Physically abusive husband needs to get help

November 20, 2006

Dear Annie, Recently, my daughter, "Sara," and her husband, "Dustin," had problems that escalated into physical abuse. They both did hurtful things, but Dustin choked Sara and kicked her in the stomach. Later in the week, he threatened her to the point where she feared for her life. They now are trying to work things out. Of course, Dustin has apologized and promises it will never happen again. In his defense, I will say that a few years ago, Dustin was involved in breaking up a fight, and it accidentally led to a man's death by the vehicle Dustin was driving. He was in jail for two months but ultimately was found not guilty. The whole ordeal has had lasting effects, causing Dustin to have nightmares and anger issues. I know this is no excuse for physically abusing my daughter, but I also realize he needs help. Is it possible, through counseling and determination, for a guy never to do it again? I just want to help my daughter and ensure her safety. Loving MomDear Loving Mom, Dustin has more than "anger issues." Yes, some men who abuse can learn to stop, but it takes a great deal of effort, time and willingness. Until Dustin reaches that point, he and your daughter should not be sharing living quarters. Tell Sara to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org) at (800) 799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) and ask for help. Dear Annie, I am a 63-year-old man and a lifelong motorcyclist. My brother-in-law, "Ted," with whom I've always gotten along, asked if I would bequeath to him an antique motorcycle-sidecar combination, even though he knew I wanted to sell it to raise money to redo my garage. Ted never offered to buy this motorcycle rig and evidently expected me to leave it to him in my will. I told Ted he could inherit the rig if I still owned it when I died, and I don't plan to die anytime soon. Anyway, I found a buyer for the motorcycle and sold it. Now the entire family is treating me as if I were guilty of betrayal. I think it is unfair that I was expected to leave my motorcycle stored until my death just so someone else could inherit the thing. Am I wrong? How can I repair the rift? Rider DownDear Rider Down, You are not wrong. Ted apparently didn't quite get that you were still planning to sell the motorcycle -- and you were certainly entitled to do so. If he wanted it, he should have offered to pay for it. Since you want to mend fences, however, it wouldn't hurt to apologize for unintentionally creating ill- will. ANNIE'S MAILBOX KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR