posted 07-04-201212:16 PM
Hey. I used to be on this site a lot, and I owe everything to you guys, you serously saved me. But its got bad again.for a while things were perfect, everything was going okay... but resently, hannah my best friend went to our head of year saying she was worried about me. fair enough right? I was okay with it, but what I didn't know is along with telling my head of year she told my favroute teacher, mrs fraser. mrs fraser is lovely, and basicly became my 'mentor' so I see her once a week to talk about things that are going on.but hannah told her I was gay... the thing is I'm scaired. too many people know, somehow mr edwards (my head of year) found out, I'm guessing I know who told him, and he told my mom, who told my dad, who told my sister who told olly my brother. My friend niki and my friend charlotte both know as well. I don't like it. I don't like it beeing a part of me, and with theese people it is, it makes me so uncomftible for them to know I'm this, what I am, and no ones compleetly normal about it, no one takes it just normally. they all want to talk about it all the time, pick at it... ask me questions, how long I've known, who I told first ect. the only person who I can propperly talk to about it is mrs fraser. and the worst thing is I only have two weeks left at my school because I'm moving to upperschool now that i'm in Year eight and its the end of the year... ones she's gone, I have no idea how I can cope. No idea how I'll be able to just be okay, she's not a trained theripist or anything, but shes the closest thing I've got to a best friend, where everythings easy and jujment free. I don't know how i'll cope next year. I'm sorry I'm writing, I thought it would all get better, and it did for a while...
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posted 07-04-201204:20 PM
Hey OneOfThree, it's nice to see you again, although not nice that the circumstances that brought you here aren't great.

Have you spoken to Mrs. Fraser about any of these concerns yet? Does she have any suggestions about whom you could talk to in upper school?

As per so many people knowing that you're gay: have you tried telling them that it's none of their business or that you don't want to discuss it with them when they ask you? Also, how long has it been since they've known? Eventually they are likely to become accustomed to the idea and stop asking so many questions.

It is really unfair that Hannah and others have taken away your right to decide who knows about your orientation, that really should be something you get to decide. As it is, there is nothing you can do now to reduce the number of people who know. Your power, now, is in how you deal with these people knowing.

Don't be sorry for writing to us. We're always happy to help, and people who don't want to help or don't want to read what you've written don't have to.

posted 07-05-201211:12 AM
hey, thank you for replying. I've told her that I don't want to go, she doesn't really say much, she sort of changes the subject to how good it will be at my next school- how I can re-invent myself. there is a support center at the upperschool and the moto is 'the door is always open' but they got me to see the head councler, and bacily she was my guidence councler and i hated her. alot. she was awful to me, she just moaned and I don't think I can go to student sirves because she's incharge...I have to my pairents, they go 'well its a big thing, we need to ask theese questions' and I'd get them asking if it was just once or twice 'have you ever had a girlfriend' ect, my dad, hes awful about it, my friend is openly bi and came over and he asked me if she was my girlfriend, I meen of course, because all gay people must be going out... for difrent people its difrent amounts of time, it seems like hannah has known for ever, and sam with niki. they have known for quite a whlie now, with my pairents its still resonably new.I don't really know what you can do to help... I felt like... I don't know just advise... I don't know what to do, or how I'm going to cope with it... I guess a big part of it is just saying it, adressing it as a problem.. you know?...
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posted 07-05-201212:06 PM
Hi, OneOfThree. I think I hear you saying that you're finding it tough when your parents are asking questions and not really understanding what's going on for you? If I have that right, there's a resource that might be helpful to you; you could perhaps direct your parents to it, or maybe pick the bits that you think would be most relevant if you wanted. http://www.fflag.org.uk/

Also, there are LGBT youth groups across much of the UK, and I wonder if you having people to share with in a similar situation might help you? Do you know if there's a group like that in your area?

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posted 07-05-201201:44 PM
I've just sent my mom the link via facebook, thank you for that. I did look into that, but were not really in a verry... how do you put it, homosexual accsepting airia. theres never been anything put in place for it...
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posted 07-05-201202:04 PM
Hm. I do hear you on that, my own town is kinda... poor in that area. Most cities have some kind of youth support centre, and those usually include specific services for queer youth, as that's a common need, given the lack of support there can be elsewhere. Are you anywhere near a reasonable-size city or town?

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posted 07-06-201211:19 AM
No were in the middle of the contry side, my mom said that she looked at the site but she probally didn't. my dad works in london - hes cheif of medisin and a phyciaatrist - you'd think that he'd be good with finding theese kind of things but when school found out about my attempted suiside, they asked if I wanted to see a theripist which dad said I wasn't aloud to do because it would meen I would have a record and wouldn't be able to get a good job.
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posted 07-06-201211:32 AM
Well I'm no expert, and I don't live in the UK, but I've never hear of psychiatry records that an employer can access. It simply doesn't work like that. It would be an immense violation of your rights and privacy.

posted 07-06-201211:43 AM
Righto. It's clear that there are a few barriers in the way of you getting some support, but I do think that a way can be found round those barriers. Just checking in with you: would you like to be able to access some kind of support? If so, I'm thinking that support specifically for queer or lesbian youth might be the most appropriate and useful thing for you - but what do you think would be good for you?

About what your dad said. It is true that people who have some kinds of mental health care on their medical records can experience some kinds of discrimination in the future. However, and this is a huge however: that should never be a reason not to get medical care that we need. It's also not as straightforward as your dad said it: usually, when we apply for a job, our prospective employer cannot see our medical records. We may have to declare anything that may affect our work for them, but past treatment for something?- no. The vast majority of people and organisations in our lives will not know what medical treatment we've had, including mental health treatment, unless we tell them. There are also ways of accessing therapy that does not become connected with the rest of our medical records, so worry about our records and the impact on future opportunities should never stop us getting care we need and want. Also, medically, your dad is not in a position to say what types of medical care you are and are not allowed to have, and if you did want to pursue something, if you did not want medical professionals to tell your parents, they wouldn't be allowed to. That said, I do understand that it can be difficult or unpleasant to do things against our parents' wishes or without their knowledge.

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posted 07-06-201211:53 AM
I really do want to get help. thats a defanate, but I can't talk about this. not to my pairents - but to talk to someone who was gay would be amazing, its just not woring.do you think having a history of thearipy would stop me from being a RE teacher? I know, he's weird about theese kinds of things, I don't get it. its like he's ashamed.
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posted 07-06-201212:06 PM
Ok. You said you'd tried to look for some groups before - can you fill me in on what you tried, so we don't end up trying the same things again? Also, what kind of support are you thinking of here - are you looking for therapy specifically, or are you wanting general support maybe from an organisation with support or guidance from gay adults or older youth, or would you like to be able to connect with other gay youth? Or any combination of those

Also, would you feel comfortable saying what region you're in, to narrow things down a bit? If not, going off something you said above, would you feel comfortable saying if your dad can commute to and from London in the same day?

There's no reason I know of why having a history of therapy would stop you from being an RE teacher.

I'm sorry that your dad doesn't seem very supportive or accepting. There's nothing to be ashamed about with someone needing some support or therapy, and I'm sorry he doesn't seem to see it that way.

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posted 07-06-201212:38 PM
We googled it, nothing close enough for me to go to as far as google is conserned. I am, well was until last thursday seeing a school counucler called mrs kaine but its not working. my ideal would be to be able to talk to other memebers of the GLBT community no matter age or gender, just people like me. or just any types of grope theorpy would be awsome.I live in UK, Bedfordshire. my dad works in essex and my mom works in Luton. if that helps? I don't get my dad, sometimes hes fine with it, sometimes he's not at all, and he makes all these homophobic comments... but I'm used to it.
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posted 07-06-201201:35 PM
Ok. If you like, I can have a bit of an explore around the internet and see what I come up with around Bedfordshire, and let you know what I found in a day or two? Not everything comes up on google, and maybe there's some kind of outreach thing from somewhere else. There's sometimes LGBT support available by telephone if we can't physically get to a place or a meeting - is that something that would be an option for you? Also, I know that there are internet-based youth LGBT UK communities - would you be interested in those?

And ugh to those homophobic comments your dad makes, that's not fun, and doesn't help us feel all that secure.

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posted 07-06-201202:42 PM
thats awsome, all of it thank you so so much. if it helps your surch, I live resonably near heartfordshire too - and would be able to go there. I looked up some of those phone bassed ones, but I only found the trevor prodject and it didn't seem to work when I phoned it, internatinal number I guess. but I'm home alone alot so phoning would be a good idea, also I've tryed some online ones - exspearence prodject? but it doesn't seem to be working so much...his comments, its weird because there always jokes and when I don't find them funny, he'll try and justfy them, saying something even worse... I just nod along... thank you so so so much for your help, serously you've no idea how fantastic you are.
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posted 07-06-201203:19 PM
Righto, I'll have a look around for things serving Bedfordshire and Hertfordshire, and local and national phonelines, and which internet communities look active, supportive and "safer spaces". I'm pretty positive that there'll be something for you, even if that's a phoneline or an internet group. And you're right, the Trevor Project is (I think) an American number. As I said, give me a day or two to explore, and I'll give you what I come up with.

It's a pleasure to help.

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posted 07-08-201207:38 PM
(OneOfThree, I am on this for you, but it's taking a little longer than I promised, and I'm very sorry about that. Two people I like and respect had a bad misunderstanding this weekend, and it took time and mental energy to attempt to sort it. On the plus side, silly me, I remembered I have a friend who lives in Beds and is gay, so I'll drop him a message; I don't know if he'll know anything relevant to you because he didn't grow up there, and I don't know when he might reply because he's travelling at the moment, but I'll give it a try .)

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posted 07-09-201211:40 AM
Thank you so much I'm not worried about the time it takes, the idea that anything might be there to help is keeping me going at the moment. anything for gays, self harmers... its just any tipe or support will help. (: I'm sorry about your ishues at home.
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posted 07-09-201212:53 PM
The places anywhere near you that offer the best range of LGBT youth support are Milton Keynes and Cambridge. From what you said, I'm imagining that you wouldn't be able to get to either of those, so I haven't looked up all the details, but I am aware it's there. If I'm wrong and you'd like the information for either place, just let me know.

As you already know, Bedfordshire is very thin on the ground for LGBT youth support. However, I have found a couple of things that could be good leads. First, there's a support line specific to Luton (I'm sure that it's fine for you to use even if you don't live in Luton itself): http://www.youth.luton.gov.uk/13.cfm?p=665 I don't know if you're able to get to Luton or not - I know there used to be a group there, though I'm not sure if it still exists. I'm sure the support line would be able to tell you about that. (Just a heads-up, that number is clearly a mobile phone number, which may make calling more expensive, depending on the call plan on the phone you use.) The other thing in Bedfordshire is this: http://www.lubya.co.uk/about.html They're not LGBT specific, but they may know about and be able to direct you to anything that's going on that is.

Hertfordshire is better It's still not great, but I found this: http://www.youngprideinherts.org/ It looks like they meet for coffee in different towns around Hertfordshire, some of which you might be able to get to? I don't know what public transport is like round you, and how able you are to use it to get places, but it looks like there are things in St Albans/Hemel Hempstead/Harpenden. I'm afraid I haven't seen anything round Hitchin/Letchworth/Stevenage, if that's nearer to where you are, but you're probably best asking the people and groups operating in the area.

The other thing I've got is this: http://www.queeryouth.org.uk/community/ It took me a while to figure out how to navigate round the site, so if you get stuck, feel free to ask (or maybe it was just me, quite likely!). This is a national group with discussion boards on the internet, covering various topics; it's also divided into regional groups, which have their own boards on the site, and which organise local meet-ups. Bedfordshire seems to be in a boundary area between regions, and I recommend checking out both "London and South East" and "East Anglia" regions for anything relevant to you and anyone who might live near you. I don't guarantee that this place on the internet is as much a "safer space" as Scarleteen, or how accurate the information on there is, but it Is moderated, and I saw a post where someone broke the rules and tried to use it as a dating site, and the moderators acted, so that's encouraging. I also didn't see anything that gave me any concerns. Young people can register on the site, so if you take a look and find that it's a place you like, you could register and use it as a way to connect with other LGBT young people in your area. For example, I found a post where a regional co-ordinator for London and South East said they lived in St Albans

I'll follow up with some national phonelines and organisations later, I just thought I'd start you off with this.

(And thank you for your concern. It's one of those things that'll be alright in the end.)

[ 07-09-2012, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Redskies ]

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posted 07-09-201203:47 PM
Thank you soo much for you time and your help. my mom works in luton, so it I think those will be great to go to, I"m going to look at all these sites now, each of them sounds brillient, now I just need a way to bring them up with my pairents. if there is anything perticually good in cambrige, I can get there easly by a buss - if you have time that would be great to see, sorry for asking so much. I am a member of central beds youth parlement, and seeing how little there is I"m going to menchion it in our next meeting - there always needs some one to make a difrence, and I think poeple who are gay desurve some more supporit and I can't be the onlyone who thinks that. thank you again for all theese links, and just for spending so much time your fantastic and so so so helpfull.
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posted 07-10-201208:17 AM
That's one of the best things about helping other people - when they thank you for helping them. All the best, and you are in good (virtual anyway ) hands with Redskies! Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted 07-10-201204:19 PM
you guys are the best, serously. I feel so cared for on this site. I do have one thing, I'm looking for sort of advise. I told this girl I was gay, my best friend hannah... baicilcy, she keeps on doing theese things, sort of things I wouldn't let anyone else do, like walk all over me but I can't seem to tell her to stop doing any of theese things because she knows. its like, if she didn't know, we wouldn't be friends. we never stop aguing, and its almost as if she only likes to ague, nothing else and its over the stupidest things! I don't even understand how she comes up with some of them, yet she does. and then she'll do all this self pitty stuff, like 'you shoulnd't be cutting your wrists, I should because i ruen everyones liffe' and to be honest i find it really hard to belive that she mens it and isn't just saying it so we all go 'nnoo your brillient' sort of thing... but yeah, I guess I"m ranting.
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There's this organisation http://www.2byou.org.uk/ in Cambridgeshire for LGB and Questioning young people, and it looks like they have groups meeting in Cambridge. It does say it's for people "in Cambridgeshire", but considering there's not a lot near you, I'm sure you can at least ask them, and I hope they'd be understanding.

Then there's this http://www.centre33.org.uk/index.php for young people generally, again "in Cambridgeshire". They do list "Gay, lesbian, bi and transgender" and "mental health" as things they cover, but don't give any further information, at least that I can find. They state that they offer counselling. If you're interested in getting any kind of therapy, this place might be a possibility, as it would be free (I assume!) and independent of your parents and your medical records. I would say, though, that they don't give enough information about their counselling for me to make any judgement about its likely quality. To be a proper counsellor, someone should have extensive counselling training and not be "just" a support worker, or even have "just" a counselling skills certificate. It's hard to list exact guidelines for what to look for in counsellors in the UK, but really, a person should have or be near the end of a diploma or advanced diploma, and be a member of or accredited by one of the professional counselling and/or therapy organisations. You can always ask what training, experience and qualifications a counsellor has and then take the information away to check out what it means.

Alternatively, if you wanted to investigate counselling, these people might be people to ask about where you might be able to access it: http://youthaccess.org.uk/

If you need specific support around self-harm, I found a place that looks like it might be good: http://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/home It's Bristol Crisis Service for Women, and it provides text and email support to women aged from 11 to 25 nationally. They also have a fair amount of information on the site - although a lot of their information comes up as pdfs, which I know is no good for people using screen-readers. In case that doesn't feel like a good fit, another web organisation I found which specifically mentions and addresses young people (and I found some organisations that don't seem to) is http://www.harmless.org.uk/index.php They offer postal and email support.

I think it sounds absolutely awesome if you want to bring up issues of lack of local LGBT youth support. That sounds like a very brave, and potentially very empowering, thing to do. I wonder if, so long as you feel ready, doing something like that might help you get back some sense of control regarding your orientation after being non-consensually outed to various people?

And finally, some national LGBT support/information phonelines still to come

[ 07-10-2012, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: Redskies ]

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posted 07-11-201201:57 AM
thank you so so much. theese all look fantastic, and I"m going to read into them with my mom this weekend, when my cousins are gone back to sctland (there living with us for this week) I really think there should me more, I meen if you think about it, a tenth of the population are gay and I"m sure a high persentage of that thenth probally want some support. I really think if I bring it up somthing could be done, even if I have to run it myself. (: thank you so much for all of this, you've been (and are) so so so helpfull. xxx
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posted 07-13-201210:03 PM
So, two LGBT phonelines for you. I haven't actually turned up any specifically for young people, but that might just be me. You can also always ask these places what resources they know of, nationally or local to you. The first place is http://www.llgs.org.uk/helpline.html which serves UK-wide, although it's named "London". This is the one that gets linked to and mentioned the most, as far as I know.

I think you probably have enough to look through there! Hopefully some of it will lead you to some support that works well for you.

You said your mom would look through these too - I hope that means she's being supportive of you.

I totally agree that there are likely good numbers of young LGBT folk who could really use the support and just aren't getting it at the moment. That sounds totally awesome that you're up for starting something yourself if there isn't something already - go you!

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