Friday Roundup

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time

Well, well, well. We haven’t seen a Muskbox for 280 days. Did Carrie take all that time off to compile a series of questions so poignant, so probing, and so insightful that tales will be told of this being the GREATEST MUSKBOX IN HISTORY? SPOILERS: No. Outside of pitching (because in my opinion pitching has […]

Yep. This site is not quite dead yet. So, here’s the deal. I’m getting back into live comedy, and that’s been consuming quite a bit of my time lately. I’m trying not to neglect this beautiful disaster of a blog, but life is a whirlwind right now. If you want to see me make dick jokes in real time, I’m going to be performing in my first show next Friday night at 10:00 p.m. at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora (behind the Fox Valley Mall). It’s called “World War Improv”, it’s going to pit two teams of comics against one another, and it’s going to be funny.

Only four more positions are left on the Best Bad Cubs Team of- HOLY SHIT, LOOK OUT! MAN, YOU ALMOST GOT NAILED BY THAT BAT AS IT HELICOPTERED THROUGH THE AIR! Anyhow, we only have the outfield and shortstop left to go, and if you- OH MY GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER I THINK THAT’S STRIKE TWO! Whew! That one just missed you. As I was saying, I’m almost done with the list of Best Bad Cubs and- HE ALMOST HIT THAT OLD LADY IN THE FRONT ROW! HER 95 YEARS ALL JUST FLASHED BEFORE HER EYES! Our final infielder was accidentally one of the most dangerous men in baseball. If you attended a game at Wrigley Field in 2000 or 2001, you were as likely to walk home with a souvenir bat as a souvenir ball. You see, Best Bad Cub shortstop Ricky Gutierrez had pine tar issues that- JESUS HE’S LIKE A TODDLER PLAYING WIFFLE BALL! THAT GUY IS DEAD!

In the late ’90s to about the mid-2000s, there were a weird number of players that the Cubs and Boston Red Sox swapped back and forth as they both sought to avoid 100 titleless years. Jimmy Anderson, Shane Andrews, Terry Adams, Rod Beck, Damon Buford, Frank Castillo, Matt Clement, Jeff Fassero, Cliff Floyd, Chad Fox, Gary Gaetti, Nomar Garciaparra, Geremi Gonzalez, Tom Gordon, Mark Guthrie, Ricky Gutierrez, Chris Haney, Bob Howry, Damian Jackson, Sandy Martinez, Wade Miller, Bill Mueller, Troy O’Leary, Darren Lewis, Ron Mahay, Pat Mahomes, Orlando Merced, Kent Mercker, Mike Remlinger, Rey Sanchez, Matt Stairs, Chris Stynes, Julian Tavarez, Jermaine Van Buren, Todd Walker, and Scott Williamson all played for both historically horrible franchises around that time. The swapping worked for the Red Sox. Not so much for the Cubs. The starting third baseman on the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time was one of those guys. Many Cubs fans blamed Dusty Baker for mismanaging Mark Bellhorn and not handing him the starting third base position during the 2003 season. I’m all for blaming Dusty Baker for everything. But I don’t think this one was on him. Bellhorn was awesome for exactly one season. Fortunately, that season happened when he was with the Cubs. Unfortunately, it happened in 2002, when they were absolutely terrible. Nevertheless, Bellhorn’s Cub career was enough to earn him a spot on this team.

Are you as excited as I am about grown men playing catch in the Arizona sun? It’s a low bar. But pitchers and catchers reporting is the first sign that this winter can’t LITERALLY be endless, right? Soon, there will be baseball games that don’t matter. Then, there will be baseball games that do matter. Then, around May, there will be baseball games that don’t matter again. But, hey, the sun is out today.

Pitchers and catchers report on February 13th. What does that mean to you? It means nothing. The 2014 Cubs MAY get within 10 games of .500 this year. But I said that last year. Because I’m an idiot. As someone who cut the cable cord last fall, the biggest story of the 2014 season is going to be whether I’m going to be able to watch Cubs games on MLB.tv. If not, I guess I’m going to complete my final metamorphosis into a full-time Twins fan. Or maybe I’m finally going to finish that novel and learn to play guitar. Or maybe I’ll just waste that time looking at memes. Who am I to judge myself?

Is Keith Moreland a secret agent? Are the Muskbox submitters a secret sect of low-intelligence sentient life forms? Does anyone remember Josh Vitters? Do people in New Zealand watch the Cubs? All these questions and more will be half-assedly answered in this week’s edition of the Muskbox.

Happy Super Bowl weekend, humans. If you have plans for the Super Bowl, you’re one step ahead of me. No part of me wants to see Peyton Manning with another Super Bowl, but a large part of me wants Pete Carroll to fall on his stupid smug face. So, go Broncos? Whatever your plans for this weekend, be safe, try to let your significant others actually watch the game if they want to, and try to space out your halftime toilet flushes.

Dave Kaplan got his hands on the contract the Cubs signed with the rooftop owners. Dave Kaplan wrote a 2,000+ word essay breaking down the contract. I wrote a million-word fisking of his breakdown of the contract. THE CIRCLLLLLLLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! Thanks to Section 242 for the tip.

The Muskbox is here to solve all of the Cubs’ third-base problems… or something. What that solution is, is hard to define. But if there’s one thing our resident librarian knows how to do, it’s define words. And phrases. And idioms. And shush people. And hand out detentions. And stamp books. And keep Ed Hartig fed and watered.