Acknowledging the partners feelings.

In fights it is so easy to stay in the attack mode, more shrill, the “f” word gets thrown in with one expletive after another.

The truth is the subject is each side become exacerbated by the inability to deal with the other’s feelings. Explaining the mechanics and the pathology can help. But often there is a complete unwillingness to really accept where the other is coming from. She may be anxious and he can be overwhelmed by her anxiety. He then minimizes it which makes her more anxious.

There is no magic answer except to bring each of the parties back to how handle the others emotions. There is hope when each side can say “I don’t know what to do” At that point it becomes their joint problem, and the question can them move to “What should we do?” Validation should help but that’s often hard to stay with, it’s easy to apply lip service to it, particularly if the partner still feels over whelmed

Humor works but that requires some objectivity which is usually absent at these times.

Having some agreed script or structure may keep the dialogue civil. Being able to pin point a win, and (a) acknowledge it and (b) see if it can be transferred to the current situation. Owning one’s own side like “I like to be anxious” or I want to be overwhelmed” sounds crazy but then we might get to payoff for those feelings.