Monday, December 5, 2011

Oh Stripper Tree, Oh Stripper Tree

Upon the resurrection of the tree, our countdown to Christmas has officially begun.

There are so many themes for the Yule timber. Some people adorn with ornaments from throughout the years. Some, like my good friend Jill, use fabulous color schemes like white, silver and black. While others devote an entire topiary to their favorite sports team.

We, or I rather, chose the stripper theme.

It wasn't really a conscious choice. While searching out a spot to shove another one of my flashy bulbs, I was slapped with the epiphany that there is enough glitter, sequins, feathers and thong bead on my tree to doll up every Phoenix lady dancer for the entire month of December.

Also adding to my tree's sluttiness is that she is half naked. Does anyone decorate the rear if it is backed up into a corner?

Not me.

To be fair, our tree does have a few trimmings that fall into the sentimental category.

This one warms the heart with thoughts of life changing celebrations. Look at those young pups.

This bow, and all her other bow friends remind me of two years ago when I decided to use the clearance sequin ribbon to make bows for the tree. It was also the year when I decided that making bows for the tree stops being fun after two of them.

These cuties remind us of a magical Florida vacation. I hope that they are enjoying themselves, because the magic, allure and wizardry of Disney is likely the only thing that could get me to pay full price for an ornie.

Speaking of which, the jeweled snowflakes are a visual reminder that even the classiest of Scottsdale Pottery Barn shoppers can be savagely hypnotized by the day after Christmas prices. You know who you are, you foaming-at-the-mouth greedy Jezebel. Wait. Maybe that was my reflection in the window. I forget. Never mind.

This bulb was a sweet sentiment from a former boss' wife. They are divorced now after some cheating and emotional unattachment. What?! It is shiny and has glitter! You don't actually expect me to take it off the tree? Just because their marriage resembled a shattered holiday bulb frozen into a frigid pile of peed on snow doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the beauty of the token.

Let this treasure be a constant reminder that Mr Schatze and I both graduated from Playboy's #3 party school of the year. Go Devils! It was #1 when we were there.

This is the first year with the lustrous green sequin tree skirt. It was a pick up from Target's after Christmas sale last year. I think this skirt is what truly tied together the stripper tree picture for me.

Well, almost. It was still missing something, so I let her put on my pointy hooker boots from the back of the closet. Yes! Let the Christmas lap dance begin.

Mr Schatze hasn't seen the snappy footwear addition yet. If he comes home today and instinctively starts making it rain dollar bills on the tree I will understand.