December 18, 2007

I’m delighted that you want to “Respond”…this is such an important way of being with anyone when they challenge us and it is really difficult to respond and not react. Even if you don’t manage it all the time, keep practising because it will pay off in the end.

I imagine your partner could be afraid of being Wrong and probably feels insecure and probably does not have a lot of self-worth even if they seem to have loads of it.

Arguing isn’t useful, nor is any reaction to what they say…you are both right…you are right for you and they are right for them!

You are both different and you will have differences of opinion…it is really important for you both to allow each other to have a different opinion and let it go.

At the same time, it is important that you are considered by your partner as I imagine you consider them.

Listen to them…if they go on for a long time interject and ask how they are feeling…in fact, as you listen to them, notice if they seem angry or another feeling…I imagine they will be feeling hurt and concerned that you will take over even if that isn’t the case…they could be projecting one of their parents on to you who was strong and in control and always right! They may also be mirroring your own lack of self-worth.

You must love you first…you must listen to yourself first…you must do what it takes to love you.

When speaking with your partner, always stay calm…speak from your heart and not your emotions or your head…say “I feel …(whatever the emotion is and I imagine you feel hurt)” I would want to say “I feel hurt and that makes me want to protect myself by getting angry with you when you always want to be right and won’t even listen to me”…you might want to use your own words. Then ask them to listen to you as you have listened to them (of course, you must have already really heard them first).

If you have a copy of my book, there is a great exercise in Chapter 2, Being Who We Truly Are…start thinking about how you want your partner to be…think of someone in a film, play or book that would be the ideal model…notice what their qualities are and how they are with their partner.

Step into being that person’s partner and notice how you feel and how wonderful it is to feel really heard, respected and loved.

Now make that feeling bigger…and now make that feeling bigger still…really breathe into this wonderful feeling…notice how you are holding yourself, how you are standing or sitting, etc… really take notice of all the details.

Start imaging how you want your relationship to be with your partner…really see them discussing things with you and being with you in the way you truly want them to be… and you truly want to be treated… and how you truly want to be in the relationship.

Keep holding the image and say an affirmation…either the one in Chapter 2 or maybe “I am so happy and grateful now that I am in a wonderful, loving, caring, considerate relationship with ……(the name of your partner) in increasing quantities, through multiple sources on a continuous basis.” Choose the words that seem right for you and remember to use “considerate” or something that means the same because I imagine you want to be considered as you say that you see your loved one as needing to always be right.

December 13, 2007

This is one of the differences between men and women and therefore one of the challenges of having a loving, intimate and sexual relationship. And I don’t want to blanket men and women in this way because I do know that this does vary and can sometimes be the other way around.

So whoever wants to have sex and not make love, please read carefully and vice versa…I am going to refer to the man wanting sex and the woman wanting the emotional part too as this question is in that format.

I imagine your husband feels desperate in some way…step into his shoes and notice what and how you feel as him “grabbing” you…as I do this, I feel his desperation that he might be losing you, that you might no longer want him sexually, that you don’t find him attractive any more. Reassure him that you do love him and want him.

In fact, I would praise your husband for what he does well eg maybe he kisses you in the way you like. If you can’t find anything that he does well when you have sex, tell him what he does well in another area of your life together. This shows him that you do appreciate him and love him. Remember sex can make us all feel very vulnerable…men as well, afterall, he is at his most vulnerable when he orgasms just as you are. Just because he seems to want sex in a more basic way, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel very vulnerable at the moment of orgasm.

Notice how you are acting…are you trying to avoid him intimately, are you being sexy with him, are you communicating in other ways, are you loving towards him, are you more gentle or harsh than you used to be…really be honest with yourself and own what you are doing or not doing. It would be very brave of you and at the same time, very powerful to tell your husband what you’ve noticed you’re doing and how you want to change being that way.

This subject is sensitive and you are asking him to be sensitive with you by bringing in the “emotional part as well”. So show him how sensitive you can be…be a good role model. Tell him how much you love him and how you want sex to work well in your relationship. I have a whole chapter, Making Love Work, on this subject in my book.

It is important to tell your husband what you want…I’ve heard many say “But he/she should know” and I am ashamed to say that I heard myself say it too. I’ve also heard and said embarrssingly, “But it should be natural…they should do it because they want to.” However, if I was to ask you how you learned to walk, would you say “well I just knew what to do and I did it naturally”…I don’t think so.

When you were born you learned how to do everything from those around you…I do believe we used our intuiton more when we were younger…but everything else was learned by watching those around you and trying to copy…you probably held someone’s hand, held on to the furniture, fell down…you didn’t give up though, because you wanted to do what “They” were doing “Walking”.

It’s the same here…show your husband what you want as well as telling him…ask him if he’s willing to do what you want and be the way you want him to be when having sex. Ask him what he wants you to do and how he wants you to be…this is a two-way act of love/sex.

Suggest that you have some fun with it…laugh at yourself…never at him…laugh with him. Bring play into your sex life. Get away from the seriousness of what has happened…start again, right now.

Remember how it was in the beginning…of course, that’s if it was good then. Remember a film where you saw a couple making love the way you want to make love…become an actress and step into that role of the woman making love…feel what that’s like, notice your physical feelings and your emotional ones…notice if you’re doing anything different that you could learn from.

You can always fantasise, imagine being with your favourite movie star, maybe. You can do this before making love and/or during making love.

There are no rights or wrongs…it’s whatever is best for you and your loved one.

However, communicate, you must, otherwise you will lose out on what could be the most wonderful sex-life ever. See yourself as having that wonderful sex-life ever…feel it and go for it.

December 5, 2007

This is a great question because it seems to be a challenge for many couples and I’m often asked something similar.

If you can remember what it was like when you first met and/or were first living together, then you have started the process of maintaining the “New”.

What do I mean by this? Using all or some of your senses (ie hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, touching and hearing) and all your faculties (ie imagination, memory, will, intuition, perception and reason) to build a picture or sense of what you had at the beginning, maybe changing it if you feel (intuit and perceive) that it would benefit from change, using your will to hold that image and or sense (not everyone can see a picture) and really bringing it into your whole being with your senses, reason and body.

So…go back to that time when your relationship was “New” with your imagination and your memory…get a vivid image using all or some or one of the above senses…

Now, I would invite you to step into yourself in the memory…be as that memory of yourself would be…either standing, sitting, etc.

Notice how you feel (yes really be an actor stepping into a role on a stage and feel it in the present) especially your emotions.

What do you see…where are you…what does your loved one look like, what is he wearing,

What do you look like, what are you wearing, especially what you have on your feet, etc?

What do you hear…what is happening around you, what are you saying, what is your loved one saying, etc?

What do you smell…maybe your perfume, his aftershave/cologne, hair, clothes, maybe what’s in the environment like flowers, etc?

What can you taste…if you’re by the sea maybe you can taste the salty air, you loved one’s skin, lips, etc?

November 27, 2007

I believe you know the answer…in fact you seem to be answering your question in part.

You cannot change your wife, only she can do that and only if she wants to.

However I believe she will change if you change…or is it that when you change, she appears different to you? It doesn’t matter as long as it works.

Being in control is not wrong…you just need to be completely in control of yourself…not your wife.

It’s about loving yourself enough to let go of your need for her to be a certain way…
Start focusing on yourself…start becoming aware of what you feel immediately before you want your wife to do or say something differently…notice where you feel it in your body…

This may be a challenge but start loving that part of your body…
Notice the emotion and own it…admit it to yourself first…
Then tell your wife “I feel…(whatever the emotion is)…
I imagine you might feel angry but I also imagine you might feel hurt underneath the anger.

Quite often when we have a need to control (and believe you me, I was a controller once and still have to watch myself) we are polarising away from a very vulnerable feeling…our anger defends that vulnerable part of us…

You, like me, probably had to do this to protect yourself when you were younger…that was extremely necessary and the way you had to survive and I have to say “Well done you” because you’re still here and you did survive…many of us need to develop a survival kit in order to grow up and not wither away and die.

However when we do grow up this survival kit gets in the way of an open, loving, unconditional relationship…we really don’t need the kit anymore but it’s become a habit that is hard to let go of…

In order to let go of it, you have to be prepared to become vulnerable…this is a real challenge, as that vulnerable feeling is what you were protecting with your control.

I would suggest that to begin with, you just start to really become aware of yourself in a new way…start owning to yourself your vulnerable hurt, painful feelings (for some these feelings are joy and love…they are not always sadness, etc)…by this I mean saying to yourself…”OK I feel angry…why do I feel angry, what’s underneath this anger”…start noticing that…it might be “I feel hurt”…

Your wife did not hurt you…only you can feel this for yourself…what she did was said or did something that reminded you of a past experience and feeling which you don’t like…

I would like to suggest that as soon as you feel able to, start telling your wife “I feel….(hurt maybe or whatever that vulnerable feeling is)”

This is not easy however, by asking the question you are on your way…keep going and as Winston Churchill said…NEVER GIVE UP!

November 26, 2007

If you feel it has or is going that way…don’t despair…help is here…

I know in my marriage, I was an ostrich and buried my head in the sand when my relationship started to go downhill and when it had gone too far I was full of blame because my husband had had affairs. I imagine he was blaming me to have had the affairs.

Both of us met at a time when we were looking for different relationships…I was wanting someone not like my father and he was looking for someone not like his mother. We were different but guess what, we had similar parts to my father and his mother inside us which came out more because of the way we were interracting with each other. We hadn’t changed our shape, our way of being and yet we wanted someone different.

Now this is true of relationships with loved ones…if you were to split up you must change your shape, your way of being, or you will get someone very similar even though they may not appear so to begin with. It is not to do with them, it is to do with you, how you feel, how you communicate, how you respond or react, how you listen, how you give and receive, how much you are aware, how much you are true to yourself, how much self-worth you have, how much you want to make love work, how grateful you are, how, if at all, you’ve moved on from past relationships.

It is far better to work with the relationship you already have and to improve or maintain it. So many of us, including me, have thought that once married, that’s it forever but guess what, forever is like a piece of string…how long is a piece of string? Forever may be one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year, ten years, eighty years…you just don’t know what might happen on the one hand and you don’t know how you will be with each other as you both grow and evolve. You may do this together or separately but change does happen.

Unfortunately two years, if you’re lucky, seems to be the benchmark for relationships changing and then there’s that awful saying “the seven year itch”…so you have to put energy into your relationship.

I say energy because effort implies hard work…if you love your loved one, it really shouldn’t be hard work but energy is a must.

If you would like to hear how you can keep your flame going, I have a FREE teleseminar this Wednesday 28 November at 4 pm NY time ie 9 pm UK time. So please click here to sign up. It’s just the cost of a long distance call unless you have a cheap system like Skype which costs nothing.

November 21, 2007

Before I answer your question, I want to check that you are aware of and taking care of your own needs in your relationship because when you have met all your own needs and therefore loving yourself, you will have more to give to your wife.

To become consciously aware of your wife’s needs, you must be consciously aware of your needs.

If you’re not already, start noticing how you feel in all areas…eg…emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually…

Ask yourself the question “What do I want?” in each area and take care of that want…then move out with your awareness to your wife and how she looks, acts and speaks…start to notice what she isn’t saying as well as what she is saying, etc.

You might want to ask yourself, “How can I support her?” Better still, ask your wife…talk to her about it. Your question is a need/want of yours so be willing to ask your wife and encourage her to tell you. Remember, she may not know to begin with however in time she will.

By telling your wife what your needs are and how you want her support, you are role modelling, showing her that if it’s OK for you, it’s OK for her to do the same.

One of things many women do, including me I’m embarrassed to say, is expect our loved one’s to be mind readers…quite often if you try to work it out for yourself, you could make the wrong assumption and I talk a lot about this in my book “Rekindle the Magic In Your Relationship ~ Making Love Work” …I know you have a copy. Don’t make assumptions…always check out what you think is happening or what you think your wife wants.

Make time to sit down and talk each day…this is powerful…

To make it even more powerful…take it in turns to speak what you feel, want and need…what’s going on for each of you…where you are…where you’re going. It doesn’t have to be all of this…it may only be one thing.

You will become more consciously aware as you do this exercise together…

The person not speaking, must listen…be present…no interruption…don’t be tempted to say something…don’t be tempted to nod your head or shake it…

As you listen, look at her…take in all of her…what is her body saying…what are her eyes saying…what is she really saying…what isn’t she saying?

Then when each of you have said what you need to say (time it…at least 2 min each to start with) then feed back to each other what you heard and felt…again really listening to each other with the whole of yourselves…don’t interrupt etc…be open to the feedback and notice how you feel when you are really seen and heard. Again, take the same amount of time (at least 2 min each).

After this you can each say how that was for you… maybe what you learnt…what you gained…what you’ve realised…what you’re going to do…how you’re going to be…whatever it is for you in that moment.

It’s wonderful that you want to be consciously aware of your wife’s needs and you will be the more you become more consciously aware of your own needs and you Communicate Effectively (a chapter in my book) with your wife.

November 12, 2007

I imagine that you have been growing through personal development and your partner has stayed where he is.

You cannot change your partner, however you can encourage him to grow by…

…showing him how your growing has helped you and even better, helped your relationship with him…I mean really own how you’ve grown and demonstrate it in your life and in particular, your relationship with your partner…in other words, acting differently than you did before your growth that benefits you and your partner…

…telling him how you feel emotionally because he stays the same…you might want to add how it affects you…eg “I feel hurt (maybe unloved, maybe angry, maybe another emotion) because I don’t think you want to grow with me”

…telling him how you see your relationship being if he were to grow…however remember to stay with you and how you see it from your perspective

Whatever you say…

You must be aware of how you feel,
How it’s affecting you,
How you are different in the relationship because he’s not growing,
How you see the relationship if he were to grow

The last point is the most important point…

You must see the relationship as if he had already grown and see the relationship exactly how you want it to be…

Step into the picture and really feel what it’s like to be in that relationship and

Start acting that way in your life right now.

Remember you cannot make him do anything…however he can change by you changing.

November 7, 2007

Life goes up and down…this is normal…if everything went smoothly, I think we’d all be bored.

If you are a man, please transpose “him”, etc with “her” etc.

I believe you can have the relationship you want…you must put energy into it…you must know what you want…what is a perfect relationship for you? If you find yourself saying “I don’t want …(maybe, “him to shout at me” or maybe, “him to pick his feet”)” find the polar opposite, what you do want, because if you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll get more of that…you must focus on what you do want (maybe, “I want him to be calm with me” or maybe, “I want him to buy me flowers everyweek”)…be specific and see him being like this or doing what you want him to do.

Everyone’s idea of a perfect relationship is different…we are all different and need different things in a relationship…start to use your imagination and image how you want your relationship to be…you must feel it both physically and emotionally as well…so do some acting and step into the role in your image-world and imagine your loved one with you…notice how you feel emotionally, how you feel physically, what you can smell, taste, hear and touch and what you are wearing, especially what you have on your feet.

Start really acting in your everyday life like you do in the image…if you don’t have a loved one right now, pretend you have one and act like this with everyone …except of course if your image is about making love…then you probably won’t want to practise this with everyone! But there again you might! :). There are no rights or wrongs…it really is whatever you want in your relationship and/or how you want your relationship to be and/or how you want to be and/or how you want your loved one to be.

If you have difficulty knowing what you want, watch and think of some films or plays you’ve seen where you have thought “I’d like that in my love life” or “that’s the way I’d like my loved one to be” or “I want to be like that” or something along those lines.

You may have read a book in which there is a couple in a scene you like…what did you like…is it something you’d like to be or have.

Don’t forget you may have friends who have the relationship you’d like…or you may like bits of their relationship…you can piece lots of good bits of relationships together.

So, to recap…you must know what you want…image how you want your relationship to be…act as if you are in that relationship…make sure you use all your senses and faculties.

November 5, 2007

First of all…you are talking about wanting a good relationship for single moms…it is really important to change your words if it is “you” who wants the good relationship which I imagine it is…your question could have started “How do I, a single mom from a dysfunctional family…?”

The next thing is to stop referring to yourself as a single mom from a dysfunctional family…that may be your history but each time you refer to it, it becomes your present…if you change your present – you mould your future. Start seeing yourself as building a good relationship and start thinking of yourself in a good relationship…

Imagine yourself in one now…how would you refer to yourself in a relationship…maybe “I am so happy and grateful now that I am in a wonderful relationship with my loved one” …

This would be great for those in a relationship to say as well. I give 10 affirmations in my book which are very useful…one for each chapter. One of these affirmations is with the FREE chapter.

I imagine you only want one loved one…so don’t think of finding good candidates…think of and imagine having the right one…now you need to know what his qualities are and find them in yourself…as you give to and act that way yourself, you will receive that…start imaging the scenes you want to play in …you are the Star in your own film.

You must also be the producer…start producing…find the script and scenes your want…look at other people around you in good relationships…what is it you like…what do you want…how do you want him to be…how do you want to be…look at films with relationships in…what do you like…what do you want to copy…don’t forget books…stories of couples…your imagination is powerful…use it.

All the above goes for anyone in a relationship too…you can make your relationship richer and better with the power of your mind and acting on it.

November 2, 2007

It is very important that you make time to focus on your love life…and at the same time, you have a common interest in your work, so many couples find that a challenge. Whatever I say below does depend on the type of work you do, so if mornings or afternoons would be easier than evenings, please substitute as necessary.

The first thing I would suggest is that you really feel grateful for the common interest and then you will feel good about your work rather than finding it a challenge. By focusing on the gratitude, you could find yourselves naturally finding time to focus on your love life because it shifts your emotions.

However, you could make sure you both stop work at the same time as each other…if you’re at home, make sure you close the office door behind you at a certain time each evening…if this will be challenging, take small steps and start with one evening a week…

Have at least one meal a day together, where you sit, eat and talk to each other about you, your relationship, how you’re feeling, particularly emotionally, what your needs are, etc. You both have to eat, so this would be a wonderful beginning.

One of the most powerful things a couple can do is to take time out to sit and face each other…to start with, one talking for 2 mins (you can increase this when it becomes easier) and the other listening with their whole being, not just their ears, their whole awareness – senses and faculties – without nodding or shaking their head or saying “Yes” “No” or anything else…then you swap over and the other one talks for the same amount of time while the first one listens…afterwards both of you feeds back for 2 mins each what you heard, felt, understood and maybe ask how you might help…you could then discuss it for another 4 mins. So to begin with, the time take would be 12 mins in total.

Remember, this isn’t a time for blame…take responsibility and say how you feel emotionally…this may make you feel vulnerable however it is wonderful for the relationship.

As to actually how you should make time, it is really up to you…if you want to, you will.

Imagine what you want your relationship to be like…see it in your imagination…feel yourself in that sort of relationship…notice what that’s like…notice what you are wearing and what you have on your feet…as you do this, touch a part of your body that would help you remember what you want your relationship to be like…then you can recall it at any time…it’s got to be a relationship that you really want, so that you want to make time to build it.

Come together and talk about each other’s vision…if there are common bits…build on them…see how you can work towards both of you getting the relationship you want…it may mean compromising on some things however make sure you stay true to yourself…your core values.

Although I would leave your visioning up to you, I would like to suggest that you think of taking time out and going away, even if it’s just for a day together…then stretch it to a weekend away…you can really rekindle your relationship this way.

A dinner out once a week would be excellent too…I have found getting out of the house when working from home very important. Even when I went out to work my ex-husband and I would sit in the car outside the house and talk or go to a restaurant and talk because once we got inside, we just got busy. When our children came along, we stopped doing this…we didn’t take time out for ourselves to talk about us…this contributed to our demise.