Carnuba Wax Advocate

In only 16 complex steps, this wax will be ready for human consumption.

For centuries, our ancestors were aware of the problems associated with eating fresh foods. They rotted, grew rancid, and curdled into unappetizing mush far too easily. But what were our dear predecessors to do? What other options did they have? Deer jerky, yes, and pickled turnip with squirrel brains, too– both treats still enjoyed throughout the nation. But man cannot live on pickled brain alone. Ralph Waldo Emerson, himself, once noted, “When man sups on rot and only rot, it shall not be long before that is what he becomes.” Is it any wonder that most scientific inquiry in our young nation focused on food?

It was my pleasure, then, to work amongst these noble young scientists, pioneering a new way of eating, forging a path towards a new and better tomorrow. Of course, most of the important developments in the field were taking place in the private sector– with a company represented by a clucking bunny. I knew this was no way to advocate for new foodstuffs, and being a fresh-faced, energetic young person myself, I was eager to make an impact. I decided to apply for a position. I’ll never forget the day that I marched through those revolving glass doors, pressed a rag of ether tight against the security guard’s face, and took the Human Resources department by storm. Though I was not a scientist, they recognized my considerable talents as a spokesperson (especially after I converted then entire hiring committee to the Pentecostal Church), and immediately installed me as the head of publicity.

In those days, publicity meant a radio spot on the Little Orphan Annie radio hour. But Shirley Bell, the actress who portrayed the carrot-topped ragamuffin, and I had gotten into something of an altercation over a swan-shaped paddle boat two years prior, which ended with a box of Belgian chocolates and a chunk of my scalp in the Central Park pond. It had become one of my goals in life to see her radio show taken off the air, and her cast back into the gutter. Not even the gypsy soothsayer Oksana Baiul could convince me to patronize the Orphan Annie program, try as she might.

It was just as I had come on board at this food research institution that the team was making real breakthroughs with a particular palm frond wax called “carnuba.” I figured it was my chance to destroy Shirley– I made sure it was written into our contracts that products incorporating our new wax must expressly denounce the Orphan Annie show. I consider this one of the great triumphs in my life– bringing nonperishable food items to the marketplace and the benefit of humankind, and bankrupting the Little Orphan Annie franchise.