I got a little distracted during the main event (Destiny had wandered off to bed and I think I played Scramble With Friends though most of it), but it was pretty entertaining and reminded me of those little guy vs. big guy matches I like to do in the video games. Punk has always worked best as the underdog, and with Show’s recent surge of importance they worked together well. I’m a little sad that they didn’t mention their long, long history together (or at least Show ripping off Punk’s mask when he got his head shaved) (yes, because I wanted to see Serena highlights on Raw), but that’s to be expected. The only Worsts for the match are pretty obvious:

1. DQ finishes where a guy won’t stop beating up another guy are dumb, because this is your job and you’ve obviously beaten the guy to death (and it’s NON TITLE even) so why not just drag him back to the middle and easily pin him and get your paycheck-slash-title-opportunities? This is what you were complaining about before.

2. CM Punk’s elbow looked better tonight, but it’s still a 0.1 on the Macho scale. Note: The Macho scale goes to 100.0.

But yeah, after last week’s abomination I’m happy we got so much wrestling, even with non-finishes and rushed stuff to get to the angles. That’s fine for a Raw, just let the guys wrestle a little before it happens. I’m usually good with that.

Worst: John Cena Is NOBLE And Also Confrontationally Verbose

CM PUNK, I, JOHN CENA, MONEY IN THE BANK WINNER, DO HEREBY ANNOUNCE THAT YOUR REIGN AS WWE CHAMPION, LONG AND STORIED THOUGH IT MAY BE, WILL BE COMPROMISED TO A PERMANENT END NEXT MONDAY WHEN I, JOHN CENA, CHALLENGE YOU, CM PUNK, FOR A WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE 1000TH EPISODE OF RAW, TWEET TWEET MEEP MOOP

When did John Cena become Low Ki? We knew you were gonna announce a challenge, dude, announcing it next week instead of SummerSlam is a little unexpected but hey, you probably could’ve just told us instead of teasing a Tout announcement and waiting until the time after the main event you didn’t know you were gonna have to say it.

Best/Worst: Raw 1000

So, next week is the 1000th episode of Raw. The show goes to three hours and features tons of big matches and special guests, so it should be fun to recap. Then every episode after that, even the really bad ones, are three hours. That means I may have to find a pool house to cage my dogs by the end of the year.

Regardless, I want you guys to help me out with the 1000th Raw (episode) report. Here’s what you want to do:

1. Invite everyone you have ever known to the open discussion thread. We hit 3,000 comments on a normal 2 hour Raw, so let’s get enough people in and enough discussion going to break the UPROXX commenting record and tackle 5,000. We can do it, and hell, we need some new commenting blood anyway.

2. Sign up for a Tout account and send me a clip of you announcing your favorite moment from the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column. This can be serious, condescending, a parody of actual Raw tout messages or whatever you want. I’m going to try to feature a bunch of them in next week’s column, because you know that show is gonna be 99% Tout.

3. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Thornus

DBry is so good at small packages he can pass the win over to others.

Lobster Mobster

Daniel Bryan – “AJ, I’m in lesbians with you”

PorkTiger

CM Punk could never marry a girl who has “let’s light it up” in her entrance song

Danster

Nobody tell my wife, but the first time I asked her to marry me it was so I could become WWE Champion.

DavidDTSS

Good thing Cena didn’t win last year’s MITB…his wife woulda gotten half of his title shot

Half Nelson Muntz

BETTER…THAN EDDIE GUERRERO

SonsOfMass

Christian better start the Killswitch now if he wants to get it all in before the end of next weeks Raw

SizzorB

What, WWE couldn’t get Chyna to come back for the DX Reunion? Were her demands too anal?

redshirt

“I fixed the handle!”

Afternoon Delight

*points to Raw 1,000 sign*

As an added bonus, this week’s report features a live Raw report from Mr. Alejandro Lopez, a man generous enough to send me his words and sit in on the open discussion threads all the time. Check that out and send him some love. Remember kids, people who bring @MrBrandonStroud or With Leather signs to Raw get the best treatment.

Bro-ndon (get it, because you’re my bro and your name is Brandon),
I thought you liked ADR murdering Sin Cara before the bell rang the other week? You say in your column you never like that stuff. But I thought you did.
Also, how are you doing? It’s a pretty nice day here in Washington, DC. I’m going to play some Warhammer and go for a jog after work. Pretty rad day.
Sincerely,
THESTINGER

Dude… my cat must hate me because every time any animal rescue story or Sarah McLachlan song comes on I won’t leave him alone all night. I just hold him and cry “I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” and he’s like “I’m so going to poop in your shoe later.”

I’ll be surprised to see Sin Cara this week on Smackdown. Or again. I was 100% behind the guy, but after nearly killing Ziggler at MitB… I enjoyed our time, masked man, but it’s time to take the midnight train to Mexico City.

Strangely enough, I thought your last point was the most identifiable. I’ve been going to events around Atlanta the last 3-4 years and have the same experience at the end of the night. Everyone is in a goddamn rush. “Hey folks, it’s not like we’re not all taking the same damn train away from this foresaken arena!!”

I think that he could be the first one to cash in the money in the bank and lose and we’d still hate him. I’m still jaded by the whole getting owned by Lesner and entire match and then winning thing though…

I gotta say, I totally agree with you on The Usos implementing more of their ancestors’ moves. That moment with Rikishi was wrestling magic, and I, too, was hoping for a return of those two dweebs Scotty 2 Hotty and Grand Master Sexay (the way JR pronounced that will always be my favorite).

I was secretly hoping for The Usos and Rikishi to attack Brodus Clay. Rikishi could come back and participate in a full-fledged feud with Brodus (with Rikishi and The Usos as a stable of sorts). It would pull Brodus out of the meaningless “squash” purgatory and, well… I like the idea of him getting pummeled by Rikishi and his two sons. Obviously Rikishi would be more of a manager and spiritual leader to his two sons, but he’s Rikishi and I always loved to see him wrestle.

About Tout. Yeah, it sucks. I’ve watched some of those videos and it’s mostly little kids leaving 15 messages each repeating the same thing, “I want to meet you John Cena!”, people who have no idea how to work their cameras, and people who have no idea what they’re talking about (hence the “my favorite moment is when John Cena is on TV”). What’s also disturbingly unsettling is that SO MANY KIDS LOVED THE “JOHN CENA BULLIES AND SLATHERS BBQ SAUCE ON MICHAEL COLE” SEGMENT. They seriously loved that shit.

But, um. I’ve left a Tout video. Oh come on! I had to! Okay, I didn’t have to, but, as Brodus Clay used to say, “Sheeeeee.”

“I’ve been bustin’ my ass, coming up with new dance moves and routines. The worlds eyes are always on me, I go out of my way for all them kids and making their folks happy, and some motherfucking relic of the past is comin’ through and calling me out? Some bullshit, over-the-hill stone age motherfucker and his two boys? Sheeee.”

I’d be pretty excited if Ambrose interrupted the wedding out of nowhere, so he and AJ could get on with being all crazy and intense. But with Raw so stacked, and with so many Important Things happening, I’m sorry to say I don’t see anyone debuting next week. They’d get lost in the shuffle too easily.

Oh shit! Yeah, Ambrose debuting as the spoiler of D-Bry and AJ’s wedding would be totally rad! Bryan would immediately become a face and Ambrose can take all of that heat and become the super-villain he was meant to be!

*facepalm* I wish they would quit remaking shit and instead of the new Savage/Elizabeth, they could be the first D-Bry/AJ. Seriously, STOP SHOEHORNING PEOPLE INTO OLD CHARACTERS AND LET THEM BE THEIR OWN AMAZING SELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A. I was there too, and I am sad I didn’t see Alex* (from the looks of things he was on the other side of the arena from me), but thank him for continuing his apparent streak of only going to good episodes of RAW.

B. I mentioned it in here last night, but I’m gonna say it again: The biggest best of my night (coming in just ahead of the Rikishi/Usos dance) was the little kid behind me in Cena gear with a “If Cena wins we riot” sign because he though riot meant be happy and celebrate, and his mom “Didn’t have the heart to tell him.” I like to imagine that kid watching the RVD-Cena match from One Night Stand on DVD and being super confused about the crowd reactions.

C. I was interning for a PR Firm here in Vegas when the KISS Mini Golf Course opened and I was at the grand opening, and not only is is a KISS themed mini golf course, it also features the “Hotter than Hell Wedding Chapel.” KISS, mini golf, and weddings, three great tastes that taste like despair and confusion.

No idea, but it was adorable listening to the kid all night. His mom actually knew like, all of the wrestlers and storylines, but his dad (I suspect step-dad trying to be “cool”) was completely ignorant coming in and kept asking who everybody was. And by the end of the night step-dad was SUPER into it, and even got some heat from the kid for cheering for Big Show to absolutely destroy Punk.

I grew to like step-dad.

Then I told the six-year-old next to me why Dolph Ziggler was awesome and got him to admit “Yeah, Ziggwer’s o-tay.”

I wonder if Eve would like to get married at this “Hotter than Hell Wedding Chapel”.

Seriously though, the little kids at the shows are so much fun. The little guy next to me made the show more enjoyable as time went on. During the Santino/Jinder Mahal match on Superstars, the crowd started chanting “USE THE COBRA!” the little guy started chanting, “WHO’S THE COBRA!” …”Whose the cobra” indeed little bro, “who’s the cobra’ indeed.

Long as you aren’t an aggressive douche who spends the whole show cursing out Cena, the little kids make the show so much more fun to be at. And if you’re nice to them they’ll talk to you and THEN you can open their eyes to the wonders of Daniel Bryan and the Zig Zag man.

OH! I also had a grown dude (who I suspect was drunk) behind me in a Cena shirt and Rey mask. Dude missed Rey’s return, and I would have felt bad except he was a straight up heel/face guy and was super into everything. That got annoying fast.

I totally agree that I thought JTG was going to win and begin some kind of short lived streak. Everyone talks about how the lower on the card guys are forever in limbo, but actually, a lot of them have managed to rise up to semi-prominence as of late. The Prime Time Players, Reks & Hawkins, the Usos, and even their Godfather, Zack Ryder. I was fully expecting JTG to become one of these guys, but then he just didn’t, which made me even more sad because of Brandon’s comment last week that Drew McIntyre becomes JTG when they’re out of JTG. They’re clearly NOT out of JTG, and the dude is getting enough money to buy himself new trunks and everything, and he even got an entrance on RAW, so why not let D-Mac have some development too?

I would like to propose a “John Cena walkout.” If John Cena wins the WWE Championship, we all should switch the channel and do not switch back until at least 15 minutes. This way, WWE and USA will notice that Raw lost viewers the instant Cena won the title match.

I just want to take this moment to sincerely applaud TeamCaptain on his diligent heel work in the comments to this post. The dedication to surliness is just what I need to remind myself that as good as last night’s show was, WWE will inevitably shit on all of our chests and/or good feelings, turn that event in a t-shirt/tumbler/dog tag/wristband combo pack and sell it to us for 25.99 (20% off!).

I’m going to have to disagree with the worst for the Bryan-AJ wedding. I don’t really any facts or reasoning behind why I disagree other than that segment made so unreasonably happy. Any kind of wrestling “smarts” go out the window with these two and just want to see them happy and together and adorable and oh god is this really sad?

I was too far away to hear it, but from teh internets today it seems like Punk asked if the guy lost a bet and laughed at him. I’ve seen a bunch of people (seriously, you’d be surprised how many people care enough about this) say it was because of what the guy was wearing. The only thing I’ve seen so far as to what the dude had on specifically is one report that he had an AJ Styles shirt on. So, yeah I guess.

I tried to read his lips, but I couldn’t get it. If that’s true, it’s awesome. I like the fact that Punk’s a snarky asshole. Plus, I just like it when the wrestlers interact with the crowd, whether it’s Mark Henry yelling at someone, or Punk doing something like that.

Wait, come to think of it, I saw a screencap somewhere last night of a guy at ringside wearing a Colt Cabana shirt. But it wasn’t clear when the shot was from. Could he just have been joking around with that guy?

Nah, I think she’s done well considering all the bad people pile on her. I understand she’s the “model turned wrestler” we’re supposed to hate but she has been good on both the mic and in the ring lately so how can I hate. Amazingly, with the way wrestling is nowadays, someone doing there job like they’re supposed to is noticeable.

As long as she’s not competing for the Diva’s Championship and/or supposed to be taken seriously as a pro-wrestler, she’s great at interaction, light wrestling jobs and furthering story line. Also, I hear people would like to do her.

I “YES”d so hard at DBry you guys! He definitely got the crowd pumped up. Except the crowd last night was so bi-polar, first they were all Yes-ing him, then they started booing him later during the proposal. Pick a side you bis-polar, you!

Wrestling has been dying slowly for me. With a majority of my favorite wrestlers dead. Plus the magic has been gone for a long time. But thank you brandon for this article, it is very entertaining and I miss the podcasts! “Yea Brandon! Yea Wrestling!”

Raw’s first hour as of episode 1001= An hour of touts, tweets and facebook posts? Woo Woo Woo, you know it!

I have a great feeling about DX showing up.Not only do I see all memebers but Rude showing up (RIP Rude), I see a DX/NWO/4 Horseman staredown, only to be broken up by brutally beating Nexus’ B team. Some people may call me delusional, but,I have a great feeling about DX’s first 20 minutes on Raw.

I know this didn’t happen on Raw, but, I’m just going to go ahead and give Zack Ryder and WWE creative a HUGE worse for Ryder as Smackdown’s GM. Unless this is part of a new gimmick where Ryder has low self-esteem and is depressed, leading to some weird gothic gimmick, I am scratching my head why Ryder didn’t do anything withhimself (like a title shot, or a title shot right after Sheamus fought like 10 other guys). Did he cross swords with Teddy Long at a water fountain or something?

ALejandro, that was a good write up. You should convert to Mormonism or Islam so you can marry Eve. Congrats. I’ll send you a toaster. But so you know, Eve was MINE before she was ever yours, buddy! WOOOOOOOOOO!

I already liked Eve, but she completely won me over yesterday. When the crowd at the arena started a “Hoeski” chant. I kept yelling at them saying things like, “SHE’S A KIND & BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, LEAVE HER ALONE YOU BIG BULLIES!!!!!”

Ok, I’ve had this idea bouncing around in my head for a few weeks now, but since Brandon said something as least tangentially similar, I’ve decided it’s not as crazy as I originally thought.

(Note: I said “not as crazy”, tinfoil hats firmly in place are still likely to be helpful to reading this post.)

What if CM Punk’s title reign is nothing but a big, Cee Lo-style “F–k You!” to the Internet Wrestling Community? Here’s the set up… They know we like Punk because he came through the indy circuit. They make him a star by having him say a lot of the things we might say if given a mic and 10 minutes of Raw. And it works, we start writing all over the place about how cool it is and how this is how WWE should be and wondering if this is the start of a new era in WWE.

But after getting us good and hooked, they lower the boom. They never give him main event status. They start having him say absolutely stupid things. They have him wear HHH’s jacket. They continue to make the focus on nearly everything but CM Punk. And when they do give him a lead storyline, they add in another ICW darling, Daniel Bryan, so that we’re (at least partially) conflicted between the two of them.

It’s almost like WWE is taunting is, saying, “Hey, you want one of your guys to make it big? Well, here you go! But we don’t have to have him do things you like. We’ll have him become inane. We’ll crap on him at every turn. We’ll make him act like a mini-Cena. Will you still support him or will you turn on him?!?”

I think the CM Punk title reign is nothing but a long con on the IWC and we’re all just being pissed on by the WWE.

Just noticed this line as I came back here to skim the new comments:
“Without further adieu, please enjoy the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for July 16, 2012.”

“Adieu” is French for “farewell.” “Ado” means “trivial time wasting.”

I point that out not because I’m a dick, or because I’m humorless, but because I almost became an English major in college, and I notice that stuff.
…If it was intentional, and it’s some super-obscure reference to something I’ve never heard of, or an ironic misuse, then nevermind. I’m humorless.

At least it’s a decent song. Be glad I didn’t chose “Everything is Beautiful” as my screenname.
I used Guitarzan as my on-air name at my college radio station. I didn’t know we had to come up with one, and when our advisor asked me, that’s the first thing that game to mind, b/c I play guitar and have long hair. It was either that or Big Daddy Cool (this was in 2001). But I’m neither tall nor very cool, so…

I seriously want Miz and Kane (wearing thick-framed glasses) to form a Breaking Bad parody tag team. The best part is, they can turn on each other every other match yet still find a way to remain together.

Can anyone explain why the WWE is pushing their new release of the ancient “No Holds Barred” so hard? It’s a horrible movie, Hulk Hogan isn’t their friend anymore (for now), and… and nothing. I don’t get it.

I had minute 55 in the “When the F**k Are They Gonna Mention Dolph Ziggler Winning” Pool. I lost, it was minute 77. I thought as he was walking down that he was going to tell Vicki he didn’t need her, turn face and then she could be GM next week, which would be awesome. But I’ll settle for a Ziggler-Jericho feud. Which should be great.

Also Brandon/anyone, Raw screens on a Wednesday here in Australia, just over 24 hours after the US broadcast so I can’t participate in the discussion thread for Raw. Does anyone know if there’s a reliable stream for Raw every week?

Great write up for a pretty solid RAW. I guess any RAW could be better than last week. It warmed my cold dead heart when the Usos danced with Papa. I also broke my Tout rule just for you because I love you and I’m worried you’re going to commit seppuku once we start 3 hour RAWs. Seriously though, that home page makes me cry.

Nice recap, Alex! If you have cool people around you, it really makes the show better. Little kids are fun: drunk obnoxious dudes not so much. As soon as I leave the Rosemont Horizon, I always get stuck in traffic. At Extreme Rules, WWEUniverse even retweeted my complaints from the parking lot with a #RiseAboveTraffic and that made me love them just a little bit. But hell… I hate leaving arenas after a WWE show. It’s like torture.

Can’t wait for next week… although I know I will live to regret that comment…

“The show goes to three hours and features tons of big matches and special guests, so it should be fun to recap. Then every episode after that, even the really bad ones, are three hours. That means I may have to find a pool house to cage my dogs by the end of the year.”

“That being said, I’m not gonna front — when the lights went down, I said “oh man, when they come back on I hope Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty 2 Hotty are in the ring with him”. I said that.” I did the same thing and was just slightly disappointed when the Usos were in the ring. It was still a good moment.