Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An AP poll says that Obamacare is the top news story of 2013. People should be thankful for the problems with the health care reform roll out. If it wasn’t so messed up, the top news stories would have been Miley Cyrus or Kim Kardashian.

A study says that unwanted memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. Which is great news for anyone who has ever flown United and would just like to forget the experience completely.

A study says that unwanted memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. However, the procedure only works in men since women never forget anything.

A study says that unwanted memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. People who are afraid of being shocked can get the same results by just playing for a couple of years in the NFL.

The New York Stock Exchange is proposing a “kill switch” that can catch high speed trading errors. Apparently it kicks in when computers start buying up any available Facebook stock.

Raul Castro has warned entrepreneurs about moving forward too fast. Although the only people who feel they can’t move fast enough are the ones building rafts to try to get off the island.

Raul Castro has warned entrepreneurs about moving forward too fast. Apparently he is worried about people not knowing what to do when they actually have some money in their pockets for the first time in fifty years.

Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says the price of electricity is at an all-time high in the U.S. The information is a little old since it had to be done by hand using candle light so the Bureau could keep the report within its budget.

Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says the price of electricity is at an all-time high in the U.S. It’s getting so bad that an “electrical shock” now means the feeling you get when you open your power bill.

Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says the price of electricity is at an all-time high in the U.S. Apparently power companies are increasing their prices because with more people buying electric cars, they are starting to act like the oil companies.

A report says that young couples are moving back in with their parents to save money to have a baby. Remember the old days when young people would save up money to raise a family by getting a part on “Teen Mom”?

A report says that college fraternity members have an advantage over others when applying for jobs on Wall Street. Which makes sense when you see that Wall Street crashed the economy by behaving like a bunch of drunk, privileged frat boys.

AK-47 designer Mikhail Kalashnikov has died at age 94. Ironically, it took a Russian for millions of Americans to finally learn at least one of the constitutional amendments.

A Pennsylvania woman is being charged with trying to frame her husband by putting child pornography on his computer. Apparently she was caught when there was no room left on the computer’s hard drive from all the other porn that was already there.

Wisconsin is starting a program to use cheese brine to de-ice their roads. The only problem will be people having to use the side roads when the cholesterol in the cheese clogs up all the major highway arteries.

Korean scientists have created a tool they say weeds out fake tweets on Twitter. Apparently they checked it out by testing it on any tweets from North Korea that said things are going really well.

Korean scientists have created a tool they say weeds out fake tweets on Twitter. Now if they could only come up with a tool that deletes any tweets that are about what someone is eating for breakfast.

Airlines are calling for new laws to deal with unruly passengers. The first law could be for airlines to avoid having unruly passengers in the first place by not treating them like a bunch of cattle.

Airlines are calling for new laws to deal with unruly passengers. Apparently things are getting so bad even the TSA agents can’t completely wear down fliers’ last ounce of resistance.

A report says move-in ready homes are the latest fad in high end housing. As opposed to people who use subprime loans to buy their homes which come move-out ready.

The McDonald’s employee resource website is telling workers they should stay away from fast food. Not as far as eating it, but trying to make a career working in it.

Emma Stone has been named as the most valuable actor in Hollywood, bringing in $80 to the studios for every dollar she is paid. As opposed to Adam Sandler, whose movies have brought in $80 to the studios total.

The Atlantic Club Casino in Atlantic City will close next month. Apparently they went broke when they couldn’t even win the bet that Donald Trump’s casino would be the first to go out of business.

Businesses are springing up that teach children how to be polite. Although the kids forget everything they learned when they see their parents go ballistic over having to pay $50 for each session.

A report says the retirement of the Baby Boomers means that over the next decade only 6 in 10 Americans will be working or looking for work. Which means with the economy the way it is, that increases the odds that one of those six might actually be able to find a job.

Jos. A. Bank has rejected a bid to be bought out by Men’s Wearhouse. Apparently the people at Bank just thought it wasn’t a good fit.

Jos. A. Bank has rejected a bid to be bought out by Men’s Wearhouse. Bank has been trying to make cuts to stay in business. Things are so tight, they can’t even pay to spell out “Joseph.”

A survey says that Americans prefer security over privacy. Which the NSA and TSA have done their best to guarantee neither.

Twitter inventor Jack Dorsey has joined the board of directors of Disney. His first assignment is to cut “Supercalifragileisticexpialidocious” down to 140 characters.

A study says that early weight gain as children leads to signs of future heart trouble as preteens. How bad would it be to have to visit your cardiologist when you aren’t even done with your appointments at the orthodontist?

A report says that people are trying to use Viagra to add life to their Christmas tree. The report says to just make sure not to leave the blue pills on the plate with Santa’s cookies or he might not be able to get back up the chimney.

Officials at the Georgia Regents University are defending their use of dogs in the school’s dental program. They say being in Georgia makes it nearly impossible to find any people they can work on who still have teeth.

A study says that testosterone may make men more likely to get the flu. Just as estrogen prevents the flu as women know that men who are sick are completely incapable of taking care of themselves.

A Boston hospital is working on eliminating “alarm fatigue” where overwhelmed staff fail to properly respond to medical emergencies. So far, the most serious alarm that hospital workers have to deal with is when patients are given their medical bills.

President Obama officially signed up for Obamacare on the Washington, D.C. website. He will use the plan to pay for his medical bills for the severe beating he has received from Republicans and the media over the Obamacare roll out fiasco.

Nicaragua has returned 18 fake journalists to Mexico who were involved in smuggling. When people heard about the fake journalists, they were shocked. No one even knew that Fox News was expanding into Mexico.

Keanu Reeves says that he is open to a “Bill & Ted” sequel as 50 year olds. Apparently the plot line of the movie would have them using their phone booth to travel back in time to make sure laws were passed legalizing medicinal marijuana in the future.

Jennifer Lawrence topped Miley Cyrus as the AP Entertainer of the Year. If the award is supposed to combine news headlines along with entertainment value, shouldn’t the award really have been given to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford?

Three 6 Mafia rapper Ricky “Lord Infamous” Dunigan has died at age 40. Apparently he died of natural causes, which for a rapper means pretty much anything violent.

The Detroit Lions sent playoff tickets to some fans, despite the team being eliminated from the postseason. The only problem is that sending Lions playoff tickets through the mail could result in someone being charged with postal fraud.

A report says that Babe Ruth is still the most forged signature in sports. Other than any court papers signed by Alex Rodriguez and Lance Armstrong that deny they ever used performance enhancing drugs.

Retailers are seeking a “green” alternative to plastic gift cards. Don’t we already have something that is green with purchasing power that is never around for long? It’s called “cash.”

A report says the U.S. leads the world in smartphone porn viewing. Which means that AT&T could just shorten it’s initials for its wireless division to “T&A.”

A report says the U.S. leads the world in smartphone porn viewing. Which finally explains all those people walking into walls, off piers and into traffic while gazing incessantly at their cellphone.

A report says that holiday sales were down for the third straight week. Fortunately the holiday shopping season now starts some time in June so there are twenty more weeks to make up for it.

A report says that holiday sales were down for the third straight week. The worst part is that it is holiday shopping for people still trying to buy the gifts they were too broke to buy for Christmas, 2008.

Blackberry has canceled two new phone models before they even hit the market. To which most cellphone users are saying orange you glad you bought an apple and not a blackberry?

President Obama has gone to Hawaii for a 17 day vacation. He went to Hawaii because it is his native state, the weather is warm and there is no Hawaiian word for “Obamacare.”

A survey says that fewer than half of all Americans are aware of the Department of Homeland Security slogan “If you see something, say something.” They are much more familiar with the TSA airport agent slogan of “Up against the wall!”

President Obama has given federal workers a 1% pay raise. Apparently it symbolizes the amount of effort they put in to doing their jobs the best the can.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s the last day of shopping before Christmas. And if you aren’t done by now, you are more than likely a man. I am taking a little time off for the holidays and won’t be posting until next Monday, December 30th. If you find it hard to make it through the next few days without my jokes, just go back in the archive to last Christmas and read those. They are all pretty much recycled from year to year. They just keep coming back like a regifted fruitcake. I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas...And always remember, I will never take it back to the exchange counter when you send the love!