Posts Tagged ‘résumés’

Seven and a half years ago I did a post called Résumé Mucho. I know some people currently looking for work who might be advised to avoid some of the statements made in that post or today's. First off, you probably don't want to prepare it on a typewriter as shown in the picture on the right.

Part of today's job search is an eye-catching résumé (or C.V. — curriculum vitae in more modern parlance). A poorly written C.V. can ruin a person's chances of landing that desired position. Below you'll see some examples of statements that are not résumé enhancers! You will have to read some of them fairly closely to catch the faux pas — unfortunate wordings, definitely "oops!" admissions, misspellings, etc. The following is a list of some bloopers that have supposedly appeared on actual job candidates' résumés, job applications, and cover letters:

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Have you sat for an interview recently? If you've ever gone for a job interview, you have probably been coached on some of the "no no's" to avoid. There are all kinds of things the experts say you should not do — Don't bite your nails. Don't crack your knuckles. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt.... And on and on it could go, almost endlessly.

As parents learn soon enough, there's no way you can think of all the things your children might do; and after they've done those incredibly dumb deeds, they can honestly and innocently say, "But you never told me I shouldn't do that." (Oh, the stories we could all tell, but probably won't!) 😀 Some job applicants are apparently nothing but grown up children and will almost instinctively do or say the most outrageous things that no one would ever think to tell them not to! Top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Today's iv is some their experiences in interviewing what would/could have otherwise been potential employees.

1. Said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewer's résumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office, wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

13. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I hired him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play it with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out my brush, brushed his hair, and left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

23. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized, and said he had to leave for another interview.

24. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer from me.

25. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

26. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

27. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed some medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

28. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

29. He whistled while the interviewer was talking.

30. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

31. She threw up on my desk and then immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

32. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

That reminded me of a former post that gave some of totally inappropriate things that people have put in their résumés. I'm glad I didn't do or say anything like that in my recent interview. This past week a former student and current reader sent me a link to something similar on CNN's site, if you would like to read more.

In looking for an image to put at the beginning of this post, I ran across two cartoons that I'll use to end this post.

Part of today's job search is an eye-catching résumé (or C.V. -curriculum vitae - in some parts of the world). A poorly written résumé can ruin a person's chances of landing that desired position. Below you'll see some examples of statements that are *not* résumé enhancers! You will have to read some of them fairly closely to catch the faux pas - unfortunate wordings, definitely "oops!" admissions, misspellings, etc. The following is a list of some bloopers that have supposedly appeared on actual job candidates' résumés, job applications, and cover letters:

"1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science."

"I never take anything for granite."

"To Home-Ever it concerns."

"Reason for leaving: maturity leave."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"

"I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment."

"I'm a lean, mean marketing machine."

"At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Completed 11 years of high school."

"Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success."

"I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights."

"Qualifications: I have a current passport."

Then once you've landed a job, what will they write about you in performance reviews or letters of recommendation - especially in this litigious world where businesses get sued for stating the truth?! For those of you have to write such things in today's work climate, here are some ideas for things you could say when you're trying to be as positive yet honest as you can be for all parties concerned. The built-in ambiguity assures that you will be lawsuit proof.

Ambiguous Letters Of Recommendation:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For an employee with no ambition:
"She could not care less about the number of hours she had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the position would be better left unfilled:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
"(Name of employee) worked for me for (number of years/months) and when he left, I was totally satisfied."

For an employee with lackluster credentials who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I feel his talent is wasted here."
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend her too highly."

To describe a person who is totally inept:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For the employee who often comes to work under the influence:
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with her was a happy hour."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

updates...

After an extremely enjoyable time with loved ones, we made our trek back to Greenville on New Year's Day. The trip was easy, with low levels of traffic, heavier mainly near the big cities along the way. Next week is the beginning of second semester classes. It will be good to see my students again.

One of my new year's resolutions is to resume posting my weekly iv's to the blog, contrary to my October 18th blog entry below. Blogs are "weblogs" of people's lives, and my iv's generally include a "personal update." This post is the first weekly entry for 2007. Happy New Year!

quotation...

"Let your life be a chronicle of the activity of God." - Dr. Drew Conley

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My name is Rob Loach and I welcome you to my blog. People come here for an "instant vacation." You can learn more about me and about my instant vacations, including why my blog is called "ivman's blague," by visiting the about page, where you can watch my TV interview about my blog. My site is thirteen years old, so check out the tabs at the top of this page, subjects of interest to you in the tag cloud (below), and older blog posts (about 750 of them) not on the home page of the blog. Though I am posting less often than at first, there's still lots of archived humor here for you to enjoy!

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