He's got to basically rework gravity so that objects with vastly heavier masses orbit objects with smaller masses (this ain't no Pluto-Charon orbit) or rework gravity and quantum mechanics so that somehow an object with such a huge volume has so little mass.

That's a really naïve classification metric and it demonstrates a profound misunderstanding of what philosophy is.

I mean, for example, Bertrand Russell was of the opinion that philosophy's primary purpose was to tackle questions science was not yet equipped/could never be equipped to address. So he would probably have contended that philosophy was more like attempting to find a black cat in a dark room because nobody's even dreamed of the notion of a flashlight. Massimo Pigliucci, who's a prominent contemporary philosopher of science, would probably argue that philosophy exists so that you can talk about that cat you're trying to find, or why you think this flashlight thing people are working on ought to be able to clarify the matter. Still others would contend that the philosopher is concerned about what might be outside the room, because it's just one room.

The metaphysics is just a mess - it's going for a really lazy neo-positivist position that amounts to a kind of diehard Humean take, but ignores the fact that there's quite a bit of active metaphysical debate that attempts to discuss mathematics and scientific theory. Not to mention, if you really want to get terminologically dicey, "the cat is not there" is a metaphysical assertion even when you've turned the lights on.

And to defend the odd man out: theology would be concerned with discussing the properties of a cat were one to be in the room, differentiated from religious studies by the presumption that the cat is both in the room, and is black, because there really isn't any other way to interpret the relevant passages of the Codex Felinicus. But some of them will still probably contend that the blackness of the cat is irrelevant and that the writers were attempting to describe all mammals but could really only get at "cat."