The Eight Most Existentially Chilling Passages in *Us Weekly’*s Account of a Self-Proclaimed Six-Year-Old Millionaire

Don’t let its upbeat pink font and fluffy Kardashian features fool you—Us Weeklygenerates some of the most haunting, culturally damning reports on the crumbling American empire in the world. The latest bit of anti-U.S. propaganda surfaced on UsWeekly.com today in an article titled, “Toddlers & Tiaras Star Isabella Barrett Is a Millionaire at Age 6.” (Blogger’s note:Toddlers & Tiaras is the reality program on TLC that spawned Honey Boo Boo.) Hauntingly, Us Weekly does not base its headline on a Forbes report or a Variety figure but on the fact that the six-year-old shouted, “I’m a millionaire!” during a Good Morning America segment today. The most chilling, expatriation-inspiring sentences from the accompanying article below:

“The pint-sized cutie made headlines in 2012 when she called rival Paisley Dickey a ‘hooker’ for dressing up like Julia Roberts’ Pretty Woman character during a pageant.”

“Isabella now has a popular reality show in Germany and fronts her own company, Glitzy Girl, which sells jewelry, lip gloss and velour hoodies.”

“‘It’s nice that we can customize things to really raise money to really raise awareness,’ said [Isabella’s mother] Susanna, who lies [sic] in Cranston, Rhode Island.” [We will revisit this copyediting Freudian slip for years to come.]

“Isabella owns more than 60 pairs of shoes and has her own pageant room worth more than $100,000.”