Balancing Self-Acceptance & Self-Improvement

There’s no crying in Jump Rope.

I’ve been doing a bit of an experiment lately. I decided not to post anything the past (two?) weeks and just work on myself without making a spectacle out of it on my blog.

I started back on SparkPeople, tracked most of my food, and hey, I lost 2.5 pounds. Normally, I’d be all “Seriously?! That’s bullshit!” but considering I’ve been gaining that much every two weeks since December, I’ll take it.

Saturday, I spent the whole day with my 9-year-old cousin. She woke me up at 7:30 to see if I’d take her to Chuck E. Cheese. Uhhh.. no. I did, however, teach her how to wash a car and took her to get ice cream and she said she had way more fun than she would have playing skeeball. And for a hell of a lot cheaper.

That afternoon, we decided to jump rope. She decided for me, really. I wowed the crowds (her, my grandma, my mom. you know.) with my amazing jump roping abilities. My cousin is teeny tiny, pretty athletic, and I still out jumped her. She was shocked. I was shocked. I was trying to beat my record of 38 (to her 21! ha!) when the worst thing in the world happened.

The plastic rope hit my toes on the way under me. It stung, so my reaction was to curl my toes up.

Then I landed on my curled up toes. All 300 pounds of me. I’m pretty sure the top knuckle on my right pointer toe doesn’t exist anymore.

Needless to say, that put an end to our jumping. It was either the pain or me screaming OH FUCK OH FUCK HOLY SHIT IM DYING at a 3rd grader. One of the two.

Anyway, I think I’m back to blogging now. I’ve been pretty active on SparkPeople this week. I missed that place. That’s where I first started blogging.

I start my 3-11 shift today. I’m officially one of the big kids at work. This means I’ll probably be blogging at this time of day instead of my preferred night blogging.

I just had a panic attack because it’s 12:40 and oh my god why am I blogging I need to get going.

Uh, I don’t need to leave until 2:35 at the latest. I’m nuts.

I’ve thought about moving this blog in a slightly different direction. I’m currently working on myself not only physically but spiritually and financially, as well. I’m really considering going to see a Spiritual Abuse therapist because my view of God is so messed up from my old churches that I feel like I can’t get better on my own. This is a big deal for me. I don’t do therapy very well. When Brittani died, I spent a lot of time with the school counselor, but I just talked about her dog the whole time. Projection is my favorite defense mechanism.

I’m also broke as hell. Somehow, all of my bills came due the same week this week. I have no clue how this happened. After taxes and insurance, I make about $500 per pay (I know). My bills came to $440. Then I realized yet another student loan bill came out of grace period and I had $148 due today. Whoops. There goes my credit, ’cause I can’t pay it until two weeks from now. It’s a private loan that I stupidly took out for the first two years of my four-year Georgia vacation. Nothing can be done about it. No deferment or anything. Ugh.

I’m reading Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s book (I caption her show from time to time at work. I’m a fan of her) and incorporating a bit of Dave Ramsey into it and looking to get everything but my car and student loan paid off within the next three years. I need somewhere to vent about that.

This morning, I was making my usual scrambled eggs for breakfast and one of the eggs was full of blood. I’m done with eggs forever. Oh my god.

So. That’s it for today. I need to go find something to do with my remaining hour and a half before work. Maybe I should call Wells-Fargo? Nah.