Thanks. I'll have a look at the rules. The post deleted itself when I went to change it. oh well.

So, today was one of my worst days. I'm 16, and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get over a C on a math test. when I look over it, they are all really stupid mistakes. It's a real kicker in the self esteem. I want to get help, but some part of me wants to stay like this, as if I deserve it and somtimes I feel like I do. My parents are riding me about my dropping grades, but they don't seem to understand that it's really hard just to get up and start the day, let alone get 4.0 in school. I feel that I don't have ANY support from them, so that's why I came to this to try to make me feel better. But right now, I'm really down. It feels like no one cares about me. This might sound kind of self centered in a way, but I wish someone would notice me and help me. Thankfully, I'm not thinking of suicide.

I also have a question. Atleast once a day, I have these moments of extreme anxiety and I guess I could call it a panic attack. I hate these parts of the day the most. What can I do to help ease the anxiety?

Hi thereSchool is very hard,and being a teenager is harder I think. I do not want to relive those days.I think it is time that you talk to your parents and tell them about the panic attacks. Then see if they can take you to the doctor.Let your parents do their job by taking care of you. You could even print out your posts on here and let them read it.School is hard enough,and dealing with depression and panic attacks makes it alot harder.If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents right now,then I suggest talking to your school counselor.

Yeah I understand how you are feeling! I've had MD for 3 years and it's messed me up 1 too many times . Also my parents are totally the same way, they don't get it. We're all here to help you and alot of other people will be in the same sort of position: Which will make you feel better, in knowing that you are not alone. Anyway I've got to go I'm feeling a little down myself today and need to go back to bed.

Thanks to everyone who has posted to me. Shy, I always had an idea of going to my school counsler, but I could never think of a way to go up to them and say " Oh I'm depressed and I want to talk to my counsler." It always sounded dumb, or it didn't sound right. I really do appreciate your advice though. Mousey, I'm glad that there is someone out there that knows what I'm talking about, and I'm glad that I found this site so that I can write down how I actually feel, without feeling the uneasiness that I would if I were to talk to someone I know. This might sound pigheaded, but I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want anybody thinking that I was weak. I know I am, by not telling anyone, but it's just that inside impulse that make me feel that way no matter what I try to tell myself.

You're not weak at all and anybody who tells you otherwise has clearly never been through anything like what you're experiencing. Depression and panic attacks are frightening and isolating, they take over your thoughts and make everything virtually impossible, even the simplest things. Just the fact that you get up every day and face everything that makes you feel like this means you have more strength than most. Being seen as weak is a big fear of mine too, which is why I don't admit my problems to many people. I can tell you it hasn't helped me in the slightest. Don't think that because some other people don't need some help and support that you're weaker than them because you do need some. You have different circumstances altogether, and I'm sure if they felt like you do at the moment they would need it as well. It's totally unreasonable to expect somebody to carry such a heavy burden by themselves, there's no shame in saying that there's too much going on for you to cope with. The panic attacks may be something to do with feeling like you have no control with things like your grades etc. Try addressing this , like bring it up with your parents, tell them that you tried really hard on your latest test but still got a C and you really want to do better but you find it hard. Or if your maths teacher is a nice guy, bring it up with him and ask him to speak to them. Emphasise that you really want to improve and you're willing to try what they suggest, if they doubt you then say why would I come to you for help if all I wanted to do was screw around? Or ask a friend who's good at maths to help out. I was quite good at it and I used to help my friend out, and at first he was kinda embarrassed, but when he started to pick it up, he got more confident and realised he could actually do it, he just needed a bit of guidance to start him off.As for speaking to your counsellor, it can be intimidating when you don't know what to expect, but once you start talking it gets easier as you realise all the things you were worried about aren't happening. Go to him/her, say you just want to talk to them for a minute, and start with whatever you find easiest to talk about. You don't have to tell them everything in one sentence, there's no pressure on you. Maybe start with your grades. Say you've been having trouble with them and you want some advice on how to improve them. Once you feel a bit more comfortable talking about it you can bring other things into the conversation like your parents and then it will be easier to admit that its stressing you out. Your school counsellor has more than likely encountered somebody in a similar situation and will know exactly how to help you based on your own circumstances, so it is worth getting some face to face advice from them. The most important thing is that they're on your side completely, and it doesn't sound like you've felt like that too much recently, so it may help you a bit to know that somebody will listen if you want to rant and not dismiss your problems or add to them. Good luckx

? -- I know what you are going through. What helps me when I start to look around and think, "Well, all these OTHER people sure have their acts together, and I don't," I remember the Alcoholics Anonymous advice: Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides.

Life being what it is, and adolescence being what it is, I'll just bet that there are other kids at your school, in your classes, or even just passing you in the hallway who are hurting as much as you are inside, but they are hiding it. Or self-medicating it with alcohol and drugs. They are also afraid to get help because of not wanting to "appear weak." The fact is, it takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help, and then to get that help.

I spent my entire high school career in mid-level or serious depression, lying about it, covering it up, suffering alone.

Reading all of your posts, It really has helped me find that thing deep inside of me to help me get out of this. Everything you all said, almost applies to exactly how I feel and am. Reading your posts makes me cry, because I know that eventhough you don't know me, you've shown me more care than anyone has ever given to me when I told them that I had some sort of problem. All of your advice is really great, and I definitely plan to do something. xtx, thank you so much for all of your advice. It really put things in persective for me that I never thought of before and zinniagirl, you've helped me too. I can't believe that all of these things never crossed my mind before, and you guys helped me realize that. I know that my journey through depression won't end here, but I know now that I'm starting to end it. I just hope it turns out right.

Healing from depression can never be wrong. Keep that in mind.It is so hard to deal with it,and even harder when you don't feel like you have support and no one understands.I wanted to add something about talking to your school counsler. First of all,do not worry about "sounding stupid". He/She will not think that you are stupid and I think you will find that talking to them will help you alot.Plus you can use the counsler as a crutch in talking to your parents. Even going as far as having the counsler call them to let them know what is going on and then hopefully the counsler will suggest that your parents make a Doctor's appointment for you.As far as the reason you are seeing them,just put down "personal" that is all you need to say..

x, Things don't seem to be getting better, even with all my efforts to try to get rid of my depression, and I can tell that it's only getting worse. I've been noticing that I've been growing further and further away from my friends. Everything seems to be falling apart. my determination a week ago has vanished, and for a little bit, I didn't even to post here. I told my mom about me being depressed, and she said that I was probably trying to come up with a stupid excuse to explain my dropping grades. It's not like she is a bad mom, I know she loves me, but she has lost her trust in me since I'm not getting great grades any more. I remember before I had depression, I was a 4.0 student, now I'm sitting on C's. It really sucks, because no matter how hard I seem to try, I can't do any better. I've been forgetting lots of things, causing me to get in trouble, not turn in my assignments, and even listen to my parent's things that they want me to do. Everything is getting worse and worse, and nobody has noticed. I guess that shows how much everybody cares about me. That sounded really self centered back there sorry. I still havn't mustered up the will to go see my counsler. I don't know why I havn't gone yet, but either I forget, or I feel like I don't need to, even though I do. Nothing makes sense anymore.

As a future social worker (starting my practicum in Sept.), I would strongly recommend your talking to your mom again until she really gets that you are depressed. Sometimes we mom's just don't get it until our kids tell us the depth of what is happening to them. It would mean so much to me if my daughter came to me and said you don't get it - I AM DEPRESSED AND NEED SOME HELP!I will pray for you this evening and know that you can challenge yourself to tell your truth to your mom-GOD BLESS.

sparky,I want to tell my mom and make her understand, but a part of me doesn't want her to spend her money on. I feel as if I'm a burden to her, and that I'm wasting all of her money and time. My mom doesn't make me feel that way, but I feel that I am. I guess I think that I'm not worth her time. I feels as if she has already spent so much money on me, that it wouldn't be right to go and ask her for more things, like going to see someone for my depression. I don't want to go to my dad, because first, he definitely wouldn't understand, and secondly, he thinks that I'm on drugs. It's so frustrating sometimes, because in a way, he makes it worse.

state testing is coming up, and I think i'm not going to preform as well as I could because I havn't been able to think as inteligently as I used to. It seems that depression has fogged up my head, and made me numb. I feel a little better when I post my feelings here, but I can't say that it's actually helping. Sometimes, if feels like all i'm doing is complaining, and that I should stop being so whiny and not to burden anyone with it. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

You're getting alot of great advice and support here. My background is I used to run a childrens residential treatment center, so I've worked with many many kids in your situation and far worse. My heart goes out to you, it's dark and scary place, and without someone who cares, it can feel pretty lonely and hopeless. But by your being here I hope you've seen (and can retain) that it is NOT hopeless.

Anyway...My instinct tells me you've got to see somone ASAP. I agree that you should talk to you mom (is your Dad in the picture? If so, him too; also, do you have another relative you can confide in, a pastor:).Anyway, when you try to talk to her again and if your mom says it's an excuse etc, try out these lines: "Mom, I want you to take me seriously" or, ..."When you say that I feel you don't love me".or, if she's still not getting it..."I don't feel suicidal now, but I'm getting close"... anyway, the goal is to focus on the process you're going through, and not the 'issues' that she's got on her mind. Sure, you don't want to be melodramatic, but you do need your parents attention and support now.

Also, to see a school counselor, just say "Family problems", or "Personal problems", or "I need to talk to someone"(without a 'why'); you can also say, "I need information about depression" (an info request approach might work too). Regardless, the first step is to get to the right person who can coach you through these inherently stressful times in your life ( I agree, the pressure and expectations on you kids these days in high school is way too much, I sure wouldn't want to be a teen now!). Also, from the sound of it, based on your accounts, if your mom continues to see your calls for help as game-playing or manipulation attempts, then I'm sure a good counselor would also want to include family therapy type involvements (I'm a firm believer in the family systems approach)

Lastly, DO check back in here on a daily basis for awhile, so we can keep an eye on you {hugs}(PS: Can you give your self a screen name? I feel funny calling you "?" . :}Came here initially for the Chronic Pain forum but visit others as well.Details of the chronic pain, meds etc at: tinyurl.com/ysd7h6

Thanks for the advice OO. I changed my screen name. I do understand that it is odd to write to somebody that goes by "?".

Today was one of those worse days that I can have. I've been noticing that my concentration is slipping, and I tend to think more of all of the bad things that have happened to me. I find that I can't cancentrate on one thing for more than just a little bit. Even when I post, I stop and and I have to take a few minutes to figure out what I was going to say. It's really frustrating. I'm really concerned about this, because next week, we have state testing, and if I can't even focus and concentrate for more than 20 minutes, then my grades on those tests aren't going to be what they should be. I guess I can say that I finally got my mom to understand that I actually had something going on with me. She's helping me, but she STILL won't believe me when I say that I'm depressed. I feel so drained of energy every single day. It's not like it's anything new, but I'm noticing it more and more. I really do apprecieate all of your great advice, it really helped me in a lot of ways. Thanks

Great screen name Froggy! I'm happy to see you here, and sorry to hear it's still a tough go for you today.And, way to go that you talked to your mom! But it still sounds like you're still trying to 'go it alone' emotionally though. I hope you do think about what some of us oldsters have said to you about getting to someone professional, like a school counselor, etc. But, maybe you and your mom have worked together to set you up for counseling or something, that would be great too. (I think ideally it will be best if your mom is involved no matter which way you take your problem solving) . But you didn't say how your mom plans to help. I'm not asking you to tell me/us, unless it's something you want to share here, just hoping that your moving towards some sort of action plan to address all the feelings you've expressed here.

Sometimes when our thinking is clouded by depression or anxiety it IS hard to focus, super hard. One thing I use myself is to keep a journal. Journals are private things, not meant for sharing with anyone so you can just write freely without worry of it being 'correct'. I use mine in the tougher times to force myself to articulate the experience I'm having at the time, to try to specify things, and,importantly, spell out concrete things I can do/say when in the mid of the major funk. It works sometimes, other times it's less helpful.

Sometimes it's called "intensive journalling". It's not for everyone but it's another possible tool to add to your coping tool chest. What you're doing by writing here is actually just like journalling, except we're reading it -- so maybe you've already started with that tool in your own way.

Anyway, I was happy to see you here today when I checked in. I just re-read your post and it sort of hit me that you sure are hard on yourself... Hey, leave that to the World out there , be your own best friend and give yourself some slack, patience and remember, nobody's perfect. Take care Froggy! Warm regards, "OO" [2}Dx: Post Spinal Fusion chronic pain since 1984;Polyneuropathy;Meniere's Disease, deafness & severe tinnitus, Left side; Intmt Anhedonic depression;Hx,Meds:tinyurl.com/ysd7h6

My mom and I have made an appointment with our family doc by the weekend. I really like your idea on the journaling thing, except I think me writing here is definitely helping. You really give great advice. When I write here, I feel better, because I don't have to keep so many secrets inside, and i'm able to let them out. I'm really glad I found this place, because somebody is actually there listening, instead of just brushing it aside. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but my parents are relentless when it comes to school. They want me to be perfect, and they expect me to be perfect, but I still can't bet it through to them that I can't, and that they aren't making it any better. I wiash I had the courage to actually say that to them, but I'm afraid that I don't have it in me. Don't worry I have taken everyone's great advice, and it really does help me. I'm really glad there are people like you out there.

Hey, I'm so sorry things don't seem to be improving. I know how tempting it is to just try to sort your problems out alone, but its near impossible at 16. You have nothing previous in your life to base your actions on here, so its no surprise you feel a bit out of control. You need the support of somebody who has seen this before and has learned how to handle it through experience, i.e. your mum or a counsellor. It's great that you went to your mum, but I think that part of her denial might be a refusal to accept her child could be so distressed, maybe she feels partly to blame, maybe she is scared herself. However it is her responsibilty to help and support you no matter what, you come first. Its not a case of money, this is your life and your wellbeing. It will NEVER be a waste of money if it means that you can be happy and healthy again, and I'm sure that once your mum accepts that you're depressed, she'll feel the same way. The problem is actually getting her to accept it. Keep telling her. Tell her your symptoms, tell her what stresses you out, tell her anything and everything you feel, as many times as it takes for her to take you seriously. Tell your dad as well. And also when you do speak to your counsellor it might be worth having them call your parents. With some more persistence, they will soon see that you are serious, and it make take a little while but the longer you try to go it alone the worse you will feel. Please take it from my experience, you try to carry the whole weight on your own shoulders, you're eventually gonna fall down. Plenty of people recover from depression and with a bit of - admittedly hard - work you're gonna as well, so I don't want you losing all that optimism you had the other day. Its happened to me, suddenly there's all these new things and I'm convinced one of them is going to be the answer, but I try something and there's a setback and I end up disheartened. But its ok cos for everything that doesn't work we've got a million more suggestions, so keep coming to us and telling us what's going on, one day soon you're gonna find something that works for you, we'll give you all the support and encouragement you need to see it through. Go to school, take a deep breath, clear your head and go straight to the counsellor's office. Don't say after class or tomorrow, just go for it. Don't leave until you're satisfied that you've been taken seriously and she understands everything you're saying to her. Keep your head up, we're gonna fix this ok? Might not feel like it at the moment but keep trying, you'll get therexxx

Froggy: Thanks so much for keeping us posted on things with you. And glad that the advice you're getting from folks here is helpful. It says alot (good) about you that you are open to listen to others. Not everyone going through what you are does that btw. And remember the old Zen saying, which I've always loved, "When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears". In other words, you are receptive to learn, so when someone gives you good input, you take it in and try to learn from it.

As for what X says -- I'm 110% in agreement with what s/he said above. Good luck and have the best weekend you can :} . [2}Dx: Post Spinal Fusion chronic pain since 1984;Polyneuropathy;Meniere's Disease, deafness & severe tinnitus, Left side; Intmt Anhedonic depression;Hx,Meds:tinyurl.com/ysd7h6

Thanks so much, OO, and xtx, I really think all your advice has helped me. I scheduled an appt. with my counsler, and it's set up for the week after next week, since we have testing next week.

I had one of my worst panic attacks today. It was before school, but throughout the day, I couldn't concentrate or do anything productive. I felt numb, and "somewhere else". Worst part is, I told my friends that I was depressed, and they all kinda pushed it away. I thought I could trust them, but they didn't care much. It's funny, you think you know someone, and then you open up to them, and they turn their back on you. To me, I really don't know WHO I can trust with my true problems, besides you guys here. You guys have helped me so much though, and although I said this almost a million times, I'm glad that I found this place. I'm feeling really down, but atleast I have the weekend to try to recover a bit from this week.

FroggyDon't be mad at your friends. It is an old rule that people who do not have depression have no clue what you are going thru. That is just nature,and quite frankly kids that young have no idea how to deal with it.They want to hear the gossip,and the good things that are happening. And some people are going thru so much themselves they have no strength to help anyone else.

I am very proud of you for making an appointment with the counselor..That is a HUGE step!!!!!

I finally figured out why I try to put everything on myself, and not letting anyone else help. It was partly because of my dad. He wants me to be PERFECT. He's the one who put in my head the thought that I was wasting my parents money. I think I'm a disappointment to him, and that I can never be perfect. He's always putting me down, or trying to. He just says those little things that finally got to me. I'm trying not to blame my dad in the starting of my depression, but I think he may have had something to do with it, without even knowing it. It reminds me of this little activity that my fifth grade teacher made us do. She put us into groups, and we each took someones hand, so that we were all tangled up, and we had to get untangled. She put two people who were supposed to be negative, and eventually, it got to all of us. I'm afraid to talk to my dad about it, because what he doesn't want to hear, he doesn't.

Atleast i'm feeling a bit better, now that it's the weekend, and I can try to relax and release some of that pressure. It'll feel good to just sit outside in the nice weather. (I found that that has helped me stop thinging those negative thoughts.)

Oh Froggy,I don't even know what to say..mostly because my dad deserted me when I was born.He died this past year. I was not even mentioned in the obit as a child of his.I thought after not knowing him for so many years,and making myself forget that he even existed I would not be hurt.Wrong.It broke my heart,I have not faced the hurt yet, I still tell myself he is not worth it.But that is a rant in itself.From seeing my ex with my kids I can tell you that dads are a different breed. Their daughters are so precious to them,they want the world to them. And I guess they really do not know how to show it.I am sure your dad loves you hun.. you just have to remember that society has taught men to be tough...meaning do not show emotion,always be strong.I will tell you that if your dad shows enough feelings to want you to be more than you are..well then he loves you.Don't give up on him..show him the way.You are a very very strong person.And I can tell you have alot of love in your life.You might need to show the way to certain people on how to show that love in a way that you can understand...but,you can do it.Please stay strong and do not ever give up on yourself.

Shy, I'm really sorry for your loss, but you don't quite understand. See, he wanted me to be a boy. My dad is chinese, and supposedly, to have a boy is way better than having a girl. He told me himself, that he wanted me to be a boy. Maybe that's his wierd way of saying he loves me, but the way he's showing his love is making me feel worse. I really don't know what to do. I can't show my dad "the way", because he probably won't let me. He's a smoker, so sometimes, he's a bit "cranky". It's really hard to talk to him, because it's clear that he favors my younger sister more than me. My sister is that biggest tomboy, and that might be why he likes her better than me. I love my dad, and I know he loves me, but I know that it'll never be as much as my sister. I don't hate my sister, maybe a little envious, but we're like best friends. Sometimes I feel like I didn't turn out how my parents wanted me to, and that I'm a disappointment. I guess, I can't wait for my appt. with my doc.