MASTERS OF THE
UNIVERSE

Halfway
through this live action version of the popular early 1980s kiddies TV show, I wondered
what I had done wrong to deserve all this pain and suffering. Did I pillage
villages in a previous life? Did I decapitate their women and sell their
children into slavery?

Then I realized that I was doing this to myself. All I had to do
was stand up and switch off the TV (there was no remote) and simply leave
like the people I was watching it with did.

Yet, I stuck it through the sight of Dolph Lundgren prancing about semi-naked like Conan
the Barbarian. After a while simply I ran out of jokes about the worst
1980s hairstyles and fashions that I have seen on display in a very long
time.

I stuck it through the overdone heroic symphonic music
score by Bill Conti until I was battered senseless by it. Masters of
the Universe was a Golan/Globus production. They made some of the
worst 1980s movies ever - Superman IV or Missing In Action ring any
bells? This should have warned me: this is the movie that the mad
scientist in Mystery Science Theater 3000
would use on Mike Nelson and his bots.

I stuck through the bad acting (did you spot the girl from Friends?),
the horrible dialogue, the laughable make-up, the sub-Return of the Jedi
laser fire special effects (how on earth did they manage to get legendary
effects man Richard Endlund involved in this?), the ridiculous costumes,
the phony sets, the repetitive action.

Like I said, I could have stood up and switched off the
TV and any point. That doesn't mean I was punished
for past sins - it just means that I am a devout masochist . . .