Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Taking Over the B.E.T Building: Operation Throatchop

A group of bloggers, upset at the pitiful display of entertainment that has come from Black Entertainment Television, has decided to join forces and take over the B.E.T Building. As many of you know, B.E.T has had a golden opportunity to put out informative programming, enlightening the masses that watch said station, but they have abandoned any responsible approach and has basically been a channel just showing video's. A group of men that go by the name H.A.I.L(HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, and Luke Cage) have plotted to take over the B.E.T Building and change their programming forever. This is how it went down.

Amadeo: So what are we waiting for, lets go in there and cause damage. Shit, I want to beat someones ass for the mere fact they had that animated whore Cita on there for so long. Ghetto ass network.

Luke Cage: OK, but before I go I have to say one thing. You're HumanityCritic?? I mean, you have some weight to you, but you are kind of short.

HumanityCritic: What are you saying?

Luke Cage: I mean, for all the "throat chopping", shit talking, and ass whipping you do on your blog I just expected something different that's all..

HumanityCritic: OK, OK

Luke Cage: You better show me something in there small fry, because weak links won't be tolerated.

(Iselfra and Amadeo giggling)

HumanityCritic: Damn yall that's fucked up! Take it easy Luke, I can hold up my part of the deal!

(H.A.I.L gathers around a radio listening to M.O.P's "Ante Up" so they can get pumped up)

(They all run toward the building in a single file line, with their weapons pointed downwards. Before they get to the door 5 guards come from nowhere and try to ambush them. Iselfra takes one of the guards out with his capoeira fighting style. HumanityCritic gives one a deadly throat chop, as Amadeo slams one to the ground with a mighty suplex. Luke Cage is holding two of the guards off of the ground by their necks, knocking their heads together and putting them out of commission)

Luke Cage:(To HumanityCritic) Nice throat-chop! OK, we're cool.

HumanityCritic: Wow, thanks!

(When H.A.I.L enters the building 40 more guards come out of nowhere)

HumanityCritic:(still tired from the previous battle, pulls out his gun and fires in the air): *Pow* Fuck this, all yall get on the ground, I ain't fighting all of yall.

(Every one of the guards get tied the fuck up as H.A.I.L continues on their mission. Along the way they reach the "Rap City" studio as they are taping the show)

Amadeo: This is all mine fellas! I had to endure year after wack year of this miserable show, the bullshit hip hop that they played, and every wack host who thought they were an M.C.(He runs over and knocks out the guest D.J and the new host) Don't get up motherfucker, this is my show now!(He proceeds to host the show, playing the underground videos that he wants, all while holding a AK-47)

(As Iselfra, HumanityCritic, and Luke Cage make their way down the hall they encounter the evil program director of B.E.T)

Iselfra: Well, well. You are the one responsible for ruining the minds of our young brothers and sisters out there huh?

Program Director: I am providing people with a service, a service to entertain

Iselfra: But you also have the responsibility to educate and inform your viewers. Yall got rid of Tavis Smiley, Ed Gordan, and your nightly news program. Those were the only respectable things about your bullshit network and now they are gone.

Program Director: But it is my experience that ignorant nigg...I mean, young African Americans respond to our new format.

Iselfra: See, "ignorant niggers"?? You don't even respect your viewers.(Iselfra walks over to the evil program director with a mean look on his face. Apparently Iselfra has been watching too much Star Wars or some shit, but he raises his hand and administers the Darth Vader "force choke" on the program director. The program director is clutching his throat, grasping for air)

HumanityCritic:(Rushes to the side of Iselfra) You don't want to do this man, you don't want this douchebag's blood on your hands!

Luke Cage: Damn that! I watched lil John 5 times this week, kill THAT motherfucker!

HumanityCritic: Don't encourage him!

(Iselfra releases the choke)

Iselfra:(holding director down, giving out backhands) When I am done with you(smack) you will show nothing but documentaries and educational programming!(punch)

HumanityCritic: I think he got the picture after you choked the shit out of him.

Iselfra: OK, OK. So where are yall going??

HumanityCritic: Luke Cage and I are going to 106th & Park to take that joint over. Free has got a phat ass, so of course we will be checking her out!!

Luke Cage:(clearing throat) Dude, I'm married, the only ass I check out is my wife's. But, I will go with you to "have your back".

HumanityCritic: Yeah right

(HumanityCritic and Luke Cage enter the 106th & Park studio. A.J tries to stop them but HumanityCritic kicks that motherfucker dead in the sternum, causing him to pass out)

Free: What is going on here?? Who are you guys?

HumanityCritic: We are here to change this piss poor station to something that black folks can be proud of. By the way, who is your guest today?

Free: The Ying Yang Twins

(The Ying Yang Twins walk out)

Ying Yang Twins: Yaaayuuh!! Yaaayuuuh!

(HumanityCritic loads up the clip to his 9mm, mouth watering like pavlov's dog, about to kill those motherfuckers)

Luke Cage:(looking at HumaityCritic) Don't you do it..

HumanityCritic: OK, but hand me your nightstick

(For the next 10 minutes HumanityCritic hands down a beating to the Ying Yang Twins that you wouldn't believe.)

HumanityCritic:(Standing over their unconscious bodies with their platinum teeth in his hand) Luke, how much do you think we could get for these on the street??

Luke:(Shaking Head)

(Robert Johnson, founder of B.E.T and the man who sold the station to Viacom for a shitload of money, appears out of nowhere)

Johnson: What are yall doing?? I know what the agenda of H.A.I.L is and you are totally wrong! B.E.T is a positive influence on the black community and the mere thought that we promote negativity is irresponsible on your part. See, when I started this network..

(Belle comes out of no where and lands a powerful uppercut to Johnson, making him airborne, causing his body to come crashing to the ground)

Belle: I was supposed to be part of your crew, but because the asshole writing this was so in love with the H.A.I.L acronym I got bumped to the end of the story. Plus, you guys spent all that energy fighting all those guards when the back door was open. Remember, this IS B.E.T, negros take smoke breaks!

HumanityCritic: Damn Free, you sure got a fat ass.

Free: Get away from me!!

Iselfra: That's my boy critic, always a hit with the ladies.

Amadeo: So, whats next? After we fully change the programming here, where is our next location.

HumanityCritic: Well, there is a station in my hometown called 103 Jamz. They play nonstop bullshit 24/7, the worst Hip Hop imaginable, and they are a clear-channel station. Lets get those motherfuckers.

41 comments:

Ahhh taking over Rap City...now my soul can rest. You've tapped into the depths of me. I would have liked to give A.J. one good stomp though...he must be someones cousin or something cause he has no talent.

Hey man. I've got one question for you. Carrying all this ordnance around is no joke. Why stop here? I say we go to the White House and paint that jammee black! H.A.I.L!!!! You're on point my friend. Nice tale.

I didn't realize BET was still on the air. I pretty much stick to Animal Planet and ESPN (unless The Shield is on FX). I was thinking that after you handle 103, maybe y'all can you stop by Progressive Insurance...

LOL @ Will.... YOU are too funny HC!!! Had me dyin, again!!! I wonder if people think we're crazy, cause you know your readers are cracking up, just staring at the computer all intently! I know my co-workers think I'm insane! Anyways, thanks and I'll take the number for H.A.I.L (cause ummm Ima need y'all to take over at my job) ! :)

When I said I think I love you I made a mistake, I think it is now absolute lust. Any man that wants to beat fire out of the ying yang twins is on my "Gotta Give This Dude Some" list (bad part is you gotta ask yourself... some of what - I'd be afraid if I were you).