This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he was persuaded to buy a talking
centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar
and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting
on my fucking shoes."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pat and Mick go for an interview for a job.

Pat goes in first.

The foreman says...'I'm going to ask you two questions, Pat....if you answer them correctly you've got the job'

First question....'If you lost the sight of one eye what would you be?'

'Half blind' says Pat.

'Correct' says the foreman....and if you lost your sight in both eyes what would you be?'

'Completely blind' says Pat.

'Correct' says the foreman, 'you've got the job.'

Pat goes out and tells Mick...'You'll only be asked two questions Mick, the answer to the first question is half blind, and the answer to the second question is completely blind'.

Mick goes in and the foreman says, 'If I cut off one of your ears what would you be?'

Little :Mother, I want to grow up and be a bass player in a rock band. 's mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't be both.

Haha....

One day an Englishman, an American and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guiness. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking. The Irishman picked up the fly and started shaking it over the pint, yelling: " Spit it out, spit it out you bastard!"

Haha.....

Have a bunch of U2 jokes. That's very funny.....to see U2 being a laugh for other people... .....but some are pretty funny!

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one
>>year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
>>With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original
>>$1000.00.
>>With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
>>
>>If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
>>beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer,
>>then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you
>>would have $214.00.
>>
>>Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
>>drink heavily and recycle.
>>

Assassin Test
>
> The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
> checks,interviews and testing were done there were three finalists... Two
> men and a woman.
>
> For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
> large metal door and handed him a gun.
>
> "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
> the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
> chair.
>
> Kill her!!!"
>
> The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
>
> The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
>
> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
> went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
> came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, I but can't kill my wife."
>
> The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
> home."
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
> instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
> Shots were
> heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging
> on
> the walls.
>
> After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
> stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was
> loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
>
> Moral of the Story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
>

Very tongue-in-cheek......
>
> Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
> people who call in to her radio show. Recently she announced that as an
> Orthodox Jew she holds homosexuality to be an abomination (as it is
> written
> in Leviticus 18:22) and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The
> following is a letter to Dr. Laura penned by some guy in the US:
>
> Dear Dr. Laura:
>
> Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
> learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with
> as
> many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
> lifestyle,
> for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it
> to
> be an abomination. End of debate.
>
> I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
> specific laws and how to follow them.
>
> 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
> pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They
> claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
>
> 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
> 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
> her?
>
> 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
> period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I
> tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
>
> 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
> female,provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of
> mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
> clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
>
> 5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
> clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
> him
> myself?
>
> 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
> abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
> don't agree. Can you settle this?
>
> 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
> defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
> vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
>
> 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
> around
> their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How
> should they die?
>
> 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
> unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
>
> 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
> crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
> different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
> and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
> of
> getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we
> just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
> who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
>
> I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
> can
> help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
> unchanging.
>
> Your devoted disciple and adoring fan, Jack
>

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: - that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER

My mother entertains in aged-care facilities ( as I say, more gigs than U2) She always has a collection new jokes when i visit with her. Unfortunately I am THE worlds' worst joke teller...bu there goes......

This man was feeling lonely, so he decided to get a pet. He went to the pet shop only to find all the animals were sold. The pet shop owner could see his disappointment.
"I do have one animal left" he says 'a centipede....only thing is, it's a talking centipede"
"That's Ok, a talking centipede will be great"

The man gets home and decides now he has a freind he'll go out for the evening
"Hey centipede, wanna go tot the pub?"...silence.
'Hey CENTIPEDE, wanna go to the pub?"...silence
"HEY!! CENTIPEDE..WANNA GO TO THE PUB!!"

"Hang on, hang on" says the centipede "I'm putting my shoes on!"

I don't know if you recall the "Are You A shoe-a holic?" thread that was here a few months ago...but I voted I can relate to that joke. I hadn't seen my parents for ages until the last school holidays, so being able to sit around the table and have dad alive and mum telling jokes as usual, was an absolute gift

oh she knows so many, those old folks get up to some mischief, thanks to people like my mum.

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings the drink over to him and notices that the pirate's pants look weird because there's something circular in them. The bartender realizes what it is and asks the pirate if he knows there's a steering wheel in his pants. The pirates nods and says, "Arrr....it's driving me nuts!"

U2 and REM have decided to do a few shows together in Chicago and Milwaukee. Unfortunately, the weather in Chicago is so bad they are forced to take the commuter train to Milwaukee instead of flying.
So, they go to Union Station and Bono, Larry, Edge and Adam each by a one-way ticket to Milwaukee. Out of REM, only Stipey purchases a ticket.
"How are you guys gonna get to Milwaukee only on one ticket?" Bono asks.
"Don't worry about it," Stipey answers.
"Yer gonna get kicked off the train," Edge sneers
"Just watch," Mike replies back.

So the two bands get on the commuter train, with U2 seating themselves
in the main cabin and all of REM crams into the lavatory. The conductor
comes by calling for tickets. U2 dutifully hand over their proofs of passage.
When the conductor gets to the lavatory, he sees that it reads "Occupied."
"Tickets please!" the conductor calls, knocking on the door. All of U2
watches as the door opens slightly and a single arm holds out the ticket. The conductor takes the ticket.
"Thank you sir." And the conductor moves on to the next car.

So the bands play in Milwaukee and then it's time to take the train back to Chicago. So, at Milwaukee train station, U2 has wised up. Larry, ever eager to stretch a dime, purchases on ticket for the band. REM purchases nothing.

"Oh, come on!" Bono marvels. "Now there is NO WAY you guys can get back to Chicago with no ticket!!!"
"Don't worry about it," Stipey answers.
"Yer gonna get kicked off the train!" Edge laughs.
Nobody replies.

So, the two bands board the train and all of U2 crams into a lavatory and they shut and lock the door. Then, all of REM except Stipey cram into the other lavatory. Once the train has begun moving, Stipey knocks on U2's door.
"Tickets please!"