Uhm. What is there to say. I am somebody who thinks he has got some stuff... like... who has been abused in some way...

But I'm not quite sure how to think of it yet.

I think about this a lot. And I've actually searched for forums or stuff like that again due to something I read/saw about somebody who had experienced this as well who had agression issues. And was experiencing trouble with all... uhm like... authority figures etc...

I recognized this a lot. And now I realized it might be really common with people who at least think they have had those experiences to act aggressively in those kind of ways. I do anyway. There's my main problem as well... because of it...

But uhm. There's stuff I wonder about.

I could ask it here. Don't know how much it... changes stuff...

But the problem I'm having is about... that I don't know how I should look at it. Or well I'm looking at it in a few different ways... trying to find the right one...

But yeah... the problem is though... I'm trying to find a "general" section on this website...

But well. I could also just post it here...

I have thought to myself a lot about this subject. And yeah...

I feel like...

I feel like I've been robbed of something... or so it seems... but uhm...

This is the sexual part...

And this is why I'm pretty... uhm... I don't like the sexual abuse term... in essence. I don't like telling it to people. Because I think it's something different. I think I would call it something else or something...

And I think... I don't know though... because the subject is really bad... you know and private... sexual stuff is pretty sensitive...

But I hope it compares to a real life robbery. Where somehow I got in a situation where I was robbed of my own feeling of sexual integrity...

But if a person gets robbed in a store... and is forced to hand over money... in a for him seemingly life threatening situation... he or she complies...

He or she could feel traumatized by it. But for me... I compare my sexual abuse with that... scenario... but to me complaining about the fact that I've been sexually abused... feels like I have to... uhm... first have to put myself in some sort of victim role... But... The fact is... that feels to me as weird as... being robbed in a store and then running to a psychologist... crying about the fact that I've lost 200 dollars. It's not that. It's the fact that somebody is apparently willing to... threaten me with my life... for 200 dollars...

But here's some room.

I think I've been traumatized because I have felt and perhaps still feel life threatened...

But for me the abuse is really... uhm vague... and open to interpretation... so... wich makes it even more uncomfortable for me to talk about... sexual abuse... because it's embarrassing... but it makes sense if... it makes sense if it's about the fear...

In more ways than another...

But I hoped that perhaps if I think about it this way. The sexual nature of it all goes away...

Because you know... the people that this... is associated with in my memories... The fear is just in the fact that... they just didn't know what they were doing...It's 2 separate incidents if it's sexual abuse at all... 1 on 1. So don't think when reading the word "they" it was one or more group events. They I mean 2 people.

But in that respect... it still hasn't gone away...

I'm feeling more in danger than I ever felt...

Sexuality was the trade. But now I get nothing back for it.

Also the... although...

I just can't enjoy sexuality anymore.

Damnit. And if I get to a point where I nearly become suicidal...

When thinking about this theory... I'm like what the hell is this all about...

The saddest weirdest thing for me now would be to commit suicide...???

Really. And yeah I've got violent thoughts... I'm sorry. Like every day at least like 3 times a day.

But it wouldn't work... it's not the solution...

I'm hoping that perhaps after this post and after sharing stuff with people that have experienced the same thing... that will go away...

My abuse is about 2 really... small... factually then... but for me very big... experiences I've had. With my mum and my dad. Separately. But actually 3. But there's one that hasn't got that much to do with sexuality but more with just... aggression... but that... came after it... I don't know...

But so... I had stuff to work out at least. Repressed memories sounds really bad and all but yeah in essence it's true. But yeah that third experience was the fact that I had to deal with that. But apparently I was able to. In my own kind of way... I guess... But then I suddenly got... to my feeling like... thrown out of the house...

Then was when the problems slowly started to emerge. Just discarded like a piece of trash... Very suddenly... Up until then I gamed a lot... the repressing worked...

And at least I was... uhm... well I had my own problems then as well... But yeah it got a little worse again after that... It's like first that happens to me... and then the message is like "deal with it..." and that's it. And so ever since the memories came up... I get confronted with that question and I start asking why. And get all philosophical like that... uhm... like start getting delusional as well and stuff... and it's like I'm evening out in solitary... like... in isolation...

Hmm wel...

I'm afraid that this is only the tip of the iceberg. But gosh... this does feel like an improvement. The first one since like 5 years or something like that...

I meant like that it would be a shame for me to become suicidal after... like...

Like if you take the robbery again... If I get robbed of 200 dollars because somebody threatens me at gunpoint... and I commit suicide after that... what good is that? That's my thinking at least here huh... What good is that? That would be a waste of 200 dollars... What changed then...? So first I decide that... I'd rather get out of that situation alive instead of losing my life for 200 dollars... and then committing suicide... would be like... over that incident... would be like... I don't know... useless...!? That was the whole point. I had gone through all that trauma because I didn't want to lose my life. The whole trauma is a close to death experience. I couldn't care about sexuality... Seriously... It's just that apparently I have to pay for my life. First I get brought to life or something. I get born. And after that it's like I have to maintain myself by... as if I have to get punished for living... like what the f*** is that all about!!!

That's why suicide is no option whatsoever. And it isn't about sexuality either. I think in terms of evolution... and in that respect nothing happened! And perhaps I would already be... willing... I don't know how brave I am... to just drop dead... like a salmon... after getting a kid with a women. Because that is what it would imply. But after that... I mean... I could still try to survive in order to help and raise my kid and give her/him the best possible... like... life... like help him/her.

And then in the last part I talked about getting confronted with that question and I start asking why. But not like... why what. Not in like "why did it happen to me?". But more like "what should I live for?" "why should I keep on doing it (survive)?"... "what goal is there in life?"... etc... too big... And sometimes I try to find answers in those questions... by thinking ridiculously out of the box... considered completely crazy... borderline kind of stuff... like the whole universe spins around me... and stuff like that. Wich in essence I still do believe... but that thought doesn't change anything. It still prevents me from cheating on life or something like that or finding a back door through wich... I can seemingly easily escape from everything... just in a split second. Or thoughts about death. What is there after life? Or even comparing this to hell. Thinking perhaps I couldn't even die even if I would want to... because this here life on earth for eternity like in that moment in time would be hell... only if there would be no escape from it possible.

That's how far. I've once been scared that... I wouldn't have been able to die anymore... some scientist believe that's a possibility perhaps already in the near future... TED talks or whatever...

So yeah...

Also... one thing though...

There's usually... uhm... like... it's late in the evening. So I'm typing a lot etc...

But usually I wake up the following morning thinking back about what I've written down and think "omg what did I type!!?" and immediately regret it all... and delete it.

But yeah. I'm constantly trying. To find words for what I often think. What I often feel. Whatever. I hope nobody is bothered by what they will read what I wrote down here...

i'm glad you are with us - and processing all this stuff.you have come to the right place - and are among those who understand - whatever you choose to say.

i hope you will keep at it - working through the unresolved issues. writing and reading here has really heplped me. it is a process - and we all support one another and learn from each other.

so - welcome!Lee

_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

Glad you found this place. Judging by all the stuff going around in your head - you belong here and are welcome. It is good to get that stuff out (or so I have found anyway). It helps me to work through my thoughts and try to understand what is actually going on.

We all understand what you are going through and while our 'stories' may be different the after effects have really messed us all up. This is a good place to begin but I recommend a therapist or counsellor as well if you have the opportunity.

hey Thionou I know that beginning to open up is the hardest thing it seems, and feeling like my stuff was not that bad makes it even worse. the fact is abuse it terrible and not matter what happens in our lives it costs us sometimes very dearly. it sounds as though whatever you are struggling with has cost you enough and I'm so glad you are finding courage to share it. I hope that you find peace and safety here to share as you need. our stories are all very different, but you will find that we share so much as survivors. the craziness you spoke of will get less man I hope it happens soon.

_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

It doesn't hit me really that much yet but I know it's there because this is perhaps the first time... everything seems to be falling into place...

I read somewhere that people have different coping mechanisms. Rationalizing things is one of them. That's mine. Definitely. I used to game a lot in my youth... so distraction... oh well I probably used a lot...

But well.

There's one thing that came up to me this morning. It's just... I don't like the word sexual abuse... I find it weird to think of it that way...

Abuse for me seems to imply like... it's the same as misuse or something like that. But the whole word use needs to disappear. As if I've been used wrongly. Like the fact that I would get used was there... but I was misused. Abused. Like the "ab" makes it all wrong. I don't know. I probably misunderstand it though. It's as if "used" isn't wrong enough yet. It is. But it implies it isn't. For me then.

I won't start making a problem about it. It's just my 2 cents people often say in this case I believe...

And yeah it isn't as much about the sexuality as it first seems... IMO opinion at least... I don't want to think of it that way anyway...

And uhm... yeah... I think...

Yeah the liberation I feel is in that...

Uhm... I don't like blaming something on somebody... really... you can... but... especially because in my case it;s so unclear... I could be imagining it all. The point is though it has had a profound influence on me in my youth. Even before I was even aware of these memories you know... Looking back at it now... it's pretty clear... I uhm...

With that I mean that fear steers us away from stuff... we... don't experience...

So with the robbery and the abuse I can say I found it very traumatizing. But perhaps nothing happened?! But the point is. That's what fear is for...

The sad thing is... or well... part of the shame I guess... is from... trading in something... without knowing clearly... if you should or not... It's...

I mean again the robbery. If I get robbed... the person in that situation... (I hope this following stuff doesn't trigger people who have experienced far worse things... so... just the word... I'm comparing my experience to something far more clear... but... oh well... could trigger anyway the next part)... the person with for example the gun... (sorry)... he or she could say in hindsight responding to my trauma... that I just gave them 200 dollars... and they never meant to shoot me. And then say "oh well I always just carry a gun around but I didn't mean to make you feel threatened by it"...

In that case... it's just... obvious though... it's... but in my situation is just the sheer parent-child relation... and... yeah... you can never know... I mean...

The point is. I let it happen. Well it's 2 ways... I got set up to my feeling in one and the other I had to comply... I felt like anyway.

But the troubling thing is I will never know for sure if I had to comply... I don't know what would have happened else. I don't know if I would've been in a life threatening situation. It's just that I felt like it.

But yeah the point is... I might actually... have gotten scared way too quickly or whatever... but yeah... the point is... nothing really big happened...

Just enough... to make it... last...

And perhaps... It's even some sort of upbringing... or something...

The same antenna anyway has often helped me. To avoid stuff. And I think I can see danger coming from way earlier than others. Perhaps ever since those 2 events...

Because sometimes I also feel like... because of the very... uhm... like how small it is... but the theme could be called (although like I said I don't like that word)... sexual abuse... but it's just so tiny... that it feels like... a vaccination... of a life threatening disease...

But yeah it has also kept me out of trouble ever since. But that's not true. I've gotten in all kinds of trouble.

Edit:The thing is I can never ever know for sure... what would have happened else...I can never now for sure if I had reason to be scared for my parents...

I can never know for sure if I had to feel life threatened... and if it has saved my life. The danger is... uhm... or well... the possibility is... that I think I've gotten robbed... but...

That I didn't get robbed. That I just... uhm... somebody entered my store... and uhm... he/she didn't mean any harm or anything... but somehow I felt threatened by that person... for some reason... and just handed over 200 dollars for nothing... But that I wasn't in life danger.

I'm trying to point out something here of wich I don't know if you guys understand. The biggest part of me says of course you do understand it, but some part in me says... don't think I've got multiple personalities by the way... when reading this... some part in me says... that I might have a pretty weird look on stuff... compared to others who have gone through the same kind of stuff...

The point is though... I have gone so low in life... like I've hit rock bottom... like IMO at least. That uhm... I don't care anymore. Weird perhaps.

But next time somebody walks into my store and threatens me for 200 bucks... or at least I feel threatened for 200 bucks... I'm not going to trade it in anymore. You can shoot me for 200 bucks. I don't care. Whatever.

Because... this 200 bucks is my sexual integrity or whatever...

And it's mine. Nobody can take that away from me. My parents didn't either. They might have had the illusion that they were able to... but no...

And this is where I think people who have gotten abused become abusers as well... because they somehow unconsciously probably... feel embarrassed about what they did... but... if they can make somebody else... who is in the same position as they were in back then... also surrender... to implied threat... they are at least not the only ones who have to feel embarrassed about stuff... and the surrender of the other person gives them a big adrenaline rush or whatever. And then they can let it go. It's a coping mechanism for what they had to go through themselves...

They don't have to blame it on themselves anymore. Because a pure child. Or a pure person. Has also made the same decision as them. Wich makes the abuser feel as pure again for one split second as the child initially is...

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