The Mike Adams action figure

Warning: This is a Mike Adams column. It may contain language that may be offensive to some readers.

Last week, several leftists at the University of New Hampshire tried to have my speech cancelled on the grounds that it might be too offensive. They tried to convince some administrators that a number of my offensive statements rendered me ineligible to speak in a climate that focuses on tolerance and diversity. Since they were unsuccessful, I thought I would give them a hand in the future.

With the help of a former College Republican President at Auburn University, I am planning to develop and market a new Mike Adams Action Figure. The figure will summarize my positions on various issues in my presidential campaign with the push of a button. It will also give liberals access to my most offensive statements as they try to cancel my speeches on campuses across the nation.

Some of the following statements will be included in my action figure’s repertoire once it’s on the shelves. I hope they entertain you as much as they offend the liberals:

“When I talk to liberals, I don’t expect them to understand my positions on various issues. I spend most of my time trying to help them understand their own.”

“It is time for those of us who are tired of the diversity movement to come up with our own definition of racism. Racism is best defined as a pathological tendency to interject race into situations where it is not relevant, merely for personal gain."

“Some people think I am opposed to the National Day of Silence. That isn’t true. There’s nothing like a day without homosexual whining. Right now, I’m trying to talk them into a Nation Year of Silence.”

"Self-pity and gratitude are mortal enemies. Where one exists the other cannot. Since both are highly contagious, individuals must choose gratitude before becoming too thankless to do otherwise."

“When I am hunting and I know I see a deer in the brush, I pull the trigger. When I know it is a human, I hold my fire. When I don’t know, I also hold my fire. The feminist who doesn’t know whether it a fetus is a person, has the abortion anyway. In other words, she just pulls the trigger. Nonetheless, feminists still feel they are morally superior to hunters.”

“Our college campuses have become the last safe haven of Marxists, largely because its adherents have never had to survive in the real world, much less in a communist dictatorship. Indeed, there are more communists teaching in the State of North Carolina than there are in the former Soviet Union.”

“Over the last couple of years, I’ve been tying to see things from a liberal perspective. Unfortunately, I can’t get my head that far up my ass. I guess it takes a lot of flexibility to be a liberal. It also takes a considerable lack of backbone.”

“Many of those who are unfit for any job besides that of a tenured professor would be unemployed and homeless if we abolished tenure tomorrow. Without tenure, these people would not be such an irritation at work, although they would probably be just as irritating as panhandlers once the unemployment checks ran out.”

“Marxism is an emotional disorder, not a political philosophy.”

“George W. Bush has done more for women’s rights than any president in modern history. But feminists hate him because he is opposed to abortion rights. Bill Clinton sexually harassed more women than any president in American history. But that’s okay. He supports abortion rights so feminists love him. If he were ever convicted of rape, feminists would still love him because he supports abortion rights.”

“A liberal once told me that I should abandon conservatism because it is degrading for an educated man to set such low standards for himself. I reminded him that I used to be a liberal. I simply told him ‘I’ve upped my standards, now up yours.’”

“Wealthy people sometimes accept Marxism, not because it has ever worked, but because they feel guilty about having more than other people. But, more often, it is accepted by those with less who are angry, usually because they lack the talent and drive to succeed in a capitalist society. This realization often occurs at a ten-year high school reunion after they see people with less schooling and fewer degrees but with more money than they have. They don't want to compete with these people. They just want the IRS take their wealth and redistribute it against their will under the threat of incarceration. They also like to call conservatives fascists."

“Men are fully capable of masturbating without taking a seminar. For men, it’s a natural talent. For campus feminists, it’s another excuse to seek funding from the university administration.”

“Bringing American professors to laughter is nearly as tough as bringing American feminists to orgasm. It’s a theoretical possibility that is seldom achieved without a workshop.”

“I think that many people who are pro choice are glad that they were born before 1973. Otherwise, they might not be able to make choices. I’m just glad my parents were pro-life.”

“I abandoned the Democratic party for a very simple reason: Republican women are simply more attractive than Democratic women.”

“Just remember that Jesus didn’t die on the cross for you to run from what is right. And war heroes didn’t die on the battlefield for you to cower away while this country is destroyed.”

“Feminists often justify abortion by saying that the procedure is no different than picking a scab. That’s when I start asking questions. I often ask feminists about a film I saw of a fetus in the so-called first trimester of development. The baby was yawning, rubbing its eyes, and even rolling around and playing in the womb. I like to ask feminists whether they have ever seen a scab yawn.”

“If a feminist needs a workshop to learn how to masturbate, it is safe to conclude that she is really uptight.”

“If you are easily offended by free speech on campus, I have just the solution: Get the hell out of college.”

“I do not believe that surgically applying a breast to a man’s chest can make him a woman any more than surgically applying a horn to a man’s forehead can make him a unicorn.”

“Like Marxism, liberalism is not really a political philosophy. Instead, it is a state of arrested emotional development. It is a way of thinking, which leads to no place in the real world. It is a place existing only in the imagination.”

“Standing up against that which is wrong invariably means you will take on a lot of angry people. If you cannot do it with a sense of humor, you are less likely to prevail.”

Mike S. Adams (www.DrAdams.org) will speak at The University of Oregon on May 16th. If someone throws a pie, he plans to get the duck out of there.