Damnit, damnit, damnit! Excuse the profanity but this time of year really grinds my gears. I’m talking about the announcement of the Grammy nominations (cue pretentious hipster references here I can take it). Don’t get your hopes up though I’m not going to ramble on about who got left out. I’ll leave that to all other blogs complaining that Kanye’s oh so precious and perfect album was missing from the list and that is the biggest slap in the face to someone that has completely changed and revolutionized the music industry and for that matter the discourse of human history. Skrillex, you’re next.

Even though it appears the Grammy’s have wronged me through some heinous act, they are only a source of irritance for me. Who gave the Grammy voters credentials to quantitatively determine the artistic merits of one album over another. Is there a secret that the public doesn’t know that tells us why Skrillex is a better “new” artist than Foster the People? Who is Bruno Mars? Why didn’t Insane Clown Posse receive a nomination?

I want answers! The last time the Grammy’s made a relevant decision was back in 2009 when Robert Plant and Allison Kraus won best album of the year. I just don’t like Arcade Fire so I’m not going to call that a “win” for the “indie community.” I don’t want the “indie community” to win a Grammy, that will set the recognition of great music back even further by catering to a trendy demographic. Furthermore the fact that Lady Gaga and Rhianna have the chance to join the likes of Robert Plant in being categorized as groundbreaking music bothers me.

Plus, do we really need to stroke Kanye West’s ego anymore than we already have? I guess if we want to avoid the apocalypse in 2012, then we must.

In 2009 ABC published an article detailing the different tendencies in the conception of human beings (check it out here). Citing a federal study, August and September are the busiest months for child birth. Assuming that most of these births follow the natural 9 month pregnancy cycle, we can draw one conclusion. Now up until the end of January is when people are most likely to get it on and bring junior into the world. I have several different theories why this is. First, during the winter time people can’t stand to be outside for long periods of time so any outdoor activity you partake in is likely to be short. Compared to the summer, we spend much more time inside. Let’s be honest, you can only play Mario Strikers on Wii for so long before you get an urge to get freaky, especially when Wario keeps pulling cheap shots knocking you out of the Striker Cup.

Seeing that people are going to be spending more time inside of a private environment during the winter months, it would only make sense that they don’t have anything better to do than recreate their favorite Leonardo DiCaprio/Kate Winslet scene from Titanic. If you and your mate are in need of a little kick start or something to set the mood, here are 5 songs that should do the trick. DISCLAIMER while I cannot guarantee listening to these tunes will get you some action, it will work much better than offering to play “Master of Puppets” before getting down.

1. Frank Zappa – Dirty Love

Like spreading butter over some warm French Toast this song hits the spot. Interpret what dirty love is however you want but if this song doesn’t make your drawers drop, move on to the next one and they’ll be down to your ankles in no time.

2. Buena Vista Social Club – Chan Chan

Slow down and keep it silky smooth with this track from the Cuban outfit. I have no idea what they’re saying in this song but the slow rhythms and melodies in this song make me think the group knew exactly what it was doing when they wrote this song. The perfect track to set the mood before putting on the next song to get down to business.

3. The Jimi Hendrix Experience – 1983 (A Merman I Should Turn to Be)

Jimi you’ve done it again. Making you want to scream from a mountain top that you are a Golden God, this track keeps building and building until finally climaxing in a glorious arpeggiated outburst of epic melody that is then followed by a slow grooving comedown allowing you to catch your breath after the intensity of the moment passes.

4. Funkadelic – Maggot Brain
No words, no problem. Eddie Hazel’s guitar is straight up sex in itself. In fact I’m surprised this track hasn’t been used in an adult film. At 10 minutes long this is the perfect cut to raise the mercury level in your household’s thermometer.

5. Medeski Martin and Wood – Pappy Check

As Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords Said, “2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven. And 2 minutes with me is all your going to need because it’s so intense.” Coming in a little under 3 minutes this track is perfect for lying in bed with a cigarette post-coitus. This song may rival Zappa’s in terms of how dirty it is, this should be pulled out (no pun intended) as your closer coming in to seal the deal.

5 songs that will kill any mood you’ve set forth after these tracks (NEVER PLAY THESE AFTER PARTAKING!). Any Skrillex song, Foster the People – Pumped Up Kicks, The Clash – I Fought the Law, Lil Wayne – Fireman, any Skrillex song, Enya – Orinoco Flow. Did I mention Skrillex?