How To Cater To Every Single Hottest 100 Personality

The triple j Hottest 100 is one of the most diabolical and hotly debated contests in Australia. Nothing compares. The Ashes? Nah, not even close. AFL Grand Final? That’s never divided a household! Ricki-Lee failing to make the Final Two, circa the 2003 Australian Idol? Okay, that one was pretty bad.

But how can you cater to every sort of personality that is drawn to the Hottest 100? How can you bring them together in a great celebration of music, that unites rather than divides? You throw them a nice party, that’s how, said our friends at Smirnoff. And we’re tapping up the vodka specialists to make sure you have the perfect personalised cocktail to suit every punter.

The Invested Muso

This is the friend who has been listening to the Hottest 100 since the days when you had to tape songs off the radio if you wanted to hear them again. They can give you a list of winners dating back to when ‘Wonderwall’ was a hot new track. They will have their ears glued to the speaker, anxiously waiting for the top ten to be announced. The Smirnoff experts reckon it’s best to serve up a cocktail with a ton of ice so you can just leave them be.

Serve: Vodka Lime Crush (Serves 4)

70g (1/3 cup) caster sugar

4 limes, cut into wedges

160ml (2/3 cup) Smirnoff Red vodka, chilled

Crushed ice

Chilled lemonade

Place the sugar and lime wedges in a mortar and pound with a pestle until the lime is crushed. Add the Smirnoff and ice and pound until combined. Divide among serving glasses, pour over the lemonade and serve.

The Eye-Roller

It may have been Shania Twain who said, “That don’t impress-a me much” but it’s the Eye-Roller who lives this as a creed. They’re not impressed by who you voted for. They’re not impressed by which song wins. Heck, they don’t even listen to triple j (allegedly). This is the friend who you love to talk to about stuff you hate, but not stuff you like. Grab the Smirnoff so you can make ‘em a cocktail that they can’t help but love.

Serve: Vodka Martini (Serves 6)

1/2 cup ice cubes

375ml (1 1/2 cups) Smirnoff Red vodka, chilled

125ml (1/2 cup) dry vermouth

6 Sicilian green olives

Place the ice in a cocktail shaker. Add the Smirnoff and shake until well combined. Pour one tablespoon of vermouth into a chilled martini glass, then swirl vermouth around the glass to coat the side. Place an olive in the glass, then strain the Smirnoff into the glasses.

The Taylor Swift Fan

An early adopter of the #Tay4Hottest100 campaign, this punter still holds onto a long-gone hope. ‘Maybe this is the year,’ they think silently to themselves, scrolling through the Reputation tracklist on their phone. Look, it’s not going to be the year. (Then again, Alanis Morisette got into the 1995 Hottest 100 three times and she wasn’t played on triple j once. Stranger things have happened.) Give them a nice cocktail anyway, like this Smirnoff summer belter, and hope that they don’t run into the Kanye fan.

Serve: Watermelon Vodka (Makes 1.5 litres)

1 small seedless watermelon

750ml bottle chilled Smirnoff Red vodka

Soda water or lemonade

Lemon slices

Place the rind-less watermelon flesh in a food processor and process until smooth. Pass the puree through a sieve and discard any solids. Add the Smirnoff to the watermelon puree and refrigerate for 2 hours. Pour watermelon vodka into tall glasses until 1/4 full, then top up with soda water or lemonade. Add crushed ice and garnish with lemon slices.

The Musical Knowledge-Faker

Look, 2017 was a long year. It was difficult to keep up-to-date with all of the new music popping up on your car radio/your online playlists/interesting ads you saw while watching The Bachelorette. Some people carry this lack of musical awareness like a huge weight of shame, and will do anything to avoid appearing ignorant. This means that they are the easiest to trick when you come up with a fake band name and ask if they like them (note: ‘Turbo Shandy’ is not a real Australian rock band, no matter how much it sounds like it).

Serve: Cranberry Vodka (Makes 1.25 litres)

250g cranberries (fresh or frozen, thawed)

1L (4 cups) Smirnoff Red vodka

3/4 cup (165g) caster sugar

1 vanilla bean, split, seeds scraped

Prick cranberries all over with a pin. Place in a 2L (8-cup) sterilised jar. Add Smirnoff, sugar and vanilla pod and seeds. Convince them that each batch has been sealed in an airtight container, set aside in a cool, dark place for 2 weeks, and shaken daily. Insist that the mix must be strained into sterilised bottles before serving.It’s not true, but it’ll be super funny.

The Smooth FM Listener

Hey guys, can we put on some George Michael between songs? I think ‘Careless Whisper’ will go down a treat.”

Serve: Vodka and apple punch (Serves 4)

120mL Smirnoff Red Vodka

300mL cloudy apple juice

60mL lemon juice

Handful of mint

Lemon slices

Apple, cut into chunks

Cucumber, cut into chunks

Ice cubes

Fill a jug with ice, pour in Smirnoff. Top with apple juice and lemon juice. Garnish with mint, lemon wheels/slices, apple and cucumber chunks, then stir.

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