Hey guys, I haven't been around in a long time. I've been doing some group sessions with some local people and I thought I was making progress. Finally got a good job and a promotion, got a really nice house, kids were doing great. I felt like my wife and I were really connecting for the first time in a while. Then on Sunday the sun imploded.

For some background, I almost lost my daughter a few years ago to a freak accident, afterwords all the stuff I'd tried to hide from myself came spewing out, I told my wife everything, including the fact that I had had some sexual experiences with men before meeting her. She was very accepting at the time, and was a great partner, and was a big help to me during one of the worst times in my life.

I got home from work on Sunday and everything was normal, then my wife and I got talking while the kids were getting ready for bed, she was telling me about one of her friends who was having trouble with her husband getting hit on by another guy and stuff. Went to tuck the kids back in and she got all wierd and basically told me that I didn't really want to be with her. What?

The next day she told me she wanted to break up the finances and keep things separate "so that you can do what you want with your half of the money" What?

So she was acting really wierd and I finally said WTF??? She told me that she doesn't trust me when I say that I love her and she can't trust that I've never cheated on her with men, and that she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've told her all along that what I was doing was acting out when I was young and confused, and I don't know where this shit is coming from. She basically said she's not sure she wants to be with me anymore and that 'she's freeing me to see other people'. Then she cried and said I'm her best friend and she doesn't want to lose me, I started to have a panic attack and she tried to calm me down by having sex.

I'm sorry for the wall of text but I'm just freaking out. I've been in a horrible panic for days, my heart won't stop racing, and I've been on the edge of tears constantly. She's scheduled a time on Friday to see a councilor herself but for what specifically I don't know. She says she wants to take it slow and not decide anything now but jesus fuck!

She keeps trying to cuddle and act like everythings ok but I just feel so violated and betrayed, and conflicted, and hurt, and I feel like I just had the reset button hit on my recovery and I'm back to square one. I know I haven't been a very good husband over the years but for her to do this to me when everything was looking up is just ripping me apart.

I don't know why I'm posting this really, I just need to tell someone, has anyone else been through anything like this?

praying for your marriage realize the enemy HATES marriage and will seek out whom he may devour. He hates marriage and will do Nothing to stop it break it up and destroy it. Go into deep prayer and than Go to work it's up to you to lead this is not a time to cower away but fight for your marriage , I am not calling you a coward just saying its time to go to work bother. Forgive and have the fruit of the spirit

1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Gal 5:22 (NIV) 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other

My marriage is ending. Sad but realizing it has been the cause of the memories and my ability to heal. Support is important but more important is not to be in a relationship that triggers the past and brings the abuser into the home.

Sometimes freedom from the abuser and those that bring the abuser into you life will set you free to be who you were as the child that was stolen from the abuse.

I just need to tell someone, has anyone else been through anything like this?

Hell yeah! Marraige was already rocky, but when I dropped the CSA bomb it really unravelled. Wife went from not believing me, to accusing me of being the aggressor, to saying I must be gay, to telling me to get over it, to finally accepting that this was something really bad that happened to me and has affected me in more ways than I could count. Things are actually getting much better, with time, my own therapy, and marriage counseling. But at the worst, I was a wreck. felt betrayed, angry, hurt, and withdrawn (and nobody tried to calm me down with sex....geez!).

I wouldn't jump the gun and say its ending yet. She's afraid and confused just like you are. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Her seeing a counselor is probably a good sign, because it means she hasn't made up her own mind yet to end things. A good therapist may be able to explain some things about the effects of CSA on men. As long as she doesn't end up with some feminazi therapist who hates men, you've got a chance. I have had to get totally honest about the past, and tell her that whatever baggage I've brought into the marriage, I will do everything I can to to heal and overcome all of it. That I want our marriage to survive and get better, and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That was quite a trip for me as I have NEVER been honest, and NEVER put my marraige or my wife first in my life.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. And sorry to say I've had a touch of it also - not to the same extreme that you've described, but just as inexplicable, hurtful, and frightening.

If you had only been with men BEFORE being with your wife, and if she was in any way honest when she told you she accepted that, and it was YEARS ago.... what in the world set her off now? You are entitled to an answer. Did she read some kooky book or get some lousy advice from a girlfriend or something? Or - honestly - has she been dropping hints about her discomfort with your past sexual history over the years? Do you look at gay porn and, if so, is there any way she could have found it on your computer? Anything, anything at all to set her off?

My wife spied on my postings here and found out I was bi. The fact that I'd never actually hooked up with a guy didn't do much to stop her freakout. HALF A YEAR LATER she still occasionally grills me about how much I desire it and even if I can "trust myself" to make new male friends because I'm so "fragile". And she uses THAT EXACT PHRASE "waiting for the other shoe to drop." It is so goddamned insulting. Sometimes it feels like she's looking for an excuse to leave me.

Either way, your wife is being very unsupportive and cruel by ambushing you like this and is far too free and easy about throwing away what you describe as a functional marriage in which children are involved. She is panicking over something, which is the worst state in which to make a serious decision. She owes you a serious explanation.

Thanks very much guys, it helps to know I'm not completely alone out there.

I posted right before she got home from her martial arts class, and I sat down with her and we had a long talk. I already knew, I could hear the 'air quotes' when she was telling me about her "friend".

She has developed feelings for someone else, and it's freaking her out. I totally understand, I was a pretty shitty husband over the first 10 years of our marriage, but I'm working real hard on it.

I guess I get it, but I still feel like I just got punted in the nuts by a pair of golf cleats. I told her to take as long as she needs to sort stuff out, and she said she needs to talk to the councilor but doesn't want to make me live in limbo. She's going to tell me her decision in a week. I'm going to fight, but I think her mind is already made up.

She has developed feelings for someone else, ....but I still feel like I just got punted in the nuts by a pair of golf cleats..........She's going to tell me her decision in a week. I'm going to fight, but I think her mind is already made up.

Punt in the nuts? I'll say! Well at least that explains some of her behavior: a guilty conscience.

Suggestion: Don't play the understanding good guy who will step aside for her sake. Fight for your marraige. She may be wanting you to take a stand and beg her to stay. She may want to hear that you are still madly in love with her and will do anything to save the marraige. Remember that women don't always say what they really want from us. And what do you have to lose? Think about it.

Jude

_________________________
I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

It's painful hearing about the sickening situation your wife is creating. I read through the thread before responding, and by your last post it sounds as if you've uncovered the real motivation for her sudden judgement and accusations directed at you. Her interest in her "friend" didn't develop over the brief period since you've had these talks; she's looking to deflect attention from her own actions. Yes, make an honest effort to save the marriage, but remember that YOU are not the antagonist in the chapter currently being written.

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