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Brokeback Mountain

Bomb Rating:

Warning: Euphemisms!

Warning: Euphemisms!

This movie is sort of like "Willy Wonka" meets "Lonesome Dove" because it's about cowboys and candy, if you ask me. It takes place in 1963 where two young ranch hands, Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis ("Don't call me anus") Del Mar (Heath Ledger) meet outside the office of Joe Aguirre (Randy Quaid) in Wyoming. Joe sends them off to spend the winter herding cattle on Brokeback Mountain.

It's on Brokeback Mountain that Jack and Ennis discover their mutual love of candy. Because candy is not something cowboys and "real men" normally get excited about, Ennis and Jack resist their urge for sweets, but after awhile, it gets the better of them. One night, Jack looks at Ennis and asks him if he likes fudge. Well, it turns out that Ennis loves fudge. In fact, they both love fudge so much that they're certain everyone they know would like fudge and they should send them some fudge, so the two of them spend a lot of time on Brokeback packing fudge. And not only do they discover they like regular fudge, but that fudge with nuts is excellent too!

Of course, both Jack and Ennis want to be known and respected as cowboys and not fudge packers, so once they part, they agree to keep their mutual love of fudge a secret. However, keeping that info a secret turns out to be a rocky road. Ennis marries Alma (Michelle Williams), who entices him with her goo goo cluster and pair of jelly rings. This causes Ennis to temporarily stop thinking about fudge because they even have a couple of runts.

Jack marries Lureen (Anne Hathaway) and though Jack knows in his heart that he loves fudge, Lureen uses her charms and gets him to try her Cherry Mash and after putting his tongue into the soft, pink center, he decides to keep on trying it good and plenty. But Jack longs for fudge even though Lureen thinks he's her big hunk. However, Lureen's father clearly suspects something is up. He pressures Jack to get a better job, as though the couple could live on 5th avenue or something.

But Jack and Ennis can't stop thinking about each other and they find themselves reunited after several years to take fishing trips, where they sit and marvel at the milky way and the occasional starburst that dots the sky above them like two slow pokes not cow pokes, as they share chuckles and pack fudge.

Although they both resist packing fudge, the urge gets the best of them, dominates and ruins their lives, turning them and us into sentimental, blubbering goobers.