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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

We were sitting around a table, talking about someone we all know, who is very successful in our field. Instinctively, I started in. "He's incredibly full of himself," I said. "And kind of a phony." One of my colleagues, a great mimic, did a spot-on imitation of the way this fellow speaks. We laughed uproariously. The Greek chorus chimed in and piled on. A dig here. A jab there. In minutes, we had taken this competitor down to size, made mincemeat of him.

We felt clever, bonded, and if truth be told, superior.

Except that when I left the room, something didn't feel quite right, which was surprising. Over the years, I've had hundreds, maybe even thousands of these conversations, with scores of friends and colleagues. They're so commonplace I rarely give them a second thought.But on this day, I unexpectedly found myself wondering about the competitor we had trashed, and how he might have felt if he heard our exchange.

At a minimum, he would have been stung, and so would I, if others said those things about me, as they surely have. Then I started thinking about whether I actually believed what I'd said.

I realized I actually had a broader and more nuanced set of feelings about him, including admiration.I put down this competitor so I could feel better about myself — raised myself up at his expense.

To avoid feeling "less than," I defended myself by moving to "more than." I assumed a false position of power — not just this time, but on countless previous occasions — to ward off some experience of inadequacy. I covered up my feeling of weakness with a thin gloss of strength.

Above all else, I was careless.

Envy, I'm abashed to say, lay at the heart of it.

For more than two decades as a journalist, envy was a steady hum in my life that sometimes turned into a roar. No matter what I wrote — even a bestselling book — it never felt good enough and neither did I.

The feeling is endemic among writers, as I suspect it is in many professions. "Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little,"

Gore Vidal once famously remarked. Speaking of his fellow writers, the novelist Pete Dexter took it a step further: "Jealousy is the wrong word for what I usually feel. It's closer to hoping they get hit by a car.

"Funny, yes, but also kind of horrifying, and toxic.

When I finally left journalism, it was in large part to escape these feelings. But wherever you go, there they are.

We've all felt them. Not smart enough, not accomplished enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not admired enough. At the most primitive level, it's the feeling that we're still living in the savanna, fighting for our survival in a world of scarcity. If you get yours, then I won't get mine.

The war over food has evolved into one for self-worth.

The problem is it's a zero sum game you can't win.

Constantly compare yourself, and no matter how good you are, eventually you're going to come up short.The truth is I've had enough of not enough and I've also had enough of the smug superiority I've sometimes inadvertently assumed as a shield against feeling the opposite.

The first step has been to raise my awareness. That means noticing these feelings when they arise — both "not enough" and "better than," which, after all, are just two sides of the same coin.

It helps a lot, I'm finding, to simply observe my feelings, rather than getting lost in them, or compelled to share them.

Two questions strike me as helpful here. When you're feeling "less than", the question is, "What do I truly appreciate about myself?" Or, as the family therapist Terrence Real puts it more lyrically, "How do I hold myself in warm regard, despite my imperfections?"

When you find yourself beginning to feel "better than," the question is, "What do I truly appreciate in this other person?"

Or as Real says,"How can I hold this person in warm regard, despite his/her imperfections?"

Sheryl Crow gets this just right in "Soak up the Sun":

"It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got I'm gonna tell everyone To lighten up I'm gonna tell 'em that I've got no one to blame for every time I feel lame.

"In Buddhism, the Second Noble Truth is that all suffering is caused by craving.

I've never interpreted that to mean we should let go of desire, which is quintessentially and inescapably human.

Rather, we need to hold desire more gently, so we can acknowledge it, and conjure with it, and even enjoy it, without feeling consumed by it, or dependent on its being satisfied.

We were sitting around a table, talking about someone we all know, who is very successful in our field. Instinctively, I started in. "He's incredibly full of himself," I said. "And kind of a phony." One of my colleagues, a great mimic, did a spot-on imitation of the way this fellow speaks. We laughed uproariously. The Greek chorus chimed in and piled on. A dig here. A jab there. In minutes, we had taken this competitor down to size, made mincemeat of him.

We felt clever, bonded, and if truth be told, superior.

Except that when I left the room, something didn't feel quite right, which was surprising. Over the years, I've had hundreds, maybe even thousands of these conversations, with scores of friends and colleagues. They're so commonplace I rarely give them a second thought.But on this day, I unexpectedly found myself wondering about the competitor we had trashed, and how he might have felt if he heard our exchange.

At a minimum, he would have been stung, and so would I, if others said those things about me, as they surely have. Then I started thinking about whether I actually believed what I'd said.

I realized I actually had a broader and more nuanced set of feelings about him, including admiration.I put down this competitor so I could feel better about myself — raised myself up at his expense.

To avoid feeling "less than," I defended myself by moving to "more than." I assumed a false position of power — not just this time, but on countless previous occasions — to ward off some experience of inadequacy. I covered up my feeling of weakness with a thin gloss of strength.

Above all else, I was careless.

Envy, I'm abashed to say, lay at the heart of it.

For more than two decades as a journalist, envy was a steady hum in my life that sometimes turned into a roar. No matter what I wrote — even a bestselling book — it never felt good enough and neither did I.

The feeling is endemic among writers, as I suspect it is in many professions. "Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little,"

Gore Vidal once famously remarked. Speaking of his fellow writers, the novelist Pete Dexter took it a step further: "Jealousy is the wrong word for what I usually feel. It's closer to hoping they get hit by a car.

"Funny, yes, but also kind of horrifying, and toxic.

When I finally left journalism, it was in large part to escape these feelings. But wherever you go, there they are.

We've all felt them. Not smart enough, not accomplished enough, not thin enough, not rich enough, not admired enough. At the most primitive level, it's the feeling that we're still living in the savanna, fighting for our survival in a world of scarcity. If you get yours, then I won't get mine.

The war over food has evolved into one for self-worth.

The problem is it's a zero sum game you can't win.

Constantly compare yourself, and no matter how good you are, eventually you're going to come up short.The truth is I've had enough of not enough and I've also had enough of the smug superiority I've sometimes inadvertently assumed as a shield against feeling the opposite.

The first step has been to raise my awareness. That means noticing these feelings when they arise — both "not enough" and "better than," which, after all, are just two sides of the same coin.

It helps a lot, I'm finding, to simply observe my feelings, rather than getting lost in them, or compelled to share them.

Two questions strike me as helpful here. When you're feeling "less than", the question is, "What do I truly appreciate about myself?" Or, as the family therapist Terrence Real puts it more lyrically, "How do I hold myself in warm regard, despite my imperfections?"

When you find yourself beginning to feel "better than," the question is, "What do I truly appreciate in this other person?"

Or as Real says,"How can I hold this person in warm regard, despite his/her imperfections?"

Sheryl Crow gets this just right in "Soak up the Sun":

"It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got I'm gonna tell everyone To lighten up I'm gonna tell 'em that I've got no one to blame for every time I feel lame.

"In Buddhism, the Second Noble Truth is that all suffering is caused by craving.

I've never interpreted that to mean we should let go of desire, which is quintessentially and inescapably human.

Rather, we need to hold desire more gently, so we can acknowledge it, and conjure with it, and even enjoy it, without feeling consumed by it, or dependent on its being satisfied.

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These ten great inspirational sayings about life come from diverse cultures and times. These sayings of inspiration represent the thread of enlightenment and compassion that has always run through the greatest among us, and are, to me, the best of the best.

This above all, to thine own self be true.- William Shakespeare

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.- Confucius

Happiness depends upon ourselves.- Aristotle

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.- Lao Tsu

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

All things share the same breath - the beast, the tree, the man... the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports.- Chief Seattle

Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.- Rabindranath Tagore

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.- St Francis of Assisi

There are no facts, only interpretations.- Friedrich Nietzsche

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.- Albert Einstein

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.- George Bernard Shaw

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.- Joseph Campbell

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.- Joseph Campbell

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.- Helen Keller

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.- Helen Keller

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.- Helen Keller

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. - Anonymous

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.- Confucius

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.- Marie Curie

Life is a long lesson in humility.- James M. Barrie

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.- William James

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.- John Lennon

No one knows what he can do until he tries.- Publilius Syrus

As we light a path for others, we naturally light our own way.- Mary Anne Radmacher

There are no facts, only interpretations.- Friedrich Nietzsche

The purpose of our lives is to be happy.- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.- Rabindranath Tagore

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.- Theodore H. White

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain.- Vivian Green

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for that part of me you bring out.- Roy Croft

I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the Spirit.- Kahlil Gibran

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Where there is great love there are always miracles.- Willa Cather

Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love.- St. Francis of Assisi