Penn Satire, Since 1899

A Open Letter to the Women of Penn Regarding BRF

Bitchy Resting Face, commonly known as BRF, is plaguing the Penn community. The Punch Bowl sent in special correspondent Katie Sgarro to investigate:

For those members of the Penn community who are not already aware, the acronym BRF stands for the unfortunate condition known as “Bitchy Resting Face.” Ever walked down Locust Walk, looked up, and wondered what in the world you could have possibly done to warrant the passing girl’s vengeful death glare? This is a prime example of BRF! Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that her glare really is just her face? The only way to achieve a BRF-free Penn is to stage interventions for those unfortunate girls afflicted with the condition.

Ladies—any decent life coach will warn you that it is crucial to control your resting face. After all, how would you expect to convince anyone to be your friend if your resting face looks like you are plotting to kill? Your fellow students suffering from this condition are clearly in trouble.

BRF is no joke. The terrifying (and seemingly permanent) facial expressions of your female peers have sent many freshmen sobbing back to the Quad, vowing to never step foot in a public place at Penn again. This is simply unacceptable.

I know what you’re thinking: It’s not my fault that my friend has adopted Kristen Stewart’s one facial expression, seemingly forgoing all her previous emotion, happiness, and childhood innocence. You do have a point, women of Penn, but is it not also true that you are fellow Quakers? Is it not true that you bonded over drinking an entire liter of vodka together while chained to a table by Amy Gutmann during orientation? Are you really suggesting this does not make you family?

Women of Penn I urge, even beg you, to confront those girls you know suffering from this debilitating condition. And I know you know who I’m talking about. For instance, if you’re of the sorority persuasion and your “sister” perpetually looks like she’s about to punch her new “little” in the face, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Not only will said “little” run screaming all the way to DRL, but worse yet, your sisterhood’s reputation will be tarnished. Do you really want to be known as the sorority on campus with the bitchy resting faces? I didn’t think so.

More importantly, how are we to properly know what your friend is feeling every minute of every day if she suffers from BRF? And no, Facebook statuses and tweets are not an option. We are all well aware that a true friend should be able to tell what her bff is thinking without words. BRF inhibits this totally adorable method of communication. After all, your bffl cannot possibly be THAT angry when your professor brings her baby to class.

My point? There is simply no amount of makeup that will hide a bad case of BRF. The sheer hatred, and aggression of a bitchy resting face will shine through even the most powerful concealer. The only answer is to confront the victims one by one.

I, for one, do not think I can deal with passing another manic face on Locust Walk at 8AM. For the love of Lindsey Lohan, control your face and in an act of true sisterly love, help your friends control theirs. Here’s to a BRF-free 2014!