"Abide With Me"

I may or may not go into actual mediation work, but I seem to be making a habit of playing counselor (more of the listener role than the advisor role, I think, though definitely the latter quite a bit particularly recently). Which is not a new thing, though I feel like it ebbs and flows. My very first year in college I stayed up late on AIM many nights with friends in crisis, and that's always what I think of when this comes up, but truly it's something I've done a lot.

CAUMC-Meredith has said, more than once, in Affirmations that I'm a really comfortable presence to be around, which is a descriptor I still haven't entirely internalized.

I think that "never-ending list of things to be concerned about" is part of your maturity. You actually notice, and are concerned, and that's a good sign. Makes your mother-wolf's heart warm.

While I know this -- that being aware of and attentive to stuff outside yourself is part of being a grownup -- I don't think I'd thought to connect it to the idea of "maturity" per se.

***

She emailed me about my "how do pastors do it?" and in part talked about Linnea's work as a hospital chaplain.

She had very clear boundaries. She was totally present in the moment, and somehow learned to let it go when she wasn't. I learned that when I worked on a hotline in high school. But sometimes, all your training and defenses aren't enough and you still get creamed.

I tend to think that is the cost of loving. But I also think it's sacred ground. When I am "watching one hour" (ref: Jesus in the garden with the disciples), I feel closest to my core reason for being here.

Your people are blessed to have you there to lean on.

That's intense -- the idea of this being sacred ground. It reminded me that one of the things I learned* in 2008 [which didn't even occur to me to put in my year in review, 'cause I didn't think of it until I read my mom's email] is an appreciation of the value of trust -- of what a big deal it is (can be) for people to trust you with things, and more about how to honor that trust.

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* Along the way I repeatedly hurt someone I care very much about, and at one point thought I'd irreparably damaged our relationship, but we're actually good now -- for which I am ever grateful. I was responding to an email earlier today, alluding to something from March, and I grokked the other party's stance in a way that I really hadn't before. Which was good -- except that then I felt bad about how I'd behaved in that interaction, as opposed to feeling defensive like I had at the time, which while not a positive feeling either is less of a downer. But really the distance and the growth is good. (Patience is HARD, but I can now actually say that I really understand that sometimes you just have to let go of things -- though I think there's a lot of grace involved in having the ability to let go of things.) I'm not obsessively dwelling anymore (shuddup), and I really have let go of a lot of the sort of unresolved stuff. I'm more zen about the fact that it was a weird and difficult and problematic relationship and we both handled it poorly in a lot of ways and that's over and we are where we are now ... and am less invested in delineating blame.

hour follows hourlike water follows watereverything is governed by the ruleof one thing leads to anotheryou can't really place blamecuz blame is much too messysome was bound to get on you while you were trying to put it on meand don't fool yourself into thinking things are simplenobody's lying still the stories don't line upwhy do you try to hold on to what you'll never get a hold onyou wouldn't try to put the oceanin a paper cup[...]and maybe the most we can dois just to see each other through ithour follows hour like water in a riverand from one to the nextwe don't know what each hour will deliverwe just call it like we see itcall it out loud as we canand then afterwards we call it all water over the dammaybe the moral higher groundain't as high as it seems maybe we are both good people done some bad thingsi just hope it was okayi know it wasn't perfecti hope in the end we can laugh and say it was all worth it[...]and maybe the most that we can dois just to see each other through itwe make our own gravity to give weight to thingsthen things fall and they break and gravity singswe can only hold so much is what i figuretry and keep our eye on the big picturepicture keeps getting biggerand too much is how i love youbut too well is how i know youand i've got nothing to prove this timejust something to show youi guess i just wanted you to seethat it was all worth it to me