Wednesday, 29 February 2012

My week off

I'm having a holiday from being a stay at home mum. I cannot wait and am so giddy with excitement. Apart for one night in the first week of her life where I ended up in hospital with high blood pressure, I've never spent a night away from my child. Sure there have been times when someone else has looked after her - notably when I had tonsillitis a few Xmas' ago and hubby had to look after her. But physically, I was there and she saw me every day. This will be the first real holiday I've had - I'm going home for 7 days alone without hubby or daughter.
I seriously need to recharge my batteries and to find some sense of self. I love being a mum but my god, sometimes it's the most boring job in the world. And the GUILT, no one ever tells you about the guilt that you feel when you are not feeding them right, dressing them right, taking them to the right clubs, getting them into the best school, being up on the latest parenting trends, spending every moment to play as you have to do some housework (or god forbid update your blog), letting down all woman kind cos you didn't stay in a career and chose the traditional role of stay at home parent. There are so many things you could feel about if you gave a toss. Most of the time I don't - I think we are good parents and get compliments for our little one's manners, her confidence and her intelligence.
However, after 4 years I need to step away for a bit. I need to have a conversation with an adult without being interrupted. I have to be able to go the cinema, out for dinner, A DRINK even or just catch up with old mates without thinking about getting back to pick up little one, cook dinner, do the laundry or think of a bunch of activities to fill the afternoon. I need to be away so I can stop feeling sorry for myself and remind myself that I chose this job. I also need to think about ways that my hubby and I can reconnect as "consenting" adults rather than just parents.
I have to think of ways to supplement our income. We don't live off benefits*. We live off savings and the hubby's income. The savings are really dwindling. I know I can work but in this economy I have no sodding idea what I could do and how I could ensure it will fit around the hours that little one will be in school. Not an unique dilemma but for now, one I need to face.
I suspect I will spend a lot of time in arts/crafts shops stocking up on new activities when I am not in the yarn shop buying even more for my stash. Or in kids' shops buying new clothes, books, toys.
Most of all, I know I'm going to miss my little one and the other half as I've got the best f*****ing job in the world and work for and with two of the most remarkable human beings I know.

*I wish that I could have some of the benefits of the people on benefits without claiming the benefits. Like getting stamps cheaper at Christmas time. Or getting into see shows cheaper. Or whatever else people who live off the state get.