Rick Hill is the Valero Alamo Bowl’s VP of Marketing and Communications. Prior to the bowl, Rick spent 6 years working for the Spurs, one season with Missions Baseball and two fruitless months trying to sell season tickets for the S.A. Riders.

Note: This is an mySA.com City Brights Blog. These blogs are not written or edited by mySA or the San Antonio Express-News. The authors are solely responsible for the content.

Spending The Night With Chelsea Handler

Saturday, October 16 has been the circle-the-date-on-the-calendar game for the Nebraska Cornhuskers since the referee added time back onto the clock allowing Texas to kick a game-winning field goal in last year’s Dr Pepper Big 12 Championship.

For me, the date I had circled on my calendar for an equally long time was last Friday, October 1-the night my college buddy Josh Wolf came to town and opened for one of my favorite comedians, Chelsea Handler.

I “interviewed” Josh for my blog last week and he confessed to being “a sports geek, so any peek into that world is cool.” Conversely, my time at the Spurs and Valero Alamo Bowl has allowed me to meet numerous sports stars but very few Hollywood celebrities (unless you count Screech from Saved The Bell who I met during a 1996 NBA All-Star Game party in San Antonio).

Josh told me his immediate goal was to throw out the first pitch at Fenway Park. Mine was to meet Chelsea. I don’t want to call out scoreboard on him, but here’s a rundown of how I achieved my mission last Friday.

12:03 p.m CST: I use my lunch break to pick up a wristband for the 5 p.m. book signing Chelsea is doing at Borders.

12:14: Belvedere Vodka is sponsoring Chelsea’s tour so I buy a bottle in case the opportunity for her to sign it presents itself.

12:22: Typically, I only get my car washed twice a year. But there is no line at The Wash Tub and I want my car ready in case Chelsea’s limo breaks down and she needs a ride.

12:38: To look my best for Chelsea, I swing by Supercuts. I had taken advantage of their policy to honor competitors’ coupons by printing a $3 discount I found from a place called the Static Hair Salon in Lawrence, Kansas.

12:40: After a brief wait at Supercuts, I walk to the chair and spy a sign that says the offer only applies to San Antonio competitors. When my stylist turns turns her back, I lift up the smock (yes, I had to call to get its official name) and take the coupon out of my pocket. I then try to tear the paper so the location isn’t mentioned.

Since the smock flies up with every movement, it looks like I’m working out with a Shake Weight as I struggle to rip the coupon along all the four edges. The stylist completes the cut, takes my edited coupon and I’m on my way back to work.

1:12: When I sit down at my desk, a scary reality hits me. Although I had purchased a block of tickets when the show first went on sale, I had sold them to friends thinking some better ones would come my way. That didn’t happen and the show was now soldout as not even single seats were available for purchase on Ticketmaster.com.

On the secondary market, there were only six pairs listed for an average of $250 a piece (or about four times the original face value). Panicking, I post a WTB (want to buy) notice on Craigslist and email a ticket broker trying to find someone who will sell me last minute tickets. (There’s a good lesson here for people waiting to buy Valero Alamo Bowl tickets as lower level tickets are still available.)

2:58: Swing and a miss on all my efforts to come up with tickets so I jump on Ticketmaster one last time trying to avoid having to scrounge for tickets from scalpers in front of the venue. Score. A pair of tickets pop up on my screen and I purchase the ducats while pumping my fist like “The Situation” and dancing around the office like Willie Wonka’s Grandpa Joe singing “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket.”

4:50: I leave work and drive to Chelsea’s book signing and pull into the Borders’ parking lot 15 minutes later. I change out of my work clothes and into my Going Out shirt and throw the bottle of vodka into a Big Ten Conference sling bag I borrowed from the office.

5:13 I’m the last gold wristband in line, but that’s not a bad thing. Gold ones are guaranteed an autograph while the colors behind me only get their books signed if time allows. Since I’m less than 30 minutes away from meeting Chelsea, I start racking my brain on what I should say to her. I sent an email to Josh to see if there is something funny he’d recommend.

5:21: Waves of Borders’ employees walk the lines shouting, “Books only, books only! No photos. Everyone in line needs to put their cameras away to keep the lines moving.”

5:25: I focus my attention foward and start bonding with my fellow gold wristbanders. The guy two places in front of me said he follows Josh on Twitter and Josh once tweeted back “Funny.” To which I responded, “Cool.” He said he hasn’t got Chelsea to respond to his tweets yet but her dog Chunk has and “everyone knows that is really Chelsea.”

5:27: Josh hasn’t emailed back so I text some friends asking what I should say to Chelsea. One buddy said I should tell her I’m the only straight guy here who got his hair done for her. Another offers to bring by a $9 plastic jug of Skol Vodka just to see the look on her face when she’s asked to sign it. A third friend says part of her act makes fun of the messed up names she gets asked to sign so I should come up with something crazy.

5:29: Chelsea’s handlers (get it?) must have given word to Team Borders that she’s running out of gas and they start preparing the people behind me they might not get to meet her. Thus, I debate leaving the vodka in the sling bag as getting Chelsea to sign it would slow down the line.

5:31: Josh emails back to say the guy filming Chelsea’s documentary has bad breath so if I bring that up she’ll know I’m buddies with Josh.

5:34: I’m impressed that Chelsea is making eye contact and smiling to each of three people in front of me so I decide I will take out the Belvedere.

5:35: I ask Chelsea if she’ll autograph the bottle instead of my book (a fair trade that wouldn’t slow down the line) but she says she’ll sign both. I tell her Josh’s comment about her camera man and she turns her head quizzically and then chuckles like she gets the reference just as I’m pushed past her signing table.

5:35:22: I stay at the end of the line so I can watch everyone’s reaction after they meet her. Three out of every four are dancing and shaking their arms like they’ve been passed through to the next round of American Idol. Some of the comments I overheard: “She was so nice”, “I told her she rocked the VMAs and she told me “Thanks, girl” and “I didn’t even know what to say. She’s so pretty.”

5:41: A girl in her early 20′s ran to her friends yelling “Oh my God, Oh my God, she wished me Happy Birthday. Chelsea wished me Happy Birthday. This is my best birthday ever.” Exciting stuff but I’m pretty sure Chelsea wished you Happy Birthday because you told her it was your birthday.

5:45: It’s go time for the 15 Borders employees working the autograph signing. They all huddle up wearing their Secret Service style earpieces to have their final briefing on how they are going to get her back to her limo. It’s borderline amazing to listen to them discuss the 100-yard walk from the second floor children’s book section to the front door like they are extricating her from a terrorist cell who has held her prisioner.

5:49: Yellow caution tape goes up, fans are moved to the west side of the aisle and a manager yells into his headset that no one is allowed up or down the stairs or elevator for the next 10 minutes. An older gentleman who is definitely not at Borders to meet Chelsea is pushed into the research section and says to no one in particular: “Guess I picked the wrong time to buy a book.”

5:51: After signing for 99% of the people waiting, Chelsea thanks everyone for their support and gets a huge applause from her fans. She’s then whisked to the elevator by a team of security and Borders employees yelling “She’s coming through, coming through. Everyone step back.”

5:57: While I struggle to understand why the elevator was chosen over the 28 step walk down one flight of stairs, I walk into a less-than-pleasant exchange. Apparently, the boyfriend had accidentally set their camera to “smile mode” and since no smile was detected the camera didn’t take the picture. His girlfriend berates him, “What do you mean you didn’t get her picture? You’re such an idiot.”

5:58: I leave Borders with a signed book and a bottle of Belvedere thinking like most everyone else there that is was a well-spent hour.

7:42: After dinner, I head to Municipal Auditorium with my girlfriend and her posse of Chelsea-loving friends. Since I hadn’t been to Municipal since I helped arrange a Sean Elliott appearance at a Colin Powell fundraiser there in the mid-1990s, I arrive early. Chelsea is known for being very direct but also very accepting of everyone so the people-watching alone was worth the ticket price.

8:22: Josh has the audience laughing from the word go. His material about dealing with his two teenage kids when he himself is so young is hilarious.

8:35: Josh tops the parenting stories by showing a suprisingly good voice with some creative edits to popular songs.

8:51: I think I’m the only one thankful Josh ends his set. But that’s only because the heavy-set lady in front of me was laughing so hard she kept rocking back and forth cracking her chair back into my knees non-stop.

9:01: Following a video montage from her hit show, Chelsea comes to the stage with a flash of cameras that rivals tip-off at the 2008 Final Four.

9:27: Just like her books, Chelsea is at her best riffing about her relationships. She says toward the end of her four-year relationship with E! President (and her boss) Ted Harbert told her she didn’t have to drink so much to have a good time. Her retort: “Actually I’m drinking so you are more fun”.

9:42: After seeing last year how she can shoot her entire TV show in one take, I knew she was amazingly quick witted. This comes into play when a girl in the crowd yells out “Read my sign” (which ironically I had taken a picture of before the show). Chelsea responded “Do you think people paid money to hear me talking to you? Sit down.”

9:59: Chelsea ends her show and then makes her way to the lobby for another book signing.

I’ve been told more times than I care to remember that I’m better in small doses until you get to know me. I enjoyed my 22 seconds with Chelsea so I decided not to push my luck and get back in line to meet her again. I’m not sure if she’ll be in San Antonio again soon, but thanks to the bowl’s new affiliation with the Pac-10 Conference I should have a reason to be in Los Angeles this season. In the meantime, I have a new book to read and a bottle of vodka to drink.

Rick Hill

2 Responses

Fabulosa story once again, Mr. Rick Hill. I wish I had had a gold band instead of the white one. I’m jealous of your time with Ms. Handler. I would have loved to hear her undress the poster lady whose judgement may have been afftected by getting her hair bleached one too many times.