Friday, February 08, 2008

One of the things that gets to me is when a person lies to me. Naturally, I get angrier when the person lies to me again.

When I do get angry, I tend to lose control of my usual happy self.

I say some cruel or hurtful things that may leave the person - who lied to me - as annoyed with me, if not more. I may even call the person names. But I do all these just to vent my frustration, without intending to be malicious.

Very often, two or three days after what happens, I regret my actions and I feel I should have been more forgiving. I then take steps to make amends.

After all, the late Mother Teresa once said, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive."

In the past week, I got angry with at least two persons - a friend and a sibling.

My sibling understood my reaction. We have since learnt from the incident, forgiven each other and decided on a way forward, in terms of where our relationship as siblings should go.

I think we were also quick to forgive each other because we have a history of appreciating how we react to such situations.

On the other hand, my friend was not as used to my reaction. My friend now refuses to communicate with me. My friend also said I will not be forgiven for what I said.

Over the last few days, I have been reflecting about this reaction.

Is this my friend's way of getting back at me, that is avenging my cruelty? Can my friend not be as forgiving as me? Is my friend really my friend?

I realised earlier today that my friend may be practising a different kind of forgiveness.

As Dr Frederic Luskin, Senior Fellow at the Stanford Center on Conflict and Negotiation, shares, "Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace... Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power."

Perhaps, I have been forgiven but in a different way; my friend just needs to get away and sort things out at a personal level.

Thus, when we offend people, we should give them the time and space to heal. Some people are more sensitive and take longer to heal.

We should also learn from such events and not offend others again.

The key thing is to be positive in living the present and also in looking forward to the future.

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This blog is personal.
Nothing in this blog is meant to substitute professional legal, financial or other advice. Please seek such advice independently! Dharmendra Yadav is presently a corporate counsel in a financial institution. Contact him by e-mail dpyadav {[at]} yahoo.com