Dear LTT,You know when you receive and unsolicited Breaking Dawn review from a guy in your inbox the day after the movie is released you need to reevaluate your life… that and your friend is a FAN! Ok, ok I kid… You all remember White Yorkie from his famous posts and past podcasts, well no surprise I (totally didn’t) wrangled him into seeing Breaking Dawn with us and then I was totally surprised when this did show up in my inbox….
To: Moon
From: White Yorkie.
Well…. Shit balls, where to begin?Before I delve into anything detailed, I think I’ll just start with some rapid-fire initial thoughts:-The Stephanie at the wedding. Ugh. There’s way too many metaphors and junk to discuss concerning this, but I’m a dude. And lazy.-Ashley Greene. Girl, you know I’ll always love you. You’re a beautiful, beautiful woman. So stop letting whatshisnuts do whoopsidaisy dance moves on you where you reveal your undercarriage to undeserving eyes. It’s just not becoming.

-The scene where BSwan reveals her ingenious plan to name her daughter Renesmee. Edward’s all “bitch, no way” and Jacob’s all “I’d do you right now, bruised preggo belly and all.” Bella, stop being such a puss. Go for it. Call your baby Renesmeward. Done.

My daughter's getting married and I've still got it!

-That stupid sexy catwalk Bella’s mom does when she gets the wedding invite. Stop it. And stop wearing those shorts. And just go away and die or something. You have nothing to contribute to these movies. Team Mustache.

– The end credits. I hate to say this. But they might be my favorite of the year. Way too cool for this movie.

-The wolf barking/talking/chase/fight scene. What. The. Tits? After the dramatic fade to black I wanted to sing. I wanted to recite poetry. I wanted to stand and applaud. I wanted to throat punch the nearest grandma. Anything, something to convey my overwhelming joy that something like that exists in cinema. I was just too slack-jawed at the time to do much of anything.

Show us the carnage!! Not these doofus's

-The birth scene. Anybody who’s talked to me knows this is the reason I was pumped to see this movie. And it was simultaneously completely satisfying and completely disappointing. Hot: all the blood. Nearly dead Bella. The overall tone of the scene. Not hot: Bella’s POV during the pivotal vampire c-section.

-The dream sequence where a bloodied Bella and Edward stand victorious on a mound of the dead. I mean what the whaaaaaaat. Yes please. Why can’t the movies be about stuff like that? Forever confused.

-More Ashley Greene being awesome. Less of her doing flippies and being a damsel in distress during the vampire vs doggies scene.

-The vampire “extra special effects” still look like they were done by a dude fired from a CW show. Somebody pony up some more cash for that shiz. Take a few skrillz from the wig budget heyoooo

-Charlie is totally boning that Native American lady. Secret loooooooovaaaahs

Alright. Time to get serious. As serious as I can get about a movie that I loathe and love all at the same time. That’s right. I said love. I think this is the first Twilight movie I would actually recommend for people to go see. Not because I think it’s some masterpiece. But because it’s a masterpiece. Let me explain.

But first, I need to get a few things off my chest that I hated about this movie and all the movies in the series.

More back breaking less slutty Renee

All of these movies are so odd. I wish there was a better word for it but that’s all I got. They’re so damn odd. Odd in tone, look, structure, overall story, script, everything. They’re such a mish-mash of awkward. Especially this installment. In the same movie, you have a pre-sexy time montage with Bella, a hilarious wedding reception speech by Scott Pilgrim’s sister, vampire bros giggling and secret hand-shaking as they’re about to go on Edward’s bachelor party (why couldn’t that be told in flashback instead of Edward’s secret past as Dexter?), and a scene where BELLA’S BACK FUCKING SNAPS IN HALF BECAUSE OF HER DEMON (but actually really nice) BABY.

There are so many tonal shifts in this movie that it’s hard to take seriously. Not that I could ever take it seriously. Well, maybe. I could if certain things were done. The major one being: start telling a coherent story. With a beginning, middle, and end. One with a driving plot. And yes, I know there’s all these scenes from the book that all you ladyz want to see. I get that. But I still think all that crap could be included and still tell a story that makes sense.

Hey guys we're getting to the major conflict of the story you should really leave cause you're going to be needed

Small example of nonsensical stuff: Bella is pregnant with the spawn of Satan. Awesome. And she needs to drink blood to stay alive. Great. But they’re running out of blood and they need to get her more. Got it. SO WHY DID THE ONE DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE LEAVE TO GET THE BLOOD WHEN HE HAD FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT SAID DAUGHTER OF BELZEBUB WAS ABOUT TO CLIMB OUT OF BELLA’S DYING LADY PARTS?

I know it’s all there for dramatic effect and junk. But come ON. At least give me a good reason. And yeah, it might all be there on the page in the book, but you got to have this reason in the movie.

But story wise… it just takes so long to get going. And once it does, I kinda got bored with all the conflict that wasn’t happening but should’ve been happening. Which I feel is a problem in this movie and the last one. It’s a lot of waiting around for unclear reasons while conflict is about to maybe, possibly happen. Bored.

Follow the jump for much much more from White Yorkie including who Breaking Dawn should really be about (spoiler NOT Edward and Bella) and more calling the Wolves, doggiesContinue…