HACKWATCH: 100 UNSEXIEST MEN ALIVE (BOSTON PHEONIX)

I’m so frustrated with the level of writing that people actually get
paid for, that I’m starting a regular feature about it. Before you get
any bright ideas, hacks, a future Hackwatch will focus on my
own writing. Of course, the shitty stuff I’ve written is mostly off the
cuff crap before my site got 10 times more readers than your well paid,
hackneyed garbage. Bitterness? Yes, for I will never earn a dime. But
you still fucking suck.

100 Unsexiest Men Alive

By Bill Jensen & Ryan Stewart for The Boston Phoenix

1. Gilbert Gottfried: Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to
Uncle Milty when it comes to what he’s packing, but that still can’t
save him. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what
Kryptonite is to Superman.

I just can’t believe that people can make a living with writing of
this quality. If you must make such an unbelievably hackneyed
reference, at least say something like, “…is sexual Kryptonite.” Thanks
to previous generations of hacks, we know what Kryptonite is without
you prolonging the torture by spelling out Superman’s adverse reaction
to it.

2. Randy Johnson: If he couldn’t throw a ball 100 miles per hour,
Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad
car on Cops. Could you imagine the nights when he pitched to Otis Nixon?

This might be very, mildly funny, if I thought for a moment that you
were subtle enough to intentionally evoke two sets of images with
“pitched.”

3. Roger Ebert: Yes, he lost all that weight. Yes, you still wouldn’t fuck him.

Shouldn’t that be “no, you still wouldn’t fuck him?” Also, Ebert’s
journalistic prose is inspirationally good. You probably shouldn’t have
brought him up, because it’s the seventh reminder of how much you suck,
and we’re only on the third entry on your shitty list. I’ll speculate
that Danger Danger don’t open their shows by talking shit about Miles
Davis.

4. Dr. Phil: Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who is also a bald-headed prick is downright horrid.

For some reason, Joe Pesci dialog from Casino doesn’t work
so well when it’s lifted by men critiquing the sexiness of other men.
I’ll acknowledge that “bald-headed prick” and “horrid” have probably
never appeared in a sentence together, but there’s good reason for
that.

5. Alan Colmes: Not really fair, since he’s got to sit next to brown shirt-stud Hannity each night. But Colmes – lazy eye, unkept hair, droopy features — has a face made for radio. Pirate radio. Garr!!

A face made for radio? Does he really sit around the house? Take your lives, please! Is this thing loaded?

6. Chad Kroeger: It’s not just the massive head, weird face, and bad
hair. It’s also the fact that he’s in Nickelback, the worst band since
the dawn of music.

How can a pair of adult men not be embarrassed to know what the
members of Nickelback look like? Who’s you’re favorite member of
O-Town?

7. Mike Mills: You’d want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you’re trying to get to Pete Buck.

No, you’d want to talk music with REM’s bassist. I want to make wind chimes out of his spinal column. And yours.

8. Osama Bin Laden: Power is sexy (notice how Dick Cheney isn’t on the
list). But a 6’5″, no-vertical-leap mass murdering douche bag is not
getting any style points.

Cheney’s sexy? I knew Ann Coulter was a closet fag hag, but I
figured she ran with fruitcakes who can string two sentences together
without humiliating themselves. Drudge,
for example. Who do you like more, Cheney or the “brown shirt stud,”
Hannity? You know, David Duke’s not a bad lookin’ fellah. And only a
hack’s hack–a hack among hacks who sits atop the peak of hack
mountain, throwing clichés down upon other hacks, would use an article
like this to take a shot at Osama. I’m surprised you didn’t put Lucifer
on your list. “Hey, he’s got a lot of power, but a horned, no pitching
arm source of all evil is not getting any style points. Zing!”

9. Jay Leno: “It would be like having sex with a banana, but not in a
good way,” was what one of our staffers remarked about the fruit-headed
comic.

10. Don Imus: “It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but
not in a good way,” was what the same staffer remarked about the bag of
skin and bones.

You should have had your staffer write the rest of this shit for you
too. Those are nothing to write home about, but she is Thomas Pynchon
to your corpse of a vagrant that has been rotting in the back of an
alley since July. I’m deeply troubled by the implication that you are
full time employees of a newspaper and your job does not involve
unclogging.

11. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has
sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

Congratulations. Although I’ve never seen a mannequin described as
“ugly” and you misspelled ‘mannequin,’ you’ve managed to compose a
sentence that is not completely unfit for publication. Let’s keep a
standing tally. That’s ah-one.

12. Wallace Shawn: Even if you’re attracted to his rounded dome, how can anyone get past that nasally lisp?

“Wallace Shawn has a lisp!” Well, that’s true. Not the criticism one
would expect to resonate through Swish Street, but there it is. Wally
will just have to dry his tears with the money his impediment has made
him as famous character actor.

13. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly
looking Beastie “did it like this, did it like that, did it with a
wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three
feet of him naked.

Jesus, was Bin Laden too tough of a target for you? Yeah, Carrot Top
really annoys me from those phone commercials that stopped airing in
2002. You forgot Joe Piscopo.

17. Jerry Seinfeld: This is for everyone who has ever yelled at the TV when Jerry brought home another model on Seinfeld.

Sometimes you’re so vacuous that I can’t even make fun of you
properly. I’ve never yelled at the TV for showing me a pretty girl. And
Jerry was playing a successful comedian, so it made sense for him to
date hot women. Your sentence is just so drab, it’s rendered me unable
to come up with a colorful way to call you morons.

So like, people become less attractive as they grow older? And most
comedians are less funny thirty years into their careers? “Why, you
couldn’t have been in more than eight or ten hit comedies!!” Suck on that Chevy.

20. Raffi: Maybe it’s his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or
woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with
him.

Speaking of “proffesions,” don’t you have a spellchecker? Or does
your computer just throw up on you whenever you type on it, relegating
you to spiral notebooks?

21. Ron Howard: He was cute as Opie, passable as Richie, but now as Ron
Howard, he’s just plain weird-looking. Especially with a beard.

OK, so you’re pederasts. That’s the least offensive thing about this article.

23. Bill Gates: To quote Dana Carvey: “Gates apparently made a deal
with the devil: ‘You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through
life looking like a turtle.'”

How much of your list is going to consist of just quoting jokes that you heard from other people?
From your number one man: this guy’s wife is in a car crash, and when
he gets to the hospital, the doctor says, “I have some bad news. It was
a terrible accident, and your wife was paralyzed from the neck down.
She’s really going to need you now. You’re going to have to feed her,
clothe her, clean her, help her go to the bathroom, change her
tampons…” The guy says, “Oh my God, this is terrible,” and the doctor
says, “no, I’m just fucking with you. She’s dead.” Boston Phoenix Now
Pay Me!!!

24. Paul Shaffer: The bic’d look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays.

“…plus he makes all those crazy faces when he plays?” Sorry guys,
I’m going to have to turn that snippet into the proper authorities.
It’s just not safe for the two of you to be walking around with GEDs.

25. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs?

I mean… no. It took me 12 seconds to even figure out what
VMAs are because I’m not 15 and/or a retarded hack who would watch
something like that, let alone mentally cataloged each show by year for
quick reference. “Oh, do you remember what a dork the White Power
Ranger was at the ’99 Kid’s Choice Awards? Er… I mean KCAs. I am a professional writer.”

I know I’m being repetitive, but you actually know who Tim Burton is dating. You probably think that’s going to result in the two of you being invited to appear on Extra to wear scarves and critique Oscar gowns, but it just makes you pathetic.

27. Edward James Olmos: Remember season one of South Park? When Kenny was a zombie, everyone assumed it was an Edward James Olmos costume. Wonder why.

I think reading this article is damaging my liver. Look, we’ve all
scooped up a cheap laugh with a Simpsons reference or 6,000, but you
don’t just repeat the joke from the show in its original context, and
be like, “word up.” Hey, remember “The Chris Farley Show,” where he’d
interview celebrities and just be like, “remember in Goodfellas
where they… That was cool.” Chris Farley was a comedian, the joke was
supposed to be that no one could possibly be that stupid. Although
you’ve taken the legs out from under his gag. I encourage you to
continue following Farley’s example.

28. Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12.

Again, although clinging to my 20s, I don’t know what you’re talking
about. I know My Chemical Romance are a band, I’m pretty sure that D-12
are more than one “dude,” and I’m one hundred percent certain that
using the phrase, “at the very least” does nothing to mitigate the fact
that this article seems to have been written by a hydrocephalic and his
hand puppet. But I have no idea what Gerard Way looks like.

29. Don Zimmer: The gerbil’s got a massive, ivory-white noggin’ that
never did much thinking to begin with. Ask any Red Sox fan over 35.

As a straight male, I’m pretty sure that it’s not unusual for a man
in his seventies to be “unsexy.” The only way this could be funny would
be if he had just had a stroke.

31. Chris Kattan

32. Otis Nixon

33. Julian Tavarez

34. Christopher Lloyd

35. Willie McGee

36. Pat Cummings

37. Scottie Pippen

38. Larry David

39. Michael Moore

40. Al Franken: Too arrogant

So you just couldn’t think of anything to say for 31-39? That’s
astounding. You were really happy with what you came up with for Edward
James Olmos, but when it came to Scottie Pippen, who looks like a “Fat
Albert” character, you wound up with a mountain of crumpled up papers
containing ideas that just weren’t good enough to make the cut. “Fuck,
why couldn’t South Park have had a Pat Cummings joke that we could quote?” I like how you
lay out the fact that kryptonite has an adverse effect on Superman for
us, but then just assume everyone knows who Julian Tavarez is. Finally,
you decided that you had to come up with something for the consistently
self-deprecating Franken — because you want to be Fair and Balanced.
How long did it take you to come up with something that is not correct,
funny or even a complete sentence? If you want a quick laugh, just call
him a hairy Jewball for chrisake.

41. Paris Latsis: Maybe not the worst-looking guy in the world, but, well, think about who was there first.

Again, who the fuck is that? I’m supposed to know the name of some
Greek guy offhand because, as I’ve learned from Google, he was briefly
engaged to Paris Hilton two years ago. Also, Paris Hilton is much
smarter than you two combined.

42. Rush Limbaugh: No doubt he will claim his placement on this list as
a result of a media bias and not the fact that he’s just butt-ugly

I doubt it, considering that you’ve been begging for rightward cock
throughout the piece. You realize that “brown shirt” is not a sex act,
right?

43. David Gest

44. Garey Busey: Those teeth would give anyone nightmares.

45. Nick Nolte: Busey’s oddball partner in crime, but at least he had a career once.

Yeah, I’m sure Nolte got no tang whatsoever in the 70s, 80s, 90s and
right through to the present day. Nice jab at Busey. That poor fuck
probably thinks that making millions as an international movie star
constituted having a career. But a couple of semi-literate trouser
snake spittoons know better! Is David Gest, your mailman?

46. Leif Garrett

47. Andy Dick: It’s a trap!

48. Scott Stapp

49. Lyle Lovett

You could vastly improve this section by changing your Andy Dick comment to match the other three.

50. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don’t care.

51. Bill Wyman

52. Danny DeVito

53. Peter Jackson

54. Drew Carey

55. Newt Gingrich

56. Rob Schneider

This is just so fucking boring. I guess the lazier you get, the
sooner it ends but, I can’t believe you got paid for this. And that it
took the two of you to not write anything for half of your choices.

57. Ed O’Neil: We love ya, Ed, but sorry. There was a reason you never waited on any really hot girls at that shoe store.

You done crossed the line. Das my boy. Though cursed with unshakable
heterosexuality, I would fuck Al Bundy after half a glass of beer.
Also, shoe salesmen don’t “wait” on people.

58. Bill O’Reilly

How can you draw a blank when it comes to O’Reilly and sex? Just write the word “falafel” or quote something from his novel.

Ashley felt two large hands wrap themselves around her breasts and
hot breathe on the back of her neck. She opened her eyes wide and
giggled, “I thought you drowned out there snorkel man.”

Tommy O’Malley was naked and at attention. “Drowning is not an option”,
he said, “unless of course you beg me to perform unnatural acts —
right here in this shower.” –Those Who Trespass, Bill O’Reilly

You fucking hacks.

59. Clay Aiken: This feels like a cheap shot, but even leaving aside
the rumors about his personal life, he still looks like someone’s
bratty little brother.

Of all the people on this list, you feel guilty about taking a shot
at Clay Aiken? And two men making a list of unsexy men are going to go
after him for being gay? If you ever read this piece and feel
insulted, take solace in knowing how truly painful it was for me to
read your entire article. My monitor is starting to give off a
sulfurous odor.

I have this terrifying vision of you lurching through a thesaurus to
come up with the word ‘abound.’ Your comment for Maher could not
possibly have been written by a native English speaker.

65. John Madden: Those massive hands seem more frightening than anything. Boom!

Again, you’ve missed the joke that would be obvious to even most of
your fellow hacks: years of openly gay commentary in Madden football
games.

66. Robert Englund: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about Freddy Krueger.

67. Robert Patrick: Seriously, try lying in bed next to him without thinking about the T-1000

Not funny either time. Neither makes sense. They’re unsexy because
they played their roles convincingly and you can’t tell the difference
between movies and reality? Does that make Roberto Benigni sexy for you
because of his role in Pinocchio?

68. John Ashcroft

69. Joe Gannascolli

Again, Ashcroft seems to be a pretty easy target. “We’d sooner bone
Mel Carnahan.” I assumed that Joe Gannascoli was an organ grinder who
worked your block, until I Googled him and discovered that you
misspelled his name.

70. Kevin James: His TV marriage to Leah Remini on King of Queens is less believable than anything on Lost.

Not really, because, based on the four minutes of the show that I’ve
seen, she’s an annoying bitch and a better looking guy would not
tolerate her. I’m sort of beating a dead horse here, but I really
cannot believe how poorly written this fucking thing is. It’s
stupefying. In editions of Hackwatch five years from now, I’ll
still be saying “of course, it’s not as bad as 100 Unsexiest Men or
anything, but I’d still rather wander a nursing home, chugging
colostomy bags than read it again.”

71. George Steinbrenner: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.

OK, you can be forgiven this single instance of predictability and
triteness. After all, I’m still fucking rolling about Danny DeVito
making the list! Danny DeVito is ugly!! Woo hoo, that was just gold. I
might have to sue you guys for splitting my sides.

72. Grady Little: Come on, we live in Boston, you knew it was coming.

If I got all of the Red Sox to sign a petition asking you to take a toaster bath, would you do it?

73. Harvey Pekar

74. DJ Qualls: What’s he weigh, like, 70 pounds? How much of that is grease?

75. Joey Buttafuoco

76. Garry Shandling

77. Meat Loaf Aday

78. Joe Walsh

Christ on a cock… Joey Buttafuoco? That was tired and hackneyed by
the standards of Jay Leno like 15 years ago. Just stop. Please, never
write anything again. Sign your checks with a fucking stamp. Get
stickers with your return address on them.

79. Tom from Myspace: As a friend of mine said, why does he have to be
everyone’s friend? Isn’t that a little needy? Not hot at all.

Right, because Tom actually sits down at the computer all day,
personally asking each member of MySpace to be his friend. It’s not
just a way to help people with new accounts get started, it’s an
alternative to the tedium of fucking four strippers at a time on top of
a pile of Honus Wagner cards, bond certificates and pure cocaine that
he snorts through the Magna Carta. Do you two wear matching helmets?
Wait, of course you do.

80. Art Garfunkel

81. Brian Posehn

82. Howie Mandel

83. Barry Bonds If what his mistress told the authors of Game of Shadows is true, then no, you don’t want any part of that.

What, does he force women to read The Boston Phoenix while he fucks them?

84. Dick Vitale Call it a hunch, but we have a feeling that sex with Dickie V. would be anything but “awesome, baby.”

Burned!!

85. Richie “La Bamba” Rosenberg

86. Jeff Van Gundy

87. Jimmy Johnson: It’s the hair

Three selections and you come up with, “It’s the hair.” I really hate you guys. Like, if I were Osama, you’d be Bay Watch dubbed into Yiddish.

88. John Clayton: How is this ESPN’s top football guy?

“Call it a hunch,” but maybe because he knows a fucking lot about
football? If I ever meet you two, I want to go on record as saying that
the ensuing violence will be hack-bashing, which is not technically a
hate crime. I might bring a gay guy to help with the beating, just to
insure prison time is minimized. As if any jury would convict me.

89. Don Vito: I suppose we were never really supposed to know what Bam
Margera’s uncle looks like, but since we do, he has to be included.

90. Lemmy Kilmister: Sadly, the ravages of time have not been kind to him.

91. Hideki Matsui

91. Jose Canseco: “Every time I have tried to help a woman, I’ve been incarcerated,” he famously said on The Surreal Life. You old charmer, you.

92. Bill Parcells: Especially when you see the photos of him in shorts at training camp

93. Ric Flair: To be the man WOO! you got to… do something about those man boobs!

Doesn’t the government provide you with some kind of aid or caretaker? Shouldn’t they have written this?

94. Ralph Nader

95. Dennis Kucinich: Something about those progressives.

Two gay men: You want us to have the same rights as everyone else?
Ewwwww. Cheney is hot! That’s more repugnant than hackneyed, I suppose,
but I’d still laugh at you if you caught the HIV.

96. Horatio Sanz: Laughing at your own jokes is not sexy

97. Dom DeLuise

98. Emeril Lagasse

99. Kevin Federline: Mooching hicks aren’t so hot these days.

Just fucking agonizing. I’m running towards the light.

100.Brad Pitt: He may look good, but if the rumors about his hygiene and BO issues are true, then he’s probably not worth it.

Only a gay man could write this. The entire point of looking like
Brad Pitt is that you have the luxury of neglecting hygiene completely,
while still pulling preposterous tail. Also, if you were crawling
through the desert and saw an oasis with a pool of fresh, clean water
in one direction, and a petri dish with a drop of Pitt’s semen in the
other direction, you know perfectly well that you’d die happy and
dehydrated. Including him in the list is does not make you original or
creative.