Cautionary Tales For Children
Wonderful witty poems great for reading to your children. The stories and rhymes will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

Research has shown how important YOU are to your children and how as a dad the things you do, and keep on doing, really count, whether you live with them, or you are a single dad and are only able see them once a month, once a week or more, what you do really matters. This site is dedicated to all dads but will be of special relevance to the single dad. Remember, you are half the reason your children exist and they need you whether you live with them or not. As their dad, you have what it takes to make their lives successful and fulfilling no matter how often you see them. This site is about all the positive things that we as parents have to offer our children.

Living apart together

By Chris Barnardo

Film stars do it, the middle classes have always aspired to it, and now more and more people in relationships are opting for it - in fact, calling two houses, “home” is becoming the norm. . . .
Nowadays however, it’s not just the rich or emotionally progressive who have two homes. Every time a family breaks up and the parents separate, the children find themselves coming to terms with having an extra house they never thought they’d have. If you buy in to the hype, it seems that the potential for domestic dislocation is one of the most troubling issues facing modern children after their parents separate. But is having two homes really a problem? The Government seems to think it is. Unfortunately, it’s this philosophical standpoint itself that causes untold distress for children and parents alike, and probably sits at the heart of 90% of divorce court cases involving the children. It is a problem that the Family Court system has focussed on, and in part at least, one that has helped define its mantra of “mother is best”, in its attempt to minimise what the Government sees as the potentially damaging impact of a child having two places he or she can call home. . . .
The technical term for the living arrangements of children of separated parents, who are able to call both parents’ houses “home”, is Shared Residence. It seems like commonsense that children would want to, and benefit from, being free to view their parents as equals and perhaps even to spend roughly an equal amount of time with both of them. Nevertheless, it is the thought of not having a single, unambiguous base to call home, which has traditionally pushed the Courts away from making Shared Residence Orders the de facto standard. Even though the parent who has had to move out (usually the dad) might quite rightly object to being reduced to an also-ran overnight, actually the judges are only following the Government’s Guidance, which said of a shared residence order:

“…it is not expected that [the shared residence order] would become a common form of order, partly because most children will still need the stability of a single home, and partly because in the cases where shared care is appropriate there is less likely to be a need for the court to make any order at all”.

Of course, like most things it’s not quite that simple. For a start, guidance that was deemed appropriate (although even then slightly old fashioned) 20 years ago, is now completely out of step with society. Like it or not, children are spending an increasing amount of time with their dads, and they are likely to be more confused by the fact that he has suddenly become a second class parent, than by the urge to call his new place “their other home”. Then there are the grown-ups who in ever increasing numbers seem to be happier calling two places home. . . .
Research has found that over the last 20 years, those of us who can choose who we live with, are voting with our feet. The Western World is abandoning the traditional concept of a single home, with millions of people divorcing, moving out or simply, just not moving in with each other in the first place. More and more people are deciding that being happy sharing your life with someone doesn’t necessarily mean having to live in the same house with them all the time, and so are finding that they have two places they call home. In 1978 a Dutch journalist spotted, and then named this emerging social phenomenon LAT (Living Apart Together). In the last 30 years the prevalence of LAT relationships has grown to the point where today it is estimated that in the UK, nearly two million people have LAT relationships, which as it happens, is as many as those who are living together under the same roof (1)(2). . . .
If the current trend continues, it is clear that by the time our children are themselves grown into mums and dads, the number of people living apart together and calling two places home will outnumber people living in a single homes by two to one. Perhaps then it will also be normal for children of separated and divorced parents to have a full and rich relationship with both their parents, feeling loved and secure and at last finally feel that they have come home... to both their homes.

Things you can do to make it better for your kids

Talk to your children about how they feel living in two homes. Let them know that they can tell you how they are feeling and that you will listen. And do listen. Take on board what they say, and if you can change things to make it better for them, then change them.

Have a look at our latest top ten tips article written especially for dadcando by Sophie (11 years old), who gives tips for kids on Living in two houses.

If you want to make your new place feel like a home for your children then have a look at our top ten tips articles specifically on the subject.

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