A fast paced, character driven comedy screenplay which challenges the survival of modern relationships through a gauntlet of language barrier mishaps, role reversals and a daunting prospective mother-in-law

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Angelika, you were big Schlampe. Every time I introduced a boy, you took him from me.

ANGELIQUE
You had the best boys. But nobody was good enough for you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Everybody was good enough for you. You slept with every boyfriend I had, except Hans. Hans was good to me.

ANGELIQUE
I must tell you something about Hans and me.

Frau Knobloch shoots an angry look.

ANGELIQUE
Anyway, you got Gustav, the best man ever.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
But he die.

ANGELIQUE
Besides that, you always had it perfect.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Angelika, I had so much fear that I fail. I work hard at university, at job, just work. No seeing the world. Then Jutta come, no more chance for fun. Und alone, always alone. You think that easy? I am jealous of you.

BOB
My parents let me do anything. You can’t learn unless you’re confronted with your mistakes. I do well in a hostile environment where you get your head bit off at the slightest misstep. You’re really good at that.
Jutta’s phone rings. She turns it off without diverting her attention from Bob.

BARTENDER
OK, one more, but then I gotta’ cut you off. Oh, looks like the show’s starting. JR’s up first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
JR?

ANGELIQUE
JR?

Bartender serves two more drinks. Frau Knobloch and Angelique become increasingly drunk.The theme song to “Dallas” starts to play. Frau Knobloch and Angelique have their own personal religious experiences when they hear it. JR, a striptease version of the character from “Dallas,” enters, poses, dances.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
JR!

ANGELIQUE
JR!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Shhhhhhhhh!

ANGELIQUE
Shhhhhhhhh!

Angelique waves to JR, eliciting an angry look from Frau Knobloch.Frau Knobloch tries to catch JR’s eye by drinking her JR’s Special seductively and posing. Angelique tries to catch up by downing her drink and licking her lips. Frau Knobloch finishes her drink and pours ice into her cleavage.

ANGELIQUE
We play fair, right?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, OK. You too.

JR does a particularly sexy move. Angelique shrieks and runs for him. Frau Knobloch stops her. JR throws a small piece of clothing to the audience. Frau Knobloch runs for it, pushing several men out of the way.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I got it!!!

JR dances on the bar. Man in Drag Three tucks a bill into JR’s pants. Angelique hits him with her purse. Man in Drag Four starts feeling JR up. Frau Knobloch shoves him. In the meantime, Angelique climbs on the bar. Frau Knobloch becomes infuriated and climbs on the bar on JR’s other side.

Bartender climbs on the bar and tries to stop Angelique, who accidentally backhands her in the face. Man in Drag Five tries to stop Frau Knobloch who wrestles with him, causes his wig to come off in her hand. She screams, then punches him.

JR
Security!!!

In the midst of their tug-a-war, they accidentally knock JR off the bar, and a candle falls over. JR is unconscious.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

INT. - GAY BAR - NIGHTGay bar filled with drag queens. Rainbow flags, a sign “Drag Night at Dallas Bar” and many candles adorn. The BARTENDER is a very butch woman. Frau Knobloch and Angelique enter with great excitement, glammed up to the hilt, including wigs.

ANGELIQUE
So, this is JR’s place?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Be careful of the Amis - very superficial. Always say nice thing, but just want something.

ANGELIQUE
You remember our deal. We watch JR’s show, but we not talk with him. He choose.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, ja. But you too.

BARTENDER
Wow, you two really outdid yourselves. I would have sworn you were real women if it weren’t for all the glitz.
(to Angelique)
Only a drag queen would wear that much make-up.

ANGELIQUE
(to Frau Knobloch, proud)
He called me a queen.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You are so naive! Fooled by superficial compliment.
(to Bartender)
I am a queen too!

ANGELIQUE
(flirting with Bartender)
And where are all the men? You seem to be the only man here.

BARTENDER
Thanks. But actually I consider myself a boi, B-O-I, boi.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(to Angelique)
Why he think we know not how to spell?
(to Bartender)
I know that. B-O-I.

BARTENDER
So what are you girls drinking?

ANGELIQUE
Girls! I have a beer.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
No, no beer! You know what the Amis put in beer?

ANGELIQUE
Don’t tell me what to do!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
OK, have a beer.

BARTENDER
How about tonight’s special - JR’s Favorite?

FRAU KNOBLOCHJa!

ANGELIQUE
Yes!

BARTENDER
Kinda’ like a Long Island Iced Tea.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Tea?

ANGELIQUE
Add schnapps to mine.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Mine too.

BARTENDER
You sure?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja!

ANGELIQUE
Yes! . . . The women here are not so attractive. Not much competition.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Ja, but really ugly. I never see so hideous women.

ANGELIQUE
That one is so ugly, she look like a man.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Wait! What kind of place is this? Normal women are not so ugly . . . I think they are French.

Monday, June 7, 2010

INT. IZARRA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAYChris tries to make a call on his cell phone, becomes frustrated. A coffee cup stands next to him. Izarra meditates next to a white painting canvas, tries to get his attention.

IZARRA
Ooooohm.

Izarra looks to see if Chris noticed, then tries louder.

IZARRA
Ooooohm!

Chris tries to appear oblivious, but he’s actually intrigued.

IZARRA
Ooooohm!!!

CHRIS
(playfully)
Need something?

IZARRA
No, I’m working.

CHRIS
Oh.

Chris goes back to his phone.

IZARRA
Ooooohm!!!

CHRIS
What kind of work are you doing?

IZARRA
Well, since you’ve already interrupted, I’m painting.

CHRIS
You’re so creative.

IZARRA
Requires great concentration.

CHRIS
Don’t you need paint?

IZARRA
I’m asking for inspiration from the spirit world.

CHRIS
Getting an answer?

IZARRA
No. Every day, I sit down and wait. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn’t. My last work took six months.

CHRIS
Can I see it?

IZARRA
Last time someone didn’t like my work, I was severely depressed. I couldn’t leave the apartment and started banging my head against the wall over and over. Then my roommate moved out. Said she couldn’t take it.

CHRIS
What snapped you out of it?

IZARRA
My mother visited.

CHRIS
Oh nice, before she passed away.

IZARRA
No, years after.

Izarra reveals a canvas painted completely black.

IZARRA
What do you think?

CHRIS
Six months? Want me to be honest?

IZARRA
But nice.

CHRIS
Fascinating.

IZARRA
Everybody sees something different.

CHRIS
I think I see what’s going on in your head.

IZARRA
I asked for inspiration, but I kept getting nothing. Then I realized nothing didn’t mean nothing. It meant black.

CHRIS
Have you gotten other messages?

IZARRA
Not yet. But black is a popular theme in the spirit world. It’s a series of 23 paintings now.
Izarra starts drinking Chris’s coffee.

IZARRA
You’ve been so busy since you moved in 3 weeks ago. Hardly noticed me.

CHRIS
I’ve been working on the restaurant. It’s too much for me.

IZARRA
I’m so proud of you. Kiss me!

CHRIS
No, It’s a mess. I can’t do it.

IZARRA
You could kiss me anyway.

CHRIS
I really appreciate staying here. Lucky thing you have a pull-out couch.

IZARRA
Yeah, lucky thing.

CHRIS
I should be paying half the rent.

Izarra flips the coffee cup over to read the grounds.

IZARRA
Monetary compensation wasn’t what I had in mind.

CHRIS
You’re a great friend, Izarra.

IZARRA
Story of my life.
(reading the grounds)
There she is again, that woman. She even has the same weird hair. You miss Jutta, don’t you?

CHRIS
(dialing cell phone)
No.

IZARRA
Who are you calling?

CHRIS
Jutta. I left several messages. She hasn’t called back.

IZARRA
Heartless.

CHRIS
I shouldn’t have left. She could change.

IZARRA
Yeah, and the world government doesn’t use radiation from computer screens to cause impotence.

Chris pushes himself away from the computer.

IZARRA
Nobody changes. Our course is written in the stars.

CHRIS
If the restaurant was a success, it would impress Jutta and her family.

CHRIS
I know your dad was incredible, and I know I’ll never be as good. I’ll improve and always strive to be something more. But I’ll always be Chris, not your father.

Bob enters, wearing an apron and carrying a duster.

BOB
I finished the kitchen.

JUTTA
I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.

BOB
You’re not gonna’ fire me, are you?

JUTTA
As long as I have a job with the company, so do you.

BOB
Thank you. You have no idea how much that means --

JUTTA
You can go now.

Silence as Bob leaves.

CHRIS
You gonna’ fire him?

JUTTA
Yeah. His pea-sized brain isn’t worth the air space it occupies.

CHRIS
You lied.

JUTTA
If a subordinate knows he’s getting fired, he’s a liability. Incompetent people make you look good. And when a mistake happens, you blame it on them and send ‘em out the door. It’s Bob’s time now.

CHRIS
How you gonna’ tell him?

JUTTA
I’ll give him a call one evening and tell him to pick up his box in the morning.

CHRIS
Is that what you’ll do when it’s my time? ... My box is already packed.

BOB
Ms. Knobloch, things are bad at the office. We’ve lost 3 key accounts, and there are rumors of layoffs.

JUTTA
Nothing to worry about.

BOB
If I had some furniture polish.

Jutta hands Bob furniture polish.

BOB
Secretarial staff will be the first to go.

JUTTA
There won’t be any layoffs without my say-so.

BOB
Mr. Perez said my review was horrible.

Frau Knobloch hands Bob a broom. He sweeps furiously.

JUTTA
That can’t be true.

BOB
You’re the only one who reviews me.

Frau Knobloch points out spots where Bob should sweep.

JUTTA
I didn’t give you a bad review.

BOB
You didn’t write that my pea-sized brain isn’t worth the air space it occupies?

JUTTA
No-one would be so unprofessional.

Angelique enters with clothing over her arm.

ANGELIQUE
All my clothings are wrinkled. Have you an iron?

Frau Knobloch sets up the ironing board. Jutta plugs in the iron. Frau Knobloch takes the clothes from Angelique and hands them to Bob who immediately begins to iron efficiently. Frau Knobloch exits to kitchen.

ANGELIQUE
(flirting with Bob)
Hello.

BOB
(on the verge of crying)
I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my job. I love this job. Do you have any spray starch?

Jutta hands Bob spray starch.

BOB
I love working for you, Ms. Knobloch.

ANGELIQUE
(flirting aggressively)
You missed a spot.

BOB
(starting to cry)
Mr. Perez wants to see me first thing in the morning, and I know he’s gonna’ fire me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

INT. JUTTA AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAYChris and Izarra sit at a table, with coffee. Izarra flirts.

IZARRA
Izarra. With a rolled “r.” Izarra.

CHRIS
(tries unsuccessfully)
Izarra.

Izarra giggles at his ridiculous attempt.

IZARRA
That’s so cute. Means star goddess.

CHRIS
Sorry, looks like I got some grounds in the cup.

IZARRA
Don’t worry, I’m an Aquarius.

CHRIS
Oh sorry.

IZARRA
Aquarius is my sun sign. We’re abstract thinkers, creative
people, not bound to the confines of the status quo.

CHRIS
Huh?

IZARRA
Besides, I read coffee grounds.

She throws the remainder of her coffee out the window.

CHRIS
Hey!

Izarra flips the coffee cup upside down.

IZARRA
Aquariuses see the world differently.

She turns the cup back over and looks inside. Chris tries to take a sip of coffee. Izarra stops him in order to show him her cup.

IZARRA
Look at the scene the grounds paint for me. Here’s my
love life. Just some older woman with a funny hairdo.
Mother complex. Mom died when I was little. Aquariuses
have trouble with love. We always come across as a good
friend when we really want something romantic.

Chris attempts to drink his coffee a second time. Izarra stops him in order to emphasize her next point.

IZARRA
Luckily, I have a Scorpio ascendent. The ascendent is what
you become as your life progresses. Scorpios are very
sensual by nature. A little kinky sometimes in a dark sort
of way, but they love sex. I have a great future ahead of me.

CHRIS
Interesting --

IZARRA
Let’s look at yours.

She grabs the cup from Chris and throws the coffee out the window. Chris seizes it in hopes of rescuing a little.

CHRIS
I wanted to drink that.

He finishes off what’s in the cup, chokes on the grounds and spits them in the cup.

CHRIS
Grounds.

IZARRA
The Scorpio in me thought that was hot. OK, flip it over.

CHRIS
(complies)
I don’t believe in this sort of thing.

IZARRA
Now turn it right side up.

He does. Izarra examines the coffee grounds.

CHRIS
Do you really know how to do this?

IZARRA
Shhhhhhhh. There are clouds over your career.

CHRIS
Career? I stock shelves.

IZARRA
But you do it with me. I’m really an artist, you know. I paint.

CHRIS
Oh? Where can I see your work?

IZARRA
I’m between shows. I was a princess in a previous life.

CHRIS
Really?

IZARRA
The Russian Tsarina Alexandra.

Chris is clueless.

IZARRA
Anastasia’s mother.

CHRIS
I hear Anastasia’s still alive. You might want to get in touch.

IZARRA
No, she died with me. Bright little one. I hear, in her
present life, she’s a crack addict living under a bridge.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

INT. AIRPORT - DAYChris, Jutta, Frau Knobloch and Angelique stand in the security line at the airport in Germany.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM
If you notice any suspicious activity, please notify
airport security.

FRAU KNOBLOCHWas sagt er?
SUBTITLES
What did he say?

ANGELIQUE
English.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I know. I practice English for JR.

JUTTA
This line is so long.

CHRIS
I dreamed I’m a master chef.

JUTTA
You look cute in your chef hat.

CHRIS
Preparing a masterpiece organic souffle for a big
competition.

JUTTA
Chocolate?

CHRIS
What do you think of my restaurant idea?

JUTTA
I love your dreams.

CHRIS
I wanna’ make it reality.

JUTTA
A live vegan restaurant?

CHRIS
Yeah.

JUTTA
That’s a very small niche market.

CHRIS
Live food is big in LA.

JUTTA
What percentage of the population is dedicated to
a live foods diet?

CHRIS
Well, maybe --

JUTTA
How many even know what it is?

CHRIS
I guess --

JUTTA
Business plan? Financial projections? Funding?

CHRIS
Not yet.

JUTTA
It’s another impractical dream you’ll give up on.

CHRIS
Thanks for your support.

JUTTA
Like my father always said, you have to be born
with a killer instinct to make it in business.

CHRIS
Killer instinct?

JUTTA
When a shark smells blood in the water, he instinctively
knows there’s a weakened animal prone for attack.
He doesn’t think. He goes for the kill. In business,
when you detect weakness, you go for the kill. You’re
gonna’ get torn apart.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

EXT. ON DECK OF RIVER CRUISE SHIP - DAYChris and Jutta stand looking at the passing scenery. Frau Knobloch and Angelique, both in grumpy moods, stand on either side of the them. Chris tries even harder to impress.

CHRIS
(whispering to Jutta)
What’s going on?

JUTTA
They talk on the phone all day long, just not
in person. They’re fighting.

CHRIS
For how long now?

JUTTA
Fifty years.
(to Frau Knobloch)
Isn’t it nice to see Aunt Angelique?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talk with Angelika.

ANGELIQUE
I not talk with Knobloch.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talk with you more than you not talk
with me.

JUTTAMutti!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I am occupied not talking with Tante Angelika!

ANGELIQUE
Why does our not talking happen in English?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(mocking)
Chris speak not so good German.

JUTTA
Stop!

CHRIS
Can I ask something?

JUTTA, FRAU KNOBLOCH AND ANGELIQUE
NO!

JUTTAMutti, this is for Chris.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Pervert.

ANGELIQUE
Pervert.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You think you know everything.

ANGELIQUE
You think you know everything!

Jutta’s cell phone rings.

JUTTA
Bob!

She answers the phone and leaves. Chris tries to go too, but is stopped by Frau Knobloch who pushes him into Angelique.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I am the one who know you having something with my JR.

Angelique pushes Chris into Frau Knobloch.

ANGELIQUEAch so! JR!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I not talking with you!

ANGELIQUE
Chris, tell Frau Knobloch I have JR first.

CHRIS
What?

ANGELIQUE
Tell her!

CHRIS
She heard you.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I hear nothing.

CHRIS
She said she had JR first.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(surprised)
Hah? Schlampe! Say her, I have him back.
He want me, only me.

Chris is confused. Frau Knobloch hits him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Say her!

CHRIS
She says JR only wants her.

ANGELIQUE
Oh? If she think that, then it is not only the Amis
who spinnen.

CHRIS
She said you’re cool.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
(insulted)Ach so?

ANGELIQUE
He is not so a man who stay only with one
woman.

Chris repeats word for word. His accent starts to become more and more like Angelique’s.

CHRIS
He is not so a man who stay only with one
woman.

ANGELIQUE
He have many.

CHRIS
He have many.

ANGELIQUE
One after the other.

CHRIS
One after the other.

ANGELIQUE
(hits Chris)
You making fun of me???
(to Frau Knobloch)
I find JR in the internet chat room, and he is so
real man, like the real JR. Then I tell you, and you
write him behind my back.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
I find him first, und you go behind my back!

ANGELIQUE
I was first!

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Anyway, he was the one who wrote us both.
Perfect man. Like real JR.

ANGELIQUE
Perfect. You think he is JR?

CHRIS
You can’t believe you met the actor from “Dallas”
in a chat room.

FRAU KNOBLOCH AND ANGELIQUE
Pervert!

ANGELIQUE
We write each other about the evil world
government. They want to destroy love.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
Oh, that again.

ANGELIQUE
JR understand me. I fall in love.

FRAU KNOBLOCHJa, me too.

ANGELIQUE
I want him.

FRAU KNOBLOCH
He’s mine. We settle this now. Piss competition.

ANGELIQUE
Piss competition?

FRAU KNOBLOCH
You und me. The one who do the most piss und
not fall down win.

Friday, March 26, 2010

INT. IZARRA’S APARTMENT - NIGHTThe apartment is filled with moving boxes. An OLDER WOMAN unpacks. Izarra hangs a picture of Chris (that she took on her cell phone, including thumb in foreground) on the wall. Older Woman shakes her head in disapproval. Izarra lights a candle in front of the picture, sits on the floor yoga style and meditates.

JUTTA
You get the job’s done, or you can pack up
your little box and leave now ...

An uncomfortable silence pervades the room. Frau Knobloch looks sternly at Chris who tries to break the tension with a forced laugh, unsuccessfully. Chris picks up his coffee in an attempt to fill the time gap, realizes how dangerous that might be, and places it back on the table, then notices Frau Knobloch had been watching.

CHRIS
It’s a little hot. I can wait for the coffee ... as
much time as it needs ... I probably won’t drink
it at all.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

INT. ANGELIQUE’S HOUSE, GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHTLight radiates throughout the bedroom disturbing Chris’s sleep. He stares at the ceiling, turns over, then turns over again. Finally, he places the pillow over his head.

Chris searches for the peas shelf, becomes increasingly frustrated. Finally, he puts the can back in thebox, hides the box behind a nearby display and leaves. IZARRA, his coworker, retrieves the box and begins placing the cans in the correct place.

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAYJUTTA reviews documents at her desk in a large corner office.

STORE EMPLOYEE
You're going to Germany to meet
her mother? Ready for that?

Izarra becomes disappointed as she overhears.
CHRIS
Have to be.

As Chris places the last bottle at the top of the pyramid, itcomes crashing to the ground. Store Employee hastily leaves.

BOSS (O.S.)
Chris!

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAYJutta rushes through a full office floor with BOB following three steps behind. As Jutta enters her office, she snaps her fingers and points over her shoulder to a table as she continues to her desk. Bob places a stack of presentations on the table and stands at attention. Jutta goes to work, then becomes irritated that Bob is still there.

JUTTA
You can go.

BOB
Yes, Ms. Knobloch.

INT. EVERYTHING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE - DAYChris mops up the chocolate mess. A heavy set female Shopperflies around the corner with a shopping cart, slips. The cartgoes flying, and the Shopper falls in the chocolate.

INT. JUTTA'S OFFICE - DAYJutta leaves her office and strides toward three employees ina row. All three look frightened and bury their faces intheir work. Without pausing, Jutta whisks past the three,dropping a document on each desk while giving harsh feedback.