I'm weak..cant go on anymore

I honestly feel like this is the end. The person I'll never be able to get over is moving to arkansas so she can get money for a car. I can't do this long distance shit anymore. All I do is stay in bed all day crying about it. I can't eat because my nerves make my stomach upset. I have no will to go on. I'm ready to tell everyone bye and then get a hotel room so no one i know will find me dead. I'm not even getting scared of it anymore, it just feels like something i have to do.

I'm tired of living with relatives because i feel spyed on. The only reason i was staying here because my ex-fiancee was close by. Now she's leaving because she cant afford where she lives now. Has no idea how long she'll be there. She expects me to wait and be 'strong' about it.

Well you know what, I'm not fucking strong in the least. I can't handle everyday life at all. I am a shitty (ex)fiance, shitty friend, a shitty son and a shitty nephew. All i'm doing is wasting away. I collapsed in the shower yesterday from not being able to breathe. 21 years of pissing everyone off with my depression. Yeah my life revolves around one person I admit. But its been months and I havent gotten any better. I'll never fucking get her back because i can't even take care of myself. I'm weak and worthless. I wish I could just start things over with her but thats unrealistic. This really feels like the end. I'm untreatable. I guess its over.

Do you not feel there's the smallest chance of getting her back? You said because you can't take care of yourself you can't get her back, but if you find away to break this depression slightly and just sort a few things out in your life to make life livable again, then you can get slightly better and take that chance because you deserve a chance like everyone else. If your depressed its typically going to be difficult to think how to sort out these things because your mind can't operate properly and everything seems to be pointless. But it is possible to do. I really recommend just breaking all your problems down into separate bits and see which ones you can improve without too much hassle. To just make one thing in your life better or back to normal can sometimes give you the zest and motivation to sort out the rest.
Depression makes us all feel weak in some way. But that is because it's a disease that sucks away our energy, not because it's you. I bet your stronger than you think.

Have you ever heard the song "unanswered prayers" by Garth Brooks? I'm not a huge country fan, but it really speaks to what a lot of people are feeling. It says "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers...Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". Well, anyway, I know this doesn't help the pain to go away instantly, but when I look back on my life, there are so many things That I prayed for that I never got. They were all-important to me at the time, but had those prayers been granted, I would have missed so many other things. I believe that every prayer has an answer, just not always the answer we are looking for. God knows what you really need. Try to have faith and trust Him. It's not easy, but once you let go of the idea that you know exactly how your life should play out, you are granted an amazing freedom to accept the beautiful graces and gifts that God has in store for you. You just need to let Him take control and your anxieties really do melt away.

I am sorry you have reached this point in your life ruiner. Although long distance relationships can be difficult, they can work. She is not saying she doesn't want you anymore. She is doing what is best for her at this time. She wants you to stay strong and wait for her. Don't give up hope in your relationship. Work toward healing the depression so you feel you can care for yourself and ultimately her. Take care hun. stay safe. :hug: