Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I haven't been single since high school. And since then I've dated and loved some of the most amazing men (and some not so amazing men) with whom I shared amazing years, take your breath away special moments, and built memories, some I thought would last forever.

They didn't.

I am single, at this moment, tonight, by choice. I ended my last relationship in July, after being asked politely to leave a year before that. And the past 2 months have taken me on a journey that at first I went on, kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. I didn't want to be single, you see. I wasn't supposed to be. I've had a particularly rough 2 months, filled with some wonderful dates, and some horrible dates, wasted makeup, multiple teary nights after which I told myself NO MORE DATING. Me? I am the worlds BEST girlfriend, I thought. I have so much love to give! What am I going to do with all of it? Why is the universe just letting it go to waste?

It was one of those moments...lightbulb, kick in the ass, whatever. Maybe I was wasting it on those who were undeserving. What if instead, I channeled all that love into...myself??

I stuck to it. My love story is one of turning inward...and learning to love myself, on my own. I used to depend on my significant other for so much, and I'm talking about way more than late night runs to bring me ice cream. My self worth, my identity, was always wrapped up completely in whomever I was dating. I'm still a work in progress and of course I get lonely, and miss having a chest to rest my head on at night. It's in those moments where I remember now doesn't mean it's going to be forever.

Have you ever felt your heart getting stronger or seen your identity emerge with a force you've never known? I am so different...and I love it. I have had so much time alone to think...to work on myself and figure out what exactly I need from my next, and hopefully last, partner.

I love being in love, you guys. I'm good at it. I truly believe that it is out there for me, again. HE is. I believe that if I had settled, or stayed or forgave yet again, sure I might be part of a couple, an "us", but I wouldn't be happy. I would always wonder...about myself, and about him.

Life leads us on so many different journeys, takes us places we never expected to go. I believe my love story began when I broke free of those expectations and let go...instead of wanting what I didn't have, I began appreciating every single thing I DO have....all the love being literally showered on me by family, friends,...and I began to love them back with the same vengeance and fierceness.

With that said, I can't wait to meet HIM. Now, when I meet someone I am willing to invest in, I don't forget who I am, what I have learned in the past year and a half, the things you have helped me see. My self worth, my identity will never be dependent on anyone. I will never stop loving myself, because as I've told so many friends before and finally decided to take my own advice...How can anyone truly love you when you don't completely love yourself?

They can't.

So Mr. Wonderful, whomever you maybe...I certainly hope you are working on yourself as much as I am, I can't wait to meet you, one day. Some day. No rush. My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, just in case you are, by any chance, swinging by Albertsons. Until then, I'll get it on my own. :) See you soon...