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Strange advertisements you don't see every day

Wednesday, May 3, 2017 - 21:35

Here we are, May again, the buzzing of the may-bees all around. Time flies, as Mozart used to be – all over in two minuets. When I give an order, act like lightning, said the sergeant, so we set fire to a tree.

So what has Digger found this month? Some strange advertisements in local shops. “Tailor-Made Dog Food”, said one. Yes, Digger has known dogs who chew clothes – and shoes – and hats.

If someone complained, the owner would say, Oh, so that’s your hat he chewed. (What do you mean, you don’t get it? Say it quickly in a Cockney accent.)

“Rotating Grass Cutters”, said the next. What do you do, chase the lawn round in circles?

And then “Make Your Carpets Smell of Lemons”. No, Digger guarantees that is genuine. Why on earth would you want to? How would you know unless you were lying on the floor? Perhaps it is to stop the dog chewing them?

Of course, Up North they have alleyways called snickets, which are often lemony. In Norfolk we call them lokes; in Sussex they are twittens, which are also small cats of limited intelligence.

Following last month, when restaurants in Spain were discussed, Digger was reminded of a café at Azincourt (which used to be Agincourt), which had a version of the menu for English visitors that began with “Outworks” (literal translation of hors d’oeuvres, you see) and ended with Grenades in Syrup (for pineapples). Again, Digger kids you not.

But Digger’s favourite is the little roadhouse in the north African desert that serves up “chickens roasted in spit”. Mouth-watering, as they say.

Now, more about the new lost property rules. If you find a bicycle you must tell the police; then if they say it is not stolen you should tell Broadland District Council (Environmental Department). But you must not take it home or they will not collect it, and you will end up having to swap it for an old bath or something.

Duffer of a spring heralds pilgrimage

Monday, April 24, 2017 - 22:53

April is here, “Aprill, with his shoures soote”, as Chaucer put it; and Digger gathers that some residents near the cemeteries have been complaining that the showers are too sooty.

Well, we cannot compete with the standards of Oldham and Wednesbury, but they have more practice with sooty showers every day except one day a year.

Chaucer also said that April is the time when people go on pilgrimages, and it is indeed the beginning of the holiday season already.

Le Bossu Manqué is heading back to Marseilles, this year going via Seville. where he insists an aunt of his keep a restaurant by the town wall – Aunty Pasta he calls her; a Bizet little place, he says, but Carmen see for yourself. He is taking his cat with him in line with the ancient adage Ubi puss, ibi evacua – where you have a cat, take it away with you.

Digger used to have relatives on the Mediterranean too: one in Monaco was rich, having made his fortune in lending money at extortionate interest to men who had lost all of theirs in the casino. He was the original man who banked the broke at Monte Carlo.

Since the reopening of a certain hostelry in Reepham there have been reports of lions and unicorns knocking on doors and demanding pieces of cake.

“Some gave them white bread, And some gave them brown” and in our town they could get black bread as well, or at least toast, but we will not say more about that.

Now then, how many of you know that the road that connects Whitwell Street with Mill Road halfway along is officially called Duffers Lane? Duffer was a name for a smuggler; and we have a Smugglers Lane, too.

Such names were used for ancient roads that avoided the towns that grew up later; so one could make a good case for a smuggling route down the footpath from Cawston Lane on the crest, up Whitwell Street and Duffers Lane, Broomhill Lane to Smugglers Lane and on, avoiding the police in Reepham, which was harder to do in those days.