This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Although it is no longer forbidden by Canon Law, many priests are unhappy about baptising babies with names that
are neither Biblical nor the names of saints: for example, Jay-Z, Harper Seven, or Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.

Some say that "Tiger" was given her name because she was stripy.

Pope Francis has noted these concerns, and has agreed to do a "bulk-canonization" of dead people with
particularly silly names, so that in future Catholic parents will be able to use them without
embarrassment. These may include non-Catholics of a particularly saintly reputation.

St Groucho.

An addition to people with
silly names, the Pope is also planning to canonize representative people called Darren, Tracey, Barack,
Harrison, Rock, Whoopi and Beyoncé, which are all popular names amongst modern Catholics.

Some people would draw the line at a St Eeyore.

In a powerfully-worded editorial in the Tablet, Catherine Pepinster has argued that the Holy Father is not
going far enough, and that names such as Tablet, Homophobia and Why-Won't-They-Ordain-Women should also be allowed. In a sense this
is a return to the Victorian age, when names such as Chastity, Cleanliness and There-Is-No-Salvation-Outside-The-Methodist-Church
were commonly given to babies. However, at present the Catholic Church is trying to avoid out-and-out silliness.

It has been reported that Mr Justice King (real name not Joe, but Tim) has upheld the
sacking of science teacher
Robert Haye by Deptford Green School after he told children that homosexual
activity was disgusting and a sin, according to the Bible.

A Bible - don't tell kids what's in it, eh, Joe?

It is surprising that Mr King has a particular antipathy to the Bible, as it contains
various other passages which show him in an undeservedly favourable light, such as:

Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth. Psalm 2:10.

A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes. Proverbs 20:8.

Mr Justice King scattereth away all evil with his eyes.

But perhaps the good judge is more worried that the following verse may become well known:

They are all hot as an oven, and have devoured their judges; all their kings are fallen: there is none among them that calleth unto me. Hosea 7:7.

A fallen king, having been kneed in the groin by a bishop (probably Philip Egan).

Although Mr Haye is perfectly correct in pointing out that homosexual acts
are regarded in a somewhat dim light by the Bible, he is on dodgier ground
when he says "anyone who worships on Sunday is basically worshipping the Devil."
So, if you wish to worship the Devil, Mr King, it's the second Wednesday in the month only (coffee is available after the service).

Devil worship (er, basically, that is).

We must not leave without mentioning one of Joe King's finest moments as a lawyer
(apart from this one, of course). It seems that in 2006 he happily defended BNP leader Nick Griffin on charges of inciting racial hatred. Admittedly, in their
pursuit of money, lawyers are often expected to defend people whose views they don't
agree with. I couldn't find an acceptable photo of Nick Griffin, so here is
the next best thing.

The acceptable face of griffinhood.

It has not yet been determined in a court of law whether it is acceptable for
schoolteachers to tell their classes that Mr Justice King is a complete
idiot. Perhaps they will be able to work it out for themselves.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

So we reach Chapter 2 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in
simple terms to an atheist called Richard who hasn't yet got the hang of it.
We started with Genesis, remember.

Our story resumes in Egypt.

In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully
enough
about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down
slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.

Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues,
and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little
unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever
they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it
legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...

An upset police dog.

Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He
doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.

Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very
important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses
helps them
escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.

Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.

Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the
Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god
that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were
going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you
take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we
don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.

If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?

Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this
business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in
Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree
with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences,
are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then
President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.

Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.

Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the
third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed)
deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that
if the Israelites behave themselves, then
they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.

The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle,
regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with
this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but
it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.

Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.

So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of
the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot
less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's
finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey
aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all,
cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially,
whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and
screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains
after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very
good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and
so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of
Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself
de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in
Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a
big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been
invited to become a deacon myself.
I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot
told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is
give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal
detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact
de trainin won't take long, as it aint
very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a
friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and
woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not
entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

What is this sinister organization known only as Catholic Voices - is it linked to
the Freemasons, Opus Dei, Mafia or the North Korean government? In a special guest post,
Damian Thompson expresses his concerns.

The Faceless Kathleen Griffin (official CV portrait).

Whenever the media wish to hear the views of a Catholic on one of the major
religious
issues of our day - for example, the election of Pope Francis, the government's
attempts to redefine marriage, or whether coleslaw is so called because it
resembles the inane
witterings of the Rev. Richard Coles - you can be sure that Catholic Voices will
worm its way onto the airwaves.

A sinister albino monk - is he the power behind Catholic Voices?

Oh, they wouldn't let me join, would they? They said I had a squeaky voice and
couldn't be relied on not to storm out of the studio if challenged by
Peter Hitchens. Wasn't it simply that they were scared that, if they taught me the funny handshake
and the secret passwords, I could expose them to the world?

Austen "Ronnie Corbett" Ivereigh - told me to grow up.

Look at the people involved: Jack Valero (Opus Dei), Caroline Farrow (mother of 12, and
bullying commentator on my blog), Peter Williams (Right to Life), ... well, the list
speaks for itself. Then look at how they are funded - by donations from
individuals and organizations. That's very mysterious, don't you think?

Robert Mugabe - a prominent Catholic. Does he donate to CV?

Paul Priest, Archbishop of Corby, adds his own concerns.

Brilliant article, Damian! Have you noticed that many of the Catholic Voices
people are converts? This means that, say ten years ago, they may have been
atheists, Muslims, Satanic fire-worshippers... who knows what? Do we really
want Satanic fire-worshippers speaking out for the Catholic church?

On the side of the angels...

What's more they promote the
time-bomb of Vatican II-type liturgical/doctrinal/moral Vichyist revisionism. Trust me, I know an ontological paradigm shift when I see it - we were warned about them
in the encyclicals of Pope Benedict XVI, which I've read from cover to cover, not to
mention the complete works of Dan Brown.

Now, moving as I do in fashionable liberal circles, I sometimes find myself
challenged by old-fashioned Biblical teaching, such as "Thou shalt avoid
brouhaha," and I expect my guests will have something to say on the subject!

Fun for all the family!

Dennis, perhaps you'd like to start! Were you shocked by all the fuss made about
your infringements of the law?

DN: Yes, indeed, Richard. People focus on my serial killing without mentioning
the fact that I am able to bake fantastic home-made chocolate eclairs.

RC: Yes, such an obsession with your extra-curricular activities does seem to be uncalled-for. Well, I love chocolate eclairs too. Rosemary,
do you have any good recipes you'd like to share with us?

Guess which serial killer made this delicious eclair!

RW: Well not really. I only accepted your invitation to come on this
programme because I was told that I'd be meeting Kermit Gosnell. He's
a real hero of mine.

RC: Sorry, Rosemary, we couldn't get him. He's been booked to do Thought for the Day, instead. Now, Ian, I gather you're interested in fell-walking...

Friday, 26 April 2013

The Bank of England has announced that Archbishop Vinston Nichill of Westminster, who
led England and Wales to victory against the forces of
modernism and secularism during the dark days of 2013, is to appear on the new £5 note.

"I have nothing to offer..."

Sir Mervyn King, governor of the Bank, announced the plan today. From 2016,
Nichill will be portrayed on the £5 note along with a picture of Westminster, the scene of so many
of his triumphs.

It is expected that people will soon start to refer to the £5 note as "Nichols,"
which is, curiously, how Americans refer to their 5-cent coin. It is believed that
the two will soon be worth roughly the same.

Mervyn King went on to hint that other church leaders may feature on future
banknotes. "Welby, Sacks, ... why even Kieran Conry or Giles Fraser could be chosen!"
he quipped.

Vinston Nichill himself received the news humbly: "In the battle for a red hat, this
is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the
end of the beginning."

Happy citizens in Warwick Street, the scene of one of Vinston's greatest triumphs.

1. So the year of Our Lord two thousand and thirteen arrived, and Richard said unto
himself, "What deranged things can I do now?"

2. For he was a man of great years and great wealth, but he was bored.

3. He said unto himself, "I have attacked the Catholics, but they laugh at me. Yeah, and
they write books such as The Dawkins Delusion, and The Blind Dawkins, yeah, and even The Selfish Dawkins, which mock me."

4. Thus he resolved to attack the Muslims as well. Which was actually rather
courageous, because the Muslim turneth not the other cheek as a rule. Indeed
in some cases his wrath waxeth exceeding hot.

A humble Muslim bringeth gifts to Richard Dawkins.

5. So Dawkins spake loudly on the Twitter, which hath the advantage
that it may be used from a bunker deep underground, and condemned the Muslims.

6. For forty days and forty nights he condemned them and insulted them. Until
people said, "If Richard hateth Islam so, then perhaps there's something to be
said for it after all?"

7. And there was a man named Meh-di Ha-san, of the hosts of Puff-ing-ton, who
was himself a Muslim.

8. So Richard cried out, saying "Let him not speak! For he believeth in wing-ed
horses."

Cry "Mehdi! Mehdi!" and this horse will come and rescue you.

9. But the disciples of Richard cried "Shame! Shame! After all, it is only the
New Statesman, which no man readeth anyway."

10. And some men began to question whether Richard was really infallible,
as they had always believed.

11. After this setback, Richard was sore distressed, but his heart was
uplifted when
a prestigious magazine, the Beano, named him as the world's top thinker.

12. To which Richard responded with eloquence, saying, "D'oh..."

The runner up in the "top thinker" poll.

13. For, as it is written in the book of Eccles-iastes, the race is not to the swift, nor even to the clever, but simply to the
one with the greatest publicity machine and his own sycophantic website.

14. For otherwise, one might have given the prize to one of many Nobel
prize winners, or Fields medallists, or distinguished writers and scholars.

15. Why, they might have given it even to Joseph Ratzinger, he that is called Pope Emeritus.

16. And Richard rejoiced exceedingly, saying "The Beano hath spoken. I am
indeed the greatest thinker of our time, greater even than Stephen Fry, or Joan
Bakewell, or Melvyn Bragg."

17. "What is more, I am modest as well; for when a man praiseth me, I publish his
words on my website, and on Twitter, and on a big notice-board outside my
house in Oxford. But otherwise I hold my peace."

Thursday, 25 April 2013

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have chosen a children's
hymn today; this means that is it performed at "family services," and
will drive to drink anyone over the age of about 6.

If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings.

Eccles: So, welcome, Brian Howard, author of "If I were a butterfly."
Yours is a wonderful hymn - I heard it sung in the London Oratory recently, to the
Gregorian chant Si papilio essem. Or was it a Bach cantata? I forget.

BH: Thank you so much, Eccles. It's great to be recognised on a blog of this distinction.

E: Do butterflies actually thank the Lord for giving them wings, Brian? Or
are you supposing yourself to be trapped in a butterfly's body? In which case wouldn't you be saying "O Lord, get me
out of here!"?

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Following the water attack on Archbishop André-Joseph Léonard of Mechelen-Brussels, by
topless "Femen" protestors from Kiev,
unwilling to tolerate Catholic teaching on homosexuality (and
probably almost everything else), atheists
have decided that the best way to get their message across is to strip off.
The first Atheists' Nude Calendar is already being prepared.

Archbishop! Buy our calendar!

Said a prominent atheist, Prof. Brian Cox of Manchester: "The production of J/ψ mesons is studied in pp collisions at √s=7 TeV with the CMS experiment at the LHC. The measurement is based on a dimuon sample corresponding to an integrated luminosity of 314 nb−1. The J/ψ differential cross section is determined, as a function of the J/ψ transverse momentum, in three rapidity ranges. Which basically means, 'If I strip
off it will persuade more people to take me seriously.'"

Brian Cox, March's Calendar Boy.

Of course, female atheists are also anxious to
contribute their charms to the cause of denying God in the home. Said Polly Toynbee of the Guardian, "Recently, I haven't been stripping off so much, but
I am allowing the
producers of the calendar to use an old photo taken in my wilder student days."

Polly Toynbee (Miss December) in her student days.

Another exhibitionist, er, I mean selfless contributor to the cause of
atheism, is Stephen Fry, who posted on Twitter: Whooooooooooooop!!!!! Life is so rich and varied. Lovely Stephen, you're a naughty boy! Bless!

Stephen Fry (August), also posted his bathtime video on Youtub.

But what of Richard Dawkins, the "Unholy Father" of British atheists? Will he be
baring all for the sake of persuading people that God does not exist?
No, so far he is remaining modestly covered up, to the annoyance of his
fellow-atheists. Some people are just shy and self-conscious, don't you find?

Even when he goes swimming, Richard keeps his shirt on.

So far it seems unlikely that any Christian organizations will be producing
a rival nude calendar, although Giles Fraser has declared himself "willing
to strip off if the money's good enough."

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

April 23rd is St George's day, so if your real name happens to be
Jorge Mario Bergoglio, or if you are English, Greek, Catalan, Bulgarian (and a whole lot more),
or live in Preston (yes, really), Genoa, Rio (and a whole lot more), then
you will be dancing in the streets today!

Of course, if you are a dragon, you will not be celebrating.

Some people who will not be celebrating quite so enthusiastically are the good folk of Bury St Edmunds. Until the
middle ages, Edmund was the patron saint of England (he blogged under the name On the side of the Angles), and like George he was a martyr.
Still, there is nothing to stop you wearing a sugar-beet in your button-hole on
November 20th if you do wish to honour this great Suffolkman.

The Vikings win this round.

Georgia, Egypt, Romania, ... but not Ireland, of course, where St Patrick is
celebrated. He's known for driving all the snakes out of Ireland, which
seems to be slightly easier than driving all the dragons out of England - unless
there weren't very many in the first place. But we must not forget Preston.

St George's church, Preston. Note the absence of dragons.

Ethiopia, Portugal, Iraq (???) ...
Anyway, the villain of our story is the Emperor Diocletian, who for some
reason didn't like Christians. "Nasty, vile, bigots!" he called them. Nothing changes
much, does it? So on April 23rd 303 he tortured St George a little, just to make
things more interesting, and then decapitated him. Probably a simple death from
Viking arrows would have been more enjoyable.

St George, as seen by the Vatican.

Well, let's see the St George's flag, in its most usual manifestation - at least
in England. Whenever the England football (soccer) team is in distress, which is
every two years or so, the whole
nation prays to St George - which is tough luck if the opponents are
India, Ukraine, Serbia, ...

List of awards this blog has won

Best blog by an idiotBest blog by someone who is truly savedBlog most read by saved peopleCruellest blog attacking saintly pious peopleMost spiritual blog by a sockpuppetKieran Conry prize for virtue, modesty and humilityPottymouth Times award for the nastiest blog everStupidest pictures ever seen on a blogLeast read blog of 2015 (2nd prize to Bruvver Bosco)Tina Beattie medal for promoting orthodoxy"Utter filth" (Sheds and Shedmen, Croydon)

Bishop of Lancaster's cup for well-placed ad hominem attacks

Eccles has been named as one of the 100 most influential saved people in Notting Hell, by the prestigious Calumny Chapel Parish Newsletter.