2014-05-07

My Thoughts On Mother's Day: A Work In Progress

Warning: This is a bit of a not politically correct rant.Guess whose mother hates Mother’s Day?

Probably a LOT of Moms, but you guessed it: my kids' mom. I like the IDEA of Mother’s Day, any family-based holiday can be whatever you make it. Besides my own issues between my ears, what is next-level annoying is the American tradition of taking a potentially meaningful situation and over-marketing it into Sharknado of Shame.

For years, I could not even be on the internet on days like Mother’s Day thanks to the barrage of eye-rapingpixilated flower bouquets and empty wishes from every single corporation that ever existed just to get their BRAND in front of your face another time. Oh, and also ‘celebrate Moms,’ because nothing says “You deserve the best” like a picture on the internet of lunchmeat rolled into roses.

Sadly this was found on Pinterest, with instructions. Some PERSON, not named Oscar Meyer, actually wanted to do this and wanted you to know HOW to achieve it.

Thanks for thinkin’ of us, Land O Lakes, I’m sure that rose-shaped butter blob really turned the whole day around for the people who haven’t spoken to the women they came out of for decades. How did you know?

Kudos Miracle Whip, I’m sure every person that wanted to have children and still hasn’t for whatever reason, feels all warm and oily inside from seeing your “Happy Mother’s Day” greeting spelled out in mayonnaise.

That is what 'Murican Mother's Day is all about. Spending your hard-earned cash on something Mom doesn't need and probably won't even like because marketing told you that you have to. And everyone else is doing it, so you'll feel bad if you don't. Then Mom has to pretend she likes it, because that's what mothers do.

Literally nothing sums up Motherhood more than Mother's Day morning. Mothers nation-wide pretending to love their crappy breakfast and whatever trinket they receive, so the gift giver(s) don't feel bad.

Don't get me started on the jewelry. I know what the intention is, but to me it feels like:

"You only have TWO? I have FOUR!"Thanks Zales, for adding the names so everyone knows they're real.

"Give her the gift she's always wanted, and finally deserves, something with the birthstones of her children, to wear as some creepy merit badge to the world: 'Look, I went through withthis many pregnancies.'She can wear it every day as a constant reminder these children are the only reason she exists, and the only thing she could ever possibly be interested in ever again." Barf. All the vomit that was ever projectiled. I know, most Moms actually love these life accomplishment trinkets. If you do, you're normal. I'm the weird one. I'm guessing I'm not the only one, but you don't have to out yourself to the internet. Let me do that.

Like most other holidays I hate Mother’s Day for the same reason anyone hates any holiday, it makes me feel bad.

Whether it’s true or not, I feel like Mother’s Day is yet another day for normal people to celebrate the normal awesome moments of their normal lives with their normal kids. Meanwhile, I have always just smiled and pretended like I belong in some part of this because I have a child.

I know it's much more than that, but when you’re the mother of an ADHD/ODD child, your Mom moments aren’t the same as other Mothers’ moments. When you’re the single mother of this kind of child, and you’re the only person in this kid’s life who stands up to the challenge, and fights to teach them consequences despite how difficult that really is, you don’t feel proud on Mother’s Day, or any day. You’re just glad everyone survived another day.

You have to think about HOW you survived, even though you don’t want to, because there’s a new game/battle/war starting tomorrow, and somehow you have to survive that day, too. You know you can do it, but you have no idea how.

You also know this is not how you’re supposed to look at parenting, but for the longest time, this was the reality of it for me. I want to say “people like me” or “people like us” but one of the bonus prizes that comes in the package is feeling like you’rethe ONLY parent in the entire universe that feels this way, and goes through these feelings.

There’s no way all these happy Moms on Facebook, posting pictures of their fancy breakfasts, prepared by their adoring children, feel the way I feel. Nevermind that Facebook is just the Highlight Reel of life for most people, I know that. Yet every year, seeing the parade of those happy, proud Moms and their offspring-made treasures used to make me feel even worse.

Yes, I have some trinkets and treasures from some years when I wasn’t in a giant war of wills with my son on Mother’s Day. I treasure those. They are hidden so my younger children don’t break them, like they have done with all of my makeup and jewelry. Those things are replaceable. What can’t be replaced are the reminders of the precious moments when my son and I got along, when he took the time to give a token of appreciation, even if his father made him do it because HIS mother told him to.

I have to stop this train of thought here, and hopefully pick up where I left off later. There is much more to say, but I have very little time and these posts are the most difficult for me to write.

However, don't worry for me, like the brave women who smoke Virginia Slims cigarettes, even in public, I've come a long way, baby.

from standord.tobacco.edu

I will say that I’m getting much better. I continue to do the best I can, regardless of how increasingly difficult that becomes every year. And it’s tripled this past year. My son is going through another stage that I don't understand, and like all of his stages, what works with other people doesn't work for him. We're working on it.

The good news: These days I have a partner who supports me emotionally, if not in a parenting sense, at least having emotional support is a huge improvement and gift from the universe. I do have younger children that don’t seem to be blessed with the unique challenge my oldest child was blessed with. For Mother's/Father's Day, my husband and I have agreed not to shower each other in ridiculous overpriced cheaply manufactured crapola. We let the other sleep in, because that is really all that mothers of small children want any day, to SLEEP. We make each other breakfast "in bed" (usually in couch) and just enjoy what we have. Each other, and these children. These human, flaws-and-all, lovely, funny, exhausting children. That's the gift. Four years ago and change, he gave me another chance at motherhood and another attempt at a normal life. We've since decided to abandon any attempts at normalcy, and I've literally never been happier. It turns out, all you need to lead a normal-feeling life, is that one person who makes your normalbe the norm. Instead of buying each other gifts we can't really afford, I make him dinner every day whether I like it or not, and he goes to work every day to pay for our food, whether he feels like it or not. I don't need the head-count on a piece of jewelry, I have the gift every day. Plus that annual bonus of breakfast in couch.I may even post my runny eggs and crayon drawings on Facebook. Stay tuned.

25 comments:

I believe that the original purpose of Mother's Day was to advocate for peace instead of war because soldiers who die in wars always have mothers who don't want to sacrifice their kids to the war machine. But the holiday got co-opted by business and government. Behold the de-fanged and syrupy result.

Joy, you're doing it again. Making me laugh and cry in the same post. If anyone EVER even THINKS about making me a meat-flower (which now that I've written it out sounds like something other than a rose made of bologna, but whatever, I'm going with it) I will lose my shit.And oh man, the battles with and about your son sound so freaking hard. I wish you all the best. I hope that in his heart he knows how lucky he is to have you for a mom.

"So, whatcha doing?""Oh, just rollin' bologna roses for Mother's Day. You?"Meat flower sounds better (and porn-ier) than Bologna Roses, which sounds like slang for "bullshit" when you're calling someone out on a pack of lies.Thank you. It's hard to talk about, especially right in the MIDDLE of the storm, but it does help. I don't know if anyone else can relate, I almost hope not. He won't know that, maybe not ever, but that never stopped me before.We all just do our best, which is different day to day, but what else can you do? I think he's past his "sell to the circus" stage :)

Joy, I have a lot of these same feelings about certain holidays. I know logically that it's all marketing and bullshit, and I so desperately don't want to be the robotic idiot that falls for it and eats all that shit up. I hate when big deals are made about things that shouldn't be about purchasing a forced gift. (like valentine's day). I agree: let me sleep in, have some quiet time, and I don't have to cook. done and done.

What I can't even imagine (or relate to personally) is the fighting and hardship you've been through with your son. I'm sure (one day if not now) he knows how lucky he is to have you for a mama!

I'm not a mother, so Mother's Day has always been about my own mom. When she's gone someday, I'll probably loathe the holiday! I have found, as I get older, that presents mean less and memories mean more, so for my birthday and anniversary, I now ask for weekend getaways rather than gifts. Seems to work well!

That's another thing, people who lost their mother have to see all of those "Happy Mother's Day" from Purina Cat Chow posts, too. My husband lost his mother 12 years ago, so this day was difficult for him for a long time. He used to have a tradition of spending it with HIS dad, who also didn't have a living mother. My sister literally worked it out with her ex-husband that HE would have the kids on Mother's Day, and SHE would have them on Father's Day, so they could each rest on "their day." Worked well for them.

Fun fact: I also married my husband in Las Vegas on Mother's Day weekend in 2008. The flights and hotel were significantly cheaper that weekend. My mom didn't mind at all, and she couldn't even be at the wedding.

I wrote a post about this subject too. Did you know the founder of mother's day actually renounced it because of its overcommercialization? Also, let's not even forget to mention those of us that don't have ideal mother relationships and have to see all the quotes about how our mother is our best friend pinned on pinterest a million times.

I did not, but I applaud that person with a standing ovation. I didn't forget those people at all, I just got overly emotional before I got to that, and then kept getting interrupted later when I tried to finish the post. Hopefully I'll have time to do a 2nd part, but if not, I keep those people in mind as well. I know the struggle, all too well. That's a whole post of it's own!

So glad you wrote this, so I'll remember it's almost Mother's Day, ha. I imagine Mother's Day is incredibly sad for my Mom... I am the only one of her 5 children who still talks to her, so I do feel a lot of pressure to try and do something for her on this holiday/her birthday and all of that. I wonder if she will settle for crayon drawings and runny eggs???

I'm betting she will. She may complain about it anyway, because MOMs. I'm guessing she uh, likes things a certain way, to put it politely, and I KNOW this kind of woman, oh so well, so I wouldn't bother trying to impress, just being there should be enough :) hahaha you don't have to believe it, just do it, right?

I love this. Real and honest and not full of bullshit. It's amazing how you've merged the hilarity, sentiment and frustration so beautifully (much like the deli-meat flower at the top - and those ads are PRICELESS). Well done, my friend. And Happy Mother's Day to you, for being the hard-working, dedicated mama that you are. This shit ain't easy.

Awesome rant, Joy, with a perfectly perfect sentimental ending. I'm so glad that you found the person who helps you to realize your own abnormal normal, and here's to sleeping in on Mother's Day! Last year, my husband asked me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted time alone. He took the kid out for a few hours. And I will not be made to feel guilty for it! xo

My mom is pretty sad on Mother's Day. She has had a hard road. Lost her mother mid-teens and three of her kids .... I have learned to let her have that and not attempt to cheer her up ... Its not that she doesnt want to feel better but I think she would rather be heard on that day .... so that's what I give her... that and I make her a great meal and crayon drawings...

Okay, so I did see that you wrote this one, but actually I wasn't sure how I'd react to it, which is why I'm late.

I'm also okay with it. Which is good. And I nodded my head along at a LOT of your points.

And then reading the comments you've had - from people whose hearts you've touched and whose lives you've spoken into with your rant and your upset about this holiday, and your valid reasons for not buying into it - I just know that this is why you need to keep writing your Reals. They matter. They're important and they make a difference.

Same here! Meaning I'm glad you're my friend. I have a LOT more feels about Mother's Day, but it was getting difficult, and I knew I would have to stop soon. One thing at a time I guess. I wanted to talk more about people who hate this day, but it's hard. Hopefully I'll be able to get deeper. Who knows. I appreciate your reading, and your feedback!