Opposites Attract

My friends have a raging debate going on about relationships. Half think “Opposites Attract,” while the other half say, “Opposites Attack.” I’m curious, what does the Woodster think?

-No position on opposition

Hey Woody,

My friends have a raging debate going on about relationships. Half think “Opposites Attract,” while the other half say, “Opposites Attack.” I’m curious, what does the Woodster think?

-No position on opposition

Dear opposition,

According to the latest study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology among married couples, “matched personality” couples are happier than “mismatched” ones. In other words, opposites who attract each other may have a great courtship, but a lousy marriage.

Here’s what the researchers said: “Once people are in a committed relationship, it is primarily personality similarity that influences marital happiness because being in a committed relationship entails regular interaction and requires extensive coordination in dealing with tasks, issues and problems of daily living.”

Here’s the really intriguing stuff: You know your single friends who go ON AND ON about how much they want to meet somebody with the same attitude, beliefs and values? Pure bullshit. When researchers assessed marital quality and happiness they couldn’t freakin’ find a correlation between the couple’s attitudes, beliefs and values! It’s the personality-related factors that won the day–attachment, extraversion, conscientiousness and positive or negative emotions. “Personality similarity” was related to marital satisfaction, but attitude similarity was not.

So why do your single friends keep pumping out the bullshit? Because attitudes and values are easy to spot but personality domains are not. Makes sense when you think about it. A librarian might be attracted to a daredevil but could he really live with him? A neatnik might be attracted to a slob but could he really pick up after him? A sex advice columnist might be attracted to an editor but could he really have a disagreement without slashing his tires on the way to the bar?

Doubtful.

Hey Woody,

I read in a reputable magazine that guys shoot an average of three tablespoons of seme. Come on! I shoot more than most and I don’t get anywhere near that. What’s the average-sized load?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

You’re right; they’re wrong. The average volume of semen spurting out of us is between half a teaspoon to a full teaspoon. Crazy, isn’t it? You’d think it’d be more than that. Obviously, you can test it by ejaculating into a cup and pour it into a measuring spoon, but if you don’t want to go through the trouble, do this: Take a teaspoon (use a measuring spoon, not an ordinary teaspoon) and fill it with milk. Then tip the teaspoon into your cupped hand.

Amazing, isn’t it? It really is more than the average guy’s load. So, what influences the size of the load? There’s only one thing, and it ain’t what you eat or how much you drink. It’s the length of time since your last ejaculation. By the way, swallowing will not make you fat. There’s only about 6-12 calories in the average load. And forget that urban legend about semen having as much protein as a pork chop. Take a look at the score: Semen—less than half a gram. Pork chop: 24 grams.

Semen may be produced out of it, but it can’t beat the meat.

Half the guys you like are turned off by your body language. Turn them on with the secrets in Woody’s ebook: ATTRACT HOTTER GUYS with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language. Available at www.mikealvear.com/ebook