Almost Living in Hell

I can handle physical pain well but not heartaches, this I realized just now that I am in my 20s.

There is this one guy that I really love. There was an us once, but that phase has already ended. Our relationship is officially over. But my feelings for him hasn’t ended yet. In fact, I am still in love with him while writing this blog.

Do you know how it feels to be that someone who hasn’t moved on yet? Let me tell you.

Everyday is a torture. Sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night will become your habit. You will reminisce those moments when you two were deeply in love. When the both of you will just stay up and chit chat until the morning. The jokes, the petty quarrels, the sweet words, all of them. You can hardly sleep cause deep in your heart, you miss them, you miss him. You miss everything. You feel alone, you feel extremely lonely cause you’d rather have sleepless nights talking to him, than a complete 8-hour sleep without him.

You will wake up hoping there is a text from him. Even a single text will do. You will reread those messages you saved and locked on your phone cause there are thousands of them then you will smile and cry like nuts at the same time. Everytime your phone vibrates, you are hoping it’s him that sent you a text and you get frustrated if it didn’t come from him. You get over excited whenever you see his name on your phone. It’s the same feeling you get when he first sent you a message saying hi or hello. You turn your volume up so you can never miss his message. You don’t care if you wake up in the middle of the night just to be able to get his calls. You drop other’s call and you don’t care at all… Cause you would rather receive a single text from him than a thousand from other people.

You will scan the pictures he sent you. Even the weirdest doodle is your treasure. Remembering those crazy moments you had together. You will feel delighted and tormented at the same time. Tormented cause you know those days are over and you can never go back. There are no second chances cause for him, it’s all part of the past. And here you are, still hoping that one day, you can still make memories together. It’s only make believe. But still, you’re choosing to believe cause for you, there is nothing impossible even if the reality was slapped into your face a hundred times already.

Alcohol is an option. You will drink at least once cause you’re having trouble dealing with the burning sensation in your chest because of the pain of not having him around anymore as your lover. You’d rather have your throat fired up than feel that heat in your heart. You take shot after shot after shot until you lose control of your senses, until it knocks you out, until you feel that you can go through the night without thinking of him. Deal with the hangover the next day. At least there are pills for hangover, but there isn’t one for heartbreak. But still, no matter how drunk you are, you are still waiting for him to come to the rescue. You will still send him messages even if you can’t type properly. Even if you’re a bag of shit at the moment… You will still try to call him and win him back. Cause even if you are drunk, your mind is still clouded by the thoughts of him. Alcohol is nothing… You are completely intoxicated by him.

You try to act normal when he is around. You smile, you laugh, you joke, you cry together. You even tell stories about your work and your friends as if you’re doing just fine.You listen to him and you do it sincerely. You want to make him feel comfortable as if everything is cool cause you don’t want to build a wall between you and him. Even if you want to hug him so tight, even if you want to kiss him on the mouth, you just can’t… cause clearly, there is already a big gap between you and him. You don’t talk about the gap but it’s already processed in your mind that you are not a couple anymore.

You can’t get mad at him for not spending time with you or not talking to you. You can’t get jealous of other girls. Even if you want to yell at him, even if you want to tell him to stop talking to other girls, you just can’t. It will drive you crazy. It hurts so much that you sometimes wish you’re numb. You can’t demand or wait for anything coming from him cause you have no right and it is not his obligation to explain or give you anything in return cause there’s no reason for him to do that. You’re just there on your bed side crying… Cause it’s all you can do, cry and endure the pain. You cannot complain. You cannot whine about something that’s over. Yes it is over and still, you give everything you have to him. You stand by him through the good and rough times. You know you’re waiting for nothing but you don’t give a shit if you get nothing cause you just want to hang on to him. Even if he tells you stop waiting for him. Even if he lets you sleep alone at night, even if he keeps you to where you should be, you shamelessly cling to him cause a part of you has already been taken by him and if you dare to let him go, you will be in total ruins.

You tell yourself to stop loving him. You keep yourself busy. You go out with friends, visit family, you do everything to keep your thoughts away from him. You just want to forget everything about him so you can move the fuck on with your life. Sometimes you just try to remember all the bad so it’s easier for you to move on but you end up thinking about all the good he has shown you. Cause you adore him too much. You find him amazing… Even if there are reasons for you to forget him, you will still find a million reasons why you should remember him. And you always choose to keep that image in your mind. It’s puzzling.. Yeah, you’re a madwoman.

You find another lover… You meet new guys, but you always end up turning them all down because the thought of not loving him anymore hurts you like hell. The thought of forgetting him makes you insane. The thought of not remembering how he loved you and how you loved him makes you feel empty. Not loving him is almost the same as not feeling anything.

You are genuinely happy seeing him happy. You don’t really care if it hurts you. What is important is you’re there and you made him smile. You’re saving your time for him. You’re still willing to cross oceans for him. You won’t hurt him, you won’t disappoint him. You’re still willing to kill and die for him. You’re happy doing things for him. But when the night comes, all the happiness turns into sorrow. The Utopia you feel when you’re with him ends at midnight. You’re all alone again. Dreaming those ghastly dreams and waking up alone. The words “I don’t love you anymore” linger in your head, it stabs your heart a million times and you just spent the whole night staring at darkness. You continue living even if you are slowly dying… It’s like almost living in hell. But even if you want to give up, you can’t… you just don’t… cause you are too afraid that you might not see him anymore. Because you will miss him. Because you still love him…