(NC sits on his recliner and flipping a TV channel before addressing to the camera.)

NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well, I got my recliner, I got my "I Donut Donuts" T-shirt on; that can only mean one thing. More commercials!

(Clips from various nostalgic commercials start playing.)

NC (vo): Yeah, I guess it is a weird idea to review commercials, but like I said before, they live in their own little world. And they’re so much fun to watch and laugh at. The 80s and 90s gave our childhoods some really silly products and even sillier ways of advertising them to us.

NC: And guess what? We’re gonna look at ‘em again today! So, welcome to part 2 of a look back in nostalgic commercials in a segment that I like to call “We’ll Be Right Back!”

(Just as before, we then see a compilation of ABC clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.)

Contents

NC (vo): Oh, figures that we start on a girl's commercial. Fucking girly ads, they just keep us from our lust of plastic weapons!

Female Announcer: You put it together. Dolls and fashions sold separately.

NC (vo): Yes, you can do everything with it. Drive through…glitter, pick up dangerous hitchhikers, pose it against that curious gigantic city backdrop that you have for some reason…

NC: It’s a girl’s dream come true!

NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing I realize about this is that, if that car was a little smaller, it’d be a boy’s toy. Now how weird is that? You think we’d be all about things being bigger and stronger, but no. We like them teeny tiny. Have you ever noticed that? Girls got the huge convertibles, we got Micro Machines. Girls get the giant detailed dolls, we get the little G.I. Joe action figures. I mean, at what point did we look at TV and say…

NC: Ha! Fuck that giant pussy convertible! (holds up a Micro Machines toy car) This is a man’s car! (smiles, but looks at it and frowns before tossing the toy aside)

Female Announcer: You put it together. Dolls and fashions sold separately.

Background singers: We’re into Barbie!

Girl: Wow!

NC:(laughs) What was up with that girl’s reaction? It’s like she forgot she was supposed to be impressed with the product.

Background singers: Barbie!

Girl: Wow!

NC (vo): She just sounds so entranced, too, doesn’t she? It’s like, off-screen, the product suddenly turned into an incredible superhero or something.

Female Announcer: Dolls and fashions sold separately.

(The car approaches the two girls, a bright flash occurs as though transforming into something.)

NC (vo): Oh, great, another 900 number. Again, as if these didn’t already have a sexual slant by today’s standards, you honestly have to put He-Man in your ads now? Now you’re just turning the sexual undertones into sexual overtones.

NC (vo; dubs over He-Man): Fabulous stories about what I may or may not be wearing will be revealed to you when you hold aloft your mighty phone and say, “I GOT PARENT'S PERMISSION!” (A lightning bolt strikes He-Man’s sword.) I...HAVE...PERMISSIOOOOOOOOOON!!!!! (Accompanying text appears onscreen.)

He-Man: We’ll also tell you how to get an action figure or this colorful poster.

She-Ra: Part of your $2.35 2-minute call will go to local science museums.

NC (vo): Yes, PART of your money will go to the science museums.

NC: We haven’t figured out yet how to make change for a penny, but we’ll figure out some percentage.

NC (vo): And what do they call this incredible invention that brings people together? Bubble Thing. Wow, was the marketing guy away from work that day? That’s like the most unimaginative name I’ve ever heard for a product! It's like calling Transformers 'Changey Things'! Or G.I. Joes 'Army N Stuff'! Or Hot Wheels 'EEEEH-EY-AH-NEH?'” Way to make us remember the product, guys!

NC (vo): Are you that little bitch that always needs to show off to make yourself feel loved? The kind whose mother will threaten the coach’s family if you don’t get a perfect score? This unnecessary edition to overachieving physical perfection is for you!

Girl #2: Yeah!

NC: Now, to be fair, maybe I’m being too harsh. I mean, physical fitness is important, as long as you’re not just doing it to show off.

Young Female Announcer: Skip Stik! When you just want to show off.

NC:SCUM!!!

(The commercial continues until the music intercuts with Michael Sembello's “Maniac” as well as clips from Flashdance.)

Michael Sembello:(audio) ♫ She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor / And she’s dancing like she's never danced before / Maniac, maniac, at your door... ♫

NC (vo): Oh, God, how did this toy never catch on? Listen to this: These were space men who take over the minds of dinosaurs and use them as weapons in their intergalactic war!

NC:(sputters in disbelief) How fu-I-ger-bu-THAT’S THE COOLEST IDEA EVER!

Kid #1: They’re firing on me!

Kid #2: Look out for the trap!

Announcer: But hidden rockets flash the evil Rulon!

Kid #1:(as Rulon) We’ll meet again, Quexar!

NC (vo): They had a TV show, too, but that never went anywhere. Why? I mean, seriously, it’s like the best combination of everything boys like! Just throw in cowboys, ninjas, pirates, and the annoying of girls for making us feel confusing emotions, and it’d be perfect!

NC (vo): OH, COME ON! IT'S A FUCKING RABBIT! That counts as a reason to call a number because you show a fucking rabbit onscreen?

Announcer: There’s a new story every day, so call today!

NC (vo): I mean, how lazy can these get?!

(A still image of a table is shown)

NC (vo; as an announcer): Hello, kids! I’m a table! Would you like to hear an exciting table adventure? ‘Cause, you know, tables go on a lot of fucking adventures! So, if you like to hear about me…a table…dial this number. (The caption “1-900-IM-A-FUCKING-TABLE” is shown.) Table AWAAAAAAY!

Announcer: We can’t wait to share our wonderful fun and discoveries with you. Remember, get your parent’s permission before you dial.

(Barney, disguised as a rock star, has a rock concert stage lifted up high on a dinosaur with young girls clamoring for him.)

Barney:(singing) Got to have cocoa...

Fred:(notices the stage) Rock Rockstone! (After the girls leave and Barney is exposed trying to take his cereal, he becomes angry.) Barney!

Barney: Uh-oh.

NC: Okay, I’m sorry, I gotta address something with these commercials. Here, you got Barney, who’s going to these extreme lengths to get Fred’s cereal. (beat) Why doesn’t he just go to the fucking store? I mean, my God! It’s incredible the lengths he’ll go to. I mean...

NC (vo): ...his face is on the fucking box! You think he’d be able to get a few free ones every once in a while!

Fred: Barney!

NC (vo): And for that matter, why does Fred keep feeding into his habit? Why doesn’t he just crack and tell him what he really needs to do?!

Fred: Barney!

Barney: Uh-oh. This rock’s got to roll.

(NC's Barney looks sad as NC speaks the following as Fred.)

NC:(as Fred) Okay, Barney, um, before I chase you around in some comedic routine, I-I just wanna ask you to do one thing. (beat) Look at yourself. Just really…look at yourself. I mean, my God, Barney. My God. You’re a pathetic wreck. I mean…that stage alone. How much did that cost you? Hundred…maybe…thousands of dollars? And…you keep doing this every week! Week after week, you blow your money away when you could be spending time with your family! This is why you’re defaulting on your mortgage, Barn. This is why Betty has to strip. (pulls out some cash from his wallet) Here, there’s, uh…$20. That’s…that’s good for a couple boxes. Go, go to the store. Get a few. Enjoy yourself. (beat) You have a problem, Barn. You have a real serious problem, and it needs to be addressed. I mean, seriously, Barn, what is it about my cereal that sets it apart from other cereals?

NC’s Barney: ‘Cause it came from your wife’s box.

NC:(as Fred; loading his gun) Okay, Barn, you’re going down. (gets up from his recliner, and gunshots are heard as we cut to the normal part of the commercial)

Announcer: Cocoa Pebbles cereal. Part of this nutritious breakfast. Yabba-dabba-delicious!

NC (vo): Here’s a classic. It has a great setup and a great punch line. It’s a wonderful commercial.

Mr. Turtle: Ask Mr. Owl.

Boy: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. (undoes the wrapper and starts to lick the lollipop) One, two-hoo-hoo! Three. (chomps once on the candy center until there’s nothing but the stick) Three. (hands the stick back to the boy, who looks disgusted)

NC (vo): But, you see, I don’t think that’s the real question here. I think the real question is “WHY THE HELL IS THIS BOY NAKED?” Nobody addresses this? Even the turtle, when he first comes out, is like… (The turtle’s head pops out and looks down, and NC speaks as him.) What the fuck? Put on some clothes, boy! I can see your junk!

(Mr. Owl is asleep and wakes up with his eyes opens halfway, then all the way like pod-bay doors.)

Boy: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of…

NC (vo; normal): The other scene I like is when the owl opens his eyes. I don’t know, am I the only one that finds it a little creepy?

(Terminator music plays as the camera does a closeup on the owl’s eyes that open halfway, then all the way and start to glow red briefly.)

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out.

NC (vo): Well, it’s still a classic commercial. And I always look forward to watching it whenever it’s on.

Announcer: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.

NC: Okay, yeah, you know how they always say that TV and movies are rotting your brain? There’s just too much violence? Why don’t you go play a board game or something? Yeah, all right, take a look at this board game!

Background Singer:(to the tune of "Funiculì, Funiculà") ♫ Make ‘em, take ‘em to the factory… ♫

(An animated clay grape’s head is cut off by a giant pair of scissors in the game.)

NC:(reacts in shock) JESUS!

Background Singer: ♫ Mash ‘em, smash ‘em, now they're history! ♫

(Another animated clay grape gets rolled over.)

Background Singer: ♫ And lift their head and now they're dead and now they're lifted out of shape… ♫

Background Singer: ♫ That's the way you do it when you play the Grape Escape! ♫

NC: Good Lord!

(As the announcer describes the premise of the game and the background singers continue singing, sounds of screaming torture (actually sound bytes from The Ren & Stimpy Show and Tom & Jerry) are played over the ordinary clay figures that get tortured by the contraptions in the game.)

Announcer: The Grape Escape game! Race through the crazy jam factory without getting sliced or smashed or mooshed!

Background Singer: ♫ Hey, this is fun! ♫

Clay Grape: I'm almost done!

Background Singer: ♫ Maybe you won, oh, no, too late… That's the way you do it when you play the Grape Escape! ♫

NC: Grape Escape! Because killing things that are smaller than you gives you POWER!(laughs evilly as lightning strikes, then he giggles innocently)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, remember these commercials? Always starring the mentally tormented kid who has a fucking fetish for a children’s cereal?

Young Male #1:(thinking) Oh, wow, those Pops taste like sweet popcorn, and she ate the last bowl of them! Ugh!

NC (vo): It always starts off with some kid discovering there’s no Corn Pops, and then we take a disturbing look into their deep, dark psyche.

(Cut to an ad involving a mother and her daughter in the kitchen.)

Mother: We’re out of Corn Pops.

Girl #2:(thinking) Out of my Kellogg’s Corn Pops? How could you? Stay calm. (talks out loud) Hey, anything you got. (thinking) But, oh, that Pops tastes like sweet popcorn. I want them and I can’t have them! Ugh!

NC (vo): These kids are freakin’ nuts! I mean, if you were watching this, you’d think it was something out of a scary film or a psychological thriller or something!

NC: Pops! (holds up a box of Corn Pops and looks at it) I gotta have my Pops!

Man: Let’s go, son.

Young Male #2: Coming! (thinking) Go? And leave without my Corn Pops? Are you serious?

(NC clutches to his box tight; as Young Male #2 speaks the following, NC shakes his box letting loose a bunch of the cereal and tears it apart in fury, and the commercial quickly intercuts with clips from The Shining and The Exorcist.)

Young Male #2:(thinking) Stay calm. Oh, like sweet popcorn, there’s never enough. Now I have to lug this bag on an empty tank, and shag balls for this divot-head who thinks I’m his son, while they get the Pops! Can somebody get me out of this?! (rain starts to fall)

NC (vo): Oh, boy. Better enjoy this movie while you can, folks, 'cause you will never see it in theaters again!

Announcer: ‘Cause he’s the one and only Brer Rabbit! Back again on the big screen in Walt Disney’s happiest classic, Song of the South!

NC:(as the announcer) Did we mention that even though we’re just showing the animated scenes, they’re only about as long as this commercial?

NC (vo): That’s right! The rest is live action, and dealing with incredibly slow-moving racial relations.

NC: Doesn’t that sound like fun, kids? (long pause until the coughing of a small kid occurs)

Announcer: Walt Disney’s Song of the South. Rated G. Now playing at a theater near you.

NC (vo; as the announcer, with accompanying text covering the entire screen): Warning, this Academy Award winning movie Disney will soon be ashamed of. It may or may not be racially insensitive, honestly, it’s sort of hard to tell, but Disney’s not gonna take that chance, anyway. See the film that millions of people around the world are calling…"Okay!"

Grandfather:(pointing to the other doll) I thought this one was Emma Lou.

Girl:(to herself) Grownups.

NC (vo): Yeah, it’s innocent enough, but look at how this ad begins.

Dad:(calling his wife) Mom, you’re a grandma. Twins! Yeah, they just arrived.

NC (vo): Now, what if, for the sake of argument, she didn’t know that was a joke? If your husband called up and said that your daughter is pregnant, would you react so pleasantly?

Dad:(calling his wife) Mom, you’re a grandma. Twins! Yeah, they just arrived.

NC (vo; as the wife on the other end): What? WHAT?! Baby, who touched you?! Who got you knocked up?!

Grandmother: Congratulations, Frank.

Grandfather: We just heard.

NC (vo; as the wife): Frank, tell me what’s happening! Have you called the authorities?

Girl: This is Emma Lou, and this is Diana Marie.

NC (vo; as the wife): Frank, did you try to hang up on me? It’s still on the hook! Give me some answers, damn it! It was Uncle Bill, wasn’t it? I knew his checkered past would ruin this family! Oh, God! My little baby girl’s been deflowered!

Announcer: Cabbage Patch Kids Twins. They arrive together with special adoption papers.

NC (vo): Remember the Wuzzles? These toys were so popular, they got their own Disney TV show. And who can blame them? It was a pretty clever idea. These were toys that combined two kinds of animals, like half hippo and half rabbit. Nothing really wrong with these, except for one lyric that drives me nuts.

Girl #1: ♫ I got a Wuzzle, I’m gonna snuggle. ♫

Hoppopotamus: Name’s Hoppopotamus.

Girl #1: ♫ Cuddly as can be. ‘Cause she’s part hippo and part bunny! ♫

Tough Boy: Hey, if you don’t have the Nerf Arrow Storm, you’re just a target! (The camera shows a boy issuing the Lab Assistants' scream from the first Crash Bandicoot game while being hung on a giant target.)

NC:(reacts in surprise) JESUS CHRIST, KID! (The Tough Kid continues firing randomly.) I thought this was just a game!

Tough Kid: Don’t you get it?

(NC screams as the Tough Kid bangs on the screen, causing it to go static a bit.)

NC:(impersonating as a command officer giving a speech to the marines from Aliens, complete with shots from the movie) All right, marines, here’s the plan: we are going to dress up in alien costumes—get a bunch of garbage bags and the world’s biggest dildos—and we are gonna sneak into the alien’s nest. They don’t have any eyes, so they’ll never be able to spot us. Any questions? (Hudson is shown raising his hand) Yes, Hudson?

Hudson (from Aliens): How do I get outta this chickenshit outfit?

NC:(still as the officer) Shut up!

Announcer: Send in Hicks in a heavily armored E-Vac fighter!

Kid: Send in the marines!

Announcer: Blast ‘em!

Kid: Yeah!

Announcer: And bottle ‘em!

NC (vo): Ah, yes, and bottling! Yes, of course, alien costumes and bottling! This is the future of our military, folks!

NC: WHOA! HEY! KEEP IT CLEAN! Gah, it’s a disturbing commercial. Does it get any creepier than that?

Singer: Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson.

(NC sits with his mouth agape before being interrupted by Herbert from Family Guy.)

Herbert’s Voice: I’m gonna slap you right in your penis.

NC:(shouts into his phone) Shut up!

Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over 50 years.

NC: And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and…well, let’s just say, you and your Johnson won’t be hanging out with any kids anymore.

NC (vo): Commercials like this do make you wonder, though. Are they aware what’s going on? I don’t know, I almost think they planned this so that people will talk about their product more, like, they meant for it to have a double meaning. But I don’t know, maybe I’m sounding like a conspiracy nut.

NC: I mean, can you think of any other commercial that can be taken the wrong way so easily?

Dave: Just wait ‘til you see what I’ve got. (grabs a box) It’s the Wunder Boner!

(Cut to NC’s stunned face with dramatic music sting.)

Fisherman #1:(laughs) The Wunder Boner?

Dave: Ah, you laugh now. Just watch. (NC watches with his mouth agape and shakes his head in disbelief at what he sees) You just assemble the Wunder Boner stand steel rods like this, take the fish, and… (proceeds to de-bone the fish with the Wunder Boner)

Fisherman #2: The Wunder Boner!

(NC continues staring in disbelief as the announcer speaks.)

Announcer: Introducing the Wunder Boner. The amazing new fishing tool that makes de-boning fish a breeze.

NC: OKAY! You had to know what you were talking about! Nobody’s that naïve!

NC (vo): You’re trying to play all innocent when you know that everyone’s gonna be snickering at your commercial, and thus, remembering your product better.

NC: I mean…I might believe that wasn’t intentional if they don’t drop any more innuendos.

Fisherman #2: The Wunder Boner!

Fisherman #1: My wife would like that.

NC:(points to the camera)A-YOOOOU KNOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

NC (vo): You totally know what you’re talking about, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

NC (vo):STOP SAYING THAT! I don’t care if your wife would like one of those; just…keep your fucking Wunder Boner to yourself!

Announcer: The Wunder Boner comes with a polyethylene storage case that doubles as a base and a cutting board.

NC (vo): I mean, seriously! You can’t even say that word without having somebody crack up! Watch!

(Cut to NC at an anime convention in Anime Milwaukee where he gets up on stage in front of an audience.)

NC: Wunder Boner.

(The whole audience laughs hysterically as NC observes both sides of the audience.)

NC: You see?

Fisherman #2: So, uh, Dave, where did you get the Wunder Boner?

Dave: It's funny you should ask.

NC:(yells in slow motion while waving his arms “No”)NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!(speaks at a normal pace) NO! NO!! NO!!!CUT TO SOMETHING ELSE!!!!!

(Cut to the Wunder Boner cases on display.)

Announcer: Order your Wunder Boner now.

NC:(sighs with relief) All right, kids, fucking Wunder Boner is where I draw the line. This was my look at commercials, part 2. I hope you had a lot of fun, thanks for joining me, and…I hope that…you…your Johnson and your Wunder Boner have a fantastic evening. I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and…(sighs and gets up from his recliner to leave) Wunder Boner? Really?