Category: Our Two Cents

So this installment of “Our Two Sense” is a little different in that we’re not using a base post but instead decided to write our own from scratch. Actually, we wrote it on our internal work messaging system since we no longer work in the same building. We’re not too sure how it’ll turn out but stick with us, we’re hoping for the best!

Our Two Sense – Workplace Dating: the good, the bad and the just plain awkward

SamanthaMiranda

OK, so I really want to talk about office relationships because well, for starters, Miranda and I are co-workers so it seemed like a natural fit. Second, as we spend the majority of our lives in an office building (how depressing is that), it seems likely that this topic would come up once or twice between the start of our careers and the eventual day we retire.

Definitely. it’s inevitable and not a matter of if, but when it’ll happen. The work relationships that we refer to can be a myriad of things. It could be as simple as a work hubby, a full-fledged relationship or even an affair.

Let’s start with the idea of a work hubby, because I am totally into this idea and can see this as the easiest work place relationship trope to fall into. What do you define as a work husband?

In my eyes, the work hubby is a crush or flirtation you have at work, but only at work. You have a good time talking or fantasizing about what could be but when you go home they’re outta sight outta mind.

Fantasizing eh, that goes even further than what I think of it. For me, it’s someone you get along with really well who’s fun to flirt with, but that’s it.

Hahaha you know me. I have a tendancy to dramatize situations. Even people in relationships joke about work hubbies/work wifies. It doesn’t mean anything but it helps keep you a bit entertained.

Yup, I mean something’s gotta get you through dreadful Tuesday afternoons.

Hmmm so what else is there? What about the classic work crush. This can be a dangerous area to delve into, especially when the crush is only one way.

Omg we have totally seen that in our office haven’t we…

Yes we have. I have had the unfortunate experience of being on the receiving end of this form of a crush. It was a very distinct variation of it, but a crush nonetheless.

HOLD ON. I was thinking of Mark* and Jen*! Are you talking about your other thing?

Ya…

Haha my god this is perfect. Just look at how common work place crushes can be. We bring up the topic and already were thinking of two completely different examples. In fact, if you count the random guy who always asks me to do crosswords with him or to go for lunch then that is three examples right off the bat!! Whew, ok….hilarious. Moving on.

Ok, basically this guy on my team, Ben*, was pursuing me for the better half of a year. It has gone way beyond work hubby and has continued outside of work as a texting relationship. The only problem with this whole thing is that he actually has a fiancé that he’s planning on marrying this year.

Absolutely mental…Yep, I definitely remember this story. Go on.

Ya, not sure how I got myself in this one. Anyway, I had just joined the company and Ben was the youngest person on my team (other than me) and I guess we struck up some kind of friendship. It was nice having him to talk to but I think he saw it differently. One night we were texting and I may have been a bit drunk lamenting over my love life and said something along the lines of “duck i’m horny” (autocorrect, am I right?). Ben took the opportunity to ask me if I needed any help with that, and it all went downhill from there.

So, ya that’s another type of work relationship that you really DON’T want to have.

I totally agree. Mixing business with pleasure, especially with that close proximity is a recipe for disaster.

Totally. I would recommend avoiding it as much as possible.

But as you were saying Samantha, we do have two friends that have their own sort of work relationship. Care to explain to our lovely readers?

Hold up honey, you think I’m letting you off the hook. How did this unfortunate incident end?

Haha fine. You got me. After I freaked out for a bit, try a lot, I probed him more and found out that he and his fiancé have an open relationship that allows him to pursue other women on the side. I think eventually he would bring them in for a threesome but apparently she is fine with him sleeping around even though she has no desire to do it herself. He seemed to think that I was a good candidate for all of this and even after my repeated NO’s he was still quite persistent. Now we’re in a good position as just friends, but it took a long while for him to finally get the clue.

Let’s be real, this could’ve been at least a couple posts on its own.

Yes it could. And maybe it will! Once I sit down and have the patience to write it.

So let’s talk about the one-sided relationship that we unintentionally became involved with, Mark and Jen. Now, although Jen rarely admits it, she fully has a “thing” for Mark where she thinks he’s cute or whatever and he definitely knows it. Hell, we all know it. Mark kind of takes advantage of this and flirts right back, toying with her. But you can’t really blame him all that much. Who doesn’t like attention right? Well, after a couple work socials involving a lot of intoxication and some really inappropriate comments, a HUGE game of “he said, she said” ensued where both sides had a completely different story of how it all went down. Eventually they pretended like it never happened and even tried to form a friendship, but it was super awkward for us. We saw how lopsided the whole thing was and we knew it would be a bad idea to get wrapped up in the whole mess.

Ya…That was a scenario and a half. In fact, I don’t think it’s over quite yet. They still have their little comments made here and there and at this point, they don’t even try to hide it. It’s pretty entertaining to watch from the sidelines.

Uch you say entertaining, I say obnoxious.

But what if you work in a massive company? Does that still count? Sure, maybe you bump into each other once in a while, but if you don’t work with them directly, I could definitely see it as a feasible possibility.

No no, don’t get me wrong it is still a huge possibility, especially if there is distance. It just seems like adding another complication to an over-complicated issue.

I wouldn’t be opposed to a relationship with someone at work if it was done in that way, I think. It’s still not ideal but a lot of the prime male real estate is in the financial district of the 6ix, aka where we work.

You’re 110% right about that girlfriend. The PATH is filled with hotties, there is really no point of swiping anywhere other than the Starbucks in First Canadian Place.

And hey, it does sometimes work. The girl who sits at the desk beside mine met her boyfriend of 4 years while working together. So I guess it is possible, I’m probably just too much of a spaz to make it work…at work.

ON THE OTHER HAND, it is totally a fantasy of mine to bang at the office.

Ok, a straight up hookup is what I think is super dangerous. That’s where rumours spread and bad things can happen immediately. But yes, that’s totally hot in concept. Up against the executive table or facing the floor to ceiling windows of the 6ix…similar to your saucy story about “Mr. Views” if I recall.

You know me well. If he added a boardroom table to his apartment I’d be sold. Till then I’ll try find an executive at a DIFFERENT companies, so I can screw without getting screwed.

I see what you did there, you cheeky girl. That’s a definite strategy. Well, this discussion was totally all over the place…

Seriously, there is clearly just so much to talk about, but we tried to at least touch upon a bunch of different topics.

It’s true, so let’s turn now to our trusty audience. Would you guys want to see more posts like this? Did you like the old format more? What would you like us to give our two sense about…let us know in the comment section below and we’ll be sure to incorporate your feedback.

Installment three, courtesy of Women’s Health Mag, outlines the 11 thoughts that every woman has on a first date. As first date aficionados, commenting on this post was almost a requirement. Enjoy the good, the bad, and the totally irrational!Women’s Health magSamanthaMiranda

“Should I wear the sexy underwear?” If you wear it, it’s a little presumptuous. But if you don’t wear it, you might be totally unprepared. Is that third date rule still a thing? Ugh, better safe than sorry.

Since when is being over-prepared a bad thing? Always opt for the sexy underwear in my opinion, even if he doesn’t see it, knowing I look good makes me feel good, which equals the most important first date factor: C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.C.E.

For me it’s more of a balance. I agree with Samantha, feeling good with what you wear can contribute a lot to confidence and success during the date. However, I like to make a careful selection between sexy and comfortable. I really don’t want to have to continuously un-wedgie myself throughout the night. I’m sure we can all collectively agree that’s not an attractive sight.

“I haven’t even shaved my legs yet, there is no way I’m going to be on time.” How did it get so late already? Oh, right, you spent 20 minutes on Google. That’s OK, everyone hates awkwardly standing outside of the bar fake-scrolling through their phone anyway. Still, if you don’t hustle it’ll be the difference between “casual late” and “rude late.”

If it’s winter there’s no way I’m shaving for a date. But if it’s summer and I’m wearing a dress or shorts, that’s a different story. Stubble with frills ain’t a cute match.

Oh for me this struggle is far worse than the sexy underwear one…My constant debate is whether to just wear pants, not shave and risk that the pants MAY come off, or show up to the date with wet hair because I ended up jumping in the shower at the very last minute.

I’m a bit anal in terms of being on time, so if it’s in my control I will likely be on time no matter how much I want to be that girl who casually strolls in fashionably late.

“Maybe I should cancel…” This is nerve-wracking. Now you have a headache and your makeup isn’t cooperating and you totally forgot your favorite instructor is teaching boot camp class tonight. How horrible would it be if you bailed? (Answer: pretty horrible)

From my personal experience and from seeing it happen to friends enough times, there are two options in this scenario. 1) The date goes incredibly well and you’re glad you forced yourself out 2) the date goes incredibly badly and you crawl into your bed never to leave the safety of your sanctuary again. You won’t know until you go on the date so ya, don’t bail last minute. That’s just shitty.

Ya, unless your reason for bailing is legit or comes from a place of concern for your safety and well being, it’s best not to bail. As you can see, Samantha and I have had our fair share of strange, fucked up dates. I don’t regret going on them though, because now I can share it with the rest of the world and we all get a bit of a laugh out of it. It’s an experience and often a necessary evil if you want to actually find someone decent.

“Should I hit the ATM?” Most men still try to pay for the first date, right? Clearly you’re going to do the wallet reach, and then it would be REALLY embarrassing if he took you up on it and there was zilch in there. But going to the bank would also make you even later…

K for real…it’s called plastic. This is not a 21st century problem babe…

Preach Sister Sam! LOL, enter Sister Sam, the world’s worst nun…

This thought has never occurred to me while getting ready for a date nor will it ever in the future unless the entire credit card infrastructure collapses and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll think about going to an ATM.

“Of COURSE there is rainforest-level humidity right now.” So glad you showered and did your hair, right? Real talk: You’ll probably look like a labradoodle by the time you get there, but at least then you’ll look even MORE beautiful on the second date.

Hah. As a female with extremely curly hair this is the biggest first date challenge of them all. I have this weird inner dialogue between the hair-down angel on my right shoulder and hair-up angel on my left. Righty constantly says that men like long hair, it’s sexy, and is more attractive (woo feminism…) while lefty is there to remind me that frizz is not sexy. It’s better to go with a ponytail and risk coming off looking austere than looking like a pompom.

Oddly enough, this thought does not really occur to me either (haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate). Contrary to Samantha, I have naturally straight hair and I can never be bothered to do anything with it. You’d be lucky if I even brush my hair before seeing you. -_- I’m a hater who’s hating and a potato who’s potatoeing

“I should probably prepare something witty to say.” You know, just in case there’s a lull in the conversation—you don’t want to nervously rattle on about your gynecologist appointment this morning.

No way could I do this. The second I try to map out how to say something, I fixate on it and inherently stumble over the words. Something clever about current events would probably come out sounding like a 4th grader reading the paper over her dad’s shoulder.

I definitely don’t prepare things to say. However, over the years, I have developed a few go to topics and tactics for when the conversation lulls. It’s useful to have as a backup plan, and can help the conversation along if the other person is lacking in things to say (which is often the case).

“Wait. What if he’s THE ONE?” This could be the first day of the rest of your life. You never know. Shhh, do you hear that? Are those wedding bells?

Well, I’m not going to lie. I have definitely thought about this more than a few times. I’m an over thinker and most likely even before I’ve met you, I’ve thought about all 3928109 scenarios that this date could result in. It’s probably not the healthiest approach but I’m not sure how to stop being like that.

Pro tip: Mitigate this issue by being cynical and not at all optimistic about any romantic encounter.

“Relax. It’s just one date.” OK stop, you’re psyching yourself out. Sure, he could be amazing, and you could be telling your kids about this someday. But he could also be horrible and chew with his mouth open. Or he could be a serial killer! Well, that escalated quickly.

This is the most accurate series of thoughts on the internet.

Pretty sure every single girl has considered this. Also, to have a backup plan is standard – like telling one friend where you are and if they don’t hear from you in a few hours, call the popo immediately. AHEM, excuse me, except for when this actually happened and it turned out you were on a 7 hour long date (Mr. Starry Night)

“Yep, you look amazing.” One last hair flip and smile in the mirror. Oh yeah, you would date you. You’re ready to go, girl. As a wise woman once said: YOLO.

Pretty sure a wise man once said YOLO but maybe the author of this post just wasn’t born in the 6ix. Nonetheless, I’m a huge proponent of self-love (IN A NON-SEXUAL WAY YOU PERVERTS) and it is crucial to rocking a first date like I know I can! *Hair flip*

Yup that saying definitely originated from our boy, Drake. Samantha, who you kidding, that nighttime self-loving is part of the picture too. At least we know if that date doesn’t work out, there’s also someone else you can rely on to have a good time: yourself.

The other night, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, reenacting some sad SATC-inspired scenario comprised mainly of Mirandas, when one of the Mirandas (by way of the Bronx) enriched my jargon with a beautiful expression that I previously hadn’t heard of.

Cuffing Season(viaUrban Dictionary) – During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

How apropos this is what we’re reviewing given the names of our secret identities…eh, Miranda 😉

I still can’t believe you haven’t heard of this term….smh (shake my head).

Ok, Ok…so I only heard about this cuffing business from Miranda last week but let me tell you, the definition is spot on. All the single ladies I know, and I mean all of them are currently experiencing this seemingly existential crisis about being lonely ’round the holidays. As the weather gets colder, our need to snuggle gets bolder and bolder.

It’s human nature to start feeling this way and now there is the perfect word to describe this sensation of loneliness. The sudden need to shack up with someone can come seemingly at random, but the weather and time of year is truly to blame. Or at least, we’ll use it as an excuse 😛

Suddenly, everything fell into place. The suspiciously friendly text I recently received from a semi-ex? My own attempt to cajole a guy friend into coming over to “drink wine and cuddle”? All of these pathetic pleas have a simple, weather-related explanation, provoked by nothing other than the drop in outdoor temperature. Better yet, said vulnerability presents an excellent opportunity to turn lemons into some mighty fine pisco sours and score a Cuffing Buddy to cuddle up to all winter long!

With the exception of Mr. Netflix and Chill Out, I haven’t experienced many visits from boyfriends past as of late. However, I have definitely caught myself thinking about how exes are doing and if it’s worth reigniting an old flame for lack of better options…Can you say desperado?

Yep, it’s that raw sense of desperation that has girls flocking to the apps and websites. I, too, find myself looking harder on tinder than usual. No more casual hangouts with friends. Give me the club, give me alcohol, and give me a guy that can be mine. At least for a season anyways.

Seriously, I was tindering yesterday to the point where I actually ran out of likes. I mean come on, that only ever happens when I swipe right on everyone just to see how many likes I’d get. …Don’t act like you’ve never done that before. I guess the cuffing season phenomenon is hella real and crept up without our knowing.

And now, a few rules of conduct…

Don’t be too picky.Remember that, when it comes to Cuffing Buddies, practicality is key – all you have in store for this relationship are sex and food and TV, so he must excel in at least two of these areas. I kid you not, my friend once admitted that the best relationship she ever had was with her local deli man, if only because he would bring her cherries and champagne after each shift and speak only when spoken to. Who the hell wants more than sex and food and TV anyway? Haven’t you guys ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?

Hmmm not sure about this one. Sure, I have definitely been a little more lenient on who gets a right swipe these days but there is a definite difference between pickiness and standards. Hooking up with someone less than ideal once or twice is one thing, but I definitely don’t want to date someone I’m not all that interested in. Relationships take work, so I you should be putting effort into the people you actually want to be with. It’s only fair to you and your guy as well.

I guess if it’s just sex and food you’re after, eh anyone would do in a pinch. But would this satisfy those Cuffing Season blues? I don’t really think so. To me, Cuffing Season is more about ice skating and handholding than booty calls and binge-watching (though I still enjoy those too).

My standards usually waver on any given day – it really just depends on my mood and self-esteem that day. Last week even, I did something that I wouldn’t normally do. I met up with someone at 10pm on a Sunday (screams desperation I know) for drinks. And even though by the end I was sure I wasn’t into him, I still let him make a move on me and kiss me, which grew into more of a make-out session on a dark street downtown. Why would I let him? Well, cuffing season would be the answer to explaining the unexplainable. The need to have someone there to hold can overpower your basic instinct and ability to make a decision if you actually like him. That was my situation, anyway.

Trick him into thinking you’re homey and cozy.Your goal is to exude a warm and comforting vibe, the female equivalent of a pumpkin spice latte. I recommend stopping the diet and Soul Cycle nonsense immediately – after all, who wants to hold on to a rubbery skeleton on those cold winter night? If you’re like me and can’t cook for sh*t, improvise. The other day, I took a guy I’m seeing to my friend’s house for a dinner party – four tacos later, a much happier man was sitting next to me. Suddenly, I became cozy and homey by association – wherever I go, warmth and happiness (and alcohol) follow!

This one I can get behind. I am not a romantic person but something about this time of year really gets me in the spirit of LURVE more so than Valentine’s Day or any other marketing-manufactured reason to appreciate your S.O.

Also, as someone who has been on a strict diet for the month of November, I am really looking forward to cuddling up with cocoa, chocolate and ruining all the hard work I’ve put in for the last 3 weeks.

Did she just say food? This would be an easy step for me to accomplish. Most of my life revolves around the world of food. If I’m not eating it, I’m thinking about it and my next opportunity to eat it. I’m sure Samantha can attest to that. YUP Food is the language of love in my eyes so I completely agree with using this as a tactic to entrap a man to becoming yours. Also, rubbery skeleton? I don’t know about all of you but I’m far from that so I’ll be chilling with my winter flubber. All I’m saying is I need my fat to keep me warm.

Add some glamour.When in doubt, look to my compatriots – despite living in the land of endless winter, Russians manage to maintain an unparalleled air of glamour via the decadent vices of fur, hard liquor, and rich cuisine. Indulge in all of those, and don’t forget to throw in some sexy lingerie to envelope those caviar-nourished curves! In fact, think of yourself as a luscious Christmas gift, covered in ribbons and ready to be unveiled.I promise you, the deli man will appreciate it.

Ok, maybe I’ll try spicing up my lingerie but the boy will have to work for it. If I’m a Christmas gift, then I’ll be the best god damn wrapped gift he’s ever encountered. I expect him to peel back my many layers of clothing (seductively) to even come close to reaching my bedazzled thong as the final frontier before revealing my prized possession.

I have a feeling the only males seeing my lingerie this winter will be two little Maltese fluffballs. Who needs love when you’ve got puppy love?

Explore couple activities. Warning: come December, even the gravest of cynics will feel an overwhelming urge to peruse Christmas Market sen couple and smooch passionately under the mistletoe. To which I say YOLO, ice skating with deli man it is! Just don’t forget to keep your eyes on the main prize, aka the joys of fornication.

Here we go with the ice skating! Gawd why must the holidays be so cute and fun and unavoidably relationship-y? It’s like the world turns into an ever-lasting scene from Love Actually for a couple months.

Dayum this girl is fixated on fornication….someone needs to quench the thirst STAT.

Samantha, this girl makes us look like the most hydrated people in comparison. Her thirst level is unparalleled it would seem. These activities are super cute though, and definitely a huge part of the cuffing aspect for me. They all tie in together. Go outside, be chilly and adorable as a couple and come into the warmth hearth awaiting you to snuggle with a hot cup of cocoa. Bliss, much?

Couldn’t agree more my friend. Except, no one could make you not look like a dehydrated camel wandering through the desert for 40 years. #sorrynotsorry

Let it sizzle out organically.I once made the mistake of carrying on a cuffing season relationship way past its expiration date, while simultaneously attempting to keep it casual enough to see other people. The guy being French, the whole thing ended with a jealous rage (his) and a homicidal attempt at a Sunday Sundae party on the Seine (mine). Unless it’s the real deal, cut your losses and get out before somebody gets hurt.(Or falls off a boat. Whoops.)

I want to read the blog post about that situation :p

It’s true, I don’t need something forever, just something to occupy my time for a couple dreary winter weeks. I don’t know man. If we could survive the cuffing season together, it might be worth it to try being in a legitimate relationship. Maybe it’s just me being a hopeless romantic. But, I feel like I’m in “cuffing season” pretty much all year round. Even in summer, I’m reminded of the many activities that are best done as a couple. It’s inescapable to a struggling single like myself.

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I really loved Dbag’s Dating Guide to Cuffing Season as all the rules of conduct please both you and your special someone. The only problem is finding that person that you’d so love to spoil. Having not met anyone remotely interesting lately, I have come up with an accompanying definition for Urban Dictionary:

Cuffing Season Blues: the needless, over-emotional feelings of insecurity and loneliness associated with being single during the “most wonderful time of the year”.

1. Ugh, I don’t want to be on any dating apps. They’re such a waste of time.Is this a sign I’ve given up on finding someone the traditional way? AM I UNLOVEABLE IN A TRADITIONAL SENSE?I’m pretending to be above online dating, but I want to find my TINDERELLA tale too!

2. …Well maybe I’ll try [insert app], people seem to like it. My friend just downloaded it and met her boyfriend on there so it must be chill.I’ll just focus on this one success while ignoring the countless stories of fuckbois from friends who have had no luck at all.Ya, total denial of horror stories is advisable if you want even a chance to survive 30 seconds on any dating app.

3. Ok which of my Instagram pics would make the best profile pic?And how edited can I get away with without catfishing the poor guy who swipes right?How old is too old for my pictures to be? I looked way cuter 3 years ago.

4. Right, so now what do I say on my profile? Do I try to be witty and cute or do I say nothing and work the mysterious angle?Ex. My current description: “peace, love and pizza” as told by emojis.Same here- I basically just profess my love for food, they don’t actually care what I’m about anyways.

5. Profile’s done!What a carefully curated piece of artwork- I should be in a museum.

6. Oh he’s cute *swipes right.*Dayyyum, how do I get with that?

6.1. Oh he’s super cute! Does that warrant a super like?

7. Ugh this guy looks like an asshole *swipes left.*Fukboi 101 alert.

8. There’s no way I would be his type *swipes left.*

8.1. I’ll swipe right on this guy because I have a feeling he did too *swipes right*

9. Is that my ex-boyfriend’s torso? *Favorites*Uh. No thanks. He’s called an ex for a reason.

10. Hmm this guy looks really hot in this picture but in this one not so much *not so sure where to swipe*. [Closes app, as if to really think it through].Men, stop trying to trick us. We’re way too paranoid to swipe wrong for your “method” to work.

10.1 *Swipes right anyway hoping he looks like the cute pics* Apparently the method works on some of us…

11. OMG it’s been like 20 minutes and I don’t have any matches. Am I ugly! What’s wrong with society!Thinking positively – maybe they just haven’t seen me yet? It needs to time to load….

12. Whatever I’m so over it.I never wanted this dumb app anyway (this is a lie).

13. Deletes app.Or just ignores it for a while. This usually lasts 2-3 weeks, based on my previous experience. Until you’re bored enough to try it out again…

14. Repeat 2-10.

15. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling into the wee hours of the night.

15.1 I’ll just swipe until my next match.

15.2 I’ll just swipe until my next chat.

15.3 I’ll just swipe until I’m done shitting.

16. Goes to sleep, finally. Wakes up, phone underneath pillow, excited to see that there are so many new matches and messages! With only a few creeps to spare!

17. Today is going to be a good day.I walk with a strut in my step. The sidewalk is my runway. Bitch, move out of the way.WERK.

30. This guy says he’s only into other fit masculine normal guys. I mean…

31. Oh he looks fun, I’ll message him.

32. We’ve been sending cute messages back and forth for like 2.5 days now, maybe it’s time we TOOK THIS TO WHATSAPP.Baby steps now, we don’t want to scare him off.

32.1. I don’t get WiFi in the office and Tinder is eating up all my data…

33. Just ask for my number!This is so the biggest step when dating online.

33.1. Praying he asks for my number before people catch me on tinder in public. Current life status.

34. Ok his name is David, I know way too many Davids.

35. But this David has really nice abs.

36. So I’ll put him in as David Abs, which is different from David Tinder and David Total Top. It’s fine – I only need to know the difference anyways.

37. Messaging with someone you haven’t even met is so fun! We connect so well even just through typing! My soulmate!We have so many superficial similarities. It’s like he gets me or something.

38. You love picking up the phone and seeing all the green Whatsapp notifications. It’s like you’re winning. No notifications is very sad 😦Winning at the game we call life.

39. Something always goes wrong at this stage of the courting. Because the guys online always take it one step too far – Ex. “Hit me up tomorrow” “Oh ya, I’ll hit you, but only if you hit me back ;)” NO. JUST NO.

43. Ok well that was terrible. NEXT.Oh god why did he have to try and hypnotize me in public. Shameless plug: see Mr. Hypnotist post for the details.

44. Scenario #3: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.

45. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about, I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.

46. After the first date he disappears completely. Messages are much less frequent.What did I do to turn him off? Was there not a mutually intense connection?

47. Scenario #4: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.

48. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about! I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.

49. Gradually we’re hanging out more and more.

50. He sleeps over.Tehehehe. An adult sleepover.Very mature Miranda…

51. He starts leaving things at my place — a tooth brush, a clean pair of underwear. He brings the coffee he likes and stores it in my cupboard.Like, does this ever really happen though?Never. The tell-tale sign is usually the girl leaving the bobby pins at the guys place.

52. He’s my boyfriend! Like official boyfriend anyway. I considered him mine after the second date. HAHAH Bitch, you crazy.

53. Where did you two meet?

54. lol.

55. Do we tell the truth or do we lie and say “mutual friends”?

55.1. Secret desire is not to meet anyone awesome on tinder so the meet-cute shared at your wedding doesn’t revolve around an app designed for getting laid.

56. Maybe online dating isn’t so bad after all.

57. Ok we’ve been dating for [insert length of time] now…why are you still on Tinder/Hinge/OkCupid/Grindr/Match? Should I still be too??

58. Hmmm.

59. When it ends — if it does — repeat 1-58. It’s back to the notification screen.

So, thought catalog got it pretty spot on…more or less.

Agreed. They did really well in the beginning, but lost me in that last part. If we successfully found someone on tinder, we probably wouldn’t be here right now writing this post.

At least there’s comfort in knowing that although online dating is a huge fail, at least we’re not failing alone.

Yea…cuz you can really cuddle up with the idea of not failing alone on a Saturday night…