How to Choose the Right Partner in Life

It's a smart idea to actively choose your life mate instead of just going with the first possibility that comes along. On the other hand, it’s also important not to be too picky, since that may narrow your pool of potential partners. You can give yourself the best chance of finding a great partner by deciding where your priorities lie and remaining open to the possibilities that come your way. You can also assess your current relationship to see if it is a good fit. In addition, work on developing personal traits that will help you build a healthy relationship with the right person.

Steps

Method One of Three:Looking for Your Ideal Partner

1

Identify your deal-breakers. Ask yourself which personality traits, habits, or circumstances you can’t accept in a partner. Be prepared to stop seeing someone if any of your deal-breakers are present.[1]

Separate your true deal-breakers from traits that might be annoying, but aren’t the end of the world.

For instance, poor hygiene might be a true deal-breaker for you. On the other hand, you might decide you can live with a partner who likes to stay up late, even though you aren’t a night owl yourself.

2

Decide which personality traits your ideal partner must have. Your partner’s personality will play a big role in determining what kind of relationship you have with them. Decide which traits your ideal partner needs to have, and which ones you could live without.[2]

For instance, you might decide your future partner needs to be trustworthy, kind, and emotionally stable.

Take your own personality and values into consideration. Most people do best with a partner who is at least somewhat similar to them.

3

Think about what kind of lifestyle your ideal partner should have. Imagine spending an ordinary day with your ideal partner. Think about what kinds of things you would enjoy doing together. Ask yourself how much you’re willing to alter your current lifestyle for your future partner.[3]

For instance, if you love going hiking and camping on the weekends, you would probably want to seek out a partner who likes the outdoors.

4

Avoid making overly detailed checklists. It can be fun to make lists of “must-haves” in a future partner, but if you get too invested in your wish list, you might miss out on a great relationship. Focus on how you get along with potential partners in real life, not how well-matched you are on paper.[4]

If you must make a list, focus on just a few of the values or traits that are most important to you.

5

Consider dating people who aren’t your “type.” Sometimes great matches aren’t obvious, so keep an open mind as you look for people to date. If you insist on only seeing people who look a specific way or have a certain kind of job, you could be overlooking others who would make excellent partners.[5]

Expanding your social circle will give you the opportunity to meet more types of people.

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Method Two of Three:Evaluating Your Current Romantic Interest

1

Take the time to get to know people. When you start seeing someone, be patient and let the relationship develop naturally. Don’t get serious too quickly or write someone off prematurely. It takes time to know whether you’re compatible with someone.[6]

If a romantic interest displays red-flag behaviors, there’s probably no reason to get to know them further. However, if you’re not sure whether you like someone or not, going on another date or two can help you figure out how you feel.

2

Trust your gut. If you have a bad feeling about a developing relationship, it’s a good idea to slow things down or break the relationship off entirely. People’s flaws tend to become more pronounced as you spend more time with them. If you’re noticing red flags or deal-breakers in the person you’re seeing, these issues are likely to get worse, not better.[7]

If you’re concerned about certain aspects of a developing relationship, talk to the other person. You may be able to come to a compromise. You may also save yourself some time by figuring out that the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

3

Avoid rushing into a relationship. If you seek out a relationship just for the sake of not being single anymore, you might end up unhappy with the partner you picked. Take your time and think about your future happiness, not just the way you feel right now.[8]

Consider that you might be happier single than you would with a poorly-matched partner.

4

Communicate your needs. You can ensure you find the right match by being open and straightforward about your needs in the relationship. Communicating your values, goals, and future priorities early on can help you figure out if your partner is right for you. Also, be willing to listen to and acknowledge your partner's needs.[9]

For example, if finishing your graduate degree is important, you will need to convey this to your partner.

Relationships require compromise, so you shouldn't express these as if they are a list of ultimatums. However, your partner should be willing to have a discussion with you so that you can reach goals and priorities that align with both your needs.

5

Identify the signs of a healthy partnership. If you're in a good relationship, it probably feels good. But there are some key aspects that will indicate you're headed in the right direction. Healthy relationships share some common elements, such as:[10]

You and your partner share common values and goals

You have realistic expectations

You both contribute to the relationship and are invested in its success

You trust one another

You respect one another's differences

You both maintain your own identities in the relationship

You encourage and support one another's growth

You feel safe communicating your needs

You honor one another's friendships and family ties

You spend quality time together often

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Method Three of Three:Knowing and Being Yourself

1

Know yourself. Be honest with yourself about your personality, needs, and values. Ask yourself where you want your life to take you. Figure out who you are when you’re on your own, not when you’re trying to impress a potential partner.[11]

Having a strong sense of self will help you recognize when you’re compatible with someone.

2

Nurture your own interests. Set goals for yourself, and devote some of your time and energy to the things you like to do. Live in a way that feels true to who you are, regardless of what potential partners might think.[12]

Being passionate about your own interests will make you happier, whether you’re single or not. It will also make you more interesting to other people.

Be up-front about who you are. Authenticity is one of the best ways to find a compatible partner.

3

Develop the personality traits you’d like your partner to have. To find a great relationship, work on becoming the kind of partner you’d like to have yourself. Think about how you want to enrich your future partner’s life.[13]

For instance, if you want a partner who is generous, work on becoming a more giving person yourself.

4

Ensure that your partner values who you are. An ideal romantic partner should be able to maintain a balance. Your mate should value and appreciate who you are right now, flaws and all. You shouldn't feel like you have to be someone else around them. However, that person should also support your growth and encourage you to be the very best version of yourself.

Question whether your partner lets you be who you are while still supporting your growth. For example, they shouldn't be pushing you to be someone else, or discouraging you from making positive changes.

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