A Ladies' Guide to Buying Drugs

There comes a time in every young lady’s life when she moves into her own apartment and is suddenly faced with the challenge of having to purchase drugs on her own. Unless a girl is lucky enough to have a friend who can supply her with her vices at the drop of a hat, in a city like New York you have to call a delivery service. Sounds easy but it really isn’t. A lone female trying to score bad things is a drug dealer’s wet dream. It tells them "This chick likes to get fucked up. Maybe I can bang her." Interactions can get awkward really fast. In order to avoid finding yourself in the midst of a shady transaction, here is a guide on how to do things right so you can get what you want, when you want it, without any bullshit.

A lot of dealers are space cadets who tell you they'll be there in 30 minutes when they really mean an hour and 30 minutes, so this gives you a lot of primp time. Prior to buying weed I normally think about it a lot, which makes me want to prepare myself--kind of like how an athlete who's about to run a marathon first will stretch. I like to tidy up my apartment to minimize the level of destruction that will ensue over the next few hours, and change into something a little loose fitting. Not a "tunic" or "frock" or anything dumb like that, just nothing constricting that's going to make me all aggro when I want to melt into a sea of pillows. But when it comes to marijuana the degree to which you take your look is extremely important because if you're not careful you could easily go from dressing chill to looking like a slob, which to a drug dealer translates into "this bitch is sloppy so I'm going to show up late every time she calls because she probably doesn't even know what time it is." So clean yourself up a bit.

Keep the makeup au natural but with a lip stain, creative nail design, and a sweet yet floral perfume. Clothing-wise, a vintage (or vintage-inspired) tee with a pair of comfortable jeans and a modernized classic shoe will go a long way. The whole point is to visually inspire your dealer to give you a good deal so maybe also go braless and wear a “Jerry Garcia” pouch around your neck and apply a hint of color on your lips if you want a fuller eighth. And if you can avoid buying weed after work on a weekday, schedule your delivery for Saturday during the day. They're always slammed on weekends, but if they remember you're that cool cute girl with the nice apartment that smells really good, they'll get to you faster and will also get the fuck out immediately after because they have to hustle.

Buying shrooms is always a little harder because the people that sell them are weird as hell and they're so hard to come by. These guys have to drive down to Jersey to pick up their buddy "Gus," and because of the effort they have to put into getting them for you, they expect you to pay them back by engaging in actual conversations when they drop off. They want to know if you've tripped before and where? What did the mushrooms look like? What's the craziest shit you've ever seen? Where you're going to do the shrooms you're buying from them? It never ends!

In order to throw these guys off dress a little more conservative, like you just got home from your job as a receptionist at a law firm near City Hall. You do not want to look like the kind of person that takes hallucinogens on the reg but you also don't want to look like you have a stick up your ass. I like to wear a button-down blouse with a light cardigan, knee-length skirt, and some loafers. I always keep the makeup light but add red lipstick, nail varnish, and drench myself in a fragrance that smells like “old money.” I also find I get a good reaction when I toss my hair into a messy bun at the top of my head like I’ve been working really hard all day--fuck it, sometimes I even stick a little pencil in there to make it sexy. Like buying weed, it's a good idea to make sure your apartment has been picked up. Not that these guys will take longer to deliver if it's messy, but it'll show them you are a real adult and you might make money. So you might have other fancy friends that make money and like to hit the proverbial mental reset button every now and then too. The more business they get, the easier it is for them to get product, and when you're the only guy in the city with shrooms for sale you're going to make bank.

I lumped these 4 together because dealers are always dicks when it comes to negotiating a reasonable price for them. You can’t just buy one hit of any of them because they want you to buy 25 hits or more. And the more you buy the lower the price tag and your self-esteem the morning after because you took too much of the shit since it was on sale.
Dressing for such a transaction can be tricky, as a lot of the time the dealers that have this stuff are the same guys that sell mushrooms. I still suggest taking a classic approach, but maybe go for something a little more fun and flirty like an above-the-knee dress with flat ankle boots. Accessorize with some black-framed glasses, a thumb ring, and a chocolate or maroon lip and nail. Instead of spritzing yourself with patchouli, which tends to be a huge turn-on for these guys, use a classic woody scent. And when covering up, opt for a nice plaid flannel rather than a cardigan--these drugs are super 90’s so if you look like you were actually born before 1980 they might think you know what the hell you’re doing and won’t try to rip you off.
However, there is such a thing as too 90’s, so if they walk into your house and you’re dressed like Courtney Love or a raver they’re going to think you’re some rich LA brat and you’re fucked. Pretty sure they don’t care about what your apartment looks as long as it doesn’t resemble a college dorm and if you choose to have music playing in the background to soften the mood, double-check your iTunes so nothing trippy pops up at the wrong time. The last thing you want is to be cornered into testing out the goods with them “real quick.” And make sure you wear a watch, because real adults wear watches and the more you look at it the more uncomfortable you’ll make them so they won’t drag their feet.

Not to sound like a narc but if you’re a young lady you really shouldn’t be buying cocaine all on your own because it’s kinda weird. The people who sell coke are the sketchiest human beings on the planet, so you’re basically asking to be found out. You can spot these guys immediately over other types of drug dealers because they all dress like they just fell into a lot of money--they are beyond indiscrete. If you have to buy on your own and can’t just con a guy down at the bar to get it for you or share some of his, the only way to play down their blinged-out T-shirts is to dress to the nines as well.

Get fancy or swag or whatever the fuck they like to call it. Put your smokey night face on and make sure your hair is done and get your nails did. Paint them black and toss some rhinestones on your tips, or dip them in glitter. The male dealers tend to be super horny and always want to know where you’re going that night and why you’re trying to party ’cause they want to hang out once they’re off the clock and bone. So do yourself a favor, they already know you like to get wild so don’t wear a dress when they come over. Just put on a nice pair of tight-ass jeans, a sheer or satiny top, some high heels, and BAM. It’ll look like your friend came over to say “ayoo” and you’re going to hit some clubs. In this situation I think it’s totally fine to have a messy pad, there is something about being on blow in confined disorganized spaces that people really don’t like. Having somewhat of a borderline hoarders problem will help keep the interaction short enough that he won’t want to try to mack it. It also betters your chances of him wanting to get the hell out immediately so you two can walk out the door together and maybe look like you know each other so your neighbors aren’t like, “Who was that scumball?” and start talking crap about you behind your back.

HEROIN

I haven’t a damn clue, but heroin seems like a bad idea unless you’re looking to kill yourself or have a drug dealer rob or rape you following the successful purchase of narcotics. I’m also pretty sure no one would deliver junk in the city because wandering into a smack den is risky. You have to go get that stuff yourself in a dark alley down by Youlooklikeajunkiesoclothingwon’thelp St. and You’reprobablyhomelessanyway Ave. All times of day are bad times for dying, so sorry I can’t be of more help on this one.