You could play a great scary joke on passersby if you could get that mannequin to thrust out an arm. Imagine the horror of a grade schooler as pop star Skeletor grabs them by the neck and a voice box recites ‘I need the blood of children to keep me young’. Fucking eh. I never found haunted houses scary as a kid, but waxen freaky Madonna would’ve made me shit my shorts.

When Madonna first went to Malawi, The Material Girl agreed to build six schools in exchange for buying one Malawi baby for her display cabinet back home. But then Madonna wanted a second Malawian baby, because you really need a set or else people think you’re not a real collector. So the Malawis asked for twelve schools. But shrewd Madonna bargained then down to ten schools for two babies. And now she’s in Malawi showing off her end of the bargain. Ten brand new schools for impoverished Malawi children to be fed, educated, and ultimately shackled and placed in the lower hulls of Madonna’s clipper ships bound for the New World.

You have to give it to Madonna this time. Skeletor’s schtick has been wearing thin over recent years, from her “Ode to Impotency” Super Bowl halftime show to screaming at her fans for smoking cigarettes in an open-air venue, but this week she finally did something for the betterment of humanity, in trying to get disgusting old perverts to stop molesting little boys, by dressing up as a Boy Scout.

Wait, sorry. I’m being told that wasn’t her reason at all.

Speaking Saturday night at the GLAAD Media Awards, Madonna started off in a mischievous mood. She joked that she wanted to become a part of the Boy Scouts herself, but was turned down, even though she had the qualifications.

“I can build a fire. I know how to pitch a tent…”

Then she probably did that thing she does where she smiles and looks around, expecting everyone to shout how amazing she is. But she wasn’t done. Her incredible sense of humor was just warming the eye-rolling crowd up.

“I can rescue kittens from trees. Most importantly, I know how to scout for boys,” she said, before adding, “I think they should change their stupid rules.” (Associated Press)

I like how her equation for making an important, relevant social statement is (dick joke + being 54 and talking about sex with 19-year old men) x social cause = nauseating reminder of how much lasting power showing bush in the 1980s can build.

Madonna also paid tribute to the man of the evening, Anderson Cooper, calling him a “Bad ass motherfucker”, to which I assume he replied, “Thanks, you’re why I’m gay.”

During a soundcheck yesterday in Santiago, Chile, in an outdoor arena, and I cannot stress that part enough, Madonna threw a little hissy fit because somewhere was smoking, and her robotic, droning singing voice has to be protected from such toxins.

“Someone’s smoking right now. No smoking. If you’re gonna smoke cigarettes, I’m not doing a show. You don’t care about me, I don’t care about you. I’m not kidding. I can’t sing if you smoke. Entiendes? If you love me then don’t smoke. No smoking! You’re looking right at me while you’re smoking cigarettes. Like I’m a fucking idiot.”

Yes, good for you Madonna. If it wasn’t for Adam Lanzas shenanigans, whoever it was that was smoking would win my Jerk of the Week award.

Remember, a few years ago, when Madonna did some ads for Dolce and Gabbana, and later some pictures from the photo shoot got out, pictures that hadn’t gone through the Avatar-style computer effects program required to make her look sexy? Which meant we could all see the difference, which was this:

I got pretty excited when I heard that Madonna fell during her concert in Dallas, because I was picturing an Owen Hart type fall where she would literally die. And while it was fun to see her flail around like a fish someone dropped on a dock, her fall was more spazzy than fatal.

I still got my hopes up for a second because she’s an old lady and maybe she’d break some important bones but she didn’t. Stupid calcium. I’ll get you for this!