Some Days You're The Dog… Some Days You're The Hydrant.

If you don’t send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. “One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban.
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, “One Texan is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers.” *Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences… After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out, “One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban”. The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune… Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, its a trap”…

“There’s two of them.”

Dead Duck:

An Englishman had visited Texas and was telling his friends about his trip. One fellow asked, “What most impressed you about Texans”.
He replied, “Their confidence. A Texan took me duck hunting and we sat in a blind all day and never saw a thing. Then about sundown a lone duck flew overhead, so high you could hardly see it. When it was directly overhead the Texan raised his shotgun and fired.
The duck kept right on flying”.

Then the Texan turned to me in amazement and said, “Son, yore witnessing a miracle. Thar flies a dead duck”.

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style.

Cowboy’s Ten Commandments posted on the wall
at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
“Go get your mother.”