Moose Mansions

Mostly evading police curbs on indecent and offensive Internet material since Anno Domini 1995, with only three convictions, one sizeable fine, and a damning exposé in the South London Press to date

Sponsored by 'Peckham News' - the lower part of Rye Lane's premier news and fags merchant. Why not call in and ask to see our extensive range of wino supplies including ancient stained trenchcoats, urine-crusted trousers and bottles of paintstripper relabelled as 'Famous Grouse'. No-one need ever know! All sales in confidence. As recommended by local wino 'Pissed-up Harry' Headley.

"Peckham News are open late", says Harry. "And what's more there's a convenient public toilet right outside."

There is no toilet outside Peckham News.

Das Möose

"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and to tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth and live with the truth. That's what we'll do."
-- Richard M. Nixon

We apologise for the six-year gap between issues. This is due to a technical fault which forced the editorial staff to spend the entire intervening period lying on the sofa eating catering-size bags of Devilishly Hot Tortillas and watching "Ray Mears' Extreme Survival". Many thanks to the stalwart lads of the Southwark Fire & Civil Defence Authority 'Q Watch' at Peckham Fire Station who eventually managed to free the editor from his sofa with the aid of oxy-acetylene cutting equipment.

Note for freaks: There will be no more 'issues' of Moose Mansions, because I'm too lazy. However, I will be updating the individual titter-inducing pages more regularly than before, making Moose Mansions the premier Internet resource for curmudgeonly faces, unlikely names, celebrity character assassination and so forth. Keep sending stuff in - remember, your input makes the Mansions what it is. Shite.

Please bear in mind that many of these ancient jokes were hand-crafted by primitive tribespeople as long ago as 1998. Due to natural processes, some of these rib-ticklers may have lost their initial hilarity. We apologise in advance for this.

Do you like Moose Mansions? Does your appreciation for its chuckle generation abilities lead you into a mistaken assumption that the author must be a good bloke? Then why not help him out by sending stuff in? It doesn't have to be funny. In fact it rarely is. But due to a bizarre set of circumstances it's hardly worth going into here, the author receives a complimentary packet of Kellers 'Crispy Crumb' fishcakes (made with 100% real mashed potato) for every email you send. Nice, eh?

Season Ticket to the Mansions - By cracky! Now the miracle of Al Gore's new 'Internet' means you can be alerted anywhere at any time when the latest issue of Moose Mansions splatters onto the world's screens. Why not apply for a season ticket, quoting the special code phrase 'Hi, I'm Lorraine Kelly. And that's lovely.'

Moosemail

Buffy the Browser Slayer

Remember, Moose Mansions is committed to the principle of universal access to Web documents. We support your right to use whatever Web browser you want to. Unless it's Internet Explorer, in which case we vow to figuratively defecate into your bowl of breakfast cornflakes. And if it's IE6, we'll crap in the packet too.

Show your grudging acquiescence

Official link icon now available! Yes! A luxuriously hand-tooled poor-quality image can be yours, as long as you include the surrounding HTML.

And don't forget, we also welcome offers of cash from sponsors, particularly those keen on duping the younger generation, who all read these pages while high on ecstasy, crack and Vimto. Simply contact the editor and let him know which litter bin the brown paper bag will be left in.

The contents of this rib-tickling webzine are packed by weight, not by volume. The quips and sallies contained within may have settled in transit. Which explains the relative paucity of entertainment in this month's issue. So don't bother phoning our Complaints Department. They've gone ex-directory.

Sorted. Respect due.

Moose Mansions is brought to you by

Her Majesty's Government has now approved the controlled use of Moose Mansions for the relief of chronic dullness. Prescription only. Always read the label.