Tag Archives: Corona

Back in 2012, we wrote an article listing the 10 top selling beers in America. We made the point that these beers, which include Natural Light, Busch, and a red cup of stale keg beer from last night’s party that inexplicably has a Band-Aid in it Bud Light are, in the general sense of the term, ass-numbingly awful. Some of you read this and said, “Yes, these are bad beers” because you like to use the internet as a safe space for correct and well-reasoned mindsets. Some of you read it and said, “Fuck you and your IPAs, GIMME AN ICE COLD BUD” which was both disappointing because someone singed off your taste buds as a child, and surprising because we never once talked about IPAs in the entire article.

In the four years since the publication of our scathing exposé, a lot has changed in America. We have a black president now (*terrified intern scrambles and whispers in our ear*) okay we apparently had a black president in 2012 too, but either way more Americans are making a point to drink good beers, and are starting to steer away from the beer companies that see their sales numbers plummeting and have to resort to commercials saying, “DRINK OUR BEER, YA PUSSIES.”

So naturally, when 247wallst.com came out with an article titled “10 Beers Americans no longer Drink” we were enthralled to see that the beers on this list, which documents the beers with the largest sales drop from 2009-2014, are beers that America should actively be drinking less of. It’s articles like this that make us feel like we’re finally being heard as Americans who want other Americans to stop drinking shitty swill, or at least to get get drunk enough that it doesn’t matter what they’re drinking before switching to it. And because the major sites that picked up the story weirdly decided to copy/paste only a handful of list items as a weird way to combine stealing someone else’s work while not going through the effort to give you a complete list, we’re going to post the full top 10 list list, only instead of looking into “market trends” or whatever, we’ll just focus on how these beers are bad, and how it’s a good thing that you’re no longer drinking them.

“Mer mer mer I like Budweiser you’re just a hater a nice cold Bud mer mer nothing beats it I don’t like IPAs because mer mer mer I own an above ground pool and I spent more money on my lawn mower than my car shut up COORS RULESSSSS.”

~Angry commentators at the bottom of this page

As 2015 looms over us sinisterly, waiting for the right time to murder 2014 forever, our news feeds and Google streams become flooded with year-end lists. The year’s best movie, best album, best TV show, best whatever, we have hundreds of opinion-stated-as-fact year-end lists published each year, and while we don’t tend to indulge in that kind of nostalgia here in the affotd offices, we are at least aware of the phenomenon.

Now, while we question the authenticity of a “best of 2014” or “worst of 2014” list, because year end opinions are like assholes- we only listen to the first half of similes. However, one type of list that has come into increasing popularity in the internet age does have some merit. Year end lists that tell you “the most searched items of the year” are great for lazy writers, but they also manage to express something tangible about the previous year.

These aren’t the random musings of some asshole bloggers (hi there, glad you made it to our site, by the way), they are hard facts, data points that let us know what everyone in the nation is thinking about. When you see a “the ten most searched celebrity names” you invariably say to yourself, “Yes, we get it, Kim Kardashian broke the internet, we honestly don’t give a shit” while also admitting that it helps inform what’s most popular over a given period of time. There has to be some scientific value in that.

So when we saw the list of the most searched beers in America, we had a moment where we lost our composure. Now granted, the only searching for a beer that we do is blindly fumbling in our fridge for something that’s cold so we can make the shakes go away, and the only Google we use for that is the name of the hook we have to replace our left hand after the doctors took it on account of the diabetes. But it was disheartening to see how…well, bad the vast majority of these beers were.

America. We need to talk. Let’s go over this list, and have a frank discussion about where you disappointed us.

America’s Most Searched Beers of 2014 (A Guide On Doing Better Next Time, Goddamn It)

Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill. It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys. It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you. And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.

That even applies to[REDACTED]. For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him. Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you. He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.

Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines. Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.

Beer is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. And when it’s bad, you’re probably going to wake up the next day feeling empty, unsatisfied, and with an inexplicable headache. But no matter how good or bad it is, America just keeps coming back for more. And if this metaphor were to really hold its own weight, we’d have to hope that Americans in general prefer good beer, then. Because who wants bad beer? Date rapists? The French? Spuds McKenzie?

Nope, turns out fucking everyone prefers drinking shitty beer. How else can you explain this blog post that lists the 10 top selling beers in America? These beers are collectively so bad and un-American that we almost didn’t spot the egregious omission of Samuel Adams from the list. We’re not saying Sam Adams is the best beer in America, far from it, but if you have an ambitious brewery that’s named after Sam fucking Adams, and it’s not in the top 10 of market share, someone fucked up (we’re looking at you, majority of beer drinkers).

Of course, when we at AFFotD feel the need to correct such misconceptions about the America’s fine assortment of fermented malts and hops, we do so with the calm, delicate prose that sets aside emotional responses, and instead delves into the topic with tact and understanding. That’s why we present you…