Carolyn Hitt: How to keep Calm and Carry On this Christmas

And so this is Christmas and what have you done?

And so this is Christmas and what have you done? Not enough? Still hoping the garage will be open at 9pm for a last-minute shopping spree that could leave your other half weeping over the disappointment of six limp carnations and an ice scraper gift box?

Well relax. There are no more office parties to endure, fretting whether your Secret Santa was appropriate. The Black Friday Mobile Triage Unit has stood down.

And there are only another 48 hours of the stress-tive season to get through. You won’t even have to shop for most of it. Unless you’re a Chinese tourist already queuing for the Harrod’s Sale.

The countdown to Yuletide is presented in the media as a consumer assault course. Even the John Lewis Snowman has to undertake a journey longer than Michael Palin ever managed just to buy his missus a pashmina.

Horrified that the government wouldn’t extend December 23 opening hours because it fell in a Sunday, retailers approached yesterday as it was a national emergency rather than the day we buy pickles.

Then there are the psychological effects of the Christmas build-up. Every newspaper agony aunt has been on double-time producing guides to surviving seasonal stress.

Apparently the prospect of spending time with one’s family, eating chocolate and watching the Call The Midwife special can be as traumatic as a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Well it isn’t. So why do we approach it in this way? It’s all a question of attitude. So here’s my guide on how to Keep Calm and Carry On this Christmas.

* Accept We Can’t All Be Mary Berry.

Christmas Day should only really be stressful for the poor person who knows what to do with giblets and a turkey cavity.

A lot of people got into a feminist frenzy over the “sexist” Asda advert which showed the mother doing everything on Christmas Day. I thought it was a documentary. Christmas dinner still falls to the females in most households doesn’t it?

Ladies, just don’t watch the women who cook on telly. Nigella may glug cocktails infused with crème de lychee and creates mincepies, star-topped and filled with home-made mincemeat full of “plumptious cranberries” but the rest of us can push the culinary boat out once a year by going to Waitrose.

And remember Christmas dinner is only really a Sunday roast with delusions of grandeur.

* Sprouts needn’t be your worst nightmare.

This tip is just for the children. Kids – they may be your vegetable nemesis but think of the comic potential of the volcanic wind they produce. Adults who fear the pungent green balls, meanwhile, now have a get-out clause – but only if they take anti-coagulants. Something to do with the effects of Vitamin K. A chap from Ayrshire on heart tablets was hospitalised after eating too many.

* So it wasn’t what you always wanted... but the thought was there eh?

Spread some Christmas joy by hiding your reaction to a disappointing present.

When I was a child I became legendary for the enthusiasm of my gift responses. “Aw innit lovely!” was my mantra for years while my brothers sniggered and imitated my high-pitched delight.

It is worth practising this kind of enthusiasm in advance, particularly if (a) you haven’t actually got anything at all because your loved ones bought a goat for an African village instead or (b) you get six limp carnations and an ice scraper gift box.

* So it wasn’t what they always wanted... don’t be disappointed by your kids’ response to presents.

If they are under two they’ll prefer chewing the wrapping anyway. But older rugrats can be devastatingly blasé.

Bombarded by dubious consumer messages, the modern British child is afflicted by affluenza from birth. Symptoms include the inability to understand how confused adults get trying to work out the difference between a Wii, an Xbox and a Nintendo DS.

Do not any on account, however, go to the opposite extreme and tell them “count yourselves lucky – my father only got an apple in his stocking every year.” They’ll be even more traumatised thinking Grampy got an iPad when they didn’t even get a Kindle Fire HD.

* Go To Church.

It is a religious festival after all. But remember that Midnight Mass is actually at 9.30pm to deter drunken intruders and the priest will pointedly welcome “visitors” with an expression that says “but where are you every Sunday?”

* Don’t Get Too Excited About The Christmas Radio Times.

In this age of multi-channel; DVD/BlueRay; iPlaying; red-buttoned; time-shifting television, there is no frisson left when scanning the pages of the festive bumper TV guide.

Even in the old days there could be a sense of Christmas anti-climax. My nan spent all of December anticipating the thrill of the first terrestrial showing of the Sound of Music but – exhausted by veg preparation and Quality Street consumption – she was fast asleep by The Lonely Goatherd.

So rather than whinge about repeats and the fact it looks suspiciously like August on the Christmas Doctor Who special, accept that you’ve probably seen 75 per cent of the Yuletide schedules already.

But there are a few treats this year interspersed between 19 repeats of Morecambe and Wise. Call The Midwife, Downtown Abbey, and The Snowman and The Snowdog. Plus the Queen’s Message has been shot in 3D, a format usually reserved for special effects-laden action movies.

Jmping out of a helicopter with James Bond has obviously gone to Her Madge’s head. While Philip reads his Attila the Hun biography the monarch may well be enacting the Bourne Supremacy on the roof of Sandringham.

*And finally... cherish your family.

Yes we’ll be getting on each others’ nerves by the end of Boxing Day but being cooped up with your nearest and dearest is a privilege not everyone enjoys.

According to Age UK around three million elderly people are dreading a cold, lonely Christmas while for the divorced and bereaved it can be the hardest day of the year. So draw some comfort from the joy of family and have a happy and peaceful Christmas.

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