I never told anyone. (triggering)

Well.... I have. Just not in details. But I really need to share this, since I've been keeping it for 12 years.

I was 4 years old when my uncle moved in. My mom told me it was only going to be for a little while.
My uncle had a room in the basement. He took me down there one day. I thought it looked scary, but he told me it wasn't. He lied.
My mom worked all day and my brother was in 2nd grade, so my uncle would pick me up from preschool.

We got home one day and he told me he wanted to 'have fun' in his room.
I had to take off my clothes and pull his pants down. He started touching me and told me he was going to teach me how to play a big girl game. He violently raped me, and it hurt really bad. But I wanted to be a 'big girl' about it. He made me give him oral, and wanted to 'taste my girl parts'. I let him, because I didn't know what he was doing. I was just a kid.

The sexual abuse was a daily occurrence, until I was 6. I was rented out to my uncles 'friends'. It was horrible, and I was scared. I tried not to cry, because my uncle told me only babies cry, and I was a big girl.

He only abused me when my mom and brother weren't home. He would clean up and act like nothing happened when my brother came home from school.
He made me swear not to tell anyone, since it was 'our special game'. I kept my mouth shut. I never talked at school, or told my mom or brother about anything.

I didn't know what he did to me was bad, I thought every girl had to do it. One time when I was in first grade, a person came to my school and talked about rape and abuse. That was when I told my teacher, and my uncle was arrested. My mom found out, but she didn't take it very seriously. I never went to therapy, never got any help. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 14.

I feel like I never got to have a real childhood. My childhood was ruined by my uncle. I can't get my innocence back.

He is still in jail, and I'm still trying to get along with my life. The memories still haunt me. I still have nightmares and flashbacks. Everyday is a challenge.

I don't keep in touch with that side of the family anymore. I don't have much family on that side though, I spend the holidays with my dad's side of the family. I haven't talked with anyone on my mom's side in years, and I'm glad.

There are monsters in this world, whose actions are beyond explanation. When those things happened to me, I was 13-16 years old. I tried to understand the mentality of the kind of person who would do such a thing. I soon realized there wasn’t anything to understand, except for the fact that evil exists, and evil performs its deeds trough evil people.

I for one find comfort in the knowledge that your uncle is in prison. I am so sorry you had to go through this. No one deserves to go through such an ordeal. I wish I could tell you the dreams and flashbacks would stop one day, but I don’t want to lie. I am 36 years old, and I still have very vivid dreams of one night in particular.

You are a strong person by the mere fact you spoke up, and you told the authorities. That was something I never hade the guts to do.

I want you to feel free to PM me anytime you need someone to talk to. I may not be able to get back to you right away, but I will. I hope you find peace.