Thursday, August 16, 2018

Buick's Enclave of Insufferably Conspicuous Consumption

So TrophyWife #1 stands next to her $50,000 Conspicious ConsumptionMobile in the driveway of her million-dollar McMansion and is greeted by a neighbor who immediately asks about the Big Shiny Thing With Wheels.

TrophyWife #2 wants to know about the car, so TrophyWife #1 explains what it is an how it can seat up to seven people- or poodles. I'm not at all sure why TrophyWife #1 thinks that TrophyWife #2 wants to know the seating capacity in Dog Units just because TrophyWife #2 has a dog....if TrophyWife #2 had a parakeet on her shoulder instead, would TrophyWife #1 be telling her how many parakeets the Big Shiny LookAtMeMobile can hold?

(TrophyWife #1 certainly needs a car that seats seven- Hubby didn't buy a woman significantly younger than he is just for her looks. She's got to stay fertile long enough to produce five offspring, that's been made clear by the purchase of a car with otherwise unnecessary seating space. Oh but don't worry, TrophyWife #1, there's a Pelaton Bike on the way so you can keep that figure worthy of That Guy Who Bought You.)

Anyway, the whole neighborhood is taken by the new car, so much so that in no time at all Every Single House in the Gated Community of White People Police are Authorized to Act on Behalf of Owner's Association ("The Buick Enclave." PLEASE bring on the guillotines!) owns one. That's the fun of being a rich cretin in the magical suburbs of Television- if you want something, you just buy it. Need it? Well, of course you need it- your neighbor has one, after all.

So are all the other TrophyWives in this ad going to have five kids, too? Or does their desire to emulate TrophyWife #1 stop at having a big shiny car with lots and lots of room for kids, poodles, parakeets or whatever? Stay tuned- but don't let me know the answer, 'cause I'm not interested any more.