Change to Sunday trading laws would force us into shops against our will, warn Christians

After it was revealed that George Osborne is likely to allow large stores to trade for longer on Sundays during the Olympics, Christians have insisted that the move could lead to the creation of an invisible force field that will lift them out of church and into their local branch of Dixons.

Church leaders are thought likely to oppose the plans on the grounds that any change to the Sunday Trading Act would mysteriously hypnotise churchgoers into impulse buying against God’s will when they should be giving thanks for their shitty existence.

“Allowing people who want to go shopping the opportunity to do so would be yet another attack on our religious freedom to tell people they can’t,” blasted one angry Christian.

“Why can’t the government just leave us to worship in peace without creating new laws that don’t really affect us in any shape, way or form?”

Sunday trading laws

Tory MP Nadine Dorries predicted that Mr Osborne would “face a barrage of criticism” as a result of not forcing people to do anything they don’t want to.

She posted on Twitter, “Arrogant to impose without first asking people who don’t like it and won’t be affected at all.”

“Allowing people to make their own choices when it comes to what time they buy things is a blatant attack on Christianity.”

Some scientists have given the church an unexpected boost after they revealed that there may be something in the teachings of the Bible after all, with one telling us:

“We’ve carried out some studies and we have to admit that George Osborne is the most compelling evidence yet for the existence of Satan.”