He’s miserable… And also a bastard.

I found this, apparently, it’s “27 ways to make a girl smile,” as far as I and you are concerned it’s “27 ways to friendzone yourself like a complete fucking faggot and be seen as ‘another one of the girls’ like some cockless eunich.” The original list of “27 ways to make a girl smile” or as far as I and you are concerned the “27 ways to friendzone yourself like a complete fucking faggot and be seen as ‘another one of the girls’ like some cockless eunich,” is in regular font, my changes are in italics.

1. Tell her she is beautiful (not hot, fine, or sexy)Don’t compliment women until you’re sure you’re just about to fuck them, and even then it’s dodgy territory.

2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.Holding hands is for faggots.

3 . Kiss her on the forehead.You know who kisses women on the forehead?

…Their gay friends. That’s who. Are you a gay friend?

4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.Yea, that’s nice, but here’s how a man wakes up

1., wake up,
2., have a piss and a shit,
3., maybe, if you’re feeling up to it, have a wank

Note how nowhere in that list did I say “leave her a voice message like a stalker faggot with no social skills.”

5 . Always tell her you love her every second of the day.Or, don’t say it in excess of once every 3 days and make her work for it.

6 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.When she is upset; get a new one; she’s broken.

7 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.Or, alternatively, just an idea, WHO THE FUCK CARES?

9 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.Or ignore her when you’re with other women. Sometimes the most counter productive methods are the most effective, and by sometimes, I mean pretty much all the time, and by pretty much all the time, I mean do what I say faggot.

10 . Write her notes. (she loves them)The only note you write in your lifetime should be addressed to your family and when you finish writing it you should take a long sip of whiskey and shoot yourself in the head in your study.

11 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend.If she actually is your girlfriend, other wise it’s weird. Actually, on second thought, if she is your girlfriend, introduce her as “some girl I met in the pub earlier,” women love an asshole.

12 . Play with her hair.Don’t you’re an idiot, you’ll just get tangled in it and make a mess.

13 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.Or beat her.

14 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.Parks are for drinking and frisby, nothing else.

16 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night . . . just because you missed her.Don’t go near her house in the middle of the night, unless you’re burning it to the ground in the name of vengeance, otherwise, you’re a faggot.

17 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.Then have sex with her.

18. Carve your names into a tree.Then have sex with her.

19 . If she’s mad at you, kiss her.Then rape her.

20 . Give her piggyback rides.Don’t.

21 . Bring her flowersThen have sex with her.

22 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.Don’t, your friends will think you’re a faggot, because chances are you act like a faggot when you’re alone with this bitch.

23 . Look her in the eyes and smile.Or fuck her from behind and make funny faces.

24 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.Especially if she’s fucking you while taking pictures. You’ll need them for when you fail and get dumped.

25 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn’t any music playing.If you’re both slow children who travel in the special bus and wear suspenders and socks up to their knees.

26 . Kiss her in the rain.Don’t the rain is shit, it’s not romantic, it’s not French and whimsical and magical, it’s retarded and you’ll catch the cold.

27 . If your in love with her . . . tell her.If you’re in love with her, you lost the game.

I like how initially when I started writing this I was actually trying to give real advice, since if a man does everything on this list he’ll friendzone himself after about 3 days, then after about…well… point 1 really I just started being a complete ass.

This is actually little more than a reflection on how horrifically I treat women.

There is only one thing I find funnier than religion and that’s an epileptic in a fuckin’ techno rave, I tell a lie I also think women’s rights are far funnier.

As per usual the Islamic fuck-stain populace of Britain has been prancing about like a bunch of faggots protesting the return of British soldiers. So I thought I’d write a little blog.

In all honesty this blog is going to shit all over Islam, the Qu’ran and Muslim’s all over the world, I’d say “if you’re offended don’t read further,” but like the self-righteous, religious, shit-fairies you are you’ll just read on anyway, in order to be offended so you can cry like an 11 year old in confession, who’s having Priest Jim O’Doherty’s paedophilic pole of whimsical forgiveness shoved down his throat.

The Qu’ran is of course a great piece of reading material; well, I say that, what I mean really is that it’s a great way to get ahead in the world of bomb making apprenticeships and organised hate crime…

Now, that’s just my personal view on the issue, 1.8 billion people think it’s the second best book in the world, right after J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter. Let’s face it, the two books probably contain about the same amount of truth to them… With a slight lead in favour of Harry Potter.

There was a great story in the news a while ago, about US and UK soldiers using the Qu’ran as toilet paper. A part of me was like “Woo desecrating a holy book,” but on the other hand there was a part of me which was kinda just thinking, “wiping you’re arse with the Qu’ran, bit like wiping you’re ass with bull-shit; slightly redundant.”

Now obviously my views are my own, I have researched this and personally I think all religion is immoral and wrong and Islam is hateful and intolerant, and some might find my views offensive, but then they can go and fuck themselves, or better still, prove my point and blow me up, either way I’m happy… That’s a very Northern Irish trait, “hmm, I don’t mind dying as long as you prove me right in the process, you fuck”

I say I’ve researched this; really what I mean, is that like most 19 year olds, I looked up wikipedia, got bored, then started looking up porn and weird shit.

My computer is just like a big magic box filled with porn, it’s like the black hole of filth. It’s wonderful.

Anyway, Here’s what I got from Wikipedia:

“The Qu’ran, written in 1612 by Sir Francis Bacon (and published by a giant flying cunt monster) is a fantasy based novella, revolving around wizardry, magic and invisible men in the sky; it is a fan-fiction based on a previous fictitious work known as “the bible” (written by Tom Clancy); critics at the time lambasted the book, one reviewer commenting:
“I’d rather read my father’s athletes foot with my tongue than read this self-indulgent package of complete ball-twattery”

Seem’s fairly accurate to me.

You might be wondering,“well now, what’s the Qu’ran all about?”

The books main themes include but are not limited to acceptance of other cultures and ideas, hating everything and blowing the shit out of anybody who doesn’t agree with your narrow minded bullshit, embracement of women’s rights, beating women, and of course acceptance of your fellow man regardless of his or her sexual orientation stoning the gays.

Religion just makes no sense to me, for instance, Islam, believes in both pre-destination, AND, free-will… That’s kinda like attending a pro-women’s rights rally then going home to beat your wife.

Fun fact of the day: Mohammed waged wars on the Jews, Hindus and Buddhists, coincidentally, the assault on the Buddhists must have been fairly fast, the worst thing a Buddhist’s gonna do is set himself on fire, but I guess that gives Mohammed more time to fuck kids, so everybody wins really.

I have said an awful lot about Islam, but don’t get me wrong, Christianity’s no better in my eyes: “Stone the gays, fuck the Jews, let’s eat some magical Jesus bread.” What the fuck is that shit all about.

Anyway, in summary if you’re an Islamic fuck bag you can just go fuck yourself and get the fuck out of my country, is that an intolerant stand point to take? You’re God damned fucking right it is.

It’s been a while since I took the time to piss all over the English language in a vulgar display of cantankerous hate, so I thought today, I’d take the time to grab my thoughts and feelings by the throat and vigorously slam them all over your much loved internet where they can act as a general offence to the visual senses.

First off, can everybody stop fucking acting like they give half a flying shit about the BNP getting a couple of council seats? Let’s face it, you fuck tards did this shit to yourself. You resigned to apathy and stopped voting because you took what you had for granted, then as soon as the government goes to shit (because you won’t vote) you winge and cry like a bunch of cretinous children who’ve just had their breakfast pancakes, which were sprinkled with love by mummy, shit all over.

If you refuse to vote you’ll get a shit government, and if you don’t vote, then you lose the right to complain, because you’re the one who caused this fucking situation and you’re a shit stain on the face of society.

Voting should be mother-fucking mandatory, literally, if you don’t vote, by law, a big burley mother fucker should come to your house and fuck your mum in the ass, with no porno dialogue, no “can I fix your plumbing,” he just comes in and fucks her, that would teach you apathetic cunts to stop ruining democracy.

Secondly, boo hoo bankers are slicing their businesses up and giving themselves bonuses, you know what? Why don’t you sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up about it, no, they aren’t “banksters” or whatever the fuck silly little word the sun has plastered them with, they are business owners, when you own a sinking business you slice it up, sell it off, and make as much out of it before it’s collapse as you can, they own more shares than you, ergo they own more of the company than you, ergo they can do whatever the fuck they want, because their vote outweighs yours, now stop crying like a bitter little child just because you work on a fucking Plasticine assembly line with 30 other cretins.

Thirdly, “I lost my job a month ago and can’t get a new one,” I wonder why, perhaps this is because you worked on an assembly line for 30 years, and now won’t resign to the reality of the situation that you should do something new, because, guess what, BRITAIN’S MANUFACTURING INDUSTRY HAS BEEN DYING FOR THE LAST 60 YEARS, AND WE ARE A FUCKING NATION OF MIDDLE MEN. Get a job in a call centre or behind a till job behind a till. There are tons of places that are hiring, and those that aren’t are always having staff leaving that need replacing. Stop crying and get a new job you fuck. You’re not special and you’re not above any job, you’re as worthless as the economy you drove into the fucking ground with your apathy and tribal voting. Fuck yourself with a 50 ft rake and die.

Fourth, if you love Obama you’re probably the most hated of all racists, the accidental racist, i.e., a fucking idiot.

Finally, the BNPs recent success in polls has promted a wave of media bullshit claiming that BNP members getting seats will only serve to divide Britain in terms of race… What fucking magical cloud are you living in!? Britain IS racially divided. Here I’ll lay it the fuck out for you.

Jesus fucking Christ, this country is not a multicultural diverse wonderland of racial integration it’s that £3 jig saw puzzle you buy for your little sister at Christmas that has 100 pieces but only comes with 83 and when put together it makes a picture of a puddle of fucking dog sick.

For racial integration to work you need to break down ghettos and racial separation in terms of living areas, WHICH ISN’T HAPPENING, oh coincidentally, everyone who comes here hates us.

I know you love to believe that you’re Captain fucking diversity because you ignorantly bow to Asians when you first meet them and shout “omg that’s how you say hello isn’t it LOL!” in their faces and talk to black people about Chris Rock and the Wu-Tang Clan, but you’re not Captain Diversity, you’re just a dick and all your ethnic minority friends hate you because you’re an ignorant PC tool.

The hilarious part of this is, no matter how many people tell you this, you prance around like a bunch of nancy boy faggots, trying to get through to you people is like trying to fuck through a hymen made of titanium.

Lately, I’ve been drinking and partying alot… I mean, a fucking lot. So much so that I no longer really appreciate or remember what sobriety truly feels like. I was planning to detox myself for a while, get it all out of my system, but that wouldn’t be very true to my entire life philosophy. As many of you might know, my life philosophy consists of “fuck everyone that isn’t me, I’m awesome” and pivots around the idea of “fuck moderation! I’ll drink till YOU pass out!”

So in order to stay true to my life philosophy I’ve decided rather than detox myself of drink and clean my system out, I should do the exact opposite, and drink all the fucking time.

As such, I’m going to stop eating and drinking anything that doesn’t have an alcohol or nicotine content. I plan to keep this going for 3 weeks. Many of you might be wondering, “does this make you an alcoholic,” the answer to this is of course, “I was an alcoholic long before this dear, now shut up and let me go back to being completely fucking awesome. STOP RAVE BREAK!!! Only joking… THERE ARE NO BREAKS IN RAVE!!!!”

I will of course be documenting this journey for you all to read, although my make no promises that any of it will make sense after day 2, and the spelling more than likely will be fucking appauling. Those who know me are of course invited to be active participants, feel free to come out and drink with me whenever you feel. 12 in the afternoon? Want a drink? Not a problem! I’m on a whiskey diet!!! Everyone wins! If you’re a really close friend, you can contribute in an even more special and meaningful way,i.e., you can stand by my side and keep watch while I drunkenly urinate all over public property at 5 in the morning, load me into a taxi when I pass out, and tell me I’m an idiot, then encourage me to do it anyway.

Enjoy the debauchery people.

26th January – Day One

Food consumed : None

Cigarettes smoked : 18

Alcohol Units consumed : 9 units

Times thrown up : 0

General Notes : I’m still relatively sober, not much to report, making a nice easy start to this…

Health Notes: None yet. Predictions: Liver Sclerosis is in at 4:1 with Lung cancer at 4:1 and choking to death on my own vomit at 2:1

27th January – Day Two

Food consumed : None

Cigarettes smoked : 2

Alcohol Units consumed : 3 units

Times thrown up : 0

General Notes : Maybe whiskey wasn’t the best drink to start with…

Health Notes: None yet.

Predictions: Well, it’s 00:11 at the minute, so I predict needing a really massive piss when I wake up tomorrow.

Part II

Times falled down stairs : 1

Food consumed : None

Cigarettes smoked : 18

Alcohol Units consumed : 28 units

Times thrown up : 0

General Notes : I’m quit drunk now, I did have something fumy to put in here yesterday, but i fell aslep and forgot it. AKilso I fell down ym stairs. It fucking hurt.

Health Notes: None yet.

Hindsight: I did really nedd that piss

28th Januagry – Day Three

Food consumed : Bottle of lucozarde this morning, I mixed it with vodka though, so fuck you.

Cigarettes smoked : 38

Alcohol Units consumed : 27 units

Times thrown up : 1

General Notes : It fels like there’s a nest of wasps in my intestings, wasps, with vibrators , fucking themselve senseless, getting their wasp juice all over the show… GET OUT OF MY INTESTED WASP!

Health Notes: I think I have cancer – there’;s a werid lump in my mouth. It’s not getting smaller… Also, when i piss, it feels like I’ve voluntereed for a Bill oddie special on people infested with parasitic fire ants in their bladder. I don’t think this special as a happy ending.. I might get mauled by an ant easter or some shit like that. Also bill ddie’s a wanker. Everynoes like “omg hes cool” no he’s a bastard. Fuck Bill Oddie. I hope Bill Oddie dies alone on a rusty pelican. OH AND THOSE CUNTS AT FONACAB BARRED ME!

Predictions: Wake ing up tomorrow willbe diffiucult to say the least… HOPefully I won’t chock on my own vomit in my sleep, although at least if I didn I’d go down as a hero… Or a dickhead. Eitherway as long as I’m remembetred for being heroically dickheadical I”m happy.
29th Januagry – Day Four

This day is missing. I think it involved a lot of throwing up and passing out though.

30th Januagry – Day Five

Food consumed : 3 “Nice” Biscuits.

Cigarettes smoked : 40+

Alcohol Units consumed : 60+

Times thrown up : 1

General Notes : I don’t remember much of day five, so you’re getting a summary. I started the evening with a bottle of southern comfort and some wine… I then proceeded to throw up all over my friend Alan’s bathroom. Following this we trashed his living room screaming the words to “Rape Me” by Nirvana. When we decided we were done being breaky and smashy and loud in general we finished the wine and went to Whites, a local pub, where I have ritually humiliated myself and others on numerous occasions.

I proceeded to order 10 BOTTLES of Magners,this was not cheap, and shout at the quiz guy, “IS THE ANSWER YOU’RE A BASTARD?!!!!” He didn’t like that… “Can we take part in the quiz” I drunkenly guffawed.
“It’s over”
“Oh I know the answer to this one… It’s you’re a cunt!” Following our little stand off I insisted he make me 6 Irish coffees in a row. I drank them all.

I then proceeded to go outside and start abusing other paying patrons.
“Hey, do you have a light?” asked the dark haired, middle aged woman with obvious father issues.
“Yes, but you’re probably fucking scum so you can just go fuck yourself.”
“Oh My God, how dare you! What makes you think you have the right to talk to people like that?”
“Well dear, some people are just better than others.”
“What’s you’re IQ?!??” She began flailing her limbs in the air as she tried to make words into sentences.
“I think it’s time for you to go home dear…”
“NO! What’s you’re IQ?!??” Her fat friend had noticed the scene and decided to waddle her lard over to my general area.

The dark haired idiot still continued to scream at me. It was then that I turned my back to her and ignored her completely and joined a circle with my friends. She continued to shout like a pissy little 3 year old who’d just been told she can’t have what she wants.

She started to pull my hair, it was at this point I shoved that drunken bitch on her ass. Her fat friend saw this as a call to arms.
“If you touch her again, I’ll get you beaten up, we’re here with friends.” Now, anybody who knows me should know that the threat of violence, when I’m drunk, usually just makes me even worse, it’s not that I like fighting, well actually in part it is but mostly it’s just that I like pissing people off, and quite frankly it makes me feel like a smug fuck when I can push somebody into trying to swing for me, so needless to say I got worse.
“Listen you fat bitch, I don’t know how to put this, but you and your friend couldn’t be more retarded or ugly if you were violently molested in a dungeon for 3 years by a fucking horse, now get the fuck out of my face, before I falcon punch you in the baby maker, doing what society should have done years ago.”
She went crying to her man at this stage, who came over and asked if there was a problem.
“Hell yea, you’re going out with a fat chick” was my response. Rather than swing for me though, he decided I was hilarious…

I win fat girls. I win.

Some immigrants came over asking if we wanted to buy roses. I pretended I was interested,
“How much for a rose?”
“3 pound.”
“Only joking, go fuck yourself”

I did this to the same guy 5 times in a row… I’d say I felt bad, but I’d be lying because it was fucking hilarious.

Anyway, after a bout of power drinking and pretty much refusing to leave till around 3 in the morning we decided that the night should end in Thompsons… ( A local rave and a running joke, ending up at Thompsons as a general rule, is how you know it’s time to go home.)

I got rejected from Thompsons for being too drunk. This might have had something to do with the fact I tried to pay some guy in the queue to get in…

Went to the apartment, where Alan proceeded to throw up all over my trousers… That was nice of him…

I think I pissed on a church.

I’m fairly surprised I wasn’t lifted by police to be honest I did a fair amount of shouting and breaking on the way back to Alan’s, and I’ve been banned from another taxi company, so that’s Model, Value and Fonacabs I’m barred from using now…

I got home at like 4 in the morning and made pizza which resulted in severe burns on my right hand…

Health Notes: It wasn’t cancer, also, I’m shaking uncontrollably, my lungs feel like what I imagine a Jew in a Ziclon B shower would feel like, and in general my health is disintegrating, I’ve lost 4 pounds in 5 days and my heart rate has increased by about 7 bpm. (it was 83 at rest when I started this)

In terms of appearance, I’ve started to look quite pale and sickly, patches of my skin are yellow at times, or maybe I’m just not seeing colours properly anymore It’s hard to tell at the best of times, if I get up too fast I get woozy and disorientated for a minute or two.

I’m also aware that I just told you I made a pizza, and I’m sure you’re thinking, “Doesn’t that mean you’ve failed already,” the short answer is no, the slightly longer answer is that I drunkenly decided the only way for me to eat and stay in the running was if the food had an alcohol content, as such my pizza was cooked in wine….

Predictions: If I haven’t died in my sleep by tomorrow I’ll be very surprised. Things learnt : How to make a quick escape after a friend throws up all over a classy joint. Proper glass throwing etiquette. Pizza in wine is actually quite nice.

31th Januagry – Day Five

I’m branding this as a “recovery day.”

Food consumed : None

Cigarettes smoked : 2

Alcohol Units consumed : 3 units

Times thrown up : 2

General Notes : I think I might have thrown up a good half of my intestines.
Health Notes: All the previously mentioned problems combined with a new one, I slept for 15 hours and still feel tired.

It was 7:35 am, I had just sat down to watch the morning news, because for once, I was both awake at an early hour, and not drunk of my fucking tits from the night before. So needless to say, being up at 7:35 demands some Penny from GMTV and maybe a quick wank… (Penny is by far my favourite presenter… I’ve squezed more out to her than I have to any girlfriend…)

Anyway, I had just caught the words “Daniel Radcliff was seriously injured in a stunt” as they scrolled along the bottom of the screen. “YES!” I screamed, in what can only be described as a childish display of exhilaration in the knowledge that that pathetic little fuck stain was possibly hopefully maybe going to die and get the fuck out of my gene pool once and for all…

Alas, as usual I was just being fucked around. The same headline scrolled along once again. “The stunt double for Daniel Radcliff was seriously injured in a stunt.” Surely “Daniel Radcliff’s stunt double” would have prevented this confusion, fuck you GMTV, fuck you for once again getting my fucking hopes up and making me think there was yet some chance of me finding a glimmer of happiness in my life. Fuck…You…

I hope that fuck Radcliff dies in a freak fire ant insect attack and his flesh is torn from his body as his family are forced to watch (they deserve to suffer for being so retarded as to believe they were worthy of passing on their genetic seed) by swarms of pissed off ants. Fucking poncey little bastard.

“Oh hello there, I just did my A levels, so needless to say, I’ve become a pompous asshole who knows everything, might as well go wank over how artistic I am by standing naked beside a fucking horse for 2 hours!!!”