Tuesday, January 01, 2008

The diet to end all diets

Happy New Year everybody! This year, many people will be making a resolution to be eating healthier and better and more environmentally friendly foods, and I'd like to kick things off by suggesting several such foods for your consumption.

Pavlova and ice-cream: just two healthy foods to be eaten on a regular basis.

Pavlova is an excellent staple diet food that provides all your body will need in protein. It is non-fattening and many scientific studies have shown that it has an excellent effect on the development of the brain. For this reason, it should be fed to babies as soon as it is possible. If necessary, it can be turned into a mush and fed to them with their baby food.

Chocolate is another excellent food, with guaranteed slimming effects. It is a well known fact that Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe, Kathryn Hepburn, and many other famous beauties of stage and screen ate chocolate all the time. If you want to be like them, then a few bars of chocolate every meal is a great start.

For those environmentally-conscious sorts looking for a meal that is satisfying to eat, has minimal impact on the environment, and also is good for your health, I recommend sticky-date pudding with caramel sauce. These days, all sticky date puddings are grown on free-range pudding farms, lovingly tendered and nurtured until they reach the right size for eating. Furthermore, many studies have demonstrated that people who have half a sticky-date pudding for breakfast every morning greatly reduce their risk of coronary disease and memory loss amongst older people. Also, sticky-date pudding prevents cancer.

Ice-cream is now considered by many nutritionists to be a necessary supplement to any healthy diet. It has been shown to have many positive effects on human health. People who regularly eat ice-cream have less colds or flu and also are more likely to be more hard-working and early risers.

For those people who have tried everything else, and just can't seem to get their weight down, perhaps they could turn to pies. Pies have indeed been found to be a wonder food, not only helping people to maintain a nutritious and healthy diet but greatly aiding in their slimming. As a matter of fact, many modern movie stars, such as Nicole Kidman and Jonny Depp, eat nothing but pies.

It will, of course, be necessary to control your fluid intake as well. Thankfully, there are many drinks on the market today with proven benefits for your health and for the environment as well, including milkshakes, beer, vodka, honeyed mead, butterscotch schnapps, triple macchiato, absinthe, coke spiders, and laudanum. Drink regularly in combination with any of the suggested meals above, and soon you will be on your way to health, wealth, and beauty!

FINALLY: Why not plan your meals with a 'diet timetable', updated week by week? Here is an example

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Breakfast

Pies

Schnapps

Icecream

Coke spider

Pavlova

Milkshake

Pavlova

Milkshake

Chocolate

Triple macchiato

Sticky date pudding

absinthe

Pies

Beer

Lunch

Chocolate

Schnapps

Pavlova

Beer

Chocolate

Laudanum

Icecream

Butterscotch schnapps

Chocolate

Honeyed mead

Pies

Laudanum

Chocolate

Coke spider

Dinner

Pies

Beer

Chocolate

Coke spider

Icecream

Beer

Chocolate

Laudanum

Icecream

Beer

Icream

Triple macchiato

Icecream

Butterscotch schnaps

Soon you will be laughing at all those poor fools grimacing over their prune juice and frowning over their soya cereals as you eat your way to a happier, healthier, more environmentally-friendly you!

Well, not that there's anything necessarily wrong with those, either, but one likes them to be spaced out, preferably over a matter of years... one most get wasted very slowly and thoroughly, following the example of practised laudanum addicts such as Coleridge and De Quincey.

Far be it from me to deny the healthsome properties of laudanum, but it does cause constipation. In the interests of regular bowel movements, laudanum tipplers are advised to take a cup of oil, neat, daily.

It's a shame that Andy Griffiths stole your thunder and wrote the children's books you were born to write first. As small consolation, I'll tell you that my sister calls people who tailgate her car "enemas".