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Thank you. Regarding my brother, fortunately, his interests are protected, physically, by his nursing agency, and financially, by his trust. Otherwise, he'd have been taking out of there a long time ago. (Credit where credit's due, he's probably the only child of hers that hasn't been abused, due to his circumstances. What a price he's had to pay, as a human being, though, to avoid that. Ironically, enough, he's better off, there, than being in a facility. But again, that's only because of the nurses and the trust.)

Thank you for sharing that excerpt...not only does it fit my situation to a "t" (a bit literally, in my particular case, in a way that's a bit unnerving), but Greek mythology has been a big influence on me, as well, and I've worked out my issues in the past by recreating them as allegorical myths. I've long thought that Greek myths have a lot to say, psychologically. The Gordian knot concept is one that has a of appeal to me, but I never knew the connection between it and Midas. (Need to bust out my Edith Hamilton, again...) also compliments well the book I just read, THE NARCISSISTIC FAMILY, by Robert M. Pressman and Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, which starts out by explaining not only the character of Narcissus, but the often-overlooked character of Echo...(ironically, enough, since that's the point of Echo, to be forgotten...)
(That book gave me a great insight, today...that the child of an abusive, narcissistic parent is in a role-reversal. That the child exists to meet the emotional needs of the parent, and not the other way around.)
Thank you, again, for your post, and your efforts to get GOING MAD...back out there.

Not daily, and not in journal form, but I do write out my thoughts on this. I do find the act of writing things out helpful for clarity, and it does help to balance me out when emotions start to take over.

What really gets me, and what prompted me to change my number entirely, was the dismissal of how I've been feeling about learning about my father's death, the info that was kept from me that allowed me to rationalize her abuse all these years. I've had only a year, so far, to process this, and that was while she was in the hospital, when I not only couldn't confront her, but felt compelled to keep going back there, for her own sake, when what I really wanted to do was turn around and never come back. I put off even bringing it up until she was well enough, and had to pretend that I wasn't angry, for her health's sake. I did want to give her a chance to explain/defend herself, at least. And even with two attempts to convey to her what she did to my father, despite her denials, and her counter-accusations towards everyone else, I'm supposed to just be ok with it because she it's in the past, and can't be undone? She didn't even try to apologize for that the way she did about other things (even if she continued to rationalize those things immediately after!).
She thinks I am I persecuting her??? When she called everyone else liars, and claimed that the police report lied? When both his family, HER family, and her friends, and her OWN STATEMENT in the police report condemn her denials as lies??? And her own admission to the events leading up to the events of that day??? How can she say that when she threw his family under the bus, and had no problem when I cut them out of my life based on her accusations about his death, 20 years ago???
And she talks about the past wrongs, without even seeing what she's been doing in the present years, to boot...
If she thinks I am persecuting her, so be it. But how am I supposed to just be fine with what she did, when she doesn't even think she did wrong, let along understand why he killed himself over her??? What does she think I would feel over that???
I can't even look her in the eyes, anymore, let alone say " I love you, too..." (Already, that was my response to her saying "I love you" at the end of a phone call, etc...and it was always strained. Now, I can't even muster that much.)

I'll be ok on that front, thanks.
But maybe someone can help me make peace with this...
I did the next step and had my phone number changed. She didn't get the idea that I was blocking her, and some text messages came through, yesterday. First one, while I was at work, just saying that she got a new phone, how was I...didn't answer her. Then, as I got home, another asking if I got her message, and if I was mad at her. I decided to answer, and said I'm past being mad, but I am still raw about a lot of things, it's too much too handle/process, and that I can't take much more, that I need to get myself sorted out. She goes on saying that she was sorry that she couldn't get me anything for me birthday, but she did call and left a message online saying happy birthday. And, that because the money was cut, she's not making ends meet, and that her new phone is a government phone, etc...
I responded that it has nothing to do with my birthday; she asks why, then, and I said about everything else I've told her about, already, that I don't want to rehash it.
Her response: "So why are you mad at me for something I already did and can't take back? How many times are you going to persecute me for the same thing?"
I stopped, after that, and changed my number. My therapist warned me that would happen. I was so worried about not hurting her, not making things worse, and he said that she probably wouldn't respond the way I thought she would, that she wouldn't be remorseful. He was right. She totally ignored my well-being while I've been worried about hers. (The therapist also told my that my empathy was misplaced.) She said she didn't understand why my father's point of view, and he killed himself. Now, I think I really feel his side of it, because she totally ignored my own pain, even as I was trying to put the emphasis that this was not about my anger but my own well-being.
Persecuting her? She would know if that was my goal. I just want to be away.
Feeling better than I did last night, although, when I feel better, than I start to worry about her, again. But then, even though I changed my number, my stomach dropped twice at a text message I received from someone else, thinking it was her. I have to keep reminding myself of all the bad. Yet, I don't want to do that, because then I fixate. I just want to move on, at this point. One day at a time, I suppose.

Hoping some experienced people can offer some advice. I finally did it. After some therapy sessions, and continued anxiety, I made the decision to distance myself from my mother. I blocked not only her, but my sister, and my mother's immediate family, on Facebook, and set my phone up to block their calls until I decide whether or not to get a new number. I am experiencing a great deal of anxiety since last night, when I did that, being that it's my birthday. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it, today, but for several weeks, she's been messaging me how much she loves me, misses me, etc, etc, and I can't even say it back to her, anymore. (I take some time away for my own health and needs, such as moving, being without a car for a time, etc, and I'm "missed" because I'm not there working for her. Or able to "lend" her money because I've already gone into debt during this ordeal.)
I am, however, going through a lot of anxiety at the moment. I have had three sessions with a therapist before this, and know that this is the right choice. And I did anticipate the anxiety. Does anyone who's gone through this already have any advice on how to stay the course? Thanks, in advance.

Heavydirtysoul, I'm of a similar mindset, in that I'm homosexual, but not a fan of the "gay community", the adoptive feminine characteristics, or the hedonistic lifestyle. I don't know if I'd consider homosexuality a defect, but I've felt the difficulty of being such, of course. And I've had those feelings of coming home to an empty apartment, thinking that something was missing. To that, all I can offer is that when I get like that, I remind myself of my philosophical take on things, to not focus on what I can't or don't have, and to focus on what I can or do have. In other words, "crisis=opportunity." I hope you can find something in that.
All the best to you.

Hoping to get another bit of insight, if anyone has the time...
It's been a over three months, almost 4, since I touched base on this, now seems a good time, since a lot's happened...since then, I've been in the hospital for what seemed like a heart attack, most likely a severe panic attack, brought on by this ongoing situation (with added stress that from drama from another family member...) At the same time, my car started overheating during some emergency, preventing me from getting to Jersey from PA. I would have gotten rid of the car, then, if it weren't for the need to go to Jersey often for my mother's sake. That hit me with an ER bill for $900, and $800 for a new radiatior...all while saving up to move, next month.
Since then, things have slowed a bit, after some more medical drama. My brother's trach was ripped out by a careless nurse, sending him to the ER. He's good, now...mother thought she was having heart attack, turned out possibly to be a panic attack, only to turn out to be two blood clots, one in each lung. They cleared those up, but now, the ilesotomy is most likely to be permanent, due to complications making a reversal risky. And on top of that, she has what seemed to be a large hernia, only to to be revealed as abdominal wall weakening from the surgeries, causing a large bulge from her abdomen. Too dangerous to fix, because the bowel, while not herniated, is right behind it, and not worth the risk to fix. Has to wear a binder and restrict lifting.
So, now, she's in limbo, physically, while having to care for my brother overnights, now, since she's been reduced to 16-hour nursing. He's in bed overnight, but if something happens to her overnight, they're both alone. Meanwhile, I've been able to catch my breath, slightly, but now, my car blew both brake line and transmission at the same time. Can't afford to fix it, still paying off MY hospital bill and previous repair, and moving expenses. I've already driving with the bad radiator once, and got lucky that this happened at home, after deciding NOT to go to Jersey, that day. (Was going to get her cases of water for my brother's equipment, but had them delivered, instead.) Meanwhile, her van is in the shop for a month, but his trust is paying that ($ a 7000 repair bill, to top mine...)
I am not planning to replace the car anytime soon. I can get to work by bus, with the same commute time, and can use car share when I need a car. But I also feel like it's a relief to have a legitimate excuse not to go to Jersey on short notice. (I can take a bus there, if need be, or car share, for shorter trips.) But I haven't seen her but once since Mother's Day, and I could barely look at her. I gave her $25 for mother's day, waived the $50 she borrowed by having me order med supplys, and bought her a new doorknow. A nurse busted her doorknob, and it was a fancy french handle, costing $120 at retail...she insisted on the same one, to match the other door. (Apparently, beggars CAN be choosers.) On top of all that, she had the nerve to argue about a pair of sandles I may or may not have thrown out last summer when her house was a wreck and being fixed. (Already had it out with her over the spice rack.) She said they were brand-new, and I said, "well, maybe you need to take better care of your brand-new things", since they were probably covered in dog hair or adjacent to dog shit on the floor over a hot summer. Took her to her mother's for mother's day, and she BRINGS UP THE SHOES AGAIN, in front of me, to my grandmother. I shot her a look from across the room, and that was the last straw, for me.
I've tried. I really have. And I know what she is.
So, WHY AM I FEELING GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING INTO FURTHER DEBT TO PAY FOR MY CAR REPAIR THAT I CAN'T AFFORD? OR TO RUSH OUT AND BUY/LEASE A NEW ONE? WHY? WHY?
I will actually be relieved to go carless for a while, for my own sake, so I can catch up on bills, and all...get another one when I'm able...But I've already put myself in the hospital from anxiety over her, wearing myself and my resources thin, and still feeling guilty, when I know I shouldn't.
WHEN DOES IT STOP???

Ninja, I started to write something else, which is below, but I think this has to come first: you wrote
"...there is the fear of interacting with him, putting up with the non reality, untruth, disassociation, and sometimes still, though I am almost 30, agression and possibly physical violence." To which it has to be said: DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER. If there is a real and possible threat of violence towards you, as a result of YOUR assistance, you owe NO duty to help this man.
That said... Sorry to hear you're going through that. I'm going through a similar situation, which is what brought me to this site. I've also reached that feeling of hitting a "breaking point." And although I know, intellectually, that one has no "duty" to help abusive parents, I still FEEL that I do, in some way. Perhaps the most helpful information I've received, via one of Stephan's Molyneux's videos, which is also noted in an earlier comment by Dayna J, is about the variation of "Stockholm Syndrome" that occurs between abusive parent and child, where the child's survival needs override the anger towards the abuse. As Dayna put it:
"From a psychoanalytic lens, it can be argued that Stockholm syndrome arises strictly as a result of survival instincts. Strentz states, 'the victim’s need to survive is stronger than his impulse to hate the person who has created the dilemma.' These sentimental feelings are not strictly for show however. Since captors often fear that their affection will be perceived as fake, captives eventually begin to believe that their positive sentiments are genuine.'" And here is the video of Stephan's that discusses it:
(Around the 9:30 mark, talking about the loyalty of children to abusive parents having an evolutionary explanation, discussing Regina Sullivan's research in abusive mother rats and the offspring's fear and avoidance centers in the brain being suppressed.) I'd like to read more about that, myself, but it really makes sense to me. For the longest time, I couldn't reconcile my anger and need for self-preservation with my "instinct" to help out. It really felt like something was overriding my intellectual judgement.
In your case, it sounds like something for you to consider in regards to your insistence that you have a "duty" to care for your father. (That could be part of your personal philosophical belief, as well, though,so I don't want to assume.) But either way, something to consider. But please, consider this even more: normally, I'd say that, ultimately, it's your choice to help or not, depending on the severity of the situation. Cutting out one's family is a hard thing to do, even when one is convinced, intellectually, that it is the right thing to do. That's the whole point of understanding the "Stockholm Syndrome." But understanding doesn't always make it easier, either; emotions are hard to overcome. But one thing stands out in your original post, that requires a strong warning: "...there is the fear of interacting with him, putting up with the non reality, untruth, disassociation, and sometimes still, though I am almost 30, agression and possibly physical violence." One thing I had to learn in my own situation is that any help I give has to be done on MY terms, that I have not just the RIGHT, but the DUTY TO MYSELF, not to put myself in harm's way, or allow myself to be abused again, whether physically or emotionally. You will have to learn that, too. But if you're truly concerned about aggression and physical abuse as a real, physical possibility (and now just a triggered "flight or flight" response from the past), I'd STRONGLY advise you to keep your distance. No good can come of it. Either you get hurt, or you defend yourself and hurt him, which will probably bring up more (unearned) guilty feelings on your part. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE DUTY TO PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER FOR THIS MAN.
I hope that helps some. I feel for you, take care of yourself.

Thank you, both. No, not living with her. I'm in Pennsylvania, she's in New Jersey, about an hour's drive one-way. (I have only been considering moving back to my hometown; there wouldn't be room in the house even if I were to move in to take care of her.) I am looking at professional counseling, and have a consultation this week. Although I wound up exploding before that, anyway, with her, which made her cry. I hated doing it, and hated seeing it, but it was inevitable. I did discuss some issues with her. She does express remorse, and I truly believe that she is sorry about the past, yet, at the same time, she still doesn't understand some of the reactions of people towards her. The venting DID help, and I took her to see my brother, shortly after that, which was a good thing. I don't want to keep blowing up at her, but yes, I've finally accepted that I need a professional ear.
Thank you, and sorry to hear that you had to go through that.

This is a question regarding "The War Against Men" video , with Tom Golden, from Dec. 2016... Re: Men being "less than" if they don't provide, coupled with men having to prove themselves while the women don't: in addition to the expectatinos of men while courting women is there any research or insight about this regarding adult sons taking care of a mother, when the mother has had multiple children with multiple fathers, and worn through them or alienated those fathers, leaving only the sons to take care for her? And when the adult child encounters difficulty doing so, whether the mother was abusive, or if his own life requires a lot of attention elsewhere, are the same expectations and stigma involved?﻿ Thanks in advance.

Speaking of closure: I've been trying to ride this out until both my mom and brother are up-and-running on their own, but something happened that makes me think I'm not going to make it that far without exploding. I know no one can tell me what to do, that it's my decision, and that it won't be easy, ultimately, but maybe there's some insight that will guide me towards the least-damaging option. My mom's on the mend, herself, but still using me to make phone calls, etc, about my brother, and I don't have all the info I need. My mom plays helpless, I tell her to ask questions, that's what I do, and she says, "yeah, but you ask them better." I'm following up on med info I have no clue about. Meanwhile, she gets Comcast to come out in in a snowstorm to fix her cable. COMCAST. So I know where her priorities are, and that I'm being played. I tell her the situation with my brother, what they're doing, and she calls them "stupid" because of info she tells me that no one has told them. I said that I don't know that info, therefore, I can't tell them. They don't know that info, because no one has told them, therefore, they can't act on it. She knows the info, therefore, SHE needs to tell them. All of a sudden, she becomes phone stupid: "who do I speak to? What number? Then what?" I set her up with the info, even call ahead for her. She tells me that the person wasn't available, they would call back (that's normal). Then says " I hope they call me back." I said don't hope, call them back if they don't call in a reasonable time. A meek "ok" is my response. This is all while I'm at work, and she's at home. I leave work a couple hours later, and get a text at home. I'm thinking it's to say that she spoke with someone. No. It's an angry text about "where's my spice rack?", "you didn't need to throw it out" (regarding the house renovation from the flood), "there are hundreds of dollars of spices there", and "I don't even have garlic for my spaghetti." This is a woman who is constantly crying poverty, receiving food stamps, borrowing money off my grandmother who has little money herself, crying over hundreds of dollars in...spices. (It's not just the spices; she was previously yelling over a lost pizza cutter and hot dog tongs, as if she couldn't use a knife or fork for the same purposes.) I originally can't read past the first line. My roommate reads the rest for me, says I don't want to read it. I'm livid. I fought my instinct to respond. The spice rack IS there; I just stashed it away in the pantry closet. ( I had to rush a lot of things to get the house liveable again for her under a deadline, as it was.) She can't get riled up to call about her son, but she can rile up about spices. And cable tv. I don't deserve this. I understand why she's doing it; she feels out of control, so she tries to control the things she can. Then I stop. I am not her therapist. I am not her whipping boy. And I am not to be controlled. But I am ready to go to that house, pull out the spice rack, and dump them on the floor. (I won't, but that's how I feel.) So, now, what? Do I argue? Do I help with medical appointments, but otherwise silent treatment? Do I tell her I can't do this, anymore? Or do I just stop altogether? I don't want to make it worse, but I know the situation is not going to get better, either. I don't want to tell her how I really feel, and be responsible if it aggravates her illness, or worse, drives her to do something.
I am tempted to keep following up regarding my brother while he is in the facility, as I am ad litem in the case she dies or is incapacitated. But she's already used that to try to push responsibility for him onto me, know. I didn't sign up for that. If I keep following up, then I fall into that trap, but I don't want him to suffer. (The worse that will happen is the state would intervene. As an anarchish person, I hate that idea, but at the same time, she is a government dependent by her beliefs and actions, perhaps I shouldn't feel guilt about that situation, then, regarding my brother. I feel like I'm trapped by that situation against MY beliefs, but I can't take care of my brother, nor can any one else in the family.)

Sorry you're going through that. Going through something similar, but I allowed myself to get sucked back in, out of pity and a recent emergency situation, and regretting that. Nice to me/apologetic one minute, but reverts to past form the next. What I've learned is that it's easy to forget the bad stuff, with time and distance, and it's tempting to think "maybe this time", like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, only to have it pulled away. It's also tempting to try to rationalize their behavior, to try to understand it in order to help or make excuses. That's a trap, as well, if that kind of understanding has not been earned, or repeatedly abused. Sounds like you're already aware of their manipulations, so just be strong. It may be tempting to give in, but it's harder to pull out once sucked back in. Stay strong.