November 21, 2011

Study: Obesity Epidemic Linked To Delicious, Delicious Food

SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THERE MAY BE A CORRELATION BETWEEN INSANELY FAT PEOPLE AND THE EXISTENCE OF BACON-CHEESEBURGER PIZZA.

In a landmark study released on Monday, researchers with the American Obesity Institute have discovered a link between the country’s escalating obesity epidemic and fabulously delicious food.

Roughly a third of Americans are now obese -- defined as roughly thirty pounds over a healthy weight -- including 32% of men and 35% of women. The number of obese people in the country stands at just under 100 million.

“This is a serious problem that is only going to get worse,” said Dr. Sandy Hellmuth, lead researcher on the study. “Americans are getting fatter and fatter, and food is showing no signs of becoming less delectable.”

While most Americans have easy access to nutritious and satisfying foods such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables, none of those foods can compare to the savory sensations of a double bacon cheeseburger, or the sweet delight of a hot fudge sundae.

“Why would anyone eat something like broccoli when a deep-fried Twinkie is easily available?” said Ms. Hellmuth. “Or if there’s a White Castle within a ten-mile radius?”

The consequences of widespread obesity could be dire, according to nutrition expert Dicky Bloads.

“Unchecked weight-gain leads to diseases such as type-2 diabetes, heart disease, even cancer,” Mr. Bloads said. “These are serious and oftentimes mortal illnesses, but when compared to how delicious a meat-lover’s pizza with extra cheese is, I say it’s worth the risk.”

Heavenly food items such as cheese-steak sandwiches or buttermilk biscuits with sausage gravy are not the only causes of obesity, however.

“Our lifestyles have become extremely sedentary, and exercise is rare,” said Ms. Hullmuth.

“Going for a light jog or starting a pick-up basketball game are things we simply don’t have time for in our busy schedules full of stuffing our faces with readily available, high-calorie, and seriously tasty junk food.”