Yes indeed, me buckaroos, that's how Portsmouth punts Blighty's nautical heritage, as a suitably shaken Igor Z can attest. Mr Z admits his gasts were well and truly flabbered when he spotted this "brutally honest portrayal" of seafaring life at Winchester Station.

Quite rightly, our correspondent quickly rang the dockyard's PR manager to demand an explanation for the outrage, and was told that the campaign had indeed raised a few eyebrows and would not be gracing the nation's billboards next year.

Well, that's all well and good, but we imagine that when the Daily Mail gets hold of this, it'll be keelhauling, plank-walking and a touch o' the cat for the lot of 'em. ®