A recovering addict has only one thing to be focused on and that’s their sobriety. And although a little healthy narcissism is a good thing, they need to learn to think of those around them as well. Many of us who have loved ones in recovery must also realize our role, not only in the recovery process, but the role we have played in the life of those who grapple with addiction.

You may not have even realized it but at some point you may have unwittingly become an enabler, a co-dependent. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship; including family, work, friendship, and even romantic, but perhaps nowhere else does it have such a deleterious effects as with those afflicted by addictions. This is where seeking professional council and a support community is imperative, as indentifying and correcting co-dependent behavior can go along way to aiding and maintaining continued health and well being for all concerned.

Those in the early stages of recovery often forget the feelings of those closest to them. Being so focused on remaining sober sometimes their emotions get the better of them. They often feel physically unsettled, and emotionally conflicted and as such are apt to have a short fuse. When problems arise you, as always, rush to make it all right and easily fall back into your role as the co-dependent. As member of their recovery community you need to take a step back and remind them now is a good time to reflect on their previous behavior and react responsibly. Many will be resistant to this idea, remind them instead of carrying a chip on their shoulder they would do well to remember the one (sobriety chip) in their pocket. Surely many sorted things have past between you and loved ones due to addictions, now is the time to work hard to earn back each others trust.

Enabling by yourself or others can have a disastrous effect on those in recovery. By offering sympathy and indulging those mired in self-pity, you are only setting them up to fail. Self-pity in recovery is natural, but when over indulged it becomes destructive and serves only to undermine the recovery process. It only fuels the notion that those in recovery are somehow victims of their circumstances and they are somehow justified in feeling sorry for themselves and deserving of sympathy from others.

You, as the co-dependent, need to accept responsibility for your part in the recovery process and learn to behave differently and work hard to develop a new frame for your relationship with those in recovery.

This bumper sticker flashed before my eyes as a car whizzed through the stop sign and nearly hit me. After we exchanged some choice words and multiple hand gestures, I was back on my way no worse for wear. A rather insightful choice for a bumper sticker for someone who obviously can’t read let alone drive, by I digress… In an interesting parallel, I was replaying a confrontation I had with a friend in my mind. According to her I supposedly offended her when I called her recent actions into question at a mutual friends dinner party. She said I was over reacting and trying to make her feel guilty for enjoying herself. I replayed our conversation a dozen times in my mind. No! She was acting out in a way that was inappropriate and jeopardizing her sobriety not to mention our friendship of 15+ years and that was all there was to it! In volatile situations most people immediately react with anger of their own and / or move quickly to defend themselves and their actions. Both reactions are inappropriate. It is true that the angry person is afraid of something, as anger is more often than not simply a mask for fear or insecurity, but that is their lesson and not yours. Your lesson is to work out why you are having the feelings that you are having. You are reacting because of those feelings and not because of the other person's antagonism. For someone on the road to recovery these situations can be hard to handle and may lead to poor choices and negative consequences. This person has been brought into your life to teach you something and your part in the drama is to work out what you have to learn from it, take ownership of it and move ahead the best you can one step at a time. You see nothing is worth jeopardizing your hard earned sobriety. The truth is that people who have lived with addictions of any kind in their lives are hurt and may not have worked out how to heal that hurt (particularly co-dependents such as myself). When you realize that, you may find that your own feelings will change very naturally into compassion, as was the case for me. Several days later I met with my friend and told her how much I loved and cared about her but when she was engaging in those behaviors I was worried she was undermining all she had worked for and that was upsetting. She hugged me and said you know my recovery is for me to work out not you. I agreed and realized I had been projecting my own fears and experiences of my childhood spent dealing with an alcoholic parent onto her. As we hugged, she reached into her bag and handed me a magnet that read - you guessed it -“Life Is A Journey Not A Guilt Trip”. For some reason I thought of you when I saw this she said with a smile.

_ I have been really grappling with the fear of change lately, not sure why as in the grand scheme I have done fairly well on that front. Which is to say when a time of great change has happened in my life - knock on wood - I have always come away the better for it one way or another. Typically when the dull ache of anxiety sets in it is because I have momentarily misplaced my faith in the negative words of others or substituted their experiences for my own and forgotten that I am on my own journey. I alone manage my life, make my own choices and will experience my own destiny. Fear has a strange way of making you think that all manner of dark things are real, yet as Wayne Dyer observes, “The components of anxiety, stress, fear, and anger do not exist independently of you in the world. They simply do not exist in the physical world, even though we talk about them as if they do.”Relapse is a genuine concern for those in recovery, but do you live in a state of fearful anticipation because of it? Are you always fixating on the “what if” or the “unless”, “until”, and “when”? Is this really living or is this allowing fear to be your guide?Do you truly believe that life can be what you want it to be? Why is it so hard to be positive? Living in a culture of fear is a difficult thing and with the advent of technology it spreads faster then ever. But what if you could change the way you think? Can we really become masters of our own fate? Many in recovery are faced with these thoughts and the deeper questions of the spirit. There are no easy answers; science and religion will never really answer the truly important questions in your life only you can. Though fear has the power to hold you back it also has the power to propel you forward. Your addictions are the framework for your life in many respects; learning to overcome them may be the catalyst to something far greater than you could possibly imagine. By leaving those behaviors behind you are free to reinvent yourself however you see fit, you may be surprised who you become. Who knows maybe living a purposeful life on your own terms may lead to you becoming a rock star, the next greatest chef, a best selling author, or simply a happy more productive you. In the end dealing with fear is like many things in life, it is all in how you choose to view it. The important thing to remember is that you can choose. Choose to be happy and content right now and focus on what you most want out of life. All though there are all manner of negative things that could happen there are an equal of number of positive things that will happen living a clean and sober life. As you move forward in pursuit of your life you will gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... we all must find the courage to do the very thing which we think we cannot. The only thing to fear…

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