Kevin Smith, Johnny Depp, And Their Daughters To Team Up For ‘Yoga Hosers’

Oh wow, Kevin Smith in a hockey sweater, I never would've expected that.

I normally farm these Kevin Smith posts out to Chareth Cutestory, simply because he maintains a level of hate for the “jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast” than I myself could ever muster, and I find it simply intoxicating. But I must admit, each new Kevin Smith project I hear about has me moving more and more towards Mr. Cutestory’s point of view. Smith has retreated so far up the ass of his own self-referential podcasts in the past few years that I barely know what he’s talking about anymore.

With Tusk (Smith’s man-walrus hybrid movie based on a podcast, with a podcasting protagonist) set to open Fantastic Fest, the latest word is that Tusk is actually the first film of a “True North” trilogy that will be “steeped in Canadian lore and history” (and Cheeto dust, presumably). The next two will be Yoga Hosers, and Moose Jaws, which Smith has described as “Jaws, but with a moose.”

Isn’t there a law against having this many people named “Haley” and “Harley” in the same place? There should be.

Hosers, written by Smith, centers on 15-year-old yoga nuts Colleen Collette (Lily-Rose Depp) and Colleen McKenzie (Harley Quinn Smith) who have an after-school job at a Manitoba convenience store called Eh-2-Zed. When an ancient evil rises from beneath Canada’s crust and threatens their big invitation to a Grade 12 party, the Colleens join forces with a legendary man-hunter from Montreal named Guy Lapointe (Depp) to fight for their lives with, according to the producers, “all seven Charkas, one Warrior Pose at a time.”

I’m pretty sure they mean “chakras” not “charkas,” but I’m groaning so hard right that I don’t have enough oxygen to ponder it deeply.

“People always ask me ‘Are you ever going to make a comic book movie?’” Smith said. “This is it – but instead of yet another dude saving the day, our antiheroes are the most feared and formidable creatures man has ever encountered: two fifteen year old girls.” [HollywoodReporter]

Kevin Smith may not be the hero equality deserves, but he’s the one who will run with every half-assed idea he has during one of his eight trillion podcasts. GRRRL POWER! Anyway, I eagerly look forward to Kevin Smith’s “Why Do They Call It Taking A Dump When Really You’re Leaving One” Sextology. One brave be-jorted man is going to ponder the imponderables. Six times!

The podcast episode was about a news story wherein a yoga loving guy unknowingly was in possession of a rare artifact. The cops came and took it from him. This movie sounds nothing like what the podcast was.

Kevin Smith needs to suck it…I blame the fact that Degrassi High honoured this idiot. Just because you think you know about Canada doesn’t mean you have Carte Blanche to define our cinema by releasing this trash.

Chareth Cutestory’s name sounds suspiciously like the “bad guy” character from a Kevin Smith movie.

Example:
Dante: (whiny voice) What’s wrong Randall? Why the long face?
Randall: Fuckin’ Chareth Cutestory.
Dante: That guy? I thought he moved to Paris after he teabagged the Principal in the 11th grade. Randall: Yeah, he did. But he’s back. And he’s dating Jenette Meyers.
Dante: Jenette Meyers!?! But she was so hot!!!
Randall: I know…Fuckin’ Chareth Cutestory.

In conclusion, I think it’s very possible that Chareth was invented by Kevin Smith to promote himself on Uproxx in some kind of weird, self-loathing, meta way or something. Have you ever actually met him, Vince?

Pretty much. This was just a convenient excuse to trash Kevin Smith…get all of the fat jokes out of the system that had been festering for a while…etc.

I agree…don’t like Smith’s stuff? Don’t watch it. Don’t listen to it. But running an article simply to trash it is kinda sad.

And for all of the Canadians on here telling Smith to suck it and get the Hell out of Canada, I might remind you that as the country that spawned Justin Beiber and unleashed him upon the world, we down here in the colonies have the right to launch any celebrity piece of trash upon you at will, forever, and you will take it with a smile and ask for another.

I’m glad that I’m not alone in my opinions of Kevin Smith. He is a waste of time and budget. Dogma is my favorite movie by him. His movie ideas are getting to be straight to Scifi Channel level of stupid.

As we all know, we can never say anything bad about a person who’s work we don’t like. Criticism of anything is evil and we should only say nice things about the press releases that companies release for their projects.

Anyone else laguh at the fact that KSmizle named his daughter after a character from a cartoon that came out when he was in his 20’s… like i like batman still too but i have no clue of what occurs on that current cartoons… i only know Quinn because i was like seven.