Thursday, 24 September 2015

Okay, I admit it.I’m
middle-aged.Such a nice, bland term for
reaching the middle years of your lifespan.

But it’s a lie.Because that would assume that I am going
to live to be over 100...well over 100...

But grant me the illusion.Middle-aged.Middle-income.Middle-expanding….

It’s time I had a talk with the Big Boss.A very short conversation, as it happened.

Me:God Sir, I have a
complaint.I’m over 50 now, and while it’s
really nice not to have to deal with all that baby-making crap, what the hell
is happening to my body? These weren’t the boobs I came in on.What’s that all about?

Voiceover:My child,
I needed to invent gravity to keep you all on earth and not floating up to
heaven before your time.What starts UP
must come down.So I give you this – gravity
isn’t a law in heaven.You get the originals back
when you pass through the pearly gates.

Me:Oh dear.You haven’t been paying very close attention
to my life lately, have you… So here’s the thing.Do I get them back if I go the other way?

Voiceover: My child,
how can you even think of asking such a thing?

Me: It’s all those college science classes.If gravity pulls things DOWN on earth, does
it pull things UP from Hell?Just so I
know my options, you see…

Voiceover:I’m
thinking your options are closing down quickly.

Me:I’m thinking I’m
talking to the wrong Big Guy.

And just because this is an equal opportunity column, I’m
suggesting that all you guys out there might want to go to Hell.Not just because I’ll probably be there.But if gravity indeed pulls UP…

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

My publisher tells me The Artful Goddaughter is a contender
for the Killer Nashville crime book awards. On this list, I
also note my favorite author, Andrea Camilleri (never expected
to be up against him! And a few friends.)

I am critically shy about asking people to vote. But ask I
must, or my publisher will disown me. If you enjoy my work, it
would be wonderful if you could vote for The Artful
Goddaughter. It's pretty easy to do. No joining anything.
Here's the link:

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Talk about fabulous branding! Check out the cover of A Killer Necklace, the second in the Fashionation with Mystery series, and compare to the first book, A Purse to Die For, below.

A KILLER NECKLACE is the second in the classic Agatha Christie style mystery series, featuring female sleuths Gina and Becki. Fashion with Mystery..."fast, fun and fabulous!"
Order details coming soon.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Bad Girl is pleased to host Debra Purdy Kong today, an intrepid gal who has gone places where few women have gone before!

I am in awe of her. She'll tell you in her own words...

by Debra Purdy Kong

I
stood before a high chain-link fence in the automotive courtyard while the
November downpour seeped through my cargo pants. Frantically, I tried to unlock
the gate’s rusty padlock with numb fingers. The instructor was on his way and
the gate needed opening fast, but the key wouldn’t turn. As my young supervisor
pulled up in the security vehicle to see what was taking so long, the
instructor arrived. At this point, only one thought crossed my mind: How the hell did I get into this mess?

The
truth is, I answered an ad in the paper. You see, I was looking for different
type of work and the security field interested me, especially since they were
paying for training. As it happened, I was also writing a novel about a transit
security cop and quickly saw the research potential.

Executing
my brilliant plan wasn’t that easy. After all, I was fifty-three years old and
taking on a fairly physical job. This fact didn't concern the woman who hired
me, though. She assured me that the company welcomed mature female applicants
with life experience. This was only partly true.

Working
in lousy weather with young, male coworkers who didn’t respect a middle-aged
mom proved to be challenging. My supervisor never did get out of the comfy
vehicle to lend a hand with the padlock that I finally managed to open. Over
time, I learned to deal with many awkward situations, but it all provided great
material for my protagonist Evan Dunstan who has to deal with murder in DEAD
MAN FLOATING. I like Evan. He’s the kind of guy who’ll get out of the car to
help the newbies with rusty padlocks.

EXCERPT
FROM DEAD MAN FLOATING:

Propping the kickstand, Evan removed the small flashlight attached to his
belt then stepped nearer the water. Oh shit! It was a hand! A freakin’ hand!
And legs! He moved the flashlight up the body until he spotted the grey fringe
circling a bald head that glowed like a moon. Evan shivered. Was the guy alive?
He wouldn’t have to perform CPR, would he? That first-aid course last year
didn’t go so well after he broke that manikin.

DEBRA’S
BIO:

Author of six mysteries and over fifty short
stories, Debra has won numerous
awards for her work. She conducts workshops, is an administrative assistant at
Simon Fraser University, and also works as a substitute facilitator for the creative writing program with Port Moody Parks &
Recreation. More information about Debra’s books and her blog can be found at www.debrapurdykong.com

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I have it on very good
authority that we will all soon be eaten by

Aliens. You may not believe it, but
they even have pictures. I’ve seen them. In the National Enquirer.

I’ll bet you think this type of reporting is believed only
by people with the intelligence of woodworms. But frankly, the supermarket
tabloids cover a market that daily city papers are frightfully lax about
reporting. After all, it is in one’s interest to keep up with the ongoing sagas
of our neurotic top celebs, if only for the relief in confirming that “Hey - I
am not all that nuts! SHE is nuts.”

Okay, so I can’t come down too hard on the rags. I’ve
actually been published in them. (I’m talking short stories here – things that
were supposed to be fiction.) And
they paid me a hell of a lot more than The Globe & Mail and Toronto Star
ever did.

Besides, tabloids are educational. Mind-boggling scientific
facts also get top billing in these papers. I read recently of a woman called
Eartha Bog who talks to her plants. Lots of people do that, but she also claimed
they talked back.

I’ve thought about this a lot.I mean, really: who needs a bunch of talking
plants nagging you around the house all day? Mine would probably say things
like:

Violet: Ugh! When was the last time you dusted?

Ivy: Putting on a little weight, aren’t you dear?

Which brings me to my all-time favorite tabloid story,
entitled “My Alien Lover left me for a Younger Woman.” The lady in the checkout
line behind me pointed it out.

“Oh My God – even Aliens do it!” she said.

“Yes,” replied the first woman in line, shaking her head.
“But do they do it better?”

Postscript: I talked to my editor once regarding the veracity
of the people who were quoted in his paper. He told me that those alien stories
are not lies. They are fully believed by the people interviewed for the
article, who may just happen to live in a specialized hospital environment. I’m
not kidding. He told me that.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

IWSG Day!

Hi Everyone! Welcome to IWSG Day on the Bad Girl Blog.

Anyone else have to fight to find time to write?

Okay, these are
not the definitive rules for Writer-parents. I would never claim to be an
expert.But I did raise two kids while
writing stand-up on the side and penning a syndicated humour column every two
weeks. (My moniker was Bad Girl. Go figure.)

So I learned a
few things about survival along the way.

Bad Girl’s Tricks
for Writing with Kids:

1.Probably you shouldn’t lock yourself in the
bathroom, so the kids can’t get at you. Equally, you shouldn’t sit in the
playpen with your kid on the outside, screaming and shaking the thing.Okay, at least not more than once a day.

2.Never put a package of Twinkies in front of a
toddler so that you can continue to write. (Remove them all from the plastic
wrappers first so the kid doesn’t choke.)

3.A kid won’t die if they drink half a mug of
cold coffee.But watch the wine. In
fact, you might want to finish the rest of the bottle right now, just to be
safe.

4.Other kid’s birthday parties are a great
thing for a writer. But you really should pick up your own kid when they’re
over. (Eventually. Before winter.)

5.It’s okay to get someone to babysit your kids
while you move into a new house. But it’s not okay to forget to tell everyone
where that house is.

6.When your kid leaves home for university, it
is not recommended to immediately change their room into an office or writing
room. Wait until after Christmas. The sales are better.

Re “Leaving the
nest”: Every mother gets emotional about this. But probably you shouldn’t do it
until your kids are grown up.