The View From Mars: The Right Way to Say No Sex

As a woman I have always been told that I can say no at anytime, even if we are at the height of passion, buck naked and in the bed, and he’s about to reach in that drawer, I can still tell a man STOP! I don’t want to do this. It’s my body, right? Sex is a major act that is worthy of some thought and possibly some indecisiveness depending on the circumstance. But for a man, it has got to be a devastating blow to be told no while issuing the “would you like to get intimate” invitation. Especially, if a woman has been giving him what he perceived to be green lights all evening. I’m not a man so I can’t really say how one feels. I asked fellow author Rickey Teems to give women some insight on how to properly maneuver the no sex zone. I’m on my period is only going to work so many times. So, let’s see what else we can come up with.

No Sex Zone

So you love him. Or, at least like him enough that he has optimistically deduced sex is a real possibility. And like every loyal lottery player knows, “real possibilities,” start as low as .0000000001 percent. Translation: I still gotta chance! But ladies, you know the chance is as slim as winning the power ball – every single time you play. So, how do you convey that isn’t an option without straining the relationship or damaging that proverbial sensitive and sacred jewel, affectionately known as the male ego. You like him, you want him too but just not right now. Maybe you have previously been intimate and you’re just not in the mood, spiritual/moral convictions are more important, or this would be the first time digging in (no pun intended. Well, maybe a little pun). Women have never carried a tougher burden than turning a man down for sex. Not cramping, not fighting for equal pay, not even childbirth compares to the pains and agony of politely and articulately informing a guy, it ain’t gonna happen, bruh! It may seem hard at first – wait, way to insinuate. Getting up for the task – sorry, I did it again (I know these are getting worse than Junior High Sex Ed class). This article will give you simple advice to consider when rejecting his physical advances without damaging the erect, I mean respect! Without damaging the respect. Take these things into account.

#1 We Think About Sex Often

In case you have been living on an island where men don’t exist, you may have heard a cliché or two about how often we, of the male species (timeout for a chest pounding session), tend to think about sex. Some statistics go as far as to say that if breathing were not an automatic function and actually required some focus, 1/5 of all men would probably die from failure to get their minds off sex and onto their lungs! Okay, that’s not a real stat, but it does sound fairly reasonable. Let’s just agree that men think about it more often than it’s even humanly possible to have. Instead of judging us for that, use it to help your understanding of what your up against.

So, if you aren’t ready to go there, say that. That means even if you say, you’re not having sex until you’re in a committed relationship or married, don’t contradict that statement with physical interaction that leads right up to the door way, rings the bell…then takes off running. Actions speak louder than words? Show me don’t tell me? Telling a man you’re not having sex but engaging in a hot and heavy make out session is the equivalent of telling a three year old they can’t have any new toys, then taking them to Toy’s R ‘ Us. You’re begging for repercussions. So if sex is off limits, fine; but so are all of the intimate moments leading up to sex. It’s called foreplay for a reason, because it comes beFORE expectations of sex!

#2 Men Are Visual Creatures

Often times it’s not only the touchy, feely, kissy stimulus that makes your no questionable, visual and audible stimulus can have just as big of an impact. You said no sex, but then you walk around the house in booty shorts. Men see – sexual advertising. You said no sex but you’re talking about how difficult it’s been to stay abstinent. Me hear – sexual salvation! You said no sex because you’re on a business trip five states away. Men hear – phone sex and sexting! I’m not suggesting you avoid bringing the topic up, just that you give consideration to what happens once a fuse is lit. Communicate the parameters of your sexual expectations, and be mindful of mixed messages. This will be critical to not getting his hopes up, and giving him a choice to figure out if he wants to honor those parameters. Yes, the very real scenario exists that some guys are not mature enough to understand relationships, or life in general, without attaching sex and lust to it. But if a guy can’t respect your boundaries, what’s the point of considering him for a serious relationship anyway? He obviously doesn’t understand your value and therefore is not worthy of your most intimate pleasures. And please put some clothes on. You standing there half naked or in a skin tight shirt with leggings while telling us you want to wait just doesn’t compute. Put on that Aunt Jemima headscarf we hate, some granny panties and a house dress. Just kidding.

#3 Give Us Something Else to Think About

Maybe part of the reason he doesn’t understand your value, or even the worth of a woman in general is because no woman has ever showed him. There are a ton of men who equate sex (read: good sex) with their opinions of women. That leads us to tip #3 – engage in a host of non-sexual activities. Not only is sex biological, it is also psychological, emotional, even social when we consider that amount of seductive advertising/programming or even scanty social media pictures. It’s like everything internal and external is screaming – SEX! Despite all these inferences, there still remains a vast world that most of us have yet to even begin to explore. You don’t have to check your bank account and usually within your own city or even household there are number of things you can do for positive interaction that also helps you get to know the person more. In other words, distract him! Don’t waste an evening talking about why you won’t engage in sex. Play some board games, go to a local date night paint night, try a type of food neither of you has ever had, go bike riding, if you have the money, travel! My point is, there is no shortage of activities you can engage in to keep both of your minds off of sex and actually get to know each other. This includes married couples. You’d be surprised how many significant others know so little about their spouse. That usually stems from the euphoria that sex creates, instead of the reality in front of them.

#4 We Will Still WANT Sex But We Do Understand English

Well, that should just about do it. You made it clear that sex isn’t in the cards, you didn’t give any confusing, mixed messages and you found alternatives to keep things interesting and lively. There should be no further complications, right? Wrong! Didn’t you read where I said we’re guys, we always think about sex! Not having any doesn’t mean not thinking about it. Humans (not just men) are animals, and animals have a biological drive to procreate. That means sexual urges will inevitably resurface no matter how expertly you follow the above tips. So what do you do in that situation – be honest. I’m not exaggerating when I say sexual desire can be so overwhelming and distracting that we forget past, present and future in hopes of that elusive five-second finale. So conversations will definitely need to be revisited as to why sex is off the menu. Be genuine with your rationale, BUT, don’t forget to be sensitive to his needs and wants. This isn’t a tug of war over who has better reasoning; this is a healthy conversation about personal preferences. Whether you are saving yourself for marriage or you just had a really tiring week, explain it. It may not subside his desire, but as long as you have consistently made things clear, he has to respect that or he can walk. Yep, that is always an option. There is always some woman, somewhere, willing to say yes after you have said no. Unfortunately some women compromise their standing because of this and for fear of losing a “good” man. Personally, I disagree. Any man not willing to respect your values simply because of sex, would not respect the relationship for long if you did give it up. A man that is controlled by his libido, and not by logic and reason, probably isn’t going to be faithful long anyway. For those already in sexual relationships and we are only talking about designated period of time with no sex, my advice would be to offer a compromise. For example, “I ‘m really tired tonight, so if you let me get a good night’s sleep I’ll be well rested for tomorrow and will -gladly give you (insert your own freaky deaky specialty).”

I Hope I Helped Somebody!

Let me close by saying I commend your resolve to go against the grain and say no when so many women think sex is the path to love. The reality is, they couldn’t be farther from the truth. Sex satisfies lust, not love. I can’t help but wonder if the high failure rate of relationships and marriages stems from having sex before really getting to know the person. I’m sure there is a strong correlation. It may not always be easy to maintain your convictions, but how meaningless would they be if they were easy. When you are saying, NO, you are saying, YES, to something so much bigger and better. It’s called, peace of mind. Don’t get me wrong, sex will be a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, but refraining from sex will help you determine if it is even the right relationship to be in! Countless people are in relationships having sex and miserable because the rest of their relationship is empty. Countless others are having sex, just not with their partner – it’s called infidelity. While there are no guarantees, I truly believe those individuals, who do not let sex dictate their lives, find the most happiness in life. And when you are happy in life, the sex is that much better! So, if you feel the need to let him down, do it gently and compassionately. It doesn’t need to be an argument or debate. It doesn’t need to be disrespectful. If he’s really a keeper, he’ll appreciate that you have standards, and that will give him a chance to know you on more relevant life levels to see what a blessing you are!

About The Guest BloggerRickey Teems II is an acclaimed author, public speaker and Marriage & Family Therapist. His most recent title, “What Kind of Christian Are you?” delves into achieving the purpose and prosperity God has intended for each of us. His novel, “Vegas, Baby!” (Brown Girl Books) is being released Fall 2015. For more information on Rickey or his books, be sure to visit www.noguilebooks.com.