Competence is tolerated, but not encouraged

The missing Q signals
John Queen, KAØSEY & Mike Colyar, K7ITL
Some Q signals have never made it to the ARRL's official list. Here are
some that may agree would be useful in appropriate sityations. As with
regular !Q signals, each can be a statement or a question, depending on
whether a question mark follows it.
QLF I am sending with my left foot.
QLF? Are you sending with your left foot?
QRC Warning, rag chewer on frequency.
QRC? Are you a rag chewer?
QOK Your last transmission was Okie Dokie.
QOK? Was my last transmission OK?
QFH This frequency is MINE! - go elsewhere.
QFH? Is this frequency hogged?
QBS It's getting deep in here.
QBS? Did I tell you about the one that got away?
QZZ I fell asleep at the mike.
QZZ? Is that a 60Hz hum, or are you snoring?
QBA My antenna is BIG!
QBA? How big is your antenna?
QHI I am jumping in quick to say hi, then going QRT.
QHI? Are you leaving after only one transmission?
QBO Don't sit next to that gyu in the meeting.
QBO? Buddy, can you spare some soap?
QNO I am sending through a non-standard orifice.
QNO? Are you sending through a non-standard orifice?
QCW I am going to whistle Morse Code on FM (or SSB)
QCW? Why are you whistling Morse?
QET Phone home.
QET? Has anyone called me from another planet?
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Trash submitted by Ian C. Purdie VK2TIP #171
RSVPs to an Invitation to the Scientists' Millennium Ball
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Dr. Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Volta was electrified, and Archimedes (was) buoyant at the thought.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
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Trash submitted by Mike Besemer, KG8L #169
Oil Changing Instructions:
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter,
oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in
the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another
oil change.
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Trash submitted by John, W2AGN #390
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.and 7:00 p.m. When I
asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones
weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email.
Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I
had not signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she
could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why,
she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed
on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars, and he didn't
want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly
and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company
due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should
do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other
with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician,
"It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
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Trash submitted by Ian C. Purdie VK2TIP #171Site to visit when you need something to keep you busy...
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Trash submitted by Bob N0UF #521
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
At the local KFC, I ordered a box of french fries. I did this because I had
gotten a box of fried before. The counter help told me they didn't sell
french fries by the box, so I ordered three regular sized servings where
upon they took a 2 piece dinner box, lined it with paper, put the three
orders in the box. I picked up the box and ask, "Isn't this a box of
fries?", they didn't have a reply.
On night, my wife and I stopped a coffee shop, we checked the case prior to
setting down. The waitress came to take our order. Linda ordered coffee
and a roll, I ordered coffee and six doughnut holes. The reply, "We don't
have doughnut holes." I got up, walked to the case, pointed to them and ask
what are these, "Oh! there 'Munchies'", I said "Oh, and where do 'Munchies'
come from?" Another deafening silence.
IDIOTS AT THE POST OFFICE:
I sent a QSL to Pitcarn Island, M Wilson, PO Box 79, Pitcarn Is, Via New
Zealand. It was returned with the notation, address needs City, State and
Zip Code. This happened three more times, but this was the first. The
second time, I took the QSL in and the guy at the counter said, " I've never
seen that happen before." I assured him, it had. Three days later I proved
it to him. The fourth time was uneventful.
I received my local Radio Club news letter and a QSL from Spain on the same
day, they were both postmarked eight days prior. When I asked for an
explanation at the post office the response was, "That pretty good service
from Spain!" The newsletter arrived the day after our monthly meeting. One
more time, deafening silence, MINE, hard to argue with logic like that!
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Trash submitted by Colin AC0S #595
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was
the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between
our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know
how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just
this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive
over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers.. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of
my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher
tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother
says, "I just gave him some ant killer....." Dispatcher: "Rush him in to
emergency!"
Life is tough. " It's tougher if you're stupid."
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Trash submitted by Larry W2LJ #619
I used to work for a distributor of professional photographic equipment.
I was the Service Manager. Whenever someone wanted to send something in
for repair, I had to make sure they marked the box "Attn: Service Dept";
or the receiving department would refuse it in order to cut down on
unauthorized merchandise returns. One day, the guys down on the receiving
dock called me to come look at a package. When I got down there, they
were almost to the point of wetting themselves from laughing so hard.
They knew that I always told our customers to mark the inbound repair
packages "Attn: Service Department" and to mark it conspicuously,
so it would be noticed. When I got down to the receiving dock, they
handed me a box. Sure enough, on each side of the box, someone had
written the word "conspicuously".
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