I was tidying my room today when I found loads of Valium , just feel grateful that I don’t take Valium . Wish I had known they were there a couple of months ago though as my wife needed them and they’re not easy to get on prescription, she must have put them out of reach from our boys and forgotten all about them !!

Today I’ve had more counselling and drug tests and things are going really well on both fronts, my counsellor , who is amazing , is really finding the triggers for me using and drinking and it’s not the things I thought it was , it’s childhood stuff I wasn’t even aware of. I was quite shocked what came up , but also im pleased it did as I can now deal with it and move forward. Life is really changing for me , but I’ve had to change it , I’m working on my recovery with enthusiasm and confidence ,I am just finishing step 8 of my 12 step program and my life is full, I have lots of calls from other addicts as we walk side by side on this journey of recovery , I never realised that getting clean and staying clean would give me this life , today I’m happier than I can remember .

I have a choice when I wake up and I just choose to be happy!! No one can make you angry, depressed, upset or any other emotion, you make the choice to feel how you feel.

Life is going really well , not because of anything external just because I have acceptance around everything in my life , I could think oh I want that or need this but that’s such a negative way to live. I used to like to blame other people for anything that went wrong , however since becoming honest , open minded and willing that has all changed , I live an honest spiritual way of life and life has become very manageable.

I was at a CA convention in Wales at the weekend and it was probably the best weekend I’ve ever had , fellowship , recovery and so many new friends , I was even dancing clean and sober , not very good dancing but it was so much fun.

Day 2 of the Cocaine Anonymous convention in Wales and what a great weekend so far!! Meeting loads of new people, having loads of fun without the need for drink and drugs.

Today I watched a play which was an adaptation of the book “mum leans me twenty quid” , it absolutely blew my mind , so much so I ordered the book straight away. It is a book about addiction , the play was fantastic , people crying everywhere you looked in the audience , because we understand how this illness affects our families, we get it , it’s still on my mind now , my wife would’ve loved it , she would’ve loved to be in it!!

My god I have just witnessed the best live performance I’ve ever seen in my life !!! The really weird thing is that she had the same name as my wife and my wife is a fantastic singer , it brought back some really nice memories . I wonder if my wife would’ve have beaten her , would’ve been a great sing off, such a shame she couldn’t have been here. There is a hell of a lot of talent in CA.

Just heard the best share I’ve ever heard in a meeting too , Danny F. from New York , so inspirational , loved the way he talked about the 2 most important things in recovery God and Honesty, he named his God from the podium , loved it.

It really made me realise that it’s time for me to follow something ive talked about for a long time , to explore a calling I have , my wife prompted me to do it , she has that belief in me , hun I’m going to do it , tomorrow I make the call , thank you for showing that faith in me.

What a great day I’ve had, the best in a long time and it’s not over yet , I’m off to the CA disco 😄😃

I’m clean and sober and because of that I was able to see my son in hospital, I present well when I see the professionals involved in my life , I don’t need to try to present well , I’m just back to the guy I used to be , dare I say “normal” no!! I’m a long way from that , but I’m available , I’m clean and I’m living life.

The obsession to alter the way I feel with substances has left me . Being an addict can be so tiring , always trying to get money or waiting for dealers and all for drugs you don’t want to take its hell!!

Really feel like a drug addict today , I’m not using and have no thought of using , but I’m still a drug addict.

My main problem in recovery is dealing with feelings , good , bad or indifferent I struggle with feelings. It could be that I’m in the action part of the 12 step program, the emotional part of the program. There’s nothing in there that will make me pick up because I’m working the steps honestly and thoroughly , there’s stuff I’ve picked up on before but I no longer live like that , I have a power in my life which means the obsession to drink or use drugs has left me, as long as I keep doing what is outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

Since starting writing this particular blog today ive done two meetings inbetween , feeling a little less raw than earlier, I need to slow down a bit , I’m putting in so much action to keep clean I’m forgetting to look after me , so nearly home , nice and early and I’m going to read a normal book , no recovery stuff when I get in just me time.

I’m proud of my wife, she has now been in a private treatment centre for 3 weeks , it will be the longest she’s ever been without mind altering substances.

I know a lot of people will say that it’s easy to remain abstinent in a treatment facility, but you can walk out anytime and go back to the old life and old behaviours, but she hasn’t she’s stayed!!

Recovery from any addiction or BPD is not easy , sure the test will be when she gets out but for now and another week she is safe , she is alive and she has hope in her life and most importantly our kids still have a mum!! For that I’m very grateful and very proud!! Go girl xx

I’ve been reading a lot on BPD so I can understand the stuff she has to live with, sounds tough but it also explains a lot of her past behaviours , I’m also talking to a mental health charity to find out more , just so I can understand and empathise , and listen too , I just want to be able to understand if we do ever chat again and in the future be able to explain to the kids.

It’s nice to be thinking of someone else and thinking of their needs , it’s good for the soul.

It’s said that resentments are the number one thing that will make and addict or alcoholic relapse. I check myself daily to see if there are any resentments building because I realise that a resentment only damages the person carrying it.
There is a person that I see sporadically that is so full of resentment you can actually see it in their face , I’m so grateful when I see this person as it is such a great reminder to deal with resentment as soon as it comes up . Also holding resentments around people who are addicts/alcoholics can cause the addict/alcoholic to relapse. I’ve had to not talk to one of my family members too often as they hold resentments against my wife and her family but I don’t need the negativity as I need to stay in recovery whatever that takes. So until such time as I can clear the air with doing my amends I have to just cut them from my life.
I just don’t get why people carry that stuff around with them , the pressure of hate and resentment can kill the carrier, as the saying goes “it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
God bless