How Well Can You Tell an A-Hole By Just Looking at Them?

Whether it’s at the mall, in the park, dining out at your favorite restaurant, or at your local grocery market, a-holes are everywhere!

A-holes, or assholes for short, are pretty much the worst people of all the people in the world. When you think of these a-holes, it’s not uncommon to simultaneously vomit, have diarrhea, pass out, and even die. Just thinking about a-holes puts you at risk for three types of cancer, and can put a lien on your mortgage. A-holes, it can be said without a hint of hyperbole or exaggeration, are like taking two Hitlers, combining them with AIDS, wrapping that whole thing up in a giant tortilla made of squirrel shit, and then deep-fried in terribleness. So of course you have got to avoid them at all costs, but the problem is that a-holes are able to blend in among the rest of us like douchey chameleons, and you just never can tell if someone is an a-hole just by looking at them.

Or can you? In recent years, many people have claimed to have developed a sort of ninth sense about a-holes. They use things like Facebook and Twitter to have one, small interaction with someone and then judge that someone was either an a-hole or not an a-hole on the spot. A new book due out in December titled “Look at That A-Hole Over There!” was written by Jacob T. Belle, who is an MIT graduate who claims to have devised a quick, three step process to judge if someone you’ve met is an a-hole or not, and all three steps, Belle claims, can be completed within a matter of moments.

With Mr. Belle’s permission, here are the three steps to divine if someone is an a-hole within moments of meeting them.

Count their eyes. If there are two or more of them, you can proceed to #2.

Look at their mouth. Does it have lips, and do they move when sounds come out? If so, proceed to #3.

Are they a human being, or do they claim to be and possess enough of the requisite identifiable traits to qualify them as one? If so, and provided you did not skip right to this step like an a-hole would, BE WARNED, you have found a guaranteed a-hole.