Mow Better Blues:
People sometimes assume this column is purely frivolous,
but we also like to explore weighty philosophical
questions, such as Why does God allow
suffering?, What is the meaning
of life? and If you could mow any
lawn in the world, which would it be?

We figured most men would pick the Playboy Mansion lawn.
Instead, they chose the White House, according to a
survey by Murray Inc. Other yards on the most-mowable
list included the golf course at Pebble Beach, the Rose
Bowl, Graceland and the Houston Astrodome. OK, actually,
the Astrodome is our choice, because were lazy.

A companion survey asked women which celebrity theyd
like to have cut their grass. The winner was Tom Cruise,
followed by Mel Gibson and, further down the list, Denzel
Washington, Bill Clinton and Rush Limbaugh (who edged out
Ricky Martin). It was unclear whether the women chose
Limbaugh because they admire him or because they wanted
to see him do manual labor.

Press Releases We Ignored: Some
journalists get free concert tickets and travel junkets
in the mail. Off-Kilter gets death threats and press
releases like these:

-- More Than 600 Studies on Soy Conducted in
Year: One Heck of a Product, Says Top
Nutritionist.
-- Trout Season in the Catskills Opens April
1 With Special Guest Sally Jessy Raphael. On
the next episode of Sally Jessy: Big Mouth
Billy Bass Has 12 Wives!
-- Kellogg Puts Keebler Integration on Fast
Track. Its about time they hired more
elves of color.
-- Honey Bees Contribute Over $14 Billion to
the Value of U.S. Crop Production. OK, but
will the bees benefit from George W. Bushs tax-cut
plan? Nooooo. Bush totally ignored them, despite their
vital economic role.
-- Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Breaking the
Secrecy Barrier. Uh, this is one secrecy
barrier wed like to preserve, thank you.

Mark Your Calendars: April 26 is
National Pretzel Day. According to legend, the pretzel
originated in 610, when an Italian monk baked some bread
dough in the shape of human intestines tied in knots by
irritable bowel syndrome. Whoops, wrong press release.
The shape was actually a child praying with his arms
folded across the chest.

April also marks the 124th anniversary of the first human
getting shot from a circus cannon.

Alarming Trends Bureau: In keeping with
the adage that bad news comes in threes:

-- Kmart is reviving its famous BlueLight
Specials after a 10-year hiatus. The original
BlueLight debuted in 1965 at an Indiana store, and used a
red police light attached to a 12-volt car battery. When
customers complained that the color red was linked to
evil things, it was replaced with
an amber light and, finally, a blue one.
-- A Florida man who builds replicas of KITT, the talking
car on Knight Rider, claims there
are about 400 KITT clones worldwide.
-- A Los Angeles artist known as the Cezanne
of Survivor 2 is selling
paintings inspired by stars of the CBS survival game,
including a series depicting castaway Mike slaying and
eating a pig.

Supermarket Tabloid Story of the Week:
Our time-traveling journalist is on vacation in the
Catskills this week, using Caltechs new
experimental time machine to relive over and over the
excitement of Sally Jessy Raphaels April 1 visit.

In his absence, were peering into the future by
reading the Weekly World News, home of Nostradamus
of the Sea, a psychic talking dolphin. Here
are two of WWNs forecasts: In 2003, space aliens
will take up residence on Earth and stage a Million Alien
March on Washington to demand equal rights with humans.

In 2005, Hillary Clinton and a lady friend
will become the first gay couple to occupy the White
House. Their top legislative priority will be an effort
to ban urinals in all public buildings.