As the head of the Anglican church, I have something of a duty to remain impartial on matters of domestic politics. I generally prefer to remain detached from the temporal realm of party interest, so that I might better fulfil the responsibilities of spiritual guidance for the faith communities of the nation. I would not want my pastoral obligations to be diminished by a perception of partisanship in matters of government policy.

That said, most of my flock are Tories and I'm secretly a bit of a lefty. It's becoming a problem. I don't mean that I'm a Marxist or anything like that. For a start, they're all atheists and that would never work, what with my being Archbishop of Canterbury. But I do care about the poor. It's in the Bible, you know. The bit about the camel and the needle.

And well, all these cuts do seem a little harsh. I mean, is it all really necessary? But then, half of my churches would be quite empty if it weren't for the local Conservative associations turning out to make up the numbers. They're what you might think of as my core vote. And let's face it, it's not as if New Labour did anything to stop the City becoming a modern-day Babylon.

Gosh, it's all terribly complicated, but I feel I have to speak my mind. The only thing is, when I do, everyone has a massive go at me. Whatever does it all mean?

Rowan Williams

Dear Archbishop

I feel you are getting a little bogged down. Let's try to simplify the picture. Take a good hard look at yourself. There is a side of you that is classically of the left, interested above all in social justice. But you also depend for your position on the power and influence of an institution that leans to the right. You have a liberal side, but it makes you many enemies. You have a big beard. You are not averse to wearing the odd pair of sandals. You wear funny clothes. Whenever you say something in public it backfires and you are pilloried. Has it occurred to you that you might actually be a Lib Dem?

Dear Dr Mander

As attorney general, it was my duty to review the evidence around the death of Dr David Kelly and consider whether there might be a case for an inquiry. I ruled that the late Ministry of Defence scientist who was the source for reports on the "dodgy dossier" of intelligence on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction committed suicide.

But of course I would say that, wouldn't I?

I'm in the government. We're supposed to cover stuff up. And, strictly between you and me, there's something a bit fishy about the whole thing.

Or am I just being paranoid?

Dominic Grieve

Dear Mr Grieve

It's all perfectly simple. Dr Kelly was driving the car for MI6 that forced Diana and Dodi off the road in Paris, carrying explosives to a mafia intermediary to be passed on to Mossad to plant in the Twin Towers for the 9/11 terror attack. But he left documents in the glove compartment, intended to be delivered to Elvis, showing that the Apollo moon landings were faked by freemasons to justify science budgets that could later be spent fabricating evidence of global warming. He was punished accordingly. I hope that clears everything up.

Dear Dr Mander

I am a fabulously rich banker, loathed by everyone. But I am human too. I have needs. Where can a reviled squillionaire get some TLC these days?

Sir Fred Goodwin

Dear Sir Fred

I think I know just the person. You should hook up with Ryan Giggs. He's rich too; he'll go with anyone and I think you'll find you have a surprising number of things in common.