Sabrina’s story: Why’d you do it?

I’ve always wondered why you thought it was okay to do the things.. the horrible things you’ve done to me. Maybe not even just me to other girls that thought you were different. I still remember that day clear as day, it was so perfect. Why’d you have to ruin it? Why did you do what you did to me? I know most of you are thinking what the hell is she talking about well you are going to find out but not just yet. I’ve always tried to look for the good in people weather they were the worse people on this crazy universe. The funny thing is thats what made all this happened, right? All the shit that has happened to me in my crazy life time is all-well because of me. Till this day I have nightmares of what would of happened if i didn’t point them out to you. You know my bestfriend and her boyfriend? They were there to you know, but you already knew that you tried to lie to them all I could do is run and cry. Didn’t think I’d say anything but you were wrong. How could you hurt someone that cared for you. Well now everyone gets to know the real you MY story.
Alright here’s my side of the story everyone is wondering about. I dated you for a couple months, thought you were the good guy. Maybe it’s because I hurt you that you wanted to get back at me. Maybe you thought it was okay what you were doing. I thought everything was okay that day, we laughed, and smiled at each other. Then they left us alone. Why? Why did she leave because that is when everything went down hill. I don’t blame her, i blame me for not following her, and for trusting you. After all i am the foul? Not knowing that this would happen I let it go. Until you go behind me and grabbed my arm a little to hard wrapped my own arm around my neck slowly. Pressed just a little to hard and got closer to me. Whispered in my ear “I could do anything on you right now” while you slowly pushed my arm in to my throat. I told you to let me go Muliple times why didn’t you let me go? Was it because you liked the fact you were in control? The fact you got me right were you wanted me? Scared and vulnerable? I was speechless and afraid to move. How could someone I thought cared about me do something so horrible to me? How could you live knowing what you did? That’s were my depression kicked in, but that’s not the end of this horrible story. What would they think of me? Should I tell my mom and dad? Would they be disappointed in me? I finally told my sister what had happened because I was to scared to tell anyone else. My sister forced me to tell my mom, that’s when the found out we had sex when we dated. I couldn’t stop crying, I was disappointed in my self for letting this happen to me. Why did I hangout with you that day? Why was I friends with someone that hurt me already in so many ways? I guess I’ll never know why you did what you did. All I wanted was you to admit you did wrong and say sorry. Who was i kidding right? You told everyone I said you rapped me. Why? You know that’s not true? Why make this all about me when you did wrong? Right? Or was this all my fault, did I ask for all this to happen to me? Everyday in school I got called a slut, whore, bitch, cunt, and a liar. But I wasn’t the liar, nor a slut, whore or and cunt. I told the truth, nothing could change people’s minds once it was out. I got bullied for months till i decided to leave the school. After that I still got bullied just not as much. Was that good enough for you? Did you like seeing me cry and get called names because you were to afraid to man up to what you did wrong? I tried to get over it all, but it was to much for me. I got message after message from your family about how much I was a whore and how I lied. Do they know you lied not me? Do they know how much of a coward you? Did they know years after doing it you finally admitted to doing all this? Saying how sorry you are? Most likely not. You wanted to be friends, how could I be friends with you after all the shit i went through? After all the shit you did to me? I tried to kill me self about a year after all this. It wasn’t only your fault, I had other reasons. You were a big part of it though. I was only bed thinking all the crazy things I could have done. Take a blade and slit my wrist upright and bleed out in the tub. Take a bath and just some how keep my body from coming up. The last thing was pills. In all reality I didn’t wanna die. I wanted the pain to go away and for that very second I was thinking about it thats all it could do to make it go away. I told my sister that i love her and how much pain i was in, i guess that is what gave it away. I grabbed my sleeping pills opened the bottled and kept thinking about how much easier it will be if I wasn’t here. How much of a disappointment i was to my family. I grabbed those pills and took my water bottle still thinking. Finally I told my self to shut it off, it will be easier to let my self go for everyone. I put the pills in my mouth and swallowed them. All I could do next is cry and cry. I got up went into the bathroom and sat down on the floor. My mom barged into the bathroom going off on me and noticed how loopy i was. I started to stumble across the floor and finally fell to the floor thinking this is it. All I remember is my mom screaming at me to stay awake and asking me why I did it. All I could do is close my eyes. I got to the hospital, when they told my mom I didn’t take enough to kill me. I though to my self I failed at doing the one thing I thought was right for me and everyone else. I was in the hospital for a whole week trying to find pills to help with my depression. How does pills fully help you? I used to think depression was because you were sad, but I guess I was wrong. Being depressed because of all the things we’ve been through because of other people can be intense. I’ve always thought it was my fault I was depressed, turns out it’s a chemical in your brain. How? It took me years to finally be happy, and guess what? I’m not on those crazy pills anymore. I guess happiness does exist. Who knew.

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The When You're Ready Project is a community for survivors of sexual violence to share their stories and have their voices heard, finding strength in one another. When you're ready to share your story, we will be here.