Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Finding Hope: How to Turn Disappointments into Strengths

Disappointment is defined as “the feeling of sadness or
displeasure caused by the unfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.” So,
naturally, disappointments leave us feeling sad, regretful, dismayed and
sorrowful. And given the current news today, from the numerous worldwide
natural disasters to the country’s political instability, many people are
experiencing an array of emotions associated with disappointment.

When we are disappointed, we tend to focus on the outcome
that caused our feelings of disappointment. We may feel paralyzed to do
anything to make our circumstances or ourselves feel better, and we focus only
on the feelings of loss surrounding our un-actualized dream or goal.

With this information in mind, one can spot the similarities
between feeling disappointment and mourning. This is because mourning is part
of disappointment.

By going through the mourning process, the hope required to
improve our situation and to help us feel better when facing disappointing situations
and times is found.

When disappointments, as with other losses such as a loved
one dying or a relationship ending, are not properly and fully mourned, we end
up feeling “stuck” — reflecting our emotional mourning process hitting a wall.
And emotional pain that is not expressed in healthy ways or is shut down by
repression, can be transmitted in destructive and unhelpful ways, for example
by having more conflicting relationships than usual, being more easily angered
or frustrated, feeling more depressed, feeling more anxious and/or drinking
more alcohol or consuming other substances to self-medicate.

After fully mourning our disappointments, feelings of hope
represent our newly gained emotional and cognitive growth by seeing new
possibilities, perspectives and options available to us to ponder and act upon.
In this way, feeling disappointed can be seen as an opportunity to grow and
learn. And in my experience of working with individuals in my practice,
digesting and incorporating emotional pain related to disappointment
strengthens people and their relationships.

It’s important to be mindful of not falling into the trap of
generalizing a specific disappointment and thereby creating a downward cycle of
self-sabotaging thoughts such as, “I’m not good enough” or “This always happens to me.”

People struggling with depression and/or anxiety when facing
disappointment may be more likely to generalize a specific disappointment, and
disappointments may trigger a cycle of self-sabotaging thoughts or make their
depression and/or anxiety worse, especially if many disappointments happened
over a short time span.

Remember that allowing yourself to experience the pain of
disappointment and to express your feelings about it will lead to emotional and
cognitive growth and greater degrees of resiliency and grit.

Here are a few strategies to keep in mind to help with
finding the hope in life’s inevitable disappointments:

Acknowledge you are actually disappointed. This may sound
obvious, but for many, simply stating they are disappointed can be painful
since for them disappointment is associated with feelings of failure. It’s
important to keep in mind disappointments are a normal part of life and a part
of being human.

Tune into your feelings. As stated above, feelings of
sadness, regret and loss are associated with disappointment. Acknowledging your
feelings means you’re taking yourself and your circumstances seriously. It also
indicates you’re on your way and open to learning from your disappointing
experience.

Do not minimize or avoid your emotions. It’s normal to want to avoid feeling painful
emotions by means of distraction or self-medicating with alcohol or other
substances. But, ultimately shutting down a mourning process by these means
will not help us in the long run, and our emotional growth and ability to
cultivate the hope needed for change and learning will be stunted.

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself the time to process
feelings of loss triggered by a disappointment. As with any physical trauma or
injury, our injured emotions stemming from disappointment will take time to
heal, time to regroup and transform into hope.

Take the time to figure out what went wrong. Once you’ve
allowed yourself to grieve your feelings of loss brought about by a disappointment,
take the time to figure out what may have gone wrong and work on determining
what part was in your control versus what wasn’t. Examine your expectations and
your goals and apply what you’ve learned to what you can do differently in the
future.

1 comment:

Finding hope is the first step

Dr. Paula Durlofsky is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. She is dedicated to the pursuit of promoting and cultivating hope. In her practice, Dr. Durlofsky encourages people to examine the particular thoughts, feelings and behaviors that hold them back from reaching their full potential in living a life with passion and purpose.

Dr. Durlofsky’s areas of expertise include depression, anxiety, personality disorders, relational issues, grief and bereavement and issues affecting women throughout the life span. She has a special interest in the relationship between social media and psychological well-being and helps people strike a healthy balance between their virtual and real-time lives.

Dr. Durlofsky’s writings have been featured in Teen Vogue, Marie Claire, PsychCentral, Mainline Today, Mainline Health, Exceptional Parenting Magazine, and ABC 10-KXTV. She has a PhD in Psychology, an M.A. in Counseling Psychology and an advanced certificate in Psychoanalytical Psychotherapy. Dr. Durlofsky is also an avid lover of the arts and is active in the arts community. She has a BFA from the University of The Arts.

Aside from her life’s work, she enjoys being a mom of two daughters, spending time with her husband, hanging out with her girlfriends, reading classic novels and running.