Restaurant Bonding

I like relationships. I even have some. I like to make friends and its fun to talk to people. When strangers come to know each other and become friends, well that’s pretty amazing stuff.

But it’s not going to happen at my local Outback Steakhouse or the tons of other chains where somebody must have told the wait staff to “bond” with their customers. I’m getting not to like it a lot.

I enjoy good service. I like when people smile at me and are congenial. I know how hard it is to be a server in a restaurant and I hope to make their job as easy as I can. I say please and thank you. I smile. I rarely complain. I try to be a model customer. I think I’ve sent food back twice in my life and I felt terrible about it. But when the server sits down next to me to take my order, that’s just creepy. They’re in my space and the first thing that comes to mind is that I’d rather be someplace else.

When they sit down next to Steve he flinches. Noticeably.

Putting coats on the booth bench next to us doesn’t help. They slide them over! If they are totally blockaded (coats and shopping bags) then they kneel down, eyes level with the table.

Perhaps they think if our heads are at the same level while we order we’re friends. Maybe that equates into a bigger tip? What’s next, maintaining the friendship while the food is delivered? Will they be approaching the table, heavy plates in hand, on their knees?!

Personally I don’t have a problem with looking up to a waiter or waitress, after all they’re standing and I’m sitting. It’s OK. We are NOT on equal footing. All I have to do is tell them what I want and eat it. They’re doing the heavy lifting.

I’m also getting annoyed with that idiotic announcement, “I’ll be taking care of you.” Oh good. Now I don’t have to purchase that expensive long term care insurance; this nice young woman who just met me is going to take care of me. No she’s not. She’s going to be bringing me my food, not every day from here on out, just tonight. That’s probably about it. And, there’s a good chance she’s not going to remember the extra lemon.

I can’t even remember what people used to say before they started announcing that they would be having a long-term relationship with me as they handed out the menus.

And am I the only one bothered by overly friendly restaurant folks? Am I turning into a curmugeon? Is it time to start cooking again? (Say it ain’t so.)

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124 thoughts on “Restaurant Bonding”

No, you’re not. I actually have a few restuarants I won’t go to anymore because of overly friendly waitstaff. I wish restuarant managers would keep in mind that it is an exchange of business not an opportunity to make a new buddy. It just makes the waitstaff look creepy and desperate.

I totally agree! It creeps me out. Where can you find the right combination of friendliness & deference in a waiter?? The other thing that really bugs me about waiters — referring to me and my husband as “you guys”, as in “What can I get you guys tonight?” Hello? Last time I checked I was a woman!!

I enjoyed your blog as usual, and totally agree with you. When the server does that, I want to move over! Of course, there is no where else to go. Sitting down next to you is a big no-no, in my book. Thank you for you comments on this matter.

I’m with you Ami. The other thing that bothers me and also bothered my mother as long as I can remember is when a salesperson calls people “hon” or “dear” or “darling.” I’m none of those to that person if I don’t know them. That makes me cringe and want to get out of the store as quickly as possible.

NO! You’re not the only one bothered by this idiotic idea. I go to be with the people I chose to be with-not the wait staff! I like it when they ask for my order and don’t try to be my friend. I have the friends I want-I also hate when they come pick up the money and ask “Do you need change” When I was waiting tables you took them their change and never asked-I have told the girls at my local restaurants that if they want a tip from me to bring me my change and I’ll decide what I’m leaving. So there’s my take on this.
Have a great day!
Fergie in WA

OH MY GOODNESS!…..I am thankful that I am not the ONLY person who feels this way!…the WORSE thing???…..when they TOUCH you ( or even WORSE….your spouse!!!) I say….”hands off” and do your job “serving” and quit being so personal!…..WHEW!…thanks for leting me vent with you!….creative blessings….Debbie
PS…..The fact that we do not get a chance to have a “date” together as often as we would like, makes this interference even more bothersome.

Thank you for stating my opinions so thoroughly and pointedly. Going out to a “sit down” restaurant is a special occasion for many people. Yet the wait staff feels they invited to become part of the occasion simply because they have been assigned to “care for you”.

Have to agree with you – and I can’t help but see it as a ploy for a bigger tip. Smile, bring me my food while it’s hot, refill my water when it’s empty and take my money when I’m ready to pay – that’s all that’s needed.

I thought I was the only one who was uncomfortable with the close, personal relationship being offered by waiters and waitresses – or is it non-PC to use those names now, too….?

They actually do that? I mean, really? They SIT DOWN next to you?? Eeeewww. No, you’re not the only one, Ami, I just didn’t know they did that sort of thing, since I live abroad. THAT would totally turn me off to the point that I might have to let the manager know about it, and I would definitely have to tell the waiter/waitress to get off my bench and just take my order. You are not a curmudgeon, these are service people not our friends.

On the other hand, I can’t wait to get back to the States to eat out, because at least there, you can get in, get served, and get out! Here, dinner takes a minimum of four hours, when you add up the time to find parking when there is none, walk the mile to the restaurant from the one illegal parking spot you found, get someone to actually take your order, and wait for them to kill and cook whatever it was you ordered and then bring it. Then you get to endure the even longer wait for a check which they won’t come and ask if you’re ready for and will never bring you until you explicitly tell them to, and you have to get their attention first which sometimes takes an act of the Almighty. TBH, I don’t go out much over here, because it’s just too painful, not to mention expensive and who has that kind of time to spend eating dinner?

Ami, I really need to learn that when I get your latest blog page in my in-box I MUST not try to drink anything while I read it! Oh well, perhaps sprayed coffee will catch on as a new type of computer screen cleaner!

Anyways, I can really relate to your feelings about servers. Granted I do not go out to eat all that often anymore, but when I do I am not looking for a new best friend – just a meal I did not have to plan, cook or clean up!

I also think you are a much nicer person than I am since the last time a waitress tried to sit next to me I arched my brow, stared at her and said “Hmmm… your feet must really be hurting for you to so boldly snuggle up to me. Perhaps I should contact the Manager so you can go home and rest?” She jumped to her feet and blushed, and I then told her that while someone may have taught her to do that I found it rude and invasive and she should consider not everyone wanted that much contact with a relative stranger.

Perhaps not the SMARTEST move in hindsight – I wonder just what she might have done to my salad when I wasn’t looking …….

Oh, Ami! You have hit the nail on the head on this one! I do not want a relationship with the wait staff. I’m a pretty social person, so I have a rather “full plate” of relationships in my life already – there’s my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and even my cat. At this point, while I am still open to forming new friendships, I am somewhat selective about how many new relationships into which I can enter and still maintain the ones already formed. The type of waiter/waitress you describe is becoming all to common – my husband and I have come to refer to this new breed of wait staff as “Graduates of the Eddie Haskell School for Restaurant Wait Staff.”

This so similar to what happened to us at “fish” chain a few months ago. Way too friendly waiter. Amazingly, the restaurant closed a few weeks later. Coincidence? Maybe. I know waiting tables is a tough job, but this type of friendship is not needed.

I can’t stand this over friendly behavior either! That’s why I love Israel! They are not polite! they don’t bother you! They don’t start with HI! have you been her before? and dive into a canned speech they have said 100 times that day….sometimes I wish they would smile more or check on me more often and sometimes I have to wait a half hour to get the check…but they respect my space and don’t bother me or interrupt conversations or try at all to be my friend! I wouldn’t trade it for the typical American chain restaurant attitude…

They act like they should…a necessary force that needs to exist in order for the food to get to your table…When I visit the states I’m downright shocked at how annoying American chain waiters can be!

Of course you’re being a curmudgeon. All clear thinking people are, or soon become, such. So, I say EMBRACE your curmudgeonliness–revel in it. You’ve earned it.

Overly friendly food service is annoying. But, you know the harried waitstaff did not conceive of this ploy themselves. It has all the earmarks of “Marketing”. I feel sorry for the waitperson who has to slide into MY booth and be chummy….a daunting task. And all for less than minimum wage and the hope of a tip. It’s annoying enough to make me email Outback and tell them…..hmm. Because it’s going to take way more than that to make me go back to cooking!

Oh, I do agree! Yes, I like good service, but don’t try to carry on this “friendly conversation” with me; we are not friends at this point. I’m probably out for a nice quiet evening with my husband, enjoying HIS conversation. I only want to be interrupted long enough to give my order and return to where I left off.

I have noticed the same thing. I know I was a waitress for a number of years and we never sat down with a customer to take their order and we weren’t in a very large town either. Everyone knew each other and we still weren’t allowed to do that. Just saying they will be my server is quite enogh. I really don’t want a long term relationship with them. Just bring me my meal…do a good job and bring me the check. I”ll do the rest. Thanks for bringing this subjet up.I thought it was only me!!! LOL

I am not at all fond of chain restaurants, there are so many wonderful little local places nearby…but I did have a similar experience recently in Williamsburg, VA, and thought it was just the waiter we happened to have. My husband is very friendly (he’ll always be the Human Resources director he once was!) and didn’t flinch at all when the fellow sat next to him to take our order. BOTH of us flinched, however (and maybe a bit more than that) when our order was delivered out of order and the hot foods were pretty much chilled. No amount of fake intimacy will compensate for poor service. I hope the waiter laughed off the small tip we left as boisterously as he laughed off our insistance on having our entrees warmed. Another good reason to avoid the chains!

I was so glad to see your restaurant “best friend” article!! I totally agree with you! I absolutely will not return to a restaurant where the waitress knees down to take my order. Fortunately, I haven’t had the experience of one sitting in the seat next to me (and hopefully never will). I’m sure that I would leave without ordering anything!!! I love your blog and please give Madison a nice big hug from me.
Betsy

Sheesh Ami. that last snow storm must have pushed you over the edge. The “sitting next to” part is weird. But I say let them take care of me for a minute, a meal, a lifetime, whatever. Glad to hear that you don’t smile 24/7 as suspected. You’re human too!

First if you send food back, it isn’t a reflection on the server, but rather on the kitchen staff.
If they say they’ll be taking care of you, probably the manager has told them to do that. Actually, in regard to that, in looking on line for tennis related gifts for my son, I found a cartoon with a customer seated at a table and the waiter, holding a tennis raquet, says “I’ll be your server tonight” which in that case is very funny. (I sent him a mouse pad with that on it).
The ones that irk me are the people — usually the check-out person in the supermarket , who asks “how are you today?” Do you think she really cares how I am if she’s probably never seen me before and should I tell her how I really am on that particular day?

Oh Ami, tell me it isn’t true. Tell me this is only a one-time thing. I had it happen about 10 years ago here in Wyoming, and I was sure (hopefully) I would never experience it again, but now you have. Creepy is putting it mildly! Maybe that same creepy waiter has moved to Michigan. Maybe only you and I know what this is like. Don’t tell me the big chains are going to encourage this bizaaaaar behavior! Carol in Wyoming where we are having a snow day and everything is closed!

Ami…….Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I thought I was the only one bothered by this practice, which, BTW, has been going on far too long!! My parents were both in the restaurant business for many, many years and I know they would be appalled at a server being anything less than totally PROFESSIONAL!
Your blog should be delivered and posted in EVERY chain (and independents that tell the staff to “bond”) enough is enough, if they want repeat business, just knock it off!

Oh How I agree with you! The only time that worked for us was at a restuarant at University Studios Park in California. And that was what they all did, and sang and danced while taking orders. With kids along it was a lot of fun. We have struck up conversations with the wait staff, but only when there were few people in the place and we found the person interesting.

My big gripe is a few minutes into eating being asked: Is everything tasting wonderful? sometimes it is, sometimes I haven’t had time to figure that out, and most of the time I am chewing my first bite! have my mouth full! and can’t even answer!

Curmugeon? Oh, NO! It’s just that, to start with, the servers — KIDS, in my eyes — think nothing of referring to two 75 plus year old ladies as “you guys”. They seem to think that that breaks the ice and forms a bond. I have a long memory and, for one thing,remember the definition of guys as being gender specific. The reference to the young servers as KIDS is quite deliberate. My memory tells me that KIDS are baby goats. It is my way of getting even with the use of “guys”. If I could afford it,I would only eat where the servers are old enough to know and remember the definitions of these words!
We luv ya. Myrna and Nancy

There was an old restaurant in Boston (Durgan Park) when I lived there 30 years ago. It was well known for having old waitresses (NOT “servers”!) who had worked there forever. They used to pull up a chair and sit while they took your order, but that was quaint and funny. They were even a bit brusque sometimes, but that was their trademark, born of years of schlepping meals. They were taking a load off, being familiar and casual but not trying to act like your new best friend.
I agree with you 100%. Today it’s getting to be annoying when a server tries to “friend” the customer. They’re almost obsequious. What’s wrong with polite, friendly-ish, and just doing the job? In return I will be polite and appreciative, and smile and say please and thank you. And leave a tip.
Ami, send your message to the management at Outback.

Ami,
I feel the same way. The first time this happened to us at a restaurant my DH almost jumped up out of his seat. I’ve been a waitress and a bartender in the past and I would have felt uncomfortable if my boss asked me to sit down with people before taking their order. Not sure if this is a new “modern” way of doing things but I don’t like it. Not that wait staff should be our slave, but there are boundries that I think still need to be followed.

Thank goodness, someone finally said out loud what I’ve been thinking myself, but was ashamed to admit, for fear someone would think I was just an old crab. At one restaurant the server talked to us so much, we felt we had a dinner date with a stranger! We practically ran out of there to the car to get rid of her. I told my husband that I didn’t even remember eating – I was too busy responding to her constant comments and questions.
Really, this has got to stop, and it is happening more frequently.

Good heavens, Ami, NO, NO, a thousand times NO! It is not time to start cooking again! Been there, done that about a million zillion times and I’m over it! Now, don’t get me wrong, I do cook a “good home cooked meal” for the Sims men about twice a week. More than that just isn’t in my repertoire anymore. Between making the Rag Fur Jacket, working on quilting projects, keeping my mixed media journal and going to belly dancing classes there just isn’t room for more time in the kitchen. Besides, perfectly healthy grown men should be able to feed themselves! I mean, didn’t they used to go out and clobber something with a stick and eat it? I already resigned as general manager of the universe. I think the next big resignation is chief cook and bottle washer. I’m trying to wean them off slowly but I think they’re on to me!
As for the waiters whose habits drive you bonkers, either tell them to knock it off or find another place to eat. In these economic times there should be no shortage of restaurants that would be just delighted to have your business!
deb sims
P.S. One of my favorite signs says “Kitchen closed on account of illness–I’m sick of cooking!”

I would NOT like it either! I kinda agree with everything you said and I particularly dislike when the server becomes MY caretaker, MY server, MY anything! Or when they keep interrupting a private dinner with “is everything OK” – “how’s the whatever?” etc. etc.

No, you are NOT the only one! I have found this a bit strange myself but since it was Outback, I chalked it up to an Austrailian thing and just smiled politely until they left. I hadn’t noticed this happening at other places but then we don’t get out much anymore. We moved to a small town in Illiniois that doesn’t have such a thing as a large chair restaurant. But when we did I noticed several things better left alone! How about the people at Joe’s Crab Shacks (an extremely loud place) who dance and sing on top of tables, or those people at some Steak House chains who line dance and since while snaking through an already crowded floor space? I don’t usually go to a restaurant for a floor show or maybe that’s a table show!

I agree that the sitting with you is creepy. When servers tell me their name I always introduce them to everyone at the table which seems to fluster. I figure it’s only fair that we all be on a first name basis!

I often think of commenting on your wonderful blog… This time I have to tell you that I agree with you wholeheartedly! No, let’s not start cooking again. Let’s just forward this to the owners and managers of chain restaurants! Along with lots of our names!

I’m with you. I don’t want to “bond” with those that take my food order or bring me the next size up in those jeans I’m trying to squeeze into. The notion that service with a smile means service with friendship just creeps me out….next they’ll want to cut my meat for me…or tell me to eat all my vegetables. ugh!

I agree with you 100%. May I share one of my pet peeves? I hate it when I’m sitting there eating and someone comes over with a broom and a dust pan to sweep the carpet. This is usually in a fast food place. Have you ever seen the particles in the air as they float through a sunbeam? That stuff is landing on my food!! Once I asked the person to wait until I finished eating and I was promptly told that she had to do it because her boss told her to do it.

Please add to that list of annoying traits from wait people (is that politically correct); no problem. Why does that phrase grate on my nerves. I’m not a porblem. I’m a customer and they are there to serve.

Hey, I don’t care what servers call me or where they sit as long as I don’t have to eat my own cooking on a regular basis. The sitting down beside me thing would warrent a motherly arm around the shoulder and statement like “If you wore better shoes your feet wouldn’t hurt.” I tend to introduce myself by name to my server when they take my order too, but that’s just me thinking they care as much about me as I care about them – or maybe NOT.
I have developed quite a few good substitutes for eating out, and they all go into a crock pot but my favorite thing to make is still a reservation.

I absolutely agree. Dean and I went to dinner Friday night… the waitress kept coming by just to chat. Someone from the kitchen brought us our meal, and before we could even pick up the fork, Super Waitress came over and said, “How does it taste?”
Ummmm… we’ll let you know. We haven’t had a chance to eat yet. Two minutes later, she came back. Then again in another two minutes. Etc.

Yep, that’s an annoying bit of classlessness they’ve taught servers. What really bugs me, though, is when the female servers act flirty with my husband! I know they aren’t flirting with him seriously, but it’s still obnoxious.

Outback Steakhouse has been doing that for years and yes, I don’t care for it either. When I go out to eat with my husband, it is “special time” for the two of us and overly chummy waitstaff takes a bit of that away.

I agree! And, while we’re on this rant, I would prefer to never hear “guys” again!! As in, “Is everything okay for you guys?” “Can I bring you guys anything else?” When did the word “you” become unable to stand alone?!?

I never thought about it, but you’re right— esp at outback they do this. It MUST be in the training.
Other places do it too, and this just happened to us over the weekend. We were having an especially bad couple days and went out to eat with three of our 7 kids. This gal wanted to be my best friend, and I just wanted to relax and not worry about my troubles, and was not in the mood for gay banter with the server!
With us, they invariably want to compliment us on our kids, “oh, you have three boys, isn’t that nice!’ I just say ‘yes, it is’. But my hubby usually wants to clarify that we indeed have more kids than that, they just aren’t with us. STOP! You don’t need to tell her anything! Just agree so she can go away and get our food!

p.s. I like what Holly said (above) about introducing the server to everyone at the table. HAAA! That’s great. Although I really DO want to know the servers name in case I have to flag them down for something— I still think that’s clever. :) :) :)

You are absolutely right — it’s creepy, it’s rude, and it’s annoying. Especially when they continue to stop by the table — while we are in the middle of our own conversation and they just start talking. Please leave us to enjoy the meal — and keep our glasses full.

NO, you’re not a curmudgeon. Just one more reason (other than that we can’t afford it) to NOT go to Outback. There may be a cure for it. Sit at a TABLE not a booth. I find it difficult to slide out of booths, so almost always request a table. Maybe Outbacks don’t have tables??? If that happened to me, I’d probably give the poor wait person (or whatever they are called nowadays) a withering look. You’ve expressed my views well Ami.

I absolutely agree with you, Ami! I hate it when the server sits down with me — that’s why I tend to sit on the outer edge of the bench if I’m in a booth. I can move over later, when the danger is past. ;) I don’t mind a friendly server, but we’re not going to be bosom buddies, so the too-personal stuff is out of line.

Loved reading all the comments! About 26 years ago hubby and I (young newlyweds at the time) were having dinner at a chain Mexican restaurant. I didn’t finish my entree but when the waitress came to our table I asked her what they had on their dessert menu. She folded her arms and said, “This is just like Mom’s. You don’t get dessert until you finish your dinner!” I was so embarrassed and appalled at being treated like a child that I don’t even remember the rest of the meal. I do, however, remember that we left her a 1 penny tip — hope she enjoyed it.

The first time a waiter sat down next to me I thought it a little quirky as in “isn’t he a strange bird?”, but when it happened again I didn’t like it. But worse is when the staff rushes up to the table & asks “Is everything all right here”, then breezes off before you can ask for more water.”

I totally agree with everything you said, Ami.
I also agree with those who mind the frequent interruptions. My pet peeve is being asked if everything is OK when I have just taken a bite of food and cannot respond or we must interrupt the thread of a lively conversation to reply to a “team member” who stands insistently waiting for our evaluation of the food. This happens far too frequently. I appreciate their wanting to know how the meal is received, but once per meal should be sufficient, with the question asked at an appropriate time. I join the ranks of curmudgeonhood.

I totally agree!! I haven’t been to Outback in ages because of this and don’t plan on ever going back. I noticed the last time we went to Applebee’s, they’re starting to do the same thing. They don’t sit down but crouch down so you’re actually looking down at them. Creepy!

I forgot, Another thing that really bothers me is when the check is brought and cash is layed out, the waiter/ess asks “Do you need change”? They will get a better tip from me if they say “I will be right back with your change”. I find Applebee’s is really bad about taking forever coming back with the change or coming by in the first place to finish up the transaction. My gripe.

Poor Ami,
Sounds like you’re getting a little testy. But you are definitely not a curmugeon!
(which I think I spelled incorrectly)
I too am a little put off by that stuff, but we make a point of hardly ever eating
at one of those type chains, with the exception of Carrabas. Since I really think its
cool to call people on that sort of stuff, how about you nicely ask them if that is what
the management asked them to do and then point out that it makes people uncomfortable.
Things don’t change unless the squeaky wheel squeaks!
Love and kisses, (is that too familiar?)

I, too, cannot ABIDE a server squatting and/or sitting at my table. Last time I checked, I was renting the space for the duration of a meal…not so they could sit down!

Another “long ago” skill that seems to have been forgotten is WRITING DOWN MY ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did NOT order MuShu,
“Tiffanye”….I ordered the shrimp! No, I’m NOT the “frosted beer mug”……I asked for COFFEE!

They’re called SERVERS, not DINNER COMPANIONS!
And the whole “Do you need change?” gambit…I reduce my tip by ten percent when they do that. And if they keep the coins and just give me the dollars, I reduce my tip, too.

I have waited tables and I know it’s hard. But a waiter is NOT your “friend”. And the next one that calls me a GUY as in “you guys” is going to get the rough side of my tongue if this menopause attitude of mine persists.

And just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean my husband or companion is paying! Put the check IN THE MIDDLE!

I agree 100%. I don’t want to be their friend. I just want a meal that I don’t have to prepare myself. I have a ‘point system’ It begins with a 20% tip. If the waiter approaches my table and says “how are you guys tonight?” That’s an automatic 5% reduction. Another 5% goes off if they sit at the table. An additional 5% is deducted if they take my money and the check and ask “Did you want change?” The waiter/waitress will always get a 5% tip from me, but if they follow ‘my rules’ they’ll get a 20% tip. Of course if they’re grumpy or slovenly, I will make an amendment to my point system.

I agree totally that the sitting down waiter is in the wrong. Contact the manger of the store first and then on up the line to the president of the company, if you can get their contact information, with a request to cut out this nonsense. If they want their staff to make the tips they need (since they don’t pay them a decent wage to begin with) they will recognize how much this “marketing” behavior puts their valued customers off and hurts their bottom line. A return to professionalism in the service industry is way overdue. It will take a lot of compaints from customers to make it happen.

And another thing….don’t come back and fill my coffee cup or my ice tea glass after I have half of it drank. Do you know how long it took me to get the sugar, cream, and lemon just right? It seems like there are more than just one or two of us having some PMS attacks. Thanks, Ami, for giving us a sounding board.

I agree with all the above comments……..and would like to add another thing that really irks me….false advertising.

I don’t kno if it’s aired in your neck of the country, but we have an Italian franchise that airs their commercial with…..”…when you’re here, you’re family.” The last time I went there I asked the waitress what the manager’s name was and later when she brought the bill I told her to give it to him (using his name) since in my house, I don’t charge my guests and according to thier ads, we’re family! Of course this was said teasingly (sort of) but other than causing my family to study the underside of the table it did give her a moments pause.

I frequent places where the host/hostess is polite, the waitperson introduces him/herself presents the menu and gives us time to make a choice, then after serving us, leaves us alone while observing our progress descretely. (My Mom managed restaurants, having worked her way up, and took pride of presenting good taste in all departments.

This reminds me of one of my college professors (Philosophy) who complained to the class one day that the garbage man had called him by his first name, Milton. Dr. Mayeroff said, “I’m not ‘Milton’ to him!” I don’t think my professor thought he was better than the garbage man, but their relationship was not on a first name basis. I too hate the waiters referring to us as “guys.”

That Outback custom is annoying…but with me its only topped by a local steakhouse chain that before they take your order they ask if they may call you by your first name—-I was speechless the first time this happened, luckily my husband jumped in and said ” not necessary”. I just want them to be polite and bring me my food, I don’t want a new best friend. And yes I do want my change back.

If you are a curmudgeon then so am I!! I like pleasant servers but there ARE boundaries… no squatting so their chin is on my table and definitely no sitting down with the family. They are not my family. My family helps or serves me without benefit of salary or tip. Try that one on these chain executives.

I haven’t had your problem but do wish they would stop by every 5min to ask”is everything Ok?” It can get old especially when you are trying to carry on a conversation.
My biggest peeve is everyone around carrying on a phone conversation whenyou want to talk with who you are with

Right up there along with the chummy servers is another pet peeve — waiting until my mouth is full and then coming by the table to ask if everything is ok. Worse still is asking a question that needs more than a yes or no answer — and I’m sitting there chewing my food unable to answer. Do they teach that in waitress school? Drives me nuts!

Sorry to tell you, Ami, but that was my first thought…cook at home…However, what I do…praise DH’s efforts at the stove, oven, or BBQ. Let him hear you brag to your friends what a great cook he is, and how spoiled/blessed you are. My DH is in there right now warming up last nite’s stuffed bell peppers and Spanish rice. I make a special effort to compliment some part of the dinner he fixes, and thank him for the effort. Then I rub his feet every nite before he goes to bed…Works great for me!

Beyond the eye level contact I can not abide when the wait staff comes to the table and says ” how you guys doing?” I am not a guy. I put myself thru grad school by waiting tables. I would never do the eye level thing or call the people at the table “guys”. Tip percentage goes way way down.

I agree totally and the think I really hate is the “guys” thing. Last time I looked I was still a female.
Now I have a question: Which one of us who doesn’t like the overly friendly wait staff has taken the time to write/call or email the manager or better yet the company president and let him/her know. They must think it’s a good thing or they wouldn’t train their staff to act this way and if we don’t tell them who will?? Just my 2 cents. And Ami, thanks for walking me through this comment maze. I’m sure Madison is more computer literate than I am and worst of all I nevver read the whole screen where it’s telling me how to do something! So TH

I really enjoyed your blog entry today. I was in an Outback Restaurant for the first time a couple months ago. When our server sat down next to a friend of mine, I kind of pulled a funny face – like “Is she joining us for dinner tonight?” I felt very uncomfortable having her sit with us. And then to top it off, she messed up our orders…..Grrrr.

Not only does this drive me crazy, the buddy buddy wait staff policy. The other thing is when they ask if you need change, when you pay your bill. Yes, I need change and ,No you can not have it. I love Alice Spring Chicken, so when we go to outback we sit all the way to the end of the booth, so they can’t sit next to us. The last visit there we saw on the bill the suggested tip printed on the bill. It was broken down to 10%,15%,and 20%, with the amount printed next to it. Yeah right. I will tip what I want to tip and IF I want to tip.

Yes, they do that to us at the Outback all the time, I hate it! And I also hate when they say “you guys”…..I am not a guy! And I don’t look like one either. As for suggested tipping, what!? We always tip more than the “usual” and I get very offended when I see that on a bill.

Well, that’s a first. I’ve never seen a server sit down to take the order. We don’t have the Outback chain here in Vancouver, BC. I’m sure if it’s a marketing thing it’ll show up somewhere.
Years ago while working in a bowling centre, the management decided they wanted us to say ‘how may I serve you?’ when we answered the phone. I just hated saying that and would only do it if one of the bosses was near. One day I answered the way they wanted us to and when the man on the other end made a rude comment I said ‘ I said serve you, not service you.’ My boss was standing behind me and heard it, I never answered the phone like that again.
I do remember telling the boys that were working with me to stop using the ‘guys’ slang when they were speaking to one of the ladies leagues. Everytime they did it I could see the ladies cringing.
Now, I’m a bus driver. Watch your step and have a nice day even said a thousand times in a shift will always sound better than how may I serve you?
Ami, thanks for the heads up. The next time I’m south, I might just to find an Outback and go for the experience.

Wow!!!!! I disagree and I’m obviously the minority in these comments. The good news is that the world is a great big place and the narow minded, puckered butt respondents can all enjoy plenty of fine dining restaurants where the wait-staff/customer relationship is well established and divided. I’ll continue to frequent those places where other humans enjoy connecting with each other and don’t feel another human who tries their best to make a tip generating connection is unwelcome. Thank goodness they never actually touched you. That would be beyond vile.

I think that same person was in the “App….” chain in Seattle on Monday…. telling the people in the booth near ours that she would be “taking care of them”… I nearly spit out my iced tea when I heard her say that.

The only time I had someone kneel down at the table to take/deliver an order was at the Playboy Club back in the last century. And that was fun for the guys but as the lone female in the group, I was not amused. Well, sort of – it was fun to see the guys make fools of themselves over the bunny! Wow, I haven’t thought of that memory for years…. what a hoot that business trip was. But that’s another story.

Ami, I find your complaint perfectly valid. Relationships are formed over time and this trend of thinking the superficial, shallow connecting of contrived congeniality means something is absurd! I don’t think it is narrow minded to want to be allowed to enjoy a meal out with the person you are out with and not have your space invaded. Good service does not require a buddy-buddy relationship with the customer. Good service is paying attention to and writing down the order accurately so the kitchen prepares the food as requested, paying attention to when the order is ready so the food arrives at the table hot, noticing the level of the drinks at the table and asking before refilling drinks to which the customer has or may have added sweetener, cream, and/or lemon. And please do not interrupt conversation. If we need something we would stop the conversation to make a request of you when you come by the table.

As far as the “you guys” comments, I have the opposite complaint. When I’m sewing, knitting, quilting or socializing with a group of women, We are collectively referred to as “ladies” or “women” or (shudder) “gals” without any regard to there being a male human in the gathering.
If I can deal with that for over 25 years (seriously), I think being referred to as “guys” is a very minor complaint. Especially when 80% of quilt shops talk down to men, most knit shops think they know more than men who shop there, and quilt gatherings are impossible to find roommates to split expenses.
So pardon me, but “you guys” have it easy!

I don’t generally like a wait staff person to sit down while taking my order; however, I must confess to having frequented one of our Macaroni Grill restaurants that we’ve become very good friends with a delightful young woman who, when she can, sits down & visits with us – but she’s never done that while taking our order.

Bet all this chummy behavior would stop if someone just reached out to touch the wait staff (i.e. put your arm around them, try to hold their hand, tell them how lonely you are, etc.). Maybe then they would get the picture! I was a waitress in a previous life and my job was to stand at the table and take the food/drink orders. Guess if folks who own restaurants think they should be allowed to humiliate their staff, I won’t frequent the restaurant.

My husband and I go to the same restaurant on Sunday mornings. When we go, I always ask the host/hostess “Hey, did you miss me?” It makes them laugh!!

…and that is just one of my pet peeves. Another is the young people who say “you guys’ I really, really hate that. I don’t care if we are guys or girls, young or old, it is not polite. And that is what will bring me back or keep me away from a restaurant.

Forwarding our combined comments to a selection of chain restaurants is a super idea! I especially the one with the (down) sliding scale for tips.
Maybe we all should adopt THAT!
Myrna in West Palm Beach, FL

Please, Please–pass this on to those in the training business that yes wait staff is there to “take care of your needs” NOT be buddies. The hospitality business is quickly going down hill. Many companies have lost the art of hospitality and it is time to join the world of polite service—-NOT—the world of everyone is a friend to cozy up with!!!!!

It’s not a simple question for me. I _HATE_ it when the restaurant tells their staff to do it. They do get in your space it is obviously forced. However I have once insisted that a waitress sit down in our booth for 5 min. She had been working a double shift, in a double area (a lot of staff were ill) and another table had just been really horrible to her, she looked ready to drop. She needed to sit and calm down so we cornered her. I nipped off and told her manager what we had done and why (she knew us and understood she just hadn’t spotted the problem). So in that case we were very happy to have her there and she was a really nice and interesting person. So it depends, sometimes it’s OK, and actually we often got the manager to pull up a chair while she took our order, again just to make her pause a second. Maybe the staff need to be decent first then everyone would invite them to sit?

Are you guys (ha) kidding me? If there’s a cute waiter at a very nice restaurant that wants to sit next to me I’m all for it! But NOT at someplace like Outback or Applebee’s. Yuck. Sorry about the snow. It’s beautiful here in Tucson!

I agree…eeeuuuwwww! I HATE when they do that! The worst, however, that I’ve ever encountered was when an overly friendly waitress breezily plopped herself down next to our pre-adolescent son, picked up HIS fork, stirred his food around, and chidingly commented about how she was SURE he could eat more if he really tried. We were so flabbergasted we were left open-mouthed speechless, looking at each other. What she didn’t realize (among a host of other things) was that he was a fairly accomplished cook for his age, and he didn’t like the dish. Even so, what an invasive breach of social etiquette! Next time we went back, we asked to be seated NOT in her section. That raised a few eyebrows…

Are we sure those 6 “yes” votes are not people agreeing with the sentiment expressed by Ami?
Also, I think the “no” category is insufficient to describe my aversion to the “friendly” practice. How about “not in life, so long as I’m paying you”?

Probably too late for anyone to read this but I’ll send it anyway. I haven’t had anyone try to sit next to me to take my order. It would be impossible anyway as my husband insists on a booth and with four of us, those narrow booths are quite cozy as it is.

I do appreciate waitstaff kneeling at table level, we have fewer mistakes that way and it is easier to hear their Q/A above the surrounding din. I never thought of it as “being at my level”.

Otherwise I agree, good service is the key, good fellowship is out of order at a restaurant, try church instead.

Just Monday we were in Applebee’s for lunch, and the waitress squatted down beside our table and told us she would “take care of” us!! So, when I had an opportunity to take part in a survey (on the receipt there was a web site listed), in the comments part, I told them pretty much what you said–that maybe we should cancel our long-term care insurance!! Thanks for the idea–and the giggle, Ami!

Worse than that, I am disgusted by waiters & waitresses asking “Would you like your change?” when taking payment. YES I would, thank you – I’ll decide how much tip to put down. The first time this happened, the bill was something like $21 & my husband handed over two 20s & the kid said, “Would you like your change?” WHATTTTT????

We don’t eat at Outback cause we can’t stand the noise level, and are so tired of that industrial look so popular in restaraunts. When did heating ducts become a decor item. And I do hate that overly friendly service, especially hon and dear.
I work in a doctors office and hear folks say it on the phone to patients, I could scream, these folks are usually seniors, have some respect! Course these gals I work with probably don’t respect their own parents.

My son works for Outback and his comment is as follows: I don’t sit and people who do and get caught get chewed out for awhile. Fun to watch but not fun to experience. Interesting that your Outback seems to have different rules.

I think this subject is so silly. I had a lot written here, but it’s going to make too many people upset to post it. I think most of you are being ridiculous. Really? You’re THAT upset that a waiter said they were going to “take care of” you? That’s you’re biggest problem today? The waitress sat next to you and you’re totally horrified? Flinching away from them? You never know how your actions are going to affect someone, so think twice before you flinch away from anyone.

Just one of my musings that apparently hit a nerve. I asked for opinions; I got them. I don’t think anyone who commented feels this was their biggest problem of the day. Might have been a nice diversion to vent, however. As for the flinching, trust me, that is involuntary.~~ Ami

I also hate it when wait staff validates my selection. I don’t need to hear that I made a good choice, or that my selection is the wait person’s favorite. I dont need for a wait person to pass judgement on me. I do just fine on my own, thank you.