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I’m not fat.https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/29/im-not-fat/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/29/im-not-fat/#respondMon, 29 Jan 2018 17:09:39 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/29/im-not-fat/I’m having trouble deciding how to feel right now. I’m sad because of James (my brother died in August) – we went through some of his stuff last night. I went straight over there from brunch so I had on heeled black suede boots. I took them off to sort through stuff and then we went down in the basement so I slipped on a pair of James’ old tennis shoes. Then I ended up wearing them home because I didn’t want to put my boots back on. And for some reason I put them back on this morning. And I was also putting on a bunch of his Patagonia stuff. Which was really too small. So I was wearing James’ Nikes that are four sizes too big and a XXL Patagonia pull over that is really two sizes too small. Then I just started crying. Because of James, not the shirt being too small.

Then I went through these old pictures James had. There are a few of me from high school. I was not fat. I always thought I was always fat. I remember in college I thought I was fat and I looked back at pictures and then saw I wasn’t fat later, but I was fatter when I thought that so I guess that makes sense. But in college I didn’t always think I was fat. I knew when I was working out with my friend and we did Atkins and went to the gym every single day at 6am and I was in a size 12 blue pant and some skater shoes which I guess was a phase that… I was not fat. I felt good.

I also think that in my early twenties after I graduated from college I didn’t feel fat. I used my body for my own pleasure. I knew it had a power. But then I started getting fatter and I reverted to this way of thinking that I have always been fat.

And now I think – that’s not true. What the fuck? Why didn’t anybody tell me? And actually, were people always telling me I was fat or was I telling myself that? And what’s so fucked up is – I KNOW right now I’m fat. Right? I’m a 3x. I’m fat. But now I’ve been like this for a long time and I don’t feel bad but I want to be thinner and I honestly always really thought that was impossible because I’ve always been fat. So I’m actually fat right now but I haven’t always been fat. But I believe I’m fat now because I’ve always thought I was fat. So if I think I’m thin will that make me thin or just delusional? I don’t know what to think. At all.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/29/im-not-fat/feed/0img_6308lauradixsonFatherly Thoughtshttps://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/fatherly-thoughts/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/fatherly-thoughts/#respondMon, 22 Jan 2018 01:15:34 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/fatherly-thoughts/Advice from my Dad. From when he could type and talk.

Sometimes it may be better to go with the other person’s (like your boss) inferior choice because they will no doubt try to find something (anything) not to like about your suggestion if you force them out of their comfort zone. This will in effect ruin your good time while listening to them snipe about everything from the napkins to the color of the ceiling and may inadvertently cause you to appear overly pushy. Of course anyone with a tiny bit of a brain would welcome your savvy sense of style and taste. You just have to figure out who is who and play to win.

Another entry from the acclaimed series of – “Deep Fatherly Thoughts.”

Dd

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/fatherly-thoughts/feed/0img_6164-1lauradixsonLetter to my Exhttps://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/letter-to-my-ex/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/letter-to-my-ex/#respondMon, 22 Jan 2018 01:00:35 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/letter-to-my-ex/From the archives. Circa July 2008. Update: I haven’t thought of him in years. And he really was on Jeopardy.

I had the oddest dream last night — we were at the grocery store with

a group of people. There was a secret compartment and a jump rope

contest and some person buying bales of hay. An I was buying yogurt – which I never eat because I can’t stand the consistency.

And my sister was there and it seemed quite real because she was giving attitude, which is what she does in real life.

I forgot my credit card so I thought I couldn’t pay. Then I luckily I found a $100 bill in my wallet. Which is also

odd because I never have cash, but I think that’s something to do with

yesterday because I went to the drive through to pick up a quick lunch

and I didn’t have my wallet. And of course they won’t give you food

without money.

So, this is a really scary stream of consciousness…

In fact, I’ve just been thinking about you. Not obsessively but on occasion when someone or someone reminds me of Utah or of you.

Oh, and there was that time I swear I saw you on Jeopardy – but it was just a commercial and I couldn’t be sure.

Anyway, I hope that you are well. I guess more than anything I’m just

curious about how you’re doing.

Also, there was this tender moment in

the dream where we were walking along the isles of the grocery store

(insane, I know), and it was just sort of nice like – old friends. And you had your arm around me and I reached up and touched your face.

This is sounding really cheesy or like the script of some lame not even going to be X rated movie.

Cut back to the grocery store:

it was a nice moment and it really made me remember all of the good things

about you. And I guess for a long time after I left Utah in order for me to cope – I thought of all of the bad things.

And now I’m in a much different place in my life (happy, successful, fabulous)

and its nice to be able to look back or think back and be really positive.

So – whew. I hope that you are doing famously and that you are truly

happy. Know that I think of you occasionally – and that it makes me

smile.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/22/letter-to-my-ex/feed/0img_6165lauradixsonSquirrelshttps://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/08/squirrels/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/08/squirrels/#respondMon, 08 Jan 2018 20:25:15 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/21/squirrels/I hate squirrels. I consider them to be rats with bushy tails. I don’t understand why anyone would put out a squirrel feeder. That would be like inviting pests into your yard. They’re not cute, they’re not friendly. They’re fucking gross. So imagine my horror as I looked up this morning and saw two squirrels FUCKING!!!!!!

Now, the neighborhood kids said, “they’re just trying to hang on” and “they don’t want to fall out of the tree.” Let me assure you, these squirrels were doing the dirty. Because they’re dirty! And they’re all out in the open on this bleak morning in this barren tree against this gray sky, hanging RIGHT over my head. And I’m like – look, I already said my mantras and woke up naturally to the $100 morning light alarm clock by Philips and I am telling you the last thing I need right now, or ever, is to get squirrel jizz on my head! I just can’t. I CANNOT. Baby Jesus help us all. And what’s worse is, they’re trying to create more squirrels! Disgusting. I don’t even think red tailed squirrels are cute. You know what that is? A squirrel with a genetic mutation. How is that cute? And don’t think its lost on me that I have red hair. But guess what? That makes me a UNICORN, NOT A SQUIRREL.

Let’s move on, shall we? Michael Wolff is my hero. I know you know who that is because, let’s face it, you know who that was before “Fire and Fury” hit the bookshelves. I’m sure you could probably quote him from articles you’ve read in Vanity Fair. Speaking of which, they published an online article I read this morning entitled “How Michael Wolff stuck a shiv in Donald Trump.” I have seen the word “consigliere” in print more in the last week than I have ever. Its phenomenal. I don’t care if its sensationalized or if Wolff let people “tell their stories” without necessarily fact checking them. I don’t even care that Wolff purportedly wants to chumm around with the same people he’s scouring. I LOVE IT! Let the squirrels fuck! He’s well dressed. Hes NOT overweight, and he’s certainly smarter than Trump. Why even say that? He’s written books much less read them. Oh my lord I am just in absolute heaven right now. And listen, LISTEN, I consider myself at a minimum to be above average intelligence. Good thing I have this book on my kindle because at least every few pages I have to press down to get the definition of a word.

Oh sure, I could understand exactly what he’s saying from content. Shit, even without context I can tell you what he’s saying – Trump is a buffoon who didn’t ever want to be President. But that’s not the point! Well, it’s sort of the point of the book. But my point is, he’s using theses beautiful, wonderful words to say things in such a precise way and it is making me so happy to read all of it. I’m laughing. I can’t cry – we’re over that, right? This actually happened. To our collective dismay. And what makes it even funnier is that Bannon has already suffered the consequences. And I don’t consider myself vindictive in any way (I mean, maybe years ago / days ago and I think I could be if I was that interested but you know I’ve turned myself over to self-awareness and nonjudgement so I have no place for it now). And obviously I don’t know Bannon on any level other than what I’ve read about him in the New York Times. But really. Really, folks. Aren’t we all taking a bit of a collective chuckle and head boob together to see this fucking idiot flounder around like bloated, overweight, miserable fish out of water? Tell me you’re not?! You ARE! And so am I! And so we’re all in this together like some disgusting squirrels fucking in a tree. But I’ll tell you what – I’m good with it! You know why? What else would I be doing? Watching “The Real Housewives” and having literal nightmares. At least when I read this book I feel smarter. Elevated even. Its fantastic.

Let’s move on again, shall we? OPRAH. Anybody, anybody?! Look, one of the things I care a lot about is funny memes. And I’ll tell you, seeing Steadman with that bold script underneath his face explaining this was “How You Look When You Realize You’re going to be first lady in 2020.” That’s golden right there my friend. Absolutely golden. And not for nothing, its even funnier because as we have now confirmed through reading Wolff’s book, Melanie’s absolute worst fear was that Donald would actually WIN! He promised her he wouldn’t. Melania was the ONLY one who thought he could win. Its just so rich. She didn’t want to be first lady. Apparently she doesn’t even know where he is half the time. “He wanders among residences like people wander through rooms.” So yes, the Steadman meme about being first lady. Rich. Its rich! And I love rich.

So anyway, yah, Oprah. I mean, I will tell you this. Its obvious even before reading this that I hate being fat. And Oprah looked so good! I know it was not just that black dress slimming her down. She was werkin that stage. Go on ahead, girl! I mean look, if I was the richest person in the world I would want to also be thin. I mean, maybe I wouldn’t care but let’s face it, that’s not really true. And yes, Deepak, “I love myself. Just the way I am.” But everybody wants to be thin. I mean, Oprah didn’t look anorexic or anything like that (I want people to actually question my health because I’m so thin), but she looked great. And she sounded great. And I did actually wonder if she was reading from a teleprompter, which I assume she was not just because of her long career in day time TV or because she was wearing glasses, but because – let’s face it. That was a fantastic speech. Or maybe I just miss Obama so much and I’m so used to a blubbering idiot that I was so overwhelmed by someone able to make a point and stick to a story and get through a speech without insulting everyone in the room. And you should know I don’t watch TV news! I’m normally reading this stuff which is just as unbearable. Here’s a little excerpt that I share because its so like a political speech with the “from farmland to the rolling meadows of ‘insert Swing State here’ and reference to her poor and relateable upbringing ” I just couldn’t help myself.

QUOTE: Oprah, accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award at the Golden Globes Sunday”So I want tonight to express gratitude to all the women who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed and bills to pay and dreams to pursue. They’re the women whose names we’ll never know. They are domestic workers and farm workers. They are working in factories and they work in restaurants and they’re in academia, engineering, medicine, and science. They’re part of the world of tech and politics and business. They’re our athletes in the Olympics and they’re our soldiers in the military.”

I’m curious who wrote this speech but I’m too lazy to look it up right now. Anyway, its great. What’s also great? Ivanka of course “endorsed” Oprah’s speech on twitter saying something to the effect of “let’s all come together, #timesup.” Because you know Ivanka is the poster girl for the working woman. Which, I’ll admit, go there girl. I have always loved Ivanka and her wide and comfortable shoes. More stylish by far than Jessica Simpsons and a little bit of hardware to make them look expensive. Shit, they are kinda expensive. Unless you buy them on Amazon on sale and don’t pay sales tax and have them shipped to you the next day for free. But, I do love her shoes. They are comfortable. I ain’t gonna lie I have probably 10 pairs.

I’m sure its more obvious to you than most that Ivanka chiming in with Oprah to rally against sexual assault and women enduring bullshit from men means absolutely nothing without condemning her father but let’s get real! She’s never going to do that. And do we even want her to? I mean, not really, right? Because it will never happen and if it did than maybe we wouldn’t be able to talk about how creepy their relationship is. Or rather, how creepy Donald is, with his leering eyes and statements like “I’d date Ivanka if she wasn’t my daughter.” So fucking gross. Like some squirrels fucking in a leafless tree against a gray sky.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2018/01/08/squirrels/feed/0img_5380lauradixsonBlack and White Horseshttps://sosaysthefox.com/2014/05/05/black-and-white-horses/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/05/05/black-and-white-horses/#respondMon, 05 May 2014 14:00:23 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/?p=95Question: What is life without desire?

Potential hypothesis: Contentment.

Does contentment follow desire? Desire has been a philosophical problem as long as philosophers have been thinking. In Plato’s The Republic, Socrates (Plato’s teacher but also the protagonist in this story) argues that individual desires must be postponed in the name of the higher ideal.

Buddhism teaches the cause of all suffering is craving. By eliminating it, one can attain ultimate happiness. Throughout this path to Nirvana, a practitioner is advised to generate desire for skillful ends.

We learned from Shawn Achor that happiness precedes success. So what if contentment precedes desire? What if the relationship is cyclical rather than linear?

In Plato’s Phaedrus, the soul is guided by two horses, a dark horse of passion and a white horse of reason. Socrates argues the dark horse should not be done away with, since its passions make movement towards the objects of desire possible. But Socrates qualifies desire and places it in relation to reason so that the object of desire can be discerned correctly.

Desire is good if it’s the right desire. And who doesn’t love horses? Like I said yesterday, black and white is the new black.

Thomas Hobbes writes in Leviathan, “Felicity is a continual progress of the desire from one object to another, the attaining of the former being still but the way to the latter. The cause whereof is that the object of man’s desire is not to enjoy once only, and for one instant of time, but to assure forever the way of his future desire.”

Maybe the answer then is that a life without desire is not one of contentment, but complacency. Desire must be present to keep us in motion. When tempered with reason, we can attain contentment – at least in the moment. Then if we can learn to live in the now, well, that’ll really be living.

Today I desire to be better. Stronger. Kinder. Healthier. More reasonable. I started the day with a 2 mile walk, dog in tow. I’m working to continue forward on the path, rough and tangled as it may be.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/05/05/black-and-white-horses/feed/0black and whitelauradixsonMayday Mayday Maydayhttps://sosaysthefox.com/2014/05/03/mayday-mayday-mayday/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/05/03/mayday-mayday-mayday/#respondSat, 03 May 2014 15:03:27 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/?p=89Every year for the last ten we’ve thrown a party in May. It used to be called the May Day party – back when I was still with my ex as we both had birthdays in May. We also had an amusingly high number of friends with May birthdays or anniversaries. All were invited to share in the summer celebration.

When we separated my sister continued the tradition. The first year I’m sure it was considered a favor to me – done as a kind gesture so I wouldn’t be sad about no May Day. What was interesting is that it had the opposite effect — it was depressing to carry on a tradition without someone I loved and cared for deeply, and to do so with no acknowledgement of him.

No matter. The name was changed to Sperry’s and Stripes, the old friends were no longer invited regardless of when their birthdays fell, and it became the official kick off to summer. Nautical attire is strongly encouraged. Sea sides flow freely and are aggressively consumed, along with as much from the pot of clam boil you can handle.

Every year I’ve had to buy a bigger size in white pants. Two years ago I went up to a size 16 white jean. It paired beautifully with my 1x blue with white polka dot silk shirt. Combined with a red and white thinly striped jacket, and of course my captains hat, I still looked like someone happily and stylishly engaged in a theme party. Last year I wore a blue and white striped dress– the jeans were too tight and the alternating direction of striped panels on the dress seem to provide the best situation, almost near a very flattering fit. It paired with the same red and white striped jacket, as my love for pattern on pattern has never faded, not even in the summer sun.

I tried the jacket on last night and to my horror, it doesn’t fit. The circulation in my fleshy arms was being cut off. It was like a summer time episode of fat man in a small jacket, with a bit less wiggling since I ripped it off as soon as I could — too ashamed to view myself for any longer than necessary in the mirror. I know I’m now in a size 18 white jean, and I didn’t have the heart to try on the blue polka dot number. To top it all off, I couldn’t find my captains hat.

The long running tradition of the party seems to ensure it will go on, at least in some form. I wonder how long I will go on like this, changing to an ever bigger form of myself. I’ve compensated by buying bigger clothes, but there must certainly be an end to that. I couldn’t find the hat, which was the one thing that surely would have fit. I can’t seem to find the wherewithal to stop eating and take charge of my own ship, my life relative not just to clam boils but to all forms of food.

I’ll be going tonight as the good sea witch, capitalizing on black and white is the new black, with a linen large print anchor scarf I just bought – one size fits all. Hopefully the spell I cast will be on myself – so I can stop drowning in food, sorrow, and my own inaction. If not I will truly have a May Day, Mayday, Mayday situation.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/05/03/mayday-mayday-mayday/feed/0imagelauradixsonAnticipating Biscuitshttps://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/25/anticipating-biscuits/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/25/anticipating-biscuits/#respondFri, 25 Apr 2014 11:49:40 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/?p=80I predicted since I binged last night on pizza, popcorn, and wine, I would gain five pounds. So I woke up dreaming of a Hardee’s biscuit.

I figure, I gained five pounds anyway, I might has well have one of those flaky delicious buttery biscuits with a perfectly round sausage on top.

Fact is, I only gained 2 pounds. Now I’m not sure what to do. Maybe I should just get back on track right away. Before I even have breakfast and derail my 3 pound net loss. Sure it was only a loss in my mind’s math, but obviously my mind is a powerful tool.

In fact, Shawn Achor tells us (I’m reading The Happiness Advantge) our minds anticipate results and act accordingly. We anticipate what’s going to happen and actually act on that outcome before it comes out.

I assumed I gained five pounds and I dream of biscuits. It’s more complicated than that but what if I could use this power of anticipation for good?

What if I believed I was going to lose weight? If I was sure my efforts would pay off in pounds, off. Not the binging last night mind you, but those times I really am making an effort. What if through positive thoughts and concentrated, deliberate visions of success – I could actually create success?

The research indicates this may be possible. For now, I think I’ll keep my three pound loss and count it as a small win. And remind myself not to anticipate a prized biscuit.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/25/anticipating-biscuits/feed/0imagelauradixsonFood is a Powerful Drughttps://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/23/food-is-a-powerful-drug/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/23/food-is-a-powerful-drug/#respondWed, 23 Apr 2014 16:00:10 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/?p=73Food is a powerful drug. It’s addictive. It makes you feel good… then sometimes bad. It pulls you in – it begs to be taken. It speaks to me. It calls to me.

Unlike drugs, I can’t stop taking food. I have to eat to live. How do I learn to eat to live instead of eating food that’s killing me?

I’m like an addict that just wants one hit, one line, one bite, one more. Just a little, just this once. I’ll be clean tomorrow.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/23/food-is-a-powerful-drug/feed/0imagelauradixsonShared Secretshttps://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/15/shared-secrets/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/15/shared-secrets/#respondTue, 15 Apr 2014 08:06:28 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/23/shared-secrets/Does everyone have something to hide? Not a secret or a shame, but something they are unwilling to share?

Do you?

Do I?

There are people I know truly well who keep things from me: whole parts of themselves.

I don’t know why. Fear? Of what? Judgment? But if you are a masterful singer mustn’t you be compelled to sing? If you are a thoughtful artist mustn’t you be compelled to create?

What is it that allows us to keep our truly best self from the ones we love the most?

Why share a gift with strangers and hide it from me?

I want all of you. I’ll admit I’m not willing to give all of me. So we’re aligned in our secrecy but not in the secret.

]]>https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/15/shared-secrets/feed/0shared secrets_4.15.2014lauradixsonContribute to What?https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/05/contribute-to-what/
https://sosaysthefox.com/2014/04/05/contribute-to-what/#respondSat, 05 Apr 2014 22:56:12 +0000http://sosaysthefox.com/?p=68I worry I’m not making any contribution personally. Professionally I’m well respected. I’ve been instrumental in building my particular channel, which is what my company hired me for and what I wanted to do. For the last two years I’ve overseen or consulted on all major decisions for my division, most often writing the specific business plans and creating the actual strategy, as well as ensuring the implementation is prioritized appropriately. I’ve lead the growth from $60million in revenue to a projected half a billion this year and over a billion by end of 2015. But it’s not my company. It’s a great company, but I just work there.

Personally I sometimes wonder if I’ve figured out what my contribution should be, what I want it to be, or how to make it. I volunteer and I spend time with family and try to be a good person and so on… And I am really happy with my life. But I worry I’ll need much more to be satisfied in the next couple years. I think I should be doing more and thinking longer term. I’m selfish. Or lazy. Or superficial. I’m not focused on my contribution as much as my personal happiness.

I like writing but I’m my own audience. I’ve never thought anyone would really be too interested in my most personal thoughts, or even my personal breakthroughs.