Finally after five years from D-day I decided to go visit a counselor to help me deal with my many issues of trying to survive infidelity.

I went for 2 visits and I did all the talking and I feel like it was a complete waste of time and money.

How can I find someone that can help me? I'd like someone who has gone through the same thing as me!! Just so they "get it".

I'm from a very rural area and am 3 1/2 hours from a city. (where help would be available)

Does anyone know anyone online I could contact?

I still need to work through some things and have pretty much been doing everything on my own...its been so hard!

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: canada

Themusicdied♀ 29502Member # 29502

Posted: 11:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

Some counselors will provide sessions via Skype. You might try contacting someone in your closest city and see if that service is available.

Good luck to you truetou!

BW 53
FWH 54
Married 27 years
DD#1 Oct 2009 PA
DD# 2 Sept 2010 EA continued with same OW
R begins again
Update 7/2012 R going well but
I'll never forget the day the music died

Posts: 107 | Registered: Sep 2010

cancuncrushed♀ 28156Member # 28156

Posted: 11:22 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I dont have advice, but I too am 5 years out and just tried the therapy route. My experience was identical to yours. I stopped after 6 months. Mine listened, and rarely said a word. I went because it just isnt going away. I read tons of books, watched tons of shows, online sites. I feel I understand better, but its not getting better. My H never confessed. So I guess thats it. Just wanted you to know your not alone, and this is pretty common. I think I understand alot about infidelity, and its causes. I believe I am very numb to it. WOndering if I have desensitized myself through knowledge or are my walls really really thick.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1320 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome

Ashland13♀ 38378Member # 38378

Posted: 11:33 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I'm five months out but a year and a half has gone by since he left.

Finally, I found a counselor who I can feel is worthwhile, and FWIW, it's because she validates my feelings. She also shows me other sides to things I'm "firm" on, but also helps with family issues, of which there are many, not just the Perv issues.

So I don't know if that helps at all, but I didn't know what to look for in counseling at first. The other one I tried was ironically chosen by him, an MC, who tore me to shreds trying to prove if his allegations were true or not. Six months of this and a lot less money later, it dawned on me that maybe I didn't have to go, if I was going home in even worse state then when I got there.

Also, FWIW, the one I have now has a really low rate and is more concerned with actually helping other people, where the first was very flashy and charged up the wazoo and only helped if I showed detachment.

You can also not go all the time, but there are some online, it's just a lot of weeding and often isn't any cheaper than a virtual one. I tried this route too and found so much junk email came or ad scams and I'd get to the end and have come out with nothing but a headache.

I am almost an hour from my current counselor, but am always glad I've gone, even with little money for the bill or gas to get there...

Sometimes knowing what it's about or what you want to get out of it helps. Some of their approaches are to say nothing and sometimes it's just at the beginning that they do that. The bad one that was MC didn't give advice that helped , but it helped to talk about him when I couldn't figure out something and she confirmed the NPD and passive aggression.

Ironically, when she told him this diagnosis, he declared "she's incompetent!!!"

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2548 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England

doesitgetbetter♀ 18429Member # 18429

Posted: 11:39 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I highly recommend Dr Harville Hendrix's books that you can do from home at your pace. He has a few different titles for help with different issues. If you are needing couple's counseling, his book Getting the Love You Want is great. If you want help for yourself and overcoming personal issues and FOO issues, then Receiving Love might be the one you need.

Most of his books have a workbook companion as well to help you through the process. We bought all of them, and the companion's, and they've helped us a LOT!

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008

truetou♀ 22809Member # 22809

Posted: 12:42 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

Thanks doe...I'm going to look for his books.

Cancun..I sent you a PM

I think if my counselor could have offered a little more advice or understanding it might of helped. I thought this was going to be on going for a few months but after the second visit she's asking me if I want to quit...almost like I can't help u any more.

She did tell me I was tenacious...I'm not sure if that's good or bad. She said I was very strong...like strong willed and won't let things go??? I don't know.

I know I'm still scared that he will hurt me again and I can't ever trust him..is that tenacious??

I guess when a person gets lied to...cheated on ...multiple times one does get tenacious.

Or feel like you've been run over by a bus and you get up and try and heal yourself...without any help!!

Or is it a stubborn family trait I have...just some thoughts!!

don't know if I should spend more money on a different counselor or keep going on my own.