Another March 11 has rolled around, and it seemed fitting to check in. I’m a bit surprised by how much traffic this blog still gets and figured that the universe was due an update.

Today doesn’t have me feeling as bummed as one might expect, given that it is a special day for SH and I, and would have been our due date if the last IVF had worked. Which is both good and bad I think. Good because I am slowly moving on emotionally and feeling better able to accept that my future doesn’t look at all like the one that I had carefully planned. Bad because I’ve spent the last nine months in a general malaise, and feeling much of anything in that department right now would probably be an improvement, or would at least help me figure out where to go from here.

I am graduating in May, something I am excited for but that also terrifies me. Unemployment in our town is around 8%, and job prospects are non-existent. I’m actually considering starting my own business by day while beertending at the local pub by night. Or going to grad school. Or both.

Once I get settled after graduation it puts us dangerously close to our self imposed deadline for starting up the adoption train. I still have mixed feelings about adoption, on one hand it is starting to feel more like a good option and less like a “second choice.” My mom was adopted and I’ve always had it in the back of my mind as a choice for family building, even before infertility. IF changed my view a bit though, it made me understand how precious the ability to be a parent is, and the thought of taking that away from someone breaks my heart. So if anything, it has made more more hesitant to adopt.

We went to the fall foster-adopt fair held by our county, and stayed all of about 3 minutes. The place was chaos, kids running all around, scary clowns, tables of different groups with kids available through the system. It was so overwhelming.

We still talk a bit about embryo donation as well. There is some question as to if we would qualify for it through our clinic (there is some wording about how both partners need to be infertile – I guess since it is just me we would need to do egg donation?) My hesitation with this is that it is still so new, the psychological impact on the child is really unknown. At least with domestic open adoption the child can still have a relationship with the biological family.

We had been feeling pretty good about these options, especially domestic open adoption, until we visited SH’s brother last weekend. Seeing his 2-year old daughter, who looks like she could be my own child with SH, was heartbreaking and for the first time really showed us what we are really missing out on. So that got me thinking about IVF again. If finances weren’t so limited I think I would try it again, or try donor egg.

But really, the only conclusion that I have come to is that we don’t have any options that I feel 100% good about, so it is so hard to know how to move forward.

Most of my original blog friends are parenting now, and it is nice to know that most of the time people do emerge to the other side. I still want to believe that I will be there with you someday, but my path just hasn’t materialized.

Blood test officially negative. The “other” blood test backing up the results of the first one.

I’m taking a break for awhile. I’ll probably still be lurking about in the shadows, cheering you on and celebrating your victories. Mourning your losses and failures. I’ll just be a bit quieter. Thanks for the outpouring of LFCA love. I appreciate every one of you.

I’ve put super husband in charge of initiating discussion on what to do next. His grieving process is much slower than mine… I gain a lot of strength from knowing what is coming next, and he takes a lot longer to get around to the idea that we need to do something different. We have enough left from the inheritence for one more IVF, a few rounds of FETs via embryo donation, or for adoption when the tax credit is figured in. It’s hard to know what to do. I’m not prepared to do IVF again since our results the first two times have been so dismal. Not enough in the coffers for donor egg, and there is something about it that weirds me out. Not having children is on the table as an option as well.

I’m on the hunt for some embryo donation / adoption blogs so I can start learning more about navigating this strange new world. If you have any suggestions, especially for a non-religious couple, please leave them in the comments.

Super husband has also (politely) banned the use of birth control… he is really still holding on to the hope of a miracle baby. I’ll let him have this for now but am going to do my best to avoid falling back into the trap of testing and charting and temping and counting days.

So I splurged and bought a pack of First Response Early Response (Now with new ENHANCED TECHNOLOGY that has the ability to send you into the depths of despair 6 days before your missed period!) I’m sure you can imagine what the result was. Snow white. Virginal white. As white as a baby’s bottom. I couldn’t even imagine a shadow of a line with the light of a thousand suns, and I have a very active imagination. I took one yesterday and one this morning and the result was the same.

At this point I know it’s over. If this were a healthy pregnancy there would be enough HCG by now to turn that stick positive, with at least a faint line. I’ve scoured the internet, and haven’t found a single blog that has a negative test this late and has a positive beta and a healthy pregnancy. Super husband refuses to let me give up, but I think he just wants to save his tears for when it is official on Friday. I had a good cry last night, and now I’m just bitter that I have to submit my poor veins and more money to the RE’s office for a blood draw tomorrow morning. Who knows how long ago those embryos gave up, how long I’ve been talking to nothing, telling them how much they will love our twice yearly camping trip at the beach.

So, that’s it, the end of the treatment road for us. I’m a barren menopausal 29 year old who will never have biological children. I’m an only child, so my family’s line ends here. No one will have the pleasure of inheriting my frizzy hair or my husband’s thick eyelashes. I’m free to pursue a career that isn’t family friendly. We may look into adoption someday down the line, but there’s no rush… heck I’m not even of the appropriate age yet for many agencies. Oh the cruel irony.

So I’ve decided that photos of my dog are good for distraction. We can just look at the cute photo and forget all about what may be brewing below the belt, right?

Riiiiiiight.

So we went to a little birthday party for a friend on Saturday, and I refrained from drinking but I didn’t really think anyone had noticed, seeing as how it was an afternoon yard game party and it was about 95 degrees and everyone was chugging water, not just me.

Then last night, after a big dinner, we ran into the same friend downtown and had a little chat. About an hour later we get a text message from her:

“Noticed B’s belly and that she didn’t drink last night… is she pregnant?”

Ah, the birth of a rumor. For the record she has no idea that we are doing IVF right now. If anything were a cue that I needed to start losing some weight if this cycle dosn’t work, that was certainly it!

I’m resisting the urge to buy tests, although I do think that I will buy a pack today after class. To answer the question from my friend IRL who reads this site (Hi Tor!) on when can I start testing I give you the following answer:

Well, I could theoretically test today with a sensitive test, but if it is positive I will assume it is still the HCG trigger I took 12 days ago. If it is negative I will start the downward cycle of despair, even though it is early. If it is positive today and positive tomorrow, I can start to feel good about it, so that is a benefit to testing today. If it is positive today and negative tomorrow, cycle of despair. Really nothing good can result from testing early. But still, I must, I must!

So, I would like to present a survey, when should I pull the trigger and test? You can vote for more then one day by voting more than once, but please don’t torture me by voting to test AND not to test. I have enough of that going on in my head right now thank you very much.

I’m trying to write a paper analyzing Shakespeare’s view of humanity and getting nowhere. I feel like I could throw up at any second. Not in a “I-might-be-pregnant” kind of way, but more in a “my-stomach-is-clenched-up-tight-from-stress” kind of way.

No HCG boosters to worry about this time, so I’m in a “to pee or not to pee” kind of limbo as well. I’m thinking Wednesday or Thursday if I do it at all.

I had a dream last night that I was having a baby – literally – in labor – and I kept getting turned away by the hospitals because they didn’t believe me. “You can’t have babies!” they would say. SH had to drive me all over the state begging someone to help me until the alarm finally went off.

There is a document on the desktop of the laptop right now called “managing expectations.” It is an article about client expectations that super husband is working on right now. I think it’s fitting, as the next two weeks are going to be all about managing some expecations around these parts.

Thing 1: Progesterone is the root of all evil. The unique crampyness that I am feeling from the endometrin totally feels like it could be a pregnancy symptom. Or my period starting. It’s 1dp3dt, so I know it’s not. But still. EVIL.

Thing 2: As I mentioned before, my beta is on the same day as my final exam in summer school. I’m not sure what to do about this. I am thinking that I will test in the morning, or the night before, so I can manage some expectations. My folks will be in town, and I have told them that I can’t test until July 5. This will buy us a few days to get used to the outcome before we are bombarded with questions.

Thing 3: The story behind Porche and Mopar. Yes Kate, a house divided 🙂 Around here it isn’t sports, it’s cars… But both on super husband’s side. He was raised part redneck but also has a taste for the finer things in life. On the drive down to the clinic on Monday we passed a Porche and he jokingly asked if we had a daughter could he name her Porche? I said if we were lucky enough to have a child he could have the liberty of naming it whatever he wanted. So Porche and Mopar were born, and when we found out we had two embryos that’s what SH started calling them.

Thing 4: How the hell can I be expected to take an exam while I wait for my beta?!?

Thing 5: Our neighbors came down last night to see how everything had gone. (they dog-sat for us the night we were out of town for the retrieval so they knew what was going on…) We sat together on the front porch for a few minutes and I held baby-stolen-name and patted his little head for luck.

Thing 6: I am still not expecting this to work. Managing expectations.

Thing 7: I simply must do some reading for school. But I’m a little distracted and Martin Luther and the Catholics just aren’t doing it for me right now.

I am shocked that they both made it! I am also shocked to discover that they were both top level quality! Last time only one made it, and it was low quality. So at first I thought this was twice as good – then I realized it is like 4 times as good. We allowed half an hour of hopeful talk on the drive home. I’m trying to keep it in the box, but it’s hard. This is the most optimistic I have felt in this cycle.

Beta on July 2… also the day of my summer school final and when my parents and aunt are in town. Gee, think I will have trouble concentrating on my exam?

About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.