MAGICAL WORDS

These steps will turn your pain around in 24 hours (or less)

For those of us who seek healing we oftentimes get stuck on the HOW. If you’re like me, you’ve done a lot of work to determine the WHAT, that is, what the “wound” actually is. If you haven’t done that yet, I teach a class on core wounds you’ll want to take before doing the following exercise. Knowing what’s at the core of our issues is comforting but just having the awareness isn’t enough.

For years, I did not think I was good enough to be the woman I fantasized about being living the life of my dreams. So while I set goals for myself and envisioned my life when I would reach them, subconsciously, I *knew* I couldn’t really get there. I didn’t deserve that kind of happiness and success. So I would sabotage my efforts and feel like shit about it and “cope” with food or booze or shopping (hello credit card debt!).

And then Lumpy came on the scene and eventually I had to deal with my self-image issues.

Sex and intimacy are what differentiate a marriage from a friendship or other kind of partnership. If you're married and not cultivating this aspect of the relationship, you can expect it to break down eventually. I've seen this happen so many times with clients and I have personally experienced it my own relationship.

I've been having a lot of conversations lately about 'The New Normal' or what I would describe as a new set-point for daily life.

A specific example of this from my own life is my fitness level. For months and months (and MONTHS) I tried to get consistent with diet and exercise and my yoga practice. I would journal about it and create strategies and and even post about my intentions publicly. And for months and months I failed at achieving the kind of results I wanted.

Today, however, I have even better results than I imagined for myself. So what gives? How did I go from an ongoing battle with myself - which would include a lot of guilt and frustration - to this New Normal where I am strong and lean and feeling really fucking great about myself - effortlessly choosing to eat clean and train at the gym almost every day?

I'll tell ya. And it's not as big of a deal as you might think. Follow these five steps and you will find yourself living a New Normal, too.

STEP 1: Clear Vision

This is the VERY FIRST THING YOU MUST DO to transform any area of your life. The question to ask yourself is, "What do I want to create?". If you don't know your WHAT you'll constantly be in a state of confusion, which is super draining, trust me.

Your WHAT must be deeply compelling. In other words, my WHAT was initially about "losing weight" but that wasn't compelling enough. Then it was "fitting into my clothes". Still not compelling enough. Eventually, my WHAT became "having more than enough energy to do all the things I want to do in a day and feel lean and strong and clear-headed".

If you want to transform your body or relationship or even travel the world, get clear about 'what you want to create' in that area and make sure it's compelling. That is, it has deep significant meaning for you and your experience of life.

STEP 2: Anchors Away

Now that you are connected to WHAT you want to create it's time to release the anchors. And by anchors, I mean the physical and emotional stuff that's weighing you down and keeping you stuck. Think of it like 'clearing clutter'.

Where are you suppressing, resisting or avoiding? What coping mechanisms or distractions are you allowing to come between you and your desired outcome? What or who are you hanging onto that is no longer serving you?

We all have them. Usually, the most potent of these are emotional. We hold on to physical things and people and patterns of behavior because they keep us insulated (or 'safe') from our lower vibrational feelings. Emotions are powerful and some can be really uncomfortable and disruptive to our lives.

The best advice I can give here is JUMP. Jump off the mother fucking cliff and see what happens. Yes, you might feel terrified and be in a free fall with the ground coming at you at a thousand miles an hour. I HAVE BEEN THERE. And you know what? You'll find that you have the capacity to FLY. You'll find your wings and soar like an eagle. It happens every time.

STEP 3: Success Set Up

After letting go of the stuff that's not supporting you and your WHAT, it's time to set up environments conducive to your success. This especially includes the people you surround yourself with.

They say you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.

From my experience, this is a #truestory. In my case, my fitness game got amplified by the fact that my best girlfriend - a personal trainer and wellness consultant - moved in with me. I've also been dating men who are into fitness and yoga, eating well and making healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm surrounded by people who inspire and motivate me to be successful.

Not only are the people in your life indicative of your success, your environments play a huge role in it, too. Look around you. Your home - is it a reflection of you and what you want to feel? Or is there just a bunch of random stuff taking up space? What about your work environment? Are you among high-energy happy people who are stoked to be there? Or are things mind-numbing where you can't wait for the day to end?

Remember this is all about creating YOUR NEW NORMAL so you may have to shatter some old norms to get to the new one. Stay connected to your WHAT and the decisions to break out will be less painful.

STEP 4: Consistent Actions

The key to creating any lasting transformation is consistency. Every action is a CHOICE.

You have likely been choosing the same actions for a while and thus have the results you currently have. The good news is, when you choose to create a New Normal, you shift your actions and the results follow.

I used to struggle big time with being consistent in my work outs. I recognize now that I was not connected deeply to a compelling WHAT. So my lack of choosing to exercise on a daily basis was a natural response. Now, it's no-brainer to make time in my schedule for the gym, trail, and/or yoga. No 'force' is involved what-so-ever.

My coach helped me assimilate the concept of "where there is no consistency, there is suffering". Yes, SUFFERING.

Pain and struggle are a part of life. Suffering doesn't have to be. It is a CHOICE.

Choose to do whatever you must to get clear about WHAT you want to create and the rest of these steps will be easy.

STEP 5: Evaluate + Refine + Grow

Ok. That's like three things in one step but they all work in harmony. As you create your New Normal it's imperative that you stay alert and evaluate your progress. Doing so without harsh judgements. Forgive yourself for any fuck-ups along the way. YOU'RE HUMAN. Check in with your support system to help you be objective with this.

Refine or tweak what needs adjustment. This is unavoidable. You will ultimately be growing and evolving in this process and what strategies are workable will, too. So just factor that shit in.

Your personal growth and transformation is the WHOLE POINT here. If you are not motivated to be a better version of yourself and live a more satisfying, fulfilling and badass life ...then stay where you're at. Not growing and evolving is the surest way to repeat the days, weeks, and years you've already lived.

Plenty of people do it. I'm not one of them and I bet the people you admire aren't either.

The bottom line is this. You have ONE LIFE. And it's super duper precious and short. You can stay in your current state of normalcy (which may be really great, btw) or you can look at where in your life you are ready to transform / up-level and make that shit happen.

This article is a 5-step process to support those who want a New Normal. I speak from lots of experience here - both in my own life and in my coaching practice. If you really really want a New Normal but don't think you can do it on your own, let's talk. I got you.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Earlier this week I made the following post on Face Book. Today I want to share a strategy for self-supporting one's truth/belief challenging. Check it out...

I love challenging people's "truth" or beliefs. And I love it when my coach, Alicia Marie challenges mine. I realized in my last coaching session that i have a tendency to tell myself this lie, "i don't like my life", from time to time. I can remember saying that as a kid...and as a teen...and in my 20's...and my 30's. When I believe that little lie-- LIKE IT'S THE TRUTH-- challenges, frustrations, depression and all kinds of shit shows up in my daily life. When I recognize that for what it is (an unconscious out-of-date broken record in my inner dialogue) I can replace it with something more useful and in fact, TRUE. The truth is I love a lot about my life...my friends, my family, my clients, the home I live in, the opportunities I have, the health of my body, the sun on my face, the two little weenie dogs that I cannot get enough of, my partner Matt Bennett, my voice and the courage to speak up and share who I am and what I'm up to...See?

I didn't intend to write all this but I guess my point is: When we challenge the "truth"/belief we are so latched onto, often a whole lotta good (peace, joy, love, freedom, connection) results.

What "truth" are you willing to have challenged today?

And now for that strategy...

Not everyone is able to have coaching conversations to support their personal growth so for anyone who could use a step-by-step self-supporting strategy, her ya go.

1. The first thing to do is NOTICE when you're in a rut (or funk, or dark hole, or stagnant spot, or anything LESS THAN desirable). The cool thing about life is it's meant to be lived JOYFULLY and ABUNDANTLY. So if that's not the experience you're having (barring a traumatic experience, of course) then you may want to challenge some beliefs or the "truth" as you see it.

2. Next, get CURIOUS about the thoughts you're having that contribute to the "less than experience". What is it that you believe to be true. It doesn't even have to be some big deal. In my FB post above, I was simply thinking "I don't like my life". That wasn't the only thing I was thinking but it sure did keep popping up for a few days. And that little lie felt like the truth. I mean, I could find all kinds of evidence to support it like: I wasn't getting any clients, my face was breaking out, my clothes didn't fit right, my relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be...the list goes on. The point is those thoughts were all about all the shit I DID NOT WANT.

3. Ask yourself the question, "What if the opposite were true?" In my case, Alicia asked me to tell her what I DID like about my life. Sitting in my office I looked around and saw my doggies laying in the patch of sunlight on the floor, "I love Copper and Penny", I said. Then I saw the green lawn through the windows and realized I love my little bungalow. I saw my shiny new car in the driveway, "I love the opportunities I have to earn a living that affords nice things". I thought of Alicia and my other AMAZING friends, "I love my friends...and family...and clients...and my work." Alicia then said, well it sounds like you DO like your life and there may just be an area that's out of integrity. What area is that?

4. If you're experiencing LESS THAN (fabulous) you may want to consider what's out of integrity. What has gone unaddressed or unexpressed that has turned into a story that isn't true? What I was not addressing was my desire for intimacy (physical, sexual, and spiritual) with Matt. I had been making attempts to express that but I realized those attempts were originating from a fear impulse. Fear has the qualities of contraction, aggression, and manipulation/control. In other words, I was approaching my request in a closed-off manner....even though I was asking for an open, loving experience. Integrity, btw, is the alignment between your thoughts, words, and actions with your true essence, heart and soul (aka LOVE). So what was out of integrity for me is pretty clear, huh?

5. LOVE is the source of sustainable creation. Are you creating from love or reacting out of fear? Don't get me wrong, fear definitely manifests some stuff. But it's usually the stuff you DON'T WANT. Love is the true creator. It's who we (and all of life) are at our core. The love impulse contains qualities like openness, invitation, empathy, presence, peace and ease, and joy. I don't know about you, but I sure do prefer to experience those qualities over the alternative. And so I did. The conversation that Matt and I had as a result of me doing this work was a breakthrough one. We still have some work to do to fully honor each other in the relationship but with integrity, it will be much more powerful and creative rather than disempowering and reactive!

In conclusion, we are more likely to be in integrity when we are coming from love. When our thoughts, words, and actions are aligned with our true essence, heart and soul--we are POWERFUL and CREATIVE. We can trust our TRUTH, allow LOVE to guide us, and create what we DO want. Anytime you're having a "less than" experience challenge what you're calling the truth. Get curious about the supporting beliefs and question whether they're rooted in LOVE or FEAR. If fear is motivating you, you're probably out of integrity. Clear that up and the "less than" will magically (yes, magically!) turn into a "more than" experience!

If you want a judgement-free space to sift through your thoughts and feelings coaching can be an efficient and effective method for helping you get powerful and creative leading to YOUR 'more than" experience. Call me for a complimentary 30-minute call to see how it works!

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Working as a Relationship and Intimacy Coach, I often encounter male clients who report concerns about not doing the “right things” to stimulate and arouse their partner during sex. On the flip side, I also hear from women sharing versions of “we pretty much do the same thing every time” or “I’m not really into it” or “I don’t get turned on like I used to”. These patterns have the ability to disconnect two people.

Since sex is often a touchy subject and in general, we are not in the practice of verbalizing our authentic sensual desires, I sense this challenge probably rings true for many couples at some point in their relationship. When this type of intimacy and communication start to break down, other aspects of the partnership may soon follow. However, sexual intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to wane as life gets more demanding. It can be easy to attribute the lack of energy or creativity to time constraints, kids, or exhaustion from work/life, etc. but the benefits of cultivating and maintaining a healthy sex life are too important to dismiss.

The 7-Step Sensual Sampler can help relieve some of the anxiety, frustration, or apathy in a relationship by reinstating fun, connection, and satisfaction. Imagine for a moment being curious about your lover’s turn-ons. What might it be like to have him/her lovingly explore your body? What would be possible if you were both in a playful, uninhibited state and were communicating exactly what you wanted to one another? Now imagine those same qualities of curiosity, loving exploration, playfulness, and clear communication carrying over into other aspects of your relationship. How could that strengthen the partnership?

Inspired by a Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, I recently created a the following intimate exercise to help both partners (re)discover what gets the motor running. I call it The Sensual Sampler. Think about it. When you’re uncertain what appetizer you want to eat, you order the sampler platter so you can explore and enjoy different flavors, textures, and so on. Maybe you really like some while other items on the plate don’t do it for you. Do you ever find you’re fond of something you hadn’t tried before? Well this pleasure play exercise is just like that!

The Sensual Sampler works like this:

Step 1. Choose a time that works for both of you to just PLAY. You may have to schedule this and plan ahead if you’re very busy. Anticipation can be exciting!

Step 2. Begin playtime agreeing to just “see what feels good”. No expectations. No judgments or criticisms. No need to be serious. Really let your hair down.

Step 3. Decide who samples whom first. One of you gets to relax, breathe and feel. The other samples an area on your body no bigger than the space his/her hand (with fingers spread wide) covers.

Step 4. Kiss, lick, nibble, caress, massage, etc. that small area of your lover’s body while inviting them to respond.

Step 5. As the recipient of the sampling, share your experience with your partner. You might say things like: “good”, “not so good”, “harder”, “softer”, “more of that”, “move on”, etc. Essentially, you want to let them know what you like, what you don’t care for, and to what degree (really turns you on, feels okay, uncomfortable, etc.).

Step 7. Switch. Of course if you’re both so turned on and connected that the desire for passionate lovemaking is too much to ignore – go for it! Keep the fire stoked by carrying over the stimulating and arousing pleasure play techniques into intercourse.

You can always repeat steps 1-7 with the other partner sampling another time.

Based on my experience as well as the feedback I receive, if a couple is able to communicate openly in bed, they are more apt to speak freely and lovingly elsewhere. The bonus here is you may encounter areas of your body that you did not know were pleasurable. More pleasure equals more ease. One thing’s for sure: this fun little exercise will shake up the routine. Plus, letting your hair down, communicating what feels good, and inviting your partner to playfully explore with you can really increase intimacy in a relationship. You never know, you just might learn something about your lover you have yet to discover.

Enjoy!

And if you'd like a COMPLIMENTARY personalized "Intimacy Evaluation" contact me today!

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Just as a body or a business needs attention to be healthy, so does a relationship.

The damage begins when one 'believes' that they cannot have it all. This notion that we have to sacrifice one to build the other is bullshit. It's an EXCLUSION mind-set. (I don't know why we all buy into the exclusion mind-set -- is it because it gives us a handy little excuse to not show up? Or because it serves as the ever present 'out' when we don't want to take responsibility for what we've created?)

I prefer an INCLUSION mind-set. I choose to believe that I/WE CAN HAVE IT ALL...NOW.

Call me crazy. But it's this belief and way of being that has miracles occur. (That's a good thing.) On the practical side, 'to have it all' requires consciously created systems and structures to be in place. The key words being 'consciously created' -- because whether we're aware of them or not, our entire lives are framed by systems and structures. Albeit, mostly the unconsciously created type (or those others have chosen for us).

So yes, INCLUSION requires consciousness (aka waking the fuck up). It includes (hehe) a higher level of self awareness and the ability to distinguish between one's individually chosen beliefs and that of the pre-programmed collective cop-out. That is, what's being sold to us by others.

I want no part in a reality that is fundamentally EXCLUSIVE, where the cornerstone belief states that one must sacrifice a part of themselves or their life to fully experience another.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Colette Davenport

Colette is an international speaker and coach + master empath who helps sensitive souls get their magic back. Her new book, Get Your Magic Back: Emotional Mastery for Empaths, teaches her signature 4-step process for ending anxiety, depression, and addiction.