Institute a housewide one outfit for one week policy, enlist help of family-size bottle of FaBreeze.

Quit your job and eliminate commuting carbon emissions.

Support your local growers, buy your weed only from local, sustainable harvesters.

Traditional house cleaners are expensive and toxic, stop cleaning and embrace domestic dishevelment.

Cancel your expensive and wasteful electronic security system and invest in a 100% recycled material machete, a green gun or a personal Zombie.

Cut your shower time in half, masturbate in bed.

Cancel the gym membership and set your thermostat. Low in winter, shivering=exercise. Turn off the AC in summer, sweating reduces unsightly water weight gain.

Unplug large appliances like washer, dryer, vacuum cleaner when you're not using them, better yet, leave them unplugged all the time. Dishwasher is surprisingly efficient but paper plates are better.

This Halloween, forgo the standard cavity-inducing candy. Eschew giving away granola bars, popcorn balls or even pennies--too expensive. Instead, this Halloween, dish out a heaping spoonful of good advice. Kids will appreciate your gentle nudgings to floss more or eat their locally grown sustainable broccoli much more than they would ever enjoy that KitKat or delicious premium Dove chocolate.