She complains in a way to put down, there is always something wrong with what I cook, she won't eat well and feeds the rest to the dogs. I feel like I can't do anything right, it gets me down and depressed.

20 Comments

LindaMarie01001 Im so sorry your going through so much. Taking care of 3 adults is bad enough when one has no health issues. One is a lot really. Your right you need to worry about you, find any and every assistance available to you and everyone in your family. They need caregivers, not you being their caregivers. There are support groups you can go to as well. Cancer runs in my family, breast, bone,( breast and bone my grandma who had lived past the 5 years after diagnoses!!!) cervical and I think prostate( heart disease too).

Your young but not alone, you have us here and Im sure many other people. You need relaxation times, fun times. I know its hard to think of positives when your around negativity and stress all day. You believe you can do this, I believe you can do this and yes, take a vacation! Your in my thoughts :)

LindaMaria - Don't know really what to say except that you are not alone. I wanted to run away so much the last 3 years and I would think "how do people do it?" How do they just protect themselves and leave? I was not able to do that but my Mother is going to an Assisted Living facility next month. What I found is the last 3 years is that I have lost my own personality. I just feel like a handmaiden, someone to always do for others. I believe in service and helping but when it crossed the line to resentment and misery I needed to do something else. Did not happen overnight but once I became a little proactive about my needs I felt better. Everyone else was pissed but who cares - I was dying there.

wow!!! it seems we got a lot in common and we are not alone... we all have each other to listen to and hear it as well.... And I also have siblings that don't know what I go through and believe Mom when she says there is no food in the home... Translation meaning no Ice cream or cookies or cake or candy... but my siblings believe her and she makes me out to look like shit to them... but you don't see any of them coming to help out here... My older brother will come to take her out to eat or a movie... he doesn't see what really goes on here at all and believes her... he gets to have a fun time going out with her, he doesn't really know what goes on here day to day... And apparently doesn't think breast cancer is that bad for me to have... he tells me to give Mom a break, hell I need a break... He says she 80 and for me to lighten up that some day Ill know how she feels... I told him I can only hope to find out how that feels, I have breast cancer at 58 and I'd love to live to be bitter and as old as she to my children some day.....but... I got to make it for 5 years to be considered a survivor... first. I got a long road to travel to get to that... I want to live and my Mom wants to die. It is hard to deal with. And to top things off, I also care for my brother whom is mentally ill and a husband that is lazy, at this point the lazy husband gets to me more sitting on his butt eating himself to death and almost 400lbs. Now I care for 3 adults with no help and I have breast cancer, who's going to help me? I already know that answer it's "ME".... so I have to decide what to do about this, funny how I feel like running away at 58 yrs old.

My Mom has always been pretty much on the negative side.... but has gotten worse and worse... now that I have breast cancer you'd think she would change for me... I have changed for her, gave up everything several years ago to come back home to help her out... This today may of cost me my marriage of 28 yrs... I get no support from any one here whom I live with, not even my husband... all I got was pity and a death sentence.... and I am surrounded by negativity and my doctors say not good for me... I need to be healthy mentally and physically to beat this cancer... I don't know what to do know, before I was just putting up with the negative on a daily basis...I still don't get much help... recently Mom decided to quit smoking, she had smoked for 40 yrs or better and quit, was sick and negative to me badly this time... I was worried for her cause she is 80 and with drawls are serious, I talked to my older brother about it and he was just as negative as her and app I wanted was for him to talk to her.. make sure she is okay, I didn't want her to die from with drawls, she has hardening of the arteries high blood pressure and weighs less than 100 lbs... I don't know how much longer I can handel this or how much time I my self have left here on this earth. I know one thing for sure... I do not want to live the rest of my life like this, this is not fair and it sucks...

You are allowing another person to control you. Tell her to stop it, you don't appreciate it, and then walk away. If she continues, stop fixing dinner for her, and tell her that you will no longer tolerate her belittling of you. Speak up for yourself. Of course, you did not mention if she has dementia, but you can remind her you are a person with feelings and you would like some respect.

I was thinking today that I have never heard my mother laugh. Sometimes she would have a nervous twitter, but never a good, healthy laugh. She can watch a comedy on TV and never crack a smile. Maybe it used not to be ladylike to laugh. I would love to hear her really laugh. I think it would get rid of a lot of that tension in her.

Now the sad thing is that I can't remember laughing in the house since I've been home. Maybe this house has a laugh suppressing effect on people.

Hadenough don't even go there with ADVICE from the "invisables" I slam the phone down if anyone of my family ADVISE me on any food nutrition etc.. if I wasn't here looking after her shed be dead pure and simple its so frustrating to have advice when they have no idea what we are dealing with. My mum has accused me of not feeding her which I now ignore she tells my family that "theres always food for the cat but never food for me" if I don't crack soon then im a tougher person than I ever imagined!!

My dad has ALZ and diabetes. His favorite phrase is normally "I;m not hungry" But he eats whatever we put in front of him, and mooches around for snacks! So just keep offering , sound like you are and good for you! As for the negativity.. I find it's worse after any change in routine.

I am in the same boat. I have had my mother in my home for almost three years. Nothing, and I mean nothing pleases her. I have truly tried. Her motto is "If you have nothing bad to say, then say nothing at all". I have had it. She has always been like this. Stupid me! I thought that bringing her into my home where she would get the care she needs would make a difference. It is only the two of us. Her negativity has affected me to the point where I am no longer the person that I was. Smiling is a rarity. She's not pleased with anything that I do but refuses to do anything herself. All day long she sits in the chair in her room except to eat. I hate to get up in the mornings. I hate being in my own home. No one comes to see her. She has four children. It angers me; but I can understand why. I am in this house with her 24/7 for weeks at a time. I am at the point that I only do what I have to do for her. It is to the point that we say very little to each other . I am trying to detach. Caregivers go into this situation with all good intentions and it seems as if we are being punished. If only once I could get a smile , a "Good morning" or "Good night" or a "Thank you"! On top of this many of us deal with guilt because of the way we feel. We are only human. No one wants to feel emotionally and mentally abused, unappreciated; especially, when you have, practically, given up your life for this person. All we can do is do our beat until we just cannot do it anymore. I'm almost at that point.

Confabulation - great word for what my Mom does. Jessie - I hear you, I deal with this all of the time. I have a sister who is filled with guilt because she does next to nothing for Mom - but when Mom tells her confabulation she believes it - then I get to hear about it. Give me a break. I finally told her that everything Mom says may not be true and she called me paranoid. OMG, glad that denial is working for her as she goes on about her life and I take care of the parent. I finally decided until they live here they can just shove their opinions. Do not want to hear it.

After helping my Mom through the first year and a half after Dad's death she now labels me a control freak and says the most mean, negative things to me. I enjoyed helping her through the estate process, teaching her about the bills and generally being there for her. She made me POA and executrix of her will and swore she would never trust my brothers again particularly the oldest. Now 18 months later, she is negative about everything, including me. Worse she has started to seek the council of one of my brothers who totally manipulated money and favor out of Dad his entire life. I'm not sure which hurts more, that she now thinks I only helped her for some alterior motive or the prospect of manipulating brother back in my life. He also tried to make my life as miserable as possilbe for decades.

This is the most wearying thing to me. The complaints, negativity, and criticism is something I can depend on every day. To add to the woes, my mother now makes up stories to feel bad about. My brother came to visit today and she made up stories of things people, including me, told her. She put herself as playing an active part in her stories, interacting with people she had not interacted with, having conversations that never happened. None of the tales were happy ones. They were all negative. I told my brother when he left that very little of what Mom told him happened. It was worrisome to hear one story that has been building for a year now had a whole cast of characters who were mad at each other. And all of these characters were mad at me, so they weren't going to finish some work. Huh???

If you want to go crazy, listening to someone confabulate your life in front of you will do it. If I had a less firm grip on reality I would probably be adrift in confusion.

The appetite does go down as we age. Normal - part of nature. What I have a problem with is other family members telling me how to get her to have proper nutrition. They do not live here! I make her small meals that will not overwhelm her and her tiny appetite. She maintains her weight but I never insist she try and eat. OMG - she is 90 and can friggin eat whenever she wants. I try and tell the family members - in a nice way of course - that nature will take its course and until they find me the fountain of youth I am doing all I can. One day at a time - bless all of you who are in the same situation.

I experience the not wanting to eat thing with MIL. Not hungry. Dr. said part of the disease. The brain not longer can tell them they are hungry. I suppose it might be the body's way of shutting down rather naturally when the brain is not functioning properly any more. Years ago elders would just slowing fade and go. It was like they shrunk away. I think I am also noticing she is not aware of sensing pain as much. Anyone else finding this to be the case? It is a sad disease and especially since it is robbing both you and your mom of your lives.

This is probably the biggest challenge that I have caring for my Mother. She just lights up when there is negative news. So sad and depressing. The way that I deal with it is to try not to take it personally. Easier said than done however. I got into with my Mother about her negative comments a couple of nights ago and NEVER again will I do that. It was awful and went nowhere because she does not remember and I just felt awful for a few hours. After all of the crying and yelling were over she came up to me and said "I don't know why you are picking a fight with me." She says such hurtful things and just goes on about her day so why should I listen to that nonsense and have it affect my life. So hard, but this is all temporary.

My mum was always negative her whole life and thats why shes no friends and family find it hard to be around her! She has now just got worse she dosnt complain about my cooking but has gone off chicken etc..things she used to love your mum may be going off food and is complaining to cover up her lack of interest in food? My mum loved her food now she says ill have a small bit im not hungry? I asked her why she wasnt hungry shed say "ive gone off food theres nothing I like anymore"? I think this is a part of dementia as its just not like her all she wants to eat is bread and jam or cheese. I always make sure theres stuff in fridge for a sandwich as she wont eat complicated food or should i say she wont cook anything thats too much concentration.My mums been an unhappy woman all her life no matter what weve done for her its never enough ive given up trying to make her happy and just make sure shes safe and looked after what on earth more can you do? as long as im running around after her shes happy she sits in front of tv all day and dost want to do anything. She was never like this but think she has depression with the dementia or is angry as she knows something is wrong and is trying to hide it? My friends mum had als and was a very calm gentle woman until she got ill she was always moaning and was never happy always giving out so the illness caused this.Just smile and then go outside, run naked down the street screaming your head off!!!! thats what ive wanted to do at times watch this space...................

DITTO, LindaMarie!. A friend of mine who cares for his 90-year old mother says the same thing. He advised me it's about control and attention. (When my mother used to tell me to jump, I ask how high and stop whatever I was doing to please her.) I've come to totally agree with my friend. Sometimes my mother complains that she's sick when she definitely is not. I'll tell her I'm sick, too. When it's 90 degrees she'll complain that it's cold. An hour after she's eaten a hearty meal, she complains that she's hungry. I've kind of learned to stop her complaining by heaping my own real and imagined complaints right back on her. At least she stops her for the time being. Also my mother routinely says grace. I know it's just a habitual recitation rather than meaningful words. Immediately after her "Amen" I remind her how blessed she is to have all of her needs taken care of by God and me. That stops her complaints for a little while, too. LOL!

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