Driving the Struggle Bus to my Pity Party

I had serious Rangover this week. If you’ve never run a Ragnar, then you have no idea how real Rangover is!

I struggled in coming to terms with my performance in this race. I started having some hip flexor issues and ended up not running my last leg which knocked my ego and pride for a few loops. I could not shake the terrible feelings that I had. I HATE making excuses and even though I knew it was the smart thing to do to protect my training going into Houston; I still felt like I was making excuses for my lack of performance.

I have also been holding on to a lot of disappointment in myself at Rochester. I know that I got a PR. I know that I got 2nd in my age group. I know I should be happy with that. But I went into that race thinking that I needed to run 4:00 or better to be on track for Houston. And whether or not that is true, my brain is still hanging onto that as truth. As a result, I still have lingering feelings of that race being a complete and total failure. (OK….it does sound ridiculous when I write it down, but my mind can be a little ridiculous.)

Aaaaaaand I’m still dealing with the emotional scars from my first psoas injury and the battle to get my fitness back that spanned the hot summer months. I’ve been busy enough in training that there hasn’t been much time for all this to bubble to the surface.

Oh, and now that Ragnar was over, I had nothing to distract me from the fact that Houston is LESS THAN 90 DAYS AWAY. I may have wondered out loud why in the world I thought I could ever BQ and that I was stupid for even trying. Yeah, I know.

Honestly, I wanted a break between Ragnar and the remainder of my Houston training. I was getting pretty tired and I know how much good just a little rest does for my body and my mental state. I was relieved when I first saw that Brent had included these few days of rest in my schedule. But I was SO disappointed with *my* Ragnar performance. Our team got 3rd and I think that made it worse because I felt like if Kelly and Brent hadn’t been as tired from running my mileage, we could have probably snagged 2nd. Here I was coming off yet another disappointing race performance and then I had to sit ALL WEEK. It was the perfect storm.

By mid-week, I was to the point that I was not dealing well at all with all my emotions. I fell COMPLETELY apart. I am usually so controlled and so good at holding things together, but I could not redirect my thoughts no matter how hard I tried. Yesterday, I had a complete and total meltdown at work FOR THE ENTIRE DAY. My coworkers that knew about it were shocked and scared, I’m sure, because I NEVER cry and I rarely lose it. Our counselor came strolling by mid-morning during one of my many mini-breakdowns during the day and wanted to discuss, but I wasn’t in ANY mood to discuss ANYTHING at that moment. In fact, I wasn’t planning on being in a mood to discuss anything at anytime during the rest of the day. But she has figured me out pretty well so she cornered me at lunch (I literally had NO escape). And 1,000,000 counselor-y questions later, she had actually calmed me down and helped me come to a point of acceptance (kind-of) about my recent race performances. (So, thank you, Julia!! Even though I was super irritated with you at the time and might have thrown daggers toward you had any been in my pocket!)

Basically, she said that maybe my expectations in certain situations are unrealistic. Ragnar, for example: I didn’t really have a lot of control over what my hip flexors did yet I was beating myself up for making a decision that protected my long-term plan. So my expectation that I should be able to “do it all” in that situation was unrealistic. I’ll admit that she was probably right. In addition, I think the fear of failure at Houston was a big part of it, too. The closer it has gotten; the more my anxiety has grown. I have A LOT of anxiety about not being able to meet my goal.

After our discussion, I felt better but still had a few meltdowns throughout the day. I got a good night’s sleep and even though I still don’t feel completely over it, I have felt much better today!

The mental game is the hardest

Before this week, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the mental aspect of training and racing. I am able to keep myself focused and calm and I don’t talk negatively to myself during workouts and races. So maybe I have that part covered.

It’s the after workouts (and especially after races!) where I need to improve. I must stop second guessing and over-analyzing my misses in every race and every workout, because I do a lot of that. I need to find a balance between self-reflection and honest criticism versus the unrealistic expectations that Julia mentioned. And Brent was right, too. I do put too much pressure on myself.

I think I have some ways in which I can improve.

Instead of not being able to move on from a disappointing performance, I am going to find something that I can work on to get better. I already had one from Rochester that I was planning to try during my next half marathon in two weeks: getting out of the aid stations more quickly and not keeping my head down as much – I need to look farther ahead instead of getting lost in my thoughts.

As far as putting pressure on myself – I think a lot of this is coming from this BQ attempt. I mean, that’s A LOT of pressure to perform. I have ONE shot. It isn’t like I can pick another marathon a couple weeks later and try again. That, in itself, is a lot of pressure. Plus, I just don’t know how I will react if I miss at Houston. The fear of failing is real and completely overtakes me sometimes. So how can I deal with it? I’m not sure. I think I am going to 1) get rid of the hashtag #roadtoHouston (…does talking about it increase the amount of pressure I feel?) 2) just focus on one workout at a time and 3) try not to think about it. I’ll be spending quite a bit of time trying to master #3.

Finally, I just need to believe in myself. I have a hard time doing that.

My friends are better than yours

I am SO BLESSED with so many good friends. I can’t close without giving them a shout-out. Kelly, who ALWAYS has my back and Carmen, who is honest enough with me not to put up with my whiny-ass bullshit. And of course, Brent! He doesn’t put up with my whiny-ass bullshit either. I know I’ve missed people. But this if for ALL you guys that believe in me when I don’t really believe in myself (which is sadly, too often) – THANK YOU!!