The anonymous writings of a girl saving face. With a photo to describe every feeling of the day.

Depression

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Today at church a man came and talked about his daughter, who committed suicide this past year at 17. Now he goes around the country riding his bike, talking to whoever he meets, telling them that life is worth living.

It got me thinking again, of course. And it dredged up all my pain. AGAIN. Stuff I apparently am still holding back. Repress. Stuff. Withdraw. That is what I do. And why shouldn't I? It seems so much easier than dealing with reality. Reality is that every single one of my friends - which is very hard to come by in the first place - has abandoned me. No one is still around. Erica. Amber. Jason. Reece. Chris. Sarah. Todd. I feel like I have the plague...I'm too needy, clingy, whatever. I feel like everyone has flaws, but for whatever reason, mine are so huge that no one will ever accept me. Another girl was crying tonight, and everyone surrounded her and talked to her and accepted her. But no one can see - perhaps because I stuffed it - how much pain I am in. How much just thinking of those names above, makes me depressed enough to become suicidal because it takes me a year or so to find friends and then I can't keep any of them for more than a couple months. That hurts.

Then again, I know that the more I stuff things, the more numb I become to feeling pain or sadness or happiness at all. The more I hold back, the more quiet I become. And I know if I just let it all go, I'd be a more bubbly and happy and talkative person. But I don't know how else to deal with this pain. I've been dealing with it this way - by repressing, stuffing, and withdrawing - since I was a child. I don't know what else to do.

Monday, December 21, 2009

I have been feeling rather weepy the
last couple days. Normally I would attribute such an occurrence to an
onslaught of hormonal tendencies, usually conducive to PMS (he he, I
wanted to sound really smart. So I wrote that sentence). But that's not
the case. I just finished about a week ago so it's not that.

Today I'm just in that "blah, woe is me,
I really want a boyfriend, someone who can hold me, right now" mood. I am
tired of waiting for it. It has been almost 2 years since my first and
only ex thus far. Will be around February 14th, woopty doo. I am tired
of those who say just wait, someone will come along. No, I think no one
is coming along for me. I am 28!!! Feeling more and more like an ugly
old maid everyday. Only I am not ugly. I am a singer, a
dancer, and an actress. And I am thin! I don't understand why I'm
single. I'm not overly confident, and alot of times I'm shy...but then, who wants to date a snob
anyway? Don't really understand what's wrong with me, there are plenty of ugly and fat people who have someone! Not to be mean...but it's true!

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Aggh I'm so hurt right now. The pain is gushing out on the inside, threatening to cascade in a waterfall of tears and I don't have any way to release but to write here where no one even hears. I just wish I had one person to talk to about this…well, besides my parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful I have parents that care. But…there is something about having a heart-to-heart with a peer who understands you and gets you and cares about you. I still feel like I haven't found that.

I really should've seen this one coming. He's done it before. But you know, I hoped things were different now, because of how close I felt we were on Friday. He asked me, and only me, to go dancing with him tomorrow. I text him to see what time so I could re-arrange some other plans I had for the day, and he goes "it's going to have to wait until next week." No explanation why or anything. And this isn't the first time. Something better always comes up, usually involving a girl, where he has to cancel at the last minute. Case in point - the last time we were supposed to go dancing. And then, being a whole 4 hours late for my birthday party because of some girl he took to dinner…when he knew about my party WEEKS in advance and could've schedule that dinner for any other night. Why I saw myself as anything other than a mere person to hang out with as a last resort for erasing boredom, I don't know.

But it hurts, because people keep doing this, over & over. He's not the first. And they are usually the people I consider to be my closest friends, which is the worst part. I long for the day when I meet someone who actually keeps their word to me no matter what other amazing plans come up. I guess I just need to accept that I'll never be cool enough to be the one that people cancel other plans to hang out with. :/ Not that I would wish this circumstance on anyone.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

I wish I had someone real to talk to about all this. But instead, I am creating yet another blog. I'm not really sure why. I guess, to get out all the stuff I can not say. Yes, this is really just another mask. But the mask protects. No one wants to know the real me. So I continue the facade.

At least this will be some release, some escape from the happy smiley face I must put on every day. All I really want to do is let down the mask and find that there is someone on the other side that accepts the bad and the ugly anyway. Someone who sees the raw and the bloody and doesn't run screaming away. Oh to be held in his arms, if only for a day. Why everyone else must have someone, I shall never understand. I am beautiful, I am sweet. Yet, I am ALONE, always ALONE.

Photo Feeling of the Day: All dressed up with nowhere to go, mask of alone. But hope is somehow still on the horizon.