ummm, Im not sure where to start, I havent had the greatest life, my mom died when I was 15, I lived on my own for a month or two, supposedly living with my dad, but he was never there. after that my best friends family took me in, they are my new family, they treat me like I was their own.

Then a few weeks after I turned 17 and I was doing the running start at a community college, I got out of my evening class and was walking to my car when a guy grabbed me and put me in his truck. he took me to some woods several miles from the campus and tied me up. he abused me and raped me for the whole night, using a knife to threaten me and cut me. by the time the morning came around I was asking him to kill me. he left when the sun came up, and the police came that evening. they had been looking for me all night and day.

I was taken to a hospital, treated for cuts and 4 minor stab wounds. they said if he had used a bigger knife I would have died. I was released I think 1 or 2 weeks later, Im not sure.

A few weeks after that I attempted to end my life, I now have scars on my wrists and wear sweatbands everyday to try and cover those scars up.

Not long after that I found out I was pregnant from my rape. I had to get an abortion, my best friend and best friends mom came with for support.

I went through a phase right after my mom died where I was sleeping with guys I barely knew. when I was just 16 I had slept with a guy who was between 43-45. I am ashamed to admit I did this but Im out of ideas. I feel like there isnt much in my life to live for. I have 8 scars from where my rapist cut me. 4 on my lower back and 4 near my vagina. this is very embarassing but Im out of ideas. I cant afford a therapist and too embarassed to go to a help clinic.

I just need to know is there anything I can do? its hard for me to meet new people and form a relationship. everytime I try to have sexual relations the guy sees the scars down there and asks what happened but Im afraid to say.

I miss my Mom, I wish I was half the woman she was. she was killed by a drunk driver coming to pick me up from a friends house. I wonder now if she would be proud or ashamed of me. I hope I can someday be as good of a mom as her, although the scar tissue and stab wounds might prevent me from having kids of my own.

So please, is there anything I can do? I think about these things everyday and I just want to have a normal life again. thanks for your responses if I get any. sorry for the long story but I have to say this, it needs to come out. Im 20, its been 3 years since I was raped but it feels like it happened yesterday.

Oh my! From what I've read of your story, you've had no counseling what so ever? If so, then you must get going on this. You can call the Rape Crisis Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE; or go to http://www.rainn.org.
The latter is the website for Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. These places will point you in the right direction so that you can get the help you need. It doesn't matter whether or not you have money---they still can help you.

You've been through hell but if you reach out for a lifeline and do the work needed, you can heal and move on. Of course you will never forget what happened but with help you can deal with it and get on with your life.

As for whether or not you will be able to have children --- I say, don't jump to conclusions just yet and don't worry about it right now. When you find the right man, you cross that bridge when you come to it. There are so many different fertility treatments these days---you can even use a surrogate.

Of course you miss your mom. From reading your post, it appears that your mom died 5 years ago. If your grief is still very intense, perhaps you should seek out a support group. Here's a website you can check out: http://www.griefnet.org/support/sg2.html
If you don't think that this group will meet your needs, then do a web search as there are other groups around.

Please reach out for help today. As you can see, you do have options. I am really sorry that you went through this and hope that you do take that lifeline. All the best to you.

Random assaults like the one you have described affect your life forever. I know this as something similiar, albiet not as serious as what happened to you, happened to me a long time ago.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Anger and rage are very typical because how dare he do this to you. How dare he ruin your day/life like that.

Counselling in whatever way is comfortable for you can be very helpful; this means finding a good supportive and mature friend to talk to and/or going to see someone professional. I saw someone professional, and have since spoken with friends and gone back for more counselling when/if it felt appropriate. I went to a clinic especially dealing with sexual assault and I think its a good idea to find a worker who is skilled in this area as they have the experience to know what you are going through.

Unexpected flashbacks have been a problem from time to time; and these are times I usually feel I need to talk. This may be the same for you. I have found talking with other victims very helpful as they REALLY understand what you are talking about and what you feel inside. By the way, I am still angry from time to time and its been 10 plus years since, and its normal to feel that way.

(I have left it to others to offer you the specifics of counselling, etc)

Bless your heart. (as my mother would say) because clearly you know in your depth that the suffering you have expeienced is not the whole of you, nor even the *realest* by any stretch part of you.

And that is not to say that there is anyplace in yourself or your experience that ought to be 'cut off' or put into a box, and kept out of reach. You know that, or you wouldn't be at this point of asking for help.

I was just thinking about someone who had a forum on CZ and is a person of wisdom and deep compassion. I am sure he could speak to you in a way that would touch and heal your heart, and your wounded 'spark'. I do know something of what you have experienced, and I can honestly tell you that the torment of suffering CAN end. Along with healing of the pain and loss...

(and there is lots you can do--as others will suggest)

Maybe (as well) you can go read in Ask Andreas some of his R'd posts, and get a feel for his insight. The reason is, I think just 'hearing him' and others' concerns -that dialogue- will bring you a feeling of renewed inspiration to go on--a strong sense of not being alone, and a knowledge that you are really a Divine being who is most probably doing some very deep work in this life. I cannot articulate this well. Your gifts (and the transforamtion of pain to light) have yet to flower, but when they do, you will be a big blessing to others.

I didn't hear/read any bitterness in your post. I'm not saying that you are comfortable with what has happened to you, I'm saying that I didn't HEAR or see any evidence of "BITTERNESS". This absence of bitterness means that you are HEALING NOW, not completely about everything yet, but take notice that you/"SELF" are already healing.

It is important for you to notice that you are a 'SURVIVOR' person that now has a 'survivor's wisdom'/INSIGHT (you truly understand the significance of a person's pain and suffering).

It probably won't be too long before you are able to offer other people helpful advice, but hold off until you are strong enough and have gotten a handle on your own recovery. You have to first realize that you have suffered many injustices.

You have done nothing to deserve mistreatment (no one deserves to be mistreated). Sure, there are things (scars) that you will not brag about in public, but you have done nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

I'm 55 and have suffered 51 years of suicidal depression, so I know what it means to be demoralized/dehumanized and what it means to be a survivor that has not sunk/retreated into bitterness. Of course a person who suffers misfortune unjustly should be given the "SORROW" kind of pity TEMPORARILY, but anything more is demeaning/belittling of YOU/SELF and makes them weaker (they become "cry babies" and primadonnas).

A "SURVIVOR" who has stayed strong enough to remain themselves without constantly requesting everyone's pity ('primadonnas' become BITTER, true survivors become BETTER) become a better "SELF" (stronger person).

In manners of speaking, many people who haven't survived/endured any misfortunes will say that your life has been "ruined", but you know that it HAS NOT, you are STRONGER than that and WILL ADJUST (you are a true SURVIVOR, not a weak primadonna). They will also say that you will "never forget". Of course you aren't destined for amnesia (you're not going to actually lose your memory), but with a strength like yours, you will "adjust" and be 'at peace' in your recovery. Never label yourself or think of yourself as "forever" sad/depressed (because YOU 'self-heal'). Don't underestimate yourself.

Regular people limit themselves by using "labels" and they are 'fragile', but you are a true survivor and self-heal (your body/mind repairs itself),...you feel the 'SENSATION' (not 'PAIN') of self-healing. Be strong.

Many people are shallow, so you won't find too many guys that can feel comfortable seeing your scars. Learn to recognize that "shallowness" before it gets to the bedroom, and then find a guy who is not shallow, you are too profound not to have a conflict with a shallow person.

When you start to 'come to grips' with your own pain and suffering, then you can start offering your insights to others (helping people is very good therapy) and you may even find that this is what you want to do as a career (you could probably soon help here at Curezone when/if you are comfortable/ready).

Not trying to be an ass by saying this but there's always plastic surgery and a good plastic surgeon could make the scars not look so bad and possibly non existent. They basically "cut" the scars off and stretch a new piece of skin over it so it's smoother and hidden. Might want to look into it and keep it in mind for the future. At least there's a chance at some positive light at the end of the tunnel to be able to look at yourself in a mirror and not be repulsed.

I have tons of scars. One on my arm from a sharp knife that cut through a few layers of skin. Not from anything like this, but still..its a scar. and even though I have a permanent red line on my arm, scars really do fade over the years. It was a smooth cut though. The lumpy, bumpy or bubbly scars can be fixed by a good surgeon.

Stop worrying so much about sex and what they would think. Don't rush into the sex with a new guy. If you're with the right guy, you should be able to TELL him this upfront before he gets your clothes off and is shocked. You don't have to have sex on the first date, the first week or even the first month. Some people wait months before they get into bed. Find the guys that aren't just looking for sex and they won't care so much about you looking "perfect" down there. With all your emotional stress from all this, you shouldn't be just finding guys to "date" and then have sex with anyway because it might be more than you can handle. Sex is not the best way to get or keep a guy even for those with the perfect bodies.

There's always options for kids too. Even if you can't carry them yourself, you might still have the option of finding a seragate someday who will take your eggs and your partner's sperm so it's still "your" baby and a part of you, it just won't come out of you.

Go somewhere and talk to a specialist about everything. You're not the only one out there who has been through this and they can help you more than you can help yourself.

not sure if this is any consolation - i myself came on this site to get some help but I was raped a few months ago by three men who cut me on my breasts and vagina as well
I think of the rape every time I see the cuts and I wish I could die- it is a physical reminder of the most abusive and degrading experience of my life
I have considered plastic surgery and may do it soon - I cannot bear to see these
as for sex with other men - i dont think i will contemplate it for a very long time - u have to heal but know u r not alone

A person at the beginning of their life can feel embarrassed about anything.

I wonder if it doesn't come from the judgementalism that we find most everywhere in the world.

You are just beginning your life. I promise you that by the time you enter your seventies, or even sooner, the world will look much, much different...much more manageable, and beautiful.

You simply have to see what you can do with it, and you are going to be wonderfully surprised!

One of my physical therapists, who is teaching me to walk again...told me that he went over a 50 ft. cliff with his car, and landed against trees.

He hurt a vertabrae in his neck/upper back and tore things in his arm.

I can imagine that a young man could find lots in a bad accident to be embarrassed about and a number of stupid ways to act while he heals.

Your life will take you to many experiences and consequences and behaviors, most of which will be amazing surprises.

The most important thing, of couse, is to love yourself, discover yourself, as you go.

I was 71 years old and had strokes before I discovered the love available in my 85-year-old husband...who has lost two wives to dreadful illnesses.

I am so fortunate to have his care and patience and attention...and to be alive to enjoy it.

I go back to the in-patient area of the hospital Rehab Dept. twice a week, just to look for a moment at the new folks who are learning the value of patients helping each other, even in only small ways, and the strength of the therapists who lift and train us.

Therapist John was a mechanic before he went over that cliff.

He now helps dozens of people who didn't know such effective help is available, let alone that THEY can do it.

We are all different, little one. Even in the world of strokes and brain surgery, etc., that I am just experiencing, there are folks who dive into their new experience and will never really 'want' to do the exercises and stuff to get out of it...to get better than I am now.

I am so lucky that I 'want' to get back to the best I can be.

I am my husband's third wife, and we noticed that I am the only one with the opportunity to be well, or better/improved.

Dearest Jan, you have not yet experienced the love of a good man who will see you as gorgeous, just as you are, and as you will be at any age...and you him.

Your babies, too, with all the love and care you can give them, are still in your wonderful future.

See these things, sweetheart, and don't fret the other experiences that may or may not come your way.

Your mom and dad gave you the best they had. Your new family gives you the best they have.

You, in turn, will pass on wonderful things you can only guess at.

One day you will sit in a rocker on the front porch and enjoy the little ones playing...while you wonder what experiences lie ahead for them.

Be not embarrassed, little one. Be wise. Observe people and choose the ones you want in your life...the ones whose lives you want to join.

You will make it just fine. We can hear it in your voice.

Love,

Fledgling

P.S. Just the other day it dawned on me that I will always be discovering unhappy things in the world that are far bigger than I can handle and solve. And, that I have this lovely imagination where I can see the world and people as perfect, and perfectly happy.

And I have this odd notion that my seeing things and people this way, helps.

So, I send out this picture of everyone discovering their best, and me associating with only the people I can be successful with. ...The rest are on their own and I wish them well.

I don't know if I am saying this well enough but I hope you understand.

I am so sorry that you were assaulted and that your world view has changed. There is free counseling through Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault agency that every state has. If they are not close check to see what other agencies offer free counseling. Your sadness is stacking up and it is important to work through the loss of your Mom, the loss of your family and the vicious rape. I promise you, life is worth living and if you can make it through the sadness, self loathing, self hatred, and anger there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I speak from experience.