Now I’ve had a spray tan before, you get naked, spread some lotion on the rough parts, put a net on your hair and strike a series of Egyptian poses in a booth with a bunch of spray guns aimed at your bare pale flesh.

This last weekend I figured, “Hey! I’d like to buy myself a tan!” So I found a local joint in my new town, exfoliated and set out.

When she led me back to the room I went over the checklist in my head.

Lock on the door? Check.

Hairnet? Check.

DHA smell? Check.

Lotion…no…hmm.

Booth…check…wait….no sprayers…NO SPRAYERS IN THE BOOTH.

no check….NO CHECK!!!

Just then the nice lady informed me that I was to strip down to my underpants, position myself just so in the sprayerless booth, knock on the wall and she’d come back in.

SHE’D COME BACK IN.

SHE WAS THE SPRAYER.

HER. WITH EYEBALLS.

My face drained of color and was then replaced with a pink flush.

“Um, so, I feel like I should introduce myself since we’re about to, well, you’re about to see me really naked. Hi. I’m Casey, I like to take pictures, I have a few tattoos. I like cats more than dogs. I used to be fat!”

She was even more embarrassed that I had no idea that she was going to be the one doing the work.

When I lived in The South my 20 something niece came to visit mmy 30 something self and I decided to spring for spray tans for both of us pasty girls. I decided to do the in person one because when you aren’t so slender, the spray booths sometimes miss lines on the sides of your girth.

I didn’t know they were going to do both of us at once, or that we’d have to strip down to our panties. I now know my niece way better than I ever thought I’d know her.

I’ve never had a spray tan. I think it’s cause while I’m okay with people seeing me naked in order to tan my gorgeous hide, I’d have to lift the fat flaps and that seems awkward (and is also sometimes referred to as exercise, and a spray tan booth is not a gym.)

I’ve done the in person spray tan twice and the booth one once. You get WAY better results in person. I have no modesty anymore – I just get nekkid and lift my boobies UP and bend my knees DOWN and get happy.

Oh yes, I have done this. Except I knew in advance it was done by a person (which I’ve heard is better than the booth). The first time I wore a swimsuit and had the most awful lines humanly possible. So the next time I went sans top and felt just horrible, kept apologizing. She said, “No worries, honey! Most girls don’t even wear bottoms!” Which is just shocking, really, considering all of the Egyptian poses!

I went tanning last week in a regular bed. Usually I go nude, but decided to wear underwear this time. After I got out I was wiping my sweat off and the girl who gave me the room walked in to clean it! I had locked the door, but apparently not shut it all the way, so it looked as though I had left.. Oops!

I know a 17 year old who just got hired to do this very job. I cannot even imagine. If she’s uncomfortable with the situation, she can have another person come into the booth as well. So which would be worse — one gorgeous 17 year old or one nervous/gorgeous 17 year old with a pal to stand guard?

I was in a playgroup and one of the moms gave spray tan as a side job. She would give discounts and the other mothers would have her tan them. Ummm no thank you. I don’t want to have coffee right after you seen my boobies.

I was once spray tanned by an actual person. Her name was Mary. The whole time I looked down and noticed that her toenails were gross and looks like candy corns attached to toes. I spend my entire tan time attempting not to vomit. But I looked damn good and half humiliated with I left. So there’s that.