31 Responses to “Day 5…”

Shrimp dumplings with pork….the only thing less kosher would be some kind of shellfish that’s been genetically engineered to have little cloven hooves. Some kind of pig-shrimp combo….shrigs….or pimps. Sweet.

And don’t feel too bad…yesterday, I was forced to consume about 8 lbs of ham, which I hate, despite my general fondness for the succulent flesh of swine. Glazed ham is like if Just Born made pig Peeps….it’s all sugar. Served with marshmallow-topped candied yams. You know, to cut the sweetness of the pork. Ah, southern cooking.

Man, I’d have to starve before that happened. For me, it was more about the fact that UC and his lovely family cannot stomach another holiday with AG. What can I say? AG was born the youngest only princess into a dysFUNction juntion family. These things are bound to happen with food restrictions.

Res, you would love AG. AG loves going out to gay bars and is always up for big fun! She loves going shopping, eating the dumplings, doing hair, buying nice things, being treated like a princess, travel and we can hit on hot guys together. AG will share her bed with more than one gay guy. It’s been done before. Everyone was happy.

AG is the perfect non gay, gay lover. Midniter would agree. He knows the love of the AG.

P.S. AG tonight: salad and fruit slices at her own house.
Tomorrow– sneak eating Thai in the closet at UC’s denying all of it.

Smear is shikse. What Uncanny C. had on his face wasn’t “smear”. That’s what the squeegee guy does to your windshield. You say “smear”, they take you for a nebbish. If you mean “schmear”, say “schmear”.

Next time, when those-whom-it’s-important-to-win-over are in hearing range, say this to the U. Canadian:

“Schmuck! What’s that schmutz on your schnozzle?!? What, we can’t come for a little nosh and schmooze for ten minutes without you being a total putz?” [“Oy, if it wasn’t for that schlong…”]

UC, back me up here. Can AG sniff out details that make you sleep with one eye open and counting the money on a regular basis? Let’s just remind of the unfortunate incident with Phil Donahue at NBC the day AG spotted his bony ass WITHOUT Marla, but a woman who was taking to him in the same way. And like Abbie said, AG suggested he not get all constipated.

If only AG could use these kinds of talents for making fortunes, we’d all be on AG’s yacht right now.

Jexter, you farshtaist!! You are very close to being the perfect mensch that AG needs to semitisize herself. Schmutz is one of my favourite words. I remember doing my first radioactive Southern blot back in the early ’90s for my Israeli mentor. Right where the band should be was a whopping black stain of some background that didn’t get properly washed out. I still remember my PI’s lament: “Oy, if it weren’t for that horrible schmutz on the filter this fakakta experiment might mean something perhaps”.