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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The demon of “Leap Day” has finally acquired his black knight. After centuries of failed attempts to create a mass breach of our reality, the tools of our disposal have gently fluttered into his hands.

Every four years, humanity enters a state of mass hallucination. The entire race dreams a non-existent day. The earth actually does go around the sun every 365 days, not the pathetic lie of 365.25 days. Humans added the .25 as a feeble way of explaining away the existence of Leap Day. The truth is much too difficult for the average human brain to handle.

Once every four years, the portal to the dungeon dimensions of the "Leaper" opens. His influence spills across the hive mind of humanity like thick, black syrup. Every human exists in this temporal dream-state thinking that it is just any other day. Little do they know the Leaper is poking and prying in everyone's mind, clawing desperately to garner your attention and in doing so, claiming your soul. The only people who die on Leap Day, did so because the Leaper was able to penetrate their psychic barrier. Those who would have died anyway, the ill and elderly are easy prey, a healthy person is almost impossible for him to defeat.

It is extremely difficult for the Leaper to gain anyone's attention. The soul is a human's astral-immune system to extra-dimensional influences. If that immune system is somehow compromised, the Leaper can infect the soul, devouring it. A human's soul can become susceptible in many different ways. Our actions, whether conscious or unconscious, alter the soul's configuration. A soul could become infected by the owner simply noticing a particularly pleasant sunset, or by not ordering the quiche. Any action could prevent your soul from compensating to the shifting psychic vibrations.

The psychic plane is composed entirely of varying degrees of vibration. Our existence resonates in different ways on the psychic plane and our soul, in turn, reacts to those vibrations. If a soul is unable to compensate for a particular vibration, it can become infected. People's souls become infected all the time, just like any other illness. Your psychic immune system will eventually repair itself just like your physical body's immune system. The problem occurs when your soul is compromised and there is something there to take advantage of it.

It takes four years for the Leaper to gather enough power to assert the mass hallucination. He will use his claimed souls as weapons of conquest on the psychic plane. He will attempt to bombard everyone with distraction. If your grandmother died on the previous Leap Day, he may use her as a weapon on the following Leap Day. Her vibrations would be familiar to your vibrations and he could use her a pry bar on your soul. But healthy human souls form a collective web. Your healthy soul, supported by neighboring souls, is easily able to ignore and overcome the attempt. But if the Leaper had claimed a person that could resonate with multiple souls at the same time, the joint, protective web of souls could be infected en masse. Which brings me to my point....

Davy Jones of the Monkees died today. Today is Leap Day. As I type this we are all swimming in the Leaper's psychic war zone. His weapons are weak this year, he is only claiming the dying. He has not been able to crack the shells of any healthy souls as far as I can tell. But then Davy Fucking Jones had to go and have a heart attack in the middle of the Leap Day hallucination. He belongs to the Leaper now. In four years we are all dead.

In four years, "Daydream Believer" will be echoing from the trumpets of of the Leaper's evil, psychic hordes. Davy Jone's sweet voice will be the Ebola virus of the astral plane. We will, in unison, recognize the songs of The Monkees, and with that our web of souls with shatter and a domino effect of distraction and infection will follow. We will belong to the Leaper. Thanks Davy Jones.

It's sad to think that we all only have four years to live. Well you all have four years, I have slightly less. I'm going to do the smart thing on February 28th, 2016, by eating a fucking bullet. The Leaper won't get me! HE WON'T GET ME!! HA HA HA HA!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Congratulations! We have reviewed thirteen responses to your recently launched online companionship profile and narrowed the candidates down to two based on the preferences you specified in the compatibility questionnaire. Your current preference is set to [male, exotic, international, muscular]. So please review the below profiles to see if you want to initiate a message exchange, or visit your account homepage to change your preference settings. Happy love hunting!

You have a message!

Lamar says: "I think you look very sexual in your profile picture, but I think you should instead of smiling make a kissing face and grab your boobs more. We should webcam meet!"- Take a look at his profile!

Lamar Verdana, M 38yo 5'11 209lbs

Hey, you sexy lady. I am living in America for 12 years now and am now working in restaurant as a waiter. But I am working very much to become a model, as I have a very good body and very sexual eyes. I am looking for American woman that has a good job and no childrens, and that might like to ride motorcycles.

I am often playing online video games, and I am a very desirable ally in many guilds. If you do not also play online games then you should probably start them because I do mostly the games all day long. Working in restaurants makes you work all the time in the evenings, so I am awake for very strange hours.

My body is very good shape, and I make lots of exercising to stay sexy to women. My lovemaking is very enthusiastic, and even when I am not with a women I practice very much to stay good at it. If you want to meet me for lovemaking I will be very happy for it, but you will have to ride trains to get here because I never own car license.

You have a message!

Oleg says: "You are very lucky to get messages from me. This website will not allow me to webcam message you unless you reply to this, so hurry and send back before I lose interest. I am a very powerful and handsome so don't delay." - Take a look at his profile!

Oleg Petroslav, M 32yo 6'2 248lbs

Hello, women of America. It is I, Oleg of Belarus. I am now looking for beautiful American ladies since I have left my home to pursue my bodybuilding career. I enjoy large, pale women that are able to both cook hearty meals and swing a wood axe. A fertile womb is a must-have.

My personal time is spent frolicking in water, and I am very proficient at swimming. I am also very interested in fine, classy tattoos. I despise trashy tattoos, but mine are all very artistic and beautiful. I will soon be covered in tattoos, but I do not like woman to have tattoos because it ruins the beautiful, pale flesh.

No woman can resist my massive and beautiful body. All ladies that send me messages should not be discouraged if I do not immediately respond, as I expect to have some difficulty keeping up with the volume. If you would like more pictures of me I can send them to you if you send me $12 American dollars to develop my disposable cameras.

Monday, February 27, 2012

This is such bullshit! I watched the Cadmy Awards last night and they didn't not even talk about me. Bullshit! Rico said that if when I started making my movies that I would get Cadmy Awards and Oskirts and a whole bunch of other tight shit.

It was so fucked up! I actressed in like, over 75 different movies last year. I thought I would have won something for at least half of those. I act so fucking good. In "Cum Bum Anal Invasion", I had to pretend to not like anal, I was all like "Ow, no Mr... please, not in my poo button" And I had to pretend to cry and junk. That is not easy you know. I had to use like, memories to act good and stuff.

I thought I was winning awards right at the beginning of the Cadmys. They were all like "Presenting Crystal" and I was like OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!! But instead of me walking out on the TV to get my statue it was a gross old man. Rico said he was like, Billy Crystal and not me Crystal. Rico is such a prick!

They had a Best Actress catergory and I was so for sure positive that I was gonna win. I thought everybody saw me when I acted like a cave woman in "Cum Caveman Cum Cum Cum" Its not easy to say my lines with my mouth full of all that cum. I'd like to see Billy Crystal try it! I bet he would have to swallow and say his lines like an amateur. But you know what? My name was not even mentioned once! What the fuck?!

Old Mr Marquino says that I'm the Meryl Streep of fisting. Rico saids that Meryl Streep has wond Oskirts statues and other shit and she is sooooo not hot. It doesn't make any sense! Those Hollywood people don't know shit about what good actressing is. I bet Meryl Streep has never taken 30 blindfolded creampies like I did in "Make Me Pregnant Vol 17".

Rico said that maybe I don't like, stand out enough! I was like "Fuck you Rico!" and he like calmed me down by giving me this sweet Tasmanian Devil tattoo on my tit. His cartoon boner is my nipple. If that doesn't make that Cadmys give me statues, I don't know what will.

I am for sure to win next year. Tomorrow we start filming a historical, like, drama movie. I play a lady Abraham Lincoln. I get to act all like, presidential and junk. I'll wear a big beard with that big hat, it is gonna be the shit! The movie ends with me banging a huge black John Wilkes Booth in a theater and he sassisnates me in the face with his big black cock blast. Everybody is going to cry so hard when I fake like I died and stuff. Fuck yeah!

Next year I better see myself getting statues on the TV or I am gonna sue somebody. I'm fucking serious! I am so serious, Rico! I am so! I'll sue you! Fucking Rico!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

For billions of years the earth has been in balance with itself, and has long sustained a constantly evolving biology driven by the variables of reproductive success. The ingenious way this is achieved is through the death or sterilization of the weakest among a given species' ranks. If every monkey but one was able to climb trees, he stood a higher probability of being eaten by predators. If a particular dinosaur was born with an uncontrollable urge to gnaw off it's own genitals then it was much less likely to breed successfully and pass along those undesirable genes. Then came mankind.

We have managed to overcome that natural balance and create a bountiful and lush environment for ourselves to rapidly reproduce. Where it is cold, we make warm homes. Where it is hot we air condition. And when someone is born with their brain and lungs on the outside of their body, we stuff them back in, sew them up, and send them to school to be educated. Not surprisingly this has given rise to some rather unfavorable genes still floating around in our society.

And before you get up on your high horse and accuse me of advocating genocide, I would like to to point out that this problem will have no consequence for humanity in any way. You see, in order for us to degrade our genepool to the point that we are no longer viable and become extinct we would need to survive many thousands and millions of years from now. We all know that we will either destroy the earth's ability to sustain us and we will starve, we will destroy all society and culture in world wars, or both, long before we suffer on evolutionary terms.

Want proof that natural selection is dead? I will provide several examples of modern body modification practices that have their roots in medieval torture, all with glorious pictures you can cringe at. If we are to the point of inflicting these atrocities on ourselves willingly, then we have retained genetic markers that should have long ago been selected out of the genepool.

We start with the most famous torture/execution method in history, crucifixion. You see, this method utilizes nails to suspend someone from a structure and cause their body weight to tear their flesh and leave them to suffer in agony. The modern equivalent is done with stainless steel hooks that pierce the skin, and is quite common among counter-culture groups.

Another torture practice is known as flaying and consists of the removal of the skin, usually in long strips. This is one of the more universally feared torture methods, for obvious reasons. But some body modification enthusiasts still pursue this horrible procedure. Although quite intricate and artistic, the scarification process makes my skin crawl (pun intended).

The act of quartering is basically the forceful removal of the limbs, usually after tying arms and legs to horses and setting them all running in different directions. This is a truly ferocious method of amputation and spells certain death for the accused. The modern equivalent is surgical amputation, from the toes (pictured here) to full limbs.

The final example is particularly brutal, and is known as "the pear of anguish". This contraption is inserted into the vagina or anus and cranked until the device blossoms, causing severe distention in the sensitive tissues and assuring infection. The same concept is applied regularly in the pornography industry, as well as in private sexual practices. It is interesting that this terrifying act has evolved into a pleasurable one, as indicated by her sincere smile.

So there you have it, readers. You have now been enlightened to the evolution of torture and it's implication on the decline of observed natural selection in the human race. There is no need to thank me, but you're welcome anyway.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hello, all. Please join me for an evening tale of buggery and debauchery, expertly read in the feminine first-person by the esteemed Hamtackle. So whether you are the type to get soggy, or the type that gets stiff, you will be sure to find this post most... stimulating.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The executive elevator was crowded by the presence of two near strangers on a mission. Vic Musket had one friend in the world right now, and he was standing next to him as they descended to a subterranean parking garage. Bertram deactivated an alarm from his pocket and a pair of BMW headlights flashed in response, catching Vic's eye.

"God damn. That's a nice car." He said.

"I know. That's why I hope you wont be offended when I make you sit on a blanket. You're filthy, Vic. And that is leather." Bert was quite sincere.

"No problem, Bert." Vic waited until the precious interior was sufficiently protected, then sat down in the passenger seat slamming the door quite hard. Before Bert could protest Vic had already lit a cigarette.

They were headed to meet a lawyer in a hotel room a few miles away. The men were following instructions given from the DA, who was under serious pressure to solve the horrible murder Vic was accused of. Vic remained suspicious of the DA, but was convinced Bert was an ally. He just hoped his pull could get him out of this, or at least keep the case open if he had to do some time. After a short drive the men arrived at a tall building that was covered in glass windows and surrounded by scrambling tourists and convention-goers.

"They said he would be waiting in the lobby. I sure hope this doesn't take long. I have to take a shit like you wouldn't believe." Bert said rather dryly, surprising Vic. He seemed like he had about as much personality as the suit he was wearing, but maybe Vic had him all wrong...

The two men walked into the hotel lobby and were immediately approached by a smiling, obese mexican in a tee shirt and shorts. "I take it you are Vic Musket. They told me you couldn't be missed." The man said, drawing an aggressive stare from Vic. He didn't like someone having an edge on him, and said nothing in response. "Follow me, guys. I have a room on the sixth floor." The man started off to the elevator.

"Before we head up, do you mind if I use the restroom?" Bert asked. He appeared to be sweating.

"Of course. I think it is down the hallway, on the other side of the bar." The lawyer gestured, and Bert was off without a word at a pace that indicated he was desperate. "By the looks of it he might be awhile. Care for a drink, Mr. Musket? I'm buying..."

"Well if you twist my arm..." Vic grinned.

Bert was befouling a bathroom stall in a very loud way, and had been for the better part of a half hour, when he heard a loud crash and some shouting. The words replayed in his head... "down the hallway, on the other side of the BAR" He sprung to his feet and burst out of the stall door, still buttoning his fine trousers and slightly shitting himself in the process. He just hoped Vic was fighting strangers, and not the lawyer.

Scum City Avengers: 2nd Album cover never finished, band broke up - by dopaMEAN

I have never seen this picture before. I did some Googling and found an unfinished picture of the Scum City Avengers 2nd album that was never made. I don't know who the guy is who drew it and I don't have a Myspace account. If you do, why not check out the artist's page?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Billy, sit down. We need to have a talk. I spoke to your teacher yesterday and she told me you have been a little... curious with the girls in your class recently. Now I don't want you to be embarrassed, son. This is really a normal thing that all boys go through when they are your age. Even me!

But we need to make sure you can control your feelings and respect the bodies of other people. It gets easier as you grow older, and soon you will understand why. You know what I'm talking about right, Billy? The way your underwear gets crowded when you look at girls? Well it is totally natural.

You see, boys have cocks and girls have cunts, and cocks and cunts really enjoy each other's company. So when you look at girls your cock wants to meet the cunt and spit on it. The way your cock tells you what it wants is by growing and shouting things in your head. It says things like "Go touch Susie's underwear while you have the chance. She won't be bending over forever!", and "I want to meet your teacher! I'm not going away until you show me to her!". But you have to ignore your cock almost all the time. If you ever do what it tells you when you are in public then the police will come and take you away. They may keep you in a room for a long time, and even after the let you go home they will tell everyone in your neighborhood that you are a boy that can't ignore his cock. People will be afraid and angry at you.

But some day a girl will let you talk to her more than once, and she might even smile at you. And if you say really nice things to her, and maybe give her a little money, she might introduce you to her cunt. But make sure that you NEVER ask to meet it. Girls are very protective of their cunts and get angry if they think you are trying to meet theirs without being nice to them first. And if you do meet her cunt, you can kiss it and pet it, but be careful not to scare it. It will hide if you make any sudden moves. Let the cunt come to you, son.

If your meeting goes well then you might be able to introduce it to your cock. By that time it will be very eager to socialize, but don't pull it out to quickly because you might scare the cunt back into hiding. You should be able to tell if the cunt wants to meet your cock because it will start foaming at the mouth. When they first meet your cock will try to attack the cunt, but will eventually be overpowered and get eaten by the cunt. Don't be alarmed, this is normal. After a little while your cock will get a little aggressive and spit in the cunt's mouth.

Before allowing this to happen you may want to install a hat on your cock, which can prevent all kinds of sicknesses that your cock can catch. It will even stop something terrible from happening, because cunts sometime throw up BABIES! That's right, after cocks and cunts meet and the cock spits in the cunt's mouth the cunt sometimes throws up a bunch of blood and mucus that turns into a baby. That's how all babies are made, and it is a very disgusting and painful process that should be avoided at all costs, unless you are old and lonely.

So that explains about why you keep wanting to touch the girls in school, and why you can't act on those thoughts. Now remember everything I just told you, son, because we will never talk about it again and the world expects you to act like you can't hear your cock screaming in your brain all day long, because that is what being a man is all about. Now let's take a look at your homework...

Monday, February 20, 2012

﻿ I was asked to support Popular Irony by submitting some of my original artwork, so whatever, here it is. I just finished three paintings and they are still wet. I hope you can handle true feminine beauty and appreciate my commentary on equality and social taboo.

My name is D. Mona Darque, and I have been perfecting my unique medium for seven years now, and I specialize in a genre of feminist expression known as "vagino-phallic inequity rage art". I paint using only the menstrual blood collected from my diva cup, which is a reusable feminine product. I am able to get different hues and degrees of darkness by aging the blood. Please experience my recent creations, as I am sure they will help you achieve greater enlightenment, particularly if you are a non-female (I do not use the gender name because of it's destructive history as a word of power domination).

This is a painting I call "Celestial Womb-Birth". It is representative of the creation theory that the great void before time was an endless vagina, a vacuum that spewed forth the planets, stars, and galaxies in one violent and bloody convulsion that we know as the big bang. The painting reminds the viewer about nature's feud with womankind, as it demands a painful martyrdom to further humanity.

I call this piece "The Power of NO!". My inspiration was the many tales of violent female revolution, particularly Lorena Bobbit's story. Back in June of 1993 she ended a cycle of domination and rape by attacking her husband's power center, the penis, and severed it while he slept. After discarding it out of a car window, it was recovered and reattached. Sweet vindication was complete when she was found not guilty of any crime, reminiscent of Nat Turner's slave rebellion.

The last painting tonight is called "A Beautiful Shame". This is a condemnation of the social taboos about female biology in all non-female dominated cultures. The titles of "unclean" or "graphic" given to menstruation, birth, and nursing. Indeed the burden of lifemaking is marginalized under a degrading label perpetrated by the non-females that remain envious of creation.

Love, glory, and wonder be to all who appreciate the Mother. Contempt, suffering, and loss be to those that oppose Her.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Editor's note: Prof. Ted Gunderson is a world renowned Cryptozoologist, cuisinier, huntsman, fundamentalist christian and vitriolic Republican. His journal of political thought and mythical cuisine is published out of his garage.

Burns, OR - You can imagine the stunned, dumb-fucked expression on my face when I made the discovery. I have spent many a wasted decade pursuing the unknown, dipping my bits in the undiscovered, forcefully plunging waste deep into that which is Cryptid. After countless expeditions I have very little to show for my life's work. Until now fuckers! Who'da thunk that all I had to do validate my career was to meticulously peer at my own hairy groin.

Recently, I have been plagued by a painfully itchy crotch. No silverware scrape or creamy lotion could soothe my inflamed pubis. Fearing that my constant port-o-potty visits exposed me to an especially virulent form of crabs, I equipped my magnifying glass and began my investigation.

Much to my surprise, after many hours of pube-peeping, I spotted something strange. In the corner of my magnifying glass, I saw something deftly hide behind a tuft of hairs. Thinking I had finally spotted my quarry, I equipped my Crab Grabbers (tweezers) and pulled aside the concealing hairs. Behind my magnified bits of bush was a creature of legend, the Crotch-Squatch (Paranthropus Pubis). The tiny cousin of the great Sasquatch.

The Crotch-Squatch (Paranthropus Pubis)

The beast, knowing it was cornered and hoping to appease my hungry tweezers, gave me a friendly wave. Amazed, I waved back. How long has this majestic creature roamed my groin? Are there more of them? The Crotch-Squatch is the most rare and illusive of all the sasquatches. I now consider the thick tufts of hair surrounding my meaty genitals a private nature preserve. I will do whatever it takes to protect and care for the Crotch-Squatch and his possible kin.

Every morning I smear my genitals in pine tar and banana puree. I rinse my naughty bits in only the purest mountain spring water.The last time I spotted my pubic pal, his belly was jolly and he was gleefully dining on stringy glops of pine tar and banana mash from my short and curlys.

I will continue to be a good loin landlord to my tiny friend. I will observe him in his natural habitat and record his actions in my "Journal of the Unknown". It's chock full of crazy shit. I will tolerate the constant pelvic irritation for the good of the species.......... Oooooohhhh..... I think he is digging for "roots" again. That is not a pleasant sensation.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I live and work in a very large city and over the years I have stopped paying attention to all the human drama around me. When I first moved here I was shocked to see the homeless defecating in the street, or a prostitute peddling her ass down the boulevard. But now I find myself walking with my head down, avoiding the world around me.

Every day I walk the same route to and from the bus stop, and every day I see the same man begging for change. This man sticks out from the crowd of unfortunate street dwellers though, as he always has his old, gray dog with him. It is some kind of ratty german shepherd mix with milky eyes and missing teeth. The man sits at the same street corner ever day with a sign that says "I can take care of myself, but need $1.84 for a can of dog food. God bless."

From what I can tell he begs for enough money to feed his dog everyday, then scavenges for his own meal. This little daily demonstration of humanity really touched me, the way this homeless man had too much pride to beg for himself but gladly did so to make sure his dog didn't go hungry. I couldn't help but respect this man that placed his commitment to his dog above all else, even his own comfort and livelihood.

So I started buying extra cans of dog food to bring to the man every so often. He was always very gracious, and even offered to give me the change he had gathered so far in return. Once a week for the last two years I was giving this man some dog food, and I have to admit, it had been making me feel much better about myself. But there was something bothering me. The old man seemed to be getting noticeably heavier while the dog remained emaciated and sickly. For some reason I became obsessed with the idea that the beggar was letting the dog wither away on scraps and eating the dog food himself. It might seem crazy, but this idea really bothered me for some time and was keeping me up at night.

I decided to get tot the bottom of it, so I began spying on the man. I would give him some dog food and pretend to go to work, then secretly follow him. But each time he would gather his belongings and shuffle off to a plywood shanty that he remained in for the rest of the day. But I had a plan to figure it out once and for all, and quickly put it to action.

The following week I prepared a special arsenic-laced batch of dog food and graciously gave it the way I had been for some time. I'll be damned if the next day that dog wasn't in the exact spot that the old beggar sat in for the last several years. I guess that bastard had been swindling me from the beginning.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Hi, welcome to marvelous planet Gallifrey! Home of the Time Lords. I see that you have heard of us. We are kinda a big deal in the universe. I'm sure you've heard of The Doctor and his evil opponent The Master? Of course you have... Who in the universe hasn't? They are both Time Lords, just like me.

Who am I? Uhh ... huh huh... that's not important, I'm a Time Lord! One of the Motherfucking masters of Time and Space! Yeah that's right! ..... No really, it's not important..... Fine! I'm called The Janitor. Don't fucking laugh at me!! Everybody laughs at me! I'm not even a Janitor, I'm a fucking cab driver, it's just what I'm called.... The Doctor isn't actually a doctor, you know.....

Please stop laughing... This is fucking awkward. Well welcome to Gallifrey now please fuck off, Get out of my cab! ..... Oh sure, now you apologize. Well fine, apology accepted. Now where can I take you? The Citadel of the Time Lords? The Tomb of Rassilon? Wait, don't tell me.. The Time Vortex? HA! I knew it, the first thing almost all tourists do is go to the Time Vortex. I would not recommend staring that thing though, that shit will fuck your day. My cousin, The Optometrist, stared into it for like an hour once, he passed out and crapped his pants. He has not been the same since, with all the drooling and the poop eating......

What about me?? Well I grew up on Gallifrey of course. I've had quite a few of my own regenerations. Whats a Regeneration? You know, when a Time Lord dies, we can regenerate into a new body. We don't really know what we are going to get but it works out well for most people.... most people.

My first!? Ha, well, when I was born I was quite the runt, well at least my head was. I was bullied a lot, people would call me nasty things like, Tiny Head and and... Small Head. It was awful. What did I do for a living? Well I was a cab driver of course..... What else would I do. Look, here is a picture of me in front of the Citadel of the Time Lords, in my birth body. I take a picture there with every regeneration. It's quite beautiful.... Yes, I know.. I just told you I had a tiny head!

Birth Body

After that? Well, in my first body I ate some bad Sontaran oysters and died of organ failure. When I regenerated I think my body tried to compensate for my tiny head. My next form had a huge fucking noggin with nasty piggy tails growing out of the top. It was fucked up. I always wore hats to cover those disgusting, reeking, piggy tails. See here a picture. Why am I always wearing the same shirt? I like that fucking shirt. I can't just change my wardrobe with every regeneration. I don't live on a "Doctor's" salary.

1st Regeneration

You'd think I learned my lesson with tiny head, but no. Again bad Sontaran oysters ended piggy head. I am so fucking stupid sometimes. But when you eat them and they don't kill you, they are fucking delicious. So then I regenerated into a woman. Now that almost never happens, it's like one in a billion and if you laugh at me one more time I am going to make your ass into a Tardis, making it much bigger on the inside...... with my fist.

Now I wasn't just any woman. I was an ugly, ugly woman with a severe speech impediment. That existence was rough. I constantly suffered from "phantom dick syndrome". I was still attracted to woman but no other Gallifreyan chicks wanted to "dyke out". Here is a picture of me as her, please don't laugh.................... Don't fucking laugh at me!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I think I may have gotten involved in a situation that is going to be difficult to get out of. Hopefully you can help, because I have exhausted my imagination trying to resolve this. You see, I am a male web programmer with a job in the most desirable company in the region and I fear I might lose my job if I am not careful.

This last holiday season I attended the company christmas party and got rather intoxicated. The next day I awoke in a female coworker's bed. Now this is problematic for me because our company is openly against office romance and could easily fire the both of us, but it is also awkward because she was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has a pretty bleak future according to the doctors.

She is a really great girl in all aspects, but I am not prepared to deal with her progressing illness and probable death. And I am pretty sure the rest of the office either already knows or is suspicious about the situation. How can I break off a future relationship without being a total jerk about it?

Desperate in Dallas

Dear Desperate in Dallas,

Ending a relationship, regardless of how brief it may be, can be a tricky situation even in the best of circumstances. And at worst it can be a life-shattering experience. Add in a possibly fatal illness and you may be looking at an explosive situation. But fear not, faithful reader! Popular Irony is here to give you a guiding hand through the minefield.

Now we must first look at your problem with the right eyes, and we see that it is not as bad as it sounds. Your one-time lover is already terminally ill, so one way or another this relationship is ending soon. But on the scale of bad news "I don't want to go out with you" is not even in the same ballpark as "you are going to die soon". So get over yourself and break up with her immediately. I think she can handle your rejection.

Your bigger problem is in mitigating damage to your office image, which will almost certainly take a hit if everyone finds out you banged the dying girl and then told her to fuck off. But I have a perfect excuse. If confronted with accusations of misconduct you can always explain that after the office party she approached you with a proposition that you could not refuse. Sex with you was on her bucket list, and you were operating within the guidelines of the "Make A Wish Foundation". And after performing your philanthropic duty she was insistent on continuing the relationship despite your agreed upon arrangement, but were not willing to comply because your heart belongs to another. She just couldn't understand.

This outcome has several benefits. Firstly, the nature of the story is so sensitive that no one would ever recount it to your one-night-stand to verify it. Secondly, the chance of being fired for this are zero, and if your immediate superior is a man you may even receive a promotion. And you don't have to watch her slowly wither away and die in misery. Good luck.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Making delicious and exotic homemade meals is cheap and easy, and presents a great opportunity to express some creativity. But you have to know the secret to putting a personal spin on your flavor creations. That secret is condiments. Always restock your condiment selection and you will never find yourself in need of diverse and exciting food.

Tonight we will be dining on another of my personal creations, Noodles 'N Shump. You will need to have the following:

1 package ramen noodles (any flavor)

3 tablespoons ranch dressing

3 tablespoons barbecue sauce

1 tablespoon honey

1 tablespoon horseradish (hot)

Start by boiling the ramen as indicated, saving the flavor packet for a later step. After cooking is complete, drain and let cool (Noodles 'N Shump is served at room temperature).

Using the the cooking pot, add the three tablespoons of ranch dressing. Take a few moments to enjoy the viscous dripping of this fine, milky gravy. You earned it. No need to mix it just yet, we have more pretty colors to add!

Next add an equal amount, three tablespoons, of your favorite barbecue sauce. Look at the beautiful contrast of the mahogany bbq with the creamy goodness! If you are a man and are in public right now you may want to cover up. You probably have an erection.

Ooh baby, look at that thick, sweet honey! One tablespoon of that delicious insect ooze is going to bring the tangy factor on that barbecue sauce to overload! Resist the urge to smash your face into the unfinished dish and mouth-fuck it to oblivion. There is still more tasty on the way!

A big, heaping tablespoon of extra spicy horseradish will really separate the men from the boys. A single whiff of this stuff would cause a six year old boy's testicles to drop so fast they would splatter like a shotgun blast down his legs. You'll wish someone would bottle this stench.

Here's the first big payoff, the hand mixing. Get your mitts wrist-deep in that bitch. Don't be shy. Get it all over. Ten dollars bets you lick your hands clean before you make it to the faucet to wash them off.

Get that pile of mess into a bowl, we are almost done. Go grab that packet of flavor seasoning that you grabbed out of the ramen package. Pour it liberally over the top of your pile, seasoning to taste.

Garnish as you wish, be it for a romantic dinner for two, or just a self indulgence for the gourmet in all of us. Pictured is my favorite garnish, just half an onion with a toothpick. I ate mine with all the tenacity of a testosterone-injected wood badger.

This particular batch disagreed with me, and alas, I lost the meal. I am sure this was an isolated incident and should in no way negatively impact your willingness to try the recipe yourself. (Note the pubic hair lining the toilet bowl. You're welcome.)

Monday, February 13, 2012

Hey Friend! Do you want to listen to some songs my friends and I made in high school on a 4-Track??!! You don't!?? Why not? You'll really enjoy it, I promise. This song was recorded one evening when we were all drunk and making up shitty metal songs. Good times. My great, big brother and Sir Chapsworth are singing...... like angels. It's called Wild Berry Zinger because the lyrics were read off of a box of delicious Celestial Seasonings Wild Berry Zinger Hot Tea.

And if you like that one, I have lots more awesome 4-Track songs from 17 years ago. Sit down and listen, I'll get the cassette deck. No, seriously, sit down and listen, it won't take long and you will enjoy it.... You... Will.... Enjoy it.... SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The cause and the place of its death became not immediately well known.

Death became not immediately well known.

In accordance with its official websites, Houston, that fought with drug needing in the course of the years, sold more than 170 million albums, lifts out and receives over its occupation.

Fought with drug needing.

Houston was set to appear this year "Twinkling", a remake of the 1976 blow that was been based loosely on the story by The Colonels. It was its first film roll since '1996's "The Wife of The Preacher".

1996's "The Wife of The Preacher".

Your collection of the works closes seven straight 1 blow in the '1980's, including a "Saving My Entire Love For You," "The Largest love of All" and "Where Broken Heart Power, Going". Attack chalkboard places its Soundtrack to the film "The Bodyguard" as one of the uppermost 10 most largely albums of all times. It had the leading role also in the film.

It had the leading role also in the film.

Whitney the daughter of singer Cissy Houston, was born on the 9th of August 1963, in Newark, New Jersey. Famous music producer Clive Davis Houston discovered nominally 20 years later in a New York nightclub, signing it at place and place, in accordance with its websites.

Newark, New Jersey.

The reproduction of the singer of the national anthem at the 1991 excessive bowl, days in the first Persian gulf war, earned parties and has consolidates its place in the American musical landscape.

National anthem at the 1991 excessive bowl.

After "The Bodyguards," Houston are appear gone on into yet several films in the 1990, inclusive to years to "Breath Out Waiting".

"Breath Out Waiting".

In 2000, Houston earned its Grammy sixth for the best feminine R&B achievements and, a month later, was named it feminine artist of the decade at the "Soul Train" music honors.

Feminine artist of the decade.

Your occupation held out however in following years when it registered rehabilitation for s such problem.

Rehabilitation for s such problem.

Houston aid received in May 2011 for it much published battle with drugs and alcohol, said its representative at present.

Battle with drugs and alcohol.

In a 2009 interview with Oprah Winfrey, Houston called back how its mother arrived one day at its threshold at the house of its daughter with the officer of sheriff, and a court organizes in a drug interference on. It discussed cocaine and smoke marihuana.

It discussed cocaine and smoke marihuana.

"(My mother) says, have said 'I a court (judicial decree) here, "Houston. "either you make it my way, or we become not only this generally make. We will go on both television sets, and you will retire'."

We will go on both television sets, and you will retire.

Houston has a highly profile and tumultuous marriage with Bobby Brown, a star former "New Edition" had, that multiple brushes with the law had. The couple appeared is together in the middle 2000 on the reality show "Bobby Brown" to years.