Monday, January 21, 2008

#29 Monster Blood III

#29 Monster Blood III

Front Tagline: Evan's growing up way too fast!Back Tagline: It's The Slime That Never Dies!

Official Book Description:Evan can't stand baby-sitting his genius cousin, Kermit. Kermit refuses to play video games. He won't even play Frisbee! All he likes to do is hang out in the basement doing strange experiments and playing mean practical jokes on Evan and his friend Andy.But now Andy's found something that will teach Kermit a lesson once and for all.It's green. It's slimy. And it comes in a can marked... Monster Blood!

Brief Quiz:That Monster Blood III is bad was probably a given based on the quality of the two books that came before it. But unfortunately it's bad in a really boring, predictable way. How predictable? Why, take the Monster Blood III Quiz and see:

01 Monster Blood III begins withA The promise of a refundB A story about an evil bank teller that RL Stine thought up at the last minute while standing in line to cash his royalty checkC Evan dreaming about Monster BloodD Werewolves

02 Andy tricks Evan into thinking she put Monster Blood in his sandwich. Evan reacts byA Turning into a giant, gets drafted by the SonicsB Laughing it off. After all, she's his friend and he's no idiotC Screaming and panicking. After all, he's an idiotD Turning into a werewolf

03 Evan has to babysit his younger cousin Kermit. Kermit conveniently lives next door to what Monster Blood II character?A Mr. MurphyB Cuddles the hamsterC Conan BarberD Robbie Greene, who was a werewolf

04 Kermit performs complex science experiments, even though he's only in grade school. This is plausible becauseA The Atlanta school system is generally considered the barometer by which academic excellence is measuredB Kermit's mom was Rosalind Franklin's lovechildC It isn't plausible, this is a Goosebumps bookD Werewolves have a keen interest in science. Because Kermit's a werewolf you see. Get it, all the D answers involve werewolves

06 Kermit's potionA Succeeds. Kermit is scooped up by Pfizer, forced to wear ladies' lab coat until he hits pubertyB Fails. The dog explodes like that girl in Cloverfield. Oops, ***Spoiler Alert***C Succeeds then fails, as the dog starts running around like... a dogD Turns the dog into a werewolf. These are kind of getting stupid by this point

08 Andy is really nice to Kermit becauseA She's a good person, like Michelle Williams in Land of Plenty, only without an Apple giftcardB She's trying to bilk him out of money via an elaborate Ponzi schemeC She wants him to do her math homeworkD She's a werewolf. Gotcha, you thought I was gonna quit but then, BAM, another werewolf answer

09 Conan hassles Evan because EvanA Is Evan, it's just inevitableB Was looking at Conan's lawnC Both A and BD Is a vampire. See what I did there, the ol' switcheroo!

10 Andy discovers that Kermit gave her the wrong answers to her math homework. Her logical conclusion is that in retaliation, she and Evan should play a trick on him involvingA Shivs in the prison showerB Andy's twin sister whom she only just met at summer campC Monster BloodD Werewolves

11 Kermit gives Andy and Evan a concoction that causes them toA Pop and Lock in time to the beat from Kermit's boomboxB Pee just a littleC Laugh uncontrollablyD Werewolves

12 Kermit sprays Conan with a liquid that causes Conan's shirt toA Become bedazzled with hundreds of exquisite rhinestonesB Turn from a 100% cotton tee to a 50/50 blendC DissolveD Werewolves

13 Conan beats up Evan. Since he refuses to hit girls, Conan retaliates against Andy byA Borrowing her widescreen copy of Mean Girls and returning the fullscreen versionB Spoiling the series finale of Designing WomenC Throwing her high atop a treeD Holy cat, do you realize that was the correct answer

14 Andy sneaks some Monster Blood into one of Kermit's potions while Evan distracts him byA Regaling him with the plot of Aces: Iron Eagle IIIB Getting beat up again, this time by the mailmanC Eating a chocolate barD Performing a traditional Mummenschanz routine

17 The Monster Blood causes Evan toA Achieve self-actualization. Andy gives him a congratulatory plaque for achieving the highest level of Maslow's Hierarchy of NeedsB Consider the lasting impact of the Treaty of Taipei on Taiwan's independenceC GrowD Question whether or not Best New Music holds any weight

18 Evan escapes out of the house and spies Conan terrorizing some neighborhood kids in a surprisingly violent fashion. What is Conan doing to the kids?A Throwing chainsaws at themB Summoning lightning bolts in their directionC Waving a baseball bat and threatening to hit themD Playing them the new Mars Volta album

19 Conan reacts to Evan's huge size byA Making a lewd joke about horsesB Making a wholesome joke about horsesC Mocking EvanD Quipping, "How's the air up there, Kevin Bacon?"

20 Giant-size Evan uses his new-found height toA Swat away satellites like gnatsB Form lakes with his tearsC Play a baseball gameD It's a good thing you know C is the right answer because look at that

22 The firefighters and police think Evan isA Really lameB Too large to be David, too small to be Goliath. They consult Biblical scholars for another, more appropriate scriptural referenceC An alien from another planetD An alien from Mexico, where's his green card

23 Evan runs away and hidesA In Chelsea, opens a hip mattress storeB On a train with an all-woman band, "forced" to dress in dragC Behind some lumberD In plain sight, makes noises like a building

24 Evan thinks of a solution to his predicament by recalling that earlier, Kermit gave Andy a potion thatA Somehow caused Evan to die in a fire, making Andy the lead characterB Turned even her skin a Day-Glo color, thus fulfilling her lifelong dreamC Shrank her mosquito biteD Induced her first period

25 While Kermit gets to work concocting a new shrinking potion for Evan, Andy has her priorities straight: SheA Decides it's now or never to start reading the Brothers KaramazovB Calls the local five and dime to see if they have Prince Albert in a canC Cleans up the mess they made inside the house so Kermit's mom won't be upsetD Stops to consider the plausibility of the events occurring, resulting in the universe folding in on itself

27 Kermit fixes the potion. This time the potionA Turns Evan straightB Shortsheets Evan's bed and stifles its laughter from the top bunkC Causes Evan to grow feathersD Does some other shit to pad the page length

28 Just as the cops pull into the driveway, Evan is given a third potion. This potionA Lacks the tangy zip of Miracle WhipB Makes him snort like a pig, causing the cops to draw their weaponsC Shrinks him back to normal size, thus ending the extended the Sword In the Stone homageD Turns him into a werewolf

BONUS QUESTIONAfter another (!) dream sequence, Evan awakes to discover that to his horrorA The wheels have come off his race car bedB It's still several years until Two Guys, A Girl, And a Pizza Place will be createdC He's still shrinkingD RL Stine actually gets paid for this garbage

PENCILS DOWN

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending:Ch. 9/10Evan agrees, they must use the Monster Blood. Evan disagrees, they must not use the Monster Blood.

Great Prose Alert:Out of the corner of his eye, Evan saw a monarch butterfly fluttering over the low hedges. I wish I were a butterfly, he thought.

Conclusions:There's a reason no one could remember what happened in this one beyond what the Honey I Blew Up The Kid-aping cover promises. Monster Blood III is probably the least-plausible book in the series, and sister, that's saying something.

I can't believe Stine & Co. milked one of the lamest and least threatening inanimate villains of the series (Monster Blood) for three virtually identical books. Well, actually I can believe it, which only makes it sadder that I was so slavishly devoted to Goosebumps for so many years of my youth.

u are a fuckin GENIOUS!!!!!omg im laughin my ass off rite now!!!!!..fuckin hilarious!!!!luvvvvvvvvv ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt n the best part "take mostar blood out on a date to make evan jelous"!!!LMFAOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I actually thought monster bloodIII was pretty good except for the fact that they nearly get killed by it over and over again then have the genius idea to use it to prank people. After nearly killing people over and over you would think they'd be thrown out of town or at least gain some character devolopment and not make idiotic decisions over and over we'll as they say 3strikes your out!

You know, I never realized until now similar monster blood I to III was. they all involve something small growing huge,Evan and Andy thinking monster blood is fun until it nearly kills hundreds of people. These books would have been better if someone else tried to use monster blood instead of Andy and Evan. Like Conan did in monster blood II or even had the townspeople have an intervention.

Monster blood one and two were alright because like the blob it's unstoppable and swallows everything so how do you beat it? After the first book thy focused more on things growing even though that spilled monster blood could still be a threat.(Which I'm hoping is the reason Andy felt she had to clean the house ). And it does have the blob like elements but instead of a massive collaboration it's just one kid trying to stop the inevitable disaster

To all those whining about Evan constantly using monster blood to get back at someone, let me point out that he only used it the one time. And that was because his cousin did something very similar first, slip something weird into a possession of Evan's so something weird would happen to him. His cousin was an annoying creep that needed to learn a lesson. It backfired inevitably but I digress.Also, why does everyone love Andy so much? Andy's the one that suggests that Evan uses monster blood to take revenge and Evan always denies it, wanting absolutely nothing to do with the stuff!As for those who complains that he's a whiner, let me point out that Evan's life SUCKS! With a mad scientist cousin that uses him as a guinea pig, a bully that makes Evan's life hell even though he saved his sorry ass, and a "best friend" that keeps dragging Evan's worst nightmare back into his life, I'd say he has every right to complain.P.S. Troy if you're reading this please realize how incredibly foolish and narrow-minded it is to ignore a comment that you don't agree with, doesn't praise you or you don't think is funny. Everyone has a right to post their opinion and this is my opinion. If you don't agree with it that's fine but this is something I felt I had to get off my chest.