GOP: Democrats Are Worse Than Child Molesters

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Today, in a joint statement on Capitol Hill, several Republican lawmakers confirmed that any member of the Democratic Party is unequivocally and irretrievably worse than a child molester. “Child molestation isn’t something I participate in, nor is it something I consider good behavior. But it is absolutely preposterous to compare molestation to the crime of being a member of the Democratic Party,” House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy said. “The violence and psychological damage inflicted on children is in no way comparable with the crime of providing birth control to women.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan concurred with McCarthy. “I think it’s important to realize that, if the Democrats had their way, some of the girls who were solicited for sex or molested by Roy Moore would have been aborted. As a country, it is important that we ensure every fetus is given the opportunity to be molested, die of an illness they cannot afford to treat, or go bankrupt due to crippling college loan debt.” Ryan went on to say that the ability to face debilitating horrors and inequality was simply “part of the American dream”.

“And I think,” added Senator Rand Paul, “we can all agree that the Democratic Party is trying to take away those freedoms by giving us healthcare. Victims of child molestation deserve the opportunity to suffer emotional distress without affordable mental health treatment, as generations of molestation victims before them. The Democratic Party is determined to destroy longstanding American traditions, and only by continuing to vote in conservative sexual offenders will we be able to keep the America we all know and love.” After the conference, thoughts and prayers were offered by the GOP members for any and all abortion victims who could not be here today.