Scott Schebler

*fumbles with an envelope, Hillary Swank stands next to me, watching on, embarrassed for me* And the Teoscar goes to…Teoscar Hernandez! Hillary Swank leans into the microphone, “Well, he was the only one nominated.” Ugh, totally unnecessary Swank! I should’ve pointed out how she was checking out Hugh Jackman’s wife the entire time on stage. I picked up Teoscar before yesterday’s game for the runs because he was leading off, I never expected such a windfall of gorge. He went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homer in only his 73rd at-bat. That’s 20 hits total for him, with seven going gonzo. This is better than Million Dollar Baby! Yeah, I hope Hillary Swank’s Google alerts are going bizzonkers today. Not ready to announce my love for Teoscar for next year, I am more of an IFP Spirit Awards guy, but you have to grab Teoscar for these final days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yesterday, Gabriel Ynoa threw a gem, 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.41 in just under 32 IP. His name is pronounced EE-know-a. As they say, the more you EE-know-a. Ynoa was only at 94 pitches, so don’t you let Ynoa try for the complete game? I mean, Ynot? He looks like a number five starter, though on the Orioles that likely means a number three starter. He can touch mid-90’s with his fastball, but he’s missing a decent breaking ball and tends to get beat up by lefties, like Fox News. Though, better things may await him because the Mets traded him away. He will likely come up a little short of the Mets’ all-time worst trade of Nolan Ryan, and even their 2nd worst trade of Amos Otis to the Royals for a prospect with a giant baseball head. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Went over this a little this morning with my general September call-ups for fantasy baseball (clickbait!) writings/stylings/gibberish. I’m not enthused by the guys headed to the majors this September. Look at what happened this year with Yoan Moncada. He had to be held down an extra month due to a September call-up. Of course, if, say, Harrison Bader walks on water straight down Broad Street, grabs a Philly cheesesteak, burps in Rhysus’ face, hits a 885-mile turn to the Gateway Arch and wrecks havoc in St. Louis, then by all means I’m grabbing him. With that said (finally!), Tyler Glasnow should be up any day now. In Triple-A, he’s been pitching strictly from the stretch, and it’s made all the difference in his mechanics. He’s compiled a 13.5 K/9 (!), 2.21 xFIP and he throws 95 MPH. 131 Ks to only 31 walks in 87 1/3 IP! Sign me up pronto, Tonto. Of course, in mixed leagues, I’m still viewing him mostly as a matchups guy for the final month, but I’d stash everywhere for (Glas)now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Hey, guys and five non-guys, Dylan Bundy has awoken my nethers. But can I “stay awoken” as the kids say? The kids don’t say that, do they? Please, I’m woke AF! Though, I am confused why kids go around abbreviating Abercrombie and Fitch. When I was a kid, we spelled out Abercrombie and Fitch and had summer songs about girls that wore Abercrombie and Fitch. LFO was AF! Yesterday, Dylan Bundy went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.94. An Orioles starter with an ERA under 4! It’s an early Rhystmas miracle! Drop the balloons from the ceiling, Party City! So, looking under the hood, in a non-sexual way, leaves me a little yawnstipated on Bundy. His K/9 is 7.9, BB/9 is 2.6 and a 4.73 xFIP. His velocity’s down this year, but he pitched in relief some last year, so maybe not the best gauge. For 2018, I see nothing here to be excited about, but maybe he puts together a great September, and makes like Fonzie’s horse and says nay to the negativity. I’d continue to ignore him in shallower mixed leagues or use the Stream-o-Nator. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

If there is one thing the Cincinnati Reds can do is they can mash RHP. They currently rank top 5 against RHP in wOBA and OPS and almost in the top 10 in nearly all offensive categories. A match-up tonight against Chris Flexen leads to a great stacking possibility. Flexen has been up and down in his brief rookie campaign, but he has been awful on the road. He has an ERA of 8.18 away from home and a trip to Great American Ball Park should balloon that number even further. Joey Votto (410,000), Scooter Gennett ($8,000), Scott Schebler ($7,200), Eugenio Suarez ($8,000) and Adam Duvall ($7,800) should all be able to light up the scoreboard tonight. The over under in this game is sitting at 10 runs, so a slugfest is expected.

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It’s player’s weekend, ya’ll! These next few days are about letting loose and having fun and not taking this serious game so seriously. Hey, I’m really good at that! There are nicknames on the back of the jerseys and wacky cleats and bats and socks! How fun! Sign me up! The cynical side of me wants to say huge cash grab suuure, but the fact that all the proceeds go to the player’s chosen charity is kind of cool I will admit. And really who wouldn’t want a Big Smooth jersey. It’s just fun, don’t overthink it! Speaking of fun, how about owning Rhys Hoskins? The rookie hit his ninth home run last night in the first inning to become the fastest player ever to get to nine homers in his first 16 big league games! Extrapolate that! Calculating…calculating…that’s a 90 homer season! And that’s math, people! Math don’t lie. He’s now homered in six straight games hitting .385 with 16 RBI in that stretch. ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS. Will he hit a home run in every game going forward? Probably! I don’t know! Remarkably, Rhys’ still available in about 40% of leagues but that number should be even higher by the time I finish this dot, dot, dot…sandwich! Gotcha! After jacking 67 homers in two minor leagues seasons the power is coming as no surprise, but his .283/.406/.755 slash is certainly a big plus. Grey told you to BUY and if he’s still out there in your league you need to run, not walk, to pick him up because late season call ups like this can win your fantasy league. Sadly, Hoskins isn’t rocking a nickname on the back of his jersey this weekend, but if it were up to me it’d be “All Rhys.” See what I did there? If I said it should be “Better Than Judge” would that have been clearer? Because no one is more dominant than All Rhys right now, not even that other guy.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

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Rich Hill threw a perfect game yesterday — he pitched into the tenth inning and didn’t get a blister. Are we measuring perfect games for Rich Hill differently now? I thought that was his standard. How about this? Rich Hill threw a perfect game through nine innings if Logan Forsythe would’ve stayed down on a grounder to third, which leaves Forsythe with nothing but hindsight. The irony is thick like Nicki Minaj. Yesterday, Rich Hill went 9 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.32; his only blemish was a tenth-inning, lead-off, walk-off home run by Josh Harrison, oh, that spoil sport. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Between Cody Bellinger, Aaron Judge, Rafael Devers, Andrew Benintendi, Ozzie Albies, Amed Rosario, Rhys Hoskins and Yoan Moncada baseball is staying at a Renaissance Hotel. “Is that a Cal Ripken mint rookie card under my pillow and a Beckett Baseball Card Guide in the side table? What a great hotel!” That’s me staying at a baseball-themed Renaissance Hotel. Oh, and this is barely touching a majority of Ralph’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects. By the way, I Googled top 100 baseball rookies from the preseason, and Baseball America had Dansby Swanson, Josh Bell, Tyler Glasnow, Jharel Cotton, Jose De Leon, Robert Gsellman and Albert Almora in the top 10. (Judge was 12th, Bellinger 19th and Ben Grieve 5th. Okay, not Grieve, but you get the drift.) Rookies are a crapshoot, but baseball ate some beans and is shooting crap! (That sounded better in my head.) Yesterday, Rafael Devers hit his 5th and 6th homers, coming in only his 16th game, as he hits .339. He’s only 20 years old!!! Triple exclamation marks due to sticky keyboard because of Giancarlo, my apologies. If I had the time or motivation, I’d go back to the comments from people who said within three days of Devers’ call-up that he’s overmatched. Yo, I think you might want to hold back your hot takes for a minute. For 2018, Devers or Benintendi? Okay, I’m gonna hold back my own hot takes, but you’re seriously considering the guy who’s only been up for two-plus weeks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

The injury bug bit HARD this week. Every player on this list is a player whose absence will have huge fantasy implications. The playoffs are right around the corner and the smartest owners will be able to manage their injuries and still come out on top. Use my advice to help take you there. With another six outfielders on the disabled list I’m going to make my outfield recommendations at the bottom of this article.

As always, leave a comment below if you have any league-specific injury questions…

Ozzies sure seem to always be MIs. Oswaldo Arcia must not have been allowed to change his name, he should’ve switched with Orlando. I’m at the waiver wire like this, “Go shopping…Go shopping…Let’s all go shopping…Go shopping…” Ya know what? I’m just gonna leave this here…

I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!
I’m at the Albies Square Mall!

You have to love Biz’s way with words. Can only be described as slow and methodical. Ozzie Albies can best be described as mini-Altuve. What’s he a dwarf? You little person, Ozzie Albies Square Mall? He has a ton of speed (70 score), and makes contact, while his power has made serious gains. Or GAINZ, according to Endorphin Ralph. He’s a must grab in all leagues, and could be a top 25 fantasy player for dynasty leagues. This little guy is big-time. Unlike Ozzie Guillen and Ozzy Osbourne, this Ozzie will use his bat for something useful vs slapping and biting. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: