"Don't stand with like that your rear sticks out like a *derogatory term for a person of color* *derogatory term for a woman*." (Sorry I'm not 5'2 and petite like his mother was. I'm 5'9, and I've got a German girl figure. Hips. Chest. And back end. From his side of the family.)

"Why is your hair always in your face? You should wear you hair up."

(When wearing my hair up) "You look nice. You should wash your face more so your skin would be better." (I was a teen. I had pimples.)

Let's just say, I've never had a job that was good enough for him, or grades that were high enough.

"You read too much. You need to learn to deal with reality."

"You're going to get depressed and hurt yourself if you move out/take that job/ try and fulfill your dreams/ leave my direct control." (I've never once be diagnosed with depression or anything like it.)

"You should join the military so you'll learn some discipline."

From Mom:

"You don't socialize enough." (This was usually followed by trying to force me into an activity that she would have wanted to be in at my age.)

"Well if you didn't eat so much." (Usually followed by offering me fast food.)

"Stop being so lazy."

Interestingly, my middle sister is my polar opposite. They said just as many nagging things to her, but with the opposite spin. They used to keep her from socializing and insist that she needed to read more. I wish I was kidding.

My pet peeve was when I'd get A's in English and social studies, but would struggle to get C's in math and science. The A's in English were proof that I could do it and just wasn't trying hard enough in math.

As a result, while DH and I would be proud of our kids for getting straight A's, we do realize some subjects are going to be harder than others. My oldest is a math whiz but science and English are tougher. My middle son loves and does very well in science and reading but struggles with math. We'll be happy for them to get a mix of A's and B's, and if there's a C and we know they've worked hard as they can, we're not going to criticize them for it.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Many years ago when our first daughter was born, DW & I decided she would go back to work and I would be the full-time at-home parent. My parents called and told me we should not do that, because they didn't want to have to tell the extended family I wasn't earning a paycheck.

Um, no ... we made our decision based on important factors.

Why on earth would there be any reason for them to tell "extended" family anything about your paychecks?

My ILs make fun of my son (behind his back, and behind mine - I overheard by accident) because he has to drive a 'neeeeeeew' car. Well, he's working full time, he's made every payment on that car on time, he pays the insurance on time every month (and it's high - he's a 20 year old unmarried male with one major accident on his record), in addition to paying his own rent and all other bills. DH and BIL both had their first cars provided by my ILs (crappy piece of junk lemons they bought on the side of the road for $500), and were carried on their parent's insurance until well into their 20's...BIL might still be on their insurance at age 34. So if DS wants to spend his money on a new mid range Nissan, power to him. I'm proud of him for being so responsible and building his life the way he wants it.

Many years ago when our first daughter was born, DW & I decided she would go back to work and I would be the full-time at-home parent. My parents called and told me we should not do that, because they didn't want to have to tell the extended family I wasn't earning a paycheck.

Um, no ... we made our decision based on important factors.

Why on earth would there be any reason for them to tell "extended" family anything about your paychecks?

When we were packing up my things to go to college, my father almost literally had smoke pouring out his ears.

My going off to school was just foolishness. In his mind, all of us knew that I'd be calling home and crying for my mother to come take me home in a day or two.

It didn't happen that way. I loved college life.

For some reason we could never figure out, Dad had the idea that Mom had complete control over everything I did. According to him, when she wanted to, she could even make me think I was sick when I wasn't.

My hair was the wrong color even though it was in it's natural state. One day I got supremely pissed about the nagging and I dyed it Manic Panic Purple Haze. It was awesome and I didn't get too many comments on my hair color after that. I also got a lot of "you need to cut that mop", so I let it grow passed my rear.

I was a tomboy by nature and almost all my friends were boys. I was always scraped and bruised growing up and I dressed like a boy most of the time. I didn't much care for wearing dresses and still don't. Thankfully that was a battle my mother gave up long, long ago. I guess me wearing pink balances it out.

"You read too much, go outside". Then I'd get fussed at for not being at home.

My rear is too large and so are my thighs.

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Meditate. Live purely. Quiet the mind. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine. ---Gautama Buddah

My father, on finding out I was pregnant (after 3 years of marriage) - "I'm not sure I want to be a grandfather but I guess it's ok."

My first stepmother - I was lazy because I liked to read, no man would ever marry me because I was too lazy to keep the house clean (if she saw my house now, she would turn in her grave - and our 40th anniversary is in 2 weeks). Also, during the miniskirt era (when you couldn't get anything BUT - my 4'11" stepsister was in heaven), she complained that she couldn't find any dresses for me that weren't up to the crack of my behind. At which point I finally talked back and said, "Mama, I can't help it if I'm tall." That was the last time she criticized me for anything - maybe she was just waiting for me to stand up for myself. And I still have the dress that caused the complaint.

edited to remove naughty word. Sorry, folks.

« Last Edit: September 04, 2013, 07:16:33 AM by BB-VA »

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"The Universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, it's the right place and the right time. Pain that sometimes comes is part of the process of constantly being born." - Delenn to Sheridan: "Babylon 5 - Distant Star"

My mother was adamant that I not register to vote (never mind just about everyone else in my family is...) and got mad at me when I did anyway while I was away at college. It was during a presidential election, so I needed an absentee ballot since I was in another state at the time. I never got it, so I couldn't even actually vote that year (and then she proceeded to rub it in my face when her candidate won - we don't see eye to eye politics wise ). When I asked why, she said she didn't want me being called for jury duty. When I asked what was so bad about jury duty, she had no answer. She at least seems to have gotten over that, though.

She's also criticized what field I wanted to go into and keep bringing up other fields she thought I should go into (and would get really pushy about it). Even when I did look into one of her suggestions (occupational therapy), she turned around and started saying it was a bad idea for me to go into it because I'd have to touch people a lot (yet she also suggested physical therapy and massage therapy as possible careers...oooookay...). When I pointed out she had suggested it and even had me talk to one of her patients who was in that field, she claimed "oh, it was just a suggestion, just exploring options". Whatever field I pick always seems to be wrong. For psychology: "but you'll be dealing with really crazy people and you'll get killed!" (ugh...) For speech therapy (wherein she even once offered to buy me a car if I would go into that instead of psych): "but you barely know how to talk yourself!"/"you sound like an FOB!". I give up...

Is there a chance you didn't get your absentee ballot because you Mom stole it to vote for her choice. I had a friend at school that that happened to. She had the same fight about her field, and ended up cutting her mom off as soon as she graduated. She was afraid I would think she was a terrible person because I have this huge extended family and was always doing things with them. I told her no we'll just adopt you into our family. (A good portion of my extended family are people that have dysfunctional families of their own - so they get invited to our stuff instead).

My father, on finding out I was pregnant (after 3 years of marriage) - "I'm not sure I want to be a grandfather but I guess it's ok."

My MIL, at DH and I's wedding, told us we couldn't have kids yet because she was too young to be a grandmother. 6 months later her younger sister became a grandmother and suddendly she was harping on at us to give her grandkids. She was very put out when DH told her that her timing demands about grandchildren were going to be ignored.

My mother complained she was too young to be a grandmother when I was pregnant with my first and then again when he was born. Heck I was 22 and married, and just 2 years younger than she was when I was born. It's not like I was a teenager, yet she was embarrassed to be called grandma. I believe it was part vanity, part her insistence I did it wrong by not having a career first. As a result she refused to be called grandma or any common substitute.

Meanwhile my MIL, who is about 3 years younger than my mother, was all too happy to be called Nana, and FIL who is a few years younger than her was happy to become Pop-Pop.

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Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

I know my Mom worried about me not having many friends like my more social cousin and Sister - but in part she blamed herself and Dad for not picking up on the bullying and doing something earlier. I simply don't trust many people.

All the adults in my life were frustrated by the fact I could correctly read words, and use them in conversation but couldn't spell to save my life. I was even tested in elementary and JH - but my reading level was too high for me to have any LD having to do with language according to the criteria being used. (Actually If I was in school today I wouldn't qualify as LD in Texas. Neither would my sister or our dyslexic cousins. WE could be 504ed but not receive SPED interventions)

One comment that makes me want to take a clue by 4 to my sister and cousins "I hope "child" gets his/her smarts from his/her father not me." Now my cousins' husbands and my BIL are smart guys don't get me wrong. Thing is Sis and cousins graduated in the top half of their competitive High Schools, went to good universities (where we all were diagnosed) and graduated with decent grades - while they were all reading on a FOURTH - FIFTH grade level. They don't get the massive intelligence and coping skills behind accomplishing that. For them not reading for pleasure = not smart.

My father's favorite criticism of me was that I was "unfeminine". Mind you, I was the daughter in pointe ballet classes wearing tutus, but I wasn't "feminine" enough because I did not wear dresses EVERY DAY. He would regularly tell me, "You'll never get a boyfriend or husband wearing pants." Then when I DID have a boyfriend, he asked him, "What do you see in Cami? She's so unfeminine. Do you really like boys?" (Keep in mind that this was the 1970s, when no one asked a teen boy if they were gay except as an extreme insult.)

His second favorite criticism of me was that I was too "emotional". EVERYONE else who knows me thinks I am stoical (due in large part to being ridiculed for showing emotion as a young child). But not my father. When my mother died (unexpectely and at a relatively young age) and I had a tear in my eye, he ripped me a new one in front of everyone for being "too emotional." It surprised no one that I declined to attend his funeral after that.

Luckily for me, I had long since decided that my father was a total idiot, so his comments were like water on a duck's back.

We must be related. This is me, too. Minus the boyfriend. I think she was afraid I was a lesbian.