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14 June 2016

In other circumstances (and if I were prone to stereotyping) I would have suspected that the man in the above picture is a Jihadi who, judging by his heavy stare, is going to do something awful. However, the article that is dedicated to the deeds of the man, quickly dispelled any possibility of such notion.

Customs officers at the Hamad International Airport, in the Qatari capital, have arrested a Yemeni man attempting to smuggle more than 12 kilograms (27 lbs) of sliced bacon hidden in his anal cavity.53-year old Abd al Rahman Shamoun, was spotted by a specially trained police dog, looking for drugs or pork meat on passengers and in their luggage.

Here are the triumphant custom officers, accompanied, probably, by a ranking functionary:

In the precise center of the table you can see four objects described in the article as follows:

The search revealed 4 large condoms hidden in his anal cavity, each containing more than 3 kilograms of bacon.

So why do I consider the story remarkable? It is because just a few years ago I have happened to reflect on the rather sad story of an Al-Qaeda wannabe martyr, using that same cavity to smuggle a bomb and to do his level best to off a Saudi prince, one Muhammad Bin Naif, Assistant Minister of Interior for Security Affairs. The attempt failed, not the least because of insufficient quantity of explosives and not enough thought given to the direction of the blast as function of its placement.

The mere fact that a man, seemingly superbly trained (a bit later on the subject of training), has decided to use his ability to transport bacon to a place that resists the siren call of that delicacy, points to Al Qaeda being on its last leg. When Al Qaeda's best and finest are turning their considerable talents to civilian use, the picture is encouraging and heartening. And I would suggest that bacon producers look closely at this, somewhat novel, business opportunity.

There are only two or three remarks/questions left to make regarding this refreshing turn of events:

First of all, the picture of confiscated goods. The arrangement of the scene, where there is a custom officer for every extruded... er... object, is very symbolic and infuses one with respect for the law and its guardians. Of course, the dog would have made the picture perfect, but dogs are considered unclean animals and all that... pity.

There is a paradox in the mention of that very special dog, trained to look for pork. How do you train a dog to detect pork in a country that is pork-free? Do these dogs travel abroad for that part of their training?

What is being done with the confiscated bacon? Does it get fed to the dog that discovered it as a bonus?

Now about that bacon. The unorthodox transportation method couldn't fail to remind me about the coffee beans produced from the digestive tract of Asian palm civet (Kopi Luwak) and the beans produced in the same manner by the Brazilian Jacu bird. These two and others, similarly produced coffee beans, are very much sought and, as a result, frightfully expensive products. Wouldn't bacon, transported in this novel fashion, attract its own connoisseurs? I am almost sure it would, but of course a detailed market study is necessary.

The last, but far from the least, point. Our hero, Abd al Rahman Shamoun, cannot be a single person endowed with the ability to carry the above mentioned 12 kg of bacon in that special fashion he used. I am basing this statement on prior knowledge, related to the Al Qaeda making a supreme effort to increase the payload carried by its specially trained members. A short essay Buggery for martyrdom and paradise, or a new development in the anal Jihad will tell you about this project. Everyone thusly trained should be recruited to the new peaceful mission of bacon commerce (see point 4).

OK, now the last point indeed: since the transportation method described in the above linked essay was approved by the Al Qaeda imams - wouldn't it make the bacon, carried in this fashion, halal? Just asking.