Tyra Banks showed her greedy lust for ratings in this week’s edition of America’s Next Top Model. How else to explain the survival of a contestant who complained loudly at her first professional photoshoot that she was mad at being made to wait around? Who refused to make eye contact with the photographer because she was in such a snit? Who made a loud fuss that the other girls were getting a more dramatic makeover than her? And, who, when given the haircut she had begged for, complained that her boyfriend would hate it? With that kind of winning personality, such a girl would have to be drop-dead gorgeous to work professionally as a model, one would think...so the sight of gap-toothed Brandy in her bright red Ronald McDonald wig pulling a diva attitude seemed like an easy first cut from the show. But beauty - outer or otherwise - has no place in reality television, and Brandy was kept over Brita, a curvaceous Nordic blond with traffic-stopping looks. Who needs boobs when you’ve got Drama?

I'm Not That Innocent

On this week's episode of the WB's The Starlet, the wannabe actresses were tasked with a screen test that made several of them question their involvement in this business. The scene was set in a hot tub and included a passionate kiss with another woman. No one wanted to pair up with the hyperactive, overly theatrical Courtney, and she was left to work with Michelynne, who was off receiving a makeover prize during the time of the partner choosing. Michelynne, the youngest and most inexperienced of the group, confessed that she never dreamt she would receive her first kiss ever from a girl in a hot tub. When it came time to shoot the scene, Courtney pounced on Michelynne and practically dragged her underwater as she mauled and groped the poor girl, causing the other contestants to scream and one of the judges to cover his eyes in horror. It's true what they say - you'll always remember your first kiss.

A Near-Catastrophe for Fangirls Everywhere

Oh, that Ryan Seacrest . . . what a jokester. On Wednesday night's American Idol results show, the show's two "rockers," Constantine Maroulis and Bo Bice, are summoned to center stage, where the insipid old adage is once again pronounced: "Which one stays . . . and which one goes?" Both contestants look positively ill from worry, and when Bo is revealed as safe, it looks as though everyone's favorite leather-clad shrieker has come to the end of the road. But not so fast, people! It was all just another shocking, surprising, and utterly contrived Seacrest fake-out. Constantine shall move on to the Top 12, as well, so it seems as though the magical aura of his lucky Justin Guarini T-shirt did the trick. (Man, those are a real steal these days at $0.25!) So, is rock dead? With two rockers in the Top 12, it's apparently very much still alive and kicking. Yeow!

Superdaddy.

Thanks to the power of editing it took a mere matter of minutes to for Robert Gorbea to change from recliner-hugging, disinterested father, to possibly the best pupil we've seen through this series of Supernanny.
Unimpressed by Jojo's plan to have him do weekend chores and cut back on his daily "transition time", Robert proved more than equal to the every challenge and childcare technique in his path.
After conquering the task of shopping with tantrum throwing toddler Adam and an afternoon of household chores, he manged to get Adam settled into his crib at the first time of asking.
Robert's grasp of the program was such that he was even able to correctly coach his wife in the correct application of the techniques after she failed time and again.
For casting aside his skepticism and embracing the help he was offered fully, Robert deserves to be named Star Student.

Introducing The Hardline.

Wife-swapping stepped aside in favour of Boss swapping this week. Same concept, less opportunity for nudge nudge wink wink-isms.
No nonsense, luxury used car salesman Stuart Silver swapped jobs with the Kari Caden, a business owner with only one eye on the bottom line and her bottom on the massage table, during office hours.
They each set about applying some of their unique business practices to their new places of work and we saw Stuart rev the laid back, come and go as they please Caden staff into selling machines, turning in one of their most profitable weeks ever. Kari fared less well at Silver motors where, once she'd banned their downtime gambling sessions, the staff sat around being antagonized by her motivational speaker and waiting for customers that never came.
Guess they hadn't heard that Kari had spruced up the washroom.
The tough approach obviously worked, as post swap the sales teams, the sales bell and the security camera's Stuart introduced to Caden all remained.
While at Silver motors the gambling was bought right back, they even got a bigger table.
At least the opportunity for a luxury pee is still on offer.

Float Like A Butterfly, Dodge Like a Ram.

The smack talk continued to flow between Ishe and Ahmed on The Contender this week.
Each was so confident in his own ability that the lips didn't stop flapping even when the other was engaged in a sparring session with completely unrelated partners.
Asked to lay bare his credentials by Ahmed via the use of "Who you fought? Come on, who you fought?" Ishe responded in time honoured fashion with "Your mama!"
After the "West" won the challenge again, Ishe had the opportunity to don the gloves and finally settle things by challenging Ahmed to join him in this weeks bout.
With the wise words of special guest George Foreman still ringing in his ears, Ishe ducked, bobbed and weaved his way out of gloving up and left the winning of an actual fight to his team mate Jesse.
Who knew George was so influential?**Must buy grill, must buy grill....**

Shop Until You're Dropped

On this week's episode of The Amazing Race, boyfriends Lynn and Alex chose the Shop rather than the Schlep detour. All was sweetness and light with the fish monger when they were offered a fish that appeared to weigh exactly the minimum three kilos. Lynn and Alex happily headed off to find the mysterious Chico Lolo and acquire the remaining required ingredients. The boyfriends appeared to be in their element doing much air kissing and complimenting while acquiring the vegetables and garlic and getting along splendidly with the vendors. Their 'tudes changed once they headed back to the chef expecting to be given the next clue. Instead, they were told their fish was not quite three kilos. When they returned to the owner of the fishy scales, Lynn and Alex decided to accuse the fish monger of having rigged scales rather than trying a calmer approach. The two barely escaped the fish monger and his cohorts who only needed torches to look like villagers in a Frankenstein remake.

Settle it Sumo Style

Koror's fearless leader Tom got to prove this week that he really is top dog on Survivor. Going two rounds in the gladiator ring with Ulong's much younger (and, to the eye, fitter) strong man Bobby Jon, Tom emerges victorious both times. Heading Koror's unprecedented winning streak on all fronts, Tom appears to quite literally be "The Man." Not so for Ulong James, the least P.C. of all our contestants--and one who perhaps attends family reunions to pick up on women--as he loses both his fights to *gasp* a homo-sex-shee-al. James is forced to assume that under all the floppy excesses, Coby must be hiding the toned body of a regular gym worshiper--just like aaaall those homo-sex-shee-als have.

Fer Shizzle My Tizzle.

Tana leapt at the chance to cast off her suburban mother image on The Apprentice this week.
Challenged with raising as much money as possible for the Elizabeth Gaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, the contestants met with various music industry celebs in order to obtain goodies, gifts and the like to be sold to the highest bidder in a televised auction.
In the presence of the King of Crunk, Lil Jon, Tana effortlessly transformed herself into an East Side Boy by throwing around such terms as "bling bling" and "we be talking now". She went on to assure Lil Kim that many people would "diggidy" her auction items.
Shame Tana couldn't bid herself, I'm sure she'd have paid handsomely to be able to "back that thing up" as a video ho.

Thanks to all the writers who contributed - in alphabetical order - fluff, hepcat, Mantenna, Mariner, onetvslave and spegs.

03-14-2005, 06:16 PM

mrdobolina

Thanks everybody!! Great work!

I gotta ask....how young ARE the girls on "The Starlet"???? That task just seems inappropriate--at any age.

03-14-2005, 06:23 PM

hepcat

Young, but over 18. They were re-creating a scene from one of those WB shows, was it One Tree Hill?