Get Your Ball Back

I am loyal, fiercely loyal to be exact. I have a big heart that is capable of dispensing large amounts of love to those I care about in my life. I believe in others, even when others have already given up and/or advised me to do the same. All of these attributes are positive qualities to have, for the most part, but when left to my own devices, they can become a recipe for disaster.

As I sorted through my most recent disaster that came to an unexpected head last week, I became paralyzed physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, as I alternated between beating myself up for not being good enough to receive as much as I gave to this particular relationship and beating myself up for allowing myself to ignore my intuition that tried to save me from myself in this relationship. 2013 was ending exactly as 2012 did, and the self-pity, self-loathing, and self-doubt were the trifecta that triggered my emotional backslide straight into a quicksand of anxiety and depression.

I may not have been smart enough to prevent this latest stumble, but I was smart enough to know that I needed to surround myself with trusted friends and family to help me regain my footing and to get back up one more time. When the negative clamor in my mind becomes deafening, it is the voices of others that sometimes can provide a verbal slap to stop the negative loop running in my brain and snap me out the vicious cycle that consumes me. Over the past week, I have been fortunate to receive some very sage advice and wise words, all of which have helped me to change my perspective about both myself and the situation and have pulled me out of the quicksand back to solid ground to begin to heal. I am on information overload and really could write a book based on the lessons that I have learned recently, but there’s one quote that I simply must share, as it has ended up being one of the phrases that, for whatever reason, has resonated the most for me and become part of my mantra.

On Monday evening, I had the pleasure of spending time with one of my favorite girlies. Anne is funny, stylish, beautiful, bright, vivacious, and outgoing, and I lovingly refer to her as my idol. Any time spent with my idol leaves me smiling and feeling better about myself, and that night was no exception, especially when she offered up this gem in response to my laundry list of everything I had allowed to happen and done wrong in the relationship:

“Kristi, you’ve got to get your ball back.”

Her advice first made me laugh, but as it made its way to both my mind and my heart, it rang true and rang loudly. Ever since hearing Anne’s comment, whenever that negative mental tape begins to play or the anxiety and/or depression threaten another full-on assault, I repeat to myself or even aloud, “Get your ball back!” It reminds me that I cannot change the past or control the future, but I can find power in the present moment and make a better choice. As I continue to manage the anxiety and depression and heal my heart, I have gotten my ball back in the following ways:

Being aware of who and what occupies my mind and my heart.

Allowing myself to grieve.

Indulging in self-pity for no more than twenty minutes/day.

Accepting my role in the relationship, but not accepting sole responsibility for every aspect of it.

Being in the physical presence of others, instead of isolating myself, as I tend to do when the anxiety and depression resurface.

Losing myself in books, music, and prayer, in order to find my way back to myself to the present and to lead me into the future.

Having hope that none of what has happened was meant to hurt me, as God has my best interests at heart.

Learning the lessons that this experience has offered me.

The process of getting my ball back and letting go of the pain of the loss of this relationship is not as clear-cut and easy as simply following all of the advice given to me, but it is a start. I will trust the process, take my ball, and go home, and when the time is right, I will play ball once again.