Lilypie - Memorial

Saturday, 25 August 2012

One of Those Days

Dear Clara,

It's been one of those days for Mommy, where I just want to be alone and think about how much I miss you. Sometimes living life without you is too overwhelming. When you were here with me, I just wanted everything to be perfect for you. I had designed the perfect room. It would have been a yellow room with huge zoo animal decals. I wanted a room that oozed happiness. I picked out a nice rocker for us too when you needed to be comforted. When I came home from the hospital without you, I couldn't bear to let go of some of your stuff like the ducky outfit you were supposed to come home in. I saved some of your other things in hopes that it will some day be a part of your little brother or sister's life. I will always try to find ways to incorporate you into our family's life. Forgetting you would be like forgetting how to breath, it's just not possible.

Clara, part of my funk today is that I feel such immense guilt for starting to move forward with my life without you. Somehow it feels like I'm leaving you behind and I would never ever want to do that. I know you would want Mommy to keep living and to be happy. It's just so hard when they only thing I want is you. It's the very thing that I can't have, not in the way I want. So baby girl, if Mommy appears to be doing better or looking forward it doesn't mean I love you any less or that I'm not missing you like crazy. Nothing will ever diminish what you mean to me or change the way I feel about you. I guess that's what I wanted you to know.