Category Archives: Christy’s Musings

Due to the…um… unfortunate accident involving Gregory and Lulu, relations between the vampire community and the shapeshifters has grown rather tense? Strained?

What rubbish! The truth is those furballs want recompense for the “accident” even though Lulu participated of her own free will. I mean, she actually recorded her permission. But does that matter?

Apparently not.

Lulu says she changed her mind, that she did not mean to record her participation, that she is an innocent victim, a victim of circumstances, a young pup caught up trying to impress the older man…

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

So now those upstarts want payment in terms of our website. Or name domain. You are el?

Ye gods! My head hurts merely thinking about the situation.

So instead of being here, in this piece of non-existent space, The Vampire Handbook will move to a new, non-existent place that is not a real cloud in the actual sky. Lucky for us, the fairies owe us a favor or three. They created this new place, vampire.wegrok.net, where you will find The Vampire Handbook starting on Friday, August 24.

Though it might be there now. According to Jennifer, all the older entries have been moved over. At exactly midnight tonight, the werewolves take over. I have no idea what will happen here, other than they agreed to leave up the “We’re leaving” message for a minimum of 60 days. After that, who knows what the furballs will do.

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Right, I have received several emails asking me about my name. Many hint around the question; many think that they are hinting though I must tell you that subtly it becoming a lost art; still others ask me outright – “How can your name be ‘Christy’? Isn’t that a bit modern for you?”

Ye, gods! You almost sound like Juliet during the balcony scene:

What’s <Christy>? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

But more to the point, asking a vampire about her name under most circumstances equals asking to have either your tongue or head removed.

Luckily for you, this is not most circumstances.

Per the request of our Vampire Kings, I will instruct you about vampires and their names.

When a human becomes a vampire, they have the option to either retain their birth name, or get a new name immediately. In my experience, about half choose the keep their old name and about half want a new one to symbolize their new life.

After a hundred years or so, every vampire feels the need to remove themselves from their past. Usually, this need arises from the fact that we are all basically human and we make stupid mistakes during the beginning of our life as a vampire. I mean, no one wants to be known as Lola, the girl who accidentally ate the local duke and caused a riot against vampires.

Unlike humans, we change our names due to either circumstances, major alterations in our life affairs, or sheer boredom. Some vampires I know have a schedule which plots out all of their name changes for the next thousand years. A few keep the same name through every occasion, harping ad naseum about their devotion and fealty as demonstrated in their consistency with names. Most of us, though, cherish our names and change them only upon some external impetus.

As for my current name, I assure you that “Christy” was not the name under which I entered this world. But during World War 2, I wished to make a statement about my beliefs. So, Christy I became and Christy I will be until I choose otherwise.

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Ye, gods! I find it difficult to concentrate on creating this handbook when every time I turn around I feel pounded by all the political crap that you humans generate every time you elect a new president. Or a new senator. Or new toy. Or new dish soap.

I understand the lure of the Internet to spread your ideas, opinions, thoughts, and beliefs . Am I not contributing to a handbook about vampires? But this ability to inundate the world needs to be tempered with the knowledge to restrain yourself as well.

Did Shakespeare not say, “Methinks the lady protests too much”?

Well, that is how I view the people who carry on, interjecting themselves into every conversation regardless of the relevance of their input. If you truly believe something, state it once in your own blog, and then Move. On.

I learned that we vampires have something in common with most geeks? I think that is what you call people who are knowledgeable about the Internet and its social protocols. We both call people with these issues the same epithet – trolls.

Of course, I personally met a few real troll in my time. Nasty creatures, honestly, and so smelly that I burned my clothes afterwards. Like today’s trolls, those trolls followed people around, complaining about the weather, the daytime, the nighttime, anything that would annoy people into throwing food, clothing, even coins at the trolls. If the offering passed the test, the trolls left, bound to another area to bother other people.

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I must apologize for the absence of posts of late. Two weeks ago, there was an …., well, an accident at our abode. It involved heavy whipping cream, rope, a plunger, two guinea pigs, strawberry jello, a couple of monkey wrenches, an old vampire, a new werewolf, and an ancient bet. Needless to say, it did not turn out well for anyone, and we lost power for a few days. Then it took about a week to find all the jello and we are still missing one of the guinea pigs.

The Vampire Handbook will return next Monday with our new weekly schedule.

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I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post. I heard that it wasn’t, well, introduce-y enough. The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.

The Vampire Handbook is just want you think. We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this. But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore. That still takes getting used to – I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.

Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying. Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first? And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?

Where was I again? Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.

The human population need not fear vampires. First off, fear is never a productive emotion. I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such. But really – we’ve lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far. Why get worried not? Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?

Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans. Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board. But we do not need to take blood from you. In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.

Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?

Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week. You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.