Book Summary: Magic Words

Why this book? We all want to lead and influence others, but nobody wants to be influenced. How then can you influence others as a leader?I've had a strong fascination for the brain's cognitive biases, the fallacies we exhibit without even being aware of them. They can be used to move us in the right direction - as a good leader would, or to take advantage of us - as a con artist would. Knowing the biases and recognizing them day-to-day is something I'm practicing.With that in mind, I read this book as a collection ofpsychological tricks - ways to get people's attention, create positive associations and ultimately break down sales resistance to your ideas. To be fair he authors didn't write it exactly with this intent - they talk about each technique in ways that a "good salesperson" will use them. Obviously they can just as easily be used by black-hat salespeople to fleece you.The other important thing is that this book makes you aware of how small daily interactions, positive or negative, can leave others with a lasting impression of you and influence their decision making towards your ideas.IntroductionA true human connection is a must-have if you want to successfully influence someone else.

Generating motivation is the first key to get results

Directing that motivation is the next problem - but one that only comes after the first key is in place

The magic words:

Yes

But

Because

Their name

If

Help

Thanks

#1. YES

Be willing to find a way to make a positive connection with any human being.

"Yes" is not just about the word - it's about the attitude.

Example: marriage counselors can tell within 5 minutes whether or not a couple has a chance. Researchers have identified 6 early signs of divorce (any 1 is bad), most of them have to do with saying "no" to your partner in one way or another.

Sign 1: Any of the The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse:

Contempt (“I am morally superior to you” - exact opposite of yes)

Criticism

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

A contemptuous sneer is the most damaging physical expression you can give someone. It causes actual physical and psychological harm.

Sign 2: Failed Repair attempts

Rejecting an apology, olive branch, gesture that the other partner is making towards reconciliation.

6 of 7 ways to fix a marriage involve saying “Yes” more and more. For example:

Create shared experience

Acceptance

Let your partner influence you (accept their influence)

Bridge conflict

Have admiration

How to use Yes to create positive associations:

Technique: Ask future-tense questions where the answers are Yes.

- The very act of saying Yes is magical.

- Priming subjects with positive-outcome questions makes them more inclined to saying “Yes" to other questions.e.g. “Can we fix this situation?"

Saying it too much gets people a reputation of being stuck up. They lose a lot by not taking risks.

When to say no:

- When your morals are threatened. Do not dilute your own qualities.

- Tell the truth when you’re committed elsewhere

- A mark of maturity is self discipline. Say no when it's the right thing to do.

- "A No uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a Yes uttered to please.” - Gandhi

How to say no:

- Remember: "No" hurts a lot more than yes. It feels bad a lot more to lose $50 than it feels good to win $50.

- Give yourself time. The hallmark of traditional y/n people is that they don’t think things through. Saying “I’ll think about it” is powerful.

- The Yes sandwich. e.g. If a student asks for an extension that the prof can't agree to, the prof can say “I can see that the grade is important to you. I can’t grant you the extension, but I can grant you partial credit for your work so far"

- Euphemisms - “I’m sorry, I can’t commit to that”, “I’d love to, but I can’t”. “I’m going to have to decline"

Life is a hell of a lot more fun when you say “Yes"

#2. BUT

The "but effect”: In any sentence, the thing that comes after the “but” is far more important than what comes before.

The enhancer: whatever comes after the ‘but’ is what people focus on

The eraser: whatever comes before the ‘but’ is ignored - especially if it’s the exact opposite statement of what came before the ‘but' statement

How to use it right:

- Change the emphasis (e.g. change the order to bad news first, then add the ‘but’ with the positive)

- Remove ‘but’, use ‘and’ instead

When to say it:

- To erase soft Nos - start with the disagreement, say ‘but’, then say what you hope to accomplish. "I know you can't buy life insurance right now, but I want you to think about the benefits of this to your family"

- Address unspoken soft Nos: “I know everyone is asking you for money this time of year, but you’re one of our best donors”… “I know you’re busy, but this is really important"

Technique: “And-linking”:

- e.g. “Let me show you around our gym, and then we can look at some numbers?"

- puts the likely-to-get-a-yes question in front, then links other questions to it.

Fighting intentional but-erasers:

how do you fight “I’d like to, but I can’t”?

- But-reversal: repeat back what they said to you, but with one small adjustment.

- e.g. “You can’t, but you’d love to?” - changes focus to the positive part, may not change the outcome, but at least changes how people end up feeling about the interaction.

All communication has a goal. You should know exactly what you want the other person to feel/do as a result of your interaction.

Q. What specific action do you want them to take?

Q. How do they need to feel in order to take that action?

#3. Because

Because satisfies our internal need for causality. It doesn’t completely eliminate the need for a logical reason, but it makes a huge persuasive push that your statement/directive is valid.

“May I cut in line, because I am in a huge rush?" - doubled rate of acceptance.

The brain only wants to feel like it has an explanation. Sometimes even if the reason is removed, the word “because” magically gives them the sense - e.g. “May I cut in line, because I need to buy some tickets?"

It has a magic effect on snap quick decisions.

For it to work on more complex problems, the “reason” has to ramp up as well.

“Because ___(one of Maslow’s 5 needs)" is really really compelling to individuals and difficult to ignore. However, some of them don’t appeal to others.

need to

have to

want to

choose to

love to

called to

"Need To"s are motivated - to show up. They hide and avoid work after that. They survive.

“Have To”s are motivated - but they don’t go above the call of duty. As long as the 40 hours give them the salary and benefits, they’re done.

“Want To”s do it because the alternative is worse, like staying home doing nothing. They are driven by the social aspect, office gossip, etc.

“Choose To” - wants to achieve success, but only serves personal gains. But struggles to be a team player.

-----

“Love To” - has a hard time telling between business and pleasure. Intrinsic motivation.

“Called To” - sees a bigger purpose and fulfillment. It’s not about money, but they give their all anyway.

Your “because” will never work unless you are motivated by something beyond earning a living. You have to change your perspective, or you can change your profession. There’s no excuse for a job that is miserable.

The grass is greener where it’s watered.

The Square Suggestion technique.

- e.g. “Think of a shape right now, such as a square, or a circle, or… whatever" - very likely does NOT get a square or circle as the answer.

- People always believe what they tell themselves. Mentalists use their words to manipulate the thoughts, beliefs and feelings of an audience.

- The brain loves shortcuts. The simplest answers are often the first choice. So if you put time pressure on someone, they are likely to choose their first answer.

- People want to be immune to suggestion. They want to think of their own idea, and feel like their thoughts are their own.

- True influence is about reading people, and bringing down defenses and opposition.

ABT (Advanced Because Technique) - get people to say “because” to themselves.

1. simple technique: ask “Why” over and over. That taps into the other person’s own becauses

- e.g. “Why should you be exercising more?” “Why are you looking to buy a Honda today?"

2. The trailing “… or ..."

- e.g. “Some people get into this for the money, but others do it for the mission, or the karma, ___(long pause)___ or __(long pause)___ any other reasons”. Their brains are creating and exploring what the other suggestions might be. How their mind fills the gap depends a LOT on your initial suggestions. It almost never happens that they’ll break the pattern.

Using “because” to lead:

- Never assume you know, or your team knows, what your team’s vision is.

The 2 minute Vision test

Answer the 3 questions below on a piece of paper. ACTUALLY WRITE IT DOWN. THINKING IT IS NOT ENOUGH:

1. What is your organization’s mission?

To further 10,000 client missions by 2030. To transform businesses by writing transformative software that they really need, not just want.

2. What is your department's mission?

To deliver software projects on time, on budget and with high quality

3. What is your mission as an employee?

To make a strong positive impact to my clients through quality software. To make a strong positive impact to my colleagues by leading, mentoring and coaching.

If they can’t write it down in under 2 mins, then clarity of vision is lacking.

People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it. They want to do business with people who think how they think - the business is an extension of their personal expression, community and belonging (the limbic system - lizard brain). That sells a lot more than features and prices (the neocortex). Think Apple v/s Samsung.

Find people who share your because.

#4. Their name

The brain’s job is to focus on what is important or not.

Levels of listening attention:

1. Top down (actively engaged) - very difficult to do - a conscious act of listening. Example: a classroom.

2. Bottom up (stimulus-directed response) - when you hear something out of place. Prioritized above the top-down by the brain. Hearing a person's name triggers this response in their brain.

2. Distrust - tends to show up in absolutes (“all salesmen are liars”)

Response: move them from absolutes to a realistic assessment of the situation. “What if this was an actual cure for your woes?"

3. Scrutiny (weighing pros/cons and feeling the negatives) - a thoughtful target starts thinking about the weaknesses of the proposition, and goes into analysis paralysis.

Response: “If i could show you a way to get all the benefits of this product, would you do it?"

- if you agree to that, you’re pretty much committed. after that you’d only be contradicting yourself.

4. Inertia (changing behavior patterns) - people tend to keep doing what they do - it’s the chasm between intention and action

- Response: generate the Anticipation of regret. e.g. “A lot can happen in a week. god forbid if something happened to you in that week and your family was left without insurance?” or “you’d be kicking yourself if you didn’t pick these guys and they won"

3. For when they can't

- If a child or employee says “I can’t do it”, and you retort with “yes you can” - you’re starting from an antagonistic point, and also dismissing their feeling. Instead do this:

- “What would you say if you did know?"

- Up the ante, take the hypotheticals up to the level they’re willing to go in saying "I can't". If they push, push back. See what happens.

- Add psychological encouragement. “I know you feel like you can't. But what would happen if you did?” - starts with agreement, makes the “can’t” feeling less permanent, adds a “but” eraser, then uses the If magic word

- Add more: “because i can think of 2-3 ways to get this done, and I am no way as creative and intelligent as you are"

4. For when they complain

Dealing with complainers:

- Sift through the negativity and find out what the issues are

- Repeat the list of grievances back. Get confirmation.

- ask for solutions

- provide a plan of action

- Wrap it up. Complainers don’t know how to end conversations.

They can’t get past step 3 because they get hung up on the “how”. You want to focus on the “what” - that’s where the IF bomb helps.

Thinking about positive (hypothetical) options

The deadly cousin of If: Then

Why it’s bad:

T: transactional

invokes market norms mindset (as opposed to social norms mindset - e.g. people helping each other out) -you’re thinking about benefit to you. you’re expecting a payout and your heart is not in it. People work more and better for a cause than for cash.

That’s why incentives don’t work. Kids get allowance if they clean their room? Or should kids clean their rooms because we are a family that cares about cleanliness

people who sabotage others or cut corners to get their transactional reward fix

E: extrinsic motivation

creates an external reward system - which is not where the best performance comes from

Self-determination gets subverted

External rewards also create competition, scrutiny and control - which all kill internal motivation

N: near sighted

Greatness and near sightedness are incompatible

“If” has great motivational potential, “then” makes it short-term

Intrinsic motivation is what you’re looking for, but in absence of that, extrinsic has to be applied. This is the basis of GAMIFICATION. Games can be motivating and addictive.

#6. HELP

A spectator is a detached, uninvolved person who just happens to be there.

Asking for help turns them into active participants.

For a performer, Audience Participation is key. You are just the “guide” leading them through an experience. You’re not the guru with all the answers.

Your job as a parent/manager/leader is to make yourself unnecessary to your children/reports/company. The goal is to make them independent. It’s a short term ego boost to feel needed, but it harms both parties in the long run.

Dependence

Interdependence

Independence

Ask for genuine help.

Plural Pronouns:

A successful strategy of CSRs

“let’s”, “we” - says I’m on your side. We’re in this together against a common enemy.