Yet another edict from the editor causes uproar in the 'rank and file'.

Yet another edict from the editor causes uproar in the 'rank and file'. We print it in full as there is absolutely no chance she will know we've done it.

MEMO: TO ALL

Friday, July 18

Right you lot, I really am going on holiday for a week. Naturally, I expect all the newspapers and hounslowchronicle.co.uk to be perfect in my absence. But, most importantly, NOTHING must happen to Clive while I'm off.

On my return I do not expect to see a shrivelled, dehydrated Clive, or an empty upside-down tub in the car park. Before leaving I gave Clive a feed and watering which will take it through the weekend.

But first job on Monday, even if a plane does a perfect emergency landing on top of the office, or David Beckham pops in for a cup of tea on his way to sign for Brentford FC, is another good watering.

Do not put in a 'help call' to IT or HR, assume Helen at reception is in charge, or dump the task on photographic just because they are nearest the door.

I'm expecting the staff to bond and come up with an innovative rota to ensure the continued well-being of Clive. That means not just daily watering but also putting Clive outside during the day and bringing it back in at night.

What's more, remember to eat the ripe tomatoes. We don't want them rotting on the branch and then splattering over the foyer carpet.

Those of you who, rather unhelpfully, suggested I was a control freak when we held our little one-to-one PDR sessions, must now accept this is not the case. If I trust you with Clive for a week then clearly I'm happy to share all manner of things.

Additional Notes:

Web Editor Lucy Proctor: You wouldn't happen to have a portable webcam, would you? Just a thought, but if you did rig one up I could keep an eye on things and check that people were obeying the instructions above.