Sunday, April 11, 2010

You Must Romance The Wax On To The Board

By Guest Goldminer Enrique.

My God? What are you doing? Take your hands off that pristine new surfboard this very moment! Stand back, and give the wax to Enrique.

My accent intrigues you. I can tell. No-one knows where Enrique is from, not even Enrique. There is certainly italian in his husky voice, there may well be some french, and perhaps some russian. All you need to know is that Enrique is a citizen of the globe, and Enrique speaks the international langauge of love.

Now, this wax you use, I spit on it... Enrique is seething with rage.

Why do you insult this princess of a surfboard with such tacky muck.

Here, a gift, not for you, for her. A precious ingot of wax made for the candles of the shrine of Casanova himself, smuggled to Persia by a virginal Joan of Arc, and perfumed under the pillow of the slightly less virginal Queen Of Sheba. Is the finest wax in the world, and your surfboard, she deserves nothing less than such a gift, no?

Never forget my friend, that a new board, she is like a beautiful woman, and applying the base coat of wax is like making love to her for the first time.

Let Enrique ask you, my clueless chump of a friend: when you make love, do you start jackhammering immediately once the helmet has stormed the barricades as fast as your pasty anglo saxon buttocks can clench and release?

No, Of course not, for it is obvious to Enrique that even one as inept in the art of love as yourself will know to begin slowly.

Let Enrique tell you something: When it comes to love, Rule number one, make as little physical contact as you can, for the first half hour. Only undressing, admiring, the lightest of caresses. Maybe a little singing if Enrique is feeling in voice. You may only engage in the stink-finger after 40 minutes or so.

So too it must be with your new surfboard. Run the back of your hands lightly along the rails. If you had Enrique's silky locks your hair could cascade over her driving her crazy, but alas, you most certainly do not have Enrique's midnight black mane.

And set the mood for christ's sake: Some candles and music: Enrique does his best work to George Benson, Kenny G, Foreigner “I want to know what love is.... I want you to show me...." Enrique is in fine voice uh?

Now, to begin the waxing. Like this. long, slow circular motions. Light as a feather, as if you do not care if any wax transfers on to the deck. Sometimes a little faster, sometimes a little slower, talking softly, complimenting her on her rails, the subtle single to double concave, give her your word that you will screw her fcs fins in tightly but not too tightly.

If she has only recently been glassed you will need to be extra gentle, for she is a delicate flower.

So, take your time with the long, the slow, the circular motions, and look! slowly, gradually the first beads of traction appear on the deck. at this moment, it's tempting for a monkey unschooled in the art of love as yourself to speed up, but no, slow, slowly, gently, aaaaaahhhhhhh....

After an hour of this, your princess is ready, and if the conditions are favorable, she will be surfed for the first time. Good luck my friend, I believe you can do justice to such a beautiful creation.

What's that? How does one approach the next wax job on the same board once she has been broken in? Maybe with a compression dent where you place your knee to assist with the duckdiving?

Now that is a different matter altogether my friend. Once you have romanced the base coat of wax onto a board, well, put it this way, your board is still a beautiful woman, but now it is the type you can hit doggy style in the toilets at a party.

2 comments:

Enrique reckons if you don't appreciate his tips on love you can go fuck yourself. I told him it was inappropriate to say such a thing and he should rise above it, but he was adamant. What's a man 'suppose' to do?