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Saturday, April 03, 2004

THAT LAST MARK AND LARD IN FULL: We weren’t going to bother to do this - it’s last Friday’s [28th March] Mark and Lard farewell show from Radio One, play-by-play, - because the Real Media stream cut off before the end, so it wouldn’t have been complete. But they’ve fixed that now, and so we have been able to hear the lot:

0’ 00 Newsbeat closes with ‘Radio one’s tribute to Mark and Lard’, done in a Mark and Lard style - i.e. Chris Moyles team hollering along to a backing tune, in this case ‘have a Nice Day’ by the Stereophonics. It includes Andy Parfitt phoning in a line from a “management training course” in Brazil. Being trained to manage what, exactly?

The show proper starts with Mark complaining that the news has overrun ninety seconds - “Can’t these people back time properly?” - and playing a call from David Bowie, who claims to be in Tokyo and then remembers he’s in Osaka.

White Stripes - Seven Nation ArmyBlack Box Recorder - Facts of Lifehmm... could this be a theme? Will it all be colour bands through the show?

Apparently, at this point, the DAB ticker was reading “Bye bye Mark and Lard! We love you loads. From everyone at Radio 1”

12’ 00 Mark reads out a “small card” from Paul McCartney and warns Sara Cox “We’re anticpating finishing at three, within about twenty minutes. I’ve dropped eight records already.” The carnival atmopshere is only ruined by the announcement that Travis are in the studio to play live, something which will probably have Radio 2 wondering if they’ve done the right thing. Fran Healy is wearing a “Casey Jones” hat but has “now taken his four woolly coats off.”

Travis - Love Will Come Through (live)

20’ 00 Mark dedicates it to his wife, because he’d apparently never played a song for her on the radio before. It’s then Great Moments In Pop (“the last ever one”) but the winner has already been decided, as a compliance officer from Denbighshire had got the answer right on Wednesday morning in a pre-emptive strike. Clue one is people saying “it might be the highlight of my life” in the rain.

22’ 17” - “for the last time” it’s the Rabbi Lionel Blair, who reveals he’s more a Steve Wright in the Afternoon person. His spiritual message tells how he’s cramming homeless people into his coal bunker as “it’s a nice little earner”

25’ 25” - Neil Hannon from the Divine Comedy drops in a ‘good luck’ message, probably aware it’s the last time his voice is ever likely to be heard on Radio One.

The Divine Comedy - Come Home Billy Bird (“our last ever record of the week.”)

Janes Addiction - Just BecauseTen Benson - Mysetery Man (another act we suspect won’t be heard on daytime Radio One any time again soon)

43’ 00” - There’s thirteen people gathered in the rain outside the Oxford Road studios. It’s now time for the last ever Mystery Man, a face-off between a policeman from Woodstock and someone from Camberley playing hookey while pretending to be at the dentist. Mark tells Lard that this time there’s a real mystery celebrity - “I’m fed up with you always pretending to be the celeb.”

Blimey... it’s Thom Yorke. The policeman wins. Thom does a “big hello” to everybody and claims he’s just making “stupid noises” in the studio.

Radiohead - 2+2=5

53’ 09’ James from Starsailor say goodbye to the “most honest djs” and giggles a little bit too much

Starsailor - Good Souls (“a record of the year a couple of years ago”)

57’ 00” “It would probably have been wrong to have a last day without this guy...” Damon Albarn does a cracked voice farewell song.

60’ 00” Belle and Sebastian do a special song -”we remeber the day you first played our tune/ and now we are minted.” The chorus (“Mark and Lard”, repeat to fade is a bit shit, though).

Belle and Sebastian -

63’ 11” The Stereophonics drop in a slightly bitter sounding “we’re going to miss your witty comedy and slagging us off all the time.” They’re clearly trying to be the bigger men, but they can’t disguise that they’d rather be sticking pins in their eyes. “That took a lot” observes Mark.

65’ 08” - Jimi from Doves wishes the duo a happy future in their new careers “as nobodies.”

Doves - There Goes The Fear (“I think another record of the year... we should have checked these things.”)

73’ 04”Travis - Driftwood (live) - chosen by Mark (“If push came to shove and you had to choose a favourite Travis track...”)

78’ 22” - Elbow send a message - to the tune of Without You. Almost.

Elbow - Powder Blue

82’ 55” - Fat Harry White turns up to provide a last slew of double entendre - “no problem getting up first thing... i popped inside for a quick nibble... not afraid of offering a man a full spread, is foxy... i spilled my cargo... the whole neighbourhood was watching me shoot my creamy load up foxy fiona’s entrance... me and Fat Larry had the two benders on the left... just a little tiddler to show for it... pulled the zip right down and thrust me tiddler between her flaps... i was sat there for half an hour with everybody looking at my stiff knob... i shot my mess over Radcliffe’s rump...” but, shockingly, at the end, it turns out Fat Harry White doesn’t exist, because it was just Mark Radcliffe with an effect on his microphone all along. How cheated and foolish do we all feel now, eh?

Johnny Cash - Hurt

90’ 42” - It’s the Cumbrian tight throat singing thing which never really worked as well as some of their other stuff.

94’ 06” - Newsbeat, with the wonderful Georgina Bowman. Maxine Carr turns out to have been Mark Radcliffe with an effect on his voice. The manager of Big Brvaz tries to explain that there’s a difference between smoking drugs in your house and taking drugs through customs at an airport, which clarifies the law no end for us.

96’ 36” - Kylie and Grandaddy say goodbye, although not together, which would have been better.

Grandaddy - The Crystal Lake

104’ 21” - “We’re already running late” observes Lard, because they’d forgotten to play an episode of Great Moments In Pop. Clue Two “Howling Gales, West Country accents, Emily, Dad... what could it be?”

Travis - After Mark And Lard Go (Live), a rewriting of the Keane song ‘Somewhere Only We Know.” (In the style of The Shirehorses.) It’s actually pretty funny and cute, and for a moment or two we quite warm to Travis (“meet the man who pulled the plug/ and I’ll show you Britain’s biggest mug...”)

107’ 42” - “what I like about that was Neil kept his head down and played serious like the other tunes...” The Shirehorses then reunite to do ‘Why Is It Always Dairylea?’ with Travis on backing (“it’s Jim’ll Fix it for you lads”) “processed cheese... what have they done? That bloody Philadelphia tastes like... come to the chorus now Why is it always Daiylea/ when in the contract it stipulated brie?/ I’ve got some nice red wine in/ I was looking forward to dining...”

111’ 51” - “the only place to go is the big reveal on Great Moments in Pop”, which is the triumphant headlining of Glastonbury by the Shirehorses “Radiohead were on on Saturday night - in the dark...” when the stage sun

The Shirehorses - I Know Where We’re Going

118’ 52” - Peter Kay is on the phone, claiming that he was made by them - “You bought my mum a bungalow. I’ll see you in Jobclub.”

119’ 48” - Coldplay say goodbye to the tune of Candle in the Wind (“Radio One have got Edith Bowman in/ she’s younger, she may well talk about Busted...”) Travis and Coldplay being funny? It’s brought the best out in everyone

120’ 32” - “Last time I’ll ever put this on”, observes Mark, putting on the ‘bye-bye tune’ “...and bye bye about seventy grand’s worth of PRS money for Cornershop every year - sorry, lads... That, more or less, is it... [very long list of thank yous] Nothing will ever be quite the same again... the end of mark and lard on Radio One... hopefully we’ve gone with some grace and dignity today, not moping about. That’s why our last record is this:”

Kiss - Crazy Crazy Nights

129 ‘ 49’ - a creaking door, and Mark finds Lard alone “lets go to the pub, and you can buy me a pint”“one last catchphrase?”“half a catchphrase?”“stop...”

Then, apparently, someone forgot to fade back up the London feed, so Radio One fell into complete silence, which seems somehow appropriate...

The full programme is available at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/rpms/r1marklard.rpm