Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You are the road I never chose to travel. A choice I did not make. An illness deep and dark like the ocean and I am so very lost in it.

You have stolen from me my time, happiness, clarity, emotions, zest for life, love of other people, desire, and so much more.

I never thought it would come to this but I recently spent time in the hospital fighting you and your terrible disease. This was a first for me to be hospitalized because of you. I have now been privy to the damage you can to do my peers and their lives. I met a lot of very interesting, intelligent people. People who did not meet the stereotype of what I guess I saw as someone with a mental illness. They were people like me who were living life until depression dragged them down and also stole everything from them. I met financial planners, managers, construction workers, music therapists, teachers and more. People who are in no way weak, or without resources.

I was a lifeguard in high school. When I took the training course to be certified, one of the things we practiced doing was jumping off the high dive fully clothed and then attempting to save a drowning person. We were instructed to first take off our shoes and then as much clothing as possible so as to not be weighed down by them. We then met up with a very scared, combative swimmer who was simulating a drowning person. They scratched at us, they pulled us under and they flailed their arms all around. It was my job to ensure that the person made it to safety.

Depression, you are the person in that story who was failing and kicking and biting doing everything in your power to bring me down in an effort to make it to the top yourself. I'm the exhausted rescuer. Statistics show that sometimes the rescuer can become the victim.

I refuse to let you win, exhausted as I am.

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent and severe. When I saw that my doctor had written those words on my chart, I realized just how serious my illness is.

Depression, you are scary and unfair and relentless. But you do not define who I am! This is what defines me:

I love to laugh, love to act a little silly now and then. I love dancing and hope to take ance lessons with Kevin one day so I can dance beautifully when we go to Italy! I believe God has given me the gift of compassion. I enjoy traveling, especially to the beach. I love to be carried away into another time and place through a good book. I love people, they are an essential part of my life. I love to express myself through writing. I love decorating, iced tea, good food, jewelry, shoes, chocolate and parties. I love to help other people. I love Music. My friends and my family make me happy, although thanks to you depression, I am learning that perhaps I don't truly understand what it really feels like to be happy.

That's strange isn't it? Here I am a woman who has known the love of Jesus my entire life and yet I have major depression. Many Christians would say that if I were stronger in my faith, or if I prayed more or read my Bible more I wouldn't be depressed. That is the saddest thing you can tell me. Just like Cancer is not caused by God, neither is depression. It's a medical condition. You are not welcome in my life and my body. GINA

What is Depression?

"Depression is a "whole-body" illness, involving your body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression.

The symptoms of depression may vary from person to person, and also depend on the severity of the depression. Depression causes changes in thinking, feeling, behavior, and physical well-being.

Changes in Thinking - You may experience problems with concentration and decision making. Some people report difficulty with short term memory, forgetting things all the time. Negative thoughts and thinking are characteristic of depression. Pessimism, poor self-esteem, excessive guilt, and self-criticism are all common. Some people have self-destructive thoughts during a more serious depression.
Changes in Feelings - You may feel sad for no reason at all. Some people report that they no longer enjoy activities that they once found pleasurable. You might lack motivation, and become more apathetic. You might feel "slowed down" and tired all the time. Sometimes irritability is a problem, and you may have more difficulty controlling your temper. In the extreme, depression is characterized by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
Changes in Behavior - Changes in behavior during depression are reflective of the negative emotions being experienced. You might act more apathetic, because that's how you feel. Some people do not feel comfortable with other people, so social withdrawal is common. You may experience a dramatic change in appetite, either eating more or less. Because of the chronic sadness, excessive crying is common. Some people complain about everything, and act out their anger with temper outbursts. Sexual desire may disappear, resulting in lack of sexual activity. In the extreme, people may neglect their personal appearance, even neglecting basic hygiene. Needless to say, someone who is this depressed does not do very much, so work productivity and household responsibilities suffer. Some people even have trouble getting out of bed.
Changes in Physical Well-being - We already talked about the negative emotional feelings experienced during depression, but these are coupled with negative physical emotions as well. Chronic fatigue, despite spending more time sleeping, is common. Some people can't sleep, or don't sleep soundly. These individuals lay awake for hours, or awaken many times during the night, and stare at the ceiling. Others sleep many hours, even most of the day, although they still feel tired. Many people lose their appetite, feel slowed down by depression, and complain of many aches and pains. Others are restless, and can't sit still.
Now imagine these symptoms lasting for weeks or even months. Imagine feeling this way almost all of the time. Depression is present if you experience many of these symptoms for at least several weeks. Of course, it's not a good idea to diagnose yourself. If you think that you might be depressed, see a psychologist as soon as possible. A psychologist can assess whether you are depressed, or just under a lot of stress and feeling sad. Remember, depression is treatable. Instead of worrying about whether you are depressed, do something about it. Even if you don't feel like it right now." Donald J. Franklin, PhD.
This information was obtained from http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/description.html
draft

Gina,I pray that you WILL overcome this depression, and after that God will use you to help others. You were put on this earth for a purpose, and your purpose isn't finished yet. Be strong ( or as strong as you can be now)and let God do the rest. I am thinking and praying for you and your family!!! Angie Worman (Brittany's Cousin)

This is a great idea- writing TO the depression, letting "it" know you are stronger and you will beat it!

Some days when it's hard for me, I kind of make light of it. When I can feel it creeping up on me, I say something like,

"oh... Hi Mr. Depression, haven't seen you in a while. By the way, who invited you? I don't have time or energy to deal with you today, so please get lost. If you don't leave, I'm going to have to talk to God and He is stronger than you. He's on my team, so you'd better be afraid. That's right, get lost, and don't ever come back."

OMG. Gina... today I watched a movie about blogging and decided it might be something I could do instead of my traditional journal. I happened to come across your blog and WOW! I wrote this letter about 18 months ago! From the road you didn't choose to travel to the stay in hospital and meeting amazing people, learning to dance with (I guess) your partner, even Italy where I traveled to last year. It's like a mirror image not only of my life, but my letter. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and feelings, it's so comforting to know there are others traveling this unchosen path when the journey - at times - seems so lonely. Much love.

I'm a new follower from Blog Frog. This really hit home with me. I too suffer from this illness. I've spent many years wondering why I had it when I was so joyful in the Lord. It can confuse you if you think too long on it. I appreciate your open heart, & it feels good to connect with someone else who is going through the same thing I am. You are in my prayers.

Gina - I totally understand what you are saying. I just was discharged from a 12 week day treatment program. I have received the same diagnosis as you along with generalized anixety disorder. I find it very hard for people to undertand and accept my illness. Only when I spoke of suicide did it finally hit people. It's a daily battle for me but I struggle through it each day for my son. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Missy Kranz

Hi Gina - My name is Ehron and I wrote the Dear Depression letter on Elephant Journal. I found writing it out in this form certainly helped me on my journey. I hope your letter has helped you on yours.

Gina, you and I have much in common. I also wrestle with the terrible disease of depression. Like you, I love dance, writing, worked as a social worker in foster care and adoption. I am a fully devoted follower of Jesus. Beyond that I am a reunited birth mother. i look forward to following your blog, and invite you to visit mine.

Post a Comment

About Me

I'm a 45 year old Jesus follower, wife, mom of 6, 2 of whom are adopted. I'm a social worker and have worked in the field of adoption. I love decorating, reading and drinking iced tea. I write because it helps me and I hope it can help someone else too!

Contact me

You may message me privately at ginalind@ymail.com

Follow by Email

The Story of the Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfections, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work and you don't get full value for your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it hadleaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. So as we seek ways to minister together and as God calls you to the tasks He has appointed for you, don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them and allow Him to take advantage of them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty in His pathway.