No, Paul Ryan Is Not Sexy

I’m just going to insert Ryan into my kid’s name. I feel like between Ryan Gosling and Ryan Philippe and Paul Ryan and all the Ryans who I do not really think deserved to be called “sexy” it’s just the name that’s doing it for them. The name. Nothing else. Because, honestly. Paul Ryan looks like a slightly smugger version of Eddie Munster.

I agree that he’s not bad looking! He’s very nice looking. But why are people finding this man so sexy they’re hate-masturbating to him? And declaring him “the hottest VP ever?” Do people not even remember Henry Wallace?

Kind of hot, yes? He looks like he's actually just about to have sex with you RIGHT NOW.

I’m sorry, is this maybe an Ayn Rand thing? I do not find Ayn Rand’s sex scenes particularly exciting. They’re clunky. They’re clunky sex scenes. Maybe Paul Ryan is just getting the Objectivists/Secret Objectivists on this. Though I will admit that being a teenaged girl reading Ayn Rand made me briefly want to run off with men that would be very, very bad life partners. So I’m certainly not dismissing that as something that might make a woman attracted to someone.

Is it the widow’s peak? Do people just love that? Look, I realize that Marilyn Monroe had one, but they did make her pluck it out (horribly). Generally I think widow’s peaks are associated with vampires.

Oh. Okay. Is it that? Is it that under some circumstances one might be able to mistake Paul Ryan for a creature of the night? Are people inserting some sort of Dark Shadows fantasy into this? I get that! I have Dark Shadows fantasies! Barnabas Collins is a really interesting combination of being bad/wanting-to-do-good. I mean, I’m more of a Christian Bale in Batman kind of girl, but I get it.

So, is it that? Look, maybe I do just prefer full-on-evil (when I first read the Hannibal series at 13 I think my overwhelming reaction was “why would everyone not want to run away and listen to opera in Florence and eat delicious people?”) so I know that I could be missing the allure if its that.

And this is not a political thing. I swear I’m not jumping up and down being like “ooh, I could never date a conservative.” I’m not doing that because I am me. I cannot remember the last time I dated a democrat. College? College.

OH GOD WAIT I DATED A DEMOCRAT ONCE BUT HE WAS BRITISH SO IT DOESN’T COUNT.

Good talk.

But, I’m sorry, the problem here is, to me, Paul Ryan just always looks kind of dumb. He looks smug, but more than that, well, he looks goofy. He looks like he has a bland goofy grin and would laugh at the wrong times during sex. I also cannot help but think that if I got pregnant given his stance on women’s rights we would be in a nightmare situation. I imagine him just staring at me really judgmentally in that situation. Hannibal Lecter would never do that. He’d just go eat someone, and then we’d work it out. Frankly, he also looks like his lips are pursed, either in concern or because he just swallowed them. Because he possibly just swallowed his own lips.

To me, nothing about this spells sex. I mean, yes, he does seem younger, but he does not seem like a younger, harder, smarter, more go-getting version of Romney. He seems like Romney’s goofy sidekick to me. Romeny’s goofy side-kick who is going to entirely defund planned parenthood. Which I am opposed to.

Sorry, I don’t understand. Is this mostly just a factor of him being on the young side? Or is it because it feels “forbidden?” Do people actually forbid themselves from dating members of opposing political parties? Is that a thing people do?

Tell me. Tell me how you feel. If you want, you can tell me your weird Paul Ryan fantasy, but it’s going to make me a tiny bit uncomfortable.