Thursday, May 15, 2014

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #6

There are certain places and certain environments from which no good
decisions can ever come. Anywhere in Las Vegas after two in the morning is one.
Anywhere in Tijuana or Bangkok after eight in evening is another. But in the
Marvel Universe, Madripoor is the alpha and omega of places where good
decisions and sound judgment go to die. If it were a real place, it would be
the ultimate vacation destination for college students with too much money and
too few limits. That makes it a perfect place for any self-respecting deviant
to set up a base. Not only is it free from annoyances like law and decency, but
it has easy access to hookers and heroin. It might as well be a criminal
Disneyland. And this is where Wolverine has to go to take on Sabretooth in his
killable form. He has spent the first five issues of his solo series working
his way into a new team, ditching the X-men in the process, all so he can get a
shot at tormenting Sabretooth. And in Wolverine #6, he tries to get one step
closer. Even if he fails, at least he's still in a place where he can still get
drunk and bang a hooker.

Wolverine and his team arrive on Madripoor in the only safe way he could
possibly land in a place being run by ninjas and Sabretooth, namely by jumping
out of a plane. Yes, it’s needlessly elaborate and impractical, but it’s still
pretty badass. When Wolverine needs to go somewhere, he doesn’t take the easy
route. That’s for pussies, hippies, and communists. And to his team’s credit,
they follow him. But to be fair, one of them, Pinch, is sleeping with him. It’s
rare to find a beautiful woman that’s willing to jump out of a plane with a
guy. But it’s not like Pinch does it out of love. She basically uses it as a
way of showing off. I guess having a nice ass and wearing skin-tight pants just
isn’t enough for some women. I’m not saying I oppose. I’m just saying it’s not
as romantic as it sounds.

Once they land and Pinch finishes showing off, they find themselves in the
heart of Madripoor. Wolverine assumes that since a squad of ninjas or an army
of Hydra drones weren’t waiting for them, their arrival wasn’t detected. That
was the other reason for jumping out of a plane. Any regular flight or boat
would have raised plenty of red flags and with Sabretooth running the show in
Madripoor, as revealed in an earlier issue, he would have been on them like a
hooker on Warren Buffet. That still doesn’t make it any less badass.

With no ninjas or Hydra in sight just yet, Wolverine puts on a new disguise
and it’s actually a nice homage to his past with Madripoor. Years ago before he
dedicated 90 percent of his energy to hating Cyclops, he ran a bar at Madripoor
under the alias, Patch. He hasn’t taken that persona in a long time, but he’s
willing to bust out the old eye-patch and shitty suite that went out of date in
the 70s. He can’t just track down Sabretooth when he’s vulnerable and without
his healing factor. He needs to be smarter about screwing him over. I’m all for
it, but that suit still looks goofy as fuck.

Now dressed as Patch, Wolverine takes his team to a bar that seems way too
nice to be in a place like Madripoor. But just because their on a mission doesn’t
mean they shouldn’t put themselves in a position to get drunk. While there,
Wolverine runs into an old man who recognizes him as Patch. He may just be
drunk, but in Madripoor it’s probably hard to tell. He tells Wolverine that
there has been some strange activity on Madripoor and for once it doesn’t
involve pirates, rum, hookers, or gambling. Apparently some fancy ET-like
object fell from the sky and some lucky pirate stole it. Sabretooth can’t have
that so he has the Hand and anyone else who watched Goodfellas too many times
looking for it. He’s light on specifics, but he still paints a situation that
provides Wolverine with a new opportunity to piss Wolverine off.

It’s still a little vague, some crazy shit falling from the sky and a random
pirate getting a hand on it. For a series that has been really confusing and
more all over the place than drunk who just had his GPS navigator hacked, it
doesn’t overly complicate the plot. If anything, it just makes the mission more
complex than just finding Sabretooth and trying to rough him up without a
healing factor. That’s all well and good, but it’s still way too fucking vague.

Naturally, it doesn’t take long for this friendly conversation to become
violent. A couple of Hand ninjas just randomly stroll in the bar and attack
Wolverine. A nice, flashy battle breaks out. His team is unable to stop them,
but luck for them they’re not there to kill Wolverine. That would be getting
ahead of themselves before Marvel can exploit the fuck out of the gimmick.
Instead, they just abduct him. They even reveal that they had someone spying on
them disguised as a fat guy in a suit, probably in town to hit up every massage
parlor he can. But that fat guy later reveals that it wasn’t the Hand that
abducted Wolverine. It’s MI-13, basically the Marvel equivalent of James Bond
wannabes. It’s also somewhat random, but it’s a nice twist compared to just
another ninja attack. Those probably happen every Tuesday in Madripoor.

When Wolverine wakes up, he’s tied up in ways he probably only enjoys when
he dreams about Jean Grey and Storm. We then find out that the two Hand ninjas
that abducted him were actually Pete Wisdom and Dane Whitman. They’re not
exactly enemies, but they’re not exactly allies either. Allies don’t tie other
allies up, unless they’ve got big tits and a weekend in Amsterdam to kill. They
don’t explain why Wolverine needs to be tied up, but they do explain that they’re
also after the ET object that crashed on Madripoor and they want Wolverine to
help them find it. To do that, they get their Q knock-off, who is actually
called O, to implant a chip in his chest that will enhance his senses to help
him find the object. Because anytime someone has tried to put a chip in
Wolverine, it has just turned out so well, hasn’t it? I’m pretty sure James
Bond would be banging his head against the table if he saw this shit, assuming
he’s not banging a beautiful woman at the moment.

Once the chip is in, Wolverine is ready to start searching. At that moment,
Pinch and his team come to his rescue. But MI-13 manage to put on their Hand
act again and pretend they’ve been discovered. It helps explain why they had to
keep Wolverine tied up. It also explains why only two ninjas were able to abduct
Wolverine when he has made a living slaughtering them by the hundreds.
Wolverine actually planned for this to happen. He planned for his team to come
to his rescue, but not until he had a chance to coordinate with MI-13. I’m not
sure this qualifies as cunning or a dick move, but it does add confusion to a
series that has already had plenty.

I get that Wolverine is not exactly telling the truth to this new team of
his. Even the woman he’s boning, Pinch, suspected he wasn’t being entirely
forward with them in the previous issue. But creating this elaborate ploy to
meet up with MI-13 and get some chip to help him find some vaguely defined
relic only makes the story more convoluted than it needs to be. And for a story
that was convoluted enough to begin with, that’s like putting a blindfold on a
stoner when they’re in the middle of running through a maze. I had hoped that
this story would at least stay coherent now that it seems to have exhausted the
flashbacks. Turns out I was wrong. Guess I owe the guy at my comic book store
twenty bucks and a bottle of vodka.

Armed with this chip and the knowledge that he’s lying his ass off to this
new team and the woman he’s boning, they start tracking down this strange
ET-like object. It takes them down the less friendly parts of Madripoor, which
is a lot like traveling down the less clean parts of an ass crack. They pass by
typical Madripoor businesses, like arms dealers who probably deal crystal meth
on the side. It’s not a friendly place, but it’s the perfect place for some
dangerous object to be hiding. And it doesn’t take long for Wolverine to pick
up the trail of the random pirate who has it. Anyone expecting another twist or
crazy revelation will be disappointed. He’s basically the anti-Johnny Depp. So
in another dick move, Wolverine leaves his team behind to go after him. Not
that I care much for this fucked up new team of his, but that doesn’t excuse
being an ass to them. Then again, this is Wolverine. If he’s not being an ass
on some levels, he’s not in character.

Either way, the team is now an afterthought. This gets much more personal
for Wolverine. He’s now back to his lone-wolf hunter that he should be,
tracking down this Captain Hook wannabe for no other reason than it will lead
him to Sabretooth. This is where some added refinement is given to the chase.
It would’ve been too easy to just show Wolverine on the prowl, looking for some
creepy guy who looks like he probably hides in the women’s bathroom and jerks
off. But this adds another touch, throwing in some monologue and some nice
flashbacks to Killable. Yes, I just used the phrase “nice flashback” in the
context of this series. I’m as shocked as everyone else, but it works here. It
reminds everybody of the personal stake Wolverine has in this. Sure, he’s hates
Sabretooth. But after Killable, he has even more reason to hate him.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the final brawl or even some overdue trash
talk. Wolverine does eventually find Sabretooth, who beats him to the creepy
guy who took the relic. He doesn’t even acknowledge Wolverine’s presence. It
feels too abrupt for an ending, knowing how much incentive Wolverine has to
horribly maim Sabretooth. It makes the needless complications that were used
earlier in the story all the more frustrating. Did he really need to do shit
like this to find Sabretooth? Maybe Wolverine’s plan is just too smart for me
to understand or I’m too stoned to get it. I didn’t expect there to be some
epic Wolverine/Sabretooth clash in this issue, but I would have liked for the
shit that led to that clash be at least somewhat compelling.

In the end, a story that really didn’t need to become more convoluted than
it already was found a way to become more convoluted. However, it’s a matter of
degree. This didn’t go to M. Night Shamalyan levels to mix things up. It merely
added yet another complication to an already complicated plot that has had
Wolverine ditch the X-men, team up with a fat crime lord not named Wilson Fisk,
and start banging some new girl he barely knows. At the very least, this issue
finally put him on a collision course with Sabretooth. Their paths finally
crossed and it couldn’t have happened on a more appropriate place in Madripoor.
Beats the hell out of cock fighting and bum fights. It was also a nice touch
having Wolverine adopt his Patch persona again, something die-hard Wolverine
fans should appreciate. But the shit with the relic and the tracking chip threw
the ship off course a few times. But I’m okay with that. A drunk sailor who
still makes it back to port is still considered mildly competent. I’m not
entirely sure what to make of this issue. It was poorly organized, but it didn’t
suck entirely. It only sucked enough to make me impatient for the next issue.
So I give Wolverine #6 a 5 out of 10. All Wolverine fans need to know is that
Wolverine is pissed off at Sabretooth and has gone to really fucked up lengths
to get back at him. It has taken way too fucking long, but the payoff feels
that much closer. If only Wonder Woman fans clamoring for a movie could be this
patient. Nuff said!

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About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.