January 28, 2009

Jacksonville is a town that owes its legacy to Journey–or at least to Randy Jackson–if we’re to believe the introduction to last night’s auditions, set to “Don’t Stop Believing.” But since Randy’s not even from Florida, by Idol‘s logic, Jacksonville owes just as much to me as it does to their gastric-bypass spokesmodel–er, judge.

I’m even more convinced that Idol is sending me a message when one of the first auditioners is a Sharon from Jacksonville. So close! And she sings exactly what I would have sung: the Carpenters’ “Superstar”! She definitely sings better than I can, but that’s not saying much, especially when she infuses Karen’s earnest tone with a Britney-like “bay-bay.” (As in, “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me, bay-bay, uh-uh-uh,” hip-thrust.) But the judges overlook Sharon’s faux pas because Paula and Kara start fake making out. But wait! Kara’s shirt falls from the top, she’s gotta pick it back up, and WHOA there’s some boobage. “I never thought that on live television I would have a moment like that,” she confesses. And that’s because your boobs weren’t even on television until two weeks ago. And boy, were we missing out.

Boobage aside, Kara’s wearing another choker and is not quite rocking about a pound of purple eyeshadow. Girl needs some variety. She has, however, toned down the bitchface this week, instead letting her lust for sex and power guide her. She gives out lots of Yesses and a couple hugs, all but begs Simon to kiss her, and later she feels up Seacrest after demanding he mount her. Power is known to make people horny, and Kara’s no exception. We’ve all seen the way Barack looks at Michelle. Same deal, except Kara’s got a lot of Michelles.

There’s judge drama, as usual, as previewed before a commercial–something about Paula getting up and leaving during Miss Florida Latina USA’s audition. She and the beauty queen (Julissa Veloz) go behind the screen and make some ecstatic girly noises. In another pre-commercial teaser, Idol lets us know that they cannot tell the difference between young black girls. In fact, the two 16-year-olds in question have radically different voices and neither is particularly good. But Jasmin, the one who’s subtly prettier, seems to impress the judges with “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” There is something so irritating about her voice… sounds like Fergie’s, that’s it! Jasmine gets four nods of approval.

There’s also a sob story, billed as “a real moment of truth.” In a later teaser, they explain further, “Michael breaks under pressure,” and finally, “Will Michael Perelli survive?” Are they referring to starvation? Lost health benefits? Runaway pet? Nope. This tearful 18-year-old busker, who looks like a lesbian biker chick and sings Third Eye Blind with a British accent, freaks himself out while the judges deliberate, and ends up talking himself out of a shot at Hollywood. When his mom tries to console him, he snaps at her and Seacrest, ever the mama’s boy, scolds Michael. Not a good look when even Ryan is disappointed in you.

Michael Perelli, a lesbian biker-chick lookalike who snaps at his mom on national TV

But Seacrest also has a wonderfully awkward exchange with George Ramirez, a rejected 40-year-old lumberjack pretending to be an 18-year-old physics student. It goes like this:

Yeesh. We end the night with TK (that’s his name). TK’s got this gentle, George Huff-style (Season 3) cutiepatootieness about him, and in the ultimate affront to David Archuleta fans, he auditions with “Imagine,” Archie’s glory song! And like Archie, TK’s got the runs. I mean, he flourishes and improvises and all that jazz, and the judges call him on it. “You were inspired by David Archuleta,” says Paula, and that’s enough to make Simon say no. But all the other judges were suckers for last season’s biggest loser, so the Black Archuleta goes to Hollywood.

Ultimately 16 folks get a Golden Ticket out of 12,000. Simon says Jacksonville sucked. Tomorrow’s teaser: “We travel to Salt Lake City. It’s the home of David Archuleta. But are all the people as clean cut?” With that, a grown Daniel Lipnicki flashes the camera with his man-boobs. (I think it’s the same guy they show later busting out a tune on his Guitar Hero.) Otherwise, we’ll get Mormons, a man in a bunny suit, and “Salt Lake City’s only goth.” Can’t wait.–Sharyn Jackson