My Magnificent System

In these days when the streets are so perilous, every man who goes aboutthe city ought to be sure that his pockets are in good order, so thatwhen he is run down by a roaring motor-truck the police will have notrouble in identifying him and communicating with his creditors.

I have always been very proud of my pocket system. As others may wish toinstall it, I will describe it briefly. If I am found prostrate andlifeless on the paving, I can quickly be identified by the followingarrangement of my private affairs:

In my right-hand trouser leg is a large hole, partially surrounded bypocket.

In my left-hand trouser pocket is a complicated bunch of keys. I am notquite sure what they all belong to, as I rarely lock anything. They arevery useful, however, as when I walk rapidly they evolve a shrilljingling which often conveys the impression of minted coinage. One ofthem, I think, unlocks the coffer where I secretly preserve the pair ofspats I bought when I became engaged.

My right-hand hip pocket is used, in summer, for the handkerchiefreserves (hayfever sufferers, please notice); and, in winter, forstamps. It is tapestried with a sheet of three-cent engravings that gotin there by mistake last July, and adhered.

The left-hand upper waistcoat pocket holds a pencil, a commutationticket and a pipe cleaner.

The left-hand lower waistcoat pocket contains what the ignorant willesteem scraps of paper. This, however, is the hub and nerve center of mymnemonic system. When I want to remember anything I write it down on asmall slip of paper and stick it in that pocket. Before going to bed Iclean out the pocket and see how many things I have forgotten during theday. This promotes tranquil rest.

The right-hand upper waistcoat pocket is used for wall-paper samples.Here I keep clippings of all the wallpapers at home, so that when buyingshirts, ties, socks or books I can be sure to get something that willharmonize. My taste in these matters has sometimes been aspersed, so Iam playing safe.

The right-hand lower waistcoat pocket is used for small change. This isa one-way pocket; exit only.

The inner pocket of my coat is used for railroad timetables, most ofwhich have since been changed. Also a selected assortment of unansweredletters and slips of paper saying, "Call Mr. So-and-so before noon." Thefirst thing to be done by my heirs after collecting the remains must beto communicate with the writers of those letters, to assure them that Iwas struck down in the fullness of my powers while on the way to thepost office to mail an answer.

My right-hand coat pocket is for pipes.

Left-hand coat pocket for tobacco and matches.

The little tin cup strapped in my left armpit is for Swedish matchesthat failed to ignite. It is an invention of my own.

I once intended to allocate a pocket especially for greenbacks, butfound it unnecessary.