Transformers... Better than Sex

Transformers is better than sex. I mean, I don't want to overhype it or anything, but I just got back from the screening, and if I had the chance to watch it again right now, or some hot woman would have sex with me if I went home with her, I can't think of a woman alive who would tempt me away from a repeat viewing. Jennifer Garner is usually my go-to babe, but not even her. And if there are any women out there who doubt this, I suggest you make me an offer and put me to the test.

And I'm not some teenager who's comparing this movie to what he thinks sex would be like. I'm a grown man and I've had some fantastic lovers. I once dated a bipolar girl and they are dynamos in the sack. That's what I'm comparing Transformers to: crazy sex (the best kind, if you can survive the lows).

Movie Review: Transformers

Seriously, it's this summer's Independence Day. It will unite the world in massive destruction. It's Michael Bay's best movie since The Rock. This is the fulfillment of all of his promise. He's having fun with big toys.

Seeing those transformations never gets old. And they do it over and over and over and over in the movie, but every time a robot turns to a car or vice versa, the parts meld smoothly and integrate completely into ongoing action. That's a technical way of saying, man, it is so awesome. And it's got the noise.

Putting the Transformers in the human world turned out to be a brilliant move. As fish out of water, the Transformers can show humanity. The film's most magical scenes are the Autobots sneaking around like little kids, these hulking machines. Even when Bumblebee is in Herbie mode, before he reveals himself, he's full of endearing character.

It also allows the Transformers to be serious characters. The humans are such jackasses, the robots have the gravitas to say, "Hey, this is some serious sh**." If it were just robots taking themselves all seriously, no one would buy that.

By having fun with the giant robots, the film ultimately shows them the most respect. So humans fulfill broad stereotypes and make pop culture references as recent as The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Frankly, if Tranformers had its characters talking about the meaning of life, I would be offended. It's all done with a wink, as ridiculous and outrageous as possible without getting stupid. And he references his own overblown space epic, so Bay is in on the joke.

At the same time, Transformers is full of wonder like the best Spielberg movies. Bumblebee's reveal, the Autobots navigating a backyard, humans and robots sticking up for each other… There's never a moment you don't believe it's real, just like little Henry Thomas talking to a puppet. Some of their antics are like Marx Brothers routines.

The robots are people. They show off, they embarrass their friends and they play with their own toys. Amid all of this, you totally buy the story of some old glasses and the coordinates of the Allspark cube.

Because I'm me, I have to address my one snarky observation. Nobody thought to try an EMP? I mean, it probably wouldn't have worked, but they are electronic aliens. But hey, they were pretty overwhelmed.

There is so much action, this must be the biggest movie of all time. I tried to count the 20 set pieces Shia LaBeouf bragged about, but I lost count. That's how much is going on. There are set pieces within set pieces so I didn't know where one stopped and another began.

Prime and Megatron exchange classic verbal threatdowns. There is some nuance to the bigness of the battles. There is some of the most innovative camerawork Bay has ever employed to capture and enhance the scale of this thing.

I am a 13-year-old boy again. Transformers is a childhood classic come to life. Thank God movies can still make me feel this excited.