Friday, August 08, 2008

Overdue

i felt inclined to write here today because i have been silent to long. and it has been painful. all to painful to remember, all to hard to make me remember what i so wanted to forget instantly. so damaging to my soul to re-live the memories of those deteriorating years full of loneliness and sadness.

when my precious mya was born, it was a joy that overwhelmed my complete being. i was so happy. God had answered my prayers with a beautiful baby girl. shortly after that i was blessed even more with the knowledge that keira was in my womb. it should have been the happiest time in my life and i expected it to be, but it wasn't. it was the total opposite. i felt more alone and scared than i ever had felt before. my relationship with my then husband was cold and empty. in fact, we had several fights over online activities that i felt were inappropriate and disrespectful to me. i even emailed this one girl begging her to leave him alone but that got me no where. my anger should have never been directed towards her because it was really about him. i wish i could have been stronger, but i wasn't. i was 4.5 months pregnant and not feeling too attractive or wanted for that matter. i felt humiliated, desperate, disrespected and pathetic. i just wanted to spend time with him, but there was always something else...online activities, TV, sleep, etc. in retrospect, it wasn't so much about the actions that hurt me, but it was more about not being able to trust him or our future. he would laugh at me and tell me i'm over-reacting and nothing was going on. he would say he would stop, but i would still see things that broke my heart into pieces. worse over, i felt i had to keep all this inside me. no one would ever understand that i could be so sad during a time where my deepest desire in having a baby was being fulfilled. my God, i was pregnant and all the doctors told me i would never be pregnant. what a miracle. i felt selfish for not just being grateful for the gift of mya and being pregnant. i tried so hard to be happy but when your heart is not heard, you give up. you give up when you don't even know you're giving up. i felt so depleted of energy that i stopped caring and stopped feeling. i became so numb that i felt nothing. and he did too. why else would he need to go outside of me to find solace. why else would he feel the need to talk and be with people other than me. as innocent as he said things were, i began losing trust in him. not only in his words, but who he was to me as my partner and best friend. but i guess he never really was my best friend. we were never that close in all our marriage. a lot of times, i felt more like his roommate than his wife. during our infertility days, we got so close. our sadness over the inability to be parents bonded us. we fell in love all over again. it was amazing. i felt like we were given a second chance, but it didn't last long. we were the perfect couple on the outside, but we were both dying on the inside. one incident of disrespect could never break us, but years did.

one day i got so fed up with everything that i told him that i couldn't go on like this anymore and that i was leaving him. we were already out of the house because of a mice situation. how everything transpired was almost like god was guiding me to do this. it was one of the best decisions i could have ever made. i was scared of the future, but was more scared to keep living in that situation. not just for me, but for the girls too. it was not healthy hearing us yelling and fighting every day. i didn't want the girls to think that a marriage like that was acceptable. because i didn't want them growing up being confused about love and marriage. what i want for them is to see respect, trust and honor between mommy and daddy, not anger and resentment. i didn't know it would happen that day, but it was the best thing that i could have ever done. i don't think many people could do what i did because we are creatures of habit and like doing things that are comfortable for us. why else do you think it took us years to do this. soon after, we both admitted to each other that we were wrong for one another from the very beginning. we were just to stupid to accept it and make a change for the better

so after years of not wanting to feel this again, here i am rehashing it out in my website. i still feel a lot of pain when i think about our relationship. that's why i don't like thinking about it, much more talking about it with other people. but i have to admit that writing about it here does make me feel better. it has not been easy to redefine our relationship, but my ex and i are trying. although i have forgiven him and he has forgiven me, it doesn't mean that everything is okay. it will take time, a long time for us to fully heal. we are trying to work together for the girls and to create a new friendship while also trying to move on with our lives.

now that decisions have been mad and futures are moving forward, i feel blessed for all the friends and family that have supported me unconditionally. i couldn't have gone through what i did without them. i know it's not easy to support someone when you may not know all the details, but i appreciate those who did because it really has made a difference to me. that is a true sign of character and loyalty. i am a very private person and will not share information easily with others until I totally feel ready to do so. even though individuals may have felt torn, a certain level of respect was always maintained. one of my closest friends told me that through this experience, i will discover who my true friends/family are and she was right. i have learned so much from this experience and i continue to do so. it has only made me stronger and more determined to find happiness in every moment of my day with people that care and support me and my family.

so for those out there that haven't accepted that the marriage is over. all i can say to that is....if me and the ex are happy with the way things are, why can't you be happy too? that makes me wonder, is it really about me, or you? does my situation bring up fears in your life? whatever the case may be, we're getting there. the ex seems to be enjoying his life and i'm happy too. more than i ever thought i could be. i always thought relationships had to be a struggle, but it really doesn't have to be. i now have someone who swoons over me, respects me and puts our relationship first before anything else. more importantly, he adores my baby bears like his own. so despite everything there's a happy ending to this all. maybe that's why it took me so long to write this. i needed my happy ending to that chapter in my life so that i can begin creating a new one. i am hopeful and at peace and oh so thankful for what i have today. when one door closes, another one will open...when you least expect it, you will get another gift. you just have to believe.