What state do you live in op?
I went through something similar as a teen 20 years ago. Unfortunately the outcome was me leaving school partway through year 11. I did go on to do night classes to get into Uni and everything worked out well but school was definitely not the right environment for me at all.
Your DD has an eating disorder. Binge eating, laxatives, weight obsession, dysmorphia. I think you are right that the anxiety is probably a manifestation of bigger issues. Or the eating disorder is a manifestation of the anxiety. It would be great if you could get DD assessed by an eating disorder clinic and treated by these specialists as they will have a thorough understanding of the interplay between eating disorder-anxiety-depression and used to dealing with young women with these issues so may be able to develop rapport and get her talking more which is the first step.
For me the eating disorder was a manifestation of depression and anxiety feeling lost, not fitting in and out of control. The eating disorder was about control and order and something to focus on and hurt myself with. It was a very painful few years. Even now in times of extreme stress (eg when I got divorced) the first thing that goes is food and anxiety swells up. I feel for you. I feel for what my parents went through and how helpless they felt. I have a baby DD and I hope so deeply that she never feels the feelings I had.
Please don't force her to go to school. Your daughter is scared and hurting and it's very real to her and she can't just snap out or switch it off. I wish I could have but c'est la vie. School is not the be all and end all there are other ways she can complete/further her education. Focus on getting her the help she needs and I strongly think it should start with an eating disorder clinic/specialist psychiatrist in this field. Your local public hospital/children's hospital should be equipped to help with this.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has really touch me. We are in Tasmania. We have been to the states eating disorder clinic Clair house. They did not help us. Part of the reason was dd would not talk to then about any of her real issues. Dd kept getting migraines that had her missing appointments

she still continued to see a paediatrician and than Dd managed to convince us all she was better so we stopped going to Clair house. It was also a 100km round trip so going there as well as many antinatal appointments for a high risk pregnancy it was easy for us to stop going.

big mistake because she was far from ok. I tried to go back but they told me Id need a new referal and their waiting times were huge. I than had a baby and got a bit lost in looking after the baby. Dd also did not tell us the extent of things.

Eating disorders are really tricky because more often than not, those that have one (or more) aren't always interested in "getting better".
ED's are more about control than they are about being thinner. She is telling you she wants to lose another 5-6 kilos, but what tends to happen is that when someone with an ED reaches their goal weight, they decide on another one and continue that cycle until they're extremely sick. It sounds like you DD can't control what's happening around her, so controlling what she eats helps. Even though, in reality it's the ED controlling her. The social anxiety fuels the ED and the ED fuels the social anxiety.

I think right now, the best course of action is that rather than have her see a professional when she refuses to talk, you see a professional to discuss the best ways to tackle what's going on. If she talks to you about what is going on inside her head, you can relay that to the counselor and maybe make some progress on how you can help her in the way she needs.

As for your mum...don't listen to her. In therapy, when a professional encourages a patient to face what causes their anxiety it is in a controlled environment, with the permission of that patient. Throwing her into a situation she isn't ready to face can cause more harm than good.

if you're concerned about her falling behind in school, is there any way she could do part of all of year 11 by distance education/home school?

agree with the PPs that keeping her safe right now is a higher priority than making sure she is in school. but if she could do home schooling or something similar, it could mean she is able to recover in a safe environment. if she has such anxiety, how much will she be really taking in in a classroom setting anyway?

Just to give a bit of an update. I think the medication may be working, Dd went to school Thursday this week She did have Friday of but she assures me she will go next week. The new school is great they are treated like adults (it is a secondary collage).

She has not met her goal weight but doesn't seem to care as much about it. I am not overly keen on the medication I think it has made her a little Aggressive, the dr says that she is just more sure of herself now. Dd also says that she is not liking it that much because she finds it hard to feel happy now and she has not written a song since she has been on the tablets and that is a big concern for her because it is who she is and it relaxes her, i am bias but she is a very talented musician. I hope she won't need the meds long term but at least she is going to school.

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