All posts by Haven House

Many of the domestic violence survivors that walk through the doors of Haven House visit with us about how it all began.
Saying they wish they knew in their dating years what they know now.

The reason survivors say this is because when they look back on their relationship they see all the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships often escalate into domestic violence and sometimes can even turn deadly. The key is to know and then heed the warning signs.

10 Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

INTENSITY: Having really extreme feelings or over-the-top behavior that feels like too much. Examples are rushing the pace of a relationship, always wanting to see you and talk to you, and feeling like someone is obsessed with you.

JEALOUSY: An emotion that everyone experiences, jealousy becomes unhealthy when someone lashes out or tries to control you because of it. Examples can be getting upset when you text or hang out with people your partner feels threatened by, accusing you of flirting or cheating, being possessive over you or even going so far as to stalk you.

MANIPULATION: When a partner tries to influence your decisions, actions or emotions. Manipulation is not always easy to spot, but some examples are convincing you to do things you wouldn’t normally feel comfortable with, ignoring you until they get their way, and using gifts and apologies to influence your decisions or get back in your good graces.

ISOLATION: Keeping you away from friends, family, or other people. Examples can be when your partner makes you choose between them and your friends, insisting you spend all your time with them, making you question your own judgement of friends and family, and making you feel dependent on them for money, love or acceptance.

SABOTAGE: Purposely ruining your reputation, achievements or success. Examples can be making you miss work, school or practice, keeping you from getting school work done, talking about you behind your back or starting rumors, and threatening to share private information about you.

BELITTLING: Making you feel bad about yourself. Examples can be calling you names, making rude remarks about who you hang out with, your family or what you look like, and making fun of you – even if it’s played off as just a joke.

GUILTING: Making you feel guilty or responsible for your partner’s actions. Examples can be making you feel responsible for their happiness, making you feel like everything is your fault, threatening to hurt themselves or others if you don’t do as they say or stay with them,or pressuring you to do anything sexual you’re not comfortable with.

VOLATILITY: Unpredictable overreactions that make you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around them or do things to keep them from lashing out. Examples can be mood swings, losing control of themselves by getting violent or yelling, threatening to hurt you or destroy things, and making you feel afraid of them. This can also be lots of drama or ups and downs in a relationship.

DEFLECTING RESPONSIBILITY: Making excuses for their behavior. Examples can be blaming you, other people or past experiences for their actions, using alcohol or drugs as an excuse, using mental health issues or past experiences (like a cheating ex or divorced parents) as a reason for unhealthy behavior.

BETRAYAL: When your partner acts differently with you versus how they act when you’re not around. Examples can be lying to you, purposely leaving you out or not telling you things, being two-faced, acting differently around friends, or cheating while in a relationship with you.

Do you see those warning signs in your relationship? Call and speak to one of our advocates today at 1-800-440-4633. It’s free. It’s confidential.

These signs were provided by One Love Foundation: https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/

With January having been National Stalking Awareness Month it is key to not only recognize stalking behavior, but to be aware of how to deal with a stalker. Often times, individuals believe if they ignore the actions of the stalker, the stalker will lose interest and go away. However, Kris Mohandie, a Clinical Police & Forensic Psychologist, says this doesn’t work with stalkers who are already violating the boundaries of normal behavior and making their target feel unsafe. Mohandie advises you should NOT engage with a stalker directly.

Here are some steps to help increase your safety if you are being stalked:

Contact Haven House at 1-800-440-4633 and speak to an advocate.

Be alert and aware of your surroundings at all times.

Avoid all contact with the stalker.

Photograph and document all behaviors, messages, phone calls, and any other actions of the stalker and turn the information over to police.

Make others in your life aware of the stalker and the stalker’s behavior.

There are often four kinds of stalkers:

Public Figure Stalker: Have not had any prior relationship with their victim.

Private Stranger Stalker: Crosses paths with a victim in some way and then that person becomes a target.

Acquaintance Stalker: Pursues acquaintances like co-workers, classmates, or someone else in their life. Acquaintance stalkers have about a 50%
risk of violence.

Intimate Stalkers: This is the most common and most dangerous stalker. The risk of violence is about 74% and could include anything from pushing
and shoving to a more violent assault. Intimate stalkers would have been in some type of relationship with the victim at some point.

Psychologist Kris Mohandie notes that many domestic violence homicides have a stalking component.

If you believe you are being stalked, reach out to our advocates today. The advocates at Haven House will work with you to create and implement a safety plan. It’s free and confidential. Call 1-800-440-4633 to speak to an advocate today.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?

Lisa Orban was married to her abuser for three years. In 1990, she left after he threatened to kill her and their two young children. She was 20 years old. Her financial situation in the marriage? “Bad, in a nutshell,” she recalls. Not unusual for the time, her husband was the main breadwinner, and he managed the finances. “Whenever there was a chance that I might make enough money or make more money than him or do anything to upset his financial apple cart, so to speak, he would come in and sabotage it.”

She lost multiple jobs because of his meddling. She moved with him from her hometown in Illinois to Arizona for college, where she’d won a four-year scholarship to study psychology. Before she could start, he contacted the university and told them she’d decided to drop out. “Imagine my surprise when I go to registration day and find out that my scholarship is gone,” she says.

He even had control of the mailbox. He took her key, though she thought she’d just lost it, and put off replacing it. That had major, unexpected financial ramifications. “It wasn’t until after we were divorced that I found out that I had not paid off my student loan.” The $4,000 loan ultimately cost her $38,000 to repay, she says.

The checks Orban thought were going into the mail were not, and the missed payment notices from her loan providers weren’t getting to her. He kept control of the checking account. He wouldn’t let her use the car alone. He knew how much money she earned, and he would accompany her to the bank to deposit her paychecks. He signed up for credit cards in her name.

By the time Orban left and filed for divorce, she was $80,000 in debt and didn’t even know about it.

About 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime, according to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report. Of those who experience violence, 98% also experience financial abuse. So what are ways you can protect your finances in a situation like this?

Steps to Prepare Your Finances Before Leaving
1. Connect with a Victim Advocate
2. Save Money
3. Make Copies of Important Documents
4. Cut Ties and Open a New Bank Account
5. Find a Financial Advisor
6. Find an Attorney.

Steps to Rebuild Your Finance After Leaving
7. Get a Copy of Your Credit Report
8. Find Resolution on Lingering Debts
9. Create a New Budget
10. Rebuild Your Credit
11. If You Need to, Find a New Job and Housing
12. Prepare for Financial Success

As advocates at Haven House, we often see abusers restrict or limit access to the economic resources of the home. Spotting financial or economic abuse may be another way to spot that there may also physical, emotional, sexual, or mental abuse occurring in the home as well.

If you are experiencing this type of abuse or you think you know someone who may be, you can speak to one of our advocates to find out more info: 1-800-440-4633.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?

We provide free presentations and assembly programs for area schools and speak to students about dating violence. Deborah, one of our volunteer speakers, often comes along to speak about the abusive relationship she was in. During her story she talks about how she didn’t even realize she was in an abusive relationship, until someone from outside of the situation was honest with her and made here aware all the signs were characteristic of an abusive relationship.

Before she knew it, she was in an abusive relationship and didn’t realize it because she was not aware of the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Without knowing the signs of an unhealthy relationship, both men and women can end up in abusive relationships. Many simply think it is the
personal dynamics of their own relationship and not abuse.

Knowing the signs can help a person identify an unhealthy relationship. Some of these are warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, precursors to domestic violence.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?

Working as advocates for domestic violence victims, we often work with clients who do return to their abusive situations. We understand the reasons why and continue to offer support when they are ready to leave again. However many people ask “Why in the world do they go back? Why don’t they just leave?”

On average, a domestic violence victim will return to an abusive relationship up to seven times. It is important that we are able to recognize the “why”, so we can aim to intervene and break the cycle of returning to an abusive situation.

Why does a person return to an abusive relationship?

Unfamiliarity: Stepping out of everything a person knows can be scary. This can mean leaving friends, family, your home, and everything you know behind when leaving an abusive
relationship. Sometimes this unfamiliarity is too much and scary.
Manipulation: Abusers will continually try to persuade an individual to come back. This manipulation is often filled with empty promises, sweet talk, or even threats.
Love for the abuser: Even though a person may have been abused, they still feel a sense of love for their abuser, and return hoping that things will change.
Lack of Support: If a person doesn’t receive understanding from loved ones, and does not have access to vital resources they can often feel as though it is just easier to go back.
Fear of being alone: For some people the desire to feel a sense of belonging, even if its abusive, overtakes the desire to leave the relationship.

There are many more reasons why people return, but there are things we can do as individuals and as a community to help break this cycle.

-Support victims and speak encouragement into their lives.
-Provide access to vital resources and other support services.
-Involve them in activities and let them see hope beyond their abusive relationship.
-Continue to offer support, encouragement, and help even if a person goes back.
-Help them rediscover the things they loved before their abusive relationship (hobbies, activities, etc.)

Want to learn more about why people go back to an abusive
relationship or what you can do to help victims become
survivors? Call us today at 402-375-5433.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?

It’s hard to know what to do, how to feel, or what your options are after a sexual assault. Please know that you’re not alone. Below are some things to keep in mind. If you are in immediate danger or seriously injured, call 911.

1) Your safety is important. Are you in a safe place? If you’re not feeling safe, consider reaching out to someone you trust for support. You don’t have to go through this alone.

2) What happened was not your fault. Something happened to you that you didn’t want to happen—and that’s not OK.

3) Contact Haven House at 1-800-440-4633. You’ll be able to speak to an advocate about what happened to you and all our services are free and confidential. Our advocates will listen to you, let you know what the available options are, allow you to make your own decisions, and be with you if you decide to seek medical attention or report to police.

4) Get proper medical attention. Whether or not you decide to
report to police, we suggest to get examed for potential STIs and
physical trauma. Haven House does have a variety of resources to help with medical costs associated with sexual assault exams. It is best not to shower or bath following a sexual assault, and to bring an extra set of clothes with you to the hospital. This will help preserve evidence if you decide to press charges against the rapist then or in the future.

When you call Haven House, a staff member will walk you through the process of getting help at your own pace. Our team of advocates can also accompany you to medical appointments or if you decide to report to police. Our offices also offer a confidential place to report to police so you won’t have to go to the police station.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?

Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence, describes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner and can occur across the lifespan to victims of all ages, including older adults. An intimate partner is a person with whom one has a close personal relationship that can be characterized by: emotional connectedness and regular contact; ongoing physical contact and sexual behavior; identity as a couple; and familiarity and knowledge about eachother’s lives. Perpetrators include spouses and former spouses, current or former partners, or another individual with whom the victim has an ongoing, personal relationship. The problem occurs in all communities, and affects people regardless of socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Although most victims are female, men can be harmed, too.

Generally, abusers use a pattern of coercive tactics, such as isolation, threats, intimidation, manipulation, and violence, to gain and maintain power over their victims. Often they tell their victims where they can go, whom they can see, and how they can spend their money—in other words, control their decisions. Some abusers use their role and power to financially exploit their victims. Others feel that they are entitled to get their way because they are the “head of the household,” or because they are younger and physically stronger than their victim is.

Some experts view late-life domestic violence as a sub-set of the larger elder abuse problem. Elder abuse, broadly defined, includes physical, sexual and emotional abuse, financial exploitation, neglect and self-neglect, and abandonment. The distinctive context of domestic violence in later life is the abusive use of power and control by a spouse/partner or other person known to the victim in a close, personal way.

Sometimes life changes as you grow older can lead to an increase in abuse in unhealthy relationships. There is no excuse for abuse. If you believe that you or someone you may know may be experiencing abuse in your relationship you can speak to an advocate today. All services are free and confidential and you get to make the decisions about your relationship.
Please call 1-800-440-4633.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?

Imagine being called stupid and worthless, everyday, every time you do something. Imagine being in public while being yelled at and getting called names. A victim feels as if they have two choices: either sit there and continue being yelled at, or listen to the abuser and obey their threats. Imagine always feeling like you want to disappear or you have to “watch your back.” Victims feel most alone at those exact times.

Did you know that females between 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of dating violence? 1 in 4 teens in a relationship say they have been called names, harassed, or belittled. Dating violence involves a pattern of behavior in which one person uses threats, or physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse to control his/her partner. Most people don’t realize how common dating violence actually is. It doesn’t always happen immediately and sometimes signs are hard to see or notice, especially when you are the one in the situation. Victims of dating violence believe that the abuse is normal (usually because their friends are being abused too). Victims also believe that their partner’s jealousy and possessiveness is “romantic.” This is because the attention they receive from those actions, even though it is in a negative manner. An abuser believes that they have the right to control their partners, demand intimacy, and that they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their significant other. Not only is dating violence detrimental to someone, it can also increase one’s risk of substance abuse, suicide, sexual risk behaviors, or unhealthy weight.

There are many do’s and don’ts when assisting someone in need. Most people don’t realize their comments or judgments towards the victim might only influence or hurt them more. Anyone can be a victim.

Things You Can “Do” to Help Dating Violence Victims
-Let them know that no one deserves to be abused
-Let them know they’re not alone
-Express concern for their safety
-Help them find support

One of the most common questions people ask is “Why don’t they leave?” Leaving is not only scary, but can also be dangerous. That is why the “do’s” are so important. While following the “do’s”, be very cautious not to tell the victim what to do. In order to stay safe, there are safety plans for dating violence. These plans include but are not limited to: knowing signs of abuse and watching for them, saving messages on cell phones of the threatening behavior, avoiding drinking and drug use, and having a support system.

With 2016 almost finished, and 2017 close on its heels, Haven House received a wonderful donation of a used car to aid one of their clients. Haven House offers free & confidential services for individuals affected by domestic & sexual violence. Haven House services the 5 Counties of Northeast Nebraska, including Cedar, Dakota, Dixon, Thurston, & Wayne Counties.

“The donation of this car comes at a pivotal time for one of our clients. This will help them as they reestablish their life. It will help them get to their job, doctors visits, and other critical appointments. We are so thankful for this donation and all of our donors.” Amy Munderloh, the new director of Haven House said.

Haven House is a registered non-profit and all donations to Haven House are tax-deductible. If you are desiring to donate monetarily or with used cars or other types of materials, feel free to contact Haven House to find out what we are in need of. Call us at 402-375-5433 or visit online at www.havenhousefsc.com.

Haven House has been providing free and confidential services to
domestic violence and sexual assault survivors since 1978.
This includes everything from providing a safe place to stay in our emergency shelter
to helping survivors reestablish their own households.

We can only do what we do, because of the support of great people like you.
Would you help us to help survivors and consider donating $5, $10, or $20?