I decided to venture onto the Family and Friends board. I read one post and I immediately began to feel my anger level rise.

The myth that men who are sexually abused go on to become abusers is complete BS. And yet, I can't help but feel pigeon holed into that category. It seems that at every corner men continue to be denied the resources to heal and recover. And societal support, whether the structured or through peers is in fact a resource. How can we ever heal if we feel alienated all the time? By the same token, if men who are sexually abused go on to become abusers, then the same can be said about women. And yet we don't extend that logic to women. That is the a huge double standard.

What do men have to do to raise awareness about these issues? Do I have to scream at the top of my lungs until someone hears me? Have we not suffered long enough? As if those of us actively pursuing recovery and healing should be lumped into the same category as the very people who abused us. That does not bode well with me, at all. I understand the need to protect children, but does it not seem logical to have those who's childhoods were destroyed lead the crusade. Who better to inform and spread awareness than someone who has seen the horrors of sexual abuse?

This infuriates me. The poster has a reason to want to protect her children, and I respect that 100%. I just feel like we're always swimming against the current. There is a lack of services for men in general, the help that is out there is in short supply or geared to women, we are not allowed as men to be victimized, and society condemns us by assuming we are all going to turn into perpetrators. The odds are stacked against us.

What kills me is the fact that everyday I come here at MS and read post after post where men are pouring themselves out. Finally admitting to the hurt that's inside, and it wrenches me and my eyes fill with tears. It hurts to hear your stories, but I want every man on this board to know that I will hear you. Every plea and every effort to reach out, I will not deny you. It hurts me more than anything to hear that ME and YOU are being thrown into the same group of people that killed our childhoods. We have worked damn hard to get here, and we deserve to be heard and we deserve a life worth living.

i have stopped going to F & F - except very occasionally - because i often get triggered worse there than any other place.

so - take care of your self, man - we are here for you.

Lee

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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

I hate the fact that somehow even though i could Never lay a hand on another child , I think because I have been Very public about my abuse and on some levels still advocate male sexuel abuse . I still can not shake the feeling that I do not even want to be left alone with anyones child for fear of their thoughts or my own insecurities it sucks . I am a youth minister and there are some kids i no i could spend a little more one on one time to be a positive male influence in there life but I am literally terrified that people would automatically assume the worst . Not only is it a personal dilemma for me it is a spiritual issue as well because i should trust God and i no the enemy does nor want me to influence these kids in a godly manner and if i no god did not put the spirit of fear in man i should renounce this and just do what he has called me to so , i no i am borderline with the spirituality talk in this forum so enough about that

The only way to get over this is to be vocal to speak up and speak out if we only think about these things bur never do anything about it mainly for fear also about what others think than we will keep going round in circles

So starting now i guess i will be doing my part as a survivor that is now a thriver to bring more awareness to this issue and confront my own issues head on. I will talk to my pastor about my issues for guidance on how to handle the kids i feel a need to work with and even involve the parent so that everything is out and the issue gets confronted instead of living in this fear while others will suffer and i would continue suffering by not confronting the issue .

So i guess while reading your post and in the midst of replying i have had a spiritual revelation to stop running and just choose to be vocal about this and just not allow it to control me the same way my abuse used to control me until i confronted my abuse and spoke up about it and confronted it

Now this is what i got out of this whole thing i am not implying that you have not dealt with this issue or telling you or anyone else what to do or how to do it i am just saying for me this is what i have to do

Most importantly, but you know that it is not true that sexually abused children go one to become sexual abusers - absolutely not true! What is a however true, though very sad, is that most paedophiles and sexual molesters were at some point sexually abused in their childhood! What makes the difference is a huge variance from disclosure, validation, support, therapy and the nature and duration of the abuse. Some were never given a chance!

To lump everyone together makes my blood boil! I think I am probably more angry than you are about this matter. I remember 2 mothers of sexually abused children telling me they better shut up about the sexual abuse of their boys by their respective fathers because of fear that people will accuse the children of paedophilia when they are adults! It was the most stupid and ill-informed thing I have ever heard! They kept sending their boys over to their fathers and the children kept returning home raped! I told them the despondency and helplessness their children suffered on top of the terrible trauma of this heinous abuse is more devastating than their stupid unfounded fear of something that may happen in the future which has not happened, whilst they are ignoring the atrocities that was happening to their children right now.

What would interest you is that these two mother did not know each other yet shared the same views!

I would put my head on the chopping board to save my kids from further abuse, support them to ensure they have the best start ever; and hopefully grow into well-adjusted adults. We have difficulties with nightmares, disclosures, self-harm, defecating and urinating on self, but we are praying and trusting God to heal my children and myself from this horrible trauma.

To think that after what we've been through, some ignorantly points the finger at my son or any other child sexual abuse survivor who is doing their damndest to get on with life - I will personally see RED! It's just not fair - and it is not even true or supported by research.

So calm down and put it down to insufficient knowledge or knowledge deficiency!

ALovingMum.

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Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

Most importantly, but you know that it is not true that sexually abused children go one to become sexual abusers - absolutely not true!

Thank you. I'm glad some people know this, and please continue to spread this truth. But -

Originally Posted By: ALovingMum

What is a however true, though very sad, is that most paedophiles and sexual molesters were at some point sexually abused in their childhood!

Not true.

It is true that most convicted sex-offenders CLAIM to have been sexually abused, but the moment researchers started using lie detectors, the figure dropped to 30%. This article suggests that even that is grossly exaggerated.

IMO, this myth is much loved by the media, and by defence attorneys, because it is so effective at drumming up support and sympathy for sick men (and women) who callously destroy defenceless children's lives and souls, for their own pleasure, regardless of whether it is about power and dominance, or sex.

Thank you for the support. Lee, as always your support means much to me. NTL, I am glad this post was able to shine a light into an area that you have struggled with.

ALovingMum,

Thank you for your validation. I greatly appreciate the time and effort you put into your post. This is a place of healing and recovery, and one that has saved my life. I come here every day, read many posts and support in any way I can. I learn about myself, about others, and about recovery. I know the work that goes into healing. I have done it, I am still doing it, and I will continue to do it.

I was angry when I wrote the post, but now that some time has elapsed, I realize I was hurt. Hurt because I too want to have the chance to be a father, and having that chance stripped away from me for something I never chose angered me. We all strive to be good men, we are good men. Everyone of us. I took these feelings and posted them on my blog.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience Leoturski. Personally I've never encountered any opinions like this in the family and friends section...but I can imagine. People are just so misinformed in general. Don't let ignorance hinder you to keep on going. I'm sure one day you will be rewarded with a loving partner and an even more loving child.

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