Simon VanHelsing - Descendent of the great vampire hunter. His proficiency leaves a lot to be desired. Somebody teach him how to reload a handgun. Please.

Professor VanBratwurst - In addition to a ridiculous accent, this man has a hatred of Count Chocula. Shot for his troubles.

Mark - His wardrobe selection consisted of two t-shirts.

Amber - The girl who was eventually everybody's girlfriend (seen a couple of those in my time). Her hair changes color and length from scene to scene.

The Zombies - They only gurgle (helpfully, their conversations are subtitled) and are vegetarians (except, they do eat brains). Dead - again.

Heinrich - The serious vampire who dresses in frilly clothes and has a vendetta to settle with mankind. Shot.

Count Chocula - He prefers chocolate over blood. A putz if there ever was one.

The Plot:

Looking at this tape, I just knew that it was trouble with a capital "T." Memories of actually eating Count Chocula cereal came flooding back. The stuff was little more than sugar (whichever "ose") and marshmallows. I have always been very, ah, energetic. Eating Count Chocula could be compared to throwing gasoline on an already raging fire. Needless to say, my mother went gray early in life.

What I am trying to say is: sorry mom, it was the cereal.

I should mention that the tape began with a short about a violent census worker (he used to be a cop) who kills everyone in his region. Why? He was too lazy to count the people. Shooting them means that the count is zero.

Though, the real subject is "The Curse of Count Chocula." It begins with Mark and Amber entering a graveyard to make out. The girl panics when a twig snaps, then a small group of zombies shamble out of the trees. The pair flee to a nearby house, which is the residence of VanBratwurst. Knowing that the only safe place is the basement, the professor leads the frightened couple downstairs and tells them the story of Count Chocula.

Count Chocula was the son of Count Dracula. As a vampire, the effeminate chocoholic was a complete failure. Now, and keep up with me here, Dracula was killed by Richter VanHelsing after a battle befitting the "Highlander" franchise (right down to the vampire hunter using a katana). The Count's death left Chocula pretty much indifferent, but Heinrich burns for revenge on humanity.

With the flashback over, the three set out to find one of VanHelsing's descendants. They find him by looking in the phone book. Simon is not exactly what you would call a first round draft pick. In fact, Simon is a dope. Here we have scenes of the accidental vampire hunter in training with his katana. The sad thing is that I recognized that katana. My mother, knowing that I like archaic weapons, gave me one just like it - plastic dragon head handle and all. Mom means well.

If you are ever looking for a sword or axe that you could actually sharpen and use to fight undead, vampires, or an annoying neighbor, I suggest Starfire Swords. I own a number of their pieces and have given a number as gifts. It should be mentioned that Zak discourages sharpening the weapons. In fact, it voids the warranty.

The plots slows to a crawl at this point. The vampire lords while away the time looking for the Necronomicon (to use its spells). The human contingent mostly just sits around Simon's house. Mark complains about the wait and repeatedly asks VanBratwurst to give him a ride home. Amber is perfectly happy with the situation, because she is tearing up the couch with the professor.

Around now I stopped the movie and went to brush my teeth. Do not know why. All the chocolate references making me think about dental health? Feeling unclean of mind and tooth? Bored out of my freaking skull?

The zombies are a constant source of humor during the movie. Mostly they sit around, bitching about their lot in unlife. However, pretty soon Simon decides to try out his evil fighting abilities. This involves pulling out two pistols and shooting at the zombies. Every time VanHelsing attacks, guns blazing, the long-suffering zombies stumble away. I actually started laughing at this frequent event.

Somewhere in here, the saviours of humanity win the Necronomicon off of Ebay. After that, there is more of "hanging out at VanHelsing's house" for everybody. Ahhhhhh! I am in Hell! And, in Hell, nothing happens!

Heinrich finally gives up on the plot moving forward on its own and attacks. The vampire kick's Simon's behind (but does not kill him - odd) before instructing the zombies to search the house for the Necronomicon. They respond by bringing him one random book, a toaster, and a cat. Finally, one of the walking corpses finds the paperback version (not the correct book) of the Necronomicon. The vampire assault force leaves, taking VanBratwurst and Amber with them. The girl comes along of her own free will. Amber has a strong goth streak in her; she thinks that vampires are cool.

The bloodsuckers supposedly need the Necronomicon so they can cast a spell. The spell will remove the normal restrictions of vampirism: avoiding sunlight, drinking blood, etc. I would like to point out that we have seen them standing around in broad daylight several times. I would also like to point out Simon's plan to steal the book back (he is so dumb that he does not know the vampires took the wrong book). It involves playing some techno music, thus inspiring the vampires to dance, and then snatching the Necronomicon. Yes, Heinrich and Amber start dancing. The dancing lasts for three damn minutes! It is not pleasant to watch. I have seen people beaten for dancing that bad.

To know how the mess ends, you will have to watch it yourself.

I have a feeling that this movie was either a college project or just a group of friends who decided to get together and make a silly movie. In that light, it is probably better than most. In fact, the whole subplot with the zombies could have made for a good film (possibly full length) itself.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Girls like to make out in graveyards, but are guaranteed to get spooked.

Zombies wear a lot of plaid.

Communists like butterscotch on their ice cream.

Handguns are not sold in variety packs.

Bookstores require you to check your firearms at the door.

Tomes of ancient magic are often listed on Ebay.

The last thing that you want to be doing, as zombies invade your kitchen, is struggling with a trigger lock.

You do not need a bowl to eat cereal.

Stuff To Watch For:

6 mins - Is this the soundtrack from "Conan" or "Excaliber?"

15 mins - VanHelsing should have paid more attention to who he was impaling.

21 mins - Again with the "Necronomicon" in a movie; Lovecraft would be proud.

Chocula: "That's another thing, I don't really like the taste of blood that much. I prefer the sweet, tempting taste of chocolate" Heinrich: "What are you talking about? You are a vampire. That means drinking blood to survive and that means killing human beings, so get with the program!"

Mark: "You just told me a little while ago that you wanted to be like Buffy." Simon: "Yeah, but I didn't know she was a vampire hunter. I just want to be Sarah Michelle Gellar. If I was, I would do nothing but take showers all day long."

The zombies are sitting on the bench, mostly minding their own business. Simon pulls out two tiny revolvers and starts shooting. The zombies shamble away. This happens, more or less, about five times during the movie.

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