3.12.2013

Bundled up in a heavy coat. Large purple sunglasses cover half my face. Turn to a friend to say goodbye, someone with whom I'd been having the kind of tense discussion that borders on angry because all other emotions are complicated and subtle and will only wash up on shore with a lower tide. We're at the subway entrance, rabbit hole of escape.

He says with a smile: "You are tough, aren't you?"

I do not know whether to laugh or cry. I haven't even done anything tough, that I can think of, quite the opposite. Perhaps putting on big sunglasses triggers tough. I can't respond.

Why does that line not exactly feel like a compliment? So for the next few days I think about this. Am I tough? Is that bad? Why does it feel bad? What's the opposite of tough? Is that what I want to be?

And is this an instance of Tiny Sexism rearing its head? Would a man call another man tough? Would a guy worry about being tough?

"Able to withstand great strain without tearing or breaking; strong and resilient." Check. Resilience: the key to life. A most important muscle that no one has yet pinpointed on the Anatomy Chart. Instead, we are left to our own devices to locate the resilience muscle, exercise, strengthen, stretch it.

"Not easily chewed." Check. Or spat out, I might add.

"Characterized by severity or uncompromising determination." Maybe Check? Sometimes. That Presbyterian upbringing, another man once told me. Your mother, said some other. How bossy you were, said my little sisters. How you learned to walk, said my dear father.

"Marked by absence of softness or sentimentality." Never, actually.

I would have said, had my wits not been scattered: "I'm not tough. I'm strong." Tough seemed bad, before I looked it up. Tough didn't exactly seem like a synonym for strong, when I looked up strong.

Strong:

"Having force of character, will, morality, or intelligence." Check.

"Capable of the effective exercise of authority." Check.

"Not easily captured or defeated." Check. My personal favorite.

I hereby officially and proudly own up to being tough. And strong. It isn't all I am, but it is part of who I have become. By necessity. And by choice. And so, you are so tough, aren't you?

You say that like its a bad thing. I should have said, Thank You. And will now.

I'm with Kellie Pickler: "There ain't nothin wrong with a woman that got a little backbone."

70 comments:

Sandi Rosner
said...

Thank you so much for this post. I was told once, when I was in my 30's, that I was a formidable woman. I stewed over that label for the longest time. Only as I entered my 50's did I decide to own just a part of the definition: "tending to inspire awe or wonder - impressive."

Since I have been called "tough" a few times I know just how you felt, like you had been insulted. While dealing with my husbands illness and all the medical stuff that went into it, I went head to head with a famous cardiologist, the nurses were aghast at my insolence in his presence, as patients were waiting for months for an appointment with him. He was full of himself and rude, I was distraught and tired. On a subsequent visit to him, he referred to me as "tough", in front of my son, I was mortified, but not missing a beat, my son replied "Yes, isn't she strong?" Its a moment I'll never forget, my husband sicker then anyone should be, grinning from ear to ear. The thing is though that I'm not tough, or strong, really, I mean, I just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking just like most folks. I wonder about your male friend, calling you tough, I tend to agree with you on your reaction, perhaps you were threatening the image that he wanted to have of you. Maybe its just mens speak, though, even "strong willed" would have sounded better!

My guess is it was a compliment or just a comment, not sexist and yes, guys say it to and about one another all the time. Good lord, you say something to a broad that you would say to a buddy and you are called sexist?! Now, that just ain't right!

without more context, it's hard to guess what he meant. but assuming it was relationship related, sounds like you were busy healing yourself before you walked away. sounds like you. the comment could be admiration, mixed with consternation...

In my experience when a guy says a woman is tough it's a sign of respect. I had a woman manager once and two of my co-workers were competent, older men with years of work experience. They would frequently comment that Judy was tough. What they meant by this was she wouldn't back down, wouldn't cave in, and wouldn't take anything from them. Once in awhile they'd say "Judy's in, her broom's in the corner", and we'd all laugh, but they respected her. They'd observe her, watch for a crack, but she never cracked. You didn't small talk with Judy, you kept it professional. She was a good boss. I respected her.

Whether he meant it as such or not, it was a compliment. Thank you for these last couple of posts. I need an occasional reminder that I am both tough and resilient. I'm afraid that women to need to keep their 'sexism' radar up, contrary to what William thinks. My guess is that because men like him and my lovely husband treat others well regardless of their sex and ethnic origins, he doesn't realize how many out in the world, particularly in the world of work, operate differently.

I also found the way you wrote this post rather thrilling. You told him off using just the facts, no insults.

you'd have to be blind not to see the sexism around us. honestly, sometimes i think we're going backward. i too was thrilled at dominique's thoughts and emotions duking it out -- was very happy with the outcome.

Why or how is exclaiming to a woman, "You are tough, aren't you?" being SEXIST??? Please explain. It seems we are reaching a point where anything anyone says is seen as sexist or racist or inappropriate or offensive in some way. Seth Macfarlane does a humorous song and dance number at the Academy Awards called "We Saw Your Boobs" and within seconds twitter and blogs light-up with cries of it being "sexist" "offensive" "inapporpriate'. I mean come on aren't we taking all this a little too far?

I think that depends on which side your on....the receiving side or the giving side. I really, really hate when someone says "don't be so sensitive, after they have insulted you blind in the face! For the record, I didn't see his remark as sexist, I mean he didn't say "your such a girl" or anything like that. He probably didn't mean it as an insult either, I'm sure by now, if he is privy to this website, he wishes he could take it back.

As for Seth Macfarlane rendition of "we saw your boobs", I heard it and have to say it kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

Okay, we can sugar coat it, say it was a compliment, yada, yada, yada. But truthfully, when you're a single woman making a life you love without a man, sometimes all you want is a strong shoulder to lean on. I'm strong, reliable, dependable, independent but oh truthfully I sometimes just want to be a girl - like a catered-to-girl. Strong/tough/independent women are freakishly judged by both genders - I like to think I'm so much more than just those particular adjectives - and hey, it's just like I don't know what I'm going to wear the next day until I check in with my mood in the morning - I'm the whole ball of wax, all of the time. I can be everything and anything - whoohoo. Tough doesn't even begin to define a woman - and after reading your posts for a year or so Dominique, I'd say you're a pretty wonderful kaleidoscope yourself. . .worth celebrating!

I would say that tone of voice and facial expression are what are missing in Dominique's narrative. Dominique did say, "someone with whom I'd been having the kind of tense discussion that borders on angry because all other emotions are complicated and subtle and will only wash up on shore with a lower tide". I would have to say the he friend did NOT mean it as a compliment. Sorry, William and other "you are being too sensitive" commenters, while you do seem wonderful on a regular basis, I think you are missing the point here. Back handed compliments are just that-back handed. Good on you, Dominique! "You say that like its a bad thing. I should have said, Thank You. And will now."

I think almost eveyone is overly sensitive now. A symptom of political correctness overload & the daily onslaught of moral, political, economic & environmental degradation. We feel rubbed the wrong way everytime we move... & feel rather helpless. I think this a great quote:

" you have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in yor life"~winston churchill( not saying that your friend is your enemy!) All the best.

Wonderful, timely conversation. When the young man auto salesman said that to me I took it as compliment, especially when he answered "tough but fair". In another context, from a man it could easily put me on the defensive.Are we sensitive, YOU BET WE ARE. Finally there are strides being made where the world is recognizing that half the population's intelligence, creativity and strength have been under utilized. To " you saw my boobs" maybe we need to yes, I have two of them " my grand Titons ". And, then remember that the Dalai Lama said " The world will be saved by Western Women"

Maybe people (commenters) are just trying to save this friendship for Dominique, they want her to give her friend the benefit of the doubt, so the friendship can flourish if possible. Hopefully while qualifying her feelings first and then opening other possibilities, she will see the cup half full/ instead of half empty. I've found that being absolutely right is not always the best thing for people, it can be isolating.

It's an interesting word - I don't think its meaning in conversation is ever as nuanced as your wonderful deconstruction. As a gay man, I have mostly negative associations with the word tough (as in 'not tough enough'). My partner and I attempt to put the word in its place by spelling it T-U-F-F (as in tuff as a Teddy bear). Strength and resilience, however, are two words we would never joke about.

william, seems you're a tad sensitive every time anyone here says anything about sexism. our commenting on sexism doesn't mean we think about/experience it all the time, but when we do experience it, we like to talk about it here. that's all.

the obvious displays of sexism we're saturated with by the media demean us as people. the song you refer to above is more of the same. it doesn't just demean women, it demeans men as well. if you don't believe there's sexism, turn your TV on any night of the week. there you will get a steady diet of women and young girls being kidnapped, raped, tortured and killed.

"You are tough, aren't you?" A simple phrase with a question mark... opening the way for your questions... for curiosity... inspiring me to ask myself, "What am I letting go of that doesn't really serve me anymore? For the sake of what? At the risk of what?" Thank you.

Possibly an interesting and valuable discussion to have with your friend starts with " What were you thinking in that moment when you suggested that I was tough?" Bring to that discussion your own conclusions but listen with an open ear and mind.

"You are so tough, aren't you?" ... I put myself into the scene, "...Bundled up in a heavy coat.... Large purple sunglasses cover half my face..." and what I hear is the other speaker feeling vulnerable, frustrated that he's not being allowed to get as close as he wants to be... A second guess might be that it's about having his way prevail.. In either case, he seems upset that you're not reading the lines his mind has written for you.

You had a recent post about relationships "coming to their natural resolution" or some similar phrase. This seems like a case of being at loggerheads because you can't agree to agree. Which can happen. At any rate, it gave you an opportunity to delve into toughness (and resilience, etc.), and to conclude that it's a good thing. As Dilsey said at the end of The Sound and the Fury, "They endured." What greater praise is there?

Holy cow could I have used this post when I was in my 20s-30s and had that word flung at me quite a lot because I stood up for my ideas. Wow. But I didn't and I have it now. Merci. And for opening up a fascinating dialogue as often happens here...

"You are so tough." That is what I said to my former college roommate when she told me her cancer was back. I meant that she was strong enough to withstand adverse conditions! It was difficult for her to give the devastating news. The conditions of those last few months of her life should not have to be withstood by anyone, but she endured and to the end she could laugh and be tough in the face of cancer.

I'm thinking that "tough" means different things to different people. In my personal experience, the use of that particular word by a straight male usually means that he is feeling "castrated" ... a strong verb for a man's ego that has just been subjugated by a woman. Again, the context is the determiner. But definitely sexist!

Dear Dominique, deep down inside you have a screen play lurking. I can see a scene taking place and the more interesting narrative being the back story spinning. Perhaps I have been to the old movies too much, you know the Bacall / Bogart era or perhaps I am pondering my own bad relationship endings when I lacked good dialogue, but this snippet felt like a doomed relationship popping like a bad zit. As much as I want my daughters to turn out like you, I still am reading heartbreak and lonely nights into this.

On a positive note I could see some young actress like Amy Adams pulling together a young DB dealing with publishers, your French mom (the comment about your hair in the hospital still resonates) and all the lousy people we encounter. Intentions are good. Endings are bad to miserable.

My adorable now 18 yo daughter just broke up with a nice kid, culturally challenged by being a half Japanese / half American / half Chinese / half Philipino kid living here far from his parents in Japan. We met separately to talk about stocks, economics, wood-splitting and bow-hinting but we eventually angled around to talk about her. "Look," I said. "They are a mystery. She was when she was young; she is now. I have no advice for you. They all are. My relationships have always ended badly or far worse."

We are all wired to work together and yet not work. That is what makes relationships interesting. That is what keeps us trying, wanting, moving outside our comfort zones. The women I have known have all been good people. Only God knows why we don't work together. I can continue to fool myself into thinking that my wonderful English setter is a suitable substitute, but deep down, I know that is all hog-wash.

One of my fabulous friends recently said, Why aren't we like moles? blind, the find a mate, and mate for life. Why, from an evolutionary point of view, are we wired to make such a complicated mess out of love, and partnership, and friendship, and all those wonderful things that make us human and that elude us all too often? I thought that was something to ponder. Why, indeed? Your daughters should have rich, ranging lives, Warren, and I'm sure they will. I have noticed that heartbreak and lonely nights seem to visit everyone, no matter what they are doing, why they are, and how they are living. So even the most loving daddy can't keep that from happening....

Just stumbled back in time to Joni Mitchell singing 'Court and Spark' and Hejira and who writes so well about all this mess of love and knots that linger like tsunami - trashed boats in our front yard. I want my girls to feel it all raw. .. sunsets, tears,moonlight, love, madness, sadness. But at least Shelby will make some chocolate and Laura will make pancakes and then their worlds will begin to mimic something vaguely familiar and safe like we have here. A safe rabbit hole.

I think the Great Cosmic Joker wired us to be different purely for her entertainment. I mean --- what joy does he/she/they get out of blind moles living SO predictable lives. "Let's liven things up dear, one said." And so we finding ourselves acting out those scenes of heartbreak and lonely nights // and fireworks and passion. I am as sure as the fact that the squirrel will be in the bird feeder in the morning that my DDs will love the wrong guys, take the wrong job, call me names in anger. And not loo soon after we will come together and understand,

The great opportunity for heart-break AND lasting love, joy AND misery. Sun rises and star light. Awe among the misery. That's what makes being human so wonderful. We are here to liven up the boring old universe. I mean come on, 'GRAVITY?' Higgs-Bosen particles?@! Dark matter?!@#

I am telling them stories of my mistakes. Of the effects of overwork on my body. Of times when I was not sufficiently respectful of a lover. I am trying to demystify the male animus. To let them know that sometimes all they do will not suffice. That sometimes men can be blind to a relationship and have eyes only for art (photography). Or we're too young. Or too horny. Or just too greedy and yes we can think of you as a possession to conquest.

But as we all know. It's their lives and they will have to go figure it all out. Meanwhile we wear sun glasses that half cover our faces (I am seeing you as Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany s...) They would look good on you D.

Have you noticed that it's SO tough in the heading and just tough in the recounting of the story? It could be a mistake but it could be that 'tough' sounds like 'so tough' to our female ears.All I could think when I read the story was that Dominique is truly amazing, tough or so tough or not tough at all....

Well, I think anybody who could pull off large purple sunglasses that cover half the face is pretty tough myself. When a man says a woman is tough, what he means is that he cannot articulate his thoughts in a persuasive manner.

William, what are doing here, this just does not come over well at all. Not appropriate and for the life of me i can't find the humor. Somehow (maybe my catholic upbringing) Pope Francis should be treated with great dignity and respect. I look forward to seeing more comments from you that are less controversial

Dominique is perfectly capable of saving or not saving her friendships all on her own. Sometimes the cup really is half empty and sometimes a person reaches the limit of giving the benefit of the doubt to toxic friends. The opposite is quite often true as well. Once again, Dominique is perfectly capable of making those determinations. As usual, Dominique gave us all food for thought and debate and I am grateful for it.

Oh, absolutely Dominique is very capable in making all her own decisions and has for most her adult life. but she did post this for reason, I would think she expects people to comment with their opinions on what they think. I did not get the impression that Dominique had consistent problems with this friend, as she stated she was taken by surprise, so I would not have considered him toxic. I was coming from the idea that it was a error on his part, or perhaps just frustration at his inability to get his point across to her. You are correct though, what I would want for her and what she wants for herself could very well be different.

Mia, stop!, I read your earlier reply about my comment being "inappropriate and offensive" (which you deleted) and you were absolutely correct with it!

I immediately tweeted an apology to the new Pope and his family and the Vatican and the Curia and the Cardinals and included anyone who found my comment to be sexist, ageist, racist, inappropriate, insensitive or offensive and threw the entire LGBTQ community in for good measure.

After I tweeted it I then re-tweeted it and then I copied and pasted it to my Facebook wall - but I didn't Myspace it because Myspace is totally lame.

I know I sounded like a total retard saying the Pope has a nice ass, but I thought it would be taken as a compliment.

Yes, I figured you did which is why, when I thought about it I deleted my comment. God knows I've said the wrong thing more then a few times in my life.....just ask my kids, their wife's, and my mother for starters. William, no matter what, you are a valued co-commenter here, so please don't feel bad.

Thanks Mia! I have been lurking in other blogspheres while Ms. Brown was neglecting her regular posts here (for good reasons I am sure). But none of the others can compare with the conversations that get going on this blog. Always a virtual party.

Yes I agree, we can really wind it up here on SlowLoveLife, that's for sure! I have been with this bog on and off for a few years, at first i must confess, I was anonymous as I as so challenged on blogs that I could not figure out how to register, then it all changed and I finally figured out how to register thru Discus. I remember being totally mesmerized by the intense political discussions! I missed it all when Dominique was so busy this past summer.

William and Mia: the "Guest" post with one dot (period) is mine. I posted a response to William which I thought was clever, but ten minutes later I thought it was sophomoric. So instead of deleting it, which doesn't delete it, it just keeps it and changes your name to Guest, I changed it first, by replacing what I had written with a dot(period), and then deleted it, which kept the dot(period) and changed my name to Guest. Next time I delete something, I'm going to use the word "Deleted" instead of the dot(period),

Some might notice all my past comments have been changed to "Guest" that is due to canceling out from Discus last night. Once you cancel your account everything stays but the name associated with the account becomes "Guest". Much like Facebook, I decided that Discus was getting too intrusive, not everybody needs to know what I am writing and doing every second of the day.

Thanks Darlene, I'm a bit upset by all of this and have decided to take break for a while. I canceled out of Discus (too intrusive and unyielding) not being able to delete a comment after it is written is too harsh. I cannot put my finger on it, but I'm not getting a good feeling here on SlowLoveLife. The good thing is I don't have too. Taking a break will be a good thing for me.

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