In my case I see my WH as a monster (equivalent to my abusers in my past). It is a really hard pill to swallow and I may not be able to do it.

You just never think the person you love and trust with everything can literally ambush you. I will never figure it out.

(((Yakamishi)))

BS/FWS (me):42 Madhatter
WS/BS:45 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
Separating!
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California

sodamnlost♀ 37190Member # 37190

Posted: 5:39 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013

I just wanted to say I understand.

Not sure how far you are since Dday, at almost 5 months I have gained only some of that back. I wasn't able to even look at him for the lonest so I guess it's progress.

(((((((hugs)))))

Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce 12-19-16

Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an

Posts: 772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Out of the ashes

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 6:07 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013

Word, Yakamishi. Word.

fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and pretty much R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 14387 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois

coping/stuck♀ 35013Member # 35013

Posted: 6:15 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013

Yep - I also miss US. I miss me. I miss comforting and being comforted. It all changes.

BS(me)48
WH 54
DD1 7/21/08, over a year to get the whole story out.
Married 22 1/2 years - together 24 1/2 yrs
4 kids
Trying to R
No one should know more about your life than you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God, I hope so.

I feel you pain my friend ! I'm right there with you. Our WW have lost their innocents. What hurts me the most is when I touch her exspecilly her breast . I just can't stand the tought of another man touching her ! I'm hoping over time this feeling goes away

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty

Posts: 228 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles

Heartbroken331♂ 35541Member # 35541

Posted: 10:42 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013

If we would ask people who would be the more likely cheater between me and my wife, I'm sure 100% of the people would say it would be me.

It crushes me when I remember all the things she did. I miss not worrying about her using her cellphone. I miss not second-guessing her motives for many things. I miss not feeling sad about song lyrics that I hear. I miss not being affected by infidelity stories from other people. I could go on and on, but it seems I miss my "old self". Her A changed me on so many levels. I am a totally different person now.

Isn't that the truth! I sometimes have such a hard time thinking my WW actually did all this. I feel sad every time I think about it, which is every five minutes right now. Do we stay married and push those feelings away? How do you ever wrap your mind around the fact that the one who is supposed to love you the most could betray you so badly? It's a huge wound. Huge. And the first of many casualties is the loss of that special feeling, that safe and secure innocence and trust we felt around our spouses. Sucks. I sure hope that feeling will return some day. I am not sure I can stay married without it.

Me: BS 45
Her: WS 46
Married 19 years
DDay: 10/9/2012

Posts: 279 | Registered: Dec 2012

CantacceptThis♀ 37289Member # 37289

Posted: 7:26 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013

I too miss the way it used to be...before I had to worry what he was really doing at work, worry what he's actually looking at on his phone, worry if he's looking for his next one since we all have the mind-set "once a cheater, always a cheater" and since I sometimes feel as if he "got away with it" and I'm still here for him. Those thoughts never crossed my mind before and I miss that.

Me: 41
Him: 40 (PA with ex g/f from 20 years ago)
DDay: 10-20-2012, then more details on
10-25-2012 (worst day of my life)
The trusting ship has sailed...no clue when or if it will ever dock again!

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Midwest, USA

Yakamishi♂ 38230Member # 38230

Posted: 7:13 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

Thank you. It truly gives me comfort knowing that I'm at least a little normal throughout this living nightmare.

I totally get you, Yak. When I overthink it, I think it's not "her" that I miss, it's my belief about who she was, and/or my experience of living under that belief. Turns out it was a false belief, so maybe I shouldn't miss it at all. But I do.

Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street

cletuswv♂ 37463Member # 37463

Posted: 12:05 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

I could not agree more with all of the posts... I miss our friendship, to think for the last 2.5 years she remained the center of my world, while I was on the periphery of hers and an enemy in her mind. It is all so heard breaking.

Boy can I relate to everyone else. I feel like there's a knife in my back that I can just brush my fingers on the handle of, but can't reach to pull it out. I know over time the wound will scar over and the pain will lessen, but the knife will always be there. The other night when she finally gave me a timeline and more details, she said she hoped I would love her like I once did again some day. It hurt to tell her I never would love her that way again. Hopefullly it might be a better, stronger love, but it would never be the same as it once was.

But beyond that, I do hate many of the things I've become since D-day. I used to joke about being paranoid. Now in many ways I live it.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

Posts: 895 | Registered: Dec 2012

padstack♂ 37202Member # 37202

Posted: 12:57 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

I understand where you are coming from Yakamishi.

When I look at my fWW, I see a woman that has crushed my spirit and has changed me as a person, but not for the better. I see someone else enjoying her body in a way that only I was supposed to enjoy. I don't know if I will ever get over the damage that she has caused my life and her willingness to throw her family away like yesterday's trash. I don't see her as special anymore.

All of your posts cut me to my soul. It is a good thing that I work alone and can have lunch alone while I read these. I use to not cry and now I can't stop. I feel all of your pain right along with my own. I try to look in his eyes but I can't stay there very long. Does he feel my pain? Does he get what he has done?

D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

blindsided66♂ 38339Member # 38339

Posted: 2:21 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013

It seems like all of us on the post are feeling much the same way. The trust I had in my wife was not trust, as much as a blind faith that she was simply incapable of hurting me this way. What I have to accept is, that kind of trust is never coming back. I can never again think that she “can’t” hurt me that way, but instead, find a way to believe that she “won’t” ever hurt me like that again.
Like many of you, I am looking for a way to build a new level of trust, commitment and communication. My wife wants to have things, the way they were before and I have explained that is simply not possible. The innocence of us being in our first marriage, three kids, 16 years of devotion and togetherness through good and bad times, is gone. We will always miss that innocence and special bond. The question now is can we find something new, something similar and hopefully something in some ways, a little better. Better communication and truthfulness. Two months since D-Day and it has been rough. I didn’t know I could feel these kinds of emotions and pains. We’re still trying. Good luck to all of you who are also trying R.