One of the things I’ve learned about over the years is how difficult it is for me to access my own anger. Sure, I’ll get angry at my husband because he piled all his stuff on the counter in the kitchen or angry with my son because he spilled sauce on the sofa – but that’s not really the kind of anger I’m talking about here.

The anger I’m referring to is that anger that says, “You’ve violated my boundaries!” Whether those boundaries are a friend talking about your personal life outside of your friendship or a family member giving you unsolicited advice… it doesn’t matter. This is the type of anger that many people have trouble accessing.

Often, instead of accessing (and feeling) that anger, people will come up with other behaviors (my first book Soul Contracts refers to these as… yes… Soul Contracts and my second book Animal Lessons refers to these as workarounds). Whatever you want to call them, our minds, bodies, and energy can get very good at hiding our anger – even from ourselves – if we never felt safe to express it early on in our lives.

I fall into this category as well. I didn’t have a safe way to express my anger over my boundaries being violated so I hid the anger inside my body. It’s actually become an energy stored in my body – and I know exactly where.

When my boundaries are violated, I get these weird feeling on the right top side of my head – it’s a tingle and I’ve learned to recognize that my “anger” is activated. I’ve had to learn that that’s a sign that I am angry – and now that I know this, I’m able to stop for a moment and allow myself to feel that anger.

Interestingly, acknowledging my anger puts me into my power. It allows me to understand myself and what is going on within me.

This doesn’t mean that I now have to “mix” the anger with my inner power – but just noticing that my anger is there helps me to regulate and understand and put forth my power. Very different from bringing the anger INTO my power (which is the only way I had power put upon me as I was growing up).

What does all this mean? It means that one of the best ways to become powerful within is to acknowledge what is really going on within. When I couldn’t acknowledge that I felt that a boundary was being crossed, I couldn’t be honest with myself and therefore I couldn’t be honest with the world around me. As I’m learning that certain things DO make me angry, my awareness of myself and the “why’s” behind who I am is growing. It’s allowing me to have full access to all of my parts, finally, after so many years!

And in discovering this, I’m finding that there is more ME to bring into my relationships, there is more ME to access and enjoy within – and on the outside.

Perhaps you have anger within that you’re not allowing yourself to access either? The way I found mine is that I started paying attention to my body. In certain situations, I noticed that I always felt the same thing in my head – that tingle. As I paid more attention, I was able to find that pattern – it was whenever I felt truly wronged.

Is there something within your body that you feel at times? Could paying attention to this start you on the same path of self-discovery?

I had a big problem with boundaries and anger through most of my 20’s. I read a book called “the Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., that really help me to pull back the curtain and understand what was going on. It helped me to learn how to have healthy boundaries and to see anger as “usable energy” to make whatever changes my anger was signaling needed to be made. I highly recommend it!