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"Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day."- Nicolas de Chamfort

If you can't find any toads, just clean up a dead rat. Dead rat removal is now my least favorite thing I have done more than once.

While their dying might have been mildly more traumatic for the rats than for myself, their deaths are over whereas I have to deal with the memories of their corpses forever. FOR-EV-ER.

But I know why you're here. You want to know how to do it. As I have become the resident rat remover, you've come to the right place. Here are my 34 easy steps to getting rid of a rat:

1. Notice that the house smells bad.2. Ignore the smell.3. Convince yourself that the smell is getting better. Maybe it wasn't a dead rat after all, you think.4. See a lot of flies in parts of the house that were previously fly-free.5. Ignore the flies.6. Wake up one morning and realize that the smell is getting worse, the flies are getting worse, and y…

Hey, for anyone who hasn't see it yet, I was published in the highly prestigious literary journal, Precipitate. As part of my hilarious work with Read it and Weep, I read Sarah Palin's "book" Going Rogue to make fun of it. As is the casewitheverything we read, it was terrible. But the upside is now you never have to read it. I can assure you that my literary review is much shorter, funnier, and better written than anything that Palin has to offer. Enjoy.