Things worked out ok with the wedding cake dilemma: the bakery that my Future Mother-In-Law researched ended up being everyone’s favorite oddly enough, however, the flavor she was suggesting was actually not a home run with anyone. My fiance fell in love with the chocolate cake, my mom with the amaretto. My mom and I decided to put down a deposit with this bakery because of the high quality, and also, I thought it would please my Future Mother-In-Law. This weekend, however, Future Mother-In-Law insisted on driving 3 hours into town to get a grand tour of the wedding locations, etc. She’s been pressing and pressing this issue for months now. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated her interest, but I honestly question her motives. Instead of involving me in the visit, asking me questions about what I was planning, colors, centerpieces, etc, making it a bonding experience, I got the feeling she was actually there to “check up” on all of the decisions, as if she didn’t trust mine or my family’s judgement or taste. It was really unnerving. But sadly, not at all surprising.

She requested to tour the church, the reception venue, the hotel (and was even given a private tour of all of the hotel rooms so FIL’s could select what room they wanted), AND …. of course…the most important stop of the tour: the Cake place.

When we arrived, she spoke directly to the owner, who was so pleasant, and thanked us again for our business (my mother and I are paying for the wedding cake, mind you…), and Future Mother-In-Law starts exclaiming “It was my idea!! It was my idea!! I found it!! I’m the one who initially contacted you!!” Ugh. **Eyes rolling** Yes, you did. Thank you very much for that.

Shortly after this, she takes the owner over to the side, and is clearly speaking to him privately, for a very long time, in a low voice, and in her native language (that I don’t speak and only understand on a very basic level). She is talking to him for a very long time, and I started thinking the worst: that she’s changing the wedding cake that my family and I are paying for, or potentially hi-jacking the Groom’s Cake.

I asked my fiance if he knew what she might have been talking to him about, but he did not know. He said though that his mom had mentioned being very excited about the Groom’s Cake…which stopped me dead in my tracks.

I find out that she is planning on doing the Groom’s cake: designing it, paying for it , etc. Which, frankly, is fine with me, because it takes one less expense and worry off of my plate. HOWEVER, I would have liked to have been consulted first at least! And also, I would prefer it to be called “The dessert at the Rehearsal Dinner” haha, rather than a “Groom’s Cake”, because from my understanding, the Groom’s Cake is a Southern tradition that is a gift from the bride to her groom. Knowing this is the origin of the tradition, I feel weird that his Mom is giving him a Groom’s Cake.

Am I correct in thinking a Groom’s Cake is traditionally a gift from the bride to the groom? Or is there another tradition out there that I’m unaware of?

**NOTE: I totally am fine with her taking over, but again, a little disappointed it was not discussed with me at all. But WHATEVER. **exhausted sigh**

She sounds annoying (especially when she starts speaking in a different language right in front of you) and I would be annoyed.

We have certain expectations for people and they can never really live up to them entirely so I would just focus on all your joy at this time instead of letting her be the buzz kill.

If you’re not comfortable with calling it a “groom’s cake”, you can make up an entirely different name, like you did. I don’t know if other people are contributing or paying for groom’s cake these days, but hey, like you said, one less thing for you to worry about.

@LuckyJuls: 🙂 Thank you for that friendly reminder to focus on my joy and the things that are in my control. I guess it’s just frustrating when you attempt to include everyone’s thoughts and feelings into decisions, even against your better judgement, for them to turn around and not give you the same respect.

You talk to your baker and tell him that you are paying for the cake and if it is not what you want then he can send the bill to FMIl.

My question is why do you let your Future Mother-In-Law talk to vendors and have such an upper hand in everything if she isn’t paying for it.

Fiance wanted his parents to come along to meet the vendors I told him hells no, never and it was a big argument but I knew there wuld ahve been a zillion more if the parents had come along, and they are paying for 1/2.

I think I’ve only casually heard mention that it was supposed to be from the Bride to the Groom. If it’s something that’s special to the groom I don’t think anyone will care who paid for it. It’s just supposed to be something fun and give variety to the dessert options. (That said, you are justified for being annoyed. C’mon, we’re supposed to be team players here!)

On my end though, I almost tried to track down a Batman cake to surprise Fiance with.. that is until we finalized the menu with the caterer and Fiance spontaneously decided we needed a chocolate fountain. 🙂 Talk about variety!

@Atalanta: Well, her talking to the vendors and taking an upper hand was ALL behind my back. She sent a very detailed email to me instructing me to see “this list” of bakeries that she had already researched and fully contacted. She practically booked cake tastings for us, without even telling us. And the email wasn’t a suggestion, it was an order. I told her firmly but politely that I had already done my research, this was my hometown that I grew up in, therefore I had a ton of strong recommendations, and none of the bakeries that she mentioned were on my list. In an effort to be a kind, giving person, however, I told her that if there was time, we would work in a visit to her top choice, which ended up being the bakery we ordered the cake from. I’ve tried very hard to establish firm boundaries, but while still attempting to have some semblance of a relationship with her. She just is incredibly pushy, and does not reciprocate that same respect, which is very difficult. She always throws a hissy fit when it doesn’t go her way, and take credit for things that were not her ideas. It’s so frustrating, but it’s my Fiance’s mom, ya know? I want to keep the peace without being a pushover. But as far as letting her be involved or taking control, I have not permissed her to do any of these things. I haven’t really updated her on any wedding details trhoughout the process, but she hounds my fiance when they’re on the phone for details, and he gives in. If I had my way, I would prefer them to just show up and everything be a surprise. That way, I don’t have to feel downtrodden by her strong opinions and demands.

I do think it is beyond rude when anyone speaks in any other language in front of someone that does not speak it though. No matter what the situation! That was definitely uncalled for, and something I wouldn’t stand for. Maybe you can have a word with your Fiance to somehow politely ask her to only speak English when she is around English speakers?

@peacheslea: I wish I could politely request them to speak English when I or my family are around. But here’s an example of why politely asking does not work:

The other day I went out to eat with my fiance, my FIL’s, and a couple that are friends with FIL’s. The couple was SO respectful that I was there at the table, always spoke in English, and had to remind my FIL’s to please speak in English nearly every time a conversation started. And I had never even MET these people until today, and they were more respectful of me than my FIL’s! A few times, FIL’s paused at the reminder, but just continued talking, without switching over. If they acknowledge it at all, they just say that it’s so much easier speaking in their native language, and they forget. They’ve been living here in the United States for 30 years now. I’m sorry…you need to make a better effort! That’s not an excuse to be rude. It’s so offensive, and they just want to do what they want to do, with no respect to others. Luckily, my fiance is the kindest person I know, and says that his parent’s often embarass him. He says they have taught him how NOT to be. I’m glad he’s been so strong all of his life, and been able to separate their poor behavior from his own. But asking them politely to be respecftul will sadly not get me anywhere. :-((((

Maybe it’s time you don’t “keep the peace.” I “keep the peace” so much that I don’t flip out and yet at the FPIL, but I definitely do not include them, ask for their opinion, or remotly try to be friends, becasue I know especially Future Mother-In-Law is incredibly oppinionated and needs her way, prob much like yours. You are well in your right to say, this is my and Fiance wedding not yours an we want to plan how we want it,

Who is paying for the vendors? If it’s your fam I’d tell yout vendors, I am your customer, not Future Mother-In-Law so if she contacts you talk to her all you want but it has nothing to do with MY order. I’m sure wedding vendors have delt with crazy relatives wanting to take over.

As far as language goes, yeah My Future Father-In-Law ONLY speak in their language as well. I swear that they agreed among themselves that they will not speak a word in English to me (and yes they can speak English) even Fiance doesn’t. I can sit there nudging his leg and after a while he’s like ‘What?’ When his fam wants to ask a question about me they will ask it to FI! I sit there and pretend I didn’t hear anything, I mean I’m right goddam there and there are a bunch of things I can understand! If he doesn’t know they may ask me. Next time I’m gonna flip shit when they do that, for real.

So bring a book, gameboy whatever, ignore ignore ignore. It really ruins my day when we go see them and I can’t wait to move and have an ocean seperating us as we plan to do. One of the major reasons I can’t freakintg wait, to not be near his blasted family.

I know this person, even if I’ve never met her. I’ve got quite a few relatives just like her. She wants to be involved but doesn’t want to pay. She throws a fit that makes everyone uncomfortable so they give in–“being the better person”.

First–the groom’s cake. Yes, it is a gift from the bride, but not always. However, it is usually pretty elaborate and decorated in a theme that matches a hobby of the groom. For instance, a 3-D Yankee Stadium. A simple sheet cake or round cake would not be the done thing–no, no, no. Maybe you want to make suggestions to Future Mother-In-Law what it should look like, jack the price up to several hundred (or thousands) dollars. Of course you want something special for her son. She may change her mind about it…It is usually cut up and boxed for guests to take home, although many serve it as alternative flavor at the wedding. Also, it is often served at the rehearsal dinner instead. The example below is nice, but would be considered a little lame–not elaborate or detailed enough:

Some other advice:

1–Learn her language. Her power is that she can have a conversation you can’t understand. It will take a long time, but make the effort. Your life will be so much easier

2–Speak to all vendors and remind them that their contract is with you/your parents. Any changes need to be personally approved by you in writing, regardless of who has offered to pay. Hopefully this is their policy anyway, but have the conversation. Undoubtedly, they deal with this crap everyday. I could tell you about a caterer who was screwed out of a $1,000 ice sculpture that the Mother-In-Law ordered but wasn’t approved by the FOB who paid for the wedding.

3–I am appalled that the baker treated you like that. He NEVER should have had a private conversation in another language. Honestly, I would have cancelled my order, letting him and Future Mother-In-Law know exactly why. If any other vendors speak her language, let them know that all conversations regarding your wedding will include you and be in English. Even if she is speaking her language, they must respond in English. Needless to say, they should not be having phone conversations with her (see #2)

4–Have a long talk with Fiance about the situation in general. Her behavior is going to affect your whole lives. I understand that it is very difficult to stand up to someone like that, but he must support his wife. Period. Also, this is a party your parents are hosting–this is extremely rude behavior towards them and he should realize that. I had a little bit of a problem with this–DH didn’t even realize he was doing it. Now I remind him. When it came to the wedding, all I had to say was “tell your mother I’ll take a personal check from her”. The subject would never some up again.

5–While it is a little tacky to keep reminding someone that they aren’t paying, this may have to happen. Even better if it comes from your mother. “FMIL, FOB and I are very happy to throw this wedding for our daughter and your son. We have everything under control. I am sure that your guests and you will have a wonderful time at our party” If she really wants to be bitchy, she can add “we don’t need your input on how to spend our money”.

6–Definitely pick your battles, but don’t be afraid to battle. Some people may disagree with me, but sometimes you have to stand up to a bully. This may involve you bursting into tears and threatening to call the whole thing off because you can’t have the wedding YOU want. If you can do it in front of her family/friends even better. Childish? Immature? Kind of fun? Yes. Yes and yes. But the melodrama is what she understands. And she would be mortified that people think she is being mean to this sweet girl and taking over the wedding.

7–I am very traditional and think it is important to respect your husband’s mother. However, she needs to respect you too. I saw my mother put up with this kind of thing for years, although she pulled a #6 when really necessary. Weddings do bring out the worst in people, but nip this kind of behavior in the bud NOW or it will never stop.

You really only asked about the groom’s cake but I’ve dealt with my own family since birth!

@Atalanta: I’m so sorry that you are going through the same thing as I am. At least my FIL’s speak to me directly, and in English. I cannot believe that yours won’t even address you!! They talk to you THROUGH your Fiance?! Ugh. I would FLIP out. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this!

Thank you so much for responding, and showing me that I am not alone in this battle. I really appreciate you taking the time to write back to me, and share your story. I really wish you the best of luck with your wedding, and I’m sure putting distance between you all will be the best solution. Luckily, fiance and I live in NYC, and FIL’s live in South Florida, however, my family lives in FL as well, and that is where we are getting married, hence the convenience for my Future Mother-In-Law to visit venues, stick her nose in business, etc. She asks my fiance for information, and hounds him until he gives in. If it were up to me, she would know NOTHING about the wedding until she shows up on the day. I tried in the very early stages to include her, share in my excitement, discuss selections, etc, and QUICKLY realized how it was going to go, so I immediately stopped correspondence like that of any kind because I knew it wouldn’t be a postivie bonding experience, and would only create a conflict of interest and control.

But anyway, best of luck with your situation!! Here’s to us both surviving FMIL’s!! 🙂

@Georgia Bee: Oh my goodness, thank you for this wonderfully thorough advice!! 🙂 I REALLY appreciate you taking this time to write to me. I agree with everything you said, although knowing myself, I would probably prefer to not break down into hysteria in front of her, because I’d feel like she is winning in a way. I don’t want her to know that she has the power to effect me, you know? I want to stay as stoic and in control as possible, and luckily, I can take wonderful lessons on how to set up boundaries from my Future Sister in Law who also married into the family. She says she has stories that I wouldn’t even believe, and that we need to sit down with a CASE of wine and discuss. LOL. So I cannot wait to hear what she’s been through.

Thank you again so much for your advice. I’m hoping that the dust will settle from this last visit, and that this will be the last uproar from her. However, I’m not counting on it. Talking to the vendors ahead of time is excellent advice. I’m going to call the cake place right now!! 🙂

Poor you. For me on the other hand it is actually quite easy for me to keep Future Mother-In-Law out of wedding stuff since I told Fiance I deal with my dad and you deal with your rents. But who does all the planning and communicating with vendors? Moi! And Fiance couldn’t really care less so score for me.

If Future Mother-In-Law wanted to talk to vendors I’d just tell her that she cannot since obviously if she cannot even speak English to me than how would she possibly speak to a vendor? (Getting married in Ireland where they don’t speak dutch! yey) So another scrore for me! So keeping them off my back has been easy, of course I’m not looking for a relationship with them becasue if I were I’d have to try to include them more 😛