Ex-Etiquette: Step-siblings admit to attraction

Q. My husband and I have been married for six years. He has four children, and I have three. My oldest, a daughter, 24, is divorced and has two children. My stepson is 20 and in college. Yesterday they told us that they have been attracted to each other for years and want to pursue a relationship Â? and that they had sex years ago, before she was married. My husband and I are angry and embarrassed. How do we handle this situation?

A. Let us assure you that you are not alone. Although many might think that couples face this when the kids are teens, we hear about it mostly after the fact. The attraction seems to start when they are teens, but it isn't talked about until the kids are older and their parents have no say in their decision to spend time together.

The embarrassment you feel is probably related to your fear that their relationship might be perceived as incestuous. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, "a relationship is regarded as incestuous when there is sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry." Although most would feel the relationship between your daughter and stepson is inappropriate, now that they are adults, it is not forbidden by law.

There's more here than "being attracted to each other for years and wanting to pursue a relationship." Your daughter, who has two kids (who should be her primary concern), is attracted to a 20-year-old guy who probably has no idea what he is going to do with his life. He's taking on being a father figure, and they are both taking on the social stigma of being involved with a step-sibling. If your daughter's ex-husband is fighting for custody, this is the sort of thing that could sway things.

To be blunt, we think they're letting their hormones get away from them. Even if they were not related by marriage, it is doubtful that a 24-year-old woman with two children and a 20-year-old college student make the best match.

If there's a nasty breakup, family get-togethers will be awkward Â? not to mention how their parting might affect your relationship with your husband if you take sides.

Our advice is to raise these concerns with them, and if they still want to go forward, handle it by being honest when discussing the situation. No need to volunteer a bunch of information that may embarrass your family Â? but when confronted, don't lie. Lies just create more lies.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husbandÂ?s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are authors of Â?Ex-Etiquette for ParentsÂ? and founders of Bonus Families.