Achy. Again.

I’ve had two RA flares in 24 hours, two weather fronts have moved through in 24 hours.

I promised myself, on January first, that I was done with spending so much of my time and energy in all things RA.

That I wanted to get on with my life. That I wanted to garden and hike and create art and spend time with those I love the most and move RA into the background.

These two flares were certainly no worse than the ones I’ve had all month. They were not nearly as bad as the ones a year ago. And I’m much, much, much better than 2 years ago.

I was achy, I was stiff, I was swollen but I could function and there wasn’t anything I had to do. It was Saturday, and my time was my own. I had a new book, I could laze around and relax.

And I did, I read and drank hot tea, texted, and read blogs, planned the garden, played with the bird and when I was too achy to hold my head up to read, I went to bed and slept until the storm had passed and the flare was over.

But I didn’t enjoy it. I was mad and scared and in tears most of the day. I wanted to be outside hiking. I wanted to be making art. I wanted to be cleaning up the garden – it’s time to plant in NC. I even wanted to do my taxes.

I know that, when a flare comes, the best think I can do is lay low, do little, until it passes. I’ve learned to ask for help. I’ve learned the house/dishes/laundry can wait. I’ve learned that hot pads and ice packs are my friends. I’ve learned that the sauna is great (and I want one at home). I’ve learned the miracle that is Advil. I’ve learned to take care of me, physically. When I do that, I bounce right back. My body needs to rest. Activity makes everything worse.

I have learned this lesson, and I still don’t like it. It makes me mad, it makes me sad, it fills me with fear.

Seems I still have some work to do. I’ve figured out how to take care of myself physically, when I’m flaring. Now I need to learn how to take care of myself emotionally.

The irony is that, under normal circumstances, if I had spent the day reading instead of doing the taxes, I would have enjoyed the guilty pleasure of it all. I guess the difference is being able to choose.

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Your blog is one of my favorites. Even when you are feeling down, I take so much from your words. As I read, I imagined your reading, drinking your hot tea, reading blogs, texting, etc. You did so many good things for yourself, yet it still isn’t a choice, is it? That is the difference and that is what is hard to deal with. I think for me, the emotional side of illness is always tricky. I think I have it figured out, yet the cycle of fear and frustration keeps repeating itself. However, each time it gets a little better. Keep holding on to the visions of everything you want to do. It will come. I really believe that. Sending gentle hugs and healing thoughts to you today.