Church newsletter bloopers

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care
much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is
Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
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Weight-Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
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“Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the reasons that we have so little that becomes great. We don’t have great schools, principally because we have good schools. We don’t have great government, principally because we have good government. Few people attain great lives, precisely because it is easy to settle for a good life. The vast majority of companies never become great precisely because they become quite good — and that is their main problem.”

Albert Einstein arrives at the Pearly Gates. The good lord greets him and asks whether he has any questions.

“How did you create all this? The animals, people, the whole world”, Einstein inquires.

God produced a blackboard and starts writing an enormous equation, filling up the entire blackboard.

Einstein looks at it, frowns and shakes his head, saying, “But my Lord, there are so many mistakes”.

“You’re telling me”, God replies.

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The only cow in a small town in Victoria stopped giving milk. Eventually the townspeople found a replacement cow in Woy Woy, New South Wales, which proved a gem. It produced lots of milk and everybody was very happy. They decided to breed with it, so they bought a bull and put it out in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close, the cow would move away. The people wre very upset and asked the local vet what to do.

“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away”, they said. “If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.”

The vet thought for a moment and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Woy Woy?”

The people were dumbfounded since they hadn’t mentioned where they had bought the cow.

“You are truly a wise vet”, they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?”

The vet replied, with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Woy Woy.”

—

other funny jokes

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?”

The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in
your other hand?”

“Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll
be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, “I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish
me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?”

The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the chickens.”
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of
our days’.

Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign
from God! But you’re still at fault. Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens
it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….’

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My G-d, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

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Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?”
Wife: “I clean the toilet ..”
Husband: “How does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush!”

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Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to the football game. At
the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis
buy just one ticket.

‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks one of
the Aussies.

‘Watch and learn,’ answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The three Aussies take their respective seats but all
three Kiwis cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after
the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, ‘Ticket, please. The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes
it and moves on.

The Aussies see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three Kiwis don’t buy any
ticket at all!!

‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ says one perplexed Aussie.

‘Watch and learn,’ answer the Kiwis.

When they board the train, the three Aussies cram themselves into a toilet, and
the three Kiwis cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after
the train is on its way, one of the Kiwis leaves his toilet and walks over
to the toilet in which the Aussies are hiding. The Kiwi knocks on their door
and says, ‘Ticket, please.

Gentlemen, I take it we are all in complete agreement on the decision here…Then I propose we postpone further discussion. . .to give ourselves time to develop disagreement. ~ Alfred Sloan

To understand all is to forgive all. ~ French saying.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. ~ Franklin P. Jones

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~ Barnett R. Brickner

Ideas that spread win. ~ Seth Godin

I wish to have as my epitaph: ‘Here lies a man who was wise enough to bring into his service men who knew more than he.’ ~ Andrew Carnegie

Try not to become a man of success, but rather to become a man of value. He is considered successful in our day who gets more out of life than he puts in. But a man of value will give more than he receives. ~ Albert Einstein

The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. ~ Roy Croft

Every exit is an entry somewhere. ~ Tom Stoppard

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. ~ Lao-Tzu

The reward of a thing done well is to have done it. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you are not working on. ~ Unknown

It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don’t have to. ~ Walter Linn

Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. ~ Howard Aiken

How do I know what I think until I hear what I say? ~ E. M. Forster

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas. ~ Linus Pauling

Only he who attempts the absurd is capable of achieving the impossible. ~ Miguel Unamuno

Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy. ~ Robert Heinlein

One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh. ~ Robert Heinlein

Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. ~ Robert Heinlein

When one teaches, two learn. ~ Robert Heinlein

Belief gets in the way of learning. ~ Robert Heinlein

What people say, what people do, and what they say they do are entirely different things. ~ Margaret Mead

It ain’t what you know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. ~ Mark Twain

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. ~ Abraham Lincoln

The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it’s the same problem you had last year. ~ John Foster Dulles

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done. ~ Peter Drucker