October is almost here. Time for the NHL, and much more important, NHL predictions.

These should be taken literally and are a reflection of not only immutable reality but personal likes and dislikes. Down in eighth place? That's because we A) know the truth and B) hate your team. Hate, hate, hate your team. At the top? Expect significant success and active cheering from Sporting News throughout a lengthy, inevitable playoff run.

First up: The once and future "Flortheast" Division, which is called the Atlantic Division despite housing exactly zero teams from the former Atlantic Division. * — projected Eastern Conference playoff teams.

ATLANTIC DIVISION

PREDICTED STANDINGS

1) BOSTON BRUINS*

Last season: 28-14-6, third in Eastern Conference, lost in Stanley Cup final.

If you have to replace Tyler Seguin and Nathan Horton, there are worse ways to go about it than Loui Eriksson and Jarome Iginla. … Tuukka Rask is one of the very best goalies in the league—in fact, his .934 even-strength save percentage is No. 1 among goalies with at least 1,000 shots faced since 2008-09. … Patrice Bergeron, no matter what the awards ballot implies, is the best two-way forward. … Those young defensemen are a year older, which should compensate for the aging process (Zdeno Chara) and free agency (Andrew Ference). The Bruins are really, really good.

2) OTTAWA SENATORS*

Last season: 25-17-6, seventh in East, lost in conference semifinals.

At this point in their respective careers, Bobby Ryan is much more valuable than Daniel Alfredsson. … Erik Karlsson is healthy enough to make his defensive issues not matter. … Craig Anderson would've been a Vezina candidate if he hadn't been injured last season. Jason Spezza is back, too, and teaming with Ryan. … There's secondary scoring from guys like Mika Zibanejad and Kyle Turris. This team is sneaky-awesome.

3) MONTREAL CANADIENS*

Last season: 29-14-5, second in the East, lost in first round.

The Habs arrived a season early, so any apparent step back would need some context. To avoid that, it'd help if Carey Price played like the guy everyone assumes he is—and the guy he's been in the past. … Another year of growth for Alex Galchenyuk could be big. Same for Brendan Gallagher, who was a Calder finalist. ... P.K. Subban is fantastic and ready to continue on his very reachable path to $9-10 million a year.

4) DETROIT RED WINGS*

Last season: 24-16-8, seventh in Western Conference, lost in conference semifinals.

Signing Alfredsson and center Stephen Weiss means that Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg can play on the same line consistently, which is good. … Justin Abdelkader showed signs of maturing into a legitimate top-six winger and will get a chance to play with Datsyuk and Zetterberg. … The defense isn't great, but a full year of Danny DeKeyser means it could be good. … Goalie Jimmy Howard is somehow underrated without being underpaid. … The bottom six is crowded, but the biggest question there is the health of lynchpin Darren Helm.

5) TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

Last season: 26-17-5, fifth in Eastern Conference, lost in first round.

There's not much left to be said about the Maple Leafs, but that won't stop us or anyone from trying. Their regular-season success seemed unsustainable, and they lucked into playing their optimal lineup in the playoffs, then seemed to overreact to a Game 7 collapse. … At bare minimum, they seem to have spent a lot of cap space quite unwisely without improving their team all that much, though David Clarkson will help for the first two years or so. … Jonathan Bernier is good but a relative luxury, given the presence of James Reimer. Tough to imagine any scenario where Bernier doesn't win the job.

6) TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Last season: 18-26-4, missed playoffs

Steven Stamkos is a generational talent, and it would hurt to see his prime wasted on sub-mediocre teams. It's also somehow easy to forget that Martin St. Louis won the scoring title. … GM Steve Yzerman has gone cheap in goal, which is fine in theory, but either Ben Bishop or Anders Lindback has to pan out for it to matter. … Defenseman Victor Hedman took a huge step forward last year. An unsettling portion of Tampa's hopes rely on second-line center (and overpriced free agent) Valtteri Filppula. … Jonathan Drouin, one of the most fun-to-watch junior players last season, on a line with Stamkos and St. Louis? Yes. please.

7) FLORIDA PANTHERS

Last season: 15-27-6, last in Eastern Conference, missed playoffs

Florida will be better—they were the league's most unlikely team based on a reliable stat known as PDO and one of its most injured. Tim Thomas should help. … Jonathan Huberdeau is a blast, and there are a few other young forwards worth paying attention to, led by 2013 No. 2 overall pick Aleksander Barkov. … The defense could be a problem—Tom Gilbert is still a legitimate NHL defenseman, but when you sign a guy off a tryout, it's rarely a good sign.

8) BUFFALO SABRES

Last season: 21-21-6, missed playoffs.

Things generally just feel wrong for the Sabres, though Ron Rolston is a good coach for a young team. … This also factors in potential midseason trades of Ryan Miller and Thomas Vanek. That might not happen, but it should. … Christian Ehrhoff is really good and would be a Norris candidate on a different team. … Remember Tyler Myers?

HOT TWITTER QUESTIONS

These are great for #brand engagement and also very good for serious, important predictions. Remember: #SNbesthockey.

1) "If you jumped in the Detroit River at Joe Louis Arena, how long would it take to swim to the Atlantic Ocean? SHOW YOUR WORK."—@lolabythebay

Simple. Swim down the Detroit River to Lake Erie then across Lake Erie to Buffalo (about 250 miles), then take the Erie Canal to Albany (350 miles), then down the Hudson River to New York and the Atlantic Ocean (about 135 miles). In around 735 relaxing miles, you're there. If it took Diana Nyad 48 hours to swim 110 miles from Cuba to Florida, we're there in two weeks with time to spare. Personally, I'd drown almost immediately.

That 525-mile walk from the Joe to the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, though? Nine hours a day would get that done in less than two months.

The underlying point to this question—and lots of others—is that the division name doesn't make any sense. Correct.

Love this question. All things considered, I'd rather have Shawn Thornton on my team, and he can probably top out at 10-ish goals. Leino should get more, though—so dumb as it is to bet on him, let's go with it.

4) "Will Tim Thomas dominate the #Flortheast division? Or injure himself in the first game?"—@studuncan

You mean his first INDIVIDUAL game? Honestly, he'll make the Panthers better—and a lot more fun. So somewhere in the middle.

5) "What's the ugliest third jersey ever worn by a Flortheast Division team? There are many, many candidates."—@camcharron

The Sabres' new alts aren't just bad; they're upsetting. That's what it took to out-dumb the Sens' "Super Nintendos." I hope to be in the building for their unveiling and plan on getting kicked out of the press box for throwing tomatoes at them a la Fozzie Bear.