Monday, September 20, 2010

writing...er typing...is so theraputic

I've been walking around in a funk lately. My head feels stuffy and I can't think straight. My heart starts beating faster than it should and I lose my appetite...whatever was left of it. Go hiking says Fiance, you'll feel so much better. Come with me? No I think you need to go alone, I think you need to have some completely quiet time for you and your thoughts...go into nature and push yourself like you like to do and think. Big fight. And then the realization that he was right. For a long time when I was upset about anything I packed a little day bag and headed out for a new adventure, but I haven't been doing that lately. Life has been getting in the way of me getting AWAY.

So yesterday I went. I packed my bag with the essentials: two iPods, juice, a bag of nacho Bugles, gum, my phone, a camera, and some water for my pup 42. I had spoken to a friend and she recommended a spot that her friend loves and I went. I had to ask 3 people how to get to this rock that I could see in front of me but seemed so far away. Finally the 3rd person knew. I was there. I had made it. Hmmmm...it didn't look like much but 42 and I started what turned into a 3 hour adventure. We hiked up, down, and ALL around looking at the intense beauty that God had tucked away in this little corner of earth. We got hit with a thunder/lightning storm while at our highest peak. 42 peed on himself and I put us under a big rock to wait out the worst of it. Gorgeous!! I felt like I could touch the clouds. Amazing.

After the storm we went another way. 42 encountered his first chipmunk and again...peed himself. I'm sorry to say, my dog is 50 pounds of ninny. Big olscardy cat.

While hiking and really just wondering around I thought a lot. Here are some of the things on my mind, because not only is nature therapeutic but so it writing it all out, in black and white so the words take form and I can SEE what's in my head.

I'll take you back on some personal history real fast so this all makes sense. When the ex and I divorced I ended up needing a restraining order. Specifically an anti harassment order. Our little one went to his parents house while I worked and he would see her there. He is hard to trust, drugs and alcohol consume his life more now than ever and I worried constantly about Madi when I knew they were together. A mother shouldn't have to have that fear.

In the middle of July this year, the ex stole from his grandmother (who lives with his mother) 144 narcotic pain killers. 144. She needs to take 6 of them a day. He took 144. A police report was filed....and nothing has been done. For 2 weeks they sent patrols out to his house and he of course would not answer the door or wasn't home. The case has been sent to the PA.

He has not made an attempt to visit Madi since. Thank goodness. My heart breaks for her, but I can rest a little when she is visiting her grandparents.

In the meantime, I did something I should have done a long time ago. I filed new papers with the court (I have no lawyers and I do all of this myself. It is confusing and scary) and he was served.

When I hear a knock on my door I worry that it's bad news. When I hear a car door. When the dogs bark. The stress is often more than I am strong enough for.

Now I wait.

Also on my mind. Is...drumroll please...school. One class started last week and the other 2 start..TODAY. Yikes. I can get my books today ( I had to wait for financial aid which I am blessed to be receiving) and I start my next two classes online. 13 credits...online. Ouch.

I'll be honest. I hate school. I don't like to learn from books and discussions with people I have never met who honestly don't seem to know what they're talking about anyways. I like to learn from hands on experience. I like to do what I am learning.

Madi is always on my mind. Gosh she is so wonderful. She has another counseling session this week. I am WAY too hard on her. I need to remember that SHE's been through everything I have been and looking at it, my goodness she is excelling!!! She lies occasionally ( I cannot stand even white lies) and I need to remember she is 6. She is learning. She is hurt. She is WONDERFUL. She could be having temper tantrums, wetting the bed, failing school....a million things. But she's not. She's thriving. She's reading at a 3rd grade level. She does well in math. She is super social at school and soccer. She listens really well and she eats her veggies. I do not get mother of the year award though because I have been selfish and I have been too consumed with stress to take note and praise her for being so so so amazing.

I haven't eaten any meat since the first week of September and my body is having tiny little funny withdrawalsymptoms. For instance I have been dreaming up recipes...sung to me by...wait for it....SINGING SHRIMP SITTING ON TOP OF DANCING COWS!!! I'm not kidding. It's like when I was 5 months pregnant and I started dreaming about Coronas doing the Can-Can with a cane and monocle like Mr Peanut. Weird.

Anyways here is a recipe I dreamed up. Seems like it should work.

You will need:

Penna Pasta

Soft cream cheese cubed

some chopped green onions

a handful of cherry tomatoes halved

some shrimp (I'm ok with eating some seafood every now and then-although I haven't yet..just make sure they aren't singing)

Cook the Penna until just almost done, then in a pan cook up the shrimp in a little butter then melt the CC into it. Add to drained pasta. Also add to pasta everything else. Toss and put in a greased baking dish. I wonder if topping it with some mozzarella would be yummy. Bake at maybe 350 for possibly 20-30 minutes.