Thursday, December 6, 2012

Holiday Shopping: Don't Spondee It All In One Place

Do you ever wake up so freaking happy you want to steal a streetsweeper and go joyriding on the Long Island Expressway? If you do, does that mean you should cut down on coffee? And let's just say you've already cut out coffee and replaced it with vodka but you're still deliriously, irrepressibly, and even violently happy every morning? Should you go see a doctor, or should you just "run with it" because it means your life is finally working out?

Just asking for a friend whose name is me. Also, what exit for Roosevelt Field Mall? I have some holiday shopping to do and figured I'd knock it out while I've still got some time left on this giant Zipcar:

Lately I've been fed up with professional cycling, but I'm beginning to realize that the problem lies with me, because I've been viewing it as a sport and not as what it really is, which is essentially long periods of clerical work interspersed by pointless bursts of bike riding. They might as well just get rid of the bikes at this point and turn the whole thing over to the lawyers and acronymous organizations. Hopefully by next year the Tour de France will just be a bunch of people sitting around a conference table for three weeks--at least that way it's less likely someone will fall into a barbed wire fence:

(The suits "hammer it out" during the Queen Stage of the 2013 Tour de France.)

And with any luck, justice will be served and Armstrong will lose that medal, because he's a disgrace to the clean athletes with whom he shared that podium:

Then they can give the bronze to the fourth place finisher, Abraham Olano:

(ONCE's team slogan was actually "We are drugs.")

Abraham Olano was the "courtesy vehicle" Spain gave its cycling fans after Miguel Indurain broke down.

Also, it's worth noting that I recently received an email containing this documentary trailer:

Sure he's lost seven Tourses de Frances and millions of dollars in sponsorships, but after years of having to ride Treks he can finally buy a Moots and become the gigantic Fred he's always wanted to be. I'm sure those Exquisite Welds™ make it all seem worth it.

Anyway, so, like, remember when I mentioned the holidays? Well it's the holidays:

I could watch that all day. Actually, someone really needs to make a holiday-themed adventure movie about Black Friday. Santa would drive a tank and kill everyone on the "naughty" list, and his Semitic doppelganger would burn enemy shoppers alive with his flame-throwing Menorah of Death.

Needless to say, if you haven't started your holiday shopping yet you need to GET OUT THERE NOW OR EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE GONE! And tops on my list for stuff to get for my cycling buddies that don't exist is a pair of Chari & Co. Genghis Khan Winter Gloves:

Yes, for only $95 you too can ride around looking like you're giving Bugs Bunny a prostate exam. Best of all, these gloves are vegan. That doesn't mean that they aren't made out of real animals, it just means that the rabbits subsisted on vegan diets before they were humanely (and anally) electrocuted

Or, if you prefer, you can always give the gift of charity by making a donation in somebody's name. So what's the hot new cause this year? AIDS? No, Bono cured that years ago. Sandy relief? Nah, I'm sure they fixed everything by now. Rabbit rescue? Nonsense, if the bunnies didn't want to be gloves they wouldn't be so warm and adorable.

Sure, anybody can make Rivendell-esque bikes, but it takes a true entrepreneur to make Rivendell-esque bikes and also come up with a name for the company that isn't Rivendell. See, that's where the $70,000 dollars comes in:

Help them help you buy a bike that is available already from any number of existing manufacturers--though this one's made in Portland:

Which, to be honest, is no longer a selling point for me. Frankly, I think it's time to boycott Portland, completely out of spite. Instead, let's all buy stuff from Cleveland for awhile. Granted, I have no idea if people in Cleveland actually make anything, or if they do whether it's even any good, but either way let's inflate their artisanal economy until it becomes a self-parody and someone makes a show called "Clevelandia," at which point we can abandon them too and pick some other city, or else go back to Portland if they've regained a sufficient degree of humility, which is pretty doubtful.

Clearly seconds, if not actual minutes, went in to the "curation" of this very special bicycle:

In addition to the meticulous handmade frame and custom titanium components of all Budnitz bikes (which normally start at around $2,600), this limited edition model sports an Uncrate matte orange paint job and is geared-up with a waterproof Turtleshell bluetooth boombox by Outdoor Technology, a custom 6-pack carrier hand-sewn in Colorado by Topo Designs (which just so happens to perfectly match our Topo x Uncrate Backpack), Brooks all-black grips and seat, and a titanium Budnitz Beer Wrench.

Boombox? Six-pack carrier? In other words, it's a designer version of the department store bike your neighborhood wino rides. Hopefully they left in the trademark creaking from which the Budnitz derives all its character.

Or, if you're just in the market for a stocking stuffer, why not get your all your friends some clipless pedals?

While you're out cleaning streets and drinking large quantities of vodka, you could just head west to Washington state, pick up your LEGAL bag of weed and bring it home to Mrs Wildcat, who may need it to see her through her long and lonely wait till your release.

Does the street sweeper actually pick anything up, seems more like it sends every particulate on the street flying into my wheels when it buzzes me :( Plus it has the sprayers on the sides giving you extra amazing Seattle days.

So, last time I fell over on my bike because of inability to get into or out of my clipless pedals, was, let me see, back in the early or mid 1990s. It happened the first week I bought my new Look pedals after using the traditional cleat/ clip/ strap triumvirate up until that point.

I'm starting to feel self conscious, like I'm doing something wrong. After all, if my seventh favorite semi-professional bike blogger is doing it, and a big portion of the commentariat are doing it, then I NEED to keep up with the cool kids. I'll also start clipping out on the ramp u-turn to the GWB and when going around the bridge towers.

Mikeweb: you're just not enough of a space-case. It happens to me about once a year. The last time, I had circled back by a pair of riders stopped on the side of the ride to make a repair. As I asked if they needed any help, I unclipped the right foot, except I was leaning left.

Our local video store has incrediblly hot women that work at it. It's like the diner on that episode of Seinfeld.

I rolled up there nice and slow and an old buddy of mine caught my eye leaving the parking lot and neglecting to unhook and fell over in front of all of them thanks to a huge plate glass window for their viewing pleasure.

I get a text 3 minutes later from him that said VERY SMOOOOTHHHH MCFLY, YOU GOT THEM RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT THEM.

Has Kickstarter changed its name to Kickstander? Anyway, why do you need $70k in kickstarter money to start a bespoke framery? I thought that the normal trajectory was for bespoke framers to build bikes for their friends and hope to build up a reputation so that somebody may someday decide that you are good enough to justify purchasing that which you have given your friends for free.

Hey McFly did your local video store have the little special room off to the side? I always liked to make my selection of the evenings entertainment from there and then hand it off to the cutest hottie working the checkout.

RCT - Ok, I have to fess up... Back in the day when I rode through Edmonton winters (same latitude, same when hell freezes over cold weather) I had a real pair of fur gauntlet mittens which I LOVED! Never had cold fingers once, not even at -40c (which is -40f)

babble... gloves just aren't really appreciated unless you manually bash-in the brains of the animal they came from. Non-Canadians just don't get this.

Similarly, it's just not in the spirit of Christmas down South, unless you've dislodged a few teeth and thrown a hard elbow for that gift Dustbuster. I'm sure this is exactly what Jebus and the Great Lob had in mind.

You have a lame accident on your bike, and you begin to moan like the insufferable hipster pussy that you are over a very, very minor fall from a distance of around 2.5 feet.

You are the only one around to witness this, save for your own camera that you've mounted to your own head or helmint.

Do you:

-stop your lame whining and realize you are not actually hurt and laugh it off and go on your way

or,-continue to moan and whine like a giant labia and tinker with your bike for some inexplicable reason (probably because you don't really know what that dangly thing by your rear wheel is) and then go home to post your video on HipsterTubes so that everyone can witness your EPIC bike riding adventure.

The choices seems obvious. What then, is wrong with these people that feel compelled to film anything and everything?

Tiny, affordable, portable cameras are the worst invention ever. Well, great for making home made porn, but otherwise a tool for just the worst kind of people.

"Falling" is an appropriate verb whether you are pushed into or direct yourself into a fence.

"Fall" does not suggest fault.

In terms of the injury derived from contacting barbed wire, it does not matter if the videographer's car pushes one or a depressed squirrel shuffles off this mortal coil, and across one's path, forcing one fenceward.

In terms of grammar, starting a critique with "uh," suggests one breathes through one's mouth and should be avoided.

In terms of advice, if "people call, say Beware doll, you're bound to fall," do not assume "they were all just kidding you."

"Flame-throwing Menorah of Death" since when does the Israeli military ever get close enough to an enemy to use a flame thrower? On the news they're always raining death from above, like to that guy in the car a few weeks ago in Gaza. Just like the Americans except the Jews have video in color in hi-death, while the US has this grainy black & white film noir retro film festival look.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!