John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Is it always appropriate to go to a funeral? (Published 7-12-11)

Q:

Paula from AR writes: My daughter who is 16, was the driver of a vehicle that had an accident. It spun around and rolled and hit a motorcyclist. The man passed away. She feels so horrible and wants to go to his funeral, we do not think it's appropriate. The family is mourning the loss of a loved one, she wants to pay her respects. What do you think?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Paula,

Ouch – what a horrible set of circumstances for everyone involved. And, we imagine, painfully difficult for you as the mom.

There is no exact correct answer to your question of whether or not your daughter should attend the funeral.

Assuming that the accident was just that, and there were no compounding issues like alcohol or other factors that contributed to the death, then it might be okay for her to go.

One key is whether or not she’s had direct contact with the grieving family, and whether they would be willing to have her be at the funeral.

If there’s any way that the grieving family could be contacted—perhaps by you—to see if they would be amenable, we’d suggest you look into it.

If they say “no,” then we think your daughter would need to respect that.

Based on the little bit we know, we believe that the part of your daughter’s heart and soul that wants to pay her respects, casts her as a wonderful young woman.