American Women, It's Time to Declare a Sex Boycott

I am 100 percent seriously, actually and with a straight face, advocating a sex boycott by all American women. Starting three days from now (to give all the women in America time to email this to each other and post it on each other's Facebook walls and print out copies for the nice elderly lady down the street who doesn't have wifi), all women will stop having sex (with men) until our demands are met.

Now, we need some simple demands that all American women can agree on and aren't too partisan or specific. I think this is a basic one we can all get behind:

We, all the women in America, refuse to have sex (with men), until all of our elected representatives start actually trying to get our votes.

It's simple, elegant and not even all that demanding, seeing as how courting our vote is a POLITICIAN'S FUCKING JOB.

And yes, ladies, this needs to be a total sex blackout. We can't just stop sleeping with the actual politicians. Eventually, even your husband who cares nothing about politics will be writing his representative on your behalf and encouraging him to meet our demands. I mean, you know your husband. How long do you think he can last without sex?

Now a couple of you are probably thinking that your preferred political party IS trying attract your vote.

The Democrats have Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren and that lady with the tennis shoes in Texas (who right this minute is probably being played by Connie Britton in something). And they keep at least introducing laws like the Equal Pay Act... but if we're being honest with ourselves, we've also noticed that whenever their laws don't pass, our Democratic friends just throw up their hands, go "Republicans, AIMIRIGHT?" and stop trying.

And even if you get all of your news from a fox, if forced, you might admit that the Republicans don't seem to be trying to court the female vote at all. I know that some of you ladies care more about all the other things Republicans have to offer (guns, and military spending, or, more guns, and "fiscal responsibility" which is like, cutting funding for everything except the guns). But even you have to admit that its a little bit annoying that they are cutting off your access to things like equal pay and equitable health care... and yet still taking your vote for granted. Nobody likes being taken for granted.

Okay, now that we're all back on the same non-Partisan page: I wonder how long it would take for us to get our constitutional rights protected if every woman in America "got a headache" until it happened. I think male politicians would try to hold out... but they wouldn't last too long. Judging by how often they get caught with mistresses and prostitutes, politicians seem like a particularly horny group of people. We may only have to suffer for a couple of weeks!

Now, ladies, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that there is a slight chance of failure. There is a chance that what the politicians actually want is for women to stop having sex. I mean, they don't want women to have abortions, or birth control, or equal pay, or government-run social safety net programs. This makes the risks associated with sex (aka babies) so astronomically life-ruining that maybe their goal is actually to stop all the women from ever having sex. And seeing as how they are still pro-Viagra... they can finally have an excuse to stop hiding all the Viagra-fueled gay sex they are having with each other.

Aside from that very real possibility, I think a sex boycott is the only way to get them to finally realize that we are the majority of voters in this country and to start actually trying to get us to vote for them-- instead of just assuming we will fall in line based on how we feel about the environment, or prayer in schools, or how many guns is the right number of guns. And if the only parts of us they pay attention to are our vaginas anyway, let's use them to get what we want.