Stacey Grenrock Woods reveals what's permissible in the bedroom.Check out some of our best sex positions and tips and learn a thing or two.

What can I assume is in the standard sexual repertoire? A hundred years ago, you wouldn't be getting oral sex, right? Today it's standard. What else?

It's premature to assume that sex was much different in past generations. The mechanics have never really varied, only certain particulars may have changed. You may be surprised to learn that even a hundred years ago, women habitually performed blow jobs, just not while voting. With the exception of some new toe strokes (which are being discovered all the time), sex is basically finite -- not entirely finite, but pretty finite. Technically, you'd have to say it's infinite. But even so, chances are, anything you think of to do in bed, Heather Mills has already done, twice, with some businessmen. Today, you're likely to get some obligatory tattoo-removal chat, and the kisses might betray just a hint of OxyContin, along with the standard package: fondling, digital stimulation, oral stimulation, and vaginal penetration. Slightly less common but still in the same universe: enema play, locking restraints, master/slave humiliation, mummification bondage wrapping, sensory deprivation, horsehair flogging, and -- what am I forgetting? Oh, yes, kissing.

After how many dates should I expect sex?

Sex will usually arrive on date three, most often by armored limousine and flanked by a large motorcade, or at least a police escort. (But don't ask me what constitutes a "date," because I'm quite sure I've never had one. Where I'm from, the 1990s, there were no "dates." Everyone just hung out and then got it on. The only thing I knew of dating was what I had seen on Happy Days, and that you had to have a corsage. Why the "date" has reemerged in the current culture is beyond me. Freethinkers from the past decade -- people like Kurt Cobain, Bill Clinton, Arsenio Hall, and me -- all worked very hard to bring an end to this pointless convention. But if you people insist: date three.)

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Can I text the morning after, or do I have to call?

Texting is preferable, actually. Regardless of how good or bad a time you had, your recent partner doesn't really want to talk to you, either. So by texting, you are sparing both of you the tinge of revulsion at each other's voices. Besides, texting is still novel enough to inspire a certain amount of giddiness, and will be for about six more months. Then you probably will have to call.

I have a feeling that when my girlfriend asks me to talk dirty, she doesn't mean like the script of Young and Anal 3. What do I say in order to do it relatively well without making me a source of ridicule to the lady and her friends?

It's admirable that you want to protect your fair maiden from herself. However, it sounds like you are asking me to help you play it safe, to allow you to be a dirty-talk centrist. Shall I also get you an appropriate blue tie to wear so you can look innocuous while you marvel at her "splendid knockers" and her "first-rate birth canal"? I'm sorry, I just won't do it. For one thing, wimping out is over. It's time to step up and make some truly dirty statements during sex -- nauseating things about custard, and prime rib, and Jesuit priests, and stethoscopes, prison camps, chutney, anything you feel like saying. And for another thing, to be alive is to be a potential source of ridicule at all times, from every angle, for everyone, whether you know it or not.

I just started dating a girl. We're going to have sex. How quickly can I go for something a little more interesting than missionary, which I find pretty unsatisfying?

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The first few days back on the outside are certainly exhilarating, but unless it's something you specifically arranged with the agency, I'd have to recommend you stick with one of the more respectable gateway sex positions until she asks you to try something else. You'll seem more polished. Women really respect a guy who can resist flipping them over for the first twenty minutes.

How do I tell her, "It's not you, it's not your body -- it's those enormous four-year-old cotton underpants that are killing me"?

Exactly like that. It's direct, compelling, grammatically sound, tactful, but with a drop of levity. You'd do well to type it out, put it in an envelope, and mail it to yourself as proof of authorship. Might I make a small suggestion, however? Consider losing underpants. It has a weird juvenile implication. Undies is better. Of course, say any of this only after you've bought her a whole new set -- and then only if she presses you for an explanation. As always, make honesty your last resort.

Is a vibrator or other sex toy an appropriate gift?

If it were appropriate, it wouldn't be any fun, now would it? Let's think about classic gifts: candles, tea samplers, a tennis bracelet, planting a tree in Israel -- all appropriate, but would anyone want to fuck them? I don't think so. But just to be on the safe unsafe side, shop for the vibrator together. For one thing, she wouldn't be able to exchange it if you got her the wrong size.

What are the rules for masturbating when my girlfriend is asleep beside me?

As I tell my Brownie troop, a secret can only hurt someone if it's told. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to disturb your partner and vice versa. No one should take a thing like this personally -- it's just biology. You don't take photosynthesis personally anymore, do you? If you don't understand what I'm talking about or you haven't had Biology 1, you should not be in this class. This is Advanced Masturbatory Thought. Go to the counselor's office and ask for a transfer.

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Last time we had sex, my girlfriend asked me to try anal sex. I'm not interested. How do you tell a woman you just don't want to go there?

I'm afraid you have to do it anyway. Your girlfriend and I and all of us here who love you have decided that it's time for you to make a change. We're not ganging up on you, we just want you to know that you have a choice: You can either start engaging in twice-yearly anal sex like the rest of the world, or we must turn our backs on you forever. We're only saying this because we love you and we don't want to watch you do this to yourself. We wish it didn't have to be this way.

I have a blog where I write about everything in my life (including my sex life). Do I need to disclose that before I sleep with someone?

Shakespeare said, "Neither a vlogger nor a blogger be," but Laertes didn't even know basic HTML. Overall, I'd say prevention is the key here. Like I tell the exchange students who come to stay with me and clean my pool, sleeping with a blogger, rare as it may be, is like playing with fire -- tedious, scrollable, basic HTML fire. Since you say you are a blogger yourself, you may want to consider not writing about your sex life. Instead, you can always upload another picture of the view from your window. I'm sure the weather has changed since last time.

I'm sleeping with two women I met around the same time. It's still pretty early on in both relationships, so I'm not sure where either one is going. What am I obliged to reveal to either or both?

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Not much until things get serious, or too complicated scheduling-wise. You will know when the time is right. Most people hear a calling or have a vision or get caught. At this point, there's not much you can do other than face the music. Just say, "Girls, I've been doing both of you because I'm trying to establish which one will provide me with more sex in the future. It's called evolution by natural selection. Look it up." If neither partner accepts the terms you present, it's perfectly okay to abandon them both for a new partner who is better looking. I know it sounds harsh, but that's the way things work. You can't make an omelette without completely using up some eggs, whipping them into a frenzy, setting them over a high flame to the point of irreversible protein denaturation to keep their cells from carrying out their natural functions, and tossing their shells to be crushed in a vortex of whirling blades.

The Rules for First Encounters

Best possible places for the first encounter, in order of preference: her bedroom, any other place. Don't expect your partner to decipher your "Oh, yeah" from your "Uh-huh." If you like something, say it. Work smarter, not harder. A few things to think about to last as long as possible: the World Bank, education secretary Margaret Spellings, Hegel's color theory, that New York Times crossword clue you were having so much trouble with, the Norwegian language, each of the twenty-three flavors that make up a Dr Pepper, Appalachia, the oeuvre of Wim Wenders. Seeing a woman's naked body for the first time is like seeing a fireworks show: You've done it a million times, and by all rights it should be humdrum by now, but somehow you always end up wanting to applaud anyway.

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The Rules for Oral Sex

When Receiving: Give her some kind of warning. "I just came!" doesn't count. Always reciprocate. Better yet, ladies first. When giving: It's a clitoris, not a Tootsie Pop. Work harder, not smarter. Is your tongue starting to ache? Really, really bad? Like you think you can't go on? Relax, you still have twenty minutes to go.

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