Friday, December 17, 2010

A long time ago when I was a college student, I attended my fair share of college basketball games. In fact, I only missed one non-over-the-holidays home game (stupid class) in four years. It helped that all students got in for free but I like to think that I would have went anyway. I try to make it to 2 or 3 games per year still today. With all of that as a backdrop, I've seen plenty of halftime shows over the years. Some were horrendous. Some were actually pretty good. But I watched them all. And today I figured that I could take some time and rank the quality of college basketball halftime shows.

I suppose I should mention that I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The puppy and I have spent every night over the last two weeks out in the backyard playing with the frisbee. He can't catch anything but no one runs after it through the snow with more passion and desire than my dog. It's actually pretty funny. And every single time I flip the frisbee across the yard, I think that we are getting closer to going on the college basketball halftime show circuit. Trust me, you would love watching me and my dog play frisbee. Especially in the snow. I would make it part of my demands as a halftime act that the court had to be covered in snow before we go on. Anyway, let's get to my rankings.

Dead Last: The Firecrackers - I loathe this act. It's a bunch of pre-teen girls doing a bunch of things with jump ropes and maybe doing flips and they all wave to the crowd after everything they do. I find them dull and uninspired and this puts me in the minority of most hoops fans. I'm OK with that, too. Little girls are annoying and jumping rope is easy. When in doubt, I usually like to avoid things that pedophiles would get off to. I guess I'm just old-fashioned. Is it fair to call a bunch of ten year old girls overrated and boring? It is here.

8. Recognizing some other team at the school - Ugh, this is reserved for usually the weeknight home game in January against the worst team in the league. So the AD comes out and introduces the equestrian team that finished 12th at the regional championships. Ummmm, OK? Thanks for putting me to sleep with these pseudo-sports.

7. Acrobats/Contortionists - Have you ever seen these guys that look like they are getting freaky with each other but they are actually doing flips and stuff? I don't know what their actual names are but it's pretty impressive the first time that you see it. After that, well, it's not very manly.

6. Unicycle Guy - Speaking of a guy who has videotape on the Firecrackers, it's UNICYCLE GUY!!! This guy came to Millett Hall ONE time and it was the most bizarre thing ever. He just sort of rode his bikes around the court for 8 minutes and then he was done. No one knew what was going on. And that is what made it brilliant!

5. The School Sexy-Dance Team - If you want to oogle ladies at halftime, this is where it's at. Sure, you have to sacrifice your eardrums and the terrible hip hop music for the glory of attractive college chicks wearing spandex, but that is sooooo worth it. The key is to not get caught drooling.

4. Student Contests - I think that these are underrated. I actually like the promotion where some idiot has to make three shots in 30 seconds or something. But there is a catch. I don't like it when they trot out a guy with a nice jumper. No, I want a fat dude who shoots two-handed and airballs half of his shots. And then when he has to self-rebound, he almost dies. Now THAT is good comedy.

3. That Lady Who Flips Bowls - Saw her at an Ohio State game and have seen her at NBA games...just outstanding. I think she has a unicycle, too. She flips multiple bowls from her feet to the top of her head. Yeah, people do that apparently. Check out the video.

2. Trampoline Dunkers - Come on, everyone likes these guys. The group that used to come to Oxford were dressed in various different colors of the Green Man suits and wore sunglasses. They were badasses. They may have even had lightning bolts on their capes. But this act isn't too hard to figure out anyway. Dunks are awesome. Trampolines are great. Put them together and it's pure gold. But it pales in comparison to the Kings of the Halftime Show...

1. Frisbee Dogs - How adorable. I used to get pissed and yell at the humans for making terrible frisbee tosses. How dare they make these little guys look like crap. The gall! Unless we're talking about Mike Vick's house, I think it's safe to say that dogs make everything better. Especially those that can run, jump, and catch...Braylon Edwards can't do that. But be honest, seeing a frisbee get tossed, thinking that there is no way that the dog can get there in time, and then it does is a great feeling. You feel like you've already won when the Frisbee Dogs are in the building.

I think that that about covers it. I'm looking forward to puppy and I's first halftime gig. He'll be so nervous that he poops on the court. And then I will act like it never happened and make one of the ballboys clean it up. It's going to be great.

At the Michigan/Duke game a few years ago they had these two buff dudes that did the acrobat/muscle/contortion type thing...the same type of ppl the pope was mind fucking a few days ago. It was pretty crazy. But the dogs would be pretty cool.

G$, I have a hard time believing that you could train your dog to do anything other than bark uncontrollably and shit all over.

I fully admit to watching the dog competition whenever it's on ESPN 19...or whatever off-shoot of ESPN they bury this contest on. If you ask me, it should get prime-time coverage. I would much rather watch dogs do awesome stuff than watch a WNBA sequence that showcases women's ability to turn the ball over 40 times in an 8 minute block. The Jack Russell races are the shit. Those tiny bastards give zero fucks about their surroundings and will sacrifice every inch of their bodies to get that fucking rabbit on a string. Those sonsabitches concuss themselves more than Don Beebe. Warriors.

Ah yes! The Stihl competition is fucking boss. Do I want to watch grown men with ZZ Top beards in flannel saw down 80 foot evergreen trees in 38 seconds with chainsaws that have motors the size of a Ford 150 engine? You're God Damn right I do.

The dance team has to be #1. I knew most of them from Toledo a few years ago and they were all huge whores. They get bonus points for that in my book.

I just read through yesterdays comments and I apologize for giving everyone blue balls on the Tilted Kilt review.. The girls wear SHORT kilts (with nothing under), and have a skimpy top so their boobs are in your face. They're actually attractive for the most part unlike Hooters. The food is a huge step up from Hooters, and their beer selection looked great (unfortunately I couldn't drink for a working lunch). They also have a shitload of TVs. I hope this is better.

G$ - every now and then I see this halftime act advertised on Sportscenter's "Not top 10" it's the Mascot Showdown.

Essentially they get 10 assholes dressed up in full mascots gear and make them play basketball or hockey vs. each other. Half of the time they can't move around or turn their head. The Hockey one is especially funny as they skate for 5 seconds and fall directly on their ass. This is pretty quality.