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Want to talk about how to stave off codependency? Want to talk about giving great love without murking yourself out in the process? Want to talk about interconnected human need and generosity and having a beautifully disciplined heart?

Us at Rookie, too, all of the time. So we had a roundtable discussion about caring for others: How to be there for a friend who is going through a variety of issues/illnesses. How being there for someone dealing with something outside of their control (like, say, grief) is different from other circumstances. How to know when you need to take care of yourself first, when you’ve become too responsible for them or have become their therapist, and when something is outside of your realm of experience and you need to redirect them to someone more capable of giving them what they need. Lean on us, right this way!

AMY ROSE: When have you allowed people to rely on you in healthy ways, and vice versa? When have you done so to your own detriment? What was the difference between those situations?

CHANEL: In my teens, I definitely thought that helping out a friend was a life-or-death situation. That might sound bonkers, but it’s true. I felt like if I didn’t listen to them or check up on them, that they would abandon me. I was basically the smothering mother/helicopter parent/overeager therapist of my friend groups because I felt the need to remedy their situations. Looking back, I think I did that to really make sure that my friends were all right with me being their friend, because VALIDATION.

JAMIA: I am always genuine when I say I am here for friends and family. I have a natural capacity to be open to giving love and listening deeply. This is also my Achilles heel, because sometimes I try to fix things that aren’t mine to solve. I have tried to focus more on listening, asking open ended questions, and affirming those I love without jumping the gun and trying to fix everything.

AMY ROSE: I have let friends use me as “the only one that understands,” in all manners of what it is I was meant to be understanding: When people tell you that “no one else gets it,” “they have no one else,” they are, consciously or not, making you beholden to (a) a fucked sense of your-own-self as savior and benevolent caregiver, which is reductive and can hurt you in ways you might not realize until after and (b) their well-being: If you go away, they are stranded/alone/endangered. In the past, this has made me feel intense guilt and worry about living my own life and meeting my needs before attending to other people. I think expressing admiration for a close and beautiful bond between two people is great; I think attaching that to a system of need and expectation is abusive.

MEREDITH: I have dealt with debilitating anxiety since childhood, and it’s gotten much worse over the last two years of my life. Much of the time, I want to hide that fact from everyone—my family, partners, bandmates, friends—but occasionally it will become overwhelming, and I will turn to whomever I think I can trust. If I don’t, I feel like I’m going to explode, or have a heart attack and die, or something. But my friends are not trained professionals; they are not responsible for my feelings. Why would anyone want to spend their valuable time hearing me spiral through another round of paranoid nonsense? A lot of my friends have their own shit going on, and because I’m so sick, I don’t think they find me very reliable when they need someone. When I “come to” and start to feel better, I always feel embarrassed and ashamed to the point where it makes me sick. People usually end up abandoning me after my second or third episode. It’s hard for me to make friends, and even harder to keep them. Either I have to hide this part of myself completely, or face up to the fact that honesty often results in me being abandoned once people are tired of dealing with the 2 AM 10-in-a-row panicked texts. I know I am exhausting, and my behavior causes problems. It’s shameful and I wish with everything in my power that I could fix it, but I’ve tried countless treatments and so far, nothing has worked. Right now, I’m actively seeking treatment and trying to get better.

LOLA: <3 David Foster Wallace said something in an interview that I think of constantly:

Not that I’m DFW, but that point about the things that make you smarter being the ones that can make you die: I overthought and exceptionalized my experience (“I’m too smart to use a therapy word!”) with codependency or abusive dynamics, which prevented me from seeking help. I didn’t start healing until I realized that I was not above the cheesiest self-help books, not above Googling “signs of codependency,” or “attachment disorders,” and hitting up from the first result down. Off the top of my head: I have read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix like 10 times, Non-Violent Communication by Marshall “This Book Has a Sunflower on the Cover” Rosenberg like five times, and Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap by Janae Weinhold once, but a ridiculously helpful once. And here is a checklist.

I can totally relate to having the role of the empath/peacemaker/surrogate therapist/whatever you call it, and it’s tough. I guess you could say that people are quick to open up to me, but it’s a very rare thing that I will open up to anyone (except the internet or my journal, which are kind of similar to each other in some ways), even a therapist or someone like that. I just can’t handle all of the negative emotional energy that is generated in conflict (even if it is the “healthy” kind), so I try to fix problems so I won’t have to be exposed to so much communication friction. But it’s kinda hard to give myself a break, because if I don’t do anything, people will just start fighting again, and that’s no good. This was an interesting disscussion, and I’m happy that I got to read it and comment on it. I’m really excited for the new “give and take” issue coming out tommorow! :)

I’m always there for my friends, but I’ve rarely had to face a situation in which I’m the only one who knows about something or the only one who can understand. The more prevalent problem I face is when my more private friends refuse to share anything at all, even—and most especially—when it’s really bothering them. The challenge then is figuring out how to support my friends and let them know that I’m always available and ready to help when they need it without making them feel like I’m being invasive or nosy.

Oh my word – this roundtable immediately made me think of a conversation I had among good friends a few months back. We got onto the topic of love languages, which is basically this online test designed to help your SO/good friends understand what you’ll respond best to. The languages are: 1. Physical Touch, 2. Acts of Service, 3. Quality Time (Presence), 4. Gifts and 5. Words of Affirmation. I know it can sound hokey at first, but it’s truly amazing to know that while you’ve put all your energy into making someone a friendship collage, what they really want is to spend time with you or have you do their groceries, etc. etc. Between us, we hold very diverse preferences, which was surprising at first. Cannot recommend enough! <3 <3

I have had heaps of times when desperate friends have called me up or have told me something really serious. Often I just say what comes off the top of my head and most of the time i like having the ‘therapist’ role, but sometimes everything feels a bit out of your league and you want to tell them that you don’t know how to fix it but that you really care about them.

You guys honestly seem to hit the nail on the head every time… I’ve always struggled with the feeling of needing to be the therapist friend. I beat myself up when I fail to fulfill that position in a friendship (which literally seems to be every time). I’m never satisfied with what I have to say to a friend in need. The suggestion of an email/letter is a good idea, though! I think that would really reduce the amount of times I beat myself up over this stuff.

Oh my gosh this is perfect. I feel like when you have a “role,” amongst your group of friends or whatever social group you happen to be in – as the peacemaker, the smart one, the therapist etc. – it’s very, very hard to ever wriggle out of it. And when part of the “requirements,” for said role involves never asking for help, never admitting weakness, it becomes near-impossible to do these things.

Hi, my question is a related to the article you posted on Sisterhood. (I no longer have the option to comment). I am going to be a high school senior this year and I am applying to various HBCUs. I am really interested in Greek Life, but I have a strong sense of pride in wearing my hair natural and not applying heat to my hair. I’ve looked online at various probate videos, and have seen no girls rocking their natural natural hair. Is it possible to pledge and not apply heat to my hair?

Hi Zham, Congrats on getting ready to embark on your college adventure! I have had natural hair for years and it hasn’t been an issue with my sorority. I was natural when I pledged and everyone was affirming and supportive. Where are you planning on going? I think the culture of your school community will impact how (not) supportive they will be. I have seen more natural styles in urban/city setting HBCU’s, but this is changing. Chapters are often influenced by the cultural context they are in. I recall Hampton’s President banning cornrows and locs within the business school because he had antiquated notions about respectability politics and how professional black folks should present ourselves. This inspired outrage, and I’m glad it did. But with that said, I had three cousins go to Hampton with natural hair and thrive. I also applied there and toured there with natural hair and got in. I see more and more sisters with natural hair and it is becoming much more mainstream. If you do get any pushback it’s a great opportunity to talk with your sisters about our history and why embracing your natural texture is important to you. Most of our sororities started with service to our community and the world in mind, and discriminating against members because of hair isn’t a part of that mission. Wear your new sorority colors in that natural hair style with pride, sis! xx