When authorities searched the home of Rebecca Margaret Johnson following her attempted theft of nearly $2,500 AUD from a Big W department store in Queensland, Australia, they discovered a treasure trove of stolen video games. Over the course of a year the 32-year-old single mother of three had swiped more than 515 video games and various bits of electronic equipment from local retailers.

Her diabolical crime spree raises an important question: Why can't she be my mom?

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The obvious answer is that she's 32 and I'm 39, so the math just doesn't add up. Not like the $7, 290 AUD (not that much more in U.S. dollars) in items she purloined from Ipswitch area Wal-Mart, Target and K-Mart stores between January 2011 and February 2012.

And then there's the whole getting arrested thing. In February authorities caught Johnson heading out of a Big W with a cart filled with clothes, computer equipment, and various bits of expensive friffery. I'm a firm believer that the Mother-of-the-Year award be revoked upon getting nicked by the cops. I don't make the rules, kids, but I've got to play by them.

Johnson recently plead guilty in Ipswich Magistrates Court to 41 counts of stealing, fraud and possessing tainted property, the latter also referred to as the Australian Soft Cell law by people that know nothing about the Australian law process other than the fact that their court houses, as Luke Plunkett pointed out, are quite lovely.

It's like getting sentenced in the future!

Speaking of space-aged sentencing, with no previous criminal record Johnson was sentenced to two years' probation and 200 hours community service. For some reason Australia seems to have a soft spot for criminals.

Oh come on, I am just kidding. Mostly.

And so the best mom ever because the most irritable mother ever that's constantly looking for people to watch the kids while she picks up trash and helps battle Australia's giant desert spiders. She may have learned a valuable lesson — I don't really care. All that matters here is that for one glorious year, Johnson was the mother I hope my wife turns out to be after I mysteriously disappear in two years.

Wait, what's this?

Johnson, 32, spent between January 2011 and February 2012 stealing mainly video games from Target, Big W and K-mart and would pawn them.