Tag Archives: Sight Loss

As the mascara glides across the lower previously untouched lashes, the newness feels strange. Is it meant to feel like this? The fresh air that has always brushed alongside the pores on the skin is now being kept away by the foundation that is there to “enhance the look”. Lips that have never been dressed are now showing off the latest in lip fashion that catches the eyes of onlookers. Transforming from a make-up free face that has been this way for over four decades, to a face that looks like it belongs to someone else brings about a cocktail of emotions that is strange to say the least.

Mud pies, Halloween face paint, camouflage and masks have all felt temporarily at home on a face that is comfortable in its own skin. Make-up however does not. When you have never seen a face in real life, you cannot tell what natural beauty is, and what is “enhanced to bring out your natural features” by using make-up. The blurry faces that I have never been able to see clearly I am sure look best as naked as the were born to look, but many would not agree. I hear make-up gives people confidence to feel like they can face the world and show their beauty off which must be lovely for them, but I don’t think I will ever feel this way.

Being blind does not stop you wearing make-up and there are many talented people with sight loss that are so beautifully creative with their make-up. I don’t think however I will ever be one of them. Being asked to wear make-up for a media photoshoot took me totally out of my comfort zone and let me dip my toe into a world that masses live in daily, where hours are spent applying all types of enhancers to their already perfect face. My inner rebel really wanted to protest but I did it and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. It helped that the make-up and hair artist was such a beautiful and interesting person that I could have listened to all day and I learnt so much from the wisdom that she spoke of.

Leaving the make- up on for a couple of hours after the make – up artist and photographer left was a lesson I was trying to learn on patience as I stayed with the uncomfortable feeling of the intruder on my face. My family loved the “new me” and my adorable granddaughter said a few times how beautiful I looked but deep down I felt the opposite. Whereas many people love to look glamourous after magic is worked by such talented make-up artists, I never really hear about the other lot of people who feel the exact opposite. Social media is not full of these people who love the more natural look that I can relate so well with.

The beauty in this world is that we are all different and nobody is right or wrong, they are just themselves. Make-up may not be my thing, but I get how it can make people feel more beautiful to the outside world and we are both right. As I touch my make-up free face, I feel blessed that my sight loss allows me to see the insight into every person’s beauty that lays beyond what the eyes can see. To me, you are pure beauty regardless if you have a muddy face, exquisite make-up on or are as natural as the day you were born. Keep shining your beauty in your own unique way.

Have you ever seen something that was not there? A shadow in the corner of your eye, an outline of a face in a piece of toast or a word on a page that only existed in your mind? Me too. It happens quite a bit with sight loss, like missing objects and only seeing space or vice versa when you see objects instead of space. Well, your mind convinces you that you are seeing something that is not there. With sight loss a lot of the time you see things with a combination of your brain working out what it could be through method of deduction and pure and utter guess work.

Occasionally, this combination can get you into trouble in which I am an expert in. Take the following incident for example.

I was out one night with some university friends (pre-Munch days). After falling off stage in epic style (joys of a black stage raised on a black floor and very little vison), we checked for btoken bones then chatted away and tried to find a seat. There were none available, so we loitered with intent near some tables and chairs that were apparently there (I could not see) and waited for people to leave. As I finished my drink I wondered where I may put my empty glass. My friend told me where to find an empty table so off I went in what I thought was the right direction. All I could see what a pair of white legs flopped either side of a table (at least, that’s what my mind told me). This same conniving brain told me that the positioning of the flopped legs either side meant that there was a table in between these legs, and that this was the table that my friend had described. As I lowered my glass onto this imagined table, I saw the white lines growing closer together until they became a unified white line. It was only as my glass gently touched down on the crotch of a poor terrified man that I realized that there was no table and he had just been sitting with his legs akimbo. The panicky apology that I shouted at him over the blaring music felt a little too late. I really hoped that the CCTV cameras were not working that night.

For me, these incidents are more the norm than a rarity. I still think back to such incidents with a bowed head and chuckling heart to all the mistakes I have made in life. Being led astray by lack of vision and a comedic brain never lets life get boring or stale. Being a little daft is just part of my genetic make up and anything normal just wouldn’t be me. Blundering through life always keeps things lively and guessing if someone has a table between their legs on a night out will never get boring.

The above excerpt was taken from my upcoming book What You See When You Can’t See. If you want to read more cringe worthy tales, the book is full of them, so you won’t be disappointed.

With heads tilted up towards the sun, they feel the energy that lovingly gives to the living. They follow their magnetic footsteps that draws them to their destination that they know off by heart. Feeling each step-in turn, they collaborate with their memory to ensure that they are on the right path. The wrong turns that they make will be the centre of the new knowledge that will lead them into new territory.

Each heart-beat lures them to the place that they need to go to find their true-life purpose and allow the dramas to magically disintegrate around them. As the energy that they carry through life merges with the energies of loved ones and strangers around them, they see deep into the souls of each one they meet. The flickering of the internal compasses is the judge of who will stay or go in their life.

Intuition is omnipresent as all decisions are made by the expert of the gut. Whilst the untrained go through life ignoring what their body is telling them, the intuitive know that they must listen to the source that has never let them down before. Knowing what keeps them safe and puts them in danger comes from the internal voice that is always on their side and helps them manifest all the good that is available to all if only they took time to look.

Having spent so long detached from the intoxication of visual pleasure all around, they begin to see the world in a different way. Connecting to something that is much deeper than the vibrating atoms that are around them each day, they learn to see things that others simply see past. Life does not start and stop in their field of vision but expands across the whole of humanity where the true meaning of life can be found.

The unified existence of all living things becomes the driving force in life. The basics of life never change over time and is witnessed in the most complex of situations. The predictability of life is the base of decisions that seem impossible to make but are made all the same. Seeing past the problems that are placed in our way can only lead us to discovering the options of solutions that are waiting for us to discover them.

Choosing to see with more than your eyes, expands your world in unbelievable ways. Using your eyes to live your life in equally ways of using your senses, heart and intuition allows you to see with clarity in the unseen world. True blindness does not come from lack of physical sight, but from the lack of insight that you choose to see. Chose to investigate parts of life that you never knew existed and begin to discover what life is about.

Sight see from the inside to wholly experience the new world around you.

My life before Munch was a little….different. Walking around with sight loss made it feel like I was an undercover alien in a world full of normality. The superhuman sighted could do things that I could only dream of. Like tell the difference between a person and a bin. I know, amazing right?

One day, in the land of triple vision hazy fog (my equivalent of 20/20 vision), I found myself standing in a rainy pre-historic, dimly lit train station in the Welsh town that I lived in. With only five trains passing through each day (public transport haven I know), I knew that there was no chance of me getting on the wrong train as the next one was two and a half hours away. I was busy attempting to dodge the icy rain drops that was cleansing the shelter free station when a faint pair of footsteps approached. Minutes later, a deep heavy voice paired up with the boot sounding feet and grunted out a groggy hello.
A fellow passenger awaiting to board the train was a rarity on such early mornings in this sleepy town. Chirping a hello back in the direction that I thought he was in; I went straight into my acting mode. Rummaging in my bag for my phone to attempt to check the blurry time, the echoing voice progressed from grunting to audible two words sentences in a nanosecond. I answered politely to each thing he said although I still could not see him.

I was well into my slow-motion owl impression, turning my head in all angles in a scanning mode, when I thought I spotted where he was standing. About six feet away from me I saw something which resembled a person so decided to direct most of the rest of the conversation in that direction. The darkness of the early morning seemed to embrace the blurry figure lovingly as the figure and background merged into one. At least I was now looking at the person, or so I thought.

Over the next ten minutes before the train came, we talked about the weather, lack of public transport to take us into civilisation, how chocolate Wagon Wheels have got smaller over the years and migrating birds. The usual morning chit chat on a cold winter morning. Feeling proud that I was looking in the right direction of the man although I could not see him, I heard the distant approach of the train. I was so thankful of my hearing, Until I heard the footsteps of the man walk slowly in front of me to walk up the platform for the approaching train.

It was at that moment that I realized that I had all along been facing and chatting to the bin on a post all along. I should have remembered that bin as I had walked into it a couple of times in past. As there was such an echo in the train station, it was difficult to pin-point where exactly the centre of the echo was to try and figure out the exact location of the man. Trying to fit into a world with people with superhuman powers of sight, seemed impossible as I blundered through life. Keeping sight loss hidden from others I had down to a fine art, except for in situations such as this.

Talking to rubbish bins instead of people, walking into benches that blend in with the colour of the floor, sitting on coffee tables instead of the same height chairs in waiting rooms are all perils of living in the sighted world with sight loss. Noticing a guide dog or white cane with a person makes more sense for such odd behaviours and a little more understanding happens. I am blessed that the universe gave me such a “in your face” guide dog that screams sight loss and for that I will be eternally grateful. At least now if I talk to a bin, people will know there is a reason in my madness.

With the upside-down camera like information seeker ready to transform the surroundings into evidence, it begins its job. From the moment that they wake, the sighted are bombarded with millions of pieces of information that their brain will interpret to tell them about the world that they live in. From written information plastered on walls around them to watching facial expressions change in a blink of the eye, the eyes are on constant lighthouse duty. The masses of atoms in front of the eye will get matched by the brain to fit into the awaiting box of named items that will help the observer make sense of the world that they live in.

With the ability of the naked eye to see the light of a candle 14 miles away in the right lighting conditions, these superhumans know things that millions will never know. With half of the human brain being dedicated to vision and seeing, the sighted can be fountains of knowledge to learn from. As the eye is the fastest muscle in the body and does not take anytime to warm up as it is ever ready, when it is working properly, it can function at 100% at any given time without needing to warm up.

The eyes can be full of finds but they can also be full of loss.

What about the 39 million people around the world that are blind or the 240 million or so people globally that have a visual impairment?

What are they able to find in their lack of physical vision?
It can be possible to find more in a world full of visual distortions that many sighted may believe. The information that the brain receives and makes up ideas about the world is not made up of the cluster of atoms that lays before a person alone but collects information from alternative senses. Focusing on the touch, smell, sound and taste of the world around them, allows a different dimension of experiencing the world so nothing is ever lost. With intuition being a guiding light for finding your own place in the world, living on the path of truth is always possible. When a voice from years ago triggers your memory to awaken and remembers every detail about the person that you can no longer see but hear in front of you, you enter the time machine of happiness.

Sensing a quiver in a voice as soon as it appears, you connect with that emotion in an instant and do whatever needs to be done. The beauty of neuro plasticity means that working memory can increase with sight loss which overcompensates for the smaller visual region in the brain. Listening to auditory echoes and changes in temperature’s in closed off and open spaces allows the person with sight loss to be able to keep safe and accident free. The insight gains that can come from sight loss will never make up for fully functioning vision, but they allow a person to view the world in a whole new light.

The sighted and sight loss world are separated by the bridge of vision. Whichever side of the bridge of sight you live on, there will be many loses and gains. It is up to you, which way you want to interpret the world so chose carefully and live the best life that you can as your world is as perfect as you make it.

It must have looked weird. A blind woman being led by her guide dog walking around the books shop, but it just had to be done.

As the guide dog whipped past the cookery books, travelled through the sci-fi section and ended up in the land of the fun-filled children’s books, the owner rewarded him with a treat. He had guided her to the place that she missed the most. From Willy Wonka to The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, books had always been fun companions during her childhood and had always left her wanting more. Along with millions of other children, she loved to escape into books of all types and feel like it was just the author and the reader that were in this alternative reality. Life lessons that trickled from the pages of each book, cleansed her mind from the negatives in the world and broadened her consciousness to what humanity was really about.

Even back then she could not really see the words clearly. There had always been a hazy double vision around words, but she had developed her own fun way of dealing with it. She learnt to read by a method of deduction. A five-lettered word that had a hazy straight line and a fuzzy small hump attached lower down was obviously a h and a slanted blur that extended lower than the other letters was obviously a y. With 2 similar looking 3rd and 4th letters that were seen in double vision, the letter could be nothing else but ‘happy’. As the years passed, she began to rely less on her eyes to see and more on her brain to decide what these words were in front of her. She read at a rapid pace and could not get enough of the author’s voice that came alive in the treasured books.

Time passed and reading books got more and more difficult. Even the ‘sniff it to see’ rule that she had always lived by, where she held the book close to her nose, no longer worker so a plan B was needed. Magnifier’s and other aids from the low vision clinic could no longer help but technology came to the rescue. Audiobooks, e-books with narration and screen readers on laptops all made it possible to remain an avid book worm. Even dabbling in a bit in braille meant that there were no barriers to becoming one with an author again. Reading to another however, was something that she really did miss. Reading large print books with her children as they grew, allowed her to ‘sniff to see; and memorise the books after reading them a couple of times. She now wanted to do this with her sweet 3-year-old granddaughter and thanks to modern day Apps on her phone, she was able to know what the books said and memorize them to read back to her beautiful little angel. Life was blissful again.

Standing in the colourful corner of the book shop where dinosaurs popped out of books and glitter from the exquisite cover left magic on the fingers and heart of the reader, she stood happy in the blur of fuzzy colour that awaited her. Pulling out her phone to use technology to be able to identify what she was looking at, she choose a new book for her granddaughter. Her guide dog patiently waited and sniffed some adventures out to help the best he could. In six months-time, their book would be in a similar joy filled labyrinth of a bookshop which was such a strange but warm feeling. People would soon know how special Munch the guide dog really was and discover what he was really like. The mischief makers secrets would be out and hopefully spread a little happiness to the reader. Stories are always the most powerful when shared.

Here’s to wishing that stories will continue to be spread in a variety of different ways that allows accessibility to all. Thank you to each author that changes the lives of people that they may never meet in person but will always be connected through meetings of the souls.

How many times can she get it wrong?
Today has been so frustrating. I have been sitting here like the perfect Labradoodle that I am and there she is being the typical scatty maid as she is. Humans are the weirdest creatures ever. We have been here for nearly two hours to record a video of us which will last less than a minute. We would have finished much sooner if my daft maid could string a sentence together without saying “Um” and “no, start again” over and over whilst speaking English, Welsh and Martian all in the same sentence. Why couldn’t the Guide Dogs have matched me with someone more efficient?
Luckily it was my favourite dog walking footman that was with us as he encouraged us to have lots of breaks in filming and led us all to a huge field so that I could have a well-deserved run. Meeting other dogs here meant I could remove my regal robes (or harness as some people not in the know call them) and exercise my gracious body. I even led other dogs to believe that I was an equal as we played together and not the King that I secretly am. Such fun.
Unfortunately, after I had had my well-deserved break, we were back to getting yet another video completed where apparently the maid had gathered her thoughts and was now able to string a sentence together to record the short promotional video for the Writers Workshop for the publisher that we needed to film. I am seriously considering getting another writer for my next book to ensure that not only does everyone know what an amazing guide dog and everyday Idol that I am, but also to let the world know how frustrating it can be when you really can’t get the staff to do what you want.
Working with humans has taught me many things which are.
– They are so fussy about things that they really do not need to be fussy about.
– They need to sniff often, play more and love everything.
– They over complicate the simplest of tasks. Either do or don’t. That’s it.
– They need to run like no one is watching and chase their non-existent tail just to know what it is like to be in the moment more.
– They need to realize that a picture of you from any angle is a good angle because you are perfect just as you are.
We finally got to finish the video when the maid’s mouth became friends with her brain again and I was free to sashay away with grace. Humans can be so hard to control.

The scariest time in my life was when I could see. Well, I say see but maybe I mean see more. OK, so maybe the right term is that I could see something in a little bit of focus. Thinking about it, focus is such a strong word to use here. Sorry am I confusing you? Let me start at the beginning.

There I was sitting in the ophthalmologist’s office nine months after having a cataract operation that did more harm than good but c’est la vie. “The thing is, although it is quite fun walking around like I am looking through a distorted version of Funhouse mirrors, I cannot carry on like this. The lack of depth perception is causing me more injuries than before and looking at out of proportion objects is pretty scary if I am honest” I joked with the blurry stretched man in front of me. He abruptly
answered “we need to give it more time”. “Nine months is enough time, I want it removed” I answered matching his tone.
This stubborn standoff had been going on since I had my cataract operation 9 months earlier and it was long overdue to be resolved. Since this alien object had been placed in my eye, nothing but tantrums and melt-downs had happened in the ocular area with post-operative inflammation and Edema on the retina being the main instigators of the uprising in my eye. I was now requesting an eviction notice to these angry duo as I could no longer deal with their nonsense. So here I was pleading with this nine-foot-tall, egg timer shaped blur in front of me in the hospital room who sat on the rugby ball shaped fuzzy chair. Daily entry into the Funhouse of mirrors really needed to be a thing of the past.

My mule like pig-headedness paid off and I was back in the operating theatre removing the mischievous lens that they had implanted, and I was left lens free and back to being able to live my normal double vision, fuzzy life that I always felt safe in. It seemed that everyone around me felt sorry for me that I was becoming “broken” again after the operation was not able to help me, but I felt a different way about it. I had never felt broken before due to my sight loss, it was just normal. Medical staff and everyone around me seemed to be tempting me into the world of the sighted to “fix” the way that I had been since birth.

When I entered the semi sighted world for that brief amount of time however, life was far from rosy.
I went from seeing birds as gargantuan shape shifters instead of mythical creature that I had never seen, to not being able to reach out to an object in front of me due to the immense difference in depth perceptions in both eyes. Vague faces became things that I could kind of make out but didn’t always match my version of them that I had been carrying around in my head for years. I noticed myself judging things in other people that I had no right to judge, as I began using my eyes alone to absorb my environment and ignored my other senses. I knew that this was not the world that the fully sighted saw as everything was out of proportion and seemed to be the wobbly bridge between the sighted and sight loss world. I was so relieved when I got off this wobbly bridge and returned to the sight loss world with less sight but more confidence.

Seeing the beauty in life cannot be seen through the eyes alone but they can be a magical tool in appreciating the world around us. My time in the Funhouse of mirrors taught me many things and I am glad I had a chance to play around in it for a while. There is always a light-hearted view available in uncertain times of transition if you search hard enough.

Inhaling the heat on the skin and the unwanted scent of illness in the small body, you can use more than eyes to observe illness in a child. The activated response to a smell of a dry nappy becoming wet, alerts you to the need for a swift change. Opening the door to smell if there is petrichor in the air before it starts to rain, lets you know if the children will need coats to keep them dry. When a sudden whiff of Sudocrem joins you in the kitchen, you know you need to follow the trail to confiscate the pot and start the clean up operation on everywhere that you cherub has covered with this villain.

When silence falls in a chatty house, you need to peek to see who’s turn it is being the ringleader in the mischief being caused. When your child’s jangling zip on their boot gets further away from you in the playground, you need to follow the sound to keep them safely in ear shot. When you hear your child’s favourite toy fall, you pinpoint the exact location to reach your hand out to reunite it with its joyful owner. When you hear the whizz of the bike wheels coming towards you, you remind your child that you must always be aware of all oncoming dangers and wait to cross safely. As you hear the squeal of joy escape from their perfectly formed lips, you join their celebration despite not being able to see what is exciting them.

Remembering the different feel of each of their coats, you help put them on the right child for them to go and warmly explore the great outdoors. Differentiating between the pristine feeling lunchbox of one and the scuffed one of the other, you pack their lunchboxes with their personal choices. Touching the top of your child’s head and feeling their unique hair type, you can tell the difference between your children of similar height. Cutting toe nails by touch, you learn to trust your judgement to do what others do by sight. Picking up toys with fingers on high alert, allows you to keep their favourite games together for the next time they want to play.

Knowing that they are going to fall before they do, allows you to be there to catch them. Tuning into the energy of their friends to know which will always make them happy, you are alert to those who will upset them and prepare youself to be there for them when they do. Knowing that you will not make the meeting as you need to be prepared, you are able to act calmly when the phone call from school comes when they have had an injury. Being assertive enough to tell doctors that they are wrong about it being a stomach bug and telling them it is actual a ruptured appendix, you don’t get shocked when they rush your child to theatre as you are just glad they caught it in time.

Memories of raising four beautiful children under the age of six, fills me with love and joy. These wildly different souls who are now adorable young adults, mesmerised me with their abilities as they grew. I may not have been able to see their expression filled faces or the true sweet mischief that they caused but I always saw their unique selves. Eyes only allow us to see what we want to see but other senses allow us to know on a deeper level. Maybe if I was gifted with sight from birth, I may not have known my children as I know them today. As my little cluster of beautiful being’s glide through life in whichever direction they want to take, I hope I can still learn from them each and everyday and see them exactly as they are.

Here we are, 1 year on, 104 posts published and 1,148 followers on WordPress later. Befuddled is an understatement of how I feel when I think how this happened.

Like most starting out in the world of blogging I had no idea how it worked or how it would turn out but I have always loved a good challenge. I did wonder if writing about sight loss and life with a mischievous, attention seeking guide dog would provide enough prompts to keep the blog alive but I didn’t need to worry after all.

From the start, I have loved reading other bloggers posts and it still blows my mind how each blogger makes such an impact on my life and the lives of many others. Hearing everyday stories from bloggers around the world is far more informative than any news programme can ever tell me about the world. These talented bloggers speak about the true world that many know little about.

The name of this blog came about from living life in the sight loss world, that many in my life knew nothing or very little about. Over the year I have shared stories about little Minster Munch’s adventures and had beautiful comments left on the blog about his typical dog like behaviour that brings a smile to many a dog lovers face. Hearing the amusing stories of other dogs on writers blogs has left me feeling better about the perplexing and comical world of canine behaviour.

The support among bloggers by encouraging each other’s writing is an environment that has to be witnessed to be believed. Grammar police and trolls rarely exist but you can find enthuisiast of the written word and personal cheerleaders in abundance. These are the type of people you could spend all day chatting with and never run out of words.

Thank you so much to those who have continued to read my waffling words and been nothing but kind. Writing two blog posts a week keeps the spirit of writing alive. Never having suffered from writers block only writers diarrhoea, you are very patient people who deserve medals for your patience. Knowing that you want to read about a matching pair of odd socks in the world warms our hearts.

Thank you so much for the dedication you put into your own fascinating blogs. Google would be under threat if you all clubbed together to enlighten the world with your own areas of expertise. Each individual blog can read like a classic book that mesmirises the masses yet is a discovery waiting to be unearthed by that one important person who will make it famous.

With greatest of thanks for following our first year and we hope to share many more years with you. Much love from Munch and his maid.