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nno.es A pril 1, 1 9 96 Public Safety authorized to carry semi-automatic weapons CLAYTON AHRENS
has two last names
In an effort to raise the ef­fectiveness
of public safety,
Nighthawks and Public Safety
Officers will be using more
powerful tools to accomplish
their mission starting April 15.
Director of Public Safety Harry
Tafe exclaimed, “We’re all very
excited about the shipment of
semi-automatic weapons that
we will soon be receiving.”
April 15 marks the date
that Public Safety Officers
w i ll commence ca r ry in g
semi-automatic rifles. This
measure is an effort to use
deterrence to provide greater
security to the college com­munity.
A Public Safety of­ficer,
who wishes to remain
anonymous, explained, “Now
that we’ll be packing heat,
students and townies alike
will take us more seriously.”
Previously, only Officer Tony
Brooks was authorized to
carry a weapon.
In addition to the increased
firepower of Public Safety of­ficers,
Nighthawks will also
be gaining greater ability to
enforce campus security. Al­though
a request by the Night-hawk
staff to carry the same
weapons that the officers will
be using was refused by the
Dean of Student Affairs, the
Nighthawks have been
granted authorization to be­gin
using tasers. Integration
of tasers into the Public Safety
arsenal will also begin on April
15. Nighthawk Tianna Coll
explained, “Since the standard-issue
flashlights were getting
the job done, this was the next
logical step.” To dispel grow­ing
concerns that the presence
of tasers on campus could ac­tually
be a threat to student
safety, Director Tafe reassur­ingly
saiti, “The tasers will be
kept on the low-power setting.
At this setting, those struck
would be knocked unconscious,
but their is little chance that
their use will have fatal re­sults.
Although many students ap­plaud
this increased force that
Public Safety will soon be
adapting, others are not so op­timistic.
Student Government
Association (SGA) President
Jennifer Dickens said, “Quite
frankly, I’m alarmed by the
measures tht Public Saftey is
taking; I fear that the pres­ence
of these new weapons will
hurt the College’s reputation
for having a loving, caring at­mosphere.”
She went on to say
that she plans to initiate a ref­erendum
to prevent the aug­mentation
of Public Safety’s
arsenal. Agreeing with
Dickens’ concern, SGA sena­tor
Jim Wood rhetorically
asked, “What will prospective
students think when they see
officers carrying semi-auto­matic
rifles and Night Hawks
brandishing tasers?”
Public Safety also plans to
recruit additional Nighthawks
from the Frisbee Golf Club.
Freshmen member of the club
St. John Hill applauds this de­cision.
“We seem to be so effec­tive
at striking bystanders that
we’re not even trying to hit.
Think of how effective we would
be at hitting offenders that we
were actually aiming for.” Nighthawk Chris Slaght guards the campus with his new
assault rifle. PHOTO BY ELIZABETH ROSE
In sudden reversal, SGA approves proposal for smoke-filled dorms
ANDREW KITCHENMAN
dr.funkenstein
, n Last Tuesday, the Student
Government, in an apparent
change of policy, cancelled
legislation that would have
called for smoke-free resi­dence
halls, and has instead
instituted smke-filled build­ings.
Initial reaction to this
has ranged from shock and
outrage from health-con­cerned
students to cackles of
glee from nicotine addicts.
“The debate was getting
on my nerves, and even I
had to go out for a smoke,”
snarled SGA President Jen
Dickens.
Student feelings were mixed.
A freshman SEAC activist said,
“First the SGA wanted to bring
the Beach Boys down. Now
they are committing all resi­dent
students to a slow hor­rible
death from emphysema.
It really makes you wonder.”
Junior Joseph Camel dis­agreed,
“Now every student
can feel the same rush I get out
of nicotine. You can be sexy
and stylish like me. Buy Camel
brand cigarettes. Especially
you kids out there.”
Much of the faculty is sup­portive
of the idea. Said Pro­fessor
Black Lung, “<ack>.”
How the smoke-filled policy
will be enacted is another mat­ter.
While all agree that brick­ing
in all of the windows is a
good first step, some students
wonder where all the smoke will
come from. Some students have
suggested that cigarettes be
glued to posters and distributed
freely like the highly successful
condom ‘awareness’ program.
“There is no way that ciga­rettes
will produce enough
smoke to fill an entire dorm. I
suggest we build giant bon­fires
from the incredibly ex­pensive,
extremely uncomfort­able
dorm furniture in all of
the lobbies,” said SGA Trea­surer
Erik Norland.
Calvert RHC Matt Hill felt
that the giant bonfires were a
bad idea. “I already spend
enough time fishing dead rac­coons
out of toilets and scrap­ing
human waste off of the
floor to worry about maintain­ing
a giant bonfire all day long,”
said Hill.
Director of Residence Life
Joanne Goldwater suggested
that the smoke be built up by
replacing the water fountains
on each hall with large vats of
burning sulfur. When in­formed
that this would be
poisonous, Goldwater re­sponded
“Excellent. This
smoke thing is getting better
and better.”
Before the smoke plan be­come
law, the SGA will form
a nicotine subcommittee of
the smoke review commit­tee,
which answers to the Ad­dictive
Substance Board,
chaired by the Grand Chan­cellor
Vice President of SGA
Buzz Affairs. They will issue
a report, which will be ig­nored.
There will be a sur­vey.
That will be ignored.
Evans Seafood The College’s Favorite Seafood Restaurant
Nightly Specials Availiable For Any Occasion
(Coming Soon! New Outdoor Deck for Spring)
THIS IS A
REAL AD
St. {JiLand
Snow Crab Leggs are back for all you can eat! . ■■ ■ i '■■■■ ■" .................. ■ ■■ ■■ —
Also availiable: Dungenness Crab and
Chesapeake Bay Blue Crab soon!
New Hours:
(Closed B.
Saturd~
,y's) Tuesday- Friday 4:00 PM - 10:00PM
M - 10:00PM, Sunday 12:00PM - 9:00PM
iThis is A
r e a l A di SENIORS
BEFORE
CAP AND GOWN
ORDERS ARE DUE
TOMORROW.
APRIL a AT THE
CAMPUS STORE
ANNOUNCEMENTS
CAN BE PICKED UP
AFTER APRIL 17
AFTER
GMAT GRE
LSAT MAT
MCAT IMTE
IN THE REFERENCE SECTION
WE HAVE RESUME PAPER
AND WRITING GUIDES.
COME IN AND GET YOUR
CAREER STARTED
HOURS:
Mtni-Thur SarnGpin
Friday 8am-5pm
Saturday lDam-ipm
Sunday Closed
8 6 2 -0 4 2 0
SI Mary's Campus Store is a nonprofit organization
owned and operated by St Mary's College of Md. We’re H e re fo r

nno.es A pril 1, 1 9 96 Public Safety authorized to carry semi-automatic weapons CLAYTON AHRENS
has two last names
In an effort to raise the ef­fectiveness
of public safety,
Nighthawks and Public Safety
Officers will be using more
powerful tools to accomplish
their mission starting April 15.
Director of Public Safety Harry
Tafe exclaimed, “We’re all very
excited about the shipment of
semi-automatic weapons that
we will soon be receiving.”
April 15 marks the date
that Public Safety Officers
w i ll commence ca r ry in g
semi-automatic rifles. This
measure is an effort to use
deterrence to provide greater
security to the college com­munity.
A Public Safety of­ficer,
who wishes to remain
anonymous, explained, “Now
that we’ll be packing heat,
students and townies alike
will take us more seriously.”
Previously, only Officer Tony
Brooks was authorized to
carry a weapon.
In addition to the increased
firepower of Public Safety of­ficers,
Nighthawks will also
be gaining greater ability to
enforce campus security. Al­though
a request by the Night-hawk
staff to carry the same
weapons that the officers will
be using was refused by the
Dean of Student Affairs, the
Nighthawks have been
granted authorization to be­gin
using tasers. Integration
of tasers into the Public Safety
arsenal will also begin on April
15. Nighthawk Tianna Coll
explained, “Since the standard-issue
flashlights were getting
the job done, this was the next
logical step.” To dispel grow­ing
concerns that the presence
of tasers on campus could ac­tually
be a threat to student
safety, Director Tafe reassur­ingly
saiti, “The tasers will be
kept on the low-power setting.
At this setting, those struck
would be knocked unconscious,
but their is little chance that
their use will have fatal re­sults.
Although many students ap­plaud
this increased force that
Public Safety will soon be
adapting, others are not so op­timistic.
Student Government
Association (SGA) President
Jennifer Dickens said, “Quite
frankly, I’m alarmed by the
measures tht Public Saftey is
taking; I fear that the pres­ence
of these new weapons will
hurt the College’s reputation
for having a loving, caring at­mosphere.”
She went on to say
that she plans to initiate a ref­erendum
to prevent the aug­mentation
of Public Safety’s
arsenal. Agreeing with
Dickens’ concern, SGA sena­tor
Jim Wood rhetorically
asked, “What will prospective
students think when they see
officers carrying semi-auto­matic
rifles and Night Hawks
brandishing tasers?”
Public Safety also plans to
recruit additional Nighthawks
from the Frisbee Golf Club.
Freshmen member of the club
St. John Hill applauds this de­cision.
“We seem to be so effec­tive
at striking bystanders that
we’re not even trying to hit.
Think of how effective we would
be at hitting offenders that we
were actually aiming for.” Nighthawk Chris Slaght guards the campus with his new
assault rifle. PHOTO BY ELIZABETH ROSE
In sudden reversal, SGA approves proposal for smoke-filled dorms
ANDREW KITCHENMAN
dr.funkenstein
, n Last Tuesday, the Student
Government, in an apparent
change of policy, cancelled
legislation that would have
called for smoke-free resi­dence
halls, and has instead
instituted smke-filled build­ings.
Initial reaction to this
has ranged from shock and
outrage from health-con­cerned
students to cackles of
glee from nicotine addicts.
“The debate was getting
on my nerves, and even I
had to go out for a smoke,”
snarled SGA President Jen
Dickens.
Student feelings were mixed.
A freshman SEAC activist said,
“First the SGA wanted to bring
the Beach Boys down. Now
they are committing all resi­dent
students to a slow hor­rible
death from emphysema.
It really makes you wonder.”
Junior Joseph Camel dis­agreed,
“Now every student
can feel the same rush I get out
of nicotine. You can be sexy
and stylish like me. Buy Camel
brand cigarettes. Especially
you kids out there.”
Much of the faculty is sup­portive
of the idea. Said Pro­fessor
Black Lung, “.”
How the smoke-filled policy
will be enacted is another mat­ter.
While all agree that brick­ing
in all of the windows is a
good first step, some students
wonder where all the smoke will
come from. Some students have
suggested that cigarettes be
glued to posters and distributed
freely like the highly successful
condom ‘awareness’ program.
“There is no way that ciga­rettes
will produce enough
smoke to fill an entire dorm. I
suggest we build giant bon­fires
from the incredibly ex­pensive,
extremely uncomfort­able
dorm furniture in all of
the lobbies,” said SGA Trea­surer
Erik Norland.
Calvert RHC Matt Hill felt
that the giant bonfires were a
bad idea. “I already spend
enough time fishing dead rac­coons
out of toilets and scrap­ing
human waste off of the
floor to worry about maintain­ing
a giant bonfire all day long,”
said Hill.
Director of Residence Life
Joanne Goldwater suggested
that the smoke be built up by
replacing the water fountains
on each hall with large vats of
burning sulfur. When in­formed
that this would be
poisonous, Goldwater re­sponded
“Excellent. This
smoke thing is getting better
and better.”
Before the smoke plan be­come
law, the SGA will form
a nicotine subcommittee of
the smoke review commit­tee,
which answers to the Ad­dictive
Substance Board,
chaired by the Grand Chan­cellor
Vice President of SGA
Buzz Affairs. They will issue
a report, which will be ig­nored.
There will be a sur­vey.
That will be ignored.
Evans Seafood The College’s Favorite Seafood Restaurant
Nightly Specials Availiable For Any Occasion
(Coming Soon! New Outdoor Deck for Spring)
THIS IS A
REAL AD
St. {JiLand
Snow Crab Leggs are back for all you can eat! . ■■ ■ i '■■■■ ■" .................. ■ ■■ ■■ —
Also availiable: Dungenness Crab and
Chesapeake Bay Blue Crab soon!
New Hours:
(Closed B.
Saturd~
,y's) Tuesday- Friday 4:00 PM - 10:00PM
M - 10:00PM, Sunday 12:00PM - 9:00PM
iThis is A
r e a l A di SENIORS
BEFORE
CAP AND GOWN
ORDERS ARE DUE
TOMORROW.
APRIL a AT THE
CAMPUS STORE
ANNOUNCEMENTS
CAN BE PICKED UP
AFTER APRIL 17
AFTER
GMAT GRE
LSAT MAT
MCAT IMTE
IN THE REFERENCE SECTION
WE HAVE RESUME PAPER
AND WRITING GUIDES.
COME IN AND GET YOUR
CAREER STARTED
HOURS:
Mtni-Thur SarnGpin
Friday 8am-5pm
Saturday lDam-ipm
Sunday Closed
8 6 2 -0 4 2 0
SI Mary's Campus Store is a nonprofit organization
owned and operated by St Mary's College of Md. We’re H e re fo r