Celia Rivenbark - Send in women to get the job done right

Published: Sunday, June 23, 2013 at 12:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Friday, June 21, 2013 at 1:11 p.m.

Last year it was a dozen Secret Service agents caught partying with prostitutes in Colombia when they should've been doing the advance work for a presidential visit.

This week, it's the revelation that members of the security detail charged with protecting all State Department officials on overseas trips hired prostitutes to pass the time.

Clearly there is only one solution to this foolishness: From now on, by executive order, only women will be hired in these security jobs.

That's right. Only Ovarian Americans need apply. No exceptions.

Because, at the end of the day, women understand that when it comes to hiring hookers on the taxpayer dime, ain't nobody got time for that.

What's that you say? Men shouldn't be discriminated against in any job?

Waaaaaaaah. I can't hear you.

Turns out that a report looking into the dalliances by the Diplomatic Security Service declares the problem of security staffers hiring hookers is "endemic," which is Latin for "lots and lots of penicillin."

Look. I get that after a tough day of poring over maps of limo routes and wearing really high-dollar sunglasses, you need to unwind. But isn't there an NBA playoff game playing in a bar somewhere? Do these cities not have cable? Go to a museum, for crying out loud. Improve your mind. Go buy a nice souvenir for your wife, preferably something that doesn't require prescription medication down the line.

As if consorting with prostitutes isn't bad enough, consider that the Secret Service agents in Colombia even tried to cheat them out of their legally earned wages.

Since prostitution is legal in Colombia, this was, to the Secret Service agents, apparently no more unseemly than trying to get the Domino's guy to give you a dollar off because you ordered hand-tossed, not thin and crispy.

While we're at it, let's get rid of all the male ambassadors, too. In the same DSS investigation, one unnamed ambassador was known to routinely ditch his security detail to pick up prostitutes in the city parks.

Where do we get these ambassadors? The International House of Pervs?

OK, OK. To be fair, which y'all know I just hate, I'm sure the vast majority of diplomats are hardworking and dedicated public servants who don't pencil in play dates with prostitutes between state dinners but why take chances? Be gone. Send in the womenfolk.

Now I know what a lot of you are saying: How do you know women wouldn't do the same thing?

And I would say: Have you ever met a woman? I mean a real one, not an inflatable one.

I realize that this suggestion to only hire women is probably not entirely legal but it's worth a try. Oh, and while we're at it, let's make sure that we find jobs for all those displaced male security workers. I know! Let 'em be Boy Scout leaders since being heterosexual is apparently the only important requirement for that job. Two birds, one stone y'all.

Celia Rivenbark is a syndicated humor columnist and author of the coming "Rude Bitches Make Me Tired." Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

<p>Last year it was a dozen Secret Service agents caught partying with prostitutes in Colombia when they should've been doing the advance work for a presidential visit.</p><p>This week, it's the revelation that members of the security detail charged with protecting all State Department officials on overseas trips hired prostitutes to pass the time.</p><p>Clearly there is only one solution to this foolishness: From now on, by executive order, only women will be hired in these security jobs.</p><p>That's right. Only Ovarian Americans need apply. No exceptions.</p><p>Because, at the end of the day, women understand that when it comes to hiring hookers on the taxpayer dime, ain't nobody got time for that.</p><p>What's that you say? Men shouldn't be discriminated against in any job?</p><p>Waaaaaaaah. I can't hear you.</p><p>Turns out that a report looking into the dalliances by the Diplomatic Security Service declares the problem of security staffers hiring hookers is "endemic," which is Latin for "lots and lots of penicillin."</p><p>Look. I get that after a tough day of poring over maps of limo routes and wearing really high-dollar sunglasses, you need to unwind. But isn't there an NBA playoff game playing in a bar somewhere? Do these cities not have cable? Go to a museum, for crying out loud. Improve your mind. Go buy a nice souvenir for your wife, preferably something that doesn't require prescription medication down the line.</p><p>As if consorting with prostitutes isn't bad enough, consider that the Secret Service agents in Colombia even tried to cheat them out of their legally earned wages.</p><p>Since prostitution is legal in Colombia, this was, to the Secret Service agents, apparently no more unseemly than trying to get the Domino's guy to give you a dollar off because you ordered hand-tossed, not thin and crispy.</p><p>While we're at it, let's get rid of all the male ambassadors, too. In the same DSS investigation, one unnamed ambassador was known to routinely ditch his security detail to pick up prostitutes in the city parks.</p><p>Where do we get these ambassadors? The International House of Pervs?</p><p>OK, OK. To be fair, which y'all know I just hate, I'm sure the vast majority of diplomats are hardworking and dedicated public servants who don't pencil in play dates with prostitutes between state dinners but why take chances? Be gone. Send in the womenfolk.</p><p>Now I know what a lot of you are saying: How do you know women wouldn't do the same thing?</p><p>And I would say: Have you ever met a woman? I mean a real one, not an inflatable one.</p><p>I realize that this suggestion to only hire women is probably not entirely legal but it's worth a try. Oh, and while we're at it, let's make sure that we find jobs for all those displaced male security workers. I know! Let 'em be Boy Scout leaders since being heterosexual is apparently the only important requirement for that job. Two birds, one stone y'all.</p><p><a href="http://www.starnewsonline.com/section/topic36"><b>Celia Rivenbark</b></a> is a syndicated humor columnist and author of the coming "Rude Bitches Make Me Tired." Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.</p>