My Journey as a newly submissive wife

Month: January 2016

This week we are back to our normal schedule. We had a break last week with all the snow but now that that’s over back to training hard for the dogs. I have so much going on. I have 3 dogs in classes. One is actually in two classes, nosework and novice obedience. Plus keeping the house clean for Sir and cooking dinner. I am also involved in numerous groups and organizations that have meetings. Ugh! And I’m trying to keep up with the blog. I know I haven’t been writing as much as I normally do but just bare with me.

Also in the last couple of days I’ve had to make a pretty hard decision about trying to go back to work. Not as a police officer but as a Crime Analyst for the department. The position opened up the 27th and closes on the 6th of February. I have until then to apply for it. This is the second time this job has come up in my line of sight. I applied for it once when I was on light duty the last time but backed out because I got better and decided to go back to the street. Now that I am definitely not going back to the street its funny that this position opens up. I think it might be a sign. So I am definitely going to apply for it. I am having a friend help me get my resume’ together and I am going to ask a couple of people to write recommendation letters for me (people as in my sergeant and major). I am nervous though. 75% is based on experience and 25% is based on an excel exam that you have to take. I got the experience part nailed I think but that damn excel test is going to be a pain in the ass. I’ve already started studying for it. So if I do get the job I will being working 8-4, M-F. Let’s talk about the good things…..1) Will have secondary insurance, which will help with our ever-growing medical bills due to my Lupus. 2) Will allow me to use the degree that I paid close to $20,000 to get. 3) Will keep me in the work force for another 13 years. 4) Will be working with a great group of people. I toured where they were the last time I applied and everyone seemed extremely nice. Ok now for the bad things…1) It won’t allow me to have a lot of time training my dogs. 2) I will have to put the kennel business on the back burner for now. 3) nervous about learning how to do a new job, I mean I’ve been doing the same job for the past 7 years. Learning something new will hard. 4) I will be taking somewhat of a pay cut. I think I currently make somewhere in the mid 20’s and hour. If I take this job I will only be making $17.30 an hour, which isn’t bad but it’s still a pay cut. I think the quality of the good things definitely outweigh the bad things. So here I go, wish me Luck!!!! 🙂

Disclaimer: There is no right way to practice BDSM. You do what feels right for you and your partner. There are no set rules. I am in no way trying to tell people how to live their BDSM life. I am simply giving my opinion on a subject.

I went back and forth on whether or not to make the this post. I know it will probably offend and piss some people off. But before you unfollow me (LOL), just remember it’s only an opinion and opinions are like assholes everyone has one.

So, yes I’m on Fetlife. Yes, I have this blog. Yes, I have Twitter Account, and yes I socialize a lot on both. But I don’t spend my every waking second behind a computer. I am out in my local BDSM community participating in events such as Munches, Play Parties, Sub Lunches, Special Interest Group Events, etc.

I know people have their reasoning for not being involved in their local community. Careers or professions, living in a rural community that doesn’t have a BDSM community, or some communities are so tight knit that they do not appear open to newcomers. Actually I can’t say that I buy the whole Careers/profession excuse because I know plenty of Cops, Judges, Lawyers that are involved in the lifestyle. It’s all about anonymity and how you carry yourself. I don’t like to be photographed at events. At least until my retirement is finalized. But I take precautions I don’t ignore the events completely. How I feel about it might offend some people. You can practice BDSM any way you want to. There are no set rules but I don’t see how these “closeted” people know what they are doing without seeing it in real life. Ya Know going and having conversations with real life people that are involved in the lifestyle.

Sir and I are strong believers in being involved in your local community. We try to attend as many events as we can. We go to munches and play parties, not to play but to socialize with our friends. We aren’t big into watching others play we mainly go for the socialization. Talking about our common interests with other people has helped our relationship grow. I attend Sub lunches and other events that are made specifically for subs, bottoms, switches in bottom mode…pretty much anyone on the right side of the slash. Its helpful when you have sub issues that you want to discuss and they’ve all been there and can give you real advice not something that’s in a book. Last week we went bowling, it was so much fun. I haven’t been bowling in so long. I sucked majorly but that wasn’t the point of going. I met two new subs and were able to talk to the ones that I already knew from other events. I had been participating in a two dog show trials that day so I was tired as hell. I really wanted to just go home and go to bed but I decided to go to the bowling event anyway and I’m glad I did. Our community is so open and receptive. We do events like that and we have a monthly forum where a topic is discussed by sub, Doms, and Switches separately then we get into a big group and discuss the topic. Its great to hear some peoples opinions on things or suggestions on how to do things. Because a lot of times its something you never thought of trying or doing.

Our first experience at going to a live event, which was a Slosh, was terrible. We went to the place, didn’t know anyone. We were quite overdressed and no one approached us. So we had one drink and left. After that I went on Fetlife and decided to reach out to the creator of the event. The next Slosh we attended we found him and he introduced us to everyone there. We had a really good time getting to know everyone and letting them get to know us. It was in a very vanilla setting (I mean hey it was a bar). But it was fun to discuss our different kinks and get ideas from some of the people there.

We will be attending our first conference-like event next month. We will have to travel for it seeing as it isn’t in our city. It’s only 1-2 hour drive. But we are so excited about going and meeting more people in the lifestyle and learning. It’s a Saturday event where during the day there are classes and at night there is a dungeon party. So we will only be up there Friday and Saturday night.

In end this post I guess is about being involved in your community. Do it! Don’t be afraid to get out there! Staying behind the computer isn’t a way to live out you BDSM life.

So…there are a couple of subs I’m friends with online and they are perfect. Their bodies are just simply perfect. I envy them. I weigh 194 lbs when I used to be 110 lbs. The worst part of it all is that I believe in my head to some extent that Sir is not attracted to me anymore. He tells me he loves me and I’m beautiful all the time. But deep down in my brain I just can’t believe it. I envy people that are so comfortable with their body, whether they are small or large, they celebrate their body. I am just not there. I think that is something that I desperately need to work on.

I guess lately, honestly I haven’t been feeling sexy at all. I feel like i’m gross to look at. So I try to keep covered up in my Under Armour gear (Since its so damn cold out). I sleep in pants pajamas and sometimes my stomach really gets in the way of my sleeping. I normally go to a therapist but I haven’t seen her since last year. Perhaps I should make an appointment to discuss this.

I think writing about it is helping too. I hope this reaches someone who is in the same position and it helps them get on the path to celebrating themselves. I am determined to get better at doing this. I know Sir would never lie to me so I know he really loves me. But does he really find me attractive? I don’t know. I guess it’s like that old saying you need to love and appreciate yourself before you can love and appreciate another person. It just doesn’t really matter until you can love and appreciate the situation you are in. And figuring out a way to be happy. That is the point. So I’m determined to get there.

Hello everyone! Well by now you all know that I am a police officer. Retiring soon, but still a police officer at this point. I am also a Thirty-One Gifts consultant. We had a local police officer who was shot and injured on the job on January 8, 2016. I am doing a Thirty-One fundraiser for him and his family. I will be donating my entire commission (25% of sales) to his family. His wife has to take off from work to care for him and they have one child who was born September 2015. This family needs our help and our prayers.

Yep, we’ve had our first snow and that dropped the temperature down. I’m glad I only have one puppy that needs “assistance” going to the bathroom. The rest I can watch from the door. I hate the cold, just letting you know. I would rather it be sunny 90 degrees all year round.

I have plenty of under armour to get through training sessions with the dogs but its the simple fact that I just hate the cold. I hate working in the cold, its just a nuisance. Cold doesn’t bother Sir seeing as he works in a freezer, he actually wears shorts in cold weather. CRAZY!!! But anyway I hate driving in the snow and cold too many people that can’t drive. Last night I was coming home from dog training and almost got ran off the road TWICE by two different semi-trucks. I’m terrified of semis anyway but this has made my fear worse. I was shaking because they were so close to hitting me. I prayed the whole rest of the way home and stayed away from any semi-truck.

Saturday I went to our local sub lunch. It was a lot fun, met two new subs and had great conversation. I love our little group of subs that meet, they are all so sweet and knowledgeable. We always have a great time. Next Saturday we are all going bowling…it’s gonna be a busy day for me. I have the Dog Show in the morning. I will probably be done with that around 1pm, then I have have Bowling @ 4pm-6pm then our training club is having a party from 7-9pm. Gonna definitely be a busy day. But this sub is used to having busy days here lately.

Since I’ve been in the hospital and sick my housework has gone to the way side and the house is horrible. It’s kind of like I’m at that spot where I don’t even know where to begin in all the cleaning. But it makes me sick looking at it all.

So last week my mother in law called me and asked me if I needed any help cleaning my house. Well let me tell ya when she says clean…she means…clean. We cleaned under couches and everything. So we cleaned my entire basement, living room, and kitchen spotless and sanitized. I was so wore out by the time she left. She said we’d clean the rest at another time. I didn’t think that time would be so soon. She called last night and wanted to come over today to help clean some more.

We have one room in our house that’s an extra bedroom but me and Sir have unintentionally turned it into our “closet”. So there’s clothes and miscellaneous stuff that we have thrown in there and forgot about. God, I had forgotten how many fucking shoes I have. I am not allowed to by another pair of shoes for a long while, LOL.

So that was the room that we decided to work on today. Clothes everywhere, clothes that had been forgotten about and new clothes that needed to find homes. We had tubs to sort out the clothes so we sorted all of me and Sirs clothes and shoes out. I hadn’t seen the floor in that room for a while, its very sad to say….very sad. Did a lot of laundry, that’s still going ugh! I hate laundry but now that I’m somewhat caught up it shouldn’t be so bad. We worked all day! I even put my uniforms in tub to get them ready to be sold when I retire.

I am so tired and achy right now LOL. But I feel good about what we have accomplished today. She’s coming over again tomorrow to help finish cleaning that room and help me fold more laundry. She is the nicest person in the entire world. She refused to let me pay for lunch. But it is nice hanging out with her. I miss my own mother so much, its’ nice to have someone being maternal toward you.

Ok, so after talking to some people (real life people) I realized I may have done my goals list a little immaturely. I should have categories in these goals and more than only 5. So I am redoing my goal list and I also realized that it’s kind of important to share this with Sir and have a dialogue about it. So I have done that and here is the finished product….I’ve broken them down into categories…

Physical

Eat healthier, less fast food

Cook more—at least 2-3 times a week

Stay out of the hospital

Get Lupus completely under control

Career

Save up money to get business legalized by state $525 total…save $25 per two weeks.

Work with SBDC to get business plan made and to get funding for business

Work dogs everyday. Come up with a daily schedule for each dog and what they need to work on that day. (this can also be counted as physical goal because it does take a lot of me to practice with these babies)

Become better handler

Take Seminars offered by different training facilities

Work on building boxer klub

Life

Try to stay in contact with friends better

Dig Deeper into my submission by reading books on BDSM and submission

Keep better records

Keep House clean

Journal everyday

Blog at least 3 times a week (M,W,F)

Relationship

Communicate my feelings better

More active in the BDSM Community–Sloshes, Munches, Parties

Attend Conferences and Seminars to learn more about lifestyle

Date night with Sir at least once a week

Be mindful of my rules and protocols

Continue attending the sub-only get togethers

Travel

Will travel with the dog shows- Evansville, Sharonville, Indianapolis

2016 American Boxer Club National in May- Indianapolis

2016 USA Box Show- WI in June or July

On one of Sirs weeks off would like to go to New Orleans

Financial

Continue to stay on track to getting out of debt

Save more money- $100 a month

Cut out unnecessary spending

Get Sunday paper for coupons

Make decisions together on big purchases

I am going to make in update on how I’m doing on all these goals in three months. Yep you guessed it I put it in my calendar to do so, LOL. I think it’s important for everyone to work on personal growth. Wither it be new years goals or resolutions or whatever you call them, we should NEVER be complacent with ourselves. We should always be growing and learning.

Well you guys know how SUPER organized I am. So it should be no surprise that I have a love affair with my planner throughout the year. LOL. Really I will forget things if I don’t write them down. I’ve tried going to only digital scheduling but I still ended up forgetting. So I still do the ole’ pen and paper planner too. I just got my new one for 2o16.

I personally prefer the Erin Condren Life Planners (www.erincondren.com) they are amazing. I’ve used one the past year for the first time and I will never go back to another planner. Yes, they are pricey but so well worth it. They are $50, but if you follow this link on my blog you will get $10 off. https://www.erincondren.com/referral/invite/ellashaferriell0616

This year I decided as Christmas gifts I would get my mother in law and sister in law one. I think they really could benefit from it with the busy lives they lead. So we decided that New Year’s Day would be spent decorating our planners. I did this with my first one and went a little crazy at Hobby Lobby buying stickers and washi tape.

So here I am again in the aisle at Hobby Lobby this time with my mother in law buying up the store. So tonight is the night we designated to decorate our planner books. Can’t wait to do it. I know I’m such a nerd. I’m not normally a “crafty” person but I love decorating my planner for the year.

I was thinking about getting a new submissive Journal for the year but I have so many pages left in my journal I have now. Towards the end of the year I slacked off a bit when I was sick. I guess today is a good day to start back and make it an everyday occurrence. LOL. I’m sure that since I am getting better health-wise Sir is going to be more strict and I’m sure our protocols will be put back into place as well. I can’t wait. I feel strangely vanilla and I don’t like it. LOL.

I hope everyone had a good first day of the year!!!

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