After over five years of being heavily medicated for my bipolar illness, I am just crazy enough to go off the meds and try to conceive. With a whole team of professionals monitoring my progress and an amazingly compassionate husband to catch me when I fall, I am ready to start trying to get pregnant. This is my journey through the insane process...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Nothing less than pathetic

I have been sick for the past week with a severe cold, I am tired, and I am growing increasingly unstable. On Friday, I talked with my therapist about my struggles. She suggested that I ask for help. A great idea, but it's a bit more complicated than that. I can't ask for help, or rather, I can't deal with the consequences of asking for help. I don't ask for help for the same reason that I don't invite others over to my house or host parties. I am terrified that no one will show up.

After that meeting with my therapist, I did take a friend up on her offer to come over and hold Pepper while I got a few things done around the house. It seemed like a safe first step to learning how to ask for help. She doesn't have any children herself and by all of her accounts her schedule is very open and flexible. She agreed to come over for coffee this morning. She never showed up or even called. So much for trying to overcome my fear.

Paying someone isn't even an option. Having only one income is quickly catching up with us, and it is only by the power of persuasion with the gas company that our gas and electricity is still turned on. So the suggestion that we get a sitter seems pretty ridiculous when our budget for food for a single week is $20 and I can't go to see my psychiatrist because I don't have the $130 to pay for the visit.

It's all starting to build now. I am frustrated. I feel defeated by mommyhood, my bipolar illness, and this cold. I need some continuous sleep. I need a break. I need some help, but I am terrified to ask.

12 comments:

Where do you live? Because I would be there in a minute if I could. I totally understand where you are right now because I am there too. Feeling this way while trying to take care of children at the same time is so hard. My only suggestion for help would be a local Mom's clubhttp://momsclub.org/I joined our local chapter when A was born and if anything it gave me a reason to get out weekly for his playgroups. Some even have a free babysitting coop. I feel bad giving any advice at all to you because it feels like the blind leading the blind. But just know you are not alone in this and I am here whenever you want to talk. cate.is.great @ gmail.com

Really. Or I can call you. You can drop Pepper off here, or I can come get her.

Just to say that the Mama's Mutual Aid Society thing really can work, but it takes time to build the networks. I'm going to be babysitting this week for the newly-single mom of one of Primo's friends - she got called out of town overnight for work. She's the one who took my kids after school on the days I was out of town for that funeral.

Mommyhood is so new to you. You're doing so freakin' well by Pepper - anyone who sees her can tell that! Can I help you do well by yourself?

Do you have a MOPS chapter near you? Or a Mom's club? That is one way to meet other Mom's and set up a playdate, or babysitting trade (free). Also, if you live close to a College or University, sometimes early childhood ed majors will babysit on the cheap.I am so sorry you feel so bad, and listen..you are NOT alone...I am constantly completely overwhelmed with motherhood. This shit is no joke.Wish I lived closer....

I have felt similar: overwhelmed and alone. Isolated. It is very hard. I really wish I had someone to help me and that I could help you. I don't have money for a babysitter either, but that seems to be the first suggestion people have. I had a bad cold and so did Bean three weeks ago and it was very difficult.

I'm not sure where you live, but if it is near Boston, I would be more than happy to help. Please let me know.

Maybe a neighbor you could swap time with, say a grocery store run for the both of you while they watch Pepper? Maybe a co-op arrangement if you know anyone else with children--they take her for a day, you take theirs for another day?

Is she on solids yet? If not, that can help her sleep longer so you could sleep more. Bean's been on solids for two weeks now and she's starting to sleep a bit longer.