Monday, June 8, 2015

I Don't Think Anyone Loves Kangaroos More than Derek Jeter

Source: “Is that Derek Jeter?” my friend Caitlin asked as we sat eating lunch at a luxury resort in the Blue Mountains outside of Sydney in late March.

It could be. We were at the exclusive and swanky One&Only Wolgan Valley — just the kind of place a famous person would go. Plus, Jeter had just retired, so maybe a vacation at the start of baseball season made sense.

But I couldn’t really see. First of all, to me, celebrities always look a little different in person — skinnier, usually shorter, just more ordinary. Second, he was sitting behind me, and since it was just us and the guy she thought was Jeter (and his friends) at the small patio café, I was hesitant to do a 180 turn to check. “I don’t know,” I said, trying to remember what he looked like, and whether he was a Met or a Yankee. (Yes, I call myself a New Yorker, but I’m clearly not a sports fan.)

While Caitlin stared, I decided to eavesdrop. “I’ll have the steak sandwich, without the bread,” said one of the guys. The order then evolved into a conversation about protein. “It might be him,” I whispered to Cait. “They’re talking about protein. Athletes like to eat protein,” I reasoned.

“Their eyebrows are very well-groomed,” Caitlin added. Interesting — another clue he might be someone famous.

When we got up to leave, possible-Derek-Jeter and his pals were already gone.

After lunch, Caitlin and I headed to the lobby to arrange our place on a wildlife tour later in the day. We were itching to see some kangaroos in the wild, and with 7,000 acres of pristine grasslands, forest and mountains, this was the place to do it.

Never afraid to say what she’s thinking, Cait asked the concierge: “Was that Derek Jeter, the American baseball player, who we just saw downstairs?”

“If you think it’s the guest, it’s probably the guest,” the woman responded with a sly smile. We immediately decided the woman was giving us a secret message that it was indeed Jeter.

No matter. We soon got our answer. Cait and I got on the four-wheel bus-like vehicle the hotel had arranged for our wildlife drive. There was an older Dutch couple already there and we were waiting for a few more guests. That’s when Derek Jeter and two of his friends climbed on the bus and sat behind us.

The drive was amazing. I alternated taking shots of kangaroos, wallaroos, and wallabies with my Cannon Powershot, my iPhone, and videos with my GoPro. With the celebrity presence, I felt a little self-conscious about all the cameras hanging from by body. And since Cait and I were on opposite sides of the bus, if one of us saw something amazing out our window, we’d do a mini kind of Chinese fire drill and hastily switch sides to look out the other’s windows. Derek Jeter thinks we’re crazy, I thought to myself.

Jeter and his friends looked very LA (even though he played for New York). Cait was right about their eyebrows, and they were all wearing pretty stylish jeans, T-shirts and sunglasses. Cait, being the friendly one, started talking to Jeter and his two friends. “I’m Derek,” I heard him say.

Within a few minutes, they were fast friends. “You should have seen the kangaroo we saw at the Sydney zoo,” Jeter said to Cait, who was sitting right in front of him. “He was so meaty!” Jeter then proceeded to take out his phone and scroll through his pictures of this huge kangaroo. I worried Cait’s head was about to explode. “Look at how big he is. Look at the muscles in his back,” exclaimed Jeter. “He was scary!” I had to chuckle that Derek Jeter was scared of a kangaroo in a cage. It was kind of endearing.

Cait then explained to the guys all about wombats, and we made sure to point one out when we drove by. She told the guys that in a few days, we would be cuddling koalas. “We want to cuddle koalas!” they yelled, very excited at the prospect. “You have to go to Queensland,” I said, as we were in New South Wales, where it’s banned. “There are only a few places where you can do it.” Of course, if you’re Derek Jeter, maybe they let you cuddle a koala wherever you want, I thought to myself.

At one point during the drive, we stopped and got out of the bus for a little walk around and a great photo op of the nearby mountains. Derek Jeter handed me his iPhone and said, “Will you take a picture of us?” I squashed the urge to see whom he had texted last and snapped a shot of him and his two pals in front of the breathtaking scenery.

“Take a picture of them with your camera!” Cait squealed in my ear. “No, I feel bad,” I said. (I’d much rather just write about it when I’m safely back at my desk in the States.)

Later that night after dinner, we ran into Jeter and his friends again. “Look who it is!” they said and chatted for a minute. They were staying in the only three-bedroom villa up on a hill that Cait and I had been wondering about. Jeter and his friends looked like they were ready for a fun night out — despite the fact there’s really nothing to do in Wolgan Valley.

That was the last time we saw Jeter. As it turns out, he is a totally nice, down-to-earth guy. At least when he’s talking to strangers on vacation.

After the trip, I scoured the Internet for pictures from Jeter’s trip to Australia. There was nothing. His Facebook timeline went from shots of his Celebrity Golf Classic in Las Vegas earlier in March to posts about his youth leadership program, Jeter’s Leaders, in early April. I did find a tweet from a sports writer in late March proclaiming that Derek Jeter was in Sydney for the Cricket World Cup, which was happening at the time. And there was another tweet with a blurry picture of Jeter at a Sydney Blue Sox baseball game. But mostly, Cait and I had Jeter all to ourselves, at least for a couple of hours.

First off, sorry for posting that whole article but I think it's necessary. Secondly, fuuuuuuck this lady who wrote this. You live in New York and don't know what team Derek Jeter played for? That's quite simply the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. There are so many things that this lady wrote that make me wanna gauge my eyeballs out, but I'll get to those later.

For now, let's talk about the most important part of this story. Which is that Derek Jeter fucking LOVES kangaroos. There is no way anyone on this planet loves kangaroos more than Derek Jeter. He and Hannah Davis probably got one as a pet when he got back from this trip. Shit, I think I have to get a kangaroo now that I know Jeter loves them this much. Like I thought kangaroos were pretty cool before I read this but I've never seen one in person, and now I'm about to take out a loan for a flight to Australia to see some kangaroos. I need to see kangaroos now. I need to love them as much as Derek Jeter. Need it.

Okay, now back to this lady writing this story. Here's a list of reasons why this lady sucks.

1. She had to think about whether Jeter was a Met or Yankee. If you live in New York, you know what team Derek Jeter played for. That's a given. So either this lady thinks she's cute pretending to know nothing about everything, or she doesn't live in New York and actually lives under a fucking rock.

2. Her reasoning of why it was indeed Derek Jeter is that they were talking about protein. "Athletes like to eat protein." No, humans in general like to eat protein. Yeah people who work out probably consume higher levels of protein than those who don't but it's still terrible logic for trying to figure out whether it was Jeter or not, and the way she wrote it was annoying as fuck.

3. Her friend sucks, and continues the terrible logic behind trying to figure out if this was Derek Jeter. "His eyebrows are well-groomed." My fucking eyebrows are well-groomed. You don't need to be famous to have nice eyebrows. It takes a conscious effort to fuck up your eyebrows. It takes a shower to make them look good/normal/fine/they're eyebrows no one fucking cares.

4. She and her friend asked the restaurant if it was Derek Jeter and they didn't give them a straight answer. Hey MORONS, why didn't you Google image Derek Jeter and see if it was him? Since you're both so fucking brain dead that you don't know who Derek Jeter is, then whip out your phones and look up pictures of him. Coulda solved this shit in two fucking seconds.

5. She and her friend switched sides to see out each others' windows during the wildlife tour, which would be soooooo annoying to be sitting in the same vehicle as them. I bet Derek woulda jumped out of the car if it weren't for the absolutely jacked kangaroos that he's seen.

6. She had to "chuckle at the fact that Derek Jeter was scared of a caged kangaroo." Hey lady, he said "it was scary" not that he was scared of it. There's a huge difference. Of course he isn't scared of one in a cage, but if that thing came out fuckin jumping around kicking shit, you bet your ass he'd be scared, and so the fuck would you, so shut up. This lady's making fun of Derek Jeter for describing a kangaroo he saw, and she doesn't even know who he is. Hey lady, I'd like you to do two things. First off, WAKE UP. Secondly, once you wake up, I want you to take a big step back and literally fuck your own face.

7. Her description of how Jeter and his friends wanted to go cuddle with koalas sucks. Derek Jeter does not yell "We want to cuddle koalas!" In fact, no guy does. Ever. Everyone wants to cuddle koala bears, but no dude shouts his excitement for it as if he were a college softball player who just hit a home run (those girls go absolutely fucking nuts). Stop making Derek Jeter seem like a god damn weirdo.

8. She had to "squash the urge" to see who Jeter texted last when he handed her his phone to take a picture of him and his friends. Hey lady, turn your brain on. It's probably his fucking girlfriend, Hannah Davis. You absolute moron. That would literally never cross my mind if I were in that situation. You know what would? Politely asking if I could get a picture with Derek. "Oh one of the greatest baseball players of all time is in the mood for taking some pics in this sweet Australian wildlife, but I'm too busy resisting my urge to see who he texts to ask if I can get a picture with him to prove to people that all this shit happened." What an IDIOT.

Well there you have it. You never knew Derek Jeter loved kangaroos so much. But you also never knew you needed 8 reasons why Leah Ginsberg sucks at life. Life will never go back to being the same.

And this is for Leah Ginsberg.

(Pardon the extreme profanity, but this video is hilarious and the final lines of the scene are an important message to this half-wit writer of this story)