This Week's Leaders in African American Weddings

XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?

Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride
has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living
together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it
clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the
honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a
honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still
want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting
one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not
sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the
thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash
seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I
thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open
up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no
gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with
sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the
honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I
don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a
shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want
to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways
around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to
create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She
could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a
cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature
frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical
gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small
people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you
think so?

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this
idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

Re: XP Bridal Shower with No Registry?

Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride
has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living
together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it
clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the
honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a
honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still
want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting
one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not
sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the
thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash
seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I
thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open
up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no
gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with
sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the
honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I
don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a
shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want
to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways
around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to
create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She
could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a
cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature
frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical
gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small
people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you
think so?

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this
idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

Not having a registry makes it almost impossible to host a shower, which is by definition, a gift giving event. Dictating to guests that they may only bring one designated cash gift is the HEIGHT of rude and improper.

People can and often will gift cash as a wedding gift, but showers are for physical gifts. If the bride does not want to create a wedding registry, she should forego a shower. Explain to the BM's that if they throw such an incredibly tacky shower, it will reflect poorly on the bride. No one in their right mind would want to do something that makes their friend look rude and tacky.

If they insist on having a shower with no registry, explain that the bride may end up receiving gifts for which she has no need or interest. Why would they waste the time and money of the bride's nearest and dearest?

Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride
has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living
together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it
clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the
honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a
honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still
want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting
one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not
sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the
thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash
seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I
thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open
up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no
gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with
sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the
honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I
don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a
shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want
to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways
around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to
create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She
could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a
cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature
frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical
gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small
people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you
think so?

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this
idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

Not having a registry makes it almost impossible to host a shower, which is by definition, a gift giving event. Dictating to guests that they may only bring one designated cash gift is the HEIGHT of rude and improper.

People can and often will gift cash as a wedding gift, but showers are for physical gifts. If the bride does not want to create a wedding registry, she should forego a shower. Explain to the BM's that if they throw such an incredibly tacky shower, it will reflect poorly on the bride. No one in their right mind would want to do something that makes their friend look rude and tacky.

If they insist on having a shower with no registry, explain that the bride may end up receiving gifts for which she has no need or interest. Why would they waste the time and money of the bride's nearest and dearest?

While registering for gifts might make it easier for shower guests to decide what to give the bride, and while the bride should not agree to a shower if she doesn't want physical gifts, there is no etiquette requirement that the bride register or otherwise pre-select all her gifts in order to have a shower, so I think that the bolded is a stretch. Showers took place years before gift registries were created.

Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride
has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living
together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it
clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the
honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a
honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still
want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting
one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not
sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the
thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash
seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I
thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open
up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no
gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with
sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the
honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I
don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a
shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want
to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways
around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to
create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She
could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a
cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature
frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical
gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small
people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you
think so?

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this
idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

Not having a registry makes it almost impossible to host a shower, which is by definition, a gift giving event. Dictating to guests that they may only bring one designated cash gift is the HEIGHT of rude and improper.

People can and often will gift cash as a wedding gift, but showers are for physical gifts. If the bride does not want to create a wedding registry, she should forego a shower. Explain to the BM's that if they throw such an incredibly tacky shower, it will reflect poorly on the bride. No one in their right mind would want to do something that makes their friend look rude and tacky.

If they insist on having a shower with no registry, explain that the bride may end up receiving gifts for which she has no need or interest. Why would they waste the time and money of the bride's nearest and dearest?

While registering for gifts might make it easier for shower guests to decide what to give the bride, and while the bride should not agree to a shower if she doesn't want physical gifts, there is no etiquette requirement that the bride register or otherwise pre-select all her gifts in order to have a shower, so I think that the bolded is a stretch. Showers took place years before gift registries were created.

Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride
has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living
together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it
clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the
honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a
honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still
want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting
one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not
sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the
thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash
seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I
thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open
up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no
gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with
sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the
honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I
don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a
shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want
to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways
around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to
create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She
could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a
cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature
frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical
gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small
people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you
think so?

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this
idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

Not having a registry makes it almost impossible to host a shower, which is by definition, a gift giving event. Dictating to guests that they may only bring one designated cash gift is the HEIGHT of rude and improper.

People can and often will gift cash as a wedding gift, but showers are for physical gifts. If the bride does not want to create a wedding registry, she should forego a shower. Explain to the BM's that if they throw such an incredibly tacky shower, it will reflect poorly on the bride. No one in their right mind would want to do something that makes their friend look rude and tacky.

If they insist on having a shower with no registry, explain that the bride may end up receiving gifts for which she has no need or interest. Why would they waste the time and money of the bride's nearest and dearest?

While registering for gifts might make it easier for shower guests to decide what to give the bride, and while the bride should not agree to a shower if she doesn't want physical gifts, there is no etiquette requirement that the bride register or otherwise pre-select all her gifts in order to have a shower, so I think that the bolded is a stretch. Showers took place years before gift registries were created.

I'm going to disagree that my comment was a stretch.

So let's agree to disagree. I still don't think it is "impossible" or "rude" to have a shower without a registry.

If it's a shower and the bride and groom choose not to do a registry, then they need to accept that they're going to get a lot of random stuff they can never return as it'll be personalized or not come with a gift receipt. People consider HM registries the epitome of rude AND there's a percentage that is paid to the company instead of the couple which is how the HM registry companies stay in business.

It would be much better to call this a "Bridal Luncheon" or "Bridal Tea" than a shower if the bride has no plans to register. It makes zero difference if they've been living together for a decade on whether or not to register, it's a cautionary tale because there are people who will only give physical gifts and not the cash she wants.

Hi everyone. I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding. The bride
has chosen not to register, as she and her fiance are already living
together and have everything they need for their home. They've made it
clear that the only thing they would like is money toward the
honeymoon. I'm not 100% sure, but I think they may have set up a
honeymoon registry.

The problem is, the other bridesmaids still
want to throw her a bridal shower and I'm sure the bride is expecting
one. Honestly, I would love to throw her a bridal shower, but I'm not
sure how that works if you're not registered anywhere. I mean, the
thought of inviting people to a bridal shower and just requesting cash
seems so rude and seems like such a breach of etiquette to me. Also, I
thought the whole point of a bridal shower was to watch the bride open
up gifts. If people are giving to a honeymoon fund, there would be no
gifts to open.

The other bridesmaids seem to see no problem with
sending invitations out requesting cash gifts and/or donations to the
honeymoon fund. I just can't get behind it. But at the same time, I
don't want to cause a problem and I don't want the bride to not get a
shower. I don't know the other bridesmaids well at all and I don't want
to make anyone mad or upset.

I've been trying to think of ways
around this. I've tried hinting to the bride that maybe she wants to
create a small registry just of things she'll need for the wedding. She
could register for picture frames and albums for wedding pictures, a
cake topper, toasting glasses, cake serving set, guest book or signature
frame, aisle runner, etc. That way guests who want to give a physical
gift can do so. I'm also thinking that if her registry is really small
people will probably take the hint that she mainly wants cash, do you
think so?

However, I don't know if the bride will go for this
idea. She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

Not having a registry makes it almost impossible to host a shower, which is by definition, a gift giving event. Dictating to guests that they may only bring one designated cash gift is the HEIGHT of rude and improper.

People can and often will gift cash as a wedding gift, but showers are for physical gifts. If the bride does not want to create a wedding registry, she should forego a shower. Explain to the BM's that if they throw such an incredibly tacky shower, it will reflect poorly on the bride. No one in their right mind would want to do something that makes their friend look rude and tacky.

If they insist on having a shower with no registry, explain that the bride may end up receiving gifts for which she has no need or interest. Why would they waste the time and money of the bride's nearest and dearest?

While registering for gifts might make it easier for shower guests to decide what to give the bride, and while the bride should not agree to a shower if she doesn't want physical gifts, there is no etiquette requirement that the bride register or otherwise pre-select all her gifts in order to have a shower, so I think that the bolded is a stretch. Showers took place years before gift registries were created.

I'm going to disagree that my comment was a stretch.

So let's agree to disagree. I still don't think it is "impossible" or "rude" to have a shower without a registry.

She seems adamant about no registry. So if she forgoes the
registry, what are my options? It seems they're going ahead with the
shower with or without me and I really don't want to let the bride
down. Is there any less rude way of doing this? Maybe we can send
invitations out with no registry info, no mention of cash or gifts at
all, and then if people ask we can tell them, "Oh, Bride has not
actually registered, but she is saving up for a honeymoon!" Something
along those lines maybe? Any advice or suggestions are greatly
appreciated! I really want to make everyone happy without being rude to
the guests!

The bolded is exactly what to do for the wedding. Showers, on the other hand, are for physical gifts only so this nudge toward money is not applicable. No one wants to sit around watching the bride count cash or... whatever you do to accept contributions to a (barf) honeymoon registry. Click buttons I guess.

I suggest steering the bridal party away from a shower and toward a bridal luncheon/tea which is not a gift-giving event and will eliminate all this awkwardness entirely.

If a shower is absolutely insisted upon, my suggestion is to have it themed in order to give guests a guide and avoid the bride getting random unwanted gifts. One theme I've heard of is "date night" ideas (eg, movie tix + popcorn or a board game or wine + cheese). Another is to have the guests write down a favourite family recipe to share.

Agreed with PPs that showers are for physical gifts, so there should be no mention that they are saving for a honeymoon or otherwise on the shower invite, or even if asked what to gift for the shower. Your options are -1) Send the invites without any registry information. Guests will either figure out this means they’re on their own for picking a gift or they’ll ask, in which case you can inform them there’s no registry and then they’ll figure out that they know they’re on their own for picking out a gift. 2) As the PP said, create a theme for gifts and note that on the invite. You will probably want to ask the bride her thoughts on theme first, but some ideas include...

Agreed with PPs that showers are for physical gifts, so there should be no mention that they are saving for a honeymoon or otherwise. Your options are -1) Send the invites without any registry information. Guests will either figure out this means they’re on their own for picking a gift or they’ll ask, in which case you can inform them there’s no registry and then they’ll figure out that they know they’re on their own for picking out a gift. 2) As the PP said, create a theme for gifts and note that on the invite. You will probably want to ask the bride her thoughts on theme first, but some ideas include...