Tag: bourbon

You ever just sit around and think about Anderson Cooper? I did recently when I saw the shocking news that the CNN anchor turns out to be…GAY! Who saw that one coming? Later on, following his first announcement, Andy also came out as a body double for Casper the ghost, revealed that he was skinny, and turned folks on to the fact that he does not now, nor ever will, dye his hair white. Hot damn! Slow news day, anyone?

Anderson Cooper is a gay homosexual man

In related news, a rash of other celebrities have come out with their own startling revelations:

Rush Limbaugh came out as a fat, deaf, drug-addicted hypocritical asshole who looks like a blubbery Mister Potato-Head.

Larry King came out as a mummy and as “in all honesty dead for quite a while now.”

George Burns came out as NOT dead, just really needing to take a break from all the touring and chain cigar-smoking.

Tom Cruise came out as a gay, couch-jumping, big-toothed nut-job/compulsive giggler. (Please don’t kill me, Tom Cruise. I have a kid.)

George Bush came out as Curious George, the Retarded Warmongering Monkey.

Snooki came out as an alcoholic, rage-prone slut with a brain the size and consistency of a wasabi pea.

Barack Obama came out as African… African-American, that is — motherfucker!

Can’t wait to hear more shocking news. Which reminds me, I think I’ll use this opportunity to come out as a whiskey-drinking mother-humpin’ redneck with scant tolerance for bigoted, Nazi-loving donkey-humpers. Kill the haters before they hate again! Hot damn!

What do you guys reckon? Heard any other juicy celeb revelations? Let me know in the comments section. I’m always looking for a scoop.

Share this:

Like this:

(Editor’s note: clicking on links can lead you to some crazy-offensive shit. You’ve been warned.)

Look: if you have a problem with this list, chances are you’re not a very good Christian. See, Jesus, if he ever did walk the Earth, totally loved everybody no matter what, something that a lot of so-called Christians have a hard time wrapping their tiny, dense, inbred, little minds around. Oh, and don’t forget the famous quote from the New Testament, when Jesus says: “Thou shalt have a sense of humor. If thou dost not have a sense of humor, thou can suck my holy chubby.” Or something like that.

Top 7 Reasons to Suspect Jesus May Have Been Gay

He was very well-muscled from long hours of stroking wood in his carpenter’s shop.

He had really great hair. It was very full bodied and never frizzy, indicating the use of some minty product.

He was excessively into the whole “bros before hoes” thing.

He told a bunch of dudes to eat his body and drink his blood. How gay is that?

On the cross he was heard to cry out: “This shade of wood doesn’t match my eyes!”

He never had sex with a woman.

He never had sex with a woman. Wait…did I already say that? Well, I reckon it deserves saying twice.

Hot damn!

And by the way, The Guardian actually has a serious article about gay Jesus, which you can read here.

What do you guys think? Was Jesus minty? Was he as straight as Randy “Macho Man” Savage (register irony)? Let me know in the comments section. Remember: Jesus would want you to leave a comment.

Today I serve up in a tall glass a special treat for your consumption: an exclusive interview with the lovely and talented Jenny Bolam Rauch, author of the now-famous, Freshly Pressed blog post “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today“, and author and Queen Bee of her own coffee-drenched, very engaging universe, AdorablyCaffeinated.com. If you haven’t yet visited her blog, nor read the Seinfeld piece, then do so right the hell now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Pretty great, huh?

As soon as I read Ms. Rauch’s blog, I just knew I had to get her to answer a pile of obnoxious questions. She’s been very obliging in this capacity, entrusting her safe-passage through Claytonlandia to yours truly. Enjoy the results of her incredible error in judgment. Hot damn!

I read the site HelloGiggles a lot, and one day (this past January) they posted that they were looking for someone to contribute a weekly column. I got really excited and wrote a few pieces to submit (one of which I made my first blog post) but I never heard back from them. I was super bummed, because I had had so much fun writing those pieces. When I realized how good it felt to write again, my friend Annie (who writes a lovely music blog over at hautethought.com) told me I should just start my own blog. So I did. And I don’t think I’ll stop because I just love writing. Plus, it’s comforting to know that people relate to the random craziness that goes on in my head, and I’m not just clinically deranged.

2. If you were a day of the week, which would it be and why?

Saturday. Specifically Saturday afternoon. It’s the most relaxing time in the week, because you have your whole evening and Sunday ahead of you, and you didn’t have to go to work.

3. What, besides coffee, inspires you? “My parents” isn’t an answer.

Everything inspires me. Anything from a really cool photograph, to an encounter with a stranger, a television show, a new haircut, or Call Me Maybe. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I write about some completely random shit.

4. Does Starbucks pay your rent? How much is your rent?

HA I wish they paid my rent—though I’ll settle for an unlimited Starbucks card. My rent is too much. Cost of living in DC is brutal. We are literally paying double of what my high school/college friends are paying in the Chicago area.

5. What inspired the famous “Seinfeld Episodes That Wouldn’t Work Today” post?

I actually originally wrote the inspiration in the post, but decided to take myself out of it a little more. Lucky I did, or I probably wouldn’t have gotten freshly pressed and we wouldn’t be having this conversation (?) right now. My sister was visiting, and while we were taking some time out of the sun, we were watching DVDs of season 2. I had had these thoughts before, just not at a time when I was blogging. I was sure I wasn’t the only one, so I decided to write about it.

6. Were you taken aback by the success it enjoyed? Are you now smug?

Honestly, I was taken aback a little bit. I had finished it really quickly before running off to a softball game and didn’t think it was my best work. The first time I was freshly pressed (for my breakup letter to How I Met Your Mother) it was humbling and exciting. This time it kind of made me hungry. Freshly pressed twice in less than five months? Yeah, maybe a little smug. Though [it’s more like]

‘more confident’ ☺

7. If you had to sleep with one Seinfeld character, whom would it be and why?

Well, not George because unlike Marisa Tomei, I’m not attracted to short bald men. Not Kramer, because well, just no. Jerry’s a little neurotic… I’m going to go with Elaine. She’d probably be best in the sack.

8. If you had to make out with a Starbucks coffee drink, which would it be and why?

Alex made me a drink one time that was half mocha, half white mocha, a little caramel and vanilla, and with half & half instead of regular milk. I can’t even describe to you how good it was. I wanted to marry it right in the store, and the way I slurped it up was basically a make-out session.

9. What’s your favorite movie? Justify your answer if necessary.

Crap. Umm. I love movies, so this is really hard for me. And it’s also hard to compare something like “Some Like It Hot” to “Can’t Hardly Wait” or “The Avengers”, all of which are amazing and very different. Ok. “America’s Sweethearts.” Final answer. I can’t help it. I know basically every line and I’m never not in a mood to watch it.

10. What’s your favorite color? Justify your answer no matter what.

Aqua. It looks great on me, and while I really love yellow, yellow sometimes gives me a headache and aqua never does.

11. If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would it be and why? Remember: Vampires and Zombies are neither living nor dead, so they’re verboten.

Abraham Lincoln. I want to find out if he really hunted vampires. Or Oprah, because well, she’s Oprah.

12. Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?

I’m not sure I know what that means. If you’re referring to steak, I like mine to be mooing. If this is some sort of dirty code, then I plead the 5th.

13. Boxers or briefs?

Haha I asked you this too. I like to wear boxers. The bunchy feeling they give me under my jeggings is really soothing.

14. Taco salad or foot-long hotdog? Remember: pig anus is delicious.

I love hot dogs. And nothing you say can change my mind. I’m eating three at the Nationals game tonight. Whaddup.

15. Gandhi or Darth Vader? Remember: Gandhi is smug.

Darth Vader all the way. Imagine how much more headway Gandhi would’ve gotten if he had been able to choke the opposition with the power of his mind.

16. What do you make of Adidas Shackle Shoes? Funnier than slavery?

One of my co-workers actually thinks they were modeled after some toy he had called “My Pet Monster.” Maybe the Germans aren’t as racist as we all think.

17. What do you think of Charlize Theron’s derriere? Better than Cheez Whiz?

I think she has a mighty fine hiney.

18. What superpower would you most like to have and why?

I’ve actually given this a lot of thought before. Answer is, bar none, teleportation. It would be such a time-saver. I could’ve walked on the beach in the South of France and been back in the time it took me to answer these interview questions.

19. Why did the chicken cross the mega-highway? Being gay isn’t why!

Well being gay would be a very good reason, but only if there was only opposite-sex chickens on his side of the highway, and a gaggle of same-sex chickens on the other side. I’m going to get philosophical and say he crossed it “because it was there.” Much like Everest.

Share this:

Like this:

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing schlitz. Or some horrific/informative schlitz. Depends on the link)

You ever just sit around and think about German sneaker-maker Adidas? I did, recently, when I came across a cute little idea those wacky Europeans had: a sneaker with prison-orange shackles that wrap around the wearer’s ankles.

“Uproariously tasteful, just like a Jesus-man-flesh sandwich.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: Who the heck could this possibly offend? Just because the shoes are obviously marketed to young black dudes, and just because black folks have endured rape, torture, and enslavement at the hands of white folks, and just because Germans haven’t always been awesome in terms of their human rights record, and just because the first thing you think of when you see the #@$!ing shoes is @#!$ing Kunta Kinte and whip-scarred backs and dead black folks on slave ships — well that’s no reason why anyone should be offended…right? Hot damn!

Among those not super-amused by Adidas was Jesse Jackson. In a statement, he said:

“The attempt to commercialize and make popular more than 200 years of human degradation, where blacks were considered three-fifths human by our Constitution is offensive, appalling and insensitive. Removing the chains from our ankles and placing them on our shoes is no progress. … These slave shoes are odious and we as a people should be called to resent and resist them.”

Come on, Jesse! Where’s your sense of humor? Wait — what’s that you say? You had it whipped out of you by a cheery white man that doesn’t care whether your young men rot in prison or die in storm drains? My bad!

The Happy Injun Shoe: Featuring, in place of a traditional tongue, an actual tongue belonging to a long-dead Indian, as well as real Indian-scalp fringe at the ankles. Perfect to wear on your next casino outing!

The Homesick Baby Shoe: Featuring the wonderfully elastic, durable skin of aborted human fetuses. What the savvy lady will be wearing to every baby shower this season!

The Lucky Lady Shoe: Featuring tasteful, one-of-a-kind blood-splatter on every pair. When you walk, the heels squeak: “Shut up, bitch.” The perfect anniversary present for the woman in your life!

What do you guys reckon? Adidas Shackle Shoe: good clean fun? Or a police truncheon up the ass? Let me know in the comments section. You! Yeah…you! Leave a damn comment! Hot damn.

Share this:

Like this:

You ever just sit around and think about Father’s Day? I didn’t get a chance to until this morning, seeing as how yesterday I decided to spend the whole waking day and sleeping night with my son.

So today, in honor of dads everywhere, I’m offering up a copy of Lisa Duggan’s lovely “Parent Du Jour” interview of yours truly. See the interview in its more glorious original form on Lisa’s great, ParentDuJour.com, a site serving up one mom and one dad every day, 365 days of the year.

CLAYTON DIGGS

No friend to a raccoon

From “A DAD A DAY” by Lisa Duggan

AGE:Can’t recall… thirty-something?

HOMETOWN:Nowhereville, in the Deep, Dark South.

@TWITTER:@claytondiggs

ON THE WEB:Clayton Diggs

NUMBER OF CHILDREN:One, though sometimes that one seems like a damn army.

DAY JOB:Unemployed / Getting hammered / Blogger slash writer

Bio:

“Clayton Diggs currently has several books of fiction in the works, soon to be available for general consumption for Kindle, Nook, and on Audible.com. His writing, like his blogs, shows flashes of the dulled rapier wit that has made Southern humor famous throughout the land. At this moment, Clayton isn’t available for comment because he just blasted another damned raccoon and is trying to skin it. If you’re following him on Twitter, you know this to be true. If you’re savvy on skinning raccoons, please do send him a message, or tweet him on Twitter. He’s getting kind of desperate, and when he’s desperate he takes to drinking, and when he takes to drinking, he often ends up in jail, and even though the sheriff is his cousin and will release him in the morning, it’s still not an experience he’s real keen on.”

Clayton Diggs, The Parent Du Jour, Father’s Day

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:Divorced

FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK What children’s book is a favorite in your house and why? What book has made a great impact on you or your kids? Was there/ is there a story that was passed down from generation to generation?

Is the Bartender’s Bible a children’s book? I’m almost kidding.

But junior does love the hell out of the iPad version of the Three Little Pigs. When the damn wolf falls into the pot of boiling water, the boy giggles like a simple fool. It’s cute, but kind of creepy too. Just the other day he boiled a big pot of water in my chimney and then kind of casually suggested I try using the front door less and the chimney more.A story passed down from generation to generation? Well, I do tell junior about how his uncle Remus blew his damn self up with a homemade still, which isn’t so much a lesson about not doing illegal shit as it is a lesson about how you really shouldn’t smoke around highly flammable stuff. Man, we do miss that old boy, though. RIP, you idiot.

HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?

I’ve got the boy four days of the week. Since I mostly just fix stuff around the property or diddle and fiddle around on the computer, I get to hang out with him the whole time I’ve got him, which is awesome. He’s a year and like eight months now, so he can walk and keep me company when I’m hammering in a fence post or he can pass me shotgun shells while I’m blasting a raccoon off the damn porch.

HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?

I think it’s made me drink more. When I’m really blitzed I tend to forget about all the ways that I feel totally inadequate as a dad.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?

Man, that’s a tough question. I guess it’s most every time when I imagine some stupid shit I did that could have gotten my kid maimed or killed. It’s amazing how many of those there are. Like, you leave a loaded bear trap just a little too close to the edge of the kitchen counter, you know?

WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?

All the times I didn’t get the kid maimed or killed. We’ve got a pretty good streak going, and that’s cool.

“I’m so cute it hurts. I’m so damn sweet I make you seem like a bull’s scrotum. Yeehah!”

And here, as a gift to hardworking dads everywhere, is The Charlize Theron Butt Poll 3. Remember: be honest. It’s the only path to personal growth.

“Help me! It happens that I might be a bit too delicious. Tobey Maguire’s mouth tastes like Leo DiCaprio’s anus.”

Share this:

Like this:

(Editor’s note: clicking on links might lead to insanely amusing schlitz. Or just informative schlitz. Depends on the link)

You ever sit around and just think about how the Emperor might well have no clothes? I did yesterday after I actually saw much-hyped alien horror flic Prometheus. Let me tell you something straight-up: the Emperor has NO @#$% CLOTHES!

Here’s what online aggregate-smart-machine Rottentomatoes had to say about Prometheus by way of critical consensus:

“Ridley Scott’s ambitious quasi-prequel to Alien may not answer all of its big questions, but it’s redeemed by its haunting visual grandeur and compelling performances — particularly Michael Fassbender as a fastidious android.”

May not answer ALL of it big questions? Alien, whaaaaaaaaaat? Alien, pleeeease! Not only weren’t there any answers, there weren’t any big questions either! The Emperor has no clothes! What the hell is wrong with you people?

Prometheus Reviewed, Charlize Theron’s Butt

How to put this… wait, I’ve got it: Prometheus is one of the stupidest, most overhyped, most boring pieces of crap ever to disgrace the silver screen. People who should be turned to alien slime puddles, though not necessarily in this order, include:

The film editor: Prometheus features some of the clumsiest single cuts ever seen in a non-amateur work. Also, the editor decided to yada yada Charlize Theron’s blonde-on-black sex scene with the ship’s captain.

The casting director: What was it, special discount day at the racial-ethnic potpourri Walmart? White, Asian, Black, Blonde, Irish Stepchild, Southern, Swedish, and more. Dude, this is an alien pic, not a @#$!ing Beneton commercial. You’re a moron.

The script writers: The script is wooden, nonsensical. “Faith” pops up now and again but feels like a last-minute addition, and not the central issue the writers intended, or should have intended, it to be. Oh, and if Charlize Theron angrily says “Jesus!” or “OMG!” just one more damn time, I’m gonna hurl green slime.

Noomi Rapace and Logan Marshall-Green: If there were any less sexual chemistry between these two, they’d be brother and sister. Well, that holds true so long as they don’t live in the Deep South.

Ridley Scott: The buck stops here. Sir Ridley, you’ve made a festering alien turd of a movie, dressed up in $130 million bucks of special effects and marketing hype. If you’re the Emperor, you most certainly are buck naked as the day you were born. Shrinkage!

Everyone else involved in the making of the film: You should all be ashamed. Go back to your home planet: Stupid Hyped Crappia.

Don’t see Prometheus. Just don’t. Not even on DVD. It’ll be two hours you can never get back from the vacuum of space, much as you’d like to. If you want good alien horror, you’d be better off painting yourself green, drinking a pint of turpentine, and swallowing a lit match before running around the neighborhood (naturally, I’m describing my Saturday nights). Shame on you, Ridley Scott, and shame on the film critics of the world for not seeing through this thin, under-realized pile of alien feces. Shame on you for taking the fees.

The Emperor has no clothes! Hell… you know what? It’s worse than that. The clothes have no Emperor. Hot damn!

Did you see Prometheus? Share your thoughts in the comments section. Also, be sure to take the Charlize Theron Butt Poll 2.

In case you’ve been living in an outer-space cave for the last few weeks, here’s what this month’s sort-of-Alien-prequel, $130 million dollar blockbuster is about:

Charlize Theron, wearing a grey, overly manly Star Trek getup, plays the badass Corporate Leader of the space-exploration vessel Prometheus, emotes The Matrix’s Morpheus in her smugness, and says crap to her crew like: “My job is to make sure you do yours.”

Anyway, between harsh quips from hottie Theron and mounting sexual tension between laconic android-thing Michael Fassbender (the creepiest looking pederast-candidate in Hollywood) and female crewmate Noomi Rapace (Sweden’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) – prompting audiences to wonder about android genital design – Prometheus makes its inevitable way toward some planet where the slimy origins of humanity are thought to be hanging out, shooting the slime, so to speak.

It’s no surprise, of course, when the expedition goes horribly, slimily wrong. The only thing no one can explain to me though is why, when the Prometheus exploratory crew sees a weird cobra like creature slithering out of a slimy tree trunk thing, one of them decides it’s time to try and make friends with the local slime-life.

Promethean 1: “Look, it’s an adorable cobra slime-thing. It’s so cute how it’s hissing at me and bobbing its head menacingly.”

Promethean 2: “Um. Dude, party foul. Now humanity is doomed to destruction. Total party foul. Um.”

You’ll never guess what happens next! The so clever Prometheus crew brings the slime monsters on board their floating space-home to see if they’ll make decent roommates. General disagreement ensues about what constitutes good roomie behavior. The humans, you see, feel that it’s rude of the slime monsters to invade a human body cavity and then rupture it from the inside like a bloody piñata. The slime monsters, for their part, politely insist that turning humans into exploding blood bombs of screaming misery is perfectly okay, kind of akin to borrowing a glass and milk from the communal space-fridge now and then. We can only hope they all find a way to make friends by the end of the pic, you know? It’s all about good-roomie communication!

Despite the fact that we’ve seen this exact space/horror thing a thousand times before, I’ve read that Prometheus serves up on a slimy platter a few surprises, such as the scene in which a woman performs a damn C-section on herself inside some kind of plastic auto-surgery tube. The surgery wound is closed up with big-ass metal staples and the slime-monster baby is gripped tight in a vise. Aww…how cute is that?

“It’s not exactly a traditional fetus,” says humanoid robot-thing Michael Fassbender (he’s chosen “Lawrence of Arabia”’s Peter O’Toole as his role model – for real). That is so funny! LOL! ROTFLMVAO! (Roll On The Floor Laugh My Vomiting Ass OFF!)

So yeah, I can’t wait to see this adorable sendup of MTV’s the Real World. It’s like the Real World, but in outer space. It’s The Real World, Aliens and Their Dumb Human Food.

LOL! ROTFLMVAO!

Well, amigos, that’s it for this week. I’ll write another bit when I’ve seen Prometheus. Hmmm… why do I feel like I already have? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to down a couple Mint Juleps with my new, friendly, slime-monster neighbors. That shouldn’t be problem, right? I mean, how bad can it be to become an exploding blood bomb of human misery? Hey, you’ve gotta make nice with the neighbors, you know!