Bad news: CDC now issuing advice on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse

posted at 8:28 pm on May 19, 2011 by Allahpundit

First, a religious group claims that the Rapture will happen this Saturday. Then this post mysteriously appears on the CDC’s official blog.

If I see any locusts tomorrow, I’m barricading the door.

There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.

We’ve all seen at least one movie about flesh-eating zombies taking over (my personal favorite is Resident Evil…), but where do zombies come from and why do they love eating brains so much? The word zombie comes from Haitian and New Orleans voodoo origins. Although its meaning has changed slightly over the years, it refers to a human corpse mysteriously reanimated to serve the undead. Through ancient voodoo and folk-lore traditions, shows like the Walking Dead were born…

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated. Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas (I will be volunteering the young nameless disease detectives for the field work).

If you’re a “Walking Dead” fan, you know just how effective the CDC would be in the event of a true zombie outbreak. A few points, then. One: While normally I’d be outrageously outraged that taxpayer money was being spent on something as fanciful as this, (a) it’s actually a clever way to spread tips on emergency awareness (the site has been swamped with traffic) and (b) the sheer awesomeness of the zombie genre justifies any expense. Two: Elsewhere in the piece, the author claims that once you’re bitten by a zombie, you’re a goner. Not true, actually; quick action to amputate the bitten limb can isolate the infection before it spreads to the brain. Amiright, “Day of the Dead” fans? Three: There’s simply no way, in a world where Romero classics like “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead” exist, that this guy’s favorite zombie movie is “Resident Evil.” Nor is it true that zombies have any special appetite for brains, as even casual zombie-flick fans would happily tell you. They’re not picky in what they eat. They’re dead. They’re all messed up. Which means the author of this piece is either dangerously misinformed about the true threat from the zombie menace or this is government disinformation designed to reduce the public’s capacity to respond effectively. What is Obama up to now?

Exit question: Can anyone explain quickly in the comments who’ll allegedly be saved and who won’t on Rapture Day Saturday? Is it all theists, or just Christians, or just some Christians? I want to gauge how many of us will be left behind to battle the zombie hordes come Sunday. Luckily I live in New York City, so … pretty much all of us will still be here.

Update (Ed): You think you have it bad, AP? I’ll be in Vegas on Saturday. I’d bet on the number of people being Raptured out of there on Saturday, but I doubt the bookies are taking bets on anything above the number … oh … one.

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Update (Ed): You think you have it bad, AP? I’ll be in Vegas on Saturday. I’d bet on the number of people being Raptured out of there on Saturday, but I doubt the bookies are taking bets on anything above the number … oh … one.

The second it acted like a child and started swearing and making personal attacks because of a post, I knew it is a “Liberal”.

KMC1 on May 19, 2011 at 9:56 PM

Your post involved wiping out New York City. You deserved every attack sent your way. Blatantblue is not a liberal. That is a stone cold fact, regardless of what you think you ‘know’. So, find something else to use. The liberal line is just plain silly….

HornetSting on May 19, 2011 at 10:23 PM
Well you do like to play up the fat meme.

KMC1 on May 19, 2011 at 10:31 PM

No, I was just poking you because of the Flying while fat thread….if you read my posts there, I felt bad for the woman, but also believe in personal responsiblity.
But, you have confirmed my first instinct that you are the world’s first brain transplant donor.

You want to know what’s “silly”? Acting like a petulant “Liberal” and then crying when called on it.

KMC1 on May 19, 2011 at 10:30 PM

You’re calling someone else ‘petulant’? You’ve come across as a 10 year old with all of the ridiculous put-downs you’ve thrown around. Blatantblue is not a liberal. Fact. You called for the destruction of NYC. Fact. Why don’t you just apologize for suggesting it would be cool to wipe out an American city and be done with this? You deserved everything thrown at you for that comment, so just admit you were wrong and move on…

Can anyone explain quickly in the comments who’ll allegedly be saved and who won’t on Rapture Day Saturday?

According to Camping’s theology, not many of us will be saved, so I’ll be prepared, shovel in hand, to fight of hordes of zombies.

It’s supposed to start at 6 pm local time, so we’ll have advanced warning if people start disappearing in the eastern time zones.

I’m seriously considering making up a few “The End Is Near” poster boards, getting some old clothes, and just piling them on a street corner to see how many people walk/drive past and freak out because they’re “left behind.”

No. I said New York, LA and Chicago (not necessarily in that order though) – I didn’t say anything about American cities.

Now go cry in the corner with your love child.

KMC1 on May 19, 2011 at 10:46 PM

So, New York, LA, and Chicago aren’t American cities? LOL!!! OK!! Thanks for playing, kid. And, when the next American city gets attacked, make sure you take time out from dancing in the streets to hand out some candy like a good little terrorist wannabe. Now go to bed, it’s a school nite….

KMC1 on May 19, 2011 at 10:46 PM
So, New York, LA, and Chicago aren’t American cities? LOL!!! OK!! Thanks for playing, kid. And, when the next American city gets attacked, make sure you take time out from dancing in the streets to hand out some candy like a good little terrorist wannabe. Now go to bed, it’s a school nite….

This is no brainer (no pun intended) survival instruction. All you need for the Zombie Apocalypse is a good firearm that shoots semi-automatic and will take a high capacity magazine. I prefer .223/5.16. (Picking one that shoots both is an imperative. There is a difference and not all AR15s will shoot both cartridges even if the round is the same.)

Okay, you know they swarm. You know they need a head-shot. You’re thinking, “Why did Hawk pick a small caliber firearm when you need to evacuate the entire cranial cavity?” Good question. Said it with me, “Plastic tip, ballistic rounds.” There is nothing better for a Zombie Swarm, One Shot One Kill than Ballistic rounds in any caliber.

Questions?

Oh yeah, take a big bag of beef jerkie. Low fat and high carbs will keep you on your toes and still be able to keep that girlish figure while you’re Duking it out with the undead.

Finally some justification. 2 years ago my wife asked what I wanted for my birthday. I wanted a Bushmaster 223. She said: you have so many guns already why a 223. Zombies said I.

faol on May 19, 2011 at 11:33 PM

Also the perfect opportunity to tell the Mrs. you want to buy a reloader. Ballistic rounds can be expensive if you don’t reload your own. Plus, plus, you can load a little bit of garlic with the powder charge when you reload you own. I have it on great authority that Zombies hate, HATE garlic. (MY only experience is “Plants vs Zombies” in regards to garlic, but they hate it in the game. I’m sure real Zombies hate it too.

So … tell the Mrs …

I recommend a single stage Rock-Chucker or a Lee Multi-Stage.

PS, If you can’t get a Bush, the Superior Arm AR15s are cheaper and just as good. I have a Bush and a Superior Arms.

Stop! Three things must be considered before we take any action whatsoever against brain-sucking zombies.

1 Are Brain-Sucking Zombies (BSZ’s hereinafter) a racial, cultural or normative deviant minority? If so, they deserve our protection -not our censure- and we should willingly sacrifice our citizens’ brains (hopefully unimportant West African hotel maids) as sustenance so they can be studied.

2 Even more important, BSZ’s may be an endangered species in which case by not cooperating with them (by freely offering your brains) the very act of resistance could be construed as a criminal act against nature-subject to fines, penalties and imprisonment.

3 BSZ’s could be acting bizarrely because our polluted environment(both physically and morally) was the main etiological factor. In which case we are totally responsible for for their bad behavior and “had it coming to us.”

> “Can anyone explain quickly in the comments who’ll allegedly be saved and who won’t on Rapture Day Saturday? Is it all theists, or just Christians, or just some Christians? ”

This is a no-brainer.

I can’t speak for any cultists or nutcases who think there will be a Rapture tomorrow. That is contrary to Scripture, which teaches us that Jesus will come without any forewarning “as a thief in the night.” So predictions of an exact date of Jesus’ coming and/or “the Rapture” are contrary to Jesus’ own teachings.

However, speaking strictly from what the New Testament tells us, it’s obviously only referring to believing Christians. Only genuine believers in Christ Jesus will be saved, and those are the ones referred to concerning the Rapture.

That does not mean that everyone regularly sitting in a pew at any church will be saved. Only those who actually believe in what the Bible teaches regarding repentance of sin, acceptance of salvation and submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

If you don’t believe what is taught in the New Testament, then… no, you will not be saved, and will not take part in the Rapture. You will be “left behind”.

Ed, taking a bet that more than X people will be killed by the rapture on 21 May 2011 is a sure bet. They can’t lose. If there is no rapture they take the money and run. If there is a rapture the money is worthless anyway.

StephenDvd, if it is come as a thief in the night when least expected it is obvious he’d come on a day somebody certifiable as an utter kook claimed it would be. He’d find the fewest people ever expecting his coming.

(Actually it logically can never happen. If he waits until the last day humans exist the last human(s) will expect it that day. So he cannot come. If he cannot come that last day he cannot come the day before, either by the same “he’d be expected” logic. That applies to all days from now to as long as humans exist. Christ cannot come. He’d be expected.)

(Logic is a terrible thing in the hands of somebody with a strange warped sense of humor.)

Can you logically predict the last day humans will exist? Humor aside, I don’t at all understand the logic of you saying that it could apply “to all days from now” up to and including “our last day” even if you could divine it. Maybe I need more coffee to understand.

Here’s a problem I always had with zombie’s eating people. where does the meat they eat go? They don’t have digestive systems. I guess I could buy that the need to eat is simply an instinct and that the food goes nowhere – just sits in their guts or falls back out if they have an open wound.

Another thing – how do they moan? They don’t breath so they have nothing to push past the vocal chords to create sound.

As stated earlier in this thread, the rapture is a 19th century concept that is not supported in the Scripture.

As far as putting a date on the End of the World, Jesus said no one knows when that day will be, although he described the signs of the end times.

The reality is that for someone, today will be the end of the world. Life is fragile. I think about those suddenly caught in natural disasters, or a fatal accident and how quickly circumstances change one’s life. Today could be my last day. So I have to remind myself “how will I live my life?” And when I stand before Christ (aka, Judgement Day) will he know me, or will I be a stranger to him?

First the “rapture” is made up. It is NOT part of the original Hebrew text! It was a priest in the 18th – 19th century that did this & how it ever got in the Bible is beyond me. 2) after the resurrection of Christ, Jesus is with his disciples and they ask about the 2nd coming and Jesus says “No man know the day or hour of my return“. So all these clowns running around screaming “judgment day” is here have NEVER read the Bible! But who is more idiotic the idiot screaming Dooms Day, or the idiots that believe him!