VEXATIOUS VIRGO...

The Jittery Journeys of July 2004

Greetings, analytical imbeciles! Last month we left you living the simple life and ready to embark on yet another crusade to make the world a better place for all to live in (snigger). For you’ve become a Luddite, eschewing the world of technology and machinery for the old-fashioned world of manual dexterity (a well known Spanish juggler). You wash by hand, write by hand, clean by hand, do everything by hand, my little virginal twerps! Except, of course, engage in the functions performed by the sexual apparatus mentioned in last month’s forecast. There’s nothing like a little dose of fur and studs, applied with good leverage, is there, O denizens of the sign of Aries-on-the-eighth-house-cusp! Thus you plan to take over the world by hand, but are things going to go according to plan? Not in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods!

Let us now track the path of the vile and bitter prognostications for joyless July. A Full Moon comes in the depressing sign of the Goat and we find you grinding the gears of your pleasure machine, making minor adjustments to the height of the studs (for personal reasons) and working on a formula by which the fur may be effectively cleaned (for obvious reasons). For the moment, you put aside your desire to rid the world of machines, but only so you may have adequate time in which to plan your strategies and organize your resources to this mighty end. Somehow, the machine seems to give you the sense of relaxation and comfort needed for you to go ahead with this process. In fact, as marauding Mars grinds the gears of idiot Uranus, you’re grinding the gears of your love machine to the extent that you even begin discussing your plans with this device.

By my little brown bottle, virginal lunatics, it’s as though Perky (an affectionate nickname you’ve bestowed upon her/him) has become a partner, sharing not just one but all of your most intimate moments. But your passionate devotion to Perky is about to have unforeseen consequences! Oh yes! Marauding Mars and mischievous Mercury clash with the Lunar Nodes, creating a noisy havoc with the operations of your little darling and your own natural responses.

Suffice to say that the night air in this tiny town is not as tranquil as one would anticipate from its remote location. While you are absorbed (Mercury and Mars opposing nasty Neptune) in a kind of ecstatic spiritual search for all the permutations Perky can produce, the New Moon in neurotic Cancer brings the villagers to your door, wondering what the fuss is about. Filled with ecstatic love for your new companion, you overcome your natural reticence and tell all.

While some are shocked, others show a marked interest and ask if such services are obtainable via the medium of coin of the realm. Sleazy planets cavort in tawdry aspect to one another and you decide to introduce selected persons of the requisite standard of personal cleanliness to the joys of Perky, for a small remuneration to cover the cost of cleaning, fur and stud replacement and personal operation of the more sensitive levers. At the Full Moon in idiot Aquarius, you find you have a thriving business and something of a reputation in the village.

But what’s happened to your great plan to save the world, my little nitwits? Or is there a method in this deviant madness we have not yet espied? Click here next month for more of the bitter truth.