Thursday, February 23, 2012

Between my Hate Index from last Friday and The Iceman’s hate-filled manifesto from the other day, tensions are running high around these parts. Not really, I guess, but I still have a fair amount of bile at the pit of my ten pack abs that could use some spewin’. In case you aren’t a gear-head or don’t buy logs of Skoal, The Daytona 500 is this Sunday. Oh man, is there anything better than the Super Bowl of Racin’? I THINK NOT. How do you make a great American event like the 500 even better? Why, you get John Cena to be the “start your engines” guy, naturally! Auto Racing has to be the only sport that runs their title game first and then plays the regular season, right? This makes sense to MUDawg’s kin, I’m sure, but to no one else.

A couple of years ago, I actually tried to appreciate the “sport” of racing. It didn’t take. Tony Stewart was winning races while weighing in at 450 pounds; it just made no sense to me. I haven’t watched any part of any race in over three years probably. I regret nothing. Cars and speed just don’t interest me as much as zombies and Arlo Givens. I don’t like auto racing. It is a waste of time. Granted, without it, Dut would have never met his boyhood idol, Carl Edwards, but NASCAR can get fucked. Is it still popular? Is it still the largest growing sport in America? I’d bet that whoever came up with that stat is also the same company that says that CBS is America’s most-watched network.

So today, I’m going to rank my five least favorite sports. Some of these I have previously ranted about so there might be links to old posts if I’m feeling saucy.

5. Tennis – There are a few reasons why tennis sucks. The first being that no one from America is any good at it and the best players in the world have names with over 40 vowels in them. Second, the technology and stremph has made it nothing but aces. Long points are good. Rocket serves are not. Finally, not one man on the tour has any personality at all. Andy Roddick is only interesting because he gets to suck on Brooklyn’s knobs and that is something that I would very much like to accomplish today. I feel like tennis has just embraced the dull. And that's fine because I don't want to watch it anyway.

4. Lacrosse – It’s just your typical sport for rich, white asshole kids. The only famous lacrosse players out there are Steve Stiffler and the guys at Duke. Needless to say, this sport breeds rape.

3. NASCAR – I’ve already ranted enough. How about a sub-rant? My three least favorite drivers that I hope pull an Intimidator are:
a. Kyle Busch – He should probably be playing lacrosse.
b. Tony Stewart – acts like a tough guy…is most definitely not a tough guy
c. Carl Edwards – This is mostly just because he had sex with Dut and looks like Chris Barnes (my least favorite bowler ever)
Joe Gibbs still rules the world though. He and my boy, Denny Hamlin, are going to, uh, win a ton of races while watching our Redskins return to glory! Oh, you want me to make a prediction for Sunday's left turn-a-thon? Ummmmm...Jimmie Johnson?

2. MMA – Bunch of meathead closet-queers. Read this. I realize that every fighter and fan of this stuff could kill me in 5 seconds, but it still sucks. The pussy in me says that glorifying violence is bad for the children! Pro wrestling is much better and more realistic!!!

1. Soccer – I respect nothing about this game. I wrote about it more during the Women’s World Cup horse manure in the Summer. I was rooting for the Lady Nips in the Finals out of sheer spite for this crappy sport. And don't get me started on that ferry Euro shit that dickheads try to tell you is the most popular sport EVER. It is not a beautiful game because beauty isn't defined as "lame as Grumpy's dick". I could kick every soccer player's ass. FACT.

So, let’s get some more stuff off our chests today. I’ll just get it out of the way now: Other than “because you are a racist”, why do you hate the NBA? GO!

Also, golf and bowling would be better if you could yell shit. But then again, bowling is about the most perfect sport anyway.

It's been awhile since I've bragged about this but I got the great Walter Ray Williams, Jr's autograph at the PBA World Championships from Eastern Michigan University's Convocation Center in 2004. ELITE!

I don't get the MMA either. I try to get into it every time there is a big fight. Alot of my friends will head out to the bar to watch it and I will get nice and sauced in anticipation of the fight. Then, I inevitably end up playing pool and gawking at college girls while missing the title bout.

Hmm...I'm gonna disagree with a few of these, even though I don't really watch them.

Tennis -- I don't watch, but I've watched a few of the major championship matches lately and they have been damn impressive. The fact that Nadal and Jokovic (however you spell his name) played tennis for over 5 hours in the Australian Open Final was very impressive. They are definitely in ridiculous shape.

MMA - I find it much more interesting to watch than Boxing. I couldn't name more than 5 of these guys...but, I'd rather watch an MMA fight than any boxing match.

Soccer -- It has drawn me in. I like watching it now. You won't find me glued into any MLS stuff. But, I like watching the international games.

Sports I don't give a fuck about...

4.) Bowling..get the fuck out of here with that shit.

3.) Boxing. This sport is dead as fuck. No heavyweights and two cunts that don't think $ 40M each is reason enough to fight each other. Fuck this sport.

2.) Woman's basketball. Holy shit is this just awful.

1.) Any car racing. I've said it before, but my Uncle presents the Indy 500 trophy every year. I could go to that thing and basically get the red carpet treatment. I live 2.5 hours away. I've never gone and don't see that changing any time soon.

Women's tennis is not bad due to the skimpy outfits they wear. G$ can appreciate this due to his crush on Serena Williams and her linebacker shoulders.

The NBA sucks due to many factors. Guy dribbles down the court and passes to the wing. Guy on the wing backs down his defender for 15 seconds. Guy shoots a turnaround jumper. That's 90% of all offensive possessions. This is just one reason.

I dealt with High School Girls soccer because my sister was quite good and I liked watching her play. Now that she is down at OSU, there is no way I will ever turn it on or attend a game again. I figure that this country has enough awesome sports to choose from. Keep the 3 hour kickball fest across the pond for the eurotrash to enjoy.

I didn't include women's sports because I figured that those were a given. But women's volleyball is insanely erotic. I would watch that over a a lot of stuff.

Brady, "gawking at college girls" is one of the top 3 sports in America. YOU ARE AN ATHLETE!

OK, I'm confused. What the hell is the Janitor's Jamboree and who is Mr. Kruger? The guy from Seinfeld? Wait--that guy shot himself in the head and survived? No way. K-UGER!

I always like the argument by race fans that "it is a great party" and whatnot. Like you can only enjoy it with a case of beer in you or something. That shouldn't have to be a requirement for anything.

Tennis needs a "bad boy". Someone who is a complete asshole that calls his opponent a fag or something. They need a country club version of James Harrison.

What Damman describes only occurs when LeBron James is on the floor. I actually prefer the pace of NBA games over college games. Why is it necessary to have a 35 second shot clock? You should be able to get a decent shot off in 25 seconds. Can you believe that a few years ago it was FORTY second shot clocks! Insane.

G$...That's a good point on tennis needing a "bad boy". Look at what Agassi was. I could see one coming. Tennis is a rich kid's sport, so there has to be some raging pampered cocksucker that's coming up that will be a huge douchebag. Even if he's a Euro, I'll root for that guy.

G$'s list is a good one and his reasoning is sound. However, you know what would make me interested in his Top 5 least favorite sports?

IF YOU COULD GAMBLE ON THEM.

England is messed up place full of tooth less homos, angry muslims and Adele's big fat ass - but that country GETS gambling. You can place a wager on any sporting event (domestic or foreign) up until 5 minutes before the event starts at betting parlors throughout the country. Pay your tax on the winnings and your out the door.

In summary: Gambling is fucking awesome and I wish I could do it more often.

Surviving a gun shot to the head pretty much defines ELITE. Even if it was retarded in the first place.

I would watch the shit out of tennis if there was some new guy that was good and wouldn't shake his opponent's hand or bow to the queen or point at a judge and mimic fellatio. Sports are at their best when you have Hero vs. Villain and tennis hasn't had a villain since fucking McEnroe (or maybe Agassi).

Personally, I do not like the NBA, because of the percieved lack of defense and a lot of the personalities/egos.

Additionally, if given the choice of the college game over the pro game in any sport, I will always choose the college game due to the tradition, rivalries, and stakes involved. The college tradition behind rituals and even stadiums is unmatched. On that same token, Duke/UNC, Ohio State/Michigan, Florida/FSU, etc... are far better rivalries than any rivalry in pro sports. Lastly, because the teams do not play as many games, especially against one another, the rivalries mean more and losses in general can kill you (Unlike Yankees vs. Red Sox). In the NFL you could lose 7 games in the regular season and still go to the Super Bowl. In college football, if you lose even 1 game you may lose your shot at a national title. In the NBA, you can lose 30 games in the regular season and 9 games in the playoffs and still make it to the title game (at which time you can lose 3 more games and still be champ). In the NCAA tourney, one loss and you are out. Additionally, if you lose 7-10 games in NCAA Basketball you are going to have a shitty seed halfway across the country.

The Daytona 500 is a decent race to watch for the last 60 laps or so; especially if you are betting on it and you have racers in the thick of it. We should have done fantasy NASCAR dammit!! I guess we still could.. Someone start it up!

I loved Carl til he blew the chase last year. What a shitty driver.

I used to have a coworker tell me about soccer daily. Thankfully he is no longer in my office. Soccer people are the worst.

Iceman and I had an elite scramble with friends battle last night. That had to be the two highest scores of all time.

Way to go completely off-topic, LS. You make solid points that everyone on the planet already knows about but I'd rather watch the best players in the world play a sport expertly. It's just MY PERSONAL OPINION.

Since the NBA was mentioned, I would just like to point out that if the season ended today the Hawks would be the 6th seed...2 places back from where I said they would be. Here it is in case you forgot:

-Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing. They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round. That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years

To which MuDawg replied:

Suck 50 dicks in a row Ice -this is the best and most deep Hawks team for the past 5 years. They've got conference finals swag like you wouldn't believe.

LaRon Landry's arms are twice the size of Scott Steiner's. He is definitely on the juice which explains why he gets fucking hurt all the time. He probably won't be a Redskin next year anyway. Landry has the demeanor of a Steeler though...excellent cheap-shotter.