Before You Agree to Take on New Work, Ask 3 Questions

During the 2009 recession, I took a high-profile job with a marketing agency. On the surface, it looked like a dream opportunity. The clients were big, the pay was excellent, and given the economic climate at the time, I considered myself lucky. No, the work didn’t excite me, but what would people think if I turned it down? I started on a Monday, and every morning that week I felt myself growing more and more uncomfortable. On Friday, while I was sitting in on a four-hour conference call in a windowless meeting room, I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t miserable. I ended up quitting that day, just 4.25 days after I started and without a plan B — yet I felt instant relief.

You should take that job. You should join that board. You should take on that new client.

“Shoulds” are the things we do out of obligation because we have not thoughtfully considered our true objectives, even out of fear: What if we never get another opportunity? What will others think of us if we say no? What will we think of ourselves if we say no? Sometimes, shoulds even seem like things we want to do.

But, in fact, they stand in staunch opposition to our true desires, those things we hope and strive for, those opportunities that are an immediate “yes!” When we say yes to shoulds, we end up overcommitted, spread thin, and burned out. Despite our best intentions, we can end up disappointing ourselves and the people who matter most.

The truth is, achieving the best outcomes — job satisfaction, meaningful relationships, successful ventures — requires shedding our shoulds. We can do this by asking three potentially life-changing questions before pursuing a path or taking on a new commitment:

1. What is my motivation?

This is about intrinsic motivators, not external ones. Intrinsic motivation is a drive that comes from within, an expression of our true desires. Extrinsic motivation is found in outside factors, such as money, prestige, or praise. It can be incredibly persuasive, to the point of pushing us to do things we wouldn’t otherwise choose, but it doesn’t always lead to success or happiness.

In fact, a study by Tim Judge and colleagues shows that perhaps our greatest extrinsic motivator — money — correlates with employee satisfaction only 2% of the time. On the other hand, employees who are intrinsically motivated by factors such as curiosity and fulfillment are three times more engaged than those who are extrinsically motivated, according to a study by Yoon Jik Cho and James Perry.

How do you identify your motivators? Ask yourself why you’re making a specific decision. Are you considering joining that board because you feel you should say yes to such a flattering opportunity, or because you’re truly passionate about the organization’s mission? Are you considering that merger because you should say yes to the potential cash windfall, or because it truly aligns with your company’s long-term vision? Are you considering buying tickets to that glitzy conference because you feel you should be networking, when what you really want to do is be at your daughter’s soccer game?

Of course, it can be complicated to disentangle intrinsic motivations from extrinsic ones. Our motivations are not black and white. Sometimes, it might feel like you truly want to do something…but if you’re honest, you might admit you want to do it because you want to be seen (by yourself and others) as a nice, generous, or smart person, rather than because you really want to do it.

If you find yourself saying yes to something solely for extrinsic rewards (praise, money, prestige), rather than intrinsic motivation (a genuine desire), stop and consider if the task is a “should” you should shed.

2. Does it align with my values?

Being able to confidently shed our shoulds comes back to aligning our decisions with our core values.

We can’t do that if we don’t know what those values are. It’s likely that you have an idea of what you value most, but being honest with yourself and fine-tuning the reasoning behind those values will help you get better at walking away from “should” opportunities.

In “Do Your Commitments Match Your Convictions?” Donald Sull and Dominic Houlder suggest creating a worksheet with four columns. In the first, list the things that matter most to you, such as spending relaxed time with family, or the financial security that would allow you to retire early. The authors suggest being specific (e.g., not writing just “family” or “money”) and listing at least five things in the first column to reflect the different facets of your life. Label the other three columns with your resources — money, time, and energy. Go through the values you listed, evaluating how much of each resource you expend on that value.

“The basic idea is to identify big gaps — stated values that receive little or none of your scarce resources or a single value that sucks a disproportionate share of money, time, and energy from other values,” the authors write.

Try the values exercise, then circle back to a “should” decision you’ve recently made or are considering. Where does it fit into your list? Will it eat up time, money, or energy that you want to allocate to one of your other core commitments instead?

It’s when values compete that this gets really hard, even for someone who coaches others on it for a living. For example, I recently agreed to a pro bono speaking engagement at a nonprofit because the cause genuinely inspired me. I also knew there was potential to make meaningful connections. As the event approached, though, I found myself feeling more and more dread, because I hadn’t fully considered what I was giving up in order to speak: precious weekend time with my family.

3. Do I have a choice?

I’ve put this consideration last because too many of us jump to it first. We look at our calendars, see a bit of free time, and commit to something before considering whether it fits our intrinsic motivations or our values.

But, of course, it’s true that sometimes we do have to do things for extrinsic reasons, or do things that take us away from our most important commitments. Every job contains some stultifying or downright unpleasant aspects. For example, people in general dislike networking, but it’s part of generating new business leads.

But it is important to recognize that even things that don’t feel optional often are. Self-determination theory suggests that in order to act, or to feel motivated to act, we need to feel that we’re in control. We’ll enjoy something more if we recognize that it’s a choice.

The converse is often true as well: When we feel that we should do something, we begin to lose our sense of autonomy. Obligation takes its place.

An attorney I work with frequently feels she should go into the office on weekends in order to prove her commitment to her career. The result? She is not only producing subpar work but also resenting it. She has two choices: Keep pursuing the partner track, and work those hours with a new, empowered outlook, or decide the destination is not worth the journey and step back, knowing it’s the journey she wants to enjoy. Neither choice is wrong, but understanding that she owns the choice has changed her outlook.

A business executive client feels she should attend every meeting she’s invited to, despite having little time for actual task completion, and finds herself spending evening hours catching up. Does she need to be in every meeting? No. But she can make a choice: Keep going to unnecessary meetings, and live miserably, or stop attending and trust her team to do their jobs, winning back her free time.

You are the architect of your life. Don’t let others design it for you. Remember that you have a choice about most shoulds.

Shedding our shoulds isn’t easy. We all take on projects and commitments for the wrong reasons, because we don’t think we can say no, at the expense of our values. Once you identify your shoulds, it becomes easier and easier to say no to them, and to begin saying yes to things that actually align with your goals — the things that you really should do.