Thursday, 29 January 2015

Treasuring Slow When Life Speeds Up

My heart is aching right now.

It's funny. It seems when life settles into a 'Treasuring Slow' groove, stuff happens.

I am so thankful to treasure slow. The tears are streaming down my face. I am.

The beautiful, joyful and incredible miracle of pregnancy has come to our little family again. I'm just about twelve weeks pregnant with our little number 3. I've seen my beautiful baby multiple times now, through the black and white ultrasound screen. It's so beautiful. So precious. So little. And so mine. Thrivingly healthy and active and developing perfectly.

But since nine-ten weeks, two days after I last shared with you, all has not been well. Life swirled up into a whirlwind again. People, coming and going, busyness and disorganisation.

I've been faced with hard. There's a blood clot between baby's sac and the uterus wall caused by an 'unknown cause bleed'. Apparently that can be a common thing. And that often times when this happens, pregnancy carries through okay. The risk is, if the clot gets bigger, and continues to push its way through and separate baby's sac from its connection to the uterus wall where it gets all of its nutrients, baby won't make it. There's no known cause, no known outcome, and there's nothing anyone can do.

I have to take it easy. But even then, they don't know if that helps it heal or not.

And so far, each week when I've had a scan. That horrible clot has been growing quite rapidly. I've been advised that hopefully, it will settle down.

The fear and anxiety of a mother squeezes my heart. The fear of the unknown petrifies and chills my soul.

But I have to rest in the arms of my Father in Heaven. And trust that He wants the best for me.

It feels like a choking feeling. And yet each time I look at my two beautiful baby girls I am able to hold everyday. I am reminded how blessed I am. And how I truly need to treasure slow. To treasure my family, to treasure the moments. I am reminded how fragile and innocent life can be. And I'm starting to get a faint little glimpse of what it means to have faith.

I have been so blessed to see, through a black and white screen, my beautiful little baby growing so actively and happily inside of me several times now. And that is just precious. And I am holding tightly to the little moments of joy. And pushing away the fears that at times threaten to overwhelm me.

I don't know what the outcome will be. I just really needed to share with you. I don't know the hard stuff you're going through, or may have been through. But I find comfort in knowing that I can share my journey with you, and hopefully, someone understands.

I'm finding that it's easy to dwell on what might happen. And not so easy to relish and hold tight to trust, love, and beauty. But that is what I'm going to endeavour to do. And make each moment beautiful. For myself, for my family and for my unborn baby. Treasuring slow. Finding beauty in every moment and every memory. Even when it kind of feels like I'm sitting in a steam train looking out the window and watching life blur on by, I'm going to enjoy the feelings, the people I'm sharing the journey with, and the little moments experienced along the way.