As I fell down a spinning spiral this weekend I am reminded that it will be worth it all. I may not understand His ways but with all that is within me I must praise Him. I can not fool myself into believing that it doesn't hurt, believe me it is the most painful thing I have ever grown through. I keep crying out to God to renew a "right spirit in me" and to "restore the joy of my salvation". I am crying out for the "peace that passed all understanding." "I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing" the He will "take captive every thought." I am holding onto the lyrics of this song, reminding myself that "You hold on to all my pain, With it You are pulling me closer And pulling me into Your ways." I know the He is keeping my tears in a bottle as the scripture says, and He knows how much I have poured out over the past few months.
This weekend a Peninnah entered my life. One that I knew I would face. He told me I would face her. I thought I was prepared and maybe I was, but it sent me down a spinning spiral. There is just so much that hits you when you face your worst fear. It was like a punch in the chest, you know the kind that takes the breath out of you. The trailing words of "it's God's will" and "we are still praying for you" echo in my mind as the fear recreates its self. My first thought after hearing these words were "are you truely praying for us?" or did you just say it out of your own guilt? Do you truely make it a point to say out our names to God in prayer or do you just think in pitty about us? I have never heard from you after you lifted up a prayer for us. It has been incredibly hard to sleep and not hear the echo of my fear of my nightmare coming true. My prayer is that I will be able to live with this Peninnah and not become bitter with her. I would {never} want to hurt her. That is my prayer above all "that this to shall pass". I know in my sensitive broken state that I am trying to see beyond my own pain, but in all of this I want to scream from the roof tops, "I am not handeling this very well!" I want so badly for this Peninnah to see beyond herself for once and ask me how I am doing. Sounds selfish I know, but it is true I have never heard from her lips, "how are you" witha sincere concern instead of a nonchalant notion. For once I would like to be on the receiving end. I am way to much of a Martha when it comes to this. I guess that is too much to ask as I sit here praying that someone would tell me this is all a sick joke and I will wake up soon from this nightmare. My insecurity is screaming inside and I can not hold back the tears. Sorry to be so transparent, it is the truth and it will set me free. God forgive me for reacting this way and teach me to handle this the way you would have me breath. I, in my flesh, am so weak and beaten. I truely need you to carry me and remind me of your scars and your blood. Please speak to my spirit that {it will be worth it all} Now more than ever I need you to lift my head unto the hills so I can be reminded of where my hope comes from. I need to feel the warmth of your embrace. Please give me strength to see beyond my own self and focus whole heartedly on You. Less of me and more of You Father.
My husband has been praying Psalms 91 over me and other scriptures that I need to hear. I thank God for him and for the scriptures to kling to without it over the past 48 hours I would have broken to the lowest point ever. I will admit I have need to have the Word of God spoken over me to take captive every thought. Yes, this God praying women can not pray for herself in this beaten state. I will share with you later the book a friend ordered for me that is full of scriptures and prayers. I am so incredibly thankful for the hope found in scriptures. I could not imagine walking this road alone without the hope of knowing He is in control and the hope of the promises found in His Words.
It will be {worth} it, it will be {worth} it all, I {believe}! Maybe a book will be birthed out of all of this. I truely feel like I am feeling the contractions of a birthing that's for sure! I wonder what Rita Springer was going through when she wrote the song? It would be neet to hear her story. For anyone who read as I poured out my heart, we need your prayers. I need you to speak scripture over Jonathan and I. When God drops us into your mind please let us know. We need to know He has sent worriors to hold us up. I have been completely transparent in this post and do not seek pitty from anyone. These are growing pains and pruning pains. I truely wrote this incredibly long blog to "get it off my chest" and let others know that they are not alone. We all grow through these days and nights and weeks and years... so I am sharing the burden because that is what we are told to do through His Words. So that we may lift one another up in petition through prayer. I pray for you who are experiencing a Peninnah. For those of you who have no idea what I am referring to, just read 1 Sammuel and you will understand. Peninnah's can be in the form of anything, it doesn't have to be a person, just anything that distracts you. I pray that it will cause you to push harder and pour your burdens all out at the alter and desperately seek His face. I want to remind you that {It will be worth it all}!

Psalm 91(The Message)

You who sit down in the High God's presence,
spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
In His Grip,
Jen

Abundance is... an incredible husband who holds me when I am broken, who speaks over me words of hope. Not to mention he is a pretty hot date too... had a wonderful time Friday night on our date sweety. Without you I would be a hot mess. Realization that my insecurity is not being able to produce a family for my husband... thanks to Beth on her incredible study of So Long, Insecurity, you have been a bad friend to us. Your right 80% of the things we worry over we have no control of. Who was I to think that {I} can produce another person and produce happiness that will come with it? Beth this is incredibly hard to expose for sure! Now I am mad... shooting rattlesnakes mad! LOL

1 comment:

Father I pray for G right now. Desperately asking You to cover her in the shadow of your wing, sheltering her from negativity that causes her doubt and become discouraged, shelter her in Your peace. Let YOUR peace flood over her and calm her heart. Remind her that You love her and long to give her good things. You know more than we do, You are amazing FAther! You want to give her the desires of her heart and you're timing is perfect. You are at work, orchestrating everything as it should be! DO NOT let discouragement or negative words affect her heart. Do not let it distract her. I pray that she would keep focused on You, expecting good things from You, give her peace knowing that everything comes from You and You will bless those who earnestly seek You. Do not be discouraged, but wait and see the goodness of the Lord!