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Author
Topic: Advice for living alone with HIV? (Read 8321 times)

Last night my partner and I broke up after three years. He's neg and I'm poz. In fact, he was with me when I found out I had HIV so I've never lived alone with it.

The brake up had nothing to do with HIV. There were/are some relationship issues that just can't seem to be overcome. We took a last ditch effort to solve the problems and it blew up in my face. I realized that it was time to end the relationship.

What makes this worse is that we love eachother and he's my best friend. I would give anything to fix our relationship, but I have no idea what that would be. Neither does he. To say that my heart is breaking is an understatement.

I realized today that I'm scared (maybe terrified) of living alone with HIV.

How do those of you who do handle it? What do I need to be aware of? God I hate this fucking disease ...

I live alone. But I never quite feel like I'm living alone with HIV, thanks to the forums I feel like I have 900 people living with me. At any time of the day or night I can post a question and get an immediate answer to something that might be worrying me. For me, I've never really felt alone. But I've always "lived alone with HIV", you never have. So I think it is just a frame of mind issue, I would probably go through a learning curve If I were to ever (hopefully) live with someone else, Just as you are going to have a learning curve living alone.Perhaps it's not an HIV thing, Perhaps it's the fear of living alone in and of itself, which can be a difficult transition for anyone. Just take it one day at a time and remember you have alot of friends here that will be glad to help you.

This may sound weird under the circumstances, but maybe it's time to treat yourself to a nice bubblebath with a hot cup of tea and candles and some soft music, , it helps to soothe the anxiety and such.

have you always been in a relationship in your life. somehow I doubt it. its horrible, a break up. Im sure when you are over it, and it might take quite some time, you will see that HIV doesn't have much to do with what you are feeling. he loved you with hiv, so another person will, as well. and a functional relationship is great. a disfunctional one doesnt help anyone, hiv+ or hiv-

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

I'm feeling u on the loss of the relationship. I am just coming out of a 6 year one that was my first "real" relationship --- it had more offs than ons. He was + and after almost 6 years I tested +. He was there when I got the news then started to disappear more so after. I have went to all but all of my labs alone, dr. follow ups, er visits, etc. Sucks, but I also know that it makes me stronger --- after all, when all is said and done, this is a disease that I have to be 100% responsible for taking care of. I am also learning that a deserve the best in a relationship and that my love is way way too valuable to be given to just anyone. Right now I am making sure that I redirect the love I gave to him to myself --- after all, I deserve it. Hang in there. Every experience is a worthy one -- have no regrets -- and be good to #1 --- YOU.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

@ Mech ... no, not a consistent one .. i've had two major relationship and one minor .. the first major relationship almost killed me when it ended but that is a story for another time ... the minor relationshp also almost killed me but that is becuase he was a lier and gave me HIV ... this third one is with a great guy ... i love him very much but there are some thins we just can't seem to get worked out ... last night i realized that if i don't end it, i'll be in the same place six years from now and that is not good ... i've been single for a total of 8 years out of my adult life .. i enjoyed it and have no fear of being single ... i just thought we were going to be together for ever ...

@Willy ... for support yes, this is here .. but i'm going to sleeping with him, not sex, but sleeping ... that is what i will miss the most ... i'm just worried about the unknown i guess with HIV ...

@ phildinftlaudy .. damn that sux ... i agree that i need to foucs that energy on myself now ... i think i had just gotten used to the idea of having someone and thinking i could rely on them ... i'm highly independent by nature so it takes alot for me to even ask for help let alone rely on another person ...

I know ... and that part i am doing ... already making plans ... the right support? hardly ... when it comes to HIV I have limited support ... which is part of what prompted this question ...

LOL .. I love solitude and I"m moving on ... but I have some beautiful memories that I'm keeping ... We don't hate eachother, we love eachother but we are just at a place where we don't know what to do anylonger ...

Wow1969 --- it will be difficult and challenging --- no way over it, around it, under it or over it -- only thru it. I feel u on wanting to be with the person for life. I had been with probably 100s of people before I met my ex (i was a hoe) and never wanted a relationship - that changed when i met him --- he was one of the main reasons i came out to my family --- he made me feel secure in being me -- funny how that went the other direction as the relationship ended. Work on buiilding your HIV support network --- as I am also doing. Things will get better.

AIDS killed my partner (the first one) and left me alone.life went on.matter of fact, it went along so fine, I fell in love again.AIDS then killed my partner (the second one) and left me alone (again)life still goes on.

I know ... and that part i am doing ... already making plans ... the right support? hardly ... when it comes to HIV I have limited support ... which is part of what prompted this question ...

LOL .. I love solitude and I"m moving on ... but I have some beautiful memories that I'm keeping ... We don't hate eachother, we love eachother but we are just at a place where we don't know what to do anylonger ...

Yeah, if I remember well you have a sort of distant relation with your family. I am sure/I hope that there is at least a good friend for you to get together with, have some drinks with, and laugh at everything foolishly.

I understand the part about ending a relationship that was special. I ended mine shortly after my dark passenger came along. This was the person who I though/think was the "love of my life" (tragic/cheesy as that may sound), but --like you-- there were things that I could not change/fix. We remain friends, but I simply want more out of life. I still have to visit India and New Zealand; I want to go sky-diving; I plan to complete things that I had left unfinished. With him that was not going to happen. The only way I can do this right now is by focusing on me

I am not saying to forget him, especially when you had something that brought you happiness. There's one of those sayings about better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all (or something to that effect). Love will come back into your life at some point. Just put yourself where you belong: number one.

::edited darned spelling errors::

« Last Edit: January 24, 2010, 09:39:05 PM by livebythemoon »

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Yeah, if I remember well you have a sort of distant relation with your family. I am sure/I hope that there is at least a good friend for you to get together with, have some drinks with, and laugh at everything foolishly.

I understand the part about ending a relationship that was special. I ended mine shortly after my dark passenger came along. This was the person who I though/think was the "love of my life" (tragic/cheesy as that may sound), but --like you-- there were things that I could not change/fix. We remain friends, but I simply want more out of life. I still have to visit India and New Zealand; I want to go sky-diving; I plan to complete things that I had left unfinished. With him that was not going to happen. The only way I can do this right now is by focusing on me

::edited darned spelling errors::

Good memory ... yes, I along with 1/2 my famiy but i don't think i can tell any of them that i have hiv ... i have friends but i keep the hiv stuff to my self .... yes, i have told some and their responses have been more about them than me ... i'm just talking about hiv support ... but hopefully that will change as i just fired my dr and hired a new one ...

It has been a special relationship ... in many ways a great one ... but it is over ... things just went too far this time ... The worst part is sleeping alone ... but he's a psychic vampire ... two weeks ago i cut off his feeding ... i was tired all the time ... then my energy levels went up dramatically ... this was the beginning of the end ... i couldn't figure out why i was worn out all the time - he was teh reason ... as i said, i love him very much but i can't live with him ... this is the reason i ended the relationship ... taking care of me ... but, damn, it hurts ....

AIDS killed my partner (the first one) and left me alone.life went on.matter of fact, it went along so fine, I fell in love again.AIDS then killed my partner (the second one) and left me alone (again)life still goes on.

you are a brave man ... i don't know that i can do this again ... i have a feeling you must be a very strong person .. thanks you for sharing

I feel u on wanting to be with the person for life. I had been with probably 100s of people before I met my ex (i was a hoe) and never wanted a relationship - that changed when i met him ---

lol .. no comment on the hoe status :-) can't cast stones .. but it wasn't my hoeing that got me hiv, but my second monogomous relationship (asshole) ... i don't think i ever believed in love until we met ... despite his vampirism, he's a truly good person with a wonderful heart ... and i love him very much ... but i don't see how any of this can be repaired and neither does he ... i just expected to be with him for the rest of my life ... amazing how short the "rest of my life" turned out to be LOL ...

you are a brave man ... i don't know that i can do this again ... i have a feeling you must be a very strong person

after burying the first love, I never expected love to come along again. Quite frankly, I wasn't looking for it ever again. Then when love came knocking the second time, I shunned and avoided it, out of fear, for several yrs before finally giving in. The moral of my story is to never think it'll never happen again. Even death, grief, and depression can't stop love when it's out to get ya! I wasn't brave or strong, but I was lucky to be in love twice in one lifetime.

The only thing I would think the disease would impact would be the people you date in the future. Some people out of ignorance or fear will reject the disease inevitably. Being single is a state of wholeness however. It's normal to feel the loss of a relationship, but you're still an intact human being, the disease nor your relationship status will ever change that.

I've never had much luck with relationships partially due to my location. However I'm very much afraid of re-entering the dating pool since my diagnosis, because I remember the conversations I've had with other people. I know the things that I heard others say about positive guys. I know too that once I disclose to anyone I'm basically disclosing to everyone.

I'd give you a hug because I think anyone fresh out of a relationship deserves one, but an e-hug will have to do.

I will be thinking about you--I know that isn't much help. I can't imagine going through this alone. It made me think I need to be more thankful. I hate this disease, too, and haven't even had to deal with all the hell so many on here have.

If ya need to talk, send me a message. I always think someone better will come into your life than the person you had. It always seems to happen when you're not looking for it. Don't do like a friend of mine--get hook-up with a loser just so he wouldn't be alone.

Of course when you tell people about your HIV status, they think of themselves. That's pretty much human nature. I'm not saying it's right; just normal. As time goes by, those people will probably come around to thinking more of you. Is there an ASO (Aids Service Organization) nearby? I would encourage you to get ahold of one, and maybe check out one of their support groups, to meet others and get support face-to-face. It can make a big difference in someone's life.

I've been through many different relationships, and have been alone for about 5 & 1/2 years. I'm so used to it, it doesn't bother me. To tell you the truth, I like it. I don't like answering to someone ("I'm going...I'll be back at..."). I guess that makes me a bit selfish. If sleeping alone bothers you, get (and I know this sounds silly) a big teddy bear. Then you'll have a warm body by you. It seems devastating right now, but things will change. Time does heal things, including relationships. Good luck.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hi Wow1969-Hope today is a good day 4 u! I actually didn't get HIV while I was ho'ing (surprisingly) -- but got it with the person that I just got out of the 6 yr relationship with. I also enjoy sleeping with someone next to me - which I never used to - but he got me in the habit early on. But, then he said my snoring was an issue so we really didn't share the bed too often overnight after that..... I learned to wrap my arms around my pillow (actually, I have like 6 in my bed -- must be a hold over from the "hoe" phase - as I can go to a different pillow at any point during the night -- some are large, some soft, some firm -- LOL). At any rate, he also was an energy vampire. Basically, the relationship that had started out as one that made me feel good and was a complement to my life, became one that was making me feel bad, feel less than and taking away from my life ---- that is something that one doesn't want to happen if negative and definitely can't afford to have happen if one is poz..... It is tough staying away -- but then again not really, because when he tries to re-engage I just remind myself of how the relationship makes me feel and it isn't as difficult to stay disconnected from it then ---

I really detest anyone touching me while I'm sleeping. If I have to, I pull out my Inner Loleatta and do the Greatest Performance of My Life routine for an hour of cuddling, and then when the guy is asleep I have to untangle myself before I can get to sleep. I guess that's odd, no? My last long-term partner was like 215 lbs and a bodybuilder and he'd literally cut off my circulation.

Other than that I actually find being single with HIV totally less complicated than all of the inevitable drama that comes with a relationship.

OK, so that said I'm a bit confused by the opening post's questions: what exactly are you so terrified by in terms of the concept of living without a partner and being HIV+? Spell it out for me, k? And how do we handle it? What's that mean exactly? And what do you need to be aware of? I'm trying to figure out if this is all mentally related or more like practical things as in "when I take too many prescription pills and fall down the stairs who do I get to call "911" for me?" etc. Again, I'd need some elaboration of what you're really thinking about here.

Seriously, it's not particularly weird being physically alone, but then it seems the OP doesn't know any other pozzies in real life and hasn't told many neg friends about it, nor his family, so his support system is nil. Is that what you're getting at wow1969? If that's the case then that's your choice, and you can change it as you wish or need to.

Why MissP? Please help me understand. Was this only because your ex was 215lbs? or was it a feeling you had with everyone? The reason i ask is my ex hated me touching him while we were sleeping, he would actually cringe at times, most nights he would get up and move to the couch. He told me it had nothing to do with me, but that he has never been able to sleep (slumber) with other people. Of course this always upset me greatly, I always felt like i was doing something wrong to make him feel this way. The only time I got to hug him was during sex. I could never understand this because I feel that lying with someone, cuddling, etc... was one of the best parts of a relationship.

Sorry for the slight Hijack..

wow1969... I know how you feel about the joy of sleeping with someone, for me that was the worst part of a break up (having to sleep alone). I slept on the couch for months after the break up as I wasn't able to get myself to sleep in our old bed, it just hurt to much being in it alone. I eventually had to buy a new bed and all new sheets, etc..which helped. I wished I had a magic wand to wave at you and make it all go away, but the reality is you have to just go "onward through the fog". But know it does really get better with time.

Oh no, I do like to cuddle some at first in bed, it's just that with my ex he really was (obviously) heavy. His thighs were like having a ham hock or two laying on you, but I've been like this more or less with every partner. Part of it for me is that I'm not that used to sleeping in bed with someone else. At the age of 45 I've never, ever officially co-habitated permanently with any partner, just kind of unofficial stuff where we both kept our own apartments. Most of that was an NYC thing, because if you give up your apartment and then the relationship doesn't last it's just major, major drama finding a new place, etc.

But I think I've also always had a bit of trouble sleeping getting to sleep, and being physically entangled with someone else's body makes me stay awake so after the partner falls asleep I just subtly move to one side and fall asleep. They generally don't ever notice, and if I wake up first I do a little cuddling before waking up.

As far as your ex's description, I'd have to say cringing isn't a very good sign. What's that about? Moving to the couch though could indicate you snore really loud, and I also have that problem. My ex would have to sometimes go sleep on the sofa when it was bad, and in fact it was his repeated complaints that got me to have a sleep study done and I was diagnosed with mild apnea, though since it was only a grade 1 diagnosis my insurance wouldn't pay for a C-PAP machine so I've never gotten one. The doctor said he'd never seen apnea in someone of my thin build, and frankly I've had snoring complaints going back to my sophomore year of college. I guess I just kind of suck at sleeping.

As far as your ex's description, I'd have to say cringing isn't a very good sign. What's that about?

I, myself, come from a family of very stodgy devout Baptists who never touch anyone. Not only do I cringe from my partners' touching me at times, but all those hugs and handshakes in polite society make me cringe, shudder, and draw away. I frequently have to explain away this seeming rudeness while forcing myself to actually have the physical contact. Being sick and germ-o-phobic after the bouts of pnuemonia didn't help this "contact phobia" in the least.

The shame of it all is that while Jim was living, my only gripe was that I hated how he was forever trying to sleep all up on me, touching me, hugging me throughout the night. Many nights as soon as he fell asleep I slipped out of his grasp and out of the bed and slept elsehwere (so I could get a good night's sleep) until the morning. Now that he's passed away I'd give anything to have to "put up with" that kind of intimacy once again.

I really detest anyone touching me while I'm sleeping. If I have to, I pull out my Inner Loleatta and do the Greatest Performance of My Life routine for an hour of cuddling, and then when the guy is asleep I have to untangle myself before I can get to sleep. I guess that's odd, no? My last long-term partner was like 215 lbs and a bodybuilder and he'd literally cut off my circulation.

Had to comment, I am the exact same way. Everyone's surface temperature is always higher than mine. If they're draped across my chest I swear I feel like I'm burning up! I am also ashamed to admit I only have been with snorers. My wife is only second to my ex-wife in the high volume she is able to achieve. My 7 year old was here for Christmas break and slept in the bed with my wife. She awoke the next morning complaining, but said my wife was not nearly as loud as her mommy. My wife's snoring is so regular that if it stops I am compelled to check to see if she's still breathing. Most of the time I sleep on the couch... and it sucks! She's my best friend and lover, so I'll do whatever it takes even if it means being woke up by Neo licking my face..YUCK!

Wow,

I know very well how breakups feel. I've been through a lot of them and no matter if the relationship was 3 months or 13 years (my longest) they all hurt like hell. I don't know about you, but in every relationship there was something I lost. While it was never demanded by who I was with, there was always some hobby, activity, interest, something that due to convenience I just didn't do anymore. As I got older and less obsessive with the breakup itself I was able to get back into activities I enjoyed before the relationship began. Doing these once again always helped me. I still say the video game PTO2 helped me get over my first marriage and probably saved me plenty of money in therapist visits. When I finally finished the game (4 months) Cynthia was already pregnant and remarried.

Truly it takes time. It will get easier as the days go by. Get out of the house and go hang out with an old friend.... or you can go on EBay and buy PTO2.

Hi Wow1969-Hope today is a good day 4 u! I actually didn't get HIV while I was ho'ing (surprisingly) -- but got it with the person that I just got out of the 6 yr relationship with. I also enjoy sleeping with someone next to me - which I never used to - but he got me in the habit early on. But, then he said my snoring was an issue so we really didn't share the bed too often overnight after that..... I learned to wrap my arms around my pillow (actually, I have like 6 in my bed -- must be a hold over from the "hoe" phase - as I can go to a different pillow at any point during the night -- some are large, some soft, some firm -- LOL). At any rate, he also was an energy vampire. Basically, the relationship that had started out as one that made me feel good and was a complement to my life, became one that was making me feel bad, feel less than and taking away from my life ---- that is something that one doesn't want to happen if negative and definitely can't afford to have happen if one is poz..... It is tough staying away -- but then again not really, because when he tries to re-engage I just remind myself of how the relationship makes me feel and it isn't as difficult to stay disconnected from it then ---

Are you sure you aren't my twin? ... I didn't get it from playing around either ... I got it from the relatinshp proir to this one .. I am now sleeping with pillows .. I never liked sleeping with anyone until this relationship ... and I too snore, LOL, but the CPAP takes care of that ...

surprisigly, i really was looking for advice regarding how to live alone with HIV but this has turned into a thread about just dealing with this relationship ... no complaints as it is helping ... thanks to everyone ...

OK, so that said I'm a bit confused by the opening post's questions: what exactly are you so terrified by in terms of the concept of living without a partner and being HIV+? Spell it out for me, k? And how do we handle it? What's that mean exactly? And what do you need to be aware of? I'm trying to figure out if this is all mentally related or more like practical things as in "when I take too many prescription pills and fall down the stairs who do I get to call "911" for me?" etc. Again, I'd need some elaboration of what you're really thinking about here.

Seriously, it's not particularly weird being physically alone, but then it seems the OP doesn't know any other pozzies in real life and hasn't told many neg friends about it, nor his family, so his support system is nil. Is that what you're getting at wow1969? If that's the case then that's your choice, and you can change it as you wish or need to.

As for support I actually have so much more than I thought ... Since the break up I've had people in my life really step up and help me out ... but so few know about my HIV ... My fear/concern is that I know if something happens to me my partner is here for me to lean on .. If I get sick, he's here ... If I have a bad reaction to meds and pass out ... He's here .... If I end up in the hospital ...

Now, that the partnership is disolving ... and by "is dissolving" i mean right now ... we are still living together for a little while as we work out the housing situation ... i wonder what do i do under these types of situation?

I keep thinking about the Queer as Folk episode where Ben is teaching a class and passess out and ends up in the hospital ... If Michael hadn't been there to help in, he would have been given the wrong meds and possibly died ..

The sad thing about this relationshp is that is was good so much more than it was bad ... but there is this one thing that we just never could reconcile and over the years it kept growing until it just became more than we could hanlde .. it wasn't HIV ... that was never a problem in our relationship ...

I know very well how breakups feel. I've been through a lot of them and no matter if the relationship was 3 months or 13 years (my longest) they all hurt like hell. I don't know about you, but in every relationship there was something I lost. While it was never demanded by who I was with, there was always some hobby, activity, interest, something that due to convenience I just didn't do anymore. As I got older and less obsessive with the breakup itself I was able to get back into activities I enjoyed before the relationship began. Doing these once again always helped me. I still say the video game PTO2 helped me get over my first marriage and probably saved me plenty of money in therapist visits. When I finally finished the game (4 months) Cynthia was already pregnant and remarried.

Truly it takes time. It will get easier as the days go by. Get out of the house and go hang out with an old friend.... or you can go on EBay and buy PTO2.

Thank you .. I've had three relationshp of significance and then a lot of smaller one ... The first one destryed my finances when it ended and i've spend years rebuilding ... The second one took my health and this last one took a chunk of my heart ... of all the relationships, this is the one where i truly loved ...

I agree with you totaly that I lost something each time also ...

I am the one who ended this relationshp but I would give anything if it could have worked out different ... however, I am doing good .. I spoke to my clergy and friends and am feeling alot better ...

I changed alot in this relationshp ... I am not the same person I was before it ... I'm so much a better person now and capable of so much more than I used to be ...

As for support I actually have so much more than I thought ... Since the break up I've had people in my life really step up and help me out ... but so few know about my HIV ... My fear/concern is that I know if something happens to me my partner is here for me to lean on .. If I get sick, he's here ... If I have a bad reaction to meds and pass out ... He's here .... If I end up in the hospital ...

Now, that the partnership is disolving ... and by "is dissolving" i mean right now ... we are still living together for a little while as we work out the housing situation ... i wonder what do i do under these types of situation?

I keep thinking about the Queer as Folk episode where Ben is teaching a class and passess out and ends up in the hospital ... If Michael hadn't been there to help in, he would have been given the wrong meds and possibly died ..

You need to relax and stop inventing things to worry about first of all, and stop allowing LOGO channel reruns to influence your thought process. Single people with medical issues get to the hospital somehow, I'm sure if something happens they'll cart your ass off in the wambulance and they'll fix you up straight away.

LOL .. I'm not inventing .. i'm nervous ... this is a first for me ...but i love the "wambulance" reference ... and just for your information .. i don't watch LOGO .. no cable ... I have them on DVD

This break up is the hardest for me of all of them .. I may have initiated it but that doesn't make it easier ... I never had moments like this before with my other break ups .. I think it's hard because I'm still very much inlove which is causing heartache and fear because of the HIV ... two powerful emotions ...

Oh no, I do like to cuddle some at first in bed, it's just that with my ex he really was (obviously) heavy. His thighs were like having a ham hock or two laying on you, but I've been like this more or less with every partner. Part of it for me is that I'm not that used to sleeping in bed with someone else. At the age of 45 I've never, ever officially co-habitated permanently with any partner, just kind of unofficial stuff where we both kept our own apartments. Most of that was an NYC thing, because if you give up your apartment and then the relationship doesn't last it's just major, major drama finding a new place, etc.

But I think I've also always had a bit of trouble sleeping getting to sleep, and being physically entangled with someone else's body makes me stay awake so after the partner falls asleep I just subtly move to one side and fall asleep. They generally don't ever notice, and if I wake up first I do a little cuddling before waking up.

As far as your ex's description, I'd have to say cringing isn't a very good sign. What's that about? Moving to the couch though could indicate you snore really loud, and I also have that problem. My ex would have to sometimes go sleep on the sofa when it was bad, and in fact it was his repeated complaints that got me to have a sleep study done and I was diagnosed with mild apnea, though since it was only a grade 1 diagnosis my insurance wouldn't pay for a C-PAP machine so I've never gotten one. The doctor said he'd never seen apnea in someone of my thin build, and frankly I've had snoring complaints going back to my sophomore year of college. I guess I just kind of suck at sleeping.

Yeah, well I'll just chalk it up to him having issues. Maybe his mom beat him as a child. I'm not a snorer, I don't entangle my bed partners. Just the typical cuddle then roll over back to back, but DAMMMIT I couldn't even get that! GOD it would piss me off every morning seeing that he had gotten up and moved to the couch.

Ok, that was years ago, I'll just chalk it up as a mystery .I'll stop stressing over it.

I will be thinking about you--I know that isn't much help. I can't imagine going through this alone. It made me think I need to be more thankful. I hate this disease, too, and haven't even had to deal with all the hell so many on here have.

If ya need to talk, send me a message. I always think someone better will come into your life than the person you had. It always seems to happen when you're not looking for it. Don't do like a friend of mine--get hook-up with a loser just so he wouldn't be alone.

Just saw your comment .. no, i won't be doing the hook up thing .. my days of playing around like that are over .. and yes, all the positive energy sent my way is helpful ... believe me ...

Hi Wow1969:I don't know if there is a perfect answer or exact fit in regards to how do you live alone with HIV...so, I guess if you are looking for that, you might not get a perfect response -- but you will get a lot of feedback and maybe in the time that it takes to go thru the feedback, think about the feedback and respond to the feedback the most imiportant element that is necessary will have occurred --- time will have passed and you will find that u are successfully living alone with HIV -- or u will discover, as I believe that you are - that in many ways u are not alone and living with HIV. I remember that someone told me that you don't practice playing the piano and then beginning playing the piano -- both occur simultaneously. So it is with life --- we don't learn to live and then begin living -- we live and learn. Maybe we are twins! I remember that I never wanted to meet anyone because I always had us "divorced" before we had even gotten together. I now know to take it slow. Enjoy the ride. There are times you just have to lift your hands above ur head and say I don't know where this one is taking me, but let me enjoy the ride.

I'm like Liz Lemon on "30 Rock"-- afraid I'll choke to death while being alone. I guess many would say people who need someone are co-dependent. I know it was my partner who called the ambulance when I got sick when I couldn't catch my breath from pneumonia and couldn't speak. He also took off work and slept on a cot next to me in the hospital for a whole week. He only left a couple times to go home and shower.

I've done a lot of soul searching about whether I would have stayed at the hospital with him almost 24/7. At that point, I'm not sure I would have. He was there when the doc came in the room and told me I was poz. I don't think a friend or family member could have been as comforting. He goes to every doc appt with me and takes notes. When I've had bad panic attacks, he has gotten up out of bed to comfort me--often ruining his sleep. At first, this was an almost weekly event. They've gotten better and I've learned to control them myself without waking him up. It is just good to know someone loves you. It is good to know you have someone to come home to and to be there for them as well. I realized my issues were dominating everything. He has migraine headaches really bad--probably from me. Seriously, he's had them for years but I never took them seriously. I've gotten more involve in his health and pushed him to get a brain scan to make sure all was ok there.

wow1969, I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. Post-breakup is usually a terrible time at first.

Re: your question about being HIV+ and alone, I was most afraid of being "alone" when I first found out I was HIV+ and got very sick. My fear of being alone was intrinsically tied to my fear of being sick and my fear of dying alone. I learned to get over that and now I really focus on doing things that make me happy. I also really enjoy being free from any relationship drama (not that being in a relationship doesn't also have its pluses). These days I don't feel like I'm "alone." I feel like I'm just spending quality time with myself. I hope you also find joy during this time you have with yourself.

WillyWump, I hear you. I am also a big cuddler (24/7 please). And that's why I have my strapping Japanese cuddle pillow (see below )

I'm like Liz Lemon on "30 Rock"-- afraid I'll choke to death while being alone. I guess many would say people who need someone are co-dependent. I know it was my partner who called the ambulance when I got sick when I couldn't catch my breath from pneumonia and couldn't speak. He also took off work and slept on a cot next to me in the hospital for a whole week. He only left a couple times to go home and shower.

I've done a lot of soul searching about whether I would have stayed at the hospital with him almost 24/7. At that point, I'm not sure I would have. He was there when the doc came in the room and told me I was poz. I don't think a friend or family member could have been as comforting. He goes to every doc appt with me and takes notes. When I've had bad panic attacks, he has gotten up out of bed to comfort me--often ruining his sleep. At first, this was an almost weekly event. They've gotten better and I've learned to control them myself without waking him up. It is just good to know someone loves you. It is good to know you have someone to come home to and to be there for them as well. I realized my issues were dominating everything. He has migraine headaches really bad--probably from me. Seriously, he's had them for years but I never took them seriously. I've gotten more involve in his health and pushed him to get a brain scan to make sure all was ok there.

I'm like Liz Lemon on "30 Rock"-- afraid I'll choke to death while being alone. I guess many would say people who need someone are co-dependent. I know it was my partner who called the ambulance when I got sick when I couldn't catch my breath from pneumonia and couldn't speak. He also took off work and slept on a cot next to me in the hospital for a whole week. He only left a couple times to go home and shower.

Reminds me of my wife, three days after I met her I had an episode and she had to call an ambulance for me on our second date. When I got home I was so ill I wasn't even able to make it to the bathroom due to a sudden rush of my bowels and what was in my stomach. She cleaned me up, nursed me back to health, and stayed with me. I even posted on the forums what had happend and how I was in fear she would leave because of my health problems. She never left...

i know that there is little hope of this being fixed ... i'm so angry right now ... i feel so stupid to have been with this person for three years ... i can't belive how much i loved them ...

i can't belive how much i thought he loved me ... i think he was more inlove with love than with me ... he told me that he got lost in the love ... basically, he was just feeding off my energy .... fucking psychic vampire ... when i realized what was going on and cut off the connection it took two weeks for the relationship to end ... tonight, we talked ... we have had some wonderful times, i learned to make love and not just fuck, i learned to love again after my last relationship ... but what i heard tonight was that he feels good about himself and it's time to move on .. that he can provide a list as long as my d*&k as to why i'm an amazing man but he can leave without putting up a fight .... that he's still in love with me but he doesn't know what to do ...

i am so freaking confused .... i need the next month to end quicly so that we can move out of our place and go i have got to get away from this person ...

i had hoped we would find a way to save things .. i wanted to patch things up ... now, i just want to be free ... i may die alone and i may be alone but this just hurts too much ... how the hell did i end up with this person in my life ...

I'm really thinkin we r twins or at least in a parallel universe... Try to feel better... suggestion is to go back thru this post and reread the responses. I know you have already read them, but take some time to read them again ---- they will probably take on a different flavor, tone, etc. And, I have tried to reconnect with my ex on more than one occasion (as a matter of fact out of the six years we were together i think at least 4 of it was reconnecting --- which is a damn shame- LOL), but each time within a few days, hours or sometimes even minutes I realize that he is just not a nice person and does not contribute at all to me feeling the least bit good about myself. No one should be responsible for our happiness -- at the same time -- I refuse to let anyone take my happiness a way. I'm not going to work hard for a paycheck and let someone just take my money; I feel the same way about my well being and happiness -- I work hard to feel GOOD -- I am passed the point of letting someone think they can f**k with it :-)

I thought only lesbians do that thing about repeatedly going back to their ex's. I've never done it. Ever... meaning sexually. I've done the "friends" thing afterwards, but I managed to keep it non-sexual.

However, there was one time when I was rather young that I got plastered, ran into an ex, and threw myself at him. Fortunately he didn't take advantage of that.

i swear that this has been the week that i could turn into a soap opera ... my life is never like this LOL ...

going back to my ex? i'm calm now, i mean totally calm ... i'm going to refer to my ex and my partner because this part of the story now involved 2 ex's ... i have had a calm and boring uneventul three years other than dealing with HIV .. in two weeks, i have the script for a Lifetime tv movie ...

I called my ex this morning and we started talking ... she, yes she, set me straight about a bunch of things ... gave me a whole new perspective and helped me see things I didn't see ... yes, my partner screwed up ... but so did I ... I really messed up to be honest ... I can say that the mistakes I made were not maliscious but were made with the best of intentions, but I screwed up ...

I had been an abusive relationship years ago and I have sworn never to do that to someone myself ... I have gone to such extremes to not be that person that I started being controling ... In trying to be controling, I becamse exactly what I didn't want to be ... That is one of the issues in this relationship now ... I ended up trying to change him out of some misguided need to not be something I dispise ...

Following the converstion, I called my partner and asked for forgiveness, not a second chance, but forgiveness for the mistakes I made. I really didn't see what I was doing ...

A few hours later, I also told him that I was still very much inlove with him and we need to give this a second chance ...

Now, why would I say this? Because, in three years, this is the FIRST argument we have ever had ... It was bad, no doubt ... we have been extremely hurtful to eachother in the last two days ... but it is th first and for the most part, we have had a great three years ... I find it hard to believe that we have one argument and then end it ...

Up until this morning my focus was on the wrong things ... I was focused on his actions .. I was enjoying my self-righteousness ...Today, I got a perspective adjustment which led to a much needed attitude adjustment ... I love him .. I loved him before we met and I will love him after he is gone .. That is not going to change ... I"m putting pu a fight because this is worth it ...

At this point, the decision is in his hands ... i don't want to look back in five years and say, I should have tried harder ... If he decides he doesn't want to or can't move forward, then that is his choice .. but i'm not throwing it away this easily ... it's too hard to find

A Candidate - openly Gay & Living with HIV/AIDS, for Cvg, Ky City CommissionerWriting my Bio: "Coming OUT of Hiding: A Retrospective Journey thru AIDS..."Have a LIVING Trust that runs www.SouthBankHIVe.net & www.MWCLTonline.org

I'll be 55 in March & have never been btr! Have a hobby! smthg that helps/makes you get out of the bed each mornin'

HIV given you chronic, terminal PMS or were you just born a selfish bitch!?The website may have be first authored the year after I was diagnosed and the one that asks for a password? That's to keep out people like YOU! SPAMMING! I'm DAMN PROUD of what I've accomplished Living with HIV, and now that I truly believe that I'm gonna LIVE and ready to get back in the game of LIFE & contribute to society as a whole rather than my own self-interests, I was attempting to share & inspire!

How dare you infect this thread first with rubbish and then with insults towards another member?

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."