suicide

American Airlines has expressed its annoyance with the media’s obsession with plane crashes. The major corporation says that it can no longer tolerate the collective wankfest that takes place after every air disaster, regardless of nationality or even cause. Their patience was seemingly tried to breaking point by the recent response to the Germanwings plane crash, precipitated by a suicidal co-pilot. Approximately 150 passengers were killed, a detail the media repeated over and over again, presumably with its metaphoric dick in its hand.

“The Malaysian flight that got lost… that was more than enough,” said Doug Parker, CEO of the transport giants. “With all their screwy theories, and the excitement over every bit of non-evidence… Then the flight that got shot down over the Ukraine, now this. It seems like all you see on CNN is plane crashes. It’s just not fair.”

Media analyst, John Tremp, agreed with the sentiment.

“The ratios are pretty insane,” said Tremp. “The number of planes that crash in a year – less than 200. The amount of airtime it gets on all media platforms – fucking enormous. It’s like the porn industry – there are exponentially more pornos portraying a housewife getting fucked by the pool boy than what happens in real life. It’s no wonder American Airlines is pissed.”

But the media has collectively promised not to stop the immense over coverage of such events saying, “America perves over this stuff. Traffic on RedTube and YouPorn goes down – pardon the pun – during coverage of air disasters. We as the media are committed to giving the citizens of the USA what they want, even if it is somewhat sickening.”

According to statistics, even articles blasting the obsession bring in unnecessary details of the event. For example, such articles will tell you that the co-pilot had been treated for suicidal thoughts, which surely is not something everyone has to know. Also routinely reported is inside info of the captain’s final words, including the devastating cry of “For God’s sake open the door!” – pure voyeurism.

A Laredo family is in mourning today after a young man took his life late Friday evening. Tom Brink, 24, hung himself from the rafters of his home, leaving behind a note for his loved ones detailing his spiral into depression.

“I can’t believe this I spend so much money on my internet and it goes down all the time. I can’t take it anymore, it has been about 25 minutes now, and still no connection. I lived a great life, but I don’t want to live in a world were I can’t come home and watch my favorite TV shows on Netflix, or check my Facebook feed and just unwind a bit. I just got to the end of Breaking Bad and my connection kicked off right during the cliffhanger. I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.”

Brink’s mother Mary remembers Tom as an easy going person who never let drama get into his life. She told us that she was completely blind-sided by his death and would never expect her son to do such a thing because he had a lot of things going his way.

“He just got a new job, and he was going to be making over 6-figures,” said Mary. “He had the whole world at his fingertips. His girlfriend was beautiful and smart, he had a new puppy named Gremlin, and he even was looking into buying a home. I cannot believe that he’s gone. The internet is a foul, evil place, but not having it is even worse.”

Mary Bring is urging parents to make sure their children are raised with strong Wi-Fi connections, and to make sure that their kids know that there are more options in life than just watching videos on the internet, such as TV on DVD or even old VHS tapes.

Representatives for Brink’s internet service say that there was no issue with the service on their end, and Brink more than likely would have been able to reset his connection by unplugging his router, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in.

One lucky man almost met his death last Thursday evening, but apparently fate had other plans. A Seattle man, Frank Carpenter, is alive today after attempting to kill himself by jumping from the top of a city building.

Carpenter reportedly jumped off the top floor of the IBM building, which is a 20-story skyscraper in downtown Seattle. He still remains in the hospital with several broken bones, but doctors say that, unbelievably, he has no life-threatening injuries.

“When I jumped, every regret came to mind of how much my life could offer me. I had so many things going bad in my life, and I didn’t think there was any hope for me. My girlfriend left me, I lost my job, and Russell Wilson threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen to lose the Super Bowl,” said Carpenter, now smiling in his hospital bed. “Surviving this, I’ve just done a complete 180 on my outlook, and I am just happy to be breathing. I see now how great this world can be.”

Doctors say they have no idea how Carpenter survived the fall, but say that striking a business canopy before hitting the ground may have been enough to slow him down without causing instant death.

“It seems that most of the force was taken in his legs, and he has severely compacted bones in both ankles, feet, and knees. He also broke one arm, and severely sprained another. Amazingly, though, that’s about his only injuries, and we have performed surgery,” said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith. “With physical therapy, he should walk again just fine. Man, if he had jumped head first, he would be so dead right now.”

When asked him what was going through his mind when he hit the ground, Carpenter said “Ouch.”

Theodore Rigsby, 35, of Long Island, New York is suing the New York Police Department for $2 million, claiming mental anguish, wrongful life, and failure to be allowed to die freely.

On the evening of December 21, 2014, a woman called 9-1-1 saying that a man was standing on the railing of the historic Brooklyn Bridge, threatening to commit suicide. When officers arrived on the scene, they found Rigsby, who refused to be talked down by the officers. Officers Garret Miguel Cruz and Carmine Seinfeld sprung into quick action, leaping for the man and pulling him down off the railing and transported him to the 33rd precinct headquarters in Brooklyn. Rigsby then spent two weeks under constant mental evaluation at the Cloverleaf Mental Health Services hospital, and was then released.

Earlier this week, Rigsby hired a lawyer, Arnold C. Jacobson, and filed the wrongful life lawsuit against the NYPD. Jacobson said in a WNYC interview that his client was not treated fairly. “Mr. Rigsby and the great city of New York were dealt an unfair hand of ill-advised justice when officers prevented him from jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge,” Jacobson said. “My client was viciously attacked and manhandled as he was yanked off the railing. He suffered several bruises to the upper arm and now lives in a state of depression.”

Witnesses on the scene say they were greatly disapointed when the officers kept Rigsby from jumping, such as Leo Mansetti, 32, of Brooklyn, “Man, I was bored to tears and stuck in traffic, and then I pulled up next to this scene. A bunch of us were honking and cheering the guy on telling him to take one for the team and stuff like that ya know? Then the cops came and messed it all up. It sucked. But what else is new? That’s how the cops are here. Welcome to New York,” Mansetti scoffed.

Acclaimed stand-up comedian and 80s TV star and actor Bill Cosby, 77, best know for his role as Cliff Huxtable on The Cosby Show, has reportedly ended his career in show business, after making what the media is calling ‘outrageous’ and ‘crude’ comments about his rape allegations.

After several women had come forward claiming that Cosby had sexually harassed or assaulted them, the once-loved comedian and 80s TV star had his life turned upside down. A new, planned TV series was cancelled, a Netflix stand-up special was postponed indefinitely, and even Nickelodeon pulled old episodes of The Cosby Show from its Nick At Night lineup.

Cosby has been heckled several times during his tour. In one performance, a man stood and shouted out to Cosby, “You’re a rapist!” before being removed from the theatre by security. During another performance in Hamilton, Ontario, several members of the audience stood in unison and chanted “We believe the women!”

The final straw reportedly came when, just a few nights ago during a performance, a tired-looking Cosby made a sly reference to a woman in the audience – who had stood up to get a drink during the show – by saying that women will have to ‘be careful’ if they’re drinking anything near him. The crowd reacted with oohs and ahhs, taken aback by the coarseness of the joke.

“I can’t believe he’d make light of raping women like that,” said Jamaica Brown, an audience member. “That’s just disgusting. I don’t know why I even wanted to see him anyway. He ain’t that funny without a Puddin’ Pop in his mouth.”

“I thought it was pretty funny, actually,” said Jim Duggins, who was at the theater to see the performance with his wife of 4 months, Melissa. “Oh, actually, my wife tells me that I was offended by the joke. Sorry, I guess I am upset by it. My wife says rape is never funny, so I’m mad now.”

Initially Cosby’s manager said that the comedian was just ‘overly tired,’ and that he didn’t mean what he said on stage, but then made an official statement this morning, claiming that there was no way that Cosby was ever going to recover from his actions as of late, and that the public would just continue to hate him.

“He didn’t quit the business, per se, but I’m pretty sure his career is just dead in the water after all this,” said Cosby’s manager. “He’s making jokes, on stage, about his rape allegations now. That’s the kind of thing that will kill you. He’s truly committed suicide at this point. Yes, everyone’s favorite sweater wearing TV dad has definitely committed career suicide.”

In a landmark case, the Oregon Supreme Court today decided in favor of Mandy Matthews, an 18-year-old high school cheerleader who sued for the right for an assisted suicide after being dumped by her long-term boyfriend. The court ruled that Oregon’s terminally ill clause was discriminative, and that any adult should have the right to choose when to die, not just the terminally ill.

”This is the happiest I’ve been since Billy dumped me to go out with the stupid slut Becky Beyer,” said Matthews. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy about winning the lawsuit, but my life is still over and not worth living without Billy. I was going to do it right away, you know kill myself, but we have a big game coming up this weekend and I’m the top of the pyramid so I don’t want to let the squad down. So me and my BFF Jill were texting during the court hearings, and we came up with December 2nd as the time for the suicide. That gives us time to plan a going away party for me, and as a plus it’s Billy’s birthday! How’s that for a present?! F— you, Billy!”

Even though the decision from the court just came out a few hours ago, the state has already received 68 online applications for assisted suicide. In the ‘reasons and explanations’ part of the application, 33 applicants responded ‘Divorce’, 15 responded ‘Depression’, 15 responded ‘I live in Oregon’, and 5 responded ‘that stupid slut Becky Beyer.’

The proposed business merger between Kayne West and biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics came to a grinding halt Tuesday, when the first of a brood of cloned guinea pigs were found to have a nearly 90% mortality rate. Of the original 86 live births from a synthetic womb, a full 77 were found to possibly be suicidal.

While initially confused by the trend, science has found an explanation to the phenomenon, although a confusing and disturbing one.

The facility where the cloned animals were to be housed had been equipped with watering systems made of hypoallergenic, germ and virus resistant and highly reflective polished steel cages. According to lab personnel, the guinea pigs were found in groups of three or four a day, drowned in the watering troughs they shared. At first, lab management states, they were confused. Further investigation using low-light cameras revealed that the animals were, in fact, voluntarily placing their heads in the trough and staying underwater, apparently only surviving if they passed out and fell over before brain death set in.

Several attempts to alter the water with mood suppressants had failed, and the facility was beginning to lose hope on solving this puzzle. Finally, in an act of mercy, one employee removed one of the suicidal animals, which is strictly against lab policy. Planning to give it a happy home in it’s final days, the nameless employee placed it in an unused fish tank. Providing it with a plastic bowl of water and some fresh hay daily, the employee was amazed to find that the guinea pig was dry and alert every morning, in contrast to the wet and stunned symptoms they had all displayed daily. Upon alerting facility staff to the find, experimentation started and quickly found the source of the lemming-like behavior.

“We were able to narrow the issue down to one of housing,” stated a lab PR agent. “In the facility’s case, we have water troughs with highly reflective surfaces on the bottom, which allow the rodents to gaze at their own reflection. They were failing to come up for air and had shown an alarming tendency towards self-destruction. Upon covering the trough bottoms with non-reflective surfaces, the remaining specimens lost all interest in death, and enjoyed their nice hay and snuggles.”

“We know now that playing God with Kayne West’s genetic material may have been too bold a step for us. There are powerful drives in his genes, chief amongst which is the desire to stare at one’s reflection to the point of ignoring all pain and disorientation.”

The research company has refused to issue comment on the proposed cross of a lobster with Lindsey Lohan to create a lifeform prone to voluntarily throwing itself into a pot of boiling water.

In a case that has millions divided, the Supreme Court made a decision recently in Hobby Lobby v. Burwell, ruling that the Hobby Lobby corporation has the right, due to the company’s sternly held religious beliefs, not to cover the acts of abortion or any sort of contraception to their employees via their offered insurance plans.

“The arguments have been made, and so has the decision.” Says Hobby Lobby CEO David Green. “We believe that a women’s body is the property of the Almighty, and if he wants them to be pregnant, who are we to say differently?”

“This is an extremely big win for us, and for God Himself.” Says Ryan Silver, a representative for Hobby Lobby. “Any form of birth control or an abortion are abominations unto God. People really need to lay off this ‘women’s rights’ crap. It seems that nowadays women feel like they should be treated as equally as men, and that is just wrong according to God Himself!”

Curiously, there are several things included in the coverage for Hobby Lobby employees that would rarely, if ever, be covered under any normal insurance plan.

“Upon review of the Hobby Lobby’s documentation from their insurance, there are a lot of, shall we say, abnormalities?” Says Mark Bertollini, CEO of Aetna Insurance. “There are clauses in the fine print that enable someone be covered for self-euthanization. So if you work for Hobby Lobby and want to kill yourself, which is a definite possibility, you are covered. Don’t forget to get their life insurance policy as well, though, so your family can get some of your sweet death cash.”

“We know that suicide is a Hell-worthy trespass, but for the people who want to do it, there is no saving them anyway. We feel that just because an employee wants to die and burn in eternal damnation, their family shouldn’t suffer for their own problems. Killing yourself is one thing, but abortion is an entirely different matter. If you want an abortion, you better believe that God has a plan for that unborn, undeveloped egg-cell, and I will do anything in my power to make sure His will be done.”

Other things that are covered in the Hobby Lobby employee insurance plans include ‘Acts of God,’ and ‘Personal Injury or Death Due to Rapture.’ As of the ruling date, anyone who works for Hobby Lobby will be forced to either procure their condoms or birth control by paying out-of-pocket, or be forced to use the tried-and-true method of ‘pulling out’ to avoid unwanted pregnancy.