While having an interesting discussion with a friend this holiday season I learned there is a new television show gaining a lot of attention. A reality show that combines two great American traditions, marriage and plastic surgery, is now being featured on E! The new show titled “Bridalplasty” features a group of brides to be that are actually competing to go under the knife in order to perfect themselves before exchanging their sacred vows. Click here to see the show’s ridiculous trailer.

I will admit to watching a healthy dose of reality television. For example, puppet master Bret Michales provided my friends and I with endless entertainment as we watched him search for his “rock of love” by narrowing down a mixture of ex-strippers and strung-out groupies. I watched Snookie get punched in the face, and have seen plenty of “The Situation’s” abs. Still, after learning about this reflection of our culture (as expressed by reality T.V.) I find myself giving the wag of the finger to modern medicine.

Plastic surgery has evolved into something that extends far past its original purpose. No longer used for patients dealing with life altering deformities, plastic surgery has become the money-maker of the surgical world. At first, women just wanted a good pair of fake tits and a Paris Hilton nose. Now, it is literally anything and everything possible to make sure these women look exactly as their twisted minds think they are supposed to. Skilled surgeons are whoring themselves out to anyone who has the slightest case of low self-esteem. This “practice” is actually breeding a new form of addiction and finds itself entering people’s personal delusions (Heidi Montag comes to mind.)

“Bridalplasty” is not only demonstrative of a corrupted form of medical enhancement, but also shows an odd intersection of medicine and love. To take someone in sickness and in health used to mean that no matter the circumstances we will love each other until we die. These brides that are undergoing painful, expensive, and just plain petty surgeries are already sick! Their concept of love is based entirely on the way they look and plastic surgeons allows this skewed ideology to manifest. What sort of groom, television station, or society allows this to take place? In protest, I will never watch this show- even if I find myself perversely fascinated. Congratulations to science…for literally creating Brides of Frankenstein.

I cannot be certain about whether my existence is artificial. I am aware that for years my parents had sought help from various doctors while trying to conceive. Either none of it worked and I am 100% all natural, or it just took a little time to kick in. I like to consider myself a miracle baby.

Artificial Reproductive Technology (ART) has a booming market. And why not? Now that women are more “liberated” and out in the work field the possibility of having a child might not occur until late thirties, mid forties. I feel like there should have been a memo explaining that drying up would be the consequence of trying to keep up in a man’s world. Science, in its typical god-like fashion, has a solution. It can create babies. Even though we always claim that one could never put a price on life, a pretty penny will be spent trying to bring a child into the world. Approximately $60,000 will get one fertilized embryo placed in position for expected growth. No guaranteed success, and the price goes up each time. The next cocktail will put you back over $100,000. Over the age of 40 there is only about a 9% chance that this procedure will work. Geneticists also want in on the action. Before an embryo is chosen for insertion geneticists are now able to tell you the sex and which one is the healthiest-even going as far as giving the parents the actual percentage of a possible disability (such as spina bifida). Selection. How would a couple interested in the procedure go about making such a choice? And what gives them the right?

An interesting side story: I recently encountered ART serving as the actual branch between life and death when the parents of a brain-dead male patient wanted to extract sperm from their son so that they could impregnate his girlfriend. The parents of this young man happened to be wealthy horse breeders from Kentucky.

The last state in the US to enforce a sex toy ban has opened a sex shop in Huntsville with not one, not two, but three drive-thru lanes. Just in case, you know. Traffic tends to pile up. Especially in Alabama, where sex itself is also outlawed. “Pleasures” is making it just that much easier to obtain a glittery dildo.

banks are so hot these days.

Continuing the phallic tour of the saddest state in the country*, be sure to stop by the Hunstville Space Center.

Among women who had vaginal sex in their last encounter, the percentage who said they reached orgasm was 65. Among those who received oral sex, it was 81. But among those who had anal sex, it was 94. Anal sex outscored cunnilingus.

94-freaking percent?! Saletan speculates the anal-figure is so high because, seriously, within an isolated sexual experience, who just jumps straight into anal sex? You do everything else before! Basically, if you make it to anal sex, you’re both/(all) doing the right thing. Keep it up, taboo-breakers.

How on earth can Duke attract so much sexual derangement? This is hugely entertaining and it does not come with a side of guilt, because it is hard to feel sorry for any of those involved.

Karen F. Owen got her fuck on AND found time to actually conduct a thorough sexual study. Sure, she places lots of emphasis on the length and girth of the subjects’ penises, but this is relative to the general capacity and pleasure threshold of her vagina, so you can’t blame her, she takes big dick.

This is an accidental performance, a cyber happening, the next big thing since Joaquin Phoenix punked film critics.

People of Durham, Duke students, stop drinking the water. It is making Blue Horn-Devils out of you.