The art of disppearing

(I wrote this post quite a while ago, but only published it in April ’18. Maybe it was quite long ago that I couldn’t recognize myself. Ah well… it is actually an interesting read to be honest)

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So, I’m not exactly the relationship guru, because I’m still clueless until these days. From the bottom of my heart, I have to say, I don’t understand how feelings and commitment work. To me, a very well-known relationship girl amongst my friends, there are things I have yet to figure out. I guess after 12 years of playing the dating/relationship game, I’ve not gotten any better since the date I started.

One of the things I do not get is breakup. I have a strange pattern of avoiding breakups. Like, I’d meet this guy, he’s cute (and nice), everything goes well. We’d go through the honey moon stage, the comfort zone stage, and suddenly, I’d realize something wrong about the guy, or me in the relationship, or the relationship itself. The invisible alarm appeared. And just like that, I’m gone. I personally think that I’m quite good at making good impressions, maintaining my image, my enthusiastic & energetic self that somehow attracted a number of wandering souls (both wanted, and unwanted) into my life, yet I’m terrible at keeping my shit (and their shit) together to make the relationship end in normal terms when things fall apart.

I guess because I always avoid “the talk”, as in the breakup talk. I wonder if anyone really has the talk. Does anyone say “I don’t think it’s going to work, let’s break up”? Maybe it’s the right and healthy way to go. It just hit me how horrible of a person I am, looking back, every time I felt wrong, and insecure and unhappy in a relationship, I just… disappeared from the relationship. I went back to “I” and “me” conveniently, and left the “we” and “us” there hanging, questioning. I don’t know if my counterpart minded my “disappearing”, but I kind of did. I’m exellent at giving silence treatment, and as this person had once told me, make the silence treatment long enough, it’d become real.

The human body, especially mine, has clever & annoying little ways of telling myself when something doesn’t right. My shoulders would literally kill me when I’m not happy, or not myself being the relationship that I’m in. And I’d literally turn into a mental, jealous and insecure woman that bites. I don’t like myself when I’m crazy, nobody does.

Before disappearing you should:

Reflect carefully, is it the right time to leave: what feels wrong, weighing the pros and cons of staying and leaving the relationship

Have you or the other person been making a mountain out of a molehill lately? How did it affect each other?

Meanwhile, I’m still enjoy my non-existence and I still have zero plan to change this.