Weekend in Review: Linda Blair and Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo House Party

Sometimes one kid has a weekend that was the equivalent of being jumped by Linda Blair, Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo and Mike Tyson in a dark alley and the other got to ride a unicorn down a rainbow into a pot of gold.

You could say that Sweets and Noggin did not have a comparable weekend. One was pooping and puking everywhere and the other was getting face painted at festivals and watching Mary Poppins while eating unlimited Cheezit’s.

We started out having plans for a great family weekend. We were headed out to the Alexandria Arts on the Avenue Festival and then over to a friends house for dinner, someone I haven’t seen in around 20 some odd years.

And then about .5 seconds before we were out the door, the stench hit.

Sweets: “Mommy, what’s that smell?”

Me: “I don’t smell anything…whoa! I dont’ know! Where is that coming from?”

That is when I noticed that Noggin was leaving a trail of ill smelling ooze in her wake.

Me: “Oh holy mother….” as I rush to hold on and contain the poop factory.

Sweets: “ewwww! the smell!!!” as she buries her face in the couch cushion.

Of course, I’d just packed away the wipes and diapers and they were in a bag in the kitchen. But I couldn’t let go of the poop maker lest she use it as face paint OR get it all over my outfit and who has time to change??

Me: “Sweets, go get the wipes and throw them over here!”

Sweets: “NO!!! The smell! It stinks soo bad!!” comes the muffled face in the pillow voice.

Me: “If you go into the kitchen you’ll be out of this stench filled room.”

Sweets: “The smell! I can’t move!”

So now I am wondering just where Pi has gone off to.

Me: “Sweets, where is daddy?”

Sweets: “He’s upstairs pooping!

What is wrong with my family???

We finally get her cleaned up and then come downstairs to find Sweets spraying the floor with cleaner and cleaning the entire living room floor. Definitely the spawn of Pi, that little sweeper. The kicker though?

Sweets: “Hey! Don’t step on my clean floor!”

OMG.

So Sweets and I head out off to the festival while Pi stays home with Noggin, because clearly staying home with a pooping child is more appealing than hitting up an arts festival in 98 degree October weather followed by a 20+ year catch up gab fest with a friend.

I think that 15 minutes later he was feeling differently. This is the picture I get:

Did she go 10 rounds with Tyson???

Seems that a whole helluva lot went wrong in around a 10 second span of time. The dog was barking furiously at the door, so Pi put his beer down on a tray table and went to see what was outside, which turned out to be like falling leaves or a bird.

There was a loud crash, a scream, and Noggin had tried to pull herself up to stand on the tray table and was unsuccessful, resulting in a black eye.

Me: “And did she have another pooptastrophe? She’s in a different outfit?”

Pi: “Well, when she took down the table, the unopened can of beer got punctured and she got doused.”

Me: “So, she’s pooped on the floor, gotten a black eye and been covered in beer. So her Saturday has sort of been like hanging out in a frat house.” (I would LOOOOVE to take credit for that analogy, but my friend Amy actually pointed out the similarity of Noggin’s day and that of living in a frat house).

In the meantime, Sweets is running around with one of her besties getting her painted tattoo’s, painting pumpkins and making spin art.

I got to hang out with an old friend in the awesome sunroom of her house while her husband made us dinner while the kids played out of sight in the basement.

I think we all know who scored here in the “had a better weekend” category for the parents.

Child with the Fun Weekend:

Child with the Linda Blair/Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo House Party:

This is NOT my kind of house party….

A strep test is NOT the way to end the weekend….(ignore my smile, it was not laughing)

A prescription for popsicles is more like it…

Now Pi has the Linda Blair/Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo House Party and I am staying clear away from him because I am supposed to go to the beach BY MYSELF this weekend. He is SUPPOSED to take the girls on a road trip to Rhode Island to visit his family, which if this House Party is still going on with him ALL. COULD. BE. RUINED.