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Thursday, August 12, 2010

It’s Tuesday afternoon and you’re bored as shit. With nothing to do but spread bro cheer, you and your bros decide to take your weekly trip to Home Depot to #97 take dumps in the model toilets. Unfortunately, for some reason fucking Home Depot decided to hire extra security to stop you guys this week. While you’re bro is mid-dump, they swarm him like he’s fucking George Lopez at a Diamondbacks game. Just as he’s getting #40 kicked out with his pants around his ankles screaming, “Someone call Amnesty International!” you see it - feet upon feet of clear vinyl tubing. You instantly realize what you have to do – make a gigantic fucking beer bong.

You arrive home with your supplies and attach the grey funnel to the 20 feet of tubing .Immediately, you declare, “I christen thee, ‘Long Bong Silver!’” As your bros clap politely someone smashes a fucking bottle of champagne. It’s time to celebrate - you’re throwing a fucking rager.

As you see people starting to filter in and #3 sluts deciding which bro they want to bang, it’s time to break out the entertainment. You and your bro climb up to the roof dressed in fucking pirate costumes. As your bro throws the bong over the edge, you cry out, “Shiver me timbers, bitches. Who wants to walk the fucking plank??”
Immediately someone screams out, “Aye, Aye, Cap’n!” and runs to the bottom of the tube. You fill up the funnel with a six-pack of Natty and two shots of vodka just for good measure. As the chugger waits for the foam to die down in the funnel, he raises his arms in the air calling for more cheering. You give him the word that the foam is gone. He takes a deep breath, drops to one knee, and begins one of the greatest athletic feats known to man – chugging enough alcohol to kill a small animal. As he takes his last gulp, he jumps up screaming, “#20 It feels so good once it hits your lips!” Everyone starts #4 chanting “Frank-The-Tank! Frank-The-Tank!” People are #13 giving out high fives and the slam pieces are getting visibly wet as shit. Up on the roof, you turn to your bro and say, “Tonight’s gonna be fucking awesome.” You better fucking believe it is – and it’s all thanks to that 20-foot beer bong named after a shitty seafood restaurant. After all, you're a bro and you fucking love drinking beer fast.

Bros are always the best in everything they do, so why should drinking be any different? While society might call drinking fast a sign of binging, bros know what it really means – that you’re the fucking man. Why the fuck would anyone want to just sip on a beer all night? Unless you’re a fucking one-beer queer, you’re not even getting a buzz much less hammered from that drink, so what’s the fucking point? Bros realize that the only reason to drink is to get fucked up and honestly what better way to do that than by drinking fast as shit. Here’s a few ways that bros drink fast:

The Beer Bong: I don’t know who invented the Beer Bong, but honestly, whoever it was deserves a fucking Nobel Prize. It really doesn’t get much more bro than using equipment bought at the fucking hardware store to allow you to chug beer a few seconds faster than you would have using a can. Bros are busy people so you better believe they need those few precious seconds to do important shit – like pounding more brew and slaying slam pieces!

Drinking Games – When bros have a party they don’t send out invitations in the mail. They don’t have dinner with nametags at each seat for the guests. Fuck, they don’t even clean their house. Bros have parties to get fucking wasted. Bro parties consist of kegs, a #6 beer pong table that everyone is huddled around, and drinking games. Drinking games allow people at the party to avoid talking to each other and focus on the real reason why they came – to get fucked up. Now I’m not talking about dumbass games like “Asshole,” which promote bullshit like “strategy” and “thinking,” I’m talking about the card or dice games that get you straight up fucked where there’s absolutely no social interaction whatsoever and the only focus is fucking chugging. You can always tell if it’s a great fast drinking game because anytime it’s brought up someone yells out, “Oh man, that game fucks you up!”

The Keg Stand: Whoever decided, “Hey - I’m tired of drinking out of this #19 keg using boring cups, how about you guys prop me up in the air and I’ll put my mouth on the tap and just chug,” was seriously a fucking genius. Bros are fucking smart as shit, so they eliminate bullshit useless middle-men like cups. If bros could drink beer straight out of the brewery bottling taps, you better fucking believe they would. And nothing gets a party going like a good old-fashioned keg stand count up. Honestly, if you can’t get at least 20 seconds on a fucking keg stand, then you seriously don’t even deserve to stand up when you pee.

“Time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted.” I can’t remember exactly who wrote these inspirational words, but I’m pretty sure it was Jesus. Anyways, while this might be true, a bro never wastes any time when getting wasted. So this weekend, chug the beer. Set new personal speed drinking records. Get fucked up faster than humanly possible. Be the bro.

epic...the only word that can truly describe this post. Has anyone ever seen the biersticks? pretty much a bigass syringe full of beer(or liquor), considerably faster than bongs. NYB, if i can make a suggestion, Freshman move-in parties, that magical time of the year when stupid freshman sluts will jump in bed with you before you finish introducing yourself, using the fake name you made up so they cant facebook you.

The problem with beer pong is that I don't fucking miss so I'll stay on the table the whole night and make the other team drink while I stay sober. Fucking horse races is where its at. If true bros are playing each person will bet like 20 or 30 seconds on an ace which amounts to basically two beers. Gets you fucking wasted in like 15 minutes.

You know that fatass bro everyone rolls with who shames everyone with his chugging skills...Our token fat bro once took down a 30 rack in 15 minutes. That shit was epic.

Be on the lookout for a slam piece who can take down a lot of beer. Slam pieces are supposed to be anorexic and all sororities are supposed to be on diets aka group puking after meals. If you don't see the bitch making herself puke within an hour in a month she'll be the DOFF.

Only thing we have ever disagreed on NYB - Asshole is awesome. It's the shit to abuse your bros by forcing them to drink as much as you want simply because you finished higher than them the game before only to get a shitty stack of cards and have them retaliate the next game. We get fucking hammered before we go out to bars sitting around playing asshole

Nothing is better than beer bong alarm clocks. Before every football game we kick in the Freshman's doors around 6 a.m. and make them take a 2 keystone, 2 everclear shot beer bong. If they've been a good pledge they might get an earthquake or camo black ice.

Last year our group bitch, who is also a nerd, made us a beer bong that had a bike pump attached. Fastest beer bong in the world. If any bro's need the schematic, I'll make the bitch post it online.

We play a game called boxing, 3 minute rounds with 2 boxers, both roll a dice- loser takes a shot of beer and both have partners to fill your shot the second you finish it, shit gets you real fucked up. Try being Rocky BalBroa and going the full 12 rounds...

You're a champ NYB. I honestly expected this one to be at the top of the list but w/e.

I am the king of shotgunning beers and have yet to meet someone who can beat me. I'm moving from Boston to SoCal so I'm hoping some SoCal bros can top my 2.1 second shotgun. The slampieces fucking love it when I show them. It's like I fucking gave them a diamond ring or something. Also, push up keg stands are the shit. I did 23 once, then the beer started gushing out my nose, I fucking fell and tore my labrum. Needless to say, I took a few chickenheads to poundTown that night.

OOOOhhhh shit, I was in Mexico last summer and I discovered one of the most amazing things ever: a fucking clear tall ass 5 liter cylinder of beer they sell at bars there. We must have gone through 15 that night. One of my bros ended up throwing the thing onto another table when he pounded the 5 liters and hit a fat slut. We got kicked out and went next door for some more.

Ditto on the case races. Those things are fucking INSANE. My fraterhouse has the beer olympics every semester where each class competes all sorts of retarded drinking games. Everything ends up with puke on it even our cat. Also case races against other fraternities is the shit. Case races against soririties is a joke but it's fun as shit.

epic post NYB. this one really speaks to me. another great form of the beer bong is the chuggler aka a pitcher with a funnel out of the bottom. that shit is fucking genius. and to the anonymous post about keg races, the only thing better than a keg race with beer is a keg race with kegs of Four Loko. That shit is beyond insane. Last time be and my bros had one of those i think about 3 people died and 8 slam pieces got pregnant. So over all it was a pretty good night

I agree using common household items to drink out of is inBROvative. My bro one filled up a traffic cone we stole with delicious nectar of the gods (beer) on a snow day and went around asking for someone to chug it. Well, of course there were pussies who wouldn't chug it for sanitary reasons. However, yes you guessed it, I chugged that shit and damn a traffic cone is a solid beer bong.

Ah and Charles BROnsen...we call those push up keg stands "manstands". Makes it seem more badass. However maybe we should just start calling em BROstands, since bros are the only people worthy of conquering such a feat.

Me and my bros invented a game called fate. Its to the fucking point so if your going to play be ready to black the fuck out. 1. Get a deck of cards. Shuffle.2. Get in a circle and determine who draws first.3. Draw. If your card is a spade chug a beer.4. You cannot draw again until the beer is gone. No " i owe 47 drinks lawl!" that shit is gay and for brohaters drinking with their local librarian. Pound that shit quickly and get ready to draw again.5. Fastest time through the deck is the goal. Aces everyone chugs so you are guaranteed to chug 4 in a round. Rounds should be no longer than ten minutes if you have more than five true bros.

Enjoy your fate because its sealed when you sit down. Happy black outs bros and remember like coach riley from mighty ducks said, its not worth drinking if you cant drink big!

If you're ever stuck with the brohater can (standard 12oz) turn the tab 90 degrees when you pop the top. It opens up about half the can for faster flow, which equals you getting fucked up quicker. Do just accept that 12oz brohater can for what it is. Bros are the shit.

I don't know if some other bro mentioned this already because I'm too busy doing hood rat things with my bros to read. But, the fucking paintstick is the best and fastest way to chug beer. You can find them at walmart or any hardware store, it's a big paint roller that holds the paint in the handle... anyway, you just throw the roller away and any other subordinate parts.. fill the handle with beer (only holds about 2-3) then you push the end against a wall while your mouth is at the other end where it comes out. While it doesn't hold as much booze as a huge beer bong, it soars down your throat in a bout 2 seconds. 2 beers in 2 seconds is a bro king move. duh

truer words were never spoken my brother in arms-- at a young age i developed an uncanny ability to down giant mugs of beer in one gulp; needless to say whenever i want to assert my status as dominant bro, i just stand up on a table and tell everyone to watch how fast i can drink this beer.

My bros and I have an invention or at least one we claim as our own. Its the beer stick, and this isn't your pussy beer stick where you shoot a shot of vodka down a sorority bithces throat. Oh no good sir this is for bro's with the biggest dicks. You go to your local walmart and buy a super paint mate. Rip off all the parts involved for painting on walls. You suck up the beer, but the contraption to your lips, squat and drink simaltaneously and then in less than 10 seconds you have just shot down four beers. Only the truest of bros can party with this type of device. This isn't for you fags out there who think you're bro just b/c you're in a frat. This takes the realest of man.

Anonymous above. I stopped reading after squat, insert penis in mouth, suck vigorously. this game sounds far to familiar to what bitches do to me on the reg. Unless you want to look like a bitch, i wouldnt go around spreading this new found invention.

drinking hard is bad fucking ass and the only way to shotgun is usiong your thumb to make the hole. If you take a can and drive your thumb through it then drink it real fast your fucking slaying bitches all night.....nufff said

It doesn't get much more bro than a two story beer bong. take that shit to panama city on spring break a couple balconies up and the bitches will flock to it like the salmon of capastrano. Titties Galore!

Take your "dick sucking paint mate" somewhere gay and homosexual. I think you are confused with the actual definition of being bro as shit and parading around about a hard and long contraption used to suck down brews is about as as bro hating as the day you came out of the closet to your step dad and mom.

Be a fuckin bro, pull out the key to your 2010 Mercedes Benz and stab the shit out of our Natural Ice to shotgun that shit down like a real man! Take your rainbows and gayness somewhere else homo...

Buy a wiffle ball bat. Cut a hole in the bottom of it. Pour several beers into the hole. Chug. True bros will do the dizzy bat BEFORE they chug. Have your bro throw the empties at you and knock that shit out of the park like you're Babe Ruth. Repeat until something gets broken, then repeat again.

The ultimate bro drinking game is simply called DBF go! DBF standing for Drink Beer Fast. The rules are simple when a fellow Bro says DBF go! you drink as much beer as fast as possible for as long as possible out of whatever sort of beverage you are holding.