Monday, 12 April 2010

Maybe if I had said cheetah they would have hired me.

Financially speaking, I'm poor. Mainly due to the fact I'm a student so I guess its all just part and parcel of the lifestyle. Gotta love it!

As my oh so kind and loving flatmate pointed out I've had a lot of job interviews recently. But yet no job. Thanks for the support roomie.

Even though I resent her observation on my life, I can't deny it.

On paper I sound great. Lots of experience (ok, ok, so some of it is fabricated but everyone does it, right?), all my grades are good and then throw in some bullshit about how social and active I am blah blah blah.

So due to the brilliance of my C.V , 60% of the time, it works every time.(I just watched anchorman! brilliant!)

Herein lies my downfall. I go to the interview and it all goes wrong.

Now I'll be the first to admit, I don't make good first impressions.

I'm an awkward person. This is something I've come to terms with. I try to embrace my awkwardness but it can be difficult in certain situations.

Unfortunately for my bank balance, job interviews are one of these situations.

Most of the interviews I've been to have gone pretty much as expected. They ask me some questions. Time passes. Time passes. Time passes. I want the ground to swallow me up. Then I finally think of an answer that doesn't make me sound completely stupid.

Thank you, we'll be in touch.

But it's all lies, they never get in touch.

So for once, I want it to go down like this:

Interviewer: Hello, nice to meet you, come in to my office so we can have a little chat about your application.

Me: (*saunters into the office* got this one in the bag)

Interviewer: Ok so I've been looking over your C.V and I'm very impressed. It's clear you have a lot of experience of working with the oprah operating system.

Me: Oh yes, lot of experience with that under my belt.

Interviewer: Can you tell me some of the problems you've encountered with using it?

Me: Actually, no I can't. I only said I had a lot of experience under the guise of no follow up questions. So please, if you don't mind, next question.

Interviewer: Ok... What about your work experience. How long did you work as a receptionist?

Me: I don't know, what does it say on my C.V?

(*Flash my pearly whites* I'm so hot right now)

Interviewer: Right. Well maybe we should leave your C.V for now. Can you tell me about your skills that you think are relevant to this job?

Me: I can multitask.

(*start texting on my phone*)

See? I can talk AND text.

Interviewer: Thats, um, impressive. Well I think I've asked all I can here. Did you bring your references with you?

Me: No. My mums busy on Tuesdays. Is it cool if she calls in tomorrow?

Interviewer: I'm sure that won't be necessary. Last question. Protocol and all. Any criminal convictions?

Me: No. With legs like mine they never catch me.

Interviewer:...

Me: (*phone rings to the theme song 'you are beautiful'*)

I have self-esteem issues. But I'm in therapy for it.

Interviewer: We may or may not be in contact with you.

Oh no. Reading that back and its sad to say the above seems likelier to happen than me getting a job anytime soon.

I once went to an interview where they asked me who would I rather fight: a cheetah or a shark. And what would be my plan of attack. I said shark. And my flight hormones would kick in and I'd swim my ass off in the opposite direction. True story that.