How to Fake Your Way Through a Fantasy Football Draft

Gentlemen, with the third week of the preseason over, it is officially Fantasy Football Draft season. You've likely signed up for a league or two, maybe more if you have a bunch of different groups roping you in. Only problem is, you forgot to know about football.

Happens. It's not your fault. Football isn't the most important thing in life, and SportsCenter only talks about the quarterbacks.

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But be that as it may, draft night will be the most important moment in your fantasy season. Not even because of the players (once you have your initial roster, it's just a matter of basic team upkeep and a lot of praying that your stars don't suffer crippling, season-ending knee injuries), but for the sake of not making an uninformed ass of yourself. But don't worry — you can definitely fake your way through it, if you act right. Just follow these steps:

1. Devise a Scheme for Your League's Draft Order.

This is a simple way for you to increase your perceived devotion to the league without actually knowing a damn thing about fantasy football. Our suggestion: Come up with some sort of competition, in which the winner gets the number one pick, second gets the second, and so on. Some collegiate classics include a Mario Kart tournament or a beer Olympics. Though you could also, say, go to a kid's birthday party and make bets on who will win the sack race. Or, less creepily, compete in a sack race yourselves.

2. Curse Out the Guy Before You for Picking "Your Guy."

This is crucial to getting the Serious Football Men in your league to view you as a Guy Who Knows His Fantasy Football. Plus, needlessly berating your opponents is part of the fun. If it's your good friend, go ahead and call him a nice name, like a fking asshole. If it's your coworker or boss, maybe think about going with something a little less direct, like a fking asshole with a delightful family. It's usually a pretty safe move, since you'll know a player was coveted once he's off the table. Just make sure the player is a position you still need to fill, or else you'll look like the asshole.

2A. Be Prepared with a Clever Defense in Case You Get Cursed Out.

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Your opponents are probably coming more prepared than you — they may even pore over analytical articles about football statistics for fun. Disturbing as this may seem, you don't have to simply submit to their superior football knowledge when they call you out. (It's actually more of a compliment than anything.) Smile like a smug sonofagun. Maybe toss in some raised eyebrows, but probably not a wink. And if he calls you out for making a bad pick, don't concede that he's right (he probably is); just tell him the jerk store called and they're running out of him. If no one appreciates your Seinfeld reference, leave the draft immediately.

3.Come with a Painful Fantasy Anecdote.

If the guys around you are serious fantasy nerds, during the draft, they may end up regaling you with wistful stories about "owning" guys like LaDainian Tomlinson or Priest Holmes in their prime. Don't feel left out — counter-regale them with a fake story about the fake teams with the players you never owned. The best is to talk about a time you got screwed over. Fantasy addicts love that. Maybe recall the time running back Brian Westbrook cost you a game when he laid down on the 1-yard-line to help the Eagles run out the clock and win a game. They'll love knowing the rare guy who was actually screwed by that. Your misfortune will be invaluable.

The point of this is to act like you've had past success with certain great players and you know your recent fantasy football history. If you want to make this comment, reserve it for a short list of elite players with plenty of experience, including (but not limited to) Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Adrian Peterson, and maybe Larry Fitzgerald. Just try not to act too snobby when you say it. And make sure you're not with a group of close friends who can detect when you're bullshting them.

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Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images

You should blend in. This guy? Not blending in.

5. Don't Wear a Damn Football Jersey to the Draft.

If you're gathering with your friends for a live draft, avoid the blatant sports attire. It's just too on-the-nose, and borderline sad (it spells out the fact that having a fantasy team is the closest you'll ever get to playing in the NFL, despite all your boyhood dreams and imagined Super Bowl-winning touchdowns). Wearing regular street clothes shows that you know this is just for fun, and your friends will know you're over the fact that you never went pro. Or even better, if it's on a weeknight, you can wear your nice work clothes to show you're so busy you couldn't even go home to change before the draft, whether that's true or not. This Busy Working Man façade can also come in handy when you make some of those horrible draft choices: "I was just too busy to do my normal research." (At least one if not all of your draftmates will sarcastically moan at this. But the reasoning will be out there.)

6. But: Do a Little Opposition Research.

Choose a player likely to get picked in the early rounds to absolutely rip apart once somebody grabs him. Keep it simple though. Don't mention that Reggie Wayne's 1,210 receiving yards last year were a fluke — just say that he's turning into a fossil (only 34, but that's actually completely old for a wide receiver). You could also read up on which players have been recently arrested, and tear into your friend for having low moral standards.

7. Agree with Everyone at Draft's End that You're Screwed.

The end of the draft is time for self-deprecation, even if you're generally satisfied with your picks. Saying things like, "What the hell did I just do?" and "Maybe next year" are always appropriate, and frankly, probably accurate. Even if you really blew it, other players will likely be too obsessed with their own failure in the draft to notice yours. Hopefully, by showing up, you've avoided being laughed at for having a ridiculously drafted team, like the guy who forgot the draft time and ended up getting four QBs auto-drafted, including Tim Tebow. Join in with everyone in making fun of him — he deserves it.

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