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I spent Saturday night at a pub in the entertainment district, enjoying a few drinks with people I barely knew (birthday parties are fun like that). It’s interesting to see what people choose to drink, and super fun when you realize their personalities reflect their drink entirely.

The world of booze and booze culture is a crazy one, and I’m here to help you navigate through it.

Now, when one makes the transition into that realm of being legal and all your friends being legal, things change. No longer can a male drink pink Vex out of the bottle with no shame, just because “it’s all I could find in my sister’s stash!” We all know your secrets now. If the football beefcake shows up to the party with a case of pink lemonade Vex and doesn’t even try to disguise it with a handy red Solo cup, it’s going to be both hilarious and…well…hilarious.

Your drink choices, at this point, change from whatever you could pilfer from your parent’s liquor cabinet to something that says something about you.

If Mad Men has taught me anything, it is that having a drink unique to you in your group of friends is important. And that structured undergarments look like a such hassle.

Drinks AND underwear? Nonsense.

Let’s start with beer. That’s how everyone starts, the night, isn’t it? Beer is acceptable to drink at an afternoon barbecue with your grandma (unless your grandma is the Queen, then I’d recommend gin.)

There are two sub-categories here, the “Coors Light” guy and the “Steam Whistle” guy. (Steam Whistle is a micro-brewery in Toronto that has a pretty respectable following).
The Coors Light man is a man who favours popped collars and pick up trucks. A simple fellow who doesn’t understand why the ladies don’t respond to him the way they should. (Hint: it’s the beer in your hand)
The Steam Whistle guy who has good taste in beer. This, to a savvy lady, signifies good taste in other very important categories, including clothing, careers, and personal hygiene. Excellent choice.
For women? Same rules apply, except Coors Light girls are a little less frowned upon, and mostly just pitied.

A true winner

*photo from BlogTO. Click the picture! It’s a pretty badass blog.

Wine. Again, classy and acceptable for non-college-buddy situations. Order it at a bar with your buddies, though? Or bring it to a grad party? Alright, kid, alright. (Ironically, these people are always the ones to somehow get trashed and sloppy by the end of the night. Not so classy now, are we?)

I can't be the only one who first read the "1.0 L" as "LOL"

Hard liquors.

Whiskey is okay. Respectable, even.

Vodka is the classic. Pretty standard.

Tequila is always a useful tool if you find yourself stuck with a bunch of quiet awkward kids.

Any of these mixed with something fruity or Coke (Coca-Cola!) is a safe bet.

Last, but not least, coolers are for the faint of heart, the occasional drinkers. And the women. Oh, the women.

The name of the game, at this age, is to consume as much as possible (or as little as possible, if you’re on a student’s budget at a bar) and get silly. This is where the drinking games come from. Nothing is more fun than forcing your friends to get sloppy drunk and condemning them to spending the night with the beautiful, smooth, porcelain-faced toilet.

Some popular drinking games include:

Beer pong: Something involving ping pong balls and more red Solo cups that for some reason has only been brought out at parties after I’ve already drank too much to care. It’s almost like they don’t want me to play or something.

Flip cup: Same as above, but no ping pong balls. Something about trying to flip a cup over and chugging your drink before the other team. (They’re all about chugging your drinks.)

King’s cup: A game that needs playing cards turned face-down on a table. Every time one is flipped over, you do whatever the card corresponds with. The rules change every time you and your friends try and drunkenly remember what rhymes with “three.” “Three…tree? What the fuck was three for? Three me? Is that me or you who drinks? No, me me, not you me!” There’s also a cup in the middle where everyone winds up pouring their drinks upon drawing a King, and some poor sap has to drink it at the end. (Protip: Friends drinking Bailey’s are not allowed in this game. Somehow Baileys + Vex = a solid substance.)

He looks quite uncomfortable.

Then there’s also the classic “watching something and drinking every time a code word is said.” Works well with Harry Potter and, well, “Harry Potter” (watch out for Dobby), Rob Ford and “gravy train,” and Jersey Shore and “smush.” (Ew, I’m sorry, I know)

I think that concludes all of the wisdom I’ve gained in my first year of being legal.

Note: This is satire. Please do not be offending if you actually are a 20 year old classy wine drinker or a macho Vex drinking man.