Duelling with swords to be banned once again

The government is being forced to rethink its policy of making duelling with swords legal in the UK. Introduced last July, the expanded duellists’ code was said to reflect the demands of upholding honour and respect in a vibrant, modern society where it is often considered necessary to ‘defend one’s hood’ and on occasion ‘twat someone who’s been staring out your be-yatch’.

Initially welcomed for perceived key health benefits, ‘as duellists are participating in the kind of high-impact aerobic exercise that helps combat obesity in young people,’ the government was surprised by side-effects of the policy, including a ten-fold rise in knife crime in just thirteen months, and rumours that rival gangs have recently been spotted jousting each other on Hackney Marshes using stolen and re-sprayed polo ponies.