Familial Conversation Translations: Winter Holiday Edition

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You ever wake up on morning feeling refreshed and relaxed because there’s no school and no responsibilities for anything other than your free 30 day Netflix trial? And then you’re startled out of your daydream by a loud, “Get you lazy, ungrateful butt out of your room and help me in the kitchen!”

Welcome to Winter Break.

You’d expect that with inevitable family gatherings for the holidays and all those relatives floating around that your parents would be on their best behavior. And they are. At least, when said relatives are in the room. When there’s no one around though, well, pray you’ve saved up enough for a trip to the ear doctor… (hold on, searching it up)… O-T-O-L-A-R-Y-N-G-O-L-O-G-I-S-T. (Nailed it).

Sometimes these insults they sling at you are hurtful. But don’t worry. In reality, they’re just ways in which your parents hide their true feelings —that they appreciate and are immensely proud of you— with just a little bit of extra festive flare. In fact, here’s a helpful little translation guide to help you understand what your parents are actually saying:

Mom: “Clean up your room! We have family coming over in five hours!”

Translation: “You’re so responsible! I’m so proud you’re my child. Don’t worry about cleaning; it’s not like we’re having dinner in your room!”

I know this might be hard to believe, but trust me, even as she takes away your phone and shuts off the Wi-Fi, she’s really just proud of you and everything you’ve done for her.

(Disclaimer: The Irvington Voice is not responsible for any physical, psychological, or property damage that inevitably will occur when following the advice of delusioned fifteen-year-old staff writers.)

Dad: “Fix your clothes! You look like a mess and I will not let you meet your grandparents dressed like that!”

Translation: “I have no sense of style, so I’m glad you do! You don’t have to change anything you’re wearing!”

But of course, your parents aren’t the only ones who are going to be hiding their true feeling behind false pretenses. So BONUS! The following are a few extra translations for when that dreaded family dinner begins (you can thank me later).

Aunts: “Our Shirley has a 5.6 GPA and does 20 hours of community service a week. Have you done anything worthwhile with your life?”

Translation: “Our Shirley should be more like you! So polite and well dress. Compared to you, our child is a failure in life.”

Uncles: “There’s so much food!”

Translations: “There’s so much food and somehow all of you are going to eat half the table and still stay fit. Curse my middle-age-man body!”

Grandma and grandpa: “This shepherd’s pie is terrible!”

Translation: “This shepherd’s pie is terrible!”

And there you are. A few helpful translations that’ll help you survive the winter holidays long enough to return to your P.J.s and binge watch Stranger Things 2. Or spend the rest of the break locked in your room with your phone taken away and all the Wi-Fi shut off.