The Schooner Hates You, America

It's Fourth of July Eve, the 12th-most popular eve of them all. It's also gorgeous outside, which means your favorite watering hole has broken out the patio furniture and the most deliberately gaudy piece of glassware: the schooner. I despise this awful drink innovation. This bloated goblet has ruined the starts of numerous drinking excursions just by its inherent pain-in-the-ass-ness. Let me name for you the reasons why I hate this vessel so.

It. Is. HEAVY. Easily the most obvious flaw with the schooner is its heft. It's not even jewel-encrusted, or solid, manly pewter. It's glass. Whoever invented it clearly didn't realize that the last thing anyone wants to do while drinking a beer is test the durability of hisr rotator cuff. The weight of the schooner reminds me of that one person you know who says "Oh yeah, you know I've been working out lately, been doing some 12 ounce curls." The lode also encourages nursing your beer as a nice, long chug isn't quite so easy when your forearms are quivering. Yes, forearms, plural.

It's Frosted. This particular trait does not always occur, but when it does, it cranks the idiocy of this drinking device up a billionfold. First off, let me don my beer geek pretzel necklace and say most beer isn't brewed with the intent of being served at synapse-chilling temperatures, no matter what some color-changing mountain tells you. Second, who even wants to hold a cold glass? Look, I get the nice feeling that comes with having a cold drink in your hand, but does it need to have icicles forming along it like a road map of ice mummy's vascular structure? You don't see coffee shops handing out lattes saying "We know you wanted your coffee to stay hotter, so we went ahead and preheated the mugs in a blast furnace."

The Beer Doesn't Stay Any Colder. As I'm typing this out, I'm planning a follow-up science experiment post wherein I will demonstrate the long-term coolness retention of different glass type just to see if I'm right. Here's a taste of the hypothesis for you though. Do you remember when you were a kid and you wanted to torture ants on the sidewalk? What was the best was to ensure their slow, fiery demise? That's right, that thick, heavy, curved piece of glass that looks to me like a not-too-distant cousin to Mr. Schooner.

So have a happy and safe Independence Day out there folks. Just remember, friends don't let friends drink from schooners. They move to another town, find new friends and burn any and all reminders of their schooner-guzzling former friend.

You flaccid candyass. One of the best things about drinking schooners of glacier cold beer is that condensation drips on my "FUCK YEAH I'M FROM TEXAS!" t-shirt. No doubt you'd get all bent out of shape if something so tragic occurred to your $150 flannel/ironic t-shirt ensemble.

Actually, preservation of temperature is based in part upon the ratio of the surface area to volume. The most efficient shape would be the sphere, and the schooner is a vessel that closely resembles the sphere.

@Joshisbackonthecopenhagen I'm with you. I love drinking cold ass beer out of a schooner. I am especially happy when the beer arrives and there is a small amount of beer slush on the surface of my cheap draft beer. We aren't talking craft beer where the serving temperature is important. We are talking draft beer that actually tastes better the colder it gets. And what other beer delivery system offers to two ways to drink out of it? You can grab it by the stem like a man that doesn't have time to fuck around or you can cup the glass in your palm and drink that light beer like a godamned king.