Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Because I am a master of all things pertaining to women, I thought it would be of great use to the rest of the male population if I were to take some time today and educate all you gents on what will undoubtedly go down in history as "Slyde's Handy 9-Point Guide To Understanding Women-Speak".

It's really not that hard once you've spent as much time around chicks as I have. And sharing my knowledge is a gift to you all. I'm a giver like that.

Anyway, Here it be:

(1)Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying "FUCK YOU!"

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I suggest you all just print this out and keep it neatly hidden in your wallet for easy referencing.

"(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house."

Wait a minute!

Who did you copy this from? Because there is no way that your mind generated that last sentence. When do you ever ask for five more minutes so you could "watch the game"? C'mon...

I LOVE this! Because there are some that are EXACTLY me! I use "whatever" all the time, and yes, it's sarcastic and I want him to shut the fuck up.

# 1 and #4 are me all the way, too.

I don't think I've ever said "Thank a lot". I'm too verbal and vocal to let it end there.

One that I'm not??? #2. I can get ready FASTER than my husband, and that's doing my hair and my makeup. He has even timed me before when I've said "I can do this is 10 minutes". He has often said that I get ready faster than any women he has ever known. But then again, he is a SLOW man. I mean SLOW!!!!!! Drives me freaking nuts, but hey, that's "okay".