Just got back from the doctor and found out that I may have Non-hodgkin Lymphona. Fucking really, really scared right now. I'm just sitting here alone at home after getting off the phone with my "family" back home. I'm doing anything and everything to take my mind off of it, but I just can't. I'm waiting for the wifey and daughter to come home from a day at school before I tell them. I might not even tell my lil girl until I find out for sure next week. It's really, really rough right now. Thank god for health insurance. List is music that makes me feel all good inside. You know what I mean.

If yall have any jokes, any funny insults, or any other way I can occupy my time right now that doesn't include any physical activity(I can't do anything other than sit and bullshit until my results come back and they say I'm all clear), let me know. I'm all ears(or eyes, whatever)

ALL OF YOU CAN GO EAT A DICK! YOU ALL MUST BE VIRGINS OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO THAN INSULT SOMEONE ON THEIR LISTS! I THOUGHT THIS SITE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HELPFUL, BUT YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF ELITIST DOUCHES!

Shit dude hope it turns out to be just a scare. I had a similar experience a month or so ago when i thought i had testicular cancer the docs were concerned to say the least. I got sent for a full battery of tests the waiting between having to go for the test and getting my results was terrifying. Luckily it was a cist. Hope everything works out dude.

Thanks man. Yeah, it's not so much the "news," it's this fucking waiting game. I gave two blood samples and a urine sample this afternoon, and I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to get a full check. It fucking sucks.

so this guy decides to stop by a pub on his way home from work to grab a beer during happy hour. while sitting at the bar, he notices a tip jar full of money. and not just money, absolutely nothing but $10 bills. He thinks to himself, "this can't be a tip jar..." So he asks the bartender what the jar's for.

"Well," the bartender replied, "we have a little contest here at this establishment, but to find out more you're going to have to drop a $10 in there." The man thinks about it for a second, decides he's fine without the info, then proceeds to finish his beer and order another. Towards the end of this second beer, his curiosity gets the best of him. He drops a ten spot in the jar and motions the bartender back over.

"Alright, what is this contest?"

"First off," replies the bartender, "you've got to drink an entire fifth of tequila in under 10 minutes without flinching, gagging or puking. Not one sign of weakness. Second, we've got a pit bull chained up out back with a bad tooth. You're going to have to go out there and yank it out for us. Third, there is a 95 year old woman who lives above this bar who has never, I repeat, NEVER had sex. You've got to take care of that too. If you complete all three tasks, you win the contents of the jar."

The man thinks about it for a second, and respectfully declines. He then orders another brew. After gaining some additional liquid courage, our loyal patron decides he's up for the challenge.

"Bartender!" he slurs out the side of his mouth, "bring me the tequila!" The bartender does as the man requests. Eight and a half long minutes later, the man has downed the tequila, barely batting an eye. "Where's that dog at?!" he yells.

"Out back."

The rest of the patrons are then treated to a series of shrieks, screams, yells and the sounds of a dog barking and clothes tearing, possibly flesh too. Then, silence. A creepy calm comes over the bar, and the bartender secretly starts to worry for the man's life. ("am I going to jail for this?")

Seconds later the back door bursts open and there stands our hero, clothes torn to shreds and covered in blood. He immediately yells:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and

began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

What's the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of dead babies?

You can't move a pile of sand with a pitchfork

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.

He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."

The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."

The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the

young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You bastard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"

Yeah, I edited the comment and killed the line breaks so figured why not

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"