Pages tagged Countdown

In what constitutes conclusive evidence that the media will make headlines out of anything, several outlets ran headlines indicating that Rick Santorum would drop out of the race [hold your breath, here comes the shocker]... if Romney got enough delegates to lock down the GOP nomination. Yeah, like we were all under the impression, before this headline, that the losers would continue to fight for the nomination after someone had won. Then again, in the media’s defense, you could totally see Newt Gingrich campaigning well into June of 2013, regardless of what happens.

The proper reaction to the discovery of a systemic problem of Islamophobia in the country’s leading law enforcement agency is: (a) full disclosure of the materials used, (b) the retraining of all agents who underwent training that stereotyped Arab Americans and American Muslims as threatening, and (c) a public apology from the FBI for allowing such absurd materials to make it into their trainings in the first place. To emphasize the seriousness of this issue, we’re going to skip the joke on this one.

Are you disturbed by the PATRIOT Act’s civil rights transgressions? Wait until you hear this: The Justice Department apparently has an even more intrusive interpretation of their powers under the PATRIOT Act; one which, "Contrary to core principles of American democracy" (in the words of Senators Wyden and Udall), they refuse to disclose to the American people.

For a while there, we thought Gingrich’s anti-Muslim rhetoric was motivated by cheap political pandering to the growing bigoted sentiments on the far right, but now we understand he’s just trying to restore the balance destabilized by all this extra protectiveness of Islam. Thanks Newt!

No AIPAC edition of Countdown would be complete without Jon Stewart’s brilliant take on The Daily Show on how criticizing Israel is taboo in American political discourse, while perfectly fine in Israeli politics. “Apparently in Israel,” he said, “you are allowed to criticize Israel and still hold public office."

When American troops burned Qurans in Afghanistan, the U.S. military sensibly apologized for the mistake. Well, Gingrich is not happy about that (the apology, not the Quran-burning) because apologizing amounted to American “surrender.” Yup, in Gingirch’s world, nations are all 13 year old boys who must prove they’re tough by never apologizing when they screw up.

But don’t worry; Santorum’s press secretary Alice Stewart explained that this was all a misunderstanding: Santorum wasn’t attacking the President’s faith, just his “radical Islamic policies.” Oh, thank God it’s just his radical Islamism; for a second there it sounded like Santorum was questioning the President’s faith. Stewart later said she misspoke and was actually trying to say “radical environmental policies.” Nicely done, Ms. Stewart, nicely done! If you ever find yourself in trouble and in need of damage-control, you know who to hire. “Your honor, my client wasn’t trespassing through his neighbor’s backyard, he was just trying to burn his house down.”

Whether you’re upset today because you hate participating in the commercial industry of love, or because can’t think of an original Valentine’s gift (heart-shaped chocolate box is just fine), or because the world is reminding you that nobody loves you (don’t believe it, we’re sure someone does), today still means something very different to you than it does for Bahrain.

The consequences were tragic: immediately following Santorum’s remarks, over a billion and a half Muslims died of laughter. We at Countdown encourage the remaining ones (when done mourning, of course) to let Santorum know that equality is kind of a familiar concept to them, and that the God of Abraham is actually their God too.