Friday, 5 March 2010

Venkatpathy Raju is a world famous ex-cricketer who is now better known for his best-selling books “How To Make The Ladies Hot For You” and “The Ultimate Playa’s Guide – Making Pimpin’ Eazy”. Rumoured to have slept with over 5000 women, Raju knows the ins and outs of the dating game and is here to share his infinite knowledge on this very rarely talked about subject with you.

[The following has not been edited as Mr. Raju is very particular about his prose not being tampered with.]

Five Ways To Impress A Woman On The First Date

When people say the first impression of a person is being the last impression, they are being accurate. For example, two years ago I was at a nudist party at Mr. Navjot Singh Sidhu's house. I was sipping on Bacardi when from the corner of my expressive eyes I saw a girl with a mighty hot body grinding with a sofa. It being a nudist party, she was fully naked. Fully, I tell you! And that was my first impression of her.

Now I happened to meet this same woman a week ago at the park with her husband. She was wearing a salwar kameez and was covered from shoulder to bottom of foot (the outfit was a little long!), but I couldn’t help but picture her naked while conversing with her husband about my superb left arm bowling. This clearly proves that the first impression is being the last impression.

And that is why the first date is very important if you are looking to get into a woman’s undergarments. If you follow my advice below, I can guarantee you will be successful:

1) Pick lady up on a motorbike – Women like speed. At least that is what my drug dealer says. Just kidding! I don’t do drugs because they are bad for my sexy physique. But it is true that women like men who are manly. And what does manly behaviour encompass? Being fast and quick. (Not in bed, mind you!). If you don’t trust me, you are stoopid or you don’t watch television. I mean, have you seen any of those cool motorbike ads? All of them end with a woman getting seducted by the man with the motorcycle, so of course it must be true in real life! Why else would they keep showing the same thing?

Another advantage of taking her on a bike is that she will be holding on to your tummy, so that she does not die due to your super fast driving. Therefore, make sure you do 30 sit-ups about five minutes away from her house. I don't need to do it because I have 10 pack abs.

2) Take her to McDonalds, KFC or some other fast food chain – Women are often very insecure about their bodies even if they are measuring a perfect 42’18’46 (I like the big buttocks!). So what better way to tell her she’s not fat, than by taking her to a restaurant that serves the unhealthiest food?

3) Dress the part – Whether you like it or not, women will be judging you by your cover because you are not a book and that metaphor is very much stupid. Now you don’t want to make friendship with this lady, so you must make sure you don’t appear to be a “nice guy” because we all know that ladies like to make sex with the bad boys. It is therefore imperatative that you wear a leather jacket and lots of jewelry. As my African-American brethren would say, “them hoochie mamas like the bling”.

However you must make sure you wear less jewelry than her, otherwise she will get jealous and end up suspecting that you are a gay homosexual. And ladies do not like making sex with the gay men.

4) Be the part – It is not enough to just look a bad boy, you must also behave like a bad boy. “How do I behave like one?” you ask. Well, you are asking the right person! Begin by ordering the meal and drinks for both of you. This will show her that you are in control and women love men that are in control. That is why they like aeroplane pilots so very much. If she objects to this and says she’d like to order for herself, she is only testing you. Put your foot down and say “lady, do not be talking to me like that!”. Trust me, she will love it.

Also, make sure to maintain eye contact with her breasts at all times. This will indicate to her that you are not interested in her personality. If she tells you to “look up here”, turn the tables on her (not literally!) by saying that her cleavage reminds you of the day your dog died and start tearing up. It really does not need to make sense because now she will be thinking that you are bad boy who is deep down a sensitive man and the females love that! Just think of yourself as a combination of Amrish Puri in Mr. India and Shahrukh Khan in DDLJ, DTPH, KKHH, KKKG, OSO, KHNH and RNBDJ (I'm a big fan of King Khan!).

5) Talk about yourself constantly – It is very much a myth that women love to talk about themselves. The first two hundred ladies I was with didn’t talk about themselves at all. And they really liked it when I went on and on about my problems (such as how the Indian captain was stoopid for not letting me bat at number three and how my dick was being too large for my body). They liked it so much it always ended up with us making passionate sex and me then paying them. Okay, so maybe they were lady prostitutes but they are ladies at the end of the day. And all ladies are the same, amirite? Just kidding, ladies!

If you have nothing interesting to say about yourself (I never have a problem with that because I’m Venkatpathy Raju), then give her the meaningless details of what you did that day. Like how you walked across the road when the light showed red or how you had a hot water shower because it was cold outside. Also, make sure to tell her everything about your ex-girlfriend. The ladies love that!

Alright gentlemen, I think that should do! Remember to follow these guidelines and you will no doubt be a hit with the honeys! If you have any questions email me at hunglikeahorse@gmail.com. Tata!

Monday, 13 April 2009

At around 4 am this morning, as I was getting mentally ready to go to sleep, I heard what sounded like a baby wailing loudly outside. Considering my room is on the top floor and the sounds came from a seemingly close distance, I assumed that whoever was making the sounds was stuck on the bushy tree opposite my window. Further using my detective skills, I concluded that it couldn’t be a baby because babies don’t climb trees in the middle of the night. Nor do people throw babies onto trees anymore. Not in this economy.

My astute observations led me to believe that it had to be the classic case of a cat stuck helplessly on top of a tree. I went out to my balcony to check if I could spot the cat, but it wasn’t visible due to the aforementioned bushiness of the tree. I, however, did hear the cat continue to cry for help. I’m much revered in the dog community, but cats have always remained ambivalent towards me, perhaps in part due to my ambivalence towards them. Today, I decided to change this. “This is it”, I thought, “This is my chance to be a hero in the cat community”.

I headed downstairs, opened the main door and walked towards the frontyard [the backyard placed in front of the house]. The cat continued to yelp, but I still couldn’t see where it was whilst standing directly under the tree. I called out to the cat. “Tchu tchu tchu tchu tchu”, I said. The cat immediately stopped crying. There was complete silence for a few seconds. And then suddenly, as I heard the sound of leaves being ruffled, a brown cat [Brownie] raced down a thin branch of the tree safely and rather comfortably onto the ground. It scurried away to the gate on the right, leaving me with little time to react. But instead of running away, it just stood there. Staring at me. “Tchu tchu tchu tchu”, I said once more. Brownie continued to stare on blankly. “Why does this cat not get that ‘Tchu tchu tchu tchu’ is universal human to animal code for ‘Come here. It’s cool. I’m not going to hurt you’?” I asked myself.

Thinking it was probably shy, I took a seat on the stairs in front of the main door hoping it would somehow convey how grateful it was to me for giving it the courage to jump (walk) down from the tree. I mean, why else would it be wailing away until I got there? All it needed was moral support. Giving it one last try, I said “Here kitty kitty kitty” in my most feminine voice for three long seconds. Brownie did not budge.

I was ready to give up and walk away from my dreams of being a cat hero when I heard the leaves on the same tree being ruffled once again. I was deeply confused. “What the hell is making that noise?” I thought. My question was almost immediately answered as a jet black cat [Soulja Boy] scampered down the same slim branch and ran across me towards the bushes on the left. Like Brownie, who had disappeared while I was preoccupied with the second cat, Soulja Boy too stared at me for a few seconds from a distance. And that is when I got it.

I didn’t save Brownie or Soulja Boy, because clearly they didn’t need saving. No. What I did was interrupt two cats having some amazing interracial early morning sex. Brownie wasn’t crying, she was moaning. And the reason they were staring at me was because they were fucking pissed off.

And this brings me to the title of this true story – If a black cat crossing your path gets you seven years of bad luck, how much bad luck does a black cat crossing your path after you’ve just interrupted it having profoundly pleasurable sexual intercourse get you?

Friday, 6 March 2009

As we lay down on the terrace, facing the sky, I see stars shining brightAs I stare deep into her twinkling eyes, I think, what a magical nightI hold her hand, and gently brush her hair off her faceEnraptured by her beauty, I begin to lose track of time and spaceAs she brings her lips closer to mine, I feel sensations I’ve never felt beforeI begin to see sounds, hear colours, and so much moreOur eyes shut; we kiss....but something feels wrongI open my eyes and pull away in shock as I see a unicorn with two horns,A two horned red unicorn with blood smeared on its green lipsAnd that’s when I realize; fuck... this is another one of those bad trips.

She looks at me differently now, I think she knowsThe unicorn says something, but I’m distracted by her giant yellow toesIt…she asks me if I’m okayI nervously mumble “I’m fine”; what else can I say?I can’t tell her she’s turned into a two horned unicornWhat is a two horned unicorn called anyway?Fuck fuck fuck! This is all so wrongWhat the fuck do I say?

I should tell the unicorn I’m sick, that should do the trickI’ll tell her I’m sick and want to go home, and then I can be safe, all aloneBut what if the unicorn goes “aww, let me take you to bed”Sleeping with a red unicorn with two horns on its head?...Maybe I should just tell her the truth instead.

...Fuck.. how long have I been having this conversation with myself?The unicorn is beginning to look suspicious, but I can’t be sureI’m getting fucking neurotic now... I need helpWhat does a suspicious unicorn look like anyway? I don’t knowI can’t even tell what’s real and what’s not anymore.

As I begin to process what seems like a monumental task right nowAbout what exactly I should tell the unicorn, and how,The unicorn begins to change in colour from red to magentaA two horned, green lipped, yellow toed unicorn with a hidden agenda?No, no, no. This is fucking ridiculous. Stop thinking. Calm down.This is just a trip. Remember…this is just a trip.She is not a unicorn....who just bit my bottom lipShe is not a unicorn…who is now beginning to stripGoddammit why is the unicorn shaking its hips?!Is she trying to mate? What the fuck is she doing?“Damn it unicorn, can’t you see the state that I’m in?!!”

The unicorn stops stripping and glares at me silentlyDid I say that out loud?“DID YOU JUST CALL ME A UNICORN?!!!” the unicorn enquires violentlyFuck... I said it out loud.“Yes I did”, I nervously admit, for I didn’t know what else I could possibly sayAs I await her response, the dark blue skies turn an ominous shade of greyAnd then the unicorn replies, in a voice I recognize, “Aww honey! You just made my day!”

Wait…What?! Is this another hallucination?Unicorn - “I’ve waited to hear that from you in ever so long!”Her reaction to being called a unicorn is one of elation?Me - “No, no you’ve got this all wrong”Does she not understand the strangeness of this situation?[To be continued. Or maybe not.]

Wednesday, 31 December 2008

LOS ANGELES - A year ago, with popular reality shows such as American Idol, The Bachelor and America’s Next Top Model all beginning to fall in ratings due to the rapidly declining influence of the sadist and masochist inside most of us, various networks tried outdoing each other in coming up with new and exciting concepts that went beyond the standard fare of conventional reality television.

After initially failing with attempts such as “Pimp My Granddaughter” [hosted by Ja Rule], “Who Wants to Be a High End Escort?” [hosted by Paris Hilton] and “Convict or Acquit?!” [with Judge O.J. Simpson]; Wally Sczerbiak [pronounced Wally S.], a creative producer at NBC, came up with a groundbreaking idea that changed the face of television as we know it today.

Says Wally, “I was watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua at the cinema and I was overawed at how supremely intelligent it was. After I got home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the high end concept presented by this transcendent piece of art. I was cuddling my dog Sally, and that is when it hit me. I thought, ‘Hey! Why not replace humans with dogs in exactly the same shows with the same formats?!! I mean, who wouldn’t want to watch that??’ Right then and there, I knew it was going to work....I just had no idea it would work this well.”

Don’t let Wally’s modesty fool you. Today, hailed as the reincarnation of Albert Einstein, he is basking in the glory of the hugely successful collection of reality shows he has created. American Idol – Dogs, The Bachelor – Canines and America’s Next Top Model – Bitches, are the biggest commercial hits on television today. Not surprisingly, these shows have garnered critical acclaim as well.

Writes top critic Jean Le Moose in the New York Times, “When I first read that Mr. Sczerbiak is substituting humans with dogs on some of the most successful reality shows ever created, I was slightly skeptical. My first thought was, ‘What is he going to call these shows? Is he just going to add “Dogs” at the end of the original titles?’ When the promos for this much anticipated trilogy began to air, I noticed that each of these shows were titled differently. And right then I realized that Mr. Sczerbiak is, pardon my French, a fucking cunt of a genius".

Le Moose continues, "I mean to come up with dogs, canines and bitches? How could anyone be that creative? And to stick with human judges and a human bachelor among these furry little dogs was another masterstroke. These shows are the most exciting examples of avant garde entertainment since According To Jim premiered nine years ago. I’ve never missed a single episode of any of these series, and I never plan to. Highly recommended by yours truly.”

However, it was not all rosy for NBC and Wally. When the promos for “Bachelor – Canines” first aired, PETA activists objected to suspended NFL quarterback Michael Vick being the bachelor in question due to his history of financing and participating in dog fighting activities. Charged by federal authorities in 2007, Vick’s initial defense of his actions was “Come on man. We dawgs fight all the time, know what I’m sayin’. So why can’t dogs fight, know what I’m sayin’? I mean we ain’t eatin’ these dogs or nothin’, know what I’m sayin’?”

The judge did not know what he was saying.

Michael Vick eventually pleaded guilty and ended up doing time in a federal prison where guard dogs often bullied him. After being released in late 2008, Vick in a tearful interview on ESPN said he regretted his actions and would do absolutely anything to mend his reputation in the dog community. Wally happened to be watching this and immediately jumped on the opportunity to get Vick on his show.

After initially ignoring PETA, much like the rest of the world does, Wally Sczerbiak finally responded to their protests a month before the premier by telling them that Vick is a changed man and he wouldn’t be doing the show if he didn’t really love dogs. He pleaded with them to let the first episode air and then make their judgments. PETA head Justin Case reluctantly agreed. And then on January 26th, the premiere of Bachelor – Canines, with the tagline “15 Bitches Vying For the Love of One Dawg” finally aired.

At the end of the episode; Michael Vick, instead of roses, threw bones at each of the selected contestants and they caught it with their mouths. Every single person watching this let out an “awww”, making it the largest collective “awww” in America since Tom Cruise had Renee Zellweger at hello. Pebbles the pink poodle was the first one selected and incidentally, she was also the first one to make out with Vick. It was a historic moment in television. Their passionate, tongue swirling kiss later won the “MTV Best Onscreen Kiss Award”.

Immediately after the episode came to an end, Justin Case called Wally Sczerbiak and told him he absolutely loved the show. He told Wally that this was what being in love with animals really meant. Wally thanked him and the show went on to be a huge hit. The finale, where Vick proposes to Schweinsteiger the voluptuous German shepherd, went on to get the highest ratings in the history of American Television. Pebbles the pink poodle, however, was left heartbroken.

Not one to give up on her dream of being a reality star, Pebbles then took part in “America’s Next top Model – Bitches”, and won the top prize. Tyra Banks, after announcing Pebbles as the winner, said “You should be proud of yourself Pebbly Poo. You gave us fierce pictures and your runway walk was one of the best I’ve ever seen. Your ease at the nude photo shoot and the ability to smile with your eyes was also instrumental in your victory. Bitches all over the world should learn from you. You go girl!!” Pebbles is now one of the most recognizable faces in America, and she recently appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show to talk about how she lost the extra pounds as well as to discuss her relationship with Michael Vick.

And last but definitely not least, “American Idol – Dogs” completed the trilogy of hits for NBC and Sczerbiak. It was a treat to watch Randy Jackson connecting with the dogs like he was one of them, Simon being bitten 17 times for his disparaging remarks and Paula Abdul clapping and praising the personality of each dog. A yodeling apso from Brazil named Terry defeated Jimmy the cocky cocker spaniel in the much celebrated finale, which had special guest Marmaduke hosting the show instead of Ryan Seacrest.

This year, we witnessed reality television at its riveting best. And nothing can ever top this. Or can it? You never know what Mr. Sczerbiak could come up with next.

Says Wally, “Oh I have a few ideas up my sleeve. We’re never satisfied. My mind is on perpetual overdrive with an unending stream of ideas. And I think one of them in particular, is going to blow this dog craze right out of the water. I’ll give you a clue...

Sunday, 7 December 2008

I feel like writing without thinking, so I’m going to do one of those tag things. If you feel like reading without thinking, please continue. However, if you were looking for intellectual enlightenment from this blog.....no you weren’t. Anyway before the tag thing, here are a few nursery rhymes you can teach your unborn children [and the born ones as well]. Feel free to sing along:

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetopIs it safe up there? No I think notWhen the bough breaks, the cradle will fallAnd the minute baby can talk, social services he will call.

Mary had a little man, little man, little manMary had a little man, and she called him a midgetAnd everytime she called him that, called him that, called him thatAnd everytime she called him that, he told her it was politically incorrect.

So Mary told him to grow up, to grow up, to grow upMary told him to grow up......and then she began to giggle and laugh at what she just said.

A B C D E F G"Doctor, it hurts so much when I pee"H I J K L M N O P"Tell me doctor, what could it be?"U V W X Y Z[Doctor] – “It probably has something to do with those hookers on your bed”.

Jack and Jill went up the hillTo fetch a pail of waterInstead they found some alcoholAnd had a baby daughter.

Ba Ba black sheep,Have you any weed?[Black Sheep] – “You know I’m getting sick of these stereotypes..........alright how much do you need?”

Two baaaaaaags for meAnd a baaaaaaag for my lovely lass[Black Sheep] – “You mockin the way sheep talk nigga?I’ma bust a cap in yo ass”

Woah, woah you have a gun?!I did not know that[Black Sheep] – “Ofcourse I have a gun, son.Can’t you see I’m black?”

Now what you just said wasOffensive and wrong[Black Sheep] – “I’m black mothafucka!I can stereotype myself all I want”

Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-OAnd on his farm he had some cows, E-I-E-I-OWith a chop chop hereAnd a chop chop thereHere a chop, there a chopEverywhere a chop chop

Old McDonald had enough meat to launch a franchise, E-I-E-I-OHe called it McDonalds and sold burgers and fries, E-I-E-I-O.

It is my dream that one day, parents all over the world will teach their children these rhymes, and the wide eyed children will merrily sing these words in celebration of their youthful innocence.

-----------------------

The Tag Thing (Feel free to tag yourselves):

Facts:

Hometown: Calcutta.Hair Colour: Black.Shoe Size: Don’t know. Probably pretty close to the size of my feet.Righty or Lefty: Right handed, Left footed.Available?: Yes. At your nearest local store for one dollar 99 cents.

Have you ever been in love: Yes.Why did your last relationship fail: Because I asked her to choose between me and a can of tuna. She chose the can of tuna. I think it was a good decision.Have you ever been heartbroken: Yes. In my next relationship, when I was made to choose between my girl and a can of tuna, I too chose the can of tuna. Unfortunately it was past its expiry date. It was traumatizing.Have you ever broken someone’s heart: Yes. Strangely, it had nothing to do with tuna.Have you ever fallen for your best friend: No. He was not too comfortable with the idea and neither was I.Are you afraid of commitment: Yes, it makes me shiver and tremble.

Have you ever:

Been caught sneaking out: No. I’m far too sneaky and my parents are far too sleepy.Skinny dipped: No.Bungee jumped: No.Been on a house boat: No, but my house was flooded once.Made yourself throw up: All the time. I’m bulimic.Been in a police car: Not yet.Put your tongue on a frozen pole: On a frozen one, no.Smoked: Of course. That’s an integral part of my life.Taken drugs: Of course. That’s an integral part of my life.Used someone: I don’t think so.Been used: Yes. It was wonderful.Been cheated on: I don’t know. I’m not the most inquisitive person.Done something you regret: Yes. Filling this in.

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects. ----- We seriously need to start thinking about being nicer to them.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. ----- Britney Spears has been rumoured to be an ostrich.

Starfish don't have brains. ----- In other contrary reports,Britney Spears has been rumoured to be a starfish.

A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined. ----- And now you know why Bill Cosby spends so much time with kids.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side ----- Atleast we have something in common.

Actor Bruce Willis filed a lawsuit against the movie studio that produced his film "Tears of the Sun", alleging he was struck in the forehead by a fake bullet. Since 2002 (when the movie was in production), the lawsuit claims he endured "extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering". ----- He also started experiencing periods.

There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India. ----- That just cannot be true. Southern California cannot have more than a zillion cars. It just can't be.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all. ----- Bush countered this fact in his latest speech by saying, "Look at the bright side....95% of Americans do bathe".

Horses and Rabbits cannot vomit. ----- Now you know why Bugs Bunny was an alcoholic.

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. ----- So I'm guessing a dragonfly would suffer midlife crisis around hour 12?

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village" ----- I have a strange feeling India is a Canadian word meaning "bigger village".

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. ----- If someone ever tells you they are from Maine, ask them to show you their teeth, and if there's any food stuck there, you'll know they are lying.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. ----- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would be institutionalized. Stick to microwaves.

Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication. ----- I now have a new found respect for Russians.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. ----- Another reason why they consider themselves superior to dogs, who incidentally do not have glow in the dark urine. They can chase their own tails for hours though....and that's way cooler.

There is a new television show on a British cable called "Watching Paint Dry". Viewers watch in real-time. Gloss, semi-gloss, matte, satin, you name it. Then viewers vote out their least favorite. ----- Reason number 189 why I left UK.

Thursday, 26 July 2007

There are a number of reasons why I do not like romantic movies. I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority here, but I must speak for my people. The "We Don't Hate Romantic Movies But We Don't Like Them Either Committee"(also known as WDHRMBWDLTEC), consisting of approximately eight members, does not like romantic movies not so much because of the lack of quality or the over the top acting, but because of the content and the resulting reaction caused among the people who watch it. We feel it is a serious issue and therefore it must be addressed for the sake of the world's well-being.

We wanted to conduct an analysis but unfortunately we could not afford it on our budget of 5 dollars (We are an American based company. Where else could anyone come up with a name as creative as WDHRMBWDLTEC?). However our financial issues did not deter us and I was fortunate enough to be chosen by my people to write an article to bring to light the harmful effects and side-effects caused by mushy and over-sentimental cinema. We hope you realize the significance of this article and we would appreciate it if you did not read this with your partner if you have one as he/she/it might seduce you into thinking that romantic movies are okay. Believe me when I say this ---- They are not okay. Here are some reasons why:-

A) Unrealistic - Romantic movies are as unrealistic as a dorky kid being bitten by a spider, resulting in him having superpowers and saving the city in a supertight homoerotic costume. So why is it okay to like such movies? Why are movies with blue aliens in it okay?(We all know aliens are green). They are okay because they are so unrealistic you cannot completely relate to it unless you are suffering from a mental condition. Romantic movies on the other hand are about real people, but the content is anything but realistic hence leading to false hopes and unrealistic expectations from members of the opposite sex.

To provide you with an in-depth analysis into the deep dark world of such movies,we the WDHRMBWDLTEC sacrificed ourselves and actually sat through a few mushy, sentimental movies. It was a frightening, hair-raising, horrifying and bone-chilling experience, but we somehow managed to survive with the only harmful effect being the overuse of adjectives that mean the exact same thing.

We came to the conclusion that conventional romantic movies have two consistent patterns:-

1) Boy meets girl; both fall for each other; some misunderstanding causes them to separate; boy realizes he cannot live without her and she is "the one"; boy gives speech towards end of movie referring to girl's eyes, smile, voice, armpit hair etc. in front of 1700 strangely attentive people; crowd cheers wildly and some shed tears; girl loves speech; they live happily ever after.

2) Boy meets girl; he can't stop thinkin about her; he is too scared to express his feelings; girl feels the same way but isn't sure if the guy likes her; another guy(lets call him "jerk") enters the picture and girl dates him; jerk is made to look as much of a jerk as possible so audience roots against him and feels sorry for boy; boy can't take girl being treated badly; tries level best to wait right until jerk and girl's wedding ceremony to tell girl that jerk is a jerk and she deserves someone better like himself; crowd at wedding gasps; she says with tears in her eyes something along the lines of "Why didn't you ever say anything? I've always felt the same way"; they kiss; jerk is beaten up/humiliated; couple live happily ever after with beautiful kids.

Now the question you might ask if you actually cared would be "What's so unrealistic about that?" Well you'll know soon....

Unfortunately the WDHRMBWDLTEC could not afford the space required for the column as we spent all our money on sour grapes after being informed that the highest grossing movie of all time is a romantic movie. Therefore, we will have to continue our analysis next month.

Monday, 9 July 2007

How are you? Firstly, I would like to say that I am writing this letter in pink because Wikipedia tells me it's your favorite colour. I know the last few months have been really tough on you, and I am therefore writing this letter to tell you that I am on your side.

Ever since your jail sentence was announced, people in America have been celebrating with unprecedented fervor. I know you have no idea what the last two words of the previous sentence meant, so let me put it in simpler words ---- Most Americans hate you. And to quote your famous words of wisdom, “That is so not hot”.

Every time I watch Jay Leno or Conan O’Brien on T.V., they make a cheap joke about you, and the audience claps as though it were the first time they realized that they had the ability to make noise with their hands. Who the hell even decided that slapping one hand with the other should be a sign of appreciation? I do not expect you to know the answer, so please don’t bother thinking about it.

You also have all the major news networks bringing on a bunch of depressed old women to trash you and say you’re a spoilt brat who should go to jail for a year. A year?? All you did was drive drunk. You didn’t kill or harm anyone. If there’s anything you should go to jail for, it’s your music album. The stars are blind, but unfortunately the humans are not deaf.

The main reason people, essentially the media, say they hate you is because you are famous for no reason. Well firstly, the media has no right to complain because they are what made you famous in the first place. You did not ask for them to follow you around everywhere you go. You did not ask them to watch your horrible reality show featuring your formerly chubby and now anorexic best friend. You did not ask them to take pictures of you reading “The Idiot’s Guide to Reading Books” upside down.

Secondly, I believe that you do deserve the fame you have. The sex tapes you made might have had poor production values and the dialogue left a lot to be desired, but it changed a lot of lives. Poor horny male kids who had nothing going for them could now say that they had you, Paris Hilton, naked in their bedroom. Other celebrities have since decided that they too need to show their sexual talents to the world as they have no other talents at their disposal. Oprah has her way of changing lives. You have yours. Who are we to judge which way is right, and which way is wrong? Please do not answer this question.

The truth is that no one gives themselves fame. Fame is given to you by the public and the media. The media thinks that you go around getting drunk and having sex with innumerable people because you want the publicity and attention. You and I both know that you are way too dumb to play the media. And if what they say is true, and they did get played, how incredibly stupid are they? The basic fact is that you are easy and that is all. If everyone hates you to this extreme level only because you are a slut, then that’s just sad. Personally, I would like to say that I love sluts. I am a budding one myself.

I think there’s a deeper, more psychological reason as to why you are derided as much as you are. It’s known as Schadenfreude, a German word that means “Taking pleasure in the suffering of others”. So the next time anyone disses you or tries to bring you down, just scream “Schadenfreude!”. Not only will it confuse the shit out of them, but it might also make people think you have a brain. Or maybe they’ll just end up thinking you’ve been having lots of German sex. You never know..

I would like to conclude this letter by telling you that you should be proud of who you are. You are the most high profile slut in the world. And you should be proud of it.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Once upon a time, a month ago, three boys were sittin in a room with not much to do. Two of them, Mary and Juana(real names withheld for no particular reason), were stoners. The third, Manthan(that's the real name), was a sweet, innocent guy who didn't even smoke cigarettes but took in a lot of passive smoke and didn't seem to mind it. This is the story of what happened that fateful afternoon.

Mary and Juana had just got back from class and were really bored. It was too early to go and play, so they decided to just hang out in Juana's room. Juana was a regular stoner while Mary just smoked up occasionally. In came Manthan and he too had nothing to do. As Juana rolled a joint, the three just talked in general. Manthan was often an entertaining guy in his own way. This gave the stoners great joy as they had readymade material to laugh about.

Now if you do weed you must know what the "munchies" are. If you don't, well the munchies refers to the exceptionally undeniable craving for food, often a particular kind of food, after smoking marijuana. Now Mary didn't really like eating but he decided that today he must eat to his heart's content. Juana ate all the time but even more so when the munchies kicked in. But the interesting part was that Manthan, who doesn't smoke up, always seemed to suffer from the munchies more than anyone else. He talked about food as though he hadn't seen any in a month, when infact in most cases he had eaten 10 minutes earlier. He often gave the impression that food was to him, what sex is to normal guys.

So as they discussed what they should order, and made fun of Manthan, the Dominoes menu got their attention. They were really hungry now and Manthan went on about how they should all go out and eat. He liked to enjoy his eating experiences in good locations with exquisite ambience while the stoners just wanted to eat. As mentioned earlier, to Manthan food was like sex...this was probably his version of a "date" with food. Or maybe it was foreplay. The stoners convinced him to order in and after 5 minutes of painful expressions and sounds, Manthan gave in.

Now they had to decide what to order, and this is where Manthan gave the most beautiful speech ever....about food ofcourse. The stoners found this hilarious because the only guy who doesn't smoke up seemed to be suffering the most from the munchies. They listened carefully as Manthan intricately described "THE DOUBLE CHEESE CRUNCH PIZZA" with possible sexual connotations. The following is a summary of the famous speech:

"The double cheese crunch pizza is awezomee. See let me exblain. The crust has cheese in it and above that there's the topping....yanyyyyy topping of yanyyyy pizza you want....chiggen, pepperoni, barbegue yanythinggg. Above that topping there's moreee cheese, but its not the normal cheese....no no. It's this melted cheese dripppinggg zmooothly down the thin crizpy crust. mmmmmmmmm. Its simblyyy beautiful....the way they make it...you will easssily finish one whole pizza yourself. And you'll want more...."

(Manthan is South Indian)

After hearing this, Mary and Juana just couldn't stop picturing that beautiful picture Manthan had painted in their minds. They were seduced by The Double Cheese Crunch Pizza(DCCP). Unfortunately they just couldn;t afford it at the time. It broke their hearts like no woman ever could. They finally ordered some other pizzas from Dominoes but it just didn't feel the same....the Double Cheese Crunch Pizza could not be replaced.

So the next day, once again on the munchies, Mary decided he just had to have the elusive DCCP. He had just enough money and he wanted to enjoy it all by himself. He excitedly picked up his phone, called dominoes and ordered the DCCP. The person who was taking the order asked Mary if he wanted extra cheese and that it would be Rs. 40. Money was the last thing on Mary's mind right now and he said "yes" without a semblance of hesitation. It was all about the pizza....nothing more, nothing less. He just couldn't wait for it to arrive. These were the slowest 30 minutes of his life. He sat there twiddling his thumbs and just staring at his computer waiting....waiting in anticipation for the pizza of his dreams.

When he finally got a call from Dominoes to come out of his room to pick up the pizza, he couldn't hide the excitement in his voice as he said "sure!! I'll be out in a minute!!" He quickly paid the delivery boy and went into his room, locking it shut so that no one could disturb him from the most beautiful meal of his life. Mary sat down and slowly opened the box as if it were a treasure chest. There it was, glowing like the reflection of the bright sun on the sea. There it was, looking as enchanting as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. There it was, The Double Cheese Crunch Pizza.

He carefully lifted a piece. He slowly moved it in the direction of his mouth because he wanted to cherish this moment forever, and not destroy it due to any haste. Slowly, steadily, he moved it closer to his mouth. As his mouth watered in anticipation, he finally took a bite of the scrumptious, heavenly pizza with melted cheese dripping all over it. And then he realized something. He HATES CHEESE.