Tuesday, October 23, 2007

We've had some fun at the expense of Pats fans lately. But I've always been of the mind that the Patriots and their fans are simply annoying. Really, really, really fucking annoying. But little more than that.

But Gregggggg Easterbrook, with whom we have had our fair share of fun in the past, would like to go one step further. Easterbrook believes that the Patriots are literally offspring of Lucifer himself. No doubt because they stay up past midnight. It’s nearly impossible to convey just how douchey this column is, but let me just give you a taste of Easterbrook’s stern sermonizing from today, in which he treats the Pats as if they masturbate with crucifixes and the Colts as if they poop rainbows.

Argument for the Indianapolis Colts as paladins who carry the banner of that which is beneficent: Sportsmanship, honesty, modesty, devotion to community, embrace of traditional small-town life, belief in higher power, even love of laughter.

I’m pretty sure Easterbrook and Peter King could fight to the death regarding who leads the league in laughter. The rest of this paragraph borders on the completely insane. The Colts embrace small-town life? What the fuck does that even mean? They were drafted to play in that piece of shit town. And it's not small. It's a major fucking metropolitan area. Do they listen to more John Mellencamp than the Patriots as well? I don't see any Colts helping Barney Fife lock up winos at the county clink. I don't see them delivering fresh pecan pies to my windowsill.

And they believe in a higher power? All of them? Who fucking cares? I’m assuming then that the Patriots enjoy carving pentagrams in the earth and then slaughtering lambs in them. Witness this passage about Tom Brady:

That constant smirk on Brady's face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, "I'm hiding something."

When I think of Tom Brady, I think of many things: bounties, chin clefts, great hair, Gisele’s crotch, my raging inferiority complex... I rarely think of Dick Cheney. What’s Tom Brady hiding, apart from the two or three other bastard children in his arsenal? I’m guessing not much. I’ve heard Brady speak on TV. He ain’t exactly Mr. Cunning, if you get my drift. He’s Californian, for God’s sake. The reason he reminds people of Joe Montana is because of the vacant staring.

I haven’t read Easterbrook in quite a while. When the fuck did he completely lose his mind?

What the fuck? I read that article and almost gagged... it's like Easterbrook decided to become more idiotic than Bill Simmons, but on the other side of the spectrum.

So in summary, the Patriots trying to preserve a comfortable margin of victory = bad, but the Texans coming back from 32-7 in the 4th quarter with the immortal sage rosenfelds and CFL retreads = AWESOME.

Yup this has nothing to do with the thread, but my phone just rang and as I picked it up I hear, "hell, this is Assbag McFuckstick manager of your local Domino's Pizza, this week are specials are..." Domino's is recording their managers and setting auto-dialers to dial numbers. WTF. They can all burn in hell with the Patriots. Assjacks.

Hate him. There is maybe, one small nugget of football knowledge that comes out like once every 6 weeks, but aside from that it is a bunch of stupidity. Sad thing is that my friends love him. I would have killed myself this week after reading that if it wasn't for you BDD.

i've never found easterdouche entertaining or particularly informative, but i'd always had a marginal respect for his writing ability. however, using facial expressions to compare the inner-workings of an idiot-savant and a snarling colonialist is pretty much impossible to pull off in the written word.

Jesus it's like he stole the idea from your previous Easterbrook column!

I Actually Also Wrote This In A Football Column: First, it's long been clear that (Bill) Parcells is an egomaniac in both the casual and, perhaps, clinical senses of that word. Lately he's gone downhill to simply becoming a nasty person, spitting and snarling at everyone around him. What's Parcells going to do next, demand worship? When I look at Parcells, the phrase that comes to mind is "failed human being." (A failed human being who has won two championships and will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame one day. But has he ever discussed free trade agreements? TMQ does not like equating succeeding with success.)

Gregg Easterbrook is one of the same guys who brought you the Iraq war, by relentlessly cheerleading it at his day job as a columnist for the New Republic. he couldn't get off the knob of the Bush administration then.

though i do like the idea of the Patriots tormenting him so. maybe if they go undefeated he'll shit out his mouth. you might not be able to tell the difference.

The Colts represent much class with the whole "idiot kicker" thing, Manning screwing over his O-line, the constant bitching about pass interferences. Please, G-reg is just guilty of trying to force yet another angle on this much-hyped matchup. I can't wait for the ombudsman to fuck this cum receptacle yet again.

You're missing the positive of this: between yesterday's (deserved) "Everything about Boston--except the Pixie's--sucks" column, and today's "The Patriots caused 9/11" column, Simmons has probably flown into a rage and killed whoever it was he was blowing at the time..*

Either JBug, Jimmy Kimmel, or the Sports Gal. There's no way to be sure.

And the "embrace of traditional small-town life" usually entails alcoholism, unwed pregnancy followed by a quick marriage and dragging non-white people behind your truck. At least it does where I'm from.

easterbrook has been praising the patriots' "team spirit" non-stop for years. he's praised the players, the coaching, everything. I can't be bothered to go back and read, but I'm sure he's had many nice things to say about brady. even if you think belichek is a cheating douchebag, how is the whole team now suddenly the incarnation of evil?

ps, back when easterbrook started I thought he was funny and insightful (to be fair, I didn't know jack about football; I also used to think his political writing was good). now I think he is mostly neither. did I change or did he?

And I guess now is as good a time as any to remind GGGGGGGreggggg E. that Wade Phillips called a timeout at the 1:48 mark in the 4th quarter vs. the Pats 2 weeks ago, thus earning the Eckel neck-stomping rushing TD.

If it weren't for that timeout, would the Pats have started repenting and now be going to church with Tony Dungy every Sunday before kickoff and Belichick confessing his cheating sins to the priest? Somehow I doubt it, but if it makes Easterdouche more insane to think that would have happened, I am all for it.

But don't get too wound up about it. This 'running up the score' bullshit only means something to limp-dicked geeks like Gagg Easterbrook; guys who're used to half of Chocolate City runnin' up in their wives.