Top 9 Reasons Not To Watch the OJ Simpson Trial

Yes, its that time again, 13 years later we are back ready to once again have our lives preempted by an endless parade of prosecutorial mistakes, cliches, racism and other fun that we like to call “THE OJ SIMPSON TRIAL.” September 2008, OJ will once again appear in Court to face criminal charges based on his fundamental like of appreciation for societal rules and order. And we, the helpless public, are forced to endure this tail of woe as a former Football Giant faces his accusers, tries on gloves and thanks the jury for a job well done.

I say, NO. We have had enough of this trash. It’s bad enough I have to endure CNN’s Obama Love Fest every day and constant reminders of Michelle Obama’s lack of patriotism, but another OJ Trial? Serenity Now!

In case you are tempted, in case you find yourself being pulled ever so close to the TV to watch “just a couple of minutes” of the trial only to discover hours and 3 bags of Cheetos later that you are still watching, here are the Top 9 Reasons not to Watch this one:

1. I’m Still Mad That The Bronco Chase Interrupted the Rockets Game

There I was at a local establishment, watching my home town basketball team in the NBA Finals and *poof* next thing I know I’m watching OJ Simpson in a white bronco being chased down the freeway in LA. I was one of the thousands of Houstonians that called NBC and demanded that the game be put back on. I’d convict him just for that.

2. You might Miss the New Season of “Dancing With the Stars”

I mean really—would you rather see OJ or someone like OJ attempting to dance on live TV?

3. There Is Always A Chance You Will Have to Endure Kato Kalin Commentary

You know its true–this is exactly what the idiotic network executives will do. They will dig up this guy from whatever rehab facility he is currently residing in and make him the “go to” guy for commentary throughout the trial. I could not take it.

4. You Will Miss The Republican Convention

Need I say more? Of course not.

5. If you are in South Carolina you will miss the “Marlboro, Chesterfield, Darlington County Pee Dee Indian Tribe Pow Wow”

Wow! This event is held on September 6 and you don’t want to miss it. Featuring the Drum Team-“Bird Choppers and Dry Medicine” Not just wow–Pow Wow!

Yes, its that time once again to gather your family, trek on up to beautiful Wisconsin, pick up a pile of cow feces and see how far you can throw it.

As you can see from this photo taken from the website–hygiene is not an issue with these locals–why what’s a little hepatitis among friends?

7. Judge Jackie Glass is No Ito

I mean, really, she called our beloved Hesiman winner “arrogant or ignorant or both.” How dare she? Doesn’t she know that she is supposed to cower to his fame and make rulings that benefit him and hurt the prosecution. Seriously Judge Glass–I don’t think you get it yet. If you aren’t going to help OJ, then why should we watch.

8. North Carolina–You may Miss the Annual “Bald is Beautiful” Convention in Morehead City.

Yes, “Morehead” City is the host town for this annual event. And why not? Morehead means More Head, Less Hair. Ha Ha Ha. That is soooo not funny. But they are right, for those of us (me included) losing those precious strands–we need to attend this event to feel better about ourselves–because after all bald IS beautiful. See:

9. With OJ So Busy With Trial–How Can He Continue His Search For the Real Killers?

This is the real tragedy of this ruse of a trial. With OJ all “tied up” with these silly little charges, how can he possibly continue his quest to discover the “real” killers of Nicole and Ron? Look at the incredible disservice to society that is resulting from this trial–without OJ on the case, there is no one really looking and if no one is looking, the case will remain open and there is no closure. How sad. How awful.

So, let’s band together America! Take a stand. Say “NO” to programing interruptions. Say “NO” to days on end listening to witness after witness get beat up by criminal defense lawyers. Say “NO” to the OJ Trial and maybe, just maybe we will have a pleasant September. Because God knows, if Obama is elected, our November is going to be the pits.

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