Thursday, November 8, 2012

growing greener...

the last of the calendar year going by...a year of great personal change...living alone for the first time in decades...re-learning some life skills and growing in different ways...learning how to trust myself/others/life again and how to open up...taking it on the chin a few times and still loving myself through it the best i know how...

i conquered the depression and suicidal feelings after many years of having it pop up...it was a big entity to remove from my being but i did it and honor my spirit and the unseen for loving me through it...

i let myself mourn a few things this year....i let myself touch upon those tender wounded places of loss and gave myself time to grieve and cry tears of healing...in those sorrow filled places love now is anchored and when memories of loss come up in my mind love steps in to soothe the sorrow...

i have had beautiful moments of support in nature...many...nature is my temple...where i can most easily and most humbly meet my creator...each tree standing is a hope-filled affirmation of life itself...they are my brothers and sisters who know me intimately...and love me without judgement or punishment...they embrace me and give me peace...

i am grateful for a dragonfly and an owl which came into my life with such timing i can only believe god/the unseen had a hand in it...what lessons they continue to teach me!...both use the eyes to see all sides and far and near with such clarity....they taught me to see clearly and also to be precise in my actions as both navigate the world with great skill....this part i have had to work on...choosing words with more care...making decisions without procrastination but not in a reactionary way as well...i am eveolving out of old patterns and becoming more like the owl and dragonfly...

i have had to really deal with the hurts plagueing my heart this year...the struggle of interacting with folks after years of self imposed isolation has become too much at times...yet i was getting back into my skin this year and was catching the rhythm of my own silly slants of humor and whimsy...i was getting to express myself to others again...to speak out loud when for so many years i was silent...to voice opinions...to be myself...it was a personal revolution really...when you step out of the shadows and stand in the world again it takes a greater level of courage...to be this vulnerable and open...to risk my heart...to let people see me...it has been a challenge...but i have done it and refuse to let myself run back into the shadows...even though sometimes it hurts so much it is all i want to do...i wont...

i had hoped folks would understand the unique struggle of this year...some have been patient and compassionate...some unkind and hurtful...i thank them all...each gave me insight...though the ones who gave their kindness have fed my spirit and gave me hope...the others made me retreat and doubt myself...yet it was in this moment i found the love of the unseen holding me as i cried...and i found the courage in myself to let in love and give out love and forgiveness...i marvel at this person called Colleen...she is a treasure to the spirit within her that is eternal...and to know atlast that both are the same is beautiful...

and in risking and reaching out...in letting folks see me i did get rejected at times which hurt...and i was shocked more than once at the unkindness and harshness of the rejection...there is so little patience i have realized...it seems so little empathy in seeing what another goes through to re-enter the world...folks stay in their comfort zone and protect their hearts...i accept this but i wish i had been worth it to them...and i feel sadness for them in how they react....they must have a core of vulnerability they fiercly and fearfully guard...how sad...for them to cling...to let ego rule them...i know this struggle...but i have spent the year denying ego control...i have spent a year learning to let the unseen guide me and my spirit to lead...what a beautiful thing to give to myself and to the world...

i am worth it...all this self work and love....love from others and from myself...i see myself as flawed but also i am seeing myself in a very good way...

i see my faith and my love as deep and beautiful...i see my tender heart and how i do right more than wrong...i feel my uncomfortableness when i do wrong...it is good to feel so i dont keep doing wrong...i respect myself and am not cheapening myself or devaluing myself...i love that i give people countless chances and honor the being behind the human...and love the human with compassion even as my human messy part gets in the way at times...

i so love the belief i have in creating peace...that peace is always possible...i meet in the middle of a disagreement and talk it out...if this isnt possible then i go all the way to the other side and meet a person in their stuck place of resentment and fear...i meet them there and work on finding peace with them...i am willing to do this for anyone...there is always a path to peace and forgiveness and then to move on doing no harm to either myself or the other person...i have learned this from my mother...she has challenged me all my life...yet i love her and honor her and forgive her...she is worth my love and kindness...all are...each person i meet is worth the compassion and the understanding and the patience...and i turn this on myself as well...i am worth it....i am an equal with everyone and worth love and kindness...

it has taken me this long to completely embrace and put into practice this deep understanding of compassion...in fact it took a jolting experience recently to fully see how deeply i can forgive, love and honor others humanity...and to honor my own...to let myself feel hurt and sorrow and yet love myself through it and not beat myself up...i am learning to finally not beat myself up...i have spent all my life hurting myself because i thought that was all i deserved...now i spend my days expanding self love...and i find it a grace-filled experience...so very tender and i am so happy i am doing this for myself...i really love myself so much and find a great joy in time i spend with myself...i like me...and i like my weird odd quirky good ways...i like so much about me...and the parts i dont like i work on and am patient and compassionate through the process...pretty cool really...

my heart is a soft nest for love...i feel it...it feels good...i am grateful to the teachers in my life...i am grateful for the being i am...i am grateful to the beautiful god who lives within everything...including me...the green places in me are growing...the shadows are present but respected for their purpose...

at the end of this year i have a renewed hope and a deepening faith in myself...we all have great potential and are empowered to heal ourselves and the world...i passionately heal myself to add to the healing of the world...in clinging to my dysfunctions i cause harm to myself and others...i refuse to be the bringer of harm...to anyone including myself...and at the same time i will not be still when others do harm to me...i will speak up and not build resentments but instead seek to understand...

i can not stay stuck...that is a luxury this culture of the west has fostered long enough...in our selfishness to protect our vulnerable core and feed our egos with gluttonous abandon we have created great harm to ourselves, our families and the planet...as good ripples out so does harmful actions...i am willing to push through my own fears to heal the world...we are all worth it...i heal to heal others...i firmly believe this to be a great truth...i hope you see the truth of this too...in continueing harmful habits and dysfunctional patterns we impact others as well as our own well being...i will overcome doing harm...i may fail at times but it is so very vital in creating a healthy world...

and so with winter solstice approaching...one of my most sacred days of the year...i am eager to shed more old useless patterns...and step into the blessed season of winter with a renewed committment to following my bliss...growing the green space within me...and to walk a path of compassion and kindness with a more conscious ease...