Wednesday, January 29, 2014

We will just call this "The time I prepared for New Years Eve
like I did the US champs."

RUNNER SEASONS:

This doodle shows the 5 weeks a year professional
runners get to live like a semi-normal human (in purple). The “lame season” is
when training is so hard, the hours outside of training are exclusively devoted to
recovery. Thus lame season=live-like-a-robot season.

Unfortunately the holidays fall in the "lame season"
but just because you live like a hermit during lame season, you can still
afford to have a few days of fun. It just has to be carefully executed. Like my
dad always says: "Don't do two stupid things at one time. That would be too stupid."

I entered lame season 10 pounds over weight. No big deal. My
weight is almost completely determined by alcohol consumption. For some reason
calories are not created equal and 1 calorie of beer=100 calories of snickers
bars. So I cut out alcohol completely. Even a nightly glass of wine gets me in
trouble with the scale.

Bourbon Street does this really unhealthy thing called 3-for-1
hurricane specials plus beads. That means you get 3 huge sugary alcoholic
drinks for the price of 1 huge sugary alcoholic drink. Plus, beads! There is a
100% chance you will not be a functioning human and a 79% chance you will be
diabetic by the end of the night.

Hurricanes are not good for my "don't do two stupid things
at one time because that's too stupid" life plan. So I made sure I did
everything else right.

In the 3 weeks leading up to NYE:

I cut all alcohol to get my weight regulated.

I ate plenty of good fruits and veggies. Mostly because I love
plenty of fruits and veggies

I cut my caffeine addiction. It is hard for me to stay up past
midnight, so I need the help of a stimulant. I made sure my body wasn't used to
caffeine in order to get a bigger bang for my buck with my 6pm pre-party cuppa
joe.

Also, because it is hard for me to stay up, I made sure to have
a surplus of bedtime hours. Extra sleep to make up for my soon to be deficit.

Day of:

I forced myself to sleep in.

I made sure to prehydrate all day with water and Gatorade

I took a pre-party nap

I ate consistently throughout the day. All healthy, easily
digestible food. No szechuan beef!

I drank a pre-party coffee to get me jazzed and keep me jazzed.
I need to stay awake for New Year!

I shaved my legs for the occasion. Weird, but runners do that
pre-race. And pre-party apparently.

Post-party

I made sure to eat after to maximize recovery.

I drank a Gatorade to replenish electrolytes.

I drank a protein shake. I don't know why I did this. Probably
because I was hungry and thirsty and this quenched both simultaneously? Or it
seemed like a good idea after my intense DancePlyo session.

I did a "cool down"—which consisted of watching Lord of the Rings to make sure I went to
bed without any hurricanes left in the system.

And there you have it! With preparation I had a perfectly
executed party plan and the next day felt good enough to continue the grind of
training. Plus I wasn't even hungover for my annual hangover recovery
breakfast!

Oh, baby, your
time is running out. This time,
baby, I’ll be bulletproof.”

La roux is coming
off an injury and only has a short period of time to become as fit as possible
(hence “bulletproof” against the competition). She is feeling anxiety to get the
maximum amount of work done before the impending deadline—the USA
Championships.

Yes it hurts. I have developed a recovery plan where I do the
meat and potatoes of the training and cross train the rest of the time. That
way, I get out of shape while overtaxing my body at the same time. Plus my
injury stays aggregated.

4. The unintentional 3 days off: 1 day on method.

I'll take 3 days off to let it heal. Then I'll ‘test it out’ to
rehurt it and then take 3 more days off as protocol.

5. Band-aid method.

Ok it hurts. I have no time, and I'll
get fired if I don't run through it. Ibuprofen on tap please!

6. Sidelined.

You win, body. I concede.After 7 weeks of being stupid, I repent and will learn to swim while the
hammy heals.

You know what sucks as much as injuries? The 2 hours you spend a
day on the elliptical or bike trying to maintain fitness and not gain weight
from your injury-depression-overeating.

After 3 days of torture on the stationary equipment, I decided
to learn to swim via the Youtubes. It turns out, I was even more “beginner”
than beginners.

I have a list of very overlooked tips for you people who also
swim like house cats! They were probably overlooked because they are such no
brainers for people who have experience in the pool outside of Sharks and Minnows.

1. When you first get in the water, you will probably think,
"Hey, I'll just swim to the other side." Before you know it, you're 15m
down the pool stranded, wheezing as if you've never exercised before. Tip #1:
DON’T PANIC. Panicking will result in a panic loop. You breathe in water. You
start to drown. You worry not only about your life, but also about not causing a
scene. (Even in life threatening situations, I still have a need to maintain
social appropriateness. Probably because I’m a lady.) This in turn causes you
to panic more. One panicked breath and BOOM, you are the story of the week for
the lifeguards.

2. Invest in goggles. Your eyes cannot "adapt" to the
chlorine. They will swell up, and you'll see those little rainbows surrounding
all sources of light. $15-totally-worth-it investment.

3. Invest in a swim cap or hair tie. I, too, at first was doing
the free flowing mermaid hair. It gets in the way. Going to take a breath and
getting a mouth full of hair is absolutely terrifying. (If it happens, see tip
#1). Make sure you have a high quality hair tie. Or just be a real swimmer and
get a real swim cap.

4. Breathe out while underwater. This will go against every
fiber in your being. Also, don’t tell swimmers this tip. They will question
your intelligence and say a condescending remark. Probably something like,
“DUH!”

5. Look down. I know eyeing the edge is much more comforting,
but looking down lets you float more on your lungs. And someone sometime
mentioned it being more aerodynamic.

6. Intervals are your friend. Doing intervals gives you the precious
rest time you need. Plus they make you look like an expert (if you have goggles
and a swim cap that is).

7. Use those toys! Like the kick board and the
in-between-the-thighs floaties! Using only half of your muscles really takes
the strain off your lungs.

8. You will get the hang of breathing. I promise. It will
probably take 2 weeks, 10 near death experiences, and 13 coughing fits, but you
will get it.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

We aren't so different, you and I. I too find it hard to stay
fit over the holiday season.

Why the holidays are the spawn of Satan to a professional
runner’s fitness:

1. Lack of routine: without a set
meeting time, the odds scrimping on the all or part of the workout skyrocket.
Why I allow myself to procrastinate until 6 pm to do a workout, I do not know.
I will sit on the couch and think, "You will hate yourself when it gets to
dinner time, and you have to go workout." And I continue to sit there and
have anxiety at the amount of shame I will feel in 8 hours.

Solution: Set a workout time
and tell everyone about the time slot you have "to go to work*"

*calling it work is important here. If you refer to it as
"practice," You and everyone in the family will condescendingly be
talkin' 'bout practice Allen Iverson style.

Example:

“I have to go to practice at 8:00.” sounds optional.

“I have to work at 8:00.” sounds only-death-can-get-me-out-of-this
mandatory.

2. No training partner: I love training in
Seattle because it is my socialize time. At home, it gets reversed, it's my
obligation that interferes with socialize time. Running solo sucks.

Solution: Find a training
partner.

They don't have to do the workout; they just have to do a
workout at the same venue and time. That way, you can both be witness to how
great you both are and then complement each other.

3. No coach: The honor system
method of training works almost okay until the self-motivation starts to waver.
Everyone ever said, "In order to be the best, you have to have freakish
robot-like self-motivation." I am proof that this theory is bullshit. I am self-motivated, but sometimes I need external pressure out there to jumpstart
the self-motivation. Being your own substitute coach wastes energy that could be

allotted to the workout.

Solution: Find a stand in.

Get a friend to tradsies timing a workout for a lunch. I tried
this with my dad and fired him within the first 20 minutes. He got too
passionate about his new job and went into a yelling rampage. He then
challenged me to a race. Apparently he did not understand why in races I didn't
pace myself so I could pass everyone at the end.

4. Distractions:

My friends and family are wonderful. They are also wonderfully
oblivious to my career. They celebrate when I celebrate. But that's pretty much
it. We are both invested in my track career for the celebrations.

Solution: I have none. Feel lame
or feel shame? Your choice.

5. High Calorie
Holiday grub:

For those invested in my running career, I am currently a little
off the mark when it comes to race weight. Christmas time has so many tempting
high calorie nom noms. It's easy to avoid chocolate bars when they aren't around,
but when left unattended around those chocolate-chip cookies, I shovel in the
goods as if it's my last day before hibernation.

Solution: I tested out 3.

1. Brainwash yourself into thinking you don't like sweets. This
worked until I had a sweet and got pissed at myself for the trickery.

2. Throw in some cross trains to negate
those bad calories. The conversion rate is 30min bike: 1 snickers bar

3. Green-tea distraction method. I distracted
myself by making and drinking green tea every time I had an urge for chocolate
bars. This was the best method at a 60% success rate.

6. Alcohol is
everywhere:

Let's go over this. Beer
makes you fat--Point blank. High calorie beverage=weight gain. Liquor makes you
fat--Indirectly. Concentrated alcohol=complete lapse in self-control. I don't
know how many times my hot toddy turned into a full on binge of gingerbread
sweets.

Solution: Every time you reach
for that hot toddy, just make that left turn to lame-ville and go for the green
tea instead.

I had a lot of green tea this week.

There
you have it. It's so easy to stay fit over the holiday season! Just commit to a
lifestyle of a non-social geriatric with diabetes.

Disclaimer to the
Bossman, NIKE:

I
assure you that I do, in fact, live the dedicated lifestyle of a professional
athlete. I have developed a complex self-manipulation system
to ensure I stay hardworking and motivated. What I’m trying to say is: don’t fire me.

Hey everyone. Go buy NIKE
stuff and tell them that I inspired you to buy it!

Friday, January 3, 2014

[side note! My dad frequents the hospital quite often. Usually from freak accidents. His foresight went AWOL when he was 5--just before his first attempt to fly wearing his Superman costume. He's regenerative, I'm pretty sure. In fact, he is what the Wolverine movies were based off. I mean besides the killing, and other mutants and stuff.]

Back to last week's hospital story. It was nothing major, but his diet was restricted. I saw him on Monday. I knew he was okay when he refused to wear the hospital gown and insisted on wearing jeans with no shirt in order to monitor how much muscle mass he was losing. (The final answer was: Man, Phe! I went from Hugh Jackman to Dana Carvey in 4 days!)

He called Tuesday. He sounded very upset and opened the conversation with, "Phe, I'm literally dying."

My heart sank as I suppressed all outward emotion. "When? Why? I just saw you yesterday. What did they find? How much time do you have left. I'm on my way."

He screamed, "WAIT! WAIT! They are starving me in here. I only get chicken broth with a bit of jello. I'm wasting away. I just need one McDub (McDouble) and some fries."

Joking about "literally dying" while in the hospital should be illegal.

I tried to reason with him, but he was adamant he would only survive maybe 14 more hours on the broth diet.

It's good to know that happiness in the Wright family is almost exclusively determined by blood sugar levels.

I caved and bought him the Happy Meal. He had to James Bond it while eating in order to keep the nurses from "having an aneurysm" (again. Hospital jokes. Not funny, Dad, not funny). While he packed it, I made sure to threaten his life, "Hey Dad, I will literally kill you if I accidentally kill you via this Happy Meal."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I come from a family that is nonmaterialistic by default because we are too lazy to go shopping. Thus making the Christmas gift exchange one of my favorite activities!

I suggested that instead of a gift exchange, we buy ourselves $100 worth of stuff online, and then bond by opening it together. But that would involve not procrastinating until the week of Christmas to order stuff.

Highlights of the gift exchange:

1. Nothing says I-procrastinated -on-buying-your-Xmas card like a disclaimer written in the card. It's perfect. My sister really knows how I define "love." With humor. (Also I am slightly alarmed at the lack of proof reading. Must run in the family.)

2. This calendar. A breed specific calendar is a clear indication that I am too obsessed with my dog.

3. Nanna learned how to make these scarves! Which means everyone in the family got a scarf! I forced my Aunt and Sis to take this photo. Aunt asked, "How are you wearing it?" Sister's response: "Like a tie. Hey, Phe! I got you this scarf!" (I smell a regift)

4. Two of my cousins didn't know what to get each other, so they exchanged $20. I think they are the only ones that truly understand the meaning of Christmas.