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Month: June 2010

I’ve had another of those epiphany type experiences again. In my struggles with Bipolar, I find the most frustrating thing is trying to control my emotions and quiet the voices in my head. But maybe I’m not supposed to control anything. It’s all part of my nature, and really who I am. I think somethings in life your not meant to understand nor control.

So quite simply, I have to be happy with who I am, and take things as they come. That part will be the hardest I think. Because whenever I become emotionally invested in something, I tend to either become obsessive or I keep it at a distance.

I guess I just want a happy medium.

God I hope that’s possible. Because I don’t want to remain so seperated for as long as I have. It’s safer on my own, but I’m hoping for a real human connection, and finding that happy place if possible.

Not one single thing or person can make me happy, but they sure can help. I can’t have what I really want, but I think wanting things is the problem. So I guess I’ll have to make do with what I have and who I am.

Stay true to myself, those I love and my quest. The risks are worth the potential rewards.

Life lacks meaning if you don’t have dreams to chase. Something bigger than just the here and now. If we get trapped in the familiar “routine” I think it’s easy to become lost and things can easily become stagnant.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t gonna be one of those “life is awesome” type blogs. I’m not really a naturally positive person, but it’s something I work on and aspire to try and do every single day. There’s too many negatives anyone could focus on if we choose to, be it bills, career, money, love or whatever. But I try and find something positive to focus on everyday.

For me it’s the writing. I’ve been writing so much this past 2 weeks that I find myself excited to jump on the computer and just writing. I don’t even necessarily work on the same thing everyday. I just go where the inspiration takes me. It’s a great feeling.

It also proves a distraction from other things. I’ve discovered that some secrets should stay exactly that way, for there are consequences to every action even if things are said with the best of intentions. You cannot control everything and I suppose you have to be willing to be brave and take some risks. But for me, it all comes back to that old saying “You don’t know what you had until it’s gone”

I will elaborate later perhaps. I’m still undecided on what exactly my course of action will be.

I know I want to leave Melbourne. I feel like i’ve outstayed my welcome and to be honest I don’t feel safe here anymore. This is no longer the place I grew up in. Crime and violence are rampant and sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

It’s no way to live.

So I have no attachments here in Melbourne, so if I’m going to “chase my dream” and get out of here, now’s the time to do it. It’s just where to go that’s the question. Perhaps even a seachange is all I need, somewhere away from the metropolitan area of Melbourne, although I’d prefer interstate or overseas.

I don’t ever want to come back. I hate crowds and for the most part, I hate people. It’s sad I know, but it’s who I am. No more pretending I’m something else. I don’t think I’m capable of such things anymore. Too much has happened for it to be any other way.

I miss the sun, and all I want to do is sit in the shade at a park and read. This miserable cold weather is depressing, and I’m desperatly trying to find something… anything to lift my spirits.

When my mind goes to dark places, it really just terrifies me. I wish people could understand. Only some people do, and I can’t even talk to them about it.

Some secrets are best kept locked away, for when secrets are revealed, nothing is ever the same and as much of a relief it was to share them, I wish things would just go back to how they were before.

At least I was miserable for no reason back then. Now I’m just confused, saddened and alone.

It’s hard to find a reason for feeling so misunderstood, but I understand why I don’t share it. Because if you expose yourself too much, the pain find it’s way in so much easier. And it hurts alot more than to suffer in silence.

Quick update on my progress: Doing okay with the quitting smoking thing, although the mood swings are killer. Still staying active, although i’m not going to measure my progress by kilos lost or anything like that, it’s going to be based more on how I feel.I’m not aiming to be a certain weight, just to be happy with how I am.

Well so far, I like to think I’ve been making some real progress, although my moods ain’t always rosy, I’m doing a lot better than I was. I’m writing a whole lot now. More than even I thought I could, so I see the fluctuating moods as a sort of positive, as I use it as a motivating force to achieve some real goals with my writing. In the last week or so, I’ve written in excess of 20,000 words which I love to bits.

I suppose the problem I’m having is my hate for all things Melbourne, and really wanting to start over someplace else. I’m tired of the shitty depressing weather, and not feeling safe outside the house. I want to be somewhere else, and I need to find my own way somewhere completely different. The last time i remember being really happy was when I left in 2000 to move to Tasmania. It was amazing.

So really, I’m just working out exactly where I want to go. I’m torn between what I want, and what I need.
I want more than anything to just throw caution into the wind and chase a dream, but im not entirely convinced that it will work. But what’s life without a little risk eh? Everyone I’ve spoken to, besides one friend has told me to just go. Do it. But I still have my doubts. I’m not scared to fail, but the problem is in failing somewhere far away is i’m away from anything that could even remotely resemble a “Support Network” which is funny because I don’t really share anything with anyone, so it wouldn’t be any different there than it would be here. There are a couple of people I’d love to be closer with, but it’s not always easy, and trying to get off the cigarettes hasn’t made controlling my moods even easier.

When I’m in a “mood” my natural instinct is to hide/push people away/run.There are a couple of people in my life, who are making a real effort in helping me let them in, but if I do that then they can hurt me, and I don’t know if I want that. But living your life alone is the pits. I know what I want, but its the actual achieving it that is proving to be the obstacle. I’m not scared to try, and fail. Its trying and having it work that is the scariest part. If I have someone special in my life, how exactly do I go into everything that has been rattling around in my head for the past 15 years. I can write wonderful poetry, and I can express myself in writing, but having those words pass my lips is harder than I ever imagined.

I try have to evolve and advance as a human, and learn from my mistakes. If there is an underlying theme in all the problems with my life it’s my obsessions.

I’m naturally obsessive.It has its positives and negatives. As a positive, it allows me to really focus on things and get an amazing amount of work done, but negatively, once something gets stuck in my head, it becomes all I can think about. I cant stop thinking about it, and this includes girls at times. I don’t very often feel anything real for someone, I’m more prone to infatuations and lusting. I get bored very quickly. But when I really care it’s terrible. I find myself leaping in excitement every time my phone makes a noise, just in case its from her. And I hate being so out of control.

The problem is when you take something too seriously, you stop being yourself. It is what it is, and you can’t change any outcome, as much as you’d like to. Deep down, I don’t like complications, I like things being pretty easy going. But I have to be completely honest when I say… I complicate EVERYTHING. And I hate that I do. I’m an all or nothing guy. And I latch on more than I’d like to, I suppose its because I rarely do it, that it comes on like it does. I get close, then I push them away. It’s what I’ve always done. And I see myself doing it, and I still do it. But I’m trying to change. I’ve already made some changes compared to what I used to do. I try and sort problems out, instead of leaving it alone and obsessing about how much of a fuckup I am, I try and clear the air and stumble through trying to explain my feelings, even though I can’t always find the words…

I am what I am, I like who I am but I have my moments when I doubt myself a lot of the time. I feel off positive energy, but once the negative energy tends to fester deep down and I can’t stand it, thats why I always try and surround myself with positive infulences, and try (as much as I can) to talk to people whom I want to, the problem is when people want me to open up and I can only stand them in small doses. It takes all the willpower I have not to tell them to “Fuck Off”

Negative people always drag you down, and you pay too much attention to them. They become a focus instead of focusing on things that bring you joy, happiness and wisdom. I’m trying to grow, and evolve as a person, and I’m starting to realize, that I don’t have any time for you if you drag me down. Regardless of history, if you’re slowing killing me, it’s time to say goodbye. Sadly, some friends have an agenda. Some like to keep you down so they can take advantage and try and pick you up. Some keep you down to make themselves feel better. Some just need someone to bitch and moan to, and only really care about themselves.

We all deserve happiness and passion for our lives and those in it. I’m working out for myself who I want to keep in my life, I’d rather have no friends than some who only bring me down, not lift me up. Besides my sister, I don’t have anyone else I’d want to stay around for. I think it’s why the idea of leaving is so appealing to me. Perhaps it’s my fault for building so many walls. Sure there are people I’d love to know better, and perhaps i’d feel differently, but i can’t stay for sure.

So I’m chasing a dream.

To be happy, creative and free from all this negative energy. Life is far too short to waste on shit that makes us miserable. If anything i’m in a position to make a change, as I dont have anything keeping me here, not anymore.

I’ve been writing up a storm, and this quitting smoking thing is going well.. Besides the early morning cravings, I’m not having much trouble at all. I think I just had to really want to stop, and since I’ve stopped making excuses, it’s a lot easier that I thought it was. At tge end of the day, we all have power. And we all have a choice.

It’s strange, and while I’m a little hesitant to announce it, it’s really empowering taking some charge and doing some of the things I’ve always wanted to do.

Quitting Smoking

Getting fit again. Started going for 2k jogs in the early morning. It’s cold, so it keeps me motivated. Plus I feel great afterwards.

Getting my novel finished.

Get the hell out of Melbourne. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Somewhere new, fresh and free from memories, temptations and misery. I suppose I really just want o start over. I’m not really a people person, and somewhere quiet is even more appealing with every passing day.

It’s strange feeling different. I’ve always dwelled on the past. I suppose in a way, I liked being unhappy. It made me feel alive. But by wanting more for myself and by aspiring towards something better, I finally know what I’m supposed to do. Or I at least have some idea which sure beats wandering so aimlessly before.

Being positive really does make a difference. By removing the negative influences, and embracing that which makes me happy has only been a good thing for me. I’m feeling much better. While I’ll always be a little ‘crazy’, I feel alot more in control. I’m always an all or nothing guy, always have been, always will be.

I am who I am. Madness and all, what you see is what you get.

Slowly but surely, the walls are being taken down and the masks are being cast aside. Like both of those things had their purposes, and I suppose I’m not so sure I need all of them anymore.

I still have those insecuity, and to most people, my secrets. I think in a way I always will, it makes those whom I love more valuable as opposed to dealing with everything on my own as I always used to do.

It’s in how I deal with things that I’m trying to change. While I still enjoy a drink, I’m no longer drinking when my mind is in a dark place. I’m trying hard to embrace that which fills me with joy, and I’m finding my passion for creativity and those that really matter is returning tenfold.

From this point on, I will try and dedicate my life to a few simple tenets.

I’ve finally reached that ending point. Enough is enough and it’s time for a change. I’ve been unhappy for so long that anything different is almost alien to me. But I don’t want it to be that way, so it’s not going to be.

As part one of a multiple part series, the first thing I’ve decided to do is Quit Smoking.

I’m into day 3 of quitting, and I’m definitely craving but apart from the occasional massive craving it’s not so bad. Mood swings are a killer, and I can’t help but feel I’ve already been over reacting, but it should get easier. I know I haven’t burnt any bridges so it could always be worse.

Now over the next few weeks, this will become the first of what I hope to be many different changes.

I’ve been deciding if I should “chase a dream” and this is what I’m doing. All the things I always felt powerless in changing or simply unwilling to do, I’m not going to make excuses any longer.

I’ve decided it’s time to actually start making my life better. Because it won’t happen by itself. I’m hoping that once I’ve sorted out the things I can control, that everything else will fall into place.

Maybe once I’ve taken control of everything else. Maybe, just maybe then I’ll be ready.