Can infidelity save a marriage?

Dan Savage (R), writer of the column, Savage Love, is joined by his husband, Terry Miller, as they chat with reporters in the White House East Room on June 29, 2011 in Washington, D.C. Obama hosted a reception honoring Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, and Transgendered Pride Month. (Getty Images)

Those familiar with Dan Savage might recognize this sentiment from his syndicated Savage Love column: “The mistake that straight people made was imposing the monogamous expectation on men. Men were never expected to be monogamous.”

That’s what Savage told the New York Times Magazine in a feature-length story about why he thinks infidelity is OK — and why it can sometimes save a marriage.

The sex columnist recently fell into the national limelight with his “It Gets Better” campaign, aimed at letting troubled gay teens know there’s life after bullying. Regular readers of Savage Love won’t be shocked to hear that he’s advising couples to allow occasional infidelities, as long as they’re honest with their partners and don’t bring any diseases home.

But after hotly-debated displays of infidelity from Congressman Anthony Weiner and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a debate does seem timely.

Miller tells the magazine he was initially opposed to the idea of “monogamish” relationship.

“You assume as a younger person that all relationships are monogamous and between two people, that love means nothing can come between you,” said Miller. “Dan has taught me to be more realistic about that kind of stuff.”

The article points out that monogamy was long an ideal imposed on women. But when the feminist movement changed expectations, that didn’t mean women were free to have affairs.

It mean men weren’t.

And Savage argues that can be “a disaster for marriage.”

From the article:

While there are plenty of women who can separate sex from love, can be happily promiscuous or could have a meaningless, one-time fling, there are — let’s face it — more men like that. The world of Savage Love will always appeal more to men, even men who truly love their partners. Cheating men are often telling the truth when they say, “She meant nothing to me.” It really was just sex. And Savage tells us that, with proper disclosure and consent, just sex can be O.K.

But for many women, and not a few men, there is no such thing as “just sex,” for their partners or for themselves. What if a woman, or a man for that matter, looks outside marriage for the other emotional satisfactions that come along with sex? Savage has less to offer that person. He does not tell people to take long-term boyfriends or girlfriends. He is skeptical that group marriages, of three or more partners, can last very long. Nor could he have much to offer the person who feels a partner ought to constrain his urges. There is a reason that sex advice is easier to give than relationship advice. Satisfying a sexual yearning is easier than satisfying a hole in your life.

Judith Stacey, a New York University sociologist, sums it up this way: “One size never fits all, and it isn’t just dividing between men and women and gay and straight. Monoga­my is not natural, nonmonogamy is not natural. Variation is what’s natural.”