The Dark One

Recap

There is all kinds of fighting going on at the beginning. Ash is shocked to learn about Ruby writing the book, but before they can get into the details, Deadite Amanda arrives to make funnies.

She starts wreaking havoc while Pablo tries to get the book skin off his face. Poor dear is struggling, but the face starts talking to Kelly, warning her that Pablo belongs to him now.

In the living room, Amanda is using the chainsaw against Ash, who is using his nifty hand from the kids to hold it by the whirring blade. Very useful, that hand. Heather is shocked to shit to see Ash lock and load the chainsaw onto his arm in place of the hand, and he guts Deadite Amanda while she turns back into regular ol' Amanda, of course.

While all of that was going on, Pablo was dragged into the basement of hell.

Damn. Falling into that basement really was crazy. Ash falls into it and is on his bead. Lily, to whom he read from the necromonicon, is beside him. Ruby is in his living room and she's telling him about the time he appeared in her book. He's destined to go up against her, but his ending hasn't been written yet. In a split second she offers him an out. He doesn't take it and plummets to the floor.

Kelly tries shooting the hatch open and it bleeds. Heather is now freaking. Kelly just wants to save her friends. Then heather notices cockroaches climbing out of her shorts. And if that's not enough to drive anyone nuts, what is? The cabin is only fuckin' with her.

The cabin kicks Kelly's ass right out the door, leaving Heather left locked inside. It feels a little bit like the haunted house episode of You're the Worst this past Halloween.

Pablo is giving mouth birth to creatures that are growing up too damn fast. Ruby is speaking to the little freak who then climbs out of the basement through the dirt.

Kelly is trying break her way back into the cabin, but it's busy trying to kill Heather. The couch lands right onto her broken leg and nails shoot into her face, followed by more coming up through her feet until she's sucked into a red hallway, screaming.

Heather's body parts are suddenly spit out of the house and at Kelly's feet.

The creepy kid walks up on Ash and he appropriately responds, making this writer laugh out loud. No, seriously. I laughed out loud. Ash ultimately shot the kid's mouth out with a shotgun. Yes.

Kelly sets the cabin on fire from outside while Ash gets into the basement and starts shotgun blasting Ruby. The cabin relents and Kelly gets in. A creepy kid runs past and she heads down the hatch. Masked Pablo is fighting Ash. Poor bastard.

Ruby wants evil under control, she says. She swears that's all she wants. Should we believe her? She holds out the post card to Ash. Take the deal. She makes sure that Kelly and Ash stop killing each other. However, Kelly and Pablo think it's a bad deal. Ash wants a normal life for the three of them in Jacksonville, plus the knife and gas money. He takes the post card, the book flies off of Pablo's face and they're on their way to Jacksonville.

On their way to Jacksonville, there is an emergency alert on the radio. Stay in your homes. Massive sinkholes are opening all over the...Ash turns it off. Her's just smiling his ass off. He puts on AC/DC, they drive down the dirt road and as Back in Black plays a massive sinkhole opens behind them.