Dedicated to My Daughter’s Father

Today is my daughter’s father’s birthday. He passed away a few days ago after a courageous fight with cancer and I would like to dedicate this article to him.

For all of you who think that “experts” have the answers to all the problems, we don’t. Of course I’ve had a lot of education and work with divorced parents every day, but most of the advice I give and what I have found really works comes from living it and my daughter’s father has been a huge influence in all that I have learned.

I rarely write about him. There are a few articles on this website about our struggles, but most of the articles I write are about my life after remarriage and how we struggled to combine our families. That family, what I call my bonusfamily, where my daughter had siblings, both bio and bonus, was loud and crazy and kid-centered.

My daughter had a different kind of life with her dad. Being that she was his only child, her life with him was much quieter, much more reserved, and it wasn’t until she was older that she really jelled with that side of the family. As an adult she developed an incredibly close relationship with both her dad and her bonusmom, so much so that there were many times I had to secretly admit there were aspects of her personality that really fit-in better over there than with the chaotic craziness we called home. My daughter’s back and forth life was at the root of my learning not to compare, not to put my child in the position of having to choose which home she liked best, and not to panic when she and her bonusmom planned special things like a trip to NY, just the two of them. It also taught me how important communication was, because for years her dad and I were very poor communicators. When we began to communicate better, our daughter’s life became better.

We always think our life with our children is their life. Our house is where they really want to be, but children of divorce have two homes and watching my child go to her father’s taught me to understand that it’s not me or her dad, but me and her dad. She was a product of both of us. She was not my daughter visiting her dad. She had a full life with him and her bonusmom—family friends, favorite foods, favorite things to do, her own room, family jokes, and memories that had nothing to do with me.

This was never more apparent than when my daughter’s dad took a turn for the worse. She flew in from Arizona to spend his last days with him and to help her bonusmom prepare for the inevitable. It was difficult to hear her so sad on the phone and not be able to put my arms around her to comfort her. I had never been in that position and I didn’t know exactly how to handle it, but it was evident that she wanted to be there for her dad and her bonusmom. It was their life together that was ending and I had no place in it.

Once again, this bonusfamilies life has taught me yet another lesson. When our children go back and forth between parents they develop relationships with their other parent and bonusparent that we think we understand, but we may not–and it really doesn’t matter. It’s not for us to do anything other than be grateful that they have other people in their life that truly love them. My daughter and her bonusmom are experiencing something together that’s theirs alone. And, at this point, now that my daughter’s dad has passed on, I’m grateful she has someone who was also witness to her dad’s life as she experienced life with him. That is a blessing.

My daughter’s father was a good man and a wonderful father. There were times, of course, like all divorced parents, that I wondered what made him tick, why he was responding the way he was or why he was being so cantankerous for what seemed to be cantankerous sake, but there was never a day, never even a minute that I was not grateful that he was her dad.

And with that, let me say, “Rest in peace, Michael, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Dr. Jann Blackstone specializes in child custody, divorce, and stepfamily mediation. She is also the founder of Bonus Families, 501 c3 non-profit organization dedicated to peaceful coexistence between divorced or separated parents and their combined families.