"There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible." -Auberon Waugh

Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

A woman, being very upset that her husband had just died, paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit, she remembered he always hated the color brown. She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses, she returned to the building, and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out: "Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5! "

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.