A fucked up day in the Middle 3/10/2018

Today is already so long and shitty and its EARLY for me! My day started like this. The original owner to a group I ran decided to take it back. AFTER I built it from 800 members to 74 THOUSAND MEMBERS in a year and a half.

Because we didnt know what was happening we asked that people follow us over to my other page. Well she FLIPPED and blocked my AND still has all my content. Photos of my kids VIDEOS of my grandkids IN THAT GROUP! and I cant even delete them! Im freaking out!

As a lot of you know I have a lot of issues and one of the majors is sensory. And when I overload I claw at myself as a coping mechanism. I know fucking weird right? Its my way to not have a total meltdown. Well I bloodied my face and I feel like my skin is crawling and Im still on the verge of total melt down. I do have meds to help but they dont seem to be doing it at all today. Im sitting here shaking trying to not claw at myself or allow myself to just totally shut down. I CANT totally shut down,

Working isnt a option! I have four families who count on income from my working to pay for things they need…ya know like utilities and a roof over their head. Thats a lot of stress! But I never thought it would be an issue! I mean after all I worked my ass off and built up HUGE groups! I never dreamed someone would say “Ok you did all the work, paid all the money to build and gave your life up for a year and a half…now Im gonna just take it from you.”

I never thought anyone could or would do that! I mean I wouldnt do it. But I guess thats just me?

Now Im freaking out! I dont know what will happen and a big part of what is wrong with me is I NEED consistent. I do the same things ALWAYS. Think MONK or Sheldon…I eat the same foods from the same places. I sit in the same spots. I drink the same drinks and I dont handle changes well at all. Small things like people not folding a towel right that would be no big deal to most people will stress me out. I will refold the towel…then stress out as to WHY the person did it that way. Was it on purpose? DO they just not know? Do they think its funny watching me refold it…. You get the idea! And to make it worse a year later I will think about that towel and re stress out over it. Ill be freaking out over a towel a year ago. Then I will need to go check on my towels. Not one or two..I will take out all 30 or so and REFOLD them all and put them away…and when Im LUCKY I wont go do it again 5 times cause I think MAYBE one might be off.

That is why working online suits me. Its usually consistent. I can get lost in the groups and the deals! Most days my biggest stress is a few trouble makers that we just throw out! And I carry in hunting deals!

Today is way way way out of my comfort zone. Ive clawed my face. Im throwing up and I cant change it. I dont do well with shit I cant change either! EVERYTHING in my day to day life is set up around my not getting overwhelmed! From where my chair sits in the livingroom to the temperature of my house! Im really hoping that the DRs plan of a double dose of anxiety meds does the trick! My Dr. in VA would have had me go in for a few shots and just knocked me out. I dont want that though! I want to figure this out and get myself right again! I feel like sleeping doesnt do anything! You wake up and youre right where you where when you fell off from the world.

I know MOST our members will follow us over to the new room (AND I LOVE YA ALL FOR THAT!) its just the change and no control that is killing me here! Want to add to the stress? Mick broke the window on the landing of the stairs tossing down a cardboard box from Bellamies TV.

Maybe I need to learn Yoga? Anyone here do yoga? Any tips?

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Girl I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand most of what you spoke about. I have to do things online as well because I cannot handle the many variables of society. Prayers for you and I will help in any way I can, just let me know.

I feel for you! I have major anxiety and panic disorder, but I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I hope things get better for you! Just know that we will follow you, so try not to worry about that…easier said than done, I know! God bless you!
Dawn