Rape happens. If it seems imminent, realize that you have choices. If you can get free from the perpetrator, you must decide if you can break free safely. If it is impossible to get free of a potential rapist, or your life is threatened, and there seems to be no other choice, you must choose to handle the rape. While it's happening you must not let the attacker take your mind, heart and soul along with your body. While it is to be hoped that you will never experience this, if you do, realize that you can get through this.

Steps

Part 1

Building up your general mental defenses

1

Note that this article is about helping you to think about the impossible in the spirit of being prepared rather than assuming it'll never happen to you. In a perfect world, rape would never happen. In our imperfect world, developing a mental coping strategy that draws on your inner strength is a way of readying yourself for unexpected confrontation. Learning self-defense is one strategy, and learning mental defense is another (indeed, both would be good to learn in tandem). It is not about acceptance of rape or expectation of it; it is about being prepared should the worst ever happen, acknowledging ahead of time that you have what it takes to survive. Knowing how to cope by being mentally prepared may protect you in the darkest of times.

2

Practice being at peace in your life when difficult events occur. When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, use the opportunity to slow down the breath. Find skills online to help you to learn how to handle your breathing so that destressing in a safe way becomes second nature.

Research meditating, and releasing thoughts when your sense of things becomes too much.

3

Learn an array of coping skills aimed at confrontational situations. There are many skills you can develop, if you are willing to accept that difficult events will occur, and that to be ready to meet them, you must practice how you will respond. If you do not, the natural fear state and reactive nature will put you into a heightened state of anxiety and inability to calmly cope with the situation.

Part 2

Coping during a rape

1

Protect your inner self. If the choice has been made, that the rape must occur, and there seems to be no way out from the grips of a violent person, then the only way out is through. You must then go through this experience, as uncomfortable, threatening, dangerous, and demoralizing as it is.

Tell yourself: "They may force my body to their will, but they will not take my soul, my dignity, my morality, and they certainly will not take my spirit."

2

Think yourself as a survivor. This too will pass. The minutes, even hours, will end and you will be sexually freed, at last. In the meantime, during this event no one should ever have to endure, you can choose where your mind goes. You can be set free in your mind. Your heart can soften and your breathing can slow down. You will not enjoy it: you are being forced against your will and it is an act of violence. But you will survive. And live on. Calm down and recognize it in the moments that seem to take everything you have, so as to be able to endure it. Rape is awful, but you are as prepared as you can be.

3

Rely on your coping skills. If, heaven forbid, there is a person who, for whatever reason they justify in their head, sexually abuses you or actually penetrates your private space and rapes you, you will not unnecessarily panic if you have coping skills that kick into play.

Calmly use your head and evaluate your options.

If there are none, and the deed is carried out, you will handle the process. Know this. Believe this. Ask for help from your Higher Power, if you believe there is one. Believe that there can be angels summoned to help you get through this, if you can choose to believe that they are there for you. The authors of this article and all of the billions of victims of rape throughout the centuries are there in Spirit. You will be okay.

Part 3

Finding the safe place in your mind

1

Change the state of your thoughts. To prepare to handle rape, you have chosen to read this, you have calmly recognized that it's relatively common. It is never okay. It is control and force over another's freedom, it is violence. In the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, and in the movie "Life is Beautiful," there is a comparison to the losing of all freedoms by the Jewish captives in the death camps, held against their will and made to endure unspeakable hardships for long periods of time until starvation, illness or death came. Some were released, at last, when the war ended. Those that thrived and survived had created a haven in their minds. They looked at life positively and were grateful for the smallest of blessings. They were able to string together difficult moments by changing the state of their thoughts.

If, as a victim of rape, you change your cognition (your thoughts), you can soften the blow of whatever is happening in your life. Rape does not have to be the worst thing in the world, though it may feel that way. It is not fair. It is your body and your most sacred possession is the temple within, which is the place that begins the genesis of new life. It is a bonding and sacred experience to have sexual intercourse with a partner. Still, if this precious gift is taken beyond your will, it does not have to take everything out of you and shut you down forever. You will live on.

Part 4

Coping beyond the rape

1

Love yourself, be soft with yourself, forgive yourself. The rape is not your fault. Forgive yourself for any difficult, confusing thoughts that may come. There can be so many challenging feelings and considerations, both during and after rape, for minutes, hours, days and even years to come. In some cases, you may bury the event, only to have it surface many months or years later, bringing forth a rush of hidden emotion and fear.

Find help. Help is available. Get help quickly. Follow all the well-documented tips for self care after rape, such as calling the police, going to the hospital before you shower, pulling together some kind of support group. For more information, read How to report a rape and How to cope in the aftermath of a rape.

Do whatever feels right and do not give into fear and self-doubt. You are powerful, brave, strong and can do hard things! You can survive possibly the most disgusting and evil act that one can inflict upon another.

2

Do not give in to those who blame, shame or otherwise denigrate you. Whether there is something you did or did not do that could have changed the course of what happened, is something you can discuss with a trusted friend or therapist. All of the mixed emotions swirling in your head will be very individualized for you. Find the support groups that can help you make sense of this, and help you to feel peace. Choose to love yourself and speak to yourself with kind words, gratitude, hope and look forward to bright moments ahead.

3

Take a pen and a paper and write. Write down every last thought. Tell your private paper how you feel. Go through the gamut of all the emotions you feel. Anger, rage, self-doubt, hate, and all the many things you think and feel. Tell the one who violated you how you feel. Tell yourself how you feel.

4

Reach out to help others survive. When you are finally, ultimately ready... maybe months or even years later, if ever, tell yourself what you are grateful for about this once-unbearable event. If it comes, you do. If there is not a sense of anything you learned, then you consider it. Maybe one day you will smile, feel an iota of gratitude or be able to think maybe you developed a stronger sense of things. Why? Because then you can be freed at last and be able to help another who suffers still, from the unthinkable––rape.

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Tips

Take a deep breath when it is over. It is over. The physical act is over. Now healing must begin, when you are ready.

Begin to smile as soon as you can. Go into a bathroom, quietly, and look at your face. Force the corners of your mouth to upturn with your fingers. It will come naturally again, later.

Warnings

If the rape experience happened with someone whom you know, the person may deny it was non-consensual or may claim that it never happened. In this case, you know the truth and let this be the guide for you to take the course of action that best supports your own recovery.

This article contains the opinions of an author who has experienced rape. These are not official, psychological advertisements. These experiences are likely to be different from yours, if you are ever raped. It is hoped are that you never are. But if you are, this article is a way of helping you to realize that you are not alone and that there is a way forward for you that involves feeling whole again.

Post-rape can be a very dangerous time. Get away from the person as soon as it is safe to do so, then report it to the police or get help from a doctor, friend, or someone else in whom you have absolute trust.