The complete list of every secret Jeremy Corbyn leaked to the Soviets

The British tabloids have bravely reported that Jeremy Corbyn was a Soviet collaborator. And we say bravely, because no one else was courageous enough to report the accusations of a former spy who claimed to have arranged Live Aid on behalf of Czechoslovakia.

Thatcher used the milk she stole from children to feed her army of genetically-perverted flying monkeys.

Walking is good exercise, but you have to do a lot of it.

Birmingham isn’t real. It was invented in 1967 as a means of repelling tourists from the secret training facility of our Olympic curling team.

The government’s attempt to grow a Tory super-politician went awry when the petri dish of genetic material was repeatedly contaminated with rat faeces and glue. As a result, PROJECT BORIS JOHNSON was deemed to be a failure.

UB40 was an MI5 front for smuggling Branston Pickle into Jamaica.

We do actually drive on the right side of the road. We just pretend not to when tourists are around for a laugh.

Conspiracy

Some people are saying this comprehensive list of leaked secrets isn’t very credible, as it was handed to the tabloids by a man who was wearing his underpants on his head. A spokesperson from The Sun responded by saying:

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