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Friday, July 9, 2010

A Difficult Confession

I have a horrible admission to make. It isn’t easy for me. This has been eating me up inside for weeks. I just can’t keep the cover-up going. All of the blogging about Ergun Caner, the audio clips, the YouTube videos – it’s all been highly coordinated and orchestrated. You see, it has all been a vast Calvinist conspiracy to bring down the biggest threat to Calvinism since Jacob Arminius himself; Dr. Ergun Mehmet Caner.

You see, we knew that Ergun Caner was just too good, too funny, and too persuasive to be allowed to continue. So we put together a crack team of computer graphics artists, quantum physicists, cartoonists, and bloggers and went to work.

Using pirated versions of James Cameron’s state-of-the-art 3-dimensional Computer Graphics Technology and precise physical measurements of Ergun Caner, obtained at great risk by commando teams using laser scanners as he slept on airplanes while flying from one anti-Calvinist conference to another, we painstakingly constructed a perfect digital model of Dr. Caner.

We also combed through hours of high-quality audio and created a digital library of every vocal sound uttered by Dr. Caner that has ever been recorded. Then, using highly advanced audio processors, we were able to combine those sounds into any word or phrase needed.

Next, we stole temporal displacement equipment from a top secret lab at MIT. This equipment was used in several ways.

First, using the projection mode of the temporal displacement equipment, we were able to project an absolutely perfect 3D image of Dr. Caner anywhere, and, more importantly, anywhen we chose. We were able to project this image of Dr. Caner back in time and make him stand behind any pulpit we chose and make him say whatever we wanted him to say. In this way, we built up a vast library of “authentic” audio and video recordings, all in plain sight, in front of thousands of witnesses.

Then we used other features of the temporal displacement equipment to change dates on legal documents filed in the Columbus, Ohio courthouse, as well as real estate records.

For my part, I’m sorry I was ever a part of this diabolical scheme. We have totally maligned an honorable man. For the record: Ergun Caner never claimed to have grown up in Turkey; he has never watched The Dukes of Hazard or Professional Wrestling; and he does not eat ham or babies.

(I think Norman Geisler is starting to figure it out, too. We never should have left that copy of The Potter’s Freedom on his desk in 1972…)

Sluggy Freelance

WARNING: Sluggy Freelance is a quirky, offbeat, secular comic strip for grown-ups. It is not an "adult" cartoon, but it is PG-13, and not for children. I think it's funny, and that's probably a sign of my own depravity. Yes, the bunny is cute, but he's homicidal, OK?