The (not so royal) Town of Sutton Coldfield

So, You’ve recently been ‘out cost’ by London’s ridiculously expensive rent costs and you decide “Sutton Coldfield, sounds like a really calm and tranquil town! We should move here”

Well my fellow human, in the words of Admiral Ackbar, “IT’S A TRAP”

You probably know Sutton as that sweet town with really good quality schooling and a lovely little shopping centre where you could pop down the shop for a scone with jam and cream whilst no one would bat and eyelid at the rather questionable M&S knitwear designed soulfully to keep the elderly warm. Now, rather unfortunately, it’s slipping into that point of no return. Having recently fallen victim to the numerous knife crimes and spreading disease formally known as ‘Falcon Lodge’ (Yes, I can call it a disease as everyone I’ve spoken too who lives on ‘the lodge’ calls it a cesspool), Sutton has become the one and only place where you have to wear some kind of chest protection to walk around the town centre, especially after 8pm.

To make life easier, I am going to write a couple of key aspects when it comes to why you should NEVER consider moving to Sutton and rethinking your options to somewhere like, I don’t know, Anywhere.

The Town Centre.

I know I touched upon this in the previous introductory paragraph but I haven’t mentioned the one true watering hole of all things Lodge. McDonalds. Now you’re probably thinking ‘What could possibly be wrong with a McDonalds, It’s a kid friendly place!’. You couldn’t be any more wrong. For starts, they have a security guard on the door simply because that place has become notorious for drug deals and casual hookups. I know, hookups… But that’s not the worst part, the worst part comes when you go in there at 8pm and they are forced to play classical music simply because it baffles the mind of the simpleton who only ever listens to something with 4 bars of a repetitive beat!
McDonalds though, is not the worst part about the town centre, no no. The worst part is when you consider the fact that they have a security guard, in Poundland. F**king poundland. And that is simply because that place has been ram-raided more times than Aston Villa have seen goals conceded against them in the past 4 years!

The schools

If you have a child aged between 11 and 18, there are two main schools in Sutton, Fairfax and John-Wilmott. Anyone who knows of the two schools will know that Wilmott is considered [in the writer’s view alone – Ed] the scum school out of the two. Sadly now I am struggling to see the difference. With Fairfax introducing new laws [allegedly] reminiscent to the 3rd Reich, It seems that their head teacher, not naming names… [so we won’t – Ed], has a lot on his head in terms of happiness levels in that school! One thing I am going to say though, is that if you want the highest A-Level and GCSE grades in the country and to be “Competing with grammar schools such as Bishop Vesey” then stop [allegedly] banning kids from having things such as a coat on their person, and a mobile phone on their person. And even a basic human right of some f*cking colour rather than that f*ck ugly Grey and Yellow you’ve got going on!

The Nightlife

Birmingham has Broadstreet, Liverpool has its dockside clubs. Sutton has Molloys. Now I’m not going to put this infamous pub-club down as it can be a pretty good night out, but when you consider the minuscule floor space and the 500 or so people who get in, you’re in for a very sweaty and uncomfortable night. First, you’ll begin your night with some traditional pre drinks down the Bottle of Sack, a Wetherspoons by trade which means stupidly cheap drinks, but make sure you get there early because the bar staff can’t seem to handle the hordes of people looking for a £2.45 pint of Carlsberg. After this rather rammed pre drinks session, you’ll make your way to Molloys where you’ll experience expensive drinks, claustrophobia and allegedly, every single STD under the sun, and at least 6 fights. After about 4 hours of sweating the alcohol away and losing all your mates most likely to one of Sutton’s many [allegedly] underage women of the night, the house lights will come on and you’ll be greeted with a stab wound and Chlamydia! However, if you do not have either of these, Sutton’s other notorious night club ‘Rumour’ will provide you with both of those and more with a £5 entrance fee.