Horoscopes With Medium Phil – 15th October

Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – A small man will challenge you to a fight outside Reardens. You only have a large trout at hand for some reason. Don’t worry, though you lose the fight, you win the war.

Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – You will come into great riches this week, but you’ll invest all the money in worthless stocks. Did you learn nothing from the Telecom Eireann debacle?!

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – Okay look, bungee jumping sounds fun, but trust me, you need the chord. You absolutely need the chord. “Era be grand” does NOT work for bungee.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – You had a great time at Docklands, now prepare to spend a great time in the GUM clinic. Yep, you got the herpe at Docklands. Damn, they could’ve put that on a shirt…

Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Lol, fuck you Leo you shitehawk. Repeal the Eighth waheyy (I swear, Leos, someday you’ll get a horoscope that is unrelated to either that gowl Varadkar or those wonderful lions).

Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – In the interest of balance, due to the mention of the Repeal for Leos, we’ve given Virgo to the pro-life campaign. Not saying there’s a link between being a Virgin and a pro-lifer but…

Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – Hey, it’s more than likely your birthday right now, so be sure to have yourself a good time. And if you’re a Satanist it’s double-great for you, so enjoy your good…bad? Erm, enjoy your… Satanist self.

Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Dude, how fucking dope would it be if, like, hamsters could talk? If they, were like, giant and could talk? Spooning would be the shit. Hamster buddies are fucking aces.

Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – You’re going to meet an English person this week while drunk and demand “our six counties back.” It will not succeed. If you’re English and reading this…give us our six counties back.

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – Hey dude, you’ve been having a rough time of late, but I see it getting cooler for you. How cool? Ice cold! Nah for real, hope things get better for you friendo.

Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – It’s been just about a month into the year, and in the next month you’ll realise all the shite habits you’ve been inflicting on your new housemates. That food you think is communal? Nope. Bad dose.

Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – You are going to meet famous television actor Peter Dinklage. And while you had no intention of sleeping with him (because you’re in a relationship), he’s just too charming. Don’t worry about your boo, they fucked him too. He’s that good.

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas.
Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway).
Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.