Summer Jobs

Finals are over, your shit is either in storage or in piles in your room, and your parents have stopped pretending they're glad you're at home this summer. The hints to get off your couch and achieve some semblance of adulthood are getting a little too frequent, and mom has stopped believing your excuse that you just need 5 more minutes before looking at the wanted ads. Luckily, I've made a little list of the most common jobs taken during the summer, without listing any actual position openings, but the most important aspects: how they're really seen in conversation.

Camp Counselor

I must confess, I was a camp counselor during the summer in high school. There's just something about morally incestuous relationships, bug juice, and friendship bracelets that makes me get well, all itchy actually. Seriously, tons of bugs.

Common dialogue:

"Like oh my gosh you guys, college is so much fun! We take classes and don't have anyone tell us to go to bed like at home, and sometimes..wowzers you guys caaaan't tell anyone, k? k. Sometimes we sneak into the dining hall and take something WITHOUTPAYINGFOR IT (explosive giggling, snorting, probable diarrhea)"

Waitress/Waiter

Janeane Garofalo said it best in "The Cable Guy" when serving Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick: "Hi, I'm Melinda and I'll be your wench this evening." Sure, it was appropriate to identify herself as a "wench" because they were at Medieval Times, but that's besides the point. Somehow as soon as you take a job where from anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours you deliver someone's food within a restaurant, you automatically deserve to be treated like a hot glass of santorum (don't know what that is? Google image search it).

Common dialogue:

"I'm sorry m'am, I don't know if our lemons for your diet coke are organic. The specials today ar- what? Oh yes, okay I'll give you a second. This is a family establishment, could you please not choke your child at the table?"

Life guard

Why would you pass on the opportunity to get melanoma, yell at kids every few minutes, and look perpetually bored? Look really pissed off all the time beneath those sexy sunglasses, otherwise people will think you're actually there to protect them and care about their well being doing the pool time fun. Being the douchebag who monitors the slide is also a good option; I still haven't completely recovered from getting screamed at for accidentally going down the slide on my stomach when I was 5. I'm still looking, asshole, and I will get my revenge.

Common Dialogue:

"So she was like, hey, and I was like, yo, and like, I don't know man. I guess it's like a relationsh- NO HORSEPLAY, a relationship now or something. I guess I love her. Does it look like I'm burning?"

Babysitter

I'm awesome with kids. Kids absolutely love me. The problem, however, is that I'm not 14 years old looking for some cash to buy new tops at Charlotte Russe. Honestly, has college taught you anything about becoming an adult? Yes you could be a "nanny" or an "au pair," but just babysitting makes you sound like you're still hoping that soon your mosquito bites will blossom into a full pair of melons to seduce the kid's father with.

Common Dialogue:

"Of course I can be there at 7, Mr. Thompson, I didn't have any plans for tonight anyways. Are you going to that new play with Mrs. Thompson? Oh, a night with the boys? .Oh, haha okay. What, wear what? Oh I guess I misheard you, see you at 7!"

Intern at an office

Really all that is required of having an internship is telling everyone you know from school before you leave that you have an internship. You should use similar intonation as you would when describing that state's championship you (supposedly) won in high school, the ridiculously hot TA you (supposedly) fucked rampant on the desk after class, and the 200 ft yacht your parents (supposedly) rent with Jay Z. What's funny is that everyone you tell about your awesome, totally impressive Internship knows that being an intern means "office bitch." All you'll do all summer is run around organizing pens, and wishing you had done something cooler, like be a lifeguard.Common Dialogue: