The following bit of fan fiction was written
in an attempt to evoke smiles, laughter, and general good
cheer. If you like it (and naturally I hope you will), feel
free to send me your feedback. If you don't like it, feel
free to flame me. This will of course result in my becoming
chronically depressive and giving up writing for good. Choose
wisely.Continuity note: This story takes place some time between
Rogue and Joseph's return to the X-Men and the X-Men's battle
with the Phalanx in outer space.Stinky Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan fiction.
It was written for entertainment purposes only. All characters
and institutions presented herein are copyright Marvel Comics
Group. This is not meant to supersede said copyrights.Inky-Pinky Disclaimer: Me Loni. You reader. This my
story. Characters no mine. You no sue.<

Bishop took one look at the two X-Men -- one a Cajun who
he had come back in time to kill to prevent his eminent betrayal
of the X-Men, the other the former madman called Magneto,
now suffering from psychically induced amnesia and going by
the name Joseph. Then he looked at Joseph's glowing left hand
and at the two deuces that were already glowing in Gambit's
right. As an X-Man, he knew he should intervene. His responsibility
to the well being of his team demanded that he do so. He really
should step in. The ebony-skinned man grinned and went back
to reading the morning paper.

"I most certainly did, you loud-mouthed Cajun lout!"

"In your dreams, Lensherr!"

"What are you two arguing about now?" a regal Ororo
Munroe asked, hands on hips and eyebrows arched.

Storm seemed momentarily taken aback then grew stern. "I
am surprised at the two of you," Ororo admonished, "What
would Rogue think?"

"What would Rogue think about what?" Bobby asked
as he strolled casually into the mansion's rec. room.

Three voices -- one peppered with Cajun patois, one with
German overtones, and another with African inflection -- exclaimed
"BOBBY!" Bishop grinned but then noticed how much
pain the unfamiliar action caused him and drew his mouth resolutely
back into its usual frown.

"You back!" Remy said, once more stating the obvious
and once more demonstrating his difficulty with verbs.

"Wow. Two points for the Cajun. Rah," Joseph said,
twirling one finger in the air sarcastically. Gambit shot
him a warning glare and slapped his hand out of the air.

"You have returned, Robert! But I thought that you wanted
to spend time with your father," Ororo said.

"Wish Joe had a father . . . " Gambit mumbled under
his breath.

"I . . . er . . . well . . . "

"Robert!" Hank shouted jubilantly, at the same
time bounding to greet his friend. Unfortunately, he miscalculated
his trajectory and slammed into Bobby's chest, knocking him
onto Bishop and flipping the couch onto its back. Bishop wasn't
grinning.

All three other X-Men rushed to help, and without the guidance
of Professor Xavier, bungled the job, grabbing handfuls of
hair and pulling. Hank howled.

Jean's head popped in the door to see what all the commotion
was. Hank was startled when a soft pink telekinetic bubble
formed around his body, lifting him off Bobby. "Many
thanks, Jeannie, but what would Trish think?"

"Ugh! I t'ink you need be more concern wit' gettin'
some Rogaine! You sheddin', mon ami!" Gambit said, wiping
his hands on Joseph's shirt. Joseph glared at him.

"Yeah! Because you've slept with God-knows-how-many
women you're a stud, but just because Rogue's slept with Mag
-- er -- Joseph, she's a slut?" Bobby asked.

"Remy -- "

"Non!" Gambit shouted "I mean yes! Joseph
don' deserve 'er!"

"Remy -- !"

"Neither do you!" Bobby retorted contritely.

"REMY!!!"

"WHAT?!?" Gambit shouted. Then a mysterious flying
lamp hit him in the back of the head. Rogue saved him from
hitting the floor but then thought the better of it and dropped
him -- a bit forcefully as it appeared to the others.

"Hush, Rogue!" Cyclops interrupted, striking a
very leaderlike pose in the doorway. "We've got an emergency
on our hands, people! We've just received a transmission from
one of the other teams that someone's been raped."

Everyone started shouting at once. Scott gave them his most
leaderlike look of disdain, hoping to shame them into silence,
until he realized it wasn't visible beneath his visor. "SHUT-UP!!!"
he shouted. Everyone froze. "Thank you."

"Do ya' know who was raped?"

"No."

"Were you able to ascertain the victim's affiliation?"

"No."

"We got gays on de teams 'side Bobby?"

"No. I mean yes. I mean shut-up, Remy!"

"You know, Remy, I've been developing my powers to such
a degree that I can make certain bodily organs stop working."

"Don't you dare, Bobby!"

"Why would you care, Rogue, now that you're sleeping
with Joseph?" Warren asked.

"Ah am not -- "

"See? Roguey still be wantin' Remy!"

"Don't push ya' luck, sugah."

"I believe we have deviated from the subject at hand."

"Shaddap, all o' you!" Logan hollered, claws brandished,
"Bishop's right. We've gotta find out who was hurt so
I can tear Creed apart."

"Sabretooth? Oh no! Mama!" Rogue cried.

"Knowing Mystique, it was probably the other way around,
Rogue," Jean said.

"Well, she had better not have touched Forge!"
Storm snapped.

"Why? You don't," Bishop replied.

"That is beside the point!"

"SHUT UP!!!" Cyclops shouted, once more assuming
his most leaderlike pose.

Everyone just looked at Wolverine, fighting to hold back
the pithy comments that sprang so readily to mind. There wasn't
anyone among them foolish or brave enough to antagonize the
Canadian. Except Bobby.

Everyone's eyes became riveted on Jean. Then she was sobbing.
"Jean?!" Scott exclaimed, "Say it isn't so!"

She hiccuped and managed to say, "No! It isn't that!
I just don't like to hear about her!"

Rogue looked at her understandingly. "S'allright, sugah.
Ain't nothin' worse than findin' the guy who ya' love's been
married t'another woman." She glared purposefully at
Remy who looked down at his feet.

"Yeah, Jean," Betsy agreed, "Men're scum."

"Hey!" Warren protested.

"Honey," Scott said, "We've gone over this
before. That was all a big mistake."

"Maybe, Scott, but that doesn't explain why you still
say her name in your sleep!"

Storm went white as a ghost then slapped Remy. Just when
he was recovering, Rogue punched him. "Not only did ya'
have sex with mah best friend, but ya' got 'er pregnant an'
didn't even have the decency t'marry 'er!"

"Remy, you were not a member of the team when we fought
against the Marauders. How is it that you know of them?"
asked Storm suspiciously.

"Uh . . . well . . . you see . . . "

Just then the mansion's communiqué link flared to life, displaying
a hazy picture of Nightcrawler. "Guten tag, mein freunds!
You did get ze transmission I sent earlier zis morning, ja?"

Everyone started shouting questions at the bewildered mutant.

"Mah poor brother!" Rogue sobbed.

"Kitty!" shouted Wolverine and Storm.

"Rachel!" crowed Jean.

Scott bellowed for quiet then turned to face Kurt. "We
received the transmission, all right, but it wasn't clear.
We don't even know who was raped."

"Raped?" Nightcrawler asked, "I did not say
zomeone vas raped! I said zat I needed Jean's recipe for crêpes!
Ve're having a birthday party for Kitty, and she's always
been fond of French foods. Perhaps if zis is a bad time .
. . "

"Oh no," Jean crooned maliciously, "This is
a perfect time. In fact, I think you should teleport here
right now; I'm afraid the transmission might go on the fritz
again and it would be better to give it to you in person."

"Vell, if you are all sure . . . "

"Perfectly," Scott returned. The gathered X-Men
gave him their most evil grins.

Kitty looked at Kurt, her big brown eyes dripping with sympathy.
Big hanks of fur were missing where his foster-sister had
gotten a hold of him and there was a distinctive bald stripe
down the side of his chest where Cyclops had let loose with
one of his optic blasts.

Legalese: Rogue, the X-Men, and the distinctive likenesses thereof
are Trademarks of Marvel Characters, Inc. and are used without permission. This is an
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