6 Lessons Learned From This Year’s Superbowl Commercials

Every year on Superbowl Sunday, America’s biggest brand-names spend millions of dollars to teach viewers something about their products. Usually, the lesson is something like Doritos are awesome, or that if you buy a Chrysler, Clint Eastwood will personally fix America. However, some this year’s best advertisements went deeper and taught us life lessons for being real men.

1. Don’t fight a farmer. They are superhuman.

God created a race of beings that look like us and dress like us, but outperform us in every way. They are known as farmers. Don’t pick a fight with one in a bar, unless you want an archangel knuckle sandwich.

2. A man can pine for an animal, as long as it’s a beer horse.

It’s weird for a guy to get super emotional over a cat or even a dog. However, a Clydesdale that pulls kegs of beer…that’s a different story. Swap that horse out for Rachel McAdams and you have “The Notebook.”

3. A bad Jamaican accents will help you succeed in business.

Dave from Minnesota isn’t just some guy who found his inner islander in his Volkswagen, he’s patient zero of the best disease ever. Symptoms include change in accent, a laid back and friendly demeanor, and a lack of interest in bumbaclot things like bad vibes and frowns.

4. An Afro will make you a successful NFL rookie.

We all know Deion Sanders can’t run the 40 in 4.2 anymore, so it must be the Afro, right?

5. You can start a cult with some salsa and Joe Montana.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be splattering salsa on all my clothes and planning the layout of the compound for me and my flock.

6. Everything you know about human reproduction is a lie.

Babies are in fact a highly advanced space-faring race that routinely makes an arduous one way interstellar journey to Earth, where they can live a simpler life of crapping in their pants and crying all day. Don’t worry about birth control if you can successfully dodge aliens dropping into your car.