Tag Archives: sugar

After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly, claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.

Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.

However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.

Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:

“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”

We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.

But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.

Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading →

Following the news that homeopathic ‘treatments’ may be added to the list of ineffective things that doctors are not allowed to prescribe, fans of the sugar pills with nothing else in them have started to realise that the technique may be ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.

The controversial practice is based on the concept that easily-led people are likely to pay for anything which sounds cosmic, but the most ardent adherents are now noticing that even after much expense, they still seem to have hayfever, cancer or the clap. Continue reading →

Pure, white and deadly. You’ll live longer if you stop eating it but you’ll be lonely without all the friends you bored to death by constantly wilfing on about how you quit.

Scientists are warning today that giving up sugar can lead to dangerous levels of smugness and isolation.

“We’re seeing more and more incidences of someone quitting sugar and then taking to Facebook to continually brag about their achievement and patronisingly urge everyone else to do the same,” said Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest. “The most hopeless cases are also posting lots of selfies with captions like #betterthanever and #postiveaboutme which family and friends find uncomfortable to witness. Especially if up until a few days ago the poster was the sort of person who would frequently try to eat their own body weight in pizza and whose only exercise was brushing their teeth a bit hard.” Continue reading →

With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.

And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.

“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”Continue reading →