Everybody loves hot dogs, but they aren’t kosher in every situation. (Sorry about the pun).

In the small town of Council Bluffs, Iowa, a so called Hot Dog Man statue mysteriously appeared beside a bus stop near an area where children congregate. A concerned citizen called the police and made it a-bun-dantly clear (Sorry, I – I don’t know what’s come over me. I promise, that’s the last hot dog pun) that the person in the hot dog costume was strange and needed to be removed.

Officers that arrived at the scene soon discovered that the man in the hot dog costume was actually a 6-foot-tall statue, with no hands and an American flag hung on its back. The officers were quite frank with the media about their lack of evidence (I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I – I just can’t help it. I’m not doing this. It’s not me. I mean, it is me, but I can’t stop myself. Why won’t it stop?! Oh, God, why won’t it stop?!), and stated that they would relish any and all tips from anyone that has any information. (The puns…I just keep typing them and…I’m so scared right now. Am I going to die? Has the spirit of a vaudevillian comic from 1923 taken over my soul? I’m crying. Can someone help me? Please…I don’t want to die. I’ve done nothing wrong. I just…I just want to stop writing puns…).

The statue has been found in various locations around the city, and police Captain Terry LeMaster, the top dog of the Council Bluffs police department (I hear the screams of murder victims in my head. They’re screaming, crying, telling me to keep writing hot dog puns. My death would be sweet release), says no one understands why the statue keeps appearing, but he vows he and his fellow officers will dig up information that cuts the mustard (The tears…they just keep on streaming, but the hot dog puns…they don’t care. Huh? What? What was that? Did you hear that? It was nothing. It must have been the wind. Or a hot dog pun. Oh, no. Oh, no. Here it comes…here coMES ANOTHER OOOOOOONNNEEEE!!…), and police say they refuse to play ketchup. (Can at least one of you stop me from doing this? What the hell is wrong with you people? How can you just sit there and allow me to do this? Aren’t you insulted? DO SOMETHING! HELP ME GODDAMNIT! I FEEL THE EVIL FESTERING WITHIN ME. KNIVES ARE MY FRIENDS; ENTRAILS, LIKE BROTHERS; DEATH, THE MOTHER FROM WHOSE BREAST I SUCKLED; THE ELDER GOD OF MADNESS AND HOT DOG PUNS, HIS THIRST MUST BE QUENCHED…)

While not much is known about the hot dog statue or about who is placing it on corners around Council Bluffs, Iowa, one thing that is certain is that in the game of Police V.S. Mysterious Hot Dog Statue, Council Bluffs police promise they will be the wieners. (The transformation is complete. May the Elder God of Madness and Hot Dog Puns be the fuel that powers all hot dog related stories written by hack journalists! MAY MY REIGN BE ETERNAL…AND PLUMP WHEN COOKED! HAHAHAHAH!)