THE HEAVENS—Saying He wanted to step back to concentrate on improving His command of the weather, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was planning to take a few millennia to focus on storms. “I just want to set aside a little time and really dedicate myself to making the best storms I can,”…

SAN JUAN, PR—Saying that their fellow countrymen were probably deluged with coverage of their plight, residents of Puerto Rico who have been without power for the last month told reporters Thursday that they could only assume that this crisis had to be the nation’s leading news story. “I mean, I haven’t heard anything…

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them…

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the planet would continue to experience progressively more destructive storms caused by climate change, a group of the nation’s leading climatologists said Wednesday that humanity’s best hope now is for hurricanes spinning in opposite directions to cancel each other out. “At this point,…

AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change. “After visiting communities throughout the state, it’s clear there…

OWENSBORO, KY—Taking all necessary measures to reinforce his cherished beliefs ahead of the impending storm, local climate change denier Michael Dunn reportedly spent Friday battening down his worldview to help weather Hurricane Irma. “This could be the big one that completely destroys my position that climate change…

ORLANDO, FL—Beseeching those individuals remaining on the premises Wednesday to relocate before Hurricane Irma strikes, local officials reportedly drove down Disney World’s Main Street, USA, using vehicle-mounted loudspeakers to plead with any holdout characters to evacuate. “We urge everyone to leave Liberty Square…

MIAMI, FL—Saying the plan was the best option for mitigating the potential damage from the storm, the Coast Guard reportedly towed a decoy of Boca Raton into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on Tuesday in an attempt to lure Hurricane Irma away from land. “After evaluating all available options, we’ve determined that…

BATON ROUGE, LA—As punishing wind and rain from the former Hurricane Harvey made landfall, government officials urged Louisiana residents Wednesday to evacuate dangerous lower income brackets. “Given the extent of the potential destruction, we urge anyone in the path of the storm to make their way to higher median…

WASHINGTON—Alerting residents of the city to take all necessary precautions ahead of the storm surge, officials from the National Weather Service warned Tuesday that Denver was in the direct path of 2037 Hurricane Alba. “According to our 20-year projections, Hurricane Alba will make its way up through the Gulf and…

HOUSTON—Appearing shellshocked as they took in the scenes of devastation around them, Houston residents reportedly emerged from their homes Monday to survey the damage caused by 200 years of rampant, worldwide industrialization. “Oh my God. Everything’s destroyed, everywhere you look,” said visibly stunned citizen…

HOUSTON—Battening down the hatches as the potentially disastrous situation unfolded, Texans braced themselves Friday for President Trump’s response to Hurricane Harvey. “I don’t know how bad it’s going to be, but I’m preparing for the worst,” said resident Jacob Hoyt, echoing the sentiments of millions of residents…

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today. “It’s just going to be regular today,” read a report issued by NASA, which noted that the sky looks pretty much like it always looks right now. “You can check it out if you…

WASHINGTON—Citing the permanent damage that can result from even one second of unfiltered exposure to their ghastly visages, the American Astronomical Society cautioned Americans on Monday not to look directly at the screaming spirits of the damned during the solar eclipse. “We’d like to remind folks to practice…