Erifia Apoc

No. I'm not Aayla Secura. I'm way too cool for that.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Getting closer

(Look, egocentrism has worn off, but not yet, it will be here soon.)I had to get closer to the conspiracy, and I was totally undeniably sure, that Mal was behind the whole thing. His whole locking system on his door was far too much for me to break into. I had to go about a different way.

I went to my ship, storming around trying to figure it out.

“I don’t know,” Becca said, “Maybe you could get him to take you on a date?”

“What do you mean?”

“A date, I don’t know, dinner, talking, you can find out everything you want to know.”

“He wouldn’t like me… I’m not pretty…”

“Whatever… Try a nice dress instead of that dancer’s outfit.”

I went to my back room, and withdrew a black dress. I put it on, and I looked in the mirror. I messed with my lekkus a bit, removed the lightsabers, and other articles I kept on them, and I put them in a *shiver* purse…

“Now, be nice,” Becca said.

“Becca, I want you to follow me, and tape us… okay? Make sure no-one is following me… Okay?”

I left the ship, tripping a bit on the high heels. Gah… Who could actually wear these for pleasure? I tapped on the street, I knew where he would be… The coffee shop… I walked shakily up to it, I saw him reading his paper, I walked up to him, and as sweetly as I could, I said, “Hello, I’ve seen you here several times, and you’ve intrigued me.”

He looked behind him, it had to be part of his innocent act, “I beg your pardon,” he choked out, “I’m flattered by your comment but are you sure you’ve got the right man?”

“Positive, my name is Erifia,” I wasn’t going to tell him my last name, if he had the right connections he could find anything he wanted about me, “And what is your name?” I asked with a smile. It was going to be hard to keep this all straight.

“Mal,” he said offering his hand to me, and I took it, as he set me down in a chair, and said, “If you’d care to join me…”

“Yes of course, thank you,” there was a pause, I didn’t know what to do next, so I made sure the confusion about what the next step was, shone on my face.

He pretty much snapped his fingers to get the waiter to come over, but he didn’t, it was smooth, he was looking at me for my lightsabers, which were hidden in my metal purse, a style that had went out of fashion when my mother was still alive and dancing, “I must admit,” he stated, “I’m not used to women coming up and chatting with me, and from your body language, you aren’t either,” he paused, “May I ask what prompted such an impulsive act,” he smiled over his cup.

“I’ll have a tea,” I said to the waiter, “I’m not quite sure, I had seen you, and you were the only guy who didn’t have a girl with him over here. I thought maybe you were lonely… It sounds silly and stupid, but… I’m sorry…” Erifia… I said to myself, You lie through your teeth. Unfortunately, you’re good at it…

He nodded, and spoke, “So… Erifia…Tell me about yourself.”

“Not much to tell,” I replied, “I was saved from the twi’lek slave ring by a friend, and I’ve worked for him every since… It pays well, I make my own hours, its nice…” And I didn’t even lie.

There was a pause; I wasn’t very good with this flirting thing, “So how long have you been on Coruscant? And what’s your favorite place to go?” He asked.

“About a month now… And I really love Kashyyyk, to be honest, the city unnerves me, but Kashyyyk… That’s a place… And once you can speak and understand wookie, its very fun.”

I smiled at him, “I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this, I’m stupid, really…” I tried to make myself sound bubbly, “Tell me about yourself, and what’s your favorite place to be?”

He paused and got a look on his face, it was clear he was thinking, “I’m not sure, I’ve been a lot of places, but I usually don’t stay long. If I had to pick a place, I’d say Corellia,” he took a drink of his latte, and the waiter set the tea in front of me, “As for myself, nothing terribly exciting. I, like hundreds and thousands of others, work in the military. I’m in my mid 30’s and I like cheesy action holovids.” He forced a smile out.

“I like action holovids. Not as much as comedy ones…” I said, I wasn’t going to tell him why, but, it was because all of my life was an action movie, directed and written by the same idiot who used the same gags over and over, but I love to laugh.

“I’m mid twenties,” I replied softly as if ashamed of my own age because of the difference between us two, I took a sip of the tea. I then poured three teaspoons of sugar into the cup and mixed it, I tasted it. It wasn’t sweet enough so I put two more into it.

“Nothing wrong with your twenties, good time of life, things heal quickly and you’re young enough to have lots of options,” he put down his drink, and checked his watch, there you go Erifia, Stupid as always… Now he’s leaving and you’re no closer than what you started, “Well, Erifia,” boy I saw this coming, “It was a pleasure meeting you, perhaps I’ll see you around?” With that he put some credits on the table, and stood to leave.

“Thank you very much for the tea,” I said softly, “I would like it if sometime you and I could get together…”

If you'll excuse me, I need to go straighten my head out... I might actually like this guy...

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Guest Poster - Becca the Magnificant [Topic: Cleaning...]

I don't know... I think I am a nice person. I don't do too much harm to anyone. Sometimes I yell at Tatooine the Tauntaun. But that's because he doesn't listen, I don't know... Its like so unfair.

Let me get to the unfair part! Okay, so I stepped out to get some choclate covered frozen bananas. When I came back, the whole ship was a mess. I don't know who did it, but I know one thing. That little tauntaun is going to get it!

I went to his room, I tried opening the door, but forgot I had locked it. Like... I don't know, when I opened he was asleep on the bed. I began to look at the ship, it had been ransacked. They skipped the weapons, the numerous light sabers... I don't know. Like they were looking for a paper or a disk.

Which had been thrown about, I may add. So I began to tedious task of cleaning them up, the frozen bananas would have to wait. The first room I hit was the cockpit, it was a mess, they had thrown all the disks of differnt worlds around, and I had to re-orginize them. I don't know Erifia's original orginization scheme, but it like, probably sucked...

The next thing I had to do was clean the common room, the table, chairs, everything had been thrown around, I cleaned it up as quickly as possible. I don't know, I hate cleaning! I think Erifia is right... The universe is out to get you, and I don't know, like... I'm beginning to believe its out to get her, and I'm in the crossfire.

The weapons and filing room. I began to put the papers in alphabetical order, starting with names, worlds, warrants, wanted posters, tasks... And... And...

And...And....

And......

I don't know...

Erifia's latest credit statement... Oh my great googly-moogly. I sat down... I had too... I don't know... I don't know! She gained $100,000 credits in interest. She only pays me, I don't know, like, $75 credits a day, but also room and board. I began to clean faster. It took me two hours to like orginize that mess, and put all the weapons and tools back.

Erifia's room had been totally ransacked, I began to clean it, restuffing the matress. I don't know... She had very few clothes that had been tossed around, mainly dancer outfits. Like, she didn't wear too much covering... It took half an hour... Then I went to my room. It hadn't been touched... I don't know, boy is that confusing.

The whole ship was totally spotless. It sparkled. I opened Tatooine's door. He rushed out, I turned around, and it was a mess...

I don't know... Erifia totally owes me like, such a raise its not even funny.

"I don't know!!!!" I paused... "I mean; Get back in the room!" I screamed, and the tauntaun walked slowly back to the room. It was like, I don't know, not as hard to clean it the second time... But it was well into the night when I was done.

I don't know, I like, ran a bath, with bubbles, and took a good bubble bath... While I enjoyed my frozen banana...

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Hard work and candy

The three men... The ones who had followed Dante, and the ones who were followed by Mal. They have got bad news attached to them. These guys are not nice guys. I've been following them. Just randomly. Like suddenly appearing on the same street. None of them seem to notice me they are kind of off in their own little world.

They were walking through the park, and they split into three directions. It was going to be hard to follow all three of them. So I followed one of them. He walked by a father and son playing catch with the blurnsball. In mid throw from son to father the man grabbed the ball and he broke it, laughed and kept walking. (I shall call this one Blurnsball.)

I'm mean but I'm not even that mean.

I rushed to the other and he was sitting on a bench, he had bread, and he was feeding the ducks. Maybe he's not a such a bad guy afterall. I walked by, and looked at the ducks. They were choking and throwing up. The bread was moldy... The fiend! (I shall call this one Duck.)

Ducks? That's even meaner than Blurnsball.

I, after having been disgusted with both Duck and Blurnsball, I went to the third, hoping he was the awkward one, and was kind to people instead of wicked and nasty to people. When I found him, he was reaching into a baby's stroller and taking his lollypop... How wrong!? I love kids... That's even beyound my comprenshion. (I shall call this guy Lollypop.)

I mean, stealing candy from a baby, how clich'e.

Well, regardles, I now know for sure the type of people I am dealing with. Wicked nasty, clich'ed people. Maybe this won't be as easy as I thought. I mean, if they catch me they might put me in a vat, rested above sharks with... Blasters attached to their head, or maybe tie me to a rope, and let a rat slowly gnaw at it until I am dropped into a vat of electric eels... "Shocking isn't it?" they would ask. Or maybe...

Nevermind... I'm probably just given them ideas...

If you'll excuse me I have to go and make note of these wicked, nasty people.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Presents and a twi'lek man

Okay, okay, okay... So I am deep undercover, posing as a twi'lek dancing girl, okay? I'm working my case without notice, and I think I've found the source of all of Dante's misery...

To keep up my visage, I write this...

Hi, I'm a STF, 21, who is looking for someone who doesn't mind tauntauns and annoying sidekicks. Must like scarcasm. Must Hate Aayla Secura.Right? It sounds very much like me... But that may be a bit of the cover, if I pretend to be Erifia pretending to be a dancing girl, then who would think I am really Erifia?

So, this guy, came into the club, and he watched me dance. Leuba Sapphire... That was my name... That's the one I have been using. So this guy, is a twi'lek, and as far as twi'lek men go, he is moderatly attractive.

I found his name because I am a spy, and it was as simple as paying attention... D'ice... He carries a gun, and he likes to keep it secret, in true Sherlock stlye, I deduced that he was a soldier of some sort.

Three sets to be exact *sigh*. Okay. I assume he didn't know enough about me to realize that I hate fuzzy stuffed bears, and that if you're going to get me flowers, don't make it tiny and pitiful. But the roses... Wow... I kind of sat down in my chair... Nobody had got me roses before.

I took a deep breath... Wow. Amazing. I smelled them, again and again.

No Erifia. You can't... Not until everything is done. I kept telling myself.

What an miserable time for someone to take interest in me. If it had only been a bit later.

*Sigh*

So here's to you D'ice. You should have come a month later. Thanks for the flowers. They made me Ha...Happ....Ha...Hap----py... Hap... Happy...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Paid Vacation: My Dad's Birthday

Okay, I'm sure the boss takes a few reads at this a week. Makes sure I am doing my job. Today I am not. Its My No-good-pig-stealing father of mine's birthday. Rather than make it obvious and just walk right up to my ship, I zig zagged on the way there. No-body ever doubts that I am not being sincere when I zig zag.

Once I got to the ship, Becca and Tatooine didn't realize it was leaving port until we were half way to Ryloth. Once they knew I was on the ship, Tatooine rushed to me, he leapt on my lap. Becca sat down in the co-pilot seat.

"I Don't Know..."

"I know you don't, Becca."

"Mommy, You're back."

"I see you've been using the universal translator dear."

"Yup Mommy. Its me! Your baby."

"I know dear," I replied.

"Where are we going?" Becca asked.

"I am going to see my father, it is his birthday today."

I kicked it into Langorian Super Speed, and we arrived at Ryloth within the hour.

Once there, I locked the doors so not even Tatooine and Becca could get out, and I grabbed the package. I walked to my father's house, and I didn't knock, I kicked open the door. When I did, a woman leapt from my father, I walked in, held my palm to her forhead, "Sleep."

With that she dropped to the ground with an unforcely thud.

"Hello Erifia," he choked out.

"Yeah, whatever. You hate me, I hate you."

"I was trying to be nice."

"Do you really want to, or were you just doing so..."

"What does it matter? I was..."

"I come here, a lot... This is the first time you've ever really spoken to me."

"Yes... Well..."

"So whose she? Another one of your worthless slave girls?"

"Yes."

I tossed him his present. His grubby little chubby hands opened the package, and he looked at it. I had bought him a necklace and a new robe. He tossed them aside...

"I thought you made somewhere near 2 billion credits."

"Oh...Well F... I'm out of here. You ignorant b..."

I bit my lip... I had to, or I was going to curse... And this is a PG Journal.

"You want me for my money?! That's all I've been to you, a financial burden that will take care of itself and supply you with surplus?! Well I got bad news for you, I am poor, and that was the last of my money!"

I smiled to myself (Inside my head), that was a lie all the way down from my stomach.

"Leave my home, I'll have no poor girls in my household."

I knew he couldn't, how easy would it be for him to say, 'If you needed money honey, why didn't you come home?' My mother would have said that.

"You are a ba..."

I turned on my heel, withdrew my lightsaber and cut into his walls on my way out. Once outside, I took a deep breath, and put my lightsaber back in. Boy did that feel good. Almost as good as that time I went into a simulation where all of the clones were Aayla Secura.

If you'll excuse me, I've gotten my angry for the week out of the way, I need to get back to my job,

Friday, July 14, 2006

My baby...

Here's what's going on... I recieved a holo-message, it was sent directly to my Mobile Communication Device that was attacked to my Lekku, it began to beep very loudly. Luckily I was in my room and alone...

After having recieved it, I began to cry. It was sad. I'm going to go kill Becca the Magnificant. She was the only one on my ship who could possibly sent this to me... It makes me miss being home so much more.

I looked around at what i was doing, and I bit my lip. I was so close. So close. Yet so far... So very, very far.

I recorded a holo message myself, this is what it came out to be...

"Tatooine, honey... You're mommy loves you, very, very much. Right now she's been very busy. I miss you, and I think about you everday I am gone. I am trying to hurry. Because I miss you, and Beckers, very much. So when you get this baby, I want you to know your Mommy loves you."

I'm not going to lie, I cried a bit. It was so sweet that he missed me. I wanted to give him a big hug. He's who I tell all my secrets to, and he never ever replied, he just cuddled with me and it made it so it all seemed okay.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Guest Poster - Tatooine the Tauntaun [Topic: I miss my mommy]

The Following has been translated using the Langorian Universal Translator and was recorded using a halo-recording system.

My name is me... My mommy is named Mommy... But there is a girl here... She wears a mask which scares me... Her name is Beckers... Sometimes I don't see Beckers, then I get scared that everyone left me all alone...

My mommy has been gone... Beckers says she is working... I think she's left me forever...

Like last bright thing, I went out looking for my mommy. I found her! I thought she was gone forever, but she was hiding, and when I went up to her instead of hugging me, she only petted my head... I was sad... She said 'I love you.' Then I cheered up, and she walked down an alley.

Like this... The most recent challenge, normally I draw these, but right now I am not feeling too creative...

So... Here's a bit of it...

"I entered the room and all the doors and locks and everything else closed behind me and I heard clicks, slams, locks, chains, hammering, and everything else you can think of to bar up a room.Then the portal activated. It began glowing brightly, and swirling. Very portal-esque. I took a deep breath, and entered through the portal. I looked around, it was an exact copy of the room I was just in except in reverse.Boy do I feel like Alice, but man am I scared of this looking glass.I opened the door, and walked through. It was perfectly the same just opposite… I had to go and find myself. It sounds so familiar to the more recent events in my life. I went to my temporary room, and my shadow self wasn’t there.Wait… If this was the opposite me, than there was only one place for her to be…Outside by the pool.I rushed outside, and I drew my light sabers. She was going to die, I was going to kill her and go home. Simple in out. If I was strong in sabers, she was weak in them, and it was going to be a one sided fight.“Hello Sunshine!” A mirror of myself screamed as she ran up to me wearing a bright pink bikini, “Look at you! Oh my… You’re like so cute… You like know if you wear some pink… It’ll so look like me and we’ll be like twins.” She exclaimed in a sweet sing-song voice that made me want to vomit.Urge to kill rising."Right, got it? Take a read at the whole thing here.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Life and work

I had two things to do today, give Typho an update, and not be noticed. So I did the most classic thing I could do that was secure. I wrote him a letter, picked his lock, went in, and left it on his pillow, This is what it said.

On the envelope it read, "To my oldest and best friend."

The letter itself said,

Dante,Guess what?! I'm being courted by three men, and another. The first three are kindly gentlemen whose Galatic common really isn't that good, I've tried to see if they were really the ones for me, and its been rough going. The other is a man who has name that is uncommon in this day, he seems to know the first three, but he likes to remain mysterious, I think you know him, maybe you've seen him on tv or something, I think we were together when you saw him on TV. I am sure I still don't know who is the right one for me, but I will keep waiting and hoping that one will become clear as the man I want.Your oldest and best friend,Ms. Leuba Sapphire.I exited without incident and blended back out into the streets.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Memory; Mission to find the Paparazi (Save DJK)

"Where does this clue lead us?" Barriss asked to no-one really, I looked at her as she spoke, then I decided it was better off if I took a look around, “Not a lot to go on.” I said to them, and by them I mean Barriss and Anakin.

Anakin exclaimed, "Think about it. Where would a Wookie get a haircut? The Shaven Wookie Salon on Kashyyyk!"

I’m sure Barriss and I in perfect unison were thinking, ‘How he ever figured that out, I'll never know.’

When I glanced at Barriss, it was clear she had been.

I kept queit, I really was just the strong arm, trying to keep in the back and under the radar, nothing at all bothering me, just knowing that when it came to fighting and evading I had it in the bag. It was really Ani’s quest, and I was in it to help him.

"Where are Jedi Erifia Apoc, and Jedi Barriss Offee," screamed a voice coming from my ship."I don't know...they left and I stayed with the ship." Replied my wonderful and intelligent sidekick, Becca the Magnificent, that’s a girl, tell them nothing. Say ‘I don’t know’ a lot!

But my sidekick was in trouble, and as much as she could handle her own self by confusing them, I knew I had to do something so I drew my light sabers waited to extend them, sneaking towards the ship.'I know that voice,’ I heard in my head, 'It won't be wise to rush up to her with our lightsabers activated. Unless you really want to be in front of the council explaining why, for I do not want that and neither should you. Just let me do the talking and follow my lead.' Barriss was pleading with me not to hurt this woman….Naturally I was a kill now, and explain why I did it later type of person. But it was important to Barriss so I thought in my head, because I’m sure she had tapped me somehow 'I won't... But be prepared, I'm ready for a fight.’ I seethed, as Barris spoke in my head again, 'I don't like the way this looks...not at all!''Who is this woman and why is she yelling at Becca?' I screamed in my head so Barriss would get the crystal clear picture I was painting.

She stopped me by a hand signal, I was trying to trust Barriss here, so I waited. Barriss’ eyes went blank, and I stared at her for a moment, ‘Calm down Erifia, Becca’s not hurt, just scared. I know this woman, I’ve seen and heard her back at the temple, and so have you…’ she told me. I think she was trying to calm me down… I didn’t… I asked, “You mean to tell me that’s a Jedi knight assaulting my sidekick?”“Yes, can’t you feel her?” Barriss asked me.

“I thought she was dark scum or worse yet, sith scum…” I told her as I spat the words from my mouth. I seethed again, I want to save my sidekick, she’s in trouble, and its my job to make sure she’s okay…

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Guest Poster - Becca the Magnificant [Topic - Tatooine's Day out.]

I know this is sooo going to sound like Erifia, but life sucks. I don't know... Like, here's what my past few days have been...

Without Erifia here, Tatooine, her tauntaun, freaks, and cries because no one is feeding him or petting him, right? I don't know what it is, but whenever I go to feed him, he spits out the food. Right? So... That sucks...

He doesn't sleep at night, he only sleeps during the day, and like, I don't know, it so weird, because I sleep at night. So I have to be up during the day, and up during the night for this tauntaun...

Well, Erifia has a great number of mechanical and scientific tools on here, some she doesn't even know about. So Tatooine, like so went and got a Langorian universal translator, and somehow activated it around his neck, and he ran to the door, and ran out it.

I was napping at the time, so... You can imagine my surprise when I woke and found the tauntaun not there... Erifia was going to kill me.

I rushed outside, and realized I was wearing just the most basic of coverings, my face turned red, and I ran back inside. I threw on my trademark outfit and rushed out...

"I don't know where my tauntaun is!" I yelled, and everybody acted like it was nothing.

I ran forward... There was a site under construction, and I don't know, but I thought I saw him, and when I got on the elevator to go up, it stopped about fifteen feet away from him, where he was with a construction worker...

"Aren't you a cute little Tauntaun," he said.

"Whatcha doing?" Tatooine asked.

"Eating lunch."

"Why?"

"Because I'm hungry."

"Why?"

"Because my body has already broken down all the nutrients out of my breakfast, and with the exceptionally hard labor I do when I work it realizes it needs more, so it tells me to eat so I can replenish my energy."

"Why?"

"Because the human body's ultimate goal in the world is to survive, so it will do everything it can to do so."

"Why?"

"Because that's the way life works."

"Okay, I love you, bye bye," Tatooine ran down the berms, and the construction worker said, "Man that was a cute tauntaun."

I leapt from them, and I missed, and I fell straight down. Then I hit a canvas tent, and it shot me back up, and I grabbed the berm, and pulled myself up. I chased after Tatooine, and I heard wolf whistles coming from all the construction workers.

Tatooine then leapt off the side, and he landed on his feet, three stories down, and he ran into the street. I saw three to four vehicles coming, and I winced my eyes... I looked down, and I saw that he wasn't hit because he was small and they were all hovering.

I ran down on the street, and I don't know, I think I leapt on top of vehicles, or maybe I rolled, I don't know, I made it across the street, and by the time I got there, Tatooine had wrecked a glass shop, a pottery shop, and a pizza palor, the owners of which all came out, and said, "Isn't that a cute tauntaun."

I rushed after him, and I leapt, and almost caught him by the tail, but I missed, and hit the ground with a thump.

A kind gentleman helped me up, and handed me a sheet of paper. I was too focused to get a look at him, but that wasn't important. I ran after Tatooine, and when I finally found him, he was walking beside somebody wearing a black cape, an blueish hand came out, and patted it's head, and then, I don't know, Tatooine stopped, and the black caped person, I don't know, kind of ducked into an alley and disapeared. I leapt again and this time I caught Tatooine... I tried to go down the alley, but I didn't let him.

I don't know, but I took him to the ship...

I opened up the piece of paper, and it said, "Cpt. Picard, USS Starship Enterprise, 9-601 - 555 - 3025 Ext. #001."

Star Wars and all related characters are trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd. This site is intended as a parody. As such, use of copyrighted and trademarked images is allowed under Fair Use. Erifia Apoc, Becca the Magnificant and Tatooine the Tauntaun, are all characters made by the author, using some Lucasfilm Ltd. Ideas.