this is my own personal experience after a decade of "free love" and "one night stands" and "zipperless sex" and "love the one you're with" philosophy and lifestyle.

during that decade, when i was sexually promiscuous, i was lied to and tricked by several transsexuals and transvestites. i was also lied to and tricked by homosexual males who pretended to be heterosexual until i was in a vulnerable position (drunk and passed out). i was also deceived by almost every woman i slept with. i have had women tell me, after sex, that they are married, but they didn't want to tell me beforehand, because they were worried that i would be "turned off" by that.

it made me angry every time. this is why i stopped sleeping with strangers.

lying about who you are, to obtain sex, is disgusting predatory behavior. unfortunately, it is common and normal human behaviour. it is also very risky, as people who feel betrayed can turn ugly and violent very quickly. this too, i have witnessed and experienced often.

pretending to be someone else, projecting a persona, fear of rejection, sexual conquest, dishonest intimacy, shallow pillow talk, fraud, prestidigitation, exaggeration, betrayal, deception, delusion, camouflage, abandonment... all of these are standard operating procedure for the majority of sexually available and active people. you are navigating treacherous waters... the lonely singles. you must protect yourself at all times!

what happened to you was wrong. as long as you are looking for love, you will be lied to. people will say and do just about anything to get laid and avoid rejection. some liars even know they can't get away with it forever, and they are only delaying discovery, but they will continue denying the lie long after they are caught and convicted by indisputable truth. they just move on to the next victim.

please be cautious, wary, careful, and skeptic, while you search for your soul mate. trust and respect and intimacy must be withheld until the potential partner's professed personality or history has been verified to your satisfaction.

protect your soul at all times.

next time you have an opportunity for intimacy, think about what pain you are enduring right now, and ask yourself if it this ride is worth the price of admission.

take your time before bedding. desperation and desire can make a person gullible and vulnerable.

tricking a person into consenting to sexual contact, either by fabricating or withholding crucial information, in my opinion, and in my experience, is morally equivalent to rape, because the betrayed person feels deeply violated.

it does not legally qualify as rape, anyone who has experienced what you describe, knows how disgusted and angry you feel inside.

defending the perpetrator because we are sensitive to their "condition" is not what the victim needs to hear.

the person doing the deception, is hoping that they will get what they need from the other person, under false pretenses. they hope that the discovery of truth will come too late. there is the faint hope that the other person will "love" them enough by then, that the relationship will survive and continue after the disclosure, based on emotional investments. they are trying to limit the deceived persons options. slowly trapping them in a relationship they would otherwise not have agreed to co-create.

some men do not seek or enjoy intimate physical contact with other men, under any circumstances. the fact that the man does not want to be male, and has decided to live as a woman to the point where they are surgically altering their birth body, does not make them a woman, in the eyes of some people. it does not make them any less human. i can respect their situation and treat them like a lady, but i do not want sex with that person, as long as i am aware they were born male. strictly heterosexual men have a right to their preference, just as any other man. i am sure that most transgender people are painfully aware of this, and dearly wish it was not so. nonetheless, it is true, and not likely to change.

in the bad old days (before AIDS panic), we had the following (unscientific) categories... ---------------------------------asexual: no sex. period. not interested. monosexual: lonely masturbator. heterosexual: guys and gals only. homosexual: no members of opposite sex, please. bisexual: swinging both ways. trysexual: if it's sexual, i'll try it. (that was me)

i have been all of the above, at one time or another, but i was always a hetero at heart. i tried to be trysexual. after several stressful situations, same as yours, and similar, i made the conscious decision to be monosexual. that eventually evolved into my current monogamous marriage.

if you know who you are, and who you want to be with... it is time to be honest and to seek honesty in your potential partner.

you don't have to take my advice, but i highly recommend you resist your urges and delay the sex until you are 1000% sure you can risk intimacy. or else... grow some teflon rhino hide, and be prepared for an emotional nightmare of lies and betrayal.

no matter how careful you screen your dates, you will still feel deceived and betrayed.

i am still feeling that way with my wife, and we have been together for 30 years. those fears and doubts have haunted me to this day. the wonderful thing is, they no longer threaten me. i accept them as normal human flaws that i share with every other human being. these are not symptoms of my personal history. such things are enhanced and distorted by CSA, but not caused by it.

it is important that you realize that those negative emotions you experience are YOURS! you own them. no one can tell you they are not valid.

I am not advocating. I was simply stating my opinion that my experience of betrayal by a transgendered woman who didn't disclose their gender before sleeping with me multiple times felt "criminal" to me. To me. This is my experience and this is how I felt and I thought this was the safe place to express my opinions and feeling and not be judged or silenced and since it is a board here to serve male abuse victims I assumed a higher level of understanding regarding sexual betrayal.

If my freedom of speech is not welcome here then you have the right and power to delete my post but I do not believe that will serve the greater purpose of this forum.

Again. I am not writing my experience to advocate for any laws to make what happened to me a crime. Although I have every right to pursue that avenue if I chose to, but, I would not attempt to do that here on a forum where I was simply looking for kind words of support and encouragement. ( I did get that from a few posters and that I am grateful for).

I belive that If someone reading my original post doesn't agree with how I felt or should feel or my opinions of the level if severity that they can simply move on to the next post or decide to comment as they did.

dude you were acting out. if you were looking for a "mate" to have kids with then you were considering a relationship with someone who said they were going to rape you. Start being honest in your recovery and you will recover instead of acting out. And this is being supportive.

I don't belive I was acting out wallflower. This was a girl/guy that I was talking to for a long time. She told me from the very beginning that she was serious and I believed her. Yes as the relationship progressed the texting became sexual which was initiated by her as I usually don't sext and there were several heated txts back and forth where she stated that she was going to rape me. If it was a girl as I assumed at the time it would have been a turn on and it was. I do t judge her or myself to be sexual on txt and I don't see this relationship as part of my acting out. I did that several years ago and I am ready and serious abt finding someone right now. By all accounts this person seemed to be a healthy person both sexually and mentally and it seemed like were developing something meaningful that could lead into something serious.

Thanks again for sharing your story and insights. I spent years acting out and can relate to some of your experience. I find it encouraging to hear so many stories of men who had similar experiences and hear how they finally found a wife after it all.

Despite my most recent experience I feel I am in a much better place in my healing and hope to find the same. And I feel like since this experience happened i won't be fooled if ever faced with it again and as you suggested there are certain conversations that I can have to help filter out these experiences.

Looking back much of the problem was that I was blinded to who this person really was and overlooked many of the signs that all became apparent later. And how and why did this happen? Because this person was better looking than most women I come in contact with on a regulator basis and that it what makes this experience so frieghtening.

Nomad, I have been going through the recovery process for years. It seems that you have only begun your recovery. My advice to you is to hold off on relationships. The reason is because, and I am surprised your therapist hasn't advised this, you will continue to attract unhealthy relationships until the process has run it's course. You will bounce from one bad relationship to the next. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you attracted this. Speaking to her for 4 weeks by text is hardly time and energy spent getting to know a person. Your judgement is questionable when you say things like that. Also a person who was raped would not be turned on by rape texts. A lot of things don't add up for me and it's your naive way you defend your fake relationship as justification for your outrage. I'm not saying what she did was right but you young man are in no position to find a healthy relationship. You are by no means recovered. I say this with all the love of a brother. You have a long way to go. Trust me. Good luck and don't rush your recovery out of loneliness. Find a good network of friends and lean on them while you recover. There is a 12 step process and it took me years to go through it. Heal well.

I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO THE TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY. I was never online before May 29 of this year and have been a hermit for many years. I have never knowingly had a conversation with a transgender person and have never had a conversation with anyone about a transgender person. I am simply ignorant on the subject and so unknowingly made a reference of "tranny" that I now know was insensitive. I am gay, and if I read an online reference that said "no fags" I would be upset. Let me say that I have NO judgments about anyone's choice to choose transgender. Again, please accept my apology. It was from ignorance.

Sincerely,

Don

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Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Watch this weeks Two anda half Men. Somehow Alan bangs a transgendered, finds out and goes on dates with her and gets over it and finds he likes 'her'. if you liked it more than once, why not acknowledge it and process it instead of spinning it as a negative

Edited by Tyr (12/06/1306:55 PM)

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Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

I'm not certain exactly where this conversation is headed. but I would like to speak a word of caution. our experiences create who we are to a large degree. it is to our own sense of correctness that we must answer. it is easy to become hurtful toward others when our own sense does not match that of another. that does not make an event any less traumatic for them, only more so.I would hope that our common wounds would cause us to be sensitive to the pain of others,even if we do not share it. the feeling of betrayal from a partner not being forthcoming with that kind of information is not surprising. perhaps the relationship can move, perhaps not. but it is not bigotry or prejudice that caused the break if it occurs. it is common dishonesty

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Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

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