In her article, “Master of Love” author Emily Smith states
that of all the couples that get married, only 3 in 10 remain in healthy, happy
marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book “The Science of
Happily Ever After.”

Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the
year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong
relationship that will be full of friendship, joy and love that will carry them
forward to their final days on this earth.

THE STUDY OF MARRIAGE

Social scientists first started studying marriages by
observing them in action in the 1970’s in response to a crisis: married couples
were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces
would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to
cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe
them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship
were.

With a team of researchers, scientists hooked the couples up
to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, how they
met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they
had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates
and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples
home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still
together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples
into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still
happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were
chronically unhappy in their marriages.

But what does physiology have to do with anything? The
problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in
fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting
next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed
tiger.

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman
explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning their social
environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are
building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters
are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

THE CLEAR SIGNS

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that
tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss
a whopping 50% of positive things their partners are doing and can even create
negativity when it’s not there!

People who give their partner the cold shoulder —
deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the
relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if
they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with
contempt and criticize them do nothing but further the damage.

Kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most
important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a relationship. Kindness
makes each partner feel cared for, understood and validated—feel loved.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during
a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt
and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable
damage on a relationship.

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,”
Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the
anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt
and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

When people think about practicing kindness, they often
think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or
giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples
of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a
relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day
basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared
joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples studied, was their
inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the
relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement,
the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or
shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.”

As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with
children, career, friends, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the
time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their
relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear
them apart.

In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically
within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but
live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and
generosity guides them forward.