am I overreacting or not dh/family issue long...

ok so idk if I'm just hormonal from having a baby a 12days ago or am I thinking clearly and should be mad ok here it is

me and my dh have 3 kids we moved to another state a few months ago we are staying with family trying to find a home which we are about to get but we are still very tight with money from the move still trying to get to a comfortable point well his dad I don't care for I love the rest of my in laws well his dad always wants to borrow money or always asking for something we helped him sell one of his cars after he lost his job which he got a good amount of money from but instead of looking for a job while he had that money he laid around and used up the money now he lost his Apartment and just started staying with family but now my husband sending him money because he keeps texting that my husband needs to help him he's very ungrateful he expects more and more he's 100% healthy only in his late 40s so he's young but yet he expects my husband to support him he could careless that my dh can barely support me and the kids which we are struggling to survive right now we got in a huge fight last night over this its just frustrating so pls tell me what you all think sorry for the long vent

Comments (11)

You are not overreacting, his father is using you. You need to cut the money to his dad. Do you and your husband have separate bank accounts? I think that if you don't, now might be a good time so that you can keep your money away from him so that he doesn't give it to his father and that way you won't struggle as much if your money isn't going out the window with his as well. Maybe when your DH tries to give him money and realizes he can't because there's no money to give him in his account that it will wake him up.

sorry for all the run on sentences I was trying to hurry and type while my 1yr old was jumping on me.

We share a bank account that does sound like a good idea I think I'm going to do that.

I just didn't know if I was overreacting because he got mad saying its family we should help family, but my question is how much help is enough? Than he wants to say its because its his family which is not the issue, and I don't even give any of my family money at all.

When your husband is enabling him, it's too much. Money here and there, fine, if it's actually for something useful, like he's short 20 bucks for electric but clearly your FIL has issues spending and doesn't use the money properly and therefore, you're wasting your money because the money isn't helping him at all.

I agree, your family comes first. Would DH take the food out of his kids' mouths to feed his father, a man that can work and make his own money? If it was a one-time emergency, yeah stuff happens but over and over has no excuse.

Are there ways other than giving him money that you can help him? Like having him over for dinner or driving him to job interviews or finding a new apt? I'd say here or there or even paying a set bill every month (like paying his rent so you know where its going) would be ok as long as you can afford to do so, otherwise no way.

Helping family should happen, yes. Supporting family while they do nothing and put the rest of the family at risk should not happen. We let my mom live with us for 2.5 years, we cosigned her car. We are all about helping family. But we are not about putting our livelihood at risk to help someone who doesn't want 'help', but instead wants someone else to be the grownup for them.

If you are staying with other family, struggling to get your own home, adding a new baby, etc, you simply cannot afford to help your FIL.

As PP mentioned, your husband is taking much needed money away from his wife and children and giving it to his father. You are his priority, not his father.

If you get to a place where you are comfortable with your savings and FIL hits a rough patch, I could see helping him out, but neither applies here. DH needs to cut off they money train and FIL needs to get a job.

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Nobody is a perfect mom, I just think that some moms are really good liars - Lizzard

ok thank you everyone I wanted to make sure I wasn't being a heartless jerk . I know my dh and kids are my priority that's y I was working so hard before having my baby to make and save money so we can get into our house and be stable like we we're before the move . When we lived in the same state we use to have father inlaw over but that was annoying , after we bought a ton of food my husband bbq all this great stuff all my father in law could say was it was Edible no thank you nothing I was so mad! I can see y my mother in law divorced him.

You're 100% in the right. Sounds like your dh has a caring heart so do praise him for being kind & willing to help family but it's time to make a budget on paper so the priorities get straight.
My dh works well w/ concrete numbers and things written down. He can't argue w/ numbers but he can argue & dismiss it when I'm perceived as "emotional or hormonal."