Quest of the Archemage

To Santa Cora!

Day 1
Today has been an interesting day. The Archmage has summoned myself and 4 other unique individuals for a mission. We are to travel to Santa Cora to meet The Priestess, and receive further instruction from her on where to carve a specific rune.
Our team, assembled by the Archmage one of the Archmage’s assistants, is quite a colorful one.
Besides myself, a seasoned fighter for the Light, I am also companion to…

a gnome ranger whose allergy to magic is almost debilitating, and her pet wolf “Lucky”;

a brutish dwarf who, if he embraced practices of basic hygiene like he does alcohol, he’d be far more pleasant to be around;

a modest cleric;

and finally, an Elven sorceress with a history of delinquency and substance abuse.

Each of us have been promised unique rewards for completing this mission: honor and glory, allergy pills, debts waived, gold, and a clean slate.
The last I have been charged with a secondary mission most altruistic: I have been entrusted to see to it that the misguided Elven lady stays out of trouble, to which I will see to whole-heartedly.

We found a ship on which I was able to afford us passage at a discount, so long as we provided the ship and her crew protection on the voyage. In the process, we discovered that Lucky really enjoys pizza.

Before we could leave, I had to track down the dwarf of our group, and I found him in one of the local taverns, stumbling drunk, and having been making inappropriate comments to the tavern maids, so I took him to the fountain and dipped him in the cold water to sober him up and ameliorate his stench. (I’m probably going to invest in a block of soap in the near future) We set sail that same day around 1800 hours.

Day 2
Today we discovered some illegal substances on the ship. Much to the disappointment of the recovering sorceress who tracked it down and tried to take it for herself (and of the captain whom I later found out was the owner of it), I dumped the pixie dust over the side of the boat. It seems I will need to give more attention to keeping the young Elf lady out of trouble. That is just what I will do.

Day 3
Today has been largely uneventful. I met a member of the ships crew who could perform 2-finger push-ups, which was impressive, but that’s pretty much it. we were attacked by a privateer ship of the Lich King tonight. They managed to ram into our ship and proceeded to board us. We managed to fight them off. The abominations which weren’t knocked over the side of the ship by myself or the dwarf were either mauled by Lucky or incinerated by Stone (the elf sorceress). We even proceeded to commandeer the offending ship and free the still alive prisoners on board, so now we have our own ship the rest of the way. The transition would’ve gone quite smoothly if several team members hadn’t tried to steal some of the edible cargo from the ship under our protection. Luckily the captain still allowed us to part with enough days ration for us and our rescued hostages.
However there’s still the problem that my teammates cannot seem to see virtue as its own reward, so I’m probably going to have to personally address that in the very near future by drafting a code of behaviour (no drugs, no stealing, no inappropriate remarks about any woman’s anatomy) and think of some clever way of enforcing it. Either way, it’s been a long night and I’m about to get some sleep.

Day 4
Today has been a good day. The former prisoners are looking healthier since they’ve had the chance to eat more properly and escape the holding cells. Tomorrow we should reach the ports of Santa Cora. I’ll go ahead and take down the Lich King flag after this entry and then go to bed.

Events that definitely happened

231 days since I started keeping time again (spring?)

I was saving the animals of the forest from dragon elf wizards when one of the Archmage’s servantsslaves humans came and told me that the Archmage was in dire need of my help. I mounted onto my tamed unicorn, riding towards the tower of the Archmage. I rode through the gates of the city upon my magic horse and climbed to the top of the tower. The Archmage’s emissary was so impressed by my epic feat of strength that he gave me a bunch of gold. The emissary said I had to go save the world. I selflessly accepted. While I needed no help in this quest, the emissary human said that the archmage insisted that I have some servants to assist me along my journey.

The first of our group is a weak little gnome. In my experience in the underground, gnomes are only good for two things – shoving them into narrow tunnels, or throwing them across bottomless pits. Thus I anticipate our relationship will involve much shoving and throwing.

The second is a human paladin. He is unbelievably stupid and superstitious. He claims that pizza is evil and eating it is a sin against the gods. His only redeeming feature is that he is not a gnome.

We also have 4 animals accompanying us. The wolf and the cat are fine but the other two look sick and I intend to bury them in the first ditch I come across.

After leaving the archmage’s tower to start our quest I order the human and the gnome to search for a ship to take us to our first destination while I search for provisions. While in the tavern I encountered an enormously large she-ogre. She became hostile after I refused to buy her a drink and I was forced to slay her with my bear hands. The human rushed through the door at the last moment to see me stand victorious. He was probably scared and hiding outside the whole time. The human informed me that my ship was waiting in the harbor and we departed.

First Rune

It is six days into our journey and finally we are off that infernal boat and I feel well enough to write.

This morning started oddly, when the human called a meeting. Really is it not bad enough that we are forced to work together, but to call a meeting? Anyway he was angry about the attempted, appropriation, of supplies. Though it seems he did not realize I was also a part of it. At the end of the meeting he asked me to inform him whenever I saw one of the other members of our unmerry band doing something unlawful or that would cause trouble. Hm it seems he is under the idea that I am trustworthy, this will be to easy, and really what is unlawful anyway?

The port coming into view broke up this gathering of great minds, and its distraction it provided means that the paladin missed my and Lucky’s laughter. Thankfully the paladin had enough sense to take down the lynch kings flag, so we were not shot on site. However the docks were not bare, we were met with a wave of white clad solders. Come to find out they were the guard to the Priestess and decided to take our hard won boat. Ah well you win some you lose some

Two of the saddest guards I have ever seen were set to guide us to our meeting and the dwarf just slipped away, ah well there is not much trouble he could get into in this city, innless he happens to run into a few of the, ah packages, I have delivered here in the past. Being escorted like prisoners caused Lucky to get cranky, not that I blame her, only fools and it seems our so called leader like being herded like sheep. Though I am not sure they are not one in the same, he asked if his hair looked ok, his HAIR. What is this a beauty pageant?

The Priestess, how do I put into words how much that meeting both infuriated and intrigued me? She did not seem to think we were worthy of doing this task the arch mage had set us, but what she let slip was even more interesting. The Archamage turned down her team in favor of us, which makes me wonder why. Does he have plans that include our team, or is this a setup, after all no one in party, bar the human is a friend to that man. We also learned that we need stone to place the runes, go figure, at least we now have a reason for the presence of the infernal magic user. She is lucky I didn’t ley Lucky bit her after her suggestion of using me as a magic detector. As we left we found the dwarf waiting for us outside the doors, apparently the way to get him to come back is to be sure there is nothing alcoholic around.

After a shopping trip for supplies, in which the paladin, no Galad, showed that he does know how to use his brain and soap was bought we headed into the catacombs. Back underground, a place that Lucky and I hate, well at least it is not tunnels. No it is hallways, hallways everywhere and nay a sign in sight. As much as I hate to say it, my allergies came in handy in leading us in the right direction. It took a while but we finally found a door, with tombs, which the dwarf convinced the others not to touch, hm he may not be so bad after all, and his stench is helping Lucky train to find faint traces of scents over any smell.

Finally we came upon a room with beasts, kobolds, what annoying pest they are. After an explosive fight we looted the room. I know the dwarf found some kind of scroll, though not what, and I myself found potions and gold. In the next room, we managed to capture and integrate another of those scaly menaces, and found out that there are 3 more of his kind ahead towards the quickest path to the statue, but there is another path as well. We, deciding that we can’t risk bringing the kobold with us, nor with leaving him behind decided to, eliminate the problem he presented. I do wish Galad waited until Lucky had moved, blood is so hard to wash out of fur. It is in this room that we are resting now, while we decide on which path to take.

crypt part 2

So we decided to take the quickest route to our goal, which let us to the Kobold’s meeting room. The Dwarf was reckless and rushed the three beast, he managed to knock one on to the table however. During the fight the Drow was badly hurt, and at one point even passed out after she stepped into the flight path of one of my arrows.

After the battle we explored a bit more, we found a room with a pit, but with no rope we could not get to it and thus left it alone. As we continued forward the dwarf found a treasure chest that had traps around it, he used the bodies of the slain kobold’s to test the traps, which were quite impressive.

The dwarf eventually gave up, after his door was slashed in half and it was then that I couldn’t resist, I had to see if the trap master really were good. I used a door to bypass the pressure plated on the bottom step and approached the chest, as I did flames surrounded it, as I had nothing to put them out with, I decided to leave it alone. After all, I only wanted to show the dwarf that it was possible to get to the chest.

As we continued on the dwarf noticed some tiles were odd in a room, and he took his weapon to the floor, which after a few hits caved in. He climbed down the pit and found a treasure chest which he then tried to lie to me about the contents of, really now the dwarf has nothing on my family or myself for that matter.

We pushed on an on, and as we did my head kept getting worse, eventually lucky had to pick me up so I could even go with the party. I really hate magic, I will be useless soon. I see there is a big door ahead of us, and it looks like the party has stopped here to make a plan, I have a feeling that whatever we are looking for, it is behind those doors, and I know I want to be as far from here as possible.

The Story that is Absolutely Totally True

233 days since I started keeping track of things again

Today a mighty pirate ship was spotted in the waters, except the pirates were dead, and they weren’t really pirates. The paladin human, gnome, and everyone else shrieked in terror and ran below deck to hide leaving me alone to fight the dark servants of that one guy. Luckily I was able to incinerate half of them with using a new magic spell I invented. The other half I defeated with my spear using my signature whirlwind attack.

Afterwards, I convinced my useless servants to stop hiding in barrels and go explore the ship of the skeletal sea men wherein I discovered some worthless humans that were being sent to the necropolis for obvious reasons. They hailed me as their god and savior and begged me to take them as my servants but I made them climb aboard the ship with the pizza guy who GAVE me a crate of pizza as an offering. I ordered my cowardly servants to crew the ship as I got some much deserved rest in the quarter’s of the deceased captain.

#1 for a F*king Reason

We I have arrived at Santa Cora by the ship I had liberated from the Lich King’s raiders. Upon my arrival, I was greeted by a band of trumpeters and four platoon of paladinsGALAD’STHE HUMAN’S WORTHLESSFRIENDS. As I walked to the great Cathedral, I had to push my way through the crowds anxious to see me in my glory. Upon entry into the doors of the Cathedral, the Priestess threw herself at my feet begging for my aid. Apparently, the sewers of the city have been overrun by creatures of the dark, no doubt summoned there by the Diabolist to undermine her reign. Every night, innocent citizens humans are taken from their homes by the various demons that dwell below and taken to be sacrificed to their blood god. When the priestess asked me what they were planning, I told her that they are using the souls of the sacrificed to power some sort of blood ritual in the sewers below that would cause a great misfortune to befall the city. Unfortunately for them, they did not count on the priestess having a legendary hero as her champion. I donned my armor, grabbed my spear, and gathered my servants as I will need people to carry my treasure back once I crush the great darkness below and take their many ill gotten gains. As I was leaving, the priestess called to me. She presented to me a magical axe that was proven to banish normally immortal demons from our plane of existence. While I assured that I could easily dismember any immortals I encountered below, leaving them harmless, she insisted that I use it. Legendary axe in hand and with my servants cowering behind me, I descended into the cold catacombs of Santa Cora.

In which good intentions set sail.

Free! Free! We are free at last. Out of those accursed tunnels and back into fresh air. Tonight was, fun. We left behind the tunnels of Santa Cora for a festival with an unknown origin. Some of the party wanted to join in the celebrations, but the Dwarf put an end to that by using brain power I was not sure he had. He pulled aside one of the citizens and questioned him, revealing that the festival was for the cleansing of the ship we brought in, cleansing by fire. Then the dwarf acted as I expected him to, with anger and violence. He then ran off in the direction of the harbor. After this we split, Galad to speak to the Priestess, and the Drow with myself and Lucky to deal with Arvic.

I am not sure if what happened next was what the human had in mind really. We found the dwarf staring over the crowd to the ship that was guarded by a group of the city’s guards, and no plan that we could see. At first I wanted to see if we could reason with them, but there is no reasoning with zealots. So we started to plan a heist. The Drow noticed an unattended Oxen and offered to use it as a distraction, while the dwarf wanted to start a fight. I myself was divided, I could use my magic at a cost to myself to create a distraction, but then these party members of mine would know I can do magic, and that would be a pain.

Before I could make up my mind however the dwarf grew impatient and started through the sea of people, swinging left and right trying to get to the guards. Pushed to action, I sent the Drow to cause her distraction. After they both were out of range, I used my illusion to make it seem as if a building a few streets over had exploded, leaving me both tired and sneezing. However it did the trick, and four of the guards left to investigate.

The last two were swept into the mayhem that Arvic’s actions had caused. That job was only made harder by the rampaging Oxen that oddly enough had a bright red hand print on its hindquarters. I suppose this was the Drow’s plan. Lucky and I followed the path this beast left behind, and took up guard positions at the ship, ready just in case. The dwarf tried to climb a rope, but fell in and had to swim to the hull instead, but once up there severed all the ropes but one, making my job much easier.

It was just as the last rope was falling into the water, creating a large splash that a horrid creature appeared in front of me. She was a cat folk, and was annoying like most cats are. She demanded to be allowed to board our ship claiming she was a “scholar” and it had invaluable information. Yeah right scholar, she is just a scavenger looking for relics of a time long past. However she did say Galad had sent her, and even if it was unlikely to be true I did not want a chance of another lecture. That man is long winded enough.

So she boarded the ship, and she and Arvic had some kind of exchange, but I did not hear what as the other guards came back. It took them a moment to notice me, but thankfully the Drow got back to us in that time, though she was as high as a dragon on a thermal. However she made it to the ship ok, after taking a quick swim. The guards tried to corner me after this, as the mob had finally settled. I loathed to get on the ship and leave Lucky, but we had no choice. Calling up an old standby we have made for this moment Lucky and I split, she distracting the guards before running away and I set out for the ship cutting the rope from the shore before jumping into the water. I only hoped Lucky thought to find the human before meeting us at the river.

Though it seems my fears are unwarranted, for they appeared just as the sun rose over the horizon, and once again our band of unwanted characters was back together. There was talking, and oddly enough the human wasn’t even mad at us, though I do not see why. The cat folk will be an issue however, she keeps arguing with Arvic, and even called him the “Master of the Mine” I have a feeling I should know what that means, but it escapes me. Ah well we are on our way to the next town and she will be gone soon. Now it is time to sleep, and maybe tomorrow we will see how well this band reacts to a little mischief.

The Santa Cora Mission (part 1)

We arrived at the port of Santa Cora and were welcomed by a swarm of city guards and curious civilians. The guards were surprised to see such a motley group as us come off a ship once belonging to the wretched Lich King. The no-longer prisoners were incredibly happy to land in a city of such benevolence. After I spoke to the guards on behalf of my team about our mission, they lead us to the palace to give us audience with the beloved Priestess. Fortune clearly was smiling on me and my team, for my hair was looking fabulous for the occasion!
Her magnificent Holiness was most helpful in giving us the details of our mission in her wonderful city; rather, UNDERNEATH her wonderful city. Yes, the first rune must be carved deep in the catacombs of Santa Cora. Based on what we know about them, we went ahead and bought some supplies. I bought a brick of soap, as I predict I will be most glad for having it when I finally go down. Besides that, we have food and water rations, and rope.

We are about to enter the catacombs, so I will continue write more later on.

It has been a busy few days since we left Santa Cora on our ship. I played a series of pranks on my team members, stealing their armor and even dyeing the dwarf’s beard pink. It went as well as could be expected I suppose. It all went downhill however when we arrived in New port.

Stone was really nervous, refusing to even leave the ship, which should have been a clue, but I just took it to mean that this was where she was arrested. However we managed to get her to leave the ship and went to look around town for information on our next target. The search was fruitless but the trip was far from boring, we were ambushed by a group who was demanding that we hand over Stone, because she had a price on her head.
Well we managed to win the battle, but not before Stone had taken off using an ox cart. I captured one of the group for questioning, and the Human and dwarf took her to an Inn while I tracked down the drow. I found her, and managed to get her to come with me by hiding her in a cloak.

Once we reached the Inn we found a pleasant surprise, the old Captain of the ship we chartered was in the tavern, and he helpfully informed me that the Drow was wanted for betraying the biggest drug lord in town, way to go Stone, way to go.

I then went up to the room, wondering why the Inn keeper was surprised that I called the female a prisoner, it makes me wonder what the boys said to him. Either way Galad left to get something when I arrived, and we started questioning the female, it was productive, especially after Arvic used his beard.

With the information gained we made a decision to use Stone as bait for information, and who better to send it than a captain turned drug runner down stairs. We chose a location on the edge of town to exchange the facts that yes, we really can deliver the goods and left a note so they knew where to find us. Honestly this is really starting to feel like my day job.
All went well, and another meet up was made, which we went to, swapping stone for the prisoner. It went well enough, though I had a bad feeling about following the damn kobold to the runes. I was right to as we walked right into an ambush. Yep this is my day job again, except I am not getting payed for it, lovely.

We managed to survive and even captured the kobold, which Galad tied to his shield, and went on to the fortress, though we had a bit of trouble getting through the gate, until we promised to keep the one eye away from the city. On the path a messenger, came to us, bearing experimental medication, but the Archemage had forgotten to pay, there will be words for him later.

The compound came into sight, and before we could stop him, Arvic walked right up to the gate, and, I swear on the Prince, managed to con his way into the fort and even make a friend. I have never been more proud. He tried to lure a few of the guards out of the gate, though it did not work without the help of my magic, I wonder when the human is going to figure out the random sounds and smell are me.

Now however we are waiting for night to fall and find a way inside and to the crystal. I wonder what else can go wrong?