My Son, the Procrastinator

Finding that delicate balance between love and discipline.

Our 11-year-old son has a wonderful personality and is very sensitive. However, we have a difficult time with nighttime and morning routines with him. He goes to sleep very late and naturally has a hard time getting up on time. I have repeatedly attempted to make charts, incentive plans, include him in brainstorming sessions on how we can implement a more effective routine. But now as he gets older, I am becoming increasingly frustrated with his behavior, to no avail. I am becoming that mother who raises her voice and gets shrill in order to see progress. This has become such an ingrained routine with him, that I fear we will have little chance at success.

My husband, who I turn to when I need help, does get involved, but also ends up being heavy handed and impatient with him. Our son seems to dawdle a lot and procrastinate. I feel that he is doing this to get negative attention. I must also tell you that this is a child who receives plenty of daily positive attention as he is a very beloved boy and is kindhearted, giving and very talented. Yet, I am really worried about how this is affecting our relationship with him since this is a daily occurrence. As he grows older, I also worry that his lack of zeal will become an awful habit, God forbid.

Any advice, suggestions, tips, or personal behavior modifications that I can implement would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

KF

My dear reader,

For whatever comfort it provides, your situation is ubiquitous, causing many frustrated parents similar feelings of distress and helplessness. Arguably, even as these dilemmas appear to be similar, every youngster is different, and parents need to assess and respond in ways that are appropriate and suit their individual child.

Having said that, here are some general observations:

1) Every human being is driven by the basic need for self- worth. We all need to feel that we matter and have something to offer. When that feeling is eclipsed by poor performance in school, lack of acceptance by friends, unrealistic expectations (either too high or too low) on part of parents or teachers, or self perceived inadequacies, the individual will resort to almost anything to fill the black hole within themselves.

The pathological extreme would be a state of mind marked by a break with reality that would impart psychotic delusions of grandeur -- thinking of oneself as a ruler, king or the Messiah. The thinking of psychologists is that often times the origin of this unfortunate mental state is a desperate attempt, even at the cost of one’s sanity, to gain a sense of self-worth. One cannot exist or function when he feels worthless and that life has no use for him.

2) What follows on the heels of the first point is what the Baal Shem Tov, master of the Chassidic movement, advised a parent who sought his counsel about a wayward child. The Baal Shem Tov exhorted him to “love him more.” Ordinarily this would seem counterintuitive, but in light of the above, we don’t want to confirm a child’s bad opinion of himself, nor make him think that to us he is unredeemable or a lost cause. Therefore, we should eschew or at least not visibly manifest a sense of disappointment or despair in our interactions with a young one.

Creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment is the imperative goal.

3) Whatever we do, the objective to bear in mind should be to keep the lines of communication open. As painful as it might be to resist rebuking, the last thing we want is for our child to feel that home and parents are not a safe place to share what is going on in his life. Creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment is the imperative goal. Hence, open conversations should be welcome.

Consider David, whose mother brought him in to discuss her concerns over recent behaviors. In private David shared that he could not communicate with his parents because they talked at him, not to him. There was no listening taking place. They had their preconceived ideas and impressions of what was happening and did not allow for openness in a hospitable environment. He could not share his feelings with them. Additionally he felt marginalized. He commented that there was no acknowledgement on their part at any time of any of the things he was doing right. The current situation, it seemed to him, cancelled out any good in their eyes. They saw him, in his estimation, exclusively as a “negative piece of work.”

4) At the same time, we do want to register our disapproval about the unacceptable behaviors displayed. This should be done without heavy drama. The conversations should focus on a reality check on the practicalities of the situation. It should be an exploration of where these behaviors are likely to lead -- the consequences down the line and the inevitable self destruction and lost opportunities that will in all likelihood result from actions that are not well considered and thought out. A very delicate balance has to be maintained. We must take care that the affect created by our interaction is one that carries the message of “You are too good, your potential is too great, you have too much to offer to stoop to this type of behavior regardless of what anyone else is doing."

My father-in- law of blessed memory raised five exemplary sons. One of his sons was questioned as to what his father’s magic formula had been. He replied that his father never belittled his sons. When they did something inappropriate, he would summon them and reprimand them with the words, “Es Past Nisht” -- It is not becoming of you. Disapproval was registered, but their dignity was left intact. A vote of confidence is a very powerful tool in forging positive relationships. My father-in-law's estimation of his sons provided ample motivation for them to move through life and its many challenges in a way that would not betray or disappoint their father’s faith in them.

5) Be aware as well, my dear reader, that your son, as a teenager, is groping for his identity. The phenomenon of the teenage years is being in that difficult and almost untenable place of still being a child, connected and enmeshed with parents, while at the same time seeking desperately to separate out and find one’s own place in the sun. It may appear to you as though nothing you say makes an impression, given the rolling of the eyes and shrugging of the shoulders. Be assured however that the words you speak will inevitably sink in and be a part of the innate wisdom that shape your child’s future life. Hopefully, that will happen before too much damage is done.

The words you speak will inevitably sink in and be a part of the innate wisdom that shape your child’s future life.

Our Sages explicate the verse in the Torah that states “And these words (teachings of the Torah) shall be upon your heart.” They ask the obvious question of why it is that the verse did not say “in your heart” but says “upon your heart”? After all, the Almighty’s directives would seem to be for us to integrate and to assimilate into our heart and not upon our heart. The explanation given is that the human condition is such that there are times when we are not ready or are downright resistant to truth and guidance, no matter how compelling it may be. Under these circumstances the words cannot enter or penetrate into our hearts. It is advisable therefore to simply put them out there upon our hearts so that down the line our hearts will hopefully open up and the wisdom will be there, ready to seep and inform our lives.

Similarly, dear reader, do not despair. Your words of guidance, given in a context of love, caring and affirmation of worth will down the line, resonate with your son.

6) Our Sages advise in dealing with children that need discipline that “the left hand should push away and the right hand should draw close.” Again it is about balance. The left hand that disciplines should take the form of establishing boundaries. Again, each case is individual but parents are entitled and should have rules in their home. They might include such things as smoking will not take place on these premises, curfews, etc. Whatever you think you can enforce without driving your son away should be done. The overriding objective at all times however should be to remain connected.

7) Seek professional help to support you and help you interact effectively with the situation. It would certainly be beneficial if your son would be open to talking to an objective party, either a professional or a mentor whom he admires.

As parents you might also network. There are many organizations that specialize in addressing the issues of potential children at risk.

As in all the many challenges of life, prayer is most powerful. Pouring our hearts out to the Almighty and enlisting His assistance has a dual purpose. It will be therapeutic for yourself as it will help you realize and recognize that you are not alone. And that just as we all care for our children, and you care for your son, our Heavenly parent cares about all of us, His children. And secondly, He is the omnipotent being who can make anything and everything happen!

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 11

(10)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2010 5:04 AM

My son is presently recovering from acute psychosis. When he was 14 we were told he was 'at risk' but noone told us at risk for what?(noone talks about psychosis-it is taboo).None of the professionals we had seen could put their finger on the problem . Two things stood out while reading this letter. one: mother and father do not see eye to eye on how to talk to their son-(this is of utmost importance and time must be spent discussing this) and two: it is of utmost importance to have faith in your son as well as faith in finding the right professional ---as long as it takes to get it right.. Hoping your son will not need this advice. Good luck!

(9)
Sharon,
May 31, 2010 6:53 AM

advice does not fit issue

The parents need to calm down. I know of many children who dawdle when preparing for bed, and while they might perform better in school with more sleep, this is far from a "terrible" problem. Parents need to prevent their relationship with their son from suffering. My ten year old goes to bed way too late and I am also often frustrated, but she is a wonderful child in most ways and she functions fairly well even with too little sleep. I let her read me a story if she is ready by a certain hour and that motivates her sometimes to be more efficient.
Dawdling is very common and maybe it serves some psychological function. When one matures, he becomes more responsible and uses his time for efficiently.

(8)
Rose,
May 25, 2010 10:21 PM

Frustrating article

This article did not address the points that the mother made. In fact, it seems like the mother anticipated every single one of R'Feige's points. This mother has done everything "right" and is still stuck. The only new suggestion in the article is to seek professional help which is usually a last resort and seems kind of overkill for typical pre-teen procrastination.

(7)
tobywil,
May 25, 2010 1:09 PM

thank you

Ess Past nisht, was one of my mother's (z"l) favorite expressions, thanx for reminding me, I haven't heard it in thirty years, great thoughtful and thought provoking parenting article, thank you,I am 77 years young, and I still procrastinate when I have something important to do , it's because I work best when under pressure just before a deadline. tobywil

(6)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2010 2:56 PM

maybe there is another problem

Maybe there is something more here. My 16 year old son fits your son's description when he was 11 years old. Does your son have trouble going to sleep and falling asleep?
If yes, there may be ADHD here. Not all kids with ADHD act up in class. My son is very bright and did well until 7 th grade. Nobody diagnosed his problem until the middle of 10th grade.
Good Luck!

Anonymous,
July 6, 2011 5:29 PM

teen newly diagnosed with ADD

Curious to see your comments, my son, 17, was recently diagnosed as ADD and started doing poorly in 8th grade... now, grade 11, he has dropped out of school. Like your son, mine is very bright - does very well on standardized tests... but hates school. Wondering how you and your son are coping. Thanks for writing your thoughts!

(5)
Rachel,
May 24, 2010 9:27 AM

big issues, little kids

when kids procrastinate, it's an immature way of dealing with a problem.
To teach him mature ways, model for him.
Say "I reached out for help to Rebetzen Twerski (may she live and be well) because I didn't know how to help you, and I love you, and I see you're suffering. This pattern isn't anyone's fault, but it's hurting all of us. I'd like if you reach out to me, or to someone else, to help sort out your part of it. Going to school or Minyan on time, is important, and I know you know that. Maybe some boys in school are doing the wrong thing, and that's upsetting you, or maybe you don't like Davening. These are things we can look for soulutions to, together. But if you just make an enemy out of me, I can't help you, and you can't even help yourself. I'm your friend. I love you. I'm always here for you."

(4)
Anonymous,
May 24, 2010 1:37 AM

we found a solution

we have a paper chocolate chip cookie for our 10 yr old son, with 10 chips. when he does something 'on time' a chip(s) is punched out with a hole puncher. he turns in fully punched out cookie for a priveledge such as 30 min of wii or staying up later, whatever. use as many cookies a day as you want to work with. works for us. good luck.

(3)
,
May 24, 2010 12:35 AM

Dear Mother,
I know with myself that often procrastination comes as a result of really dreading whatever it is that needs to be done. I find it a defense mechanism to deny in order to push off something unpleasant. Perhaps it is also worth trying to clarify with him whether there is something bothering him (such as school, friends) which causes him to procrastine so as to push off something he experiences as unpleasant for as long as possible in the morning?

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

Love comes from "giving to someone." When you do altruistic acts of kindness, you are giving the other person part of yourself. You will therefore feel love for the recipient of your acts of kindness - because you will find yourself included in the other person and you will identify with him. Just as you love yourself, so too will you love the other person.

The ultimate level to strive for is that even if someone wrongs you, you will view it the same as if someone's right hand accidentally cut their own left hand. Of course while you will try to prevent this from happening, you will not take revenge on your own hand!!

The degree of love as you have for yourself is the degree of love we should have for others.

Today, think of a specific person who would gain greatly from your being more giving. (If you can't think of anyone, that person might be you...)

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...