The Young Ones (TV series)

The Young Ones was a British sitcom about four students sharing a house. It aired from 1982 to 1984.

Series 1

Demolition [1.1]

Rick: I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over people's heads. A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.

Rick: Neil, are these lentils South African?!

Neil: well... ummm

Rick: You Bastard! You complete and utter bastard! why dont you just go out and become a Policeman? Become a Pig? there's no difference you know?! I suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie!

Rick: Neil... what are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil? Huh. Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables, how much does it cost, Neil?

Neil: ... well actually about £4.50 each

Rick & Mike: £4.50?!

Rick: I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free!

Rick: None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say!

Vyvyan: That's because you're very boring!

Rick: OH! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too.

(Neil, Vyvyan and Rick are digging in the basement for oil. Unlike Rick and Neil who are using pickaxes, Vyvyan is using his head whilst wearing a helmet.)

Neil: Oh, sorry, Vyv.

[Vyvyan slowly stands up only to have the pickaxe right through his head.]

Vyvyan: (calmly) That's ok, Neil. It was bound to happen... sooner or later (faints).

Title Card: Underneath the Staircase: A Look at Everyday Life Beneath the Stairs

Cloth: Oh dear me, ma'am. I know it's our job to look after the young gentlemen as best we can, but I can't help but feel Young Master Neil do treat us very rough sometimes.

Brush: And so he should, young Lucy, for we love it. The complete negation of our personalities, the mind numbing servility, and the eighteen-hour day, and we expect no reward but a staircase over our heads.

Polish Spray: Oh yes, the personal abuse is our lot. And the further back you go, the better it was!

Brush: Now, everyone, the masters are coming downstairs to beat us. Not a peep out of you. Best behaviour, or you'll have me to answer to!

Mike: Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.

Alexei: [the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?

Mike: You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?

Alexei: Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.

Mike: It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.

Rick: I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.

Neil: [despondently] Oh, uh. Ok Rick. [Audience awws]

Rick: What?

Neil: What?

Rick: What did you just say?

Neil: Huh?

Rick: You just called me a bastard didn't you!

Mike: Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.

Vyvyan: [to audience] By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil.

Boring [1.3]

Rick:: What are you doing, Vyvyan?

Vyvyan:: I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.

Rick:: Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan: Why not?

Rick: It's only nine words.

Vyvyan: [writing] Corn...flakes!

Rick:: [to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?

Suggs:: You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.

Rick:: [taken aback] I'll go sit over there...

Rick: Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!

Neil: Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!

Vyvyan's Mum: Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Vyvyan: Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...

Policeman 2: That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.

Policeman 1: Yeah. Yeah, that's a laugh.

Papa Bear: Who's been gobbing in my lentils?

Mama Bear and Baby Bear: Yes! Who's been gobbing in our lentils?

Papa Bear: Sod it. Let's go to McDonald's.

Mama Bear and Baby Bear: Yes!

Rick: Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?

Vyvyan: That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.

Rick: What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.

Vyvyan: You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!

[Vyvyan does just that.]

Rick: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!

Vyvyan: Mike?

Mike: No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.

Rick: In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!

Vyvyan: But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!

Rick: Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.

Vyvyan: Good one!

Rick: Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!

Vyvyan: I WAS BORED!

Mike: It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.

Bomb [1.4]

Rick: Pollution, all around. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But always around. Pollution are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution, but we're both using petrol... bombs.

[While in the bathroom, Rick shouts through the wall to Vyvyan who is still in bed in his room.]

Rick: Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodorant? There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine!

Vyvyan: How d'you know?

Rick: Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit.]

Vyvyan: Not the ones on your bum you can't. Could be off your bum.

Rick: Oh, and I suppose you think being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vyvyan? Well, it's not!

Vyvyan: Look, it's probably a hamster hair. He was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over.

S.P.G.: And was I consulted, pally? How d'you think I feel stinking like a student's armpit?

Rick: It's stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, and if you ever touch it again, EVER, I'm going to the police. I will, you know. I will go to the police!

[Vyvyan punches his fist through the wall to flip Rick a two fingered a salute.]

Rick: Gotchya Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes!

Vyvyan: Well, I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.

Rick: Why, what are you, a spazzy?

Vyvyan: No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.

Rick: But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!

Vyvyan: That's a completely brilliant idea, Mike. I've been waiting for this for a long time!

(Right Bleedin' Bastard sees the television cable hanging out of Vyv's mouth)

Mr Bastard: Ah ha! So you do have a... you little runt!

Vyvyan: [waving] Hello.

Mr Bastard: The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick ya.

Vyvyan: [pointing at the cable] It's a toaster.

Mr Bastard: It's a telly, you yobbo. Give it back, I wanna nick ya!

Mike: Mr Bastard! Mr Bastard! Toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private property and if they get damaged in any way we sue.

Mike: I'm waiting for that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.

Neil: Well, they better hurry up... coz Vyvyan's escaped...

[Right on cue, Vyvyan crashes through the kitchen wall on a wrecking ball trying to set off the bomb. He then enters the kitchen a moment later.]

Vyvyan: Missed!

Interesting [1.5]

Rick: Ok! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? [No-one is paying attention] Ok! [The song plays quietly. Two policemen run in and smash the record player]

Policeman 1: Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining!

Dr. Jim Morrison: Wow, what is this? Tobacco or... Pink Floyd?

Rick: That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.

Anarchist: Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.

Rick: Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em?

Anarchist: I mean a police car, you terminal wally!

Rick: [trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?

Vyvyan: [pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!

Rick: [laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!

Rick: Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!

Vyvyan: Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?

Rick: Yes.

Vyvyan: [mock sympathy] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry Rick, I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!

[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]

Vyvyan: My potion! My potion as well.

Neil: What potion?

Vyvyan: It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!

Neil: [Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?

Vyvyan: Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!

Neil: [with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!

Rick: Yes, I bet that too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]

(When Rick is asking who ate his apple.)

Vyvyan: What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?!

Rick: If he's anything like you, YES! Did you take it, Mike?

Mike: Well, if you're gonna sin you might as well be original.

Rick: What's that supposed to mean?

Mike: I don't know.

(When Vyvyan visits Narnia and sees the White Witch and the driver, Shirley.)

Witch: Come, sit next to me, child. [Vyvyan sits on the sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. Eurgh! Who's farted?

Vyvyan: It's not me!

Shirley: That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity!

Vyvyan: Who says?

Shirley: For a month!

Vyvyan: Who says?!

Shirley: [weakly] She does.

Witch: I did not! That's a lie, Shirley!

Vyvyan: 'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'?

Shirley: It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!

Vyvyan: Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'!

Witch: Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child?

Vyvyan: Not particularly. You got any kebabs?

Mike: Hey, Neil.

Neil: Yes, Mike?

Mike: Come over here.

Neil: You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?

Mike: No, I don't.

Neil: Oh.

Mike: Where's my breakfast?

Vyvyan: Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!

Rick: This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"

[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]

Rick: And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]

Pack of matches: Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.

[After the guys kill a loose sock]

Mike: Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!

Vyvyan: We can't Mike.

Mike: Why not?

Vyvyan: Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.

Mike: Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.

[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]

"Rick": [Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.

"Rick": Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!

"Vyvyan": [grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!

"Mike": [Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!

"Vyvyan": Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!

["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]

"Neil": Right, let's go.

[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]

Vyvyan: Cor! That was quick!

[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]

Vyvyan: Oi!

[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]

Rick: I've told you a million times, do not exaggerate!

Washing Machine: [spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!

Neil: Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!

Washing Machine: [opens up] Phwoar!

Vyvyan: Now!

[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open.]

Rick: Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?

Neil: Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!

Mike: Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.

[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]

Vyvyan's head: Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!

Guard: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."

Neil: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?

Guard: Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?

Vyvyan: It's my mascot!

Guard: A pig?

Vyvyan: No!

Guard: It is.

Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.

Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.

Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.

Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?

Vyvyan: Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.

Mike: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.

Rick: Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]

Mike: Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!

[Neil is crying softly]

Rick: Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?

Neil: I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...

Vyvyan: Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.

Neil: That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".

Neil: [gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?

Bambi: So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.

Rick: Well, are you going to let us win?

Bambi: No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]

[The guys are now on University Challenge]

Bambi: Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...

[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]

Bambi: ...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.

Kendal Mintcake: Hi!

Bambi: And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...

Mike: Hello.

Bambi: Prick... [A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name] Vyvyan... and Neil.

Neil: Vegetable rights and peace.

[The game begins.]

Bambi: So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...

[Neil buzzes in]

Voice-over: Scumbag, Neil.

Neil: Er, can I go to the toilet, please?

Bambi: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five-point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...

[Lord Monty buzzes in]

Voice-over: Footlights, Monty.

Lord Monty: Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?

Bambi: Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?

Lord Monty: Certainly, will £50 do?

Bambi: Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

Lord Snot: Battle of Bannockburn!

Bambi: Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.

[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]

Neil: Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.

Bambi: Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.

Neil: Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.

[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]

Bambi: So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?

[Mike buzzes in]

Voice-over: Scumbag, Mike.

Mike: Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.

Vyvyan: I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!

Bambi: Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?

[Mike buzzes in again]

Mike: Toxteth O'Grady.

Bambi: Correct, five points.

Vyvyan: [to Mike] You bum-bag!

Bambi: The world's stupidest bottom burp?

[Neil buzzes in]

Neil: Rick, Britain!

Bambi: Correct, five points.

Rick: It is not!

Bambi: And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?

[Rick buzzes in]

Rick: It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!

[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]

Doctor: Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.

Elephant: Very good.

Doctor: Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...

[End credits roll as he is talking]

Cash [2.2]

Mike: Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?

Rick: Um, between my legs.

Vyvyan: [takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.

Rick: Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.

Vyvyan: What a revolting thought!

Mike: This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!

Vyvyan: Oh, certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]

Rick: You Bastards! That's my record player!

Mike: You said it was your record player!

Vyvyan: No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!

Mike: Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick.

Rick: Yes, it is now give it back!

Vyvyan: Ok!

[Hands back to him a burnt piece of his record player, to which Rick whines and hands it back to Vyvyan. He places it on the fire again.]

Rick: My parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!

Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!

Rick: That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...

Mike: Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!

Rick: Yes well never mind all that now, I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...(Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg) oowww!!!

Vyvyan: Looks like supper's ready! (watches as Neil is trying to hammer the plates to the table) Neil, we're not having broken crockery again, that's my recipe.

Neil: I'm not cooking Vyvyan, i'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.

Vyvyan: Neil is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table. I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid Hippy.

Neil: No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down.

Rick: What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?

Neil: That's not important Rick.

Rick: Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.

Vyvyan: Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car.

Rick: All right we'll have to use them then.

Vyvyan: No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?

Rick: No no no better idea, we'll go out there!

Vyvyan: Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)

Neil: No, wait guys guys, what about my scary story?

Vyvyan: Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!

Rick: Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil.

Vyvyan: No, that's no good, my cassette's bust!

Rick: Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us.

Vyvyan: No, good either i've only got two seats.

Neil: I could go in the boot?

Vyvyan: No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?

Neil: Oh right yeah.

Mike: Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear)

Neil: Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.

Vyvyan: Brilliant!

Rick: Squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.

Neil: Well... (Rick interrupts him)

Rick: Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?

Neil: That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means?

Vyvyan & Rick: Yeah, it means.. (Neil stops them)

Neil: No! Yeah! It means we've got a polterghoost!!

MIke: Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing.

Rick: Yeah don't be such a spasbo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.

Neil: Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?

Rick: Er...

Vyvyan: Erm well, I did that actually, like this (pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on.) See! Corr, Mike's floating!! Hows that done then?

Vyvyan: Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".

Neil: Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?

Rick: Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?

Neil: Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?

Mike: Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?

Neil: It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".

Rick: Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?

Neil: His beard.

Mike: He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.

Neil: Right, ok, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."

Rick: Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Mike: The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]

Vyvyan: QUICK! GET THE STIRRUPS! I'M GONNA HAVE MY BABY NOW!

Rick: [Screaming hysterically] I AM NOT! GETTING! AGGRESSIVE!

Neil: [Calmly, staring at Rick] You are, Rick. I can sense it.

Vyvyan: [clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!

Neil: I still don't understand. I still don't understand. Does that mean we've got one or not?

Woman: Do you dig graves?

Neil: Yeah, yeah, they're alright, yeah.

Rick: Neil, the bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite Junta.

Vicar: What-ho, I'm the vicar.

Vyvyan: Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress.

Vicar: [pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?

Vyvyan: [rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has.

Vicar: Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]

Rick: Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?

Vicar: My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....

Sayle: People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!

[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]

Vyvyan: I hate him.

Neil: (Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.

Rick: Well, he's got no talent.

Mike: Alexei who?

Vyvyan: I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!

Neil: He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!

Mike: Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!

Vyvyan: But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!

Rick: Bags not Vyv!

Neil: [Confused] Bags not... Neil?

Vampire: [Having being lit up by sunlight] Oh, no! I've forgotten about the time difference between here and Johannasburg! Arrrgh! Arrrgh!

Harry the Bastard: You owe me five hundred quid.

Vyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike: Well, what a complete bastard!

Time [2.4]

Neil: You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?

Rick: Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.

Mike: Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.

Vyvyan: I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?

Rick: What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?

Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!

Rick: You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...

Neil: What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.

Rick: Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!

(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)

Rick:(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.

Vyvyan: Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.

Neil: Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.

Vyvyan: Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...

Neil: No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.

Rick: It was incredible. We did everything.

Mike: [Recording with a tape recorder] Like what?

Rick: Umm, everything. At one point, she even took her bra off! So I took off my dungarees...

[Vyvyan promptly throws up.]

Helen: I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.

Vyvyan, Mike & Neil: (Look at Rick) Eh?

Rick: No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?

Helen: Were you? You weren't when I woke up.

Neil: Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.

Ben Elton: So that's settled. We'll organise a protest against school uniforms!

Spaz: Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organised, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.

Ben Elton: Good idea. I'll get Mucka, Ducka, Trucka and Sucka, and you get Spaz.

Spaz: But I am Spaz!

Ben Elton: Oh. I better get him as well then. Come on!

[They run into a teacher.]

Spaz: Oh! Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were just on our way to...

Mr. Liberal: Now hang on you pair of scruffy tear-aways. Don't you realise that the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?

Ben Elton: Oh, come on, sir. We're the only kids in Britain who never say f-

Neil's Mother: You must be joking! I don't watch that ghastly programme!

Neil's Father: I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.

Neil's Mother: Oh, yes. That's the one.

Vyvyan: [Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!

Mike: That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.

Rick: Well you can shut up now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well shut up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!

Vyvyan: Rick, I just did!

Rick: Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!

Neil: And me, I love her too!

Neil's Father: Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.

Vyvyan: Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!

Mike: Ah, well. Boing!

(Jumps in the air and motions Rick and Vyvyan to do the same. The two exchange looks before following suit.)

Rick & Vyvyan: (Jumping) Boing!

[Rick is lying in bed, looking nervous after he believed he killed Neil. His conscience starts speaking to him.]

Conscience: Rick... Rick... this is the voice of your conscience speaking.

Rick: No! No! It wasn't me. It was, er, Vyvyan and Mike. They did it and I'm going to tell on them as well!

Conscience: They didn't bloody well do it! It was you!

Rick: Oh, God! Whose side are you on?!

Conscience: Not bloody yours, matey!

Rick: Get out of my head, pooh-hole!

Conscience: Ha! Ha! Ha! Try and make me, farty breath!

[From the other room.]

Vyvyan: Rick, will you tell your conscience to keep its voice down?! I'm trying to get some sleep!

Summer Holiday [2.6]

Vyvyan: Do you think ants go to discos?

Mike: Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society. The last thing they go to would be discos.

Vyvyan: Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then?

Mike: There's a very good reason for that.

Vyvyan: What?

Mike: You're talking crap.

Neil: [on his final exam] It was terrible. I sat in the big hall and put my packet of polos on the desk, and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and my extra pen, and my extra polos and my lucky gonk, and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker and three more gonks with a packet of polos in each, and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil, and my spare lead for my retractable pencil, and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks and the guy said "Stop writing please."!

Rick: Oh yes, Mike, your tutor asked me to tell you that if you don't start turning up to class next September, then he and the Dean are going to have to seriously reconsider your grant.

Mike: Well, you can tell my tutor that I've still got the photos of him and the Dean.

Mike: [Having just knocked out Neil with a cricket bat] What's a hippie worth then, a six?

Vyvyan: Six? It would have been worth six if you'd killed him, Mike. Let's call it two.

Mike: Fair enough.

Rick: Don't think I don't know exactly who drew that thingy-ma-jig on the back on my curriculum vitae.

Vyvyan: Well, they like to know what your hobbies are, Rick.

Rick: Well, all I can say Vyvyan, is that tiny things please tiny minds.

Vyvyan: Yeah, and with a thing that tiny you're gonna be hard put to please anything!

Mike: Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?

Neil: Well, because it's my birthday, Mike.

Mike: Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?

Vyvyan: Rick, shut up, or I'll tell everybody in this room that you've got an iron-on cartoon worm on the front of your Y-fronts that says "Girl Bait".

Rick: Oh! So you've been going through my Y-fronts, have you, Vyvyan? I suppose you fancy me, is that it?

Vyvyan: Yes! As a matter of fact, I do, Rick! I really, really fancy you! And I wanna give you a big girly kiss on the bottom!

Vyvyan: (Shouting backstage to Kate Bush) Back in a tickle, Katy baby! HA HA! I've just gotta do this number one song with Shaky Stevens. Right, good evening, bastards!

Neil: What d'you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!

Cliff: (singing) # Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. #

Mike, Vyvyan, Rick, Neil: (singing) # fies my soul! #

Vyvyan: "Fies my soul"?

Rick: Yes, "fies my soul". It's raunchy, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan: Hey, Cliff! I've just invented a great new sound.

[Strange clicking noises are heard.]

Neil: Ow!

Mike: Untie Neil's legs, Vyvyvan.

Cliff: Settle down, chaps.

Vyvyan: Neil, d'you wanna hear a great new joke?

Neil: Oh, yeah. Ok.

Vyvyan: Rick, I'd get out of the way if you don't wanna get seriously hurt. Right, what d'you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?

Neil: I dunno, what do you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?

Vyvyan: Get this, buster!

[He steps on a detonator and there's an explosion which appears to go horribly wrong as Vyvyan gasps in pain while holding his crotch.]

Neil: Oh, yeah. I get it. "Get this, buster!" Yeah, brilliant!

Rick: Is everyone happy? Vyvyan's whiffed out the theatre, blown his goolies off and you've stopped Cliff coming! Can we please just do the song?!

[While recording the flipside of the Living Doll record.]

Rick: Good morning, everybody. Let's make rock 'n' roll history.

Vyvyan: Oh, no. He's found us.

Rick: Hey, great gag telling me the recording studio was in Wales!

Neil: Oh, no. Guys, guys. I thought pop music was supposed to be about like... loving each other.

Mike: No, Neil, no, that's sex. Pop music's about making money.

Mike: Are we gonna sing this song or not?

Vyvyan: Yes, we are! But first... let's have a fight!

Vyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike: (singing) # All the little flowers are singing. All the little birdies are too, tweet tweet! Everything in the garden is happy and we hope you are too. If you're happy we're happy, ha ha! If you're sad we're sad, boo hoo! But now it's time to end this song coz it's so (bleep) bad! #