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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Doomsday

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane... It's the end of the world as we know it,It's the end of the world as we know it,It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

So apparently the end of the world is near.

And here I was, naivly thinking we had at least until 2012. Well, turns out the ancient Mayans weren't as smart as we thought. Doomsday is, in fact, upon us, one year earlier than expected.

Why do I know this? Because BIRDS ARE FALLING FROM THE SKY AND DYING. All I can think about is the The Birds by Alfred Hitchcock. I gotta say, I'm a little spooked.

As if that's not enough, FISH ARE DYING IN RIVERS.

Next up? Be prepared for a massive earthquake. Apparently, that's the 'next step' to the world coming to an end.

A few days ago, Arkansas was in the news. Even on CNN! Clearly, the fact that Arkansas was in the news was an indication that something was not right with the world. Just kidding. Anyway, as you all know by now, a really strange phenomenon happened. Thousands of fish washed up dead on the banks of the Arkansas River. As many as 100,000 fish died.

Then, in an eerie turn of events, on New Year's Eve no less, only 100 miles away from fish disaster 2010 - thousands of birds - THOUSANDS - just dropped from the sky, DEAD.

If that's not enough to freak you out, over 500 birds were found dead on the side of a road in Louisiana.

Officials are saying the fish died from some terrible disease, but what is even stranger is that some of the birds apparently died from trauma, and reports say that the "birds hit something very hard and had hemorrhages." What exactly did 100,000 birds flying in the sky hit?

An invisible UFO, that's what.

Of course conspiracy theories are circulating now, and not surprising, some people are saying the deaths happened because of secret government testing.

Since I trust CNN for the latest breaking news, and since I trust Anderson Cooper even more, I was a bit confused when he brought a Christian expert on to talk about this mysterious turn of events. Who was this expert, you ask? MIKE SEAVER.

You might know him as born-again Christian Kirk Cameron, too. What did our 'expert' have to say about this disasater? "It's silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of end-times theory..." Thanks, Mike! I'm not frightened at all anymore.

Wait, though. He went on to say: "Life is short. And I need to be ready whenever it is that God decides to end my life here on earth."

Okay, now we're talking.

So let's say, hypothetically speaking, the Mayans and Mike, or Kirk, whichever you prefer, are right, and we have limited time left here on earth. We need to ready ourselves! And quickly!

Apocalypse Now?

If the world is really coming to an end, then I have to make some serious life changes.

My list of things to do NOW if end-times are here:

1. Eat more McDonalds.2. Have pizza for dinner every night.3. Lots of sex.4. Start smoking again.5. Drink more alcohol, while listening to The End by The Doors.6. Max out my credit cards in Neiman Marcus.7. Do something totally insane like sky diving.8. Hit more concrete posts with my car.9. Tell off every single person that pisses me off.10. Move to a beautiful island in Greece for the last 52 weeks.11. Travel extensively with my family and friends.12. Get a refill on my Ativan.

Okay. There's got to be more fun that that to be had, right? I mean, these are things I do now, more or less! Honestly, though? Thinking about the end of the world, or just the univerise in general, completely creeps me out. I think I'll just stay home, get into my big bed with my kids, and hug them tight. Or, just go on living like I am now, knowing that none of this is really true.

It is freaky and you had me nodding in agreement with the invisible UFO who says we can physically SEE other beings? Exactly. This kind of stuff is scary but fascinating at the same time. Phenomenons we can't explain or justify. Lets see what else 2011 brings us!

The dead birds and dead fish are freaking me out!! I dont buy the theory that it was "fireworks" that the govt is trying to shove down our throats! I have 2 theories. 1. The govt is testing missiles 2. It is in fact the end of the world. So nothing original. If it is the end of the world I am going on an all out CARB-fest. All carbs, all the time! I am packing up my hubby and the dog and we are moving to Jamaica. I will make a living by renting banana boat rides during the day and by making fun fruity cocktails at night! Sounds good right? Now I just wish we knew for sure if it was the end of the world so I can get packing!

Thanks. I've been avoiding reading about all this stuff because it totally creeps ME out. My biggest concern is that the end of the world is coming right as I start to get my blog traffic up. What kind of cruel God do we live under? It's been nice knowing you.

ya- i think it may be missle testing too... but i think I am too chickenshit to go off the handle and rack up debt or really "enjoy" myself. I will probably read stories to my girls, cuddle and watch movies like i do everyday :) thanks for the read

The whole thing creeps me out. BUT if I had to start doing fun and/or illegal stuff with the world coming to an end? Definitely smoke a LOT, drink a LOT and seek out people who would sell me stuff to make me happy/sleepy/unaware that the world was done!Maybe we should all get together and wait and watch Family Ties until it happens??

I'm embarrassed to say that I had no clue about the bird or the fishes or anything. Clearly I am totally up on current events. I do however know what happened on How I Met Your Mother This Week. That's probably a sign of the end of the world too.

The thing that scares me the most about end of the world prophecies now is what I should do with my children. Will there be zombie survivors on the hunt for regular survivors? I need to hit the shooting range soon and learn how to use a gun. From what I've seen that's very handy when hungry zombies are roaming the streets.

I've always been afraid of this though (minus the zombie part I mean - okay maybe a little bit zombie). The Day After aired when I was in elementary school and I had terrible nightmares about it. My brother and I watched an HBO special on Nostrodomos and it almost ruined my life. Or at least it made me live in fear of the Third World War. Of course, now that's all going on (and very much like the predictions I must say), so I'm moving onto newer concerns like what is going to happen in 2012.

What would I do differently? Maybe nothing really... I feel like I'm already doing everything that I should to appreciate the fleeting daily joys of family and friends. I'm a terrible housekeeper (who can't afford to hire a good one). I go to the gym every day but only to do things I enjoy (no pain - no pain). I eat whatever I want (justifed by all of the semi-passive exercising). I don't know, the things that I should be doing to embrace life more fully are too goal and personal acheivement oriented to apply to letting go of petty concerns and being a little hedonistic. I could max out my credit cards...but my limits aren't very high, so that's a very limited source of fun.

Ok now I KNOW I'm on my computer and watching reality TV and Wow Wow Wubbzy too much because I hadn't even heard of this bird thing. Now I'm getting my news from Loulous Views! This is all totally freaky and I will be making my list of things I need to do before the end of the world too. This post made me laugh... Thanks for that Loukia!

I had a whole list of To-Do Before the World Ends, but I got so distracted by the photo of Kirk Cameron that all I can come up with now is "Make sure I've watched all episodes of Growing Pains. Twice." Damn birds.