Movin' In Causes Honey Problems

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Quickly moving in with your honey may be the kiss of death for
some couples. New research indicates that couples who move in
together before they get engaged or married are less happy and
less likely to stay together than couples who wait.

The researchers contend that couples who eventually get married
after living together are armed with a double dose of arguments —
those from the early relationship (like jealousy) and from the
marriage ( household
chores and bills) — that eventually can tank the
relationship.

"In lots of ways, moving in together makes sense; why wouldn't
you want to live together and test it out? But the process to
test makes it harder to end the relationship," which in turn
makes it more likely that the unenthusiastic couple will just
slide into an unhappy marriage, study researcher Galena Rhoades
of the University of Denver told LiveScience. "We need to find
some ways that couples can have that test without making it
harder to break
up."

Cohabitation conundrum

The researchers used survey data from 1,294 individuals, ages 18
to 35, who were unmarried but in a romantic relationship. Of the
participants, 880 were not living with their partner; the other
414 were.

While the cohabitating couples showed more commitment, they also
showed less satisfaction, more negative communication (such as
yelling or name-calling) and more physical aggression than
couples who didn't live together, the researchers found.
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A second study followed up on 161 of the living-by-themselves
group (103 women, 58 men) who later moved in with their partners.
These participants were surveyed six times over 20 months to see
how their relationship changed during the move-in process.

The responses showed that the couples' frequency of sex increased
for a short time after they moved in together, but the responses
also showed overall declines in
relationship quality and commitment.

Trapped and in trouble

The researchers said cohabitating couples may feel more trapped
in their situation, because they've signed a lease, share the
bills or co-own a pet. This can lead to them marrying because
it's the right thing (or the logical thing) to do, but such
couples
tend to divorce quickly.

"What I imagine, those who get a divorce relatively early in
marriage, the conflict got to the level where they feel they
couldn't manage it anymore," Rhoades said. "That conflict gets to
the point where it outweighs the positives in the relationship or
the constraints that might have kept the couple together."

Not all cohabitation relationships go this way, the researchers
acknowledge. Still, as these intermediate relationships become
more common, it's important to understand the impact on happiness
and commitment, they said.

"It's important to think about the reasons why people are
living together," Rhoades said. "And maybe we need to come up
with some better ways to negotiate that transition to living
together."

The researchers suggest that when a couple moves in together,
they should have the same social and emotional support from their
community as newly engaged or newlywed couples do — which may
come in the form of counseling and classes to teach them how to
better communicate.

"I think that we should try to think of other ways besides living
together to figure things out about one another" — perhaps taking
a vacation away together, Rhoades said. That could serve "as a
trial for their relationship
but wouldn't mean signing a lease with that person for the next
year."

The study is detailed in the June issue of the Journal of Family
Psychology.