When you pay ten bucks a night in a dormitory in Singapore, you can’t complain that the guy to your left snores like an agonising buffalo or that the one to your right features feet smellier than yours. Not even when the room is 100 dollars a night there aren’t many chances that the owner leaves his Solitaire or Facebook session to check the mouse that hides under your bed. But when the price goes 1000 dollars or higher things look pretty different. No matter how relaxed and beautiful everything is, you must find something to complain. Otherwise, it seems as if you totally lack style. Here’s a list of ideas in case you are staying at Banyan Tree, a luxury resort on Samui island. Let’s complain.

1. Lush vegetation surrounds your villa, and you are thus exposed to all sorts of insects, singing birds and life, in general. What can be more dangerous and unpleasant than being surrounded by life? It happened to us during our stay to be visited by a CAT who circled our private pool, took a sip of water and disappeared behind a bush of frangipani! We had to lock ourselves inside the villa.

2. The resort is so big that you have to call for the caddy every time you need to go to the beach or the restaurant. Sure you could walk but that’s not what you’ve paid 1000 dollars a night.

3. The private beach is too small; there are pebbles in the sand and rocks in the water. Sure there’s a little truck that cleans the beach every day but it doesn’t have the magical power of turning Samui into the Maldives.

4. The villas are so big, and the private pool takes nearly all the space on the veranda – there’s barely a small corner left where you can grill some burger and no oven to bake your own bread.

5. You have a personal host attending all your needs. Once you check-in at Banyan Tree you are given a mobile phone and you can use that to call the host for whatever you want. The downsize – and that deserves a written complaint to the management – is that you need to charge the phone now and then. By yourself.

6. The SPA is so famous – it is the reason most of the people come to Banyan Tree Samui – that you have to make an appointment before you go there.

7. Out of 8 courses ordered at the restaurant only 7 are delicious, the 8th is just good.

8. The prices at the minibar are higher than those in the 7-11 supermarket.

9. When it rains on the island, it rains at the resort as well although you pay way more than the rest of the tourists. Look at these photos, how is it possible to be this cloudy at a five stars plus resort?

10. There are only 88 different activities the honeymooners can get involved in, starting with trips around the island and ending with teaching English in a local school. And then what?

11. Some days the general manager is too busy with the financial reporting and cannot come say hello to every guest. He himself dislikes this situation.

12. While you are having a romantic dinner at the sea view restaurant, an army of people enter your villa, clean up, make the bed, turn on the lights in the pool and deem the one in the bedroom. They turn on relaxing music, change the towels, fill up the shampoo, the shower gel and the body lotion bottles. And then hey leave. They only leave cookies behind, right on your pillow. When you come back home you can call reception and protest: I cannot find my mess!

13. The go-go bars in Chaweng are pretty far from the resort.

14. If you want to bring guests over at the villa, they have to communicate their personal information at the reception. Security reasons, they say.

15. It is very quiet. If you want to start an loud argument with your newly wedded wife about the future colour of the future bedroom walls in your future house, the neighbors might hear it, although their villa is 25 meters away. Same if you want to beat up your newly married husband.

16. The Thai employees reply certainly instead of sure or yes, something I find all airs and frills.

17. At breakfast, lost among hundreds of dishes, it’s quite difficult to choose what to eat. You might end up starving.

18. If you write a review – good or bad – on Trip Advisor, the general manager will find ten minutes to respond to it personally. Who’s taking care of the financial reporting, then?

19. During the signature treatment at the Banyan Tree – Rainforest Indulgence – you get water during the Swedish shower, water at the sauna, water in the Vitality Pool, water at the Rainwalk. How could one take a selfie without a waterproof device?

19. Some smarter guys booked the same villa for only 750 dollars directly on Banyan Tree website, taking advantage of a low occupancy period. See, the resort uses dynamic pricing, like airlines do. So, regardless of the season, you might end up with a good discount on their website if there is a fair share of villas available.