Monday, 31 March 2014

Letting Go of the Fear

Truthfully,
I am so super proud of him! He has worked extremely hard this last year to
prove himself within the company, to build up his clientele, and truly get to
know the business. And I know it hasn’t been easy at times!

Late last
year, we started noticing a shift in how things were happening. Simply, from
what he was telling me the manager and area manager said and the extra duties
he was doing...I could see that they were impressed with him. Then he got asked
early this year to go assist another store in a stock take. For these stores,
stock take is a weekend long job and takes multiple people.

It was a
huge boost for Hubby. It meant a lot to be requested for something like this.
So when the position for a manager at this other branch came available, I
started praying about it.

I felt
encouraged by the Spirit to tell Hubby to apply for the position. We thought at
best it would show the company that he was interested in advancing and possibly
give him the opportunity to gain some feedback about how to prepare himself for
such a position.

After
that, we kind of forgot about it! We knew he applied but truly and honestly
NEVER expected to hear anything back! Then the week before last, his manager
was away on conferences. He phoned Hubby and told him that he had to be in this
new town for an interview the following Monday!

We were in
shock! We still are a little bit as today (a week from the first testing) Hubby
is in Johannesburg for another set of testing and interviews for the
position! I know he is starting to get
himself excited as his manager talks that this is a real possibility and that
Hubby’s chances are good. Still, we know there is a possibility of getting a no
answer.

However,
we needed to start thinking about the what-ifs. We immediately started looking
at renting costs and school costs so we could get an idea of what kind of
salary Hubby would need. Then reality set in for me.

If Hubby
gets this job, I will be so happy and proud and supportive. If Hubby gets this
job, it means we are moving....

It will
mean starting over....again. It means pulling my beautiful children out of a
school they are so incredibly happy with. It means searching....again...for
that right school. It means putting my boys in the hands of people I don’t know
and trusting they do things right.

It means
me looking for a job...again. It means once again trying to prove myself when
everyone is looking at me sideways for being different. It means trying to
convince people that I understand enough Afrikaans to work for their company
and that my visa really does allow me to have a job. It means starting at the
bottom and crawling up....again. My biggest fear is that it will mean going
back to the restaurants....again.

It will
mean Hubby and I being on our own and isolated. We know only a couple of people
there. No one that we can really have a social life with. It means leaving my
bestie C....the truest friend I’ve had or will have in this country. It means
praying and hoping that our friendship can survive the distance. It means not
being able to just pop over for a cup of coffee.

It means
looking for a new church again. It would mean the craze of trying to find a
church that is okay with our rambunctious boys and accepts us for who we are as
a family. It would mean trial and error....waiting for the Spirit to guide us
where we belong.

It would
mean setting up house again. We would need to find a house....one that fits all
our needs...in an area that is safe....it means loosing Maggy.

Most of
all, if Hubby gets this job, and God tells us to go, it would mean accepting
that we were wrong. It would mean that Groblersdal wasn’t our landing point.
That this place we’ve dug our roots into so deeply would have just been a stop
along the way.

I’ve
allowed my heart to grow here. I’ve allowed myself to finally feel like I’m
home here. I’ve allowed myself to soften to the people and their ways here and
accept this place for the beauty it is. I’ve allowed this town to become
home....

What if I
don’t feel the same about this new place? What if I go through homesickness
again? Can I survive it again? Can I be isolated again?

There are
so many questions right now and the uncertainty of our situation is straining
me. I’m praying constantly. I’m trying to let it go and hand it all over to
God. But the questions lurk with me all day long. When I’m at work, I wonder
how long I will have to continue this job I have so loved.

When I
speak or see friends, I wonder when it will be the last time. When I walk into
our house, I wonder how many more days I will call this home.

I will
follow, support, and show pride for Hubby no matter where he goes or what he
does! And we will tackle this next adventure, should that be God’s will, with
smiles and ready hands....as soon as I swallow the fear!

16 comments:

Good luck with everything and I hope it works out. Starting over can be extremely scary but is often worth it in the end. It may be rough at first but you will eventually find yourself loving your new home.

I could've written this post when we were moving from Philly back to Indiana a few years ago. While we all speak English here (although with the Kentucky accent, sometimes I can't understand people!), there were so many what if's involved. However, it worked out for the better and I know that this is where we were meant to be. I know that whatever happens, it will be how it's supposed to be. Hugs!

I can only imagine what this would be like. Prayer my friend is the best place to be in right now. The Lord loves you and has a wonderful plan for your family. Sometimes what you think might be the plan changes because God has something else for you. I'll pray with you that every decision you make is the Lord's will for your life.

Sending you blessings of comfort and peace in knowing that you are beloved.xoxo

Thank you Jen! Yes, Prayer is the only solution and it is where I'm spending a lot of my time lately! Nothing worth it is ever easy....Satan makes sure of that! I just pray we listen to the Spirit and follow His will! Thank you for your kind words my friend!

That is so so true Debbie! I am working hard to remember that and praying for us to see His will! We are definitely not alone through this though! And it just may possibly turn out to be something amazing! Thank you!

Typically, when we go through hard things, it means there is something better in the other end. Faith - is believing in things not seen. It's all about having faith - that this is the right move for everyone, you know?

He hasn't gotten the job yet, right? Who knows. It will work out for the best. I just know it.

Keep your head up and keep on truckin'. Roll with the good stuff and the punches, and you will be alright. Just as long as you and your family is together.

You are so right! It is about faith! Your words truly uplift me! We found out shortly after this post that he did get the job! He left this morning for our new town! I will be joining him at the end of May! :-/ So it is happy mixed with sad, anticipation, excitement. LoL It is just a bundle of emotions! But we are pressing forward! Thank you for stopping by and for your encouragement!

Wow! I can truly relate to the feeling of wanting God's will but being a bit scared about it as well. Being a Military Wife I have a few moves under my belt and that anxiousness has yet to go away. I will be praying for you and your family that everything works in your favor and according to God's will for your lives.

It's tough to understand God's will while being scared and feeling alone. It's your faith and empowerment that will get you through it and you will experience things you will be thankful later on in life.

I know how tough it is. I've been in SA 3 years and only sometimes feel like I'm in a place with support and a sense of belonging. We just moved to a bigger townhouse (from a granny flat) and we're finally feeling like we can breathe. And open up those boxes that we never have opened. I think that you are doing all the right kinds of planning and thinking, so worry less and feel confident in this path your family is taking. I'm available to e-mail chat if you need to talk about it all!