At Last: Part Three

Will talked often about future plans in a way that I’d normally find presumptuous, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Instead his desire to be included in my inner circle was comforting. He was sticking around.

He said he looked forward to meeting my daughters and mentioned that he’d told his entire family and friends about me. He wanted to meet my friends, too.

Karen

Those around me had normal concerns.

“Take it slow, no need to rush,” said Karen, my surrogate mom. “How do you know he’s who he says he is?”

“He’s got crazy eyes,” said my daughter Morgan, while studying his photo. Several days later, we were on the phone and his battery died. Morgan said that was “shady.” It wasn’t as if she had anything to go on beyond what I’d told her but when I begin a new relationship Morgan’s first reaction has always been to dislike the interloper threatening to upset the normalcy of our lives. When she was a teenager and I told her about Neal she became hysterical and screamed, “You’re ruining your life!” then stormed towards the front door yelling, “I’m telling Papa!” Papa is my father—another person who’s been consistently suspicious of the men in my life. My dad asked for Neal’s Social Security number so he could do a background check. With one final shot before heading to get my dad involved, Morgan howled, “And what about Howard?” Howard was someone I’d had an on again off again relationship with for quite some time. Morgan couldn’t stand Howard in the beginning, either. It was nice to see that as an adult she’d toned down the hysteria.

Will was just a shady psycho.

Will’s family, (one brother in particular), had reservations, too, and advised him to date lots of women in the beginning of his new single status. He said his friends were happy, though, as he told them about me and shared my photos.

I wasn’t ready to meet his family. I wanted to cement our relationship in familiarity, spend time together, before we complicated us with our tribes. I told Will about my complex brood. When he described his, it often sounded like the plotline to Leave it to Beaver, and it seemed he grew up in the Rhode Island equivalent of Mayberry. I figured it was probably bullshit. A wise yogi once told me, “I was embarrassed to talk to people about my family but once I did, they did, too, and I realized we’re all one big Jerry Springer Show.”

Two days after our date I was heading home to Las Vegas for ten days and Will had a week of golfing planned at his family’s summer home. I was staying with my father while his wife was away.

Those who’ve followed the blog know my father hasn’t been well. He’s fallen and broken both his hip and femur. I’ve told you about those maladies. What I haven’t told you is a year ago he was diagnosed as having Lewy Body Dementia (LBD) symptoms. It is a disease often misdiagnosed as Alzheimer’s and one that can’t be confirmed until an autopsy is performed. It mirrors Alzheimer’s in many ways as people with LBD also have disorientation but they also are afflicted with balance and mobility issues. A definitive diagnosis really doesn’t matter, as Alzheimer’s and LBD are equally awful and this manner of slowly, tragically losing my father has left me heartbroken.

My dad raised me and I lived with him after my parents divorced. Though I’ve written much about my father, I haven’t done so with my mom and although many blog followers have asked, I’ve remained vague. My relationship with my mother has been complicated for as long as I can remember. As a child she told me, “You rejected me from birth.” Adults know that babies don’t reject their mothers. But we also know the opposite is possible and that was the case in my life. As stunning as it was to know my mother felt that way, I knew my dad adored me with every parental fiber possible and that was more love than many have from two parents.

My grandmothers also filled the maternal void and both loved me fiercely. I did not have an unhappy childhood, though sometimes confusing. I managed to sort all that out years ago when I was able to look at that relationship through a grown-up lens–with the help of therapy, of course. My dad was it and I considered myself lucky.

My two Grams giving me my first bath.

I told Will this in bits during several of our marathon telephone conversations. As it appeared he’d been raised by June and Ward Cleaver, it was a rather embarrassing, but also necessary. I was heading to Las Vegas and it was going to be painful. I needed Will to understand why I might not be myself—at the very least, distracted. It was also important that he was cognizant of the situation as I wouldn’t be so readily available for lengthy conversations or rapid response texts. A couple of times he’d seemed perturbed when I didn’t answer the phone or respond quickly to his text messages. He expressed this in jest with statements like, “If you didn’t call me right back, I was going to be so mad!” He would sometimes text when I was out with friends or my daughters and, again, joke about being ignored. He pressed for my undivided attention, despite his jovial approach and I didn’t mind. Perhaps it’s a personality type I’m drawn to, but I can’t remember a man I’ve been with who didn’t expect the same thing.

Will and I spoke on the morning I flew to Las Vegas. I also sent a text that I’d landed and he called again. We talked as I drove to my father’s house but once I got there my dad would be the focus. I loved my time with him and made sure he understood my undivided attention was all his. With the disease he’s often impatient, demanding and argumentative. He doesn’t have a filter anymore and says some horribly shocking things, too. Growing up he was always easy going, fun and brilliant. Nobody could make me laugh more. The stranger inhabiting my father’s body appears more often now and it’s gut wrenching. I keep it together when he’s awake but after he’s gone to bed I cry like a child who’s homesick. I miss my dad so much, yet he’s asleep in the next room.

Will and I talked in the evenings and I would give him the rundown. He was supportive as he reminded me this was the disease. He would find a way to make a joke about certain situations and the levity helped. He was having fun golfing with his family but they were giving him a hard time about how often he was texting and talking. One early morning he even asked me to text with his brother—the one he mentioned wasn’t thrilled about his new relationship. I think he wanted to prove how clever I was but given the pressure I was under, it seemed rather insensitive. I felt like a performing seal but did it anyway and even overlooked the caustic undertone of his brother’s texts barely hidden behind what he pretended was humor. Texts like, “Are you a ballbuster?”

Hmm, would Theodore Cleaver ask Wally’s girlfriend that question?

My dad had lost contact with many friends since his diagnosis. One buddy, John, called near the end of the week and said he’d been trying to reach my father for a year. I explained what had happened and he asked if we could to go to dinner. I was hesitant because this would take him from his routine but I asked my dad, and he was excited to see his old friend. The plan was to eat early and John made a reservation at Hugo’s Cellar in the Four Queens Hotel/Casino, downtown.

Hugo’s Cellar. Photo courtesy Las Vegas Review Journal

It’s a fancy place, my father wanted to wear sweatpants and got mad when I asked him to change. Sweats it was. He uses a walker and it was an arduous trek from valet parking to the restaurant. Once there and with his friend I began to relax as he ordered a glass of wine. It was a great evening. My dad and John talked of old times and I couldn’t believe the fine points he recalled. His short-term memory was gone but long-term was amazing. They laughed and talked as they always had, both having fun. When my dad ordered a second glass of wine it made me nervous since he was unstable enough on his walker. I didn’t want to say anything, though, he was so happy. Then he ordered a third, which I knew was a mistake. Once dinner was over we got up to leave the then-crowded restaurant and my father began to sway, tipping the wheels of one side of his walker, then the other. I held onto the front to steady it and my dad yelled at me to take my hands off. Everyone turned to stare. I quietly explained that I was helping because he was tipping over and he yelled again–this time screaming the F-word. In my entire life I’d never heard him use that word. The maître d’ walked briskly towards us and asked what was going on. I discreetly explained my father had Alzheimer’s and I was trying to steady him. My dad loudly told the maître d’ to get out of his way and started pushing forward. And then he fell and yelled, “What the fuck are you doing?” A woman at a nearby table screamed as his leg hit her chair on the way down. I hurried to help him up but he began flailing his arms and yelling. He was completely disoriented, didn’t know who I was and refused to move, bellowing at me to leave him alone while shooing me with his arms. His hand grazed my mouth and when I told him to stop yelling he grabbed my upper arms and roughly shoved me away. I could see in his eyes I was a stranger. Someone obviously called hotel security, and they arrived a moment later. As three big guys walked towards us one was holding handcuffs. Having worked in the gaming industry for most of my adult life I’d like to clarify that hotel security guards don’t always make smart choices and certainly handcuffing an eighty-two-year-old man confirms that. I stepped between them and my dad and told them to stop. Then I explained my dad had Alzheimer’s. We didn’t need handcuffs but a wheelchair and help to the car. Thank God they listened.

On the drive home he asked what happened. I told him he fell and Security helped us to the car. He called himself “stupid” for drinking wine and said he was sorry. “No big deal, Dad. Everybody drinks too much sometimes and we handled it.”

That sort of episodic break is symptomatic of Lewy Body Dementia and alcohol can be a catalyst.

I got him from the garage to his bed, helped him into his pajamas and gave him a sleeping pill. He told me I was the best daughter a father could hope for. I told him he was the best dad ever. Then I shut his bedroom door and fell apart.

The first person I wanted to speak to was Will. I called his cell but he didn’t answer. The cell service was sporadic at the vacation home so he’d given me the landline number. I called that, too. Again, no answer. I called his cell a second time and left a message letting him know I needed to talk. At that point I was angry. It was a combination of what happened that night and the fact that I’d always been available and accommodating when he called. Even during the difficult week with my dad—because I knew it was important to him. I performed on demand, first with his business partner, then his brother (Angry Bird). Was expecting the same too much to ask?

Texts go through at the vacation home even when calls won’t so I sent him a text. “Answer the fucking phone, goddammit! I had a crisis with my dad and need to talk.” And I waited. Nothing. I finally called my friend Jeanne. Once she helped me calm down, I sent another text letting him know he should disregard the previous text, I was with my friend and OK.

The next morning I got up to a text from Will sent several hours before—given the three hour time difference. He said he was “confused” by my texts. He also said they had an early tee time. I figured that meant he was unavailable to talk while playing golf, and still miffed, I replied there was no need for confusion and then gave him the awful details of the night before. I assumed he would respond by telling me he’d call when they were done playing, but I heard nothing.

By late afternoon I had a bad feeling and checked my email.

There it was, a message from Will.

I’m paraphrasing but it’s pretty close.

He was sorry for the ordeal but my angry text really set him back. He was at a loss to even discuss it and was rattled all day. He wasn’t in the right place to deal with that kind of drama with all the issues on his plate. When he resolves his issues perhaps he would feel differently and we could explore getting to know each other. He closed by asking me to respect his decision.

Drama? Wow.

I wrote back (paraphrasing, again) that I would absolutely respect his decision and my reply would be the last time he heard from me. I apologized for the inappropriate tone of my text but explained that I had just been through a traumatic experience and trusted him enough to talk me off the ledge. I assumed he would understand as I’d told him about what was going on, as he knew about my close relationship with my father. I wished him well in finding someone better suited for him, and added I will be cautious with the next man in my life. I said I would never again be so quick to trust in the infancy of a relationship no matter how close I think we are.

So there you have it.

Jeanne

I never had any intention of telling this story and I’m well aware of the irony: Will asked if I was on the site for writing material, I told him I wasn’t and yet here I am sharing. It was my friend Jeanne who pushed me. She explained that doing so was an opportunity to be vulnerable—something that does not come easy for me.

It has been a couple of months since this happened and it’s god awful to relive. I buried the Will sorrow for a time after returning from Vegas. The reality of how far my dad has gone away was all I could handle. It eventually bubbled up, though, as tamped down feelings usually do. There are lots of things that are troubling, but most of all his delivery method. I deserved to hear it from him directly, either by phone or in person. He didn’t think a text message was the proper way to ask me on a date so surely he knew sending that email was even worse. And if he had many things on his plate why push for an exclusive relationship and talk about a future? I would’ve happily dated Will and continued to date others until his plate was emptier. Why say you’re “baggage free” when you’re obviously not? And why ask to meet my daughters and friends? Perhaps one day I’ll run into him and we’ll finally talk.

My girlfriends bolstered me up.

“You’ll hear from him again.”

“His loss.”

“He’s not for you.”

“Now he has things on his plate?”

I have lots of male friends and asked them how they’d feel if they received the crazy text I sent Will.

“I’d apologize the next day for not being there when you needed me.”

“I’d be frantic to reach you.”

“I might be surprised but would understand once I knew what happened.”

“He’s weak. Move on.”

Morgan’s reaction was my favorite.

“The first thing that came to mind is, are you strong enough to be my man, and the answer is no.”

As hard as this was, something good happened. Finally I have confirmation that I can love again—in that big way. I wanted to believe it was possible but sometimes wondered, especially given the number of dates I’ve been on with many decent men. It even feels good to hurt over Will, as odd as that sounds. I wasn’t sure I could feel loss for anyone but Neal.

I’m back online again and dating. Not much has changed with that process, but I have. I have a new outlook and can thank Will for that, too. It was exhilarating to feel deeply and I want more. Gone is the mantra of “I had a big love once and if it never happens again, I’m luckier than most.” Instead I now say, “I can and will love again.”

At last.

Two quotes today, as I couldn’t decide which I preferred.

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Ernest Hemmingway

“When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care. When I’m throwing punches in the air. When I’m broken down and I can’t stand, would you be man enough to be my man?” Sheryl Crow, “Strong Enough”

PS-I’m going to take a break from blogging for the remainder of the summer so I can focus on finishing the book. Whew, these last three posts have been rough. If you don’t want to keep checking back I hope you’ll subscribe to the blog. Who knows? I could meet Mr. Right in July or August.

Also, if you aren’t following me on the Melani Robinson Facebook page, I hope you will. The conversation is always interesting and I’ll be posting on Facebook throughout the summer. Click here to Follow.

As always, I have loved your posts and always anxious to read the next one. The past two left me even more anxious to find out more about the relationship with Will and I was so excited when your third post came out! I can’t believe this happened to you!!! Like you, I have met many men and gone out on many dates and I am always leery about the “over-texter”, the needy one that always wants to call me often, meet his family right away, and makes crazy plans for the future that don’t make sense in the time frame that you have been dating. It’s exhausting frankly and I believe that some men just get off on that behavior. Why would one “frantic” text from you spark a cowards way out email? Who does that??!!! If he thought he knew you well enough to introduce you to his family, then he should have known that your text was out of character for you and something must have happened! I’m so sorry things didn’t work out better but I absolutely love your outlook. I’m happy Will renewed your faith in love! You are not alone in the quest for a solid relationship and the quest to fall in love again! Thank you again for your stories! You are amazing!

Thank you so much, Bridget. It was a shocking end to something that made me very happy for a short time. Although I didn’t ask to meet his family (as he did with my daughters) I did love the frequent texting and calls as much as Will. The texts were so great we even talked about publishing them as a book. I was a willing participant in that textorama, for sure, and I never tried to slow the rapid pace we were moving, either. We got caught up in how right it felt and I’m equally guilty. That being said, I would never have sent that email. Ever. Here’s to “live and learn” as awful as that process can be. Here’s also to success in finding that illusive solid relationship we’re both seeking, Bridget. Thank you, again, for your supportive words. I am so grateful for your kindness.

Very true, Joseph. As much as I’d like to think he had a temporary meltdown from my meltdown, I’d probably always worry. Life is messy and a person needs to count on those in their life to be there holding the tub of wet wipes.

Melani,
I was so hoping you’d found your match but reality reared its ugly head and you crashed and burned. Ah, but the experience gained is priceless. As someone once said “Its not the falling down that builds character, its the getting back up.” (or something like that) I’ve got my money on you………but I’m not surprised that it is your peeps that helped you through it. The more I know men the more I love my girlfriends.

This past weekend I did a 5K Mud Run-crawling under flags in a mud bath, walking on balance beams, fighting through tangled ropes, a climb up an inflatable slide then down into a muddy pool and a rope climb up and over a metal frame 30 feet in the air. Pretty much a metaphor for my divorce and yes I finished and have an impressive medal to show for it. Would I have done this if I was still married-nope. I’d have been too afraid, too worried about what my fat ass looked like in florescent orange shorts (BIG) and too complacent to spend a Saturday bonding with my girlfriends and finding that we are always stronger when we support each other. Yeah, we got this.

Men will come and men will go but your girlfriends are forever. Take the rest of the summer to finish your (our) book and to repair your soul. I took the summer off from dating as well and I’m having the best time with my girlfriends. Staying nicely busy helps. I too, believe that I’ll love again but never again at the expense of loving myself first. As Dixie Carter once said “It takes a pretty great man to beat no man at all.” Don’t settle!

Mel,
Since you quoted me in this, I can’t really be in cognito. I’m so happy that you have given your readers the chance to see you come full circle. As my husband said, “We all have a little crazy in us and when stressed and that can come out when we have reached a breaking point.” You had a whirlwind of emotions coming out that night and you would certainly think that someone with a Harvard MBA would have figured that out. I find it so unfair when many men have this double standard with women. What they can expect from us should be met, yet when we expect the same from them, we are then creating “drama”. I get that the text you sent might seem demanding at the time, but once he knew the circumstances and you apologized for the harshness of the text, what I don’t understand is how that one text would define the past several weeks. Ok, maybe it may have prompted him to put his caution lights on, but why wouldn’t he take the time to discuss his concerns with you? What I don’t understand about many men is that they so want to be the strong figure, the one in control in a relationship, the protector, the brave one but when it come to a discussion in a relationship they revert back to high school mentality by ending a relationship in an email? How about being a grownup and calling? Please, male readers, help me with this. I do not understand the male brain that way. What I do understand about Will is that he had great reason to fall hard and fast for you. You are smart, very funny, sexy and beautiful. Those are characteristics that are easy for anyone to see by the outside of you. But what he missed is that you are a dedicated daughter, with a enormous love for her father, devestated by his decline. He missed that you are a loyal friend and partner to those you trust and love. You would do anything for anyone you love, you are the most loyal person I know. He missed getting to know the inside of you. He let one text define in his mind, the person he thought you were. He missed out on finding out the inside of you. He missed that boat. I often think as he begins dating, and meets other women, he may question that decision he made by that one defining moment, see the mistake he made and realize that you are “the one he let get away.” I hope that Harvard MBA side of the brain rules over the macho side and he admits he made a mistake and reaches out to you. I only hope that it is not too late if he does, as some other man might quickly see what he has in front of him. Will taught you to love for the first time after Neal, I think the next time won’t be so hard for you to love again.

OMG. This sure didn’t end the way I had thought it would. He reminds me of my ex-BF….in the early stages of our relationship, we once had plans for him to come up and watch a basketball (our team playing the Lakers!) playoff game….I was really excited, not having been in a relationship for a long time. We were on the phone confirming the plan that morning, but I was extremely upset about something that had happened the night before, involving my best friend’s married brother who had made a move on me. I told him I was upset about something but didn’t tell him the details….all he wanted to know was, was it about HIM? No. A short time later, he calls me to tell me his plans have changed….his daughters have just gotten back from a cruise and they called him to come up and see the photos. WTF. What a lame excuse….I was PISSED. I wanted to cry on his shoulder but I guess he couldn’t stand the thought of any DRAMA. (We eventually dated quite awhile but he did turn out to be the type who really couldn’t deal with drama….if we argued, he’d walk out, ending the relationship, rather than hash it out.) Anyway, I am so sorry but glad that you saw his true colors BEFORE he did get enmeshed with your family. I’ve been BF-free for 7 years and very happy. Love your blogs and have a wonderful summer.

Thanks, Nancy, and he sounds like a douche. I can’t stand the overuse of the word “drama”. Such a condescending word used to invalidate someone’s feelings or experience. Throw out drama and the person on the receiving end then must reassess what they’ve experienced through the filter of that word. “Drama” is when I can’t squeeze into my favorite jeans and I howl in frustration–even though I’ve had dessert every night. There’s a big difference between drama and trauma–beyond two letters. Thanks, again, for sharing your story, Nancy.

One more thing — great quote from the Sheryl Crow song. When my BF and I broke up for the final time, the song “Umbrella” was popular. I thought about these lyrics and how he certainly could NOT stick it out when it started to rain…..

“Because when the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I’ll be here forever
Said I’ll always be your friend
Took an oath, I’ma stick it out to the end

Now that it’s raining more than ever
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

Sorry to hear about your dad….my mom had Alzheimer so I can relate how you must feel….and as for Will it was to good to be true, as someone wrote “He let one text define in his mind, the person he thought you were. He missed out on finding out the inside of you.” Melani you stated earlier you thought you could never love again and you were proven wrong…you will love again with the right man. Stay well and chin up!

In order to find love we need to let ourselves be venerable but in doing so we also take the risk of being hurt. It takes a strong person to make that choice. Your that person now after the time and healing of your husbands passing. We all have things that trigger our fears, Will, responded with fear to your message. Those are things he needs to deal with in his life in order to find true happiness and peace. Given time and reflection he may realize he acted out of fear and not love. I’m a meant to be person, your journey will continue to unfold as it should. Enjoy your time off from your blog and the rest of the summer. Much success to your new book.

Yours is an interesting assessment, Loida. “Will responded with fear.” I never thought of it as fear-based but it certainly resonated the moment I read your thoughts. I think you might be right. Yes, my journey will continue to unfold and I’m open and ready for love. Let’s see what the Universe sends my way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Loida.

Oh Mel… I have no words… I had so much hope!
My last ‘boyfriend’, we dated for 4 mos, was much like Will. Never available when I needed him, but so chatty when he wanted to be. I ended it because he was there for me, I thought I’d rather be single and available than in a relationship and lonely…
I too am back online dating, I wish us both luck!

While growing up with the Cleavers sounds wonderful it does not provide you with real life lessons.
-Life does not always have happy endings,
– All problems are not solved in 30 minutes,
– Father/Mother doesn’t always know best,
– Bad things happen to good people,
– Good things happen to bad people, and most important,
– Real life is messy, hard, and requires you to work and grow.

In my humble opinion, Will never learned these things. He was in love with being in love and when real life dared to make an entrance and demonstrate that you aren’t June Cleaver and everything wasn’t always going to be swirling rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns he ran to his room and hid his head under his pillow.

How others treat you is their Karma, how you respond is yours. I think you’ve got good Karma Melani.

My daughters can confirm I’m not June Cleaver, Dale. We were just talking a few night ago and Morgan told me about a friend who thought it was wonderful that we live so close. Her friend asked, “Do you drop off your laundry?” Morgan laughed and told her she’s been doing her own laundry since she was seven years old. It was one of the first real chores I taught her.

Melani,
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad’s illness. Having been through this with first my beloved Dad and then my Mom, I know it is very very difficult. It is not only your Dad who needs support now, but you do too. Thank goodness there are many support groups available for us babyboomers of aging parents. It would have been nice to have the support of Will, but he was too involved in tee time with his Beaver Cleaver family to be of any help to you. It would have been different if the tables were turned. No doubt you would have been right there for him. His (big) loss, and your gain that you found out early on what he’s really about.
You are a smart, witty, beautiful woman of quality. Thank you for sharing what you did. It will help many of us clarify what’s really important in our lives.
Marilyn

What a beautiful comment, Marilyn. You’re right. I would’ve done anything for him–jeez, I texted with his irascible bro. I think it’s his loss, too, but maybe that’s subjective since my life is pretty gritty at times. Thank you for your words of support, Marilyn. It means a lot to me.

Sorry you had to go through this ordeal with this guy, but his behavior was textbook–as you have no doubt heard from your friends! It still hurts. We’ve all been through it. I have, and I’ll probably do it again and so will you. Because don’t we all want to believe in love? like, what if this time, this person’s the real deal…

And you know, about that text you sent? Jeez, that guy needs to get a spine. THAT was not “drama.”

I read somewhere that in the beginning of dating/relationships, you should feel free to get “messy” now and then to make sure the other person is for real. Not on purpose, which is “drama,” but not hiding who you are either. Humans are human after all, but some people would prefer the illusion that we all project in the very beginning of dating.

I think the advice you read to be messy makes beautiful sense, Robin. Might as well see how someone handles a crisis–or supporting you when you’re in one. I wrote a piece about bringing a man to the beach house that perfectly describes how I feel about being messy. AND, ROBIN!!!! This just dawned on me as I was typing–I gave Will some of my favorite blog posts to read–since he’d read everything else I’d written on his own (loved that, btw). This was one of the posts I gave him! Holy shit! He had a roadmap and still did what he did? Wow. Below is part of that post.

I love to cook. Having a big group enjoying the food is my bliss. Dinners are filled with wine, highly inappropriate conversation and large doses of raucous laughter. It’s fun to watch my friends and my daughters’ having fun together. It’s at those instants I feel the pang. I want to glance across the table and smile at the man I’m with. Share the “this is a brilliant moment” look.I’ve not had that experience and this year will be no exception—even if I were to meet the perfect guy today.
There’s a feeling of camaraderie at the beach. An intimacy. It would be much too soon to introduce a new man into that mix. I would have to be sure that he’s one I could end up with. I don’t want to taint future summers with memories of a guy I didn’t know well enough to realize was, well, a jerk. I also don’t want to be surprised by things I might learn under vacation conditions. I need experiences, perhaps a catastrophe or two before I can be sure he will add to the party.
For instance, I could tell a lot about a man by his reaction to the Kate kerfuffle. If he’d been with me when it happened—even better. If he either added to the stress, or in any way made light of it, a warning shot would be fired. If he said something marvelous like, “It’s a dog not a child,” or went into high alert, barking orders, blaming me or the doorman, if he freaked out–he’s not my guy.
If our first date included my pratfall and he was embarrassed or ashamed by my tumble, if he couldn’t laugh with me once I got over the humiliation or tell me it wasn’t that noticeable–he’s not my guy.

OK, he handled the fall. How ironic is it that I fell again? Ha! Thanks, Robin. It was an illuminating moment, responding to your message with the “messy” advice.

I love this article and its exactly how I feel about bringing someone around family or friends who I’m not sure will fit in. I don’t want to ruin the memories for myself and everyone else just because I wanted someone by my side… I’ll wait…

Yes, bringing the wrong person around the fam can cloud good times. I’m of the belief that I have to know “him” well before including him in the mix. My daughters are always the last to meet the man in my life and it’s always been that way. Serious vetting happens first–they’re a tough crowd. Thanks, Anna.

Why, as women, do we give men the benefit of the doubt when trying to discern meaning in their words and actions? I haven’t met many that have not been reactive and knee-jerk when it came to “stuff that happens in life”…or as they refer to it “drama”.

Will sounds slightly out-of-touch with women who are strong, independent and outspoken..in fact, he sounds downright wimpish. His privileged background seems to have rendered him immune to most of the things in life that can be taken care of with money or status…i.e. none of the things that truly matter.

Some men are just in love with the idea of being in love…women, as well. But when it comes down to the hard work involved the majority begin back-peddling out of sight.

Will may be one of those men whom everything in life has been easy…hardly what you have had to face down and conquer as a widow and single mother.

He didn’t come from a privileged background, Dana. Everything he accomplished in his life, he did himself. He was dealt a beautiful gene pool hand, though. He’s brilliant, handsome and athletic. That never hurts one’s chances of success but he’s also a hard worker. And I do think most things come easy to Will. Maybe he was just in love with love coming out of his marriage, who knows? He’d been on several dates before we met so I wasn’t his first foray, and obviously not his last. I wish him a drama-free life–boring, for sure. I’ll stick with what I have because it’s the stuff we crawl through that make us interesting. Thanks, Sister!

Well shit. Melani, that sucked Hon. Weasely Will reminds me of the first man I thought I loved after my divorce. He said such beautiful things to me, made me feel wanted and wonderful. I fell hard and fast for who I *thought* he was. Once I saw his true colors I experienced the worst depressive episode I’ve ever had to date. Many good therapy sessions later I realized what I took away from that experience made me who I am today and put me on a path to find the real thing. It was awful, it was painful and it sucked the big fat one but I won’t trade or wish away that experience for anything. Since then I’ve been able to find a truly wonderful, kind, caring, loyal man who loves me for me – he’s always in my corner, always has my back and is happy to hold my hand and walk beside me. I wish the same for you. He’s out there. Don’t give up hope.
Best,
Melanie

So sorry for you’re two recent losses: your father as you knew him and your potential next great love.

A new relationship is fragile. Both of you may have still been wondering if this was too good to be true. Concerned family and friends added fuel to the fire of suspicion. Introducing stress was a leap of faith that just didn’t work out. Maybe it was the timing or maybe it was the man.

I don’t remember if you’ve used this quote before but it may be my all time favorite. Simple yet strong:

I am certain Will’s brother played a role is fueling that email, Pam. Part of me wonders if he was simply projecting his own relationship issues. To be that hostile had very little to do with me, or even protecting his brother, I’m afraid. I’ve gotten very good at ignoring warnings from those in my life–where love is concerned. I took massive leap of faith with Neal and never looked back, despite the people telling me that was foolish. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. I wouldn’t change a thing about my jump with Will except the ending, of course. New relationships are fragile but stress, or real life isn’t something we can selectively introduce like our weird conspiracy theorist cousin. Life happens when it does and the only thing one can hope for is to be propped up by those we love–no matter how short or long that love has been there. I was tempted to use that Churchill quote with this post so I love it that you added it. Thank you, Pam, for your insightful thoughts.

Little Sister,
Whoa is all I can say. That was deep and I am glad Jeanne pushed you to post this one. Cant even describe how your writing hit me like a ton of bricks. You and your mother’s relationship, your father’s current condition, the restaurant fall, your response in the car (priceless). What a self absorbed tool Will turned out to be. How insensitive, un-caring and “superficial” can a guy get. Sorry to say this but… it was always about him, from the start to the end. He’s golfing and vacationing and he can’t deal with making a half-hour phone call to comfort you? And he describes your ordeal as drama? Asshole, total self-absorbed asshole. You got lucky with Neil being in the middle of his divorce and him being able to meet the needs of your relationship with him. Not many can do that… certainly not that soulless waste of skin Will. Sorry if I sound abrasive, but I just wanted to read a fairy tale ending and see you happy and in love again.

By the way, I loved your quote from Hemmingway at the end. You certainly bled a lot writing this and want to thank you for taking the time as I know it took plenty of humilty, A little advice from big brother here… Life is all about forgiveness, without it you will never be fulfilled.

“Put it all behind you baby cause life goes on… if you carry all that anger it will eat you up inside” from Don Henley-The Heart of the Matter

Ah, The Golden Throat, Don Henley. Love that song and no anger but for a time it was another line, “I’m learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again.” So much of those six weeks were spent talking and texting. It was a glaring void immediately after–and I know he felt it too. Perhaps it was all about Will. I would hate to think so. Also, he was asleep when I called on that awful night and responded the next morning with the “confused” text. That he was sleeping didn’t make it any better (I needed him, he wasn’t there) but I don’t fault him for that. It was the next day and his ability to play golf without talking that shocked me. I couldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t have sent that email, either. Thanks for the support, Matthew. I’m better now that it’s been a couple of months but it was hard and disappointing.

The Heart of the Matter is he was never strong enough to be your man. In hindsight be happy that it was only six weeks and not two years before you realized it. That yearning undefined is now re-defined again, that feeling of being in love. Hold your head high, smile, cause life goes on. You never know you may run into Mr. Right this afternoon!

First, I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. A dear friend of mine has LBD. It’s devastating to watch her morph into someone virtually unrecognizable.

Secondly, what the hell!?! I was so excited and hopeful for you reading parts 1 and 2. But I must admit I heard a very faint warning bell in my head. I’m sure in retrospect you did as well.

I, too, found myself suddenly single at 49. My husband left for greener pastures and I hadn’t been single since the late 80’s!! Initially I was content to heal and focus on rebuilding my life. Didn’t care if I ever experience another “great love”. But, fate intervened and in spite of myself I’ve met someone who is strong, loyal and loving. We laugh at our middle aged romantic selves. But we both appreciate how truly sweet it is.

I KNOW you will experience love again. With the right person. Drama, middle age, flaws and all….

Melani, my god, I am utterly horrified by all this. First up I am so sorry about Will – he showed so much promise! Promise to be a complete jackass evidently! Fuck! Oops, can I say that here? Don’t let it shake your belief that someone good is out there for you – he is, it just takes diligence to find him. Meanwhile, your dad is your number one man – god bless him. It is SO hard to watch our beloved family members decline. My dad is 87 and thankfully in decent health but his walking has really slowed up and he often gets pretty pissed about it. I try to be as understanding as possible – but it’s hard sometimes! Hang in there girl. I didn’t get to weigh in on last week’s post as I was on deadline at work – I have to say I was thrilled for you at the promise of a new man! I hope the next object of his affection has some REAL damn drama for him!! Hehee. Speaking of new men, I haven’t been out with the pseudo hell’s angel-ish biker dude yet, but already he is texting me WAY too much. What is with this? We haven’t even seen each other again since our initial meeting at the dive bar either (which is fine). But, he is making all kinds of plans over text – big red flag to me (!) then in phone calls going out for enchiladas (as texted) has turned into meeting Friday after work and sharing a bottle of wine (hello DUI for little me boozing on an empty stomach – WTF?!). Over-promise and under-deliver just doesn’t go over anymore. Sigh. I won’t dust off my old leather pants in the back of my closet just yet! I have to say, every time a (seemingly) cool man comes along he just blows it with this oversharing and overpromising in text. Seeing the comments here reminds me it’s not just me, it’s rampant everywhere. Too bad! Ok, enough of that, have a relaxing rest of summer 🙂

You can always write “fuck” on this website, Tracy. It’s actually a requirement. “DUI for boozing on an empty stomach, WTF?” made me laugh. I do know what you mean by needy texting and over-sharing–an absolutely turnoff. BUT when it’s the holy grail of finger talking, as it was with Will, that’s another thing. I couldn’t wait to see what would come next and I’ve never laughed so much. He owned me. It was a loss but if I’d gotten deeper or slept with him it would be much harder. Keep me posted on the biker dude!

My two cents.. I don’t do clingy and I don’t even text, not a luddite, I guess I’m gonna have to learn when I move to CA to do my food and wine blog.. and I agree with Matthew’s comments about Will above.. but I don’t get all this constant texting.. sure if you got something witty or loving to share once in a while or an emergency, by all means text or call away, but for the most part, it all just seems so empty and clingy… whatever happened to real conversation, having your own life, anticipation of being together… all this constant texting just seems to be a recipe for disaster or at least constant misunderstandings.. why didn’t you respond, where are you, what’s going on with you, etc.. oh will you get a life..
I remember I asked my ex after we split if my lack of jealousy bothered her and she said no, I knew you cared, and I don’t like insecure and macho anyway… once at my local this guy was trying to flirt with her and I didn’t say anything, took it as a compliment in my excellent taste, would have stepped in if it got too much, and he was a nice guy apologized as soon as he realized we were a couple.. anyway Mel, chin up as always.. maybe we’ll have that witty drink if I come to the NY food show..

I’m not a fan of the superfluous text, David, but this was a completely different animal. It was publishable and would keep you entertained. It was like the best back and forth dialog ever written. Think “Annie Hall” “When Harry Met Sally” and the like. I’m not a jealous person, either. There was nothing I loved more than to watch women flirt with Neal. He was spectacular and that should be celebrated. They had excellent taste. Thanks for sharing, David!

I so enjoy reading your posts and have been a lurker for quite some time but I just had to comment to say THANK YOU. My dad has the exact same symptoms as yours and he’s been to 3 neurosurgeon’s about his condition and none of them have been able to figure out why he can’t move his legs and walk. He uses a cane but it’s gotten so bad (it takes him 10 minutes to walk 10 feet) that he’s finally ordered a scooter. He doesn’t like anyone to help him, his short-term memory is shot and at times I don’t know what “dad” I’ll be talking to when I call. We know he has dementia but we haven’t been able to figure out why he can’t move his legs…until now. I just sent my mom your link. Thank you so much!

And, for what it’s worth, I had a Will in my life this time last year. I was devasted when he dropped me like a hot potato for a little bit of baggage. 2 months later, I met the love of my life. I thank my Will every day for making me ready for love. You are on the right path!

I look forward to thanking Will, Arden. I’m sorry to hear about your dad but I’m glad the post was illuminating. It is a perplexing disease that’s often misdiagnosed. It’s always good to know what one’s dealing with–even if the prognosis is awful. Better to be prepared. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I always wonder who’s lurking and it’s great to hear from you.

Wow, what a powerful trilogy! More revealing and more vulnerable than any in the past. Thank you for that, Melani.

I’m very sorry about Will but maybe it was meant to be. The positive is now you know you can love again and there is hope. The right guy will come along and see what a wonderful woman you are. And sexy as hell 🙂

I’m even more sorry about your father. It sounds like we have gone through many of the same things. My grandparents were so good to me when things weren’t going well at home. I will always appreciate them. Now, my mother has dementia and can’t remember something from even 5 minutes before. And she only has very fleeting memories of the past. Its such a shame and so difficult. For example yesterday I found on YouTube an adorable record she bought me when I was 3 or 4 called “Timmy is a Big Boy Now”. I am going to play it for her next time I see her but she won’t remember it or get the same kind of enjoyment she could have. The wonderful thing is she still recognizes us and her personality seem to have gotten sweeter with her dementia. Very best wishes with your father, Melani! I like how even after that difficult incident, you told him he was the best Dad ever.

I was very impressed with your writing. Especially the second installment when you already knew it was over, you wrote like someone still deeply in love. We could feel the love, hope and excitement in your words and I was totally convinced you had found the new love of your life. This was a wonderful trilogy so thank you. But I was wondering a bit why you didn’t keep such great material for your book. Can you give us a little teaser about what your book will be like?

I’m happy to hear I was able to convey the feelings I was experiencing during our date. That’s important to a writer. It is also painful to relive those feelings and I do with each piece I write. The book is about my year of online dating and the theme is one of moving forward (dating again) and looking back. I tell the story of a date and transition to a memory it triggers from my past. It’s tough to write and requires intense concentration to create a flow of one story into the next. That’s why it’s taking me so long. I’m proud of the writing and look forward to finishing. The next month and a half will be devoted to just that. Your curiosity made me smile, Tim. Thank you.

So sorry and concerned about your Father. No matter how fast we run, time will always win. Hang in there, and hang on, life can be a bitch at times.
You are one strong women, and the things that you have went through can ruin lives for others, but hold on.
I’m praying for your Father not caring if others believe or not. I’m asking for his comfort and peace as long as he is on this earth.
Some people think that older people are going to check out just because things looks bad, but sometimes that same person out lives an entire family. Have fun, and enjoy if anyway possible. Laugh with your father as much as possible, even if you have to stand on your head to make him smile. Laugh, and Love.

Thank you, Noel. I’ll take those prayers and anything else you want to toss my dad’s way. I hope I’ll have an opportunity to laugh with him again. He does have brilliant moments of clarity. I hope for more of those. Thanks for your kind words. Comfort and peace are two perfect things.

I am so sorry Melani! You deserve the best, and although it sounds cliche, I know love will find you again. This proved that you are fully ready for love, and I have a good feeling that it will come your way soon. I’m sending you positive, virtual vibes Melani.

Will is a douchbag — and his brother too. F-them! (not literally, they probably suck at it anyway — you know the type, all them, them, them, them…. and THEN they ask how good it was for us, and we just smile that fake smile, and wonder when a “real man” is going to knock off our socks, ummm, ok, not our socks, send us to the moon and back… lol)

Seriously, you wrote about this experience wonderfully, Melani, and I can’t wait for your book to come out.

My good thoughts go out for your dad and family. Growing up (@ Nellis and then Henderson) my dad was wonderful to me as well, while my mother was (is) a selfish self-absorbed spoiled woman and still a very poor mother to her children. I understand your love for and gratitude to your dad. I rarely give advice, but will here: spend as much time as you can with him dear, even if it’s just sitting with him while he sleeps. I did with my dad at the end, and to this day I remain so thankful that I was able to give back to him just a little of what he gave to me (time, attention and love).

Thank you, Teeja! He has given so much and caring for him now is the least I can do. You had me laughing about the subpar sex. As much as I wanted to, I’m relieved we didn’t sleep together on that first night. Can you imagine how terrible I would feel now? Thank you, again, for your comment. It sounds like we’ve had very similar paths.

Thank you, Laura. If Will was looking for perfection he certainly picked the wrong woman and probably should’ve figured that out the first night when I ended up squatting on the sidewalk. I prefer imperfections, too. Much more interesting. Thanks, Laura!

I just gotta say because I feel you’re a friend, Melani thank you so much for sharing your journey. It has meant the world to me. It was like Frank McCourt’s Angeles Ashes or Laura Hillenbrands Unbroken. I felt all of the pain and the hope. Brilliance. Please keep sharing. I will always be here to cheer you on.

Wow, Pam, that’s some comparison. Thank you so, so much. It’s funny you should mention that I feel like a friend. Last night I was sitting on the terrace drinking wine with my daughter Chelsea and her friend Chelsea and I was describing how much support I have from readers. I said, “It’s like they’re the best group of friends a person could hope for.” I am so grateful and although this was a tough piece to write, and actually scary to expose so much, I knew my virtual friends would be there to soften the landing. Thanks to you, Pam, and everyone who’s made this blog a safe place to share the good, bad and painful. My cup runneth over.

Melani,
when I read the first part of your story I was really hoping it was the lucky time for you to find the next men of your life, but it sounded too much like the story I went through a couple of months ago: Fast and furious messages at any time of the day (my date was leaving for Europe right after our wonderful first meeting, and I was about to leave for Europe right before he told me he was coming back to the US), the 6-hours difference made me sleep with my iPhone, waking up at any little sound in hope it was a WhatsApp message from HIM….Our love story lasted 3 weeks, then he suddenly disappeared off the edge of earth… between Italy and Spain.
He was supposed to come back to the US to spend time together at the end of July when I was coming back from my trip and before he was leaving again for a 6-months assignment (I promised him I would be faithfully be waiting for his return and he was very happy about my decision, or so he said in a voice message he left me)
After not hearing from him for two days I emailed him to see if he was O.K., I also wished him happy father’s day… NOTHING!
Every morning and every afternoon I was logging into Match site just to check if he was online and one day here it was: The UGLY green light was on next to his picture… my heart skipped a few bits and I felt sick to my stomach… I immediately shot down the computer. After I picked myself up, I started my investigating research and I found his Face Book account, at the bottom of his timeline there was a link to a group he had just joined and I started reading the blog until I found his answer to my question: He was not living in my area, like he said to me when we met and what the Match site said, he was living in Europe! He probably just wanted to find someone here in the States to entertain him when he was in the area for business (he works for the DOD), and found me a bit too emotionally involved….
I spare you the rest, but all I can say is that online dating is really tough, at least for a woman.
Last Friday I met a very handsome and interesting man that I liked a lot right the way, we met again on Sunday night and had a great time together… I really like him and he seems to like me, but how can I get emotionally involved with him thinking that he might also disappear in a few days? Is there any decent men out there? Why is there such a disrespect among people in the online dating world?

It is very hard to trust after an experience like yours, Grazia. I wonder why he simply couldn’t be honest about where he lived? There’s nothing wrong with dating someone who’s often in the States. Will was not a jerk (as it seems your fast and furious was). He was just someone who got caught up in how good it felt and how connected we were. I was right there with him on both counts. Then a crisis occurred and all those emotions driving the relationship went up in smoke. As I said in the post, I’m grateful that he came along and showed me I could do all this again. I’ll be leery the next time around but I can’t let getting dumped by Will impact the next potential relationship. I will absolutely jump again–and hope you will, too, Grazia. Thank you for sharing your story.

I cannot possibly tell you how much I relate to your journey, and this story in particular. I’ve been there a couple of times and it just completely knocks the wind out of your sails and makes it so so hard to trust and not be jaded but yet…ya just have to keep on. And continue to be your own badass self, without apology. I’m sorry that happened to you but honestly, it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one with stories like that.

Loved your message, Clare. Thank you so much. I will continue to be my own badass self since the alternative is to become someone I wouldn’t like to be around. Not a bit. You’re not the only one and the comments alone to this post should reinforce that. The wind was knocked from my sails for a few months, but I’m back and I’m out there–and so is he (the man I’m going to meet). We just need a little serendipity. Thank you, again, for taking the time to write. I wish you big success in finding the right person to fill your sails. That sounds almost sexual, doesn’t it? Ha!

Oh Melani, you are tearing my heart apart; I have worked so hard to put my self back together after losing my wife. I have commented before that the commonality is too scary. And your stories, as hard as they are for me to read, I know are much harder to live in. You do help me so much though, as I work to piece things together. As for your story, finding ones self and letting that love and trust out into the world is tough enough without someone lining the path with shit. I really hope your writing helps you even half as much as it helps me. As you may remember, I am going through my own year of dating and all its rich variety of experiences [sic]. You did not know from previous correspondence that my Mom is going through the early stages (i.e., can’t tell the difference between credit card account and a checking account, variable memory, emotionally unstable…) of dementia along with failing health. I am glad you found a few bright shining moments along the way this time. Your father’s laughter, learning that you can feel deeply again, that you can express it all through your writing in a way that is both hopeful and cathartic. That you have great friends. Giving trust to a new romance interest is a big step and from your last post I know you thought it was a good one and worth it. But, you got hurt fairly badly, however I know that you will trust again. Maybe not as soon, or maybe you will but with just a bit of cynicism. The risk is worth it. Really. This would have been a much different story if he had been strong enough to be there for you. I am a romantic, and I have to believe that there will be another love, a trust worth sharing and having it returned. (OMG that is damn near optimistic – not sure what is wrong with me! Maybe because I have gone to bed with someone for the first time since my wife died… I guess I put my trust out there and am hoping I don’t get burned too.)
Keep your chin up,
*HUGS*,
thank you again, and
all my best,
Bill

So nice to hear from you, Bill! It’s Friday around 6pm and I just poured myself a glass of wine to sip while I respond to your beautiful comment. Firstly, I’m sorry to hear of your mom’s decline. It’s a painful process to watch and I imagine it must be truly awful from their end knowing something is wrong.

Yes, I got bruised from this experience and once I faced it, it hurt, more than I expected. Although you and I both know (probably better than most) there are no guarantees with love and no one is safe. Even when it is reciprocated with the same ferocity it is given–that person could leave us, and not by choice. It would be quite easy to hang up my stilettos and be done, but I can’t do that and I don’t regret risking heartache again. The “Will” experience was a rush and although I didn’t get the chance to love him with all I have, I looked forward to it and really wanted to. That desire to give myself to someone completely again was the miracle, so I’m grateful to him. In return I briefly showed him that relationships can have a level of intimacy (much more than sexual) he didn’t know existed. He told me our first conversation was deeper than he’d ever had with anyone before. Our first conversation. Imagine what was yet to come?

Let’s make a pact, Bill. Let’s agree to keep putting our trust out there without worry of getting burned. If this experience taught me nothing else, I learned that even though I got singed, it was worth it. He was worth it.

Hugs back to you and I’m so happy and grateful that my sharing has helped you along the way as you make a life beyond grieving. Congrats on the bedding, too, you sexy devil.

Still love your writing style. And really look forward to your book.
I’m so sorry about your dad. That’s hard stuff. Really, really really hard.
And, hard stuff can make us a little crazed, And do we stuff we wouldn’t otherwise do, I think. I know I do. So, I’m not judging you for sending that text. (and oh, how lovely, right. A total stranger NOT judging you on your blog 🙂 ) But, from his end, he must of wondered what on earth he had done to deserve getting what seemed to be such an angry text (me, honestly, I would have seriously paused if a man wrote me a text like that even if I had done something really bad, which Will had not – if I’m understanding the situation correctly.) And I would be kinda scared about the temper that might be lurking behind the text and how else it might flair up – because I think one has to have some time together to understand, really understand the other person and so not be put off by what that text implied. And what you really meant to say in the text was, “I just had an awful thing happen with my dad and I really need some comfort right now.” But, that’s not what he got. He got accused of something (it implied he was purposely avoiding your call when most likely he was just out with his family the same way you were out with your dad).
Meaning, I’m wondering if perhaps you and Will just didn’t have enough in person history to support a text like the one you sent. (If I’m correct, you all just had one in-person date? Or perhaps two – though I didn’t see the second one). Again, you had a really scary thing happen, but the timing, in terms of the romance, was unfortunate. (though honestly, most likely if you had seen Will a few more times in person, you would have decided he wasn’t your cup of tea after all).
Oh– and I do think breaking up by e-mail is cowardly, that right there is probably a good indication that he wasn’t right for you.
Also, what his brother texted was weird and offensive.

And — I bet you already know this by heart , but the thing I’ve learned about online dating is that it is best to severely limit any writing before meeting to just enough to know that most likely you will, if nothing else, have a pleasant evening with an interesting person. Otherwise, I think there is the danger of an unearned intimacy and a lot of projection without real-time knowledge to secure it to. I mean, that can be fun and heady, but I think rarely works out and raises expectations that are hard to meet.
I know you had a huge love at first sight with Neal (second husband?), and that that ended up being the real deal, so I can see why you were hopeful with this guy.
In any case, it sounds like you landed on your feet and got a lot of good stuff out of the experience.
BTW — I would run from any man who claims to be “baggage free.” He is lyng and living in fantasy land. How can one have gotten to our age without having a suitcase or two filled with some ghostly items from our past? I’d rather be with someone who can handle the fact that people have pasts, and drama, and all that stuff. Because people do. And, most likely, if he is still going through his divorce, in the process of it, no matter what he says, he is pretty unsettled (I always think a man is kind of insane for the first year after his divorce).

Yes, RJ, it’s easy to get caught up in Monday morning quarterbacking, for sure. I’ve run the scenario through my mind and questioned my decisions concerning Will too many times to count. Bottom line is it happened as it did and no amount of coulda, woulda, shouldas can change it. Nor can I use this as a springboard to better behavior, because of the outcome. I was in crisis and people respond to crisis as they do. Some are internal processors and others external. I think I’m a combo. In a tenuous situation, I rationally figure out what to do–my mind is racing for a solution that I execute–and then, once it’s handled, I relive the horror as if it’s happening all over again. It’s actually what writers do all the time to recreate scenes (I think you’re a writer, rj, right?). AND, I talk, often cry–and sometimes get mad. I was absolutely angry and hurt when I sent that text. Angry that I’m losing my father, angry that he’s become a stranger, angry that my beautiful dad is suffering with the indignation of this dreadful disease and angry at Will for having expectations of me that he couldn’t match when called upon to do so. There are multiple rational reasons as to why he wasn’t able to deliver, but that’s irrelevant because the outcome, no matter the reason, was the same. You wrote, “me, honestly, I would have seriously paused if a man wrote me a text like that even if I had done something really bad, which Will had not.” And that’s clearly how Will felt, too. I’m the opposite. I would’ve jumped on the phone in a panic, knowing something terrible happened. He needed me and I wouldn’t have paused for a second.

No worries about “judging you on your blog”. The support I’ve had through comments has made sharing this painful experience rather cathartic. I have been deeply touched by readers who bravely share their similar experiences. We can all go back and judgmentally determine where things went wrong, what we could’ve done differently–that’s easy. It’s the honesty in sharing commonalities in our life foibles that has made telling this story one of the best experiences I’ve ever had as a blogger.

Hi–
Again, I’m so sorry about your dad. I’ve been there and I know how awful stuff like that is.
As for Will, in addition to what I said, I also really do think that anyone who lets his brother text such an aggressive and sexist and antagonist text without profusely apologizing and acknowledging how inappropriate that was, is not only being non-protective and insensitive of the woman’s feelings, but also has some issues with assertive women. (And, yeah, that part is defintely “hindsight is 20-20” — but it does fit in with the way Will acted.)
When do you think your book will be out?
I also, think you’d probably make a very funny and slightly scary (in a good way) TV host.

Ha, rj! I think I’d enjoy being a TV host. Not sure what slightly scary in a good way means but it’s not the first time I’ve heard that assessment so there must be truth in your analysis. The brother’s texts were quite shocking. Will did make sure to clarify that those were his words but didn’t apologize for his brother’s inappropriate hostility. So strange that he felt he had the right to text those things but another example of being misjudged–and not his verbiage of choice, i.e.: ballbuster, but that he thought I was the sort of woman who would accept disrespect. Who knows? Maybe I’m personalizing it and he simply has general disdain for women. I actually looked forward in the future to providing little brother with much needed clarity on appropriate social interactions–in a non-ballbusterish manner, of course. It’s funny because those who know me well realize when I get extremely calm and my voice is soft, the words are going to be strategic. I don’t ever raise my voice, yell or become hysterical. Just incredibly pointed.

I’m not sure when the book will be out. I’m working feverishly on it every day. I’m hoping I can get it finished in rough by the end of August. I’ve been able to write about thirty pages in the last two weeks and that’s big progress. Of course, it will need a round or two of edits. I’m also not sure if I’m going to self publish or look for an agent and publisher. If I go the self publishing route, it will be out sooner. I’m leaning that way just because even with a publishing house, I’ll still have to do most of my own promoting. As it is with most new/unknown authors. Why give away my profits if I’m doing the selling? Nobody is banging down my door to sign me to a publishing deal, either. But, there’s a part of me that’s ego-driven and it would feel good to have a publisher’s confirmation that the work is worthy. Ugh, lots to think about but first I need to finish. It’s not a book until that last page is written. Thanks for asking, rj, and thank you for taking the time to comment twice. I appreciate your thoughts.

I just randomly thought of you today. I hope you are doing well. My closest friends and family have disappointed me. They avoid me and are sometimes mean to me. I was supportive of them when they suffered a loss. I don’t get it. I’m not needy or anything.

My dogs and complete strangers have been wonderful. People I don’t even know come up and talk to me because they think my dogs are cute. They are so kind and non judgemental. I can’t believe how wonderful complete strangers can be. And my dogs lick my tears away when we are in bed alone.

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, Pam. I want you to know the same thing happened to me. Many I was there for during rough times disappointed me when I needed them–both family and friends. I was most surprised at the kindness and compassion from those on the periphery of my life. People I never expected a thing from, delivered. Perhaps it’s the plight of a young widow. There aren’t many who can understand what it’s like to lose a spouse at such a young age. Maybe people are repelled by the reality that such a thing can happen? Maybe it’s too painful to see you in such pain (as one friend told me to justify her absence)? I attended a widow/widower group meeting once and was the youngest by several decades. I never went back. My dogs gave me great comfort, though, as do yours. It will get better, I promise. I’ve even been able to forgive some of those people who weren’t there and the relationships are back on track, but I’ll never forget. If you want to talk just send me an email through this site and we can exchange numbers. I’m happy to share my experiences or just listen. I get it because I’ve been there. Cyber hugs, Pam. I swear the loss will become more livable.

Thanks for this wonderful reply that made me feel not alone. But you deserve so much more than a simple thanks. I happened to go back and read your thoughtful responses to everyone that commented on your blog. You made so many people feel compelled to share their stories. Some were long and not fascinating (not to me anyway, sorry) yet you answered everyone as if they were the greatest story ever told. You found a way to connect with all of them.

When I figure out what’s better than a simple thanks you’ll be the first. But for now Thanks. You’re an exceptional human being.

A simple thanks is perfect, Pam. I’m so glad I was helpful. It’s a rough thing you’re going through–the roughest. Only someone who’s been there can understand completely. It’s a loss like no other. One that even well meaning people don’t seem to grasp. I’ve had many compare the loss of my husband to the death of one of their parents in a show of commonality. I’m not diminishing their grief but there’s no comparison. I read several studies on grief and each concluded the hardest recovery is the loss of a spouse/life partner. I think the only thing worse would be to lose a child.

Thank you for acknowledging my responses to comments. It’s actually one of my favorite things about writing this blog. Just look at the soft landing readers provided when I shared this story. I love that the blog has become a safe place for others to share their similar experiences. The “At Last” story was the most gratifying writing experience I’ve ever had. The outpouring of understanding and compassion from those who follow along filled my heart. I’ve very lucky.

I hope you’re feeling stronger, Pam, but my offer has no expiration date. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. Thank you for your beautiful words.