What to do?

For a little background, I have generally always gotten along with my future inlaws, however FMIL has always been a little, difficult. Generally she is very short tempered and brutally honest which sometimes can rub people up the wrong way. Being a little sensitive in nature this has often meant she has offended me at various points but usually I just get over it and we go back to ‘normal’ i.e. family meals every couple of months, chats via text etc. Last week we had a bit of a ‘disagreement’ which has now exploded into something pretty major, and now she has vowed to ‘disown’ her son and very maturly blocked us off every social media site and on her phone. I think she is acting unfairly and immaturly but not sure what to do, if I even do anything at all.

I will try to explain the situation, FI’s brithday is on Friday and so about 3 weeks ago when I asked him what he wanted he said the only thing really is a new wallet, and he had his eye on a Vivienne Westwood one which was way to expensive for me on my own so I asked his mum and sister if they wanted to split the cost. They agreed and were delghted as they had no idea what to get him, roll on 3 weeks after I purchased the wallet and they still had not offered the money they had agreed to pay, I tried to approach the subject as best I could first letting them know the wallet had arrived and how lovely it was etc to prompt them to think ah yes I need to get the money over soon, then after nothing I asked as politly as possible when they would be able to get the money to me as money was a little tight having had covered the full cost already. I got ignored for almost another full week until his mum told me she no longer wanted to go in on the wallet and it was too much money for her, it was low on her priority list etc etc. I was understanding however I was annoyed and I did ask her why she hadn’t told me it was too much at the time, then I would either have seen if anyone else wanted to go in on the gift or I would have decided to return it as we have the wedding to pay for in a few weeks and I really couldn’t cover the extra (FSIL couldn’t afford any more than what was originally agreed).

After this she fired me back a really awful message saying I was a rude b***h and I should look at my lifestyle if I was having money trouble (I don’t, we are saving every last penny for the wedding and I have only spent on wedding items such as my dress, grocieries and fuel for months) and just ranted on at how this wasn’t a priority for her and just get rid of the wallet. I was shocked she reacted in such a way as I had tried to be as polite as I could throughout. FSIL put her foot in it and told FI that me and his mum had a little ‘thing’ and so asked me about it, after a while of me telling him it didn’t matter and move on he kept going and asked to see the messages, which eventually I did because he woudn’t leave it. He got so angry and despite my asking him not to he messaged his mum, it wasn’t aweful, but not great either, really just saying how dare you speak to my soon to be wife in that way and that he would never dream of treating her partner the way she treats me. Before you know it, she sends me a message right away saying I was a stupid little girl, I was disgusting, stay away from her etc etc this all happened so quickly I really didn’t know how to react, I tried calling her but she wouldn’t pick up, I left it a while and tried again then she kept messaging me ‘stupid’ and I was furious, I told her not to ever send me messages like this again and she was old enough to know better, also that if my mother acted in this way I’d be utterly ashamed. Then again get ‘whatever, stupid’ back. This women is 52 years old, wtf?

I don’t claim to be perfect by any means, and the situation could have perhaps been dealt with better by me, however I don’t think I did anything to warrent this reaction from her, she has now said she wants FI to stay away from her and has blocked both of us from her phone and social media…he knows what his mum is like and so is faily calm about what she has done and isn’t too worried, also told me just don’t worry about her. I feel terrible, it’s not the first time she has been like this with both him and his sister (nothing to do with me) but I would be devestated if this was my mother, and I hate the thought that we have all fallen out so close to the wedding…not sure if just to leave it or try and find a way to make peace…

UKbee: Although I don’t think you made the best choice in your responses to her, initially you didn’t do anything wrong. They agreed to share in the purchase of the gift and you were diplomatic when you raised the subject of payment .

Your FI did the right thing by standing up for you. I would take your cue from him. He doesn’t seem too worried. She may need time and space to calm down.

You really can’t compare her to your mother, your mother’s behavior or your expectations of your mother. That will never work.

I agree with julies1949 It’s great that your FI stood up for you. I would wait it out. What’s done is done and at this point, badgering her to make things right would likely only make the situation worse. Leave it alone and if/when she’s ready to be an adult, I would look to FI as to how to proceed.

I think at this point the best thing you can do is take some deep breaths and pretend she doesn’t exist for a little while. Don’t contact her, don’t waste your time and energy worrying about what she’s thinking, don’t try to talk her around to your point of view, don’t apologize, don’t do anything. Just live your life, focus on your relationship with your FI (who sounds like a sensible guy, and a good partner for standing up for you the way he did even if it probably didn’t help the situation.) This isn’t your fault. I mean, maybe you weren’t 100% perfect, but no one is, and nothing you did warrants her extreme overreaction. In time, she may regret how she acted and contact you or FI, but until then I don’t think there’s any benefit or point in trying to repair things.

I am just cerious, how much money are we talking about? I think she acted immaturely, but I undrestand your concern over a falling out close to the wedding. Maybe give it 2-3 weeks for things to settle and you and FI can try again? She is your FI mom so it’s not like you can throw her out, you all probably just need some time to cool off.

HuysuzAyi33: the walled was £109 it was £35 each. It isn’t insignificant if your hard up that month, but it’s not a massive amount either. Funny thing is, she spends about £30 a week on wine and got from put with her friends, so the fact it wasn’t a priority either seems ludicrous to me…it’s her son!

julies1949: I know I’d didn’t reach great afterwards, but I was so done with her crap and so upset at her (also away for the weekend for a hen weekend trying not to get upset) so snapped in the frustration :/ also, I shouldn’t compare her to my mother either, again I was just so angry and upset I just said it without thinking I guess, after your FMIL calls you a stupid girl and a pathetic bitch and says she will disown her own son and FI, you kinda get a bit irrational lol

Jijitattoo: thanks! I’m trying not to think about it, I’m more thinking about how FI is feeling, but he seems to be ok! To be honest I’m still so mad at her that I am not sure I could be around her! It’s great that FI stood by my side when he knew I hadn’t done anything completely out of order! As you said, no one is perfect, sometimes you get pushed to things! 🙂

Considering your FI isn’t worried about it nor is this the first time she’s acted like this I would say just leave it. I think bringing it up or trying to make peace would just make things worse, no matter your good intentions. It’s hard to deal with people like this, and I know if I was in your shoes I’d be going crazy! I can’t stand unresolved issues, but in this situation it seems to be best.

I would give her want she wants- no contact! If she doesn’t come back with her tail between her legs before the wedding that’s her problem and boy will she regret it. I would wait pateintly and from afar for an apology- you are owed one.

Wow, she is a piece of work. I would let the dust settle, don’t have any contact for awhile- months even. Let her apologize to you first. She was way out of line and took this to another level! I see your wedding date days November (correct me if I am wrong) but I would def. hold out as lon as possible with contact. I would stick to a “unless it’s an apology from you I have nothing further to discuss” policy.

She really is a piece of work, even FI’s dad (FFIL & FMIL split when FI was about 8yrs old) has said oh not this again, she’s always been like this forget here and leave her to it. So I know she is in the wrong etc but i just hate having this hanging over us and that it might deep down really be hurting FI – it started over something so so silly. She sent a message to FI a few day’s after saying that I am pushing her away and that’s what I’ve always wanted and now I have it. Jeez – I am the one who always encouraged going over for dinner or inviting her over, or FI contacting her more etc, I have actually been doing the opposite! Sigh :0

UKbee: This sucks, but it’s soooo not your fault. And it’s on her now to apologize. Keep your chin up, girl! Sounds like this was bound to happen sooner or later. At least now you know to protect yourself, even if she does come around.