Self Esteem - The Problem Behind All Problems

Self esteem is THE major challenge of our era. It lies at the heart of many of the diverse issues and challenges we face in life.

In fact, it is precisely because low self esteem does not seem to be the problem, that it is so very insidious. Many people who suffer from low self esteem attribute their life challenges to wholly different causes. It does not even occur to them to relate their problems to how they regard themselves at the deepest level. Instead, they blame their problems on a mean boss, racial or sexual prejudice, a talent for choosing abusive love partners and so on.

In this way, the problem is externalized. However, doing this merely moves a person further away from the real problem, and consequently from the solution. Thus by disguising itself as some other more immediately visible issue, low self esteem is never tackled and overcome. It remains to rear its ugly head again.

Whatever challenge you face, you can rest assured that someone else has had it even worse, and yet gone on to triumph. If so, what prevents you back from doing the same? The answer must inevitably be - yourself. YOU are the primary force shaping you life. If others faced similar external challenges and triumphed, then external circumstances are NOT the primary determiners of your life. Your attitude of mind is.

How Low Self Esteem Arises

People with NO apparent self esteem problems may still be susceptible at a subtle level. For example, failing to shoot for your dreams when you were young, and settling for a safe route to an unchallenging existence, can damage how well you regard yourself. In later life, it could manifest in short temper, cynicism when others DO try to better themselves, and even physical illness. However, it seems hard to pinpoint the exact problem.

At the heart of compromises such as these is the fact that you did not believe in yourself sufficiently. In other words, self esteem issues, often inherited from your parents, appeared at this early stage.

There are many causes of low self esteem. We gain our predominant world-view by the age of five. In other words, whether you consider the world to be a safe or dangerous place, and whether you will react to events in a primarily positive or negative manner, is determined by this age. Parents are the prime shapers of our young psyches at this time. However, schools, society, and our peers also play an important role. Our later experiences in life merely reinforce the core impressions we gained at this very early age.

As the role of parents is so vital, they need to be FAR more conscious of the consequences for their child of EVERYTHING they do, say, or even think. Moreover, this care must begin whilst the child is still in the womb! Parents are too often far too casual about how they bring up their children. They unconsciously pass on their own limitations to them as a result.

Facing The Challenge Of Ourselves

What can you do to improve your self esteem? The first thing is to understand the difference between self-esteem and self-image. Self-image forms as a result of comparisons you make between yourself and those around you. It is the judgement you make of yourself - the image you have of yourself. Sadly, it is often negative as you can usually find someone better than you at almost everything. Self-image in turn affects self-esteem. An easy way to understand this difference is to look at young children. They have perfect self-esteem BECAUSE they have no self-image. They are not continually judging themselves against externals and falling short.

The key is NOT to work upon self-image. This is what many people try to do. However, working on self-esteem is the heart of creating radical change. When you work from the inside out, how you feel about yourself in comparison with externals must eventually improve as well.

The key to improving your self-esteem is to take conscious control of your self-talk. Negative self-talk is the prime cause for creating and maintaining negative self esteem. The things you say to yourself in your mind, as well as the meaning you attribute to events in your life, combine to create the reality you end up live. Most people's self-talk is roughly 95% negative. They see the worst in themselves and in everything that happens. Putting a stop to such self-destructive thinking is vital. It is our thoughts and expectations that shape and produce what we become. The quality of our lives is a direct result of them.

One excellent way to combat and overcome negative self-talk is through using positive affirmations. The principle behind them is that the brain cannot entertain two contradictory notions at the same time. Eventually one of the two contradictory notions must win out and cause the other to collapse completely. The belief that finally wins out is the one that you invest with the most emotional energy and constancy of thought.

"I like myself"
"I am a positive person and I create a positive life"
"I am a wonderful person of immense value who deserves to be loved"

and others like these will do absolute wonders. Note how all good affirmations are framed in the positive. Never frame an affirmation in the negative, e.g. "I am NOT a negative person". The subconscious literally cannot see the word "not" and will therefore interpret and act upon the affirmation as if you said "I AM a negative person"!

Create a series of affirmations like this and resolve to use them throughout the day. You can write one or more of them out ten, twenty or more times a day. You should also take every opportunity to say them out loud to yourself. Always do so with enthusiasm and gusto; really feeling the positive emotions surging through your body. This is the true key to making affirmations work in improving self esteem. Putting all your emotional energy behind them gives the affirmations the power to destroy negative self-talk and low self esteem.

An extremely powerful way to use affirmations is to record yourself speaking them quietly onto a tape, perhaps with some soothing background music that you like. Then you can play this tape quietly in the background at every opportunity. You have effectively created your own subliminal tape! Try playing this to yourself when you sleep at night, using an auto-reverse walkman. The results in your life will be truly tremendous.

Recognition Of The Problem Is Halfway To The Solution

There are many effective ways to remedy low self esteem. However, the key to success in life is to recognize the existence of the problem in the first place! Therefore, consider where self esteem issues may be lurking in your life, but manifesting as apparently external problems. The key attitude for success in life is to take total responsibility for what happens to us. We must work upon ourselves continually in order to manifest what we want. Creating high self esteem is one of the best things you can ever do to totally transform every aspect of your life.

Copyright 2000, Asoka Selvarajah. All Rights Reserved.

Author's Bio:

Dr. Asoka Selvarajah is an active writer/researcher on personal development and esoteric spirituality. Asoka's work helps people achieve their full potential, deepen their understanding of mystical truth, and find joy in their true soul's purpose.

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THANKS DOC, ahaha. There is NO doubt that these tips are magnificent. Hell, here's a free one right here: randomly strike up conversations with people. Anywhere! It's fun, easy, and only takes time and an outgoing attitude =]. If you want more free tips, check out this site I host for confidence building techniques, friends! http://realcore.selfconfidenceguides.com You won't be sorry ;)

Hi Dr. Selvarajah,
Interestingly, I have been seeing a hypnotherapist as my subconscious is filtered with a lot of negative build-ups in my life. I have always been ambitious and positive (hence the r0eason for me starting my blog) but as we grow it is evident that we all have stuff that needs attention.
One thing I would like to highlight to you and as many people complain about the movie 'The Secret' how it doesnt work, it is important that each individual who is using the negative, subconsciously, to attract the positive are not aware that they need to address the negative to allow the positive to be free flowing.
There is a feeling inside that let's me know, until this has been worked on, I am unable to move to the next chapter in my life successfully (in the areas I believe will constitute to my happiness) and I can tell you, change doesn't come easy, but it is absolutely necessary!
Love & Light!!!
Much Love, S.

Asoka: Thank you for your beautifully written article on self-esteem. Your ability to articulate the difference between self esteem & self image is much appreciated. You nailed it on the head-- "self image" is often the tip of a narcissistic iceberg that can degrade & destroy self-esteem, when left unchecked. The building up of self-esteem, if the parental foundation is absent, is easier said than done. Affirmations are a very worthy exercise, if you believe what you're saying to yourself. Some people with low self-esteem are unconsciously self-hating in subtle ways & often undo the "affirmation" before it's out of their mouths. Sometimes a psychotherapy relationship can provide a corrective emotional experience by creating a loving environment so the person can truly feel & believe in their worth. I bring this insight into the work i do with youth playing club basketball in Pasadena, enabling me to be a positive force.

Positive affirmations are by far one of the fast tracks to a high self esteem... But at the same time, it must be more than just simply the stating of "positive affirmations", but there must also be positive physical actions and feeling involved at the same time. Huskies for Sale

I like your post and I'll always be coming more frequently to read your message. Thank you very much for your message once again. I found it amazing. Your thought process is wonderful. The way you express yourself is awesome.
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I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. I am hoping the same best work from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing abilities has inspired me.
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Great Article, Dr. Selvarajah. Positive affirmations do work, if you believe in who and what you are. People have a tendency of focusing on what "they don't have or what they can't do!" It's very easy to fall into such a dilemma. There is an old saying: "You are what you think about daily!" Strength comes from the inside out and not the opposite. I've spent many years reading self-help books, initially for myself and now for many of my friends and clients, and most if not all recommend creating a positive mental attitude. PMA works wonders when building self-esteem and self-image. Thanks Again Dr. Selvarajah! - Jeff Garofalo

Is this the JOKE-OF-THE-DAY????
In the words of Lil Jon "YOU MUST BE OUTTA YOUR MIND"...
What Dill-hole wrote this piece of DOO DOO..??
This is some straight-up-GARB AGE..I'll bet somebody with some REAL LOW SELF-ESTEEM wrote this masterful piece of TOM-FOOLERY...

I never read whole articles but the way you wrote this information is simply amazing and this kept my interest in reading and I enjoyed it. I read your post and I found it amazing. Your thought process is wonderful.
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Excellent article. In my work as a coach I find that low self-esteem or limiting self belief is the prevalent common denominator in many clients.
I find that personally designed affirmations really do make a difference when spoken with intention and for a specific purpose and not just repeated by rote as is often shown in movies.
I am sure this article will be a catalyst for many others to begin this practice.

Excellent article. In my experience as a person, the most important intangible asset that one needs to work every day is "Self Esteem"
All the comments and the article are worth reading again and again. In addition is self talk, which is very important, Some of the ways I use are:
1. Affirmations-specifically for raising self esteem-A good resource-Money is my friend-by Phil laut.
2. Meditations-by Loius Hay
3. Yoga-both deep breathing and asanas/working out in Gym
4. Doing one activity that leads to a creation-May be as simple as cooking a new recipe, creating space by clearing clutter, learning a new music/song, writing an article like this, playing a new game ( I love lumosity) etc.... This is something you do for yourself, by yourself and require no one to judge/validate you.
,
Once again thanks a lot to Dr. Asoka for sharing your knowledge and all those who commented.

I cant seem to get myself to think, much less say out loud, that i am perfect or good or anything positive... I dont tell myself negative things. i Try to avoid speaking to myself, i actually never speak to myself. I feel as if it were kind of a waste of time or i feel that its embarassing to tell myself i look nice or something like that. i need other peoples approvals. I know i have a badself-image and i have self esteem issues and i know i have to fix this but i feel stupid talking to myself!
Why is this?

Hey Eve. If you feel silly talking to yourself how about writing instead? I write when I feel I cant talk and my thoughts are all over the place. I write for myself, as if no one will ever read it. I really find it helps. Writing affirmations might help you become able to speak them. Everything begins with thought. I hope you find, or even better, have found a way to love yourself more.

Good points and interesting reading! I've worked with hundreds of solo entrepreneurs, mostly women, and the biggest challenge most
of them face is lack of self-confidence. One of the things I have them
start doing right away is keeping a daily journal and keeping track of
the small successes - doesn't matter what it is, if they make their
first sale, or fix an appliance all by themselves. All of those smaller successes over time begin to add up and then we can work on expanding their comfort zone.
Thanks for the insights! - Marquita Herald
http://www.inspiredgiftgiving.com

It has been one week since I read this article. It has changed my perspective on life back to the way it was when I was a kid. I lost that feeling of happiness some time ago and have been kind of drifting in and out of contentment for years. Instantly I found comfort in the truth written here and started making changes in my life. Started working out, changing my negative self talk, and keeping a positive attitude no matter what is happening.
To whoever wrote this article (Asoka Selvarajah):
Thank you for your words. I have learned quickly to love myself first and that happiness would blossom from that. Your article hit me at a time when I had hit the bottom of my self esteem and my overall outlook on life was miserable. Like a rubber ball, I could only bounce back up once I've hit the floor. This time however, I don't plan on returning. My hopes and dreams have always been in the stars and this time I plan to get there. Thanks again for your insight!

I really liked this article and the comments that people made. I'm a very nervous, introverted, a-social (not anti-social) kind of person. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, but I do believe that personality type has a propensity for self-doubt and low self esteem. I agree with some of the comments that giving yourself high praise all of the time may in itself seem extrinsic, especially when correlated with external benefits such as more friends, better status, etc. But, I do think there is legs to the argument that negative self talk can absolutely manifest itself into real, external problems. I'm going to try this out, because to be honest I am not happy with my external circumstances right now. I think each feeds upon itself. Negative self talk feeds external circumstances and vice-versa. A vicious circle, but at least you have control over one.

Hello Brett
I had to reply to your comment. I realised a few yrs ago the power that thoughts have over our emotions and reactions. It became clear that I was creating situations around me that matched the thoughts I was entertaining - negative ones. I only realised this after I had done a course of hypnotherapy - which put me on a new path. When I began to focus on the things I wanted - I saw positive changes!
Experiment with this. It can only lead to good things =)

Selvarajah is trying to advise on how to help with low self-esteem. People who are happy, confident and have plenty of friends more than likely had a childhood that nurtured them and gave them the confidence that they needed. Unfortunately that is not the case for everyone and living with constant criticism in your formative years can have a very real and damaging effect on your self esteem. Dealing with this core problem of how you think about yourself can only help you gain confidence. If you think that you are worthless how can you socialise and make friends with any real conviction?

Another thank you! Yes its myself in the driver seat. I finally realized this. Its amazing how most people never seem to get this. No matter what age! Thanks for begining and ending with this issue. B.t.w. I loved the whole article.

I have used the techniques above, but I have found that in all reality my self worth is still fundamentally connected to how others treat me. Anything else is just something I think caused better self esteem, but really didn't. I noticed after I dominate others I have good self-esteem, but after others dominate me I feel self loathing. It feels like hell and I hate the whole darn thing! Even my "friends" are just people who don't dominate me, so my ego has time to rest. I want real friends and real feelings of joy and friendship! These techniques are like acting, I feel like a wax person with no real feelings after using them.

I understand what you are saying completely. I feel like we are in the same boat. But, I really do think we can manifest our own destines. The context of how you are feeling to me seems like your world view is still causing your low self esteem. For example, you still feel negative about yourself, but based on your comment I can tell you are a very self-aware, reflective, and empathetic person. Those are very objectively good things that should reinforce a high self esteem. You have to separate esteem from image like the article talked about. Its no walk in the park, but I think you are healthy enough individual to overcome all uncontrollable circumstances.

You have to start THINKING that you are perfect. You did not loss yur self esteem with you mouth, you did it with your MIND. you can only undo with with your mind.
The following tips will help you:
You MUST start thinking the way God wants us to think, that we are PERFECTLY made. You are PERFECT no matter what you look like or what you have done.
1. REPEAT in your mind to your self that you are PERFECT every moment (dont say it out, THINK it in your mind. stop now and repeat it 20 times in your head befor you go to the next point)
2. Dont FEAR what people will say or think
3. REPEAT in your mind every moment that you are PERFECT
4. Pray to holy spirit to help you to keep thinking this way.
you will be feeling happy in a few weeks. Remember, this will be your way of thinking for the rest of your life
God bless and help you
can contact me on perfectgeneration@ymail.com

Your article is stupid. Positive affirmations are terrible ways to gain self-esteem. Simply finding various ways of saying "I am awesome" is not the correct way of feeling better about yourself, and will not result in more friends, a better worklife or whatever outcome you are looking for. Making more friends, creating a better worklife and working at ways to make a better lifestyle come before feeling better at oneself, not after.

No, feeling better about yourself does not come after you have made friends. You are relying others to make you feel good. SELF esteem is when you feel good even in rags and alone. it leaves you space to pick and choose your friends.
the following tips will help you: CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK, not what you say.
You are PERFECT no matter what you look like or what you have done.
1. REPEAT in your mind to your self that you are PERFECT every moment (dont say it out, THINK it in your mind. stop now and repeat it 20 times in your head befor you go to the next point)
2. Dont FEAR what people will say or think
3. REPEAT in your mind every moment that you are PERFECT
4. Pray to holy spirit to help you to keep thinking this way. you will be feeling happy in a few weeks. Remember, this will be your way of thinking for the rest of your life God bless and help you can contact me on perfectgeneration@ymail.com

5/18/10
First of all the article to which you refer to as stupid is based solely on your perception and beliefs. That is not to say that all are in agreement with you. For some, this article may be just what they need in the moment. Usually suggesticns, theories are perceived individually. It should be noted that if you have a better theory or belief you should post it, rather than point out your disagreements with others. Wish you the best in all your endeavors and hopeful that you will learn to accept others differences and become enlightened by the gift of sharing insights with each other. This is what makes our world go round, "Differneces". Peace

TaySmith
You should try to avoid being so negative. If you studied the subconscious, you would understand just how much this all makes sense. All you did was refute this info without making any counterarguments, which goes to show how weak your point is. The fact that you are reading this article itself shows you have some slight notion of low self esteem in your mind, and the fact that you consider raisin your self esteem "will not result in more friends,(or) a better worklife" goes to show where the problems lie in your life. Maybe you should actually analyze and consider the information in the article and actually take responsibility, and consider it true.

In my opinion this article can be seen as an example of what is ruining an entire generation of teens and preteens, because it is teaching constant reward, (positive affirmations and whatnot), for little to no actual accomplishment. I believe this is creating a whole new level of arrogance in those who take it seriously, and according to psychology experts like Roy Baumeister, those arrogant people can prove violent when their unwarranted high opinions of themselves get challenged.
So thank you guest, for asking me to further analyze and consider the information in this article. Sadly, I still think it's stupid.

This is the most retard thing I have ever read? What is ruining an entire gen is not this but, it is parents being to damn afraid to discipline their child. Your statement is nothing more than hogwash and tells me just how simple minded and arrogant you are. Go look in the mirror at yourself before you judge others.

EXCUSE ME, What are you doing reading positive articles anyway.Sounds like you have a slight problem with EVERYTHING!. CHILL a little.This article is intended to educate not separate. It has many good points and that is it's intentions.We positive folks enjoy reading positive informational articles.If you dont there are millions of places where you can read about negitive things. Chill a While.

Arrogance and self-confidence are two separate issues. I agree with the idea that today's youth have much arrogance and little respect. However, in this article, it is speaking to people with no confidence or at least very little. It did not in any context say : "Tell yourself you are better than the people around you."
It is saying "Tell yourself you are no less than the people around you."

Actually I read this article because I was doing a report on the negative aspects of high self esteem and needed sources for the other side of the argument. I do agree with Selvarajah that low self esteem is a big problem, just not with his ways of countering it. He says "At the heart of compromises such as these is the fact that you did not believe in yourself sufficiently ". This is the point I disagree with.
For example, the incompetent baseball player did not fail at his goal of becoming great because he didn't believe in himself enough, it was something else. Maybe he failed because he didn't practice enough, or because he was naturally less coordinated than others, or countless other reasons, but most definitely not because he forgot to tell himself that he deserves to be loved. On a more obvious level of example, the friendless teen will not make more friends simply by believing that he/she deserves them, which is what Selvarajah seems to be teaching.

People who have lots of friends have them because they are genuinely friendly people, because they are caring, nice and have real qualities that people look for in friends. The self esteem that these people also have is correlated to their amount of friends, but in no way causes it. In fact, it seems to me the more logical timeline would be that they gain self esteem because they have more friends, that high self-image is actually a "result" of a more positive lifestyle, which in turn is a result of having good life skills.