John Gray: Summer fun

Being just a few months shy of my 52nd birthday, I’d say I have been to a beach or public pool roughly a thousand times in my life. So, I’ve seen it all.

The other day I took a trip up the Northway to Peerless Pool at Saratoga Spa State Park and had what the scholars might call a “moment of clarity”. In this moment I realized that when you mix with the masses you start to see patterns or types that frequent pools and beaches. See if any of these ring a bell with you.

• The Wanderer — This is the child who doesn’t seem to be attached to any particular parent or guardian. They are usually between the ages of 3 and 7 and will, without reservation, walk into your space or onto your beach blanket and eat your Cheetos. If your child is digging a hole in the sand, they will take the shovel right out of your kid’s hand and dig a hole, too. Generally after about five minutes of this, a parent, often holding a beer in their hand, saunters over and says, “Sorry about that. He’s always wandering off.” Make no mistake this child will return within a half hour to eat more of your Cheetos.

• The Body — Every beach or pool has one or two people who have worked out all winter and are extremely proud of their bodies. All the dieting and squats with heavy weights have led them to this moment where they can show it off. They find any excuse after excuse to get up from their lounge chair and walk across the entire length of the beach or pool so everyone can see. I don’t blame them; if I looked that good I’d want to flaunt it, too. But after the 10th time they’ve walked by it gets a bit obnoxious and obvious. If you are a man at the beach with your lady and the person continuously walking by is a woman in a bikini, the phrase, “Stare one more time and you’ll be walking home” is not uncommon to hear.

Advertisement

• The Hanger On — This is the person who used to be “the body” but has aged and put some miles on the old chassis. They still have a decent figure, or in a man’s case muscles, but they are wearing a bathing suit more appropriate for someone half their age. It is likely the same one they wore for spring break 1991. What the hanger on needs is a best friend who sees them before they leave the house and says, “No. No. Absolutely no.”

• The Griswolds — Getting their name from the fictional character brought to life by Chevy Chase, the Griswolds come to the beach and take over. They break off into teams and each child, cousin and parent constructs a tent so large half of Rhode Island could find shade under it. They also have multiple coolers, 12 containers of sun block and a bag full of games guaranteed to make you want to move. The father is usually wearing a $300 wet suit for his five minutes he’ll spend boogie boarding with the kids. The Griswolds also turn building a simple sand castle into a constructing the Taj Mahal complete with blueprints. Oh and if they have a frisbee, they’ll hit you with it at least 12 times.

• The Hasselhoff — Most lifeguards at the beach are professionals who take the job seriously. They are all business and ready to save a life, if needed. But there’s always that one lifeguard who watched one too many episodes of “Baywatch” and is up in that tall chair for one reason only; recognition. The hair is long, the tan perfect, the muscles massive. And that’s just the female lifeguards. If you get a chance to engage one of these lifeguards in conversation, it’s quite entertaining. They say things like, “Sharks, riptides, killer whales, there’s no calling a ‘time out’ when it’s you against the sea, Amigo. You best bring your ‘A’ game.” What they don’t tell you is most of their day is spent having people ask them what time the ice cream truck drives by?

• The Regulars — These would be the rest of us. The regular folks who slave away at a job we don’t love 50 weeks out of the year, save our pennies and drag the posse out to the Cape for one week of lobster and laziness. We don’t look perfect in the bathing suit, the sandwiches are always a little soggy in the cooler and yes, that’s us, screaming like a little girl when we put our toe in the water and yelp about how cold it is. Love us or hate us, at least we’re real.

Summer is here, I do hope you get a chance to get away from the boss and have a little fun in the sun. Don’t forget to drink lots of water, wear sunblock and if all the Cheetos are gone; well I think we know who to blame.

John Gray is a news anchor on WXXA-Fox TV 23 and ABC’S WTEN News Channel 10. His column is published Wednesdays in The Record and Saratogian. Email JohnGray@news10.com.