Responsibility – Noted.

I wake up with a gut wrenching feeling that I haven’t done enough to support my beliefs n validate the experiences of others who are in psychotic states, sifting through mystical experiences or drowning in spiritual crisis. Every morning I tell myself that I have so many things left unsaid. I could have done more n yes, at this juncture, I should have done more. It is now not only a desire to bring light to this type of phenomena and ideas for better treatment, it’s a responsibility.

Here is a post I made in Shades of Awakening today in attempt to reach out. I’m considering this my ‘Cliff Notes’.

“Hi Everyone, I’m having issues with recovery from main stream psychiatric care n mental institutions n I could use some advice, validation n pointers. Since late September, I’ve been in the system’s hands n just got released a week ago. In that time, I was switched from one hospital to the next, shelters, hotels, etc.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2010, but even since then I don’t buy into it as a whole. I know what’s happening for me, personally. I’m in constant transition into a communion with my Highest Self, experiencing mystical states, going through spiritual crisis, all while shedding trauma as I transition.

I’ve met some amazing people through my stays, but still I’m left traumatized. This last time I was very unruly n extremely angry. The treatment was harsh n for some, inhumane.

I have a lot of trouble getting my words out due to judgement n fear of heavy medication, but this time, I stood up for my beliefs n for others, such as yourselves, who are going through similar transitions. This is why I was kept locked down for so long.

It’s a beautiful journey and I have a strong desire to share it to inspire others, but after 6 months in harsh, clinical settings I realize very few are ready to hear the reality. Very few. Especially psychiatrists. I was sedated, strapped down n went through too many meds to count, when all i want is to be free of this once n for all.

I have lost so many friends n family over this. Some simply think I’m crazy. And I’m not. I’m actually very sane most days. I’m just a ‘tad’ on the exuberant side n I have wild dreams. 😉 But I am not alone.

I’m left angered n hurt. Deeply scarred by the system n by those that don’t understand. I’m not just angry, I’m furious. Fed up n disgusted. Not angry at friends and family for not understanding, but more so angered by the force involved in treatment that has only plastered on more psychological harm. It’s more about a lack of willingness to listen to our side.

There has to be an alternative treatment for these awakenings. Are there? I believe i saw that there were some healing centers in the works where people can safely work through their symptoms, traumas n heightened states of euphoria. I know that Sean Blackwell is in the process of something similar.

I have no other way to vent other than to use my creative mind to its fullest potential. My plan is to get started on a screen play centered around this journey of 5 years. It was originally to fight the power of stigma while telling a fantastic story through mania, but now my focus is more on the side of these mystical experiences….questioning what’s really going on beneath the surface n what society is doing to repress our God-Given right to explore the depths of our minds, hearts n souls. I’m just beginning. But this is how I choose to bring light to this issue. It’s a very strong desire of mine to help others get excited about their own journies but at the same time, gain a sense of comfort, validation n understanding. It’s severely lacking as many of you know.

Sorry this is so long. I’m very passionate about this. I feel I’m put on this earth for such a time as this, for a purpose. We all were.

I want to eventually get to a point where I’m not using all of my energy in fighting the system. It’s exhausting n my ideas n energy are better suited elsewhere. I want to now focus my energy on telling the fantastic and sometimes traumatic stories behind our ‘psychosis’, spiritual awakenings, n transitions in a creative way that will touch many. My hope that in showing the beauty n purpose behind all of our experiences, people will see once n for all that we are not in fact, crazy after all…that everyone has this potential to rise to our highest self.