Pony Up, Daddy! The End of the American Father

It’s been a rough road for the American dad. From their portrayal in commercials since commercials existed, to being walked all over in every HGTV reality show where he’s forced into living in a Tiny House, or choosing between identical paint swatches, the USA Daddy has been dragged into his role as the castrated fool.

Dads don’t get it, and most of this degradation is welcomed with open-arms. Dads can’t dance, fuck up basic human tasks around the home, and seek only the freedom to listen to their favorite Creedence Clearwater Revival mix CDs on their way to and from work without having their seat kicked or hearing about an “interesting” HuffPo think-piece.

Just when we thought life couldn’t get any more fucked for USA Daddy, enter Pony Up, Daddy the new As Seen on TV product to, at long last, crush whatever quiet dignity Dad had left.

Everything about this product commercial is designed to ruin the psyche of the American dad; from the horrifying compliance of the father who goes from relaxing on the couch to excitedly getting on all-fours upon non-verbal request…to the condescending implication that “Moms can do it, too,” briefly saddling up a woman in a creepy and bizarrely off-putting manner, as if to say “jay-kay, women have some self-respect left!”

In conclusion, this is not to imply that Pony Up, Daddy (a name obviously chosen to belittle the American father’s financial responsibility to his family) spells the end of days for the American male. One must acknowledge that USA Daddy does not represent all men. Single men are glorified by the media and commercial industry as independent and wealthy in wallet and spirit. But something happens the split-second that fatherhood enters into the equation.

As males, it is implied that we want giant burgers fed to us by super models, fast and loud cars that we can’t possibly afford, fashionable suits, and razors with an obnoxious level of blades…but as soon as we become dads, it’s time to saddle up, Pony Boy, and get ready for more horseplay than a Penn State shower room.