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You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

My day overall wasn’t too bad. Went into school at 10:50pm. Forgot we were in a different classroom, walked in. Left, embarassed. I was still quite depressed at this time. The history. First period was boring and just depressing. Then lunch and there was A LOT of drama for the next 1hr and 45mins. I’m not going to lie, I still enjoy drama. Ever since I was little I did. Well as long as it didn’t effect me so of course I loved friend drama hated family drama. So the dramas:

First was that this girl called KA liked this boy and the boy liked her back and her friend called T liked him too and they kissed and so KA got upset and fell out and we heard about it and so then KA was walking a long and MU said, quite loudly: “is that the girl?”
To which she replied: “Yes, no fuck off.” MU then yelled “fuck off” down the corridor.

Now MU being MU got hyped up and was prepared for a fight and went to look for her, the promise that she would get her back after the holidays.

Speaking of the holidays, my school is now on holiday whilst my brother’s school still has to go tomorrow.

Then the next bit, I’m in history and AY keeps asking where SHu is looking at her. Now to explain why I asked this next question I need to explain what happened in science.

In science, my new ritual in that lesson is to complain that I have Mr TD next. I said to SK: “You know I’m being stared at by Mr TD, AY is being stared at by SHu, it’s such an awkward place to be”. SK begun to laugh so I enquired what made her laugh and she said it was SHu staring at AY. She said there was a story behind it.
I was now intrigued. But SK wouldn’t tell me just yet. She told me about 1/2 later. Now, I’m not a fan of sharing this story even in my blog but I need to, to explain why I asked this question that radically altered the events of that lesson.
From what I understand, SHu and AY used to talk and apparently she used to stalk him, calling him all the time and texting him and then one day they got in an argument where he threatened to call the police and put her in some police database and she said “I wish you had what your grandfather has!” (his grandfather has cancer). That is what SK told me. But she didn’t know some of the vital elements like how AY got SHu number.
Back to the story, I asked, “So what happened?” AY said: “It’s a long story.”
I tilted my head to the side put it on my hand and I did that purposefully because I know that I could get her to tell me by staring at her. So she did.
Her story: He thought she was cute and they got to talking in drama and they made friends and exchanged numbers. He really liked her and told her so but she was interested in someone else (she even told him who!) and so eventually he turned his attention to my old friend and AY’s best friend HS and then one day AY was asking him about his feelings for her and he got annoyed and then she accidentally said the wrong thing about his grandfather (not the thing SK said she had said) and he got REALLY angry and threatened to call the police and he stopped talking to her.
So to give my opinion on the subject, I think that SK interpreted the story negatively because she dislikes AY. I believe AY’s view on the events and therefore understand everything.
But to what happened in history she said she was going to text him and she did and there was just this back and forth of texting which is HILARIOUS! I was depressed but this got me from severely to moderately. But I was surpised to learn that SHu who I orignally thought was quite nice firstly had such a taste in girls (more refering to HS than AY) and that he had such a temper. Shows it’s not easy to judge a person.

So doctors. We went. We had to fill in a sleep survery. First bit was on snoring. I don’t snore or not enough for people to hear. Second bit was on whether you fall asleep doing such tasks. Third bit was about dozing and you had to rate how frequently you dozed in the following scenerios. I didn’t fully understand what dozing meant so I put ‘2’ but my dad said you don’t so I changed everything to ‘0’. We went back in. He said two things: one try 4mg maybe twice a week at night. Two: that the hospital can reject the referall. I mean I score low on the sleep apena test and I’m 16 years old. The usual people to go to these places are obese men in their 40s or 50s according to my doctor and I’m not obese, I’m not even overweight according to my BMI so I would be rejected from the sleep clinic but he’s going to write a letter explaining my circumstances and hopefully I will be seen. But it’s still not a definite. The chances I have sleep apena are 1000000 to 1. That’s all they’ll test me for though. Is sleep apena. Apparently though if the 4mg doesn’t work they’ll bump me up to 6mg, if that doesn’t work they’ll bump me up to 8mg and maybe even 10mg. So that’s awesome.

Happy Secret’s Day Everyone. Remember to check back at midnight my time to see what secrets people have sent me. Send me your secrets at: myobviouslittlesecret@hotmail.co.uk

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40 thoughts on “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.”

dozing is a state where you are almost asleep but not quite, sort of limbo. like a light sleep, while doing other things usually, eg, reading blogs or watching tv.

kk, I am not saying you have sleep apnea, but it is good to rule it out. It occurs in, I was going to say children, but think will change that to younger people… as well for various reasons. It can cause depression and mania, hyperactivity. Night terrors and so on. So you see why it should be checked.

Interesting you have holidays now, but that is great, you could use the break. 🙂

It is great they are looking at changing the dosage though, please give them feedback quickly if unwanted results occur. It would be so fantastic if it allows you some sleep.

I know you never said I had it. But this is what this test is for just a type of sleep apnea. That was comissioned by my psychiatrist without even talking to me. He’s making me go because of dissociative sleep, not because of the mood swings. I’m pretty sure he’s convinced it’s a type of bipolar. They said that at this sleep clinic its really only 40-50 year old obese men have it which is why they might reject a 16 year old, normal weight girl. But I have bipolar. My moodswings are not caused by sleep apena, so please don’t think they are.

Yeah, I could.

My GP did it, he said to go back if it doesn’t work even once. I know when I have to give feedback, I’m told 😛

Actually the number of younger people with sleep apnea is quite high, and with some lung damage your chances could be a bit higher. Seems to be related a bit to bipolar as well.

I would order the test for you, just to eliminate something, often the way to a diagnosis is to eliminate all the other possibilities.

I am not saying you don’t have bipolar, the only information I have is from your blog, I have opinions, but it would be unfair to diagnose from that, look how long your pdoc is taking, and he met with you.

Bipolar also can cause insomnia, insomnia exacerbates all the symptoms as well, a vicious circle with you in the middle.

If the meds work and you manage some sleep, some of your mood swings may not be quite as worse. Hopefully. right? OH, do you have them yet? when do you start on the new dosage?

I already have the medication. I just take two diazepam instead of one, it’s just the same medication. I only take that twice a week at night due to the addictiveness of them. So I can have them whenever I feel like providing it’s only twice in a week. So Friday night will probably be the first time.

nods, really. but again, without the test, we don’t know, it is a possibility. Interesting your pdoc ordered the appt a week after I mentioned it 🙂 (pssst, he is slow) lol.

hmmm, ok, I think the insomnia is either caused by sleep apnea or ptsd. I know you don’t talk about that much, and I don’t want to open any wounds. It could be caused by both and also bipolar, all three could be doing it, or any two.

A serotonin deficiency can cause insomnia, so you can see how things become all interrelated?

You have gone a long time with little sleep, this is adding up, not to worry you, just that it is having an impact on depression. When you start to manage a bit more sleep, it really is going to help.

Yeah, true. I mean I did read a bit after you suggested it and I read the treatment – being on some machine. So I hope I don’t but then in a way I do so that I can finally get rid of this insomnia and hopefully cure my chest pain when lying down.

Knowing my luck it’ll be all three 😛 But in all seriousness, yeah, I don’t mind talking openly about the prospect of bipolar because there’s a physical and psychological cause (chemical imbalance and tramatic events) but I don’t like talking of the prospect of PTSD, I always assumed I was too strong to develop it.

How do you get seretonin? Like from the sun or from food and which food?

Yeah, at the moment it’s not too bad, I’m getting two hours every night. But I know my body, it’ll come used to not having to get out of bed early, sleep longer and have a nightmare and this lovely pattern will be messed up with my body’s own reprehensible fear.

Serotonin is one of a few chemicals in the brain. Foods to increase levels? In a very short answer, carbohydrates, whole grains, veggies, fruits, beans.

In a long answer it is more complicated. Meds are designed to do that. carbohydrates can increase levels in a complicated way. Honestly the answer is a blog post in length. I mentioned exercise yesterday. I can see you grimace too *grins* but that will increase levels dramatically. Now don’t go running around the block, I don’t want you to collapse with no air getting in. but exercise can really increase serotonin levels in the brain. vitamin b6 too is necessary in their production. confused?

chest pain? I don’t think you mentioned that before, or I missed it. What chest pain Munchkin?

the cpap machine is a comfortable face mask, it has a low pressure air that is pumped in, it fits over your nose and mouth. It sounds terrible but those that use it seem to not be bothered at all, and sleeeeeep. but that is not the only cure/treatment.

I know ptsd or discussing it, sort of scares you a bit, or scars you even. I would love to help you through that, but it really isn’t something that can be delicately handled through typing. Those events are so terrible, but you are not alone in them, not that this makes you feel any more comforted with it. But when I say I know… I really know. There are so many ways something traumatic can torment the mind, not just for young minds, but those are more susceptible to creating a sort of bubble or environment to help deal with it.. that doesn’t really deal with it. I am so dearly hoping I am not bothering you by mentioning this. You need to be honest to me in a reply too, if it bothers you. I can’t read your body language as you take in information, to see how you respond. I think you already answered that though.

ok, close your eyes and breathe deep. I am giving you a very tender hug right now.

I’m quite good with veg, fruits and carbohydrates. Not really beans. I eat whole grain cereals. I may be okay on that front. But my stomach in my opinion doesn’t absorb nurtients properly (which is common with celiac disease and a rarity (but not impossible) in IBS, so I won’t rule anything food based out 😛

I understand it, I take Health and we’ve learnt about it too a degree and I had to learn about which vitamins help iron absorb when I was iron deficient anaemic.

I have mentioned it, I think. I dno, my memories going at my old (mental) age 😛 Basically I lie down on my back (if I’m on my side or front it doesn’t hurt) and it feels like there is a rock or like a fluid weighing down my lungs and it just kills, feels sorta like drowning. Very painful. Could be muscular since I have a problem with my left shoulder (old sports injury) but I dno, just really hurts.

I don’t mind having it to be honest, as long as I’m in my own home (or a family members home), I’m comfortable.

It doesn’t bother me, honestly. Talking about it with you is good (well not good that it has to be mentioned as a possibility but good we can talk about it, if you get what I mean). It’s never easy talking (or typing) but I’m a big girl, I have to accept the fact it is a possibility. I read that PTSD people are most likey to self harm and that PTSD manifests itself with bipolar by having more depressed episodes than manic and making depression worse and sort of worsening depression when you are depressed.

Yeah he knows and he was like “could last a week, could last a month. There is no real time scale”. I have no idea whether it’s from the lung damage or something else entirely.

I learned about self harm young from people saying ’emos slit their wrists’ so I knew about it and then as I grew up, I’d come across things (not looking for them but come across things as you do) which explain that self harm was more to cope with stress. When I was younger I self harmed with a knife but the depression kept coming and going in periods of months so self harm stopped. Then when I got older and could understand everything better and the depression was worse, I tried self harming again with a knife but the knife left me with no satisfaction or release. Then one day (sorry to get sorta weird) I was shaving my legs and cut my leg and it made me feel a bit better, so I took the razor and it cut my fingers, making me feel better so I fashioned the blade into something I could use on my wrist and it made me feel better. I’m not addicted. I only use it when I’m very depressed or very close to suicide. I use it to keep me from the brink rather than a coping mechanism.

I would never edit out anything. Unless I was asked to or it was just downright offensive. I don’t mind moving to email, I’m comfortable with both email and comments 🙂

I have to be honest, I don’t know what that last question says. Sorry 😦 😛 🙂

the events you don’t like to talk about. the episodes, to be delicate. Have you spoken to anyone about them, not the pdoc, and not online? Like in person?

Ok so we have determined you are very bright, and I am not just saying that. So you see both sides of self harm. You feel what you call the coping results from it, you haven’t tried other methods yet, I mentioned some the other day. At some point people that self harm decide to stop. They have to decide that though, that they want to. Many times, all it takes is a promise to someone they respect, that they will stop, and they manage. I sooo want you to stop Munchkin, but you have to want that.

You need to get that surge of adrenaline and endorphin from something else. *nods lots*

What the dissociative episodes? Or the SA (sexual assualt)? The dissociative episodes, yes. With pdoc, dad, brother and friends. The SA, one person. Who made me feel guilty for not telling the police at the time as he could have done it to more girls.

I tried some other methods. I tried light exercise but that made me feel worse, meditating let me go too far into depressed thoughts and made me feel worse, eating sugary things, eating an apple, having a cup of something warm and some other stuff but none help like self harm. I know I’ll stop when I’m on antidepressants or some form of medication to stop me feeling suicidal. But like I said, it isn’t a coping method for me, it’s just something to keep me from the edge.

the sa, nods. awww, guilt is not what you needed, so no one else then, you have bottled it up and tried to deal with it on your own. For quite a long time.

Well, what do you think sucking on a lemon wedge would do for you, or even a table spoon of salt? Would that intense feeling give you the same release, or is it the endorphin’s that your body releases?

Yeah. I mean, my mother didn’t even believe about the physical assualt so I doubted she’d believe about that. I didn’t want to tell my dad or brother after that. 5 years later I get the courage to tell someone and the made me feel guilty. I told my pdoc and he hopefully never will tel my dad.

Lemon was the other thing I tried, it didn’t work – surprisingly made me feel worse, I never used salt – old superstition plus salt is a factor in heart disease and I can’t risk that.

omg, don’t swallow the salt. lol. just to get that feeling, of shock sort of, then spit it out, kk, I am going to keep going with this, you can groan and moan a bit. holding an ice cube until it burns on your thigh, or pinching the skin. Ice cube is better, so there are no blisters, or scars.

oh, something I blogged a while ago, so you maybe will know I understand.