“…any food product that feels compelled to tell you it’s natural in all likelihood is not.”—-Michael Pollan

Monday, March 8, 2010

The HoseMaster's Honest Guide to Grapes Volume 3

There are lots of facts about grape varieties, but what we're interested in on wine blogs is opinions unsupported by facts. This is the great tradition of blogging, and one I intend to uphold. Facts are so boring. This is why the Internet was created, in order to end truth once and for all. Social Media is all about muddying the truth, and that's why wineries are so intent on hiring someone to do this for them on a daily basis. But I digress. There are the bone dry facts about grape varieties--you can look them up in Jancis Robinson's brilliant book "Vines, Grapes and Wines," or you can go to Wikipedia and read the plagiarized version. But when it comes to worthless opinions, I know you look to the HoseMaster of Wine. Let's explore a few more white varieties.

VIOGNIER

There is some dispute about how to pronounce Viognier. In France, it's vee-own-yay; in Texas, vee-og-near. I'm going with the Texans cuz they're scarier and they hogtie Frenchmen and brand them. Smells a lot like chicken when they do. It wasn't that many years ago that there were but a few dozen acres of Viognier in the entire world, all of it in the Northern Rhone appellations of Condrieu (KON-dry-u in Texan) and Cote-Rotie. At the rate it's selling, in thirty years it will be back to those same dozen acres in the world. Wine pundits predicted a few years ago that Viognier would be the next Chardonnay, and they were right, except they meant that it would be a popular wine instead of yet another wine to heap scorn upon. The best thing about Viognier is how it smells. The same is true for a leather thong. And the consumer knows that when he purchases a Viognier he can be absolutely certain that there is little chance he'll like it, though it does make a terrific gag gift.

Interesting facts about Viognier:

There is a long tradition in Cote-Rotie of mixing Viognier with Syrah in order to give the wines some aromatic character when they're young. In the New World, Viognier is added to natural gas to let you know when you have a leak.The name "Viognier" is thought to derive from the Austrian city of Vienna, and refers to the men who drink it having tiny little sausages.

Contrary to popular belief, Pinot Gris is not what you call the smegma that gathers if you're uncircumcised. That's Gruner Veltliner. Pinot Gris is thought to be a mutant variety of Pinot Noir because, after drinking, it often comes back to haunt you and chainsaw your children. Pinot Gris goes by a slightly different name in Italy; there it's known as Pellegrino. The best versions come from Alsace, where they used to put "Tokay" in front of the name as a tribute to their favorite Little Rascal, Buckwheat, who was a dark shade of Gris. (For a short time in the 50's you could also buy Alfalfa Pinot Blanc.) In recent years, Oregon has become the home of many Pinot Gris producers, lending credence to the theory that Oregon is where you fly over from California to get to Walla Walla.

Interesting facts about Pinot Gris:

Pinot Grigio is Italian for "print money."

Another theory holds that Pinot Gris is actually related to Ambergris. And because ambergris originates in the intestine of the sperm whale, they smell remarkably similar.

Pinot Gris is considered one of the Noble Grapes of Alsace, but this is a region that is often confused about nobility.

Other names for Pinot Gris:

Sex in a RowboatMacy GrisOregonade

CHENIN BLANC

Chenin Blanc is a variety of grape capable of producing great wines that no one cares the least bit about. In California there was a time when Charles Krug Chenin Blanc was on every wine list in every chain restaurant in the country, which singlehandedly spelled Chenin Blanc's demise. Chenin Blanc is a very versatile grape, producing wines of every type, from sparkling wines to dry wines, demi-sec wines to dessert wines. So it's the Mel Gibson of grapes--doesn't matter if he acts, directs or produces, nobody cares. However, Chenin Blanc is one of the major grapes of the Loire Valley and, in particular, Anjou. Gesundheit.

Interesting facts about Chenin Blanc:

In South Africa, Chenin Blanc is known as Steen. In Germany it's known as Frankensteen. In Austria, it's called Mary Steenburgen.

Vouvray is famous for Chenin Blanc, and, oddly, is how people with a hairlip say the last word in Hip Hip Hooray!

Chenin Blanc is mentioned by Miss Manners as being the wine to bring to a person's house for dinner to ensure that you won't be invited back.

18 comments:

ROFL - thanks, HM! Especially the bit about Viognier, though I'm pretty sure I heard someone in authority pronounce it "vug-ner" once and I have been saying it that way since.

But allow me to be so bold as to suggest alternative rationale for blogs and social media: they are all about revealing naked truths. One, that all opinions are equally unfounded. And two, that sooner or later everyone will be an idiot for 15 minutes.

I'm afraid I think of all my contributors as, in the phrase of the great MAD magazine, "the usual gang of idiots." I see this as a compliment. I still see wine bloggers as lonely poodles.

Charlie,

I know everyone has been encouraging you to start a blog, but I'm beginning to think you're better off being World's Most Famous Commenter. I just finished my fifteen minutes after the Chronicle article, and, frankly, it wasn't worth it. However, in my case, it was my fifteen minutes of intelligence. I'm back to full-time stupid now.

My Gorgeous Samantha does exist, and if she didn't, we would find a way to invent her.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

What do you say we both shut down our blogs and run away to Chinon? Well, after I win a Wine Blog Award. Which is a slam dunk, don't you think?

And, hey Charlie, after you pull on Samantha's bra straps, I've got a finger you can pull...

If you don't win the Wine Blog Awards then I know the whole thing is rigged. If they give it to that tree feller again I will conclude that the award is just a placebo to the masses that cannot take a little pain in their ass.

Won't take your windfall to convince me to quit blogging...getting that itch to hang it up anyway. Growing tired of the groaning of my own voice and I get to visit with you adorable people here anyway!

“There is some dispute about how to pronounce Viognier. In France, it's vee-own-yay; in Texas, vee-og-near.“ -- not to be confused (in Texas, at least…and sometimes Wisconsin) with the great 19th century operatic composer of Das Rheingold, Richard Wagner (also sometimes pronounced “Reech-urd Waag-near”). And given the bloodshed involved in the Ring Cycle, he doesn’t really go with a bright, white wine…especially considering the never-ending finish – much more appropriate with a red with endless tannins.

Chenin Blanc – Is she related to Mel? (They were all in What’s Opera, Doc?, right? [See how I tied that all Kevin Bacon-y together?!])

Pull on your finger? I doubt I want to see any part of you quiver. Thanks anyhow, but I think I will stick with Sam. You know how I feel about blondes and you, sir, are no blonde--not even a Chenin Blonde.

Wow, you're starting to sound like me, and, of course, no one means that as a compliment. And, funny coincidence, I was drinking a Das Rheingold at John and Zeke's with K. Mahoney and Kevin Bacon last night.

And when are we meeting? Spring is almost here...

Amy,

Look for my scathing review of Picpoul in another edition, soon to be published by UC Davis Press.

Alfonso,

I bow to your Texas expertise. But not in front of Heimoff. However, I do know that in Texas they pronounce Mourvedre as "more-vair-day." And congratulations on your Wine Blog Award! Oh, you didn't know. Never mind. Sorry I spoiled the surprise.

Thomas,

Vignoles is a hybrid grape and is also called "Prius 51," right?

When I was in the wine steward trade I once walked up to a table, wine list in hand, and the Southern gentleman at the table looked up at me and said, "You must be the Semillon." I told him that I was actually a Master Semillon.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

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