About Me

I am a 33 year old graphic artist/part-time stay at home mom. I have a 4 year old son Bobby---my best bud and my sunshine. My beautiful daughter Hannah---who flys above in Heaven. And my beautiful Rainbow who lights up my life---Eliana Grace born December 2010. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have been through more than your average couple, but always try to remain strong for each other. I am extremely blessed.

Mommy of an Angel

No one ever thinks of pregnancy as tragic.....I know I never did. From the moment I found out we were pregnant with our second child, I was filled with dreams and hopes for her. Sadly I lost Hannah in my second trimester.

This is her story and my journey through grief.....

Grab My Button!

Beautiful Little Girl

Hannah's Tree

A pink weeping cherry.....

Hannah's Stone

The Children's Memorial Garden

Hannah's Quilt Square

Memorial Quilt Square at a local hospital

Hannah's Name in the Sand

Thank You Carly!

Hannah's Flower in Rory's Garden

Thank You Sarah & Richard!

Hannah's Angel Wings

Thank you Lea!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

As many of you may know, Kristie and I have begun the wonderful venture together of Anchored by Hope. This is an Online Bible Study and Christian support ministry for those suffering from pregnancy and infant loss. We have also started a networking blog to connect us mommies with babies in Heaven called Butterfly Mommies. Well, we need some support!

The Anchored by Hope blog is currently hosting a giveaway as is the Butterfly Mommies blog. Please go check them out and if you feel so inclined, please follow them! Thank you so much for all of your support as we begin down this new path!

Monday, February 22, 2010

I am having a hard time. I imagine all that I am missing in that alter world that never played out. The one that took an abrupt turn in the opposite direction on September 21, 2009. The one that left me so empty. Sad. Desparate. Alone.

Looking to God for guidance has been the only thing getting me through. His grace has been the only thing getting me through. His mercy has been the only thing getting me through. You know, where He stops that boulder from completely rolling over you. You just sit staring at it everyday instead. Wondering when it will resume its motion and completely crush you.

Happy 5 Months in Heaven, sweet Hannah. You are the most beautiful little girl I know. God surely gave you a heart of gold as I watch the lives you are touching. I am so proud of you. I am so thankful to be your mom. I love you and miss you so very, very much.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I waited until the end of this long day to post a sort-of photo collage of the things we did today, my husband, little Bobby and I. Most of all I just missed her. I missed Hannah so much and felt that empty ache without her. I felt that absolute no as to having her in my arms. It is real. It is not a dream. It will never change as long as there is breath in me.....we will be apart. So I spent today with the family I do have here on earth and remembered and loved and missed that sweet little girl I have in Heaven.

My friend Renata gave me a gift on Saturday. She is away on vacation, but I told her I was going to wait until today to open it. It made my heart feel good and my eyes well up with tears to read my daughter's name and to read what she had written to me. It feels so good when someone else remembers the one that never leaves your mind. Thank you, Renata. It is a beautiful bracelet with pink stone hearts and Hannah's name on the silver heart near the clasp.

Then a knock at the door.......

All white flowers surrounding a single, beautiful pink rose. Thank you, Mom. I don't know what I would do without you and the love you show for my daughter. The wonderful ways you remember her and remind me that you do. I love you. She also wrote me a beautiful poem in an email about Hannah. Now I have never read or heard of my mother writing poetry. It was beautiful, about a beautiful rose in Heaven in a field of wildflowers. (Maybe if she lets me I'll share it.)

Oh, and Bobby picked a flower out of the bunch to bring to his little sister's stone.....

We then went down to visit Hannah's stone in the Children's Memorial Garden. This would be my husband's first time there and I was excited for him to see it. As I was about to turn onto the entrance road the thought occurred to me that maybe they hadn't shoveled the path. What if it was covered in snow? And it was. I marked the spot where I thought her stone might be and my husband started removing the snow. It was the exact spot where her stone was. How amazing. We left her flower there for her and told her how much we love and miss her.

The rest of the day we spent together. We went to McDonald's for lunch and then to the Aquarium in Camden. It was really nice. Bobby got a penguin stuffed animal in the gift shop and we bought Hannah a keychain with her name on it. After that we went to Olive Garden for dinner and then to the mall where we bought a special new candleholder and angel for Hannah. The angel is called "Loving Angel" and the candleholder is called "Love Notes; the Spirit of Love." She is love and she is loved.

You can't see the angel or candleholder too well in this picture but I just wanted to show the beautiful candles that sit atop my mantle burning for her tonight. The one on the left I have burned every night since the day i lost her.

I searched the sky all day. I hoped and prayed for some comfort, to just see some sign of her love and happiness. I have faith so I already KNOW these things, but I am human and today much weaker than usual. I saw this heart in the clouds today.

I know it was from her.

I would also like to thank a few other very special people for making this day and this week...and this journey, for that matter, a little easier.

Tina at Living without Sophia and Ellie made me this beautiful necklace. I'll quote her note so you see the thought and love she put into it, "It is a bit of a collage...I included a disc with Hannah's name and birthstone, an enamel ladybug, a pendant for Bobby, a heart with "HOPE" for the work you do with Anchored by Hope and Delivering Hope, and a pair of angel wings for the babies you miscarried." I cried when I saw it. Thank you, Tina, so much.

I also received a package from my aunt in Texas. It contained some yarn donated from another mom missing her baby, some Valentines and presents for Bobby, a card for Hannah and I...and just I, a prayer journal (love it) and an angel, specifically an angel entitled "Spirit of Giving; Generosity is your shining gift." I LOVE that she thinks of Hannah this way and hope other people do, too. Thank you, Crystal. It means so much to me.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Wouldn't it be nice if people could overcome their own uncomfortableness and just tell you they love you? They are thinking of you. The know, but at the same time can't possibly understand, how hard this is for you. I'm sure they hear your heart breaking. I'm sure they hear as it slowly cracks into pieces. I'm sure they see it in your eyes; hear it in your voice. But they don't.

Most of the time I believe people want you to feel better just so they don't have to be uncomfortable anymore. It's almost selfish of them.

She is always going to be my daughter. I am always going to want her. I am always going to love her and miss her. That is not going to change.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I'm one week away from the day my baby girl was due. It seems so long ago when I was welcoming this day, anticipating this day, instead of dreading it. My heart gets heavier each day as it approaches. I know it's okay. I know I'll be okay. I would just like to be past it already.

Hannah left over 4 months ago. She hasn't been here. She left that body and went home. She left me. She left a hole. A giant, gaping hole in my heart; in my family. Most of the time I run around the edge of it. Scared I'll fall in, I keep on moving, running, filling every free moment until there is almost no time left to even think. But I still do.

I wonder who she would have looked more like as she grew. I wonder what her personality would be like. I wonder if she'd be a "Daddy's Girl". I already know she is special. That is one thing I will never have to wonder. And I know I will see her again and then I won't have to wonder anymore. Someday. Someday after I live this life without her.

She is still my little girl. How I wish I could hold her. How I wish.....

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Lea over at Nicholas' Touch! My son picked a number out of a bowl and that is how we officially decided! What a wonderful coincidence that ladybugs are her reminder, too! I'll be working on this special surprise right away! Secretly I am hoping that it will arrive on February 18 (Hannah's Due Date) but I'm no postal worker.....

I would also like to thank a few special women that have touched me with their kindness.

Bree over at My Baby Butterfly Ella made these beautiful butterflies for Hannah and my sweet Rainbow baby. Thank you so much, Bree!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Wow. Post #50. I've decided to give something away. It seems appropriate, too, with my due date being next week. So leave me a comment! Let me know what animal, insect, shape.....whatever, reminds you most of your sweet baby. Ladybugs remind me of Hannah. I'll share a story I wrote with you.....

Once there was a little ladybug. A beautiful little ladybug who lived in the silver lining of the clouds in Heaven. The little ladybug living above watched all of the people here below and wondered what it would be like to live amongst them on the Earth.

She asked our dear Father in Heaven to allow her to fly down for a closer look. But more than a closer look, He gave her a monumental task below. He breathed His loving breath on her and down she flew. She flew into a womb that began to swell with love and expectation immediately. And she grew.

She grew and she grew. Hearing sweet words spoken to her daily. Lullabies sung. Sweet caresses felt. A mother's joy. A father's pride. Big brother's laughter. She thrived as she danced and swam in the temporary home the Lord had given her.

The Lord had other plans, though. He had plans much different than those of the little ladybug; than those of her mommy.

A sickness crept into her once joyous womb. A sickness. She heard crying. She heard wailing. She felt the desperation of her mother's love. She was pushed into a world she was not yet ready for.

Peacefully she flew again to her home in the clouds. Different now, whole now and perfect. No longer a little ladybug.

She watched her mommy. Mourning, weeping, living each day in quiet desperation. She watched her in her anger and her grief. She watched her as she struggled. She watched her as she cried.

She asked God why He had let her go. Why did He take her away so soon?

Mommy asked all the same questions.

In her most desperate moments, the Lord allowed the little ladybug to visit her mommy. She took a ride on a balloon sent to Heaven. She landed on Mommy's shoulder and blew her a kiss with her graceful wings as she ascended once more.

She still watches her mommy today.

She watches Mommy honor her and love her. She watches Mommy miss her and remember her each day. On the very hard days, she blows Mommy down a kiss. A sweet reminder of her everlasting presence.

She is not gone.

And she begins to see.

I am starting to understand, together they say. I am starting to understand, Dear Lord, why you have taken us away from each other.

You have brought us closer to You.

Everyday I watch Mommy pray. I watch Mommy work. I watch Mommy try to touch the lives of other people.

The little ladybug realizes the many gifts she has given to her mommy. She knows the work of the Lord is perfect. She sees as He sees now and fully understands.

She can't wait to see Mommy in heaven and tell her all these secrets. To whisper these mysteries into her empty spaces. To fill her up with reunion and love.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I was thinking the other day as I was printing and cutting and folding and stapling. I was thinking of when I was pregnant with Hannah and all of the activities that had then filled my days. Bobby and I would do the usual morning routine, errands, snacktime, lunch and down for a nap. Once a week Gymboree. The afternoon was spent playing together and cooking dinner. Sometimes doing laundry or sweeping or dusting. His naptime had become my naptime. Life was monotonous. Life was good. I love routines and habits and plans.

Then I began to think about life now. How little has changed. How much has changed. Besides the internal changes in me, my outlook, my faith, my love and compassion, our morning and afternoon routines are exactly the same.

It's naptime that's different.

I spend those two and a half hours everyday with my daughter.

I make things for her memory boxes. I work on the Anchored by Hope website. I frantically e-mail Kristie lists and questions. I receive frantic e-mails in return. I craft and create. I meditate. I worship. I love.

I am full.

She has filled me up with such wonderful blessings. She has given me a purpose. She has essentially "woken me up" from naptime.

(I know you all have been praying for me as well. I have felt it. I posted about our Doctor visit for those who would like to read it.)

And speaking of naptime, look at the beautiful pillow and blanket Kristie made for Hannah.....

She also made me 10 beautiful blankets to include with Hannah's Delivering Hope Memory Boxes. I posted them on my Delivering Hope blog! I really can't thank her enough!