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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Spice Girls Coming Back!

Famous "Spice Girls" Lesbo and Tramp, a.k.a. Sporty Spice and Posh Spice, have reportedly reunited under the slogan, "We won't suck this time!" Police immediately seized the duo, and they will be charged with mental insanity and first degree murder. Their trial will be held in Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, and a special jury consisting of O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, R. Kelly, and several other guilty superstars will oversee their case. Good luck, herbs!

"The Man" is Compassionate!

Taken from www.flowerlady.comThe story behind the MAN...

As most of you are aware of, the MAN is a Caucasian male who is in charge of every unfair event in the time span of history. But what is hidden is his REAL identity. As ruthless as he may seem, he is actually a sweet man at heart. The other day, my wife, Linda, of 25 years was sent 3 dozen rare Anedrincas, a very mysterious and seductive type of rose. This then led me to believe that the MAN truly had a cute little heart. That same week, after returning home from a long day at the lab, I find sensitive love messages on my recorder for Linda. As I listened I heard phrases like, "I love you", "can't wait to see you again", and "Is your husband OK with all this?", which led me to believe that he is not oppressive, but actually looking out for both me and my wife, a heart warming feeling that I have never felt before.So do not believe for a second that the MAN is after you, making your life misterable, kicking you when you are down, because that is not true, the MAN has a softer side that is portrayed in his platonic love for my wife and minorities everywhere, leading me to say, "Thanks, Man!"

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Martha Stewart Comes Out!

Taken from www.images.scrippsweb.comSaucy, seductive, and lesbian, Martha Stewart is on a track to having a new, non-heterosexual life. That’s right, famous “do-it-yourself” goddess Martha Stewart announced late Monday evening that she does in fact “love the women.” Female spokeswoman for Stewart, Elizabeth Lethbo stated, “It even shocked me! At her annual ‘Let’s Get Gay’ event this year, I was the only guest, there were cameras, and we were partners in all the fun activities, and I never would’ve thought this.” The media reportedly had a feeding frenzy with the publicly released statement. At a press conference, Martha allegedly stated, “Look, I turn pine cones into centerpieces, I turn trash into precious handbags, and I have more estrogen than a Tampon commercial at a nudist feminist rally. I am so lesbian that sometimes the thought makes me giggle, and then I release a high pitched wail that makes my dog’s ears bleed. I love the women. Peace, I’m out.” She then flipped off the reporters, grabbed her heterosexual dog and vanished backstage. Martha also announced her plan to support a “Lesbian Happy March,” an upcoming annual event that will feature lesbians. -Frank Duprosti

Fat Singer Pregnant!

Taken from www.wreckered.co.ukBritney Spears recently announced her pregnancy. This will be Kevin Federline/The Impregnator’s seventeenth child, and he is reportedly “glad to have a reason for calling Britney fat.” Spears replied, “Me, too. Also, this will be a lot easier to explain than my breast impla-I mean, nevermind. I heart Martha.” The fat singer will have her baby in the next three to five years. -Rinaldo Harris

Weekly Breakdown

Taken from www.ksbitzshop.co.ukMy life sucks. I woke up to my Mother stabbing and raking my skin with a coat hanger. My father sat in the corner and laughed with the girl of my dreams, who also witnessed the urine stain on my bed. Then, my teacher walked in and saw a picture I drew of her dying and she suspended me. My father found my pornography and committed me to an insane asylum where I now write dictionaries for children. Last night a man in white came and injected several toxins into my blood to make me happy, but informed me today that he accidentally grabbed the “AIDS” needle. Now I am sweating, I can’t feel my body, and have to dictate this breakdown to my Mother. She is now punching me repeatedly in the windpipe and laughing hysterically.” -Submitted by Frankfurt Terry, age 12.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Tuesday Times Gear!!

You read correctly, gang. Tuesday Times now has it’s own official merchandise. Now with nearly 30 items ranging from shirts to coffee mugs, the Tuesday Times Gear shop is ready to blast forth with business. Visit at Tuesday Times Shop, or visit the link through the sidebar. All of the items are priced fairly, HONESTLY. Have fun and go make Daddy rich.

Sand Dollars: Real?

Taken from www.seashells.comU.S. officials began their official investigation of sand dollars being used as official currency late Monday afternoon. Critics of the investigation claim they would be more interested in buying a Michael Jackson cookbook than the details of this investigation. Floridian executives were outraged at the public reaction. One stated, “This sucks! We have so many freaking sand dollars, this would take us to the top. What an outrage! First all the old people move here and now we’re still poor.” Paris Hilton was quoted as stating, “I buy everything with sand dollars. Lemonade, cars, video cameras. This nice man down the street sells them to me if I pay with sand dollars and wear a bikini. He’s hot.” The controversy arose when a mentally handicapped man, Phil Donahue, tried to buy a pack of toy soldiers from a Walgreens store with six thousand sand dollars. After his rejection, he “cried” to U.S. legislature and begged a bill to be passed granting these sand dollars as legal American currency. The Bill will be voted on in the next two weeks, and is expected to pass despite the public’s violent outrage at such a stupid suggestion. More on this idiotic piece at our website, “www.tuesdaytimes.blogspot.com.” -Frank Duprosti

School Days Dwindle Down

With only nineteen school days left, including today, Ridgeway High seniors are more or less “dying.” These 19 days translate into roughly 113 hours, each one counting towards an endless summer of teacherless, mostly 18 year old happiness, and several students are understandably anxious. “I can’t wait to break free of the confining shackles placed around my brain, heart, and entire being. High school was a prison. I had great times on the weekends, but every day I had to spend there made me want to vomit rat blood. I’d die before I’d go back.” Yes, the seniors are close to graduation, but this doesn’t mean the year is over yet. One teacher stated, “What these students don’t realize is we’re not through owning them yet. We have only precious hours left to make them miserable, and we won’t waste them. Expect tucked in shirts, metal detector searches that never accomplish anything, busy work, and anything else we suddenly remember.” Touche, faculty, touche. -Rinaldo Harris

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Prom Slaughter: "I Was Terrified!"

Taken from www.rotten.comWOODLANDS HILLS, Apr. 1st- Ridgeway High's 2005 senior prom started as any other: people taking mind blowing drugs and assaulting their parents. When students began to arrive, everything was reported to be "going as planned."It was after the arrivals that police say a girl named Kerry walked into the building and shot fireballs at people. "Her dress was a fake Gucci, and she looked horrible. She held out her hands and actual fireballs jumped from them. She killed my best friend."Kerry was reported to then rush at several teachers and tackle them, and then severely beat them. Three were left in a coma. "She pounced on me and screamed in Spanish. Then she ripped my tendons from my ankles and pulled my earrings out. She hit me several hundred times, but mostly stop spitting a green, flesh burning fluid into my mouth and defecating on my dress. I was terrified! So I punched her."Police have the girl in custody, but her motifves for the brutal beating spree is unknown. When askeed what her reasoning behind the reasoning behind the massacre was, she said, "Why not?" She then proceeded to sexually harass her chair and took off her shoes, only to assault a police officer. -Frank Duprosti

Frisbee Team Wins- AGAIN!

Taken from www.ai.mit.eduThe Ridgeway High School Ultimate Frisbee team won again Saturday against Bolton in a breathtaking 10-9 victory. The win came as a surprise to the team; their prom was the night before, and several of the fans were still wearing their rentals.One fan said, "#$@# Bolton! Nothing but a bunch of cowards, and I like men. My name is Uriah Foster Hansenilia. I like men. A lot."The game was a battle to the end that all of the team contributed to. Ridgeway will face off against the pothea-er, Spartans Saturday, April 9th at 12:30.-Trent Heartly

Bad Ways to Die

Taken from www.soimmature.com-Suffocate in a bag filled with your own vomit.-Drown in a swimming pool filled with mayonnaise.-Fall from an airplane over a mountain, and your parachute doesn't open until you pass some jagged rocks, and the force from it opening throws you into those rocks, and then you vomit out of pain and a plastic bag comes out of your pocket and catches your puke, and it wraps around your head, and then you finally land in a pool that a mayonnaise truck accidentally crashed into.-Get killed.