"The only aspect of this piece that had to be manufactured," Sheen says, "were the president's words."

Oh. Yeah, well, there's that.

But, hey, so, um, yeah! It's almost the big day! The winner, who may or may not know who he or she is, will be announced Tuesday on "The Alex Jones Show," which appears to be a largely Internet-based radio broadcast. And Charlie Sheen will be on the show!

"Alex would like that first prize
winner to appear on the show with Charlie (we will try to contact you before the announcement).
Please check with your email or YouTube message system, etc., and stand
by to be contacted in the event of winning pending final judgement.
Until then… stay tuned."

No, the Ministry of Gossip didn'treview all of Mr. Sheen's footnoted research, so yeah, commenters, ya got us there.

We just wanted to celebrate the occasion of some lucky budding filmmaker getting the chance to pay down some low-five-figures debt.

Photo: Wonder if Jon Cryer considered submitting a short film in costar Charlie Sheen's contest? it's all fun and games on the "Two and a Half Men" set in Burbank before shooting in February 2008, but Jon does earn quite a bit less than Charlie, and $14,000 is $14,000. Credit: Ringo H.W. Chiu / For The Times.

Related conspiracy theory dispatches from the Ministry of Gossip:

We don't have any. Honest. Or do we -- and we're just not telling you about them? Hmm?