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February 28, 2011

How am I Doing with my Injury? I Mean For Real?

So I have a stress reaction in my left foot. This thing has been going on for eight weeks and two days (yeah I know), took forever to get diagnosed properly due to a negative first MRI, and its still not better. Its getting there…one day at a time and all that blah blah blah, but its not there yet.

Last night as we lay in bed, alternating between chatting and quietly thinking, Jesse asked me “I’m just curious…I noticed you haven’t been writing as much for your journal through this injury as you did last year. Why not?”

I thought about it, trying to come up with the right words, and I couldn’t put a single cohesive thought together. “I don’t know,” I finally conceded.

After connecting the dots on the ceiling for a couple minutes, it started to piece together.

“Its just that…last time I was injured, it was different,” I explained. “I was at rock bottom. I had such a long way to go to climb out of the hole that writing about the day-to-day kept me present, and being present was the only way out of the hole.”

I turned my back to him with a sigh, stealing the blankets, “And this time its temporary (or at least that’s how I’m thinking about it) so I’m trying not to read into things too much, day-to-day. I’m trying to keep my mentality exactly as it was before I got hurt so I can pick up right where I left off. Confident. Ready to take on the World.” I looked into the darkness. “In order to do that, I can’t think about now.”

He gently pulled back his share of the blankets and turned to hug me, “That makes sense. You shouldn’t write unless you want to.”

“Problem is,” I whispered, “its been over two months since I’ve run. With every passing day, its getting harder to believe everything will turn out ok.”

“It will. Do you believe it will?”

“I don’t know.” I turned back towards him, and looked at his familiar silhouette for the answer. “When I let myself think about it…yeah, I do.”

I placed his hand on my heart, “but then I get this pain, deep inside.”
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22 comments on “How am I Doing with my Injury? I Mean For Real?”

In continuing with “famous gymnast who also had/did this…,” Shawn Johnson also had a stress reaction in 2007 and at the Beijing Olympics she got 2nd in the AA (to Nastia, of vision board fame) and won beam. So, you’re in good company.

Is your stress rxn in a tarsal bone? or your navicular, again?

I think keeping the mentality before you got hurt is a good idea, rather than dwelling on your injury and your way back. I’ve never really been injured (minus the SI joint, which I don’t consider to be an injury), but a sting of “bad days” of practice or a few “bad tests” used to send me spiralling (sp?) into an “I’m terrible! I suck! Why am I so bad!” rant with myself. It took a while, and I’m still working on it, but when I think of the big picture and the good practices/tests that I had, I don’t know….I just feel better about the whole thing, rather than getting down about a bad string of days. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but basically, pretending that I’m awesome in my head (which, in my fantasy world, I am a bad-ass) makes little stuff easier to deal with. And, I guess, you’re looking at this injury as a “little thing” rather than a big thing, like your navicular, so viewing it as a bump in the road rather than a big hole and keeping that “I’m awesome” mentality is probably helpful….in my not so professional opinion on attitudes and psychology. Basically, living in my “I’m awesome” world helps me and while it may be borderline delusional, I’d recommend it. Thats not to say I still don’t have those “Why do I suck!” days. I’m not sure if thats exactly your mindset you’re describing though. And, finally, I think since it gives you that pain deep inside, it means you really “want it” and you’ll come back stronger than before.

Your ability to persevere and keep going is inspiring. Keep it up! Good luck.

Whenever you have any self-doubt or fear you need to go to http://www.youtube.com and type in the search box “Lauren Fleshman Balls” Best post-race interview ever! You’re all heart Lauren. If anyone can bounce back from this, you can. Hang in there and I wish you a speedy recovery.

To say you have a pain deep inside is a good thing (unless you’re talking about a literal pain in your foot of course:). That pain deep down in there somewhere is the pain of not being able to do what you love. I’d be worried if you expressed some sort of gratitude for not being able to run!

In all seriousness it is tough to sit on the bench, and I can’t imagine how much more so for a professional athlete. I’ve been waiting for some compartment syndrome to fade for a month and a half now (yes, a doctor is in order). Fortunately for me I found the silver lining in my injury when I found this site (THANKS, and your writing is phenomenol by the way)!! I was in 3rd Ranger Batallion (Army) for six years and I’ve seen all kinds of injuries fade away. The worst injury though is always a broken motivation.

You definitely have the motivation and the know-how to run again, so this injury is more of a mental and emotional test than a physical one. As soon as you stopped training your legs you started training your mind and soul….and what do you know, there’s a pain deep inside….must be a good workout! On a long run it gets harder to believe you can continue running. Likewise, through a long injury it gets “harder to believe everything will turn out ok.” Unfortunately a long injury is much….much longer than a long run (duh). I can’t really help you so far as the physical injury goes, but whatever you do don’t try to hide that pain that is your driving force being sucker punched every day you wake up unable to run. Let it shine through and fight back. Could we ever feel really good if we never felt really bad at times anyway (hmm…maybe…I don’t know)? A poor person knows rich much better than a rich person knows poor, if you know what I mean.

I wish you all the best in your training and look forward to your return to normal.

Dude, Lauren, you are totally gonna get past this thing and come roaring back. I know it’s easy for us to say that….
Seems like the deep-down pain must also have something to do with fears along the lines of “what if I can’t…what if it doesn’t….” But I guess I think fear can be a great motivator…I dunno whether it’s considered healthy to be thus motivated, but part of me thinks, “Whatever works”.
I was thinking about Jenny (Barringer) Simpson and her stress reaction last year…she was out the whole spring/summer (I think) season(s), but recently she won the mile at the NB Games. I guess I don’t mean to suggest that one should compare oneself w/ anybody else…I’m just sayin’.
In a Bela Karolyi voice (staying w/ Meggie’s gymnastics theme): “Youuuu can dooo it!”

Part of the pain is feeling this…loss of opportunity. Like I have this potential inside me that keeps getting thwarted by extraneous circumstances. Like a burning that wants to be realized…and then there is the fear part that you mention that thinks…what if it never is completely realized? I mean how many people ever TRULY realize their “potential” in ANYTHING?
I guess your “potential” in any one area is whatever your end result is, when it comes down to it. Our singular goals operate within the greater system of our selves, and it is rare that every single part of your self is working towards the same goal (socially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc).

I spent eight weeks out with a fibula stress fracture, only to come back slowly, run really strong and tweak a muscle in my back. Now I can’t exercise at all. I really appreciate you posting your perspective because it helps me stay positive, which is pretty hard to be right now.

I’m sorry about your latest injury, Lauren. I completely agree that it is very painful to be a serious runner who can’t run! I’m a masters runner (and not an elite), but nevertheless, I have racing goals that are very important to me. Last winter I had a 4-month layoff from training due to mysterious pain in both feet. My doctors called it metatarsalagia, but they weren’t really sure of the specific cause. The pain hindered me from working and grocery shopping, and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to race again. This was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

Orthotics and physical therapy brought some decrease in the pain, but I was still far from having my normal life back. However, when I looked to God for help and some people from my church prayed for me, I received a noticeable improvement. This began a several-month process of me going to Christian healing meetings and God healing me, slowly but surely. In the summer I was back to decent quality training. I kept my running mileage low all season (under 30 miles per week) and continued to cross-train. It was wonderful to be able to race again in the fall, even though I didn’t feel like I had regained my previous level of fitness. I had a few disappointing races, but also a few good ones. Amazingly, one of them was a 5k road race PR!

It’s so hard to not know when you can do your favorite activity again, but don’t give up. I’ve learned that there are often a number of pieces to the puzzle of overcoming a health problem. God cares and is available to help you! I’m hoping and praying that you will have a good outcome!

Hi Rima. The injuries that affect your daily life in addition to keeping you from the sport you love are a double whammy. Its like its always in your face, reminding you of your weakness, and without a proper diagnosis, its even worse because you don’t know when your normal life will return. I’m so happy you found what you needed in your community, and in your faith, to get well again. I had a similar, though more secular, experience with my navicular injury in 2008 and 2009. It was letting go of my inner pain and putting my focus outwards towards community, relationships, and a focus on other gifts and passions with a new business venture (Picky Bars), that finally allowed me to get well. I didn’t even care about returning anywhere near my old PR’s; I was just happy to be running again, but the fast times came anyway after over a year. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers, Rima. There are a lot of pieces to the puzzle that I’ll never understand, but they are operating behind the scenes anyway.

I completely understand how you’re feeling. I’m a high school senior, and I had to give up my last XC season because of a talus stress fracture. I was in such good shape going into the season too. And when I could start running again in November, after just one indoor meet, the same pain flared again, and I’ve been confined to the pool again and probably will also have to give up my track season.

I’m sorry to hear that Frank. It just feels like such a waste to have put in all that work for nothing. And to build it all back up again only to get shot down again…I’ve been there too. You probably don’t want advice at this point, but I’ll just tell you that what helps me get through most days is to not think about what I’m missing. During my first injury, that was all I could think about: missing the Olympics, missing the payoff for all that hard work, missing the prizes and the feeling of invincibility…It was as if someone had died. The feelings of loss can become quite strong, and the damage you can cause yourself mentally can take way more time to heal than the physical damage to your talus.

I’m sorry Lauren. We all know injuries suck. The pain inside you feel is because you LOVE to run, that in itself is beautiful because you are doing what you love every day. Even by not running, you’re still doing it because you’re doing everything in your power ( PT, strengthening, water jogging, XT etc) to get back out there. THAT is true love!
During injuries, everyone faces dark times and enlightened times, and deep down we all toy with the fear : What if it never goes away? what if this is the end? But you have to 100% BELIEVE that you will return in perfect health, and get right back into training. If you don’t believe it, it won’t happen. Have you heard of “The Secret” ?? I highly suggest you read it!!! Here are some of the principles: Ask. Visualize. Believe. Receive.
SO SAY IT: LAUREN IS HEALTHY AND INJURY FREE!!! ( sounds so silly but i am serious) if you continue to put forth the work you have been doing and BELIEVE It will pay off, it will. It has to, because you believe. Just be patient and keep telling yourself it. Actually, go look at your collage and say it out loud at the same time. Then you will believe you’re awesome AND injury free ( double whammy!)

What Melissa said — thats what I was trying to say, but she put it much more nicely/coherent! Anyways, just remember you have the physical abilities to succeed once you’re healed, the mental maturity and experience to deal with the day-to-day suckiness now (if you did it before you can do it again), a great support system + outside interests, and a lot of fight/heart, so it seems by your “pain,” and I don’t mean your foot. Keep it up!

Lauren, I just thought I’d post and let you know that you inspire me to be great at what I do, whatever that may be. No one can know at this point what will happen with your running career, in the short term or the long term. But when I was reading your journal back when you were coming back from injury, I was impressed by the fact that you were being great at what you needed to do, and at that stage, what you needed to do was recover. You were handling the slow process of physically and psychologically recuperating from all of the difficulties associated with long-term injury. That’s a different talent that being a great runner; it’s an emotional strength and maturity that often clashes with the stubbornness and the brashness that drives people to run competitively. There will be days where it hurts, and where the recovery process feels like too much to handle. But you, Lauren Fleshman, are great at whatever it is you really try to do. Right now, it’s all about being great at recovery; I’ve already commented at how impressive you are at that. Down the line, it will be about being great at training, great at racing, great at avoiding the sort of self-doubt and self-imposed limitations that keeps people from really showing how great they can be as runners. Down the line, for those of us who never win an Olympic gold medal, the thing we can look back on and be most proud of will be that striving toward excellence as people, and in whatever endeavors life presents to us. Keep at it; I’m rooting for you.

Phil, thanks so much for your post. What you said about being great at what you need to do, at that stage…that is such a hard thing to remember. Sometimes I feel like I’m going through life re-learning the same lessons. Not completely from scratch of course, but maybe the first time around I learn five new things, but a year later I only remember the first two. Then when the same problem comes up, I start from those first two things and learn five new things again, bringing me up to a total of seven. But then a year goes by and I only remember four. Etc, etc, repeat. Maybe that’s just the human way. I’m finding that through this blog, reminders from people who care help accelerate that re-learning process. Its pretty amazing actually, and I feel very grateful for it. Thank you again.

The root of your writing whilst sounding reasonable initially, did not sit well with me personally after some time. Somewhere within the sentences you managed to make me a believer but just for a short while. I still have got a problem with your leaps in logic and one would do nicely to help fill in those breaks. If you can accomplish that, I will undoubtedly be impressed.

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Runners come across the same problems and try to reinvent the wheel constantly. Stop that. I’ve got experience. I’ll give you a straight answer. Even better, the ALF community is awesome about adding their experience in the comments. People helping people. Word.