Tom is NOT newly gluten-free. He has been gluten free for most of his life and seems to deal with it just fine. He IS newly vegan, and that seems to have really brought out some latent SS tendencies.

Tom and Tina are cousins, but because of how they were raised (grew up next door to each other) think of each other as more like brother/sister which also might be playing into this situation.

Normally they are both great people, so this huge issue over The Cake (and I have had the cake before and it is indeed worthy of the capitalization) is out of left field and completely out of character for both of them.

I don't want to see relationships totally ruined over baked goods, but I am just not sure what to say or even if it is my place to say anything....

I will try to support Tina, and see if I can figure out a way of delicately pointing out to both of them (but especially Tom) that they are completely overreacting and blowing things way out of proportion...

I don't want to see relationships totally ruined over baked goods, but I am just not sure what to say or even if it is my place to say anything....

I will try to support Tina, and see if I can figure out a way of delicately pointing out to both of them (but especially Tom) that they are completely overreacting and blowing things way out of proportion...

Maybe the thing you can do is not so much try to persuade or convince everyone, but to firmly act as though this is no big deal, either way. Tina's right, Tom's having a brain fart / must have undergone a personality transplant / lost his perspective but will hopefully recover.

And then refuse to let anyone talk about it. "Oh, that silly thing, if course there will be The Cake, and Tom will come to his senses eventually, let's not talk about it. You know what they say: 'Least said, soonest mended.' "

I for one understood your comment. I might cry if I couldn't have eggs or beef, so I understand. (I could live without desserts forever, as long as I get some plain fruit and maybe a chocolate fix every now and then.)

You are one of the most sensible, logical people I know, and I completely sympathize with your frustration at learning a new lifestyle. Best wishes with that hurdle!____________

I love the new saying, "Suck it up, Buttercup!" I may have to incorporate that into my talks to myself when I'm feeling whiney. The Big Bang Theorie's Penny used 'Buttercup', so I associate it with her sweetness.____________

OP, I agree with the poster who said to keep out of it, especially now that we know they are almost-raised-together cousins. That is too close a relationship to get between aside from just listening if one needs to vent. Good luck with that sticky situation.

I love the new saying, "Suck it up, Buttercup!" I may have to incorporate that into my talks to myself when I'm feeling whiney. The Big Bang Theorie's Penny used 'Buttercup', so I associate it with her sweetness.

Brief derail... I think that this might be a growing up in the 70s thing (or maybe a having hippies for parents thing) but I grew up saying rhyming stuff like "See ya later, alligator", "What's the word, hummingbird?", "Suck it up, buttercup", "later, tater!", and stuff like that...

I love the new saying, "Suck it up, Buttercup!" I may have to incorporate that into my talks to myself when I'm feeling whiney. The Big Bang Theorie's Penny used 'Buttercup', so I associate it with her sweetness.

Brief derail... I think that this might be a growing up in the 70s thing (or maybe a having hippies for parents thing) but I grew up saying rhyming stuff like "See ya later, alligator", "What's the word, hummingbird?", "Suck it up, buttercup", "later, tater!", and stuff like that...

Nah, I was raised in the 80s and still did that. And my sister, who was all of 4 in 1990 did it too throughout her childhood.

I don't want to see relationships totally ruined over baked goods, but I am just not sure what to say or even if it is my place to say anything....

Maybe you can serve as the warning signal, alerting them to what the stakes are.

"Do you want to see your relationship with Tom / Tina totally ruined over baked goods? I'm starting to worry that this could be the end result."

I had a friend say something like that to me and another friend of ours, and it was an important thing for us both to hear. We both believed we were right; there was an extra emotional/psychological element to it for one of us that made it harder to back down, and we might have lost a lifelong friendship.

So there's that tactic--just be a mirror that points out how serious it's starting to sound.

Maybe go with questions or vaguely observational statements:"Do you realize how angry you sound?""That was a particularly vicious-sounding tone of voice!" in a note of surprise."Have you thought about how Tina might react to that demand?"even: "does that truly seem fair or appropriate to you?"

Tom is NOT newly gluten-free. He has been gluten free for most of his life and seems to deal with it just fine. He IS newly vegan, and that seems to have really brought out some latent SS tendencies.

Tom and Tina are cousins, but because of how they were raised (grew up next door to each other) think of each other as more like brother/sister which also might be playing into this situation.

Normally they are both great people, so this huge issue over The Cake (and I have had the cake before and it is indeed worthy of the capitalization) is out of left field and completely out of character for both of them.

I don't want to see relationships totally ruined over baked goods, but I am just not sure what to say or even if it is my place to say anything....

I will try to support Tina, and see if I can figure out a way of delicately pointing out to both of them (but especially Tom) that they are completely overreacting and blowing things way out of proportion...

My ToxicSis is newly vegan, coupled with "only organic everything is acceptable." She was already SS to begin with but her latest life-change, coupled with she seems to have joined up with a group of women who all consider themselves -- and call each other -- "goddesses" doesn't help at all (ToxicSis is the Original Female Dog). I don't deal with her and, maybe, just maybe, she'll get off her righteous path and figure out, someday, how to behave in a societally-acceptable manner (she's the one who posted negative things about our wedding menu on our FB-wedding page).

Tom...means well, I suppose, but he's only annoying those around him who actually love him (like Tina). I don't know how to recommend dealing with a person like that other than ignore (which is what I did with ToxicSis -- ultimately, she dropped out of my wedding (a relief because I wanted to kick her out anyway) and flaked (also a relief because I didn't want her to attend). My mom and OtherSis stayed out of it, as did then-DF. Essentially, I ignored her SS-ness because a) I was way too busy needing to focus on my wedding and b) ignoring is the ONLY way to stop her (if I don't respond, she runs out of steam...eventually).

Tom sounds like this and sounds like he no longer should be engaged on the topic as he will not agree with anyone or concede being wrong (according to the OP). Tina could still provide him with a GF cupcake if she wishes, but that's it (I've yet to taste GF cake that is as good as regular cake; I've had some pretty good GF chocolate chip cookies though). Otherwise, Tina should not engage the crazy right now while not cutting off Tom either.

Since Tom and Tina are so close, Tina should be able to be upfront and state, "Look, Tom, I love you and consider you my brother and admire the course you've taken to improve your lifestyle...but I'm not going to let you dictate my party dynamics to me. I want to see you at my party, but you're either going to accept the way I have it or don't come at all (but I'll be sorry not to see one of my favorite people there to share this milestone with me). This topic is no longer open for discussion. GF bean dip?"

I love the new saying, "Suck it up, Buttercup!" I may have to incorporate that into my talks to myself when I'm feeling whiney. The Big Bang Theorie's Penny used 'Buttercup', so I associate it with her sweetness.

Brief derail... I think that this might be a growing up in the 70s thing (or maybe a having hippies for parents thing) but I grew up saying rhyming stuff like "See ya later, alligator", "What's the word, hummingbird?", "Suck it up, buttercup", "later, tater!", and stuff like that...

Nah, I was raised in the 80s and still did that. And my sister, who was all of 4 in 1990 did it too throughout her childhood.

I don't want to see relationships totally ruined over baked goods, but I am just not sure what to say or even if it is my place to say anything....

Maybe you can serve as the warning signal, alerting them to what the stakes are.

"Do you want to see your relationship with Tom / Tina totally ruined over baked goods? I'm starting to worry that this could be the end result."

I had a friend say something like that to me and another friend of ours, and it was an important thing for us both to hear. We both believed we were right; there was an extra emotional/psychological element to it for one of us that made it harder to back down, and we might have lost a lifelong friendship.

So there's that tactic--just be a mirror that points out how serious it's starting to sound.

That's a good idea. I know that I will see Tina on Friday, and if she brings up Tom/the party/The Cake I will try this. (I don't want to bring it up unless she brings it up first...)