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ANTRIM, Scotland -- The Office of Fair Trading has found the NHS is paying Columbian drug cartels hundreds of millions of pounds too much for raw cocaine and other illicit narcotics, it has been reported. The NHS spends some £107bn annually on running drugs such as cocaine, heroin, cannabis and Haemorrhoid cream.

It is understood the watchdog has concluded the Columbians have been "pulling a fast one" over the NHS for years. It is thought that one shipment of Cocaine cost the NHS £50 million, thought to be more that 20% over the going rate.

A Department of Health spokeswoman said: "We are grateful to the Office of Fair Trading for this report and we will be speaking to the Columbians in due course. If a satisfactory agreement is not reached we fully intend to move our custom to Afghanistani Warlords, who are growing a fine crop of poppies these days."

A Conservative member of the Commons health select committee said "what we need to do is make an example of these greasy bastards and blow a few kneecaps off. Its all about respect in this game. If we don't have that then we may as well shoot ourselves!"

Columbian cartel spokesman Pablo Ariba was unrepentant last night, "Hey, we're not f***ing Tesco you know! Our customers pay the price we ask or someone loses an eye or maybe a wife goes 'missing', Maybe a few cars 'blow up'. If they want our protection I would strongly recommend they continue to buy our high quality product. Then everybody's happy no?"