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Gabrielle Noel

freelance writer and applebee's enthusiast.

Mar 13, 2018 - 6 minute read.

Stay in the loop, bb.Our top stories delivered straight to your inbox weekly

5 things men should avoid on a first date with a bisexual woman

There are a number of people who hate first dates. I, however, am not one of them.

I mean, sure, they can be a little scary, and they force you to leave the comfort of your Snuggie and your Amazon Fire Stick for the uncertain promise of a good time with a stranger. But there’s something about uncovering someone’s idiosyncrasies that I really enjoy, even if I end up not being into the person.

Of course, considering misogyny and heterosexism, I run into biphobic men all the time. And exhibiting biphobia, or being overwhelmingly ignorant about any identity really, is the easiest way to make sure a bisexual woman never contacts you again.

So, here is a handy list of behaviors for straight men to avoid -- you’re welcome:

1. Ask if I have had, if I want to have, or if I plan to have anything in the general ballpark of a threesome

Female sexuality overall is perceived as something that exists for men, and therefore so is bisexuality, which is why so many men feel entitled to my answer to this annoying ass question. Plus, bisexual women are hypersexualized, which translates to the belief that we are more sexually available and therefore dying to participate in group sex at the nearest opportunity.

You should always wait to bring up sex/sexuality until you both feel comfortable and enthusiastic doing so, not just when you do. This is something men should keep in mind when they’re dating all women, regardless of sexual identity, and consent plays a huge role here. Has this person suggested that they even want to talk about sex on a first date? I mean, probably not.And if you haven’t even considered if they want to have the conversation, it suggests a curiosity that prioritizes your sexual desires over theirs. It’s a way of envisioning them in a sexual situation and using their participation to contribute to your own sexual fantasies. And it shouldn’t really concern you on a first date.

2. Rank me compared to women with other sexual identities

One time, this guy high-fived me after he discovered I was bisexual, and then remarked that this made me cooler/better/hotter than ‘regular’ women, which it doesn’t. It just makes me, me. Much like asking me about a threesome, this is a way of fetishizing bisexual women. It suggests that my sexuality exists for men and usually comes from someone who is celebrating the potential of having a threesome -- which he no longer stands a chance of having with me after doing this.

I also personally don’t need to stand out above other women to feel like I have value. I’m not better than other women because of my sexual identity, and I don’t want anyone to date me because they perceive that to be the case. Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t like my sexuality to be respected or understood, just that it doesn’t need to come at the price of someone else. Plus, it’s marginalizing to suggest that straight people are the regular sexuality and bisexual women are the different/superior sexuality, since that centers heterosexuality.

3. Assume I’m non-monogamous

It’s interesting that I am never questioned about my beliefs on monogamy until people know that I’m bisexual. It’s like it’s assumed that bisexual means I need two partners at the same damn time, and it plays into the trope that bisexual people are greedy and promiscuous. So, when I get questions like, “Do you usually have a girlfriend and a boyfriend?” or, “Do you think it counts if you cheat with a woman?” I offer only the most severe side-eyes.I don’t have the attention span to date more than one person simultaneously, which doesn’t make me better or more valuable than people who practice ethical non-monogamy, but it does reflect that bisexual people are diverse. We all date differently and have different ideas about what the perfect relationship might look like. So to assume that I’m not monogamous because I’m bisexual is like assuming that all straight people practice monogamy, which is not the case. Also, something only counts as cheating if it goes against the set terms of someone’s relationship, so the only logical answer to this question would be: “yes, if my partner and I have agreed that it counts.”

4. Remark on the fact that, “all women are bisexual ‘these days’.”

Are we in the middle of a cultural shift that creates more space for bisexual women to be proudly themselves? Sure. Are there societal influences that encourage women -- even straight women -- to perform bisexuality? Absolutely. But are “all women bisexual these days”? Hahahahaha, I wish, no.First of all, statistics show that the majority of women identify as straight, so you’re just wrong. But also, you’re invalidating the actual identities of lesbian/bisexual people by suggesting that all women have the proclivity to sleep with other women. It makes it seem like a trendy new thing we’re doing, and therefore a choice, versus an actual sexual identity that is targeted and marginalized.

5. Accuse me of being a lesbian if I don’t welcome your advances

It was really hard to make time for this guy considering I had started a new job and he had three. Still, we were out together and he kept commenting on the fact that I specifically was a busy person. Finally, he said, “I was thinking maybe you’re actually a lesbian and that’s why you didn’t want to come. A lot of girls are like that.”

At the very least, he should’ve kept that thought to himself.

A woman’s disinterest doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian, and it takes a lot of confidence to feel like the only reason she wouldn’t be interested is because she isn’t attracted to men overall. Plus, it’s rude to label other people’s sexualities for them. If she is a lesbian, she’ll figure that out and potentially let you know when she does -- otherwise, it’s none of your business. If she was trying to figure out her identity, the easiest way to make her feel uncomfortable is to call her out for struggling with her identity. I can’t fathom the logic that was involved here.

Lastly, bisexual women are constantly receiving messages that they need to choose a side, or that they’re going through a phase, and this further plays into that. So before contemplating someone else’s sexuality, consider why you’re struggling to trust a bisexual person. Would you be doubting their sexuality if they claimed they were straight?