Confusion

I have been enjoying the freedom and time that I have found myself with lately. It’s such a luxurious privilege to wake up and plan a day that feels meaningful.

I met with a really great lawyer today. She was recommended to me by a mentor of mine and I had been avoiding engaging her because her rates are pretty high. After our conversation, I feel that I am at a big decision making point and I’m leaning more towards closing down my business.

This is a very difficult decision and when I think about it I am completely saddened by how much effort I have put into this and how proud I am of the whole project. I really thought this was going to be the thing I made that would prove how intelligent I am. I thought it was going to provide assurance in my ideas and my creativity. I became addicted to the praise people were giving me for having a shot and doing a really good job. The project helped me to raise my own expectations and eventually I wanted to be the best.

I have put so much time and thinking into this project. I have given so much of myself to it. I thought this was my way out of working a shitty job. I left my shitty job and I started to dream big. I thought I was going to be self-sufficient, independent and comfortable. And now it feels like I have nothing. Nothing tangible.

I know I will come away from this having learned a whole heap of important lessons. I know I can pick myself up and I know I am going to be OK.

It just feels like I am mourning something. Someone.

What am I if I am not this?

After the meeting I had a coffee and sat down to text my friend. I told her about the chat I had with my boyfriend about a week ago, about how he is unsure about marriage. I am also unsure and I always have been. It’s just confusing, he is supporting me financially but it also feels like he is protecting himself by trying not to get too involved. We are so involved. He is non-committal in everything he does. He has just taken three weeks to negotiate and sign a work contract so he is not tied to anything.

What do I want?

I can see myself finding work in the arts. I have been scared to work for anyone else but perhaps that’s something I need to consider.

I like being in a relationship with my boyfriend. I like his kind heart, his open mind, how different he is to me. We are very close friends. I want to know that he will be there for me. I am scared about him leaving me for a better job. He is so driven by money. I have always been scared of him leaving me. I felt that when he went to Berlin last year. He just left, without talking with me about it. And I hated hearing his stories. I hated hearing about the people he was meeting. I felt like he was admiring their lives and looking for opportunity. When he came back he said, ‘Thank you for having me back’. I have never asked him what he meant by that. The whole experienced tainted my feelings and eventually lead to me breaking up with him. I felt like I was always going to be living this life trying to keep him with me and trying to hold onto him. When we broke up I said I felt like our relationship was all about him, we were always talking about him and doing things for him. And I said I wanted to have children (this was more of an excuse). Thinking about it now I was trying to communicate that I wanted more space in the relationship, and I wanted a commitment. I don’t want to feel like I am trying to keep someone. I don’t want to feel like he could leave at any moment once something better comes along.

I don’t want a life-time guarantee. I want to know he is in this long term. I want to know that we are on the same page.

I want to travel. I want to live somewhere else. I think in this way we are compatible.

I want to find something meaningful to do with my time that is valued in terms of money and the actual work. I live in a world where caring for others is not valued, so my jobs so far (teacher, nanny, aged care) have made me feel like a secondary citizen. I want to make a difference and I want to be recognized for that. I want what I once thought I would never be able to have.