Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mark Foley's scandal is pretty classic. It features all the great hallmarks of a good sex scandal. Sex, intrigue, authority figures, pictures of sixteen-year-olds erect appendages! Essentially, all the things America needs to protect. Because if we don't, the terrorists win.

But, on the serious, Foley is kinda romantic with his messages.

"how my favorite young stud doing"? Somebody is smooth.

"did you spank it this weekend yourself" Ooh, Mr. Foley! You're making us blush!

"well I have a totally stiff wood now" Congrats.

"Do I make you little horny?" Little is the correct term.

As chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, Marky Mark introduced legislation targeting online sexual predators. As he explained to an NPR interviewer in 2002, "Where I have to draw the line is using children for the excitement of those more mature people who should know the difference and know better."

Ok, we do have to defend him on this. It wasn't pedophilia. Those boys were definitely post pubescent and hot!!! Can you blame a guy for trying? According to the United States House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct, you can.

Monday, April 14, 2008

This post will go without photos, for if you have not already made a photo album in your mind for the following TV shows, then...go fight a duel. And lose it. And die. But less heroically that our dear Xander Hamilton.

(T)AHP abhors television stations.

Ah yes, they do bring some enjoyable programming; however, for them the TV shows aren't mere facets of entertainment, but lucrative deals to create moolah for the honchos as 30 Rock (not to be confused with Tina Fey's delightful sitcom.)

These stations are the man. They are the man who cancels your favorite show midway through its sixth season. They are the man who creates spin-offs that ruin the originals, but still make money. These are the man that decides to have the Fonz literally jump a shark, starting a trend of horrible plot lines that ruin incredible TV. These are the men that hog the Golden Globes, SAG Awards, and Emmys for their own shows, while denying little shows the limelight.

Here are three examples:

The Gilmore Girls. While it is true that the show-stopping team of Amy Sherman-Palladino and husband Daniel Palladino created a wonderful show, they were lured by the man into the land of Jezabel. And primetime. And non-CW/WB/UPN networks. And killed a great plot line. Lorelai had something with Luke, Rory was not lovelorn, and everything was filled with the witty banter of Sookie and Stars Hollow gang. But when the man got full control of the show, he turned it into a glorified OC. Where's the Kirk?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Joss Whedon makes masterpiece. Masterpiece gets tiring for programmers. The man creates a final season, and a spin-off, and bites the neck of a great TV show--(if you think of it Angel is the living dead Buffy.)

And finally, Project Runway.

If Lifetime and the Weinsteins ruin this Bravo-licious show (regardless of the fact that Top Design and Shear Genius were bad), there will be hell and yards of chiffon to pay.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Anyone who's anyone knows that Alexander was born on January 11, but the year of his birth is somewhat uncertain. Most historians now use January 11, 1755 as the date of his birth, although disagreement remains.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

We loved you on The Office as the adorable Jim Halpart. We kinda get the warm fuzzies when you look at Pam in that way that just seems like you would do anything to make her smile.

But we just like this:

We would knit him tons of scarves.

and we can forgive the fact that he's a Red Sox fan and we're totally Yankees.

He supports our theory that Brown University has all the hot boys (class of '02)! And he has a degree in playwrighting. (Fun fact about your bloggers: we once co-wrote a play about dead gerbils. Future post? Comment if you want it.) Nevermind. Brown boys are hot. And mature.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Once upon a time and a land called Lobbying, there lived a ambitious, successful man by the name of Jack Abramoff. Lil' Jackie lived a pleasant life. At Beverly Hills high school where he was a champion weight lifter and, according to the gospel of NPR, a bully. He also found his way to Judaism through the film of Fiddler on the Roof. He gave back to cinema as well, by helping to write an anti-communist action film entitled Red Scorpion that included this little chestnut:

Dewey Ferguson: Man, what I'd give for a bacon-cheeseburger right now. Wash it down with an ice cold glass of beer. Fuckin' A.

Kallunda: When we arrive at Porto Silva, there will be a celebration, and much feasting. Beer too.

Dewey Ferguson: Fuckin' A!

Lt. Nikolai: Do the americans all swear so much as you do?

Dewey Ferguson: As a matter of fact, in America, an American can swear whenever, wherever, however much he or she fuckin' well pleases! It's a little something we call freedom of speech, which I'm sure you Russians aren't real familiar with!

Speed up many years later, where Jack-Jack is a powerful lobbyist and, what many would consider, a balla. That is evidenced by the way he rocks a fedora.

He was gracing sky boxes 'round the world and his own restaurant. But that would all come crashing down when he was investigated for corruption for, y'know, giving people the sky box visits and trips to his restaurant. He's now doing about 5 years in the big house. But out of the myriad of reasons to love him, our favorite is that he's in a pepetual state of, "Oops, y'all."

Jack Abram off? But I hardly know Abram! And I would probably only let him get to second base.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Friday, April 4, 2008

The lovely vestige of current-day pop culture, American Idol, celebrated an American icon with its theme this week—Dolly Parton. And as I watched each contestant respectively butcher or breathe life into songs from her remarkable songbook, culminating the next night with their group number, “9 to 5,” my mind went reeling back to one of the best films ever made… “9 to 5,” of course.

Now this movie is known for its humor, well-played by the lesbian comedienne Lily Tomlin, respected actress Jane Fonda, and the singer-turned-actress Dolly Parton. With such a cast, where can you go wrong?

Well…nowhere! These three women conquer the working world, and their boss, with the assistance of dream sequences, pot-smoking, and cartoon rabbits. It is hard to imagine at what point this movie isn’t hilarious.

Now, while it’s easy to dismiss a movie like this as kitsch, it really deserves its recognition as an Oscar-nominated film (granted, for Dolly Parton’s wonder song that opens the film.)

The film really is a blend of different types of comedy. There is the satire in the dream sequences: Lily Tomlin envisions poisoning the boss as a Snow White, Dolly Parton ropes him like a bull in a truly cowboy-manner, and Jane Fonda is very femme fatale as a spy hunting a boss-man.

But then there is situational comedy: Lily Tomlin getting pulled over by the police while returning a stolen corpse to the hospital. Jane Fonda shooting at the boss with Dolly’s pistol.

And finally there is irony: The boss’ wife finding her husband in bondage, while he simply tosses it up to exercising. Jane Fonda having to reject the husband she’s separated from, all so she can continue to keep the boss prisoner.

And honestly, its just funny when poison is confused for artificial sweetener. The movie even has drunk secretaries, old men playing a Mr. Magoo role, and black women quipping in their diva-licious manner.

Beyond that, the movie now has achieved a cult-status. It’s the movie of gay men and feminists alike. It also captures the late ‘70’s perfectly. It is Mary Tyler Moore in feature-film form. It is big glasses, pastel color, and everything else that typifies that era.

And really, think about it. What’s better than Lily Tomlin.

Or Jane Fonda.

Or…Dolly Parton.

(Btw: Recent developments mean that this movie will be reinterpreted for BROADWAY. With music and lyrics by Dolly Parton, and a cast that includes the Lovely Allison Janney, this will prove to be spectacular.)

Thursday, April 3, 2008

And for your blogging pleasure, a slightly incredible tidbit of info about Alexander Hamilton:

Did you know that Presidents and Governors are not the only politicians to have sex scandals? Well, by golly, it's true!

Alexander Hamilton's career and reputation were (almost) destroyed when he was involved with Maria Reynolds. Things got ugly when her husband found out. The husband, when convicted of counterfeiting, told James Monroe and Aaron Burr. Rumors spread and Hamilton told everyone about his dirty little did, that he indeed had sexual affairs with that woman. He almost dueled Monroe because of it! But Aaron Burr stepped in, and calmed him down...

Hamilton from that day forward dueled a lot apparently. But not to worry, the American public has forgiven him.

Besides, it's not like FDR and JFK (who are on other bits of currency) had their own affairs. Pfft.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Ah, this beloved cancelled show is literally overflowing with sex gods. The maturely immature jokes and sly wit (literally, every time we watch it, we find something different.) makes our heart sing and our brains pound. This magical show isn't tricky, it's an illusion! Trust us, if you're not watching this show, you're making a huge mistake. We cannot wait until 2009 for the upcoming movie, and are hoping for some hot cousin-on-cousin action.

Here is, in our humble, obsessed opinion, here are our top-ranked Arrested Development that we want to make pop-pop in the attic with.

10.) Tony Hale as Buster

Mmm, what do we love more than an emotionally stunted, Oedipus-like, captain-hook handed, Liza Minnelli-dating Buster?

"Make love in your own hand, Mother!"

"I decided to sleep in the car so my snoring wouldn't bother you. And I left that recording of my snoring so you wouldn't know I'm gone."

Lindsay: You’ve had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean.Buster: Okay, okay, okay.(Pauses)Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land.

9.) Alia Shawkat as Maeby

What isn't endearing about a young girl who possibly has a crush on her possibly not blood related cousin. How about a girl who asks people to marry her as a way of distraction? Or maybe a girl who pretends to be a wheel-chaired twin, Shirley, who has a fatal case of a bull-shit illness, "B.S."?

The only way to describe his narration is teeming with sexuality. Oh, the erotic way he says, 'Next time, on Arrested Development' sends shivers down our collective spines.

GOB: Well, I will tell you this, Michael... I don’t have a son...

Narrator: He does.

G.O.B.: But if I ever do, I’m either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I’m going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I’m taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator: G.O.B. was growing up.

7.) David Cross as Tobais

Possibly the most amusing character on the whole damn show. Never without the non-sequiters, at one point they brilliant writers pulled off an entire arc where he pretended to be his version of Mrs. Doubtfire, Mrs. Featherbottom. Never mind the never ending repressed homosexual jokes. If the show was an entire half hour of Tobias sitting in a room, I would watch. Thankfully, they're more creative than that. We hope we can get this Never-nude to change his ways.

"Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse."

Tobias: OK, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over? An analyst and a therapist--the world's first analrapist.Lindsay: Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards

Tobias: I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I'm afraid i have something of a mess on my hands.

6.)Jeffery Tambor as George Sr.

This man (both Tambor and George Sr.) is a genius. The inventor of the poorly constructed/thought-out/marketed product ever: The Cornballer. He spends much of the first season in jail and later breaks out, to be confused for his twin brother, Oscar- the one who got the hair in his family.

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.George Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

5.) Jessica Walter as Lucille

Mrs. Lucille Bluth loves all her children equally, but doesn't care for Gob. Never without a drink in her hand and a skirted suit on, Lucille Bluth is known for quite a few things, seldom printable on a 'family blog.'

Oh, Michael, honey. I want to cry so bad. But I don't think I can spare the moisture.

I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub, it’s the only reason you’re here, too.

I can't stand overly dramatic people. They make me want to light myself on fire.

4.) Will Arnett as Gob

What's the best part about Gob? Is it that creamy voice? They way he leaves paper bags in the freezer marked: 'Dead Dove. Do Not Eat?' The fact that the final countdown plays everytime our favorite magician starts a show? Nope, our favorite has to be his black puppet, Franklin.

"Don't call my escorts whores."

"And that is why Jesus was often referred to as the King of Kings. Queens. The King of Queens."

3.) Portia Del Rossi as Lindsay

Lindsay is the hottest rich girl married to a possibly gay nevernude ever.Period.

I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

2. ) Jason Bateman as Michael

So, we're fairly certain that we just in love with Jason Bateman. In everything. Including Teen Wolf Too.

Michael: (To George Michael) Hey, why don't you pop a tent in front withyour cousin Maeby. Well, this is a good chance foryou to rub off on her. Her? You know, the feeling that you're FEELING is just what many of us call... a feeling.

1.) Michael Cera as George Michael

And we're definatly in love with Michael Cera. For the past three or so years, we have constructed an intricate alternate universe in which we are dating, and destined to marry Mr. Cera. (Our children's names are Daisy and Jack, by the way.)Our love runs deep for this boy who will eventually get his own page- we're waiting so we can do him justice. But we first fell in love with him as awkward teen George Michael. And its pretty clear why:

Michael: What do you think of when you hear the word Sudden Valley?George Michael: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.Michael: Right. But Paradise Gardens...George Michael: Yeah. Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that.

I bought you a wedding ring... tone.

Michael: Keep in mind, we are building something that is not only for our kids, it's also for George Michael and Maeby's kids too.George Michael: We can't have kids. What's the matter? What are you saying? It's not even an option, really.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

One of the most only violent episodes in senate history took place in 1856. The scene? A dimly lit-old senate chamber, in which Preston S. Brooks, a representative and a fierce carrier of a walking cane, was pissed off. He had vowed to get vengeance of Charles Sumner of Massachusetts. (See, back in the ye olde days, they were all about avenging.

The back story is Charlie Sumner gave a speech against slavery insinuating something about Brooks' cousin and whatever and

BOOM!

Preston S. Brooks is on top of Charlie Sumner, and not in the fun way.More in the caning way.

Now, keep in mind that this is 1856. This was no plastic, or marble, jewel-encrusted pimp cane. It was wood. We're going to guess that you most likely live in the 21st century (unless The Alexander Hamilton Project is the only thing extraterrestrials have to study human life. In that case, hi!) You might not never have seen a wooden cane. But just trust us: cylinders that splinter as they hit you? They hurt.

They eventually pulled Mr. Brooks off, but not before rendering Sumner unconcious.

Most people consider this a precourser to the Civil War. (T)AHP also consider this amusing.