May 2013

Posted by Zack under UncategorizedComments Off on The St. Elsewhere Finale Anniversary: Floating Around in Tommy Westphall’s Snow Globe

Was pointed out that May 25 represents the anniversary of one of the most infamous TV endings of all time.

ST. ELSEWHERE, for those that don’t remember, was a medical drama that ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988. It was sort of a companion to HILL STREET BLUES in its depiction of a painfully real, gritty city hospital where patients often died and tragedy was always around the corner — along with a fair amount of absurd humor.

The large and varied cast included everyone from Denzel Washington to Mark Harmon to Howie Mandel to Ed Begley Jr. to the great William Daniels as the arrogant Dr. Mark Craig, but of interest here is Dr. Donald Westphall, played by the late Ed Flanders.

Westphall had an autistic son, Tommy, played by Chad Allen. Throughout the series, the writers (including Tom Fontana, later of HOMICIDE and OZ), loved to insert all manner of puns and wordplay (“Donald, Duck!” “Jumping Jack, what was that flash!” [Dr. Craig at a psychiartrist] “You were telling me about the dream you had about the silver spaceships flying in the yellow haze of the sun?” Craig: “I was kneeling. I was young.”]. This extended to episodes with such sequences as a shot-for-shot recreation of ZZ Top’s “Legs” video and Howie Mandel’s Dr. Fiscus meeting God…who looked an awful lot like Fiscus.

None of this was enough to prepare viewers for the final episode.

The ep included a number of elaborate puns, including a one-armed fugitive in the hospital (a parody of THE FUGITIVE) and a patient-killing doctor named “Brandon Falsey” (a pun on series creators Joshua Brand and John Falsey, whose first-season episodes were filled with gloom and doom). But they saved the best for last, as seen below.

First, there’s a hilarious pun on the famous “it ain’t over until…” line. And then…the hospital gets turned upside-down. Literally.

Yes, they implied THE ENTIRE SERIES was the product of Tommy Westphall staring into a snow globe!

Horrifying viewers even further, the closing credits “killed off” the little kitten used in the tag of ST. ELSEWHERE and other shows from MTM Productions, including THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, HILL STREET BLUES, THE WHITE SHADOW and REMINGTON STEELE:

Viewers were, put bluntly, aghast.

In his excellent book TELEVISION’S SECOND GOLDEN AGE (which I’ll admit using for reference for this piece), author Robert J. Thompson quotes Tom Fontana as saying they almost went FURTHER, and showed more snow globes on top of the TV, including Hill Street Station, WJM from THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, and so on — implying that every MTM Productions’ show was part of Tommy’s dream.

That kid’s mind was a network executive’s gold mine.

Years later, the late great comic book and TV writer Dwayne McDuffie made a mind-blowing point: During its run, ST. ELSEWHERE had done a crossover episode with CHEERS, which had in turn produced FRASIER, who had crossed over onto WINGS. By the series’ logic, ALL those shows existed in Tommy’s head.

It got weirder: During the run of HOMICIDE, Alfre Woodard reprised her ST. ELSEWHERE character. That show featured Richard Belzer as Detective Munch…a role he reprised on LAW & ORDER: SVU, THE X-FILES, THE WIRE and even THE SIMPSONS!

Therefore, ALL those shows, and every show they crossed over into, could be said to take place in Tommy Westphall’s mind.

The ending was also parodied in a number of places. Here’s one of the best ones, from the end of the NEWSRADIO episode “Daydream” (I’ve got the clip timed to start at the end, though the whole ep is hilarious):

Sadly, only the first season of ST. ELSWHERE is on DVD — though it’s been rerun in various places since the ending.

But before THE SOPRANOS, NEWHEART, Etc., this was the first final episode of a series to really, truly mess with viewers’ heads. Well, maybe BLAKE’S 7, which killed off the cast, came pretty close.

It was still a great show that produced some truly innovative and tear-jerking moments, and I hope the whole thing is available again someday. For now, I’ll always think of it when I see a snow globe.

Recently, I was lucky enough to sell a couple of pitches to KaBOOM!’s new comic based on Cartoon Network’s Emmy-winning series REGULAR SHOW.

Of the pitches I sent in, two were approved. One, “Sombrero World,” was approved and will run in an upcoming issue with art by Brad McGinty, with whom I’m also doing a story for KaBOOM!’s ADVENTURE TIME comic. Zack is living large!

The other approved pitch wound up being rejected in script form. I’d already talked with artist Michael Dialynas (AMALA’S BLADE at Dark Horse Comics) about illustrating it, and he did a design of the main characters Mordecai and Rigby that you can see below. I don’t know the reason for the rejection, but I don’t own the property and that’s Cartoon Network’s prerogative. That said, I hate to let work go to waste, so here’s the script below along with Michael’s designs. He’s doing a cover for an upcoming ADVENTURE TIME comic, and we hope to work together on another story in the future.

Anyway, here’s…BAD GRAMMAR.

Regular Show “Bad Grammar” (6 pages)

Written by Zack Smith

PAGE ONE:

PANEL ONE: MORDECAI AND RIGBY are in the living room of the park house playing video games. In the background, POPS comes down the stairs.

RIGBY: Up, up, down, down..

MORDECAI: .. left, right, left, right…

RIGBY: B,A,B,A, start…

CREDITS.

PANEL TWO: Mordecai and Rigby high-five as Pops looks on aghast.

MORDECAI AND RIGBY: …KNOW WE DOIN’ RIGHT!

MORDECAI AND RIGBY: OOOOOHHHHHH!

PANEL THREE: A horrified Pops rushes up to Mordecai and Rigby, who have turned to look at him.

POPS: STOP! STOP! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!

RIGBY: …getting 30 extra lives?

PANEL FOUR: Closer on the three as Pops explains.

POPS: It’s “we’re,” not “we,” and “doing it right,” not “doin’ right!”

MORDECAI: But we wuz just –

POPS: “WERE!”

RIGBY: But we ain’t –

POPS: “AREN’T!”

PANEL FIVE: Close as Pops explains:

POPS: You can’t go around talking like this! It’s THE ANNUAL GRAMMAR SOLSTICE!

PANEL SIX: Mordecai and Rigby exchange a skeptical look.

PAGE TWO:

PANEL ONE: Mordecai tries to reason with Pops. BENSON AND SKIPS have entered the room; Rigby’s leaned back over the couch to speak to them.

PANEL FOUR: Benson’s eyes are closed as he rubs his head with his hand, trying to restrain his frustration. The others are turned away listening to Pops.

POPS: My father told me all about this when I was a young boy! You must always use proper grammar on the advent of the grammar solstice, or an evil monster will eat your SOUL!

PANEL FIVE: Mordecai and Rigby are on their feet arguing with Pops, who looks traumatized as he recalls…

POPS: It’s just like the goblin in your nose that will bite off your finger if you stick it in there –

MORDECAI: Pops!

POPS: Or the evil dwarf that lives in your –

RIGBY: POPS!

PAGE THREE:

PANEL ONE: Mordecai, Rigby and the others walk away from a startled Pops in disgust.

MORDECAI: Pops, your dad was just messing with you!

RIGBY: Yeah, there’s NO SUCH THING as a Grammar Solstice!

PANEL TWO: Pops stands there alone, devastated.

PANEL THREE: LATER – Mordecai and Rigby are talking by the lawn mower as an eager Pops “pops” in on the right side of the panel.

RIGBY: So let me ax you –

POPS: “Ask,” not “ax!”

PANEL FOUR: LATER STILL – As before, Skips is interrupted while on the phone by Pops (who “pops” in from the left side this time, or at least a different angle from the previous page).

SKIPS: I told him it’d warsh right out –

POPS: “Wash,” not “Warsh!”

PANEL FIVE: EVEN LATER: Benson, with clipboard, is giving directions to the off-panel park workers, when Pops “pops” in, this time from some impossible angle (like upside-down from the top of the panel).

BENSON: …and remember, make sure you hang you’re keys on the –

POPS: “Your,” not “You’re!”

BENSON: …how did you even know that?

PAGE FOUR:

PANEL ONE: LATER – everyone’s gathered by the front steps staring irately at a frantic Pops. MUSCLE MAN AND HI FIVE GHOST have joined them, also irate.

MORDECAI: Pops, you’re driving everybody crazy!

HI FIVE GHOST: Yeah! I don’t care if “Cthulhu” is pronounced “Khlûl’-hloo,” not “Cut-ool-hoo!”

PANEL TWO: On a horrified Pops as he is overwhelmed by BAD GRAMMAR from the off-panel park workers.

MUSCLE MAN: (from off) I can’t not get any work done!

POPS: C…cannot…

SKIPS: (from off) It’s a mute point!

POPS: …moot point…

BENSON: (from off) I’m literally about to explode!

POPS: …no…you’re…not…

PANEL THREE: Everyone looks up as AN UNDERWORLD PORTAL OPENS IN THE SKY.

BENSON: What the –?

PANEL FOUR: The red-skinned head of THE PEDANTICORE emerges from the portal. It is a slightly intellectual head and face with glasses, etc., possibly some sort of hat. I keep thinking of the teacher in the “Another Brick in the Wall” video. It has three rows of sharp teeth and is smiling. It speaks in a sort of dignified, Old English-looking font.

PEDANTICORE: Salutations, compatriots…

PANEL FIVE: BIGGEST PANEL OF THE PAGE: The Pedanticore’s full form now hovers over the terrified park workers. It is sort of based on the classic mythological monster the Manticore (here is the fiercest image I could find), with a red lion-like body, giant bat wings and a scorpion tail.

PEDANTICORE: …I am…The Pedanticore!

PEDANTICORE: Lamentably, you have transgressed the accords of the Annual Grammar Solstice, forcing me to seek satiety from the mastication of your essences!

PAGE FIVE:

PANEL ONE: The Pedanticore’s paw points at a startled Pops as the other park workers look at him. Rigby is still confused by the Pedanticore’s announcement in the previous panel.

RIGBY (small) …wha..?

PEDANTICORE: …Except you.

PEDANTICORE: Your grasp of the fundamentals of linguistics is utterly nonpareil!

PANEL TWO: GREEN RAYS from the Pedanticore’s mouth hit all the park workers except Pops, who stares in horror. The park workers react in agony to the Pedanticore’s rays.

PEDANTICORE: But now…I must sup!

RIGBY: Ahhgh! I’m going to die…and I don’t even know what he’s saying!

PANEL THREE: Mordecai, in the throes of the Pedanticore’s attack, is near Pops, who hears him go…

MORDECAI: We should have listened to Pops!

MORDECAI: Pops, we’re sorry!

PANEL FOUR: An angry Pops points up at a startled Pedanticore.

POPS: ENOUGH!

PENDANTICORE: Ehhh?

POPS: You may not feast upon my friends’ souls, you ostentatious ninnyhammer!

PANEL FIVE: The Pedanticore reacts with anger toward Pops, who stands his ground.

PEDANTICORE: You dare contest my assertion upon these inarticulate ignoramuses?

POPS: Indeed! I postulate that none may lay claim to being without moments of maundering dissertation!

PAGE SIX:

PANEL ONE: The Pedanticore reacts in disbelief at a smug Pops.

PEDANTICORE: Poppycock! My elocution is irrefutably authoritative!

POPS: Ha! Only a cretin would proclaim to be invariably infallible!

PANEL TWO: Flames roar around the Pedanticore as it gears up for its assault on Pops.

PEDANTICORE: This aspersion will not stand!

PEDANTICORE: Momentarily, you will know the asperity of my –

PANEL THREE: Pops is in the same pose as when he “popped” in on the others on Page 3 as the Pedanticore reacts in disbelief

POPS: Ahh-ahh-ah! You just used “momentarily” to mean “in a moment,” when it really means “for a moment!”

PEDANTICORE: W—WHAT?

PANEL FOUR: The Pedanticore IMPLODES into the portal!

PEDANTIORE: NOOOOO – THIS ISN’T CRICKET — !

SFX: FWOOP!

PANEL FIVE: The park workers have collapsed in a big pile. Pops is most cheerful.

MORDECAI: Thanks…Pops.

RIGBY: Sorry we…doubted you.

POPS: Quite all right! And you all taught me that one cannot simply force proper grammar on others!

POPS: It must be learned.

PANEL SIX: The other park workers just lie there in a heap as Pops walks off.

MORDECAI: Dude, is anyone else afraid to ever say anything again?

EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah/Yup/Mm-hmm.

THE END!

Like this:

Posted by Zack under UncategorizedComments Off on 400 or So Simpsons Quotes.

From time to time, I compile Simspsons quotes, many of which are adaptable to daily life, in a Word file. Here is what I have so far. I am not bothering to go back and find episode numbers and titles, and I am aware many of these are paraphrased.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Democracy just doesn’t work.”

“Woah man! You need booze!”

“Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin’, and the hoppin’, and the bippin’, and the boppin’, so they don’t know what the jazz…is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop — no, actually, it’s more like Kodak film — no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.”

“Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!”

“Stop, stop! He’s already dead!”

“Don’t praise the machine!”

“The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice… like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night… like Urkel!”

“Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling.”

“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

“Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”

“Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.“

“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! “

“It’s just me in front of a brick wall for an hour. It cost eighty million dollars.”

“And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.”

“Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!”

“We’re going out! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!”

“I can’t even say the word ‘titmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl. Eee-hee-hee!”

“Pfff. English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England!”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I’d do it again.”

“Listen, big shot, if you’re looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself, I’m your man! You can treat me like dirt, and I’ll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! And if you don’t like it – I can change!”

“The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes! Wait a minute…Statue of Liberty…that was OUR planet! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (sobs)”

“Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that time I hit that referee with a whisky bottle. You remember that? You remember when Daddy hit the referee with a whisky bottle?”

“Those Germans have a word for everything!”

“If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike! You just go in every day and do it really half-assed! That’s the American way!”

“Woo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly!”

“Default! Woo-hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language!”

“Would you look at those morons? I paid my taxes over a year ago!”

“I’m wasting away! I’m down to a B-Cup!”

“The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom’s big!”

“Damn you and your sparkling wordplay!”

“Heh heh heh. Homicidal robots….so like us.”

“You don’t win friends with salad! You don’t win friends with salad!”

“Homer no function beer well without.”

“Kids, kids, I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.”

“Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.”

“What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?”

“I stand by my racial slur.”

“Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

“He is a cancer on this fair city and I am the…uh, what cures cancer?”

“Spinoff! Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?”

“We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.”

“Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”

“So this is what it sounds like…when doves cry!”

“Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!”

“I don’t believe in nothing no more! I’m going to law school!”

“I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!”

“Cornstarch. Good for keepin’ down the urges!”

“Affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends!”

“We’re like this ALL THE TIME!”

“I dressed myself!”

“Your hair is tall, and pretty!”

“I’m scared! Too scared to even wet my pants!”

“What’s a battle?”

“When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.”

“I love you ‘cause you kill people.”

“This tastes like Grandma!”

“Why do people run from me?”

“I’m wearing a bathrobe, and I’m not even sick!”

“Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.”

“Sweet merciful crap!”

“Do not turn this office into a house of LIES!”

“You’re right! First thing tomorrow I’m going to punch Lenny in the back of the head!”

“Man, I must have seen that movie…twice.”

“Lady, you’re all right.”

“We’ll DIG our way out!”

“Well, we all had a good laugh about that, but it turns out he was really sexually harassing her.”

“Wait, I’m confused. So the cops KNEW Internal Affairs was setting them up…I like to make up movies in my head when I get bored.”

“I can’t wait to hear about the sexy and exciting adventures you’re sure to have against this colorful backdrop.”

“Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain?”

“I dream of a town devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call ‘root-marm.’”

“Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder?”

“…a delightful little romp.”

“You idiot! He was the most talented one!”

“That was real funny, taking my dignity like that.”

“I’m sorry, it’s the laughter of small children, it cuts through me like a knife.”

“Don’t you hate pants?”

“What was I laughing about? Oh yes, the crippled Irishman.”

“Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.”

“Ooh! Erotic cakes!”

“Hey, it says here I’m supposed to get a pig every month! And…”two comely lasses of virtue true.’”

“I proclaim this chap the most whimsical jig of the season!”

“Couldn’t she just accept his abuse with good-natured humor instead?”

“Lousy Smarch weather.”

“To human misery!”

“…which, if true, means death for us all.”

“We can stick her in a trailer, drive around the south and charge two bits a gander.”

“…no talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector, consarn it.”

“I hope they kill that Iron Yuppie. Thinks he’s so big.”

“Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!”

“I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.”

“I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah – the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…”

“Fine, sir. I’ll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material.”

“Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.”

“…Have the Rolling Stones killed.”

“Take it and get out.”

“We’ve given the word ‘mob’ a bad name.”

“That dog can sell anything.”

“Mmm, cran-tastic!”

“He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!”

“The searing kiss of hot lead! How I missed you! I mean, I think I’m dying.”

“There were still so many things I wanted to see and do and have done to me.”

“If you have a failing, it’s that you’re always demanding perfection. If you have a failing”

“I’m going to punish you for this, Bart. And it won’t just be a simple caning this time.”

“Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain’t been blown for nigh onto three years.”

“You’ve heard the expression “let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets “biz-zay!” Consistently and thoroughly.”

“I feel we should rastify him by 10 percent or so.”

“Kindly make one out to me, and three out to my friend of the same name.”

“When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?!”

“Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.”

“I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here. One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie’s not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking “Where’s Poochie”? Three—“

“And we’ll cover the new craze that’s sweeping the country – wasting food!”

“Oh, Abe. You’ve aged horribly.”

“So where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you?”

“Oh god, I’m choking on my own rage here!”

“Something was said! Not good!”

“It’s those TV networks, Marge, they won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won’t! They won’t let me live!”

“I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I’m sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won’t you let me live? Won’t you, please?”

“Wait! I need closure on that anecdote!”

“If I had a girlfriend, she’d kill me!”

“And how’s my little major-leaguer? Catch any June bugs today?”

“When you get a little older, you’ll realize that Friday is just another day between NBC’s Must-See Thursday and CBS’s Saturday night Crap-o-Rama.”

`“During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear and feel pain again.”

“…lousy loveable dog…”

“Blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.”

“I’m like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies and kids with fake ID’s.”

“Soon, we’ll be rich! Rich as Nazis!”

“Hey fun boys, get a room!”

“I made sure to take note of that, as it seemed highly unusual.”

“I’ve had a stroooooooooke.”

“I’d’ve called ‘em Chazwallises.”

“…And they come with this delicious sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother – it ain’t ketchup!”

“Sometimes I think you WANT us to fail!”

“Your point being…?”

“Most people would say no, of course not, what kind of stupid question is that?”

“I don’t care if he’s the nicest guy alive, he’s still a jerk!”

“Steak will make him logy.”

“I don’t know where you pixies came from, but I sure like your pixie drink!”

“You’re living proof that our revolving-door prison system works.”

“You’re a credit to dementia!”

“Don’t thank me. Thank the moon’s gravitational pull.”

“That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.”

“Marge, when kids these days say `bad’, they mean `good’. And to `shake your booty’ means to wiggle one’s butt. Permit me to demonstrate.”

“Oh, it’s that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! [breaks down crying] It’s not fair! It’s not fair, I tells ya!”

“You’re not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization!”

“Don’t avert your eyes! He may take on another form!”

“I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Ohhhhhhh yeah.”

“Ach du lieber! Das is nicht eine Booby!”

“Mom, could you get me some of those Flintstones Chewable Morphine?”

“Now change the channel and pat my head!”

“If there’s one thing America needs, it’s more lawyers.”

“From now on, I’ll use my gossip for good instead of evil!”

“Let us celebrate our arrangement by the adding of chocolate to milk.”

“I call the big one Bitey.”

“Iron helps us play!”

“They’ll be chewing on him for a while.”

“Don’t thank me, thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.”

“Remember what Vince Lombardi said – if you lose, you’re out of the family!”

“For the first time in my life, I’m glad I had children.”

“Always trust the Bible, son. It’s the prankster’s bible.”

“You have small, girlish hands.”

“Gentlemen – welcome to Flavor Country.”

“Sneaking out was worth it! That was some gooooood corn.”

“That’s your solution to everything – to move under the sea! It’s not gonna happen!” “Not with THAT attitude.”

“Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store!”

“Oh, I like it better when they’re making fun of people who aren’t me.”

“It’s just hard not to listen to TV; it’s spent so much more time raising us than you have.”

“Are you hugging the TV?!”

“Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.”

“I see you’ve played knifey-spooney before.”

“How do you sleep at night?” “On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.”

“Aww, so that’s wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.”

“Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!”

“Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.”

“I don’t want any part of this project, it’s unconscionably fiendish.”

“A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion!”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.”

“Little girl, I’ve had lots of jobs in my day: Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network … and like most people, yeah, I’ve dealt a little ivory.”

“Marge, please, don’t humiliate me in front of the money.”

“Yes, money. Your money’s money is all that money.”

“Mmmm, sacralicious.”

“Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?”

“Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors.”

“The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor and it’s time to free your mother from his neon claws!”

“Where did I lose them? I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.”

“All the years I’ve lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.”

“I will not hear another word against the boat!”

“Although there is no change in my demeanor, let me assure you my heart is breaking.”

“So how ‘bout that local sports team?”

“Looks like those clowns in Washington are messing it up again! What a bunch of clowns!”

“Ooh, I love legitimate theater.”

“Oh thank God, it’s Lee Marvin! He’s always drunk and violent!”

“Kings among men!”

“Let us never speak of the shortcut again.”

“I can see the music!”

“My mom thinks I’m cool!”

“I may not know art, but I know what I hate. And I…don’t hate this.”

“You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.”

“Oh, it’s a donkey!”

“The other children are right to laugh at you, Ralph.”

(pulling into a compact car space) “Lot of sparks on this side.”

“Oh no! I’ll be socially unpopular, more so!”

“Look at him strutting about like he’s cock of the walk! Well let me tell you, he’s cock of nothing!”

“Behold! Ten times more addictive than marijuana!”

“When are you going to learn hair isn’t a right – it’s a privilege!”

“Whoo! A little beer’ll put out that fire.”

“…and that’s when the C.H.U.D.s came at me.”

“Where is that thing? It can’t get far, it has no legs!”

“Oh, why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?”

“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”

“Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.”

“I’m a well-wisher, in that I don’t wish you any particular harm.”

“Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!”

“Pick me, teacher! I’m ever so smart!”

“PRAY…FOR…MO…JO…”

“That’s preposterous! Zutroy here is as American as apple pie!”

“The older they get, the cuter they ain’t.”

“Dammit Smithers, this isn’t rocket science, this is brain surgery!”

“We’re going out, Marge! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!”

“Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.”

“But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?”

“Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.”

“Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.”

“Fire can be our friend, whether it’s toasting s’mores or raining down on Charlie.”

“My God! It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited!”

“Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.”

“Lisa, never, EVER stop in the middle of a hoedown!”

“We don’t need a thinker! We need a doer! Someone who will act without considering the consequences!”

“Oh Kent, I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t committing crimes.”

“The mob is working on getting your saxophone back but we’ve also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs! Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination!”

““You’re a very old man now and old people are useless!””

“Bart’s pain is funny, but mine isn’t!”

“Can’t talk. Robbed. Go Hell.”

“We’ll DIG our way out! No, dig UP, stupid!”

“Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”

“The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan “Up with Mini-skirts!”. Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn’t quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed “Charlie” to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can’t get the spices right!”

“This is the worst Fourth of July ever. I hate America.”

“The whole thing smacks of effort, man.”

“Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?”

“Brunch – it’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch, but you get a nice slice of cantaloupe at the end.”

“Mmm…sacrelicious.”

“That’s all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?”

“I crippled him myself.”

“See? Because of me, they now have a warning.”

“Can’t talk. See Flanders. Later sex.”

“Don’t worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we’ll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.” “Ay carumba!” “That’s the spirit!”

“Oooh, the walls are melting again.”

“Marge… I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait, I find him informative and witty. ‘Night.”

“The government calls it the “army”, but a more alarmist name would be The Killbot Factory”

Bobby McFerrin’s new single I’m Worried Need Money

“It’s a Volvo! It doesn’t go any faster!”

“On the other hand, who’s to say what’s right these days, what with all our modern ideas and products?”

“What’s with all this cleaning? Are we so vain?”

“Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works! In theory”

“‘Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter.’ I’ll never forget that episode.”

“I just have two questions: ‘How much?’ and ‘Give it to me.’”

“He thinks he’s people!”

(re: a rock) “A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction!”

“Ooh, him card-read good!”

“Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those are dead ends! This chair is the answer”

“This is great! Not only am I not learning, I’m forgetting stuff I used to know!”

“..class after class of ugly, ugly children…”

“We’ve tried nothing, and we’re all out of ideas!”

“Ahh, science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention…science has it all!”

“Tonight on WINGS!…ah, who cares?”

“Don’t make me run! I’m full of chocolate!”

“That kid’s got BOSOMS!”

“It’s funny ‘cause it’s true.”

“Stop laughing! It will scar him for life!”

“I’m so hungry, I could eat ARBY’S!”

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Email: zack.zacharymsmith@gmail.com Writer for Newsarama and the Independent Weekly