Family Guy/Season 9

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century Fox. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation do not claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century Fox, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.

Cat: [imitates Patrick Stewart] We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor.

Derek: Our apologies, sir.

Cat: I should imagine so. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some papers to correct.

Herbert: Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose if I should die, then I just want you to know that, they might find some things. Strange things that don't make much sense to ya.

Chris: Um, okay.

Herbert: And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know from me, it's all gonna be out of context.

Chris: Um...what does that mean?

Herbert: (frantically) It means if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

Brian: Muriel? [opens next door] Muriel? Muriel? [sniffs] Nothing.

Stewie: Well, you actually know what she smells like?

Brian: I know what everybody smells like.

Stewie: Carl?

Brian: Cheetos.

Stewie: Mort?

Brian: Pennies.

Stewie: Derek?

Brian: Brut.

Stewie: Joe?

Brian: Feces.

Stewie: Consuela?

Brian: Pledge.

Stewie: Seamus?

Brian: Wood.

Stewie: Quagmire?

Brian: Wood.

Stewie: Wow.

Brian: You know, I..have to admit, before this Muriel thing, I-I thought you might be the murderer.

Stewie: Oh, my God! So insulted. Y-- Trust me, if this were my work, it would be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods?

Brian: How?

Stewie: I would have electrocuted him causing a temporary paralysis, and while he was still conscious but unable to move, I would've reached into his anus and pulled out his lower intestine slowly, hand over hand like a fancy magician scarf trick. Then I would fashion the intestine in a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas stocking stuffer...and then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace, I'd point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?" And stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier. Oh, I forget to tell you, he picked a card earlier.

Brian: Wow! You're an artist.

Stewie: Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up.

Quagmire: Wait a minute... something's not right here. [sniffs] We're short one vagina in this room!

Lois: Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.

Brian: Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.

Lois: You want to know what I think is happening here?

Brian: Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.

Lois: I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.

Brian: Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.

Lois: You make me sick, Brian.

[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]

Brian: Does this mean I'll never see you again?

Rush: Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.

Tom: Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Wetherton: Ah, I think that they are, they are gonna have, they are gonna be fightin' Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be better than usually.

Tom: And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?

Wetherton: Well, the match lasting about up until the particular inaccuracy, but particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, heart of a champion, margarine hat.

Tom: Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.

[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]

Penguin: You wanna get a book published, don'tcha?

Writer: Well, yes.

Penguin: Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.

[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]

Huffington: I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.

Brian: Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! You excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.

[her eyes fill with tears]

Quagmire: That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.

Stewie: Uh-oh.

Quagmire: Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?

Brian: Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

Quagmire: Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?

Brian: Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.

Quagmire: Who said anything about dying?

Abby: Uncle Glenn, am I dying?

Quagmire: [holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, unhappily gritting his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get outta here.

[Brian and Stewie do so]

Stewie: Should've gone into politics, Bri.

Ron: The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone wanna buy some pot?

Drew: Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.

[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]

Drew: All right. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?

Peter: Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!

Tom: This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians where, he'd say: Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?

Peter: Now, I know some teachers think they're workin' outside the box when they have class on the lawn, but I'm gonna take it a step further. We're gonna do peyote in the desert.

[cut to Monument Valley; an eagle flies through the sky; Peter drives with Chris and Meg through the desert; clouds pass through the sun; Peter, Chris, and Meg walk on the sand; Peter and Chris look at each other, overwhelmed]

[Darth Vader arrives on the second Death Star with a group of passengers]

Vader: Oh, my God. That was absolute hell! I just-- I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

[Roger as Moff Jerjerrod enters]

Moff: Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home?

Vader: Wow, it's you? Are we already out of our own characters?

Tiaan: What?

Vader: How's the construction going?

Tiaan: Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?

Vader: Yeah.

Tiaan: Well, now there's no trench.

Vader: Great. Is there a hole?

Tiaan: [pause] Yes.

Vader: What?

Tiaan: There is.

Vader: Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives.

Tiaan: The Emperor is coming here?

Vader: Yeah, he loves this place. I was there when he came up with the idea for the Death Star.

[flashback to Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader at the Mos Eisley Cantina]

Emperor: Hey, Darth? Darth?

Vader: Yeah? What?

[the Emperor draws a circle on his coaster]

Emperor: That. That's what.

Vader: What? It's a circle. It's a good circle, I'll give you that.

Emperor: No. No, no. Space station.

Vader: What?

Emperor: Yep.

Vader: What?

Emperor: Yep, it is.

Vader: No way!

Emperor: It is. It is. Big time.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century Fox. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundationdo notclaim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.