Benefits claimant admits subsistence income scam

AN unemployed man is scamming the taxpayer out of £67.50 a week, it has emerged.

He enjoys a rich tomato sauce on his pasta shapes

Former care worker Norman Steele does not have to lift a finger to receive the sum, equivalent to an annual salary of £3,510, which he uses to pay for a lifestyle of utility bills and Lidl sausages.

He spends his time sitting at home filling out job applications, or lounging in front of his 14” full-colour TV.

Steele said: “The best part is watching the Secret Millionaire, where the participants get to stay for a week in a flat that is supposed to illustrate grinding poverty but is still bigger and nicer than my place.”

Sales manager Wayne Hayes said: “For some reason I can’t seem to grasp the fact that £67.50 a week is a very small sum of money to live on. This fucker probably drives a top-of-the-range BMW and eats unicorn steaks every day.”

Factory worker Carolyn Ryan said: “The thought of other people having any amount of pleasure, however minimal, makes me sick. My life is utter shit so I don’t see why everyone else’s shouldn’t be too.”

Ms Ryan then used the phrase ‘end of’, as though that in some way validated her argument.

Her friend Emma Bradford said: “Some people on the dole are lazy bastards that do fuck all. I know this because I’m one of them.

“But that doesn’t stop me having a worthless, vindictive, judgemental opinion, and it is as follows: they should complete at least 900 job applications per day while wearing lead clogs.”