It didn't occur to her that some women might make the conscious choice to not have children. That assumption was proven wrong when she treated several women who were each conflicted about whether or not to have offspring. The more she heard the more awestruck she became with the intensity of their mixed feelings, what she later came to call "maternal ambivalence."

In her new book, "The Monster Within: The Hidden Side of Motherhood," she writes: "I came to realize that all my female patients, past and present, had been or were (at least part of the time) dealing with guilt and shame about the quality of their mothering or their avoidance of motherhood."

ParentDish recently spoke with Almond about her new book. An edited version of the conversation follows.

ParentDish: This is not a self-help book, but I'm wondering if some women might be seeking some sort of self-help material when they pick up the book. What will they find inside that might be useful?Barbara Almond: I think that it's not a self-help book, but it's a help book. It's meant to help. I'm describing a pretty widespread phenomenon, I would say ubiquitous, among women. No matter how much they love their children, it can never be 100 percent nor should it be 100 percent. There's much too much guilt and much too much pressure, internally generated pressure in women, which is supported by the pressures that all their friends and relatives are also struggling with, you know that one is supposed to be an all-loving, all-understanding perfect mother as if mothers were not people with needs of their own. Needs for quiet, for sleep, things like that.

PD: Your comment about not having to be 100 percent brings to mind a comment by author Ayelet Waldman about how she loved her husband more than her kids. It caused quite an uproar. What's your take on it?

Dr. Barbara Almond. Photo: Richard Almond

BA: I think she loves her children but her children don't give her the kind of satisfactions that her husband does. They give her a different kind of satisfaction. She's a grown woman and he's a grown man, they have an emotional, intellectual, sexual relationship of the sort you don't have with 4-year-olds. They're adorable and you love them, but they don't satisfy the needs of the adult woman, they satisfy the maternal needs that she has, which are not an exact overlap.

PD: In your book you talk about the "guilty mom" and the "angry mom," two different ways of responding to maternal ambivalence. Can you elaborate?BA: The point that I'm making is that women feel guilty about the negative side of their ambivalent feelings. Even though I make pretty sure in the book to say several times that ambivalence is a normal human phenomenon, that when you love someone or need them or care about them, you can't help not being aware that you might lose them in one way or another. You might lose their love, they might grow up and leave you, they might run off with another woman, there are all kinds of threats and even when something is very important to you that's not a human relationship, [for example] an athlete may lose his powers, a pianist may have an injury to their hand ... you can't help feeling some ambivalence toward anything that is very important to you, that is, you both love it and hate it because it's so important to you.

This is a normal phenomenon, but women feel so guilty about their angry feelings and their angry dreams and their occasional angry murderous thoughts, that they give themselves an awfully hard time, they feel guilty, they feel angry at the child for provoking their guilt and angry at the child for not being the perfect child that they as perfect mothers should be raising.
PD: How has the book been received? Any surprises?BA: One thing that surprised me is that the book even got published. My agent ran into so much resistance to this idea, that it would freak people out, that nobody would buy it, that it would be too upsetting to their readers; and I felt it was a needed book. It really kind of blew me away. I thought to myself, 'Well, don't these people read the newspaper? They think this is bad news?' That surprised me.

I'm surprised it's catching the attention it is and doing as well as it is because I was given to believe that no one would touch it with a 10-foot pole. I don't know that I believed that but it was certainly said to me enough times.

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it goes both ways. my mother made me feel so inadequater as a mother but she was no mother to me as a child. do i like my mother? no. do i love her? not one bit. and i don't feel guilty about it either and she knows how and why.

Unconditional love and unconditional LIKE not the same. They are two totally separate things. I think of those mothers of upon hearing "guilty" read out by the jury foreperson after a court trial, as they wail, "NO! Not my son/daughter, he/she would NEVER even hurt a fly!" Then I think, of course, this kind of "parental thinking" has contributed to his/her feeling total feeling of entitlement that set them up and to this tragic end. I have never totally LIKED those I love so dearly. But LOVE them? I SURE DO!!

Not everybody, man or woman, is cut out to be a parent. I am childless by choice because I believe it's how I need to live my life. I do not hate children. I have nieces, nephews, and Godchildren that I spoil horribly but I give them back to their parents when I need a reprieve from them. Nobody should be guilted or pressured into having kids if they don't think that's the right choice for them. It's a little too late once the child is here to realize you made a mistake.

This is such a great subject. I'm really glad someone's finally talking about it. I used to think I never wanted kids because I never wanted them to take over my life. But if you get the help you need and make time for yourself you can find the perfect balance between being a mother and being yourself. You need to take care of your kids and yourself.

I think this information can help heal some of the readers. I was the fifth child of a married woman that thought she couldn't have more children. Before I was two, I was given to an unmarried cousin of hers to raise. I was taken back when I was five to live with my parents. When my parents marriage broke up, I ended up back with this cousin at eight. My past also has abuse. I felt that I wanted to be a parent, because I wanted to have a good mother-daughter relationship, too try to get it right for the next generation. It turned out that I was unable to conceive after getting married. We adopted our first daughter when we were married nine years and our second three and a half years later. I have to say that I love these girls dearly, but don't always like them, especially since I am parenting a teenager. I do feel good about the fact that my husband and I do get a lot of compliments on what nice kids they are. It is hard work and I applaud anyone who knows that they don't want kids and don't bring kids into this world to grow up in misery.

I am so glad that someone has finally said something about this subject. I am a mother of two a 7yr old boy with Autism and a 4 yr old girl. And i find my self saying "If I could turn back the hands of time I would have NEVER had kids"...and I feel really bad for thinking that way. But It happens a lot. I’ve been a mother for the past 7yrs and I can truly say that it has been a terrible experience for me. I’m always stressed out and mad. I go through a lot with my son and my daughter is just so disobedient. 90% of the time I am punishing her and I am very frustrated and upset I cry all the time because I feel so guilty of my feelings. But on the flip side I love them so much and I wish that things were different. Its just so hard for me to find the right way of doing things with them I have tried everything from time out to taking toys & games away to not letting them play outside I mean I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I am a single mother and I work fulltime. I grew up without a mother. She abandoned my brother and I when I was 3 and he was 11months old. My father raised us all by his self and it was not easy for him but he did it. He is my Hero. And I want to be the parent he was..is. I haven't seen my mother in 32 yrs. And I know I never will. Sometimes I wonder if not having her in my lifehas anything to do with how I feel today.

Some women have children because their sisters, friends, etc. have children. There relationship with their husbands' might be strained. They take it out on their children; being abusive in verbal, emotional and physical. Many women have their first child, in their mid 30" and early 40's. They will generally give what the child need materialistically, but nothing else.

Plain and simple.., just like everything else. There are people fitfor being parents, and there are people who should 'not' be parents.Nothing to do with gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation, orreligious beliefs. Growing up I had a friend who was ashamed of hisfather because he was gay, but as it turned out he was one of the bestdads in the neighborhood. As time went on he realized he could nothave chosen a better dad than his dad who just happened to be a gayman. My dad on the other hand wouldn't buy my brother and I milk, he wanted his beer instead. My grandparents helped my mom get on herfeet as she worked as a waitress in a diner, She divorced my 'no good', alcoholic fatherand he left town...( I never seen him again ). Later she met my stepfather, He was better than him but not much because he didn't really want kids.My advise to people who are not suited for parenting..., DON'T HAVE KIDS ! Then you won't have those shitty feelings and hurt your kids ! Idiots !!

The idea of parents not liking their kids at times is hardly profound. From the difficulty of potty training to the rebellious teenage years to the financially imposing adult years, of course there will be times when you are angry with your children and just don't like them. Why is that startlilng? Do you get mad at your parents, your best friend, your boss? So why would it be different with kids. HOWEVER, the response of most of these posters is not a transient dislike but a profound dislike that is emotionally dangerous for the poor children who are in these situations. It is not all right to dislike your children to the point that you are unkind, unjust, unfair and mean. If you know you don't like kids, don't have them and contrary to any amount of pressure you feel society, your in-laws or your mate puts on you, it is your responsibility NOT to bring some poor, obviously unwanted baby into the world. You don't need a book for that decision.

All the women posting here that feel like they don't like their kids all come from homes that were dysfunctial. So this Kook Barbara Almond is wrong by saying this is normal. Women from NORMAL homes do not feel like killing their kids, and for this nut to tell other women its normal is a bad mistake. Its not normal !

NO ONE...NO ONE!!! should have a child without personally meeting criteria. A couple should be married and equally committed to each other 110%. The couple should pre-dedicate themselves unconditionally 110% to raising their child. Each member of the couple should commit to self-sacrifice affection to each other and their child. Parents who cannot make these commitments are not worthy of the privilege of experiencing a beautiful baby's life. Parents are responsible for every aspect of a child including physical health, education, social growth, spiritual growth, and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Each parent should be willing to lay down their life for their child. Do not have a child if you do not fall within these parameters. I do not have a Ph.D. in child rearing, I have something better. We have the experience of raising two wonderful children and now have five beautiful grandchildren. Each of our children are born-again Christians, have doctorate degrees and two of our older grandchildren are born-again Christians. If you work hard and totally give of yourself, the rewards are immeasurable. If you do not work hard and totally give of yourself, you will fail miserably as a parent.

This is one pathetic author. GUILT is the moral compass by which our internal sense of right and wrong let's us know we need to change our behavior. GUILTis good about big issues like whether we love our children or like our children.

Nobody says you have to have kids. If you damn straight decide to bring other souls into this world, you have an ethical and moral obligation to give up your freedom and replace it with maternal love. Much the same way you give up your sexual freedom when you marry.

If you are such a wuss that you are not capable of doing this, DON'T and I mean DON'T have kids. If screwing your husband and talking to him is more important to you than watching your flesh and blood grow into responsible, loving adults, who can give back to the world, THEN SCREW him and grow old without kids.

How pathetic is this generation that we always need somebody to thrust their limited perspectives and lack of judgement on us, either as therapists, authors, or even friends. Get a grip. No wonder there are no women in the White House.

Um sure let's 'profile' mothers now --- Once again 'mothers' are being accused of feeling 'parental guilt' and blamed for any and every 'bad' feeling/result of her children; as if children belong 'solely' to their mother?. I will take a 'pass' on supporting the pocket of a 'narrow minded' feminist psychiatrist/author whose life seems to be 'focused' on a few women including herself; until a 'broad and well-rounded' study of a both genders (male and female) on 'all levels of society' (i.e. fathers, step-fathers, siblings, teachers, day care workers, neighbors, friends, relatives, clergy...etc.) with whom children mingle with daily, that which is ever changing throughout his/her life, is conducted by an equal gender pair or group of professionals dedicated to the study of 'human behavior' on this topic--- period...tyvm. One doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to know for generations, decades...(if not centuries) 'mothers' are the target for every negative result/feeling of a child (even when they become adults), yet, all 'positive' praise goes to the child ---

Mothers wake up! As long as you allow the world to label you with this 'monstrous personality', and you believe this author's concept and feel you should 'own' it, life will become far more dangerous for mothers and children. I fear the 'general' presentation of this Internet 'ad' will become a widely shared topic that will be misconstrued by the majority of Internet surfers (most of whom will never read the book it attempts to sell) and might very well create 'entitlement' of mothers to 'dislike' their children, on a bad day, more than they did in the past and could cause children more harm than good ---. I wonder if then, the doctor will be full of 'guilt'. God help us all.

PS Let's be reminded ... this newest book of Dr. Barbara Almond comes at a time when children spend most of their time away from their hard working mothers in 'CHILDCARE'

As Poet Dorothy Law Nolte presents in her eloquently written poem and obviously full of life's wisdom; shame leads to guilt (below). Mother's do not be ashamed loving your children and trying to be the best parent you can be to your child, just be honest with yourself enough to ask for help when needed and never be ashamed of that!

"Children Learn What They Live"

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Not liking your children? When they are the result of your upbringing. May not be PC but it is not ok to dislike your children. It is ok to dislike their actions, or aspects of their personality that might clash with yours. Stop worrying about your feelings this all about me culture needs to stop. The frustration comes stems from the fact being a Mother is the most selfless thankless job you will ever have. It is demanding and there must be level of maturity. Have a child your life could go on pause for 21 years. It will affect your relationships. And if your not there to raise them what do you expect? Of course you will have personality conflicts because they are the result of someone else raising them. Those of us that had stay at homes mothers that interacted with us these problems are a concept. We also raised our kids the way we where brought up. We also help out mothers that work, making sure that personality conflict never happens. That is a tricky dance but it can be done. Not every mother can stay home but the connection needs to be there. We pull up the slack to ease the pressure. If I ever heard a mother saying I dislike my child. I would not lift a finger to help her. I would call Child Protective Services. Because that is the seed for putting the ((child)) in the third person and abuse. A sign of selfish immature mother. In fact not a mother an incubator.

You don't have to tell them , they already know. Having been through it the roots start early and as a slow learner I had it figured out by age 40. A dad who never played catch , took me to a game. hotdog stand , never called me his son or that he loved me. A mom who idea of a good time was to dump my sister and I off at gramp pa's and spend the day at her girl friends with her children. When My dad was dying I stood at his death bed and tryed to say I loved you but could not get the words out. You see he never said it to me. When my mom passed I buried her with few tears. Cried more when I had to have my dog put down (cancer) , you see that dog loved me. At Moms funeral my sister expressed the same feelings I had . Wanted to know why she wasn"t good enough to be loved. Some people should never have kids.

Let me guess, your a man, right? If so, shut up, you have absolutley NO IDEA what this is about. Are there no days in which you feel dislike towards someone? Does this always mean that you hate that person? If your child is screaming at the top of his/her lungs, "I HATE YOU", as a human being you have EVERY RIGHT to feel dislike towards them at that moment, dislike for their actions and attitude. This doesn't mean that you are, "pathetic". It shows and means that you are instead HUMAN! And leave, "screwing your husband" out of it. You're obviously a disrespectful and disgusting jerk.

I too am a senior citizen, and I believe that how we parent is directly connected to how we were parented as children. I had a Mother who did not like children and had a mean streak. I took that and reversed it..my Mother taught me what NOT to do. I had four children and loved each one of them. Through the years I have not liked them sometimes, But I have always loved them. I think we give too many material things to our children. They need love for security and a sense of self accomplishment.

TheTalkies

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