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Friday, December 26, 2008

Friday, December 26, 2008

I made an exception before to include a Sandra Lee creation here on Wrecks, and I'm afraid I have to do so again. How could I not share this bit of holiday cheer with you all?

Yes, those are corn nuts on the edges, although Lee calls them "acorns". There's also canned apple pie filling, cinnamon chocolate icing, pumpkin seeds, and of course the giant taper candles. Here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy (which offers it as a poster or on t-shirts) in case you didn't catch all that:If you want to watch Sandra work her magic you'll find the official video (with commercials) here, or watch a low-quality Youtube version here.

But wait, there's more! While I was digging around looking for more Kwanzaa Wreckage online (note: there is none) I uncovered a hilarious photo-documentary by Flickr user Kitty LaRoux of her and a friend (aided by an indeterminate amount of bourbon) attempting to recreate the cake. (Her blog post on it is hilarious, too.) The official recipe online includes popcorn in addition to the corn nuts and pumpkin seeds, so the end result - sans candles - ends up looking something like this:

The title of this photo is "We have to eat it?", and the reaction shot after she tries it is pretty priceless. I'm guessing it tastes as bad as it looks, Kitty?

Now, before you guys start complaining that this is not technically a Wreck, let me just say I can only work with what I'm given, alright? I haven't found ANY other Kwanzaa wreckage out there. In fact, I'm starting to think that this African festival of First Fruits is somehow anti-cake; that, or they're being made extremely well and kept in strict seclusion. Here's hoping that next year wreckerators will step it up. ;)

Wow, I'm actually the 1st! This is just awesomely wrecktastic. Sandra Lee is a joke to the culinary world, imo. Who ever would even think to put CORN NUTS on a cake needs to be whomped upside the head.. lol.

The first one looks like a cake from the TV show Firefly. Though the cake on the show was made by a spaceship mechanic using protein. Here is the best picture I could find. http://www.moviemistakes.com/picture68902

What IS it about winter holidays and the gross fruity cakes they bring us? Christmas has fruitcake (just Ew), Chanukah has sufganiyot (otherwise known as jelly-filled donuts fried in oil. Bleh.) Now there is Kwanzaa, new to many of us, and with it comes a new taste treat: slimy apple-filled pumpkinseed-popcorn-cornnut abomination. I vote we start a new holiday (Winter Cakefest, maybe?) and designate an appropriately delicious (and hard to wreck) cake to go with it. NO FRUIT! NONE!

word verification: rerspr: the involuntary noise you make while trying not to vomit on your keyboard while viewing the Kwanzaa cake.

Maybe it's all on purpose. Maybe Semi-Homemade is a kind of propaganda engine that is intended to convince people that if you want good food you'll have to do some real work and not just cobble together things you got at the supermarket. In that way it acts as a kind of advertising for other Food Network shows, which all advocate actually putting some effort into cooking.

It's like when you're mom tells you that, sure, you can go out in the snow with no coat on if you want to catch pneumonia and freeze to death. Sandra Lee just wants everyone to know that it's perfectly okay to buy a bunch of ready-made stuff at the last second and slap it together in an attempt to look like something homemade, as long as you don't care that it won't taste any better than store-bought and everybody will know what you did anyway.

First of all, canned apple pie filling should be made illegal.Second of all, what, exactly, IS that slab of crap on the top, anchoring the candles in place so that they don't topple over? The diagram points this out to be the pie filling, and yet it looks like some weird colored Play-Doh, and is completely unappetizing. Corn nuts are not acorns (acorns are way cuter). Might as well have used actual acorns; no one's going to want to actually eat that abomination, anyway. Last, but not least, Lee is a bad joke; I have a suggestion as to what she can do with those candles, but I won't say it in polite company.=^()()^=

I actually got to watch this episode when I was home sick last week. I have been talking about this cake to my friends for days. If this woman can have a cooking show on TV, then certainly I could have one. Please... using canned icing on a store-bought cake? Genius.

In the spirit of laziness, let me delight you with one of my favorite recipes:

Wash and trim 5 stalks of celeryCut celery into 3 inch-long pieces.Arrange celery on a platePour ranch dressing into small bowlPut bowl of dressing on plate with celery

Holy Smokes. That thing looked disgusting! How on earth do canned frosting, cocoa, cinnamon, angelfood cake, friggin' corn nuts, and canned apple pie filling end up on the same plate? There is no way this "cake" could have passed muster in any kind of recipe testing. And don't get me started on canned frosting. No excuse for it whatsoever! People--frosting is the easiest thing to make in the kitchen, with the exception of boiled water!

Kwanzaa is supposed to celebrate the harvest, so I never really understood why the hell it's in December and not October(this is only one reason why I don't celebrate it). I mean, WTF?

I remember the first time I saw this cake on Semi-Homemade. I think I wanted to go thru the screen and strangle her! It was(and still is) such a travesty that I considered her the bane of Food Network's existence.

Then I made her gingerbread cookies this year and I had to shut up. *lol*

But I think this totally counts as a wreck. It's wrong to the nth degree!

Every time I describe this cake to people, their jaws drop. Its horror needs to spread as far and wide as possible. (By the way, it's no longer a Kwanzaa Cake on the Food Network website; it's now a "Harvest Cake" so it can nauseate everyone all autumn long!)

How is it this woman, who I'm assuming (and most likely correctly) doesn't now SQUAT about Kwanzaa be allowed to make a "cake" commemorating it?? This woman needs to keep the frack out of the kitchen. I've seen her show a total of twice and the only thing she does semi-correctly was the cocktails. She seems to have left out the Valium that usually accompanies it though...What a douche

When you said that you were making an "exception" to include the cake, at first I thought you were referring to the Sunday exception where you feature non-wreck cakes, so I scrolled down to see the non-Wreck Kwanzaa cake.

I blinked at it, thinking as charitably as I could, "Well, it doesn't have the ... style, and uh, smooth perfection that the non-wreck cakes usually do, but I don't know anything about Kwanzaa nor much about cake decorating. Maybe I'm missing something that makes this cake great." I carefully examined the anatomical diagram, the trimming and the list of ingredients before it dawned on me that you weren't trying desperately to be culturally sensitive, and that when you said that you couldn't find any Kwanzaa wrecks, you meant by commercial bakeries.

They both look like they'd taste horrible! Sandra had to have come up with that idea when she was a bit too tipsy, right? Right? I can't imagine that anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa would think it was a good idea.

Seriously, the title of the show might as well be.... "Leftovers and pantry scraps".... whoever watches that for good ideas needs more help than the Food Network can offer.... just stop and buy a dozen donuts... your guests would appreciate them more! :)

No Kwanza Wreckage? Oh, I think not. In fact, that Sandra Lee monstrosity is about as wrecky as it gets. Now, I must disclaim because I think she does fine with her niche area (sorry, but there IS an audience out there for shortcut meal ideas), but her desserts are almost entirely gag-worthy. Case-in-point this Kwanza thing. Does mud pie come to anyone else's mind here? Gross.

I'm still trying to "taste" that chocolate/cinnamon thing in my head...and WHY would you add vanilla to vanilla frosting? Isn't that a given? I can't imagine where she came up the idea of yukky canned apple filling. The candles alone are horrific!!! This is an unimaginable and totally disgusting(urp)WRECK.

Oh my tummy hurts just looking at it! If you serve this cake at a gathering of friends or family, be sure to check all your flower pots and wastebaskets after - people didn't really gobble it up that fast. Oh, and keep the number of the vet handy, too.

ok, even though other cakes have looked truly hideous with their spelling, choice of colors, and lack of decorating talent...THIS cake actually made my nauseous. the idea of eating popcorn and corn nuts on a cake...*shiver*...is just wrong. it's right up there with the meat "cake"!!

Cocoa, sweet spices, and grated apples combine nicely in one of the only cakes I bother to make entirely from scratch. (I think combining may be the concept this cake is missing.) Maybe there would be more Kwanzaa wrecks if it were a festival of First Cakes rather than First Fruits.

This cake is embarrassing, darn near insulting. How was she allowed to name this after Kwanzaa? Have I missed something? Shame Cake is better. And I really liked Sandra Lee with all her shortcomings, I mean, short cutting recipes.

Of course, when I think of harvest festivals, I think of wealthy white women.

To be fair, I liked the idea with the sheetcake on the sheetcake only for having children at a party decorate a cake (Certainly not to substitute for a wedding cake or for anything other then having kids help decorate).

But this is horrendous. It's like she wanted to combine the ingredients with the least amount of effort possible.

I think this monstrosity is appropriately wrecktastic! Who said a wreck had to "look" wreck-y? The combos thrown together for this doozy make me think she took darts into her pantry and just started throwing randomly. "Hm, Corn Nuts on a cake? Well, if the darts say so..."

Cinnamon and chocolate are good together. Cinnamon and apples are good together. Vanilla and chocolate are good together.

The trouble arises when the corn nuts arrive at the party, and it's exacerbated by the fact that neither canned frosting nor canned apple-pie filling are really edible.

And whatever possessed her to put it on an ANGEL food cake? (Not that corn nuts and pepitas are going to go over like anything but a lead balloon as cake decor, no matter what kind of cake/frosting you sprinkle them over.)

Oh yes, that was from the episode where she made a festive angel food cake for each of the three major December holidays - Kwanzaa, Hannukah and winter. (She left out Christmas.)The Hannukah cake was frosted with blue icing and she made a star of David out of a wire strung with pearls. The winter cake was just coated with canned frosting and coconut.It was a seriously painful episode - I can remember watching it with my old roommate and the two of us screaming in disbelief at the screen at what she was going to do next... and then being sadly correct.

That cake is vile. As for Sandra Lee, I keep waiting for her to catch on fire, because she never pushes back her billowing sleeves in the kitchen. (Mind you, I won't WATCH for her to catch on fire, but I wait for the news report.) I figure she's pickled in enough ETOH she should go up like a Roman Candle. THAT will be punishment enough for all the travesties she's inflicted on the culinary world...

I just have to say that the only time I've ever eaten corn nuts was when they were served with ceviche (raw fish or other seafood "cooked" in lemon, for those of you who don't know). So their presence on this cake is uber confusing - and even more icky - to me...

Word verification: fulfpe, the sound of the bile at the back of my throat upon reading the ingredients list for this Kwanzaa treasure

OH. MY. HELL. I watched the little video. I thought certainly it couldn't be true. But there you have it. First off, I'm appalled she had the audacity to call it "gorgeous." It really is an eye sore, isn't it? And "DELICIOUS"? Really? With all those flavors together, I'd think it'd taste more like...umm...vomit? Honestly, corn nuts with cinnamon-chocolate icing and apple pie filling?! HOY! (That's my dry-heaving sound.)

The ONLY positive thing about this cake is that it's easy to decorate. Although I'd be embarrassed to show it to anybody.

Okay, do you know how horrifying this was to me? I didn't even -know- you could buy canned apple pie filling. Ugh, my teeth hurt just thinking about the amount of sugar they dump in with them. This is obviously a "food device" created by the same fiends who concocted canned "frosting".

This has got to be the biggest wreck yet. And ahe is a professional, since she gets paid to assemble ingredients to make "food" and "desserts."

Emily, you should pitch that celery recipe to Food Network!

Besides all the comments already said...

My husband eats corn nuts, they are nearly inedible to me. They seriously hurt my teeth they are so hard. It makes my teeth hurt imagining biting into one amidst cake!!!And what Idiot would call them acorns!?!?!? Acorns???Who doesn't know what an acorn is? Acorns are too bitter to eat without some major processing efforts, and you would sprinkle whole acorns on a cake!

WHY is she calling them acorns? This is really bothering me. Does anyone have the video of the press conference she (should have) had to apologize for this travesty and to explain why she doesn't know the difference in an inedible squirrel treat and a convenience store husband treat??

THAT woman (not said in a sexist way) has a television show?! Was there nobody else involved with the show kind enough to say this cake is a bad idea, let's try something else. OR were they all as crazy as her?

I love this site. There are so many ways to screw something up by accident. But what is really amazing is when a person makes something like the Kwanzaa cake which is just so wrong on so many levels and does not realize how bad it is.

"Kwanzaa is supposed to celebrate the harvest, so I never really understood why the hell it's in December and not October(this is only one reason why I don't celebrate it). I mean, WTF?"

I remember reading (back in the 80's or early 90's) that Kwanzaa was placed after Christmas when created, to encourage black children (and adults) to stop focusing on the **materialism** of Christmas as celebrated by the white majority of that time--to lead them to develop a strong sense of ethnic identity as being part of a community, and understanding how they contribute to community. If you know the history of the Civil Rights movement in the 1960's you know that many black people were poor in the 1960s, and the kids were getting the idea that it was better to be white than black (see "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison) because, on TV and in the press, white people had beautiful homes and got all these great gifts at Christmas and so on, and could buy anything they wanted, and black people got little or nothing because that is what they could afford. So Kwanzaa focuses attention on community and ability.

Anyway, you could technically be harvesting till November, so this would be the time you rest from labors and make those homemade gifts and so on.

After showing the vid to my husband, I foolishly asked him what flavor combination could be worse - he suggested "What if she glazed it with maple syrup?" Never ask a husband a question you don't want to hear an answer to!

That woman is a menace, how did she get a show on FN? Cable access is probably too much exposure for her "recipes."

Some of what she does is ok, but the cakes need to stop. My wrecky favorite is her "Noel Cake." It is hideous and can be seen here, make sure to click on the enlarge button: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/noel-cake-recipe/index.html

I agree that anything Sandra Lee does is a qualified wreck- even if its not a cake! Have you featured the "Christmas Tree" cake she made? I haven't looked around your entire site- but that one is a gem.

NO! The first cake for today (12/24/09) is "Angel Food Cake with Mixed Berries". Guess how you make it? Take a store-bought angel-food cake, take some berries and sugar, mash berries and sugar together, then pour them on the cake. Genius! Innovative! --Huh? Oh yes, I guess she is a generous dab of whipped cream short of a strawberry shortcake.

I understand if FN tries to attract non-cooks, but I didn't realize that combining ingredients in a bowl was so radical. By golly, I could do a half-hour show on the caramelized pairing of pancake syrup and peanut butter! I must be in the wrong biz.

Oddly enough, I remember her doing a similar cake years ago. It also involved a store-bought angel food cake. And pale blue icing. The kind of pale blue you might get if you mixed Drano with pure white icing. Yeah. That covered the cake. It was a Hanukkah cake. It's in the same episode as the Kwanzaa cake. I think my favorite part is when she forcefully stuffs marshmallows into the center of the cake with the frosting laden knife. *Shudder*

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