April 2013

This coffee has been roasted so lightly and the beans are so light beige that they look like fossilised remains swept up from the floor of Starbuck’s Pompeii branch. Each bean has a lot of “chaff” in the middle too – after we’d ground them we had to put them through a bloody threshing machine. This is not a strong coffee – and you can’t overdo it either. We really spooned this up to the max. it’s a really fruity little coffee – not what we were expecting from a Caribbean coffee at all. It could easily be mistaken for a top-notch Kenyan. Packed full of flavour and with a nice creamy head on it – this really is a good 'un. I can only give it an 8/10 though as it just lacked punch for me. But I still loved it. What am I saying? Scrap that…it’s a 9/10.

This coffee is the El Cheapo of the Ginerva range, and it's 100% Robusta. That sounds like a bloody terrible combination and your coffee gagging reflex should be preparing itself for the worst. The beans are small and dark - and there's not much more you can say about them than that. After grinding, you'll be struggling with what looks like a thick, black, tarry mess all over your plunger - and i don't like anything messing up my plunger. It's not even giving off a good smell - no one will be rushing in to the kitchen telling you how good it smells brewing up. So far, so bad. Until... you get this stuff down your gullet and you quickly realise that this one is a dark horse. It's a right little cracker. Yes - you have to like your strong coffees to appeciate it and want to be slapped around by those dinky Robusta beans. But at only a tenner for a 1kg pack this is such good value - just get yourself some, and mainline it. Now. They've rated this at strength four and a half - which is a new one on us. It's a an 8/10 from me - and I've only docked it as it brews up so un appetisingly. Just don't show your guests the mess and you can be a cheapskate coffee hero.

Not renowned for it's coffee, we were a bit nervous with this one. It even comes from a tea producing region of China. Maybe these are just counterfeit tea leaves? The beans, it has to be said, look horrific. They are small, beige and dusty. They look like little bits of old chocolate that have gone white with age as they've been left in the corner shop window too long. There's no great smell when you make it either - you're just dealing with some plain, brown powder that could be anything. But in the cup it's actually ok. It won't set the world alight, but it does the job quite nicely. It's a niche coffee really - it's uniqueness is merely that is is Chinese - which actually is more uniqueness than some of the bland shite we've tasted. The nuttyness is there though - my first thought was chocolate, then chicory, then hazelnuts. None of which should be in my coffee, they should be in a box of Thorntons. 7/10 from Judge Nooge.

Coffee from Australia? You’ve got to be joking mate! Well… apparently not, and this is the evidence. Now you may normally associate North Queensland with drinking gay halves of weak lager in a rowdy pub, getting shit faced on just three of them, pogo-ing around to the strains of Gone Daddy Gone and the Hoodoo Gurus and finishing up with a right good old punch up with your mate. And his girl friend. Still – this is the morning after antidote. For a country so ill-famed for coffee this stuff is alright and worth it for the novelty value alone. The beans are dry and only slightly oily, but give off a nice coffee smell – there’s not even a hint of stale Fosters. We couldn’t taste the chocolate, thank God. We probably wouldn't bother with this again - but it was fun while it lasted, so it scores 6/10

Here at Judge Central we do like a nice Tanzanian and the higher it's grown, the better. And you don’t get much higher than Kilimanjaro. This batch must have had Chris Moyle’s large frame stomping all over them as the beans are small. They’re also pale and dusty, but after a good grinding the smell kicks out and you’ll be getting a citrus waft so familiar for coffees from this region. In our French press this really foamed up and kept its head even through pouring. It just looks very damn appetising. Plus it has the taste we wanted: citrus, lemon, flowery… whatever you want to call it. It’s different, quirky and good. The light roast also means you can’t cock it up. Your hands could be shaking more violently then the day after a week’s bender with Oliver Reed and you’ll still get a great cup. The only downside for us was as we like our coffee strong, we had to use a shovel when loading the grinder, which meant this packet didn’t go very far. 6 cups I ask you! So it’s an 8/10

As gimmicks go, this is the pinnacle. A coffee with beans twice as strong as any other. The world's strongest coffee. This is the kind of challenge that gets the Judge's gavels quivering. Having read the article in The Metro, people were asking us if we'd tried it. We hadn't, so got some sent over faster than Pete Doherty on his way to the all night garage to pick up a packet of Kingsize. It arrived in a Jiffy Bag and started to emit its potent hard core coffee smell all over the house. Now, bearing in mind this is whole bean coffee, that's potent, and the Judge is starting to think that we're going to need a Geiger counter and some lead mugs. Despite the slightly cheesy skull motif, the packaging of the coffee is actually uber luxury. A big, heavy bag with a nice little metal reseal clip that will do for a nipple clamp after you've finished your Shades of Grey. When you get a look at the beans you are going to be struck by how massive they are - they're f*cking enourmous and highly polished - just look at them!. Akin to the gonads you're going to need if you want to take this bad boy on. Rather than pussy-out, we made it up at our usual testing strength - six spoons for three cups. At this point, the smell took a turn for the worse - sinking into cigar filled ash tray territory. But hang on - keep the faith. Some coffees that smell like that, taste like that. But the Deathwish Coffee held its own and taste wise was actually pretty damn mellow. It certainly didn't punch us in the face or throat. It just went down, quicker than Monica Lewinsky the day after Lent. That's not saying we didn't realise that this thing is strong - strong enough to take on Geoff Capes before he took to budgerigar fancying - but it hides it well. It's right up there with the Hot Lava Java and Lavazza Espresso. It's easy to make too - we've done a few and varied it a bit, and they're still making us smile. So if you like your strong coffee, you've got to do it and be the talk of your office with its crazy packaging and outrageously strong smell. It's fun. It's nice. Only one point off the hallowed ten - and only because ordering my coffee from the USA just 'aint convenient. It's a 9/10.