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Dispatches from the front line…

The Anna Raccoon Archives

by Anna Raccoon on May 7, 2010

Delicious scenes of chaos here in Cambridge

Just as we arrived for the count at 10pm, the theatre next door to the council offices emptied – 500 “Frankenfurter’s” disgorged from the Rocky Horror show – you couldn’t make it up! Every transvestite in Cambridge in high heels and fishnet stockings crowded round Old Holborn, none too happy at the competition!

We have now retired to the Council counting rooms and commandeered the Chief Executive’s private suite complete with his wide screen television and his exceptionally comfortable chairs – we shouldn’t be disturbed, someone conveniently left an ‘Interview in Progress – Do Not Disturb’ sign there, which is now firmly on the door. Other candidates’ agents may be neurotically monitoring the count, but we are watching Toenails trying to explain his way out of an election shambles that would have disgraced Afghanistan.

Question: if the returning officer knows how many votes there are in the constituency, how can he fail to have sufficient ballot papers, unless he has sent out too many postal votes? Expect a further report in the early hours of the morning.

Does postal vote fraud tend to be getting extra names on the electoral roll or fraudulently getting some unsuspecting voter onto postal voting without their knowledge? The former wouldn’t result in a shortage but the latter would.

It will take weeks to sort out all this voting mess. The last minute registering to vote ( with 2 bed flats suddenly housing 12 people etc ) probably overwhelmed the system. The leader of the electoral commission said she had been warning the government for years about the problem of an ageing ballot system yet I’ve never heard or seen her before ( and I would have noticed her as she’s a looker ). Why wasn’t she in the media warning us all about the creaking election system months ago ? To suddenly say ‘it wasn’t me it was them’ and that she knew it would happen but no one would listen is a resigning matter. Democracy is too important for these idiots to be in charge.

Goodluck Jonathan Cameron should march straight into number ten, media in tow, up to Brown’s bedroom, pull the mattress from under the sleeping slob and bundle him out into the street in just his underpants and say, now push off cuckoo, dust off his hands, walk back inside, turn to the cameras for a second with a wave and shut the door behind him and start clearing up this rats nest of a country.

Shame about the constitution though, isnt it? Still, it’s now time for Davy-boy to show that he can walk the walk, as well as talk the talk – swap you electoral reform and a cabinet post for a chance at running the country. Whaddya say, posh boy?