8/21/2006

Random Thoughts About the Press Conference Du Jour (Regarding Iraq Only):Did you know that what's at stake in Iraq is our soul? In his latest press conference, President Bush said just that, that (all quotes are approximate because, well, the Rude Pundit ain't a fuckin' transcribin' service and he was probably drunk), "If we lose in Iraq, we lose our soul." Now, the Rude Pundit doesn't recall anyone asking him to ante up his soul for this "cause." In fact, he bets that if Bush had held a whistlestop tour, with Dick Cheney asking every American to give their souls for, what?, well, fuck, for the sake of argument let's say, "democracy in Iraq," that Cheney would have struck out. For surely, unless there's money or pussy/cock or some combination of them, most people ain't gonna sign on that dotted line that says, "Sure, what the fuck? Throw my soul into the bubbling pot." Not even the demonic charm of the slithering, sweating, huskily breathing Cheney could convince the most self-righteous neocon to bet his soul on Iraq.

But there was something good to come at this latest example of Bush's ability to veer with whiplash speed from joking endlessly about a reporter's seersucker suit to pounding the podium about "freedom" in Iraq. (Indeed, some might call that "compartmentalization," but the rest of us in the real world would call that "fucking insane.") The DNC should put together a ten or fifteen-second spot that consists solely of the reporter asking, "What did Iraq have to do with the attacks of September 11?" and Bush answering, firmly, decisively, "Nothing." And air that motherfucker on every station where the election is even within pissing distance for the Democrats.

And a blast from the past got brought up when Bush was asked if the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused more problems than it solved, with Bush asking us to imagine a world where "Saddam Hussein had the capacity to make weapons of mass destruction." That's not unlike imagining a world where hot human-feeling robots will service your every crazed fuck fantasy, from the simple, but eloquent blow-job to the upside-down biting tiger with a monkey tail twist. Sure, some day it might happen, but it's so goddamn far in the future that it ain't worth thinkin' about. Hell, the Iraqis might just like to imagine a world where they're not worried about constant car and suicide bombings, roving death squads, and civil war. But, shit, then we're really talkin' fantasy land.

There's always the unintentionally ironic things Bush says, like "We owe it to our children and grandchildren" to fight the war or, regarding the insurgents, "They want to achieve their objectives." And there was the constant refrain of "I understand that" or just "I understand." And the depressing statement of "Damage to innocent people bothers me." And the promise to send more American soldiers to their deaths with "We'll complete the mission in Iraq" and other words to that effect.

Really, though, in the end, when Bush said, for the umpteenth time about the Iraqi government, "We're gonna give them the tools," all the Rude Pundit could think was, Oh, so like when are you and the rest of your administration gettin' on Air Force One for that long flight to Baghdad?