This site is dedicated to my spiritual and physical journey before and after the death of my husband and the father of my son from cancer. It is about grieving, loving, understanding and sharing, and living in the connection while accepting the physical separation that passing on brings. It is also about moving forward in your life from whatever challenges life hands you and living the life that is wanted for you from above.

Month: December 2015

So we all have to live on this planet together~ men and women. And sometimes its tough and a lot of work… Understanding each other isn’t always easy and those of you that find that ease, count your blessing daily. There’s some lessons to be learned out there that I have observed around me in many different circles and within my own life as well. There is a common thread I have seen that I want to express to you. See, for men (as you guys know well), your attraction to women starts with the physical. This is very primal and the way nature intended you to be. You’re protectors, and hunters, and seekers. Your judgement originates in your eyes. That’s just nature at the core level of being a man. And women should honor this truth. For women from a primal perspective, our attraction starts with our hearts, emotions, and feelings. And guess why? Why do we have to be sensitive? Because we are to be mothers. And in ancient times there was no store to feed an infant. Our core natures come from this level of sensitivity. And none of us would be here if it wasn’t for the love of our mother’s nurturing sensitivity. And as well~ men should honor this truth.
So why do I write this you ask? Because this is the core relationship issue most find yourselves in and is often times the reason for divorce or living without love and connection. We tend to gravitate toward our core natures when we are unhappy. And over and over again I have heard friends tell me they feel cut off from what they need the most from their partner. Women often times cut men off physically when they are angry and hurt because being physical its not a woman’s singular primal core value. And a man will cut a woman off by not being emotionally affectionate, what women need the most. Emotional affection (from a primal perspective) is not at a man’s core value. Boys don’t cry! Remember? I’m sure we’ve all heard the “all men want is sex” complaint from women and men say~ ‘I’m sick of the drama!!” Those two references are what it’s like when men and women operate from the negative side of their core natures.
Maybe herein lies an answer. Gloria Steinem once said the difficult aspect for us is to unlearn, not to learn. If you’ve been hurt. Or cheated on. Or abused or lied to. Or simply left~ the collective key here is for us to unlearn the feeding into and living out of those negative core traits and to stay focused on your significant other’s positive core need and you will find that your cup runneth over. Because when two souls focus on filling up a shared cup~ neither go thirsty.

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Hey! Just wanted to reach out to you all. Every day hundreds of people come here to this blog and I wanted to tell you all how grateful I am that you’re here. I hope in some form or space that you find something that resonates with you. I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know there are more than 140 entries on this blog and all you have to do is scroll down and look at archives. They date back to last year and many of the older ones are very early in the grief process for me. Maybe some of those journals might help if you’re going through a rough time this holiday season.

Know you’re never alone and you’re surrounded by angels and a loving Creator. There are good people in this world – and if you can’t find one – be one. Share some love with one another as we all need it!!!

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This article made its way to my newsfeed yesterday and it caught my attention. The author used her interpersonal experiences to add in some real clinical points on what happens when you have “blamers” in your life. Although she has yet to finish her discussion, she left many points to ponder.

I am a part of several grief groups online and I hear this scenario over and over again. It seems to be the way many people deal with grief and any role they may have played during the event of losing someone they love. Blaming tears families apart. It gives a negative justification for one’s feelings and actions and it can often times remain rooted and settled in one’s belief systems for life. The real issues and actions and events fade away and what is left is a skewed sense of facts that support blaming others and no real sense of introspection which can ultimately aid that person in healing.

Blame is the opposite of forgiving. Blame is a much heavier, negative energy to hold on to. It’s as if you take out of your mind your part in the event and hold it in your hands so that the action or event cannot be attached to one’s self. The blamer disowns and disconnects from his or her actions and finds it is easier to hold the blame in his or her hands and to carry around with them until it’s released or it becomes a part of them. The Blamer THINKS holding and projecting the blame is easier, but will find out with time that its just the opposite. Many never understand this reality and they suffer the consequences of holding a heavy, dense, negative energy that robs them of their ability to move freely through life. It’s most corrupt feature is its ability to hijack one’s own mind into believing its false truth and it keeps the blamer’s thoughts suspended in this negative energy rather than allowing the holder to reflect on what really happened and their part they play and how to change and how to move forward and forgive and to love and to learn. Eventually time holds the key. One can let go of this negative energy and allow in all things good, or one can make that which they hold a permanent fixture about one’s self and walk in this lifetime with a negativity that is spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally crippling. The choice is theirs to make.

As for the the one who’s blamed….See this for what it is. Bless the knowledge. Bless the soul who is in the grips of this. And give thanks for the wisdom it provides. And most importantly, forgive so that you may not be attached like a magnet to this energy. Yes, blame attracts. But so does love. Your choice.

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My son’s first week in his new school was really hard. New country. New city. New school routine. And only one friend with whom he never saw in the halls. No one came up to him to say hello and meet him. They just looked at him and asked if he was a “hold back” from high school and silly things like that. He’s tall and big for his age and a presence to be reckoned with and instantly made the football team.

He spent that first week learning a whole new schedule and education system. He ate lunch alone. Sat in his class alone. Walked around at recess alone. It was really tough on him. His father passed from cancer last year and we moved closer to home. The transition wasn’t easy, but it was needed.

He came home tonight with a story to tell. He’d met a new boy in school today. He said he went up to him and introduced himself. He welcomed him. He introduced him to his hard-won friends. Showed him around a bit. He was happy he’d made a new friend and that’s where his mind was.

That’s where I stopped him in his tracks. I asked him- “What made you go over to speak to him?” He replied, “He seemed like a nice kid and I wanted to say hi and he was standing all alone. He and I talked and laughed for a long time.” Again, I asked him why. And he looked at me and said~ “I’m treating him the way I wish I was treated when I was a new student here.” And I asked him, “If you had been treated by someone the way your are treating this new kid, how would you feel about them now?” He said, “He would be a great friend to me.” So, Jackson now has a friend to add to his circle. One who is grateful and will hopefully remember how he was treated and thus do the same for someone else one day. And that my friends is the Ripple Effect.

I honor my amazing son today with this journal. He took a difficult situation that he was in and looked out at others and instead of treating them the same- he learned and practiced The Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Do not as they have done, but do how you would have wanted it to be done. He broke the ripple of negativity through his own painful experience and created a new experience not only for someone else- but also for himself because now he knows a great way to meet new friends. Humanity could learn a lot from this young man.

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Holly C Barker

My name is Holly Barker and I am the founder of Grief Anonymous, a support organization for grief and loss. I am also the founder of the Grief Resource Network. My husband of 14 years and the father of my son died of Malignant Melanoma skin cancer in 2014. My mission is to write honestly about our journey and to share with those that are going through the loss of a loved one or another challenging experience. I learned through this experience about the process of understanding, accepting what life hands us, and living in the continuum and connectivity to our loved ones that have passed on. If you are stuck and having a difficult time moving forward into the life that is wanted for you from above, follow me on this journey and maybe it will help you, too. Love and Light, Holly