The Key to Bitter Success

I’ve been in the bitter blog game for a while. It’s been a roller coaster ride that never seems to end. There was the super slow climb to the peak of the roller coaster where it took more than six months for anyone to notice that it even existed, to the peak like 2 years ago when WordPress noticed, and all kinds of people came out of the woodwork to recognize me for all the random jumbled words that somehow came out in an organized fashion to make some sense to someone, to the epic, continual fall that never seems to go deep enough. Society and I seem to have been in the same freefall ever since.

You may think that after 3 and half years, I’ve found the key to success of a blog. Well, you would finally be right for once, my fremenies. Ready for the answer? Got your recorder? Or your permanent pencils to write this down? Ready to Tweet and Facebook this to all your “followers” as soon as you hear this? Have you lined up a TED talk for this? What is a TED talk anyways? Are you ready to make more money than you have ever imagined by blogging?

Yes, I have an idea worth spreading. My laser to your front porch.

Ready? The secret to being a super successful blog is laser like focus. Actually, what I mean by that is a Laser. I’m not talking about those stupid laser pointers that you use to point at a Powerpoint presentation or at a person to make the cat scratch them up. I’m talking Dr. Evil laser beams attached to a sharks head type laser. I’m talking the kind that Optimus Prime and Megatron had pointed at each other in the cartoons type laser. I’m talking the kind that create large craters in the center of a farmers field. The kind that make mountains out of molehills.

The kind that attach to sharks heads, yes.

The red hot molten laser that makes lava in someone’s backyard. The persuasive type of tool that isn’t allowed on planes. The kind that the government likes to hunt down and stop. The kind that causes a video to go viral and that makes it on the nightly news, but more importantly Twitter. The kind of laser that can spell out Bensbitterblog.com on the side of a mountain for all people to be able to see as you are being searched for(mostly on Google).

Do you see where I’m going with all this? I am talking about skipping the traditional ways of going viral. Waiting for you kid to fall and capturing it on video, or accidentally stumbling onto a Batman mask and then talking to your kids like Batman does. That is way too random and you, my bitter not friend at all, don’t have the patience for any of that. You need to go viral right now. You need to get guerrilla marketing right now.

So, if you are reading this post right now, I assume you are just going to 1) Like it, 2) Share it, 3) Repost it, 4) Tweet it, 5) Facebook it, 6) Tell your local news about it, 7) Subscribe to it 8) Make a Youtube video out of it 9) Send it to all the people in your town that like to talk a lot 10) You will call the local admakers you know to get them to advertise on my site, 11) You will send money to my GoFundMe page in which I have the goal of a billion dollars to make another laser to use against you and all mankind if you don’t send me more money.

Oh wow, you would do that for me?

So, how did you like my post? If you liked it, remember to share with your friends! (or it’s gonna get hot in hurrr).

I think the fact that I liked it and am also now failing miserably as second place commenter on your sight makes up for the fact that I am not sharing it. I really don’t want my friends to know I communicate with someone like you on a regular basis.