An Open Letter to My Parents' Pastor

You don’t know me, and I’m not usually in the habit of writing open letters, but this is a special occasion.

You’ve been the pastor of Alliance United Methodist Church for two Sundays now. Last Sunday you gave a sermon about the authority of Scripture. About halfway through the sermon, you said some things that hurt a lot of people very deeply. Towards the end, you mentioned that you don’t care about hurting people’s feelings (which doesn’t strike me as very pastoral, but that’s another letter).

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Leaving Artwork

Long story short, my parents are leaving Alliance.

Here are some things you should know: we’ve been members for 13 years, since I was ten years old. My brother and I were confirmed there; I preached for the first time there; until recently, I thought I would get married there.

Another thing you should know: I am a lesbian. I came out this year, after many years of trying to deny who I was. My parents love me unconditionally. My mom cried through your sermon last Sunday. My dad calmly collected his things and told the choir director we wouldn’t be back.

***

I’m writing to you because I love my parents. In many ways, I feel guilty for the choices my sexuality created for them: choices between me and the rest our family, between me and decade-long friendships, between me and our church. I haven’t asked them to make these choices, but I never had to. When I called my mom on Sunday, after hearing about your sermon, she told me that she cancelled helping with VBS, couldn’t even go back in the building after that.

I’m writing to you because I want you to know who you are losing in my parents.

My dad, Greg, recently re-joined the board of trustees. He plays guitar in the praise band and leads an adult Sunday school class. He was the construction coordinator on the youth mission trip this year and has been since I was in high school. In a couple of weeks, he’s going back to Kenya with another Methodist church, to work at a hospital Alliance supports. My mom, Kathy, founded the Stephen Ministry team at Alliance, and still has a full roster of people to whom she offers lay grief counseling. She was a cook on the youth mission trips when my brother and I went. She helps with the elementary after-school programs and Vacation Bible School and is the first to make a meal for anyone who needs one.

We are those church people. We weren’t always that family, but then Alliance let my dad play guitar, and showed up with fried chicken when my uncle died, and quite literally saved my life. The church grew up around us like ivy over a wall. Or maybe, streams of living water in a desert.

I’m not saying all this to brag, but to show you who we are: a family whose life has been shaped and guided by our membership at our church, who have found time and again that our church family is strong where we are weak.

Tell me who sinned, my church or my parents, that I grew up believing that I was loved beyond reason?

***

My parents will tell you that I’m really good at feelings. But here’s how your theology actually hurts LGBTQ+ people:

One-third of LGB youth will attempt suicide. This is four times higher than the average for heterosexual, cisgender teens, and when LGB youth attempt suicide, the attempts are 4 to 6 times more likely to end in injuries needing serious medical treatment.

Your theology literally kills people, and you wantonly condemned queer people because you felt safe in the authority of a pulpit and the assumption that everyone agreed with you.

That is not love. That is not Biblical.

That is not how I learned to live out my faith, in the very Sunday school rooms of the church you now pastor. My church raised me to fight for the least of these, to be the hands and feet of Christ, to pray and strive for justice to roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

***

There’s an argument to be made for co-existing in difference of opinion, but I refuse to do that when your opinion is actively working to kill me and my siblings in Christ. Thanks be to God, my parents feel the same.

Ultimately, this is who you lose when you lose my parents: the best people in the world. The ones who will show up at your house in a crisis, who will drive for hours to fix your car, who will give money to your mission trip, who will love you and love you and love you until you can love yourself again.

When you lose queer people, you lose these same things. We are just church people, like my parents. We are those church people.

***

We can talk, if you want, but know that I am volunteering to have these conversations so my parents don’t have to. So the gay kids in the youth group, closeted or not, don’t have to.

I don’t want to have the Bible debates with you. I don’t want to hear you say you love me, but not my sin. I don’t want to have to sit and defend my humanity to you, but I will defend the humanity of others all day long. It’s how my church raised me.

I truly pray this isn’t the final goodbye to Alliance for my parents. But the family of Christ is big and the kingdom is wide, and they will find another place to call home.

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Carrie Surbaugh

Carrie Surbaugh

Carrie Surbaugh describes herself as "a recovering rule-follower, a life-long United Methodist flirting with the Episcopal Church ... a typical twenty-something liberal arts major, with degrees in English and Religious Studies from the University of Texas. Now I’m a Texas girl living in Seattle, interning with the Episcopal Service Corps." This post is republished with the author's permission from her blog, A Rebel Table.

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Comments (9)

Open letter

This situation is deeply saddening. How does the UMC better explain that all are welcome to the church? How does the UMC better explain that Jesus did not practice affirmational inclusion; he practiced transformational inclusion. He reached out to those on the margins, those who were sinners, and he changed their hearts. He did not affirm sin. We are all sinners. It is clear that those who have made a lifestyle of LGBT practice do not believe that they are sinning. That is the issue. Yet Biblical teaching is clear. God loves us all and he wants what is best for us all. We are to love each other with an unconditional "agape" love and we are to proclaim the truth. How does the UMC do that when there are those who don't want to hear the truth?

Anonymousmore than 1 year ago

Pastor telling the truth

I noticed a lot of "I this" "I that" "we this" "we that" in the letter. Sadly that is a worldly attitude. Very little was said about what the Lord expects us to do. The Lord tells us that we must separate ourselves from the world whatever is not like God. The Lord has never supported LGBT behavior---read the Bible to discover this. My hat goes off to the pastor who spoke truth from the pulpit! He is cleansing the congregation of those who do not want to follow the Lord's ways, which is what Paul tells the Corinthians to do in their churches--get rid of the bad sheep so the faithful are not tarnished with their ways.

Joe McFeemore than 2 years ago

Draw the circle wide. Wider still!!

I call it out as what it is. Bigotry, nothing less. “LGBT behavior” you say? What “is” LGBT behavior?

LGBT people grow as any other baby, child, teenager, adult does. They work, serve, learn, and have the same capacity to love or hurt others as any other.

The ONLY thing that separates them from the straight population is the fact that they are not attracted, sexually, to others in the same way.

That’s just a simple truth. It’s not contagious. Kids don’t “learn” in their teens (or before) to be aroused by their same sex friends or celebrities, they either are or, for the vast majority, they are not.

You espouse the removal of people from the church because Paul said such to the Corinthians... the response has to be Acts 15.Draw the circle wide. Open hearts, minds, and doors. All are welcome, including black sheep. Especially the black sheep! May it be so. Amen!

Stemore than 2 years ago

What did he say?

I note that she never says what it is that the pastor actually said. She simply says how it made her feel. This makes it very difficult to evaluate the situation properly.

Jeff Adelmore than 2 years ago

Very articulate and inforative

There are thousands of personal stories like these. And they exhibit well the hatred which is inherent in fundamentalism.

Now, the fundamentalists assert that by casting out gays, they obey God. But, if that is true, it certainly shows the utter worthlessness of such an evil false god. No God worthy of the name casts people out for who they love. It exhibits well the narcissism of fundamentalism, which believes "We and our friends are forgiven for anything and everything. But we are absolutely disgusted by the ordinary sexuality of everyday men and women." That's a paraphrase from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s "Welcome to the Monkey House." But The Austin Lounge Lizards stated in more succinctly in a song titled "Jesus Loves me, but He Can't Stand You.".

George Nixon Shulermore than 2 years ago

Both ways

The loss goes both ways. I except all people in the church and let God do his work without my judgement. I have actively invited homosexual to our church who were tossed aside by the LDS church and wanted their children to attend Sunday school. Having said that, I find the Bible is very clear that participating in homosexual activities is a sin and must be acknowledged as such. This means we repent and go and sin no more ( hard to do as we all tend to have to keep repenting). My church is mostly conservative and I am also on staff there. My family and most likely the majority of the church would leave if we don't at least acknowledge the act of homosexuality as a sin. So of course UMC losses everything thing they do just like this article discusses. Please don't respond with the some scripture verses. If you don't agree then pray for me for clarity as I pray daily for those who believe Jesus is ok with it. Yes Jesus loves everyone as a parent loves their own children, but that does not mean you like or condone what they do.

Dale Baruthmore than 2 years ago

Affirmation

I don't not know You, but every word of your open letter speaks truth. I have the great good fortune to belong to a Methodist congregation in which all are loved and LGBTQ couples are married and cherished.Please know that even at this distance you and your parents are loved. May God bless you in your new endeavor. You do not give your geographic location, but I am in Chicago. If you or your parents find yourselves in this vicinity, please come to the First United Methodist Church at the Chicago Temple and tell them that Beth Jacobs sent you. I am not in church as often as I would like because I am severely disabled, but they will welcome you as my guest. God bless you.

Beth Jacobs more than 2 years ago

Thank you!

Kudos, Carrie! Thank you for so elegantly explaining exactly why the UMC must reverse its negative philosophy and rhetoric regarding the LGBT community. Of this topic, at least, change is not an option.

I've personally waited for the UMC to extend the love of Christ to me since 1972. I will no longer wait.

Ben Umore than 2 years ago

An open letter..

Thank you so much. Respectful and clear. Blessings to you and our parents.

David Mercermore than 2 years ago

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