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Dating
has never been easy for me and now that I am a mother it continues to
get even more complicated as the years go on. The one problem I have is
any
man that I do begin growing interested in takes that as a sign that
they can or will come before my daughter. I’ve never understood this
logic but I’ve come across a few men who believe that I would just let
them around my daughter at any given time just because
he wants to see me or that I would try to get someone else to watch my
daughter during out time together and go out on a potential date. All
wrong. When dealing with me I let men know upfront I’m a full time mom
and I work a full time job, I sometimes even
let them know my schedule so they will understand when I’m free and
when I’m not but I’m still open to communicating via phone even when I’m
in full mom work mode. This is usually when I can tell a man is truly
interested in me or not because he will pay attention
to all the details of my life that I’m letting him in on and this is
when I find out whether he’s worth keeping around or simply going on
about my life.
This may be the reason I am still single. There have been some men that have stuck around longer than a week or maybe even a month but I have not found that
one and I am ok with that. These years that I have been in and
out of the dating pool have taught me a lot about myself and what I
accepted before my daughter and what I am willing to accept now.

The only rule I have is
never put a man or woman before your child and never put your
children in danger of being hurt or around someone that is unfamiliar,
that’s the most scariest thing to me.

It was a month after I had my daughter and
I was scrolling through Instagram that's how I met him again. I smiled as I
browsed through his photos because he was no longer the boy we all saw around
the way in high school but he had now grown into a man, which peaked my
interest. I instantly hit follow and soon after that he hit me with a follow
back and we begin sparking up conversation. One thing I knew is that I kept a
low radar when it came to keeping in contact with others from high school
because of the simple fact people act off of fake emotion. They pretend as
though they are interested in where your life has gone and where it's headed
but in reality they are not. But for a moment I was happy that someone was
acknowledging me. I was broken and so was he, which was a lethal combination
that should have never been mixed but it was too late to go back now.

Jan 2013 - June 2013.

Back in December was the first time we met
in person since high school and since it wasn't the ideal location (my parents
home) we opted to meet again but this time with me visiting him at his house a
few hours away. When I got there we chilled, talked, and expressed things that
had built up and bothered us over time especially with our recent failed
relationships the year prior and things only going further down hill for both
of our situations now.

This was the spark that I felt for him...the acknowledgment and that we could
sit back relating to each other's issues with our children's parents. However,
that wasn't where it stopped the sex was amazing and that's where the lines
blurred with us. When people tell you sex complicates a thing that’s exactly
what it did but yet I felt as though there was a spark there when in reality there was nothing there but a void we both
were trying to fill.

Eventually I grew out of the sexcapades
and the need of this dysfunctional "friendship" as he called it when
he brought an ex from high school into the picture as well. I felt bad for her
because not only had he been playing with me and my emotions he would now be
playing with her emotions for his own selfish reasons. Any man that can lay
with me one week and then lay with her the next is not the man for her or me
and after finding that out I pretty much cut off all communication with him.

Present

To this day we don't talk not even as
friends, the history of our sexcapades and friendship ran its course and I
moved on with my life. I was ready for a relationship with him in the fantasy
world we lived in [that spark was the only thing that had me feeling different about this reality] but he kept feeding me the "I'm not ready" or
"you are exactly the type of woman I need" but it all ended with
"Its not you, it's me" or maybe I was making more of our situation than he ever was.

He did move on just a few
months later back at the end of 2013 with his new baby and now fiancé though, that's a big move for someone who was not ready.

2015 was an amazing year; I have
accomplished a lot of goals that I set out for myself when I turned 18 years
old. The main two was finding out what it is that I want to do in my life
career wise and owning my own home by the time I hit 25 years old. Even though
these things came when I turned 27 I am thankful that god has put my life in
the position that it is in, because with him all things are possible. I love
the woman and mother that I have grown into and I know this year will bring on
many other blessings and I am prepared with open arms.

I pray that god continues to bless those
around me, keep my family grounded and safe, and I hope everyone had a safe new
year!