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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

I am going to be a millionaire! An eight-millionaire to be exact!

Now, before you start sending in your funding requests, keep in mind that I haven't actually collected the money yet, but I expect to, very soon. It's just a matter of completing the paperwork. Here's what happened.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from a Mr. Dawson, who is an account manager with a large investment banking firm in Hong Kong. He informed me that recently a relative of mine named M.K. Dubov had passed away in Hong Kong, leaving behind a sum of sixteen million, five hundred thousand US dollars in a bank account under his supervision . Being a man of integrity and possessed of a desire to help me and my family, he has offered to split the inheritance with us in exchange for our help in extracting the funds.

You see, even though I don't have a realtive named M.K. Dubov that I know of, Mr. Dawson has cleverly deduced that the account will in fact go to the first heir to claim it, and as M.K. left no other relatives, that 'heir' could in fact be me! I'll need Mr. Dawson's expert assistance in claiming the money because he has extensive knowledge of the company banking system and the laws regarding the transfer of large sums out of the country, so I think it's worth the half of the sixteen million. In fact, I even offered to give him the extra five hundred thousand just as a finder's fee. Heck, with eight million in the bank, what will I do with a few extra hundred thousand bucks?

Yes, that's right, I did write him back. I know, I've heard that if an offer sounds too good to be true, it probably is, but in this case, what have I got to lose? I figured that even if he doesn't deliver the entire eight million, I'm going to get a at least a million or two, right? That's more than enough to get us out of debt and provide a security blanket, so to speak, for the upcoming recession/depression.

Now, I had to fib a bit to get his attention and to make sure he would give me the money as promised, so when he told me that I shouldn't tell anyone, I said I was keeping it hush-hush, even though I always intended to tell you, dear Reader, about it so you could share in my great good fortune! I also told a little white lie about needing money for a fax machine, (I could use the one at work) but if he's really got his finger in that sixteen million dollar honey pot, I figure he can send me just a bit to prove it's real. Clever idea, huh?

So, here is what I wrote to him. I created a fake email address that goes to "John Smith" but since he already knows my name and address, I went ahead and signed it like I always do: Take care, Phillip.

My letter to Mr. Dawson:

Dear Mr. Dawson,

I received your wonderful letter and offer today in the mail and want to write and thank you.

Although your generosity and concern for my welfare greatly warms my heart and fills me with enthusiasm and hope, it is not simply the prospect of financial security and freedom that has me so excited. It is, rather, the fact that you've filled a very important gap in my life and the life of my family.

You see, Mr. M. K. Dubov was my father! At first, I couldn't believe it, but as I read your wonderfully detailed letter, I realized that this was indeed the man who left my me, my mother and my seven siblings just over twenty years ago. Although we didn't know where he'd gone--he said he was going out for a pack of cigarettes--we knew that as an investment banker, he had likely gone off to the Far East to start a new life. After all, he'd made frequent trips to Hong Kong and China in the years running up to his disappearance, so it makes sense that that's where he moved after leaving us.

The sad thing is that my mother died, in abject poverty, last year, still not knowing the whereabouts of my father, M.K. (as he was known) or how we children would fare without any money after she died. We spent the two thousand dollars of her insurance money on the funeral, so she had a nice coffin and good headstone, but alas I still have no money to support myself or my siblings.

Then your letter arrived. Hallelujah! I don't know if you are a religious man, Mr. Dawson, but even if you are not, I think you can appreciate how grateful we are to the Lord for delivering you and your wonderful message of hope to me and my brothers and sisters. Just thinking of what we will do with the eight million dollars makes me all warm and happy already, and we haven't even received a cent! Imagine our joy the day the check arrives.

Now, about that check. I know there are some legal hassles we'll have to go through to get the money, but as you said in your letter, that will be your job. You are so amazing! I don't know how you will do it, but I think that since you are doing so much for us, you can keep the extra two hundred fifty thousand dollars and just give us the eight million. After all, it's the least I can do for such a good friend!

I realize also that you are taking a big chance with your company to do this for us, so I have been very careful not to tell anyone about the letter--though I know everyone would be thrilled to discover that Dad had left us so much money--and will keep it under my hat, so to speak, till we have completed the transaction. Imagine the surprise on their faces! You must enjoy your job very much, bringing so much happiness to us, thank you!

Now, I don not have a fax machine yet, but I will go buy one. The only thing is, right now, I don't have any money, so I was thinking maybe you could advance me some of the eight million in order to buy the fax machine. They cost about two hundred dollars, but I have some other expenses right away so if you could send five hundred dollars, that would be great! Of course, you will deduct it from the final amount, and I think you should take a little extra for yourself while you are at it. The question is, how do you want to send it to me? I can give you my address to send the check, but I was thinking that a wire transfer might be faster. I can go to Western Union downtown on my bike to pick it up as soon as you give me the word. Then, I'll go buy the fax and we can get to work! This will be so exciting!

Ok, I have to go now, but I look forward to hearing from you very soon.