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Feeling hot and cold...is this normal?

7 months out from DD. In the aftermath of all of that, I felt like HB with SAWH (this was pre-dx of SA). We had not had sex in a long time...and he was still not interested. Told me it was a turnoff for me to be throwing myself at him. So I backed off but made it known that I kept the door open. A couple more months passed. SAWH still not interested, seemed to be stressed out every time there is an opportunity for us to be alone. Our MC hints to me at a one on one session that there is an addiction issue gong on. So on the way home from a trip where we dropped off one of our kids, I got mad and said, "You know at some point you are going to have to shit or get off the pot because I am not going to stay in this marriage if this is how it is going to be." And then a few minutes later I told him I think he is a SA and is it possible is was SA? I had asked him this a couple of months earlier when he started to see a shrink and he said his shrink did not think there was anything wrong with him. This time when I asked, my H said, "Yes, I think there is something wrong with me, and SA is a possibility." So the next day in the MC office we talk about this and how brave he is for being willing to explore this and MC referred him to a CSAT. He's been going since, I've seen some changes in a positive direction, he's also going to some SA meetings.

So through all of this, I have been wanting to reconnect sexually. Obviously this is difficult given the betrayal and the emotional abuse I've suffered, not to mention his SA issues and intimacy disorder. Recently, MC asked if we were considering having H return to the bedroom (we're doing in house separation right now) and this is something I thought I wanted but my reaction to this was very strong in anxiety. We talked about it after MC and H suggested we schedule it (sex). So Saturday night we put kids to bed and H gets into bed with me and we were reading for awhile and then I put my book down and I fell asleep. He read for awhile longer and then returned to the guest room - did not even spend the night. 6 months ago I would have jumped at the chance to rip off the bandaid on this sex stuff...now it is a source of anxiety and making me feel avoidant. What is up with this? Is it normal to feel so extreme? I'm wondering if this is just a bump in the road to R or if this is something I should be cluing into.

blakesteele posted 10/7/2013 22:12 PM

Intimacy issues here too. I was a regular user of pornography pre-A...my wife knew about it, watched some with me, but it was mostly a solo venture. I had no idea how damaging this is to a person, let alone a marriage. I thought since my wife and I had regular sex it was not affecting our marriage. I am sorry for my actions of the past and now see them in the damaging light they were in all along. Society has too light of view of this action by men...but that is someone elses battle to fight. I have my own to tend to.

I no longer view potnography....haven't in months. I feel very different inside, and it shows on the outside.

But getting back to your post....I don't know what the solution here is. Wife and I never experienced HB. We are intimate now...but far less regular then we were pre-A.

True intimacy.....we have quite possibly never experienced this....and that is not just a factor of pornography. Both of our FOO issues have prevented either one of us from exposing ourselves to each other honestly....and that is a critical step for a deep connection and true intimacy.

This is what I have come up with after 1 year of almost weekly counseling sessions.

The A is a factor, FOO issues are a factor, pornography is a factor....and several other lesser issues (scheduling time for us, kids, job pressures, etc.) all provide hurdles for us to overcome to get to the spot I sense you want to.....where we both desire each other, trust and feel safe with each other, and allow the physical actions of sex to be an extension of our love for each other.

Not sure of your background...but neither of our families ever attained this level of intimacy. As we look at the couples we know...we think that not many of them have gotten to this level.....lots of intimacy issues.

Doesn't really help....sorry I just seem to have sympathy for where you are at, but no wisdom to offer you.

Thanks for your response Blake. You always have such an honest take on things.

Definitely FOO issues from both of us, but much more so on his side. Attachment issues, poor parental role models for marriage and as parents. We're working on this and I think we've gotten to the point where we will be amicable if we split up. He says he wants to work this out...now I am not so sure it's the best thing. Our kids are still young and I know that it would be "best" for them but - not to sound entirely selfish - kids grow up and leave the house...and I don't want to get divorced in a decade. If I am going to get divorced I want to do it NOW. Not so much so I can date but just so I don't have this cloud of uncertainty hanging over me. This whole thing sucks. I married a 13 yo boy. He's in his early 40s and says he relates better to this guy he knows who is 20 years younger than to any of his contemporaries. I think it's a resistance to maturity and seeing himself get older. I don't like getting older either but it's unavoidable. And at some point, you are going to be that 50 yo "weird guy" hanging out with the 20 year olds. KWIM? The whole situation sucks and I hate being the grown up/the one that does the right thing. I don't want to do anything rash but I don't want to keep living like this.

blakesteele posted 10/8/2013 06:20 AM

Our kids are still young and I know that it would be "best" for them

I have thought long and hard on this one because we have two young daughters. While there is some merit to staying together for the kids I think of it this way. Wouldn't it be nice if both of us were able to overcome all of this and grow a true intimacy, a healthy marriage? Wouldn't THAT be best for our kids...to model that behavior? This could change our family tree.

I married a 13 yo boy.

I suspect our FOO coping mechanisms effectively kill our emotional growth at what ever age we develop them. What 12 year old can emotionally process the fact that his Dad disappeared from his life upon his parents divorcing? On their own they cant, the don't, that is where they cope with it but don't deal with it. Coping are masking skills, not growing skills. In my case my Moms only conversation with us boys was the....Mom and Dad simply cant get along....talk. Why he disappeared so completely from our lives was never addressed then. My wife witnessed an alcoholic Dad belittle and demean her Mom....they divorced but did not have the emotional maturity to process and grow through that either. She developed coping skills then too...stopping growing at that age level too with regards to how she interacts, or refrains from interacting, with other people. That 10 year old girl still exists in her...telling her to...WATCH out, if you try and connect you will get hurt. My 12 year old boy tells me.....WATCH out, people will abandon you, you better do do do to keep them valuing you.

As I see both my wife and I growing over this past year we had to start with seeing where we were really at from the beginning. Both her and I acted, in some ways, like that 13 year old person.

My best friend whom I have confided in regularly this year has shared with me how he acts within his marriage...and he, too, is a 13 year old in some ways.

NOT ALL WAYS....not saying any of us are childish. I am just thinking that in a few key ways we never matured past that 13 year old kid. KWIM?

Its just a theory. Regardless if that theory holds water....I have definitely matured this past year, as has my wife.

Not so much so I can date but just so I don't have this cloud of uncertainty hanging over me.

I, too, wonder about this....if my wife can change what she is working on, if when we both change can we make our marriage work, what if we change at different paces....all speak to uncertainty. How I reason staying now is;

I have faith we can create a marriage unlike anything we imagined before.

We are both changing, so our marriage is changing. Need to give this time to see what comes of it.

We do love each other.

We love our daughters.

We love God.

All other people have issues too. Right now I am with a person who is actively growing and looking at herself. She is with a man that is doing the same thing...the odds of developing true intimacy I spoke of are simply better with my wife. We already have many, many stories shared between us over the past 20 years of knowing each other.

That last paragraph is not very romantic of a reason to stay. I am fine with that, even though I am a romantic at heart. Romantic love is that fun love we had when we first met...when anyone first meets....what I could have with another woman tomorrow. I think there is forever room for this in a relationship.

If I were to D I could enjoy romantic love for quite a while with another woman...but the whole while I would still thirst for true intimacy. If I D at this point I would wonder many what ifs surrounding this marriage.

I was a Guardian on a recent Honor Flight. John is a WWII veteran. He is 97 years old and still had, at times, the playfulness of a 13 year old boy.

Last night in bed my wife and I poked and teased each other like you did in grade school...it was stupid, childish behavior...but it was fun. It lasted for less then 1 minute but it makes me smile to think about it this morning.

I get wordy, I get into books and thoughts....FUN needs to be a part of every day life.