Friday, May 20, 2005

We Can Rebuild It...

I went to get my hair cut today. My hairdresser works at the mall place I go to -- and have ever since my arrival in Denver. I went through a few hair stylists there, then stopped looking when Olivia cut my hair the first time.

I was sad today when Olivia told me she's going through a divorce. Having gone through a divorce myself -- even when it's the right thing to do -- I know it's a hard thing to get past.

As we talked, I shared a little of my experience, and tried to assure her that a year from now, so much of her life will have changed for the better as she picks up and rebuilds. I hope I listened enough -- she talked a long time -- but I realized quickly how those of us who have been through it go through that time when we just need to talk about it.

How many of us have to rebuild and revamp our thinking when life hands us the proverbial lemonades?

My first marriage ended after 5 years. There's no reason to go through why it ended, only that I left after trying to save it, and it didn't work.

Feelings of failure are a natural part of the end of a marriage...I'd hate to think that only the occasional freak of nature would enter a marriage thinking that it's a temporary thing. We all go into it thinking that it's going to work out, and when it doesn't it's normal to feel that we could have done more.

I went to see a counselor after I left my husband at the time, and said those words..."I'll always wonder if I could have done more." To which the counselor said simply "At what cost?"

At what cost is right. As my husband and I have struggled with fertility issues over the past few years, we've also had to measure the emotional toll on us as we forged ahead and tried again -- only to lose 3 pregnancies.

Ultimately, the last loss was our last, I think. There wasn't a lot of talk about trying again, and when my grandma died recently and left us some money, I didn't even entertain the idea of further fertility treatment, and didn't think about it at all until a friend asked. Instead, we bought tickets to Europe and put some money aside for the trip so we wouldn't have to save up.

Yes, we are in the process of rebuilding -- rebuilding our image of parents-in-waiting to a couple who will grow old taking trips and perhaps overspoiling our pets while our friends have their kids and complain that they can't afford to go to Europe.

I find that life is a trade-off, a compromise, and a series of setting priorities and sometimes re-setting them. As we re-define our lives without kids, we find ourselves relaxing about the whole thing, spending more time on each other. Simply rebuilding our image of how our lives will be.

3 comments:

Jenny
said...

Yup, rebuilding... re-defining our expectations and our realities. It's a tough lesson to learn, but a lesson that we all must learn eventually. I'm still learning to accept that lesson - you know, for us control freaks, admitting that we cannot control everything is tough! I am very glad that you and Brian have each other... that the end of your first marriage enabled you to be with who you were meant to be with. I'd love to think that my marriage ending will eventually lead me to the same reward.

YOu and Brian sound very happy and well adjusted in your marriage Jules. I've never gone through a divorce so I can't imagine what's it like. Some friend's of ours are separated now and in the first stages of divorcing. It's so sad.

I love your blog Jules - You always have great posts. But I don't know why your blog doesn't list as a new post on mine when you have one? Do you have your blog as a private one?

I know you posted this awhile back, but I am so glad I came here today... your revelation about life (in general) is huge but it means more to know that someone else is in the process of re-adjusting and rebuilding. I for one feel like it is my constant companion and really am trying hard to learn to enjoy it. Thanks for sharing this...