Just want my family whole

I have been married for almost 5 years to a wonderful man. We have two children together and we each have a child from previous relationships. My husband had suffered a tramatic brain injury after a motorcycle accident he had 2 weeks before our daughter was born. He lost all memory of me he ended up leaving me and returning to his former girl friend for a time. She had used his tbi as a chance to get all she could from us. She used our card from our joint account and drains it. She told him I tricked him into marriage and even went so far as to tell him that our child wasn't his. He has since come almost home. We live in separate homes at the moment but are looking for a home that we can buy that will be large enough and have all the amenities that he needs due to all the physical damage done from the accident. So here comes the problem......he never told his son that we are married and never told his son about his step brother, or half sister and half brother. He goes to her home to see his son 4 days a week, and so leaves 3 days for me and the other 3 kids. I have a HUGE problem with this. I have been very patient with all of this but I'm not sure how much more I can take. Not only do I feel he treats his son better than me and the other children but he also gives her more money for the one child they have together than he gives me for the care of our two children. I'm also very frustrated that he continues a relationship with her. They are not physical but she buys him card and gifts and writes I love you on them. They also txt eachother all the time and joke and laugh and he tells her EVERYTHING! I feel like a fool. I have given so much to him and have carried the weight of his care, the care for our children,care for our autistic daughter and carry us financially. He says that because there is such an age gap with the kids that they will have nothing in common and his son won't want anything to do with them. And his son would have no fun here so he feels no need to introduce them now. He is fine like this. (his son is 9, mine is 6, and ours are 4 and 3) What do I do? Is he right that they shouldn't meet?

Hello. Well this definitely sounds like a very complicated situation. Here is the thing, you need to be taking care of yourself now. And what I mean by this is from what I can gather, it sounds like you have been waiting for things to change with him. Unfortunately, you cannot change your husband, nor can you change the other woman; the only thing that you can change is YOU. Decide what you want and take action in that direction. What you want might be: "I am going to step away from him and this situation, becauseI think I will be happier if I remove myself from this," OR what you want might be: "I am going to stay with him while it plays out, and remain committed to the relationship." What you decide is up to you.

I know that you want a particular outcome--that you want him to leave her and come be with you, but that is not something you have control over. All you have control over is YOU--and this means, you can feel better by taking steps to take care of yourself, however you see fit. We often make the mistake of depending on others for happiness. We believe that "when this happens, then everything will be ok." And "when" may never come.

As far as his decision to not have the children meet, there isn't a right or wrong answer. It is important to know what you want (again, not what you want HIM to do, but what YOU want to do) and then move in that direction. You will feel empowered (rather than disempowered) if you take responsibility for how you feel regardless of him. It is not always easy to do, but it where you are going to find the most relief.

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