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Monday, March 7, 2011

a few days ago

it's about how I itch how badly i itch how I take boiling hot showers to soothe the skin that erupts and slather it with salve and cut my nails all the way down so I don't tear my flesh off how there are red streaks covering me from head to toe, starting to creep up my chin now, like it did that other time, and I had it on my feet then, too, so painful. and on my face, and I was writing down what I was eating, and then it all just equalized and things had started to get better, were moving forward, but then I moved here, and fell flat again. not completely flat, I was at Soons for 2 years, that was a good stint, and here, I'll be successful, I feel it in my bones, though it's gonna be like giving birth again, but it's a different kind of pain. all that digging into the Old Words the ones from long ago, it fucked me all up, made me go back to places and process things and to see that every now and again I was really out of my head, and live it again, and get all twisted sideways with the things it brought out of my past, and the things I had to live with and get past. and there was so much pain. so much actual physical pain that it crippled me, and I felt it bind me up, wrap itself around and through the very fibers of muscle into the tissue, and poison me from the inside. and my issues tend to erupt on my skin my lovely skin smooth and clear, though I haven't taken proper care, and I should love my skin for the ways it loves me - my thick skin. like elephant hide and quick to heal soft and smooth firm longs for the sting of a slap or some candle wax- the boiling showers - don't even get me started on my hair and eyes...and I scratch and i scratch and i feel sometimes like a cutter because i'm damaging myself but it goes right along with the screaming in my ears, and the stress levels I didn't get really sick this winter (acknowledging the fact that I'm superstitious) which feels really good, and taking a more active stance towards my health, by getting on D, fish oil and probiotics. then i went with the herbal cleanse, and by god if I'm not crawling with toxins my body is mass-flushing through my pores and it itches like mother fuck but I know it's going to suck for a limited period of time and my ear is swollen where my cell phone lives, which is interesting, and as i type this the hives are working up my right cheek and onto my eye...so rather than scratch and further tear away at it i'll go take a boiling hot shower and abuse myself that way, and probably itch in the shower for good measure and i wish i had a bruise to be proud of from a good spanking rather than bruises from scratching I just need to sweat this shit out with lots of water -boiling shower - half my body weight in ounces each day, and sweat, and all will be well. raise that D and get my poor sore ankle off the critical list right now I'm so strung out i can't even wear shoes it's hurts so bad and I don't want to put on clothes because my skin is crawling i got stinging nettles because it's a histamine or some such, I'm no herbalist, a not-itch-thing but I haven't taken it yet because i need to go slowly with all of this, like all that shit i dredged up out of the past was to find out how deep i was hurt so i knew how far i had to go and it turned out to be all the way. its a dangerous road but i think im making it and I need to keep in mind that it may get even still worse a bit before it gets better because the cleanse is 30 days, & the D gets looked at again in 12 weeks. bad D. way down D, like 9, on a scale of what , I think in the hundreds? skin eruptions stress lifestyle change dumping all the shit that's been dumped on me, and not taking on any more end of story time to run screaming for the hills but i should be good after that on my way a one month mark and a three month mark tsa random street sweep searches gas prices middle east blowing up we sit on our asses and are intimidated out of traveling of leaving our homes ready for the jack boot regime inviting them in to crush our children's spines ohm madness sitting on a lotus feeling groovy being at peace with the all one growing organic veggies saved from heirloom varieties clean food and water and air and earth clean living clean soul clear mind clear heart invite it in sweat it out drink water boiling shower ohm to the temple respect i apologize, you deserve better I deserve better the Ariadne and Dionysus write that story the porn get up get on up like a sex machine don't even get me started on sex i'm so desperate, drink water boiling shower...

"And so it is that we, as (people), do not exist until we do; and then it is that we play with our world of existent things, and order and disorder them, and so it shall be that Non-existence shall take us back from Existence, and that nameless Spirituality shall return to Void, like a tired child home from a very wild circus."