Thursday, June 12, 2014

My Four Fathers | It's Still Complicated

My Dad. That seems so simple and so easy but it’s
not. Not for so many.

My story is strange and some parts people don’t
even believe. However, the four men that I’ve seen as father-figures have
helped me not go down a bad road as so many girls do when their childhood was a
traumatic one.

Chris at age 2 (wish I had a picture of my
father and grandfather)

My paternal grandfather was ‘daddy’ until I was 12
when he died.

He loved me fiercely and was the first person to tell me that I
could do whatever I wanted in life. That I was special and smart and beautiful and
he believed it. He was the first person that I wanted to make proud. He wasn’t
perfect but I’ll remember the best of him on occasions like this.

When my grandfather was
sick, he would write me letters from the hospital. On the back of the envelope
he wrote, “Go letter, I can’t.” and “My love is in this envelope.” I remember
his handwriting so well. He was my first true love, flaws and all. When I lost
him, I lost a little of myself.

During those first years, my actual birth father
was ‘daddy-Michael’ and still a person I saw somewhat regularly. He was pretty young when I was born so being
a father wasn’t a natural thing for him. He loved music and was determined to make sure I did too. He played guitar and had a great voice. He would teach me harmonies and who people
and bands like America, Crosby, Stills, and Nash, and Janis Joplin were. He
quizzed me on the names of each of The Beatles and the instruments they played.
He told me he loved me often but it took many years before I think he really
knew what it meant.

My father was a free spirit and didn’t fit the
mold his father, an Alabama deputy sheriff, had for him.

He
needed freedom but didn’t know how to be alone.

After my grandfather died, I moved in with my
father and ‘daddy-Michael’ became ‘dad’. For a while, it was just he and I
figuring it out. He tried. We got along well but honestly, he needed a wife or
a mom. I quickly learned that I wanted my future husband (were I to have one) to
be independent. I learned a lot from him. I loved him, flaws and all.

The man I call my father now met me when I was a
14 year old teen with a mixed up life and a need for stability. When I was 15,
his wife (my mom now) told him that I was moving in and they were going to be
my parents. End of story. I wasn’t there so I don’t know how he reacted to that
statement. What I do know is that he became the father I had always needed. I
call him Buddy (so does everyone else).

Buddy showed me what it means to be responsible
and dependable. He taught me about money and how quietly helping others is
essential. He never complains, even
through cancer and treatments. He is a stellar human that is always there for
friends and family in need without a single thought or a need for gratitude or
recognition.

Buddy walked me out on to the football field for
high school homecoming court, he was there when I graduated from high school,
college, and every important day in between.
He (and my mom) walked me down the aisle at my wedding and he was there
to dance with me on that day. Saying
that he has changed my life for the better is a tremendous understatement. He’s not perfect but he’s pretty close and I
love him.

Adam and Dad K on our wedding day

My last dad, the man that I call Dad K, surprised
me. This poker-loving, die-hard Yankee
fan dentist from New York that has a Bronx accent was pretty intimidating when
I first met him. He has become one of my
favorite people in the world. He is
intelligent, responsible and kind and has helped mold and raise one of the best
men I could ever imagine, my husband. Dad
K sets a standard for which all fathers and father-in-laws should strive. No, he doesn’t really like college football or
roller coasters but I love him anyway.

There’s really so much I can say about each of
these fathers and their roles in my life and the lives of others. The most
important thing I can say is that I am very fortunate and I am grateful. I’ve
come to realize that the things that I love most about all of these men is also
alive and well in my husband.As I wrote
so much about in A Letter to My Daughters About Their Father, my husband is a terrific
father and an amazing person.I would
say that I’m lucky that he’s the father to my children but, you see, it was by
design.

The man I met so many years ago, that was
responsible and fun and played music (yes, it was CSN and America and all of my
birth father’s favorites), had a warm heart and was great with kids.I saw the father I thought that he would be
one day.It was all of the best of my
father figures wrapped into one with a whole lot of other amazing and original
qualities all his own.He is now setting
the standard.My daughters may not
realize it yet, but they are truly lucky.Well, maybe they have an idea...

As you may have read, My Five Mothers | It's Complicated, my mother situation is complicated and my
father situation is too. However, I
choose to see the good and wonderful gifts that I’ve had. I know that I am
fortunate. I am grateful for the things
that they all have taught me and that they led me to the love of my life and the
perfect father for my children.

Thanks for reading.

Much Love,
Chris

Also, I want to send a quick thank you to all of the
fathers out there. As with mothers, that title is earned not just given because
one act. Fathers, thank you for shaping our future. Thank you for standing by
your children. Thank you for doing the hardest job in the world, your children
are worth it.

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Welcome - I am Chris!

Brand new to blogging but not writing. I am not crafty or fashionable or vegan or a great cook or super religious. Sometimes feel like the odd mom out. I am a thinker, an introvert and not always easy to get to know. I am sincere, love people, have a kind heart and a lot to say but am just now finding my voice. Thank you for reading my words and hearing it. -- I write about our parenting style. I write about being a quiet voice in a loud world. I write about raising daughters that are looking for their voices too. I study happiness, motivation, confidence, and personality types, and parent my children with all of this in mind. We try new things and are happy to share our experiments. Married to a charismatic musician and music teacher. We have two amazing daughters. The smart, sometimes anxious, strong, and introverted Lore (age 10) & the sensitive, bright, kind, competitive Stori (age7). -- Taught piano for 10+ years, worked in HR and Training & Development, and have a passion for mind-body connection, health & happiness. I write curricula and now run a start-up business in after-school enrichment education in Atlanta, GA.