Wednesday, May 02, 2007

This is what high school must be like.

And I feel like a naked retard. And I want keep it on, and maybe add a layer in case I get stupid.

Why oh WHY can't I just be friends without wanting to...well...make it more...?? This friend is crashing at my house while he takes care of some business locally. We would have partied this weekend (given it is a kid-free weekend) but I'd already agreed to hotel a group of girlscouts from my friend Jaybird's troop as they visit DC.

It is so much safer in my hard candy shell. Really. Happy there. I know the rules, I'm in charge, I'm CONFIDENT in that shell. The sweet, oooey, gooey center doesn't serve me well in these instances. I have too much blinding, serene hope-- and mindless stupid romantic notions.

So I made up an excuse about needing to be in work today. Then I wavered. And I checked my schedule. Two meetings, I could be out by noon. But I still wasn't committed.

I mentioned it to someone at work who suggested that I immediately cancel the freakin' meetings and go hang with my friend....hard candy shell aside, he'd be a blast to do something with on a warm spring afternoon.

And I can't concentrate because he's said several times that he thinks the guy in the 'Melting Waking Dream' is him. I, of course, played it off. And he work a crisp white t shirt yesterday. And we went for drinks and talked for HOURS (which really isn't a stretch for me but it has been a long time).

It was all I could do not to cuddle up next to him on the couch last night. I can't tell you how I wanted to smell that shirt. Feel that feeling. But I didn't. And ya'll know what a big deal it is for me NOT to do exactly what I want to at the exact moment that I want to.

So I sent him a message on myspace this morning that asked, 'Do you WANT to be the guy in the white shirt?' Which totally blows that outer candy shell layer of rejection protection. Well, even scarier, what if he says yes. THEN WHAT? (it is sort of funny that he's in my house on my couch on my laptop getting that message)

I left him a VM that I'm out of here at noon. I'm going to do my meetings and get outta here. And hopefully have a great afternoon.

{gasp!} Either way it will be good. I wish I could recall that message. WHERE THE EFF DID MY OUTER COVERING GO?

I'm scheduling a panic attack at 12PM. Or, I'll go home and try to play it cool and it will be a Saturday night live skit. I'm retarded. Absolutely in 9th grade and retarded.

9 comments:

being cool is entirely overrated. if it's supposed to be more than friendship, there isn't a whole lot you can control about that. i hope you can embrace your ooey gooey center and just be YOU. you're fabulous. let him see all of you.

does that sound like i am encouraging nakedness? if the mood strikes you...

I totally know how you feel. It's scary when we step out of our "stuck in a frumpy old rut" world and start living again - because it can be very scary. We can get hurt that way. But it's worth it girl! And you deserve all the good stuff that goes with it. :)

Go for it! He really is a really nice looking guy! I could say more but would give away my being anonymous.You only live once and get hurt a whole bunch. Just guard your heart and after a while it doesn't hurt so much!! Be happy! Enjoy it!

Everyone is retarded when they try to show someone they are interested...we learnt how to deal with the opposite sex in Middle School and our Frieshman year in HS and nothing much changes...but its still fun. ~grin~