“Well, that was a pretty good kick. He’s pretty deep in the end zone; I’ll be really surprised if he even returns it. Oh well, here he comes. What an idiot! We’ve got the whole field covered! He’s not even going to make it to the 15! Wow, nice move, but it’s ok, we have three more guys over there. Well one guy now…shit…he’s so fast. Oh God, what did I do?! Do I kick him? Is that allowed? I don’t even have leg pads on! Ok, don’t panic. I don’t want to get hurt, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll just run near him and when he gets close, I’ll dive on the ground like I was actually trying to tackle him and violently bang my head off the ground.”

Oh sh*t, I finished first.

Wow, that was a fun threesome! It was significantly less awkward than I thought it would be considering my friend and I were having sex with the same girl simultaneously. So, what do you guys wanna do no…oh, you two aren’t finished. I’ll just get dressed…hey, can you move your knee? You’re on my shirt. K, thanks. I’m kind of hungry, I’ll just get something to eat. Hey umm…sorry, I forgot your name, how embarrassing! Do you mind if I have some of these Pop Tarts? Ok well, I’m just gonna have some. Sorry to bother you again, where did you keep the toaster? Hello? Fine. You’re not being a very good host even if your mid-coitus, so I’m just going to leave. Damnit…John! Your car is blocking mine in the driveway.”

Oh sh*t, I have adult braces.

“You know, when everyone was getting braces in middle school, I felt blessed that I didn’t have to get them. In hindsight, I wish I had, because I wouldn’t have them now and I would be happy. It wasn’t like I was getting laid back then anyways; perhaps I would have missed on some make-out sessions, but that wouldn’t have been that bad. Now, you’d think ‘Hey, I’m 40! A lot of things may happen today, but one of them is probably not me getting braces.” Well, you’d be fucking wrong. Would I like some of those Skittles? I actually would, but I can’t, because I have braces and Skittles are on the no-no list. Would I like an apple? Yes, that would be nice, but can you cut them into wedges please? This is really going to improve my already dormant sex life. I’m sure my wife is thinking ‘geez, our sex life became a lot less active after the kids and my husband’s weight gain, but now that he has a bunch of metal in mouth with Cheetos stuck in it like an 8th grader, things are hotter than ever!’ “

Oh sh*t, bad shot.

“WOOOOO! Let’s take shots everyone! Don’t be a pussy dude, take it! Ugh…that did not go down right. Come on, don’t do this…oh god, this is going to happen. Just sneak off to the bathroom, don’t be obvious but be swift. Ahhh…that felt better. Let me just get cleaned up…rinse my mouth out and chew some gum, no one will even notice. Oh, where did I go? Just to the bathroom, no big deal. Why are my eyes watery? Did I yak? No man! I just really had to pee, and I was so relieved when I finally did that I started crying. Let’s do another one!”