CECILIA BRAINARD BLOG: A compilation of articles by Philippine American writer Cecilia Manguerra Brainard. Stop and rest for a while in my blogsite.

Monday, January 6, 2014

My Engineer Story and Other Engineer Jokes

A friend posted the joke about the Engineer and the frog (see below) and I remembered my conversation with my son who's a civil engineer. Our discussion was about the red Mercedes Benz that used to belong to my husband and which I was driving. It had stalled on me a couple of times and I wasn't sure what to do with it.

My son who disliked that car said I ought to get rid of it because it had also stalled on his Dad, and it stalled on me and would continue to do so. He went on to enumerate the problems with the car in the most logical way. He's a civil engineer, after all.

I, a writer, listened carefully and after he finished said, "You know that bottle of holy water from Lourdes that I have? I think I'm going to squirt the car with the Lourdes Water and pray over it."

My son's jaw dropped; he was totally aghast. I didn't know if he would get angry or laugh.

I did put some water in a squirt bottle and squirted that car with Lourdes Water. I drove the car for a few more years without any problem.

My father, brother, son, and a number of friends were/are engineers. I got along with them, although I knew my mind operated in another way. Here are some Engineer Jokes, for your enjoyment. I found these jokes on the internet and the grammar isn't the best --- most likely put up by engineers, not writers.

Engineer Jokes:An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Three men were about to be executed via guillotine (obviously one at a time). Two of the three men were Christians, and the last was an engineer. The first person to be executed was one of the Christians. He made a last request, to face upward towards God. The executioner allowed it and pulled the lever. The blade came down, but suddenly stopped an inch above his neck, saving him. He was spared, because this was an act of God. The other Christian was next and he made the same request, and the same thing happened. The engineer was last, and he also requested to be executed face-up. As he lay there, he looked up and right before they pulled the lever, he said, "Oh, I now see the problem."A fire engineer,who could not speak Arabic, was finding it difficult to market his newly invented fire extinguisher in the Arabian continent. An expert advised him to use pictures. So he proceeded with a three stage demonstration photographs, namely (1) a car on fire , (2) a man fighting the fire with the device, then (3) a clean car. Meanwhile the Arabs read from right to the left, so they avoided the devise completely.An architect, artist and engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with their wives or mistresses. The architect said, "I like spending time with my wife building a firm foundation of a marriage." The artist said, "I enjoy the time I spend with my mistress because of all the passion and energy." The engineer said "I enjoy both. If you have a wife and a mistress, both women think you are with the other so you can go to work get more done."An engineering major sees a classmate riding up on a new bike and asks how he got it. "I was walking back from the computer lab when the most beautiful woman I had ever seen rode up on this bike, stopped, took all her clothes off and said to me 'Take what you want!'" "Good choice," the friend replies. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.

Cecilia Manguerra Brainard is the award-winning author of 10 books, including When the Rainbow Goddess Wept, The Newspaper Widow, Magdalena, Vigan and Other Stories, and Out of Cebu: Essays and Personal Prose. She edited four books, co-edited six books, and co-authored a novel, Angelica's Daughters.
Her work has been translated into Finnish and Turkish; and many of her stories and articles have been widely anthologized.
Cecilia has received many awards, including a California Arts Council Fellowship in Fiction, a Brody Arts Fund Award, a Special Recognition Award for her work dealing with Asian American youths, as well as a Certificate of Recognition from the California State Senate, 21st District, and the Outstanding Individual Award from her birth city, Cebu, Philippines. She has received several travel grants from the USIS.
She has lectured and performed at UCLA, USC, University of Connecticut, University of the Philippines, PEN, Shakespeare & Company in Paris, and many others. She teaches creative writing at the Writers Program at UCLA-Extension.

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Cecilia Manguerra Brainard is the award-winning author of 10 books, including When the Rainbow Goddess Wept, The Newspaper Widow, Magdalena, Vigan and Other Stories, and Out of Cebu: Essays and Personal Prose. She edited four books, co-edited six books, and co-authored a novel, Angelica's Daughters.
Her work has been translated into Finnish and Turkish; and many of her stories and articles have been widely anthologized.
Cecilia has received many awards, including a California Arts Council Fellowship in Fiction, a Brody Arts Fund Award, a Special Recognition Award for her work dealing with Asian American youths, as well as a Certificate of Recognition from the California State Senate, 21st District, and the Outstanding Individual Award from her birth city, Cebu, Philippines. She has received several travel grants from the USIS.
She has lectured and performed at UCLA, USC, University of Connecticut, University of the Philippines, PEN, Shakespeare & Company in Paris, and many others. She teaches creative writing at the Writers Program at UCLA-Extension.