Monday, November 28, 2011

The following quiz is intended to evaluate your level of affection for oatmeal. Using the provided key, assign each of your answers a numeric value. At the end, tally your score to discover the extent of your oatmeal fanaticism.

I eat oatmeal:A) Everyday. Sometimes twice. Sometimes in the shower.B) Weekly. It’s okay for breakfast on the go.C) Monthly. When I’m out of Froot Loops and bologna.D) Never. It killed my dog.

My oatmeal comes from:A) The farm. I harvest it myself, with the oatmeal scythe I received for Christmas.B) A cardboard can. I make puppets from it when it’s empty!C) A 3-year-old packet at the bottom of my pantry, under the Windex.D) People intentionally trying to piss me off.

My favorite kind of sweet oatmeal includes:A) Fresh pumpkin puree, toasted walnut bits, and a dash of the finest cardamom.B) Honey, peanut butter, and bananas. I call it “The Elvis.”C) Rehydrated apples and cinnamon that can be carbon dated.D) The sweet oatmeal of death.

Gingersnap Oatmeal from Kitschen Bitsch (which I, Kris, have now eaten everyday for a week) sounds:A) Like the second coming.B) Like coffee with Angela Lansbury: melodic and educational.C) Like it’d taste better in a cookie.D) Like I’d rather have my tongue grated with a microplane zester.

At first, savory oatmeal sounds:A) Delicious! I dated a bowl of it from 2002 to 2005. B) Like interpretive kayaking: strange, but I’m willing to give it a shot.C) Like a science experiment. Nice try, Carl Sagan.D) Like being kicked in the esophagus.

Consequently, I’d equate Mark Bittman’s Oatmeal with Soy Sauce and Scallions with:A) A month-long orgasm.B) A Sandra Bullock movie; probably better than it has any right to be.C) Cleaning the house with your mother before guests come over; traumatic, with the ultimate possibility of understanding.D) Being forced to work in a gulag.

SCORE/EVALUATION

0 TO 6 POINTS: you are an oatmeal hater and honestly, a bit of a drama queen. You’d rather have your tongue scraped off than have a delicious breakfast? There is an MTV reality show in your future.

7 TO 12 POINTS: you are an oatmeal ambivalent. Once, in 2007, you bought a giant box of Quaker packets from CostCo, thinking they'd be great to take to the office. You ate the banana bread ones first. The plain ones are still in your pantry. You will end up donating them to charity.

13 TO 18 POINTS: you are an oatmeal enthusiast. Your relationship with oatmeal is quite healthy. Also, people like you and small animals feel comfortable landing on your shoulder. You should consider a career on Broadway.

19 TO 24 POINTS: you are an oatmeal extremist. Your love for oatmeal is all encompassing, and your family and friends fear for your sanity. To avoid being committed, eat eggs for a week straight. Should that fail, a straitjacket would not be out of place.

In a small pot, heat oatmeal, skim milk, and water over medium heat. As oatmeal mixture is warming, add all the other ingredients. Stir thoroughly to combine. Let cook until most of the liquid is absorbed, and the oatmeal reaches … y’know … an oatmealy consistency. Serve warm.

In a small pot, heat oatmeal and water over medium heat. As oatmeal mixture is warming, add soy sauce and about 1 tablespoon of scallions. Stir thoroughly to combine. Let cook until most of the liquid is absorbed, and the oatmeal reaches … y’know … an oatmealy consistency. Spoon into a bowl and drizzle sesame oil on top. Serve warm, with a few raw scallion slivers on top.