We were delighted to host my sister-in-law’s family in Shanghai right before we left for summer. Her entourage of seven – yes seven – people enjoyed the sights of Shanghai, as well as Xi’an, Beijing and Hong Kong. Although they only stayed in Shanghai for 4 days (not nearly long enough) my sister-in-law says she’s “not done with Shanghai” and she’ll be back…

Needless to say, we were a spectacle and no doubt, the subject of many photos in Xi’an.

Our descent into summer began with that whirlwind overnight trip to Xi’an (home of the terracotta warriors), unpacking and repacking then leaving for the US the next day. I traveled alone with my three children back to the “promised land” and it went well. They’ve become such seasoned travelers…it makes me proud.

Due to multiple delays, we arrived in the US around midnight. Hungry, tired, wired, excited. We hopped in the rental car and cruised back to our “home”. An empty house in Cincinnati. A great friend supplied basics in my garage – sheets, towels, dishes and blankets. I sent the kids off to shower the “travel scum” away as I went out the door – DRIVING MYSELF – to seek out food. At 1:00am. My search led me to Wal-Mart. The only place open at that hour. God bless America and its consumerism. I was oddly disappointed that the store was almost empty. There were a couple of moms of newborns wandering the aisles and the night shift was busy stocking shelves. I had to contain my joy. I really wanted to dance down the aisles while singing – I may have actually done it. I don’t remember. I was exhausted. I grabbed some basics and headed home, we got to bed around 3am and the jet lag began. We all had it in different phases, so it seemed that one of us was always asleep. For a week.

Our first week was spent in a whirlwind of doctor’s appointments, shopping and visiting with friends. Staying in our empty house was a bit disconcerting but we’ve gotten used to it. Here’s how we spent our summer:

-traveling to Miami, Florida to celebrate my in-law’s (amazing!) 50th wedding anniversary party
-celebrating our son’s First Communion (also in Miami), hitting the beach, shopping, and eating pizza at Sir Pizza in Key Biscayne
-traveling to Connecticut to visit my family, hanging out with my crew of cousins (15 of them PLUS all their kids!), hitting the beach, ziplining and eating pizza at Pepe’s in New Haven. Naturally.
-shopping (hoarding)
-enjoying our friends

We’ve have a great time here, visiting friends and family and enjoying the shockingly clean air. No lie, every morning I gasp in wonderment. So. Clean. Unfortunately also full of pollen. We don’t seem to have that problem in Shanghai.

Although I’m having fun here, stateside, I’m ready to go back. Home. To China. I’m kind of missing the daily craziness of living in a culture so dramatically different from my own. While out for an amazing dinner with friends, we were asked for three “takeaways” from our first year in China. The first and foremost for me is the daily adrenaline rush associated with the constant exposure to a different culture. There’s an article making its way around the ‘web, 17 things that change forever when you live abroad, that mentions this. Everyday something happens that gives me that adrenaline rush. In the US this summer, the only time that happened was when some loser cut me off on the highway. Getting used to living with a heightened sense of my surroundings has made me a very different person. In China, it can be gazing in wonderment at the worlds second tallest skyscraper growing before my eyes – or it an be the guy holding a live turtle on a stick. (Selling it for turtle soup.) Either way, it’s a rush. Building? Astonishment. Turtle guy? Grossout.

A second “takeaway” would have to be travel. We’ve had amazing travel opportunities this past year, Bali, Thailand, Beijing and Xi’an. Next year we plan to travel to Cambodia, Myanmar and Hawaii. We’re staying in Shanghai over the October holidays to enjoy the (purportedly!) beautiful weather. And to save some cash because although we are close to so many amazing destinations, travel with a family of five is never cheap. Anywhere.

A third “takeaway” would be that I miss my independence. As an American woman, I’m used to doing what I want, when I want to. In my own car. On my own time. Not so in China. In China, I’m dependent on our driver whom I share with my husband. Sounds glamorous? Nope. Not at all. Everything must be planned and the logistics of evening activities can get quite crazy. And there’s a major lack of privacy – my driver knows everything I do and everywhere I go. A lot of my friends have scooters, but I don’t. Yet. I ride my bike and that affords me a bit of independence, but a scooter would be better. On the other hand, having a driver lets me text and ride. And we never have to designate a driver. He’s always there!

The five stages of grief. I’ve heard it all before. As expats, we are warned about it – Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They are lurking around every corner. Our international school held a meeting about it. Articles in expat magazines are dedicated to it. Other bloggers blog about it. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, click here. Or here. Or here. (Some of these sites use different terminology, but you’ll get the gist of it.)

I lost my mother many years ago and there have been many situations in my life where I had to process through these stages. It’s not fun, people. My husband says I’ve hit the “wall” and I’m now experiencing this phenomenon. Maybe I have. Maybe I am. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing… life is a journey and perhaps my path has just become a bit rocky?

Am I unhappy? No! Not at all. In fact, I’m frustrated that I even have to move through these stages. Again. I’m a little tired of it all. Right now, I’m a bit isolation with a splash of anger. But at least I recognize it! I’ve kept to myself for the past couple of weeks, taking care of sick kids and adjusting to my chaotic new life. Throughout this post I will insert the stage that pertains to my thoughts…

Let’s talk about how my life has changed here in Shanghai:

Driving. We have a driver named Jason. He’s wonderful. Respectful, funny, helpful and is kind to our kids. He is also a maniacal driver, which is the norm here in Shanghai. If not, we would never get anywhere! I am not used to having a driver and believe I never will be. It sounds glamorous, but it’s not. I have to plan everything. I can’t just hop in the car and run to Target. (Wait, there is no Target here. Another way my life has changed.) I also share him with my husband which is not really an issue, rather something else to throw into the mix of my planning. It makes daily living a bit more of a challenge. I’m not surprised by how many expats just order food etc. from online markets. It just takes 3x longer to get anything done here. That’s life and I just need to accept that. (Denial.)

Shoes. I walk EVERYWHERE. Or ride my bike. Heels and bikes don’t mix. (Unless you’re Chinese. Then you can rock the heels on the bike/scooter. I’m just not there yet.) For now, I’m wearing Toms but with winter coming I need to find sensible shoes. For my enormous laowai feet. (Size 9 1/2.) My driver says there is a shoe market that caters to giant expat feet. Heading there next week to search for some walking shoes. My dilemma is – I don’t REALLY want any sensible shoes. I’m being resistant. (Denial? Anger?) Maybe I SHOULD wear heels when riding my bike while carrying wine. In the water bottle holder. Who knew wine would fit there? I learn something new every day.

Cleanliness. We remove our shoes in the house for a reason. The Chinese believe (very strongly) in expelling phlegm from their bodies. I’ve read that they do so because they want to expel evil spirits from their throats. Whatever. They do it because they are always coughing from the pollution and smoking. So, they spit. Everywhere. I just don’t get it. (Anger?) Then there’s the public urination. (ANGER.) So, shoes off people. I’m ok with this, except now that it’s getting colder we all need slippers! I need to head to the copy market and pick up some FUGGS. Fake UGGS.

Pollution. Ahhh…air. Don’t take it for granted. This week has been bad here in Shanghai. AQI over 250 – nothing compared to Beijing – but horrible nonetheless. This is bad, bad pollution. Indoor recess kind of pollution. PM 2.5. Particles small enough to invade your lung tissue and never, ever leave. This is not pollen or dust. Rather teeny tiny cancer-causing particles of doom. And the smell. When I was riding my bike home from school last night with my daughter, the brown air just smelled so bad. AQI was around 280. Gross. (Anger.) It’s saddening because our family will leave here someday, escape the poisonous air. The Chinese can’t. They live here, and don’t notice how horrible it is. It’s become their reality and that just upsets me (Depression?) I’ve been wheezing and coughing this week, and have two children doing the same. I ordered Vogmasks and hope they arrive soon.

Food. Can you really grow organic foods in China? Doubtful. Some farms do their best with what they have, but food here is a concern. I can’t over think it. I choose to buy from a variety of different sources, to vary our diets. (Denial?) Certain grocery chains here have had issues with chicken and other meats being out of date. Now my ayi has me worried about bird flu and it’s effect on chicken. She told me yesterday that chicken was bad to eat again. (If you aren’t up on your Chinese food scares, the bird flu affects chicken meat and most people did not eat chicken earlier this year. Or pork because of the dead pigs in the river. It’s been a banner year, China.) Apparently, bird flu (H7N9) has returned down south. She’s worried that history will repeat itself and wants to keep my family healthy. I love that about her. As I have been sitting here, wallowing in my “phases” she has brought me tea and checked on me. Twice. On the flip side- there are so many delicious veggies I had never heard of before and didn’t know I liked. Lotus root? Chinese eggplant? This thing?:

All deliciously prepared by Yufen. Yesterday she made me a seafood lunch:

She said Chinese people eat the fish head to make them smart. I chose not to, but both dishes were very tasty. The Chinese prepare so many dishes for one meal! Yufen tells me that simple, Western cooking is better. For one family dinner at her home, she might prepare 8 different dishes. Like Thanksgiving, every day.

Starting over. Nobody here knows really me. That’s so hard. Making new friends is hard work. (Isolation.) I’m trying to keep busy, making plans with friends. I’ve met some amazing women and men here (shout out to my guy tais!) and I’m working on my circle. People I can depend on for help, encouragement, support and listening. We’re all in the same boat and looking to love our new home here in Shanghai.

Oh, China. You are an amazing country with beautiful people and so much history. I’m just trying to get to know you better. I truly want to understand you. Without judgement. Without negativity. From a place of Acceptance. Just the same way I want my new friends to understand me.

China is old. Very, very old. My new friends and I discovered a bit of “recent” Chinese history today during a short bike ride to the Shezhuang Temple in Jinqiao – literally a block away from our very modern neighborhood. My use of the word “recent” is relative as this temple was built in the late 17th century, during the Ming Dynasty.

I was told about the temple from a neighbor, who found it on a bike ride. Then, I read a blog written by another neighbor – Lost in Shanghai – in which he describes his visit and tells the history of the temple. Check out his blog.

Anyway, to reach the temple, we had to cross a 4 lane road which is a very dangerous undertaking in Shanghai. Once we made it across, a quick left down a dirt road brought us by the few remaining migrant homes. We turned a corner past a pile of trash and found ourselves right in front of the temple. I didn’t take photos of the squalid remains of the migrant village, that topic deserves it’s own post. Check out the photos of what it used to look like: Shezhuang Temple. This two minute YouTube video is enlightening – Future of Shezhuang Temple.

The temple was built to honor a generous man, named JinSan, who became a local hero. He was the official of the Granary and while transporting grain up the river, he distributed some to the starving people living there. Before the Imperial Court could carry out their death sentence for such a crime, he committed suicide.

The temple is beautiful in it’s own way. Sure, it’s dirty, but it is well-maintained and used for festivals. Today, the only other person there was a woman working selling incense.

My friend, Lan, purchased some incense for us all and explained that the people would light three sticks of incense, bow three times, say a prayer – always praying for someone else, never for yourself – bow three more times, then put the incense out in one of these:

We wandered around the temple, talking and appreciating the beauty of this deserted place in the middle of the modern city. The area surrounding the temple is covered in rubble, awaiting some kind of new development. Today, I also read this blog post about a migrant area that was just torn down – Hunting Cheese in China – strange coincidence. This city is growing way too fast…

Enjoy the rest of these photos. I’m looking forward to more of these everyday adventures during my time here. I want to see it all – the good, the bad and the dusty/grimy beauty of ancient history.

The three “spikes” on top are a sign of sorts – telling those who want to enter that they must leave their weapons outside.

Like this:

Tai Tai is a Chinese term for a wealthy married woman who does not work. (Thanks, Wikipedia!) It’s like calling someone a “lady”. It can be a good thing – or derogatory.

It can also mean the wife of highest status in a polygamous marriage. Especially when there are concubines. A man just reeds to be able to distinguish between his women, am I right? Ummm…I don’t think there are more of me (wives OR concubines) around. However, there have been times when I asked my husband for a wife of my own! Now I have one! Sort of. She’s not a wife, but an ayi.

We have an ayi named Yufen. She calls me “Miss” to my face but “Tai Tai” when referring to me. I like to think that she’s using it respectfully? Who knows. I don’t really care! I’m just happy to have her.

An ayi – translated as “auntie” – is a housekeeper, nanny, cook, translator (if you’re lucky). In short, a Renaissance woman. She can do it all. We found Yufen from a US family who was moving to Europe for their next assignment. She came highly recommended and I’m so pleased to have her. She is pleasant, friendly and very, very efficient. She arrives around 8:45, cleans the breakfast dishes, starts the laundry, makes the beds, cleans the bathrooms and vacuums the floors. THEN she makes lunch and we plan dinner. I LOVE her. her English is solid, much better than my Chinese. I’m getting to know her, and really like her.

Yufen has fixed issues with the house – leaky pipes, no hot water, then TOO hot water, low water pressure…we’ve had a lot of water problems. She will help me with my Chinese, once I have some to be helped with! She can stay with the children and seems to really like them a lot. She showed us how to make dumplings the other day, and they were DELICIOUS!

I’m thankful to my husband for interviewing the three women I found from departing expat families. I’m hoping that Yufen is as happy with us as we are with her.