What Do I Do Now?

Q: Recent studies maintain that kissing is a better indicator of a couple’s overall happiness than frequent sex. If this conclusion is correct how should we answer Miriam who expresses the following concern?

“We are married five years and have two children. We have no money problems. My husband, Jack, is a very successful attorney. He keeps long hours but still manages to pay attention to our kids. Our sex life is satisfactory. I respond warmly and frequently to his sexual needs, and he doesn’t act rejected should I say “not tonight.” But, something is not right. Should kissing be reserved for sex alone? What about when he comes home or when he leaves for work? What about when we share some good news together. Shouldn’t I get something more than a smile or a peck on my forehead? Is this what happens when passion gets lukewarm, and we take each other for granted? When I express my feelings about his rationing of kissing, his casual response is: “you gotta be kidding” and goes on with whatever it is that he is doing. Am I unreasonable? I still think I am attractive. Is it possible that I am no longer attractive to him? To be frank, I am worried. (There are lots of pretty young girls in his office) What should I do? I teach first graders, but still, manage to be a good mother and housekeeper.”

A: Oxford University researchers surveyed 900 adults about the role of kissing in their relationship. They found that kissing was more highly valued by people (especially women) who rated themselves as being attractive. What does this mean for your question, Miriam? You would like to know that you can still turn a man’s head. But, if Jack seems to have lost interest in kissing you in the kitchen, is it possible that he no longer considers you to be of pin-up quality? If fear is what is going on in your mind, what should you do about it? Indeed, complaining and lecturing and whining will be counterproductive. Isn’t it possible that your concern goes beyond a kiss? If a kiss is a GATEWAY to love and romance. Doesn’t it stand to reason that you want more than what you are receiving at present from your relationship? Listen to how John Gray, author of Men are from Mars; Women are from) explains the dilemma of modern women.

“In previous generations, husbands provided a kind of loving support that fulfilled a woman’s need for survival and security. But, today, a modern Venus woman requires a new expression of love that supports her emotional needs for affection, sharing, romance, intimate communication, and equal respect as well as an increased need for independence and self-expression. For clarity, I call this new kind of personal support love. Most men today think they are giving more than their fathers gave. But, because today a woman’s needs are different, just duplicating his father’s behavior and attitudes for providing loving support is not enough for her.”

Such being the case, here is a suggestion for you Miriam. Describe your feelings and fears to your husband without being accusative. Open your heart without expecting him to change. Find out more about his needs instead of being concerned for yours alone. According to John Gray, expecting more from your husband without giving more of yourself is is a formula for failure. Today’s man is overwhelmed. His needs are screaming too. Find out what they are. Fulfill some of them in small increments, and you’ll be surprised that there will be more than just a bunch of kisses waiting for you.

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