moms

I may be half way around the world, but the local Boston news still reaches me. The one that struck a cord? A story about a family filing a civic suit against the Concord-Carlisle school system for their failure to respond to over two years of alleged bullying toward a female student, Belle. For the most Belle and her parents, after valiant attempts to get the school and police to intervene, were left to fend for themselves. The student spent half of high school in fear. With only one side of the story in the press, it raises questions not only about what schools can do (or need training to do), but what parents can do over the course of rearing their children. I’m the parent of two teenage girls and this case strikes fear in a mother’s heart.

No mother ever wants her daughter to be the victim of bullying and no mother wants to discover her daughter is a bully.

But when girls are being raised in a rampant mean girl culture, what can moms do?

1) If You Fear It, Predict It

It’s primal. All moms remember the social humiliation of growing up and all moms want to prevent their children from suffering. As such, moms can make it a point to talk openly about bullying – starting from the sandbox and revving it up throughout the middle school years and beyond.

There are plenty of opportunities over the course of raising children to discuss bullying and the different roles girls play, such as the classic triad: the bully, bystander and victim. Don’t leave it to the schools only. Children need repeated lessons and role modeling when it comes to emotional and social intelligence.

From early on moms can discuss with their daughters the possible motives and feelings of girls in any of these bullying roles, and wonder what it must feel like.

A brave and honest mom can also predict that her daughter might find herself in any of those positions as she goes through life. Most moms, if they are human, have a childhood story about being mean or cruel, having been the target of teasing, or watched a classmate be tormented and didn’t know what to do about it. Making the situation real for daughters can help alleviate the fear factor children have in telling parents about what happens in the schoolyard (online and offline).

Moms can begin talking about family values and expectations are around such situations in a non-judgmental manner; then, if ever a daughter experiences being bullied or participates in bullying she should feel assured that mom and dad will promise to listen with an open heart and brainstorm solutions. All kids make mistakes. It’s important for girls to know that there is truly a solution to every problem as long as they talk about them. Secrets don’t help anybody.

2) Address Bullying Behavior Early

What does a mom do when she discovers her daughter is a bully and she denies it?

Girls typically don’t become bullies over night. Usually there are some signs along the way, even within the family dynamic. But sometimes the quiet, reticent child may exert her power over another child as a way to deal with her feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem, a strong desire to fit in, or jealousy. Socially, a girl may become part of a clique out of a high need for acceptance and affiliation that is stronger than her need to be kind and fair.

When there is clear evidence that one’s daughter has bullied another child and she denies it vehemently, there are a number of reasons, the first being emotional self-preservation. Children care what their parents think about them. Second, bullying behavior is learned from others, either in the home or peer environment; it didn’t arise out of nowhere. It’s important for parents to recognize the possible reasons before reacting to her behavior. If she denies it, it may be because she is ashamed, or needs to be right or to win at all costs (perfectionist), or has friends who are also bullies (which, in her teen brain, justifies her part). She may be also highly stressed and taking it out on others, has difficulty accepting responsibility for mistakes, or tends to blames other first.

Most girls cover up their bullying behaviors because they have some sense it is wrong and fear parental rejection. Girls are particularly adept at “relational bullying,” using verbal and exclusionary tactics that fly under the radar of adults. Addressing this behavior is best done from stance of understanding, support, and constructive problem solving. Out of this conversation comes an appropriate consequence. Depending on the situation, this may require some intervention and skill building from a guidance counselor, life coach or therapist. When parents find out their daughter is being a bully, it can be difficult to address. This situation will inevitably bring up parental embarrassment, need to protect family reputation, and thoughts of “What did I do wrong? I didn’t raise my child to be cruel.” These become teachable moments for the family, too, and an opportunity to work together to establish (or re-establish) core family values.

3) Strength in Numbers: Mom Meet-Ups

Prevention is key and establishing a community of like-minded moms can go along way in raising empathic and kind children. Begin to form a strong network of moms when daughters enter 6-7th grade/middle school, if not earlier. All too often moms are so busy, or overworked, or carting kids around to activities that there is no “space” to reset and reflect with other moms.

Regular mom meet-ups need not be complicated but rather simple, like a book club. One way to begin a process is to come up with a series of topics or themes over the school year, such as bullying and mean girl culture, cyberbullying, social media use, puberty, boys, compassion and empathy, social action, dealing with coaches and teachers and so on. Moms can invite daughters to attend quarterly, especially if an expert can brought in. The purpose is to create a support group around raising confident and compassionate girls. This opens up communication channels among moms and builds a foundational network. (In the case of Belle’s story, I wonder what could have been expedited early on if there was a group of a dozen or so vocal moms demanding school intervention or accountability.) Also, when daughters know that moms are meeting up regularly, watch out! Girls will come to realize that there is a group of wise women trying to do the best they can for their daughters who are truly looking out for them.

4) Circle of Care: Mom Mentors

The mother-daughter relationship can be intense and girls are biologically wired to leave the nest during adolescence. Girls are also hardwired to bond with other girls as a survival strategy, sometimes referred to as “tend and befriend.” They can create cliques that are seemingly impenetrable during adolescence and they create their own pacts. (The girls rumored to be the bullies in Belle case, called the “Sexy Seven,” denied any participation. To date no one has stepped forward or been identified.)

A girl’s need to be independent from mom and only be with her BFFs can make for trying situations. But the underlying thread in all of this? Girls still need their moms and they need strong female role models.

So bring them in. Identify mom mentors or adult female peers that daughters can contact or connect with other than mom. These could be a few moms in the above-mentioned group, aunts, or respected adult female friends. Just like girls do among themselves, an agreement or pact can be set up with the grown-ups for when the the girl feels she is in trouble or wants to talk with someone other than mom. Because mother-daughter relationship may be too intense, awkward, or strained from time to time, having other accessible women is key. This is how kinship cultures work. Also, there may be an issue or crisis that may feel embarrassing, like bullying and boyfriends, and it can be a relief that there is another go-to mom or young female role model as “confidant.” The mentor relationship should be confidential unless the “mentor mom” determines that there is a safety issue at hand. This can come in handy in situations of teenage drinking, when a girl would be too horrified to call home but knows she can count on another mom to pick her up. Moms would much rather have daughter get home safely (or to the mentor’s home) and deal with the situation the next day.

Because our world is operating at such a fast pace, where expectations are so high, and our culture amplifies the mean girl narrative, moms need to be in tune with what’s going on at school, online, and in the media. It requires a savvy level of attention without being intrusive. It’s a tricky line to tow, but more than ever moms need to empower their girls to be socially responsible and compassionate. It starts at home but can’t be done alone. Moms are a powerful advocacy group. It just takes a few to start a local movement.

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4 Secrets for Savvy Moms: Free report to help you find peace with your daughter!

June 10, 8pm

Hey Moms!

I will be doing a much needed teleseminar on what today’s teen girls are doing on their social networks and how to keep them safe.

It’s a brave new world out there.

One of the things I’ve noticed – no surprise to you, I’m sure – is that girls are pretty comfortable texting and posting thoughts, whims and photos, without really getting the possible consequences or the big picture of their digital footprints. They pretty much blurt out what they’re feeling in the moment. I have a great story about how one of my daughters told her whole twitter following: “I hate my mom.” You’ll have to hear my talk to get the whole scoop and other things I have discovered from other moms.

I’ve also learned that most moms (and dads) aren’t aware of their kids’ social network profiles (or how many they are on) or parents are simply too busy to check in on them. I get it.

I’ve come to believe that most parents don’t fully appreciate how their tweens and teens are using social networks and why – especially girls. There are gender differences in how girls and boys use technology, and it’s in part about how girls are hardwired to bond and socialize at this stage. From discussions I know lots of moms are feeling disconnected. They are also missing a huge opportunity to have meaningful conversations with their daughters (and sons)not only about what they are exposed to online, but how to be responsible and respectful to each other, online and offline.

And really, who wants their kids to air their family and friends laundry on the modern digital stage? But that’s what’s happening. Girls almost can’t help themselves.

Join me to learn some of the latest observations of how girls are connecting over their digital gadgets and what you can do about concerns that may come up for you. Tell your mom friends, too!

As a mom of teenage girls I find myself more often than not sounding the alarms. I’m not a hysterical sort of person, either. Nor am I a bra-flinging feminist, although I like the image. Yet, it’s becoming ever more apparent as I’m raising girls that what our children are exposed to in their social media playgrounds is of grave concern.

I’m talking ads and images that glorify violence against women, ads that condone rape, and ads that make jokes about beating up women and girls. They are everywhere. (If you need examples visit Women, Action & The Media.)

Now I want you to visualize something. Consider that one in four girls in US will be victims of sexual assault before the they graduate from college. One in four. This is a verified statistic. Globally, it’s up to one in seven in some countries (World Health Organization, 2012). Yes, 70%.

If it helps to bring this home, imagine this: If there are twelve girls on your daughter’s soccer team, or dance class, or choral group, FOUR of these lovely, darling young women will be victims of sexual violence. Or imagine four giggling tweens snuggled on your couch watching a movie and eating popcorn. Yes, one of them. Or, as in the photo above of my younger daughter and her chums, one or two of these sweet peas will be a victim. Most likely by a male and by someone they know. It’s hard to imagine.

I’m not an alarmist. No. I’m sharing some facts.

So that’s reality for our daughters and their girlfriends. And there’s the reality for those of you with sons, too. Do you know what our girls and boys are exposed to in the media? It’s grim. Consider that the average age of exposure to hardcore porn is 11. Is your heart beating faster now?

Take a deep breath.

Let’s be calm and pragmatic. When teens are in the vulnerable developmental phase of adolescence exposure to violent images can be insidious. While there’s not enough research yet on the impact of negative social media on the behavior of teenagers, it’s important to know what’s going in developmentally. Teens’ fragile brains are exploding with neural connections in a glorious process of fine-tuning that will lead them to become responsible and productive grown ups; their brains are marinating in sex hormones compelling them engage in various antics – grooming, showing off, taking “selfies” and posting their photos everywhere – in order to be the most attractive specimen in their little tribe. They are competing, comparing and sharing. They can’t help it. It’s in their biological blueprint. Of course, these coming of age behaviors are compounded by the teen brain’s frequent happiness surges, aka a “dopamine rush” – a real physiological high – from the fevered stimulation they get from being in the presence of their BFFs, or connecting instantly with hundreds (or even a thousand+) of their online “friends”, or texting on their coveted cell phones. (Parents, you are just too boring for them now.)

It’s a perfect storm. Maturational changes, biological drives, desperate need to be with friends, competing for social status, and sensation seeking – all being played out on the modern stage.

Moms, Dads, are you sitting in the audience of this adolescent theatre? Are you paying attention? Are you covering your eyes? Or, like me, are you trying play catch-up? Do you think you’re kinda cool and pretty much on top of things?

You aren’t.

You never will be. Just like your parents were pretty clueless, so are we. We might be even more clueless because we come to the new digital age as grown-ups; our kids are born into it. We’re the immigrants; they are the natives.

But there is hope.

We can exert some influence. A lot, in fact. We can talk about what’s going on (See post about a conversation with my older daughter.) We can learn skills to have ongoing dialog and know what we are talking about. We can advocate for change. We have that power. Parents are the greatest influence in teenagers lives. Let’s get to them first before they are exposed to violent images, seek them out, or become numb to them.

Here’s what woke me up recently (again). This past week a letter to Facebook was posted on the Huffington posted by Soraya Chemaly, Jaclyn Freidman and Laura Bates, and co-signed by many respectable organizations.* The open letter demanded that Facebook take swift action address three things:

Recognize speech that trivializes or glorifies violence against girls and women as hate speech and make a commitment that you will not tolerate this content.

Effectively train moderators to understand how online harassment differently affects women and men, in part due to the real-world pandemic of violence against women.

“To this end, we are calling on Facebook users to contact advertisers whose ads on Facebook appear next to content that targets women for violence, to ask these companies to withdraw from advertising on Facebook until you take the above actions to ban gender-based hate speech on your site.”

Parents, “users” mean you. If your teen is on Facebook and you are not that is the first call to action. Sign-up. The second is to insist that you are part of your teen’s network, review privacy settings, and spot-check their postings and news feeds. Ideally, you will create a home social media policy for family members to follow. The third thing is to begin having conversations about the media, about your teen’s social networks, and about responsible use. (“Rinse and repeat” is the way to go with teenagers.)

You can also be a role model and show your teens that you care about what they are exposed to and care about how they present themselves in their digital footprints. The current reality of the disparaging, violent sexual content in the media against girls and women – and what to do about it – are mindful conversations to be had with both girls and boys over and over again. You can also make your voice heard by demanding that Facebook and its advertisers (companies with products and services you use, like Amex, for instance) take “swift action to eradicate violent images” or remove their ads from the egregious FB pages. Or join me in an upcoming heart-to-heart teleclass geared to moms with teen girls.

Teleclass June 10, 8pm, with Dr. Tara

For parents who think one answer is to not allow your teen not be on Facebook, or any other social network, um, that won’t work well and not for long. Delaying their use of social networks can work up until about age 14 or freshman year high school. (The minimum age for Facebook is 13 years of age, anyway). Extreme parental control won’t solve any problems because social networks, like Instagram among middle and high schoolers, are the social currency of the day. They are here to stay. It’s part of teen life, college life, the workplace, cause marketing, and commerce. Plus, there are so many upsides to social media for connection, creativity and advocacy. Sooner or later your kids will grow into these networks and need to use them. Avoid a power struggle and collaborate instead.

Kindness toward others, respect, and responsible use of social networks is what is at stake, just like responsible driving of a car is once a teen has earned a driver’s license. But in the case of social networks, parents need to set up the terms in a thoughtful and constructive way. It’s never too late. Start now.

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*UPDATE May 29, 2013: The open letter to Facebook was amazingly effective and Facebook is now changing it policies about violent content about women. Advocacy works! See story.

“Why? Why would they do that?” Lamented my 13-year-old daughter.

Yes, it’s another sad Disney tale. You see, I showed her the Merida makeover. Merida is the gutsy girl in Brave with bow and arrow, who stands up to her parents with typical teen rants, challenges cultural traditions, and seeks great adventure. If you don’t know this Disney princess, she’s one of the few, who from the get go, shows gumption. She came as a relief to many moms, including myself, to have a female character with wit, confidence, self-reliance… and also empathy.

(c) Disney/Pixar

I had been at my desk when Josie bobbed in from the school bus. I was looking at the before and after images of Merida that A Mighty Girl posted. A Mighty Girl did a mighty thing by creating a Change.org petition last week to challenge Disney’s leadership on their decision to glamorize Merida for her induction into the Princess Collection. As of today – in a matter of days – the petition solicited about 125,000 signatures.*

Josie peeked over my shoulder to take a closer look the makeover. She squinted, pulled her head back, leaned back in for scrutiny. “She’s looks ugly!” she exclaimed. “I want to sign the petition, too!”

Later, I read what Peggy Orenstein had to say on this latest Disney transgression, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter. She’s tired of it all. Can’t blame her. So am I. On her blog post she goes through the makeovers of the various Disney princesses and it’s not pretty.

But I’ve come to realize that the media and retail industries will simply be giving moms plenty of teachable moments with our daughters and sons when it comes to media literacy and how unrealistic beauty ideals in our culture affect us.

My husband is in the brand strategy business and I updated him at dinner on the Merida controversy. What is Disney thinking? His view was dispassionate. Having been an art director in NYC, traveled the unforgiving ranks to creative director only to become an entrepreneur and consultant, he painted the corporate picture for us.

“Somebody sent a memo to give Merida a makeover for an event or promotion. Some unsuspecting art director follows the instructions, offers some versions, sends the redesigns back up the line. A brand manager picks one set of the new Merida he likes, and in a matter of seconds it’s a done deal.” In other words, there was little thought to the meaning of the change (or the consequence), and there was certainly no checking in with FANS. Like seriously? Don’t they know that we have a generation of empowered co-creators?!

Disney is trying to sell product. It’s as simple as that. But it seems they really need to take a hard look at their decisions, rash or otherwise. Disney lost their compass on this one. Wasn’t the intent of Brave to offer a new story for girls? Let’s hope the petition to “Keep Merida Brave” changes their minds.

You’d think this could be a pretty useful case study for understanding your customer. But the likelihood that this would reach the Harvard Business School case studies is probably slim. Something like this is not going to put a dent in Disney stock or shift their corporate core values. But the sad truth is that many consumers are pretty numb to what they are being sold and many moms and dads might not even have noticed the Merida makeover once it hit packaging. After all, the Disney’s princesses start to look rather …similar.

MissRepresentation.org is trying to raise awareness of media limiting portrayal of girls and women, not only with their film but with their #NotBuyingIt twitter campaign and upcoming app. It will take grass roots efforts like A Mighty Girl and MissRep, and the cadre of girls empowerment initiatives, to not only raise awareness but to help consumers raise their voices.

Josie is just hitting that vulnerable place where looks matters so much (it’s 7th grade after all). In anticipation of her all-girls gymnastics banquet, the buzz the past month has been all about their dresses, hair and shoes. Of course, their outfits are then vetted by each other via Instragram. This is not about boys at all. They are glamming it up for a girls’ night out that will last about 3 hours where they dance themselves silly in bare feet.To avoid the potential tears if she doesn’t quite meet her mind’s eye on the day of the event, we practiced the hair-do last night with a curling wand… a contraption I have no experience with. It comes with a glove to avoid burning fingers. We figured it out with trial and error and she became pretty deft at it within an hour. Ironically, her hair looked just the new Merida.

In this makeover nation I asked Josie what if anything, in her opinion, Disney could change about the original Merida – even for the better. Her answer:

Last weekend we held a Mother Daughter workshop, called Helping Moms & Daughters Thrive. Co-host Marthe Teixiera, teen life coach, and I wondered if we could pull it off at such a busy time of year. We did. And here’s what we learned.

1) Time is Precious

Moms and daughters like to spend time doing out of the ordinary things. Making a commitment to spend a few hours out of an overscheduled life to do something unexpected offers an opportunity to delight in the unfamiliar. New experiences were created, and we believe even a small shift in routine can lead to a ripple effect over time.

2) Safe Havens

Moms are super busy. Often frazzled. A number of moms even worried that a 2 ½ to 3 block would be too long. It ended up not being enough time. We found we could have spent a half-day or longer talking about joys, worries, concerns, and how our own teenage years influence how we parent today. There may be a retreat in the making.

3) Rewriting Stories of Adolescence

Moms have little opportunity to reflect on their own teenage years unless they make deliberate time. After years of blocking out our own adolescence despite the fact it forms us in very deep ways, it can be hard to revisit. We did this with a letter writing exercise:

“Now imagine that this Younger Self has the ability to see who she grew up to be. . . into who you are today.

What does she notice or remark upon? Your teenage self will write a letter to the woman you are today.”

There is something about recognizing and letting go of the past to release moms and allow them to parent their daughters in new ways – and thereby re-parenting themselves. One mom, who was relentlessly bullied, realized how strong she was as a teenage girl and remarked on how she came through it with a resilience she didn’t truly acknowledge. Another mom talked about body image and her daughter’s embarrassment at looking the mom’s old photos. It must have been tough for mom to see her daughter’s embarrassment.

One mother reflected on how confident she was as a girl, and how hard it can be to witness her own daughter’s struggle with assertiveness. Another mom reflected about having the very same friends her whole life and that she’s just learning now to stretch outside that comfort zone – and finding it exciting. In contrast, another mom never kept in touch with anyone from high school and remarked on that. These are all of our stories. How these stories influence how we parent and raise our children requires more time. Let’s allow it to happen.

4) Same Old Same Ole – No More

Girls today contend with similar issues around fitting in, body image, and friendships. Yet, in a girl culture that is so vastly different today a new set of skills is required for moms. Simple things, like asking both moms and girls if they knew each other’s social network user names turned into a surprising revelation. Most didn’t know. For a hot issues – online girl culture and texting – that give moms so much anxiety, we haven’t focused attention it in our communities. It’s requires new education.

The girls worked on their own collages, focusing on what makes them who they are, outside of physical appearance and looks. Marthe offered about a series of discussion questions about body image and confidence building. As always, girls are happy to chat but providing new questions and a different context can foster meaningful dialog and new perspectives.

5) A Fresh Kind of “Reset”

The mom-daughter yoga session was very moving for many. Despite giggling girls and “awkward” gestures like making a lion roar, the room became entranced. It highlights how little time we take to breathe and stretch. It seems so simple yet unavailable to many of us today.

When Renee guided the group a set of hand movements, called mudras, with the following words I personally felt like crying. With 13 year old at my side, I heard her voice, among a chorus of other girls and moms say out load:

“I am wise.”

“I am brave.”

“I am beautiful.”

Not once, but twice.

I felt we could all change the world in one moment.

6) See Poetry in Everything

Moms and girls created encouragement jars together. The simple premise is that moms and daughters need to receive positive words from each other now and again… not just about achievements, but about who they are — their beautiful souls.

But it can be awkward at this stage. Dropping notes in a jar is one way to send a message. The moms and girls had lots of fun designing their jars. We had hundreds of affirmations to offer the group as a starting point. We hope a new tradition may take hold and both girls and moms will write their own affirmations.

These are simple things. These are teachable moments. Vulnerability, courage, playfulness… and quality time reflected in simple rituals. It changes the mean of Joy-ful.

With sincere gratitude to all mothers, I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day.

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Contact me fore more information about mother-daughter workshops and Moxie Mom Coaching programs. I’m happy to have a Free Mom-Empower Session with you.

As far as I can tell the scientific research shows that a morning after pill has no effect on pregnancy rates. Nor is there evidence that teens put themselves at more risk knowing there’s a possible “out” when it comes to unprotected sex. What access to Plan B gives is another option in the reproductive health tool kit. Those folks who say it’s an abortion pill aren’t reading the science on how it works and maybe they don’t even know how female reproductive organs function. Just sayin’.

Over the counter morning after pills also allow for easier access in the event of sexual assault or if a condom breaks. Any teen or parent hopes that neither situation happens. So maybe it’s time for a chat. Better late than never. After all, appropriate parental involvement is a protective factor for the wellbeing of teens.

Health prevention education works. We know it works because teen pregnancy rates in the US have consistently dropped over the years and more teens postpone intercourse, with the average age of first intercourse at 17. Research that looks at the type of sexual health education offered shows that states with comprehensive sex education have lower pregnancy rates than states that support abstinence-only education.

The discussion that is not taking place is the one between parents and their teens, no matter what one’s point of view about sexual health. We can’t rely on schools. The standards for sex ed are meager and inconsistent. Actually, they are pretty pathetic. Sex ed, if you can even call it that, occurs twice in the K through 12 years. The first birds and the bees chat happens, typically, in the spring of 5th grade. The second discussion is about four years later in 9th grade biology class when teachers discuss human physiological systems. No wonder middle school remains the landmine of emotional drama. Teens are left to figure things out on their own.

All the other sex education comes via friends, social media and a few billboards. It’s a rare school or program that offers a course in Human Sexuality.

I always like to go to the source when it comes to discussion about teen sex ed: teenagers. I did this today given the recent news of the “Plan B” product approval with the purchase ability by 15-year-old teenagers.

Being stuck as the reluctant carpool driver this week to bring a bunch of, yes, 15-year-old girls, to soccer practice in the middle of nowhere, I had a good hour to ask questions of this captive audience. My daughter was mortified. Frankly, she’s used to this by now. Her friends were more than accommodating to chat it up.

Q: Do you girls know what Plan B is?

All: Plan B?

Soccer Mom: Yes, the morning after pill.

All: Ooohhhhh….. Yeah.

Soccer Mom: Under what circumstances would a girl use it?

A pregnant pause as it were.

Girl 1: Well, if a condom broke I guess.

Girl 2: Or if a girl was raped.

Soccer Mom: Knowing that a girl your age could go to the drug store and buy it by showing an ID, do you think that this birth control option will change how teens think about sex?

Girl 3: What do you mean, like have unprotected sex?

I was trying not to lead them, so I’m sure I sounded vague.

Soccer Mom: Ok, sure.

All: Nooooooo.

Soccer Mom: Ok, you’re saying that because I’m a parent you know. But really I’m just doing a dispassionate focus group here. On the issue of emergency birth control what does the morning after pill NOT do?

Girls 1 & 2: Stop STDS!!!

They shouted in unison. Go Ms. G, biology teacher.

Soccer Mom: Let me ask another question.

Girl 1: Mommmmmm…..

Soccer Mom: Let me ask you experts in the back seat.

Q. Would you have a conversation with your mom about contraception or safe sex?

Girl 3: Never. If I even started to ask about it, my mother wouldn’t let me out of the house for a year.

Soccer Mom: You mean your mother wouldn’t be open to having a “talk” with you?

Girl 3: Well, she might talk at me about it. But the only reason I would ever ask my mom about the morning after pill is if I were, like, raped.

All: WHAT???

The whole mini van shook.

Soccer Mom: You mean that the only way you and your mom could talk about it, you’re saying, is if there was a crisis, where something bad happened to you?

Girl 3: Basically. She won’t even let me be on birth control for my acne.

Soccer Mom: Ok, I get where you’re coming from. What about you?

Girl 2: Well, talking to my mom about sex would be awkward. I don’t think we’ve ever had the talk. But I have my older sister. She’s not much older, though. Not sure what she’d say, really. Nothing helpful!

Girl 1: Mom, did we ever have a talk? I can’t remember.

Interesting.

Soccer Mom: Well, sort of. We did the whole shopping down the feminine supply aisle. I still get on your case about being a good role model for your younger sister on the girls stuff, and using the period tracker app…. and we signed you up to participate in the Our Whole Lives program last year unless you blocked it out of your memory bank.

Soccer Mom: The rides home after class were a fairly lively, if I recall. That was sort of like “the talk” or maybe lots of mini-talks. More like the talk-after-someone-else-did-the-talk. Took the pressure off me and Dad a bit. But maybe we need to revisit some things…

Girl 1: No thanks.

Q: What if there was someone else in the friend and family circle, like an aunt or former baby sitter, or a friend’s mom that you could talk to in confidence?

Girl 3: Nope. My mom would find out from her best friend, and whatever she dug up, she might not ever say anything to me. But she’d still lock me up for a year.

More laughter.

Girl 2: I like talking to my mom about most things; we just never have talked about this. I guess I’d talk to another cool mom, but I think she’d tell my mom anyway.

Girl 1: Mom, seriously, if I talked to [our old babysitter] that would be really awkward.

I thought about some of my teen clients. Some will readily inform me about the latest on teen life, tell me what hooking up means to them, or confide that they are planning to lose their virginity at prom. They are my source. None would share these thoughts with their mothers. So I’ve gotta believe my daughters won’t be much different. It won’t be for a lack of my openness.

Soccer Mom: OK, but let’s just say that moms got together and made a pact that each of you could go to another mother – like a “mentor” mom – to talk to when things got sticky. You know… on whatever: stress, school, boys, sex, or drinking. But the only reason your “confidentiality” would be broken – that your mom would find something out – is if the “mentor” mom thought you might be in danger, physically or emotionally.

Q: Would you reach out to another mom or family friend?

All: Maybe…

Soccer Mom: Here’s the thing. Your moms all want you to be safe and sound. The last thing they want is for you to get pregnant unintentionally or raped. Right? That’s a bottom line. Don’t you think they’d much rather have you feel comfortable and open to conversation, if not with them, then with someone else? I know I would be relieved to know there is another mom or trusted person you could confide in. Seriously.

All: I don’t know. Yah. Ok. Maybe. That’s weird.

Soccer Mom: What you all seem to be saying is that whether you have a good or close relationship with your moms – or not – you wouldn’t even think about discussing birth control or sex. That only in the most dramatic, worse case scenario would you confide in your moms! Don’t you think there could be an easier way?

* * *

We arrived at the soccer field. They all gathered their gear, water bottles, and lumbered out of the van. Vibrant souls. Open yet closed. Venturing out into the world of grown ups… somehow thinking they escaped my questions until the ride home. Maybe they were thinking that one way or another they’ll figure things out for themselves.

I thought to myself: These three girls have pretty savvy moms. Well-educated, fairly involved, more or less easy to talk to. They have health care and access to health education. In their young minds it would be worse to admit to sex or wanting to have a plan for safe sex – for fear of punishment or disappointment or embarrassment – than to risk their connection to their moms. When it comes to sex, mums the word.