Remembering Kaidynn

She was born still at 31 weeks on March, 28th 2011. She has a surviving identical twin sister. Remembering Kaidynn. Her story. This is the story of our Twins, and their birth.

At 6 weeks gestation, I started spotting. I had miscarried about 6 months prior, so I was fearing it was happening again. My doctor ordered an ultrasound right away. I was so nervous. I lay on that table staring off just waiting to hear the horrible news. That there once again, was no hearbeat. The ultrasound tech asked how I was doing.. “okay.. nervous..” I replied. She just nodded and gave me a slight smile. After what seemed an eternity, they turned the screen toward us. “Well, this is what we’re looking at..” And I immediately saw two big circles. I thought..What the heck? That looks odd..? “It appears we are looking at a twin pregnancy!” said the Tech. My jaw just dropped. I looked at my husband, who just looked back at me in disbelief? TWINS?! Oh my gosh! I would have NEVER expected this. As we were leaving, it started sinking in. Oh my gosh! We are having TWINS!! How amazing is that?! I was too excited and amazed. I had to tell our family and friends! The pregnancy was progressing normally. Babies were growing, and everything was going great! We started to notice a slight growth discrepency between the twins. One was slightly smaller. “It could be totally normal!” Said my doctor. So, we just had periodic ultrasounds to watch the growth.

At 20 weeks, we were referred by our OB/GYN to a Perinatologist 2 hours away. They did numerous scans. They were afraid my babies were suffering from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. The Perinatologist then gave us such relief, he did NOT believe it was TTTS. He said he believed my twins were fraternal, that they had their own placenta’s. I was so happy to know it wasn’t TTTS. (I had a friend who’s twin sons passed away from TTTS complications and being born too premature, and getting a bacterial infection.) But then he broke the bad news, it could be a placental issue. He said we just need to watch the growth of the girls. (yep, two wonderful little girls!) My regular OB/GYN seemed to be happy with the results of our appt with the Perinatologist. He said we will just continue to check on the girls. My pregnancy was going good. Other than there was still a size difference between Baby A and Baby B. Baby B was really starting to lag behind Baby A. My doctor didn’t seem concerned. So, I wasn’t concerned either. I figured he knew what he was doing. Right?

Well, the growth was really starting to lag, so he scheduled me for a Biophysical Profile on March 28th, 2011. The ultrasound tech started with Baby A. Everything was great! She scored 8 out 8! Then she moved onto Baby B. She did all her measurements first. Then she moved on to do the scoring parts of the BPP. She didn’t practice her chest breathing. She didn’t have any muscle tone/flexion. She didn’t move. At all. I tried to move around and lightly push on my stomach to encourage her to move. Nothing. We sat in that ultrasound for at least 45 minutes trying to get her to budge. She showed us her heartbeating on the ultrasound screen. Assured us she has good heart tones still. Concluded our ultrasound, and sent us on our way. We had our regular OB appt. scheduled following the ultrasound, so we headed to his office. He told us he was a little concerned. Baby B hadn’t grown at all since the previous ultrasound. She had actually lost weight. He seemed so casual about it. Like it wasn’t that bad. He said he would like us to go into the city following our appointment.

He said “they will likely repeat the ultrasound, and take it from there. If her condition hasn’t improved, they may choose to deliver. But, who knows, you could be pregnant for another 3-4 weeks.” He asked if we could drive there. I responded yes. I was with my husbands cousin, my 3 year old, and we had my 2 dogs in the van. (We had driven 40 miles to this appointment) My husband couldn’t get off work so his cousin said she would love to come with. I called my husband and told him we were headed into the city. (another 40 miles away) He said he was going to come with. So, we waited for him at a nearby McDonald’s. He got there, I got in with him, and his cousin took our vehicle back to our hometown with our 3 year old and doggies. We were off to the hospital. I had a few contractions on the ride.

I was nervous. I hoped everything was ok. But the doctor didn’t seem worried at all. He was very casual about it. Not once said it was an emergency or anything of the sort. We get into the city, and head to the OB floor. They tell us we need to go register at the ER. They let my husband go register, and I went to change into a gown. When he returned, I was getting settled into the bed. A nurse came in, and started to hook me up to the contraction monitor. She found Baby A’s heartbeat right away. Then she tried to find Baby B. She wasn’t able to find it. She tried for a little bit, and then asked another nurse to come and try. She couldn’t find it either. Then came another nurse. Neither could she.

Finally, they decided they would have the ultrasound tech come up to my room with her portable machine. The tech was doing her thing, taking measurements and such. She even pointed out Baby A’s feet to me. The nurse that was with me when I got there, was now going off duty. She went up to the ultrasound tech and said, “I just gotta know before I go” and was looking at the screen. I looked up at the ultrasound tech in time to see her give her a ‘look’ and shake her head slightly. I knew. I knew then that something was terribly wrong.

I kept looking at my husband’s across the room, shaking my head. He just looked at me with question marks on his face. He had no clue what was going on. The nurse left the room. She came back a short time later, and said that the doctor was on her way in. I had a horrible feeling.

The doctor wasn’t initially supposed to come until the morning. After a few minutes, the doctor arrived. That’s when she told us the news that would break our hearts. “The baby they were concerned about has passed away.” My heart shattered into a million pieces. I burst into tears.

Kept saying no, no, no. Please no. :'( Everthing after that was a blur. They told me they needed to get Baby A out ASAP due to infection risks. I was signing papers that I had no clue what they were because I didn’t even pay attention to what was going on. My baby was dead. My daughter. I would never get to know her. And now they were going to take out Baby A, who is going to be 9 weeks premature! Is she going to be okay? I was panicking in my heart. Before I knew it, they were wheeling me back to the OR. They brought me in. They made my husband and my sister wait outside while they did my spinal block. Once I was laying down getting prepped, they let them come in. My blood pressure dropped drastically from the spinal block. All I remember is saying, “am I supposed to feel like this?” The anesthesiologist asked how I felt. I said “like I’m going to fall asleep.” I was so out of it. They gave me some medication through my IV, and in a little bit I started coming back around. I realized my husband was right next to me. I started feeling pressure and pulling. I was so anxious. All of a sudden I heard the most wonderful sound. A baby’s cry. Baby A came out crying! I started crying happy tears. I had expected she would come out silent, needing machines and tubes. To hear her cry was the most amazing sound in the world. They showed her to me really quick before they passed her off to the NICU team. So small! But so beautiful! Then came more pressure, and more pulling. Followed by silence. This time, there was no cry.

My daughter was born sleeping. Silent. Still.

They cleaned her up, wrapped her snug as a bug, and gave her to my sister to hold. My sister then brought her right over to us. She was beautiful. Our little angel. We held and kissed her. Until they said it was time to head back to recovery. The nurses came in and told us about the organization ‘Now I lay Me Down To Sleep’ and said they could come and take photo’s for us. I said that yes, I wanted someone to come. My husband got to go to the NICU and see Baby A, who now was named Kaylie Jo. He brought back pictures for me. She is so beautiful. He said she was doing great. I was so relieved. The nurse came back and asked if we would like to hold (Baby B) who was now named Kaidynn June. We most definitely wanted to see her again. We sat and held her, cried over her, marveled over her tiny little toes and fingers. Her beautiful little face. She was only 1 pound 15.5 ounces, and 14 inches long. So, so small. She had the cutest little nose I had ever seen. I just wanted to kiss it forever. The photographer got there, and took some precious pictures of Kaidynn, and her daddy and me. Then she and my husband took baby Kaidynn into the NICU to take some pictures of the twins for the first, and the last time. I am so thankful for those pictures.

It took me a long time to be able to look at the disc they sent me. I started to one day.. And just couldn’t. I looked at two of them, and my heart broke into a million pieces all over again. The deep ache is always there. Always this HORRIBLE, EMPTY ache. I don’t think I will ever feel whole again. A part of me is missing. How could I ever fill that void? I couldn’t. My daughter is gone, and I will never get to see her again.

Never get to see her grow up. Never get to see her interact with her identical twin sister. We were asked if we wanted her baptized. We said we did. A priest came and did a very sweet little baptism. They were all so amazing at the hospital. I’m so thankful for everything they did. Her handprints, dressed her into this beautiful little crocheted outfit. I have all her things in a little memory box. Then came one of the hardest things ever…I had to let my baby go. I didn’t want to let go of her. I wanted her to be with us. Stay with us. But she couldn’t.

We had to kiss our daughter goodbye for the very last time. Kaylie Jo will be 2 this coming March. And she is doing wonderful. She is full of personality and so much fun. But, it’s a constant reminder of what we lost. She lost the chance to experience the amazing bond she should have had with her identical twin sister. We lost the chance to watch our girls grow up together. It breaks my heart each and every day. Kenzie, our oldest who is now going to be 5 in April, has been so deeply affected by the loss of her sister. She talks about her daily. Cries when she starts talking about her, because she misses her so much. It’s not fair. I constantly think of what it would be, SHOULD be like with both girls here.

A pathologist also studied my placenta, and we found out it was a MONOchorionic placenta. They thought they were fraternal my whole pregnancy, and they turned out to be identical after all! Our daughters shared a bond like no other. They came from ONE egg. They started life as one, and became two. Can you get any closer than that?! But now Kaylie will have to go on in life knowing that she will never get to know her other half. But we will never stop talking about her, never forget her. She will never be forgotten. Rest In Paradise my Angel.

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