Thursday, July 31, 2014

I love vacations as much as the next drunk, but I’ve had more than a few go
horribly wrong. Sometimes it happens because I stayed in a shitty hotel room
that had no hot water, no cable, and more semen stains than towels. Sometimes
it happens because someone accidentally brought light beer. I believe it should
be legal to bludgeon those people with hammers, but there’s a difference
between an honest accident and keeping a secret. For O5 Cyclops, he’s on a
vacation that any Star Trek fan would gladly give their left testicle to go on.
He’s cruising around the galaxy with his father, meeting hot alien girls and
raiding Badoon space ships. It has made for the kind of quality father/son time
that we don’t usually see in comics because apparently, quality father/son time
is about as rare as vibranium.

But as well as Corsair has done for himself, he’s still keeping a secret
from his son and that secret has to do with that lingering tidbit that has been
touched on yet not explained: he’s supposed to be dead. O5 Cyclops isn’t old
enough to understand that death is a revolving door at a discount whore house
in the Marvel universe. He has no idea that his father has been beating off the
Grim Reaper in secret. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to come clean and
Cyclops #3 promises to leave him with little choice. I still say it’s not as
egregious as bringing light beer to a family reunion, but that’s just me.

It might end up having to be sooner because while O5 Cyclops is a teenager,
he’s not stupid. He’s going to pick up on signs that his father is keeping
something from him. And being a teenager, he’s definitely going to pick up on
it when it involves drugs. I’m not sure if he was subjected to the same
anti-drug PSAs back in the past, but I imagine Charles Xavier made it a point
to not have his X-men get high. In addition to his father possibly being a drug
addict, he has also noticed that no matter where they go, some alien bounty
hunter is there waiting to frame their heads and drink whiskey out of their
empty skulls. Teenagers might not have the knowledge or experience of adults,
but they’re smart enough to know when something just ain’t right.

O5 Cyclops, who had been documenting all the ways this shit ain’t right in a
journal, hasn’t yet confronted his father about this issue. He doesn’t get much
of a chance because while he’s still dressed in pajamas, their stolen Badoon
ship decides to go batshit and they crash land on some planet with purple
skies, blue trees, and three-headed cows. It’s basically the cover of a Jimi
Hendrix album. But to O5 Cyclops’ credit, he doesn’t lose his shit. He’s an
X-man. Planes and spaceships crashing is right up there will killer robots in basic
X-men training. It’s a rough landing, as would be expected. Corsair assures his
son that he has crashed plenty of times. Being a pilot and a space pirate, that’s
not something to brag about. He even claims he has crashed on worse planets.
Again, that’s nothing to brag about and O5 Cyclops is keen to remind him of
that.

Once they emerge from the wreckage, they take in just how fucked they are.
There’s no way the ship is going to fly again. They’re stranded on an alien
planet with limited supplies and no hot alien women for them to seduce. It’s
pretty bad. O5 Cyclops even admits that he’s scared. That’s saying a lot for a
guy who recently got up in Gladiator’s face and told him to piss off. But it’s a
nice way of showing that while he might be the leader of the X-men, he’s also
still a teenager. That’s something we really don’t see much from adult Cyclops.
It’s pretty hard when an adult Cyclops was doing things like leading the entire
mutant race, fighting off Sentinels, and boning Emma Frost and Jean Grey. O5
Cyclops hasn’t become that man yet. He still leans on his father.

It’s pretty bad, but there’s another major reason why they should be
prepared to shit their pants at a moment’s notice. Apparently, the reason why
some alien thug bounty hunters were always waiting to pounce on them was because
their stolen Badoon ship had a tracking gizmo on board. That means if someone
is going to come by and rescue them, it’s going to be bounty hunters and not
the space equivalent of the Coast Guard. It’s basically the premise of a much
more exciting version of Cast Away.

This father/son road trip in space has now become an impromptu camping trip.
It’s not the best circumstances under which to do a little father/son bonding,
but it’s not the worst. Sure, it would help if they had some fishing poles and
a six-pack of beer, but they find a way to make due. They set up a camp, start
a fire, and learn the lay of the land. It’s not Bear Gryles in that they haven’t
resorted to drinking their own piss yet, but there are no alien snakes or
tigers yet. So it could definitely be worse.

Before the situation can get any worse, O5 Cyclops decides it’s probably as
good a time as any to confront him about the drugs he’s been shooting up. He’s
not in a place where he can just buy him some ice cream or a new X-box to shut
him up. He has to come clean now. For O5 Cyclops, it’s overdue. But it’s even
more overdue for everyone else because this has been an ongoing plot for a
while now. Hints have been dropped, but explanations have been more lacking
than the last two seasons of Heroes. Now Corsair, knowing a teenage son is
prone to making some fucked up assumptions, comes clean.

He reveals that these drugs he’s taking aren’t the good kind that make
people feel like they’re resting between Pamela Anderson’s breasts while
sipping margaritas. These drugs are keeping him alive. He confirms what others
pointed out during The Trial of Jean Grey. He was indeed dead. He was as dead
as Adam Sandler’s chances of winning an Oscar. But he’s alive now and the only
way for him to stay alive is to inject himself with illegal alien nanomachines
that some alien authorities find scary as hell. That, or they just watched
Termiantor and the Matrix way too much. It still sounds slightly less risky
than some of the weight loss drugs I see advertised during football games.

But what gives this revelation emotional weight is the reason Corsair gives
for keeping this from O5 Cyclops. He didn’t want to share the story about how
he died. Seriously, who wants to tell that story? Who would even imagine that
it would come up? For Corsair, this involves revealing more unpleasant stories
about how O5 Cyclops has another brother, who happened to be ripped from his
mother by D’ken before he killed her. It also involves revealing how his little
brother went batshit crazy, went on a murder spree, and ended up killing him.
O5 Cyclops just learned his father was alive. Now he has to deal with having a
deranged little brother. That only promises to make it even harder around the
holidays.

It’s not a bullshit reason to keep this sort of thing from his teenage son.
It’s not like he kept knowledge about condoms and credit card debt from him.
Corsair takes it even further though, saying that the rest of the Starjammers
refused to just let him stay dead, another victim of his deranged son. So
thanks to Hepzibah, they exhumed his body and brought him back to life with help
from The Shrouded. I don’t know what The Shrouded is, but their work on
resurrection must be sub-standard because they only brought him back to the
point where he still needs drugs to keep himself alive. It’s either that or
Corsair had a really lousy HMO.

This is a pretty important moment and not just because it’s touching in how
a father comes clean to his son in a way that doesn’t involve one of them
losing a limb like in Star Wars. It also closes a pretty gaping plot hole that
had been lingering since The Trial of Jean Grey in that it revealed just how
Corsair came back to life. There are enough egregious plot holes in comics
these days. Each one that gets resolved, no matter how trivial, can only
improve the tangled web of bullshit that is modern comics.

Now with this issue addressed, Corsair and O5 Cyclops and focus on more immediate
concerns, namely Corsair’s limited supply of this drug that’s keeping him
alive. He says he only has enough doses to keep him alive for another 27 days
at the most. He basically has about as much time as it takes for someone to go
through a typical play-through in Skyrim. That’s hardly enough time to help
reassure a teenage boy that he’s not going to grow up to be a complete asshole,
but that won’t stop him from trying.

Corsair doesn’t stop just at filling gaping plot holes either. He’s too much
on a role, that or the drugs he’s taking are just that awesome. He goes onto
explain why he never came back to Earth. He points out how being a slave in the
Shi’ar slave pits and watching D’ken murder his wife in front of him fucked him
up in ways that made him ill-suited to be a parent. It’s not an unreasonable
excuse. When a man is that pissed off at aliens, he just can’t put in the time
and energy necessary to raise his sons in a way that won’t scar them for life.
It’s an emotional moment for Corsair and he hasn’t had many. It’s hard when he’s
got a hot alien woman all over him, but it’s the kind of humility that goes a
long ways, even with teenagers.

That’s not to say that O5 Cyclops shrugs it off. He rightly points out that
as messed up as he was, his sons still needed him. He saw what his adult form
became. That version of Cyclops probably could have benefited from having his
father around. It’s a powerful moment and one that feels like it should have
happened years ago because Cyclops has had moments with his father in the past.
They’ve just never been done this well. But if seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder
Woman costume at Comic Con this year has taught me anything, awesome shit is
worth waiting for.

It might be overdue, but it makes for a very satisfying moment. While this
time didn’t involve hot alien women or epic battles against space pirates, it
did something just as profound. It had a father/son moment full of painful
secrets and unpleasant revelations that didn’t end in a Hamlet rip-off. Corsair
and O5 Cyclops just had a nice, honest conversation in the midst of a shitty
situation and it ended up with them getting closer. They may only have 27 days
left so they don’t have time to be assholes to one another. It’s sad that it
takes these kinds of fucked up circumstances for a father and son to share a
meaningful story, but it’s still very satisfying. In an era where every hero
and villain is so damn vindictive over some pretty petty shit, this is quite an
accomplishment.

This had all the makings of one of those trips where someone enters the
wrong address on a navigator, the car ends up running out of gas, and the
actual destination is in the next time zone. Situations like this that involve
usually end in the kind of yelling and death threats usually reserved for an
episode of Jerry Springer. I’m sure most fathers would want to strangle their
sons Homer Simpson style if they ended up stranded in the middle of nowhere and
vice versa. But that’s not the situation we got with O5 Cyclops and Corsair.
Instead, we got a quiet moment where Corsair comes clean to his son, revealing
everything he had been keeping from him. In some ways this counts as a
post-death bed confession of sorts, which I imagine is fairly common in the
Marvel universe. Corsair tells his son how he died, why he didn’t return, and
that he had a long lost brother that he never knew about. It’s some pretty
heavy shit to lay on a teenager who already learned he grows up to be somewhat
of an asshole. But it’s done in a way that is heartfelt and honest. This doesn’t
lead to the usual, "You have betrayed me, father! I shall dedicate the
rest of my life blaming you for all my problems!" It ends up bringing O5
Cyclops and his dad closer while also filling in some outstanding plot holes
that have been lingering since The Trial of Jean Grey. It’s not going to astonish
anybody with action or epic struggles. But it will give everybody that reads it
a warm and fuzzy feeling inside in a way not found outside the ending of
"Field of Dreams." Cyclops #3 gets a 9 out of 10. A story about a
teenage boy hanging out with his father isn’t usually associated with great
stories. But in this day and age where too many fathers end up becoming Darth
Vadar and too many sons end up becoming George W. Bush, it’s epic in its own
special way. Nuff said!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I get a lot of shit for being brutally honest sometimes. I’ve been slapped
in the face, kicked in the balls, and insulted in ways that would earn most
people a hefty fine from the FCC. But I don’t apologize for being honest. If I
think someone looks fat and ugly and should never take their shirt off in
public, I’m going to point that out. I think I would be a much bigger dick if I
just flat out lied and claimed they had the body of The Rock. Maybe it’s just
the drunk in me, but I think keeping secrets tends to do more damage than any
other illicit activities that people bitch about. Secrets can destroy families
and ruin reputations. Hell, one President was almost impeached for lying about
a blowjob. People take this shit pretty seriously. Now that’s not to say that
Charles Xavier’s secrets are as innocent as a blowjob, but he got lawyers
involved and whenever lawyers get involved in a secret, someone is about to get
screwed over in ways that rival only the IRS. Original Sin has finally tied
into the pages of Uncanny X-men and that means Xavier’s last will and testament
is about to be revealed. Perhaps he knew it would piss a lot of people off so
he made sure someone like She-Hulk was present to read it. I guess he didn’t
trust a Johnny Cochran wannabe to defend himself from pissed off X-men. Now
these secrets, which were only teased in the previous issue, are supposed to be
revealed in Uncanny X-men #24. I’m going to assume that if Clinton can’t get
away with lying about a blowjob, then Charles Xavier has no chance of not
kicking up a shit storm.

The problem is that shit storm can’t even start to stink until Cyclops is
present and at the moment, most of the staff in the Jean Grey Institute hate
his guts and want to piss on his grave. But this isn’t as big a problem as it
seems. Beast, who has since become the hairiest douche-bag not used on a 70s
porn set, reveals that he knows where Cyclops’s base is located and he has
always known. He just chooses not to do jack shit with it, even though he has
been the one bitching and moaning that Cyclops should be thrown in jail.

Get ready because I’m about to go on another anti-Beast rant. I know some
loyal readers of this blog are sick of that shit, but I can’t help it if this
hairy dipshit keeps making it necessary. It’s one thing to just piss and moan
about Cyclops for making decisions that nobody else could make while doing jack
shit to give him more options. It’s quite another when he has the information
he needs to get what he wants and he doesn’t do shit with it. The man could
just text the info to Maria Hill and she would be on Cyclops’ ass within 10
minutes, probably with a bottle of lube. But he doesn’t because he doesn’t want
his life to be dictated by Cyclops’ life? I don’t care how fucking smart he
claims to be, that’s the dumbest shit ever said by someone not named George W.
Bush. He’s not just a douche now. He’s fucking lazy too. Do we really need any more
reasons to hate his guts?

I’ll ease up on the meth and get back to the more pressing issue at hand,
which is Xavier’s will. There is another problem and for once, it has less to
do with Beast’s douche-baggery and more to do with Wolverine’s douche-baggery.
It turns out he didn’t think he would be too successful as the headmaster of a
school. He probably figured no good headmaster ever succeeded with a drinking
problem and anger management issues. So he decided to sign the Jean Grey
Institute over to Charles Xavier when he was still alive, assuming he was going
to fuck it up at some point. Given his history, I can’t say that’s an
unreasonable precaution to take.

For some reason, this surprises She-Hulk. She apparently wasn’t watching
when Cyclops went Dark Phoenix, waged war on the Avengers, and killed Charles
Xavier in a rage. To be fair, the Phoenix tends to fuck people up and he was
provoked, even by Xavier. Even Rachel tries to point that out, but with Hank
McCoy in the room, his douche-baggery will completely overshadow that fact. I
would think She-Hulk would at least have seen this shit trending on Twitter.
Plus, she’s friends with plenty of Avengers who saw it. Hell, she’s even slept
with a few. And she didn’t know? I don’t care how hot she looks in a pants
suit, she has no excuse.

She-Hulk’s ignorance aside, this situation only became a problem when none
of them considered the possibility that Cyclops might be the one that kills
Charles Xavier. For that reason, everybody starts assuming that Xavier left the
school to Cyclops. Again, it’s not wholly unreasonable. Wolverine already
admitted that he’s not confident he’ll be a competent headmaster and at the
time, Storm was married to Black Panther and queen of a whole fucking country.
Why wouldn’t he leave it to his most trusted students? It makes too much sense,
which is why it’s probably bullshit. But they don’t realize that and She-Hulk
says they need to bring him over anyways because the law is nothing if not
inconvenient.

While this legal clusterfuck is just getting warmed up, there’s another
side-plot going on that may or may not be involved in said clusterfuck. In the
previous issue, we were introduced to a new mutant whose powers involve just
blowing the shit up around him. He’s basically a walking Mythbusters re-run.
Naturally, this is the kind of mutant that everyone can point to and claim
Sentinels are both necessary and less scary. The sad part is they might even
have a point. I still argue it’s not as scary as having to deal with SHIELD and
Maria Hill. After the previous arc, I’ve no confidence in her ability to deal
with mutants.

That doesn’t stop her from trying to deal with this guy. His name is Matthew
Malloy and he’s in the process of shitting himself after blowing up a busy
street in North Carolina. He has no idea what’s happening to him and Maria Hill
is talking to him like a fake news caster on Saturday Night Live via drone. She
doesn’t try to befriend him or calm him down. She just starts asking him about
all the damage he’s caused. She might as well walk into a doctor’s office and
ask some guy about his explosive diarrhea.

Once again, Maria Hill fails miserably at containing a mutant issue. She even
manages to lose a couple more SHIELD agents in the process. She might be
qualified to run an organization like SHIELD, but she would suck as a
counselor, a hostage negotiator, or a suicide hotline rep. It’s still not
entirely clear who this Matthew Malloy is or why he’s losing his shit at a time
like this. His new story doesn’t seem to fit a story that’s supposed to be
about Charles Xavier revealing his deepest, darkest secrets. But if nothing
else, this scene helps show why Dark Beast was able to fuck with SHIELD so
effectively in the previous arc.

While Maria Hill is finding another way to fuck up mutant relations, the
Jean Grey Institute staff arrives at Cyclops’ not-so-secret base in Canada. It’s
not pleasant. It’s about as pleasant as a hangover on Monday. It’s so
unpleasant that Cyclops thinks it’s a trick at first, which would be a new low
even for Beast, but Magik verifies that lawyers have gotten involved. And even
Beast’s douche-baggery hasn’t gotten to the point where he’ll get a lawyer involved
just to fuck with him, although at the rate he’s going he’ll get to that point
soon enough.

Lost in the midst of this bitterness is Dazzler’s new look. In the previous
issue, she decided she was too fucked up by what happened with Mystique to be
the preppy disco queen pop star. So she decided to go all Courtney Love, minus
the heroine and yeast infections. And nobody fucking notices? I get that Xavier’s
will is more pressing, but most people notice when a pretty blonde becomes a
pissed off goth. Hell, I’m pretty sure half the movies on the Hallmark Channel
are built around that premise.

At the very least, Dazzler doesn’t completely fade into the background.
After the rest of Cyclops’ team voice concern about him traveling alone to an
institute full of X-men who hate his guts, some decide to go with him. This
includes Kitty Pryde, Magik, Emma Frost, and the new-look Dazzler. It’s not
nearly enough to oppose the kind of douche-baggery that Beast will probably
confront them with if shit goes south. But at least Cyclops can say he’ll go
into battle with four beautiful women by his side. Even if he loses the battle,
he can still say he wins on some levels.

Cyclops arrives at the Jean Grey Institute. She-Hulk is there waiting for
them, probably eager to get this shit over with and collect her obscene legal
fee. She starts reading the will and that’s where we finally get the first of
Xavier’s ball-busting revelations. What could it be? Did he mind-fuck Jean Grey
into wearing a G-string? Did he put a video camera in Emma Frost’s shower? Did
he secretly water down Wolverine’s whiskey? It’s actually something way more
fucked up. He married Mystique.

Let me say that again in as sober a tone as I can manage. Charles Xavier
married Mystique, as in the same shape-shifting Mystique whose idea of a fun
afternoon involves tormenting the X-men. Now this might not qualify as a completely
WTF type revelation. It was already revealed in All-New X-men that Xavier
knocked up Mystique at some point. While most people don’t bother getting married
to get knocked up these days, much to the dismay of the Rick Santorums of the
world, it’s not completely unreasonable to believe that they didn’t end up
married, if only because of a few too many tequila shooters in Las Vegas.

This revelation has everyone in the X-men putting on their best WTF face
while Emma Frost is laughing hysterically. They might not even have heard the
part where She-Hulk mentions that because she’s legally Xavier’s widow, she by
default inherits the institute. That’s right. Fucking Mystique now owns the
X-men’s main base of operations. I want to say that’s fucked up, but I can’t stop
myself from laughing and for once it isn’t because of the weed. Now this raises
a lot of fucked up questions, namely how the fuck Xavier ended up marrying
someone with a rich history of screwing over the X-men. But that’s probably a
story that would require more lawyers than the state of New York could provide.

Yet somehow, this is not conveyed as Charles Xavier’s most fucked up secret.
Maybe at the time, him being married to Mystique wasn’t as fucked up as he
thought. The way he wrote it into his will, he was almost casual about it. He’s
like, “Yeah, I married Mystique. So what?” I was expecting to have another
reason not to respect Charles Xavier, but now I can’t help but respect him
more. Anyone who can convince Mystique to marry him deserves Jay-Z style street
cred. But there was another issue he considered more serious, which he recorded
in a hologram. And it’s an issue that hints the side-plot involving Matthew
Malloy might actually mean something after all. I still can’t bring myself to
give too many shits about that guy. I’m still laughing my ass off at the idea
of Xavier marrying Mystique and I’ll probably keep laughing for the rest of the
week. Guess that means I’ll save some money on weed for once.

Well in the end, Xavier definitely kicked up a shit storm, but it wasn’t the
kind of fecal typhoon anyone was expecting. A part of me was like, "Holy
fuck, Xavier married Mystique?!" Then after a few shots of tequila, I was
like, "Holy fuck, Xavier married Mystique...nice!" Let’s face it,
Mystique is pretty fucking hot. She’s also an unstable, unrepentant sociopath.
Now I’m not going to justify some of the sick shit she’s done, but I will point
out that crazy bitches like that tend to be awesome in bed. And for a guy who
used to be paralyzed, I can’t say I blame Xavier. This strikes me as one of
those Kurt Cobain/Courtney Love type relationships, one where the circumstances
are so destructive yet they find a way to make up for it. Only this time, there
was less heroine involved. Now I know there will be a certain segment of fans
that have already punched their computer screens or strangled a puppy in their
rage, but let’s face it. This is not the most fucked up secret Xavier could
have had. Compared to mind-fucking his students and lusting after a teenage
Jean Grey, this should come as a relief. The man got to bone Mystique before he
died. Nobody can say he didn’t live a complete, fulfilling life. It might not
have been his worst secret, which STILL hasn’t been revealed, but it certainly
made everyone’s asshole within a five mile radius clench. In addition, we now
know why we should give a fuck about Matthew Malloy. There are still some
inconsistencies, many of which have to do with Wolverine and Beast’s rage boner
for Cyclops. But if nothing else, this comic provides some entertaining “Oh
fuck!” moments that can be enjoyed both drunk and sober. For that, I give
Uncanny X-men #24 an 8 out of 10. Just how bad can the secrets of a man who
married Mystique end up being at this point? Xavier could reveal that he bathed
in the blood of baby kittens on a dare. It still wouldn’t matter. He got to
marry, bone, and knock up Mystique. That’s an epic win if ever there was one.
Nuff said!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Let's face it, somebody was going to do this sooner or later. I like to think that this was a nice summary of Jean Grey and Wolverine's relationship during their time together in X-men Supreme. Sure, it sucked in the movies and constantly fucks up the comics. But let's face it, it's still pretty fucking hot.

The following is my review of Storm #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Mankind has worshipped a long list of gods, goddesses, spirits, and reality
TV stars over the centuries. It can be argued to no end whether such entities
are worthy of worship and some of those arguments have turned into all-out holy
wars. But it’s not an unreasonable notion to consider, assessing what makes a
powerful deity worthy of worship.

There are a great many characters in the Marvel universe that have all the
defining characteristics of a deity, along with all the crippling personality
flaws of former child stars. There are beings that can blow up buildings,
control thoughts, and fly wherever they want without being harassed by the TSA,
but not all are worthy of worship. Some are even worthy of the exact opposite
because they end up abusing their powers in ways rivaled only by Zeus, minus the
numerous illegitimate offspring.

Then, there is Ororo Munroe of the X-men. If ever there were a standard by
which gods and goddesses would be deemed worthy of worship, she would be the
one to set it. Storm has done a lot to endear herself to many since she was
introduced as part of the All-New All-Different X-men. She is a leader, a friend,
an ally, and a lover. She was even a queen for a time. She takes on these roles
while wielding the power of the elements, something that would warrant worship
by default in most eras of human civilization. And Storm #1 helps reveal that she deserves that worship and then some.

Storm has always had a high profile with the X-men and the Marvel Universe
as a whole, but there are times when the responsibility of this profile obscure
the personality that has become adored by so many. This story has her taking a
step back from those responsibilities so she can just be the caring,
compassionate woman she is at heart. For her, that involves more than just
hugging random strangers, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or buying carbon
credits to offset her carbon footprint.

Storm wields the power of the elements. That means she can visit some poor
village in a third world country and use her powers to prevent an incoming
tsunami that would have otherwise created a humanitarian crisis worthy of a
celebrity telethon. She doesn’t do this because it’s part of a mission or
because Hydra has somehow hijacked the weather. She does it because it’s the
compassionate, moral thing to do. It shouldn’t be such a novel concept, but it
is and that’s a big part of what endears her to others. The village cheers and
embraces her. They stand ready to worship her for saving them and she doesn’t
even demand that they sacrifice an animal in her name. It helps set her apart
from far less compassionate gods throughout history.

But it isn’t just the amazing feats that Storm accomplishes that makes her
worthy of worship. She’s also capable of far simpler acts that don’t involve
manipulating the elements of nature. In addition to saving villages, she’s a
teacher at the Jean Grey Institute and that often involves dealing with
troubled teenage mutants who are in the process of figuring out that the world
isn’t that compassionate. One of these students essentially calls Storm out,
arguing that the X-men often blur the lines between training mutants to use
their powers and just training them to be X-men. It’s not an unreasonable
criticism to make. Not every mutant wants their lives to revolve around Danger
Room training, killer robot Sentinels, and evil clones. It’s an issue that isn’t
often raised and Storm does something that most worshipped beings don’t do in
that she listens.

This helps reveal in Storm another defining quality not common among gods.
She has an uncanny sense of humility. She’s not just willing to stop a tsunami
using tornados without demanding worship or sacrifice of any kind. She’s
willing to walk alongside the very people she protects, helping them clean up
the damage done to their village and even taking time to pose for pictures.
There are B-list celebrities that aren’t that generous to their fellow man,
some of which even charge hefty fees for a photo. Storm earns every bit of
adulation she gets, carrying herself both as a goddess and just an ordinary
woman with a big heart.

However, all these demonstrations of power and compassion wouldn’t be
complete without showing she’s still as tough as the weather she controls. What
makes her feats in this village all the more remarkable is that it’s in a part
of the world that seeks to do to mutants what Uganda is doing to homosexuals. Storm
is beloved by the people, but not by the local government.

This government claims they can take care of their own people and don’t need
someone who can control the weather. For some reason, they think that means
forcing innocent villagers away from their homes to make room for an overpriced
resort for rich people. Storm, despite protests from her fellow X-men, makes it
clear that she is not the kind of goddess that takes kindly to such acts. She
doesn’t wait for a rapture or a second coming either to make them pay for their
actions, showing that even a compassionate goddess can be vengeful when
necessary.

Storm has so many qualities, both as a person and as a hero, that make her
worthy of worship. Storm #1 serves as
a simple, concise story that illuminates these qualities in all the right ways.
It provides insight into Storm perceives herself and how she is perceived by
others. It effectively conveys all the qualities that make her such a great
X-man and a great hero in general. It is a testament to a goddess that doesn’t need
temples, worship, prayers, or sacrifice. Her own actions speak to her divine
nature and this issue delivered her message loud and clear.

Friday, July 25, 2014

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is nearing its biggest milestone
to date. I know there have been many over the five-year history of
this fanfiction series, but this one is definitely special in its own
right. Since comic books began, certain issues were recognized for
being significant accomplishments and lasting 100 issues is one of the
most notable. Very few series ever make it that far and even fewer make
it without having to relaunch or reboot. When I began X-men Supreme, I
set out to develop it with a singular, focused vision so that it could
reach that milestone so long as I had the passion and support. Well
after over five years of developing this fanfiction series, I’m set to
reach this very special milestone.

I’ve already set the tone for X-men Supreme Volume 5:
Dark Truths. The X-men find themselves in a more complicated world,
having to maintain a fragile peace that had been forged from the ashes
of Magneto’s
devious plans. This peace is built on the prosperity offered by the
alien technology being exported by Genosha, which is now under the
leadership of the Scarlet Witch. But as we saw in Issue 98: Tech Spec Terror, there are those who seek to subvert that peace for their own gain. And in this case, that effort is very personal.

This is where Emma Frost’s story comes in. She revealed to Cyclops and Jean Grey
that Shanobi Shaw, son of her former mentor, Sebastian Shaw, has
imprisoned two of her cloned daughters. These girls, the Stepford
Cuckoos, were cloned from her without her knowledge and used as
leverage against her by the Inner Circle, which led to her betrayal of
the X-men during the Phoenix Saga.
Now she seeks to atone and needs help from her former teammates.
However, her desire to save her daughters is only part of a much larger
conflict that Shanobi Shaw has been hatching and should he succeed,
the fragile peace that has held the world of X-men Supreme together
will be shattered. I’ve prepared an extended preview of this looming
conflict that I hope will help celebrate this major milestone.

“As you can see, we’ve also refined how we package and ship this hardware,” Havok continued, “This stuff is pretty advanced, but it goes out in its most basic forms. The main components are Shi’ar power cells, quantum computing chips, and a few hunks of exotic metals that I couldn’t begin to describe.”

“We manufacture them at a secure location buried deep within the island. I’m sure you remember that mine where you first saw the alien ship,” said Quicksilver.

“Like I can forget being shot at by some glowing alien jerk-off,” muttered Wolverine.

“Then you’ll love what we’ve done with the place,” said Havok with a wry grin, “We’ve essentially turned that mine into an underground factory using the same Warlock program Magneto tried to control. Our people and a bunch of guys in suits from various countries work to mass produce the baseline components. It’s then carted to the port where we check it, load it, and get justly rewarded.”

“And I’m not talking just about the whole peace deal either,” said Quicksilver, “We don’t give this shit away for free. We sell it at a premium. That means Genosha gets to import all sorts of goodies from the rest of the world. Now we got TVs from Japan, computers from China, beer from Germany, fruit from South America, cars from Britain, and movies from America.”

“I’m sure you punks are thrilled,” muttered Wolverine, “Saves you the trouble of having to steal it.”

“Is there any chance you’re going to say something that’s remotely relative to this mission of yours?” said Havok with growing annoyance.

“That depends,” he said in a more serious tone, “I’m working out how much I’ll need my claws to carry out this mission.”

“We can deal with your claws. We just can’t deal with one more asshole in this very sensitive area during these very sensitive times. If you’re that eager to pick a fight, do humans and mutants a favor and choose another mission.”

Wolverine snarled in response, caring little for how much he annoyed Havok and Quicksilver. Even if they thought he was just here to push their buttons, he was still serious about this mission. Professor Xavier trusted him to be his eyes and ears for this operation. Even with all these safeguards in place, there were way too many ways this treaty could go wrong.

While Quicksilver and Havok simmered with frustration, Wolverine turned his attention towards the eastern portion of the port. In the distance he could make out the imposing military base that still dominated the south side of the island. This base was a result of one of the compromises that Wanda made with the United Nations. After the Cambrian affair, a large body of international troops occupied the island. This was a major source of tension and even with the treaty, a military presence had to remain. So instead of a full on occupation, the military presence on Genosha was concentrated onto a single base and near the chief port no less. Something about that did not sit well with Wolverine.

“That cozy little base part of the tour?” said Wolverine, pointing out towards the base.

“That tiny hunk of human filth has been a major source of migraines for Wanda and everyone else on this island,” said Quicksilver, “The humans insist on keeping a military base on the mainland just in case. They say it’s a security measure, but it feels like an invasion force in the waiting.”

“Right, because every human in the whole damn world just loves conspiring against you,” scoffed Wolverine, “That all there is to it?”

“Conspiracy or not, it’s a big part of this operation,” sighed Havok, “The humans process the same data we do. They don’t trust us any more than we trust them so they monitor every piece of tech that gets shipped out. They’re also wired into the mines where we have Warlock so they can make sure we don’t use it to make anything fishy like an H-bomb or something.”

“Wait…so that base you don’t control over is linked right into that alien gizmo that’s the key to the whole damn treaty? And you’re assuming it ain’t a gonna be a problem?”

“We have to. The humans demanded transparency,” muttered Havok, “One wrong move and that base will pick a fight we can’t win. Wanda knows this and promised to hex any Genosha citizen who so much as flips the place off.”

“Heh…lucky for me I ain’t Genosha,” retorted Wolverine, “I’m guessin’ if there’s any funny business goin’ down on this rock, it’s gonna come from that dump.”

With his usual impulsive nature, Wolverine barged past Havok and Quicksilver. He couldn’t conduct a full investigation for Professor Xavier without checking every possible source of trouble. He was risking the wrath of the Scarlet Witch and several major military powers, but it was his job to find every weakness in this operation and his instincts told him that trouble would most likely come from this base.

Quicksilver and Havok were once again annoyed by Wolverine’s brazen attitude. Of all the X-men they could have dealt with, he was by far the most frustrating. However, they did not go after him or even try to dissuade him. Since they were in no position to find out what was going on behind those walls, they might as well leave it to a guy best known for taking foolish risks.

“We’re not going to try and stop him, are we?” said Quicksilver.

“Quick rule of thumb, Speedy. Sometimes the best way to win a fight is to have someone else do the fighting for you,” said Havok wryly.

“If he causes a scene Wanda’s still going to be pissed.”

“If she asks, he overpowered you while I was off taking a piss.”

“Hey! Why am I the one who gets overpowered?” Pietro complained.

“She’s your sister. She’ll believe it,” said the younger mutant as he started walking towards the opposite end of the dock, “So rather than risk any more of your go, what do you say we raid the latest shipment of vodka from Russia? As far as I’m concerned, Wolverine’s tour ended five minutes ago and we lost track of him.”

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been working on the X-men
Supreme fanfiction series for this long and come this far. Reaching
100 issues in this fanfiction series is truly astounding and I couldn’t
have done so without the support and inspiration I’ve had from my
readers. I hope this can continue for another 100 issues. But as I’ve
stated previously, I am not yet decided on whether I will continue
X-men Supreme after X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths. That’s why I
urge everyone who follows X-men Supreme to submit your reviews and
feedback to me. Either contact me
directly or post your comments directly in each issue. Every bit of
feedback helps make this fanfiction series more awesome. Until next
time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

It’s an exciting time to be a minority in America and a shitty time to be a
Fox News pundit. Against the wishes of uptight religious zealots and
incontinent old white people, minorities are making progress. Some of it has
shown in comics recently. Marvel celebrated its first gay wedding a few years
ago. It has a black/hispanic Spider-Man and soon, there will be a black Captain
America to go along with a female Muslim Ms. Marvel. I can already hear Glenn
Beck bitching and moaning about it and it’s a beautiful thing. But with all
these new developments, it’s easy to miss that Storm has been pissing off these
uptight, racist, misogynistic assholes for decades. She is one of the most
prominent characters in all of X-men. She’s a leader, a lover, a friend, and a
badass weather goddess that nobody dares piss off. Yet she has rarely had her
own solo series to call her own. Meanwhile, Wolverine has had a fuckton of
solos where his biggest contributions to minority relations is boning foreign
women. Now as Marvel finding out that there is a market for badass women, it
has decided to give Storm another shot at a solo series. I want to applaud this
move, but then I realize it’s fucking 2014 and this is one of those things that
should’ve happened a couple decades ago. But since I was high as fuck for most
of the 90s, I’ll look past it and embrace Storm #1 as yet another sign that the
Fox News crowd are losing.

It seems everything Storm does is an affront to everything Rush Limbaugh
stands for. She casually flies into a poor foreign country wearing clothes that
show off her beauty. She does so with a grace and power that would make every
man’s balls shrink in shame. And she arrives with the intent to stop a natural
disaster that would irreparably harm dozens of innocent people utilizing a
special power that only she wields. She couldn’t possibly be more opposed to
right-wing assholes without including free birth control. What makes it all the
more awesome is that there’s a nice string of inner monologue offering insight
into how she wields this power over the elements and how she perceives herself.
She acknowledges that she has been a goddess in the eyes of many, but that
doesn’t stop her from maintaining her humility. I think that’s her subtle way
of saying, “Kiss my ass, Zeus!”

She then proves that she’s capable of utilizing her god-like powers to do more
than just seduce mortals and churn out illegitimate demigods. In a display that
would probably make Greenpeace cry tears of joy, she single-handedly diverts an
incoming tsunami. She doesn’t do it with creative engineering or rapid
evacuations either. She does it with fucking tornados. It’s exactly as awesome
as it sounds. And the villagers share my sentiment. As they watch her save their
village and their lives, one of them even smiles and greets her.

It makes for a beautiful moment with the girl. After the tsunami is diverted
and the village is saved, the little girl runs up to Storm and hugs her. But
unlike every other god or goddess in the history of the world, she actually
responds. She doesn’t even demand that she sacrifice a chicken. She just does
this because she has the power and it’s the right thing to do. What a fucking
concept, right? The whole village cheers her. I doubt any of the other gods they
had ever worshipped ever did something like this and took the time to pose for
pictures as well. It shows just how inadequate our gods truly are, but I don’t
mind in the slightest because Storm makes it look so damn awesome.

This could have been the most awesome religious moment that Mel Gibson didn’t
profit from, but like the Richard Dawkins of the world, a cold dose of reality
ruins the moment. This time it comes in the form of some asshole in a uniform
with a big gun claiming this place, which is apparently called Santo Marco, has
a strict no-mutant policy in the same way that Uganda has a strict no-gays policy.
It’s a real dick move to someone who just saved hundreds of lives. It would be
like telling a doctor who just performed life-saving surgery on a thousand
orphans to piss off, but that’s exactly what he does. Storm could have easily
gotten Old Testament on his ass, but she chose not to because she’s not that
kind of goddess. For her, fire and brimstone is so 18th century.

Storm returns to the Jean Grey Institute with her head held high and why
not? She saved so many innocent lives and did a great thing for the world. It
would take a monumental douche to not let her take the time to appreciate that.
Unfortunately, the Jean Grey Institute still employs Hank McCoy. He just has to
prematurely end her good mood, but not because she was rude to the asshole with
the big fucking guns. One of their students is acting up. Considering how many
teenagers attend the Jean Grey Institute, that’s like telling her that a skunk’s
rotting corpse smells terrible. However, one student in particular is causing
trouble and for once it isn’t Kid Omega. And since Wolverine isn’t around to
solve the problems with his claws, he needs Storm’s help. I guess if anyone is
going to deal with the shit storm of a teenager, it might as well be a goddess
like Storm.

The teenager in question is a girl named Creep and she’s as much of a bitch
as her name implies. Her powers involve turning everywhere she goes into a
swamp, which sounds about as useful as body odor on date. And for some reason,
she’s not fitting in at the Jean Grey Institute. I guess making everyone feel
like they’re in a fucking swamp isn’t a good way to make friends. Storm tries
to go from goddess to counselor, as she often has to do, but this is where it
gets a little more personal and not in the ways that would make a good article
in Hustler.

Creep goes off on this rant that puts into question the entire premise of
the Jean Grey Institute. She claims they just take in mutants and indoctrinate
them into this whole X-men ideology the way Rick Santorum wishes schools would
do for his fucked up ideology. She calls out Storm for basically just being
part of the X-men’s mission and not practicing what Xavier preached with
respect to using their powers. She’s not entirely wrong either, although she
does sound like she’s just bitching and pissed off. Normally, having a heated
argument with Storm is a good way to get a few dozen lightning bolts up the
ass, but when that argument has some merit, she will listen. It’s yet another
quality that makes her better than any other god or goddess ever worshipped.

She actually takes Creep’s criticisms seriously and in an act that no god or
politician ever dreams of doing, she actually decides to change it. So despite
running the risk of pissing off some warlord who uses captured prisoners for
target practice, Storm returns to Santo Marco and helps them clean up the
damage done by the tsunami. Naturally, they’re all overjoyed to see her. And
this time, she doesn’t just rely on her powers to make people want to worship
her. She actually gets her hands dirty, picking up garbage and helping to
rebuild homes. The idea of any god or goddess getting their hands dirty when
they can be off starting wars or inspiring suicide bombers sounds so
outrageous, but it shouldn’t be. And that’s the biggest impact of this story.

At times, Storm has been a stern leader who will inspire anyone to spit in
the devil’s face and oppose any asshole who gets in her way. At times, she has
been a loving caretaker that everyone turns to when they need a good hug and a
pep talk, assuming Wolverine’s method of applying whisky and profanity to every
problem doesn’t work for everyone. For a time, she was even a queen, even
though it required a bullshit marriage that couldn’t end fast enough. But this
story shows that at her heart, Storm is a just an overall loving, caring person
that seeks to do the right thing for the right reasons. Again, that shouldn’t
sound so outrageous, but in this age of fallen heroes and pissed off
anti-heroes, it might as well be as revolutionary as it is awesome.

As expected, someone eventually comes along to put a stop to all this
compassion and charity. For once, it isn’t Hank McCoy. The same asshole from
earlier who kicked Storm out of the country because she happened to be a mutant
wants her to leave again. And just because he has a death wish, he demands that
everyone in the village leave to in order to make room for some fancy resort
for rich people. For some reason, Storm has a big problem with that. And
instead of respecting shady business deals and bullshit politics, she decides
to kick their asses. An army of thugs versus a fucking weather goddess? That
sounds about as fair as it needs to be. She already stopped a natural disaster
and saved hundreds of lives. She might as well save more lives by beating the
shit out of armed thugs in the process, as if she hasn’t proven herself to be awesome
enough.

Her deeds should be celebrated. Of course, Beast finds a way to be annoyed
by it because he has to deal with the authority figures bitching and moaning
about how anyone could have the audacity to protect innocent people. He’s got
his work cut out for him, but the rest of the X-men approve of her badass
approach to helping the poor and needy. Even Creep, the girl who whined at her
earlier is impressed. It’s probably not going to go over well with the Ugandas
of the world. They’ll probably use this as an excuse to make even harsher
anti-mutant laws and they’ll probably have the full support of the Pat
Robertsons of the world, but that won’t stop Storm from being badass on a
divine level. And if Beast doesn’t like it, he can kiss her ass.

And she’s still not done being awesome. After returning to the Jean Grey
Institute again, she confronts Creep and admits something no god or goddess has
ever admitted before: she has a valid point. Creep clearly isn’t fitting in.
She doesn’t belong at the Jean Grey Institute. She wants to go back home to her
family and Storm gladly escorts her. If at this point the gods anyone else
worship don’t seem like assholes by comparison, I don’t know what more Storm
can do without ending world hunger or erasing every season of the Jersey Shore
from public memory. She’s not just a goddess. She’s a compassionate, badass
X-man capable of being awesome on a truly divine level.

There aren’t a lot of people or things in this world I think are worthy of
worship that don’t involve efficient means of delivering alcohol and weed into
my blood stream, but I would put Storm right up there with Jack Daniels in
terms of figures worthy of worship. This whole issue is a testament to why she’s
not just one of the greatest X-men of all time, she’s a damn fine human being
capable of the kind of compassion that would make Ayan Rand shit herself. She
has the power and grace of a goddess, but wields the humility and heart of a
thousand Mother Theresas. What other god, fictional or otherwise, warrants that
kind of worship? And like some gods that demand a goat sacrifice just to stave
off plagues, Storm doesn’t demand worship. She just sees suffering in the world
and uses her powers to heal it. On top of it all, she has a great ass. That
makes her a true goddess in every sense of the word. Storm #1 gets a divine 10
out of 10. Now I know I’m going to offend a lot of religious people by saying
this, but it needs to be said. Compared to Storm, the gods of every other major
religion suck. Not because of their power or how many adherents they have, but
because Storm actually earns the right to be called a goddess and she does it
while looking sexy as hell. Nuff said!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Anyone who has ever been in a bar fight knows that at some point, everybody
forgets what they’re fighting about and who deserves to have their ass kicked
the most. This usually happens after the first three punches or after someone
runs out of blow, whichever comes first. That doesn’t keep the bar fight from
being epic. It just makes it more chaotic. In Wolverine and the X-men, it’s not
quite as chaotic, but it is somewhat unclear on who we should be rooting for.
Wolverine and Storm are trying to protect Genesis, who may or may not be
destined to become Apocalypse, and the Phoenix Corporation is trying to prepare
Kid Omega to take him down, which may or may not be a bad thing because death
by Phoenix Force is just as shitty as death by Apocalypse. Some of this
uncertainty stems from throwing yet more time travel into the story, which at
this point is like asking for more explosions in a Michael Bay movie. It has
long passed the point of absurdity, but that hasn’t kept the story from being
engaging and compelling. There promises to be more time travel to help clear up
who we should be rooting for. Even though I feel like punching Marty McFly in
the balls, I’ll suck it up and try to enjoy the prospect of an
Apocalypse/Phoenix battle in Wolverine and the X-men #6. In the same way some
drinks are worth the hangover, some stories are worth the frustration.

I take some comfort in the knowledge that Idie probably shares my
frustration. She boldly followed Kid Omega into the future only to find out
that his adult self is just as much an asshole as his teenage self. There are
reasons most people find it frustrating to deal with teenagers, which gives
them plenty of incentive to grow out of it. That didn’t happen with Kid Omega.
And the reason it didn’t happen had nothing to do with him being an inherent
douche-bag. It was because of fucking time travel. Doc Brown and Doctor Who are
probably banging their heads against the wall now because when Kid Omega saw
his future self in X-men: Battle of the Atom, he decided he wanted to change
himself because wielding the power of the Phoenix Force just wasn’t enough for
him. Sadly, he succeeded and in this case, success means he loses his shit and
decides to go Dark Phoenix. If it makes no sense, even after a few bong hits,
then don’t freak out and go running to the DEA. This is a teenage douche-bag trying
to tweak with things he doesn’t understand. He might as well be an Amish
toddler trying to wire a supercomputer. It’s bound to get fucked up, albeit in
a confusing way.

Not surprisingly, things are much less confusing back in the present.
Faithful John, who became the most likable guy to attack the Jean Grey
Institute in years, was finally subdued in the previous issue when he made the
stupid mistake of pissing off Storm too much. He managed to get his ass shocked
by enough lightning to give Larry King an erection, leaving him more burned out
than Lindsey Lohan after a weekend in Las Vegas. But he’s not dead and his mind
is still going strong.

So he figures if he can’t snap Genesis’ neck, he might as well make him want
to snap his own neck. That’s the power of telepathy. And since Genesis is now
hiding in Fantomex’s miniature version of Abu Grab, he’s got plenty to work
with. It promises to be a pretty epic battle and Genesis stands ready to fight,
even throwing in some Richard Sherman style trash talk. Faithful John has gone
to all this trouble to kill him. It would be a shame if he didn’t make an epic
effort to get the job done. He’s like the antithesis of Congress.

Sadly, we don’t get to see that struggle. Instead, the story goes back to
the future to give me even more reasons to punch Marty McFly in the balls. That
story just involves Idie and Kid Omega confronting Kid Omega Phoenix, who has
decided to finally take a cosmic shit on the Jean Grey Institute and even rough
up a horribly aged Wolverine. Hell, this sounds like the kind of shit he would
do without the aid of time travel, but he has to make it more inane by trying
to justify why he’s being such a dick.

This involves a horribly underdeveloped explanation as to how Genesis
eventually became Apocalypse. Apparently, treating him like shit when he’s a
teenager gives him plenty of incentive to become apocalyptic. He became
powerful, only Kid Omega could stop him, and he managed to contain him, but not
before he turned Idie into a horsemen. It should have been a heroic triumph
that turned Kid Omega from a typical teenage douche-bag with a shitty haircut
into a hero. But that just wasn’t enough for him. Even as an adult and armed
with the power of the Phoenix Force, he still finds a way to fuck it up.

This is where my frustration with time travel stories turns into a
full-blown migraine. Apparently, what fucked up Kid Omega and his future was
going back in the past and seeing his past self in X-men: Battle of the Atom.
Now I admit I would be pretty disappointed in seeing my teenage self again, but
Kid Omega takes it a step further and does it in a way that makes about as much
sense as the first half-hour of Inception. His past self was pissed off by his
future self and his future self was pissed off by his past self, which meant
his future self had to fuck with the past and manipulate the Phoenix
Corporation into revealing more about the future. And at this point, I just
grab an empty bottle of whiskey and throw it across the room.

I get that Kid Omega is a dick who isn’t known for doing shit that makes
sense, but it doesn’t help when the extent of his dick moves are unrefined.
This might just be a product of being way too burned out on time travel
stories, but I couldn’t make sense of where the dick moves of the past and
future began or how they related to one another. I get the sense the whole
point of this inane conversation was to just piss off the Phoenix Force so that
we could get another Phoenix battle because apparently, the shitty outcome of
Avengers vs. X-men wasn’t enough for some people.

So instead of Genesis battling Faithful John in the World, we get a lot of
bitching and moaning between the past and future versions of Kid Omega. That’s
like getting a light beer instead of Jack Daniels. That battle, as epic as it
might have been, ends before it can even be shown in all its glory. Faithful
John ends up being manipulated by Fantomex’s deception powers, leading him to
wear himself out while Fantomex and Genesis watch on, trying not to laugh their
asses off at him. It’s not a very satisfying battle, but it does make for a
nice moment between Fantomex and Genesis about not becoming the monsters they’re
destined to be. That’s easy to say when they’re not the ones jumping into the
future to see the assholes they become, but I find it hard to hold that against
them at this point.

I can’t really say the same for the big battle against Kid Omega Phoenix.
Given how poorly the battle against the Phoenix turned out in Avengers vs.
X-men, I had a hard time getting too excited about this. It’s the same bullshit
as before. Everyone struggles to attack whoever is tripping balls on cosmic
power. There are a few emotional moments in between, mostly with Idie and Kid
Omega. And someone has to end up making a sacrifice to stop the Phoenix Force.
Since Kid Omega is such a dick and does little to make anyone give a shit about
him, seeing him prepare to sacrifice himself has no impact. Thankfully, the
future avoids getting fucked up even more because adult Kid Omega stops him.
But still, at this point it really is hard to give too many fucks.

Eventually, the Phoenix is defeated to the surprise of absolutely no one.
And unlike Avengers vs. X-men, there’s no emotional weight to it. Idie just
stabs future Kid Omega and that’s pretty much the end of it. Future Wolverine
manages to get in a few stabs, but he might as well be an extra on an episode
of Star Trek because he really doesn’t do jack shit. I guess when the Phoenix
isn’t a pretty redhead, he just can’t get that involved. I want to say that
seeing Kid Omega’s future self get his ass kicked is satisfying, but I’m still
too damn confused to enjoy it. He had to have known on some levels that he was
only going to fuck himself up even more by messing with the past. Surely, as an
X-man, he has experienced enough time travel to understand that. But no, he
just has to go about it in a way that’s so devoid of depth that the only thing
worth focusing on is how shitty his hair looks in the future.

As a result of this vapid plot, the battle against Faithful John ends without
much refinement. Thankfully, this breakout character who did so much to endear
himself in a way few villains not played by Tom Hiddleston can survives the
final battle. He is now a prisoner in The World, which means it’s only a matter
of time before he busts out and kicks Fantomex’s ass. That time can’t come soon
enough, but for now he’s in the capable hands of Doop. So in that sense, this
struggle isn’t a total loss because it isn’t definitively over. Faithful John
is still alive and he’s still got a hard-on for killing Genesis. That gives me
hope that we’ll see him again and he’ll find new ways to be awesome.

Things finally get back on track in terms of the timeline. Everyone is back
where they should be in the space-time continuum. Faithful John may have upset
plenty of students, but they seem pretty eager to shrug it off and get back to
fooling around in the Danger Room. It’s another case of lacking details, but
that’s not to say the events of the story don’t have a major impact. As the
Jean Grey Institute staff tries to make sense of this shit, failing miserably
in the process, they find out that the Phoenix Corporation had a bit of a power
shift. Eden Younge just wasn’t working out and was more forgettable than Ryan
Leaf’s football career. So they end up hiring Kid Omega as their new CEO. That’s
right. They put Kid Omega in charge of a billion-dollar company. What could
possibly go wrong there? Fuck, now I’ve got another migraine, but at least this
one doesn’t involve time travel.

Reading the end of this story acted as a reminder/kick in the balls as to
why I’m so sick of time travel stories. As if the increasingly convoluted and
plotholed Terminator movies hadn’t proved it enough, this story showed just how
fucked up time travel stories can become. At the very least, this story helped
expand on the future that was first revealed in X-men: Battle of the Atom. The
question for me is, did it really need to? Sure, it helped provide insight into
why Kid Omega became the Phoenix and how it fucked him up, but we already know
from Avengers vs. X-men how the Phoenix Force fucks people up. The story
surrounding Genesis, Fantomex, and Faithful John was much more relevant, but
took a back seat for most of the story and that felt like a mistake. In the
end, this was a time travel story that showed just how fucked up a time travel
story can be in wake of events of a previous time travel story. At least Back
to the Future had the good sense to include an awesome soundtrack. This issue
did a good job of creating new characters and expanding on previous stories,
but in the end it felt too damn confusing and incomplete. And for those who don’t
read comics sober, that really takes away from the enjoyment. I give Wolverine
and the X-men #6 a 6 out of 10. This isn’t a bad story with a bad premise. It
just tries to do too damn much and doesn’t do so in a coherent way. It’s like a
teenage boy trying to fuck like a porn star on his prom night. He’s only going
to make a mess and feel mortified in the end. Nuff said!

Monday, July 21, 2014

The following is my review of X-men #16, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Even in the era of GPS and Google Maps, it’s easy to get lost. Even if the
destination is clear and there have been successful trips before, there’s
always a chance of getting off-track and those chances are worse than anyone cares
to admit. It usually isn’t the first wrong turn that gets things going in the
wrong direction. It’s the fifth, sixth, and tenth turns that changes the situation
from merely being off-course to being in another time zone. For the situation
surrounding the all-female X-men, it’s hard to know what time zone they’re in,
but their watches are clearly not synchronized.

When this new, female-centric X-men series began, the destination for the
story was fairly clear. And for the most part, it reached that destination
safely on numerous occasions. This series wasn’t just about an all-female team
of X-men. It created a unique team dynamic that gave the story a unique
context. However, that dynamic has faltered in recent issues and X-men #16 is a culmination of one too
many wrong turns and a few too many missed turns. If this story were on a road trip,
it would be in the wrong state by now.

Initially, this story was built around one fairly simple conflict. The
biological father of Shogo, Jubilee’s adopted son, has returned to claim him.
It was a conflict that fit nicely into the overall narrative of the series
because it began with Jubilee rescuing Shogo. That conflict might provide a
simple foundation, but everything built on top of it lacks structure and
refinement, like a gingerbread house that doesn’t have enough frosting. There’s
a clear attempt to turn this conflict into something that explores other
side-plots going on throughout the all-female team, such as the presence of
Storm’s future daughter, Kymera, and the training of younger mutants like
Hellion into a more capable team of X-men. While these are plots worth
exploring, they end up detracting from the main conflict. At times, it feels
like they’re in the wrong X-men comics.

Some of these plots, like Kymera, are appropriate to explore in some
respect. There’s just only so much that can be explored while the main focus is
supposed to be on rescuing Jubilee and protecting Shogo. Kymera’s foresight
into the future should give her and Storm so many things to discuss. Who is her
father? Who lives and who dies? Do Cyclops and Wolverine ever mend the Schism?
Will Deadpool ever shut up? None of this comes up. Everything is centered
around the conflict with Shogo and Jubilee. While this keeps the story focused,
it essentially hijacks this unresolved story. It would be like someone having
the power to see into the future, but the only thing they use it for is to
check the weather for the next football game.

It also doesn’t help that Shogo’s father, who calls himself The Future,
doesn’t come off as a character worth hijacking these other plots. He operates
under the principle of shoot-random-people-and-wing-it-from-there. He’s
supposed to be this extremely dangerous crime lord with access to weapons and
personnel that would impress even the Kingpin, but he decides to go about retrieving
his son in the most inefficient and messy way possible. There doesn’t appear to
be any underlying motivation to his actions or his desire to get Shogo. He
gives the impression that he just doesn’t like anyone taking things that belong
to him, be it his Sunday newspaper or infant son that he did nothing to
protect. He doesn’t even show the slightest affection for his son. He just
wants him back because Shogo is his, not because he wants to know the joys of
fatherhood.

This further limits the emotional impact of the conflict. The Future is
painfully generic as a character and a threat. In addition, the all-female
X-men don’t even go about attacking him in a very efficient way. They think
they’ve done enough preparation, but when they encounter an exotic defense
system that involves turning the vegetation against them. It’s nowhere near as
epic as the walking trees in Lord of the Rings and only serves to slow the
narrative down even further.

But it isn’t just the slow pace of the story that makes it feel lost and disorganized.
Many conversations and actions are just too predictable. Jubilee’s argument
with The Future could have been cut and pasted from an old Superfriends
cartoon. The Future plays into every villainous stereotype, making no effort
whatsoever to create any sense of depth. All Jubilee can do is give a typical
Braveheart style speech, minus the painted face and mooning. It doesn’t create
any strong emotions. It doesn’t create any tension either. It’s might as well
be an excuse to get the X-men out of the Jean Grey Institute and fight
something besides killer robots and resurrected enemies.

That’s not to say the conflict is without merit. While the plot might be
slow and the dialog might be forgettable, the story never loses sight of the
main theme of the story. The focus is still on the X-men fighting to retain custody
of Shogo. It’s a conflict that offered plenty of reasons for excitement in the
beginning. But as this story drags, the excitement wanes. That doesn’t make the
conflict any less meaningful. Jubilee has undergone numerous conflicts in
adopting Shogo as her son. Many of those conflicts have made for some of the
most compelling stories in this series, but this one is just poorly developed
and poorly organized.

The details might be lacking, but nobody gets mischaracterized and nobody
does anything that completely undermines their established personality. X-men #16 certainly feels like an X-men
comic, albeit a very disorganized and underwhelming X-men comics, but it doesn’t
feel like the same X-men comic that had been built around this powerful,
all-female cast. Like hippie protesters, it tries to do too much and only ends
up next to nothing.

Friday, July 18, 2014

I know I don’t come off as much of a romantic. My ex-girlfriends, my
therapists, and most of my former pets will say that the most romantic I’ll
ever get occurs around a bottle of Jack Daniels and a plate of bacon. But I do
consider myself a romantic at heart. I enjoy that warm and fuzzy feeling I get
when I see a good love story develop, be it in comics, real life, or a porno.
It’s true, porn can be romantic if done correctly (and with the proper application
of lube). But a good, well-developed love story is like a perfectly tender
steak. It’s delicious as hell, but difficult to cook.

There have been many relationships developed in comics that have been epic
love stories, but there have been many more that are built solely on the shaky
foundation of WTF. I’ve gone on many drunken rants on numerous relationships on
this blog from Cyclops/Emma and Jean/Wolverine to Superman/Wonder Woman and Wolverine/Storm.
I don’t doubt that my rants are about as romantic as a prostate exam at times,
but I feel there is merit when I say that most comic book relationships are
hit-or-miss with far more misses. If it were a baseball player, they would be
selling insurance in Alaska by now.

That said, Brian Michael Bendis has a solid track record when it comes to
developing relationships. He has shown a rare talent to take established
relationships like Peter/Mary Jane and novel relationships like Peter/Kitty
Pryde and make them feel epic. This skill has translated nicely into All-New
X-men with the way he has handled relationships like O5 Cyclops/O5 Jean Grey.
However, he has had his share of misses, as
anyone who read All-New X-men #15 can attest. And for a time, it looked
like he was going to take another shot with
O5 Cyclops and X-23 in All-New X-men #20. That didn’t pan out because O5
Cyclops felt that spending more time with his badass space pirate father was
more important than hooking up with some hot teenage girl. I’m not sure which
should take priority so I’m going to call that a push. But now Bendis is
looking to try again, this time with O5 Angel and X-23.

Now when it comes to comic book romances, I’m of the opinion that they can
all be made to work if done right. Some are just way harder than others. There
really aren’t many universes where a relationship between Wolverine and Lady
Deathstrike doesn’t end in a blood-soaked disaster. But O5 Angel and X-23 is
one of those ideas that can either overdose on WTF or trigger a massive
onslaught of boners. On the surface, it’s not that outrageous. It’s the circumstances
that have the WTF. And in an unlettered preview released by CBR, we get our
first glimpse of just how far Bendis plans to take this. From the looks of it,
he’s going to piss off every abstinence advocate in the state of Texas.

• Past, present and future collide as
the Future Brotherhood exacts their final judgment on the All-New X-Men.• Plus, Angel takes control!

So in the span of 10 issues, X-23 goes from swapping spit with O5 Cyclops on
the cover to swapping spit with O5 Angel. Granted, she never actually kissed O5
Cyclops. All they really did was hug. They never hit up a club, went on a date,
or tried to cop a feel. They really didn’t get a chance because O5 Cyclops left
before that could happen. But with O5 Angel, X-23 is jumping at the chance.
They’re actually going out and doing the kinds of things that make televangelists
cry. On the surface, this isn’t all that fucked up. They’re teenagers for
crying out loud. It’s the characterization that will probably piss a lot of
fans off.

Not long ago, X-23 was pretty fucked up and pretty traumatized. Now, after
she recently got finished stabbing Xavier Jr. in the back, she’s hooking up
with some guy she barely knows. For most teenage girls, that’s not too crazy.
Hell, that’s the opposite of crazy. But X-23 isn’t normal. She does not have
Taylor Swift’s history of going from guy to guy. Now she’s not just clubbing
with a guy, acting way more normal than she really is. She’s getting cozy with
someone who really has no fucking clue how to relate to her.

This is my main issue. Unlike O5 Cyclops, O5 Angel really doesn’t have much
in common with X-23. He’s rich as fuck, never lost anyone, and doesn’t know
much about hardship. Not only that, he’s been a total fucking pussy at times in
this series. He’s the one that tried to go back to the past when he was
outvoted. X-23 is one of the most badass characters in Marvel who doesn’t pack
a big ass gun. Now she’s hooking up with this guy? It would be like Axel Rose
hooking up with Carrie Underwood.

That’s not to say it can’t work. I think it’s kind of cute how things pan
out. X-23 isn’t completely OOC. She gets into a fight at a club and rips a guy’s
nipple ring off. That sounds like the kind of shit she does every Thursday
night. But how romantic does it really get here? This is one of those
developments that could either become what Peter/Kitty Pryde was in Ultimate or
it could just be a brief fling like Wolverine seems to have with Domino every once
in a while. It could go any number of ways and I’m sure X-23 fans will find
some reason to be really pissed about it, not that I blame them either. But I’m
willing to just grab a joint and a bottle of whiskey, kick back, and take a
wait-and-see approach before I deem this new romance worthy of jerking off to.
Nuff said!

About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.