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“Make them achieve orgasm”.

The message read: “Imagine you could give this essay to a past or future sexual partner, free of judgment or repercussion. What would you want them to know?”

The women who have stepped up to the challenge not only know their stuff, they know how to deliver it. Some are poets, others are comics. And they’re all connoisseurs of their own desire; experienced outdoorswomen navigating their way through the bush.

So Guys, here is the top five tips the ladies gave: on the hidden topic of Female orgasm: It is going to be an education we hope, and we welcome this, as it appears a lot of guys are in grave need of this info:

1. Masturbation: We’re really good at it.

I come a lot when I’m alone.

If the title of the blog doesn’t make it obvious enough, women are really good at getting themselves off. Really good. The mentality tends to be: No one knows my body better than me, and some of my best orgasms have been those administered by my own hand. Good for me.

To the women who haven’t been masturbating, I would say, start. Now. Right now. For those already in love with the act of self-love, congrats. You’ve experienced some of the best orgasms you’re likely to encounter in this life. You know what turns you on and you know how to act on it. The only thing left to do is share that information with your lovers.

One contributer writes, “Once you discover what works for you, you MUST then go teach it.” If you ignore this advice, you may end up like the woman who writes, “My pillow has been the only thing that has consistently made me come.”

Here’s the other thing about masturbation: you don’t always have to do it alone. As one woman advises, “Feel free to ask to watch me touch myself. If you haven’t already, LEARN TO FIND THIS HOT.”

2. Most women really like receiving oral sex.

In the words of comedian Amy Poehler, “If you don’t eat pussy, keep walking.” Sure, there are women who don’t like receiving oral, but if this blog can teach us anything, it’s that those individuals are in the minority. Overwhelmingly, it appears, women like having someone go down on them.

That doesn’t really come as a big surprise. Statistics tell us that as much as 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. Oral sex is a great way to deliver said stimulation. In the quest for equal-opportunity orgasms, it’s probably best to begin with equal-opportunity oral. As one woman writes, “Don’t tell [women] EVER that you don’t go down on girls. Unless you are willing to live a life without blowjobs, this is an unacceptable thing to say. Your dick doesn’t taste that great either!”

And it’s not just about getting the deed done, it’s about taking pride in the art. Tips like,“Act like you enjoy it. Wait, no. ACTUALLY ENJOY IT,” are inarguably the best way to combat concerns like, “What do I look like from his angle? Do I taste bad? Is he enjoying this? Is he getting tired? He must be tired. Is his tongue hurting? Should I just tell him to stop to put us both out of our misery?”

For the guys who simply “aren’t into it,” well, that’s a real shame — for everyone involved. One woman writes about that common concern, “What if he’s one of ‘those guys’ that doesn’t eat pussy?” She follows this up with a second thought: “Funny how there’s never one of ‘those girls’ that doesn’t suck cock, right?”

But my favorite piece of advice is simply, “Eat pussy.”

3. Most of us have faked it.

Most women can act as well as Meryl Streep in the bedroom.

Apologies, gentleman, but it’s true. If you’ve been having sex long enough, chances are you’ve been with a faker at one point. Yes, even you.

We’ve all got our own reasons. Sometimes we want to reward our partners for their efforts, fruitless but appreciated nonetheless. Sometimes it seems like a better idea than just lying there. And sometimes, we do it because we just want to get sex over with. It’s not often malicious and not always because the sex is bad. It’s mainly that most of us women have it in our heads that an enthusiastic lover is better than one who falls flat in the sack. Hell, I may not always be genuine, but I’ll be dammed if I read as boring.

In an address to her former lovers, one woman writes, “First things first, I have a confession to make: I haven’t been completely honest with say….70% of you. You were led to believe that you made me orgasm and I’m so sorry to say…you did not…ahem…cross the finish line.”

Another writes, “I used to have the horrible habit of lying about coming, though. I never would turn down sex with a boyfriend just because I was tired or didn’t feel like it—I thought it was my obligation to at least pretend to enjoy sex all the time.”

“After an extended period of commendable sexual activity results in orgasmic flat-line for some me-based reason, I will fake an orgasm. I fake as encouragement for a job well done,” writes another.

Of course, the better you get to know your partners, the better you become at reading them. One woman offers up this bit of encouragement: “If she does have a G spot orgasm, you will know, you will goddam know. It’s like when Dorothy Gale’s house lands after being in the tornado…she opens up the door and life is in color. She’s in Oz.”

But if you haven’t gotten there with your partner yet, how do you avoid the theatrics? Read on.

4. “If you actually are interested in what makes me orgasm, just ask.”

What the women on this blog make clear is that there are a lot of things you (guys) can do to help us achieve orgasm. There are also a lot of things to avoid. Want to find out what they are? Ask. Keep the channels of communication open. And it works the other way, too. If you happen to have a certain fantasy, a certain kink, well, talk to us about it.

It doesn’t mean we’re going to get off on it, but informed attempts to get us there almost always beat out blind surprises.

Some women aren’t comfortable voicing what they want in the bedroom. That’s unfortunate, and perhaps those women should follow in the footsteps of the women who are. After all, what good is a school without teachers? A tour without a guide? Docility, while fun for some role-play scenarios, isn’t exactly the best approach to employ when teaching someone about your orgasm.

Of course, most of the blog contributors already know that. As many would argue, the more specific you are in the bedroom, the better.

One woman explains, “You know what is hot? It is so hot when you communicate well and listen with compassion.”

“It’s attention, care, listening and responding of bodies that lay the groundwork for a good orgasm. It’s trust and sharing and vulnerability. We’re naked! So let’s really be naked and worship each other’s nakedness!”

Another more lightly states, “When you wanna give that special lovin’, tongue plus fingers make me shake all night.”

One entry reads, “If every woman throughout the history of mankind had demanded to have an orgasm along with her male partner, we probably would have evolved as a gender that could always orgasm. We need to explain these things to each other so that we can learn.”

Of course, not all contributors are so articulate, like the woman who simply states, “Let me sit on your face.”

5. What works for one woman won’t work for all.

The phrase “different strokes for different folks” is, quite literally, the best I can think of to use in regards to this subject. Yes, women are similar in that we all come armed with the same anatomy. But not all of us use it the same way.

One of the most valuable lessons these 72 entries have taught me is that no two women are identical, and everyone has a preferred way to reach orgasm. The more time I spent reading through the blog entries, the brighter the contrasts among them seemed to shine.

Take, for instance, this woman, who explains, “To stay that relaxed we had to have sex very very very slowly. I mean slow. Slow enough that sometimes, as time would go on, he would lose his erection. Sorry about that. But this is how I learned how to cum.

And I did.” Compare that to this entry: “He switched to two fingers headed slightly upward, brisk but not painful, light and fast and decisive.” Some women like romantic sex, personal and passionate, like the woman who writes, “Yes, this whole kissing my body making me beg for it thing is cliché but that’s because it’s fucking hot and it fucking works and most guys are lazy as fuck and don’t do it.”

Others don’t care for romance, like the author of this entry, who, when recounting a past encounter, explains, “His tone of voice was somewhere between autistic and psychopathic. He was just using me as a place to cum. I love that feeling.”

There are certain things you can do the “right” way and certain things you can do the “wrong” way. Sex isn’t one of them. The bottom line is, everyone is different. The best thing you can do as a lover is embrace whoever it is you have in front of you.

The beginning of the new year inspires change. Perhaps it’s the closing of one year and the beginning of the next that prompts us to reflect and set goals for the future.

During this time of reflection, bring some focus to your relationships, and try to determine if they’re healthy or damaged. As you evaluate your current relationships or seek out new ones, consider these tips.

Get Real with Yourself

This means—try to be honest with yourself. You won’t get anywhere by deluding yourself about the status of a friendship or romantic relationship. You know what you like and dislike, what you want, and what you’re willing to put up with. No one can help you create comfortable, productive relationships better than you can. In other words, relationships start with you.

Set aside time for some honest self-reflection. Acknowledge the role you play and your importance in each one of your relationships. Look at your positive and negative behaviours. Be honest about your intentions in these relationships.

You’re only sharing these thoughts with yourself; don’t be afraid to be blunt, bold, and as direct as possible in expressing your feelings. Pay attention to the feelings that bubble to the surface; they were probably there all along waiting to come out.

For example, maybe you have a friend who has proven to be resourceful and useful to you during times of need, but who also annoys you. This might cause you to have feelings guilt, usury, or selfishness. Let’s say in this example, your goal is to be a better friend. To achieve this goal, you need to acknowledge and make peace with the fact that you find this person annoying. Avoiding the feeling of annoyance with this person will only work against the genuine intention to better the relationship.

Be honest, at least with yourself, if not directly with the person about these feelings. Ask yourself: who this person is to you, and what do you seek in knowing them? Inquire and express inwardly.

Decide What You Want in a Relationship

Relationships are not all created equal. Some people in your life may serve great importance to your well-being or livelihood, while others are merely friends because of shared interest. You may feel closer to your aunt than your actual parent, or have deeper connection with a friend than your spouse. You may favour the company of buddies over family, or find more understanding among strangers than your loved ones. These kinds of feelings are not uncommon or reprehensible.

You are the shaping force in any relationship that you experience. If you’re setting goals of growth and change for yourself this year, it’s important to be decisive about those goals.

If you have a romantic interest in someone, you must decide whether you really want to explore that kind of relationship with this person. If there is someone you would like to learn from or grow closer to, you have to make up your mind about how you see that person.

Accept the relationship for what it is presently, even if it’s non-existent. Then set your intention on what you want it to be. Setting your intention on how you want to improve your relationships is an effective and direct way to reach your goal.

Remember the fundamental human needs of acceptance, appreciation, affection, and attention to understand your personal intentions. You’re seeking one, or a combination, of these needs to be fulfilled in your human interactions. Look at the person you’re seeking a relationship with and see where they fit into this view of things.

Determine Where Can You Grow

Everything that we experience in life is meant to teach us something and contribute to our awareness. Other people can play a major role in the quality of our life experiences.

If you want to enhance your relationships, it’s a good practice to look at yourself and see where you can grow and improve. This can shed light on your relationships.

For example, you may find that you’re drawn to people for certain qualities that they exhibit. If you’re a serious person who is always responsible, you may feel connected to a silly, more reckless person because it creates some balance in your life. Since this more carefree characteristic may be an unexpressed aspect of your Self, it can be healthy for you to grow this relationship while remaining true to yourself and expanding.

Or perhaps you want to succeed in your career. It can be helpful to your growth as an individual to build relationships with those who have achieved some success in their chosen field. These relationships can provide you with education, support, acceptance, and opportunity.

The most rewarding gift from any relationship will be inward. Look at yourself for areas where you can grow mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. By focusing your efforts on these aspects of your relationships with others, you’re providing a foundation for a long-lasting relationship with purpose.

Be the Change

Try to give what you want to receive. If you want a friend to be more expressive and open with you, it may help for you to initiate this kind of expressive interaction. By being the first to give, especially in relationships, you’re creating the space for what you desire to blossom. Follow Gandhi’s advice with your own relationships and “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Stay Flexible

Remember that in all relationships, no matter how intimate or casual, there is compromise and exchange. Sometimes these compromises can take place on an emotional level and other times they can be physical. In order to nurture healthy, positive relations with others, it’s a good practice to not be rigid. People, like life, will throw you curve balls. Maybe a trusted friend will show a momentary betrayal, or an otherwise calm person may act erratically.

Many factors shape the behaviour of others. Learn to flow with others without compromising yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously and learn to appreciate the differences in others.

These small tips can make the difference between great relationships and destructive ones. The best relationships are those in which all parties feel appreciated and respected. Try not to let personal hang-ups or opinions get in the way of a friendship.

As you begin a new year, keep these concepts in mind to improve your current relationships and lay a good foundation for new ones. Every relationship is an opportunity to grow.

The problem with our social commentary of sexuality is that we often try to use logic to draw lines between what happens in the bedroom and our personalities in our day-today lives.

Why Nice Guys make the best Dom Sex Partners

We think that alpha men are obviously more dominant and powerful in the bedroom and nice guys who are soft spoken and more thoughtful must be romantic and boring in the bedroom. We see this constantly perpetuated by TV and movie characters.

But it is not our personalities that rule in the bedroom. When sexually intelligent people find themselves in a relationship where they can let their erotic nature and subconscious rise to the surface – the id finds itself coming up for air and for a much needed recalibration. Those logical observations of sexuality and personality are thrown out the window.

If anything, the complete opposite of what you would assume is actually true.

For years I was attracted to large, strong handsome men. The bad boys, the asshole lumberjack, the dismissive rock stars. I knew my submissive itches would need a true alpha man to scratch. But few (if any) of those bad boys or strong manly-men ever actually performed in the bedroom.

When I accidentally started dating nice guys, I got the biggest holy-shit-aha-moment of my life.

The things that make a good man less aggressive and less power-hungry in their careers or social lives, make them the most amazing Doms in the bedroom.

Nice guys put the needs of others before his own, they are tuned in to non-verbal communication, they try to avoid trouble, and lead with compassion.

Those are exactly the qualities you need for a good dominant man in the bedroom.

The idea of being in a dominant/submissive sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily mean whips and chains and red rooms. A dom/sub relationship simply means one person likes to take control of a situation and the other person agrees to let that person be in control. This is necessary for any sexual relationship or you’d constantly be bickering over who’s going to be on top. Most couples already do this dom/sub negotiation, and take turns being in control and being actively submissive.

And actively submissive is the key to a dom/sub relationship.

For example, think about missionary position sex. This can be intensely gratifying if both people are active. Not so much if one person just lays there. While it may seem like the top is in control, they aren’t. The bottom is the one who controls the rhythm, the depth, the intensity.

And that simple fact is the reason Nice Guys are so much better at being Doms. They know that by taking control of the sexual decision-making process they actually create space for an amazing sexual experience. They decide where to go, what position to be in and what to wear. They free up the sub to connect with the nuance of sex. When someone else is making the decisions, you can focus on how your body responds, how you allow yourself to open up emotionally, and how your orgasm travels through your body.

The sub is the one who is really in control. And nice guys are willing to take on the responsibility of the sexual relationship because they want their partner to feel and experience as much pleasure as possible.

Alpha men, and bad boys might attract women more easily, but they end up being potentially terrible in bed. They pound their way to orgasm and roll over. I’ve realized that even stunningly handsome alpha men never progress sexually because nobody has ever told them they’re bad in bed. And if they did, they wrote the feedback off as bitchy or crazy. It’s a shame. (and obviously that’s a drastically general statement – but continues to prove truth).

But Nice Guy Doms aren’t born, they are made. Because of the preoccupation with dominants being jerks and potentially abusive, many Nice Guys don’t know their potential. Give them permission to explore that side of their sexuality, and they will!

Tell them what you want

He’ll give it to you. But a nice guy is hyper-sensitive to hurting your feelings or being perceived as an aggressor. Build a relationship that gives them the emotional and physical space to ease into being more dominant. Dominant and aggressive don’t have to be the same thing. Although if that’s where you want to take it – go for it!

Respect each other outside the bedroom

Building a base of complete trust and respect will let the sex take on a life of it’s own. The stronger the foundation of mutual respect – the more you can stray from the standard and bland and explore some freaky and intensely sensual experiences. As a women (and as a dude) you have to have the emotional intelligence outside the bedroom to respect and hold space for your partner. A needy or tentative partnership will fall apart in the bedroom. A trusting relationship will create a huge stage for sexual exploration. So get your emotional shit together.

Don’t ask him to be anything he isn’t comfortable with

We often talk about sexual contracts in terms of what the sub is willing to let the Dom do TO them. But defining this sexual contract with a Nice Guy is a bit different. There may be a dozen things on the list of sexual acts that they aren’t comfortable with DOING. And that’s awesome. They are entitled to say “that doesn’t feel like me”. You want things to feel as genuine and authentic as possible.

Empower your partner to express their own sexual desires

Just because you enjoy a sub/Dom relationship with an awesome Nice Guy, doesn’t mean that you need to do that all the time. Switch it up. Listen to their sexual desires whether they fit into your sexual needs or not. As a partnership, it’s not always about you. Even when 70% of your sexual styles overlap – sometimes you need to do things that are just for your partner’s pleasure. And it will be fun!

Allow them to adore you

The most uncomfortable part of starting a relationship with a Nice Guy after a string of douchebags and alpha jerks is that they like you. It feels weird. They text you back and they compliment you. They adore you. And it feels weird at first. You have to get used to it. Too many women aren’t comfortable letting someone love them. We think love is something we have to fight for, and convince someone to be a part of. It’s not. Don’t pass up on an amazing sexual experience because your Nice Guy adores you. He can completely adore you and completely dominate you.

Acknowledge their compassion as powerful

We have made the biggest mistake as a society by assuming that compassion means weakness and douchebaggery as strength. It is far more powerful to be kind and thoughtful than to be a dick. That compassion translates to a masterfully dominant man in the bedroom.

Now that marijuana is becoming decriminalized and even legalized across America, discussions about sex and weed have become more prevalent. In a new WoodRocket video, porn stars answer the age old question: Does marijuana make sex better? What about alcohol?

According to a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, drunk sex is associated with decreased sexual inhibitions and increased sexual regret. Physical sensations can feel dulled, and sessions can be sloppy and clumsy. (File that under obvious.)

Stoned sex, on the other hand, correlates with increased sensitivity and more intense orgasms. The downsides, according to researchers and weed smokers alike, can be increased paranoia and vaginal dryness — despite the fact that weed lube is actually a thing. The final sweet news in the study for Mary Jane lovers everywhere is that weed sex tends to be between folks who know each other, and is often used to bring them even closer in a smoky, intimate paradise.

So what do porn stars have to say on the subject? Just like the rest of us, some get down with ganja, while others keep it on the straight and narrow. Of those who toke, these are marijuana’s sexual benefits and drawbacks:

1. It Relaxes You

Weed helps folks relax and get into the mood, and it makes some guys extra horny, Trillium notes.

2. There’s Heightened Sensitivity

April O’Neil is a fan of smoking and sexing because marijuana can inspire a level of “open-mindedness” and increased sensitivity.

3. It Dries You Out

As an avid smoker, August Ames describes one tiny drawback of weed and sex: cotton mouth. If she wants a BJ to happen, coconut oil is a must. (The same goes for vaginal dryness, too.)

4. It Depends On The Kind Of Weed You’re Smoking

Sativa, which produces a kind of energized, alert high, is in Kenzie Taylor’s opinion the kind of weed that’s best for sex. Indica, on the other hand, might make you a little too chill to perform properly.

5. It Might Tire You Out After

If you like to take a snooze after a session, then marijuana is probably going to add a lot to your sexperience, says Marley Brinx, because it can definitely make you sleepy post-pounce.

Since long before Jerry McGuire uttered “you complete me”, we’ve been obsessed with the idea that there’s one person on earth who is capable of giving us everything we need.

Our Soulmate.

And it’s not simply that our Soulmate exists. That person needs to live in our city, speak our language and be tall dark and handsome. Obviously, the odds are not good.

You might be thinking “not me, that’s crazy”; but it is you! Whether we like it or not, it’s the tale we’ve been told. It’s imprinted into our childhood stories, TV shows and movies.

We have this assumption that we’ll meet the perfect partner. That flawless human will fall head over heels for us. Then they’ll love us despite our many imperfections.

What could possibly go wrong with that? …right??

It’s this double standard that causes so many relationships to spiral into a series of failed expectations, insecurity and eventual resentment.

So often I hear couples say they’re disappointed when their partner doesn’t live up to their high standards of communication or in the bedroom, but they’re also hurt when their partner questions their own flawed actions or intentions.

To be clear, “you complete me” is not cute – it’s clingy and pathetic.

I’ve replaced the idea of a Soulmate with this mantra.

It has given me the power to give zero fucks.

Whenever I start to get sucked into the expectation spiral, I repeat this to myself. I say it outloud. My friends and clients have started using it and it has a powerful effect on so many relationships.

It keeps people from giving away their power in a relationship too quickly, and also keeps their own ego in check.

It’s a phrase you can use in those moments of indecision. When you’re questioning whether to go on a second date, break up with someone or propose this mantra acts as a guidepost when the options become overwhelming.

I am a whole looking for another whole.

You are not looking for your better half. No person could ever “complete” you because you’re already whole. You’ll fit a partner into your life, but you don’t need to change a thing.

This is the mantra that has kept me out of bad relationships and guided me towards unexpected, but amazing men.

Wrapped up in this phrase are many of the ideals we hold true when we have clarity of mind, but forget when we’re caught in an awkward dating moment, or during a stressful relationship talk.

It could be said that in life we never make mistakes, but that we just keep learning lessons. Well, there are some lessons we wish we hadn’t had to learn the hard way. With embarrassing fumbles and body parts flying about in places they’re not supposed to, sex isn’t always as easy as we think. We’ve compiled a few examples of things that could have saved us years of blushing had we learned about them in sex education.

Sex can be messy

Perhaps we were taught about the logistics, but what about the facts? Sex is messy. Like with cooking, there’s always going to be a bit of spillage you need to wipe up at the end. The human body is capable of many things, and that includes fluids in various forms. Luckily, the shower will always be there and you can find pretty cheap deals on towels these days.

Sex can also be fun

During sex ed, so much emphasis is put on what could happen. We’re taught safety, urgency, reproduction and precaution. The do’s and don’ts are drilled into us in the same place that we are taught about the periodic table. But what about the simple fact that sex can actually be enjoyable? Orgasms exist and really do feel good. In fact, if you’re having sex it’s recommended that you try them.

All things LGBT

With around 10% of the UK population being gay, that’s a lot of people who are fumbling around in the dark trying to figure things out for themselves – the good stuff and the bad. There are things gay people need to know: it would certainly save on the embarrassing stories batted around in the pub. If no one’s ever spoken to you about the different ways you can enjoy sex as an LGBT person, it sort of takes the fun out of watching porn because you’re just trying to take notes.

Geography

It may be an overwhelming experience having your teacher suddenly talking about genitals, especially if this is the same biology teacher who normally teaches you about photosynthesis. But what about the geography of sex? There are some parts, some important parts, that have very specific locations. And it would be good for all of us to know exactly where these parts are. It would save a lot of disappointment down the line, for all parties involved.

Emotions are actually very influential

A lot of emphasis can be placed on the physical side of sex, but what about those little things we have called emotions? Emotions can actually have a huge impact on us physically; we all know how sex can be much more enjoyable with a person we actually like. Similarly, many of us will have experienced the emotional turmoil sex can wreak; that’s why breakup sex is a thing. Sex affects the heart as much as the head and we’ve all had to learn that the hard way.

Gravity knows no limits

There’s always one who claims they know more than everyone else. According to this smart aleck, a sure way to absolutely avoid pregnancy is if the girl is on top. You know, because gravity will help you out. This is not a method of contraception people. Do not listen to this person, they know nothing. There may well be many contraceptive options out there, but unfortunately, the laws of physics are not one of them.

Nothing is a suitable alternative to an actual condom

Everyone has a story about ‘the guy who tried to use cling film’. If the moment feels broken in the brief pause it takes to actually rubber up, think how awkward it would be whacking out the same roll of cling film you used to prepare your sandwiches earlier that day. It. Never. Works. There’s a reason they give condoms out for free at clinics.

What actually happens at an STI appointment

Yes, we were forced to watch animated videos where green monsters depicting chlamydia warned us of the perils of not getting ourselves regularly checked. And yes it is important. But why didn’t anyone tell us what that would actually involve? There’s prodding, there’s scraping, there’s swabbing. You might even have to unbuckle and bear all to a complete stranger. Don’t worry, though, they actually have seen it all before.

Sex toys exist…and they can be fun

Perhaps you remember the rubber penis used in the ‘this is how you put on a condom’ demonstration. Turns out, they actually exist for more reasons than simply educating inexperienced minds. Using sex toys does not mean subjecting yourself to all things 50 shades. In fact, they come in an array of different sizes, shapes and even colours, tailor-made to only enhance and increase pleasure. There really is something for everyone.

Alcohol and sex; a combination that doesn’t always go hand in hand

When we’ve had a few drinks and the clothes come off, it can be totally liberating for two consenting partners. Our bodies do things we didn’t know they could do, and we try things we didn’t want to try. In fact, we even enjoy them. But, enjoying too much of a liquid dinner doesn’t always lead to top performance. It turns out our balance isn’t the only thing that stops working so well when we’ve have one too many.

You’re not the only person who’s not ‘getting any’

Our friends rave about how they’re having it 20 times a day but they are probably lying. That or they have literally nothing else to do that day – no cooking, no studying, no jobs, no TV.

There’s no right or wrong amount of sex you should be having – for some it’s once a year, others every day. But honestly, we can’t be the only ones who sometimes just want to kick-back and watch a bit of EastEnders without any writhing going on. Are we the only ones? Are we?

Sometimes we’re just plain tired/too distracted by watching ‘fails’ on YouTube to get excited about getting excited.

So there you have it, our guide to things we wish we’d learned in sex ed. Go free and learn from our mistakes so that you don’t have to feel as awkward as we did.

In Victoria-era England, women devised a complex system using their fans to let men know whether they were available (fan quickly), interested (rested on right cheek), taken (fan slowly) or horny (ripping bodices). The courting rituals of other societies across the globe and history get much stranger. In old-school Scandanavia, women looking for a partner started to wear a knife sheath. Men would make knives to slip into the sheath of the girl he loved. Subtle, I know. If a girl wasn’t into it, she’d give it back. Continue reading Testing Someone’s Love is Self-sabotage at It’s Worse→

If you’re someone who suffers from social anxiety, you already know that some habits make social anxiety worse. While habits certainly don’t cause social anxiety, sometimes they don’t help matters, riyhrt. If you suffer from social anxiety, you’re probably already way too familiar with the symptoms, but as a refresher for everybody else, physical symptoms of social anxiety disorder include blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, and dizziness. The most common emotional symptom of social anxiety disorder is an intense fear of criticism and negative evaluation in social or performance situations.

When I have my first appointment with a new client I’m usually a bit anxious, because I’m not sure what to expect. You don’t know whether a client is going to be sobbing, angry, defensive or filled with shame. Even though I’ve been a sex and porn addiction therapist for 25 years, I still worry whether or not I’m going to be competent enough to help them with their problem.

I work with what is a growing issue: there’s a huge social stigma that stops addicts coming out in public. I feel a lot of compassion for them and want to do whatever I can to make them feel more comfortable and confident in talking to me.

At some point, mainstream porn stopped giving addicts the same sort of arousal, so they escalate to more hardcore fetish stuff, and then won’t have sex with their partner unless they’re acting out a fantasy. Porn sites offer variety and novelty, which their partners just can’t compete with. I sometimes find I’m performing a balancing act between providing a service that’s beneficial to the client, and then feeling awkward when asking them to pay me at the end of the session.

Managing my own internal responses includes huge sadness at their loss, anger at the injustices that often lead to addiction, and frustration at society for not being more understanding. Recently, one client put it really succinctly: “I know most guys look at porn and I’ve not got an issue with that, but I’m a wanker. And no one wants to be a wanker.”

Our ravenous appetite for ‘reality’ is feeding this monstrous trend.

Last fortnight, it happened to us. With five others, my parents, sister, daughter, the driver of our car, I was caught in an awkward and embarrassing situation when we stopped at a traffic signal in West Delhi.

For a good two minutes, all the adults in the car tried their best to make the most inane conversation to drown out what was taking place outside our car window. My six-year-old was laughing at the spectacle. There are so many things she doesn’t understand yet.

Three boisterous teenage boys on a motorcycle drew her attention – while the grown-ups pretended to ignore the trio.

The one sitting in the middle had a smartphone in his hand which he was brandishing like a magic wand. As if on cue, the other two began to shriek and moan.

Their gestures and comments left no one nearby in doubt about what they were looking at.

Apart from the oohs and aahs, I caught words like “mazaa” (enjoyment) and “Oh my God”.

I had never felt so uncomfortable in the presence of my family.

This bizarre play of perversion was right in front of us. And despite much frankness in my family, all of us were avoiding eye contact.

What were these boys watching? A pornographic clip? Maybe. Something worse? A rape video? One of the many in circulation that the culprits themselves shoot.

According to recent media reports, these videos are on sale for as less as Rs 50 to Rs 150.

Human depravity has certainly gone beyond MMS clips, hidden cameras and photoshopped nudes. We are now consuming horrific crimes against women. Not only that, we are also not far from replicating them.

I can understand what purpose such videos serve for perpetrators of ghastly crimes. The victim can be arm-twisted into not reporting the crime as well as be made available for further abuse.

But there are also many who are happily dodging prison time and getting these clips downloaded into their phones.

If such videos are selling, clearly there is a market for them. What newfound desperation has created this?

As I thought deeper, certain things became clear. There are countless clickbait videos on YouTube that use the word RAPE in bold. They have been there for quite some time.

Consumption of rape videos, therefore, is nothing new, as corroborated by a CD seller’s interviewed taken by The Hindu in Uttar Pradesh.

Rape videos are on sale for as less as $0.74

I delved a little deeper and found that most free-access porn resembles rape in any case.

Only, the woman appears to be willing. Sometimes, even that veneer is dropped with taglines like: “When she ain’t behaving, f*** the b**** hard”, “young teen gets raped by…”, “snobbish virgin shown her place”, and many others in a similar vein.

Now, when the “real stuff” is readily available, who would want made-up stories? It’s just a logical leap, however egregious it may sound.

But what is more worrisome is that almost each one of us has contributed in the said leap. We, the denizens of the digital world, have changed the very definition of viral.

The word now denotes something that is being desired by the multitudes.

From goofy pet videos to bombing clips to innovative film promotions to sports injuries, we are consuming, and thus creating demand for, everything indiscriminately.

Rape videos are an ugly manifestation of this digital voyeurism which has led us to a point where nothing is really shocking.

In earlier days, the culprits would be careful about not leaving their footprints. Not anymore.

The police seem clueless about the whereabouts of culprits even though their heinous crimes are for everyone to consume.

From on-camera butchering of human beings to rape videos, it is the culprits having the last laugh. Our ravenous appetite for “reality” is feeding this monstrous trend.

Are there no digital mavericks who can actually put their minds and resources into tracking such videos and the people behind them?

That only, and exemplary punishment, can stop this ghastly trend from getting out of hand.

The proliferation of rape videos raises questions at multiple levels: parenting, security and governance, freedom of expression, the politics of banning, et al.

But most curiously, at the metaphysical level of public morality. The answers need to be sought at all these levels.

What society are we building where the hapless cries of a rape victim induce not disgust but peals of laughter and maybe arousal?

Skewed ideas on sexuality are the culprit. Will proliferation of ethical porn, along with sex education, be effective in phasing out such videos?

Can we also collectively work towards instilling confidence in victims that the videos are not a testimony of THEIR guilt?

Once they understand that, the victims won’t be bullied and the videos will likely lose their potency.

Who knows, there may not be any more of them, considering how futile the exercise would appear!

When we can’t kill the virus, we look for vaccines to render it impotent.