(1)Arrrgh! (2)This be the story of a pirate lass o' no ordinary recipe. (3)Yay, the 19-yr-old pirate sailed the seas aboard her own ship with her all-female crew, looking for adventure and freeing girls everywhere from oppressive salad diets. (4)The lass had hair blonde as fresh cooked capellini and eyes as red as tomato sauce, and it was believed that there be more o' tha Noodle in her than an ordinary soul.

(5)As a wee barnacle, Pici be born in a harbor town to swashbucklin' parents and while they sold pasta to hungry sailors at their nautical goods shop, (6) Pici would play in the shipyards and watch the pirates on their boats, learnin' all there was to know about boat sailin'. (7)And she hear'd all the tall tales the sailors had to offer, of sea monsters, ghost pirates, and carb-restricted dietary plans. (8)Then one day, while delivering much needed plastic forks to an island colony o' dorm students, Pici's mother and father be attacked by (9)Sea Ninjas, vile agents of Darwin whose ninja masks had blasphemously evolved gills, and their robes taken on long, green strips so as to look like seaweed.

(10)To avenge their loss, Pici sold their now-abandoned shop and set out to become a pirate herself. (11)And the FSM watched Pici and her rockin' awesome piratical activities, and thought to Himself, (12)"Oh, crap. Awesome." (13)And with a twirl of His Noodly Appendage, a boat did miraculously become available. It be a caravel and through His will Pici acquired it at an ridiculous discount. (14) Before leaving her home for the sea, she took one thing — the fork she had had her first taste of pasta with. Pici tied the fork into her hair and set out ta' begin her adventure. (15)She cristened her ship The Corzetti, and voyaged from one island to another, collecting a crew of her own. (16)And they flew a ponytail'd Jolly Roger, maintainin' that the only balls ye need to be a pirate are cannonballs.

Chapter 2

(1)The Corzetti rocked and pitched its way through the waves of the ambiguously located Atlanto-Carribean Sea. (2)A crew of girls were busy tying knots, adjusting weights, and other piratical things that the author didn't bother to look up on ye olde Wikipedia. (3)From atop the aftcastle, the girl captain vaulted over the banister in a most piratical fashion and in piratical tongue spoke out:

(4)"Avast, ye flat-chested lads!" Pici called to her crew o' maidens (arrr, for when ye be freightin' females, it don't do much motivation to call 'em their own gender do it?) Walking across the deck, she called to her kimono-clad First Mate up in the crow's nest. "Kimiko, what be the situation?"

(5)"They be closin' in, Captain! A research vessel! Twelve men!" Kimiko responded. Pici turned her head toward the stern and saw the boat gaining knots on them.

(6)"Alright crew! Pull hard to starburt! Ready the metal boomy things!" Pici ordered. (7) And they turned the ship broadside to face the heathen vessel, and brought their cannons to bare down on the sorry ninjas sneaking around and doing flips on its deck, which did kinda make them stand out, defeating the purpose of sneaking.

(8)And with great "PLOPS" the canons did fire, and they tangled up the sails and ropes of the scientist heathens' ship with amorphous blobs of spaghetti. (9)And the sails could not catch wind, and from the downed ship a voice shouted out, (10)"HOLY FREAKING CRAP ON RYE!!! PASTA IS MAD FRIKKIN' TASTY!!! SCREW THERMOMETERS, I WANNA BE A PIRATE!!!"

(11)And the Corzetti sailed onward as microscopes and meter sticks came flyin' overboard from the former research vessel, and Pici smiled knowing she had made many converts aboard that ship and stuck a fork in Darwin's eye.

Chapter 3

(1)The pirates sailed into a harbor town to relax and stock up on supplies, for Cannon Ballinis do take a lot of ammo. (2)At the saloon, Pici sipped at her tankard, tho' it be filled with chocolate milk for she be below the drinkin' age.

(3)"Here he be," the barwench said, a young man no older 'an Pici at her side, "the best carpenter at harbor. Oliver 'ere'll fix anythin' yer ship be sorry fer." The lad did nod politely and was taken out to the warf ta' practice his trade.

(4)After he be gone, the barwench turned to back to Pici. "I done hear'd about a trinket..." the barwench whispered to the girl captain as she pour'd her another tankard, "...one o' the Lost Noodly Treasures." And Pici did listen with much listeningness. (5)The barwench explained, "They say this bit o' jewelry be havin' otherworldly powers, the kind sailors tell tales of while changing outta soiled pantaloons. ...That it have tha power to bring inta' tha world that what could undo All o' Science Forev-arrrgh."

(6)And Pici's scarlet eyes went wide as meatballs, and twirling the fork in her hair, asked in a hushed voice, (8)"Da' this be true? Like, for totallies?" (9)The barwench looked around and told the pirate lass o' a map. A map made entirely outta a single sheet o' lasagna that, when treated properly, would divine the location o' the Lost Noodly Treasure. (10)She also did speak o' a certain ninja freighter that happened to pass through the harbor a coupla' nights ago, loadin' up with all sorts o' suspiscious things covered und'r sheets.

(11)With a hint on where ta' look, Pici and her crew got their things and thingies and thingymabobbers and other nouns that denote arbitrarily designated personal effects. (12)Upon coming to the shipyard, Pici be surprized ta' see that Oliver be waitin' fer them, already done. (13)The captain inspected the hull and saw that it was not only expertly fixed, but that a ornate spaghetti-knot molding adorned the new pieces. (14)Pici looked over at Oliver and wondered if their needin' repairs be more'n just coincidence.

(15)"What-- what be these?" Pici inquired.

(16)"Oh, that. It's kind of a wierd thing I've noticed. When I add imagery of noodles into the wood, it somehow becomes more durable and lasts longer."

(17)Pici looked at the boy and asked, "Lad, would ye be alright sailin' under the command o' a female?"

(18)"That depends. Can I still cook my own special style of pasta?" Oliver asked optimistically. Pici raised an eyebrow.

(19)The crew murmured to one another in wonderment at the wafty aroma as the boy brought the large serving tray out of the galley and into the mess hall. (20)He lifted the lid and revealed a marvelous sight — chopped up pieces o' hotdog... with cooked strands of spaghetti runnin' straight through it! (21)The lasses looked on with awe and all sampled the dish. (22)Forks clanked to rest upon the floor, for it be the tastiest form o' pasta they'd yet had! (23)And with many cheers and fangirly shrieks they did welcome Oliver aboard.

Chapter 4

(1)The pirates withdrew anchor and sailed out after the ninja freighter. (2)They traveled from port to port, island to island, following one redirect after another, and taking on additional crew and becoming a mixed-company ship in tha' process. (3)They visited the Isle o' Motorini, a strange place where pirates did sword-fight with windshield wiper blades and cooked pasta on a crankshaft like it were a rotisserie. (4)They landed at the harbor of Noodlewick, where in the forests they met landlubbin' pirates in robes tha' color o' tomato sauce and worshipped the Noodly One as a goddess o' the harvest. (5)And they also came to the tiny nation o' Noo Jirzy, though they soon left fer its beaches be littered with syringes and mysterious rubber sleeves.

(6)Finally, after all their chase, the Corzetti an' her crew did catch eye o' the ninja freighter. It be floatin' strangely in the middle o' the ocean, and all aboard the Corzetti be arousin' suspicions. (7)Aboard the freighter, everything be quiet and still, and the pirates be arousin' suspicions. (8)Oh wait, I already be sayin' that. (9)The rooms did appear empty, and there were many crates o' unknown contents. (10)Oliver pickup an ornate anchor pendant offa tha' floor, and proudly slung it over his neck. (11)"It looks like the our Noodly One has left ye a token o' acceptance," Pici said warmly, fixin' her captain's hat.

(12)First Mate Kimiko looked at one o' the banners upon the back wall, and upon readin' the katakana, horror befell her. (13)Fixin' her kimono, she ran out ta' the others t'warn them, but afore she could say it, they came. (14)The wood paneling burst offa the walls, and ninjas crawled out like serpents from a booby-trapped Egyptian tomb! (15)All the pirates found themselves surrounded by Darwin's demonic army, and they knew they had no choice but ta' fight.

(16) Pici whipped out her, well, her whip — an oversized strand o' spaghetti, and proceeded to smack the hell outta one a' tha foul ninjas. (17) Oliver took out his woodworking tools and disarmed one o' tha ninjas by reducing his meter stick to a harmless sharpened katana. And the ninja threw away the useless thing and fled. (18) But there were too many ninjas at once and soon all of the pirates be down and pinned ta' the floor, and earbuds with Carl Sagan's Cosmos forced inta' their ears.

(19)The ninjas chanted in victory, "Hail Sagan!"

(20)But then a flash of something went across tha' room, and the earbuds dripping their sciencey poison be knocked outta the pirates' ears. (21)The ninjas looked up in horror to find Kimiko, brandishing a handful o' chopsticks, starin' em down from the doorway. (22)"It be a while," Kimiko said grimly ta' the ninjas.

(23)The head ninja, garbed in a black ninja labcoat, did approach and spaketh evily, "Ah, Kimiko. Interesting that you're here. What happened? Still angry about your hometown?"

(27)"Aren't you forgetting something? You led the attack, my former kunoichi," the ninja reminded.

(28)"Aye, and that be why I abandoned yer ship. Those innocent bowls o' Shirataki, Udon, and Ramen spilled inta' the streets... Those horrors be all'a I done needed t'a see ta' leave aboard the Corzetti and be a pirate."

(29)"Mmm. I'm not here to fight, only to confirm information. You are all in fact here, so my assignment is done. Have fun with the Elders..." The ninja commander finished, and signaled his grunts to leave. (30)And the ninjas dove inta' the water, evolved fins, and were gone.

(6)The man and woman walked to the center of the room and gave polite waves. "They be university professors!" Pici barked as she stared down her mother and father.

(7)"Aww... honey, you're finally allowing boys onto your little boat. My baby girl is all grown up!" Pici's mother cooed. "Is that boy there your mate, sweetie?" she said, pointed straight at Oliver. "You know as the female of the species you have to select your mate carefully and find one with good DNA. After all, that is how our species evolves..." A sinister grin streaked upon her completing the last word.

(8)"I be a pirate sailin' under the flag o' His Noodly Appendage! The only DNA that be existin' in anyone's body be Double serving of Noodles Al dente! Ye can't fool' me with yer Dark Wizardry!" Pici retorted.

(9)"No dear, it's not wizardry," her mother explained. "It's actually quite simple. Individuals don't evolve, populations do. All evolution is is when the population changes over time as a result of natural selection giving some genes a better advantage over others, causing the overall appearance of the species to shift along the lines of the surviving phenotype," her mother expertly summarized.

(12)"Well, yes my boy," Pici's father responded, "but I don't have to prove that he doesn't exist, you have to prove that he does. The burden of proof is on the one making the claim."

(13)A sharp pain struck the back of Oliver's knees, and they gave out beneath him, cut down by the man's sharp Logic. Two chopstick flew across the room straight for the Darwinists' faces as Kimiko managed to knock off their glasses. (14) "Oh no, where did they go?" the zombie-like Scientists said just after losing a part of their body.

(15)"Hashiru! Run!" Kimiko ordered. Pici got to her feet and they all ran to the ship's breached hull, and into the sea dove like penguins (16)(righteous penguins, not those wicked evolution-supporting Galapagos penguins). (17) Oliver grabbed an armoire he did and threw't overboard with himself so they'd have some driftwood to cling to in the water, and with it they safely doggy paddled their way back to the Corzetti.

(18)"Be careful dear! My forecast predicts an 70% chance of a tropical storm tonight!" Pici's mom called out from the wrecked ninja freighter as the girl captain and her crew escaped.

(19)And the unholy agent o' Darwin's words be true, for as the pirates sailed of, they traveled straight inta' a storm. (20)And yea, it was a stormy storm. The kind with rain and wind. (21)And the Corzetti took nasty hits after being knocked into some sand banks and rocks. (22)The crew fought to protect their barrels of noodly treasure from being thrown overboard. (23)Being heaved ta' tha port & starburt banisters, they saw the waves broiling with Sea Ninjas. (24)At last the lightning and rain got really spooky, and the ship did lurch upward, and all aboard blacked out.

Chapter 6

(1)Pici awoke to find palm trees at a 45 angle with the horizon. (2)Also they were upside down. (3)And the lass did scratch her head and stand up to find her ship run aground on the sandy shores of' an unknown island, pieces of wood and debris lyin' everywhere. (4)The lass ran about checking her crew, and none were injured. (5)Upon tallying the damage, they came ta' notice the armoire Oliver had grabbed be washed up with the ship, and that a secret compartment had been forced open from the crash. (6)Oliver pulled it out to reveal a large piece of lasagne. (7)Noodly Luck, it be the map! (8)Verily, they knew that the Noodly One had, in His Intoxicated All-Powerfulness and All-Lovingness, allowed disaster to strike them followed by fantastic good fortune, for swaying one way and then the other be the way o' the Noodly Drunk. (9)And in thanks, the pirates smacked themselves on the the heads with coconuts to please His Googly Eyed Holiness.

(10)Looking off inta' the distance, the pirates did notice something strange risin' outta the trees. (11)Venturing inta' the vegetation, the pirates came upon a whole laboratory facility, hidden on the island. (12)Approached the building complex, they saw that it was a massive conglomeration o' futuristic kitchens of'n architecture they'd never seen. Large and metallic, all swoopy and sleek. (13)Coming to the front door, they were greeted by a single young lad. His name be Ravioli, and he be the island's sole inhabitant. (14)Ravioli took them in with great hospitality, and explained ta' them that he'da been charged from Above with researching the physical properties o' Pasta, and be given a Kitchen unparallel'd by any other on all o' Earth to always make new types o the Noodly Feast an' so combat the always-evolving machinations o' Darwin and his natural selection.

(15)Pici thought this over and showed Ravioli the map. (16)The lasagne be blank, and it would need ta' be treated just right fer the map to appear. (17)And with great enthusiasm Ravioli explain'd that his Futuristic Space Kitchen (yes, that's actually what he called it) had exactly the noodly technology ta' visualize the hidden ink. (18)Placed within an ionic oven and vibrated with ultrasonic pulses, the sheet o' lasagne came alive with a sea chart showin' many familiar islands! (19)One island be circled, and the pirates cheered that the location of the Noodly Treasure be theirs. (20)With the use of Ravioli's stainless Titanium kitchen utensils, Oliver repaired the Corzetti inna few hours. (21)Ravioli even gave 'em a bonus and installed central air conditioning. (22)The author be likin' air conditioning.

(23)That night the pirates celebrated their amazing good fortune and did party on the island in the Name o' the Flyin' Spaghetti Monster. (24)Bowls of pasta from all over the globe be cooked up and wolfed down. (25)The pirates shared Oliver's hotdog-spaghetti dish and Ravioli shared with them what he called "Noodles from Beyond the Stars," and they looked pretty cool. All black, green, and blue. Like gummy worms. (26)The author also be likin' gummy worms. (27)And so the deck of the newly-fixed Corzetti be rowdy with partyin', and tankards o' rum be passed around. (28)(They be in international waters so it not be illegal. And if it'were, so what? Pirates! Arrrgh!)

(29)And lo, as the night passed along, spooky things did start ta' happen. (30)Pirates of mixed gender would disappear without explanation, supply closets would mysteriously lock themselves, and knocking and moaning sounds echoed throughout the hull, and a good amount o' the pirates became convinced the ship was haunted. (31)Pici watched tha' shennanigans with an amused smirk and, havin' had a few too many mojitos herself, grabbed an unsuspecting Oliver by the wrist, whisk'd him away into her captain's room and promptly shivered his timbers. (32)And lo, this continued for all of the night, and there were many grins and tongues pressed against the insides of cheeks, and at least one pirate probably got herself pregnant.

(33)In tha' mornin' all the pirates were indeed a lot dizzy and none could walk straight, and they stumbl'd about the deck of the Corzetti, covering their ears from the roar of a gentle breeze and shading their eyes from the harsh dawn sun, and doin' the minor chores associated with sailin' the seas, completely forgettin' that the Corzetti still be be lyin' beached in the sand. (34)The pirates all voted on a coffee break and watched movies for a coupla hours ta' recover.

Chapter 7

(1)And so with their ship repaired and their coffers filled with new forms of pasta, Pici and her crew set out. (2)One of the pirate lasses stayed behind, to be the boy-chef's assistant and help him in his noodly research. (3)And as the Corzetti sailed off (this time actually in water), one o' boy pirates up in the crow's nest started laughin' and rootin' like a seadog at something he saw back on the beach through the telescope, but none could figure out what it was.

(4)After sailing for a moonlit night that seemed to last a strangely long time, the pirates finally caught sight o' an island. (5)After a quick view o' the map, it was known that this be their island. (6)Dropping anchor and rowin' to shore, the girl captain and her crew set a'foot onna a treasure hunt. (7)And the pirates followed the map in a windin' and stumblin' trail, to a boulder that looked a lot like a colander, around a palm tree with upward fronds that did look like a fork, and through a small wilderness that did smell of basil leaves and parmesan. (8)Finally, silence came over them as they found themselves starin' eye ta' eye with an ancient shrine. (9)It be a statue o' a maiden inna chef's apron, a bowl of spaghetti tucked inta her left arm and a pasta spoon pointed out ta' sea in her right. (10)A circle o' large rock slabs reached out from the statue, and a two long rocks lookin' like a fork and knife sat on either side. The pirates figur'd this had to be it.

(11) And everyone dig'd their butt off, fer it take a long time ta' dig with just spoons. (12)Finally, they hit' something hard. It be a rock. (13)Then they hit something hard again. This time it be an actual old treasure chest! (14)Bringing the chest outta the whole, the pirates gathered around to see history. It not be large. Just a tiny lockbox, but crafted with ornate Noodly Motiffs. (15)Slowly, Pici opened the little box peer'd inside. (16)All gasped to find a tiara, crafted outta a bright metal the color o' pasta, sitting within. Pici looked ta' the others and, with a cautious hand, sat the tiara down on head. (17)A breeze kicked up and the moon itself went black. The pirate lass an' her crew fell to the sand where they stood.

(18)Floatin' inna twinkly dreamworld o' dark swirly colors, the pirate lass did behold a miracle. The Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself materialized and spoke: (19)"Pici . . . For being such a rockin' awesome pirate and bringing My Pasta to so many diet-oppressed souls, I have for you a prize. You can now stay young forever and sail the seas as pirate as long as you want, and fight the Darwinists with a power like never before. The Beer Volcano is open to you, and you can sail back and forth as you please... (20)Oh. And, uh, Happy Halloween!"

(21)The vision ended and Pici found herself back at the shrine on the island. (22)Standing, Pici did look down at herself and gasp'd. (23)Her pirate outfit now be all black, gray, and purple, its edges bein' tattered. (24)Her hair and skin were white as Caribbean sand. (25)Her nails be now pitch black, and holding her hand up to the night sky, she could see straight through it. (26)And her whole body be enveloped in an azure corona. (27)Pici turned to her crew and saw the same had happened to them — black tattered clothes, black nails, chalk complexion, & blue aura.

(28)"Um... Captain? What happened?" Oliver asked in bewilderment as he waved his hand straight through his body.

(29)Pici stood there puzzled for a while, but then Euryka came upon her face. "Me fellow Pirates... What be the one thing that snatches people o'way from Science forever?"

(30)The crew thought it over, and soon all smiled after havin' figur'd out tha' answer. "That be correct!" Pici announced with pride, "A haunting! For what kinda pirate what be cooler than tha' ghost pirate?"

(31)The pirates murmured, then rabbled, then riproar'd happily with rejoicing. (32)"The Flyin' Spaghetti Monster has turned us inta' ghost pirates!!!111!!1" one of the unintroduced pirate lads yelled in celebration.

(33)And so with that the pirates kicked offa the ground and floated up inta th' air. (34)They zoomed across the sand with unnatural speed, and upon reachin' the water, took off, soaring like seagulls over the chopping waters to the Corzetti, which itself now gave off an otherworldly glow.

(35)Touching down right at the wheel, Pici ran her fingers along the steering wheel's handles. (36)"Lasses! Lads! All 'a ye whether ye wear cups under ye shirt or down in ye pants, hoist me yer ears!" the ghostly lass called out to her transparent crew, "We only be startin' our long list o' adventures. Let this night be the first o' an explosive wave of non-verifiable anecdotal testimonies of ghost & hauntings within the scientific community. And may Darwin himself check his closet fer us everynight at bedtime!" (37)The ghostly crew cheered. The ship's sails, now bein' black as night, unfurled and the caravel lurch'd forward.

(40)The Corzetti sailed out and then dove far beneath the waves, into the black abyss. (41)Her hair floating underwater, Pici took a deep breath o' the salty ocean, and it went right through her. She smiled in triumph o'er the sciencey laws o' physics. (42)They glided deeper into the watery darkness (it be really cold down thar, but they be ghosts so it felt kinda good). (43)At the bottom o' the Marina's Trench, the pirates did capture a Colossal Squid, and Kimiko kicked it in the [ink] sac. (44)And with their new pet they cooked a brand new dish — Squid Ink Pasta, noodles as black as Davy Jones' locker.

(45)But that not be the "fish" the ghostly girl captain had been talkin' of...

Chapter 8

(1)All was tranquil and calm as a piece o' drift wood aboard the sleeping research vessel. (2)One o' the scientists, a familiar middle-aged wench, walked out inta the darkened hallway fer a glass o' water. (3)Halfway ta' the galley, the woman's eye caught hint'a something metallic. (4)Approaching it, she realized it was a fork, floating in midair. (5)Before she could touch a cursed sciencey finger on it, the rest of Pici materialized in front of her. (6)Hovering in midair, Pici gave her flabbergasted mother a wink, and then faded away. (7)Her mother ran over ta' the lightswitch, and when the flourescent bulbs blinked on, her screams done awoke tha' whole crew. (8)On all o' the tables be dishes o' Squid Ink Pasta. (9)But of the Darwinist woman's daughter or her sailboat, there be no trace.

(10)Pirate Lass Pici and her Ghostly Crew sailed out inta' the black underwaters o' the world, addin' ta their ranks the souls o' those that drowned in their homework, (Or in water; that be countin' too) and givin' many o' harden'd Darwinists tha' fright o' their lives. (11)One by one, more an' more research vessels be startin' ta report ghostly visitations, and soon this done spread to universities, and then to physics laboratories, and so forth. (12)They flooded the world o' science with unprovable sightin's o' ghosts and non-reproducible anecdotal testimonies o' hauntin's, and the world o' science began to rot from the inside out. (13)Fer none o' the Darwinists that be haunted could continue their practice of the Dark Arts o' Science, fer they had observed in nature an instance o' the paranormal, and that paradoxic'lly gave 'em a scientific basis ta' distrust anythin' that be havin' a scientific basis.

(14)And that be... the Tale o' Pirate Lass Pici.

Author's NoteAt least . . . that be the Tale. I don't be knowin' how fill'd with facts it be. After all, it be comin' from a crazy ol' blue hair insistin' that her daughter's ghost done appear'd to her and told 'er all of noodles and piratin' adventures. All o' tha liscensed "psykolojists" say she be maniacal from tragic loss. But if that be so, how did she know about the island o' Ravioli afore it be discover'd and then quickly taken offa tha' maps jus' as fast? Where be she gettin' the wooden plaques with noodly borders, that did tell the tale from start ta' finish? And what do it mean when she warned that the "Loose Canon would sail again"? Thar be tales o' madness plenty, but just b'cause a story be non-verfiable and not havin' no evidence, dodn'a mean it have to be fiction. Aye?