Episode 31: “Treachery, Faith, and the Great Machine”

Written by “Krenim”

Published April 19, 2001

The events of this episode take place approximately at the same time as the events in “The Charge of the Fire Brigade.”

All was quiet in the depths of space, until a huge flash of red light appeared. As it faded, one could see an object hurdling uncontrollably end over end. Closer inspection of this object revealed it to be none other than... the Excelsior!

The evil crew of the evil ship were trying desperately to stabilize their trajectory. Evil Braxton was turning an unpleasant shade of green. “I’m getting nauseous here, people! Stop the flipping!”

Dukat and Valtane worked furiously to stop the ship, but they weren’t taking the motion of the ship very well either. Finally, they managed to get the Excelsior under control.

The map on the main screen changed. “This is a scan I just took. Astronomical phenomena are identical, but technological phenomena are completely different. I’m not detecting any conventional drive systems or any conventional communication systems. Border markers are completely out of whack, and their energy signatures are completely unknown.”

“So... Did we destroy the Federation or not?”

“I have no idea if we did or not, sir. You see, the quantum signature of this universe is different than our universe. We’re not in our universe anymore!”

“Let me get this straight... The explosion knocked us into another universe?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So we have no idea whether or not we actually destroyed the Federation?”

“Exactly, sir.”

“Do you have any idea how we can get back to our universe?”

“Not a clue, sir.”

“Aw... I wanted to gloat over the flaming wreckage of the galaxy! Whose brilliant idea was it to link all those temporal superweapons together, anyway?”

“I think it was you, sir.”

“Oh... Well, never mind, then.”

Rand interrupted. “Sir, we’re being hailed.”

“Onscreen!”

“That’s not what I meant, sir. Small fragments of metal are slamming into the ship!”

“Well, that’s just great... The one time that windshield joke would have actually made sense has just been wasted!”

Valtane scanned the fragments. “Sir, it appears to be some sort of debris. Perhaps we should beam some aboard to see if they can clue us in to where we are.”

“Oh, very well... Beam some down to Cargo Bay 1. Everyone get down there!”

A few minutes later, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior arrived in the evil Cargo Bay 1. Pieces of metal ranging from tiny to huge were scattered about. The crew spread out and began examining them. After a few minutes, Rand began screaming. The rest of the crew gathered in front of her. Evil Braxton covered his ears. “Stop the screaming! Stop the screaming!”

“The problem is, Valtane, that we’d have to get in transporter range. Getting that close would set off the defense systems. If our shields hold, we won’t be able to beam through them. If they fail, well, it’s Kentucky Fried Excelsior.”

“If only we had some way to defend against the Great Machine’s weaponry besides energy shielding...”

“Hmm... Hey, you forget that we’re in the Babylon 5 universe! If we can get our hands on some Shadow or Vorlon organic hull armor, we could probably get close enough!”

“Yeah, but where are we going to get some Shadow or Vorlon tech? The only thing we know about the 29th Century Babylon 5 universe is that Earth went kablooie about a century ago.”

Evil Braxton thought for a second. “Well, we could check that map up on the bridge’s main viewscreen for shipyards.”

Valtane smiled. “Excellent idea, sir! I’ll transfer the map down to one of the screens down here!”

“No, Valtane! It’ll be much more exciting if we all run back to the bridge!”

So, the Excelsior crew ran all the way back up to the bridge, and then took a few minutes to catch their breath. Evil Braxton studied the map. “Ah ha! Here’s a shipyard that’s really close! Set a course for it, maximum warp!”

Several hours later, the Excelsior arrived at the shipyards. Rand scanned the installation. “Sir, it looks like this is the place we want! I’m detecting Shadow hull armor being installed on several ships!”

Evil Braxton grinned evilly. “Excellent! Beam us to the installation!”

A few minutes later, the crew appeared on the shipyards. They walked through the door that said “Enter here if you want Shadow armor on your ship.”

Evil Braxton walked up to the guy sitting at the desk inside. “I want my ship outfitted with Shadow armor!”

“Very well, that’ll be one billion credits.”

“One billion credits? Curse the Federation for not using money!”

Valtane interrupted. “Sir, even if the Federation had money, it wouldn’t be good here...”

“Shut up, Valtane! I’m busy ranting!”

Evil Braxton turned back to the guy behind the desk. “How about a trade of technology? My ship is from an alternate dimension where energy shielding, transporters, and warp drive exist. I’ll trade you a copy of our schematics for Shadow armor!”

Valtane interrupted again. “Sir, it’s against the Prime Directive for us to give such technology to anyone else...”

The guy behind the desk thought it over for a minute, then came to a decision. “Okay, I’ll take you up on your offer! Besides, your ship is so tiny compared to the ships of this dimension that it won’t take much material to cover it.”

Dukat whispered to Rand, “I think this guy just insulted the size of our ship.”

The Excelsior crew was about to leave to watch their ship get its hull upgrade when the guy behind the desk stopped them. “Hey, you forgot to get your prize!”

Evil Braxton turned around. “Prize?”

“Yeah, everyone who gets Shadow armor today gets a free prize!”

“Really? What is it?”

“It’s called an Apocalypse Box!”

With that, the guy gave Evil Braxton a small glowing box. “What’s it do?”

“Oh... This and that...”

“Well, anything that has the word ‘apocalypse’ in it must be good for an evil villain like me! I’ll take it!”

About a week later, the upgrade to the Excelsior’s hull was complete, and the ship headed back to Epsilon 3. Evil Braxton put together a plan. “Okay, we’re going to get in transporter range. While our new shielding protects us from the Great Machine’s weaponry, we’re going to beam down and find a way to get back to the Star Trek universe! Anyone have a question?”

Hawk raised his hand. “Should we bring a detachment of security officers with us, sir?”

“Security officers? We have security officers?”

“Of course, sir! The ship has a crew compliment of 750 officers and crew, at least according to the Deep Space Nine Technical Manual. We’re just the senior staff!”

“Then why haven’t we seen any of these other crew members?”

“Because they’re nameless extras that aren’t important to the story.”

“Ah... Well, sure... Bring along some security officers!”

So, the Excelsior began moving towards the planet. As expected, lasers and missiles began impacting on the ship, but the Shadow armor held. Seconds later, the away team materialized down in the Great Machine’s landing bay. Evil Braxton looked around. “Okay, where should we start looking?”

Rand pointed to something in the distance. “How about we ask that guy over there?”

Sure enough, there was some little man over in the distance. Evil Braxton called out to him, and he came over to them. Evil Braxton looked down at the man. “Who are you?”

The little man, clad in what seemed to be a variety of furs, looked up and answered, “Name is Zathras.”

“Zathras?”

“No, Zathras.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve been taking lessons from the Captain Braxton School of Acting...”

“Captain Braxton has School of Acting?”

“No... We need something that can take us back to our universe, so can we look around and steal anything that looks interesting?”

“Zathras not care. However, if want to go home, Zathras would ask Draal. Draal is keeper of Great Machine. Draal could help.”

“Very well, show the way.”

So, Zathras lead the away team to the heart of the Great Machine, where Draal was still hooked up to it after all these centuries. Evil Braxton walked up to the Minbari. “We’ve come to see if you could send us home!”

Draal looked down at Evil Braxton. “Even if it were in my power to send you home, Evil Braxton, I wouldn’t. Unlike you, I can’t give away the technology here.”

Draal rolled his eyes. “Well fine, just ignore the wise old man trapped in the machine...”

“Okay.”

So, the Excelsior crew gathered up as much interesting technology as they could. Evil Braxton then turned to Zathras. “As an evil guy, I can’t bring you along with us unless you actually serve a purpose.”