“Take an Add Sheet, dammit.”

“Add sheet? Add sheet! Just a guy handing out Add sheets. Who likes a bargain? I know I do. Add sheet! They’re free! Coupons for over a hundred of you’re favorite stores in the greater Columbia area!”

“Add sheet! Add sheet!…Hey, back atcha, asshole! Good luck with that liberal arts degree! You’ll be here soon enough! Add sheet!! I just want to share some value! Just doing my job. One more add sheet and I can go home! Please someone, take this last add sheet!”

(~2 hours later~)

“Hand out add sheets they said. Make an honest living they said. I might as well be back in the troubles. I see you!! You’re crossing the street early to avoid me! Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on!!! Oh well”¦I never know what’s going on. How can I go home like this? How can I face my family? Maria”¦my love, I’m so sorry. An add sheet failure. I’m a failure. One”¦more”¦add”¦sheet”¦”

(~10 minutes later~)

“”¦Jesus? Jesus Christ! Have you come down from the heavens to take my last add sheet so I can go home??…No? What? Tell people God doesn’t hate gays and that you and Muhammed, peace be upon him, are getting along really well and you wish the rest of the world could too? So”¦you’re not going to take my last add sheet? Then piss off, Jesus, I’m working. Add sheet!”

Syllabus Week, known as the “Festival of Natty Lights” to many, will soon be upon us once more. Though widely celebrate by most college students, there are many who have forgotten the true meaning of the weeklong celebration. To remind us why we celebrate Syllabus Week, we have decided to retell the story of how... MORE »

Feeling guilty about defacing campus property during your night of binge drinking? Concerned someone may find out about the fire alarm you pulled at 4 AM following another round of Keystone Light and Captain Morgan? Or are you paranoid your RA can smell the pot seeping from your room? Stuff your sins in a cup!... MORE »

There are some invariable and inescapable facts about smoking tobacco. The first is that every cigarette you light up affords you anywhere between six and 12 cool points. This fluctuation depends on brand, but free cool points are free cool points. The second is that it will eventually kill you, but so will breathing and... MORE »

A University of Missouri student faced scrutiny Wednesday after insisting that he is indifferent to losing his hair. Ben Beyer, a junior at MU, claims that he began balding his senior year of high school. After learning that his head was naturally nairing itself, he said that decided to move on and build a life... MORE »

Hey guys, just got back from doing a psych study and boy do I have a story to tell you. You guys know that building on campus that used to be a hospital, right next to Lafferre Hall; you know, the one right across the street from the Engineering West building? Well, whatever that building... MORE »

Four individuals were arrested late Tuesday evening in conjunction with the bust of a brothel run out of Jones Residence Hall. The four, all Resident Assistants, were arrested and taken into custody after an undercover operation successfully infiltrated the establishment and discovered the Jones Hall Brothel, an operation feautring blocs of rooms on every floor... MORE »

Mizzou basketball games have their own mixture of a family culture, fan pride and intense competition. None more so than at halftime, where there are a plethora of fan-participation competitions. This year, a new game was introduced. A blind race””Truman collects the contestants’ shoes, the players face the student section, and Truman scatters shoes around... MORE »

Things for St. Louis continue to suck. The residents discovered late Sunday evening that someone other than Albert Pujols has little interest in the city or the fans in general. Oklahoma State’s all-star wide receiver Justin Blackmon has announced that he is demanding a trade from the St. Louis Rams. This came as a bit... MORE »

The voting machine issues that once again plagued The Sunshine State this election seemed to have been resolved with the decision to award Florida’s 29 electoral votes to Windows Media Player. The default software won nearly 80% of the votes cast after Dieitalics Voting Systems employees accidentally left the “open at start-up box” checked-in. Many... MORE »

Another round of negotiations fell through between the Tau Kappa Chi (TKX) Fraternity and the United Nations concerning TKX’s uranium enrichment program Wednesday. This most recent round of negotiations appears to be the last as neither side is willing to make concessions. The fraternity and the UN have been in talks since UN weapons... MORE »

Introducing the Dodge Dart II. New Rules. Journalism students will have the opportunity to take a new class, tentatively titled “Detecting Corporate Bias,” starting this spring due to a donation from the Gannett and Anheuser-Busch InBev companies. The three credit hour class will include a weekly lecture from a MU faculty member and representatives... MORE »

Who’s that “Biggest Bullshitter”? It’s Abominable Snowman! (Koffing!) Abominable Snowman is a Fiscally Conservative but Socially Liberal type Pokemon. Abominable Snowman are birds in the family Laridae. They are the largest and also the most tall of all Pokemon, or more accurately: they are not, being of average relative height and weight.... MORE »

Episode 37: A Dark Wind Approacheth –SCENE 1/ ACT 1– The Scene: Deep within Castle Helgore lay the BEDCHAMBER of the dark PRINCE QUINTOPOLIS. He seeks to bed the vain but noble LADY DUMPINGTON, whose father’s kingdom, Gumtar is the second largest Kingdom of Gom behind only Helgore. Nutella is sweet and delicious. ... MORE »

It was a tragic day of March Madness for all of Tiger Nation. While the 86-84 upset of the two seed University of Missouri by the 15 seed Norfolk State University stunned the nation, no one was surprised in Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk, a small fishing village on the coast of Virginia, has a long history... MORE »

In the aftermath of the worldwide print media collapse, only one news source stands between the residents of Schurz Residence Hall and a media blackout. Rather, the resident run news publication The Schurz Tentacle would provide a beacon of news in an otherwise black abyss if it ever got published. The Tentacle gets its seemingly... MORE »

In what was hailed by consumer rights activists as a major victory, Internet behemoth Google Inc. has announced an overhaul to its comprehensive privacy policy. Privacy, a long time thorn in Googleâ??s side, is finally going to take a front seat in corporate decisions. The company made an announcement earlier this week laying out the... MORE »

At 10:03 PM Eastern Time last night, freshman Logan Nogouche posted an image macro (picture with overlaid-text) to the popular social networking site MySpace that once and for all ended the existence of God debate. The particular image was simply a picture of (Jesus/Richard Dawkins) with an overlaid (Bible verse/Richard Dawkins quote). However,... MORE »

The entire scientific community held its collective breath last week when the most complete Stegosaurus fossil yet discovered was announced via press release. The press release reported that the nearly complete remains of the 27-foot armored stegosaurid dinosaur were discovered on a kitchen floor in Columbia, MO. “As there was never a precedent for the... MORE »

A dozen or so eager students arrived in the basement of the Medical Sciences Building last night with acoustic guitars and crumpled notebook pages heavy with the ink of fresh poetry. The sudden appearance of knit caps and Chuck Taylor’s amongst the sea of surgical scrubs and face masks surprised the med students, who were... MORE »

The Dept. of Psychology at the University of Missouri has just released the results of a groundbreaking 10-year study conducted by Dr. Bram Wiesel entitled “U MAD BRO, U SEEM MAD: A look at anger in college age populations.” The results indicate that, among the 1,876 students surveyed, over 90% between the ages of 18-22... MORE »

Winnie the Pooh couldn’t have said it any better, it sure is blustery outside. But soon, little cherubs, anthropomorphic stuffed animals and trees alike will have the joy of a spring day. But outside is only interesting for so long, children! What to do after a long day of dragon chasing and tree climbing in... MORE »

This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! (Through the decades) Dear (1930’s) Santa, For this Cristmas alls I want is some food for my rumbly tummy. And food for my brother Jakob... MORE »

Executives from Boeing visited Mizzou last month to speak to engineering students and anyone else interested about the Boeing Company and the future of aerospace technology. One part of the future will be the newest Boeing commercial airplane, the 787 Dreamliner, which is set to fly commercially in the coming weeks. “This bird-less sky-carriage shall... MORE »

Hey guys, just got back from doing a psych study and boy do I have a story to tell you. You guys know that building on campus that used to be a hospital, right next to Lafferre Hall; you know, the one right across the street from the Engineering West building? Well, whatever that building... MORE »

Schurz Residence Hall, on the east side of campus, has been under Code Orange quarantine status for over 15 days. Center for Disease Control (CDC) investigators and Mizzou Health officials have recently discovered the pathogen responsible for the outbreak, which at first was believed to be Scabies. “I... MORE »