Today I was struck with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and motivation. I actually began to get things done around the house. I wasn’t suddenly cleaning and organizing because I had to, but because I wanted to.

I wish I could harness that feeling. It left me all to soon. I got distracted trying to solve and organizational problem. In our super tiny living room, we need a better solution for how to store the TV, game systems, DVD’s, games, remotes and controllers. There is quite a lot of equipment to store in a small space. I wasn’t happy with the solutions we had available, mainly moving the dvd shelves (which I don’t really like in the first place) under the tv. We’re actually losing DVD storage space. This is being done so that (hopefully) my computer and chair will fit in there. It’s all so frustrating.

I browsed craigslist for a while hoping the perfect entertainment center would be there. When it wasn’t I started browsing dressers as I very likely could make a long dresser work if the drawers were the proper shape. I got frustrated though. And then I got distracted again…

By now I am sure you have figured out I have completely lost my focus and my drive. I now have a bunch of cleaning in the partially done state and I am frustrated that I haven’t gotten anything finished. (I also have a gnat flying around my face I keep missing that is driving me slightly insane)

Its funny how my struggles with weight loss follow almost these exact pattern lines. I get excited and motivated and start doing it all. Then something comes along to distract me. Sometimes it’s a zombie with an awesome naughty food treat trying to slow me down so they can chomp my brains. Sometimes it is that I am so enamored with the plan I have for losing the weight that I spend so much time massaging it and tweaking it and not enough time actually enacting it that I lose momentum. I love having a plan. In fact I really don’t function without one. So why is that I am so disorganized that I can’t seem to keep myself on track with anything.

So now I need to try and pull myself back together. I need to go hang the laundry out and for heavens sake put the laundry away that is already folded. Then there are things I really want to get done, but I won’t be comfortable working on them until everything is clean. I’m a bit anal like that. So I want to work on the blanket I am designing. I want to crochet more of my flower motifs. I want to practice making a Dorset button. I want to sketch a bit more before the necklace ideas leave my brain. But all of there things require me to be able to get into the creative mindset and sort of court my muse. My muse does not like clutter. She doesn’t like mess. She doesn’t like things screwing with the energy flow if she is around. I know how to please her. I just don’t like doing the chores.

Now… if my inner goddess would come out and tell me so precisely what she needs to be happy so I could really get the weight loss journey going, that would be really nice. I might not want to do the chores either, but at least then I would know how to placate her. She will NOT be pleased if I end up as some undead boogers brain burger.

Monday, April 25, 2011

George Bernard ShawYou see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

Ralph MarstonYour goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Lee IacoccaYou've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.

This past week has been amazing. One of my best friends in the world came to visit. He was the best man at my wedding and I haven’t seen him in EIGHT years. That is so long. I didn’t even realize how long it was until he was here again.

A few thoughts that tie in… The first is that I completely didn’t track points the entire time he was here. So I derailed for the week. I want to say that I feel badly about it. I don’t though. I haven’t seen him in eight years and the week was about DOING and BEING and LOVING.

Today however, is a new day. Today I am ready to get back in the saddle. I am ready to get back to my points and walking. For the record I tried to go walking today and it was just too hot. I gave myself a wicked headache walking from the house to the end of the driveway and I hid in the shade on the way there. I deemed it unsafe to walk in that heat and came back inside.

But I am not giving up. Above, I have copied some quotes that are speaking to me today. I have never been skinny. I have never been fit. I have never known what it is like to not feel, in some way, unhappy with my body. But I dream of it. I dream about being able to look in the mirror and just smile at myself. I dream about walking through my house without bumping into things. I dream about running down shady streets lined with trees and feeling my hair bounce on my back and wind in my face. I dream of no infertility issues. I dream about buying new clothes. They are great dreams. It’s time for them to become reality. I know I can do this.

That is where the perseverance comes in. I haven’t been very good at this part. That doesn’t mean I can’t be though. These are the pep talks I give myself. Just because I haven’t managed to do it yet, doesn’t mean that I can’t do it. I’m human, and sometimes it doesn’t work and I really do feel like I can’t do it. I usually have a good cry then and try and find the answers. Today though, isn’t one of those days. I really feel good. I feel good despite all of the things going on with the house and the money. I feel good even though my heart aches a little. I guess maybe good isn’t the word for what I am feeling. I think the word might be confident.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I am so tired of being angry. I feel I am angry all of the time right now. I have no where to put this emotion. Even when I am not actively angry, something small and insignificant can just infuriate me. This is because I am not being able to get rid of the hurt/bad/irate feelings that build up at any given time.

How do you approach any situation to defuse it and talk about it when you KNOW you are over reacting and blowing things out of proportion because you aren’t in a good headspace in the first place.

It’s just effecting everything so badly. I’m angry I can’t seem to control my eating. I’m gaining weight. I’m angry that I am jealous that my friends around the net are losing weight.

I wanted to be a Big Eagle this coming term, but I clearly am not in a good enough head space to be levelheaded and mentor people. I don’t want them to have an experience like I did.

This is very random. My mind is jumping about to several topics. I hate that I am so angry about things I shouldn’t be angry about. You know, it has gotten to the point where I don’t even know when I am valid in being angry anymore. Maybe I SHOULD be angry, but I just can’t accept that at face value because I know I’ve been blowing things out of proportion.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

It’s Thursday here at the zombie blog. And that means it’s time to delve into a random thing I have been thinking about. I have to show you this T-Shirt graphic I found.

How perfect. Zombies are part of the precipitate. They are what is left over. They are what falls out of the stream. They are everything you wish you had done but came up with an excuse not to.

I want to be a part of the solution. This morning has been good. Yeah, I actually said that. It has been a good morning. I woke up, and despite having a stiff neck and nightmares, I greeted my hubby with a cheerful good morning. Then he asked me to go to the track this morning.

I wanted to resist going to workout with every fiber. However, we have a deal. If one of us manages to come up with the gumption to go do something physical, the other person MUST be supportive and cannot opt out of going. (Barring severe illness or injury of course) So what I really wanted to say was…. I don’t want to. But I will go if you want me to. I didn’t say that. I said… Ok. I had my breakfast shake, got dressed, and we went to the walking track, puppy in tow of course.

It was HOT despite the fact it wasn’t even 11 yet. But we went and we started walking and we didn’t go fast. I have lost my stamina. I need to recondition my body. But we went and we walked and we talked like old times. It was so much fun. Admittedly, the working out headaches have come back and I am disappointed about that. However, I walked the full mile. We stopped for just a couple of minutes to sit in the shade. This was mostly because we are all, Lucy included, getting used to being active in the heat again. I am so proud of myself. I really am. I am proud that I didn’t say no this morning. I am proud that I walked the full mile. I am proud that I am being honest about how I feel about it.

Lunch wasn’t terribly healthy. It was burritos with the trimmings. But I wrote it all down. I wrote down everything I ate yesterday. I am doing well for day 2 now. I feel like there might actually be some light at the end of this tunnel. Now, as soon as we can afford it, I’ll get my body bugg up and running again. Right now, I am listening to my body. I am eagerly waiting to notice that my knees don’t hurt as much, or I don’t get winded so quickly.

I am realizing now how important these things were to me before. When all that mattered to me were the numbers on the scale, I didn’t realize how much these non scale related signs meant to me. Just like when I lost 25lbs in a month and didn’t realize what an accomplishment that was. Having fallen way down and needing to pick myself up again is allowing me to see all of those things that were so important but that I was so obsessed with other things to notice.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I’m actually refusing to get on the scale today. I just don’t need that in my face right now. I may need to find a new topic to blog about on Wednesdays. Suggestions?

I'm feeling a little better today. I think getting out what I could, actually did help yesterday. The world in general just seems a little less bleak today. New challenges are always waiting for us. I just feel a little bit more ready to face them today.

I took S's advice and rather than wallowing in the fact that I haven't yet started weight watchers, I just took some time to get my notebook out and figure out my points. Do you know what? I actually remembered to think about points and what I was eating this morning.

So Right now I have rice cooking and I am making black beans to go with it. My kitchen smells amazing right now. I must remain vigilant and stay on my guard in case the Zombies wander to closely.

Speaking of wandering Zombies... I was sort of afraid there was going to be a massive attack right on the porch this morning. Mom and Dad were asking us if we ate certain foods. It's getting time to do grocery shopping around here. So first off was... Do we eat Sloppy Joes. While I dislike this sloppy meat creation, R likes them very much. Next on the list... Fish Sticks... then Salisbury Steak... finally Pot Pies... I began to get fidgety. THIS FOOD IS SO PROCESSED!! It's like ZOMBIE FODDER!

Don't get me wrong, I can find a few of these things tasty... but come on now. I’m going to have to get in control of the food I am eating. We have a rule here, that whomever is cooking chooses what to cook. You however, are not obligated to eat it. So it’s a good idea to have an emergency meal ready just in case you aren’t happy with the evening selection. This came about because on the whole, my parents eat pretty different food from my husband and I. FORTUNATELY, they have seemed to enjoy all of the dishes I have prepared so far.

I’m just nervous about the processed food. I just need to remember that I don’t have to eat it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

This is a test as I try out my new desktop blogger. We’ll see how it works out. Hopefully, it makes blogging a bit more intuitive for me so I will want to do it more often. The way blogger handles adding photos drives me a bit bonkers.

I found this bumper sticker when I was browsing around. Funny... and accurate. Do you know what the vehicle is? It's me. It's my body. Turning inward and actually looking at the things that are wrong is the only way I am going to get this vehicle into fighting shape. We all know the zombies aren't particularly fast, but they come in numbers. Oh boy, do they come in numbers. I think my zombies that came to tea have multiplied.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and not much writing. I chose to revamp the blog in the middle of moving. I think part of me did that on purpose. I wanted a distraction. I wanted another THING to keep me from having to look at the situation I am in.

I'm 30 years old. I'm Morbidly Obese. I've recently gone through a bankruptcy, and now I am going through a foreclosure. I have body issues. I have self esteem issues. I have some anxiety issues and some issues that I don't have names for just yet. I am a master at distraction.

But here is the truth of it... I say that. I think it's the truth. I am doing my best to find the truth. I'm working on my truth. And the truth is... I don't like where I am. I've gained... 6 or 7 lbs since moving. Some of it is stress I am sure. Some of it is eating A LOT more processed food. And part of it is not having renewed my body bugg subscription yet. It's somehow easier to make excuses to not work out when the numbers aren't staring you in the face. But it's entirely possible that this is our very last week of unemployment. So who knows when I'll be able to afford it again right now.

I hope that isn't an excuse. I am so tired of them. I'm beginning to wonder if I even know what they look like when they show up anymore. It's frustrating.

I don't feel like I have the right to be unhappy. I'm trying to be supportive to my husband as he struggled to find a job, stay on top of his school work, and not submit to his own depression that is brewing. I'm so grateful to have my parents take us in with losing our house. I've talked myself into seeing only the good side. We can't afford our house or our bills... this is a good thing. Here I go again. I don't let myself see the things that I new would break me before even making the move. I.... I don't even feel comfortable writing about it all. I feel ungrateful complaining.

I feel on the edge of tears all the time.

I am filling my day with distractions instead of actually getting things done. I need to finish moving. I need to close the door on that part of my life. It's unexpectedly hard. When I go over to the house to try and clean or pack boxes, I become overwhelemed emotionally. It makes me sad to be there. I feel like a failure. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to. How much of it is my fault? How much of this could have been avoided.

And underneath all this... are my feelings of failure because I can't seem to lose the weight or keep it off. Another of my friends has gotten pregnant, which always sends me over the deep end for a little while. I was going to start weight watchers again on Monday, because I was so successful with it. I would be doing it on my own though as I obviously can't afford to actually go. But here it is Tuesday and I haven't actually started yet.

This isn't it for me right? I mean I'm not just going to be fat and feel medicore about things forever. Life has to have more in store for me than that.

At least, I am thankful for a loving family, loving friends and the great love of my life. Love at the very least isn't something I am short of. Thank goodness for that.