How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

Are you losing yourself to an odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Do you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don't seem like yourself? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine whether the relationship is taking something away, and, if so, you must put an end to the destructive cycle.

Check off the symptoms of abusive or manipulative partners. Read over the following bullets. Answer honestly and without justifying your partner's behavior (don't say "Well, she's not like that ALL the time," or "It's only happened once or twice--" if it happened at all it's an issue!). Simply answer yes or no. Even 3-4 yeses mean it is time to get out and get with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. Does your partner:[1]:

Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals?

Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance?

Tell you what you can and cannot wear?

Tell you what you need to do with your hair?

Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they are nothing without you?

Keep your ear to the ground for troubling stories or rumors about your partner. Hearing multiple versions of the "same" story? Do their friends tell you things about your partner that you've never heard, or that your partner flat-out contradicted? Half-truths and selective memories often mean they're shaping the "truth" for you. This is a major red-flag for manipulation, and you best get to the bottom of it.

When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.

If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what your spouse/significant other said and what your friends say. If there are a lot of them, call him/her out on them. If his/her reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way.

Keep your friends close -- especially if he/she is trying to cut them out of the picture. Cutting you off from the friends and family helps her/him gain dominance over you. Then, because they are so terrible, they make you think that it's your decision to leave them. If they're constantly talking behind your friends' backs, making jokes about your family, or making a big scene every time you leave to be with pals, then screw that relationship and move on.

Controlling people love to make tension and drama. They'll stir up the pot by pushing people, acting passive aggressive, and initiating conflict. Then, like "innocent" little children by a broken lamp, they'll put their hands up and blame it on your friends and family.

It's much easier for him/her to control you when you've decided there is too much tension between your loved ones and your mate, and soon, you have no one but her/him to turn to.

Show excessive jealousy or possessiveness the door. If your partner is protective of you, that's sweet. If they're bizarrely over-protective, it's scary and super annoying. Does she/he interrogate you if you aren't home exactly on time, or if you go out for any reason? Do they question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Does your partner tell you that you don't care about them if you spend time with a friend?

A little jealousy is normal, even cute. But it shouldn't affect your daily relationships. Jealousy means they don't trust you. And if they don't trust you, they aren't worth dating.

Walk out on double standards and can't-win situations. It's okay for your partner to be two hours late, but you get attacked if you're five minutes off schedule? It's "perfectly innocent" when they flirt but you're accused of infidelity for saying "Hey?" If you save money then you're being too stingy, if you spend it you're careless with money. No matter what you do, you are at fault -- and this kind of bullcrap can't stand. These are just games meant to screw with your head, and are common in controlling-manipulative relationships. You're not going to win, so don't play the game. Get out!

Ignore their sweet, fake attempts to make nice. He/she does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness. They tell you they realize they were wrong, and promises to change. They seem utterly sincere and convincing — and this is what makes them such master manipulators. They're using you -- the compassionate, kind one-- and turning your kindness against you. Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as they believe they have you hooked and complacent again. Then watch as they apologize again, rinse, and repeat.

At this point he/she may even tearfully say she/he wants your help to change, particularly if you have let them know that you will not tolerate such things again. They may bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet again. It's up to you whether to give them a second chance or not. If they betray your trust again, though, cut through the crap and cut them out of your life.

Be honest with yourself, even though it is going to hurt. This is not going to be fun -- manipulative relationships never are. But you have to wade deep into your crappy feelings and personal worries or you're never going to understand things. Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy? Try to be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began.

Let's be honest: sex clouds your judgment. Remove sex from the equation immediately. It should never be the only reason you're with someone. It doesn't matter how hot they are.

Think about how your partner makes you feel. You are the most important person in your own life, aren't you? Don't disregard your feelings as worthless, biased, or over reactionary. If you feel like crap in this relationship, then you're being treated like crap. End of story -- get out of there. This is especially true if you:

Feel scared of how your partner will act, or react.

Feel responsible for your partner's feelings.

Make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior.

Believe it's all your fault.

Avoid anything that causes conflict or makes your partner angry.

Feel like your partner is never happy with you.

Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want.

Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up.

Take a look at the rest of your relationships. Are your family relationships and friendships increasingly filled with tension every time your partner's name comes up, or with your partner when their names come up? Red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is becoming worried or being pushed away by your partner.

Does this person bring out your best or worst traits? You want to love yourself at all times -- because you're awesome. If you don't feel great, it's likely because their negative energy is sucking you down to their manipulative level.

Be aware of the way he/she behaves with your family and friends, especially if she/he antagonizes them, argues with them, or talks crap about them constantly.

If you decided it is just "easier" to ignore your friends and family, you've let the manipulating monster win. It's time to break this toxic relationship off.

Ignore your own excuses for them -- you're just biased because you are in love.Falling head over heels isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you can't leave your head in the sand for too long. Your starry-eyed affection can make you willfully close your eyes to warning signals, even as friends and family tell you to wake up. You need to have some "you time" to find out what's what. Step aside from the relationship for a few days, however you can, and ask yourself:

Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other's behavior toward you? You shouldn't have to defend a relationship with someone -- they should be good enough for you that it is obvious why you're together.

Are you hiding things from people? You should have privacy, of course, but you shouldn't be hiding a monster under the bed. The problem isn't keeping it a secret, its' that you are dating someone so terrible you have to keep a secret in the first place.

Do you always do what he or she wants, instead of you? You don't date someone because you want another boss in your life, do you? You have a right to your opinion, and you have a right to have your opinion respected -- forget about people who don't oblige.

Have you lost touch with your old friends and family? No matter how in love you are, you should never feel like you're cut off from old pals because of your new flame. They're trying to isolate you because you're easier to control -- especially if they're always throwing shade on your friends and family.

Stop hating yourself for loving someone; dump them ASAP. Realize that they're amazing — on the surface — and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. Manipulators are often an odd mix of intelligence and charm-- it's how they get so manipulative. The best thing to do is just drop them from your life. These people are shallow and unworthy of your time, and it is their fault, not yours. The only reason they are manipulating you is because you're better than them -- so rock it and get the heck out of their life.

You have to acknowledge that they are using your love for them against you to keep you trapped in the relationship. You are not at fault for loving them. They are at fault for using your love as leverage.

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Community Q&A

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I'm controlling my girlfriend. Can I get help with this?

Answered by
wikiHow Contributor

Absolutely. It's great that you recognize that you have a problem, and that you want help. Most likely, you would benefit from therapy. A therapist can help you analyze why feel the urge to control people, and help you develop healthy relationship skills. Ask your doctor or insurance company for a list of therapists in your area.

My husband always accuses me of cheating and lying and he always underestimates me. What do I do?

Answered by
wikiHow Contributor

Confront him and demand proof that you have lied or cheated on him. When he has none, tell him that the accusations have to stop. If he continues, either go to couples counseling, or leave him. He is disrespecting you and you deserve better.

I have a best friend who is controlling me. She's always making me feel guilty and sad. I never feel like she's ever happy with me. How can I end this pain?

Answered by
wikiHow Contributor

Confront her about it and see what she says, otherwise it'll most likely carry on. If she doesn't take it well and she refuses to change, sometimes it's best to let go of toxic friendships and relationships.

Don't be mean about it. You don't have to be like him/her to get away. Just say it's not a match and you don't intend to continue the relationship. Period. Don't try pointing out all of the above warning signs. This type of person won't recognize it himself/herself. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.

If the controlling person has ever threatened you, take that seriously and have a safety plan. Do not underestimate the lengths some people will go to keep you under their power. If you need help, call a help line or a shelter.

Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share. They will rejoice when you tell them it's over.

Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family; they do have your best interests in mind. One person can be ignored — many cannot. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem — and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike for your partner?

The establishment of control is subtle, and often occurs over time. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the warning signs. Because these signs can be subtle, it can be helpful to see a collection of warning signs; one sign may not be a problem. Four or five — talk to friends and relatives. If they affirm the signs are there, it may be time to re-evaluate this relationship — and try to do it outside of the control of this person.

If they seem to say one thing yet do another, then turn your ears off and your eyes on, decide based on behavior and conduct rather than words. Often the apologies are not sincere and what they really mean is "Sorry you don't like it, but I will do it again."

Severely controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for them; the best help you can give them is to (A) refuse to be their victim, and (B) direct them to professional help.

Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end, as it is likely to be used as a weapon against you. Cutting them off may seem cruel, but it ends the confrontations and forces them to move on or get help.

Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors or threats, including threats to harm you or your supporters, or to commit suicide. Don't rely on your own judgment to determine whether threats are serious. Report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous, but don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it is violated.

Reader Success Stories

Sara Sterling

Jul 22

"It helped me to understand how to realize and recognize manipulative people and how not to let it happen anymore. I have a right to my thoughts, opinions, emotions and they have no right to tell me if I'm right, wrong, how I should feel or anything. I have a right to be who I am, their approval is not needed. Either they love me for who I am or they don't, but I'm not their puppet."..." more

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Ashley Brown

Jul 5

"My spouse is very manipulative and controlling. Since we have children together, I have opted to remain with him. However, I find articles like this one extremely helpful to remind me of how to react to his tirades and fault-finding monologues. I take time to refresh my memory with articles like this one. They help remind me of who I am and keep my feet on the ground, because when someone is constantly telling you who you are and how to think, it's easy to get bogged down emotionally and believe it."..." more

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Anonymous

Aug 23

"I've kind of been thinking my long term gf was manipulating me, but it's only from reading your article, particularly the list of manipulating behavior, that I have realized how much she does it and how insidious it is. Has convinced me that I need to get out asap. I like the direct, non mincing of words tone to the way it was written. Thanks."..." more

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D. W.

Jul 31

"Learned to just be me and be an individual. I'm married, but I am still allowed to go and do and enjoy my friends and family. He does, but to him, it seems to be different than when I do. I come home from visiting and he has me discouraged saying I should be home."..." more

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Shannan Crescente

Oct 10, 2016

"I have been there, and now I am free from this type of relationship and try to help others. Thank you for addressing this and pointing out the specific signs. I will use this to help as many people as will let me. Your work makes a difference, thank you!"..." more

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Anonymous

Oct 17, 2016

"This article gave me ideas on what to look out for and frankly, they were all correct. I would like to personally thank wikiHow for helping me recognize the signs of an abuser. I never listened to people and friends, but seeing it published helps a lot."..." more

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Anonymous

Oct 9, 2016

"I wish this advice site was around 20 years ago. Then I wouldn't have married the monster. I am glad this is around now. I have read many articles on this site to help me through the process of my divorce and afterwards. Very helpful. Thank you!"..." more

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James Stephenson

Feb 19

"I have been in a new relationship for 8 months. At the start, everything was fine, but as each month passed, a new problems was tagged onto the relationship. This advice has pinpointed the exact pattern I am seeing currently, thank you."..." more

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Tammy Brown

Apr 26, 2016

"As I read the article, I could hear my boyfriend saying the same thing to me. I asked him to listen as I reread the article, and I saw him shaking his head "yes" to almost everything. I asked if I was really like that and he said yes."..." more

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Jenny Jones

Apr 18, 2016

"You helped me realize that it's actually not me and I'm not imaging the things he says I am. I always felt guilty of making him feel bad because he made me cry, so I allowed myself to be sucked into his manipulative behavior. "..." more

A

Anonymous

Aug 14, 2016

"The list of questions about symptoms cut through my denial and let me see our relationship objectively. The warning about things I might say to excuse the behavior were exactly what I've been saying for 30 years."..." more

HT

Heather Tucker

May 5, 2016

"Steps and examples helped show how it was happening in my relationship. I gained the most help from having my mistakes pointed out, followed by positive reinforcement, and how to fix them."..." more

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Anonymous

Feb 15

"Basically, it was spot on. All of it. Sometimes when it gets pointed out, things make sense. Made me wonder if pointing it out to the abuser would allow the person to recognize it, too."..." more

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Savanah Davis

Jun 6, 2016

"I've been stuck in a manipulative relationship for over two years, not realizing my problem. Seeing this really helped me evaluate my situation to see the signs of a bad relationship."..." more

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Chad Tadsley

Aug 10

"It helped me learn how to effectively manipulate my significant other. By learning the signs she's looking for I can properly avoid them and truly manipulate her to my liking."..." more

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H. Tucker

May 5, 2016

"Excellent. Hit the nail on the head so to speak. By pointing out my mistakes, this article left me feeling more knowledgeable and sure of the decision I was making."..." more

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W. Y.

Jul 17

"It reminds me that if someone uses my compassion against me, it's their abuse, not my fault, and to be careful because they are good at using anything against you."..." more

Rated this article:

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Anonymous

Oct 11, 2016

"Knowing that many others are dealing with this helps. I know there is someone meant for me that will eventually come into my life for a good reason and purpose."..." more

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Anonymous

Dec 29, 2016

"The part that elevates the revelation of a two headed monster and how they can turn it on and off or flip flop in an instant helped! Never let your guard down."..." more

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Anonymous

Aug 28, 2016

"Helped in reaffirming that I was in an abusive relationship and understanding that I wasn't stupid to have fallen for someone like that and not noticed."..." more

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Anonymous

Feb 19

"Putting yourself first. Be honest with yourself, even though its going to hurt. This step made me think - then I read, "Is this relationship healthy?""..." more

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Patrice Cox

Jan 6

"It helped when you really explain in detail how to recognize a manipulative person and how intelligent they are. Also how they are all about themselves."..." more

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Anonymous

May 31, 2016

"This helped me see from a different perspective what is happening in my relationship. You become so blind when you love and give a person everything."..." more

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Anonymous

Dec 19, 2016

"I just love the warning signs and tips I read in your article. I was just so nervous. Holding my breath. I have seen all the signs, thanks so much."..." more

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Jeremy Andreas

Apr 18, 2016

"The whole article was eye-opening for me. It helped me to see that I was being the manipulator. Thank you for helping me see what others couldn't."..." more

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Shenia B.

Apr 27, 2016

"It helped me really understand the person I was dealing with and to know that it wasn't me. It was him and his controlling, jealous ways."..." more

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Patty Moyers

Sep 6

"Letting me know I didn't do anything wrong and telling me that I can't fix the other person. Hearing that made me sigh with relief."..." more

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Lashenia Brown

Apr 26, 2016

"It's great and very helpful. It really helped me a lot in understanding the person I was dealing with. Thanks."

AB

A. Branch

Jan 4

"Almost every step revealed the true nature of my relationship. My intuition was right. Now into action I go."

Lirize

Jun 25

"What helped me the most is to see that I'm in a controlling relationship after I was in denial of the truth."