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Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Pathology of Winning

I was out at dinner with a friend once, and he ordered a whole tray of sushi. Now, I'm a huge fan of sushi, its probably my most favorite food ever. And I can put away a lot of it, even though, oh, I try SOOO hard to savor every bite.

When this tray of sushi came to the table, it had all kinds of things I'd never eaten before, and I was excited to start popping it into my mouth. All except the spider crab. That creeps me out. It has an exoskeleton. I'm not sure what it is, I don't have anything against things with an exoskeleton, I mean, we all have to exist somehow, right? And that's a pretty cool way to be. But it doesn't mean I'm keen to eat it.

"Wow. Doesn't eating the shell of the crab creep you out?" I ask.

Now, my friend, being a fairly savvy, intelligent man, with a wicked sense of humor, gets an evil gleam in his eye.

"No, it doesn't creep me out. Why, Kate? Does it creep you out?"

Oh dear. I feel it coming. I can feel it inside. The will to win. In me, it feels like the thrill of putting my will up alongside my fear and seeing which one is stronger. I try to gravitate toward the part that feels fun and funny to me, and let the fear be a component of that, rather than letting the fear swamp me and dampen my ability to do what I need to do to Win.

In this case to win against myself; my fear, my prejudice, my friend's glee, (he'd already won, anyway, he knew I didn't want to do this, and he also knew there was no way I wasn't going to...), I needed to put a bunch of fried, spiky, hairy crab leg skeletons into my mouth. Ugh.

Well, when it comes to deciding to do potentially dangerous things on my skis, bike and snowboard, my fear is my friend, we work together. When it comes to putting bugs of ANY kind in my mouth... blehh! I have goosebumps and heeby jeebies just THINKING about it.

"What?" I ask, although I know this is coming. I am stalling for time, checking inside, how important is it to win? What will I be wining against? What will I be giving up in order to win?

Answer: Its not that important to be the victor over him, to win. I felt that come up, so I have permission to back off if I want to, and just say, No way, that's too gross, that's my boundary, I'm not doing it.

But hey. This is dead, deep fried in tempura, I like crab, it is more the IDEA of the skeleton that is stopping me from winning.

So what would I win against? I'd win against my own prejudice that was keeping me from experiencing something. Something I know is safe. I would win against a nonsensical fear. I would win against fear.

"Okay. I will." I say, defiantly, a huge shiver going all over. There is no hiding it. I am creeped out and thrilled at the same time. "I'm totally creeped out." I admit.

He smiles. His teeth are very white. He looks like a movie star or a bachelor of the year, I'm not kidding you. He leans back in his chair and crosses his legs. I'm not sure if, for him, this is about making me squirm, seeing how far he can push me, or watching me eat what he tells me to. Who cares. Game on.

He points a long, elegant finger at the end piece. The one with all the legs sticking out of it like its going to stand up and walk away any second. He can barely contain his mirth, his eyes are laughing hysterically.

"That one." he says.

How did I know it?

Admitting I was creeped out beyond all did two things for me, here. First of all, it put the fear out there. It wasn't a secret that I was scared, for either of us, and while this is a fun game to play, it was a tactical choice on my part. Admitting the fear exists takes some of its power away.

Lucky for me, the only consequence was that I was now faced not just with the crisply sliced cross pieces of some sort of Damien Hurst goes to dinner specialty roll, now, in order to Win, I had to put the creature proper in my mouth. Well, that was the only consequence I was willing to consider. Of course, we are playing more than one game, here.

I reach for it with my chopsticks, feeling slightly out of body. Am I really going to do this? What if it DOES make me puke? What if it is worse than I thought? And then, QUICK on the heels of that negative thought, my tough coaches voice, internally: (it sounds like R. Lee Ermey) ITS FOOD! YOU WILL EAT IT AND IT WILL BE FINE!

RIGHT NOW! EAT! DON'T BE SUCH A BABY! YOU ARE COMMITTED! GET THAT MOTHER F*&CKER IN YOUR MOUTH STAT! CALL YOURSELF TOUGH! I'VE SEEN TOUGHER GRANDMOTHERS THAN YOU!

It almost drowns my friend out as I casually dip this enormous (much bigger than my mouth) end cap of Spider roll in too much Soy Sauce. Really. Why do they have to call it a spider roll? It looks like a tarantula, all I can think is it could come to life and get out of my chopsticks and bite back, I'd run screaming from the restaurant, some insane amalgam of spider and deep fried crab attached to my bottom lip, which is swelling at alarming proportions, its eyes are gleaming, little bits of sprouts waving tantalizingly from inside its hip seaweed belt... god help me WHY do I always have to win?

On the outside, I hope, I'm all business.

He sees that I'm serious. I'm committed now, its a matter of execution. The place and time for fear has come and gone, now its about tactics. How much soy sauce do I need? How much longer can I wait before the fear comes back? HOW am I going to eat this?

"The whole thing." he says, upping the ante. I freeze and look at him, hoping I look saucy and game.

"I want you to put it in your mouth, and eat it. The whole thing. Right now. And I want you to chew it." He says. The mirth is gone. This game is worth winning for all kinds of reasons right now.

I feel calm inside, exacting, there is a time for mirth and play. There is a time for pride.

Oh, dear. Here it occurs to me that one can loose oneself in one's desire to win. I mean, really. Yes, I could cram this whole thing in my mouth and choke it down and win because I'm a tough chick, and while I'm busy convincing myself that that's true, there is something to be said to enjoying the experience of winning. Or of the journey that you take as you attempt to win. I certainly wasn't going to put this thing in my mouth with the intention of LOSING!

I raise an eyebrow at my opponent, and dunk one more time. "The whole thing? Are you sure?" I ask him, smiling. It doesn't matter what its made out of, I've already decided that I can eat it. Now, there's a new level to win at: can I enjoy it? I mean really enjoy it. Can I get past my prejudice and fear and find something in the experience, whether its me conquering my fear, or the taste of the crab, or even the crunchy texture of the shell that I can savor and enjoy?

It happens on my skis as well, there are times when I feel like, SCREW IT JUST GO! And I'm in, I'm all in, and it looks, and feels like a total goat rope. I'm proud of myself for doing it, but there is something missing in the touch side, in fact, when I go in in this kind of shape, I, more often that not, miss the ride completely!

I look my friend in the eye. He has realized that I'm going to do it. I see his loss, but his victory, and surprise in his dark eyes. His slipper-ed foot, clad in Prada, jiggles slightly, the only concession to his eagerness to see if I'll really do it or not.

I look at my chopsticks. All in. I open my mouth and put that giant, spiky thing in my mouth, as much as I can fit, all at once. My cheeks fill up like a chipmunk, one crusty leg is poking out of my lips, I chew.

"Chew it." he says, cheering me on, now. I can't believe I've done this. Once again, I'm in way over my head. Its MUCH more roll than I thought it would be. There is no way to get this done elegantly. I cede my need to win the finesse part of the game and just enjoy the ridiculousness of the situation, (something else that often happens to me on my skis, just when I realize that the snow is much more like Monkey Snot than I expected, and while I'm going to do the best I can to ski it well, I'm also going to let myself laugh all the way down every time I get off balance.)

Of course, in this instance, if I burst out laughing like I want to, my friend is going to find himself covered in crab and rice, not to mention little bits of skeleton. I smile as best I can, sucking that errant leg inside my mouth as soon as there is room and finish it off.

He laughs, the game is over, and I feel the thrill of victory. I flush with excitement, it wasn't bad, the crab is tasty, the skeleton is crunchy, I'm tempted to eat another piece (but not the end) just to prove that I can. He raises his glass, a laughing smile on his face, and I insist inside that I knew I could do it all along, I own it, I am the girl that ate the spider. Hear me roar.

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Bill Fabrocini PT, OCS, CSCS, and former physical therapist and strength coach of Olympic Snowboard champions Gretchen Bleiler and Chris Klug. Bill is currently the rehabilitation and conditioning advisor to the Chivas de Gaudalajara professional soccer team n Mexico, and strength coach to professional cyclist Tejay Van Garderen. Click on the photo to explore Bill's Tumblr blog, filled with videos on conditioning for athletes.

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Thomas Crum is an author and presenter in the fields of conflict resolution, peak performance, and stress management. He is known throughout the world for his interactive live presentations and his three best-selling books. Recent clients include the NFL’s Miami Dolphins and the Navy SEALs. Click on the image to read more about coaching by Tom Crum.

Kate's Team 2016: Training Partner: Kurt Fehrenbach

Kurt was a member of the 2008 National Alpine Team and is currently an Examiner for PSIA RM and a verifier for Aspen/Snowmass. He and Kate have been training and adventuring together for over eight years.

Kate's Team 2016: Mentor - Megan Harvey

2-term National Alpine Team alum, Megan was the first person to step in and help me believe I could achieve my goal of making the National Team. Megan combines an incredibly giving heart, with an insatiable drive and problem-solving bug. Megan has taught me how to be a great trainer, how to give my time to others, how to be an integral part of the ski school. She has taught me about budgeting my time, how to be professional in this industry, and how to help others. She is also willing to give it to me straight, working with me both on and off-snow. Her no-nonsense direct feedback is to the point and never couched in cuddles or bubbles. She has an opinion. She shares it. I do what she says. Megan is one of the most incredibly dedicated, giving, loving, caring people I have ever had the pleasure to meet, and I am grateful to count her amongst my friends, and honored to have her as an official member of my team.

Kate's Team 2016: Bootfitting: Brent Amsbury

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Every aspiration needs support. I am fortunate to have the energy, belief and support of my entire family behind me as I reach for a spot on the National Alpine Team in 2016.

Read it from the Begining!

Heros and Inspiration

These are people who I am learning about who inspire me, make me feel like I'm not crazy to love what I do, and who broke trail ahead of me so I can ski, too...

Bill Brigs:

The first man to ski the Grand Teton, he skied it alone, with no witnesses. But a newspaper plane took him to the top the next day and the evidence was still there: solo tracks in the snow from the top of the Grand. "You dream up what you want to do with your life..."

Stefano De Benedetti:

"In the Perfect Moment, I was so concentrated there was no space for other thoughts. When you want to make a turn, and you are at the top of a steep vertical wall, I mean, when you are in the situation that if you fall you die, everything changes. You think very much about turning. You think very much about WHERE to turn. And you do all this in a very special way.

You act like a different person.

You act with all your self.

You are making a completely different experience, and in some way, you are discovering yourself.

This is the magic of the mountain. You can except to die for this. You don't wanna to die. But to live so close to the possibility of dying, you understand what is really important, and what NOT.

And this makes you a better person. Its probably the highest moment of my life because in the perfect moment I was, or I felt to be, a little superman."

Anatoli Boukreev:

An incredibly accomplished high altitude climber and guide, Anatoli also pulled off one of the most spectacular high altitude rescues single handedly in a blinding snowstorm after having not had significant rest for 35 hours and after summiting Mt. Everest. He saved the lives of three climbers from his team, the ill fated Scott Fischer Mountain Madness expedition in 1996.

"Mountains are not stadiums where I satisfy my ambition to achieve, they are the cathedrals where I practice my religion...I go to them as humans go to worship. From their lofty summits I view my past, dream of the future and, with an unusual acuity, am allowed to experience the present moment...my vision cleared, my strength renewed. In the mountains I celebrate creation. On each journey I am reborn."

Snow Report

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Quotes That Help

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castena

"A life in harmony with nature, the love of truth and virtue, will purge the eyes to understanding her text." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world." ~ Buddha

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver

"You are right where you need to be. And where you need to be to learn what you need to learn is not always comfortable and can be quite unpleasant." Amy Keefer

"There is nothing new in the world; everything has been done before, sometimes hundreds of times. But our perspectives always change. There are always new perspectives." - the Dalai Lama

"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrong doing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean." - Aldous Huxley

"The Chinese character for "Crisis" is comprised of two characters: the character for "Danger" and the character for "Opportunity"."

"Take your face out of your hands and clear your eyes. You have a right to your dreams, and DON'T BE DENIED." Ben Harper

"Praise and blame. Gain and loss. Pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." - Buddha

"Failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Chinese Proverb.

"A venturesome minority will always be eager to set off on their own, and no obstacles should be placed in their path; let them take risks, for godsake, let them get lost, sunburnt, stranded, drowned, eaten by bears, buried alive under avalanches - that is the right and privilege of any free American." - Edward Abbey

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford

"If you are walking along with nothing but a bamboo cane, and someone attacks you with a sword, you should take their sword from them. This, then, is already your victory." 15th Century Martial Arts Master (from the book Secret Tactics of the Martial Arts Experts)

"Those who say you can't shouldn't get in the way of those who are doing it" - unkown via Alyssa

"Somewhere, someone is training harder than you are. And when you meet them in head to head competition, they will beat you." No Fear

"Its not nearly as High and Tight as you think it is, Kate" - Josh Spohler