BREAKING: Rising GOP Star Commits Political Suicide

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) has sadly taken his own very promising political life by agreeing to accept former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s offer to serve as his Vice Presidential running mate in the November general election.

Congressman Ryan was 42.

Ryan, who first recklessly jeopardized his career in 2010 by proposing a budget that would, among other things, turn Medicare into a voucher program as well as cut discretionary domestic spending by 20% without specifying from where any of the cuts would come, was the favorite of many in his party to not only have run for President in this election — but when it became apparent that every serious Republican candidate chose to concede the election to incumbent Barack Obama by leaving the field of prospective candidates open enough for a lightweight like Gov. Romney to secure the nomination — was expected to be one of the GOP front runners for President had he chosen to run in the 2016 election — in spite of his tender age.

Congressman Ryan was eulogized on both sides of the aisle as a shining star who burned brightly, but for far too short a time.

“As low as I’ve ever felt, and as low as I’ve ever been accused of being, I’ve never felt lower than I feel today,” lamented House Speaker John Boehner, “His budget had obviously been a cry for help — and we all missed it. As leader, I must accept responsibility for the tragic loss of such a promising young man, and someone who may very well, had he lived long enough, have carried the mantle in our Party’s crusade to return to the Gilded Age of the late 19th century.”

The Bronze Clod continued, “As Republicans, our concern is not so much with Paul’s family, but rather with the future of the party. The loss of one of the very few credible candidates that we might have been able to put up in 2016 is absolutely devastating, and I for one ask the entire nation to join me in prayer to help preserve our two-party system.”

Many leading Democrats were also effusive in their praise of Rep. Ryan while expressing their mourning of his loss.

“Paul was never afraid to express his views, and unlike others in his party, he made his disdain for the elderly, the poor, and minorities clear in both his policies and in the budget he proposed in his role as chairman of the Budget Committee,” said Rep. Kathy Hochul, who was propelled to victory in her 2011 special election over her Republican opponent by the Ryan budget. “I think I speak for all Democrats when I say that Paul, and what he consistently brought to the table and Congressional deliberations, will be sorely missed, particularly over the next couple of election cycles.”