10 Guidelines for Commentators During Olympic Coverage

1. Make one stereotype about the Olympian's respective country that is borderline offensive.

2. Never actually cover what just happened, only talk about the history of the sport and the records that can be broken.

3. You cannot mention anything about the actual sport more than twice in one hour.

4. Always criticize when an Olympian does something wrong and mention back to that mistake at least every 2 minutes.

5. Do not ever praise the Olympian unless they have won a gold medal and if they do, do not praise them too much, just a quick congratulations and also if that athlete made a mistake earlier before winning the medal, just put them down again.

6. Make a borderline racist joke.

7. In gymnastics, mention how hard the trick they are about to do and if they fuck it up, just say how many points are deducted because of their screw up and if they do land it, just point out every flaw with what they just did.

8. Always make hypotheticals such as if Michael Phelps wins today and tomorrow, he will have the most medals of any Olympian in history. Always say what can happen, whenever a competition starts even if it's not that plausible.

9. Do not start the actual coverage until 10 minutes after the event has started.

10. Ruin the event for all viewers at home by telling them who won before the event actually airs.