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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Times a creepin'

This 2ww is absolutely dragging. Who am I kidding, the 2ww drags every month and I obsessively think of nothing else. But right here and right now, THIS 2ww seems like the worst ever! I'm sure I'll say the same thing again next cycle. (hopefully not) I question everything we did over this cycle. Did we time it right? Did I lay flat long enough after? I try not to discuss my crazy too much with my husband. I'd get the "you've got to RELAX!" look followed by a lecture of how if I'm this wound up, it's not going to happen. I know he says these things to help and I love him for that.

To top it off, I feel like pregnancy is just in the air everywhere I look. People I know are popping out their babies left and right. Baby showers are being planned around me, I politely declined to help plan one for a co-worker, I know, I'm a horrible person for that. I can't help it. As my "would-be" due date approaches in the coming months, I just can't help but notice all the others that are easily getting pregnant and having seemingly healthy pregnancies. It's official, of the 3 couples that were trying at the same time as us last July, all of them are pregnant now. All are in their second trimester. Here I am, still chugging away with my BFN's.

But maybe, we did time it right and this is our month. Only time will tell. But not for another 10 days!

5 comments:

Hi Suzanne! Wanted to stop by your blog after commiserating about the 2WW on BC. :-) I too am analyzing the days we DTD, the timing of my positive OPKs, our attempt at SMEP, the Preseed... And realizing it may not do a darn bit of good. It's so hard. It helps to hear that others feel the same way. KMFX for your BFP!

I saved your blog to my favorites and will be checking in. Some days I can’t bring myself to be on BabyCenter. I’ve finally gotten around to using OPKs and not feeling completely stressed about it. I know a lot of women track their temps (do you?), and I just can’t bring myself to do it. It seems like so much work, and if you don’t do it exactly right, the results aren’t even accurate! Maybe I’m missing something. So between the stress of wondering if I’m not doing enough and reading about women go through multiple miscarriages, I’ve found that being on BC everyday isn’t doing me any favors. But I do like to stalk the women who are waiting to test. 

I’m getting towards the end of my 2WW. I’ve had very consistent 28-day cycles since my D&C in February, so AF is due to arrive next week Tuesday. During this cycle, I had my first successful +OPK. Woot! LOL! I tried using OPKs for two other previous cycles, but never got a + (and for one of those cycles I got pregnant, which I eventually miscarried, but clearly I was O’ing and just missed my surge). I received my + on CD15. I know it doesn’t guaranteed I O’ed, but I was happy to at least get that one positive! When I got pregnant last time we did SMEP and used Preseed, so we tried it again this cycle. I also exercise regularly and have for many years, but I thought I’d take it down a notch this cycle. More walking and Pilates, less P90X and cardio kickboxing. I know that shouldn’t matter, but it helps me mentally to think that I’m doing everything on my part, ya know? I still drink my one cup of coffee a day. I don’t drink soda, so that’s the only time I get any caffeine, and that’s totally within the acceptable limits. Just trying to find the balance of being healthy and stress-free without completely going overboard. It can get mentally exhausting.

I’m not feeling particularly optimistic. I remember with my last pregnancy I felt back cramps around the time of O, and then the cramps never went away. For some reason I can’t recall having abdominal cramping along with the back cramps, but I know I starting having what I thought was menstrual cramps right before I expected AF, and she never came (I waited two weeks to test beyond my missed period… I know, crazy, but I was afraid of seeing that BFN). I’m not feeling any kind of symptoms whatsoever right now – no back cramps like last time. But I’m not sure I had them when I was pregnant with my son. I know every pregnancy is different, and I probably shouldn’t base my assumptions on pregnancy symptoms I experienced last time, but I’ve kind of already hung my hat on those darn cramps. My only saving grace is occasionally doing a search on BC to see if anyone got a BFP without having any symptoms prior to testing. It makes me feel better for a while, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up. Otherwise it hurts too much when AF arrives. Oh, who are we kidding… I know I’ll probably end up being a hot mess when she arrives next week, even if I already prepare myself for it. It just makes me so sad to know that we are doing everything we can, and it could still not matter one bit. It feels so unfair.

Tomorrow night we’re going out to dinner with my dad and his wife. I’d looooooooooove to have a cocktail. I know some women still indulge in a glass or two while TTC. I usually will when AF is in town, but then I stop when she leaves. But I know if I don’t order one tomorrow night, they are going to ask if we’re trying again. We’ve been keeping our TTC plans on the DL. I don’t want family to keep tabs… it just makes things harder.

Cripes, I wrote a novel. LOL! Sorry I rambled on. I’ve been trying not to think about the stupid TWW, but clearly it’s looming over me whether I like it or not.

Totally understand about how the forums can sometimes bring us down. The power of the internet and the ability to have so much knowledge at our fingertips. Sometimes it's too much knowledge! I tend to research the heck out of every little thing! I have been using OPK's since I started ttc last summer. I never got a positive, even with my pregnancy in the fall. I also didn't have a single pregnancy symptom throughout the 2ww or the next 4 weeks I was pregnant. It's funny how even if you feel like poo you'd much rather feel something than nothing at all. It's just a whole other level of anxiety to deal with. I look for symptoms every single day. I have been temping the past few months, since February. I didn't from the beginning because I have IC (a bladder condition) and knew as often as I get up in the middle of the night (4-5 times) it may not be accurate, however, since I am consistent, I do see a pattern. So this past cycle for example, I received my positive OPK on CD 13 and again on CD14. My temp spiked on CD 16 confirming ovulation on CD 15. This is also my second cycle using Ovacue Fertility Monitor. I do oral and vaginal readings every day to measure the estrogen and progesterone levels in my body. It has been nice to see all of these line up. The monitor also confirmed ovulation on CD 15. My issue lately has been a short luteal phase. I went from super long cycles before my miscarriage to super short ones now. (23-24 days) I go in Monday to check my progesterone levels on Monday and if this cycle doesn't work, it's on to Clomid to hopefully help that issue. I'm actually thinking of stopping my "monitoring" with the temps and readings until AF arrives (or doesn't!) because the readings and analyzing seem to just frustrate me at every little change. I start to freak out that the cycle is already a bust! OH! and a little trick I do when we go out to dinner, we always try to get there a little early to get a drink at the bar. I order club soda with a splash of cranberry and a lime. :)

Totally agree… sometimes too much information is *not* a good thing. I appreciate being able to research every little nuance and symptom, but it also puts me into OCD overdrive. Especially when it comes to comparing my current state of things with everyone else! Bah.

Yes, I’d give anything to feel like crap if that meant there was a positive in our future and that everything would be OK! Now that we’ve suffered through the blighted ovum, I don’t know how it will be possible to feel confidence and excitement until we’ve cleared week 13 (should we be lucky enough to get pregnant again). Miscarriage in and of itself is so devastating, but I can’t help but feel there’s an added level of cruelness when it’s a blighted ovum. To think that everything is fine when you walk into the clinic for your first ultrasound… to still get a positive on a HPT… to not have any bleeding or cramps, or any suspicion whatsoever that something has gone horribly wrong, and then to leave that appointment brokenhearted… it’s scares me to death that it will happen again.

Very interesting! I can totally see why women choose to temp. I imagine it helps to really know what’s going on with your body. Maybe I’ll get the gumption to give it a try at some point, depending how things continue to go. Sigh. I tend to get really wrapped up in the details of things, so I can see myself getting obsessed with it. That’s not always in my best interest! LOL! Since I’m 37, my doctor told me to come back and see her in six months if we aren’t successful in getting pregnant again. That will be after September. I’m intrigued by the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, and have also considered springing for one at some point. Keeping it on my radar.

LOL, that was totally my trick when we were trying to get pregnant with our son! I’d get a cranberry juice with a splash of 7up and a twisted of lime, and told people I was drinking a cranberry vodka if they asked (thankfully no one ever asked for a sip!). Unfortunately we’re all driving to dinner together tomorrow night, so I can’t sneak in ahead of time and put Operation: Faux Cocktail into action. I’ll just get a root beer, and if they ask, I’ll just tell them I’m choosing not to drink right now. End of discussion. They mean well, but I really don’t want their input on the state of things. The day we found out about the BO, my dad’s wife insisted on calling me and leaving me a long detailed voicemail about her miscarriage experience from years ago. *Not* exactly what I needed to hear at that point. It was pretty graphic. She tends to overshare, to say the least.

About Me

This blog is my outlet to share the hurt and pain of my infertility. DOR, Endometriosis, and finally Asherman's Syndrome have plagued our past 4 years with loss and heartache. We ultimately turned to Donor Eggs at CCRM to create our miracles. With the help and love of one of our surrogate, our twin boys were born on July 16, 2015 and just 5 months later, our miracle baby girl and natural surprise was born on December 11, 2015. Life is most definitely complete!