Mother's Day. Could they possibly have come up with a more emotionally conflicted holiday? Doubtful. I have all of these feelings for my boys--love, hope, pride, excitement, stress, frustration, fear--and even more emotions toward myself as a mother--terror, anxiety, depression, pessimism, and (weak) hope.

It's weak because it's hard for me to believe God can bring anything good out of the mess I'm making as a mom. Obviously this is an "I believe! Help my unbelief" area.

It's hard to imagine a 25 year-old Jude wanting anything to do with me. I still can't decide how much of this is my endless "working mom guilt" and how much is a legitimate fear. I look at the calendar and am speechless at the prospect of my tiny 6.6lbs baby approaching his 4th birthday. I don't know how to process this.

I guess the best I can do is constantly thank The Lord for gifting me with two most precious boys and ask for wisdom over and over and over again. Oh and patience. I seem to be drawing on very low reserves lately.