Codependence is defined as a relationship in which one person enables or encourages the addictive behavior of another. The most common identifying characteristic of a codependent person is that the person tends to take care of everyone around them and ignore their own needs. Codependent people try to manage other people’s feeling, words, actions – everything, all while neglecting themselves. Codependent people are reactive instead of acting for themselves. They constantly react to other people.

Codependent personality disorder, or CPD, is apparent in people who have dysfunctional relationships with everyone including themselves. Usually this translates to the codependent person living vicariously through or for someone else instead of for themselves. Most often a codependent person is quite controlling and refuses to take blame or responsibility. They would rather live as a ‘victim’ while they try to ‘fix’ other people. Codependents often exhibit intense anxiety when faced with intimacy with other people.

Codependency is common among people who come from dysfunctional families, primarily the children of parents who are alcoholics or addicts. Chemical dependency treatment facilities often offer treatment for codependency issues as well. Other disorders and symptoms of codependency include depression and anxiety. Physical symptoms of codependency may include:

- Stomach problems

- Migraines

- General maladies

- Skin problems

Some common characteristics of codependency include:

- Anxiety or high levels of stress

- Taking care of others at the expense of ones self

- Inability to trust your own feelings

- Feeling guilty for not being able to do enough

- Depression

- Isolation

- Workaholic

- Perfectionism

- No clear boundaries set for ones self

- Low self esteem or seeking approval in others

- Failure to take responsibility for own actions

- Incapable of maintaining or sustaining relationships

- Impulsiveness

- Authority resentment

- Fear of anger

- Fails to take criticism well

- Requires a lot of ‘drama’ in their lives

- Confuses love and pity

- Looking for ‘victims’ that they can help

- Intense need to control and rigidity

- Lying, pathological lying, even when telling truth is just as easy

A person struggling with codependence will help others at all costs with the rationalization that they are rescuing a victim. A codependent will go to great lengths to help someone, including lying for them and giving them money. However, rescuing simply enables the codependent to remain in the state they are in as well as enabling the ‘victim’ to continue to make poor choices.

Codependents are ‘controllers’ and strive to control every situation by whatever means necessary. Their intentions are pure. However, their execution is poor. Codependent people don’t understand that the only person in the world that they can control is themselves. Once they come to understand this concept, they will be able to help the other dysfunctional people in their lives take responsibility for their own actions.

Recovering from codependency takes time and effort. The main goal of healing is to learn to take care of one’s self and to stop worrying about other people. One of the most important things a codependent person can do is to get into touch with their own feelings, emotions and actions while maintaining a healthy distance from other people’s problems and affairs. It’s important for a codependent to learn to take care of their own needs.

In short, codependents need to learn how to detach and use their energy to satisfy their own needs instead of another’s needs. A codependent has to understand their own personal boundaries and let other people know what those boundaries are.

Do you or your loved ones exhibit these symptoms of codependency?

- Feeling obliged to solve other people’s problems

- Feeling responsible for other people, even when it’s not necessary

- Attempting to take care of other peoples feelings

- Displaying anger at injustices done to other people, but ignoring injustices done to themselves

- Only feeling ‘safe’ when doing things or giving things to other people.

- Guilty feelings when someone gives something or does something for them

- Low self-esteem

- Consistently worrying, thinking and talking

- Lack of interest in one’s own romantic life

- Accepts abuse from others so they wont be alone

- Maintaining a pattern of bad relationships

If you answered ‘yes’ to more than three of the above statements, then you may be dealing with codependency. There are many good self-help books to help you recover from codependency that will help you rebuild your self esteem and re-define your emotional boundaries. You can also contact you’re a local 12-step program like AlAnon, AA, or AlaTeen. They can help you find the services that will best meet your needs. You can also speak to a trained counselor, therapist or church pastor or priest.

Discovering you are codependent is not the end of the world. It’s time to rein in your feelings and emotions of inadequacy and find yourself again. Defining yourself is difficult to do no matter who you are.

It’s important to know that everyone is valuable including you! You deserve to take care of yourself before diving in to help someone else. It’s okay to help other people when they need you, or when you want to help. However, only do it on you terms. It’s not okay to help other people at your own expense. Help yourself first so that you can help others. You have to have enough energy to meet your own needs before you go and spend all your energy on someone else.

You need time to do something for yourself – reading, exercising, playing, taking a walk, going for a swim, and taking yourself out to breakfast. Do things you enjoy doing on your own. Learn to enjoy being by yourself.

Choosing healthy relationships is a key ingredient to defeating codependency. Many of your current relationships may be very draining for you. The people which surround you may be manipulative, cruel – even abusive. Do your best to remove yourself from these bad relationships. They will not help you get healthy. Instead, find new friends who really care about who you and what your goals and dreams are. If you have a best friend, ask him or her to keep you accountable. Tell them about the boundaries you are trying to re-establish. They can encourage you to keep going when you want to give up.

With practice and hard work, you’ll learn over time to break your habits of codependency. The road can be slow going, but you will make progress. Surround yourself with healthy people, read some good self-help books, and avoid toxic, life-draining people at all costs. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. You are worth it!

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