Tag: jonas

PLEASE IGNORE THIS MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR:

My only regret is that I did not hold CTRL+V any longer

okay that’s more like it.

this fucking thing doesn’t work but every so often when it wants to. okay, folks the elf wax times software is breaking down, like our minds. Would you like a new layout? There’s shit we can’t tell you about this site – horrible vulnerabilities that would bottom this piece of shit out if only you knew how to exploit them. But you don’t because you’re a n00b!

It’s becoming harder to manage, and easier to fuck up. Some of the links have stopped working for reasons we don’t care to fix. I don’t care, do you care? Nobody cares. That’s because you’re the kind of fans who would rather jerk your wrinked-up little cocks to Miley Montana than post a comment. And that’s cool.

But what I’m really disturbed to see is that fewer of you are finding The Elf Wax Times by way of “Miley fucks her father” through our good friends at google, better known as the world’s most efficient child pornography torrent finder dot com.

So for the last time (lol jk), we have offered you a beacon of sex googling where the real joke is on your own erection. So be it. You laughed, didn’t you?

Waynesville, N.C.–Good God, what have we created? Readers discover the humor found in this site the same way I discovered adult humor myself, as a small child.

I was a five year old boy, hanging out in the garage, “working” on cars with my Papaw. More like eating caramels in front of a heater on an old ripped-up carseat, but you get what I’m saying. Anyway, he was busy working on something and I got tired of drawing Model Ts and Model As (if ya know what I mean) so I started digging around through some boxes that turned out to belong to my uncle Randy. Man. I hope one day I get to write a book about THAT guy. He’s really something.

Anyway, I find these old porno mags, you know Playboy and whatever else, but there was also Hustler – where the bitches are laid out all spread-eagle spreading their pink so you can practice being a gynecologist in the privacy of your own bathroom. “Holy shit!” I thought. “This is what they have been hiding from me all these years.” I ran with the books to my bedroom, then into my bathroom and touched my weiner to the pages, thinking this is what sex was (it was not as satisfying as I’d hoped), as I took note of a woman able to lick her own genitalia. After numerous failed attempts to do the same, I just sort of continued to rub my weiner all over the pages, because that felt best out of anything. WHAT? I mean, I didn’t know how to jerk off, what was I supposed to do?

In my quest to discover which page felt best rubbed against my weiner, I was fascinated to discover a comic, drawn inside a circle like that failure of a comic you might mistakenly hope to be entertaining and read every couple of years called “The Family Circus.” And what a family this was! It was a girl sucking what the caption would have me believe was her brother’s dick on the front porch while their father stood in the open doorway, pointing her like a dog toward the back of the trailer and yelling a vowel that looked like “eggs.”

“This is what girls are for,” I thought, and stopped rubbing my junk all over the pages. I took immediate comfort in knowing I had used the magazine incorrectly, and that my uncle probably hadn’t pressed his junk against this magazine at all. But in this moment a new realization hits me. What DID hit the pages?

So, I want to know, is that how you guys feel after reading The Elf Wax Times?

Yes, we can acknowledge The Elf Wax Times is just a dick joke you didn’t hope to find while searching for the glory hole nearest you.

actual elf wax related searches include:

1. sexting
2. carl sagan weed
3. sexting pics
4. elf wax

Yes, elf wax is fourth.

5. lesbians

rofl

6-10 are variants on elf wax times, and many others are either not so funny or repetitive..

LAKE PARK, IL.–Area citizens were baffled this week when a local power line was spotted wearing a pair of shoes. The shoes appeared to be slightly worn, Nike® Air Jordan’s, and were first spotted Sunday morning.

Lake Park Police have not yet issued any statements regarding the shoe incident. Though the neighborhood is said to be relatively “quiet”, reports have said that new neighbors have recently moved in whom are rarely seen during daytime hours and have brief visitors that “leave the house within five minutes.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” stated local elementary school art teacher, Kathy McMillan. “In this Obama era, even the bulk transfer of alternating current has the right to be fashionable. Welcome to the Nineties.”

Witnesses have also stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide.