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Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again.

Hi There. Oh Hi. Hey. Gosh, this is awkward….

After all, you may (or may not!) have noticed that I’ve been absent for a while. Okay, MONTHS. I took a summer break that turned into a reprieve that turned into a hiatus that turned into a sabbatical that turned into downright absenteeism. The Silver Lining is that I have been living life. Now, the truth of the matter is that I have been living life on life’s terms, which translates to amazing and awful and amazing; hence, the title of the post.

Here on March 1st, 2016, I find myself drawn back to writing on The Silver Pen. In all honesty, I have been thinking about it for quite some time, but have been feeling awkward, uncomfortable, confused and guilty for being gone for such a long time.

Guilt. Whatta word. Anyone else Catholic? My confirmation (at age 13) somehow seemingly confirmed that I was guilty – of what, I never knew, but if the Catholic church said I should feel guilty, then by golly I should. And did!

Should. Another word that I adopted at a young age and am now – finally (!), in my 40s – shedding like a snakeskin.

I digress. As usual. Some things never change….

The past months have brought joyous, painful, interesting and enlightening evolution. I have resisted writing because this transition has been organic, painful, joyous and profoundly real. I inherently felt the need to experience it rather than think about what I was going to write about or my next blog topic.

The thing about blogging is that for a period of time I was in a Grand Canyon-sized rut wherein I kept thinking, “I need to blog about this…” or “This experience would work for this topic…” These reflections made me feel a little cuckoo for coco puffs. In other words, I was living life on the surface – superficially – but not really living.

At some point last summer, my head, heart and soul refused to live in this duplicitous, superfical way. It took a summer trip to Europe – wherein I morphed from a caterpillar to a butterfly – to help me see the light and experience the miracles of mindfulness, joy and presence.

Pray to whomever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah. Raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekhina, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.
Then pray to the bus driver who takes you to work.
On the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus,
for everyone riding buses all over the world.
Drop some silver and pray.
Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latte and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.
To Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, pray.
Bow down to terriers and shepherds and Siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.
Make the brushing of your hair
a prayer, every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.
Making love, of course, is already prayer.
Skin, and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile cases we are poured into.
If you’re hungry, pray. If you’re tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.
When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else’s legs.
Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheelchair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer as the earth revolves:
less harm, less harm, less harm.
And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas–
With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.
Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.
Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Scoop your holy water
from the gutter. Gnaw your crust.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the street

~Ellen Bass, from her book The Human Line

What I believe with absolute certainty, from the bottom of my (very sad heart) is that where there is darkness, there is also light. Below are inspiring images of global solidarity.

In light of the s**t-storm of the weekend, my heart feels utterly broken. Chris Cornell’s song, “Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart” pretty much sums up my feelings. How? Why? How? Why? How? Why? are the questions that are bouncing around my head and broken heart.

“Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart” – Chris Cornell

Every time I stare into the sun
Trying to find a reason to go on
All I ever get is burned and blind,
Until the sky bleeds the pouring rain

When you came along the time was right
Pulled me like an apple red and ripe
Wasn’t very long you took a bite
And did me wrong, and it serves me right

And I nearly forgot my broken heart
It’s taking me miles away,
From the memory of how we broke apart
Here we go round again, again

Every little key unlocks the door,
Every little secret has a lie
Trying to take a picture of the sun
It won’t help you to see the light
Every little word upon your lips
Makes a little cut where blood pours out
Every little drop of blood a kiss that I won’t miss
Not for anythingAnd I nearly forgot my broken heart
It’s taking me miles away,
From the memory of how we broke apart
Here we go round againEvery single feeling tells me this is leading to a heart
In broken little pieces and you know I need this
Like a hole in the head

Every single feeling tells me this is leading to a heart
In broken little pieces and you know I need this
Like a hole in the head

And I nearly forgot my broken heart
It’s taking me miles away,
From the memory of how we broke apart
Here we go round again

And I nearly forgot my broken heart
It’s taking me miles away,
From the memory of how we broke apart
Here we go round again…

On this Veterans Day, I am excited to tell you about a newly launched Silver Lining program to celebrate and honor our veterans.

As many of you know, I have been involved with the Santa Barbara-based, nationally-serving Dream Foundation for-what seems like-ever. As a hospice nurse, the organization is incredibly near and dear to my heart – because it provides people and their families with wishes at the end of their lives. Seriously amazing. And wonderful. It is the ONLY national dream-granting organization for adults.

Dream recipients are those individuals who have been given a year or less life expectancy. Dreams range from basic needs items, like a working stove, to bedside reunions and meaningful experiences with children and loved ones.

Dreams for Veterans is a new program of Dream Foundation. Its mission is to serve terminally ill veterans and their families through the fulfillment of a final dream. Having learned the importance of acknowledging veterans, honoring their service and sharing their personal stories, Dream Foundation created Dreams for Veterans in 2014 to effectively tailor the dream experience to veterans and their families. To date, the program has served the dreams of more than 100 terminally ill adults; that number is projected to expand to more than 600 over the next few years.

Below are some goose bump and tear-inducing stories. I hope that they inspire you today.

Dreamers’ Stories

• James (Arizona) —James passed away June 24, 2015 from terminal adenocarcinoma, one day before he realized his dream of visiting Washington D.C. with his wife and son. He was 55 years old. James served honorably in the U.S. Navy from 1977 – 1981 before retiring as a Disbursing Clerk Second Class. Having served during peacetime, he shared with Dreams for Veterans that his most meaningful memory was pulling out of port and seeing the land disappear. “I always got a charge over that,” he had said. “When I was on watch, I would look out and realize that I was protecting family and loved ones back home.” Senator McCain’s office helped plan a memorable trip for James and his wife and son, including tours of the White House and U.S. Capitol, and visits to historic landmarks around the city—a trip he had to cancel at the last minute because he became unable to travel. As James’ wife Sheri expressed after he died, “My husband was overwhelmed by the Foundation granting him his dream. Even though he didn’t get to go on the trip, it helped to restore his faith in the goodness of people.” James’ wife attended the event on his behalf.

• Ray (California) —Ray is an 89-year-old leukemia and heart disease patient, and a U.S. Navy veteran. He served from 1944 -1946 and his title was Seaman 3rd Class, Ships Mate. He was stationed at Sampson, N.Y., and later mostly loaded ammunition in the Utah and Nevada deserts. Ray’s dream, to enjoy a trip to the Yosemite Valley with his wife, son and daughter-in-law, occurred in May 2015. Dreams for Veterans sent the family to Yosemite, where they stayed in the Ahwahnee Hotel, enjoyed stunning views of the valley and made perhaps their last set of memories together there in the park.

• Hallock (Connecticut) —Hallock is a U.S. Army veteran. His dream was to make memories with his wife and three young children (8, 6 and 4) by taking them to Walt Disney World in Orlando. Yocher’s dream occurred in January 2014. His family of five visited both SeaWorld Orlando and Universal Orlando in addition to Walt Disney World. Hallock said he felt “such peace and joy to see my kids look so happy and excited and they explored the parks.” At the time of his dream, Hallock’s physician attested that he had a life expectancy of nine months due to his terminal Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. However, he has exceeded that prognosis and was thrilled to share his story. Hallock is a proud veteran, who spent six years in the Army, serving one tour in Iraq. After that time he transferred to the Air Force, where he toured Iraq again. He has received honorable discharges from both branches of service.

• Randy (Ohio) —Randy passed away January 24, 2015 from cancer. His dream, to attend a Pittsburgh Steelers game, occurred on October 21, 2014. Randy was a member of the U.S. Navy from 1975 – 1995, serving on submarines. Randy was an avid Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Over the years he had attended a few home games, but with finances strained as a result of his illness, he had not been able to see a game live for quite some time. Last fall, Randy appealed to Dreams for Veterans for help getting to Heinz Field and watching his favorite team from the sidelines. Randy and his family went to a game, after which he wrote to Dreams for Veterans saying, “It was absolutely fabulous. It meant so much to us. The weather was beautiful; everything was perfect. We made amazing memories.” Randy’s family attended the event on his behalf.

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/120951061/0/thesilverpen~Video-Series-Facing-a-Potential-Cancer-Diagnosis/#commentsWed, 28 Oct 2015 19:42:05 +0000http://www.thesilverpen.com/?p=70415Facing a Potential Cancer Diagnosis First and foremost, thank you so much for all of the positive feedback on the first installment of the video... continue reading

In case you didn’t already know (which you probably do because you all are highly sensitive and aware smarties), here are some seriously sobering statistics about FBC:

232,340 new cases of invasive breast cancer are expected to be diagnosed among US women

64,640 additional cases of DCIS

39,620 US women are expected to die from breast cancer. Only lung cancer accounts for more cancer deaths in women.

Breast cancer incidence rates are highest in non-Hispanic white women, followed by African American women and are lowest among Asian/Pacific Islander women. In contrast, breast cancer death rates are highest for African American women, followed by non-Hispanic white women. Breast cancer death rates are lowest for Asian/Pacific Islander women.

Sucky, right? Uh Huh. I know you know. Well, this week, yet ANOTHER friend was diagnosed with FBC. I am so OVER IT. Seriously. I have HAD IT. FBC. Yesterday, I spent time talking with her and her bestie about what to expect and how to proceed as she faces her diagnosis.

We also laughed our a**es off over the most ridiculous of things. Seriously, we had tears running down our faces, because sometimes, you just have to laugh until you cry when things royally suck. Know what I mean, jelly beans?

These statistics and my personal interactions this week motivated me to share the second video with you all today, “Facing a Potential Cancer Diagnosis.” I hope that this is helpful to you or a loved one. Actually, I hope that neither you NOR a loved one ever needs this!

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/119565763/0/thesilverpen~Video-Series-To-Fight-or-Not-to-Fight-During-Treatment/#commentsThu, 22 Oct 2015 18:15:01 +0000http://www.thesilverpen.com/?p=70399 Hello! Hello! Gosh is it ever nice to be back. I can’t begin to tell you how much I have missed you all. This... continue reading

Hello! Hello! Gosh is it ever nice to be back. I can’t begin to tell you how much I have missed you all. This summer and fall has been a period of stupendous change and growth. I have so much to share with you.

Let’s begin with the unveiling of a new video series….but before I do, please allow me to give you some background….after all, “Why?” seems like a good place to start.

On a daily basis (sometimes hourly!) I think and dream about how I can be of service to people who have to follow me down this path, just as those who came before me made my experience more effective and more bearable.

As you know by now, most of my ideas have come from what was missing during my experience. Well, I remember – like it was yesterday! – being up in the middle of the night (all night!) with ‘roid rage (from steroid use) or anxiety (from having cancer!).

I wished that I had had someone to talk with me about what I could expect, to rationalize my (seemingly crazed!) feelings and to help me through. I looked for videos online and they were either too depressing or provided incorrect information. Quelle horreur!

So, earlier this spring, I made the exciting (well exciting to me, anyway) decision to go deeper into the digital world with the creation of a series of videos. During those long, long, long nights I wished that I had had someone to talk with me about what I could expect, to rationalize my (seemingly crazed!) feelings and to help me through.

The truth of the matter is that I couldn’t read a book…heck I couldn’t even read People magazine! This is the reason that I created this video series. It is focused on health and wellnesswith the patient voice, first hand experience, and real life stories at its core (the patient being ME!)

Like my Silver Lining Companion Guide, I want to developcontent to positively impact lives by guiding, inspiring and empowering people impacted by FBC (f-bomb breast cancer).

Sooooooo, without further ado, here is the first in the series, “To Fight or Not To Fight During Treatment.” I would greatly deeply appreciate your thoughts and feedback. What do you like? What can be done better? Suggestions for future topics? Thank you – as always! – for your love and support.

How’s that for an entré? Good? No? Well, I’m not sure where to begin after disappearing for the past few months.

How have you been? Have a good summer? I have missed you all. A LOT.

To tell you the truth, it has taken a boatload of courage, determination, perseverance and focus to sit down and write, but here I am – obviously – writing.

Golly, I have a ton to say. However, I became a bit insecure a few weeks ago when I was readying (prodding may be a better word!) myself to come back. Okay, to tell you the honest to goodness truth, I worked myself into a full-on tizzy. “Who on G-d’s green earth really gives a s**t about what you have to say?” I asked myself – day in and day out. You know what happened? These thoughts reinforced my emotions which resulted a writing paralysis. Nice, right?

Anyway, today a strong, not-taking-no-for-an-answer voice in my head said, “Sit your a** down and WRITE. It is TIME.” So – despite my fits and starts and my best efforts at procrastination – this is how I arrived here. Today. On this FIVE year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.

Yes, you read that correctly: five years ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a/k/a FBC (f-bomb breast cancer). Five years. Breast Cancer. WTF?

For each of the preceding years, I have done something incredibly physical as a FU to FBC. You see, on October 15th, 2010, cancer took my health from me, so on this date each and every year, I decided to change my dread of this “diagnosis date” by doing the opposite of sick and instead engaging my physical, emotional and intellectual strength. So,

On my 4th Cancerversary, I was recovering from a total hysterectomy. (If you want to learn more, please click to read about it. I don’t feel like rehashing it at the moment.)

On this malignancy milestone date – in addition to going on a rockin’ challenging hike combined with an I’m-glad-when-it’s-done weight workout – I decided to sit down with a cup of matcha green tea (yes, I still drink it everyday!) and reflect on the incredibly powerful and utterly life-changing lessons that came from my experience. My top three are as follows:

Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. This is by far the most important lesson that I have learned. I remind myself, my family, my friends – anyone who will listen, really – of this lesson on a daily basis. Recently, I was brought to my knees by something quite unexpected. Instead of going to that place of “I’m fine” and “I can handle this,” I reached out to an old friend and asked for help. Even though I was a teensy bit (ok A LOT) nervous, good gracious did it ever feel good and now I find myself on yet another path of healing and self-discovery.

Look for the Silver Lining. Many of you have heard me say this over and over and over (and over) again. Well, the only reason that I blabber on about it is because this philosophy is how I actually live my life. Literally. And the reason that I live my life this way is because it works. Everyday. Whether I’m sitting in traffic or dealing with any other of life’s curve balls (that often have a tendency to hit me like a wrecking ball directly in the nose), what I know for sure is that Pain is Pain. We are all going to have s**t in life. It is inevitable. It is reality. But – now, here is the good part! – what I know from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head is that silver linings provide the balance, perspective and hope to get me/you/us through anything – and I do mean ANYTHING – that life sends our way!

FBC is not my identity. Instead of moving from treatment into recovery and into life after cancer, I went right into writing a book about cancer. And then editing the book about cancer. And then designing the book about cancer. And then selling the book about cancer. And then promoting the book about cancer. Oh and then I had to go and write another book about cancer. And promote that book about cancer. For the past 4 years, I have been caged in on the breast cancer gerbil wheel and – until this summer – did not know how to get off! Every time I thought about distancing myself from cancer, I felt guilty. “Well, I need to go to this event,” I thought. “It is important to speak at this event,” I was told. Well, you know what I realized? My guilt was a figment of my imagination. FBC is not who I am. It does not define me. It has been a big part of my life experience, one that has brought many silver linings into my life, BUT FBC has also already taken too much time, energy, emotion, and body parts (!!!) from me and my family and my friends. It doesn’t get any more. Period.

There is an assumption that “after 5 years, you are cured.” This is not the case, unfortunately. “Five years is quite an arbitrary number,” says Julia Rowland, the director of NCI’s Office of Cancer Survivorship. “For some cancers, if you haven’t had a recurrence in two years, your rate of recurrence drops considerably. For others, like breast cancer, you can have a recurrence at any time.” Yup. Big fat bummer.

But the silver lining is that at this point in my life, I am not one to become mired in numbers or statistics or prognostication. First of all, it is mind numbing. Secondly, focusing on numbers doesn’t do a damn thing. Thirdly, I just don’t have time. N.O.W. is time to focus on living and finding joy in life.

So, from this point on, I am committing to myself (and you, dear readers!) that October 15th is now my second birthday. Does that mean that I can have a piece of cake? Ummmmm, YES!

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http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/104388178/0/thesilverpen~August-Magic/feed/2http://www.thesilverpen.com/breast-cancer-information-facts/breast-cancer-recovery-remission/practice-what-i-preach/Practice What I Preachhttp://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/98276246/0/thesilverpen~Practice-What-I-Preach/
http://feeds.feedblitz.com/~/98276246/0/thesilverpen~Practice-What-I-Preach/#respondMon, 29 Jun 2015 00:50:55 +0000http://www.thesilverpen.com/?p=70245Recently a girlfriend called me out and dressed me down. She just finished chemo and told me, “Hol, I love you and your book. It helped... continue reading

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Recently a girlfriend called me out and dressed me down. She just finished chemo and told me, “Hol, I love you and your book. It helped me through all of my treatments.” Sweet, right?

THEN she said, “I am also thankful to you for teaching me how not to heal.” Huh? WTF? Seriously? Seriously.

My eyes widened. My mouth gaped. My mind spun.

And then….after I thought about what she said, I congratulated her and told her that I am not the model for healing. I quickly acknowledged that I have not gotten it right. I went from treatment to writing a book to promoting a book to writing another book to promoting another book. I have gone from sick to busy, like those fancy race cars that go from Zero to 120 mph in 6 seconds flat (except I wasn’t anywhere near as sleek or sexy). My point is that I have been on a never-ending cycle of work, work, work. I am exhausted, burned out, stressed out, and impatient. I don’t sleep enough or well. Taking care of myself is consistently put on the back burner. I put myself on the back burner.

Gosh, that was hard to admit. Well, if I go one step further – and why the heck not? – I also have to admit that my beliefs and attitudes have not matched my actions. I have not taken the best, most optimal care of myself – emotionally, spiritually, physically or socially – ESPECIALLY for someone who has had cancer!

Sooooooooo, I have decided (drum roll, please!) to take the entire month of July OFF. Completely. I am so deeply – profoundly, actually – grateful that I am in a position to do so. My body needs it. My mind needs it. My heart needs it. My family and friends need it.

This is so so so so so hard for me to do; but I also have to tell you that there is a freedom in and to it. I will miss you and promise to return. In August.