Rock Test: Scandinavia Edition

Scandinavia is an area in northern Europe, consisting of Denmark, Norway, and Sweden. Scandinavia is also weirdly rocking. Get your Scantron, your non-ironic belief in elves and trolls, and let’s do this.

1) Parson Sound wrote the 20-minute “From Tunis To India in Fullmoon(on Testosterone)” because ______________________.

A: the seven-minute version just wasn’t “Terry Riley” enough

B: they knew in 1968 that it would make for a great joke about Lance Armstrong’s workout mixtape

C: art school

D: that’s what all the German kids were doing(and by “German Kids” I mean “Amon Duul”)

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Answer: C

I’m beginning to think that “art school” is fake. I know lots of educated people, and none of them went to “art school”. I also know no one who has attended Phoenix University; maybe that’s an “internet art school”. Both of them are probably fake, like someone saying, “yeah, a girl did a Hot Carl for me once in art school.

[Note: Hot Carls are typically done at “internet art school”]

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2) Scandinavian musicians have a deep affection for melody in music because_____________.

A: the national anthem for Sweden is the soundtrack to Chess, sung in its entirety

C: only highly-melodic music can honor the heir to the Scandinavian throne, King Diamond

D: hopefully the steadfastness in their belief will make Meshuggah come around

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Answer: D

Seriously, Meshuggah is the most un-Scandinavian metal to come out of a place whose landright is full of genres and sub-genres of metal. I don’t even know if I like it; by design, every instrument becomes a percussion instrument, including the vocals. I bet the guys from Opeth call up Roxette every now and then and say, “no, not yet, but I’m sure it’s just a phase…”

C: this Norwegian supergroup is called The New Guitar Buddies, which is obviously the name of a Japanese supergroup

D: the Davy Jones of the group was born in Chile

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Answer: B

Jan Eggum

C is not the correct answer because there was a Norwegian supergroup before them called, well, Guitar Buddies(which included as a member Jan Eggum, who I’ve been listening to lately, a folk singer often called by the appropriate nickname “the face of the melancholy”). D isn’t correct because Alejandro Fuentes really is Norwegian. A… is technically correct, but I think he’s kind of cute.

But, for real, what’s the Yiddish word for the type of emotion Leonard Cohen must feel to have one of his most beautiful songs be called “The Shrek Song”? I saw a double-penetration porn once that had “Ave Maria” play after some initial unsuccessful attempts at the titular act; I don’t refer to “Ave Maria” as the “That DP song” now. Well, hardly ever.

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4) Tina Turner denounced her American citizenship to become an official Swiss citizen. Why did she not pick a Scandinavian country?

A: None of the Scandinavian countries had a village conveniently named Nutbush.

B: The knife she used to cut Ike’s dick off was a Swiss Army style, so she felt obligated.

C: Because her favorite album is Chocolate & Cheese, duh.

D: WAIT, TINA TURNER IS LEAVING AMERICA?

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Answer: D

She’s leaving for practical reasons(she’s been living there since the 90’s), but I’m sad to see her go: Tina Turner has a starring role in my favorite Frank Zappa story. Here’s a brief version: Zappa hired The Ikettes to sing the tricky vocal part of “Montana”: it was more difficult music than Tina and the girls ever attacked, and it took them forever. Tina Turner even baked Zappa a casserole as an away of apologizing about taking so long.

That’s the short, sweet version, but there is a rich tapestry woven out of the particulars of that story: Zappa thought is was important to have the actual Ikettes because he thought their contribution to music was important. People, including me, still argue over how actually misogynistic Zappa was, but he HATED the way Ike berated Tina during the recording process and felt embarrassed that Tina felt it necessary to bring him food because it was taking her long to do(Napoleon Murphy Brock did it well, but his cognitive abilities were constantly being pushed to the outer limits of cocaine’s beneficiary effects). This story holds off a lot of idol-killing I might want to do to Zappa the person, and strengthens the persona of Zappa the musician.

Truthfully, Tina Turner would be a poor fit for Scandinavia; she has a tendency to take pure pop songs and make them nasty as Hell, but in a good way. A bit too rough for the elves of the Scandinavian forest. Also, the kick-ass halbard/mic stand combo the Swiss will provide will make her legs look rockin’.

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BONUS QUESTION!

In the comments below, name one song from one Scandinavian band/artist that represents their geographic homeland the best; use between 1 and 100 words to defend your choice. The best answer will receive a prize from my Electro Swag Bag; a CleanScreen kit from Pipeline. Skal!