Monday, January 5, 2009

Letters From Outside “The Comments Section”

Not all of the observations generated by this blog appeared in the appropriate “comments” section at the end. Some folks have not grasped the mechanism in place to post a comment. They send their remarks to one of my e-mail addresses, which is fine with me. Others feel their insight, recommendations, or demands are too pointed for general consumption, and they too direct their communications to my e-mail addresses. Finally, I am somewhat chagrined to admit I get a number of proposals from women, who insist that I respond to their off-blog letters in kind. But I see no reason why I shouldn’t share these with my readers (unless you recognize one of these writers as your wife or girlfriend and take it the wrong way).

Below is a random sample of some of the more interesting e-mail (relating to this blog) I have received in the past few months. I am including them here for your edification. It shows the power, scope, and growing appeal of Twisted Roads.

For those of you who are just tuning in after a prolonged Christmas/New Years Holiday absence, the previous story is significant as it is the accurate depiction of my riding club’s first event for 2009, which took place on January 1st. While reading it may seem like attending a reunion at someone else’s school, I guarantee you will still find a few gems in the text. And the one before that is special as it is the absolute truth about the first long-distance ride I ever took -- on a Kawasaki Triple. Technically, it qualifies me as an international rider.

And a word of warning regarding a story that will be posted in two or three days. It is an accurate account of a dark period in my life that I have never shared with my biking friends before. I regard it as moto content because of the ending. There is a strong possibility that the ending of this story may lower me in the estimation of my women readers (if that is possible), and in the opinion of some men. I sincerely hope not. But it happened and it has merit as a story. I am a wiser, older man now. But decisions made in youth can still be somewhat perplexing years later.

Letters From Outside “The Comments Section”

Hi Jack!I'm here in Germany and reading your blog story about the first (Mac-Pac) ride in 09. It is cold and my bike is not registered in the winter and I don't have a car. The busses and trains are not so bad. I also made a resolution about next year’s January ride, I will not travel (abroad) but ride in PA.

My friend's here felt really sorry for your lack of a heated vest and where ready to pass the hat to purchase such a garment for the underprivileged American, until I informed them of the necessary size and power requirements.

Being Germans, the impromptu engineering started almost immediately. A trailer with a Diesel powered generator was found to be too small. A small nuclear generating plant was not GREEN enough. The last decision was to push forward with the PLASMA driven power plant design regardless of the cost. There was concern for the timing. I reassured them, that by the time you lost enough weight to make your knees work again, the Plasma technology would be well established.

You see Jack, even in Europe, people are knowing you, thinking about you and are concerned about your welfare.

Fondest regards,Horst OberstMac-Pac International Rider

Dear Jack:Before I met you, people called me Mr. Bregstein. I commanded respect and admiration. Folks looked up to me as a role model. After 11 months of your blog, however, I am now known as Bundt Cake Bregstein, Bermuda Triangle Bregstein, and Leather Dick Bregstein. I am regarded as your sidekick, which is like being a sidecar on a garbage truck. I demand you change your image in 2009, or at least mine.

Sincerely,Dick Bregstein

P.S. I think your suggestion to move at least one of our twice-monthly lunches to a local Hooters is a good idea.

Dear Jack:Thank you again for stopping on I-81 when my bike broke down. Who would have thought that a muffler bushing could have been responsible for killing my bike’s electrical system! It was a lucky thing for me you stopped and assessed the problem so quickly. More amazing is the fact that the Harley replacement part is a one-piece installation about four feet long. You were very kind to offer to go and get it for me, at your own expense. Naturally, it would be difficult for you to carry this back by yourself, and it made perfect sense that my girlfriend ride with you to assist in this.

But that was five days ago and I am still here by the side of the road. When do you think the dealer will get the part?

(Sent via Blackberry)Smilin’ Stuart

PS: Please tell April that I found a halter top that looked just like hers on the shoulder of the road about two miles from where you picked her up. Isn’t that Amazing! Now she’ll have two!

You Fat Son of A Bitch:I don’t care what your lawyer says, this kid looks like you and I want money. You left your bottle of male “birth control” pills on the night table... The bottle of red pills with the little letter “M” on each one. It turns out they are red “M&M” candies! And you made a great show of taking a handful before encouraging me to do that thing that is still illegal in 6 Tennessee counties. So what if I was drunk! It doesn’t change anything! I still say this kid is yours, and I want money.

Tired of living in this trailer with your deceit,Angie

Dear Mr. Riepe:Please be advised that the Jamaican Government already has the most stringent production standards in place for the distilling of rum and that your claim of finding chicken heads in a random purchase of six different brands is not deemed credible. Therefore, we do not see the need to create a “Rum Czar,” empowered to “taste any brand, at any time, anywhere,” in the interest of protecting the rum-drinking public. The same goes true for the other office for which you applied: The Ministry To Detect The Chemical Impact of Coconut Oil on Exposed Nipples.

While your concern for the economic development and growth of Jamaica is certainly appreciated, I believe we have these areas covered.

Sincerely,Percy MonseurOffice of Economic DevelopmentJamaica

Dear Sir:The image and profile of the standard BMW rider is well-known on five continents. Regardless of location, BWM riders have established a reputation for their dexterity, mechanical ingenuity, and their lean, sophisticated appeal. Your blog revels in a different kind of rider, apparently. You frequently glory in pictures of a pork-bellied, slab fat-sided rider, whose primary destinations are strip joints, massage parlors, Turkish baths, and Turkish prisons. If you persist in perpetrating this level of fraud, we will have no other option but to demand you cover the roundels on your K75 with duct tape.

Now how about writing a nice ride report, where you meet a sensible woman, who is fully dressed (and sober), who is also working on a green project, and who does not regard you as the “sperminator” she has been waiting a lifetime for?

19 comments:

I have only this to say: Thanks! I so enjoyed reading and laughing at you--with you--today. Today's post truly lifted my spirits and was a fun return visit! I've missed you and I promise to peek in more often. Thanks for brightening my day.

I am delighted that you let the laugh out of my mailbag today. I had been thinking of doing a blog entry like this for quite some time, but didn't really have the material. Yet a number of readers, folks like yourself, came through with some heartfelt correspondence worthy of sharing.

If you get the time, read the two previous posts. They are both gems too.

I am determined to have a great 2009, and I am going to take a lot of people with me.

Thanks for writing in. The joy in your letter will make other people feel good too!

you truly have a great following, and great friends too, I might also add. It's too bad your Mac-Pac meetings are so far away. Perhaps you could choose a meeting spot closer to the Wet Coast and don't forget to bring that famous Dick (what's his name) along with you

You and I need another epic ride soon. We have Tennessee in the summer, but that's too far away to contemplate. At the moment, the streets outside are covered with ice, which will be the brine from hell by Thursday. Our options are dismal at the moment.

We need to drag Clyde and Pete out from under their rocks for another run to West Virginia in late April, before the snakes start turning up in church.We need to give the world a ride report that reflects our unique perspectives. Something that they can believe, given time.

And that reminds me... A friend of mine needs to retrieve her bike from a shop down that way. Maybe we could take an extra day and give "Sharon" the raspberries.

I was so flattered by your note, that I was going to send you a jar of my deodorant. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was Vick's Vapo-Rub. This is an odd combination of Vaseline petroleum Jelly and eucalyptus. It is the sort of thing a panda bear would put on bread with peanut butter.

Do you still want it?

I sincerely hope your not going to judge me by this post. Scan my blog for the rare and less factual ride reports. The one dated December 26 might qualify.

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About Me

BMW Rider, humor writer, and and a public relations specialist to the business travel sector, I have made a career out of telling it like I see it for the past 30 years! A member of the mileage-crazed Pennsytlvania-based Mac-Pac, my motorcycle stories have been published in various venues, and in the BMW Motorcycle Owners of America's monthly publication — the Owners News. I am also the author of "Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists," a book on men's sensitivity.