Buchanan Unveils Progressive Poverty Plan
Reform Party President Pat Buchanan both unveiled and
immediately implemented his progressive plan, today, to
lift ALL Americans completely out of poverty, forever.

"If you buncha poverty-stricken losers out there don't
just get your damn asses the fuck out of poverty, right
now!!" he told all poor Americans out there on national
primetime TV, "I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!!"

He then thanked the American people and went back to
playing with his SS action figures.

Gore to "Get All Weird";
Changes Name to Weird Al
Even though the election was over months ago and Pat
Buchanan won in a landslide, Al Gore is still running
and has come up with a whole new campaign strategy.

"Somehow, I've just suddenly gone all weird," Gore told
reporters, as he blew little saliva bubbles off his
tongue, into the air, in between words, as he spoke.
"Call me Weird Al. I'm just weeeeeird. Whoooa! What's
that?! Hey! Whooooooa! I'm all weird. So vote for
me, and I promise to make America go all weird too."

Giuliani Calls For End To All Thought
Mayor Rudy Giuliani has publicly called for an end to
all thought. "Thought just gets in the way of me doing
what I know is right," he told the American people on
national television yesterday.

Appearing on a string of television shows, Giuliani also
totally denied that he was making a big deal out of this
elephant dung thing just so he could appear on a string
of television shows.

He also told Sam Donalson that, "Paramount Pictures is a
unit of Viacom Inc. (NYSE:VIA) Warner Bros. is a unit of
Time Warner Inc. (NYSE:TWX) Columbia Pictures is a unit
of Sony Corp. (NYSE:SNE) Hollywood Pictures is a unit of
Walt Disney Co. Universal Pictures is a unit of Seagram
Co. Ltd. DreamWorks SKG is privately held. Twentieth
Century Fox is a unit of Fox Entertainment Group Inc.
(NYSE:FOX) The North American box office market
consists of the United States and Canada."

Various animal groups picketed the studios where
Giuliani appeared, protesting all the air time elephant
dung was getting, and demanding equal air time for the
dung of their own species.

Amazon.com (AMZN) announced Monday it will become one of
the first e-commerce companies to admit that e-commerce
just fucking, you know, isn't ever really gonna be as
hot as everybody still pretends to think it's gonna be,
and will immediately get the fuck out of the whole
e-commerce thing and get into something useful like
predicting earthquakes, tidal waves, nuclear accidents,
and asteroids colliding with earth.

SEISMOLOGY
Next major California quake now scheduled for Oct 15

DAMAGE
MMM-DD-YYYY [date deleted on 10/19/99 to be
auctioned off on eBay ]
California quake aftershock scheduled to cause more damage than original quake

TECHNOLOGY
Commodore-64 turns out to be all the computer anybody ever needed