Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4494

Life Long Ambition
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as do many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently, he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above came booming out from the clouds, saying: "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT. STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So, he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this Heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again: "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed...
Then the voice again boomed: "USE THE OLD BALL."
Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4495

The Punishment Fits the Crime
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.
The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?" Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4496

12-Inch Man
One evening a drunk walks into a bar, sits down and happens to notice a 12-inch tall man standing a few feet away from him. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: "What the hell is that?"
The guy replies: "He's a pianist!"
"No way," the drunk says, "You're pulling my leg"
So, the guy next to him picks up the 12-inch man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man starts hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
"That guy is great," the drunk says. "Where did you get him"?
The man told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
Inspired by the story, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When the genie finally pops out the drunk says: "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead crapping all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing.
"You bastard," he says. "I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden a million ducks appeared and started crapping all over my new suit."
The man started laughing and wildly exclaimed: "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?" Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4497

Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims. "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance!" Satan replies. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?" Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4498

A Need for Speed
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair and making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says: "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says: "Excuse me ma'am, but I saw you cross the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says: "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!" Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4499

Exciting News
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well, I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie. "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4500

Daughter’s Purses
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
The brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says: "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My daughter smokes."
The redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says: "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
Finally, it's the blonde's turn and she finds a used condom. She says: "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis!" Ryan Murphy