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JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff referred to the passing moment of clarity about his real and ongoing problems as a “panic attack.” “Whoa, that was terrifying,” said Turoff of the paralyzing minute-long experience during which he sweated profusely and his heartbeat accelerated as he made a clear-eyed appraisal of the personal and professional troubles in his life that he routinely minimizes or denies outright and saw them for the tragically insurmountable hurdles they are. “Man, I’m glad that’s over. I was nearly hyperventilating for a second there. That was a bad one.” At press time, Turoff reported feeling relieved after returning to a pleasing, normal state of delusion about his myriad faults and failures, and allowing himself to become pleasantly preoccupied with lunch. [Onion]