Episode 43: “We, Evil Braxton”

Written by “Krenim”

Published October 26, 2001

“Evil Captain’s Evil Log: After quite a while, we have finally made it to the technomage colony. I bet you forgot we were heading for a technomage colony, didn’t you? Of course, it’s not your fault. I mean, it’s been four or five episodes since I mentioned that. And while I’m on the subject, can I please get two consecutive episodes? Please? I am this series’ primary bad guy, you know. For that matter, can we please get sent home? I’m getting just a little tired of the ‘It looks like we’re going to get home, but in the end we don’t’ stories. This isn’t Voyager, for heaven’s sake!”

Evil Braxton’s whining was interrupted by his quarters’ doorbell. “Who is it?”

Evil Braxton went out to meet Zathras. “Very well. Have the crew assemble in Transporter Room 1.”

“Zathras wants to know why we always use Transporter Room 1.”

“Because I’m not sure how many transporter rooms the Excelsior has. Rather than look like an idiot by asking someone, I just always use Transporter Room 1.”

“Well, if there isn’t more than one transporter room, would not captain saying number look stupid anyway?”

“Shut up, Zathras!”

“Zathras sorry.”

A few minutes later, the Excelsior senior staff assembled in Transporter Room 1. Evil Braxton addressed everyone. “This technomage guy may have the ability to send us home, so if you call all act goody-two-shoes for a few minutes, we can fool this guy into believing we are good. Everyone understand?”

Everyone nodded. Dukat operated the transporter controls, beaming the technomage up. The wizard was clad all in black and held a tall wooden staff. Evil Braxton bowed to him. “The crew of the Excelsior welcomes you, sir.”

The technomage looked down at Evil Braxton with mild amusement. “This is a fascinating ship, for one of its size.”

In response, everyone just laughed even more hysterically. Binky began to look quite irritated. “Really, what’s so funny?”

Even Evil Braxton couldn’t keep himself under control any longer. He laughed out, “What kind of name for a technomage is Binky? Isn’t that a clown’s name?”

“I’ll have you know that Binky was my grandfather’s name!”

By that time, the Excelsior crew was rolling on the floor with laughter. Binky finally had enough. “Fine, if you’re going to be that way, I’m not going to send you home! As a matter of fact, I’m not only not going to send you home, I’m going to curse you!”

With that, Binky struck his staff against the transporter pad, and the lights flickered on and off for a few seconds. He then beamed himself back to the planet using his powers.

Evil Braxton was the first to compose himself, so he got up and began yelling at his crew. “You idiots! How could you do that? He was going to send us home!”

The crew cringed in horror, awaiting some sort of horrible punishment from their captain. Evil Braxton, however, just got up on the transporter pad. “Okay, you jerks... I’m beaming down there to try and smooth things over. You guys better pray I’m successful, because if I’m not, I will unleash unspeakable horrors upon you all!”

Dark Helmet scoffed. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like a video tape filled with nothing but commercials for Miss Cleo.”

”Oh good lord, no!”

“That’s what I thought. Dukat, beam me down.”

Dukat began the beaming sequence, but something quickly went very wrong. Instead of beaming Evil Braxton down to the surface, there were now two versions of Evil Braxton standing on the transporter pad. One had a completely disinterested look on his face, the other had a deranged expression. The latter ran out of the transporter room, laughing manically.

Valtane thought for a second, then exclaimed, “Oh no! Evil Braxton has been split into his two components: Apathetic Braxton and Really Evil Braxton!”

Rand interrupted. “Wait a minute... If Evil Braxton was really split into his components, wouldn’t he have been split into Old Captain Braxton, Young Psycho Braxton, Old Psycho Braxton, and the Excelsior clones?”

“Hmm... You know, I think you’re right.”

“Then what the heck happened?”

“I’m guessing a transporter malfunction combined with a lapse in continuity.”

Dark Helmet shut everyone up. “Okay, since the captain is obviously incapacitated, I’m taking over! And no one had better try and stop me!”

A few seconds went by, and no one said anything. Valtane finally said, “Why would we try and stop you? You’re the first officer. You’re supposed to take over in situations like these.”

“Uh... Yeah, and don’t you forget it! Okay, to solve this problem, I think we need to go right to ludi—”

Before Dark Helmet could finish his sentence, Dukat clamped his mouth shut. “Don’t do that! We need to stay here!”

“And why’s that?”

“Because we need to convince Binky the technomage to un-curse the transporter so we can get Evil Braxton back together again!”

“Remind me why we need to get Evil Braxton together again...”

Dr. Frankenstein stepped up next to Apathetic Braxton and asked, “Hey you... How do you feel about us being stuck in the Babylon 5 universe?”

Apathetic Braxton shrugged and replied, “Whatever.”

Dark Helmet nodded. “Okay, but what about Really Evil Braxton?”

As if in response, a voice came over the comm. Engineering to Dukat.

“Dukat here.”

I think we’re about to have a warp core breach.

“Oh? Why’s that?”

Because Evil Braxton just came in, savagely killed most of the engineering crew, and is now whacking the warp core with a sledge hammer. I only survived because I’m hiding behind this... Uh oh... Wait, sir! Don’t hurt me! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Dark Helmet could only reply, “Okay, let’s get our captain back together again. I want Rand, Valtane, Yoda, and Zathras to see if you can get our clown friend to come back up here and fix things. Everybody else follow me. We have to go hunt down Really Evil Braxton.”

Engineering was a mess. The group slowly made their way to the warp core. Dukat inspected it. “Yes, I’d definitely say someone was whacking this with a really large mallet.”

Hawk asked, “You can tell that just by looking at the dents?”

“No, I can tell that because Really Evil Braxton is on the other side of the warp core with a really big mallet.”

Really Evil Braxton leapt at them, swinging his sledge hammer all the while. They aimed their phaser rifles at him and fired. They had no effect. The only thing that kept them from getting pounded into bloody stains was Dark Helmet using his powers to hold the sledge hammer still. Infuriated, Really Evil Braxton ran out of Engineering, screaming.

Hawk was utter confused. “I don’t get it! We all hit him with our phasers! Why didn’t he go down?”

Dukat thought for a second. “I would guess the splitting process has put him in a state of quantum flux. Our phaser beams just don’t interact with his atoms. Either that, or it was just a plot device to make sure this episode doesn’t end too early.”

Meanwhile, Rand, Valtane, Yoda, and Zathras had brought Apathetic Braxton to the bridge and were attempting to contact Binky the technomage on the planet below. Rand opened a comm channel. “This is Janice Rand of the Excelsior. Please come in.”

A technomage appeared on the main viewer. “What do you want?”

“We need to *giggle* speak to *snicker* Binky.”

“Well, he doesn’t want to speak to you. You’re mean.”

“Tell him we’re sorry.”

The technomage shouted to Binky, who was apparently offscreen. “They said they’re sorry!”

Binky came over. “Are you really sorry?”

Rand managed to stifle her laughing long enough to say, “Yes, we are really sorry, Binky.”

“Well, okay then. Apology accepted.”

“Now that that’s settled, could you help us with a little something?”

“Hey... You didn’t apologize to me just so I’d help you, did you?”

Rand put on her best fake innocence face and asked, “Would we do something like that?”

“Fine. What’s the problem?”

“Your little curse thing split our captain into his opposite halves.”

“Like his good side and his evil side?”

“Uh... Yeah... Something like that...”

“I’ll be up in a few minutes. Just bring both of them to your transporter room.”

Once the viewscreen went back to a view of space, Rand turned to everyone else. “Well, that’s one problem down. Now all we need is for the others to catch Really Evil Braxton.”

The only response was from Apathetic Braxton, who simply shrugged and said, “Whatever.”

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew was busy chasing down Really Evil Braxton. Hawk, almost out of breath, had an idea. “Computer!”

What is it now?

“Activate security forcefields in front of Really Evil Braxton!”

Fine. Security forcefields activated.

The forcefields snapped into place, but Really Evil Braxton just ran right through them. Hawk got even more furious. “If phasers and forcefields don’t work on him, what do we do?”

Dark Helmet sarcastically suggested, “If we had a rock, we could throw one at him...”

Dr. Frankenstein whipped out a rock. “I’ve got a rock!”

Dukat asked, “Why do you have a rock with you?”

“It’s part of my latest experiment! I’m going to create a rock that you can keep as a pet! I’m going to call it a pet rock!”

“Uh, they tried that nine centuries ago. They never really caught on.”

“They did? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?”

Dark Helmet snatched the rock and threw it at Really Evil Braxton. With perfect aim, it hit him in the head, and he fell to the floor unconscious.

Binky the technomage appeared in Transporter Room 1, where Rand, Valtane, Yoda, Zathras, and Apathetic Braxton were waiting for him. Binky looked around. “Hey, I thought you said there were two of him.”

The rest of the crew finally showed up, dragging the unconscious Really Evil Braxton behind them. Rand looked down at him. “What did you guys do, hit him in the head with a rock or something?”

Dark Helmet replied, “Yup.”

Hawk looked really excited. “I’m going to replicate more of these ‘rock’ things! They are the ultimate weapon! Mwahahahaha!”

Everyone ignored Hawk’s inane rantings. Binky motioned for the two Braxtons to be placed on the transporter. Once they were there, Binky struck his staff against the floor, and the transporter merged the two back into Evil Braxton. He rubbed his head. “Ouch! It feels like I got hit in the head with a rock or something!”