You never stop coming out (a guest post by Kate T)

I hate the term coming out when it is applied to a transgender person such as myself. I am not coming out of a closet from which I was hiding, but instead I’m dropping the mask I have been holding. I have performed a role that I thought was required of me (a gender role) up until I was no longer able to perform that role. The term “coming out” is what is used, and I will use it here so as not to confuse people.

When people ask me what my coming out story was like I ask, “Which one?” I am continually come out.

Even if I wish not to have to come out again and again, I must. I pass okay – I learned quite a while ago that physical passing has much more to do with confidence than it does with looks (unless you are in intimate conditions). However, my voice still gives me away or even after all this time, a movement or phrase used out of place. It’s funny what will “clock” you.

I think the difference between someone coming out about their sexual orientation vs. someone coming out about their gender identity is that once a sexual orientation is out there, it is less of an issue to tell to new people because you have overcome the initial fear of rejection you may have had, and unless the person you are now telling holds something over you, there is much less fear involved.

Whereas a person coming out to each new person about their gender identity is faced with real fear of rejection, fear of violence, fear of worse – especially if they have had violence occur in their past. For all too many of us, violence has impacted us.

I just turned 52 years old. I socially transitioned at 35, 16 years ago. Living full time as myself, “coming out” to family and friends at that time. I told my immediate family – technically, I think I told my dad a year later because I knew he wouldn’t take it well. I lost my job over it, and ended up finding work in retail. I was immediately outed due to the Federal I-9 form that required you to list all former names, etc. Not that I think I was passing perfectly every day anyway. So over the years, I have come out to employers, employees, co-workers, friends, lovers, relatives, etc.

You would think in the last 16 years, pretty much everyone who is anyone in my life would know. You would think … Well, my father passed away last week.

As I stood in the wake and watched the parade of relatives from his side of the family come through, I realized I only see these people at funerals and weddings, and I don’t attend a lot of funerals. So, there I stood, grief stricken, attempting to explain to a large group of people I have known since childhood, exactly who I was and what I am.

I was coming out one more time. This time on a grand scale. To a group of conservative people (I am one of the younger crowd).

I ended up standing off to the side feeling very much the leper at my own father’s funeral. It was my choice. I could have stood in the receiving line next to my brother, but I did not wish to explain who I was to people I had known since I was a baby.

I guess the point of this post is that you never really stop coming out. Nor does it ever really get any easier, at least not for me. But, we survive it. We move on, and I will tell you now, I am happier as myself than I ever could have been as my father’s son.

Kate T

Byrgen Finkelman

8 Responses

An incredibly eye opening piece. I have been out since the late 70’s and while there is still apprehension about coming out to people I don’t know, the stigma I feel does not compare to having to come out at that level day after day. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and even sorrier that we are forced to live in a society that cannot let one grieve without judgement and vitriol. I often heard “never mind what people think”, and while that sounds empowering, what people think can be denigrating and In Trumps America, what people think can get someone killed. Despite that I commend you and all of us for living our lives openly and as an expression of who we are, it is the best revenge against neanderthals that fear anything not resembling an Ozzy and Harriet episode.

These are scary times for the LGBT community. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish people were more concerned with living their own lives than with the choices of others. The irony is that the conservative position of states rights, and small government applies to most things, just not marriage equality or conversion therapy. Those issues they wish to be legislated from Washington.

My sympathies on the loss of your father. I had a similar experience (from the other side of the issue) at my late uncle’s funeral. Unbeknownst to me my cousin’s daughter has begun living as her true self – a male. It was disconcerting, and awkward. I hope I handled it with SOME grace and made him feel comfortable. It is a difficult situation when you are already dealing with the shock of the loss of a loved one. I know it must have been terribly difficult for him to stand there all evening explaining who he was, and I know some of my relatives (especially those over 80) are still confused as to who the nice young man was. I know I am very proud of my cousin’s strength and courage – I am sure many of your relatives feel the same about you, it is just hard to wrap your head around when you are dealing with other emotions at the same time. I am in awe of the daily struggle you live through & I wish you continued happiness and love in your life.

Thank you Chris. Yes these are difficult times, but we survived Reagan, a previous hostile administration – he actively tried to let AIDS kill off all gay men. We can survive Trump! Just remember the acronym (LGBT, and it’s further additions, QIA) came together under Reagan, we came together for strength. We need to do so again!!

Thank you Jeffery, like I just responded to someone else, we need to recall that the acronym (LGBT) was created under Reagan as a way to bring us together and give us strength. The way we survive Trump is to remember our lessons from Reagan. We survive together, we die alone. Thank you again. Kate T.

Thank you, Justagirl. I always tell people, that we have struggled our whole lives to come to grips with who we are, we cannot expect others to accept us overnight. A funeral is just a difficult time to have to do it. Especially if you hadn’t really thought that much about it beforehand. I mean I knew it was going to happen, but with the grief, the preparation gets thrown out of the window.
Thank you for your perspective, it is much appreciated. Kate T.