In January of 2005, my son C. died. Then he was born. These are the 8 million pieces of my life, as I pick them up,one by one.

And now, featuring the addition of our second beautiful child, BB and his lovely sister E.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Lists and Lists

I do okay in my routine. Get up, go to work, see the exact same people today as yesterday, go home, hang out, go to sleep. Safe. It is the deviation from that routine that knocks me down.

Yesterday:

escapade with Old Acquaintance.

professional meeting with someone where I was in over my head.

the sight of someone at work wearing her 1 month old in a cute BabyBjorn carrier on her chest. Recalling the weight and smell of my son. Desperate desire for that type of intimate moment.

Today:

professional luncheon with someone where I was in over my head (this is getting to be a daily problem).

professional luncheon with an old acquaintance (I sat at the other end of the room).

noticing that the aforementioned baby-wearer has lost all of her baby weight (hey, when you actually have a baby to carry around and breastfeed, the weight loss is pretty easy).

Stop messing with my routine.

And in other news ----

I am in a funk. Depression? Laziness? Funkiness. I am tired of funkiness.

I also question my work-related feelings of inadequacy. I am relatively "new" to my field, but do have 6 years of experience. How much of this "I am in over my head" feeling is a reaction to the actual work-load that I face, and how much of it is a transferring of "I can't get pregnant, and even when I do I can't do that right" (note the tendency towards hyperbole I have when I am feeling funky).

Changing topics; I finished reading a year's worth of posts in the blog I mentioned previously. Here are the things that I learned from deadbabymama:

I prefer the phrase "My son is dead" to "My son died" - the active voice.

Canadians talk about Canadiana a lot (a.k.a. It Isn't Just Me).

The word "reconciliation" can be applied to coming to terms with grief - better than "healing" or "resolution".

It is the little things that hurt.

Massive mood swings are normal.

Other people mentally plan funerals.

Take Your Kids To Work Day is only fun for the parents of the living.

The Truth resonates.

OK, some of those things I already knew. You don't grieve for a year without learning something! I appreciate the validation of my experience when I read someone else's similar interpretation.