PlanetFargo

Mike Sliszowski on Battlefield: 1942

When it comes to Battlefield: 1942, the tank is like a good woman. She's always there for you. You can take her places. She draws a crowd. And she's got a big pair of guns.

Tanks are perfect for taking and holding a command point, but like any woman you gotta use 'er right. So here are the tank basics, right? First of all, as you can see on the chart to the lower right, two guys can use the tank, a driver and a gunner. Riding shotgun on the tank is cool but you've got a shorter lifespan than bubble wrap in a Kindergarten. Everyone is going to try their best to pop you like a pimple. You know how it works. Have you ever had a tank rolling at you but you didn't have a bazooka? That's right, you went ahead and killed the gunner. But that's like going to a party at the Playboy mansion and sleeping with the caterer -- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU CAME FOR!

Important tank schematics.

But I digress. We were talking about how to use a tank. Here's what you do: FIRST, you keep moving. A tank standing still is known, in military circles, as a practice target. Next, you only attack with support. Use that little map in the corner of the screen, the one the Smacktards ignore, to make sure you've got lots of little friendly arrows guarding your flanks. The rear and sides of your tank aren't armored very well. The point is for infantry to watch your back so that some Yay-hoo with a bazooka doesn't sneak around and ram a hard one up your be-hind like [Editor's note: Sliszowski's metaphor was deemed unfit for publication.]

Along those lines, you want to learn to attack from a distance. I've watched yay-hoos drive a tank right in the middle of an enemy base to start shooting people point blank. Sure, it sounds cool during the eulogy, but the truth is the grenades start flying all over like pills at a rave and in no time flat some jackhole is attaching a rocket launcher to your exhaust pipe. No, you have the best ground-based weapon in the game, just hang back and shell those pissants from a distance. Take out all their vehicles and anyone caught in the open, and let the infantry run up and take the flag. Once you know nobody is left hiding in any of the buildings to pop out behind you, move up and guard the flag from a counter-attack until the base is comfortably yours. THAT'S HOW WARS ARE WON, NUMBNUTS!

The Engineer

A good engineer can turn a single tank into the Dick Clark of mechanized infantry.

I like to play as an engineer precisely because the Smacktards don't. And I'll tell you the truth, they're all but useless when they're not driving a tank. You start with a rifle that will fire approximately one bullet each year of the conflict.

BUT, you put that same potato-peeling sonofabitch into a tank and it's a whole new game. See, in any tank battle, the winner is usually damaged and the loser is blown to bits. That damaged tank doesn't do much good and usually gets torched in its next battle. UNLESS an engineer hops out and fixes it. The Engineer can completely fix a burning tank faster than he can reload his rifle. I'm not kidding. So, a tank with an engineer is as good as having four or even five tanks.

A tank with an engineer suddenly becomes like Cher -- year after year after year after year and she's still somehow got all the good jubbly bits.