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Friday, February 15, 2013

I have refrained from writing so far this season because the NHL Lockout completey sapped my enthusiasm for The Cup victory (and subsequent celebrations), the LA Kings, and hockey in general. Of course, I will always LOVE hockey and my Kings, but I was and still am so pissed off at the NHL Commissioner, owners, and players. I have no idea who to hate more or who to blame for half a season of hockey, so instead my disgust is dispersed evenly among everyone. In the end, I have to remember the NHL is a business and the owners need to be able to at least try and turn a profit and the players have their right to be paid what they are worth (or what they think they are worth; hey, I'm sure all of us at one point bitched about our salary and benefits). However, I am most upset that a new agreement took as long as it did. I think it is incredibly inexcusable that all involved parties could not come to an agreement before the season should have started. It makes me wonder: why the heck do I love a business this much?

As much as I love hockey and the LA Kings, I have decided not to buy any tickets to games this season. That Drew Doughty jersey I've been pining over for the past several seasons? It can wait. In fact, I was going to put a moratorium on all spending this season, but I couldn't pass up the chance to purchase this gaudy bastard:

The Cup ring is so awesome it ate my wedding ring AND engagement ring.

Well worth the $25.

I wouldn't have gotten it at all if it hadn't been for my hermano's burning desire to have one himself. I didn't even know such an item existed until he texted me one day asking if I could stop by the Team LA Store to get him one (and he even offered to pay for mine). Unfortunately, I was out of town for the next few days and, of course, all things Stanley quickly sold out. Thankfully the Kings re-stocked their store and my hermano was heading to the next game so he bought four. FOUR! Seriously, after the initial text conversation I was beginning to worry he was going to turn into the Hulk and race up the 110 in a fit of rage determined to get his hands on a replica Cup ring, which actually looks nothing like the actual LA Kings Stanley Cup ring (am I the only one bothered by this??? I'm not even talking about the diamonds. Where is the huge Kings logo?). Anyway, I'm still happy with the ring and my hermano is definitely happy. He doesn't have to troll ebay. He doesn't have to fret over buying a counterfeit. Yes, these were all concerns he had.

And about that half season of hockey? Yeah, it sure does look like the season started haphazardly. Glad to see most of the Kings kept their Cup celebrations going during the lockout as opposed to training for the eventual start to the season. A lot of the games have been a wee bit painful to watch. The Kings will be lucky to make it into the playoffs this year......wait, I seem to recall saying that last year.

Bob talking about Teemu being 42 and still rocking.Wife asked if he’s the one Duck I actually
like.Yes, it’s really difficult not to
like Teemu, especially if you were collecting hockey cards back in the day and
was stoked to get a Teemu Upper Deck rookie card.

Sweet giveaway by Nolan on the 2 on 1.Come on, Nolan, just rip it, like your fists.

I’d like to modify Bob Miller’s pronunciation of Jonathan
Bernier to “Beyrn-neeyay.”

Hiller giving up the juiciest rebound off Kopitar’s shot –
and just stays in the butterfly, waiting for Brown to shoot it.Jim Fox calls Hiller’s movement “calm and
relaxed” – I call it “Derrrrrrrpppp…”

Penner has been absolutely
invisible since drawing that penalty in the first period.So has Lewis, Clifford, Carter, and Fraser
(not surprising).

Kopitar with a rare two-penalty
game.Not his finest effort to say the
least.I think he’s just pissed that
Bobby Ryan hasn’t said Hello since the puck dropped in the first period.

Sutter with a classic
open-mouthed blank stare from the bench – I think he’s wondering who’s that guy
with the white mask in the Kings’ net.

[resisting all urges to comment
on Anaheim’s power play…]

My buddy’s girlfriend was a
Ducks fan.I’m so glad they broke up.

And there it is – what a
joke.Bernier stopping the first shot
and our defense completely unaware that it’s their job to clear the rebound.

Sweet, the Kings have called a “hat
trick timeout” to find out what the fuck is going on.

My god, those are some BOOTY
SHORTS on that Ice Girl!Might have to take
a bathroom break right now.

Bernier Analysis – When our
defense lets quick forwards blow by them on the wing, Bernier challenges that
forward by coming out of his crease, moving laterally.The problem is that he’s not quick enough to
recover should the forward slide the pass back to the slot.We haven’t been burned yet, but this might
come back to burn us.

Penner with a shitty
penalty.Sutter should just tell him to
go straight to the locker room.The Tale
of Two Penners continues.Can someone
tell him that the playoffs start next week?While you’re at it, can someone tell Brown that there are trade rumors
floating around?Thanks.

Bobby Ryan really selling that
slewfoot.

Patrick O’Neal with the NHL
injury report.Michael Chiklis and some
skinny Asian dude in the background.

Scuderi with a monster block
that probably would’ve shattered a normal person’s leg into a billion shards.

Do you want to know why our
penalty kill is sucking balls?The
penalty kill is all about putting pressure on the puckholder – which requires
the killers to skate hard and force bad passes.“Active sticks” is what Jim Fox likes to call it.Unfortunately, the Kings look like they ran
marathons right before the game.

Drewiske, after taking a puck
to the face, shaking it off like a man.

Bernier almost getting schooled
by Selanne while holding the V-H position.

And just like that, there’s six
minutes left.Hiller doesn’t really
deserve this win – instead of a “W” the statistician should give Hiller a “PiN”
– Participated in Net.

Ducks are playing “prevent D”
right now.

Doughty with a monster shot, blocked
by Allen (in the back!) – were it anyone else, they’d be paralyzed.

Well, unless Nolan unleashes
some more NOLANFISTS, that’s it for tonight.

Final thoughts:

Kings looked winded and, at
times, drunk.The first period was a joke
and we were flat-out lucky to keep it respectable throughout the entire game
(until Bonino’s hat trick).Our defense
is atrocious and we were completely exposed by forwards taking it behind the
net with speed and finding the creeping forward at the top of the crease.Hiller sucks, so that’s a relief, but he was
better than Quick/Bernier.This is
another one of those “sleep it off and skate hard in practice tomorrow morning”
type of games.What a joke – these are
the Stanley Cup Champions?I keep having
to remind myself that we’re fielding essentially the same fucking team (minus
Greene and Mitchell – HUGE losses at the blue line) as we did last June.It’s not like Chicago, who had to blow up
their team after they won.It’s the same
guys sucking wind, failing to clear pucks, failing to block shots (except for
Doughty and Drewiske’s face), failing to pick up the crashing forward, taking
stupid offensive penalties, and just quitting.

We’ll see what kind of team
shows up on Tuesday in Columbus.

Things I’m thankful for: Not
having to listen to Brian Hayward for 3 hours.

Oh man, Bobby Ryan and Kopitar “texting every day since
they’ve been back [from Sweden]” – awwww, that’s sooooo sweet.I’m thinking they should buy each other those
awesome 2” x 3” Valentine’s Day cards and include some “Be Mine” sweethearts
candy.Shit, Valentine’s Day is
approaching – time to get serious.

Damn, it’s the “DAVE” commercial.I never saw that ginger-Dave on “These are
the Daves I know” from Kids and the Hall, so I refuse to acknowledge
ginger-Dave’s existence.

I don’t get it – Jim Fox and Bob Miller CONSTANTLY flash
their Stanley Cup Champions ring (as they should!), but Daryl Evans keeping it
bare.

(Second Period Starts)

Allll right, time to start the second period.Kings with the 5 on 3 advantage for the next
50 seconds.In other words, time for the
Kings to shoot the puck wide for the next 50 seconds.

What a beauty.Brown
untouched in front and calmly collects the rebound.

Boudreau has to pull Hiller – he looks awful.On second thought, just kidding – don’t
listen!!!

Wow, Hiller still in net. Thanks!!!

Woah, Bob dropping the old-school “Mighty Ducks” line! I like how he chuckled after that gaffe.

Jesus, when was the last time Hiller collected a
rebound?Did someone tell Hiller during
warmups to cross his eyes, and then smacked Hiller in the back of the head?

I really think Bob Miller is LOVING the fact that Jon
Bernier is in net – mostly so he can use that faux French-Canadian accent in pronouncing
it “Ber-neeyay”…

Drewiske almost getting burned on a through-pass, but
saved by the linesman.

This game is getting dull – is Nolan out of the box yet?

Sloppy play by the Kings leading to a near scoring chance
on the wraparound and a terrible penalty by Kopitar.

Good to see Anaheim’s power play is worse than ours.

Man, I forgot how awesome Ber-neeyay is.Well, maybe it’s not so much him but his
white mask.

Fuck, shame on me for talking trash about Anaheim’s power
play.That one barely trickled in.My worst nightmare has come true – there has
been wayyyyy too much Bro Hymn lately.Seriously,
how did that one trickle in?Tuck that
armpit in, bro!

Well, if I’m Dean Lombardi, I’m keeping Bernier and
letting him go for nothing – Sutter isn’t going to start Bernier enough for
interested suitors to get a good idea of what they’re getting and, therefore,
won’t pay the price we’d want.So, F it –
let Bernier back up Quick the rest of the season and then set him free into the
wild.

Is it just me or is Carter just going through the
motions?

Doughty slamming his butt end into the floor – I’m loving
the intensity.Then again, it’s the only
display of intensity (other than NOLANFISTS) from this pathetic Kings
team.What a joke of a second
period.

Time to start knocking on Hiller again – although, before
I start, I think I’ll give him credit for being the first(?) goalie to rock the
gold cage.

Carter getting his helmet knocked off and then sweeping it
into Hiller’s net – that was awesome.Almost as awesome as the Kings giving up another gimme to Souray right
out of the box.Tie up that fucking
trailing forward, for fucks sake.

Wow, I haven’t seen a Kings goalie stickhandle with ease
since…

And just like that, Williams goes top cheese and we’re
tied!!!

My god, what a bounce – but it’s still Hiller’s fault for
not sealing the top shelf (or even the top HALF of the goal) off the post.

Annnnnnddddd, there’s the usual display of stickhandling
by a Kings goalie!Here’s hoping our
penalty kill unit blocks some shots this time around – rather, someone other
than Norris-contending Doughty.

Hey kids who are budding goaltenders: DO NOT pay attention
to anything Jonas Hiller is doing right now.

[resisting urge to talk shit about Anaheim’s power play…]

My god, I can’t believe I just did that – what a monster
shot by Palmieri (WHO? That’s definitely a deli meat).Shame on us for not clearing the puck when we
had the chance, again.

Well, if there’s one thing we’re really good at, it’s
making Hiller give up awful rebounds for goals…

I think someone switched Hiller’s contacts with contacts
to use at 3D movies.

Speaking of jinxing things, 2:26 to go in the second and
no requests to stop watching TV.This is
awesome.

Listen, if the Kings were coming off an OT thriller from
Friday night, I wouldn’t feel too bad about the way we’re skating.But we look slow, out of sync, and
pathetic.Only Hiller is saving us from
ourselves.

We’re live from the Hermano Spreewell household.The beauty of being married is that you live
with someone who has a much better memory.The over/under for when I’ll be drawn away from the game to complete
some long-forgotten chore is probably 6 minutes into the second period.

Thankfully, I don’t have to do the “pause the game, turn
on IHeartRadio, and attempt to sync the game with Nick Nickson and Daryl Evans”
veteran move, on account of Fox Sports showing the game on two channels.I’d like to thank everyone for petitioning
their Congressman for convincing Fox Sports that Kings fans would rather “watch”
the game on AM 1150 than listen to Bryan Hayward.Now I know how Lakers-haters feel about Mychal
Thompson.

We’re under way!

Woah, Penner with an early shot attempt (that went wide),
trying to show everyone he hasn’t lost any steam after sitting in the nose
bleeds for three straight games.

I see Sutter has rewarded Mike Richards for his beautiful
shootout goal by starting his line.

I’d better not hear Bro Hymn in the next three hours.Seriously, Warchild.Isn’t Pennywise from Hermosa?Shame on you, Orange County.

I hate the Ducks, but mostly for two reasons: (1) Brian
Hayward is the worst color commentator in the history of sports and (2) the
Ducks won the Cup before we did.That
last one really bugged me prior to June.

Sick save by Bernier, thanks to a sweet turnover by
Penner.I’ve got a man-boner for Bernier’s
white mask – reminds me so much of the old school “Jason” style masks.

I’m loving the tips we’re getting in front of the net –
if the Ducks allow us to stand untouched at the top of the crease, we’re gonna
get a few more… unless they block 200 shots like Nashville on Thursday.

Jesus, we are getting dominated down below.Fraser and Clifford, failing to pick up
Getzlaf at the top of the crease.Man,
he skated in UNTOUCHED.My guess is that
Fraser and Clifford didn’t want to get Getzlaf’s Hair-AIDS.

Drewiskie drawing a sweet interference penalty.I’m guessing Beauchemin told the ref “That
guy can’t even skate!”Interestingly, that’s
what the guys who play against my beer league hockey team say when we draw
penalties.

End of the first.Looking forward to 5:59 into the second period.More to follow…