So dumb...

I feel dumb for posting this. And embarassed. It is my first time openly talking about this in any kind of forum.

I play a game online, World of Warcraft. My husband and I joined a 'guild' which is a group of players in the game sharing a similar interest. I helped a girl who was sexually verbally abused in the game start a guild. I became her friend. She even sent me two quilts for each of my kids and I made her a personalized scrapbook. Things were good, but for some reason, it seemed people in the guild were starting to ignore me. I started noticing that she was like some kind of cult leader that everyone worshipped and it became too weird for me. I didn't want to be part of that weird group anymore, so I left the guild. I got messages from her in the game that were cussing me out. I got a 'real life' email from her saying horrible things, and that she hates me. I felt bad. I explained everything to my husband, then I found out that he actually sent her an email telling her she's the sweetest person he has ever met, and that he is going to miss her, and that he's so sorry for my insensitivity, and that I give him a hard time. It is almost like he fell in love with her.
Also, last year he hurt me severely by becoming addicted to porn. It was horrible because it was laced with lies. He kept saying he would stop, then he continued. One day I was even at church and before service started I texted him and told him I loved him, and he texted me back saying he loved me. Later I found out that at the exact time I messaged him, he was looking at characters in World of Warcraft naked. He downloaded a naked patch to make the characteres looks completely naked. I was hurt. This ruined our trust. I wanted to suicide last year but did not. I don't because I have this fear of going to Hell. Also, I have two kids that I love.
I love them with my heart, but my husband constantly makes me feel horrible about them. He was so mean to our daughter when she was a newborn. I had a baby last month, and he seems annoyed with this baby. He is rough wit him, and it's depressing. It's his own son and he doesn't show love toward him. In fact my husband has come up with nickname for our newborn that are beyond horrible and unloving. It is just too depressing.
Last night my husband and I had an argument over this woman he emailed. He kept defending her, he kept saying I was a horrible person for hurting her. He said I was a horrible mom because I had a hard time taking off my newborns' shirt and cutting his nails. I try to be so gentle and my husband made me feel awful for it. Yesterday I was feeding my 17 month old some chicken nuggets, and she made a cute sound, and I playfully repeated the sound, and my husband told me to STOP, because I was reinforcing bad behavior. He constantly tells me what is right and what is wrong. He is in the military, and sometimes I have wanted to call his first sergeat and tell him everything, but that would mean that I would lose my children's medical benefits if we were to get a divorce. Also, we just bought a house and a new car, and my family worked so hard to help us move in, and spent so much money along the way to help us move into this home.
My husbnad last night called me so many names. He was my best friend, so it hurts so much. And also I have been having problems producing breastmilk, but I had some saved in the freezer that I pumped, and yesterday he dumped breastmilk into the sink. I feel that it is the only remaining thing I am doing right in the world, forcing out some breastmilk for my son. It is my only redeeming grace, and he dumps it into the sink.

I am ready to leave this earth, leave my husband. I don't want to leave my kids, and that is why I'm still alive. I don't trust him with them, I don't know what would happen to them, and also I fear hell. A long time ago, my mom told me that killing yourself will not take you to God because after you die, you can't ask forgiveness. I am not sure what is true anymore. I don't think I can risk it, but I Think of dying everyday. I fantasize about death, about the different ways to die. I wish I can take a destructive habit and make it become part of my life so that I can experience this pain in a different way, through cutting or drinking. But again, I have children and I can't be irresponsible, and I need to respect them even though their father is so cruel to me and to my son.

I wonder if this seems petty to you as a reader. But it is a constant poison in my life...my husband's false smile, his false friendship and his cruelty. He is so mean to me. I used to be a strong person, who stood up for myself and never let anyone talk down to me. I used to be funny, adventurous, friendly, outgoing, social. I used to love dancing, love life, love fun. But now I feel like I am trapped underneat him and I am suffocating but not dying. I am not who I used to be, I just wish I could disappear. I have lost myself, and my hopes and dreams along the way.

You are not dumb your husband is the dumb ass. Is there noway to leave and start over Go to a relatives a shelter for women until you get on your feet again. He has attacked you emotionally and belittled your feelings Nothing is petty if it affects you in a manner that takes you self away. Leave this person and move on to someone who will cherish you and appreciate you. Let him have his fantasy world and his porno sites You deserve better your children deserve better. Military or not you have rights and he does not have the right to treat you this way. Talk to the military personnel and let them know you and your husband need marriage councilling if he does not agree to councilling then take your children and go to a shelter for women where they will protect all of you. Maybe then he will see your strength and realize he is not in control of you but you are in control.. Talk to your parents as well they will support you in this but get out now before he gets physical take your children and leave and then if he wants to talk tell him only after he agrees to councilling YOU are important and you deserve better as do your children

Thank you for finding the strength and courage to post all that you did. See you do still have some self worth, strength and even a little fight left in you. You posted and let others in on what is happening to you "behind closed doors." I say that because I think your husband is completely different when he has to be around others?

What he is doing is considered abuse. It is mental and emotional abuse. And hun not to scare you but generally men like that will eventually attempt or will get physically abusive as well. They keep wearing you down until you just cant stand up to them anymore. Then once they have worn you out mentally and emotionally they can get physically forceful too. You need to break the silence just like you did here. You need to talk to someone about it. Have you ever considered talking to the clergy at you church? Someone that you can be comfortable with and know that atleast at this point it wont involve anything more than talk. I'm horrible for assuming but I asume that you dont want to involve the military because it might make matters worse for you at this point in time. That you arent ready to take the steps that it may create.

But you do need to talk to someone. I lived in a very abusive marriage for almost 20 years. And it not only affected me but my children too. They are struggling now with many things they saw and were "taught" as right while we were married. If not the church then a family member you trust. Or find a support group in the area. Or call a local womens shelter. Hun there is so much resource and help available please believe me on that. I know you feel very alone but you arent if you can talk to even one other person. You will find so many members here that can try to help and support you through this.

You arent doing anything wrong. Keep that in your head please. He is the one making the mistakes here. Not you. You need to see and understand that. You're tired, overwhelmed and trying to deal with the children and all this by yourself. Maybe a few days at the shelter would work wonders for you. To be able to step out of the picture for a bit. See that there is other ways and things that you can do to help you and the kids. Be away from him and get a chance to find the person you used to be. I did, for a month. And I never imagined all the possibilities that were available to help us.

Sorry a lot of writing to basically say.... you arent alone. You're here where others will listen and try to help. And that there are many other options still waiting to be found. PM if you want to talk.