New England

New Englanders, get ready. Although the snow and extremely cold temperatures have come quick this year, things are about to take a turn.

According to NOAA, a series of extreme winter storms are brewing off the coast, with all of them expected to hit most of New England by the middle of next week. The storms, dubbed “nor’easters” because of the direction they travel, will bring over ten feet of wet, packed snow between Tuesday and Thursday.

“I don’t want to go on record and say this is unprecedented, but it’s pretty close,” said NOAA weather researcher Mark Henry. “To get that much snow in such a small window of time is going to be hell for many people. Plus, because of the type of snow, we can expect massive and long-lasting power outages. It will be heavy and wet and packed, and downed trees and power lines will be almost a guarantee. This is absolutely the worst storm I’ve ever seen brewing in over 35 years as a weather researcher.”

Maine, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts are already calling for a state of emergency, and plow crews from nearby states and Canada are already being prepared to help with the storm.

“This is going to be the Big One,” said Henry. “Everyone get that bread and milk from the store – you’re going to need it.”

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.

“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”

Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.

“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”

The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”

“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.”

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

You may have heard the term “agoraphobia” and you may even know that it refers to a fear of stepping outside your home. Maybe you learned it from that old Incubus song, or maybe you’re simply not a dumbass. Whatever the case, you’ll have sympathy for this New England man who hasn’t left his house in 10 years. Yes, that’s 10 years.

Daniel Wiley was a well-adjusted 22-year-old when he experienced his first attack of agoraphobia. The year was 2003, and New England was in the midst of a terrible snowstorm.

“That fucking snowstorm ruined my life,” he muses. “I had everything I had ever wanted. A job, a steady girlfriend, a family who loved me. And then one day I had it all taken away. Goddamit, it was cold out. Anyone would’ve done the same.”

The condition progressed to the point that Wiley could not even bear the thought of going out, in case there was another snowstorm.

“I hate when it’s too cold. It’s just plain uncomfortable. I’m not strange, I just don’t like the cold. It makes me shiver.”

Friends and family have urged him to move to Florida or California, where the climate is much warmer and not conducive to snow, but Daniel says he won’t let his condition dictate his life.

“Move? I’m not moving because of a stupid snowstorm. Only a sucker would do that. I looked outside the other day and there was 6 feet of snow on the ground. I almost vomited. But it’s not gonna stop me from living where I want to live and doing the things I want to do. I’ll just wait it out. Snowstorms are just a way of life up here. My way of life, though, happens to be staying the hell away from them. It’s nice and cozy in my house. ”

An albino New England native, John Logan, has gone missing during a snowstorm in New England. There has been no sightings of the pigmentally challenged individual thus far, yet rescue services are hoping that with the storm settling by late Tuesday, they’ll be able to find signs of his whereabouts.

“It’s strange that we haven’t found him,” said rescue worker Jonah Abrahams. “We’ve usually located missing persons by this time, even in a storm of this calibre. It’s like he just…dissolved.”

Longtime friend of Logan, Burson Brookes, suggested that Logan’s disadvantaged background may be related to his disappearance. According to Brookes, Logan has a physiological defect – that of being left-handed.

“John was never allowed to join the scouts,” he said. “They claimed that he wouldn’t be able to fit in, because he’d have to learn the skills they taught from the inverse side, but we all knew it was down to that prejudice against lefties the scouts are infamous for.”

Logan’s mother also blasted the local Boy Scouts, saying that he’d probably be home safe now were it not for their bigotry against anyone “with the slightest difference.”

“I know they’ve discriminated against boys of color,” the frantic mom stated. “But Johnny was certainly not a boy of color.”

Late afternoon attempts to locate Logan were hampered by another mystery. Numerous sightings were reported of what has been described as a “paranormal,” and “ghostly” phenomenon. Members of the public who had previously volunteered to help search for their fellow citizen were scared and discouraged, lowering Logan’s chances of being found.

“It’s some sort of freak show out there,” one visibly shaken witness said. “I mean, this could be the cause of his disappearance.”

When asked to describe what had left her so scared, she stated that an outfit was out there moving of its own accord, seemingly inhabited by an invisible man. “Either that, or someone with freakishly good camouflage for these conditions.”

Bill Belichick’s image may be seen on more popular sports websites soon, as whispers across the Beltway indicate that the New England Patriot’s coach is now a recruitment target of the political elite.

With the Super Bowl fast approaching, many have their minds locked into the strategies and game plans that will be employed by the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks. However, according to sources, some big-wigs in the political realm have their eyes set on one particular mastermind for a wholly different reason.

“Bill Belichick would be a great ‘get’ for any political party,” a Capitol Hill source stated. “Think about it. Football is the new opiate of the masses, and you have an entire section of America, an important voting sector, that love that man more than their mothers. To harness the power of sporting fandom and translate it to politics would be a surefire way to gain footing in the political realm.”

His popularity isn’t the only reason Belichick is being sought after, though, according to the source. “The way he’s handled controversy with ease is the envy of many on The Hill. Most of the political elite can be brought down by a single scandal. But not Belichick.”

It is true that Belichick has somehow been able to remain relatively unscathed. In 2007, New England was caught taping opponents practices, and escaped with just fines. Now, in 2015, the Patriots were found to be deflating footballs. The latter controversy was all be squashed only a week after it was noted. Anyone can get away with a single controversy through nothing more than luck. However, the Patriots leader has now survived two without so much as a hint at resignation.

The unnamed source continued by saying, “Spygate showed he had what it takes to survive a political storm. But Deflategate is where he showed that he has that impervious spirit of politics, and is immune to the ire of the populous. That shows true talent and any part would be lucky to have him.”

When asked which party has attempted to court Belichick, the source laughed, stating, “I can’t think of a party that hasn’t offhand. Maybe the Boiling Frog Party in Colorado? Everyone wants him. They want to make him President. And if he’s even remotely interested, they will make it happen.”

Tom Brady’s supermodel wife, Gisele Bündchen, has reportedly put her body where her mouth is. After the Patriot’s crushing loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI, Brady’s wife says that she is offering the team an incentive to step up their game for this year – by offering to sleep with the MVP when the Pats win.

“I want my husband to get his fourth Super Bowl ring,” said Bündchen. ”I’m hoping by offering to sleep with the MVP, the rest of the team will work as hard as Tom always does. Tom wants to win too, of course, and I know he’s behind this decision. The whole idea really gets the team fired up. Plus, Tom’s pretty confident that when they win, which they obviously will, that he will be the MVP. Secretly, it’s the only reason that I’m even doing this. I wouldn’t sleep with a football player if I wasn’t already married to one. Plus, my God, can you imagine sleeping with anyone on the Seahawks? Yikes. It does help, too, that Tom’s the sexiest hunk to ever wear pads.”

“Well I know as far as I’m concerned, I’m definitely going to play harder,” said New England’s Rob Gronkowski. ”Personally, I’d really to showing Gisele why it is that I’m a tight end.”

“Gisele is a real team player, and she is going to make this victory extremely sweet,” said Brady. “In all honesty, there’s no doubt in my mind that I will be MVP, so I really don’t care about this whole ‘announcement’ anyway. I supported her because, hell, it’s just nice to see the team fired up for once. Plus, all this talk about my smoking hot wife really takes your mind off deflated balls, if you know what I mean.”

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”

With Rob Gronkowski having his own brand of literary erotica hitting the shelves in 2015, Gronkowski’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, has been talking with many companies to see what else his client might be best to endorse.

“We are just scratching the surface on the marketability of Rob Gronkowski,” said Rosenhaus. “As he is larger-than-life on the gridiron, we know that he can be larger-than-life in your home, and on your store shelves.”

Speaking on his own behalf, Gronkowski outlined his new product lines outlining all of his favorite products.

“Day by day I am working hard on the field, but I need to prepare to party-rock off the field, as well. With the help of Drew, my Mom and Dad, and Bibi Jones, I’ve come up with my own line of goods for all of my biggest fans,” said Gronkowski during a recent press conference. “For example, I know that I’m not the only one that likes to work out and get big, so for all my fans who work out, we have developed Gronky Way ‘Chocolate’ Bars. They contain only whey protein, which has been spray painted brown to resemble candy. It’s what every gym rat will ever need.”

Gronkowski says that he and Rosenhaus were not able to find endorsements for existing products that they felt were “up to the Gronkowski standard,” which is why they decided to create their own line of products.

“You know I couldn’t forget about the ladies, so for those out there who need a little help staying pure, we created Rob Gronkowski Chastity Belts. This also has a double bonus for the Patriot-loving Dads too, you don’t have to worry when a ‘Gronk’ is around your daughters. I don’t recommend buying it in conjunction with my new erotica titles, though.”

Rosenhaus says that many players in all sports would “kill” to have their name on some of the products that he and Gronkowski have developed.

“We also have two household items that we are currently in production,” said Rosenhaus. “Gronk’s Own Cat Food, and Gronky Vodka will be released later this year. The cat food consists of minced fish, plus a little of that Rob Gronkowski smile to keep your cat looking good for the whole year. The vodka will come in several flavors, and is for all those party-rockers at home to have a great time with ‘Gronk’. But please, drink Gronk responsibly.”

With the expected success of Gronkowski merchandise, it’s very possible that fans could see other football-related products hitting the market as well. The Antonio Chromartie Baby Names Book, Manti Te’o’s Dating Advice Column, Adrian Peterson’s Day Care Chains, and Plaxico Burress’ Gun Safety Course are all currently in the works.