Leaving Lady Gaga

While searching for the next big thing, I found myself.

At age 19, I let the biggest music industry deal of the past decade slip through my hands.

And it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

When I began at NYU’s Music Technology program in 2005, I had two goals: to become the president of one of the four major record labels and one of the top music producers in the world. College doesn’t exactly provide a path to massive success in the entertainment industry, so on top of my heavy course load I worked day and night to groom my creative and business skills. There was a long way to becoming a “hit maker,” but by 19 I was already quite good.

In my sophomore year, I landed a rare internship at Atlantic Records, one of the biggest record labels in the world. The road to an executive seat at a major label goes like this: find a hit singer, record a top-notch album, sell millions of copies, and repeat. Though I was the youngest person at the company, that was my goal.

I scoured independent music sites, scouted local music clubs, and rummaged through endless stacks of demos that were collecting dust in our office. Nearly all of the hundreds or thousands of musicians I listened to were uninspiring. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack, but I was determined to find it.

As I searched through these mountains of music, I remembered a singer named Stefani who my roommate had introduced me to. Before I joined Atlantic Records, I spoke with Stefani about reproducing one of her songs called “No Floods.” It needed a lot of work, but I saw that she had tremendous star potential. After three long days of remixing her song in my dorm-room studio, I excitedly called her to discuss working together, but she never returned my calls. My ego was shattered.

A few months ago I was a nobody who couldn’t even get his calls returned. Now I was on the VIP list.

Months later, after I began working at Atlantic Records, I decided that I wanted to pitch Stefani to the company. Even though I was upset that she ignored me beforehand, I swallowed my pride and reached out to her manager, Bob Leone, who responded enthusiastically and invited me to see her perform at a songwriter’s showcase.

It was March 23, 2006 at The Cutting Room in Manhattan. Bob eagerly greeted me and introduced me to Stefani as “Elan from Atlantic Records.” I liked the sound of that. A few months ago I was a nobody who couldn’t even get his calls returned. Now I was on the VIP list.

Stefani debuted a new song called “Hollywood.” It was an improvement on her previous material, but there was still a lot of work to do, so I decided to wait before mentioning anything to the senior executives at Atlantic. The truth is that I was afraid to take the risk. I cringed at the thought of putting myself on the line and getting rejected. It was a bit of a theme in my life at the time. I had big dreams, but was always afraid to take the jump.

Soon afterwards, Bob gave me great news. Rob Fusari, a famous producer, was recording new demo recordings for Stefani. As soon as they finished, I would make sure we were the first company to have her in our office.

In the meantime, I was taking a whopping eight classes that semester at NYU and spending all my free time at Atlantic Records. I had no time for anything but my career and I was getting seriously burnt out. That single-minded focus was causing me to neglect all the other important areas of my life, and I felt like something was really missing. It was a classic mid-life crisis story. The only difference was that I was still a teenager.

I began a self-improvement book binge, hoping I could read myself back into balance. But it didn’t work. My life was seriously unbalanced. But this was my dream, wasn’t it? I couldn’t imagine slowing down when everything seemed within reach. So I kept pushing.

Journey to the Holy Land

As the spring rolled into summer, I had a much-needed vacation: a trip to Israel on Birthright. The trip was amazing. I fell in love with the land. I hung on every word of the rabbis’ wisdom. I felt close to my Jewish heritage. For those 10 days, I felt like a better version of myself.

When I was hosted by different families, I saw a profound degree of love and respect, not only between husband and wife, but also between children and parents.

One evening I was sitting with a rabbi at his house, and one of the kids came out of his bedroom upset about a fight he had with his sibling. The rabbi whispered something to his son and the boy immediately broke out in a big smile, happily marching back to his room. A few minutes later one of the other kids was also upset, and the rabbi did the same thing.

I was so amazed. I asked him, "How did you do that?"

He pointed to his wall filled with hundreds of Jewish books and said, "There’s a few things about parenting in there.”

In Israel I finally had a chance to slow down and reflect on life. I was on the road to everything I wanted but I wasn’t satisfied. So I decided to take a risk, which was uncommon for me at the time. I emailed my bosses and told them I was staying in Israel for another two weeks.

I’d keep pushing harder until I got everything I wanted, only to find out it wasn’t enough.

When I returned to New York, the next step was crazy: I decided to leave Atlantic Records. I had a dream job with a major record label and was about to pitch what might have been the deal of a lifetime. I could have easily stayed at the company for another few weeks, pitched Stefani and waited to see if it worked out. But I knew that if I didn’t leave then, I would just keep pushing harder and harder until I got everything I thought I wanted, only to find out that it wasn’t enough.

I scheduled a meeting with my boss. I told her there were parts of my life besides my career that were also part of my “dream” and I wanted to dedicate more time to them. I wanted to have a deeply meaningful life. I didn’t know how to get it, but I knew I wanted it. My boss understood and let me off easily. No two weeks notice necessary. No finishing up projects. At the end of that meeting, it was all over.

One Step Back

As I finished my junior year, three of the four artists I wanted to pitch to Atlantic Records were offered major record deals. I did find a needle in the haystack... a few of them. Stefani signed to Island Records and I waited to see if anything would come of it.

In the meantime, I became more involved in the Jewish community on campus by attending Shabbos meals and studying Torah. I had no interest in religion whatsoever but I had a thirst for growth. These seemingly antiquated rabbis were so consistently deep, wise and filled with joy. I knew there must be something behind it all.

When I met different Jews connected to Torah, it struck me how well they seemed to understand the complexities of life. I often felt that my decisions were like rolling the dice and I was second-guessing myself all the time. But these people seemed to have the clarity to build the most important areas of life – relationships, personal growth, family, spiritual growth, etc. They had a framework for moving forward with confidence and empowering each person to discover their own path to greatness.

I wondered why no one ever told me about this Jewish treasure house before. I wanted to go to the source to find out more. I found out that the best place to learn Jewish wisdom is a yeshiva, and the finest ones were in Jerusalem. A few of my friends had gone and had an amazing experience.

I scored internships in Los Angeles with three of the top music producers in the world.

But I got distracted with an offer I couldn’t refuse. I scored internships in Los Angeles with three of the top music producers in the world, spending six weeks observing recording sessions with celebrities like Christina Aguilera, Hoobastank and New Kids on the Block. I was being mentored by the best of the best. My bosses produced artists such as Chris Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, Bon Jovi, P. Diddy, Fall Out Boy, OneRepublic, Adele, Katy Perry, Aerosmith, Elton John, Colbie Callait, Pink, Celine Dion and many more chart-toppers.

One of the producers offered me a full-time job as an assistant, which was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to observe him produce some of the most famous albums of the era. Yet it would have torn me away from the friends, family and growth I cared about so much in New York. So I turned it down.

In the fall of 2008, I went back to New York to start my career from scratch. I started an independent record label and eventually had to subsidize my entrepreneurial dreams with a salaried job. I was working with my father in real estate from nine-to-five and for myself from six-to-midnight. I used my extra money to build a home studio and the first song I produced and co-wrote was licensed by Warner Brothers Television and Red Bull.

Between all of this I was meeting my local rabbis to study Torah. I looked forward to it more than any other part of my week. I was also observing Shabbos, which rounded out my busy schedule with a full day dedicated to reflection and spiritual growth.

It would have been a lot easier to glide toward success at a corporate label or with a big producer in LA, but I was happy with this path.

Then something shocking happened. Stefani put out a new album and her music hit the radio. Then something even more shocking happened. She hit number one on radio. I was sorting papers nine-to-five and prying my eyes open in my makeshift studio at night, and the artist I wanted to pitch to Atlantic Records was all over the radio.

Then Stefani Germanotta became the biggest pop star in the world. They called her Lady Gaga. She was making millions of dollars and I was making near-minimum wage. What did I do?!

Taking a Leap

The months passed. The winter came and it was time to see if I learned my lesson. Could I finally take a risk for something I really believed in?

It was over a year after graduation and I still didn’t have the guts to go to Jerusalem. I had big existential questions and was craving intense growth, but I was afraid of all the unknowns. What would my friends and family say? Was I going to make major changes in my life? Was I going to feel homesick thousands of miles away? What if I hated this new experience?

I kept delaying. It was the same mistake again: I believed in something and was afraid to take a risk.

At the time, I was regularly attending Jewish spirituality seminars. I was inspired with each new program, but as soon as I left the inspiration waned. Eventually I realized that I was relying on someone else – something external – to inspire me. It was not self-generating, and I was operating on borrowed power.

I no longer wanted to be a spectator. The only way to have an extraordinary life is by taking extraordinary action. When the Jews left Egypt, the Red Sea didn’t split until one man, Nachshon, decisively entered the water.

So I took the leap. I arrived in Israel on December 31, 2009, to go to yeshiva for however long it took to find what I was looking for.

The Deal of a Lifetime

Fast forward six months. I was sitting in my yeshiva dorm room, speaking with my mother on the phone. She told me that Lady Gaga made $50 million that year.

I was totally shocked. Not by what my mom said, but by what I said:

“Mom, I feel like I made $100 million.”

There I was, in my tiny dorm room, crowded with four other guys. I had a top bunk, and since our ceiling was arched, when the heat turned on I felt like I was being baked in a convection oven. I was woken up almost every night by the sound of my roommates closing our loud door. To make matters worse, my tall roommate on the bottom bunk sometimes got up in the morning so quickly that he would bang his head on my bunk and wake me with a jolt.

On top of it all, I ruined a golden opportunity to catapult myself to the top of the music industry. I lost everything I wanted.

And what did I have to show for it?

Everything I really wanted.

Bringing in Shabbos with song and prayer every Friday night in Jerusalem was far more moving than any hit song I ever heard. The symphony of wisdom from my humble teachers took me higher than any concert with 20,000 screaming fans. Best of all, this song didn’t end when the curtains went down. Every day adds another building block to the most significant production I’ll ever make: a life saturated with meaning.

Music transforms a simple experience into something that seems to matter a whole lot more. The only problem is that the song stops. Money, fame, beauty, and power are all the same. They temporarily bring new color to our lives and then lose their luster.

I learned that true success is not about collecting a bunch of possessions, prestigious achievements, or exciting life experiences. It’s about collecting the pieces of who you really are, and trying with all your might to put them together.

For three years, I stood at the feet of giants in Jerusalem, who shared with me the secrets of joy, wisdom, and walking with purpose.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 50

(47)
Su,
July 13, 2014 9:31 PM

Beautiful!

I left a lucrative career as a director and stage actress for exactly the same reasons. I didn't really see it coming, I didn't understand it, and I fought it all the way. But now, my life is so much richer. I could never have imagined such a full, productive, complete way of living before this. I would never go back to such a small life of parties, accolades, and indulgence. It's all nothing.

(46)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2014 2:08 AM

Great!

I laughed and smiled so many times while reading this; Elan, you are smart in all the right ways in addition to being an excellent writer. It makes me happy for you.

(45)
Dad,
October 17, 2013 12:35 AM

You choose the path of no regrets and you are the better for it

(44)
Basha,
August 11, 2013 3:07 AM

Joy, Wisdom, and Shalom

I enjoyed your story Élan. I too share a similar story in thst I am a vocalist, but I also honor Torah. Often the two worlds do not mix. My friends are constantly asking me "What are you doing ", why army you out there? I have chosen the path of Shalom. I applaud your journey to Shalom as well.
By the way, if you're interested email me, I have a great voice with great morals, lol. darrstarr_99@yahoo.com

(43)
Samantha Criscione,
August 4, 2013 10:35 PM

Dear Elan, you are very brave --- and BTW, Lady Gaga is an antisemite

Dear Elan, you are not only brave, you also avoided the danger of promoting an antisemite.

In 2011 Ms. Germanotta aka Lady Gaga released the song "Judas," which perpetuates the Christian antisemitic slander about Judas Iscariot being a demon, and/or a demon's instrument, the archetypical traitor and quintessential evil.

Here is what Ms. Germanotta sings in "Judas":<< [...] he betrays me/[...] he's so cruel/ [...] Jesus is my virtue/Judas is the demon I cling to >>.

And of course every Christian, therefore including Ms. Germanotta aka Lady gaga, is taught that Judas is the archetypical Jew, or, in the words of Hyam Maccoby, the despicable but necessary "sacred executioner".

Sadly enough, the only ones to condemn Ms. Germanotta's "Judas" song in 2011 were Catholics for --- blasphemy! 'Tis a pityful state of affairs.

So, dear Elan, it was a close shave.

-- Samantha Criscione

(42)
Dave Cohen,
June 12, 2013 6:53 PM

When you wake up in 10 years and see that your life is still incomplete , remember its about balance - its too simplistic to think that you now have everything - there is still a long road to travel!

(41)
Donna,
June 11, 2013 8:46 AM

Sold their soul to the devil

Perhaps you don't believe it but you chose life instead of death by refusing to eat the forbidden fruit, appetizing as it may be. Stay on the path to life and live. God bless you.

(40)
Anonymous,
June 10, 2013 11:22 PM

You ***REALLY*** won

A few months ago I tried a lightweight Zumba routine, set to a pop tune I'd never heard before. After the workout I "googled" the name of the song, which led me to the artist's YouTube channel. This was my first - and last - exposure to one of the most overindulgent, licentious and toxic women I've ever seen. Maybe it was a malach that directed you away from Stefani, or maybe it was a stroke of great mazal, but either way, you are so fortunate to have avoided her. You really won the spirituality lottery by going to Yeshiva in the holiest place on earth. Mazel tov and hatlzacha raba on your journey!

(39)
S, Schoenberger,
June 10, 2013 7:49 PM

Wow!

Until I met my friend YD, I could not relate to your story. There are many winners like you out there. All the same you are very special and inspire us one and all.

(38)
Suzanne,
June 4, 2013 8:56 PM

Very interesting story

I came of age during the 60's and the 70's. The reality is that I LOVED the sound of the music I grew up with but, in retrospect, I really HATE the message that so much of it gave. As a matter of fact, I think it went a long way into inciting impressionable young people into acting immorally. Who's Lady GaGa anyway? She may be a talented vocalist but she's also someone who wraps herself in meat and is just kind of slutty and meaningless. Billions of fans grove out to her but it's really pretty shabby stuff. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE music - it's just that SO much of what passes for "music" these days incites young people into behaving badly. Do you really want to have that on your head? OK, so maybe in the future, since you obviously have a sense for recognizing talent, you can find new performers who have class and can inspire young people to act with graciousness and dignity.

(37)
Maurice R,
June 4, 2013 3:18 AM

The story does not end here...

I have had the privilege of working alongside the author for a short while. Whilst reading this article online today for the first time my jaw dropped! Can you imagine working alongside someone that has such an amazing story andd the strength of character to do the unthinkable and yet he just kept it quite not bragging about it.

Elan! you make Am Yisrael Proud! HKBH Proud! and most of all you have raised the bar for all professionals.

(36)
Cyndy Taylor,
June 2, 2013 7:42 AM

You made the right decisions.

You have already learned great wisdom. You have followed God's leading to carve out YOUR special pathway in Life. I respect & admire you for that. Fame is fleeting, but salvation is forever.

(35)
Mary,
June 1, 2013 7:16 PM

inspiring.

I found his story to be quite an inspiration. Thankyou, Mr. Cohn, for sharing it.

(34)
Anonymous,
May 30, 2013 8:24 PM

Thank you so much for shairing your story. It was really beautiful and inspirational.

(33)
Sharon,
May 30, 2013 8:05 AM

Nice story

What birthright trip exposed you to rabbis? That's not typical of what I've heard. Also it wasn't clear when and why you became a believer.

(32)
SusanE,
May 30, 2013 4:50 AM

The Best of Both Worlds.

"so I decided to wait before mentioning anything to the senior executives at Atlantic. The truth is that I was afraid to take the risk. I cringed at the thought of putting myself on the line and getting rejected". - - - - - - - The author probably could have done both if he had taken the risk. He would have had success in the music field and then left that to study Torah.

shirley,
May 31, 2013 5:07 PM

perhaps, however timing is everything for both reaching success in the music industry as well as success in finding your path for true happiness in life. had he not gone that way at that moment, he possibly could have missed that window when his heart and soul were open to another way of life.
he now knows he has the talent and work ethic to make it in that way if he wanted to, btu this time on the virtues of torah and with Hashem. Lady Gage is not the last big thing, there are many more to come.
xo

(31)
Anonymous,
May 30, 2013 1:32 AM

wow!! this was an absolutely amazing story!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you so much for sharing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(30)
E. Deutsch,
May 29, 2013 9:14 PM

wow!

Elan,

Your heartfelt words and love of G-d touched my heart. I hope to one day feel as successful and accomplished as you because you're right- you do have it all as does every religious Jew. What more could one want?

Thank you for inspiring me to reach ever higher. Let's grow together!

(29)
Yoni Denitz,
May 29, 2013 6:56 PM

ELON! YOU ARE THE MAN!

Elon! Dude! How are you? I can't believe you wrote for Aish.com! that's AWESOME! I was zoche to hear this story in person more than once and it's truly unbelievable and inspiring. Keep in touch! im going to email you, bli neder, soon.

(28)
Jonathan Keefe,
May 29, 2013 4:41 PM

I'm so proud of you

To opt out a lifestyle with all the glitter and no substance is something so few are able to do. Kol HaKavod to you.

(27)
CPerdomo,
May 29, 2013 2:50 PM

Very inspiring

Great story Elan. The only part that I don't get is the red sea part... I think you might be confused with the parting of the Jordan river.There's nothing better than being in the presence of Hashem. Good choice.I'm a musician and honestly... can't stand lady gaga... maybe that's why you were hesitant about her...Shalom

(26)
Batya,
May 29, 2013 6:33 AM

May HaShem grant you continued growth and joy!

Absolutely inspiring story, Elan. I'm glad you had the courage to share this stunning story of personal triumph. I hope you have success in all your endeavors!

(25)
abey,
May 28, 2013 3:13 PM

at the drop of a hat do ones sell their souls today- To the devil.

In all this you should thank God that you are neither Stefani nor Gaga.

Beth,
May 29, 2013 3:50 PM

Thank God you listened to your heart!!!

AMEN TO THAT!!!

(24)
Koluwo Simon Peter Alengai,
May 28, 2013 2:00 PM

I would to discover the secrets of Joy, Wisdom and of Walking with Purpose.

What you have described for me, makes me yarn for more Secrets of Wisdom, Joy and of walking with purpose.

(23)
Meir Solomon,
May 28, 2013 10:15 AM

Come for Shabbat

I have heard her music and I don't like it; I have heard your words and love them!

Welcome home! and come for Shabbat. We can sing a rock song (Tzur Mishelo)

It was so nice to log onto Aish randomly and find this article written by you. Your journey has been an inspiration for me.

Bulgari,
May 29, 2013 11:03 AM

Wow. That's real inspiring. N I'm not Jewish. Thanks for encouraging me. Had a real huge day n the weeks not over yet !

(20)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2013 7:43 PM

Wall Street

Great Article Ever!

I quit my job on wall street, regardelss of the money, fame, or "power" - to learn in Israel - and I'm happy...and feel like a million dollars too. I hope this article will inspire many people.

(19)
Levi Yitzhaq Garbose,
May 27, 2013 6:40 PM

Ronny Vance

Elan,you should meet Ronny Vance--once a titan in the record busines---produced Saturday Night Fever--and now, one of the most holy brothers-- a prince-- in Jerusalem---ask for him at the Kotel--he lives near AISH---

(18)
Blackie,
May 27, 2013 1:55 PM

From riches to richness

A true tale of finding oneself.

(17)
Greg Landenburg,
May 27, 2013 12:03 PM

You're coping out to the real issueat hand

So you made some stupid choices about where you would world and/or go to school. Accept it and move on. But today, or tomorrow, don't let such opportunities slip through you fingers. Learn from this or your will never move forward in your life. I don't believe what I'm saying in harsh, but it is, more coming from a place of love that is why I'm writing they way I am.I let enormous things slip through my fingertips and have let myself get deprsssed about it and say to myself "If I had only done.....then I'd be more>>> now." That is just garbage. Just lay back and know that Hashem has a plan always for you. By getting close to your Hebrew and Judaism is a smart way of dealing with some of the regrets you have about "If I had only done this or that". You're only 19 for pity sake. Just wait to see the mistakes you'll make in your 40s.WE need to learn from our mistakes so hopefully we don't repeat them again. By holding close to the Torah and Hebrew, a rock that will never change, reject or judge you in any way, is a very smart recipe for a suceessful career. And don't take yourself so seriously . Read Rachel Kadish's "From a Sealed Room", Read the weekly Toral portion, and you'll be well on your way to the greatness that Hashem has for you.

(16)
Yehudit,
May 27, 2013 7:09 AM

Use your talents

What a wonderful and inspiring journey. Hashem gave you many talents, that, now you are on your true path, you can begin to explore and use again within the context of your observant life. The Jewish music industry is waiting for professionals like yourself..... That is the real tikun, the real kiddush Hashem: to use your gift in kedusha, holiness.

(15)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2013 6:41 AM

Please continue....

Amazing inspirational story but how did your life turn out once observant?At the end of our lives we are going to watch a video of what our lives were supposed to be like had we reached our potential. I think your video is going to match your life! Beautifully written article!

(14)
JP,
May 27, 2013 6:02 AM

Great Article!

I was about halfway through this when I realized that the "Elan" in this story was "Elan Cohen"! Great article man, really well written and really enjoyed it. We miss you at MS!

(13)
Talya,
May 27, 2013 2:45 AM

Inspiring

Your story is inspiring and led me to tears. Thank you for sharing and reminding your readers what life is all about and what is truly everlasting! May Hashem give you strength and clarity all the days of your life.

(12)
JUDY,
May 27, 2013 1:11 AM

Pure Inspiration

Thank you for posting this purely inspirational story- I feel soo lucky to be a part of the Jewish nations! This is exactly what I needed to get back my assurance that I'm on the right path!

(11)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2013 12:14 AM

Did it ever occur to you that...

God gives you an opportunity to help your community in an extremely substantial way but instead you selfishly pursued your own desires.

(10)
johni,
May 27, 2013 12:03 AM

nice job

Hice Elan, bravo. I agree with you thsat humble people singing on shabbs are far higher in emotions that any fans all together. You won. I had very similar feelings, this helps as a boost in life. You can find yourself in jewish music world though, however I disagree with 1st comment that you have to combine both worlds, you did know one world and found another one, real one. So this comment is needless, and especially it is a dagerous game to lanace two worlds, some people can hold the balance, some not ( and it is dangerous for them). so needless to have this balance. keep going strong and brave heroe.

(9)
Yehudith Shraga,
May 26, 2013 8:57 PM

Fear of Freedom by Rav Lord Sacks

"Torah study without an occupation will in the end fail and lead to sin" (Avot 2:2). "One who makes his mind up to study Torah and not to work but to live on charity, profanes the name of God, brings the Torah into contempt, extinguishes the light of religion, brings evil upon himself, and deprives himself of life hereafter" (Maimonides, Laws of Torah Study 3:10). http://www.aish.com/tp/i/sacks/158350795.html

(8)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2013 8:53 PM

Mazel Tov!

Many people live many more years than you have and never learn what you have! Mazel tov!

(7)
messody,
May 26, 2013 8:04 PM

I loved the story especially when you said that you felt like 100 million dollars. you felt like you had meaning. don't let it go. hold on to it .

(6)
ruth housman,
May 26, 2013 5:38 PM

once upon a story

consider, con Siddur, that your story was created just for You, to take you into the heart of what matters. It's about the music. It always IS about the music, and what is real, Israel, is that gold.

(5)
Carlos,
May 26, 2013 4:54 PM

Interesting story

There will always be another Lada Gaga; but there always will only be ont Torah.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2013 4:02 PM

You are an inspiration to us all! This article has left a remarkable impact on me because of the specific circumstances I currently find myself in. Keep up your great work!

(3)
Rose,
May 26, 2013 3:22 PM

Amazing Story

You are an inspiration and an amazing person! Once you have chosen the path you wish to follow Hashem will guide you and lead the way. May you be successful in all your endeavors, learning and growing, getting married and having a family and yes making a good livelihood in what you enjoy which is music!!

(2)
Ellie,
May 26, 2013 3:15 PM

Amazing

Really well written, clear and brave. I think this is one of the best stories I've read on here in a while. Looking forward to following the rest of your story...please write more.

(1)
Lisa,
May 26, 2013 12:29 PM

Life is expensive!

You Should also learn to mix both worlds. We all need to make a parnasa....albeit learning & " finding yourself" as a teenager is priceless !! Good for you....I'm sure there is another financial opportunity waiting for you. It sounds like you have a great perspective on life!

I have had a very difficult life, beset by illness, unemployment, and disappointment from those who had pledged to care for me. I am having trouble seeing the benevolent God in all this. What do you say, rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult times that you have had to endure. The trials that you have gone through no doubt have obviously made your relationship to God a difficult one. I can understand why.

As a rabbi, I have witnessed the most horrendous situations imaginable. I have experienced a 20-year-old who lost both of her parents in a car crash. Can you imagine a girl so close to her parents and in one day they're gone? I've lived through a husband coming home to find that his wife has collapsed, and in two days she's dead. There was nothing wrong with her before. And on and on and on.

When someone is in the midst of suffering, that's not the time to offer answers. It's a time to listen and empathize and be with the person as best you can. If there's anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.

Dealing with pain and suffering is never easy, particularly since we often feel so helpless and out of control. But one thing we do have control over and that is our attitude. Try to stick to this 3-part formula:

1) Look for the positive side to things.

2) Try not to judge God, Who knows more than we do.

3) Ask God for the clarity to understand how this is for the best.

Our perceptions of good and evil are directly related to our understanding of the world. An African tribesman who never saw a hypodermic syringe in his life could think upon seeing a doctor inoculate a child that the doctor was actually trying to hurt the child! Our perceptions change with information.

Therefore the Jewish approach to "suffering" is that everything happens for the good, but since we are finite and cannot see the whole picture, we perceive some things as bad.

God has more information than we do; thus we cannot judge Him and say He is doing something bad. We trust God and say, "I haven't yet figured out why, but God knows this is for the best."

The Talmud tells the story of Rebbe Akiva who was traveling on the road late one night. His only source of light, a candle, blew out; his mode of transportation, a donkey, ran away; and his only source of food, a chicken, died. The next morning Rebbe Akiva realized that armed bandits had plundered everything in the area. Had they seen his candle, or heard his chicken or donkey, they would have victimized him as well.

We can accept pain and suffering in the world by trying to see what positive side it may have. For example, a woman whose child was killed by a drunk driver went out and started MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This organization was responsible for revolutionizing the laws against drunk driving in America, and as a result has surely saved thousands of lives. It could be said that the purpose of this child was to elevate his mother to the towering heights of greatness that she indeed achieved as a result of the tragedy.

Of course it is not always easy to find the positive side. But even the attempt helps tremendously. It is interesting that if we look back on our own lives, the times we have grown the most are not when things have gone easy, but when they've been difficult. So many times what appears as "bad" or "negative" ends up being a blessing. A person could lose their job, for example, only to realize later that was the opportunity they needed to break into a growing, new field!

In the meanwhile, we have invested so much time and energy into worrying or regretting - all for nothing and all to our detriment. It is wise to remember that worry is defined as "interest paid in advance on a debt which often times never comes due." So when we are having problems, we can ask ourselves, "What have I learned or gained?"

Also, there are two excellent books I can recommend: "Why me, God?" by Lisa Aiken (published by Aaronson), and "Confronting the Loss of a Baby," by Yamin Levy (Ktav).

In 1973, a cease-fire resolution was passed by the U.N. Security Council to halt the Yom Kippur War. Shuttle diplomacy by Henry Kissinger compelled Israel and Egypt to accept the cease-fire. Fighting, however, would continue for another four days. In the war, Israel suffered the loss of 2,600 soldiers and 800 tanks. Four years later, Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat would visit Jerusalem and announce his readiness to forge a permanent peace deal.

I told a group of people to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" five minutes each day for a month. Some of the results were:

* "At first I found it difficult to keep this up. This gave me a jolt. The Creator is giving me life each moment of each day and He gives me the air I breathe. Why is it so hard for me to express my gratitude? This self-rebuke gave me a strong feeling of motivation. I was committed to use the power of repeating messages to myself to build up this gratitude.

* "I realized that I would only be able to repeat this for five minutes at a time if I would sing it with a tune. So I would sing this five minutes each day. It became my favorite song.

* "The first day when I heard this, I found myself having to wait for something to start. I began to feel frustrated. Then I said to myself, ‘This is a perfect time to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" for five minutes.' It totally transformed the waiting into an uplifting experience. Throughout the month, I chose potentially frustrating moments to practice this. After a while, the stirrings of feelings of frustration became a trigger to begin my exercise."

* "Someone saw me smiling while I was waiting in line at my local supermarket. He asked me if anything special is going on in my life. "There are a lot of special things that I'm beginning to become more aware of," I replied.

* "By repeating, ‘I am grateful to my Creator,' I began to realize that everyone who is kind to me in any way was sent to me by my Creator. I increased my gratitude towards those people and I increased my gratitude to the Creator of it all."

May He Who knows what is hidden accept our call for help and listen to our cry (Siddur).

The Talmud states that a person may be coerced to perform a mitzvah even if it is required that the mitzvah be done of one's own volition (Rosh Hashanah 6a).

But are not coercion and volition mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, explains Rambam. Inasmuch as the soul of the Jew intrinsically wishes to do the Divine will, and it is only the physical self - which is subject to temptation - that may be resistive, the coercion inflicted upon the person overcomes that external resistance. Thus, when one performs the mitzvah, it is with the full volition of the inner self, the true self, for at his core, every Jew wishes to comply with the mandates of the Torah.

There is a hidden part of us, to which we may have limited access, yet we know it is there. When we pray for our needs, said Rabbi Uri of Strelisk, we generally ask only for that which we feel ourselves to be lacking. However, we must also recognize that our soul has spiritual needs, and that we may not be aware of its cravings.

We therefore pray, said Rabbi Uri, that God should listen not only to the requests that we verbalize, but also to our hidden needs that are very important to us - but which He knows much better than we.

Today I shall...

try to realize that there is a part of me of which I am only vaguely aware. I must try to get to know that part of myself, because it is my very essence.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...