The Bachelorette Recap: Slow Switzerland

Y’all, Rachel is so emotionally mature and so strong and smart and handles difficult conversations so well and doesn’t put up with bullshit and is amazing. I can’t really handle it.

Girl needs to be a life coach for basically everyone.

Unfortunately, that means the episode was a little slow and less drama filled? Like, Adam and Matt were never getting hometown dates, we’re not stupid. This “tension” is not tense. However, I refuse to call any time spent learning from the grace and wisdom of Rachel as boring.

Anyways, Rachel is perfect, let’s talk about not perfect things, i.e. the men.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 7

10. Guys, stop projecting about all the other men’s relationships. You’re wrong on every single one. We are uninterested in these dumb forced conversations, producers.

9. Dean’s date straight sucked. Poor dude got mega-gypped. I thought it was going to be like a really big, important cathedral but it was legit a date at a Catholic service with 15 attendees. Huh?

8. Bryan’s all, “Let’s have conversations about family while I’m two inches from your face.” His presence makes me very claustrophobic.

7. Matt seems quite sweet, but they have HOURS of film time spent with the other men she actually might end up with. Why are we spending so much time on this sad goodbye with Matt? We haven’t even seen her talk to Matt except about how Kenny was doing! Like, literally ever!

6. I do not like Bryan, but I do not think it should be a red flag that he’s still single at 37. People are single for a bunch of reasons! Maybe at one point something was wrong or he wasn’t ready, but that doesn’t really matter if who he is now is someone you like. This always bothers me.

5. Why is Adam talking on my screen? Just like Matt, we have seen nothing of him, but unlike Matt, he annoys me.

4. Look, I know that creative promo editing is the bread and butter of this show, but the way they edited this Peter date is INSANE. He wasn’t even talking about Rachel with the tears streaming down her face thing! Stop it. Literally, stop it.

3. Oh yikes—Dean repeatedly deflecting Rachel’s serious questions with dumb jokes and questions was painful to watch. Honey! She’s getting pissed. You’re so sweet. I was impressed with Rachel not being like, “BOY, get it together RIGHT NOW.”

2. Um, anyone else feel like they need a lot more information on what caused a woman to break up with Bryan, a grown man, over his mom? And like why did this woman need to show signs of compromise with his mom? Is she in a relationship with his mom? I’d be REAL worried, Rachel (not about the mom, but about Bryan—okay also the mom).

1. WHEN WILL BRYAN AND RACHEL STOP KISSING?? I cannot watch it anymore. I cannot. It physically hurts me.

My random thoughts and predictions:

She definitely picks Bryan or Peter, right? I obviously want her to pick Peter, but I’m so nervous about the whole thing.

*Try not to be a judgmental bitch, try not to be a judgmental bitch* NOPE CAN’T HOLD IT IN. Dean’s dad looks INTERESTING. Which doesn’t reflect on Dean at all! But is going to make some damn good TV.

Dean is such a sweetheart and if Peter isn’t our next Bachelor (because he’s with Rachel!), I’d be plenty happy with Dean. Or some Paradise fun!

Also, Eric grows on me every episode. Even though he’s definitely not ready for Rachel.

Peter and Rachel talk about poop together which means they are ready to be married. I’m obsessed.

I’ll see everyone next week for hometown dates, which promises to be more interesting!