My middle sister and I don’t hang out much, but last weekend, we took the kids to McDonald’s. We were sitting there with our mom talking, watching the kids, and people watching. The Playplace is the all-time best place to watch people. Wanna see Psycho-Mom? And her litter of psycho kidlets? Just stop by and McD’s Playplace any afternoon, but especially on Saturdays! Goodness, the blog fodder that trapes in there is, really, too much.

My sisters and I usually can tell what each other is thinking. I’m sitting there, looking around and a man bends over to help this child. And displays his crack. His hairy crack at that. I started busting out laughing, but I tried to control it until my sister could see it for herself. She faced that way, and I know it was just a matter of time until she saw it. I stared at her and tried to maintain composure, watching, waiting… until Yahtzee! I knew when the crack entered her view by the look on her face. It was priceless! Then we busted out laughing uncontrollably until we both had tears in our eyes.

Tomorrow, my mom flies to Texas for the weekend. I offered to take her to the airport for her 7:30am flight. She lets me know that my middle sister wants to take her so that she can borrow her car. No problem, I was kind glad NOT to have wake up at 5am. Well, it turns out that my sister still wants me to go. Because she’s not sure how to get back from the airport. Umm…how about the way you get there in the first place? So I’m gettig up at the crack (ha! crack) to be her GPS? uh-huh. She’s buying my breakfast, I immediately say to Mom. Mom tells me that Sis has already planned on it. She knows me so well. And that can be a good and a bad thing. She loves to tell all the “embarrassing Tina” stories. And there are many of those. She remembers and retells every single one. Not nice.

Once a year some friends and I get a room at a casino to drink and gamble and not have to worry about driving home. We always have a blast and we usually get into some kind of trouble. My intention was to gamble very little and not lose too much money. I started with sixty, playing Blackjack. I lost 35. I had a few more drinks and sat down at Flop Poker, a new game for me. Once the dealer taught us how to play, I was on a winning streak. It wasn’t long before I had a stack of red chips in front of me. Nice. Then I hit a Full House. Twice. Very nice. Then I hit four of a kind. It was amazing. I walked away with $1600. I fed a slot machine $100 and then quit. I never imagined that I would win that much money.

Speaking of money, I work with a lady, whom I love dearly, but she makes really bad choices. She makes bad choices with money. (She did not attend the gambling extravaganza.) She has always had a man take care of her financially. Now, she is on her own, although she has a boyfriend, he does not support her like her previous boyfriend did. Her current beau can be challenging to deal with and he gets onto her and her kids. I can tell that she stays with him because she needs the financial support of a man in order to keep her head above water. Watching her go through this, as well as my own experience, I am convinced that I will never depend on anyone else to support me. Not that I have-I have always managed, not well, but I have done it. I would like to get married someday. If I don’t, no big deal. If I do, great, but I will always work and have my own money. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Today I had a wonderful mother-son moment with Jake. We were in the car and he asked me to turn the radio off. And he starts talking, which is not unusual. Jake is a BIG TALKER. Though, today, he did not speak of the Bionicles. He told me about a conversation he had with a couple of girls in his class. One of these girls said that all the boys in the class who talk all the time are dorks, except a few boys. Jake asked if he was one of the dorks. Yes, was their reply. I could tell that he was really hurt. For the life of me, I will never understand why people feel the need to be mean. Especially to my precious boy.

I said, “Who cares what they think?”

“Yeah…”he mumbles.

“I am a dork,” I state, thinking, if I can’t beat him, join him.

“You’re not a dork, Mom.” Those are the sweetest words that I have ever heard. Well, other than, “I love you, Mom.”

Well, he thinks that for now. Ask him again in a few years. Because, we all KNOW that I am a really big dork.

Anyway, I talked to him about relationships and people and hopefully, he feels that he can continue to talk to me whenever stuff like this comes up. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful son.

Valentine’s Day is the dumbest “holiday.” I usually find myself in one of two situations, one pretending to be into someone, due to the fact that he 1.) Present and available and 2.) Has a heartbeat. I much prefer little ways of showing love and concern throughout the year. I have had a few boyfriends that were really good at it. It means more to me to have the man in my life remember little things that I like-favorite food, favorite TV shows, favorite movies. The second situation, I find myself in much more frequently, is alone.

Also, it was on Valentine’s Day eleven years ago that I was in a serious car accident. My mom now views V-Day as the “day Tina didn’t die.” This reason really has nothing to do with this post. So read on.

I cancelled “Sex and the City” from my DVR rotation. Anyone who knows me well, knows that this is a big deal. I love this show. Really, I love any show that is filmed in NYC. I love or used to love this show because it was about relationships and love. I have now come to realize that this show is bad for my well-being. The focus is on having a man and if you have no man, then you are a boring old hag. And I find very little of the kind of love that I want in my life in the show. I have watched this show for years and I have seen every episode MANY times and can quote most of them by heart. Sad, I know. Unhealthy, too. I am changing my priorities and I need to change what I am allowing into my mind. Watching this show over and over and over again goes against how I want my life to be. I am content on my own. Life is good and I am happy. SATC challenges this and makes it difficult to maintain that level of satisfaction. If I wanted to be a whore, gold-digger, or a cynic, not to mention display many levels of neuroses, I would continue to watch this show. I recognize that this may be drastic, yet every night I was watching at least 3-4 episodes. I believe that much viewing affected my view of what a relationship should be. So SATC will no longer be in my line-up. I will fill it with more edifying shows, like “The Office.” Don’t be fooled: I will surely miss it and I will go see the movie when it comes out.

“The best things about sunny days is that they remind us that the gloomy days are only temporary. Take a minute to list thirty things that are great about your life (and the more trouble you have doing it, the more you need to do it!) Tuck your list somewhere safe and refer to it when you need a reminder that a sunny day is just around the corner… ”
-The Rainy Day Book

Here are 30 of the great things in my life.

1. My son, Jake
2. Family-well, sometimes they are great.
3. My jobs-since I have bills =)
4. That I can see and appreciate all that God has made
5. The church that I go to
6. Friends
7. Laughter
8. My warm apartment
9. The fact the utilities are included in rent
10. A car with NO CAR PAYMENT
11. a warm, cozy bed
12. my health
13. Jake’s health
14. Jake’s imagination, creativity and intelligence
15. Babies! My sister is having one in May!
16. Having the capacity to love
17. Having freedom
18. Grace
19. Redemption
20. Forgiveness
21. Chocolate
22. Music
23. The ability to read
24. my laptop
25. The Bible
26. time spent with Jake
27. Being single
28. My big comfy chair
29. Sundays
30. Jesus and what He has done for us.

When I got married and then divorced, I kept his last name because it was Jake’s last name. At the time, I thought that it was very important. And I guess it is. I just miss MY last name more and more everyday. I never really cared for it before. It probably has to do with the fact that my maiden name is four letters and now my last name has TWELVE letters. It takes me three months to write a check. I am not even kidding. I like that Jake and I have the same last name, I just don’t want to be associated with HIM. Hmmph. I shoulda thought of that before I married him.

Speaking of him, he mentioned something he thought I needed and how he was going to buy it for me for my birthday. HUH?? This is from the man that didn’t buy my anything for Christmas, Valentine’s Day or my birthday last year when we were married. And it’s not just about “buying” me anything. Any kind thought or effort would have been greatly appreciated. Any crumb that he threw at me I gobbled up like it was a Thanksgiving feast. It makes me sick to think about how I was when I was with him. Gross, gross, gross.

It also makes me sick, sick, sick to think about how I will not likely trust another man. EVER. I will be fine alone, but that is not how I pictured my life. I thought I would have a few more kids and watch the grandkids with my loving husband. I am glad about making steps for my life to be positive and happy. I am just sad that this is not what I pictured. I need to let go of MY WILL for my life and embrace GOD’S WILL. I will.