Nothing seems to help.
Im up to like 5 cigerattes a day.
I need one now but cant have one.
I feel so gross.
But I want them.
And Im starting to need them.

I feel so..
I dont know how to explain it.
Im not calm or relaxed.
My heart just hurts.

I had a long day today.
I guess its catching up.
The past few days Ive been in a good mood.
Staying really strong with everything that happened and is going on.
Im proud for doing it.
Now Im like..
Second guessing myself.
Should I give it to it?
To her?
I know I cant.
Today I feel so weak though.

I just want to go to bed without crying or thinking about anything.
Tonight is just one of those night where Im looking back and only hurting myself.

I dont want to go to bed feeling weak.
But Im not sure how to change it.

No matter what happens I don't think you'll have gone to bed weak. Yes, you might be feeling it, but for having posted I think you're strong. It isn't easy to write or talk about how we're feeling and it actually takes a lot of strength and courage which you have shown that you have. Whenever you're feeling like this read the last couple of lines that you have written. 'You're not giving in tonight. You can't'. That alone shows your strength.

It can be hard getting some rest when your head is so heavy but writing things down can really help. Try and sit and time yourself, say for either half an hour or an hour and just let yourself sit and write everything that is in your head or that you're feeling down. It's such a great way of clearing your head and just giving yourself some space to...well, breathe. You deserve that rest and you need it too to get up and face the next day.