Transgender lives from an African perspective

12 Things You DON’T SAY To Transgender Women

1. When did you decide to become a girl? To change your sex? I NEVER decided to become a girl. We don’t decide to become girls. We just are. Born this way. I did decide to transition though. Because I couldn’t continue living as ‘male’ – as a façade, as a fake.

So don’t ask this or say this to a transwoman. Gender identity is not a choice,transitioning is a choice.

2. Do you still have your d!ck?

Oh my god this is absolutely offensive! Who asks such a question? How would you feel if I suddenly started asking about your genitals? “How big is your penis?” “Are you circumcised?” “How small is your clitoris?”

I mean, I’d never answer this question to someone I’ve just met. Even someone who is a close friend. I’d slap the bejesus out of them!

The only time I’d answer (a rephrased version of) this question is if the person asking is someone I intend to get intimate with. Period.

3. So are you really a woman?

This implies that I am a fake woman. A constructed one. That the fact that I have a past where I lived as male, doesn’t make me any less of a woman. It is offensive.

What’s a “real” woman anyway?

4. So what’s your REAL name? What’s your old name? Heck no! I am not answering that question! First of all, one needs to keep in mind that I lived a whole two decades as the gender I wasn’t. And I didn’t know what to do. It was devastating. So why would you want to remind me of a past that I’d rather keep under lock and key at the very back of my mind’s archives?

5. Do refer to my past in my current gender pronouns! Yes, I know you know me from before I transitioned. I respect that. But you should must respect me too! I am female. Whether before, during or after. I still remain female. Forget that I lived as ‘male’ and hence was referred to as one. I am female – in this time. So use the proper pronouns even when referring to my past.

6. Don’t ‘out’ me without my consent!

Yes we know each other and yes this friend of yours is a really nice person. But NO. Heck no! Don’t out me without my consent. It doesn’t matter if your friend is Dalai Lama! My gender is my gender. My medical history is mine! Respect that!

7. I like trannies! I know a lot of trannies! Ugh!! First of all, the word tranny/trannies is downright offensive and hateful!! Yes, I know they’ve used it a lot in pop culture, the media and especially so in PORN. But don’t you DARE call me a tranny or refer to my trans family as ‘trannies’!

Also, liking trans people doesn’t automatically make you the gold medalist in the race for trans rights! Often, such “likes” tend to be borderline offensive and severely fetishistic.

8. You don’t have any masculine features! You pass very well. Aaaw! Thank you! But you know what? This really just says to me that you don’t view me as actually female. You just see me as trying to be something I’m not, and doing it well. Some transfolk take this ‘passing’ thing as a very important thing. For us, passing validates us. It makes us feel like everyone else. And it also assures us that we won’t get any discrimination based on our gender presentation – a thing we fear. But for you to say that to us, well, it isn’t right.

Instead, say“You look really nice/pretty/handsome/beautiful/etc”

9. How do you have sex? Who do you have sex with?
The only way I’d answer this is if we’ve been dating and we’ve gotten to that point where intimacy is being discussed. Otherwise I ain’t telling you nuthin! Go watch a porno and learn the various sex styles out there!

10. I can still see the man in you. You’d only say this to me if deep inside you really don’t like me and/or don’t respect my gender. Really. That’s just hateful.

11. I know what its like because I’m gay.
Hell no! Being gay has got ZERO to do with being a transwoman. Do (cis)gay people transition? Do they have memories of them crying in bed begging God to choose for them a side between male or female? Do they look at their genitals and wish it would just disappear?

I didn’t think so!

12. I’m not gay, but I really like trannies.

So? Are you trying to imply that liking me (in a sexual manner) makes you gay? So you really don’t acknowledge that I am a woman right? You simply don’t believe that I am really a woman, right?