Thursday, June 21, 2012

Knocked up

I guess it really wasn't some form of poisoning after all

In the beginning

Let's start with Friday night, April 13. It was one of those days at work, the ones that drive you to drink as soon as you step through the door at home. Vodka shots were quicker than opening a bottle of wine right away, we started there to take the edge off. A bottle of wine was then opened. The night pretty much continued in that direction.

Saturday. Damian had planned a surprise for me so we were up nice and early since it was about a 2 hour drive to the secret destination. In the shower I started feeling sick, like "i'm gonna puke in here" kinda sick. So i did. I thought I felt better but then it happened again before we left. Great, I thought, guess I can't handle my booze anymore. I was excited to learn of the surprise and Damian said it was too late to cancel, so on we drove. Along the way I lost count of the number of times i had to mumble "pull over" under that ever familiar lump in my throat climbing its way to freedom. I barfed on an ant hill at one point, sorry ants.

You know that adrenaline rush of "phew i feel better" after you're sick to your stomach? That part is awesome. I had that part when Damian told me to close my eyes because we were getting close. When he told me I could open them I was greeted by a giant hedge out the windshield, as i focused more two gorgeous, long, strong legs became apparent beyond the greenery. Horses! We were going horseback riding! Hooray for excitement adrenaline now. We signed our lives away on waivers, were suited up with helmets, and give our horses name. Just as they were bringing our steeds over to mount us up upon I ran behind the barn to hurl again. So pretty. I was really worried about what the situation would look like if were to find the need to relieve my stomach while ON the horse. I couldn't really just ask her to simply pull over. Luckily, as soon as I was on the horse I felt a thousand times better. I went the entire one hour ride without incident. As soon as i got off the horse, barf. I pretty much continued the trend the rest of the day.

Sunday. Feeling a touch better, no desire to leave the house though. I sat on my ass all day but I didn't puke, I was on top of the world!

Monday - Wednesday. I was now in a serious and committed relationship with the toilet and convinced there was some form of poison flowing through my bod. I called Damian at work and said "I think i need to see a doctor" to which he agreed.

Thursday. I dragged my near-lifeless body into the car to go to a walk-in clinic, pretty much convinced I was never going to know what healthy felt like ever again. I waited, and waited, paced by the bathroom door, and waited some more. Finally the doctor called me in. When i told him I was working on making barfing my profession the first question he asked me was "could you be pregnant?" I said "Umm, I guess so, but isn't this a bit much for morning sickness?" (so i WAS a couple days late but i just thought it was due to stress, you know?). He said there was a really hardcore flu bug going around but that he was going to test me for babies just in case. A pee in a cup later he turned around and said "guess what? you're gonna have a baby".

And that was that, unexpectedly expecting, knocked up good and proper. Luckily I was prescribed a divorce from the toilet in the form of a little white pill. If I didn't have those little guys to swallow every morning I'd still be a retching beast.

You know what I can't wait for? A friggin year off work! Pretty sure I've already checked out mentally and I still have 5 months to go.