Does Playing Hard to Get Make You Fall in Love?

Many people ask me about unrequited love. Everyone wants to know how to get that person who plays hard to get. They all want that lover just out of reach to get romantic, make a commitment, and return their feelings.

Getting that "hard to get" person is sometimes possible. There are many strategies to create love and turn a person around. But, before putting in that effort, you should ask yourself some questions. WHY do you like the person? Why do you want them so badly? Do they have some value, some compatibility, some merit for your life? Or, have you simply been swept away, lusting after something you can't have?

If you don't believe the power of scarcity and playing hard to get, then read on. You might just be surprised to find out where your feelings are REALLY coming from!

The Scarcity Principle

Robert Cialdini, one of the foremost experts on influence, found that people value and desire something more when it is rare or difficult to obtain. He called this the Scarcity Principle (Cialdini, 2009). Across numerous experiments, Cialdini and others have found that making something rare ("only 5 left"), time limited ("one day sale"), or unique ("just for you"), increases its perceived attractiveness and value.

He explains that this Scarcity Principle works on the idea of Reactance. Essentially, it happens because none of us like to be told no, limited in any way, or have our freedom constrained. So, when we think we might miss out, not be chosen, or be denied what we want, we "react". That reactance makes us try all the harder and want what is denied us all the more.

Think of it like "reverse psychology" used on little children. When you tell Timmy he "can't eat his asparagus", he gobbles it up. Apparently, according to the research, grown-ups are no different.

Sure, you might say. Scarcity can work for a one-day sale at the mall or lima beans, but not love. Well, in fact, there is research to say that it does! If you are reading this and relating, it might even be the reason you're so motivated to fight a losing battle yourself...

One study that supports this assertion came recently from Whitchurch, Wilson, and Gilbert (2011). The authors had college women view Facebook profiles of four male students. They were told that the men had previously viewed their Facebook profiles as well. The authors then randomly told the women that the men had one of the following reactions to their profiles: 1) the man liked them a lot, 2) the man liked them an average amount, 3) the man was uncertain of his feelings.

Initially, women reported liking the men who "liked them a lot" a bit more than the ones who only "liked them an average amount". However, the women liked the "uncertain" men the most of all. They rated the uncertain men as the most attractive and even thought the most about them over time. Scarcity at work...

Another study supporting this scarcity effect on desire comes from Johnco, Wheeler, and Taylor (2010). These authors were interested in the bar phenomenon of "all the girls get prettier at closing time". In other words, the phenomenon that men and women both rate members of the opposite sex as more desirable, the closer a bar gets to closing.

Historically, this phenomenon was attributed to alcohol consumption. It was reasoned that patrons simply got drunk, which negatively influenced their decision-making and impulsivity. However, Johnco and associates came up with a different answer. They measured both blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of participants and attractiveness ratings of opposite sex individuals during the course of the night. BAC increases (i.e. getting drunk) did not account for the whole increase in attractiveness of the opposite sex.

Given that, the authors reasoned that the effect was at least partially due to scarcity. As the night goes on, the time left to find a partner diminishes. Also, the people who are left to choose from reduces too. So, it becomes just like a one-day sale at the mall. The leftovers look mighty attractive as they become scarce at the bar—much like they do on the sale rack.

What This Means for Your Love Life

Scarcity can have a big influence on your perception of the attractiveness and worth of someone else. So, if you are chasing someone, you might want to stop and ask yourself why. Do you have something tangible and real to base your attraction on? Or, is that "amazing connection" just an illusion you have created because they are making you chase them and react?

Also, if you find others are "bored" with you or devalue you, you might want to be a little harder to obtain yourself. Don't give in so easily. Make them work a bit for it. Make yourself scarce. You might be surprised what it does to their perceptions! Besides, turn-about is fair play...

Conclusion

Playing hard to get does indeed work. It also works on you! So, before you go chase someone down, ask whether they are really worth it—or it is just the Scarcity talking. If it is the latter, then you might want to re-think chasing. Instead, make yourself scarce too—and let them chase you for awhile...

Same here.
Please note that the first study includes college girls, and the second one people who like to hang out at the bars and stay there till the closing. It says a lot about the personalities who are prone to scarcity trap.
I DON'T buy at sales if I don't need new stuff, and there's nothon in the world that can convince me to do differently.
Also I don't fall for men who act aloof. Or cold. Or unsure. Or jerks.
I think that's the matter of maturity.

Tired of the game? Yes! But you make it sound so fun, Dr. J. Currently my dating life can be best expressed through the Lady Gaga country anthem: Something about the Chase, as there is a man in my place of work who is the only man I asked out in the past 3 years (since my divorce) I have gone on 4 dates total and they were all, admittedly, atrocious. So this guy that I asked out had just started seeing someone and it has been cat and mouse ever since...He gives me strange, confused or grumpy looks whenever I see him...I usually drop things when he is around..one time I flipped a plastic fork over my head which then got stuck in my hair..I'm still not sure exactly how that happened....I don't call him. I don't talk to him. I don't seek him out like some depraved sociopath...but yet I still get this feeling that he thinks I am insane.
Anyway, sometimes I loathe human beings and all of our antics. I wonder if this same phenomenon was around before Capitalism? Is it instinctual (I imagine scarcity anxiety has some instinctual roots.)...but I would think that part of evolution would mean evolving past these animalistic tendancies and irrational fears..let's not forget the damn ego.
I do not want what I have not got. There. Now I feel much more civilized and maybe I just reclaimed my dignity. ;)

A lot of this was covered a few years back on the TV show, "The pick-up artist". While I do agree it is helpful advice for men to play hard to get, I actually think the opposite is true for women. It does seem to be true if a man is surrounded by women that other women seem to think he is more attractive (probably because he seems harder to get). The opposite doesn't seem true from what I've seen though. I know if I'm out at a bar and there's a woman I find attractive but she is in a group of 2 or 3 (or more) guys I will pretty much just move onto a set of girls that are by themselves (a group of 2 or 3 girls with no men in the picture). My thought is its just too much of a hassle to break through all the guys in the first group. I've seen this to be very much the same with any other guys I'm hanging out with too. Even guys I don't know I notice will stay away from groups where there are men in it too, especially 1 woman and three or four guys. I think the psychology just is different for the genders. My advice to women who want to meet a man is be very straight forward and just walk up to the guy. I've had this happen a few times when I've been out and I'll tell you even if I'm not attracted to her I've always been polite and many times have become friends with these girls. Most men I know like a woman to walk up to them and initiate the conversation. 9 times out of 10 the guy will be very happy she initiated.

First of all, I don't think women fall for unavailable men. It sometimes looks like those men are initially more interesting, but to whom? The girls who find those guys interesting are usually younger, inmmature, unexperienced, or surrounded by other men's attention so intensively that an aloof man seems different than everyone else. In any case, the interest is superficial and once they get the aloof man's attention, they will run away.
Second, don't advice women to use direct approach. It never works. Why? Because that act is not feminine in nature, and we want to feel feminine. We don't want to get a new male friend, it's not enough to see you act polite, we want to feel feminine from the start till the end. Every honest and self aware woman would tell you that.

1) Yes - many people are playing hard to get and not really enjoying going out with anyone. But, the alternative is "easy to get", and few people seem to value those who take that approach. So, unfortunately, there appears to be a bit of a catch-22 and a balancing act. I think being "selectively attainable" is probably the best compromise in that instance.

2) I agree. Finding out that someone wasn't "playing hard to get", but rather was not interested is painful for both men and women (of all sexual orientations). It is a bitter pill to be sure. That is why we are often motivated to wish, hope, and chase, rather than actually test and confirm others' feelings. Nevertheless, it is still better tested early - so as little time is wasted chasing something truly unrequited as possible.

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I play hard to get long enough to get the women into bed and give them a big rush of dopamine. Then I leave them hi and dry with a huge dose of cortisol running through their brains. That way they get to learn a lesson for chasing the bad boys and wake the hell up. Most of the stupid women that believe in "THE ONE" finally get a well deserved life lesson that the one they seek is truly inside of themselves and not some fantasy they have cooked up.

I am doing nice guys a favor by treating women like shit so they will learn a lesson. I get sick of women only wanting me when I treat them like I don't want them. They deserve to be shit on!!!

Actions speak a lot louder than words and that is exactly what women's actions say they want. I quit listening to what comes out of their mouths a long time ago.

Good job on tricking women. But the reality is you're a loser dude. I bet most women see this in hindsight and never look back. They are probably thankful you dropped them instead of wasting their time thinking you're one way only to find out later you aren't.

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I am not a professional in the psych area. But I've got the Aronson/Wilson/Akert at home and found something about the propinquity and mere-exposure-effects. The closer you are to someone or the more often you meet the person the more you like him or her. Please help me think about that. Does that mean the ideal situation would be to be trapped together and at the same time make each one to another unavailable or scarce? Seems to me like a romantic movie plot. Or otherwise: is there a contradiction between "liking" and "being attracted" to someone? If in this direction there isn't just the badboy vs. friendzone subject waiting, it might get philosophical, about love and hatred lying close to another? Would it be better not to be liked too much to stay attractive?

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What 'scarcity' theorists fail to explain is exactly why people are driven to pursue things that are scarce? A thing being 'scarce' doesn't automatically make it desirable. Looks like you psychologists have to go back to the drawing board.