Nothingness

Too much. There’s too much in my head. Can’t think clearly. Can’t process emotions. Ha. What emotions? I feel hollow today. Can’t decide how I feel or think… just empty. Everything’s chaotic yet nothing is happening. Lost a lot of time and can’t find any hints as to what I was doing or where I was at or anything at all. Scared now. What if I did something bad? One of the K’s is mean; what if she hurt someone’s feelings? Or what if something embarrassing happened? I could be the laughing stock of the town right now-how would I know? Deep breaths. Feeling worried now. I think. Hell, I don’t know how we feel! A hundred different emotions all running around inside me, but yet I actually feel none of them. That doesn’t even make sense! For the love of all that is holy, K, just pick a mood and go with it! I need help. Someone tell me how to feel today cause I just don’t know. Time is flying by but I’m sitting still. Brain just won’t function properly. Did I miss some meds? What the hell is going on here? Normally when I have an “episode”, we write. I blog. I journal. I tweet and text and make lists. Pretty much all the K’s either write or draw pictures. But this time, nothing. No clues left behind for K to find. So I’m totally lost. Don’t have any ideas what happened between yesterday afternoon and today. Fuck. I can’t even write. None of this makes sense. What a waste of energy. I am no one. We are nothing. I’m pretty sure we don’t exist today.

5 thoughts on “Nothingness”

this. is. me…. I’m on the upswing emerging out of the darker side of seclusion, but I worry constantly about what other people are thinking, if I embarrassed myself today and wondering if i said something wrong or rubbed someone the wrong way. A part of my mind tells me to just be who I am and others can take things how they will and the rest is history. That helps with some things, for a little while. Sometimes, though, my self doubt lingers and replays in my mind over and over. I’m even double guessing whether I should post this comment because it might sound silly or selfish compared to what you’re going through. I’m very sorry about your mom by the way. Mutual griefs brings people together and part of this is about knowing you’re not alone right? I hope? Thank you K, new stranger, for connecting with me on a deeper level than I can with most “friends”

I’m really glad you decided to leave your comment, and it doesn’t sound silly or selfish at all. I’m glad you’re emerging out of the darkness; I’ve made that journey myself many times and I know what a tough climb it is. Try not to worry so much about what others are thinking-just be yourself. (If only I could practice what I preach!) “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss
I’m really glad you’re reading and that you’ve taken something positive away from my blog. I understand what you mean about connecting on a deeper level–my Twitter friends know me better than my real life ones in so many ways. Welcome. new friend!