Monday, January 28, 2008

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's Gilbert Gottfried!

A talent agent is sitting in his office, and this family walks in. Man, woman, two kids and a little dog. The talent agent says, "Let's see what kind of an act do you do."

So the family gets completely undressed. The man starts fucking his wife. The daughter starts jerking off the son, who is fisting his mother while she's riding her husband, who in turn starts fingering the dog's asshole.

Then the father gets up and starts jerking off the son. Then the mother lies down and the daughter starts pissing on her mother's face. The dog shits on the the mother. Then the father starts jerking off onto his daughter's face, who then starts fistfucking the dog. The dog's O-ring blows wide open, blood AND SHIT SPLATTER EVERYWHERE, and NOW EVERYONE IS FUCKING AND SUCKING in this puddle of BLOOD and SHIT and PISS and CUM. Do you want me to start it from the beginning?

Then suddenly, the daughter pulls out a pocket knife and STABS HER FATHER IN THE LEG. But as she stabbed him, the man was sucking off the boy, and as the man clenches in pain, he BITES OFF HIS SON'S COCK in what can best be described as a fit of agony. BLOOD SQUIRTS EVERYWHERE. In fact, SO MUCH BLOOD is coming out of the boy's penis so fast THAT THE PENIS IS BEING PROPELLED THROUGH THE AIR BY THE SPRAY OF BLOOD LIKE A LITTLE RED BOTTLE ROCKET, as so often happens under these circumstances.

THEN THE DAUGHTER pulls a WIRE COAT HANGER OUT OF THE SUPPLY CLOSET and starts untangling it, while the newly-castrated son is rubbing PEANUT BUTTER INTO THE DAUGHTER'S ASSHOLE, which the DOG IS LICKING OUT FASTER THAN THE BOY CAN SMEAR IT IN. It's sort of an ass-Spackle, you see.

And DURING ALL OF THIS, THE WIFE RAMS AN UMBRELLA UP HER HUSBAND'S ASS, AND TRIES TO OPEN IT. BUT THEN THE DOG GETS DIARRHEA FROM EATING SO MUCH PEANUT BUTTER THAT HE SHITS RUNNY DIARRHEA IN THE CORNER OF THE OFFICE, RIGHT ON TOP OF WHERE THE BOY'S ONCE-AIRBORNE COCK HAS NOW COME TO REST. THE MAN THEN GETS A SUDDEN BURST OF INSPIRATION, as artistic people are often prone to do, WALKS TO THE CORNER, YANKS THE UMBRELLA OUT OF HIS ASS, AND STARTS PISSING ON HIS FAMILY, using a distinct left-to-right motion, you know, like one of those sprinklers. BUT THEN DISLODGING THE UMBRELLA CAUSES ALL THIS SHIT TO CASCADE DOWN HIS LEGS ONTO THE DOG'S SHIT, ONTO THE YOUNG BOY'S BLOODY SEVERED COCK.

Now pay attention here, because this is where things start to get a little out of hand. THE YOUNG GIRL FINALLY GETS THE COAT HANGER UNTANGLED, AND THEN JAMS THE HOOK END OF THE HANGER RIGHT UP HER CUNT, AND STARTS PUMPING HERSELF FURIOUSLY with the coat hanger. THE WOMAN TRIES SUCKING THE BOY OFF, BUT IS REMINDED BY THE SPRAYS OF BLOOD FROM HIS SCROTUM TO HER FACE...THAT HIS COCK LAY LIFELESS IN THE CORNER UNDER A PILE OF SHIT AND BLOOD AND PISS. SHE'S THINKING ALL OF THIS...WHILE FINGERING HER OWN ASSHOLE.

SO INSTEAD OF SORTING THROUGH THE MESS, because really, who has that kind of time, THE WOMAN STARTS SHOVELING HANDFULS OF SHIT IN HER MOUTH UNTIL SHE FEELS THE STIFF BLOODY DONG BRUSHING THE BACK OF HER THROAT, AMIDST ALL THE BLOOD AND SHIT AND PISS AND SWEAT--OH, THE SWEAT--INTO HER MOUTH.

THE YOUNG GIRL FINALLY YANKS THE COAT HANGER OUT OF HER PUSSY, AND LO AND BEHOLD AT THE END OF THE WIRE HOOK IS DANGLING A SIX-MONTH-OLD FETUS. THE DAUGHTER GRABS THE FETUS BY THE UMBILICAL CORD AND STARTS SWINGING THE FETUS IN A CIRCULAR MOTION OVER HER HEAD LIKE A BOLO WHIP. AND IT'S MAKING A WHOOSH-WHOOSH SOUND. Whoosh-whoosh and so forth.

THE WOMAN PULLS THE BOY'S DICK OUT OF HER MOUTH AND STARTS FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ASS WITH THE SEVERED COCK. THE MAN STARTS EATING OUT THE DAUGHTER'S ASS, AND IS DELIGHTED WHEN HE REALIZES HE CAN STILL TASTE THE PEANUT BUTTER, ONLY THIS TIME, IT'S EXTRA CRUNCHY.

MEANWHILE THE BOY HAS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE BLOOD AND SHIT AND PISS AND CUM AND IS HASTILY REACHING FOR INTRAVENOUS FLUIDS, UNTIL THE DAUGHTER SWINGS THE FETUS AT THE BOY'S HEAD, AND SHE KNOCKS HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH THE FETUS. THEN THE DOG RUNS OVER AND STARTS EATING THE FETUS WHILE THE DAUGHTER STARTS SUCKING THE BLOOD OUT OF HER BROTHER'S SCROTUM.

Then EVERYONE STANDS UP and they all take a bow.

"That's an interesting act," the talent agent says, which was really kind of an understatement when you think about it."What do you call it?"

I seriously couldnt read through the whole thing so I skipped forward to the end, but man, that was awesome. I'm sure a percentage of my fellow pats fans disagrees, but I don't seem to have the pie chart ready ;)

Thanks for making me have an asthma attack from laughing so fucking hard reading this. The only thing missing was (door flies open) with Darkie 81 coming in to clean up the place with his tongue. When the family wants their chance, Moss uses his signature move...he pushes off. Probably also needed Welkah coming in to get Moss up the ass while Gaffney plays Lucky Pierre (in other words...needed to include the whole Brady Bunch).

Frankly, I was hoping for a "we could do this all day" tag. This could prove as fruitful as Herschel Walker's MPD for celebrity picks... I'm envisioning one involving lots and lots of Oreos used in unimaginably filthy ways and ending with "The Mannings!" At the very least, it could be milked for a couple of cheap Osi Umenyiora jokes.