Wednesday, April 22, 2015

My Favorite Dry Hair Treatment Is Cheap As Hell

I recently bought a semi-expensive-ass hair mask/treatment/thing (don't worry, I'll tell you all about it if it's magical), but I don't even know why the f I'm playing with my own money. My favorite hair treatment costs a few dollars. Also, you can eat it.

Don't start sending me cases of those "crazy pills" you can buy from Spencer's yet, I'm not scooping out handfuls of Herbal Essence and ramming it into my pie hole, or anything. But while you're at the mall, make sure you pop a couple bottles of Sun Ripened Raspberry body spray from Bath and Body Works for old time's sake. Pour out a little for your homie Teddy Ruxspin, and shit. Maybe even for cassette tapes, while you're at it.

Just get whatever-the-hell olive oil you feel like using or have on hand. You don't have to use my bougie-ass organic stuff, it just has to be made from squished-up olives.

Then, if you have long hair, make a ponytail with your ol' thirsty hair at the crown of your head. I do this to avoid getting oil on my scalp, and making the oily mess of my roots even worse. This way you can target the dry ends of your mop really easily, and it saves a ton of time. (LAZIES 4LYFE.)

Next, start applying the oil. I start with a half-handful-ish amount and go from there. How much you'll need depends on the length/texture/whatever, you've been through this shit, of your hair. Use the amount that gets it nice and saturated and feels appropriate. You know how you do.

After you've reached the level of oiliness that you feel comfortable with, put your hair in a bun and let it marinate like a sexy chicken breast. (Do you marinate stuff in olive oil? How am I an adult?)

I let it do it's damn thing for at least 30 minutes. If you want, you can go longer, you can put it in a shower cap, you can add heat to help it penetrate (heh). Put it in a Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet for all I care, just let it sit for at least 30 minutes to work its magic.

After at least one Judy Judge episode, finish by shampooing and conditioning like you would on a regular day. You don't have to skip conditioner or your normal styling shit, you do your thing.

Here are the ultimate results:

Listen, this is as glossy and hydrated as my sad-sack, abused strands get. I have insanely hard water and have bleached/dyed my hair to hell and back, so this is the equivalent of a Rapunzel wig sprouting out of my head.

Not to mention, you probably already have olive oil in your kitchen. You really should, so you can make yourself a celebratory Caprese salad, or some shit, afterward.