Hurricane Donald

September 15, 2018

I’m always on duty so I can squeeze tweets that give you the most important opinion in the world. Right now as Hurricane Florence batters the Carolinas you need to know I “got A pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida” and should have gotten the same in Puerto Rico but the island was inaccessible and had “very poor electricity and a totally incompetent Mayor of San Juan.”

When I went down there and threw paper towels to grateful Puerto Ricans they told me at most eighteen people had died. But, in the following months, I started to hear rising death totals that eventually reached three thousand. Turns out my enemies were adding those who died for any reason, like old age, murder, and alcoholism. Everyone should instead be talking about billions of dollars I’ve raised for rebuilding the island and making sure everyone has electricity.

I’m ready to battle Hurricane Florence and save the Carolinas, too, and am positive no one will ever accuse me of not doing enough. I’ve got the National Guard ready to move in along with all the local police and firefighters and politicians. Once the wind stops blowing, I’ll be down there, too, making sure everyone’s all right and understands who made sure fatalities were limited. Don’t blame me for buildings being damaged or destroyed. Even I can’t prevent that.