Social anxiety and other disorders...

Hey! So today I really felt inspired with this kind of stuff, I wanted to tell you some things about me, my daily struggles, etc. I hope you enjoy it.

Okay, where to start? I think it's time we talk more about social anxiety.
According to this website I found, Social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

There you have the actual explanation of it, but, did you really understand it? If you don't have this disorder it would be very difficult to really understand it. Social anxiety is not really common, and it is commonly misunderstood, and I think it is necessary to tell you that: someone shy does not have to suffer this type of disorder, neither does someone introverted. Social anxiety is much more than shyness, it actual fear of being around people.

For me, I constantly am avoiding any social situation, I hate to talk about what I know and what I think. It's hard to look people I don't know in the eyes and it's a struggle to talk with someone and not getting red about anything. And it's really hard to someone to understand that I don't want to go out or talk to the seller, because it gives me a real panic attack. I can't understand how people do it, and I really wish I could, but it's just hard.

I also realy hate when teachers give me a low grade when I don't wanna stand up and talk, or give my opinion, and so on, like can I explain to you that it is not because I didn't payed attention or listened to you and it is just because I'm actually frightened to talk with everyone else staring at me, feeling like they're waiting for me to fail and laugh at me?. I just think that people that don't have this disorder are so ignorant, like, they don't even care.

And, oh my god, tell me if you have these moments too, when you're just laying on bed, like thinking about.. stuff, and you start to realize that you just have to fight it, and that your fear is just so stupid, and you know it, you know that it is the most irrational fear of all, but you just can't deal with it, like you try with all your guts but it doesn't fucking happen?

I don't know, mental ilnesses are hard.
It is very much hard when you have like, so much mental illnesses that are so different, that you don't even know how to express. Like, you're just waiting for it to be good, but you can't put anything together, and you start to feel like you don't even how to feel, and you feel guilty about feeling okay when you think you feel okay. Oh, man, I'm falling in a dark and confusing hole lol. Just tell me if you can relate to this.

Okay, I feel like I just wanted to get that out of my chest, hope you enjoyed (?) or just understood me there. Bye!