Every mom can nurse her baby!

From the cloister of the Augustinian Abbey in Adare. I’m continuing the Ireland pictures…

When I was born in 1960 my mother nursed me. Yes, she breast-fed me, but she also carried me, cooed at me, held me in her lap while she read…and when she wasn’t holding me, she laid me on a blanket on the beach or put me in the pram under a leafy tree, where, one day, the goat that lived on the farm my parents were renting was found with his hoofs on either side of my head, using the carriage to get a purchase on the higher branches!

Despite all the loss of memory that came afterward — both personal and in the world — I kept this way of raising babies tucked in my heart. She would tell me about when I was little — the goat story was a favorite for conveying both the shock of the terrible unforeseen risk and the laughing confidence that everything would turn out fine, as, obviously, it did — and of course there are pictures, too.

But…do I remember looking up at those green-black leaves rustling with the sunshine behind them? It seems unlikely, because I was so young. And yet…

Why are kids okay with going up there?

Preparing for my own children, of course I read many books — I’m a reader (just like Mom?) and reading is what I do to get ready. Over the years, I have noted a change in the type of advice a mother gets.

Why do we always think the past was far worse than the present? Devious tendency! You should know that back then, it became common knowledge that a baby suffered the worst kind of failure to thrive, not from lack of nutrition necessarily, but from a lack of loving contact. Certain studies were invoked involving deprived monkeys and poor orphans whose physical needs were met, but whose skin was never touched more than absolutely necessary; whose eyes were never met with a sweet gaze. It was in the late 50s that the bottle-feeding of the previous couple of decades began to be rejected.

And of course, before bottle feeding, every baby was breastfed! Bottles were invented for those few poor infants who, lacking a wet-nurse in an emergency, would otherwise be given bread mushed with cow’s milk. Bottles were a scientific response to a problem, not a replacement for a natural process. Ever since their invention, public health officials have known that disease follows their widespread use.

But today’s officials have to reconcile the implacable drive to get women back, unfettered, to the status quo ante (whether work or slim figure or both) with the indisputable benefits of nursing. So they have reduced breast feeding to nutrition, pure and simple. No one talks any more about skin-to-skin contact or emotional attachment. Or they talk, but it’s asking too much to insist.

Today, we have lost common sense: babies are imprisoned in their car seats, going from vehicle to stroller to swing to crib, never allowed to be in any position other than on their back, suffering from “bucket syndrome” — compressed brains and flattened heads — and fed as if the only thing that matters is getting a certain amount of nutrients into their bodies. One gets the impression that if this could be done more efficiently than the bottle — by IV, perhaps — it would be.

I’m dismayed even by the advice given on supposedly pro-breastfeeding sites and in books that offer “natural” encouragement.

So here’s my two cents, what I would tell you if we were sitting at the kitchen table together:

Virtually every mom can nurse her babies! With the proper patience and encouragement, everyone can! It’s how God designed the system!

I think this is Desmond Castle, as seen across the River Maigue in Adare.

No matter what, the most important thing is that the new baby be held and loved.

Some professionals might give you the idea that while you might need to hold a baby to feed it, for the most part it’s better if the baby is lying (on its back) in some safe receptacle. Nurses hurry the baby away, and they certainly don’t like the idea that a sleeping baby is somewhere other than the bassinet.

You have to know that it’s vital for the baby and it’s vital for your development as a mother, that you spend a lot of time holding your baby, whether to feed it or simply to enjoy the feeling of that tiny body in your arms.

Fathers too need to hold babies, and a secret is that a fussy baby often only settles down when he hears that deep voice and feels those strong arms.

As much as I think it’s the perfect way to feed a baby in every possible respect, without hesitation I would say to you that it’s better to bottle feed a baby you’re cuddling in your arms than to coldly breast-feed as a repugnant duty, or even to offer breast milk in a bottle that you prop, never giving the warmth of your body and spirit to your little one.

An adopted child or the child of someone who’s ill can absorb love even if bottle fed, and survive formula better than the baby of a distant mom who thinks only of the kinds of proteins and fats in the milk from her body.

An abandoned train station — everyone had to weigh themselves, of course.

Babies are designed by the good God to be able to wait for their mothers to recover from their birth and get their milk going. They can wait for days.

In order for the milk to come, you have to have time and patience. You will likely feel awkward — who wouldn’t be? You’re on the spot, asking experts, professionals, to please give you the baby, the baby they are so competently handling; exposing private parts of your body; and then having to coax this sleepy little stranger to do something he’s never done either!

Don’t be afraid! Embrace the awkwardness! Ask your husband beforehand to maneuver his own body so that you have some privacy. Ask him to help you to become what you want to be, but, such is our vulnerability, might not, at the moment, be able to insist on.

Even if the baby shows no signs of wanting to nurse (imagine! the baby can’t stay awake after a little thing like getting born!), keep his tender new skin against yours, covering both of you with a light blanket. (Beforehand, see if you can work it out that the powers that be do all their fussing –weighing, measuring, and whatever else — a little later. See if you can sign something waiving the terrible eye drops.)

Give yourself room. Give yourself time. When he wakes up, try again. Even a little sucking or a little funny activity that might or might not be latching on will start up the milk production. The more he tries, the more you will have, but not for a while.

It’s not like putting in an order at McDonald’s, you know. It’s a delicate system, part chemical, part physical, and part emotional, and at first it takes days to get into gear.

You need time.

Spanish Point in Co. Clare.

What’s wonderful is that giving yourself the mental space to learn to do this is the first step on the journey of motherhood, which is a lifelong exercise in patiently nurturing the development of this other person, in lovingly exerting effort now for future rewards, in accepting the work of the present to prepare the banquet for later.

Don’t give up on this first challenge too easily; it has great implications for every other step of the way.

I talked before about our culture of freaking out. It’s not only girls who freak out. It’s people who have studied all this, supposedly, but who have no faith in it. They want instant results and woe to the poor girl who, never even having seen this done, most likely, has to stand up to them.

Of course! All these things happen to everyone. Why are we getting upset about these things?

At the beach a little further down the coast.

Remember that anything physical seems clumsy at first. Everything has a learning curve.

Remember learning to ride a bike? At least you get to lie down for this!

And that brings me to another point. For some reason it’s important to the experts that you sit up to nurse a baby, and yet sitting up is sometimes not an option at first.

I’m here to tell you that you can nurse him lying down. What are the buttons on the bed for, anyway?Even when you sit up you should be relaxed and comfortable. Prop your arm with a pillow. Cuddle your baby close. Don’t care at first what he does — get to know him! Smell his sweet head, stroke his tiny arm, kiss his little fingers, and before you know it, you’ll be on your way.

The real concern at the hospital is that you will fall asleep, because what’s worrying everyone is a potential lawsuit. So just tell them to back off. Heck, I’ve changed diapers lying down. You can do what you want!

I think that some women today have come through up until now without ever being solely responsible for anything. Even assignments at school are given in groups. Nothing ever completely depends on you.

It’s tempting (and nurses in particular seem quite taken with the idea) to think that if you bottle feed, your husband will have to share the “chore” with you, particularly getting up at night. Sort of a group assignment.

Resist this line of thinking. Breastfeeding is the right thing to do, and whatever issues you ever had with taking responsibility will be resolved when you live up to this challenge.

Even if you have to use the bottle, a) the poor man needs to sleep so he can go to work and earn some money so that you can be free to stay home and be the master of your little universe, because yes, proper nurturing (see above) is not going to happen if you go back to the office, and b) baby wants mommy, not daddy, at 2 am. He might get his chance later if the issue is the quest for a good burp, but for feeding, no, it’s all you.

If you embrace your fate, running to meet it with joy, you will be rewarded with your cup overflowing. If you trust your body and summon up a little patience with it, you will have a happy, contented, responsive baby. Things won’t be perfect, they never are. But they will be as they should be!

When the sun comes out it’s glorious.

{I’m disabling comments for this post because I think you can go elsewhere to read about how someone just couldn’t nurse a baby, or the baby wouldn’t nurse. There are physical conditions that I’m not qualified to address (and sometimes even doctors miss, which just makes me mad, because they are fine with being impatient with you, but don’t know their own job) (don’t email me about great doctors and nurses, I know they’re out there — I’m just mad at all of them right now).

It’s important to me that this message — that virtually all mothers can nurse their babies — is uttered without qualification. Of course, as always, you can email me at leilamarielawler at gmail dot com}

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