Annie: Simple communication is still cheating

DEAR ANNIE: My wife recently had an affair. She told me she was in love with the guy and was going to leave me. Now she says she realizes he was only using her physically and she isn’t interested in him anymore.

This affair ended last winter, and they had no contact for a while. Our marriage seemed to be mending. However, about six weeks ago, my wife grew more and more distant and had no interest in being intimate. I then discovered she was texting this same man. When I confronted her, she denied she was doing anything wrong. Now if I bring it up, she becomes angry and refuses to discuss it.

I have a problem with this. I feel her continued conversations with this man are a violation of my trust. She betrayed me with this guy and claimed he was no longer a part of her life. Her justification is that she isn’t, in fact, seeing him and has no interest in resuming their affair. She says she is completely committed to me.

I still am hurt by his attentions and her continued communication with him. This is becoming a very sore spot in our relationship, and I fear it may lead to a divorce. Am I wrong to feel this way? I love my wife and believe she loves me, but I find it almost impossible to trust her. Please help. — Brokenhearted Husband

Your wife is still cheating. Whether or not she is seeing this man, she is still in touch with him, and that is an emotional betrayal.

You are being far too accommodating. Tell her all communication with this man must stop immediately and permanently.

Anything else means she values that relationship more than her marriage. And please consider counseling — together or on your own.

DEAR ANNIE: Our 35-year-old daughter, “Keri,” stole one of our credit cards and ran up a bill of nearly $30,000. She did this just after we signed for a new car for her — on which she has discontinued making payments.

Keri has a good job, and we don’t understand where her money goes. My husband had to put off retiring this year in order to meet her obligations. He is afraid to cut her off, because each time we get into an argument about not being paid back, Keri threatens to keep us from seeing our grandchildren.

What can we do when she repeatedly promises to make good on these debts, but continues to fail? — Heartbroken (Brokenhearted above) Couple in Indiana

Keri uses the grandchildren as leverage because it works. Unless you want this situation to continue forever, you must be willing to call her bluff. (You might remind her that she stole your credit card and you can report her to the police.) Keri could benefit from talking to a credit counselor (nfcc.org), who will help her set up a budget she can live with. We also recommend Debtors Anonymous (debtorsanonymous.org). After all, you will not always be around to bail her out, and it’s time she learned that (to avoid bail her out/figure it out).