Cairns may have to phone all the 1990s children he’s let down

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In a major development in the Chris Cairns match-fixing case, prosecutors have suggested that, if found guilty, Chris Cairns will need to personally phone all 73,561 children who, from 1989 through to 2006, were fans of his explosive cricket playing style.

“Your Honour, we propose that if Mr Cairns is found guilty of these charges, there are 73,561 children that we’ve identified from the years 1989 through to 2006 who at one stage or another, idolised Mr Cairns in his capacity as an all-rounder for the Blackcaps,” said the Crown prosecutor today.

“Due to these children being robbed of their childhood idol should Mr Cairns be found guilty, we propose that a suitable punishment would be for Mr Cairns to personally phone all of these children, many who are grown adults now, to apologise for having let them down. These children, many of who pretended they were Chris Cairns during fiercely contested backyard cricket games, will be feeling devastated that the man who’s cricketing ability they once believed in, may have severely let them down.”

Chris Cairns’ defence team said that while in principle they had no objection to the proposed punishment, they suggested it might be more effective if Mr Cairns personally phoned all cricket commentators around the world, and instead ask them to stop referring to promising Blackcaps all-rounders as the “next Chris Cairns” given possible negative connotations that might imply.

“After all, we’re pretty sure Jacob Oram is sick to death of the endless comparisons even after all these years.”