"Political language -- and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists -- is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind."
-- George Orwell, Politics and the English Language

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

Ted Haggard Joke Of The Day

Ted Haggard comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, Haggard asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me a deep-tissue massage, a happy ending, and a huge sack of crank? I'm as desperate and horny as a prisoner on weekend furlough."

The owner says, "Well, that's not my thing, but I do have nephew who is a gay prostitute who deals meth on the side. And I have a chore that I need done, so maybe we can work out a deal. If you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I'll call my nephew and tell him to come over."

So Ted Haggard goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. I'll call my nephew right now."

Haggard says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

4 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Upon which the farmer answered, unfazed: 'Good to know. Then I guess instead of the ass-pounding you came for, you'll get your ass kicked.'

I've been reading these humorous instalments as they come out, and passed them along to friends. I swear, Evangelical nuts embarrassing themselves like that are just the gift that keeps on giving. 'I did call a gay hooker, but only for a massage. And I did buy meth from him, but I threw it away.' Ted Haggard: the Right's bold answer to Clinton's 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale.'

And yes, that excuse of Haggard's is too pathetic for all but the most blindered of true believers to even marginally accept. It's actually pretty sad, when you get down to it, and were it not for Haggard's long history of spouting and endorsing the worst sorts of regressive and reactionary ideas, I'd feel a bit sorry for him. His church has already summarily fired him, specifically citing "sexually immoral conduct", so I'm assuming either Haggard, um, came clean in private with the overseer committee, or they found a lot of evidence anyway, that couldn't just be swept under the rug and forgotten.

These are dangerous people, so it's good to see them get collectively taken down a notch. The more I read about them, the more I think we really need to have some sort of organized opposition to them, if only for the sake of epistemological balance (religious winger reaction: "Epiwhodawha?").

Send 'em back to church, keep 'em out of politics. They'll drag the world down with them, given half a chance.

Do you think that's how it went with Haggard? I suspect that he, rather like Jimmy Swaggart, threatened retaliation against his peers in the church leadership and refused to go if not dragged out kicking and screaming. I wonder if he also claimed that Oral Roberts had "cast out his demons" over the phone. I mean, he had already begun to confess a few things, so I guess they could have just let him go in embarrassed silence. That's what they did with other scandalous bastards like him in the past, anyway -- unless they refused to play game.

At least now we'll know what it takes for the Christian nutzoids to stay home on election day: it's not the killing and maiming of countless thousands of Arabs; not the loss of 2,800 American lives in imperial adventures; not a city wiped off the map; and not the widening income gap in America. It's sex. It's Republicans trying to screw their male pages and televangelists getting blown by gay hookers.