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Archive for May, 2009

This blog was always incomplete. There has hardly been any reference of the force that keeps me going. Of the wind beneath my wings. I always wanted to write about him, but the pressure of finding the right words to convey my sentiments seemed too overwhelming. Today however, I shall try and put into words what I feel.

Although I’ve known Mint for about 6 years now, it was just an evening of casual conversation that nurtured the germination of my joy and our journey. Sometime in the past, I’ve written a post that talks about the grief I went through because of the ex. It had been a year since we parted, and I had still not recovered completely. I wrote about how I waded through life. The entrance of Mint into my life at that time, brought with it new horizons of hope. He picked me out of my fears and gave me new reasons to dream. He rebuilt my confidence in myself. His caring ways made me fall in love with him gradually. It has been a long time now. He’s is my strength, my pride and my source of joy. Very cliched yes, but very true indeed.

He did, and continues to add a million smiles to my face by doing the sweetest of things for me. I absolutely adore the way he says ‘O-keyy’ and ‘haaaan?’. I love the way he calls me his ‘angel’. I adore the childlike way in which he sulks in a corner if he is upset with me. I love the way he has blended into my family. I love the effort he takes to talk to my parents and my sister.

When he was here, I loved the way he would ask me to stand straight and then button up my long black winter coat. I loved the way he’d make me wear my socks and then tie my laces. When we travelled to Scotland, I remember being so sleepy and grumpy when we reached because of the sleepless night and the journey. And then when we went to some quiet bar, he just sat there doing nothing at all, staring at nothing in particular for a good two hours, and lending me his shoulder to sleep on. When I woke up, I asked him how he could stay so still for so long, and do nothing at all and just sit there? Wasn’t he bored? All he told me was he wanted to let me sleep and he was happy he could let me do that. He has gifted me memories for life.

When I’ve been harrowed, haggard and lost during my submissions, he’s stayed up entire nights to work on my assignments, and then gone to work in the morning without a minute’s sleep. How can I ever thank him enough?

He actually makes funny faces for me on demand. I select the yahoo emoticon and ask him to mimic the funny facial expressions and actions and he really does it. It makes me laugh and chuckle forever.

I want to write about a lot of other incidents which have been so special to me, so that I have a record to come back to over time. But I do realise a single post is not enough. So the coming few posts are going to talk about a lot of ‘Minty episodes’.

Knowing Mint, he’s going to be mad when he reads this! He believes I always create a very good impression about him, and thus generate a very biased view. First of all, relax Mint, cos hardly anybody knows of this blog! But to be fair, at this point, I’ll add, that the above mentioned incidents and facts only show one side of his. There is more to him than that. He also yells at me, fights with me, loses his patience and gets me mad as well. But isn’t that what makes us real? We all know an overdose of sugar and sweetness can cause diabetes.

Lastly, since I did not want to continue blogging under my real name, I am changing it to something that complements Mint, albeit in an indirect way. Henceforth, I am Pepper. Consequently, I have edited the “About me” section on the left that describes me and the blog.

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While I was growing up, my mom and dad would often take me for night drives around the sea-face, and we would sit there on the benches watching ‘the moonie’. I’ve always been mesmerised by the beauty of the moon, and I am spellbound each time I gaze at the white gleam in the darkness. When I moved into this house, I was very disappointed because my bedroom has a small window. Moreover, the direction of the room is such that the moon was not always visible easily.

In the past few days however, I have actually been able to spot the moon when I sit by the window. I’ve been delighted! I turn off the light, get my duvet next to the window, snuggle up and listen to ‘Chandni Raatein‘ as I watch the moon. It adds a big smile to my face :-). Ah, the small joys of life!

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There are times when you get so irked by someone, you want to smack them in the face. When you are so annoyed, you wish that someone would just vanish into thin air. I live with one such person. His aim in life is to come up with novel ways to trouble me. He is officially named PITA on this blog. It stands for Pain In The Ass. He will no longer be referred to as U, an abbreviation of his name. Henceforth, he is Pita. Pita is my friend P’s boyfriend. The three of us live together.

If I am having a peaceful shower, Pita will rub his hands in glee and switch off the bathroom light. I always wished we had the switches inside the bathroom instead of having them outside. It gives him such an advantage. I’ve often struggled to wash off the shower gels, hunted for my towel, and stuck my head out to yell at him. Our bathroom does not even have a window and it is pitch dark inside without the light. If I am too lazy to step out of the shower, I’ll plead with him to switch on the light. Obviously he uses this opportunity to make me say things and agree to terms that I would not say or agree to under normal circumstances.

If I am sleeping for long hours, he’ll insist on me waking up. Keep knocking on my bedroom door, calling out to me and annoy me till I wake up. Total Pita!

He has other tactics to get me worked up as well. If I ask him the time for instance, he’ll add another hour to the real time before telling me. It will make me run around to get things done. When I discovered this tactic and stopped asking him the time, he sneakily changed the time in my cell phone and increased it by another hour. He then enjoyed seeing me get worked up and run around to get to class on time. And then laughed more when I realised what had happened, and when I wondered what to do with a spare hour in my hands..

If I want something, he’ll insist on me not having it, just to make things difficult and annoy me. If I say something, he’ll say something contradictory just to oppose me. And then grin.

And the way he loves scaring me. He will continue to hide behind doors and stand in the passage just to pounce on me when I walk around the house. I have told him I am going to be a heart patient soon and it is going to be only because of him.

But then, he also makes coffee for me and brings me breakfast in bed. He forces me to eat when I tell him I wanna skip a meal. He looks after me if I am unwell. He buys me chocolates, candies and muffins each time he buys P that stuff. He insists on calling me his sister-in-law and not his sister. Since P, his beloved girl happens to be one of my best friends, I let him decide what he wants to name our relationship. To me, it doesn’t matter. He annoys the hell outta me, but then he is also extremely nice and caring. We grin, we laugh, we quarrel endlessly, and amuse P no end. If we move out, I am definitely going to miss this Pita.

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Its been a while now. I sit at my desk and watch the loose sheets of paper lying around me. But each time I pick up a sheet to read, all I end up doing is doodling or scribbling random gibberish on the blank ends. Attempting to study seems to be a futile process. My eyes stare at the printed text mechanically. I continue to read, but my brain does not interpret a word. Before I know it, I realise I’ve reached the end of the page without really assimilating a single line I’ve read. And then it starts to happen. I travel in my mind, and visit destinations that disturb me and I feel so distraught at the end of these short mental trips.

Maybe a mug of hot strong coffee will help, I think. I make myself the coffee and bring it back to my desk. It provides little motivation. I continue to live in my pensive and dazed world as the coffee turns luke warm. I force it down before it turns into a messed up version of cold coffee.

I then decide to move to the bed. Maybe I should just sit back and relax myself while I read. It only results in my mental flights taking off more frequently and landing at junctions that make me want to curl up and hide under my duvet. And that is exactly what I do; pull up the covers and lie beneath.

A long shower perhaps. It may help in clearing my thoughts. I am not sure how long I stand under the shower, but it clearly does not help. The moment I try to study, I realise I am as disoriented as ever. Sigh.

I know I cannot afford to let this happen. Each day that is passing by is going to cost me heavily. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could momentarily extract my brain and put it for a wash. Use some effective cleansing detergent and scrub of the grime. I would then insert it back only when it would be totally fresh and purified. Once all the distressing thoughts are filtered, I am sure I wouldn’t have any trouble absorbing what I read.

For now, I will go back to trying my old ways and hope I achieve some results, even if negligible.

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– Realise I rinse and stack the dishes in the sink while they wait to be washed. And get mad if people don’t. Just like you

– Find myself asking people to put the butter back in the fridge after its been used. Just like you

– Stand in the kitchen with the napkin slung on my shoulder. Just like you.

– End up covering pans with plates instead of lids. Just like you.

– Realise that it is important for everyone to be able to clear the food waste from the drainage in the sink and not be repulsed. Just like you.

– Find myself urging people to eat more. Just like you.

– Be the first one to run into the kitchen if someone needs pickle/water/salt. Just like you.

– Get mad at myself for being so absentminded at times. Just like you.

– Understand the importance of affection and expressing your love openly. Just like you

– Find myself laughing out aloud for the lamest of reasons. Just like you.

– Have the same expression of annoyance when someone or something bugs me. Just like you.

– Want to help some person in need by contributing a few pounds, even if I cant afford it. And then feel happy about it. Just like you.

– Tilt my head and smile. Just like you.

– Use the expressions you do, to tell people how much I love them. Just like you.

Maybe it is a part of growing up. Maybe it is maturity kicking in. Or perhaps it is just me missing you. Either ways, I do see glimpses of you in me. Someday, I hope I can be something like the warm, exuberant and understanding person that you are. Someday mama, I hope I can be just like you.

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The past month has been quite stressful for me. I’d say its mainly because of the submissions. And, because I worry like hell.

I worried about finishing my assignments on time. I worried about not doing them well enough. I worried about not spending enough time with my family when I was in India. I worried about not seeing them soon again. I worry about the things happening at present. I worry about the state my bones are in. I worry about not eating right. I worry about not exercising. I worry about not having sufficient knowledge and experience in cooking. I worry about not having enough money. I worry about not waking up on time. I worry about not being efficient enough and completing regular domestic chores. I worry about my thesis. I worry about visa issues. I worry I’ll not have enough time and enthusiasm to enjoy this place. I worry about getting the right job. I worry about whether I’ll continue to live here or move else where. I worry about triggers that make me react in violent ways. I worry about my recent unstable behaviour. I worry about gaining acceptance from Mint’s parents. I worry that I am falling short in every single way. I worry about what the future holds for me. I worry about the results this sem. I worry my dreams will never come true. I worry, I worry, I worry.. Sigh

I’ve experienced ripples of anxiety passing through me and the result has been a very frazzled me. This is why I agreed to give myself a break. The place seemed perfect to unwind. And now I want to put down parts of the trip, so that I can read it and have a reason to smile on days when I get too caught up in this web of negativity.

We spent the first part of the day on the rides. Or should I say, getting our bodies jostled and our bones jolted. Here is a pic :

Those are heads in the picture dropping down to the earth at lightning speed. Such rides were fun no doubt, but were responsible for tearing the muscles in my neck and shoulders and making me feel the disjointed pieces of my back.

After the rides, we played games and U won a really big heart shaped stuff toy for P. No wait, it wasn’t just big. It was enormous. So enormous that we had to carry it with our arms outstretched, and had to take turns to carry it. It resulted in aching arms and a very restricted view. Both of us had a couple of falls while walking with the giant sized heart, cos we couldn’t really see the ground below, nor could we clearly see the direction in which we were heading. It was also fun to see people smiling at us as they passed by. After a while, we realised we were being stupid by attempting to carry it the way we were. Used our common sense and the two of us carried it by holding on to the ends, or rather, ‘hands’.

It really is a hell lot huger than it appears to be in this pic.

We then ate lunch at a mexican joint. After that, I wanted to explore the place by myself, so I set off, at the risk of being hopelessly lost. I proceeded to what was called the ‘gloomy woods’. But with a lush expanse of green, and a stream merrily gushing along your path, gloomy is the last thing I would call it. The woods were lovely and very serene, and made me thoroughly enjoy my walk there.

After walking out of that place, I decided to sit back under a tree and listen to music. Something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time, and I did just that!

We later went and sat by a pond. They had these comfortable reclining chairs on the grass beside the pond. We watched the ducks wander around and could actually hear the gurgling sounds of the water. A relaxing evening indeed!

I loved this place. Not only did it have rides that made you feel that rush of adrenaline, it was also in close touch with nature, making it the perfect destination for fun combined with some quiet retrospection. I love England for having such places. I hope I get a chance to go there once again….