Hello. I am your next-door neighbor. I'm sorry I have never formally
introduced myself, but this is largely due to your having been murdered
some 100 years before I was born.

I'm writing now to complain about the late-night noise. I'm not a prude, I
understand that a "person" in your position sometimes feels the need to
moan, howl, wail, rattle chains, bang doors, shriek, screech, etc. I'm
just wondering if, instead of your usual schedule of channeling the sounds
of all the torments of Hell from midnight to 4:00 a.m., if perhaps you'd
be willing to do so from noon to 4 p.m. I know this is not the traditional
haunting period, but hey, times change! If darkness is absolutely
necessary for audibly expressing the agony of your eternal damnation, how
about maybe 6 - 10 p.m.? I think that's a fair compromise. Some of us
would like to sleep around here while we're still alive.

Also, stop with the Whitesnake records at full-volume. That's just being
an ass.

tired,
your neighbor

Dear neighbor,

The blood regularly dripping from the walls of your home has been leaking
into my rose bushes again. Please desist, or I shall be forced to call the
EPA.

sincerely,
Your neighbor

Dear Haunted House residents,

Last weekend my girlfriend and I were out driving when I accidentally ran
out of gas while out in the countryside. While walking back into town, we
spotted your home and came in hoping to be able to use your phone. When we
realized your house was abandoned, we went inside for shelter from the
rain.

So there we were, the two of us alone in a big ol' house all to ourselves
and what happens every time I try to put the moves on? We hear this voice
moaning, crap like "waaaaaaait until maaaaaaaaaaarriage!" and
"baaaaaaaaabies!" and "you don't know where that thing's beeeeeeeeeeeen!"

I've never heard of a ghost scaring someone's pants ON before. I hate you
guys.

sincerely,
Barry

Dear Freaks,

I'd say you folks were going to hell, but I think you're all from hell
and, unfortunately, you seem to be staying here in Pine Meadows. Look, I
didn't complain when the villagers showed up with torches and destroyed my
privet hedge, and I didn't say anything about the werebear crapping in my
kid's sandbox, but if one more "paranomal investigator" bangs on my door
while I'm watching "Dancing With the Stars" and asks to interview me about
the your house I'm going to lose my freaking mind.

Yours,
Bob

Dear Ghost-people,

Please stop leaving your haunted house, coming over to my house, and doing
trying to do the "knock knock - who's there - boo - boo who? - why are you
crying" joke. I'm sure it was hilarious to you that it worked once, but
it's really not going to happen again.