Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I need to vent. I really need to vent. This evening, however, I realized that outside of my husband, I have few friends in this city - and no close friendships. We have lived here for just over a year. The town is basically a professional college town. Over 300 medical residents and fellows move in and out of town every spring. I look around and it seems that every other house has a "for sale" sign in front of it. Of course, there are people here who are not in medicine, but I don't have many peers.

Most of the spouses of my husband stay at home. I am one of the few working resident spouses. I teach college students, thus I am with students all day, and not with peers. There are a few students whom I would love to have as friends. But, they are students. I had friends up north, but I am suddenly feeling lonely. I am realizing why friendship and community is so vital to our well-being. I could (and do) turn to my husband and vent, but there are a number of things that he just doesn't "get." I think that is why female friendship is very important.

When I worked up north (I love that term - up north), every day 3-4 of us would get together at noon and speed walk 2 miles. It was a a wonderful opportunity. We would talk about families, work, relationships, anything. It was a highlight of my day. I always knew that I could turn to these women and learn things from them, gain insight from their experiences, and share my experiences. No judging - just listening and sharing. Tracey and Kim, where are you?

I hope that in my current efforts to build a local sustainable community I can gain some close friendships. People working together for a common goal, sharing experiences and learning from one another.... However, at the moment I still need to vent. Tomorrow will bring another day - and I will look for that silver lining and things will look better.

203 comments:

I don't know how long you've lived where you are but I've done too much moving around for my liking and for me it just feels harder and harder to make friends each time. We've been here for six years and only after almost five did I begin to feel that I belonged here and had a 'right' to go to my neighbours houses and 'expect' to be let in and offered coffee. And if you are radically different from your neighbours I expect it is always hard. But it does come. Keep up with living the way you want to, and be generous with your time (although how I can say that when I have two teenagers and you have five youngsters I don't know) and in the end people will be generous back. You have many admirers and yes, you will find your silver lining.

I totally understand! I am a college prof and we are somewhat gypsies in our life. We can't get too close to our students, and often there are political issues in universities that sometimes makes closeness with other faculty difficult or at least, well, political.

Margaret "?Just how many spouses does your husband have?".. LOL! clarify - one wife, however, there are numerous spouse support groups for spouses of medical residents and fellows. There is something like 1000+ residents and fellows in town.

We have moved a bit more often too. I am fairly outgoing but find it hard not so much making friends as finding "good" friends. When you aren't mainstream: don't go to mall for fun, don't aspire to all the modern amenities, or maybe do things like: build things or "man handle" a cow or sheep----most women don't know what to do with you. I find each town is different. When we lived farther out (55 minutes to nearest mall) I found more people with things in common than I do here---10 minutes to mall (guess where everyone goes on the weekends?!)Hang in there. I have ALWAYS found the first year the hardest. So much so that I now realize that is the problem when I have the blues near that time. I am sure there are other's like you---they are probably having a hard time finding you like you are them.Super good luck with your journey of finding a "soul friend". You aren't the only one still looking!! :-)

I am here for you Emme...I know I am an hour and a half away, but I am still here. I miss our walks too. I have not found the connections were I am now. It is funny that you are feeling the need to vent. Last night I was feeling really overwhelmed with the state of our world and was wishing I had a more solid support group here too. We just need to find another way to support each other.

I would blame Minnesota, frankly. It took me YEARS of living in Minneapolis before I made what I considered to be "good" friends. (Maybe that Scandinavian reserve gets in the way.) I do feel for you, though: you're at a tough stage of your life with not much free time...I am there too. Creating, and nurturing, a local sustainable community will certainly help you find many different kinds of people with like interests, though. So maybe you won't get many "girl" friends, but there may be some elder, or very young, like-minded souls out there!

Rochester is a tough town, I agree. I was born and raised here, and still feel out of place! It's extremely difficult to meet people with similar interests. And if you do they are usually too busy to develop a relationship with or like Miranda said, they move within a few years.

It's funny. I'm not one of those who really makes close friends. I met a woman on the Running on empty list (which I've since left) and found out she lived nearby. So we met and we've stayed friends. We have enough in common to enjoy our visits. I am not able to visit with her often but I feel that we will stay friends for many years.

I think the problem is that most people won't devote the time to keep up a friendship. They will easily spend hours watching tv but can't come up with 30 minutes a week to stay in touch with a friend. It's a sad thing, really.

When we moved up here to Maine, we knew that having a community of like-minded folks would be priority #1. We were lucky to stumble upon an organic gardening group, and that's where we met most of our friends. We find that we don't really need the group anymore, and just see people individually. I don't know what we would have done without the group to start us off, though.

My heart goes out to you. Community is the food that feeds our souls. I think when one makes unconventional choices, a community of like minded individuals is even more important; it can also make finding community more difficult. I felt that way when we had our first child. Our parenting choices were very different from those around us and they continue to be. I was grateful for the community I found online.

I am certain you have touched many lives with your blog. I hope the blogging community you have created can fulfill some of the void you feel. Vent away...there are many people listening. And I bet each of us would take a speed walk, or enjoy a cup of tea with you if we could.

Building a friendship takes time. Some times you meet a new person and feel attracted but you won't become friends until you've met and talked and done things and experienced things together, do you? I find that quite a few of my friends are old colleagues or neighbours. We've seen each other every day for a long period and cannot put a date to the day our friendship started...Stop moving everyone ;-) Stay put and make sustainable friendships offline!Oh, well. I moved 2 years ago and I'm still settling in. Scandinavian reserve indeed. So Copenhagen!

I agree moving is hard and it takes a long time to form friendships and even to find them.My husband and I have had a hard time finding like-minded people in Virginia. Maybe its a Navy thing but there are few people who value sustainability and other issues as much as we do and it would be really nice to have some support for all our endeavors rather than criticism...hopefully you can find some more like minded people in your area, maybe some fellow faculty or posting an ad for a sustainablity discussion group in a coffee shop or something? just a thought...

Our neighbor across the road invited the entire neighborhood over for a get to know the neighbors day. It was really nice. Almost everyone came. We each brought an offering: some nibbles, some wine, some dessert. It was a nice way to get to know the people we've been waving to. I recently met the neighbor behind me and she wants to get together to can. I offered her some mulch and she offered us goat's milk. It makes me feel more connected. My husband said something today that makes sense, he said "if you see a void in a situation, then fill it yourself". This won't work in all situations, but it will in some. You will meet people and forge friendships simply because you have the desire.

I have never been successful with close female relationships. It just doesn't work for me. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and adult children, but female relationships outside the family just don't work. I have "solved" the "problem" by getting involved with like-minded groups. I also work with and help others through my church. This provides the much needed "friendships" without the stress. Good Luck.

Hey! Sorry I'm late to the party again... I'm not even great on BLOG friendships, sheesh. I share many of your same challenges, even though I DO live "up north"; I've moved here and away so many times that I've never fallen into a "group", just have friends of varying closenesses who don't know each other... Ah, well.

I will say, however, that you are in a challenging town. I grew up there, and never really enjoyed the vibe- very conservative, white collar, at least in my time. My parents bolted as soon as they retired and I haven't been back in a while.

But what about the Good Food store? Is there some community there? That was always a highlight of our visits,,,