Your favorite cat game to play with me involves a laser pointer. The result:

I get really frustrated because I can’t catch it, and I live for the hunt. So if you’re going to use a pointer, please sub in an actual toy at the end so I have something to catch and kill. It makes the game worth it.

Please don’t rush me when I’m going to the bathroom.

There’s a reason dogs circle around before getting down to business: We have an instinct to be aligned with the earth’s magnetic field before we poop. In fact, researchers watched 70 of us engage in 1,893 defecations over a two-year period just to figure this out.

Since I’m an old dog, I get to eat whatever I want, yes? No!

If I have arthritis, I’ll be much happier if you give me a daily supplement that contains glucosamine and chondroitin sulfate, which protect joint cartilage. And switch me to a food formulated for an animal my age.

If you lose me...

...the first thing you should do is call every animal shelter within 100 miles of home, and visit the nearest shelters every day if you can. Many animal control bureaus euthanize animals if they go unclaimed for a specific amount of time. (For good measure, be sure to get me a microchip when I’m young.)

If you’re getting me spayed...

...ask your vet if she can remove just my ovaries, not my uterus. A much less invasive procedure, it’s the way cats and dogs are spayed in Europe, and many U.S. veterinarians have already made the switch.

Because I’m a creature of habit, even a subtle change in my behavior is a red flag that I might be sick.

So if it takes me an hour to eat my food instead of 60 seconds as usual, if I’m tiring out faster when we play, if there are more urine clumps in the litter box than usual, or if I seem to be drinking more water, call the vet right away.

There’s no question that if you keep me inside and don’t let me wander the neighborhood...

...whether I’m a dog or a cat, I’ll have a better chance of living a longer life. I won’t get hit by a car, stolen, or just plain lost. But once I’ve been allowed to roam free, it’ll be hard to change me.

Please introduce me around when I’m young so I’m not afraid of strangers.

Some experts say I should meet 100 new people of different sizes, genders, and ethnicities in my first 100 days at home, even if it’s just a quick greeting. Make sure you include people wearing hats and sunglasses, since those accessories can look awfully scary to me.

Please, please can I choose my own bed?

The most comfortable one will depend on how I sleep. Let me try out a few in a pet store. If I usually sleep with my legs sprawled out, I’ll be more comfortable on a flat bed without side bumpers. But if I like to curl up, I’ll probably love a bumper bed.

You say I’m great with kids, but...

...if I’m licking, pulling my ears back, turning my head away, or yawning (all signs of anxiety) while they play with me, I’m probably just barely tolerating them. If you keep letting them pull my tail, one of these days, I might lose it.

Hold those clippers!

No matter how high the mercury climbs or how long my hair is, I don’t need to be shaved. My undercoat actually insulates me from heat, so it helps me stay cool. Just make sure you keep my coat brushed and mat-free to promote good air circulation.

If you leave me in the backyard when you’re not home...

...don’t fool yourself that I’m going to run around and have fun. The truth is, I’m probably going to sit in one spot and wait for you to return. Dogs are den animals, and many of us prefer to be inside, ideally with you.

Remember, I see the world as vertical, not horizontal.

So instead of getting mad when I knock things off the mantel, build me a cat superhighway around the room. Put up a shelf that leads up to a bookcase that leads to a mantel that leads to a chair that gets me down.

Thinking about getting me a buddy?

I’ll get along best with a cat who’s of the opposite sex and slightly younger than I am, but don’t just throw us in a room together. Talk to your vet or a trainer about how to introduce us gradually. If I’m an older cat and I’ve lived alone with you for years, I don’t need a friend. Really. I’m already too set in my ways.

Excuse me for putting my bottom in your face...

...but you should actually consider it an incredibly high compliment. It harks back to when I was a kitten and would do the same thing to Mom so she could clean my bottom. It means I perceive you as a maternal figure.

I love the Cat Dancer and other fancy toys and gadgets...

...but I can have just as much fun with a paper bag with the handles cut off, an aluminum foil ball, or a plain box. It’s actually quite easy to create a homemade toy that I’ll love. Anything that is shiny or that I can scratch is going to make my day.

Want me to learn to walk by your side on a leash?

Well, give me some incentive. As soon as I start to pull ahead, stop walking. When I turn and look back, offer me a treat right next to your leg. I’ll quickly figure out I need to stay next to you in order to keep doing what I love most: moving and exploring.

Whether I’m a cat or a dog, if you’re tired of finding pet hair on your sofa and want to keep me off...

...try a Scat Mat, which gives out a small, harmless electrostatic pulse when it’s stepped on. Or buy a car mat and turn it upside down on your couch, so the little rubber prongs are facing up. I hate those.

If I’m a dog who is scared of thunderstorms or loud noises, get me a snug-fitting Thundershirt.

Or you can make your own. Wrap an Ace bandage across my chest, cross it over the top of my body and then back under, going over and under until it’s midway down my back, and then secure it. The constant pressure against the middle of my body will help ease my anxiety and calm me down.

Every bag of pet food has an Association of American Feed Control Officials (AAFCO) statement on the label...

...although you might need a magnifying glass to read it. Look for one that says the food has undergone animal feeding trials rather than one that’s been “formulated” by a computer. The trials are expensive, but they indicate that real dogs actually ate the food for six months with good results.

If you switch me to a raw diet, I may end up with cracked teeth or a bacterial infection.

Also, exposure to my feces could put anyone with a weakened immune system at risk. That’s why the ASPCA, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and other institutions all strongly discourage raw diets.

Sources: Jackson Galaxy, cat behaviorist and host of Animal Planet’s My Cat from Hell; Brian Hare, PhD, codirector of the Canine Cognition Center at Duke University; Rebecca Remillard, PhD, DVM, DACVN, a veterinary nutritionist at North Carolina State University and founder of petdiets.com; Jorge Bendersky, a groomer and pet stylist in New York City; Spencer Williams, owner and president of West Paw Design, a company that makes pet toys and beds; Nancy Kay, DVM, author of Speaking for Spot: Be the Advocate Your Dog Needs to Live a Happy, Healthy, Longer Life; Jennifer Coates, DVM, veterinary adviser to petmd.com; Victoria Schade, dog-training and behavioral expert at pet360.com and author of Bonding with Your Dog: A Trainer’s Secrets for Building a Better Relationship; Sophia Yin, DVM, a veterinarian and animal behaviorist and the author of How to Behave So Your Dog Behaves; K. C. Theisen, director of pet-care issues at the Humane Society of the United States; Amy Farcas, DVM, DACVN, a veterinary nutritionist at the University of Pennsylvania; Marilyn Krieger, cat behavioral consultant and author of Naughty No More; Karen “Doc” Halligan, DVM, author of Doc Halligan’s What Every Pet Owner Should Know; Stephen Zawistowski, PhD, animal behaviorist and adviser at the ASPCA.