11 December 2016

Face To Face With Greatness

Disney's latest film
Moana tells the story of a
teenage Polynesian girl that wants to run away from home. However
although most teenage girls that runaway from home do so for
dangerous reasons, such as the fact that they've put their trust into
an older man with a nice car and a predatory agenda, Moana simply wants
to save her island from a destructive curse. To do this she must hunt
down a demi-God named Maui who is essentially responsible for all of
the troubles that she's suffering, which must be nice for her. I mean,
as a society, we're all used to a God being at the heart of our
troubles, but unlike everybody else that's ever been gullible enough
to believe in one, at least she knows that hers isn't total made-up
bullshit. Her adventure involves travelling overseas, which is
something that her father has strictly forbidden her to do because
it's dangerous and he has some common sense. However the girl's dying
Grandma is at a point in her life where she clearly doesn't give a
fuck about anything and so encourages our hero out on her suicide
mission. The old woman also thinks that once she dies she'll turn
into a giant stingray looking thing that'll no doubt help the plot
out at some point. I don't know why she wants to be a giant stingray
but I'm going to guess she's not a fan of Steve Irwin.

Anyway,
so this is pretty much just another Disney movie, and after
everybody's favourite Frozen with
its likeable characters and obviously gay subtext, I was excited. Not
because I love Frozen that
much, but just because I need people to start singing a new fucking
song. I don't remember what the song from Frozen was called but at
this point I think you all just need to let it go. Luckily the songs
here are insanely good and have stuck in my head like that video of
Two Girls One Cup. I just can't stop thinking about them, with “You're
Welcome” being quite possibly the best thing I've ever heard. Not
just because it's sung by the worlds greatest human The Rock, but
because it's also catchier than shame and STDs in a Bangkok
whorehouse. I mean- sure, you could argue that as a character, his Maui
isn't a million miles away from Aladdin's Genie,
however if you're going to make a huge deal out of that then I'm
going to punch you in the dick because he's The Rock and I won't hear
a God damn bad word said about him. I've been playing a few computer
games recently and the voice acting in them is like listening to a
bargain bin cyborg recite
the last words of its victims before having had its emotion-chip
activated. By contrast however, The Rock knocked this role so far out
of the ring that it was as though he'd just delivered The People's
Elbow to one of his wrestling opponents after spotting that look in
their eye that screamed, “kill me before I kill my family”.

However
if The Rock's song didn't do it for you then don't worry because
beyond the fact that you're clearly a fucking idiot, there is more music.
Sorry, but I really have no tolerance for anybody whose love of The
Rock doesn't match my own, which is an unhealthy combination of
adoration, intimidation, and absolutely not arousal. Most notably of
these other songs is “Shiny” by Germaine Clement which has hints
of his Flight Of The Conchords David
Bowie impression about it. I suppose you could also argue that his
character in this scene isn't a million miles away from The
Little Mermaid's Ursula, however
if you're going to make a huge deal out of that then I'm going to
punch you in the dick again because it's literally one of the most
joyous scenes I've seen in the cinema this year. As we reach the end
of the year, we've seen half of our favourite celebrities tragically
kick the bucket in one way or another, and then as Trump became ruler
of the world we realised that they were the lucky ones. If for five
minutes I can forget the shit stain of the universe that is our
current society by watching a giant crab sing about how it likes
things that sparkle, then fuck it, the admission ticket was worth its
price.

Ignoring
the songs then I guess you could argue that the film is fairly
predictable as far as Disney cartoons go. Do you imagine that it ends
with the lead girl having failed her mission, the island dying, her
filling her pockets with stones and then jumping into the ocean?
Because obviously it doesn't. Beyond anything, the water has a James
Cameron's The Abyss life-of-its own thing going on that would selfishly deny her any watery
suicide that she might be up for. However what the film does have is
amazing characters with the lead being pretty much everything you
could ask for. She's independent, environmentally aware, and
adventurous, with a keen awareness of the importance of her heritage
whilst also being able to prioritise the future. Unlike most female
characters in a Disney film, her agenda is entirely focused on her
mission and at no point does she go gushy for some prick of a prince
and require a man to save her. Well done to Disney too for
only slightly sexualising the young girl. I mean she's not a rancid
slab of hideous, but we're not approaching the level of weird that we
were at with their sexy depiction of the ten year old Pocahontas.

And
speaking of Pocahontas, I
suppose the other thing to praise Moana for
is its depiction of the girl's culture here. Disney has never quite
managed to get its version of Jonny Foreigner quite right, with
Pocahontas being a
story of the white saviour, and Aladdin propagating
the 'sneaky arab' stereotype. Now as I sit here drinking tea, sneering
apathetically over my semi-informed political opinions, and wondering
when people will stop assuming that the “Great” in Great Britain
means 'good' rather than simply 'big', it's obvious that I'm not
Polynesian. Therefore I had to take a trip to the land of Google to
find out how they'd done, and to be fair it seems that they didn't
fuck up too badly. In fact, it seems that the worst thing that they've
done in terms of insensitivity is outside of the film in which some
bright spark from the money department thought it'd be a good idea to
sell Maui costumes to children. Except Maui doesn't exactly wear much
so you're essentially selling children an official, Disney-licensed
brown-face and grass-skirt combo which kind of plays off like you're
dressing up as a racist version of The Silence Of The Lambs'
Buffalo Bill.

Ignoring
everything I've just said however, the overwhelming thing for me when
watching this movie was just the sheer sensation of joy that I felt
throughout. For me, the movie quite literally did every single thing
that I wanted it to, and at no point did I feel bored, disappointed,
or let down... which is more than I can say for life in general. From
the directors of The Little Mermaid and
Aladdin, it's clear
that they've built on what they'd previously already gotten right,
they've worked on, what they'd previously gotten wrong, and they've
made the leap from 2D to 3D with all the competency of a flatulent
high jumper with springs on their trainers and helium in their tits.
Actually, speaking of flatulence, it's worth mentioning that before the
film started I went to the toilet for a pee, and even though I was the
only person there, I still used the cubical. A few seconds later a
child and its Dad came in with the child letting out the biggest
fart I'd ever heard. The Dad turned to his son and exclaimed “Was
that you?!”, to which his little bastard responded with “No”. I
mean- fucking cheers you little turd.. because that basically now
makes it look like it was me. Even despite this utmost embarrassment,
I was able to forget everything and just enjoy the film. So whether
you're a fan of The Rock, Frozen, the non-sexualisation of young
female characters, or maybe you've simply just been framed by some
shitty kid with a farty arse.. I can honestly say that this is the
film for you. Now go see Moana,
enjoy the balls off it,and
to quote The Rock “You're welcome”. Thanks for reading,
motherfuckers, and see you next time.