Our View: Differentiating between bullying and conflict

In the old days, bullying was just an unfortunate part of growing up for many youngsters — that is, until they learned to stand up to their aggressors. Back then, parents might have encouraged their kids to give a bully “a taste of his own medicine.” These days, that approach has largely been replaced by one...

In the old days, bullying was just an unfortunate part of growing up for many youngsters — that is, until they learned to stand up to their aggressors. Back then, parents might have encouraged their kids to give a bully "a taste of his own medicine." These days, that approach has largely been replaced by one in which school officials — rather than parents — are expected to monitor bullying and intervene when kids give their peers a hard time.

Like it or not, adolescent conflict is a natural part of growing up. Without experiencing this conflict and learning how to appropriately fend off aggression, children will grow up to become socially inept adults, unable to function and adapt to a world they must share with some lifelong bullies.

"A certain amount of meanness is normal developmentally. You would be completely disabled as an adult otherwise," said Elizabeth Englander, a psychology professor and director of the Massachusetts Aggression Resource Center at Bridgewater State University. Experiencing hurtful behavior also helps kids identify — and hopefully stop — their own hurtful behavior.

While it's certainly a positive development that a focus has been placed on prevention and intervention, reports of bullying to school officials have also exploded in recent years. This requires a significant amount of attention and resources to respond.

Parents and students are sometimes unsure of what constitutes "bullying" and what may simply be "conflict." Therefore, it is important to understand what bullying is — and what it is not.

There is, in fact, a legal definition of bullying in Massachusetts General Laws. "An Act Relative to Bullying," passed by the state Legislature in 2010, provides that definition: "The repeated use by one or more students of a written, verbal or electronic expression or a physical act or gesture or any combination thereof, directed at a victim that:

(I.) causes physical or emotional harm to the victim or damage to the victim's property;

(II.) places the victim in reasonable fear of harm to himself or of damage to his property;

(III.) creates a hostile environment at school for the victim;

(IV.) infringes on the rights of the victim at school; or

(V.) materially and substantially disrupts the education process or the orderly operation of a school."

Englander, meanwhile, differentiates between bullying and conflict. Bullying is ongoing and intentional, and there is a power imbalance between the victim and the perpetrator, she said.

Under the law, it is the responsibility of school officials to draft bullying prevention and reporting policies and plans, including prohibiting bullying. Districts must update their bullying plans every two years. The law also defines cyber-bullying and requires districts to prohibit retaliation against those who report bullying. The law applies to students, as well as teachers and administrators.

Page 2 of 2 - While the law requires school officials to intervene, there is also reason to be concerned that creating a bureaucracy to respond to what may simply be a normal part of growing up is not the best approach.

Unfortunately, the term "bullying" is often misunderstood and misused. "If it's not bullying, it's a conflict, which means people need to learn how to coexist," said Kuss Middle School Wellness Coordinator Harry Potter. Learning to coexist — in school and later in life — is an important lesson for everyone to learn.

As the old saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Regardless of anti-bullying laws and policies enacted, this age-old approach to diffusing a bully's power may still be the best way to stop bullying in its tracks.