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I returned home from several days out of town, to find, not one, but two parcels awaiting me.
I opened them and as far as I can tell, it's some sort of altar which draws power from the ley lines in my home to incinerate offerings of flesh.

Also accompanying them, was some sort of ritual text that I am supposed to chant.

Levy immediately set to work preparing the sacrifice.

Thank you very much, ever mysterious Satan!

*

Apologizes for the dumb portrait video. I had to strike while the iron was hot.
Dinner was not present as he is being a grumpus from having just visited the vet. While I was at PAX he scratched a whole bunch of fur off his ear and it was gross and oozy. Seems he had an infected cut.

So.. I'm going out of town on Wednesday the 23rd, exactly as my mail is being delivered.. Odd coincidence..

I can neither confirm nor deny that I am your Secret Satan... But you might be the only person who hasn't received a gift so...

I figured I was probably pretty close to the only one at least, which is why I made the joke. I'm not going anywhere. Now I think I shall set up my hammock in the front yard Wednesday and merely.. wait. With snacks and a beverage.

I have not yet. The two games I posted about are what I've received so far.

And just like that, a package arrived this afternoon!

After sliding it out of the box, Bella and I inspect the discarded remains of an old New Yorker.
A note! TL:DR treats from Canada, socks from a brewery, and... Shaq-Fu
First up: some Big Rock cock socks
Next up: Candy!
and finally: not one, not two, but three fucking copies of Shaq-Fu

Thank you so much! The socks are awesome. We actually had Malteesers here occasionally in the last year or so, but the rest will be new to me. And.. yay shaq-fu

A mysterious package arrived, from parts unknown. Luckily, I have a trained scent detection dog to check it out. Unluckily, he’s still pretty early in his training, and really only knows how to find the training scents. Other, less trained dogs helped as well.

Having determined there were no traces of thyme or wintergreen on the exterior of the package, I proceeded to open it up:. My helpers were kind enough to continue to offer assistance.

First up:

a new probe thermometer! My current probe thermometer is incredibly slow and the display can only be read from very specific, brightly-lit angles. This is a welcome upgrade, and one that will be used often.

Second:

A dough scraper! Up to now I’ve been mixing pasta dough by hand and dulling my least favourite knife to get the residue off the work surface. This will work much better.

Third:

God of War! This franchise was not really my jam in previous incarnations, but the pivot to Angry Dad Simulator seemed to win over a lot of people whose taste I trust, and what I saw of the gameplay looked rad as heck so helllll yes.

Fourth:

Giant Bomb’s Game of the Year Tetris Effect! This was almost entirely off my radar until just before Secret Satans started, and my desire to play it has only increased since I put it on my wish list. This is currently installing on my PS4 as I type this.

Fifth:

Silicone Baking Mats! I’ve gotten into baking scones recently and these will be a big improvement, especially with stickier ingredients like cheese.

Okay, at this point things got interesting, in that my helpers’ desire to help suddenly increased. Dramatically.

Sixth:

Pardon the blurry photo, it was the best I could get with the assistance I was receiving. The label says “Habanero Mustard.” I says “I have a pork shoulder from a local farm that this sauce is going to be very good friends with, very soon.”

Seventh:

Okay, so I have a lot of helpers. More than usual, as we’ve a couple guests this week. The interest in helping with this final gift was, I think, a bit excessive?
Or not excessive at all? Tex-Mex BBQ Sauce! Rated 5 inquisitive Collies out of 5, and I can’t wait to try it. So I won’t, I’m having a meat pie tonight that this is absolutely going on.

The final haul! Thank you so much @Lasbrook, I’m excited in like, 3 different directions at once.

I have not yet. The two games I posted about are what I've received so far.

And just like that, a package arrived this afternoon!

After sliding it out of the box, Bella and I inspect the discarded remains of an old New Yorker.
A note! TL:DR treats from Canada, socks from a brewery, and... Shaq-Fu
First up: some Big Rock cock socks
Next up: Candy!
and finally: not one, not two, but three fucking copies of Shaq-Fu

Thank you so much! The socks are awesome. We actually had Malteesers here occasionally in the last year or so, but the rest will be new to me. And.. yay shaq-fu

Bonus sock pic

Secret bonus Bella pic

I have had those copies of Shaq Fu for literally over 10 years now.

I honestly don't know why I kept them through nine moves, but I did, for some ungodly reason.

Hooray! I’m so glad things made it even if I did take my sweet ass time getting them to you(sorry). I was a little worried as once everything left the US the tracking never got any more specific than “CANADA”.

Since this is turning into the week I try to sell people on Valentina’s, if y’all are ever in Austin I highly recommend it. The morning I picked up those sauces I also got myself this:

Also, can confirm that Valentina’s Tex Mex BBQ sauce is every bit as delicious as the dogs thought it would be. The meat pies themselves are pretty bland and always need some sort of sauce and this is 100% the best I’ve tried on them.

Hooray! I’m so glad things made it even if I did take my sweet ass time getting them to you(sorry). I was a little worried as once everything left the US the tracking never got any more specific than “CANADA”.

Since this is turning into the week I try to sell people on Valentina’s, if y’all are ever in Austin I highly recommend it. The morning I picked up those sauces I also got myself this:

I dude, I just got back from Texas, why are you making me want to return!?

I'm gonna spoil myself as @Fig-D's Satan! Only because there IS a final gift arriving from Parts Distant but I've been traveling for work and then at actual work like constantly through January, so I haven't had time to go to the post office, even on Saturday when it's open and I'm not at work.