I had another post on tap but I got something I just have to get off my chest. Not sure why but bear with me.

Recently, I caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. Thankfully social media has enabled us to keep up with the haps in each others lives. So as soon as we sat down for dinner, I couldn’t wait to start grilling her.

“What is the story behind you and ole boy breaking up to make up…to break up?”

In a span of about three months or so, her Myspace/Facebook status message has gone from “In A Relationship” to “Single” then back to “In A Relationship” to now “Single.” I was amused when I saw this because I knew exactly what was happening.

You’ve probably seen those commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome? Well she has Restless Coochie Syndrome. Don’t think they’ve come up with meds for this one yet though. When she first met this dude almost a year ago, she told him straight up that she had never been faithful to any of the men she’s ever been involved with or even engaged to. Never. Not one time. She told him she didn’t even really even understand monogamy. Doesn’t think it’s natural. She put all her cards on the table from the beginning. She didn’t send her representative. He heard her clearly and didn’t particularly like it. But he – say it with me – thought he could change her. A grown ass 29 year-old man thought he was the one that would finally cure the syndrome. He was so great that this this 25-year old woman, who by her own admission has been pimping since she was a tween, settle down ’til death do they part. Keep in mind she has no desire to change.

Even after the first breakup when he discovered she had been stepping out and made her choose, she tried to convince him that an open relationship could work. I wonder if she illustrated her point by using Ruby and Ossie or Jada and Will? Of course he wasn’t with that and told her that she had to make a choice. At the end of the day, she loved cared deeply for him and didn’t want to lose him. So she kicked whoever she was seeing to the curve and settled back into pseudo-marital bliss.

Then the syndrome flared up again.

This time he resorted to reading her e-mails and found what he was looking for. Now he’s sitting up in his room like Brandy crying and blasting “A House Is Not a Home” and “Cause I Love You.” Pitiful. Did I mention they live together? So this is what she has to come home to every night. No wonder she resurfaced after all this time.

Do I sound callous? I guess I am. He blames her but I told her not to accept that. I remember at the beginning of the relationship when she told me she let him know from day one that she had the syndrome and he still went along with it, I said back then, “Well he deserves whatever he gets.” I still believe that. Apparently, he had intentions of wiving her from the beginning. He went in with that attitude. Somewhere during the course of this relationship, he even brought her a “promise ring.” Why proceed in that manner if someone basically tells you from jump, “I am going to cheat on you and break your heart.”

Because…say it with me, “He thought he could change her.”

Negro please.

Viv, cut the boy some slack!

Okay, I got sympathy for anyone that ends up in heartbreak hotel. You can’t take nothing for that kind of pain. But he has nobody to blame for this but himself. It’s a cold, hard lesson to learn but an important one that I got early. When someone shows you (or tells you!) who they are, you better listen up! Do not think for a second that you can change someone who likes themselves just the way they are.

Whether I respect the way someone lives his life is immaterial. I appreciate when a person is upfront and able to tell me exactly what I am getting myself into. In my last relationship, my ex was so fucked up that he couldn’t tell me who he really was. I was able to read between the lines and see how he was emotionally damaged. But I always knew I couldn’t be the one to change him.

Same goes for a person’s belief system and moral values. I have never judged my friend for what she believes. In many ways, I understand it. Although I could never live that way, I respect her for knowing who she is and telling it up front – whether it’s right or wrong. However, it would seem to be common sense that if your beliefs and morals values don’t line up with a potential, you gotta let it go. Chalk it up as another love tko. You don’t cover up the differences with a promise ring and hope they magically disappear.

Don’t know why this got me so riled up. But I’d love to know what you think. Am I being too hard on the dude? Am I completely off base? Does love make things happen?

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13 thoughts on “Change For Me?”

I see where your comin from 100%. It was his CHOICE to get involved and she was honest from the start. If he couldn’t deal with what she said he shoulda walked away on day one (I know that we all hope to change little things about one another, especially when in love/lust, but does it ever really happen?).

If someone gave you the choice of crossin a road with the traffic movin or waitin for it to stop, you would CHOOSE the ‘safest’ (most painless) option. If you crossed anyway and got hit you would get a hell of a lot of ‘I told you so’s’.

I have told many friends that once the rules of the game are set, you can’t change them without both players agreement. If you want to change them and the other person doesn’t, your option is to leave. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the guy.

I come back to a great, great read. I think love changes – but I think if the heart isn’t genuine, then its going to fall back into that which it originally was. So I’d say that love changes but it doesn’t really change. Does that make sense?

I don’t think you are being too hard on dude – not really. LOL. I know a woman who showed me who she is, and my dumb *ss didn’t believe her. Oh well.

You’re not being hard on him @ all. This is an adult situation and he needs to conduct himself accordingly. I’ve heard this story in the reverse a million times. Women are even worse when we “love” a man. We’re always trying to make some dude into what he isn’t. Interesting to see the shoe on the other foot. He’ll get over it.

@Soul UK – Such wise words from someone so young 🙂 You’re already miles and miles ahead of some people a decade older than you!

@sabrina – Preach sista! Truer words have never been spoken. I learned the HARD way that it’s damn near impossible to change the rules of the game in the middle.

@Don -Love changes, but never really changes. I gotta ponder that one. And did you learn your lesson from that experience? Do you now believe that people are who they show you they are?

@HD – Thanks for commenting first of all. I know I can talk to I’m blue in the face telling you not to lose faith in it and it won’t make a difference. I just hope someone comes along that changes your mind.

@mangoqueen – Yes it is quite interesting to see the shoe on the other foot. I have another male friend that has similar things going on. He doesn’t know how to recognize when a woman is just not that into him. He’ll never say this out loud (at least to me) but he wants a relationship so badly that I think he’ll hang in there to his own detriment. And yes, men are resilient. I just worry about the next chick. LOL!

yes i think a large majority of people are definitely who they show themselves to be. i also think there are some people who place a wall in front that has to be removed before you get a chance to see who they really are.

First of all, this picture of dude in tears is priceless!! But seriously, for both women & men, I think in our most vulnerable moments we tend to believe what we want to believe, even when there is evidence to the contrary staring us in the face. That’s why it’s hard to say anyone is to blame here…the woman is who she is, and the guy wanted her to be someone else. And that just wasn’t going to happen. Some things CAN be changed, like putting down the toilet seat, sweeping your hair off the sink, not drinking out of the milk carton, etc. But some things are so fundamental to a particular person that they can’t be changed no matter what, even if they met the woman or man of their dreams. And at some point, we’ve all got to realize that’s OK, and just figure out what we can and can’t tolerate. @HD I think there isn’t any hope that you’ll find the perfect person, but there is reason to have faith that you’ll find the person that, for the most part, is perfect for you.

I agree with you. I was actually in his position, thinking I could change someone who told me upfront who he was. I learned to listen up when someone tells you who he or she is and accept it whether you like it or not. I feel bad for him but he had to learn his lesson and hopefully, he will with your friend. And I didn’t know Ruby and Ossie had an open relationship. Learn something new everyday.

Lots of information on why men do what they do in the new book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.” You can preview it on amazon.com; just type in “Jim Swaniger” and up it will come. My intent in writing it was to help men prepare themselves to be better partners at home, work and in the community. I welcome your comments.