Jeffrey Tobias Winger Speech Transcripts by Season

Season 1

"What makes humans different from other animals? We’re the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it’s name is Steve and go like this [breaks pencil] and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck and Academy Award for screenwriting. People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It’s clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She’s driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. We should listen to him some time. We wouldn’t regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don’t test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he’s all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they’re trying to impress their high school’s prom king. And Abed. Abed’s a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what, soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, “I forgive you.” You’ve just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community."

Advanced Criminal Law

By the pool, Jeff makes his final statements to the school committee in support of Britta who cheated on the Spanish exam.

"Gentlemen, I'm sure you suspected that Ms. Perry was pretty odd before the recess but if you could have heard all the stuff she was telling me in the showers you would realize she is all the way out of her entire damn mind. She doesn't want to succeed because she doesn't think she can so she goes out of her way to fail. That's crazy! But, do we really want to make it a crime to be crazy at Greendale? I mean look at us. You two are arguing about status at a college that correspondent schools make fun of. Dean, you want so bad for this place to be Ivy League that you are putting us at risk of electrocution because everyone on this campus is nuts.If you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate then you need to sentence her to staying here with us because if crazy people can't be at Greendale then where are we supposed to go?"