I first thought about trying a burger and fries from this rapidly expanding US company’s new Bullring diner last Saturday afternoon.

But the queues and the noise put me off and even my children didn’t want to go in.

So then I thought I’d test Five Guys’ even more brand new store in Touchwood Shopping Centre during the week.

As soon as I got there I almost wished I hadn’t bothered.

The walls might be plastered with rave reviews from elsewhere, but being surrounded by leagues of Inbetweener hunks I felt more like a Mars Bar in a Scottish chip shop.

It would only be a matter of time before I would have my senses well and truly battered.

First, by the anaemic lights and then the noise. The cacophonous noise. I have truly never heard anything like it.

I thought Ed’s Diner at Selfridges was bad enough, but this was ten times worse.

Loud, tinny and echoing around, it was like trying to order a meal during a Motörhead concert – and yet the PA system was only playing tired hits by the likes of Dire Straits and Rod Stewart.

Dictating five family meals in those conditions was an ordeal, as you can specify any number of the available extra ingredients to have on your bun.

Our hardworking, patient server smiled throughout and I think you’d have to be a very special person to want to earn your corn for even a year in this kind of aural environment.

You then queue up again ready to watch the meals of everyone else in front of you being made by other staff who are as close to being as tireless as it’s possible to be this side of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s kitchen cyborg, The Burgerfiller.

Meanwhile, some of the Five Bellies who were already eating began to trip through the queues to fill up on soft drinks.

About 20 minutes after walking into the joint, we sat down with our food – burgers served in foil and packed in large brown bags with chips at the bottom.

My bun was already sweaty, the bacon on my burger even saltier than the chips.

The burger meat itself was juicy and tender.

But, while it’s a nice touch that a sign reveals which farm grew the spuds, there was nothing else I warmed to here – daughter Madison left 95 per cent of her ‘bacon dog’ which resembled a camel’s tongue.