January 25, 2011

As some of you know...and as many of you may have guessed...I have done the unthinkable in a time and economy like ours.

I have quit my job.

FREEEEEDOMMMMM!!!!!! And it tastes so sweet.

Against all parental advice, my own rational judgement, sound reason and sheer common sense, I have chosen to walk away from my five year stint as an IT analyst*. And while I have been relishing my new occupational freedom, now that I've had a week to digest and assess my professional situation, there are a few things I do miss about the old 9 to 5:

1. Daily social interactions: Working for myself by myself is a lonely profession. And as much as I try, Bill just isn't much of a conversationalist. As a matter of fact, I have learned he spends most of his daytime hours sleeping in the big people bed, basking in warm sun spots and DRINKING TOILET WATER.

This is the face of a dirty toilet bowl water drinker. For shame.

2. Office gossip: Who's secretly dating whom? She did what to get where she is? How do you know his personal life is in the crapper? Who's pregnant!? Who's getting married?! YOU SAW WHO WEARING A MUSCLE SHIRT AND SPANDEX SHORTS AND DOING SQUATS AT THE GYM?!

3. Free Keurig coffee: I don't have a coffee maker and all instant coffee** mixes I've tried have tasted like swill. SWILL!

New toy. New drawing.

4. Corporate credit card: Even though my purchases had to be job relevant, I loved spending money knowing the bill wasn't coming to me. And the few times I got to travel and eat on the company dime? Fan-freakin-tastic. Somewhere out there is an expense report with Sprinkles cupcakes, bubble tea and P.F. Chang's*** on it.

5. Covered parking: At home, my poor car is forced to squat in a dirt driveway. It's only protection from the elements being a few far reaching branches which are the popular haunt of a few poop filled birds and a handful of nut throwing squirrels.

**Quite interested in this new Starbucks VIA stuff. Any good? And yeah yeah, I know...big corporate blah blah blah. Well, show me an independent coffee brewer making instant coffee and I'll bite.

***I was working in Dallas on a Friday night and decided takeout Chinese, bad TV and fluffy hotel down pillows sounded like a fine way to spend the evening. I arrived at P.F. Chang's and was directed to place my takeout order at the bar full of cozy couples and rowdy happy hourers. When my crab rangoon and dan dan noodles arrived, the waitress inquired, "Do you need silverware?" My response, "Yes.......TWO!!!" I lied.

****Not YOU, Amy Bitchguli. Oh yeah. I went there..................cowardly and passive aggresively on a blog.

January 16, 2011

January 1, 2011

I welcomed 2011 by counting down with Dick Clark while spewing graham cracker crumbs from my mouthful of s'mores and oblivious to the dripping chocolate staining my shirt. How did you celebrate?

After clinking some glasses and treating my chocolate puddles*, it was time for the obligatory new year's resolutions. Except, I hadn't thought of any.

Now, there are the expected health resolutions, financial resolutions, relationship resolutions, etc, etc. Those are pretty personal and probably best kept to myself. And because the art resolutions are going to take me a few days to mull over, I shall move onto a more superficial resolution that was inspired by today's t-shirt purchasing trip to American Apparel.

New favorite t-shirt. If only it came with a v-neck and without the stupid catalog pose.

2011 Resolution take one: No more trips to weird ass American Apparel.**

2011 Resolution take two: Do not ever dress like a weird hipster.***

2011 Resolution take three: Do not wear clothing that resembles one of the Golden Girls nor any clothing that is meant to be ironic...or pretty much anything someone who prides himself on knowing the most obscure indie band might wear.****

Where was THIS at the store?!

Today, I found myself at American Apparel in my quest for the perfect, slightly fitted, super soft t-shirt. As soon as I stepped inside and my eyes adjusted to the harsh fluorescent lighting and I was able to survey my surroundings...[cue music...one of these things is not like the other...]...I fought the urge to slowly back pedal my way out of there. But I didn't. The promise of the perfect t-shirt was too great.***** You see...

Dude. That's underwear.

American Apparel sales people dress weird.

And apparently...and irrefutably...I am getting old.

What? I repeat...WHAT????

I am at the age where I just don't understand what young people are wearing anymore. I am at the age where trendy is no longer desirable and classic is extremely appealing. When looking for clothing, I now desire characteristics that are foreign to those much younger than I...characteristics such as value, quality, figure flatteringness and comfortability.

I used to pride myself on seeking out little known boutiques and unknown designers.

******Despite what you may construe from this post, by no means do I wish to offend young people. I love young people. Some of my favorite people in the world are young people. But unfortunately, some of those young people dress like weird hipsters. I have no qualms with regular hipsters...just the weird ones. And if you happen to be reading this and are a weird hipster...what do you want from me? I already admitted I'm an old loser.