Tag: essay

Casual intimacy in my relationship is not an uncommon thing. We share little touches, inside jokes, and looks that only we can read, among many other little gestures. We cuddle just for the sake of cuddling. We kiss gently for no reason other than to share a kiss. We cook together in a tiny kitchen that is barely big enough for two. Basically, our intimacy is part of our every day life.

This creates a strong feeling of closeness and togetherness that is, in my opinion, often better than any sex we could have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the sex, it’s great, but it is the little things that are the glue that keeps us together.

And the effect that those little intimacies has means that when I am craving touch and perhaps my partner hasn’t thought about it I can say to them, “Hey, come cuddle with me.” Sometimes it leads to more and sometimes it doesn’t. And it is OK either way it happens to go. But it makes us better and stronger. It is also a great help because we suffer from mismatched libidos and sometimes I want something more than they do or they aren’t up for sex at all. We compromise and find other ways to satisfy that intimacy, even if it means my partner getting me off or holding onto me while I get myself off.

And now we’re getting into more than just causal intimacy I suppose, but when you’ve been together for a period of time doesn’t everything become kind of casual? Sex isn’t always perfect. You might laugh mid-orgasm and break the mood a little. Things might go sideways somehow; you never know what might happen when you engage in sex. Perhaps you haven’t shaved you legs in a few days, but your partner isn’t going to care all that much because they love you and care for you and want to share an intimate experience with you.

Ultimately, everything from tiny kisses to murmured “I love yous” is going to bring a couple closer together in some way. It’s part of sharing and building a life together, part of caring for another person. The effects of intimacy on a relationship cannot be overstated as anything other than a good thing.

Conversely, what about the lack of that intimacy in a relationship? I’ve been on both sides of the coin, you see, and the sheer lack of touch and affection left me starved for it. Even now I crave it sometimes simply because I need it, other times because it feels like an approval of me and who I am and that I am lovable. Lacking intimacy in a personal relationship breed resentment and fear and eventually it can lead to a complete and total breakdown of the relationship itself.

When this happens you can try couples counseling or trying reintroducing intimacy slowly back into your lives, but it must be done carefully so as to not upset the delicate balance you and your partner are trying to achieve, which is a happy medium that you can both live with, particularly if one partner isn’t terribly affectionate to begin with. Sadly, it isn’t always possibly to do so and the relationship fails through no one’s fault, but merely a lack of emotional and physical intimacy.

Because this emotional and physical intimacy is so important to keeping a happy and thriving relationship alive, it must be worked on and nurtured and almost become second nature to you and to your partner. Always take a moment to give them that kiss or hug, make sure they know that they are a priority in your life and your relationship will be all the richer for it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you think there’s no such thing as sex bots you are sadly mistaken. They are quite expensive, but are slowly growing in popularity in various parts of the world. Some are even programmable to respond to certain stimuli or to have a base “personality” that can affect how they respond to that stimuli. To me, it is all a little strange because I’d much rather have sex with a living breathing person, but that’s just me. Sex robots could also be used as an educational tool to provide better and more comprehensive sexual education to children and adults alike.

There are plenty of legal and ethical questions surrounding sex dolls though, one of the biggest seeming to be the idea that pedophiles could get child size bots that allows them to act out their fantasy without hurting anyone. I offer a counterpoint to this that perhaps it could make them more likely to chase after a child they desire because they are now confident enough to do so with some “experience” under their belt so to speak. I worry the same thing about rapists or other sexual deviants. But maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

Another point to bring up is that of social isolation. Would people become so obsessed with their bots that interacting with the real world would no longer matter. Would the dating scene be demolished by the advent of such a thing? What about birth rates? Again it all boils down to what becomes the legal and ethical thing to do in these cases.

Maybe in fifty years people will find it perfectly normal to have a sex robot of any kind. But how will that affect things like marriage and population growth? Could it be that they will both decline as people create their perfect robot partner? Or perhaps people will marry after all and have threesomes with a robot. All of these things are, of course, hypothetical outcomes, as people may end up rejecting the idea of sex with robots as entirely repugnant.

But where does the law end and the ethical debate begin. There are people out there who would question the legality, mortally, and ethics of having a bot simply for sex. It might seem to be too much for one generation where they had to learn the technology as they went, but perfect for the next generation who grew up with the technology already in place around them. That doesn’t make it legal or right to have sex with a robot necessarily, especially as our knowledge of artificial intelligence grows and the possibility of bots becoming more aware (right out of some science fiction right there), but some AIs have already learned to communicate with one another in their own language so who is to say that these bots couldn’t be just as smart.

This could be out future and what that future means for humanity is yet to be determined. I have hope for future generations, though, that they will not isolate themselves in a world of robots and artificial intelligence, but use these things as an addition to regular everyday life while they continue to maintain a human social experience as well. If you’d like further information you can check out the article linked below.

This article is based off of a Ted Talk given by Peggy Orenstein regarding how young women see themselves and their sexual experiences and pleasure. The link can be found here.

Understanding consent is a vital part of growing up and dealing with the amount of sexual assault and rape culture in today’s society, particularly on college campuses. Young people must understand the ground rules of consent. This requires open honest discussion about what “yes.” means and what happens afterwards. There is a feeling of entitlement to engage in sexual behavior, but not a feeling of the idea that women could enjoy it.

Many young women describe their earliest sexual encounter as not responsible or enjoyable and often not even reciprocal. One young woman didn’t realize that her smart, strong image didn’t include sex. These young people are engaging in other behaviors like oral sex, instead of traditional penis in vagina sex, because often girls will provide the oral sex in order to avoid a situation that they don’t want to be in or as a form of protection. Young men or boys seldom reciprocate, but will expect a blowjob in lieu of sex.

Because there has always been a shadow cast over the female genitalia where they were made to feel dirty or unclean this creates a feeling of shame that is almost an indoctrination of the evils of female genitals. At the same time they are taught that their genitals are sacred. Studies show that this can lead to many young women removing most or all of their pubic hair, because they feel cleaner, or because they feel it can be humiliating because young guys might be (or are likely to be compared to older men) grossed out and would talk poorly about them. As this trend of shaving has risen is has the trend of labiaplasty in teenage girls. This is not a medically indicated procedure as a rule and can include side effects such as scarring, numbness, and diminished sexual sensation. It can also be problematic simply because it isn’t a part of a young girls sexual knowledge in many cases because, as you’re read more below, young women simply aren’t taught about the anatomy of their genitalia.

A psychologist at the University of Michigan posited the idea of intimate justice has political and personal effects on both partners. This theory raises issues about inequality, health, and violence among other thing. So who is entitled to engage and enjoy a sexual experience? The speaker kept coming back to the idea that the earliest sexual experiences they have aren’t things to “get over.” Women will use their sexual experiences to say that if their male partner is satisfied then so are they. Young men judged good sex on their own orgasms.

If sexual encounters are defined by young women with the words depressing, humiliating or degrading, and in almost 30% of sexual encounters women report pain during it, what does that say about the education for young women and men when it comes to sex ed? We can and should be doing better to provide education for these young people so they can go into their future and be able to make informed decisions, regarding consent, sexual activity, and help them define the parameters of that sexual encounter in a way that allows both partners to receive pleasure from the act. This is something that is important for a person’s entire life, not just as randy college students finding out who they are from a sexual standpoint.

Wanting your partner to be happy is not a bad thing or feel close to them, but there are many other ways to experience sexual pleasure or to enrich a relationship such as intimate touch or simple cuddling. An orgasm isn’t the only measure of happiness and the absence of pain should not be the bar for your own sexual happiness as a woman. Instead she should be able to have a pain free consenting encounter that gives her and her partner pleasure, that may or may not include orgasm.

“Parents of female children go right from navel to knees” and often skip explaining their genitals to them. It again, goes back to being ashamed of the female sex. And when sex education comes into play, boys are told about erections and ejaculation, where girls aren’t taught about how their sex organs work, but instead about periods and unplanned pregnancy; the idea of the vulva or clitoris is never mentioned. I know when I was a child that was the stereotype that I was taught. And it created something of a “psychological clitoraldectemy.” Not knowing how one’s sexual organs function is a problem and it can mean that many girls and young women don’t begin to learn their bodies or masturbate in a healthy way. This is a problem in their adult life, when these young women realize they have no idea what they want from sex or how they get pleasure from sex. I feel like this is part of why many young women say that hey are satisfied if their (typically male) partner reaches orgasm

In same sex encounters there is no orgasm gap and that is a liberating feeling that lets them work out their own scenarios of intercourse that don’t necessarily fall inside the norm. This gives gay girls a wholly different perspective on their sexuality and not having sexual intercourse for the reason of shedding their virginity. Some of them define their loss of virginity by achieving their first partnered orgasm.

Thinking of sex as something organic and not rushing towards a goal means that thing like intimacy, sensual touch, a pool of experiences of desire and touch and arousal. Sex must be talked about and normalized into everyday life in order to make those things OK. A study from a both a Dutch and American university had wildly varying results because the Dutch students were taught from an early age about sex and pleasure. American parents framed such conversations as risky or dangerous behavior. The Dutch children were taught more about consent and responsibility and enjoying themselves. The conclusion drawn here is simply that being more open and forthcoming about sex and sexuality with your children is going to lead to (gasp) them being more responsible and get more enjoyment out of sex. It needs to become far less of a taboo topic.

Hopefully, eventually a young girl can see her sexuality and revel in her sensuality instead of being afraid of the risks of sex, such as disease or violence, not to mention unwanted pregnancy. These girls have a voice and should be demanding that intimate justice for their own lives. Making the entire country more aware or sex positive could lead to better protections for assault victims and a happier, healthier sexual culture where young women or men aren’t afraid to come forth about what they need or want regarding their sexuality.

In my first fat and sexy post I indicated that I could be fat and sexy at the same time. And I knew that was true, but what I hadn’t realized was how little I really believed in the idea that fat and sexy go together. That was especially true when my clothes came off. Dressed I can wear clothing like armor and in the right outfit I can forget that I’m fat, I can be sexy. If I was feeling really down on my body I would try harder than usual to keep it covered, even from my partner. Staying dressed all day, changing quickly in the dark bedroom, diving under blankets at bedtime so I couldn’t be seen, so my fat was hidden. Never mind that they have already seen me naked more times than I can count. Sometimes bad days are bad days I guess.

More exercise has helped and I continue to be motivated to exercise because I’m trying to reach goals that I set for myself. Being stronger is one of my big goals. Being smaller or skinnier is, to an extent, a lesser goal, but a goal nonetheless. I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to shop in the men’s department for t-shirts. And I’m getting there, slowly.

But recently, I had a huge revelation. My partner and I were cuddling in bed after sex (Yes, fat people have sex too) and they were holding me tightly against them, just where I like to be, and said to me,”You’re beautiful and I love you.” Now this may seem incredibly insignificant to most people. It is something a lover would say. It is something that mine has often said to me over the years we have been together. For the longest time I never believed hearing that I was beautiful or gorgeous was the truth. I would heavily discount those words as nothing more than words. I couldn’t understand how they could possibly apply to me. Yet, for whatever reason, that night, no different from any of the other times we’ve shared a bed or cuddled or made love, I actually believed them. My partner said something to me that for years I’ve struggled to accept and finally it seems to have sunk into my head.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t automatically make me ugly, unworthy, or undesirable. It just means I’m fat. And obviously people see that. But what people don’t see is the truth that my partner is teaching me. They’re not saying I’m beautiful because I’m fat, they’re not putting qualifiers on the idea that being thinner would make me more beautiful; they are simply telling me what they see when they look at me.

And if what my partner sees is beauty, then who am I to contradict them and disbelieve them. I know what I look like in my own eyes and I will probably always struggle with that, but I can never tell what someone else will see when they look at me. And I need to learn to let those insecurities go and trust the person who loves me most. I think having it sink into my head that they honestly find me beautiful is the first step to making that change. So here I am.

There were rumors everywhere that a resistance was coming. Politics mirrored the years of 2017 and later. Things existed on a much more uncertain scale. Since about 2025 women had become more and more marginalized. But there were more women than ever who were willing to rise up and fight. Plans were made and secrets were shared. The few women who were in power worked to lend aid to the movement that only wanted to be treated with decency and compassion, the way they wanted the world to be treated.

Eventually it all came to a head. Someone assassinated the president and a week the later as the former Vice President assumed his new role he was shot as well. There were searches for the killer(s), but no one was ever caught or convicted. This gave the Women’s Resistance something they could work with and immediately groups all over the country began pushing and protesting for more, amid the chaos of Washington. Men all over the country felt incredibly threatened by these protests and took to trying to shut them down with any means they could think of. The individual states themselves were trying to throw women in jail, but law enforcement wasn’t enough to cease the burgeoning crowds. The military, for reasons unknown, refused to get involved and shortly after that one of the few female politicians stood up in all of this craziness and simply told her fellow Americans that she was taking over the role of President so “this country would finally have the leadership it deserved.” And President Hailey Anderson did just that. She implemented basic laws for women’s reforms and healthcare, stuck down many which had been a large part of the marginalization of women and was determined to drive the country’s progress back in lime with the rest of the world’s.

Don’t think this all happened so quickly though it seemed it did, especially to the children, it was a process and one that the women of the U.S. spearheaded with single minded determination and grit. Suddenly it seemed, women were the majority rule and the men who fought back with violence were jailed. In the near future they would be termed breeder’s and certain women among the bunch would be paired with them as punishment for laws broken or abuse of their children or any other reason that the courts deemed reasonable to do so. Those men and women became outcasts and lived in their own isolated communities. Babies born of these couples were often given up for adoption because they couldn’t care for them properly or because they didn’t want them. Times passed and these small towns became less isolated, but no less shunned. The women got access to birth control and some even were able to leave the breeders (read: men) and become part of society again. Others choose to stay with their male partners. As all of this was happening there was a major cultural shift toward having female partners, sexual or not, and it suddenly became the normal thing. Some men who happened to be gay, dared to leave the small towns and come forward, typically with a partner. They were accepted slowly into the society of women because the women felt that these particular men posed no threat. Sure there were imposters, but it took little time to ferret them out and send them to prison since they were clearly unfit even to be a breeder.

Many of the children given up by those male/female pairs were adopted and they knew it and were raised in a normal, caring home as a general rule. Not everything was perfect, but the lack of men in the government, in official positions, and generally in polite society meant that women were more able to work together to get things with the countries politics sorted out. That’s when the MBI was finally approved, the social welfare systems were improved for the first time in about seventy years and, things began to look up. Many other heavily female populated countries were starting to look to the United States as a model and did their best to learn from what they had implemented.

Mischa had been a young child when all this happened, not quite old enough to understand all of the politics, but old enough to know that her father was considered to be unfit to be a larger part of society. Since she was closer to her mother (Nancy) she always felt like her father was a mere presence in and out of her life. She didn’t miss him much when he was sent away, although she knew Mom cried herself to sleep some nights.

Eventually most baby boys were sent out to the small breeder towns shortly after birth to be cared for and raised there. The ones that weren’t were expected to (somehow) find a male partner and settle down young and make a life for themselves, well before they could be considered a threat to the female-centric society. This meant that they often settled down well before a young women might and often worked menial jobs to try and put themselves through some kind of extra schooling and work something beyond a menial job. For most of them it failed and they lived on the outskirts, but were not shunned as the breeders were. The more money their parents had, the better their life was likely to be. It wasn’t exactly fair to any of the gay men in this current world, but it was still better than their alternative.

As things settled down and everyone assumed the routines that they were expected to have, the world continued to move along at its usual pace and the only that ever seemed to change was the time. Society became sleepy again and calm, like it was hundreds of years ago. The only constant underneath it all was the idea that one day men would try to retake the country and undo everything these women had worked so hard for. But after years of peace would they really want to give that up? There was even beginning to be talk about gradually giving men more rights and maybe integrating them into society in small ways. Only time would tell at that point.

And as Mischa comes of age we understand more about the history of the Women’s Party uprising that occurred before she was quite old enough to understand it all. She’s happily married now and living her best life with Lauren.

And in case you missed last week’s Wicked Wednesday post you can find it here.

I’m a little kinky, my partner isn’t at all. And we knew this going into our relationship. At first I was afraid to talk to my partner because I’ve been shamed in the past for my sexual desires, kinky or not. So that was the first hurdle to overcome. To help me out, my partner offered frequent reassurance that it was OK to talk to them and would often ask me if I wanted to talk about it in a very non-pressuring kind of way. Eventually I began to open up.

And we started talking about things like fisting, being tied up, being spanked, being called names and the like. The more I talked about it the easier it got. That’s not to say that it is easy, because even four and a half years in, I still find it somewhat difficult (yay for my deep seated issues!) and sometimes I clam up at the simple mention of what they can do for me to make our sex life better. But we work through it and we both talk about our wants and needs and fears, not just about our sex life, but about everything in our lives.

That makes us stronger together than we are apart. My partner knows what I want, I know what I can reasonably expect to happen based on our conversations and we go from there. Sometimes things don’t go perfectly, other times everything is beyond perfection. It is all about timing and keeping the lines open. We even talk during sex about what is going on and working, what could be better, and what I do or don’t want at any given moment in time. And that can change and 5 minutes later I can want something I have just said no to. That’s OK.

My regular readers know what a high value I place on communication in a relationship and the same holds true here. It took me sometimes to work through past issues and trauma, but once I got there and got to a point where I figured if my partner could see me naked then I could probably talk to them about anything I wanted to do or try when it comes to our sex life. I would beat around the bush cause I was nervous (who doesn’t sometimes?) and finally just come out with whatever was on my mind. I’ve never gotten a disgusted reaction, although I have gotten some let me think about replies and maybe I’ll get a hard no one of these days. It’ll be OK. As individuals we are both entitled to say no just like we are to say yes.

That yes/no dialogue often drives our discussions and will shape them into organic conversations that grown on their own, naturally, and gives us time to stop and pause before responding. And if the words don’t come out right we can always rewind things and try again. I think that last bit is really the secret to sharing what I want with my partner. Words aren’t set in stone but in fluid motion,

So when I first started exploring kink, safewords were one of the first things I learned about. I didn’t learn, though, that in the heat of a moment, you can forget your safeword and it resulted in a bad experience for me. Despite the person I was playing with being my husband I never engaged in that sort of play with him again, chiefly because he ignored all the other signs that I wanted him to stop, all because I blanked out on my safeword. So we had this plan of how things would go and it all went completely wrong. Suffice to say I was black and blue when I wasn’t ready for anything that intense.

Ever since then I’ve made certain that I had a safeword, even if I struggle to keep it in my head because the action that’s occurring is so intense for me. Sometimes a safe signal may also be appropriate is the subject is bound and gagged. Personally I hate being gagged so this hasn’t ever come up for me. However, I have gone non-verbal during a scene and I think that is a time when a safe signal may have been good for me to have had. I think the topic is worth discussing with my partner.

With the relationship I am in now I do have a safeword, that I picked from a book based on a scene from said book and have used it. It is likely that at some point I will use it again. The first time I safeworded I felt like I had let my partner down and I honestly was in tears and never wanted to use my safeword again. I felt as though I had failed somehow. It took some doing and a long talk with them to reassure me that everything was OK. For the record, I still don’t like using my safeword, but I also know that my safety and his comfort are both paramount to how, when, and how often we play. If that trust between us were to be damaged because I didn’t safeword or he went too far and ignored it, I can’t imagine the harm that could do to us mentally or to our relationship.

My partner and I also use red,yellow, green to check in so sometimes my safeword immediately changes to red. At first I expected to dislike the red, yellow, green as I felt like it was…I don’t know, perhaps too simplistic, but believe me when I say that I’ve come to appreciate it very much. Those words can sometimes be easier to recall than a safeword in the heat of the moment.

In addition to a regular safeword, plus the colors, my partner is also very observant of my wants and needs and can tell when I’m getting close to that too much is too much line and will stop to check in with me or just stop entirely. Every time we engage in an activity that requires a safeword, we verify it before we play and then things can progress from there. Overall, I feel that for me, in my relationships safewords are a necessary part of any kinky, or not kinky, fuckery. Listen to your body, trust the person you’re playing with, and don’t be like me and afraid to use your safeword.