Welcome to this month's Having A Movie Moment With Jon Longhi where I review recent Blu-ray releases.

Jonny Quest, The Complete Original Series, Warner Archive:
In my opinion this is the best Saturday morning cartoon ever made and the greatest achievement of Hanna-Barbera Productions. I can already hear the angry cries of the naysayers: "But The Flintstones! The Jetsons!" I'm not belittling either of those shows, they are iconic entries in the history of cartoons and basically set the standard for funny cartoons. But Jonny Quest has levels of sophistication that neither of them has and was literally developed to be better than those two shows. Hanna-Barbera created Jonny Quest to deal with their own success. In the early to mid-1960s, The Flintstones and The Jetsons ruled the Saturday morning airwaves to the point where within a year or two every other competing cartoon show was drawn to look as near as possible to them. Hanna-Barbera basically flooded their own market and needed to come up with something stunningly new and different to stand out from the flooded marketplace that they themselves had created. So they turned away from the omnipresent humor shows and made an action/adventure series instead.

To spearhead this effort, they brought in the incredibly multi-talented Doug Wildey, an illustrator who had long worked in the comic book industry. Wildey truly understood the action/adventure genre and brought with him a bunch of his gifted comic artist friends to work on the Jonny Quest project. The end result is arguably the best action/adventure kid show ever made. Jonny Quest just fires on all levels: the artwork, the stories, the theme music, the voice actors, the designs...this show had it all and set the standard by which future cartoons would be measured by. The series told the story of a boy named Jonny Quest who had adventures with his government research scientist father, Doctor Benton Quest. Race Bannon was a secret agent assigned to be their bodyguard but ended up basically being a family member. In the course of their travels they adopt an orphaned Indian boy named Hadji. This was a real boys' club show; there was no mother or any women in the central cast, which has often caused me to comment that Jonny Quest was the first show about gay parenting.

Summer is over, or is it? Well, it certainly doesn't have to be! For the last few weeks I've been mostly landlocked, cooped up and unable to make it to the beach or anywhere else due to some bad luck and doctor's orders, but that hasn't stopped me from chasing my stupidest end-of-Summer seaside shenanigan-filled dreams by couch-surfing a good ol' beach movie marathon. And not just any old sandy surf movies, but specifically those bitchin' beach features from the golden age of VHS rentals and late night Cable TV programming—the 1980s!

Listed below in no particular order are sixteen films that, for better or for worse, fit the bill; feel free to let me know if any crucial contenders have been omitted (I had to pull the plug before hitting the bottom of the barrel). As I mentioned in my previous Amusement Park movie binge post, a lot of these titles are likely to be found used in our stores, especially if you're seeking to own them on VHS or LaserDisc. Please check the links to our online store or give us a call to see if we've got what you're looking for and we'll do our darndest to make your crazy 80s beach movie/tangible format dreams come true the old fashioned way, dude.

Where the Boys Are '84 (1984)

In this 80s remake of a 1960 teensploitation beach comedy by basically the same name, a couple of college girlfriends (a classical music major who'd rather stay put to finish her term paper before the end of Spring Break, a sex-crazed bombshell on the prowl for hunky He-Man one-night-stands, a straight-talkin' sassy lassy looking for a break from her clingy longtime beau, and a prissy, prudish, spoiled Southern belle with a cherry red convertible) escape their snowbound New England campus life for a week of flirty beach party action in Fort Lauderdale, where, according to the tagline, "all of your dreams come true". Hmm. Maybe if you dream of lowbrow boozy nightlife, "Hot Bod" dance contests, crashing formal mansion shindigs, baroque power ballad-edged romance, and spending your days at max capacity beaches without actually getting in the water. The best bit of this film involves a shitty hotel room, lots of weed, girl talk, a couple of pizzas, full contact make-out coaching, and an ocean burial for a male blow-up doll punctured in the line of duty (RIP).

Last Resort (1986)

Not to be confused with either Private Resort (1985), Hot Resort (1985), or with a bunch of other movies called Last Resort, this film falls into a sub-category of the bitchin' beach movie genre I like to call "mistaken vacations". Charles Grodin stars as an over-worked Dad who impulsively decides to take his wife and three kids on a family vacation to a shoddy tropical beach resort located in an unnamed foreign nation that appears to be on the edge of some kind of militant political revolution ("why are there so many soldiers?"). No worries, though! The staff at the resort (played by Gerrit Graham aka Beef from Phantom of the Paradise(!), Mario Van Peebles, and SNL alums Phil Hartman and Jon Lovitz among others) are friendly fun-bullies pushing a bounty of distractions on their innocent guests through exuberant yet dubious French/Spanish accented English. Loaded with technicolor tiki drinks, haplessly organized group activities, casual sexual encounters, and questionable compulsory nightlife entertainments, this turkey knocked me off my rocker with the scope and unpredictability of it's wackiness. It's an A++ gut-buster.

Computer Beach Party (1987)

As far as trashy teen sex comedies of the 80s go, this one's extra terrible even though it's pretty much got everything going for it. There's a beach town with a evil mayor, his kindhearted impressionable daughter, an improbable competitive sport ("kite buggy" racing), buried treasure, a giant "chicken" car, bumbling police, blockhead lifeguards, sex on the beach/in cars/in a van, a and a hunky nerd hero who uses his computer skills to miraculously plan epic beach parties. Take a moment and imagine being able to plan a beach-bound blowout using nothing but your computer in 1987. We're talkin' booking a band, ordering food and kegs, and notifying your guests (plus extra random girls) by sending out invitations 'n' things...for your beach party...using nothing but your computer...in 1987. Which, sure, okay, whatever—the title of the movie is Computer Beach Party after all. And, regarding booking a band, it should be noted that the movie also features a whopping fifteen songs and multiple live performances by hair metal band Panther (not to be confused with three other bands by the same name, especially not 80s L.A. rockers Panther whose self-titled debut features a young Jeff Scott Soto). The extent to which Panther is filmed kind of makes the movie feel like it's doubling as their demo reel, but the trade off is a bounty of definitive plot rock devices in the form of songs with lyrics about beach parties and other movie scene-relevant themes.

Beach House (1982)

In the mood for an early 80s Jersey Shore beach movie with a Surf/Punk soundtrack and a cast comprised of the director's friends and family (probably—they interact really well)? Look no further than Beach House, the movie/series of music videos where two groups of teens (white bread kids from the greater Philly area and sassy Italian-Amerikids from Brooklyn) share neighboring units in an Ocean City duplex resulting in a beach week's worth of fight-or-fuck frivolity and other delights. Highlights include a wild "Fourth of July T & T party" (that's Turkey and Tequila), people actually running to jump into waves at the beach (like you should), colorful day and night footage of the beach boardwalk amusements action, a heated baseball game between rivals that brings everyone together, and endless antics by guys with names Baby, Googie, Nudge, Drake, and Snooky. Be warned that there is this one rape-y incel creep and a couple of shitty bros that come close to ruining the fun at times, but, overall, this is a pretty good "bad movie" with nothin' but rad tunes by theRamones, Plastic Bertrand, Billy Bland, and ten original songs (plus covers like "When You Find Out" by The Nerves) performed by Adam Roth (he plays Googie in the film). Fun Fact: Beach House was originally called Down the Shore, but the title was changed because apparently only people from Philly say "Down the Shore". Also, if you ever clock an affordable copy of the Down The Shore (Original Soundtrack) LP by Adam Roth And His Band Of Men don't pass it up. Aside from ruling, obviously, as the movie proves, it's worth $$$.

Can people tell you're lame by the way you wear your shorts? Been criticized for your single fin mentality? Seen bigger waves in a toilet bowl? Are you so haole, you don't even know you're haole? Whether you answered "yes" or "no" to the questions above, trust that North Shore is the perfect flick for kooks like you. This lovable soup of quotable "surfer" dialogue and deliciously 80s fashion set against lush Hawaiian landscapes and siiick in-the-drink footage tells the story of wanna-be big wave rider and Arizona desert surf champion(?!) Rick Kane (Matt Adler) as he travels to Oahu's North Shore to surf the "season" before jetting off to art school. Curious to see if he's got what it takes to go pro, Rick channels his inner Karate Kid in preparation for entering the BIG North Shore surf contest, with the help of his Miyagi-esque surf guru coach Chandler (Gregory Harrison) and his "hui chick" love interest Kiani (Nia Peeples). Can a "barney" like Kane soul-surf to success against territorial locals, world famous pros, and the "LA kine" current reigning North Shore surf champion Lance Burkhart (a.k.a. actual big wave surfer Laird Hamilton) without getting drilled? Only one way to find out. Go ahead, go shred.

The Beach Girls (1982)

At first glance you might think this here's nothing but another buxom bikini'd beach girl B-movie, and you'd be right (hence the title), but it's got lot more going for it. For starters, it's filmed in and around a plush California beach house magnificently appointed with lots of tropical plants, swag lamps, stained glass, wood paneling, and other sensationally 70s interior motifs done up in varying shades of brown, yellow, and orange. This setting further boasts an impressive array of state-of-the-era creature comforts (a pool, sauna, hot tub, bar, a "great stereo", and tan-felted billiards) so, naturally, the structure of the movie's premise leans heavily on the need to throw a house party that never ends. The three leading ladies are bonafide 80s babes (including former Playboy Playmate Jeana Keough), there are a ton of dopey jokes that land surprisingly well despite being anything but easy on sexual innuendo, and the unknowns filling out periphery roles like The Nerd, Pizza Boy, Redhead, Champagne Girl, Champagne Boy, Surfer, Popper, Muscles, Frisbee Girl, Muff Diver, Shower Girl, and Vette Driver deliver a lot of this film's charm. As expected, the boob count is off the charts, but even at it's wackiest The Beach Girls maintains a consistent and engaging likeability for a sex comedy short on story and long on smutty gags. The only time this flick approaches actual raunchiness is during the few bits where two ethnic minority domestic servicemen are aped, treated like shit, or are shown turning on each other for no reason.

Surf II (1984)

High camp! Utter nonsense! Hardcore hijinks! Rad soundtrack! Nobody makes breakneck, coke-fueled spastic flicks like this anymore. Though it's billed as "the end of the trilogy", Surf II is neither a sequel or a prequel (Surf I and Surf III doesn't exist) and maybe that's all you need to know if you're on the fence about whether or not you're gonna watch this mess. The story follows local surfer space-cases Chuck (Eric Stoltz) and Bob (Jeffrey Rogers) as they attempt to fumbly deduce why their fellow surfer dudes are mutating into garbage-eating zombie punks and what that has to do with an addictive soft drink called Buzzz Cola, a coupe of bad business dads, and a nefarious teenage mad scientist Menlo Schwartzer (played with perfect brilliance by the one and only Eddie Deezen). With the fate of the big surf contest hanging in the balance, and little to no help from their hapless parents and bumbling police Chief Boyardie (Lyle Waggoner), can Chuck and Bob save their buddies from the clutches of breath-spray addicted yuppies and the revenge of a nerd hellbent on ridding the beaches of surfers forever? Surrender your mind and find out! Even if you hate it, Surf II is worth indulging for the Punk/New Wave meets Surf Rock soundtrack mashing the likes of Dick Dale, The Ventures, The Chantays, and The Beach Boys with theCircle Jerks, Split Enz, Talk Talk, Wall of Voodoo, Stray Cats, andDeserters. It even features the exclusive Oingo Boingo track "Hold Me Back" as result of Danny Elfman's brief involvement with the soundtrack production (though the soundtrack never received an official release).

Perhaps an attempt to ride the popularity wave of 1987's Dirty Dancing, Shag combines a Beach Music soundtrack with a story focused on the Carolina Shag dance craze to match, and a very Where The Boys Are formula of beach movie-making that romanticizes a specific slice of regional Americana. That is, I hope you don't mind the Confederate battle flag 'cause from the movie's title card, to wanna-be starlet Melaina (Bridget Fonda) crotch-flossin' the standard during a bodaciously bad dance routine set to a marching band version of "Dixie", and one miss Suzette (Leilani Sarelle) flauntin' her wares in a stars 'n' bars bikini for the Miss Sun Queen pageant, this film works that controversial banner in ways that, well, fit right in with the 1963 South Carolina setting. Centered around four girl friends (Phoebe Cates, Page Hannah, Annabeth Gish, and Fonda) desperate for on final Summer fling in Myrtle Beach before marriage and so forth separates them forever, Shag's will-they-or-won't-they relationship dramas weave in and out of carhops, fratty house party madness, beach boardwalk fun, silly rivalries, and hot hot Summer nights before finding resolution at the big Shag dance contest cherry atop this coming-of-age sundae. It's alright.

Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)

If the title of this film or the flavor of it's marketing materials grosses you out, prompts a full-body eye roll, or inspires a sudden craving for lukewarm garbage, then that can only mean one thing: Troma Entertainment has done it again! It's not for nothing that Troma has built a reputation for producing and distributing thousands of heinously low-budget independent horror/shock/bizarre B-movies, and Surf Nazis Must Die is definitely one of their very best worst releases. Or worst best, depending on your perspective. In the film, an earthquake has left the California coast in a state of disruption so chaotic that a local gang of Neo-Nazi surfers takes advantage of the upheaval to seize control of the beaches by attempting to fight off all the other surfer gangs (like the neon splatter gang, the tye-dye blonde boy gang, the ninja gang, etc.). However, vengeance comes for the Surf Nazis in the form of Elinor “Mama” Washington (Gail Neely) who, devastated by the murder of her beloved son at the hands of the racist beach gang, breaks out of her retirement home armed with guns, grenades, and a vow to single-handedly wipe out every last one of them. Definitely a Grade-A Troma "movie of the future".

Summer Rental (1985)

Much like Last Resort, Summer Rental is another drop in "mistaken vacation" beach movie bucket, this time starring John Candy in the overworked Dad role (his character is a stressed out air traffic controller so the struggle feels real). With his company's blessing, he takes his family on a weeks long vacation to Florida's Atlantic coast where, upon arrival, everything falls into place in ways that seem almost too good to be true. Of course—it should come as no surprise, less than twenty-four hours and a few realty checks later their seemingly heaven-sent cream of a family getaway goes from relaxing to taxing, with physical injuries and an additional unfortunate run-in with the local "champagne villain" further hindering Dad's already damaged ability to indulge in family fun. Enter Rip Torn as the local scallywag running a sketchy seafood restaurant out of his rundown sailboat, "The Barnacle", with whom Candy's character strikes up an unlikely friendship that turns the beat around for the Joe Q. Public beach-keepers of the world. A very enjoyable screwball comedy of a family film, free of rude nudity and overt sexploitation unlike, say, Hardbodies...

Comin' in hot with a tit-ular theme song backing an intro montage of half-naked beach babes in string bikinis oiling up 'n' rubbing down to lay out on the sand, roller skate the beach boardwalk, and frolic splishy-splashy topless in the breakers, Hardbodies makes no attempt to adjust any preconceived assumptions one might have post-peeping the movie poster, delivering sex action and lots of nudity (including male full frontal) within the first five minutes. The story follows cool dude/beach bum Scotty Palmer (Grant Cramer) who, after proving he can score plenty with local chicks (or, by his definition, "Hardbodies. You know, the little foxes down the beach") and keep his turf geek-free with the help of his totally radical sidekick Rag (Courtney Gains), lands a live-in gig teaching some over-the-hill, moneyed divorcés who just bought a neon-lit beachfront party pad how to pick up hardbodies of their own using his icky, catchily-named scam artist techniques. Featuring old man make-overs, all-female glam rock band Vixen, and a hotrod waterbed, Hardbodies is demoralizing, dumb fun with breasts aplenty and a side of "I don't fuck fossils for free" sick burns.

Beach Balls (1988)

Another crazy 80s beach movie about boys chasing girls, visually represented (on the left) by the album art for the movie soundtrack LP rather than the movie poster because every inch of this film is dominated by the concurrent sleaze rock/hair metal boom flourishing in L.A. when this movie was made—a music scene that is perhaps best captured by Penelope Spheeris' documentary The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years. In fact, Beach Balls features some of the same real life characters as The Metal Years, namely the self-styled "Godfather of Rock 'N' Roll" and owner of the infamous Sunset Strip nightclub Gazzari's, Bill Gazzarri, and Cindy Birmisa, the reigning Miss Gazzarri Dancer of the Year 1987 in the documentary. Anyway, the Beach Balls story goes something like this: young musician and beach girl-watcher Charlie (Phillip Paley, a.k.a. Cha-Ka from Land of the Lost) dreams of becoming a rock star in order to win the heart of his band-obsessed bikini girl but "not a groupie" crush, Wendy (Heidi Helmer). When his backmasking-detective/PMRC-minded mom and dad leave town to attend a huge "rally for decency" in New York, Charlie seizes the opportunity to host a house party to hopefully win Wendy's heart, get himself in a band, and get said band a record deal. That's a tall order and, of course, it's not as simple as all that, but for a Roger Corman-produced coming-of-age teen beach boo-boo that embraces the likes of Bill Gazzarri, his stable of dancers, and the D.R. Starr band while also dumping on religious/political zealots, this low budget, late-80s L.A. rock odyssey is worth the effort if you can find it—good luck!

An odd inclusion on this list? Hardly. Although it's a captivating adaptation depicting a shipwrecked party of three (a young boy, a young girl, and an old, rum-swilling salty dog of a sailor) learning how to survive life on an uncharted South Seas tropical isle, seeing 80s super stars Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkinsact their "story of natural love" as children of paradise processing rites of passage like death and sexual maturity as they grow up together with little other than their instincts and childhood memories to guide them makes this film crazy enough to make the cut. Sure, there are no loud parties or rowdy pursuits that necessitate quick edits and reckless pacing, but there is plenty of beach-based adventure stuffed between long, lingering shots of the lovely deserted (or is it?) Fijian island location where the film was shot. Unlike most of the other movies listed here, The Blue Lagoon'snudity and sex scenes are mild rather than vulgar, save for one laughable masturbation-on-the-beach bit and other predictably awkward tender moments fueled by mysterious hormonal awakenings. All told, it's an underrated film that radiates a lot of rare beauty annnd a little ridiculousness.

Hot Moves (1985)

Literally the most boner-rific and awkward sex comedy included here, Hot Moves seems to be a movie made to pose the question, "Is there such a thing as too many boobs?", only to immediately answer said query with a resounding pubescent voice-crack of a "No!". Focusing loosely on the story of four high school losers who make a pact to help each other get laid before Summer's end so they won't have to start their senior year as virgins, thisprecursor to American Pie (1999) peppers it's cutesy yet timeworn gimmicks 'n' gags narrative with enough B-roll filler footage of Venice Beach and it's many radical diversions that I couldn't help but recall how it felt to grow up as a Southerner, born and raised on the East Coast, enviously consuming so many "I wish they all could be California" beach movies like this one, hoping that all these "good time" depictions, however ridiculous, were more than just a bunch of contrived Hollywood hooey. Whether I found this to be true based on my own grown up California beach experiences is another blog post altogether, but—hey!—lookout for Hot Moves' Chariots of Fire inspired sequence showcasing dozens of fully nude women inexplicably jogging down a beach in slow motion, it's a notable achievement in teen sex comedy cult film entertainment.

While settling in to watch Weekend at Bernie's for the first time since seeing it in the theater a lifetime ago, I began to wonder why it is that all East Coast-situated 80s beach comedies seem to be framed by a need to break from a busy work/school schedule, while their West Coast counterparts seem to spring from locals already living a fully stoked beach life regardless of whatever rising action lies ahead (I guess that was a boner joke). Anyway, mostly filmed in and around coastal North Carolina, a part of the US near and dear to my heart, Weekend at Bernie's is a dopey, should'a would'a could'a two Coreys vehicle that kind of makes you want to, I don't know, sever your neural pathways? I mean, how is it that no one aside from Larry (Andrew McCarthy, tie-in with the Chariots of Fire mention above) and Richard (Jonathan Silverman, aka the nerdy guy from Girls Just Want to Have Fun) notices that the third man starring in this extended beach house slapstick comedy of errors, their crooked boss Bernie (Terry Kiser, who rules in this), is a (SPOILER ALERT) dead guy? Anyway, hilarity ensues. Actually, it's propped up to death!

Back to the Beach (1987)

For the record, this is the movie that killed my crazy 80s beach movie binge. It's got a lot of playful goofiness and era-appropriate high-energy pacing, but as the movie starts cooking it begins to resemble 50s/60s beach movie revival turkey dipped in neon kitsch and drunk-drowning in it's own nostalgia drippings. The mid-to-late 80s were a weird time for pop culture rewinds, with movies like Back to the Future and Dirty Dancing making good on generating era-crossover interests in music and styles, but Back to the Beach plays like a slapdash Zinka-smeared Memphis Group homage to Frankie and Annette's former beach partying glory days, starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello themselves as grown up has-beens, or, well, as themselves. It's cute at first when their little punker kid is pointing out how stuck they are in their static mid-century time tunnel, but once they go, you know, back to the beach, the movie starts to slip around in it's own gravy. It's a fun, tacky mess, and I guess that means it works well as whole picture, but there's a nagging tediousness to it that wore me out midway through and not even Pee-wee Herman's magical "Surfin' Bird" cameo could rouse my interests back to the beach, so to speak.

Annnnd that's as far as I got! I don't know if I'm hot for another themed movie marathon or not, but I've had my fill of sex comedies for the moment. Otherwise, I'm open for suggestions. Movies are the best, yes?

Rapper Earl Sweatshirt and producer Samiyam are always looking for the answers to life's more profound questions like, "What's a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength to do after he's eliminated crime from his hometown?" Hopefully they'll find the answer while watching The Toxic Avenger III: The Last Temptation of Toxie, Troma Entertainment's third installment in their cult-classic series. The pair picked up a pile of Troma DVDs, including such think pieces as Mad Cow, Viral Assassins, and Redneck Zombies, as well as a healthy and eclectic stack of records on their recent visit to Amoeba Hollywood. All the while the two gave out some good sampling tips and Ethiopian food recommendations.