Rat on the Shelf

This time last year I called Elf on the Shelf out for what it is: a tool of extortion. This year, Santa’s little informant is getting even more popular — and hence, more annoying. There’s no point in arguing against this creepy little fink to parents, so for the first time ever, I am directing a blog post toward our children:

Hey, kids! Do you have an Elf on the Shelf in your house? What did you name him? Rudy? Bingo? Dave?

He sure is cute, and it’s so much fun to get up in the morning and see where he’s hiding. Every night he flies to the North Pole and tells Santa if you’ve been naughty or nice. Your Elf makes Christmas special!

But how do you know if he’s telling Santa the truth?

Some elves are evil, and they make up nasty stories about children. And when they fly to the North Pole every night, they tell tell Santa lies about you. These terrible stories make Santa think you’ve been bad, and that means he will bring you less toys.

There’s only one thing you can do: make you elf go away.

When everyone is sleeping, grab your elf before he flies to the North Pole and stop him. One thing you can do is go outside and put him in the garbage can. Or throw him down the sewer. Do you have a dog that likes to chew things? Give him the elf.

You can even put him under your mattress. That way he won’t be able to fly to the North Pole and tell Santa lies about you and ruin Christmas.

Remember: the elf is there to stop you from getting more toys. And after he’s gone if someone asks if you’ve seen him, deny, deny, deny.

I’ve never liked them. I found the idea revolting the first time I heard about it. If I ever manage to get someone to impregnate me, I don’t think I would ever do the Santa thing. Is misleading your children really all that fun?

As the old saying goes, children don’t come with an instruction manual, but if it did there would be something in there about using the Santa lie/myth to teach them a lesson. A NICE and valuable lesson — not a bitter lesson like the one I learned from David Ginsberg. Damn you David Ginsberg!!!

If everyone placed their spare Eddies on the New Jersey Turnpike, it might be a nicer place. One long-ass drive from DC last night with no shortage of angry people. Where else can you be tailgated when you’re driving 95 in the middle lane?