Pipe Dream #336: To Be a Hipster of Grocery Stores – Seed Bars

So my roommate came down the stairs, and I said, “You know, you could take a couple of these seed bar things for lunch if you wanted.”

And she said, “Well, what are they?”

And I said, “They are, uh, seed bars.”

And she said, “Well, what is in them?”

And I said, “Idk a lot of…seeds.”

I even said “I-d-k,” not “I don’t know.” I think I must have internalized some language snobbery when I spent six hours a day inside a school building, but then I lived in the real world for a while, where none of that matters. I mean, the preservation of educated language matters to me, but only insomuch as knowing the rules well enough to be able to break them on purpose for wit, emphasis and laziness.

If you’re going to attempt this recipe, you needn’t worry about failing the technique itself. (This is literally one of the easiest no-bake recipes I’ve ever tried. Just mix in whatever the heck you want, stir and press into a pan. I didn’t add in fruit or chocolate or anything, but the options are numerous. Store them in the fridge or freezer though; they get sticky.)

No, the real difficulty of this recipe is the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual strength it will take for you to enter The Co-Op.

I’ve had opportunity to explore the various grocery co-ops around Minneapolis this year, and I’ve liked it. They appeal to my current life view of: “If I’m going to be eating, I’m going to be eating the flipping best food (when I am not eating McDonald’s, or more recently, much Ben & Jerry’s.)” So even if I’ve been a food/grammar snob at some points in life, I also eat Skippy (not the natural kind) and say “Brb” in real life and shop at Super Valu if the price is actually a super value.

Grow a beard. This step takes the most prep work, so you may want to plan out your trip a few weeks in advance. Unless you are me, in which case you need only will a scraggly, yet shapely beard to sprout mid-afternoon. A beard ensures you’ll fit in with the rest of the natives.

Don’t forget your re-usable grocery bag. I have dozens of these and never remember to snatch them out of my trunk on the way into the store. Asking for a paper bag is a red misfit beacon of shame. If you do this, the cashiers may give you a deep side-eye and be less than helpful in finding the correct PLU for your hemp seeds. Which brings me to my next point:

Shop the bulk section. The bulk section is the real reason I’ve been shopping at co-ops. It is so incredible! The prices are sooooo reasonable, and you can get exactly as much as you need so you don’t have two pounds of rye flour when you only needed 4 ounces. The bulk section also has fun cool items that you can’t find in other grocery stores.

Get in, get out. If you don’t feel that you’re up to the above tasks, your best bet is to just keep your head down, eyeball your sesame seed measurement and get the heck out of Dodge. Hopefully you won’t be noticed.

Add all the dry ingredients to a large bowl. Heat the honey and peanut butter in a separate bowl in the microwave on high heat for 20-25 second intervals until melted. Mix until smooth, then add to the bowl of dry ingredients. With a large wooden spoon or spatula, mix all the ingredients until combined all the seeds and nuts are coated with the honey and peanut butter mixture. Transfer mixture into a 9×13″ pan and firmly pack down with the bottom of a glass until uniform. Set in the fridge for 1-2 hours or until fully cooled and firm. Cut into desired portions. Store in the refrigerator.