Thursday, February 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Several new books written by Dr. Suess have been found and will soon be published. Which is great news for George W. Bush who says he just finished the first series.

Several new books written by Dr. Suess have been found and will soon be published. His widow found them in a box. She found them packed in with some socks. She tried to read them to a fox.

The Census Bureau says that 30% of Millennials still live with their parents. The other 70% live in homes that don’t have a basement.

The Census Bureau says that 30% of Millennials still live with their parents. Those are the ones who can’t get a job other than doing surveys every ten years for the Census.

The leader of Hong Kong told people in the wake of protests to be more “like sheep.” To which the 7 Million people living on its 400 square miles are asking “What are sheep?”

A report says that elective egg freezing is on the rise. It’s a combination of women who want to have children later in life and having children who are already pre-cooled and ready to adjust to global warming.

Jeb Bush says that “mistakes were made” on his brother’s watch in Iraq. And on his brother’s watch with the economy. And Katrina. And with Abu Ghraib. And with “No Child Left Behind. And with the deficit...

A water main break flooded the Hollywood Hills in California with 100,000 gallons of water. Residents panicked and started getting ill. They had heard about but had never actually been exposed before to tap water.

Russia’s top spy is in Washington, D.C. for a summit on extremism. In other words, he is going to sit in the gallery and watch both sides debate some legislation in Congress.

A report says that U.S. healthcare spending is on the rise again. Which is being blamed on Obamacare because now that everyone can finally afford to see a doctor they know they can raise prices as much as they want.

A report says that U.S. healthcare spending is on the rise again. Apparently the medical profession raised their fees as soon as they say Americans had a few extra dollars in their pockets from lower gasoline prices.

A report says that multivehicle crashes are on the rise. Apparently the problem started when people found out about group texting and could send messages to everyone else they were driving next to on the freeway.

The Wisconsin mayor who was bitten on the ear on Groundhog Day by Jimmy the Groundhog lost in a primary race. The worst part is that Jimmy didn’t really bite him, he just whispered in his ear that he had six weeks left in his job.

The Wisconsin mayor who was bitten on the ear on Groundhog Day by Jimmy the Groundhog lost in a primary race. He said he knew something was wrong when he walked outside on election day and didn’t see his shadow.

The Pentagon says the U.S. has screened 1,200 moderate Syrian rebels for combat training. Military experts were surprised. There are moderate rebels in the Middle East?

A Krispy Kreme store in the UK has dropped its plan to have a promotion called “KKK Wednesday.” Apparently the misunderstanding started when someone heard “KKK” would go over well in Birmingham but they were talking about the one in Alabama.

Uber says it is set to launch a carpool service in Los Angeles. There is already a term for vehicles in L.A. that have more than one person inside. A bus.

Uber says it is set to launch a carpool service in Los Angeles. The only previous time you would ever see more than one person in the same vehicle in L.A. is when one of them was riding in the back seat of a limo in a pine box.

Uber says it is set to launch a carpool service in Los Angeles. If that doesn’t work they will try a business that has more of a chance of success in southern California. Selling snow shovels.

A survey says that Americans are less satisfied when they go shopping. Mostly because they miss the days where they could actually come out of the store carrying something they were able to afford to buy.

New York is suing UPS for shipping untaxed cigarettes. Remember the days when you could still send someone cigarettes and it was shipping marijuana that would get you in trouble?

An Arizona man bought a watch for $6 that he was able to resell for $35,000. Apparently he got the idea from the business model for the new Apple iWatch.

A report says that bodybuilders are using human breast milk to help bulk up. Which sheds some light on why Arnold Schwarzenegger is such a boob.

A study says that exercise may not just alleviate depression but prevent it. Which is even more depressing for people who were hoping they could stay on the couch and take care of it with their meds.

A Connecticut dentist has been charged after a patient died after a dental extraction and implant procedure. The dentist was initially uncooperative. Police say getting him to talk was like pulling teeth.

A Connecticut dentist has been charged after a patient died while he was pulling 20 teeth for dental implants. Or as dentists in Alabama call working on 20 teeth, a pretty good career.

A study says that highly processed foods are tied to addictive eating. Which could be solved if they wouldn’t make all of it taste so good.

A study has revealed why smoking pot causes the munchies. Although the answer still isn’t clear since the report is too hard to read through all the cheese and pepperoni stains.

A report says the Disneyland measles outbreak may have originated in the Philippines. Which means it really is a small world after all.

A study says that half of all Americans are at risk to carcinogen exposure from drinking soda. The other half have nothing to worry about since their morbid obesity from all the sugar in the sodas will kill them long before they can develop cancer.

Selena Gomez talked about her bouts with anxiety in a recent magazine interview. For one thing, after dating Justin Bieber she still gets extremely nervous every time she sees a carton of eggs.

The premier date of the 10th season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” has been announced by E!. It will follow up the wedding of Kim Kardashian with Bruce Jenner telling her that she isn’t losing a stepfather, but will instead be gaining a stepmother.

The premier date of the 10th season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” has been announced by E!. Which will no doubt be listed by future historians as one of the top reasons for the decline and fall of America.

George and Amal Clooney are reportedly building a panic room in their mansion. Apparently it is being installed in preparation for the day when George finally falls out of the top ten list of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

A court has delayed a hearing on a dispute over Lindsay Lohan’s community service hours. The case goes back to a 2012 reckless driving charge where she was given 240 hours of community service. Apparently her plan is to work it off with an hour a year through 2252.

A court has delayed a hearing on a dispute over Lindsay Lohan’s community service hours. The case goes back to a 2012 reckless driving charge where she was given 240 hours of community service. Looking back, she says she should have just taken the usual celebrity jail time of 45 minutes.

Rapper Afroman has been arrested for punching a fan who ran onto the stage. Where was this guy when Taylor Swift and Beck were rushed by Kanye West?

Vanilla Ice has been arrested for burglary and grand theft of an abandoned home while he was renovating the house next door. It was the biggest robbery he was associated with since people handed over $8 to see his movie “Cool As Ice.”

Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray Joel was given modeling advice from her mother Christie Brinkley. Her mom told her to just do anything she could to keep from looking like her dad.

Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray Joel was given modeling advice from her mother Christie Brinkley. Let’s just hope she doesn’t get any advice on how to drive from her father.

The 2022 World Cup in Qatar will take place in November and December. Apparently those are the two months of the year when the night time temperature actually stays in double digits.

The 2022 World Cup in Qatar will take place in November and December. By then global warming will be so bad that the Gatorade will be served in fire extinguishers for when the players experience spontaneous combustion.

A report says that climate change could lead to new disease outbreaks around the world. They will know it’s bad when Eskimos start coming down with cases of malaria.

A report says that climate change could lead to new disease outbreaks around the world. It’s already started with the spread of measles from Frontierland to Tomorrowland all the way to Main Street, U.S.A.

A report says that grizzly bears are waking up ahead of schedule in Yellowstone. In fact there have already been several calls about missing pick-a-nick baskets.

A study says that penguins eat fish but can’t taste them. Which is exactly the same claim from people who have eaten at the Red Lobster.

A study says that penguins eat fish but can’t taste them. Which is why their wives just completely quit doing any more work in the kitchen.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says this century’s history could be lost because the programs needed to view them will become obsolete. Which means it’s just a good thing we decided not to record the 1970s on Betamax.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says this century’s history could be lost because the programs needed to view them will become obsolete. Unless they can figure out how to get online and access Youtube.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says this century’s history could be lost because the programs needed to view them will become obsolete. Which might be a good thing because if future civilizations get a look at online porn, clips of “The Kardashians” and what we stored on Facebook, they will pretty much already know why we didn’t survive.

Graphics editing program Photoshop is celebrating its 25th anniversary. Which is being given complete credit for extending Madonna’s career 25 years.

Graphics editing program Photoshop is celebrating its 25th anniversary. It is the one device that can do what no camera lens was able to accomplish. Fit Kim Kardashian’s entire backside into one picture.

D.J. Patil has been appointed as the nation’s first Chief Data Scientist. Apparently the White House realizes they should have hired him to put together the Obamacare website instead of just paying for an online template through GoDaddy.com.

D.J. Patil has been appointed as the nation’s first Chief Data Scientist. It’s not known what his policy ideas are yet but apparently he can really scratch the deck during a dubstep mix.

D.J. Patil has been appointed as the nation’s first Chief Data Scientist. Apparently he wasn’t the first choice but Deadmau5 was already booked through the rest of the year.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! An arctic blast continues to grip the eastern U.S. To which all my friends in California are saying “Ha!” I get my revenge. When it is this cold I just stay inside and inflict even more jokes on everyone. Ha! Although the way I can always stay warm is when you all take the time to remember to send the love!