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16 Nov 2015

Prank Mailery

Background: One of the biggest lessons I learnt from my first job – anyone who leaves their PC/ laptop unlocked is in for a world of embarrassment because there are few ways to save face when your boss gets your resignation letter out of the blue/ the name of your crush gets outted to the rest of the world. I'm proud to say I have an unbeaten record of being mail pranked only twice in my almost four-year-old career and I'm also proud to say that I write the craziest mails. I carry this tradition to my next job, here is a sample piece of something I sent last week.

I hope this mail finds you in good health and spirit. How are the chickens that you scare on Hebbal road (when you are looking for autos) doing? Are you still forcing them to cross the road every day? I hope they haven’t ended up on someone’s plate. If they have, please know that it is because of you, it is because of the chain of events that you triggered off with your unwarranted actions – I hope it weighs heavily on your conscience. Not as heavy as Priyanka though, your conscience might break under the weight.

I am taking a moment to write this mail to you so that you know how much I hate my job. Are you aware of the havoc that is wreaked on my beautiful hair during the process of getting to work? Yes. I have hidden the pain for so long that I have permanent boil from sitting on it. That also should be on your conscience. But do share the secret of your straight locks with me, I’d appreciate a little help in choosing a good shampoo.

Since we are confessing, I might also add that I love cows. It makes me so happy when Adrian moos. Because it takes me back to a happier time – picture a green, green field with beautiful little button flowers brightening up the day, the sun shines down upon the world in all its glory, and there is huge-ass cut of prime rib on my plate slathered in barbecue sauce. Happy times.

P.S: I’m jealous of your hair.
P.P.S: I don’t like Adrian because he has a better posterior than I.
P.P.S.S: But ^this doesn’t matter because I have better taste than him.
P.P.P.S.S: You should tell Priyanka to stop wearing sneakers with all her clothes, someone forgot to tell that that it is NOT cool.
P.P.P.S.S.S: I have worked real hard in the last year. That should be motive enough for you to give me the next year off, paid vacation.

I would also have liked to talk about the crush I have on chutku but I may come back from smoke break any minute now and I don’t want me to find out how much creativity I have in me when I get shitty files late in the day.

I also know that nothing should be written after post scripts but I still will because I can. So there. Sue me.