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Alchemy has been around for about six thousand years, ever since God created Stephen. Oh! And the rest of the universe. Anywho, Alchemy has given us all the finest things in life: flight, money, and war. Oh yes, looooots of war.

Nation, we've barely scratched the tip of Stephen Jr's beak when it comes to alchemy. There's so much we haven't learned. Like the immortality thing, for example. The closest we've gotten to that is curing AIDS, and we all know there's no market for that.

Despite alchemy's long, proud history, liberals were dissatisfied with its reliance on truthiness and its lack of so-called facts. They kept complaining that alchemy didn't follow their secret scientific spells (a set of instructions similar to those used by witches).

Despite this minor setback, alchemy is chugging forward. Perhaps the greatest thing about alchemy is that it's not cut-and-dried like the other heathen sciences. Alchemy is so vague that we can let the free market decide what does or does not work. For example, say a certain person takes the Elixir of Life. Say this person happens to be liberal. Well, should the free market decide to poison this person instead of living for eternity, who are we to object? SUCK IT, CLINTON!

Heroes, alchemy is an open and proud science. Go crazy! Fill your bathtub with whisky and toss a lit match into it, just to see what happens! What's more, you can join the ranks of the Colbert Loyalists' Alchemical Research Department.