Monthly Archives: May 2014

When my wife and I first met, I was attracted to her personality. I loved her outlook on life and I loved the way that she made me feel when I was with her. I was drawn to her tender heart, enchanted by her great sense of humor, and of course magnetized by our chemistry. I grew to love her based upon these amazing qualities and the guidance of my wise Heavenly Father.

At some point in those first several months, a change occurred. I don’t know when it happened exactly, but my feelings for Tammy matured into an unconditional love. I ceased to care for her based upon how I felt when I was around her. Instead, I chose to love her for who she is and for the special place in my heart that she had taken up residence.

Unconditional love, held hostage by conditional hearts

Within a couple years, the pressures of blending a family and fueling a career began to take their toll on our lives. Stress robbed us of quality time, intimacy, and peace. We still loved each other, but the warm cloak of closeness and tenderness we once enjoyed had become threadbare. An overall selfishness and busyness overshadowed our home.

Did we love each other? Absolutely! We never stopped loving each other. Was love experienced? Was it FELT? Intermittently. Our love for one another was still unconditional, but our demonstration of that love had become very conditional. We handed out loving deposits as if they were a scarce resource that needed to be hoarded. Acts of love and kindness were exchanged based upon mood, stress, and the relative degree of tension or peace in our home. Our unconditional love was held hostage and sparingly demonstrated by self-absorbed, conditional hearts.

Love without boundaries

For those familiar with our story, things got worse before they got better. We came to the brink of divorce before recommitting to God, each other, and our family. A critical part of that renewal involved learning to demonstrate love without boundaries, rules, or conditions.

Early in our renewal process, we attended a weekend marriage conference from Intimate Life Ministries. We learned so much that weekend and truly grew as a couple. One of the exercises walks you through a visualization of seeing your mate as a child of God rather than as your spouse. This was a profound and life-altering experience for us both. In doing so, I learned to love my wife — on one condition.

Unconditional love — on one condition

Loving unconditionally is hard. Some days you just don’t feel loving toward your spouse at all. The epiphany comes when you stop attaching your love to how you feel. Feelings are capricious and unpredictable. My wife’s identity in Christ, on the other hand, is constant. I love my wife because He loved her first.

The one and only condition for my love is that she is a unique creation of my loving Heavenly Father. That identity makes her lovable. That relationship makes her worthy. God knew her before she was born (Psalm 139:13). Before she had a belly button, God had a purpose for her life (Jeremiah 1:5; 29:11). She was God’s child before she was my wife. The single and sufficient condition for my love, is that she is His daughter.

She deserved love and honor long before I ever proposed. It just took me a few years to wake up and realize it.

The Kingdom of God is full of paradoxes. The first will be last. The humble will be exalted. The wise will become fools. To save your life, you must lose it. To receive, you must give. Then it should come as no surprise that this holds true for your marriage as well. Do you want a better marriage? Do you want your needs met and your relationship to be fulfilling? Learn to serve your mate.

Touch is an incredibly powerful sensation. It is sensual, intimate, and essential for life.

Over 40 years of research point to the importance of affection in newborn and childhood development. We are hard-wired to crave physical touch, but all too often this is minimized in a relationship.

As important as touch is, couples tend to assume that if they hug, kiss, and make love, then they have experienced loving affection. WRONG! There is so much more to the magic of touch than that basic menu of options.

As children we wrestled with the concept of truth, relying upon the almighty promise. Anyone could say they would do something, but did they PROMISE? Did they ‘pinky swear’? Or how about: “…cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” We would go to great lengths as children to re-enforce the truth of what we were saying with some sort of linguistic overture.

But what happens when that trust in words has been broken?

Words are tricky

Language is powerful. With it we can communicate thoughts, feelings, and intentions. We can convey knowledge, or reveal ignorance. Through language we can build up, or we can destroy. I wrote previously about the power of words in relationships (Sticks and Stones).

Sometimes, words fail us:

You try to express how you are feeling, but it comes out wrong, perhaps hurting your spouse.

In a moment of frustration you carelessly launch a volley of painful words at your mate.

You construct a web of lies with words in order to manipulate the relationship or hide your sin.

When words fail us, we find ourselves in a predicament. To right a wrong, we tend to rely upon language. To heal a hurt, we typically turn to conversation. To rebuild trust, we often make promises about what we will or won’t do in the future. But if your words have resulted in pain for your spouse. How can you possibly repair the relationship?

Actions are clear

When Tammy and I began to rebuild our own relationship, we quickly ran into a quandary. During marriage 1.0 (what Tammy and I refer to as the early, selfish, skewed version of our relationship) I had made a slew of commitments to Tammy. I told her that I would always honor her. I told her that I would never leave her. I told her that our family was a priority for me. I told her that I would keep her heart safe and protect her. But I violated her trust and replaced those commitments with an internal commitment to look out for myself and no one else. My words had failed me because they no longer carried any weight with my beloved.

As we began to build marriage 2.0 (our new, God-centered relationship), I found it very difficult to convince Tammy that things would truly be different. She didn’t trust me, and I didn’t blame her. So what do you do when your words carry no weight and yet you need to reassure your mate that the path of your new life together will be different? While praying over this, the Lord brought me a very simple and profound message – “You show her that you love her. Talk is cheap, but actions speak louder than words. Best of all, actions never lie.” It was simple, and yet so profound. If Tammy couldn’t trust the things I said, she could learn to trust me by my behavior. Where words had failed me, my patient and loving actions could knit her heart and her trust back together, little by little.

Talk is cheap. Action is priceless.

You will know them by their fruits

Throughout our renewal process, Tammy would repeatedly have doubts and fears crop up. This is natural, because as I have previously written, wounds heal crooked. Each time that Tammy was plagued with doubts about the things I would say and the commitments I would repeatedly make, I pointed her toward my actions to offer reassurance.

I would gently remind her by asking probing questions:

Am I behaving in a loving manner?

Do you see me putting your needs and our family’s needs first?

When I engage you, do you experience love and respect?

You see, not only are words tricky, but our emotions can get the best of us. We can get carried away with doubt, fear, and resentment from years of pain and neglect. So how can we sort it out and see what is true and what is false? The Bible says that you can identify a true heart vs a deceitful heart by looking at its ‘fruit’ (Matthew 7:16-18). So look at your mate’s actions and see if they reflect fruit from a loving heart (I Corinthians 13) and a soul devoted to becoming more Christ-like.

Words can fail you, but actions are clear and incapable of deceit. If you find that it is difficult to rely upon words when renewing and refreshing your marriage, turn towards the power and clarity of action. Instead of promising or swearing or sticking needles in your eye, demonstrate your love through the honor and care you bestow upon your mate. Serve your spouse daily with a selfless, authentic love. Your consistent acts of genuine love and service will resonate more clearly and effectively than any speech could ever hope to accomplish. Words come from the head, but behavior comes from the heart.

Ours is a culture of rabid self-sufficiency. We tend to bestow more honor or respect upon those that are able to strike out on their own and overcome the odds. Some believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness and seeing a counselor is something that only ‘screwed-up’ people do. Well, I have a news flash for you – we’re all screwed up. We are broken people in a fallen world and there is no shame in leaning on others and seeking advice.

Scripture is quite clear on the folly of pride and self-sufficiency:

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18

Moreover, we are repeatedly encouraged to seek counsel and pursue wisdom. Wait a second…I thought this post was gonna be about marriage?? Yep, it is – Your marriage needs a mentor.

Each day I want you to invest every dollar available into an account. Every day.

Some days you may only need to invest a few dollars, but most days you’ll need to set aside 10-12+ dollars.

Like most investments, I need you to be patient and leave these daily deposits alone to grow and mature.

Over the course of each year, you’ll have invested upwards of $4,000 or even more.

In exchange for these deposits, one day a year, you can withdraw a few dollars from the account.

Any takers?…….[Yeah, that’s what I thought.]

My Wife Must Be A Fool

My wife has got to be the worst investor on the planet, because she pours into this non-nonsensical venture year after year after year. Crazy, right?

Now, imagine that instead of investing money every day, you were investing time (after all, time is money). My wife invests her precious time every day of the year. Day after day and week after week, she invests in our marriage and in our family. She gives countless hours (oh wait…I already did the math – 4,000+ hours annually) selflessly to our family. It’s a thankless job and she certainly has her work cut out for her (we are a blended family of 8).

Motherhood – An uncertain, long-term investment

Motherhood has got to be the most foolish investment available. Pour time, money, and energy into a bunch of thankless heathens. Do this every single day. Then, one day a year, mothers get a place of honor. One day a year they get the recognition that they deserve. That’s an awful return on investment.

The real payoff, won’t be seen for years down the road. The outcome is uncertain. The path of a child’s life cannot be predicted. But eventually, the reward for years of loving deposits is experienced in seeing a child reach his or her potential and follow their dreams.

More than “Thank You”

“Thank you” doesn’t begin to do justice to what my wife deserves for her constant sacrifices for our family. One day a year of special honor and gratitude is a meager return on her tremendous investment.

What about the women in your life? Beyond the cards and flowers and meals that you will no doubt shower on the mothers in your life, make it a point to convey to them your genuine gratitude and respect in an authentic way. Thank them today. Honor them today. Then find a way to step up your game the other 364 days a year and shower them with the love and respect that they so richly deserve.

Last week was difficult for my wife. She was struggling more or less the entire week with doubts, fears, and unwelcome reminders of pain from our past. Worst of all? I missed it.

How did I miss it?

Tammy needed me to come alongside her and provide spiritual and emotional support to wage a battle in her mind, and I missed it. How, might you imagine, could I miss such a thing?

That’s what happens when you don’t talk to each other!

Talk to each other? We talk daily. We pray daily. We are each other’s best friend and have cultivated a very close relationship. We text each other constantly, chat online throughout the day, and talk to each other on the phone. Lack of communication was hardly the reason I missed my wife’s battle.

OK, so you talked, but you weren’t really listening.

That’s certainly a possibility. I have been known to “nod knowingly” while being otherwise engaged in my brain. Last week, however, this wasn’t the case at all. We talked daily and I DID listen. I was very much aware on a day-to-day basis that my bride was encountering challenges. Each time she shared, I offered support and encouragement as a good husband and friend should do.

You probably offered solutions instead of support.

Good thinking. Men commonly fall into the trap of attempting to solve a problem for their wife rather than lending an ear and being supportive. Chalk it up to having a marriage counselor for a father and being a student of communication and relationships for much of my life, but I didn’t succumb to this common pitfall! I did not try to ‘fix’ the situation for her.

I missed the forest!

Very simply, I was aware of and dealt with the trees in my wife’s heart last week. But I completely missed the forest! Each day I was aware of challenges that she experienced and I dutifully supported her to the best of my ability. The problem is that I didn’t recognize the pattern. It wasn’t until the end of the week that I put all of the pieces together and realized that she was feeling attacked mentally and spiritually almost every day!

On Friday, I sat down with a couple of Christian brothers to share our respective weeks and how we could pray for one another. I began to describe my week and it all clicked into place! I realized that Tammy hadn’t just had a rough day or two, but that nearly every day that week she had been waging a mental battle against doubt, fear, and pain. As I posted a couple weeks ago, wounds heal crooked. I have come to accept that it isn’t a smooth or predictable process. Consequently, I eagerly lent a sympathetic ear to my lovely wife, but I missed the bigger picture.

Last week, Tammy needed more from me than just a sympathetic ear or a comforting shoulder. She needed more than a husband who was available to be supportive and encouraging. She needed a champion. She needed for me to roll up my sleeves and tackle these painful memories and looming fears directly and completely. She was experiencing a chronic episode of doubt and fear that I was treating as acute, isolated obstacles.

Deal with the forest AND the trees

The Trees: Communication in your relationship is critical to building intimacy. You need to talk every day and be aware of the highs and lows that each of you is experiencing.

The Forest: Your relationship also needs perspective. You and your spouse need to take time (weekly, monthly, etc.) to look at your relationship and your family dynamics from a broader perspective. Identify trends, recognize patterns, and put your heads together to deal with opportunities and threats that you uncover.

Once I recognized the broader forest of challenges that my bride was wrestling with, I sprung into action. I made a concerted and comprehensive effort to come alongside her heart and wage a war against the FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) that was plaguing her mind with lies.

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, – II Corinthians 10:4-5 (ESV)