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Author
Topic: Why Is It When...? (Read 1616 times)

A member who is hurting and WRITES about it, it is called "DRAMA"? Why is it when a more popular member writes about being depressed and suicidal (in a different way, of course) it is accepted with open arms and responses? Is it because he or she GLOSSES IT OVER? I WILL NOT EVER 'gloss over' MY LIFE. Is it because he or she is more popular and kisses more ass here? I will NEVER kiss anyone's ass to be popular ANYWHERE. That only time THAT will happen is if he's my boyfriend. Then, it will be called REAMING (in a good way). You see, Rich still has his sense of humor.

That, my current & former friends, is DISCRIMINATION of a different sort, RIGHT HERE. I have heard from ONE person here since the fiasco of the other day: That person KNOWS what REAL FRIENDSHIP & ACCEPTANCE without getting into my business is about. Thank you, Jon. Thank you for being REAL and for LISTENING to me.

I AM HURTING!! I have tried all but drinking BATTERY ACID, and would, if it would take my ever-present physical and emotional pain away. Now, don't take that as LITERAL. It was an ANALOGY, folks!!! No, folks, Rich is NOT perfect. No, I am not crazy. A bit emotional, yes. Well, maybe more than a "bit" emotional these days. CRAZY = NO!! You know, we are ALL made-up/created differently. We cannot be carbon copies or believe in the same way at all times. That is NOT real. Nor is it living in reality.

LET GO of what David25luvit did to me at a time in my life when I was hurting badly? NO!!!! The same person who 'pretends' to be a loving presence here is the same one who was sending Robert little quips from the same, public Forums here TO HURT ME. For what reason, I will NEVER know. What did you REALLY have to gain, David? You never explained yourself to me or others here. YOU GO LIVE WITH ROBERT. See how long you last! So someone got hurt in a relationship/partnership?? Is THAT something NEW in any Gay or str8 relationship? Is it NEW that my Heart was stomped into the ground? NO!!

I do NOT have the market cornered on pain here. I know that.

THAT, what David did, my current and former friends, is WRONG and I will say something about it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN until he either explains himself or apologizes or BOTH. He does NOT even acknowledge what he did was WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. I do NOT have to accept that kind of SHIT/behavior in my life. POT-STIRRING to HURT ME is what it amounts to. IT IS WRONG!! He still does not GET IT that it was WRONG. What world are you living in??

Some of you look at me as a pariah because I was honest with Robert about Herman and honest on 'other' issues. Well, examine your OWN lives before you start trying to RUN mine! It ain't happenin'!!! I do not have to turn a blind eye to what is WRONG, in my eyes. I will continue to SPEAK OUT for myself and FOR OTHERS until this disease rots my body and mind away.

Herman, did you tell ALL those you've told (and LIED to, I might add) how "unstable" I am WHY I went off on you in Nashville, in the first place? Did you tell them about the airport bathroom in Nashville? I'll save that other person you went in the men's room with TWICE IN FIVE MINUTES some embarrassment because I don't think it was HIS FAULT. It was YOURS, Herman!! THAT is why I went off on you, Herman!!! That is WHY I WENT OFF HERE (partially)!! Did you tell them that is WHY I got upset with you and SPOKE MY MIND in Nashville? You did not seem to like it that I spoke my mind, Herman. I'd do it again and again and again. WRONG iS WRONG!! What you did going into that bathroom was WRONG and DISRESPECTFUL of me - the one person you 'SAID' you were IN LOVE WITH. Right!! I spoke up about my HURT and I was painted to be "emotionally unstable." I got news for ya: No one here can write a book on total, emotional stability.

At least I DO NOT do illegal drugs, rape little children, lie or steal or hurt people ON PURPOSE just 'for kicks'. I am deeper than that and have more moral fiber than that. I am a better person than that. You see, Rich knows who HE REALLY IS DEEP DOWN. Do you?

Did you know that I am still the same, loving person I always was? I may not fit your mold of what you'd like me to be. I never will. I am Rich. I am a unique person/entity. I have been suffering with CRIPPLING DEPRESSION since I was a child. SUICIDE IS A CONSTANT THOUGHT these days. Today? Not so bad!! You do not know how close I have come to ending my life, folks. At one point, I had a mouthful of 60mg morphine and would have swallowed had it not been for Robert accidentally intervening. He came into my room, said something to me and it shook me out of the 'trance' I was in. Yes, the same "richfinsm" who had to create a new username because he was BANNED from here by a moderator.

Bailey, I'm sorry I said what I said to you IN PUBLIC in the AM Gatherings Forum. I should have said it via PM.

I may not have POPULAR opinions or writings here, but THEY ARE MINE. As long as I am walking the 'correct' path, the 'popular' path here, I am accepted. ONE STEP outside that line and I GET BANNED or I get REAMED by others or some female with a Glamour Shots photo whom I have NEVER heard of telling me what these Forums are for. Is SHE a moderator? NO!! I understand why I got banned: For calling Bailey a "fucking snob". I do realize that was WAY out of line IN PUBLIC. For that, I do apologize to those who KNOW me and love me and understand me.

The same ones who whine about medicine not working for them are the same ones who do NOT take their meds correctly, sporadically or AT ALL on a consistent basis. If you want your HIV meds to work, TAKE THEM WITH 99%+ consistency. DO ALL YOU CAN TO GET UNDETECTIBLE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. Take NAC if you want to stabilize your CD-4s. It works!!! I have been using it for YEARS and credit NAC with helping to keep me from DYING. That, vitamin C, flax oil and MANY other things.

Those of us who are resistant to 99.99% of HIV meds (like me) don't have that luxury of taking HIV/HAART when we "feel like it". I have ALWAYS been 99.999% CONSISTENT in taking my HIV meds DAILY. That is one "brownie point" I will give myself. I listened WAY BACK WHEN to my doc, in that study (one of many) I was in and I took it SERIOUSLY. I also read many books on HIV, herbal things, etc., websites and still use COMPLIMENTARY things to help me SURVIVE. I will also do that until I draw my last breath.

You see, I am a man who is intelligent and seeks things to HELP HIMSELF. I do not claim to know it all, but I know a great deal because I have always PAID ATTENTION in my life and LISTENED to others. Both important traits. Does anyone want to hear what Rich has to say on any given subject? I could DEFINITELY be as outspoken as Moffie, Killfoile & others, with just as much tact and information to back up why I say something on any given subject. My 'things' may be said in a different way, but I can be outspoken FOR A GOOD CAUSE, as well. You see, I have always tried to 'stay out of the way' of others and in life, per se. I am a follower and not a leader, per se. Most of the more outgoing people here that KNOW THEIR STUFF about HIV, HIV history, getting important issues on the table...all of it...I AGREE WITH THEM. I may not always say so, but I agree with those who some might consider 'on the fringe' or "outspoken".

Keep on rockin', Moffie...Joe...Sonoma and the other guy from the 'old Forum' who was so informative about complimentary therapies. His name escapes me. I may not be able to come back to these Forums to sign in or write, but I will continue to read and absorb.

Thank you to those who have hung in there with me because you see something in me that mere text cannot express. THANK YOU, Trish & John. You saved my life that day here in Springfield. I told you that but wanted to acknowledge you PUBLICLY. I love you. So many of you here I love dearly. You may not understand me, but you give me the benefit of the doubt because you have looked into my eyes and *HUGGED* me in Toronto and Nashville.

Stay strong as you can, day by day. That is what I am doing.

Be well, all. Take charge of your own life. I am working on that, as well. It is getting better, day by day.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

The first guideline is that abusive language will not be tolerated. While you may have been hurting and writing about it, you are also guilty of abusive language targeted at specific individuals -- and this is not allowed.

You're not being banned now, nor do any of the moderators have plans to ban you in the future -- -provided that you take whatever deeply personal beef you have with Herman and David elsewhere. With that said, we look forward to hearing more from you, using the original account name you signed up with.