Category Archives: Conscious Living

This is a voice from my childhood, a voice that reminded me that I was too big, too sensitive, too outspoken, and too bright. The voice that put me in my place and taught me to play it small, stay in the shadows, and constantly prove my worth.

This is the voice I hear in my head now whenever I attempt to stretch my boundaries. Whether it be to accomplish my dreams or allow myself to rest, I hear myself wondering just who do I think I am.

We all have these voices inside of us, these messages that we received when we were little and internalized in only the way a child can. We gave these messages meaning, created stories and beliefs around them, and constructed our life choices from this place. As children, these were survival strategies that got us through whatever childhood challenges we faced. Survival strategies are a brilliant and intelligent way that we as human beings navigate the world. They work wonders, until they don’t. Eventually, as we feel the pull to grow and evolve, these strategies no longer work. Rather than helping us to navigate successfully through our lives, they become the source of breakdowns and pain. What once was effective is now something to be transformed.

As I sit in an attempt to stretch my boundaries of self-care and self-allowance, I am faced with my own internal strategy of performing and doing as a way to earn my worth and enough-ness in this world. What my soul needs right now is to rest and to be in a state of nothing-ness. To give myself the freedom to just be, as is, just me. What I must dance with is the extreme discomfort and tugging of that part of me that needs to keep moving and doing. The part of me that struggles to see that she is enough and her worth is her divine right. The part of me that has nothing to prove. The part of me that has kept me in constant motion, sometimes at super hero speed, to be and do everything.

And so now comes the work. The part where we must sit in the discomfort and welcome in all of the painful and uncomfortable feelings we work so hard to silence and keep away. To hold ourselves with love and acceptance, allowing the pain to arise and the feelings to be seen and expressed. To stay with this part of ourselves, for as long as it takes, as she grieves, heals, and moves forward. To have the courage to dive in and do this dance that will eventually set us free and connect us to the deeper truth and knowing.

Who do you think you are?

This voice of my childhood that has influenced my choices in staying in the shadows and playing small. This voice that has prevented me from choosing to rest and just be. This voice that was once painful and something I pushed away.

Well now… now it is a powerful voice that I welcome.

Who do I think I am??

I am Worthy!

I am Enough!

And as I sit in the vast space of nothing, I realize that I am everything.

For as long as I can remember, I have had this part of me that wants to change the world. I can remember being a very young child, loving so deeply and feeling the pain of the world on my shoulders and in my heart. I would cry about the unfairness faced by certain people and the mistreatment of others. I couldn’t understand why those around me didn’t seem to be as outraged and heartbroken as I was. Was there something wrong with me? Did I not really understand what it meant to love?

Over time, I started to believe there absolutely was something wrong with me. I was told that I was too sensitive, had too many standards, and needed to lighten up. It seemed as though everyone around me was going with the flow and taking life as it was, so why couldn’t I? Why did I always have to be the one that felt uncomfortable when someone said something I found offensive, yet made others laugh? Since I was the odd one out, I believed it was me and I gave up the fight.

A part of me went to sleep, shut down, closed off. I was tired of feeling alone in the world and carrying so much pain. I wanted to let go and be free, just like everyone else seemed to be. I tuned out and chose to walk blindly and lightly through life. And for a while, this felt pretty darn good. Life became simple and fun, and I lived in a self-created bubble.

In each and every moment we have power over how we choose to show up, how we choose to respond, and how we choose to generate our future. We are co-creators of our experiences and what we are seeing in our outer world is actually a reflection of what is happening within us. We might not realize it, but we are absolutely more powerful than we allow ourselves to believe.

There are many beautiful quotes and sayings about this idea from some of the most wise and influential thought leaders. Here are just a few of my favorites….

“Remember that your perception of the world is a reflection of your state of consciousness” – Eckhart Tolle

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – David Thoreau

“The world that we perceive is a reflection of our own states of mind and reveals our own level of consciousness.” – Prem Prakash

“The world exists as you perceive it. It is not what you see, but how you see it. It’s not what you hear, but how you hear it. It’s not what you feel, but how you feel it.” – Rumi

It can be easy to read these beautiful and powerful words and feel this deep sense of connection and inspiration, almost like these thoughts are being spoken directly to our souls. We can experience these as “a-ha moments” and feel as though our whole world has suddenly shifted, vowing to be different from that moment on.

Each and every moment of each and every day, you are making a decision. Whether or not you are conscious of these decisions and being thoughtful about the process, the fact remains, you are in a constant state of decision making, sorting through choices, and sifting through possibilities.

My experience has been that most of us go through our lives forgetting this fact. We trick ourselves into believing that we have no choice at all and therefore, no way of altering situations in our life. We travel through our days without even considering the endless possibilities that lie in front of us, hypnotized by the path we have walked thus far and our beliefs about what it all might mean.

So, what if we opened ourselves up to the idea that we not only have the ability to choose, but we also possess the power to do so? What if every single step you took was impressed with intention, consciously put forward by the deepest part of your soul. What if life happened FOR you, the universe laying at your feet the road you are meant to travel. What might this shift in perception mean for you?

I think sometimes we avoid claiming our power to choose out of fear of making bad choices. Afraid of going down the wrong path, we instead remain on the undesired path simply by default. We become a victim of circumstances, believing things are beyond our control.

Well, this is, in fact, a choice. A choice to walk blindly, a choice to forfeit our power, a choice to remain on the path of least resistance.

Let’s face it, the bad stuff just doesn’t really feel good at all. It is not appealing to think about facing those feelings that seek to cause you discomfort and heartache. Face those thoughts that dredge up old memories. Look at those deep dark places within you that threaten to expose your most vulnerable parts. The bad stuff starts to surface and the instinct that rises to the surface is to run and find a way to make those feelings go away.

There are so many things we do to run away. There is denial, destruction, avoidance, over-indulgence, and even depression. We find whatever ways we can, whether consciously or not, to avoid having to feel all that bad crap and keep ourselves moving forward.

What makes this worse these days, is the focus on thinking positive. We have gotten to this place where everyone seems to have the same answer for anyone’s problems…”Just think positive.” It’s almost a sign of weakness or something if you make an attempt to go into the yucky stuff that may be surfacing. And yes, focus and mindset are a major component in succeeding at any goal and a big part of what I teach all of my clients.

So that begs the question of what you are supposed to do when the inevitable moments of feeling the bad stuff come up. Can you just positively think your way out of having to face them?

I have noticed that most people associate the act of seeking out a coach, mentor, therapist, or counselor with times of being in crisis. The idea of seeing someone doesn’t even occur to most until there is an experience of pain and discomfort, a struggle to find their way through a challenge or catastrophe. I notice this when parents question whether or not to place their children in therapy or counseling, worrying that this may somehow be a negative experience in their life. Or when couples wait until they are no longer speaking or not having sex to begin counseling. While times of crisis are absolutely important times to seek out help, I have always viewed the helping field in a very different way.

Making the choice to work with a coach, mentor, therapist, or counselor (let’s refer to this as seeing someone), is making the choice to empower yourself in a way that alters your life moving forward. It is a gift of opportunity that allows you to heal, learn, and grow in ways that you are unable to do so on your own. When you can give yourself, or your loved ones, this opportunity PRIOR to a crisis, you are giving yourself/them the gift of preparation, a readiness to deal with whatever comes your way. Having tools and support prior to challenges and crisis allows you to navigate your way through life in a more empowered and effective way.

As I have gone through my life, I have ventured in and out working with therapist, counselors, mentors, and coaches. Each one has provided me with knowledge and tools, and each one has allowed me to understand myself in a different and deeper way. I have worked with someone in times of crisis, as well as times when all is good in my world, and each has provided a very different experience.

When working with someone while in crisis, the focus is usually on the issue at hand and therefore my thinking, perception, and openness have been less open. We often times get so caught up in the stress and pain of a problem that we are unable to see past through it. Our view becomes limited and therefore our ability to learn and to grow becomes compromised as well. Working with someone through a crisis is absolutely beneficial and there are times in my life that would have gone very differently had I not had the support and guidance of a mentor.

When working with someone while life is just flowing along, the work I have done has been much broader. It is during these times that my ability to explore within myself is much greater, and I am able to see the big picture in a clearer way. Being able to work on personal development while not in pain and/or stress was an opportunity for me to learn tools and practice implementing them in a safe and non-pressure way. And it is through having this experience that I have felt better equipped and more empowered to handle life’s challenges as they come my way.

I mean, you make the decision that you want to change, need to change, and then you just do it. You take the necessary steps, one right after the other until you reach your goal of change. There is nothing else to it… make the decision, take the steps, enjoy the benefits.

So then, what’s the problem??

Change is probably one of the absolute hardest things for most people to wrap their heads around. As humans, we seek out the comfort and stability of what we know, what we are used to. It makes us feel safe. It makes us feel secure. We prefer comfort and security so much over the unknown and change that most people will remain in the unhappiest of situations for way too long, possibly forever. The unhappiest of situations is somehow less frightening, less overwhelming, than the uncertainty of what’s ahead.

Overall, we would rather be miserable than face the unknown.

When you read this, are you shocked? Or does a part of you secretly relate to what I am saying, knowing on some level that it is true? I imagine you are being reminded of the promises you have made to eat healthy, the exercise routines you committed to in the past, the toxic relationships in your life that eat away at your soul. Some of you have probably been quitting your soul sucking job for years or leaving a loveless marriage for decades, yet you can’t seem to get further than a few Google searches and possibly a couple of conversations with friends. Each and every day, the act of staying where you are drains the life right out of you, your tradeoff for not having to move forward into a life of unknowns.

These are the terms I hear so many women use to describe how they feel after a divorce or break-up, even from those who were the ones to leave. There is shock around watching their significant other move on with their life in a quick and seemingly painless manner. There are endless thoughts about whether or not they ever really mattered, if they were ever really loved. There is question after question about how someone they believed in so much could simply abandon everything they had.

Abandoned…. Deserted…. Left behind….

When I hear these terms I feel something inside me stir. I have felt these feelings tear through me like a knife, endlessly ripping away at my heart, and wondering how I would ever mend the wounds that were created. These feelings ate away at me in a manner that I couldn’t seem to escape. I obsessed about it to the point of making myself sick, falling to my knees endless nights asking “Why?” “Why?”

The answers never seemed to come, no matter how many times I asked and no matter how hard I tried.

Your marriage has ended and now it is time for you to begin learning to live a new life, a life that seems foreign, and a life that you probably felt you have been plucked into without any warning. . Whether you have ended your marriage by choice or not, having to recalibrate and learn new ways of being will be a reality for all. There will be holidays, tasks and responsibilities, places, and people that will all seem new and unreal. You will be challenged and triggered along the way as you attempt to steady yourself along unsteady ground. You will feel scared and unsure as you begin to root yourself into this new way of being. You may cry out against the unfairness of it all as you struggle to learn new skills and create new memories.

I remember being in this place like it was yesterday. I remember feeling slighted by the deck of cards life seemed to have handed me. Learning to live my life completely on my own without someone there to run things by or pick up the slack was terrifying to me. I felt lost, I felt scared, and I felt pissed. Mixed in with that was my struggle to experience life on my own, a life that kept going on, day by day, even though it sure felt to me like life should just stop right in its tracks. Every holiday that came, every person I faced, and every place that I went served as a reminder to all that I had lost and the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

About 4 days after my Ex and I separated, I celebrated my 34th birthday. That painful night would mark the first of too many firsts that I would have to experience. Little did I know that hole in my chest, that feeling like something was missing, that sense of being off balance would pop up over and over throughout the next year.

Going through all of this was painful and scary, but along the way I learned and I grew. With each day that passed, I discovered tools, techniques, and wisdom that helped to empower me and make me stronger. I found a steadiness and truth that resided in my heart, and I know now, I would not have found this had I not gone through that challenging year of firsts.

And so today, I want to share what I learned so I can help you as you make your way through your year of firsts.

If you are anything like other women, you have at times been reprimanded for putting your wants and needs first, for setting boundaries, and for not going with the flow of what others wanted you to do. You may have been called selfish, spoiled or even a bitch. I can remember a time when I was called an ice queen and how completely embarrassed I was in that moment. It was with an interaction that changed me and made me question the way I behaved and the person I was.

I married young and at the time had terribly low self-esteem. I hadn’t really found myself yet and remember feeling as though I would probably never be able to find anyone better than my Ex. I would see that there were things I desired, callings of my heart and soul that were not being met in my relationship, but I immediately would feel like I was being ungrateful and selfish. I didn’t feel worthy of the type of man I imagined in my mind, and so I became afraid of losing what I had and did whatever it took to keep it.

As time went on, my desires and requests were looked upon as selfish and unrealistic. I felt guilty about wanting more and terrified to make any sort of demand for it. I would have moments of clarity knowing I was worthy of everything I desired but then would quickly talk myself out of it by reminding myself I needed to be grateful for what I did have. After all, who was I to think that I could have everything I wanted? That was just selfish thinking and it quickly brought me back to memories of being called spoiled as a child.

I kept myself small and worked as hard as I could just to be grateful and stop the ridiculous thoughts about wanting and needing more.

But eventually I couldn’t pretend any longer and that part of me that knew I was worthy got louder and clearer. So I began taking risks to put myself first and made my own wants and needs a priority. It was really hard at first and I doubted myself at every turn. I felt guilty, ashamed, and even pissed a couple of people off. I stuck with it though and eventually learned the difference between being self-centered vs. making myself a priority. I learned that being selfish was actually okay.

What does being selfish mean anyway?

Being selfish really means tending toward self. It means honoring your own path in such a way that it is sacred. From this space, you set boundaries, practice self-care, place your joy and happiness at the top of your list, do not self-sacrifice, and to own your self-worth. When you are selfish, tending toward self, you fill up with so much abundance that you are able to be of service to others in a much greater way. You cannot be of service to others when you come from lack and you are beyond powerful when you come from abundance. Over time I became more and more comfortable with prioritizing me and watched as I became more joyful and full of love than ever before.