The Pee Flow Standard

That’s right. I’m going to start this week off with some pee pee talk. Did you know, you can pee too loudly?…and pee too quickly? Well, I didn’t know this. I’m not perfect, I have learning curves too sometimes. More times than I can count though, multiple persons have told me that I actually do both of the aforementioned actions. Not a new revelation. I guess there’s now an unwritten rule of acceptable levels of pee loudness and swiftness. Like a peeing genius, more like it. Listen up, I’m efficient. Toilet multi-tasking. I pee and move on. Sit. Pee. Wipe. So what, if you can hear the trickle breaking the sound barrier, I don’t like spending three hours in a restroom when there’s a movie I want to see or torrid sex I need to have. Who am I kidding? Nobody’s going to have sex with me in a movie theater. Or on a toilet. Don’t judge. A girl can dream can’t she?

If I’m the exception in the bathroom, rather than the rule… Then doesn’t that make me kind of a toilet paper super hero? The Wonder Woman of all Commodes? Faster than a peeing bullet… or drain? I don’t know. Anyway, what’s a pee flow standard without an above par exception to save the day?! And you’ve totally thought about sexy toilet time, lying perverts. So fore-tell, if you can hear the rumblings of liquid gold from outside the door, then haven’t I accomplished what I had set out to do? Relieve my pee? In the toilet? Uh, yes, pay attention. If my rushing river can make snow inedible and you can hear it over the ventilation fan, then shouldn’t you call on me to create the best distraction in history? Uh, yes again. I can make a difference. Don’t eat yellow snow. I’m just saying… There are a plethora of opportunity here in my pee. Stock options? Like a reading rainbow of glistening golden showers. Pee-Pee Pegacorns? Let’s break the pee flow standard, and be… above average, magical pee-ers, people!