March 29, 2008

STUART, a rather handsome thirtysomething with cropped hair in a white t-shirt is sitting at a disconcertingly large dining table glowering at his computer monitor. He moves his mouse cursor across the screen, double clicks a small lime-coloured icon and opens his email software. After the new emails have arduously downloaded, STUART clicks and opens the top one.

EMAIL: Stuart Ian Burns,

I'd like to invite you to be a guest author on my TypePad weblog, Waiting for Christopher. Just follow the instructions in this email message, and you'll be able to quickly sign up for the service and post within minutes.

STUART grins then clicks on the accompanying link.

And that’s how I ended up writing here, an invite from Neil, which is rather less exciting than having your fiancé’s brain turned into an incubation chamber for an alien but like working for Torchwood it’s been a fine line between pleasure and pain ever since. I’ve said this before but it's worth repeating, sometimes I’ll sit here at the keyboard after an episode of the many series we’ve covered and not had the first idea what to say. Sometimes that results in experiments like this, but more often than not I’ll literally bang my head against the keyboard (which is why it’s a good thing that they’re cheaper than they used to be – keyboards, not heads). Like Douglas Adams, I find it very difficult to write anything, specifically anything sensible and yet here I am day in and out, week in and out cheating myself into the conviction that one day I could be a writer.

But then I look at an episode like Fragments and suddenly my fingers are fluid and those words just keep coming. That was, screaming out the window, dashing round the park if it wasn’t quite so cold, scrotum tensingly brilliant. It was the kind of episode which almost makes sitting through the rubbish end of the first series worth it, which proved that actually the production team do have the ability to turn out work which you do want to watch over and over (unlike, as I indicated last week, most episodes). I can’t imagine ever wanting to see Adrift again. But I’m already trying to work out when I can sneak another look, a copy of Ahistory in hand with a pencil to fill in some of Lance's more arduous blanks.

That was, screaming out the window, dashing round the park if it wasn’t quite so cold, scrotum tensingly brilliant.

Everyone put in a good performance, Chris Chibnall’s writing was measured and clever and the direction was top notch with Jonathan Fox Bassett (a man whose name is just a consonant and a vowel away from infringing the BBC’s guidelines on product placement) suggesting that his earlier work on From Out Of The Rain was an aberration brought on by an incomprehensible script. Believe me that it’s a complement when I say that this was the kind of work Whedon’s Mutant Enemy would be proud of, and yet still with a very British, very Cardiffy flavour.

I’ve gushed already about episodes this series, mostly out of surprise, but as things have progressed there’s no denying there’s been a drop off and a bit of uncertainty. In point of fact, in hindsight the first episode since the first episode which seemed as though it was made with the same joy as the parent series or The Sarah Jane Adventures, in which everyone seemed to know what they were doing. For once. When the only criticism I can really think of is that the ending wasn’t too much of a surprise because this week’s Radio Times rather gave the game away, I don’t know how much more praise I can heap on it.

One of the problems I’ve had with this series is its boring attempts to divorce itself from the parent show. In Fragments that all went out of the window and it’s not really a surprise that continuity king Gary Russell was the script editor, as each flashback was clad with a thick layer of squee. A certain timelord was name checked properly for the first time – not just a doctor, but The Doctor, a man very much on the minds of the We newly created Victorian Torchwood. We were introduced to the new baddaass edition of UNIT who probably use the pulling of naval hair as part of their arsenal let alone solitary confinement and this 'appearance' no doubt foreshadowed their appearance in The Sontaran Stratagem. Martha works for these guys? And look Ianto's talking Torchwood One! No explanation as to how Ianto managed to get Lisa into the basement! But confirmation that Jack had cut Torchwood 3 off from the lot of them!

In Fragments that all went out of the window and it’s not really
a surprise that continuity king Gary Russell was the script editor, as
each flashback was clad with a thick layer of squee.

All this and the reveal that Natasha Kaplinsky was already working for the BBC at the millennium in the Whoniverse and not only just finding her feet on the Sky News version of breakfast telly – in a section which was entirely consistent with Gary’s own recent novel The Twilight Streets. About the only thing this scene lacked was a break down of the molecular structure of the planet, an alert that some Autons were attempting to take over a company, a computer on the Thames was trying to change the laws of physics and that Prime Minister Brooks was attempting to declare martial law despite the power cuts hitting most of the country. What – you thought I was joking about Ahistory? I’ve got it in my left hand already and I don’t think I should say what I’m doing with the right one. Typing obviously.

But setting aside its somewhat accurate approach the nu-Whoniverse, the episode did exactly what it set out to do – rationalise exactly how the regulars found themselves working for this organisation (oh and give Eve Myles little to do so she could be off filming Adrift, probably). So what if each of the sections resembled some other genre pieces – it’s a flashback scene from Angel, it’s the interrogation scene from the Alias pilot, it’s the solitary confinement from V For Vendetta, it’s La Femme Nikita, it’s a gay The X-Files, it's Primeval, it’s House, MD (sort of -- but considering that man’s abilities with deductive reasoning I’m surprised he hasn’t put at least one illness down to alien influences). It homaged from the best (with one notable exception) and for once it didn’t feel like kleptomania.

Of course the freewheeling Jack wouldn’t volunteer to work for Torchwood, despite the enticement of Cardiff’s equivalent of Dru and Darla (sorry I can’t be more original comparison than that but Damon’s already used my Tipping The Velvet line. Tipping The Velvet indeed), but with the thirteen thousand odd deaths which ensued, the constant loss of work colleagues probably hardly ever through natural causes, the fact that being stuck in that basement usually sent them insane and an apparent lack of promotional prospects, no wonder he was a crabby bastard by the time we met him in the opening episode of Torchwood. As I think Mr. T Davies said in Torchwood Declassified afterwards, there are so many holes in Jack’s past which would be worth filling, although I hope this doesn’t herald a propensity for him to look far off and for a Highlander-style flashback to come crashing in (speaking of which – can Jack be beheaded? Would that sort him out? Or would he simply grow a new head? Ewe!).

can Jack be beheaded? Would that sort him out? Or would he simply grow a new head? Ewe!

Solitary confinement explains why Tosh always seemed so nervous and eager to please and decided that a character like broken Owen should be the object of her affections. We were promised an explanation as to why she would turn up pretending to be a doctor inAliens of London, but perhaps that’ll happen next week. Similarly, no wonder Owen’s attitude to women could best be described as disposable when his fiancé died in such a horrific manner – why commit to a proper relationship if there’s always the possibility that the quasi-Dalek that’s latched onto her cranium could kill all the surgeons. About the only inconsistent character was Ianto who seemed far more in-keeping with the new version with added bounce than the rather dower winger we encountered last series. But then as he walked away, those tears signaled that actually he wasn’t quite right in the head, a breath of relief suggesting to him that he might be able to help his cyber-girlfriend.

Next Week: Jack deals with some unresolved issues and Cardiff Council have a reason to bid for EC funding so that they can remodel parts of the city centre. Again.

March 28, 2008

The cover for the new issue, #394, of Doctor Who Magazine has been added to their Facebook Group. With the start of the new series imminent some slight changes will take place on the blog.

Firstly, from the middle of next week we'll revert back to a Doctor Who skin in preparation for the 5th. But those of you who are doggedly watching Torchwood you won't be forgotten in amongst all the fun and excitement.

Torchwood reviews will still be posted and there'll be a handy little 'mini blog' on the right hand side bar that'll gather together all reviews of Fragments and then Exit Wounds and will also contain the votes for those episodes.

March 27, 2008

This episode tells the harrowing story of a woman who is forced to come to terms with the fact that her missing son has aged 40 years in seven months. And if that bombshell wasn't distressing enough, he now looks like Gully Foyle from Alfred Bester's The Stars My Destination and lives in a decrepit lighthouse where he screams a lot. There won't be a dry eye in the house!

There's only one tiny problem. The people who cast the guy who played her son before he went missing decided to plump for someone who looked like they were in their early 30s. This made the opening scene appear very bizarre and a little bit kinky to me. I thought their texts were part of some weird sex game (this isTorchwood after all) and he was simply late for his weekly shag. But no, she apparently had a child when she was 12. Maybe this was subtly preparing me for the episode's shocking denouement?

But I'm nitpicking. As much as it surprises me to say this: Chris Chibnall delivered a solid episode. A little bit spooky. A little bit sad. It deployed some interesting twists and turns and the performances were, Barrowman chewing the scenery aside, very powerful. Hey, I was impressed.

I thought their texts were part of some weird sex game...

The mystery at the heart of the episode was handled particularly well. It was all too easy to assume that Captain Jack was being his usual bastard self, torturing poor defenseless Rift victims in a cross between Bedlam and the Dharma Initiative from Lost. But no! Jack was being a nice guy who was locking up poor defenseless Rift victims in a scary lighthouse instead. So that's alright, then.

At first this struck me as being bonkers beyond belief, not to mention a little cruel (couldn't the staff brighten the place up just a little bit? slap up some pretty wallpaper? pipe in some soothing music?) but as the episode progressed, and we saw the full extent of Jonah's injuries, it quickly became apparent that there were no easy answers to this situation. Where's Owen's magic fridge when you need it? I'm just surprised that Jack didn't just put them all out of their misery; it wouldn't have been the first time. However, his decision not to warn Gwen that Jonah was only compus mentus for a few hours a day was incredibly insensitive. Or maybe he was just trying to teach the nosey cow a lesson?

But what really saves Adrift from being a saccharine mess are the
tour de force performances from Ruth Jones and Robert Pugh as the time-shifted mother and son. This, coupled with the
decision to end with a wholly realistic and haunting ending, gave the episode some much needed balls. You could argue
that Nikki is better off knowing the truth (whether she likes it or not) but you have to wonder why they didn't just
retcon the hell out of her. What makes her so special? And why not retcon Jonah while they're at it? Maybe retcon pills don't work when the show is going for pathos. Which would be fine if they didn't rely on them every other bloody week.

Where's Owen's magic fridge when you need it?

Anyway, it's pretty grim stuff. And I'm welling up just thinking about it. So let's lighten the mood with the coda we all wanted to see but were, alas, cruelly denied - Andy's interview for a job in Torchwood:

Jack: So, Andy, why do you want to join Torchwood?

Andy: Well, boyo, I want to get involved in all these Spooky Doos. Gwen makes it sound like a right laugh.

Jack: Right. Well, I have a list of questions that will gauge your suitability to join a top secret, beyond the government, slightly askance to the police, organisation...

Andy: Righty-o.

Jack: Question 1: have you ever displayed any bisexual tendencies?

Andy: Erm, no...

Jack: Okaaaaay. Would you be willing to display any bisexual tendencies?

Andy: What? No! Aren't you going to ask me about my detecting skills or my ability to fire off witty, sarcastic comments in the face of danger? Look! All my fingers work properly and I've been practicing waving a gun around in the air!

Jack: Sit down, Andy. So, not even David Beckham. Just a tiny, tiny bit?

Andy: Is this a wind-up?Jack: Forget it. Next!

Poor Andy. Give this guy his own series immediately. Get him out of his uniform and make him a 21st century Shoestring. We could do with a laugh.

"The network has commissioned a 45-minute standalone episode of the Doctor Who spin-off for its Afternoon Play slot. The episode is timed to coincide with R4's news and documentary coverage of the launch of the world's largest particle accelerator at the Cern physics laboratory in Switzerland."

To be written by Joseph Lidster and Mr. Barrowman et al have signed to appear. Wacky -- Torchwood in an afternoon timeslot when everyone's at work. Luckily, a podcast and cd will be available later.

Nice to see Chibnall combining the haiku and the tongue-twister. Always experimental.

Torchwood:
Adrift

I'm sure Gwen means well, but let's face it she's the kiss of death. She has spent all of her time in Torchwood
extending the metaphor of breaking the photocopier to the point that when
she comes to stay the mice are throwing themselves on the traps. Adrift
was another example of her good intentions gone awry, but she wasn't
entirely to blame. This time that snake-in-the-grass PC "Spooky" Andy
was responsible for tempting her back into the life of blighting other
lives. I've never trusted him - he has the look of a man who'd happily
watch Torchwood if
it wasn't already a fictional construct of which he is a part. So
once tempted back to her interfering worst by PC Andy she is then
encouraged along the path by the most incompetent wanker on the planet
aka Captain Jack. I've lost patience with myself going on about this,
but no wonder Torchwood fucks up so much when they are led by a man who
has taken the mushroom management of his staff (shit on them and keep
them in the dark) to a new art form. Except most managers like this
might bankrupt a company or two at worst, whereas this clown causes a
legion of pointless deaths per episode while sexual harassment lawsuits
go through the roof. And what's worse his antics are televised. I
didn't think Jack could sink any lower than his Benny Hill bum-pinching
in Meat, but he
managed it here. His inexplicable behaviour in withholding the
whereabouts of the rift victims from trusted colleagues was bad enough,
but the sound of him off-screen roaring "Ianto" like some sex-crazed
Jack Nicholson impersonator was enough to put the teenagers off their
dinner.

Give Nikki her hope back - it's a piece of piss.

However, if you could ignore the Scottish American long enough there
were signs of a real drama trying to get out. I've been
meaning for a while to give due credit to Kai Owen's work on this
series, but I think he's one of the best things about it. All the
scenes between Rhys and Gwen were excellent and actually sounded like
real people arguing. Admittedly you had to forget about the pregnancy
talk coming hot on the heels of Something Borrowed,
but Rhys's "Sometimes I fucking hate you" speech was great. In
addition to this there were powerful performances from Ruth Jones and
Robert Pugh, the latter an actor I've always had time for since his
monumental performance in In a Land of Plenty.
Mind you I wasn't expecting him to turn up looking like Uncle Fester
after a night on the tiles. But as ever, so much of the good stuff was
undermined by nonsensical plotting and motivations. Doesn't Jack think
to mention to Gwen that Jonah is stark, staring mad most of the time
and that therefore getting his mum to visit might not be a great idea?
"These people are sick in ways you can't imagine". Well if you told
her she wouldn't have to imagine. And after flinging retcon pills
around like Smarties in every other episode in the series, no-one even
thinks about retconning Nikki Bevan, the one person who categorically should
be helped to forget, and this omission is seemingly for the sole reason of contriving a situation that makes Gwen feel
sad and responsible. Give Nikki her hope back - it's a piece of piss.

Has he never thought through this stuff
at all?

The hospital was also bizarre. Jack sets it up on Kirrin Island and
tells the staff that "These were experiments that went wrong" as a
cover story. How desperate were the people at the Job Centre that
day? What were the interviews like? "That brings us to the end of the
interview. Do you have any questions of your own?" "Er...what experiments?
And what's the soundproofing like in the staffroom?". And when it
comes to the crunch and Gwen wants to bring Nikki to visit it takes her
approximately thirty seconds to convince Jack that he's morally wrong
to keep the inmates a secret. Has he never thought through this stuff
at all? Or does he have the concentration of a fucking goldfish?
Maybe everytime he dies another part of his cerebral cortex is nixed.
The brain damage would explain years later why he can only say "You are
not alone" as opposed to "The Master's at the end of the universe, do
all you can to avoid that scenario.". He'd just forgotten.

Those girls really researched hard

But all of this is just putting me into the downswing. Back in the
upswing, I was particularly enamoured of the montage scene where Tosh
and Gwen researched the negative rift spikes via a flashy edit that did for
research what Flashdance did for dancing. Those girls really researched hard. They had more red sticky dots on their maps than Sergeant Benton in Invasion of the Dinosaurs,
and they had bespoke rift spike stationery! With barcodes! Which they
stamped with bingo markers! For the sheer glamour of research, this
was probably my favourite scene in the series so far. But to my
surprise, it was swiftly overtaken by Gwen and Rhys's
reconciliation at the end of the episode. Because in spite of all the
nonsense that came before, the characters were convincing and moving.
Who would have thought it?

And before anyone says it - yes I know Jack has issues concerning a missing member of his family. It's no fucking excuse.

March 26, 2008

Just in case you missed it, here's a link to the excellent article from The Times last week about Doctor Who novels and the publishing thereof. There are some amazingly business sensitive details, such as how much the novelists are paid and more of exactly the kind of information you wished would turn up in an average Doctor Who Magazine interview:

"In one of this year’s stories, Revenge of the Judoon, the Doctor
originally fought to save Balmoral and Edward VII with the help of Winston
Churchill. Unfortunately the TV people liked the idea, and thought they
might keep Winston in reserve for a future episode. So the author, Terrance
Dicks, had to make do with a cameo from Arthur Conan Doyle instead."

"We're delighted to officially announce that Series Four of Doctor Who
will commence with Partners In Crime at 6.20pm on Saturday 05 April
2008, BBC One."

That seems very early -- but remember when the series was on at that time anyway? Also, turns out that first episode title is also an Agatha Christie title reference. If she'd also written a novel called The Sontaran Stratagem it would look like a was pattern forming.