Sean Penn fails to deny 'gay cocaine for quotes' Falklands rumour

Small-faced actor Sean Penn has so far failed to deny that he was given 'a massive bag of gay cocaine' in exchange for slagging off Her Majesty's Falklands.

Until now, no-one has even suggested that Penn was given 'an awful lot of pink drugs' to spout on about a subject he knows nothing about. Nor has there been any evidence that he only visits South America because he 'gets off on drowning gibbons in a bucket'.

The fact that no-one has either implied or denied the star of a hit '80s failed marriage is 'up to his neck in a goat porn ring' can only fuel rumours, should anyone wish to start them.

Mr Penn wasn't in Venezuela promoting a limited edition 'Penn's Own Recipe Kitten and Heroin' flavour pie for Fray Bentos, although he's remained tight-lipped on the subject.

Meanwhile patriotic survival-hunk Ben Fogle hasn't so far confirmed that he can 'rescue orphans from wells, using song'.

I did like the point made on last night's 10'oclock show about how it was a bit rich Penn accusing the UK of colonialism for having had 2000 people living on the Falklands (300 miles off the argentinian coast) for 200 years when Argentina is itself a largely Spanish colony, and the Spanish wiped out most of the Natives of South America. Still, since the US systematically tried to wipe out the Native North Americans in the 1800s by gratuitously killing Buffalo and herding the tribes into reservations, I expect the irony was wasted on him.