into our home, to entertain us as we talked of many things. The friends I have here are from all over the world, none of whom would fit in with my friends in the City of Sails, and possibly not even in the Shire. They are philosophers, learned people from the Promised Land, from the Polynesian Islands and even from Africa, and I adore spending time with them, listening to their ideas and combining our cultures.

The night the singer arrived however, their was more than just a combining of cultures... Wine was drunk, though not so much that we didn't know what we were doing. Only enough to gain courage. One of the gentlemen from the Promised Land has the most beautiful eyes but though we are close he does not court nor try to impress me the way that most men do. He is more matter of fact, and does not question my decisions.

I nearly had to question him though when he brought the singer into our boudoir, and proceeded to undress her even before I had consented. But before I could say anything the singer had started undressing me with ease, and the gentleman whispered in my ear, 'this is clearly not your first time...'

How he knew I can only guess, but we have talked of many things, sexuality included. I feel safe when I'm with my philosophers for they do not judge, they only expect you to accept the consequences of your decision.

I am only here for a few more days, I am making the most of the time that I have. There is nothing that I regret... At the moment. Nothing more.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I have sojourned south for the weekend to clear my head and say goodbye to some dear friends before my travels to the Shire begin. I am trying to make the most of the fortnight I have left here in the Antipodes, though it is difficult to know where to start.

The brunette has organised a soirée in my honour for my nearest and dearest, and too a ball is to be thrown next weekend. With my departure plaguing my mind I can't help but think of my mistakes on this side of the world... My entire friendship, or relationship if you will, with the Captain was the highlight of my heart's endeavours, rocked only by my insecurities and inability to not be the centre of attention.

The brunette's cousin, the minx, invited me over to hers under the ruse that she was afraid to spend the night alone. I was more than willing to spend time with her and hear all about her secret love, and whisper of the English gentleman's demise, but she had other plans! I arrived with baked goods in tow, only to find that a third glass had been set upon the table! There is no way I can be mad at her, I know she did it with my best interest at heart, but when it comes to the Captain, I need the warning!

However, the three of us had a lovely evening talking and laughing, and it truly pains me to think that these are the last days I will get to spend with them!

In fact I heard something about the English gentleman that made me pause for thought... Apparently soon after I had broken off our relationship he bumped into the brunette's cousin and while inebriated he couldn't but help talk about me, and how much he missed me and regretted all the ills that had passed! I was most surprised when she told me of this, and though I think nothing of it for I know we were not meant to be, it's interesting to hear... In vino veritas...

I have made mistakes yes, I have regret for possibly the first time in my life. I can't change the situation and sometimes I don't know whether I'd really ever appreciate my love for the Captain if I hadn't lost him through a fault of my own...

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A week has scuttled by and it is quite disconcerting to think that my time in the Antipodes feels most fleeting. If it weren't for the dropping temperature I wouldn't want to leave this country at all, but I cannot abide Winter. A Summer season in the Shire is what I need after the nights begin to lengthen in the Southern hemisphere.

I truly was going to write sooner, three days ago in fact. But that would have been in the heat of the moment, and I would have said some hateful words about one whom I care about so deeply. No longer angry, I feel I can speak more plainly, more objectively about what happened a few nights ago.

After my night with yet another nameless paramour the Captain dared to judge me when our paths crossed again. I even had said paramour with me, so the situation was most uncomfortable. But what hurt the most was the Captain's look which chastised me for my behaviour, behaviour that he had encouraged only a few nights before.

At first I was furious; he was the one who told me to look in any other direction but his, even after his proclamation of love. But then I realised that his jealousy showed that he still cared. How I can doubt myself and him after all this time I don't know, but it is reassuring to know that what we had, for that short time, was real.

Three weeks to go until I can call the Shire my home again. The explorer has been more than entertaining, the brunette an absolute darling and all my friends on this side of the world mean the world to me.

Of course I have some delightful excursions to look forward to with the Gameskeeper, Belle, the Court Jester back on my home shores, even the Scottish laird has kept in touch with a few words of correspondence, and I can't wait to see my Mother again. I don't know how she is faring after the death of her Mother, my darling Nana...

But saying goodbye... I've done it enough times in my life, but at least this time I know it isn't forever.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Wisdom is supposed to come with age, as the old saying goes, but after my antics last night I don't think I have made the progression. I am stagnating and making the same old mistakes again and again.

The week has been long and hard, but the weekend eventually arrived and my birthday with it. I hadn't planned an elaborate ball for the event, wanting only to spend it with my nearest and dearest. The brunette, bless her, inundated me with gifts and the biggest surprise of all was the Captain's presence.

Though we had decided on friendship, our interaction has been rather scarce of late and it does make complete sense; we need to distance ourselves before my untimely departure.

However, the Captain's presence was a present that could have done with some prior knowledge! I need to brace myself before I see him so I am not vulnerable to this draw that I have for him. Unfortunately the brunette failed to give me any warning and I was completely taken aback when the Captain appeared. My throat closed up, my heart beat that little bit faster, the colour in my cheeks reddened; still the effect he has on me is unmistakeable.

And yet, everything he says to me makes perfect sense. I know I am leaving in one month's time, and I do not know when I shall return. What foundation for a relationship is that? But love isn't logical. Love has no boundaries. Love will, love has to, prosper.

I couldn't find these words last night. Last night I just did as I was told and skulked off with some nameless paramour in the hope that it would be a distraction from my breaking heart. It didn't work. In fact I may have even called out the Captain's name in the middle of... Well, just imagine how that was received?!

Of course the Captain is correct in his thinking. But how can he tell me he loves me and in the same breath dash any future hopes. If only I hadn't... I can't start thinking 'if only'. I regret nothing (if only that were true) for I don't think I'd have truly appreciated the love I have for the Captain without the heartache.

But I do not want to return to the Shire regretting every moment I didn't spend with the Captain. I want to seize the day. I want to have this final month at the side of the Captain. I want to belong to him in a way that usurps all the meaningless affiliations I have had since I met him. He already has my heart, I know that my body shall be bereft of all feeling once I return to the Shire. Heartache and grief surround my thoughts like two lost ducklings on a murky lake.

There is a shimmer of daylight however, the Captain did tell me he loves me.