It got basically no attention, but I found out he’s sleeping with the girl I was suspicious of not even a week after he dumped me.

He’s there right now.

I’m so depressed and sick I feel like I have chest pains.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this pain and betrayal? How am I trust someone again? All my relationships previously have ended amicably and we’ve remained friends. This is the first time I’ve experienced break up pain to this magnitude.

Firstly, I'm SO GLAD to hear you're not going out with that manipulative idiot anymore. You should be punching the air — you're free! It's sad to hear that he's torturing some other chick now, but that's not your concern.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this pain and betrayal?

Firstly, find your righteous anger. The dude is an asshole loser who thinks he's an actor who is still taking classes at 37. (Remember this when you are 37; believe me, you'll find it funny.) (NOTE: Nothing wrong with improv classes — I've taken many. Which is why I know these kinds of dudes.)

Secondly, refocus. Your mother is dying. I spent the last two years with a dying friend – he succumbed to cancer a month ago. And now I'm a carer for my elderly parents. Every moment counts. You will struggle to remember this guy's name in a decade, but you will remember every moment with your mom. Focus on her.

Thirdly, get some help. You are clearly stressed and anxious beyond belief. A psychologist, stat.

Fourthly, are you starting grad school or not? Make a decision. Do not collapse into a puddle on the floor — can you put it off for a year, or do you need to start to keep your job? Either way, make a decision and then focus on that decision.

Fifthly, where are your friends and family? You need your support system around you right now. Even if it's one person, reach out.

How am I trust someone again? All my relationships previously have ended amicably and we’ve remained friends. This is the first time I’ve experienced break up pain to this magnitude.

Don't even worry about that now. The fact that you've had healthy relationships previously just proves you know how to pick the right people. You messed up once. Later on you can analyse that, work out how he fooled you, and learn not to get fooled again. But don't worry about that now — focus on your mom, on school, on work, and on the people who really love you.

I agree with this, and all the others who are offering practical suggestions.

May I also suggest as a 6th point that you might find a bit of meditation helpful? You are going through a hell of a lot right now, so it is absolutely OK to feel the way you feel. Anger, grief, betrayal, worry over your education/career...all of these things at once are quite overwhelming. Just taking a few minutes out of the day to stop, take a break from all of this, and refocus your mind can be very helpful for your mental state.

He’s a successful engineer, he just does improv for fun....but in the last few weeks he highly prioritized it. It’s so shitty. I went to pick up my things from his house while he was at work and I did the thing I never thought I would do: I looked on his computer. I saw that he had been messaging a girl from OKC for the last month and the timelines would match up with our texts where he would send me a text, send her one, and send me another one. When I confronted him about it, he just blocked me on everything. He knows what I’m going through. How can someone be this cruel?? He accused me of having borderline twice when I would bring up things he was upset withz

I’m seeing a therapist because I feel like after everything this was my fault and I pushed him away. He was always talking about building our future together, I don’t understand how someone could flip like that.

It literally feels like I’m having an out of body experience and I can’t even spend time with my mom because I’m too embarrassed and hurt to tell her and she always asks about him

Sorry but he manipulated you. It's gonna hurt for awhile but the best thing you can do is focus on you mom and grad school That's it. Throw absolutely all your energy into this and go 100% NO CONTACT with your ex. And definitely get into therapy to address your anxiety. I'm sorry, OP. Life throws some fucked up curveballs at us sometimes but I know you can get through this. Do NOT give this loser one more second of your energy.

Don't try to understand or empathize with him. You will run yourself silly trying to understand how he did that to you - the saddest and most likely answer is he didn't feel near the emotions for you that you thought he felt, or that you felt for him.

He's blocked you because the relationship is over. The first post made him sound pretty cruel, the best thing for you is to stop being so surprised at his cruelty.

Talk to your mom. Let yourself feel embarrassed, this was a mistake. You'll learn from it, you'll grow, and you'll continue on - with the love and support of people like your mom.

In 10 years when you're 37, you'll realize this guy isn't as great and successful as you think right now.

Lack of empathy is one of the biggest plagues of the human race. When I was in high school I had the same problem and hurt my ex because I wasn’t thinking about what she was going through, only me. Everyone thinks they’re the center of the universe, you know? Unfortunately he’s almost 40, so he won’t be gaining any of that ability in this life. Give it a few months and I promise you’ll feel almost nothing towards him. Good luck

The best thing you can do for yourself is to live well. Block him, stop asking for answers for why he sucks as a human being let alone as an ex-boyfriend. Take every day one minute at a time and think about you. Work on feeling less anxious, overwhelmed and happy with what you have in life. Enjoy the time you have with your mother and you might realize she will be happy for you that you are not with some manipulative lying jerk.

Sweetie the only thing this guys successful at is being a drain on society.

While I'm extremely sorry and upset for you that you were forced to go through this, I'm so very glad you're out of that relationship now. The things he has done I.e making lists, putting everything above you and your mum's situation, bad mouthing you.... he's a reprehensible character and you are so, so much better with him out of your life.

Don't, for the love of god, go back to him. Don't even message him. Block his disgusting self from every platform you can, and don't look back. He will continue to ruin the people's lives that he surrounds like some kind of floating nuke because that is his character.

I'm glad you're going to therapy, you need to look after yourself right now and that is one excellent way of doing it.

I'm heart sorry about your mum, but I would say to be honest about not being in the relationship any more. She will probably be able to provide more comfort and advice than any one of us.

If you need someone to talk to, even a stranger on the internet with a questionable username, please know that you can message me any time. From one female who has been in a terrible, abusive relationship to another, I want only the best for you and wish you every happiness.

I once moved half way across the country because it was the plan that I move out there with my then long-distance and long-term of five years boyfriend. The night before I was supposed to leave, he calls me with this “confession” that he slept with someone else. And not just a stranger, but the girl I had been encouraging him to hang out with. She was a good friend of mine and had been going through an incredibly tough time (got pregnant, had an abortion, broke up with her boyfriend aka my ex’s roommate). I knew he did that and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so I moved. I was so, so lonely and hurt and couldn’t tell any friends, much less family. A month later when I finally was able to tell my closest friends, I received SO much love and support from them. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t told them and stayed home. Luckily, I (like you) was able to leave him, as I was starting grad school on the opposite side of the country.

All that to tell you that while everything feels like a punch to the guy right now, it gets better. Tell your friends. Get some hugs and ask if your closest friends can be “on call” for you the next few weeks and while you start school. Hell, if you just want to PM me and vent about things to a stranger, go right ahead! Tell your mom. At least tell her that things didn’t work out. No need to go into detail if you don’t want to. She probably only asks about him to be polite, since you do like him. She isn’t going to be disappointed in you for leaving a scumbag like that. She’ll comfort you and love you, and that’s the most important thing as your time is unfortunately limited with her. Your ex is a garbage human who put his own selfishness above supporting you through a very ill mother and the huge life change that is going back to school. It says a lot more about him that he KNOWS what you’re dealing with and consistently pushed you away and brought up things to make you feel even more insecure about insecurities you’d previously voiced. I don’t know you, but let me tell you that you can make it through this. Humans are 10000% more resilient than we think we are. It’s absolutely going to suck. It really is. But it already does, so keep your head up, OP, and remind yourself you can make it through.

Please ignore Bungkai. It's a bit unreasonable to expect you to think perfectly clearly in this distressing time.

Instead I would say, don't let this break up rob you of the last moments you have with your mother. Remember that she loves you. I know you want to be strong for her too, but in the last days of her life, do you want to keep a secret from her?

Let her know, gently, that things didn't work out between you and exbf. It'll be one of the last times she'll ever get to give you a mother's love and comfort. Then you can get through it together, and focus instead on cherishing the time you have left with each other.

Well the comment was a bit harsh but I think that person has a point...
OP’s priorities seem really ...out of whack...considering her mom’s dying. You should never make a boy (and an asshole one at that) a priority over all the other aspects of your life - but he’s taken over her thoughts despite being broken up and she’s got other things to be thinking about.

OP not going to her mom because she’s embarrassed at being single is a bit ????

When there's something huge and overwhelming that you can't change (like a parent dying), it's easier to focus on little stressors you have some control over. Right after my dad died, I got pretty upset over things that were no big deal simply because it was easier to deal with, or I had some amount of control over it. Grief is weird.

I found out my last boyfriend had similar behaviors when we broke up. From the messaging other girls while we were together, to the sleeping with someone right after we broke up.

Believe me, he is not worth your anguish. He doesn’t respect you whatsoever and frankly, he’s being very selfish. You made the same mistake I did of snooping and finding out hurtful things, but by doing so you’ve exposed his true character. And it’s clear this is not someone who is emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. He will continue these same behaviors with whichever girl he’s with next: that’s her misfortune to deal with now.

The strongest thing you can do is show him you don’t need him in your life at all. Focus on your mom and spending as much time with her as you can. Just tell her he’s not in your life anymore and that you’re moving on. She’s your priority at the moment.

In a year or so, you will look back on this and wonder why you put up with him for as long as you did. I’ve been with an amazing guy now for almost a year, and never ONCE has he given me reason to be insecure about our relationship. There are so many better guys out there for you when you’re ready. You will get through this, I promise!

The strongest thing you can do is show him you don’t need him in your life at all. Focus on your mom and spending as much time with her as you can. Just tell him he’s not in your life anymore and that you’re moving on. She’s your priority at the moment.

I’m going to supplement this by saying OP may want to go see a GP (because you can get in quicker, then follow up with a psychiatrist as soon as possible) to get on some mild medication. Right now, OP’s experiencing what it’s like to be completely overwhelmed, and there are 2 options: either white knuckle it and work through it with time, or get on medication and break the cycle by that means. There’s no problem with white knuckling, but if you’re in a situation where you need to function and you feel like you can barely keep your head above water, then OP may seriously want to consider medication to feel better in the short term while working to feel better in the long term.

I agree with this post and just want to add that the more you sit around feeling sorry for yourself the longer the pain is going to last. He sounds like a loser, and if you get out of bed and go meet someone else (which will happen) you’ll look back on him and be greatful things ended, and maybe even feel sorry for whoever he’s with.

This!! Spend some time with your mother. I went through a very bad breakup while my grandfather was sick and felt so detached at that moment in time. I really regret not slapping myself and getting in the right mindset. I was too heartbroken to enjoy the time I had left with him. The guy wasn’t worth it and I wish I could go back and tell myself that.

Hi. I don't know if this is exactly the advice you are looking for, but here I go. I went through a very sad break up during my 2nd year in my PhD program. Looking back, he was having an emotional affair. We didn't stay friends because I needed to find new support structures after leaning heavily on him for years.

To cope with it, I was very sad. I cried a lot. I slept a lot. AND...I threw myself into my work. That semester, I concentrated on my course work, on my research, and my assistantship. I kept myself busy at my office and within my department. That kept my mind off the break up and also allowed me to develop friendships as I was around people a lot. I talked a lot about theory, I talked a lot about my Masters thesis with my advisor, I did massive literature reviews, I ate lunch with folks.

And at night, I would eat cookies and binge watch Battlestar Gallactica or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But then I would get up and decide to take all of my energy and concentration and smarts and focus on my present and future.

Oh me too, I also went through a bad breakup midway through graduate school.

Guy was a total turd that caused chaos with my (fairly crazy) advisor and was a manipulative jerk. But I didn't really see that at the time, and instead felt abandoned and like a failure. Like OP, I also had amicable break-ups before, and this was anything but. I lost a few friends over it as people picked "sides," and took a major financial hit in the move (oh grad student stipend, I do not miss you). It was 1000% for the best but there was no way it felt that way in the moment.

Your advice is spot on: throw extra effort into work, hobbies, friendships, work friendships, and your netflix favorites. Focus on your future. It will get so much better.

My ex cheated/dumped me right when I was starting two new jobs. I found that at my night job, I was able to throw myself into my work, I was hyper focused on learning as much as I could. True, the only time I was really eating was when I was at said job, because I had my friends there watching me, to make sure I was eating and not passing out.

Get up at 7 in the morning, spend time with your family and friends, eat well, try to sleep 8 hours every night, breathe and put one foot in front of the other. I'm so sorry this is all happening to you, but remind yourself that this too shall pass.

You're being hard on yourself. He uses deception and abuses trust to get what he wants. I'm sorry this happened to you. Being treated like you were has to be very painful. Isn't it incredible how you can't even recognize him? Hes a totally different person, than the man you knew.

Except that's who he really is under the lies and fake emotions. In the end it's about what he wants and how he feels. He used you and that hurts. It takes time to acknowledge, accept and move on. Dont worry, its impossible for someone like this to find true happiness. Shitty people attract other shitty people. You on the other hand, you will come out of this and have a greater appreciation for the man you end up with. You had to listen to his stories about this girl, all he will be to you is scoff and "what an idiot.

Breakups are hard. Especially when garbage treats you like garbage. You're more than that, take a day to just let out the tears and other emotions killing your spirit and get back on that horse. Good luck out there kiddo.

Just to piggyback off your comment, people who abandon people right when they need them most and who twist the knife a little deeper by immediately getting into a relationship with another person is a tale tale sign of a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath. What a lot of people don't understand is that they do this ON PURPOSE in order to break you down, to hurt you, so that you never forget them because from now on when you think of your mom or flunk out of school, you'll always be reminded of them. What OP needs to realize is that whatever this man painted himself as before was all a lie and what she's seeing now is his true character. She also needs to realize that her Ex is almost certainly going to try to initiate contact again. It may be a few months of a few years, but he'll be back, either because he believes you're fully broken and he can control you or because he sees your doing better and he wants to break you back down again....but he'll be back. OP needs to realize that this is coming and she needs to steel herself as best she can to avoid any future communication and go completely No Contact!

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this pain and betrayal?

I would call off work tomorrow and sleep in. Take a bath, read a good book, binge watch tv, and cry. Allow yourself to cry until it hurts.

During this cry, make sure you have lots of water and eat three full meals. You will feel awful because you're dehydrated. So stay hydrated and you're crying jag will be a lot less painful. It's sort of like being hung-over, you feel like shit because you lose water.

Then, on Thursday, you get up at 7 and take a shower. You get dressed, put on a cute outfit, and you do what needs to be done. If that means going to work, go. If it means doing chores, do them. Maybe you need to write a list and stick to it?

But you need to not let this asshole ruin your life. You are successful and complete without him. The best thing you can do is not let the rest of your life fall apart around you.

Okay, first: Do you have access to counseling of any kind? I am telling you as the former primary caregiver to my late mother with terminal cancer, you NEED someone to talk to. That alone is tremendously stressful. If a professional isn't an option, there are online communities for caregivers, or even just Seven Cups of Tea. Because I can assure you: what you are going through there isn't necessarily a unique experience, and a good counselor can help you with this.

As for everything else:

Right now, you are overwhelmed - I remember how that feels. My husband had undiagnosed anxiety during my mother's terminal illness. Let's just say his anxiety over my Mom's illness (my Mom was the opposite of a "justnomil" - he actually dedicated his PhD thesis to her he had loved her so much) caused him to have reactions so inappropriate and selfish, most of my friends are still amazed I didn't divorce his ass with prejudice. So while my husband didn't cheat, the emotional betrayals were huge and took a long time to heal. Combine it with trying to run my independent contracting business - let's just say I know about the combo of parental illness + relationship bullshittery + professional stress, so I am very worried about you.

So, do you have a friend that can help you break things down, piece by piece? That could be a help. First, get the practical stuff done. Talk to your job about deferring grad school for a year - you are obviously not going to be able to focus on your first semester with the looming death of your mother anyway, and it could let you get some space to breathe on the financial part. (And if the job is so shitty that they play hardball on this, you can start thinking about finding another one, because that is NOT a company you want to work for.)

As for your BF - he is a walking, talking POS. Period. I think underneath the panic you probably know this, but right now, your pain over knowing you are losing your mother (and losing her under horrible conditions) is just exacerbating the sense of betrayal. You are right to be hurt there, but the hurt is compounded and amplified by your grieving and fear.

All I can tell you is you can love again. It's taken some time, some light therapy for me, some heavy therapy for my husband so he could get a handle on his therapy and a lot of marriage counseling for us together, but we're solid. I'm not saying that you won't always have a little fear, because you probably will. But that's just learning from your mistakes. Eventually, you get past it and learn to see that not every relationship is going to be hell and there is someone solid for you out there.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. But as a well-managed depressive, I am telling you that this is so beyond reddit's pay-grade. You need some professional help here. Because what you're going through all at once is blowing through all of your limits, which is very understandable.

Hang in there, okay? I know it feels like you have a hole in your chest you could drive a train through, but over time, it does heal up. But you need to have a solid emotional tool-set to let that happen, and if you have one of those, your circuits are simply too overloaded to make it work right. Once the immediate stresses start to fall away, you will start to heal.

You get through this moment to moment, day to day until suddenly you look back and realize it's actually felt okay for a while.

Toolkit:

reach out to one person per day. Comment on a facebook post, send a "hey, how you doing" message to someone. When they ask how you are, come up with at least 3 things going on in your life except the bad stuff

spend time with your mother and be honest about what happened. Secrets come with a terrible weight and I'll bet what she wants more than anything in the world right now is to be a mother and be there for you. DO NOT MISS THIS TIME

every day, make sure you get 1 fruit and 1 veg and spend 15 minutes outside (rain or shine)

become absolutely fanatical about giving your body what it wants. It wants a drink of water? Give it that. It wants to go to bed early? Give it that. Try to filter out what you think you should want or what your mind wants and focus on actual sensations

keep your living space clean by doing 15 minutes of tidying and cleaning every night

pick a hobby you've always wanted to get into, allocate $50 for supplies, and dive in

if that hobby isn't a physical thing, find a new physical thing and start it up. Could be running, could be flamenco, could be freaking jazzercise, just find a new physical activity to occupy your time and brainspace

keep going to therapy, and if things aren't working, find a new therapist

get in the habit of turning your thoughts away from your ex every time you start to think of him. You'll have the uncomfortable epiphany that you WANT to dwell on him in some ways. Stop doing it. Don't let him into your head. We focus on rejection because we're a social species and we want to avoid future rejection, but there's nothing to LEARN from this - he's just a cheating jerk who tried to make you believe you were suffering from serious issues when you noticed his shady activities. Stop. Thinking. About him.

Revel in living your life exactly as you choose - cook what you want to eat, eat it when you want, watch whatever shows you want, go to whatever activities you want without having to schedule things. Give him zero brain space and let yourself flourish.

This is great... doing things like this keeps depression from spiraling out of control. When I am depressed, waking up feeling like shit from lack of good food or sleep ( or too much sleep) and a filthy apartment leave me feeling worthless.

Yeah I actually was hospitalized for a severe panic attack two days before he dumped me. My therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist for some emergency anxiety pills.
Which is another reason why I’m so bewildered that he dumped me like that. He knew the emotional trauma I was trying to cope with.
The evening of, he took such good care of me and held me and loved me....and two days later he dumped me. I don’t even understand

Some people run exactly when things get hard. They know they can’t be what you need. It sucks so much, but I promise it’s better than leaning further on someone who will still let you down in the end.

My best friend had a devastating breakup full of betrayal (cheating 2 out of 4 years). She cried for weeks and barely ate. That was about 7 years ago. She’s getting married to a wonderful man in a few weeks. It definitely changed her- she now works teaching teens about healthy relationships because she didn’t see the horrible patterns she was locked in- and I think she’s grateful for who she is now, even if it came from pain. I had friends bail when I was deathly sick and it hurt so bad at the time, but now I have nobody in my life who I doubt I can depend on. I’m not saying this doesn’t suck. A lot. I am saying you will survive and one day it will suck less. And you will be a different person with a different understanding of the world. Work to make it a better one. It sounds like you’re taking all the right steps. Sending all kinds of love and luck to you!

Ladies... there's only one reason why a 30's man would date a woman 10 years younger. He wants a playmate, a toy, a sexy young trophy. Soon as he realizes his "toy" is a real woman going thru real shit that he might actually be expected to help her deal with, guess what happens?

This is what I’m realizing. He always would tell me he likes tight clothes and push up bras and super short shorts, so I started dressing more “sexy” for him because I loved him. I have relatively boobs for a petite girl and I remember he wanted me to get this super low cut shower so he could “introduce me to all [his] friends in it”

Lesson learned. I'm not saying that EVERY older guy is a Lolita chaser, but if all they want is to play dress up and show you off (impress their friends) I'd consider it a red flag. I'm sure there's a guy out there closer to your age who will love you for you and consider your looks a bonus.

I'm really sorry you're going through a rough time. My mum passed away in a similarly traumatic wild time, and it was so hard.

One foot in front of another. That's all you can do. I know you're hurting now, but you dodged a bullet. You don't have to spend your life with someone who will cut you down at other hard times of your life.

One minute at a time. You can do it. Surround yourself with friends and people that love you. This scumbag is going to live the life he deserves. Don't think about him

Oh girl I hate that this happened but remember getting away from that jerk creep is SUCH a good thing. You sound like an incredibly kind and caring person and he just sounds like a selfish loser. Would you really want a life with him? Focus on you and your family right now. If you’re committing to grad school talk to a counselor there, maybe they’ll let you defer a semester? You will move on from the heartache, it always gets better. He, however, will stay an insufferable pig for the rest of his life.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. So many awful things coming at you at one time. But what he did to you was really a favor. You don't want to be with someone who treats you like that and goes behind your back.

I dated someone when I was 22 that I fell completely in love with. We had a great time and told each other I love you. Then he breaks up with me before this "2 week vacation" he had planned it seemed fishy so I went on Facebook and ended up finding a woman with his last name. It turns out he broke up with me the actual DAY he got married and this vacation was his honeymoon. When I tried to confront him, he talked to me like I as delusional and had imagined it all. Asked if I was suicidal and if I needed help. It was surreal. I was completely devastated and it took me a long time to get over it. But I did.

I know how much you're hurting, but as time goes on, it'll hurt less and less. Take care of yourself, focus on your classes, and surround yourself with friends as much as possible. Eventually the pain goes away and you can start over. 💗

I was a naive 22 year old and didn't know what signs to look for and his friends played along with the lie. It's interesting that you seem to go straight for the "you let it happen" accusation. Have you never met someone who was a convincing, compulsive liar? You probably wouldn't know. Obviously no one "lets" themselves be used and taken advantage of, but there are awful people out there who get off on hurting people. Your question was ignorant and offensive, I hope I was able to provide a little perspective for you.

I guess I don’t have all the details of your situation but in both my serious relationships where I have said I love you I have been quite certain that I am their only official boyfriend.

I have had girls get mad when they found out that I was seeing other people (even though we hadn’t defined our relationship). But I’m not a terrible person that would tell someone I loved them if I was seeing other people.

I do think that some people are polygamous though and can love multiple women.

This is where communication comes in. Maybe have enough respect for the person you're seeing to sit them down and have a conversation about it. The "we haven't defined our relationship" excuse is so tired. Why not just be up front and say "I don't want to be exclusive" instead of just assuming she gets it without setting any clear expectations? Is that really so hard?

And obviously people can be poly, which is fine. as long as all parties are aware and consenting. This has nothing to do with someone's sexual preferences as it does with people being deliberately deceitful. A cheater isn't polyamorous. They're just a shitty person.

Draw a picture of his stupid face and punch it. Listen to loud music. (Alanis Morissette will never sound better than she will to you right now.) Eat your favourite icecream all to yourself. Cry your eyes out, block him on everything you can, distract yourself. Pain is temporary, you've survived every day until now, you'll survive this one too.

I know you are feeling lost, but you are truly better off without him. I'm sorry to hear how tough things are, especially with you mom. I suggest spending time with her and focusing on yourself. The way you speak about this boy, seems like you were completely unhappy, and he was a bit of a dead weight. He didn't respect you, or give you what you truly needed. Spending time to put your life in order, respecting yourself more, just getting to that place where you will be ready to find the right partner, someone that will actually treat you like you deserve.
All this will pass, and you will look back and be grateful you didn't waste any more time with this person.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. After my childhood friend died last year, my best friend cut me out of his life by ghosting me a few days after the funeral. We had been going through hard times and it was definitely overdue, but the timing was devastating.

It really fucks with your head to have someone you love, and who you thought loved you, do such cruel things to you. It makes you question everything about yourself: your self worth, your judgment, the things you deserve from the people in your life.

I'll be honest, it took me a really long time to be okay. I was crying every day for an uncomfortably long time-- before work, during work, after work, while making dinner, while eating dinner, before going to sleep. I had so much going on that I felt like I didn't have the strength to carry it until it got better.

But surprise! I did. It takes a LOT of space and a LOT of time but it does get better. I'm happier than I've been in years, with supportive people surrounding me and respectfully mourning the death of Sam and carrying her with me through my life.

But it fucking sucks in the mean time. I'm so sorry you have to endure this. It's going to make you hurt in places you didn't know existed and you don't deserve that.

First start off by blocking him on everything you definitely need to distance yourself from that kind of behavior. It almost seems like his immaturity feeds into you and doesn't help your anxiety at all. Then I would suggest focusing on yourself. Maybe even try a therapist to talk through your anxieties?
He may be what you're used to and comfortable with (however toxic it may have been). But to be blunt it was toxic and not worth trying to salvage. I hope things start to turn around and good luck

This isn't going to be what you want to hear, but basically it's just getting through each day and knowing that in time you'll forget all about him. You probably won't ever fully emotionally recover, and that's ok. You'll learn and grow and looking back you'll realize it was better to happen now than 10 years down the road.

I'm just getting out of a 13 year relationship (eight year marriage) because my husband decided to leave me for a woman he went to high school with. She's everything I'm not - she's blond, 98 pounds, a doctor, and a southerner. I felt so betrayed.

So I know where you're coming from. I couldn't eat or sleep. I just kept saying the same things over and over again to my friends. I felt like I was stuck in a loop and I couldn't get out. And because I couldn't sleep, every day was a little bit harder.

The thing that made me sane again was going to a therapist and laying it all out there. I just spent an hour sobbing and saying mean things about my ex. The therapist told me that this type of betrayal manifests in a kind of PTSD. Your mind just keeps reliving everything and looping and that the looping is necessary for your mind to process what happened.

And now I can sleep again and, although I still feel sad, I don't feel that crushing pain. I'm even starting to feel a little grateful that he broke it off because now I have a chance at a happy life.

I know you said you have a therapist, but maybe the therapist isn't right for you? Also, I'm so happy that you discovered that he was texting you and another woman simultaneously because when you have distance from it you'll realize that it could have continued to go on for awhile while you were ignorant of his betrayal. What if you had gotten married and he did this? What if you had kids together and he did this? What if he gave you an STD?

I don’t have time to write a whole response, but I am so glad you’re not with this person anymore. People can be cruel - it’s ok to feel your pain. Also try to use coping mechanisms like drawing, watching a movie, baking, etc.

Time is the thing you need. Don’t worry about finding new love yet - you WILL though. There’s someone out there who will treat you better than you can believe.

Cry when you need. Walk it off. Don’t forget to breathe. And try not to think about it 24/7. 💕

Get in the gym, participate in an orphanage do something good for others , homeless shelter, children with special needs hospital etc see that life can always be worse to put perspective to how wonderful your life is and can be both mentally and spiritually god bless.

Focus on your mother. If you look back on this you will not remember this guy and at best he did you a favor. I had a similar experience with my first serious boyfriend and a grandma with terminal illness. I regret worrying about him during that time and not cherishing every last moment with her. Back then I was making excuses for his behavior and thought it was normal and that Id never find love again. I probably moped about it for another year after. Believe me when I say its not worth it despite any good memories you have :/

So we do NOT have the same situation and I dont know what you are going through with your mother emotionally. I do have a fuckton of shit going on right now, parents just got divorced 2 months ago after my fathers infidelity, bought my first house which has been a mess and expensive, diagnosed with crohn's disease, getting married next month, brother wrecked my car and had to get a new one. so I truly understand the overwhelmed feeling about having so much happening at the same time.

Here is what I would say:

Get help. It sounds like you are, but developing personal strategy to deal is so important. Make sure you make some of your sessions around strategy. What can your Therapist recommend around dealing with X, Y, Z.

Compartmentalize, compartmentalize, compartmentalize. What I do is I set myself an emotional schedule. I decided that I would give myself 2 hours on sunday to talk to parents/brothers/partner about my parents divorce. I let myself feel everything I feel about it at that time. When it is not that time, it makes it easier because I can say to myself, "You are not burying it, you are going to talk about it/feel it, but just not right now." It is a lot of faking it until I make it when it isn't that time, but after practice it becomes easier. I have set times to talk about each thing during the week, and it frees my mind and heart up for the rest of the week to live my life.

One of my struggles around depression is me telling myself "Ill do it when I feel like it." Depression makes this a cycle because here is the deal, you will never feel like it. You have to force yourself. If you dont want to clean your place, get out of bed, brush your teeth, or whatever you will never feel like it. You have to force yourself until things become habit again. Once something is habit, you dont have to force yourself anymore you just do it.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I didn't give advice on trusting again because honestly it being so fresh makes you too close to the issue. Many people come out with trust issues but some don't. I didn't. I think what I would do is give that part time. Wait until you are in a better place with everything else, and then see if you feel like you have trust issues. If you do after more time has passed, then work on some strategy and think/talk it through. That is just my opinion. I have a feeling this is more unpopular so take with it what you will.

This sounds similar to what I (27M) went through with my ex gf, all the lies, blaming me for everything, manipulative and the unfaithfulness after 2 years of living together and I was starting a new job that same week.

The first thing you need to take care of is basic human needs. Make sure you do everything you can to get enough sleep and eat like normal, that's where I struggled. I also contacted my doctor about some medication for help me (only you can decide that)

After I worked on sleeping and eating I then needed to distract my mind (WORKING OUT, art, hanging with friends as much as possible) I'd also recommend blocking him on any kind of social media that you can, that was what hurt me and hindered my healing process for months.

Overall I am a completely different person than I was this time last year. From my physical looks to my style and my mindset on life and personality. Use this time to focus on you, understand you are worth more than what you have been through/are going through and just tell yourself that you are worthy and capable of being happy again.

If your job is contingent on grad school, talk to your boss about a deferment. Give your mom as a reason. People are much more forgiving and understanding than you thin and rules can be flexible.

Be selfish for a bit, cry on your friends shoulders, spend a lot of time with your mom watching movies or getting pedicures. Take a break from moving forward re relationships and work.

Good luck and take it one day at a time. When you're ready, you are going to remake your life from top to bottom and this guy is going to be nothing more than a footnote. Remember, this guy was nothing more than a con artist.

More so than focusing on trusting anyone again( that's for later).. focus on properly from everything and healing.

Your ex is honestly terrible and in time you will feel like you dodged a terrible mistake. Life tends to give lessons that aren't fun sometimes.

I'd recommend because of the stress you are in being more than a normal break up that you see a counsellor. They will help you far more than internet strangers can with minimal context.

For now, buy your fave tea, bath stuff ect. Treat yourself in healthy ways like a walk / chat with a friend. Things like that are much healthier than drinking or pigging out. That's not to say a pizza and bottle of wine cant be called for but do things mostly that strengthen you. If you are finding to much time with your free thoughts join a class you've always wanted and volunteer somewhere. In the end you will have a new skill or item for your resume.

The truth it is going to suck. . And you need to practice self compassion by acknowledging your grief is normal. That many other people grieve the same way. You are not alone. . Other then that you need to build yourself up and move forward as you can take this lesson and use it to not let yourself be in toxic friendships or relationships. It will make you stronger when you let it. Someday once the grief isn't so fresh you will be able to understand that your ex is a bad person. Not everyone is. Trust will come again if you have faith in that.

More so than focusing on trusting anyone again( that's for later).. focus on properly from everything and healing.

Your ex is honestly terrible and in time you will feel like you dodged a terrible mistake. Life tends to give lessons that aren't fun sometimes.

I'd recommend because of the stress you are in being more than a normal break up that you see a counsellor. They will help you far more than internet strangers can with minimal context.

For now, buy your fave tea, bath stuff ect. Treat yourself in healthy ways like a walk / chat with a friend. Things like that are much healthier than drinking or pigging out. That's not to say a pizza and bottle of wine cant be called for but do things mostly that strengthen you. If you are finding to much time with your free thoughts join a class you've always wanted and volunteer somewhere. In the end you will have a new skill or item for your resume.

The truth it is going to suck. . And you need to practice self compassion by acknowledging your grief is normal. That many other people grieve the same way. You are not alone. . Other then that you need to build yourself up and move forward as you can take this lesson and use it to not let yourself be in toxic friendships or relationships. It will make you stronger when you let it. Someday once the grief isn't so fresh you will be able to understand that your ex is a bad person. Not everyone is. Trust will come again if you have faith in that.

A trick one of my exes taught me: Focus in on the one thing that you most disliked about your relationship and hate it. When you're hurting, come back to that. Remember that no matter how much you're hurting, that this is the right decision because of the one thing you really disliked (not being faithful is an easy one, lucky you).

It helps that he's definitely not a good person and that he emotionally was out of your relationship prior to breaking up with you. You dodged a bullet. So it's time to move on to better things.

Also, consume your time. Sitting around bored causes your mind to return to these types of things. Great, "productive" hobbies include: going to the gym, arts and crafts, baking, cooking, taking side classes (art/pottery are great), joining a book club; but really eating up some of your time doing something to make you better or more relaxed is what you want to focus on.

I’m going through some very similar shitty stuff right now. My mom died a month ago, and I’m moving to start grad school soon.

I’ve also taken a break from dating for the last year. I’m already pretty emotional and mood-swingy, a relationship would just amplify that. I’ve just been focusing on myself, doing therapy, and getting support from close friends. I’m so glad that I haven’t had to focus at all on fights with an SO or potential breakups, etc.

And I don’t think that I would start a very healthy relationship during this time when my emotions are so up-and-down anyway. Very few decent guys would want to start dating a girl they just met who had so much drama in their life and needed so much support right away.

Stop dating, the pain from this will fade soon. Focus on yourself, family, friends, and stability.

You sound like you might have dated a covert narcissist! This is basically the worst kind of break up and often takes a lot longer to recover from, but it's often helpful to know that it's definitely not you, it's him, and that you're not alone.

There's a great business insider article about the type, which I encourage you to read more about, generally. Just know that this dude sucked, and it will get better.

Hey there, I just recovered from one of the shittiest break ups I’ve ever thought I would let my adult self endure. I know how hard it can be and all the unanswered questions you may have and the what if’s.

But let me tell you now, the single best thing I ever did for myself after that was to focus on myself and STOP falling down the rabbit hole. I stopped asking the questions and over analyzing the relationship. I stopped blaming myself. And when ever I did relapse and start thinking about the past I woke myself up by asking myself, “Do you really deserve someone who would abandon you like this? Is this the type of person you would want to marry? Would you have preferred for this to happen much later in the relationship?”

It’s shorty circumstances I know. And things happen for a reason or no reason at all. But listen to me, the one thing I have learned about ANY shitty situation I’ve been in is that they ALWAYS lead to a new beginning and new door opening up. Remember that. Don’t focus on the chapter that’s closed, but on the one that lies ahead. Let this breakup put you back on track to being the best you that you can be. You have one less distraction in your life taking you away from that! And guess what? Eventually, when you are rocking out your best self, the most amazing and sincere person will come along to ride that wave to shore with you.

The world is a cruel place, life is unfair, and we don’t always get what we want. But we do always get what we need..and believe it or not this may be what you needed. Now you’ll be single for when the “perfect” man for YOU comes your way!!!!

🖤💛 Keep your head up, and keep your mind off the trash. You are human. You are incredible. And you are capable.

His breaking up with you was probably the only honest thing he did. He was looking for an excuse— talking about his ex while IN BED WITH YOU? Gaslighting you (eg. saying you could reach out to said ex and then telling you he didn’t)? Making plans to leave hanging out with you early after you communicated that you would appreciate a heads up? He sounds like a real winner. (sarcasm) He did you a favor, breaking up with you. You don’t need that kind of stress and anxiety in your life right now. You’ve got more important things to worry about.

Can you see a therapist? Even a few times? I can’t tell you what you should do, but someone professional can offer you the distance you need to assess everything. I would also go see your general physician to get some medication. Panic attacks aren’t fun, and they aren’t helping.

In the meantime, cut yourself some slack. You’re dealing with a lot. But him breaking up with you is really a good thing, trust me. It sucks and feels awful, but dealing with that drama on top of everything else would just drain you faster.

Don't say never.. It's not about the age, it's about maturity or immaturity. I don't see anything wrong with dating older guys, even 10 years older. Some younger men act like old people and some older ones act like babies. Age don't matter in my personal opinion.

I get you I dumped my girlfriend today morning I feel like shit, but I joined a chat here on reddit guys there really helped me out you need to confide in someone possible who's been through this it will help you a lot.

The fact that he's already with someone else, shows what you mean for him nothing. So in life everything has a good and a bad side. Unfortunately many people choose to focus on the bad side. My advice, the good thing is that he's out of your life, he gave you a lesson in life. And from every relationship you will have and already have, you learn. You become more aware what can happen will happen and what type of person your partner is. Now this days people starts relationship just "not to feel lonely" , I am guilty as well. But the moment you become aware that you have a best friend from the opposite sex , where you have a lot in common with. He or she will be probably be your best partner. This is what happened with me, and now I am 10years together 2years married and to give you a hint, I promised myself never again I will be married. But I had to recall that promise. So, my advice to you, look at the positive side of it. He's out , you learned and focus on your future , not your past where he keeps hurting you. Sooner or later , he'll get his peace of the pie also.

Focus on yourself. I hope you are in therapy or something, if not, look into getting it. Also, talk to friends, family..anyone. you can who you think might be positive. Maybe your dad.Your circumstances seem horrible to cope with on your own. I've been through the death of my father and all that, dropping out of Uni too.. I couldn't have done it alone. Therapy helped a lot, as did medication and finding things that I could do on my own that distracted me and were fun. Don't focus on this guy, he is not worth it at all. He is a grade A asshole and from your previous post, also incredibly manipulative. However you get your updates on his life, who he is sleeping with..avoid it. Delete him from social media and keep away from it, it only drags you down. Take a bubble bath, read a good book, eat ice cream... Anything that makes you feel good right now. Try to care for yourself.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this pain and betrayal

I got dumped in a really massive way by an abusive asshole once and it was incredibly helpful to have a new project to focus on at the time. Focus on grad school, figure out your financing. Get it done. Your best revenge is being better.

Also sorry about your mom.

the first time I’ve experienced break up pain

Sometimes it really is easiest to visualize a relationship as a drug and breakup pain as withdrawal symptoms. You miss him because you crave the drug. Those cravings tend to diminish after about 6 weeks. Practice self-care, be patient with yourself, grieve the relationship, and focus on taking care of yourself and your mom. Don't allow this shitty man to take away your energy and attention from where it needs to be: you and your dying parent.

Keep your head up! Also, reach out to friends and family and be open and honest about your stressful situation. And if they ask if you need help, you tell them! (This could be meals/cash/moving/checking in with you/walking your dog)

It is hard to ask or even accept help, but just pay-it-forward when you can.

There is a lot of helpful advice here, but I am going to just give my one piece of advice when dealing with any kind of loss or negativity in life. I told this to my aunt after her son died, when we were at a beach house about six months later crying on the couch together. I told her this.

It sucks. It hurts. It's always going to suck. Thinking about it is always going to hurt. Take your time to grieve your loss as often as you need, and focus on other things when you're not grieving. The more you practice focusing on other things, the less you will think about your loss when you don't want to.

I'd like to think I put it more eloquently at the time but that's the gist of it. If you focus your thoughts on the things that suck, you will be consumed by things that suck. If you focus on things that are good, you will find good. The sucky things may bleed their way in at times, but the good is still there.

Thank you. I feel like I’ve been trying to stay positive for so long and I’m just tired and just feel like giving up. This is has literally been the worst year of my life. My 6 year relationship ended (peacefully, but still stung), I had a stalker who stole my underwear and broke into my bedroom while I was sleeping and I’m still trying to manage my PTSD from that, I moved to a new city for my first 9-5 and don’t have close friends here, I had to take pre reqs for grad school and nearly failed everything because my mom got sick, now this

Even with my moms scleroderma diagnosis: we thought, it’s okay, it’s just localized! Then, okay it’s nkt localized, but at least it’s not on her internal organs! Then, oh, it’s spreading faster and more aggressively than we would have thought.... then, oh you’re in excruciating pain all the time while your body is quite literally turning to stone and there’s nothing we can do to help other than hear you cry and scream every single night.

Every time something happens I tell myself that these experiences only make me stronger, and I meditate and practice self care, play sports, stay happy and friendly.....

But. It. Doesn’t. Stop. I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I don’t think I can handle one more bad thing. I already had to go to the hospital a week ago for a severe panic attack. I😖

I’m a good person, I’m kind to others, I give back to my communities, I love my family, work hard.... I don’t understand why everything is just beating me down so hard

I’m a good person, I’m kind to others, I give back to my communities, I love my family, work hard.... I don’t understand why everything is just beating me down so hard

Find a way to come to terms with the things about your past (relationships) that you had no power of, while recognizing the things you can change within yourself. Both are crucial to your future success.

There is no good time for bad news. Spend as much time as possible with your mom.

you can do this, hon. it will hurt a lot and it will change you but you can get through it. you don't have to stay strong through it all. you can be upset and need help and support.

look for counseling at school if only to have a place to vent about it all. and/or ask your mom's doctors for suggestions for caregiver groups or counseling. reach out to far away friends and family for phone calls or just texting to remind you they are there for you.

bad stuff still happens to good people. you can endure this. it won't always feel this way.

The King and all his best men rode out to meet their enemies in the battlefield. They fought for a long time and it appeared that they would be defeated.

Everything seemed dark and hopeless, just when the tired King was about to surrender the ring suddenly shined and caught his attention.

Engraved on the ring was an illuminated message – four words which he did not see before: “This too shall pass.”

All of the sudden, the King found new hope, courage and a burst of energy out of nowhere and fought back with everything he had. His new strength inspired his men to fight like never before, like men possessed. Soon, the tide of the battle turned and they won.

The King returned to his city and threw a massive celebration for many days. Just when he was losing himself in the midst of a great feast, the ring shined and there was an illuminated message which drew his attention.

This time it said, “This too shall pass.”

Those four words woke the King up and returned him to his centered self. He came back to his senses, he returned to clarity, which had always been there inside of him.

Dealing with betrayal: as much as it hurts, be grateful. Be grateful he broke up with you instead of dragging it out. He could have wasted years of your lives. If he had decided it was too cruel to break up with you now or that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, you would have not only wasted time, it would have really messed you up to be in a relationship where you weren’t valued.

Realize the person you loved was never real. It was who you thought he was, not who he really is.

Now you are free of it. You don’t have to juggle keeping him happy, fighting over priorities and wasting your energy and attention at a time when you have far more important and precious things to spend that energy and attention on.

It hurts, and that’s ok. It’s a better pain than the alternative so don’t let the added pain of what might have been slow your healing.

It takes more than a year to truly get to know someone. Sometimes people will slowly remove their mask, but sometimes it happens quickly. It sounds like he conned you into believing he was someone else. Unfortunately, he is a douche.

He never should have over shared any of that previous sexual experience with you. Let alone rate you against other females. No. That is not a good man that will give you a great future.

I agree with all the other advice here, focus on you, and your mom. Time is something we can’t get back- don’t let him take anymore of yours.

Hard to believe but: having all these sadnesses at once is better. You deal with the whole fucking lot and move on.

Imagine they came one at a time: you just got over one and BANG, rinse and repeat.

Do tell your graduate supervisor that you have issues though: they won't exactly cut you massive slack but they may enable you to adjust your schedule and deadlines to take the edge off. Also they may have ideas for funding

((Hugs)) I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like your ex is a real sociopath. Some people just don't have any empathy for others.

Just don't give up. Do everything you can to take care of yourself and you will get through it. You will be stronger in the end. If you find yourself having trouble coping right now, call your doctor and tell them. It can take a while to get into a psychiatrist, but your family doctor should be able to help short term.

As for trusting someone again; think back over your relationship and learn from it. Were there any warning signs that you missed? Don't blame yourself for being lied to. Therapy will help you with this. In the end, it's knowing that other people's shittiness doesn't reflect on you. You have to trust yourself to do your best and be able to cope with what happens.