hey kath post whatever you want....nobody can keep it all inside...just let it out and how knows you might feel a twinkle better for doing it...its hard to think that nobody cares but im right here and i do...just talk to me ok

im sorry everyone.i think i used the wrong wording here.i guess i didnt mean its pointless to post.It isnt pointless to post.i guess i just meant that i know i will die wahtever i post.Tahts what i meant.But i used tthe wrong words and im sorry.i didnt think carefully enough about how others would understand me and im not even sure i understood so much myself then.

i just know that whatever i write i will die from suicide soon.That doesnt mean posting is pointless.Far from it.It just makes it harder to post sometimes.

i feel that as im taking very high levels of a mixture of medication [though of the same medication group but shouldnt be mixed] at the moment [somewhat above the recommended daily dose] and i feel there is no point in going on.It has been this way for me for a while.It has increased over time.The outlook for me is not good and it is just the reality of my sitaution.Now my health has deteroiated greatly over time.Dont feel able to go into details but i i feel i have little or no personal dignity left.It just makes me need not to be here even more.But i guess it was always going to be like this.i dont mind death for myself.In fact i need it.i need it so so much.i jsut feel bad for letting others down and guilty if ever i post cos im posting knowing im gonna die anyway.....doesnt seem right.

Doesnt seem fair to others here if i post.Especially with that knowledge.

I don't think it's unfair at all. I think it would be unfair on you if anyone made you feel like you shouldn't post! hmy:

I think you should post as often as you want :smile: No matter how trivial it seems. There's always a chance that you will make it out of the darkness that you are in right now. I know there is a chance because other people have managed it. I can't say I have yet either, but you need to try to hold on to that tiny slither of hope. That chink of light.

i have had counselling and therapy previously though never through the NHS some of these experiences have been very hard for me to deal with though but probably my fault that they were how they were].They have a habit of saying im too unstable then i nearly got a psychologist after wating so long once and then they said no cos i had to move out of refuge to another area [refuge is temporary and you get told when your moving] and ended up in a different area.The new mental health team here have refused to take me on so i didnt end up with a psychologist.i have had Community Psychiatric nurses,social worker s and psycharists at times before and some helped a little but not a great deal.The new team wont take me on cos they know theres nothing mroe that can be done for me.i dont blame them.i wouldnt want me on the books either if i was them.Its clear whata the outcome is going to be here.i feel like we are all just waiting for me to die.......and we are.And even they know what now.As for medication im not on anything prescribed.i used to be a few years ago but not now.It never helped even when i took various things properly [some over quite long periods of time].At the most one or two only helped a very very little with my anxiety or sleep.Not even enough for me to want them back but in the end after trying so much and taking them properly for so long and them not working i ended up taking some serious overdoses on prescribed medication.That was one of my failings i know and not what should be done but nothing was working and i had to find a way for it to help me.......killing me was the only way i could see for it to be of 'benefit'.They had to stop prescribing to me after i took the serious overdoses so im not on prescribed medicaiton anymore.They even took away what they had had to give me for problems with my stomach after id overdosed once.They told me i would be on it long term but i had that taken off too.Cant say i blame them.i didnt respect myself enough.Still dont so i took that in overdose too.i now know that particular med wouldnt have been anywhere near fatal but i didnt have time to research it then before like i usually do.i was just so desperate.i just took it in OD.But if id researched it i wouldnt have bothered.So yeah but that was all a few years ago and i havent been on meds prescribed since and im not on any prescribed psych meds or anything now.And i didnt and still dont really care.It helped me too little and id tried so many different things and taken them all properly for so long.i just want some peace.i used to want something.i used to think they would find something that would work.i used to feel denied but now i dont even want them back.Any of it.i just want to overdose all the time.i need th4e hope of death.As for the combination of what im taking in large doses daily7 now i dont think im allowed to say that on the main forum.Sorry.But i hope it will kill me soon.i go around to so many different pharmacies buying the different stuff.i am in debt and hurting.My life is about my death and i deserve punishment [which is partly why i do things the way i do] but i need an ending to this now and others needing an ending too so that they can get on with their lives.i need peace and they need to be able to get on.i must be punished but death please come soon.i need you.i cant hang on.

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I'm so sorry you've come up against so much trying to get help via the NHS. I'm sure it's not that they 'know you're a lost cause' though, everywhere has awful waiting lists and not enoguh money, it's a sad fact that they're always happier to take in people they can easily cure.

If you went to A&E and told them you were going to kill yourself then you'd be admitted to a psych hospital. Is that worth thinking about?

Whereabouts in the UK are you? Lots of organisations offer free or very very cheap counselling. I could look into that for you if you wanted?

Do you feel comfortable to tell me what caused your depression in the first place? Was there something like an assault or a death or bullying or anything?

How things are?Um not very good but thats my own fault!!Hugs.i hope your ok.i know you werent having a go.Trust me hun i flap about anything when im not feeling so well.Yes i know this site inside out and i am indebted to it and a lot of people here including you hun and its great to see you around!!i miss you so so much.Might PM you when im not feeling so physically weak sometime to see how your doing if you dont mind hun??Big hugs.

Maybe im just closer to peace through my death now.Mybe thats one positive of feeling so physically unwell.Maybe i ahouldnt want anyone to take away all that unwellness now if its gonona lead to my peace in the long run.Maybe i should protect it.Maybe it means somehow im finally getting somewhere.Finally getting closer to peace.Whilst also being punished at the same time before i get the peace [odd how something can serve such a dual purpose hey?!].If im close to death then hopefully im close to peace??Thats one comforting thought for me right now anyhow.

Maybe im closer to some form of peace than ive ever been before on my journey...........