The Tomato

U of O hot dog guy under the microscope after Subway chicken scandal

People are starting to wonder how the sausage is made. Photo: Justin Labelle.

Some fear there might be disgusting things lurking in his sausages

Canadians’ faith in their Subway sandwiches has been rocked to its core over allegations that the restaurant’s chicken is actually only 50 per cent fowl (though how foul is still up for debate). In yet another blow to students’ faith in culinary excellence, industry watchdogs are shifting their scrutiny towards the University of Ottawa campus—right at the hot dog guy.

“I was shocked that the paragon of food preparation, Subway, had chicken that wasn’t up to snuff,” said Jake Thompson, a first-year law student at the U of O. “If it turns out that the guy who sells hot dogs out of a cart isn’t legit, I really won’t know who to trust anymore.”

“Honestly, these revelations don’t shock me,” said Evelyn Benford, a third-year biology student. “Ever since I learned that there’s no real fruit in Skittles I knew the whole system was based on a lie.”

When faced with the prospect of learning what was in their hot dogs, some students simply covered their ears and ran away.

Other students are trying to prepare themselves for this strange new world.

“All this controversy over meat is making me want to go vegan,” said Stephen Smith. He then burst out laughing.“I’m just kidding.”

When questioned by the Tomato, the hot dog guy expressed clear shock at the allegations coming his way.

“These allegations are just preposterous,” said hot dog guy. “I keep a low profile, but my cart is actually certified as a Michelin three-star restaurant, so I would never allow anything like this to happen.”

“This is just the university’s dining hall trying to sink the competition,” he continued. “Their crusty pizza could never compete with my meat.”

To help the hot dog guy through these tough times, students at the U of O are thinking of starting another GoFundMe campaign for him.

“I can’t think of a better cause for us to raise money for, can you?” said Ben Wallace, a first-year history student.

Some people were concerned about the legitimacy of the investigation after one food inspector was spotted with dots of ketchup and mustard on his face, while his partner was discovered with dollops of relish on his tie. Both vigorously denied any connection, swearing that they went to McDonalds after a hankering for Filet-O-Fish.

In the end, their investigation concluded that the hot dog guy’s products actually contain fat, gristle, offal, feet, blood, and liver—passing the inspection with flying colours.

“What a relief!” cried Smith. “I thought they were going to find tofu in there.”

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