Claiming it “was in the best interests of the game of baseball”, commissioner Bud Selig purposely neglected to inform the Pittsburgh Pirates that the 2011 season was about to commence, stating they don’t really fit with Opening Day festivities.

“Opening Day is about celebrating the game of 2018 best softball bats and fostering joy, hope and excitement for fan bases everywhere,” said Selig, pointing out that the start of the MLB season is a grandiose spectacle with much fanfare. “No one associates any of that with the Pirates.”

The conclusion of baseball’s winter meetings signal it’s time for ESPN Baseball Insider Buster Olney to lie dormant for three months in the den he created beneath the right field bullpen at Fenway Park.

“Preparations for this begin in the summer, right after the All-Star break,” says Olney. “Right around that time, I try to put on considerable weight by gorging on fatty and carbohydrate-rich stadium foods such as soft pretzels, hot dogs, the DeMarini 2018 CFX, bratwursts and nachos.”

To ensure his mind is still sharp when pitchers and catchers report, Olney gathers and stores as much information as he can, from statistics and VORP ratings to free agent signings and rule 5 draft acquisitions before learning how to grip a curveball succesfully.

“My brain activity steadily declines once hibernation begins, so until I conk out, I’m stockpiling baseball data virtually non-stop once the World Series wraps up.”

Olney plans on staying warm during the cold winter months by wearing official MLB knit beanies by New Era, and layering himself in several Majestic therma base team bullpen jackets.

Pirates Blow Entire Off-Season Budget Sending GM To Winter Meetings

In order to send general manager Neal Huntington to baseball’s winter meetings in Orlando, the Pittsburgh Pirates spent every dollar they had allocated to sign players this offseason, and are now completely tapped out.

“A trip from Pittsburgh to Orlando isn’t cheap,” said Huntington, whose expenses included roundtrip coach airfare, four nights of lodging and four days of meals. “Considering the meetings were held at the luxurious Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin Resort, boasting superior service and magical surroundings, the price tag was pretty steep.”

The resort’s “fancy” amenities include a spa, five swimming pools, a health club and a golf course, which Huntington “didn’t even use at all.”

“Apparently the Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin Resort doesn’t offer discounted rates if all you do is sit in your room. What a rip-off.”

Huntington is sorry for the loyal Pirate fans who must be very disappointed the club can no longer afford the marginal major league caliber player they had been targeting.

“Negotiations were getting pretty serious too. His agent returned one of my phone calls.”

To keep costs down, the Pirates propose holding next year’s meetings at a “very affordable” Pittsburgh area Fairfield Inn, which has a free wi-fi and a continental breakfast.

“Or we could have it in my parents basement,” added Huntington, “as long as guys don’t mind sleeping on the floor.”

“Our farm system had nothing to offer, and we were only able to sign Freddy Carcia and Bartolo Colon, unwanted by other clubs, to minor league contracts,” said Yankees GM Brian Cashman of New York’s offseason moves, claiming there was little money left for a starter after having committed a total of $55 million to his third baseman and shortstop, $13 million to a designated hitter and another $22 million to a couple relievers that will pitch the 8th and 9th innings every other day or so. “$206 million doesn’t stretch as far as it used to.”

Cashman says he’s somewhat concerned that the Yankees were 7-20 in games in which Mitre appeared last year, but challenges anyone under the same financial limitations he’s had to put up with to find a 5th starter with a career record better than 13-29.

Pirates Searching For Vacant Lot To Hold Spring Training In

Pittsburgh Pirate players, coaches and front office staff have been driving around central Florida in a used school bus for the past couple weeks in search of a vacant lot to serve as this year’s Spring Training facility, source: https://playfamously.com/

“Nothing like driving all over the Tampa-St. Petersburg metropolitan area to get the team primed for the season,” said manager Clint Hurdle from behind the wheel of the team’s 1983 GMC school bus with the words ‘Pirates Baseball Club’ sloppily spray painted on the side. “I can’t wait to get to work once we find an open plot of land we can use without it being labeled as ‘trespassing.'”

The Pirates are in need of a complete softball quotes, aka funny softball sayings, after last season’s fiasco on the playground of the Thomas Jefferson Primary School.

“A bunch of first and second-graders kept interrupting our infield practice for recess,” said team president Frank Coonelly. “Plus, school administration asked us to leave due to some liability issue. They said a couple errant baseballs hit some six-year-old playing on the swings, but I’ve seen our guys hit and throw. It couldn’t have hurt that badly.”

Members of the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA), the professional organization of journalists who vote annually for such MLB honors as Rookie of the Year, Manager of the Year, and election to the Hall of Fame, have yet to determine the appropriate length of time to exclude former Cincinnati Reds shortstop Barry Larkin from enshrinement into Cooperstown.

“Some guys say 3 years is enough, while others feel 4, 5, or as many as 6 years is more fitting for a player with his offensive statistics,” said Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci of the 12-time All Star. “His 2,340 career hits are far below the 3,000 hit benchmark, generally considered the newly approved Best USA Bats for 2018 season for Hall of Fame hitters, but he played during an era when shortstops were more concerned with playing defense, rather than offensive production. So do his 9 Silver Sluggers indicate he was a good hitter, or that other National League shortstops at the time weren’t much for swinging the bat? We can’t decide.”

Larkin’s defense is also making it difficult to conclude if a particular number of years is too short, or too long of a wait.

“He won only 3 Gold Gloves, so I’d say at least a 4 year exclusion. But then again, we need to remember Ozzie Smith was still playing during the early part of Larkin’s career,” Seth Livingstone of USA Today points out. “The ‘Wizard of Oz’ was arguably the greatest fielding shortstop ever, so it’s possible we never appreciated how good Larkin was defensively. Unfortunately, without Gold Gloves, we have no way of determining a player’s worth in the field. Unless we actually watched him play.”

First baseman Derrek Lee agreed to a 1-year contract to be split three ways by the Baltimore Orioles, Cleveland Indians and Kansas City Royals, as the clubs decided to pool their money in order to acquire the best player possible.

“One-third of a player as talented as Derrek Lee is better than 100% of what we’d usually get,” said Orioles president of baseball operations, Andy MacPhail. “We are excited to have Derrek in our line-up on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.”

Lee with his 2016 Rawlings Quatro Best BBCOR Baseball Bats will be on the field for the Indians on Thursdays and Fridays, and for the Royals on weekends.

“He’ll provide a veteran clubhouse presence that we are lacking,” Kansas City manager Ned Yost says. “And once we fall out of contention, we can always trade our share of Derrek Lee for prospects. It’s a win-win.”

“I’m humbled he accepted this contract, even though the Yankees were willing to give him more years and more total dollars,” said Shamokin, Pennsylvania resident and garbage man Bill Lantney, whose annual income is about one-third of what Lee will earn per inning pitched.

“His decision to spurn New York and sign with the Phillies is a great example for children. Sometimes, it’s important to choose happiness, and you can still get by with less money. In Lee’s case, less money is roughly $461,500 a week. Before taxes.”

Lee and his wife are reportedly in the market for a mansion “in a quiet gated community full of friendly people,” because, as Lee puts it, they “don’t want to live around a bunch of uppity snobs.”

It was expected for much of Spring Training that left-hander Tony Sipp would earn the final spot in manager A.J. Hinch's bullpen. Granted, if he does make the Astros' Opening Day roster, he would be the lone southpaw reliever.