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Category: Miscellaneous

Fatwa#: 39351

Asked Country: India

Answered Date:
Nov 08,2017

Title: Husband not satisfied with wife

Question

Assalamualaikum WR WB Mufti Saheb,

I am a Muslim working in India in an IT / Software company. I am 40 years old and married for 14 years and having kids. I pray 5 times salah Alhamdulillah, do zikr, spent time in jamat, keep nafil fasts as well. Despite all these, I am unable to control my sexual desires and I often commit sin by watching unwanted movies, fantasize’s much about the lady colleagues etc. I feel that I am not sexually satisfied by my wife whenever I want as she says that she is not interested to have sex, and if she is willing also then just before the act she starts talking about sunnah, islam etc OR she talks about our fights that happened earlier which we resolved already... These things really irritate me and that act becomes a formality. Due to these types of things, I become upset and will not get ready for the act so I insist her to do oral on me to which she is reluctant. Many a times, when I feel that I should have intercourse and calls her, she gets herself engaged in works and delays it.

Recently, I explained her situation very clearly and told her that because of her reluctance and behavior, I tend to commit the major sins to which she became unhappy. I dont know what to do in this type of situation wherein despite all my efforts as discussed above, I am not able to Control desires. I read somewhere that a person asked a sufi that, when a person will become mature? to which the sufi replied, are you asking about the maturity (BULOOGHIAT) of Shariat or Tareeqat. The questioner told him that he wants the answer to both. The sufi replied saying that, a person will become mature as per shariat when the semen comes out of him first time in life and a person becomes mature as per tariqat when the lust and desires (shahwat) comes out of him.

After reading this, I have started fearing about my life in aakhira that how I am going to solve my problem. I commit sin and later cry a lot thinking of the nemaths that Allah SWT has given to me and how I am misusing it. I always think that it is purely Allah's mercy that I am living in this world that Allah SWT is giving me opportunity to do all good deeds but because of my desires and a non-understanding wife I am unable to control myself.

I humbly request you to help me and guide me in the light of Quran and Hadees that what path I have to follow to remove the lust and desires in me and how should I make my wife understand about this. What will be the ruling for my wife?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

You state you are a married person and you cannot control your sexual desires. A married person does not need to unnecessarily control his desires. Rather, when he has an urge, he should fulfil his desires. If what you state about your wife is true, then that is unfortunate. [1]

However, it is possible that your wife may also have her reasons for her attitude. A woman’s body undergoes a biological change especially after giving birth. Furthermore, she may be a busy mother.

These issues impact negatively on one’s sexual urge. While you may feel that she is negative in fulfilling your sexual urge, she too may feel that you do not understand her and only insisting on fulfilling yourself. You should enquire from your wife the reason for her attitude and search for solutions to overcome her difficulties.

Take your wife in your confidence and sympathise with her and jointly address issues with her. It would not be difficult to identify the solution.

You may also consider fasting as much as you can. While fasting may be difficult, you will be able to control your desires at the work place. Your wife will observe your continuous fasting and understand your difficulty. That may jolt her to consider your feelings and make adjustments towards you.

You are married for 14 years. Your wife bore you children. Do not be overwhelmed with your present sexual urges and forget her good companionship of the past and her sacrifices for you.

Remember, be her garment just as she is a garment for you. Tolerate her and comfort her. She too will reciprocate her comfort and love to you.

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