When Should I Take It Personally?

Let's say you are in a great mood, feeling loving and expansive, and someone—either someone close to you or a stranger like a clerk in a store—is withdrawn or attacking.

This is when it is important not to take it personally. Their behavior is coming from whatever is going on for them—they are tired, not feeling well, feeling inadequate, angry from a previous interaction, judging themselves, coming from their own fears of rejection or engulfment, and so on. When you take their behavior personally, it is because you want to believe that you have some control over their behavior. You want to believe that if only you were different, they wouldn't treat you badly. This is a huge false belief, as you have no control over what is going on with them, and their behavior has nothing to do with you.

On the other hand, let's say you are in your ego wounded self, and you are shut down, harsh, attacking, blaming or people-pleasing. When this is the case, if others are also shut down or attacking, their behavior might be personal to a certain extent. They might be taking your behavior personally and reacting to it from their own ego wounded self. While you are not causing them to react with withdrawal or attack—it is the fact that they are taking your behavior personally that is causing them to react—you are also not innocent in the interaction. So it is always important to notice your own open or closed energy to see whether their behavior is not at all about you, or whether they are being reactive with you.

Another scenario to be aware of: if you are open and loving and another is closed and harsh, their behavior DOES affect you. Even if you do not take their behavior personally, their unloving behavior can cause some deeper core feelings of loneliness, helplessness, heartache, heartbreak and sadness. Taking their behavior personally may be a way to cover over these deeper painful feelings, because when you tell yourself that their behavior is your fault, then you might feel anxious, depressed, guilty or shamed. As bad as these feelings feel, they are actually easier to feel because you are the one causing them by taking their behavior personally.

Likewise, if you are the withdrawn or harsh one, and a person close to you is not taking your behavior personally and are feeling their own core painful feelings caused by your unloving behavior, they may choose not to be with you. They might not want to be with you when you are withdrawn or attacking. In this case, it is important that you DO take their behavior personally and explore what you are doing that is resulting in exactly what you likely don't want—their moving away from you.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

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1. Fatigue

Excessive fatigue is a by-product of stress; if you're tired you are not likely to want to engage in intimacy, which takes energy, says McGrail.

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2. Physical reactions (or lack thereof)

If your mind "believes" it is under threat it can reduce libido in both men and women; even prevent a man from gaining an erection and a woman from being able to become aroused and lubricated. "Adrenaline and Cortisol (stress chemicals) are the antitheses of serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin, the feel good chemicals (endorphins) associated with happiness and intimacy," says McGrail.

Stress can be responsible for depleting your energy and destroying your desire. "It can manifest as an upset stomach, a pain in the neck, a backache that interferes with sexual intimacy, a headache that makes you too uncomfortable to be intimate," says Dr. Jane Greer, marriage and family therapist & SHRINK WRAP media commentator. If you aren’t feeling sexy yourself, sex is not likely to be on the table.

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3. Ruined Mood

Everyone who has had a rough day and emerged crabby knows stress affects moods: "For example, when the economy is bad we see so many men come in and get treated for erectile dysfunction," says Sexual Health MD Dr. Jed Kaminetsky. The reason for this is that so many people's (men in particular) identity is focused on being successful, and having monetary gain. If they cannot do that, and don’t feel content, the rest of their body begins to shut down—starting with their sexual stamina.

"Stress is particularly disruptive to women, it's easier for men to be aroused. Women's environment and mood need to be appropriately set in order to enjoy sex. Stress impedes that enjoyment. Most women need to be able to clear their mind in order to experience enjoyable sex. Stress affects both genders sexually, but is more impactful on women," says Kaminetsky.

4. Relationship stress

When a couple are constantly jockeying for position and control, the hormone oxytocin (that promotes bonding, intimacy and empathy) is reduced, says Dr. Jeanette Raymond, a psychologist and expert on stress and its impact on relationships. Both parties are in defensive posture and neither wants to "give" themselves up in a vulnerable situation like sex.

"Stress hormones like cortisol and cytokines set them up for fight or flight, not close intimate connections. However sexual power games may arise—rough sex, S & M, sex where one partner ridicules the other in terms of their sexual prowess or ability to last," says Raymond.

5. Anxiety-related stress

When you stressed, are you in the mood to be ‘in the mood’? Many of us aren’t. Stress from anxiety, fear, anger results in a depletion of energy and a lack of libido, says Raymond. "Men may experience erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and impotency. Women may experience painful intercourse as their vaginal muscles tighten and there is no oxytocin to lubricate the vaginal walls. Foreplay is restricted and desire curbed,” says Raymond.

We also may not feel sexy, ourselves. Stress caused from the source is chronic, weakens the immune system and causes headaches, gastric and skin problems that interfere with the feeling of being attractive and desirable, says Raymond.

6. Lack of validation stress

Stress from this source alters the feeling of desire to be with the person who doesn't appreciate or validate your efforts and sacrifices, says Raymond. The need for validation supersedes libido. It changes the nature of the relationship from equal partners to parent/child, with the latter role person desperate to be noticed and attended to. In this scenario, sex is a no-no!

Excessive fatigue is a by-product of stress; if you're tired you are not likely to want to engage in intimacy, which takes energy, says McGrail.