How to tell if you’re a troll

Lately on the internet there has been a lot of overuse of the word “troll” and I think it’s time we reexamine the definition. Select what best represents your personality:

1. You read something on the internet you disagree with. How do you respond?

A. You close the browser before wasting any more of your time, saying to yourself, “What. An. Asshole.”

B. You explain in the comment section why you think the author is an idiot.

C. You didn’t actually read this far. You just screamed “FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG” and muttered something unsavory about Persians. You also probably can’t spell “Persians.”

D. You don’t have access to the internet because you’re a fictional creature

2. You see a movie created by someone:

A. You admire the work it took to create something even if you didn’t personally love the end result.

B. You spend 3 hours picking apart the plot, motives of the characters, and publicly point out all real or imagined plot-holes.

C. You scream “LOOK OUT, BITCH!” as loud as you can through out the entire movie. Then you and your friends loudly high-five each other. The movie is Schindler’s List.

D. You aren’t allowed to go to movies because you don’t own pants.

3. You read a new book recommended by others but you don’t like it.

A. You finish it and then keep it to remind yourself not to trust your stupid friends for book recommendations.

B. You finish it and then give it a bad review online.

C. You suspect someone is somehow trying to challenge you. You organize a book burning.

D. You don’t read but you appreciate the book burning because the nice glow helps you find the bridge you live under.

4. Someone suggests eating people.

A. You say nothing. You leave and consider notifying the police.

B. You say, “What the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard?” and then you leave and consider calling the police.

C. You assume they’re hitting on you and go off on an anti-homosexual rant that ends with a threat to kill all the zebras at the zoo for some reason.

D. You say “Yeah, I could eat” and you put on your people-eating sweats because you feel sort of fat that week.

5. You don’t like this blog:

A. You never read this post because you don’t like this blog.

B. You leave a comment explaining what you don’t like about this blog and then you go away.

C. You leave baffling comments like “FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOG, FISHFACE” but you change your name so it seems like you’re more than one person. You misspell almost every comment and you don’t understand IP addresses. When I change your comment to “I wish I could be exactly like you in every way” you come back and say “WHAT?! I NEVER SAID THAT, FISHFACE” and then I change that comment to “I wish I could wear your skin and be you” and then you get so mad you explode. Then you leave so you can go leave racist comments on youtube.

D. You’re taking a nap because you just ate too many goats.

Scoring…

If you answered mostly D’s:

You’re a troll. Luckily, you are also mythological and don’t have the internet so it’s hard for you to get too upset about this. Most people find you under bridges, hungry and ready to snack on them.

If you answered mostly C’s:

You’re a probably an asshole. Or possibly you’re an angry teenager. It’s occasionally hard to tell those apart. Most people find you abrasive, obnoxious and vile, however you’re in luck because you can grow out of this phase, and even if you don’t there are lots of other assholes out there to share your time with you.

If you answered mostly B’s:

You’re a normal human being. You are also the most likely of all of these groups to find yourself being mislabeled as a “troll”. Sorry about that. Feel free to have you own strong opinions, even if they are occasionally quite wrong.

If you answered mostly A’s:

You’re a compassionate human being or a compulsive liar. You may not actually exist. You are kind and considerate and if I was having a birthday party I would invite you to it. Most people enjoy your company unless they are assholes or trolls. Trolls just want to eat you.

type A personality as diagnosed by The Bloggess.
Is it wrong that I danced a little at the thought that I would be invited to your birthday party if it were to happen? yay! balloons, cake and Jenny! today, I am a happy girl…imagining birthday parties…where…I assume…there will be costumes of some sort.
Thank you.

I’m an A also…yeah…and I too want to come to your birthday party. I’m patiently awaiting my invite. In the mean time, I am having my own birthday party next weekend in the Chicago area. You are official invited. I’m turning 40….I am NOT amused.

You bring new meaning to Type A personality (and thankfully, it’s not asshole). I’m especially fond of the folks who are delighted to bash blogs and books without having the balls to go by anything other than Anonymous. Talk about an asshole.

FUCK YOU, DOUCHEBAG! You’re mother’s a perzhan whore. And fuck your dog, too. Your precious duck you had back when you were a whiny baby pants? It wasn’t eaten by homeless people, it was eaten by TROLL! So again I say FUCK YOU YOU PERZHAN-LICKING BITCH!

Can I politely point out the plot hole in your quiz? First the troll can’t go to the movies because he doesn’t own pants, but then he has sweats to eat people? Perhaps he just likes to save them for special occasions?

As a guy who writes three separate columns for a genre where every brainless invertebrate has a misguided opinion / axe to grind, I learned early on never to read the comments on my articles. I believe that the instant someone is anonymous on the Internet their IQ drops 40 points.

Thank you! Most of the people mislabeled as trolls are actually really opinionated people who are just messing with you, or giant asshats. Either way, making rude comments anonymously is cowardly and lame.
Loved the quiz🙂

A’s and B’s (which describes most of my academic life). I’d love to be invited to a party – as a matter of fact I’ll promise to take you to tea (or the bar) the next time I visit Texas. Its the least I can do for someone who literally can make my day better half a continent away…

Type A – and I only exist in my own imagination, I think. And if there is a birthday party I want an invite and I’ll be sure to bring my flying pig – Ambrosia, but only if there are unicorns and ponies. I don’t want her to feel out of place and develop a complex of some sort.

“and you don’t understand IP addresses” … that is so true.
We actually have a word doc that collects some of the most abusive troll comments so we can have a laugh, and it’s always from the same person, same IP, different names.
Must try the change-their-comment tactic ….
the “No, I want your ugly mutt babies to die” would become
“Yes, I want to have unicorn babies with you”
Already laughing at their reaction to that.

I’m an A-type person. Not because I’m a push-over, but because I appreciate (nearly) everyone’s journey up to the point where they are now. It’s my personal belief.
Thanks for the invite to the Birthday party. Should I bring chocolate cake?

Well I’m all A’s, except the one about eating people. I’d probably call someone out on that. Because, well…. sometimes people need a little jolt to remind them of what is okay. And people eating is almost never okay.

Okay so I am not a troll good to know. Thank you for the clarification since I keep getting told I am a troll, and I was starting to worry about my diet plan and housing situation.

Of course I am not an asshole or a teenager either, so that takes care of the other concerns I had from the zombies that keep telling me I am an asshole for not letting them eat my brains. Maybe I should introduce them to the trolls. What’s the bridge again?

I answered mostly As and Bs, but my hair is neon green and only grows straight up from my head and my belly button is a jewel. Also, I live on a desk in a cubicle near the poster of a kitten that says “Hang in there, Friday’s coming.”

OK, only sort of OT, but have you seen the movie Trollhunter? Streaming on Netflix. I think it’s the best movie ever…but relatives have gone out of their way to point out that liking this movie is a prime exemplar of how really weird I am.

PS> This is going to autolink to my blog post, and I feel I should warn everyone that my blog is only occasionally funny, but specifically not funny on every other Wednesday. This is one of the Wednesdays when I write about policy stuff. (If you go looking for yuks, don’t blame me.)

Fuck alla y’all, you two-bit, crazy cat loving, sheepherders of ants. I like to get high as a giraffe’s ass. I am from Purrjia and I’ma just go to another compewter in my office and change my name and my other comment is gonna say: I LOVE YOU JENNY (in my chubby, irritating kid from Shrek 3 voice who says I love you, daddy!) but then SHIT someone told me all the I-S-Pees from here are the same and I’m probably found out so shitinashoe that pisses me off and also too fuck alla y’all, yoon e’en know me, son. Cotton candy in hair is hard to get out and washing clothes in cold water doesn’t get out blood. This is all your imagination, you trolly fucking doucebags.

I’m all A’s!!! YAY! Anxiously awaiting my invite to the Unicorn-rainbow birthday party! I’ll even bring my metal chicken….Lindsay Lohan. She’s dying to meet Beyonce so they can become best good friends. Also I love cake….lots of cake…cake …..cakey cake….caaakkkkkeeee….
Oh, sorry, got lost in my cake fantasy. I do exist, sometimes by the way and waver between compulsively lying and being a compassionate human being – it’s fun.

I’m glad to know I’m not a troll. I answered mostly As and I loved the whole “You may not actually exist…” But we do! Nice people are real we’re just hermits that hide out at home with their two kids, two dogs and pregnant cat while the husband goes to work for the Army and puts his boots on after tying up his pants.🙂 BTW I really wish I had people eating pants.

When you get to be this popular, do you actually read the comments above??? I got bogged down after the first thirty…But let me say, your post is hilarious, which is why I try to catch it, even if you are famous.

Hil-freaking-larious. The C answers were the best (2C and 4C were lolzy). It’s ok Jenny, mostly A people exist. We’re out there, we just stay quiet while the assholes make loud comments and fart out their mouths, which is why we’re considered endangered, like those rare tree frogs or whatever that they found in the jungle and were like: holy shit, they still exist!!!

FYI, I like chocolate or ice cream cake, helium balloons, and stripers. 2 outta three and I’ll fly down to Texas for your birthday.

Do you give out goodie-bags at your birthday party? And if so, do they include dead animals dressed as people from the Harry Potter Movies? If so, I am totally in. I enjoy chocolate cake and mixed drinks. At your party will we be picking apart movies?- because that would be awesome. Maybe the theme of the party could be- Come dressed as your favorite troll. You sooo need to throw a party- a troll party- it could be under a bridge, down by a river. FAbulous!

I am a troll. I live under an overpass (over an underpass?). I am deeply offended by the notion that I live under a bridge. And for that I shall launch into a tirade of racial slurs, cursing, and I might start typing random things from a cookbook.

I’m a compassionate compulsive liar. Sometimes I feel like I don’t actually exist, or maybe I do , I don’t know I’m confused by the whole existing thing anyway. Trolls want to eat me so I should stay away from bridges. When’s the Birthday party?

How do you even HAVE birthday parties? There’s always someone who’s allergic to nuts, 2 vegans who fly into a rages upon smelling the neighbor’s bbq, 3with Fox News Rage Syndrome, 4diabetics, 5 recovering alcoholics–wait, this is turning into the Twelve Days of an Awful Party. Which is why I refuse to have friends.

I’m compassionate with a smattering of strong opinions. When pieces of my new house are falling off, my kids are atrocious, and I have no time for myself, my opinions tend to get a little stronger. I’m generally empathetic, though.

“You misspell almost every comment and you don’t understand IP addresses.” – YES. Anyone who has had to moderate ANYTHING on the net, including a comments thread about your latest lemon poppy seed cake recipe, has dealt with these idiots. GO LOOK UP “SOCK PUPPET” MORONS.

B. You say, “What the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard?” and then you leave and consider calling the police.

C. You assume they’re hitting on you and go off on an anti-homosexual rant that ends with a threat to kill all the zebras at the zoo for some reason.

D. You say “Yeah, I could eat” and you put on your people-eating sweats because you feel sort of fat that week.

I got a D on that one… Because I’m a zombie mama. I love to bite my kids all the time. I tell them they’re juicy. They have even begun saying they’re Zombie Children and have changed a sweet church song “Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam” to “Jesus wants me for a zombie” The words include, “In every way try to eat them, at home, at school, at play.”

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, my kids will be good and ready!

GREAT quiz. It’s hard to disagree with people online without sounding like an asshole or being called a troll, even if you just try to further a discussion and don’t even strongly disagree. Therefore, I appreciate you clarifying that I only fall into the troll category because of eating people and being a mythical figure and NOT because I have ever disagreed with someone in print.

Personally, I would like to ride my unicorn that I earned from the Unicorn Success Club to your birthday party. But only if Wil Wheaton is also planning to attend, because men collating paper? Biggest turn on EVER!

I laughed out loud at work. You are totally worth typing out what LOL stands for. How troll-y would I be if I said I really thought that trolls wear pants (and vests for that matter, but definitely not shirts)? http://bit.ly/LsB1Ld

You kill me, lady.😀
As well as being mythological, trolls probably don’t have the prehensile fingers able to use a keyboard properly. Which explains why their spelling is so bad and posts so incomprehensible: they’re basically banging the key with their fists.

I think I may not actually exist! Woot! This is timely, after an alteration on my blog’s FB page yesterday. And you are right – people are entitled to their opinions – but they can do that in a way that reflects grace, respect and understanding to others. Difference of opinions is not wrong. Being an A-hole is. Also? Thanks for the laughs. As always.🙂

I answered mostly A’s, but i would call out someone who wanted to eat people. And I would call the police unless it was a Dexter type situation, some people deserve to be eaten. Also I didn’t answer question number 5 because I love this blog so I was stumped.
Your birthday party this year is going to be awesome! I hope you have extra bathrooms for all of us anxiety ridden fans to hang out in after we brave coming and then panic immediately upon arrival.

Oh this whole dyslexic thing is RUBBISH, I thought you paid a Troll when you went over a Bridge!

Oh, maybe you do, or was it goats who thought the grass was greener on the other side, when quite obviously it wasn’t, it was more to do with the weather and sunlight and being a moral for being a whinging ungratefull Arsehole, who should appreciate what you have rather than wishing for something different…….

I wish I had a T roll……….. I’ve just been to the Toilet and my Wife used the last of the paper and now she’s got out and I am stuck here with faeces, and I don’t know whether to walk down the stairs, with my trousers down, in a stoop to stop the pooh spreading or just accept the additional washing and stand up, pull up pants, and try and look normal as I go and get another roll then walk back up the stairs, lock the door and “freshen up!

Anyway, this is so totally random now that everyone will know that really I put stuff about wanting you to Die in a Zombie related Rackon skinning contest and you just changed it, ’cause you can, to make me look weird.

I have to say I disagree with your definition of troll to only include the most extreme assholes. To me, people that seem to read a blog or join a facebook group, etc. seemingly for the sole purpose of constantly disagreeing with the opinions posted is a troll. For instance, if I didn’t breastfeed, but follow the La Leche blog just so every time they post I can leave a comment about how I was formula fed and my kids were formula fed, and we all turned out all right, even if my posts aren’t attacking or nasty, I still would consider that being a troll. If you KNOWINGLY subscribe to information so that you can give your dissenting opinion…you are a troll….go find something better to do with your time. There are plenty of other blogs to read on the world wide web…go find one that agrees with your opinions instead. JMO.

I love tests! I usually fail them but not this one, so I love it a LOT! I am mostly A but I don’t know if it means I’m “kind and considerate”. I think it’s that I just don’t give a shit about most things.

I do exist (after a fashion) but I don’t get all worked up about that either. However, I did get one D but not because I eat goats. I think it’s because I drank too much Merlot last night.

You said fuckity fuck. I love you even more now. P.S. My brother directed me to today’s blog as I hadn’t read it yet and just said “2C”. Not knowing there was going to be a multiple choice quiz I was pumped to get to 2C. Then I lost my damn mind. In my office. Out loud. Because THAT is my humor. I’m also the jerk that uses “Helen Keller” “Festering Wounds” and “Adolf Hitler” as trump cards in Apples to Apples for words like “compassionate” “fluffy” and “revolutionary”. Jenny – I’m so glad that you get it. (P.S. My brother and I are the loons from Maine that came to see you at your signing in Boston and brought you a whoopie pie – we had a fantastic time and I wanted to thank you again for being so awesome. I did feel bad for you by the time we got to you though – you were smiling so much your face must’ve hurt so bad. I almost suggested that we all frown in the picture just to give you a break. It would’ve been amazingly hilarious as my profile picture on facebook. NEXT TIME!)

wasn’t there a troll with a riddle in Monty Python, Holy Grail….
What is the air speed velocity of a swallow?
African or European?
What?! I don’t knoWWWW!!!!! (as he blows up.)
I’m sure it loses something in the translation but I got all A’s and one B so…..

Can we skip the quiz and just go to the part where you invite me to your birthday party and we eat chocolate cake with chocolate frosting in your bathroom? At least six feet away from the SIX FEET WIDE FECAL MIST DANGER ZONE?

Ok, I’m a “normal” human being in all respects except the pants thing, which evidently makes me a troll. When did pants ownership become such a big deal? And if I do cave to societal pressure and purchase pants, must I now also wear underwear and matching socks? So much for being unique!

Body for wife – I totally agree with you. I don’t think I would read any comments on something I had posted. Infact, I think that’s the main reason I don’t publish my blog (& because it’s crap – but that’s just between us..). People who just post insults don’t bother me as much as those who pick holes in spelling or grammer…. I once had a completely sleepless night over a bitchy comment about my spelling on a comment I had posted. I know I am stupid, I don’t need someone to point it out on a blog I read for entertainment.

I am glad I do not have asshole status… oh and truly, I want to be like you in every single way, except I don’t mean this in a crazy stalkerish way… at least I hope I am not a crazy stalker person. I could be one and just no one has ever told me.

I get to go to Jenny’s Birthday Party!!!!! or I’m a compulsive liar … Ok, so with 3 A’s and 2 B’s I might just be a slightly above normal person, but I’m going to pretend that I get to go to the party!

“Jenny rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”-is what I would say to you if I had you trapped in a hole after kidnapping you cause you are the fucking greatest writer EVER and I want to create a body wrap from your skin which is kinda like taxidermy but I suck at sewing so I am just going to continue to stalk you via the web and also because I am too lazy to drive 5 hours to the area you live in and wait on the side of the road until I might happen to see you drive by! Wow, writing run on sentences that make sense is REALLY hard-See you are the fucking greatest! Wait I just read the above post. I am type A.😉

I have this mental image of People-Eating Sweats that are like Man-Eating Sharks. They lurk in the corners of laundry baskets waiting for that time when we’re too tired, distracted or drunk to notice they’re not normal pants. Then, when you least expect it, you put them on and *chomp!* No more you. Tagline for the upcoming SyFy movie, of course, would be “Just when you thought it was safe to go into the laundry room.”

I am an A. So this birthday party, when is it? What do I wear? Do I bring a gift or is my presence gift enough? Do you have a pool so I know if I should bring my suit? How do I RSVP? This is invitation is severely lacking in details.

type A could also be a lurker. a fictional lurker, yes, but a lurker still. it’s not that i don’t exist to troll…it’s that i like the unstated feeling of superiority that lurking gives me. ’cause that’s how i troll.

The thing is, when people are asked to examine themselves in this way, a lot of them would put mostly A’s and then be proud of how well-adjusted they are even if they would behave differently in reality. To quote an old Non-Sequitur cartoon that I have taped on my fridge, “That’s the problem with stupid people; No one thinks that they’re one of them.”

For example, I answered all A’s, but here I am…bitching in the comments section. Case closed.

Mostly an A here, although I turn into a B online sometimes because of all the Cs out there. (This kinda feels like I’m using letters to substitute swear words, which rather amuses me.) I’ve learned to avoid certain forii (word I made up to cover the plural of forum) where Cs love to run rampant. I also learned to avoid bridges since my little sister was eaten by a D.

Crap! I let my hyperlexic 4-year-old read this before naptime. In my defense, her exact question was “Can I read ‘Billy Goats Gruff’ on your iPad?” and I figured that would give me 5-10 minutes to turn the limoncello bottles. Oh well, at least it wasn’t “50 Shades of Grey.”

I was mostly A’s too… but I can be a compulsive liar, so I’m probably more of an A-B…. somewhere in between.🙂 Jenny, you’re amazing. I can’t WAIT to read your book… no I haven’t gotten it yet… I’m poor.. I’ll have it soon. Thanks for the giggles!

Since you have been so gracious to invite me to your party, I will bring cupcakes. What do you think about almond cake with cherry jam centers? But if I come up missing during the party, it will probably be because I am playing with Juanita and the soul-less dolls in the bird cage.

speaking of birthdays, I asked for your book for mine, but no one bought it for me, so I bought it for myself and I’m glad I did because it’s awesome. People look at me funny when I tell them about it though…

Diana #157 I almost but a gut laughing out loud at your comment. I think that I’ll steall that from you and use it as my new motto!

I’m an A. I don’t usually comment on much online except here because people in here are AWESOME! Going online and reading news stories and then reading the comments is one of my worst habits. I cannot stand the people that comment on things 15 times to reiterate their most ignorant points. But hey, everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to it.

Ok, so when is your party? Have you settled on a theme yet? I’m thinking a troll one would be fun. I’ve already found a bunch games that will fit like, “Tee Off the Troll” – put troll stickers all over a baseball tee and take a swing at the wiffle ball off the tee then spray paint lines on the yard with a point value depending on where the ball landed. “Basketball Troll Toss” line up troll dolls at the foul line and shoot foul shots from behind the trolls. Try to make the shot without stepping on or kicking over the troll dolls. I’ve found many, many more games to play but don’t want to ruin the surprise.

I got A’s mainly because I consider everyone else to be too stupid to understand the brilliance of my comments. So why bother? And I would never go to any of your birthday parties either, unless, of course you had lots and lots of booze (and wine doesn’t count – it give me migraines).

Jenny, I’ve needed to thank you about a million times. You’ve made me feel better on a lot of bad days and brought out huge belly laughs that made good days better. You and your words make me (and millions of others people) happy and feel better about being who we are. But I really have to thank you today. Because I have a troll who sadly is the asshole kind and not the mythical kind with the 3 goats and the bridge. And my troll is really, really bothering me and making me feel like a shit sandwich. I know that I’m weak and thin-skinned and that I’m letting the terrorists win and all, but it’s just… I just don’t get it. Why? WHY would you choose to spend your time doing something so yucky to someone else? IT’S INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE.

So thank you. Because your post just made me feel so much better. A big and sincere thank you for posting this at the exact right moment. I remain your adoring minion,
-LBC

Ha! I guess I’m a B. Sometimes I’m an A, but I’m never a C, so I guess it’s all good. So glad that we now have a system for ranking the severity of insults / swear words: The Bloggess Test. *AND* I know where I rank.🙂

I, too, exist and scored mostly A’s…I saw someone mention chocolate cake for the party, but if you could somehow fit peanut butter in there, I’d be super appreciative. Peanut butter frosting, on dark chocolate cake…the BEST 30th birthday cake I EVER had..you should do THAT. Thanks for the early invite🙂 I look forward to pursuing our awesome best friendship.

I answered mostly A’s too! I am a nice person, but I’m generally also just too lazy to disagree with people, so I keep my vulgar comments in my head, or say them out loud in the office, but never write them on the internet. Maybe I’m a B.
Either way, your blog is awesome and makes my day.

I’m an A with B tendancies. So, I’d like to come to the party but I’ll sit on the steps and toss my gift through the cat door. If you have no cat door, screw you I’m keeping her. You probably dont need a stuffed , probably illegal, baby crocodile posed giving you the finger anyway. I should add that she was my Gram’s prized possession – Gram was the coolest.Gram.ever.

Brilliant! Simply brilliant! Gotta share this one. (I know I should say more, just so this doesn’t look like a suspicious SPAM post that causes people to look closer at every word trying to find the link to a Viagra site, but there’s simply nothing else to say about such a funny post. And if you click on the word “Viagra” above and it takes you to one of those sites, it means FISHFACE has tampered with my comment.)

I’m somewhere between being a normal human and fictional, which is SO FUCKING SPOT ON that it’s not funny. On some days I feel normal. Although what the fuck IS normal? And some days my life does feel unreal and I figure I am in someone’s dream (or nightmare) and when they wake up, POOF, I will totally fucking disappear. Hopefully there will be unicorns wherever I go.

I’m apparently A and B. So, compassionate with strong opinions? Or strong opinions but trolls don’t want to eat me? Hopefully, one of those two as being compassionate but eaten by trolls seems a little unfair.

I’ve never called anyone fishface, though ironically this morning, in a moment when my compassion lapsed and I slipped into B mode, I did tell someone they were disgusting. But they had it coming so I can still get a birthday party invite, right? Yay!

Mostly an A, except I don’t walk away when I should and read all the comments. Then I get all worked up and my husband tells me the assholes aren’t worth it, except he’s too polite to use that word. We don’t dissect holes in plot lines because my husband thinks all movies that aren’t animated and/or have penguins are stupid. “Happy Feet” was the perfect combination. That and “Madagascar.”

I do know what IP addresses are and, unfortunately, I’m posting from work.

Unfortunately, this post is hampered by its lack of recognition of the OTHER type of troll… one who goes trolling (in the fishing sense). My understanding is that the Internet troll version of the term actually originated from the fishing sense rather than the fictional creature sense, although it is not surprising that this meaning is largely unknown. In the days of Usenet, a troll was someone who was specifically entering into a debate/discussion in bad faith, “trolling,” as it were, for people who could be incited to angry outbursts. The “troll” would then “win” if he/she got a rise out of someone.

So I don’t know if you actually read the comments on your blog, but I loved your book, thought it was fantastanomical!!!! Yes, I made up my own word. So I had a really fucked up day today and thought to myself to visit your blog and read some of your posts because they definitely make me laugh. Maybe you guys can help me out. Why are girls so catty? As a girl, I can’t understand it, maybe it was because I was raised with 5 brothers and cattiness was never something I learned how to be. Some girls and guys, just need to be smacked back to reality.

Anyways on a lighter note, thanks for being an awesome bloggess! I love it & keep doing what you’re doing. I wish you success. You get me through my work days, thank you!!!❤

I have no witty comment to make, just wanted to bow down and say Comedy Freakin Gold from beginning to end. Possibly one of your funniest ever, and I have laughed my ass off through every single one of them…so thanks

I learned that if you are arguing on the internet, then you have already lost. I’m pretty sure I learned that from you. Also, I try not to read comment sections anywhere but here, because the comments on most sites make me hate humanity, and I just don’t have time fore that shit.

I had mostly A’s and I DO exist!!!! And I’ll be checking my mail every day waiting for that birthday party invitation.

My only downfall is #2. Except that I’m really polite. I only do it at home and I raise my hand before speaking up. My husband used to say “Yes?” everytime I raised my hand and I’d get to announce the flaw in said movie/tv show. Now? He just looks at me like I’m nuts when I raise my hand. I take that as a “Yes?” and tell him anyway.

Or maybe he’s wearing his people-eating sweats and he’s not looking at me like I’m crazy….but like I’m going to be dinner?

Yay I’m getting invited to your birthday party! If you want me to bring snacks, I’ve got a couple of goats. I don’t have pants, though, so if that’s a problem….

Okay, fine, I’m not invited to your party. I’m a troll. But in my defense (and the defense of my kind) trolls are really great at parties. If you don’t mind that we’ll probably eat all the other guests.

Back in the days when I was a bartender at a college bar, we would look at someone behaving “trollishly” at the bar (ummm, that is, getting people’s goats more so than eating them) and comment, “Somewhere in the world there is a bridge unguarded.” Then we would call the door guys and have them removed. I miss door guys.

I wanted to say treasure trolls are the exception but then I envisioned a sweet looking treasure troll calling me to come and I do because that sweet treasure troll couldn’t eat a person, plus it’s offering me a free treasure and I just have to go pick out which one I want from the back of a windowless van (because they don’t want everyone seeing the treasure) and next thing I know I’m being eaten.

I use the word troll two different ways and both quite frequently. First of all I might say something at the mall like, “Look at that douche bag trolling for chicks, hello gold chains and hairy chest.” Secondly, I might say something like this, “Is that a women or a troll? I can’t tell the difference.” Troll as in scary fairly tale creature, not as in cute troll doll. I would only refer to someone as a troll doll if they had a jewel in their belly button, were naked, and had colorful hair sticking straight up.

I can’t believe that you have ever had to deal with a troll…you’re way too cool. And I can’t believe that anyone has ever left a blatantly asshole-ish comment for you…again, you’re way too cool. But perhaps, like with anything, trolls and assholes are not selective about the blogs they soil.

The only ‘names’ I’ve ever been called in a comment are: creepy and an idiot. I guess compassionately-inclined, normal human beings can, from time to time, be idiotically creepy. Right?

I know a website that is completely full of trolls and the phrase, “lmfao @ poor people” is quoted regularly… thankfully they tend to stick to themselves and so the internet is safe from their inane banter.

So when’s the birthday party? I’ll send you my address. Just be sure to address it to Gigi – the kind and compassionate human being. Then maybe my family will believe that I AM a kind and compassionate human being and not the troll they think I am.

Great article, very witty. Um, I’m probably a bit of A and B. I mean I do write book and movie reviews and they aren’t always nice. I am getting tired of teenage boys masquerading as men but can’t even spell their own names in the comment sections. But hey, just because you can walk like a man doesn’t mean you are a man, you’re probably either a troll or an immature unicorn with trollish ancestry. Thanks for the quiz:-) PS I’ll bring pavlova to the party.

you make me want to be a troll so bad. i hate pants and i love bridges. kind of divided on the people eating as it depends on the eatee. for example i could never eat Will Wheaton (who my sister and i always called Willy Wheaty growing up cuz he’s so cute i just want to put him in my pocket and take him home with me). but Charlie Sheen on the other hand? i’d eat the shyte out of that assclown mother-f*cker just to get him off the planet.

Freakin’ funny stuff! I think I’m somewhere between B & C, with a few A’s thrown in there, because I am just NOT NORMAL. (Or restrained.) But is it a VERY bad thing that I’m currently too fat for my comfy people-eating sweats? (Fortunately, it’s currently too hot in Phoenix to wear them.)

What if you didn’t really fall into any of those categories? What if I don’t exist? I think I have really only called one person ever a troll, but he sounds an awful lot like the people described in category D. Only he lives under a theatre instead of a bridge.

On a somewhat related note, I just published my first set of short stories (Yay me!) and the longest one totally has some face eating going on in it! It’s almost like I wrote the news stories from Florida or *inspired* the people eaters, except I didn’t get to actually publish my story until a few weeks after the latest people eating incident.

There needs to be another category…the grandmother. She posts “Whaaaaaaat?????? luvm” on every single one of your Facebook posts. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. Is it wrong to block your grandmother? Because now all my friends sign their Facebook posts with luvm too.

I’m getting this weird feeling that you’ve been getting troll comments. I don’t know why. It’s like a psychic kind of a thing. Hm. I’ll try focusing on you a little more and let you know what else I’m sensing.

I’m gonna be that guy I hate and post something COMPLETELY off-topic because I just saw it, it’s 3:30 in the morning, I have to share it before my brain explodes, and I’m too tired/wide awake to find an appropriate place to share it. I thought of you when I read this and thought it might make you laugh, which I thought would be nice since you do that all the time for us. Hope you see this and enjoy a troll-free moment! http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-great-joys-in-life-that-healthy-people-never-experience/

I’m Norwish, trolls – the kind that eats you – were a big part in my life growing up. They’re ferocious, scary as heck and I love them. Just watch The Trull Hunter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy2nAOdBUlw for an informative and true explanation of trolls :p

On a serious note, I agree with Amber. Those who log in just to disagree with everything are also internet trolls.

Can anyone tell me if it is normal to like internet people way more than people you interact with? Because I totally want to hang out with many of you guys. I can’t say that about the people surrounding me….

So i can’t be an a cause all my answers were “meh” and i do love this blog. Ms. Jenny you and I are BFFFFFF you just haven’t met me yet but if you did you would be like OMG this is the COOLEST chick ever. And then we would go to the flea market and see the alligators and ponder their happiness being as they are dressed as the Village People. I have it ALL worked out… or I could sound like a creepy mc creepster right now and well that is ok too. Regardless… if you were my friend you would see live animals wearing tiny outfits. Also my man sounds a lot like your man so they stand around and complain about the other random thing that got brought home and how the house is tiny and there don’t need to be anymore random things… see bfffff cause well im pretty osm (translation : awesome) and it would be a hysterical time.. so you know IP address and go from there to find me… stalker😀

Oh crap. I’m a troll. I always suspected this may be the case, but you just went and confirmed. And to think I was having such a good day before this. Could be worse, at least I’m not a patent troll – they’re the worst.

OMGosh, Jenny, thanks for the LOL – except I wasn’t laughing @ first. I was actually a little scared. My answers were all “B” & I was thinking, “this cannot be good.” Whew! I’m not a “real” troll. Just an internet troll.

I just thought I would leave a comment to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blogs. It has made me think that I should write blogs but then am quickly reminded about how horrible of a writer I am. Perhaps, it will be easier for me to just sit back and enjoy the words other people type. Anyway, I’ve never read anyone’s blog before…seriously! I know right? It’s 2012, who hasn’t read a blog!? Thanks to a good friend of mine for pointing me in this direction, it’s the first thing I read before I start my work day….

I wish I could wear your skin and be you! In a completely non-Silence of the Lambs sort of way! You won’t have to get in the cave and put the lotion on your skin! (I mean its skin) You won’t even have to hurt the dog! I promise!
This sounded a lot less creepy in my head.
What is this IP address of which you speak?😉

I’ve experienced more than my share of trolls recently and am seriously considering inventing troll repellent. I’m pretty sure it will end up smelling like Pine-Sol. Anyway Jenny, I stumbled upon this link to old photos from Life magazine that has you written all over it. It’s 15 photos of Tommy Tucker, a pet squirrel who lived with a Washington, D.C. family in the 1940s. He has over 30 costumes (the Red Cross nurse one is a riot). He is now stuffed, in ensemble just like you like them, and I believe resides in a back closet of the Smithsonian Institute. Here’s the link: http://life.time.com/curiosities/a-squirrels-guide-to-fashion/#1

I’m not a troll. But I was the man reading Jenny’s book on the 5pm train from Liverpool to Chester. If you’re the really pretty brunette woman sitting opposite me, who looked as though she was trying to see what I was giggling at, I hope that you managed to read the front cover and have now discovered this blog. Also, would you like to get a coffee sometime?

On the interwebs, trolling means “trolling for reactions from gullible people”. It’s when some joker deliberately posts (throws out bait) that Harlan Ellison created Star Trek for the express purpose of seeing how many replies he can get (catch) correcting his “mistake.” Many people nowadays only go trolling for angry responses, true, and there are many more people who aren’t trolling at all, they’re just god-awful people who enjoy being hateful, but the word originated in the sense of a fisherman throwing out a net behind his boat, trolling through the water to see how many he can catch.

I’m dying at this, hilarious, “C. You suspect someone is somehow trying to challenge you. You organize a book burning.
D. You don’t read but you appreciate the book burning because the nice glow helps you find the bridge you live under.”

Oh Jenny every time I am thinking deep thoughts about something you write a post that perfectly captures my train of thought. THANK YOU.
Also I am having trouble reading your book. it is also causing me to exercise rather a lot. I read in bed of a night and each time I start to read your writing, I get the giggles and have to get out of bed because I nearly wet myself. The squirrel chapter involved lots of getting in and out of bed and not much reading. I don’t think I am getting any fitter from all this to-ing and fro-ing to the bathroom but my kidneys seem to be in good shape. cheers Kim

I think I accidentally ate goat on the beach in Ensenada during Spring Break in college, but I was being polite because it’s what I was served by the lovely family camping next to us, and I didn’t want to insult them.

I read this via Zite. The sidebar asked if I wanted to read more about book burning or Schindler’s List. I just thought you’d like to know what Zite thinks this post is about. Did it miss the point or did I?

Trolls are cute and have colorful hair.
Why are they naked? I don’t care.
But some of them sport underwear.
Those big eyes…what, are they surprised?
They don’t look mean, but they are, it would seem.
At least on the inter web, where all can be seen.
Those trolls suck balls
And need to be stuffed and put on The Bloggess’s wall.
That is all.

I like to think of myself as above average intelligence and yet I cannot figure out how to subscribe to your blog via email and not twitter or Facebook. Just finished your book and I fucking loved it. You’re dark and improper and funny as hell and I want to read you regularly.

Well, cool. According to you I’m a normal person. In all honesty, I’m kind of an asshole, but we’ll go with your assessment.

Anyway, this may be the first time I’ve ever commented. Thanks for all the laughs. Seriously, you’re crazy. Crazy, good, of course. The Beyonce post alone, as I’m sure you’ve been told many times, has, like, changed my life. I can’t count the times I’ve been shopping and come across one of Beyonce’s smaller relatives, gotten all excited, and sent a “knock, knock” picture text to a friend.🙂

I think if you chew on yourself, that means you like your taste… which might be a good thing… Also, if you’re willing to eat charlie sheen over wil wheaton, does that make you an Assclown Motherfucker too? Since apparently we are what we eat? And on that thought, I’m apparently really bad for someone’s health, cause I live on candy…

This post was so funny that I had to buy your book IMMEDIATELY on Kindle – which forced me to read your book when I woke up in the middle of night – which made me laugh until I could no longer fall abck asleep – which made me a talking monkey today. Damn you, Jenny! 🙂

Wow. I hate being Bipolar sometimes. I could answer with all A’s or all C’s, depending on my mood. Then there is that whole “I could eat… fat pants” thing. I guess that makes me a gluttenous B at best. Soooo… does strike me from the guest list? :0

What if I tell you I’m a (self proclaimed) kick ass zombie hunter and troll translater who owns her own unicorn? Oh, and I’m allergic to the sun. (not sure how that last one would actually help me, but does imply I’m empathetic to vampires and therefore remotely “hip”even though I don’t drink blood or sparkle in direct sunlight, but I do die easily. Wait. That might not be in my favor either. Shit. Never mind.)

I guess I am a B, because I’m sometimes a B, but sometimes I start out as a C and compose a scathing retort detailing all the ways that the original post was wrong, either in my head or in the comment box, but then I just don’t click the “post” button. So I look like an A but I’m really a C with a fear of commitment.

There are three different colors and T-shirts! (I guess they know you live in Texas) People’s comments under the sticker are PRICELESS. (and we’re back to people’s comments… so… I suppose this is vaguely related to your post?)

Um…not at ALL troll related but I just ordered THREE MORE copies of your book for delivery to friends. At happy hour (notch) one friend started talking about the book (that I sent him 2 weeks ago) and the girls started asking WHEN they would get the book (as if they have to SHARE??). I ordered THREE more copies of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and am having them shipped to them individually.

Not to brag BUT…these are the 5th, 6th and 7th copies of your book and IF I could I would give it to EVERY person I know.

LOVE you; LOVE the book–hoping to get a chance to meet you when I go home to visit Mother in Kerrville–and am looking for my very own Beyonce, the Metal Chicken (Urban Size).

ZOMG I AM INVITED TO YOUR BIRTHDAY! This is going to be AMAZING!!!!! We’ll eat cake and play party games and have a pinata that we hit with soooooo many sticks and things and I get to meet you for real! And I’m invited and everything! No hiding in the bushes for me! I don’t even have to wear a wig and lie about my identity! Although I will if you tell me to. Because I’m just that nice/desperate to please you. Oh man we are going to be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. Let’s frolic through the meadows with taxidermied unicorns that died of natural causes! Oh man, I knew being a nice person would pay off eventually.

I thought trolls were just people that live under the bridge of the Internet and never comment. I will run along joyously that my paths have crossed with so few that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

As I went through I noticed that for some of them it was a toss up between ‘B’ and ‘D’. Not simply that, but now I’ve read the people eating parts, I find m’self a bit peckish. What’s the best sauce for roast 18 year old ?

LOL… I got called a troll yesterday by someone who apparently believes the definition is “anyone who disagrees with him”. Course he also believes that college doesn’t count for education and he’s the educated one because he’s going to the “school of lyfe”.

I think the biggest irony was being called a troll by someone who showed every indication of being one. Jumped into the middle of a thread supporting the rainbow Oreo to yell incoherent rants about how all gays should get moved to their own country and that would be the end of everyone not straight in two generations.

Late to the party because I spent my kid-free week high on hydrocodone because my stupid wrist thinks it deserves to hurt more and for longer than I did after either c-section. This. Is. Hilarious. Seriously Jenny, I would like to wear your skin and be you. You know, I think I’d actually prefer to be a fly on your wall for the short duration of my life. You know why? Because you are fucking awesome. Period. I’ll fight with anyone who disagrees. 😀

first and foremost, thank you for everything.
depression, anxiety, frosting binges (well that might be just me), finding solace strength in numbers basically.
The picture you posted of Victor is now the wallpaper of my phone. Not only for the handsome mug, but I now have a reminder of the reaction I can expect from people when I open my mouth.

I am confused. I was called a troll simply for trying to defend myself. I didn’t say anything offensive. I figure now I better stop, as being called a troll is just a way to not deal with my point of view. There is a very strongly subjective element to the definition of a troll…

mainly Bs – It’s funny but on occasion I have been called a troll – just for having an opinion… it doesn’t cross my mind that simple opinions could cause offence!.. it may be that I’m not easily offended and assume that other people aren’t either

This was fun, I fall in between A & B which made me very happy because I live in Canada and it’s freakin’ cold under those bridges at this time of year and I really try hard not to contribute to the asshole population of the world as it is large enough.

So, I was *trying* to help a guy drive business to him and his website with some helpful suggestions because he is rather old school and didn’t want to upgrade his figurative production factory but wanted to get outrageous prices for his product so he could keep it in production. At the same time, he blamed those of us who have upgraded and begun producing a lower cost but equally good product for charging too low of prices and driving away his business. As a result, he called me a troll. I thought, okay, I don’t understand why you are mad at me, but whatever.

My husband then explained to me that a troll was not just a large ugly person who sat under bridges waiting to eat goats (I am a little old school myself). So, I was really glad that I could find this quiz to spell it out for me! I was mostly A and B, but I like to leave good comments too and this quiz is the best. Maybe I will send him the link…

When I first started blogging I would get really bummed out when I’d receive a bad comment. Nowadays I just laugh. It’s almost always older women screaming that my potty mouth doesn’t make me funny. It’s true, it’s my fucking mouth that’s hilarious.

All in the Family: Courtney LeBlanc's poetry chapbook is an honest and raw look into the dynamics of family relationships, the good, the bad, and the oh-so ugly; it'll make you cringe, cry, laugh, smile, and appreciate the relationships you have with your family.