15 definitions
by
joshua b. wright

An inability to articulate one's thoughts or ideas, resulting in significant psychological distress and frustration.

Typically, this form of cognitive impaction is self-resolving. However, in cases where productive interchange with the afflicted is urgently needed, a deadline may be administered; indeed, this has proven to be one of the most effective treatments for stubborn cases of mental constipation.

Any of a number of conditions characterized by the involuntary suspension of mental processes crucial to self-expression and/or higher reasoning.

Cases of cognitive impaction can frequently be identified by inarticulate attempts at discourse, extended guttural utterances, slack-jaws and bugged out eyes on the part of the afflicted. Treatments are highly specific to each variety of cognitive impaction and range from a slap "upside" the head to a deadline in the most severe cases.

"Overwhelmed at the prospect of having the bounty of an entire doughnut shop all to himself, Homer immediately suffered a massive cognitive impaction that reduced him to little more than a drooling mass of manflesh."

Often cited as one of the worst video games ever made, Bible Adventures was a 2D platforming title produced for the NES by the now infamous video game company Color Dreams while doing business under the name of "Wisdom Tree Software."

In truth, Bible Adventures was merely a sub-par NES game that probably would have faded away into pop culture oblivion were it not for the notoriety of its development house and one acutely humorous game play quirk that made it possible to drown baby Moses.

"In my estimation, Episode II is the Bible Adventures of the silver screen."

"The plan was flawless, and the Pope himself made a huge blue hat out of the strangely colored Bible Adventures cartridges. He was happy his sheep were finally able to praise Jesus through three gloriously unplayable games on a single baby blue colored NES cartridge!" - Sean Baby

In the vain of ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US, this obscure pop-culture ejaculation finds its origin in the now notorious NES platformer Bible Adventures. A quirk of the game's mechanics enabled the player, otherwise entrusted with the safe conveyance of the baby Moses across the Nile, to commit a most heinous act of infanticide by tossing the little fellow in the drink. The player would then be admonished at the conclusion of the mission that he or she had "forgotten baby Moses" - no doubt to the delight of the thousands of disgruntled children inclined to such acts of violence by being forced to play Bible Adventures instead of a real video game.

As an expression, its variety in use is exceeded only by its capacity to offend. Generally, however, "Drown Baby Moses" is employed referentially in comparisons with gaffes of a similar nature; in disputes over which video game gaffe is the worst, it is often invoked as a trump card.

"You think THAT'S bad? Well, I have three words for you my friend: Drown Baby Moses."

Best known for its exploits as a rogue NES developer, Color Dreams was the only third party software company to produce unlicensed NES carts without being successfully sued. By employing an embarrassingly simple hack, Color Dreams engineers were able to create game carts that bypassed the NES's authentication circuitry without violating Nintendo's intellectual property.

This isn't to say that Color Dreams was a success, mind you; aside from its creative hacking practices, Color Dreams is probably most famous as the development house that gave birth to the notorious Bible Adventures - a gaudy slog through Old Testament cliches notable only for what may well be the biggest gaffe in the history of gaming.

Amazingly enough, Color Dreams dwindles on under its subsidiary, "Wisdom Tree Software." Indeed, game collectors and those of morbid curiosity should take note that as of this writing, it was even possible to order Color Dreams titles through a 1-800 number. A bit of googling should reveal the specifics - contact information has been withheld here in the interests of the innocent.