Egypt News: Egypt’s president Mohammed Morsi was forced to flee his palace when protesters stormed the front gate. Morsi is receiving protection from the U.S. State Department, so he was smart to run for his life.

England News: The annual “World’s Biggest Liar” contest was held last week. The winner gets a job with the U.S. State Department explaining to Congress who changed the CIA talking points on Benghazi.

North Korea News: North Korea launched a rocket this week which apparently has broken its elusive 81-second space flight barrier. Officials say the rocket can reach Los Angeles, if they launch it from Santa Monica.

Norway News: The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean Germany.

Pakistan News: Al-Qaida’s number two man was killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, al-Qaida’s number three man announced he is stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Vatican News: The Pope spoke out this week against materialism. He says for Christmas, instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really tell the Pope’s not married, can’t you?

Washington D.C. News: Pennsylvania Avenue, which connects the White House and the U.S. Capitol Building, has been listed as an “endangered landscape” because of negligence and delayed maintenance; which is pretty much the very definition of irony.

Political News: Former House Majority Leader Dick Armeny resigned from the Tea Party after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites.

Hanukkah News: The White House celebrated Hanukkah last week. President Obama said a prayer and lit the candles on a Menorah; and then Joe Biden made a wish and blew them out.

Economic News: The big topic continues to be the “fiscal cliff.” That is not a term that normal people use. Congress needs to use words people understand… something like, we are headed for “broke-ass mountain.”

California News: Southern California has been walloped with rainstorms this month. There were 300 car accidents in Los Angeles in just one day; most of them caused by drivers who were texting while hydroplaning.

New York News: The New York police department announced it is teaching its officers how to be more polite. I think it is working. The last time I got frisked in New York the cop asked me, “Have you lost weight?”

Question of the Week: Joe, what exactly is the “Fiscal Cliff”?
Answer: It is when congressmen who are protected from a pay cut decide what happens to everyone else.

Trump Update: Following the presidential election, Donald Trump went nuts and tweeted a call for a revolution. Police had to be rushed to Park Avenue to put down a mob of rich people wielding shrimp forks.

Economic Headlines: The value of the U.S. dollar continues to fall; now ranking behind the British pound, the Euro, the Swiss franc, the Canadian dollar, the Australian dollar and Twinkies.

Editorial: Everyone loves Denzel Washington as a drunk pilot in the movie “Flight”, so why no love for me as a drunk passenger on JetBlue security footage?

Hostess Update: Hostess may sell its brand to a Mexican bakery called “Grupo Bimbo”; that is not to be confused with the club that Jill Kelley and Paula Broadwell belong to.

McDonald’s News: McDonald’s reported today that it had better than expected sales in November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items and two states legalizing marijuana.

NBA News: Congratulations to Kobe Bryant who became the youngest player ever to reach 30,000 points in his career. Even more impressive: If he stays healthy, he could get his 25th career assist sometime later this season.

Petraeus Update: It now comes to light that David Petraeus was not well liked at the CIA. Here is a tip to all of you out there: Don’t cheat on your spouse if you work with professional spies who don’t like you.

Religion News: Pat Robertson shocked Evangelicals by challenging creationism and saying the earth is more than 6,000-years old. Robertson said that he made the decision after God spoke to him through a signing gorilla.

Sports News: The New Orleans Hornets are reportedly changing their name to the Pelicans, although they also considered calling themselves the “Brass.” Even celebrity babies are like, “Those names really suck!”

Quote of the Week: “Do you think people will care if we just stop writing this calendar?” ~ Ancient Mayans.

Santa Hates Your Kid

Ways to know that Santa hates your kid.

· Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
· Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
· Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
· By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
· Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
· Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the stupid list
· Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
· Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

Your Father Is Drunk

Sung to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.

He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks,
Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk,

He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo….

You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don’t like that look in his eye,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s….
Daddy’s home and boy is he…….
Daddy’s home and he’s really drunk!

Without A Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you’re not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you’re ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

How Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawn care specialist.
How ’bout I send you a fu(king book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
Can you please get my parents back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays?
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the $hits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house.
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging Shit may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
——————————————————————————–
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

The Top Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking

· While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.
· You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathalyzer.
· Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
· You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
· Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
· After each child, he has a Jell-O Shot.
· This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
· He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.
· Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”

Grandma’s Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table…spoon…of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

The Top Don’ts At The Office Christmas Party

· Don’t go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
· Don’t put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
· Don’t offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
· Don’t call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
· Don’t chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
· Don’t tell your boss that you’re the one that runs the company.

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

I’ve had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We’re going to keep the God damn party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!