Yet the most recurrent issue we hear in our training and speaking and consulting is the paralysis women face when taking the first step. Getting out the door. Choosing to negotiate in the first place.

Any minute now, millions of you will embark on a weight loss journey. You know the deal. Eat less, exercise more. But absolutely nothing is going to happen until you put your cross trainers by the door at night, put them on in the morning, and get out the door. In other words, the knowledge is useless unless we put it into action with a series of baby steps.

If your goal is to get a raise and close your wage gap—and it should be— your first baby step is not researching your market (that’s second), it’s negotiating with yourself to follow through on your goal by setting a date for your ask.

Dealing with the Fraud Monster

Just a few days ago a neighbor stopped me on the sidewalk and said, “Hey, I think I might know you…do you teach negotiation and conflict courses for lynda.com?” I wiped the shock of being recognized from my expression, and after a few minutes of shoptalk he said, “How did you get such a cool gig?” So I’ll tell you what I told him in two words:

I asked. I got out the door.

I was at a NAWBO meeting at which Lynda Weinman, the co-founder and executive chair of lynda.com, told the story about how her company—now 2 million members strong with enterprise clients including half the Fortune 50—went from her kitchen table to $70 million adventure.

After the meeting I made my way to the front of the room, shook Lynda’s hand and asked her if she had any plans to do live action business courses—perhaps one on negotiation. She said yes. The upshot of that conversation is that I now get to share in lynda’s profits by way of monthly royalties generated by all the viewers of my courses.

To all of you who may be rolling your eyes and thinking, duh, that’s basic networking, reel it in. Legion among us are the women who know what to do, but can’t get past the first step—the ask—because of fear and potential rejection.

I know I’m supposed to tell you how it was my talent and credentials and that set me up for success. But that’s the stuff that comes in after the ask. Listen, I suffer the same self-doubt that everyone else has to one degree or another. I think any minute the fraud police are going to show up at my little loft by the sea and take away my tiara. In reality, the single thing that’s made all the difference in getting what I want—in seeing a good idea through to it’s best possible outcome—is my willingness to move with and through that wallflower doubt and ask.

If this seems obvious or simplistic, it is. And this is what makes asking so elusive. We devise all manner of lofty and pathetic excuses and reasons and scenarios about how “the timing just wasn’t right,” or “I don’t want to be arrogant or greedy.”

Here’s the not so obvious part: if you ask, and the answer is yes, you’re going to be responsible for something new and probably powerful, and I think that stops us just as much, if not more, than the idea of asking does.

After all, if your proposal gets accepted, you’ll have to write the book. If you get the art school scholarship, you’ll have to create something worthy. If you get a raise, you’ll have to perform.

So, I want to give you two powerful practices to help you cultivate your confidence to get you ready for the big asks in your future. Call them the prerequisites to asking.

Say No to Requests that Make Your Heart Sick and Your Gut Ache

Saying no is a courage builder. You can say no to anything from dinner out when you don’t have the cash, to favors for people who never reciprocate. The litmus test is your body. If your heart sinks or you get a pinch in your gut, say no, or resentment will surely follow. (For a list of ways to say no and make it feel like yes, click here.)

Say Yes to Everything that’s Fun and/or Makes You Money

Saying yes to the right things is a courage and career builder. And if you want to maintain your sense of balance, don’t trade money for fun, or fun for money. That means if you’re a freelancer and you take on a writing gig for an exciting new start up, don’t fake the money part and say things like, “Oh, I know I should have done it for more money, but it was fun so it doesn’t matter.”

On the other hand, if you take on work that will consume all your waking energy for a year, it better be damned fun. Take a cue from Hugh MacLeod of Gaping Void: “I love what I do because I’m good at what I do because I love what I do.” (That’s a cartoon turned into a T-Shirt you can buy, by the way.)

If you’re saying yes and no to the right things, you’re negotiating well with yourself (and others, by the way). You’re taking care of you. As you wind up to negotiating for bigger things—salaries, cars, clients—you’ll have the experience of what it feels like to put yourself first.

And this leads me to a little bonus practice: When my clients tell me what they want—in their career, their lives, or a specific negotiation—I often ask, “Why do you want that?” They give me reasons like, “So I’ll be thinner, richer, happier.” And to those answers I often ask, “So what?”

I know it all sounds like a rude game, but asking yourself “so what?” gets you to chunk up to the biggest outcome or impact of your ask. Doing so generates deeper, more authentic answers like freedom, wellness, choice, and contribution. And in the context of negotiation, chunking up allows you to connect the personal to the professional to the social and political. And that’s why we have to get out the door.

Start 2013 right. Take a free 7-day spin a lynda.com and watch my negotiation and conflict resolution courses. And if you’re ready for a little live action masterminding, check out our online trainings here.

Coach, trainer and negotiation consultant Lisa Gates helps high-potential women improve their leadership, communication, business and career opportunities while maximizing their passion. As co-founder of She Negotiates, a certified coach and trained mediator, Lisa also desi...