03 March 2012

2012: "I forgive myself... I forgive myself..."

Before I came across Desteni - I had placed myself in a peculiar situation in my Life.

At the time, I was in a relationship of over 2 years. We both were placed in a peculiar situation where a decision had to be made.

I made my choice.. and he made his. We were in disagreement. It was easy for him to 'talk me out of it' and I, in the end, decided to go along with his decision.

It was a decision I would later regret... and this is where I found Self Forgiveness.

It was almost or just over a year since me and my boyfriend made a decision within our relationship that altered it's course forever. If we had chose to go the other route - things would be much different. However, we didn't, and here I was... hating myself. Constantly thinking about what I did within the decision we made - how much I regretted it and thinking about what would be if I chose the other way.

Constantly these thoughts came up - over and over and over again.. and I could not stop myself from thinking about what I did. I wish I could go back.. I wondered how I could so easily be influenced against what I actually wanted to do.

Yet - within this... before Desteni... I found Self Forgiveness. At the time - I was writing. Writing from the perspective of 'journaling' - not yet self directive self honesty writing, yet still, writing. And I remember writing to myself.. "I have to forgive myself... I have to forgive myself" At the time, I realized the only way to allow myself to let go of what I was carrying with me, was to forgive myself for what I had allowed. As it was obvious I could not go back.. what was done was done, and there was no choice for me if I wanted to be able to move past this and free myself from the prison of guilt I placed myself in.

So.. I would write... "I forgive myself, I forgive myself..." and I would say out lout, "I forgive myself, I forgive myself" every time these thoughts would come back to haunt me.

Shortly there after I found Desteni. And everything I believed to be real in my own little glass house of self interest, came shattering to the ground. And before me was the key... Self Forgiveness.

Hearing this at the time, I was like, "Yes! Yes.. this is it. It's so obvious... how can anyone forgive me if I can't forgive myself? How can I let go of my past and allow myself to live without being able to forgive and let go?"

Growing up with a religious platform, I had heard about Forgiveness.. but it was something that someone had to do to/towards me, never was it offered in a way of Self responsibility, where I was the One to Forgive myself for what I had accepted and allowed. And so I started.. knowing that there was nothing outside of me... nothing 'higher then me', nothing here that was going to forgive me for My Life that I had LIved.. no one that could free me from the walls I built around myself... no one could tell me, "It's ok, you are forgiven" - I had to do this for myself.

So, in the beginning of Self Forgiveness.. it was clear within myself that it was effective. As I would speak self forgiveness out loud.. I would experience myself become more stable within myself.. as I spoke the words, moving inward within myself, and at the same time it was like pulling weight out of me... pulling strings out of me, becoming lighter and lighter, and more centered as I spoke. It was very cool as I experience Self Movement as Self Forgiveness.

For me - I saw how I had separated myself from myself through the Mind, as thought and feelings and emotions. It made sense to me that it was I who had allowed myself to create myself to be such a personality of self interest... and through this, it was Common Sense that since I was the creator - I had to be the one to take Self Responsibility and Forgive myself for such creations.

What I have realized through walking with Self Forgiveness that it is not only ourselves Taking Responsibility for ourselves and what we allow and for who we accept ourselves to be... but it is also a way of Standing within myself. An application I walk of Self trust and self intimacy and self love - where I forgive myself for not seeing/being/living myself as equal as Life, it's Me taking a Stand, Humbling myself within forgiving myself - because no one else will. No one else can.

Self Forgiveness allows me and is a tool for me to use to push myself to become Aware of who I am in Every Moment. It's like taking back the Power I have as Self Created - and only creating that which is Best for All - as this is also Best for me. Self Forgiveness is a way to let go and start over - and it supports me within stopping the judgments I had/have within the past life I lived pre Desteni. The choices I made, the decision I lived, the directed I took - was filled with self regret and self judgement, and through Self Forgiveness, I have realized, ya know what... it's ok. I can Forgive myself for what I allowed and I can let this go. I can let myself go, I can still Live and I don't have to punish myself every day for what I did in the past. Self Forgiveness is facing and being responsible for the past mistakes and support us in not repeating that which does not support us - that which does not support life. It's recreating who we are as Human Beings - within realizing what has been allowed is unacceptable and it only through Self Forgiveness can we get back to redefining a Life of Real Worth and Real Value.

So all in all - Self Forgiveness made sense to me, it 'clicked'. I saw that I was responsible for myself, and I was the only one responsible for myself - and I saw how my inner world reflected my outer world and so within this Self Forgiveness is required, as this world is not pretty and is sad, and we must forgive ourselves for what we have created.

Self Forgiveness - it's simple really. It's for taking back the Power within Ourselves, to Stand Up and Be the Change we want to see in this world. It's realizing that no one can forgive me unless I can forgive me, and it's within realizing also Forgiveness is not an 'idea' or an 'attitude'. It's a Living Application of breathing as who we really are.. and also where we speak it - out loud - in self honesty, being honest with what we accept within and without. Realizing this is the only way to Change. To stop and Forgive, to let go and to start over... never again allowing ourselves to separate ourselves from ourselves, as Life.