Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sticker Me Nonplussed: Saving Us From Ourselves

This morning, or yesterday evening, or whenever it was, the world of professional cycling was rocked by a shocking piece of news: 2006 Tour de France winner-for-awhile Floyd Landis is retiring from the sport. Not only that, but he also boldly declared that cycling "cannot be fixed," and that even if it could "that's not my job." This deftly noncomittal shirking of any responsibility indicates that he may already have obtained a lucrative job with an airline, medical insurer, or government agency:

However, Landis will not abandon cycling altogether, though he did lay out specific guidelines for any future participation:

"I'll always ride my bike. But I'll never start on a line on a road and try to get to another line on a road faster than another guy. That's over."

Not only would this rule out any sort of road racing, but it would also implicitly prohibit him from partaking in the increasingly popular discipline of "Cat 6" commuter racing. Still, it does leave the door tantalizingly open for a return to mountain bike racing, as well as trackstanding contests, fixed-gear skidding competitions, bicycle-themed hipster party games that participants hilariously refer to as "sports" such as fixed-gear freestyling and bike polo, and of course an attempt at Sam Whittingham's 82.33mph HPV land speed record:

I should point out that "HPV" in this case stands for "Human Powered Vehicle" and not "Human Papillomavirus."

Note that the above image affords us the opportunity to observe him clad in full tights and assuming an untenable position that suggests either a soul patch-ruffling high-speed descent, or else an extremely aero trackstand.

Clearly we are going to be seeing a lot more of this "young man riding a bicycle," and in fact here's yet another perspective from an ad for the London to Paris Cycle Challenge which was forwarded to me by a reader:

This is a highly significant find, for it's the first time we've been able to get a good look at his bike setup, complete with pre-UCI rule change TT geometry:

I'm not sure what that "mystery dingle" is, but I'm guessing it's the Flux capacitor.

I have never, never seen a cop car pull over a bicyclist for running through a red light. I wish they would, because those are the ones who are creating problems every day in the city. If these people are not obeying traffic laws, they should be held accountable...

First of all, what problems? Second of all, even when they're not in the midst of a "crackdown," police pull over cyclists and give them tickets all the time, as I'm sorry to say I know all too well. Just because you've never seen something doesn't mean it's not happening--I've never seen rats have sex either, yet somehow they manage to reproduce in staggering numbers and even ride the subway. Maybe if we institute mandatory rat registration then all the vermin will start behaving themselves.

The most irritating thing about the bike registration idea is that it's completely gratuitous, since cyclists are already totally accountable for their actions. If you break a traffic law on your bicycle in New York City, the police pull you over and give you a ticket, just like they do if you're driving a car--complete with the same schedule of fines--and if you don't pay it bad things happen to you. In fact, you're even more accountable on a bicycle than you are in a car, since if you have a driver's license and you fail to pay the ticket you got while cycling then they'll suspend your driver's license and you won't be able to drive. Meanwhile, if you run a light in your car nobody's going to try to keep you from cycling--though maybe that's where this whole bike registration thing is going, in which case all those people who get caught driving drunk aren't going to be able to ride old crappy 10-speeds with "bum bars" anymore, and are instead going to have to get around on Rollerblades.

Worst of all, mandatory citywide bicycle registration will have no impact on the worst cycling scofflaws anyway. Take the brakeless hipsters, for example. I'd wager that 80% of Williamsburg hipsters have an out-of-state driver's license with their parents' address on it, which means that when they get pulled over for running a light and the cop asks to see their bicycle registration all they have to do is show their California ID and explain that they're just in town for Monstertrack. Plus, electric bicycles are already illegal in New York state, yet that's not stopping food delivery people from riding them 20mph on the sidewalk. The whole thing evokes the whole "nametag fiasco" from "Seinfeld," and Ulrich's chief advisor must be Lloyd Braun.

I'd gladly take putting a registration sticker on my bike over not having the right to carry my own child on it, and should this law pass it would undermine Portland's smugness irrevocably. Artisanal framebuilders and cycling soup vendors are all pretty good sources of self-satisfaction, but there is no more smug cycling act than throwing a bunch of towheaded children with last names for first names into a "bakfiets," and if Portlanders are unable to do that they might as well just turn their compost heaps into tire fires and start drinking Sanka instead of Stumptown. At the same time, there's no cheaper argument than invoking children's lives, which is what Mitch Greenlick is doing:

"If it's true that it's unsafe, we have an obligation to protect people. If I thought a law would save one child's life, I would step in and do it. Wouldn't you?"

Absolutely--which is why I'm sure he also wants to ban children under six from cars and airplanes. In fact, I think we should take this even further and pass a federal law that makes it illegal to let children outside until they're 21 years old, after which, until they're 35, they can only leave the house if they're accompanied by a parent and legal guardian and are wearing a helmet. Williamsburg would then look like a great big Pop Warner football game--which, thanks to the advent of hipster kickball, is pretty much what it looks like already.

So where can you go if you're willing to take a little responsibility for yourself and you don't mind playing somewhat "fast and loose" with the safety of your offspring? Well, if you look fabulous enough, maybe you can move to Copenhagen and become "Cycle Chic:"

Actually, since that Oregon law would only prohibit you from carrying your child on the bike or in a trailer, this might technically be legal.

I loved Landis' big announcement, talk about redundant. "I can't be fired, because I quit".Anyway, he's got a new job already as Kid Rock's groupee sex stunt double, which could bring back the second interpretation of HPV.

Snobby, this is EXACTLY what the child protection services (at least in Texas) want you to do! "...it illegal to let children outside until they're 21 years old, after which, until they're 35, they can only leave the house if they're accompanied by a parent and legal guardian and are wearing a helmet."

There was time not too long ago when you could carry anything on your bike, provided you kept yourself upright and rollingstraight. I've carried kids, girlfriends and pets on a bike withwithout the stigma of being an outlaw. But these days there are people who've taken it upon themselves to guard us from danger. Don't know if I should be grateful or scared.

Ulrich (who has got a gap suspiciously close to the width of a safety razor between his very sculpted eyebrows, cant he proudly wear a mono-brow and still be ridiculed for his views alone?) clearly considers the bike registration just a first step:-"But if you're 18 and use city streets, you should be accountable.... they share the roads with drivers and pedestrians and they have a responsibility to follow the same laws."

He clearly intends to extend the registration to pedestrians who will presumably need to get a licence too.

The chin-hiding Mitch Greenlick on the other hand is clearly trying to PROMOTE Bakfiets since he cleverly worded his statement to cover children on the BACK of the bike or in trailers. Clearly the powerful Dutch Bike Lobby is firing the first shots in the war against the Madsen...

And now you can get a ticket for running a red light in Central Park, even during car-free hours. Geez, I do my best to obey the law, but this sounds like a bunch of lazy cops shooting fish in a barrel to fill a quota.

I apologize for the countless red lights I rode my bikes through in my forty years of cycling in NewYork. Now that Eric Ulrich has enlightened me to all the problems I created-homelessness, violent crime, unemployment,the long lines at Trader Joe's and so on and so on- Ilive in shame and contrition. MEA CULPA. I'm lashing my back raw.

The cycling legislation that Bike Snob mentioned, HB 2228, has not yet been assigned to a committee. BikePortland.org reports Rep. Greenlick agreed that when (and if) the bill comes before a committee, he will move to strike the violation provision (see http://bikeportland.org/2011/01/13/breaking-greenlick-bill-to-be-amended-changed-to-study-only-45977). Apparently you can monitor the status of HB 2228 at http://gov.oregonlive.com/bill/2011/hb2228/

nothing worse than dumbfuck logic! If one life is saved then I support it???? If any of my representatives displayed this logic I would do everything possible to assure they never held public office again

Speaking of cat 6 racing, have you seen the "silly commuter racing" thread on the bikeradar forums? Admittedly, it's somewhat London-centric; it's quite entertaining though, even for those who don't live there.

Lloyd Braun rides a ten-speed! Actually, both Lloyd Brauns ride a ten-speed, or rather two ten-speeds, I expect, since, as those of us who watch Seinfeld reruns when we should be out riding know, at least two different actors appeared as LB.

I predict Floyd's next move will be to send the email he is no doubt even now crafting, which will threaten to accuse the makers of Michelob light "beer" of putting banned substances in their brew if they don't give him his very own commercial, just like Lance's only lamer. As any good fred should know, cheap Scotch and 7up is a much better drink on which to run red lights and not know it. Long live the crappy ten-speed.

(OK, not sure if this is breaking news, and yes it's three wheels not two... but I live in NZ, I am a proud Kiwi, and yet at the same time this is the nation that gave the world the Ugg boot and wheelie bin racing, plus national coverage of a punchup at a lawn mower race because nothing more interesting was happening. Love your country, just love it with open eyes.)

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!