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Yep, I am up. Just checked my sugar and it is 196. Last night, I hadn't eaten anything but 2 slices of pizza around 10 or so. I wonder if that is it or just the stress I am feeling? I have said my piece about the comments in my blog in another entry yesterday. I consider the episode closed. I never expect everyone to agree with what I write but I do believe it is not what you say but how you say it. Anyhoo..I have a doctor's appointment at 1 and it doesn't look like they cancelled this time. I guess I may have something to report later. More than likely I will be bitching about tests he'll probably want me to get done.

Tendai-- Damn, girl, I knew it was fucked up over there but I didn't really know to what degree. Hell, if the tyrant took over the country using guns. Why can't someone do the same thing and take the country back? I know there is a lot of politics going on, I am just spouting off. Kind of reminds me of the things going on with Cuba. I am surprised you are still there. I think I would've left a long time ago.

Betty--- I use to watch The Wire in the beginning then I stopped. I think it was around the time that they were hustling out of the projects and Stringer was running things. I wouldn't mind seeing it from the beginning, BET is showing it but I am not interested because all the cussing is left out, the good stuff....lol..About the fried corn, I make it in a skillet with some butter. I am not sure how your friend does it. You can use any type of corn, meaning fresh or frozen. Do you like asparagus? You should try that lightly fried in some olive oil with just salt and pepper....Yum!!!!

Mum--- I know what you mean about dreading going to the ER and sitting for hours for them to tell you what you already know. I usually wait til the last minute too. Hopefully they will give you some strong stuff to knock it out. Hubby may have to run the house for today and you rest up.

Dragonette--- If I haven't said it already, Congrats on the ring and being engaged. You watch The Tudors, so now I have someone to dish with about that. Have you been watching it? I feel so bad for Queen Katherine. And now I was tripping on how disappointed Henry and Anne both were because they didn't have a boy. I am wondering if the girl was Elizabeth. I don't recall hearing about any others in history or did Henry chop of her head before she could have any more? I can't wait to see when the series leads up to that. Have you noticed in the previews that they keep showing Anne in bed with Thomas Wyatt? Hmmmm..... I could go on for days. And it sounds like your Mom needs a new friend!!!!

Wini--- Yeah, girl, I was checking out that pool too. Though, I do not like swimming and really can't attempt it since I wear hearing aids. But I would definitely be by it tanning... Or maybe a few friends over for a pool party. I like your nails too. My son never did take me to get mine done, the little runt!!! He is short like me..*tee hee* But he looks like his Dad. All his father's sons do. I say all because his father has close to 20 kids and mine made number 10 on the hit parade....Must be something with that number, my son's bday is 10-10 too. Wonder if that means anything? Probably not. I hope Billy gets better soon.

I know I have missed some people, forgive me but I am on limited time since I have to get ready for the appointment soon. I'm going to finish watching Divorce Court and then try to get motivated. Be back later.

Good morning Ladies. Not much going on here, waiting to go to a afternoon appointment. Dragonette, congratulations on officially getting engaged. I'm sure you will be very happy. Win, I did forget to set the date on the camera but we took those pictures Saturday. I guess I'm just being hopeful for the future. Betty, glad you had fun at the NA function. Lots of good food. I have never had fried corn. Sounds interesting. I love BBQ ribs. ML, I make my own chicken salad with Cranberry relish. It's so good. Thanks for the compliment, I just look like me. I think I will post a picture of my little man cause I took the other pictures down. Welcome Pink. Minismum, hope you feel better and get taken care of at the doctor's. Snow, love the tat. That's on your shoulder? Wow, you must be really flexible. Tendai, hope things improve where you are at. Camms, tell Spencer to fuck off!!!! You are a beautiful and wonderful person and he should be ashamed of himself for treating you badly. Anybody I forgot, hope all is well. Later, Cristy edited to remove photo

Hey There!! I finally got here!! This is my first time so I'll be checking the many topics of the forums and will make myself known to everyone....thanks so much for letting me know about the site...I feel as though we are going to have a good time here...also how are things? I guess I will hear from you more now since this is a place where we can chat and feel comfortable...until I hear from you again....Always, Mimi

Alrighty ladies, the good news is I'm alive. The bad news is that I have an ear infection and some pretty nasty bronchitus. The doctor was a JERK, but the nurse was really sweet. I went to Quick Care, not the ER. QC charges $60 before I ever see a doctor, then I'll get a bill later for whatever tests and stuff were run. Luckily, no extra tests were done, so the initial $60 should cover the whole bill. I was put on Zythromax and a steroid pack. The Zythromax was only $4, but the steroids were $45 - YIKES!! I also got some yogurt (YIK!) in hopes of staying off a yeast infection. The coughing isn't better, but I can only hope that all the drugs do something. I'm really tired, no sleep last night, so I'm going to hop in bed while the kids are napping.

Sorry I didn't get to everyone, I'll try again later tonight when my brain isn't so foggy. Love to you all!

Queen, so sorry to disappoint, but I have only watched the Tudors twice or 3 times, and I have a crap memory for TV and movies. I can watch the same thing a week later and its a blank. I just have an impression of all these beautiful people making out... yep that's it. I did watch Elizabeth but ages ago when it came out, at a cinema. I'll check your new blog entry soon.

Betty, I can't watch the Wire, tried on youtube but I have no idea what they're saying without subtitles.I could never hypnotize anyone unless they were tripping already, nor would I want to. You know where I come from some primitive people might try to cast a spell or whatever on a guy, I have heard of putting period blood in a guys drink or food to make him enamoured. I mean, no one in my circle would even think of that but there are people who would do it, there are people who would do far crazier shit actually. Anyway if I ever have special powers I can't see myself using them. But you gave me a good idea for a story...Good on ya for getting on the wagon again so quickly re the smoking.

I had a meeting with the social worker, BF was there too. I complained about the seating arrangements in the ID unit (aka the aquarium). There is no probelm at the lab actually cos that's where all patients mix, but when we wait for out appointments they put us in a corner with the sign "infectious diseases" hovering above us, away from all the other patients and in full view of anyone going about their business in the main hospital corridor. I was like why don't you put a big sign "HIV/AIDS" and have us all queue at the entrance where we can be more visible still? turns out I am not the only one to complain but the reason is that the 3 secretaries are all hearing impared and want to be in a corner apart where they can hear. I respect that but as people with disabilities they should understand that we have issues too, to cause 600 patients to feel uncomfortable b/c of 3 secretaries, well... besides she agreed that people think we're isolated b/c we are "infectious", even those who dont know that ID=HIV.

I hope you don't get me wrong,I think it's great that the hospital employs people who are hearing impaired but unfortunately when its the convenience of staff vs. patients staff always wins.

Otherwise we talked about having a baby, what it would be like here for us, as foreigners without a support system and in my case without benefits such as maternity leave or unemployment when I finish my contract. I hope to meet some poz mums and single mums if I ever get pregnant so we can support each other.

Cristy Robert is a cute little guy... you have the same hair now.

Mom, feel better soon.

Tendai am keeping fingers crossed and eyes and ears on the news.

Viv, good luck with the ID doc search.

Cindy, good luck with the accounting. It will be such a breeze when they finally get the new (or any) software.

I'll be working a lot next week and the following weeks, after meeting my boss I have a couple extra things to get into, will try not to post too much, but will be reading.

Just want to say thanks for all the congratulations, it means a lot.Have a great week everyone, Hugs,

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I am back from the doctor's. I can't really say it was a bad appointment but we really had a talk. The examination part was over in about 10 minutes and the next half we just spent talking about things. I asked him if it would be ok for me physically to start a PT job. His reply: Maybe for a little while, depending on how my body would react to the work after not working for so long and that working may mess up my medical coverage. But he understood that the system is not always the most helpful.

I weighed in at 178... I don't know where the hell that came from but it is the weight I have gained since last July. Eh, not complaining, I just need to work out. I tried to get him to give me the Chantix but once again I was denied. He says in order to take that I would have to stop smoking the green which he knows I smoke to help me eat and since he can't give me Megace because I am on the depo shot. Catch 22. Same goes for the nicotine patch. He scolded me because I stopped taking the Celexa again but is amazed that I have not had another bout with depression. He begged me to start it tomorrow so I will. But he praised me for being proactive about my health considering the major health problems that I have. And he is actually amazed that I am doing as well as I am.

He wrote a script for me to get a scan taken of my tummy and to get blood work done. It's better than getting a scope up my ass. Uh, that is not the only way to see my tummy right? He thinks the problem is with my extra set of ribs because I am not having problems moving my bowels and he felt the lumps which only can be noticed when I am standing,not laying or sitting up like I am doing now.

He also suggested that I seek therapy which I explained the fiasco with that but told him I am doing my own therapy by blogging here. He seemed happy with that and also suggested meditation which I thought was weird coming from a doctor.

My clinic nurse, Leah got in contact with someone named Robin from somewhere who will now be shipping me all my meds so there will no longer be any co-pays with any of my meds. I am happy about that. I guess not really a bad visit at all and I turned my doctor into a therapist for a day. I wonder if he noticed?

How is everyone doing. I've been busy busy busy with the wedding stuff. I have like 3 weeks until the day. I have been tired as hell. Between that and this bitching ass female in my group in class I have been losing my mind.

MiMi- I see you finally joined us. I have been looking for you on here. Welcomed.

To all my other girlfriends know that I love each and everyone of you.

I'm here, but still not feeling up to par. Hubby took the kids to dance class - I mean ALL the kids, too, not just the 2 who actually have class. I'll miss my dance class. I'm bummed about that, but I have GOT to rest and feel better. I'm taking 8 pills today, 7 tomorrow, on down to 1 pill on day 6. Most of those are steroids. I was hoping they'd give me back my appetite, but they haven't, at least not as much as prednisone did. In fact, it has the opposite effect - I don't feel like eating anything. My blood sugar hit rock bottom yesterday and my hands were shaking before I realized that I hadn't eatten. My chest is so sore from coughing and my head is foggy from being sleep deprived. But, Hubby says I look better. Ok, whatever .

Just wanted to give an update. Not sure I'll be on tomorrow, but not to worry. Hubby has clients and I'll have all the kids for school. Tomorrow night, #2 has a scrimmage baseball game. I'm hoping to feel good enough for all of us to go. Saturday is opening day - I'm very excited for my boys! I'll have to take pictures of them in their uniforms and post them. I have pictures of Mini's new haircut, but i don't know how to download them. As soon as Hubby gets it done, i'll post them for you to see. She looks so old

Ok, I'm going to lay back down on the couch. If I miss you all tomorrow, know that I'm thinking about each one of you and loving you all the same

Hi Ladies,I'm still alive! I haven't felt like posting, been in a funk. i got stood up on a date with my navy man James , but its all good we did talk and he sys he's tired from all the traveling. I decided not to worry about dating anyone right now. i just miss having a man in my life, sometimes, I am still glad i'm single cause I don't have to put up with any mans shit! lol. so i am counting my blessings. I think i have resigned to the fact i will probably be alone the rest of my life.Sooo i have to plan to make myself happy.i have a plan,i have a little money coming to me from a law suite, soon, and I think i will probably move here to Virginia beach, still worried about missing the grands, and my daughter so I'm not sure, but I LOVE IT HERE !!! the ocean, my best friend is here and I would be closer to my twin sister , whom I visit often in New jersey, my mom and my son who live in New york. the housing here is much nicer than where I am in Macon Ga. i can transfer my housing voucher, so housing won't be a problem. I don't know what to do either way i will be traveling a lot, but my grand kids don't want me to move, that's why I'm undecided.I guess I'll just wait and see. hope all are well .

My ankle still hurts somewhat but I am walking better. I just want to say hello and I love all of you. Welcome to the new ladies Pink and Mimi1965Wendy i love ur nails what are they?? also i want to get a Tattoo, does my hiv status have any bearing on this?Drag-CongratsQueen -Hope all is well, U have been really going through some shit, but u always come forth still a QUEEN !Tendai- I am praying for you.Minsmom, Moon, Snow,Wendy, Wishful, Keeping, Betty , CJ and German girl. ..Shout out to ya!!!

Queen, it sounds like you had a really good visit at your doc's. Isn't that nice when that happens? Don't worry about your weight too much. I didn't know you would be giving up weed when you took Chantix. Nothing bad happens if you smoke while on Chantix. It only blocks nicotine receptors in the brain. I wouldn't wear a patch and smoke weed though. I only smoked a few cigarettes while wearing the patch once, and I puked up nicotine. That asparagus sounds really good. I love asparagus. The only thing about that is I have no bottom teeth (nor a plate either), so things like that have to be tender. I will be checking out your blog. I like your new avvy also. When will you be getting your tummy scanned?

Cristy, Robert is an angel. He does look like you. How's the waitressing going?

Mum, thank God you got to the doctor when you did. I really hope you start feeling good soon. I didn't know you had a problem with your sugars. Good luck to your boys on their upcoming games.

Drag, good luck with all the upcoming work and just check in when you can.

German and Wish, thanks for popping in. Post more when you all can.

Keeping, only three weeks, eh? Are you nervous?

Netta, you know, I try to consider all sides before making a major decision. But, also, we have to do what's best for us. I know you'll make the right decision. As far as getting a tattoo goes, places where I live will give someone a tattoo if the person is HIV+. In fact, all mine have been done since my diagnosis in 1989. But be warned-they are addictive. Once you get one, you gotta get another one. That's the way it was with me. I'm glad your ankle is healing, however slowly.

I'm still not smoking (today anyway). Meijer's has a sale this week on nicotine patches-buy 1 get 1 free (boxes). So, I got a couple. My Medicare Part D insurance used to cover them until Chantix came out; then they stopped. They're really no more expensive than what cigarettes cost me. I didn't do my report today; I did go to the library though and got the books. I slept this afternoon for 2 1/2 hours. I really haven't been sleeping well at night, so I guess I needed it. The weather here was beautiful today. And it's supposed to get better during the week. Oh. I also got a Brita pitcher today. My bff's mother has a fit about all the plastic that goes into the landfills. And, it's cheaper than buying bottled water all the time. Nothing else to report. Have a good evening ladies.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I'm just checking in real quick. I'll read more detail on ya'lls post later. Welcome to the club Mimi. I spent the evening at the VA emergency room with Billy <my sweetie> They sent him home after Xraying his side saying he only had a sprain. He got no sleep at all last night really. In too much pain. Anywho they called us back this morning and told us to come back, he has three broken ribs. So we spent the day at the VA hospital again. We just got home and I'm beat and he is beat.

Click on the picture below to view the slide show of our road trip to Houston if you'd like.

I am in a BAD funk, and this is not like me at all. Its all stemming from being driven like a fucking horse at work and I can't stand it. We had a new HR lady start today and the consultant who took all of our job descriptions in March was there, too. She asked how I was doing, in the lunch room, in front of the three owners of the company. I just "looked" at her and she knew. I HAD to keep my mouth shut or I would go into a bitching RANT, FFS.

She came over to me a moment later as I was making my sandwich and whispered, "Hang in there, your position is one of the first ones that (HR Lady) and I are looking at." I said "Thank God cause I can't take much more of this." The only reason I was in the kitchen was cause my sugar was at 69.

I crashed and burned hard tonight, GFs. I apologize for just talking about myself, but I was trying to cry myself to sleep earlier.....and here I am at the damn computer. Iceman has been extremely busy and hasn't had much time, either. I know he'll come around, its just that we didn't even talk today until the evening and he didn't return a text bec he was training new employees. I was busy as hell (who knew bookkeeping could be an aerobic activity?) but still it would have helped me through my day some. I was very nice to everyone at the office, a handful of coworkers have complimented me over and over again on how well I do my job, but......

I think my boss is threatened by me. And Oh yes, HR Lady threw out the word "paperless" (as in workplace) today when we met her. I didn't crack a big smile ( I was containing my excitement BIG time ), but I was so glad to hear that.

Things will change, I just have to be patient. HR Lady is a BIG PLUS to this company.

I am sick of being bent over like everyone's bitch while they take smoke breaks, socialize and leave early cause their work is done.

Oh you just WAIT.

*****big heavy sigh****

Thanks for the chuckles, Tendai with the "spinning" and Mum with getting her money's worth if she had pneumonia, lol. I needed that.

Pray for me Gfs, pray HARD cause I am so weak and tired right now.

Snow, I'm wearing that necklace proudly.

And did I tell you I got ALL OF MY WORK DONE? Tax crap and everything?

Nuff said, I need some sleep. Sheesh.

~ Cindy

2am ~ Sugar has crashed to 49, that's cause I didn't have any TIME to snack tonight when I got home! LOL I'm raiding the fridge now with Cheech. Poor dog, I gave him a "haircut " this past weekend. With the kitchen scissors. Its for his own good. Really.

Cin, hun, you just hang in there. It sounds like soon you might get computers, am I reading that right? That would be nice. I remember when I was a medical transcriptionist; the 2nd place I worked, I started out on a typewriter and was so happy when they went to computers. I hope your sugars are better. I can't stand the feeling of extremely low blood sugars. I don't know which one I like less-the highs or lows.

Wendy, I enjoyed your road trip pictures. I wish I had the skills with the photography and all that.

Today I'm going to do my report, I've resolved myself to that. I went through the books last night that I got at the library for highlights I can include in the report. Really nothing more to report right now. It's supposed to be 60 here today and sunny. It's almost time for tank tops. I'll be back.

Logged

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Win- Sorry to hear about Billy's ribs, thank goodness they checked the film. Thanks for sharing your roadtrip pictures! You look like you are so much fun to be around I love the expressions.

Queen- Did you hear anything back about the house? That is good that your meds will be shipped to you from now on, really good.

Betty- Sounds like you are having a beautiful day there, it is sunny here but still cold Good luck doing your report. I always had a hard time putting things in my own words when I had to do those things.

Welcome Mimi!!!

Moon- Sorry things are so rough at work, you guys don't use computers at all? Good lord, no wonder you are stressed. It took me awhile cuz I suck at texting but does FFS mean" for fucking sure"? I will keep you and Tendai in my prayers.

Ten- 30 million for a cab ride??? I am going to google the conversion, that just sounds crazy! I have only been in a cab once when I went to Boston and it was a ride from hell. I hope you guys have some good news over there soon, the not knowing would drive me crazy!

Keeping- The countdown is on! Did you get any of the stuff you ordered yet?

Wish-How is work going? Did you have a good weekend?

Drag- Glad you got that stuff off your chest with the social worker! I hope you can find some other poz moms in your area when the time comes. I have been looking in my area and haven't had much luck. That is why I love all you guys so much!!!

Mum- Glad to hear you are feeling better!

Netta- Sorry you didn't get a visit but at least you talked, it wasn't a total blow off. Sit down and write a list of all the pros and cons of moving ,keeping in mind what is best for you. Your daughter can always come and visit with your grandbabies. If she doesn't have one, buy your daughter a digital camera before you leave so she can send you pics of the kids. I got mine at Target for $30 bucks cuz it was the last one, you can always find bargains

Since my Mom stayed over Sunday, my SO and I went to the casino in CT. We got there at about 11:30 and didn't leave till 6 am. When we got home I had to get the kids up and to school and I went to a few stores and out to breakfast with my Mom. In the afternoon, I had to help my lady friend, so needless to say "I WAS EXHAUSTED" I went to bed last night at 7:30 and I feel human again today My lady friend smokes and she asked me to get her some cigs before I came over and I got carded LOL! I gave my mother a look when the clerk asked for my license and my Mom says they must have to card people under 40 and then the clerk said she thought I was in my 20's, I told her I loved her

Cindy, hang in there, and stop killing yourself at work, pls. Just let them see that the accounts are late, why? b/c only one person is working on them in the conditions of the 1950's maybe? Hope HR gets to you asap.

Keeping good luck with the wedding it will be worth all the hassle in the end.

Mimi welcome!

Queen sometimes I forget what a collection of health problems people here deal with, just diabetis is fulltime. I'm glad you had some nice results of going to the doctor. He sounds like a great and down to earth guy.

Win nice roadtrip. Looks like summer over there. WTF how could they not diagnose the fructures in the x-ray? poor Billy.

Snow an all-nighter at the casino? wow if I have to miss half the night cos of flying or whatever I am dead the next day. I guess you've become resilient thru all the babies.

Betty good luck with your report. Can you come and do mine when you're done? I promise to cook for you.

Netta how's the ankle doing? Maybe your grandkids will enjoy spending time at the beach once they're a bit older. Moving away it tough. I'm 10 hours travel from my family and that's tough, I dont see them as much as Id like at all.

its my turn to crash & burn today... i dont even know why its a combo of things. last night i had a mini fight with the BF, over HIV no less. we were watching a DVD of this movie by Spike Lee, "She Hate Me". The main characters is working for a pharmaceutical company that is making an AIDS vaccine but they cheat with the data and other stuff and he gets in huge trouble with them, so he got fired and in financial trouble so he begins to sell sperm to lesbians who don't want an annonymous. So he gets exposed by his former pharma boss and she says "be careful". And my BF was like "oh!". Im like "oh what", and he says "they're going to send a HIV positive woman to infect him". I was so shocked that after 2 years with me he could think of something like that, that a) they would use a poz person as a weapon and b) that a woman could potentially infect a man in 1 time of unprotected sex. I got so depressed over the stigma being so deep, and I told him you must never tell your family about me. And he was like well if I told them they would be very very scared and I would tell them to go speak to a doctor. I said yeah great why dont they go speak to some old doctor in their village who hasnt been updated on HIV since the 80s. And he was like well if they cant talk to their doctor who can they talk to? I got so depressed I just had the idea of the whole family and his hysterical sister running to a doctor to discuss whether I was "potential risk" to the precious nephew. And he is putting pressure on me to move to Spain eventually when we are done here and that is the last thing I want, not b/c of Spain, b/c of his family!

So we didnt actually fight I mean I cant be angry if that thing with the movie was his immediate association and anyway he apologised, but I got depressed. and then today was another hospital appt, this time for my jaws b/c I am gridning them and ruining my teeth, and I had to wait for 2 hours, and at some point the nice doctor kind of stabbed me in the gums with the frame they use to take a cast of your teeth, it was not horrible but I just started crying and I think he was quite alarmed. Then I went to work but couldnt work, my boss has so many ambitious projects lined up for us which will be good for my CV and finding the next job, I mean it is a good thing, but I am just paralized and not even being able to do my little bit to get there. So I wasted the whole day online working very slowly. I made the mistake of reading the current issue of POZ with this 50 yr old woman on the cover who after decades of drug abuse and 20 something years of HIV and hep C looks like some 30 year old glamour model. I couldnt beleive she looked like that I thought she must be photoshoped to death so I looked her up on youtube and she does totally look like that but with a huge push-up cleavage almost down to her navel to top it all off, and she was talking cheerfully about HIV like it was the hypest thing around, and acting like some celebrity like really really flamboyant, and it just doesnt add up at all. I am not saying that poz people should only and purposefully appear sick and dying and miserable of course the truth is more complex than that but if the people who are the public faces of HIV are as glamorous as any celebrity how to we expect to have any support when it looks like we are partying on the meds and celebrating. This may sound like criticism but I am depressed actually. I feel like the little kid who is still learning about the big business of this disease and how little it has to do with the reality.

Well slightly breathless but feeling better after this. It's too early for PMS. I'll chalk it up to spring fever.

Hope youre doing better than me today...

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I am a bit miffed. I went to the job interview and come to find out that the guy who wanted me to come in for the job has gone to jail!!!! WTF? I guess over something that happened last year. So the other guy at the store looks at me with this dumb expression on his face. He takes my info and runs a copy of it, that was pretty much it. I asked if the guy had discussed hiring me with anyone else and the guy says no. I guess that is the hood for you. I guess I won't be getting the job after all. And to make things worse, I didn't get the house either, it seems that my landlord lost the bid for the house. I am trying to keep my head up and all but it's kind of hard when I am trying to do the right thing and stuff just ends up blowing up in my face.

I just tested my sugar and it is 252 and I haven't eaten anything since last night when I cooked dinner. I had discussed the high fasting sugars with my doc yesterday and he said I should stop eating anything after midnight. Which is what I did last night so I really don't understand why it is so high. While writing this, I got a call from my doctor's and I am scheduled for the tummy scan on Monday at 2:30 and can't eat or drink anything 4 hours before getting the scan.

I am a little frustrated with my son as well. He has had a fine since last summer which he could've paid off at the DJ(district justice) making payment plans. He bullshitted paying that so the DJ turned it over to juvenile probation and he has to pay the whole thing now. I have been telling him to do it since he has had the money 3 times to pay the fine. After talking to him yesterday, he doesn't want to pay the fine or do community service if he doesn't pay the fine. The probation officer called me yesterday because he thought our appointment was then but I corrected him and told him, he had made it for the 21st. I also explained to him that my son has had the money and he said that if he doesn't pay the fine or do community service that my son will get locked up. I explained all this to my son and he would rather get locked up which makes no sense to me at all. He thinks he will be locked up for a few weeks til it gets paid off that way. What I didn't tell my son is that the probation officer said that if he doesn't do the community service they will tack time on him being locked up. It seem that my son has this glamourous idea about being locked up. I told him it's not cracked up to how the rappers on BET make it seem like in their videos. But it seems he has his mind made up, nothing I can really do about it so I guess when we go see the probation officer on Monday, he is going to be asked to be locked up. I guess if that is what he wants so be it....

I felt much empathy when I read what you said Drag about how your BF reacted to the film - I understand why it upset you - is he HIV neg by the way?

But on the other hand the fact that you - and everyone else I have spoken - to seems to think it is pretty impossible to acquire HIV from just one encounter with a woman, this is upsetting to me now too!!!!!!

As my husband swears he has only ever had sex with another woman, apart from me, on one occasion i.e about 6 to 10 years ago in Brazil - he is not sure he says exactly when it was!And he wore a condom but lost his erection as he realised half way through it was a big mistake so it came off - and this is how he got HIV!!!

But given that I have heard of many people that have neg partners who even with no protection and sex many times more than once, who have never got HIV, and that everyone says it would be very rare to have got HIV from only one encounter ..............CAN I BELEVE HIM?

It is very important to me that he is telling the truth - as I have been with him a long time and have been totally faithful for about 25 years and until I found he had HIV thought he was faithful to me!!!!

So it has been a shock to know he had sex without telling me with someone else at all !!! But if he is lying and he has done it more than once and is not telling me, this is awful! How can I ever mend the lost trust I thought we had that i valued so much!!!

WHAT DO I DO!!

I love him, he is very unwell and may die - but if he is lying even now we both have HIV and he is ill - how can I possibly cope with this.

Is it impossible for him to have got HIV from just one encounter in 25 years? Am I being totlay naive to believe him when he says he did?

I do not really care if he did not and had sex with others multiple times - the thing I can not take is that even now when he nearly died a month ago and still may - that he may be lying to me still!!

As for arguments and crashing and burning - Well it must be the time of the yearBut I really burnt up and then crashed last nightSo did my whole family

Had a terrible row with my daughter who walked out - it is a long story but she is only 18 but has somewhere alternative to live as well as with us and if she gets angry with me instead of resolving it she walks out and stays there so nothing ever gets resolved with her - and she can and dose stay away for months - so it can take months to mend things again with her.

But she never gets angry with her dad - she loves him unconditionally ( even though he brought HIV to our lives and I have done nothing for all theses years but be a faithful wife and as good a mother to her as I could be even though I was on my own a lot of the time)

And the argument only happened because she has been rude, disrespectful, impolite, snapped my head off for at least an entire week if I so much as politely asked how her day had been and has not actually talked to me for about 7 days.

So this means she is angry with me , but unlike me who it straight and tells people when I am angry with them - both she and my husband do not - if they are angry, they sulk, do not talk to me and are rude when I try to talk to them.

But because I do not sulk and do not understand sulking it can take days for me to realise that are angry with me and in the meantime I get hurt by what is happening, worry that it is me imagining that they are angry as they are not actually telling me they are, and by the time I work it out that they are angry with me I am so upset and confused that I lose it and they them blame me and say the entire problem is me!!!!

Happens all the time

It started with my daughter sulking at me and being rude but now my husband is angry with me because I lost it with her and because I lost it big time so now he is saying 'what is the point!!!!' might as well stop taking the meds and die!!! ( he is and has been pretty ill and if he stopped taking the meds he probably would die, he has also been told because of the state of his lungs he will die if he smokes, but because he is angry has just gone out to get some cigs - always does this if i upset him)

Basically he is now in a big sulk too - so both of them are sulking and it will take weeks for them to stop!!

So I am left feeling I am the worse person in the world and everything is my fault for not holding it together .........

and this only started because my daughter holds me to ransom by threatening to leave and indeed leaving if I do anything she does not like ( and also if I do not tolerate the fact she does not clean up after herself or her room , wash up, cook, wash her clothes or in face do anything to help and indeed makes a mess constantly and neither of us are well)

And because - apparently - i did something to upset/anger her about 2 weeks ago so she has been getting at me ever since - but I have no idea what as she never tells you!!!!!!God it sounds so childish

And it is and I am chidish

I am a 55 year old child is how I feel - and I too now feel I want to crawl away and die - I am due to get my meds tomorrow but now do not want to bother either if both the only people I care for are so angry and are going to sulk for months!!! Like my husband says - what it the F******* point!!!

I feel my husband may only have a year or too to live, if that.

I hope and pray I am wrong but I really think he will not live for that many years, he just is so thin, so wasted, so ill looking and is ill - and I just do not want to waste our time in anger and sulks

All I wanted now we both have HIV was a year or two of the family life with the three of us that we have never been able to have because as he has been a seaman working away on a ship for up to 8 months a year, we have never really been a family or had a 'normal' family life - whatever normal is!!!

Ironically due to HIV he will NEVER go away to sea again and while this is an awful situation to be in at least I felt we now had a change of a couple of years at least as a family...........and for about a month it went OK .............and despite being newly diagnosed with HIV and all the other difficulties on one level I was so very happy that I had both my husband and our daughter back and at home with me and we were finally a family.

Last night this was shattered - she walked out saying she would not be back - she may be of course but it may will not be for months as she is very stubborn and when she last walked out like this at 16 she ddi not come home for nearly a year!!!!!!

And he is saying he wants to die and their is no point and is basically angry and sulking too!!

Yet all I did was lose it - and for me it does not last long - I lose it and shout and get angry but for me it is then over............but both my husband and my daughter will carry anger on for weeks and months and blame me that it happend at all, even when they started it .

Veritee-I am sorry to hear that you are in such a tough spot right now BUT it sounds like your husband and daughter are the ones acting like kids. Relationships require lots of communication and you are doing the right thing by verbalizing when someone or something has upset you. I know from experience when you tell someone something they don't want to hear or they don't agree with instead of talking it out people tend to get angry and act out. You have no control over this. Either way, right now, you would be on pins and needles. If you hadn't said anything your daughter would still be disrespecting you and acting out and you would still be miserable. I think you did the best thing you could have done. Your husband and your daughter need to realize that you are a person too and that deserve everything they think they do BUT most of all, love and respect. You have a lot on your plate right now and you need to start worrying about you, your health, your well being. Try to write everything down as you do here and then sit down with your hubby and have a heart to heart. Maybe if you tell him that after reading up on HIV, you know that it is almost impossible to have gotten sick after one time and so you were wondering if thier was something else he wanted to tell you. Let him know that you still love him and still care for him but you need to know the truth. Just be prepared to hear anything. Whatever you do, don't stop taking care of you, you are a wonderful and caring person, just go to your blog and read some of your comments or think about some of the women you have helped in the past. You deserve to have a happy and fullfilling life just like everyone else. Just because you have HIV does not change that in any way. It sounds like you are a great mother and your daughter will realize that some day, if she doesn't that is her loss. Explain how you feel to your husband and maybe since they are close, he can talk some sense into her.Good luck, keep your head up Snow

I am sorry to hear you going through so much drama with your family. I don't think it is fair the way they are treating you. And if you daughter wants to be selfish and childish, choose to pout and walk out then I would say let her. But that is just me and at the moment, I am not in a very good place so you may not want to consider my advice, just saying....

I also think it is selfish of your hubby to do the same thing then want to put you through a guilt trip because he is acting childish. Now he wants to go out and do things that he knows is not good for him to spite you. But he is the one who infected you!!! He has some balls no matter how much he may be wasting. Sorry had to say it. Now on the thing about just having one encounter and being infected, well, I have been told here and by my doctor that it is harder for a woman to infect a man with hiv than vice versa. But I am sure someone here will have more information for you on that one. As for believing he only cheated on you once,hmmm, only him, God/Goddess and the chick he was with knows the truth for sure. I can't say one way or the other. He could've only been with the one female he says infected him but had many encounters with her. And I am just assuming from what he is telling you. It is up to you whether you want to believe him or not.

Being that you are doing so much to be proactive with the women in your community with your website and stuff, I truly hope that you will try to go on and get those meds. You can't live for your child, believe me, I had to give my son some tough love on things, or your husband, you have to live for you. Being that your husband is in a bad way about now maybe he is not in his right mind, not to say he is crazy but I am sure this is all doing a number on him too, still no excuse to put you through a guilt trip considering he infected you. You can be there for him and try to support him but at the same time do not put up with his mental abuse which is what it sounds like to me, correct me if I am wrong. But as I have said earlier, I am not in a good place right now so you can ignore what I am saying or think about it. I will be praying for you and I hope you decide to get the meds and LIVE.

Drag- I had to go read that article before I could reply. I am quite sure that women would not look like that if she was not in the public eye. It is really sad, that we as a society put so much effort into our looks, no matter what it takes, starving ourselves, nipping and tucking. Sorry you had a fight with your fiance, it is good in some ways that you guys are talking about all these things now. Don't worry about crying, you might be just going through a phase, things will get better soon, try not to be so hard on yourself.

Ten- Did I do this right? The Zimbabwe dollar 30,001.64 equals 1 US dollar? Does that mean you pay about $167.00 to take a cab ride? I hope not!!!

My new doc is wonderful and I will promptly cancel my upcoming appt with old bitch doc tomorrow.

I went to the cemetery across the street from new docs and a nice landscaper helped me find my Grandparents. I knelt and cried, talking to them, but I was smiling and joking the entire time.

I must be insane.

I am going to watch The Biggest Loser Finale and eat everything I can get my hands on. Ha!

I'll reply this weekend when I have time. Ice is glued to the TV as the Caps are in the Stanley Cup finals, so I am taking a backseat to sports. I really need him right now, but it IS an Iceman weekend. He can make it up to me then.

Snow, you went to a casino all night, then got your kids ready for school, then went out with your mum for lunch? Wow. That sounds like what I used to be able to do. I think I'm getting old. But, if I could do those things, I probably would.

Drag, alot of people pictured on or in Poz all look like athletes/models etc. I'm not sure why they don't show more real-life pictures of people who have had AIDS for a long time and don't have all the money for this cosmetic nonsense. I don't blame you for not wanting your fiance's family to find out. When my 2nd husband told his mum and grandmother about me, his grandmother said 'she's a whore-she deserves it.' But she was a bitter old woman anyway and died a horrible death. Are there no better doctors they could talk to if he does want to tell them? Emotions are so draining, aren't they. Sometimes worse than physical problems. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Queen, wow. I am so, so sorry the job/house things didn't work out. You are one strong woman. You're faced with so many obstacles, yet you always seem to hold it together. It might be just as well that the job thing didn't work out. When I worked for a month & 1/2 last year, I lost food stamps for a month, and my caseworker said that if I continued working, my spendown (which is already $130/month) for Medicaid would go up-way up. Although she didn't say how much it would be. And I've heard from others on disability that when one works, even though the amount is kept under what one can make on disability, they get reviewed more often, which could mean social security would cut them off anytime. It just doesn't seem to be too feasible to work, sorry to say.

Veritee, your daughter sounds very selfish. She should be more mature and realize that you're sick as well and don't need all the emotional stress. I agree with Queen about your husband; he's acting extremely childish. If he wants to get cigs despite what the doctors tell him, that's his choice. About him being with a woman once, well, there's always a chance that someone could get infected from just one time. It is harder for females to transmit HIV to males, but it does happen. I don't really know what to advise you on this; it's up to what you can live with. I wouldn't feel one bit sorry for being upset. You're not being childish. We need to stand up for ourselves. Just think of all the other women you have helped/can help and keep your chin up. Please get those meds and live.

Cin, I know you're looking forward to this weekend.

Well, I got 1/2 the report done today. I got to the part where I'm telling Matthew Shepard's story, got 1/2 way through, and had to stop. It was too emotionally draining. Some of you may remember, last year a group of us in the GLBT community tried to get anti-discrimination laws (for us) written into the employment codes in this county. Of course, the city council didn't pass it since I live in such a conservative area. I also received, after that, a hate letter from a woman in one of the local Catholic churches, basically telling me to 'repent' while I still had time.

I also didn't go to class tonight. I started to run a fever this afternoon (100), my lower abdominal area has been having terrible cramps, diarrhea etc. This is probably some virus, but I just didn't feel like going to class. I've had two naps today, both over 2 hours. Which is unusual for me. So, I'm just staying in resting tonight. The Cubs are playing and I'll be watching them in a few minutes. I also don't want to possibly pass someone a virus, another reason for staying home. Nothing was due tonight, otherwise I would have gone.

Well ladies, I hope those of you having a bad time have better days ahead. Please take care of yourselves.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Betty – LOL a lot of those pictures where taken while I was going 75 mph or more. I hope your tummy feels better soon.

Snow, Drag– Thank you. Poor dear he just had no luck this go around with people reading his x-rays. We got the films and took them home with us. You can clearly see three complete breaks in his lower rib cage. Who ever was looking before did a piss poor job. But then again one set of x-rays where at Primacare and the others where at the VA. Fortunately someone with eyes looked at them the next day and was nice enough to call him back so he could get some pain killers. They sent him home that one night with ibuprophen. That trip was a 3 – 4 hour drive by the way.

Drag – That was sure a strange idea that popped in your bf’s head. I think it’s unlikely that a man would be infected after one exposer with a woman but it certainly isn’t impossible. Just like those Maury Povich shows where the guy swears he couldn’t possibly be the baby’s father because he only had sex with the girl once. Not to toot my own horn but I think I look pretty damn good for a chick with AIDS. LOLI’m not 50 and I don’t have hepatitis but I haven’t had any beneficial surgical alterations done to me either. If I could I’d have some awesome boobs, perfect skin, and a body to drool over. LOL

Queen – Sorry about the job and your kid. Boy it sounds like he is as hardheaded as my son. Bless us LOL

Veritee – I understand how you feel about being lied to. I’m the same way. I don’t care how bad it is I’d rather know the truth than be lied to. Unfortunately I think you might have to resign that he will likely never tell you the entire truth about how he was infected. He may have done something he is not proud of and chooses not to tell you so you wont look at him as less of a man he may be telling the truth as he remembers it too. You know your husband and daughter well enough to know how they behave. There is nothing you can do to change them. The only thing you can do is change how you act and react to them. Try not to let all this crap pull you down in the muck. With your daughter its tough but we as mom’s have to learn to let them go.

Just wanted to say hi. Things have been crazy as usual. These 12 hour days are still kicking my butt. I think Cindy and I are going through the same thing with work. Well I just wanted to welcome the new members. I am sorry that I will not be able to address each one of you till my schedule calms down. Drag- congrats on the ring you must be so excited. Things are good with Whitey and Sunday is meet the Focker Day. He will finally meet my parents. So hopefully that should go well. I told him that my best friend was coming down in July and hope that he could meet her. His reply was you plan on keeping me around that long. I told him only if he wanted to stay that long around and he said. We both told each other that this is the first time in a long time that we can each trust the person we are with. You don't know what a great feeling that is. Its been a long time since I have been able to do that.

Is it impossible for him to have got HIV from just one encounter in 25 years? Am I being totlay naive to believe him when he says he did?

No, sorry if I upset you.I meant that the idea that my BF would think that a poz girl could be used a a weapon, like a gun, shoot once and it kills, upset me b/c he should know much better (he is neg).

He does btw but that was his immediate thought at the time, it upset me that stigma is so deeply rooted, I am not upset with him cos that fact that he is with me shows that he has overcome it.

BTW we discussed the family issue and agreed to be very very careful, and he said he is aware that we might never be able to tell them at all.

Anyway, of course it takes only once, just the likelyhood of someone's first time (in hetero sex with a woman) being that one time is low. But it does happen. I know that one guy at my hospital was infected while working on a cruise ship, it docked in the Carribean and he had sex just once with a girl. I'm sure there're other examples. If the girl is recently infected or has a high VL, it can happen.

About your daughter I'd leave her be, it might not look that way but she is the one needing the support right now... and being 18 who doesnt give parents grief?

I have never been in your shoes, but I remember the shock I had when I found out some things was dad had done, they were before he was with my mum so not cheating, but the idea of my dad doing sexual things, and not with a GF or a wife, and not in pleasant romantic situations, was hard to handle. It must be very tough on your kid as she is still growing up as a woman and will be for years. But I realized that everyone has sides, my dad is a wonderful person, and I am sure whatever made you love your husband is still very very real. So I would say, if he has had sex when away at see, once or more (and I know easier said than done), to let it go. People do all kinds of things, but we forgive each other b/c we are human and falliable. I hope it doesn't sound condescending, I would probably go crazy from the pain too, but I hope that I would be able to reconcile in your case. I am hoping so much your hubbie will recover, and then you guys can be a family again. and why not? really why not? b/c of one or maybe more sexual encounters in another country when he was away for months? I know it's huge when you look at it in a certain way, but is that enough to break your bond? I know you're hurt and angry beyond description but from the side from what I heard I don't see a broken family but something that can become strong and beautiful again. Really.

Hugs,

I'll write to the others seperately b/c this is quite long...

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Mornin' , Hope everyone is well. just a quick checkin to see how things are. Veritee, It is possible to catch HIV from one encounter but rare as the other ladies said. You will have to decide if you believe him or not cause you are the one who knows him. Sorry your family is giving you grief. I hate getting the silent treatment. That air of tension is hard to deal with. Hope things improve. Queen , sorry about the job and the car. Hang in there, things will get better.Good luck with your son. He needs to just pay his fine but you can't make him nor would you be doing him a favor by paying it for him but you know that. Betty , still waiting tables. I make good money for the hours I work . Hope you are feeling better. Ml, glad you found a doctor you like. Sorry that you are being overworked.Hopefully your new HR lady can fix that. Anybody I missed, have a great day. I am off to do laundry and make phone calls. Later, Cristy

tendai

Veri - its really unfair for your husband and daughter to be treating you like that. especially your husband since he infected you and all , but since like Drag said maybe he's not exactly in his right mind feeling close to death and all. As for your daughter if i were u i would leave her be if she wants to walk out. since she's done it before u know she can take care of herself by herself and u can worry about your own health and your husband. and she will come back wont she? its so unfair to you that make out like u're the bad one when u sacrifice and give so much and put up with so much and they cant appreciate it. i'm sure u can do without the stress theyre giving u. life is indeed too short and precious. u're not being childish! keep your head up girl and stay strong.

Drag - glad u resolved the family disclosure issue with your BF. Its scary how family opinion can influence the way a relationship grows. At least u got that cleared up. though that was a strange idea he had. hope u're feeling better now. Crying does soothe the soul sometimes. Sending u a big hug. I couldnt open the article u mentioned my computer takes so long i could fall asleep before its fully loaded the page.

Queen - sorry about the house and the job falling through. maybe its a blessing in disguise. everything happens for a reason i believe. i have this saying on my screensaver that goes:When you feel down because you didnt get what u want, just sit tight and be happy, because God is thinking of something better to bless you with. Great news with the new doctor, though. And your son, well they do say experience is the best teacher. maybe a little dose of the reality of prison will change his attitude. TV's got a lot to answer for if u ask me

Snow - i get confused when it comes to these exchange rates. thats the bank rate u converted with. on the black market if i have 30mil zim dollars i would get only $0.50US. But if i had $167US, i would be a billionaire. not that i can buy anything much. i was looking at t-shirts on saturday and the cheapest were $450mil. our currency is so worthless people are throwing away money of small denominations like the $10,000.00 note, which i think has been phased out anyway. to buy a lollipop u need about $15mil, an apple of good quality starts at $25mil. and the 30mil isnt a cab ride its for the kombis which are public transport. a cab ride to where i live would cost u over $2billion

Sun - good luck with the Meeting on the weekend. dont burn yourself out with work now. i'm glad things are working out with Whitey. Yay!

I was just thinking that some women are so brave. theres a guy we sort of work with, he comes and goes doing things for my boss out of town etc. he was sick a while back for about 3 months. now he's back at work but he looks terrible. he's so scruffy! the hair the beard, the skin, the feet oh my heavens the feet! he only wears sandals cos his legs once swelled up like he had elephantitis or something. so he has these huge long feet and they're black and the nails are long and green. and dirty. the girlfriend is really attractive etc and i dont understand how she stands it. i mean if the guy coughs in your immediate vicinity oooh sorry. thank goodness now he was forced to stop drinking and smoking when he got sick otherwise u wouldnt sit in the same room with him. i dont know how she sleeps in the same bed with him, i really dont. must be the fact that he takes care of her kids. she's one brave woman i tell u. if u could see him...

our elections fiasco, most of us have resigned ourselves to having the old fart rule until he dies. no way are we going to run riot in the streets, he's so prepared for that with riot police in almost every street. maybe if the UN gets into it like it should have done a long time ago something positive might happen. but its too late anyway coz the ballot boxed have been tampered with obviously. unless of course the ZEC springs a last minute surprise and the do the stupid illegal recount and MDC wins again and i bet u ZANU will say its all illlegal and say its null and void . we'll just wait and see.

Wendy, you sound like myself when I'm driving on the highways-75 mph (or more, like you said). When I was a teen, and my mum and I used to visit my grandmother, I used to hate my mum's driving-she wouldn't go above 55. Ugh.

Sun, I hope work eases up on you a bit. I'm glad things are working out for you and Whitey.

Cristy, you're still kicking ass at waitressing, eh? Good to hear from you.

Tendai, it would be the right thing for the UN to get involved, wouldn't it. That's one thing I don't understand-there's horrilbe things going on in your country; just as bad as what's going on in Iraq. Why do these government agencies drag their heels so?? It's infuriating. About that man you were talking about....I don't know if the lady who's with him is brave or just ignorant. I certainly wouldn't be with someone like that unless they were going to do something to improve themselves. Life is too short.

All the other ladies, I replied to in my previous posting. I'm having more diarrhea. I think I'll go to the drugstore a little later and get some Immodium. My doc would prescribe me Lommotil, but that never does a thing. It's going to be 71 here today, so it won't be a bad day to get out. They had a really nice riverwalk by me, but now they're putting up condos and no one has access to the riverwalk anymore. Damn capitalism.

I have to finish my report today. Hopefully I won't get so overly-emotional again. Oh, also, when I mentioned the GLBT community trying to get the anti-discrimination act passed and I included myself among them, some of you may wonder 'wtf?' as I've talked recently about getting laid by a man. I'm really woman exclusive when dealing with having a relationship. But, when it comes to sex, I'm bisexual. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just wanted to clarify. The best relationship I had was with another woman. We had a nice union ceremony and everything; but I listened to my ex-husband whine and at the time was foolish enough to take him back.

Anyway ladies, I hope everyone has a good morning. Hang in there girls!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Snow: Work is boring as usual!!..lol..but i havent heard anything from anyone regarding what baby daddy did...but i am thinking about retaliating anyways...I am really struggling with it bcus my retaliation could be so damaging that i wont be getting any child support because wont have a job..lol..so im a lil perplexed by that..But he did it to me..charging that i used the company email...he didnt care if i got in trouble, was embarrassed or not....Should i be the bigger person??...

Drag: sorry your feeling down missy ((((((lots of hugs)))))))) to ya sweety...sometimes neggies dont know wht to say out of their mouths no matter how understanding they/We think they are...truth is they arent walkin in our shoes so they will never totally 100% understand it as we do..while they are neg...Cheer up tho soon, he loves ya!

Tendai: you are too funny girl..talkin bout that man feet..i wanted to insert the quote but i did it wrong and lost my previous post soooooo....anyways..i dont really understand or relate to whats going on in your country politically (shit i dont even follow the uS politics..lol) but i hope for the best for you girl..it sounds like you guys are really goin thru it...Keep your head up...

Queen: My friend..so so sorry about the job and the house...but with the house as long as u have ur voucher ur good, and u will find another...prob better than that one..dont sweat that...as far as work..if u really need to work..temp agencies are everywhere..as a matter of fact i got this state job thru a temp agency when i first moved back from florida...i became perm in a year..now that son of yours ..well he is hard head teen..what can u say??..sometimes they have to learn the hard way....i dont know why they dont listen to us (parents..like we dont know shit)....he will get it sooner or later..hopefully sooner..

CIndy: if u read this...Keep ur head up..hard work sometimes goes unnoticed or unappreciated but never for too long...you will be blessed sista girl...

Betty honey: I hope your feeling better..i hate stomach viruses...Hows the smoking or not smoking i should say..hope all is well dear...

Cjc: thanks for checking in..hope u and yours are well...

Sun: Sun and whitey sitting in the tree..K-I-S-S-I-N-G...LOL that so cute...im happy for you...

I am not going to go into how I am feeling. If you really want to know, I suggest you read my blog, I did all my venting there. I just feel so out of it. Maybe I am not meant to work and just to suffer. That is how I am feeling about now.Betty, I wish I could find an under the table job, those are not easy to find here.

Wishful, temp jobs usually take most of your money, at least over here but has been thinking about what Betty and my doctor said, if I work then it will probably cut into my medical benefits. I guess I will just have to be satisfied with the scraps that the system is throwing out and calling help. I may joke and call myself ghetto but by no means am I content with living off of the system. Nor do I like being dependent on the system, if that makes sense. Yeah, I hope something better will come along as far as a house goes when Section 8 decides to come through with the voucher which I hope will be soon. Since I just got the papers I turned in to them back last weekend.

My son did call and talk to the probation officer yesterday when he stopped over. I guess he told the man he wanted to be locked up but it sounds to me like the probation officer is not trying to give him the easy way out by locking him up or is telling him the process of how things go if my son does not get with the program. Honestly, I am not stressing it nor am I going to pay his fine for him. Yeah, like I got $271 to help his ass out and even if I did, I wouldn't because my son has had the money 3 times and blown it on stupid shit. It is his fine and his problem. When I get tickets I pay them off because I love my freedom and I am not with being locked up or someone trying to make me their bitch.

Sorry I am not responding to you ladies individually but I just can't right now. With what I am feeling, I don't think I would be giving the best advice. Keeping, the day is getting closer, you got butterflies yet? Tendai, girl, I don't know how you do it, sometimes with my bitching about things and reading what you are going through, it makes me feel like I don't have a right to complain at all. Cindy, your efforts will be noticed, I think people are noticing already. Some are not holding their weight and dumping it on you, probably hoping you will quit. Like the saying we have here, I guess from some old sailor dude back in the day, Don't give up the ship!!!

I am out of here for now. I need to go try to start this damn car again..

Queen: you mean they dont pay what the company actually pays?...well yeah thats what they do but i suggested them bcus i knew you were worried about making too much where it would cut into ya benefits.. u can get a gig for like 8 or nine an hour..even less...

Queen, I know, under the table jobs are extremely hard to find here as well. I'll be checking out your blog. It almost seems like for it to be worthwhile, we'd have to make a ton of money risking benefits getting slashed.

Well, I'm happy to announce I got my report done. I think I might have mentioned it, I did it on 'hate crimes and homophobia.' Now that that's done, all I have left to do is study for the final. Our professor told us that for extra credit we could do like a mini-autobiography if we wanted to. I'm not sure if I'll do that or not.

I am smoking right now. I just don't think I'm ready to quit. I will be; just not right now. I do know the longer I smoke, the harder it will be to quit. I haven't given up the idea though.

I hope all you ladies are doing alright. Let's all hang in there.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Thank you and - Just an updateThank you all you lovely women for your support- re my daughter and my husband

I just can not keep up with the thread - but you have all been very supportive - thank you all so much.

The update is things are a lot better - My husband Barry has calmed down now and stopped sulking. Yes he was very childish - he can be and it is how he reacts to stress - but he can be very grown up too and came through for me today when he supported me at the HIV clinic

He has shook off his sulk and has become yet again the lovely person he actually is - my daughter has not and has come back to collect her clothes and will not speak to me

But I assure you that absolutely nothing will break our bond - i.e between me and Barry - it is really very strong despite what has happened- I was just offloading, sorry.

I have asked him again about whether he only had the one encounter that got us both HIV and made it clear that I do not care if it was more.

That I just need to know he was being truthful about it - he assured me he was and I feel I now have to leave it at that.

It does seem that he probably did only have that one encounter, as when he came back from that trip away at sea we he came down with what I now recognise was probably sero conversion and three weeks later I had the same symptoms- at the time we had no idea what it was, but knowing what I do know, I am sure it was sero conversion and he would not have had any opportunity to have sex with anyone more than once on that trip away at sea as they just do not get more than a day at a time on shore when working and then only about two opportunities to go on shore in any 8 week trip away - and after this he did not go back to Brazil but when from there to Trinidad and I know he did not go on shore there

Anyway whatever happened to get us HIV - he really is so very upset that he gave HIV to me and swears he has only had sex with anyone apart form me that one time in 21 years!!!.................so I feel, even if that is not so, I have to believe him and leave it there - we have the rest of our lives to lead now with HIV and he will never stray again and I love him and he me

Today was a very BIG day for me - in that I went to the HIV clinic to get my HIV medication. This may not seem much for all those who have lived with HIV meds for years, but for me it is/was a very big step i.e to accept I have to take this stuff and for the rest of my life.................

And of course Barry went with me to support me and as always he was absolutely great. I am not going to start on the meds today - I have decided to start on Monday because I have a week off and no commitments, so I have a week at home to take the meds and get used to any side effects etc - I will let you know about how it goes.

As to my daughter - I do myself feel that she is the one that needs support right now - she is only 18 and probably quite scared to have two parents with HIV - but that I can not give it. Not because I do not want to, but she can not, will not, or does not, want to accept it from me.

Luckily I do have a very good friend who is my age, but who has also been a very good friend to my daughter over the years and who has agreed to try to support her, if she can not let me be of any support to her, my freind will do her best to support her instead and my daughter loves and respects my friend. My husband also has also arranged to meet meet my daughter tomorrow to try to talk with her and to offer her his love and support.

It is very sad - for me - as she is my baby, my angel, and the only birth child I was ever privileged to have, that i can not be of any support to her at this time - and I love her so much - but it is me that she feel animosity towards since she was a teenager and it is me that can not ever support her - as she will not let me. This has been so for about 3 years - before we knew we had HIV

I know I can not change this, it is very sad for me, but I will make sure she gets the support she needs though her dad who she loves and my friend who she trusts and respects.

it takes me a while to compose my reply - as I am dislexic so while I write well I need a bit of time to write it and to spell check what I write

And by the time I have done this and go to post my response, there have been lots of other replies.

But I feel that this does not matter really as long as I respond as best I can - so here goes.....................

Pink – welcome from me – I am pretty new too and I find the threads here overwhelming too. Partly because I am so pleased to find people and especially women that I can relate to and who seem to understand what it is like for me and HIV but also because I want to reply to so many and to so many of the issues that people talk about, but if I did I would have to be on here much longer than I can, so I feel overwhelmed trying to follow everything in the time I have and trying to respond to what I want to.

But it is great you have joined too – I hope to get to know you a little more

Mum – I am so sorry you are so unwell, it must also be so very difficult when you have young children to look after? How old are your children? I am so lucky that I have HIV at a time when my only birth daughter is almost grown up and can fend for herself- at least in terms of physically looking after herself at least

Are you very ill right now? Is your HIV well controlled Ok by the meds or not? Is your husband/partner HIV neg or poz? – Sorry that I do not know but it is difficult to follow everyone’s story. But I do worry about you when you say about your chest problems and difficulties. I do so much hope you feel better soon.

Queen - I am so sorry that you too are having difficulties/ stress over a situation with your child - I see/understand your situation at little , and have also come across those here - when working as a youth worker - who thought it would be better to go to prison than actually pay a fine. They thought it was an easier option and a couple of weeks locked up meant they would not have to pay out the money - but it was never the easier option. All I can say is stand firm in whatever you decide to do about this.

Tendai - I have been thinking of you re your situation in your country – and I am very concerned for all of you who live there!!.

How do you get or afford your HIV medication when you are living in a situation when food costs too much and a taxi ride is impossible? I hope you are somehow managing to get the medical help and the medication you need when you have HIV?

By coincidence I am meeting a woman of about my age - in her 50s - from Zimbabwe on Saturday who is living now in the UK where I live (only about 4 miles from me) who also has HIV. I think she is partly here because she can get good medical treatment here that she could not get in Zimbabwe but without disclosing too much of her situation she is also here because she had a friendship connection with another woman here, who offered her a home in the UK .

But unfortunately her friend has since died so she is now in this country alone with no support! I really hope I can be of some support to her. We are meeting up on Saturday morning. I will let you all know how it goes as she will be the only other women with HIV I have ever spoken to face to face!!

But I am very concerned about your situation in your country and follow the newspapers/TV everyday to see what is happening.

I find it difficult to understand why the UK or no other governments or the UN are stepping in to stop this terrible situation - and why we (the UK) went and interfered in places like Iraq and Afghanistan with - I feel - much less reason, so why do we - our government - stand by and do nothing to help people in your country?? And I do not mean war/invasion as I never supported and never will support what happened in Iraq or Afghanistan - but to use what little influence we may have though the UN etc to try to get this situation resolved.If my comments on this are ill informed I do sincerely apologise as I know that I probably have no real idea of what is going on your country and for those of you who live there.

But I did wonder Tendai how with the situation in your country and with things being so expensive - you are managing to get on the internet to talk to us here??

Even here in the UK, my connection to the internet is fairly expensive and not available to all – e.g the woman from Zimbabwe I am meeting on Saturday even living just a few miles away from me can not afford to be online so when she comes here on Saturday she is going to use my internet connection to email a few friends in South Africa and Zimbabwe. So I just wondered about the logistics of being online when in a country in this situation|?? How do you manage it?

Just as I type this it is on the TV there is the news that our UK prime minister has condemned what is happening in your country and urging the UN to get involved - but is up against the worry that for ‘us’ to interfere may be construed that a leader of a 'former commonwealth oppressor' becoming involved inappropriately in a country that felt/was oppressed by white UK in the past and needed to shake off the any influence from the UK, I get this – the UK has a lot of past in terms of oppression to condone for and stuff now in Iraq and other places too!!!!! - very complicated for me to understand the issues but I am really trying…………..Here are a few bits of news I have been following - is it accurate? it is all so confusing when trying to follow it from herehttp://allafrica.com/stories/200804161066.htmlhttp://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30200-1312675,00.htmlhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7349955.stm

But I just wanted to say that even though I can not ever understand what it is like for you who live there - I am thinking of you and wish I could do something to help or change things – is there anything I can do as an ordinary woman living in the UK – if there is anything please let me know?

Betty - totally understood what you were saying re'Oh, also, when I mentioned the GLBT community trying to get the anti-discrimination act passed and I included myself among them, some of you may wonder 'wtf?' as I've talked recently about getting laid by a man. I'm really woman exclusive when dealing with having a relationship. But, when it comes to sex, I'm bisexual.'

Because despite the fact I have been with a man for many years and married to him ---- this is me too!!! - I did not get together with Barry as a sexual/relationship partner until I was 32 years old - which for me was now 23 years ago - and I had many, many years of life and relationships up to when I was 32!!!From the early 70s until I met Barry in the 80s I would have described myself as sexually bi but emotionally involved only with women..... and most/often all of my close sexual and emotional relationships were with women....... and still are!!I do not know why it happened with Barry, I have always told people it was because I felt in love with the person - not the gender!!

Yet, even so much of my emotional life and who I care for most is about women, and most, if not all my closest friends for the last 20 years or more are lesbian and bi women!! Yet I am on the surface a happily married woman in a ‘het’ relationship. Yet I still campaign for lesbian and gay rights and awareness and move in those circles....

................life is so very complicated isn’t it!!

Sorry I have not mentioned you allBut thank you so much for your support if me and my situation

Ok, I just skimmed all the post I missed. So much is going on. I still have not attempted to look for a new ID doctor. My mother still has the name of one who we tried to get into when I was first diagnosed. I think I am going to try to get in with him. Anyways, school is getting close to the end and it certainly does not get any calmer. We have state testing, open house, physical fitness testing, etc. etc...Oh how much longer till June! I am going tomorrow to my primary doctor to get my thyroid tested. I hope that is what is causing the weight gain. I am so bad...I don't want to hear that I am going to have work out all the time and give up what I like to eat... Terrible huh? LOL!

I would comment on everyone but there was too much. I did see the new person but I can't remember the name so I will just say "Hello!!!"

I dont see that as brave. But I know for someone else it could be seen as bravery. Guess it depends on how difficult your life has been growing up I suppose. Or maybe its just plain old differences in opinion.

Wendy, you sound like myself when I'm driving on the highways-75 mph (or more, like you said). When I was a teen, and my mum and I used to visit my grandmother, I used to hate my mum's driving-she wouldn't go above 55. Ugh.

LOL the highway I take to Houston has a speed limit of 75 on most of the trip. You do run across a few driving 55 though.

Wow all I need is some popcorn and pull up a chair!!!So much is going on here today!! wow i thought I was in a Funk, but i must count my blessings , because My ladies here are all going through something and I have no reason to complian!!! i was in pain all day from my back so I took meds and slept the day away I feel much better. .I just wanted to check in with you all and tell you that my prayers are with All of you . goodnite ladies Tomorrow is another day.be blessed.

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"to thine own self be true"

tendai

Wendy - u need to see the man i'm referring to then maybe u'd understand. Maybe she's not just brave, maybe she's in love and her love is blind, deaf and has no sense of smell, or touch. Or maybe its mind over matter. Or sometimes u're in a situation where you have 2 kids, dead husband, no source of income and there comes a man who can give u a place to stay, food to eat and can help you start a small business buying and selling groceries; well i guess having to sleep with a man who handles himself like that is a small price to pay..

Veritee - have no internet at home. i use the internet at work. thats why i almost never log on during the weekends coz that would mean having to go into town and finding an internet cafe. i work in a doctors surgery and i guess its one of the benefits of working for a man who likes to have modern technology. so far he hasnt complained about the bill though coz he also uses it sometimes. i am not yet on meds. but for when i do have to start meds first off i joined a medical aid society which has a specific coverage for paying for HIV meds. Also my boss is also has a post at our government hospital and said he can organise for me to get them from there cheaply if i cant afford to buy them from pharmacies. another benefit of working for a doctor. hopefully when the time comes he'll do as he promised.

i read the links you posted Veritte but we are not very hopeful that anything will be done. Brown etc can demand all they want, Mugabe will not listen to anyone unless it benefits him. South Africa's Mbeki is so infuriating. He was the one who said the AIDS and HIV are not related remember? Denying that SOuth Africa had an AIDS crisis when it was obvious it had. I dont know what is wrong with him. He's just like Mugabe's "wives" in the ZANU Politburo , ass-kissing yes-men.

Betty - The thing is ZImbabwe doesnt have any oil or diamonds or whatever that the western powers can exploit. so they wouldnt take any physical action as such. its very doubtful. Mugabe is so prepared to squash any civil action we may take and we are all cowards of course. hearing about the way the people are being beaten up in the rural areas by ZANU militia bcoz they voted for MDC we dont that happening in town as well.We're "celebrating 28 independence" tomorrow. i hope people dont attend the stupid fuction. but then again they might be dragged out of their houses and forced to attend. but its being held in an MDC stronghold who knows.

Anyone following the Polygamy sect story? We have something like that here. Apostolic sects where the men have "visions" of being told by angels to marry young girls. having several wives etc. Only polygamy is not illegal here if u're traditionally married. Its amazing, are these women brainwashed or something? or they just dont know anything different from that. coz they dont seem to like whats happening to them and want to go home to their compounds and all. How do they do it, the men? controling them like that so its like they're not controlling them. and i havent seen any man being interviewed, its just the women and their uniforms crying for their babies...

Zazi - hie and welcome to the forum

hi wishful, viv, christy, your highness and everyone. have a great day! I wonder how Emeraldize and Paulette are. Its been a while..

Queen, I read your latest in your blog and I have to say I so much appreciate your honesty. You sure get dealt some nasty hands. {{{HUG}}}

Veritee, I'm glad your husband has come out of his funk. Good luck with starting your meds!

Viv, hang in there baby, June is only a couple more months.

Netta, did you injure your back? I have chronic low back pain; it's hard to deal with sometimes.

Tendai, you are so right. I was talking to my brother some time ago about why nothing was being done in S. Africa and he said 'there's no oil.' That pisses me off to have to agree with things like that, but it's true. About that man, I can relate (however a little) about the woman needing a place to stay etc. There were several men I was 'with' back in the day that I would in no way be with today. It was done for survival. I don't know anyone who hasn't compromised their principles at one time or another. Things are just so desperate in your country, and I'm so, so sorry you have to live in constant fear, poverty etc. I haven't been following the story about the polygamist sect too closely, but I did see last night where the women seemed to be happy with things the way they were. You know, in studying cults/sects in my recent class, according to our text, people who join them are no more psychologically fraile than anyone else. They join them to feel a sense of 'being,' or to feel 'fulfilled.' I don't agree with underage girls being brought in on the whole thing. That's just wrong. As for the grown ones, I'm kind of a 'live and let live' person. If it's not harming anyone else, then get on with it. But, that's me.

I have to study for a final today, which I intend to do when I'm at the laundermat doing laundry (of course, what else would I be doing there). I also want to clean. I didn't do much of it last week, so my place really needs it. Being that I live in only an efficiency, it doesn't take long.

Nothing earth-shattering. I'm supposed to have company from out-of-town this weekend (yes, another sex weekend). But, it seems this person has gotten somewhat emotionally attached and I'm trying to figure out a way to tell him that I'm not into emotional stuff at this point. He's been calling every day; which is alright, but sometimes I think he says things to get a reaction out of me and I don't like men who 'need' attention all the time. That's very juvenile behavior to me. I don't like whiners. If someone's not confident in themselves, I'm not going to provide that. Unless of course, the person wants to plop copious amounts of money down in front of me. I'm no one's emotional whore by any means.

Anyway ladies, I hope you all have a good morning. I'll be back.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Thank you so much for explaining your situation more fully to me . I just have found it so hard to understand with inflation at the level it is etc how anyone living in Zimbabwe right now is managing at all.

I do not know why, but I have been personally very concerned/engaged with the situation in Zimbabwe every since I first became aware of it.........Why this should be so - I do not know ??

As I am a white woman, born in the UK, with no links to Africa at all. I am a gypsy which means I have suffered some oppression due to this - but why I am so engaged with what is happening in your country I do not know!! - but I am and really feel for what is happening and wish I could do something?

Also I am meeting a women with HIV from Zimbabwe who lives here next Saturday so it will help our meeting to know what is go gin on for people there.

So pleased you said this:

'South Africa's Mbeki is so infuriating. He was the one who said the AIDS and HIV are not related remember? Denying that South Africa had an AIDS crisis when it was obvious it had. I dint know what is wrong with him. He's just like Mugabe's "wives" in the ZANU Politburo , ass-kissing yes-men.'

Because that is how I feel about 'South Africa's Mbeki' from following the news of what is going on .

I have felt that he 'Mbeki' may be the only person who could actually do anything right now quickly and effectively and without violence about Mugabe -

but Mbeki just has 'arse licked and copped out' ( English working class expression I hope you understand what I mean!???)

On a personal level for you - I am just so glad you have the job you have i.e have membership for a medical aid society and work a doctor with government connections and that due to this you have internet access and that if and when you need medication you will get them through your the connections of the doctor you work for

Totally thinking of all of you in Zimbabwe right now I know I can not do a thing to help but can only hope it all comes right

I mean how long can an arsehol* like Mugabe carry on and get away with it?? Sorry that is is how I feel? he has to go at some point? Well I bloody hope so!"!!

Betty I commend you for being able to respond to individual posts b/c I am lost at this point.

Will just be writing off the top of my head and sorry for neglecting anyone.

Tendai you know I'm here for you. I wish I could say something smarter or encouraging, I can't. Ironically just a few decades ago the most prosperous countries in the world were going thru similar things, but people have a short memory.. I totally totally agree with your analysis of the whys and whats both of that woman and of the global reaction.

Wishful I love your pic its very glamourous. About the vendetta thing, I say no. Dont go there, dont let him drag you into the shit. besides it could potentially hurt your kids with the money, but also I would not wage war even if its totally tempting. Great that work isnt affected and that you are so resilient. Thats your true power and no matter how much he tries he cant mess that up, feel sorry for his wife and newborn thats for sure, what a loser...

Betty, I would go for it but that's just me... I like sex but if I can go for something more, I definately would go for the full monty.

Veritee sounds good with your family and give it time eh.

Queen, about your son, I'd sit and watch some documentary about kids in jail with him, I have seen some good ones maybe they have them on YouTube as well. But maybe he doesnt want to, sounds like he wants the street cred! Maybe its a good thing he'll go in for a short time and as soon as they admit him (I am not sure that's the term) he'll realize how awful it is and that will teach him, whereas if he didnt he would live in lala land and continue to romanticize prison which I dont understand how anyone could do that but I know that kids do. Even video games & music glamorize crime nowadays.

Might not have a clue on this but writing anyway... and about the house, I hope things work out with some alternative, if landlord lost the bid he'll probabaly bid on something else no?

Viv I had a fight with my GP yesterday and am going to change him too and its hard to find as well. You know the moment when the last straw break's the camel's back? I have put up with inferior treatment from this arrogant, useless guy but enough is enough.

Eevryone else, just saying hi and keep looking to the horizon, the weekend is comingHugs etc.

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy