so i wrote a quick book, edited it down to fit, and picked some pictures that fit their size requirements.it turned out awesome and eliza loves it. she points out all the people and says their names and of course loves to see delia.you can check out the online proof here.

the quality is very good. i was impressed and already have plans for ordering more!

i had a problem with paypal when i checked out and i emailed the company. their customer service was excellent! the lady was so sweet in her email and when i talked to her later on the phone to pay with my card she gave her sympathies again and told me that it was the sweetest book she read. she went on about how touching it was.

and no, i was not given anything for this. i just love the company and love that the back says "printed in the good old usa"

Sunday, November 20, 2011

"do you have any other kids?" or in the case today (said to eliza) "do you have any brothers or sisters?"

james and i have talked about that question. especially after losing delia. how would we answer it if/when someone asks.

"um...erm...well, yes...uh not with us. they're, well, in heaven."

that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. we didn't want to throw people off and make them feel like they asked the wrong thing, but we didn't want to discount our babies. we felt guilty for leaving them out.

james said something along the lines of "if you answer with confidence i think people will be okay with it. it's if you stumble that would make it awkward."

so i practiced. in my head. "yes. two in heaven." "yes, but not with us." "only her here on earth." "her and two angel babies."

i hadn't been asked yet. i was waiting. i knew it was bound to happen.

then today, the day after we had an unfortunate ultrasound with pebble, eliza gets asks. how does she answer? with a confident "yes!"

phew, dodged that one.

until the cashier looked at me like "does she really?"

"um...well, yes. the others are just in heaven. she, uh...lost a sister. this august. and, well...yea...that's her sister."

i couldn't get out of there fast enough. i appreciated the "i'm sorry. i haven't experienced that, but i saw my mom go through it" reply, but i needed out.

why today? why? as i'm picking up stuff to for what i'm going through losing pebble. i have to face that question for the first time?

each birthday i had i kept thinking "the numbers are going up, but i don't feel older." i felt like i was always stuck in the late 90's early 2000 era. i just didn't feel like i was getting older.

even after living on my own, getting married, buying a house, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having a baby, having a toddler. i still felt like people see me as a young one.

that changed fast.

i feel like i grew up so much this summer.

it wasn't the move from another country. it wasn't buying a (second) house. it was losing her.

that isn't something that happens to people my age.

we shouldn't have to think about burial options.

we shouldn't have to pick up a death certificate.

or meet with the thrivent guy to talk about her life insurance.

we shouldn't have to make these awful decisions.

i remember sitting in the funeral home the day after she came and left. the director was asking us for information for the obituaries. i kept thinking "i shouldn't be answering this. this is something adults do. i am not an adult. my mom should be here. she knows the answers. i am NOT an adult."

but i am. 28 years, but it wasn't until that week this summer that it hit.

i'm an adult.

there are adult decisions to be made. there are great losses to bear. silver hairs to wrinkle my nose at. children to love. children to miss.

Friday, November 11, 2011

james likes to joke around with eliza and he'll tell her to put her dukes up. then they pretend fight. he of course wants her to be tough.

i never shared this video here, but it made us laugh when we saw delia. it was our last ultrasound before we left korea. my mom was there and got to see her too.

i love how she has her dukes up and that she punches me too. i'll never forget that.

also eliza was the sweetest thing saying "baybee" weird to see her on there. that was just july, but i feel like she's changed so much!

the second video is the only video we have of delia outside. i could watch her all day. i also noticed that my iPod was playing mason jennings. i don't remember putting that on, but i love that i did. i love sharing music with my beans. one of my favorite memories was when she and i were alone in the hospital room and i rocked her and played her songs. so special.