I went for a Honey Scrub, which frankly, was over so quickly I didn’t even know it was over until I smelt the cucumber mask the therapist applied on me. When I looked down on my body, I resembled a fully seasoned chicken waiting to go into the oven. Hey, you know? I think a spa therapist would be THE perfect job for closet lezzies. I mean, where else can you ogle and molest your life away, and not get screams of protest. You actually get moans of pleasure when you hit that achy spot right there. On the back lah. Meantime, if the feelings’ mutual, you can get the both of you off, since her legs are spread open on the table like sacrificial lamb anyway.

One of the world’s worst situation : Being all wrapped up (including hands and legs), mummified like a vietnamese rice spring roll – and then getting an itchy scalp. It was sheer torture, I tell you, trying to ignore that itch, trying to imagine myself in a rainforest (piped-in muzak, no choice), trying to ignore the itch further when the itchy area spread from left to centre. I felt every open pore on my body come alive trying to free my arms from the wrap so that I could tear my scalp off. I must have fainted with relief when my therapist opened the doors to save me. Strangely, once I was released from the popiah skin, my scalp didn’t itch anymore.

I didn’t get a steam bath in the end because “If you do scrub, cannot steam. Wait your pores enlarge. Only if you paid $38 topup for full body massage then got steambath.” Then why the hell was it included in my voucher? “Oh I think the person who did the voucher made a mistake. So would you like to sign up for our package? 12 sessions only $2000, very affordable.” Fake smile. Well, if you were an establishment that focused on customer service, you would have, first of all, explained all that to the customer before she went for the treatment. You could also have offered a subtitute for the treatment she was fully entitled for since it was PAID for.

You know those dramatical protrayal on comedies of how service staff change their expressions when they realise you’re actually not a potential customer? I saw it real life when I declined to sign up for their package. From fake smile to disdain in a matter of nanoseconds. After that, the ‘spa consultant’ didn’t even listen to a word I say cuz she didn’t see the need to look at me anymore. If you don’t believe me, come borrow her namecard from me and go try it yourself.

I think everyone should try to go to a spa at least once a year to feel pampered and all that. It’s fun, relaxing, and you get to expose yourself.