I’m going out on a limb here and saying that this is – quite possible – THE BEST COMMENT this site has ever received.

I’m 34 and have been single for five years (and I’m a woman, if it makes any difference). Even in my twenties, I always found it difficult to get into a relationship. In my twenties, men just wanted to sleep around, consequence-free. Now in my thirties, I find myself unable to find single men in their thirties as well! It’s just never been easy, so getting older hasn’t changed that. That part I have to laugh at.

I tried looking at myself critically. I did online research. I asked honest friends I trusted. They all said the same thing: “You just haven’t met him yet. It’s not you.” Let me tell you, I eventually became convinced I had problems that I didn’t really have. I read articles and talked myself into having trust issues, when in fact I have many friends and I really do trust them. I ascribed a lot of psychoses to myself to try to explain my being perpetually single.

In the end, I came to the realization that it WASN’T me after all; it was the environments I was in. I worked in bars for years, and they’re generally not a good place to meet people (unless you like hopeless addicts). Now I’m in college, and everyone is significantly younger than I am, and I have no interest in the young boys.

I also had very little sense of self. All this time alone has forced me to develop that sense.

As for standards, I decided they were raised to high, but not in the way one might expect. For instance, I didn’t want to hook up with anyone; I wanted to wait until I was in a serious relationship. But that’s just not on the horizon now, so I see nothing wrong with occasionally having fun with someone. It’s like telling yourself, “lighten up!”

I also ran the gamut of ideas for meeting people: online dating, speed dating, all that nonsense. All those methods cause is burnout, bitterness and depression. I learned to stay away from those methods, and any method involving dating en masse, because we humans are not meant to have so many brief contacts with so many suitors nonstop. It cheapens the act of getting to know someone, and reduces it to a product that has to be evaluated. That’s not romantic at all.

I believe the total number of “perpetually single people” is going to continue to rise with successive generations. It just seems to be where society is heading.

I tried to figure out how the “perpetually coupled-off” people become the way they are, what they are doing to maintain that coveted label, etc. etc. I honestly can’t find a reason outside of environmental ones. You simply have to be in places where there is a sizeable pool of eligible people to date.

So, really, as much as society likes to point the finger at single people as causing their own problems, the reality is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer, as with any other human condition. I recommend therapy and perhaps changing your attitude towards relationships. Don’t prioritize having a romantic relationship; treat the idea cavalierly. Until then, sleep around if you like and don’t take it too seriously, until a person who is serious about you comes along.

I’ve said this before: the less I focus on dating, the happier I am. When I log on to Bumble or OKCupid, I get this immediate pull on my heart

Name: BAge: 38State:Question: I had a first date with a man from a dating site on Friday evening. Just drinks at a bar in town. We had exchanged a few fun emails before arranging the date, so there was lots of laughter and joking at the date, and I thought it was going well.

In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded. He said “Is that all you’re going to do? Nod?” So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was. He changed the subject. There was no red flag at the time, as everything was said in a lighthearted tone.

We discovered that my mother is from the same small town as his father, and he said “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!” which I took to be a lighthearted joke. We are also both interested in photography, and talked about our projects and exhibitions we have been to recently.

He asked me to accompany him to a gallery on Monday, and I told him that I had plans to go to a dinner party that evening. He asked me to cancel and go with him instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party, and I said it wouldn’t be possible at such short notice, and asked if he was available later in the week, but he changed the subject.

We held hands when he walked me to my car and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer. Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about. I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests. I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting. I’m confused because I always go dutch on dates, so there’s no pressure for the man to get a return on his “investment.” What’s your take on the situation?

This guy wasn’t testing you. He just wasn’t interested beyond a casual hook up. Tests are normally used to determine if there is genuine interest. This guy didn’t care if you were interested or not. He was talking about future dates and making references to how his dad would be excited that he “ended up” with a local girl to give you the impression that he was really into you.

He wasn’t. He was trying to get laid and he failed. Had you agreed to go to that gallery opening with him when he first asked, I guarantee you that he would have cancelled on you. He was trying to butter you up so you’d feel more comfortable going home with him. By the end of the date, he had exhausted all of his bush league tricks and just came out and asked you to take him home. When you said no it was game over for him. He was done trying. Don’t be fooled by the text the next day asking if you got home safely. That was just him investing in case he ever finds himself out of options.

It’s important to understand that a high percentage of the men that women meet online are just there to get laid. They’re not even looking to casually date someone. They’re looking for a straight-up one night stand. A one and done. The tell tale sign of such a man? They try to force a false sense of intimacy of familiarity right away.

He asked me to cancel and go with him instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party,

Okay. Let’s talk about the level of self-absorption and douchebaggery someone must possess to ever believe this is an appropriate request. These are the types of things that men do that should immediately make you suspicious of their intentions. This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night? He was feigning interest so that you’d be more willing to sleep with him. He’s thinking that, if you believe that a second date was already on the calendar, that you’d let your guard down. Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? That alone would have turned me off.

Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home. That alone does not mean the guy is just looking for a no strings hook up. Don’t automatically assume the guy is a lost cause of he does this. Isolated, this is not a bad sign. Combined with the “we” talk and atypical level of interest before the date is even over, and it doesn’t bode well.

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/01/19/spoiler-alert-he-just-wants-to-get-laid/feed/16Is He The Good Guy He Thinks He Is?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2016/05/16/is-he-the-good-guy-he-thinks-he-is/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2016/05/16/is-he-the-good-guy-he-thinks-he-is/#commentsMon, 16 May 2016 21:25:19 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=106728

Name: Chad

: Question: Crossed-Lines Confusion:

I’m a newly-single male, recently divorced, 39yo /w 2 children. I have been dating casually for about 6 months.

I met Tinder Girl #1 (let’s call her Laura) a couple of months ago. We’ve gone on two very informal dates, although both ended with shack-ups (no sex). We’re on the same page regarding casual dating and she’s made it clear she has no interest in children.

Although there is no real long-term potential with Laura, we have fun together. She invited me for a weekend getaway to a beach house in a small town near where I live, and we scheduled it for a month or so in the future. We text maybe once or twice a week.

Soon after, I meet Tinder Girl #2 (Tracy) who has much more potential than Laura. She’s family-oriented (2 kids herself), much more my type, and we’ve hit it off pretty well. We’ve gone on two very good dates, both dinners with some kissing and not much else. She is much more conservative than Laura, which is fine by me.

Tracy is in the latter stages of divorce, so we’ve agreed that “taking it slow” is the best approach, although she did say she only dates one guy at a time. I could certainly see our relationship progressing at some point in the future, but we certainly have not had the “define the relationship” talk, and if we did I would insist on keeping things casual at the very least until her divorce is final.

The kicker here is that I’ve determined through my master sleuthing skills that Tracy lives very, very, very close to where my weekend excursion with Laura is planned. This town very small with little downtown area and beach, which I know Tracy frequents, so it’s very possible that I could run into her while on my weekend getaway which is two weeks away.

Although Tracy isn’t my girlfriend, I can’t help but think an encounter would be problematic. We’ve been seeing each other every other week or so, and talking somewhat frequently, so an explanation of why I can’t meet-up in two weeks will at some point be needed. I don’t want to lie to her but not sure I owe her an explanation at this point.

The way I see it I have 4 options:

1: Explain the situation to Tracy, saying the plans were already in-place before we met but I don’t want to throw a wrench in our situation (probably douchey) 2: Explain the situation to Laura and offer alternate plans somewhere else (definitely super-douchey) 3. Cancel plans with Laura, saying I’ve been dating someone new. (I really hate cancelling on anyone, don’t think I ever have.) 4. Tell Tracy I’m going out of town with a friend, go on the excursion, be paranoid the whole time, and try to sort things out later if things end in catastrophe.

I guess this situation is a natural phenomenon when it comes to casual dating, and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone’s feelings. But it looks like that might be unavoidable at this point.

Any suggestions? Age: 39

The easy solution, of course, is to choose one of the women to focus on at a time. But then, where’s the fun in that? Here’s another dude who’s uneasy with the “less conservative” woman, but who sees nothing wrong with a woman who isn’t even legally divorced engaging in a serious relationship. Like, what? Unreal. Tracy still technically has a husband and yet you’re already willing to go all in on her. Laura made the crucial mistake of taking you home – a decision you participated in equally – and she’s being judged for it. Okay. Cool. Cool Cool Cool. I love these newly divorced guys who enter the 2016 dating scene still expecting women to be wearing corsets and carrying parasols.

Why are you imagining wild scenarios that will probably never happen? You don’t need to explain your whereabouts to Tracy. All you have to say is that you have plans that weekend. No need for specifics, just say you have plans. You don’t have to say anything else, nor are you required to. If you see Tracy, cross the street. Avoid her. Do what you can not to let her see you. That chances of you two crossing paths are very slim. There. Simple. If you two do run into each other, oh well. Thankfully you’re both adults and have agreed that you are not exclusive. If either of these women freak, well, at least you’ll see their true colors.

If you feel compelled to cancel your weekend away, just cancel plans with Laura and say something suddenly came up. It worked for Marcia Brady. Why are you immediately jumping to spilling your guts to Laura when there’s no need to? You’re creating drama for a reason, so what is it? Nobody willingly invites this kind of conflict into their lives. They just, you know, keep their mouths shut. You don’t seem to want to do that.

I guess this situation is a natural phenomenon when it comes to casual dating, and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone’s feelings. But it looks like that might be unavoidable at this point.

None of this is a “natural phenomenon.” None of it. I know guys who date women who live on the same block who don’t over-think like this. Hurting someone’s feelings is totally avoidable if you just keep your mouth shut. How is this even a question? Just shut it and go on your little trip and nobody will be the wiser.

You’re so busy spinning your wheels trying to convince yourself that you have the best intentions for both of these women, but do you? I mean, do you really? It’s like you’re dying to spill the beans that you’re dating two women. Why? Maybe you just want to test these two women to see how much they like you? Maybe you just really enjoy being the meat in this dry, unsavory sandwich? Whatever has you considering being honest isn’t motivated by concern for them. I don’t necessarily believe you’re trying to avoid people’s feelings. I think you’re relishing in this situation.

Name: History repeats itself : Question: Hi, I’ll start by saying I love your blog, I’ve easily read all of your posts multiple times and appreciate your upfront honesty. I try to mirror that in my life as well and be as straight forward as possible,

So in December 2015 I met two guys, one via tinder and the other in person by a mutual friend. Guy #1 I met on tinder and I messaged and snap chatted but he never asked for my number, I just gave it to him when I got tired of messaging through the app. We talked for 2 months before finally meeting at the bars. He came home and met my friends and roommate and we hooked up that night.

I told him upfront that I am not the f-buddy type. I wish I were, it’d make things easier but I get emotionally attached over the long term, and if that was his intention I wasn’t his girl. He assured me that was not what he wanted but over time that became our routine: about every other weekend he’d take me out for a cheap dinner and one of us would spend the night at the other’s house. After another 2 months I ended things, I don’t mind moving slowly but it was apparent to me I was just being strung along.

Around the same time guy #1 and I were going through our “break up”, guy #2 began texting me more. We had hooked up while I was home for Christmas break but I never thought much more of him and went back home. He came into town to visit and stayed at my place. Then he surprised me with a trip to Disney world out of the blue, later that same day I met his parents. The next day I came home from work to a flower delivery. I thought that these were true signs of serious commitment (or interest at the very least) but he later told me he did not have the slightest interest in a relationship. So once again, I ended things.

I guess the ultimate questions that this boil down to are is the half dating “relationship” the norm these days?(Regular sex with no commitment, no accountability, and no labels)

Were there warning signs I missed that led me to basically date the same guy twice?

Are these guys out of my league and just taking me for a ride?

Both times my ending things resulted in arguments, were they just mad because I was cutting off a source of sex, or because they actually cared?

I made my intentions clear in the beginning to both that I am not interested in casual sex/ no commitment and yet I still ended up here twice, I don’t want to be here again and I feel like this is 100% my fault because there is a lesson I’m not getting in all this.

I appreciate all the advice I get, thank you! Age: 25

He came home and met my friends and roommate and we hooked up that night. I told him upfront that I am not the f-buddy type.

Wait. Wut? If you’re not the fuck buddy type, then why are you taking guys from Tinder home on the first date and hooking up with them? That sounds super slut shamey, and I don’t mean it to, but there’s a palpable cognitive dissonance going on here.

I told him upfront that I am not the f-buddy type. I wish I were, it’d make things easier but I get emotionally attached over the long term, and if that was his intention I wasn’t his girl.

Let me guess: he said that wasn’t his intention? You just discovered why it took two months for him to meet you. While you two were busy doing The SnapChat he was hooking up with other girls. He’d throw you a bone every now and then by messaging with you to keep you invested, but for the most part he was busy screwing other women. Which is perfectly fine since he isn’t your boyfriend and never appeared to want to be. Then you two finally met up “at the bars” which sounds suspiciously like he agreed to meet up with you one night when he was already out. Which, you know, isn’t really a compliment. Then you take him home and hook-up with him.

So basically, you accepted the minimal scraps he threw on the ground for you…but you’re not looking for a fuck buddy. That’s funny, because you totally presented yourself as someone who was perfectly okay with screwing some guy who offered you literally nothing beyond a cold burger and a warm beer.

The minute you said you weren’t looking for something casual, he had you pegged. Why? Because usually the women who say things like that are women who sleep with men very quickly and then get blown off. Jackpot. You gave yourself away.

Grand proclamations like,” I’m not that kind of girl” mean nothing to most guys. They hear it all the time, and it’s usually before a woman’s head is in their lap. That’s because most women who say things like that don’t stand their ground. They have sex anyway. So guys just nod and say all the right things, knowing it will get them the sex. At best they’ll maybe have to wait until the second date, but not much longer than that. It’s a ruse and every experienced guy knows it.

Only take guys home on the first date if you’re okay with the possibility of things never going beyond casual. Like most women, guys pay attention to actions, not words. So, if you take him home after the first date – especially when he’s made literally no effort to meet you and you were all, “NO HOOK-UPS PLZ!!!” – he’s going to assume he can get away with anything. You put up a good front, but that facade crumbled the minute you allowed that guy into your bed despite his overwhelming lack of effort.

The big glaring red flag you ignored was that Tinder Guy – aside from the fact that he never asked for your number and you hadoot give it to him – waited two months before deigning to meet you for a drink “at the bars.” What the fuck is that even? Is that a twenty-something thing? Enough of the Tinder messaging and SnapFacing or whatever it is you kids do these days. If someone doesn’t try to communicate with you off of any social media platform, they’re not that interested. Period. Honestly, if you’re making all the effort, he’s just not that into you.

I guess the ultimate questions that this boil down to are is the half dating “relationship” the norm these days?(Regular sex with no commitment, no accountability, and no labels)

Yes, this is the norm now. The red flag in guy number two’s case is that he pulled out all the stops so quickly. You went from one extreme to the other. Anybody who pours it on that thick, that soon is suspect. Approach with caution.

I made my intentions clear in the beginning to both that I am not interested in casual sex/ no commitment and yet I still ended up here twice,

You didn’t make your intentions clear. AT ALL. With the first guy, you gave the guy the goodies the first night you met him even though he showed literally no signs of making much effort. The second was so desperate to get laid that he played Super Boyfriend to get you into bed, then pulled back. That’s what happens when you whip out disclaimers like, “I’m not looking for a hook-up.” You either get the guys who only want a hook-up or get the ones so eager to get laid they go overboard then step back once they get the sex. Or they bail all together because they sense the woman is going to be too much work.

I have no idea if you’re batting out of you league. I do know that you talk a good game but you don’t follow through. That’s your challenge.

Both times my ending things resulted in arguments, were they just mad because I was cutting off a source of sex, or because they actually cared?

Forgive me but….how the hell do I know? I’ wasn’t there. I’m not in their heads. I don’t know what was said. Both scenarios sound like a jumble of crossed wires, so I don’t doubt these conversations got heated.

I don’t want to be here again and I feel like this is 100% my fault because there is a lesson I’m not getting in all this.

There is a lesson that you’re not getting: if you don’t want to end up in something casual, don’t tip your hand. Don’t tell guys you’re not looking for a hook-up or for something casual. Either hold off on sleeping with them until you’ve gotten to know them better (beyond social media) or assume the default position of every relationship is casual until it’s not.

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2016/05/08/every-relationship-is-casual-until-its-not/feed/37Is She Just a Pound Town Pit Stop On His Way To Girlfriendville?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2016/02/04/is-she-just-a-pound-town-pit-stop-on-his-way-to-girlfriendville/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2016/02/04/is-she-just-a-pound-town-pit-stop-on-his-way-to-girlfriendville/#commentsThu, 04 Feb 2016 13:32:20 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=105899

Name: NicoleAge: 32State: VuQuestion: Dear Moxie — I have a question about online dating and exclusivity that’s sort of tangentially related to your most recent piece on whether or not first-date sex is always the kiss of death. My specific question may be a topic you’ve covered in a previous blog, but I can’t find anything similar in the archives so I thought I would ask it again.

I’ve been on OKC in my area for a little more than 2 months. I’ve gone on a fair number of dates (I think I’ve met 12-13 people in that time), but I’ve only felt strongly about 2 (in one case, I was into the guy but it wasn’t reciprocal, and in the other case the guy is not only geographically undesirable but geographically impossible. He lives in CA and I live in VA).

Anyway, I finally found someone that I like, and we’ve been out on 4 dates in the span of 8 days. The dates have gotten progressively better/more comfortable and yes – things have gotten physical. Everything in this guy’s profile — and everything that he’s said while we’ve been out — indicate that he’s looking for a girlfriend, and not just looking to screw around. (And yes, I know that he could still be full of sh** about this, but the sense I’m getting is that he wants a girlfriend.)

So here’s the deal: I know that this is OKC, and that with this site (and with any other online dating site) you have to assume that the person you’re seeing is seeing multiple other people at once. I’m positive in this case that this guy is (or at least should/could be) seeing other people; he’s 33 and extremely attractive and educated and successful (He’s an OKC unicorn, really). I can’t fault him for this and I know it’s way to early to ask for (or even discuss) seeing each other exclusively.

That said, I don’t want to be the girl he is f***ing while he looks for a “real” girlfriend, if that makes any sense. In other words, I am happy (OK, not *happy,* but at peace with) being one of multiple people he’s seeing before deciding on which one to consider his “girlfriend.” But, because I slept with him relatively soon (on date 3), I’m concerned that he’s not considering me “girlfriend material” and that I’m just in his “rotation” for possible sex when he’s bored or otherwise available.

Is there any way to delicately broach this in conversation (ie, ask him if he sees any LTR potential with us or not) or do I just let it go and ride it out until he either a) dumps me, or b) we end up dating exclusively? Like I said, I know I have to accept he’s going to be seeing other people, especially since we’ve known each other a week. But if he doesn’t consider us to have any LTR potential, I’d rather cut my losses now and take myself out of the running before I become too emotionally attached.

Thoughts? Are there signs I should look for that will tell me that I’m just someone to sleep with and not a potential GF? Or can I come out and ask?

You’ve only had 4 dates. I think you’re going to have to suck it up for awhile. If things are moving as quickly as you say, then it sounds like he’ll tell you if he wants to be serious or exclusive. A number of successive dates doesn’t always mean that you and the guy are on the same page. Take this scenario for example:

I had about 5 dates with a guy. About 2 a week. I liked him, I enjoyed him, I was attracted to him, the sex was good. But I wasn’t feeling that “thing” we all like to feel for people we’re dating. Not yet, at least. But I liked him enough to just keep my mouth shut and go along until things either progressed or came to their natural conclusion. One night, while texting, he invited me over to watch a particular TV show that I like. I was exhausted. I turned him down. Two nights later I get a call and he wants to talk about where we were headed. He said that he was looking for something mid to long term and he didn’t feel that’s where we were headed. I said okay. Just..okay. He then went on to say that we had plans the next night and wondered if I still wanted to go out or did I feel it was a waste of time. I said I thought it was a waste of time. Just that. “I think that would be a waste of time.” He then went on to tell me how much he’s enjoyed being with me and getting to know me. I told him I appreciated that. Then we hung up. The next day I realized that he was feeling me out to see how I felt. I knew when I turned down his offer to go over to his place to watch TV, I was probably sending a certain message. I wasn’t ready to shut the door just yet. I just needed time to figure things out. Since I wasn’t in a rush I figured I had time.

You said it yourself: you’ve met the OKCupid Unicorn. Instead of trouble shooting this after 4 dates, why not just enjoy it? At any given time, you might be the girl that a guy is “just sleeping with” as he continues his search for Ms. Right. There’s no escaping that. Even if you ask him where you stand, he could still tell you what you want to hear only to dump you a couple weeks or months later. It’s just too soon for both of you to tell where things are headed. Bring it up now, and you’ll possibly do damage to what you’ve established. Let go of this need to “know.” Stop fearing that you might get dumped or that you’re just a step along his journey to twu wuv. That’s dating. It won’t kill you. The more you do it, the more you build up a tolerance.

Men and women can go along to get along for a very long time. There’s no way to know for sure what they’re thinking. Even asking them doesn’t guarantee that how they say they feel in that moment will be how they feel in 2 months. There is no way to make these things fool-proof. If he does move on, it doesn’t mean you were a speed bump. He could have been giving you a trial run. It didn’t work. He took a pass.

If you insist upon saying something, and I highly advise that you don’t, then you just need to be honest. Just ask him if he’s dating anyone else. Then you’ll have your answer.

Personally, I find 4 dates in 8 days to be a bit excessive. That in and of itself is a red flag. It makes me wonder if he was just getting as many dates in as possible in order to get the sex. Most people who have jobs and lives don’t have this kind of availability, especially the ones online who are attractive and all around super duper. Those people have options. Therefore, my gut says you’ve got this guy during a dry spell. That would explain his over zealous approach. Even when a man really, really likes a woman, he’s not usually this available. So, yeah, something about this guy seems way too perfect. And we all know what that means.

One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me. I’ll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I’ll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

$55 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)

*Assistance with editing and re-writes.

*Photo selection and review.

*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.

*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.

*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Way Too Tired : Comment: Ok, so my roomate and I read your site daily and she even wrote once asking about a situation with her (ex) boyfriend. Now is my turn and I feel as clueless as Dater X. Thankfully I’m not as in denial so I’m ready for an impartial honest opinion. I keep reading our age group is on demand but we’re living anything but. I have a couple of concrete examples:

1. This guy in my office building: I’d say we are acquaintances, we sometimes have lunch together and every now and then he’ll give me a ride home since is close-ish to where he lives. He’s flirty as hell, he constantly drops hints as to how single he is and jokes about how “couply” we sometimes are (We are not. Unless being a couple comes down to texting a couple times a week and seeing each other every now and then). He gives all these signs that he’s interested, so for a moment there I thought he’d ask me out. That never happened, so I just simply stopped flirting back and now I hardly ever make contact unless I absolutely need to, which frankly sucks because I have to see him daily and he’s been gaining weight which makes me want to alternately have sex with him and cuddle for days on end. He still shows interest, which to me doesn’t make any sense. Is that just something he does because he’s bored? I’d guess there are better ways to spend his time and he could easily flirt with someone he’s actually interested in dating.

2.Random guys: Sometimes I’d be out at a play/movie/bar or more often than not at the gym, and some guy would approach me and we’d start talking. In the past these has lead to exchanging numbers, grabbing some coffee, or maybe a drunken make out or whatever. Lately, these guys still randomly just come over, flirt their asses off and then… that is it. They’ll spend an hour talking to me about whatever, buying me drinks and then when I’m leaving they’ll just give me a hug and kind of awkwardly stand there as if waiting for something and that’s it. And again, why in the world would they spend any amount of time with someone they’re not interested in seeing again? Is it just that they’re interested in an immediate one night thing and I somehow look the part so they approach me? I’m guessing that if they were bored with me they wouldn’t stick around for more than a couple of minutes.

3.The online dating guys: this has happened twice already. I’ll match with a guy, conversation flows easily and they suggest a first date at their place. At that moment I’m immediately turned off because I’m not interested at all in someone who thinks “netflix and chill” is a perfectly acceptable first date activity to someone who’s shown no signs of wanting something casual. It’s not like I’m doing anything that could be even remotely reconstructed as sexting. I’d reluctantly agree to meet at whatever public place they propose, then I’ll have a great time because the guy acts normal and then for the second date they suggest their places again, normally I’ll just not respond anymore so they backtrack and try to salvage the conversation, by pretending to have one… and this is the part that frustrates me the most. The “what’s up?” “how was your day” or whatever that leads to absolutely nothing because as soon as I answer and try to have a conversation I’m met with “nothing lol”.

In fact, last weekend I went on a date that I thought was pretty good and the guy texted me saying he had a great time and that we should watch movies at his house next weekend, I politely rejected him and he went on with the “ntm lol. How’s the whether?”. Am I overreacting? I’ve definitely gone home with strangers and had casual sex in the not so recent past and done some other stuff in the more recent past based on nothing than extreme attraction and a few words, but it’s been because I’ve been absolutely feeling it at the time and right now I’m not feeling going home with a guy I’m only kind of physically attracted to.

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and maybe my analysis is completely skewed by all the douchebags I’ve briefly befriended over the years, but I’m guessing I’m playing out of my league? I’ve always seen it as: guys ask out and put some kind of effort into dating girls who they think are at their level, and they proposition regardless of indicators that she might be interested, absolutely everyone else (I.e: those below) because they don’t mind coming off as creeps in case she rejects them.

I’m completely torn, I see some of my friends all happy and excited because some guy invited them to a fancy restaurant on a first date, feigned intimacy and labeled the relationship right away and I know that’s exactly the kind of delusions I’m not willing to believe, and I really can’t bring myself to believe that inviting someone to your house after daily texts for a week is an acceptable amount of effort to getting to know someone either… but it seems there’s no middle ground.

What the hell am I doing wrong? Age: 26 City: Milwaukee State: WI

Well, in the first two scenarios, you seem to be attracting guys regularly and with ease, but it all appears to fall apart when it comes to them closing the deal. Since you’re the only common denominator, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there’s something in your demeanor that is making them unsure if you’re interested. Based on this letter you sound kind of annoyed and impatient. If you’re just standing there looking at these guys all expectant and not giving an inch, that could be why they aren’t asking you out.

Something in those conversations is making these men think twice about asking you out. Going forward, if you sense that things are going well, then throw a feeler out like, “We should get a drink sometime.” Then give them your number and let them do the rest. You’re not overtly asking them out by suggesting you meet for a drink. You’re letting them know you’re interested. Let them pick up that ball and run with that from that point on.

As for the online dating guys, yes, if they’re asking you over to their place on the first or second date, it’s safe to say they’re just looking to hook-up. Do not even bother “reluctantly agreeing” to meet somewhere else. They’re not interested. They’re showing you what they want by asking you over to their place on a first date. Don’t expend any further energy engaging after that. Seriously, just stop responding. You’re wasting your time.

The tone of this letter makes you sound jaded and sour. That, too, is a hurdle you’re going to have to overcome. If I can smell that kind of attitude in your letter, then these guys are definitely picking up on it.

I’ve always seen it as: guys ask out and put some kind of effort into dating girls who they think are at their level,

The men in category one and two are making effort to date you. They’re tripping over themselves to flirt with you. You’re just not making much effort in return. That’s the problem.

Look, dating is harder than it has ever been. I get it. But you can’t just stand there staring at these guys willing them to ask you out. Make a move. Do something. Say something. Stop waiting for them to lay down their jacket so you can cross over a puddle.

One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me. I’ll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I’ll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

$55 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)

*Assistance with editing and re-writes.

*Photo selection and review.

*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.

*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.

*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

I moved to Florida last August from NYC. Dating here has been great! So much better than in NYC I have to say. I dated a few guys my first few months here and then I met a great guy. We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week. It has moved quite fast. We’ve only been together a bit over a month now but I can already feel he’s the one for me. Of course since I’ve never moved into a relationship so quickly (and being a jaded New Yorker), I cant help but question the relationship sometimes. I’ve been staying at his place 2-3 nights a week and he asked me yesterday if I would like some area in his closet to put my things because I go back and forth with a bag but I always need things that I don’t have with me plus my daily personal things etc. And its getting annoying to be carrying a bag back and forth. Also, this morning he mentioned that he would get me a key to his place. He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door… I also use his gym sometimes or go in and out to get whatever so I dont know I guess hes thinking it would just be easier I guess… Hes asked me a couple of times if I would feel comfortable living there and I think I would. We already told each other we are in love, he met my family (I havent met his) and we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for… family, children… He even asked me if it is something Im looking for in the near future. He says hes ready for it and has hinted that within a year he would like to be moving forward with that plan which is exactly my wish. We are the same age btw, 32. Hes taking me on vacay next month to Europe and we just cant wait! But, what do you think about this closet space and keys situation? I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time. And while this situation may sound great feeling the way I feel about him, Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question. What do you think? I dont want to regret my choices later on…State: Florida

You’re asking a lot of good questions. Unfortunately, you’re not asking the one question you should be asking.

Why is this man in such a rush?

I’ll say it. This situations feels all kinds of sketchy to me.

We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.

You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs. While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or both people in the relationship are emotionally unhealthy. That’s it.

Right now, you’re just so excited that you’ve met a man who not only wants to commit but wants to do it as soon as possible that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. You’ve crammed a bunch of milestones in to 6 weeks. Really think about that. Does that sound rational to you? Do you think it’s wise to be discussing children with someone you’ve been dating all of 6 weeks? Especially when you haven’t even met his family? Who the hell knows what sort of defective DNA he might possibly be carrying with him. These are the things that need to be considered when discussing children. People don’t just say, “Hey! Let’s have a baby!” There are things to be considered, many of which require that you have a clear and strong understanding of your partner’s values and history.

Right now he’s keeping you preoccupied with trips and sweet sentiments and offers of commitment. Why? You need to ask him why he’s in such a rush. You also need to ask yourself how it is possible you don’t think any of this is weird because your warning bells should be clattering so loud that you can’t hear yourself think.

I do not trust any relationship that starts off this quickly and intensely. Sorry. The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent. Now, maybe you’re co-dependent, too. Maybe you two are both co-dependent people who have found each other. Super. Unhealthy people find each other all the time. But you two are talking co-habitation, possibly merging some of your finances…and children. Capital B Big Deal. These are not things you jump in to with the reckless abandon often present in the early stages of a relationship.

Im afraid it may ruin what we have

What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound? You are so caught up in the trappings of this relationship that you are ignoring the blaring sirens. He’s got a great apartment, he works from home, he’s taking you on a trip, he’s met your family, he’s said the “L” word. What do you really know about this man? And no, I’m not suggesting you do a background check. I’m suggesting you wake up, take off those rose colored glasses and ask yourself why you’re so willing to go along with this romance. I get that you moved from a city that has a dearth of commitment-minded men. I understand. But that makes this story even more questionable. The new in town single woman desperate for a man who will commit meets one that commits in a week. It’s too perfect.

I’m telling you. No healthy person is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady. Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He will point to that one gesture to “prove” his worthiness and use it every chance he gets.

You need to take a few steps back and look at this situation objectively. You also need to get some info on his relationship history. This guy has either scared every woman off or he has moved a few other women in to this apartment only to have things dissolve soon after.

To me, this guy sounds like he’s eager to settle down, but with anybody who comes along. That’s what unsettles me most.

I will also add that, when this letter was first posted, the LW popped into the comments and let everyone know that she insisted that the guy commit to exclusivity before they had sex. So there’s that to consider, too.

I’m aware that I’m sending a bit of a mixed message here. In previous posts I’ve said that the men who want to commit (especially the ones who agree to exclusivity before sex) are routinely the ones many women reject. But then I’ve also said that if it’s a relationship a woman seeks, she needs to focus on the guys they initially would have dismissed. I think a happy medium can be found here, but I don’t think a guy like the one depicted in this letter is it. He’s too eager, too available, too compliant. And I can not even with the fact that agreed to commit before they slept together. That’s always a red flag in my mind. Who does that these days? Many women believe that getting a guy to agree to such a premise is a victory, but it’s not. Quite the opposite, in fact.

One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me. I’ll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I’ll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

$55 – INCLUDES:

*Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)

*Assistance with editing and re-writes.

*Photo selection and review.

*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.

*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.

*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Madison : Comment: I met a man on tinder who lives two hours drive away from me around 3-4 months ago. He happened to be in my vicinity because he travels to my town for business occasionally. After a series of failed dates with other people over long distance (I live in a small town, not known for its high quality selection of men), I was sceptical about dating an out of Towner, but when he asked me to have a drink one day, I said yes. I wasn’t hugely optimistic about the date; in fact, I rather thought he was out of my league. But I went anyway.

So the date happened and I actually thought it went rather poorly. He ticked all the right boxes (genuinely, he wasn’t talking himself up at all), but I felt like we didn’t click. So I was surprised when he kissed me at the end of the date! I went home very confused as I’ve been in situations where I’ve thought the date had gone so well only for the guy to think otherwise, so this was the total opposite. In any case, after a few texts to establish that I had a good night, I hardly heard from him again. Maybe the odd snapchat or text, but nothing to suggest he was interested in seeing me again. So I shrugged my shoulders and moved on. When he was local again, he did message me and ask me out (first time I wasn’t available, second time I met for another drink for an hour and that was it), but it was 3-4 months between these two dates, I genuinely believed he wasn’t going to follow through and wonder what his motives are.

I know a few things: one) he lives far away and isn’t often in town, two) he was overseas for a month and three); he’s been moving into a new house. But I can’t believe that a person exists who would bother a girl for a date or two and not text in between or at least try to get to know her?! Should I approach him and ask his intentions? Or scramble like I did after the first date and turn down future offers for drinks? I don’t want to waste me time or get too invested. Age: 26 City: Chicago State: Illinois

But I can’t believe that a person exists who would bother a girl for a date or two and not text in between or at least try to get to know her?!

I think you’ve answered your own question. You’re right. A person who was sincerely interested in dating you would attempt to get to know you. He’s not doing that. Instead, he’s investing the lowest amount of effort required to maintain a connection so that, when he’s back in town, he can hit you up. Maybe he’ll get laid. Maybe he won’t. He’s not devoting enough attention or money or time to care all that much either way.

The beauty (and the curse) of Tinder and similar apps is that they offer the illusion that someone is nearby or local when they aren’t. You match with them and then they eventually tell you they aren’t close by. But by then, you’re just glad to be actually messaging with someone so you go with it. That’s what they’re hoping for. And that’s exactly what you did, despite having numerous experiences to reflect upon that suggest dates with guys like this rarely go well.

Here’s what he’s doing: He travels a lot, probably for work, and so he’s got a few women in various cities he keeps minimal contact with and sees when he’s in their vicinity. That’s it. That’s what most of the Tinder Tourists do.

As for whether or not he was out of your league, my guess is he was. I only say that because a very high percentage of my Tinder matches are with out of towners that I know – I KNOW – probably wouldn’t look twice at me if they lived local. Those guys know that they have to lower the bar a bit because they are from out of town and that many women will pass them right by once they learn that fact. Go to your Tinder profile and type the line “Tourists, please swipe left” at the bottom of your bio. Problem (mostly) solved.

Comment: I met this guy online and we finally met in person. Our first date was amazing—so much so that he wrote me after our date to tell me he thought I was amazing, that I exceeded all of his expectations and that he can’t wait to see me again. We scheduled our second date for that following weekend and I was as giddy as a school girl. As it turns out, he wrote one of my friends on the same dating website a few days later and set up a date with her for the same evening him and I planned to meet. He then cancelled our date, claiming he had plans to take his son trick or treating. I know he won’t be trick or treating with his son because he set up this date with my friend. My friend and I are equally matched—we’re both very attractive and successful women, we have a very similar look, as people think we are sisters when we go out together. The coincidence is frustrating, but the fact that he lied to me and cancelled our date to go out with someone else frustrates me even more. I know we’ve only been on one date, and I expect that he’s going to date other women until he settles on one (plus, I’m dating other men right now too, and rightfully so), but it shows me that he’s willing to push me to the side for someone else in a heartbeat. Plus, the fact that he professed such a strong interest in me after our first date, then quickly turned around to go out with my friend (who is very similar to me) makes him seem insincere. I’m debating on whether I want to continue seeing him as he wants to reschedule our date. It’s tough because it’s too early for me to care about him seeing other people, and it’s just unfortunate that I know that he’s lying. My friend plans on ditching the date—she plans to just not show up and not call—she’s pretty pissed about the whole scenario. I won’t tell him that I know about this—at least not until down the line, assuming that we continue seeing each other. Like I said, I am dating other men, but he is/was definitely a front runner. I really liked spending time with him, our conversation was amazing, we have so much in common, he’s very attractive and successful and other than this oddball situation, I think he’s great. What do you think would be the best course of action for me to take?

Age: 33City: San DiegoState: CA

So, you’re saying that this guy you had one date with also happened to randomly contact your friend who also uses the same dating site around the time you went out with him? Wow. That’s a staggering coincidence. Was Jack Tripper hiding behind a door at any point listening to your conversations and there was some big misunderstanding that culminated with him dressing up in drag and trying to catch this guy in the act?

Let’s pretend for argument’s sake that this scenario played out exactly the way you’re saying it did. This is an example of why I say that most women don’t really want to know the truth. This guy you met has options and he was exercising them. Had you not “accidentally discovered” that he was also talking with other women, you’d be none the wiser. He’d still be doing it, of course. You just wouldn’t know about it. You’re doing the same thing. But, as often is the case in these situations, the person who perceives themselves as being slighted forgets that. Yes, it sucks that he lied and that he wasn’t as eager to meet up with you again as you were. But that’s dating. Somebody came along that piqued his interest and, before he got too invested in you, he wanted to explore that possibility. Sounds like dating in 2015 to me.

For future reference, effusive feedback after a first date should probably set off your bells. You’re right, if he really was that interested he wouldn’t have bumped you for someone else. So either he’s disingenuous or you completely misread the situation and his words. I’m thinking it’s a combination of both.

Should you and he continue to date never, ever, EVER admit to any of this. Not sure how you’ll manage to skirt this since he’d eventually meet your friends if this becomes a regular thing. Personally, I find it very suspect that you even knew that your friend was talking to this guy in the first place. Maybe this has to do with my age, but I don’t typically share with my friends the identity of people I meet online until they become a regular part of my life. But for you, dear Jenn, I am going to suspend my disbelief. Write this date down, folks, as this doesn’t happen often. The reason you shouldn’t come clean about this is because he won’t believe it was a random coincidence. Your friend needs to contact him and make up some story about how something suddenly came up and she can’t meet with him. Not showing up is just stupid and childish.

If you do continue to see this guy, you’re just going to have to get past this indiscretion. Yes, he lied to you. I don’t think he was being deceptive as much as he was being diplomatic. If you do bring it up, he will drop you like a bad habit and assume you’re an oddball who was way too invested after a first date who cooked up a plot to test him.

My honest opinion? I think you created a fake profile and tried to catch him in a lie. Either that or you had a friend contact him for you to see if he was communicating with other women. If this friend is real, that was a foolish thing to do, as he’ll eventually meet her and your little plot might be revealed. Which is why I’m going with the former explanation and guessing you constructed a phony profile. The thing about trying to trap men in lies is that it always ends up blowing back on us. Just by setting the trap, we look crazy. Reveal our plan and we tip our hand. Which means we’re left with knowing this secret and having it eventually gnaw away at us. That voice telling us he’s lying will never go away.

In situations such as this, when you really like someone you’ve just met, the only option you have is to wait and see how things play out. It’s hard and it can drive us out of our minds with anxiety, but that is our only option should we want to build something lasting and authentic. Maybe that guy will stick around and return our interest. Maybe he won’t. What you always have to remind yourself is that, regardless of his decision, you’re okay. With him or without him, you are just fine.

*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$55 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2015/05/11/how-testing-a-guy-can-backfire/feed/34How Does He Tell Her He Doesn’t Want To Get Engaged?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2015/04/14/how-does-he-tell-her-he-doesnt-want-to-get-engaged/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2015/04/14/how-does-he-tell-her-he-doesnt-want-to-get-engaged/#commentsTue, 14 Apr 2015 20:48:42 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=98474

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jonny : Comment: I don’t see so many postings here from men, but here goes.

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for six months now. Next month, we are going on our first vacation together – 3 weeks to Costa Rica.

We’re both in our late 30s. Mostly settled financially. And, as you‘ve seen often here, the pressure is on.

Last week was her birthday, and I joined her and her family for dinner, during which her dad proposed a toast to our future, then posed together for joint photos (which made me a bit uncomfortable).

She always brings up little things about the future like where she wants to live and if I’d be willing to move there. I agree, because in theory I would. I’m flexible like that. I’m the kind of guy who does everything for a girlfriend.

Plus location was an issue with her ex boyfriend, and so I can understand her worries (though it is a bit weird to me that she’s waiting to get married to move to where she actually wants to be).

She also has inquired about my finances and how we’d afford kids (which maybe is also a mistake that I answer in detail about how much I make and how much I’ve saved).

And she’s made “casual” mention of the type of ring she would want, but I guess some women like that talk, so fair enough.

I mean, I understand she sees all of this as “signs” that I’m moving in that direction with her, and so I’m maybe leading her on, because for now I’m fine with the status quo. On the other hand, I can’t shut her down each time, because it is all part of the getting to know you phase.

So two questions:

1. How does a 38 year old man date “age appropriate women”, without this happening? Women all seem to be reading the same advice column on making your intentions clear from the start/how to land a man. So is 6 months now the shit or get off the pot cutoff date?

2. I am not intending on proposing to her in Costa Rica. Should I address this before the vacation, and risk a fight/disappointment on her end? I feel like once the “pink elephant” is let out, and the marriage pressure’s on, it’s really not going to end so well, and I’m now buying time to see where it goes, plus don’t want to throw away the money/trip, or disappoint her too much.

As for how I feel about her, I’m not sure if I love her or the idea of the relationship more. She’s hot, but the sex isn’t great or frequent. To be truly honest (as this is the internet and we’re strangers), while she’s not so successful herself, she’s from a very wealthy and respected family, which has an appeal. Our chemistry isn’t great, but there’s lots of sweet interactions “honey” “sweetheart” and the like, which I like. There’s plenty of conversation and lots of laughs, but still, I sometimes feel like we’re on a first date, like there’s a will for more, but we just don’t quite gel. In other words, there’s nothing great or terrible here. I’d be happy to keep going for a year, but I’m not sure it’s possible with the pressure.

So maybe question 3: Why are women so gung-ho to tie down with a man who’s clearly ambivalent? How do a few signs have them losing the plot that soon? Is this level in our relationship really enough for her?

(sorry to have been so long winded, but a bloke doesn’t get that many opportunities to vent). Age: 38 City: London State: UK

I’ll apologize in advance because you’re unknowingly picking at a scab of mine. Forgive me if I’m a little extra blunt.

I have to say that I’m noticing a few trends amongst British guys. First, they are frequently astonishingly verbose. That sort of communication style only serves to agitate and confuse the person to whom you are speaking, whether verbally or in writing. Holy Christ, just get to the point.

Second, they consistently appear to be drawn to domineering and bitchy/bratty women who completely run roughshod over them. And…AND… the ones I know all seem to end up with women who are (or were) really attractive, but behind the scenes are obnoxious pains in the ass. Honest question here, because I’ve seen this more than a handful of times. Is it that British men are just naturally passive and weak and profoundly insecure or something? Are they all just super image obsessed and like to trot around their rich or hot piece of ass girlfriend/wife for as long as that lasts so they can score cool points? What is that about?

As for your question:

I do not understand why you just sit there and let her plan for the future and say nothing. No, talk of the type of engagement ring she wants is not “getting to know you” stuff. She’s making it clear what she wants and what she expects and you’re doing nothing to dissuade her. She wants to get married. If your relationship is as flaccid as you describe here, it sounds like you’re just an after thought. But then, you’re not exactly being Mister Considerate, either. You’ll gladly go along with this charade knowing you’re not on the same page as she is. You both kind of suck.

You prevent this from happening by speaking up and not letting her steamroll over you and dictating how the relationship will unfold. Making this even more baffling is that the relationship isn’t really even all that good and you’re still sitting back and staying silent and yet still perplexed at why she thinks you’re getting engaged. I’m adding you to the British Guys With No Spine file I’ve cultivated over the last few years. Go date a 30 year old and buy yourself some time.

Why are women so gung-ho to tie down with a man who’s clearly ambivalent?

Because often times, as is the case with you, the guy doesn’t want to cause any drama or conflict or hasn’t made up his mind either way so he doesn’t say anything. If you truly believe she’s planning on you proposing during your trip, then you should set her straight. Here’s why: because every woman I’ve ever come across online or in person who behaved like this was constantly dropping hints to friends and family that they were about to get engaged. Tell her only because you don’t want to see her humiliate herself. If coming clean blows things up, well then you have your answer about the relationship. If she takes it in stride, well, you’re kinda stuck as you don’t sound all that enthralled about her in the first place.

Have we all noticed the common thread running throughout several posts of late? It’s the one where women over 35 scramble to get a guy to commit even though the relationship itself was never all that solid. Not that that surprises me because I’ve seen this so often that I’m starting to think many marriages happen because the woman was just desperate to get married and didn’t care to whom.