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Your January detox is a waste of time

You hit it pretty hard over Christmas and New Year, suddenly the idea of not drinking for 31 days sounds fantastic. Why had it never crossed your mind before?

BECAUSE IT’S RIDICULOUS

A month of staying in, not drinking and generally being miserable doesn’t help you. If anything it will just put to waste all of the work you put in shaking off your tag as a lightweight over the course of the year. It will always result in you getting absolutely mortal on the first February and consequently making a tit of yourself!

If you’re midway through attempting the ludicrous January detox it’s not too late to save your dignity come February the second and generally speaking your social life.

Here’s exactly why the idea should never be entertained, let alone executed!

1. Fear of missing out.

The fear of missing out, or FOMO, is one of the most irritating and unavoidable feelings when keeping away from the demon drink. While you’re at home sticking to your orange juice and watching whatever Comedy Central has thrown your way, you just know in your heart of hearts that your friends are having the best night that anyone has ever had or will ever had. And you know what? They’re doing it all without you. FOMO, it’s a serious condition that needs to have awareness raised for.

2. You definitely did not consume as much alcohol as you think you did.

The closing days of the year are generally spent getting drunk night after night with the odd liquid lunch thrown in here or there. This owes largely to that peculiar limbo week in which no one has the faintest idea where they’re meant to be. When people don’t have to go to work, they panic. It’s amazing to watch but the beer soon flows. The devil might make work for idle hands but even the most ruthless incarnation of him could never make you reach for the amount of pints which would merit a month off. That’s just crazy talk.

3. You realise TV is pretty shit.

If you hadn’t figured this one out already, you certainly will in January. Last Christmas was pretty upsetting because, and I’m not sure if I’ve just grown cynical over the years, the traditional yuletide television was appalling. Who decided that Robbie the Reindeer shouldn’t be on each and every Christmas? They should be on the naughty list. If you stay in throughout January, you’ll be subjected to Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory or whatever shite Sky One is churning out these days. Don’t subject yourselves to that, get drunk instead.

4. You’re missing out on the opportunity to turn up.

To be perfectly honest, I’m just a huge fan of this GIF and wanted to make sure everyone had seen it. Still, if you get drunk enough, you too can dance like DiCaprio or at the very least feel like you’re dancing like him, which tends to be case for the most of us.

5. Going out is just more fun.

You know this to be true. Sitting on your sofa, in your room or whatever living space you might enjoy is great if you’re in your mid-30s. There will come a time wherein you just want the security that the sofa brings, and that’s ok. The problem is that you’re not in your mid-30s. You should enjoy a functioning liver while it’s still a viable option.

Go out in January, get drunk and please don’t subscribe to this hierarchy of nobs who think ‘Dry January’ is a thing. It’s not, you’re just an idiot.