Previous posts that may or may not discuss smores and/or zombies:

Previous posts that may or may not discuss smores and/or zombies:

I also like s'mores, but not zombies

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Archive for October 23rd, 2010

Recently I had a conversation with my mom regarding the differences between myself and a girlfriend of mine. I had stated that lately, on my end, the friendship has felt strange in comparison to how it was in the past but I can’t really define why. We’re both at very similar points in our life: married, want kids, successful, home-owners, etc, etc. And yet?

Different.

My mom mentioned to me that from her perspective it seems as if my friend is more settled in her life than I am in mine. At first I took offense to this. I’m settled. I’m more than settled. I’m happy. I have the things I’ve worked hard for: a great husband, a lovely home, a steady income, good friends and family. How is this not settled?

And then I realized she’s right.

I’m NOT settled. Not completely. I’m not anywhere near where I want to be on a universal level. I spent a good amount of the last decade making decisions based on how others might perceive me instead of how I perceive myself. Recently, I’ve stopped doing that. And now I realize how many times I denied myself the opportunity to do the things I wanted to do because someone else might judge me critically for it. To break it down, I cared waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much what other people thought of me. And quite effectively convinced myself that I didn’t.

Today’s a different story. Now I’m doing things I want to do whether everyone else agrees with my decision or not. The flip side is it’s made me realize I don’t have one tenth of an idea about the kind of person I want to be overall. Certainly, I have a better idea than I did when I was making decisions to make others happy, but overall?

Clueless.

And it had this perverse snowball effect as well. Now I wonder how far I can push myself. Just what lengths am I willing to go to for universal self-acceptance? What fears am I willing to face? What doors that I’ve always thought were barricaded from me am I ready to break down and bust through? Which truths have I yet to uncover about myself?

My ambitions are astronomically high, my dreams infinite. My curiosity is limitless. And due to a severe lack of impatience I want answers to these questions now, now, NOW. I suppose this has exhibited itself outwardly as general unrest when it comes to me. Perhaps this is why my friend is settled and I’m not. Maybe she’s already answered these questions about herself. Or maybe she doesn’t want to. Either way, I haven’t and I want to.

So, basically, this all boils down to the fact that, for the first time in my life, I’ve decided to dress up for Halloween at work. In the past, I would have shied away from just such a thing because what will people think? But since I’m on the path of self-discovery and my appetite is just shy of voracious, this is exactly the type of thing I now want to do. And maybe it’s not that crazy and outrageous but it’s something that I wouldn’t have done in the past so this is definitely a precipice for me (a small one) but I’m willing to bet at least two cents it uncovers something I didn’t previously know about myself. Or, at the very least, uncovers more of my path to self-acceptance.

Kick-ass rock star swagger, here I come.

P.S. Perhaps there are consequences to a kick-ass rock star swagger. During a discussion at lunch today, my mom was quick to point out that I clearly want to meet 30STM so I can run off and have little Martian babies with them. And she really doesn’t want little Martian grandbabies, thanksverymuch.

P.P.S. For the record? I’m one-hundred fifty percent on the side of yes for mini-Martians. A mini Jared Leto? How freaking cute would that be? But we’re strictly BFF’s and I’m a thousand percent on the side of yes to little Earth babies with Mbrothafromanothamotha, thanksverymuch. Mini Mbrothafromanothamotha’s? Now tell me that doesn’t make you smile.