Related

What’s this? Vanderpump Rules aired on a Sunday? This show is about as reliable as hiring Tom Schwartz to bartend. Hey-oh! My apologies for not realizing this. I’m at my parents’ house for the holidays, therefore, we all watched this episode as a family. My mother had a lot of questions.

We pick up where we left off last week with Peter, the Toms, and Jax in Vegas. The Toms got tattoos for their girlfriends. Schwartzy got “Bubba,” which is what he calls Katie.

My Mom: “Seriously? That girl lets herself be called that?”

Tom Sandoval got a flaming “A” for Ariana. “We did a stupid thing in Vegas,” Sandoval tells her. “What, did you [and Tom Schwartz] get married?” Oh, Ariana. We love you. And, apparently, she’s been in comedy shorts that have had like, a million views. So she’s doing a show where she reads from her diary. Let’s take a guess on how she felt about the tattoo.

Jax, Katie, and Kristen are already talking about taking ANOTHER trip for someone’s birthday.

Mom: “Don’t these kids believe in just giving cards and going out to dinner?”

They all talk about how cool Kristen is and how it would be like, a trip to bummer town, if she couldn’t come with them. Well, this negates the entire third season, which was all about Kristen the Monster. We must be watching a Damon Lindelof joint, and we’re suddenly on Lost island—and the smoke monster is Jax’s cologne.

Tom Sandoval’s mother is in town, and Ariana had the decency to hide their bong. Tom brings his Mom to SUR, because on this magical Lost island, there exist only three eateries, all owned by Lisa Vanderpump. Shay and Ariana ask about Tom when he was little, and we’re treated to a picture of Sandoval in a talent competition, looking like he is scared of heights. Sandoval’s mother, by the way, is of course happy to give out the info. Lisa stops by in a visible bra to give her regards.

Kristen comes to Jax for dating advice, which is like getting swimming lessons from a cactus. He helps her find a guy who asks her what her favorite donut is. She finally awkwardly makes out with a guy (er, production assistant) who is 24. Mission accomplished.

Mom: “Is this what people do in bars? … [to me] Oh wait, honey, did you get your clothes out of the dryer? I don’t want them to wrinkle.”

Kristen arrives at SUR with her hair pushed over one shoulder, Gwyneth-style, to show she’s grown up. So grown up that she goes to apologize to Ariana at the bar. “I’m not trying to be your friend,” she offers, but Ariana gives her the glare of evil and says, “My friends are intelligent, funny, thoughtful, and I’ve never seen you be any of those things,” and later, “I don’t care if you are frolicking in a field or taking a sh*t in the streets, just do it away from me.” Is that a Bridesmaids reference?

Mom: “Wow, this Ariana girl really won that fight. [to me] Are you still biting your nails?”

Schwartz goes to a modeling gig! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’d watch a spinoff show called Tom Schwartz, Male Model. He’s so adorable and charming to everyone and they all immediately fall in love with him and want to have his babies. They want to do some shirtless shots, and Tom is all, “but I’m not in the best shape,” and “I have a poochie dad bod,” and then lifts his shirt for them. Oh Tom, you know exactly what you are doing. And it’s working.

Mom: “He’s a model? Not someone that would make me buy clothes.”

Katie stops by and asks Tom about inviting Kristen to their super-special birthday thing, because apparently even though they live together, there’s no time to do it then. Katie feels like Sandoval and Ariana are “pulling a Stassi.” No! Saying that name is like saying “Beetlejuice” three times.

Mom: “Wait, this show is an hour?”

Ariana and Tom do the “My Diary” show, and I won’t bore you with how I recognized all the comics featured, but Jax declares he could be a comedian. Doesn’t he understand irony?

Mom: [about Faith, SURver] “Is that girl’s hair gray? Did she dye it gray? On purpose?”

The gang go for a drink, and there’s not much to discuss except that James kisses Lala about 80 times and we have to hear 37 gross kissing noises. Lala flirts with Jax. News at 11.

Back at Sandoval’s house, the idea of Kristen being invited to the birthday-party trip starts a fight. Katie tries to say that Kristen has changed, but Tom is bewildered that anyone would think he is okay with having her there. “Okay, Stassi,” replies Katie sarcastically. Ariana says: “Who gets to decide when enough time has passed? Not you, not you, not you … me. I decide.” Jax looks pensive and Tom Schwartz adorably eats pad Thai. I know last week I said I loved when they all get along, but there’s nothing as satisfying as a Vanderpump Rules fight.

Expression Of JoyThe Brady Bunch: Groovy! The Bradys: Ritual hugging Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.” Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you? The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…” The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been) Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!” Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?” The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical ProblemThe Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen. The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed. Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents. Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical SolutionThe Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens. The Bradys: Bobby gets married. Married…With Children: They hate him. Thirtysomething: If only we knew… The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

Attitude Toward SexThe Brady Bunch: Never heard of it The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it! Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No. Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident. The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses FightThe Brady Bunch: They don’t. The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens Married…With Children: Tooth and nail Thirtysomething: They stop talking The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into TroubleThe Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette. The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair. Married…With Children: By committing felonies Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket. The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.” The Bradys ”Next time, ask.” Married…With Children: By the authorities Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face. The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For FunThe Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon The Bradys: Has flashbacks Married…With Children: Exchanges insults Thirtysomething: Talks The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved MysteriesThe Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die? The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use? Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other? The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst BehaviorThe Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

Best Reason To WatchThe Brady Bunch: This is what life should be. The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now! Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it. Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life. The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To WatchThe Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses. The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now. Married…With Children: She has a point. Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real. The Flintstones: The Simpsons