The Man.

17/08/2012

"There's no pain worse than a well-aimed kick to your jewels." Someone lied.

Hey Muthoni.

"There's no pain worse than a well-aimed kick to the jewels."

Someone once said that to me.

And by "someone", I mean a variety of movies, comedians and general urban folklore, not anyone in particular.

Well, Noni, someone needs to be shot, because someone lied.

I'm telling you this with both my jaw and fist clenched: Jaw because of pain; and fist because I'm ready to punch anyone that I believe will punch me back and cause enough pain to distract me from the pain in my jaw.

"What's going on, Olang' sweetie?"

I thought you'd never ask, Noni.

I've never been to a dentist. My entire life. I've been perfectly fine, every part of my body - teeth included - in prime working order.

Up until three weeks ago. When my life changed in ways I never thought could happen.

You see, coffee is a beautiful thing. It tells you things, makes you think you can take on anything and anyone.

So amazing coffee is, that just a sip will give you that shot of confidence to walk into your boss' office and tell him:

"You know what? I've had enough of your nonsense: You're going to double my salary simply because you have more money in that bank account, you stingy goat."

And he'll do just that, offering you a promotion while he's at it.

Hell yeah.

So amazing coffee is, that just a gulp will make you pick up your phone, call that girl you've always liked and tell her:

"Listen here woman. I like you. I don't care whether you like me or not, but you're going to say 'yes' to the question I'm ask you and you will love yourself for it. Now, we're meeting for coffee tomorrow 10am, and as soon as I pay that bill, you're officially my girlfriend. Do you understand?"

And she'll do just that, washing your feet as soon as you two get home.

Hi Boity.

So amazing coffee is, that just a cup will have The Man Your Man Could Smell Like calling you, admitting this:

"You're The Man."

Remember him?

Now imagine me having my vital morning dose of coffee, that perfect balance of sugar, caffeine, water and heat energy, and at just the precise moment when I'm about to swallow perfection, some prick blindsides me with a needle to the right side of my jaw.

Only when I turn to punch the silly prick, there is no silly prick with a needle screaming, "Gotcha!"

My bloody tooth is the prick.

Imagine that, Muthoni.

"So what does this have to do with being kicked in the jewels?"

You clearly have never been kicked in the jewels, have you Muthoni? Well, I have: My brain stopped functioning for a good 12 seconds. Pure white pain. And at age 6, on a dusty playground, the message gets no clearer: Never get kicked in the jewels.

Attached: Image of pure white pain.

Up until three weeks ago, I thought that was the highest level of pain I'd have to endure, short of being mistakenly kidnapped and locked up in a post-Guantanamo Guantanamo-like Guantanamo for a crime I know nothing of.

Up until my tooth became a prick.

Look at me Muthoni: I'm sweating. Do you feel how cold the room is? The window is open, the Nairobi wind could turn a hot cup of coffee into a frozen block and I'm sweating.

When I was kicked in the jewels, I only howled like the little baby I was, but not once did a bead of sweat appear on my forehead.

Tonight, as I tell you this, I'm sweating in pain. I'm sitting perfectly still - well, almost perfectly still - yet my armpits are soaked in sweat.

I'm the ideal candidate for that Rexona dryness test.

Except, you know, I'm a man. So that's out of the question.

All this, just because a bunch of nerves are suddenly exposed to the elements. Really, whose idea was it to have a bunch of raw nerves covered only by a couple of millimetres of enamel - which is [allegedly] some of the hardest stuff you'll ever come across?

Not to question your authority, Mr. God, but at least a centimetre of that enamel stuff would last a lifetime - literally.

But I'm not about to blame Sir God for anything. If anything, a "Thank You" is in order. He giveth and He taketh away. Imagine if He decided to taketh the enamel covering on every tooth...

No, Sir God has nothing to do with this. I just need you to do me this one favour, Muthoni:

Find the someone that made me believe that the worst pain I'll ever get to feel is a well-placed knee to the jewels. Bring that someone to me, however many they may be.

And I'll drill a hole in someone's teeth, follow that up with a perfect cup of coffee poured into their mouth.

Then knee someone in the jewels and tell someone:

Say "There's no pain worse than a well-aimed kick to the jewels" again. Say "There's no pain worse than a well-aimed kick to the jewels" again, I dare you...