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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret: The secrets we keep can be more unsettling than the truths we tell

We learn to keep secrets at an early age. Most people will
get their cues about secrets and honesty from their parents or role models. If a
child has been encouraged to keep secrets, or viewed their parents being
secretive, they are bound to learn sneaky or concealing behaviors and believe
them to be the norm.

Secrets are universal. Keeping secrets is part human nature,
part cultural, and part learned dysfunctional behavior.

PostSecret is an entire website, and many books, that delves
into the phenomenon of secrets and hidden events or thoughts. “PostSecret is an ongoing community art project
where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade
postcard.”

- From the PostSecret Website -

I encourage everyone to take some time and look it over.
Some of it may shock you. It can be an incredibly liberating experience being
able to FINALLY tell a long-held secret. Some of the secrets are very sad.
Others many incite a feeling of rage. Most people will be able to relate to
some of the less dramatic secrets.

We all have had, or still carry, secrets. Some of them are
harmless and banal. Keeping secrets about small things, like how many cookies we
ate, or not wanting to admit when we made a minor mistake at work, are normal
and to be expected. Secrets start to take on a life of their own when they
involved BIG THINGS like our children, our spouse, or employer, our country, or
our character.

Secrets are so universal that you could fill a library with
books and films which bear the theme of secrecy, betrayal, lies, and hidden
events. We often find secrets fascinating, repulsive, exciting, or frightening.
Some people have affairs simply because their lives are boring, and they long
for the "excitement" of secrecy.

Wikipedia says- “Secrecy (also called clandestinity or
furtiveness) is the practice of hiding information from certain individuals or
groups, perhaps while sharing it with other individuals. That which is kept
hidden is known as the secret.

Secrecy is often controversial, depending on the content of
the secret, the group or people keeping the secret, and the motivation for
secrecy. Secrecy by government entities is often decried as excessive or in
promotion of poor operation; excessive revelation of information on individuals
can conflict with virtues of privacy and confidentiality.”

Some of the most terrifying things I’ve ever heard have
started out with these sentences:

“I’ve never told anyone this before…”

“I know you are going to find this hard to believe…”

“I don’t really know where to begin…”

“I hope this won’t change your opinion of me.” or the
similar, “I hope you won’t be shocked by what I am about to tell you.”

I’ve had my share of guts spilled all over me. I've spilled mine over other people. It often isn’t
pretty. Sometimes it can change your life. But sharing secrets is, more times
than not, better in the long run than trying to keep them hidden. I admit to unpleasant,
shameful secrets, which have all come to light or I have finally shared. Many of them, I am not proud of.

Who hasn’t done something in their life they would rather
forget? Who hasn’t been a less than wonderful parent, friend, or spouse? But
keeping poor or dysfunctional behavior a secret means it isn’t being dealt with
or addressed. In order to make a true amends, or correct the behavior which is
being kept secret, the issues and situations must come to light.

Believe this- the negative energy and stress required in
keeping a secret will only increase in time, and it will, for most people, begin
to eat away at their soul. Secrets can be toxic and harmful enough to destroy a
person’s entire life.

Almost everyone has shared, or had someone else share, a
secret they would rather not have known about or wish they could forget. Wouldn’t
life be so much easier and simpler if we didn’t have terrible and shameful
things that we have either had to, or chose to, hide?

Many people believe it is better to keep their secrets. They
convince themselves they are protecting others, or themselves, from pain,
hurt, humiliation, or scandal. And every day you can see examples in the headlines, or on
television, of the terrible outcomes of that theory.

We see examples of the husband, or wife, who is trying to
hide the affair from their spouse- because they don’t “want to hurt them”. The pedophile
hides their evil deeds because they don’t want to face the shame and disgrace which
will befall their family.

The unfortunate part is that it isn’t a factor of IF a
secret will be revealed; it is only a matter of when. And perhaps more
importantly, if a person doesn’t want to hurt their spouse or family, or even
themselves, they shouldn't engage in the secretive behavior in the first place.
That is the surest, more reliable, way to shield and protect those you love
from pain, humiliation, suffering, and consequences.

Secrets rarely stay hidden. It may take months, years, or
even decades- but in my experience, and from historical evidence, secrets
almost always come to light. And one of the most unpleasant, and unfortunate,
aspects of secrets is that the longer it has been concealed, the more distress,
hurt, pain, and shock it will cause once it FINALLY comes to light.

Someone finding out a terrible betrayal or unpleasant event
in real time is certainly upsetting and can cause problems in a marriage, job, or
friendship. Finding out the same information five or ten years later can be
devastating beyond repair.

The reasons for this are fairly obvious. As an example, if I
do something wrong and I come clean and tell the other person about my mistake
immediately, for one thing, it will show that person that although I have
erred, I am sorry and I want to make amends.

If, on the other hand, I do something to break trust or
faith with them and I conceal it, sometimes for years, when they eventually
find out (and the percentages show that they probably will); not only has my mistake or lie been exposed- I have also shown that I had no
remorse for my actions, nor the honor or integrity to admit it. A
lose, lose proposition if there ever was one.

Roy Lichtenstein-CryingGirl

There are many lies people tell themselves when they are
keeping secrets. Often a person tries to convince themself that the other
person, or people, involved are better off not knowing. How many terrible
crimes have been committed because of that self-deceit and cowardly excuse? And
think of the Bernie Madoffs of the world and the John Edwards, and the Marion
Barrys- all prime examples of people
who believed that they could “get away with it” and they were trying to protect
someone with their lies. How convenient is that?

Tragically, children who have been sexually abused believe
they have to keep their abuse secret or terrible, dangerous consequences will
happen.

Having been sexually abused as a child, by a neighbor, I can
relate to that feeling. I kept that secret all to myself for many, many, years.
I felt that something terrible would happen if I told. My seven year old mind
had convinced itself that if I told my parents, something would happen that
would make my life unbearable. I was terrified that my father would kill my
victimizer and would go to jail. I believed that keeping my secret was the only
way to keep the people I loved safe. What an agony my parents went through many
years later when I finally told them the truth. By that time, it was simply too
late to do anything because the sexual predator had moved and no one knew of
his whereabouts.

Keeping any kind of secret can create devastation and ruin. Gay
politicians who fear for their careers and stay in the closet, even marrying a
woman and having children- and all the while having affairs with men, keep
their secret because they have convinced themselves that it is the only way
they can continue with their “dream” of holding public office. That is a giant
cop out and one of the most painful and shameful betrayals a person can lay on
another.

Anyone keeping a financial secret from their spouse will
surely learn that it will only be a matter of time before their world implodes
in ruin. Believing that a spouse is better off not knowing is madness because
both people will eventually have to deal with the fallout.

Parents will often keep the secret of a dead marriage from
their children, wrongly thinking that they are somehow protecting them with the
lie, but when the marriage finally collapses and the kids are shocked to
realize that there were problems all along, the betrayal and hurt can destroy a
family. How do you begin to build trust again after years of secrecy and
lies?It isn’t pleasant or pretty, and
it can take years to heal, if the healing is even possible.

Last but not least, attempting to keep addiction a secret from
family, friends, and employers, is one of the most futile and hopeless cases.
There is no possible way for an alcoholic or drug addict to keep the secret of
their addiction for very long. There are many who will be in denial about a
loved one or employee’s addiction issues, but at some point the secret will be
exposed and the situation will have to be dealt with accordingly.

Some other secrets that people believe they can keep, but
rarely do:

Depression

Physical or mental illness

Gambling or shopping addictions, or secret debts

“Love children” or secret family members

Criminal record

Political scandal

Addiction to pornography

Internet addiction, to include internet “affairs” and inappropriate online relationships

Fraud

Identity theft

Stolen valor

Plagiarism

Internet dating secrets

Misrepresentation of credentials or degrees

False persona

Pyramid schemes or dicey investments

If you search the word, secret, on any of the top internet
search engines, there will be a wealth of information. Secrets are a hot topic
in almost every aspect of life. It is surprising that something so common still
has the potential to be so upsetting.

I have learned the hard way that secrets have the potential
to destroy the best parts of life. Losing integrity and self-respect is one of
the worst aspects of keeping secrets. Secrets can keep people from truly
sharing and connecting. Secrets breed more secrets and they eventually cause a
person to despair.

In my humble and compassionate opinion, a life without
secrets brings peace of mind and serenity rather than the chaos and
hopelessness of attempting to conceal things which may or may not stay
concealed.

If by some chance something does remain a secret, what price does a
person pay when they have to look in the mirror each day and know that they are
not true to themselves or others around them? That price is too steep for most
and the cost may be everything.

Having read and learned about secrets and the many faces and situations they have, I'd like to add something very important.

We can write and heal ourselves, but to have so generously shared all you have processed and learned is admirable. Your tact, sensitivity and vulnerability in sharing your experience with family is very special.

Now to share it so publicly and help others heal.. in this very private, intimate forum, is a precious gift to all who might benefit. Brava, brave woman.

Helena (sorry for double comment space.. I hit a key and deleted my very personal message and had to rewrite here)

I compare secrets to debt (and I guess in a way it's an emotional "debt" in which we put ourselves). It's so exhausting to constantly juggle things and continually live on the edge of disaster. Worse, we never realize the toll it's taking and how weighted down we are until we finally look at it, deal with it and let it go. Then, even though the underlying problems are still there, the sense of freedom from those crushing emotions can be almost euphoric. Very timely post (think Sandusky, wikileaks, and so many other news items) as well as a very brave post, Diana.

Linda and Helena, I am honored and moved by your generous and eloquent comments. I appreciate, and value, your opinions very much. I am humbled to have such thoughtful and intelligent people reading my work. THANK YOU, sincerely, for the remarks, the kindness, and the support.

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