Thursday, January 5, 2012

It is January 2012, it has been 2.5 years since my little girl was born, she would be 2 and a half, talking, laughing, dancing, playing, she is also a big sister.

We had a gorgeous little boy born early at 36.4 weeks, but healthy and big at 7 lbs even in early December. He is growing and thriving and I am so grateful. My pregnancy was full of anxiety, and joy. On the one hand, I was so grateful to be able to experience another pregnancy with a kicking baby and a baby who had a beautiful heartbeat. On the other hand, I had daily anxious thoughts about his safe arrival. I began my pregnancy with a regular ob, and in the end began seeing a high risk MFM, which was so amazing. The twice weekly NST's were both nerve wracking and helpful. It simply was the longest 9 months of my life.

I went into preterm labor, starting at 31 weeks, something I have never done, I think it was the stress. They stopped the labor three times after I had gone into L&D at 31 weeks, I was on procardia for contractions until my water broke.

Even when my water broke, I was not joyous, only deeply concerned, thinking things like, will his cord prolapse? Will my placenta pull away from the uterus, will my c-sectioned belly rupture? The drive to the hospital, I prayed all the while knowing that anything can happen, it happened before, remember?

And so, I stand on the other side of her stillbirth with empty arms for her and the dreams I had for her, I still miss her so. And I stand here with a new life, a little boy who I hope and dream for, I hope he has a beautiful life. The grief over her is still there. The joy of this new baby is there too. Here is the little dude, going to run a few errands with his Mom, he is a happy little baby and I am so thankful for him. There is so much more to write, but for now...