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Don't let that blank expression fool you, it's plotting something.

Dogs are animals, physically similar to wolves and foxes, and are probably the most idiotic creatures in existence. They are hairy, have four dumb legs and- SHUT UP SPARKY, YOU STUPID ANIMAL I'M TRYING TO TYPE! They have faces, much like humans do, only uglier, much uglier, and much more punchable too. They serve many functions as pets, such as to eat and eat and never give anything back. WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!?BAD DOG!! GET OUT!! Anyway, basically they're assholes.

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Why they're so Stupid

Dogs (or Canis Inferioris to use the Latin) are one of the more intelligent animals on Earth. However, since animals are generally less intelligent than children and idiots, Dogs really aren't that clever at all.

I have a dog myself for example, a really stupid one. Not that I wanted one you understand, the wife insisted. I always used to say; "Jane, I don't want a dog, they're annoying, they just get hairs everywhere and you have to walk them all the time, what's the point of that?" But she didn't listen, she never did. She just kept saying, "either you give me a kid, or we get a dog, it's one or the other Barry." So I just went all quiet and sulked, hoping she'd see how sad I was and change her mind. She didn't, of course, she never changed her mind about anything. Jane never cared about me or my feelings, she treated me like... well, a dog.

Anyway, dogs. So yeah, we went down to the dog rescue place. There were all these scraggly, demented-looking things staring back at us. It was like being in a mad scientist's lair, filled with failed experiments and crimes against nature. Jane picked this really ugly one, and straight away from it's sad, vulnerable expression I could tell it was a needy son of a bitch. NO SPARKY, GET DOWN. I'M NOT GOING TO FEED YOU. Damn Dog always wants food. GO AND CATCH A BIRD OR SOMETHING. See what I mean? Needy.

Pets

A lot of people will tell you that a dog is a man's best friend. Bullshit. A dog? My friend? I wouldn't be seen dead with anyone who shits all over the lawn and randomly attacks passers by without provocation. I hate the things. DO YOU HEAR THAT SPARKY? I HATE YOUR GUTS! DON'T GIVE ME THOSE INNOCENT EYES, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE. God I hate him. Jane loved him though. She paid more attention to that retarded creature than she did to me. She always used to complain when I forgot to walk it. How's that my fault? You have to do it like everyday, of course I'm going to forget every now and then. Just like I used to forget our anniversary sometimes. OH GOD JANE, I'M SO SORRY!!

My white whale.

Yeah Jane spoiled Sparky. It pissed me off so much when she was so nice to him - always letting it eat from the table and sleep in our bed. It's not a human! It's not meant to sleep in a bed! Especially not with us! AND YOU WONDER WHY WE NEVER HAD SEX!! SHUT UP SPARKY I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU.

None of that now though, not now she's gone. Sparky sleeps in the back yard, where he belongs - because he's an animal, not a person. He doesn't have a bed or basket or even a kennel. He sleeps outside, like lesser life forms are meant to. I always used to tell Jane that this was just the order of things, how it's meant to be. She just told me to shut up, and then lavished all her attention on the dog, apologising for me and nursing its wounds.

Why They're so Stupid (2)

Dogs come in all shapes and sizes, from big, small, medium sized etc. etc. Those little yappy dogs that lonely old women have are the worst. And the big ones, they're the worst too. Some dogs are strong, others are nimble. It doesn't matter how nimble they are though because the bastards are always in the way. Sparky just stands there like a mentally challenged statue while you're rushing around, trying to do something important. Then I always bump into him, which makes him yelp loudly. God how I hate his yelp. It goes through me like fingernails on a blackboard. Jane used to tell me off for doing this, but it serves him right for being such an ugly wimp. If you're going to stand in the way, people are going to bump into you. "You should be more careful" she used to say. Careful? I'm in a hurry here, dominant species have a lot to do! But like I said, now that she's gone I can just barge into him whenever I want. It's the best way to get him to move. To tell you the truth, I'm glad she's gone, it means humans are the dominant species in the house again. The way it should be. Yeah, things are better now. OH JANE, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!

Diet

Oh... I wish.

Dogs are too stupid to understand basic concepts like "hungry" and "full", and will pretty much just eat at every opportunity. I could hit Sparky over the head with a 60lb bag of dog food[1] and he'd still want my dinner. There's this thing I do that's really funny - I pretend to give him his dinner but I really don't, I just shake the bag a bit. It's so funny, he starts licking his plate and everything, even though there's no food in it, and it takes him like five minutes to realise he's eating nothing. Then he looks at me with those big, sad, brown eyes like he's saying "please feed me." Manipulative fucker, you're not telling me what to do. So if he does that I just don't feed him, that teaches him who's boss.

Dogs also like eating random stuff that isn't even food, like grass and faeces and treasured photographs of YOUR LOVED ONES. DAMN YOU SPARKY! YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME! OH JANE I MISS YOU SO MUCH. It's all that stupid Dog's fault, he planned it. Not that dogs are clever or anything, at least not clever like humans. They have the just right amount of intelligence required for malice.

WHERE ARE YOU, YOU MONGREL? COME HERE! TAKE THIS, AND THIS, AND ONE OF THESE!!! STOP WHIMPERING YOU BIG FAG! EAT SHOE! AW, DOES IT HURT!? WELL THAT'S HOW YOU MADE ME FEEL!! God I miss you Jane. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!

Mating

The way dogs have sex is pretty much the same as when humans have sex. The male inserts his penis into the woman from behind her, and then he just does his stuff until he's bored or she fights him off. This lasts anywhere from a couple of seconds to a minute.

This ancient mosasic shows that dogs have been causing pain for thousands of years.

Like most animals, who are inferior to humans, dogs will just fuck anything. Chairs, your leg, a tree, a female dog, a male dog, my dad's face while he's asleep. Anything.

On the subject of dogs fucking anything, that reminds me another interesting story... I came home one work early one day, and Jane was nowhere to be found. "Jane?" I called out to her. "I'm home, where are you?" I went upstairs and saw that the bedroom door was shut. How odd, I thought, and went in. My face dropped at what I saw - Jane, in bed, wearing her black dress that she only ever puts on for special occasions, with a shocked expression on her face, and a figure beside her, conspicuously hidden underneath the covers. "It's not what you think!" she pleaded. Full of rage, I lunged forwards, dragging her from the bed. She fell on the floor with a cry, but I stepped over her and made my way to the figure on the other side of the bed. I was throbbing with anger, ready to kill whoever I found there. I pulled the sheets away, and there, staring back at me with brown eyes, lay Sparky.

NO! I cried. NOOO!! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEING GOING ON!?!? I felt sick, betrayed, and most of all furious.

I didn't mean to kill her. I was just so upset. Her pretty little head was so delicate, how was I meant to know that her brain was going to haemorrhage so easily? OH JANE, I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! I PROMISE. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH. YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME!!!