32 questions I have about Contagious

Some unanswered questions around the greatest melodically spoken scene in the history of music

Usually I open these articles by giving you some comedic background about why I like a piece of pop culture that I’m about to deconstruct. That’s not happening in this article. If you don’t know why Contagious by the Isley Brothers featuring R. Kelly is the black version of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, then this article ain’t for you. There are plenty of other posts on this site that you can read, but right now you’ve got to go. Please leave, I’ll wait…

Now that we got that out the way, I’m going to ask one more thing of you. Please re-watch the Contagious video. I’m not asking you to do this because I don’t think you’re familiar with this masterpiece, I’m asking you to do this because the video is SO damn funny.

OK now that we’re fully caught up, let’s start with some questions that I have for Ronald Isley BEFORE we even get to “The Confrontation.”

What’s the point in all of those security people in and around your house?

I’m asking because isn’t the whole point of having security at the house to prevent people like R. Kelly from sneaking in?

I know someone at ADT, you want me to get you a good deal on their new system? (OK I’m done with questions about security.)

Can you please explain to me what occupation affords you this immaculate lifestyle?

Honestly I don’t care how you get your money but I have to ask, do you not see the correlation between having your secretaries wear little red dresses all the time and your wife/girlfriend/main chick cheating on you?

(I lied about the security questions) Seriously, when are you going to fire your security?

Finally, we have arrived to “The Confrontation,” I am going to break it down line by line so that you have a better idea of my thought process throughout the edge-of-your-seat drama contained in this beautiful, one minute and ten second, musical Hip Hopera.

Speakers:

Ronald Isley

R. Kelly

Low Down Dirty Women

Lyrics:

What the hell is going on between the sheets in my home?

You’ve spent two verses painting a pretty vivid picture of the situation; shouldn’t you be able to piece together the context clues by now?

Baby wait let me explain before you start to point your cane.

Why is she so worried about him pointing a cane?

Wait, is it not just a cane?

Oh shit! Does he have one of those cane/umbrella guns like the Penguin has in Batman?

Girl I’m about to have a fit.

Oh it’s about to be some shit / How did I get in to this? Should have never came home with this bitch.

Is R. Kelly really asking how he got into this mess?

Isn’t he the one sneaking pass the security and into mansions?

You low down dirty woman, back to where you come from.

But baby wait.

But wait my ass. Hit the streets, your ass is grass.

I don’t get this ass is grass analogy. Are you saying you’re going to cut her off right now but she’ll come back and grown on you in a week or two?

Now Mr. Biggs before you done.

Isn’t Mr. Big the name of a love interest on Sex and the City?

Is this a rejected scene from Sex in the City?

Is this song supposed to be a Black version of Sex in the City?!?!

Wait how you know my name son?

Didn’t you mention in the previous verse that this situation seemed like the “Down Low” all over again? (skip to 4:30)

How could you forget that the exact same guy did the exact same thing to you 10 years ago?

Honey wait I was gonna tell you.

Really woman?

Were you really gonna tell him after you did that “Bye Felica/Damn Gina” wave at the beginning of the video?

Move this cat looks real familiar / Hmmm? Now don’t I know you from somewhere a long time ago?

You don’t remember finding this guy cheating on your wife/girl friend/main chick, beating his ass, driving him out to the desert, and leaving him there to die?

None of this rings a bell?

No, no, I don’t think so.

Yeah, yeah. I feel I know you brother very well.

Is Mr. Biggs suffering from dementia?

No, no, you’ve mistaken me for somebody else.

Frank

SHUT UP! Can’t you see two men are talking?

Look Mr. Biggs, I understand that you’re mad about the situation but don’t you think yelling at Low Down Dirty Woman for interrupting two men’s conversation is both misplaced and kinda sexist?

LDDW: But

Thought I told your ass to get to walking! Now I think y’all better leave this place.

Before we get out of here, I have some final follow up questions:

Again with the security, how come it took them till the end of the song, when R. Kelly was already leaving, to get upstairs?

Was it because there is no one under 40 in the whole security detail?

Even if it’s just to save face, how did they not whoop R. Kelly’s ass the moment they saw him half naked in the boss’s bedroom?

Mr. Biggs, how you gonna Low Down Dirty Woman walk out the house with that fur coat on?

She better leave that mink coat in the closet. Is she serious?

Did you know that this was just the second song in the “R. Kelly sleeps with Mr. Biggs’s woman” trilogy? Here’s the grand finale “Busted”

Why can’t Mr. Biggs keep a faithful woman?

We’ll there you have it folks. 31 unanswered questions that I have been internally struggling with since 2001. If any of you have any answers for me, please let me know them in the comment section below. Thank you for your generous donation to this worthy cause. With that being said, I have one final question. I love this song so much and it’s constantly stuck in my head. Can anyone tell me: