Should my Partner and I get Tested Before we Have Sex?

Should my partner and I get tested before we have sex? How can I bring it up to her? I don't want her to think I'm judging her.

Sincerely,

Get Tested?

Dear Get Tested,

I am a firm advocate of getting tested regularly, but especially in a new relationship. In fact, I schedule time to have that conversation and request that we both get tested. That way nobody is being judgey, shamey, or feeling blamed by the other - both or all parties are on the same page. Personally, my partner and I discuss when we will get tested and whether or not we will engage in sexual activity while we wait for the results. And if we choose to engage in sexual activity while we wait, we discuss the use of contraceptives. You can learn A LOT about a person and their boundaries by having this kind of conversation.

That is how I prefer to approach the subject, but what I’m going to tell you is universal for everyone:

1. Educate yourself on STIs and remove any and all stigmas or beliefs you have been told over the years.

2. Learn what your deal-breakers are (boundaries) and learn to self-advocate for your sexual health.

So, to recap: Tell your partner(s) that you want to talk about getting tested for STIs and schedule a time for it. If they try to discuss it right then, politely ask them to wait to for the agreed upon day/time when you are together to discuss everything - this will give everyone time to think about any questions/concerns they may have. If you need to, write down reminders in a notebook or on your phone so you don’t forget anything. Go into the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen. Check your ego at the door. If your partner responds with anger or any other negative emotion, you have 2 choices:

1. Ask them why they are angry

2. Get up and walk away

Never compromise your health for sex, nobody is going to look after your sexual health for you. It is your responsibility and yours alone. If your partner absolutely refuses to have this conversation; walk away. Go find a new partner and keep having the conversation. It will get easier and you will learn who is deserving of having you in their life.

Learning to embrace your sexuality is a pretty crucial component of living a healthy sexual life. It’s kind of what Harlot is all about. The good news is: you don’t need a partner to embrace and experiment with your sexuality. I’m here to make a case for masturbation—trust me; it’s got a lot of benefits.

There’s been a lot of buzz around the topic of consent recently. More and more people are talking about the importance of affirmative consent, but many are still having a difficult time understanding this concept. In fact, in the wake of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, some men are claiming that they are now afraid to associate with women in public or the workplace, for fear that they might of being accused of sexual harassment or assault.

The decision to have sex (vaginal intercourse) with your partner is a big one. Not only is it important to understand the risks of pregnancy and STIs, it is just as important to understand the emotional risks that come with having sex.