We have always been non-oppressive in our approach to sex, everything is open and honest in our family. I have a loving wife and we both agree that we don't want sex to be secret, dirty or a mystery to our children. We have two sons, a 16yo and a 9yo and a daughter who is 4yo. I've known all of my kids to masturbate and they all know to do so privately in their bedrooms. My niece was in town and I extended an invitation for her to stay the night. She is 19yo and I obviously didn't want to put here in my 16yo sons bedroom. My 4yo daughter was actually having a sleep over at her friends, so my niece slept in her bed, in the same room as my 9yo.

I was working night shift that night and was heading out at around 12pm. I walked past my 9yo sons' bed room and noticed some light coming through a gap in the curtains. A lamp was on, and I looked inside only to be shocked. My niece was giving my 9yo son oral sex! I was about to bang on the window when I thought of the

potential consequences, I had read about studies which found child molestation to not be so harmful as popularly known, and that it's actually the circumstances around being found out that had effect.

I have no reason to believe he would be harmed, it didn't look like rape to me. My sons hips gyrated with pleasure! And he watched intently at his penis and held my nieces head. Honestly I found myself being aroused and decided it best to leave and go to work.

I had a considerable amount of time at work to plan how to handle the situation, but I do want some professional advice to ensure I handled the situation in an acceptable way.

I didn't want to tell the authorities, but I knew that it was unacceptable for this to continue. I told my wife what I saw, and she didn't seem to be phased by it(her father used to fondle her in bed). We decided to talk to both of them separately. The kids were out playing sport(Saturday), and so it was just my niece, myself and my wife. I started by saying how our family was open and liberal about sex, but that we had boundaries. I told her that I saw her having sex with my son, and that she should not do that anymore. I said that we wouldn't tell anyone and that it just

isn't acceptable and she should look for someone more her age. She cried, being discovered but thanked us for being so good about it.

Later in the day my 9yo son was home in his bedroom and I(alone) went to his bedroom, knocked and went it.(He was clothed, but had an erection). I straight out told him that he shouldn't let older girls have sex with him and that I know that his cousin had sex with him. He was stunned that I knew. To balance it out, I asked him if he was forced, he said no, he said that he actually brought sex up. I asked if he enjoyed it and he smiled and said yes. I then reiterated that he must not have sex with an adult again and there would be consequences if he did.

I hope you can advise me, or simply reassure me that I handled the situation correctly. I am confident in my approach but I don't want to risk my kids future.

ANSWER: Hi Joe,

I'm sorry for the delay in answering you, but I needed to get my thoughts in order. I want to help you and your family, but frankly, your question is very disturbing to me.

First, I think it's good that children learn not to be ashamed of their bodies or think sex is dirty. However, there are limits and boundaries that are not just dictated by law, but on child development. I can't fathom where you read that sexual abuse is not so bad and only made worse by people's reactions. There are millions of people who were victims as children, and who never reported the abuse and yet suffered a great deal. And juvenile prisons are filled with teenage sex offenders who had their first sexual experience with a family member at 9 or 10 years old.

Nine year olds do not have the cognitive ability to fully understand sexual relations. The fact that he enjoyed it and doesn't seem traumatized, doesn't make it okay. In fact, the trauma could come later. Or, what concerns me even more, is that because he sees this action more like scratching an itch, he is the perfect target for predators or to victimize others. Which brings me to his 4-year old sister whom I'm very worried about. What if he asks her to take care of is urge. Or a child at school? Giving kids permission to please themselves is fine, but you MUST teach them about boundaries and what's acceptable. Children shouldn't have sex, just like they shouldn't drive, drink or smoke. They don't have the emotional or psychological ability to comprehend the full scale of what they are doing. As a result, it could lead to victimization(their own or on other), venereal disease and pregnancy. Long term emotional and psychological effects are well documented as well. I can't believe a 19 year old girl would go along with a 9 year old's request to give him oral sex. I find it difficult to believe a 9 year old would ask. That is not to say I don't believe it happened, but the fact that it did leads me to believe something isn't right.

It's good that you talked to him about it, BUT you must tell him and all your children that they shouldn't be having sex at all(with an adult or anyone). Their bodies are their own and need to be respected. They need to know they can't ask others to take care of their sexual urges, although they can do it themselves in private. Here's what you need to know: What happened in your home was a crime. The 19 year should be reported. But it's even worse, because by not intervening, you are complicit, which means you could be arrested and/or lose custody of the children. And your wife knows, which makes her complicit now too. I'm telling you this because you need to be clear on how serious this issue is. And you need to have a serious discussion about boundaries with your children and protect your 4 year old from the 9(they shouldn't be sharing a room, even without this incident) and 16 year old. And you need to be prepared for the ramifications.

Leslie, I respect your claimed length of experiences in the social services field. However I don't appreciate your perpetuation of popular misconceptions of childhood sexuality. Children do not need to be protected from sexuality, this has been proven by many dedicated objective researchers. Kinsey being a forerunner. It seems that religion(with no biblical justification) has been the catalyst for sexual oppression of children, with even barbaric masturbation restraints in the last 100 years!

Your reference to millions of victims is hyperbole. Have you considered that people have problems in their life where heath professionals look for and incorrectly blame their childhood sexual experiences? My wife was brought up in a very conservative household and had vaginusmus(we couldn't have sexual intercourse for just over a year). The doctors we saw asked if she had been "abused" as a child. She hadn't, quite the opposite she had been sexually oppressed. Had she encountered some sexual pleasure with another in her childhood, that would have been implicated by the doctor without a second thought!

You said that Jouvinile prisons are filled with teenage sex offenders, this point doesn't support your premise. It definitely means there are horney teenagers without any discipline to control themselves. I don't discount that rape of a child by such an offender would be scary.

My upbringing was quite sexually liberated. I in fact had two sexual encounters, one with a peer and one with a much older teenager. I enjoyed both encounters and have not been adversely affected. My parents were firm enough to disallow me from having sex at a young age to teach me self control as it were. I have experiences and read of a different world to what the consensus perpetuate.

I would imagine that your profession is symptomatic of your view on these matters. You are only called upon when there is cause for concern. When parents have noticed problems. When a child has been raped. Or even not, they may have enjoyed it, but are treated like it should be a trauma.(Like rushing to pick up a child when they bump their knee). You very well may be isolated to view these issues from a negative and small subset of cases.

To report my incident to the police would be very traumatic for everyone involved, including myself, my wife, my niece and my son. People in our wider circle of acquaintances would learn of the incident, and due to the popular and unjustified hysteria over such events, there would be further guilt and shame incurred.

I don't condone what has happened, but I don't run my life by the T.V. I welcome your comments and concern about my son and the possibility of him searching for more sexual encounters. I will transform our study into another bedroom so my 9yo son can have his own room. And most definitely he will not have any girls sleeping in his room anymore.

Please comment if you feel you have anything you wish to add to my comprehension of your answer.

I cannot change you or your family's thoughts around this issue. My experiences in this area are vastly different. And while I think children need straight talk about sexuality, parents need to understand that cognitive development needs to be considered. How your son views and experiences sexual feelings is vastly different from yours. But opinions aside, there is the law. That is not my opinion or attitude. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that despite your beliefs, society has laws regarding this. What happened in your home would be considered child abuse. Failure to stop it and report it could be too. That could mean jail time and/or having the children removed from the home. Again, that's not my opinion, it's the law and I thought you needed to understand the seriousness of this from a legal standpoint as well.

I didn't think you'd report the incident, but I do think you need to know what's at stake and how important it is that your children and niece understand what's appropriate and not. I understand that "appropriate" will be different for you and what society says. You can teach your children what you think is okay around sexuality, but I would encourage you to have them behave in a way that doesn't break the law.