Vincent D’Onofrio Is The Greatest Actor on Earth

You think I’m joking. I’m not. Vincent D’onofrio is one bad-ass actor, and I defy you to say otherwise. Oh, I know it’s popular to go with the sexy choices, like Russell “Phone Throwing” Crowe, or Tom “I Can Make a Sucky Movie Redeemable” Hanks, or some other hot-ass actor like Denzel Washington, Kevin Spacey or Tom Sizemore. Yes, I’m joking about Sizemore. This is the guy who used to beat up Heidi Fleiss, of all people. Why in the hell would you beat up a woman that can hook you up with other women? Not that I’m condoning any violence toward any woman, but damn, you’d’ve thought she would’ve certainly gotten a special exemption. A No Ass Beat Pass. Idiot. The only way he’ll get an award is if he steals Billy Bob Thorton’s Oscar for Sling Blade while they’re on a 3 day drug-and-whore binge in Sacramento. But even if you do pick another guy as the World’s Best Actor (WBA), you’re only denying the truth to yourself. Vincent D’Onofrio is the freakin’ man.

By now, many of you are saying “Who the hell is Vincent D’Onofrio, and why are you picking on Sizemore?” V plays Detective Robert Goren on “Law and Order: Criminal Intent”. He’s the lead character, a cop with a genius-level IQ and a whole lotta quirky behavior that accompanies it. He’s kinda like “Monk“, only with fewer idiosyncratic behaviors. He also played Edgar the Bug in Men In Black, and Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. There, you’ve seen him before, haven’t you? Aren’t you now ready to proclaim his superiority and write letters of protest to the Academy of Motion Pictures, complaining about why D’Onofrio has been snubbed all these years? Hell, he should win for movies he isn’t even in, just because his mere existence makes them better, regardless of his level of participation. He should be wearing little platinum and gold mini-Emmys around his neck in anticipation of winning constantly, as though he was the USA Basketball team, circa 1994. Every other nominee should be the acting equivalent of Angola.

Why D’Onofrio? Well, I gotta admit, I wasn’t on his bandwagon as the WBA until yesterday. I was watching a movie called, interestingly enough, Steal This Movie, which starred VD’O and was based on the life of radical lefist Abbie Hoffman during the 60s and 70s. Good flick. He was incredible as the paranoid rebel on the run and underground for 20 years. I kept saying “Damn, that Dee Onoffreo boy is good!” I knew him from the aforementioned movies and the TV show, and then I remembered seeing a movie called The Salton Sea a couple of weeks ago that starred my man Val Kilmer. (You SO thought I was gonna say VD’O. Admit it.) In this movie, VD’O played a character named Pooh Bear, so called because he snorted so much blow that he lost his entire nose, a la Winnie the Pooh when he gets his nose stuck in a honey pot. Pooh Bear was undistilled evil. And VD’O was workin’ that role, man. He wore a huge, fake nose, kinda like Humpty-Hump from Digital Underground. You know, “The Humpty Dance”? Yeah, like that. He was brilliant.

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7 comments

Okay, if you haven’t seen it already, go rent the Newton Boys. Fucking AWESOME movie (based on a true story) about the (of course) Newton brothers, who robbed like a skrillion banks and such back in the day. VD’O’s character, big bro Doc, is a whiskey-guzzling, rifle-toting, pussy-hounding prison escapee. Watch for the moment when he shows brother Will the “two-step method” for breaking into banks. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

BTW, this is your dear dear long-lost lovely ladyfriend, WonderCat. (Yes, I have a blog or two now. Don’t laugh.)

i am a huge fan of det. robt. (bobby) goren. and i dont care who knows. he is the nost interesting charactor on tv today. i have read some people comparing him to lt. columbo. who is also an interesting charactor. which is either really good or….bobby is in a league all his own. some of my favorites eposides are. nicole wallace. the basketball coach. the add insurance man. the old lady who just waned to be on broadway.