Lost and drowning

I am disabled and I am lonely. I have been in relationships were the girl hit me like I was the man. I have been bitter and cold about it for so long that all I want now is just sex but at the same time I want her to like me on some level. I am a kind person. I always have been living with cerebral palsy and it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I have been on fling AFF and many other sites just trying to for once find a healthy sexual experience. I have never came with any women and no I am not gay, I have just been through so much I don't know how to deal with women’s affection now. I just want someone to find me because I am lost and pull me out of the hole I am in because it’s filling with water and I am drowning in it. I have never experienced a lot of things because women especially attractive women don't look at us disabled guys at all we get the left overs or the more damaged one’s and my heart is bleeding because I realize it all could be over anytime.