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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

If you read nothing else I ever post, read this

Two months ago a bomb exploded in the center of my life. Looking back on it, I knew something was wrong. I had been unhappy in my marriage for a long time. But I chose to listen to the voices all around me that were telling me everything was okay instead of listening to the voice inside me that was telling me something was very, very wrong.

Two months ago I was assaulted in my home by my husband. I was afraid to write about it on my own blog so instead I wrote about it on a friend’s. It was a terrifying experience both for me and the children. My husband was arrested, charged and released on bail. I have not seen him since.

Not long after he was out of the house he came under investigation for another, unrelated and more serious crime which shocked and gutted me.

I have written very little on my blog since then. I have written about feeling afraid, because I have lived in fear, often sleeping at friends’ houses or getting police escorts when I thought the situation had escalated and we might be in especial danger.

I have written about being silenced when I wanted to speak. And while I can’t talk about the criminal investigation at the moment (though I will talk openly about it once given the green light), I’ve begun to wonder who I was serving by remaining quiet about the rest of it. The domestic violence.

Domestic violence thrives in silence, after all. One in every four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime and most cases are never reported.

If you had told me six months ago I would be a victim of domestic violence, I wouldn’t have believed you. No one had ever hit me. I would never tolerate someone who badgered me, cut me down, belittled me. Those were all traits I associated with the abusive personality.

While those traits are indeed reflective of some abusers, they are certainly not true of all. I’ve had quite an education on the abusive personality in the last two months and what it comes down to is this: control. Someone who is abusive will figure out the best means of controlling another person, be it financially, through intimidation, guilt, blaming or use of children. They are master manipulators.

There is volumes of information available on the web about domestic violence and I won’t try to duplicate it here. If you or someone you know is in danger, I urge you to seek help immediately. If you are not sure how to get help for yourself or another, start with these links.

That was me, right before I walked out the door, and that was the sound I heard in the background as I waited, ears pricked, senses heightened, because I knew, I knew, I knew something was going to blow.

For me, domestic violence was the tip of the iceberg. I’ve now been told I need to prepare for the worst. To batten down the hatches. To ready the house for sale. That when charges are filed this will hit the media and life could get rocky for me and the kids. Understatement.

For the longest time I have been afraid to speak. But I am tired of running and I am tired of sitting in silence. And when so much has already been lost, the risk of speaking out takes on a slighter weight.

Now I stand here, the bomb has been detonated in the middle of my life and the landscape forever changed. My marriage is over. My children have effectively lost their father. Gone is the certainty of my own home, my financial security. I don’t yet know what I will be left with when the dust settles, but I imagine it will be this: my children, a circle of good friends and my writing. And I can live with that. Because in the end, what remains is what was aligned with my heart in the first place.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, please know this. You should never live in fear of speaking your truth. You should never be afraid to be yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable being 100% yourself in your relationship, please, please, think long and hard about why you are there.

Know that everything you do, your children are absorbing. If you are allowing your spirit to be crushed, you are teaching your children to live that way. If you are choosing to break free and let your spirit soar, you are teaching your children that as well.

Everyone deserves to be free. Everyone deserves to sleep peacefully at night. Everyone deserves to know the joy of open expression. Every woman. Every child. Every man.

You are so right on everything you articulated. I am glad you have found your strength and can reach out to others who, as I type, are in the same cycle of hell. Bravo to you and as always much love. oxo

This is an incredibly brave post and I wish you strength and stamina in getting through what lies ahead. We are always here to (virtually, at least) support and encourage you to be - and remain - free of such oppression.

You are an incredible woman and mother. I hope your family are offering support because nobody should have to go through this alone. Keep going. The tunnel is dark and long but there is light at the end of it. Promise.

My heart aches for you and your gorgeous kids. No-one should have to live with fear and it's one of the shames of our world that so many women and children do live this way, afraid of speaking out, afraid of staying and yet too afraid to leave.Kudos to you, girl -- you've done (are doing) a really bloody hard thing.... but you're doing it. Bit by bit.xxx

what you're going through sounds extreme and so, so hard. my heart goes out to you.

i also greatly respect what you have written, being a survivor of DV can be so hard when the rest of the world thinks he (or she) was Mr Perfect but they have no idea what happens behind closed doors, and not everyone has bruises to show for it. but the damage is done and the mental scars remain.

i can't even express what i want to say to you so a *big hug* in its place x

wow! i myself have been abused in a previous relationship, it took me 6 years to get out of it, and im so greatful and glad that i did! you are a strong woman!its voices like ours that need to be heard.take carex

I finally get around to checking out your blog after numerous recommendations and this the first blog post i get to read. I am blown away by it. By the writing, which is incredible. By the topic, which is so taboo. And by your bravery, grace and spirit, in sharing your story with us. Thank you.

Bloody amazing. I'm sitting here shaking my head at everything that has happened. And honestly, I am so very glad that you have spoken about this. Here. On your blog, where you are known and well loved already. Your voice will reach into the hearts and consciences of other important individuals reading, who need your strength and the light of your lantern guiding the way to help them with their own huge decisions.

"You should never live in fear of speaking your truth. You should never be afraid to be yourself." That goes for many areas of life. It's hard being the voice of taboo ... or the one holding the hand of he who speaks that others would rather ignore. Keep speaking up.

From the GOFA and I, our wishes for peace and harmony in your lives again. XXX

i am proud of you for finding the force to get the message out there for others. too many are still silent. no one has to be! there are many places and people women can turn to, but the shame and guilt the abusers instill is too big sometimes to make it possible to reach out. talking about it, everywhere, is the best way to help. yourself and others. great post. stay safe, dear woman!

kristin,I have just read your gut renching story and i am so sorry for what you went through i went through something simalir(sorry bout spelling)but that was before i was married this was my ex. I was bashed to a pulp ,mentally&physically abussed,raped & stabbed this was 25 yrs ago and i was only bout 17 now i am 39 . I do still need to see someone about it as he has found me again and is causing trouble with now my hub who is really ill.Hugs again hun xxxx

Powerful words.And as a child who grew up in an abusive home THANKYOU on behalf of your children. They may not understand just yet how hard your decision was, how terrifiying and just how much you spared them in being so strong and leaving.

Your words will no doubt touch someone else out there who might be at the same place in their life. Good for you for speaking out, being strong, not succumbing to fear, and moving forward out of the ashes to rebuild and grow stronger. You will be a guide to your children. Stay safe and know you have support. XO

I am so glad that you have decided to speak about it! You are right! We should not be silent! (As in some way it reflects something about you! No way! The other party is the guilty one, the perpetrator!)I used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, and my daughter (the teen) and I are still very much afraid of the X. But he is not part of our lives, and never will be again. It has been a very difficult and hard way to get out of there, but it was worth it, over and over again...Best of wishes! Yay for speaking out!

You continue to amaze me. You are a brave, strong woman! Instead of staying silent and hiding you are using your experience to help others- and doing it with your beautiful words.I am so glad to know you, Kristin.

I am just getting to my comments now. Thank you for your beautiful words. This was a hard post to write and an even harder one to publish. But it's so much better than swallowing my words. Thank you for your amazing support.

i was in an abusive relationship a few years back. No matter how much i would want to believe that things would get alright, they never seemed to become so. i believe that had i never accepted the truth then, i would continued to suffer. it is very brave of you Kristin to talk and write about this. So many of us continue to believe in the things that were never true rather than believing in ourselves. all the best for the beginning of your life. xoxo

Hi Kristin-A very important post for so many to hear, I'm glad you decided not to remain silent about it. Yes, you are very strong, stronger than you know. You are doing and will do amazing things in this world. Keep shining your light from the inside out. Where there is light, the darkness cannot reside. Peace, happiness and love to you my friend.

You are amazing, Kristin! Good for your for using your voice to reach out to others, even though you are going through such a hard time yourself, you are aware of your ability to help people in similar circumstances, and I believe that is a sign of true strength. I admire you tremendously! *HUGS*!

Oh Gosh. What to say?You have a hard time to come, but you are growing stronger every day and you will face it with dignity and pride. Your children have not just lost a father- they have gained a stronger, wiser, prouder, nobler mother.

I think more than anything the pain is in the lost dream.......... more than the physical pain ......the emotional pain takes much longer to heal ..... knowing that your life will never be exactly the same ever again. The trick is one day at a time...... one day at a time too never worry about tomorrow because that will bring worries of its own........ tomorrow.

I love you and your kids.I am sorry for all of the pain,every relationship except the one I am in currently was abusive. I know fear, and the relief when it is finally over and you can start to rebuild your life. it is painful, but far less than it would be to stay.hang in there sweetie.

I am touched by all your comments, but especially moved by those of you who have shared your own stories of abuse -- Dannie, Ratz, MomAgain@40 and Adorabibble. I am saddened that anyone has to go through this. It just seems so wrong.

All my relationships have been abusive in some way. Recently, I experienced something similar to you. At the last minute I chickened out on reporting it, even though I know I should. I am still agonising over it now. I really don't know what to do, but I do know that relationship over and I would rather never have another one than expose my kids and I to that again. Thank you again for sharing, because you give others strength.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you! But your speaking up and telling your story could have the potential to save lives. Even though it may not feel like it at times, you are one brave, amazing and inspiring woman! I pray that God will give you strength to fight this battle head-on, wisdom to lead your children to a beautiful life ahead and peace of mind and heart when everything seems to be falling apart. There is hope, and it will not let you down. Blessings to you!

I'm so proud of you for speaking out. For being honest. For being true to yourself. This is part of who you are. You are a survivor. And a gifted writer.

I have felt so stupid for allowing myself to be trapped in an abusive relationship for 18 years. He never hit me, but that doesn't mean there aren't any scars. In a way, it would be more satisfying if he did, because then he could be charged with assault. Psychological violence is so much harder to prove and prosecute and validate.

Onwards and upwards now, Kristin. You have nothing to be ashamed of. None of us do....

Wow. I am sorry if any of my comments seemed flip in the past. I just thought you were dealing with a divorce; did NOT know about the abuse. I'm sorry you had to experience that. You are right to get out of that relationship ASAP! I hope you get the help you need, both mentally and physically to help you overcome this awful incident.

It is the shame. Even though logically you know it isn't your fault you can't help proportioning some blame on yourself and second guessing what you've said and done to "deserve this". It's hard and it will be for a while but one day you'll wake up and the first thing you feel won't be pain. All power to you.

love and strength to you. Blessing on you for your courage to post about this. We need to speak about such things and also know that domestic abuse is not always violent, words and manipulation can be it's own form of cruel abuse too

Powerful reading - my first time ever on your site too! I wish you much strength and love through such a troubled time and am sure your bravery in shedding light on such a covered up subject will give courage to others who suffer in silence. xx

Have just read both posts, and I'm so in awe of you, hon. All my thoughts & prayers are with you and the kids, and I'm with you - we have to be ourselves, and we shouldn't let people stop us from doing that.

Thanks for encouraging everyone to seek help if they need it. You have done a very important thing here. xxx

Thinking of you and your children that you will get through all of this and heal from all the suffering and troubled times in your life. You're a great woman of strength and with every step in your new life you have risen with grace to becoming the true person you deserve to be.

My love, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry that you and your precious children have had to have this come into their lives. Thank you for finding the strength and courage to write such an honest post. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and give you a hug. Wishing you even more strength as the rest unfolds. xxx

I hear, your plea and I am so sorry what you had to go through..you have climbed a mountain and you are running down the other side of the hill free...thank you for sharing I am sure there others out there who are going through the same scenario and do not know what to do...Keep you in my prayers xxxx

Well done for getting out! I was a child of domestic violence. My mum didn't leave until I was nearly 13 years old. It has shaped me in so many ways... I wrote about all my experiences on an old blog of mine http://www.thelifeandtimesofdaniv.blogspot.com

love your thoughts - so sad for your experience. I hope you and the kids can find some peace and happiness. Love the last lines of you post. You do deserve it and so glad you are fighting for it. Naomi xx

Goodness! How perfectly terrifying. I'm so sorry! I'm so proud of you for speaking up and NOT being silent. Silence is a killer of many things. I pray for security and strength for you and your children. You know, I know there is someone out there that will now speak up because of what you have written.

wow and oh my goodness. that is shocking but I;m so glad that you have shared. Your health and safety and your children's is the most important thing and I'm so glad you're one of the strong women to do something and sharebig hugscorrie:)

I can't believe all that you have gone through. I was terrified for you and your little ones reading your other post. I can't imagine what it must be like but your posts have given some insight into the nightmare. Sending you and your children lots of love and wishes for a beautiful future, free of that torment. xx

You are very brave for speaking out. You've done the right thing for yourself and for your children. I know how hard it is, my 'past life' is still something I find very difficult to speak about. It took a lot of courage from youand I applaud your strength. xx

Now I know why you speak out for others. I found you via your comments to another woman in distress who courageously posted her story on the Afghan Women's Writing Project blog. As I wrote to 'Anonymous', you have more strength than you realize...you have already touched and change others' lives by courageously writing about your own.

Twelve months ago I found the courage to walk out on my marriage, with two children in tow. I knew there were no free choices - I could model martyrdom or I could model authenticity and the choice to live my own voice. Though it has not been easy, I am stronger and wiser for having set upon a new course...knowing that I am living from the inside out.

Stay strong, my friend. Your courage is a beacon of light and hope to others...

Hi Kristin, I'm just reading this post now, and am totally blown away by your strength and courage. I know your words will affect so many other women who are in similar situations. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with the world so that others may be healed too.

I've just found your blog and was drawn to this post (for obvious reasons). Your honesty, your rawness, the reality of what you write.....good on you. You are a strong, courageous woman. You've saved yourself and your children through your actions. I've seen many people affected by domestic violence through my work and very few manage to be as brave and resilient as you. You're a good woman for sharing such a personal and traumatic time in your life. You just may have saved someone else by doing it.

I'm your latest following and I look forward to keeping up with how you and your lovely family are travelling. Jacqui (aka CRAP mamma) xx

Oh.So I have stumbled across you via Lori's blog, and have only now found my way back to this post. I know this was a while ago, but I can see it is far from over. Take care of yourself lovely lady, I am glad to have found you and hope that you can find the support and love you need to get to the other side.Thinking of you xoxox

Some day this will be over, and you'll have something resembling a normal life again. Hang onto that thought. I too lived through some really awful abuse stuff, and got through it, and then I lived through a major health collapse and lived through it, too. And grew from it. And figured out what was really important (my kids, integrity, and intent to be a positive rather than a negative in this life).

I almost wish I hadn't read this :(. But thank you for putting the thought in my head.

Everyone thinks he's a great guy, and he is. I just don't like him as much as I should. He's very controlling, but then not really, he lets me do what I want to really. Just doesn't want my son to see his biological family or me to have contact with them. I'm afraid to talk about his Dad to my son.

R wants to get married. I'm engaged, but told him I'm not ready to get married yet. He's been good about it, but is pushing for soon. So is his family, so is my family. I just don't know. I have the feeling that the list of things he gets angry about me doing (buying toys, giving presents to my friends, talking to strangers and neighbours) might get longer once we're formally and officially together forever.

And his ex accused him of rape, it went to court. It just doesn't seem in his nature, and he said it was all lies and everyone's on his side to prove it. But still, why is it there at all? Should I be paying more attention to his past?

:( I don't know what to do now. I can't get by financially on my own, not without a struggle at least. And my son should have a father figure in his life. I just don't know.

Please, please, please DON'T get married if you feel these kinds of doubts. There are huge red flags here. Take the time to investigate them. There is no deadline you have to adhere to in making your decision. If other people are pressuring you, that speaks about their own agendas. Listen to your gut.

I agree Don't if it's not too late. I married him - even with doubts, because everything seemed perfect. His house was just like the one I lost when my first husband of 30 years walked out. He worked with the youth at his church and I began to do that too. We took vacations 3 times a year, including a week in Haiti as a ministry. We worked together for 15 years. Camera'around the house, I believed him (or tried to understand), pictures on screensaver of inappropriate private behavior by a young man, ok I see how it could happen. Two years of trying to believe him, two years of put downs and control, two years of him tyring patiently to convince people I had serious mental issues, and yesterday he was suspended from teaching. My concerns I brought to the school when I left are only a small part of what has been found. No one is telling me anything. I thought it would be better and that it was the best choice to marry him. It's worse now than before financially, emotionally, with my children, my job, my own strength to continue life. Don't do anything that makes you feel even slightly uncomfortable. I cry to as I write this.

Thank you for speaking out. If we don't speak out and act to stop domestic violence then our children think it is ok and we are simply paving the way for another generation of abusers and sufferers. I hope that the dust is settling for you now x

Thank you for your courage. I am crying as I read, you have written my words for me. Parts of my family have supported my husband, because I hsve depression and they think its all me 'overreacting', even though he has been charged because of what I found. He goes to court this Thursday. I had to leave everything I own in the USA and come 'home' to England. It seems impossible to find someone who understands so every woman who speaks up makes it easier for another.

Anon, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you can surround yourself with people who see your situation clearly and support you. I'm sorry your family has not done that for you. Don't let others cloud your truth. x

Iam not anywhere near where so many of you other ladies are. Just yesterday my husband was suspended from his teaching position of 37 years after I shared with the school concerns I have. I have only been married to him for 2 years, but it was 2 years of hearing excuses for cameras in the bedroom and bathroom, and how God was using him in the church youth ministry. I finally had to leave the house and tell. I guess I am only a small part of what has been found, and am living in the state of will he attack me as a source of his problem. Will his bi-polar son attack me? No one else knows, due to I work in the same school system, I have to protect my job. I had a abusive father, and unfaithful husband for 30 years, and now a pedophile. Funny thing is I always thought I was making choices to provide a solid home. It's my loss of confidence in my choices; the place I am in at 55; fear; loneliness; and I'm not sure what all else that I carry this morning. My children are grown and doing well - which I thank God for - but I feel I have nothing else to give. My first husband left me 5 years ago and now this. No home, no church, lost 2 in-law families I cared for. I will read your strength ladies and hold on. thank you so sharing.

Jackie, I'm so,so sorry for what you're going through (and what you've endured prior to this). I hope when the dust settles and you can look upon this with some clarity, that you will begin to regain some confidence in yourself and your decisions. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's never too late to find love and peace and self-acceptance. x