Thursday, September 07, 2006

Only One Place To Go From Here...

Sadly, I watch CNN all day long. All day. It's not so much as a personal choice as much as it's an occupational requirement. Still, it provides me with a level of laughing-at-them comedy throughout the day that I wouldn't normally get at other jobs.

Christ, right now they're showing live "NEW VIDEO" of Paris Hilton being driven around in an unmarked grey vehicle after her DUI misdemeanor arrest early this morning, complete with a bright red "JUST IN" banner wasting the lower third of the screen. I guess this is what constitutes news these days, but hey, at least they're covering a living blonde chick this time. Usually, they've gotta be blonde and pulseless to get any semblance of air time.

Ordinarily I refer to the hours between 10 am and 4 pm as WCNN, the time when you'd think you were watching local news had it not been for the three-letter branding all over the screen: shoddy anchors, poor production, zero news value and the most horrific editorial judgment on television. I half-expect these jokers to go to every commercial break saying, "We'll be right back to Good Day, Des Moines right after this word from Softex Stool Softener and Uncle Buddy's Fun-o-Rama."

WCNN lost one of its worst offenders this week, and I'd like to take a minute to wish Daryn Kagan the best of luck at her new job away from the network. Not many people know this, but since I have the inside scoop, I'll let you in a little secret. Kagan departed the network not for a better job within the news business, but for a cooler one outside the world of journalism: Folks, say hello to the newest lead singer of the Aerosmith cover band, Draw the Line.

The current Steven Tyler recently had to undergo lymph-node reconstruction surgery, and while he's away, Kagan will be filling in for him. I think it's a brilliant career move, and probably a step up in terms of people taking her seriously. Best of luck, D.

Slack Wound-Salt Application of the Day: Congratulations to Anibal Sanchez for tossing a no-hitter against the the D-Backs last night. Some kudos bars are also due to Hanley Ramirez, who knocked around the 10th triple of his rookie season last night, which goes along with his 35 doubles, 13 homers and 44 stolen bases.

Quite a dynamic duo, and a huge part of a truly unbelievable Marlins run that I highlighted earlier this week. Sanchez and Ramirez: Where the hell did these two guys come from? Mang, I'd hate to learn they came from my team's farm system, like say in a trade for an overrated pitcher with a last name like...Beckett or something.

Slack Link of the Day: When I read the headline this morning that President Bush named Clay Aiken to a national panel on mental disabilities, I thought the gay community would go absolutely batshit when they found out about that slur. But then I read the article, and it's okay, it's not what I thought at all.