Sustainance for the soul

My soul is as steadfast as an old stone ditch

I held my feet in my hands this morning and told them I loved them. Yes. My feet. They need a lot of loving care right now because a) they are part of me and b) I have neglected them.

It is so wonderful to be aware of my own needs. It’s a long story but I have neglected myself for years. This April will be my first ‘Simply Conscious’ anniversary. Before you go googling for information on where to attend the conference, let me explain. That’s what I call this change inside me. On April 26th 2012 I will celebrate my first year of consciously taking care of myself. I still haven’t figured out how I am going to celebrate it but it’s a dead cert, I will be celebrating me.

That day last year, my soul comforted me as I lay crying. Broken. Spent. It softly whispered, “You know what; you gotta take care of yourself. It’s your turn now.” It was as simple as that. No fancy words, just love. I surrendered. No ranting and raving, no arguments, no guilt, just an acceptance, a letting go. My soul sparked a dying ember that provided me with enough light to see in the dark. The heat of the flicker provided me with enough energy to warm my weary bones. My soul held up a memory of me—the way I used to be when I lived to love and loved to live. It nudged me in the general direction. Now here I am nearing my first ‘Conscious’ anniversary knowing I have dipped, dived and dragged myself from the wreckage but also knowing I am getting better and better. I know I love myself. I know I am enough. I know life loves me and I love life and yet I still sleep with my boots on…

You see, I can run but I cannot hide. I can ignore the signs, cut lose, break in, break out, go my own way, become distracted, stray, escape, keep busy, work, avoid, abuse, deny, hide, complain, get frustrated, argue, weep. I can go on vacation, dance at the party, go to a fortune-teller, buy self-help books, fail to learn lessons, collect crutches, cures and excuses in the form of family, friends, food, drugs, sex ‘n rock n’ roll, pain, injury, unresolved grief…the list goes on. I can do whatever I want to do but the soul will know. It will not be ignored. It will not allow me to betray myself. It will not stop me, but I will know. I never get away with it. My weary old soul will hang in their like a master’s dog wagging its tail waiting for me to be the best friend I can be to myself.

When that day comes—when I do a tinsy winsy weensy thing like smile at myself in the mirror or allow my tired body to have a snooze without guilt or fill my home with Beethoven I know then I have come home. I have come home many times over this past year and will continue to do so until I love myself enough to know, no matter what, the loving whispers of my soul is home.

It is a work in progress. All my life I have been spontaneous and terribly sensitive. I soak up other people’s energy and carry their burdens as though they are my own. When I put other people’s needs first I suffer a serious lack of self care. As a full-time carer to my autistic son I am learning slowly but surely how to care for myself.

I caught myself crying at the news recently—an experience I have had from a very early age. Since last year I quit television and only watch the news when my energy is at a high vibration (which truly isn’t very often—that’s a work in progress too!) but one day last week I was caught off guard. I wept sore for a man torn in grief—a man I never knew or never met. This wasted energy is useless to everyone including me—I am not here to save the world but in loving myself enough I can take care of myself and others that touch my life. In my self-care I am becoming aware of who I am and I am trying to understand the reasons why I react to certain things without taking on pain and grief that is not mine. Raising my awareness of me has helped me distinguish between my own pain and that of another, who and what I am responsible for and how I can keep my overwhelming sense of empathy in check. Lovingly, I am learning to care, protect and love me with all my sensitivities and quirkiness.

Only when I love myself unconditionally, will I create and draw loving energy toward myself. Only when I remember that I am Divine Energy, will I love myself unconditionally. When I connect with my soul only then have I something that no one can take away from me—the divine light of my own truth. That’s when I become my own Anam Cara—a friend to my soul that is as steadfast as an old stone ditch. That’s when I can sit up on my bed and caress my feet knowing I am loved unconditionally.

So true, so true. I experienced the same level of trauma with similar realizations through similar means. And, I sit here today with similar struggles in reminding myself what I know and staying on center. So difficult. Wisdom doesn’t always guarantee a smooth ride. Thank goodness, though, that we know what we know. Otherwise, what a greater mess we would be. Love to you. May you continue to know your worth.

I ended up in the hospital in March 2007 with pneumonia because I refused to allow my sick, weary body to REST. Three days on an IV will wake you the hell up. In the hospital shower, drenched with fever sweat from my 104 degree temp. I also apologized out loud to my body and swore I would — as I have not done since — ever again take it for granted or abuse it or treat it like a machine. I so admire your willingness to really sit with what you had been doing and to say it aloud.

I, too, have always been the sort of person to quickly (too quickly) feel others’ pain. Having an alcoholic bi-polar mother can do that to you! Now that she and I are no longer in touch, my life is totally different and happier than I have ever been.

Caitlin, I was leaving to pick up the children so I only read the first sentence but now I see you too have put yourself through the mill in the past. Life teaches us so much if we are willing to learn to take extreme care of ourselves. Sometimes to do that, we have to detach with love (or with a good pair of sharp scissers but I like to throw love into the mix too!)