Dating agency discovers God on its books

After investigating a series of complaints from members, a lonely hearts agency has discovered that God had signed up for their service.

‘His profile read ‘Creator, tired of singularity, seeks Big Bang’,’ said divorcee JuicyLucy324 (nonsmkr, 38DD, no Greek, GSoH). ‘But when I showed up at Pizza Express as arranged, this giant column of smoke appeared and without so much as a garlic bread starter, tried to feel me up.’

Other members who fell for His description as a ‘Sugar daddy, still omnipotent’ were turned into pillars of salt.

‘Users may have been misled by his username,’ said the manager of the site. ‘Abu Hamza once cut a swathe through our older ladies after posing as Daniel O’Donnell. But this is the first time we’ve had a deity on our books.’

God later admitted that he was struggling to adjust to online dating. ‘Times have changed since I was able to take Danae in the form of a shower of gold. From what I see on the internet that technique has been re-interpreted, and not for the better.’