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Zolton’s Facebook Follies: The Soft-Knock Life

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

Life is hard.

Sometimes you need a break from the madness. You want life, if only for a little while, to be easier. Calmer. Softer.

My own quest to steal a few scant minutes of comforting softness has taken me around the globe — to the foothills of the Andes to shear virgin alpacas. To the Canadian arctic to pluck shivering baby geese. To the cavernous decorative throw pillow factories of mainland China.

(Also, to the alleyway down the street right between the Curves and the big Dunkin Donuts shop. We probably shouldn’t talk about that one.)

The point is, I’m always on the lookout to make life a little softer. So this week, I’ve tried out a few products with not-so-hard reputations. As usual, it didn’t go quite as smoothly — or as softly — as I’d planned.

Read on for the reviews — and my actual Facebook posts on the product companies’ pages. It’s guaranteed to get you soft all over.

(Well, mostly all over. I know you’re still a little excited about ‘virgin alpacas’. Sicko.)

One of my fondest childhood memories is of my grandmother’s soft, pillowy biscuits.

Pillsbury

Naturally, they ignored the possible child abuse — and corporate mascot torture — to tell me that my family is just doing it wrong. And has been for years. What, Pillsbury, have you been talking to my therapist? Hoo hoo!

There’s no better ‘soft’ than the kind that gives you a good night’s sleep. But unlike Goldilocks, my bed wasn’t quite juuuuust right, exactly. So I did everything but dump porridge on it:

Downy

So what’s “closer than your clothes”? How about your terlet wipe? If ever there was a last bastion of softness, the rump rag is it. And it just so happens one butt-rubbing company is advocating a double dose of derriere-dabbing.

That is to say, Cottonelle is suggesting we wipe with their toilet paper, then mop up again with one of their flushable wipes. They even have a contest to name the procedure, with the winners receiving a years’ supply of the aforementioned ass-essories.