Well, look who the cat dragged in. Me. Me, who is referring to herself in third person because I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last couple of weeks, and among those thoughts include the idea that maybe sometimes I try referring to myself in third person. And just see how it goes. (How’s it going?) (I’ll never do it again.)

But most importantly, hello! I’m back! I’m back after December and the first half of this month taught me a thing or two about what it means to really rely on a planner. But now I’ve colour coded, to-do list’d, and gotten my act together, so I’m ready. Ready to return to you, to Harry Potter, and to the bevy of other films we’ll watch this year.

Though there may be a few changes in 2014, only because I want to introduce a couple of changes. The first: we’re opening this up to hip, new, and modern movies because I think there is only so many times I’m allowed to write about Now & Then. The second: no, that was it. Just that one change. I think we handled it pretty well.

So to anyone new who’s joining us: hello! I am the resident Old Lady of this column because I am the type of person who sits on porches and yells about things. Think of the Cat Lady on The Simpsons. Are you thinking of her? I am her. Only instead of yelling at cats, I yell common sense at characters who lack it. (Like the guy in Ghost who takes his shirt off and ISN’T Patrick Swayze. Seriously, who even are you.)

Now onto the motion picture. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. AKA the movie where things take a real turn for the worst.

1. I hate that a part of me would really love a Snape/Narcissa affair

Is that weird to say? Absolutely it is. But you can cut that chemistry with a knife. Also, Narcissa Malfory is played by the beyond talented Helen McCrory who is also married to Damien Lewis from Homeland, so, much like Alan Rickman, to me she can do no wrong, and their acting would be off! the! hook! Also, shout-out to Snape for having Draco’s back. Aside from being the person he was in elementary school and a Death Eater, he’s aaaaaalright. Unlike Mr. Malfoy, who is the literal antichrist. (And who would just be the worst husband/dad/boyfriend/life partner/movie theatre attendant/server/garbage man ON EARTH see THIS is why I’d support an affair.)

2. Honestly though we know Voldemort is messed up, but he really trumps himself with his new Draco task

I hope Lucius feels incredibly terrible by this point because IMAGINE you made your boss so angry he was like “okay, that’s fine — but in retribution, your son must kill the most powerful wizard on earth. Cheers!” First, you’d be like, “You are a psychopath.” Second, you’d be like, “Why did I decide to join the mafia, is this Goodfellas.” Third, you’d flee? But how can you when this guy’s the most powerful wizard’s nemesis? This is when I suggest living under the sea. As Homer Simpson once imagined, it could help us all circumvent a lot of problems.

3. Love textbooks with the answers written in, still probably wouldn’t use one after the whole “Ginny got possessed the last time we tried that” thing

Did Hermione invent “SMH”? Because by this point if I were her and was watching the nonsense happening around me, that’d be my signature move. ARE YOU BASIC, HARRY POTTER. Why wouldn’t you light that book on fire, and cast it into the night? He’s like the guy who buys a Ouija board, then when the Ouija board does something messed up, he’s like “Oh no! Man. That was horrible. Yikes. …Let’s try it again!” And then his house attacks him in retribution. (Like, his actual home.) But now we’re all hooked and need to know who the Half Blood Prince is, thanks a lot, Potter. (Said in Snape’s voice.)

4. I feel bad for Lavender Brown?

Mostly because we have all been Lavender Brown at some point. We like this super cool, cute person, and he kind of uses us, and the whole time we’re with him, we know he likes somebody else. It’s the worst. And of course, yes, she is actually a really annoying character to read, BUT! At some point in life, we are all annoying characters. And frankly, she knows he loves Hermione. She has to! EVERYBODY DOES! So imagine feeling like you’re in competition with Hermione Granger because Ron’s too afraid to be honest. Ugh. WE DON’T HAVE TO IMAGINE IT BECAUSE WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE. So it’s okay, Lavender Brown. You’ll grow up to be some kick-ass woman who can forget about this time in your life. (Or not, because the next book is very traumatizing, and I doubt anyone will ever forget this time in their lives.)

5. But for the record, I also feel bad for Hermione Granger

Because we’ve also all been there, too. Harry Potter, though, I do NOT feel bad for, because yes, he likes Ginny, but BOYFRIEND IS DOING NOTHING TO EARN THAT LIKE. They had that like, one-off kiss for a minute . . . ? Cool? Talk to each other, kids! Mingle! I feel like a mom hosting a boy-girl party. “Sit around a circle, kids! Spin the bottle! It’ll be fun! Promise!” (I am a cool mom.) (I am Linda Belcher.)

6. The part where the Burrow burns down is actually the worst for a million reasons

But here is the biggest: THEIR STUFF IS GONE. Clothes and everything. I love Helena Bonham-Carter because she is a terrific human being, but even the magnificent way she plays Bellatrix is lost when she burns down the Weasley house. What is your DAMAGE, lady? I mean, yes, you are evil and instigating a type of wizard race war, but that is where somebody lives. That is their home. Where do you live, Bellatrix? Do you even have a home? Do you live in the Fight Club house? Probably. She would love it there. And don’t even get me started on Greyback because nobody likes him, and he’s not worth the energy it would take to type his name more than once. Grey– see? Not worth it.

7. Okay what if Harry had killed Draco with that curse, though?

So Snape comes in JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME when Draco’s been hurt by the curse Harry tossed his way during their confrontation. (Which only would’ve been better if they’d been singing the Valjean/Javert parts from Les Miserables.) But say . . . things got out of hand. Say Snape didn’t come in, or Harry took the curse too far. Would that have changed things? Because up until this point, Harry hasn’t gotten in a wizard’s face and killed anyone. Does anybody ever think about that? (Um, no, Anne, we all have very fulfilled lives.) What if Harry had killed Draco? WHAT IF. Or more importantly, what if they had become friends at the beginning of book one.

Anne T. Donahue is a writer, comedian, and person who lives just outside of Toronto, Canada. She contributes to places like The Guardian, FASHION, Rookie, Noisey, and whoever will have her, and she writes for TV sometimes, too. If you like how she rolls, follow her on Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram at @annetdonahue, or just leave a bag of chips out and she will come to you.

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