]]>Untitledhttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14611/untitled
Fri, 16 Nov 2018 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14611/untitledI made it through the time leading up to and the week marking the 3rd anniversary of my Beloved leaving this place. One thinks "time heals all wounds," but not always. I was deeply fortunate that we found each other in this world. He and I both knew the depth of this blessing, no matter the challenges physical and brain body might inflict upon us. So, this week, this day, this moment, I again feel I am rising "up from a broke-open heart." This is my life now. Though some moments some days some weeks feel impossibly painful, to have loved and to continue to love this man, Mike, has always been and is worth every moment.

While going through the slow descent into the week of his death, I finished the prayer flag "Strength and Resilience." There were many instances when I felt utterly scoured out empty of any sense of what these words mean. It can be agonizing to make these flags at times because, invariably that is what happens. I am cleansed of former perceptions of the prayers/words/titles. Yet, while feeling raw inside and out, I continue to show up at the table and at the sewing machine. Sometimes in tears. Sometimes completely unable to utter a word. It is then that the title becomes a mantra and a true prayer. When I have nothing else to give. And it is through this emptying that the deeper and truer meaning of the prayer can flow into me, carrying in its wake, gratitude.

During the week of the anniversary, I began in earnest the prayer flag "Presence." So how could I but stay as present as possible even in the throws of despair? This is what I did, to the best of my ability. And this weekend, as I begin my accent up from my broke-open heart, I shall begin to "paint with threads."Strength and Resilience

]]>busy busy busy breathehttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14547/busy+busy+busy+breathe
Fri, 02 Nov 2018 00:00:00 -0700https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14547/busy+busy+busy+breatheSince my last post, I've driven to Minnesota and back to Oregon, driven to Iowa and then flown back to Oregon, finished the commissioned prayer flag, "Compassion," re-pieced then finished the prayer flag, "Strength and Resilience," participated in my first Open Studios Tour, gotten another commission for a prayer flag (working on that one), and have in the midst of it all got a nasty spider bite that eroded a sizeable circle of skin on my forearm before remembering the properties of honey and applied a honey patch. I'm going to stop that run-on sentence right there. You get the idea. Busy.

Busy is good; and busy is challenging. We all know this one too. In terms of my work though, it is also a challenge because busy-ness makes the monkey-brain in my head begin to think racing around and jumping on the furniture of my thoughts is a requirement. in reality, it is especially important in times of busy-ness that I need to have a practice in place of quieting myself, bodily and mindfully. November marks many things, it is my birth month, it holds the anniversary of my Love's choice to leave earth, and it was the month (one year before my Love died) that I began the disciplined practice of meditation. It is a full and rich time in which my brain and body feels deeply many conflicting emotions.

The current prayer flag I am working on, fittingly, comes with the intention/title, "Presence."

]]>Compassion is all aroundhttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14120/compassion+is+all+around
Sun, 05 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14120/compassion+is+all+around When I moved to Oregon thirty years ago, I'd never heard of a "nurse tree." At first I mistakenly called "nurse logs" by the name. The photo above is a nurse log. (A nurse tree is a larger tree that she ...]]>

When I moved to Oregon thirty years ago, I'd never heard of a "nurse tree." At first I mistakenly called "nurse logs" by the name. The photo above is a nurse log. (A nurse tree is a larger tree that shelters smaller trees from elements)

I was driving to the coast last week and saw a number of nurse logs (I like "nurse stump" myself. I tend to be a bit literal) and realized all those years ago when I first encountered them, I had fallen in love with the depth of compassion they represent. When I myself became pregnant a few years later, I could relate the sacrifices a woman's body makes to nurture a fetus then an infant, then a child to the unconditional compassion these nurses of the forest provide seeds, then sprouts then saplings.

Compassion is all around. On the same trip to the beach, as I contemplated the nurse logs, A man emerged from the brush nearby with a florescent vest and garbage bag. His truck was nice but plain. No name of any ditch-cleaning company. The man appeared to simply be alongside the road, cleaning up garbage. Tending to the beauty of the path taken by hundreds of people daily and thousands on weekends. Stewards of the earth exemplify compassion too.

May that man, may those trees, those logs and stumps, feel the blessings of the beauty they create. And may their sacrifices be returned to them in multiples.

]]>That Blooming Lotushttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14092/that+blooming+lotus
Mon, 23 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/14092/that+blooming+lotusWoke up struggling this morning. Got out my emotional and spiritual toolbox. Did the work. Then showed-up in the studio. As I worked on this new commission, it occured to me, 'compassion' is what I need today. When I wake in a funk, I can so naturally push and shove and whip myself into shape, into feeling better. As if that ever works. A few weeks ago I started trauma therapy. My first session, I had a vision. The vision was compassion. And it reached back over three decades to a moment of utter despair and there drew out the seed of compassion planted by another long ago vision that saved my life. God Universe Spirit Source is good, and knows how to make a lotus bloom. And today G.U.S.S. taught me a bit about that.

Enjoy the progression of the day in the photos below (ready to be pinned and sewn):

]]>humble little work horsehttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/12974/humble+little+work+horse
Thu, 04 Jan 2018 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/12974/humble+little+work+horse I was talking with some friends about the current prayer flag I am working on and about a post on FB. The wording of just what it is that I do came up and so I clarified that I "free-style machine s ...]]>

I was talking with some friends about the current prayer flag I am working on and about a post on FB. The wording of just what it is that I do came up and so I clarified that I "free-style machine stitch" the flags on my sewing machine. There was some question as to whether I used an embroidery machine. Nope. It's a simple little machine. Then one of the women showed us some of her quilts and the question came up asking whether she had quilted them. She answered, "no, I don't have a free-style stitching machine." I let it go.

I feel compelled however to clear this up more publicly because I get these comments and questions alot about what kind of fabulous machine allows me to "paint with thread." Here it is, I use the simple sewing machine shown in the photo above. It only has straight and a few zigzag options for seams and hems. That's all.

Every sewing machine has the option to free-style stitch. All you have to do is lower the feeder feet (so you move the fabric through yourself) and attach a darning foot which allows more flexibility in movement. It cost $200 fifteen years ago. Now you know my secret.

I don't know if I blogged about this before. I don't think so, so here I go.

Over 20 years ago, it became apparent to me that at the end of a year, some word or idea would seem to be recurring. I took it at that time and since to mean that this was to be somehow incorporated into the upcoming year as some sort or other “theme” to my life. I wish I’d kept a clear list of all the themes throughout the years. It may have enlightened me a bit as I look back. But, that didn’t happen. I DO recall the first theme was “Anya.” 1996 was the year of “Anya.”

These themes are not all fun and pretty. 1996 was the year I separated from my first husband, cut off all contact with birth family members (for almost two years) and started a relationship with an abusive man. But it also was the year I learned how to rock climb and began mountaineering training, got over (for the most part) my fear of heights and spiders (I discovered they were both related to loss of control, something rock climbing helped me process), began an apprenticeship in mannequin restoration, and found I could be a single mom

Somewhere in the decades, “Exuberance,” showed up. That was a wild year, I can tell you that. In short, every word/theme has blessings and challenges. Like most all of life. Last year was the year of “Flying.” I’ve never had so many opportunities or resources to travel as last year. So many gifts in that, and many challenges. The year my Beloved left this world, the theme had been “Prosperity.” That word downloaded in my brain one day before he disappeared for three weeks. It was a challenging theme for a challenging year. During that year however, I also was presented with my first gallery show dates. I found a painting and life mentor among other blessings amid heartbreak. I also first learned to love fiercely tenderly that year and with open hands.

So, how does it work for me? Well, here’s the usual scenario: come December, I tend to feel reflective in gratitude about the year. Noting what all played out and where the theme of that year took me. I thank God, the Universe and Everything for the challenges and lessons learned as well as the more easily identifiable blessings. Then I pray with open hands, mind and heart asking for a theme for the coming year. Sometime during the month of December, a word begins showing up and downloading in my brain from time to time. Eventually I notice and sense that this is “the word.”

When “the word,” downloads, generally there are two responses. An initial relief that trust in God, the Universe and Everything really does work, again. And the second is “REALLY?” and “Are YOU SURE? ‘Cause, I can’t see how …” Basically, I wrestle with the gift. In the end, invariably, I am certain God the Universe and Everything must have a good laugh over my seeming need to question the sense in whatever word was chosen. But invariably I come to my senses and acquiesce to the Divine powers that be. Then I wait and mostly begin moving forward, leaning into where this new word takes me.

So, this year’s word, which has actually been knocking at my consciousness’ door for about 6 months and finally it got in, is “Writing.” Ta da! Here we are and here we go…!

]]>Fortitudehttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/fortitude
Fri, 22 Dec 2017 23:58:56 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/fortitude10"x14" framed fiber collage]]>Beautyhttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/beauty
Fri, 22 Dec 2017 23:58:27 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/beautyFramed 10"x14" fiber collage]]>Holidayshttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/12941/holidays
Fri, 22 Dec 2017 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/12941/holidaysI have three beautiful sisters, all younger than me. The youngest happens to be one of the best stained glass painters in the U.S. This, and she also dresses fabulously, mostly from thrift and vintage shops. I recently had the joy of traveling with her (and my mom) to Barcelona and throughout Italy. In that experience, I was challenged to the point of learning some wonderful lessons. The one coming to mind today is from something my sister said, "Every day is an event!" She said this when we were talking about how often she changes clothes in any given day and how impressed I was and am that I too am now unafraid of dressing as fabulously (or outrageously) or plainly as I like, depending all on just one thing: me.

So, "the Holidays" are upon us, and for some, they do infact feel heaped upon our shoulders. Whether memories of past traumas -- or present stressors or emotions or trauma, "The Holidays" can be very challenging. But I think of my own trauma around this time (today is a very important anniversary of a sad sad day that changed everything for my little family) and realize, really, it's like any other day. The fact of "The Holidays," really only changes things if I put different expectations on these days than any other -- other people's expectations, cultural, societal, extended family expectations, Halmark, Irving Berlin's expectations... If I find the quiet place in me that deals with anniversaries of traumas and events all throughout the year (as anyone who's loved one ended their life does), I see that this time, this day is indeed an event equal to them all.

It takes the swollenness out of "The Holidays," for me to think about it this way. Today I just walk through it as I do every day. And if it feels right to put on a snappy outfit and shock our small community, I might do that. Or I may just want to spend the day wrapped in the snuggly coat Mike bought me on our last hiking trip to Central Oregon. Losing him and our life as it was, continues to feel heavy every day, "The Holidays" or not. Everyday is an Event. But I do have a choice about how I will dress myself for the occasion. Metaphorically as well as literally. Just like every other day.

]]>Juex de Vie (Joy of Life)https://www.anyadoll.com/images/juex-de-vie-joy-of-life
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 02:17:41 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/juex-de-vie-joy-of-lifeone of the "Tiny prayer flags," this is 3 1/2"x3 1/2"]]>Patiencehttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/patience-1
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 02:17:28 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/patience-1one of the "Tiny prayer flags," this is 4"x4"]]>Joyhttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/joy-2
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 02:16:50 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/joy-2This was a commission incorporating fabric from the Patron's life. It's size is 22"x 20"]]>Luminous, Sovereign, Presenthttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/luminous-sovereign-present
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 02:15:57 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/luminous-sovereign-presentA commission, the first time I've been given a three word prayer. It is 16"x16"]]>Stone Cairn close-inhttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/stone-cairn-close-in
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 02:07:01 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/stone-cairn-close-inDetail on the "stone" cairn in "Belief: In this Present Moment" quadriptych]]>Echinachea close-uphttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/echinachea-close-up
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 02:06:12 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/echinachea-close-updetailed stitching on one of the flowers from "Faith" in the "Three Graces" Series]]>"A Lifetime" finds a homehttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/12937/+a+lifetime++finds+a+home
Wed, 20 Dec 2017 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/12937/+a+lifetime++finds+a+home I love this photo. It is of the professional art installer putting up the set of seven flags: "A Lifetime." I love it because Love is first, it is centered and it is balanced (level). Below is the ent ...]]>I love this photo. It is of the professional art installer putting up the set of seven flags: "A Lifetime." I love it because Love is first, it is centered and it is balanced (level). Below is the entire set installed. In the near future it will have plexiglass behind and infront of it but they wanted to install before the grand opening of the new entrance to the Unity Center for Behavioral Health in Portland, OR.

]]>Commissions Incorporating Your Fibershttps://www.anyadoll.com/pages/commissions-incorporating-your-fibers
Tue, 19 Dec 2017 21:26:35 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/pages/commissions-incorporating-your-fibers"Joy" incorporated fabric from the patron's family
A joyful shift in my work is in making commissioned prayer flags that include pieces of fabric or fibers that have deep ...]]>The Fabric of Your Life

"Joy" incorporated fabric from the patron's family

A joyful shift in my work is in making commissioned prayer flags that include pieces of fabric or fibers that have deep personal meaning in the patrons' lives.

If you are interested in a "Fibers of your Life" commission, call, text, FB message or email me and I would love to create a prayer flag or set of flags incorporating fiber from your life. I will listen to the story of the fabrics/fibers you have and for any particular words that might be intentions or prayers. What I tell clients is that all of the story is important, it all gets incorporated into the prayer flag, though not always in ways that are easily seen with the eye.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." (Alexander de Saint Exupery)

Holy cow, I need to be blogging more. So much happens. Yikes. Well, never to late to start or restart a good habit, I guess. Blogs are about living in the moment and reporting those moments. So, for this moment, life is revolving around saying "yes" to the universe in terms of my art. I made a request this morning for some legal help with licensing. I am updating and will be uploading more recent prayer flags. And, of course, revisiting the blog.

"The Holidays" of course are looming. So is the third anniversary of my husband's manic episode that took him on a secret bus trip across the country to try to save our daughter and others from a catastrophy he believed was eminent based on, well, blogs, and sites of people who focus on fear and distrust. He got swept up in it. And so, did our life together.

Solstice is a return to the light but for our family in 2014, it was the last day we were together as a family. Lots of people have heavy stories about "The Holidays," there's a snippet of mine.

So, I work to focus on the positive, the present moment, the light... Currently, when I am not working on the website, I am working on a commissioned prayer flag. I just finished a commission that took me into dark corners of my being as it challenged me to live the intention "Luminous, Sovereign, Present," during the anniversary month of my husband's last days and death from this place two years ago. It was a powerful experience that resulted in much reflection, reverence, and growing pains. ALL very much GIFT. I will upload an image of that one before the day is out.

How often I forget to be grateful for challenges because they mean I am growing. It was so good to be reminded. So often it feels like challenges just keep following one another into this life without respite. Somewhere in my psyche I still seem to think this isn’t how life is supposed to be. Something in me still thinks life flatlining means all is well and I can relax. In reality, flatlining means death. Death of the artist just as sure as it means death of the body.

Apparently, sometimes I also still pretend making art will someday really be all joy joy joy!. I am learning though that Joy is rather a bit more complex. Joy resides in the deep place in one’s middle where our deepest and most honest feelings originate.I think that may be part of why it is so hard to access. It can sometimes be found alongside heartbreak, disappointment, frustration, fear. Not that we feel joyful in those moments of heartbreak or fear, but I do think those more challenging deep feelings block our access to joy. It sometimes is hiding beneath them. Some of my favorite authors are able to make use of this in powerful stories that take one to the depths of despair in one sentence and in the next have one laughing until tears form, or vice versa, take one to the height of hilarity and in the next line plummet one into utter disbelieving shock at what the human experience can bring. This to me is a super-power some writers possess. Through it they let us know the vast expanse of experiences we can hold in an instant. Through it they show us how gloriously strong and brave we are to live this life.

I am learning that joy, and perhaps bliss (which is closely related), coming from the middle, the center of the self is far more beautiful and perhaps truer when it flows from the midst of life as well. Joy is not the sunny vacation at the Riviera (though I’d not turn that down!) so much as it is the rippling laughter upon noticing one has put on mismatched socks or found just the right answer to a child’s earnest question. Joy is not ease of creation. Joy IS creation, grueling, challenging, fun, inspired, messy, lovely, silly, sorrowful LIFE. In a sense, one gives birth to joy. Some labors are short, some take more energy. All bring something into being which before was hidden. Joy is like this. It shows us something of life we cannot see. It allows us to express that which cannot be seen.

So, Yay, today I was challenged. Today I didn’t flatline. Today was a day well lived and Joy was indeed created.

]]>A day at the beachhttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11839/a+day+at+the+beach
Mon, 22 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11839/a+day+at+the+beach

I walked along the beach today with my little dog. It was a gorgeous, if unusual, 88 degrees at the Oregon Coast today. Even the water was warm. Treasures from the sea lined the water’s edge. The beauty reached deep into me to a place where all feelings originate in the magma of my being. When some emotion or experience slices through the layers of my daily living to touch that place in me, generally there is a sense that all emotions are One, or at least are so connected as to be instantly drawn to the surface one by the other. So my marveling gratitude and joy felt walking along the beach cut a path to where loneliness and sorrow also reside and I found myself remembering how rich my life was with my husband by my side and my child running along the beach and out two dogs playfully exploring. And now we are two.

Experiences like this are dangerous, or at least used to be. They could plummet me instantaneously into despairing thoughts that darkened my path back to the surface of day to day living. It has taken many years and much trial and error, and hard work to come to a place of feeling that experience of joy unlocking the path to all emotions including painful ones without free-falling. Today, the beauty of the day pierced my heart then sliced down to the marrow of my being and I felt the fall, I felt despair and longing and aching regret as I looked again at my little dog ahead of me, walking purposefully, as if he thought, if he just walked far enough he’d find the rest of the pack. Then I began simply saying “thank you.” And I spoke to God the Universe and Everything about how grateful I was for those moments, those days on the beach with the love of my life, our child and those two amazing dogs, one of whom still very much needed someone to play with him in the surf.

This to me is joy. Joy is all of it. The beauty reminding us of the pain reminding us of the moment reminding us of the gratitude reminding us of the love. One can start anywhere in that lineup. It’s the strand of pearls. Circular. Separate and unique treasures of the human experience; but one necklace.

Image of the new prayer flag, Joy, coming soon…

]]>patiencehttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11836/patience
Sun, 21 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11836/patienceSomeone recently asked me, “so, do you follow some kinde of plan, like, sort of a paint-by-number, when you lay out the pieces and then sew?” It’s a good question. Do you follow some kind of plan? My answer, whether satisfactory or not, was, "I’m not at all certain," pause, then, "but, no. not really." Piecing and sewing the prayer flags is an intensely intuitive process, i went on to explain. I pointed to the flag I was showing her at the time. “this part here, this piece of fabric was part of my patron’s father’s shirt. I’d found a place for his bluejeans but hadn’t seen anywhere the plaid could fit in until the entire flag was finished being pieced. Then it occurred to me the shirt fabric would make a nice pattern in the shallow water. So everything in the lower 1/3 of the flag had to be lifted so the piece could be included.” I added that my dry hands always pose a challenge, as does my benign tremor. I have a few different size tweezers in my studio to help.

Inevitably, with every flag, at some point, things aren’t feeling quite right and a major or if I'm lucky, minor, unduing and rebuilding of layers takes place. Sometimes it’s near the beginning of the process, sometimes when I think I'm just about finished with piecing it. Sometimes when stitches have already been laid in.

So I do a lot of undoing and re-doing. It takes a lot of patience. A tailor, when looking at my flags, once said she’d rather make a three-piece suite than make one of my flags. Without missing a beat, I responded, “and I could never make a three-piece suit.” We all have our own particular type of patience and making these flags has taught me much about mine. Making them has given me practice through which I have learned great patience in allowing something to unfold. Most significantly though, I have learned that if I listen well enough, I can catch subtle indications that something doesn’t quite fit and from there, if I take the time to undo and redo or make right what didn’t quite fit, the result always, always, always will be far better than the original “plan.”

]]>Presentlyhttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11832/presently
Sat, 20 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11832/presentlyI continue to work on staying present in my life and in my art. This sometimes makes it challenging to take a moment and write about what all is going on. Living in the moment is one thing. Writing about living in the moment sort of skews time a bit and takes one out of the moment. That said, Life (with a capital "L") continues to be about not slipping into despair or neurosis in the wake of my husbands death. This is below the surface of what I present to the world most of the time. Most of the time, I simply look busy, or relaxed, or greiving, or I don't know, "Ok." At least that's what I hear. Within there are thunderstorms and whipping winds and torrential rains and waves crashing against rocks and washing away sands. And in the center of it all is the tiny house of me. Wondering and waiting. Hatches battened. Keeping up with the leaks as fast as I can. Dancing to maintain every critical evidence of security if not stability.

There you are, here I am.

In the meantime, I do create art. It continues to be the best caulking to seal up the leaks, so to speak. It repairs me as nothing else can. But too, it also breaks me open. In any given moment, I cannot know which it will be. Repair or breaking open. Yet I do it. Why?

Simply put, I can't not. Making art is like breathing. And just because my ribs are bruised and my body feels wracked (and my world rocked) in the wake of my love's suicide, I cannot stop breathing. Infact, breathing is what will keep me alive, though it will hurt for a while and perhaps from time-to-time for the rest of my life.

Hard is a four letter word, I've learned (thank you Roberta) to use the word "Challenging." Art is extremely challenging at times. It turns me inside out. And sometimes what's inside is pretty messy, pretty rough and scary, painful and dark. And turning it to the outside makes me feel very raw.

Right now I am working on a commission. A prayer flag with the theme and intention, "Joy." Ironic? Challenging? Yup. It is taking me twice as long to complete this flag than I'd estimated. It has challenged me to go inside and search the halls and rooms of myself with a flashlight, looking for joy. It's there but it is extremely skitish right now. Like a feral cat, it hides from the any attempt to capture it. I have to act as if I am just going about my life and pay attention to when joy creeps out from some corner and brushes up against me. It has been a complex journey. I've never taken so many stitches out of a flag as I have with this one. I've never gotten nearly finished and wondered if I should start all over again only to see that, no, this one is unexpected; but it is perfectly complexly joyful.

I will post a photo when the patron has seen it. Give me a couple weeks...

]]>The Surrenderhttps://www.anyadoll.com/images/the-surrender
Sat, 18 Feb 2017 18:39:39 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/images/the-surrender20x20" unframed, 25x25" framed]]>Cairn detailshttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11055/cairn+details
Sat, 18 Feb 2017 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11055/cairn+detailsSO happy with how this "cairn" worked out in a recent flag. This is part of a quadriptych for which I now have two flags finished. the largest flag is of Mount Hood with the Zigzag river flowing off it. The flag with the cairn is one depicting the foreground in the quadriptych. Just wanted to share some of the details in colors through stitching and fabrics and fibers.

]]>Abundancehttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11004/abundance
Mon, 13 Feb 2017 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/11004/abundanceThe word "abundance," is tossed about quite a lot lately. (one might say, "tossed about with abundance.") It's a good word. So many applications. So many implications. I have been very busy since my last post, digging deeper into it's meaning in my life. The first anniversary of Mike's death was a check-point that carried many and deep meanings, I am grateful the first year of grieving his departure from our life has concluded. It was an abundant year. And, as I've been tested from time to time, I really do not recall a lot that went on. Grief is it's own reality. It is a reality abundant with pain, of course; but grief is also abundant with it's gifts. The depth to which one feels grief is in itself a gift. I don't know that I've ever experienced anything close to the fulness of the human experience I've felt in the last year.

Has the year informed my art? Abundantly! This is one of grief's gifts to me. The spectrum of emotions, the richness of the physical ache, the emptiness, the full of emptiness feeling, the return of the joyful memories as the trauma melts away, all of these experiences have been with me in every brush-stroke, every fiber placement, every of the millions of stitches this year. There is an unconditional present-ness that comes with grieving, if one allows themselves to BE present. This allowing is challenging, as we all know. But the gift of allowing one's self to grieve is this poignant sense of present-ness that is rich and, in it's own way comforting. I have found it to be so anyway. I've also found it to be extremely supportive in creating art.

I have studied "abundance," for years. It is a companion word for me. But recently it was pointed out to me that though I may carry abundance in my heart, I do not always receive it well, or even at all. Receiving is the new notion for me to work on it seems. I think I've also talked in this blog about "allowing." "Receiving" is quite similar to "allowing," but where "allowing" is an openness to what is seen, "receiving" is vision.

I wish to see better...

]]>Untitledhttps://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/10195/untitled
Thu, 17 Nov 2016 00:00:00 -0800https://www.anyadoll.com/blog/posts/10195/untitledI've been a bit absent from here again. I try to eschew absolutes but I will say, when I am absent from my blog, it ALWAYS means a lot, usually MASSIVE amounts of alot-ness is going on in my life.

November 6th was the first anniversary of the day my husband drew police fire to end his life in this place. In his memory, and as a sign of gratitude, the set of 7 original prayer flags has been hanging in the reception area in the hospital near where he died. After that installation, I chose to do something he and I had talked about doing, I went hiking in southern Utah. I was able to meet a sister and her family who flew in from the midwest, which was completely awesome. After 4 days of awesome, challenging, beautiful, rich experiences during which I held my love close in my heart while traveling the miraculous landscape on foot, I then flew to the upper midwest myself to spend 9 days with the branch of the family who has completely polar opposite political views from the sister I hiked with and myself. I was there over election day. The fact of my timing was lost amid the fog and static of the month leading up to the anniversary of my love's death, so, it was not something I would have chosen to do under "normal" circumstances. However, i love my family and after all the worst thing that could ever happen had happened to me and I survived a year living through it, so I looked at it philosophically as a potential life lesson that simply may have needed to happen. After-all, there are no mistakes, right?

Before arrival at my parents, I had arranged with them, and I am deeply grateful to them for this, a moratorium on any political talk while I was there. Any television would be muted and CC engaged. I don't watch TV, so this was my request and they abided for the most part. Again, very grateful.

So, there you have it. The stage was set for 13 days of new experiences in places physical and philosophical, emotional and metaphorical all of which involved uncharted territory for me. The wealth of messages and lessons of the time will require much sorting. Suffice it to say, I have begun. I will have further posts as I go. Suffice it to say, "surrender," was and is indeed the perfect prayer flag to be working on right now!