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The Bachelorette Contestants Reviewed

I’ve spoken briefly in the past about how I enjoy the horribly trashy television gold that is The Bachelor franchise. Reserve your judgement, for it is the ultimate in garbage guilty pleasure tv. It’s best enjoyed if you pretend that everyone on the show is acting and make fun of everything that happens. And if you are simultaneously enjoying a glass of wine.

Anyway, the new season of The Bachelorette is gearing up to start next Monday. The contestant bios were released yesterday, and boy do we have some gems this season! The bachelorette this year is the beautiful Rachel Lindsay, a woman who got second runner up on the last season of The Bachelor. She’s funny, confident, smart (she’s a lawyer!) and to be honest she is way too good for this show.

Princess.

And today with the release of her potential suitors, I thought it would be fun to go through them all and make fun of them discuss. There are THIRTY ONE (!!!!!) guys this season, and many of them look the same, so we’ll attempt to keep it short.

First up we have Adam, 27. He mentions his most embarrassing moment is when he told his mom he was going on The Bachelorette, which I appreciate. He then goes on to say that he loves Jennifer Lawrence because “she is every girl’s goal” (which is false). He also uses “LOL” in one of his answers, which I both love and hate.

Next is Alex, 28. Alex lists his favorite “artist” as The Rock and states that he once ate a live salamander. I feel bad for the salamander. Alex also says he likes “a woman that pursues [him]”, which leads me to believe this may not be the best reality show for him. Perhaps he’ll make it far enough to be the next Bachelor and have better luck there.

Next is Anthony, 26, who describes himself as “emotionally intelligent” which makes it seem like he watched last season. He’s also a Fulbright scholar, taught English in Indonesia, AND has read at least one book! Honestly Anthony seems really smart and down to earth, and (like Rachel) way too good for this show – glad to see they stepped up the casting for our girl ❤

Blake E., 31, is up next, and is the first of 2 Blakes. I hate when reality shows cast people with the same name – there were like 5 girls named Lauren on The Bachelor two seasons ago. Anyway, Blake E. is an “aspiring drummer”, and whenever “aspiring” is in front of someone’s job on this show, I immediately assume that they don’t have a real job. Blake also lists the fact that he is sensitive and patient as some of his WORST attributes, neither of which are actually bad??????

Our second Blake is Blake K., 29. He is also our second contestant to mention The Rock. I’m not mad about it. He also says his favorite flower is roses, to which I instinctively rolled my eyes. However, Blake K. also loves his parents and Chipotle, which I relate to, and said he would do anything except “wrestle a crocodile or eat monkey brains” for love. He seems like he could be a fun one.

Brady, 29, has the swooshy hairstyle that is so common on this show these days. He’s a male model who says his favorite things to do in his hometown are “go to the beach, go to the lake, go sledding, tackle snowmen”. I didn’t know of a place where you could do all four of these things – Brady is from Miami. Has it ever snowed in Miami in your lifetime, Brady??

Bryan, 37, is the oldest contestant this season and I’m honestly surprised that they cast a 37-year-old. Not that that’s old by any means, but they rarely cast over the age of like, 30. Bryan also uses “lol” in his bio (twice!), and doesn’t seem to know how to count to 3 – when asked to list his 3 best attributes, he says “affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart”. That is exactly seven attributes, Bryan. He’s a little weird. Next.

Bryce, 30, looks like they may have taken the photo before he was ready. He says he could “see himself being” Matthew McConaughey. He also says he wants to be a professional instagrammer, which is relatable, and shows that this is definitely the right show for him. I am also fairly certain that Brady, Bryan, and Bryce are all slight variations of the same person. Like they all came out of the same factory.

We’ve got a gem coming up here with Dean, 26, who looks 15. He has “righteous” tattooed on his inner lip. His instagram username is “deanie_baby”. He believes marriage is “an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs”. Obviously going on a dating show where the end goal is marriage was a great choice for Dean! I see him getting eliminated early but kind of secretly hope he stays for a while and causes lots of drama.

Next is probably my favorite so far – DeMario, 30. He seems hilarious and fun. When asked if he has any phobias, he says “no, I’m perfect”. Amazing. He also admits he loves attention. His ideal mate is “geeky but cool like The Fonz” and he wants to own a lion named Denzel (who doesn’t?). DeMario also used 10 exclamation points and shifted to all-caps twice in his bio. I hope he lasts a while.

Eric, 29, seems relatively normal. He lists his favorite drink as “green drink” (does he mean like those green smoothies?) and said if he could go back in time to live in any time period, he would go back “before money was involved”. So I guess he wishes to be a caveman. At least he has a nice smile.

Fred, 27, looks a lot older than 27 but I guess what do I know. He has two degrees and lists Jean-Michel Basquiat as his favorite artist, which shows he actually knows what an artist is. His biggest date fear is having his card declined, which I relate to very much. Fred gave pretty short answers so it’s hard to get a lot from him, but he seems to be an interesting and nice guy. And he wore a sweater in the photo so he must mean business.

Grant is 29 and looks like he borrowed Bryan’s shirt for the photoshoot. Do you think these guys share clothes like the Bachelor girls do? Honestly there is nothing super interesting in his bio to share. Hopefully he is more interesting on the show. I feel like Grant would also enjoy a career as a professional instagrammer.

I’m beginning to regret writing this post but we’ve come this far.

Ignacio “Iggy” is 30, and lists both his best and worst traits as passionate, loyal, and witty. I can’t tell if this is Iggy’s attempt and showing us how witty he is but I don’t think it’s funny. He says he hates it when his date “is dumb”. How weird, I hate it when my Bachelorette contestants are dumb! Next.

Here’s a fun one – Jack Stone, 32. Why is he billed as “Jack Stone” instead of just Jack? Is Stone his last name? I have a lot of questions. Jack Stone looks like an off-brand Paul Rudd. He also says he likes tulips because they are “like roses without thorns”. There are many other flowers that do not have thorns, Jack.

Jamey, 32, has a dumb name and worse answers!! He also looks like Robby from Jojo’s season, who I hated, so that’s not doing him any favors. No but I’m serious, his answers just sucked. When asked where he sees himself in 5 years, he responds that he tries not to make plans in life. A really great quality everyone looks for in a mate, I’m sure. He also says he does not have any female friends. I wonder why, JAMEY.

Jedidiah, 35, is so weird. He feels the need to tell us that every dog he’s had in his life has been over 50% wolf, and that he only likes wildflowers that grow in high altitudes. He also LOVES scrambled eggs – as far as breakfast foods go, you chose scrambled eggs?? And he’s also only 5’10” which is the shortest so far, meaning he will probably have some kind of complex about being short around all the tall guys this season. I look forward to this drama.

Next is Jonathan, 31, who says his occupation is a TICKLE MONSTER????? He is undoubtedly going to be this season’s gimmick contestant, like that girl two seasons ago who loved chickens. I also assume he does not have a real job. I did not read the rest of his bio because he is going to leave the first night and it won’t matter anyway. Also, of course he’s from Florida.

Josiah, 28, is our second contestant who cannot count to three. For his 3 best qualities, he lists “height, smile, hair, personality, public speaking”. He didn’t even try to squish them together into 3 like Bryan did. The only other thing mildly interesting is that, like Rachel, he is also an attorney. I’m sure they’ll try to make some big thing out of that on the show.

Next is Kenneth aka “Diggy”, 31. He has cute glasses. I’m concerned about the fact that we have both a “Diggy” and an “Iggy” on this show, as if the viewers at home are not already going to be confused by two Blakes. Diggy names The Devil Wears Prada as one of his favorite movies, which gains him some points. He seems a bit out there. We’ll see where this one goes.

Kenny, 35, gives us our third mention of The Rock. I wonder what all these guys thought of Moana. Kenny mentions that he once sent someone a different Edible Arrangement every day for a birthday week – which I am now expecting for my next birthday week. I’m also intrigued by the fact that he has a daughter. Maybe I haven’t been paying attention (entirely possible at this point) but have any other guys mentioned having kids? Is Kenny going to be this season’s Dad? I’m gonna go ahead and say very likely.

Next is Kyle, 26. I’m going to share with you the only answer of his that matters – when simply asked, “Gluten?” (which is not a legitimate question), Kyle’s response is “Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.” I have no further comments.

Lee, 30, is a singer/songwriter from Nashville. Again with the same swooshy hairstyle. His answers are pretty much what one would expect from the singer/songwriter from Nashville. Interesting to note that it doesn’t say “aspiring” next to his career though. He’s also another Matthew McConaughey fan. These guys really are all the same, aren’t they?

Next is Lucas, 30, who I immediately hate. He listed his career as “whaboom”, and your guess is as good as mine as to what that means. He’s also the second person to throw shade at The Situation from Jersey Shore, which I find unnecessary since he seems to be just as much of a douche as The Situation was in his prime. Lucas also says that his ideal mate would look like Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, or Jessica Rabbit. I’m uncomfortable.

Matthew “Matt” is 32 and it bothers me that he felt he needed to clarify that “Matt” is a nickname for Matthew. Anyway. He seems pretty normal/boring – volunteers, likes team sports, wants to hang out with Matt Lauer. I have no material here. Next.

We have to be nearing the end here. We are halfway through the alphabet. Please let us be nearing the end.

Next we have Michael, 26, who is a former professional basketball player…in Bulgaria. It does not list what his current job is, which leads me to believe it is either boring or nonexistent. He’s also at least the 4th person to mention Denzel Washington as his favorite actor. No shade towards Denzel (the actor, not DeMario’s pet lion) but I’m beginning to think these men are not familiar with many actors.

Milton, 31 is next and he is Here For The Wrong Reasons™: when asked “what do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?” he straight up says he wants to be “discovered”. Go ahead and throw him on the pile with the other professional instagrammers. He also says being romantic “can show you’re weak”. Have any of these men ever watched this show before??????

Next is Mohit, 26, who actually seems pretty sane and funny. His favorite childhood memory is meeting the Power Rangers, and I also liked his answer for what marriage means to him – “A bond for life, being with my best friend and someone I can grow with.” Solid. He’s also self-deprecating, admitting that his hair “could use some work”. I always like a person who’s not afraid to make fun of themselves.

I just scrolled ahead and we only have 3 guys left. Thank the ABC gods.

Peter is a 31 year old “business owner” (what kind of business is not specified) and I am not convinced that he is a different person than all the ones we saw up there in the Bs. Swooshy haircut again. Idk, he’s not interesting. He’s afraid of heights so hopefully we’ll get to see him freak out on a helicopter ride or something.

Rob, 30, is a law student living in Texas but originally from Canada…which means he’s this season’s Canadian! He’s not bad to look at either! He seems like he could be a good one honestly – pretty down to earth and makes a few jokes in his bio that I enjoyed. Stick around for a while, Rob.

And our final guy – Will, 28. He likes Star Wars and Jurassic Park and hates Tinder dates. He seems pretty generic. Sorry I couldn’t finish off the list with someone more interesting…these men are 90% the same.

I can’t believe I just went through all of those. Why are there 31 men? I can answer that for myself – a third of them are probably just fillers that they can easily send home the first night. Anyway, if you made it through all that, thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully it helps us both tell these guys apart a little bit better come premiere night. Just kidding, I wrote it and I still can’t tell all of them apart.

My frontrunners after writing this are DeMario, Rob, Mohit, and one of the Alex/Bryan/Bryce lookalikes. One of them. I don’t know. Hopefully the professional tickler and “whaboom” go home night one. We’ll see what happens. If you haven’t already, join us and watch the Bachelorette on Monday nights! It’s sure to be a fun time. And if it isn’t, at least we can all hate it (and ourselves) together.