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Children's Party at the Palace: like Cartoon Allstars, only...

You know Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, the TV special with a bunch of American cartoon characters teaming up to deliver an anti-drug message? There's a review of it here if you haven't.

Well, the UK now has an answer to it.
And better still, it's live action.

To celebrate the Queen's 80th birthday, a stage play (with pre-recorded bits shown on a big TV screen) was performed, featuring a crossover large enough to make Alan Moore eat his beard in envy. And... wow.

That's the only picture of the performance I could find, but you get the idea. Man, I wish I had a video capture card - this could well be the cheesiest thing ever.

For the record, not all the actors wore Disneyland style foam-rubber outfits - most made do with makeup and fancy dress. Mr. Toad, for example, was played by a guy with his face painted green.

So anyway. After the opening performance (which included the Chim-chim-chimeny song from Mary Poppins and a disappointingly brief appearence from Wallace and Gromit and the Wombles - basically they just walked past), a life-sized replica of Thomas the Tank Engine pulled in, and Roald Dahl's daughter and the Fat Controller (played, for some reason, by film critic Johnathan Ross) stepped off and introduced the show. Cut to pre-recorded bit involving the Queen's handbag going missing ("We'll all be beheaded, or worse!" says the maid. I bet her majesty was thrilled at that bit.)

It turns out that the handbag has been stolen by a Kingdom Heartsish gathering of bad guys - Captain Hook, Cruella de Ville, Burgler Bill, the Pirate Queen (from Captain Pugwash, I think, but don't quote me on that), the Childcatcher (from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang), the Grand High Witch (from Roald Dahl's Witches) and two old ladies who didn't get to do anything.

The Pirate Queen and her crew go to the London Underground and get into a scuffle with the Mr. Men, but are defeated by the Lost Boys. Meanwhile, Tracy Beaker and her friends (played by actors from the TV adaptation, and looking decidedly out of place) are invited by the most unconvincing White Rabbit ever (Joe Pescuali).

Peter Pan (played, as per tradition, by a woman old enough to be Wendy's mum) takes on Captain Hook, with the aid of Robin Hood. Played by an Asian guy. Eventually, Hook is chased off by the Gruffallo.

After a load of stuff involving the cast of Blue Peter playing the Famous Five, Alan Titchmarsh playing Percy the Park Keeper, a dance performed by Angelina Ballerina and a load of Beatrix Potter characters, and the British Dennis the Menace and Gnasher hassling a TV reporter and Winnie the Pooh going missing and being looked for by Paddington Bear, Rupert the bear, Spot the dog, Kipper the dog and some guy in a loincloth (either Stig of the Dump or Mowgli) - despite ebars and dogs being the recurring theme, the accompanying song was "hey hey we're the Monkees" - Harry Hill comes on and sends an owl to Hogwarts. Cue a scene featuring the actors (and sets, as far as I could tell) from the Harry Potter movies - hmm, that explains where the budget for the rest of the show went. They eventually retrieve the purse with a long-distance spell.

The head witch makes a last-ditch attempt by poisoning the birthday cake, but her spell is broken by MARY POPPINS!!!!!!!!!! who performs the Supercalifragalisticexpelafriggindocious song to round things off.

Finally, the Queen (who was looking hilariously grumpy throughout the performance) comes on stage and recites a speech about the virtues of reading. Which is not, unfortunately, "well kids, that's it, that's all you get, READ A BOOK".

The Daily Express is a conservative, British tabloid newspaper. It is a middle-market title, the flagship title of Express Newspapers and is currently owned by Richard Desmond. As of December 2008, it has a circulation of 728,296.