If you're a betrayed spouse who has just discovered your partner’s affair,
it's likely that you're experiencing emotional turmoil. Finding out that a
partner has been unfaithful often brings with it grief – the spouse whom you
believed to be faithful no longer exists and your marriage will never be the
same as it was before discovery.

Understand that grief is a natural reaction to affair discovery.
While grief usually marks the end of something - the end of a life, the end of
a way of life, etc. – affair discovery usually signals the end of a way of
thinking. You are no longer able to think that your marriage is immune to an
affair – and if you’ve got substantial affair evidence – you can no longer
think or deny that an infidelity actually happened.

Grief stemming from betrayal and affair discovery does not mean that
your marriage is over. But whether you choose to end the marriage or work
through this marriage crisis to build a better relationship – you will still
have to work through the "affair discovery" grieving process.

If you’ve discovered an extramarital affair, it would be extremely helpful
for you to read literature relating to the grieving process - to know how
specific grief stages apply to your situation. You can do an online search or
go to your local library and read articles or books about the grieving
process. But while we are here, I will briefly point out three common stages
of grief - stages that usually do accompany affair discovery: denial, blame,
and anger.

Denial

Many betrayed spouses suffer through initial shock. They have phases in
which they tell themselves repeatedly, "This can’t be happening!" They wish it
were all a bad dream - that they’ll wake up to discover the nightmare has
ended. Some betrayed spouses even continue to look for evidence of the affair
long after the affair is established – I believe these people are really
trying to convince themselves that there’s been some kind of mistake – that it
didn’t really happen.

Blame

In this stage many betrayed spouses wrongly point the finger at themselves
or at the other man or other woman in the triangle. I think this is an attempt
to salvage "good will" for the betrayer. While it may be true that you were
not the perfect spouse prior to your partner’s unfaithfulness – and while it
may be true that the third party was relentless in their pursuit of your
spouse – it is also true that your spouse is ultimately responsible for his or
her own behavior.

Anger

Anger by the betrayed is directed at many sources: at the
betrayer for his or her disloyalty and dishonesty - at the third party for
their involvement - at themselves for not noticing the signs or being able to
prevent such circumstance from happening – at the people who knew about the
affair but neglected to tell – and even at God for allowing such painful
events to occur.

The ultimate goal of healing and working through grief is to come to a
point of acceptance. You need to accept that the affair
happened. You need to accept that it wasn’t your fault – that guilt
belongs to the offender. And you also need to accept that it is okay to
be angry – you should be angry. But it is also okay to forgive and move
forward – and in time, you will. But as you work through these initial
grieving stages, understand that they are normal – this is an important
realization when your emotions are surging out of control.

After you've accepted that your emotional response to affair discovery is
normal – you are still left in a crisis situation. It is likely that you’re
having trouble eating, sleeping, and maintaining a normal daily balance. It’s
probable that your mind is in constant motion – searching for clues you
missed, replaying your discovery day scene by scene, etc. The best case
scenario is that your spouse has come clean – admitted their affair – accepted
accountability for the inappropriateness of their behavior - ceased all
contact with the other person – and desires to work towards healing of your
marriage. If this is the case – your grieving time after affair discovery and
the resulting emotional crisis for you may be significantly shortened.

Many offenders, however, do not behave in a repentant manner: they may
continue to deny their affair despite clear and convincing evidence to the
contrary; they may deny accountability for their behavior and blame the
innocent spouse; they may be in denial over the inappropriateness of their
behavior; they may be angry about discovery circumstance or angry to be held
accountable for their behavior, etc. Some offenders also become angry because
they're now placed in a position of real choice: they are forced to decide
whether to give up the extramarital relationship or to give up the marriage –
they're no longer able to have their cake and eat it, too. If you're dealing
with a spouse who reacts this way to affair discovery – and you want to
salvage your marriage – you're facing an additional obstacle to healing.
There is no repentance and this is just as hurtful as initial discovery -
because you’re dealing with continued rejection on a daily basis.

Does lack of repentance mean you should give up? Not necessarily. Your
spouse may come around to repentance once they accept the full scope of what
they’ve done. There is no way to tell in the beginning if they will get to
the point of repentance – especially if an underlying depression helped your
spouse rationalize involvement in an extramarital affair. If this is the case,
they are likely to be in a chemical "fog" that will diminish with time.

It is a scientific fact that new relationships – especially secret ones –
cause our bodies to release a rush of endorphins and neurotransmitters which
cause euphoria and act as self-medication to a depressed person. That’s why
you hear the phrase, "But I just feel so good when I’m with him or
her!" This is the "fog" stage – and it does diminish somewhat after an affair
is discovered and the offending party is forced to look at reality rather than
the fantasy of secret love.

If you spouse is in a fog state – it is best to separate your decisions
from his or her behavior for a while. It is perfectly okay for you wait for
six months or so before you decide whether or not you want to continue the
marriage. As in any crisis – it is best that you do not make any life
altering decisions until you've had time to digest your new circumstance. Do
not move, sell a house, get divorced, etc. until you feel free of emotional
pressure – and this might take months.

If you feel the need to protect yourself from your spouse financially –
talk to a lawyer about getting temporary orders which 1) forbid disposing of
marital property and 2) establish financial support orders. These temporary
orders do not mean that a divorce is imminent, but they will help to give you
peace of mind and one less thing to worry about while you are coping with an
emotional crisis.

And now – how do you cope when you can’t eat, sleep, or think straight?
Here are some tips that might help to make your life a little easier right
now:

Force yourself to eat regularly and in a healthy manner.

Treat
yourself just like you were your own child – you wouldn’t let your kid skip
breakfast, have beer for lunch, and a bag of chips for dinner, would you?
Don’t let yourself do it either - take your vitamins – and eat even if you
aren’t hungry. You will have more energy to deal with this crisis if your
body is not exhausted from lack of nutrients.

Do not abuse substances or medication.

Do not choose this time to
start drinking a little more than usual – do not double up on your
prescription medication dosages – and do not smoke more than you usually
do. In the middle of a crisis, it is not uncommon for a pack-a-day smoker
to indulge in two or three packs a day – or – for a light drinker to have a
couple of extra glasses of wine at one time. Don’t do it! If you catch
yourself doing it, refer to tip number one and treat yourself as you would
your own child. The same goes with coffee – because all of these substances
will impair your body’s ability to rest properly.

Get plenty of sleep. If you’re having a hard time sleeping
because of reoccurring bad dreams or trouble getting to sleep because of
reoccurring negative thoughts – give yourself permission to take a break
from your worries and temporarily forget them. You do this by keeping a
journal at your bedside and writing down everything that is troubling you –
especially things that you don’t want to forget. Because you will have
written these thoughts down, your subconscious will give you permission to
forget them temporarily – because a hard copy is available. This really
works – so do not dismiss this strategy! You can also trick your
subconscious by only allowing yourself specific worry times. For example,
make an appointment for 6pm to worry for an hour. During that hour –
brainstorm everything you have to worry about and write it all down in a
worry journal. If you come up with a new worry before 6pm or after 7pm –
quickly jot your worry down in the journal and promise yourself that you
will evaluate it during your next worry appointment. I know this sounds
silly – but try it, because it really works to free your mind so that you
can both rest and concentrate on other things.

Clarify your priorities. Free your mind and your schedule by
clarifying exactly what is a priority to you – and doing only priority
projects. When you do this – realize that each and every chore that faces
you during the day shouldn’t be a priority. For example: the car doesn’t
have to be washed for it to get you to work tomorrow, the kitchen will not
be condemned if its floor isn’t mopped, your teeth will not fall out just
because you cancel one dentist appointment, and your friend really will
forgive you if you stay home and nap instead of going out to the movies with
her, etc. Decide exactly what is important – and do only that which is
important.

Do the least amount of work possible to meet your priorities.
This step is almost as important as clarifying your priorities! For example,
if your kids need to be fed dinner and it’s a priority – then you can make
them sandwiches or order a pizza instead of spending an hour cooking and
washing dishes. If your kids are begging for attention and this is a
priority – curl up on the couch and watch their favorite movie with them
instead of walking to the park. This same concept applies to employment as
well as home situations. For example, if your boss asks you to write a
report – the report needs only to be accurate and concise – it doesn’t have
to be good enough to win a writing contest, etc. If you have the option of
not working overtime – go home, instead. There will be time to play super
hero when you feel better – and right now, you need to take care of
yourself.

Ask for Help! It is likely that you have several people in your
life right now who could ease your burdens considerably – and telling them
that you feel overwhelmed is often enough to get them to volunteer
assistance. This doesn’t mean you have to tell them about the crisis you’re
dealing with, you can just say, "I’m worried about something that I don’t
feel comfortable sharing, but it would sure help me if…." Then ask for
specific favors: get another mom to pick the kids up from school for you,
ask another family to baby-sit for you overnight, ask your coworker to cover
your shift, get the kid next door to cut your grass, etc. You can always
return favors when your life settles down – right now, you need to
concentrate on getting some rest, coping, and grounding yourself emotionally

See a counselor. Even if your spouse refuses to go to counseling
with you – go alone! Talking to a counselor will help you to weed out
destructive thinking and self-blame, especially in the beginning.

Give yourself permission to not make any important decisions.
Guess what? You don’t have to decide whether or not to continue the marriage
right now. You probably don’t have to move right now. You probably don’t
have to make any decisions right now – so give yourself some time to
grieve first and then make your decisions after you’ve regained some
emotional balance. If you're worried about financial issues – get a
temporary order forbidding disposal of any marital assets along with a
support order as mentioned above. Be firm with your lawyer - tell him or
her that this is just for your peace of mind and that you do not plan to
make any decisions soon.

Set boundaries with friends and family. Just because your sister
wants to know everything that is happening in your marriage – and just
because she has strong opinions about what you should and shouldn’t do - it
doesn’t mean that you have to listen to her. It is okay for you to say, "I
know you want to help and I am thinking about these things on my own, but I
don’t really want to talk about it, so please respect my wishes." If she
insists, then tell her, "I know you want to help – but do you know what
would be most helpful right now? I need someone to watch the baby for a few
hours. Are you up for that?" Change the script to fit your individual
circumstance but remember that well-intentioned people who insist on giving
you unwanted advice usually do want to help in some way – so assign
them alternate chores to free your time and mind.

Give yourself permission to make your own decisions. Do not
feel obligated or pressured to act on anyone else’s ideas and opinions. If
you want to forgive – forgive. If you want to work on your marriage – do
it. If you want to end your marriage – then make sure that it is your
decision and not a decision that is pressed onto you by an outside party.
Everyone and their brother will come out of the woodwork to give you advice
right now so be true to yourself – because in the end, this is your life and
not theirs. I'm going to make an exception here, though - if your friend is
reminding you of spiritual issues that you have held dear in the past, pay
special attention. Sometimes we have a tendency to blame God for the
behavior of other people when we're hurt. Remember the footprints in the
sand - sometimes we can only see God's faithfulness when we're looking
backwards.

Clear your calendar for
feel-good activities.

Be sure to pencil in some "normal" time with your
kids, your friends, and your family members. Such times should be free of
tension and affair or relationship discussion – give yourself permission to
take a break from your worries. Take your kids to the zoo, see a movie, go
out to coffee, etc. and get back in touch with your world outside of affair
discovery. This might seem easier said than done at first, but allow
yourself time to concentrate on what is good and right in your life - there
is something in your life to be thankful for. Relish those things
with regularity.