Empowerment

I’ve been considering going public for a while now. Here’s what I might say if I end up going public in a Facebook post. The first draft can be found here.

“There’s a secret I’ve been keeping for a long time. I’ve kept it to myself for fear that I will become defined by what happened to me in the eyes of others. I’ve feared that people will say that it’s not a big deal. That I need to just get over it. That I’m just sharing my story for attention. Well, it is a big deal and it’s okay not to be over it. And you know what? I do want attention — not for me but for the issue at hand. I want people to stop and think about the society we live in. Because what happened to me is not acceptable. I also choose to do this because I feel it’s right to hide such a big part of myself from those I love. After all, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

You’ve heard the statistic that approximately one in four women (and one in six men) have survived sexual assault.

I’ve been considering going public for a while now. Here’s what I might say if I end up going public in a Facebook post:

“There’s a secret I’ve been keeping for a long time. I’ve kept it to myself for fear that I will become defined by what happened to me in the eyes of others. I’ve feared that people will say that it’s not a big deal. That I need to just get over it. That I’m just sharing my story for attention. Well, it is a big deal and it’s okay not to be over it. And you know what? I do want attention. I want people to stop and think about the society we live in. Because what happened to me is not acceptable.

You’ve heard the statistic that approximately one in four women have survived sexual assault.

“In 1996, Thordis Elva shared a teenage romance with Tom Stranger, an exchange student from Australia. After a school dance, Tom raped Thordis, after which they parted ways for many years. In this extraordinary talk, Elva and Stranger move through a years-long chronology of shame and silence, and invite us to discuss the omnipresent global issue of sexual violence in a new, honest way. For a Q&A with the speakers, visit go.ted.com/thordisandtom.”

I watched the video below a while ago (big trigger warning because of the descriptions of sexual assault) and made the mistake of venturing into the comments section afterward. I found the comment in the picture below and responded to the jerk as best I could. I’d taken a screenshot of it and just came across it now, almost two years later. I’d almost forgotten about this!

Last fall I got to a point where I was just sick of being a survivor — sick of triggers, sick of the exhausting recovery process, sick of it all. I lost my patience with the whole thing. I just wanted to be “okay” already. My motivation was all but gone. And then within the last two weeks I had two important changes in perspective:

Important Definitions

- Sexual assault: any unwanted/non-consensual sexual activity. More information here.
- Rape: Sexual assault involving penetration.
- Consent: affirmative, sober, voluntary, unambiguous, verbal permission to engage in a specific sexual activity at a certain time. It can be withdrawn at any time and cannot be assumed under any circumstances. More information here.
- Trigger: anything that reminds a person of a traumatic memory in someone who has experienced trauma, often related to the five senses. They can cause flashbacks, anxiety, feeling disconnected, anger, feeling defensive, tenseness, feeling negative thoughts, etc. More information here.
- Rape Culture: a culture in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality. Examples here.