Posts Tagged ‘research’

Cancer charities are celebrating today after the breakthrough discovery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine that the majority of cancers are attributed to bad luck rather than environmental or genetic factors. Professor Naills Joffrey, 42 (age and BMI), gestured with a cheeseburger while describing the findings.

‘Our top three research priorities for 2015 are cancer, dementia and paper cuts’ said Professor Jenkins, Director of Research at the Medical Research Council. ‘Medically speaking, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut so logically it should be our number one priority, but bloody cancer gets all the publicity.’

Following successful experiments teaching chimpanzees to use sign language, Dr Greg Watts has announced the first examples of human teen speech. ‘What we were all taught in medical school is that the vocal chords go through a maturation process, and that inarticulacy is inevitable during the adolescent phase.

NASA today announced an end to all space exploration after the latest set of photographs taken by its Voyager 1 spacecraft, currently exploring the Kuiper Belt on the very edge of the solar system, showed nothing but a bunch of stars that look virtually indistinguishable from those viewed from Earth.

Research on tagged snails by the University of Coventry’s Dr Brian Harrison has uncovered one snail was discovered near some lettuces and tossed over the fence by Mrs Brown into Mrs Pearce’s garden at number 38. This process appears to have been repeated some 2,000 times until the snail finally came to rest in a school field in Dudley.