Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Sacrifice: The High Cost of Fred-dom

The McRib sandwich:

Offered for sale only periodically from the McDonald's chain of poison dispensaries, its reappearance is always cause for great rejoicing among the sandwich's many fans.

As for me, I don't get excited about a food that's probably made from carcasses scavenged from animal testing labs. However, there is one greasy, rubbery, orange-hued slab of meat whose return always delights me, and that glistening patty is Mario Cipollini:

Cipollini's return to the sport is the best cycling-related news I've heard since the last time he returned to the sport, but despite his resemblance to a McRib (right down to the fake grill marks) he wants you to know he's fat-free and has a trunk full of muscle:

“I weigh 90kg, 8 more than when I was in top condition, but it’s not excess fat, just muscle, especially in my arms and trunk. My legs are perfect. I have some little pains in my knee and back, but my motor is good, and capable of standing up to this gamble.”

And if you think Cipollini is returning to the sport for his own financial gain, you should be ashamed of yourself, because the fact is he's doing it in the interest of medical science:

Cipollini also grandly explained that he would make himself available for scientific research, “to understand what changes there are in a high-level athlete with the passing of years.”

Though it really doesn't take a scientist to figure out that those changes mostly involve dramatically-increased oil production:

(Cipo's constantly increasing unctuousness flies in the face of the "peak oil" theory.)

Of course, Mario Cipollini is best known for two things. The first is on-the-bike suntanning:

And the second is sprinting. However, with the selflessness of an olive oil-drenched Buddha, Cipollini insists he will act as a leadout man for his teammate--though whether or not he actually sticks to that promise remains to be seen:

Indeed, it's hard out there for a Fred. First, you've got the grueling race schedule consisting of four to six races:

...Mr. Nicholas trains for four to six USA Cycling-sanctioned races per season, with the goal of placing in the top five to 10 in his 45-50-year-old age group.

Which of course requires dedicated overtraining:

At least three mornings a week, Mr. Nicholas is in his basement by 5 a.m. riding on his trainer, a piece of equipment that makes it possible to ride a bike while it remains stationary. He rides for an hour while watching financial news. Two days a week, he takes an hourlong spin class at the gym during his lunch break. On Saturdays, he rides his mountain bike on the trails by his home for about two hours. On Sundays, he rides his road bike for three hours, covering between 50 to 60 miles.

And then you've got the expenses:

Mr. Nicholas owns three bikes, which he has augmented with add-ons like a Garmin 500 bike computer and racing wheels. Including the extras, his Scott Addict R3 road bike cost $6,000; the Cervélo P2C time trial bike cost $5,000; and his BMC mountain bike cost $3,000. His CycleOps Fluid 2 trainer cost about $300. Mr. Nicholas spent $250 on each of his two helmets—one is more aerodynamic for time trial racing. Road bike shoes cost $350 and mountain bike shoes $200. Jerseys run about $150 a piece, bib shorts are about $200 each and winter tights cost $250 each. Mr. Nicholas spent $300 on his winter biking jacket. Race fees are usually around $30.

But while all of this may sound like a lot of time and money, it all adds up to results:

(Pal-meh-rès)

At this rate he'll get that automatic Cat 4 upgrade in about two more years.

Of course, you could always just ride and even race your bike without worrying about all that "training" stuff, but then how could you be sure that your ride actually happened? At the very least, you need GPS data, wattage data, and video evidence, as in this photograph via the Twitter:

I lust after that water bottle cage. If I do Bill Me Later, I can save ten bucks! That'll help offset the customs duties, which aren't included.

I wondered what sort of exotic materials it is made out of: nylon. Also, apparently it's made in HR. I always wondered what they did all day in Personnel. Here I thought they were monitoring me fucking off reading BikeSnob!

Assuming that Mr. Nicholas works on K st. In DC with the rest of the lobbyists, his commute by bicycle would be about 16 miles each way.

The article doesn't exactly say if he commutes by bicycle or not, but I'm assuming since it doesn't that he probably drives that giant SUV in his driveway to work.

So instead of getting in about 150 base miles a week and getting to and from work all at the same time, he chooses to get up earlier than the average dairy farmer for the privilege of riding in his cellar like a gerbil on a wheel. And he does that on his time trial bike.

That water bottle cage is labeled incorrectly. It's not a bottle cage at all, it's a Mario Cipolinni Signature Edition Top Tube Mounted Junk Containment Unit. And yes it is worth every penny. They also make a stainless model that is $10,983.98. No corrosion that way.

I had the same initial thought as @mikeweb, but I think it is some sort of Fred law that miles spent actually getting to a concrete destination are by definition "junk miles." What would his race bros think if they checked his Garmin Connect stats and saw how much a few stoplights and panniers can slow down his average speed!?

Sure they're heavier than the road tires your using now, and they won't perform as well, but we've found knobbies to be quite effective off-road and are excited about the possibilities of their application in the road racing environment.

@MikeWeb - You left out one crucial part about this: There is a network of dedicated and paved bike trails from the center of Vienna to DC and you can do nearly the entire ride without riding on the roads. It's about 18.5 miles from my Vienna home to my job in NW DC and it takes about an hour and change. On dark winter nights, I bring my bike home on the Metro. I've had my bike on the trainer once this winter. Because trainers are hateful.

The WSJ teaser on the front page actually labled that Fred as a ''winter warrior''. Cuz he cycled all winter long. When I found out his riding was mostly indoor I knew snobby would be able to lambast this guy. And the prices of those bikes! Yikes I spent less then a grand on mine and keep up with all the studs in the local rides. Save your money folks.

When I see someone out on a winter training ride wearing bib shorts (Rapha's pro-team's, no less; I didn't know they had a Cat 5 program too), arm warmers, and a short-sleeve jersey, for some reason I don't really think that makes him especially dedicated or a winter warrior or whatever.

...checked out a buncha fotos from the tapei bike show & ernesto's disc-braked c-59 italia doesn't look bad for a molded plastic road bike but after spending 2 days looking at beautiful handbuilt wonders up in sac-of-excremento, that colnago ain't got nearly the panache...

2. Saw NJ driver back into road bikes twice while attempting to parallel park in front of Piermont scone purveyor on Sunday. No bikes got hurt, but driver made sure to check her bumper to see if it got scratched.

3. Followed herd of Razor Scooters spread across Westside Highway Bike path and knocking down the pedestrian crossing signs. Kind of like gymkana.

4. Got dropped by young lady in gingham dress with small dog named Toto in handlebar basket. Okay, made that last one up. But it could have happened.

I saw a bicycle cop writing a ticket to a female cyclist this a.m. on 6th ave across from Macy's. I assume she went through a red, and probably barged through a crosswalk full of rush hour pedestrians in the process. They were both taking up most of the bike lane where they were stopped, so I had to take a peek and scoot to the right to get around. She was whining loudly in a high pitched voice.

If the cops want to enforce a 'pedestrian buzzing' standard to ticket writing, so be it. At least it's enforcement that's targeted to actual unsafe behavior instead of the B.S. that happened last year.

Ya'll's town seems pretty neat. I watched SUPER CITY: NEW YORK on the learning channel and then I caught the documentary by Nelson George titled Brooklyn Boheme which was also very cool. Turns out Snob has been complaining about gentrification and he is not even black.

I think we're stretching the boundaries of Fred-dom here. He has decent cycling style, and actually uses his expensive equipment and trains a lot. If his racing results aren't there does that automatically make him a Fred? I think not. However, he is definitely a DOUCHEBAG.

dude is in the second full cycle (it didnt sell in the first round) of trying to sell a carbon "merckx" seatpost for $600... it's just re-labelled selcof worth prob $30 without the Merkins lettering on the side....

Apparently he has caught shit for it, giving the wording of the ad, and I quote: " THIS PRICE WILL NEVER COME DOWN--THESE POSTS ARE EXTREMELY RARE IN THIS CONDITION, AND IF YOU WANT THE EDDY MERCKX NAME ON THE POST TO MATCH YOUR FRAME, THEN MAKE THE INVESTMENT--THIS PRICE WON'T CHANGE. PLEASE DON'T SEND INSULTING COMMENTS ABOUT THE PRICE--GOD FORBID I SHOULD ACTUALLY MAKE SOME MONEY FROM A SALE.

Seems a tad defensive for a jackass trying to make $550 off a seatpost... anyway, here tiz:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/EDDY-MERCKX-CARBON-FIBER-SEATPOST-FOR-AXM-TYPE-FRAMES-/250968669430?pt=Cycling_Parts_Accessories&hash=item3a6ee5fcf6#ht_500wt_1156dude is in the second full cylcle of trying to sell a carbon "merckx" seatpost for $600

Give the guy a break. He is obviously enjoying himself, and not trying to impose his choices on anyone. So he's rich and spends a lot of his money on bike stuff. Better than coke. That fact that he keeps at it with results like his means he's in it for the fun.

Okay, 36+ hours and no one's called you on it. Disc "breaks"? I was looking for the misspelling in the article. Nope; spelled correctly. My brain is trying to pretend it remembers some obscure Colnago/Break collabo article. I dunno.

considered what kind of unique components it is created out of: plastic. Also, seemingly it's created in HR. I always considered what they did all day in Employees. Here I thought they were tracking me banging off examining BikeSnob!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!