Two weeks ago, as rumors were still running wild of multiple actors and actresses being considered for the lead roles in the Fifty Shades of Grey film adaptation, two names seemed to be mentioned more than any others – Charlie Hunnam of Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy for Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson of Don Johnson’s and Melanie Griffith’s lovemaking for Anastasia Steele. And while many people argued that they wouldn’t get the roles, they did, because E L James (or SnowQueen IceDragon) Tweeted yesterday that they have been cast.

Dakota Johnson (via Getty Image)

I read this morning that a lot of people apparently freaked out in idiotic cyber rage over James’ announcement, but it’s still too early in the week for me to be diving into that deep end of dipshittery. In response, James Tweeted, “To all the supporters, lovers and haters – thank you so much for the passion that you have for this project. You all rock. All of you.”

There’s just something about a 50-year old woman who rose to fame by writing erotic fan fiction on a Twilight message board using the word “haters” that makes me hope that we can finally put that word to rest.

50 Shades of Grey’s No. 1 Superfan weighs in: “Talked to E.L. James at a party over the summer: her first choice for Christian was Rob Pattinson and Matt Bomer was never in the running.” Then: “E.L. James and I were at Rob Pattinson’s house when she admitted Rob was first choice for Christian. Ian Somerhalder never in the running.” For his part, Ellis suggested “James Deen, of course,” and both writers were “very wasted.” Would kind of rather watch that movie.

Adding: “And Kristen Stewart would play Anastasia and they’d fall in love again and Robert would take her back and the world would be a perfect, sparkly place again!”

I’m guessing a lot of cats were kicked in rage when Hunnam didn’t meet the fantasy construct Shades fans have been railing themselves to since the book came out. Of course those could have purely been accidents since the average Shades fan has 13.4 cats.

Christian Bro-walks over to Anastasia:
“Do you know, want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?’” He says in a harsh whisper.

Anastasia stands there cocks here head to the side randomly nodding up and down as if she was following a completely different conversation:
“‘Kinky fuckery!?!’” She says with an awkward squeak at the end. “I…umm like…enjoy… our i mean your is it our? your?… I can never tell with these sort of things!?! Well yeah anyways! about kinky fuckery!?! I ummm totally enjoy it or something… I mean who like wouldn’t? hehe” She laughs nervously “I don’t know, Im like really bad at this whole talking dirty thing so ummm yeah kin-ky fuck-ery,… its good… it’s alllll good” she says again in a playful way punching Christians shoulder.

Christian responds by flaring his nostrils harder than a JJ Abrams lens

Dakota Johnson is most recognized as “Girl who gets fucked by Sean Parker and leaves her laptop open with FACEBOOK on it” in the Social Network, sooooo I guess you could say she’s been preparing for this role for years now.

Of course her first choice was Rob Pattinson. This book is just Twilight Fan Fiction repackaged. Seriously, she wrote Twilight fan fiction, someone told her it was good, and she got an agent. America sucks.