[THE WEEKLY READ]
Dear Cory Booker Clockers

Sen. Cory Booker plans to craft legislation that would remove the Capitol's statues lionizing supporters of the confederacy.

Dear Cory Booker Clockers:

I’m a bit reluctant to co-sign a politician, who at this point, I continue to place more faith in as a Marvel superhero than elected official. Nevertheless, Cory Booker has a point about everyone needing quit riding him like a bus and tend to their own business. Well, that should’ve been his point, but he is not in the position to convey such truths in such a plainspoken manner to you annoying wastes of intellectual space. Don’t worry, Cory. I’m happy to help.

There have been rumors about Cory Booker’s sexuality for years now. Such is the burden any single man of a certain age has to bear when he doesn’t have a wife, 2.3 children, and a dog named Iggy Pop by his mid to late 30s has to bear. With that in mind, it’s not at all shocking that once again, people are inquiring about whether the famed mayor would prefer missionary (the only kind of sex that seems to be deemed appropriate for people who hold public office) with Chris Brown or Christina Aguilera.

Anyway, his opponent for the New Jersey Senate, Steve Lonegan, told Newsmax that while he was unsure of Booker’s sexuality, wanted to make clear that: "As a guy, I personally like being a guy. I don't know if you saw the stories last year. They've been out for quite a bit about how he likes to go out at three o'clock in the morning for a manicure and a pedicure.”

Yes, because taming your feet means you might use Fleet…for fun.

Not to be outdone, "I don't like going out in the middle of the night, or any time of the day, for a manicure and pedicure. It was described as his peculiar fetish. I have a more peculiar fetish. I like a good Scotch and a cigar. That's my fetish but we'll just compare the two."

In other words, Steve Lonegan is a man’s man because he only wraps his mouth around “manly things.” I could go on, but I’ll just say that somewhere a village is missing its most prized idiot.

In response to this not-so-subtle presumed clock of his sexual orientation, Booker was invited to appear on All in With Chris Hayes and talk about how silly this all was. But, but, but, but: Chris Hayes then correctly pointed that with respect to the gay rights movement, coming out does much in the way of shepherding wider acceptance; ergo, if Cory Booker was indeed gay, why not just come out (on MSNBC)?

The Newark mayor said in response: “The question really should not be am I gay or straight. The question should be, why the heck are you asking the question in the first place? It doesn’t make a whit of difference what kind of senator I’m going to be or not.”

Booker went on: “I have affirmed my sexual orientation numerous times over the years. People in my local press world know exactly what that is.”

And on some more: “We need to stop in America talking about anybody in a public realm, besides what is important–the content of their character, the quality of their ideas, the courage within their hearts to serve others. That’s what’s important. My sexuality is not an issue right now.”

(Whew, did he lay it on ever thick with the “courage within their hearts to serve others” part or what?)

Cory Booker is correct in that he has stated he was straight several times in recent years. Even so, one wonders why in a Buzzfeed profile published earlier this year, Booker’s spokesman wouldn’t confirm his sexual orientation. Between that and his somewhat evasive response to Hayes, it keeps the issue, and thus national media attention on Cory Booker, somewhat alive. As much as it pains me to admit this, gay chasers, that kind of hula-hoop around the rumor helps your lost cause.

When Booker coverage isn’t fixated on if he likes boys or girls, it’s on whether or not he’s been eating too many vegan chocolate chip cookies. He’s happy to comment on that superfluous issue, too, but listen, unless he’s 500 pounds and condeming gays to hell by trying to get lucky on Jack’d, I don’t want to hear about any of this.

I’m sure it helps distract from more legitimatecriticisms from gaining traction, but if all parties involved are truly interested in being serious, stop treating this man as if he’s damn Kardashian.

Trolls who want to make alleged gayness a campaign issue: fall under an Acme anvil. Team Booker: stop feeding and playing footsie with the trolls. Now go forth and be serious, the whole lot of y’all.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at@youngsinick.