May 19, 2010

Taking the stance of the victim is easy and enticing, but it holds no accountability and provides justification for a lack of moving forward. For years I have watched fear of being wrong conquer the need for accountability, producing repercussions that range from minimal to extreme. It is always easier to blame circumstances and others for the issues or predicament we find ourselves in, minimizing our role as to not feel wrong. If we look at the fear of being wrong, we will see the power it holds and how it is the root of the behavior. Years ago when dealing with a young woman in treatment I became profoundly aware of how the victim stance can devastate not only the person, but those who love and care for her as well. It started with a lie to cover what she felt justified doing. She had wanted to have freedom and not feel under the thumb of her parents, she wanted to live life the way she wanted, not "the way her parents believed." Soon her guilt grew and the knowledge of her rebellion was revealed. In an attempt to justify her actions she began to blame her parents, then as she felt her rationale crumbling, she spun a web of lies. Later, it all came out and the truth flowed. I could see the relief in her eyes and hear the sadness in her heart as she realized the gravity of her misdeeds. I wish I could say all turned out well for her and she had simply confessed the lies, but the wreckage was deep and extensive. Time will help her and her family overcome a devastating event, all created by the fear of being wrong. It is to our advantage to not get caught up in the victim stance and especially not to model it to our children.