The NFL Draft has begun, so it’s as good a time as ever to kick off the first KSK Commenter Draft of the season. While you’re waiting patiently for the second round to HURRY UP AND F*CKING START ALREADY you may have noticed another ridiculous display of pageantry going on in the world. That’s right, Prince William is getting married, and the lucky lady isn’t even his cousin. Weird. Anyway, we’re left wondering which American would make the ideal monarch, if we were in to that such things.

This week you’ll be drafting someone who you feel would make the perfect King or Queen of our great land. You can pick anyone you’d like as long as they’re American and they have the long form birth certificate to prove it. And not one of those fake ones George Soros prints up in his basement either. This person would wield no actual power, but instead serve as a symbol for America as a whole. Choose wisely, and remember to wait ten picks before selecting again.

Join The Discussion

King The Donald of the Trump. He already has the helicopter, thus saving us money.

04.29.11 at 9:57 am

laurie_in_tulsa

I hate to say it, but Oprah…she’s got the cash to pull it off

04.29.11 at 9:58 am

DeJoe LePete

King John Daly. Never has there been a truer American.

04.29.11 at 10:00 am

Alex

ME.

04.29.11 at 10:01 am

Peter King

Roger Goodell, of course. Are you aware he does them every morning? Sit-ups, that is. He also enjoys a nice cold Shock Top on his patio in the evening.

04.29.11 at 10:01 am

The KLM Line

I think Charley Sheen would make a great king

04.29.11 at 10:01 am

laurie_in_tulsa

King Charles Barkley, never a dull moment

04.29.11 at 10:01 am

DupinTM

All hail King Lebowski!

Jeff Bridges does those clean energy plugs for Michigan, plus his easy going style would disarm any jackass birther-types who rule the side who’d oppose him. That’s just like, their opinion, man. He’d save us all, balancing wars with white russians.

04.29.11 at 10:03 am

TyMo

King- Those two assholes that make the “Meet The Spartans” “________ Movie” flicks. Because if those dicks no longer had any power then maybe shit like that would go the fuck away.

Queen- Blake Lively. She can be my figure head any day.

04.29.11 at 10:04 am

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

Queen Gaga. If anyone can squelch those mouthy assholes from PETA, it’s her, preferably wearing a suit of armor made completely of crispy bacon.

04.29.11 at 10:05 am

The Dude

Roger Goodell.

Even without any actual power, The Ginger would solve all the world’s problems before even finishing his 20.000 morning crunches.
And PK could, at last, become the official court jester.

04.29.11 at 10:06 am

Tim

King Bill Clinton. Coolest. King. Ever.

04.29.11 at 10:10 am

Jacuzzi Pete

King- Me

Queen- Your Mom

04.29.11 at 10:12 am

dave

Simmons would be the best Prince.

NO ONE DENIES THIS

04.29.11 at 10:12 am

Deux Deux Deux

The King of America is Abe Vigoda. Ice T’s wife Coco is our Queen. He does terrible, terrible, sexy things to her.

04.29.11 at 10:12 am

Chest Rockwell

Not on topic, but Peter King just delivered the most Peter King-ish tweet ever. I think:

“FMQB, sort of, is up.”

04.29.11 at 10:13 am

PlayoffBeard

Brian Williams

Doesn’t take him self too seriously, but still has a clue what he’s talking about. We could send him around the world like Ben Franklin, and later hear of his sexual exploits.

04.29.11 at 10:13 am

Queen Stephanie

The Kennedys. And Tommy from Quinzee.

04.29.11 at 10:15 am

Noyam

Rex Ryan. We’d never lose another war.

04.29.11 at 10:16 am

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

King BEEF MOE.

04.29.11 at 10:19 am

TyMo

We should make Al Davis King. At the very least just to see what kind of fuck crazy Royal Decrees he would issue.

” Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Let it be know that, from this day forth, all men of stature that have the ability to run one furlong in 25 seconds or less shall be known as Raiders and shall take an oath to have a commitment to excellence. So sayeth the King!”

04.29.11 at 10:22 am

steeler fan in peru

King Obama. Sounds good. Since he wouldnt wield actual power it’d be perfect cause he’s not that good. Plus I can picture him smokin reefer in Hawaii and doin blow and keepin his pimp hand strong.

And give me Queen Jessica Alba. Cause she’s hot.

04.29.11 at 10:22 am

Mandy

Must it be a long-form birth certificate, or will a circumcision certificate suffice? Funnily enough, those are also the documents I require before I’ll sleep with a guy. Gotta have some integrity, you know?

Anyway, I choose Paula Deen. She stands for TRUE American values, like culinary libertinism, obesity, and diabetes.

04.29.11 at 10:22 am

Mo Charlo

Burt Reynolds.

04.29.11 at 10:23 am

TH/DeSean Is My Anti-Drug

Second and final pick, the King of America… Eddie Murphy, but only if he agreed to assume the role completely in character as Akeem from Coming to America.

04.29.11 at 10:23 am

double dewayne bowe

Putting a couple in a ceremonious but completely irrelevant position? Welcome to your throne King Timberlake and Queen whoever Timberlake is fucking this week.

04.29.11 at 10:27 am

Matt Leinart's Brahspect

king the rock, because america needs to make a stand against jabronis.

04.29.11 at 10:33 am

Gas Dude

Bragelina – you want the heirs to look good, plus their kids represent every demographic in the land.

04.29.11 at 10:34 am

PlayoffBeard

The Wiz

Already pompous, has his own hat and cape.

04.29.11 at 10:36 am

Jayhawk Marley

King Arnold of the house of Schwarzenegger, of course.

04.29.11 at 10:39 am

yeah, right

King Christian Ponder!

Goddammit.

04.29.11 at 10:39 am

Unsilent Majority

That’s a great pick, PlayoffBeard.

04.29.11 at 10:39 am

Sausage

King – Obama

Queen – Palin

04.29.11 at 10:41 am

Tracer Bullet

Omar Little. Come at the king, you bes’ not miss.

04.29.11 at 10:42 am

Rudeboy

Queen: Diora Baird

King: Kate Upton

Just for the kiss on the balcony after the wedding. Tongues, please.

04.29.11 at 10:43 am

Brutus Ballsack

For King I want Jerry Jones. We’ll have the biggest, baddest castle in the world.
For Queen, let’s go with a slut, Kim Kardashian should keep King Jerry happy.

King Bill Gates shall then hold court with his plethora of hot nerdcore concubines.

04.29.11 at 10:49 am

NJSeahawksFan

King Larry The Cable Guy. Now that’s American, right dere.

04.29.11 at 10:51 am

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

All hail King Max Power and Queen Chesty LaRue!

04.29.11 at 10:53 am

DancingBaptist

King – Peter King

Queen – Joy Behar

Never has revolution and the subsequent beheadings been so much fun.

04.29.11 at 10:56 am

Soloflex_DVD

Stephen Colbert!

04.29.11 at 10:57 am

Excitrodangerfear!

Big Daddy Drew. But only if we all get bullshit minor titles.

04.29.11 at 10:59 am

laurie_in_tulsa

King Ookie or King Purple Drank…

04.29.11 at 11:03 am

Kam Fong as Chin Ho

We already have an annointed King that has done nothing to deserve the title.

LeBron James

04.29.11 at 11:05 am

DrQuuxum

Morgan Freeman. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.

04.29.11 at 11:07 am

Tarheel Vike

Ron White.
We need a few laughs.

04.29.11 at 11:11 am

Slash

Duh, King Samuel L. Jackson.

But I think he should have some power. I vote he gets to kick the ass of anybody he wants at any time, with a few common-sense restrictions; we can’t have the king going around beating up little kids. But their parents? Yes.

And of course, he always has the power to call someone a motherfucker.

Sorry, I refuse to play. My pocket constitution states that “No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States.” THAT INCLUDES KSK KOMMENTERS!

However, our “Exemplary Americans,” as determined by a vote of the Houses of Congress, or by approval of 3/4th of the State legislatures, could be:
Bill Bradley
Maureen Dowd

AMERICA! F–K YEAH!

04.29.11 at 12:19 pm

perpetualjoe

Queen- Sheryl Crow
King- Cee-lo
If they’re going to be figureheads, they should at least be entertaining.

04.29.11 at 12:32 pm

Home sick abortion

Brian Boitano. What would Brian Boitano do?

04.29.11 at 12:32 pm

Fred

King Howard Stern

04.29.11 at 12:36 pm

Spanky Datass

King Jim J Bullock. Because yeah,right? took Bourdain, Chesty Puller is dead and I have no imagination.

04.29.11 at 12:39 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

King Janet Reno. S/he fights dirty.

04.29.11 at 12:40 pm

Sirsuperdank

King Brad Pitt, queen Jolie. We’ll have all of Africa here in no time. Yayyyyyy

/hangs self

04.29.11 at 12:40 pm

steeler fan in peru

@Sausage: Sorry buddy beat you to Obongo….

@Mandy: I literally almost picked Paula Deen one pick prior amazing… Great minds..

My second picks:

King Sterling Archer. Not a real person, but really awesome.

Queen Martha Stewart. We’d have an extremely well kept palace.

04.29.11 at 12:44 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

I’m changing my first pick’s title to Sultan Woodhead and with my second and final pick I’m taking Emir Cuban. With Woodhead ruling from Foxboro I need someone in a more western location to keep watch over the other half of the country plus he provides financial expertise to go with the bounty of GRIT that our benevolent Sultan Woodhead brings.

Nothing beats a strong pimp hand, it’s a requirement for anyone who sits on the throne.

04.29.11 at 12:53 pm

FrattyLite

Manifest destiny demands….King Nugent. Bestowed with the divine right to say crazy shit at all times, a crown made from Ron Swanson’s mustache, and a trucknutz scepter.

Alternate pick: Jerry Jones, for the chance to see Stephen assassinate his father and inherit the title

04.29.11 at 12:57 pm

Big Ben's Bodyguard

Can’t believe he’s still on the board:

King John Stewart. He’d tell us how fucked we are and make us laugh doing so.

04.29.11 at 1:00 pm

hiox

King: Willie Nelson
Queen: Anyone he wants

Also, there shall be no Princes except Prince

04.29.11 at 1:09 pm

Plug

King Jack Bauer. Might as well be king, he already does whatever the fuck he wants.

04.29.11 at 1:10 pm

Brutus Ballsack

For my last selection, I pick Maj, and give him the power to legalize the weed. For his Queen, I pick, Fuck Da Eagles girl, because Fuck Da Eagles.

04.29.11 at 1:20 pm

Great White Hope Shark

King Kenny Powers: blessed with a fucking rocket for an arm, a cock like a burmese python and the mind of a fucking scientist.

04.29.11 at 1:22 pm

Jamaal Charles's Stolen TDs

King Ron Swanson! He’d make the greatest head of state speeches ever.

04.29.11 at 1:27 pm

I'm fucker aren't I?

Charles Oakley. Nobody fucks with King Oakley.

04.29.11 at 1:33 pm

Bob Vila

King William Nye, Science Guy (Ret).

04.29.11 at 1:39 pm

Spanky Datass

Queen: The service rep at my bank who just fixed some unauthorized charges on my card. It took her less that five minutes! God bless you my Queen.

/bows
/curtsies

04.29.11 at 1:51 pm

porky1

Mel Brooks. Because it’s good to be King.

04.29.11 at 2:05 pm

Pope Duffin XVIII

Daniel Day Lewis. Not only is he an oil man but he will drink the milkshake of our enemies

04.29.11 at 2:07 pm

PopulationTire

Anyone remember The Man Show? King Adam Corolla, please. For when he is king, all will be awesome.

Queen… girls on trampolines.

04.29.11 at 2:08 pm

Gumbo the Malificent

Turd Ferguson.

/Hail King Turd!

04.29.11 at 2:43 pm

Zack

With my first pick, I’ll take King Ed O’Neill. Anybody who scored four touchdowns in one game is clearly fit to rule this land, and the image of him sitting on a throne, Al Bundy style, makes me smile.

04.29.11 at 2:55 pm

hiox

I would have taken Superman but he’s no longer American.

04.29.11 at 2:57 pm

jackin'4beats

King: Terry Crews. He played in the NFL and looks like he could still fuck some shit up.

Queen: Sanaa Lathan. Just so I could see the birthers freak out again since her name is the capital of Yemen. Which totally makes her an un-American terrorist right? What? huh? What? Fuck You.

04.29.11 at 3:14 pm

Zack

Second pick goes to Queen Anna Farris. She’ll laugh at dick jokes but can class it up when necessary.

This draft if fackin retarded. Tom Brady IS King of America. He assumed the throne with 1:21 left on the clock in the 4th QTR of Super Bowl 36. 85 yards, 0 timeouts, and Wes Welker was busy cleaning vomit off the pool table in the Phi Delt house at Texas Tech.

04.29.11 at 3:34 pm

Bostjan Snachbar (formerly Endonatas Motiejunas)

Rick Perry – so we can have a glorious coup and end up with his grandson as emperor fifty years later.

/france’d

04.29.11 at 3:37 pm

Delicious Cake

King The Artist Formerly Known as Prince!

04.29.11 at 4:00 pm

perpetualjoe

King- George Clinton. Make our funk the P-Funk!
Queen- Giselle Bundchen-Brady. Just to give Tom another reason to cry at the coronation/consummation.

04.29.11 at 4:22 pm

Bednarikrules

Since this is a football sight I’m keeping it in the family and nominating Deacon Jones. I would also like to nominate Chuck Bednarik as his Defense Minister and Jim Brown as his Offense Minister (get it?). We would rule the world, baby! For queen, Helen Mirren, cuz even at her advanced age I would attempt to fuck the shit out of her, but I know she could handle all three of them with ease.

04.29.11 at 4:24 pm

William Charles Schneider

King – Adam West. He’s already a mayor, and a super hero.

04.29.11 at 4:40 pm

YankeeDudeL

King Pacman – We all gon drank!!

Would have said Rex Ryan but he was already taken. “Men. MEN!” Yeah, that whole Libya shit would be over with.

And Queen any redhead that’s whackable. Which would be all of them.

04.29.11 at 5:06 pm

Spanky Datass

And Queen any redhead that’s whackable.

You mean (presses gun-finga [PEW PEW PEW] to head) “whackable”?

Yuuup, ginger gals make me stupid.

/waits for piling on about stupidity

04.29.11 at 6:05 pm

Leigh

Queen Aretha. No one else is even close.

04.29.11 at 6:45 pm

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Bill Murray. That was easy.

04.29.11 at 7:45 pm

Hiroux

We already had our Diana, but Anna Nicole Smith was taken from us all too early.

04.29.11 at 7:46 pm

Globex Corp

Stephen Colbert was steal of the draft, followed by Bill Murray.

I’ll King Sly Stallone. Beats out Norris because Norris has become insane. Have you read anything he’s written in the past few years? Crazy. Definitely go with Sly. China knows how he punched the Soviet Union in the face and ended it. Nobody denies this.