James's Journal

I hallucinated that there was a man at my window. I hate when that happens - last night, I almost slept with the light on because with it off, there were funny shadows on the wall. My window pisses me off, because it's in full view when I sleep backwards in bed, which I've been doing lately. I could pull the blind down but that'd mean that a) the air wouldn't circulate so well and b) I'd worry that there was something at my window I can't see. When it comes down to it, I'm just a little kid who is afraid of the dark :o)

Hmm, Ebs just came to my door to return my small flat-head screwdriver. Which he has broken. He was trying to take his PC apart, and for some reason, the screwdriver kinda got all bent out of shape - that's one tough PC he's got there... Oh well, he's all apologetic and wants to buy me a new one, and I had to point out that not only is my screwdriver really cheap, but it's also hardly ever used by me. Heh... :o)

I want to be artistic again. I remember that I used to be, once. I can remember times when I've taken photographs for reasons other than just to have photos - I took them because I wanted to capture something beautiful. And that's all being artistic really is - the desire to capture beauty, and maybe take a bit of it away with you. I'm wondering which avenue to explore - photos or drawings. One of them requires a talent for creating beauty, the other a talent for spotting it. Then again, drawing is a lot cheaper. But I want a camera, I want to go out and find nice things and take photos, for want of a better explanation. Blah...

I dunno if I want to go down to the caravan this break - for the same reason as before. That place was a very innocent one. I've not been there in years, literally. Since I turned 17, I've spent only one week there, which I believe was the summer half term of '99. Oh, and I spent a night there before going to Durham, but that doesn't count. See, the caravan is where I was a kid, I'd play football with people, laugh, have fun, go surfing, swimming, play cards etc. But that was back in the days when it required no pretension to behave like that, life was innocent then. This was all before I got jiggy with Alex on my 18th, or went to Ireland, or grew up at all. I don't want to take my adult life down there, because it might push my childhood one out, and I don't want that. If I go there, I want it to be for a special one-off thing (such as with you), not for just a standard holiday. Because if it's a one-off, then it fits into a different part of my memories of the place. If it's just a normal holiday, then I take all my problems there with me and don't entirely bring them back with me.

Well, there's that, and there's the fact that if I see Jack Adamson again, regardless of how big he might have grown up to become, I'm gonna kick that boy's ass repeatedly. Spoilt, jumped up little POS... *ahem*... I'm not a violent person really. It's just that anybody who tries to beat up my brother (who is a good many years younger than Jack) is going to come away from it in a lot of pain. And I didn't hurt him badly enough last time that I'm satisfied.

According to Phil (who still reads my journal occasionally, it seems - good one Phil), I seem to have put on weight since leaving home. I'm not sure if that's true, I can think of a good many reasons why I think I've lost a lot of weight (not eating anything ever could be one), but still, he seems to think that I look less skinny in the videos than I once was. Reassuring :o)

And, on the subject of those videos, come on guys, give me a break about the eyebrow thing. I'm just very expressive with my eyebrows when I'm acting, it's what I do. In reality, my eyebrows are not "up and down like a French prostitute's knickers" or anything. Bah, nuts to you all :oP

Anyhow, tomorrow, I'm going home.... I'm looking forward to that a lot - it'll be lovely to see everybody again (including my lovely cat), and to be able to finally relax. Uni is stressing me out a bit, what with relationships between people breaking down, and then the whole thing with people I don't mention, and then a load of other stuff too. Frankly, it's getting to me, and I just want out. And five weeks away from it all sounds good - James agrees. We'll miss people, but damn, we just want to get away. So far, H£&*% has left, as have Annie, Joyce and Lollo. Won't see 'em for ages. *sigh*

Anyway, that'll do for now.... I'll update with more as soon as it comes into my life - I dunno how I write so much, there's nothing going on in my life. I guess I just rely on the stiuff already in my head. Dave asked me how I write so much yesterday, and I honestly don't know. I guess this is like the "Pensieve" from Harry Potter - a place to put thoughts that are cluttering up your head.