Why Cuddling Is Better Than Sex

— July 24, 2015

Through all of my mis-adventures with internet dating, I have learned
that a vast majority of women love to cuddle. It’s like a litmus test
women like to throw out there to see if it sends men running. For the
record, I love cuddling. I have and continue to cuddle the shit out of
some girls. That being said, the idea of cuddling a stranger is utterly
repulsive to me – and only now do I realize why.
Years ago, I met a woman online and an hour later I was banging her. I
believe I wrote about this in my book 4 AM Friends. She was just
another one-night stand in an embarrassingly long line of names but
what I learned that day is, the idea of cuddling someone who doesn’t
deserve it feels shitty. I suppose I can equate it to how vanilla people
feel when they wake up next to a stranger and run home to scrub
themselves extra hard in the shower while desperately attempting to
cry away the shame. Yeah, something along those lines. See, I had zero
issue with banging some random up against a dumpster and never
getting a name but cuddling her – fucking ick.
So when I arrived she was a fucking mess but had awesome boobs. We
banged and it was completely common and average and then she got
really pissed when I came on her face. Don’t judge me. I thought she
said “Okay” when I told her it was coming. Apparently, it was more of
a, “Huh?” (I may or may not be laughing my dick off writing this, and
yes, I know there is a warm spot in hell for Chris right now) Either
way, in order to make up for my rudeness she told me to cuddle her. I
was completely opposed to this since all I wanted to do was GTFO but
I felt slightly remorseful and told her I would give her 10 minutes. I
threw my arm around her and curled up my nose from the smell of the
alcohol coming from her mouth. It only took her a few minutes before
she fell asleep and I kept looking at the clock and out the window. That
one felt dirty. Not because she was drunk while the sun was still up or
that I fucked her knowing that she was using me to fill a void or that I
would never see her again – I felt dirty because I only cuddled the ones
that deserved it. And like anything in life, you don’t DESERVE
anything – you EARN things. And people I cuddle earn it by an even
exchange of emotions. Respect and trust. A deeper level of connection;
one built upon vulnerability and honesty.
Sure, she may have been one of the greatest women I had ever banged,
but I wouldn’t know. She didn’t want to tell me and at that point, I
didn’t want to know. Maybe down the line I would have learned that
but an hour of online chatting and 20 minutes of mediocre sex surely
wasn’t going to earn either of us anything.
Looking back on it now I guess she just wanted to feel something. She
enthusiastically offered up sex in exchange for 10 minutes of cuddling.
10 minutes of feeling like someone cared about her. And that is what
she got, 10 minutes to the second. I pulled away, quietly put on my
clothes and snuck out the front door of her apartment.
I think about that day on occasion. I have always wondered why that
story out of the many identical stories sticks out and I realized that I
sold out. I sacrificed what I held important. In a life where I respect
very little, the things I hold in high regard are few and far between and
that day, I gave up and gave in. I let her have something she didn’t
deserve and she trusted me with something I didn’t earn.
Sex is just sex. Practically exclusively for fun, mostly selfish, and on
rare occasion to demonstrate love. All of these born-again virgins and
idealists hold sex up to an unrealistic level. It is a natural desire and
putting it on a pedestal is like asking your teacher for a gold star
because you held in your pee all day. Sure, I might not hold sex in
much regard, but what I realized is that I will never cuddle someone
who doesn’t deserve it and I certainly will not cuddle someone that I
haven’t earned the right. I will never ask for the right to cuddle
someone whose trust I haven’t earned,

About author

Christopher Gutierrez is the author of several books on love, sex, and relationships. He also hosts a weekly podcast, The Deep End, in addition to running Deadxstop Publishing. Since 2006, he has given hundreds of speakings at colleges, coffee houses and universities all over the world.