That was a post from January 10, 2011 and I am moving it here and adding to it for the upcoming anniversary since this is a very interesting case.

Zeller speaks of “the darkness” and his is very serious but I know in a smaller way what it is to be pursued in this manner and to battle the darkness back. One of the difficult things about this is that you cannot tell people because they will demand you be cured, possibly of something other than what you have. I had this, and it was limiting me, but people did not want to recognize it if it were not willing to be what they wanted it to be and respond to what they thought it should.

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I think, to answer Zeller’s question, that a lot of people have this to some degree, and I do not think it is well understood. Zeller talks about it very fluently and I think there might have been a treatment for him, if it had been invented. This darkness is of course what got to Arguedas as well, although Alberto Moreiras and others can give additional reasons for his huis-clos.

Priscilla Archibald wants to depoliticize Arguedas’ suicide and I also think this is the more revealing view. When Reeducation started I was giving a seminar on Vallejo and Arguedas and this was used as evidence I was damaged — they had to be, so I had to be.

Vallejo writes as though he had it but I think he is the one who looks more like a classic depressive, if one must make a diagnosis; other words that come to mind would be difficulty, awareness, grief. Here is one of the brief biographies of him one can find; these are growing increasingly different.

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I have not read the latest quasi-biography of Vallejo (that I know of offhand) and I should. It is short and by Silva-Santisteban, and it is from 2010, and it accompanied an exposition. I have said this before but someone should write a serious biography of this poet, because things just do not add up coherently yet.

I am oddly on the track of this person and I would like to sit down and just keep digging until I hit the vein. This was what I was going to do originally and, pace everything else I have said on the matter it is what I would have done without Reeducation. I would be famous now, because I am one of the designated hitters for this, I can tell.

That could mean Vallejo has to go into the present book, which still needs a form. Indeed I do urgently need a framework for this project.

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2 responses to “Bill Zeller, and those Andeans”

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be anally raped repeatedly as a child, so how can I enter into Zeller’s experience? It’s very sad.

We all live with darkness, since we all have to die. There are plenty of times when I feel that despair, but I also know that feeling is universal, and just knowing that is a big help in overcoming those moments. It’s best to stay with it and not try to run away but just let it subside. Find your strength again.

This is the part I don’t relate to, actually — living with darkness because of having to die. I know that is supposed to be how to feel, but I have the distinct impression that it is actually cultural and I am not in that culture.

On the other hand, I do know what it means not to be able to shake the abuser out of you, like Zeller. Having what was done interfere in your relationships and life. That is the “darkness” he is talking about, not some existential thing, and he describes it vividly.

Secretos y Saberes

1. While writing here is an excellent exercise for my English style and for writing as such, it is bad for my style in Spanish. Therefore some posts may be in languages other than English.

2. Corybantic, rather anarchical and possibly Liangian, this blog is opposed to everything I find mean. It criticizes things you may hold dear. It resists authoritarianism and received ideas. It vaporizes Fascists.

3. This blog is a codex you have found. It speaks to one and all. But it also holds secrets and hides its face, for I who now perform the ancient text must adapt its words for modernity. I am a sculpted skull on a stela at Copán.