WHITE HOUSE - At a séance held today in the Diplomatic Room of the White House, President Donald Trump, Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon, Chief of Staff John Kelly, and son-in-law Jared Kushner grasped hands in an attempt to contact the spirit of Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels, and offer him the role of White House Communications Director.

The ghost of Goebbels, upon being summoned, reportedly politely declined. "That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass," said the disembodied voice of the infamous anti-Semite. "With the direction this administration is heading, I frankly don't want to attach my name to this presidency."

At press time, President Trump was inquiring into the availability of Jim Jones.