Happy Red Carpet 2015, Skanks

So I’m a week off in my well-wishing and BS spewing. Sorry I’m not sorry. The reality is that your festivus and post-holiday days have been filled with elastic waste bands, bargain hunting for a NYE frock that doesn’t make you look like a whale, and a butt-ton of self-loathing. Sure, Billy the Trainer may cut you a bit of slack and put you on a plan to get your fat thighs in gear. But you have some precious time until resort wear is appropriate. Not all are so lucky…

Contemplate this: while you have some weeks to recover and de-bloat under your loose layers, the Botoxed bobble heads in Hollywood are officially staring awards season in her gilded, soulless face (and man, is she a bitch).

First, props to the ladies (namely Melissa McCarthy who LOST weight) who did not pull a hoover maneuver and deepthroat a whole pan of peppermint brownies and chase it with fireball eggnog. They, instead, cleansed, ran, lipoed and spanxed their a*ses for their showing on last night’s People’s Choice Awards red carpet. Now, E! Online and I have VERY opposing views on many of the choices our favorite celebs made, which makes me: A: question the qualifications for those writing for E! and B: excited at the opportunity to lay off criticizing Memphians.

So here we go (and I’m not bothering with designers, because that is not the point today. So get over it.).

Kat Dennings wins my vote as best dressed. Those idiots at E! accused her of looking “Gothic Victorian”. First of all, I see that description as a positive rather than negative, E!. Your sex lives evidently suck. Secondly, Kat dressed for her vavavoom curvy figure and NAILED it. The belt cinches her small waist, and the lace overlay gives enough sexy peek at her amaze tatas without being overkill. Plus, sleeves are in, and her flutter sleeves are super slimming on her shoulders. The dress is elegant enough to make a statement yet appropriate for this event (It ain’t the Oscars). Her loose waves, signature red lip and Loloita heels make her look like a flirty Italian sex maven I’d like to have as my wingwoman at any event. Well-done Kat, and E!…. you are morons.

I said I wasn’t going to bust on locals; I lied. E! remarked that Ginnifer Goodwin’s ensemble was “reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe.” Ol’ M Squared wouldn’t be caught dead in this sh*t. It’s ill-fitting and does her figure NO favors. Let’s all be honest: Marilyn liked to attract mega male attention. This falls super short of that initiative’s mark. Gin with her pixie cut should wear a getup that plays up a feminine and flirty vibe. This disproportioned mess is not out-there enough to be classified as an artistic decision, and it makes every crotch across America super sad.

“Adorable” was the adjective used to describe Anna Feris’ ensemble. Look up “prostitute” in the Encyclopedia Britannica, and this would be the uniform for one.

Allison Janney’s rig looks smoking; don’t get me wrong. I mean her body is cra. I agree with E! on that. However, this gown in all of it’s blingy glory reminds you of Taylor Swift, no? That’s because TSwift wears this look all of the time as it is age-appropriate for her. Girl is 55 years old. This is too much for a 55 year old.

Ellen Pompeo almost nailed it, and she would have if she had a good tailor. Her jumpsuit needs to be HEMMED. It looks stupid that long. Heaven forbid she trip over her jumpsuit and break her neck; who else can we watch in all of their pinched-faced glory on some sad doctor show?

WHAT IS THIS COCOON? Molly Tarlov does NOT look like a Grecian goddess, E!. She looks like a gestating butterfly from Smurfville. In order to wear a drapey column dress, one should have minimal curves or it makes you look like you have no shape (or worse, the shape of a stretched blueberry). She should have worn something that accentuated her waist. And then done something better with her hair, because she looks like a high school cheerleader.

That’s all of the venom I have in me today. Lucky for us all, there will be ample opportunity for these ladies to make it up to us on another red carpet. Note this and learn from their disasters. Oh, and don’t trust E!. Ever.