Topic : Safeguarding Your Kids from Internet Predators

With more and more children accessing the internet, safety is a key issue. What should you be aware of and how do you keep your own kids safe online? Share your tips and advice here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

sensible and correct information

first let me state I am a Pet/Sub and have been a live in 24/7 pet for over 12 years of my life I have met both bad and good people throughout this time andhave these experiences to back me up.

first off I agree with the last poster to this thread if she is looking for an "Owner" or "Master" it is because she is missing something in her life in my case I had two drunks for parents who never gave me the time of day. Not to stay her parents are bad but showing my reasoning behind why I choose this lifestyle.

You say she has a learning disability I want to make something quite clear doctors label things often times more often then anyone would like with incorect labeling. I have ADHD now they call it a learning disability however I want this to be made very clear it is NOT a learning disability as a disability means something you cant overcome and in my case it meant simply having a different way to learn with ADHD you cannot be taught by others you need to be shown and left to learn on your own ADHD indivules on average have higher IQ's then most and incredible Spacial skills.

her Immaturity does not stem form her so called disability but from her not being exposed to the hard realities of the world so she is on the right path in this regard.

that said yes there are Monsters out there I met one in the UK he locked me in a room for over a month with the intent to sell me but I managed to get to a computer and get assitance from the local police... did I learn from this mistake you betcha! caution is your friend and I will outline some things you should do to be safe and what your children should be taught and its kept me safe.

now of foremost importance she already has met them and they are obviously interested in her shes old enough to be an adult no matter what you say but I suggest talking with her and teling her you accept her lifestyle choicesbut you want to make certain shes safe tell her youd like to talk to or meet the people in question.. then go meet them address your concerns with them make sure they play safe and have safe words and if they choose to take her in permanetly ask them to draw up a contract... now contract you say? well a contract in short is made between a pet and an owner for several reasons. 1) it outlines what an Owner can and cannot do to a pet very important! 2) It has an out clause for the pet often with money and/or a bus ticket to get her back home 3) it legaly protects both the pet and the Owner from the actions of the other.

I can not state enough how important a properly drawn up contract that has been taken to or done with a lawyer present is and if they refuse the contract then they are not to be trusted!

if you find the home to be safe and sensual meaning she will be safe there then let her be she will learn a great many things and its not easy being a fulltime pet often or not most pets leave the lifestyle after a few months to a year worth of exposure and never return because its not for them.

If she does stick it out good for her Ive had owners pay for my schooling, my dental and health, made sure I always had food and anything I needed but made sure I earned it by doing my job and as a pet its your job to keep your Owner happy or to console them in a time of need also not every Owner looks for sex many do for the simple fact that its a part of life its hardwired into us and as long as it stays safe there isn't anything to worry about.

now after having said all that I must put out a warning!

about 90% of the people on collarme.com are frauds! then number has grown in the past year or so but there are still good people out there... the blessing is that most of the fakes will not go past internet and phone interactions as all they want is attention and often or not stripping infront of a camera so it should be instilled in everyone that a good Owner will not ask for nude photos or ask for you to strip on camera or give them phone sex a good owner will want to get to know you comfortably and over a period of time meet you in real life....

ok very -=( IMPORTANT!!!! )=-

Meeting somone for the first time is one of the most scary/nervracking experiences! and can be one of themost dangerous so I will give some rules for those potential people who want to meet an Owner for there first time..

1) setup a meeting at a very social place such as a coffee shop make sure there are people present

2) have a cell phone on you and have it ready to call 911 incase you need it have it tucked away out of site but someplace you could easily access it even if you cant talk in it just make sure you can dial it this gives yourself a lil more confidence which will fend off the squeamish preditors and will give you a certain amount of protection incase you decide to go someplace else with the individule in question.

3) ask your Owner lots of questions if they are not ready to answer your questions and just want you to go home with them then dont go this is a big warning sign as a good owner will want you to feel safe and want you to know about them.

4) watch them if they seem nervous and look around a lot this is also a very abd sign and its time to move on.

5) you feel your ready to go home with your new Owner but dont tell him you wish to meet like this atleast two more times and keep up your contact if they push dont go

These steps help weed out sexual pretitors but are not 100% fool proof use your judgement listen to the content in your communications with your potential owner dont let him tell you what you want to hear listen for what he really wants from you!

these rules apply also to internet dating there are a lot of frauds out there and lets weed them out get them bored of there lifestyle choices lets keep the honest people out there and clean up the net. BTW everything Ive said is common sense use your Brain!

Remember for every Bad person out there there is a Good one and Ive been lucky to have some very loving Families take me in and I would not trade my experiences even the bad ones for the world they are an intergeral part of who I am....

With all due respect for you and your experiences, I feel the need to address several things you stated which strike me as inaccurate. While you may have ADHD and disagree with it being labeled a 'disabilty'. That does not take away from the person referred to in the original post.

The person of concern has the mental reasoning of a 16 year old. Even if she had been exposed to an entire world, her brain does not function as an adult with the same experience. Her brain does not process things as such, so to cite lack of exposure is doing her a huge disservice.

I too have personal experience in D/s and do agree with many of your recommendations for 'safety'. However, this is someone who is basically 16 (although chronological age states differently) and drives long distances to interact with people her family/friends have very limited knowledge about AND it's not just hanging out with friends, there are sexual activities.

You went into great detail about 'first meetings' and kept referring to 'seeking an Owner'. There have been several meetings so far. Seriously?? While most submissives do feel a strong internal desire/need for an Dominant. Seeking One is rarely successful. The most realistic and cautious way is to get to know Someone as a person and then over time find out if there is a 'click' and potential for more than friendship. That's not rocket science, that's how it is most successful in the 'vanilla world' too.

Now, about helping this concerned aunt. Thank you soo much for expressing your concerns, they are legit and I feel for you and also your niece. I do want to start by saying that I work with children and young adults with both cognitive and physical delays/disabilities. I am well aware that chronological age and developmental age are two very different things, which is a HUGE part of your concern.

First, I would hope and suggest that you and mom both do alot of research online about healthy D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships. Even if it's not something you can understand, it's important to try to. It's not always about being raised with abusive or neglecting parents. I wasn't. My parents were always there for me, no substance abuse, mental abuse, or physical abuse. We are Christian, and by choice not because they forced it on us. I have natural submissive tendencies and my sister is extremely 'vanilla'. I'm not suggesting research so that you can understand and agree with her choice. I'm suggesting this so that you can have a little insight and more clearly know how 'responsible' people in the D/s lifestyle act and how much focus, care, and consideration is actually given to relationships and how much respect is actually shared. This is something your niece MUST know and expect from ANY partner(s). Not all D/s partners are couples. I personally would never choose to be polyamorous, but won't bash others for it. I just personally wouldn't choose it.

About your niece. Since she's sexually active. Please first get her tested and on birthcontrol, if she isn't already. Because she is mentally 16 years old it might be helpful to speak with her doctor about the situation. Doctors are aware that not all bruises are results of abuse and hate. There is consensual play, which is what most in the D/s lifestyle make sure our Physicians are aware of. However, safety is a MUST and a responsibility of both the D and the s!!

If this couple is genuine and seriously care for your niece, than they should be able to openly communicate this with her family (most likely her mom). However, it's their life and if they are addressed in a harsh, blunt, judgmental nature it's likely to not be successful. I would compare it to an angry father yelling at his daughters boyfriend that he dislikes... in comparison to sitting down calmly and respectfully having a discussion about hopes and expectations for his daughter and making sure both have the daughters best interests in mind. All in involved are 'adults' even though your niece has a disability, and they MUST be treated/respected as such.

The previous suggestion about a cell phone for your niece, and establishing a 'safe word' that MUST be used in every phone call is great.

In addition, part of the open discussion that you have with your niece should focus on her self respect and what is and is not acceptable for her and her body. Even thought she identifies as being submissive, it is HER CHOICE about who she 'gives' herself to and what she 'gives' of herself.

About collars... there are different collars and they all mean different things. There is a 'collar of consideration' which is equal to 'going steady' in the vanilla world. It means you want to know more and are committed to focusing solely on that Dominant (couple in her case). It lets other Dominants know that she is not available, but not 'Owned'. The permanent collar is equal to a wedding ring in the vanilla world.

The post I am responding to addresses contracts. Those often happen IF/WHEN there will be a 24/7 commitment, or if an interaction is strictly play. ALL submissive are allowed to have 'limits' and should. They MUST be spoken and it's as much the submissive's as it is the Dominant's so ensure they are respected. My fear is that your niece might not know enough or hold enough respect in herself to voice limits and dislikes.

As an outsider, my best suggestion is to sit down and approach her in caring but non-judgmental way. Let her know that you know what is going on, and want to be her 'safe person'. This way, she can/will trust you AND you will know if she's in need of help and can provide it. Get the knowledge, share the horror stories too and then talk about how to avoid them. Tell her that you want to be the 'safe call'. That will empower you to know what is happening and be able to help. At the same time she will know you care and have the safety she needs. I can also say from personal experience, that as a submissive...we need someone to talk things out with who loves and cares about us BUT won't judge us either.

One last thought ... many P/people claim to be into D/s or BDSM. Not all D/s relationships are BDSM. Just because someone labels their preferences as BDSM, it probably isn't exactly the same as 50 other people who claim the same. It's like saying you have red hair.... there are a million different shades but which one is true or right.... it's a personal view.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ...let us know how your niece is doing. Most of us wouldn't respond if we didn't care !!!!

He too young for a myspace page!

I have an 11 year old son. He is a wonderful boy and I have no major problems with him at all. I am very proud to be his mother. He wants a MYSpace page and I refuse to allow it. His usual response is "All my friends have one" which is true. I know that he just wants to talk with his friends and would most likely never talk to someone he does not know personally. At least not at this stage. For one I don't like him to sit on the computer and/or video games. He is very active in sports and won't have much time for it anyway. I try to give him some freedom yet be somewhat strict and very involved at the sametime. I am stuck with this one. My instincts say NO but my heart always wants to give him what he wants. Any suggestions??

I have a 12yr.old boy myself and I know what you are going through.I do not allow my son to go on places like myspace yet. I just do not feel comterable yet. I do tell him all the time do not give out any personel information on the internet like your name, address or phone number. He gets mad at me but I always tell him. I also monitor what websites he goes to. If you have parental controlls you can restrict what websites he goes to. I think what your feeling is perfectly normal. At least you care about your son and his safety. You have to so careful these days. You have to do what you have to do keep your kids safe. It is hard to let go and let your child have more freedom.I only let my child do the things I feel comfertable letting him do. There comes point when you have to let go and let them have freedom. It is hard though and you worry the first few times. But when you know he has learned what you taught him about the rules using the internet or anything else you do not worry as much. I let my son walk to a friends house with his friend as long he does not walk alone and calls me when he gets there.To let me know he got there. The first few times I worried about him but I do not worry as much now. Of course you have to know the parents real well and know they will be home to supervise. There are some things I will not do like leave my son unsupervised in our house like other parents do. I think he is too young for that. You should go by your instincts cause you have to keep your son safe. Hope this helps

He Is TOO Young!

I have a 12yr.old boy myself and I know what you are going through.I do not allow my son to go on places like myspace yet. I just do not feel comterable yet. I do tell him all the time do not give out any personel information on the internet like your name, address or phone number. He gets mad at me but I always tell him. I also monitor what websites he goes to. If you have parental controlls you can restrict what websites he goes to. I think what your feeling is perfectly normal. At least you care about your son and his safety. You have to so careful these days. You have to do what you have to do keep your kids safe. It is hard to let go and let your child have more freedom.I only let my child do the things I feel comfertable letting him do. There comes point when you have to let go and let them have freedom. It is hard though and you worry the first few times. But when you know he has learned what you taught him about the rules using the internet or anything else you do not worry as much. I let my son walk to a friends house with his friend as long he does not walk alone and calls me when he gets there.To let me know he got there. The first few times I worried about him but I do not worry as much now. Of course you have to know the parents real well and know they will be home to supervise. There are some things I will not do like leave my son unsupervised in our house like other parents do. I think he is too young for that. You should go by your instincts cause you have to keep your son safe. Hope this helps

My step-daughter who lives in another state, so we only see her during the summer and on particular holidays, just turned 10. She has had a myspace account since she was EIGHT! My husband and I have had her account deleted so many times--her mother just sets her up another one! There are pictures, ads, etc., that are inappropriate for younger children. As an open-minded adult, I am shocked by what I see and read on myspace and again, it is not for children!!! Then there is the safety issue. My stepdaughter is extremely overweight, she is not being raised with good parental attention or guidance... therefore she is a prime candidate for preditors! At 8 and 9 years old she was already showing signs of inappropriate behavior, to include masturbating in the family room, open-mouthed kissing her dad (of course, we put a stop to these things!), heavy flirting with men and much older boys. I am not saying that myspace is the only place for young kids to get this sort of exposure BUT once their account is set up they can access it from any computer OR PHONE and you as a parent have no control as well as you have no idea what they are doing, reading or simply getting their eyes on. My 9yr. old daughter has not yet shown interest in myspace however she wants a cell phone. My husband and I have decided that we will get her a cell phone, simple phone with simple text (no camera) and calling, when she turns 12. It is really hard for her to understand that all her little friends have their own phones and she is only allowed to use mine with permission and time limits. BUT these kids are calling sex lines (they are in the 4th grade), sending sexual messages, and other inappropriate things DURING school and on the school buses. Several of her 4th grade friends check their myspace from their cell phones during school hours. If they are doing these things now... what will be left for them to explore when they are in high school--forget when they reach adulthood!!!!!

I know what you mean. You have to be so careful to protect your kids.

My step-daughter who lives in another state, so we only see her during the summer and on particular holidays, just turned 10. She has had a myspace account since she was EIGHT! My husband and I have had her account deleted so many times--her mother just sets her up another one! There are pictures, ads, etc., that are inappropriate for younger children. As an open-minded adult, I am shocked by what I see and read on myspace and again, it is not for children!!! Then there is the safety issue. My stepdaughter is extremely overweight, she is not being raised with good parental attention or guidance... therefore she is a prime candidate for preditors! At 8 and 9 years old she was already showing signs of inappropriate behavior, to include masturbating in the family room, open-mouthed kissing her dad (of course, we put a stop to these things!), heavy flirting with men and much older boys. I am not saying that myspace is the only place for young kids to get this sort of exposure BUT once their account is set up they can access it from any computer OR PHONE and you as a parent have no control as well as you have no idea what they are doing, reading or simply getting their eyes on. My 9yr. old daughter has not yet shown interest in myspace however she wants a cell phone. My husband and I have decided that we will get her a cell phone, simple phone with simple text (no camera) and calling, when she turns 12. It is really hard for her to understand that all her little friends have their own phones and she is only allowed to use mine with permission and time limits. BUT these kids are calling sex lines (they are in the 4th grade), sending sexual messages, and other inappropriate things DURING school and on the school buses. Several of her 4th grade friends check their myspace from their cell phones during school hours. If they are doing these things now... what will be left for them to explore when they are in high school--forget when they reach adulthood!!!!!

You have to moniter what your kids are doing on the internet, phone at all times. Our computer is not in my sons room but in the family room where I can moniter what websites he is going to. He does not have a cell phone and if he ever gets one it will be a basic one for just making calls . no texting or anything. He does not need one at age 12 anyways. If he goes anywhere I have to know where he is at all times. It is not too often I let him go anywhere without me. He never goes anywhere alone . Always with a friend that I know real well.Some parents think it is ok to leave a 12yr. old alone at home with no supervision! This is crazy! He is too young! we also have a block on our phone that blocks any numbers to sex lines. I am doing everything I can do to protect my son. I will definetly have to have a talk to him about this sexting stuff going on before he goes into middle school. The things that are going on are so scary. It makes you worry more sometimes. You can never be too careful in trying protect your kids.

Internet Security

Hi guys, since must people here are scared that there children, or them self will cough danger on the internet. I have some solutions for it. I have been going on the PC for more then 4 years and i discoverd that there are some major retards on the internet, so i did some 'research' and have some solution, first if u want to go on some sites but ur NOT sure u will be 'prrotected good enough it's best u use proxy. [e.g dating sites if u chat with somone it's very easy to get an IP], with proxy it's not possible. Now, what is proxy? Proxy, gives u a fake IP so e.g i am from belgium, and i use proxy on some sites, i'm not surten of it will be safe, so my IP goes to Texas in America. On Myspace and all those sites u can do it to. [ Some sites www.hidemyass.com / www.anonr.com] When u go on them they will even give u MORE sites that will hide ur identity, Then if u register on some site NEVER give ur real identity, like ur real phone number or age or where u live, never say it, And change ur password evry 2weeks to prevent of being hacked. Never give ur real pics, go to some other site and take there just some pic to hide urself, cause if ur still 'young' and all it will be an advantage for them to milipalate u. Then about MSN, there isnt much wrong with it, but NEVER accept people that u don't know tho even if they know ur name allready, but u don't know them, DELETE, that can be people e.g pedo's. that did research about u

So what i'm trying to say is allways hide it, never give ur real identity, even ur picture.

If u have more questions, look at my profile, add me on msn and we will talk about ur problems about the internet, since i know much of it.