Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Recently I had a couple of friends who were having a horrible time getting over very painful break-ups. I wrote this letter to encourage those who just can't seem to let go to do exactly that.

To My Heartbroken Sisters:

I know you’re hurting right now, and it hurts me to see you in so much pain. I know what it’s like to love someone with all you’ve got only to watch it crash and burn to oblivion. It feels like someone took your intestines out without anesthesia and then proceeded to hog tie you while you scream and writhe in agony. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you don’t want to go out and all you can do is think about the love you’ve lost. To add insult to injury, you might even have to endure the pain of watching the man you love lavish all the attention he used to give you on someone else. Hurts like hell, don’t it!

However at some point, you have to move on and I’m giving you two months to get it together and that’s being generous. At the end of two months, if you are still crying, slinging snot on my shoulder, talking about what used to be and trying to get me to drive by his house to see if “her” car is there, I am going to grab you by your arms and shake you until all the threads or glue from your weave give way and it comes tumbling to the floor. I can’t let you keep getting makeup and boogers on my shirts. (smile)

You have my deepest sympathy. I don’t get over break ups easily either, but what I’ve learned is no matter how wonderful he was, no matter how much I loved him…I’m the best thing I’ve got and when I’m sad, depressed, crying, lonely, whatever, I can’t function at top condition which affects the other aspects of my life--family, career, friends, etc. Whether it was your fault or his no longer matters. What matters is that it’s over and you’ve got to get ready for the next phase in your life. Keep looking forward girlfriend because you can’t see where you’re going if your head is twisted all around. Now, some men will play games with you and try to keep a foot in the door if you let them. You’re thinking that if you continue to sleep with him he’ll come back. I’m sorry but that’s nonsense. Trust me, a man will continue to sleep with you because he enjoys having sex with you, especially if you know exactly how he likes it, not because he thinks the two of you should get back together. If he decides to get back with you, sex will not be the deciding factor.

You’re allowing a man to prohibit you from living the amazing life God has given you. Wipe your eyes because you can’t see how beautiful life is if your eyes are filled with tears. You can’t even see what another man can bring to your life because you keep comparing them to him. You’re not being fair to yourself because you will experience love again. Maybe not now because you’re healing, but one day.

Find comfort in the people who love you, your friends, family, co-workers and God. Time and some helpful distractions can heal all wounds. Occupy the time you use to spend with him with a new hobby, exercise, recreational activities, etc. Be daring, learn to skydive, ride a horse, do some home improvements, take a vacation, or maybe learn to salsa. Go shake your booty til the sun comes up. You can get past the pain but you have to be strong and refuse to let anyone take you to the bottom cuz baby, you were born to be on top.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I recently read that actress Essence Atkins (Half and Half, Deliver Us from Eva) wedded a man she met on one of the popular dating service sites, Singles.net. Shortly after this revelation, a co-worker suggested that I consider trying that route for finding Mr. Right. If it worked for her, it might just work for me. I’ve never given it serious consideration; although, I’ve heard several success stories. One of my closest friends met his girlfriend online at Blacksingles.net and is enjoying their long distance relationship immensely. Another young lady I know met her beau on Yahoo Personals and they were joined in holy matrimony back in September. Perhaps, if I hadn’t had such a bad experience years ago with a gentleman I met on Blackplanet.com (before it became booty call central), I would be more open to the possibilities of cyberlove. What I took from my ordeal is that people can make themselves into whomever and whatever they want to be on the Internet. So proceed with caution and don’t believe everything you read. However, I think my biggest issue is that to utilize the sites that claim to have a patented compatibility program you have to pay. Paying to find love seems ludicrous to me. I was under the impression that love was one the few things in life that didn’t have a price tag attached to it.

For the most part, I have ignored anyone who has tried to approach me based on what they’ve read on my Facebook or Myspace profile. There have been a couple I gave the green light to and we graduated from online communication to phone conversations and possibly a date. Neither one ended in a love connection but one, I now consider a friend and the other, I grew tired of very quickly after receiving repeated late night invitations to his home before we had even gone out on a date. Needless to say, we were not on the same page. I checked out Blacksingles.net since it worked for my boy but quickly ruled it out after an ad popped up on the homepage announcing that my perfect sexmate was waiting with the promise of love, sex and no commitment. Is that all people want these days?

Is there actually something to finding love for a fee? Does punching in your preferences and waiting for a program to tell you if the person you are destined to be with resides within their database the way to go? Match.com boasts of its success rate and offers a money back guarantee, but I still don’t think I’m ready to take that step. I’d probably move a lot faster if someone else were footing the bill. For now, I’ll keep getting cute when I go to the grocery store. Maybe my soul mate will bump into me while we’re both reaching for my addiction, Little Debbie chocolate cupcakes. I don’t need a patented compatibility system for that.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I have a friend who told me she took someone else’s man, and she seemed to be really proud about it. Hear me when I say I am against man stealing!!! Just as I was about to rip into her, she asked me to allow her the courtesy of an explanation. She told me she didn’t feel bad because the women he was with didn’t deserve him. According to her, the guy is an absolute sweetheart and the woman he was dating was using him for his money and wasn’t trying to have a serious relationship with him when she knew he was looking for a mate. So my friend sweetly presented herself as a better option because she has no intention of using any man for his money and she is ready for a relationship with a wonderful man who appreciates her. Also, the man wasn’t all that keen on women with kids and my friend has none while the woman he was with had two. I admit that from her description of him they did sound like a good match, but he was still someone else’s boyfriend when they met.

Well, the guy and my friend have been going out for a while now and it’s going really well. They’ve met each other’s parents and it seems like one big happy family. Her parents have even started calling him their son-in-law. He is a great guy and he treats my girl like a queen. So this scenario led me to ponder…is it stealing if you see a man who is in an unhealthy relationship and you present him with a healthier option that he chooses to not only take under consideration but utilize?

I can honestly say I think that every woman is guilty of the above scenario. We’ve all seen a brother who is being used and abused and told him “If you were my man I wouldn’t do that or I’m the type of woman that ..” in hopes that he will begin to see us as a much better option. Although, your intentions may be good I’m not quite sure they’re honorable. You must admit that there is a bit of selfishness taking place. You wouldn’t want someone else’s man if you hadn’t seen first-hand his generosity, his above average looks, or his financial status and you may have even heard about his p-p-put it on ya' bedroom performance.

However, allowing a good man to be mistreated and not saying anything could be compared to seeing a car speeding intentionally toward a pedestrian and doing nothing to warn the would-be road kill to get out of the way. If you run into the street, grab the poor soul and thrust him and yourself to safety you would be considered a hero…right? Is it morally right to stand idly by and let a horrible relationship run its course and watch him become stressed, bitter angry and damaged when you could have intervened and soothed his pain away? I wonder. Now, this scenario only applies to single people in a relationship. Breaking up a marriage or people who have children is a completely different discussion.

So ladies what do you think, when you steal a good man away from a one star chick are you a hero or a harlot?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I have always heard people say that the club is not a good place to meet a potential mate. However, I was one of those people who believed that Cupid can decide to draw back his bow and strike two unsuspecting single people at anyplace and anytime. However, as I age I am beginning to think that those other people were right. Recently, while standing at the bar at a local club and waiting to order an amaretto sour an attractive gentleman asked me if I had some gum in my purse. I had put some in my day purse but when I switched to my adorable black leather clutch for the evening I neglected to deposit it in the new bag. I politely informed him that I did not have any and after this revelation this gentleman who doesn't know me at all felt the need to school me in purse preparation. The convo went something like this.

Him: “A lady is always supposed to have some gum, mints or candy in her purse.”

Me: “Oh really. Why is that?”

Him: “A woman is supposed to have those things in case her man needs them. He might need to take care of his breath.”

Me: “Well, why can’t he supply his own gum since it’s his breath?"

Him: “You’re supposed to have it.”

I could tell this was going to go no where so I decided to let him believe that bullish instead of debating the issue. I really wasn't in the mood. He was cute, yes…..stimulating, no.

I then proceeded to watch him order a shot of Patron and a Corona. While waiting on his drinks he makes that same idiotic statement again. I just said, “ok” and hoped the bartender would give him his drinks quickly because this "lecture" had gotten old really fast. The bartender hands him his drinks and right before he turns to go he turnd to me again and said in a serious tone accompanied by a most serious face. “For real tho’ a woman is supposed to have gum in her purse. Some men use that as a test.” A test for what? I thought but instead of making the inquiry I replied, “So, if I fail then what?” He shrugged and said, “Then that’s on you,” and walked away. I have a feeling that I had just been given the gum test by this strange but attractive man and failed. Maybe he looked so serious because he was disappointed? I really don’t care because if that’s his way of selecting women then we’re probably not very compatible. I prefer a more complex test like his ability to hold an intelligent conversation without staring at a woman's breasts or whether he says something about sex right off the bat. However, I would still like to know what unscientific conclusion he could possibly draw from whether or not a woman has gum in her purse. The only logical answer I can come up with is it makes it highly unlikely her breath is funky? I've never been very good at thinking like a man. Maybe I should get Steve Harvey's book. Oh, wait....I think somebody e-mailed it to me. Bootlegging is on a whole new level these days.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I often wonder if there is such a thing as proper club etiquette. In a place where scantily clad women, men on the prowl, alcoholic beverages and music whose sole purpose is to make that body move are intricately intertwined are there really any hard and fast rules for male/female interaction? For instance, is it okay for a man to ease up on you while you’re on the dance floor and start dancing? Or should he ask you if you would like to dance before he starts bumping and grinding on your butt? However, the one that most intrigues me is the concept of “being under contract.” This term is used in reference to a man who buys a woman a drink and then believes because he spent his hard earned money he has the right to monopolize her time for the rest of the evening. I don’t see anything wrong with buying a woman a drink or wanting to spend a few more minutes holding a conversation with her but if she did not attend the function with you is it fair for a man to stand next to her the entire time she drinks her beverage and continue to do so long after the drink has been consumed? Or would it be more effective to buy the drink, engage in small talk a little while longer, exchange information and then go your separate ways leaving both of your options open for the night. I guess it all depends on the individuals. Sometimes you meet an attractive person who completely piques your interest and you have no desire to see what else the atmosphere has to offer. You may go home feeling like you just met the man of your dreams. Other times you were just being polite when you agreed to dance and although you are quite grateful for the dance, the drink and the somewhat stimulating conversation you really wish he would go away because his time is up. There are other men in the room who deserve the brief pleasure of your company. I actually think a man leaves some room for intrigue when he walks away. Isn't it always in a person's favor to leave their audience wanting more? Plus, it gives both of you less time to say something stupid during the first meeting. We can always chat it up over dinner later in the week. Ladies what do you think?