How to Set Boundaries with Others

Why don’t we set clear boundaries with our team members, friends, and family? Because it’s difficult, uncomfortable and we want people to like us. We don’t want to disappoint others, so instead we push aside our own wants and needs in the name of being nice. This happens when we don’t speak up when other people do things that we don’t like, or we say, “Yes” when we really mean “No.”

In the video Brene Brown on Boundariesshe
says when we let people get away with things that are not okay, we are
resentful and hateful. She also says that the most compassionate people have
clear boundaries. Setting boundaries means telling people what is okay and not
okay with us. This is the BIG
question she lives by: “What boundaries need to be in place for
me to stay in my integrity and make the most generous
assumptions about you?” I once heard a long time ago that we are better off not
doing something that we don’t want to do (or not going along with something
that we disagree with) just to please others because we become resentful and
take it out on the other person. Whereas when we set a boundary and say, “No”
we may feel guilty, and we become much kinder and more generous to the other person
in order to make up for it.

When someone asks us to do
something, we don’t have to automatically say, “Yes.” There are always four
possible responses available to us according to the book Leadership
and The Art of Conversationby
Kim H. Krisco:

Yes
= agreement

No
= disagreement

Renegotiate
= counter offer (“Here’s what I’m willing to do…”)

Commit
to commit = defer an answer until specific time in the future (“Let me check
my schedule and get back to you this afternoon.”

People learn what we are willing to put up with by what
we tolerate from them. Saying nothing sends the message that it’s okay with us.
Here are some ways to set boundaries with other people and be clear about what is
okay and not okay, rather than expecting them to read our minds or hoping they
will get the hint.

This
is okay with me… This is not okay with me…
(“It’s okay that you have a couple of drinks at my party. It’s not okay for you
to get sloppy drunk.”)

I
have a policy about… (“I have a policy about responding to
email/texts/phone calls after 6:00 pm. I don’t do it unless it’s an emergency
in order to spend quality time with my family.”

Please
don’t… (“Please don’t call me by that nickname. I
don’t like it.”)

I
don’t like it when… (“I don’t like it when people barge
into my office and interrupt me when I’m working without asking if it’s a good
time first.”)

Can
you please…? (“Can you please come back in an hour. I’m
in the middle of an urgent task that’s due in an hour.”)

That’s
not funny. (“That’s not funny. I don’t like those
types of jokes.” or “Putting people down
is not funny to me.”)

By setting clear
boundaries, we honor our wants, needs and values and stay true to ourselves
while being compassionate and generous to others. This preserves our integrity
and our relationships with other people.

“Daring to set boundaries is about
having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

“Compassionate
people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say
yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out
of resentment.”
– Brene Brown

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” – Brene Brown