I'm really nervous for yom tov. I had a simcha recently, and it really didn't go well, what with all the food being served and everything. I purged a lot, even though I'd really been better. Now all the yamim tovim are coming up = tons and tons and tons of food and I get nauseous just thinking of it all. I don't know how I'll managed through it.Also, I'll be home for most of the day, taking care of the kids, which also makes it harder. When I get out, it's obviously easier to distract myself, but being stuck at home makes it much much worse. I honestly don't know how to deal with this one, and it's upsetting because I've been doing better for the most part (besides for the simcha, as I've mentioned).

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I haven't been on here recently because I haven't been doing that great and I've been really busy with school but I'm so stressed about this holiday I came on just to see if anyone else was having issues as well. I'm so anxious right now to the extreme. I have the opposite "problem"- I WANT to stay home and not go out anywhere! I'm especially dreading going to synagogue. It's too bad we don't live closer or I could watch your kids for you and you could get out some! I'd love to have an excused to have to be home (and sounds like you'd love to be able to get out).

I'm also really stressed about the meals. My heart (and brain) is like going a million a minute and my hands are all shaky.

The worst is I fear my family thinks I'm exaggerating how I feel and just trying to use my eating disorder as an excuse to be in a crabby mood and try to get out of doing stuff. I wish there was some way for them to feel even for a second what I'm feeling right now (that sounds so much worse then how I mean it).

I did... not so well. The meals were really hard for me. I guess I won't go into detail, but I really don't know how I'm going to manage the rest of the holidays coming up. But I am just plain relieved to be through with this one (in the food sense. I know there is so much more to Rosh Hashana, but since this is an eating disorder forum, I'm just writing about the food part, obviously). Mostly, though, after holidays and things like that, I feel like I have no self-control. Not with eating, and not with purging (duh). Everything just seems to have a march of its own, and just goes and goes and goes. And I know it doesn't mean that everything I've been doing to get better has gone down the drain, but it just so seems like that - especially The Night After. Now.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Only on here for a second, have to get back to studying like crazy....I was very fortunate and my Rosh Hashana ended up going fine. I was able to stick to my meal plan pretty well. This past week was actually the best one I've had all month as far as food stuff goes. I'm still very much glad it's over with. And still very much not looking forward to the holidays coming up.

Sorry to hear yours didn't go so well I totally know what you mean about the self control thing. That's mostly what I was most afraid of. You said the night after is really rough; how are you doing today?

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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Whew!So, the yamim tovim are over. I made it through them much better than I thought I would. It was frustrating at times - obsessing about food and obsessing about food a bit more, and trying my hardest not to purge it, but I made it through. Now we're back to normal...

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

I don't know what is happening with me. I think that over the yamim tovim I was very aware that it was going to be very hard for me, so I tried extra hard to be good. I wasn't perfect (duh) but I think I was pretty good.These last few days though, have been far from. I've been slipping up pretty badly. And now... my psychiatrist is starting to wean me off of Topomax. Topomax is a mood stabilizer that has a side effect of weight loss. I ended up purging more often today than I usually do, and I'm so afraid of that becoming a pattern - just cuz I'm afraid I'll gain back the weight now that I'll no longer be on the Topomax. Are my thoughts all jumbled? I feel like they are. I feel all jumbled and confused.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

They are all jumbled. You have an eating disorder. At least you realize it doesn't make sense.

I think I kind of know what you're talking about.

I did pretty well over the holidays and now I'm starting to freak out a bit. I'll do well and then I'll skimp on stuff to compensate.

My doc threatened to take me off some of my meds if I start losing weight again. Did your doc take you off yours because of the weight loss side effect?

I don't think you'll gain weight just because the meds were stopped. I'm sure there's some lil part in you that knows that. Just the eating disorder smothers those thoughts. Sucks. I'm constantly arguing with myself in my head.

Talk with your doc about your fears from being taken off the meds. Or have you? And if so, was she/he able to suggest anything for you to be able to cope a little better?

Sorry, I guess I should've given a little more background. I'm on a different mood stabilizer besides the Topomax, and I'm only on a very low dosage of the Topomax, but I like it because of it's weight loss effects. Yes, my doc is taking me off it because of those effects. She's been planning to do it for a while, only didn't because of all the action going on between the holidays and the simcha I had. She didn't want me to start purging more because of her taking me off it.... So we've been talking about it for a while, and I knew it was coming, so it's really not a surprise to me at all. I'm really trying to be calm about it and tell myself that it's not a big deal - but to me it seems like EVERYTHING. Stupid line of thought. I'm just so desperate not to gain any weight... I HATE myself over this.

Thanks for understanding how I feel about the holidays. I know I should feel elated that I did okay, but I don't. I feel yucky instead. But I hope you have more strength than me and keep up how you were doing....

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

I guess I'll just continue on this thread, even though it's not the holidays anymore, just cuz I don't feel like starting a new one.

Things are getting much harder. I've been purging more often, and obsessing non-stop about it. It's probably tied in to other things that are going on in my life now - mainly, my unhappiness at work. Things are really not going well there - and I guess to me it seems like my weight is the only thing that is "going well" for me. My main concern now is my obsession with it. It's been a while since it's been so bad - on my head all day and night. And I'm starting to show physical signs of it - bite marks and puffy eyes - something I never had before. It's bad. I feel so stuck - and so lonely. Nobody who I speak to (not all that many people) understands what I'm going through, being that they never went through it themselves. I'm seeing my p.doc tomorrow, and she said she'll give me a prescription for bloodwork, and based on the results, I may need to go inpatient. I really, really don't want that (duh). I'm really clueless as to what to do next, how to handle this.

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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Down and out,Do you have a therapist as well as a psychiatrist? I apologize if you gave that info and i missed it, but I only noticed you mentioning meds. If you are not seeing a therapist, I think it could help regarding eating, self loathing/judgment and control issues.a lynn

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