Saturday, September 29, 2007

Well Guess WHAT! I got rear ended on Friday morning on my way to work. Yes! IT is me Against the World now!!! Bring it on bitches. Maybe it is time for me to pick a faith, Jesus Mary Buddha Santa Clause Eastern Bunny, help me!!!

Luckily, there was no damage. I am now just screaming at people who crash into me and they seem to be either confused or just intimidated. They probably didn't really talk to me all that much because I appeared to be psycho.

Friday went fairly quickly because I had a company outing thing. We went to a really nice park and had fried chicken, fries, coke, and pies. I had the first 3 items and they were so good. I haven't had any of those for a freaking long time. Fat does taste better!

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Worked out super hard with my cute trainer and had good time just being stupid and really working hard. I bought Muscle Milk according to his advice and I hope this shit can pack me additional 20 lbs so I can whore myself around much easier.

After working out I went to Jumba Juice and Vitamin World and on my way out I started talking to this old guy. Then we just had a conversation for 30 mins on the street like that. He wasn't going to ask me to have sex with him for money. No, I wish since I kinda need extra money for my insurance but that wasn't the case. Instead we just talked about working out, career path and a bit economy and China. I know boring shit. However, it was pretty interesting and it was a very genuine event. I think it was genuine because we just had a conversation that went really well. We had something in common to share. Some subjective social observation if you will. I don't think people do this kinda things anymore, much less in L.A. at least. So that was kinda interesting and random. I enjoyed it anyway.

---Ok the following is the boring stuff, so please skip if you really have nothing else to do, like jackoff and stuff you know.

Came home for dinner and mom said that she went to this very unique restaurant in China last week. China has 1.6 billion people and they are known for their food. So in order to stand out in China in the eatery business you really have to be creative nowadays thus we have all these themed restaurants. That seems to be all the rage nowadays. The one that she went to feature the theme from the 1960s during the 10 years long Culture Revolution of the Mao's years.

For those of you who have no idea about that (or history in general for that matter, lol just kidding), it was a tough time for anyone to endure. The country went through this social, cultural and political movement that shook every single individual's world. People became crazy and the whole general environment had a striking resemblance of the novel "1984". Though it was the toughest 10 years that many many Chinese endured. A lot of memories, the good or the bad still linger. People simply cannot forget that. Quoting from the promo slogan for the new PBS WWII documentary "The War", "It is impossible and immoral to forget that". People from my parents' generation sure cannot forget but the horror, chaos, and revolution that forever changed 1 billion people have lost its power in our generation. It past on as stories, legends and eventuall became myths. That is how we could have this Cultural Revolution themed restaurant. People are singing and dancing in the fashion that you could only find during that time. They wore the Mao outfit. The restaurants were covered in broken bricks and fliers printed in cheap colored paper. Instead of being chaotic and horrifying, it was surprisingly festival for the patrons. The restaurant is a hit in Beijing, the capital of China and people had to make reservation at least a day prior to their visit.

My mom said the show was great and it was unique. However, I just felt kinda bad. It is one thing that you have enough heart and humor to look at the sad and tragic pasts with a comical approach. It is however kinda offensive to capitalize it on a surface level for the shear shocking value. I mean it is perfectly fine here, I mean it is the America, people only react to shocks now. But in a country, which is still young at its modern development of entertainment business, it is kinda disturbing that they already went there. It is like you make a WWII themed restaurants featuring poison gas chambers. I am sure the Jews aren't laughing.

They lost touch with reality. The restaurant is a mere ghost of the surface of that devastating past. In a way it is reinterpreting history and the current generation is even less concerned with what just went terribly wrong only 50 years ago. For people who have endured that to enjoy these is totally beyond me. AND THEY DO. I guess they haven't suffered enough or they just really want to move on. Turning a blind eye. I mean ignorance is after all the most powerful tool that one is born with. Right?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Yeah. I just have had another car accident. AND IT WAS STILL MY FAULT. All 3 car accidents that I have had so far are all my faults. This really sucks. I am averaging one financially painful accident a year. My insurance is already through the roof. Now after this one, I think the insurance will probably see Jesus first.

I stopped at a stop sign and after looking left right and left and all that I came out of the stop sign. Because it was a very crowded local street that I couldn't see there was another car coming at me. He didn't even fucking slow down. After the accident he kept saying he was slow. I am like I am sure it is slow because My fucking wheel is about to fall off.

My dad came and drove it home. But on the way home he said the wheel was really about to fall off. If that is the case, then I am totally fucked in my bank.

WHY ME~!~!~!~!~!~ I am like prone to car accident or something.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a fancy West Hollywood lounge in a gay event but now I am back home probably end up with gay porn. This really blows...

Well I hope JR you went and I hope you enjoyed it. Yeah, please enjoy it for me =/...

Monday, September 17, 2007

I just come across this animation online and it cannot be more truthful. I mean we all have said the similar things and deep down we still think it is true. But it is so easy to get caught up in the daily errands. Life is a musical in which there should be dances and music and we should live through it. Instead of living it like a straight line, a journey, or a pilgrimage. It is so true. I think I have mentioned that I started to have mid life crisis since I was 18. Now I come to think of it, it probably started when I was in elemental school. Everyone told us to keep moving up on the academic ladder. Then when we start working we should aim to get promoted and what not. Life is about reaching that idealism or that theory called success. In the beginning I guess I was having those midlife crisis because I was terrified. Everyone around me told me that should I given up on this academic themed ladder climbing game, I would end up cleaning the streets. In a society where success was mostly measured on a better materialistic living standard, people would go as far as calling teachers, workers, and anyone who depends on a salary a failure. Then people have to find their own success caliber. It is always relative. That is why there is always a higher quota that makes everyone like chinchilla on heat. Never a dull moment to fulfill that higher quota. Hoax is what Alan Watts called it.

I am ranting this isn't for random reasons. Though as pretentious as it sounds, this particular topic is actually something that is always on my mind. As I just mentioned that if my anxiety attack was from fear of failure, then my current doubts, worries, and any feeling that resembles similarities to midlife crisis are probably due to my fear of the truth. As another blogger Rishi said once to me that everyone has to choose a path in their lives. In a way, everyone's life is somewhat predetermined. Here I am going to make a broader generalization, please excuse me Rishi if this isn't what you meant all, that Free will is relative. Everything we do or don't do is related to a big part of our finance capability. For some professions, such as Rishi's, the future neuro surgeon, he seems to know exactly how much he will be making and how he is going to live his life using that money. So in order to reach that goal, he has to go through this quota. He is very successful for his age already - one of the best in his medical program in the nation. Yet it is far from over. It is a pilgrimage indeed. The road in medicine is a life long one. He spends most of the time in the lab and working his ass off. Luckily he enjoys it.

But for me, I somehow just never thought that is how life should/would be. As we were talking, I pointed out that this belief of mine was one of our fundamental differences as two individuals. Though we both went to private universities and went through intense programs in our field, I still somehow felt that he was destined to do what he does and he does it with all this passion or even rage. I do have that side of competitiveness but I just feel that when an individual lives and breathes his/her profession, he/she is being consumed by it. Somehow I just feel that life should just be something more than that.

I am worried nowadays is that I am still in my pursuit of that "successful" quota and I already know there is no end in my field. I mean for Rishi, it is to become a neuro surgeon. Then he will continue to do research. Saving people's lives, and conquer diseases what not. But even he doesn't figure out how to completely cure Parkinson's or brain cancer, he would still have this intrinsic satisfaction. But what about business? I remember I read this article in which the guys in NY financial field are complaining about 7 figure salaries. In their own words, when you are poor you always wanted to fly first class, and after 5-7 years of life draining career building, you finally can afford first class. But then you suddenly find out that real rich people fly private. I don't know because business and corporate world provides probably everything except for the feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. If there is, it would be short lived but quotas are instantly raised. If anything it makes you want more.

What if after I am 45, become that pathetic dude in this video, looking into my "accomplishment" bag and shake and shake and nothing tangible really comes out? Then I really realize that this is all just a hoax. What would I do then. Would I be able to find my life value from a partner or husband by then so I don't feel sad lonely and empty? I don't want to live in this hoax yet billions of people live through it.

I guess I like California because it gives you a chance to breath. Whenever you just walk down a beach or a very nice and quiet neighborhood, you feel you are touching life. I like that. Despite my keen interest in i-bank and money, another side of me just really wants to enjoy the sun and catch some waves for the rest of my life.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Saturday I met up with one of my old buddies and we hit up Huntington Beach for a day of relaxation. He picked me up around 11:00 and we got there 11:50am. Such a short distant I probably should go to this beach from now on. The sun was out, bright and hot. However, the wind was cold and the water was freezing. Most noticeably, the fog refused to disappear. I am not talking about some fuzziness in the air that might stop me from checking out a hot guy. I am talking about some hardcore fog. We could barely see the waves while standing on the beach. Looking at the shore, we really couldn't see the condos. I guess this is something happens often in this area since all the beach goers didn't seem to mind the fog at all. So after 1 hour sun bathing, my friend and I finally decided to go in the water. Normally I wouldn't jump in due to the sub zero temperature of the water. But I dared him to go in so now there is no going back for me. Five minutes in the water was enough for me I couldn't feel my legs and I had very short breathe. I guess this is how you would feel if one day you are in the unfortunate hypothermiascenario. Definitely horrible. We played around talked a lot and just totally enjoyed the day. The fog was enjoying it too. It came and went like it was having fun along with the beach goers. But finally it took its last bow around 2:00pm and the tanning couldn't get any better.

My buddy and I talked about season pass to Big Bear so we could go snowboard all winter long. We talked about relationship and friends and career. It was again just really relaxing and I didn't have to care what I had to say. It was refreshing for the mind. After the beach we went to this small joint nearby called "Taco Surf". I had one of the baddest burrito for a long time. That along with a very sweet and well mixed strawberry Margarita, the afternoon has never seemed to be so beautiful haha. We totally pigged out because the portion was so large. Laughed a lot, ate a lot, drank a lot, def good times.

This prompted me to tell him that I was gay. But he is in fact homophobic. This kinda scares me a bit. I do not want to lose another friend because of this and he is a really hard working, sincere guy. I guess I will just keep hanging out with him throughout the winter see where this leads us.

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This morning I had a dream. Well technically speaking, it was afternoon because I woke up at 2:00pm. In the dream I was at a small bar and people were talking, drinking, and eating. I somehow was sitting in front of the girl who outted me to her boyfriend and brother despite the fact that I specifically told her not to. I don't know why I dreamed about drinking with her because she really wasn't on mind for a long time. Then suddenly the whole bar became quiet because it was the hourly "cell phone" time. Supposedly in this short period of time, everyone could use the cell phone and call people they need to talk to and everyone should speak at a low volume so that their conversation with their friends and family can go on interrupted. Then one of my good friends back in the last semester at USC came by. She is in the i-banking business now and working in San Francisco. I was so surprised she came. We started to talk as if we were still in school. It was so nice. Then she told me, Hamilton, you really need a career change, you can do soo much more. Come on change it. Then I just woke up.

Indeed, I miss this girl from USC. She is smart, talented at what she does, and very sociable. I called her right away and we talked about this dream, career etc on the phone for a bit. Ah... I hope I can head up there soon. I need to keep these quality people in my life close. Also I had to mention that she was so sweet to ask me if I am seeing anyone and ensured me I would find the right one when I am ready. haha. so sweet.

Anyways, I am going to eat now and watch the Emmy's. One of my coworker is actually going to the Emmy's. So fancy, it is just like how my managers rocked out at the VMA. When can I roll like that????? damn.

Friday, September 14, 2007

I guess that is a bit of consolation for my little pay. As employee, we get to advance screen our products a bit earlier than the public.

A couple days ago, I invited a friend of mine and we did the advanced screening of The December Boys. It is kinda sweet, sad, and happy. It is one of those movies in which you somehow find a bit comfort and happiness out of a miserable situation. Daniel aka Harry Porter kinda broke off his cash cow/career killer role -- Harry Porter. Especially the innocent sex scenes made you forget about the asexual Harry Porter right away. My friend, who cried over SpiderMan 3 inevitably cried again. It was an independent film that was partially invested by Village Roadshow (aussie company) so you get to see a lot of aussie in it.

Overall it is a pretty good movie and I think it is interesting to see how Daniel chooses his strategy to break off his Harry Porter image. It is kinda hard considering he has two more to go. I am not a Harry Porter fan. But I have to give credits to this franchise. Apparently the 5 Harry Porter movies already established a franchise that in revenue has surpassed 6 Star Wars movies, and 22 James Bond movies. It is truly amazing how much purchase power the babies and whimsical young adults possess. Or rather, how willing their parents are to spend that much money for them.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I feel great right now. I just jacked off. Usually masturbation for gay men is like breakfast. It is something you are supposed to do everyday and we happen to skip it here and there.

Today was different. I was thinking about TH. I wanted to fuck since 8:00am on the way to work. I thought busy work would get me occupied. It indeed did but my mind had a part that was busy thinking about where he could put his cock in me all day long. So I texted him around 10am and he said he would be done with work around 6. Ok that sounds like a fuck plan right? So I was holding and controlling my sex drive all fucking day long. Precum was leaking like a faucet. Amazingly I did all my work fast regardless.

I held my urge, did my roadside 30 mins nap in Pasadena. Then I fought off the urge to head straight to his place, I went to the gym and worked out with unsurpassed efficiency. I mean in a hour I felt dizzy and buff. So that is good enough. When I got into the parking lot I immediately made a phone call. Didn't pick up. 3 calls later I felt desperate. I thought about just dropping by his place. Then the better educated part of me defeated the beast. I will not be that guy who shows up uninvited for a cock. That is just cheap. So I decided to go home jackoff and grab dinner with a friend.

Now the whole day worth of frustration and tension has been released. I have never felt better before. However, I do feel a bit depressed because I wanted sex. oh wellz...

On another note, I think all the conservative religious farts should start having sex with someone. Apparently their wives aren't doing their the favors so maybe they should start fucking each other. Then they would be much happier and stop demonizing other people.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It is so funny because you can't make this shit up. This video has circulated on the interweb for a while now. But just watch Chris Matthew's reaction after Closet Larry's naughty boy comment. I still burst into laughters. I mean his expression just just priceless.

The daddy of all bomb is here. Introduced by the Russians. Would you look at that orange glow, so pretty.

You would think that the military competition should be all macho and very grown up. But the names they came up with were just such childish rubbish. We, U.S., introduced the "mother of all bombs", and of course the Russians will have something called "dad of all bombs." I am sure the next generation would be the granddaddy of all bombs. Where are they going from there? I think they should totally compare penis sizes too.

This is how the adorable Russians described their bombs,

"dad of all bombs is four times more powerful than the U.S. "mother of all bombs."

Oh yeah that is so tough, I am so beating you. My dad is four times more powerful than your moms. Of course that is not good enough, he continued on,

"Unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn't hurt the environment. "

Yeah I am so fucking thrilled that your normal bombs are reaching nuclear weapon capability and at the same time remain Eco friendly. I am sure the human race is all rejoicing now. We can finally not leave abnormal ugly babies due to radiation after million death bomb wars. Hallelujah! Praise the lord! omg jeebus.

I had a very long conversation today with Rishi from MSTP Bound over msn. As a matter of fact, I just finished with him. So it'd be totally boring for me to completely reiterate the whole thing. But all in all, I feel that we as people are MUCH less tolerant to others nowadays.

The reason we even had this long conversation is because I truly feel bad for Britney Spears. Yeah criticize all you want. I am sure even without fame, money and working since 13 years old, you are probably catastrophically fucked up in your life one point and another. Also, since your parents aren't exactly like Britney, who has fame and money and started working since 13, they know that due to their pathetic 401k and your fucked up instincts, you probably can't afford doing the same grave mistake twice. Actually, they know better. When they see a hint of fucked-up-ness when you beat your friend with a bat because of he stole your sandwich, they do everything in their power, religion, guilty, brutality, or for Paris Hilton's case, no more Bentley, to stop that pattern from developing. But as we can see, money usually fucks that plan up too. I mean look at Paris, she is just lovely too. So your poor parents really know exactly where you are going the first time you swallowed your goldfish, so they punish you royally. You, like a little bitch, one way and another, suddenly have a taste of life and responsibility. Or, better, they disown you. I mean usually Americans breed like crazy, especially in California, I am sure they have the leverage to disown one or two if the kids are just too fucked in the head. I mean you are a total liability and not mentioning your unpaid emotional distress. Disowning you would be probably one of their best things they have done in their lives since they aborted your other siblings when their party nights became a big mistake. See parents fuck up too. Anyways, once you are gone, all they have is written-off liabilities and you become someone else's problem.

But Britney couldn't be. She earns millions. As matter of fact, before her down fall, her estate is estimated to be around 100 million at tender age of 21. Let's not say 100 million. I am sure a shit load of you would just whore your whole family out, one way or another, to get that 10 million. That, my friend makes you 10 times more of what you considered to be a total disaster.

She couldn't know better. Starting beauty pageant and working since 13, all she is now is a grown up woman with 2 kids but who is really still at her 15 year old mentality. Her short life as she knows it has been nothing but success. Her family and the industry, also the general public lived through her success, earning billions of dollars. Now she is a fallen starlet and the society is still milking her out.

I am not saying she takes no blame for it at all but I just don't think most of the Americans could have done it better if it was them in her shoes. Remember she was the first tween stars reaching super stardom. Basically SHE is the handbook for the next generation stars who happen to be less of a fuck up.

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I am actually not writing this for Britney, interestingly enough considering I have been talking about her so much. Well I, regardless of being indifferent to her success, suddenly felt sympathetic. I sincerely feel bad for her as I watched her disastrous performance. Her face would be crying if it could. Even she kinda realized that all is over after it was finished.

I had a lot of obstacles growing up, I mean being gay is just one of the many and in certain extend it is not the hardest thing in my life actually. So after all this, I TRULY think that pity, sympathy, or the very least, the ability to be non judgemental AT TIMES is really a virtue in today's society. I feel that at least at this moment, pity is really a fine form of humanity. As soon as you feel bad for something with flaws, that is exactly when your soul starts to make you different from an animal. Human emotions, are probably the only inexhaustible source in this world. It does run out only when we choose to. However, I think in general, if we all just keep an open mind, and shows some pity to people who are in unfortunate situations, I really think the world can be MUCH better. It is like no brainer you know. But also, you know karma has its ways.

Anyways, enough ranting tonight. Fuck it I still like the new song by Britney. I am gay what can I say.

Monday, September 10, 2007

My blog has been pretty pg-13. The reason is well one, I practice abstinent. Ok just kidding. Well I do not have all that many encounters, and second even when I do, I somehow find it extremely tiring and boring to write a sexual encounter. Also, when it comes to sex, I prefer to do it instead of writing about it. I mean what would you write down?

"oh yeah bitch that is how I like it.'

"UHHHHHHYEAHHHH"

"I AM CUMING".

How fucking dumb and tacky that is.

So I guess everything is a bit less interesting when there is no sex.

Another reason is that I never had a real relationship. You know, boyfriend, husband or fuck buddy or w/e. I did have some flings but I really do not know how I would want to categorize them even till today. I tried to write some of it but everytime when I sit in front of my computer, I find myself speechless. Sex, relationship, and encounters could be awkward as it is in real life, and now I am about to add boredom and dullness on top of it and replay the whole thing in deadly uninteresting fashion on my blog. Usually I just get rid of them after the first paragraph.

But then I do feel like mentioning them because I always wanted to have a little black book in which I record all my fuck experiences in detail. I mean the black book is already setup and I am just not sure why I am not putting my memories up on the blog.

Anyways, I guess I will start to just simply record for my own memory's sake. I am pretty sure I still cannot record graphic details for those aforementioned reasons.

Today's encounter was a white dude, age 30. He lives in Pasadena, and let's call him TH. T stands for his name and H stands for hookup. Anyways, we started talking online and he had a very beefy and muscular body, a bit hairy too. Definitely something that I never had before. So quickly we setup the time/location and I drove up to his apt. He had a dog named Skippy. How cute. The sex was o.k. I can't blame them because for one I haven't bottomed all that much so that my ass is extremely tight -_-... I need to find a regular so my ass would adapt to this kind of fucking. I sometimes do envy woman. Their vagina is such a ingenious design by nature.. ok I guess that was kinda gross... So the actual anal sex wasn't so long but I definitely had my way with his cock using my mouth. I don't know, I just like oral a lot. He was gentle actually and I liked that.

After fucking we did a brief talk and then I found out that he was actually a construction worker. No wonder the beefiness. It is very pornolicious but I am not sure if that is where I want to direct my fucking pattern in the future... Anyways I might call him again to practice.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

One of my good blogger friend's real identity has just been revealed on his very own blog. His name was plastered in a comment section. Of course my friend is not amused by this and feels threatened. Now his blog turned into temporary invitation only mode. We talked about it and together we think it is not as critical as he think since 1. he is already openly gay to both his family and friends, 2. he is not talking about bad things about people on his blog. Since he writes because he wants to, there is no reason for his writing style to suddenly change. His currently blog is very innocent as it is. I mean yes there is sex encounter entries but what would other people say regarding that? Nothing. So he is probably going to unlock it soon.

The problem is that even though no damage has been done, it is still irritating that someone who knows you is peeking through a window and see your life unravels whereas you can't even peek back. I guess that could be very upsetting. I suggested my friend to confront him/her on an ethical level in the same comment section and then keep the blog open for a while see what will happen.

Now I am wondering what would I do if this happens to me. I am in the financial field and things like this could be career damaging. I mean it has happened before so I should be extra careful. Should it happen, should I just go privated you know back to the closet? or should I just not care. Or maybe give up on blogging?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

they have nothing in common, but my mom had a major Jessica Simpsons moment today.

I told my mom a couple weeks ago that I wanted to eat some canned tuna for my protein intake. Her first visit to the market didn't bring back anything. She said the market didn't carry canned tuna. I was like, well that is strange how can a market not to carry tuna. But w/e, I am not in a dare need of eating canned tuna.

Today she came back with Chunky Tuna. I am like oh yeah this is it. She then said,

"Well this is the only brand I could find. I searched isle by isle. There were lots other similar cans, but it says Chicken on them, So i wasn't sure if I should buy them."

I was like, dear lord... I mean she is an immigrant so she doesn't know w/e. But the fact that she said it just like Jessica did on the TV was priceless. I had to explained it to her that it is called Chicken of the Sea is because it is nutritious and common like Chicken, but of the sea. She is like oh... that is why, but it is so stupid... I am like hmm you are kinda right. haha.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Post coming out to my mom has been amazing. The second day was just as painful though. She still looked devastated and we would cry as soon as the quietness reoccupy the room. It is even harder because we had to hide it from my dad. She said some even more hurtful things such as "I wish I never had you so wouldn't suffer though this abomination" or "how about we die together." Yes she did go there. I kept my cool and focused on the ball. The key was to keep talking to her. I wouldn't leave a single moment and let her mind go wild on its own. I had to drag her out of that self loathing spiral and make her understand that it is MY life and MY issue to deal with. She needed to stop worrying for me (at least for the wrong reasons), and she needed to stop mentally enslaving herself to become a victim. She has been an incredibly strong woman and she has been trying to keep an open mind. As soon as she started talking, I knew it was going to be a good journey from there and on.

I was absolutely right, after 3 days of constant communication she has already made almost an 180 degrees turn. Even though she still wanted me to try girls and allegedly a nerd is coming from Australia and she wants me to see her (my eyes have rolled to the back of my confused brain), she and I are very clear that my attraction to guys is way more compared to girls and she really know that most likely I would end up with a guy.

I think it was three days ago that she told me she read an article about a Chinese guy coming out to his parents. Her mom's reaction was the same. The family was just like our family which has been very traditional and they maintained a healthy environment since the kid was little. In the article, the gay dude made his mom a grandma in 5 years. So after my mom read it, her comments were "I guess things work out, it might not be so bad." Even though I could tell that it wasn't something that she originally planned but after literally days of communication, along with her own tremendous effort, her view and her hopes started to transform. As I told her, since we are living in this world, we are already the lucky ones. Look at the brighter side of all things and life will move along much better. People really don't appreciate or understand this until they encounter some grief adversity I guess. I think once something traumatic happens, the recovery definitely makes a person better if the person is willing to direct him/herself to the right path.

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For those of you who left me messages, emails, and phone calls, I have to say a very sincere thank you. Without this blog, I think my accidental coming out wouldn't come so soon and I think life has become much better and easier. For that I have to appreciate the mere chance of starting a blog so randomly. Also, more importantly, I have to say thank you again to those of you who kept talking to me online. Topics might be random but the communication, gay related or not build up confidence in me and I really really appreciate that. Amit, I am fine. Hehe don't worry, I didn't jump off a tall building and check out. lol~~

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ok back to my regular gay rant. I know from here and on I think the blog will not likely have anything huge and dramatic for a while. It is going to be boring and rant filled, so turn away if you wish hehe.

I went to the outlet, wasn't so much for the shopping but to just hanging out more with my friends.

I somehow have a gut feeling that in a year or two, my life will have another transformation and so will my friends. For example, my best friend is comtemplatingwether or not to take Dior's offer. If she does, she has to sign a five year contract and travel to a different place every month. I always wanted to keep everyone close by so I feel a sense of community. However, we are all growing up and we have to burst the bubble and start to live our lives. LA is just one fucked up city and there is a whole world outside of California and even America. Anyways, back to my story...

Rishi shut up, outlet is for people too! It was great. At YSL an obvious gay couple were shopping. They weren't fem or anything. But the way they interacted with each other and how they dressed and how the older one checked me out once I entered were all clear signs. I think the older one was the younger one's sugar daddy because he seemed to be paying the bill. Hehe. I know I am so cynical. On the way out, a pair of white boys dressed up like Euro trash meets California surfer wanna bes walked pass us laughing and chatting. The long haired one stopped and definitely checked me out with failed subtlety. I mean he did that seemed to be looking down but actually looking at you kinda thing. haha I loved it, I mean it is always great when someone nice checking you out! lol~~ Then when I went to True Religion, a David Beckham kinda guy was shopping there and I couldn't take my eyes off him. We exchanged looks but I was sure he wasn't into me. I mean if he stepped in a gay club he would demand attention whereas I just sit at the corner... However, my friend said he was gross due to his dark pink sandals. Yeah I think it is kinda gross too haha.

I don't know I think once your parent knows, you feel more comfortable doing whatever you are doing. It isn't so bad anymore.

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On another note, I am cutting a friend of my life again. This is the 3rd time I am doing this to friends who I have met over 3 full years. In fact one was 8 years, then a 3 years, and this one was going for the 4th year. It is truly sad but I think once you see a person's essence, there is no need to waste your time on people who don't deserve it. It is not so much Holier than Thou attitude, rather, it is how compatible you feel. I am always really nice to people and the idealistic side of me always dreamed about everyone lives happily together and people treat each other with respect, care, and sincerity. Apparently, my practical side has been winning the battle since the beginning of time as I know it. The teacher that I blogged about, told us that you would be considered lucky if you could make more than two true friends in your life. It is true. Personally, I think true friends would be friends would give you the truth with all the good intentions, friends would overcome jealousy and embrace your success, friends who would treat your problems like their own and help you succeed, and friends who wouldn't be afraid of correcting your horrible personal traits. It is a one chance world and you just can't fuck it up. For gay men, it is even easier. Just see which friend of yours would stand up for you when you are the minority. I don't mean it like they have to march on the street for gay marriage. But how they react to your transformation, how they treat the topic around, and how they initiate their interaction around you and your gay friends all speak louder than their words. I am sure a lot of people are "cool" with it now, but sadly it isn't so true. They still do not fully understand what exactly it is like to be gay. A lot of them claim they are cool with it means a mere "I am not dumping you out of my life" assurance. Yes, as sad as it sounds, that is their acceptance.

The reason I am writing this is because it has to do with my recent coming out. The process has been very easy except for the mom. I really naively thought my friends were cool with it. However, I think I learned a lesson that "cool" with it isn't right. We do not need tolerance. We tolerate diseases, we tolerate a tyrant, we tolerate bad weathers. We need respect and equality. I want to be treated like I am no different than anyone else around me. We are normal people; we aren't diseases. Cool with it already has some sort of "doing you a favor" "I am very holy and moral" connotation to it. What they do not understand, also, we as closeted gays who fail to notice in this chaotic process, is that somehow their acceptance of our sexual identity has made them morally superior. So OUR issues become something that is entirely about them! I am not making an over generalizing comment here. I am sure a lot of people are really accepting it and supporting it for me. But yesterday I just learned that some may not and I think every self respecting gay man should open their eyes and really see what is going on.

I came out to a friend named J a couple months ago. Her boyfriend is Asian and extremely fob. So I never liked him to begin with. Her brother is about 5'6", skinny to the bones, and kinda fem, so if anything he would be identified as the gay man. The boyfriend and the brother both look like genuine bottoms but due to their delirious minds, they just don't see it. Yet, they are homophobic, and they think I am gay because, 1. I don't like to fix up my car. (yeah you heard it right, fucking fobs get a grip, making a fake turbo on your fucked up Toyota doesn't make you straight), 2. I seem to argue about useless shit with people, you know like, topics like respect. This friend of mine was a bit of shall we say immature. She could be friendly all the time but when you count on her doing something important, she always seems to flake out. The people in our group all tolerated her antics because she looks like 16 even though she is already 23. But who would really argue with her since she looks like 16??

Anyways because of all this, I really just wanted to maintain a healthy normal friend relationship with her. I know that because of all the differences and the lack of reliability and trust wouldn't make us the best of friends but she was good enough for me to tell her who I really was. I told her, she was shocked and she said she was honored that I trusted her enough to share this with her. (I was happy that she suddenly said something so supportive). I told her, DO not tell your bf and brother because they are homophobic even though they look gayer than I am. I don't know them, period, and they like to gossip so please DO NOT SHARE this information. However, if they directly ask you if I was gay due to some unusual circumstances, such as catching me chatting with you about guys etc, I guess it is ok to let them know. But DO NOT voluntarily advertise this. She said "oh, man that is gonna be hard, but ok I promise you I won't since it is something about 'life and death"'. I was assured because she said something so profound, she seemed to understand the magnitude of this issue and the importance of my privacy.

One month later, both her brother and boyfriend knew. And I just figured that out 3 days ago. When I confronted her, she used her signature "omg, so annoying, I don't' know what is going on, it just happened, I don't know I don't know I don't know." response. She then proceeded with some lame and vague excuse. Her explanation was because her bf and brother always talk about it so she felt really annoyed. In her mind, by telling them that I was gay would stop them from talking about me being potentially gay. First of all, if they are as straight as they sound, why would they sit together and talk about which guy would possibly be gay SO MUCH that you couldn't even just ignore it. Secondly, how is telling them that I am gay gonna stop them from talking. So much for the "life and death" comment. Their bitch mouths would be splashed all over the places and spread more about the perpetual Asian gay stereotypes, you know, I don't like to fix up my car. (seriously, what kinda fucking retards fix up cars, if you aren't rich, spend the money on investments educations and read a bit more; if you are rich, get a Bentley or Ferrari already.) The fact that she awkwardly lied about her motive was even more insulting. I mean do I look like that I am that stupid to believe this shit that she smeared all over my face?

I do not know what part of DO NOT tell them she didn't understand. I guess coming out does show who are your real friends. For them it is not a big deal to just talk about it like if they farted or not in the morning. What is even worse that they would probably just turn around and call me over sensitive. See how she made this shit completely about her and made it in a way that I coudln't even blame her for what she did. I mean what kind of douchebag would I be if I blame her for her attempt to stop them from talking about me being right?

I mean can you imagine when you rely them on something even less significant? The utter lack of respect, trust, and outright ignorance are the final draw for me. The world is large and people do come in and go in your life. I am not going to waste my time on useless fuck ups like this anymore. Man I shouldn't have bought her that fucking Juicy Couture make up bag a week ago. God I am so fucking blind.