Dad

Monday, March 10, 2014

Today is my birthday and I am home on the couch, mildly hungover from overindulging at a wonderful party last night. The Fucking Cats are lying beside me, their little chins resting on my lap (a cute trick they learned at Kitty Finishing School) and their bodies are positioned in perfect alignment with a sunbeam. It's been a good day.

Earlier, while browsing at Sephora, I overheard a man with turquoise lipstick telling his co-workers by walkie talkie that the way to feel better when you're having a hard day is to lift your chin, which mysteriously rearranges your molecules and lifts your mood.

"I'm going to try that," I said, my head instinctively lifting. "The other benefit is that it eliminates my double chin."

"It works for that too," he said.

"Have you tried saying 'cheese' when you're sad? It's supposed to release serotonin and make you feel better."

"CHEEEEEESE," he said.

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE," I said. And then we both laughed.

"Hey, ladies," the man with turquoise lipstick said into his walkie talkie. "I want you all to say 'cheese!'"

A confused chorus of "cheese" sounded across Sephora, followed by peals of laughter.

"See?" I said. "It works." And then he gave me four lip gloss samples and disappeared like a magical turquoise lip gloss fairy.

I am amazed by how easy it is to be happy today, when there have been so many days this past year when I've had to force it or fake it or simply give in to feeling desolate and lost. Since my dad died last February, I've seen sublime happiness come in strange and unlikely forms - a man with turquoise lipstick, the pink pads of a paw, a homemade whisky sour. As Feist would say, I feel it all, I feel it all. My happiness is myopic, but I'm so grateful for it - and for you, sweet readers. I can hardly believe you are still with me, after I have given you so little in return.

These days, I'm focused on the optimistic task of planting bulbs and seeds and clearing out the balcony for spring. There is more winter ahead, but I can still pet my seedlings and dream of a summer filled with dahlias and zinnias and poppies and cosmos. After so much sadness here, I want to share whatever happiness I have with you, and hope it makes you happy, too.

Thursday, January 09, 2014

We're in the polar vortex this week, and last week we had a blizzard. I know I'm not supposed to talk about the weather, but you would've really liked this storm – you would've thrown on your loden coat, duck boots and tam o' shanter and jauntily stomped down the length of sixth avenue, your mustache collecting flurries. You would have said, "Football should always be played in the snow," and I'd have agreed, just to be sociable, just to make you forget that you spawned three children who don't give two hoots in hell about the New York Giants.

Almost everything makes me think of you, Dad. I'm trying hard to remember you as you really were, not as you were at the end, but sometimes, in a moment of happiness my mind conjures up those last hours after you died. It goes something like this:

Your profile, more beautiful than I had ever appreciated, growing sharp and waxen, the contours of your cheeks hollowing out.

Then, a film clip: my hands chasing the life fading from your body. Look – he's still warm. Here, feel.

Cue a voiceover: the unearthly sounds Mom made when we left her alone with you. Me covering my ears like a child.

I'm embarrassed to write this, Dad, because the world has a two-month tolerance for grief unless your entire family has been killed in a tsunami, in which case you get to feel like shit for all of eternity and eat Doritos in bed and no one can tell you to do Bikram yoga or move on.

I had to suppress the urge to call you today. For some reason, I needed to tell you how much I wanted to punch the Dalai Lama for making me feel like crap about my life, as though starting my day sardining into the A train with my nose lodged in someone's armpit isn't as bad (or as good) as escaping Chinese brutality and living in exile. It's the time of year when people start posting inspirational quotes from the Dalai Lama on Facebook, the kind of shit that makes me fly into an irrational and homicidal rage for highlighting how shallow and meaningless my existence is. I'd ask you if you thought this made me a negative person, someone whose natural optimism has been sucked away, as Mom recently noted in a concerned voice during a completely different expression of negativity. You'd probably agree with Mom because she's mostly, if not totally, right, and so I'd tell you that I'm going to work on that in 2014 – and then not really do it.

Is this what they call the Anger Stage? Maybe I need to meditate more, Dad, and by "more" I mean more than once for three minutes until I get bored. I feel rudderless without you. Our family is lost and at sea and I'm trying to navigate blindfolded, to hold the ship together as it breaks apart. You wouldn't be happy with the way things turned out after you died, how we've let the side down as a family. In your quiet way, you inspired us to be better than we actually were, because none of us could ever behave in a small way around you. If you were alive, I would never, for example, let on about the Dalai Lama, say "shit" in your presence or show you my blog, which is riddled with profanity, indignity, and personal failures. Instead, I'd try to impress you with my humanitarianism/noble bearing/awesome trapezius muscles. I'd tell you all about my garden design class and how proud I was of my final project, glossing over the fact that my presentation was autistic at best. And then I'd unroll the vellum to show you my drawing and you'd make me feel like a star. That was a privilege of being your daughter that I've now lost.

I've tried to follow your example – to love and protect Mom, to be her biggest fan, her defender, her constant companion, but I always fall short of my own expectations. The glaringly and gallingly simple fact is that I'm not you. I'm just your child - but not even that anymore, really. I'll never be able to fill the void you left for Mom. You'd think I'd realize that and quit trying to compensate for your absence, but I just can't seem to. I'll work on that in 2014, Dad. In the meantime, if you could just come back for 15 minutes, just to check in, it would really cheer Mom up. She misses you so terribly and I feel utterly helpless in the face of such fathomless heartache.

If I'm honest about what's gone down over the last 10 months since you died, I'd say that in addition to lacking a positive outlook, I'm well on my way to needing two airplane seats from freebasing stilton and pecan brittle to get through the holidays, and from several years of not really giving a shit about how I look. That's not entirely true - I like make-up and smearing expensive things on my face, but I can't seem to get behind the "sound mind, sound body" movement, or any movement that involves movement or acknowledgement that I have a body.

Dad, I need to meditate AND exercise AND stop eating crispy basil duck as though it's my job. Not necessarily go on a diet because that's antisocial and makes everyone else feel bad about themselves (that's the kind of humanitarian I am, Dad, always thinking of others), but just be more like you. You were always so balanced and even and disciplined and sure. I often wonder how I turned out to be so immoderate and muddled and unsure of everything. I said this to Mom the other day and she reassured me that your love and grace will give me strength and guide me in the right direction. I'm waiting for that, Dad, because I really need it.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

This picture is from the other side of a sharp dividing line that separates life with my dad and life without him. When I poured those three cups of tea, I was still buoyed by hope that I could get him to eat, that I could comfort him, that we would have beautiful moments together that would sustain me when he finally died.

It's hard to know exactly when the dying begins. I don't mean the incremental dying we do from the moment we're born – I mean the serious business of the spirit preparing to leave the body and all the focus and determination it requires. It sneaks up on you. You read it on the faces of friends – their astonishment at all the things you've dulled yourself to. Sometimes you dread their visits, the hushed conversations in the kitchen that force you say things you never imagined saying, things that leave you feeling bewildered and desolate.

Even when my father, lying in pain on the chaise, wished aloud that we could do for him what we did for our ancient, crippled dog, my mother and I couldn't fully accept the inevitability of his death. Instead, my mother stroked his hair and told him that a course of mild chemo would make him feel better, that he'd have some good days again.

"No," my father said. "I want to die." Later, when things got really bad and we moved him to a hospital bed that smelled of plastic, his impatience grew stronger. Launching himself over the edge of the mattress, he pleaded with us, with the gods, with nature. "I have to get out of here," he insisted. The spirit wanted out of the body, and there was nothing stopping it.

His oncologist concurred. My father lay on the stainless steel examining table wrapped in our coats, gray and shivering and small, while my mom and I took in the word "hospice." I hammered the doctor with questions to avoid seeing my mother's valiant, radiant face crumple. He asked if I was a nurse. In the midst of all the devastation, I remember a perverse moment of pleasure: Finally, recognition for my pretend internet medical training! And then: Why didn't he think I was a doctor?

My father became more animal than man. The pain of his back breaking vertebrae by vertebrae made him snarl like a wounded beast. He stopped reading, he stopped eating, he stopped communicating beyond basic commands. He shed his characteristic refinement and politesse, his shy affection, his insatiable curiosity, his endearing charm, his unwavering sense of propriety. He couldn't bear people - people who wanted to love him, feed him, comfort him. My brothers and I overwhelmed him with our tall, strapping bodies that brimmed with vitality and distracted him from his new purpose: to go ahead and get on with it.

I made myself small. At night, I camped out on the floor near his bed, resisting the urge to curl up on the corner of the mattress to be closer to him while he slept. My mother and I spent hours every day in an elaborate rearranging process, trying to make him comfortable. I wept in frustration at my clumsiness and ineptitude, my lack of physical strength. The failures mounted: I couldn't lift him, I couldn't get him to take his painkillers, I couldn't alleviate his constant anxiety, I couldn't convince him to eat or drink.

And yet I was one of the few people he could tolerate, the one who knew how to position the pillow, the one who discovered that foot massages were the purest form of relief. My heart swelled when he called for me, when he let me wash and shave and perfume him. These small victories filled me with a pride and purpose that had always eluded me.

The night before my dad died, my oldest brother convinced me to go home and get some badly needed sleep. When my dad noticed I was gone, he panicked. "How will I sleep tonight?" he fretted. I weep every time I think about this - not so much out of guilt for not being with him that night, but from the honor of knowing I was capable of giving him momentary peace. Peace was all I ever wanted for him – and what I hope for him now, on Father's Day.

Love you and miss you more than words can say, sweet Dad. Your memory is eternal.