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That’s all it would take. A quick DNA check. He cranks open his jaw, something he does 148 times per hour anyway, and in darts a cheek swab. Soon after, mystery solved: we find out if he’s really the biological father of Ivanka.

Me, I’m not buying it anymore. I’m done with this charade. This is one of the greatest political deceptions of all time and it stops here.

Genetically related? Donald and Ivanka don’t seem like the same species. Ivanka is a field of roses. Donald is a weedy jequirity, an invasive perennial laced with bright red seeds that are lethally toxic. Ivanka is a hug. Donald is a razor blade. Ivanka is a cool breeze on a muggy night. Donald is a hurricane of crazy, huffing and puffing until he blows the free world down.

The striking contrast between Trump and his alleged daughter has now become a storyline. In a profile this weekend, the New York Times said Ivanka “radiates disciplined poise and practiced reserve.” Previous descriptions include “reasonable,” “amicable,” “loyal,” “sweet” “level-headed” and “a delight.”

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The only way she could sound less like her alleged father is if Ivanka were also: an inspiration for women; close pals with Chelsea Clinton; a convert to Judaism who keeps kosher and observes the Sabbath; a gifted writer; a devoted spouse and friend; philosophical about the spiritual trappings of wealth.

Oh, wait. She is all of those things?

The more I see Donald and Ivanka on the campaign trail, the less familial they seem. Jot down the variances in how they blink, exhale, orient to loud sounds, smile, board escalators, wave and even flash the thumbs up.

You can barely see Donald’s thumb, it’s so freakishly small.

Now consider this: if Ivanka were Donald’s biological daughter, would he brag to Howard Stern about her “great body”? That seems odd. Would he confess on The View, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her”?

While incest jokes are never presidential, I’d argue there’s another explanation for these creepy outbursts: Donald knows Ivanka is not his daughter.

Since Trump is highly litigious and I’m remarkably poor, I want to be careful before revealing the next part of my investigation. So I will borrow a disclosure model Trump used in 2011 while questioning the birthplace of Barack Obama.

As Trump told Fox News that year: “(Obama) doesn’t have a birth certificate. Now, he may have one, but there’s something on that birth certificate — maybe religion, maybe it says he’s a Muslim — I don’t know.”

Has anyone seen Ivanka’s birth certificate? Is it possible there is something on there — maybe it lists her real father, maybe it says she was born in Czechoslovakia, I don’t know — that could cost Trump the Republican nomination, since she’s easily the secret weapon in his campaign down the stretch?

Or, worse, jeopardize her own future bid for the White House?

There’s more, I’m afraid. When she was a child, why did media stories spell her first name “Ivancka,” with a “c” that’s since vanished? What is the significance of that lost letter? Could it help us identify her real father?

I entered variables into a database, searching for powerful men who may have secretly rendezvoused with Ivana Trump before daughter Ivanka was born in 1981.

Through geographic conflict or common sense, some names were quickly dismissed. Sylvester Stallone? Michael Bloomberg? Please. But as my search deepened, one name kept landing in the “highly possible” field. This man, based in Arkansas at the time, and the same age as Donald, had reason to visit New York starting in 1979.

This man also has a strange career gap between 1981 and 1983. And his own marital fidelity was once suspect.

Let me ask you something: Have you noticed how effortlessly Ivanka turns tough questions into something positive? Does the ratio of her grin-to-key messages remind you of anyone? Well, this is what Chelsea Clinton told Vogue about her friend Ivanka last year: “She’s always aware of everyone around her and ensuring that everyone is enjoying the moment. It’s an awareness that in some ways reminds me of my dad.”

Chelsea and Ivanka are so close they’ve been described as “like sisters.”

But what if we removed the “like”? What if that missing “c” stands for . . . Clinton?

There is only one way to find out. Donald Trump needs to have a paternity test and announce the results before the Republican convention in July. If we can’t believe him about fatherhood, we can’t believe him about anything.

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