I always thought that the one story where the important internet
writer's computer dies to death was just something they made up when
they were too bored to write something. But then whoa and behold, last
week, my Hewlett Cackard craptop just stops working while I'm writing
seven pages about Paradise Lost. (Did you read
How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents? I had to
wear a belt whenever I read that one because it just charmed the pants
off of me.) So now Extended Computer Warranty is sending me a box or
should I say coffin in which to mail them the computer. I hate to see
my computer wrestle, but I'd love to see her box. Anyway, who cares,
the fact of the matter, jabroni, if you smell what the Rock is cooking,
is this: I said, "CRZ, I won't let you down, bro. I got this. No
broken computer will stop me from filing a report," except, and this is
the disappointing part, it did stop me, thereby breaking my iron man
streak at let me see here ... eight weeks? Solid. At least it was a
slow week for the news that I was brought in to report. It's not like
anybody died or anything.

Hoss Russ Haas died in his sleep on December 11, 2001. Russ and his
brother Charlie were developmental wrestlers for the WWF down there in
Bret Hartland. Haas, 27, suffered a heart attack on September 24, but
had been cleared to start training again and was expected to resume
wrestling in January. If you're one of those, you'll
say, "a heart attack at 27 sounds a lot to me like steroids," and if
you're one of those others you'll say, "I extend my
deepest, darkest sympathies to everybody," but I am in no position to
do either, because, well, seriously. Jim Ross mentioned the passing in
passing on Raw. Not really in passing at all; they specifically
mentioned it and whatnot. You saw. Help me, J.R. "Russ Haas was one
of our shining lights at Heartland Wrestling, and he was an even better
human being. Our deepest sympathies go out to the Haas family. Russ
will truly be missed by all who knew him." Dos Haas were reportedly
close to being brought up from developmental. Charlie will keep on
keeping on in HWA.

WWFE aired RAW is RAW this week and last. I thought both shows were
"there," as the saying goes. Last week was just, I dunno, flat.
Stereo figure-fours were cool. This week's had a good main event, but
the rest of the show was weak (and obviously I wasn't expecting
anything unweak, so no harm no foul). I liked the concept of the skits
at first, but, oh my, they were on the lame side. Might as well just
chill for the next couple weeks because nothing is going to happen
until the big Madison Square Garden Raw on January 7, a beautiful day.
Hey, how about Stephanie crying on Raw? Talk about the worst news I
heard all day. That's really bad. I pray to Santa Claus that
Stephanie McMahon is not going to come back with Hunter as a babyface
because if she does I will LITERALLY DIE. Just strap the heart attack
machine across my shoulders, and then the kerosene is brought down from
the castles by insurance men who go check to see that nobody is
escaping from Christmas ho ho ho. Oh don't you dare make her a face.
If she has to be on TV it's gotta be to turn on HHH and go with Jericho
or Angle, right? Right?? Oh no. According to Dave on the LAW as
reported to me by Matt, that 1/7/01 Raw will put the wheels in motion
for the old how you say split company two promotions divided rosters
deal, which I guess will come as a result of the spoiler Ric Fl_ir vs.
Vince McM_hon m_tch _t the Roy_l Rumble spoiler.

Meltzer, whose book Tributes I received from Santa
Claus, is saying Awesome
Chris Jericho who is Awesome's program with Rob Van Dam could end up
being the PPV title match, which would allow them to load the Rumble up
with a lot of starpower. In the best case scenario that would elevate
both Jericho and Van Dam to top status but in the worst case devalues
the title. Fans are not taking to Jericho as the world champion, which
makes sense considering how beaten and beaten and beaten he was before
winning the title. They're, like, trying to make him a vulnerable
champ, obviously, but so far he's come across like something of a fluke
champ. :-/

In r8ings news, Steve Austin's skit in the supermarket with Booker T.
on Smackdown was funny. And was a big ratings-killer -- 3.6 for the
show. Whoops. 12/17/01 Raw last week did a 4.0, its second lowest
rating of the year and second lowest in that timeslot in three years
(excluding holidays). That's down from 4.7 on 12/10. They'll get a
bump on January 7, with the Hunter hype -- long build-up, much longer
than Rock got for his comeback! Triple H isn't going to get the 5.7 or
5.8 that Rock got, but there will be an increase, especially with no
more Monday Night Football.*

Andrew McANUS's WWA group announced that they plan on doing a PPV from
Las Vegas on February 24, 2002, headlined by who knows what, maybe Road
Dogg vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. the immobile Scott Steiner. The world does
need one more person, me, to say that WCW and ECW could not draw on PPV
last year, and that was with television. The world does need one more
person, me, to say that WCW could not draw on PPV last year with more
star power than WWA's roster full of the guys that the WWF doesn't
want. Dave M. (to maintain his anonymity) said it is expected that WWA
will offer Nash a deal for roughly the same amount of money that he was
negotiating over with the WWF, with the reduced working schedule and
limited number of dates for which he yearns. As for Scott Hall, beats
me. Might as well take him, for Rob Davitt's benefit.

Chris Connelly conducted an interview with Hulk Hogan on ESPN last
Thursday. It was silly stuff. Hogan said all the right things about
Vince, Hunter, Rock, Austin, WWF, etc. He mentioned pressing the
700-pound Andre the Giant over his head in front of 93,000 at
WrestleMania III -- for fun, count the number of factual errors in that
statement. I count three.

During a radio interview, Larry Zbysco called out Vince McMahon and
claimed that Chris Jericho is exploiting Larry's name value by calling
himself a living legend. Triple H is set to return on 1/7/01 as The
Game (of Human Chess). Credit ... Hobbes.

Two weeks ago, it was reported in this very ring that "On New Year's
Eve, the World Wrestling Federation will be airing a special three-hour
episode of RAW entitled "Best of the WWF 2001 - Viewers' Choice." The
show will feature the top ten matches of the year as voted on by
Federation fans." Hmm. There's an assload of great matches this year so
I think this calls for an awesome COUNTDOWN~ of MATCHES~ starting next
week~." And I held an awesome countdown of matches the following week,
as promised, by making a list and then watching them. Next week, I'll
probably actually write about the list here, and fill
out the Wrestling Observer Newsletter year-end awards ballot too.
(Best Box Office Draw? Here's a little hint -- his name ends with
"ustin." Yes, that's right, I voted for myself.) In the meantime,
maybe you'd like to see some of my roommate Mike's picks:

* Speaking of football, Sunday at the Steelers game (p.s. OMG the
Steelers), 5 minutes in, the fan seated behind me uh oh, HE'S GONNA
PUUUUUUUUUUUUKE, and wham all over the back of my jacket. He got the
chunks all up in there. The guy ran away to the bathroom and I made a
"mortified" face and took off my jacket and sweatshirt. It SMELLED. So
I'm seething, Jerry, seething, and I want to rip off his head and kill
his head and wail away on his body, ohhh yeah, so when he comes back in
the 4th quarter, he doesn't even know he threw up all over me, and he
stumbles back into the aisle, and I bring the ruckus and stand up, and
I'm all "DUDE!" And he's like "[is a tard]?" And I didn't know how to
properly express what I was feeling, so I said the first thing that
occured to me, which was, "DID YOU KNOOOOOW? DID YOU KNOW that when
Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium ... that the
consortium ... WHOO ... that the CONSORTIUM ... WAS ... ME! WHOO! And
that means that you and me ... are LIMOUSINE RIDING! JET FLYING! KISS
STEALING! WHEELIN DEALIN! SONS OF GUNS! And you wanna know WHY? Because
we're PARTNERS!" And everyone left is staring at me (on account of I'm
awesome), and the drunk is befaggled, and I said "Dude, you puked all
over me" but by then other people had pointed him out to Jericho
Personal Security as the guy who puked all over everything in the first
quarter and he was ejected.

And that, my friends, is why Ric Flair is the best wrestler ever. That
and all those good matches he had.