Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sitting on Cold Porcelain makes an ideal stocking stuffer for that hard-to-buy-for person on your Christmas list. You know, the practical joker, who has been disrupting your world. It has gotten 5-star reviews at Amazon.com and it is offered at a great price:

Buy one for yourself, as well. It will provide you with hours of entertainment either on the john or the couch.

As some of you know, in order to support my writing habit, I have been working as a lifeguard for the local Country Club. The tips have been low due to our current economic downturn. All of our wealthy customers have been parking their own cars lately and bringing their own booze as well.

One of my lifeguard co-workers is so unnerved by the tip situation, he decided to get even:

Needless to say, his next exciting career opportunity is "Head Bidet" at the Nemacolin Resort and Health Spa.

So, If you are among the folks, who enjoy reading Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog, please help to support my habit and buy a copy of Sitting on Cold Porcelain. I’m trying to get it qualified as a “prop” in a sitcom, so I can quit my day job:

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

For years coaches Wade Phillips and Joe Gibbs were the Tommy and Dickey Smothers of football. They competed for wins and ratings. Gibbs retired, but not until he and two of his sons started Joe Gibbs Motorsports and set all time record wins in NASCAR racing. Then Joe went back to the Red Skins, pulled Phillips' chains again, and retired before Phillips could get even.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

In her recent interview with Diane Sawyer, Pelosi said that she believes Obama is going to win in 2012. I’m not sure how many other people agree with her, but I believe that he has as much chance at winning that election as Monty Paulsen.

Recent polls show that Pelosi only has an 11% approval rating among registered voters. About 47% of the registered voters think she should leave the country - you know, most of us do read the fine print on bills and contracts before we sign them. However, we're not Rush Limbaugh whiney-mouthy about it by sending up the Goodyear blimp either. Rush thinks his listeners need their noses rubbed into it 24x7, like we need to listen to multi-millionaire bullies. He needs an extreme makeover and she is in denial.

I did some research and found out that 70-year-old Nancy is worth about $15 million and has a nice home in Washington, DC and Pacific Heights, CA; as well as a millionaire husband, five grown children, and seven grandchildren. She should quit while she is still ahead, otherwise her rating may drop down to 1%, Obama will lose, and she will realize that she could have been spending her money taking the grandchildren to Disneyland and drinking margaritas with her husband in Aruba or something else exciting and fun. At least with him, her approval rating is greater than 11%.

I don’t see the productivity and sense of accomplishment in either riding or beating a dead donkey.

All the Pelosi’s sent the following video, labeled "Grandma We Love You" to Nancy, hoping that she will change her mind; take them to Disneyland, and write memoirs...then, become a Republican or a conservative Democrat, so she can go talk to Ann Coulter and figure out she has a better approval rating with them and enjoys Disneyland better.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Harry Potter mania has hit India. As a result, people are removing owls from their natural habitat to perform at birthday celebrations and deliver birthday messages to Hola Maholla partiers. The government is trying to figure out how to preserve its owl population in the wild. If you want to visualize the wild in India, it equates to about 5 New York City blocks, so preserving wildlife there is a problem.

Environment Minister, Jairam Ramesh, is warning all the Hedwig followers to grow back their hair and return to Sikhism, to save the owls. He blames all the folks, who come to America on H1B Visas to work on computer systems and wind up succumbing to Western philosophy by shaving, removing their turbans, wearing suits and ties, and eating lunch at Hooters with their co-workers.

“The only hooters they should be worrying about are the endangered barn owls not standing on platform 9 ¾” he said. “They go to America, bring back Harry Potter books, import pumpkin juice, trap owls, and have a negative impact on our culture.”

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

“Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.” Alexander Woollcott

While we in America are voting Republican to send a message to Washington during the mid-term elections, the government in India has a more pressing problem – smuggling.

Over 92 elephants have been smuggled in India. Elephants are religious icons there.

How does one smuggle an elephant?

Don’t ask me. I couldn’t even smuggle a tiny silver medal of St. Christopher past customs at Rome Airport. I am just as amazed as I was when David Copperfield lost one of our icons, the Statue of Liberty in New York, for a half-hour.

Elephants are a status symbol in India, equivalent to an American owning an estate with an in-ground pool and a Lamborghini roaming your property with a driver ready to take you anywhere you choose.

While our department of Homeland Security did not get involved when Copperfield disguised Lady Liberty, the Indian government not only had to get involved with elephant smuggling, but the Chief of Homeland Security in Uttar Pradesh also tried to overcome a language barrier while communicating its predicament with INTERPOL.

INTERPOL, the CIA, and the FBI are still baffled by what he said. Evidently, he has learned a lesson from Janet Napolitano, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with..." well, in this case, elephant dung.

If you see a large brown round object on the street in Times Square, don't walk through it bare footed.

Buy my humor ebook: Sitting on Cold Porcelain

About Me

Twitter: @rosevalenta Humor columnist.
Welcome to Rosie's Renegade Humor Blog. The word "Renegade" describes it all - seriocomic musings about current events, politics, sports, and humorous happenings from around the world. You know, "Skinny Dipping!"
I attend the bi-annual Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop at the University of Dayton, am one of the directors of the Robert Benchley Society, and the previous Membership Chair of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
I wrote for a subsidiary of McGraw-Hill for 12 years, as a technical staff writer and freelanced for other industry publications. I took creative writing courses at Delaware Technical College and attended classes at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Many of my articles are syndicated and have appeared in USA TODAY, Newsday.com, The Courier Post, The Wall Street Journal, and many other publications.

I am available for speaking engagements, please e-mail: ebww2014@comcast.net