Monthly Archives: January 2009

Tomorrow begins BP’s short but (hopefully) memorable jaunt down south, then up north east, and then back west to Des Moines, aka “Beati Paoli Winter Tour 2009!” Original, I know. Here is all the info you’ll need!

This tour is going to be grand. Hitting up some old favorites, as well as some new places. Expect (maybe) daily updates from the road. And this time, our roadie will be everyone’s favorite youtuber and TNM blogger, Tony!

The New York Times posted an article about the recipe for Bacon Explosion, which has 5,000 calories and 500 grams of fat. See above.

Since I’ve mentioned one ridiculous food, I might as well mention Doner Kebabs, which have disgusting amounts of fat, saturated fat and salt. Also, according to the BBC article, 33% of doner kebabs are mismarked for the type of meat they contain.

have you heard of Issei Sagawa? he’s the “godfather of cannibals”. if you don’t know him by that title, you might know him as THAT GUY WHO KILLED AND ATE A WOMAN IN FRANCE, ADMITED TO IT, AND NEVER WENT TO JAIL!

in 1981, while attending the sorbonne academy, sagawa killed a fellow college student by inviting her over to his apartment and shooting her in the back of the neck. the obvious next step was to eat her butt.

” Suddenly a lot of sallow fat oozes from the wound. It reminds me of Indian corn. It continues to ooze. It is strange. Finally I find the red meat under the sallow fat. I scoop it out and put it in my mouth. I chew. It has no smell and no taste. It melts in my mouth like a perfect piece of tuna. I look in her eyes and say: ‘You are delicious.’ “

after eating some raw butt, he got out the old electric carving knife and sampled quite a few other parts of her body as well, trying a handful of cooking techniques. now, for most of us, becoming a cannibal would probably be good enough, right? well, not for issei… he decided this night was a good time to also become a necrophile. but don’t worry! issei isn’t just about fucking, mutilating, and eating humans, he also has a sensitive side – when he got tired, he brought the mangled corpse to his bed and lovingly slept along side it.

the next morning, he got up and decided to continue his feast. he would keep removing and preparing parts of her body until the flies buzzing around it became too much for him. when this happened, he began chopping her up into a bunch of little pieces that he would fit into his suitcase. this is the point where you would think the story would start to fall in line with other “chopping people up and putting them in containers” tales, but no, this one is special because most of those other stories don’t include a section where the killer gets aroused by his dismembment and uses a severed hand to masturbate. WOW!!

he fit all of the remains, minus some select pieces that he stored in his fridge, into a suitcase, got in a taxi, and went to a park to dispose of them. when some people saw him having issues with the suitcase, he panicked and ran off. human body parts were seen protruding from the suitcase, and the cops were called. a couple days later, sagawa was arrested and found to be TOO FUCKING CRAZY. he was put in an institution for a couple years, eventually being deported back to japan, where he spent aproximately one and a half more years in an asylum. then he was released. but don’t worry! this isn’t one of those cases where the disgusting murderer ends up living the rest of his days in squalor, shunned by society. no sir! issei is a regular damn celebrity; appearing on tv programs, writing restaurant reviews, and starring in softcore porn. he’s currently living in an apartment in tokyo, but has a passport to germany. THIS IS GOOD!?

natalie and i have started a tumblr account. we call it Laconic Oration. it’s basically an addendum to this blog. it will be full of images with the occasional audio or video. text accompaniment will be sparse, and updates will be frequent.

much like the noising machine blog, it has no focus, but is comprised of the beautiful things we have found while adventuring through the online. if you like this blog, but HATE reading, check out Laconic Oration. if you like this blog, but could use a few more posts a day, add Laconic Oration to your rss reader.

HEY! do NOT worry. Laconic Oration will not take away from our input on this lovely old blog. it may even help to bring more updates to the site!

and just so you can get an idea of what you’ll find at Laconic Oration, here are some of the recent posts:

Taken from tennis player Andy Murray‘s wikipedia entry about five minutes ago:

At a young age he was pinned down by a group of homesexuals and brutally raped, one of the men attempted to insert a tennis racket in his anus. So suggest this his were he found his love for tennis and his homesexual tendensies.

After reading through those lines twice and copying what I pasted above, I reloaded the webpage. Magically, they disappeared.
This of course lead me to read up on vandalism on Wikipedia and I found another amusing bit, as reported by columnist Sujay Kumar :

While Wikipedia says that most vandal edits are removed within five minutes, some falsities have managed to go unnoticed. An outlandishly fake entry about Larry King‘s uncontrollable flatulence was posted for a month.

Well, barely three weeks into the new year and I already broken one of my (actually only) New Year’s resolution. “What was it?” you ask? It was to update the blog at least once a week, that’s what.

Whoops.

I’ll trudge on anyway and pretend last week will be an isolated incident.

On to better things….

Last week, as I was babysitting lil’ baby Leo, I was watching cable television (hey, I take this babysitting thing seriously. I order pizza, talk on the phone, have my boyfriend come over, all of the important things that good babysitters do), when a commercial for the Snuggie Blanket came on.

Now, after a bit of internet research, I’ve come to realize this thing has been around for a little while now, so excuse me if this is old hat. Immediately after seeing it, I was dumbfounded that someone had the dumb idea to simply take a bathrobe (which looks like a rejected costume from “Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope”), turn it around, and market it as a completely new product. But then my perplexity was quickly replaced by awe. I realized that the person who “created” the Snuggie was fairly brilliant. I mean, people always say the simplest way to invent something is to take an already existing item and improve upon it. This person said “fuck that” and took an already existing item and did nothing to it except suggest people wear it backwards and gave it a new name. Then the person went on to create problems with which most people are supposed to identify, such as blankets which “slip and slide” and when having to reach for something “your hands are trapped inside.”

This thought process was eventually interrupted with I realized I had left lil’ eight-month-old Leo in the bathtub for the last few minutes and figured I should get back to supervising him.