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Monday, October 7, 2013

Adoption Misconceptions

Today I will be speaking about something that is close to my
heart. It might have a touch of rant in it so please bear with me. I’m struggling with the misconceptions people
still have about adoption. Misconceptions that still turn up in books for
teens. Misconceptions that could hurt
them.

As most of you know both my children are adopted and we're currently looking for more children, so I do
have very strong feelings about this.

First and foremost, you do NOT ‘give up’ a child for
adoption.Maybe back in the days when
people would hide their pregnancy and never ever see their child again, even
then I’m not so sure.But not now.Not even close. You place a child with
adoptive parents.You NEVER give that
child away. Not only are those words damaging to the child, giving them away is
impossible.Even if a biological parent doesn’t
choose to stay in contact with an adopted child that child is a part of them,
and they are part of the child. There is no way around that.You can no more give those pieces away than
you can cut them out.

Second, placing the child with adoptive parents IS NOT
SELFISH!I can’t believe that people
still believe that! There may be people who do it for selfish reasons but most
of the biological mothers I know that have made the choice to place their child
for adoption made it because it was best for the child, not best for them.Honestly, it is the hardest thing anyone can do.
Ever. Imagine carrying around a Christmas
present for nine months.Holding it in
your hands, all day, every day, arranging your life around it, feeling the
smooth paper, hearing it crinkle, wondering what could be inside. Then, on
Christmas morning, without opening it, you give it to someone else and say
“here, this is for you.”But really, that
doesn’t even cover the pain and sorrow that is involved because a child is part
of you.Maybe I should have likened it
to cutting off a hand and giving it away, but that is a little gruesome. I can’t
even describe the anger I feel when I see a mother who chose to place her child
for adoption called selfish. And when I see it in a book, where it may
influence teenagers I want to cry.Someone may see it, someone who may choose to keep the child because it’s
the ‘noble’ or ‘selfless’ thing to do. And if she’s not ready, if that’s not
the best decision, then they both suffer for it.

Mother’s that place their children for adoption are the
bravest strongest people I know. Calling
girls that place their children for adoption selfish is not only wrong, it is
damaging both to them and the child. It’s an insult because they are being more
selfless than most people will ever be. And putting those things in books only propagates
the hate and misunderstandings.

Another misconception is that only young or teenage girls
place their child for adoption.It’s not
true. Older women, who feel they cannot provide the life they want for a child
also make this decision.The biological mother
of both my children is my age. Which means she was in her mid-thirties when
they were born.

More and more single/young parents are choosing to keep
their child and this is wonderful.If a
mother feels that is best for the child and best for her then I honor her
decision and think she’s amazing for facing this challenge. If she chooses to
place a child for adoption then she is the best and bravest person I know, and
she’s made some adoptive parents so incredibly, indescribably happy. Whatever
she chooses, as long as she’s chosen thoughtfully, is the right decision, and I
support her.Honestly, both choices are
dang hard and she (and the father if he’s involved) are amazing for doing their
best.

If you are facing this decision, good luck to you. Its okay,
take your time and make sure you make the best decision for you and your
family.Talk to people you trust who
accept you. Your family is a good place to start. If you can’t go there, go to
friends. If you don’t have any friends there are agencies and organizations
that will help you. If you can’t find one, or don’t feel comfortable there,
email me.Because someone cares about
you. Even if it’s only me.

29 comments:

I'm an adoptive mom too and so agree with you on this, Sara. Besides the misconceptions about adoption, one of the things that saddens me in children's literature is the fascination with orphaned kids who either have no new family or a bad family. It's so unlike the real situation for adopted kids who have very loving, happy family situations.

Good luck in your adoption of another child. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law leave for Kiev next month to adopt a child. I'm so excited for them. Can't wait to hear your good news too.

I enjoyed what you had to say. I was adopted by my grandparents at the age of 5. My "Mom" was 15 and divorced. She wanted better for me. I never thought of my adoptive parents as my grandparents. I have always acknowledged my "mom" as my sister. The only time it has been a little awkward is when my kids were born. She is not grandma, but she is still considered special. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you and your family have a connection that works for you, and I'm glad you're still able to be part of each others lives.

I almost didn't post this. Adoption, like families, are so varied and complicated they can't be summed up in one post. I know not everyone has had the same experience as I have but there are some things that people need to speak out about or they'll never be changed.

My dad was adopted. Thank goodness!!! You know what I've noticed about parenting in general? People have such STRONG opinions about it. Whether it's accusing a birth mother of being selfish or assuming that, because a father has custody that the mother is selfish or a "bad mother," people are very, very quick to assume the worst. Really, we need to stop being so judgmental. Nobody truly knows why decisions are made. As long as children are loved and taken care of, isn't that all that matters?

It is becoming easier and easier. Most adoptions now a days are open adoptions. Ours are. We are in contact with their biological families regularly. It's easier for the child if they understand the situation. Our kids know both families so there's no mystery as to who or what, plus, they know they why and how of the adoption. They know it was because everyone loved them so much, not because nobody wanted them.

Despite that fact that having four sets of grandparents spoils them rotten, they need the reassurances that come with knowing their biological roots.

I hadn't considered it but maybe I will. I'd have to look around and see what would accept something like this. Plus I'd have to clean it up, check for commas (My Nemesis) and maybe make it less of a rant. :)

As several others have already said, I can't imagine how anyone could even consider associating the word "selfish" with the agonizing decisions that go into placing a child up for adoption. I consider it the ultimate act of selflessness, and a priceless gift for both the child and the adoptive parents.

Thanks everyone for all the support. I'm so excited to hear so many people have connections with adoption, and I'm even more excited to hear that so many of you feel as I do, that these people are amazing and brave and to be admired.

It boggles my mind that anyone who places a child for adoption could be considered selfish. I've always seen it as a great gift--the gift of a better life than the one that parent feels they could provide. How is that a selfish act?

Thanks for writing about this, and sharing a little more about your family. Best wishes you get to add to your brood! :)

I found this blog super interesting. I sometimes handle adoptions as an attorney, and I have rarely had the same uplifting experience as when a family is legally united. So cool and something to be respected.

Wow. Just wow. It's so true. Isn't it crazy how we get things so mixed up in society? My brother is adopting his second child right now, and I know first hand what kind of homes these are, but the emotional repercussions in the biological parents lives... I can't even imagine.