Footage has emerged of Lana Del Rey playing a rape victim in a short film shot by Eli Roth, the creep who made all the Hostel torture porn movies. It vaguely ties into a Marylin Manson project. Basically those two guys wanted to shoot a bunch of fucked up shit including a rape scene and thought they’d figure it out later. You never know when you might need a good rape scene. The staged rape footage was stashed after everyone on the set fucked and came down from their Ketamine highs and only reappeared recently. Roth once mentioned it to Larry King, passing off his lack of action as an attempt to shield the masses from his earth shattering art:

“The footage is so sick, it’s been locked in a vault for over a year.”

By locked in a vault do you mean saved on a flash drive at your house in the valley next to the basket of dog toys? At this point this pseudo Goth shit is only fooling the ten people in Hollywood who still think its’ cool and three of them are involved in this video. The rest of us have moved on. We know Marilyn Manson is Brian from Ohio. Nobody gives a shit. This isn’t Berlin pre-Internet. Pull your heads out of your asses.

Lana Del Rey may just be the world’s most boring interview. Having spent most of her teen school years intoxicated with sad poetry and booze, she seems to have been shortchanged in the conversational skills department. She knew she needed a good hook for her Complex interview, so she dropped the fact that she’s fucked a good number of music industry people through the years. That’s at least a something.

You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.

It’s not super intriguing, but the proud slut archetype is certainly more appealing than her usual Dead Poets Society angst at almost 30.

Lana Del Rey often gets criticized by feminist groups because she doesn’t punish men enough for wanting to get laid. Also, because feminist groups have to constantly criticize to avoid the overwhelming sensation of hunger from starving their body of meats and cheeses. But Lana ignores their shit. She’d rather tattoo pointless slogans like ‘trust no one’ and the names of famous poets and literary characters on her body so the record producers have something to look at while banging her. It’s a simple life she seems to enjoy. Except for that part where she says she wishes she were dead like Kurt Cobain. But when girls from Connecticut boarding schools glorify suicide, they usually do it without heroin coursing through their veins and a loaded shotgun in the room.

This weekend’s wedding between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West in Florence, Italy is supposed to be a small, personal affair that will only feature the closest of friends and family, and probably two chairs for Rob Kardashian. Of course, small and personal doesn’t mean humble or understated, because among the many luxuries that are bound to be revealed along the way, Lana Del Rey has been booked to sing her song “Young and Beautiful” for the special couple. According to Mirror, after Lana previously declined Kanye’s offer to perform at his baseball stadium engagement, she has now accepted six figures for the wedding, because self-respect and art don’t mean shit when it comes to pocketing that dirty sex tape money.

Lana Del Rey is pretty damn boring. When she used to be known as Lizzy Grant, the shy really boring singer, it was kind of like, hell, she’s shy and boring and that’s okay because she can sing not super horrible and she seems real. I don’t know who said that, but I imagine it was a bunch of people who go to sign-up shows in the Village and applaud anything retro and non-commercially viable. But now that she’s become Lana Del Rey, with all the new looks and shapes and persona that came with it, she has to be judged against the landscape of virtual circus girls and stage strippers that round out her profession. And by that standard, she comes up like a dried sponge. Miley Cyrus may look like the tattered knitted rape doll they leave in the cages with the male monkeys in heat to keep from assaulting each other, but at least she’s not dull. Lana Del Rey is boring, so they’re getting her to take her clothes off more in her music videos in hopes that people won’t nod off so much like they do when she speaks. It seems to be working. Her conveniently ‘leaked’ new track ahead of her album release is playing all over the Internet reminding many people how amazing her music is to drop a deuce by. I listened to the entire track and was rewarded by shitting out the stubborn remnants of a fast food burrito I ate in 2003. Lana Del Rey could be a thing. But she’ll need to ditch the bra.

Girl who have tattoos around their pubes are hot. I don’t care what the tattoo is. It tells the world, I had a guy with a needle inking some shit above my privates so that you can see it when you take off my pants. It also tells the world you’re a girl who got drunk and hates her daddy. That will make you popular with the boys.

Lana Del Rey has been described as a lounge singer, Sinatra-esque, kitschy, old-school, and throwback. If I were her promoter I’d push to have her described as the chick with tattoo above her pussy. Much better sell.

Lana Del Rey did a cover of Nirvana’s ‘Heart Shaped Box’ during a concert in Sydney last week, and though it’s down now, Courtney Love–pardon me–Courtney Love Cobain, went on twitter today to smugly ask if Lana even knows what the song is about. And then explained it was about her vagina. The phrase ‘heart shaped box’ refers to a ladies vagina. Who would have guessed.

After that she said Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze and Bruce Willis is a ghost. The theme was: things drunk heroin addicts find amazing but everyone else figured out 15 years ago.