Fifteen guys go to the board. Fifteen guys go to the board and fifteen guys get hit. I’m hearing that all of them are for the ‘nature of the crime.’ They’re not supposed to be able to do that anymore. I am horrified and terrified. They are just going to keep me here forever. I get that what I did was unforgivable and that I have to pay for it, but I was only seventeen. I can’t live like this forever. I can’t. If this was always going to be my life why didn’t they just kill me? I want a family. I still have dreams. I can’t live without beauty. I can’t live without love. I can’t live without life.

I won’t be one of the animals, reduced to cowering, afraid to react or reacting because I’m more afraid of cowering. I won’t be reduced to a criminal mentality of angles and benefits.

I’m clutching my towel. Afraid to throw it in and terrified I’ll hold it too long.