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How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into a Violent, Videogame-Induced Rage

It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all
videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts
of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality,
only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this
description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.

Also, this really only applies to these men while they're
playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if
not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where
they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a
game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely
will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than
not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place
before The Ragestate occurs.

This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition
(and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this
ragestate.

THE THREE STAGES OF NERDRAGE

Recognizing the events which typically take place during the lead-up to
a Rage-Fuelled Videogame Nerd Outburst can mean the difference between
a pleasant night spent playing games with friends and a fractured skull
brought about by the hurling of a weighted gaming mouse.

Stage 1: Sullen Annoyance

The Rager may begin to believe that every negative event which affects
him in the game (i.e. "The world is out to get him"). Common negative
gameplay occurences (such as in-game deaths), instead of being
perceived not as unfortunate happenstance, will instead be viewed as
having been "impossible" or "bullshit". The Rager will often insist
that "the game is bugged" or that he "lagged out" (meaning, his
connection to the internet or LAN faltered momentarily). He may also
imply or speculate that other players may be "using an aimbot" or
"hacking".

Stage 2: Childish Accusations

The Rager will begin to angrily and directly attack others, accusing anyone
who kills him of "cheating" or "being cheap". As the difference between
these terms may not be readily apparent to some of you who do not play
games, I will attempt to explain the distinction (as it applies to The
Rager himself).

Cheating: Changing or modifying game files (usually using an external
program) to give yourself an unfair advantage over The Rager

Being Cheap: Killing The Rager with a weapon or item he does not
currently have equipped. Also: Utilizing gameplay tactics or techniques
which The Rager is incapable of performing himself.

During gameplay, it will not be at all uncommon to hear The Rager
whining or muttering things like "How did that fucker kill me, he was
all the way across the map?", "What the hell was that shit, you
couldn't even see me!?", or "I shot that asshole in the head like 10
times and he's still alive? Fucking hacking bullshit. Fuck."

Stage 3: Physical Acts of Violence

The final signal that a Rageburst is imminent will be the physical acts
of violence such as pounding on the desk, knocking foodstuffs to the
floor, or the throwing of peripherals. In rare cases, self-mutilation
may also be present, often manifesting itself in the biting of (or
gnawing at) one's own arm, leaving visible tooth impressions.

Depending on the level of embarrassment the Ragenerd feels, he may or
may not attempt to blow these actions off as jokes immediately after
performing them, often claiming that he was "just messing around." If
this occurs, and the rage behavior does not continue, it is probably
safe to let it go and walk away. However, if The Rager continues to
rage (if the rage becomes "frenzied") you must assume that it will
continue indefinitely. The Rager has become a howling whirlwind of
spazdeath, and must be stopped at all costs.

PACIFICATION & HARM MITIGATION

Once The Rager has reached Stage 3 (Tooth-Gnashing Lunatic Fury), there
can be no turning back. Immediate action is required on your part if
you wish to avoid incurring damage to your home, property, or other
guests. Any attempts to calm The Rager by saying things like "Calm down
man, it's just a game" are not only futile at this point, they are
overtly harmful, as they will only inspire more anger and wrath in the
heart of The Rager.

Sedation

If one recognizes the symptoms early enough, it may be a good idea to
attempt to subdue The Rager with sedatives. A previously inserted
subclavian IV line along with a fast-acting barbiturate such as
Methohexital or Sodium Thiopental would be ideal, but more often than not this is prohibitively inconvenient. In most situations you may have to resort to simply
jabbing a syringe of the stuff into their jugular and hoping for the best.

It
is worth noting, however, that when it comes to videogamers of
more...shall we say, abundance, you may find that the needle is
unable to pierce the leathery carapace formed by their hardened neck
fat and unkempt, greasy beard hair. If this occurs, you may find that your insistent stabbings will only serve to
further agitate them.

Moreover, even if one were to manage to inject a so-called
"knockout" drug directly into their bloodstream, chances are that it would still take a 3-6 minutes to take effect. In that time, you can fully expect The
Rager to have sucked your eye from its socket, swallowing it whole
after severing the optic nerve with a bite.

Physical Incapacitation

If The Rage has already begun, it may be necessary to resort to less
scientific methods of debilitation. These methods may include (but are
not limited to):

Sleeper Hold (Carotid Restraint)

Twirling Colorful Umbrella While Doctor Who Theme Plays on Boombox

Nipple-To-Car Battery Electrocution

Lampcord Strangulation

Using Nude Pencil Drawing Of Slave Leia as Lure Under Cardboard
Box Trap

Small-Caliber Bullet To The Kneecap (To Forment Immobility)

Direct Blow To Base Of Skull With Wrought Iron Rod

Some of these suggestions may seem fairly extreme, but you must
remember that expensive videogaming equipment is at stake here. Your
arrest and eventual conviction on any number of felonies is a small
price to pay when compared with the cost of replacing an HDTV. Some can
cost upwards of a thousand dollars! Just imagine it.

Paralytics

As a last resort, high doses of a presynaptic paralyzing agent such as
Botulinum toxin (Botox) or the tetrodotoxin (secreted by the Japanese
Fugu fish) may be used to immobilize the subject for an indefinite
period. However, this is only recommended as a last resort, as these
substances may paralyze the lungs or other essential organs, resulting
in acute resperatory failure and/or death.

Still, it's nice to know you have the option.

FINAL WORDS

I end this treatise on nerd rage with a plea to all the
nerd-ragers out there: Do not allow your anger to erupt during a
videogame. Instead, you might consider bottling it up tightly so
that it might be released in a hilarious outburst at a more opportune
time.

Examples of this would be breaking down in angry tears after masturbating to an episode of Firefly,
having a screaming fit during a game of horseshoes at a small child's birthday party, or half-sobbing/half-giggling as you hack up a high-priced escort you've
managed to lure into your windowless basement.

But whatever you do, I only ask that you keep your rage out of the game.