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Galactic Comedy Oneshots (G-R)

Well, I present my series of [mainly] comedy oneshots featuring Team Galactic. Main ships are InfraRed [yey!], Jovian [pwn], and Betelgeuse [oi]. The ratings vary from innocent to rather naughty, depending on the shot. Feel free to request prompts/ships and I'll do my best to write a good one. ^^ Please review and make constructive criticism and let me know if I'm too OOC, too short/long, bad description/whatever else. Note a bunch of shots are written already, so editting may be minimal. The prompt for each shot is at the top. What's the first one about, and it's rating? PG-13, why? Hehe, take a look and find out. ^^

Just exactly WHY there’s a sign in the Team Galactic Nap Room informing you to ensure the bed is unoccupied before entering it…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Cyrus heard the distressed scream of his top, favorite commander, Mars, floors above her in his lonely, dark office.

She is most likely attempting to make herself a sandwich and cut herself, as usual, he reasoned to himself, reclining back in his chair to count the Master Balls he had up on his wall containing rare or shiny Pokemon.

Suddenly he heard a knock at his door, most unexpected, considering the only person who ever willingly visited him was Mars, and she certainly hadn’t had the time to run to his office from wherever she was.

“Enter,” he called out to this visitor.

A pudgy grunt waddled in, half a huge, foot tall and long sub sandwich in one hand.

“Um, Cyrus sir, can you, uh, come look at this? We have a little problem, thing,” he spluttered out, still chewing a large bite of food.

“Very well. Lead the way to the location of this incident,” Cyrus agreed, standing up and following the slow-moving grunt down the stairs.

“Commander Mars, you are acting very immaturely. Settle yourself immediately. MARS!” he yelled at her, but she knocked Pudge E. Grunt over and kept scurrying about.

Cyrus grabbed her and lifted her into the air as her feet flailed about. She soon realized she wasn’t standing on solid ground anymore and opened her eyes to look around.

“Oh, hello Cyrus. Like, OMG, you have to see this, it’s so sick and wrong! It’s completely disgusting, I’m mentally scarred for life, it’s just plain disturbing!” she squealed, somehow darting out of Cyrus’ grasp and hugging him.

There were a multitude of other grunts and scientists bumming about with rather ill faces.

“Um, this way, Cyrus, sir,” Pudge E. Grunt instructed, walking on towards an area Cyrus well knew. Mars just latched onto him and wrapped her legs around his waist, making him carry her along.

This is NOT how I like to start my afternoon. Commander Mars is acting highly illogical and emotional, my employees look stoned, and the chubbiest member I have has been relegated to doing all this walking, what is going ON here? Cyrus thought to himself, glaring at Mars, who just batted her eyelashes at him.

What is she doing? Cyrus pondered, eying her strangely.

“Um, look in there… and you’ll see the problem, thing,” the helpful grunt bowed and ran away, er, he tried to run, that is.

“Oh Cyrus it’s horrible and nasty and weird! Of course it wouldn’t be so bad if it was you and me, but THEM, ugh! Ew! Like, totally SICK!” Mars rambled as Cyrus attempted to shake her off, but failed.

He peered into the Team Galactic Nap Room and spotted a rather large lump of sheets violently thrashing and the bed beneath them trembling.

“What is the meaning of this haunting of the bed linens in this room upon this certain sleeping area?” he demanded, scanning the room for anyone else.

“Inform me as to how it happened they decided to share a bed. And what in the name of Arceus are they doing in it?” Cyrus asked, most likely not the most intelligent thing he could’ve asked the most flirtatious commander who adored him.

“Weeeeell… Saturn was looking at the videos from the secret cameras he put in Jupiter’s room, namely the seven he has in her shower, and he decided he wanted the real thing. So he knows that after watching Scooby Doo Where Are You with him she always goes and takes a quick nap in the very center bed. So he ran right after the episode was over, hopped in, and waited.

“Now because Jupiter’s such a stupid idiot she didn’t notice the Saturn-sized lump in the bed and she got in. I always told you she was a brainless bozo and you should never have hired her! She’s completely clueless! You’d think one would have enough sense to ensure one’s bed was empty before getting in without needing a sign to remind you or something.

“So, she’s in there, and she feels something breathing on her chest. She wonders what it is, when it licks her. Naturally she likes it and decides to see what it is. Bam, there’s Saturn, taking off her clothes and sucking on her. So what does she say? ‘Oooooh Saturn, that feels sooooo good, keep it uuuuuup!’ So he does, until they’re both naked and then they start having full-on sex. In the bed. In the open. With no door. It’s practically a public place!

“The rest of us have been playing an extremely intense huuuuuge game of Monopoly and our brains are wasted from trying to count all the money and spaces, so we want to take some naps too! But what do we find? THOSE TWO FOOLS SHAGGING EACH OTHER! I mean, how can you fall asleep with that screaming and moaning going on? Seriously, do something about it Cyrus honey, like, maybe we should try and outdo them to teach them a lesson,” Mars explained, winking at him and rubbing up against her boss at the end.

“What are you implying?” Cyrus asked her, completely oblivious to her advances.

“Ooooooh, forget it! Just get rid of them, AND that bed, nobody will EVER use it AGAIN!” she grunted, pouting and folding her arms.

“Very well. Commanders, I dictate you must remove yourselves from the furniture for sleeping and dispose of it, and never do this again. It is upsetting many other members, and if I had emotions it would upset me as well,” he called out to his commanders as they screamed very loudly at the same time before ceasing to move and becoming quiet.

“CYRUS?!” they both screamed and jerked their heads around to look at him and Mars, who had grabbed his arm and was smiling.

“Yes.”

“Oh, um, okay, uh, give us a second… we’ll be out in a moment…” Saturn eyed his boss warily as Cyrus dragged Mars out.

Soon two rather red and sweaty commanders emerged from the nap room looking at the ground.

“Get rid of the bed. I must go make a sign that hopefully you will read in the future,” Cyrus stated, walking off as Mars struggled to keep up with his long strides. So she jumped on his back and made him give her a piggy-back ride.

“Dang, that was good. Once we get the stupid bed outta there, wanna do it again in my room?” Jupiter asked Saturn, who readily agreed.

“Oh yeah baby, you’re so hot!” he smiled and gave her a thumbs-up as the stupid female commander giggled stupidly.

Meanwhile, in Cyrus’ office of DEATH…

“So Cyrus baby, whatcha makin’?” Mars wondered, sitting on his desk as he attempted to write with a large Sharpie on some poster board.

“A sign stating members must check to ensure the bed is unoccupied, what did you think I was making, a hole to China?” Cyrus rolled his eyes at her stupidity and wondered why he hired such stupid, pervy people.

“Um, no, I’m not THAT stupid! Besides, I know a few holes you’d be welcome to go exploring in anytime, if you know what I mean…” she winked at him and shifted position so she was sitting on the sign with her legs dangling on either side of him and wide open.

“Unfortunately, I do not comprehend the meaning of your illogical statement,” he commented, grabbing her hip and shoving her off his desk onto the floor as he finished the sign.

“OW! I was offering to have sex with you, you idiot! Why don’t you ever spend time with me?” she whined, attempting to pick herself up off the ground.

Cyrus walked by with the sign and yanked her up and threw her over his shoulder, proceeding like her weight wasn’t even there.

So Mars strained her arms and grabbed his rear, massaging it.

Cyrus didn’t even notice.

“I believe you are the person I spend the most time with. Considering I prefer to be alone this is naturally not that much,” he bluntly stated, calling for all the grunts and scientists he encountered to follow him.

“Oooooh, spend more time with me, why don’tcha? I can make you feel soooo good…” she simpered, letting go of his butt to nibble on his ear.

“Commander, I am not in the business of feeling anything, including pleasure or goodness. I am attempting to reshape the universe for the better. Besides, you are still 17, I would get arrested and thrown in jail due to your being a minor,” he retorted as Mars sighed.

“Who’s gonna teeeeeell?! Please?! OOF!”

Cyrus practically dropped Mars onto the floor as he entered the nap room with all the members in tow.

“Today we are gathered here to witness the inauguration of a new, necessary sign into this building. In fact, this sign is probably the most important sign we have ever seen. I shall read it to you, for those who have issues seeing or understanding the written English language, which is almost all of you.

“The sign states: ‘Team Galactic Nap Room. Ensure the bed is unoccupied before getting into it!’ We are already a useless team everyone laughs at; do not make our status any more pathetic than it already is. That is all,” Cyrus finished, hanging the sign on the well where the third, middle bed used to be.

“Oh yeah, we also only have two beds now, cause, seriously, who was ever gonna use that middle one again!?” Mars added, shooing all the members out, who seemed to understand what had been said.

“Saturn, Jupiter, limit your sexual intercourse to private areas, such as either of your rooms or offices only. Other than that, feel free to continue, since I cannot see the problem with it, just do not get pregnant unless you get married. We would be even more shamed if you did that. So do not. This concludes my speech for the day,” Cyrus informed his commanders, who high-fived each other.

I know that these stories are supposed to be harmless fun, so quite frankly I don't see the point in freaking out due to lack of description or bad sentance structure or the like.

That being typed, I did quite enjoy the story, though it was a bit short.

All three of you, GET AWAY FROM ME

Has to be my favorite quote. You do a really good job at writing about Cyrus (how DO you write about someone who practically has no personality?). If you're up for suggestions, I'd like to know why the sink has the "Health and prosperity through
the partaking of favorite foods!" sign yet "Foul and unidentifiable substances are
caked around the sink..." comes up directly afterwards.

/is slow. In any case, thanks for the reviews! Chapter Two is up... and once I start writing again (aka next summer ) I shall do your prompt, good sir!
As far as writing Cyrus, he's similar to Vulcans, only with no contractions and very emotionless. It's really fun to do him. Cyrus = pro writing.

In any case, here's Ch. 2, on the road to InfraRed chaps!

Now, on that thought, why, exactly, is there a TV room? Don’t they all have TVs in their rooms? Find out more mysteries of Team Galactic now…

“Cy-ruuuus… my TV broke,” Jupiter whined as she and Saturn burst into Cyrus’ office of loneliness. It would be lonely if Mars wasn’t already there pestering Cyrus about going to the mushiest movie of the year with her.

“And I should care why?” Cyrus indifferently replied, attempting to shove Mars off his lap. She had somehow snuck onto it when he wasn’t looking, and now she refused to remove her rear.

“Be-cause! There’s a huuuuge Scooby Doo marathon coming up this week, and Saturn’s TV has been broken for years. We need to watch it; it has EVERY episode ever made of every incarnation! And all the movies! But we can’t. And we wanna watch it. So you have to handle it and resolve the problem,” Jupiter explained confidently.

“And how, exactly, do you propose I fix your sad little issue? Besides, it is merely you and Saturn dissatisfied by this lack of viewing a talking dog and four teenagers drive around in a multi-colored van stoking drugs, how does this affect the rest of the team adversely? Do you not have all the episodes on DVD in any case?” Cyrus countered, finally succeeding in pushing Mars to the floor.

“Well, I’m glad you asked! See, the scientists want to analyze Scooby’s speech patterns to find out how to make Pokemon talk. And NO WAI, not all the episodes HAVE been released on DVD, so we were intending to record them. Besides, without a TV, how would we watch them on DVD? Our suggestion for solving this extreme inconvenience is to turn that spare room next to the kitchen into a TV room for all members! It’s big enough for a nice, huge plasma screen and a sweet sound system. Please Cyrus, we seriously need to watch this marathon,” Saturn put in, watching Mars stand up behind Cyrus and try to massage his shoulders.

He flexed his shoulders and knocked her over.

“Very well. I shall purchase the equipment and have it installed today, so you may watch an animated animal solve rather compelling mysteries on a high-definition screen,” Cyrus agreed, standing up to depart for Veilstone Department Store.

Mars sprung back up and blocked his way. “Hey, that’s no fair! Whenever I ask for something you always tell me no, why are you getting them what they want?!” she angrily squealed as Cyrus practically glared at her.

“Because they do not constantly pester me with foolish notions of romantic excursions or other idiotic ideas, that is why,” he retorted, pushing her out of his way.

“Oooooh, that’s because they’re not good enough to be around you as much as I am! Humph!” she plopped down on his desk to wait for his return.

Unfortunately she sat on a tack and screamed, leaping up and somehow launching herself into Cyrus’ arms from midair.

“OOOWWWWW! Cyrus, help, get it out, it huuuuuurts!” Mars whined, grabbing his arm and trying to move it to her rear.

He dropped her onto her stomach, sat on her back and examined the situation.

“You have indeed lodged a tack into your posterior. I shall remove it,” he analyzed, reaching to pull the offending object from her.

“Eeeeek!” she yelped when he yanked it out. Standing up, he reported she had suffered no permanent injuries and there was no blood.

Saturn and Jupiter, meanwhile, were laughing and filming this rather painful event.

Cyrus walked away to purchase the technology required for a TV room.

“Oooooh, I bet you guys put that tack there on purpose! I’m gonna delete that video! Get back here with that camera! GET BACK HERE NOW!” Mars yelled, running after the older, faster commanders.

“Fat chance, stupid!” Saturn taunted, waving the camera at her.

“You don’t need us to be dumb, you do it on your own!” Jupiter laughed as Mars tripped on a small ripple in the carpet and slid on her face for several yards, butt held high in the air.

The other two cackled even harder, recording this as well before darting off to the safety of Saturn’s room.

“Oooooh, I’ll have Cyrus stick tacks in THEIR rears when he gets back!” poor Mars huffed, standing up and dusting herself off. She stormed back to Cyrus’ office to await his return.

---Dooby-Dooby-Doo, Doobidy-Dooby-Dooby-Doo---

“Members of Team Galactic, I have gathered you all here for an important announcement. Many of you have been informed of the upcoming Scooby Doo marathon. In lieu of that fact, I have converted this spare room into the Team Galactic TV Room, for member use only. Knock yourselves out,” Cyrus announced to all the members.

Saturn and Jupiter cheered, along with everyone else.

Mars jumped onto Cyrus once he got off the intercom system.

“Well baby, should we let them have their entertainment and have a little of our own?” she cooed, lap dancing him.

“What are you talking about?” Cyrus looked at her like she had three heads and a tail.

“Let’s have SEX!” she cheered.

“You are a minor and a subordinate, that would be extremely inappropriate.”

“C’mon, I won’t tell anyone…”

“Get away from me.”

“Please…”

“NOW.”

“Oooooh, I’ll show you!”

She proceeded to magically remove all their clothes at once and sit on him.

Cyrus, for the first time in a couple decades, experienced an emotion.

“Are those real?!”

Tada! The end is crap, I know. Review, por favor? And thank ye for reading.

Ever wonder why the commanders can speak English, but the grunts can’t? This explains it all!

“As you all know, I am looking to hire two commanders and the rest of you will be grunts. It is preferable the grunts be very multi-skilled and able to understand many different languages, so now Commander Mars and I shall be testing your lingual capabilities. Please take these foreign songs and attempt to translate them,” Cyrus announced to the roomful of trainees.

Sitting next to each other in the far back was a blue-haired male and a pink-haired female, the former asleep and the latter doodling on her notebook.

They received the easiest language, Spanish. Naturally they could’ve just looked up the English lyrics considering the song was ‘Mickey’ but they were too stupid to.

So they took their song and skipped off to Jupiter’s room to listen to it.

“Um, all I can hear is dirty words… is that right?” Saturn commented, straining to understand what the crap Toni was saying.

“I dunno, this is gay, let’s just put some crap down, I doubt those two idiots know anything except English anyways,” Jupiter rolled her eyes and huffed, texting Saturn, even though he was right next to her.

“Okay. We totally looked smarter than all those others, we’ll win for sure,” he agreed, texting her back.

“So, I got out of it she wants the Mickey guy to do her, but he won’t, so she uses her hand. What did you think she was saying?”

“She likes sex and getting off. That’s about it.”

“That works. Write it and let’s go shopping.”

Saturn wrote down a bunch of crap and they ran down to turn it in to Mars. The red-headed commander, who was younger than them, smiled at how promptly they completed the final test.

“Cyrus and I will check this over in a moment, you guys are the first ones done,” Mars told them, walking over to the desk she shared with her boss.

The sweet, innocent, underage girl sat down next to the much-older man and attempted to snuggle up next to him.

The light-blue-haired man looked at her, wondering if she was cold. “Commander is there a problem with the temperature?” he asked, scooting his chair away from her.

She fell off hers and yelled in pain. “Ooooooh, you just don’t get it, do you?!” she whined, trying to climb back up.

Cyrus picked her up and sat her back in her chair with one hand.

Jupiter and Saturn, meanwhile, were long gone, off at the Veilstone Department Store browsing around.

“We must examine their answers now. Cease your unruly behavior and focus,” Cyrus ordered as Mars frowned and nodded her head in submission.

“Let’s see what we’ve got… OH MY!” Mars shouted, reading over the first few lines Jupiter and Saturn had written down.

[The lyrics they pulled out of their rears are not appropriate for a story of any rating less than NC-17 thus they have been censored]

“Commander, what does this mean?” he asked, rather confused.

“It’s all about sex! Self-sex and how she doesn’t want to do herself but Mickey’s gay and won’t do her! It also means they know absolutely NO Spanish what so ever and are completely useless in everything but English! OMG, this is sooooo nasty, burn it!” she screamed, throwing the paper away from her.

“Very well,” he acquiesced, pulling out two sticks and rubbing them together to set the paper on fire.

“They failed sooooooo badly. They may look good, but they absolutely SUCK at foreign languages. They seemed rather good at English, which is what we want for commanders! People who look hot and can use big, bravado sentences to sound impressive. I think we found who to hire, though I doubt that Jupiter chick is very intelligent and she’ll probably be completely useless. Oh well, you’ll hire her anyways,” Mars sighed, resting her head on her hand as she pouted.

The rest of the trainees all rushed in with horrible English but completely accurate translations.

“You all can speak foreign languages?” Mars asked, looking at their lyrics.

“Como?” one asked, not understanding English.

“You all are hired as grunts. Saturn and Jupiter are the commanders, because THEY SUCK. Uds. Comprendan? Good,” Cyrus announced, dismissing everyone as they cheered, because everyone knew the commander position meant you were too stupid and worthless for anything else.

Eventually Saturn and Jupiter returned, loaded with shopping bags, and were stopped by Cyrus and Mars.

“Congratulations guys, you two were the suckiest on the final test and are the new commanders with ME! Yay! I hope your English is a heck of a lot better than your Spanish is, or you two will be used as meat instead,” Mars announced as Cyrus played Sudoku on a handheld device.

“Oh yeah, we’re great at English, we just think foreign languages are gay. See, I told you we’re better than those dumb grunts, didn’t I?” Jupiter turned to Saturn and poked him.

“Be at the meeting room tomorrow for your first assignment and to learn all the full requirements of the job,” Cyrus instructed as he and Mars walked off together.

“Yesh! We get to make lotsa money and be high-ranked villains, alright!” Saturn exclaimed, high-fiving Jupiter. The two cheered and ran off to her room to put their stuff down before charging through the hallways laughing at the newly-hired grunts.

“I wonder if they know being a commander means they’re so worthless and stupid they’re not capable of doing simple tasks,” one of the grunts whispered to a couple others, and soon they all were laughing at their idiotic new commanders.

How did Mars join Team Galactic if she’s so young? Well, let’s just say if you could agree to join Team Rocket on Nugget Bridge, I soooooo would.

Once upon a bright and sunny day there was a new trainer standing outside the ominous Mt. Coronet, ready and waiting to go inside to further her adventures in the Sinnoh region.

After being shipped away from her home in Kanto to this strange, cold region, the young red-head had found Professor Rowan and received her starting Pokemon from him, a Shinx. He was out of all the normal starters and as she had no place to stay until he got more, he let her go with the little electric-type.

This lonely girl and her optimistic, energetic Pokemon set off for Oreburgh City to win her first badge, catching a rather grumpy Glameow along the way.

Narrowly defeating the very young and inexperienced leader Roark, they headed off to Jubilife City, catching a spare Bidoof along the way to trade for a good Starly on the GTS, a new, revolutionary means of Pokemon trading, still in its very early stages and regarded as a prototype.

Scanning the system for a Starly of quality, she amazingly stumbled across a female, shiny Starly that wanted a Bidoof and immediately made the trade.

There had never been such cries of joy and excitement heard in that building, and there haven’t been any since. The abandoned, unloved daughter of Team Rocket’s boss had finally been set free of her abusive household, received her first Pokemon, caught two, and made a trade with someone else for a SHINY, not to mention she got a gym badge.

The youngling happily skipped off to Floaroma Town and up to Eterna City through the forest, gladly fighting all the trainers who challenged the red-eyed girl.

She defeated Gardenia with relative ease with the help of her powerful Starly, who evolved into Staravia. Shinx had already evolved into Luxio in the first gym battle.

Up in the corner of the city, however, was a dark building under secret construction, looming over the town with a malevolent aura.

Visiting the Bike Store, the owner delighted in seeing her cute little Pokemon and gifted the trainer, walking around in worn tennis shoes that barely fit anymore, a nice red bike to ride around on.

Hopping on it and speeding down the cycling road, the beginner found the large mountain previously mentioned and stared at its opening, preparing to go in.

She called her Luxio out to light the way, slowly pedaling along.

Until she met a tall, young, depressed man with light-blue hair and eyes staring off into the distance.

She was immediately taken by this handsome figure, despite the agony that tormented his face. He was obviously at least ten years older than her and she felt it was wrong to be attracted to him, but she couldn’t help it.

“Hello young lady, that’s a nice Luxio you have there. I assume you’re traveling from town to town, collecting gym badges?” he asked in a cool, confident voice that was devoid of emotion.

“Yes sir, I am. My name’s Gabriella, but everyone calls me Mars. If you don’t mind my asking, what are you doing?” she sweetly replied, smiling innocently at him.

“I’m going to Eterna City to check the progress of one of my buildings there. I’m the head of an organization dedicated to reshaping the world into a better place for everyone to live. Unfortunately, most people find me to be crazy, and my methods faulted, my dream useless. You have a nice name, child, it seems familiar from somewhere. You may address me as Cyrus,” the older, emotionless human explained, turning from the wall to the sweet young thing in worn red and grey sneakers, a red plaid schoolgirl skirt and a grey polo.

“Oh wow, that sounds like such a great goal! I wish my mom was like that, instead of as selfish as she is. Everyone calls HER Madame Boss, she’s the head of Team Rocket back in Kanto, where I’m from. My step-dad doesn’t like me and sent me here, far away from them and his son, my older half-brother. It’s lonely, though, with just my three Pokemon as company,” Mars sighed, looking very sad.

“I knew you looked familiar. You may have heard of my company, Team Galactic. I have never before met a person of your age who can see the greatness we could provide to the world, the universe, even. Truly, you are unique, and your family is foolish to treat you so carelessly,” Cyrus reached out to stroke her face before jerking his hand back as it trailed along her chin.

She turned rather pink as he clasped his hands behind his back.

“Yeah, I remember Mommy mentioning you guys sometimes… I’d, um, kinda like to join you, you know, like, get hired… you sound so noble,” she admitted, slightly blinded by her infatuation for her own mother’s rival in regional teams.

“That would be… acceptable. Come, I shall examine Eterna City operations later; let us return to my main headquarters in Veilstone City now. There is a gym there as well…” he drifted off, leading the young, love struck girl out of the cave and off to her new home.

-…-_-…-_-…-

“So Cyrus, you finally found yourself a nice little loli, eh?” one of the two commanders laughed as Cyrus brought Mars out, dressed in her uniform and smiling, to present to the team.

“She is NOT a love slave, let me assure you. This, team, is your new commander, Mars. I expect you to treat her with the utmost respect even though she is young. If I find anyone is mistreating her, you shall be SEVERELY punished,” Cyrus announced to his growing organization as they all clapped for her inauguration.

“You’re right; she’s not a love slave. She’s your willing 10 year old toy. Cyrus, you’re 20, what is wrong with you?” the other commander yelled at him.

The two current commanders were a male and female, both black-haired and blue-eyed, and not the nicest people you’d ever want to meet. If they were originally given names, nobody remembered them, as they always demanded to be called ‘Commander, sir/ma’am’ instead.

“Both of you, get out of here. There is nothing wrong with me, but you two obviously have major malfunctions. I apologize for their rude behavior, Mars, do not take it personally.”

That was the start of Mars’ puppy-love crush growing even deeper until she completely adored her boss. He had taken her under his wing, sheltering her from the constant insults of her fellow commanders until they were captured by the police and replaced by Saturn and Jupiter.

She was always so grateful to Cyrus for taking her out of a life of loneliness and misery and being her friend. Her devotion to him was greater than that of any of the other members, and everyone knew she was his favorite employee, even if he denied having preferential feelings.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT TT?!” they screamed, spitting out the water they had just sipped.

“TEN?! MARS WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? TEN YEARS?! THAT IS SICK AND WRONG!” Saturn screeched at her, completely appalled at her new love interest.

“Yes, she is ten years old! There’s nothing wrong with that, love has no bounds. Besides, we’re only seven years apart, Cyrus and I are ten. I don’t get why you two are so disturbed, you should be happy for me!” she scolded, clucking her tongue.

“But Cyrus is a guy! Even if he is your older boss it’s still not as sick as a ten year old girl, you monster! How could you fall for someone who beat you and ruined your mission!? You’re seriously messed, I’m going to call the only doctor there is on any villainous team and get you some help,” Jupiter retorted angrily, reaching for the phone when Cyrus walked in.

“I detected shouts of immense horror and decided to investigate. What is the situation?” Cyrus announced, scanning the room for signs of an attack or other harmful events.

“Oh right, I totally should tell you. Cyrus, I’ve moved on. I’m now in love with a ten year old girl named Dawn,” Mars proudly stated.

Cyrus’ reaction was probably the most completely and utterly terrified of all.

“HOW COULD YOUUUUUUUU?! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEEE! WHHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!” he wailed, completely breaking down and sobbing.

“Sorry Cyrus, I just got tired of waiting for you to come around and decide you wanted me back, and once I met her, wow, I was completely blown away, it was so much fun being beaten by her!” Mars’ eyes became hearts as she squeed about her new love.

Cyrus ran away crying, saddened he had lost the only girl who was alive and loved him to a loli.

“You are sick,” Jupiter plainly said, and it was fact.

“If we ever see that kid we’ll beat her to a pulp for this,” Saturn added and the two walked away, discussing how best to torture Mars’ little girlfriend.

“Ooooooh, they just don’t get it! Dawn’s such a special little princess, I can’t wait to meet her again and battle her over and over!” Mars sighed, getting on the computer and doodling her and Dawn’s names in hearts on Paint.

fdksllskaaaa; taken me forever to update Dx but thanks for the review!

here's a new one-shot... but it might be pushing NC-17, while most stories should be R, so, be warned Dx SEX SCENE AHOY! CYRUS/MARS LEMON LOLZ

Mars decides to sneak into Cyrus’ room one night after she drugged his nightly hot chocolate with sleeping pills…

“You are sure my beverage has been prepared to the stringent qualifications, Commander?” Cyrus sniffed his hot chocolate warily, while Mars sweatdropped and soothingly assured him everything was normal.

I really, really hope he doesn’t realize what I put in it before drinking it… She fretted, wondering what he would do if he knew she’d dissolved sleeping pills into his drink.

“Very well,” he cautiously sipped his drink while Mars paced about, trying not to look, nervous, looking at the maps and charts he had on his wall.

“Are you done?” she heard him set the cup down and turned around, with her hair down and out of its usual style so it swished around her head.

“Yes, thank you. Goodnight Commander, do not stay out too late sleeping around tonight,” her weary boss ordered, pulling the covers over himself and settling down into bed.

“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t,” she winked as she walked out.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

An hour or so later, Mars pulled out her skeleton key and quietly inserted it into Cyrus’ door. Silently she opened and closed it, relocking the door.

She crept over to his bed, poised over him, looking down at his sleeping form.

Taking all her clothes off, she smiled down at him, pulling back the covers and gently pulling his pajamas down.

Licking her lips in anticipation, she crawled onto her boss’ bed and on top of him. Cocking her head and eying his rather large cock, she resembled a snake ready to swallow unsuspecting eggs.

“You may never know about this, but I’ll certainly enjoy it,” she smirked, taking all of it into her mouth.

Mars tenderly licked the base of the one thing she wanted most as Cyrus kept on sleeping. He’ll kill me if he wakes up but this is so worth it... She moaned softly into the darkness, sucking on the end of his hardening dick.

Cyrus shifted slightly and Mars froze, terrified of what would happen. He didn’t wake up, and settled down as she sighed in relief.

After moving her mouth up and down his boner, she began fondling his balls. Despite the fact he was doing nothing to her, the fact she was deep throating him was enough to turn her on.

Ugh no I promised myself I wouldn’t sit on it… but… I can’t help it… she pitiably thought to herself, sucking harder.

He came into her mouth and she squealed in ecstasy. That concluded her decision to ride him, unconscious as he remained.

Sitting up, she spread her legs to straddle him. He was still hard, and she lifted herself up, slowly easing herself onto his big dick. “Oooooooooh,” she moaned aloud, but luckily he didn’t hear her. Moving up and down on his cock, Mars screamed into the night cries of pleasure as he filled her.

She laid down on top of him and rubbed herself frantically against his bare skin, enjoying the feel of his cock slamming into her.

“Uuuuuuuh, ooooooooh, OOOOOOOH, mmmmmmm,” her shrieks echoed through the silent building, everyone but Mars tucked into bed and asleep. Through years of experience with sex, she could tell he was close to cumming again. So was she. Mars just hoped it wouldn’t wake him up.

She cried out erotically as she bounced harder on him until they both came. Sitting there satisfied for a moment, she smiled at her older, emotionless boss…

Who looked right back into her eyes.

“……………………..uh…” she stuttered, thinking of a good way to explain how they both ended up naked with him inside her.

Cyrus almost seemed to frown slightly, but even in the dark night Mars could see his mouth never moved. “I believe this is considered rape, Commander,” he quite emotionlessly stated, looking straight into her glazed red eyes with his own blank, sleepy light blue ones.

“Well, uh, um, erm, don’t tell anyone okay? I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me… I just…” she stammered, attempting to stand up. Cyrus held her down. “…love me?” he guessed, finishing her statement.

“Yeah, that’s it. Are you angry?” Mars pouted, still sitting on his cock.

“Only that you didn’t wake me up…”

If anyone had been awake at this late hour, they’d have heard two sets of moans and shrieks.

Thanks for reading! Sorry for never updating, I didn't like any of the finished oneshots and I just wrote this one Reviews are welcome! ^_~

Awesome!!! That is so awesome! A little different from my fics that I wrote. I would've put them up, but my computer kind of crashed. Seriously, I like it!

Despite it being a little one sided since how I do it is that first Cyrus is faced with difficulty when his organization starts to fall apart so then Mars tries to encourage him and he slowly starts to come out of his shell and yeah, he starts to become like Sai from Naruto since he kind of doesn't understand this whole love thing, but yeah...

Aha thanks for the reviews guys! =)
This next chapter is out of order from when it was written but it's just so quality I couldn't wait...

Presenting "Long-Forgotten Fairytale" based off the song of the same name by The Magnetic Fields. Enjoy~

Cipher’s Youth-Ray has turned Team Rocket into children, so Mars decides to tell them a fairytale she makes up… How well can this end?

Mars needed something to distract a bunch of super-villains turned young. Cipher’s stupid Youth-Ray had turned the best of the best into 8 year olds teetering around making a mess of everything. Saturn and Jupiter were probably off shagging in some closet and Cyrus was no help. He just sat around thinking of new mottos for us.

Think girl, you’re creative, you can entertain them somehow… right?

Suddenly the lyrics from one of the team’s favorite but rarely sung songs began playing in her head…

“Someone told me you’d be here
Whispering these familiar things
Talking to my little pet, smoking the same old cigarettes
…I would have laughed”

What was the title of that song again?

“I saw you last in summertime
You said you hated long goodby-y-yes
You said, “There’s nothing to explain, in every life a little rain”
…etcetera”

It was on the tip of her tongue…

“And a long-forgotten fairytale is in your eyes again
And I’m caught inside a dream world where the colors are too intense
…and nothing is making sense

There’s a floating town of eiderdown in a mist of mystery
There’s an old enchanted castle and the princess there is me
…decked-out like a Christmas tree”

“That’s it! I’ll tell them a fairytale! Children, gather round, Auntie Mars has a story for you,” she smiled triumphantly, motioning for the young agents to sit in front of her.

Steel blue hair and eyes glistened as Hun scowled, “This better not be one we’ve heard before.” Attila told her to shut up and not interrupt grownups. She attempted to hit him but her aim was off considering her arms had shrunk a great deal. “Behave yourselves you obnoxious infidels!” Sundance, already part of the youngest duo of agents, scolded, her gray eyes filled with their usual dominance. Her maroon hair was long and flowing compared to its normal shoulder-length. Billy, her partner, giggled as the lower agents settled down. His yellow eyes and spring green hair were brighter than normal and his freckles were much more pronounced.

Ringo’s long, curly melon hair and sea green eyes had a more youthful appearance. She snuggled next to her partner and sex buddy, Johnny, whose light emerald hair had yet to gain its aqua highlights and his coral eyes seemed bigger on his small, delicate face. Doc and Holliday sat behind the others, fiddling around with medical toys. They were the team doctor and nurse. Doc’s indigo hair was shaggy and longer than he wore it as an adult, and his green eyes shown in awe at the thrill of a story. Holliday’s hair was much blonder, lacking the near 50/50 ratio of lime green and blonde it did with maturity. Her azure eyes carefully monitored a series of test tubes filled with water and sugar.

Saturn and Jupiter strolled in at that moment, having heard the storytime call and come running. They acted like kids all the time, whether they were in child-bodies or not. Cyrus ever-so-slightly turned his head to look at his favorite commander as she sat down and silenced the kids. Their childhood would wear off in a few hours and they’d all be back to their normal ages… or so the Galactic agents hoped.

It had better be for the redhead’s sanity.

“I guess you’ve had your little joke
But I have lost my sense of hu-u-mor
My medication’s wearing off, for it’s just not strong enough
…to cover this.

Then you kissed me like before
I found myself wanting more
And you tell that little lie that kept me hypnotized
…another kiss”

“Well kids, once upon a time there was a very unfortunate prince. His name was Prince Satius and he was twenty years old. He lived in a world with NO Pokemon, just normal animals! He had blue hair and blue eyes and he was very handsome. Not that I overly think he is but a certain someone else does…” she trailed off, noting the angry glare Jupiter gave her.

“And a long-forgotten fairytale is in your eyes again
And I’m caught inside a dream world where the colors are too intense
…and nothing is making sense

There’s a floating town of eiderdown in a mist of mystery
There’s an old enchanted castle and the princess there is me
…decked-out like a Christmas tree”

“When Prince Satius was young, he had been kidnapped by an evil, wart-infested, nasty squid of a hag named Plutina. She really should’ve been a man but most people associate witches with vaginas so she had a sex change for the purpose of this fairytale. The facial hair stayed though…”

“If somebody told me I’d succumb
If someone said I’d be so dumb
After all the sleepless nights, when I turned on all the lights
…I would have hit them

But I have turned the other cheek
My voice trembles, my knees are weak

And you beat me once again
And I know what happens then
…you raise the ante”

“In any case, Plutina was a very powerful witch. She kidnapped poor Satius and locked him in a lovely enchanted castle. It was cursed so that if he tried to get out an invisible barrier would simply reflect him back in. The only way he could get out was if his one true love carried him out. Plutina also said if she didn’t come before his twenty-first birthday he would have to marry her. Now his birthday was drawing close, and poor Satius was very concerned…”

“And a long-forgotten fairytale is in your eyes again
And I’m caught inside a dream world where the colors are too intense
…and nothing is making sense.”

…He sighed. “Another day, another lonely, deserted forest with no maidens for miles around, another year closer to being forced into marrying Plutina. My life sucks.”

The old hag was walking up to the lavish castle’s door to drop off his food for the day. Unlike most damsels in distress, A. he wasn’t a damsel, and B. he was in an actual castle not just a tower. It was just like his failure of a life to be kidnapped by a horny old harlot instead of off saving a beautiful, innocent princess from the vile claws of a dragon. Then her family would be ever-so-grateful and thank him by giving him their dear daughter’s hand.

“OH DADDY!” he cried out in anguish, flinging a hand to his head in woe. His poor father’s heart was probably so tormented by his only child missing. Not to mention his stone wife…

Plutina blew him a kiss as she departed. He vomited over the edge of the turret he was in from his windowsill vista right onto her head. A string of obscenities cursed his name, then reminded him of how only a couple months remained between their union. More chunks blew.

“Why won’t some pathetic sap of a princess come along and rescue me?” he whined to himself. Someone had to pity his pathetic case, after all…

Meanwhile, in a not-entirely-far-away-kingdom, Princess Juniper was just sort of sitting around. Her twenty-first birthday was looming and her reluctant parents had agreed, after much pressuring from neighboring kingdoms, she needed to be married by then. Everyone assumed she had a centipede-infested vagina considering she was pushing 21 and was unmarried and childless.

There was no infestation she just didn’t want to marry any of the failprinces. Her loving parents Queen Marzipan and King Sirius hadn’t wanted to force her into a marriage but they didn’t want their daughter dying before she provided them a descendent. She was their only child, after all.

“Juniper, love, have you given any thought to Prince Llewellyn’s proposal? He’s the only suitor left who hasn’t married a younger princess yet,” Marzipan broached the unpleasant subject with her daughter. “No I haven’t and I don’t need to. He’s a spud-stuffed squid and I wouldn’t let him near me for all the kingdoms in the world,” the magenta-haired princess haughtily raged, folding her arms crossly.

Her mother sighed, “He’s the only prince left who wants to be near you, dear. This is getting ridiculous. You’re doing nothing with your life…” “Well maybe you two oldsters should give me something to do then! I hate sitting in this fancy castle all day waiting for a half-decent prince to come waltzing through even though he won’t. Send me off to some distant land like knights and princes so I can DO something!”

The king had entered the room for the latter part of her rant. “Very well, offspring, if you wish a task I will send you to rescue Prince Satius. As you know he has been locked up by that horrendous hag for a long time. No princess wants to free a man so wimpy he let an old grandma abduct him, however, since you seem eager to be productive, go free him,” he immediately spouted off, and Juniper smiled.

“Cool beans.” “I’m not sure where you pick up these strange phrases from, but it’s really not helping you find a man,” the redheaded queen pouted, shaking her head. Juniper shrugged, not really sure herself. It was probably some strange combination of words made by her mind that wasn’t quite as smart as her mother’s…

“Hey you jerk I never say cool beans! And I’m so smarter than you,” Jupiter angrily yelled, interrupting the story. “Pfft no you aren’t. And who ever said you were Juniper?” Mars rolled her eyes. Everyone in the room looked at her. “Okay, okay, so it was obvious. I’m not good with names, alright? Now, as I was saying…”

“I guess you’ve had your little joke
But I have lost my sense of hu-u-mor
My medication’s wearing off, for it’s just not strong enough
…to cover this.”

…Sirius almost sighed, but that would have been indicative of emotions. “Depart whenever you wish and return him to his kingdom. His father and I played on the same team in ‘One-Room Education Building’ time. And Plutina is a queer,” he explained, taking his fancy gold crown with rubies and light blue sapphires off and shining it on his fire-engine red and bright blue robe. Marzipan dusted off her red and gold dress before standing up and following him out of Juniper’s room. Her mother’s gorgeous golden crown glistened in the setting sun’s light, casting a luminous glow on Sirius’ strong, masculine, attractive back, reminding the queen of why she’d married him…

“Will you shut up and get back to the story instead of rambling your boss-fantasies?” Saturn whined, which was really what he did most of the time. “You lot are so inconsiderate to the fine details!” the redhead huffed, placing her hands on her hips to glare at her fellow commanders. “So Juniper was left alone…”

“Then you kissed me like before
I found myself wanting more
And you tell that little lie that kept me hypnotized
…another kiss”

…In her lavish room. Her magenta dress, lined with silver threads and puffy silver trimming, swished as she stood up, swaggering over to her silver-rimmed mirror. Staring at her large, pouty lip, she wished there weren’t quite so many failprinces alone. It’d be nice to settle down and get away from her parents. One could only stand those two for so long.

Straightening her elegant silver tiara, bejeweled with pink sapphires and yellow diamonds, she moved off to pack a small bag of supplies for her quest. She’d set out in the morning… also known as 11:30 since waking up before then was simply a ridiculous notion. Getting up early was for old squids like her parents who actually did their duties…

“Mars…” Jupiter growled. “Fine, fine…”

“I saw you last in summertime
You said you hated long goodby-y-yes
You said, “There’s nothing to explain, in every life a little rain”
…etcetera”

…Turning to glance out her large window in the direction her father had motioned the castle was in, she groaned, hoping this wasn’t an even stupider idea than sitting around waiting for a decent prince to suddenly appear the spud out of nowhere. And if this one turned out to be a bust, she could always get him out of the castle and stay there herself…

“Get on with the action already,” Hun demanded, never really being able to sit through anything not filled with violence, killing and harsh language. “Be patient you gore-loving mongrel!” Doc retorted, turning back to Mars and motioning for her to continue. “So as I was saying…”

“There’s a floating town of eiderdown in a mist of mystery
There’s an old enchanted castle and the princess there is me
…decked-out like a Christmas tree”

…Looking down at himself, he wondered how even the ugliest maiden could resist the notion to come rescue him. Sure, he looked like the Spirit of Christmas Present all year round in the crimson red and emerald green outfits Plutina provided him with, trimmed in gold and silver tinsel and lining, but they did fit quite tightly, making his slender body evident.

“And not a single soul has come this way in all the years I’ve been here! Has someone painted a portrait of me on the “Missing Persons” fliers that looks absolutely horrendous? Surely someone wants some of this!” he ranted, pulling his tunic tighter.

“I do,” a raspy voice hissed. “Someone not old enough to remember Moses,” he faked a smile down at the ugly hag staring lustily up at him. “My age won’t be able to keep us apart in just another few months, dearest,” she grinned, crooked, fang-like, yellow, decayed, rotting teeth exposed. He attempted to resist the urge to hurl more chunks on her this time. “Plutina, I’ll find some way to kill myself before I subject my royal genetics to your flesh-eating baby-tomb,” he shouted down, sticking his tongue out at her.

“I’m sure you will,” she greedily smirked, depositing the food inside the door and scuttling away from the castle.

His lower lip jutted out and began quivering, knowing part of the curse was he couldn’t die until he was wed. “OH WOE IS ME! OH WOE IS MY POOR MINERALIZED MOTHER! OH WOE IS MY POOR HEARTBROKEN FATHER!” he shouted woefully to nobody in particular. Not like anyone had been around to hear him in the past almost-decade, not like anyone would be.

“Oh woe is you for sure,” a decidedly feminine, sweet voice replied. “Yes woe is me, figment of my imagination. Look at how pathetic my mental state’s become, now I’m imagining someone’s talking to me, oh hello there how are you, just fine, are you, spectacular, of course you’re just fine, you’re not me, simply something my troubled mind’s come up with to get itself off the ugly subject of Plutina…” he rambled on and on.

“No I’m not just fine. Are you Prince Satius?” the voice yelled angrily. “Why yes I am, Figment of Prince Satius’ mind. And what do they call you, aside from Figment of My Mind?” he giggled back, thinking perhaps he’d finally lost his sanity.

A figure standing on the ground rolled her magenta eyes.

“Princess Juniper. And I’m not a figment of your obviously-troubled mind. Look down why don’t you?” she bellowed, upset this ignorant prince she was trying to rescue didn’t even recognize her existence. Why, the nerve of him! Honestly, were all princesses this obnoxious?

“Oh… OH! OH MY WALRUS A PRINCESS! SOMEONE WITH A YOUNG, UNWRINKLED BODY! HELLO THERE! OPEN THE DOOR WHY DON’T YOU I’LL MEET YOU THERE IN A SECOND!” he cried, and for a moment she wondered if the bluenette was having an orgasm.

Shrugging, she went to open the door and was surprised to find it unlocked. The fancily-dressed prince came running down a stairwell of the large castle, arms flailing behind him, looking ready to hug her. When he got close enough to get a good look at her though, he stopped short.

She was glad he did.

“So what’s wrong with your arms? The door wasn’t locked, you know…” she scowled, looking at this full-of-himself young man standing before her glaring back. “Ahem, I’ll have you know part of my curse was only a female can carry me out of this castle. Once that’s done I can come and go as I please,” he haughtily informed her, quite shocked she hadn’t been informed of this detail.

“You couldn’t carry yourself?” she smirked. “And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?” Satius glowered, knowing it was some insult to his manhood. “You got yourself kidnapped by an old hag… don’t you think the reason nobody else has come is because no princess wants a sissy like that?”

“For your information she’s the most powerful witch in this whole land! I was about to fling myself out a window, catch a vine, and swing to safety when she hit me with a deep-sleep spell. When I woke up I was in that tower up there wishing I wasn’t. And perhaps nobody was skilled enough to get past the obviously difficult traps Plutina has set up,” he defended himself, enraged this low-class hussy posing as a princess was insulting him like this. She’d probably killed a real princess and stolen her clothes.

“There were no traps, Prince Psycho. If you’re still here, then nobody’s come. No poor sap’s been desperate enough to need to…” suddenly she stopped, realizing she was putting herself down. “Oh really? Then why are you here?” he grinned, watching her squirm nervously. “Um, my parents thought I should help you out before I get married… my dad’s a friend of yours or something…” she half-lied… she wasn’t exactly getting married soon and she’d wanted to come.

Looking at this blue-eyed spoiled brat in the most luxurious clothes and castle ever, she sort of regretted wasting her life.

He looked puzzled for a moment, then brightened back up, “Oh, your old husband died and you’re remarrying? Did you have any children with him to pass on his name?” Her mouth fell open.

“No, you idiot, I’ve never been married. Frankly I don’t want to be either but I have to,” she grunted, not sure if it was more embarrassing to have never been married or to tell this stuck-up snot she had no intention of it. “Goodness me you poor thing! Your parents must be worried sick you’ll never produce them a grandchild. Not to say you look overly old or anything, but don’t princesses usually marry at around 13?” he looked horrified.

“Yes, they do, except me. No good princes around. I’m sure you can sympathize with that, Mr. Lonely,” she had the upper hand again. “Are you quite sure it isn’t that nobody wanted to marry you as opposed to your own reluctance to wed?” he questioned, looking innocent enough for the question to be harmlessly blunt.

She glared. “Yes I’m quite sure there’s no decent princes back home and CERTAINLY none in the castle. If we’re quite finished here, I’m leaving,” she huffed, turning around to storm back out. Realizing his only chance of freedom was about to take off on a chestnut horse and ride away, he cried out for her to stop, snagging her arm as she reached for the door’s handles.

“Stop, please, wait! If you’ll simply carry me out through that door then the spell will be broken, I’ll return to my own kingdom, greet my poor, weary, heartbroken father, you’ll go back to yours and marry some prince, and we’ll never see each other again. Even you can’t have it in you to condemn me to marrying an ancient, repulsive old hag like Plutina and leaving my poor, innocent, fragile mother a stone statue forever, can you?” he pitiably whined, looking quite close to tears. That were obviously feigned.

Rolling her eyes, she scooped him up. He was remarkably light. “If you’re really going to have a cry over it, I suppose I’ll release you and be on my way,” she acquiesced, tossing the door open and stepping beyond the invisible shield that had trapped him for so long. For once it didn’t reflect him back into the castle and he shouted in joy.

He attempted to stand but realized she hadn’t put him down yet. Turning to pester her into dropping him so he could be on his merry way and leave her stuck-up mug behind him, he noticed a strange look of horror on her face. Tilting his head to the other side, a fancily-dressed prince with an army of knights stood eying the pair.

“Who’s that guy? I’ve never seen anyone, male or female, anywhere near this castle…” he whispered, attempting to rouse her from her trance-like stare. “Prince Llewellyn… the failprince who wants to marry me. How cannon-proof is this castle, exactly?” she worriedly asked. “Oh if I tell it to raise its defenses it’s completely impenetrable. Part of the spell, you do understand. Though I can’t say I’m one for going back in there…” he was explaining when the other male cut him off.

“I am Prince Llewellyn Von Slitcshzel, the rightful groom of this rather unruly princess. Who might you be, attempting to steal my claim?” he said in a nasally, irritating voice. Tempting as the option to tell this loser the princess was all his was, she had gotten him out of the castle, and he owed her something…

So he hopped out of her arms and stood up straight, looking into the glare of several dozen well-equipped knights’ swords. “I am Prince Satius, heir of the most beautiful kingdom in all this land, and I do not believe you have any claim on this maiden. I certainly don’t want one, but it is my expert opinion on the subject she objects to any union between the two of you. As such, I simply must demand you vacate the premises of my enchanted castle at once. Trespassing is cause for starting a war, you know,” he proudly announced, trying to hide how much those swords concerned him.

Juniper smiled at him briefly in thanks for defending her. “I’m not moving from this spot until she walks into my arms,” Llewellyn boastfully announced. “Have fun rotting there, then,” the female winked, grabbing the blue-haired prince and locking the castle’s door behind them. The furious mustard-haired male began shouting outside and ordering his troops to attack.

“Enchanted castle that’s caused me much hassle, shield yourself from all harm, else be invaded by these wretched varm,” he chanted, and a shimmering hemisphere took up residence around the castle, bouncing back all the knights.

“Well that’s handy,” Juniper remarked, smiling happily as her suitor screamed obscenities at the barrier. “Isn’t it? Now we can pass through it, but they can’t,” Satius cheerfully grinned at the shield. “How do we get out? It’s not exactly like we can waltz out the front door and they have my horse,” she frowned, folding her arms. “I know a back window, and don’t worry, my unicorn’s waiting in the pasture behind the castle…”

“Unicorn? What’s a unicorn, Mars?” Ringo curiously asked, melon hair bouncing. “It’s like a Rapidash, only with hair like yours and mine instead of fire. So, Satius knew a way out…”

“Someone told me you’d be here
Whispering these familiar things
Talking to my little pet, smoking the same old cigarettes
…I would have laughed”

…During the night, Satius and Juniper crept out a shuttered window in the back of the castle, dropping silently to the grass and sprinting to his unicorn. “Glory my boy, we need to get out of here and fast. My poor, unfortunate daddy must be worried sick about me,” Satius whined mournfully, hopping onto the white unicorn with purple and sky blue hair. Juniper remained on the ground, looking up the incredibly tall, slender equine.

“Uh, are you going to help me up? It’s a little hard to jump in a dress,” she huffed, reluctantly extending a hand for him to grasp. He sniffed and took it, yanking her up. “I’d think you’d be a little more delicate when assisting a princess,” she pouted. “Oops, I thought you were a prince,” he batted his eyelashes innocently.

“I’m sorry I ever took you out of that stupid castle. In fact I’m sorry I ever went looking for you in the first place. Now I’m stuck on a UNICORN of all things with you going off to your kingdom instead of mine. It’s like I’m the damsel in distress now instead of your pansy rear.”

He opened his mouth to insult her back, but something in him was too hurt to think of anything to say back. So he closed it, faced forward and rode on. She diverted her eyes to the ground, wondering if she’d gone too far.

A while later, they’d entered a river port town. “What town is this?” Juniper asked, looking around at the busy merchant streets. “River Isle. This seems like a safe place to stop for something to eat. And my legs are killing me, I haven’t ridden in ages since that stupid old witch took me away from POOR OLD DADDY!” Satius agonized, holding a hand to his head in self-woe. “Your dad will be fine, we’ll be back to your kingdom soon enough,” she assured him, stroking his arm comfortingly.

“Are you sure it’s safe to touch me? Someone could see us and start rumors, and you know how royal scandals go down!” he pointed out, rather pained at discouraging this contact. Wait what was he talking about? She was a jerk!

“This is true. But I’d rather be seen with you than Lloserllyn. Speaking of him… there he is,” she muttered, pointing behind them. “Squad Allah, we’re off!” Satius yanked her back on to Glory, who neighed and took off galloping.

She looked at him. “What?” He looked back. “If this fairytale wasn’t meant to be drama-filled and a lolfest we’d make out now.” “We would if you weren’t such a pansy.” “Or if you weren’t such a jerk.”

Glory whinnied loudly, stopping their arguing. “Yes, Glory, you want us to shut up. The nearest town should be coming up in an hour. Then we’ll reach my kingdom by nightfall,” Satius explained, patting the clever white unicorn’s neck…

“Why aren’t we making out? Honestly, Mars…” Saturn whined. “Settle down there son you’ll be kissing soon enough,” she rolled her eyes, smiling, “So Llewellyn kept showing up in every town they did, it was really quite annoying…”

“And a long-forgotten fairytale is in your eyes again
And I’m caught inside a dream world where the colors are too intense
…and nothing is making sense”

“I’m really getting sick of this anti-whining agenda you two have,” he huffed. “Do shut up you breadcrumb,” magenta eyes rolled. “I should go find Llewellyn and hand you over to him, you know.” She promptly pursed her lips and shut up.

Just then, a voice rang out loudly, calling to the pair. “MY POOR MISSING SON?! IS THAT REALLY YOU?!” a bluenette with gray streaks rasped, looking out from a window in the castle. “MY POOR OLD DADDY! YES, IT IS ME, YOUR QUITE UNFORTUNATE MISSING SON!” Satius cried back eagerly, hopping off Glory to run to meet the elder. Juniper rolled her eyes again and rode Glory into the castle.

The father and son were embracing, and she had to smile at the long-awaited reunion. “Oh, yes, Daddy, this is Princess Juniper, she rescued me from that dreadful old hag Plutina and that fancy, lonely castle. Juniper, this is Daddy. King Cyrine to you I suppose. How is my poor mineralized mother?” the younger bluenette smiled proudly. “My dearest Marzella is still petrified in that painful position Plutina placed her in,” the older agonized.

“Now I see where you get it from,” Juniper rolled her eyes for the millionth time throughout this tale. “Well I’d like to see if your parents are as rude as you are!” Satius retorted, glaring at her. “Son that’s no way to treat a fellow princess. Either Plutina corrupted you something awful or a failure am I at parenting,” Cyrine scolded. “Daddy she’s not a princess she’s a poser or something! Or her parents fail at raising a respectful royal daughter,” he whined.

“Will you stop whining about every little thing that happens? You are the most annoying, ungrateful, self-absorbed narcissist I have ever… What is THAT?” the princess stopped as another princess entered the room.

Only this one was quite unfortunate in the looks department. Juniper may not have been blessed with the most normal of attitudes and dispositions for a princess, however she was quite attractive. This other princess hadn’t been blessed with anything. Her face was essentially one massive wart with a foot-long crooked, hairy nose, lopsided, discolored eyes, smaller warts and pimples on pimples and warts, straggly mustard yellow, olive green and corpse gray tufts of hair, and a pale, tiny, off center lip.

“Oh, yes, this is Brunhilda. You remember her Satius… she’s been eagerly awaiting your return so you could wed,” Cyrine announced, smiling, seemingly unaware of the female’s complete repulsiveness. “I was really hoping she’d have improved even slightly in nearly a decade… unfortunately for me she’s gotten worse. And it smells like a rodent with diarrhea crawled up her vagina and died there,” the prince crossed his arms crossly, exhaling to get the smell out of his nose.

“This is who you’re engaged to? I didn’t know they could make people marry creatures from a black lagoon. You really are a poor, unfortunate thing! Mayhap I ask if this even more tragic monstrosity was lit on fire as a child then ran over by a stampede of drafter horses and a cannonball of solid wart-causing bacteria struck her face?” the magenta-haired female asked.

Brunhilda’s grinding, manly, slurred, lispy voice spoke up, “You’re a rude jerk, aren’t you? There’s nothing wrong with the way I was born you insensitive, impolite, poorly-raised, trashy hussy! I’m ashamed to be a fellow princess with you muddying the name.”

“You look worse than a piece of crap’s crap,” Juniper emotionlessly replied, sounding rather like her father. “YOU HAVE NO DECENCY OR RESPECT!” Brunhilda roared. “No I agree with her, you’re hideous. I don’t know how I got forced into getting betrothed to you but I’m getting out of it!” Satius agreed with the former female. “Son, don’t be like that…”

“JUNIPER! MY LOVE! YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO ESCAPE MY WAITING ARMS, DEAREST!” Llewellyn triumphantly shouted, storming into the castle with his army. “Oh not you again. I really do wish you’d stay away from me,” the pretty, pretty princess frowned. “I wish I’d never seen this mutant again. We’re out of here. BYE DADDY DEAREST I SHALL RETURN WHEN BRUNHILDA IS FAR AWAY AND NOT ENGAGED TO ME!” Satius cried mournfully, pulling Juniper onto Glory with him and kicking the unicorn to gallop back out of the castle.

“COME BACK!” everyone important inside shouted, but the rebel duo didn’t listen. “I can’t blame you for whining so much if your marriage options are that insect or some creeper old hag,” she admitted, attempting to apologize. “If that’s the sort of man who’s been trying to marry you I suppose you’d pick up a bad attitude to chase them off,” he shrugged, accepting the apology and offering one of his own.

Glory whinnied happily. “You’re still nobody I’d ever want to marry,” they both said at the same time, then blushed. “Well good for me!” they huffed at once, blushing again. The white equine purposefully stumbled, knocking Juniper into Satius. She hurriedly pulled back, looking away. The horse just smiled.

“We should be at your kingdom by tomorrow…”

“Why do characters representing you and I appear twice?” Cyrus asked bluntly. “Because I couldn’t think of anyone else?” Mars sheepishly pouted. “Acceptable.” “So Juniper and Satius arrived at her home kingdom…”

“Someone told me you’d be here
Whispering these familiar things
Talking to my little pet, smoking the same old cigarettes
…I would have laughed”

“Mom, Dad, I’m back,” Juniper announced in a tired tone, hopping off Glory and crossing her arms. Her dress was all wrinkled and dirty now, she certainly wasn’t presentable before her parents… and neither was Satius.

Her parents quickly strode in before she had a chance to dart away and change. “Oh we’re so glad you’ve returned, dear! And you’ve brought Prince Satius with you, how kind. Shouldn’t he be at his kingdom, though? Or do you have something to tell us?” Marzipan giggled. The younger royalty blushed furiously.

“No! It’s nothing like that, it’s just there’s all these lunatics chasing us around trying to marry us. And we’re not interested in any of them… and here they are now,” the princess frowned, watching as Plutina, Brunhilda, and Llewellyn burst through the door. “Massive do not want right there,” Satius rolled his eyes, looking ready to pull Juniper back onto Glory and ride away at any second.

Plutina was the first creeper to speak, “You two should stop running away from us, you haven’t much time left before your 21st birthdays.” “So? Poor, dearest, mineralized Mommy will only be returned to normal if I marry my true love… which is nobody here!” the young bluenette forcefully said, scanning the room disdainfully.

His father ran in at that moment. “POOR, PREVIOUSLY-TRAPPED SON! You’re terribly wrong! Part of the curse was only your one true love could remove you from the castle. So whoever carried you out, you’ve simply GOT to marry, for my poor, petrified princess,” he rambled emotionally. The young non-ugly royals simply stared at each other.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. There’s some error, maybe your curse failed somehow, there’s no way I’d ever marry him!” the magenta-haired female roared. “There just HAS to be a flaw! She can’t be my one TRUE love, I don’t love her at all!” he agreed.

The old hag named Plutina cackled. “No, sonny, there’s no mistake. Your choices are Brunhidious, myself, or her, but only one will release your mother from her curse. I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count,” her gravelly voice rasped out from between her crooked teeth.

“Son, you’ve just GOT to free YOUR POOR STONE MOTHER!” his father agonizingly shouted. “Stone is right, what a cold b-,” Marzipan snorted before Sirius cut her off, “Mind your royal manners.”

“Pick your poison,” Plutina laughed. “Is suicide an option?” “Not that I WANT to marry you but I’d think I’m a better alternative to death you jerk!” “Are… are those… real?” “Yes?” “I do believe you’re right then…”

“Son, you have to free your mother,” Cyrine pursed his lips, staring at his child. “I know Daddy, I want to, but I don’t believe it’s possible that poorly-behaved harlot is my only option,” Satius whined. “I couldn’t stand marrying you all you’re doing is whining about me!” Juniper pouted, looking almost sad.

Suddenly one of her servants walked in, brunette, tan skin, and looking mighty butthurt at everything and anything. To be honest she was in a rage and ready to slice anyone up with a serrated sword.

Plutina looked up eagerly at this new face. “Who’re you, hot stuff?” she purred. “Ellenor you ****ing ancient piece of rotting ****,” the butthurt female raged. “Forget you, Satius, this chick’s my kind of nast,” the old hag simpered. “Let’s ****.” And so Ellenor rageparted the castle with a crusty old creeper with a sex change in tow.

Brunhilda turned around, looked at herself in an expensive mirror, and her horrendous face shattered it. “My goodness you’re ugly! Do you happen to have any centipede-infested body parts, that sort of disturbing nastiness really gets me going,” Llewellyn eagerly turned to her. “Yes I do! Want to see where they are… down there?” she winked. Juniper and Satius threw up.

“Sure…” and so they departed to have creepy bug fetish sexual intercourse.

“Son you really need to marry Juniper,” Cyrine firmly stated. “Daddy I don’t want to be with her!” Satius whined for the millionth time. “Shut up and kiss me,” Juniper angrily turned to the high-strung bluenette and pulled him into a passionate kiss.

Marzipan looked shocked. “Well to be honest I wasn’t expecting that but at least she doesn’t want some bogus failprince or a spud,” she remarked. “Be happy she is accepting marriage before her death,” Sirius whispered and his wife nodded.

“I’d bone Juniper,” the young male admitted after they pulled apart. “Good…”

“…And so Satius and Juniper married, and Satius’ logical mother was released from her stone curse. And… oh, when did you all return to your normal ages?” Mars blinked, staring at the non-child Rockets looking at her. “A few hours ago but we wanted to hear the end of the story so we didn’t tell you LOL!” Sundance smiled and the others nodded.

“Oh, well, in that case, I think we should go. Good seeing you youngsters again,” the redhead giggled, leading the others out.

“And a long-forgotten fairytale is in your eyes again
And I’m caught inside a dream world where the colors are too intense
…and nothing is making sense

There’s a floating town of eiderdown in a mist of mystery
There’s an old enchanted castle and the princess there is me
…decked-out like a Christmas tree”

“Oh… OH! OH MY WALRUS A PRINCESS! SOMEONE WITH A YOUNG, UNWRINKLED BODY! HELLO THERE! OPEN THE DOOR WHY DON’T YOU I’LL MEET YOU THERE IN A SECOND!” he cried, and for a moment she wondered if the bluenette was having an orgasm.

The newly-revealed member, apparently known as Pluto but from here on out referred to as Professor Creepy, deserves some love, wouldn’t you say?

On the lowest floor of the Galactic Headquarters, beneath the warehouse basement, there lies a large, stark white room with smaller rooms attached, filled with large tubes, control panels, electrical equipment. The main room is stocked with chemicals, testing technology, a dim, hanging light in the center, bendable tubes twisting every which way, and a single, ratty, swirling, wheeled chair, back half-hanging off, is shoved under a desk coated in papers and notes.

This is where I dwell. For coming up on forty years, I’ve experimented, researched and developed a million and one things in this chamber of science. When I slither out, well, for a bit over a decade I’ve had a little… bonding project. Not really between myself and anyone, but I have a debt, you could call it, relating to my boss. And his relations. Sure, Cyrus has them. He’s on decent terms with the commanders, I’d even call the longest-serving three and me his friends. But there’s one person in particular…

“Sir, the new supplies for your latest project have arrived.”

Some grunt delivering something. “Set them down on that table below the exotic flora cabinet.” Easy enough orders to follow, right? One would think so, at least. “The ‘exotic flora,’ sir? Those aren’t narcotics, are they? I wasn’t aware we were in the drug-dealing bus-” Jiminy Cricket this kid is a genuine snoop. “We’re not. They’re the leaves and seeds of various rare species with potential healing or destructive capabilities. Like herbs, you nitwit. I’m not in the business of snorting anything. If the supplies are secured, you’re quite free to leave.”

He got the message and booked it back up the stairs, a cold metal door, painted white but chipping to reveal the steel beneath, slamming shut behind him. Good thing all the grunts are so afraid of anyone high-ranking they scatter at the sight of us.

I don’t exactly want to put all these new supplies away right now. There’s a lot, I had to order a mess of new things to replace what I’ve been running on for a decade. All this new-fangled technology… all it’s good for is breaking down. That’s it. Oh the commanders like their cell phones, mp3 players, computers, all that crap so their lives are that much more indulged. Not like they don’t already make millions and millions a year.

Saturn and Jupiter do, at least. As far as I know Mars isn’t on a payroll, whatever she wants, her dearest Cyrus buys. It works, you know. She’s got a good system.

I suppose I’ll stroll around Headquarters, see what the commanders are up to. Oh, I’m not a commander myself, no, going out on all those missions, being athletic and skilled at robbery, not being a short, stumpy man, none of that appeals to me. I am quite content to be a professor, researching anything that peaks my interest. And they give me a whole floor to myself.

It feels strange climbing out of this dungeon sometimes. I’m not its prisoner, but it’s still my home. Good to have a place you belong. Good to have a niche in the world.

“Hey Creepy,” Mars waves, strolling by with her Purugly, Luxray, shiny Staraptor, Bronzong, Crobat and Gallade. “Greetings, Commander. Where are you off to?” I question, she doesn’t usually walk around with her team.

She rolls her eyes, obviously not entirely thrilled, “Cyrus thinks we commanders don’t battle enough and he wants us to do some practice. Why battle when you can simply shoot whoever stands in your way?” “An excellent point, a bullet is so much more effective than a battle. Regretfully my team sees little time outside their balls, perhaps I should join in,” I admit, attempting to remember the last time I sent one of my Pokemon out. My memory failed me…

Ah yes, when I captured a Heatran crawling around Stark Mountain, that was fairly recent. That crotchety old creeper is quite content to be doing nothing all day, I do believe. It didn’t look entirely thrilled to be placed in charge of protecting the volcano while the usual Guard Heatran was away in the first place. My Ditto, [stolen] Porygon2, Torterra, Rotom and Gliscor haven’t seen the light of day in over a year, more than likely. I admit, back in my youth, I was quite an adept battler, but in my decades as a scientist I’ve allowed my talents and Pokemon to slide. I still remember my first battle with little Turtwig against Cyrus’ mother’s chubby Bulbasaur.

Goodness I’m not his father, if that’s what anyone’s got into their head. Just his mother’s old friend. I could tell you more about that poor boy than anyone else still alive. It’s not exactly his fault he tries to block all emotions out of his life, just how he decided to cope with a lot of tragedy. Everyone has different methods…

“Professor, it is agreeable for you to join us today,” his deep, monotone voice violates my thoughts and I look up to nod my head in agreement. “Certainly has been a while.” “We haven’t seen much of you since Mars and I helped you get Heatran and that rock,” Jupiter comments, reflecting back on when she and the red head aided me in acquiring the lazy old Heatran and the Magma Stone he protected. “To be honest we haven’t ever seen much of him,” Saturn chuckles, a thoughtful expression on his face. His Toxicroak, Bronzor, Golbat, Garchomp, Glaceon and Sealio relax at his side, awaiting a chance to do some fighting.

Jupiter’s Skuntank, Bronzong, Golbat, Froslass, Leafeon and the Shadow Articuno we stole from Team Cipher a while back seem to be less than thrilled to battle. Her Articuno glares around, always looking for a member of Cipher to wreak vengeance on. Some Shadow Pokemon never fully recover from the trauma of being transformed. I can’t blame them. Nobody could. Though Shadow Chill and Shadow Sky are invaluable attacks…

“Everyone will send one Pokemon in per round and all five will fight until one remains. Commander Jupiter, Professor, send your Heatran and Articuno out during the same round,” Cyrus finishes explaining, grasping a ball and releasing his Gyarados.

Naturally his Pokemon won every round, except when my grumpy old Heatran crushed everyone. Inevitable triumph, of course. We chatted a bit, exchanging friendly banter and battle critique before departing back to the dungeons we call offices. Except Mars decided not to return to hers.

“I haven’t seen your lab in a while. Mind if I take a peek?” she asked innocently, but after my many years observing people, Pokemon, reactions, experiments, I knew she had an ulterior motive. Which was odd in and of itself, but I wasn’t about to confront her. “If you’re that curious about my chamber of science, I won’t object.” She smiled nervously.

Climbing down the stairways to the lowest floor of the building, we arrived in my ‘office’ and were greeted by boxes needing to be unpacked. “My apologies, Commander, I just received a shipment and declined from sorting the goods at the time of delivery,” I had to be polite, courteous, considerate, she was, after all, my superior rank-wise.

“There’s no need to explain the fact sorting crap is boring, or to be all proper with me. I may be Commander Mars and you just Professor… Creepy… but you’ve been here much longer than me. And we both know you know Cyrus better than I do. And I know him pretty well. But you know his past. You knew his parents. You also have a tendency to hit on me. Now why would that be?”

I smiled. I simply smiled. Could she ever fully grasp why? Would she be convinced I had no true romantic intentions with her? Did the others have the mental capacity to accept I wasn’t a creeper, and I’d never married simply because I’d never married, not because I was waiting for the right vastly-younger female to come along? No real use in trying to lie to her, so I’ll just have to hope she can comprehend why I’ve made the choices I have.

“It’s… a very long story. Can you understand it all? We’ll see. We’ll see…” I trailed off, wondering where it was best to begin. “Why is it a long story?” she grumbled, folding her arms across her delicate chest. It’s almost a shame she’s physically inferior to Jupiter, she’d really stand a better chance…

“You’ll find out why it’s a long story when I’m finished telling it.” “Well tell it already.”

I simply smiled again. She wanted to know. She’d always been a curious little thing, demanding answers. Searching for them when nobody else knew. The only thing she’d never found is what happened to her father. But that’s a whole different story.

“Cyrus’ mother and I were classmates. She inherited the family corporation upon her mother’s passing and renamed it Team Luna with the intent to explore the moon. Team Galactic is really a generational organization, it simply changes names once passed on to the next child. She took over after we graduated from college, and shortly after met Cyrus’ father. While headquarters was in Veilstone, we’d been raised in Sunyshore, and she determined she’d raise her own children there too. I was the head researcher of Team Luna, studying various methods of getting to the moon, colonizing it, surviving on it, that trend of thought.

“Cyrus was their first child. And only. 16 weeks after his birth, exactly, his father died of cancer. His mother never remarried. The poor boy grew up with me in the paternal role, but I could never be a father, I simply wasn’t cut out to nurture children. I certainly could never be his father. He was always so strange… enjoying staring at the stars over talking to people, constructing anything technological instead of hanging out with people.”

I paused, sighing to myself, wondering how best to approach this next part. She probably wouldn’t take it well. Her jealousy would flare, her face would turn green with envy before red with anger. There was no way to say what would make her feel better before I introduced this subject, it simply had to come after. It wouldn’t make sense otherwise, it just wouldn’t make sense…

Like so many other things I’ve suffered through.

“Then he met Christine.” Her face contorted, eyes darkening, the small, curious smile quickly turning into a tight-lipped frown. The redhead knew of the existence of a former flame of her beloved, and it has never been an acceptable subject to bring up in her presence. The other woman was gone and never to be brought up again. The hair on the back of her neck was bristling, though I couldn’t see it, I knew it was her reaction to the only competition in female form she had.

“It was evident to me and his mother they would become more than the best of friends some day. Whether you’d prefer to ignore her existence for all eternity or discuss her daily is no great care of mine, she was what brought him out of his shell and you owe him even experiencing love to her. If he’d never had love to miss he’d certainly have no hidden desire to regain that feeling of wholeness.

“Now Christine was nothing like you. Robin’s egg blue eyes, bouncing tan and cream hair, flowing down her back held up in pigtails, tall, not as skinny and delicate as you, certainly not a scared, lonely little girl looking for someone to take her in…” She cut me off angrily. “Get on with it, Creepy. I don’t have all day to listen to you reflect on a rotting carcass.” So Christine was a carcass. Not a corpse. Corpse sounded more human, sounded important, valued. Carcass sounded like a piece of meat to be eaten or a heat-exhausted animal decaying in the desert. Whether she realized it or not, this woman she dehumanized at every chance left the opening in Cyrus’ heart for her to fill.

“Very well. They started going out. They were inseparable. It seemed destined to be, the perfect couple. Meanwhile, the other scientists and I had discovered a way to go to the moon, to live on it, to survive on it. To be free of this world and create another. Several government agencies, the backdoor, secret agencies nobody wants you to know exist, were… displeased… about this. The only solution they could gather was to remove the face on the program, the head of the company.

“16 years after his parents were married, exactly, of course, a trio of snipers surrounded the area outside the headquarters. His mother stepped outside and received three bullets to the head. Needless to see, she was dead. It devastated young Cyrus, already troubled by being raised without a genuine father. Before she was assassinated she had made me promise to keep him happy, to ensure he never lost sight of love, to watch over and protect him. But never to try to be a parent he no longer had. She didn’t want be being something I wasn’t.

“With Christine’s love and my support he kept on, taking over Team Luna and revoking the name, unsure of a new one. Things were okay. They were really okay. The moon missions were forgotten about and I turned to researching anything and everything that caught my eye. No scientific notion escaped my scrutiny. But what was it all for without a true aim to strive for? Then two of your old friends came onto the scene.

“You didn’t know Paula and George have been villains for longer than you, did you?” “No, they never really talk about their first year or their first mission. Whenever the rest of us proudly discuss our failures they always shrug it off or change the subject. We always assumed they joined after me, around when McCartney and Harrison did. You knew them before?”

I sighed. This was never easy to remember. Never easy to talk about. Never something I wanted to tell Mars about her friends. “Yes. They had just been sent out to rob a museum. It was a minor theft, to simply make sure their training was successful. Christine was 16. She had a summer job at the museum. It was supposed to be closed that day, for renovations after an earthquake. She shouldn’t have been there. They called her in, said she needed to monitor the workmen. So she went.

“She was walking through the room with the three vases Paula and George were supposed to steal. They were already sneaking across the floor when she saw them and ran for the alarm. You remember how it was to be new, inexperienced, adrenaline rushing, excited, engaged, frightened, eager to please, you’d do anything to be a success…”

“Yeah, I do remember. I still think of missions like that in the back of my mind. I can’t help it.”

“I understand. They panicked. What else are newbies to do? Paula had a gun, she looked at George, so young and confused, he nodded, and she aimed…

“Christine stumbled out of the museum. Cyrus and I had been on our way to see her. He was going to propose that afternoon. Paula and George grabbed the vases and ran for it, mortified at what happened their first mission out. It wasn’t really their fault, they didn’t know who she was until after, they’d never been trained in how to make an escape after an alarm had been pulled, they didn’t know what else to do. I think they were set up by Maxie, it really wasn’t their fault…”

“So they killed Cyrus’ old girlfriend? On the first mission they never talk about?” “Yes. Those poor souls never intended to harm anyone, now they certainly wouldn’t need to, they know how to succeed without shooting, but back then, well, any agents from any team would’ve done it. Any poor, innocent rookie trying to make a place in a world of emotionally crippled criminals…

“In any case, she stumbled out and collapsed in his arms. And died there. Before I could run into the museum and call for an ambulance she was dead. After that point, he decided emotions only caused pain, especially love. So he shut them out of his life. But they never were fully gone, as you know.

“When he met you, I could see a change. The way he’d acted with Christine was the way he acted with you, no matter how he tried to hide any affection. But of course, he’d never act on it, would he? Not without a little motivation to. You see where I’m going with this? If you felt threatened by advances from me, he’d feel obligated to pose as ‘your’ man which allowed him to express his true feelings for you whether he recognized them or not.

“Of course I have no true interest in your vastly-young self, I never got married because I never got married, and if I ever was to marry it’d be to some other old, crusty, wrinkly, prune-juice drinking elder not an underage bimbo. But my plan does work quite nicely, doesn’t it?”

I smirk, watching her try to process all this. “So George and Paula owned that ****, Cyrus decided to be a big boss man with no feelings, and you wanted him to shag me by making him jealous?” “More or less.” “Oh… I guess I owe you then.”

She turned and left, giving a last-minute wave. It was a lot for her to take in, I suppose. But at least she knew. At least he had someone. Part of the promise I made to his mother was to never let him go through life alone. Even if he didn’t want to accept his love for Mars, since that’s what it is, he still was in a backwards sense.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d have stuck with the team for so long if I didn’t have such a wrecked childhood. Poor Rotom didn’t mean to shock me… it was just how he was. How he was… but emotionless isn’t how Cyrus was, nor how he should be. Some day he’ll realize what Mars is for him, just like my little robot for Rotom.

Team Galactic decides to cash in on Team Rocket’s old money scheme, SLOWPOKETAILS. Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.

“How did Team Rocket get all their money? They were never so rich before the invasion of Johto. Madame Boss didn’t have a hidden cash cow. So HOW?” Mars yelled at the bleeding, bruised Rocket executive, smacking him with the back of her hand. Each finger had a large, pronged ring, and the jewelry left bloody cuts across the loyal Rocket’s face. The gemstones had been removed, leaving only the open, sharpened prongs.

He steeled himself against her next blow as she continued to scream at him for the secret to Team Rocket’s fortune. “WHAT IS IT?!” the redhead fumed, raking her blood-stained rings down his chest over his heart. Pools of blood were collecting on the floor, and as she stepped to kick his back the puddles splashed up, coating his bare legs.

With her kick the chair he’d been tied to broke, and he flew onto the floor, attempting to raise his nose out of the hot, red liquid so he didn’t drown. He felt her cold hand wrap around his neck and her perfectly-polished nails dig into his throat. Gurgling up more blood and unable to escape the deepening pool, he slumped down, choking.

“You could’ve just told me, and you’d have spared yourself all this. You wouldn’t have needed to be Pluto’s test subject for his pain inhibitor. I think it works quite well, don’t you? Stops the brain from making you pass out due to extreme pain, so you have to lie awake and suffer through more than you’re designed to. Ingenious, ain’t it?” she smirked, digging her long nails further into his flesh.

He shook his head, one eye hanging out of the socket finally disconnecting and dropping into the puddle, splashing his blood into the gaping hole. He hoarsely screamed, attempting to shake it out. In the background, the whir of machinery droned on as a rough, masculine voice gave orders to grunts. Something rose-tinted shone into his eye every so often as the origin of the commands looked up from his clipboard to study the Rocket.

Mars stepped onto a very sensitive area, pressing her foot down lightly. “You’ve still got a chance to tell me, Fred John Bernard. How did they get the money?” she scowled, leaning into his ear to hiss the words out. “How… how do you know my name?” he moaned, spluttering out the blood that filled his mouth. “I was there when they promoted you. Pathetic, loyal fool. What’s the secret?” red eyes glinted black as she crushed any hope of him ever being able to have kids with the sparkling white bottom of her boot.

“You… you… were in… Team Rock…et?” he wheezed, attempting to open his swollen eyelids so he could look at her. “Shocker, huh?” she flattened the flesh beneath her foot, twisting it into the ground. He let out another strangled scream as she smacked him once again. “TELL ME THE SECRET! I WON’T FAIL CYRUS SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU’RE INTENT ON BEING STUBBORN!” her voice rose as she fumed, kicking him onto his back and shattering half his ribs.

One punctured his lung, and as he writhed on the floor trembling in pain his mind went blank, except for one thing…

“Slowpoke tails…”

She slit his throat with a silver dagger bejeweled with rubies and walked off, nodding to a huddled group of disgusted grunts to clean up the mess. They shuddered, but when her crazed glare focused fully on them, the underlings sprung into action.

Pluto curled one side of his lip up at the bloody mess lying in the center of the torture chamber. His invention had worked perfectly. They always did. He followed the redhead out, showing her the spikes of pain the Rocket had felt as she mutilated him.

“Excellent. Something that does exactly what it’s supposed to and completely ruins the mental state of anyone it’s used on. Pluto, you’re a genius!” she exclaimed, clasping her sticky hands together girlishly. Now that she’d succeeded in acquiring the answer for Cyrus, she was back to her usual self. Giddy, lighthearted and crazy for her boss.

The much-older male scanned her, wondering if he had some miracle cleaner he’d invented long ago to get all that blood off. “You should probably change before informing Cyrus of your discovery. He doesn’t like his commanders to look so untidy, you know,” the scientist rasped, frowning disapprovingly at the smears of blood her boots left in her wake.

Looking down at her thin frame, she had to agree Cyrus would be most displeased with her current appearance. “You go find some grunt to clean that up and I’ll change,” she ordered, hurrying off as Pluto went to opposite way to scope out an unwilling janitor.

She opened the door to her room, sighing as it closed. Why did they have to be so brutal sometimes? That Rocket was a good man. Sure, he was deathly loyal to Team Rocket and was a qualified executive, but he didn’t deserve that. But if Cyrus said he did, then it couldn’t be helped. ‘Get the secret any way you can,’ he’d told her, ‘Show no mercy.’ So she hadn’t.

The blood would be a problem to get out, though, she pouted, stripping off her uniform. Trotting into her large shower, she tossed off the rings onto the counter, hoping the now-dried blood of the unfortunate Rocket would come off.

In her fervent scrubbing to clean her hands, she didn’t notice the curtain open and a large figure step in behind her. A sinister snort of amusement alerted her to a visitor. Spinning around, she relaxed at the sight of none other than her boss. “Cyrus, don’t scare me like that! At least tell me you’re in the room,” she scolded, leaning up to kiss him. He backed up, frowning at her blood-stained skin.

“Attempt to clean yourself off before touching me. I take it acquiring the information was difficult. His screams echoed throughout the building,” he coldly laughed, stroking a clean spot on her face. “It was… regrettable but necessary. Pluto tested his pain inhibitor on him. It was a success. A beautifully horrific success,” she sighed, finishing washing the blood off.

He didn’t seem to care. “What is the secret to wealth?” “Slowpoke tails. Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.”

HYUCKHYUCKHYUCKHYUCKHYUCKHYUCK

“Commanders, you have a new goal. There will be no other work until this task is accomplished. We must discover why Slowpoke tails are so valuable. Do it NOW!” Cyrus had called an emergency meeting with the three commanders and informed them of their new task.

“Slowpoke tails? What the heck? You mean like, you chop off a Slowpoke’s tail and sell it?” Jupiter scrunched her nose, disturbed at such a strange prospect. “Yes, unfortunately. That’s how Team Rocket got rich! They depleted the entire Slowpoke Well population and sold all their tails. Now they’re the richest team,” Mars sniffed delicately, flipping through Rocket sales statistics.

Saturn rolled his eyes. “Aren’t we above Googling why some weirdoes want to buy Slowpoke tails for ridiculous prices?” he whined, thinking of all the things he’d be better off doing. “If it means becoming OUTRAGEOUSLY WEALTHY, then nothing is below our standards!” Cyrus roared with laughter, his eyes glistening with insanity. Mars dreamily smiled, watching him cackle in a burst of evil.

“This is really pathetic,” the magenta-haired female whispered to Saturn as they left the room, the redhead a couple steps behind. “I know, it’s absolutely a complete waste of our time. Not to mention what are we supposed to find out that wouldn’t be disgusting? Lonely, rich housewives use them as di-” he whispered back before Mars cut him off, “I know you two think this is stupid, but if Cyrus thinks it’s a good idea, it’s obviously sheer brilliance!”

The other two looked at her. “You’re right, he seems very enthused about this, it must be spectacular!” And suddenly their boss’ bravado statements blinded them once again.

Sitting down in the Galactic Computer Lab, the three began searching for information on Slowpoke tails. Saturn decided to distract himself by trying to get on /b/ and vote on their “Hottest Girl” contest, but Mars punched one of his hair curls down into a crater and he ran off crying to find a mirror to fix it. Jupiter leaned over to see what he was looking at, and when pictures of anorexic women with implants flooded the screen she punched it out.

“You’re going to have to pay for that, you know,” Mars scolded, waggling her finger in a displeased manner. “Well maybe you should /b/lock that stupid site! All he ever does is look at naked women on it,” Jupiter moaned, looking ready to cry herself. “Oh BAAAAW! Don’t take it so seriously, he’s a straight, young adult who is very interested in women. Really dear, do you have to be so upset over every little thing he does?” the redhead rolled her eyes disapprovingly. “You sound like Cyrus with a vagina,” the older female retorted.

Mars looked mortified, “Well I never!”

Saturn chose that moment to return and began whining someone had ruined his woman-viewing time. “Well maybe you should focus on researching Slowpoke tails you jerkoff,” Jupiter scowled, sticking her nose up as he tried to sit next to her. “You’ll just have to share a computer with one of us! Since all the other computers in here are broken, you know! And there’s certainly not enough room near me for you to sit, unless I sat on your lap, which I’m certainly not doing,” red eyes glinted mischievously, watching the male squirm as a dangerous aura seemed to exude from the remaining commander.

Pluto chose that moment to burst in, a bloody lump of something twitching in his gloved hands. “I have a Slowpoke tail!” he exclaimed triumphantly, waving the mass around as blood showered the room. “Oh ew, Pluto stop, I don’t want to be coated in it!” the magenta haired female groaned, looking at the dots of red now gracing her uniform. “Why is it still moving?” Saturn paled, eyes focused in a horrified stare at the flailing tail. “Thanks a lot, you short circuited this computer by shaking that thing around! Really Pluto, couldn’t you have washed it first?” the youngest in the room frowned, waggling her finger to scold him.

The scientist looked blankly at them. “You’re concerned about your anorexic waistline having a few spots of blood, you’re worried about the nerve endings reacting, and you’re worried about a computer that still ran Windows 95? FOOLS! This is a SLOWPOKE TAIL! It’s what will get us rich, and all you can focus on is material things!” he roared, stopping only to thump his chest when he began coughing furiously.

“Isn’t getting rich and having a lot of money material?” Mars blinked, while the other two’s eyes lit up with delight. “WE’LL BE RICH!” “IT’S A SLOWPOKE TAIL ” they shouted.

Pluto pulled out a pistol and smacked the underage female with it. “Never mention such plot holes, fool!” he hissed quietly into her ear as she moaned for Cyrus. Straightening back up to as straight as the crooked old man could be, he turned to address the eager, oblivious commanders. “Yes, this will soon be the secret to a utopia of monetary delights. The likes of which no evil team has ever seen!” he began cackling in a horribly rasp smoker’s cough-like laugh.

They cheered, not noticing the angered redhead slipping on rings without jewels. “NOBODY PISTOLWHIPS ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!” she shouted, slashing his cheek open. The Slowpoke tail dropped to the ground as he reached up to grab his face, and the severed limb slithered out the door as an irritated Cyrus walked in.

“What are you all arguing about… why did a dismembered tail scamper out the door?” he closed his eyes and counted to ten, hoping this was some sort of odd daydream that would end soon enough. Opening them again and looking at the bloody trail on the floor, he sighed, knowing something like this could only happen to him.

Archie and Maxie were gay, and Giovanni was fantasized about by a talking cat on drugs, and everyone else was minor and never televised, but only Cyrus had three sexually-frustrated commanders and an ancient scientist with a fetish for the undead.

“BECAUSE IT’S ALIVE!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!” Pluto shrieked in a mentally-unstable state of insanity. Cyrus deftly palmed the back of his head, knocking the bloody, crazed scientist out.

“Ugh Cyrus he’s such a creeper! He tried to pistolwhip me so I shredded his wrinkly face. Protect me and care for me and lovingly stroke me. Sadie and Jupi can research the value of the tails since we only have one computer here now,” Mars pitiably pleaded, lovingly stroking Cyrus’ face. “Very well,” the boss acquiesced, walking off with her in tow.

Saturn wondered what he’d ever done to be left alone with a raging woman. Jupiter glared at him and spun around in her chair, focusing on the blurry old screen. She really should be using her laptop for this, since it was modern and magenta and pretty, and wait, why were they using the team computers when they had laptops?

Stop, that’s detrimental thinking to this plot!

Oh well, it didn’t matter, she was stuck in a room with a horny guy who couldn’t keep himself off of dirty websites. Mars had told her once he really favored deep magenta hair and eerily skinny waists, so maybe that was why he was staring at her with such an adoringly creepish look.

“I’m not giving you another glance,” she firmly concluded, focusing on the archaic article on Slowpoke tails the wonders of Google had produced. “Look, I know you think I’m some pervert who spends all his time looking up naked girls on the internet and has five subscriptions to Playboy and frames every Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But I don’t! And I’m not gay, either,” he hurriedly added when she snorted in amusement, “I just like trolling /b/ by voting for the ugly girl they always have. If I’d have known you and Mars would go batty over it I wouldn’t have gone trolling with you two staring over my shoulder.”

The magenta-haired commander reluctantly turned to face the bluenette. He had a look of genuine, pitiable sincerity on his pale face, staring timidly into her eyes. “Is it true you have a fetish for abnormally skinny waists?” she innocently asked, lowering her eyes to her disturbingly tiny waist. “Um, yes?” he blushed, nervously shifting feet. “Well go Google pictures of anorexic ****s then,” she smirked, swiveling back to the computer to finish reading.

“Stop being difficult, woman! Now tell me what you find out and I’ll write it down,” he huffed, settling down into the chair with a notebook. “I’m not being difficult! You’re being too sex-obsessed. Well, like we thought, Slowpoke tails are sold for more money than the average person has, and only very wealthy people are able to buy them. Genuine Slowpoke tails are the most valuable, imitation Slowpoke tail is sold for a more reasonable price, but contains far fewer of the desirable qualities a freshly-severed, cool tail has. This stuff is sick,” Jupiter scrunched up her nose, reading the various articles on Slowpoke tails.

Saturn felt like hitting her. “I am NOT sex-obsessed! Why won’t you believe me I was just trolling? You are lacking so much self-confidence,” he retorted, glaring at the back of her head. “Well maybe I wouldn’t be if you didn’t give me a reason to! Write down this: Slowpoke tails have many appealing factors.

“First, they can be used as food. One bite of a Slowpoke tail will send you into an oral orgasm of sheer delight, and it’s very filling too! There’s no fat in a tail, and it contains a full day’s worth of every vitamin and mineral you could want. Who found this bull**** out? Really now, this is sick.

“Second, squeezing a Slowpoke tail will produce blood if you squeeze near the base, but a green-yellow liquid if you squeeze near the top. The latter is an excellent sexual lubri- Oh what the **** people use Slowpoke tail juice during sex? **** Team Rocket for figuring this **** out.”

Saturn paused mid-sentence and blinked. These facts weren’t entirely processing in his mind. “Wait, guys rub something that oozes from a Slowpoke’s dismembered, rotting tail that sounds a lot like pus on their dicks before ****ing a girl?” he felt an inability to think of anything sexual and get turned on for weeks coming on.

“Yes… that is so unbelievably nasty! Ew! Moving on, though I doubt this is going to get any better.

“Third, if you skin a Slowpoke tail, the white tip’s epidermis can be ground into a fine powder and then snorted, smoked, or eaten for one **** of a wild ride. People get HIGH off Slowpoke tail skin?! This just keeps getting sicker and sicker.

“Fourth, the remaining pink skin can be used as a wrap to rejuvenate, exfoliate, and cleanse the pores of any body part in need of some good, old-fashioned care. Simply tie the skin around the area firmly down and let it sit for a few hours. Why not sip some Slowpoke tail blood wine while you wait? Blood wine? I thought that stuff was from Star Trek! People actually drink it?”

“I guess… I’d never want to. I don’t even want to look at another Slowpoke tail, attached or detached, ever again!”

“Me either. Fifth, the blood from a Slowpoke’s tail can be made into a very arousing, intoxicating wine. You won’t know, care, or regret whatever happens after a glass or two of this very high-quality beverage. I think I’d rather die of dehydration than drink a drop of that.

“Sixth, the physical Slowpoke tail itself can be used as a sexually gratifying object in the absence of a real man. A hole can be poked into the tip which, when squeezed, will release a cool, erotic liquid. Rich housewives whose husbands are often on business trips enjoy Slowpoke tails in this manner… **** I never want to be rich if that’s what rich people do. Saturn, let’s be poor peasants so you can never leave me and I’ll never be remotely tempted to whack off.”

“Wait what? When did we determine we were going to be rich or poor? Better yet, when did we figure out we’re getting married?” he dropped the pen in shock, wondering where exactly this notion had come from. At that moment, Cyrus and Mars returned to check on their progress.

“Oh, you’re getting married?! How delightful! We’ll simply have to plan an extravagant wedding!” Mars happily giggled, rushing over to congratulate the pair. Cyrus raised his eyebrows in amusement. “Wait, stop, no, it shouldn’t have come out like that. I didn’t mean to imply that we were getting married or anything…” Jupiter stuttered, suddenly realizing what she’d said.

Saturn kicked the pen with his foot. “So, uh, what was the seventh reason?” he smiled nervously, trying to ignore the giggling superiors. “Saturn and Jupiter, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Mars sang before being pistolwhipped by Pluto, who had recently recovered consciousness and was whirling his bloody hands around his body wildly.

“Pluto, I must request you refrain from beating females. I will lock the door to your lab if you don’t stop,” Cyrus grasped the older male by the back of the neck, tightening his grip. “Yes… sir…” the scientist hissed, eyes bulging as his lungs failed to take in air.

The redhead tenderly poked the side of her head where she’d been hit. Cyrus came up behind her and picked her up, presumably to carry her to get ice. Pluto departed a few moments later, grumbling and heading in the opposite direction.

The remaining commanders blinked. “Who’d have thought Pluto was a pistolwhipper?” Jupiter shrugged, turning back to the blurry screen to discover more disgusting facts about Slowpoke tails.

“Seventh, Slowpoke tails, when lit on fire, make very powerful explosives. They can be used as fireworks, bombs, mining tunnel excavation, or building demolition explosives. Be warned, the full tail will wipe out the entire state of Rhode Island! Well this is a fairly normal use.”

“Finally something not perverted or disgusting.”

“Wonder how long it’ll last. Eighth, if exposed to black light, a Slowpoke tail will glow in darkness. They are able to absorb… some big word… and… some big verb… it as… another big word. Oh well. It doesn’t really matter how it does it.

“Ninth, Slowpoke tails, when combined with various metals, make lovely firework displays. A single tail can illuminate five hours of darkness with an explosion a minute. That might be pretty, but I sort of wonder what kind of shapes it’d produce…”

“Something sexual, no doubt. Are we done yet?”

“No, this is the tenth and last use. If a male inserts his penis into the main artery of the tail, it can be used as a permanent enlarger. The current record for size gain is five inches. …What? People stick their dicks inside a rotting tail to make them grow? You wouldn’t do that, would you?”

Saturn suddenly could only think of another thing he’d like to be inside. And she was sitting right in front of him. “No… unless you wanted me to.” “Well I never would… why are you staring at my lap like that? Saturn? Why’d you throw the notepad outside? Why’d you lock the door? Saturn? Hello? Why are you climbing on top of me? What are you do-” she blinked, watching as he purposefully moved about, eyes glazed over like he was in a trance, before his lips silenced her.

She attempted to tell him to get off, but it came out sounding like ‘**** me hard,’ so he stayed on top of her. This really wasn’t what she wanted to do after reading all those nasty Slowpoke tail facts, but it didn’t look like Saturn had any intention of waiting. And she certainly wasn’t about to force him off…

Meanwhile, Mars eventually returned for the Slowpoke facts. Seeing the notes outside the door, she didn’t bother to open it, picking them up and skipping off to go read. Cyrus had disappeared to somewhere, so she shrugged and sat in his big, plush, swiveling chair, absent-mindedly drinking his mocha latte… thing.

A dangerously crazed glint began sparkling in her eyes as she read what Saturn had written. When Cyrus returned to his office, he found his favorite commander cackling madly, waving the notepad around, eyes glazed over with a psychotic sheen. “Mars, you don’t look normal,” he warily stated, keeping his distance in case she snapped and attempted to harm him.

“Oh, I’ve never been more energized, more ready, more prepared to unleash the ultimate plan on the world! SOON EVERY DOLLAR ON THIS MISERABLE PLANET WILL BE ALL MINE!! AND THERE’S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT!” she shrieked, staggering around like she was stoned on half a dozen different drugs all at once. “Perhaps you need to consider what you are loudly spewing out of your mouth,” the light-blue haired male suggested, unsure if he should move to restrain her or allow her streak of mental instability to simply wear itself out.

“I’ve already considered it. I’ll be RICH! FILTHY, STINKING RICH! TEAM ROCKET WILL LOOK LIKE MEXICO’S POVERTY-STRICKEN POPULATION COMPARED TO ME!” she screamed wildly, cackling once again. “The plan was to acquire the funds for Team Galactic, not your personal use. Have you… forgotten me so easily when tempted by riches?” he almost began to pout, looking sadly at her crazed form.

She settled down immediately and rushed over to him, wrapping her arms around his legs. “Oh I’m sorry honeycakes you’re right it’s not about me it’s about us. How could I have been so stupid and blind? I’ll never be anything without YOU,” she wailed pitiably, stroking his feet like he was some great god. Suddenly Cyrus wondered just how mentally troubled she really was.

“It is alright, Commander Dearest, you are forgiven. Now, come here and tell Big Poppa Cyrus your idea,” he simpered, carrying her back to his chair. He cringed at having to use the pet names she’d created, but it would keep her calm for the moment. “Well, Pluto showed me the Slowpoke he had some grunts rip the tail off of, and it regenerated the tail! So there’s an unlimited source of wealth from just ONE Pokemon! All we need to do is buy a Slowpoke breeding farm and pull their tails off and sell them. We have that ‘Sexy Marketing Salesmen’ division, you know, the one Saturn thought of? With that Abercrombie model guy and those three female models? The ones with the implants and long, flowing, wavy blonde hair? So we can have them market the tails, and rich people from all over will buy! Isn’t it brilliant?”

Cyrus sighed. “Yes, Mars, it is ingenious. There is no question about how intelligent and clever you are for thinking up such a quality plan to get rich. Purchase the Slowpoke, instruct the marketing unit, and begin to sell the tails,” he instructed, wondering just how sound this plot was.

When she didn’t move from his lap, he attempted to nudge her off. “Commander, I believe I told you to begin.” “Oh, there’s plenty of time to sell Slowpoke tails. Right now, I have something even more enjoyable in mind,” she seductively whispered, stroking the side of his face lovingly. “What would that be?” he asked routinely, playing along with her little game. She’d react the best if he just went along with whatever crazy things she came up with.

“Well, we could test out the theory Slowpoke tails are simply excellent sexual stimulants…” she purred, reaching for a tail that was lying on the desk, recently deposited by Pluto when she’d asked him to check her math.

Cyrus attempted to keep from throwing up. “NO!” he shouted, rapidly standing up and running out of the room. Mars, now in a pile on the floor with the severed limb pinning her down, began crying.

In a few hours, when Saturn and Jupiter would discover their boss sitting in a corner, clutching his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth, muttering something about how his uncle who always wore a wife beater had his Slowbro beat Cyrus with its tail, they’d wonder how clever this whole idea was. Hitting the older male with a chair leg, still attached to the chair, they eventually subdued him enough to order some curious grunts to carry him back to his room.

Hearing their fellow commander still sobbing, the pair leaned cautiously into the office, peering warily around, ready to dart off at the first sign of anything disturbing. But alas, there was only Mars, trapped beneath a Slowpoke tail, miserably telling herself she wasn’t a failure at love.

“Oh Mars, of course you aren’t a failure at love! Cyrus was just abused as a child by his uncle and his Slowbro, that’s all,” Jupiter stupidly commented, smiling idiotically as Saturn kicked the tail off the female. “Really? He doesn’t hate me?! Just pink tails?!” she hopped up excitedly, eyes shimmering.

“Of course he doesn’t hate you! Just never bring up whatever you did to freak him out again and you’ll be fine. He’s in his room,” the magenta-haired female replied, still cheery. “You’re too happy. You’re never this happy. You’re always raging about something or other, and Saturn’s always whining about some insignificant detail. Did you two have sex?” the redhead suddenly asked, putting her hands on her hips.

The other two commanders looked at each other, unsure how to best answer her blunt question. “Well, yes…” the bluenette shrugged at last. “Oh yay I win! I guessed right! I’m just so super-awesome!” she cheered, waving as she darted out to go find Cyrus.

The duo was left standing, staring out the door at the younger girl. “Alright then,” Jupiter finally said, wondering if she’d need to see a shrink soon. “So, uh, you free tonight?” Saturn piped up after a few minutes of silence. “Yeah, I am. Should we, um, go somewhere? Together?” she shifted feet, giggling nervously. “Sure, sure, that was what I was, uh, going for. The Rio de Italia sound good?” “Yeah.”

The loud moans of their superiors interrupted the awkward silence. Pluto burst into the room soon after, looking terribly frightened and pale. A trail of greenish blood appeared to be dripping from the back of his head. “Pluto what the **** happened?” Saturn gasped as the creeper collapsed, eyes rolling back in his head.

“Lab… research table… results… the tail… alive… mutations…” he managed to cough out between squirts of green blood. Jupiter called 911 as the scientist slowly stopped writhing on the floor. “Pluto, what went wrong?” Saturn asked again, kneeling beside the battered male.

“Slowpoke tail… mutated… never let… anyone know…” he rasped before passing out. The commanders carefully carried him down to the ambulance, worriedly watching the elderly male be driven away. “Think we should check it out?” the bluenette didn’t exactly want to snoop around a lab where a man was just brutally attacked, but what else could be done?

The door to Pluto’s subterranean world of science was tossed open, resting against the steel wall. The pair cautiously crept in, Jupiter clinging to Saturn’s arm. A lone tail rested on a cracked metal table, emitting a strange green glow. The area was bathed in green blood, far more than Pluto would’ve been able to support and still run up the entire Galactic building. A grunt’s half-dissolved head was nestled beneath the severed area of the tail, the rest of the body still oozing the thicker than normal green blood on the floor.

“What the **** happened here?” Jupiter nearly screamed in horror, backing up. “That tail… I think it mutated, killed the grunt, attacked Pluto, and is trying to eat the head. I hope this is some strange fluke and it won’t happen to every tail we sell,” the bluenette reached for his gun. He shot the tail, which writhed and made a lurch forward, as if to attack them. He shot it again and a sac of some strange blue liquid burst, coating the grunt’s corpse and rotting away the flesh and muscle. Jupiter shrieked, darting out of the room. The tail moved no more, and Saturn quickly followed her.

“We can’t tell anyone about this. Mars is going to begin selling the tails tomorrow, they’re already shipped out, it’ll cost too much to call it all off. I just hope this doesn’t happen again…” he sighed, ushering her back up to his room.

The next day would be the launch of the greatest money-making scheme ever, which hopefully wouldn’t end in failure. “We still on for tonight?” the male asked. “Yeah, why not? Let’s go get drunk and sleep through Mars’ crazy idea. You know what just **** me senseless right now, we’re supposed to be finalizing her broadcasts and stuff but I really don’t want to. Distract me, won’t you?” she simpered, practically pouncing on the lean, feminine man beside her.

“I think I will…”

HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK

“MY SLOWPOKE TAIL EMPIRE IS BLOOMING! SOON I’LL HAVE DOUBLED THE AMOUNT TEAM ROCKET MADE!” Mars cackled, watching her smiling face chanting the joys of Slowpoke tails on every megascreen in Veilstone. Cyrus observed the Galactic stocks skyrocket and a massive influx of funds enter their bank accounts.

When one commercial stopped, another soon began playing. The pale redhead was plastered on nearly every television throughout the regions. “SLOWPOKE TAILS, HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK! ONLY P1,000,000!” she sexily cheered, pumping her fists into the air as Slowpoke tails floated gaily about her.

“It’s a real shame Saturn and Jupiter decided to get wasted last night. Now they’re sleeping and missing our greatest triumph ever,” she sighed, turning away from the window and striding over to sensually plop herself down in the older male’s lap. “What’s my reward for this?” rolled off her tongue, which flicked out to lick his ear.

With the question of why Pluto was released from a hospital after suffering severe blood loss, and having his blood turned GREEN, whirring around in Cyrus’ head, he wasn’t exactly in the mood for her antics. He reviewed the reports again. The grunts who had been helping, Saturn and Jupiter, even Pluto himself, they all said everything had gone according to plan and there was nothing wrong. Sure, that was why his chief scientist had been mauled by an unknown force, and a good grunt hadn’t been seen since slightly before the ambulance came.

“You’re ignoring me. After all I’ve done for us over the past few days, you can’t even give me a simple ‘not now, baby’ or even a shake of your head. I don’t know why I bother, sometimes, you never appreciate me or anything I do…” she moaned accusingly, blinking rapidly so her eyes would water.

“That is most certainly untrue! I am very grateful for you and all that you do for the team. It is simply illogical to think anything remotely to the contrary. You will always be my special little Commander Dearest…” reaching out to caress her slender abdomen, he wondered why he tried so hard to keep her mentally sane. This hero-worship psychopathic illness she had was quite irritating sometimes.

She began pulling off his shirt. “That’s good to hear. I was worried for a moment. All I want to do is make you happy and proud of me,” her alluringly seductive voice whispered. “I know… I know,” he sighed. It was too hard to stay mad at her, when all she ever wanted to do was please him.

“I do make you happy, don’t I? You’re proud of me, right?” she whimpered, naked and tugging gently at hairs on his chest. “Without a doubt, both are true,” going along with whatever she wanted was the easiest way out. She didn’t cry or attempt to kill herself. And she needed to be at her best for the Slowpoke tail revolution.

“I’ve got another interview in an hour… think we’ll be done by then?” Mars smirked, dragging her hand up and down his torso. “If we aren’t it will cause quite a scandal,” he snorted, roughly kissing her neck. “We certainly wouldn’t want that…”

HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK

“I still don’t trust this whole thing. It’s making Mars crazier than before, and that attack on Pluto creeps me out,” Saturn crossed his arms, standing in the background as Mars spun around for the cameras. Jupiter was next to him, warily eying the duo in front of them. Cyrus was directly behind the redhead, juggling Slowpoke tails.

“I agree. Mars has started cackling more frequently now. It was eerie enough when Cyrus did it, but now BOTH of them can’t shut up!” she whispered back, pouting. “You’re pretty when you pout,” the bluenette remarked, reaching out to stroke her face. She blushed, giggling madly.

Saturn’s expression turned sour. “This is revolting.” As the pair began to turn away from the cameras to leave the stage, a small voice called out. “Hello there, are you the people responsible for the return of Sl… Slowpoke… t-t-tails?”

“Well not us exactly, but I suppose you could say that,” Jupiter shrugged, looking down at a yellow-skinned, terribly underfed girl with a swollen black eye. “What do you need?” the commander continued. “I… I don’t think you know… what the… the tails… can do… to families…” she began sobbing.

If Mars had been paying attention, she’d have attempted to comfort the obviously-troubled child. However, Saturn and Jupiter knew not how to soothe children, nor did they really give a rip about if some dumb kid was having a cry. So they stared down at her, bored.

“Do you have something important to our lives?” the male rolled his eyes, cocking his hip to one side. “Really, we have places to be and stuff,” the other commander agreed.

The child looked up with tortured, watery eyes. The commanders stared at each other, uninterested in the pathetic creature before them. “Yes… I’ll tell you what happened to me when my very-rich parents bought Slowpoke tails from Team Rocket...” but the girl trailed off.

“Oh, yes... I remember now... it was a dark night, I was in the alley alone, the big black man came out from behind a dumpster, he came closer to me, I screamed girlishly, he turned away and walked off, saying he was only interested in “the dick.” I asked Mommy what that was and she cut my vagina out.

The commanders blinked. “What the ****,” Jupiter bluntly said at last. “Well your life doesn’t suck or anything,” was the only thing Saturn could think of.

They whispered together quietly for a moment. “We have determined Slowpoke tails may bring more harm than good to society. The attack on Pluto, the removal of this young girl’s reproductive organ… who knows what else they can cause? We’d better research this some more,” the male commander announced to nobody in particular.

HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK

Meanwhile, in a land not entirely far away, some sinister creepers were plotting the demise of some familiar faces.

“Lord Obama, what are we going to do? These… these… fiends… are ripping the tails off Slowpokes! This is an outrage! This is animal abuse! We, the Dark Empire of PETA, must put a stop to this nonsense!” a crusty, wrinkled, shriveled, half-Bidoof, half-person thing rasped. His name was Biden, and he scuttled along the floor much like a crab.

The robed, ominous figure at the head of PETA’s only table laughed. “Yes, my pet, I will strike soon, once Iran has completed their missiles for me. Tomorrow, we launch our attack on Team Galactic! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!” Obama began cackling madly, and Biden soon joined in.

HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK

Saturn and Jupiter were quite distressed. There were many stories, buried or hidden, about the dangers of Slowpoke tails. More people’s lives were ruined by Slowpoke tails in some regard than any other way in the year Team Rocket had first introduced the phenomenon. The original salesman who had trolled outside of Azalea Town for many a month was now in the highest-security prison’s psychiatric ward, shuddering on the floor, chanting about the many side-effects of the tails constantly.

There was a terror in his eyes unlike any other. He’d seen the true horrors of Slowpoke tails, and it had left him forever mentally insane. The poor old fool was nothing compared to the pimp sporting purple and navy, waggling Slowpoke tails around the routes of Johto, who had made a fortune for the team.

Pluto’s recovery was slow, though he appeared to be stable for the moment. As the Team Galactic Bank Accounts swelled outrageously fast, Mars and Cyrus slipped deeper into insanity.

This had to stop now.

There was an unstable aura in the air, an ominous sort of bliss that came just before a great onslaught of unbeatable destruction.

A knock was heard on the Team Galactic Headquarters door. A lone knock. The secretary stood up, walked to the doors, pushed them open, and was promptly tackled to the ground by an overweight furry. Darth Obama strode in, observing his surroundings with an elitist gaze.

Saturn and Jupiter crept down the stairs, peering into the room as PETA’s furry army stormed the lobby. Their mouths dropped open, watching the hairy people toting guns sniff around for Slowpokes.

“I’ll go get the grunts, don’t you do a thing until I get back, you hear me?” she firmly instructed, darting off to find the trigger-happy grunt ward.

“You there! Blue-haired, feminine male! Tell us all you know about Slowpoke tails and this organization’s brutal exploitation of the species,” Obama hissed, using his dark side powers to pull the commander from his hiding place.

“I know you’re a lunatic! And you’re exploiting furries’ love of things with fur! You’ll never get away with whatever vile plot you have!” he bravely shouted, choking as Obama wrapped a lean hand around his neck.

Looking down at the skinny white male, the taller creeper faked a smile. “It’s a true shame you won’t be around to witness me destroying your fortune,” he laughed curtly, squeezing tighter.

“STOP RIGHT THERE YOU CREEPY, ELITIST CRAZY!” Mars shrieked, flying down the stairwell, open-pronged rings securely on her fingers, bouncing off the wall and slashing Obama’s hand open.

Saturn fell to the floor and scampered back to safety, hiding behind Jupiter and Cyrus.

A SWAT team rushed into the building, surrounding the bleeding PETA dictator and the underage commander. “Sir, this woman is ripping the tails off Slowpoke and selling them for her own personal profit. Place her under arrest!” Obama ordered, pointing at the redhead.

“Well you were trying to strangle Saturn! And you just forced your way in here! You should be arrested for being a failure,” Mars sniffed daintily, folding her arms crossly.

“This is messed up,” Jupiter commented from the sidelines. “My great empire… has hit a roadblock,” Cyrus sighed, lowering his head into his hands mournfully.

The SWAT team, grunts and furry army began fighting, brutally beating each other up. “I WILL STOP YOUR CARELESS MUTILATION OF SLOWPOKES HERE AND NOW!” Obama roared, eyes glowing red as he began levitating.

“Oh suck an egg. HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!” the redhead snorted, roundhouse kicking him in a very painful location. She roared with laughter as he fell to the floor, writhing in agony. “THIS IS MY EMPIRE, *****!” Mars yelled, snapping Obama’s neck while he was down.

“Mars, he’s right, the Slowpoke tails are unstable, they’ve made people do crazy things, some of them turn radioactive and attack people! You need to stop! Do you remember the original salesman? The most successful pimp ever? He’s now huddled on the floor of an insane asylum, rocking back and forth, trying to get the evils of Slowpoke tails out of his head. Do you want to end up like him? You’re mentally troubled already and you have a hero-worship complex, AND you’re incurably in love with your older boss. You’re so close to the edge, don’t push yourself over!” Saturn pleaded, crawling up to the triumphant redhead.

Cyrus looked up, contemplating something. “We have already amassed enough money to buy Microsoft, Apple, and every birth control maker. I believe it is safe to stop our efforts. And… I don’t want anything more to happen to your mental state, Mars,” he softly stated, slowly walking up to her and lovingly stroking her face.

She looked longingly into his eyes, with that familiar crazed glint Saturn and Jupiter recognized all too well. “Really? You care more about me than wealth? Than getting rich? You really care?” she questioned, lip trembling.

“Yes… If anything were to happen to you, all these funds would mean nothing, without you…” his lips grew closer to hers, almost touching…

“Alright folks clear out, the Sap Show on the USS Loveboat is private, nothing to see here,” Jupiter rolled her eyes, ushering the grunts back to their floor, and the furries and SWAT team out the door, locking it.

“So ends the Great Slowpoke Tail Revitalization. Well, we’re insanely rich now, and Mars isn’t in the fetal position chanting nonsense yet, so I’d say things are fine,” Saturn commented, standing up and dusting himself off. “AND I killed Obama!” Mars added, smiling. “And Cyrus said you’re more important than success and money!” Jupiter put in, cheering with the other commanders.

Pluto stumbled in, supported by a cranky old Heatran. “What are we going to do with all the Slowpoke?” he huffed, having heard the sales were ending. “Well… Since PETA adores them so much…” Mars winked innocently, eying the receding figures of Biden and the furries.

“This is a most excellent plan, Mars dearest. I am quite pleased you thought of such a devious, cunning plot,” Cyrus began cackling madly, eyes lighting up.

“I know right! HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!” the redhead soon followed him, and they stood in the middle of the lobby shrieking with deranged laughter.

Pluto, still battered, looked at the sane commanders, who looked back and shrugged. All five of them were soon engrossed in laughing, not caring who heard their crazed hilarity. The only thing that mattered was they had about 10 bank accounts with over $100 billion each. And each other, snuggled together in psychopathic bliss.

If you read all 15 pages in Word of that, care to leave a review with some crit/thoughts? ?

Thanks =D
Well it's a little late, but I was off not being an internet bum lately so... TG Halloween 'shot, better late than never :P

Short Halloween ‘shot. It’s still Halloween for me!!

“Someone remind me as to why we decided not to drive to that dumb haunted house,” Saturn whined, shivering as he wrapped his arms around him. He’d had to fork over his jacket to Jupiter, whose sexy but skimpy Queen of Hearts costume was unsuccessful at keeping her warm in the brisk night air.

Mars and Cyrus rolled their eyes, splitting apart to step around a gravestone. They had been forced to cut through a cemetery to return to Headquarters due to an accident blocking the road. “Because it WAS only a couple blocks away, until those idiots crashed,” Jupiter reminded him, stumbling over a broken stone.

The bluenette’s mafia outfit had multiple punch stains, several from himself being careless, and several from women who didn’t appreciate his flirting. The swelling, purple circle around his eye was the result of Jupiter’s fist connecting with his face, after he tried to cop a feel on another woman.

The redhead had gone as Princess Ariel, and somehow convinced Cyrus to be her prince. Even Pluto had gotten into the spirit and dressed up as Igor.

The short male had been trailing behind the others, complaining that the dancing had thrown his hip out. They soon realized his footprints could no longer be heard. A swift breeze blew Saturn’s hat off, carrying it away to some far-off resting place. He cursed and kicked the ground, stubbing his toe on a marker.

He was nowhere to be seen. “Pluto, please indicate to us your location,” Cyrus bellowed, scanning the graveyard carefully. No reply came.

“I suppose we have to look for him. Spread out guys, but don’t fall and crack your head open on a tombstone. There’s enough things rotting in here already,” Jupiter scowled, daintily stepping over a hole.

They each took a different direction, looking around for any place Pluto may have fallen or collapsed. Jupiter had walked behind a tree to search when she heard Mars scream. When she tried to turn around, a solid mass blocked her path. She shrieked too as something gagged her mouth.

“Jupiter?” “Mars?” the males called out at the same time to their respective girlfriends. When neither female replied, they jogged back towards each other, feeling it was no longer safe to be alone.

“Cyrus I’m scared. This is creepy, three people don’t just vanish in a cemetery on Halloween night unless there are zombies or ghosts or skeletons kidnapping them and forcing them into their undead legions!” Saturn whined once again, nervously eying his surroundings.

While the taller man looked visibly concerned, his voice rang strong. “I am sure there is no supernatural foul play at work here. It is probably the prank of several horny teenagers,” he stated, though it sounded like a poor excuse.

“Oh great a bunch of drunk losers who can’t get laid are going to knock up our girls. We have to find them!” the younger male bravely roared, striking a pose and setting forth to look for the missing commanders.

The earth began trembling, a large red welt forming before the two males. “HOLY COW!” Saturn yelled, jumping back into Cyrus, who tried to stand firm and maintain his ground. An eerie set of smoldering yellow and red eyes peered out of the gaping opening now leaking magma.

“Wh-who are you?” Cyrus stuttered, now quite worried about the safety of his underlings. “I am your doom,” a raspy, deep voice droned as a wide, toothy mouth opening, large teeth dripping blood, making almost a striped pattern over the black expanse. “What have you done with Commanders Mars and Jupiter, and Pluto?” the boss once again questioned, glaring back at the creature.

“They made a lovely snack,” it let out a lone snort of laughter, swaying from side to side as bloody claws dragged it out of the hole. The magma didn’t seem to bother its deep crimson feet as it plodded along. “What do you want with us?” Saturn cried out, looking ready to begin sobbing.

There was a loud sigh from the beast, “You really ought to feed your females more, they aren’t exactly filling.” The males’ eyes went wide, and they attempted to back up. A large, cold object prevented them from turning escaping, and a black car glowing bright blue had recently stopped behind them.

“It’s all over, son,” the creature laughed again, chortling to itself. The car began moving to the left, pushing the pair closer and closer to the creeping monster. “Oh this is a dreadful way to end the night. I haven’t gotten laid yet and now some flaming critter is going to eat us alive,” the whiny commander complained once again, folding his arms as the beast opened its mouth.

“This is Pluto’s Heatran approaching us and Rotom controlling the vehicle,” Cyrus suddenly stated, frowning at the Pokemon, which came to an abrupt halt. “You just HAD to recognize him, didn’t you?” the disappointed scientist huffed, crawling out of the hole and helping the two gagged girls out. They glared angrily at him, storming back to the other males.

Rotom emerged from the car and guiltily settled on Heatran’s head. “You probably set up that accident just so you could try and spook us, didn’t you?” Mars snorted, folding her arms crossly. “Well yes, I did. Every evil old genius has to have a little fun every once in a while,” he smiled, climbing onto his Heatran’s back.

“I hope you rot,” the magenta-haired female retorted, turning around and climbing into the car. “Have Rotom drive us home,” Cyrus dejectedly sighed, upset he’d been so easily duped.

“You were scared,” Saturn giggled in the car. “You were worried about me,” Mars happily grinned. “You were stuttering you were so terrified,” Jupiter added. “This is all false information,” Cyrus informed them, attempting to look as emotionless as possible. “You look like a kid who didn’t get what they wanted on Christmas.” “Be quiet or I’ll demote you.” “You’re making threats!”

Cyrus plugged his ears and chanted “I’m not listening.” It was better than listening to the commanders carry on. The car cackled, Rotom’s sense of humor startling many people walking on the sidewalk.

Pluto just smiled ahead from the back of his Heatran.

Better short than not at all, right? D; Leave some comments/crit if you read... shouldn't be that hard haha :P