I'm not a sports fan by any stretch of the imagination and the incessant Steelermania is
grating, but I stumbled across this parody of Marc Cohn's hit song "Walking in Memphis"
by Pittsburgh-based singer-songwriter and CMU grad Tim Ruff and was instantly charmed.

"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and
Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The
press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the
ones who get screwed?"-Jay Leno

"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other.
Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington."-Jimmy
Kimmel

"John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other
colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own
state of the union address under their breath."-Jon Stewart

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,'
a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick
February, the shortest month. ... You know what the perfect month would
be? November 2012."-Jay Leno

"Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged
Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."-Conan
O'Brien

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the
Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another
female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote."-Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and
Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than
the raw sexual tension."-Conan O'Brien

"The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was 'Win the
Future.' It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the
rerun of 'Top Chef.'"-Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it
was a pretty good speech for a foreigner."-Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother.
That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate."-Jimmy
Kimmel

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice
President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner
called it a real tearjerker."-Jay Leno

"Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a
natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the
cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for
illegal immigrants the whole time."-Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You
listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of
the union, you take a drink. It helps."-Jimmy Kimmel

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his
speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves
all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan."-Conan
O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and
opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle
East, 'Tuesday.'"-Conan O'Brien

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for
mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won."-Stephen
Colbert

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel
can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's
free to purchase the position."-Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and
according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at
least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan."-Conan
O'Brien

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a
number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He
goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man
proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, Great
chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your
place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm." The Englishman, somewhat taken aback,
goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient
launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad
eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae
the Lord be thankit." This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in
thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering
brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering
prattle!" "Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish
colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the
last." "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this
is the Serious Burns unit."
(via Rampant Scotland

The 11 pm newscasts in Pittsburgh last night contained precisely three
stories: the Steelers beat the Jets and are going to the Super Bowl; it
was really, really cold; and some schools announced a two hour delay
this morning.

And that was it. Several replays of key game moments, reporters standing
outside Heinz Field and South Side bars pointing their cameras at drunk,
hypothermic revelers, a few minutes of weather, and the school delay
crawl at the bottom of the screen.

While the news content will be back to near normal today- if you
consider static videos of auto accidents and burned houses "news"- for
the next two weeks every Pittsburgh newscast will dedicate as much as a
third of its time teasing, promoting, and airing inane Super
Bowl-related drivel.

Please- add a minute or two to the sports segments and put your
"enhanced" Steeler coverage there. We don't need to see players getting
on and off planes, practicing, making predictions, and we sure as hell
don't need to see more grossly overweight fans with black and gold paint
covering their half-nude bodies.

Remember: ""We need to keep it in perspective. It's a very, very
important game, but it's not the be all and end all of everything. The
city better get its act together regardless; I'm talking politically,
with its business leaders, its religious leaders, everybody's got to get
back to work."

What killjoy uttered those remarks? The United States Ambassador to
Ireland and Steelers' Chairman Emeritus, Dan Rooney. He made the comment
when the city was going batshit crazy before the 2005 AFC playoffs.

Let's hope sane heads prevail. But I doubt it.

This is Pittsburgh, after all. And they are the Steelers.

UPDATE:

I happened to catch KDKA's News at 10 on the CW last night. The first half-dozen stories were all
Steelers-related feel good pieces. The "real" news started over 11 minutes into the broadcast.

Republicans, please note, are not taken in by the myth of common ground:
they never move an inch on anything. Gun restrictions are always bad;
taxes are always too high; and there’s nothing on Earth that can’t be
improved by adding either Jesus or bacon. Sarah Palin knows fewer words
than Koko the gorilla, but it’s not a coincidence that [three] of them
are "don’t retreat"’ and the other is "reload."-Bill
Maher

Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This
is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq.-David Letterman

President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The
world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed
meeting President Hu.-Conan O'Brien

Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to
pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed,
and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'-Jay Leno

There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met
President Obama's daughters and asked them, 'So what factories do you
kids work at?'-Jay Leno

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it
was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist -- and the
president of China.-Craig Ferguson

After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe
Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just
lost in that area?-Jimmy Fallon

Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at
least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere
said, 'Totally worth it.'-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he
would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's
looking for a job that will make people hate him less.-Conan
O'Brien

DeForest Kelley, who played the curmudgeonly Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy
in the original Star Trek series, was born on this day in 1920 in
Atlanta, Georgia. He was the first member of the original Star Trek
cast to pass away, on June 11, 1999, at the age of 79.

Initially approached for the role of the Vulcan science officer Mr.
Spock, Kelley was instead cast as the ship's chief medical officer,
described by series creator Gene Roddenberry as "a future-day H.L.
Mencken". An unabashed cynic of technology, the McCoy character was a
self-described old fashioned country doctor who put more faith in
humanity than high technology.

In a 1982 interview with author Allan Asherman, Kelley said McCoy
represented "the perspective of the audience, that if you were along on
the voyage you'd think, 'These people are crazy! How in the hell do they
expect to do that?'" Indeed, the McCoy character was often used to
interject a dose of reality, interpret the techno-babble, and explain
the frequently convoluted plotting of the more arcane Trek
adventures to those in the audience struggling to follow the science
fiction storylines.

His summary of the plot of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home,
delivered in exasperated disbelief to the gung-ho Captain Kirk, still
stands as one of the best examples of exposition in screen history:

"You're proposing that we go backwards in time, find humpbacked whales,
then bring them forward in time, drop 'em off, and hope to hell they
tell this probe what to go do with itself?!" The entire plot in fewer
than 35 words. That's Bones for you.

The son of a Baptist minister, Jackson DeForest Kelley wanted to be a
doctor like an uncle he greatly admired, but his family couldn't afford
to send him to medical school. He instead became a
character actor who worked steadily in film and television from the late
1940s through the 1960s.Star Trek's popularity in
syndication essentially ended his acting career, but he considered
himself fortunate to be associated with a role that made him a permanent
icon in popular culture, and he made a comfortable living by reprising
his character for the motion picture series and appearing on the
convention circuit.

Asherman's interview ended with a quote that could serve as an accurate
and fitting epitaph:

"I'd wanted to be a physician and couldn't- and yet became the most
well-known doctor in the galaxy."

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that
the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live
by them.

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.

Domestic policy can only lose elections. Foreign policy
can kill us.

Even today, there is little value in opposing the threat
of a closed society by imitating its arbitrary restrictions.
Even today, there is little value in insuring the survival
of our nation if our traditions do not survive with it.

For those to whom much is given, much is required.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I don't think the intelligence reports are all that hot.
Some days I get more out of The New York Times.

If a nation cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot
save the few who are rich.

If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society
must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it
takes him.

If we are strong, our character will speak for itself. If
we are weak, words will be of no help.

If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can
help make the world safe for diversity.

In politics you have no friends, only allies.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill,
that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any
hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the
survival and the success of liberty.

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President
but they don't want them to become politicians in the
process.

There are risks and costs to a program of action. But
they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of
comfortable inaction.

There will always be dissident voices heard in the land,
expressing opposition without alternatives, finding fault
but never favor, perceiving gloom on every side and seeking
influence without responsibility. Those voices are
inevitable.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make
violent revolution inevitable.

Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the
discomfort of thought.

Unless liberty flourishes in all lands, it cannot
flourish in one.

War will exist until that distant day when the
conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and
prestige that the warrior does today.

Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern
charm.

We are not afraid to entrust the American people with
unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and
competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its
people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a
nation that is afraid of its people.

We celebrate the past to awaken the future.

We must never forget that art is not a form of
propaganda; it is a form of truth.

I know you think this story has no purpose other than keeping Sarah
Palin's name in the headlines for another news cycle.

I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue, and
that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with words
picked up at random from a thesaurus.

I know you think Sarah Palin is at best a self-promoting ignoramus and
at worst a shameless media troll who'll abuse any platform to deliver
dog-whistle encouragement to a far-right base that may include possible
insurrectionists.

I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike and
at the same time I know you believe it also represents the pinnacle of
her potential, and that her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so
completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago, that
there would be more journalistic integrity in reporting on one of the
lesser Kardashian's ass implants.

And I know that when you arrive at the office each day you say a silent
prayer that maybe, just maybe, Sarah Palin will at long last shut up for
ten f**king minutes.

This is America, where a white Catholic male Republican judge was murdered on his way
to greet a Democratic Jewish woman member of Congress, who was his friend.
Her life was saved initially by a 20-year old Mexican-American gay college student,
and eventually by a Korean-American combat surgeon, all eulogized by our
African American President.-Mark Shields, quoting Maine historian Allen Ginsberg

A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men
purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan.

By our readiness to allow arms to be purchased at will and fired at
whim, we have created an atmosphere in which violence and hatred have
become popular pastimes.

Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude.

Freedom is not free.

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps
to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is
really cooperating with it.

History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of
social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the
appalling silence of the good people.

I am as deeply concerned about our own troops there as anything else.
For it occurs to me that what we are submitting them to in Vietnam is
not simply the brutalizing process that goes on in any war where armies
face each other and seek to destroy. We are adding cynicism to the
process of death, for they must know after a short period there that
none of the things we claim to be fighting for are really involved.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final
word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger
than evil triumphant.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where
they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of
their character.

I submit that an individual who breaks the law that conscience tells him
is unjust and willingly accepts the penalty by staying in jail to arouse
the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality
expressing the very highest respect for law.

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit
to live.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the
silence of our friends.

In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of
wrongful deeds.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the
cup of bitterness and hatred.

Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for
others?

Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. Judicial
decrees may not change the heart, but they can restrain the heartless.

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and
conscientious stupidity.

One who condones evil is just as guilty as the one who perpetrates it.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that
matter.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided
missiles and misguided men.

Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the philanthropist to
overlook the circumstances of economic injustice which make philanthropy
necessary.

Success, recognition, and conformity are the bywords of the modern world
where everyone seems to crave the anesthetizing security of being
identified with the majority.

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase,
just take the first step.

That old law about "an eye for an eye" leaves everybody blind.

The Negro's concern isn't to be the white man's brother-in-law, but to
be his brother.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of
comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and
controversy.

The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our
nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish,
but we have not yet learned the simple art of living together like
brothers. Our abundance has brought us neither peace of mind nor
serenity of spirit.

We must accept finite disappointments, but we must never lose infinite
hope.

We must learn to live together as brothers, or perish together as fools.

When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you
cannot be too conservative.

"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to
three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for
his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"-Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The
good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month."-Jay
Leno

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,'
for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide
by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things."-Jimmy
Kimmel

"When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know
they're serious about being president of the United States."-Jay
Leno

"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a
second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice
president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year."-Jay
Leno

"Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' as her vice
president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once."-Jay
Leno

"Sarah Palin knows angry speech isn't a call to violence. Unless it's
angry speech directed at Sarah Palin in which case it is a call to
violence."-Stephen Colbert

"Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the
teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities
believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers."-Jay
Leno

"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his
mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of
lies or 'The National Enquirer'?"-Jay Leno

"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level
of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to
cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House."-Jay
Leno

"San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history
museum. The museum is called 'San Francisco.'"-Conan O'Brien

"The blizzard was three hours of howling wind- kind of like Rush
Limbaugh's radio show."-Conan O'Brien

"It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn't in any
way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let's at least
make troubled individuals easier to spot."-Jon Stewart,
reflecting on vitriolic political rhetoric in the wake of the Arizona
shooting

I do think that it's a worthwhile goal not to conflate our
political opponents with our enemies if for no other reason
than to draw a better distinction between the manifesto of
paranoid mad men and what passes for acceptable political
pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of
crazy people didn't in any way resemble how we actually talk
to each other on TV. Let's at least make troubled
individuals easier to spot.-Jon Stewart

(This commentary by Elayne Boosler appeared in the Huffington
Post in April of 2007 following the Virginia Tech shootings. As she
noted yesterday on Facebook, "It's only worse since I wrote this piece.")

If 33 people were killed by apples instead of guns at Virginia Tech,
there wouldn't be an apple left on the shelves or in the homes of this
country until apples could be made safe. Screw your "constitutional
right" to have an apple, there is something called the "greater good",
and the good of the country takes precedence over your "interpretation"
of any amendment in the now defunct anyway constitution. Just ask the
spinach growers, and the people who love to yell "fire" in a crowded
theater. And why do you always forget the words, "well regulated
militia"?

2500 Children Left Behind

If 2500 children under the age of 17 were felled by apples instead of
guns every year in America, there wouldn't be a congressman or senator
left serving who took one penny from the National Apple Association. The
shame and admonishment would be too great. And if there were even
incremental steps to take to make apples safer, and even they were
fought tooth and nail by your blood money National Apple Association,
claiming the straw man of the "slippery slope" to "regulation", America
might better see you for the mercenary and shameful organization you
truly are.

We are getting tired of prying your guns out of your cold dead hands.

Here's a news flash for you gun waving "real Americans": It's not about
guns. It's about money. Follow the money. The NRA raises hundreds of
millions of dollars by convincing you they are fighting for your
"rights". Wake up. It's a business. Just like any other business, except
with the help of their bought off representatives, they are the only
UNREGULATED consumer product in America. What do they sell? FEAR. Fear,
fake patriotism, and fake bravado, just like their commander in chief,
President Custer. You're being played.

With their hundreds of millions of dollars raised on the blood of
murdered Americans, they pay themselves, they keep their product
manufacturers flush, and they buy their government officials. They exist
to convince you you need their product. And when sales slow, they target
new markets. They market fear to women, then sell them "feminine little
purse guns". They market to children. The cartoon character Joe Camel is
banned, but sure shootin' Eddie Eagle is alive and well to shit again on
Friday. (He teaches children "gun safety", meaning, he teaches children
to use guns.)

We're Number One!!

The number of children under the age of 17 shot by guns in America every
year is greater than the gun-related deaths of children in all the
industrialized nations of the world COMBINED.

Here is the population of Japan: 127,463,611.

Here is the number of children killed by guns in Japan every year: 0.

A 2001 Centers for Disease Control (CDC) study found that in homicides
among intimate partners, women are murdered more with guns than with all
other means COMBINED.

In 2004, guns were most commonly used by males to murder their female
partners.

A 2003 study found women living with a gun in the home were almost three
times more likely to be murdered than women with no gun in the home.

"If we ban handguns only criminals will have guns." Well then let's not
have any laws in America at all. No drug laws, no traffic laws, no laws
at all, right? Duh.

"Cars kill people!!" Yes, cars kill people when something goes wrong.
Guns are MADE to kill people. Handguns have one purpose, to kill people.

Stage Rule: If There is a Gun on the Wall in Act I, It Will Go Off in
Act II.

Bush's Unmitigated Gall

I watched President Custer speak at the Virginia Tech memorial
yesterday. How dare he "express condolences". How DARE he. Here is how
his administration helped kill 33 people at Virginia Tech:

Passage of gun industry immunity bill. That's right, you can sue every
industry in America, except gun manufacturers and dealers. Your family
gets murdered by a madman? Tough.

Refusal to aid in renewal of federal assault weapons ban, even though
the law had already been eviscerated by the gun industry. Get it?
INDUSTRY.

Fighting background checks. The Virginia shooter had been committed to a
mental institution. In Virginia that means you can't buy a gun. Oh yeah?
Thank goodness the gun shop owner who sold it to him can't be sued.

The president does not support the police when citizens can have assault
weapons.

The president does not support the police when citizens can have armor
piercing bullets.

The president helps the terrorists when anyone can have a shoulder
rocket launcher that can take a plane out of the sky. And I'm taking my
shoes off at the airport?

The president helps the terrorists when he supports a ban on release of
federal crime tracing data necessary to identify patterns in illegal gun
trafficking.

The president helps the terrorists when he requires the ATF to
immediately destroy gun sales records previously allowed to be kept for
90 days under Brady Bill background check.

We Found the WMD. They Are Here.

Guns are for cowards. You can kill from a distance. You are detached,
removed. You don't get your hands dirty. You don't feel the life
draining out of another human being in an eye to eye struggle, face to
face, with your hands squeezing or beating soft, human, flesh, one on
one. We had just as many disturbed, sick citizens in America in the last
century as we do in this. The difference now is access to weapons of
mass destruction. Anyone can have a gun. Anyone. It did not used to be
like this. It's easy to kill now.

The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight

"Two Secret Service officers were injured yesterday after a gun held by
another Secret Service officer accidentally fired inside the White House
gate. The officers received wounds to face and leg."

"Vice President Cheney shoots hunting companion in the face."

So really, what chance do thousands of children a year have?

3,300 Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in the last four
years. 120,000 Americans have been shot to death in America in the last
four years. Where is the outrage? If we can elect a new congress based
on its commitment to end the war overseas, we can elect a congress
committed to end the war here at home. End both wars.

Here's the Punchline

Today the supreme court overturned thirty years of supreme court
precedent, and overturned the findings of six federal courts, to declare
war on women, their health, their privacy, and their lives, by upholding
a ban on dilation and curettage abortion that contains NO exception to
preserve the health or SAVE THE LIFE of the woman. Justice Ruth Bader
Ginsberg, writing for the four dissenting justices, called the decision
"alarming".

Wait for it...

President Custer - "Today's decision affirms that the Constitution does
not stand in the way of the people's representatives enacting laws
reflecting the compassion and humanity of America. This affirms the
progress my administration has made to defend the 'sanctity of life'".

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a
presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the
body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t."-Jon
Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start
things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. They took turns
each reading a part of the Constitution. Then there was a break for
lunch and a slave auction."-Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to
undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the
Obama kids that the dog has to go back."-David Letterman

"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to
John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep
a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched
eyebrows."-Jay Leno

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has
an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of
the House."-Jimmy Kimmel

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his
involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The
good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'"-Jay
Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the
sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is
having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish."-Jay
Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to
pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt."-Jay
Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin . She lowered
the bar."-David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans'
First Day In Charge Of The House"10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop
crying"9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"8.
"I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"7.
"Beer me!"6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the
economy fixed?"5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your
nose"4. "When is vacation?"3. "No, Sen. McCain,
Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"2. "When do we get to
sleep with the pages?"1. "How soon can we go back to invading
countries for oil?"