This is the first and most important task of marriage and the primary responsibility for a husband and wife. In the Shevah Brachot that are read at every Jewish wedding, we bless the bride and groom that they should become "beloved friends." This is the foundation of any good marriage and it is something that must be worked on constantly.

People often erroneously think, that friendship is something you either have or don't have. You either like someone or you don't. Fortunately, we know that a fundamental psychological truth is that we can create loving feelings by acting in loving ways. Many couples don't try hard enough and give up, because they falsely believe in the romantic notion that "love is a happening." They think that cupid either hits you with the arrow or he doesn't; it's out of human control.

At the end of six months, the man was madly in love with the woman he couldn't stand six months ago!

I'm reminded of a story that Dr. Laura told on her radio show about the man who decided he had to get a divorce because he no longer loved his wife. Unfortunately, circumstances were such that he could not file for the divorce for six months, and so he was stuck with his unlovable wife. But being a reasonable man, he decided that for the heck of it, he would make the most of the situation by making a list of all the things he would do, if he truly loved his wife. He then began doing these things. At the end of six months, he was madly in love with the woman he couldn't stand six months ago!

In order to improve an average marriage or to repair a damaged one, we must understand that it is necessary to work at being friends and lovers. The key lies in what we do. Here are some guidelines:

• Stop having bad fights.

To become good friends you must know the difference between a good fight and a bad fight. A bad fight results in one or both of you ending up feeling hurt and damaged. You feel that you have not been heard or understood. There's no resolution that leads to the inevitable growth of resentments. Bad fighting on a regular basis almost always leads to divorce, so if you're having them, you must stop them immediately.

Instead of verbal fights, some couples have silent fights, where issues are constantly pushed under the rug and ignored. This is also a "bad fight" because the result is the same. The Torah tells us, "Turn from bad and do good." You can't begin to be friends until you turn from the bad, which in this case, means refraining from this kind of damaging conflict.

• Spend time enjoying each other.

As obvious as this sounds, for many couples this is a big secret. Dr. William Doherty, author of the book, Take Back Your Marriage, has based his entire marriage counseling on this one principle. He points out that most marriage problems are the result of a husband and wife not spending enough time together. How can you have a chance at being friends if you the majority of your time together is spent having conversations about the business or managing your family? Simply taking walks together can do wonders for building your friendship. Date night is essential. Once a week might be too difficult for the average stressed-out couple with children, but do it on a regular basis.

• Develop love and intimacy rituals.

Doherty points out that we need to develop good "connecting" rituals. The more we turn towards our spouse, rather than turning away from each other, the more positive sentiment we produce.

For example, how do you greet each other at the end of the day? One husband had his own "greeting ritual," where he would come home, find his three kids and give them a hug, and then go to his room for twenty minutes, change his clothes, flip on the TV and watch the news. Finally moving towards the kitchen, where his wife was cooking dinner, he'd greet her with something like, "We have to eat quickly tonight in order to make the PTA meeting!" Now how's that for a love ritual that promotes closeness and friendship!

A husband and wife decided to imitate the affectionate greeting of their dog with astounding results.

Here's a much better "greeting ritual" which another couple came up with. The husband noticed how his dog greeted him. Every night without fail, as soon as he walked in the door, the dog would come running, tail wagging, and jumping all over him with delight. Being a man of great wisdom, he realized that maybe he could learn something from his dog! He proceeded to ask his wife if they could try greeting each other as their dog greets them. So get this picture in your mind. When he walks in the door, the two of them race towards each other, smiling and laughing and expressing how wonderful it is to see each other. It worked so well, they've been doing it for ten years. And imagine the positive impact it has on the children.

A little too much for you? Fine. But could you and your spouse find a better way to greet each other -- the way you'd greet each other if you really liked each other and were good friends?

• Schedule in romance.

Here's one of the most profound pieces of advice I can give you: Don't wait for intimacy to happen; schedule it. Doesn't sound very romantic, I know. But it works. Because when you both agree to make time for each other, you'll be more motivated to enjoy the time you have together. And that "magic moment" you're waiting for may never arrive.

• Don't cause pain; give pleasure.

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin calls this the "golden rule of marriage." Have you every heard of friends who are careless about whether they cause each other pain or not? What sort of friend causes his friend pain? Yet, husbands and wives often do. The main reason is that they don't think about what the consequences of their words and actions.

Everything you say or do either brings you and your spouse closer together or pushes you further apart.

There is no such thing as down time when you are with your spouse. Everything you say or do either brings you and your spouse closer together or pushes the two of you further apart.

Try this for two days: Both you and your spouse make a commitment to keep a journal of all your interactions with each other, noting whether you acted in a way that promoted friendly feelings or negative feelings. Try to be conscious of every decision you make in your spouse's presence.

At the end of the two days, sit down and compare notes. How did it feel? Did you feel any improvement in your relationship? If you're serious about truly being "beloved friends," it's hard to believe that you would not make a commitment to apply this principle for the rest of your life!

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 29

(29)
Melanie,
February 17, 2012 1:56 AM

Loved this!

(28)
Anonymous,
September 10, 2010 4:44 AM

Yea the steps are really very good. But from my seventh months marriage experience I feel, a couple should be very much transparent so that they can feel any matters in the sameway. love unconditionally and care alot. Also shows importance of spouse in life. That helps to spend a very happy life.

(27)
arianna williams,
May 9, 2010 3:32 AM

I love these steps;it's really gonna help with my marriage

(26)
SC,
February 28, 2009 8:15 AM

Wonderful Article

I love my wife and it's articles like this that remind me of what I can choose to do in order to show my love and affection to her. It truly is amazing what a little effort with true humility can accomplish in marriage.

(25)
PAULA,
August 4, 2008 2:21 PM

ITS GOOD TO KNOW YOUR OUT THERE FOR MANY MARRIAGES!!!

IT GIVES ME HOPE FOR MY FUTURE WITH MY HUSBAND, ITS THE SMALL THINGS YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED OF TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK. THANKS I'M WORKING ON GETTING MY BEST FRIEND BACK!!!

(24)
sherry house,
December 28, 2006 8:41 AM

thanks for being on line

very informative...am sending to my friends and children..

(23)
Chaim,
May 27, 2006 12:00 AM

Thanks for the wake up call

It is so refreshing to find new ways to express my love and gratatude to my wife.

(22)
Manuel,
May 21, 2006 12:00 AM

Begin the day with an act of kindness

I' ve decided to begin everyday with a mitzva, an act of kindness toward my first "third party", my wife

She used to prepare breakfast for me, now I use to prepare breakfast for her and take it to bed with a happy expression on my face

(21)
Anonymous,
April 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Great

I went looking for some advice for my rocky marriage and this article was fabulous. It hit the nail on the head. I even sent it to my husband so that he could understand what I have been trying to explain for 10 years.

(20)
Liz,
February 17, 2006 12:00 AM

Its true

I have worked this synerio before while an ex was in AA. I was told to treat my partner as a friend. It does work when both of you try

(19)
Julianne Slayden,
January 31, 2006 12:00 AM

Very common-sense approach

The five objectives for a successful, fulfilling marriage that Rabbi Heller proposes in this article are realistic, attainable, and sensible. Should be required reading for married and soon-to-be married couples. Great work!

(18)
PENNY JONES,
October 22, 2002 12:00 AM

THIS IS SO TRUE

TONY AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FIVE YEARS AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT THESE ARE 5 EXCELLENT SUGGESTIONS. AMAZINGLY WE USE THEM ALL. ALL OF OUR FRIENDS SAY THAT IT IS AS IF WE HAVE A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN. THE ALWAYS LOOK TO US FOR ADVICE YOUNG AND OLD EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED FIVE YEARS. SO DO NOT HESITATE TO TAKE THIS ADVISE SERIOUSLY. IT IS SOOOO TRUE

(17)
Cyndi,
September 15, 2002 12:00 AM

I wish I had read this months ago. I am the bad wife who would not be a friend to her husband. He has now had an affair with someone he met online. We have 4 children and are soon to be grandparents. He does not know if he loves her or not. He says he still loves me, But im not sure he loves me more than just being the mother of his children. I want to work this out with him, he agreed to go to counseling with me. Is it too late for us. I always wanted to be his friend. I really did. I still do, but I dont know how to do that. I need help. I need him in my life, I love him soo much. I just wish that I could have shown him.

(16)
Anonymous,
July 10, 2002 12:00 AM

A wise, wonderful article!

Suggestions such as these are just what I am looking for. My fiance and I are getting married next spring, and I am determined that it will be the best that it can be (i.e., that we both will be happy and pleased w/our marriage). I don't want to wait to apply ways to improve a marriage that has gone stale; I want to work on it and stay committed to its success from the beginning. Thank you so much for a wise and wonderful article.

(15)
Michael Stein,
March 17, 2002 12:00 AM

Sounds Great!

It is not only marvelous in its simplicity, but is practical...now do you have any advice on how to get my wife to read this and join me in the effort?

(14)
Anonymous,
October 15, 2001 12:00 AM

GREAT ARTICLE

I enjoyed this outlook very much as I am working thru some of this stuff in my marriage.

(13)
Patti Zentara,
October 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Marriage~

Read when you are together~

(12)
J H,
September 24, 2001 12:00 AM

Excellent Tips!

I am living with my husband of 23 years and we are very much apart. There were times when I did not think I could remain in this situation. I know there is hope.

(11)
Carol Greskowiak,
September 9, 2001 12:00 AM

Wisdom

This article displayed much wisdom in attaining a God-centered marriage relationship.

(10)
Tony LAM,
September 2, 2001 12:00 AM

Your advice gives me a new insight towards the marriage.

The above advice is very useful to the people who trys to maintain a stable marriage relationship with the spouses.

(9)
Usaia Bulai,
August 27, 2001 12:00 AM

Great! This is great!
My wife and I are living separately for the past 1.5 months. 2 of our children are with me and the third (1 year old) is with her. Last week I gave her an ultimatum. I've been praying and fasting for them to come back,since day 1. Last weekend was glorious when they came home to spend 3 days.
We had a great talk and both agree to start afresh. WHAT YOU HAVE HERE(5 STEPS TO A GREAT MARRIAGE) I THINK WILL GREATLY HELP US. We were discussing along this lines. I sent her some beautiful flowers and a card last Friday, something that I never do in our 11 year marriage. We both agree to go out just the two of us at least once or twice in a month. We both agree not to have any secrets. We both agree to solve any trouble/quarels or differences instantly and donot leave it unsolved before day ends.
Now she has gone back with our baby, with a delighted heart for both of us, our first outing will be this coming Thursday night.I'm looking forward to it.
I'm going to print this 5 STEPS and let her read. SOMETHING THAT WE DESERVE AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
I know that the Lord often work wonders and also answers prayers mysteriously.

God bless this column.

(8)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2001 12:00 AM

Excellent, helpful articles - Thank you!

I'm so happy to have discovered this site. But it is not easy to stop reading here - so much good information.

(7)
Hernan Silguero,
August 9, 2001 12:00 AM

Great Article

Congratulations you doing a great job,
may the Almighty bless you.

(6)
Geoff Weinberg,
August 7, 2001 12:00 AM

How Refreshing

Thanks for a great article - so refreshing in this crazy world. My late Zaida always taught me that in the word "Wedding", "we" comes before "I" - how true!

(5)
Pearl Fiber,
August 6, 2001 12:00 AM

opinion of article

Your article inspires me to be try to be a good wife and friend to my future husband. Thank you so much for this article. I look forward to your future advice.

(4)
George Zevallos,
August 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Great advice

Too often couples remind each other of previous mistakes and this causes pain and anger, I suggest that couples make an effort in forgetting the past and focus on their present and future, setting aside all differences caused by previous mistakes, setting new goals and focusing on them, making these goals little milestones where both can feel comfortable.

(3)
Peter Jacobson,
August 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Terrific brief commentary!

Much wisdom in Rabbi Heller's commentary. I have held this thought but alas in the past did not practice it sufficiently. This reminder could not be put more eloquently. And when, if I should be so blessed as to have the opportunity once more to have a partner with whom to practice this kind of behavior, I will bear in mind this insightful counsel.

(2)
mary franklin,
August 5, 2001 12:00 AM

insightful, positive, and worth doing

i've found in our marriage that when we were apart for 2 months because of a hospital stay and the time taken to heal, there was love but we became strangers, and had to get to know each other all over again. but it is worth learning each other again, marriage is an investment in yourself and your partner.

(1)
Anonymous,
August 5, 2001 12:00 AM

very informative

the advice was extremely helpful (and im emailing it to my married friends) its a shame that there arent many articles which discuss the area of improving physical intimacy

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!