8.Just because all the other kids are doing it doesn't make it right...(for you, the very people who caused the need for a bailout, to take millions of dollars in bounuses paid for with taxpayers' money).

March 31, 2008

1) "Honey, did you take the kids with you to work this morning? Oh, never mind, here they are."

2) "Me again, I know you said "no" to that Coach purse, but the gal at the purse counter at Nordstrom wants to talk to you about it. I'll leave my phone with her. Give her a jingle when you can. I also gave her your cell number and your email. Hope it's okay. Her name is Jen. She is like, such a sweetheart and..."

3) "Hey babe, my husband is going to San Francisco tomorrow and...wait...what number did I call?"...click

4) "Yeah, hi, call me back. I want to tell you something horrible I heard about your stinkn', liar of a boss. Um, I'm not on speaker am I?"

5) "Hi, it's me. **stammer**You know your 1967 Mustang that you loved...I mean love...**deep sigh**...loved? Call me back when you aren't with people who are offended by cursing."

January 31, 2008

I can tell how many people come to my site in a day and if they have done a Google search, what they typed in to bring them to my blog. Google pulls in common words that appears in both the search and a website.

Here are some of the strangest Google seaches so far:

1) "Amateur shoppers"

2) "Good things about turning 40 include 80's music and big hair"

3) "Snail Jokes" (by far the one that brings the most people to my site: see mine here. )

4) "Wayne Thiebaud's wives"

5) "World's fastest parallel parker"

6) "Meaning of dream forgotten clothes in dryer"

7) "Days of an outside girl that loves animals, even chickens"

Number 7 is, for obvious reasons, my favorite. I am truly proud that someone typed in that and it brought them to me.

Number 6, as far as I can tell, this Google-searcher never got the answer. So, I will make this one up for her: "You're afraid you really stink at being a housewife and are terrified the gals from MOPs are going to find out."

Number 5 I think would be an excellent name of a band or novel. (Or even as an epitaph!)

Just to be fair, the most bizarre Google search I have ever attempted is: "How many calories does a panic attack burn?" Sadly, there were no results (but, my guess is about 200). But, since I have now posed the quesiton here, if anyone ever does ask Google this question, it will bring them to my site. (Yippee!) I will of course, let you know if this happens.

November 26, 2007

Five Snail Jokes(these are from my private reserve. Must be told in this order)

1) A farmer hears a knock at his door late one winter's night. He opens his door, looks around and looks down and there, at his doorstep, is a snail. The snail says, "Can I come in, I'm really coooooold?" The Farmer says, "No, get outta here you stupid snail," and kicks him across the garden. Spring comes, then summer then fall and before you know it, it's winter again. The farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, looks around and looks down and there on his doorstep is that snail, who says, "What did you do that for?"

2.) A snail walks into a bank to make a deposit. Then a turtle comes in and robs the bank. Afterward, the police are interviewing the snail and asks him to recount what had happened. The snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

3.) A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car. The sales person asks, "What are you looking for in a car?" The snail says, "I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge "S" on each door." The salesman says, "That's a weird request, why?" The snail says, "Because when I drive through town I want people to say, "Look at that S-Car-Go."

4) What does a snail say when he's riding on a turtle's back? .... Weeeeeeee

This is my six-year old daughter's joke she made up today

5.) I take my new friend snail home with me and I get to the front of my house and he say, "That is a big house. I wouldn't want to carry that on my back."

November 25, 2007

List for girls who Grew up in the 70'sI would like to add to this list:
-You and your cousin (or sister) did "shows" for your family. These were dance routines to "Billy Don't Be A Hero" or "Silly Love Songs." You remember..."I (point with both thumbs at your chest) Love (wrists crossed against chest) You (arm out-stretched, finger pointing at bored, squirming family)."
-"The Shining" was the first scary movie you ever saw (and my last).
-You used to be "Ditto Monitor" at school.
-You would NEVER eat "Pop Rock" and drink Coke at the same time for fear your head would explode.
- You had a satin jacket with matching satin shorts and hat.
-Your Mom; colored her hair in the sink, bought her dishes at the grocery store and watched Lawrence Welk every week.
-You blew your entire back-to-school clothing allowance on one pair of Chemin De Fer Jeans.

You had a pair of these Roller Skates. With the pom poms...
and you got back together with your seventh-grade boyfriend when it was girls-ask-boys to skate, and they played "Reunited" by Peaches & Herb.
You had a cool older brother. My brother Rob had a 1972 pea-green Plymouth Duster. This is the only picture I have of him with it. Those 110 cameras took THE worst pictures.
I guarantee that is a Sex Wax T-shirt tied around his waist and this is the eight track that was in his player.

(ELO, Telephone Line. Still a great song. It is also my default ringtone on my iPhone "Hello. How Are You? Have you been alright...")

You remember these commercials: The Tootsie Pop Owl and this Coke one used to mesmerize young me.

November 05, 2007

Five uses for those annoying magazine inserts that, no matter how thoroughly you think you have removed them, always seem to fall into your bath while reading.

-Use as coasters for guests you have absolutely no interest in impressing

-Picking up dead flies in the window sill

-Gather up hundreds (not hard to do) and send them to the Editor of your favorite magazine in protest, hoping they will send you free product as a good will gesture
(will not work if your favorite magazine is Foreign Affairs or the like. Sorry Larry)

September 21, 2007

1. Pregnancy portraits. Half-naked pregnant women, cradling their exposed round tummy, whilst looking down at it adoringly. Double the creep factor if the husband is in the portrait too. Triple the factor is they display it in a prominent place their home for any innocent visitor to happen upon.

2. New Age Music.

3. Red Velvet. This stems from an incident at my grandma's house when I was little. As I remember it, her house was all dusty red velvet, milk glass (in and of itself okay by me), and contact paper.

4. Chalk. I can't even touch it. Just thinking about it now, makes my palms sweat.

5. Old Victorian shoes. This is the kind of creepy thing you would never know about unless you and two of your friends get a Eurorail pass for the summer and visit a very old castle in France. Then, as you walked through the castle the dust particles were illuminated by the summer light coming in through the fringed heavy curtains. It is very hot.

Then you approached a little plexiglass box with small white satin shoes displayed on red velvet (see #3!) inside. The tour person begins to explain that the women wore their shoes very small back then. He proceeded to tell you about their undergarments, wigs and makeup.

You start to get a little woozy, then the make up talk starts again. You begin to picture this unfortunate girl all bound-up, with thick, very thick, smelly white powder caked on her unexfoliated face. Then another look at those cursed shoes and that was it. You faint. You guess that what happened.... lights go out, knees get weak.