Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Sunflowers On A Rainy Day.

I've been thinking about my depression lately and how it's affected my life. I'm not depressed anymore, but now I'm at a place where I can look back with clearer eyes on this post.

It's hard for me to believe I thought about killing myself. Of course, I would have never gone through with it but it's scary to see from a safe place now how troubled I was. Dealing with OCD was a whole different ball game and depression was one much different, much harder to pinpoint and squash than my OCD.

Often times I stigmatize myself as a crazy person because I suffer from these mental disorders. I wonder and ponder how anyone could want such a twisted, dark person as myself. A girl who thought about suicide, a girl who is sad most of the time, a girl who's worst fear in the world is something as simple as throwing up. Sometimes I can't even stand myself and the way I am. I wish I were different. I wish I could change things. I wish I wasn't, well....crazy.

But a friend showed me this site a few weeks ago called Bring Change 2 Mind. It's a support site for people who suffer from all sorts of mental disorders; OCD, Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and many more. And I found so much refuge in it because it made me feel not so crazy, not to alone in all this like I often feel. I know so many people out there suffer from mental disorders but often, it can seem like you're the only one going through the darkness.

It took me awhile to not be ashamed of my OCD, and it's going to take me awhile to not be ashamed of my depression. I think all the time how different and better (?) my life would be if I didn't have these diseases. The people I wouldn't have scared away, the things I could have done, the feelings I didn't have to feel. But I've slowly been coming to terms with this depression and how it makes me who I am and what I am.

It makes me a strong individual who's been through a lot and can appreciate happiness so much more. It's made me realize that the people who have stayed in my life and supported me with my depression are the ones worth sticking to. And the feelings I've felt...? They've helped me develop into this girl who I'm actually proud to know and I've gotten to know her better.

Don't be ashamed of your illness. Whether it's mental or physical. You're not crazy, you're not weak. You're just you; and that's enough.

16 comments

Lauren, I was so very happy to read this post! You sound like you are getting a good handle on things and are doing a bit better, which I'm thrilled to hear. (Eep, now I feel like a dipstick for emailing you, but I am so happy to see that you are okay.) Depression really can be a beast, but I am so proud of you for realizing this a working through it and to be honest, I'm happy you are sharing this part on your blog. Depression can be such a shaming thing, it's not not something anyone wants to bring up or admit. It's one of those things that there needs to be more honest conversations about.

Adore you dear and I am just so happy to see that you are doing better.

PS- That outift is fabulous. Those boots, I would have never guessed that they were old navy.

I just read your linked post and I'm so sad. So so sad. Unfortunately, two years ago, my sister killed herself and I only wish that she had done what you did. Called someone and talked her out of it. I don't even know you, but I'm so thankful you called your mom and you talked. I know that those feelings can become so possessive of your soul and foul your mind into incomprehensible things. And I'm so glad you were/are able to get help from those who love you.

I am not one of those who minimizes the words that come from people's mouths. People's cries for help come in all various forms and it's so easy to turn your head and choose to ignore it. After my sister, it has become even more of a mission for me to "hear" people.

It may be hard to see and no amount of anyone telling you that you're worth it can change your mind, but a lot of your feelings you write about remind me of myself when I was younger and I truly didn't understand what it was until I discovered it was depression. And I just have to say that you can get through this. I promise. I can't even imagine not being where I am now. With my beautiful son and husband and enjoying life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. And I know that with the passage of time, you will get there. I know you will.

I applaud you each and every time you bare your soul with strangers on the internet. Opening your mind to those who can ridicule you and tear you down. But also allowing strangers to console you. And I hope that you see me as one of them. :) You are so worth it, Lauren, and I promise you it will get better. <3

In other news, I love your dress and your hair like that is incredibly cute. <3

I just started following you a few days ago, but I was so inspired by your honesty (plus your amazing clothing style), I pretty much read your entire blog in one night.I can't wait to see how college changes you and how your life will improve, because of course it will :)

I'm so happy you are in a better place now Lauren. Whenever I feel depressed I try and remember that 1 in 3 people deals with mental illness at some point in their life. Have you considered approaching your colleges counselling service? They might have meetings where you can go along and meet other people who are dealing with their own things. Having a support system of people who understand what you are going through might make it easier if you are feeling low again in the future.

I am a new reader and I just have to tell you how much I already love your blog. Your vulnerability within your posts is staggering and beautiful, not only in style but in content as well. I'm so glad I found your blog and cannot wait to continue to become inspired by you!

You know my thoughts on your depression and reassured, you are not crazy, you're someone who's had a lot to deal with. I get anxious about things and it frustrates me but then I have to look with fresh eyes each day and see me the way God sees me. The sunflowers are very pretty

You are not the only one with crazy fears. I want to run screaming away whenever someone says their stomach hurts. I'd rather be sick myself than be around anyone who is sick. I have been afraid of everyday stuff like ordering through the drive through. I had some OCD problems as a teenager but not as serious as yours (although I did have suicidal thoughts but those were mostly over a boy and were not related to the OCD I don't think and they were more suicidal wishes than thoughts because I hate pain and believe in hell), but I THINK I can see perhaps, PERHAPS a teeny pinpoint of what you feel.

My heart leaped when I read this post! I'm so glad that you are feeling a little bit better and that you are feeling stronger and more confident. Never thought you were crazy, just saw a beautiful and wonderful person, who is super kind and has wonderful fashion. :)

I’m Lauren. A 24 year old Ohioan living in Brooklyn, NY and the blogger behind this nook of the internet. This is the place where I write out my soul, bare my heart, and welcome you to do the same. Grab a warm cup of something and stay awhile. x