It’s been a busy time for me here at Driving On The Right headquarters with the official announcement that Hellary is for running the office of Resident-in-Chief. Like an infestation of cockroaches at a grubby Mexican restaraunt, we knew this was inevitable, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

But there is some good news: I’ve talked to every Right-minded Conservative I know (and believe me, I know a lot of them), and every last one, to a man, agrees that they’ll be voting and speaking out against her without bothering to listen to a word she says or even considering what her policies are. As we all know, the only time that woman tells the truth is when she talks about redistributing our hard-earned wealth.

So with that blessed thought in mind, I can get back to the business of reviewing cars… an idea that made me happy until I contemplated this week’s ride, the Kia Sedona.

The Sedona used to be a minivan, except that term is out of favor now. Minivans are equated with “soccer moms”. You know, those uneducated stay-at-home women who believe in silly things like “family values” and “being involved with your children” and “personal responsibility” and “freedom”, all things Obama and his Lefty Liberals plan to make illegal in the New Clintonian World Order. Instead, we’ll be encouraged to work hard and earn lots of money so we can give it to all the illegal immigrants from Mexico so they can share it with their fellow Puerto Ricans.

Oops, did I say Puerto Ricans? I guess my computer’s Political Correctness filter must not be working. That’s what happens when you refuse to give up your password or your rights to Obama.

Where was I? Oh yes, the Sedona, which is not a minivan, because of course we don’t like people with minivans. Like so many other things in Obama’s New Dark Ages, Kia has adopted the Socialist Europe label of “Multipurpose Vehicle”. Which means that at least half of those multi purposes involve working your butt off so people too lazy to peel themselves away from Judge Judy can have “free” health care.

In my Kia K900 review, I talked about the way the Koreans are goose-stepping into line with Obama’s something-for-nothing “world view”. On the advice of my attorney, I won’t go over that again, but suffice it to say that nothing has changed in the land of Kim Dong Ill and the people who bow-wow-wow down to him.

The Kia Sedona is no different, offering features like leather and navigation that people back in my grandpappy’s day actually expected to pay for. The Sedona SX-L I drove had adaptive cruise control, lane departure warning, and collision avoidance with automatic braking. I couldn’t find the switch that disables the steering wheel and lets King Obammunist drive the car, but I’m sure it’s there somewhere. Information about it will be given on a need-to-know basis, and just like Hillary’s emails, ordinary, taxpaying, gun-toting, freedom-loving citizens like you and I don’t need to know. Shut up and get back in line, and let Nancy Pelosi decide what’s best for you.

The Sedona carries this whole something-for-nothing idea even farther by offering seven seats. Need I spell out what the message is here?

“Go ahead, comrades, have more children. Don’t worry about how they’ll be clothed or fed or educated or healed when they are sick. Your fellow citizens will pay for it. Go on, just fornicate like crazy. After all, who needs family values when you have Obama’s welfare state?”

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

The Kia Sedona is just another Koreak krap-kan kontributing to the kommunization of this once-great kountry. Something that will end on January 20th, 2017, when we kome to our senses and put another Bush back in the White House. Meanwhile, I have just one question for Hillary, Obama, Pelosi, and all those other left-wingnuts: How are we supposed to fill these cheap Korean not-minivans with children after you’ve made traditional heterosexual marriage illegal?

A former American icon, together with King Hussein Obama’s preferred mode of transportation for the masses.

An American Icon on the Road to Socialism

By Phil Uvschidt

Oh, that Obama. He sure is one sneaky little bastard! I could almost admire the guy, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s trying to ruin our country, destroy democracy, take away our freedoms, imprison our minds, and relegate our God-given American way of life to the junkyard of history. The lefty liberals may be clueless and stupid, but I can see why they love him.

Take the new 2015 Ford Mustang EcoBoost, a perfect example of what our first foreign-born President is trying to do to America.

Now, we all know that Obama would love to ruin—sorry, I mean run—the car industry the same way as his socialist idols in the tax haven of Europe. Over there, cars are taxed based on engine displacement. If you want a real engine, you’ll have to pay, comrade. That’s why most of them drive socialist shitboxes with sewing-machine motors.

Now, Fauxbama is smart enough to know he could never get away with that kind of thing here in the US. He may be trying to make us give up our God-given rights to own guns and have our kids pray in school, but he knows he could never stop real Americans from buying real cars.

Unlike Obama, I can prove that I was born in this country, and if I want my wife and kid to drive around in a giant nine-seat SUV that gets eight miles per gallon, well, that’s my privilege. And if she happens to run a red light and annihilate a family of greenies in their tiny little Prius, too bad. That’s what they get for listening to Alvin “I Invented the Internet” Gore and his band of merry global-warming sensationalists. Maybe they should have bought a proper full-size American car, because last time I checked, the glaciers are still there and the winters are just as cold as they were when I was a boy.

So instead, the devious little occupier-in-chief is taking away cylinders.

Look at the evidence, people. Volkswagen and Audi used to sell 12-cylinder cars in America, but they are gone. Same for Ford’s V10. And more and more cars—and I don’t just mean those little pinko European jobs, I’m talking real American-made cars—are dropping V6s in favor of dinky little four-cylinder engines with turbochargers that are bound to go bad every 40,000 miles, like the one on my uncle’s 1983 Chrysler 600.

Look back through your old car magazines (assuming you’re not a liberal who refuses to buy good old paper magazines because, oh no, they kill trees! Idiots, why do they think God made them grow so big, so fast? Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us humans used to be monkeys, and before that pond slime… oh, wait) and you’ll see that all of these engines disappeared during the Obama administration, or in the years immediately before.

Obama, you magnificent bastard! I read your book!

If this isn’t the work of the Chicago Charlatan, I don’t know what is. He knows he can’t tax away our displacement, so he’s found a way to make those extra cylinders illegal. I don’t know how he’s done it, I don’t know how it would even be legally possible, but I do know there is no depth to which ObaMao will not sink. Somehow, he’s pulled it off. I told you he was a sneaky little bastard!

Half an engine is good enough for you, comrade.

Obamalamadingdong’s latest effort is to mess with the all-new Ford Mustang. The one I just had for a test drive had a 2.3 liter four-cylinder engine. Wait a minute, isn’t that the same engine found in the crappy little Mustang II from the 1970s? Oh, no, say the Ford people. This is an EcoBoost engine, they say, and it’s every bit as good as a V8. 310 horsepower, 310 ft-lbs of torque, and 0-60 in 5.5 seconds. they say, just like a V8.

Oh, Ford. And here I had hoped that because you didn’t take funny money from the government, Obama could avoid getting his left-handed claws into you. How wrong I was.

Does the new EcoBoost Mustang really perform as good as one with a real V8? I wouldn’t know. I started up the Mustang, and instead of a booming V8 burble, all I heard was a lame little four-cylinder fart. That may sound good to all those “import tuners” (most of whom seem to be imports themselves, if you know what I mean), but I’m an American, and when we’ve come to the point where my daily-driver pickup truck sounds better than a Mustang, it’s clear that the American way of life is in serious danger.

I was so disgusted by what the Community-Organizer-in-Chief had done to the Mustang that I didn’t even bother to drive it. I just shut it off and left it in my driveway. Ford apologized profusely and offered to send over a 5.0 liter V8 Mustang in its place, but I told them not to bother. If Ford is going to go send one of America’s great cars down Chairman Obama’s Golden Road to Communism, I sure as hell ain’t going along for the ride.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

This is just another attempt by the Stalinists of the American left to control how you drive and convince you that there are “environmentally-friendly” (read: Socialist) alternatives to real cars. DON’T BELIEVE IT—this is just another Liberal Lie and an attempt to fool Conservatives who aren’t as well informed as they should be. Thanks, Ford, but I’ll buy a Dodge Challenger or a Chevrolet Camaro. Maybe they took government money, but at least they haven’t let Barak Ilyich Obama screw up the last of their real American cars.

The Golf is Volkswagen’s best-selling car in the socialist empire of Western Europe, along with a handful of other pissant nations whose governments think the path to success is to tax the daylights out of the rich and use their hard-earned money to pay for “social programs” for the unproductive. Here in the Occupied States of America, where people are still (for the moment at least) free to enjoy REAL cars, the Golf has been little more than a curiosity, enjoyed primarily a small group of Steve Jobs-worshiping liberal elites who are all too happy to pay too much money for too little car.

But a curious thing has happened for 2015: The Volkswagen Golf has gotten nicer. And less expensive. And a lot more restrictive.

Do you think perhaps King Hussein Obama got involved? Maybe he gave Volkswagen a little phone call and said “Guten tag, gentlemen, if you don’t want labor trouble at that Tennessee plant of yours, perhaps you’d better get my subjects into a more socialist frame of mind”? I’m sure liberals will say I’m a God-crazy gun-loving conspiracy theorist to propose such an idea, but remember that these are the same people who think Hellary might make a good President. Let’s do something that scares the living daylights out of socialist liberals, and look at the evidence.

Ah, liberalism. Who needs to work when you can get all this silver FOR FREE?

First, there’s the interior. The Golf has always had a dark, sober interior, one that encourages equality by reminding the driver that he will never rise above the social rank assigned to him by Der State. The new Golf is trimmed with brushed aluminum, even in the least-expensive models. What does brushed aluminum look like? Silver. What is silver? A metal that is valuable, but not too valuable. What is the message here? “Look, comrades! You don’t have to do anything, and you’ll always get second place!” It’s the kind of non-competetive, everyone-is-equal mentality that pervades sick Liberal thinking.

Next, there’s the engine. Volkswagen used to recognize that great American truth, “There is no replacement for displacement,” by offering a 2.5 liter five-cylinder engine in some of their American cars. (It’s no substitute for the 5.4 liter Triton V-8 in my Ford F-150, but by European sewing-machine engines, that sucker was a big-block.) Someone at the White House apparently got wind of that, because now the Golf has a tiny little 1.8 liter engine with a turbocharger. Turbocharger, by the way, is the German word for “mechanic’s annuity.”

What really scares me (and I use that term in the figurative sense; while the Liberal Agenda is frightening, Liberals are not) is the TDI diesel engine. Volkswagen has “improved” the TDI in accordance with Barack Hussein’s Communist agenda. Its new emission system requires diesel exhaust fluid (DEF), which the lefty liberals would like you to believe makes for cleaner emissions and reduces global warming, because Fargo, North Dakota is clearly right on the cusp of turning into a desert. Here’s the truth about DEF: Fauxbama’s Enviornmental Protection Agency made a rule saying that if a diesel car runs out of DEF, THE ENGINE WILL BE DISABLED. It simply will not start. DEF is only manufactured by only a handful of companies, and all it takes is one phone call from one of King Obama’s cronies to shut off the supply — and all of a sudden YOU cannot drive YOUR car which YOU bought with YOUR money. To conservatives like you and I, this is reason enough not to buy the TDI (as if we’d even consider this little German piece of scheiße), but pinko Eurotrash-wannabes probably LOVE the idea of Nobama dictating when and where they can drive. Wouldn’t we all be better off taking the bus?

(Oh, and there’s also an electric version called the e-Golf, which makes it even easier for Obama to decide exactly how far you can travel.)

Lastly, there’s the GTI, a car which the Democrats have been trying (unsuccessfully) for thirty years to jam down our throats as a replacement for those nasty, environmentally-unfriendly American muscle cars. This year, Volkswagen has bumped up the horsepower to 220 — but ten of those horses are optional. That’s right, you have to pay extra for the most powerful version. Same for the limited slip differential. For those who aren’t mechanically-minded, the limited slip diff is the thing that keeps your pickup from getting stuck in snow and mud. When you have a tinny little crapbox that powers the wrong (front) set of wheels, you need a limited slip differential to get what little power there is to the pavement, otherwise the inside wheel loses traction and spins. Naturally, the Democratic White House would prefer you do not get all that power to the ground; they’d rather we drive nice and slow, like orderly Commu-bots.

Last but not least, the new Golf is built in Nancy Pelosi’s favorite country, Mexico. Volkswagen is on thin ice with the Democrats; they dared to build a plant in the state of Tennesee, far away from the purview of Brobama’s fund-raisers in the UAW. (Needless to say, the good God-fearing people who work there do a great job; too bad they were given such a crappy car to build.) I guess VW’s management didn’t want to push things too far, so they offered to help the Resident-In-Chief fulfill his campaign promises by creating jobs… in Mexico.

So, for the benefit of those Democrats who feel we should all be happy with a secular public school education as generously doled out by the State to illegal immigrants everywhere, let’s recap. The new Volkswagen Golf:

Encourages the Socialist philosophy of paying more and getting less.

Has an interior that promotes the Liberal ideal of wealth for all with no work.

Provides jobs for illegal Mexican immigrants in their own home country.

And people say I’m nuts when I write about the automotive industry’s liberal agenda!

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

This is just another useless attempt to lure the gullible American liberal public into “environmentally-friendly” Euro-socialist motoring. Unfortunately for Obama and his Politboro, we Conservatives aren’t as dumb as he looks. Don’t expect patriotic God-loving American patriots like me to start trading in our pickup trucks for this krappy Kraut kommuter kar any time soon.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with England, the land of bad food, warm beer, and crooked teeth.

I can hear the liberals whining already: “How can you saaaaay that, Phil, you mean old Conservative? You haven’t even beeeeen there.”

Listen, lefties, I don’t need to go to England to know what it’s like. I’ve seen Mary Poppins.

Anything England ever did halfway decently was improved by America. The war against Hitler. James Bond movies. The Office. (Some people say Ricky Gervais is funnier than Steve Carrell, but at least when Steve does the part you can understand what he’s saying.)

England is a crummy little country that has done its best to turn itself into a socialist utopia nanny state. With welfare handouts and closed-circuit cameras on every corner, it’s a Democrat’s paradise. “Bend over for your free prostate exam, sir. A little closer, please, the police camera can’t focus. Tea?”

They even let their queens marry. That’s all the proof you need right there.

What’s worse is that they are trying to steal America’s glory. They speak the same language as the United States, with a fancy-ass accent to make themselves sound superior. They renamed the country “The United Kingdom” to make it sound more like “The United States.” And am I the only one who remembers that they once elected their own Hillary Clinton as Prime Minister, then had her snuggle up to Ronald Reagan, the Greatest President Who Ever Lived? They even had the guts to call her a Conservative! And people actually bought into that! (That was the beginning of the end for the Republican party, if you ask me.)

And once again they are attempting to copy the greatest sports car the world has ever known, the Chevrolet Corvette.

The idiot Democrats in the morality-free zone that is today’s liberal automotive media might be eating it up, but I see the new Jaguar F-Type for what it is. All you need to know is right there in the name. Decency and the Lord Jesus prevent me from saying what that F stands for, but I think we can all guess.

I can hear the Liberals whining again: “The F-Type isn’t a Corvette rip-off, it’s the follow-up to the E-Type, one of the greatest sports cars ever.”

Bull feces, my gulliberal friends.

First of all, when was the last time you saw an E-Type on the road? That’s right, barely ever. Not because they are to rare or worth too much money to drive, but because the damn things won’t start most of the time. Some communists liberals blame the electrical system, with blasphemous stories about “Lucas the Prince of Darkness” (you wouldn’t joke if you knew the real Lucifer, who you can visit, by the way – just go to Washington and ask for Barbara Boxer’s office). This is actually a design feature, because if the engine did start, the vibrations would cause the rusty paper-thin sheetmetal to flake off the car. One good bumpy road and the whole car is likely to crumble into a pile of fine British dust.

In fact, if you want to see how bad the quality of these cars was, use your Internets to search for a photo of the early E-Type prototypes. Or go to that great Liberal institution, the library. (Ah, the library. Why let mean old corporations turn a profit by selling books when we can loan them to people for free? Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s read to our schoolchildren in the same building that provides smelly homeless people a place to surf porn on the Internet. Good show, comrades.)

If you look closely at those old photos, you’ll see just how badly those first Jags were built: They put the steering wheels on the wrong side of the car.

So much for old-world craftsmanship being superior to American automation.

Note the lack of wood, which is exactly what Liberals get when they think of life in a socialist utopia like England.

Second, the E-Type was itself a bad rip-off of the Corvette, which came out nearly ten years before. The curved windshield probably has the same part number as the one from the 1953 Corvette. And as for the back end of the coupe with its large glass back window, it was clear that the Britglish had a spy at General Motors, who broke into the Future Design Center and ripped off the 1978 Corvette (which, I’ll admit, was a pretty neat trick to pull off in 1961. You have to give the Brits credit where credit is due: They produce great spies, like Kim Philby and James Bond. No wonder people still believe they captured the German Enigma machine. I sure did, at least until I saw U-571.)

Problem is, those bowler-wearing, tea-drinking, monarchistic socialists wouldn’t know a proper sports car if it ran them down in Trafalgar Circus and dragged them clear through Knightsmister and all the way to Nelson’s Abbey. Remember that ridiculously long hood the E-Class had, supposedly to give the look of power? What was underneath it? That’s right, an inline six-cylinder engine, the same thing you’d find in a secretary-spec Mustang or a cheap Chevy Nova with dog-dish hubcaps. (Yeah, I know they made a V12. Look how well that worked for Packard.)

Jaguar got out of the Corvette rip-off business for a few years, but now they are back with this new F-Type, and it’s more of a Corvette pretender than ever. Two seats, just like a Corvette. Loud exhaust, just like a Corvette. V8 engine, just like a Corvette. (There’s also a V6, which I guess is supposed to be some sort of tribute to the original E-Type. Sorry, dear chap, but If I want a V6 engine, I’ll buy a Toyota Camry.) Hell, they’ve even made it go around corners worth a crap, just like a Corvette.

Needless to say, the liberal automotive media are whooping and hollering so loudly, you’d think Obama just promised free phones and health care for every border jumper from San Diego to Miami Beach. (Oh, wait, he already did that.)

I heard Playboy named the F-Type their Car of the Year. I wonder if Jaguar will put that in their advertising? “Jaguar F-Type: The choice of progressive perverts who want your college-age daughter to pop out her tits for the whole world to see.” That’s sure to make the F-Type a hit with the feminists!

I spent what the Liberals would call “quality time” with the Jaguar F-Type, and I have to admit, it was impressive. It’s pretty fast, all of the lights worked, and it even started on the first try. For an English car, that’s a real accomplishment.

But I wouldn’t go handing out accolades to the leF-Type just yet. God-fearing Conservatives like me still see this as the Corvette-pretender it is. And it just so happens that there’s a new Corvette out, and it’s superior to this limey jalopy in every way.

In fact, I hear they even made that same wrong-side steering wheel screw-up on some of the early F-Type prototypes.

Ah, England. How quaint.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

If you really want to waste $90,000 on this British piece of crap, be my guest. (Just don’t let Obama know you have that much money, he’ll want to “redistribute” it.) Thirty years from now, when your F-Type is a pile of rot with an engine that won’t start, I’ll be happy to give you a ride in my Corvette. Who says Conservatives don’t believe in charity?

The Kia K900 is a new full-size, high-end luxury car from Kia. Yes, that’s right, Kia, the Korean koncern that makes those cheap little krapboxes for people with bad credit and Obamaphones.

And I’ll tell you what, this is a very nice car. It has a rich leather interior, a ride as smooth as a classic Lincoln, and a beautiful stereo that brought my CD of Abridged Bible Stories For Men to life. And the price tag is a bargain: $59,500, about $40,000 less than a loaded-up Mercedes S-Class.

Sounds tempting, doesn’t it?

Of course it does. My friends, this is exactly how Obama tricks people into falling into the trap of liberalism.

How will we pay for it all? Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little minority head about that. We’ll get some big bad rich corporate WASPs to foot the bill, but it’s okay, they have plenty of money! After all, what are they going to do with it? Take their family on vacation? Send their kids to good schools? Donate to their church? Enjoy the fruits of their success? Sure, maybe back in the bad old Bush years when the country was successful, but nowadays we frown on that sort of thing in UBNSU (Uncle Barack’s New Socialist Utopia).

It’s the whole promise of something for nothing that is the Lie of Liberalism. And it’s embodied in the Kia K900. Any sensible Conservative (and aren’t we all sensible?) knows that you can’t get a car as good as a Mercedes for 60% of the price. Of course, we don’t understand Liberal Math, which works like this: TAXES + SPENDING = FREE STUFF FOR EVERYONE.

Of course, the world doesn’t work on Liberal Math. Much as the Democrats would like to pretend otherwise, the numbers still need to add up. So how can Kia give us so much for so little? The answer lies in Kia’s home country: Korea.

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Korea, now that Obama and his cronies have gotten their hands on our kids’ textbooks. While they were busy adding chapters to teach homosexuality and removing the words “theory of” before “evolution,” they found time to edit down the parts about the Korean War, but you can still find it, right between the chapter where we stole America from the Indians and the one where we made the universe unfair for women and black people.

Here’s what happened in a nutshell: The Ruskies wanted to make Korea into a Communist country, and America said “No way, Ivan.” Of course, America’s troops were victorious, but that didn’t stop the Commies from infiltrating and renaming rhe country “DEMOCRATic Republic of Korea”. (Subliminal message, anyone?) Leftie liberals will tell you there’s a lot more too it than that, but that’s the Democratic Party’s way, isn’t it? Lead you around in circles while they pick your pocket.

Nowadays those krazy Korean Kommies kan’t keep the lights on, but they can produce plenty of polished turds with Kia and Hyundai badges to be shipped to God-fearing capitalist countries like ours.

Since it’s made by Socialist slave labor in a country where everyone is equal, Kia can build the K900 much cheaper than a God-fearing country like America can build, say, a Cadillac. And His Royal Barackness has no problem with foreign imports. After all, he can’t seem to provide proof that he isn’t an import himself.

Besides, the K900 fits perfectly into Obama’s plan to turn the United States of America into the Democratic Republic of America. “Look, everyone, you can have a car as nice as a Mercedes or a Cadillac for thousands of dollars less! Why do you need to spend $100,000 on a BMW 750i, just because you’ve worked hard and made yourself successful without relying on Government handouts? Buy this here Kia from Kim Il-Jong for just 60 grand, and we can take that other $40,000 in taxes and give it to underprivileged minorities!”

And He thinks we won’t know the difference. After all, the K900 is just as nice inside as any German luxury car. It has a powerful V8 with 429 horsepower and it rides as quiet as a Church on Tuesday afternoon. It even has air-conditioned seats, Bluetooth for your Obamaphone, and a trunk lid that opens and closes electrically, just like a Mercedes.

And here’s the best part: All we have to do is raise taxes on the rich, increase welfare handouts for the poor, and everyone will be able to afford one! No more will luxury cars be reserved for those who worked hard to earn their living. Everyone is equal in Premier Obama’s Socialist Workers Paradise!

Of course, as with most Liberal claims, I bet the Kia K900 will turn out to be all show and no substance. Sure, the K900 feels solid and substantial now, but God only knows what will happen when the warranty runs out (and since Korea is a Godless country, I bet even He’s not sure). I know a guy who bought a Kia Sephia back in 1994, and that POS blew a head gasket after just 60,000 miles. My Chevy Malibu was in the shop after throwing a rod at 85k, but the mechanic agreed that the Kia was much, much crappier. Just because Kia has wrapped the K900 car in leather and wood, why should we trust them to build a decent car?

Then again, I work for a living, I own guns, and I’m not on welfare, so what do I know.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

The 2015 Kia K900 is just another ploy by the Democraps to convince us that we can get something for nothing. Why spend the money we earn on ourselves, when we can give it to Barack Hussein Obama, and he can tell us how to best live our lives? No thanks, Comrade Barack. I’d rather keep my money and drive a Cadillac.

UPDATE: I’ve just been informed by a reliable Conservative source that Korea is actually divided into two countries, and that the Kia K900 is made by the South Koreans, who fought with our brave God-blessed troops against the Communist North Koreans. Whatever. I still don’t trust the little bastards.

Editor’s Note: Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been too busy arguing with Liberal Obamabots about the stupid health care law that’s sinking our nation, plus trying to figure out how to make a living when the Democraps want to take 85% of my paycheck and giving it to the trial lawyers and welfare mammas who got them elected. Maybe I should renounce my citizenship and sign up for AFDC so Obama will give me free food, free rent, and a free phone. Anyway, look for more God-fearing Conservative car content coming soon! — Phil

Volkswagen Passat: Dumbed down for Liberal America

Fritz’s family car for ze dumkopf Americans

by Philip Uvschidt

There are a lot of people who expected me to like the new Volkswagen Passat because it’s built in America. And not just anywhere in America, but in the heart of the God-fearing South.

You’d be surprised how many “American” cars are actually built by drug dealers and beer-swilling socialists. Oops, sorry, I meant to say “built in Mexico and Canada.” I guess my Politically Correct blog filter isn’t working properly today. Sorry, Obama.

Yes, it is worthy of note that the Passat is built in Tennessee, at a plant not yet poisoned by the cancer of the UAW (not yet, anyway, though the union leeches are certainly putting in very expensive overtime to make that happen).

But has anyone forgotten where the money for those Passats is going? Let’s remember that Volkswagen is a GERMAN company and the money goes to GERMANY. I’ve never been to Germany, but my granddad flew over it a few times back in the 1940s.

So the Passat is a German car pretending to be an American car. Boy, won’t that make the liberals happy! They can wrap themselves in the flag and still be as pretentious as they want to be. (One wonders if having their nose so far in the air will make it bleed, and if so, is that covered under Obamacare?)

Simplified for stupid Americans

The Passat isn’t a bad car; it’s somewhat plain looking on the outside and overly simple on the inside, which makes perfect sense since the Communists Liberals have taught their idols the Socialists the Europeans to believe that all Americans are lazy and stupid. Lazy, stupid and fat, which explains the Passat’s big back seat. The trunk is sized for all those AK-47s the propagandists say we haul around all the time. (If only they knew the truth. My Desert Eagle fits quite nicely into the glovebox of my Ford F-150.)

The big news for 2014 is a new 1.8 liter 4-cylinder turbocharged engine, which replaces the 2.5 liter 5-cylinder the Passat has been using since 2012. I don’t trust turbo engines. Granddad had one on his 1985 Dodge 600 and it gave him nothing but trouble. (I told him not to buy one of those little front-wheel-drive crap boxes. He eventually came to his senses and bought a Dodge Diplomat. Still a Chrysler, but at least it had a 318 V8 that we could work on without tweezers and a magnifying glass.)

The Passat was perfectly fine with the big, simple 2.5 liter engine, but of course that motor didn’t get good enough gas mileage for Obama and his lefty liberals, so VW had to replace it with this over-complicated piece of junk. Nice going, Obama.I bet you were hoping your subjects supporters would give you all the gas money they saved to pay for Obamacare, but instead they’re going to have to spend it on repairs. But hey, at least the money goes to a hard-working VW mechanic and not those evil Republican fat cats who run Big Oil.

How do you spell disaster? T-u-r-b-o

A week with the Passat made me wonder why people get so excited about Kraut cars. The Passat is okay, but it’s not the second coming that those Macintosh-loving liberals make it out to be. There’s not one single thing it does better than a real domestic car like the Chevrolet Malibu. But the Malibu is American, so clearly it must be inferior.

Funny, back in the ’40s the Krauts thought the same thing about Americans being inferior. My granddad and his “associates” sure set them right.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

If you want to send your money to a former enemy of this country in exchange for a mediocre set of wheels, the Volkswagen Passat is the car for you… but don’t be surprised when English becomes this country’s second language.

I was really looking forward to testing the all-new 2014 Cadillac CTS VSport. 420 horsepower, rear-wheel-drive, made in America: This promised to be a REAL Cadillac, the likes of which I haven’t seen since my great-uncle Carmine got drunk and drove his 1975 Sedan de Ville into the pond at the sewage treatment plant.

So I hopped in behind the wheel, and then I saw the CUE system… and I hopped out again.

CUE is Cadillac’s new “infotainment” system. (You gotta love these new Liberal words. Why can’t we just have a stereo, like I do in my Ford F-150?) It uses a touch screen and a capacitive-touch panel that can sense the presence of your fingertips. If this was a typical Liberal blog I’d talk about all the amazing technology it takes to make this work, but since I’m a cut-to-the-chase Conservative, I’ll tell you that it’s a ridiculously over-complicated piece of crap. What ever happened to good old-fashioned mechanical buttons, switches and sliders? They were good enough for Uncle Carmine, and they’re good enough for me. But apparently, they’re not good enough for Cadillac.I guess that means that Conservatives like us are not good enough for Cadillac.

Worse yet, Cadillac’s model for the touch-screen system is the Apple iPad.

Take a moment and let that sink in: General Motors, which used to be one of the suit-and-tie bastions of the conservative business world, is now taking their guidance from the underpaid grungy t-shirt-wearing socialists at APPLE, a company so far to the left it’s a wonder they don’t fall into the Pacific ocean.

Cadillac CUE: Why have buttons when we can Obama-ize your life?

Did we all get stupid all of a sudden? Apple is NOT some great democracy that delivers what the people want. Apple is run by folk hero Steve Jobs (sorry, was run by Steve Jobs; I bet his followers were shocked to learn he wasn’t immortal) who treated the entire tech industry as if it was his own Communist empire. He designed whatever he thought was cool and then sat back and counted the cash as his cultie customers declared it the Best Thing Ever and tripped all over themselves to pay twice market value for it. (If that isn’t a parallel for Comrade Obama and his brainwashed Liberal supporters, I don’t know what is.)

Well, screw that. I’m perfectly happy with my Windows computer. Sure, I have to deal with viruses and trojans and pop-ups and blue screens and crashes, but even with the money I pay in computer repairs, I bet I’m still spending less than I would for a Liberal Crapintosh. And so what if I can’t play Angry Birds on my flip phone? I’d rather shoot real birds with real guns, and that’s just what I’m going to do until Sheik Barack Hussen Al-Obama pries my Colt M1911 out of my cold, dead fingers.

But I digress.

It appears that Cadillac has drank the Apple-flavored Kool-Aid, because they’re putting this over-complicated iPad-clone in all of their cars. That’s all I need: Some lawsuit-happy AFL-CIO trial lawyer, his head buried in the CUE system as he tries to tune his radio to Keepin’ It Real With Al Sharpton, is going to plow into my F-150, and then sue me for driving a solid chunk of Detroit iron that made his Cadillac crumple like a discarded cigarette pack. And then he’ll probably file a class-action lawsuit against General Motors, from which he’ll make thirty million dollars while each of the plaintiffs get a Starbuck’s card worth $1.68, and then he’ll donate half of that money to get the 22nd Amendment repealed so he and his cronies can appoint King Obama to a 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th term.

And all because Cadillac won’t use gosh-danged buttons for the gosh-danged stereo in their gosh-danged CTS.

Two turbos means twice the trouble

I was so disgusted with CUE that I didn’t even bother to drive the CTS. I wouldn’t buy one anyway; two turbochargers means twice the trouble. Come on Cadillac, stop pandering to the politboro Obama Administration and put a big-block V8 engine with a four-barrel carburetor in the CTS. The Communist-in-Chief can’t enforce 54.1 MPG CAFE if we refuse to go along with it.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT

The 2014 Cadillac CTS Vsport is proof of why the Liberal Agenda is doomed to fail. Why complicate our lives with touch-screen “infotainment”, twin-turbo engines, gay marriage and women’s rights? Let’s get back to the cars and the values that made America great. Bring back the 1975 Sedan de Ville! (But not Uncle Carmine’s, it probably smells pretty bad by now.)