I'm starting to realize at 34 years old that it may be over for me. I have no youth left in me.

It's wrong that the ugliest man I've ever dated, all 5'4" and 125lbs of him (at least 10lbs of it nose) still makes me wonder why I'll never see another August night in the middle of a lake in a rubber raft with a bottle of wine. Yeah, that's right Jeff, curly hair, you are among the most physically unattractive man I've ever kissed and I'll never forget you. People who walk by may have no idea. You might even be dead, but I know more than most will that you are the pure beauty most of us never will find.

I'm so sick and tired of modern life. You men are void of romance and it's the worst loss I can imagine. Worse than that loss, my romance and faith has faded to so little it's barely a spark. I can hardly cry at a movie anymore.

By I trade a chance meeting in for a false hope that you'll always be there. That you'll be solid as a rock that I'll never have to go that I'll never have to miss you that somehow it will all work out not to be a fairytale but some messy thing that all works out in the end.

What if I spend the rest of the summer indoors and I no longer have anything to remember but the indoors, my office, walking slowly in the garden, or riding in a car.

Some people live their lives without regret. I am flat out pissed off that there isn't more romance in my life and if I say I don't regret it, I'm a liar.

This isn't just about love. This is about freedom. I would sell everything I had in my entire life past present for a future with physical capability. I feel trapped here and robbed. No man can take me away from all of this.

I'm gonna chalk this bit of cynicism up to being tired, drugged up, bored, in pain and having a big case of cabin fever.

I hope when you recover you realize that romance is not dead in all men, or women for that matter. My Beloved Husband may not be all flowers and chocolate every day, but he is terribly romantic in so many other ways. For example, he tells me he loves me (with true sincerity!) every day. He asks if I need anything from the kitchen when he is in there. He always listens to me when I'm blathering on in frustration, even if he needs to go to sleep.

I feel romance isn't the stereotype that we're all taught by movies and books and TV, it's the little things done every day in real life.

Those movies kill me! So does Serendipity mentioned below by christabel. So yeah...with those roll models, I kind of want to beat all the men I've had in my life...although, Chuck comes pretty damn close. I mean, if I've stayed at his place when he's had to work graveyard, he makes me coffee when he gets home. I don't think he's started a notebook chronicling our love affair to date though...maybe I should buy a stack and some pens and leave them strategically placed around his apartment.......

The worst mood I was ever in happened on a trip up to Columbus where I was visiting Chris and Kylie for Thanksgiving. I guess Masie and I had been broken up about two months and I was so over dating at the time. I watched Serendipity and it left me in the foulest mood ever. So foul, in fact, that I ended up packing my shit up that day (a few days early) to drive home. At one point just outside Cinicinnati I pulled over on the side of the road, got out, shook my fist in the air and said are you fucking kidding me?! I am over this bullshit. I have no faith in love. I have no faith in you, God and if you don't give me a sign right now and I don't mean a whispering wind, I mean an unmistakable HUGE smack in the ass to let me know somebody somewhere is listening... I'm done. It immediately started snowing huge heavy flakes and I sheepishly got back in my car and went wow. That wasn't exactly what I meant. A very weird trip back to Nashville took twice as long as usual due to the weather. A weird stroke of fate (or was it?) caused me to slide off the highway and down an exit ramp losing my spot behind a tractor trailer that later jack knifed and killed the car directly behind it (exactly where I was earlier). I pulled into a gas station to warm up, get some coffee and take a minute when I ran across a very odd gentleman in a seemingly unmarked white blazer who was worried about my dead cell phone and driving in the weather. He was a very non-descript business man type and he said he was driving through Kentucky and to follow him. That way if I ran off the road or anything he'd be able to call for help. He took me on a detour that got me to the Tennessee state line safely and disappeared down a dark turn off. Maybe he was an angel? I dunno. I know that whole experience was top of the list of strange occurrences in my lifetime.

The very next day I spent nearly 7 hours on the phone with Kyle. A few weeks later I flew to Minneapolis for one of the best Christmases of my life. My family had theirs early that year because my folks went to North Carolina. Granted we all know how that relationship ended but I mean it was great for a while and at least restored my faith that I could indeed love again and have romance and watch the occasional romantic comedy without killing anyone.

Anyway, the point is that love is inconsistent and fluctuating but it is there. I still believe and it would kill me to know that you of all people don't feel the same. *hug* Hang in there buttercup. I love you.

Now that made ME cry. *hug* You've been a precious light in my life ever since I first met you. You certainly set the bar high for what I now expect out of friendships and the kind of friend I strive to be in return. You're one of my "unlikely angels". ;)

Romance

"I'm so sick and tired of modern life. You men are void of romance and it's the worst loss I can imagine. Worse than that loss, my romance and faith has faded to so little it's barely a spark."

My sweetie told me that I had to write something about romance to you since you are struggling with it. I personally don't think that you can handle romance. Romance is a dangerous, unpredictable dance. The moment that you expect romance it is gone as it is an fleeting beast. Can you really handle stolen moments away from work, from family? If you find the baddest boy in the world to sweep you off your feet then could you handle him curling up and giving you a dandelion bouquet? You whine about a lack of romance but you are not open for Craig or anyone else to give it to you. Be open and accepting and then romance will happen everywhere.

Re: Romance

Thanks for the opinion and I agree that it is a two way street. I also feel it is up to each person to create some of the magic in life. Romance is not just a "job" for a person. It is so much more.

Also, did you read the comments? I think that while your comment has much merit is also is a bit harsh considering the very difficult health situation I've been dealing with this year. I'm missing 2 entire months of my life. I feel trapped in my own body and with the pain it is hard to allow ANYTHING in, even tenderness as my brain is invaded with this struggle for basic health. Please understand, that has nothing to do with any other person but my personal battle. I do not expect pity or sympathy, only perhaps some empathy that it is the only context I have to work from at this point.

Re: Romance

Yes, I have read the comments. I am also keeping your pain management issues separate from your romance issues. To give you an idea about what a romantic movie is to me then check out Last of the Mohicans. Every character in that movie is motivated by love either positively or negatively. Romance does not have to be pretty, in fact it can look pretty ugly some of the time.

If you want me to bring in the pain management issues then let me know as I would prefer to keep them separate. I don't give much quarter when it comes to pain management. I have worked through personal pain and have people around me deal with high levels of pain and I don't give it much quarter.

Re: Romance

You see, here is where our perspectives fork significantly. I believe in the big picture and that you must consider all things in context. I know that not everyone thinks that way. While your effort is really appreciated and so is your intention, I don't think you and I will see eye to eye on many of these things.

The way that things interrelate is where much of the way I feel comes from. I don't see that generally as a problem, though I do have my fair share of problems.

I have had periods in my life of romantic bliss when I felt I had it all figured out. When I was happily married I never understood why the struggling masses of coupled but unmarried or entirely single people wouldn't take in my word as gospel.

I'll give you this, your relationship gives me great hope and I'm glad your family is happy. I have great respect for them and you. I see many a miserable marriage and it is nice to see one as peaceful and alive as you have.

I know that doesn't respond directly to what your post is about, but I want you to know that I know EXACTLY how you feel on many levels. My husband is great in many areas and I am very grateful for him, but I have also lost my faith in love. My friend that recently died, he was the biggest love of my life. I felt for him what I have never felt for anyone else, and I have dated many men. I was closer to him, no one understood me more, and I loved him with a passion and closeness that I have never had before or since. And since his death, I feel like my hopes and dreams of ever having love like that again has died as well. Not that I neccesarily wanted to get back together, but I was hoping to find that kind of love with my husband. But now I feel like it will never happen and I also feel like that dream was taken away from me just like my friend was. It is a devastating feeling and I totally know what you mean.

You are right, there is no romance, there is only getting through life day after day. It totally sucks the energy right out of you. I am sorry that you are having to go through it too.