Off Topic (lots of topics) - "Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend."

Previous 573 questions:

Modern Life (63 stories) - "The modern vagina is a many splendored thing. I don't miss 80s growlers. I knew a girl who was so hirsute it looked like she had the drummer from The …" - says Tugnut

Street Life (59 stories) - "I'd bought a Ford Escort van off ebay for 21 quid because the seller couldn't spell "Escort" and had listed it under antiques. I took this mighty char…" - says Grrrmachine

That One Mate (56 stories) - "Oh Johnny, where art thou? I'm fairly sure Johnny only came to Portsmouth University because he got lost on his way home from his A-level exams. Stumb…" - says Grrrmachine

Funny Stories (86 stories) - "I farted once Usually that's not much of a claim; everyone lets slip a sharp little gust from their arsehole on a daily basis, but this one, this fart…" - says Grrrmachine

Not Getting the Job (65 stories) - "Made my self look like a fascist... Being a hippy greeny type in my youth, I did loads of volunteer work, which included several months working with t…" - says Rev. Jayneflakes

Films Recommendations (168 stories) - "Since arriving on your planet the best 10 films I have seen are:
The King of Comedy
I really identify with Rupert Pupkin, a tragic 'fish out of w…" - says Dr Skagra

The B3ta UK Manifesto (61 stories) - "THE INYOURENDO PARTY ALL-INCLUSIVE MANIFESTO: WITH THIS, OUR EYEBROW-RAISING COMPREHENSIVE MANIFESTO WILL ENSURE THAT WE GO DOWN IN THE ANALS OF HISTO…" - says Eukanuba

Shit Bosses (56 stories) - "My dad's old boss got taken to court for sexual discrimination after asking his secretary to mark on the calendar the days when she would be on her pe…" - says DumbMonkey

Changing Your Mind (34 stories) - "Swords to ploughshares and back again. Not me, but my great grandad.
He was an ardent Marxist-socialist in the runup to the second world war. He vi…" - says chutneyweasel

Sexual Disasters (63 stories) - "Virgin sexxx When I was but a young lad my first serious girlfriend and I decided one summer's day that we should both lose our virginity by doing the…" - says fergus the bogeyman

Housemates From Hell III (64 stories) - "Cosplay House During my final year of university I moved into a new house after a strained situation at the last place I was staying (never date a hou…" - says Ms Shenanigans

Things you can't unsee... (126 stories) - "Reverse swimming pool prank A couple of years ago, my significant other, our son and I were at the seaside. My dear half noticed a chap allowing his d…" - says Chickenwire

More Fire! (85 stories) - "Flaming Snowman Back in high school, a few of us were sitting around trying to think up oxymorons. One guy suggested "flaming snowman," and in a momen…" - says racetraitor

Moving home (64 stories) - "Not mine, but the removers we used When I was a nipper in 1972, we moved from NI (norn arlan) to 'the mainland'.
We got on well with the movers, pa…" - says jerrykew

Office Christmas Parties II (44 stories) - "Long Time Stain Some time around 1998 I went out way too hard at the Christmas Eve lunchtime office drinks and ended up in foetal position, around 2:3…" - says Ken Oath

Homemade Booze (94 stories) - "Warm the damn jar! I did a bit of brewing as a grad' student and generally it went well. After a while, we decided to branch out from beer to some mo…" - says Ugi

More Terrible Hotels (92 stories) - "More terrifying than terrible. This is an absolutely true story. Half a lifetime ago I stayed with my wife at a family run hotel at Olivet near Orlean…" - says notoolsovernight

More nice things (42 stories) - "San Francisco Ten years ago, I was pretty much at rock bottom.
My attempts at going for it by ditching my 9 to 5 job in IT and becoming an internat…" - says djlumpyrulesok

Weddings Part II (148 stories) - "Just remembered The only time I've been moved to tears by a bridal procession. I attended a wedding where all the bridesmaids were wearing backless dr…" - says browser

Control Freaks (59 stories) - "I went on a date with a guy and quite enjoyed it, plus he really fancied me and wanted to see me again, so I sent two short, friendly texts the follow…" - says Second Best Porcupine

Silly Achievements (121 stories) - "HP sauce In t'olden days when I wor a lad, the label on HP sauce bottles had a description of the contents written both in English and French. The Fr…" - says mallyjoe

Fears and Phobias (198 stories) - "Polish men's urine. Worked in a factory. With a Polish guy. Got invited to go to [insert name]ski's place for Friday drinks and then the pub. Warned o…" - says spl00sh!

Dates Gone Wrong (101 stories) - "Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong Let me take you back through the mists of time to 1992. I was still living in Essex, as someone had to do,…" - says kasterborous

Misheard and Misunderstood (112 stories) - "Party time I was horribly shy as a young teenager, particularly around girls. I must have been about 14 or 15 when I was in the hairdresser's, having …" - says Smale

What Makes You Cry? (187 stories) - "My first encounter with chillies Ma0sm's Gaylord curry house story reminded me of my very first encounter with chillies. This took place in the strang…" - says moon monkey

Against Your Will (64 stories) - "Not long out of uni and off with my boyfriend on out first holiday together.. We were more culturally inclined than sunworshippers, and poor with it, …" - says Ms Shenanigans

Bad Ideas (114 stories) - "WHAT?! When I was a teen, there was a small newsagents that all us kids used to frequent, for sweets, football stickers and daring each other to shopl…" - says jrd

Public Nudity (84 stories) - "I had a vasectomy a couple of months ago. They gave me something called a "modesty blanket", as there was obviously the doctor but also a couple of nu…" - says browser

Anything For Money (67 stories) - "Meditation CDs I went through a phase of trying money-making schemes, and the least successful was my meditation/relaxation CDs. I found some whale no…" - says browser

Corruption (65 stories) - "Pointless "Fairholme" post. There's this website, right? And this website has a thread that is solely dedicated to people going there to tell their st…" - says snigglywiggly

False Economies (125 stories) - "We have two horses and recently paid the GDP of a small country to have one of them covered (shagged, in other words) by a certified stallion. Clearly…" - says katie hopkins

Heckles II (146 stories) - "Show us your pianist Rather like the Chubby Brown tale from earlier...
In the late 70s, while at college, I worked part-time as a drinks waiter in …" - says zebideedoodah

Fantasists (140 stories) - "Even cyborgs have off days I had a friend at school who was obsessed with Terminator 2. Or any military-based fantastical hero – he’d adopt the qualit…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Sacked II (102 stories) - "Worked as a temp for a law firm. It was in some converted loft in Lahndan and had its own fitted kitchen with coffee machine and American-style giant …" - says Ghetto Yeti

Not having sex (81 stories) - "One way to guarantee not having any sex... is to take your intended to a cheap hotel miles away in the middle of Germany. I won't bore you with the de…" - says browser

UFOs and close encounters (96 stories) - "Whoop My memories of this episode are pretty patchy as I can’t have been more than four or five when it happened, but as a generous surprise to my par…" - says Ghetto Yeti

Brits Abroad (117 stories) - "Crete Some idiotic friend of mine thought three of us would have fun if we spent a week in Malia. Naturally we didn’t – a good omen of what to come wa…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Hidden talents (84 stories) - "I can cum over my own head as my mum found out when she brought me a cup of tea while I was in bed. I finished shooting yoghurt, shouted at her to fuc…" - says SlantedScience

Drunk Shopping (133 stories) - "The evils of gastropubs At the end of the road on which I used to live there was a traditional pub. It wasn’t the most earth-shatteringly amazing pub …" - says Ghetto Yeti

Trapped! (196 stories) - "Escape was physically easy; socially impossible Our family got together at my parents' house for Easter. In the afternoon we played a game of hide and…" - says teedyay

Black sheep of the family II (133 stories) - "Cotton Picking Story. Not about sheep but agricultural non the less.
My ancestors were split in the early 19th century when around half of them emigr…" - says edjogs

Dodgy boozers (132 stories) - "Middlesbrough. I was a white van man. Worse, I was a white van man’s assistant. We trawled the charity shops of the north east buying up their ‘discon…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Stags and Hens (149 stories) - "I didn't have enough friends to do a stag So I drank half a bottle of domestic sherry and watched whatever crap was on television.
Then I drew a face…" - says the other guy

Little Moments of Joy (169 stories) - "L'esprit de dix ans When I was ten the Lotus Elan was brand new. "It's front wheel drive," the car bores of the day said. "It's a disgrace." "It le…" - says pineapplecharm

Bad Smells (145 stories) - "you know that thing where you can stand the smell of your own guffs, but not other peoples'? So you can drop the most rancid guinness fart in the worl…" - says mictoboy

I spied on someone... (81 stories) - "When my ex-girlfriend was 18, she went on a holiday to Majorca with her boyfriend at the time. The couple staying in the apartment next door to theirs…" - says cs1ca

Bizarre leaps of logic (98 stories) - "paedophile camera Was stood on a street corner in Nottingham with a sound level meter on a tripod doing a noise survey. An interested passer by shoute…" - says BoyHoover

Celebrity Encounters III (297 stories) - "Attenborough When I was little I wrote a piece of fan mail to David Attenborough, saying how I wanted to be just like him and also providing a shit-qu…" - says dancebiscuits

Self-Inflicted injuries (156 stories) - "Mom had a twisted sense of humor My friend T and I spent a year living with my parents and working in a sheet metal shop to save up some money before …" - says Wahoo

Lego (170 stories) - "My dad recently sold his house and before he handed the keys over he asked me to clear all of my junk out of the loft.
There was a lot of it; dozens …" - says Paolo Nutini's Bikini

Bad Dates (131 stories) - "She'll do During a dry spell, my mate Malcy the Alcy (this was the 90's, way before anyone could even spell nominative determinism) rang me. He had re…" - says I have run out of coke

Irrational people (135 stories) - "oh yes of course - religion! Definitely irrational... A rambling story of my descent into and eventual escape from religious fundamentalism I used to …" - says dorje

Why I Love/Hate Britain (147 stories) - "Confessions of a Pathetic Anglophile. Here's the thing, I was born in South Africa. My ancestors are from all over north-western Europe, with a slight…" - says Ladyfingers

Pure Fury (151 stories) - "You never forget the first time
I once had a girlfriend, a girl who has appeared in these annals under the monicker "Batshit Mentalist" on many occa…" - says moon monkey

Twat Friends (105 stories) - "I had a friend called Gordon. One morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just shagged one of the student nurses next door.
'I've just shagged one …" - says Dr. Shambolic

Break-up Stories (132 stories) - "Pride and Plastering I met a very nice girl once, well she seemed that way. She had a cute smile, a flippy fringe, nice legs and a charming ground-fl…" - says pineapplecharm

Not-stalgia (179 stories) - "Never Go Back Revisiting old TV programs, computer games and other pastimes of our youth can be a fun but frivolous waste of adult time. With the adve…" - says Albert Marshmallow

Lead Balloon (113 stories) - "Perverted Pantsdown. Not me. A bloke I went to uni with called Chris.
2nd Year, so most of us in the course knew each other well enough to have had…" - says s0ckpuppet

Unreasonable Cruelty (109 stories) - "I may have mentioned before that I do occassional security work. This is generally quite tedious, until summer arrives, at which point in time it bec…" - says Muns

Body Horror (108 stories) - "Kippers Vindaloo After a round of watching Red Dwarf while drunk, a mate and I decided to try all the joke recipes mentioned. The Triple-Decker Fried …" - says moon monkey

Lucky Escapes (132 stories) - "Suburban spelunky As the eldest and best child, I had the attic room at my parents' place. It had big velux windows that offered a splendid view over …" - says SimianKid

Social Media Meltdowns (80 stories) - "Your Typical Internet Showdown So a few years back I got into it with some jerk on Facebook. Puffed up little hard-man type, thought he was a player …" - says Frank Snow

School Assemblies (128 stories) - "The overhead projector The overhead projector played a key role in school assemblies. Nothing to do with retail accounting, the overhead projector, or…" - says browser

Spoilers (191 stories) - "On the subject of my work Probably the best spoiler I ever witness was for the benefit of a young 12yr old Ian (not real name). A young messer commit…" - says dazbrilliantwhites

Kids say the shittiest things (160 stories) - "They MUST know what they’re doing…
My young kids love animals, so a few months ago the present Mrs PF and I finally caved in to their pleas and b…" - says Pooflake

The Emergency Services (141 stories) - "My dad was a healthcare professional for over thirty years. He had saved numerous lives, and would always answer the call of duty no matter what time…" - says Muns

My Saviour (215 stories) - "This was about ten years ago now I had gone down to the Reading festival - it was generally a fantastic time, and I don't want to do the event a disse…" - says Lightguy

Midlife Crisis (156 stories) - "I've got a theory... ... that my generation (early forties) and younger won't have mid life crises like they used to be. Here's why:
In the olden d…" - says SonofRojBlake

Controversial Beliefs (221 stories) - "Only asylum seekers should get benefit money People born in the UK have won life's lottery. Just being mediocre, getting up in the morning and going t…" - says Brigadier

Travel (128 stories) - "Watch who you cross the border with In 2002 I found myself living in a backpacker hostel in the tiny kingdom of Swaziland with a mad rasta. Let's cal…" - says pineapplecharm

Where Did It All Go Wrong? (132 stories) - "I sent a cv for a job last week. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written "I once fucked a puppy" until I coul…" - says cumquat may

LOL Bigots (182 stories) - "My eldest son Dan is a shy lad... ...very smart and studious and might be considered by some to be "a nerd". But he's a nice boy - friendly and wouldn…" - says Clonk

The Naughty Step (104 stories) - "The naughty step indeed I was visiting my old mate Des one Saturday afternoon when all hell broke loose at a house diagonally opposite.
Des said …" - says Redemption

More Pet Stories (181 stories) - "Not all cats are cunts My mum grew up in a small cottage in the middle of a wood because my grandparents didn't have a pot to piss in. They kept pigs…" - says Draconacticus

Sorry (167 stories) - "While working for a while as the sales manager of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the UK (yes, this was a looong time ago), we were having a b…" - says blyerkit

Saying the Unsayable (99 stories) - "Beer soaked accidental trauma I've been a loyal wingman to Woody ever since the days of Sixth Form. At the time of this tale, Woody had been working …" - says Bicycle Repairman

Dumped (123 stories) - "What was I thinking. I was 13 years old. It was New Years Day. My folks always went to my Uncles for a party that evening. I loved these occasions, I …" - says spimf

Relief (138 stories) - "I recently got farmed out from my cosy den in the intensive care unit at the Local Hospital Where I Work to one of the medical wards as we were overst…" - says Amorous Badger

Overcoming adversity (117 stories) - " Goodbye arsehole. I have had crohn's disease for nigh on 7 years now and admittedly it hasn't killed me, but it fucked my life up that much that it m…" - says bumless

Made me laugh (176 stories) - "Who says the French aren't funny? When I was about 11 or 12, I went on holiday to France with my family. We were sitting outside a bistro, having our …" - says browser

No Self-Awareness (173 stories) - "This is well timed As my story only happened two months ago.
My cash had completely dried up, so six months prior I was forced to take a menial dat…" - says Frank Snow

Ignored Advice (102 stories) - "Not listening in school I was told to study. Advised to study. Forced to study, but I had no interest. School was a minor inconvenience that got in…" - says Bamboo Steamer

The best thing I've built (93 stories) - "These are the best things I've built
I built these two Daleks between 2005 and 2007. The black Dalek is all made of wood (various thicknesses of p…" - says drdavej

Driven to Madness (304 stories) - "people who discuss x-factor like it has any kind of value at all on any level whatsoever.
it's a bunch of mongs mong stood on stage pleading with t…" - says tjn

Shit Claims to Fame II (675 stories) - "OMD? OMG! The ‘Um Bongo’ Incident...
Too many short answers! Please allow me to balance it out with some longwinded wank.
I used to work fo…" - says Pooflake

B3TA Most Haunted (195 stories) - "Jim There was once this bloke in my local, used to come in three or four times a week, and sit by himself drinking. He was quite tall and thin with a …" - says Dr Skagra

Worst Person for the Job (160 stories) - "Mallow I used to work in a confectionary factory – to earn a bit of cash out of Uni. This place made lots of things, doughnuts, cake toppings Fudge (…" - says Dan dan dan

Ignorance (246 stories) - "Anybody that knows me knows that I have a thing about American tourists.... ....I have never, I repeat, NEVER, met an American tourist that I have lik…" - says INGSOC

The Wank Bank (114 stories) - "Such vivid memories 1. This one time I got bored of the Just Fucking White colour of my bedroom walls, so I fed my girlfriend nothing but beetroot for…" - says Ghetto Yeti

Foot in Mouth Syndrome II (148 stories) - "What not to say for a quiet life.... So, about 6 or 7 years ago now, I found myself working for a logistics company in their shiny new head office. It…" - says Ryushin

Home Science (125 stories) - "Putting the 'Ooooh' in 'Tenuous' It was a dark winter's evening a few years ago. Mrs Costas and I had just battled through the usual hour-long struggl…" - says costas

Cunning Plans (113 stories) - "When I was a child I found a lot of money lying around the house in a box at home. There was so much money there that I thought nobody would miss one …" - says bROKEN aRROW

The B3ta Cookbook (265 stories) - "FIRE IN THE HOLE! I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night, after having discussed my steak chorizo and lime chilli …" - says UppityDamnPrimate

Clubs, gangs, and societies (208 stories) - "My Beer Club. I run a Beer Club at my work (The Hop Hounds).
Each payday 50 of us deposit a small percent of our pay into a central account. We let…" - says Ken Oath

The Apocalypse (165 stories) - "Bushfire It’s long one....but worth telling.
My family lived in the bush, on a few cleared acres at the base of a mountain, surrounded by dense Eu…" - says Ken Oath

War (98 stories) - "Street violence & the world's worst have-a-go hero One night I was strolling home with a friend after a night out. Up ahead there was a couple having …" - says moon monkey

Down on the Farm (170 stories) - "Apaches is probably true. The fatality rate on farms is something like 8 deaths per 100,000 people per year - sounds low, but that's about one a week.…" - says gordonjcp

Sex Toys (142 stories) - "Manchester Twas in the late 1990’s,
I worked on Merseyside and my boss lived in Manchester but commuted daily.
A top bloke – who played hard a…" - says Pat mustard

Hoarding (140 stories) - "Stuff in the dark Like any right-thinking human, I fucking hate lofts.
Our loft is a terrible place. The house has been in my partner’s family for al…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Sporting Woe (211 stories) - "Sporting accidents and life lessons Regular readers will know that over the years I've charted the progress of my twin sons on here with stories of th…" - says chickenlady

Twattery (208 stories) - "To the rude and angry man at the M&S Cafe We had almost finished our luncheon, and were packing up, when you arrived, being angry and rude.
Eschewi…" - says Pope Shax XIII

Terrified! (157 stories) - "I was once walking home at night behind a woman She started walking faster in that "trying not to look like you're walking fast" way. I picked up my …" - says Ghoti Fingers

The Great Outdoors (139 stories) - "Bit of a pearoast, but people enjoyed it before... Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with ju…" - says Kushan

Lies that went on too long (183 stories) - "The twenty year lie Five of us shared a house in the last year of university, all blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a particularly good opportunity …" - says Smale

First World Problems (438 stories) - "Complaints about the NHS I have (until recently) gained useful employment as a manager within this island's great Health Service. I have recently left…" - says Undercovercarrot

Random Acts of Kindness (239 stories) - "Friendly London I think I might have posted this one before, but I'm not sure.
Many years ago I lived and worked in London.
One sunny day, I was…" - says ScousersPet

I should have been arrested (144 stories) - "My left foot…
I must have posted about this before…but I’m afraid I can’t be bothered to properly check. Either way, it applies for this week, s…" - says Pooflake

Books (431 stories) - "Not a recommendation of any book or author but from 1999 – 2001 I worked for Amazon. Each week we would have a meeting to review transcripts of custo…" - says Bollocks.

Heroes and villains of 2011 (144 stories) - "I’m afraid my hero of 2011 isn’t quite as noble as some of the ones I’ve read this week…
My hero of 2011 was just a child. An innocent littl…" - says Pooflake

Killed to DEATH (195 stories) - "Pigeon Torture One day I was driving home early from work, and I get a phone call. It was my wife.
She was absolutely distraught and was sobbing d…" - says Spaff_Quaffer

Weird Rituals (278 stories) - "I count out the rhythm of any sexual activity by resolving the dates of famous historical events into their prime factors. So the Battle of Hastings i…" - says Dr. Shambolic

Ask David Hasselhoff (329 stories) - "Have you watched the Pamela Anderson sex tapes? Did you feel guilty cracking one out over an ex colleague? Or does that make it better?" - says rob

Biggest Sexual Regret (192 stories) - "Twix of Doom (pearoast) Pearoast, but relevant. And I've still not eaten one since.
My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a ha…" - says nasalhair

Conspiracy Theories (328 stories) - "Badgers When I was wee, my family used to amuse ourselves in the interminable car journey down to Devon by counting the roadkill and guessing what it …" - says Queen of Cheesecake

Devastating Put-Downs (436 stories) - "Fucksakes! Where the FUCK did you get that haircut from? Those were the very words bawled across the print room floor by Ian Jackson* - a particularly…" - says claude balls

Amazing Projects (125 stories) - "Creation Of Significant Cultural Artefact A couple of years ago I got pissed and accidentally created a Facebook page entitled "Campaign to get Brain …" - says ruminator

Money-saving tips (417 stories) - "been doing stints as a volunteer advisor at the citizen's advice bureau on and off for a few months now. As part of the training in addition to dealin…" - says Clay

Tactless (281 stories) - "He just didn't have the stomach for it... I have advanced foot-in-mouth syndrome. I predict a few posts this week...
DaddyRakky was diagnosed with …" - says Rakky (forgot her password)

Racist grandparents (311 stories) - "My Grandad's not racist. He's just from a different era. A very, very racist era.
In all seriousness, I doubt he hates any member of another race. He…" - says universalpsykopath

The B3TA Detective Agency (261 stories) - "We created a mystery which the people involved may never solve Driving my cousin home late one Friday night after he had done some some plastering wor…" - says craigix

Iffy crushes (441 stories) - "There seems to be a drought of actual stories this week It's time to rectify that - so sit down, get yourself comfy, and let me tell you the tale of..…" - says Godwin's Lawyer

Crap Gadgets (251 stories) - "In retrospect the Windows 7 Party was a bad idea. Do you remember those daft adverts? Trying to sell the idea that ordinary people would actually get …" - says Frank Snow

Overheard secrets (156 stories) - "No-one gets away clean... Apologies the length of this story. In fact, apologies for the story full stop. It may not be, strictly speaking, an overhea…" - says Don Draper

Performance (161 stories) - "Attracting an Audience On a night out with a few work colleagues, I ended up a bit worse for wear quite early on in the evening. This resulted in me l…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Annoying Partners (220 stories) - "Nearly entirely irrelevant poo story Apologies for near-offtopicness, but it's a good 'un and I thought I ought to share the lurid details before they…" - says ousgg

Conspicuous Consumption (221 stories) - "A lost world I've always been a massive aeroplane nut. I grew up in Somerset, not far from near HMS Heron, the headquarters of naval aviation. The ann…" - says Scrumper

Losing it (304 stories) - "I was organising some kids games and needed a blindfold for one of them. I found a particularly wide tie, which would do the job.
But what do I look …" - says Zuowan

Dodgy work ethics (205 stories) - "Acorn Electron Madness Back in .. oooh 1983 if I remember, I had a saturday job working in W.H. Smiths in their shiney new computer department. Easy m…" - says RadG

Old stuff I still know (484 stories) - "Crescent wank I can still remember my first proper wank. I was about 10 years old and I'd found a photography magazine of my dads with a picture of a …" - says Lionel Tiger

Trolls (265 stories) - "Wardrobe trolls When I was about 8ish, my imagination fuelled by Point Horror tales, I used to terrify my little brother with stories about how the tr…" - says Milo Minderbinder

The Police II (248 stories) - "Plain Clothes Officer My uncle bikes to his station in his bike leathers each day and gets changed into uniform when he's there.
A few weeks ago h…" - says Sivvus

Winning (300 stories) - "Everyone's a winner It’ been some time since I wrote on here so hold tight, this is a long one……
This is a tale of ignorance, belligerence, and ach…" - says CaptainCuntyBollocks

World of Random (286 stories) - "TV Guide A random combination of programming and name-abbreviation which was bound to occur sooner or later:
It was, of course "The Hairy Biker…" - says moon monkey

Greed (224 stories) - "An Epic Battle When people mention great battles that have been fought through the history of time, there are a few that immediately spring to mind; D…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Creepy! (553 stories) - "not me, my dad back when i was a babe in arms my folks moved in to their first home. a decorating frenzy ensues and late one night my dad(19 at the ti…" - says studdley ruffrod

Nights Out Gone Wrong (219 stories) - "At the risk of blowing my cover My worst night out, and one that I don't think I'll ever live down, was my first night out at Uni.
1998. I was a fr…" - says twunt face

Awesome teachers (250 stories) - "Mrs Lewis, English. I always found English to be one of the more boring lessons; poetry-appreciation, Shakespeare and, worst of all, Jane fecking Aust…" - says R. Jimlad

Bodge Jobs (223 stories) - "Last year I wanted bigger and better fireworks for Guy Fawkes' - so I made this:
It's not the best photo, snapped with a cheap camera phone before…" - says Albert Marshmallow

Stupid Colleagues (314 stories) - "That Office Moron? I am He. From the dark dingy depths of IT support, a young wax chewer had moved into a new, shiny department. A high profile area…" - says IChewCandlewax

Drunk Parents (175 stories) - "A Grumpy Old Man, Wrong Numbers And A Very Social Daughter Last summer my Dad had been getting wrong number phone calls for about a week on his mobile…" - says Dervel

Wanking Disasters Part II (190 stories) - "You know that myth about Marlilyn Manson? So I'd been enjoying one of the few pleasures of puberty for a year or so now. Unfortunately, I didn't have …" - says 99pence

Little Victories (218 stories) - "A little victory for the Polo company. A while ago, the people who make Polo mints brought out a promotional product called "Polo Holes", the idea bei…" - says sunray18

I'm glad nobody saw me (182 stories) - "The French Connection…
This happened well over 10 years ago – and not even in this country, but I still think about it every now and again.
We w…" - says Pooflake

DIY Surgery (195 stories) - "Dam-Busters I may or may not have mentioned this before.
*hangs head in shame*
One night a few years ago year: Particularly bored and on a bit o…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Bullshit and Bullshitters (362 stories) - "North Korean MySpace Pretty sure this is a pearoast, but I can't remember for sure.
Basically, the story starts that I made a fake account on MySp…" - says racetraitor

House Guests (173 stories) - "An inadvertent golden shower Many moons ago I stopped off at a nightclub where I knew my friend, G, would be DJ'ing in the hope of blagging a lift hom…" - says Kovacs

Worst Band Ever (442 stories) - "When you watch this you will understand... Before you watch I must warn you that you will want to paper cut her eyes and force her to piss her own tee…" - says thePontificator

B3ta Person of the Year 2010 (219 stories) - "Julian Assange Vote for this and we won't switch it to some twat from Facebook at the last minute.
Although knowing B3ta I imagine Brian Blessed i…" - says rob

Unusual talents (344 stories) - "I'm going to shoehorn something I heard at work today into this qotw; I have a colleague who has a talent for getting the wrong end of the stick. (see…" - says browser

Protest! (211 stories) - "Chips. Chips.
I knew something was wrong the moment the metal hatch clattered ceilingward. Senga the dinner lady (for that may very well have been…" - says Timorous Beastie

Redundant technology (400 stories) - "Graphite.. I like drawing. A lot.
Funny thing is, I never actually realised how much until April earlier this year.
The wife bought me a dr…" - says danniekavanagh

Crappy relationships (285 stories) - "My made up relationship story is true On my first night at university I got drinking with a group of lads and, as 18 year old boys do, we all started …" - says Asser

Things to do before you die (359 stories) - "Well, since I am dying, This QOTW is sort of a QOML just lately. Yes, yes, we're all dying, and it's not like I'm going quickly but probably faster t…" - says dadadali

Waste of money (260 stories) - "Motorcycle insurance A bit of background: I have a motorcycle, it's shit. Good when it works but constantly falls apart/breaks/fucks up and I've spent…" - says MJPerry

What was I thinking? (278 stories) - "The Amazing Shitting Cardboard Box! I remember one time years ago, I was about 10 or 11 years old and a couple of my mates and I were just making our …" - says Helmut McBucket

Drugs (359 stories) - "pea, again, sorry Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs...
not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this...
"Want some of this coke b…" - says spimf

Complaining (353 stories) - "The tale of the cornflake Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a serial complainer\consumer terrorist.
She used to fire letters of complaint …" - says frightfullybored

The B3TA Confessional (283 stories) - "Baby monitors.. Ah. Well, it was like this you see... I lived in a little terraced house, in an area popular with young families. When the baby Ott…" - says Ott3r

Beautiful Moments, Part Two (289 stories) - "Chance meeting 24 years ago, I met a young lady, we started seeing each other and fell madly in love. We were together for three years, a real roller…" - says lardyboy

Ouch! (446 stories) - "Pissed up Mrs at my cousins wedding.... ...she was 2 and a half bottles of wine in after 3 hours. Just after the speeches I took her back to the hotel…" - says atdotslash

Guilty Laughs (326 stories) - "Mr Jingles I have one of those friends who posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all of *everything* that happens in her life. Recently, her stat…" - says R. Jimlad

"You're doing it wrong" (322 stories) - "Married women & saying the wrong thing. Not all married women, just the few that I have been involved with, each time it was a complete disaster. I do…" - says cname

Absolute Power (166 stories) - "This year was my first time teaching Year 1 For those who are not familiar with primary school year 1 are 5 year olds. This was their first year of fo…" - says Mrs Entity

Bizarre habits (530 stories) - "Weird things I say A few rhymes/sayings that I always recite and make sure I do so, without fail:
When my dog farts:
Naughty dog, smelly dog, go o…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Sticking it to The Man (240 stories) - "A ltter two teh ferrys As it's Fathers Day, I think I should treat you to the tale of when my dad finally swallowed his pride and asked me for help. T…" - says FoxyBadger

Bad Management (300 stories) - "Just to add a little balance.... A while ago I was working at an insurance company, a new girl had started and had been there a couple of weeks when t…" - says dchurch

Professions I Hate (544 stories) - "Duck (Scary) vs Builder vs Solicitor I had some building work done, but got ripped off horribly when the useless workshy cunt of a builder did a runne…" - says Scaryduck

Good Advice (707 stories) - "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…
NOTE: This started out as just a harmless (and brief) anecdote, explaining the wisdom of the title advice, …" - says Pooflake

Expensive Weekends (177 stories) - "Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs... not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this...
"Want some of this coke baby?"
"No I cant, …" - says spimf

Breasts (366 stories) - "Army Tits My favourite tit tale is when Sgt Major Wobbly-Gob came to attend a "Camouflage and Concealment" session to a group of new recruits. So, the…" - says Piper Alpha

My Arch-nemesis (183 stories) - "My train-nemesis(es), or how I became a public-transport vigilante. I used to have a fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work. This, in and of i…" - says Serotonicity

Cars (470 stories) - "My story... I was driving down the road the other day when I saw some guy standing on the corner around some kids, looking really shifty.
I noticed…" - says Donkey Gums

Best and worst TV ads (619 stories) - "my problem with advertising is fairly broad... Speaking as one who makes a living in this godawful trade, the real problem is around the media as a wh…" - says Chad

Amazing displays of ignorance (764 stories) - "It's probably more innocence than ignorance But when I was still at the age when I needed to be accompanied to public lavatories by my dad rather than…" - says Ungersven

The Soundtrack of your Life (408 stories) - "I don't even like the song It’s almost two years since our little boy was born and a happier, healthier little bundle of joy you couldn’t hope for. T…" - says Mork

Real-life slapstick (372 stories) - "Time for a pearoast
Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you'r…" - says kickstandrich

Rubbish Towns (569 stories) - "Kappa-Slappa Jailbait You couldn't even have a wank in this town without having some teenage girl battering down your front door, punch you in the fac…" - says SpankyHanky

Sexual fetishes (420 stories) - "This is going to make you vom into your own outstretched hands…
Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness…a de…" - says Mr Twisty Cheeky

Neighbours (312 stories) - "Blue Rinse Dragons Part II This will make more sense if you can be bothered with this Blue Rinse Dragons Part I
The wispy apparition of the Lingeri…" - says spimf

IT Support (408 stories) - "Testing! Testing! A few years back, we used to have an IT filter on our PCs at work. You'd try and look at anything inappropriate and get blocked.
…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit

Helicopter Parents (236 stories) - "New Girlfriend When I was 19, I started dating a girl named Rachel who I met down my local. We’d been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when I sense…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Call Centres (526 stories) - "Sometimes, it pays to listen. First of all, everything written below is true and is virtually word-for-word a transcript of the conversation. I have c…" - says Undercovercarrot

DIY Techno-hacks (272 stories) - "Wank alarm When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best ever project was to install Maplin type pressure pads around the house under the carpet, and…" - says I have run out of coke

School Projects (263 stories) - "Whoooooosh! At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days).
When I was young and in…" - says MademoiselleDave

Food sex (260 stories) - "Twix of Doom My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartme…" - says nasalhair

Mobile phone disasters (354 stories) - "A happy tale My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception.
There we were, blokes dr…" - says SpikeyPickle

The Dark (280 stories) - "We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be there looked at his …" - says Juan Quar

Banks (403 stories) - "Long story of stubborn coppery hell Years of collecting coppers in a big jar until it finally reached the top. Conscientious as I am, I separate all t…" - says NickTervous

Gyms (250 stories) - "The Breaking of Farting Strings. When I was in my mega fit phase a few years ago (sadly I am now a bit of a fatty) I would try to push my body quite f…" - says powervator

Tramps (341 stories) - "Manchester Hobo - a tale of homelessness and happiness. He was a lovely chap and I'll call him Fred.
I first met Fred when he was sleeping on the …" - says SpikeyPickle

Buses (376 stories) - "Revenge is a dish best served......eaten? Living in Non-UK European country and not having a driving license I get to travel the Pov wagon fairly ofte…" - says Bababoon

The Boss (311 stories) - "Crazy Steve There were 3 managers in a fast food place that I worked, two that loved their jobs and the other, Crazy Steve, who clearly didn't give a …" - says Regger

That's me on TV! (334 stories) - "Da-duh, da-duh, da-duh-la-da..... BONG! I haven't previously mentioned this on here (which is surprising - for some reason, I end up telling most pe…" - says TheMagicDwarf

Unexpected Nudity (420 stories) - "Why I can never go back to Sweden
I'm married to a Swede. The blond type, not the root vegetable kind (although tubers possible have a better sense …" - says voodo_kinky

Nightclubs (403 stories) - "Quim! There! I was once in one of Newcastle's classier* late night drinking establishments, of which there are many. It was a Wednesady night, which w…" - says Undercovercarrot

Unemployed (261 stories) - "DIRTY LAUNDRY Sometimes I manage to disgust myself. Was I really going to sink so low and put my plan in action?
Too fucking right I was.
And i…" - says SpankyHanky

Darwin Awards (418 stories) - "Flaming balls of shit! I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shor…" - says lustfish

Pubs (518 stories) - "I've probably told this one before but it's my favourite bar story Me and my friends (a bunch of crusty grebos to a man) decided that for a bit of fun…" - says emvee

School Days (747 stories) - "The Headmaster I'll get it off my chest nice and early. You know the kid in class who always turned up early to lessons, handed homework in on time an…" - says FoxyBadger

The Credit Crunch (366 stories) - "That's gotta hurt I recently realised that I can't really afford to spend the money I used to spend on going to see Southend play football, as I now l…" - says scarpe

Things we do to fit in (262 stories) - "The day I became A MAN !!!
Twenty - odd years later this is still excruciatingly embarrassing to recall.
And I still haven't, and probably never…" - says SpankyHanky

Workplace Boredom (408 stories) - "sad this is what me and the bloke beside me made to mark the border between his desk space and mine:
edit: I've realised that this photo doesn'…" - says yes yes yes man

Cougars and Sugar Daddies (405 stories) - "Getting a Marshmallow into a Piggybank. She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque angled features and a body not ruined by giving birth to her son, my…" - says trumplefahrt

Cringe! (783 stories) - "Licky licky About 10 years ago, I was at the dentists. I was laying there in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of t…" - says mugwump

Stuff I've found (683 stories) - "we found a troll. A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later wh…" - says drshipman

Eccentrics (417 stories) - "Was it him or was it me? I'm still not quite sure who was the nuttier person in this situation, you decide.
Wiggly lines to simulate going back in…" - says Woofie

Tightwads (517 stories) - "My Bloody (Cheap) Valentine It was February 2006. I had been with my girlfriend for nearly four years. She was from Archangel in Northern Russia. She …" - says Boss Keloid

Spoilt Brats (429 stories) - "Some years ago I had about 10 months of unemployment, back in the days of REAL recession, not this namby-pamby bankers-running out-of-cash-because-the…" - says Captain Placid

My sex misconceptions (469 stories) - "Three's a crowd My sex misconception was that having my first threesome would be a good idea.
It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best mates, l…" - says chart cat

Food sabotage (493 stories) - "Booze (or not) Working in a pub you meet lots of nice people, unfortunately you also have to suffer more than your fair share of cockends.
Now, I h…" - says monkeyboyalpha

Social Networking Gaffes (340 stories) - "Trannybo I am more of the email generation and wasn’t really down with the Facebook and Bebo thing until my mates pestered me to join Bebo.
So I j…" - says powervator

Customers from Hell (721 stories) - "Not a customer from hell... ...but I worked for a greedy company from hell. An insurance/pensions company I won't name.
Due to stock market shittin…" - says The Helpful Bear

Will you go out with me? (415 stories) - "My Childhood Sweetheart She had large brown eyes and long wavy hair worn in plaits tied with navy blue ribbons.
When she smiled the room lit up an…" - says Stiff Richard

Blood (490 stories) - "My balls came off! My friend, lets call him Mike, for that is blah blah. His girlfriend Jane tells this story quite nicely. I shall recall.
Mike li…" - says I have run out of coke

Get Rich Quick (320 stories) - "Easy money? There is a simple formula, which goes thus:
1) Convince yourself that it's your right to be famous, by doing absolutely fuck all to des…" - says Davros' Granddad

Pointless Experiments (667 stories) - "The Tena for Women Assesment Test - (TWAT for short) Whilst having a conversation with one of my friends whilst 'slightly' inebriated, we were interu…" - says Spangulum

Best Films Ever (741 stories) - "Dave & I It was just a simple drinking game to go with watching an old favourite: Withnail & I. Keep up with Withnail, in essence, the bare essentials…" - says sorry.

Faking it (350 stories) - "I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think) A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The s…" - says PhillieJoe

Tales of the Unexplained (611 stories) - "The landlord and his dog I once knew a chap called Jim. Jim was a landlord who ran a small village pub with his wife Betty. They were a wonderful coup…" - says chart cat

Accidental innuendo (1062 stories) - "Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old Unfortunately the teacher was me.
A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the leas…" - says knackerz

Your first cigarette (502 stories) - "Ending The Smoking Debate If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do…" - says Orin

How nerdy are you? (765 stories) - "Time To Grow Up And Get Married I could bore you all with thrilling tails of BBC Micro programming, mobile phone USSD commands, obscure Mornington Cre…" - says terryeden

Karma (370 stories) - "greed One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter.
I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when…" - says browser

I witnessed a crime (514 stories) - "Not my story... ...but one of my favourites.
Many years ago, some of my friends used to do the rubber-sword live action RP - dressing up as orcs an…" - says davywavy

Mix Tapes (441 stories) - "No woman, no cry
/pop/un-lurks.
Hi there, I’ve been lurking almost a year now, trying to get up the bottle to post my one and only story worth te…" - says A Bean Countin' Man

Stalked (333 stories) - "My tale, and the guilt that follows My first ever b3ta post, after I registered specifically so I could tell this tale.
I was once a stalker and it…" - says TalkbackStuck

Bastard Colleagues (466 stories) - "Directors and Managers are by far the worst. This is simply a rant about directors and managers who think themselves higher than royalty, higher than …" - says Miggyman

Hotel Splendido (381 stories) - "Scotland?! I've just remembered this Many moons ago I had to go to the Isle of Bute in the wintertime for a very boring acoustic survey of a cheese fa…" - says Captain Placid

Shoplifting (484 stories) - "Shoplift... Storeslift.. its all the same Sport. Worked in engineering stores of a West Sussex based airline, they go belly up owing me a months wages…" - says Eeeza bit Tidy

Cheap Tat (468 stories) - "My dutch bike I spent part of my university years at the Universiteit Leiden, in Holland. Now Holland is even bigger on bikes than Oxford or Cambridge…" - says Doomladen

Evil Pranks (566 stories) - "The Game About 5 years ago, I was entrusted with the task of looking after my sister's cats over the new year while she and her boyfriend spent a mont…" - says roidoid

Accidental animal cruelty (618 stories) - "Bimbo and the bowl. This story concerns two friends of my parents; Nick and Jill.
Nick is a good humoured guy of great patience. Jill is extremely …" - says Generator

Pathological Liars (550 stories) - "Seats on the Tube First some background.
A few years ago, I came off my motorbike and ripped a chunk out of my knee. All superficial damage, but …" - says Kaer

Abusing freebies (387 stories) - "Wet Snacks Long time listener, first time caller.
I was DJing at a wedding a number of years back in a very small town in Scotland, about 2 miles f…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth

Stupid Dares (326 stories) - "This one's from a while ago. I was on the pool team. We were fairly rubbish, but had bonded well, and spent a fair few hours in the pub together. Wh…" - says Occulus

Expensive Mistakes (338 stories) - "I.T. is a minefield for expensive mistakes There's so many different ways to screw up. The best you can hope for in a support role is to be invisible.…" - says chart cat

Insults (1474 stories) - "The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101 Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult ty…" - says Pooflake

The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade (688 stories) - "I murdered a director I used to work for a company that was run by academics. Marketing types would ring speculatively and, being academics, they hate…" - says Jugular

Family Holidays (280 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at…" - says R. Jimlad

* PFFT * (549 stories) - "Gurning out a rectal-puff in a supermarket is not big, nor clever, yet quite amusing. I was strolling through Tescos with my trolly and suddenly I fel…" - says Captn Hood-Butter

Pet Stories (548 stories) - "My cat Leonard He's got to be in with a shout of being the best cat ever.
Shortly after moving into our house in 2000, Ex-Mrs PJM and I decided t…" - says Bicycle Repairman

Mistaken Identity (594 stories) - "Mistaken Identity I was once at a foam party at a club in Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wondered drukardly further into the depths to see if I coul…" - says Furness

And that's the thanks I got (230 stories) - "I should have put the phone down... I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am…" - says rockers74

Terrible food (599 stories) - "Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom! This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badge…" - says 71 hour Ahmed

Work Experience (369 stories) - "Seven days make one weak... From the bowels of Lincolnshire, I was the only person in my school year to get work experience down in London. Everyone w…" - says jangle

Best Graffiti Ever (1373 stories) - "Street signs! Recontextualising such a common fixture as a street sign has a huge effect. It is simultaneously inconspicuous and memorable.
I w…" - says Random Ferret

Well, that taught 'em (401 stories) - "I Do a Performance course at University And there's this one girl who is possibly the laziest little bugger on the planet. She never pays attention in…" - says __

We have to talk (351 stories) - "They fuck me up, his mum and dad... I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our…" - says Hampster Squared

Housemates from hell (374 stories) - "Bob's epiphany. It has been alleged that in a shared house in Birmingham there lived four people. Two were a couple (M&F) and there were two others. O…" - says Captain Placid

Personal Hygiene (573 stories) - "Me tits hurt I have one for you all. A mate of mine is a real, honest-to-dog doctor. At the beginning of his career, he acted as a locum doctor in G…" - says lustfish

Cross Dressing (329 stories) - "The things kids say... I was obliged to escort a young cousin about town one day. The little lad was from the countryside and had led a very sheltere…" - says frankspencer

Other people's diaries (310 stories) - "My Brother Myself and my brother never got on. Hate each other with a passion, and still do.
So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruel…" - says Kaer

My first experience of porn (453 stories) - "Operation: Buy Porn Buying porn mags from newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. You internet-generation kids will n…" - says SqueakyG

The Weird Kid In Class (526 stories) - "From my mate Alex
I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a…" - says Donkey Gums

My Collection (439 stories) - "Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe
As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted…" - says geegee

Failed (388 stories) - "failed commando Story from the old man.
Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instruc…" - says Darth Vegas

Road Rage (490 stories) - "JUST got off the phone to my Dad He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immac…" - says Grrrmachine

My Greatest Regrets (427 stories) - "every time I get horny
(when I'm single and at home), I download porn. And each time I tell myself I'll make a porn folder and keep the best ones on…" - says apeloverage

Unexpected Good Fortune (324 stories) - "Well, I was surprised, anyhow I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs. God. We're still happi…" - says purplegod

The Worst Journey in the World (382 stories) - "Virgin Sorry folks. Long story coming………
A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smok…" - says Legless

Barred (313 stories) - "Free CD bonanza A bit of a geeky one this… I'm still (6 years on) barred from buying anything from Amazon.co.uk, when I enter my address it mysterious…" - says Son of Sam-i-am

DIY fashion (275 stories) - "not so much a fashion disaster As something really cool, but only to people who are themselves fashion disasters.
" - says apeloverage

Apparently I'm a sex offender (302 stories) - "This still makes me cringe I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lo…" - says browser

Running away (197 stories) - "I don't want the navy treatment My dad was in the navy and was quite strict with me and my brothers (mainly because we were a bunch of hyperactive sod…" - says Squirter

Encounters with Royalty (328 stories) - "Prince William stole my job I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Caprico…" - says daytripper

I hurt my rude bits (452 stories) - "Y-front Kerplunk... Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno wha…" - says tinpixel

Lies I told on my CV (189 stories) - "CVs! I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs.
Sa…" - says Legless

Rock and Roll Stories (360 stories) - "You either love him or hate him... Yes, I have been in a band but never really had any truly “Rock and Roll” experiences (apart from a Derek Smalls in…" - says Mr Evian

The most cash I've ever carried (297 stories) - "Last week... ...I went out with a big wad of Euros to buy eleven French impressionist paintings that I'd wanted for a long time. Afterwards, I notice…" - says Olembe

Mugged (360 stories) - "don't mug yourself I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.
The best was when I was waiting for a bu…" - says sadler

Awesome Sickies (302 stories) - "Reverse Sickies Last time I wanted a sickie, I was actually SICK...! Start of a bad headache and I tells wifey - "Shit, don't feel good. Head is pound…" - says Sir Jester

Missing body parts (340 stories) - "My frontal lobe No not that one you filthy minded cretins, the rather important part of your brain.
Back when I still lived with my mum, I was sitt…" - says Bellamy's Enemy

Never Meet Your Heroes (511 stories) - "I had tea with that Brian Blessed once…. About 15 years ago my mate Bruce and I had a mutual friend who knew Brian Blessed’s daughter (Rosalind) and f…" - says Hedonister

Worst Nicknames Ever (954 stories) - "Sticks and stones (and coathangers) It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) …" - says jennymnemonic

Ignoring Instructions (389 stories) - "DONT ABUSE CATS During my first few years of childhood - I had a lot of fun with cats.
I was always bollocked for doing things with cats. I rememb…" - says Chicken Skin Bag

Crap meals out (402 stories) - "Every sodding family meal since the age of six... ...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes.
Someon…" - says R. Jimlad

Teenage Parties (404 stories) - "age is everything Used to have a fantastic mate called Rosie, and we were round her house having a few beers and a laugh. Anyway, a friend of mine was…" - says jiggling_john

Heckles (582 stories) - "Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere. A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was appar…" - says Rotating Wobbly Hat

School Sports Day (292 stories) - "third leg Remember the three-legged race?
Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day. She gave me…" - says Boss Killer

Airport Stories (353 stories) - "I was traumatised for life Last year In an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty w…" - says Mong The Merciless

Sacked (306 stories) - "i was sacked for being a shit, but a proud one I used to work for a chain of pubs, Yates, and basically was a pump jockey for a couple of weeks until …" - says lunus

Child Labour (271 stories) - "We wish you a merry pissmas A few of us tykes used to go carol singing round our council estate each December. Lots of very nice people gave us sweets…" - says Soapy Norris

Accidentally Erotic (416 stories) - "Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD VERY stressful! I studied for months. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough…" - says setimret

Join us... come join the cult (207 stories) - "What a question... Yes I've been part of a cult. I may as well tell you the story from the top.
Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, j…" - says jim_bob

Have you ever paid for sex? (263 stories) - "Well, I Suppose Yes... A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night. We had a cracking wee…" - says Legless

Essential Items (441 stories) - "Lucky Silver Dollar I was given an American Silver dollar by my dad when i was young. I carry it with me everywhere. When i was in Baghdad a couple of…" - says Thursday Sugar Bowl

My first love (305 stories) - "It's another true love story (well it's TRUE at least) OK, so most people put this at the end, but Apologies for length - here goes:
She was just a…" - says Amos E Wolfe

The Police (348 stories) - "the price of death i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning.
whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam …" - says furey

Posh (410 stories) - "Nice to see you - to see you WIIIIIGGG!!! Once upon a time, a friend and I rented a place for a year in the self-proclaimed "richest town in Britain",…" - says Soapy Norris

Take my Mother-in-law... (217 stories) - "I wish she was mine!!! I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my…" - says Gleeballs

Toilets (558 stories) - "Barium Shits. Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal.
Now this is a …" - says Legless

Scary Neighbours (400 stories) - "Student Neighbours
A long, long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away.
I was living in Manchester and having an absolute whale of a time. It was du…" - says Legless

Injured Siblings (424 stories) - "I confess... When I was seven years of age, I used to beg my mother for a little brother or sister. My main reason, at the time, was that I desperatel…" - says stusut79

Crappy Prizes (393 stories) - "Grab A Grot Me and my sidekick, Denty, used to often go out on the pull in Manchester. When I say often I mean every night except Thursdays and Sunday…" - says Legless

Weird Traditions (541 stories) - "Weird tradition of mine Every time I see a herd of cows I always say to whoever is with me "look a flock of cows" and await the response of "herd of c…" - says creeper

When animals attack... (609 stories) - "I used to come home from work most nights and find my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom. As these were generally clan matches I would n…" - says Jay

The Onosecond (385 stories) - "Spoofing SMS Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share.
A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned th…" - says Legless

When I met the parents (379 stories) - "1st time I met my girlfriend's parents there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving
"Have you slept with Julie yet?"
"Do …" - says Zak McFlimby

Jobsworths (430 stories) - "Reading Rock In the early 80's I used to attend the Reading Rock Festival every year. It used to be the highlight of my year, a week of stoned pissed …" - says Legless

Petty Sabotage (608 stories) - "Not me, but a school friend of my dad's.... Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was …" - says TooMuch2AM

How I Skive Off Work (389 stories) - "skive, yet still be the most productive member of staff they have... erm, i was meant to be on the weekend shift...
i arrived yesterday 15 mins lat…" - says professor honky

Guilty Pleasures (737 stories) - "Utterly Childish and Pointless I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising t…" - says Strangey

I just don't get it (883 stories) - "Toast My mother was useless in the kitchen.
When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns bla…" - says Legless

Walkman Flashbacks (414 stories) - "Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood always makes me cringe I used to have very long hair, half way down my back. On my 35th birthday, my missus said sh…" - says peewee13

Useless Information (1217 stories) - "Wearing out the b3ta website Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear…" - says Fr_Jerry_McGwier

Beautiful Moments (447 stories) - "It was a beautiful, crisp morning in a camp-site near Rothbury, Northumberland. I awoke to the sound of birds singing and the invigorating feeling of …" - says Zak McFlimby

Losing Your Virginity (402 stories) - "First time, brown wings and firearms My old University mate Doug lost his cherry to a girl he had met in his local while his parents were on holiday.
…" - says Catchag

Claims to Fame (830 stories) - "The Bill Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week.
In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the seri…" - says Catchag

Little things that turn you on (633 stories) - "Sshhhh... Whispering.
I don't know why, but when women whisper it makes me go all wobbly. I suppose it has to do with the necessity of closeness & …" - says moonjam

Job Interviews (313 stories) - "Hemipenis! Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour.
Interviewer: What animal would you like to…" - says DarkLite

Black Sheep (161 stories) - "black sheep It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos..
However, it turns out …" - says Aleister Crowleys Badger

Pure Ignorance (1043 stories) - "Chat up lines My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles. He was unbelievably …" - says browser

My Christmas Nightmare (127 stories) - "True but tasteless paramedic humor... Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with t…" - says emadex

Office Christmas Parties (240 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p…" - says pb4ugo2bed

Lost... (297 stories) - "Doh... I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet...in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only when i…" - says Smartie

Near Death Experiences (353 stories) - "Grenade! My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German…" - says Scaryduck

Premonitions (317 stories) - "My good how odd Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo" - says stefd

You're a moviestar baby (406 stories) - "gay, but not in a happy way. Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were fi…" - says Jeeves

Shoddy Presents (333 stories) - "Sent, not received My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the o…" - says Flurble

Local Nutters (568 stories) - "The Cowboy I went to uni at Wolverhampton, and there was a bloke who wandered around in a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather chaps, waistcoat, guns,…" - says Zak McFlimby

World's Sickest Joke (2375 stories) - "I offended someone with this: I was in a pub and told the following joke:
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your cloth…" - says <>Dog

Embarrassing Injuries (442 stories) - "Arse Rip I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afte…" - says bobba

My Worst Vomit (499 stories) - "Nobody vomits like a kid vomits..... About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room lo…" - says Desolation Angel

Stuff You've Overheard (359 stories) - "Some More Bus Fun... It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back,…" - says damndirtyape

My Wanking Disasters (334 stories) - "Working in Tesco's a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for abou…" - says moonjam

Mini Cabs From Hell (166 stories) - "Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari: Where the hell was I?
Somewhere in the north I think. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner:
Cabbie: "Do …" - says Your Mum

Your Greatest Dilemmas (107 stories) - "Dear Tania, I think my friend Rob is on crack. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss. What signs should I look for, and …" - says SpunkyBackpack

Your Revenge Stories (241 stories) - ". A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone.
I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl.
That showed her." - says moonjam

Best Comebacks (398 stories) - "Below the belt! A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as …" - says chuffster

Foot in Mouth Syndrome (361 stories) - "Once on a medical work experience thing my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak …" - says The Doctor

Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make (213 stories) - "Nuclear Wombles Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France)
The Wombli…" - says ccc

Impromptu Games You Play (455 stories) - "Yes, but is it art? Got rather bored at an Art Deco exhibition my Mum took me along to at the V&A museum.
Started to play 'Yes, But Is It Art?'
…" - says microsaulxp

Booze Related Disasters (166 stories) - "Oh me, oh my I'm sure you all remember the North American Eastern seaboard being in a total blackout last august. well, my friend and I assumed that t…" - says Human

Old People Talk Bollocks (198 stories) - "My Grandma loudly & proudly sang... ... a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once.
What made it more jaw-droppingly hor…" - says microsaulxp

Have you ever started a fire? (361 stories) - "Oh, dear god. When I was a student, I was at a party coming down from something or other when I muttered "what this place needs is a bit of mindless t…" - says sp3ccylad

Pet Names (381 stories) - "Hitler, Wiggy, and LazyPigBoy were the names of my 3 mutant Harvest Mice.
They were sisters, and each had only one eye (rejects from a zoo-based bree…" - says Station

Irrational Fears (572 stories) - "Firey nuclear destruction, as it happens I grew up in the 70s and 80s, living in fear of the four minute warning, literally a few miles from the UK’s …" - says Scaryduck

Lies Your Parents Told You (707 stories) - "Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth... My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked …" - says Scaryduck

Breakin' The Law (230 stories) - "If you ever get the chance, do this: Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it…" - says No6

Clients Are Stupid (318 stories) - "Parents are stupid First post...blah blah blah
Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that ev…" - says R. Jimlad