Monday, August 17, 2015

Today in people who are not Batman...

You know who's not Batman? Well, obviously lots of people aren't Batman. You, me, and pretty everyone else on Earth. But do you know who's really, really not Batman? Like at all? Donald Trump, that's who.

Pictured: Not the goddamn Batman.

So the White Walkers want our jobs? I
suppose that's more of an explanation than
G. R. R. Martin's given us in like five novels.

Why am I bringing up this rather obvious point? Because yesterday Trump, while explaining to a group of children why we should build a wall around Mexico (spoiler alert: it's not to keep out ice zombies), was asked by a nine-year-old if he was Batman to which he responded: "I am Batman." Which, ok, sure, at first glance you might pick up on some things Bruce Wayne and Donald Trump have in common. They're both rich, they both own helicopters and they both...uh...they're both rich...did I say rich already?

Anyway, while they're both billionaires who run massive companies founded by their wealthy parents, the similarities end there. Bruce Wayne runs Wayne Enterprises, a combination military contractor/philanthropic organization that secretly builds bat-themed cars and planes for Batman while organizing charity balls at the museum which are inevitably crashed by super-villians. Trump on the other hand runs The Trump Organization, a conglomerate that puts up buildings, writes 'Trump' on them and then files for Chapter 11.

There are other differences as well. For example, Bruce Wayne puts on a bat suit and fights crime in his ceaseless crusade to protect the innocent. Meanwhile, Donald Trump puts on a regular suit and does business with the mob.

Yeah, Batman also deals with the mob, but there's more punching.

Beneath the leathery exterior?
Just more Trump.

Fans have long speculated that playboy Bruce Wayne is the disguise and that in many ways Batman is the real person (the real, fictional person) and I suppose it's possible that Trump works the same way. Like, by day he's a sleazy, misogynistic corporate douche bag, while he secretly spends his nights solving theme-crime and not promising to dismantle Obamacare, but I just don't see it. Something tells me that Donald Trump is really not the type for layers and nuance. I mean, some people just see Batman as a revenge-crazed lunatic who kicks the shit out of bad guys, and he kind of is, but there's more to being Batman than that. You have to like, help people too.

Look, I understand that if some kid up looks up at you and says "Hey are you really Batman? For real?" there's a tendency to want to say yes. I get that, but I'm having a hard time thinking of anyone, real or fictional, less Batman-like than Donald Trump.