Christianity is just about being real. We all have feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, lusts, desires, joys, sadness, likes, dislikes, opinions and ideas. God is familiar with all of them. I have always wanted to start a men's group in my home with the name "Beer, Barbecue and Bible Study". I'm not sure the church community is ready for it just yet.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Alone

Another week has come and gone and I "feel" like nothing has happened. Damn feelings... while they are real, they mean nothing, except they are feelings. In reality, I can look back and see some of the steps I took to make something out of my life this past week. I finally started to catch on to some of the missing pieces in my Algebra assignments, and I learned how to (basically) use my new graphing calculator.
SO.....rah.

I am still so frustrated and I don't exactly know why. Seems like everything is bugging me. Everything. I got to thinking today. Maybe I'm just missing Dad. He was always around to talk to. And now he's not. So I find myself a bit directionless, somewhat out there on my own, and missing him very much. I guess it's part of the greiving process. It's been a while since I had a really bad day. Today's been that day.

I don't normally like travelling alone. Last trip I took to DC, I was there for 2 days before I talked to a soul. I had no conversation with anyone until Monday when I met with someone other than the one I flew up there to meet with. Seemed like somewhat of a wasted trip. It's incredible how in a city with millions of people, I didn't engage a single one of them in any meaningful conversation.
Just stuck to myself.

So I am going to San Diego in a couple of weeks and I am looking forward to it. Maybe I need some peace and quiet again. No one to interrupt my dinner to sit on my lap, no one to interrupt the show I'm watching, I don't have to block out conversation to listen to TV, and I can eat what I want, stay up as late as I want, and get ready in the morning on my own time. Sheesh... I sound like a grouch. Lately everything's been getting on my nerves.....I really think I'm just missing my dad.

I am even letting poor Izzy get on my nerves. She doesn't know any better, and she just wants to be near me. I usually love her all over me, but today, she's on my nerves. I remember the breif few months Linda and I had by ourselves. Audrey had left the house, the boys were doing their thing, and it was just her and I . Empty nesters... it didn't last long. But I long for those days again. I know it will be hard on both Izzy and me when Audrea decides to get a place of her own, but eventually it will happen. I am not looking forward to the separation, but I know it will be ok when it happens. And it will be just me and Linda again....that will be nice.

I miss having an office space I could get away to on my own. All the bedrooms here are ...well.. bedrooms. I need to fix the little room in the garage with an A/C vent for the summer and convert it to an office. Then I'll have a little domain of my own again. I hope.

I need a place to be creative, a place to be alone, a place I can think without interruption. My room is not sacred anymore. I can't even lock the door because people will open it anyway. Damn.

This is not a good mood.

Later..... I thought I lost this post. I was thinking maybe I wasn't supposed to post it. Nah....it was a good rant. Feeling better though. Watched a stupid movie with the girls (Cellular) wouldn't recommend it. It might make a good movie for Mystery Science Theater though.