April 4th, 2013 at 9:40 am

Let me just start by saying I LOVE Rachel Zoe. I once joked that I want to be just like her when I throw up. But that stemmed from thinking about how much I admire her drive, talent and the exceptional life she has built for herself. That being said, let’s rip her a new one…

The episode opens in LA with RZ and her man of 21 years, Rodg, laying in bed with full hair and make-up. They are looking at NYC apartments online. Basically RZ wants a pimp pad and Rodg wants to save money. This is a running theme throughout the episode (spoiler). Rodg (who looks like a sexy-metro-boho-Phish-fan these days) suggests getting a “crash pad,” which isn’t helping his case.

Meanwhile at RZ’s office, her gang of fashion employees/disciples (who are like The Pink Ladies from Grease, but in chunky muted sweaters) day dream about RZ and Rodg’s lifelong love. They also play a quick round of ‘Your Ring Is Pretty’ while admiring each other’s jewelry. Next Rodg meets his one and only white friend for a bromantic “lunchy lunch” that is constantly interrupted by RZ’s calls.

Then there was a whole bunch of fashion business drama. Something to do with shoes. Side note: RZ seems to resent her bangs; like getting stuck babysitting an annoying sibling on a Friday night. Did I mention shoes?

Rodg does a mitzvah and gives RZ’s Smithers, Mandana Dayani, an erect chocolate wang that kinda resembles the Eiffel Tower. RZ meets and greets some fans without ever removing her giant sunnies (want!) because she is a Christopher Guest character.

RZ and Rodg roll across town to meet with their partner who they are opening a salon with. RZ loves to get her hair done and make Benjamins. So why not?

Then it’s off to NYC with the family, including RZ’s baby Skyfall. JK – Sky is the cutest and RZ is an awesome MILF (mother I’d like to FASHION!).

Then somehow there is another segment about shoes. Go figure.

Back in LA, the Pink Ladies speculate about RZ getting a place in NYC and lovingly impersonate her. MAJ, OH MY GOD, DIE, BANANAS, NIPPLES! Ok, she doesn’t say nipples, just making sure you are paying attention.

Meanwhile in NYC, RZ goes off on a rant about coats the way Bubba talks about shrimp in ‘Forest Gump.’ Short coats, black coat, gold coats, day coats, long coats, chunky coats, high collar coats, cropped coats, warm coats, botton-up coats, hoodie coats. FYI – none of that was made up.

They take a tour of their under construction salon, which is going to have schmancy floors that look like a Jonathan Adler place setting gave birth to a floor. That’s a compliment, RZ! Then it’s off to check out apartments. RZ wants the moon. Rodg just wants a BJ, a J and a pizza.

In LA the Pink Ladies talk fanny packs and roll around on a furry rug like Burt Reynolds.

The episode wraps up like it began. Cuddling with RZ and Rodg. Will they or won’t they get a place in NYC? Will the Pink Ladies break into a version of Grease‘s ‘Sandra Dee,’ but with the lyrics ‘Rachel Z’? Will any of them acknowledge that Mandana Dayani is an insane name? Tune in next week to find out.