Instead of Asking "Why Me?” Ask "Why NOT Me?"

Like everyone else, my life has had its share of sorrows—some of them deep sorrows. My father’s death when I was ten years old is at the top of the list. Becoming chronically ill in 2001 is near the top. My father’s death was devastating to me; we were extremely close. One of my responses was to look at other kids my age and ask “Why me?” over and over again, in an achingly painful refrain.

Many decades later, when I got sick and didn’t recover, the “Why me?” refrain started up again. I felt unfairly treated by the world and by my own body. “Why me? Why me?” I’d repeatedly ask. This served only to intensify the resentment I was feeling and the blame I was directing at myself.

I'm grateful that several years after getting sick, I was helped by two women with vastly different backgrounds. The first was Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck. Readers of How to Be Sick will remember her from Chapter Three, where I quote her saying:

Our life is always all right. There’s nothing wrong with it. Even if we have horrendous problems, it’s just our life.

Charolotte Joko Beck

Reading that excerpt from her book Everyday Zen was life-changing for me. “Why Me?” became irrelevant when I realized that there was nothing wrong with my life, even though it included giving up a career years before I felt ready, feeling sick every day, and being severely restricted in my activities. It’s just my life. The realization that there was nothing wrong with my life was a tremendous relief, because it meant there was nothing wrong with me.

I was also helped by country music singer Rosanne Cash. I write about her in the last chapter of How to Be Sick:

In October 2009, I was listening to Terry Gross’ Fresh Air on NPR. She was interviewing country music singer and songwriter Rosanne Cash. Cash had been forced to put her career on hold for several years because she had to have brain surgery for a rare but benign condition. Terry Gross asked her if she ever found herself asking “Why me?”

Cash replied “No,” that, in fact, she found herself saying “Why not me?” since she had health insurance, no 9-to-5 job that she might lose during her long recuperation, and a spouse who was a wonderful caregiver.

Rosanne Cash

I know that not everyone is fortunate in the ways that Rosanne Cash cited. For many people, stress over money and lack of support are ongoing challenges. But, still, no one gets a pass on life’s difficulties, including Ms. Cash: Think about the stress and the fear she must have experienced before and after her brain surgery, with its risks and uncertain outcome.

Rosanne Cash’s “Why not me?” drives home to me the reality that in every household on the planet, in every generation, in every era throughout history, people’s lives have been a mixture of joys and sorrows, successes and disappointments. This realization opens the door to self-compassion because it enables us to open our hearts to our struggles with gentle, soothing care, instead of turning away in aversion.

And so, whenever I feel myself getting by snagged by “Why me?”—with a sigh of compassion for how difficult life can be—I turn that “Why me?” into “Why not me?” and I feel much more at peace with my life.

The oft-brilliant and always interest Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Dan Quisenberry said almost exactly what Rosanne Cash did, many years ago, before he died of a brain tumor (and it wouldn't surprise me if many other people said it before he did):

I imagine many people have said it! I used Rosanne Cash because I was related her interview on NPR. I remember Dan Quisenberry's beautiful looking side-arm pitch. It was supposed to prolong his pitching career. I'm sorry to hear of his untimely death.

Thank you once again for such a thoughtful essay. And it did get me thinking. While I don't think I have asked "Why me?", I have often asked a similar question: Why a chronic autoimmune disease?

While my family has had its share of health issues, no one has had an autoimmune disease, certainly not a rare one. I find myself wondering why my immune system could cause this. But then I would come around to being thankful that while this disease changed my life, if it had occurred at a younger age, I would have been quite financially stressed as well as having muscles that were permanently damaged.

Staying positive, asking the right questions, trying to be as healthy as possible, makes for a busy life.

I'm so glad you liked the essay. My immune system is also compromised although we don't know if it's autoimmune or not. I wanted to share that I, too, am thankful it happened to me after my kids were grown so that while they were in school and living at home, I was able to care for them and attend all their activities.

Good essay reinforcing the message of impermanence. Yes truly why not me? We should reflect on Why me on things we own (material/non material) and many who are deprived of it. We need to be content. Thanks and Regards, Toni.

My husband repeated this to me a couple of days ago when I was really angry about being sick, and more sick, and more sick...I wanted to smack him! I realized that I have wanted to pick my unpleasant life experiences, like "Oh no, the turkey is dry again!", not the ones I got. But it also helps me to stop blaming myself for getting ill, Unfortunately I still have a couple of New Age police after me on this one....

Toni, thank you for such a hopeful blog. I especially love this one. I realized that for me asking the "why me?" question too often got answered with a "should have, if I only, could have" that made me feel helpless. And I was helpless because the answers were most often situated in the past or future. Thank you for a blog that inspires.