Wondering Conserative

Did you really think it was necessary to take that cheap misdirected shot at Republicans in your last column? You said, ”Instead, he’s opting for fig-leaf morality, the kind invented by Republicans and evangelists who preach family values‚ while figuring out how to slip into the whorehouse without anybody noticing.” I’m a moderate Republican, open about my sexuality, and I have always been faithful to my boyfriends. I’ve had two boyfriends…

Hey Woody!

Did you really think it was necessary to take that cheap misdirected shot at Republicans in your last column? You said, ”Instead, he’s opting for fig-leaf morality, the kind invented by Republicans and evangelists who preach family values‚ while figuring out how to slip into the whorehouse without anybody noticing.” I’m a moderate Republican, open about my sexuality, and I have always been faithful to my boyfriends. I’ve had two boyfriends cheat on me. One guy I started dating told me he wanted to be exclusive then tricked the very next week. But instead of cheating to get even as most gay guys seem to enjoy doing, I broke up with them because I lost their respect.

I doubt the married men who frequent bathhouses and bookstores and whorehouses are all Republicans. It was President Clinton –a Democrat –who had sex in the Oval Office behind Hillary’s back. And it was President Kennedy – a Democrat –who is now famous for his marital infidelities.

I’ve been reading your articles for a while and you’re better than the cheap shots you gave us republicans. Try writing something that will bring our community together, not drive it apart.

– A Compassionate Conservative

Dear Compassionate Conservative:

If I hear one more person complain that I don’t “bring the community together” I’m going to cough up a cow. Yeah, I can’t think of a better place to bring a community together than a column that gives good butt-f*cking advice. Please.

As for you, you hand-wringing, bed-wetting, Barbie-kissing wuss, I stand by my Republican insults. I loathe sexual hypocrisy the way Miss Congeniality loathes Miss America. And nobody does sexual hypocrisy better than your precious Republican leaders. You mention Clinton and Kennedy. Whores? Yes. Hypocrites? No. A hypocrite is somebody who says one thing and does another. They may have f*cked the nearest thing with tits and teeth but they NEVER claimed to be moral examples to follow. Clinton and Kennedy never tried to ruin other men for sexual behavior they themselves were engaging in.

Democrats aren’t any better than Republicans in the monogamy department, but they’re better about limiting the harm they cause to their families. Not Republicans. They harm everyone else with their affairs. How? By teaching us a “Do as I say not as I do” arrogance. By creating distrust and suspicion of anyone who has something worth saying about monogamy. Just how the hell is anybody supposed to believe in the value of monogamy when the loudest proponents of it are committing adultery?

So here’s my advice to you. You want community building? Talk to a developer. You want funny, insulting sex advice? Stay put.

Hey, Woody!

I’ve heard so many people talk about crystal meth and HIV. Why would somebody having sex on meth be more prone to getting HIV than someone who’s just drunk?

— Wondering

Dear wondering:

The most effective way for HIV to enter your body is through sores and tears in the anus. And the best way of getting sores and tears is to fuck on a drug that desensitizes your body. If you lose your normal threshold for pain you’re going to have rougher sex to get the same sensation. If the drug delays ejaculation (which meth does in a big way) it means you’re going to have rough sex for a much longer time than you normally would.

Add to that the inability to think clearly and suddenly the thought, “fuck with a condom” turns into “fuck the condom.” And that’s why meth and sex can be such a dangerous combination. Be clear about one thing, though. Alcohol desensitizes the body and mugs the brain, too. If you’re going to use a drug—legal or illegal—use just enough to gain a good buzz without losing your ability to choose safe sex.