(Closed) Too many guests going to wedding. Should I change my RSVP to no?

Okay so I know this is really random but…. A co worker of mine is getting married on 5/26 and he is having some difficulty with his guest list. I have heard him a few times talking to his fiance and others on the phone and complaining that everyone is coming and not enough people have said no. They are overbooked at their venue and way over budget.

I was planning on going with two girlfriends from work (I guess we did save them 3 plus ones) becuase my fiance fiance will be out of town for his bachelor party. I know its only 3 people and that probably doesnt make much difference but should we tell him we wont go? He and his fiance wont be attending my wedding becuase they have another wedding to attend.

If we did tell him that we wouldn’t go, how do you word that??

I know it is hard planning a wedding and I too am stressed out about my guest count!

This is a tough one. I would ask him how his wedding planning is coming. If he brings up that he is stressed about the RSVPs, tell him you completely understand and you are freaking out at the idea of too many people saying yes for your day. He might mention the problem he is having. If he mentions it (and only if he mentions it) then you can say, “J, I was totally honored to be invited and I would love to see you and M tie the knot. I also know how stressful being oversubscribed is and I would be happy to sit this one out. X, Y, and I will have a girls night if would be easier on you two”.

This is weird to me. I don’t get why people invite more people than they want to pay for or can fit in the venue. I think if you were invited you should not have to change your RSVP to no because they’re freaking out that too many people are saying yes.

When I talked to my venue we had 90 people on the guestlist and my bill was set up for 70 because they said usually 20 people don’t come. We were fine with paying for 90 and we’re also fine with paying for the 113 the list has grown to. And everyone will fit in the venue. If what my venue said is true we’ll end up with like 93 people or so. So just under 100. We realize that adds to the bill and we’re fine with it.

What’s stressing you out about your guest count? Are you having the same problem or are you just stressed about people not RSVPing or whatever?

I dont think he knows that I have heard him complaining. He is in the office next to me and I can hear some of his conversations. I am worried that if I do say something he will be upset that I took it that way. I asked him how things were going this morning and he just said not well, we weren’t expecting everyone to say yes!

I am not as stressed about the people and my venue, I need people to say no so we dont go even further into the poor house! We both have HUGE families so we invited 300 people.

He probably won’t tell you straight up that he would be relieved if you didn’t attend. No If you already know that he’s stressed about it I would just pull him aside and just said ‘hey, I am planning a wedding too and I wanted to let you know that I would totally understand if you want us to give up our seat for your family and friends. In fact, we’ll take you and the missus out to happy hour to celebrate in a couple of weeks, okay?’ and just see how be reacts. Shoot, maybe he’s more concerned with awkward family attending and actually wants you guys there. But I would open the dialogue up and don’t feel bad about it.

@WillyNilly: Oh, this is a good suggestion. Offering to celebrate with them at a later date is a really nice way to turn something stressful and an awkward conversation into something more pleasant and something they can actually look forward to instead of worry about!

Sheesh I’m glad I’m not in a situation where space at the reception hall is limited. Then again, I don’t think I would have booked a place if our guest list was that close to their max capacity.

I also don’t understand inviting someone and then hoping they won’t make it. Are they just hoping people won’t come but will still send a gift? Other than family that you don’t particularly get along with but feel obligated to invite I don’t really understand why you’d invite them if you don’t want them to come! I do understand the budget being less for less people… but your wedding is a reason to party! I wan’t people to come and have fun and celebrate in our honor to justify all the hard planning I’ve been doing for the past year!!

to please parents is to invite their guestlist even if you havent met them… ei- bout 30 people on my side of the guestlist is moms friends/old business associates and random strangers from the past… his mom side there is about 20 of those distant relatives he has never met…..

@SaraP2012: I can imagine several reasons — from reading the plaints of brides on this board and others — why a couple might overbook their venue, but that doesn’t affect your problem one way or the other. @emp04‘s kind-and-overt strategy is indeed one option. It may well work: your generation is more accustomed to plain speaking than mine was. My own experience with plain speaking is that it works better in theory than in practice.

If you prefer a different option, I’d recommend discovering some urgent compassionate obligation — a dying auntie whose last birthday party is coincidentally the same night as his wedding, or a single-mother sister who absolutely MUST attend a corporate training weekend that weekend and needs trusted childcare. It has to be something of a sacrifie, to justify your withdrawing from an accepted social obligation. You would be rude to cancel if your exuse were something selfish or trivial, but single moms and dying aunties are noble causes.

You apologize profusely, of course; and your colleague never finds out that you withdrew out of compassion for him. And then just make sure that, if you do make a girls’ night out of it, that you do it in a different corner of town from where the reception is being held!