Friday, May 12, 2017

Give Me Liberty Or Give Me A Refund

President
Sack O' Shit has been super busy this week. He fired Comey, lied about why he
fired Comey and threatened Comey. He will cap off this productive week by
giving the commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday.

A friend of
mine happens to be graduating from Liberty University this weekend. She is
pissed the fuck off about this. Of course, if she wasn't pissed about this, she
wouldn't be a friend of mine.

Because
I'm such a good friend, I took it upon myself to write a letter to Jerry Falwell,
Jr. Of course, there is no public email address available for Falwell. So I
sent it to every email address I could find on Liberty's website. If anyone out
there happens to know Jerry Falwell or how to reach him, please see that he
receives the following letter.

A
colleague and dear friend of mine will be graduating from Liberty University
this Saturday, May 13th. She has worked extremely hard to earn her
degree. She put herself into debt attending your university while also working
a full time job where she is overworked and underpaid. My friend has not let
the crushing pain of student debt prevent her from helping others. She founded
a community outreach and charity program. She led a campaign to collect school
supplies for underprivileged children because she cares deeply for education.

My
friend is a glowing example of what your website calls a “Champion For
Christ.” When I witness all she has accomplished at such a young age, I
can't help but think, “Go Jesus!”

Sadly,
my friend is in a bit of a moral dilemma and you are in the unique position by
which you may be able to help. She and many of her classmates want to attend
the commencement ceremonies at your university. They have worked long and hard
for this day and deserve to enjoy the moment peacefully with their family and
friends and Jesus.

Unfortunately,
you have chosen to take a big shit on their special moment by inviting
President Donald J. Trump to give the commencement speech. My friend and her
classmates find this troubling as President Trump may literally be the
Antichrist. And I do mean literally in its intended definition. I'm not using
the word literally when I mean figuratively like so many do. I “know words”
just like the president.

Speaking
of words I know, I debated whether I should use the word shit when writing to a
Christian university. I was afraid it might be offensive. But then, President
Trump, who you so warmly endorse, has said things like, “bomb the shit out
them” and “grab 'em by the pussy.” If you're offended by my use of the word
shit, all I can say is tough shit.

Mr.
Falwell, or Underpaid Office Administrator who would rather be trolling
Facebook than reading my letter, you're sending mixed messages to your
students. Donald Trump doesn't meet the tenets of your own Mission Statement.
And I guess I have to break it down for you because you're either willfully
ignorant or just a giant asshat.

3.Ensure competency in scholarship, research, and professional
communication in all graduate programs and undergraduate programs where
appropriate. “Tweeting happens to be a
modern-day form of communication. I mean, you can like it or not like it. I
have, between Facebook and Twitter, I have almost 25 million people. It’s a
very effective way of communication. So you can put it down, but it is a very
effective form of communication. I’m not unproud of it, to be honest with you.”
- Donald Trump – 10/9/16

4.Promote the synthesis of academic knowledge
and Christian worldview in order that there might be a maturing of spiritual,
intellectual, social and physical value-driven behavior. "Two Corinthians 3:17, that's the whole ballgame.
... Is that the one you like? We don't know what the hell we're doing.
Microsoft will make their damn computers in the U.S. and not China.” Donald
Trump – 2/18/16 – Liberty University

5.Enable students to engage in a major field of
study in career-focused disciplines built on a solid foundation in the
liberal arts. “Are there any other stupid
letters that were sent to you folks? That's one of the reasons I want to have
this call, because you guys are getting sometimes stupid information from
people that aren't so smart.” - Donald Trump – 6/6/16 – Trump University

*(Trump
University is not an actual place.)

6.Promote an understanding of the Western
tradition and the diverse elements of American cultural history,
especially the importance of the individual in maintaining democratic and free
market processes. “I mean, had Andrew Jackson
been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough
person, but he had a big heart, and he was really angry that he saw what was
happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, “There’s no reason for this.”
People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, you think about it, why? People
don’t ask that question. But why was there the Civil War? Why could that one
not have been worked out?” - Donald Trump – 5/1/17

7.Contribute to a knowledge and understanding
of other cultures and of international events. "From
this day forward, it's going to be only America first, America first." Donald
Trump – 1/20/17

8.Encourage a commitment to the Christian life,
one of personal integrity, sensitivity to the needs of others, social
responsibility and active communication of the Christian faith, and, as it is
lived out, a life that leads people to Jesus Christ as the Lord of the universe
and their own personal Savior. “I moved on her,
actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed.
I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. I moved on her like a
bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I
see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed
her look. Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in
case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful —
I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.
And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by
the pussy. You can do anything.” -Donald
Trump – 2005 – Access Hollywood

“This
was locker room banter.” - Donald Trump – 10/8/16

Mr. Falwell, or Unpaid College Intern who would rather be trolling
Facebook than reading my letter, your university claims to be “Training
Champions for Christ,” but your involvement with Trump leaves me
questioning your sincerity. My friend and her classmates have to choose between
listening to a man they find morally reprehensible or missing out on a day that
should be about celebrating their achievements. Achievements that weren't free.
They paid and sacrificed to arrive at this day and you are a total douchebag for
allowing the man who is fucking up their futures to also fuck up one of very
the few good days they have ahead of them.

In preparation for your piss poor choice of a commencement
speaker, increased security measurements have been put in place. The list of
prohibited items is also creating some undue stress for the graduates.
Apparently, I have to break this down for you as well:

Prohibited Items

Aerosols to include silly string – Silly string is a necessity.

Alcoholic beverages – Alcohol
is a necessity.

Ammunition – No shit.

Animals other than service/ guide dogs – No shit.

Backpacks – Necessity.
They're college students for Christ's sake.

Bags and signs exceeding size restrictions (see Clear Bag
Policy) – This is total bullshit and I'll
address it below.

Balloons – Necessity. It's
a celebration for Christ's sake.

Bicycles – Most college
students can't afford a car because tuition costs have ruined their credit.

Bottled drinks/water – Snacks
are on the very short list of allowable items. Ergo, it's a chocking hazard not
to allow drinks.

Coolers or containers – If
we're allowing drinks now, we might as well allow coolers.

Drones and other unmanned aircraft systems – Is this for the students or the president?

Firearms – What the hell kind
of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried
about this?

Fireworks or explosives – I
concur.

Glass, thermal, or metal containers – I'll allow it.

Hoverboards/skateboards – See
Bicycles.

Illegal drugs – What the
hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're
worried about this?

Illegal weapons – What the
hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're
worried about this?

Laser pointers – What the
hell kind of douchebag still has a laser pointer?

Mace/pepper spray – Young
college women need protection from the president. See the Access Hollywood
quote.

Packages – Just don't sign
for them.

Selfie sticks – I don't
want to live in an America where millennials don't have selfie sticks.

Structures – What?

Supports for signs and placards – Fine, whatever.

Toy guns - What the hell kind
of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried
about this?

Umbrellas – It's supposed
to rain. Now you've just gone mad with power.

Weapons of any kind - What the
hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're
worried about this?

Wrapped gifts – Graduates,
tell your friends and family to bring cash in lieu of gifts.

Any other item determined to be a potential hazard – Like some crazy motherfucker with the nuclear codes in
his pocket.

Clear Bag Policy

In an effort to enhance safety and expedite entrance to
Williams Stadium, Liberty University has implemented a new clear bag policy.
Only clear tote bags that do not exceed 12” x 6” x 12”, or one-gallon plastic
freezer bags, will be allowed in Williams Stadium. In addition, small handheld
clutch purses no larger than 4.5” x 6.5” will be permitted.

That is the dumbest thing I've read since the preceding Donald
Trump quotes. First of all, a purse 4.5” x 6.5” is a wallet, not a purse.
Second of all, women have personal items they need to carry. Period. Items they
don't want everyone to see. Period.So
no one is going to be walking around carrying a Gladlock Freezer Bag instead of
a purse like some redneck dumb fuck. Period.

Mr. Falwell or Spam Folder, your dumbass decision to allow Donald
Trump to give the commencement speech has caused a lot of mental anguish and
torment for your graduates, their families and friends, and Jesus. In fact,
I've been so worried for my friend that I spoke to Jesus about it.

And Jesus said low unto me: “Trump is no Champion for
Christ. He who allows The Donald into his University should rescind the
invitation or provide unto his graduates a full refund of all tuition payments,
book costs, and travels fees incurred.”