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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Namaste

Welcome to the October 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Instilling a Healthy Self-ImageThis post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared confessions, wisdom, and goals for helping children love who they are. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Came across this picture the other day
I thought it was so appropriate for this month's carnival!

"I'm not beautiful. I'm ugly."

Every time I hear her say that, my heart breaks.

She's only 6 years old. And already, somewhere, somehow she's picked that up.

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't go around saying this all the time.

But I do notice when she's having a hard time emotionally, or if we've had a particularly rough day, she's more prone to the negative self-talk.

And I believe it's usually related to feeling scared, unsure or upset in some way.

I tend to react the same way when I'm having a hard time, but I've contemplated the idea that perhaps this isn't normal behaviour for a teensy girl.

But then I remember the world we live in.

And what's not normal is what our teensy girls are exposed to on a regular basis.

Everywhere we go, we are exposed to images of women as sex symbols, depicting today's supposed standard of "beautiful". Magazine covers at the grocery store. DVD and CD covers on display racks. Movie posters. Floor to ceiling poster ads for clothing stores as you walk through the mall. Not to mention, the images of women in bra stores.

We may not even realize we are being exposed to these images. It's not like we go around saying, "Oh there's another image portraying a woman as a sex symbol and which is meant for me to subconsciously file as what is considered "beautiful" by today's standards." The passive nature of advertisement ensures that you just glance at it, it's in your brain and there it sits waiting for a trigger to remind you of it.

Perhaps the trigger is when someone comments on your "funny" clothes, or your "different" hair, or when someone comment on your physical appearance without really knowing you,without mentioning or bothering to find out about all your other personality traits or skills.

And if you are already a grown-up who has had to work through all this and somehow managed to come out the other end with a healthy self-esteem, then these images may not affect you as much. You may think, "Wow, she's gorgeous" or "Nice, I look just like her!"

But that's hardly all of us. For some reason or another, many of us do sometimes feel "un-beautiful". But is this something that begins at 6 years old? And if so, why?

I will admit that I often look at my daughter and think to myself, "Holy shit, she is so beautiful. I hope she doesn't turn into a "mean girl". I hope she doesn't let it "go to her head". I hope she has good skin when she's a teenager. I hope her nose doesn't get too big. I hope she is a healthy weight...."

And I catch myself. And I step back for a moment and reflect on my thoughts. And I decide I want it better, for me and for my daughters.

I want them to know people are beautiful for many more reasons that the way they look. I want them to be able to see beyond appearances, at the person within.

Namaste. The light in me sees the light in you.

I want them to know they are beautiful. Not because of the way they look, but because of their hearts, full of love, and joy and compassion. Because they are intelligent, thoughtful and kind. Because they care. Because they are exactly who they are.

I want to help them build a positive self-image in a grassroots sort of way.

As an infant, I tended to her needs, I accepted her, I held her close, I loved her.

As a toddler, I believed in her, I encouraged her, I taught her and I listened to her.

As a preschooler, I guided her and I let her explore and lead the way in her learning and interests.

And now as a school-aged kiddo, I continue to do all of the above, and I can see how her little personality has grown and thrived and how she knows she is loved.

But sadly, I can also see how societal influences are beginning to creep their way in...and the questions she asks, and the comments she sometimes make, reflect that she is picking up on certain things.

I just hope that our connection and our relationship continues to be the place she returns to, that she finds safe and accepting.

Even though it breaks my heart to hear her say "I'm not beautiful", to me it's also a sign that she does feel safe with me. That she does feel she can tell me anything, that I will listen, give her space to let it all out and not just try to cover it up with a "yes you are, look at yourself" and move on. And that she knows I am there to help her work that all out.

It is my greatest wish that my children know that to me they are beautiful and loved and accepted, always and forever, no matter what.

I know all I can do is love her, believe in her and accept her and hope that's enough to one day send her out into the real world.

Some{BODY} to Love — Kate Wicker has faced her own inner demons when it comes to a poor body image and even a clinical eating disorder, and now she wants to help her daughters to be strong in a world that constantly puts girls at risk for losing their true selves. This is Kate's love letter to her daughters reminding them to not only accept their bodies but to accept themselves as well in every changing season of life.

Sowing seeds of self-love in our children — After struggling to love herself despite growing up in a loving family, Shonnie at Heart-Led Parenting has suggestions for parents who truly want to nurture their children's self-esteem.

Undistorted — Focusing on the beauty and goodness that her children hold, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children watches them grow, loved and undistorted.

Off The Hook — Arpita at Up, Down and Natural sheds light on the journey of infertility, and how the inability to get pregnant and stay pregnant takes a toll on self image…only if you let it. And that sometimes, it feels fantastic to just let yourself off the hook.

Going Beyond Being An Example — Becky at Old New Legacy discusses three suggestions on instilling healthy body image: positivity, family dinners, and productivity.

Raising a Confident Kid — aNonymous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways she's trying to raise a confident daughter and to instil a healthy attitude to appearance and self-image.

Instilling a Healthy Self Image — Laura at This Mama's Madness hopes to promote a healthy self-image in her kids by treating herself and others with respect, honesty, and grace.

Stories of our Uniqueness — Casey at Sesame Seed Designs looks for a connection to the past and celebrates the stories our bodies can tell about the present.

Helping My Boy Build a Healthy Body Image — Lyndsay at ourfeminist{play}school offers readers a collection of tips and activities that she uses in her journey to helping her 3-year-old son shape a healthy body image.

Helping Our Children Have Healthy Body Images — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares information about body image, and her now-adult daughter tells how she kept a healthy body image through years of ballet and competitive figure skating.

Namaste — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares how at barely 6 years old, her daughter has begun to say, "I'm not beautiful." And while it's hard to listen to, she also sees it as a sign her daughter is building her self-image in a grassroots kind of way.

7 comments:

Thanks for sharing such a personal post! Your daughter is so lucky to have you and I totally agree that by loving her and continuing to be aware (as you so obviously are!) that she will feel confident and love herself as much as you love her!

My twin daughters are 15 months old and everything you've written about here is what I'm scared of as they grow older! Thanks for your honesty and encouragement, you've given me some great advice to cling to!

I really think it does mean she trusts you. And also is looking to you for the antidote. That definition of Namaste is so simply and beautifully expressed. Thank you for sharing it here. I'm going to start making it part of my daughter's world. Thank for you sharing this.

"I just hope that our connection and our relationship continues to be the place she returns to, that she finds safe and accepting." Yes - I feel this way too. I am already fearful of how the world will accept my children when I'm no longer there to shield them from meanness. But unconditional love and confidence in their own self-worth are surely a solid foundation!

I will be so sad the day one of my kids calls themselves ugly but at the same time, as you say, it's a sign that they're comfortable expressing that. We all need someone to listen to our fears and doubts, because having fears and doubts creep up sometimes is unavoidable. Thank you for sharing your perspective!

There are so many wonderful thoughts here! I love the meaning of Namaste. And your wish fits so perfectly with what I always wished for my children: "It is my greatest wish that my children know that to me they are beautiful and loved and accepted, always and forever, no matter what." The nice thing is that our children do pick up what we truly feel about them ... and what's important to us. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job! Deb @ LivingMontessoriNow.com