About Me

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Learning Difficulties

The news that large
numbers of talented graduates are not able to find jobs either related to their
studies or of graduate status comes as no surprise. The figures for those pushed into higher
education and the jobs that would be there never did add up.

The 1100 word piece below
dates back to 2007 and is about the University of Speenhamland (put this word
into search re 1795) and its prospectus.

Quote:

Foundation

The University was opened
on 1 April 2007 in record time, due to The Ultimate Project brought about by
the Blair-Brown Accord on Higher Education of January 2006 following
consultation in depth with David Beckham, Charlotte Church, and Cherie’s very
distant cousin who used to be a teacher before she took up Yoga.

The first Vice Chancellor,
appointed in February 2007, Lord Sven Goran Ericsson, fortunately, was
immediately available to promote this new place of learning into the
Premiership category of Universities.

Admissions

Admission is on the basis
of age alone, not less than 15, on the presentation of an ID Card, that may be
obtained either from HM Department of Homeland Security (formerly the
Department for Education and the Home Office), or the Byelorussia Documentation
Services representative who operates out of the boot of his recently liberated
Mercedes, and may be found at the back of your local strip and lap-dancing club
(formerly the police station).

Students may enter the
faculty of their choice and no academic or other qualifications will be
required, except for DNA clearance for wanted persons, who will be referred to
the Archer Recidivist College for pre-qualification preparation. All subjects are available in all known
languages and dialects, thanks to the All Purpose Multilingual Programme
operated by Capita.

As the work on this was
outsourced to the Baghdad subsidiary of this company, students will need to be
familiar with the Cuneiform script of the ancient Sumerian language to access
the facility. For local security reasons this was encrypted. The keying in system is available from the
Bursar’s office for a fee of £10,000. We
regret the system does not accept credit cards.

The only languages not
available to students are Latin, Ancient Greek, Anglo-Saxon, Old Norse, and
Scouse. The first two because they are
not considered to be academically valid, the next two because of persistent
difficulties arising from parties of UK tourists from these language groups,
and Scouse, because an existing facility exists in the Macartney-Lennon Love In
University in Liverpool, in the former premises of HMP Walton and the adjacent
West Derby Union Workhouse.

The University has a new
Fast Track programme to the Postgraduate Academy of Alternative Business now
located at the local Social Security Benefits Agency, and scholarships for the
MBA may be obtained for holders of a Chelsea FC Season Ticket and/or a BBC
contract.

Graduates of the
University Of Speenhamland may obtain a Fellowship of All Souls College,
Oxford, purely on application as Founders Kin, in that the European Court Of
Justice has struck out the ending of this Human Right in 1854 as unlawful, and
if anyone is not descended from the family of the founder, Archbishop Chichele
of Canterbury, then it is not their fault.

Programme of Studies

The practice of most
Universities of pre-selecting and imposing restrictive and limiting fields of
study has been abandoned. Whilst
Faculties exist, with internal structures to allow for the full complement of
academic politics, spite, and obstruction of learning, they are essentially
means of creating employment to meet Government targets for staffing ratios and
to provide salaries and inflation-proofed pensions for the relatives and friends
of politicians. Students will not be
troubled by the staff nor obliged to have any learning or social contact, these
elitist and out-dated practices have been discarded.

The student will inform
the Academic Registrar of the web-sites that will occupy their time, will
determine the full extent and level of study, conduct their own projects,
theses, dissertations, and examinations, and advise the University
Administration of the class and type of degree to be awarded at any time that
might be convenient, other than weekends, the 49 weeks set aside for staff
meetings and career promotion, and weekdays when political action is listed as
the Priority Of The Day.

Students will need to be
aware that in relation to the Priority of Politics the first call on the
academic staff is by Politicians needing help, advice, catheter changes, or
directions to the toilets and/or communal massage parlours.

Fees

No fees are payable, or
other costs, all materials will be provided free, as will food, lodging and
accommodation. But an element of
Community Service will be required of students, and this is organised by the
University sponsors and financial guarantors.
Information is available from your local MacDonald’s, Burger King,
Wendy’s, Starbucks, and Sutcliffe’s Sewage and Refuse Services and other
providers.

The Government sees this
as integral to the University Experience in Social Engagement and Interaction,
and necessary to the future graduate work force. It has been agreed with the European Union
that this is free from the impositions of labour laws, because of its essential
part in the process of learning.

Consequently, Community
Service has an upper limit of 168 hours a week, for details see the Web-site
“Our Great Leaders Major Works of 2005” between Catastrophe in The Middle East
and Death Rates Soar.

Careers Advice

This has been out-sourced
to the Fat Chance Employment Agency.

Special Services

The Hospice and Chapel are
located on Level 22, at the top of the Pro Chancellor Mandelson Tower, Third
Age Studies on Level 21, the Disabled Aid Centre on Level 20, and the
Prosthetics Office on Level 19. Lifts
are available to Level 3, Staff Rooms and Bars.

Jobs At The University

Due to restructuring, and
the introduction of an early retirement programme of staff of all ages
following the recent Court of Appeal decision in favour of the case brought by
the Adolescent Professorial Action Group, to avoid age discrimination, recruitment
is at present in abeyance.

Directions

These are not available,
planning permission is still being sought for the location of road signs, the
Public Inquiry is scheduled for 2017, and negotiations are still proceeding
with the local rail provider with agreement being awaited from all the twenty
seven regulatory agencies whose involvement is enshrined in statute.

The regional Bus provider
is unable to publish timetables or gives advice on fares on the grounds of
complaints of breach of privacy by existing passengers. Urgent information may be obtained from
Nellie the Bag Lady who is resident at one or other of the M4 Service Stations,
terms being negotiable.

Information and Advice

The servers obtained at
second hand from the Inland Revenue when functioning at present are able only
to send out demands for payment. As
these are calculated on the basis that persons have never paid tax on any of
their lifetime earnings the figures may cause alarm to those of a nervous
disposition.

For anyone in difficulty
an address is available in Bermuda, and for a fee of £500 an abatement of all
tax liabilities now and at any time in the future may be obtained