A self-help book for cats?

Most of us commit to making self-improvements — both small and large — throughout the year. But while we are eating less, exercising more and generally striving to be better humans, what are our feline friends doing to better themselves?

Of course, most self-respecting cats would never admit to needing assistance, but they (and their curious humans) still might want to check out “Who Moved My Mouse? A Self-Help Book for Cats (Who Don’t Need Any Help)” by Dena Harris. This fun and funny guide is filled with advice borrowed from classic self-help texts aimed at addressing some of life’s most purressing questions, including: “Will leaving small animal offerings on my human’s back porch earn me bonus points in heaven?” and “Why do I keep racing from room to room for no apparent reason?”

Cats that are willing to focus their gaze inward (instead of at the ceiling) can hope to improve at least a few of their nine lives. With chapters like “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, But Feel Free to Freak Out Over Anything That Moves Suddenly or Without Warning” and “Stop, Drop, and Claw,” this manual empowers cats to make the “20 minutes they are awake each day the best 20 minutes of their lives.”

Here are a few entertaining excerpts:*

How to Survive When Lost

Freedom isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. If you find yourself outside, wandering unfamiliar territory, remember the following guidelines:</p?

Do Not Panic – Unless it is near dinnertime and no food is in sight. Then, by all means, move into unrestrained terror.

Stay Hidden – It is not your job to find your humans. It is their job to find you. If this requires them to crawl on rooftops, peer into rain gutters and slide on their belly in mud and leaves in the crawl spaces of every house in the neighborhood, calling your name while you remain mute and statue-like in the bushes, so be it. (In fact, if you remembered to bring a video camera, this would be priceless footage.)

Go Vertical – Climb as high as you can to get a view of your surroundings. From a rooftop or top tree limb, the unrecognizable transforms itself into the known. You’re then left with the problem of getting down from the tree, but at least you’re not lost anymore.

How to Avoid Being Punished for Anything, Ever

You’re a good kitty — most of the time. For those times when your halo might waver, it’s good to know how to lay the blame elsewhere.

Pull Big Kitty Eyes – When you’re in deep, pull out the big guns. Open your eyes as wide as possible, wriggle your nose and purr. Nine times out of ten, people will instantly forget whatever it was they were upset about.

Involve the Dog – This ploy is so easy it’s almost criminal. Lead the puppy to the (i.e. broken dish, tilled plant, chewed shoe, crashed computer, etc.) and invite him to play. Wipe any incriminating cat paw prints from the scene with your tail and assume the “I’m as shocked by this behavior as you are” look when your human enters the room and sees Scout happily rolling in plant dirt.

How to Subdue a Human

Humans can turn on you at a moment’s notice. This behavior is most noticeable at night when they roll and flail with no regard for the cat trying to catch a few z’s at the foot of the bed. To corral a human, try the following techniques:

Toe Nipping – A gentle bite on the tootsies reminds humans that they use the bed at your discretion. If they don’t take the hint, feel free to pounce on a wayward foot and wrestle it into submission.

Go For the Package – You male cats know what we mean.

*Reprinted with permission from Who Moved My Mouse? A Self-Help Book for Cats (Who Don’t Need Any Help). Copyright 2010 by Dena Harris, Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, Berkeley, CA. Illustrations 2010 by Ann Boyajian.