When I was about 14 I helped my best friend paint her bedroom a brilliant fuchia color. I was covered, clothing and body, in this red paint. I walked the two blocks home and when my mother saw me she flipped out because, "What if someone saw you walking home like that and thought you'd been in an accident?!!!?!"

When Bagman was a young man still living at home, he fell asleep at a party one night (not a drunken pass-out, he was just sleepy), and his friends thought it would be amusing to put makeup on him while he slept. They went a little crazy with the lipstick and it was all over his face.

He woke up and drove home without bothering to wash it off (I'm not sure he was even aware he had it on), but the trip took a long time because there had been an accident, so there were roadblocks, detours, etc.

When he got home, he ran into his mother in the hall, on her way back from a bathroom run. She asks why he's so late getting home, he starts to explain there was an accident ... you can see where this is going, can't you? She hears "accident," sees red stuff all over his face ... poor woman must have aged 10 years in that moment!

See, I hooked the game system to my little $20 5" b&w TV (Four phrases without a single word!) who, by the way, is named Kyle. I wanted to sit on my brother's bed and play my game while he played something or other on his big color TV. But the cord that connected the TV to the wall wasn't keeping the connection- it was a little wonky at the TV end.

Hmm, that won't do, I thought. So I wiggled it around and waited to see if the TV warmed up. No, it didn't. I looked at the cable. A lot of ridges in the metal part. Maybe they were gunky? I licked it, but it irritated my tongue. I figured it was the ridges. I licked again, and it was even worse. I usually use my tongue to clean up little messes (gross, I know, but for some reason I can't stop.)

I finagled a little more, and finally it was all set up and I played a whole level before getting bored.

Then, I figured out that the cord was still plugged into the wall while I was licking it.

Truly, my brilliance that day shall never be matched in this lifetime of mine. But it did make me think twice before sticking things in my mouth.

Logged

"My feet are killing me.""That may be true, but you can't press charges unless you catch them in the act!"-Sam & Max, Bright Side of the Moon

When I was about 14 I helped my best friend paint her bedroom a brilliant fuchia color. I was covered, clothing and body, in this red paint. I walked the two blocks home and when my mother saw me she flipped out because, "What if someone saw you walking home like that and thought you'd been in an accident?!!!?!"

Well, as long as you were wearing clean underwear, she had nothing to worry about.

Along the carrot and apricot vein......WARNING: This story is GROSS and FUNNY. Put all drinking materials to the side, no food while the flight is in the air, all tray tables in the upright position.Ready? Here we go.....We had a customer at the pharmacy who would make huge pots of collard greens and bring them to us at the start of collard season. They were homegrown, they were fabulous and, for those of us who were collard-naive (as in, not raised on them), they are an explosive natural laxative.And there was only one bathroom in the store.So we got smart one week that she made them. We were going to take Immodium BEFORE eating the collards.Oh my lordy, was this the worst idea we ever had.There is no gas pain on earth like the pain of gas in a slowed-down gut. We were literally writhing in agony by the time the shift ended. Have you ever had to get out of your clothes to save yourself from the bloat only to discover that you SKIN was too tight? Oh yeah.....I was in PAIN. Horrific, deadly AWFUL pain. I was begging to pass a little gas, just a little, just enough to keep from EXPLODING. It was hellish....finally, after about 48 hours of gut busting pain, the Immodium wore off and I was free. After a day I was finally back to normal.I finally got immune to the collard backfire but I swear I will NEVER use antidiarrheals as a preemptive strike again.EVER.

It wasn't so much that I thought this was a great idea, but I had done it many times before with no problems.

Many years ago I was making waffles. I was pouring batter into the waffle iron from a metal measuring cup. I don't know if the waffle iron had developed a short or what, but I got a honking shock and jerked back, spraying a cup full of batter clear around the kitchen.

Mom and I cleaned up the mess and went back to cooking breakfast. We both thought it had been a fluke & wouldn't happen again.

One more cup of batter. One more electrical shock. More cleaning of kitchen. One waffle iron in trash can.

Along the carrot and apricot vein......WARNING: This story is GROSS and FUNNY. Put all drinking materials to the side, no food while the flight is in the air, all tray tables in the upright position.Ready? Here we go.....We had a customer at the pharmacy who would make huge pots of collard greens and bring them to us at the start of collard season. They were homegrown, they were fabulous and, for those of us who were collard-naive (as in, not raised on them), they are an explosive natural laxative.And there was only one bathroom in the store.So we got smart one week that she made them. We were going to take Immodium BEFORE eating the collards.Oh my lordy, was this the worst idea we ever had.There is no gas pain on earth like the pain of gas in a slowed-down gut. We were literally writhing in agony by the time the shift ended. Have you ever had to get out of your clothes to save yourself from the bloat only to discover that you SKIN was too tight? Oh yeah.....I was in PAIN. Horrific, deadly AWFUL pain. I was begging to pass a little gas, just a little, just enough to keep from EXPLODING. It was hellish....finally, after about 48 hours of gut busting pain, the Immodium wore off and I was free. After a day I was finally back to normal.I finally got immune to the collard backfire but I swear I will NEVER use antidiarrheals as a preemptive strike again.EVER.

Though it is not right to laugh at your pain, it is fun!

Seriously, I think part of why this is so funny, and to add a corallary to the "don't do that" list, if you are feeding someone a food that they have not yet had, and you know that it has, im...explosive side effects the first few times you eat it, let them know, so they don't eat a bunch before going on a three hour car ride.

Unfortunately, I did this to Hubby.I had made a HUGE pot of Collard greens, a big ol' batch of beans, and some corn bread.I was fully prepared to live off of this, milk, and poundcake for the week he would be out of town with the scout troop he worked with. He asked what I was making, commented that it smelled good, and asked if he could have some.I dished him up a big ol' plate.I realized, about half an hour after he left that he had never had Collard before, or he wouldn't have been asking what it was, that he had, at a minimum, a three hour drive ahead of him, and that he would be camping, for a week.

He was less than thrilled when he called me to let me know he finally arrived. My MIL thought it was the funniest thing EVAH!

Teehee....I remember getting trapped in the car with hubby, the Human Wind Machine, after a particularly large bowl of Hambeens soup.I know for a fact that a human being can live breathing only methane for at least three hours.Did I mention that we were in driving rain the WHOLE TRIP....it was either suffocate or open a window and drown......

Do not try to inhale through your mouth while at the same time trying to swallow pepperoncini. Just a really bad idea.

Or hot salsa. I have no idea how I did it, but I suddenly ended up with a chunk of hot pepper stuck in the back of my throat. Seeing this, I probably did inhale it.

But, yeah, don't do that.

Also, don't walk backward down steep stairs while holding on to the balcony rail.

I was at my cousin's house when I was little, and the room upstairs was open to the stairs, with just a railing between the room and the stairs. I, in my five year old infinite wisdom, decided I could just hold on to this railing while I went down the stairs backward. Yeah, that didn't work too well. It stayed level while I went down, and eventually, I lost my grip as I stretched too far, and ended up rolling down the stairs.