Joe Biden Facing Claims of Decent Behavior

[Washington, D.C. – December 5, 2017] Another day, another shocking conduct allegation – and this time, it targets one of the icons of American politics. Just minutes ago, the Washington Post reported that former Vice President Joe Biden has been accused of decent behavior in the presence of multiple women, and even several male colleagues in government.

On condition of anonymity, one woman, who described herself as a former staffer, shared her ordeal. “I was alone with the Vice President in his office and he kept staring at my briefs.” Further details have emerged to substantiate her claim that he was dazzled by her body of work and how well she had written her amicus curiae legal brief about the dangers of air pollution from strip mining.

Another female aide reportedly has a tape of Biden pushing her to expose her position – no matter how uncomfortable – on fracking without using protection.

Still another woman was more blunt in her claims, admitting that she’d engaged in a longstanding carnal relationship with Biden, even having sex in his official residence. She later came forward and reluctantly identified herself as Dr. Jill Biden, his wife of 40 years.

For decades, there have been whispers about Biden’s proclivity to engage in shocking acts of unsolicited civility towards attractive members of the opposite sex, as well as unattractive ones. Stories have long circulated about his tendency to avoid speaking in sexually graphic terms when around female subordinates, even in public.

Several complaints have surfaced from people who have seen Biden put his arms around women, in what appears to be a caring embrace, usually during military funerals honoring a fallen son, killed in action.

In the past week alone, more than a dozen women have come forward with graphic accounts of Biden’s overt displays of virtuous behavior in their presence. The fact that so many stories paint a similar picture of Biden’s compulsively appropriate decorum toward women, particularly in private, makes their startling allegations even more plausible.

Republicans are demanding a Congressional probe, arguing the implausibility of a man at the climax of his career achieving such ascendancy without a hint of sexual wrongdoing. In a press release, the House Oversight chairman stated, “We acknowledge that there is not a shred of evidence to support charges of immoral conduct; but that doesn’t mean the man isn’t guilty as Hell of being overly passionate in the presence of a lady.”

What makes these rumors even more disturbing is Biden’s longstanding reputation as a staunch promoter of women’s and LGBT rights. “It’s hard to imagine how a man like Joe Biden – once considered a pillar of virtue in the fight for equality – can turn out to be such a vile sexual predator”, said one Republican Senator. He continued, “I’ll admit that we currently lack any hardcore evidence of impropriety, but where there’s a smoking gun, there’s bound to be a crime.” When asked if Biden owned a gun, the senator quipped, “Well, he has a constitutional right to, so it just figures….”

Despite the lack of actual sexual allegations against her husband, Jill Biden has been vocal in defending her man, claiming that “Joe didn’t even kiss me until our sixth date.” She went on to say she is confident a congressional investigation will ultimately vindicate the former VP, just as soon as they can think of anything to charge him with.

At press time, Biden issued a written apology, saying “If I’ve offended any woman by holding the door for her, or complimenting her on her outstanding work, or if I have created an uncomfortable work environment for any of my female support staff by repeatedly smiling and affirming their worth or by showing appreciation and respect, I wish to apologize. I sincerely regret any inappropriate displays of gentlemanly behavior.”

It is unclear how soon an inquisition will be launched or whether Biden will admit to any other instances of propriety or non-consensual chivalrous conduct.

In a related story, a woman wishing to remain anonymous has come forward alleging that legendary NBC anchorman Tom Brokaw was known to engage in acts of verbal intercourse with known proselytes and several openly admitted thespians – sometimes while on camera – during his time hosting the Today Show.

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