Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.Robin Morgan~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff"

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh wow what the heck happened?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A brilliant man goes to the hospital one day. "Doctor, I think I'm too smart. I can’t communicate with other people because nobody else sees things the way I do and it's ruining my social life. Is there anything you can do?”

The doctor performs many tests on the man, and finds that he is too smart for his own good. The doctor tells the man “Your IQ is 250, which is much greater than an average person. Luckily I can help you. I have a machine that will reduce your IQ to 160. You will still be very smart but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."

The man asks to receive the treatment immediately so the doctor straps him into the machine. Right after the doctor turns on the machine he gets a call from his ex-wife and they have a heated argument for several minutes. All of the sudden the doctor remembers his patient and hurriedly turns off the machine, but is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75. The doctor asks, "Are you ok?"

The main replies "I think I'll move to Oklahoma. I think I could communicate with the people there more better."

I didn't like the ending to that joke, so I changed it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank Goodness! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."

THAT nun is from Oklahoma.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diary in a Health Club

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout routine.

Dear Diary..For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to himin his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voiceis a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsoleteby elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.

Thursday:Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men'sroom. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:I hate that creep Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the < @*%23$>&*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have be someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the trength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the jerk) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

It's just a big old bowl of bl... not sposed to mention body fluids here, but it's thick and.......well not that thick, I'm on too many blood thinners, but it's red and liquidy.

Some people don't wanna think about that stuff hile eating their breakfast.

I guess I could understand that. When I think about chewing my food up, and what it looks like in my mouth all chewed up, and how I would never put it in my mouth if it looked like that to begin with. DRAT!! Never mind.

Forget I said any of that. Put it completely out of your mind.

Oh my, look at the time. I'd better get to bed. It's another early day for me.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe

Edited by BrownEyedTigre (10/01/1210:35 PM)Edit Reason: had to do it Joe. :)

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"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

Thanks for Tuesday, Joe; I decided to leave Monday behind. Spent today and yesterday cutting down a tree that was taking over my lilac bushes. Turns out it's a German olive and has thorns 1 to 2 inches and my arms are proof of it.

In a couple hours will indulge in watching wrestling so may all have a great day.

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Reading is to the mind, what exercise is to the body - Joseph Addison

Howdy Yankee Doodle dandy girl~ grain is $14.99 to $50 I pay $21 for Nojo's Omelene 100Alfalfa hay is #18 a bale now Mo is 23 I've had him since he was 4 months~your veggie lasagna sounds GREAT!!!! can I havesome?? my cats would eat it they eat anything

Have a good day Boomers Karem

Edited by Drmojo (10/02/1202:24 AM)

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"Horses are smart"

"You never heard of a Horse going broke"betting on Humans~ Will Rogers~

Good Morning Joe, 3db, Ana, Midgie, Karen, GBC, and Haroula. Joe keep smiling it's contagious! 3db I hope you aren't too sore after taking down that tree! Midgie have a nice day. Ana hope you get some down time outdoors with the dogs. It will help with the stress. Karen my horses lived to be 40 plus years old! GBC thanks for putting the coffee on. Haroula hope you feel better and the doctor appt goes well. Take Care All and have a Great Day!

Calling for scattered T'Storms today and tomorrow. Have lots to do. Made progress yesterday so I feel encouraged. Didn't get my walk in yesterday but I will today. Assuming it doesn't start pouring on me.

Hoping for a happy, productive, restful, better-feeling day for everyone!

I hope all is well with you .. I am still adjusting the body clock and hope the process will take less time coming back home .. hmm, not sure the ticker ever did adjust quite right over in GB but eventually it'll get back on track .. in the meantime early rises are OK .. sunrises and sunsets are favorites of mine and L4L .. take care everyone, it's time to officially start Tuesday!

There's fancy feast stuck in my keyboard and dust bunns and cat hair. I believe they want their own cmptr and play station. Believe me if they had them for pets they would get them.

Wow Karen does Mojo know the ammount you put up for him? But he's a good friend. He was a foal when you got him. Was his mother with him? When we had horses a bunch of us from the stable went to the farmers with my 4 horse trailer and filled it up with hay bales for 35 cents each. And it was fun. Right out of the field. I drove my truck and the strong guys threw and stacked the bales and we ladies just had a grand time. Then after a few cool beers we stacked them in our barn. I fed Omolene 200 and cut it a bit with oats. And I squawked when it was 8$ a bag. But I miss them so.

Most the lasagna is in the freezer -yummy for winter.

Good strong coffee yeah.

Everybody, buy a new game

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I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose