Somewhere in the snow. Drowned in the fog. Surrounded by trees all over, deep in the forest, obscured from daylight.
In contemplation...

Monday, December 24, 2007

Happy Christmas (All is Over)

It’s a only about a day before Christmas and what a Christmas it would be…I feel completely out of tune with the whole festivity thing about Christmas. To be brutally honest, it’s so depressing when you feel as though last Christmas was only yesterday and time has gone so fast; in fact everything seems like a total waste of time because no happy memories truly spring to my mind from the past year.It’s so bad, I shall from now on call Christmas ‘The Nativity’ as a protest since judging from some recent statistics, people's generel knowledge has dropped considerably soat least that way nobody would recognise it as a festive holiday. Exams – most of them practically failed; TV has become a total bedlam; great works of art have now become the subject of my most recent lessons, with the expected outcome being that now I am completely indifferent to them; the so-called ‘bitches’ at school have now become even greater ‘bitches’ since I am now not even certain whether they are ‘bitches’ at all; I’ve been having a hard time remembering stuff I should be remembering for school, and when someone once really wound me up by condescendingly mocking me for not knowing stuff that we studied in school, I wryly replied that I didn’t know it precisely because I studied it at school…That last one actually still makes me laugh. It’s so true though. Sad but true and judging by the fact that yet again it does manage to bring a certain self-indulgent, devilish smile on my face, I feel like an accomplished misanthrope now. That surely must be the first sign, among a few others…The great thing about famous misanthropes (Scrooge, Hamlet etc) is that in spite of all, they don’t come cheap and that’s not because they’re mostly rich misers but simply because they are always miserable in style. And that’s what we are all seeking isn’t it?An intelligent person would always personally exonerate someone who is deeply miserable if they’re doing it in style, and that’s why Hamlet would always have ‘flights of angels’ sing him to his ‘rest’.To be bad is art, to be good is artifice. That’s what perhaps best sums up my frame of mind at present.I haven’t made any noticeable progress in terms of my personal acquaintances; I rarely sleep more then five hours a night nowadays, and the worst part is that if I do fall sleep eventually, my sleep is so deep that when I do wake up (no more than five hours later), or in the process of waking up, I usually experience a brief moment of numbness when I struggle to even open my eyes, though I am fully conscious. It’s somewhat like the pendulum effect, so abruptly swaying between lapses of unconsciousness and lapses of consciousness that I feel as though my whole being is merely the light switch controlled entirely by someone else. Whether it’s God Himself or another piece of artifice, that I cannot be sure of…And what does it matter for how could you find out? If that ‘someone else’ really exists, they would obviously never betray their identity to me, for that would spoil the fun… God would never reveal Himself as God because he can evidently foresee the consequences sensibly enough.I have also unwittingly stirred up trouble between myself and some of my teachers. I have even devised an efficacious method of demonstrating my utter resentment towards some of them. Now, I do not even give them excuses for why I did not turn up to their lesson and I am shunning them completely by the use of the simple, if not childish - ‘because I didn’t want to’. Obviously I was disgusted with myself afterwards but what really, really pisses me off now is the fact that those very same teachers smile and greet me throughout the school corridors when I come across them, as though nothing has happened, as though the day before, I wasn’t at all appearing contemptuous and with blatant arrogance, not even bothering to make up an excuse about why I wasn’t in their stupid lesson, but dismissing their pleas with disdainful ignorance. Have they not taken it to heart at all? Is it all just a matter of professionalism?One thing is certain: Respond to others’ ignorance with an even greater form of ignorance and watch how your enemies double everyday….It’s human nature: You delight in it reading about it in books but its dark, empirical side stings bitterly.So do wish me a Happy Christmas but only when it's all over...

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About Me

‘What can I say? I’ve known him for one and a half years: he’s a morose sort of chap – gloomy, stand-offish and proud; recently (and for all I know not so recently, as well) he’s been over anxious, with a tendency to hypochondria. But sometimes it’s not hypochondria at all that he’s suffering from, he’s simply cold and unfeeling to the point of inhumanity, it’s really just as though there were two opposites alternating within him. He is sometimes unconscionably short on conversation! It’s all: “I’ve no time, stop bothering me”, yet he just lies there not doing anything. He doesn’t mock, yet it’s not because he doesn’t have enough wit, but rather as though he didn’t have enough time for such trivial matters. He doesn’t listen to what people say to say to him. He’s never interested in what everyone else is interested in at any given moment. He has fearfully high opinion of himself, and perhaps not entirely without justification.
Well, what else?...I think your arrival will have a most salutary effect on him.’
Fyodor Dostoevsky