Thursday, December 24

It's that time of the year again when my feet won't warm up that easily; cakes, cakes, wishes ,greetings, parties, more cake and and added kilos.

It's that time of the year again when I wake up every morning truly wanting to feel the wind blowing on my face (in spite of the soaring pollution).

It's that time of the year again when I am at my craftiest best.

It's that time of the year again when I don't get irked (that easily) by people's constant intrusion(it's just a Human thing,nothing personal..at least when it comes to some) into my private affairs.

It's that time of the year again when my dad wakes me up every morning asking me for the list-of-the-day(a list consisting all the things I'd like to gorge on or do during the day and it'd be arranged for to the best of his ability).

It's that time of the year again when I can play the "Layered clothes" card--->

'No, I didn't gain weight. It's just the sweater.'

It's that time of the year again when going to sleep is most fun.

It's that time of the year again when the persistent romantic in me becomes all the more persistent. Things naturally seem more beautiful and awe-inspiring.

It's that time of the year again when being close to the family means sharing with them amazingly delightful moments you don't have to work too hard to get.

There's something about this time, this weather that just touches my soul; and ever so musically.

Happy holidays people.

cheers

Posted by
Amropali

Wednesday, December 23

I seem to be, lately, closely
surrounded by filmy characters or normal day-to-day characters stuck in
a filmy scene.

# 1-->This is somebody who (is
still a good friend) is a self confessed Casanova (I, too, dated him for a
while back in school! ha!) and all he does now that he has left the country is
(as far as the conversations reveal is) booze, screw, screw while boozing, booze
while screwing and sleep (with or without people) and other unmentionable
stuff. Back in school i thought of him as someone who's just insecure about his
identity and his effects on people and hence his antics and certain
eccentricities; that the 'cool', the 'hip', the 'spoilt- brat’ who believes in
bonhomie with every Tom, Dick and Harry was just a passing phase and frankly my
view about him hasn't changed much since the school days.

#2 --> This one is a fake. The
fakest of the best fakers in the world and the worst part is this person is
shrewd enough to make you indebted to her with all kind of sweet things and
then when she gets on your nerves with all the 'closeness' and intrusion, you
can't really behave badly coz how can you do that to such a 'sweet person'
right!! Female, what’s with all the hugs and kisses all the time (I am not your
best friend and no, i will never be.) I mean this is not one of those socialite
parties right? And what’s with all the fake emotions EVERY SINGLE MOMENT! You
know you can't please everybody and you certainly don't please me. I would
really really like you (cross my heart and hope to die) if you are a bit, you
know, a tiny winy itsy bitsy bit genuine.

# 3--->Ok, this one is a winner.
But I should tell you I have no qualms against her nor am I judging her on any
moral grounds. I am simply amazed at the absolutely bollywoodish circumstances
she manages to surround herself with all the time. First up she was part of
this love triangle, which later transpired into this non-regular polygon with a
lot of ‘obtuse angles’ and some of the members in this polygon even branched
out late till she actually got out of it to get into something more bizarre.
Next she manages to fall in love with a married man (a guy with who she was in
love with since the last ‘oh-I-don’t-know’ years and who was forced by his
mother to get married) met him a couple of times after that in a city some 1500
km away from home in a hope that he will divorce his wife to be married to her
when she is ready (after her degrees etc), Eventually, he dumps her, this time
for good. Forward a few days after this, she’s travelling alone in train. There
is a family of 5 in her section- parents, a son and a maid. It’s time to sleep
now (the guy is sleeping in the berth above her). He tries to touch her hand
several times. She gets irritated and furious. The next thing you know, they
are exchanging mobile phones with their typed messages ball night long(there’s
no network to actually text each other).She says she could feel the guy is a
good man and hence instead of insulting him publically she was a thing or two
about what amounts to harassment personally
over messages. The present status, it’s been five months since the incident
and they have been seeing each other for four.

My take: anything’s fair in love and war. I didn’t know this ‘anything’
could be so filmy and at such proximity.

# 4-- > This is a good friend with certain mannerisms which we
openly make fun of, all the time. His accent...well let’s just say, it’s not
usual. Sings beautifully, is of mild disposition, likes to show off a bit, is a
sort of a star in his area of work, has bad hair and apparently is hit with
girls. I don’t know why I am including him in this list; He’s not really that
filmy if you compare him with the others in this list. The only very filmy
thing in his life is, now thankfully ‘was’, his (ex) girl friend. She seems to
be just out of the movies (not the heroine but the vamp). I’ve not met the lady
but have heard enough (and many times) about her to know that any ‘Poison Ivy’
and ‘Komolika’ would feel incompetent in front of her.

Phew!! That was just four characters and I haven’t really been able to
do justice to the characters. I am tired already and feel an immense need to
watch movies back-to-back (so much for the word ‘filmy’).

Well, I assure you when I say my life is full of filmy characters I
mean FULL of filmy characters. Let’s make this article part-1 of the many (and
more intriguing) parts to come. For now I’d close.

And if any of you know You're included in the list, don't ask me to verify.coz I AM NOT TELLING.
I have a social life to save.
:)
peace.

Posted by
Amropali

Saturday, December 19

I started it, unlike every other year, not by accepting wishes over umpteen phone calls, messages and e-mails for hours starting from midnight, but by keeping my cellphone off(for reasons more than one) and sleeping till2am, making an early breakfast and then finally replying to the abuses (which came instead of wishes for keeping the phone off).

so it started the vicious circle of being happy, being special, treated like a princess and a baby(ironic, since i am actually growing old birthday is a day when one is reminded of it), eating high-calorie sinful food,over and over with different groups of people, saying/typing zillions of thank you's(trying to be innovative with each message of acknowledgment and gratitude for the wishes, not because they would compare and contrast but because you get bored of typing the same thing all day long).

I like my birthday, i always have.

but last day was...kind of different.

It was more subdued than what i have always encountered since i was born.

It didn't feel as grand , as festive, as 'birthday-like' as I have always felt 18th dec to be. i am not complaining. It was different but nice.

I kept wondering through the night if the this is because i have grown up or because there are thousand other things I had to be excited about.

whatever it was, good bad or fabulous, i would like my next birthday to be different than what it has been this year or even the years past.

A cliched statement would fit in here, i guess:

'change is the only thing that is constant.'

Posted by
Amropali

Friday, December 11

All relationships(especially the 'serious' ones),and by that I mean all (that includes the ones with friends, family, the 'love of your life', the crushes, the hot-guy-whom-u-pass-everyday-and-go-'ooooo', pets, favourite comic book, favourite celebrity et al), have a 'rosy' peiod, when everything seems to be unearthly, blissful and something that , it might seem then , has the potential to keep one happy throughout one's life- even if this be the only thing that one has to live with/for.

This period lasts for precisely one day.

The next day, it all changes.We keep believing that everything is as blissful as, gripping, as spontaneous, as pure as it had been the very first day.But the fact is IT AIN'T.

From the very next day comes in games,politics and power play(not all the gray shades and in the the degrees might vary).It all boils down to questions and answers: [Should I do this?, Will this work? how do I?] I'd heard it being said in some movie, "the power in any relationship lies with the person who cares less." And power is something that all of us seems to be driven by.After all the whole of human history is the outcome of the shifts of power from one man to another. So coming back to the topic, steps are planned and executed to keep this 'special thing' going forever. But what one doesn't realize is that by the time one reaches this stage, the 'special thing' has already passed.That no effort, no much-thought-about-plan-of-action would ever be able to, sadly, make it what it was.The innocence, the purity, the extreme of bonding that happens has happened and passed, that the state that one craves for perennially is a state that is eternally momentary.

So the only thing to do, I've suddenly been hit by it this morning in sleep, is that one should (ideally, but we hardly live our lives keeping in tune with the 'ideal') put a stop to any such relationship while one is still able to see the 'rosy' tinge...a stop as soon as the practicalities and the greed for more start to creep in, before the complexities start.

We might feel the loss of something that had 'potential' for something great, but truly speaking that 'potential' never would have , in most cases, turned 'kinetic', and more so might have been the source of something more painful than the pain of loss.

So here's a cheer to all the expiry dates that I'd see in the future, I'd probably sulk, and shed a tear for many, but then I'd come back to read this post and come to see (again!) the wisdom in the wise ass post that I am typing in, in such a hurry.

Thursday, December 10

I can be a cry baby, like any other girl, especially when I am not well; and that consequently has the potential to make me a pain in people’s necks. This is the time when I not only want but demand attention and if, God forbid, I don’t get it, starts the brooding and cribbing. I am, at present, down with a cold and am a bit feverish. Now, I am back home for the holidays and have been getting a lot of, sometime insufferable, attention, I am actually in want of some alone time. But knowing my history, my folks, the indulging sweethearts that they are, haven’t left my sight even a second for the past two days.

It’s funny. I keep laughing by myself and I can’t really share the joke with them, fearing the fact that if I tell them and the next time I am down they make this the new “history” and leave me alone when I really want the ‘princess treatment’.

Hopeful for some alone time (without having to explain things) ; hopeful of feeling better by sundown today; hoping to finish reading the book that I’ve been trying to finish since the last couple of days but been falling off to sleep within 5 minutes of starting(not the book, it’s the weather!); hopeful to get something more worthwhile to write my next post on.

Saturday, December 5

I've come back home for the holidays. I've not been away for long though, only a few odd months.

But things seems radically different now. It seems the my perspective has changed more than anything or maybe I am just burning my gray cells too much.

My friends, surroundings, relationships, obligations- all that i apparently miss when I am not here- seem to be more complex than what i remember them to be. I ask myself, was i really a part of this or things have just taken a different turn in my absence. Not that all of it is bad, just that much of it is beyond my control or beyond capacity to fully comprehend or participate. I just nd up being an objective observer, a spectator as if all that is happening around me is some freak show, which will be over and I'd go back home when the show is over.

I have always been those who ask a lot of questions. But this time, i simply can't form the questions. The thoughts just won't form themselves into something intelligible to the outer world. I simply wait. Wait for all this to pass.

The point of the matter is that(Yes, i finally come to this. sorry i have am compelled to digress.Can't help it, its just how i've been compiled.) the "golden past" as it generally seem to me, is it really golden? or do i simply think it better in comparison to what i hold now coz of the intrinsic human nature of perennial complaint and dissatisfaction? Come to think of it, this is the best phase of my life, couldn't have asked for anything better, then why does my heart sometimes yearn for for i've left behind in the hands of the temporal?

The answer is: there is something inside me that is utterly STOOOOPID! and i am resolute now to get over it and bask in the glory of the present.

until later.

:D

Posted by
Amropali

Friday, November 20

A relationship lived out in the recollection of the temporal. The past is no longer there, the present never remains and the future is not yet. What did i live through then? memories, facts, somethings imagined, somethings felt, somethings forced to feel, something that i thought i should feel? Whatever be the case, i felt like i was in a constant roller coaster ride(a scary one at that; and trust me these things don't scare me that easily!). The feeling was so darn physical, at one point i thought i was having a heart attack(ha!)!!

i wanted to cry, laugh, sing(in solitude with ill-gotten lyrics) , dance, indulge myself with a great tub of ice cream(couldn't decide on the flavour though), wanted to sulk, be pampered, be pulled out of this terribly gripping ride i was going through. but what did i do? i gave a (uber fucked up) exam, skipped meals (coz the walk to the mess seemed too long), watched three movies back to back, painted my toe nails over and over again to keep my mind from exploding and still at the end of the day managed to change a friendship that has been for all these years so different from the dozen-a-dime relationships we encounter on a daily basis.

i've got no clue how to fix it. no clue if i can , at all. no clue what my next step would be.

The only thing that I am aware of at this point of time is that the "ride" continues- and i've gotten so used to this feeling of weightlessness with a heavy heart to hold on to that i don't know if i want to get off this ride at all.

Wednesday, November 18

In spite of the pressure mounting on me to finish the preparation for tomorrow's exam, all i feel like doing (as usual) is either sleep or sleep and dream.Dream about a future that feels like the golden past, dream about a future that, although distant, is not out of my reach.I am hopeful today, maybe a bit delusional too but what the hell, 1 life, short life...gotta pack every experience in tightly...

so here's to a bright(okay, maybe a rainy, sleepy, oh-so-romantic) day ahead!

Saturday, November 7

Reminds me of childhood memories Where everything Was as fresh as the bright blue sky Now and then when I see her face She takes me away to that special place And if I'd stare too long I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine Sweet love of mine"

Where did you go

Where did she go now

Sweet child o' mine

Posted by
Amropali

Friday, November 6

Thursday, November 5

heard of someone's memory of pain last night and it made me wonder - throughout the night, all through my classes n right down to this second - is it possible to feel safe -even if relatively- knowing that someone else has gone through a bigger ordeal, a greater pain , a more crushing experience than yours? Do i rejoice the fact that I had been put through a lot less by life/fate(and maybe IT likes me better!! :P) or do i wonder why the pain that had overwhelmed me and flooded my life with its presence is so small in comparison and the fact that if this had the power to crush me...what would have happened if i would have to go through all of that and more....

will i have the strength come out alive? Should i , in fear, withdraw myself from experience that have any possibility of bringing forth such fate on me? or should i go out carefree to see if at all any thing of this sort happens would i survive and if it doesn't well, then it'd be a good thing b'cause I'd , at least , have the experience right!

trying to switch off my mind and flow with the wind...or maybe try n finish the bloody assignments i have to submit in a day's time.

if only i thought about them with such ardour I'd have higher grades and happier parents!!

to answer the question of the day - "do i have a reason to celebrate?"

It does seem like i do- i have all my body parts in working condition, m (will be in a months or so) on the brighter side of 20's, m in my dream campus studying my favorite subject, have a wonderful family,have great people around me taking pains to see that i finish my assignments on time,have a room all to myself(errmm.. i do share it with a couple -Mrs and Mr. Mouse) and my privacy....

yet, a question reverberates in my mind: - "do i have a reason to celebrate?"

I have decided to stop paying heed to this and celebrate...

I will celebrate the lies I am being told, I will celebrate the hypocrisy around me, I will celebrate the sickness that life seems to have become,i will celebrate the absence of love in my heart
, i will celebrate the painful memory that it has become. i will celebrate the petty ends that precede me in the hearts of people who matter, i will celebrate the tears that sometimes grace me with their presence so that i don't feel lonely, i will celebrate all the reasons that are in the making...and will be added in the present list.

Like i said in the beginning i am a true Indian when it comes to celebrating....i proudly continue to be one.

well, I'll keep it short, although we Indians have a tendency to get into the celebratory mood at the drop of a hat, and I am a true Indian when it comes to that...but not today(guess i am too sleepy).

well the question for the day is "Do I have a reason to celebrate??"

p.s:will elaborate- for my sake, more than anybody else's- when i come back from the torture of a class i have in like...3...2...1... shit !! now i m late...well what the hell!! its a celebration, i started a new blog today(Ahem...the Indian in me surfacing again i see.)