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Thursday, 31 December 2015

Hey bitches, I'm back! And so are these guys, more's the pity...Kylie Jenner

So, like, I was an Aunt again this year. Saint is cute but I can't show you a picture cos we haven't figured out where will give us the most cash yet. He puked on my Givenchy though, which was gross. Kim and Kanye had like the hardest time picking his name. I liked 'Wild West', Rob liked 'John' which is like, totally lame, just like him, and mom was holding out for 'High rate Inter West'. But Saint West is obviously totally #blessed. Cos a Saint is like totally better than a King, right? Tyga was majorly pissed. Oh right, 2016. Well I think I'm mostly gonna continue my quest for natural beauty and showing impressionable teens on instagram how just a simple lipliner can completely change the shape of your pout. And jawline. And butt. #miracle

Taylor Swift

I’m a changed woman this
year y’all. Found true love with my bae Calvin, became a feminist (don't criticize the skinny millionaire white chick me, because I'm a woman and if you do that's sexist) and didn't write any songs about anyone in particular. Except Katy Perry. I mean, an unnamed female singer who's a total see you next Tuesday. Bad Blood is absolutely definitely not about how mean she is. I have loads of friends anyway. Right guys? BBQ at my place! Then we can all wear our jammies and bake kittens and stroke cookies! LOL, glitch in the programming there! Totally not manic!

{SquadGoals for 2016 - Eliminate that Adele bitch}

Lemmy

No plans for 2016 beyond the usual. Turns out I died while I was still a member of Hawkwind but the news took a while to filter through. Probably all the Jack Daniels acted as a preservative. Might take a trip with a few mates - Thor, Cilla, Keef and I were planning on taking the bikes for a run down to Brighton, check out the sharks at the Sea Life Centre - then probably another tour...

Howay, pet, it's bin a bit of an up an doon year, what with losin' the X Factor te that hoor Rita Ora, an all those people sayin' me marriage te JohnBernard wisna gan to last on accoont o' the language barrier. He's no gannae teyk all me millions, and ah cannae afford any more tattoo removal like. So 2016 is the year that ah'm finally plannin' te learn English!

Jeremy Clarkson

Some say that I'm a dinosaur who punched my producer during a row about steak, then lost my job at the BBC for being an unrepentant arse. Luckily the CEO of Amazon Prime called me in for a chat and we bonded over our mutual love of tax avoidance and global warming, and the rest, as they say, is history! Of course, I'll be giving up leather jackets and lamb chops for Veganuary 2016...and on that bombshell - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

About Me

Cake, booze, sweets. American TV boxsets. Decaf. Words, words, words. Buying coats and forgetting I need outfits to go underneath. Stationery. Nail varnish. Pop culture dissector, kitchen dancer, charity shopper. Lazy perfectionist. Prone to inappropriate crushes on fictional characters. Long time rocker, reformed raver. I also like French rap and turning the bass in my car up as loud as it will go. Big believer in birthdays. My weapons of choice are sarcasm and the gluegun.