A woman in a movie theater in Chicago is suing a local movie theater for head injuries she sustained when she got whacked over the head. By what?

I so very much wish that I was kidding.

No, not the chair. The armrest. Apparently, this woman was bending down in her chair to talk on the phone “discreetly,” which is an incredibly bitchy thing to do in the first place, and the armrest fell down and assailed her. She even had to be taken to the hospital for her “injuries.” There are three possible conclusions to be drawn here.

1) Armrests in this particular theater are spring-loaded to snap downwards, and are also cold-forged from high-carbon steel and hurting.

2) This woman has the pain tolerance of an infant puppy with a nerve disorder, and possibly a skull made of cotton candy.

3) This woman is a conflagrative bitch of Meryl-Streep-in-The-Devil-Wears-Prada-which-is-awesome-by-the-way proportions—evidence for this is strong—and she is faking it to get settlement money.

Or possibly she’s a conflagratively bitchy puppy.

I’m going for option three mostly, and I hope she gets a very small amount of dollars equivalent to zero, and is also shunned by all her friends and family for at least a few weeks. After reading the following, I want that even more.

Who knew? You go to the movie theaters and the arm rest is going to knock you out. It’s an unforeseen incident and you don’t want anybody to go through the pain and suffering I’m going through.

She’s claiming the theater didn’t properly maintain the armrests, and when asked if she was rethinking her phone call at all because it probably disturbed the other patrons (as did her massively overblown screams of agony, I’m sure), she responded, “I bent down so as not to disturb anybody.”

One thought on “Another Instance Of Excessively Fragile People Hurting Themselves In Retarded Ways”

That’s probably what would have happened here in Finland, so I think the moron would have kept her deservedly embarrassing mishap to herself.

But, that happened there in the US so let me guess: the chief of armrest maintenance of that theater got fired and the deranged cow got thousands of dollars because that injury had nothing to do with her being an absolute idiot, and after the incident, all the armrests in American movie theaters are required to have warning stickers that glow in the dark?