Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Is my Ben 10 cheating on me?

Is my ‘Ben 10’ cheating on me?

Mine is a unique problem driven by jealousy more than anything else. I think I messed up my life, but I feel this is the time to open up and speak to you about it. It has been weighing on my mind since I met this young man that I stay with. I did not get any advice from my friends and family it is only now that I hear that they say things behind my back kuti siyai zvakadaro, achachema hake.

In short, I met a young guy after the death of my husband and we fell for each other. My first born is slightly older than this guy, I am a mother of five, two daughters and three sons. Mai Chisamba, let me refer to him as Tom although it isn’t his name.

Zvese ndinazvo from house to car, so Tom just brought his bag of clothes. In the process I confused my kids and introduced him as sekuru, at times bhuti, muzukuru pamwe mulodger wedu. The kids have seen me with this guy at odd hours and they are not comfortable around him any more so vakomana vaviri vakuru vakudhakwa because of stress.

They have resorted to beer drinking because they can’t ask me and they are really out of hand I can’t control them. I go to church but I now feel guilty about my lifestyle of too many skeletons in the closet. My problem is Tom is getting too comfortable with everything and now feels like kababa in my home.

I no longer trust him. I have a feeling he is now dating other girls vezera rake. A few days ago I bumped into him with a female passenger and instead of waving to me, akawedzera speed kutiza, mind you he was driving my car. I asked him but he insists that it wasn’t him. Ko ini ndingatadze kuziva mota yangu here?

Please help, what should I do I’m no longer happy with this arrangement I’m in a dilemma. Ndinomukandira kabag kake panze for being ungrateful.

Response

My first question is why do you complicate your life? A good and simple life is about having a clear conscience too many skeletons in the closet will destroy you. Why did you lie to your kids in the first place? Why did you not just tell them the truth about who Tom really was? I hope you did not extend the same lies to your so-called church.

How can one person be sekuru, bhuti, muzukuru and lodger? Aiwa tipeiwo maserious, you are setting a bad example for your children you are the sole parent they look up to. See where you have driven your sons. Can’t you see Tom is using your resources to date other women? What do you make of that?

The writing on the wall is clear if he is cheating on you it means he does not care for you. Why don’t you let this immature baby go? After all you are old enough to be his mother. In foreign cultures they say age is just but a number, true if you get on well. Kuno kumusha pane nyaya it’s different that’s why your friends and family now say uchachema hako.

Locally some say this arrangement works better if the husband is older and not the other way round. I suggest you think twice if you intend to marry this guy. I agree you messed up your life but it’s never too late to turn over a new leaf. Ko kabag komoda kukanda panze kanoziveiwo? Sit down with Tom and tell him how you feel about his behaviour.

I also feel that you owe your family an explanation, these are the people who matter in your life. You are cracking your head over this pamwe kuna Tom all this is just a big joke.

Finally if a relationship brings misery it’s not worth pursuing. Remove all the skeletons in your closet and live a free and normal life. Don’t sacrifice your happiness, your children and your family in the name of love. Most importantly take your two eldest children for therapy they need help like yesterday.

Is this a friend in DEED?

I’m staying with a friend in the Avenues in Harare. I invited him after he lost two places dzaaigara, one in Warren Park and the other in Chitungwiza. All along I wondered why and felt sorry for him now that I stay with him ndazvionera pamhuno sefodya, haaite.

He hardly contributes towards food and rent but I don’t want to dwell on that too much although it does bother me. I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He gave me a short and sharp answer “vakadzi vanonetsa that’s why I do touch and go”.

I was shocked when I got to know what he meant. He is a guy who does not want commitment. He goes for the ladies of the night those who solicit by the street corners. I don’t want these dirty women in my house with their horrible and funny hairstyles dyed in all sorts of colours.

The other day I pushed one from my stove when she tried to cook; I just can’t stand it. I sent him an email that we should part ways, but he did not respond. I want him gone like yesterday. I don’t know what to do, please help.

I was well brought up and because of these people who come to my place looking for my friend, my parents, lover and siblings no longer frequent my home. A few weeks ago I read from a newspaper an article that said a hairstyle tells the character of a person. Is that true, Mai Chisamba? Ko ndomudzinga sei, ndibatsirewo?

Response

Inga iwe warumwa nechekuchera. First, let me congratulate you on being a good and caring friend because taking him into your home says it all. I agree your friend should go, but there is an amicable way to do it. In Shona they have an adage that says kutanga handibasa asi kupedza. You just can’t kick him out into the cold before you tell him why, you need to show him that picking women from the street is risky.

He also needs to learn to have a proper relationship if he’s interested in women and also learn to be self-sufficient, he cannot be a free loader all his life.

There are so many lessons he needs to learn. Why don’t you help your friend see a professional counsellor before he leaves your place? Tell him frankly that you won’t allow any of those women into your home, if he insists then they can go elsewhere.

Please control your temper, pushing someone who is trying to cook from a lit stove can be very dangerous. All you need to do is communicate and let them know that you are the owner of the apartment and you don’t stand for nonsense.

Why don’t you confront your friend? Sending an email to someone you stay with does not seem appropriate, muudze feya feya. This should be done promptly for the sake of your girlfriend and family.

Lastly your question about hairstyles and character is debatable, but in my personal opinion. I think you can tell a lot from someone’s hairdo, that’s why at times people say wow! Maihwe! Or ah pane, basa apa! Etc. Finally give your friend a few weeks to wind off while you follow the steps I mentioned above.

Greedy Colleagues

I wanted to say mine is a small problem, but I remember you once said that anything that is a bother and deprives you of your happiness is a problem. Please don’t get me wrong, handinyime, kubasa kwedu we bring our own packed lunch because food is expensive, but pane munhu mumwe chete anokumbira se ane shavi.

We really don’t know what to do, but he is a bother. Even if he sees you chewing he will say, murikutsengeiko? He is an adult, why doesn’t he bring his own food if he loves it this much? Yes here and there people share their food with others, but this one will go from desk to desk straight-faced, haana nyadzi Mai Chisamba, this is not a joke, please give us a lasting solution.

Response

Yours is a very straight-forward issue and I don’t understand why many people cannot nip this in the bud. This guy is not a thief he asks for food and he knows for sure the answer is either yes or no. Why do you pick yes when you mean to say no? You should learn to be true to yourselves. Munomutya here? I think life will be easier for you if you learn to say no. Musadye uroyi nekunyara!

Confront him and tell him that he is bothering you and that he must learn to bring his own food otherwise he will go without lunch. Uku ndiko kunonzi kukwata, he is just greedy. You asked for a lasting solution and this is it, deny him the food and good luck.