Spiderweb

I havent really wrote much about my problems on message boards for awhile. It doesnt help or mean anything. Noone that reads this can give me anything except sympathy and understanding. ning crybaby. Im reluctant to write this because I dont want to lead on the young teenagers that come onto these sites to express their angst. They should understand that at least they have time. Everything is in front of them. Not behind. Im 31 years old. Ive experience depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts most of my life. I am all but convinced that there is no real hope or cure for whatever has happened to me. Im trapped in this seemingly enternal condition that has no real way out.

There are alot of factors in my life that has contributed to the way I am. Things I cannot change. You cant treat it with a pill or inject it, or bandage it. It doesnt heal. Infact oddly enough the wound slowly and frustratingly grows wider. I felt i through everything and the kitchen sink at it and it never moved an ounce. All i feel is fear and misery. Like being trapped in a spiderweb. Just waiting to die. The shadow slowing closing upon you. Nothing to do with all of your determination and fight. Nothing to do. Nothing ever changes.

I dont know what life is, I just know im not good at it and i have failed miserably. I believe I am the biggest waste of human flesh in the world. I actually do believe that. Murderers and rapists have more meaningful lives than me. Im not really living, im just here. I didnt ask to be here and have no interest to be here but well im stuck here. And its taboo to want to leave a bad movie early. People just want me to just hang in there and have hope. Hope is such a hollow word. It means nothing to me. Its like the word luck in a casino. Its nothing but a word. A feeble concept to try to throw at someone who has nothing to hope for.

I have a bizzare and disturbingly predictable life. I have literally failed at almost everything in my life. Jobs, relationships, dreams. I stikeout on everything. Im the guy thats always at the wrong place at the wrong time. That gets rejected. Meet the wrong person. Runs out of time. Never has a chance. I cant even begin to explain all of the little bizarre things that happens to me. I live in this contant mirage. Whenever i get close to something good, it changes into something bad. Maybe thats the order of things. Im not allowed to succeed. Im not allowed to be happy. I dare try to change my life, but like in quicksand the more you struggle the quicker you sink.

So I stop struggling so much. Im 31 now. My youth is gone. I have nothing to look forward to in life. I have noone. I have nothing. I hate my life and myself intensely. But its nothing I can do to change it. So I just wake up trying to find a way to cope and get through the day. Prisoners have more freedom than I do. At least they have friends. No pressure. I guess. This is just a meaningless rant. It means nothing. I mean nothing. Not to anyone or anything or any God. Life is not precious. It wasnt meant to be to everyone. I lost the lottery. I got a bad hand. Too bad. So sorry. Live with it. I was beaten and abused as a child. Mercilessly abused by other students. Raped by a gay male teacher. Because I was weak and vulnerable. I live in a disfunctional family where my father sleeps with my oldest sister and my sister used to molest me and my mother knows about it but pretends nothing is happening. Im a ugly, grotesque looking guy, which makes love impossible to find and loneliness second nature. Im a hermit. I have severe mental problems. My anxiety is crippling. I cant hold a job, I cant support myself, I cant meet people, I couldnt go to college, I have seeminly fear of everything. I lost someone I cared for deeply recently in a very disturbing manner that has never left my conscious and haunts me each minute of the day. I get used and abused by anyone I even try to reach out to. People are so cruel and viscious and they dont care. I found out the worse kind are the ones that tell you "God bless" before they sign off or say goodbye. Too bad. So sorry. Live with it.

Im stuck. In a place that noone knows where I am or how to find me. And I look around and there is no way out. I have attempted suicide before. I survived it. I wish so badly I didnt because ever since I havent had the courage to do it again. I think about suicide every day but I know I could never do it. I think a person who takes their own life to end the unreasonable and irrational suffering they go through are brave and has courage I could never imagine having. I envy them because they took the peace they rightfully deserved and made it their own. The peace they would never have been able to find here in the creul world. Its hard to believe that I was able to accomplish to be everything I never wanted to be. I dont know what happens when we die. All I know is I have no memory of before I was born. So I should have no memory of my existence here. And ultimately that is what I want and crave. To not see the faces of those ive lost. To not relive the trauma and abuse in my mind and in dreams. To escape these memories that haunt me and torment me in every way.

Im a coward. I would never kill myself. Too afraid to live and too afraid to die. Imagine waking up and realizing, wow, this is it. I get one chance at life and this is it. Complete utter miserable and worthless existence. Just nothing to live for, everything to die for. You wake up and your 30 years old and youve accomplished nothing. This is it. Congrads, you have one of the worse lives in the world. Mental problems, health probelms, conditions, disorders, diseases, trauma, failures, bad luck, abuse, loneliness, loss, poor, depressed, unaatracive, worthless, hopeless, talentless, unintelligent, weak, all wrapped up into one perfect mess of a man. I think I was Gods experiment of what happenes to a human when you give them every single negative trait. Maybe a stronger person could have overcome. Im not that person. Far from it.

So much pain... its unbearable. Im hurting so bad. I have no more tears left. Im crying sand. I cant live. I cant die. Im stuck in this spiderweb. Now enough ranting like a little child. Go back to being nothing. Pray the nightmare doesnt come. Just sleep and hope I dont wake up. What kills you isnt the spider. Its the web.

You aren't alone hon. There are millions of people who feel as you do...I used to be one of them and at times I find myself back in that black hole. I too have been depressed for pretty much all my life and I was sure it would never get better. Since I've been in therapy and I'm on medication I actually have good days...bad days...bearable days...even down days, but very few black days. I know that when I'm having a down day, it won't last...I didn't have that assurance a few years ago! I still have a very low opinion of myself and I still wish I had died when I tried to kill myself...life is still hard, but I can now laugh and smile and enjoy a beautiful day...it wasn't that long ago when that would have been impossible. I know "hope" sounds hollow...just a 4 letter word...it feels that way for me a lot of the time, but not all the time. Me, I'm 49 years old. I've tried to kill myself several times, some seriously...the first time when I was 31 (honestly).

I'm not going to tell you life is grand...happiness is just around the corner, but I will tell you it is possible to have some good days where it almost feels worth it to be alive...maybe even have some hope that if I can actually have good days, maybe....just maybe I can crawl out of that black hole for good some day...for you, off that web!

I'm not very good at responding to people in here, but you sounded so much like me I just had to try to find some words to tell you. Feel free to PM me.

I think that your message touched people so much that it was hard to reply to...I know it touched me. I could feel your pain come through that post. Sometimes it can be hard for people to come up with the words to try and help. I don't know if I'm making much sense so I'll stop here. Just don't take the lack of response personally! :hug:

Thanks. Im not sure how much I touch anyone. Maybe some can relate, maybe not. I wasnt expecting alot. I understand. It wasnt about that as much as it was about letting out things I bottled up for too long. Feel horrible today. Still searching for a cure.

I'm 30. I think it is how you look at life. Realistically, being 30 is just being. You've been on earth for 30 years, big deal. At 30, or 31, you do still have youth left. I've met a few people recently, all 33 incidentally, and one or two looked and seemed as if they were 25. I was genuinely shocked when they told me their age. To me, there was no difference between them, and somebody who still has abundant youth. 31 is still quite young.

I woke up just before I was 30 and thought "JESUS CHRIST I'VE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE". So, off to uni I'm going. Fuck it. Why not? People of 45 and 50 are going to uni. People of 75 are running 26 mile marathons.

I noticed a huge negative tone coming from your painful words. This is what rubs off, and because it is your core message about yourself (not good enough) thisis probably why you fail at things.
The energy you put into things really does dramatically effect the result.

Have you ever been to a therapist to find out how to change your thinking from negative to positive? Before anybody bashes that, what's the alternative? Suicide? Perpeptual pain? Seriously, positive thinking will revolutionise your life.

Also, finding love does not have much to do with looks if you're a man. Confidence is everything.

I think that your message touched people so much that it was hard to reply to...I know it touched me.

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That certainly is my case...it was even hard to read, I mean, confronting I guess....
I'm 43, about to turn 44 in a few months and, you know,I feel failed, made the wrong decisions, probably still do, didn't chace my dreams, gave up easy,etc,etc. I have to get my energy from the litle achievements and hope that at least I didn't appear to be such a faillure as a mother as I often think I am.
So yeah, I don't know, I guess you aren't waiting for a post like this, but didn't want you to think that your thoughts, what you wrote, didn't mean a thing to people.
take care

I'm 30. I think it is how you look at life. Realistically, being 30 is just being. You've been on earth for 30 years, big deal. At 30, or 31, you do still have youth left. I've met a few people recently, all 33 incidentally, and one or two looked and seemed as if they were 25. I was genuinely shocked when they told me their age. To me, there was no difference between them, and somebody who still has abundant youth. 31 is still quite young.

I woke up just before I was 30 and thought "JESUS CHRIST I'VE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE". So, off to uni I'm going. Fuck it. Why not? People of 45 and 50 are going to uni. People of 75 are running 26 mile marathons.

I noticed a huge negative tone coming from your painful words. This is what rubs off, and because it is your core message about yourself (not good enough) thisis probably why you fail at things.
The energy you put into things really does dramatically effect the result.

Have you ever been to a therapist to find out how to change your thinking from negative to positive? Before anybody bashes that, what's the alternative? Suicide? Perpeptual pain? Seriously, positive thinking will revolutionise your life.

Also, finding love does not have much to do with looks if you're a man. Confidence is everything.

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What a mediocre, predictable load of bollocks. It doesn't help at all, positive thinking for many, like multiple man will not help. "30 is the beginning of your life" Will not help, It just makes you think of what you have missed in those 30 years.

What i see in your post is "i have done it, you should be able to" No, bollocks.

Multiple man, can i speak with you on an instant messenger? Msn, maybe?

This is just a outlet I think. It sorta helps but never fails to make me emotional and cry more. The thing I try to express to people is the severity of whatever in Christs name is wrong with me. It is beyond my understanding and the understanding of every so-called professional ive ever saw. I stop going to therapy and treatments after 11 years because my last psychiatrist sighed at me and said "you just need to live with it." And then perscribed me the exact same medication ive been taking previously that I explicitly said did not work for me.

This is a bad analogy so I apologize but its the first thing that popped up in my head. Imagine being on a plane. It starts to shake violently. There is a storms hitting you at every turn. Just constant trauma and unrest. The captain tells everyone to brace for impact. Your falling, slowly out of the sky. You walk into the cockpit. Theres no captain. Theres noone. Infact, your the only one on the plane. You dont know how to fly, steer, land, anything, your just going down. You cant see anything infront of you, just dark clouds of fear. Lights flickering, plane shaking, everything falling apart. But you are determined your not going to give up still. You try to steer, brake, pushing every single button in front of you. Now you seem to have pushed the wrong one and made it worse. Now you seem to be falling faster. Nothing is working or helping. Theres no life jacket or anything. Nothing. Your scared to death. Youve tried everything you could think of humanly possible. You dont understand anything. Your in the cockpit calling for help. Help me doctor, help me nurse, help me mama, help me father, help me God. Im falling. Im suffering. I dont know what to do. Knowing im about to crash. I cant stop this plane from free falling. I literally feel like I have no control or stake in what happens.

This is my life. Literally. Being trapped in a web indefinitely. A web that thread by thread consist of every memory of abuse, rape, molested, failure, rejection, mistake, loss, broken dream, broken heart, screams, job lost, friend lost, family lost, love lost, door closing, words, faces, and hope denied. A friend told me awhile ago, some people you cant help you can only witness. I told him i felt he was right. I cant help myself. Im only witnessing too. Seems like thats all i can do. Just sit back in my seat. Cry. Squeeze the cross I wear around my neck. And fall.

But as we speak, im still searching for a cure. Its called forgive them... forgive yourself.

That psychiatrist you saw that sighed was probably frustrated by his/her own failings with you!! It sounds like you haven't found the right person to help you yet and should keep looking!

Forgiveness is important...but not easy to do. I know I haven't been able to forgive my father yet nor myself, but the anger and the sadness eat away at you over the years.

I think it's good that you can let some of what you're feeling out...here in this forum and I hope you continue to do so. I can relate to what you are feeling...instead of free falling, I felt like I was going to explode...out of control and toxic.

What a mediocre, predictable load of bollocks. It doesn't help at all, positive thinking for many, like multiple man will not help. "30 is the beginning of your life" Will not help, It just makes you think of what you have missed in those 30 years.

What i see in your post is "i have done it, you should be able to" No, bollocks.

Multiple man, can i speak with you on an instant messenger? Msn, maybe?

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Fair comment. I have done it, so I know what I'm talking about. Everything has two ways of being looked at, doesn't it? If it can be looked at negatively, it can also be looked at positively. Neither is right or wrong. Neither are even real. However, one imprisons you, the other liberates you.
I was merely pointing out the possibility of changing thought processes cognitively as that, a possibility, which, offers a better alternative to one of misery.

The pain of multiple man's post could have been written by me at one stage. I'm not trivialising it, I'm offering a tried and tested method. Ultimately, it is his decision. Thanks for your feedback.

I agree that you haven't found the right shrink or therapist.. They are out there so don't give up looking.. My therapist has had major progress with me..I still isolate myself from the world because I don't feel I belong.. I also am afraid of people because of the abuse I took while growing up.. I was also molested when I was twelve and tried to commit my first time when I was thirteen..I have had two other failed attempts since then..I have failed at everything and never even finished high school.. I just want you to know that there is help you just have to find it.. Today I still isolate all the time, but I am able to get out of the house in the mornings and have started driving again. Still a little shakey on that one..Your thread moved me and I hope you keep posting because it has helped me alot.. before I wouldn't talk to anyone, being here has given me a knew voice and I have made some knew friends..Take care!!

I would sigh at me too. Im completely hopeless. Im my own worse enemy. I hate myself for who I am and what I am. I cant stand to be in my own skin. I look like an animal and have the courage of a flea. Who cares? It doesnt matter. Im tired of being ugly. Watching normal people live so happy and carefree. My sadness is morphing into anger. I beat myself up. I deserve it. Im too slow to die. You guys have no idea. Just use your imagination and think of what the most worthless person alive would look like. There is no help. Theres no way to cope. No injections. No pill to take. I am the problem. After 11 years I couldnt sit through another shrink. I just cant.

I agree that positive thinking can help you in some ways. Help make better decisions and focus when your head isnt clouded with doubt and fear. But never in the history of the world has a positive thought produced a positive outcome. Only through hard work and determination do you acheieve positive results. I took CBT therapy for 4 years. I tried hard to stop the flow of my negative way of thinking. They even tried to get me to fake my attitude until I became the type of person i wanted to be. I think it backfired in a way. I was naive to think that people would react to me differently if I pretended to be a bright, attractive, happy, outgoing guy. Its like a troll putting on Knights armor. Im still a troll.

I remember sitting in college and I told a joke in class while the teacher was at the chalkboard. This was one of my attempts to be outgoing and funny, just like the CBT therapist recommended. I told the joke and noone laughed. About 15 minutes later, another student who was late to class came in and sat down. He told the exact same joke unaware that I did 15 minutes previously, and the class erupted in laughter. It wasnt difficult to figure out why. He was attractive, popular, and charismatic. He was everything I was trying to fake to become. I was jealous, envious. I felt inferior. I am inferior. I dropped out of college later that year and never went back because of the depression and anxiety attacks.

I dont know how I look at things. I think I try hard to be a realist. I need positive things to happen in my life. I need new and happier memories to write over the tragic ones. I need new relationships and friends to get over the ones I lost. I dont have that. I dont have any possibility of that. Thats the point. Thats why im whining like this. Its not even something I can work hard at cos I dont know where to begin or how to fight it. Im not in control of the results.

I have no interest in being this man. Living his life. I was a mistake. I want to live. I want to be here. Just, not as me.

Im not at all far from blame. There are millions of things I wish I could do differently. I guess I hate myself because everyone else does. It was the only thing I was taught.

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You sound like a nice, sensitive, gentle, kindly, and caring guy.
I doubt anyone else faced with the same problems in life you have, would have done any better. Its easy for people who have never experienced the same to spout useless advice of the annoying "if I were you" sort. I get that all the time.