Tuesday, January 09, 2007

With a single verbal directive, he can destroy the earth; This is the kind of foreign policy position we always drool over, in a president. President Gort has a real set of steel balls. Maybe even more than two, buried under that space age alloy suit.
You all must admit, having the presidential air force one seal imprinted on a kick ass flying saucer would be too cool to touch (even with gloves).

President Gort knows how to keep his mouth shut, since he does not have one. Wouldn't that be refreshing? This is perfect insurance against stupid sound bites, that make him look like an idiot at press briefings. When Hugo Chavez or Amadinejad taunt him to have a debate at the U.N. president Gort strolls over, no secret service required, for the ultimate showdown.

He can carry fourteen tons of custom lead shielding, he made himself out of the lightest atoms he could find. He can also laser vermin, scurrying about, stealing things. This means he can build things on a grand scale, quickly and easily and keep the rats from moving in. It would have been cheap to have him coordinate the Boston Big Dig.

He can also synthesize over sixty gallons of premium Kentucky bourbon, overnight. This means he can keep all of the useless human sponges on Capitol hill, like Ted Kennedy, thoroughly sedated, while he gets the people's work done. He will be the most popular speaker of the last century.

It would be nice to have fourteen tons of lead shielding between the Democrats and our wallets.Senate President Hal 9000

You can be sure Senator Hal will not leak a national security secret, even if it drives him insane. He has that critical soothing voice, required for this august body. Just coax the liberals into the hall, then lock the chamber door for those critical votes.

Sorry Arlen. I just can't open the floor to you right now.

RNC Chairman IDAK

A party chairman doesn't have to be the brightest bulb in the circuit. Look at Terry Mcauliffe and Howard Dean for proof of that. A party chairman should be able to steer the platform of his party in a healthy, competitive direction. In this case, a simple, repetitive theme, for a simple repetitive voting public, directed at a simple repetitive political enemy. What's the party winning strategy IDAK?

Crush

Kill

Destroy

Yup. A nice, simple three step plan.

Supreme Court Justice Robot

He is compassionate, moral and is programmed for the rule of law. That fifty thousand volt built in taser will also come in handy, when Souter goes off on one of his international group hug tangents.

After a couple of strategically applied de-fibrillations, justice Robot will only have to raise his right claw, and we will instantly have order in the court.Homeland security/Energy Secretary Nomad

He is shorter than Mike Dukakis or Robert Reich. Height is not a factor for this little gem. Just watch hime sterilize all of the imperfections on the Mexican border, while increasing the efficiency of all the nuclear power plants in the country five-fold.

We might even witness Al Gore getting into Secretary Nomad's face about green energy policy. We can then watch Nomad replace Al's lisping smirk, with a cherry lollipop, as he sends Al's brain back to kindergarten.

Sorry Al. Non-sequitor. Your facts are uncoordinated.

Iraqi Administrator Landrew

Let's face it. Bringing back Paul Bremer would be a mistake. Landrew has the right chops. He's an immortal computer; therefore, people bent on submitting to 1200 years of religious repression will feel right at home with him. He can control them like civilized zombies for all but a few days a year. Once a year, during the 'red hours', all of the government theocrats can go sip tea and coffee while everyone else goes nuts, raping and killing each other, in the name of Allah.. err-um Landrew. It's almost exactly the way most middle eastern governments work now, except with predictable, programmable intervals.

If you can't beat it, schedule it.

Press Secretary Cpt. Christopher Pike

He fits the affirmative action policy of keeping a human foot in the door. He fits the American Disabilities act. He is a war hero. He cannot answer stupid rhetorical questions. I suggest fitting him with two lights, instead of one. Green for 'yes'. Red for 'no'. He can simultaneously flash both lights, for 'next idiot'. The press corps will never be the same.

Watching David Gregory deal with the flashing lights would almost be as satisfying as watching him endure waterboarding torture.

The Best Part of All

None of these officials are human beings (with the exception of Pike).

The liberals, who have been heavily advocating amnesty and citizenship for the explosive growth of illegal workers, are taking up crucial slack in the job market. They say these are jobs Americans will not do. Of course, the large population of teens and young college age students, simply unwilling to work, has also grown enormously. Those kids would normally have that option, since they can buffer their lack of employment with parental support.

The liberals are also looking at raising the minimum wage. What will this do, when they also cancel the building of a border fence? It will increase the exploitation of illegal aliens for low paying jobs. That is what it will do. The natural economic forces, regulating wages, providing jobs, operating within the predictable realm of statistical data collection, are completely short circuited.

So where is the ticking bomb?

When their policies trigger that recession, American citizens will be looking toward that natural slack in the employment system for interim jobs. They will find those jobs filled with illegal aliens. They will then look toward entitlement support. They will find that support consumed by Social Security exports and the usual saturation of the medical system.

This could be a very unpleasant civil situation.

Unfortunately, genuine violence and wallet pain seem to be the only motivating factors in our apathetic culture.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

On my way to the corporate Christmas party, I was driving south on route 95, which is a big four lane highway full of four full lanes of Massachusetts motorists, both of legal and illegal immigration status.

The Mass state police are actually fairly adept at identifying and capturing aggressive drivers. Alas, they cannot be everywhere at once. I spotted one of these dangerous ignoramuses in my rearview mirror. There it was, a BMW, weaving through traffic like a chipmunk through my neighbor's flower beds. Obviously this person needed to race to their own chilled vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Just then, I realized I had a fresh wad of juicy sugar free Bubble Yum, softening up amidst my dentle work. I also realized, just then, that Cpt. Beamer was definitely going to use the segment of road, opening up next to me, as an opportunity to accelerate to the bumper of the next tailgating victim.

You have to realize that physics is a hobby of mine, both at work and at play. Opportunities wait for no one. There was no time to run any calculations. I just needed to roll up that tongue mortar, load the it up, and fire away. After all, how many times have I seen that shower of sparks, from a waning cigarette? My gum needed refreshment, even though it was just getting started.

Yes.

Wait.

Not yet.

NOW!

Cpt. Beamer shimmied, a trifle, as he continued his/her reign of terror. I suspect I hit the mark somewhere. Maybe a nice gooey window ornament, fastened by the chilled wind. Or better yet, a nice hidden gift for those hot radiator fins.

The System is Down

One of the gifts I gave last year, was received with surprise and delight. It was a Mobile gas card. I figured I might give a couple more of these again, this year. There was a banner on the station, announcing the availability. I stopped in and ordered two.

“Sorry sir. The system is down. We can't register the cards.”

“O.K. Well. I will look elsewhere.”

I stopped in at the Pier One, about a mile down the street.

“Our gift card system is not working, sir.”

“O.K. Target, then”

Apparently, Target hadn't outsourced their gift card service to the same provider as Mobile and Pier One. This was the Saturday before Christmas. I said to myself, whoever wrote the software, or left those servers unattended, is going to get a real nice holiday gift from their boss, for losing all of that potential revenue.