A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

"How can I help you?" said the doctor.

"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".

"A moth?"

"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".

"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".

"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .

"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."

The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.

"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"

"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the manbehind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!""I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.""Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.

For a few years he worked as a slave laborer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.

Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.

He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.

Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending classes part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.

That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.

Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.

Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.

The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be "accidentally" killed.

The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realized it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.

The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research, they are proud to present the results:

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE p*ssy!"

She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he is a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..."He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big f*cking hole in the floor".

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!" The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband.

The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"

The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.

Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very constipated.

The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. Come to my office in a few days, said the doctor, and let me know how it works.

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

Have you moved yet? asks the doctor.

No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee.

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

An 80 year old man was requested by his physician for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 80 year old man come back and gave doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as yesterday.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man stated "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The physician was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, " WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL !"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf.Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the barfor the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleepwhile you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something?Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deerfrom you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him.

"What's up?" the buddy asked.

"When I got home early I found my wife in bed f*cking another guy," the Polack explained.

"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.

"No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him. "What's up?" the buddy asked. "When I got home early I found my wife in bed f*cking another guy," the Polack explained. "Aren't you furious?" the friend asked. "No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards."

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold thatagainst me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite periodof time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior discount, this is for you. Please pass this along to your children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 Service Station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows it hole.

"Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

"Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.

"He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.

After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the man.

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

"Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000."

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."

He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.2. I would not allow this student to breed.3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.7. This child has been working with glue too much.8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation. The surgeon is standing beside him in the bed. He looks up at the surgeon - full of dread. Our man says timidly "Well, how did the operation go?".

To which the surgeon replies "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.She said, "That was incredible!"He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?""No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".A young man opened the door and let him in.

The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.He said,"The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden.And the same old bed.".

When examining it he found a young girl under the bedThe young man got alarmed and said,"Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".

Once it was asked by one of my Friends, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect for each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

He asked, "Can you explain?"

I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"

I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

He asked, "Then what is your role?"

I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether David Beckham should retire, etc etc and My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating,"Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.

I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out..... you friggin' mosquito!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"Which woke Ed."What's going on?" said Ed."I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted."How come?" said Ed."To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said TedAfter a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?""Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted."Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.

A Fairy told a married couple, "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish".

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. And the fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra!..suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Lesson: Men might be rotten and selfish and inconsiderate ... But, Fairies are...................Female.

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of 'Steve'.

Sam the bartender announcing last call offered his last customer a hand as he kept making the attempt to stand but winding up on the floor. He dragged himself to the door, grabbed onto the door knob and made another attempt. Failed again. Dragging himself out a few feet he leaned against the wall took a deep breath and slurred: "Sure, glad I live next door".

Making his way home and up the three steps to the front door. Grabbing the door knob made another attempt to stand but fell, so into the house he slowly went. He finally made it to bed and fell asleep.

The next morning his wife yelled out: "Harry you were out drinking again!?".

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".The kid said "No, really teacher, it is Johnny Fuckhauer.You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?""Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team).

- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)

- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.

- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

- The British telecom position... you get screwed by them and they never call you back.

- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the arse.

- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).

- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:

The ever-famous..."No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARECOMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore.No, I won't give you head.No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"