Sharon’s List

Arik Sharon is desperate to rehabilitate himself in the eyes of his own people before he dies. His legacy will be that he brought comfort, stability, rest, a calming of nerves, psychological peace, and a cleansing of the “troubles” that have disturbed the fragile psyche of all Jews. He brought this calm to his people not through a “Maalox or Prozac Moment” but through the permanent and final solution of Israel’s “troubles” via an M-16, a new compound guaranteed to drive away any human headache.

Sharon will justify to his people that Israel has bent over backwards since 1948, offering peaceful solutions, accepting UN Resolutions, even restraining its anger when slightly scratched. Israel after all accepted the UN 1948 partition giving the “troubles” 45% of their own land back for a homeland but they refused. Israel was also generous offering the remaining “troubles” in its land citizenship unlike the rest of the “troubles” who peacefully left their homes, farms, and belongings behind and insisted on trekking hundreds of miles on foot to the neighboring Arab countries, countries that didn’t give a damn about the health and welfare of these “troubles”. They just threw them in refugee camps, refused to give them citizenship or working papers, and stole the money the UN and others gave to feed, house, and school them. Again, Israel in 1956 took it upon itself to free these “troubles” from the domination of Egypt and provide them with Israeli “security” but stupidly Eisenhower didn’t appreciate our efforts and insisted we leave our friendly presence on Egypt’s land. We decided then “Never Again” to allow any American President, Congress, Media, or any individual or institution to challenge anything we say or do. Since then we’ve held America by its COJONES and so far so good. We, Israel, tried again to surprise the “troubles” in 1967 to liberate them from Egypt, Jordan, and Syria. This time we succeeded and have ever since spent our money (and yes, America’s money), energy, and technology to provide the “troubles” with civilized, neighborly Jews close to their camps to provide them with jobs building these neighborhoods, educate them on farming practices, and occasionally serve as target practice whenever the Jews are in a bad mood or stressed out. Out of our generosity we built a maze of new roads, Beverly Hills neighborhoods, schools, swimming pools, and made the land bloom with green lawns and flowers with constant running water (we do allow them to get some water once a week). Of course since Judaism is the forerunner of Christianity and Islam it was only logical that we take the entire holy city of Jerusalem under our wings for Interfaith purposes. For that gesture the entire world including our colony, America, still refuses to recognize Jerusalem as our capital. That’s some Chutzpah.

When our northern neighborhoods across from Lebanon were stressed by angry words and rockets we calmly persuaded Lebanon both in 1979 and in 1982 to stop the “troubles” who left our land from acting so barbarically. Eventually the “troubles” and their leader left Beirut to Tunis. Unfortunately, we had to liquidate some of them there and in Europe so that our people won’t take out their anger against their neighborly “troubles” in Judea and Samaria. You’d think after 22 years of persuasion Lebanon would learn its lesson, but it didn’t, so we gave up and decided to let them fight their wars with Syria and between themselves. In the 1980’s our American colony told us that this crazy man in Iraq that they were fooled to support (they are so gullible and stupid aren’t they) is building a nuclear reactor. So they worked it out with Jordan and Saudi Arabia to allow our pilots to take it out. America told us they would be grateful for such action as it protects their puppets in the oil rich Persian gulf but that publicly they asked us to understand their condemnation—yada, yada, yada, and nothing changes.

“So my dear Israel”, says the proud Sharon, ‘here is my list for a peaceful future. I guarantee its success because the simple minded idiotic Bush can’t tell his Judea from his Samaria and so he’ll be looking to our friends in the Congress, Think Tanks, Media, Lobbyists; basically our government within the government, asking them what he should do regarding his “foreign policy.”

Sharon’s To Do “List”

Palestine:

Continue the “Exodus” plan for the “Troubles”: shoot, kill, assassinate, bomb, burn, demolish homes, destroy farms (I hate olive trees), build trenches, walls, destroy hospitals, schools, kill “accidentally” their prisoners, starve them, cut off their water, electricity, and medicines. They will leave or they will die. Every Jew is entitled to a good night’s rest with some peace and quiet. Arafat must be liquidated along with all his help. This will cause a civil war and they may just kill themselves for us. In two years, I assure you no more “troubles.” As long as our American colony is there who will stop us. As long as these Arab leaders remain in power we can forget about them. They all remember what happened to King Faisal. This ‘exodus” will be done quietly and circumspectly as there will be no media allowed in and without pictures of blood, the world keeps quiet.

We will let the Settlers do the initial killing then we’ll move in. I will destroy that world symbol of Jerusalem “Dome of the Rock” and “Masjid Al Aqsa”. That Temple Mount is Jewish, always has been and always will be. Let the Muslims eat their dust. I’m not sure about the Christian sites yet. I’ll wait to see the reaction of Europe first. If as usual they’re cowards, I’ll destroy it with the help of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, John Hagee, Oral Roberts, Benny Hinn, and all our Christian “Zionist” friends. After that all of them will meet with “accidents” since deep down they want to see the end of the Jewish people and hasten the coming back of their “Jesus”.

Lebanon:

Destroy all “troubles” and “Hizballoh” camps. Overthrow the government and bring back General Michel Aoun, our friend, to be president and help him to liquidate all opposition, especially Muslims and Druze. We and our colony will help the Lebanese free themselves of Syria’s illegal occupation of a sovereign Lebanon and jump start their economy. We will reinstate a joint Lebanese–Israeli army in the south for calm and peaceful purposes.

Syria:

As Colin Powell said: “we will surround it, then kill it” as far as its army in Lebanon is concerned. Syria is so weak with no weapons or military to speak of. We’ll take more of the Golan Heights to encompass the poor families on the other side that are separated from their families on our side. That’s always brought a tear to my eyes. We will also install a friendly government instead of the “son of the butcher” who killed his own people.

Egypt:

Mubarak is the best friend Israel has ever had. He talks well but knows who feeds and protects him from the Sadat killers. Egyptians have no more stomach to fight and aren’t good at it anyway preferring belly dancing and Meloukiah. I’m tired of Al-Azhar University. I think its time we make it into a Meir Kahane Jewish Seminary Institute for Peace and Reconciliation.

Iraq and Iran:

With the help of Saudia Arabia, the Gulf States, Turkey, us and our American colony we’ll take out Saddam and his republican guards. A solution every wants but too cowardly to act on. We will then place our formed “Iraqi opposition” in power and shower the people with food, water, and MTV videos. As for Iran we will launch our usual surprise attack on all their military facilities, conventional and non conventional weapons and remove their orthodox rigid and racist religious leaders. We will install the Shah’s son in power who has learned his father’s mistakes and will rule well with our advice.

United States:

I am deeply suspicious of the African Americans Powell and Condoleeza Rice (she has such delicious legs) in Bush’s government. Blacks have never been good friends with Jews. Thus our friends will begin the process of “seek scandal and destroy” and get them out of there. Rumsfeld is an idiot cold war bigot whom we can manage. Bush is an idiot but he’s an unpredictable idiot. Hardly any Jews voted for him, they hate his father, and still he kisses our kosher behinds. But he’s a one termer for our colony. We want Gephardt for President. I’ve never meant a man willing to sell his mother for money like him. The idiot will “emblazon” the love of Israel in the American people as he promised AIPAC. I’ll call upon Foxman, Lauder, and Klein to take the usual precautions by bugging all the National Security offices as we did at the time of Clinton. We may need it later.

This my Eretz Israel is my to do “LIST” for my administration. Have no fear of the rest of the world for we have enough rich and important Jews in the important countries to support our Divine Plan. Even DreamWorks Speilbeg, Katzenberg, and Geffen are already planning beautiful Cartoon and Adult movies to bring tears to the eyes of every American much like the movies–The Sword of the Desert, The Life of Emile Zoa, Exodus, Fiddler on the Roof, Yentl, and Schindler’s List. The world will thank me, praise me, and erect statues and monuments to me, they will sing my name in Hebrew and Yiddish forever, for only I, Herr General Ariel Sharon, took revenge upon the Arab and Islamic world for the Holocaust. We the victims of the Exodus and Holocaust can’t be satisfied until we ourselves become the perpetrators of an Exodus and Holocaust. We will force the world to Love us no matter how many people we have to kill.

Suddenly, a lonely voice in the crowd shouted: “Arik, what about Yahweh” Arik, turned around and said: “WHO?”

Mr. Mohamed Khodr is an American Muslim physician and a native from the Middle East. He has worked in Academic Medicine and Public health with national and international health experience. He is a freelance writer who often writes columns on the Palestinian cause, Islam and on America’s Foreign Policy in the Middle East. He lives in the Washington DC area.

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