Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Now instead of just acting like they fell out of a trailer they actually can!

Time’s a wastin’ so let’s jump right in and wrap our legs around this one!

What? Is it inappropriate to wrap your legs around someone (and make them carry you through a vineyard) on your first date?

Well, whatever, if Gia, queen of the most annoying laugh known to man, can do it, then I’m doing it to.

First Individual Date: The Vineyard

New York city girl, Gia was the lucky winner of this date, which was perfect because she’d “always wanted to go to a vineyard”.

Really?

She proclaimed early in the date that she used to be a huge, brutally bullied nerd.

So badly powned by her classmates that her parents took her outta school over it.

Guess that explains the enhancements.

Too bad there wasn’t something they could do about the whole baby talk thing…unless perhaps that’s part of her charm?

Anyway, she did some giggling, some hair tossing, and some kissing and bada bing, he gave her the rose.

Jake is so freakin’ easy I swear I could probably win him over.

Yeahright.

He doesn’t seem like he’d be into big, black, blogging, babes with belly bags, but maybe?!

Group Date: Pismo Beach

Dune buggies, Tenley being tossed down a cliff and eating a face full of sand sand surfing, Corrie and Jake chucking themselves awkwardly offa the dunes in a strange and awkward attempt to bond that really looked more painful than anything, followed by a nice fancy, get-the-sand-outta-your-ears-and-wear-a-tight-dress dinner.

Since there was so much cuckoo going on during it, let me just give you the highlights:

1. Ashleigh is NOT desperate. Never mind all the groping and rubbing and unreciprocated cuddling, she is NOT desperate, because she would never be “THAT girl”.

2. Ali is a biotch. I thought she was nice and sweet and cool at the beginning, but um, not so much. I’m surprised because I’m usually such a good judge of character. Like with Brittnie and her whole celibacy pact thingy, and Bill Clinton and his “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, and Milli Vanilli. What? Don’t lie, you believed all that crap too. Especially the Brittnie thing. I mean JT is SO easy to resist and she doesn’t look like a whore at all.

3. Tenley is growing on me. Even though she is way TOO nice for my tastes, at least it seems real. She seems like a genuine person who is just inexperienced and naive. That’s forgivable. It’s stupid and naive that bugs the crap outta me.

4. Vienna is not even trying. I’m convinced that having the girls hate her was part of her make-him-feel-sorry-for-me strategy. Too bad it backfired tonight as Jake sat her down and gave her a talking to in which he blamed her for being hated. You know, because it’s her fault.

5. Jake likes Tenley more than Corrie. Obviously because he gave her the freakin’ rose, idiot. Get over, at least you didn’t get sent home.

Two-on-One Date: Big Sur

In the red (or was that coat magenta?) corner we have single mom, hairstylist, already had a one-on-one-with-her-kid-as-a-sidekick date with Jake, Ella.

And, in the black corner (why didn’t they take their coats off at the dinner table?) we have, wait what was her name? The chick he doesn’t pay attention to at all? Oh yeah, Karen? No, KATHryn.

And, who came out the victor?

NEITHER!

That’s right people, in an unexpected twist (that I’m sure ABC loved) our fly boy sent both of the chicks packing.

I’m not surprised (because he probably didn’t want to be an instant dad to Ella’s kid and or Kathryn’s whipping boy since she basically jumped down his throat about being ignored), but both of them were.

Did he have to actually burn the rose, though?

That was a little too I’m-gonna-get-you-sucka creepy for me.

The Rose Party/Ceremony

Another action packed event for the Bachelor and his harem the girls.

I learned so much:

1. Don’t use air quotes. It is dumb and it makes you look dumb when you use them.

2. Don’t waste your one-on-one time with Jake dissing other chicks. It is dumb and it makes you look dumb when you don’t get a rose and they do.

3. Don’t be yourself (instead you should pretend to be nice like Ali does). It is dumb and you look dumb when you do it.

4. Don’t wear an ill fitting off the shoulder black dress. Refer to number one above for a clear explanation as to why.

5. Don’t be Ashleigh or Jessie.

Yep, instead of sending just one girl home, in the most emotional rose ceremony to date (sounded just like Chris, right), Jake stopped the rose ceremony to consult with Mister-I’m-more-than-just-a-host-I-make-the-rules-in-this-biotch-Chris Harrison and wound up kicking two of the ladies to the curb.

They showed their intense, righteous indignation in classic dissed and pissed Bachelor fashion, reminding me that in spite of the corny clichés and over exaggerated twists I really do love this freakin’ show.

Join us next week as Jake parties in San Fran with Gia (The Ex-Nerd Turned Swimsuit Model), Vienna (The Out of the Closet Biotch), Corrie (The Lucky She Didn’t Pull a Hammy or Break a Wrist on the Dunes Hopeful), Tenley (The Virtual Virgin), and Ali (The Closet Biotch).