Out of Sorts

This time of year is really difficult for me. I guess you can say that part of it is the “empty nest” syndrome. So many things have changed and I miss some of them more than I care to admit.

Being a mom is one of the greatest treasures that life has to offer. I have three children (two boys and a girl) of my own and two step-children (one boy, one girl). Unfortunately, I do not get to see my own children. Someday, I will explain all of the details but even five years after the fact…I still tear up and develop an ever painful ache in my heart. No they haven’t died, but the loss I feel still hurts the same.

The step-children are grown. The daughter with a new family of her own. The son, we don’t see often.

Times have changed, as it always does. But, this house feels so quiet, so empty and it’s pointed out more during the holiday season. There are no more month of December crafting activities with the kids. No cookie baking, no popcorn strings, no excitement of getting Christmas gifts……

No one to hang the lights or decorate the tree. No one to listen and dance around the living room to Christmas music with. No class project Christmas Ornaments. No drives through the city to see the Christmas lights. There isn’t even the feeling of closeness that the holiday season usually brings.

I have tried all month to snag the holiday spirit. I just can’t seem to get a good firm grip on it! Yes, the tree is up and decorated. Yes, the two lone stockings are hung by the chimney with care….But, I didn’t do much other decorating this year. All of my plans that I had have evaporated into the unknown. I was hoping that Mr. Farmer would help me with them.

Mr. Farmer is a bit of a scrooge. His holiday shopping includes exciting gift cards for the kids and this year he is talking savings bonds for the granddaughters. Dull, boring and not very exciting. He even complained about me putting up the Christmas tree. His exact words were “I don’t know why you bothered. No one comes here.”

See, to me it doesn’t matter if anyone comes here. I just love sitting next to the tree in the middle of those restless nights when I can’t sleep. The twinkle of the lights glinting off the hanging ornaments is beautiful and one of the seasons greatest treasures.

I sit here typing, realizing that my biggest problem is that I feel alone. Everything I do for the holidays isn’t done with family or friends. I decorate alone. I bake and cook alone. I do most of the chores alone. Most of the year, that doesn’t bother me. I guess it is just something about this time of year that makes me want to surround myself with family and friends, laughter and memories, good food and happy times.

Ugg…How depressing is this post? I will leave with happier tidings……..

To all of you out there that are surrounded by family and friends:
Merry Christmas! Make memories that will last a lifetime this holiday season!

Nature’s gifts of the seasons are like opening brightly colored packages, loosely tied with crinkled ribbon.