MEGYN KELLY: O.K., everyone. Unroll your mats and let’s get started. Does anyone know if Dr. Carson left or if he’s just in the bathroom?

JOHN KASICH: Oh, boy, you know, I really don’t know. I’ll go check!

DONALD TRUMP: Let him go. He’s a loser.

KELLY: Well, I’d rather . . .

TRUMP: What, you don’t want to practice yoga with just me and Ted and Marco?

KELLY: [Silence]

KASICH: Well, I think it would just be a real shame for Ben to miss out on this. I’ll look for him. But don’t worry—I’ll be back soon. I’ve been here for a long, long time, and I’m not leaving now!

KELLY: All right . . .

TRUMP: By the way, Megyn, you are looking great today. Just terrific. Those yoga pants fit you just great. As do mine. As you can see, there is no problem here.

KELLY: Excuse me?

TRUMP: I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee. See?

KELLY: O.K., gross. Everyone find a comfortable seated position, maybe on a folded blanket. Get your sitz bones really planted on the ground. Senator Cruz, what are you doing?

TED CRUZ: My most comfortable seated position is standing. Standing up for the Constitution. My sitz bones are planted on my thigh bones of righteousness, and my thigh bones are planted on my knee bones of freedom, and my knee bones are planted on my shin bones of the Second Amendment, and my shin bones are planted on my ankle bones of repealing Obamacare, and my ankle bones are planted on my foot bones of virtuous unpopularity, and my foot bones are planted on Hillary Clinton’s throat.

TRUMP: Now you see, Megyn, if I had told him to sit down, he would have sat down. It’s not your fault—you look great—but you’re not a leader. If I told him to drop to his knees, he’d be on his knees. Look, I’m a leader. I’ve told a huge number of people—billions of people—to drop to their knees and they have. And it was beautiful. Like with Mitt. I told him to drop to his knees, and he dropped to his knees.

KELLY: Actually, Mr. Trump, you never did that. And the implication of what you’re saying is kind of sexual and very weird.

TRUMP: Well, maybe I did or maybe I didn’t, but he would have. And millions of others have. Ninety-eight per cent of people have. And I don’t know what you’re talking about with the sexual. There’s no problem, I guarantee.

CRUZ: Can I just say that there is nothing about you, Donald, that makes me want to drop to my knees? And let me add that there is only one man whom a God-fearing American would ever, ever bend his knee to, and that man is Ayn Rand.

KELLY: Ayn Rand was a woman.

MARCO RUBIO: Actually, we made her an honorary. Right, fellas?

TRUMP: Absolutely. Terrific guy. And just gorgeous.

KELLY: All right, since we’re on the topic, let’s just move onto our hands and knees.

TRUMP: See?

KELLY: Shut up, Mr. Trump. Now as we transition into downward dog, really dig your toes into the mat and spread those fingers wide.

RUBIO: [Stifles a laugh.]

KELLY: Senator Rubio, would you like to weigh in?

RUBIO: Oh, nothing, just with the fingers . . . I’d actually just like to say something that I think has been overlooked all too often in these classes.

KELLY: Go ahead.

RUBIO: I think we need to acknowledge that President Obama is really good at the cobra pose and that I am really good at warrior two.

CRUZ: If I could just interject, since I was mentioned.

KELLY: You weren’t, actually. Stand by.

CRUZ: I’m really good at warrior one.

KELLY: I said stand by.

RUBIO: Nobody likes you, Ted, and, anyway, it’s that kind of pettiness that makes us overlook the fact, as happens all too often in these classes, that President Obama is really good at the cobra pose, and I am really good at warrior two.

TRUMP: Oh, there goes little Marco, repeating himself. Maybe wittle Marco needs a water break? Or maybe wittle Marco needs to do a wittle child’s pose. A wittle child’s pose while the rest of us do warrior?

RUBIO: There he goes again, with the personal attacks! I think the voters know how important hydration is, and I will not apologize for staying properly hydrated. Nor will I apologize for saying the thing that gets overlooked all too often in these classes, which is that President Obama is really good at the cobra pose and I am really good at warrior two.

CRUZ: Breathe, Donald, breathe! I know it’s hard, but attention to the breath is the center of any practice.

KELLY: Everyone, please, stand by.

CRUZ: I’m already standing.

KELLY: Maybe you should have some water, Senator Rubio. You’re looking a little overheated. In fact, I think everyone could use a little cooldown.

KASICH: Oh, boy! Happy baby? Happy baby’s my favorite!

KELLY: I didn’t realize you were back.

KASICH: I’ve been here the whole time. But I don’t think Ben is coming back.

KELLY: That’s probably for the best. I was worried that his heart might stop beating during the meditation.

KASICH: Oh, boy, that would really be something! You know, I have a lot of experience with happy baby. Much more than anyone else in this studio. If I could, Megyn, I would just love to lead the group in happy baby. May I?