Wednesday, April 11, 2007

One more thing...

Oh dear, the list of things Dave is putting off doing grows ever longer... It seems there is some cause for concern when it comes to his workplace. The business owner has a case of Ostrichitis... He hasn't been putting as much into his business as in previous years, and in the wake of recent changes in legislation (about 15 months ago), the business is faltering. Unfortunately, said business owner has a couple of new priorities, and when it was pointed out to him that his employee were concerned for the future of the business, he took it as a criticism and accused the bearer of the message (Dave) of scaremongering...

It was obvious to me, even before this, that Dave would have to start looking for another job very soon (yesterday if possible), because 15 hours a week just isn't enough. We can scrape by but well, who wants to live like that???

Anyway, now it's apparent that if Dave doesn't find a job soon, he will end up on the dole when the business collapses. It's much harder to get a job when you're not already gainfully employed, as they say...

BUT, Dave is not a doer... The ongoing saga with the missing lisence, the sleep apnoea and other things is evidence enough that the likelihood is that Dave will just let this slide until he is indeed retrenched/fired/let go...

I feel resigned to this because I just don't want to feel frustrated any more. I'm scrambling to keep things together financially atm, and Dave just isn't pulling his weight. He sorta, kinda knows it, but I have a feeling I need to sit down and write it out in big red letters for him, with accompanying diagram (as one friend is prone to saying about her partner)...

Talked to my counsellor today about Erik and getting him assessed. She feels there might be something worth investigating having her my description of Erik lack of impulse control. At first she was thinking it might just be that Erik is in a new environment (at school) and trying out the new set of boundaries but when I told her that he's always been impulsive like this at home as well, she changed her mind on that (all this before responding to my story)... She's recommended I call the Children's Hospital and ask to speak to the social serivces department, and to as for a recommendation of a good paed to have Erik assessed.

She also recommended contacting the school prep co-ordinator and the school counsellor with regard to both the boys' behaviour at school, and basically ask for a meeting where I can state our family values and also our parenting practices and get feedback from them as to whether or not they feel there is more we could be doing (which she doesn't think there is), and thereby getting them to acknowledge their own responsibility for the kids during the day...

She says I should get Dave to contact the school, and take on that responsibility, so I'm not doing it all myself. I'm afraid though that he just won't do it... Like everything else he'll make all sorts of positive sounds, and then sit on his laurels...

8 comments:

Oh dear... I hate to say it (really, really hate to say it... cuz it means I'm living it...) but this sounds -remarkably- similar to what we've been through here. Seriously, freakily, a lot of that could've come out of my mouth or has. *sigh*

:::Huge sympathies::: It's so stressful and such a helpless feeling when you *know* what's going to happen but can't do anything to change it because they're unwilling to listen until they have no other choice. I have no idea how to fix it, aside from chucking a huge tantrum to get him to go to a therapist and let THEM sort him out. I also suggest - and yes, this is also from on-going personal experience - that you not only write it all out in big red letters but use tiny little words, include a dictionary in the package and get the diagram tattooed to his forehead so his therapist can go over with him Why His Wife Is Right And He Needs To Be Proactive - Again. We had that conversation yesterday, again. I'm hoping one of these days it sticks. :rolls eyes:

I don't suppose you watch "The Biggest Loser"? No? Of course not, no working tv, sorry to remind you of THAT interesting situation again...

Ok, well there is this one contestant who PROMISED his wife he wouldn't ever do what they call a temptation. Anyway, he was knocked out of the game a few weeks ago, and then this week he and bunch of others who were previously knocked out of the game got a "second chance"... During this week 10 "second chance" contestants are competing to get into a final weigh in where the one who has lost the most weight during this one week gets to go back into the main competion with a chance to become the biggest loser. So, as part of this week, there was a temptation where you could instantly win a position in the semi final five, or instantly be sent out of the game.

This one contestant broke his promise to his wife, and participated in the temptation, he had a one in 6 chance of winning a spot in the semi final five, and a 1/6 chance of being immediately eliminated... Wouldn't you know it, the bastard was eliminated!

I turned to Dave and said, the worst thing that happen to that contestant that day was NOT that he was eliminated, it was that he broke his promise to his wife and WAS ELIMINATED, The Gods do NOT smile on men who break their promises to their wives!!!

Just a thought - this is what James was like when he was depressed (ie: properly depressed, not just sad, lol!). Now I can tell him what he needs to do and of course he bows down to my superior feminine intellect and will. ;o)

Oddly enough, I was just going to write a comment saying "sounds like Dave is depressed", but Cass beat me to it! Typical. It must be that "feminine intellect" that she was talking about.

Anyway, Sif, I think Dave might be depressed. Not sure what the appropriate course is for you to take - Cass might be better to advise you on that one. One thing that I would suggest though is to get him to do some exercise (if he doesn't already) - a daily walk with the boys might help on a number of fronts.

Yes, Dave has been struggling with depression for about 17 years. Problem is, he is of the old school, that believes it's not really depression unless you're suicidal, and that the best way to get through life is with a stiff upper lip...

He did go for some counselling, on my insistance a couple of years ago, but when his counsellor changed practices after a couple of months, Dave wasn't interested in start afresh with someone new.

There is only so much I can do to make him see his situation clearly, but every now and then I just kind of get really sick of the status quo and dive in again and try and convince him to at least talk to someone even just to shut me up... That said, he hasn't seen anyone since that one counsellor two years ago...

Two-by-fours, Sif... it's the only way to go! It stands as much a chance of knocking sense into them as anything else and is great for relieving the frusteration! ;-) ;-) ;-)

More seriously, I wavered about MAKING Nic go, was really reluctant but in the end decided yeah, it was non-negotiable because he wasn't going to spontaniously change without help and I wasn't willing to live with it. I put it point blank to him that if he valued his relationship he'd acknowledge that *I* was seeing an issue even if he didn't or didn't think it was as big as I was saying, and have enough respect for me to listen to that and seek help or he wasn't going to HAVE a relationship left. Not that I was threatening divorce but pointing out that a relationship is about partnership, trust, helping one another and respect... of which he was demonstrating none of regardless of if he meant to or not (he didn't...) and if he chose NOT to have a relationship by continuing to avoid doing those things in lieu of not wanting to deal with his issues then they'd eventually lead down that road towards a break up because I have too much respect for myself to stay for the sake of staying and show L that this is how relationships are and men relate to women etc. Sorry if I'm blathering a bit, hope you suss a solution out soon for everyone!

We have been having money issues for quite a while now and it was the determining factor to me returning part time to work (only factor!). I can strongly say that my husband has ostrichitis (love that phrase by the way!) . I have been telling him for quite some time how bad things are! I wrote in BIG RED WRITING what every wage that comes in is going to pay for the next few weeks and left it right here next to the computer where he could see it. I explained it to him, I asked him to read it and to acknowledge it and got the 'ah ha, will do!"

So wasn't I surprised (well not really :p) when he rang me while I was out with a friend, and started ranting in complete shock about the state of our bank accounts, the doom of the world that is on our shoulders and utters the words "What will we do?" ....MMMM....look to the left...read the BIG RED WORDS....and I will talk to you about it when I get home.

It is fun to live in a world of denial, but when you crash back down to earth it can be a mighty big shock.

I suggest you do write it all down, put it on post it notes in his lunch even, until he hopefully realises that the things that you are trying to make him see, are really important for both you and him :) .