A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home.
He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'

Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home.
He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'

One Day in the Garden of Eden, God came to Adam and said; "Adam I have made something wonderful for you, the best yet."

Adam replied; "Wow what could be better then all this" pointing around the garden.

God told Adam, "What I have made is soft, yet nearly indestructable. It smells great, and has a soft voice, much softer than yours. I call this one 'Woman'.

She is gentle, and kind. She will be the hardest worker you have even seen. She will be your loyal companion, never complaining, always helping you. She will cook for you, clean for you, and take care of all your physical needs, daily. And she will do all this, without being asked."

Adam responded; "WOW, that sounds like it cost alot."

God said; "It does, it cost an arm and a leg."

Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

and the rest is history........

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As My Memory fails ...

An 80 year old couple were watching TV one night. The old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen. You want anything?"

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Your memories not so good anymore. Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember a simple thing like that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. And I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment then says, "You forgot my toast."

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These came from a little book called "101 Fast & Funny Food Jokes". Some of them are pretty corny (no pun intended); but some are kinda cute. I thought I'd share a few of them with you as they have to do with food and are especially good for the KIDDIES ...

1 -- What kind of food luvs money? ... A DOUGH-nut!

2 -- What did the hamburger say to the pickle? ... You are DILL-icious!

3 -- What kind of jokes do veggies like best? ... CORNEY ones, of course!

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."