WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU LOSE “THE ONE.” LESSONS OF LOVE LOST

Guys – you are either going to need to read (and re-read) this post for yourself or feel like you need to send it to someone immediately after reading it or both. It’s THAT good. What do you do when you lose the complete opposite of a f*cktard? How do you deal with the loss of someone incredible? You’ll get insight whether you were the one on the receiving or losing end. This is a topic that hits so painfully close to home for me – being on receiving end of the limitations of someone’s emotional range, as well as the past limitations of my own. And not just in regard to romantic relationships. This post helped me come to better terms with not making the time to see a loved one before she died (I’ve written about the crippling guilt associated with this particular story a few times before). Today, I have the honor of reintroducing a very special guest post written by my dear friend Lorelle, who was kind enough to take over PMS while I’m busy working on my new website for you all. Her 2 previous guest posts can be found here and here. Lorelle, take it away…

Love can truly be a double-edged sword. It can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts so they are overflowing. It can also slash our hearts to shreds, leaving painful emotion seeping out for a long time to come.

And one of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. The one who was there for you, loved you, and did the ‘thick and thin’ thing because they believed in you. But now they are gone.

The. One. That. Got. Away.

This realization can take some time to surface. There is pain on both sides when a breakup occurs. A time of healing. A time when moving on begins and life slowly becomes happier. The pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you learned and seek new love.

There are also times when this doesn’t happen. Where you find yourself thinking of someone every day. You feel heavy with guilt, and regret lives in your gut. It is often at this point you question yourself, and think that this person you lost, has left a hole in your life that can never be filled.

As you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you self-sabotaged yourself and this relationship.

The first step is to ask yourself “WHY?”

Did you not feel good enough/worthy of this person and because of that, did you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship?

Did being intimate scare you and make you push them away?

Were you afraid of having to step up?

Were you wanting to commit but at the time not feeling ready to give up/compromise your freedom or the lifestyle you had?

Was it about money – did you make more or did they make less? Did this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty?

Career choices and opportunities?

How and why we self-sabotage – the reasons are endless. The whole sabotage thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. It a sign we are disconnected with who we are and where we are going in life right now. It also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest – with both ourselves and others.

When this moment is related to screwing up our relationship with another, we often can’t see what we have also done to ourselves, because we are so focused on the other person. Losing them is all we can think of and we fail to see that we have also lost ourselves.

Life is tinted in winter hues and life is not moving on. Even in a state of no contact for months, perhaps over a year… sometimes your connection to a person who was emotionally available, good to you and loved you, just won’t fade away. Attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to disconnect.

The feeling of wanting them and missing them fills each day. The love you still hold for them doesn’t dwindle. The guilt you feel for hurting this special person holds tight. When you think of them, your heart strings pull because you remember just how pure their intent was. How they were always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be themselves. Always there for you. No drama. No one else can measure up to those qualities. WTF happened?

You may even dislike yourself at times because you know it was YOU that caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you really value and cannot move on from.

After much soul-searching, you come back to the same realization, that the issue was totally YOU and your emotional punching bag was the one you lost.

The one who deserved so much more than the crap you gave them. The one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with it all, until they finally said “enough.”

How do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place?

Can it even be done?

Stop for a minute though and refocus on this instead:

Ask yourself again: “Why did this happen?”

There is one caveat with this however, you need to be completely honest with yourself before you even attempt to contact this person.

You need to reconcile within before you can reconcile with anyone else.

So, WHY did it happen? WHERE were you at fault? And can you change those factors to ensure the slate is clean if you are to try again?

If you want a different result, you must do things differently. It’s as simple as that. If the circumstances haven’t changed then you won’t be able to achieve anything new or create a place for love to grow.

Yes, it can be done. Nothing is impossible. But you need to be ready for it, open to it and emotionally available.

It needs to be said upfront, you can never rekindle a love lost if you cannot deal with why you self-sabotaged a situation. Your relationships with others are always a reflection of you. Always.

This is why when we begin to evolve and become a better person, we drift away from people who no longer serve us well or don’t support us. Conversely, it’s why when we are in a state of insecurity, self-sabotage, and emotional unavailability, the good ones go.

Like attracts like.

When you develop healthy boundaries, many other good things will result as well, but you need to do a big clean up along the way. Bad habits, poor choices, and toxic relationships will all have to go.

The positive side of self-sabotage is you begin to see that the answers are always within. Every time you self-sabotage, you just need to look at yourself. There is a wealth of information in your behavior that you can either ignore or acknowledge. Do the latter and you will grow. Do the former, history will keep repeating itself.

Sometimes we unconsciously cut ourselves off from something good, so we can avoid dealing with painful issues within. So it is, in fact, a deliberate choice, but without you at first consciously understanding why.

For example, it doesn’t matter how amazing the sex is, if you can’t be there for someone emotionally when they need you in other ways, it’s not real love. You need to be emotionally present and available.

You might find yourself pushing someone away when you are feeling vulnerable because it is scary. When a relationship with a healthy person begins to develop in deeper ways, whatever lies within you has light shed on it. And if you have fear inside you or pain, it will begin to surface. It is the surfacing of painful emotions and fear, that often bring about self-sabotage.

Rather than deal with the simmering self-doubt, we do these things instead:

We stop communicating.

We push people away.

We make excuses.

We become too busy.

We tell lies or versions of the truth.

We try to hide our shame or fear.

We blame others.

We play games.

We start fights.

We avoid conversations.

We run hot and cold.

We make choices in life that have us leveling down, not up.

And at our worst, we choose people who won’t love us back (because on a level we don’t believe we are worth loving). It’s temporarily more comfortable but it’s really a road to f*cking nowhere… Ouch. Reroute. Please.

Here’s the deal though…

If you were with a person of high value, who had strong boundaries and was emotionally available – They. Will. Leave. They will not put up with this for months on end. Why?

Because they know their worth – and it allows their words to match their actions.

Your words and actions are probably no longer matching, and they will feel, see and hear this.

They will cut their losses.

Because you are not offering love. You are offering a version of love, full of mixed messages. And it has become apparent that you can’t love yourself, let alone them. They don’t see themselves as deserving of these conflicting messages or the drama and confusion that has been created. If they tried to level with you, and you can’t level back, they will see the brick wall in front of them before they hit it. And leave.

This is who you are, being reflected back at you. Take a look. Learn from it.

Be brave and accept yourself. Learn to love yourself first – only then can you really open your heart to another.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

What a powerful quote. I think we give the love we are capable of too. If you know you have emotionally shortchanged someone special, open up your heart to yourself.

Regarding broken hearts: You can only mend yours. Stop focusing outwards on trying to love others if you are currently unable to love yourself. Truly, self-sabotage is rooted in a feeling of being undeserving of good things. Understand this, and you will quickly pick up on it when something triggers you into this state. There is an advantage to be gained in this knowledge and when you are aware of this connection, you can prevent yourself from falling into the same trap.

When we are left with a broken heart, the pieces are right there in front of us -we can’t escape what we feel on this level. You are vulnerable when in this state, and the pain is a gift because it helps you grow and move forward. You cannot move forward or heal without pain. Don’t be afraid of it – embrace it!

To get back the one that got away, you need to be ready to share your vulnerabilities and apologize in the most heartfelt way. And you will not find that hard to do if you are truly connected to your emotions in a healthy way.

Do the work first and then proceed.

You’ll know you’re ready when you can look within. Whatever is manifesting on the outside is a direct result of what lies inside. This message is continually being repeated here because it’s the real issue we are dealing with. There are no shortcuts, emotional discounts or “14-day anti-self-sabotage plans” when it comes to this.

Remember, there was a time when this person was in your life and wanting you too. Where they are sitting with these feelings right now, you won’t know until you connect with them. Go into any communication with an open heart. The worst-case scenario is they will be unable to say yes to you.

If you cannot succeed in reuniting with the one that got away, at least see the gift in what you have left: a lesson learned so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. That is a life-changing bestowal to receive. Treasure it. Only a healthy emotionally available person can give you something like this.

If the one that got away doesn’t choose to try again with you, try not to see it as rejection. Try to see it as someone who has healthy boundaries communicating to you that what you were offering wasn’t loving and because of that, they chose to break free.

If they had chosen to stay, it would have been a breeding ground for more dysfunction, more emotional drama and zero growth. They have taught you with their actions, that love isn’t like that! They have walked away. To do that would have hurt them too. They have had to heal from and accept a loss also.

How much healing needed to be done on their part, is dependent on the reasons they moved on. If you began pushing them away because you felt scared of intimacy, that is different to serial cheating on them. All in all, though, anything you do to ruin something good, always comes back to YOU. The other party is collateral damage. But you need to own your part in hurting and involving them through your unresolved issues.

Since moving on, perhaps they found new love. Perhaps they are in a new place in life, and their circumstances have changed in a way they feel it won’t accommodate you as a couple.

You may have learned your lesson, you may have changed, but water does flow under the bridge. The past is the past. You have no control over some things. You only really have today. Now. The present. Use it. Be gracious if you find yourself unable to move forward with this person because they choose not to. If they are communicating their feelings to you, know they do it out of respect and love.

If you get the green light…

When the possibility arises to re-engage with your previous love, and they are willing to consider rebuilding a relationship with you, realize the beauty in this. It is truly a rare opportunity. Nothing happens by chance, so accept it with your whole heart! Be the best version of yourself, for YOU. Your partner will consistently benefit if you are in a good place with yourself.

Always remember, you need to love yourself first to do a good job of loving someone else.

The whole lesson of self-sabotage is this:

You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else.

You are responsible for your behavior, no one else. If you are not seeing the things in life that you want, look at yourself. What are you afraid of?

Self-sabotage is when you pike at the last moment, afraid of what lies ahead (even if it’s good for you).

If you ever feel unworthy, guaranteed, you’ll navigate your way around a good prospect and make excuses.

Ever feel like that? Next time you do, try this:

SAY IT.

Say it out loud to yourself. SAY IT TO THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH. Say, “I’m feeling a bit insecure right now. I want this, but at the same time it’s scary.”

Say it. Why? Because when you say it you are not hiding your fears. Because when you are vulnerable, you are being real. And if you are with people who are good for you, they will love and respect you for it, and love you and respect you through it. When you acknowledge something that scares you, you dissolve a lot of that fear. Sharing it with someone you love, that is about trust and acceptance. We are still worthy even when we are struggling. Don’t hide behind lies, excuses, and lameness. Own who you are. Faults and all.

The other side of this is: Don’t accept excuses and lameness from others. If they cannot own their faults, you can’t love them! Simple. People are like diamonds. Multi-faceted. We cannot go through life, offering the one shiny side we think we have to offer. What makes a diamond beautiful is the way light penetrates through it. The way the cut of the diamond reflects that light back. Please don’t ruin that for yourself by thinking you can hide parts of yourself. All diamonds shine, despite their flaws.

We are all flawed.

There is no perfection. Drop that standard because as Natasha says, it’s the lowest standard you can ever hold yourself to. Be real, be flawed and learn to be vulnerable. If you can do this, you will stop self-sabotaging yourself. Learn to let people in. It is about being emotionally available. This is where intimacy begins to bud.

Self-sabotage is the emotional equivalent of running away. Where are you going to run? What are you hiding? You can’t run away from who you are. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself.

The one that got away, might not be a person you were romantically involved with. You might look back and see it as a lost job opportunity. A friendship that was once gold. A one-off chance to try something new or exciting… An incredible social invitation… A chance to shine because someone saw something great in you…and you pulled out at the last minute.

Look within.

Sabotaging anything for ourselves is always about our fears, anxieties, and lack of self worth clouding our view of what we are being offered. Thankfully, life has a way of giving us new opportunities to try again, and so we are able to evolve and overcome the issues that have been holding us back. If you can look within, you realize, nothing is ever truly lost.

Back to relationships, if you find yourself wanting to reconnect with that special soul who has not left your heart, know this:

If you are honest, kind, and open with yourself and them, they will know and appreciate this. They will respect you for it. You can love and respect yourself for it too. It takes courage and guts to approach someone you hurt and admit that.

Remember it happened because you forgot to love yourself. It happened because of self-sabotage.

There is no set rule or formula that can resurrect a lost love, but there are steps you can take to create a fertile place for that love to possibly blossom once again. You can’t have love develop with someone else unless you can bloom within first. If you can’t love and accept yourself, no one else can.

Be grateful for these two beautiful things if you know you have lost a real love:

Firstly, you are able to attract a loving person because you have what it takes, even if at times you failed to see that. But you need to back up your qualities and insecurities by loving them too, or else you will always end up coming from a place of lack, or unworthiness. This is where the bond always breaks.

Heal your brokenness, and the bond will no longer break. Admit your fears and flaws, because when you do, something lovable comes of them, instead of them being a barrier, they become a bridge to wholeness.

We ALL have faults and insecurities. Don’t think you are the only one. You need to choose to not hide behind created images, bravado and a version of the truth.True love is about being able to be vulnerable. NO one can get close to you until you can be in that place with yourself.

Secondly, the person you cared for, tried to love you back. When they left, they mirrored to you what you couldn’t see in yourself, unavailability. You were someone they hit a brick wall with, and wise people know what to do when they hit brick walls.

They walk away. That is the gift they have given you. A time to reflect. To realize this. To acknowledge it and to work on it. This person showed you that without being on a level playing field, no one was going to score.

The saddest thing with self-sabotage is it achieves nothing! It doesn’t keep us safe. What we all need to understand is that when we are connected to a person in a healthy, loving way, it is easy to deal with bad days and weaknesses. Because those issues don’t dominate or taint the relationship.

Look at it this way, no one in a solid relationship is going to leave you because you have the flu. Nor will they leave you when you say “I’m feeling really unsure about myself on this. I’m working on it, and I’m grateful for your support.”

And realize too, any opportunity to be in an emotionally available relationship, is a chance to show how you have evolved and grown. This time around, you have so much more to offer. You have a solid chance at happiness because you are in a place full of self love, not self-sabotage. You have love to offer, and you no longer feel any need to hide that. you are also no longer suffering from fear that cripples you from letting it in.

This is the love you deserve. This is the love you need to let in. This is the only love you want to accept – and give, to others.

Without failure, we don’t learn a better way. And the one that got away, shines a light on to where you need to stand up in the future, not fall down.

The one that got away, never actually left you. Even if they don’t return, they have changed you for life. They have woken your soul up. They have loved you enough to walk away and let you know, that love is what you deserve. That was something you didn’t see in yourself. That has imprinted on you. A true lesson about love.

The one that got away, is really about where you are in your life at the time a person came into it. Failed relationships highlight where we are hungriest. They show us where we need to go next and reflect the energy we are giving out.

Time passes, and with that, the past becomes something belonging to days you cannot reclaim. You cannot live in the past. The proverbial one that got away, even if you get them back, is still about moving forward. Don’t think it will be the same as it was before, it won’t be. It can’t be. The dynamic will have changed if you have changed.

When you look at yourself and why you self-sabotaged something that offered great potential to you, these wonderful things happen:

You learn how to communicate better next time. You learn to express yourself more fully.

It gives you a chance to emotionally connect to yourself, which in turn allows you to develop that connection with others.

Give and take in relationships, is something you will learn about. You will discover the level of self worth it takes to say “I have had enough” and walk away, and you will realize how that needs to reside in you, too.

You will develop empathy for others because when you can look at your own failures and fears, and forgive yourself, you also open up a window that allows you to do the same for others. Compassion will reside within you.

Above all, you learn to let go when you face yourself. Self-sabotage is all about trying to protect yourself. But ironically, it doesn’t achieve that. You hang on to the wrong things and fear controls you. A sense of being unworthy is like wearing a dark, heavy cloak in the summertime and trying to feel the sunshine on your skin. It can never happen.

So, if you find yourself in a space where you miss someone to the point you feel they are the one that got away, that you cannot move on without them – Stop. Understand that on your journey with them, they helped show you where you needed to grow. There will always be another chance in the future where you can love again. No one got away.

Instead, you found yourself…

Namaste. xx

written by PMS team member: Lorelle

How incredible was that post? Lorelle will be answering your comments below. I’ve made it a priority to answer as many comments as humanly possible ever since day 1 and will continue to do so. Right now, I’m busy working on the launch of my new personal site so I am unable to answer comments on this post.

91 comments

Tanya

OMG Lorelle, loved this and needed this..As you and Natasha said like attracts like..I have been in the habit of falling for men who are emotionally unavailable and am always disappointed and pained when things don’t work out, when in fact at some level I am aware that I probably love them because the chances of the relationship working out are close to nil either because of the distance or because they were jerks…When I meet a man that is actually interested in me and takes the effort to plan dates, I find myself feeling repulsed and shut things down before they even begin…So fortunately/unfortunately I have never come to a point that I have regretted losing the one, though I do have my occasional “what if” moments when I let go of a potential someone…In my non-romantic life though, I have had regrets for taking my loved ones for granted and am trying (not hard enough though) to show the ones that are still around that they mean a lot to me..So this post resonates a lot with me..Thank you!

*** After reading this post, I am sure I am not the only one who hopes that my emotionally unavailable f***tard of an ex will hit this moment of realization and want to work things out ;)…Though I know that, with the one I have, it will probably never happen, at least not the way I hope and most probably not with me ( I had extremely weak boundaries and he knew he could have me whenever he wanted *sigh*)….Oh well. But thank you, again.. This post really made my morning…Love you both! xoxoxo

Lorelle

Good morning Tanya, I enjoyed reading your reply – made me smile because it’s evident there’s so much goodness and love in you ….and insight! I love it when someone can see into themselves and discover what’s holding them back. There’s so much power in that, and your honesty is humbling. I’d love to give you a hug!

You are so in tune with your past, you can see WHY things panned out the way they have and you’re so self aware of what you need to focus on to move forward. You should be so proud of yourself! Awesome place to be in right now for you.

I too, had a point in my life when my radar set to ‘emotionally unavailable’ and people like that were always in my life in some way. We really do teach people how to love us. You’re so right, when we choose someone who is unable to connect from the start (jerk alert!) it tells us where we are at. Those choices serve a purpose because they keep us safe from having to connect ourselves (we have work to do, ie unworthy feelings inside) although we pay the price with overwhelming pain and wasted time.

I particularly loved what your shared about wanting to love those more in your life who are there for you. That’s beautiful and shows that you’re well on the path to recognising and finding that person who will give you the love you deserve.

As for your ex, he’s probably not evolved enough to even think he’s got some issues to deal with. If he was, he would have made an effort to reconnect and at least apologise for things he didn’t get right. I think the weak boundary thing you mentioned is spot on – it relates back to what I said about teaching people how to treat us. You have changed so much, you’d be so different to be with now. Although at the time, it was all about him as your boundaries weren’t strong enough to stand up to him when he was trampling on them and teach him how to love and respect you. You get that now, though… things will be very different next time!

Love to you, Tanya. I’m so proud of you and I know Natasha would be too. That’s why her blog exists – and why we ride white horses together. Xxx 🦄

Tanya

Thank you Lorelle…It is because of you, Natasha and all the beautiful women I have met on this site that I have even been able to reach this level of self-awareness and understanding of my emotionally unavailable f***tard…I still have a long way to go because despite my awareness of the situation, I still sometimes have those moments when I question myself and why I wasn’t good enough (especially when he is out dating and idealizing a new chic…Ofcourse all that ends within months and he is back to searching for the “one”)…But I have reached a point where I am able to look at the situation with a sense of humor and remind myself that his new relationship isn’t about me, though it does take a lot out of me and requires me to engage in a lot of distraction in terms of exercise, music and chocolate lol….I am in a much better place now though thanks to you all, and I no longer hope that I will hear from him with some sort of apology or acknowledgement (ok, maybe a litte haha)…Thank you again, beautiful..Much love to you and Natasha xoxoxox…

AMY

Tanya

Hi Amy!! Hope you are having a nice weekend 🙂 ..Doing much better, still have my rough days, but I’m in a much better place than last month ..:)..Thank you for the love and for checking on me 🙂 You are wonderful! xoxox

Jessica

Wow that was an amazing article, and it closely hits home..I had met someone who was and is very special to me. It was long distance, but from the start we hit it off. When we started I had told her that there was a lot of me that needed work on, and I was open about my emotional shortcomings. She still loved me anyway and was there for me in ways no one ever was. She loved me so much but unfortunately I could not help myself from behaving in self sabotaging ways. She did end up leaving me, and now it’s 8 months later and she won’t talk to me at all. Has blocked me on everything. I did try and reach out twice but nothing. I know she has changed me forever like your article said, I started going to therapy but I don’t know what else to do, I still am very much in love with her, the love I have for her never died. I think of her every day and what I lost. My question is what can I do? I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her. But I can’t let her go either or the possibility of her ever coming back. I still want it to be us in the end. I think we both know what we had was the real deal but now it’s over. And I’m here regretting it everyday. And hoping I’ll get a chance to reconcile with her.

Lorelle

Thank you for sharing your story. I have actually replied twice, but lost both before they were published and so let’s hope this third time works!

I really feel for you as I know from what you write that you are in a very difficult place right now. It is hard to lose someone, and when we look back and reflect on everything and can see where we went wrong, we want to fix it.

In answer to your question, if it was me, I would write down everything I felt, my regrets and sadness and the loss I was dealing with. I would also acknowledge the place she was in, in terms of she is hurting because of things between the two of you, and she is currently dealing with that herself. I would write down everything, pour my heart out and then leave it for a couple of days, re read it and change words or add things I felt missing. When you think it is everything she needs to hear, post it to her in the mail. No emails or texts, and if she has blocked you, she won’t get them anyway. Send it, it is something she can touch and re read, and it will give her time to respond.

If you send this letter, don’t contact her again. Leave it up to her. Your letter will tell her everything she needs to hear, and in it I would request it if she would consider to meet you so you can talk. If she knows you are aware of your shortcomings and are trying to make amends, she has a chance to reach out. The thing is, she is also in a place of healing, and she may have cut contact with you so she can do that. Without a doubt, she is hurting too, and she may not respond to you for awhile, or not at all.

If she doesn’t reach out, there is nothing you can do to change that. Sadly, you have to just respect that and accept the loss, which takes time to get over. I know that hurts to read, its not always avoidable, no matter how much we want them. From this relationship, you have learned so much and it has helped you grow and develop, and I know you feel she has changed you forever. I am so glad you read this post, and so happy you replied too, although I don’t know how much my words will help, as I know you are in a painful place right now.

Just write to her and share your feelings It is all you can do. Hopefully she will contact you and you can talk to her. If that doesn’t happen, just know she is unable to be in that space for you, as she is still dealing with her side of it. Like I wrote, love can really be double edged, and sometimes we really suffer when fall in love. Big hug to you, Jessica. I am thinking of you, please write again if you need to.

Above all, I admire your courage to be so honest with yourself, and it shows how you really want to become the best version of you. That is always a beautiful thing. Be strong. I know that is hard right now, but you can do it. Come to PMS if you need support. xx ❤️

Mary

This post wat so incredibly helpful! It made me see a relationship from both sides and gain perspective about the person self-sabotaging. I’ve always had trouble understanding the concept/idea that someone else’s (or my) actions are about them and not me. I get it now. The reason I’m still holding on to some f***tard is because I’m not feeling worthy or deserving. It really has nothing to do with him. I’m not sure why this is clicking into place now, but it is. I’ve definitely pushed people away that were emotionally healthy because I wasn’t and therefore wasn’t attracted to that. I hope this post is spread far and wide because it makes me feel so much better. Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Lorelle

Mary! So pleased this gave you perspective about the self sabotage thing. It took me a long time to wake up to it, and now I finally get it, I am really grateful to be able to share my understanding of it. I have dealt with the low self esteem/feeling worthless/undeserving thing in the past and it is a very isolating place to be. However, when you begin to see what you are doing to yourself, suddenly the light appears at the end of the tunnel, and down we go after it!

It’s self empowering when you make these connections and realize how you can alter your life because of it. Suddenly, the past has a purpose in that we learnt something valuable from what we have been doing, and it paves the way for healthy interactions with others. Especially OURSELVES! (Yay!)

I love your feedback and I know Natasha would be smiling to know that this is helpful to her readers. She really loves this platform she has created, and I am so blessed to be asked by her to write sometimes. It’s so full of love here. PMS promotes self healing and enables us to learn from the past and move towards the life and relationships we really want to have. Thank you, Mary. Happiness and love xxx – you are a white horse warrior! 🦄

Lorelle

thanks for coming here, reading and sharing your thoughts. Natasha will love your words, and I absolutely agree, she does shine light on people! That darkness thing is scary and keeps up lonely. The sunshine that Natasha provides us with, is what inspires us to try again, to trust again, to take risks and above all, feel valued and loved. So beautiful that wrote and thank you for your words, Cathy. xx Love to you xx 🌸🌸

Lynn

This post was incredibly insightful. I need help and some insight please…

Doing the introspective work and valuing vulnerability, communication and emotional intimacy is imperative. I encompassed all of these things and yet was left by the one who refused to be vulnerable or communicate when real issues arose. Even stating to me they don’t answer questions for resolve or reflect on their part. I was shocked when I learned of this 7 months into a relationship that I believe to be the love of my life. Things were so amazing until then (he wanted to marry me) … the first real issues of dealing with boundaries. So why is it I feel I lost the love of my life? I was willing to wait it out and give it time and try and within 3 weeks of dealing with his passive-aggressiveness and hot cold behavior he left me. How does this happen?? I showed up willing to do the work and he ran. He hoovered some even coming back when I had surgery and was hospitalized telling me he loved me so much and thinks of me all the time… to just poof… disappear again without hearing another word from him.

Please help me understand this when I was the emotionally available ready to do the work when real life called and fun was set aside and then suddenly, me being the love of his life turned into him saying he wanted his fun care-free financial-free life and not deal with other peoples stuff. Then for him to resurface again when I was in the hospital and say he loved me still and try slowly ( and I believed him foolishly) to disappear again without a word from him now? (and our town is so small I’ve seen him from afar and seen on social media he’s doing fine…not grieving over the loss of me at all.) I am completely confused, heart broken and can’t believe I trusted his words again. He was so “for me” and “all in” talking marriage for 6 months and then poof complete 180 at first onset of real life issues. Any helpful insight is greatly appreciated… I am floundering.

Thank you

Lorelle

Lynn, I have re read your words several times. You are really in the right place if you want to get some help and love as you go through this. PMS is full of posts about men like this, the ones who promise us everything, then disappear when we need them in real. It is a common dilemma for many people, both men and women. And in short, the reason this happened is because this man was NOT EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE.

He is in love with the idea of love.

His actions don’t match his words. And the reason that blindsided you so much was because you trusted him. You were ready for a real relationship. I am disgusted that he can visit you in hospital and say those things, then disappear again. From an outside perspective, you have lost nothing. But from yours, I know you feel you have lost your future.

To give you some perspective, he was good at ‘future faking’. Type that in to PMS as Natasha has written about that before. This man, was all for image, but with nothing to back it up in real. Try to understand, you miss and are in love with the man he projected. Not who is actually is in reality. That amazing man you first met, who promised you happiness and much to come, he doesn’t really exist. I’m so sorry, Lynn.

I know that is awful to read, but there are people who cannot love past the first 6 months or so of a relationship. The wheels begin to fall off because they aren’t really available, they cannot love themselves let alone anyone else. They want to be that wonderful person, but they will disappear, run hot and cold, on and off whenever it gets too hard for them. Whenever sh*t gets real, they flee.

I am sure you have heard the words “when a man tells you who he is, believe him” Yes, yes, yes. Believe him. When he told you he wanted to be financially free, without the burden of others, he meant that. That was the real man (I want to use the F word here…Fboy) speaking up.

You thought you had a wonderful loving man, a future partner, but in actual fact, he turned out to be a large F***boy Supreme. It hurts, and it will hurt for some time but I am going to try and get you to see something. You wrote that you were ready and available, and you understand the importance of emotional vulnerability. You get it. He is the polar opposite of you. He cannot do or be those things. You are a mismatch. That is why his actions don’t match yours. That is why his words are just words, and meaningless to you when it comes to him acting on them.

He will happily be selfish enough to take what he wants from you, and yet be nowhere to be seen when you need him. Sometimes we see little pink (or red) flags appearing and we wonder what they mean. Sometimes out of the blue, they just disappear and we wonder what is going on. That is the red flag telling you he isn’t who he pretended to be.

He will not change and the fact he can be on social media without any guilt or sadness relating to you, also tells you who he is. Incapable of loving a woman like you.

I know you are in a very lonely place right now, but please know, he has saved you a lot of heartache by you seeing all this now. Imagine this being your husband, and these things happening. The thing with these types is, the way they let you down, continues to get worse as time passes. They are unable to commit to long term. Unable to commit at all really. They are however, able to do showy, shallow stuff that sounds good but it runs dry very quickly.

I am a little teary writing this to you, Lynn, as I have been there (so has Natasha and many readers here) and it is tough. Right now, love yourself. Buy yourself flowers, get a mani, see your friends who care about you, spoil yourself in little ways.

Out there, right now, is a man who is tying up the ends of his life, where one day, he will end up coming into yours. He is out there. He is. Keep the faith on this one. He is out there, and you deserve him and what he can offer you, as well as him deserving you and what you can give him.

This person who hurt you, and shows no care or remorse, be grateful for him showing you that. He will always be full of excuses, and he will always let you down. He doesn’t deserve you. He will learn though, in his own way, that YOU are the one who got away. Might take him years, but you did the right thing. He feels like a loss because you invested in him. But you will regain that and more by letting him go.

Focus on you now. And come here and read, read, read. There are so many posts here about the issues you are dealing with. It will help you feel better. It will help you heal and restore your faith. 🙏🏻

Just get on your white horse and ride. When the right man appears, you will know. And he won’t be disappearing. He will be making sure you know he loves you because his actions will match his words. Be brave, Lynn. With love and hugs xx. You got this xx 🙏🦄

Tevamac

Amanda

Hi Lorelle, thank you for this post. It was beautifully written and felt very relevant. Is there anything I can or should say to a guy I have been seeing, who I feel like is on the brink of self-sabotage, before I walk away? Can you prevent self-sabotage in someone else? As you say, I think his fear of commitment (to long distance) is clouding his understanding of what I am offering, even though he has recognized how rare it is. I was the one reluctant before but came around. I have a feeling he will one day regret this decision, which makes it hard for me to let go.

Lorelle

It says so much about you that you want to try and prevent this man from regretting his decision, if he goes down that path. It comes from a place of love, and you are also invested in the decision he chooses.

I would communicate to him all the positives you both gain from being a couple. If it’s a distance thing that’s the main hurdle, there will eventually be a way around that too, so it’s not permanent. All couples have their up’s and down’s and there is a difference between these and brick walls. Up and down times rely on love, understanding and compromise. Talk about this with him, and share your feelings with each other on how you see the future unfolding.

You said he recognises the value of finding someone he connects so we’ll with. That in itself is a great thing. I think too, that you were at first the reluctant one, gives you insight into where he sits now. You have an awareness of both sides, and it means you can offer him empathy, which allows him to open up. You aren’t coming from a needy, desperate place. That right there is a huge positive!

At the least, you both could trial the distance situation, and re evaluate both your needs and feelings from a different angle. You’re clearly coming from a level place, Amanda and I’m sure without a doubt this man respects and values you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and the beautiful words. I’m gunning for you on this. Lots of positive thoughts to you and your guy. We love positive outcomes at PMS – and you deserve the good stuff. xxx 🌟💫

Lori

Lorelle! This is brilliant!! Thank you for sharing your insight again. I adore your take on these issues and how to turn it around so we can grow and learn and do better. I am no longer interested in being the one that got away and this post has helped me realize that is who i pick, who i fall for. we have so much more control and power over these situations than we realize. and this is why its good to be single for a long time, to really learn ourselves and what we deserve. Love and light to you and the rest of the tribe. White horses, my peeps! <3

Lorelle

So good to see you! Yes, yes, yes, yassssssss to your post! Couldn’t have said it better, and we MUST know ourselves first before anyone else can. We truly do have a lot of power and control over situations. Mindset is everything. A sense of deserving matched with high standards really does keep the aphids away from the roses. And this tribe is full of roses. 🌹

I love your words, “ I’m no longer interested in being the one that got away ….and that will bring you great things. Because you know your worth. Everyone else will see it too. Hugs and love, ❤️🦄 ride on! X

Samantha

Thank you so much for this post. This touched me so much that I cried. I loved everything you said and the perspective you put in each part of the post.

I just got out of a relationship a month ago to a guy who I thought was the one. We have not spoken a word since this day, and it really hurts me. I tried so hard in the relationship that when he left me, I didn’t want to try anymore; I wanted him to.

A part of me still doesn’t feel like it’s over. But at the same time, I don’t know if I want to get back together. There were more wrongs than rights.

Reading through your post, if I took many of those points and applied them in the relationship, I asked myself “would we still be together?” Then I asked “is that what I wan?” I don’t know.

I am at the point in my life that I feel that I am not worthy of love; that I will never find the one who is going to be with me forever. I want to implement those things so I am happy with myself, but how? I always say “when I look like this, when I get this, when I have that”, but what about when that comes?

I will definitely be reading this post again. Thank you Lorelle, and that you Natasha for introducing us to this beautiful woman.

Lorelle

So touched by your words. I know you’re battling a lot of emotions right now, but keep focusing on YOU. There’s a lot of insight in your words, but because you’re in pain, you may have overlooked it. What I’m trying to say is you’re further along the road to finding what you want than you realise. 😌

Those questions you ask yourself, is it what I really want/ would we still be together/ looking back and seeing there were more wrongs than rights… trust YOURSELF on these doubts and understandings. They come from your gut and will always tell you the truth, unlike your heart which sometimes ‘knows’ the truth but finds it hard to face it.

You also need to focus on yourself because those feelings you have about unworthiness, and your doubts about finding true love, come from a place of lack. When we feel like this, we tend to accept things we don’t want because we don’t think we deserve better. Never settle. Get to know yourself and what makes you happy.

Natasha writes about how sometimes we ‘audition’ in life, trying to give others what we think they want. No. For now, focus on what you want. You might not even know what those things are yet, but even more the reason to find out.

When you know what you want, when you like who you are, good things happen. You stop settling, and you become more aware of the things that fill you up when you see them. They start appearing in your life, because you identify with them.

Old standards and people who aren’t your fit, begin to crop up less and less. That’s why you need to focus on you. When you meet the right person, he will notice all the things in you that make you unique. You’re not auditioning – you’re just yourself. That’s an awesome place to be. It also stops you chasing ‘carrots’ – ‘when I have this/when I have that etc. you’ll learn to live in the present and appreciate it.

Laura

Wow what a great article!! Truly enjoyed reading it!! I am into six month out of my relationship to a man who was unemotional and narcissistic!! I finally said enough bcs of the no change in his part! But it’s true you make these learning experiences!! I was in and out of similar men, but this last one I decided to reflect on this one and it has been tough!! I try to go over and over to see what I did wrong or could have done more but I see now no matter what I did he was the one who had to make some growth!! I still hurt but learning to take baby steps forward each day and learn to grow from this!! I truly hope I was the one who got away in this case but I guess I will never know!! Thank you for all the great reading and learning you send our ways!!

Laura

Lorelle

Baby steps are strong steps. They move you forward and allow you to enjoy your progress along the way. There’s no rush. It’s great you can identify traits in your ex that were the root cause of many issues. It shows you have self awareness and you can cut your losses.

When we recognise something isn’t working or good for us, we are knowing when to fold, and Natasha writes a lot about that. It’s a strong move and it’s closly related to how we see ourselves and our value.

Be happy you are doing so well without this person, as you wouldn’t have been able to change his ways no matter how much time you invested. Now you’re free to love yourself enough to attract someone who can love you – and allow you to love them too.

I think you were the one that got away, but that’s a good thing in this case. Thank you for your kind, sweet words and writing here today. It’s always so good to know people benefit from The PMS community and the posts that are published. Xx hugs xx 💕

Linda

Hello Lorelle. This was so amazing! I’m the one who feels he got away but I think maybe I contributed but not sure yet. He was emotionally unavailable as I have told you before. So I’m a little confused. Either way this. Oath will mark one year and we have never spoke since the day he broke my heart. I will not reach out because I do not have the courage. It was humiliating enough. I do agree with everything you said. You make it very clear that no matter what we need to love ourselves first. He admitted he did not like himself so what do you do with that. Anyway, I am working on me and you do make a good point about looking within ourselves. Very hard to do. I am still trying to love myself. I still hold on to all of the memories and the thoughts of him still preoccupy me daily. I know though that I will never have a decent relationship until I like me, love me and know myself. Thank you for such an great post. You are so insightful and I very much appreciate your words of strength. I hope you are well and I wish you all great and amazing things. Love and support you 😘🦄🌸💕

Lorelle

It’s really great to see you again, and thanks for your lovely wishes and love.

Really, just focus on you. Sometimes two people just aren’t right for each other even if they both have good qualities. I think it’s a definite red flag that your ex admitted he didn’t like himself. It’s good he can see that but it will not help him in intimate relationships.

I’m so proud of you for deciding that until you love, like and know yourself, the good stuff won’t come. It’s such a basic, but powerful truth. Sometimes we try our best in relationships but we end up learning about ourselves instead of finding a life partner. That’s still a positive, and something to value.

One year is a long time, and I’m proud of you for not contacting him because it sounds like he wouldn’t have valued the courage and heart it took to do that. You’re beautiful and there are great things happening for you. You don’t need someone in your life who cannot see that in you. Stay strong, you’re looking so good up there on your white horse xx love 🦄 💐

Linda

V

Thank you, thank you Lorelle. So well and beautifully written. I wish my relationship had someone who would calmly talk and work things out. Instead, I always got abandoned. Isn’t that extreme for expressing anger or having “an attitude”? Or having a disagreement? Or defending oneself? Your advice about pain is good, but it’s amazing how pain hurts more than words can express. It’s awful, like a trap! This was so excellent. I have wondered about this subject for a while. Thank you beautiful Lorelle and beautiful Natasha!

Lorelle

Being abandoned is truly a horrible and particularly cruel way to end a relationship. It speaks so much about the person who did it, and even more about you for being strong enough to recognise it for what it was – abuse, and knowing you deserve better. You do!

People who show no care or concern for another’s feelings are truly not worth having our lives. In a very painful fashion the way they treat us is a gift as they show us who they really are and we have no reason to keep trying to love them. You’re right though, it’s incredibly painful and it hurts mentally, physically and emotionally. Words really can’t express it.

That’s the beautiful thing about Natasha, because she’s been there too, and when you’re having a hard time, you can come here and read til it makes you feel better. She is so full of love and writes in the hope it will help others who are going through the same. Thanks for being part of the tribe here, V. Lots of love always xxx ❤️

Mahnoor

Its really interesting seeing this perspective it actually answers some of my questions that were never answered by the guy i was talking to , i noticed alot of weird things about him too , if we ever had a good time together he would text me something weird at night like “people dont like me” and then he woould just leave the conversation i used to be so confused why he would do this but i hit my limit because from the beginning he showed me that he wanted to be in a relationship but When he held my hand and tried to act like we were in one when we werent but then he didnt even talk to me for a week after so i asked him whats going on and what he said literally had me shocked he told me that he was only “joking” when we were holding hands…… i was sitting there thinking wtf and he was like omg i was being “friendly” and that i mistook his friendliness for something else and that its my fault. That was the last time we talked, for weeks i felt like my head was gonna explode i was so confused how this is possible because i knew i didnt read his behaviour the wrong way but yeah its been 4 months of no contact he tried to msg me and snap me but i never responded , ever since i have felt better every day and also lol this makes me laugh now but after a month of no contact he sent me a video of him and a girl together he personally sent me this lol i had no words he got blocked from everywhere after that i dont even understand why he would send me that when hes the one who wanted to called us “just friends” it is such weird behaviour I come back here all the time and re read the posts they help me so much ❤️

Lorelle

Thanks for writing here…and I’m glad this post helped you. About this guy…you don’t need him. When you wrote that since cutting contact, you have felt better everyday, I smiled because you ARE better off without him in your life in any way. You deserve to be happy and he will never contribute to that.

I think that he sent a video of himself with another girl says so many things about him. Things like: big ego, selfish, immature, emotionally unavailable, no integrity, f***boy….but I think you can see these things and that’s what makes it so confusing when they are sometimes nice to you!

A person who genuinely cares will not send mixed messages, and I think he has a few issues he needs to deal with if he’s also saying things like ‘people don’t like me’. He needs to grow up.

Well done for blocking him! You don’t need that kind of negative energy in your life and you are wayyyyy too good for anyone who behaves this way. Keep your standards high and remember you deserve good things. So proud that moved on from him, Mahnoor! Keep reading here at PMS, it’s a good place to fill up inside when you are feeling low.

Love to you xx 🌺🌸

mahnoor

awhhh thankyou Lorelle! and yes that is so true I could definitely see it and feel something was off aswell i just sometimes wonder what was the purpose of sending me that, it just seemed out of nowhere to me

Melissa

Thank you so much for this Lorelle. I feel so lost too and i’ve been coming here to the blog everyday to read and re-read. This post will definitely be added to that too. I have been in a relationship with someone who i love so dearly. I met him in 2015 and we were together for a year. We ended up not being together anymore because within the first month of our relationship he cheated on me and lied to me about it for months. Also, the entire relationship was so full of insecurity for me. It was always hot/cold. He was so inconsistent. When we broke up, i found out that only 1 month after breaking up with me he had a new girlfriend. I was totally devasted. He even texted me when he was already with her, to ‘ask me how i was doing’. I told him it would be better to focus on 1 girl at the time this time and also told him to never contact me again. He responded with a lot of texts, saying that he doesn’t want it to be this way. But i stayed strong and never replied. The year following, he was with her and i was going through the incredible hard time it took to get over him. But then… a year later i recieved a text from him. First just casual talk and than asking to meet up. Hoping that maybe he would have changed, i went for it. We met up for a drink and soon after we were in a relationship again. He only broke up with the girlfriend before me 1 month ago. She left him for his best friend and they were together now (still are). I asked him if this wasn’t too quick. But no, he was totally future faking. Telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and coming of Sooooo strong. I trusted him (stupid enough). The following months he was being really sweet to me with his words everyday, showering me with affection. But a couple of months in i started to notice the words didn’t match his actions at all. He would blow hot and cold again, not involve himself in my life (he wasn’t there for me at all when i went moving, he didn’t even visit my place after 4 months of living there), drinking/partying a lot, calling me every night while i was sleeping, waking me up. In short: everything was about him and i tried to fit into that life. I was becoming a shell of my futute self. And all of the above he did while still telling me he loved me everyday. It was so confusing. Also, the ‘ex topic’ started to pop up a few weeks in. He would cry about how she hurt him so bad and he couldn’t shake the feeling. I was there for him, but it worried me. I asked if he still had feelings for her and he said he absolutely didn’t, just a hard time dealing with the betrayal. He said there was nothing for me to worry about, saying he loved me and the 2 things (his ex and being with me) were 2 seperate things. Eventually: this ended up being the reason we broke up after a year. He said he wanted to be with me and didn’t want to lose me while crying so hard, but he couldn’t see a future with me at the moment (also claiming that he did WANT it but just found it hard). So i broke up with him. He cried so much and almost begged me not to go. But he wasn’t prepared to work on the relationship together. So i totally stood up for myself (finally!!) and left him. He wanted to call me that night and i kindly declined. It’s been 1.5 month now and i havent heard from him. He is going crazy on snapchat, posting stories of girls, partying, booze almost everyday. And i’m trying to deal with my pain. I’m sorry for the long story, i had to get it out. What do you think Lorelle, is he emotionally unavailable?? Will he ever change?? Was he the same with his ex that he couldn’t seem to get over? Please give me some insight, anything. Thank you so much, also Natasha: you’re an angel! Xxx

Lorelle

Whoop! Whoop! Good on you for sticking up for yourself and choosing to no longer accept the unloving and shabby treatment this guy was handing out. Also, thank you for sharing, because it does feel so much better to get it all out. You’re amazing to have stayed so level throughout it all.

You asked me for my opinion, and yes, I think he’s emotionally unavailable. I also think he’s immature, self centred and a unstable. All of these hot/cold inconsistencies, betraying you, then telling you he couldn’t get over the feeling of betrayal from his ex ( karma?) – crying and begging you to not leave even though he cannot commit, and now multiple girls/partying/heavy drinking/all over Snapchat for the world to see… what a hot mess.

It’s sad too, because he’s affecting others with his behaviour and you have taken the high road and walked away from him. That.is.gold. I’m so proud of you, because it’s really hard to do that, and even though you’re still hurting, you stayed true and strong to your decision.

This is a prime example of someone who doesn’t know they are on to a good thing. He’s had a second chance with you, and blown it again. No more chances.

He won’t change (at least not anytime soon)… and I think you have given enough and put up with enough from him to know it’s not going to get better.

He has a lot of lessons to learn about respect ( of others and self respect too), integrity, honesty and owning his behaviour. It’s not your job to be there for him while he does that. It’s your job to love yourself, spend time with happy people who care for you, and yes, keep reading here at PMS. Natasha would be so happy to hear how great you’re doing!

Go out today and buy yourself something nice, treat yourself. Or do something fun with a friend you love. Be kind to yourself. 🕊

Love isn’t meant to be painful like this. We get used to it, and because they say they love us, we think it’s love. Something is wrong or missing when this is what we get. When our hearts hurt and we have no peace, it’s a sign this is not the love you deserve. You deserve love without this pain and all the inconsistencies.

Melissa

Thank you so much❤ it helps so much to read your advice. Deep down i know what’s going on, but i often dont see the wood for the trees. My last question: do you think that maybe he just didn’t love me enough and that’s just it? That he didn’t think i was worth fighting for and maybe with another women he will completely do that and be everything i always wished he was with me?

Lorelle

Melissa, This guy doesn’t love himself. That’s why he couldn’t love you. He drowns himself in parties/girls/sex and alcohol because he can’t bear to sit down and think about why he feels and acts the way he does. He does these things to distract himself and avoid looking at his dysfunctional life. He makes excuses, poor choices and then looks at the drama around him and he can’t deal. He won’t take responsibility for any of it. It’s all about random decisions made without any care or consideration for others or the consequences. He is irresponsible and immature, only concerned for himself. Deep down you know this, but I know sometimes it helps to hear another person say it. Natasha writes about people who ‘sh*t their emotional shorts/bed’. This guy belongs in a daycare centre.

You were enough, but you were with a guy who can’t see that. However, I’m more concerned about YOU questioning were you good enough to have him fight for you…you’re tying your worth to his behaviour and that is about you seeking validation. Work on that. Read Natasha’s posts about ‘emotionally unavailable’. ‘Mixed signals’. ‘validation seeking’ . Type those words into the search bar on PMS, and read the posts that come up. You will learn so much about why some people act in such unloving ways. you’ll also see that treating others badly, speaks volumes about them and not you. It is not your problem.

This guy isn’t going to be Mr Right for the next girl he is with. He will do all the stuff he did to you, to her. And the next girl. The next. The one after that. Put it this way, when you gave him a second chance, he still repeated the same behaviour- and he was meant to be sorry for what he did the first time.

I know you’re hurting and it’s hard to move on from someone we have feelings for, but his actions are terrible towards you. He treats you badly. When you work on building your self worth and learn what you really want and deserve, you won’t even attract a guy like this. Truly! And you won’t accept this kind of treatment either if someone tries it again.

I know it’s hard Melissa, but let him go. Leave him at the daycare centre, block him on Snapchat and know you are worth more. He’s a f***boy, not a man. He’s had his two chances with you, and he’s messed up twice. The previous girl left him. I wonder why… It’s hard I know, but get him out of your life. No contact. You’ll feel better so much sooner than you’ll realise. The drama, all the crap, will stop.

Lorelle

Rhea

Lorelle, you are just too beautiful. Both you and Natasha are such amazing women. This post hit very deep. I had to read it in small chunks in order to digest my emotions/thoughts on my past relationships and the revelations I received as I read.

I recently let go of two relationships that were really toxic for me. The first person was someone I always went back to in hope that we might actually enter a long term relationship (despite his emotional unavailability). In the name of “childhood friends” and close familial ties, I always felt guilty about being the one to end the relationship. But, I truly believe that you can’t move on to something better while holding on to what’s bringing you pain. I would go so far as saying that “something better” wouldn’t even be able to find its way to you in while in a limbo state. The second person was someone I was in a long distance relationship with for quite some time. I still find bits of him and the relationship so perplexing because he was emotionally available (never ignored me, always talked through what was bothering me, tried to solve problems) and seemed to really care about my well-being. At the same time, he wasn’t willing to alter his lifestyle to accommodate the distance between us, because his career was most important. It all depended on me to make it work – whether that including, moving, traveling, or acquiescing to his every need. I did this for about two years. We tried to break things off multiple times, only to boomerang right back to each other. Finally, the tug of war on my heart became too much, and, after he gave me an ultimatum I decided that we should part ways for good.

After reading this post, I’m no longer concerned with being the one that got away. These were not “bad guys”, just not the men for me. I learned a lot from both relationships, and I think a new level of emotional maturity has allowed me to see that a single person can have both a positive and negative impact on your life. I’ve committed to never go back to either person, and your words provided much needed hope for learning myself and being aware of what I attract.

On white horses we ride… xxx

Lorelle

Hi Rhea, I get the boomerang analogy, especially since I’m Australian 😎 and I am so glad you shared your story. You wrote: ‘ I truly believe that you can’t move on to something better while holding on to what’s bringing you pain’. I think that’s brilliant! Sooooo true! I don’t think you’ll mind if I add that to my quote wall.

I really love the way you can assess the past and sum up that these men were just not right for you. You really have insight and have emotionally processed it all so well. I admire that because despite what I write, I am very slow to process emotion when it comes to love and it takes me a lo g and hard time to let go. So kudos to you!

I agree with everything you say, and when we truly start connecting with ourselves and getting the self love thing right, it does change our perspective on who enters our life. It also changes the way we respond and what we accept.

I learnt these things the hard way, but I’m grateful for the lessons. I healed a lot reading Natasha’s posts and it’s so awesome to interact with other readers this way. Thank you for commenting and I know there are great things ahead for you… With love xx 💫

Hazel

I am SO glad I discovered this wonderful gem of a site. This post really spoke volumes to me. Having been involved with a f*cktard over a 4 year period, I was left devastated, reeling, and shellshocked when he GHOSTED me in January right after a visit I made to see him. A few months ago, in April, I caved and sent him a message asking him what was going on and that I was upset that he’d seemingly just disappeared on me. Unfortunately this was to no avail and he completely ignored my message, it’s as if I don’t even exist. My self-esteem has taken a big hit and I struggled hugely for months, feeling that there must have been something soooo uniquely off-putting about me. This one future faked big time too, telling me how ‘special’ I was, how he’d never felt so intensely about anyone before, ‘I can only be happy if I know you are’, (haha yeah sure!). Looking back, I walked into a minefield of red flags – he told me he’s had 14 girlfriends (we’re both 22 years old) and of course I got to hear all about his so-called ‘crazy’ ex, blowing hot/cold and randomly disappearing. But of course I completely fell for the sweet-talking BS and was absolutely smitten with him.

This site has been an absolute lifesaver for me in rebuilding my self-esteem and helping me realise that no, it is really about him, not me. I’ve had to fight the urge to let loose and tell him how much he’s hurt me but what good would it do. If he truly cared, he wouldn’t have done this in the first place. I haven’t reached out to him again and STAYED ON THE WHITE HORSE. I’ve taken a big break from social media and unfollowed him (I know I really should block though) and am starting to feel a lot better. It’s so great to have this site to turn to when I start feeling down about things; we are a tribe of strong, intelligent, beautiful women. We are worth SO MUCH MORE than these FTs.

Lorelle

I’m feeling for you, everything you have been through – it’s very tough to get over. You invested so much time into this relationship, and for it to end after a visit in such a shady way, that really illustrated to you how high this guy scored on the ftard scale.

I have been there, wondering what I did wrong, was it me/ did I say something that upset him/ why am I not enough/ crawling around on broken glass just waiting for him reappear and be nice for a day, only to ghost again for weeks or months. It is incredibly painful and although very difficult to process emotionally, over time you do move on. You heal and become wiser and stronger.

My ephipany was when I realised I just kept living for the good times and I was really enabling/allowing emotional abuse and that the result would never change. It had to change though, I knew he wouldn’t so I did. He ghosted – and I was never there for his next return.

I’m so glad you can tell your story with such strength and insight, and I totally get that urge you have to just give it to him about everything he put you through, letting it all out, You’d get more of a result though from hitting your head against a brick wall, because people like that don’t care. That’s why they can treat others badly and just act like it never happened.

You’re right though, with a history of 14 girlfriends there’s a lot of red flags flying for a reason with this ex. It’s empowering isn’t it when you look back and realise how much you have gained by being able to move on from someone like that. Still hurts though. But pain brings self reflection and growth. When you feel like telling him what he put you through, try writing it down, every time you think of something you want to say. If you’re feeling anger, then let yourself feel all of it. Don’t bottle it up, give it the voice it deserves because anger is just about our soul recognising our boundaries have been disrespected. The same goes for feeling sad, let those feelings wash over you, because you need to feel things before you can let them go.

Good for you about your white horse! You’ll travel smoothly and quietly through the dark days if you trust your instinct to ride on, to not go back. Natasha would be so proud and happy to read your post, because PMS exists to do everything you mentioned, and it really is a place full of compassion… Xx much love to you, and at 22, you have so much to look forward to. 🦄🦄..not to mention an emotional maturity that is impressive for someone who has been through so much at a young age. Xx thank you, Hazel.

Hazel

Thanks so much for your kind words Lorelle <3 It means so much to hear from someone who totally gets it. Part of me is still desperately clinging onto the hope that he'll reach out but I've been through the 'lather-rinse-repeat' cycle of disappointment too many times to know that he's not suddenly going to undergo a personality transplant and morph into prince charming. It's just so crushing to think that he's probably just getting on with his life and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem. Lol that sounds so self-pitying but he was honestly the first guy I truly felt in love with and it hurts so much to realise it was all essentially a lie. I really did think he was a great guy so it hurts to admit I was so very wrong. Hey at least I am learning this hard lesson now so I can be more discerning in future and I am truly learning a great deal in the process of recovery so at least I can extract a silver lining from this dark and stormy cloud!

As well as the 14 girlfriends, he had an ex with whom he was on/off for 7 years so it sort of hints at a dysfunctional relationship. He seemed to have a whole harem of girls ready to attend to his needs. I actually recall him once saying that 'he sticks around for the sex' with his exes. God how could I have been so blind to this sleazebag's shady nature!

I've been journaling my thoughts and frustrations which has definitely been cathartic for me and reading all the helpful advice on PMS. Once again thank you so much for your kind words Lorelle, you are truly so sweet <3

KP

Hazel, I was so touched by your story…. and let me second what Lorelle said about your emotional maturity. I’m blown away that you have taken a break from social media and unfollowed, (not to stereotype but….) at your age!! Whoa you have more strength, self control and tenacity than you know! At 22 I didn’t know I could ride the white horse!! I was waiting on that knight…. and you have STAYED ON YOUR WHITE HORSE you strong amazing woman you!!!!

I really can’t add to Lorelle’s beautiful wise words (reread take it all in, keep coming back to it!) but I’ve been ghosted too. And I honestly believe it is THE MOST PAINFUL ending to a relationsh$t. I say sh$t Bc no real RELATIONSHIP ends with ghosting; it ends with closure, however painful it may be. Ghosting is the epitome of immaturity, cowardice, disrespect, f$cktard behavior. Just search ghosting…. (so many encouraging articles!) even in our PC world, it’s unacceptable.

Ok I’m ab to add to it, can’t help myself…. even tho Lorelle is the bomb and said it all! ! I’m just figuring this out as I go. And pulling from my own experience…

This guy not only ghosted you (with a track record and some super shady comments ab his past), but the kicker – he didn’t respond when you reached out! Months later! (Way to hold off!) His one chance to redeem himself. Hazel, Deal breaker. The end.

I knowwww it hurts. I know you keep replaying what he said what happened bw you. Four years is a long long time, your heart must be hurting so so hard, and I’m so sorry this is where you have landed. But, Trust me. Please. HE is in the lather-rinse-repeat cycle…. of using women. He is NOT getting on with his life and happier. No. Nope. Not at all. No matter what he portrays. He is not into changing for the better. YOU are ab to get on with your life and find happiness. And cutting him off and working towards indifference (the opposite of love) is one step closer.

Tell yourself “he’s not coming back!” (That f$cktard!) And search the archives of this blog like crazy Bc so many posts apply to what you’re going through. I really felt like I was drowning until I found this blog. I finally learned how to love myself enough to let go. I finally loved myself enough to NOT CARE ab the actions of a f’’tard. . Seriously these type of guys…. they do a number on us, but only if we let them. Block him, go the gym, go out with your girlfriends and celebrate the new you! Do not spend another minute waiting on him to respond. Even if he DOES!! Be already past it so it doesn’t phase you Bc you’re so busy being the “new you!” Don’t respond.

The way to get back at a f@tard ghoster is not to write out a heartfelt f-you letter (even tho we WANT TO oh we have written 57 letters in our heads…. and he totally deserves it) but it’s to be the best version of YOU. And be SILENT. Write the letter (or journal like you and Lorelle said) and give yourself closure and tuck it away or burn it if it’s a all the things I never said letter. And the cool thing is – being the best version of you opens the door to people who truly care and see and appreciate you. Getting back at a f-tard is only a bonus. 😉😘

Hazel

I am sitting here tearing up at your beautiful kind words. Really, I’m so glad that this wonderful community of women exists and your words mean SO much to me. It’s by no means an easy journey but I firmly believe that by keeping on doing what I am doing, the pain will slowly subside over time. I’ve saved Lorelle’s reply and now yours to a document so I can reread these wise words when the going gets tough.

The ghosting hurts so fucking much but you know what, I actually sort of pity him now. I mean, I gave him the CHANCE to be upfront, I kept my cool, didn’t insult him, just asked calmly what was going on and he STILL didn’t have the balls to say anything. I would say I feel sorry for him, what a way to go through life. You can’t just bury your head in the sand to avoid confrontation otherwise you will end up emotionally stagnant. Sometimes in life uncomfortable conversations need to be had, it’s not fun but it’s how you behave like a decent human being with integrity. This just really shows how much he lacks that. I did make the mistake of looking at his Linkedin profile once recently though to discover that he has a grad job in the States (I live in the UK) which is probably a good thing for me in moving on (even though I admittedly did feel a twinge of sadness when I initially saw that).

This blog has literally helped me SO much. I literally feel like I have attained some level of enlightenment after reading through so many of these posts…these shady types are everywhere and I’ve come to realise that it really is NOT about you at all, these are just emotionally stunted man-children. I feel like a phoenix rising up from the ashes lol! We are worth SO much more than these men would let us believe. As my friends very bluntly put it, “why are you wasting your time on this ugly douchebag?”

I don’t even know if he’s read my message from a few months ago seeking clarification but I’m not going to check or reach out in any shape or form. Silence speaks volumes. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom KP <3 Keep slaying, gal

KP

Awww much love to you Hazel! I have saved so many posts and comments from this blog to come back to! The sisterhood and tribe love here is unparalleled. I LOVE what you said ab attaining some level of enlightenment from reading here. That’s exactly how I feel! Isn’t it like seeing the world through a new lens and you can never go back!?

Hazel you have a heart of gold. You already pity him and for awesome level-headed reasons. You kept your cool and calmly handled this like a white horse bad-a Warrior! (My phone knew to autocap that lol). Don’t beat yourself up for checking up on him. Sometimes what we find helps us move on faster. That’s been true for me.

You are more ahead than you think you are in the moving on process! I honestly have gained more strength and focus from reading your words. Like a reset that I needed. Two thoughts that came to mind – for me and you… after reading your words “You can’t just bury your head in the sand to avoid confrontation otherwise you will end up emotionally stagnant. Sometimes in life uncomfortable conversations need to be had, it’s not fun but it’s how you behave like a decent human being with integrity.“ YES!!

Either…. (and there are really only two options right!? I’ve just decided I won’t let my ghost slip by without fitting into one of these categories.)

1. He feels really bad ab ghosting. It weighs on him daily. He’s just too much of a MANCHILD like you said to buck up and make it right with a SIMPLE explanation and apology. He thinks it will incite more drama. 🙄 Hello we women who have been ghosted and disrespected have exhibited the most self control, patience and kindness a person can have in these circumstances so the drama card is in your hand MANCHILD. (These men do not take us seriously. Like you eluded to – they like to keep us feeling less than, like we have to earn their favor.) I love the #likeagirl campaign so…. #getghostedlikeagirl LOL! We’ve got this! 👊🏻

2. He doesn’t care that he ghosted. Ouch. Knife to the heart! Who does that!? But seriously this one is like the FOLD CARD / immediate FREEDOM from the F*Tard CARD. Where the other option elicits pity-ish. This one is like do you have a heart? Good to know so I can RUN.

Either way…. both of these options are unacceptable as far as a relationship goes.. The only acceptable human common decency polite thing to do is apologize and give closure. They haven’t. I would like to think that we would have, if roles were reversed. I think maybe that’s the hardest part… 💛

Georgie

Lorelle, what an incredible article you have written. I read it three times, slowly, to let it sink in. What Natasha has created here is so special and I loved reading your words.

I am really struggling at the moment and could do with your kind insight, as you are clearly very perceptive. I went to hell and back with an emotionally unavailable man – he had baggage from all angles but was very intense with me, so many failed promises and circumstantial difficulties that we folded. I thought my heart would never recover but i dove deep into myself afterwards to face all my own pain, insecurities and fears head-on because the level of devastation i felt was truly crippling. I saw a therapist, looked at all my habits and thoughts and patterns, and committed to healing. I know healing is not ‘linear’ per se, but i felt i made great progress and was proud of myself and could take ownership for my own part and behaviour.

Natasha writes a lot about attracting in what we think we deserve and need, and you have also written of that here. It feels so grossly unfair that I met someone this year, after all my hard work and recovery. I thought it was so special and dare i say it, the ‘treat’ i deserved after the hellish experience of my ex. It felt so different, my gut felt completely ‘right’ and it seemed nothing but solid, honest and great. He completely blindsided me at my most confident point and Lorelle, the pain of experiencing this again has been so devastating. He suddenly said he wasn’t ready to get into a relationship again. There was no Fboy behaviour, no warning signs, no red lights.. nothing at all to look back on behaviour-wise. I have found this so very hard and was completely shocked by the change in his heart.

How do I move on when nothing pointed to this, my confidence is in tatters, and i felt like i was doing ‘the work’. If we attract in what we deserve, why did i attract this when i was trying so hard to be my best self and work on me? How did i attract in such a painful experience, again? It’s somehow easier when you can call a spade a spade, right? Bad behaviour, clues, warning signs… when you get none of that, just a sheer blindside ending, it’s so hard to pick yourself up. I know i behaved pretty impeccibly and have stayed firmly planted on a white horse, but it still hurts so much.

How do i heal from this, and not have fear about ‘attracting’ this sort of thing in over and over again?

Georgie xx

Lorelle

Hi Georgie, and thank you so much for writing, it is great to have you here at PMS. You are right, it’s such a special platform Natasha has created for us. I actually wrote you a reply on my iPad, and now it has disappeared, and I hadn’t finished it, so I am going to start the whole thing again. Sorry for the delay! Firstly if Natasha was here writing, she would tell you this: YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. I can say it too, because it is the truth! You. Are. Awesome. You have put so much time and effort into your self, becoming the beautiful woman that you are, and you are so self aware of the lessons you have learned. Amazing commitment to yourself.

In answer to your question, Natasha has written before about how people don’t change, they instead REVEAL themselves over time. I think this is what happened to you, and it is the most cruel way of discovering someone isn’t who you thought they were. This man, was still a mismatch for you. Because he couldn’t step up in the relationship as it was developing. Emotional unavailability sometimes takes a while to rear its ugly head. For a time, these people can be in a relationship and it all looks good. Then as it begins to transition into a more stable, deeper love, they cannot go there. I think this is what has happened to you. He went as far as he could, then it got him into water he couldn’t tread, so he bailed. It is so cruel. When everything looks so good, and it feels good too. Then out of nowhere, gone.

You are so brave and incredibly strong to be able to have coped with it the way you have. It happened to me, and I couldn’t even take a shower. It was hard work. You are left in a deep pain, and it just eats you up and you fill your head with thoughts of doubt, usually about yourself. Georgie, you are right to question why did this happen after everything you did to make sure you were ready. You did not deserve this. I’m going to try and give some perspective here that you might not have seen because its been so painful for you. The old you, before you did the work, would have looked at this man, and recreated the whole previous scenario again, the hot and cold, inconsistent bullsh*t and toxicity would have been the diet you lived off.

Instead, at the first sign of him not being emotionally available, (him saying I’m not ready to get into a relationship) YOU FOLDED, as Natasha says. You got on your white horse and left. No waiting for drama, yes/no/maybe games and the endless mindf*ckery.

You did what he couldn’t do. You spoke with your actions, and you showed him ” I am worth more than this. I will not settle”. If you had chosen to try and work things out, it wouldn’t have worked and it would have caused you endless pain in other ways. But you didn’t choose that. Because you KNEW at the first sign ( his words were a huge red flag) and at the first sign of it waving, you were riding away.

That is why you are so incredible!!!! It takes some of us years to get that far. Not you, warrior girl, you might be crushed inside but you know the Phoenix is going to rise again. xx See, I think the heart struggles far more than our intuition does. And you just went with his words and cut it. Yes it hurts, but you need to see that all the work you did gave you the perspective to decide even thought it was painful, this wasn’t what you wanted. He seemed to be that man, but when he said those words, you were impeccable with your actions. Dignity. Self respect. Self love. Those qualities were all there when you walked.

I really hope this helps you, Georgie. You can trust yourself, because you are in a good place. He wasn’t for you. But OMG, what a class act! You move on now, knowing your boundaries don’t accept things that look good, when they turn out to be something else. You move on, knowing you have standards you won’t compromise. You move on, knowing you are full of self love, because at the first sign of inconsistency, you will not tolerate it.

So, Georgie, you white horse riding warrior, stay strong, be proud of who you are inside, and for refusing to put up with less than you deserve. You are healing at lightening speed. Don’t look back. So proud of you! Love xxx 🦄

AMY

Another insightful post, Lorelle. Loved this one – my favorite part was “SAY it.” So simple! I actually found myself applying this in a small way today but I was proud because I recognized in the moment that in the past I would’ve likely NOT said a thing. It brings me so much joy when I catch myself in moments where Natasha’s or your words come to mind…it’s imperceptible to the outside world but inside I can almost feel a rearranging of my pieces. So thankful for you and all that you share here with us.

Hope you’re well and staying warm in the Australian winter! Sending you lots of love and gratitude x

Amy 💕💌

Lorelle

Amy, Wow! Amazing that you did that! Yes, give yourself a voice, and watch what happens. Never be afraid to be in the moment with yourself, and to speak your own truth. This PMS tribe is full of so much love and insight, and you can’t google the answers that are found here. I just love that everyone here comes together and supports each other, and share their experiences.

I am so smiling about the SAY IT moment you had. It doesn’t matter how small the situation is when you try things out, what counts is the result.

Yay! So happy for you, and Natasha would be too.

I am sick at the moment, been in bed writing replies which has been nicer than blowing my nose. LOL Thank you for asking and love to you too! xx 🦄

Vicki

Lorelle – there are no words to describe what I felt when reading this post. I have been on both sides of this and the pain is the same no matter how it plays out. You and our dear Natasha have such a way of communicating into words what most of us have such a hard time saying or admitting and I cannot tell you how much you both have helped me thru my own pain these past 6 months or so. I am still working on myself and have absolutely no desire right now to be in any relationship and I am okay with that. It’s important for me to continue trying to be the best i can be for ME and finding happiness and peace within before I decide to take any steps towards letting someone into my world again. I will know when I am ready.

As I read so many of the comments from other here in the beautiful tribe my heart fills with tears… I have been thru so many of the same struggles as many of you have and I can completely feel your pain. This site has been a blessing for me and getting me thru the worst time and has given me great hope and strength!!! I know everyone is in different places with their journey on the road to healing and I just wish i could hug all of you and tell you, you are NEVER alone here. We get you… you are loved … and you are valued and respected so much by this tribe!!!

Thank you so much for this post Lorelle. I have nothing but love and respect for you and Natasha…. Keep doing what you are doing. You are helping so many of us. My cup runneth over…. <3

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx #whitehorsewarriors

KP

Vicki

Indeed we are my dear KP. I meant every word I said and this place has become my sanctuary and a place to come whenever I need a reality check. And reading everyone’s comments truly makes me more humble … I won’t forget what brought me here and the great pains I have endured, but I know I am never alone on my journey to healing. I have a great support of bad-asses here to help me up when I fall or just need some kind words of encouragement or strength. Yes, I still struggle some days and sometimes there are tears, but I just let the feelings come and then I let them go (pain contractions as Natasha says). It’s a process and unfortunately there are no short-cuts to getting thru the myriad of waves of emotions, but I longer let them paralyze me into that dark hole anymore. Definitely getting stronger every day…. and I pray for that peace and happiness! 🙂

xxxxxxx

Lorelle

It’s so good to see you here and I’m really happy in my heart that this post resonated with you. The past 6 months for you have been hard I know, but at the same time I think if you look back you’ll see how much you have achieved in the way of personal growth. Our toughest moments are where we are forged like steel, I like to think of it like that. Not in that we become hard, but more resilient and the process makes us stronger. We are changed.

It’s great you can say “I have no desire to be in a relationship right now”… and be so comfy and happy with that. Not everyone can do or say that. I think for some, the prospect of being alone is so scary they just can’t help but find someone else very quickly. The best healthy relationship to be in is always with ourselves first, and then, like you said, we know when we are ready.

I totally agree – coming to PMS and reading what others write, it’s a really humbling and intimate thing. Everyone relating to each other, offering love and support, encouraging each other. It’s truly an amazing space that is so much more than you’d ever expect to find online. Natasha has created the most beautiful thing here. And no matter where we are in the journey, we all have a place to belong.

White horse warriors indeed! Yes, the soft sound of gentle hooves as we all ride on through our lives, learning to be brave, Learning the real meaning of self love and healing from brokenness.

Much love to you sweet Vicki, and big hugs too. Can never have too many hugs xx 🦄💕 you’re a beautiful soul. Remember that. ✨

Vicki

Back at you my dear sister. I am so happy Natasha has handed the reigns to you while she is working on her new site. speaks volumes as to how much she loves, trusts and respects you. I look forward to the next post!! I wish I could fly to Australia and have some tea with you my friend…. much to say.

Thank you for your kindness and support. It means more that you will ever know.

love and light. xxxxxxx

KP

Lorelle! What a beautiful helpful post! You nailed every little detail and I just know it will help so many people! It helped me even tho I couldn’t fully relate…. loved the comments ab what if I’ve been the one emotionally available and he hasn’t!? We talk so much ab the f*tards, so this was a nice reality check and a shift from the norm.

Whenever I read your name here in the comments or guest posts – I think “light”. Lorelle = light. Like a light shining on our most honest thoughts; but also a bright light of hope!

I could comment on every paragraph but your closing was so moving and inspiring….

There will always be another chance in the future where you can love again. No one got away.

Instead, you found yourself…

Ok so I’ve read that 5x and I still get chills and tear up. No one got away! Instead you found yourself! LOVE this perspective. And to all of you who might try again with the one who you self-sabotaged with and lost (best wishes! Come back and tell us!) ….. if he/she doesn’t come back…. it’s OK!! At least you gave it one last shot, armed with the best advice. Good for you, it takes a lot of courage! Life lessons are good for us. AND if that person from the past doesn’t come back consider THIS: you are PRIMED for real authentic love after reading this…. if you take the necessary steps. You are way further ahead than you would have been just siting around thinking of them or stalking them on social media. You are open to LOVE, real love. And….That one person doesn’t have to be your everything. Sometimes when we fully LET GO, everything falls into place.

Lorelle

Oh my goodness, KP, your words are beautiful. There’s so much energy in what you wrote and your message is heartfelt. There really are no failures in life as long as we learn lessons along the way. Letting go is sometimes the hardest thing to do, but life has a habit of unfolding the way it is meant to, and we often try to control things that we can’t influence at all. It’s a waste of precious energy.

Thank you for your kind words, I’m kind of teary at the idea you associate my name with light! That’s one of the most touching compliments I’ve ever had and I’m so grateful for your words, they are a gift! Honestly, that’s truly so beautiful of you to say that. 🙏

I’m so happy you got lots of positives out of this post. You have touched my heart with your reply, KP. Thank you so very much. It means everything. About the part you liked, I really think we find ourselves everyday when we start to look within. The answers are always there, sometimes buried deep under a lot of pain, but they are there. And it always begins with us. Everything. We are so powerful. When we connect with that, we bloom.

Hugs and love, thank you xx 🦄❤️

Melissa

It’s me again Melissa. So.. the story about my ex i told you in my comment above continued. It was my birthday last week and i got a call from him out of the blue. It was the first contact after the break up (2 months ago now). I didn’t anwser it but send him a text an hour later saying: ‘hi i noticed your call but i’m not able to call you back right now. What is it?’ He responded saying: ‘i wanted to wish you a happy birthday and i would like to speak with you’. I said: thanks, what do you want to speak to me about?’ He said: ‘about how you’re doing/feeling etc. since we haven’t spoken since the break up. Anyway: happy birthday and i hope you’re doing wel xxx’. I said: ‘thank you for asking, i’m good. How are you?’ He said: ‘yeah i am fine. I just got the news that i’m moving to a new place in the city so thats good news’. (He now lives in a really bad place, lots of junks, trash etc.) He also added: ‘are you throwing a birthdayparty tonight?’ I responded with: ‘oh wow that’s great! Where are you moving too?’ And added that i was giving a party tomorrow. But now the weird part: he totally stopped responding. He never even opened my last texts until 3 days later. And then just nothing! I dont get it and i feel back at square 1. I responded because we didn’t break up fighting or anything and i wanted to be the bigger person. Also, my responses where kind, short and not too eager. Why the hell did he contact me to just ignoring me all in 1 day? What should i do, send him a text that says i don’t want to be in this kind of contact and for him to leave me alone than? Or do nothing? What is this disappearing act?? Please guide me one last time Lorelle.. thank you xxx

Melissa

Oh i forgot to add: his best friend has had a crush on me since the day he met me. He really wants to go on a date with me but i have always refused since they are best friends.. no go area. He was asking if i wanted to hangout with him sometime and since we do get along well i told him i would want that but only in a friendly way since i’m not ready for anything else right now. So.. he went to ask my ex if he would be okay with the two of us spending some time together. And he said no, he doesn’t approve of that. He said it was still a very sensitive situation for him with me and he also told him he tried to call me and still found it all hard. (This was in the days after he started ignoring me) So he does find it hard but still disappears??? Help 🙁

Lorelle

KP

I really can’t wait to hear what Lorelle says! I keep coming back to this post and the comments! When I read this piece of your story “But now the weird part: he totally stopped responding. He never even opened my last texts until 3 days later. And then just nothing! I dont get it and i feel back at square 1.” I had a visceral reaction. I’m on a rampage ab ghosting and how women respond to it.

We give men way too much credit and second chances when they act like complete @&$”!? Just fill in the blank on that explitive. NO. No no no ab what he just did. You handled it beautifully, I might add. You probably drove him crazy by not answering his call and texting in such a breezy way. 👊🏻

Sometimes we get so caught up in OH EM GEE he reached out that we forget to put weight on his actual WORDS and his lack of reciprocation after the initial contact. This guy is bad bad news. He can’t even follow through with a nostalgic birthday wish! He clearly wanted you to know he’s moving (all ab him) and yes he was thinking of you. But if he truly cared he wouldn’t have dropped off like that. People love to talk ab how busy they are or not respond to let you know in a passive aggressive way they’re JUST SO BUSY. This guy may be busy but I think he’s playing you.

And to address the bff guy…. way to stay classy, girl! This guy (the ghoster) needs to step up or move over. Can’t have it both ways. His response is 🙄. Give it some time to settle and if the ghoster stays gone, go for it! You deserve to be loved, admired and treated with respect. 😘

Lorelle

Yes, ghosting is really the most low life thing. People who choose to do this, have no integrity at all. None. This is the behaviour of emotional cripples. It really requires no contact as a response because the ghosting carousel will continue to spin if you fall for their random messages. I loved your words to Melissa. You’re a wise, kindhearted soul, KP. As you know, actions need to match the words. If not, NEXT…..!

Love xxx

Melissa

You’re completely right. Thank you for reassuring me I responded the right way. I’m always so full of self doubt. Ever since i let this guy into my life i completely lost myself in selfblame, insecurity etc. Actually i shouldn’t even give a damn why he stopped responding, but truly letting go is the hardest part. I do think i made the right move to not text him again saying something like ‘hello’, or ‘you still there’? This way it looks like i didn’t even notice or don’t give a f*ck haha.

Anyway, thank you for your response KP, it really helps to hear somebody else say what i deep down already know. We’re in this together <3

Xx Melissa

Lorelle

About this ex of yours, drop him. He will never change. People like that make contact like that for their own selfish reasons. Ego. Leaving the door open just so they can check if you still have feelings for them. Ego. Boredom. Power. Ego. Whatever! The ghosting element is a big part of who he is and how he operates. He is never going to change. He is never going to change. And he had his chance with you. He is never going to change. Ghosting is gutless, selfish and shows no regard at all for the person who is ghosted. It is not what a loving, caring person does. Remember that. Cut him off. Cut him off. Cut him off. Block him on everything. Phone number included. He is never going to change. I keep repeating that because I know it’s hard to do when you have residual feelings for someone. He will not bring you joy, just the same messed up angst and hurt. Love feels good. This isn’t love. Don’t contact him. Don’t reply. Just drop him. He’s not busy. He’s a f*ckboy.

About his best friend liking you…that could be a bit awkward in a way if it makes it hard for you to cut contact with your ex. I think it was nice of him to approach your ex to ask if it was ok with him for you two to hang out. However, it isn’t really up to your ex to approve of that. He made his choice. He can live with it. No more ghosting, as he is now GONE! If you are all part of the same social group, situations like this can be tricky. You are trying to move on from your ex, only you can decide if this might complicate the whole thing, or whether you can hang out and keep it ‘private’ enough to enjoy each other without your ex being involved in any way. Their friendship might not be as tight as you think, and surely this new guy must know how your ex operates with women, and also what happened between the two of you. I just don’t want you in a situation where there is more drama and fallout with your ex. It was good of this guy to speak to your him, but the ball is no longer in Mr. Ex’s court, it is in yours 🙂 Only you can decide if this is worth pursuing, weigh up how it will affect you. You want more positives than negatives. Heartbreak takes time to heal. KP is right, you deserve to be loved, admired and respected.

Look after yourself first, Melissa. You deserve love and happiness. Love feels good, and it isn’t full of doubts and fears. Sure, there are times that aren’t so smooth in a solid relationship, but consistency, respect and care will always be present. For your birthday present, I wish for you a year full of new experiences and opportunities that bring you happiness and personal growth. Experiences that move you forward, and respect your boundaries in a healthy, loving way, so you can continue to blossom. This is your year, Melissa. Bring it! I hope this helps, much love xxx

Melissa

Thank you once again for responding in such an helpful, honest way. You have a way of putting things into perspective that’s just so spot on! I completely agree with everything you said. Now the only thing i have to do is just follow through. Not that i’m still in contact with him or anything. He doesn’t have a clue what i’m going through since i didn’t contact him at all since the break up (only the response to his texts ofcourse). I also didn’t try to make him jealous or do anything that would get in the way of my healingprocess. It’s more to do with my own (bad) thoughts and insecurity that seem to be taking over from time to time. I will keep reading and commenting here as long as i’m struggling. It helps so much and it feels amazing that we’re an army of strong women fighting for our happiness and helping eachother along the way. Thank you thank you thankyou! <3

Also: i deleted him from Snapchat! Woohooo haha.

Lots of love, Melissa

KP

Yessss way to delete, Melissa! And Lorelle you are SO GOOD at advising from all the angles. I was like yay go for the best friend, not considering all the complications ahhh. The phrase that comes to mind is CLEAN SLATE. Which is what you so eloquently described. And I loved your repetition “He is never going to change.” Melissa thanks for sharing your story, and feel empowered Bc you have empowered me and others!

Lorelle

•

July 24, 2018
at
1:51 AM

Hi again KP,

Yes I agree what you said about Melissa’s story being empowering. Glad you liked the bit about the clean slate. And, he really never is going to change. Maybe his underwear but he won’t. Hahaha thanks so much for your feedback..

Hugs xx 💕

Lorelle

Awesome that you deleted him, Melissa. you go girl! Lots of love back to you. Yes, we are all strong, silent warriors here at PMS. I say silent because we are learning words are nice but it’s our actions that really speak. That’s really how truth is spoken.

Lorelle

Hi Brandon! It’s funny because I just replied to your comment on Natasha’s latest post, and then I found this! Thank you, I’m really glad your head didn’t fall off! Nice to see you here again. Hope you’re going well and enjoying summer…I’m thinking a lot about warmth at the moment because it’s winter here, lol ❄️ ❄️

SDD

Thank you so much Lorelle for your article and your feedback in the comments. I feel like I’m the only one here who stepped into it with an emotional f-tard AGAIN and gave him a 2nd chance, I wanted him to change so I believed his words over his actions, I was determined to move on and focus on myself after a couple years of dating casually with no sign of commitment and he came back in my life calling me at 8:30am in the morning of HIS birthday saying how much he appreciated me on “so many levels” and wanted me to be his girlfriend blah blah blah. I stated we could take it slow, but I wanted to commit to spending one weekend a month together and told him if he couldn’t do this with his 2 kids, I totally understood. He promised me he could and begged me for a chance, he then cut plans short the very first month and when I started to tear up he blamed me for trying to make him choose me over his kids!! He made me feel wretched! I was always SO respectful of his kids as I have one of my own. I sucked it up and told myself kids d come first and I needed to be more understanding. He promised to make it up to me then flaked on re-scheduling our plans and acted like I was bothering him when I tried to do so. So after this second chance of ME investing my time and heart after I clearly stated the disclaimer of my wants and needs giving him the opportunity to meet me half way, and his actions STILL didn’t match his words, it really struck a nerve because I allowed myself to get SO excited for an opportunity and believed that he had changed. Long story short, I lost it on him via text and sent a few paragraphs calling him a “fat liar” (he did gain some weight he told me about, but I rly didn’t notice bc I liked him for who he was) and psychotic for accusing me of making him choose me over his kids at 2 days a month. I wasn’t even willing to meet kids until we had dated comsistently for 6 months! Anyway, I know he’s an emotional reject, but now I keep beating myself up for getting hurt and angered by his rejection. He knew I’d already been through one abusive relationship and I was allowing myself to trust him. Now I feel like it’s my fault we broke up because I got upset for being treated with so much disrespect and I can’t shake this feeling of guilt. I mean I knew I was done with him that’s why I went off, but now he has the satisfaction of saying I was “crazy”. And that’s what kills me. Do you think he’ll know deep down I got upset for valid reasons? Next time I encounter a douche in the field, if I do, I’ll definitely take the high road and walk away that’s for sure, but do you have any insight on how I can stop taking the blame for this failed relationship because I’m a human who felt anger? Huge hugs to you and Natasha. PS So thankful I found this site. Self-Love is the key 100% I just want to forgive myself for allowing him to get the best of me. Lol.

Lorelle

There’s a lot of angst and pan in your story, I’ll tell you straight up: The fact you’re angry for letting him treat you badly is actually a good sign. It means your boundaries are communicating to you! Be kind to yourself, because you realise now it’s nothing but an emotional labyrinth when you reinvolve yourself with him. You are surrounded with self empowerment because you know exactly how the wheel spins with him, no need to place any more bets on him or a future together.

I like the way you identified red flags with him, such as actions not matching words, him not being able to meet you halfway, these are factors that will keep you away from him now.

He will not change. No, he will not. Nada. You are placing a lot of weight on the ways things went down with you both – even though you are worried he will think you’re crazy, don’t. You don’t need his validation or approval ( not worth having any way) and despite it all: he will be back. You’ll hear from him again and the most important thing to remember is to make sure you don’t go down this path with him again.

That will end all your feelings of guilt, anger and pulled heartstrings. Tell yourself it’s over, block him on all levels and if he finds a way to contact you again, don’t fall for the sweet words and wistful emotion of it all.

I know you’re frustrated right now, but take heart, you’re so over the drama and you know you’re worth more. That’s an awesome place to be! Anger can be a good thing. It motivates us to change, to close doors and act differently. It’s an emotion closely in tune to our boundaries. Listen to it.

It does not matter what he thinks. Keep your resolve and move forward. Leave him behind. He will be back, but you won’t be ambushed this time.

So glad you’re here at PMS. Always lots of love and support here. Please remember that what others are saying and doing is their stuff. What you say and do is your stuff. Stay true to yourself. Then people like your ex will not matter because you’ll realise you weren’t happy with them anyway and you’ll recognise your worth.

Hugs back, stay on your white horse xxx 🌟🦄

SDD

Crying tears of joy right now for women like you and Natasha. Thank you so incredibly much for taking the time to write back. Your words healed the last little aching part of me from this f-tard. I have stayed on my white horse and I will never get off her. I allowed anger to initiate action but I can still be a class act because I said my truth once then blocked him and I will NEVER go back. You’re right, I wasn’t happy. I’ve learned the lesson to not let people who are not a match get the satisfaction of making me lose my cool again. That is a superpower! I have a new found joy in the lessons I’ve learned from PMS and the fact that this new and empowered, self loving girl has taking this opportunity to evolve! So thankful for PMS, really, really thankful to find gorgeous, cool women helping other women. I’m inspired to find a painting of a white horse for my bedroom! SO much gratitude and love for you and PMS. Your words have so much power for good and positive change for women in this world and I am just so grateful. ⭐️🌟⚡️💫 All the best to a very bright future!! Xx

Lorelle

Hello SDD, thank you for your lovely words. Made me smile to read them…and I’m so happy for you that you are riding your white horse. You’re in a really good place and life will continue to fill with happiness because you have moved on. That’s truly a class act indeed. Ride on! Xx 😘

Melissa

Okay so.. one last time (hopefully) Melissa here. In my previous comments i explained my relationship with my ex and the last time we had contact on my birthday. I didn’t contact him after he ghosted me. I did have a big bag of his possessions still at my place. Since the breakup i had been waiting till he would say something about it but he never did, even though it was stuff he really wants back (his key, lots of clothes, a watch). He also had some belongings of me still, but nothing important. Only socks and an old shirt, so i dont need it back. So: his mother lives across my street and we would always get along well. Yesterday i decided i was just gonna drop the bag of at hers, so my ex can pick it up there and we dirn’t have to meet up for it. I did that without informing my ex. His mother was really sweet to me, saying she knows what he’s like and that he’s not an easy person to be with. We talked for a bit and then i went home and texted my ex. This was the conversation: Me: hey, i gave the stuff i still had from you to your mom, so you can pick it up there. He: what kind of stuff did you have? Me: clothes, a coat, watch, key. Pretty big bag it was. He: okay, couldn’t we have met instead? Me: Could have, but this just seemed more convenient to me. He: i still have stuff from you too. Me: i believe you don’t have anything i want to have back. He: what are you being so vague about? Me: ? He: when i say i still have stuff from you, it’s safe to assume it’s something you would want back. Me: what is it than? He: i believe i don’t have anything you want to have back. Me: as i can remember that is correct, so let’s just leave it at this.

End of conversation. He was being really shady and just not nice. Copying my own sentence and stuff. Did i make the right choice by deciding to take matters into my own hands and not meet up with him for his stuff? Did i do right by having this conversation with him and responding the way i did? Why did he get all worked up about it? Please help me Lorelle… many thanks and lots of love, Melissa xx

Lorelle

Hi Melissa, I’m sorry for the late reply. Yes, you did the right thing to give the stuff he owned back the way you did.

You wanted to give it back and move on. You probably could have bypassed the text to him as his mother would have told him you had visited. I think the angst you feel when dealing with him will end when you completely cut him off. No need to communicate with him anymore. He can’t control you or your heart and you have made up your mind.

I’d block him completely. Experience has taught many of us here at PMS, that once a fucktard, always a fucktard.

Any contact with him will give you the same result. Nothing will change. Don’t waste your time anymore, Melissa, as that’s all he is doing, wasting your time. Cut. Him. Off.

Xx you got this. X 🦄

Sara

Dear Lorelle, thank you for this beautiful article, it helped me understand so much about myself and my broken relationship. Maybe I can tell you my story and get a little advice on how to take the next steps … I’ve been in a relationship with “the one” and he got away a month ago, after four years. It was the third time he broke up, the last two times we tried again because there was still much love between us and I was able to convince him to try again. Unfortunately, I hadn’t event remotely dealt with me self-sabotaging and my fear of losing him (that grew even stronger because I had the feeling that it was me holding the relationship on a rope). I have to add, that we lived in a long-distance relationship for most of the time and I developed a jealousy and tried to control him in his life “without me”. I stopped living my own live, I lost the connection to myself, I wrapped myself in a constant feeling of negativity and depression. And I couldn’t give my love to him and he felt a lack of respect, valuation, gratitude … Of course! Well, he decided to go his own way and to become the person he wants to be. I want to give him that and I feel that I need it too, for myself, to understand and to grow. We’ve been in no contact since the breakup. Deep down I know that our relationship hasn’t been good for quite a while, maybe three of the four years we had conflicts now and then, in the end I couldn’t deal with the distance anymore and was a real f****tard myself. But there was always closeness and passion, we cared for each other. When he broke up, he said he loved and missed me. And I know that it was me, standing in our way. That I had/have so profound problems within myself that I was not able to be the person, I always wanted to be. You’re right: self-sabotage leads to NOTHING. But the experience made me focus on the right things inside of me. My question is: Do you think it’s worth a try to contact him? I’m definitely not in the place to write to him already, I’m too confused and still insecure. I put him on a pedastal, his Facebook posts have a super power over me. But I also feel so guilty and regret every day what I did and what I let go. He doesn’t know how I feel right now. He might think that I’m totally ok with the breakup, he has now idea that I’m at this place right now and understand that my jealousy was my self sabotage and that I’m feeling remorseful … I’m afraid that he will find someone new (he’s already on tinder, a friend told me …) and moving on and that he’s just really happy to got rid of me … I think that also because he started to hide his social media posts from me only, but we are still connected there … any thoughts? Thank you so much again and have a wonderful week! Sara

Lorelle

I’m sorry for the late response, but I have read your words now and I understand how you are trying to process everything.

Honestly, the feeling of wanting to contact him, if you have something to share with him and you want to let him know where you are at, and your acceptance of your role in the break up, then do it. It will give you peace in that you are sharing your awareness of what happened and I think that is very important to you right now.

If he doesn’t want to talk or meet up, that could complicate things for you, so perhaps write what you want to say. Deliver it that way. Take your time and re read it a day or two later, change or add things as you feel. It’s less about seeing him and more about the message you want him to receive.

I love the way you are being so self reflective – it’s such a powerful place and it is part of self love. I’m sending you love and hugs …and whatever happens next, just breathe, let it unfold and know it is right for you. That’s why we ride white horses. They are strong enough and gentle enough to help us move forward through the difficult times.

Xx 🦄

Hemlan

Hi Lorelle I gave just finished this and I find myself with a huge lump in my throat. I am going through that stage where I have waves the white flag and moved away from the person who has been sabotaging for months. I have tried to give him as much love n support I could…it isn’t that he didn’t try and make an effort to be a better version of himself…he tried. But after some weeks things would be back to how it was – emotional torture, with both of us in pain. I cannot explain his behavior anymore- mixed signals, hot and cold, refusal to talk or explain…till i has had enough and i walked away. He texted right away the same day…but I didn’t reply and knowing him and the huge ego he has, I knew he wouldn’t contact again. Some weeks ago I would panic but today I find myself accepting it and despite hurting like crazy, having the courage to stay away from him and deal with the pain. I dunno if I am wrong in my understanding him. I dunno if I am doing the right thing leaving him like this. I dunno even if my going away is making a difference in his life …my heart says yes he is missing me but I also know he has been reckless with my heart many times and have overlooked my feelings so often. I will lie if I say I don’t want him back. I wish to see him. To see his smile and to tease him when he sulks unnecessarily but I also know going back to him will cost me my emotional health. I hope he realizes what he did, he comes back with the will to make things better for us…but I am not sure he will and I am consoling myself and putting my trust in the better plans of the universe and reading the posts here…I am not alone and it’s reassuring… Reading this post suddenly made me emotional…not weak but for a moment I was tempted to send this to him, may b it can help him to make sense of his behavior but then I didn’t…I don’t want to contact him and send him the wrong message. I know he is hurting but I know deep down that his ego always comes in the way…there has never been one single time when he made the first step to open up. It will always b me coming to him, only then he will open up n tell me how he is feeling. Thank u Lorelle.

Hemlan

Omg! I can’t believe that the moment I posted my comment here, I got a text from him after a week telling me he knew I was hurting coz of him n he apologize for that n he doesn’t know wat to say or how to repair things but he needed to text me. Some weeks back I would just go on with a long text talking n talking n explaining… Today I replied…yes I am hurting but as u always say…I am strong! We are all flawed and I have my shortcomings too. U r forgiven… I dunno if it was correct replying to him but I wanted to n I did. I dunno wat will happen next. I have zero expectations from him n i want to believe that the universe knows wats best for me…so going with the flow…

Lorelle

I am proud of you as I have worn those shoes before and it’s a very hard road to walk when you are dealing with someone who behaves that way. You. ARE. Strong!

The thing is, guys like this say things that makes us feel good when they apologise, but their actions don’t match and we end up hurt in a new way. Again. And again. After awhile, you realise it’s about forgiving yourself for putting up with it and loving yourself enough to walk away.

You are worth so much more than he can give you and your soul knows it. Buy yourself something like a vase and fill it with flowers. Be kind to yourself. 💐 Because he can’t be kind. He had proven that with his inconsistencies and inability to match words with what he does. And you cannot thrive on a diet of crumbs.

You’re focused and you are in touch with your intuition. You have been hurt…but you know it won’t change. Power to you. I’m so glad you wrote here at PMS. I am glad this post helped too and that you’re strong enough to stay true to yourself. White horse warrior girl…. Ride! 🦄

HM

Thank you for this lovely post. I was with my ex for 5 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 20. We both lived with our families for the entirely of our relationship, and ultimately, our family influence was our downfall. We both had narcissistic parents who’s personalities manifested in our behaviors in specific ways, I was extremely insecure and unable to communicate my emotional needs properly and he was overly critical and lacked empathy. Both of us were very codependent, but in different ways. I needed to take care of him, while he needed to “fix” me. At the end, I fled from my narcissistic mother to live in a different state with my father, and eventually my ex joined me in the new state. Both his family and my father pressured us towards marriage before either of us were ready. I felt confined, but I didn’t know why. I thought I was losing attraction to my ex, I started to like other people and want to hang out with friends more than him. He was extremely hurt, and very homesick. We fell apart, and decided mutually it would be best if we broke things off and he moved back.

About a month after the break up, I realized that not only had I self sabotaged, but I also let other people decide the direction of my romantic life. I didn’t know how to listen to myself. I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep. I called him and begged for him back, I admitted my wrongs, I asked for forgiveness. He forgave me, but he didn’t want to rekindle the relationship long distance. But he did want to maintain a friendship.

So now (2 months after BU), we’re talking on and off. I still have hope which I know probably isn’t healthy right now. I can’t move back to his area until next year. I miss him so much, but I know that this is for the best right now. Looking over what I wrote at the beginning, it was clear we had a lot of problems with ourselves in addition to our families that blocked us from having a healthy relationship. I have to grow from what I’ve learned, focus on the relationship with myself, and try to move forward. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Your post gives me a lot of hope for the future. It was exactly what I needed to read. I hope you are well, thank you so so much.

Sheri

How do you over come the death of a man you fell in love with. Everyday it hurts more than i can bare, for him to be taken away all of a sudden How i do not sabotage myself through the heartache. Time has stopped and i cant move forward. Is there a way?

Felicia

My boyfriend recently broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. My mind is reeling, struggling to accept it. I really felt he was good for me, he is all I ever wanted and I feel I deserve. Everything was easy, I never doubted him. But at some points I got triggered, as it reminded me of my ex who I think gave me abandonment issues. But it was my issue to deal with, not him. But now, he says he can’t be my boyfriend, because he is unhappy without me, doesn’t know what he wants or who he is. This is coming out of the blue. I’m upset because we were really good. And then I started to have doubts, like if someone loved me, they’d work this out with my support. He has been very kind about it all, but it’s all me being the one who’s so hurt and upset. He has even told me not to wait for him, as he isn’t anything special. He wants to be my friend to support me but for me, it’s not the same as being my boyfriend. So I have initiated no contact, because I truly do want to be friends but it’s not good for me right now. I intend to find a therapist to talk to soon. I want to wait for him when he’s ready when all my friends and family say no. It’s not that I don’t think I’ll find better, it’s that I found it and I think it’s worth waiting longer. I’ve already been waiting most of life for what I deserve.

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ABOUT NATASHA

PMS, at its core, is about relationships – how to better your romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, and how to better the most significant, exciting and necessary relationship that you will ever have (and that you will never be able to live without) – the one that you have with yourself. Read more →