Wednesday, May 26, 2010

SGW: Hints from Planet You're Outta Your Damn Mind

Today's Special Guest Writer is Emma, whom some of you may remember from our now-infamous T-Box Taste Test. Emma, thank you for making us feel better about our abilities in the domestic arts. You're awesome, funny, gorgeous and have the figure of a poll dancer! So conversely, you make us feel a little dejected about the size of our asses but whatever... That's another post.
xo, Lydia and Kate
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I suspect many are, like me, in a constant state of war with the Laundry Fairy and losing badly. If I was into sports or military history I could insert an example of how outmatched I am and how long the losing streak has lasted - but I'm not, so I won't. It is considered a win in my house if from one Saturday to the next the boys' soccer uniforms are run through the wash and bonus points (in the form of chocolate or wine) are awarded (to me, obviously not the boys) if the uniforms are actually in their dresser drawers. There have been more than one Saturday when they have had to dress out of the hamper. If you think about it, this is not soo bad - they will be outdoors (spring air as air freshener) and running around (adding to the diffusion effect) so the stink should not be too obvious - or at least that is what I tell myself and the kids.

So knowing I operate at this level of functionality you will understand why I think aliens write into Hints from Heloise. Rough segue I know, but stay with me. Does anyone else read this column and is just gobsmacked? These can't be real humans actually residing on this planet. An example to prove my alien theory:

"To prevent the cuffs on the bottom of trousers from getting crimped up, I hold them in place by putting two large paper clips on them. I put two in the front and two in the back. I stretch seams gently before placing the garments in the dryer, and this helps reduce puckering."

"I shake items and untwist them before placing in the dryer. This not only reduces wrinkling, but it allows the items to dry a bit faster, and this saves energy."

And Heloise's reply: "Good hints, indeed, ... and a few favorites from Heloise Central: Toss pajamas in the dryer for a minute or two, and they'll get toasty-warm. Mark items that need special attention with a safety pin, to know which should be dried at a lower temperature or not at all."

Really, there is no room in my head for the concept that people actually have enough time and organization and concern to pull this off. It's like the Laundry Fairy has some type of dust these women inhaled. I wonder if there is an antidote? And then Heloise goes one better and offers the following tip:

Clean the lint filter. If the filter looks dirty — or once a year — scrub it with warm water and liquid dishwashing detergent. Then, unplug the dryer and vacuum around the base and inside the lint chute, duct, and vent opening.

I am happy if the crunchiness under the dining room table is vaccumed once a week and she is suggesting I vaccuum my dryer. Is she insane? Heloise also suggests I keep a prethreaded needle in the laundry room - but doesn't specifically explain why. I am sure she thought it was obvious and didn't need to be stated. But left to my own devices, I've decided it is for poking the Laundry Fairy in case he comes by with the dust. Now I suspect she is the Head Alien so I googled her and found this on Wikipedia. "Heloise (born Kiah Michelle Cruse on April 15, 1951 in Waco, Texas, current name Poncé Kiah Marchelle Heloise Cruse Evans)." Now if this is true,

She needs more space than the Census form allows; [Editor's Note: I hear ya sister. - Kate]

There has to be some really good stories behind these name changes;

She has more than one person in her head; or,

Possibly the Waco portion explains everything.

So in the interest of my health I have given up reading Heloise. It makes my head hurt. Literally, I either bang it on the table or slap my forehead after reading the "gems" and then mentally it hurts as I try to imagine a life where these tips are utilized. I just can't do it. If you have time to paperclip your pant hems and tackle puckering - that is time that would be much better utilized reading in my world.

And yes my world is a bit stinky and crunchy and powered by chocolate and wine. Peace out!