The whispered words radiated out in waves of malevolence, like heat rising from a country blacktopped road in midsummer. The air vibrated with a pregnant sense of malice, shifted, then swirled in ghostly forms around her.

An unexpected mental vision of a deadly snake intent on its victim slivered in her mind, and Tara Layne shifted her gaze to the ground, hoping no snake would materialize.

Was this Montana land holding its breath, waiting? Waiting for what would come next? Waiting to see what she would do?

A sense of evil washed over her, and she shivered. Parts of the blue sky peeked through the tree branches, yet beneath those branches the light seemed to have dimmed. Had it? No leaves stirred. The chirping birds, the clattering insects, hushed, as if an early evening had set in.

She leaned forward and strained to hear.

Nothing.

No more stuttering words.

Yet someone was out there.

Tara eyed the northwest forest. Brian Jamieson’s private hunting and entertainment grounds. She slowly spun in a circle. No sign of human inhabitants. As far as she could tell, Hickory, her pet mouse, was the only living creature around-other than herself.

Who had breathed those words a moment ago?

Someone close by.Would You Read On?

Last weeks submission was the Firstpage of Stolen Woman, the first in a series of 3 Christian suspense/romance novels on international human trafficking and missions. Find out more at www.stolenwoman.org, or check out Kimberly's blog at www.stolenwoman.blogspot.com.

20 comments:

It feels a little too melodramatic to me. At least...I need to know what I'm getting into. Is this a real life villian, a demon, a fantasy kind of villian? If it is a fantasy or demon and is supposed to me this dramatic, let me know so that I can adjust my reading expectations. If this is a human vilian give me a clue maybe by making it a bit less dramatic and giving a hint that this fearful occurance has grounds in reality. I would read on if I knew how to react as a reader. The premise is interesting.

I don't like being plunged into such an intense situation without knowing anything about the character. This page tells us literally nothing about the character except that she's female and she's scared. Why should I care?

Also, it's not clear whether the evil is human, animal, supernatural, or what. I don't know what kind of story I'm getting into, so I would probably put it down.

If this is suspense, and I'm guessing it is, I want to get socked right between the eyes with the suspense. I don't want any extra description, metaphors, etc. Not in the opening pages of suspense. And the whole pet mouse really snatches me away from the suspense. So, for me, tightening all this would creep me out in a wonderful and good way:The whispered words radiated out in waves of malevolence. The air vibrated with a pregnant sense of malice.Was this Montana land holding its breath, waiting? Waiting for what would come next? A sense of evil washed over her, and she shivered. She leaned forward and strained to hear.Nothing. No more stuttering words.Yet someone was out there.Tara eyed the northwest forest and slowly spun in a circle. No sign of anyone. Who had breathed those words a moment ago? THIS would grab me a lot quicker, and I wouldn't be concerned about where I was or anything else. I'd be afraid for you immediately!

I absolutely agree with Linda Glaz! As the page now stands, it's overwritten--too much. And I have to confess, the pet mouse thing really confused me. It suddenly sounded like a children's book; my mind went to Beatrix Potter. If there's going to be a mouse, I need to be prepared for it.

Having said that, I'd encourage the writer to re-work it because she/he has a gift for suspense!

I agree on the overwritten part. I also don't like not knowing the character. Why should I care if she's scared if I don't know who she is? The use of "human inhabitants" tends to lend itself to a sci-fi kind of feel, but I didn't get that from the rest of the writing.

I wouldn't continue as is, but Linda's rewrite makes it more appealing.

Probably wouldn't read on. I think the second paragraph could be dropped - it is more author, less character. I'd like to see her reaction to the words. Or her reaction to the words. In order for me to care, I'd need to know what she supposedly saw,

Perhaps showing the scene first, then the voice scaring her would have a stronger impact.

Yes, I’d read more. The first page has me curious about this character, Tara. She seems young and imaginative. The first page gives me the impression she is out of her comfort zone in a new territory of some kind and walking into danger. Tara’s story seems like it will be filled with suspense and imagery.

Nope. It's too wordy. I like literary terms as much as the next person but it feels like there's too many of them here. Similes, metaphors, and personification all within the first few paragraphs. It's slowing down the story. If you're going to have a high pressure situation and you want things to feel intense, not overly dramatic, they need to get into things a little more quickly.

If I had picked this up at a bookstore or library, I would have stopped reading where the air vibrated, shifted & swirled. I would have spent about 30 seconds trying to figure out what that looked like ... & put the book back on the shelf. Unless, of course, the back cover was so intriguing I couldn't resist reading a bit more, just in case it started getting better.

I must be stubborn, Diana, because I would read on to find out who was talking. However, I would need more complete sentences and a few less trips to the thesaurus,or I wouldn't go on to page 3.Nancy Miller

MEET THE HARTLINE AGENTS

Joyce Hart, Owner and principal agent

Joyce Hart, owner and principal agent of Hartline Literary Agency has been a literary agent for more than a decade. She was formerly the vice president of marketing of an inspirational publishing company and as the president of Hartline Marketing has nearly thirty-two years of successful experience marketing and promoting books. Joyce has been a pioneer in selling high-quality fiction to the inspirational market and has built an excellent rapport with leading inspirational publishers. A member of ACFW, and the National Association of Professional Women, Joyce is a graduate of Open Bible College, Des Moines, IA now merged with Eugene Bible College in Eugene, Oregon. Joyce is based at Hartline Literary's Pittsburgh headquarters.

Terry Burns. Agent

Terry has been with the Hartline agency for over ten years, over six years as an agent, and has a substantial list of clients, a growing list of credits, and a reputation for presenting to conferences all over the country. Terry comes from a writing background, has over 40 books of his own in print, most recently publishing a primer for Christian authors entitled "Writing in Obedience" with editorial assistant Linda Yezak. His Young Adult novel entitled "Beyond the Smoke" won the Will Rogers Medallion and he has a book out on the skills needed to get published entitled "A Writer's Survival Guide toPublication" that was developed out of the month long course he held for ACFW. A bookstore of his available works as well as a periodic blog can be found at http://www.terryburns.net. As an agent Terry says "I'm looking for a good book, well written in a unique voice, aimed at a market that looks promising, and where I feel I have the contacts appropriate to be able to sell the book in that market. I'm pretty open as to genre but I don't do picture books, sci fi or fantasy. He's a member of the Association of Author's Representatives (AAR).

Diana Flegal, Agent

Diana currently lives in Asheville NC. A Bible College major in Missions and Anthropology, Diana has been a medical missionary to Haiti, a women's speaker and bible study leader. One of her life's highlights has been teaching apologetics to high school students as preparatory for college. Avid reader and intuitive editor, Diana's represents nonfiction and well written fiction. She has a passion for getting great writers published.

Jim Hart, Agent

Jim Hart is looking for authors who can write unique and engaging fictional suspense, romance, women’s fiction, historical fiction and some sci-fi. Jim is also interested in non-fiction regarding church growth, Christian living, and self-help. Keep in mind that non-fiction topics require a certain level of credentials, experience and expertise. The author will need an appropriate platform to present a non-fiction proposal.

Currently Jim is not looking at children’s, young adult or Biblical fiction proposals.

He holds a degree in Production Journalism and worked for twenty years in direct mail advertising before taking a job with an urban social services agency, where he worked for twelve years. All during his professional career, Jim has served with the local church doing youth ministry and music/worship ministry. He is a credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God, and serves part-time as Worship Pastor in his local church in Southwestern Pennsylvania.

Linda Glaz, Agent

Linda is an experienced editor, reviewer and writer, and for a couple of years was a final reader for Wild Rose Press, then for White Rose Publishing and she worked as an editorial assistant for Hartline Agent Terry Burns. She has judged for numerous contests including the Genesis for the American Christian Fiction Writers, as well as the Emily Award for the West Houston Chapter of the Romance Writers of America. She has been on the faculty for Faithwriters.com annual conference, Maranatha, and is slated for numerous others in 2013. Linda understands writers because she's a writer herself with 4 books releasing in 2013.linda@hartlineliterary.comhttp://lindaglaz.blogspot.com/

Andy Scheer, Agent

Andy has a wealth of experience as a publishing professional with over 18 years as the managing editor of Moody Magazine, 8 years as the managing editor for the Christian Writer’s Guild, and as a free-lance writer and editor. He is a frequent instructor at writing conferences around the country. A journalism graduate from Colorado State University, he also attended Denver Seminary. Andy is a consummate professional and will be a great addition to the Hartline team.