As a new week and a new month are beginning, I am once again embarking. It’s cold and crisp here with fresh powdery snow on the ground. I am thankful for a new beginning in my journey to freedom.

I’ve begun journaling about this path and I want to share some of what I write here. I’m also keeping a food journal at the same time to hopefully become more aware of what and why I eat as I do.

I wrote the following yesterday:

Tomorrow is Monday. January feels like it has been one long binge. I feel terrible. Unhealthy, uncomfortable and gross.

Issues must be addressed. Change must happen or I will eat myself into an early grave.

I’ve been waiting for some magic to happen, for me to suddenly “get it”. Instead my habit patterns and behaviors have jest become more engrained and set.

I know that there is a mix of addiction, habit patterns, laziness and fear at work.

What’s the “solution”? How can I get free? For the long-term, for the rest of my life?

I have a feeling that this will be a life-long battle. That scares me and makes me sad, but I know that it is most likely the truth.

I know that a diet is not the answer despite the fact that my biggest struggle is with food.

My ultimate dream and desire is that I will eat healthy tasty foods in moderation, in response to hunger. That I would be able to enjoy food without being a slave to food.

I am praying that if I invest the time now – the effort, the hard work – that one day I will move into maintenance mode. I don’t doubt that there will always be a struggle, but I pray that it won’t be so intense.

I’ve struggled with my weight, my relationship with food, myself for so long. I have read and tried so many diets/plans/lifestyle programs and I am worse off than ever I was.

After looking into intuitive eating and the damage that is caused by dieting, I am terribly afraid of going on a diet. The last one I went on was a competition-based diet. I lost 13 pounds and have since regained all of it and feel like I am still responding to it by bingeing and compulsive eating. That was six months ago.

I’ve been waiting for something to click in my head and just “get” it. To be able to eat naturally and intuitively. Nothing has clicked. I am 41 years old and I haven’t figured this thing out.

I have so much knowledge and yet I feel like I fail so miserably in this area of my life.

I was talking to my husband yesterday about this and my renewed determination to change. I am going to be counting calories and tracking my workouts. I am going to work on good habits and focus on this area of my life. I said to him that although this new way of doing things isn’t “natural”, I didn’t become this heavy in a natural way either. It was the result of out of control eating. So for now, I am imposing some control on myself.

I am taking lessons learned from all the diets I’ve tried, all the books I’ve read and I’m making my own plan. I’ll outline that in a future post. While I do believe that diets are unhealthy overall and that they do more damage than good, there are things I’ve read and learned along the way that are helpful and healthful for me.

I am taking charge and doing the things that I know I can do, things that will move me forward. I know I don’t have all the answers now and I will face things in the future that I’m not sure how I’ll deal with, but I am doing something now and we’ll see where it leads.

Ah. The weekend wasn’t the worst, food-wise, but it wasn’t great. Then, yesterday, was completely sucky. I broke every “rule”, completely ignored my cues and felt miserable. When will I learn that food won’t really make me feel any better about life or myself?

Again, I am confronted by friends and people I know who are dieting and losing weight. I have a friend who starts Medifast tomorrow. It is so appealing to me. Just do something drastic to get a jump-start and then start eating intuitively. I want to have quick results. I know that it doesn’t work for me though. It is incredibly tempting.

It’s warming up here and so this morning I had the distinct displeasure of trying on shorts and capris. Hardly anything fit. Things that last year were fine. Sigh. So frustrating. I have so many fabulous clothes that I can’t wear. I love clothes and fashion and I find myself just looking for stuff that is comfy and covers me up.

I have been very sensitive to cues today and it’s tremendously empowering. I enjoy what I eat. It’s such a revolutionary concept if I can just learn to feed my emotional self in other ways besides food.

Anyway, I am feeling hopeful today. This is my life, these are my choices, I have choices. Thankful.

So for a very long time, I’ve known that Intuitive Eating is the answer to my weight issues. I’ve tried so many diets, programs, pills. I have temporary success only to rebel against the diet and regain it all, plus more. So I find myself at my heaviest in all my life. Feeling hopeless and helpless, but ready to give this a try.

I know that I have issues with food. I know most of the reasons and along with the intuitive eating principles, I will need to deal with and look at those issues.

I have half-heartedly been doing the intuitive eating (hereafter refered to as IE) thing for a couple fo months. Mostly just the giving myself permission to eat what I want and sort of listening to my body to know when I need to eat. I haven’t lost anything, but I haven’t gained either. Mostly because I don’t listen to the STOP cues!

So I have challenged myself (I love to have a challenge) to get very serious about IE for the next twelve weeks. Regardless of weekends or holidays. I was inspired by this quote that I saw on Pinterest… “It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice. Give it 12 weeks. Don’t QUIT!”

I know so many people who have recently lost a lot of weight – they have done it with calorie counting, intense exercise and I just don’t think I can go down that road again. I need to make changes that will last, lifestyle changes. So here I go.

I totally porked out yesterday – a subconscious last meal.

I got hungry very early this morning which I love. I ate my homemade sausage muffin and a cup of coffee. We’ll see how long that lasts me.

My plan is to post here everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Just gotta talk it out!