Category: The feeling called love

I’m sorry I couldn’t let you in
Because I haven’t cleaned the insides of my heart, yet.
I haven’t packed the boxes of things which were his
I haven’t decided on whether to cherish or throw, yet.

I can’t be that audacious to let you stay at place
That once belonged to him
The place which I once decorated with fairy lights and candles
Which now has the remains of us
The dilapidated surroundings
Along with the cobwebs and dust
The walls which still has pictures of him
Even though I have ripped them off of my bedroom wall.

I’m sorry for not being completely with you
Because when I looked at you,
I was just looking for the pieces of him
A faint resemblance
A hint of him.

I know it was unfair,
The cruelest thing.
That’s why we never
Became a thing!

Like this:

When it was bright and sunny, just moments before we stepped out of your house, for a beautifully planned date. I really love the rain but I hated it at that particular moment. And when you came up with the idea of a stay-at-home date, I actually thought you were mocking me.

There was something special about that Thursday and I could feel it in my gut.

The fondness behind your exasperated eyes when you asked me to go and change into something comfy, only to make me stay away from the kitchen, which I almost burned down while trying to help you cook pasta for us.

When we held our gaze until the time I had goosebumps all over my body and you comically cleared your throat, trying to bring my attention to the next part of our stay-at-home date. It’s beyond my understanding, how you could, sigh, kiss my head and mumble, “What am I gonna do with you?”, at the same time when I shifted to your lap for the bear cuddle, because all those goosebumps made me feel very chilly.

I have a very fond memory of how you got all embarrassed when I whispered, “What about the next part of the date?” into your ear. It was so adorable seeing you bickering about who lost track of the time.

When we were dancing and you held me like I was some precious jewel. The subtle curve of your lips made my insides all mushy and your sparkling eyes made it difficult to look away, again summoning the goosebumps.

When I was lying on your chest, making drawings with my index finger and you were reading my favourite book to me. The one which I have read a million times and still feels new when you read it to me, I tried to concentrate on the words but your heartbeats and deep voice made it impossible and your captivating scent was a cherry on the top. When the rumbling thunderclap startled me, bringing me back from my dreamy haze while knocking your chin off with my head, in the process. I winced, you laughed, I made face and you kissed the pain away, how very juvenile yet charming of you!

When another round of thunder and lightning occurred, you instinctively held me a bit closer than it was physically possible and your eyes murmured a lot of unsaid promises. When you looked so deep into my eyes that I did not know how to catch up with you. When you told me that you were in love with me, for the first time and all I could do was look at you.

Because those billions of butterflies fluttering in my stomach turned into a mushy puddle, making it impossible to move in any way. So, I controlled my accelerating heart and kissed you with everything I had, a kind of kiss where you pour yourself completely to convey what you can’t say with your words.

Like this:

I love the flowers but not the store-bought ones,
I love the flowers which you plucked from the garden thinking about me.

I love the flowers which made you stop your way to an important meeting,
The ones which made my face pop into your brain.
I love the flowers which have a subtle yet strong fragrance to hold your attention in this huge world.

I love the flowers which resemble the garden we went to on our first picnic date.
When we sat on a blanket and ate sandwiches.
I love the flowers which keep reminding me of the wonderful time we spent on our date
The time which I look forward to the most.
The most cherished moments.

I love the flowers which you bring for me, every day.
The flowers which make me smile, every day.
The flowers which make me love you more, every day.

Like this:

Orange,

The colour of the sky when you held my hand for the first time.
The colour of your t-shirt when you confessed your love to me.
The colour of that old man’s shirt who told us how beautiful young love is.
The same old man who said he see us growing old together.

The colour of my sweater when I realised how much I am in love with you.
The colour of the curtains we fought over for a really long time and then settled to teal blue.
The colour of the ice-cream you brought me when I was really mad at you.

The colour of your socks when you said you are not sure if we are fine.
The colour of the sweatshirt I bought you as a present on our first Christmas.

The colour of your shirt which she was wearing.
The same t-shirt you wore when you told me you love me.
The same t-shirt you wore when you promised to be mine.
The same t-shirt she was wearing when I thought of surprising you, by bringing your favourite donuts.

The colour of the sky when my heart shattered into infinite pieces.
The colour which gave me a lot of panic attacks for a really long time.
The colour which haunted me till I couldn’t run away.
The colour which reminds me of you.
And your hollow promises.

Like this:

Still watering the plant that you gave me!

But, not anymore. I have to get rid of everything that reminds me of you.

As I lift the Azalea Bonsai from the window sill, tons of memories hit me at once. I remember how excited I was when you asked me to close my eyes for a surprise on our second anniversary, I was almost jumping like an excited bunny with my hands covering my eyes. The memory of your melodious laughter is still very crisp in my mind. I remember the goosebumps that followed my smile when you explained what the plant means to our us, our relationship.

But since you are gone, the plant has lost its meaning, too!

I gave the plant to Mrs. Singh, next door.

Her face lit up with pure joy and then changed to something similar to reminiscing. She remembered how her mother gave a similar Azalea Bonsai to her on her wedding. She almost relived the moment when her mother asked her to be true to herself, no matter what. Her eyes became glossy remembering how that plant became a member of her new family and her companion who shared the same thoughts of adjusting to new surroundings and a new family where everyone welcomed them with their arms open. She also had a fond memory of her late husband watering the little plant regularly even if he was running late to work.

Mrs. Singh could not believe how a little plant can bring back so many beautiful memories.

She placed the plant on her table when her niece Ria entered the home, she is moving to university soon.

The gorgeous plant was the show stealer.

Ria could not keep her eyes off the plant.

“Aunt, may I please take this cute plant to Uni with me?” That little request decided the path of Azalea Bonsai and what happens next is yet to be known.

As of now, it is 5000 km away from its original place, the only thing which is same, is the happiness it is causing to the owner.

Like this:

We have been talking every day on all available social media platforms. You call me at random hours to say nothing and a lot, at the same time. In the skype sessions, I can see the excitement in your eyes when we discuss the things we are going to do when you will come to see me. I also read the struggle of being away for too long in your silent grunts and occasional v between your eyebrows. I know these reactions are because of all the sighs I make when we are having our little “just sitting there and staring at my laptop screen” sessions.

But, my most favourite part of our conversation is the plans that we make for the day we will meet, in person. We have been planning it down to every second, taking care of all the possible, minute details. I love how my heart melts, even more, thinking about you and me without the 3000 Kms distance between us.

I get excited thinking about how I will hug you till eternity, before showering you with kisses, the moment you step out of the airport. I get butterflies thinking how it would feel to hold your hand again after so long.

I love playing out our planned date in my head.
How we will go to that cozy cafe and eat those delicious muffins while you sip your cappuccino.
How we will roam into the city, holding hands, like tourists.
How we will go to the fancy restaurant for our lunch and stuff our faces without me caring about my diet.
How we will go ice-skating and laugh at each other because neither of us knows how to.
How you will read my favourite book to me while I rest my head on your chest and get distracted by your heartbeat. How I will ask you to repeat the line because I got distracted and you will just shake your head before your deep voice begins to read again.
How we will go dancing even though I have two left feet!
How you will be with me to hold me when we go to sleep.
How we will cook together, burn the kitchen and then order in.
How we will have fun and be happy without the laptop screen between us.

You clear your throat to bring me back from the world of daydreams and give me a sad smile. Promising me that it’s just a few more days. Then I blow kisses to you, telling you I love you and I can’t wait for you to be here.

We talk some more, plan some more and then we are forced to go back to the real world. I feel sad during goodnights, but I get giddy everytime I cross a date out, on my countdown calendar.

And then I dream some more about you, about us!

Have I missed any important detail? Let me know if I have! Long distance relationships are very difficult sometimes, craving for the physical presence and getting jealous of every couple in the town and then feeling bad is a common routine. But don’t forget that you have a very amazing person who loves you so much!

Like this:

I stood by the window,
Letting the tickling rays of sun fall on my face.
Hoping for you to bring that cup of coffee,
The same one which you brought every day.

But here I stand, reminiscing.

A lone tear crawls down, caressing my cheek,
Just like the way you used to do it.
Again making me aware of your absence,
The absence of us.

Now the only thing which holds me at night is your shirt,
The same shirt, that you wore the day you told me you loved me, for the first time.
The same shirt which makes your eyes pop.
I hold it close to my chest, just like the way you used to hold me.

But your smell is fading,
Reminding me that you are not here.
All the physical shreds of evidence of you ever being here are gone.

But my heart is not READY.

I’ve read a million of articles on how to move on!
But, how to move on from someone who was supposed to be your ‘forever’?
How to move on from all the daydreams you had?
How to move on from someone you thought you were going to grow old with?
How to move on from someone who penetrated all the walls you had around you?
How to move on from someone you bared your soul to?
How to move on leaving behind a part of you?