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Quick, name company behind billion dollar bracket promos

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Mar 19, 2014

The billion dollar bracket racket marketing strategy by the nation’s fourth largest mortgage lender and one of the wealthiest men in the world for the upcoming men’s college basketball tournament is one of the best product promotions since Willie decided to give away tours to his highly secretive and tightly guarded candy factory by hiding five gold tickets inside the Wonka Bars he sold for a profit.

As Oompa Loompas, we have a 1 in 9 quintillion chance of picking all 63 games in the NCAA’s March Madness tournament correctly, according to DePaul University math professor Jeff Bergen in order to win the billion dollar prize being offered. So this is what Professor Bergen is saying.

There’s a chance!

It does make $ense for BIG business to sponsor the billion dollar bracket racket but it doesn’t make cents for me to mention their names. Especially, when their respective advertising agencies are paying me the following to state their names.

Nada.

Nothing.

Zilch and….

Diddly squat.

So, Quicken Loans and Warren Buffett are on their own.

Doh!

That helps prove, once their paid names get ingrained into our brain, corporate advertising in the sports world works. When was the last time you heard a friend say they were going to watch the Cavaliers play at the indoor basketball court in Cleveland?

More times than naught they are apt to say they are going to Quicken Loans Arena.

Double Doh!

I’ve got to get Morrie, my accountant, to bill Quicken Loans founder and Chairman Dan Gilbert for column product placement. Hmmmm …. Since I need a new USA Big 3 made automobile for my family needs, I believe a thousand dollars per mention of Quicken Loans should accomplish that purchase.

Quicken Loans to the 2nd power.

Sorry about that you newspaper purists. If Mr. Gilbert paid the right price I would legally change my name to Quicken. Truth is, I’m used to hearing it. After all, that is what my lovely bride Sue, calls me after certain adventures.

Quicken!

Corporate recognition is the main element that affords major conglomerates the willingness of affording the money spent attaching their names to sporting venues that easily allow consumers to associate the sports and business connection of the corporation as one.

Example: Once you hear the name Quicken Loans (Cha-Ching!), the sporting aspect interchanges with the business aspect with the exception being that Kyrie Irving is not going to be your mortgage broker and Jay Farner is not going to be shooting 3-pointers for the Cavs.

Perhaps President Obama on St. Patrick’s Day should have elicited the sponsorship of Quicken Loans (Cha-Ching!) to help make his imposed economic sanctions on seven, count em, seven Russian officials effective enough to deter Russian President Putin’s intervention in the Ukraine.

Shuffling off to Buffalo, Part I — With The Ohio State University Buckeyes’ first game in the NCAA tournament against the University of Dayton Flyers tomorrow, I believe it should not be played at the pre-determined and pre-bidded Niagara Center in Buffalo, N.Y. but in Cleveland at Quicken Loans Arena. (Cha-Ching!)

Shuffling off to Buffalo, Part II — Florida will win the championship game over last year’s Cinderella, Wichita State in AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. Oops! Missed my “Shuffle off to Buffalo” reference by over 1,200 miles.

Regardless, the championship game should be played in Cleveland at Quicken Loans Arena. (Cha-Ching!)

President Obama levied the sanctions after Dmitry Kiselyov, the host of the Kremlin backed TV show “News Week” acting as if he is the Russian love child of Nikita Khrushchev and Joseph Stalin on air said:

“Russia is the only country in the world that is realistically capable of turning the United States into radioactive ash”

Guess who decided to ignore President Obama’s St. Patrick’s Day sanction just a few hours after he issued it? That’s right! Russian President Putin posted a brief statement on the Kremlin’s website that said Russia recognized Ukraine’s Crimean Peninsula as an independent and sovereign country.

Maybe economic sanctions sponsored by Quicken Loans (Cha-Ching!) could help President Obama put a green scare into the red scare, but the truth is the best sponsor would be the American people.

Chuck Hoefert is a Sandusky-based humor columnist. He can be reached at hoefert@hughes.net.