SEX IN MARRIAGE: ARE THERE LIMITS?

April 16, 2015

While in the heat of a previous post on whether SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY is a primary factor in deciding the fate of a relationship, and how this can be judged, a friend opened a chat with me on BBM asking of my opinion on some forms of sex in marriage.

The sanity of some forms of sex, such as oral and anal sex, and other sexual acts like mutual masturbation, using sex toys, BDSM, pornography among others, engaged in by couples has been questioned, especially in the light of a godly/Christian marriage.

I recently stumbled on a picture that depicted what your reaction as a husband should be on your wedding night when your wife takes your genital and sticks it inside her mouth. It stated that you should withdraw it, sanctify yourself with the blood of Jesus, then initiate a deliverance to be done for your wife. This is to insinuate that oral sex is ungodly and irreligious, or in other words, demonic.

I must iterate at this point that the opinion in this post is from a reference point of the Holy Bible. Of course, few people really care what God’s thoughts on these acts are before indulging in them, even while being just “friends-with-benefits”, and they ask why should it be a big deal in a marriage of all situations?

One of the comments made by a person on the post SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY, after telling us about his sex life, his sexual relations with his exes and other ladies, said, “…But now I imagine a guy is a person like me, who would not have sex without foreplay that includes a blowjob!. I for one can’t compromise that wonderful aspect and sacrifice it for “ETERNITY ” with some1.(That’s the limit to my selflessness). Pls, how do we reconcile this after marriage????”

If you find yourself with a partner having such a stand, and you are seeking wise and godly counsel, and you want to know if agreeing to indulge in a form of sexual practice, or probably even following through with some of their own sexual fantasies will amount to offending God, please read on.

Before I opine on what I believe is right, it is very important to state the following;

1. Every couple’s sexual life is between the both of them and God who they glorify with the act. No one, no pastor, no counsellor can be a referee in your matrimonial bed/room, couch or wherever you do it.

It is more like the case in the bible where some people believed that eating everything (vegetables and meat) was not wrong since God is the creator of everything, while others believed that eating meat was wrong because they considered it as unclean. So you will notice that they were both doing the things that were antithetical to each other (eating and not eating) while honouring God based on their levels of understanding. So your decision on what you do or what you do not do must be backed and motivated by a sense of glorifying God; not self-gratification or satiation, and here, the decision must be jointly made with your partner.

2. Secondly, somethings in the Bible are not tagged as forbidden, meaning they are not wrong. But under some circumstances, they could be termed as sin or condemned as wrong probably for health or communal reasons.

3. Thirdly, some things in the old testament of the Bible do not hold anymore, not because the old testament is any less than the new, but because the coming of Christ has fulfilled what brought about such.

A good example of this as it relates to what we are discussing is the issue of having sex with your wife while she’s menstruating (on her monthly period). Three different verses in the book of Leviticus plainly forbids this, because of the value that was placed on blood during that period; the atonement of their sin was solely on the blood of animals, but Christ took that away already, settling it once and for all. So, having sex during your wife’s monthly period is not wrong, but it is a different thing if she does not consent to it. Forcing her or going against her will is scripturally wrong. You will see more on that later.

Having said this, here is my opinion.

After marriage, the Bible said “and the two shall become one flesh“, you henceforth own each other’s body. Therefore, we can say you have the right to do whatever with each other, as you both please; so long as it does not show one partner lording it over the other.

Paul had a good way of saying this, “The husband should fulfil his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfil her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor 7:3-5)

Sex is the act of making love – where you seek to satisfy each other’s needs; if it is not by mutual consent, then it as good as rape, which is not glorifying to God. This goes beyond the question of if it is permitted by God; but actually, does it please or hurt your partner?

Even though the bible does not mention that the act of giving a blowjob or giving head (fellatio or cunnilingus) is wrong, the love code in 1 Cor 13 has something to say, “Love does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking (It does not insist on its own way)”.

Incontrovertibly, you no longer have a right to your own body and must fulfill your partner’s sexual needs; but if your partner sees it as dishonor to their body oryou keep insisting on how you want it done, it ceases being love and hence, it is no longer acceptable in the sight of God. And remember they have as much right over your body in sex as you do over theirs.

I am sure that the above point has also dealt with the issue of BDSM (Bondage & Disciple, Dominance Submission, Sadism & Masochism) i.e. the introduction of handcuffs, spanking, blindfolds, role play, edge play etc. For all the lovers like the dude in 50 shades of Grey, if your partner finds pain erotic as well, good for you, but if not, pressuring him/her will be unkind and not being kind is wrong and against biblical standards.

To answer the question of pornography in marriage.

YOUR PARTNER ALONE IS PERMITTED TO BE THE OBJECT OF YOUR PLEASURE.

I know you can guess where I am headed with this. A lot of people have asked if it is okay for married couples to watch porn together, or even separately for the sake of education or enlightenment. If we go by what the scripture teaches, that will be violating the love code God prescribed for us.

“…Rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Prov 5:18-19“

Solomon said you should be intoxicated and satisfied only by your own wife, only her breast should arouse and satisfy you. But if Solomon’s words are not convincing enough, Jesus in His first public sermon said these words “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt 5:28” Any other woman except his wife.

If you want to ask about swapping/swinging partners or bringing in an extra (threesome/foursome) even if your partner agrees to it, that is adultery and is not acceptable according to what the Bible says.

What about ANAL SEX?

I need to add this last point which I believe is very important, something I learnt from a post on DESIRING GOD, titled Is Oral Sex okay? <-Click to read.

Any form of sex that is UNNATURAL is wrong biblically. As the post further explained, this point is quite tricky, because how do you judge what is natural and what is not.

Even though the human anatomy is designed in a way that we just know what is meant to fit where, and the natural use of our genitals, there is still some form of vagueness over some, for instance, a woman’s breast is meant to raise a baby, but in the book of Proverbs and Songs of Solomon, the breast was portrayed as a sexual figure.

I won’t claim to have answers to what is natural and what is not, I’m adding this point especially in the case of ANAL SEX.

If we go by the second submission I made before sharing my opinion on this subject, Anal sex is neither healthy nor safe, it increases the risk of tissue damage, infection, and the transmission of STDs. Having said that, even though it might not be sinful as long as there is mutual consent according to 1 Cor 7:5, it is not advisable medically.

To drive this point home on a more practical level, I hope we remember Miss B, the married lady that made a comment on the post SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY, stating that sex should focus more on satisfying your partner…., I am sure her contribution will answer the rest of your questions, especially if you find yourself in such a situation. Here it is;

“Well, it is simple. In this case, boundaries for me could differently be boundaries for you. How would you identify what is what?…The Holy Spirit. We serve a gracious God that when we do anything that is not according to His will, He is gracious enough to correct us through the person of the Holy Spirit.

As a Christian and a lawyer, I’m so well inclined with the influences of having laws. When the bible says that Jehovah has delivered us from the law into grace why are we then trying to make laws that we cannot fulfil only by grace? Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Haba.

Now anything that inflicts pain on another and the spouse believes isn’t right for them, it is therefore required that they communicate and if the other spouse doesn’t want to comply now that is the place of the Holy Spirit to intervene. But that’s another discussion for another question.

There are certain things that I wasn’t aware of that my hubby taught me. I wasn’t going on saying, ahhh that’s a sin- no way I’m not doing that!” Loool. If I tried certain things and I don’t like it or I’m not feeling it, I tell him and we switch it up and look forward to another thing. Let me tell u the truth, sex can be boring. God knows why He gave us certain spots that incite pleasure aside from our private parts. I.e. The neck, the feet, etc.. it is up to you to utilise it but let’s be real sex itself is a carnal act.

There is no way you are having sex and feel the anointing and start speaking in tongues and chasing demons. It’s not an act in which your spirit is aroused. It satisfies our soul, our emotion; so in itself, it is an avenue which God has provided so that couples can glorify Him by serving each other’s needs. It is often advised that married couples, after having disagreements should also engage in, as we call it, “makeup sex”. Sex is a powerful act when done right. However, it takes the leading of the Holy Spirit to enjoy sex to its fullest. This is coming from a novice to now the opposite if I may say- I’m mindful of not allowing your imagination paint the picture.”

I hope this post has delivered at least what was intended. Please feel free to share your opinion and questions as a comment, and of course, my contact details are right there below.

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TeeAbraham, which is his pen-name, is a man of diverse passions. He currently holds a bachelors degree in Electrical and Elec­tronic Engineering and also is an avid enthusiast of Social Innovation and Entrepreneurship, Creative Arts and Digital Media. He is the founder of lifegiva.com.

Well, this is a good post, Tolu. Wish you could put the "parental guidance" label on it, cos it's really tricky. Well, a lot has been said and I quite agree with you. I still hold the opinion that we have been exposed to a lot of things in recent times...like alternative methods of having sex. As for the pornography part, I'd love to add that there's a certain illusion that porn creates, giving people the impression that all is safe and nothing can go wrong. In real life marriages, the scenario is different. I wish more married people could comment and guide young and single minds through this. Finally, as regarding sexual preferences, fantasies and proclivities, I believe people who are dating should find a way of discussing what they feel is appropriate within the confines of marriage so that they can agree before saying "I do". This will prevent the high number of divorces stemming from the feeling of "sexual unsatisfaction".

Keep keeping it real, Tolu. I only pray you have not awoken a curious desire in some people's minds.

Arisa. Thanks for your opinion but I'd like to comment on one of them if you don't mind.

First of I'm married and a christian even more a born again, holy ghost filled believer. I do not quiet agree with your stance that courting couples should sit first and dicuss their sexual preferences before saying I do. I mean that is just calling out for trouble in the sense that our minds from then on would be a constant attack in lustful ideas. The new testament points out that we do not have to actually commit the act but think it. Law would call it the Mens rea.

The best advice is that both parties should sit with their marriage counsellor separately and discuss their fears and doubts. It is important that husband and wife to be go into marriage with purity and innocence of this institute. The ability to rely on the holy spirit in everything we do in marriage, how we sort out issues in marriage is paramount.

We are just talking about sex but remember but parties are from different backgrounds and wpuld have different ways of solving an issue. Do u say you have to sit before saying I do to talk about how you both sort out every situation in a journey that is mystery until you both unlock it together? It's illogical and impractical. You just have to yield to the voice of the Holy Spirit!

About porn, I think d act in d porn itself is sin, and as christian either married or not should nt watch such. There are books, I mean christian books dt educate couples to be about sex, A gud example is Act of Marriage. Educating them on how to go about d whole tin, Dis books are raw and I mean raw. N most tyms dey encourage couples who will get married soon btw d space of 1yr to read dose book.

Pornography is one big subject, deeper than people have even realised, I hope to do a proper post on it someday.

Aside from the fact it is wrong, it creates an unrealistic expectation, pornography is an act, more like stunts in movies with directors and instructors. When your partner is unable to match that standard, it becomes an issue, and base your "lack of satisfaction in the bedroom over porn that was staged". You are indirectly doing your marriage no good with every additional porn you watch.

I love this post, first of all, because it touches topics that most people are in doubt about about and are faced with everyday. May God give us greater understanding on these topics. However, note: Until we start to teach ourselves these things within the church, Christians will keep on going outside to learn these things.

Very true dear, I understand the church is scared of exposing our innocent minds, but someone should please tell them that our minds are too exposed already, they should guide our minds instead.
Thanks Demilade :)

This has just done proper justice to the topic and beyond and am sure a lot of christians out there both married and unmarried would do anything to have this knowledge impacted. Thanks so much lifegiva2. More grace and wisdom

Tee...I always enjoy your posts. This is a very interesting topic...and I think you've given the right paths by the very references from the Bible. Furthermore I think if we pick our bibles and read more and also listen to married people that have gone through stuff like this, we would understand more because really acceptability in cases like this is very relative. I pray the Holy Spirit keeps enlightening us.

Wow! alot of christians aproach the issue of sex and when discusssing it, leave you more confused and fustrated than you were before the conversation began. i enjoyed this post. it was witty and funny, but the message is clear. i ptay more christians address this issue head on. and also in a way that is biblical and not condeming. Also i like the fact that you make it clear that its not always the act or position the couple is having sex in, but the motive and factors that go with it.
Heard a story that a pastor told his members that those who have sex in postions oda dan missionary were going to burn in hell.
so please continue discussing issues like this. Christians need to learn that sex in marriage is beautiful and a gift from God. not something associated with guilt and shame.
Thank you.

A very good write up I must say......well done lifegiva. My summary of this is, Sex is a beautiful thing and must be approached with an open mind. Mutual enjoyment and satisfaction should be every couple's goal. Do only what both of you are completely comfortable with.