How to Survive the LBP

As our ascension is surely near, for the hundredth time, I thought it might be useful to advise those who are just entering the light body process on what to expect and how to react.

1. First come up with a good excuse for your condition. Forget anything esoteric just come up with a condition. People generally sympathize with those who are ill and like to watch those who are suffering. Don’t say anything overdone as menopause or fibromyalgia and not too scary like cancer. Say you suffer from anatomical rearranging syndrome or something like that. Everyone knows syndromes are incurable so you will not be expected to recover.

Get your religious affairs in order. Do not proclaim to be a guru or teacher or anyone that knows anything. People hate smart asses particularly smarter than themselves. Join a church. Particularly Baptist or Catholic. These generally have benevolent funds which you will definitely need. Also many of them have soup kitchens and used clothes closets and many other perks that you will find useful. When talking to people often say things like “God helps those who help themselves”, “God works in mysterious ways”, “When one door opens another closes”, Pious people love to hear things like that because it shows you have no power over your life just like them.

Get your financial affairs in order. Apply for every disability, grant, charity etc. Sell all you possessions before they are repossessed. Stash all your cash in a safe unknown spot. The universe will try to find all your money but don’t tell the universe where it is hidden. Then at needed times bring out small amounts and claim it is your last. Working at a job may not be possible unless it involves really flexible hours and no interaction with people. Maybe like a part-time relief guard at a funeral home midnight to 4 AM.

Make up with relatives and friends only if they have money and are willing to give some of it to you if you behave. If they have money kiss up to them big time. Even a few dollars may be the difference between being homeless or not during your journey.

Stock up on essentials. Gas-X, big rolls of toilet paper, cases of paper towels. I won’t tell you what these are for as they might scare you. Buy big picture books of all the exotic places your former friends will be visiting while you are unable to even read. But you can look at the pictures most days anyway. Buy lots of tissues for emotional releases and a good mattress for much, much, much, downtime. Also helpful will be pads of paper and pencils to write down all the odd number combinations you will be seeing on clocks, cash register receipts and license plates.

Prepare for a change in diet. Those former raw and natural foods you so proudly thought were good for you will now be disgusting. Instead stock up on M and M’s, cheese balls, ice cream, fudge sauce and anything else you used to think was unhealthy.

Prepare for a change in bathroom habits. I won’t go there.

Prepare to have every small dream dashed and every plan reversed and instead settle for a long nap.

Did I mention sex? I thought not and I will not because there will be not.

And never trust the universe to take care of you. If you do you will probably end up in an old bus or abandoned appliance cart for housing. Make up with your former x and maybe you can stay in their garage or basement.