My husband had an affair and wants to stay friends with his mistress

My husband had an affair and wants to stay friends with his mistress

Kate de Brito

–,
Wednesday,
November,
26,
2008,(8:02am)

Dear Bossy: My husband had an affair this year, which I found out about. My problem is that they still keep in contact and she is now planning to move and wants to get a job where my Husband works.

This really upsets me and makes me nervous, but what really annoys me is the constant emotionally support this woman needs and demands. She is very intelligent, but constantly phones and emails my husband asking for help and advice on trivial matters, or becomes annoyed if he hasnâ€™t contacted her for a few days.

My Husband caves in every time as he feels guilty about what he did to her. She has become and intrusion in our lives and my Husband canâ€™t seem to see a problem with this. He keeps telling me over time she will become less reliant on him.

He has ended the physical relationship with this woman, but they continue to keep in contact and want to remain friends. My husband assures me nothing will ever happen again, but I find it hard to trust either of them.

I love him and donâ€™t want to leave him, but am slowly coming to the end of my tether.

Bossy says:Talk about trying it on! Your husband must have the hide of an Australian politician to try to get away with something like that; and you must have the patience of the Dalai Lama if you have not already said “enough is enough”.

In the best relationships partners don’t spend a lot of time telling each other what to do. They don’t control or intimidate, bark orders or demand (except on garbage night). They don’t tell their partner who they can be friends with and don’t spend their time laying down the law. Good relationships are about discussion, communication, friendship and compromise.

And yet there are always exceptions. There are times when we may need to say to a partner “your behaviour is hurting me; it is hurting us, I’d like you to make a change”.

Your husband is showing an extraordinary lack of sensitivity to your feelings by saying he is going to stay friends with this woman after ending the affair. Even if he is telling the truth about ending the physical side of their relationship; even if they are no longer going to be emotionally intimate; it’s still a massive call.

In normal situations no-one wants to be telling their partner who they can be friends with, but in this situation you husband has broken your trust. He’d need to have some reserves in the emotional bank account to ask for this level of trust again, so soon, and expect you to take his word for it that nothing will happen again.

Your husband says he wants to continue being friends with this woman because he feels guilty about what he did to her. He’s also prepared to offer her emotional support but says this will fade over time. But what about you? What about the emotional support you need to get through your husband’s infidelity? It strikes me he’s offering his mistress more care than he’s offering you.

I guess one of the implicit understandings of marriage is that you will come first in a person’s life, or pretty near to it. Children and work or friends and family commitments may interfere at times but the underlying sense is that the union and the maintenance of that union come first. Your husband isn’t doing that. He’s putting this woman’s needs ahead of yours and by doing so he is continuing to break his promises in marriage.

Marriage is a promise. If there is a crack in one part; if you break one part of the promise, then ultimately the whole relationship is unstable. You will soon see cracks in other places too. So while your husband may see this situation as contained, he must begin to recognise that his actions, his breach of promise in one area, are in danger of destroying the whole.

Right now when he should be putting great effort into repairing the damage to your relationship he’s still focusing outward on her needs and his, rather than the needs of your marriage.

It’s so self focused, I wonder whether you are explaining your feelings about this properly. Are you a poor communicator? Do you lack assertiveness? Have you told your husband flatly you don’t think this is acceptable or fair? Have you told him youâ€™re not prepared to take it?

As much as I hate ultimatums your husband needs to make a choice for the sake of your marriage. If he can’t do that then you would have good cause to wonder about his investment in your relationship into the future.

Counselling would be a good starting point. But if your husband insists on keeping this woman as a friend then I guess you will need to make choices too.

Have Your Say

I would also like to add that I have been sorting out (ongoing) trust issues with my partner of late and was informed that trusting him again is not my responsibility (it was quite definitely broken, many times in a significant fashion) and that if he wanted me to be able to trust him again - HE needed to prove his trustworthiness and commitment through his actions constantly. I was battling my head for a long time, wondering why I couldnâ€™t be forgiving or have blind trust with him anymore and now I feel as though I have been let off the hook.

Your husband caused the crack in your marriage and it is up to HIM to fix it â€” you just have to be open to let him try. This shift in perception may help him to see where his priorities lay and may help you feel better. You have shown incredible patience and understanding â€” it may help you to realise that itâ€™s okay to be angry and hurt. I wonder if you are suppressing your emotions to try and carry on in your marriage, Iâ€™ll give you a hint â€” it doesnâ€™t work long term.

I am also thinking that his former mistressâ€™s neediness is making him jump through loops. Men like to feel needed and if you are being a pillar of strength then I think he has to see that you need him more and he will shift his focus. He has to cease contact with her and she must not get a job at his place of employment â€” what is he thinking? Itâ€™s clear what SHE is thinking though. He has obviously not made it clear to her that it is over for her to keep pursuing to have him in her life. If she gets mad at not hearing from him for a few days, I am sorry to say but it is not over, maybe it is physically but he is yet to cut the emotional tie and she will keep pushing to rekindle things. I am guessing that it isnâ€™t helpful to demand him to stop but you should tell him that if he continues to maintain contact with her â€” it is causing you to evaluate your relationship with him. Good luck.

This reminds me of when I was first going out with my now husband - he was still in contact with his ex (who broke his heart by the way) they stayed in contact via the phone (she was in England). Over the first 3 months we were dating she called weekly and usually while I was there and they would talk for an hour or more, which I didnt have a problem with - after 3 months I said to him does she even know that I exist and he said no, this was when I had the problem. I asked him why he didnt want her to know about me and he simply said that he didn’t want to hurt her feelings (as she obviously still had feelings for him). I said but your ok to hurt mine. Well didn’t the penny drop then… he looked at me and said he had never thought of it that way. He told her about me the next time they spoke and of course he never really heard from her again. I would put it to your husband that while he is protecting her feelings he is hurting yours… who is more important??… see what his reaction is - if it is indifference then maybe you need to make some big decisions here....

When I first started reading your post, I felt terrible for you....but the more I read, the more it annoyed me that you continue to stick around and play the victim. Yes, initally you were the victim, but you had your chance to be judge and jury and either leave, or kick him out. You decided to do neither of those things, and instead leave it on your husbands shoulders to bring himself back into line.

Well, it seems he hasn’t done that - so what are you going to do now? Continue to be victim?

Heres an idea - why don’t you accept that your husband is a fool, and get the hell out of there. Don’t be a doormat any longer. Let your stupid husband have his stupid ‘friend/mistress’, and let them do whatever they want.

“presence of a philandering mofo such as the man you married” - that’s super harsh.

jhm replied to Lexie
Wed 26 Nov 08 (02:43pm)

Lexie tells it how it is.

jhm replied to Lexie
Wed 26 Nov 08 (02:43pm)

Lexie tells it how it is.

Wow when another female friend tried to kiss me whilst she was drunk once, my girlfriend was mega pissed. I didnâ€™t even have any part of it. She is still angry at the girl for it, who I am still friends with but rarely see.

I cannot fathom a woman who would stand by a cheating partner and then pretty much do nothing when they stay in contact? Do you respect yourself at all? And then she decides to get a job where he works and you think nothing is still going on? Are you just a sucker for punishment?

What a joke… not only is he totally taking the P!ss but he has the greatest way of doing it… You found out about the affair so what better way to still get what he wants then tell you he needs to be friends with the woman that put your marriage on the line in the first place… Leave his sorry ass behind and move onto bigger and better things!!!! He’s a jerk and he’s taking advantage of you!!! I would never ever ever let my man be friends with his mistress… this is beyond wierd and you need to stop it now!

Wow when another female friend tried to kiss me whilst she was drunk once, my girlfriend was mega pissed. I didnâ€™t even have any part of it. She is still angry at the girl for it, who I am still friends with but rarely see.

I cannot fathom a woman who would stand by a cheating partner and then pretty much do nothing when they stay in contact? Do you respect yourself at all? And then she decides to get a job where he works and you think nothing is still going on? Are you just a sucker for punishment?

The tone of your email makes out as if you believe the affair was all the Mistress’ fault. I’m sorry, but your Husband needs to take his fair share of the blame and you almost seem to be making excuses for him (eg. Husband feels guilty about what he did to the Mistress, which is why he is still in contact).

If you honestly believe you have a future with your Husband, even after what he did, then you need to tell him VERY CLEARLY that the Mistress is to have no further contact with your Husband in the future. Then you will change ALL phone numbers (including your home phone number) and take steps to ensure your Husband is behaving.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like your husband is going to change. I would be VERY suprised if the affair has actually ended. Husband may have told you that it has ended, but it certainly doesn’t sound like it (an affair isn’t necessarily physical - it can also be emotional and Husband and Mistress clearly still have it going on emotionally (and probably physically)).

He’s wrong. It still gives him a woody to know she needs him. Whether they’re doing the dirty or not, they might as well be. They’re cultivating a relationship of dependence on one another for attention - she’s making him feel needed, and he’s validating her need by responding. However, it’s not her place to make him feel needed. It’s yours. He needs to pull his head out his arse and decide whether this ‘friend’ is worth his marriage.

His guilt sounds totally misplaced - has he not a greater sense of guilt of what he’s done and is doing to YOU? He sounds like he doesn’t want her mad at him - he wants everyone to be his friend, to have it all, and not have to create a confrontation. Well, IMO, that’s just too bad. Tell him that if he wanted to be friends with her, he should have thought of that before he slept with her.

As for this woman, she has issues to be chasing a cheating husband. Seriously what does she think is going to happen? His going to leave you and be good to her....BAHAHA plllleaseeee!!!

I think a lot of women these days have self esteem issues. They think that they cant get anyone ‘good’ so they settle for jerks because they are too afraid of being alone, therefore they get treated like CRAP there self esteem gets worse and the cycle continues!

Please leave him before he crushes you again, take some time to heal, there is someone out there who will think you are great.

Your husband broked your trust and you’ve done an extraordinarily brave thing in taking him back, an continuing with the relationship. He has a choice, if he wants his marriage to work, he needs to give this woman up completely, no drinks, no emails, no phone calls. Simple really, and you need to tell him that this behaviour is not acceptable under any circumstances. The hide of him is unbelievable, marriage or mistress the choice is his but if I was in your position I would make it extremely clear that HE CANNOT HAVE BOTH.

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