3.1-3: Nick Thune

“Seventeen years old, got my first fake I.D. In fact, about, I guess a week ago, it would’ve been my fake I.D. birthday, and I would have been 40. And it’s just like, where’d all the years go? And I know you’re looking at me, and you’re thinking, ‘Nick, you don’t look 40.’ But I did back then.” — Nick Thune in Folk Hero

3.2-3: Doug Stanhope

“Some people say, ‘Yeah, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.’ You go, ‘Okay.’ But that means you have to have a good time to have a good time. How do you pull that off?” — Doug Stanhope on Beer Hall Putsch

3.8-10: Aries Spears

“Everybody in this room, individually, sexually, has something that you are into that is downright filthy, uh, disgusting. No one knows how nasty this is, but you and the Lord. Like, if anybody else knew what the f**k you was into, you would have to leave the country.” — Aries Spears on Comedy Blueprint

3.9-11: Jon Rudnitsky

“You think people in Africa have time to Tweet about their problems? ‘I was just mauled by a lion, and my uncle has AIDS #fml,’ ‘My town was raped and pillaged today #africangirlproblems amirite?’; ‘Was just bit by a mosquito #malarious.’” — Jon Rudnitsky at The Stand

3.16-18: Sarah Tiana

3.22-24: Greg Proops

“I think women are strong. I think women have to do a lot of things men can’t do. In fact, women have to have ugly guys’ babies. Thank you for laughing. I told that joke in Cleveland, and wow.” — Greg Proops on Gotham Comedy Live

3.23-25: Vir Das

“It’s a good time to be Indian in the world. Not the best time to be brown, but if you’re gonna be brown, Indian is the best brown. Think about where all the other brown people on the planet come from. Indians, we are at the top of that food chain. Indians: We are the white people of brown people.” — Vir Das on Conan

3.24: Jim Jefferies

“Now, I don’t know the plight of the attractive female. I don’t know the hell they go through on a daily basis. But I do know this: If someone drugged my drink, I would take it as a compliment. I’d be at the bar going, ‘I’m getting sleepy. Who likes me? Who is it?’” — Jim Jefferies on Freedumb

3.25: John Mulaney

"(Marijuana legalization is) a good thing, but it’s also a really weird thing, because this is the first time I’ve ever seen a law change because the government is just like, ‘Ugh, fine.’” - John Mulaney on The Comeback Kid

3.29-31: Chingo Bling

“I was named after my dad, I’m Pedro III. So it was my grandpa, my dad, then me. My dad wants me to keep it going. He says, ‘If you have a son, name him Pedro too.’ I say, ‘Hey, that’s enough. We’re not iPhones.” — Chingo Bling in They Can’t Deport Us All

3.30-31: Paul Morrissey

“I woke up a couple weeks ago, I had a bruise on my side. Didn’t run into anything, didn’t get hit by anything, just got a bruise from supporting my own weight at night apparently. Sleeping is too much for me at this point. This might be my last show is what I’m telling you folks.” — Paul Morrissey on Dry Bar Comedy