Spoof news stories from Monday 2 May 2011

For the past eighteen months, half a dozen people have been trapped in a tin can in Siberia simulating a trip to Mars, with a simulated landing a couple of weeks ago, followed by two weeks of simulated Martian surface missions, collecting rocks, look...

Looking to pump up the ratings with another original programming series similar to "Behind the Music", cable music channel giant VH1 will expand its in-depth profile series beyond the music industry to feature great bands of another sort. The pilot...

In the first interviews conducted in the area of Abbottabad, neighbors within living distance of late terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden describe their neighbor as a "quiet man" who "kept to himself and did not bother anyone" in the neighborhood wh...

Counter intelligence units deployed in the Arabian Peninsula, were reportedly angered over the intentional leak of medical exam information following the return of Osama Bin Laden's remains to the aircraft carrier, USS Carl Vinson.
The on-duty P...

If it is recorded, as fact, that Mr. Bin Laden has met his end, courtesy of American President Barack Obama, and American Special Forces soldiers, then it is predicted that this will cause no end of problems, both for the Republican Party, and its mo...

Keith Olbermann, the pundit who considers his one sided rhetoric to be journalism, has been identified as "special" by scientists specializing in sound. From his laboratory at Johns Hopkins University, Dr. Blake Nickel made the following statement:...

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has now entered the Book of World Records for something other than being the first woman to hold an office. The California member of the House of Representatives has now achieved the milestone of getting her panties...

In a poll conducted by The Harvard Institute of Silly Surveys That Waste Government Money But Provide Work For Tenured Professors, Lazy Students and ACORN Workers, Anal Seepage was voted "The Least Favorite Thing To Find In A Chair."
The study fo...

NFL All Pro Linbacker, Mike 'Steamroller' Henry, voiced his controversial opinion about British football when interviewed by London Channel 4 sports news today. Henry compared American football to the mainly British game of 'soccer' by insulting fans...

Bonkers evolutionists are claiming that there is no rush if anyone needs to reclaim the remains of international terrorist Osama Bin Laden, who was supposedly buried at sea today.
According to the phoney baloney theory, it takes millions of years...

LOS ANGELES - Pippa Middleton, who many are calling the most famous maid of honor in the history of weddings, flew into Los Angeles from London on some personal business.
The Left Coast Mirror Magazine's Tequila Tallyho was able to speak with Miss...

Has the Loch Ness Monster finally been killed? A Scottish fisherman by the name of Angus McTwinkle claims he caught the monster on Monday but then had to kill it and leave it to sink to the bottom of the Loch.
"I called out a warning for Nessie to...

President Obama was red-faced this evening, as he announced that Osama Bin Laden had not been killed by US forces after all.
"I realise this is going to look pretty bad. We announce one day that we've killed Bin Laden, then the next day we announc...

Republicans are outraged that President Obama has gotten around to killing terrorist matermind Osama bin Laden.
"I'm crushed," said House Speaker John Boehner. "What are we gonna do now? After this it's gonna be a lot harder for our Tea Party friends to say Obama's a terrorist, or that he's secretly a Muslim. Who's gonna believe that nutbag shit now? A few people will say that it's a hoax, tha...

Today Glenn Beck on his radio show told his audience that he informed Bin Laden to buy gold, get miracle seeds and stock up on flashlight bulbs.
"I know, I know I tell my listeners everyday to get ready for the government to come after you and take your freedoms, this Navy SEAL team just took the freedom of Bin Laden. I warned him that Obama does not care whose rights he violates since he is a...

Once the dust has settled over the Al Qaeda leader's demise (if indeed it ever does) the international community have a long list of questions for the Pakistani government.
Following the discovery of Osama Bin Laden's whereabouts, and the subsequent year of covert surveillance, politicians the world over are demanding to know how the Pakistanis failed to alert the west to the fact that Bin Lade...

The US Government announced that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by a Seal team then buried at sea. However, according to confidential sources, Bin Laden was secretly whisked away alive and well from Pakistan.
One confidential source stated Bin La...

President Barack Obama today declared that the world's number one fugitive Osama Bin Laden was dead. This morning it was announced by Obama, "Bin Laden is dead!". Outside the White House, crowds chanted "Long live President Barack." Osama was killed...

There was a moment during Sunday's Phillies-Mets game in Philadelphia that some described as beautiful: The entire stadium, it seemed, reacted with joy when the news of bin Laden's death was flashed on the big-screen.
One is hard pressed to remem...

Miami, Florida - Misogyny, Inc, an independent research company, has released an extensive study which proves that there is a direct correlation between a woman's breast size and her workplace efficiency.
The study clearly shows that a 38DD br...

Osama Bin Laden, who was shot and killed in his Pakistan compound on May 1st, was buried at sea by U.S. Forces. This was done in accordance with Moslem tradition that burial take place within 24 hours. Bin Laden was killed by a bullet to the head i...

Immediately after the announcement by President Obama that veteran terrorist and provocateur, Osama bin Laden, had been taken down by a surprise attack at his secret compound in Pakistan, Islamabad Craig's List was inundated with ads soliciting for t...

In light of the government's need to save money wherever possible -- bullet-proof military vests made of Pepsi cans, Mexican day-laborers as legislative aids, etc.-- President Obama asked Mary Povich, host of the Maury Show, to check the DNA of the m...

Pakistan - Breaking news alleges that the trigger man who pulled the plug on Al Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden was none other than former New York City taxi driver, Travis Bickle.
Who was portrayed with chilling intensity by Robert DeNiro in Martin...

The White House and Pentagon admitted in a briefing this morning that Congressman Barney Frank played a key role in the infiltration of the Osama Bin Laden compound and in his eventual killing. The Massachusetts man has been called "invaluable in hi...

Extremist clerics have revealed that terrorist and Al-Queda leader Osama Bin Laden will not receive his expected 72 virgins in the afterlife. The mass murderer and director of the 9/11 attacks was killed in Pakistan, but will not be going to any for...

BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - After reports that the United States has killed Bin-Laden, many thought that the Taliban and Al-Qauda would fall.
However, they were mistaken.
Just a few hours ago, three separate bombs exploded in the British city of Birming...

Windsor - The cremated remains should have been returned to his mother - to be fashioned into a diamond amulet for the new Crown Imperial.
Today baby pics of him suckling the royal udder are all that's left on the stateroom mantelpiece.
And at...

To celebrate the unfortunate demise of charismatic murderer and the world's most famous cave dweller Osama Bin Laden, the Acme Plastic Bag company of Idaho has produced a series of souvenir plastic rubbish sacks.
Delicately printed with a picture...

Mafia boss Enrico 'Fat Fingers' Mazzola, of New York City's notorious Mazzola crime family revealed today that the late Al Qaeda figurehead had been introduced to a 'health adjustment team' disguised as waiters in his Abbotabad compound.
Mazzola r...

There were celebrations in households across the world this evening as it became apparent that the al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden's double - a man said to be even more evil and tyrannical than Mr Bin Laden himself - had been killed to death.
Mr...

Celebrants and organizers cannot decide on the proper funeral song for the funeral of Osama Bin Laden. While such things as the flower choice were obvious (poppies, because of the opium), the music is still causing great debate.
Apparently, the a...

An English pet store owner claims that Osama Bin Laden isn't really dead. Bin Laden, who was supposedly killed by American Special Forces and ground forces on a compound raid in Pakistan, was the leader of the terrorist group Al-Queda and the master...

London, England - Duchess Kate has been put on notice to mind her place, and mind her manners, now that Prince William has returned to military duty.
Queen Elizabeth herself informed the shocked newlywed that she is "as common as dirt" and is not welcome to take meals or have anything to do with the royal family.
"I made you a duchess, but you're still just a little guttersnipe. You will...

After ten years of hiding, Al Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden, was pronounced dead yesterday night. Many of Americans are excited with joy.
David Parker, 56, is credited for the death of Osama Bin Laden. David was working as a custodian in Pakistan...

Reality Star Kim Karadashian is said to have her arse in an uproar as recent media frenzy over Pippa Middleton's knock out appearance at the Royal Wedding has pushed her own derriere down the charts, for anyone who still counts points!
The 5'2" 1...

Britain's former Boxing Champion, Henry Cooper, laid out the challenger Obama Bin Laden with an uppercut straght from the Cassius Clay Songbook. Sadly the fight also ended Henry's life.
In a gesture of goodwill the American dollar is being redesig...

Today, in early trading, share price for google rocketed on the news that Osama Bin Laden has been killed during a daring raid by US Special Forces.
Since 2001, the US had been looking for a guy, with a beard, on crutches, with one kidney in the m...

We have conflicting reports today about Osama Bin Laden's death. Jubilant Americans have rejoiced outside the White House.
NEWSFLASH
This report has been retracted. It is now reported from a very reliable source that Osama Bin Laden has been se...

The final day of the Conference North saw one of the most interesting clashes take place at Bower Fold, the home of Stalybridge Celtic who were hosting Stafford Rangers.
Celtic's nearest rival in the league is Hyde, a mere two miles away.
Hyde...

The late Pope John-Paul II has performed a first miracle after his beatification in Rome this past Sunday.
The former Polish-born Karol Wojtyla intercepted to help American C.I.A. agents shoot straight when they attacked Osama Bin Laden's luxury...

Bridget Jones was seen last night hanging around The Goring Hotel, in Scary Emerald Knickers, with a small Union Jack flag printed on the front of them.
She has a fetish for scary knockers, sorry, knickers and a crush on someone involved in the Ro...

WASHINGTON D.C. - After a decade of being on the run, the infamous Osama Bin Laden, the 6 foot 6 inch tall, Al Qaeda leader has been found, shot, and killed in Pakistan.
Fitzwater Ribicoff of The Big Apple Globe Gazette reported that a group of un...

Islamabad, Pakistan - The Daily World Bulletin Report is reporting that Osama Bin Laden was found living outside Islamabad, Pakistan in a women's retirement home.
After a brief fire-fight, the body of the leader of Al Qaeda was found with false...

Unnamed sources at the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, Virginia, USA claim that they are on the verge of publishing a report that former British heavyweight champion Henry Cooper and Obama Bin Laden were one and the same person.
The eviden...

Islamabad, Pakistan - The terrorist mastermind and leader of Al Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden, was confirmed killed in a U.S. ground operation today.
A DNA test has confirmed it is indeed the evil one himself.
President Obama stated that Bin Laden'...

I guess I'll always remember last night: I was lying on my stomach in bed, my 2-year-old Gabriella asleep between my knees, when I read my friend's Facebook post: "Osama bin Laden is dead."
I was in Watchung, NJ on September 11th, 2001, working. My entire staff was huddled around the TV; as many of them furious as were incredulous. One of my best friends was in New York City at the time, and I...

Former Led Zeppelin member John Paul Jones has been beautified after undergoing major cosmetic surgery in Los Angeles.
The 65 year old bassist has spent 3 weeks at the exclusive Rodeo Drive Plastic Surgery in an attempt to get rid of the pitted sk...

Prince William and his new bride Princess Catherine have spent their first weekend as a married couple at an unnamed location.
The happy twosome decided to delay their honeymoon in order to give the former Miss Middleton the opportunity to learn s...

Prince William and Kate Middleton are taking a Scottish title to commemorate where they first met.
The couple first met at St Andrews University 8 years ago and, ever since they decided to get married, they always intended to mark the start of the...

I Poked somebody on Facebook and now...
‎...my finger has a cottage cheese-like discharge.
‎...Angelina Pivarnick is pregnant.
‎...I'll never wash this finger again.
...they want me to Google all over their Twitter. Thanks to...
...the comedy stylings of Ryan Inverso and Rich Weiss.... I'm embarrassed that I said, 'wouldn't be the first time I Poked her' out loud. In front of my kids...

Knowing that the space shuttle program is nearing its conclusion, many NASA astronauts have been mulling over what to do with the rest of their lives.
At a pub on Friday night, as they watched news coverage of the Royal Wedding, a group of them...

With the election of 2012 sneaking up next year, Republicans have introduced a new candidate that they feel confident about.
Named "Paul Inflate", the presidential candidate is an inflatable doll that only takes two minutes to blow up.
"I am...

For months Alabama Crimson Tide fans have been perplexed as to how their multi-touchdown lead at halftime resulted in a 28-27 loss to the Auburn Tigers.
Today Vatican officials announced that the result was the miraculous intervention of Pope John...

After Phillipa Middleton's successful catapult into the world of High Society, she has been offered an amazing movie contract.
The movie is entitled "The Rear Emerald Window" and reportedly playing a minor but shining role, is Prince Harry (in t...

Fresh off of changing the venue of his defamation suit against the City Paper from New York City to Washington DC, Redskin's Owner Daniel Snyder filed another defamation suit against pretzel maker Snyder's of Hanover located in Lorton, Virginia. Mr...