The Do's And Don'ts Of Sexting

Sexting is essentially like watching porn with dial-up Internet, five seconds of gratification for every five minutes you wait. Nonetheless, sexting has become a pivotal part of actually getting laid.

Although I doubt the creators of smartphones thought this is what their technology would one day be used for, sexting is the glue that holds our horny society together.

Nowadays, thanks to celebrities like Tiger Woods, Brett Favre and Governor what’s his face, we know that certain precautions need to be taken when sexting. I’ll admit it can be kind of hot, and it may even take your relationship to the next level. But remember, it’s only good when it’s done right.

Below are the top 10 do’s and don’ts of sexting.

Don’t Sext Before You Actually Have Sex

There is nothing that can possible be worse than over delivering via text and under delivering in real life. Actually I lied, the one thing that’s worse is sexting awesome pictures of yourself that you had to retake 37 times to get the perfect angle, and then show up with three nipples (or some other weird shit) in real life. A good rule of thumb is to not do anything via smartphone, which you have not yet performed in real life.

Do Tap Into Your Fantasies

This is your opportunity to say all the kinky things you actually want, but you don’t say the balls to say in person. This way, hiding behind your cell phone is the perfect excuse.

Plus, if you’re really a freak, your partner may get the hint and cue into what you actually want done in bed, and do it.

Don’t Use Emoticons

Anything other than a wink is just creepy. If they came up with a blowjob emoticon, fine you have my blessing. But, since I know they haven’t, you have no excuse. Sidenote: If you're one of those creepers who is sexting with a person you never actually met and they’re using emoticons, there’s a good chance the person on the other end is either a 14-year-old girl or a boy on the brink of homosexuality. Either way, stop.

Do Be A Tease

In all fairness, sexting is the only time you can be a tease and have it be appreciated. The best sext stems from built up anticipation; don’t show all the goods at once. This virtual version of foreplay will prolong your experience and may actually end in a happy ending. If you know what I mean, I hope you know what I mean.

Don’t Write a Novel

Calm down Shakespeare, nobody has time to sit there and read the great American novel of all the things you want to do. Keep it short and sweet. The thing with sexting is that you can just respond to anything with an “ohhh” and it will make sense. So, the longer it is, the less likely it is that person actually reads it.

Do Censor Yourself

I don’t give a shit how much you “trust” your sexting buddy, I absolutely forbid you to sext pictures with any identifying marker that it’s you. Let’s just say I know a girl who knows a girl who sent her long-term boyfriend a picture of her penis garage. Long story short, her snatch is now online for everyone to see. This picture also has her face in it. Bad move.

Don’t Sext The Wrong Person

You know that horrifying moment when you realize you accidently text the wrong person and it’s just a regular message. Well, sexting the wrong person will make you want to hang yourself from your shower rod. Also, under no circumstances should you drink and sext because that almost ensures that you will end up accidently sending a dick pic to your boss/mom/friend/anyone but the person who it was actually meant for.

Do Delete Delete Delete

This goes back to the age-old rule that our mom’s taught us: clean up after yourself. Even though I’m almost positive this isn’t the scenario had in mind, the rule still applies.

When you're done sexting, cover your tracks and make sure the conversation is deleted. However, since I know you people are undercover freaks, there’s an app you can download on your phone that files and locks away all the dirty shit you don’t want people seeing. You’re welcome.

Don’t Be a Hooker

Don’t you dare partake in textual intercourse with multiple people at the same damn time. If you’re not very smart and get easily confused it can end badly. Plus, if you’re the kind of person who’s into having threesomes, here’s an idea: get the fuck away from your phone and go do it.

Do Be Careful If You Use Fancy Technology

I know some of you fancy freaks use Facetime or whatever to sext; not a good idea. I understand the allure of it, but you have to understand that when you use technology like this, the person on the other end can snapshot a picture of you. And like I’ve mentioned before, you really, really don’t want those pictures online.

Closing Thoughts: Sexting is complete bullshit. If it’s bad it’s boring. And if it’s good you have to end up doing all the work yourself. By the way, it’s rarely good.