Please Don't Leave Me Because I Need You: An HIV Take on Separation Anxiety

Pacey: "It wasn't supposed to end like that. We're not supposed to end like that. Right?" (Remember Dawson's Creek?)

My last article was about people who find it very difficult to commit to others; no matter how much they care about them, they just can't get over that feeling that they're going to become someone's property and lose their sense of self. Those people rarely open up to the possibilities of a relationship.

However, there's another side to that same coin and that's the fear of being abandoned, neglected; left in the lurch and not being loved. It's called separation anxiety and it's equally painful and equally destructive to healthy relationships.

It's a sad fact of life but somehow those who have a fear of being abandoned come over as "weaker" than those who have a fear of attachment. It's the "needy" thing; there's nothing more unattractive than being seen as desperate. Maybe it's because the "commitment phobe" is the terminator of partnerships and the "separation fearful" will do anything to avoid that happening. The person with separation anxiety feels condemned and the person with commitment issues is the executioner -- who appears the weaker there?

Advertisement

Yet both psychological impediments are equally common and both can wreck relationships very quickly. Psychologists claim the basis for both problems can lie in childhood experiences. In fact separation anxiety is generally far more associated with children's fears of abandonment than with adult relationships. If the child retains memories of parental leaving at key moments, he or she can carry those through to adulthood and have the same fears of loved ones walking away or neglecting them. The experts say that this sort of disorder begins around the age of four (and when do most people say goodbye to their mothers at the school steps?). If it's not resolved by the age of eighteen, separation anxiety can translate into adult relationship problems, based on either insecurity and instability, or dependence on others.

Adults with abandonment fears are always afraid that people will betray them, or ditch them at a moment's notice and that they will be left alone. However, there's much more than that at stake. They're afraid that their partners don't like them enough; don't see them as spontaneous, or sociable, or special. In these cases they'll initially do anything they can to appear the opposite and create a person who the partner can't resist but they almost always seem so desperate in their attempts that they quickly lose their attractiveness to a potential partner. Unfortunately some partners take advantage; make themselves indispensable and then when they're fed up with that game, drop the other like a stone but more often, they run a mile when the first signs become clear.

People with separation anxiety are terrified of being seen as boring, or not having enough to offer, or not being attractive enough. They even avoid therapeutic help because they don't want to be told to pull their socks up, or "man up," even though that sort of advice is unlikely. It can be extremely painful and eats away at their energy to the point where many give up trying. It's safer to be alone than be rejected at a later date, which they're convinced will eventually happen.

Of course, like anything else, there are different degrees of this sort of anxiety but if you feel that you fall into one or more of the following categories, maybe you need to think about how you approach relationships. The likelihood is that you have no idea that what you're feeling is a real problem and can be helped.

You feel tense when you leave the house and people you are close to behind.

You're often worried about losing people, to the point of being over-concerned about their welfare. You can even visualise them in accidents and foresee how you're going to feel if that happens.

You're scared of the unexpected incidents that might lead to separation.

You're too tense to sleep when a certain someone isn't around and that can lead to nightmares and imagined doom scenarios.

You feel physically unwell if someone leaves, even if it is temporary.

You continually put people to the test to see if they still feel the same about you.

You just can't believe people when they reassure you that everything's fine.

You imagine infidelity.

You do your absolute best to do things your partner likes, even if they go against the grain of your own instincts (inevitably leading to problems later, even if it works initially.)

You become certain that however wonderful something is, you'll be dumped in the end.

You feel unworthy of praise and find it difficult to accept with grace. You become self-deprecating so that eventually people stop complimenting you.

You become inordinately jealous if your partner shows any attention to someone else.

Your partner tells you to back off a little, give him or her some space and accuses you of choking the relationship.

Now that's a pretty horrible list to digest and I would suggest that most people can find elements of their own character there, especially if past experiences have confirmed their fears. It's all a question of degree and how much these feelings affect your relationships with others. If you find that such fears are leading to the failure of relationships then maybe you are indeed suffering from separation issues. You find yourself demanding that the partner repeatedly confirms his or her love for you but don't believe the answers you get. This eats away at your self-confidence but seems to be repetitive: the same issues crop up with every new person you're attracted to but eventually, they feel claustrophobic and trapped in the relationship and break it off. Naturally, all your worst fears about yourself are confirmed and the cycle starts again.

The HIV Factor

Love is a mine-strewn maze when you're HIV positive. Not only because of the obvious transmission problems with all their associated fears but because the virus is always lingering in the background. Even if your partner is also HIV+ you're terrified that he or she will eventually leave you and because your emotions are already stretched to breaking point, you fear that will lead to the end of your self-confidence.

It's even worse in a sero-discordant relationship. If you're positive and the other is negative, your fears of a relationship breakdown can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're scared stiff you'll somehow transmit the virus and can't face the guilt that would cause. That in itself can strangle sexual spontaneity to the point where a vital part of a relationship becomes awkward and unworkable and that alone can destroy a relationship at an early stage.

Even if your partner is educated, understanding and sympathetic and your sex life is based on common sense and safety, the lingering fear that it'll all go wrong in the end can lead to paranoia that you're bound to lose them in one way or another. And that's if you're a normal well-balanced personality! If you also have a fear of separation, your partner is going to have to be extra strong in order to overcome the in-built angst because common sense just isn't going to be enough.

Comment by: Maria S.
(Pretoria, South Africa)
Fri., Feb. 21, 2014 at 3:56 am EST
Oh my Dave R, this is painful to read and tells the story of my love life so far. I am heterosexual but I have had HIV for 10 years and it makes me so frightened to have successful relationships. I'm always scared I'm not good enough for them even if they have HIV too. I just don't believe men when they say they care for me because I can't believe that they wil accept an HIV woman for who she is. In the end my fears push them away. My last man friend told me he could love me but only if I stop doubting that I am attractive and my jealousy caused so many arguments. When he left I was almost pleased because I didn't have to worry any more that he would leave me. I'm really going to try to do some of the things you suggest because they seem completely right to me. I don't know why I didn't think of them before. Maybe one day I'll find a good relationship I hope so.

Comment by: Pascal
(Toulouse, France)
Sat., Feb. 15, 2014 at 1:09 pm EST
Thankyou for this story. I was this person for years and I lost two really good boyfriends because of it. I could never give them the freedom they needed because I was scared they would leave me and they did. I think I've learned my lesson now but it's hard work always.

Comment by: Dee
(Dallas)
Fri., Feb. 7, 2014 at 12:46 pm EST
I'm scared stiff my girlfriend will leave me because I just don't feel good enough for her. She's really popular here in Dallas and I know she'll find someone better than me sooner or later. At the same time I know I shouldn't feel so bad about myself but it's a jungle here and I don't think you understand how bad it feels to be always watching out for competition. It's almost worse than being in love. Sometimes I wish it would just happen to get it over with. I just don't know what to do.

Comment by: Cherri
(Boston, Mass)
Thu., Jan. 30, 2014 at 4:44 am EST
Hi Dave
Both articles are relevant to how complex relationships are for HIV positive people today. Thanks for writing them. You've helped me sort out which feelings belong to which disorder, if that's what it is. I agree with Dougie. I have feelings in both camps and that makes it even more confusing but now I know why it's happening and your right it all goes back to my parents and my childhood.

Comment by: Brian
(Chicago, USA)
Mon., Jan. 27, 2014 at 9:31 am EST
"Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one's self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive attention. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself. Love, though it is no prophylactic against depression, is what cushions the mind and protects it from itself... In good spirits, some love themselves and some love others and some love work and some love God: any of these passions can furnish that vital sense of purpose that is the opposite of depression. Love forsakes us from time to time, and we foresake love. In depression, the meaninglessness of every enterprise and every emotion, the meaninglessness of life itself, becomes self-evident. The only feeling left in this loveless state is insignificance." -- Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon.

(Please note: Your name and comment will be public, and may even show up in Internet search results. Be careful when providing personal information! Beforeadding your comment, please read TheBody.com's Comment Policy.)

The Body is a service of Remedy Health Media, LLC, 750 3rd Avenue, 6th Floor, New York, NY 10017. The Body and its logos are trademarks of Remedy Health Media, LLC, and its subsidiaries, which owns the copyright of The Body's homepage, topic pages, page designs and HTML code. General Disclaimer: The Body is designed for educational purposes only and is not engaged in rendering medical advice or professional services. The information provided through The Body should not be used for diagnosing or treating a health problem or a disease. It is not a substitute for professional care. If you have or suspect you may have a health problem, consult your health care provider.