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Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Goonswarm Federation Kicked From the CFC

In what is perhaps the most shocking event to occur in the last eleven years of Eve, alliances once labelled as 'carebears' and 'cowards' have succeeded in doing what most of nullsec and all of highsec have been trying to do for the past nine years: destroying Goonswarm Federation.

It has emerged the leaders of various CFC alliances gradually became more disloyal to The Mittani following B-R5RB. They faced the constant humiliation of being called 'goon pets' by Gevlon Goblin, instilling the desire to be free in the minds of various alliance CEOs. The spark for the revolution took the form of a Snot Shot EN24 article. The Mittani began to receive obscene statements from his allies such as "are you going to kill us like to killed GENTS and Li3" and "why did you use our monthly tribute to pay for drinks at Fanfest?"

FCON, a capable C-tier, maybe D-tier CFC alliance, were the first to take a stand against the tyranny of their overlords. They demanded Goonswarm give them 50 systems of their space and never burn Jita again. Needless to say their aggressive rhetoric was beaten back by the silver-tongued Goonswarm directorate, but they then demanded that FCON reform their alliance and change their ticker to FGOON to make an example of alliances that do not worship Goonswarm.

Several alliances leapt to the defence of FCON. In a desperate effort to defuse the situation, Goonswarm offered to slash the 100 bil isk/month tribute for Dabigredboat's officer-fit Manticore fund by 5%. While this did pacify FA, it only infuriated the rest of the coalition.

After a tense week of standoff between Goonswarm and the CFC, Goonswarm realised they would not be able to withstand the assault motivated by three years of anger, and peacefully retreated to highsec. It's believed they will begin a highsec-wide ice interdiction, which will be done not by destroying mining barges but by mining and depleting the ice before it can be touched by highsec miners. It's believed most Goonswarm corporations will apply for asylum in The Bastion however, effectively killing the alliance. Test have been invited to move into Deklein, as of yet they have not responded.

Many expected N3 to move in on the severely weakened coalition now they have lost a third of their supercapital and capital fleet, 11,000 members and the majority of their block-level FCs. Instead, they were the first to extend the hand of friendship to the CFC by offering +10 standings to most CFC alliances and +5 standings to FA. Most of Goonswarm's leadership have retreated to a single mumble channel where an airhorn rendition of Beethoven's Symphony #5 has been playing for several hours.