Thursday, May 17, 2012

For two summers, back when I was in college, I came back home and worked for the Naptown Parks and Rec Department. Now, before you ask, it is nothing like the show. That was unfortunate. But it was a great job nonetheless. I was not only permitted, but almost encouraged to sleep on the job (which I did expertly—I had spots all over the city that were virtually undetectable where a truck could hide and a driver could sleep). The people that I worked for and with were cool (except one who sucked something fierce—he was our Jerry Grgich). And it seemed like everyone got their shit done in the morning so that the afternoons could be spent fucking around or making up something to do by the city pool as an excuse to eye-fuck the lifeguards. This was also where I honed my hatred for men’s softball.

My basic job outline was to manicure each baseball and softball diamond each day (there was other stuff to do, but this was the big one) with my partner (Boz one year, Ace’s Cousin Joe the other). If I recall correctly, there are ten total diamonds in town. That meant dragging and chalking the fields and maybe moving bases and pitching rubbers around if the fields were multi-purpose. This did not take all day obviously. Once we were done, it was either time for a siesta or being a pervert or digging into the massive piles of nudie mags found over the years (you wouldn’t believe the stacks of porno mags that were found in city parks). For awhile, I think that I had every word of a January 1997 edition of CHEEKS memorized. I only read it for the articles, of course.

It was great. I wish that I could still do it. It was the ultimate fuck-around job for a very immature me. But there were a few times when it sucked. If the bulk of your job is field maintenance, then obviously that bitch cunt Mother Nature can ruin things quickly. There was nothing finer than a full day of rain and obvious rain-outs coming. But when it just poured for an hour in the afternoon, just enough to puddle up, then you knew you were fucked.

The head honcho (and apparent enjoyer of orgies if rumors are true and I really want to believe this one), our Ron Swanson, was a big fan of calling games off at the very last minute. The good news was that that meant overtime. The really fucking awful news was that that meant that we were expected to push water off of the diamonds for the next 2 or 3 hours, ruin our shoes, and enjoy that always awesome northwest Ohio post-rain 8000% humidity. Basically, all the fields had to be done over again but this time we had about 2 hours to do ten of them. It was not easy. Rain is the worst. Are you still with me? I’m getting there. You needed the back story to get to the pay off.

Down in the most wretched area of Nap, a lawless subculture of scum and villainy and domestic violence and Detroit Tigers porch flags known as “Goose Town”, sat the city’s lone two men’s softball diamonds (at Riverdowns Park). We were in charge of these, too. It was always risky working on those fields early as some of the local shoeless little shits would sometimes play on there after our work was done and fuck everything up. The big, bad softball players were known to call in and complain if their fucking foul lines weren’t straight enough (apparently they deserved a MLB grounds crew) so it was important to get it right the first time. “GET OFF THE FIELD, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!” was not an uncommon thing to yell at little kids in Goose Town—the Compton of Naptown.

OK, so the problem here was that our Ron Swanson liked to play softball and he liked it way too much. It didn’t matter if we got three inches of rain at 5 pm, we were expected to have those fields ready by 6 so that he and his asshole swinger buddies could play and, more importantly, WIN GODDAMMIT!!! Since these fields were right off of the muddy Maumee River, they held water for shit. If you even spit on the field, third base would look like a kiddie pool. But we were always told to use as much Diamond Dry and approved overtime as necessary to get those two fields ready. Have you ever pushed water off of an infield before? I can’t really describe how much it sucks except for this: imagine shoveling snow from a driveway that never ends. The puddles just keep coming back and the dirt just turns into mud. There are 4 or 5 of us out there (pretty much the entire department) working our asses off yet there was always a few lovely softball-playing gentleman hanging around and complaining about how the fields weren’t ready. Well, I’m sorry, Guy-Wearing-Baseball-Pants-And-Eye-Black, next time I’ll have the clouds piss on us two hours earlier.

We would eventually get the fields ready for some sort of play although they were way too soft to be on anyway (that did not matter at all to Orgy King). Did anyone on the four teams waiting to play say thanks or good job or show any sort of empathy at all? Fuck no. They still bitched and moaned because now they might not get their second game in before dark that night. And guess who was back at Riverdowns at 7:30 AM the next morning being told to pick up the softball team’s trash from the night before? THIS GUY. I guess that the giant green barrels with TRASH written on them were not obvious enough and that the grass was a much better option for their Old Mil cans and Skoal tins. This happened MULTIPLE times. I realize that that was my job, but still, there was no reason to be a cocksucking asshole about it. And that is why I will never forgive "men's softball player".

Hell, I actually played softball that second summer (in a different town). I showed up to the first game with a sixer only to find out that this was a dry league. Weak. It was nothing special. I didn't hate it. I didn't really like it. It was just something to do. They wanted me to play third base but I had no desire to field rockets for six innings so I volunteered to play right field where I just picked my nose. I haven't played again since that summer with Click Chiropractic (we were terrible, by the way, and I did not care). But anyway, to the conclusion of my softball hate story...

I bet you’re wondering if Groupsex Swanson ever showed any gratitude to us for ignoring the other 8 diamonds in the city that KIDS PLAYED ON to focus on the two that he played on. Nope. Absolutely nothing from the boss man. But I got him back by putting a HUGE dent in his work truck later that summer. It is never a good idea to have me tow around a couple hundred gallon water tank and be expected to reverse with it still attached. Just patch it up with some Diamond Dry, asshole.

So that is the reason why I hate men’s softball. It might not be fair to lump everyone together under one banner of “TOTAL ASSHOLE WHO SHOULD DIE VIA CHOKING ON TEN DICKS” but it’s not fair to call blacks lazy or Mexicans smelly either. Yet here we are and stereotypes make the world go ‘round. They are all a bunch of ingrates who put their own bullshit ahead of hundreds of little kids and sexy city employees. And that is exactly the reason why I say that everyone who plays men’s softball is gay. Don’t ask why. They just are.

You’re getting a second dose of Iceman tomorrow as I have to make a quick trip back to the aforementioned Naptown this evening (to watch some softball?). So get ready for that. I'm sure that it will be incredible as always.

34 comments:

Stay away for Goosetown if you have a full set of teeth, Grumpy. It's like wearing the wrong colors in Oakland.

I know a guy who plays in that men's league. We had to reschedule a fantasy football draft one year because of his softball schedule. I said just replace the fucker, but we couldn't find another person. So he held us fucking hostage with his stupid fucking men's softball league. That's almost as bad as stacking your team with 5 ex-college players.

If Dut is still running things there will be gayness...and a lot of it. I respect the hell out of that, Ide. Coming from NYC to do a fantasy draft the way it was meant to be done. In person. Bravo, sir.

Couple years back, I was fooling around with a girl in the Virginia Highlands area of Atlanta.

We had mutual friends from Miami, but she was way, way too into Campus Crusade for Christ so our little fling didn't last more than 2-3 months and a handfull of Handjobs.

Anywho - she convinced me to join their co-ed church softball league. Three things stand out vividly from those 11 games.

1. If you had girls that had played softball before (lesbians) on your team, you had an excellent chance to win the league. We had none. This rule also applied to Co-Ed Broomball at MU.

2. There was one team full of former Auburn baseball players that were born-agains or some shit. They brought bat-bags and had 2-4 bats and a couple of gloves and eye black. Assholes. Do you feel proud cracking a softball 320 feet off of a girl?

3. Co-Ed is the WORST for softball. The rules were fucked up (line up order has to be male/female/male/female) and outfielders were required to stand behind a painted white line in the outfield when a female was up to bat to give them a better chance of getting a hit.The worst rule of all was if you walked a male to face a female, the male took 2nd base. It was a two base walk. Took all the strategy out of the game. Horrible.

Drew, it was not a shitty job at all. Did you not read the part about approved nap time and unlimited porno mags spread throughout the city???

Let's say that you're an accountant and you are responsible for math and finance stuff for Grumpy because he is old and senile. Would you like it if he stood over your shoulder constantly making snide remarks to no one in particular about your work while wearing baseball pants and eye black? No, you would not. And when you finished with his bullshit and covered in sweat, mud, and shame, wouldn't you want at least a little acknowledgement? Thanks for being wrong.

Since you have been such a douche from the start this morning, your request for a post about Kevin Groves and Billy Means Business and our multitude of gay bosses is DENIED. I hated Billy Means.

Dawg, I mentioned yesterday that coed softball was OK but, after thinking about it more, I am probably biased to that line of thinking for behavioral purposes. IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, when women are around, meathead men become less of a dickhead. It's part of their charm. So, in essence, playing coed softball makes you much more likely to not come off as a cocksucker to the rest of society.

I just came out of softball retirement on Monday (I hit a grand slam in my previous last game so I retired). Went a solid 1-3 with a game ending dribbler to the pitcher. I knew I should have stayed retired! It was coed and we lost to a team that was all 50+. They took walks and we didn't. Honestly, who plays softball and goes up there to take a walk? You should be swinging for the fences at all times. People who take softball too seriously are the worst.

I was in Napoleon this weekend and had a concerned reader tell me he was happy to see that I'm alive and well. He thought something had happened to me because of my lack of commenting. I can't remember who it was... I was really drunk. If you're out there, identify yourself!

The dfl draft is up in the air. I might be moving to north carolina for a new job. I will soon be closer to former fleshlight star cammy cam!!

As someone who as actually lived in that shithole of a state, I'd advise against it. That place is the worst. It's humid as fuck, the dirt is even a different color (red), and there is A LOT of black people. I concur with the ruling from the committee, don't fucking do it.

Dut...do it. North Carolina weather is better than Ohio weather...girls have to be better looking as a whole...you can get good at golf....you can provide a resting place for Grumpy when he goes and visits his favorite tree.

Brady, what those morons didn't understand (time to talk shop!!!) is that, yeah, I can push those puddles off but I'm just digging a deeper trench in the ground. The next time it rains, the puddle is going to be an ocean, asshole. And then we'll be right back where we started. But hey, enjoy your doubleheader against Rick's Sports Bar and Alex Products tonight.

It was a great job except for that dreaded 1 hour downpour followed by blistering heat. I swear NW Ohio might as well be the Everglades when that shit happens in the summer. I'm pretty sure I inhaled diamond dust like Kevin Mack inhaled cocaine those summers as well.

Obviously the best part was the killer tan I achieved. The baby dolls ate that shit up.

The place is a golf Mecca and host to multiple PGA and US Opens. AND since its playable by the Average Schmoes like you and me.

Not to mention the fact that the Sand Hill region of NC is one of the best golfing resorts in America. Jack Nicklaus, Arnie, and Pete Dye all signature courses, all for less than 60 bones if you golf in the afternoon.

Not to mention, you're an hour and fourty five minutes from Myrtle Beach and 3 hours from Hilton head. Wonder if there is any good golf there?

"Iceman, great point there. I think that 95% of the guys who play in that league live and die by softball. If they lose, the wife will need to explain her black eye to the neighbors the following day. "

Don't worry Iceman...you are neck and neck with him now. MUDawg had taken a strong grasp of my worst commentor here ranking...but, between the Herbstreit story, Seau joke and now today's post...he's trying to put you back into that role.

Oh snap. First off Myrtle Beach is South Carolina and a stupid fucking trip to play an afternoon of golf, especially if youre sub par. Im not arguing theres not great courses, but Ohio more than holds their own. Try looking at the Golf Digest rankings shithead.

The rank humidity in NC almost negates the oleasure of playing. Youll sweat more than youll drink. But at least you can eat at Cookout!