Thursday, June 21, 2012

Its June.....
The month that I waited for 9 months to see my daughter.
June
The month that I said goodbye to my daughter.
Its been a weird month. I remember last year "nesting"
organized every closest, cleaned every square inch of my house
Organized IzzyJanes room, Cleaned and folded her clothes
Talking to her, telling her to come out.
I was ready for her and wanting her so bad.
She did come out and I had to walk out of the hospital empty handed

now its June... again.
I still am ready for her and wanting her so bad!
who have I become, because this has happened is one thing
but who i wanted to be is another thing. a mom
I have learned, grown, compassionate, caring
but i am also bitter, confused, lost
all without my daughter. Its a weird place to be in.
I can't believe its been a year.
I should have the cutest one year old little girl,
I love toddlers
I love teaching them about this crazy world
I love learning from them, watching them watch us.They are so innocent and unconditionally loving.
I love Laughing, Exploring, Growing with children.
Instead I have had to learn how to live again without all these joyful moments, enjoy what I do have.
Love my family, Love my husband
Love my freedom of going on trips whenever wherever.
Love sleeping in.
But i could have still loved these things having a beautiful daughter to be on my hip giving big kisses too, and teaching her how to say mom and dad!

1 years old and it honestly hurts like it was yesterday.

Now having her brother in my belly, I can feel him. He can here me. I tell him everyday, please don't leave me! I get so nervous that I'll wake up and not feel him move. It haunts me.

I wish I could go back to that innocent pregnant girl.
Instead I cherish every moment I have with him.
I love to play up my belly and show him off, I love to talk to him, I love feeling him, I love him!
Instead of looking forward too seeing him, i just am with him in every moment I have with him.
He is here, he is kicking me, he is growing, he is alive!
I love this little man! (he really is kicking me good right now, cause he is breeched and so i feel every kick in my blatter hahaha)

I'm excited to celebrate IzzyJanes first birthday! I purchased 36 live butterflies to be released at the party. I know she will love it from above. What we have done because of her is a beautiful thing, I love it and it also breaks my heart. I know she is proud and misses us as much as we miss her.

3 comments:

Molls that was beautiful, I love you! Can't believe it has been a year, wow how time flies. Everything you and Danny are doing is amazing and it just shows how wonderful the two of you are. Wish I could be there for IzzyJane's fundraiser! I 'Give a Quack!'

You amaze me with all you are doing to keep Izzy present in your life. I can't believe a year is here already. Your love for her is so evident in all you do. Hold tight to her little brother as he grows strong within. Thinking of you and sending love. Missing your Izzy with you.

It's amazing how fast time goes. I wish I could honestly say it gets easier with time and with more children, but it doesn't. Izzy's story is an inspiration to everyone. Happy first angel day IzzyJane, can't wait to celebrate you today!

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