Holy shit. Tom Jones is THE FUCKIN’ MAN! He’s sold more than 100 million albums, partied with Elvis and may have taken Elivra, Mistress of the Dark’s virginity.

This guy has had affairs with everyone from Miss World to yo mama, all while remaining married to his wife for more than 50 years! And even with all his sordid affairs, he remains a gentleman. From Wikipedia:

His philandering once led his wife to beat him black and blue. She snapped after reading about one infidelity in a newspaper. She punched and kicked him, but Jones did not fight back: “I took it.” Jones said.

I know some bros out there might be saying, “Maybe Tom Jones USED to kill it, but theres no way he can help me kill it now.” Nonsense. Just spin his collaboration with The Cardigans covering The Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House” at your next party. I promise everyone will be grooving.

I’m taking the LSAT tomorrow and now find myself wondering: What would Tom Jones do? While i know i wont be able to seduce my proctor with my super sexy voice, I am gonna make that test my mistress.

Sorry The Tokyo Think Tank wasn’t cranking out hot new material for you this weekend, but we’re back and ready to serve you more than ever! Let’s get down to business!!!

Confession: I love pokemon (I’m not sure there’s a better job than that of a snorlax)

Confession 2: After a long day of tailgating and daydrinking that began at 9 in the morning and ended around 3 a.m. the next day, i forced myself to stay up from 4:30 to 6 a.m. to watch “Pokemon: The First Movie” on tv. One hundred percent worth it. I posit that the scene where pikachu’s tears wept for his fallen trainer actually revive the young Ash Ketchum, providing Mewtwo with the catalyst for his own epiphany, is one of the most moving scenes in cinema history. But anyway…

One of The Tokyo Think Tank’s consultants recently brought this video to my attention:

Similar to other popular gaming and cartoon franchises getting grimy, gritty reboots (see: Mortal Kombat), this fan-fiction trailer for “Pokemon Apokelypse” paints a dark, macabre pokemon universe that makes its hard to tell whether some of the material is tongue-in-cheek or not (i mean, as gritty as the trailer is, it’s still pokemon).

Whatever the case, if this were a real movie i would see it TWICE in theatres. Props to the fans who made this trailer. Thank you for letting me continue to live out my lifelong dream of “catching them all.”

Walk into a crowded room. Start a conversation about favorite animals. I guarantee you at least one person will say dolphin. It’s always happened, it always will.

I’ve always been a little skeptical when people start gushing over dolphins. I mean, sure, flipper was cool and all, probably pretty smart too. But if you can teach a bear to warn people about forest fires, you can probably get a dolphin to jump out of the water. (Smokey IS real. Seen him)

If someone said to me, “Dolphins are friendly and intelligent creatures,” i wouldnt retort, “Friendly and intelligent on rye bread with some mayonnaise.” I just never understood what about these animals would make those weirdos in elementary school get the super bright and colorful folders and notebooks with dolphins all over them.

Holy shit. These fuckers are the einsteins of the oceans. Their behavior is extremely advanced and complex. Put a few of them together to make a pod and they’re fuckin’ unstoppable. And they have sex for reasons other than reproduction. I take every mean thing i ever said about you back, dolphins.

Keeping with Tokyo Think Tank’s tried and true tradition (alliteration, fuck yeah) of bringing awesome shit to your attention, i proudly present to you some of the hippest fat cats in mainstream media and pop culture: The cast of Pawn Stars.

Essentially “Antiques Road Show” on steroids with snaking fat goons instead of certified appraisers, “Pawn Stars” has transformed these humble hogs into famous fat fellows. (side note: i think its entirely possible that Rex Ryan is a long-lost pawn stars family member. Think about it: fat. retarded. likes to talk A LOT).

I think the greatest part about Pawn Stars is that it shows fat guys that aside from the hard part of collecting capital, they can make an awesome living by being fat, collecting awesome shit and ripping off others for the awesome shit they want. Dream Life.

Wikipedia fucking rahhhhcks. I’m pretty sure I’ve learned more from this Web site than in any bullshit college lecture. Anyone who says that wikipedia is not a valid source of information is a moron. Oh what’s that 11th grade history teacher Mr. Kassan? You say wikipedia doesnt count as a source? Well, little do you know all the information i used in my paper on how Muhammad Ali impacted American culture came DIRECTLY FROM WIKIPEDIA. And what did i get on that paper? A+ mothafucka.

.

I feel i have a civic duty to pass on to you readers some of the most informative, entertaining and bizarre wikipedia pages i have come across in my search for knowledge. Awesome wikipedias will be a recurring column that will hopefully educate the population on some real interesting shit.

.

Today’s awesome wikipedia: Old Person Smell. I was doing some research on baseball statistics and wanted to read up on On-base plus slugging, commonly abbreviated as OPS. When i typed OPS into wikipedia, i was brought to a disambiguation page featuring 2-nonenal, also known as “Old Person Smell”. Give the article a read. It gives scientific explanation to why old people have that weird smell they do. Now, next time you’re around some smelly old person you can remark, “Damn granny, get your 2-Nonenal in check,” with snideness and scientific accuracy.