Monologues for Women | "Ken Doll Theft" by Gabriel Davis

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You know, you have always misunderstood me. Remember that time I took all your Ken dolls?

There was a recall that year of those particular Ken dolls, they were dangerous Ames. Grandma said they were real Ken dolls but really they were cheap off-brand knock-offs covered in lead paint… I tried to explain it to you, but you were four. You didn’t get it. So I took them, and was saving my allowance to replace them... but I only got a buck a week.

Yes … yes.. I did enjoy the extra Kens … OK? But why do you think I was wearing kitchen gloves when I had them serve their Barbie Queens? It was to protect myself from lead poisoning!!!

And remember when you had that Krispy Kreme problem? Have you forgotten how I gained 15 pounds of donut weight in high school? You were constantly bringing boxes home and I was afraid if I didn’t devour them faster than you, you were going to become diabetic.

I stole your Kens and I ate your donuts to save you. Both were good deeds. But they were, oh God, Ames. They were!

If I’m married, I may not have as much time to watchdog your life. You’re my little sis. I can’t abandon you out here.

This monologue is from the play Yoga Fart available digitally and in print here.