There's a radio station in Pittsfield, Massachusetts in the late 90s that used to always surround their movie promos with the line "But watch out - the floor is sticky!" That should have been Chynna's excuse last night. I will now yield the movie-related jokes to Mime Emeritus Tom Bergeron!

"Julianne Hough is back!" I kind of forgot what a big deal she is. Oh my sweet lord, they open with Star Wars text credits. Tom does a better job with the "IN A WORLD WHERE SPRAY TAN IS A WAY OF LIFE" movie trailer voice. Brooke, what are you wearing? It's pink, so I suppose I am in favor, but it's very weird, like a pastel barbie dress with fake corseting decorations.

We're starting it off with a a performance from Raphael Sadit(?) performing "Soul Man" with a brass section that does their own dancing! Fabulous! I've been writing porn for sparktober for about an hour now, so I'm warmed up for innuendo already, and let me say - these dark handsome men in suits can blow my horn anytime.

We forced our "star studded audience" to give us opinions, and they all think everyone was great: Donny Osmond, Dr. Phil, an old dude I don't recognize, Pee Wee Herman, who are those people?, was that Ian Ziering? Oh, the Who Are Those People = Kardashians. Of course. And after the break - Susan Boyle! And later, Blake Shelton! Julianne Hough! Possibly some more people! They're really packing 'em in tonight. No mention of any actual results yet.

Clip of Derek and Julianne flipping each other over in rehearsal. Awww, it's cute how they adore each other. I'm a sucker for family cuteness.

Footloose commercial with a GIANT MIRRORBALL IN IT!! They did that on purpose, I'm sure.

*break!*

And now... Dancing With the Special Guest Stars continues with Susan Boyle doing "Unchained Melody." She is wearing a blazer possibly entirely made out of sequins. I'm dubious, because I have a hard time with women singing this song, but if anyone can pull it off, it's probably Susan Boyle. Peta and Val's naked chest tear up the fog. For anyone who said Tristan was replacing Dmitry - no, no, Val is the one who took Dmitry's all-important role of never buttoning his shirt. This is a beautiful dance! Their talents were wasted dancing with Metta World Peace and Elisabetta Canalis - this is a much better use of their near nudity. And... woah! Unexpected chior of angels with violins on the staircase is unexpected!

So... Susan was good. Not amazing! But good. The dancing was amazing. So we'll average that out to "great!"

Hey, results! Cheryl and Rob are Supermanning it up. I wore a ring with the Superman S on it around my neck for most of my teenage years because Dean Cain ruined me for men everywhere I decided I was going to marry Superman (or at least someone with a Superman tattoo - I was flexible with my fantasies at that age). Rob Kardashian is not that Superman. Anyway, after the dance Cheryl tells Rob that Carrie Ann has a little crush on him. Rob asks if she's single, and Cheryl doesn't know, but ultimately remembers that she's not married yet. I'm thinking they judges and pros don't hang out together much. In the confessional, JR wants to know "what Pink Panther Carrie Ann has watched in the past" that didn't include humor. Good question! That cartoon would be creepy as heck if it wasn't played for laughs. JR also loves his fake mustache.

Before dancing, Ricki tells Derek "Don't forget to kill me at the end." Derek says not to worry about that. HA. I just realized that Bruno and Carrie Ann call out their scores to Len to write down, so they know what each other are going to say before they get into the judging section bickerfest. Ricki and Derek have major 10-gasms in the celebriquarium and the confessional. Ricki says "We're going OUT tonight!" Derek sulks: "I can't. I've got to rehearse with my stupid sister." I LOVE THAT.

Tom: "The first couple who has been saved..." The audience yells "Ricki!" and JR moves his top hat up and down. Karina can use props as rewards in training from now on, like my friend uses a favorite tennis ball as a treat when training her dog. Tom says the audience stole his line, because Ricki and Derek are of course safe. Next safe - JR and Karina! Rob and Cheryl... the audience yells "SAFE!" but they are in jeopardy. I wonder if Kim Kardashian's Wedding Festival of Conspicuous Consumption being on at the same time as DWTS could have hurt his voting audience.

Wow, Julianne is tiny and Blake Shelton is gigantic. Hey, are we not getting an encore dance!? Guess not.

*break!*

Disney Pirates on blu-ray commercial! Just for THAT Anna and Carson should be safe. PRODUCT PLACEMENT, Disney ABC! They basically need to be safe. I've been on this side of an anxiety attack all freaking day, so for my mental health if no other reason they must continue to be around to be my happy place of costuming crack.

Brooke and the "ballroom buzzers" upstairs. Chynna says she will fight through her blankout this week. Carson tells Brooke that they "didn't go overboard, pun intended," with props and dramatic campiness, because this was the week to do that in. Brooke asks if Chaz is getting some positive momentum, and Chaz goes "I sure hope so." There's an awkward pause while Brooke wonders why he's not elaborating in the famewhore manner typical of this series.

We welcome back Tom's "favorite movie star" Julianne, Blake Shelton, and Julianne's costar who might be named Brad Wormhole. Who is singing instead of Blake Shelton here? That is most definitely a woman's voice. Julianne is such an incredible dancer. Oooh, Blake! Hello! Singing "Footloose"! Thank you for putting my confusion to rest! Dancers everywhere! We don't know any of them until Julianne and Wormhole return after a costume change. Impressive! Tom hugs Julianne and she starts to cry and the ballroom cheers. Oh, Tiger Tassels, we love you! Tom says that Julianne told him earlier that she was nervous, and Tom pep-talked "You're in a room full of people who love you!" and now Julianne cries more because she's still nervous and THANKS US FOR HAVING HER BACK. OH, BABY. Tom awesomely makes her read the prompter to throw to commercial. I LOVE EVERYONE!

*break!*

This episode is cruising along! I really miss the timewaster episode that lulls me into a rhythm before they throw all these guest stars on us. I do really love the film-strip graphic above the band.

More results! Before Chynna's dance, Tom hugs Tony and jokes "It's been real." Chynna mic feed during her onstage panic is hard to hear. She swears (#sorryjesus) and then is in full-on freakout and Tony just tells her it's okay and talks her through it and then tells her to keep her composure. Backstage, Tony tells Maks that Chynna wanted to stop and he told her to just go through it. When Carson pulls his pirate hat off in the dance, he yells to Anna, "It's me!" Afterwards, Carson apologizes and Anna doesn't really answer him but does devil-horn hands at the camera. Oh man, Anna breaks down in the confessional and says she acts tough but she's a "soft wench" and Carson says she's shivering his timbers and ANNA ANNA ANNA MY FAVORITE WENCH EVER. She deserves the MVP award this season so hard. She's probably working harder than any other pro because being partnered with Carson requires that she basically choreograph a freestyle EVERY WEEK.

SAFE... CHAZ AND LACEY! Also safe... *wibble* I LOVE BOTH THESE GUYS. OMG CARSON AND ANNA ARE SAFE!!! Carson picks her up and spins her around and she just BEAMS FOR DAYS. Oh these two! Chynna and Tony... are in jeopardy and Chynna might cry. Tony sighs because it's just his luck.

Jeebus, Brooke's pink dress has black bows on the straps.

Montage of the stars talking about how they didn't expect how hard and nerve-wracking and crazy their sabbatical on Planet Mirrorball would be. Useful tidbits: Chaz says "You've got this 23 year old kid kicking your ass." LOL. Nancy can't believe she actually cried in a dance rehearsal, and says she's having the time of her life. I worry she's going home tonight, though. Rob tells us that Romeo was more nervous for DWTS than he had ever been in his life. Aww, I miss Romeo. I do, in fact, follow his twitter @romeomiller, haha. The consensus from this segment is that the show is basically beating all of our stars into emotional nervous physically broken sweat-soaked wrecks who never see their children.

I really hope Chynna gets to stay, even though she's kind of cocky sometimes, because Tony deserves this so much and she's actually really good. I want to see her come back from this week! The producers are already planning to haunt her til the end of the show with that clip package of her losing her shit in the Tango.

Julianne and Derek have a bumper where they basically just look at each other adorably while wearing sequined blazers and caps. SOLD!

*break!*

Lady Gaga's Bad Romance will be the dance for design-a-dance. We can submit Gaga-inspired costumes "as long as they don't involve refrigeration."

Julianne and Derek shake their tailfeathers on our new fabulous staircase and do a truly awesome tricktastic Jive and they are SO CUTE! I miss them! Julianne runs over to hug the judges.

Tristan tells Nancy to keep her nipples in (HA!), not fart, and do good. She ticks those three things off and declares herself good to go. Okay, I love that this Flash Gordon business happened last night. Len was not as excited as me though. Tristan says Nancy did everything he wanted so the judges' comments should have been directed at him instead. He's a great pro for this show. And fills out a Flash Gordon jacket quite well, I might add.

Before they dance, Kym tells David that she's a damsel in distress and fakes a swoon. We learn so much about her fantasy life on this show. In the celebriquarium, Rob bets Lacey that they'll get 3 8s, but they get 2 8s and a 7. I love that Rob is showing off his ballroom knowledge to Lacey. I hope he spends his backstage time hitting on her and she gives him that exact same "Why are you even talking?" look that she's giving him now.

Hope and Maks are the CUTEST! Her nephew was in the audience dressed as Buzz Lightyear. Hope confesses that Maks looks cute and maybe she likes cowboys. I assume Maks' cowboy hat won't be finding its way back to wardrobe.

Neither Kym nor Hope look like they're going to throw up. Progress! First safe - HOPE AND MAKS! Awwwwww!! Go make out. Nancy and Tristan... are in jeopardy. Kym and David are safe since the bottom 3 are decided, but Kym still looks worried and very relieved when they're called safe. I imagine Hines yelling "GO GET 'EM BOO!" at his TV, by the way.

*break!*

The promo for Body of Proof makes me think that somewhere on the internet, icepixie is having a colossal joy freakout right about now.

NOOOOOOOOO Tom tells me it is not, in fact, Tony's year. ALL THE TEARS! Chynna is sad but says she has to take responsibility. Oh man. I'm crushed. I love Cheryl, I really do, but Rob is kind of useless, if less hateful than I initially thought. Tony says it was cool that Chynna listened to him during the dance when she panicked and he got to rescue her... temporarily. Oh no, video highlight montage. All the other couples look kind of pissed. I think Tony keeps saying "What the fuck!" during their final dance as it hits him how colossally bad his luck can be sometimes. What the fuck indeed, Tony! This was your year! You were suspended from the ceiling! WHERE IS JUSTICE. I mean, he did bust his shoulder last week and sprain his ankle last night so maybe it's best this happened before Lucky Season 13 freaking killed him, but noooooo. I'm sorry, Tony! I voted for you!

But I admit, I voted for Carson and Anna more. TEAM GLITTER PIRATES! And thank God I voted for them, or how awful would I have felt when Anna the Saucy Pirate Wench freaking cried after the judges hated on them. Her dress was incredible, though! I want to be Anna the Saucy Pirate Wench for Halloween!

So, my DWTS brackets are completely toast now. I'm having visions right now of Carson, Chaz and David Arquette in a finale where none of them can actually dance but America really loves them anyway!

Oh, and everyone go check out the cut confessional clips, because JR's mustache obsession is apparently contagious and you can never watch Hope tell Maks he's cute too many times: