I read some ridiculous dating advice article a few years ago and one of the tips was something like:

“Under no circumstances is the first date an appropriate forum to showcase your weird human tricks.”

It won’t be shocking to anyone that I respectfully disagree. I mean, what better way to impress someone you just met than by showing off the fact that you can wiggle your ears, raise one eyebrow or curl your tongue?

(The exception to this rule is tying a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue. Good for you if you can do that, but that’s definitely third date, “I’m ready to bone you now” material.” Or do it on the first date, by all means, but just know that then you’re basically required to put out. I don’t make the rules; I just report them.)

Unfortunately, while I would love to have been able to show potential suitors (when that was a thing) all of my human body tricks, I don’t actually have any. I can’t twitch my nose. I can’t do the splits. I can’t put my legs behind my head or lick my elbow. I even spent an entire summer in front of the mirror pushing my eyebrow up with one finger, but despite that, I still can’t raise an eyebrow. And don’t even get me started on the fact that my entire family (OK, my mom and one of my brothers) can easily curl their tongue and I can’t. Kind of a shitty way to find out you’re adopted, don’t you think?

(Also, I want to be clear that despite not being able to curl my tongue, do the splits or put my legs behind my head, I am perfectly adequate in bed. Or so I’ve been told.)

There is ONE stupid human trick I can do, but I’m not even sure if it counts.

In case you can’t tell what I am doing, I am bending JUST the first joint in every finger. It’s way grosser in person, especially when I take my claw-like hand and gently pet your head. Trust me.

But yeah, that’s literally the only thing I can do. At the Tahoe Cabin last weekend, everyone was making hair mustaches under their noses and guess who couldn’t figure out how to do it? That’s right: ME.