the diary of our quest for baby number 2

Anomaly scan on Friday 11.20am which I’m looking forward to. Wriggler continues to wriggle throughout the day and has even been visible from the outside! My husband has been able to feel wriggles and kicks too which is so nice. My bump is extremely pronounced – I was asked yesterday just how many cushions I had tucked up my t-shirt!! But another colleague declared it to be a neat bump which is a good thing. I’ll dig out the tape measure in a minute and see how big it really is – certainly there’s no doubting I’m pregnant. I can’t help but wonder how huge I’d be if we still had the triplets, or even the twins… probably about to split I should think. I’m still slathering on the body butter and oils in the hope of minimising stretch marks and touch wood, it’s working so far… My daughter likes to help rub in the cream after my shower, and delights in the fact that ‘baby likes it’.

Sad news on the Bounty web forum. A girl from Due In July who I’ve chatted to a couple of times via the boards was expecting twins and had concerns about having them early as she’d delivered her son last year at 23wks. Well, lo and behold, she says she had the babies at 23.+3 days weighing 1lb and the other 1lb 2oz – one is on a ventilator and one is on CPAC? I’m not sure what that means but we were all pleased that her babies seemed to be fighters and that the doctors ‘intervened’ (often they don’t until 24wks minimum). However a few days later, threads started to appear suggesting this girl is a serial liar and has been banned from several other parenting boards for telling lies. Apparently she doesn’t have any children, prem or otherwise, plays hockey and goes by three different surnames. Whether this is true or not, it’s left me feeling really unsettled – if she’s genuine, then how distressing to hear all the horrible bitchy comments that have come up. On the other hand, if she is making it all up, it’s really not funny, in fact it would suggest to me that she needs psychiatric help. I don’t know what to believe and wish I could shake off the uncomfortable feeling it’s left me with.

Bump update – measuring 103cm today!! That’s over a metre 😀

Oh, and the indigestion/heartburn or virus or whatever it was appears to have gone. Hurray!

And boy has it taken forever to get here. Finally, I am at the halfway stage and hopefully out of the danger zone. Wriggler is living up to his name this week and I’m feeling movements throughout the day – it’s funny how they differ from those that my daughter made when she was inside. She used to wave her arms and legs around so I’d feel distinct prods, whereas Wriggler is more of a somersaulting type. It also feels like he’s really low down. It’s nice to be able to feel him in there though, can’t believe it’s been 8 wks since I could feel the three of them moving about.

Plans to move are coming along nicely. House viewings are being lined up for Saturday and we’re busy getting quotes for various diy bits that need doing here. Other plans afoot are to go for a home water birth if able. I’ve decided that I like the Made in Water ‘la Bassine’f and at just over £100 for the pool and accessories, it’s still way cheaper than hiring one. I really hope to give birth in the pool as well as using it during labour, it’s sort of symbolic for me in that I think of the twins being safe ‘in the blue’ (see a previous post) so to birth the wriggler into the blue completes the circle. Plus the benefits of water births are well known and combine nicely with hypnobirthing. Which is another thing I’ve been getting on to – arranging for more sessions. Looks like we’ll start either a refresher or a full course at around 30wks and I can’t wait! It was so relaxing.

Darling daughter continues to amuse and annoy in equal measures as is befitting a 2.5yr old. She’s back to not sleeping for more than a few hours at a time at night which is not great when combined with my indigestion/noro virus stomach ache thing which keeps me awake anyway. At 4am today I went in and the conversation went something like this:

DD: It’s dark. I can’t see anything, no toys.
Me: That’s because it’s night time. And night time is when we sleep.
DD: I can’t see *anything*. It’s night time. Dark.
Me: Yes darling. It’s night time and it’s dark. The sun comes out in the morning.
DD: Sunshine? Sunshine go pop morning. It’s breakfast timing!!
Me: Yes darling. Sunshine comes in the morning and then it’s breakfast time
DD: I have toast and cereal?
Me: Yes, in the morning. But it’s dark now because it’s night time. Night time is when we sleep. When you wake up it will be morning.
DD: And sunshine go pop – breakfast timing!!
Me: Yes. Ok, night night darling. Mama’s going back to bed to sleep.

Aaaaaaaargh! And now we have a very sleepy grumpy little girl, a leaden eyed Mama and probably a sleep deprived Daddy (he’s at work). So much for my rational explanation – I should have guessed it would be taken literally 🙂 Next stop is for the Bunny Clock – we hear great things about it and it’s got to be worth a go surely. Broken sleep and v early mornings are bad for us all in this family.

It really does seem like one thing after another this time. Tuesday night brought with it a nasty stomach ache (not bump related) followed by some unpleasantness of the toilet variety (sorry TMI) and the stomach ache has continued day and night up to and including today. It’s actually woken me up at night it hurts so much. I’ve tried Gaviscon in case it’s indigestion (although it feels too low down for that, and constant) but no joy with it. Also have a vice-like headache which laughs in the face of the puny paracetamol.

Managed to get a cancellation appt with the GP today and he was very nice but said basically there are a lot of tummy bugs going around at the moment and it appears to be a milder version of the Noro virus which went around at Christmas. Lovely. Can’t give me anything to help relieve the symptoms because of being pregnant other than Gaviscon and paracetamol!!

Oh well. In other pg news, we had our first joint counselling session yesterday and it was good. I always think I don’t have anything much to say at the beginning but somehow the flood gates open and before we know it, the session is ending. It was really good for me to listen to my husband and his feelings/thought about the reduction. I’m so caught up in my head that it’s difficult to remember there are other ways of looking at it and dealing with it. It’s confirmed my feeling that we both have very different takes on it, not surprisingly. I felt connected instantly with the triplets where as he didn’t, well at least not in the same way. He feels he has moved on and is looking forward to meeting the wriggler and is more excited about the pregnancy than I am. For me, things remain much the same, I’m full of grief, remorse, guilt, hatred towards myself, unconnected with the bump and our growing son, all at sea, about to go under at any moment. I had hoped that after the reduction the feeling of being caught between a rock face and quick sand, whilst standing in a fast flowing river heading towards a deathly waterfall would disappear, but it appears I’m still stuck there. I want to move on, but can’t seem to. I go through the motions of pregnancy excitement but don’t truly feel it. I love the little nappies, and the tiny clothes but I love those cute things regardless. I can’t imagine our baby wearing them, or how I’ll feel when he is wearing them. I’m scared of how I’m going to feel, or perhaps more honestly, what will happen if I don’t feel anything. I’m scared of having post natal depression again, I’m scared that our decision at 12 wks will affect this baby for all it’s life. Yet, shit happens in life and we have to find a way of getting on and not looking back too often. We can’t change the decision we made, nor would we choose to if offered it again I don’t think. But it’s become part of us all and I do feel different. I feel like a terrible mum, undeserving of my kids love. I miss my twins, my triplets. I am a mother of four, yet I will only truly know two of them. I do know that I love them all and will never forget the ones who are not with us anymore.