Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 31
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Cedar Park woman, who stole wine
to follow boyfriend to jail
Details at BoneheadsToday, in
From the History section at the bottom:
1994 A cease-fire was declared by the Irish Republican Army
after 25 years of bloodshed in Northern Ireland.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

It's so much easier to suggest solutions
when you don't know too much about the problem.
--- Malcolm Forbes (1919 - 1990)
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled
and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he
responded this way:
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures,
AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong,
she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
TAVURVUR VOLCANO Papua New Guinea
Blew it's top on Friday

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Alicia Walicke, 22, Cedar Park, Texas
Cedar Park woman stole wine
to follow boyfriend to jail
A woman told police she stole a bottle of cheap wine from
a Cedar Park gas station so she could get arrested and
see her boyfriend in the Williamson County Jail, according
to a warrant.
Cedar Park resident Alicia Walicke, 22, was charged with
theft. Police found her Wednesday next to a Shell gas
station at 1405 Whitestone Blvd. drinking a $3.99 bottle
of Mad Dog 20/20 she had just stolen from the station,
the warrant said.
“Walicke advised her boyfriend was arrested earlier that
evening by Cedar Park Officers and it was her fault so she
wanted to make things right and go to jail,” according to
the warrant.
Mad Dog 20/20 is a slang word for a cheap wine made by
Mogen David. Walicke has two previous convictions for theft,
the warrant said. She was previously charged with assault
against a public servant in March when she bit a Cedar Park
police officer’s arm while officers were trying to restrain
her after she became combative when they responded to a
call about her making suicidal threats, a warrant said.
Police believed she was under the influence of an unknown
drug and were trying to get her medically evaluated, the
warrant said.
Walicke was released from the Williamson County Jail
Friday after posting bond on bail set at $5,000, according
to court records.

Tech Support Pits
From: Emily
Re: How do you recognize PayPal scams?
Dear Webby
How could you jump that quickly to decide that the mail Len
got was a scam? Couldn't it have been from PayPal after all?
Emily
Dear Emily
I have dealt with PayPal for 14 or 15 years. They never send
notices about anything expiring. They send notices about
transactions, or notices, that you should log in and check
this or that. However, PayPal NEVER sends a link in email.
With MailWasher I see the real URL underlying links, and
usually MailWasher recognizes those scams and flags them for
deleting. Over the years I have seen countless of those
scams, neatly flagged for deleting. Some of them are really
funny, for example if they send an expiry notice to
unsubscribe@webby.com, or to abuse@webby.com.
Of course I don't waste time replying and inviting the
scammer to show up at my door and collect some abuse, but
I get a chuckle out of them anyway.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Shucking Corn
Cut off both ends of the corn. Peel off all but 2 -3 layers
of the husk. Then either steam for 8 - 10 minutes (depending
on how many ears you have) or wrap in a damp towel and
microwave for 1 1/2 - 2 minutes per ear. Using a clean
towel or pot holder, peel the rest of the husk off. The
silk will easily rub off with the husk. Be careful, the
ear is hot.
Source: This was on a youtube video
By Judy Dreyer [4]
If you like your corn tender but juicy enough, so that
it sprays a bit when you chew it off the cob, there is a
much easier way!
Microwave or boil the corn whatever length of time your
equipment takes.
Cut off the stem end at the largest diameter point.
Grab the corn at the opposite end with a pot holder,
lift it up and squeeze. You may have to gently shake it
a bit to help it slide out. The cob will slide down and
out onto a plate without ANY silk or leaves.
Salt and pepper, and enjoy!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and
play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
that he used to do. When the examination was complete,
he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a
lazy old fart."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so
I can tell my wife."

Today in
1823 Ferdinand VII was restored to the throne of Spain
when invited French forces entered Cadiz. The event is known
as the Battle of Trocadero.
1887 The kinetoscope was patented by Thomas Edison. The device
was used to produce moving pictures.
1935 The act of exporting U.S. arms to belligerents was
prohibited by an act signed by U.S. President Roosevelt.
1962 The Caribbean nations Tobago and Trinidad became
independent within the British Commonwealth.
1964 California officially became the most populated state
in America.
1980 Poland's Solidarity labor movement was born with an
agreement signed in Gdansk that ended a 17-day strike.
1989 Great Britain's Princess Anne and Mark Phillips announced
that they were separating. The marriage was 16 years old.
1990 East and West Germany signed a treaty that meant the
harmonizing of political and legal systems.
1991 Uzbekistan and Kirghiziz declared their independence
from the Soviet Union. They were the 9th and 10th republics
to announce their plans to secede.
1991 In a "Solidarity Day" protest hundreds of thousands
of union members marched in Washington, DC.
1993 Russia withdrew its last soldiers from Lithuania.
1994 A cease-fire was declared by the Irish Republican Army
after 25 years of bloodshed in Northern Ireland.
1994 Russia officially ended its military presence in the
former East Germany and the Baltics after a half-century.
1998 A ballistic missile was fired over Japan by North Korea.
The missile landed in stages in the waters around Japan.
There was no known target.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 30
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Woman responsible for previous DWI Death
Arrested For Third DWI This Summer
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Today, in
A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry
and by common hatred of its neighbors.
--- William Ralph Inge (1860 - 1954)
A child of five would understand this.
Send someone to fetch a child of five.
--- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up
- they have no holidays.
--- Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
--- Don Marquis
>From Lillemor
Hey, I just read that the reason they are not arresting
any LOOTERS in Ferguson is because Eric Holder's Justice
Department has reclassified them.
They are not LOOTERS anymore.
They are now UNDOCUMENTED SHOPPERS
The following items have NOT been stolen by the looters
in Ferguson:
Pens, pencils, resume kits, work boots, work gloves, work
coveralls, father’s day cards and books.
>From Moe
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for
many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife
puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can
they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only
to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood
gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Wow Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your
wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home
yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came
up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,
'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new
lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey'
and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had
candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs,
and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So . . . . here I am!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Jo Jackson, 53, FAYETTEVILLE, AR
Woman responsible for previous DWI Death
Arrested For Third DWI This Summer
Jo Jackson, a Fayetteville woman previously convicted in
a DWI death was arrested Sunday for the third time this
summer on suspicion of driving while intoxicated, according
to the Fayetteville Police Department.
Jo Jackson, 53, was arrested Sunday afternoon on suspicion
of several misdemeanor charges, including DWI, reckless
driving, expired vehicle licensing and driving on a
suspended license. A preliminary arrest report states she
had a .21 blood-alcohol level at the time of her arrest.
Her arraignment is set for Sept. 22, according to the report.
Police on Sunday responded near College Avenue and Cleburn
Street in reference to a vehicle that was swerving and
stopping in the middle of the lanes meant for oncoming
traffic, according to a preliminary report. An officer
stopped the vehicle, but Jackson, the driver, had no license
to give him, the report states.
The reporting officer said he could smell alcohol on Jackson,
and her speech was slurred. Also, the license plate on her
vehicle expired in April, the preliminary report states.
Jackson failed a field sobriety test, even though she was
wearing pants this time, and officers found an open, half
full bottle of Sutter Home wine in the vehicle’s center
console, according to the report.
Jackson’s license was suspended after she was convicted in
the September 2011 death of veteran Fayetteville road worker
Jackie Luper, 51, on Joyce Boulevard. She told officers she
had taken prescription medications prior to the incident.
Her 12-year-old daughter was in the car at the time,
officials said.
Following her negligent homicide conviction in June 2012,
Jackson received a sentence of time served and was sentenced
to no further jail or prison time, according to court records.
She was also sentenced to 12 months of probation, which she
fulfilled in June 2013, records show.
The city renamed the section of Joyce Boulevard from
College Avenue to Crossover Road the honorary Jack Luper
Boulevard.
Jackson was arrested Aug. 8 in a separate instance on
suspicion of DWI, driving on a suspended license, reckless
driving, having no proof of insurance and violating implied
consent. She later posted a $2,000 bond out of the Washington
County Detention Center, according to the Sheriff’s Office.
Her arraignment in that case is set for Sept. 5.
During that incident, police said Jackson admitted to
drinking half a bottle of wine and taking Hydrocodone and
Adavan prescription medications. Open wine containers were
also found in the vehicle, the preliminary report states.
Jackson failed a field sobriety test and was arrested and
transported to jail, police said.
Prior to that arrest, Jackson was also arrested June 8 on
suspicion of DWI. The arresting officer in the case said
she was not wearing pants or underwear during the field
sobriety test. Jackson was booked into jail and released
several hours later on $1,780 bond, according to the
Sheriff’s Office.
She's driving again.

Tech Support Pits
From: Len
Re: PayPal expiring?
Dear Webby
Got this:
Subject: We inform you that your Account PayPal expires in
less than 48 hours
From: service@intl.PayPal.com
Is this for real or another scam?
PLMK.
Thanks.
Len
Dear Len
Typical scam.
Delete it and forget it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning Artificial Plants and Flowers
I spray Febreze generously onto the whole flower/foliage
arrangement, tree, etc. This works just as well as
commerical cleaners made specifically for silk flowers.
Just spray, no wiping necessary. And you can choose
the scent (or no scent) of your choice.
By 2ndsight [1]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

>From Rosie
When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University,
I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on
his fingers to remind him. A good sport, he didn't protest,
even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders.
One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and
emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a
white bandage. When he walked into class, everyone just stared.
Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you
to remember today, it must be REALLY important."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.
However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

Today in
1146 European leaders outlawed the crossbow.
1645 American Indians and the Dutch made a peace treaty at
New Amsterdam. New Amsterdam later became known as New York.
1682 William Penn sailed from England and later established
the colony of Pennsylvania in America.
1780 General Benedict Arnold secretly promised to surrender
the West Point fort to the British army.
1809 Charles Doolittle Walcott first discovered fossils
near Burgess Pass. He named the site Burgess Shale after
nearby Mt. Burgess.
1862 The Confederates defeated Union forces at the second
Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, VA.
1941 During World War II, the Nazis severed the last
railroad link between Leningrad and the rest of the
Soviet Union.
1945 General Douglas MacArthur set up Allied occupation
headquarters in Japan.
1951 The Philippines and the United States signed a
defense pact.
1956 In Louisianna, the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway opened.
1960 A partial blockade was imposed on West Berlin by
East Germany.
1963 The "Hotline" between Moscow and Washington, DC,
went into operation.
1982 P.L.O. leader Yasir Arafat left Beirut for Greece.
1991 The Soviet republic of Azerbaijan declared independence
1994 Rosa Parks was robbed and beaten by Joseph Skipper.
Parks was known for her refusal to give up her seat on a
bus in 1955, which sparked the civil rights movement.
1994 The largest U.S. defense contractor was created when
the Lockheed and Martin Marietta corporations agreed
to a merger.
1996 An expedition to raise part of the Titanic failed when
the nylon lines being used to raise part of the hull snapped.
1999 The residents of East Timor overwhelmingly voted for
independence from Indonesia. The U.N. announced the result
on September 4.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 26
Today I have to go to Calgary for more injections into my
eyeballs. That means no newsletters for 2-3 days afterwards.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Texas babysitter, who set fire
to home of 'disrespectful' kids
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1973 A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made
August 26th Women's Equality Day. (August 24 is "Go Topless Day")

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm
our worst suspicions about them.
--- Franklin P. Adams
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Creeeesscohhhh!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is
in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking
stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that
when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lardo."
A synagogue had just opened for business while at the same
time a Catholic church opened across the street. After some
time the Rabbi noticed that a convent had been added to the
church, More time later a Catholic school was built, then a
gymnasium.
Concerned the Rabbi called together his staff and expressed
his concern, "We've been here the same amount of time as
our neighbors and look, they've grown while we still have
our same small temple - what are we doing wrong?"
And so it was decided, they'd send Morris to attend a service
on Sunday and check out what was going on over there.
Sunday comes and all the men from the congregation are
peeking thru the windows as Morris enters the church.
Not 15 minutes later and Morris comes flying across the street,
yelling and waving his arms.
"So what happened?" says the Rabbi
"Oy, you wouldn't believe it" says Morris "I go into the church,
I sit down, then from the left a guy in a dress comes out unto
the stage and he's chanting
"I can play dominoes better than you can - I can play dominoes
better than you can", then from the right of the stage some
young boys swinging incense followed by another guy in a dress
starts chanting "I bet you don't - I bet you don't" then back and
forth they go "I can play dominoes better than you can -
-I bet you don't", then from outta' the back four men in black
suits come down the aisles and pick up the bets !!!"
Thanks to Jean for sending this:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Martha Dreher, 57, Austin, Texas
Texas babysitter, who set fire
to home of 'disrespectful' kids
A Texas babysitter was arrested after setting fire to the
house of children she said “lacked respect.”
Martha Dreher, 57, has pleaded not guilty to arson charges,
ABC reported Saturday. The house fire occurred on August 9
at an Austin home belonging to Glenn Williams.
Dreher had been babysitting Williams’ four children -- two
preteen girls and 5-year-old twin boys -- for several months,
KVUE reports. On the night of August 9, the daughters were
on vacation with their father, and Dreher was watching the
two boys at their mother’s house, according to the
American-Statesman.
The babysitter told police that she went to Williams’
residence at about 9 p.m. to get some popcorn. Police say
that security cameras show that the fire started about 25
minutes after she got there, and that the blaze was
escalating as the babysitter drove away.
Dreher allegedly told cops she “never saw a fire.”
Williams told KVUE that his teenage son noticed the fire
when he returned home that night, and that whoever set it
had closed the doors of the girls’ bedrooms as if to
contain the fire to those rooms.
“It was definitely a vendetta against the two girls," the
children’s father told KVUE. “Before I left, she had taken
the girls clothes shopping, and she said that it was
horrible, that my oldest had been very disrespectful to her
and she didn't think it was a good match and she probably
didn't want to do this anymore."
Though Drehey denied setting any fires, she allegedly
described the girls to investigators as “out of control,
lacking respect for her and having disciplines issues,”
according to documents obtained by The Statesman.

Tech Support Pits
From: Bree (like Brie, but sweeter)
Re: Icon text background
Dear Webby
How can I get rid of the ugly icon text background in
Windoze 7? You showed me once how to do it in XP, but I
have long forgotten how to do that.
Thanks
Bree
Dear Bree
It is a ridiculous rigmarole in Windows 7, just like it
was in XP. You might want to print this out or keep it open.
1) MyComputer
2) Control Panel
3) System
4) Advanced System Settings
5) Advanced
6) Performance Settings
7) Scroll down to the second last checkbox: Use drop shadows
for icon labels on the desktop
8) Put a checkmark in there
9) Hit OK
10) Hit OK until you are out of that thilly wigmarole.
Yes, I agree it is absolutely moronic to hide a necessary
function that far down.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
2 Ingredient Pancakes
Who knew you could make yummy pancakes with just 2
ingredients? All it takes is one banana and two eggs.
These gluten free discs might not taste exactly like your
standard pancake, but once you try them, you will be
hooked. Sweet, custardy and guilt-free!
Approximate Time: 10 minutes
Yield: 10 mini pancakes
Ingredients:
1 banana, peeled
2 eggs
Steps:
Mix the banana and eggs together to make a batter.
Cook mini pancakes in a pan, as you would when making
regular pancakes.
By attosa [103]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Bob moved into an apartment and went shopping for cleaning
equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan,
sponges and a full array of cleaning products.
At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase
-- a large bag of potato chips.
Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained,
"I'm a very messy eater."
Nine year old Little Johnny, was asked by his mother what he
had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission, to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build
a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then
he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge so that the cops could
not follow them, and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?"
his mother asked, scornfully.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it."

Today in
55 B.C. Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius Caesar.
1498 Michelangelo was commissioned to make the "Pieta."
1847 Liberia was proclaimed as an independent republic.
1896 In the Philippines an insurrection began against the
Spanish government.
1934 Adolf Hitler demanded that France return the Saar
region to Germany. It had been awarded to France after WWI
1937 All Chinese shipping was blockaded by Japan.
1939 The first televised major league baseball games were shown.
The event was a double-header between the Cincinnati Reds
and the Brooklyn Dodgers.
1945 The Japanese were given surrender instructions on the
U.S. battleship Missouri at the end of World War II.
1957 It was announced that an intercontinental ballistic
missile was successfully tested by the Soviet Union.
1957 The first Edsel made by the Ford Motor Company rolled
of the assembly line.
1961 The International Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto opened.
1973 A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made
August 26th Women's Equality Day.
1978 Sigmund Jahn blasted off aboard the Russian Soyuz 31 and
became the first German in space.
1981 The U.S. claimed that North Korea fired an antiaircraft
missile at a U.S. Surveillance plane while it was over
South Korea.
1987 The Fuller Brush Company announced plans to open two
retail stores in Dallas, TX. The company that had sold its
products door to door for 81 years.
1990 The 55 Americans at the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait left
Baghdad by car and headed for the Turkish border.
1991 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev promised that
national elections would be held.
1992 A "no-fly zone" was imposed on the southern 1/3 of
Iraq. The move by the U.S., France and Britain was aimed
at protecting Iraqi Shiite Muslims.
1998 The U.S. government announced that they were
investigating Microsoft in an attempt to discover if
they "bullied" Intel into delaying new technology.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is SMonday, August 25
Tuesday, Aug 26, I will have to go to Calgary for more
injections into my eyeballs. That means no newsletters
for 2-3 days afterwards.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Montana man who called 911 to complain that a
stripper would not have sex with him
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1972 In Great Britain, computerized axial tomography
(CAT scan) was introduced.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
--- Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894)
Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm
our worst suspicions about them.
--- Franklin P. Adams
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with
water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door
was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on
the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the
pail and emptied it into his sink, he exclaimed,
"You crazy guys actually thought you could fool me with
THAT old gag!"
It was then he realized that we had removed the drainpipe
under the sink and turned the "U" trap to point at his
crotch.
BACK IN MY DAY
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to
the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our
heads.
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get
all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the
crummy moon.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had
to do addition on our fingers.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was
perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed,
razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax,
you had to kill him with a shovel.
Thanks to Jean for sending this:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
William McDaniel,53, Butte, Montana
Man Calls 911 To Complain That Stripper
Would Not Have Sex With Him
After paying $350 for a private dance at a gentlemen’s club,
a Montana man called police to complain that the stripper
did not have sex with him.
William McDaniel, 53, paid for the dance Saturday evening
at Sagebrush Sam’s Exotic Dance Club and Casino in Rocker,
a Butte suburb.
But when he did not get the expected sex, he dialed 911 to
register a consumer complaint.
This was a mistake on McDaniel’s part.
After questioning McDaniel, police arrested him for offering
money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor. He was booked into
the Butte-Silver Bow Detention Center, from which he was
released Sunday morning after posting $550 bond.

Tech Support Pits
From: Lynn
Re: Wired or wireless?
Dear Webby
What is faster for a home office network, old fashioned
cable or wireless? I know I can't go by what the computer
magazines say, because those guys never paid for their
toys and have to watch who pays for the ads.
The machines are not used for high file traffic games,
just for office work, but in 4 different rooms. We are
moving and I need to quickly decide whether to have the
new place cabled or not.
Thanks
Lynn
Dear Lynn
Professionally installing cables so that they are hidden,
with neat and clean wall jacks, is neither cheap nor fast.
If you go that route, check with burglar alarm system
installers. They know how to securely hide cables so that
absolutely nothing shows.
Wireless will be cheaper, and can be set up in an evening.
The file transfer speed of wireless is better than cable,
as long as there are no fridges or metal file cabinets
bouncing the signal around, and as long as the distance
is not over 50 feet, otherwise the file transfer speed
is lower than cable.
If you have one or more "roaming" laptops, go with
wireless.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Day Old Cinnamon Rolls for Bread Pudding
For richer, sweeter bread pudding, get day old cinnamon
rolls instead of bread. They taste so much better and
you save money. The cinnamon rolls are always discounted.
By mamacrafter
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a
prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as
she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras
and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she
left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden
award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible
for it."
Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing.
Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop
the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely
visible was the "golden award", a tiny ring, inserted
in the groom's nose.
Thanks to Sandie for these stats:
A recent study found that the average American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that the
average American drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
This means, on average,
Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad!!!

Today in
1718 Hundreds of colonists from France arrived in Louisiana.
Some settled in present-day New Orleans.
1814 The U.S. Library of Congress was destroyed by British
forces.
1825 Uruguay declared independence from Brazil.
1840 Joseph Gibbons received a patent for the seeding machine.
1875 Captain Matthew Webb swam from Dover, England, to Calais,
France making him the first person to swim the English Channel.
The feat took about 22 hours.
1920 The first airplane to fly from New York to Alaska
arrived in Nome.
1941 Soviet and British troops invaded Iran. This was in reaction
to the Shah's refusal to reduce the number of German residents.
1944 Paris, France, was liberated by Allied forces ending
four years of German occupation.
1944 Romania declared war on Germany.
1950 U.S. President Truman ordered the seizure of U.S. railroads
to avert a strike.
1972 In Great Britain, computerized axial tomography (CAT scan)
was introduced.
1978 The Turin shroud believed to be the burial cloth of
Jesus Christ went on display for the first time in 45 years.
1981 The U.S. Voyager 2 sent back pictures and data about Saturn.
The craft came within 63,000 miles of the planet.
1983 The U.S. and the Soviet Union signed a $10 billion
grain pact. That led to the USSR becoming a grain exporter
instead of an importer.
1987 Saudi Arabia denounced the "group of terrorists" that
ran the Iranian government.
1990 Military action was authorized by the United Nations
to enforce the trade embargo that had been placed on
Iraq after their invasion of Kuwait.
1991 Belorussia declared independence from the Soviet Union.
1992 It was reported by researchers that cigarette smoking
significantly increased the risk of developing cataracts.
1995 Harry Wu, human rights activist, returned to the United
States. He said the spying case against him in China was
"all lies."
1997 The tobacco industry agreed to an $11.3 billion
settlement with the state of Florida.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 24
Tuesday, Aug 26, I will have to go to Calgary for more
injections into my eyeballs. That means no newsletters
for 2-3 days afterwards.
Obama's Food Police: No more pink cookies
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Oklahoma teacher caught in a hotel room with a student.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1932 Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across
the U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark,
NJ, took about 19 hours.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
--- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
An important trip in life is meeting people half way.
--- Socratex
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant
one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure
everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair
to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite
loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that
everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and
demands, "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way
did you fire it ?"
Thanks to Irene for this story:
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed
in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in
the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me
and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater
exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam.
I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him
coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.
"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't
get out until you did."
Thanks to Jean for sending this:
Sverd-i-fjell-Norwqay

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Jennifer Caswell, 28, Hollis, Oklahoma
Teacher Charged With Rape After Being
Found With Teen In Hotel
An Oklahoma teacher who was under investigation for an
inappropriate relationship with a student faces a slew of
charges -- including second-degree rape -- after police
in Mississippi say they caught her in a hotel room with
a 15-year-old student.
Jennifer Caswell, a 28-year-old former English teacher at
Hollis Middle School in Hollis, Oklahoma, resigned from her
position in April amid allegations that she was having an
illicit affair with a student.
Prosecutors told the Oklahoman that initially, they didn't
really have hard evidence in the case, only reports of
suspicious behavior.
“Things that raised kind of an eyebrow. People seeing a
teacher alone with a child may or may not be anything. It
could just be innocent contact,” Harmon County Assistant
District Attorney Eric Yarborough told the newspaper.
“The child said nothing’s going on, she’s just a nice teacher.”
But then, on June 18, police in Olive Branch, Mississippi,
say they caught Caswell with the boy at a Best Western.
Authorities say a subsequent investigation revealed that
the former teacher and the victim had sex multiple times
in April and May of this year, including twice at school,
according to the Lawton Constitution.
In a police interview, the minor allegedly said that Caswell
had sex with him in a classroom at school three days before
resigning from her job, and then again several times in her
car and at the victim's home in the weeks following her
resignation.
The Mississippi incident happened more than 650 miles away
from her home town while he was away visiting his mother.
The victim told police that he hopped a fence in a church
parking lot to meet Caswell, who appears to have traveled
from Oklahoma to rendezvous with the boy.
Caswell now faces three counts of second-degree rape,
two counts of enticing a child, and one count of forcible
sodomy.
According to the Oklahoman, Caswell had been married prior
to the investigation into the alleged sex abuse. She was
formerly known as Jennifer Sexton, but since obtaining a
divorce from her husband, has restored her maiden name of
Caswell.
--------------
I wonder if the "child" considered himself a victim or a
beneficiary. In my day, that was strictly beneficiary.

Tech Support Pits
From: Maria
Re: Camera for boat trip
Dear Webby
What camera would you recommend for a long canoe trip?
I don't really want to risk my big Canon, but want to be
sure I get reasonably good pictures.
Thanks
Maria
Dear Maria
Just get a stack of regular disposable cameras, not the
expensive underwater type or the flash type, just the cheap
ones you see at gas stations and drug stores and supermarkets.
They float, and immersion in water does not seem to bother
them one bit.
The only drawback I found with them is that they do tend to
easily slip out of a shirt pocket and go for a dive whenever
you lean over the side of the canoe to retrieve a beverage
from the cooler net, or if you get a bit wild with the paddling
in a rapid. It's not a real problem, you just wait after the
rapids for the camera to catch up, and fish it out. They
float a lot slower than a good canoe, so if you temporarily
lose one, don't paddle like a maniac trying to catch up with
it. It is behind you and will eventually catch up with you,
if you simply wait for it. Cameras with a flash and batteries
probably won't do so well in the water, but with the plain
regular ones I have never had a problem.
The pictures are more than good enough for scanning and
using on the net. Try not to mix brands, though. They all
use different color temperatures. Kodak has a yellow cast,
Fuji a green and Agfa a blue cast. If a whole series of
pictures has the same cast, the eye compensates for it,
but if they are mixed, they look odd and amateurish,
and you need to adjust the hue in a graphics program.
Decide on one brand, and stick with it.
If somebody tells you that you can't get them any more,
because your gas station forgot to order them for the
summer, go online!
Disposable cameras from $2.95 and up
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Old Ink Stains From Clothing
To get ink out of a white shirt or blouse that has already
set in the dryer, try this. Place an old towel between the
shirt so stain will not go through. Spray hair spray on all
the ink spots. Do NOT blot spots. Wash in warm water with
laundry detergent. Check again to make sure all stains are
out before putting the item in the dryer
By Mythi from WA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End
is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to
each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the
first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we
should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'
instead?"
THREE BAD NUNS
There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good
all of the time, so they went to the priest and asked if they
could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one
thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him
what they did.
The first nun comes back. "What did you do wrong, Sister?"
"I mooned the rabbi next door, and nearly gave him a
heart attack."
"Very well, go drink holy water."
The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.
"And what did you do wrong, Sister" he asks again.
"I spiked the fruit punch at the bingo ."
"OK, go drink holy water."
Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again
he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister."
"I peed in the holy water."

Today in
0079 Mount Vesuvius erupted killing approximately 20,000
people. The cities of Pompeii, Stabiae and Herculaneum
were buried in volcanic ash.
0410 The Visigoths overran Rome. This event symbolized the
fall of the Western Roman Empire.
1456 The printing of the Gutenberg Bible was completed.
1572 The Catholics began their slaughter of the French
Protestants in Paris. The killings claimed about 70,000
people.
1814 Washington, DC, was invaded by Canadians, who set fire
to what later became the White House, after it was whitewashed
to cover the soot and partially burned wood, and the Capitol.
1869 A patent for the waffle iron was received by Cornelius
Swarthout.
1891 Thomas Edison applied patents for the kinetoscope and
kinetograph (U.S. Pats. 493,426 and 589,168).
1932 Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across
the U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark,
NJ, took about 19 hours.
1949 The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) went into
effect. The agreement was that an attack against on one of
the parties would be considered "an attack against them all."
1954 The Communist Party was virtually outlawed in the U.S.
when the Communist Control Act went into effect.
1959 Three days after Hawaiian statehood, Hiram L. Fong was
sworn in as the first Chinese-American U.S. senator while
Daniel K. Inouye was sworn in as the first Japanese-American
U.S. representative.
1963 John Pennel pole-vaulted 17 feet and 3/4 inches becoming
the first to break the 17-foot barrier.
1968 France became the 5th thermonuclear power when they
exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific.
1985 27 anti-apartheid leaders were arrested in South Africa
as racial violence rocked the country.
1986 Frontier Airlines shut down. Thousands of people were
left stranded.
1989 "Total war" was declared by Columbian drug lords on
their government.
1989 The U.S. space probe, Voyager 2, sent back photographs
of Neptune.
1990 Iraqi troops surrounded foreign missions in Kuwait.
1991 Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the
head of the Communist Party.
1992 China and South Korea established diplomatic relations.
1998 U.S. officials cited a soil sample as part of the
evidence that a Sudan plant was producing precursors to
the VX nerve gas. And, therefore made it a target for U.S.
missiles on August 20, 1998.
1998 A donation of 24 beads was made, from three parties,
to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse
Memorial. The beads are said to be those that were used
in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians.
2001 In McAllen, TX, Bridgestone/Firestone agreed to settle
out of court and pay a reported $7.5 million to a family
in a rollover accident in their Ford Explorer.
2001 U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly was randomly
picked to take over the Microsoft monopoly case. The judge
was to decide how Microsoft should be punished for illegally
trying to squelch its competitors.
2001 NASA announced that operation of the Upper Atmosphere
Research Satellite would end by September 30th due to budget
restrictions. The satellite is best known for monitoring
a hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica, but the ozone
hoax was not taken serious anymore.
2005 The planet Pluto was reclassified as a "dwarf planet"
by the International Astronomical Union (IAU). Pluto's
status was changed due to the IAU's new rules for an object
qualifying as a planet. Pluto met two of the three rules
because it orbits the sun and is large enough to assume a
nearly round shape. However, since Pluto has an oblong orbit
and overlaps the orbit of Neptune it disqualified Pluto as
a planet.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 23
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
LA-Area Police Officer Arrested For
Soliciting Las Vegas Undercover Cop
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1999 Robert Bogucki was rescued after getting lost in the Great
Sandy Desert of Australia on July 11. During the 43 day ordeal
Bogucki lost 44 pounds.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

There is no failure except in no longer trying.
--- Elbert Hubbard
A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was
going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would
need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the
evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them
both in her bra.
Halfway through the night, she had already used up one
handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the
other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she
noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.
"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.
She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Thanks to Jean for sending this:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Michael Johnson, 18,
LA-Area Police Officer Arrested For
Soliciting Las Vegas Undercover Cop
A Southern California police officer has been charged with
soliciting a prostitute after being caught in a sting
involving an undercover cop in a Las Vegas casino.
Vahak Mardikian, 48, of the Glendale Police Department,
was arrested Aug. 8, after allegedly spending an hour chatting
up a woman posing as a prostitute in the Flamingo Casino.
When the suspect asked the undercover officer if she was a
cop, she said no, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal.
Mardikian said he wasn’t an officer either.
According to the arrest report, Mardikian and the undercover
officer made plans to go to the woman's apartment for anal
sex in exchange for $250 and gas money.
The two agreed to meet separately at the woman's car in a
parking garage to avoid suspicion, Fox5Vegas.com reports.
Shortly after the suspect gave the undercover officer money
for gas, he was arrested by nearby undercover detectives,
police said.
Mardikian was booked at the Clark County Detention Center
on one count of soliciting prostitution, the Las Vegas
Sun reports.
This isn't Mardikian's first bout with controversy.
He was demoted within the Glendale Police Dept. in 2012
for allegedly pressuring and harassing other officers,
but was reinstated to his rank in 2013, according to
the Glendale News-Press.
-------------------
Somebody should tell him that "What happens in Las Vegas,
stays in Las Vegas", the slogan that fuelled all the lights
and glitter and the expansion of Las Vegas, is history.
All the Millions of chambermaids, cooks, waitresses, and casino
employees and their families are mostly quite religious
new immigrants, and they vote.
Prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas since the late 80's.
Las Vegas is a town of churches and church goers, and City Hall
promotes Family Fun, not what made it famous.

Tech Support Pits
From: Mary
Re: Famous fonts
Dear Webby
I heard somebody is giving away famous fonts like CocaCola
and Harry Potter and Starwars, etc. A fontaholic like me
NEEDS those. Where can I get them?
Thanks
Mary
Dear Mary
Here is the link to Famous Fonts.
They are all free.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Waterproof Address Labels
To waterproof address labels, just rub a candle over the text.
You will also save on sellotape.
By Monique [98]
With almost all mail going via the Internet nowadays, the
only addressing I need is for packages and very rarely an
envelope. Usually I just hand write it with a medium tipped
black Mark-All.
About the only times I actually print labels is for jars
and containers. Since my printer is a Laser printer, the
labels are waterproof anyway. Lasers use toner, which is
colored wax, that is melted into the paper. Water just
runs off it, and may dissolve areas, that are not printed,
but printed areas are protected.
Only if you use one of those short lived, expensive to use
inkjet printers, would you need a candle to fake the
waxy sheen of laser printing.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
Wife: "I'm going to try something new this summer with the
dog and kids."
Husband: "What's that?"
Wife: "I'm sending the dog to camp and the kids to
obedience school."

Today in
1839 Hong Kong was taken by the British in a war with China.
1892 The printed streetcar transfer was patented by Stedman.
1904 Hard D. Weed patented the grip-tread tire chain for cars.
1914 Tsingtao, China, was bombarded as Japan declared war on
Germany in World War I.
1939 Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a
non-aggression treaty.
1944 During World War II, Romanian prime minister Ion Antonescue
was dismissed. Soon after the country would abandon the Axis
and join the Allies, since they were now obviously winning.
1944 Marseilles was captured by Allied troops during World War II.
1952 The security pact of the Arab League went into effect.
1959 In the Peanuts comic strip, Sally debuted as an infant.
1962 The first live TV program was relayed between the U.S. and
Europe through the U.S. Telstar satellite.
1982 The parliament of Lebanon elected Bashir Bemayel president.
He was assassinated three weeks later.
1993 It was confirmed by Los Angeles police that Michael Jackson
was the subject of a criminal investigation.
1996 U.S. President Clinton imposed limits on peddling cigarettes
to children.
1998 Protestors in Sudan carried a sign that bore the resemblance
of Monica Lewinsky and the words "No War for Monika." The anti-U.S.
demonstration was in Khartoum, Sudan.
1998 Boris Yeltsin dismissed the Russian government again.
1999 Rescuers in Turkey found a young boy that had been buried
in rubble from an earthquake for about a week.
1999 Robert Bogucki was rescued after getting lost in the Great
Sandy Desert of Australia on July 11. During the 43 day ordeal
Bogucki lost 44 pounds.
2000 Richard Hatch was revealed as the winning castaway on CBS'
"Survivor." Hatch won $1,000,000 for his stay on the island of
Pulau Tida in the South China Sea.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
New Mexico man who drove a hot cart to meet a
probation officer
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1996 U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended
guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work
from recipients. That did not last long.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The only function of economic forecasting is to
make astrology look respectable.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006)
The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when
he or she fills out a job application form.
--- Socratex
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband
asked his wife if she had bought premium or regular gas,
but she couldn't remember.
"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could
account for the engine running so rough."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.
"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.
"It cost the same as always." said the wife.
"I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."
Thanks to Dianne for this story:
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my
vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from
a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully,
then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in
for repair.
At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there
are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw
him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."
Thanks to jean for sending this:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Michael Johnson, 18,
Man Drives Hot Cart To Meet
Probation Officer
AUGUST 20 The 18-year-old New Mexico man was arrested Monday
after allegedly driving a stolen Walmart electric shopping
cart to a meeting with his probation officer.
Johnson drove the hot cart to the Metropolitan Courthouse in
Albuquerque. Johnson, whose rap sheet includes several arrests,
is on probation for a conviction earlier this year.
According to a criminal complaint, when Megan Cutler, Johnson’s
probation officer, asked him where he got the shopping cart,
he admitted to taking it from a Walmart about five miles from
the courthouse. Johnson added that he “did not have permission
to take the cart.”
An Albuquerque Police Department officer subsequently contacted
a Walmart official who said that the electric cart is worth
$1845 and that the retailer wanted to press charges.
Johnson was then arrested for larceny and receiving stolen property
and booked into the Bernalillo County jail, where he remains
locked up.
The teenager is facing an additional charge for violating
terms of his probation. He was arrested last year for battery
against a household member and interference with communications.
In May, he pleaded guilty to the latter count, which usually
relates to somehow preventing a victim from contacting police.
Johnson lives about 11 miles from the courthouse. The complaint
does not reveal when he took the Walmart cart or how far he
drove it to the courthouse.

Tech Support Pits
From: Helga
Re: Numeric keys for laptop
Dear Webby
The numeric keypad keys on my laptop are dual-function keys
embedded in the regular keyboard. It does have the numbers
again on top, but I can't get any speed going with those.
Is there a solution for that?
Thanks
Helga
Yes, you can get numeric keypads quite cheaply. For example:
V7, wired, $7Targus wireless $22
If you go to a surveyors or engineering supply store, you
can get thigh holsters for the wireless Targus. You have
probably seen surveyors on the side of the road peering
through their instruments and fingering something on their
thigh. Most likely what you saw was that Targus wireless
numeric keypad in a thigh holster.
If your desk space is limited, or if you are using your lap
as your desk, the thigh holster will also be really handy.
You can get fantastic speed with one of them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Purse with Shopping Bags
I don't know if you have this problem, but I do. I try to
use reusable grocery bags as much as possible, but I forget
to bring them into the store! Same with my coupons and
sometimes even my shopping list!
The Solution: Now at home, I place my purse directly "into"
one of my reusable, cloth grocery bags and add my coupons,
list and key ring to a hook on the bag as well. Then I hang
this bag by the door. Every time I get home, I immediately
place my purse in that hanging bag and the keys on the ring.
Now when I am going shopping, I bring the purse "still" in
the bag with me to carry in to the store together. I can
store or add additional folded bags in the bottom of that
same bag (as well as coupons and shopping list in a little
pocket on the front of the bag and bring it "all" into the
store with me on shopping day!
Once home and unpacked, I make sure to put them all back
into that main bag along with my purse once again and place
it back on its designated hook.
By Donna [128]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a
hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke: "From the outset, I
want you all to know that there are two words that are
absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers,
tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get
you a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross".
And the other one is "cool".
Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back
of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks:
"So, what are these gross and cool words?"
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' break room saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life
are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty scary too."

Today in
1485 The War of the Roses ended with the death of England's
King Richard III. He was killed in the Battle of Bosworth
Field. His successor was Henry V II.
1567 The "Council of Blood" was established by the Duke of
Alba. This was the beginning of his reign of terror in
the Netherlands.
1642 The English Civil War began when Charles I called
Parliament and its soldiers traitors.
1770 Australia was claimed under the British crown when
Captain James Cook landed there.
1775 The American colonies were proclaimed to be in a state
of open rebellion by England's King George III.
1846 The U.S. annexed New Mexico.
1851 The schooner America outraced the Aurora off the English
coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.
1865 A patent for liquid soap was issued to William Sheppard.
1906 The Victor Talking Machine Company of Camden, NJ began
to manufacture the Victrola. The hand-cranked unit, with
horn cabinet, sold for $200.
1910 Japan formally annexed Korea.
1911 It was announced that Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa"
had been stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris. The
painting reappeared two years later in Italy.
1932 The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) began its
first TV broadcast in England.
1941 Nazi troops reached the outskirts of Leningrad during
World War II.
1972 Due to its racial policies, Rhodesia was asked to
withdraw from the 20th Olympic Summer Games.
1973 Henry Kissinger was named Secretary of State by U.S.
President Nixon. Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize in
the same year.
1984 The last Volkswagen Rabbit rolled off the assembly
line in New Stanton, PA.
1986 Kerr-McGee Corp. agreed to pay the estate of the late
Karen Silkwood $1.38 million to settle a 10-year-old
nuclear contamination lawsuit.
1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush signed an order for calling
reservists to aid in the build up of troops in the Persian Gulf.
1990 The U.S. State Department announced that the U.S. Embassy
in Kuwait would not be closed under President Saddam
Hussein's demand.
1990 Angry smokers blocked a street in Moscow to protest the
summer-long cigarette shortage.
1991 Mikhail S. Gorbachev returned to Moscow after the
collapse of the hard-liners' coup. On the same day he purged
the men that had tried to oust him.
1992 In Rostock, Germany, neo-Nazi violence broke out
against foreigners.
1996 U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended
guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work
from recipients.
2004 In Oslo, Norway, a version of Edvard Munch's "The Scream"
and his work "Madonna" were stolen from the Munch Museum.
This version of "The Scream," one of four different versions,
was a tempera painting on board.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 21
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Man arrested for murder in R.I. home invasion
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed
forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their
partner.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the
corkscrew and for several days we had to live on
nothing but food and water.
--- W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)
The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the
outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the
story of George Washington chopping down his father's
cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth.
The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed
the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and
the shocked child protested that George Washington had not
been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father
wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!"
>From Len
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job.
I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to
be taking off in a few... OOOPS! Here we go!'

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Rudy Chavez, 43, ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
Man arrested for murder in R.I. home invasion
The man believed to be responsible for the shooting death
of 26-year-old Richard Catalano in North Providence on
Sunday has been arraigned at the hospital.
24-year-old Dari Max Garcia has been charged with first
degree murder, 2 counts assault with a deadly weapon,
burglary, assault with intent to commit a felony, and
several firearms charges. Garcia has an extensive criminal
record and has served time behind bars in the past.
Garcia was arraigned on charges yesterday inside Rhode
Island Hospital where he is being treated for a self inflicted
gunshot wound.
The incident happened just before midnight on Sunday when
the suspect allegedly showed up at the Eliot Avenue attempting
to gain access. When he entered he had a gun and struggled
with the victim's mother and step father. During the struggle
police say that Garcia bit Catalano's mother's finger off
and shot her in the throat.
Catalano was also shot and he was pronounced dead on the
scene.
Police say when they arrived Garcia attempted to kill himself
and was unsuccessfull. He was brought to the hospital to be
treated for injuries while in police custody.
Catalano's mother is currently recovering from her injuries
at Rhode Island Hospital.
WPRI reports that Garcia has a "lengthy" criminal history,
punctuated by an incident in February in which he was shot
in the abdomen during an altercation with a police officer.
He had just finished a two-year prison sentence for narcotics
violations, and after the shooting he was charged with
domestic assault and possession of heroin, among other charges.
He is out on bail awaiting trial on those charges.
Police are looking into whether the incident may be connected
to a earlier incident involving a bogus shoe sale at an event
at Brown University.

Tech Support Pits
From: Fanny
Re: Blacklist size
Dear Webby
I noticed that the blacklist is getting quite huge.
That must be slowing things down badly. What size would you
call the maximum size?
Thanks
Fanny
Dear Fanny
What a nice and delightful name!
Spammers never use the same address twice, unless they forge
your name as the sender name.
It is quite safe to age off the blacklist in three days.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Ice Scraper for Cleaning
Using my favorite and best cooking pot, I put some green
beans on to cook and went to the computer to check the
weather while the strings beans were coming to a boil.
While checking on the weather, I got distracted by something
else that struck my interest and I completely forgot the
green beans. Next thing I knew, the smoke alarm was
blaring and the green beans were burned and stuck to the
bottom of the pot.
I tried all different methods to clean the pot and thought
the Teflon finish was pitted and my pot ruined. Then, my
husband suggested I try using the little plastic ice scraper
I had stuck back in the "catch it all" drawer. It worked
wonders and I was able to get my pot back in tip top shape.
The finish on the pot was not harmed.
By Litter Gitter [103]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart con-
dition, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a
slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."
After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an
enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks
later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the
company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to Mercedes!

Today in
1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took
possession of Santa Fe, NM.
1831 Nat Turner, a former slave, led a violent insurrection
in Virginia. He was later executed.
1841 A patent for venetian blinds was issued to John Hampton.
1888 The adding machine was patented by William Burroughs.
1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed
forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their partner.
1943 Japan evacuated the Aleutian island of Kiaska. Kiaska
had been the last North American foothold by the Japanese.
1945 U.S. President Truman ended the Lend-Lease program that
had shipped about $50 billion in aid to America's Allies
during World War II.
1959 Hawaii became the 50th state. U.S. President Eisenhower
also issued the order for the 50 star flag.
1963 In South Vietnam, martial law was declared. Army troops
and police began to crack down on the Buddhist anti-
government protesters.
1989 Voyager 2, a U.S. space probe, got close to the Neptune
moon called Triton.
1991 The hard-line coup against Soviet President Mikhail
Gorbachev ended. The uprising that led to the collapse
was led by Russian federation President Boris Yeltsin.
1993 NASA lost contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft.
The fate of the spacecraft was unknown. The mission cost
$980 million.
1997 Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it
had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was
potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was
the largest food recall in U.S. history.
1997 Afghanistan suspended its embassy operations in the
United States.
2002 In Pakistan, President General Pervez Musharraf
unilaterally amended the Pakistani constitution. He
extended his term in office and granted himself powers
that included the right to dissolve parliament.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Wedenesday, August 20.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
a N.M. Robber who was caught after showering,
and shaving in elderly victim's home.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1985 The original Xerox 914 copier was presented to the
Smithsonian Institute's Museum of American History.
Chester Carlson was the man who invented the machine.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

An expert is a person who avoids small errors
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
--- Benjamin Stolberg
The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five
Kings left--the King of England, the King of Spades,
The King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of
Diamonds.
--- King Farouk of Egypt (1920 - 1965)
"Hell begins the day God grants you the vision to see
all you could have done, should have done and would
have done -- but did not do."
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the
technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have
dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than
on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to
accommodate that."
As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have
you had that for long?"
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons.
They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "If nobody ain't got no crayons,
then what happened to all them crayons that nobody ain't got?"

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Rudy Chavez, 43, ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
Robber Caught After Showering, Shaving
In Elderly Victim's Home
Police say a suspect accused of robbing a 94-year-old
Albuquerque, New Mexico, man was caught after he shaved
and showered in the victim's home - and left behind his
fingerprints.
The Albuquerque Journal reports authorities said 43-year-old
Rudy Chavez was arrested Saturday.
According to a criminal complaint, Chavez held Glen Miller
at gunpoint while Chavez showered, shaved, dressed in Miller's
clothes, and then left with Miller's car, television and
cash. The complaint says Chavez told Miller he was committing
the robbery because he had just been released from prison
and couldn't find work.
Albuquerque Police Lt. Paul Szych said investigators
identified Chavez through fingerprints on the shaver and
a bottle of mouthwash.
Chavez faces a number of charges including kidnapping.
He is held on $100.000 cash bail.

Tech Support Pits
From: Eric
Re: HAR* spam
Dear Webby
Lately I have received a lot of spam supposedly about HAR*
and loans and similar topics, to all of my email addresses,
and there are many of those.
The letters seem to be identical.
What's the story and how do I get them to stop?
Eric
Dear Eric
Something you downloaded reported all of your email
addresses to some hacker, who probably sold them to
a bunch of spammers.
Since you probably can't change your email addresses,
the only alternative is to get decent spam control,
like MailWasher.
It will identify the spam and mark it for deleting.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keeping Tops From Sticking to Bottles
To keep tops from sticking on bottles of things
such as finger nail polish, glue, or other adhesives,
rub a very small amount of Vaseline around the ridges
before replacing the top.
By Ann Reese
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

>From Ellen
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store
and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup
truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the
license plate number!"
"That's no help," Bubba replied, "I'm using the license plate
I stole off the mayor's truck to cut down on the speeding
tickets."

Today in
1741 Danish navigator Vitus Jonas Bering discovered Alaska.
1882 Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" debuted in Moscow.
1914 German forces occupied Brussels, Belgium, during WW I.
1923 The first American dirigible, the "Shenandoah," was
launched in Lakehurst, NJ. The ship began its maiden voyage
from the same location on September 4.
1940 France fell to the Germans during World War II.
1953 It was announced by the Soviet Union that they had
detonated a hydrogen bomb.
1955 In Morocco and Algeria hundreds of people were killed
in anti-French rioting.
1968 The Soviet Union and other Warsaw Pact nations began
invading Czechoslovakia to crush the "Prague Spring"
1977 Voyager 2 was launched by the United States. The
spacecraft was carrying a 12 inch copper phonograph record
containing greetings in dozens of languages, samples of
music and sounds of nature.
1985 The original Xerox 914 copier was presented to the
Smithsonian Institute's Museum of American History. Chester
Carlson was the man who invented the machine.
1991 A rally of more than 100,000 people occurred outside
the Russian parliament building to protest the coup that
removed Gorbachev from power.
1997 Britain began voluntary evacuation of its Caribbean
island of Montserrat due to the volcanic activity of the
Soufriere Hills.
1998 Canada's Supreme Court announced that Quebec could
not secede without the federal government's consent.
1998 U.S. military forces attacked a terrorist camp in
Afghanistan and a chemical plant in Sudan. Both targets
were chosen for cruise missile strikes due to their
connection with Osama bin Laden.
1998 The U.N. Security Council extended trade sanctions
against Iraq for blocking arms inspections.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 19.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Seattle Woman, 33, Arrested After
"Humping" Lawn Chairs, Exposing Self
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1960 Two dogs were launched in a satellite into Earth's orbit
by the Soviet Union.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
--- Jimmy Buffett
To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
>From Tim
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up
call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did
not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly.
"This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed
to call me at 6!", I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar
deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss
out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a
million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in
this motel!"
Thanks to Sandie for these Call Center recordings:
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and
can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
-------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized
that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
get my file back again?"

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Sila Hans, 33, Seattle, WA
Seattle Woman, 33, Arrested After
"Humping" Lawn Chairs, Exposing Self
A Washington woman who was wearing a short dress and no
underwear is facing an indecent exposure charge after
allegedly “humping” lawn chairs, exposing herself to a
woman and two children, and urinating in public,
according to police.
Sila Hans, 33, was arrested earlier this month by cops
responding to a report of “an intoxicated female exposing
herself and urinating on the lawn” of a Seattle residence.
A female witness told officers that Hans, seen above,
“had come onto her lawn and was ‘humping’ the lawn chairs,”
according to a Seattle Police Department report. The woman
added that she and her two children--ages 15 and 11--
watched Hans’s late-afternoon performance from a window
in their home.
After grinding on the lawn chairs, Hans allegedly
“exposed her vagina,” and then “smacked” her genitals
“with her hand multiple times.” Additionally, the
witnesses reported that Hans relieved herself on the
lawn and “bent over and exposed her bottom.”
Cops who confronted Hans reported that she was
“extremely intoxicated” and “displaying erratic behavior.”
She was “wearing a short dress with no underwear,” noted
Officer Nicolas Olsen, who arrested Hans for indecent
exposure. He probably double-checked and was quite sure
that she had no underwear.

Tech Support Pits
From: Dwayne
Re: Getting McAfee onto my second machine
Dear Webby
I tried to get my McAfee onto my second machine, but it
wants my Serial number. More civilized programs show the
license number when you hit Help/About, but McAfee is not
amongst those. I tried to chat Customer Service, but the
Taliban there took forever translating via Yahoo, and did
not quite get it for a long time. Eventually she sent me
to Tech Support, even though it is a customer service issue.
Once somebody woke up there, they gave me a link to the
shopping cart. DUH!
The program is great, but their support sure isn't.
How do I get the number?
Dwayne
Dear Dwayne
First get your user name and password. You probabaly have
it in your RoboForm. Skype it or somehow send it to
Machine #2.
Then, on Machine #2, go to
https://home.mcafee.com/Secure/Protected/Login.aspx?ErrCode=PLEASE_LOGIN
Log in with your user name and password.
Then you can download McAfee and install it.
It even tells you your serial number, that the Taliban
could not give you.
From there on it is clear sailing.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Hot Thighs Better than Hot Wings
Buy a family pack of chicken thighs. Slice a 1/2 inch
filet from each side of thigh, leaving the bone-in piece.
This yields three finger-dipping size of meaty pieces.
Roll in hot wing rub. Place in oven at 350 degrees F for
30 minutes or deep fry until crispy and done.
Approximate Time: 30 minutes
Yield: 3 per thigh
By Avis [10]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

>From Rosie
The "BUT FIRST" Syndrome. We all have it.
You decide to do the laundry. So you start down the stairs
with the laundry, but then you see the newspapers on the
table. OK, you'll do the laundry.........
BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away. On
your way to put the newspapers away, you notice the mail
on the table. OK, you'll put the newspapers away........
BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid. You
look for the checkbook. Oops... there's the baby's bottle
from yesterday on the floor. OK, you'll pay the bill........
BUT FIRST you need to put the bottle in the sink. You
head for the kitchen. There's the remote for the TV. What's
it doing in here? OK, you'll put the bottle in the sink.....
BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away. Head for the
TV room. Aaagh!!! stepped on the cat! Cat needs to be
fed. OK, you'll put the remote away...
BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat. At the end of the day......
The laundry is not done; newspapers are still on the floor;
baby's bottle is on the table; bills are still unpaid;
checkbook is still lost; cat ate the remote control.......
And when you stop to figure out how come nothing got done
all day, you are baffled because......you know you were
busy ALL DAY!!
Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents. At
bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top
of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger
brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers?
God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Today in
1812 "Old Ironsides" (the USS Constitution) won a battle
against the British frigate Guerriere east of Nova Scotia.
1848 The discovery of gold in California was reported by
the New York Herald.
1856 Gail Borden received a patent for his process of
condensing milk by vacuum.
1909 The first car race to be run on brick occurred at the
Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
1919 Afghanistan gained independence from Britain.
1929 "Amos and Andy," the radio comedy program, made its
debut on NBC starring Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll.
1934 Adolf Hitler was approved for sole executive power in
Germany as Fuehrer.
1940 The new Civil Aeronautics Administration awarded honorary
license #1 to Orville Wright.
1942 About 6,000 Canadian and British soldiers launched a raid
against the Germans at Dieppe, France. They suffered about
50 percent casualties.
1960 Francis Gary Powers, an American U-2 pilot, was convicted
of espionage in Moscow.
1960 Two dogs were launched in a satellite into Earth's orbit
by the Soviet Union.
1974 During an anti-American protest in Nicosia, Cyprus, U.S.
Ambassador Rodger P. Davies was fatally wounded by a bullet
while in the American embassy.
1981 Two Libyan SU-22s were shot down by two U.S. Navy F-14
fighters in the Gulf of Sidra.
1998 The first piece of the 351 foot bronze statue of
Christopher Columbus arrived in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
1999 In Belgrade, thousands of Serbs attended a rally to
demand the resignation of Yugoslavia's President
Slobodan Milosevic.
2004 Google Inc. stock began selling on the Nasdaq Stock
Market. The initial price was set at $85 and ended the day
at $100.34 with more than 22 million shares traded.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 18.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Woman who poisoned roommates after they
caught her having sex with their dog
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1920 Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the U.S.
Constitution. The Amendment guaranteed the right of all
American women to vote.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates,
and the glare that obscures.
--- James Thurber (1894 - 1961)
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
--- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his
questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker,"
he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
she asked.
"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she
snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he intoned as he wrote on his form.

Thanks to Tim for this story:
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife
to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use
it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to
her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at a speed of at least 30mph for it
to start.
She said fine, hopped into her old 5 ton Caddillac
and drove off.
I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror
coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have
been a bit clearer with my directions.
Click on the picture for the large version

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Shari Walters, 53, Albuquerque, NM
Woman poisoned roommates after they
caught her having sex with their dog
Police say a New Mexico woman who was arrested for allegedly
poisoning her roommates admitted that she did so because
they caught her having sex with their dogs.
Shari Walters, 53, was arrested Wednesday in Albuquerque
after her roommates told Bernalillo County Sheriff’s deputies
that she'd admitted putting rubbing alcohol and toilet bowl
cleaner in their food.
They said that the alleged poisoning occurred two weeks ago,
the evening after her female roommate, Beverly Bradley,
allegedly discovered Walters "lying nude in a backyard
shed with her German shepherd, Spike," according to Raw Story.
She confessed it wasn't the first time. According to the
Albuquerque Journal, Walters said she'd been having sex with
dogs since she was 14.
KOAT reports:
After the encounter, the complaint says, Walters admitted
to having sex with both her roommates’ dogs. Walters was
dating a male roommate and, according to the complaint,
he broke up with her.
During dinner the night after the incident, both roommates
noticed that their food tasted weird, and said Walters
encouraged them to eat.
When they confronted her, Walters allegedly said that she'd
"stop trying to kill [them] if Jeffrey would be with her,"
according to KOAT. Jeffrey is Beverly Bradley's brother and
other roommate.
"That's psycho to me. I don't understand it," Beverly Bradley
told the station.
Walters was taken to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation
and then booked in Metropolitan Detention Center on charges
including aggravated battery, cruelty or extreme cruelty
to animals, and assault with intent to commit a violent felony.

Tech Support Pits
From: Dianne
Re: My browsers go to Yaimo
Dear Webby
My browser defaults to yaimo, no matter how often I change
the HOME page back to mine.
And everything is slowed down.
How can I fix that?
I have Superantispyware, but that is no help.
Dianne
Dear Dianne
That is nasty crap! You probably got it as a "Free Bonus"
hidden on page 27 of the user agreement of some cutesy
program you downloaded from Cnet or some similar place full
of ads trying to sidetrack you into clicking on the wrong
link.
Yes, Superantispyware won't touch it, neither will 99% of
the programs, that claim they would. AnviSoft and Regcure
are some that I remember being a big waste of time. They
might possibly be useful for something else, but did not
help in getting rid of yaimo.
Usually yaimo opens a back door for even more malicious and
more dangerous stuff.
MalwareBytes will get rid of most of that, and trim yaimo
down to a harmless browser nuisance, that changes the home
page and the chosen search engine.
Pretty well all reputable instructions for getting rid of
yaimo INCLUDE running Malwarebytes as one of the first steps
involved.
A good method is at im-infected.com
Keep in mind, no matter which programs and methods you use,
it is going to be tedious and time consuming.
Good Luck!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
No More Paper Products!
This was something that put more money in our pockets
instantly! We stopped using napkins and paper towels. We
were spending at least $5.00 a week just to wipe our
mouths and clean our house. Every week, my cart would be
loaded with another round of paper products. Every week,
I kept thinking "there has got be a better way!"
And there is!
For napkins at mealtime, we use cotton cloths that I
crochet. You can whip up at least two from a $1.47 ball
of cotton yarn at your local chain store. I use my kids'
favorite colors so they can use them for an entire day
and not get them mixed up before throwing in the wash.
Or, simply use a value pack of inexpensive washcloths
that can be purchased for a mere $4.00 at Walmart!
As far as paper towel substitutes, I simply cut up our
old t-shirts, sweat-pants, etc. They work like a charm
for windows, mirrors and bathrooms. Saves the environment,
space in my shopping cart, and money in my wallet.
I can't believe I didn't do this years ago! :)
By melissa [1]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Thanks to Sandie for this one:
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really
sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look
into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he
had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic
process but he wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew
how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.
.......... God I miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCR....D."
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first
exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the
examination room and that he would be with him in just
a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the
examination room, he noticed that there were three
items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of
K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this
is my first exam.. I know what the K-Y is for... and I
know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged
and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door
open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said
a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

Today in
1227 The Mongol conqueror Ghengis Khan died.
1587 Virginia Dare became the first child to be born on
American soil of English parents. The colony that is now
Roanoke Island, NC, mysteriously vanished.
1894 The Bureau of Immigration was established by the
U.S. Congress.
1914 The "Proclamation of Neutrality" was issued by U.S.
President Woodrow Wilson. It was aimed at keeping the U.S.
out of World War I, but England persuaded the US to
participate and boost the economy.
1920 Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the U.S.
Constitution. The Amendment guaranteed the right of all
American women to vote.
1937 The first FM radio construction permit was issued in
Boston, MA. The station went on the air two years later.
1938 The Thousand Islands Bridge was dedicated by U.S.
President Franklin D. Roosevelt. The bridge connects
the U.S. and Canada.
1940 Canada and the U.S. established a joint defense plan
against the possible enemy attacks during World War II.
Hitler was too dumb to realize, that the deck was already
stacked agaisnt him.
1958 Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita" was published.
1966 The first pictures of earth taken from moon orbit were
sent back to the U.S.
1990 The first shots were fired by the U.S. in the Persian
Gulf Crisis when a U.S. frigate fired rounds across the
bow of an Iraqi oil tanker.
1991 An unsuccessful coup was attempted in against President
Mikhail S. Gorbachev. The Soviet hard-liners were responsible.
Gorbechev and his family were effectively imprisoned for
three days while vacationing in Crimea.
1998 Mrs. Field's Original Cookies announced that they would
acquire the Great American Cookie Co.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 17.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Arkansas teacher who got caught messing with a 13 year old
and leaving a trail of naked pictures on Snapchat
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1807 Robert Fulton's "North River Steam Boat" (known as
the "Clermont") began heading up New York's Hudson River
on its successful round-trip to Albany.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The phrase "action speaks louder than words," is most easily
proven by a swift kick to the genitals.
--- Devin J. Monroe (1983 -
Thanks to Susan for this story:
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not
talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts
was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"
I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the
instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to
give their escorts every chance to be gallant. She said,
"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step
around and open the door for you."
Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the guy is in
the restaurant flirting at the waitress, don't wait any longer."
Thanks to Jean for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

Reported by William
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Mary Faith McCormick,
Arkansas teacher who got caught messing
with a 13 year old and leaving a trail of
naked pictures on Snapchat
A sixth-grade teacher in the rural northwest corner of
Arkansas was arrested on Wednesday and charged with having
multiple sexual encounters with a 13-year-old boy.
The teacher is 32-year-old Mary Faith McCormick, reports
local CBS affiliate KFSM. She is a sixth-grade teacher at
Siloam Springs Intermediate School.
Local police, who began investigating last week after
receiving a few anonymous reports, say the forbidden love
began on a dare. Specifically, one of the unnamed
13-year-old boy’s friends dared the kid to call McCormick.
One thing led to another, and the 19 years separating
McCormick and the student proved to be no physical barrier.
One of the trysts occurred after the boy and a friend took
in a movie at McCormick’s residence. (It’s not clear if it
was the same friend who proposed the dare.) Like a good
wingman, the friend left after the flick was over. McCormick
and her 13-year-old lover then allegedly had sex.
There’s also the very impressive trail of Snapchat messages,
which includes nude photographs and much raunchiness.
A police investigation of McCormick’s Snapchat account
uncovered a treasure trove of photos and videos related to
the affair.
A 12-year-old female friend of the 13-year-old boy came
across one of the Snapchat sessions when she was using the
boy’s phone, and as girls always do, snooped around.
Among the messages was a photo of McCormick wearing just a
towel.
Another photo shows a pair of breasts that police believe
belong to McCormick — but investigators say they can’t be
sure until they can get her to s trip for them.
An unidentified witness told police about a photo of
McCormick — with wet hair and breasts mostly bare —
and text reading. “I’m not dirty anymore,” according
to the KFSM.
The CBS affiliate notes that McCormick is currently
married and has a daughter. Her father is a teacher in
the local school district.
The full, three-page arrest affidavit has been made publicly
available by the station.
Highlights include the 13-year-old boy telling police that
he used Snapchat to send McCormick a picture of “his ‘boner.’”
The 12-year-old girl who borrowed the phone said she
recalled a message on the photo-messaging application from
McCormick to the 13-year-old that read “I want to climb
your cock,” or something similar.
Also, the 13-year-old boy told police that McCormick had
picked him up in her car just a couple weeks ago and drove
him to a plot of land “where she is building her new house.”
The teen then fondly reconstructed the events that
transpired by explaining that McCormick was “sucking his dick.”
McCormick faces at least one felony rape count. She was
released from jail on Thursday after posting bond of
$50,000.
School district officials have suspended her with pay.

Tech Support Pits
From: Irene
Re: Can Open Office open MS Office files?
Dear Webby
I have a lot of files that I wrote at work over the years
with the MS Office we have there. Yeah, I know, naughty,
naughty! The problem is, now that I am retired, I had to
get my own computer, but there is no way I am going to pay
the outrageous price for MS Office.
I uploaded all my stuff to DropBox, and can retrieve it
from there. Actually, I have already downloaded most of it.
Can I open those MS Weird and MS Excel files with
Open Office?
Thanks
Irene
Dear Irene
Yes, sure. You can open and edit them with Open Office,
and even save them back into Microsoft format,
or into Open Office format.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Coin Purse for Broken Keyless Remote
My keychain/car remote broke. The small end that had a
hole that allowed the metal ring to loop through it broke
so I couldn't hook the key ring to the remote anymore.
They are EXPENSIVE to replace and I wanted the convenience
of the remote and the keys hooked together. I thought about
the shape and rummaged through my 'junk drawer' for an old
plastic coin purse that my kids used to use. If you squeeze
the ends, it opens to put coins OR to put my remote in
there! I am sure they are in dollar stores everywhere.
It fit great over the entire remote and I could hook my
keys to it again. Just a little thing to make my life easier
and I've used it happily every since!
By Donna [126]
You can also take an old key, lay it on the back of the
remote, so that the eyelet sticks out beyond it, and mark
where the battery door is. Saw it off there. They are brass
and easy sawing.
Cover the battery door with some tape and epoxy the key onto
the back, and you will have a much sturdier eyelet than the
original plastic.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

From Nanarina
Did you know these connections?
ABC News executive producer Ian Cameron is married to Susan Rice,
National Security Adviser.
CBS President David Rhodes is the brother of Ben Rhodes, Obama’s
Deputy National Security Adviser for Strategic Communications.
ABC News correspondent Claire Shipman is married to Whitehouse
Press Secretary Jay Carney
ABC News and Univision reporter Matthew Jaffe is married to
Katie Hogan, Obama’s Deputy Press Secretary
ABC President Ben Sherwood is the brother of Obama’s Special
Adviser Elizabeth Sherwood
CNN President Virginia Moseley is married to former
Hillary Clinton’s Deputy Secretary Tom Nides.
-------------
Not a joke, but rather funny anyway.
A middle aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor
for a check up. After a thorough examination, the doctor said,
"Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut
out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc,
I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"

Today in
1790 The capital city of the U.S. moved to Philadelphia
from New York City.
1807 Robert Fulton's "North River Steam Boat" (known as
the "Clermont") began heading up New York's Hudson River
on its successful round-trip to Albany.
1815 Napoleon began serving his exile when he arrived at
the island of St. Helena.
1859 A hot air balloon was used to carry mail for the first
time. John Wise left Lafayette, IN, for New York City with
100 letters. He had to land after only 27 miles.
1863 Federal batteries and ships bombarded Fort Sumter in
Charleston, SC, harbor during the Civil War.
1896 The Klondike gold rush was set off by George Carmack
discovering gold on Rabbit Creek in the Yukon.
1903 Joseph Pulitzer donated a million dollars to Columbia
University. This started the Pulitzer Prizes in his name.
1915 Charles F. Kettering received a patent for an
electric ignition device like the ones used in cars for
20 years.
1943 The Allied conquest of Sicily was completed as U.S.
and British forces entered Messina.
1945 The nationalists of Indonesia declared their
independence from the Netherlands.
1961 The Communist East German government completed the
construction of the Berlin Wall.
1978 Maxie Anderson, Ben Abruzzo and Larry Newman became
the first to land after a successful trans-Atlantic balloon
flight. The voyage began in Presque Isle, ME and ended in
Miserey, France.
1982 The U.S. Senate approved an immigration bill that granted
permanent resident status to illegal aliens who had arrived
in the United States before 1977.
1985 A year-long strike began when 1,400 Geo. A. Hormel and Co.
meat packers walked off the job.
1992 Woody Allen admitted to being romantically involved with
Soon-Yi Previn. The girl was the adopted daughter of Mia
Farrow, Allen's longtime companion.
1996 A military cargo plane crashed in Wyoming killing eight
crewmembers and a Secret Service employee. The plane was
carrying gear for U.S. President Clinton.
1998 U.S. President Clinton admitted to having an improper
relationship with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern.
1998 NationsBank and BankAmerica merge to create the largest
U.S. bank.
1998 Russia devalued the ruble.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 16.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Hawaiian 19-Year-Old 'Mastermind' who robbed 3 banks,
got a root canal, bragged on Facebook, with picture
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1960 Cyprus was granted independence by Britain.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
--- William H. Mauldin (1921 - 2003)
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
--- Jane Caminos
A couple had been married for 45 years and had
raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with
22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying
together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years
ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to
pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

I was a Bible seller a few years ago when I was down on my
luck a bit. Trying to sell Bibles on the corner was tough and
I wasn't doing too well when this young fellow with a really
bad stutter came up to me and said,
"Wha wha what are you, you, try try trying to s s s sell?"
I said I'm selling Bibles and I'm not doing too well.
Well with that he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
"C c c can I t t ttake a couple and s s s sell them them
d d door to d d door for you?" he asked.
So I gave him three Bibles and he was off, but only for
twenty minutes and he was back cash in hand, amazing!
So with no hesitation he was off with six more, and again
about half an hour later, all gone! Incredible, too good to
be true, so I thought I'd follow him and see what his
secret was!
He tapped on the door of his next house and I heard him
say to the householder,"W ww wo wou would you you you
li li li like t t t to b b b buy a B B BIble or would y y y you
you you li li li like like m m me t t t ta read it t t to you?!!
Thanks to Janina for this picture from her garden:
Click on the picture for the large version
Dear WEbby, Hope you enjoy this photo I caught in
my garden this afternoon.
Thanks for always sharing a great humor letter and
so much useful information.
I hope you continue to feel better
and wish you all the best!
Janina from NJ

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Reported by Helen
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Marcus Kalani Watson, also known as Kiki Seui, 19, Oahu, HI
Hawaiian 19-Year-Old 'Mastermind' who robbed 3 banks,
got a root canal, bragged on Facebook, with picture
A 19-year-old mastermind of armed robberies at a recycling
center and three Oahu banks used part of the nearly $41,000
stolen on dental work, according to an FBI affidavit filed
in federal court.
Marcus Kalani Watson, also known as Kiki Seui, pointed a
pistol at the chest of a Reynolds Recycling worker and
threatened to shoot him after the worker threw cash on the
ground during the April 22 robbery, court documents show
an informant told the FBI.
Two days later, Watson posted a photo of himself on
Facebook holding a large amount of cash, the FBI said.
The worker "was the one acting tough," Watson told the
informant, according to the FBI. "He almost got shot
right in the chest . . . I cocked the gun. I aimed it
right at him."
Watson also is accused of holding up tellers at the
Wahiawa branch of Central Pacific Bank and the Pearlridge
and Salt Lake branches of American Savings Bank in May.
The FBI said Rogussia Eddie Allen Danielson, 19, was
involved in the American Savings Bank robberies, while
AJ Williander, 18, was the getaway driver in the
Pearlridge branch robbery.

Tech Support Pits
From: Don
Re: Is spoof and spam the same?
Dear Webby
Is " spoof " and " spam " the same thing ?
Thanks for writing a great newsletter
Don, " The Big Guy "
Dear Don
Spam is just junkmail, for example some idiot trying to
sell you breast enlargement pills or snake oil fuel
enhancers, or similar useless stuff.
A spoof is a malicious spam, for example those phony eBay
and PayPal notices, that try to con you into donating your
user name and password, or phony postcard pick-up notices
from unidentified senders like "a classmate" or "a worshipper".
Those infect your computer with a virus if you click on them.
If you don't have MailWasher, then reveal the headers on
anything the slightest bit suspicious and get the hang of
reading the gobbledigook in the header. If the link
underlying the phoney PayPal link is some long and weird
Url, then dump it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Easy Camping Firestarters
My son used to be in Boy Scouts and they loved to make a
fire at night during the summer. For fire starters, we took
the cardboard from toilet paper and taped one end shut.
Then he filled the tube up with dryer lint and taped the
end shut.
When starting a fire, put a few in the fire for fire
starters. The log catches quick and the fire soon spreads
to the wood. It makes a little smoke when burned, so throw
a few in the fire when the bugs come out and the smoke
chases them away.
By Kathy Lynn [2]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to
four thousand feet for noise abatement."
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating
excess noise at three thousand feet?"
Tower: "At four thousand feet, you will miss
that ugly helicopter ahead of you. They make a
big racket when you hit them."
Old man Zack had an incredible mule. They had been together
for years and stayed pretty much to themselves. One day, Zack
and his mule were walking down the road when a passerby asked
if Zack needed a ride to town. Zack accepted the offer and the
driver asked, "What about your mule?"
Zack said, "Oh, don't worry about him. He'll keep up." Then
Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind.
The driver was a little cruel and decided to speed up a little.
The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55 mph.
The driver accelerated and the mule and stayed with them.
They reached 70 miles per hour and the mule was still right
behind them. The driver couldn't believe this. He turned to
Zack and said, "I'm worried about your mule. His tongue is
hanging out."
Zack said, "Which way?"
The driver said, "Left."
And Zack said, "Well, stay in this lane, he's about to pass."

Today in
1777 During the American Revolutionary War, the Battle of
Bennington took place. New England's minutemen routed the
British regulars.
1812 Detroit fell to Indian and British troops in the War
of 1812.
1858 A telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to
U.S. President Buchanan was transmitted over the recently
laid trans-Atlantic cable.
1861 U.S. President Lincoln prohibited the Union states
from trading with the states of the Confederacy.
1923 Carnegie Steel Corporation put into place the eight
hour workday for its employees.
1960 Cyprus was granted independence by Britain.
1960 The free-fall world record was set by Joseph Kittinger.
He fell more than 16 miles (about 84,000 feet) before
opening his parachute over New Mexico.
1978 Xerox was fined for excluding Smith-Corona Mfg. from
the copier market. The fine was $25.6 million.
1995 Voters in Bermuda rejected independence from
Great Britain.
1999 In Russia, Vladimir V. Putin was confirmed as prime
minister by the lower house of parliament.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 15
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Floriduh duo busted for x-rated romp in parking lot
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1057 Macbeth, the King of Scotland, was killed by the son
of King Duncan.

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
--- Dan Quayle (1947 - )
Thanks to Liz for his story:
To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a
pregnancy test kit. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she
asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared
to the clerk when I waddled up nine months pregnant to pay for
the kit. "Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now.
You're definitely going to have a baby."

>From Lorraine
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of
the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained
that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-
grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a
living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free pro-
fessional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine
and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Click on the picture for the large version

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Reported by Helen
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
April Newcomb, 42, and Brandon Tinyes, 20, Bradenton, Floriduh
Floriduh duo busted for x-rated romp in parking lot
AUGUST 13--A Florida woman who once was busted for cheering
on her teenage daughter during a videotaped brawl with a
classmate was arrested yesterday after cops spotted her
having sex with a 20-year-old man while standing outside
a pickup truck parked in front of a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s
restaurant.
Responding to a 6 PM report of “two individuals engaging in
sexual activity on the side of a red pickup truck,” cops
discovered April Newcomb, 42, and Brandon Tinyes,20 , trysting.
The couple was standing next to the open driver’s side door
of a “red pickup truck with the tailgate down and both doors
open.” The parking lot was “full of foot travel by people.”
Apparently it got too hot inside the parked truck.
As detailed in an explicit Manatee County Sheriff’s Office
report, a deputy spotted Tinyes “thrusting his hip back
and forth” while the “moaning” Newcomb’s legs were wrapped
around him. Newcomb and Tinyes were both naked from the
waist down and had their genitals exposed, according to
the report.
After Tinyes “moved away from between” Newcomb’s legs, the
pair explained that “they were friends and having sex.”
Newcomb and Tinyes (pictured above) were arrested for lewd
and lascivious behavior and exposure of sexual organs, both
misdemeanors. Newcomb, a Bradenton resident, remains locked
up in the county jail on $620 bond. Tinyes, who was also hit
with a marijuana possession count, bailed out of custody
earlier today.
Newcomb was previously in the news in September 2010, when
she was arrested for felony child abuse after she was seen
on YouTube videos loudly encouraging her daughter to fight
another teenager (a still from one of those videos is below).
One video shows Newcomb, serving as her child’s corner man,
yelling, “Don’t fucking stop” and “Punch her in the fucking
body.”
I remember considering her for a bonehead award, but at
that time she got beat out by an even dumber crook.

Tech Support Pits
From: Janice
Re: Gmail filters
Dear Webby
You have mentioned Gmail filters, but I never paid attention.
Now that HAR* spam is going on my nerves.
Can you please tell us again how to make filters?
Thanks
Janice
Dear Janice
Type the common search criteria into the search on top of
Gmail. Pull down the little arrow on the right of the search
and fine-tune the search. For example put "Harper" into the
"Doesn't have" field. Yes, they finally added at least one
Boolean field. Not like the 16 in MailWasher, but even one
is a help.
Then at the right bottom of that is a link to make a filter
with that info.
In the next window you specify what is to be done with
the found stuff, for example "Delete it".
Don't forget to put a checkmark at the bottom into
"Also apply to matching conversations"
That's snooty yuppy talk for
"Stuff already found in your account,
not just stuff, that might show up in the future".
After you hit make this filter, it will take some time,
but eventually your inbox will be updated without the
obnoxious Har* crap.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Using An Iron For Candle Wax Cleanup
I always do the same thing no matter where the wax has
dripped; once on expensive (not mine) speakers. Let the
iron heat up to a medium/light setting and have many paper
towels (or paper bags ripped into squares) ready. You put
down the paper or paper bag then place the iron on the spot.
As soon as you see the paper (bag) getting a wet look to
it remove it. Do the same thing over again and again until
it's all removed. It works on wood, fabric, even walls
(that you can't scrape).
I have only once had a color stain left. That time I used
a baking soda mixture to remove the small reddish stain
left behind.
Sometimes the easy things seem too simple, but try it.
I have never had it fail. Make sure you don't let too much
absorb at once, keep replacing the paper towels. The time
I didn't have paper towels was when I cut a grocery brown
bag up into squares and it worked also. Good luck!
By Luana M. from San Diego, CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising
activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a
sour-faced, older lady came to the door and barked out, "What
do you want, Sonny?"
"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, ma'am?"
"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who
would drink beer?" replied the lady.
"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar
bottles?"
>From Ashton
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly
me out to the meeting on business class. During the return
flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry,
I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a sick
bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess
approached me. "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that
for you?"
I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

Today in
1057 Macbeth, the King of Scotland, was killed by the son
of King Duncan.
1848 The dental chair was patented by M. Waldo Hanchett.
1877 Thomas Edison wrote to the president of the Telegraph
Company in Pittsburgh, PA. The letter stated that the word,
"hello" would be a more appropriate greeting than "ahoy"
when answering the telephone.
1911 The product Crisco was introduced by Procter & Gamble
1914 The Panama Canal was officially opened to commercial
traffic as an American ship sailed from the Atlantic to
the Pacific Ocean.
1918 Diplomatic ties between the U.S. and Russia were
severed.
1943 Because of his special talent to use food scraps
in both unusual and appetizing recipes, the U.S. War
Department awarded Sgt. Edward Dzuba the Legion of Merit.
1944 The Allied forces of World War II landed in southern
France.
1947 India became independent from Britain and was divided
into the countries of India and Pakistan. India had been
under British about 200 years.
1948 The Republic of Korea was proclaimed.
1949 In San Francisco, a stunt leap off the Golden Gate
Bridge was performed for the first time.
1961 East German workers began construction of Berlin Wall.
1971 U.S. President Nixon announced a 90-day freeze on wages,
rents and prices.
1986 The U.S. Senate approved a package of economic sanctions
against South Africa. The ban included the importing of steel,
uranium, textiles, coal, and produce from South Africa.
1997 The U.S. Justice Department decided not to prosecute FBI
officials in connection with the deadly 1992 Ruby Ridge siege
in Idaho. The investigation dealt with an alleged cover-up.
2001 Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar
system outside our own. They had discovered two planets
orbiting a star in the Big Dipper.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 14
Thank you, Nancy!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
NC burglar caught draggiing safe through town
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1953 The whiffle ball was invented.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs.
But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you
can make a crowd of men.
--- Max Beerbohm (1872 - 1956)
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he
arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I
forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false
teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of
false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting
was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've
been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

Amy and Jamie are Old Friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
Click on the picture for the large version

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Reported by Helen
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Ryan James Mullins, 22, Swansboro, NC
Burglar caught dragging safe behind truck
A Swansboro man is accused of stealing a safe from a drug
store during an early-morning break-in.
Police say 22-year-old Ryan James Mullins was dragging the
safe when he was caught Tuesday. He's charged with
safecracking, breaking and entering, larceny after
breaking and entering, possession of stolen goods,
trafficking of opium or heroin and several traffic
violations.
Officers responding to an alarm say they found Mullins
driving down a road towing the safe. The safe in the
incident was about 8 feet tall and about 2 feet deep
and was used to hold medications, according to Public
Safety Chief Bob Ritchie. It's believed that Mullins
was trying to get controlled substances from the safe.
That must have woken up half of Swansboro!
Remember the sound of students dragging dumpsters
filled with drunk youngsters around town during
spring break celebrations? That safe must have
made a similar racket.

Tech Support Pits
From: Jim
Re: Forwarding movies
Good morning, Dude!
Another question for you. Ophelia sometimes has these
video clips that I would like to copy to send to friends
but I have had no luck figuring out how. Help!?
Thanks again....you're the greatest!
Jim
Dear Jim
Why not just send them the URL to her newsletter or her
Blog archive? Even if you manage to save them and get them
to work on your machine, which can be very tricky, it is
a big gamble whether they will work on your buddy's machine.
In her blog scroll to the bottom of THAT day, and click on
the tiny PERMA-LINK link. That gives you a URL, that goes
straight to that day, even if it is from years ago.
With any luck your buddy will sign up and make her day.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Blanket Curtain Without Sewing
This blanket was the perfect size, color, and price to
cover my closet. But my sewing machine is in storage so...
I got 10 binder clips and a package of shower curtain rings
from the dollar store, and made them work. Now that I have
done this, I can advise you to use something just a bit
thinner for the rings. I couldn't get them through, but
one of the loops to click them. So anything would work;
bigger key rings, etc.
Looks nice, huh? Total cost: $2.95.
N-JOY!
By Sandi/Poor But Proud [397]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are
bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-
consuming households score below average on
standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was
baked in the home, the average life expectancy
was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects
deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged
for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the
user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut
butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the
human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows
that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450
degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an
adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable
to distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless AlGorian statistical babbling.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom
scale sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver,
she commented, "I don't think that's going to help"
"Sure it does, " he says,
"it's the only way I can see the numbers."

Today in
1248 The rebuilding of the Cologne Cathedral in Cologne,
Germany, began after being destroyed by fire.
1805 A peace treaty between the U.S. and Tunis was signed
on board the USS Constitution.
1848 The Oregon Territory was established.
1880 The Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany was completed
after 632 years of rebuilding.
1888 A patent for the electric meter was granted to Oliver
B. Shallenberger.
1896 Gold was discovered in Canada's Yukon Territory. Within
the next year more than 30,000 people rushed to the area
to look for gold.
1900 An international force, consisting of eight nations,
lifted the siege of Peking. It was the end to the Boxer
Rebellion, which was aimed at purging China of foreigners.
1917 China declared war on Germany and Austria during
World War I.
1919 About 1 million tons of ice and rock broke off of a
glacier near Mont Blanc, France. Nine people were killed
in the incident.
1935 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the
Social Security Act into law. The act created unemployment
insurance and pension plans for the elderly.
1936 The first basketball competition was held at the
Olympic Games in Berlin, Germany. The U.S. defeated
Canada, 19-8.
1941 The U.S. Congress appropriated the funds to construct
the Pentagon (approximately $83 million). The building
was the new home of the U.S. War Department.
1944 The federal government allowed the manufacture of
certain domestic appliances to resume on a limited basis.
1945 It was announced by U.S. President Truman that Japan
had surrendered unconditionally. The surrender ended
World War II.
1947 Pakistan became independent from British rule.
1953 The whiffle ball was invented.
1962 A U.S. mail truck was held up in Plymouth, MA. The
robbers got away with more that $1.5 million dollars.
1969 British troops arrived in Northern Ireland to
intervene in sectarian violence between Protestants
and Roman Catholics.
1973 The U.S. bombing of Cambodia ended. The halt marked
the official end to 12 years of combat in Indochina
by the U.S.
1976 A charity softball game began for the Community General
Hospital in Monticello, NY. The game was eventually called
off due to weather after 30 hours. The final score was
Gager's Diner's 491 to Bend 'n Elbow Tavern's 467.
1980 People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was
incorporated.
1992 The U.S. announced that emergency airlifts of food
to Somalia would begin. The action was being taken to
stop mass deaths due to starvation.
1995 Shannon Faulkner became the first female cadet in the
history of The Citadel, South Carolina's state military
college. She quit the school less than a week later.
2000 Valujet was ordered to pay $11 million in fines and
restitution for hazardous waste violations in the crash
that killed 110 people in 1996.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 13
Thank you, Nancy!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Delaware burglar caught cooking crab cakes
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1961 Berlin was divided by a barbed wire fence to halt the
flight of East Germans to the West. Two days later work
on the Berlin Wall began.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs.
But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you
can make a crowd of men.
--- Max Beerbohm (1872 - 1956)
The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand,
the French eat a lot of fat, and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians
drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like.
It's speaking English that kills you.

Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible
and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he
was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad
language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" He asked, very concerned.
She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."
Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Stephen Quinn, 41, Delaware
Burglar caught cooking crab cakes
A burglar was arrested after being caught cooking crab cakes
at the restaurant he broke into.
Most thieves are usually desperate to get in and out as quickly
as possible, but not Stephen L. Quinn who was busy preparing
a midnight snack in the kitchen after breaking the glass
front door at Delaware's Planet X Cafe.
But before he could sit down and enjoy his meal-for-one,
police arrived on the scene and captured the 41-year-old
after he tried to give officers the slip.
Quinn, who had also stolen a bottle of alcohol to accompany
his food, was charged with burglary, theft under $1,500,
criminal mischief, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct,
reports Delmarvanow.

Tech Support Pits
From: Ellen
Re: Delete redundant URL and form choices in Chrome
Dear Webby,
Thanks so very much for your daily humor letter.
I will try to upload some of your photos to Facebook or e-mails and I get
This error message;"Can't Read Files
Your photos couldn't be uploaded. Photos should be saved as JPG, PNG, GIF or TIFF files."
Sometimes it just reads "Error."
I have copied some and then scanned the copy and itd is still the same.
How do I get photos in JEPG? I thought all my photo files were JEPG.
Thanks so much for help...I need all the help I can get!
Dear Hank
Make sure the file names do not have spaces in them.
Busty Blonde.jpg won't work
BustyBlonde.jpg will work fine.
There should not be ANY empty spaces in the file names,
including at the end.
When you scan something, save it as JPG, not as TIF.
Some scanners come pre-set for TIFF, especially if they
are Scan/Fax combos. TIFF has it's uses, but can be a
real nuisance, and most browsers don't accept it.
You can use any graphics program to convert TIF or TIFF
pictures to JPG. Don't just rename them, that makes
them useless. You have to actually convert them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Vanilla Extract Room Freshener
Recently I wanted to freshen up my home and had no air
freshener on hand. Instead I took a small pot and placed
some water in it, added a few drops of vanilla and some
ground ginger. I then put it on the stove at the lowest
setting and let it simmer. The whole house smelled
wonderful!
By countryheart from Marianna, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just
before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them,
"Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain
was the correct answer, "Because most of the people
are sleeping!"
Bob was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was his
first time in a casino, and he wasn't sure how the machines
operated.
"Excuse me." he said to a casino employee. "How does
this work?"
The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin
button, and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" he asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"It comes out at the ATM over there."

Today in
1521 Present day Mexico City was captured by Spanish conqueror
Hernando Cortez from the Aztec Indians.
1704 The Battle of Blenheim was fought during the War of the
Spanish Succession, resulting in a victory for English and
Austrian forces.
1792 French revolutionaries took the entire French royal
family and imprisoned them.
1889 A patent for a coin-operated telephone was issued
to William Gray.
1932 Adolf Hitler refused to take the post of vice-chancellor
of Germany. He said he was going to hold out
"for all or nothing."
1942 Henry Ford unveiled his "Soybean Car." It was a
plastic-bodied car that weighed about 1000 lbs. less than
a steel car.
1959 In New York, ground was broken on the $320 million
Verrazano Narrows Bridge.
1960 "Echo I," a balloon satellite, allowed the first
two-way telephone conversation by satellite to take place.
1961 Berlin was divided by a barbed wire fence to halt the
flight of East Germans to the West. Two days later work
on the Berlin Wall began.
1985 The engagement of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger
was announced.
1990 Iraq transferred $3-4 billion in bullion, currency, and
other goods seized from Kuwait to Baghdad.
1992 Woody Allen began legal action to win custody of his
three children. A judge ruled against Allen in 1993.
1994 It was reported that aspirin not only helps reduce
the risk of heart disease, but also helps prevent
colon cancer.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 12.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Las Vegas MMA fighter, who beat up his girlfriend.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1981 - IBM unveiled its first PC.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If there were in the world today any large number of people
who desired their own happiness more than they desired the
unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
--- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
A boy and his dad were playing with toy cars. The father had the
police car and pretended to pull over the car that the boy was
playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" he asked the boy.
"No," the boy answered seriously.
"Are you resisting arrest?" asked the father.
The boy hesitated, then said, "Yes, I'm not sleepy yet."

On her way back from the concession stand, Sally
asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me,
but did I step on your foot before?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."
The woman nodded. "Oh good. Then this is my row."
Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Jonathan Koppenhaver, Las Vegas, NV
Porn Star Christy Mack Hospitalized
After MMA Fighter Attacks, Flees
Las Vegas police are searching for a mixed martial arts
fighter who they believe attacked his girlfriend and
then fled.
Jonathan Koppenhaver is accused of beating porn star
Christy Mack on Friday evening in an attack that left
her with "serious" but not "life-threatening" injuries,
cops told the Las Vegas Review-Journal.
She has more tattoos, but Koppenhaver, a trained boxer and
MMA fighter, outweighs her almost two to one.
His name on Twitter is WarMachine170
-------------
War Machine ? @WarMachine170
I only wish that man hadn't been there and that
Christy & I would behappily engaged.I don't know
y I'm so cursed.One day truth will come out
War Machine @WarMachine170 · 22h
I'm not a bad guy, I went to surprise my gf, help
her set up her show and to give her an engagement
ring and ended up fighting for my life.
-----------
There is no news about the man who made him fight for his
life, and who apparently left before Koppenhaver took his
frustrations out on his girlfriend. His tweets hint towards
a UPS driver.
Considering his tattoos and addiction to muscle building
gyms, he will probably be caught soon.

Tech Support Pits
From: Ellen
Re: Delete redundant URL and form choices in Chrome
Dear Webby,
Chrome is trying to be helpful when I fill out forms
or type URLs. Usually that is great, but when a typo is
higher in the alphabet, it shows that on top, and after
a while, there is just too much useless crap on top to
make that feature a nuisance, not a help.
How do I weed that out?
Ellen
Dear Ellen
Scroll down th list of choices that Chrome offers,
highlight a bad one, and hit SHIFT DELETE.
Just Delete alone won't help.
With SHIFT DEL you can weed out the choices one by one.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Grass Skirts From Tissue Paper
In the old days when they made pom poms we used a form of
tissue paper. Well I thought to be easy and so children
can help, use tissue paper of any colors. You can use the
same color or different colors. It is a fun way of doing
it and the children love helping. They can do the cutting
or the pasting on the material that is used for the waist
band. That is how we make a grass skirt.
By Georgett from Hacienda Heights, CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came
back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I want to get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want
to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to
pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole..."
A man goes to the eye doctor.
The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front
of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen an
Optometrist?"
The man replies, "No, just spots."

Today in
1676 - "King Phillip's War" came to an end with the killing
of Indian chief King Phillip. The war between the Indians
and the Europeans lasted for two years.
1851 - Isaac Singer was issued a patent on the double-headed
sewing machine.
1865 - Disinfectant was used for the first time during surgery
by Joseph Lister.
1877 - Thomas Edison invented the phonograph and made the first
sound recording.
1898 - The Spanish-American War was ended with the signing
of the peace protocol. The U.S. acquired Guam, Puerto Rico
and the Philippines. Hawaii was also annexed.
1915 - "Of Human Bondage", by William Somerset Maugham, was
first published.
1918 - Regular airmail service began between Washington, DC,
and New York City.
1939 - "The Wizard of Oz" premiered in Oconomowoc, WI. Judy
Garland became famous for the movie's song "Somewhere Over
the Rainbow." The movie premiered in Hollywood on August 15th.
1953 - The Soviet Union secretly tested its first hydrogen bomb.
1960 - The balloon satellite Echo One was launched by the U.S.
from Cape Canaveral, FL. It was the first communications
satellite.
1962 - The Soviet Union launched Pavel Popovich into orbit.
Popovich and Andrian Nikolayev, who was launched a day
before, both landed on August 15.
1977 - The space shuttle Enterprise passed its first solo
flight test.
1981 - IBM unveiled its first PC.
1985 - A Japan Air Lines Boeing 747 crashed into a mountain
killing 520 people.
1986 - It was announced by NASA that they had selected a
new rocket design for the space shuttle. The move was made
in an effort at correcting the flaws that were believed to
have been responsible for the Challenger disaster.
1992 - The U.S., Canada, and Mexico announced that the
North American Free Trade Agreement had been created after
14 months of negotiations.
1993 - U.S. President Clinton lifted the ban on rehiring air
traffic controllers that had been fired for going on strike
in 1981.
1994 - Major league baseball players went on strike rather
than allow team owners to limit their salaries. The strike
lasted for 232 days. As a result, the World Series was wiped
out for the first time in 90 years.
1998 - Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion as restitution
to World War II Holocaust victims.
1999 - Hang Thu Thi Ngyuen shot an arrow from a bow with her
feet on "Guinness World Records: Primetime" and hit a target
that was 16 feet and 5 inches away.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 11.
Those models sure get around!
Marseilles
Iraq
Lybia
Iran
Where else have you seen them?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
NC man arrested after beating cops
in a donut eating contest.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000
commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon
Valdez oil spill.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
--- John Russell
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you
long on money and short on mistakes.
--- Aaron McGruder
>From Dianne:
What are some cultural differences between
Canadians and Americans?
How do you get 100 New Yorkers out of the pool?
Answer: Say “Every one STAY in the pool!
How do you get 100 Californians out of the pool?
Answer: Say “This pool has been CHEMICALLY TREATED
for your protection!
How do you get 100 Republicans out of the pool?
Answer: Say “Being in this pool shows your support for the Obama.
How do you get 100 Democrats out of the pool?
Answer: Say “This pool will be FUNDED COMPLETELY by the
people in the pool!’
The difference between Canadians and Americans?
HOW DO YOU GET 100 CANADIANS OUT OF THE POOL?
ANSWER: SAY “Please get out of the pool.”

When I attended a convention once of
oil men, the first speaker was from Texas.
He rambled on about stuff for a good half
hour and then introduced the next gent,
who happened to be from Oklahoma. The
Texas man said, "Oklahoma, an outlying
province of Texas."
The second speaker said, "Thank you,
Mr. Smith, but, just to set the record straight,
there ain't NO state that can out-lie Texas."
Thanks to Janina for this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

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Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Bradley Hardison, 24, of Elizabeth City, NC
Burglar Caught After Beating Cops
In Doughnut-Eating Contest
The sweet victory for a North Carolina man who beat police
officers in a doughnut-eating contest this week soured
after a newspaper story about the win led to his arrest
on breaking and entering charges.
Bradley Hardison, 24, of Elizabeth City downed eight
doughnuts in two minutes during a contest Tuesday night
at an anti-crime event hosted by the city's police
department, according to a story in the Daily Advance.
That report caught the eye of Camden County Sheriff's
Lieutenant Max Robeson, who said his detectives had
been trying to interview Hardison for about nine months
after suspecting him in break-ins at two local businesses.
Robeson said they brought Hardison in for questioning
on Wednesday.
"I said, 'Congratulations on your win last night,'"
Robeson recalled, before arresting the man on criminal
charges of breaking and entering and injury to real
property.
Hardison remained in jail on Friday, the sheriff's
lieutenant said.

Tech Support Pits
From: Maureen
Re: Painful laptop keyboard
Dear Webby,
Since I switched to a laptop, my hands cramp and hurt.
Is that due to trhe heat from the laptop coming up
between the keys, or me getting old, or what?
What do you recommend?
Maureen
Dear Maureen
Dig out one of your old keyboards and plug that into a
USB port of the laptop. If you got rid of them already,
just buy a regular keyboard. The cramps and pain will
be gone in a few days.
That will also eliminate the hassle of not having a
numeric keypad.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Red Wine To Attract Fruit Flies
I tried the fruit in a pretty vase and the red-wine vinegar
traps that you so graciously shared. Thank you. Although
they attracted a few, the hands-down winner was using
actual red wine.
I used a small container (dipping-sauce bowl, or espresso
cup), and poured in some wine (enough that they can drown).
I then put the plastic wrap over the top, poked a few holes,
and put it where they were flying about. By the next morning,
there were a good 30+ in these containers (whereas the fruit
and red wine vinegar traps had 5 or so).
It took a good three days of new traps, but over 95%
were gone.
Thanks for the tips. Hope this feedback is helpful.
By Oscar from Canada
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck
and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each. After awhile they meet
again and one asks the other, "What did you
find in your sack?"
"Half a million bucks."
"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all
that cash?"
"I bought a house and a boat. How about
your sack?"
"Bah... mine was full o' bills"
"And what did you do with them?"
"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."
Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered
by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started
to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across an old country
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches ...
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against
the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible
headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove
your testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he
had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long
enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live
a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I
need ... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit", and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the suit and
it fit him perfectly.
As Joe admired himself, the salesman said,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a
16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
said, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said,
"Let's see 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman said,
"How about some new underwear?
"Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see ... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I
was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34.
A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your
spine and give you a hell of a headache."

Today in
1860 The first successful silver mill in America began
operations. The mill was in Virginia City, NV.
1874 A patent for the sprinkler head was given to
Harry S. Parmelee.
1877 The two moons of Mars were discovered by Asaph Hall,
an American astronomer. He named them Phobos and Deimos.
1896 Harvey Hubbell received a patent for the electric light
bulb socket with a pull-chain.
1909 The American ship Arapahoe became the first to ever
use the SOS distress signal off the coast of Cape Hatteras, NC.
1934 Alcatraz, in San Francisco Bay, received federal
prisoners for the first time.
1945 The Allies informed Japan that they would determine
Emperor Hirohito's future status after Japan's surrender.
1954 Seven years of fighting came to an end in Indochina.
A formal peace was in place for the French and the
Communist Vietminh.
1962 Andrian Nikolayev, of the Soviet Union, was launched
on a 94-hour flight. He was the third Russian to go into space.
1965 The U.S. conducted a second launch of "Surveyor-SD 2"
for a landing on the Moon surface test.
1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan was preparing for his
weekly radio broadcast when, during testing of the microphone,
the President said of the Soviet Union, "My fellow Americans,
I am pleased to tell you that I just signed legislation that
would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
1990 Egyptian and Moroccan troops joined U.S. forces in
Saudi Arabia to help protect from a possible Iraqi attack.
1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000
commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon
Valdez oil spill.
1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton.
He didn't want the US to be stronger than Mexico.
1997 U.S. President Clinton made the first use of the line-item
veto approved by Congress, rejecting three items in spending
and tax bills.
1998 British Petroleum became No. 3 among oil companies with
the $49 billion purchase of Amoco. It was the largest foreign
takeover of a U.S. company.
2002 US Airways announced that it had filed for bankruptcy.
2003 Charles Taylor, President of Liberia, flew into exile after
ceding power to his vice president, Moses Blah.
2003 In Kabul, NATO took command of the 5,000-strong peacekeeping
force in Afghanistan.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 10.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Church Leader Jerald Hill Arrested
for Attempted Dog Sex
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1885 The first electric streetcar, to be used commercially,
was operated in Baltimore, MD, by Leo Daft.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Always and never are two words you should always
remember never to use.
--- Wendell Johnson
The trouble with being punctual is that
nobody's there to appreciate it.
--- Franklin P. Jones
The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining
campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle
and began feverishly unloading gear and setting
up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood,
while the girls and their mother set up the camp
stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters'
father, "That, sir, is some great display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes
to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
by the beer, Wine, and liquor section. One asked the other
if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice
to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without
a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said,
"This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag
with the beer saying,
"Here, don't forget the curlers."
Thanks to Nanarina for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
Parking in the shade guaranteed!

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Jerald Hill, 56, Roach, Missouri
Church Leader Jerald Hill Arrested
for Attempted Dog Sex
A church leader in Roach, Missouri, is out of a job after
being arrested for allegedly trying to arrange a sexual
encounter with a dog. Jerald Hill, 56, was arrested Tuesday
on suspicion of attempted unlawful sex with an animal and
attempted animal abuse.
Authorities began investigating Hill after the Boone County
Sheriff’s Department Cyber Crimes Task Force got a tip
about a Craigslist post by a man looking for two types of
animals for sex.
One of the chosen animals was a dog, but investigators
declined to mention the other type of animal, the Columbia
Tribune reports.
An undercover detective contacted Hill by email and offered
a dog for sex. The two then arranged a meeting in Columbia.
When Hill arrived, he was arrested without incident,
according to CBS St. Louis.
Hill was released after paying $1,000 bail.
The allegations have had a negative effect on Hill's job
as the CEO of the Windermere Baptist Conference Center.
A day after Hill's arrest, church leaders released a
statement saying that the organization is "concerned for
the well-being of Jerry," but will meet next week to
start "the process of looking for a new president and CEO,”
according to APBnews.com.

Tech Support Pits
From: Daniel
Re: Can I use a headset as a microphone?
Dear Webby,
I have external speakers plugged into the green socket on
my computer. The sound works well. Can I plug just the pink
plug from my headset into the pink socket on the computer
and ignore the green plug? How close do I have to get to
the microphone?
Daniel
Dear Daniel
That works well. Most headset microphones are sensitive
enough, so that you can hang the headset up nearby and
it will work fine. Pull off that foam cover from the
microphone, and it's range will be greatly extended.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cooking with Frozen Tomatoes
I use my frozen tomatoes in soups and stews. But the big
thing I do is save them until I have enough to can them
and I make my own spaghetti sauce. I thaw them and make
my sauce and then I have lots on hand. If I have extra
I make some chili sauce also. You can use frozen tomatoes
in canning just like fresh ones and once thawed the
skins slip off nice and easy!
By Artena from Tahsis, BC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

The nursery school teacher decided to tell her class
about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the
things we should be happy is that, in this country,
we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the
back of the room. He stood with his hands on
his hips and said:
"I'm not free. I'm four."
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Today in
1792 King Louis XVI was taken into custody by mobs during
the French Revolution. He was executed the following
January after being put on trial for treason.
1869 The motion picture projector was patented by O.B. Brown.
1881 Thomas Edison's exhibit opened the Paris Electrical
Exhibition.
1885 The first electric streetcar, to be used commercially,
was operated in Baltimore, MD, by Leo Daft.
1914 Austria-Hungary invaded Russia.
1927 Mount Rushmore was formally dedicated. The individual
faces of the presidents were dedicated later.
1944 U.S. forces defeated the remaining Japanese
resistance on Guam.
1945 The day after the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan
announced they would surrender. The only condition was
that the status of Emperor Hirohito would remain unchanged.
1947 William Odom completed an around-the-world flight.
He set the solo record by completing the flight in 73 hours
and 5 minutes.
1948 On ABC, "Candid Camera" made its TV debut. The original
title was "Candid Microphone."
1954 Construction began on the St. Lawrence Seaway.
1988 U.S. President Reagan signed a measure that provided
$20,000 payments to Japanese-Americans who were interned
by the U.S. government during World War II.
1994 U.S. President Clinton claimed presidential immunity
when he asked a federal judge to dismiss, at least for
the time being, a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by
Paula Corbin Jones.
1999 Near an India-Pakistan border area an Indian fighter
jet shot down a Pakistani naval aircraft. Sixteen people
were killed.
2003 Ekaterina Dmitriev and Russian cosmonaut Yuri
Malenchenko were married. Malenchenko was about 240 miles
above the earth in the international space station. It
was the first-ever marriage from space.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 9.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Oklahoma teacher, who turned up
drunk and without pants
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1945 The U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki.
The bombing came three days after the bombing of Hiroshima.
About 74,000 people were killed. Japan surrendered August 14.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

That is the greatest fallacy, the wisdom of old men.
They do not grow wise. They grow careful.
--- Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
A couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 40 years of
marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because
you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would
like to give you each one wish."
The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the
world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the
tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment,
then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years
younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF!
He was 90.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass
door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed
to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would
you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him and bashing their teeth out on the counter."
Thanks to Nnanarina for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Lorie Ann Hill, 49, in Wagoner, Oklahoma
Oklahoma teacher, who turned up
drunk and without pants
Don't worry about forgetting your homework;
this teacher forgot her pants, witnesses said.
Oklahoma schoolteacher Lorie Ann Hill, 49, was allegedly
spotted drunk and without pants on her first day of work
at Wagoner High School Monday, Fox 23 reported.
“She was found in a room kind of disoriented,” Police Chief
Bob Haley told Tulsa World. “By the time we got there she
was in a room and wearing shorts.”
Hill was hired by the school this year for a special education
position, according to the Muskogee Phoenix.
She allegedly admitted to drinking vodka before coming to work,
and was charged with public intoxication.
Classes do not start in Wagoner until Thursday.

Tech Support Pits
From: Bree
Re: Could a spreadsheet be stretched over two monitors?
Dear Webby,
My Excel spreadsheet is getting too wide for one monitor.
Would it work if it is spread over two monitors?
I have a real monitor on my desktop, not a laptop.
Bree
Dear Bree
Yes, that works fine, as long as both monitors are the
same size. If they are different sizes, the spreadsheet
rows don't line up and will drive you nuts.
Until you get a second monitor, try holding down CTRL and
scrolling the mouse wheel to reduce the zoom.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Solar Lights For Indoor Lighting
I would like to submit the following tip to your
newsletters. Maybe it will help some folks!
There was a recent tip in the Dollar Stretcher newsletter
about using a solar yard lamp during a thunderstorm. I can
take that one step further.
When I lived with two roommates, we had little extra
spending money. We were always looking for ways to save a
buck or two. Electricity was one area where we thought we
had done enough, but we were wrong!
During a trip to a local hardware store to pick up some
nails, we noticed that there were two types of solar yard
lamps available - fixed (on a spike or stake), or hanging
(from a hook, sometimes connected to a stake). We saw that
it was only $20 for a three-pack of solar lamps (I've since
seen four packs for the same price, on sale). We bought two
packs of them and six of those pretty plant hangers that
people sometimes use for their hanging plants (the ones
that look like pretty shelf brackets, but with hooks).
When we got home, we mounted the plant hangers over or next
to four windows in our house and put the solar lamps on them.
Then, we hung the other two on the house, next to the front
and back doors. In the late afternoon or early evening, we
would open up the blinds to allow the sunlight to "charge"
the indoor lights. The outdoor lights took care of themselves.
At night, we had free household lighting that would last
until sunrise if we'd charged them long enough! We kept a
piece of nice material in rooms that we needed to sleep in,
in order to cover the lights when it was time to go to sleep.
The day after we started doing this, we had a neighbor call
us to let us know that we'd left both our porch lights on
overnight. We asked if it had disturbed her.
"No," she said, "I was just worried about your electric bill.
Actually, I felt safer when I came home from work and they
were on, because I could see to put my key into the lock!"
"Well," said my roommate, "You'll feel safer every night then,
because we're leaving them on from now on. In fact, we can't
turn them off! They're solar lamps and the power is free!"
I hope that this tip is useful to all of you and to your
readers.
Thanks,
Miss Elisha
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Here is a delightful old classic:
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
Another classic:
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care
where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air
Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came into the
room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up
all night watching me."

Today in
1678 American Indians sold the Bronx to Jonas Bronck for
400 beads.
1790 The Columbia returned to Boston Harbor after a three
year voyage. It was the first ship to carry the American
flag around the world.
1831 The first American steam locomotive began its first
trip between Schenectady and Albany, NY.
1854 "Walden" was published by Henry David Thoreau.
1859 The escalator was patented by Nathan Ames.
1892 Thomas Edison received a patent for a two-way telegraph.
1910 A.J. Fisher received a patent for the electric
washing machine.
1930 Betty Boop had her beginning in "Dizzy Dishes" created
by Max Fleischer.
1936 Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin
Olympics. He was the first American to win four medals
in one Olympics.
1942 Mohandas K. Gandhi was arrested Britain. He was not
released until 1944.
1944 The Forest Service and Wartime Advertising Council
created "Smokey the Bear."
1945 The U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki.
The bombing came three days after the bombing of Hiroshima.
About 74,000 people were killed. Japan surrendered August 14.
1945 The first network television broadcast occurred in
Washington, DC. The program announced the bombing of
Nagasaki, Japan.
1965 Singapore proclaimed its independence from the Malaysian
Federation.
1973 The U.S. Senate committee investigating the Watergate
affair filed suit against President Richard Nixon.
1974 U.S. President Richard Nixon formally resigned.
Gerald R. Ford took his place, and became the 38th president
of the U.S.
1975 The New Orleans Superdome as officially opened when the
Saints played the Houston Oilers in exhibition football.
The new Superdome cost $163 million to build.
1988 Wayne Gretzky (Edmonton Oilers) was traded. The trade
was at Gretzky's request. He was sent to the Los Angeles Kings.
1996 Boris Yeltsin was sworn in as president of Russia for
the second time.
1999 Russian President Boris Yeltsin fired Prime Minister
Sergei Stepashin and his entire cabinet for the fourth
time in 17 months.
2001 U.S. President George W. Bush announced he would
support federal funding for limited medical research
on embryonic stem cells.
2004 Trump Hotel and Casion Resorts announced plans to
file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 8.
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to an
Oregon Dope, who falls into the river
while masturbating, and needs to be rescued.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1945 During World War II, the Soviet Union
declared war on Japan. After Hiroshima.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.
--- Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
>From Ann
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends.
So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other
woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball
in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband."
Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And
that's my husband - the fat one."

The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the
license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill."
Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is
Winston Churchill."
The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter
said, "That's a pretty famous name."
The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've
been driving a cab here for over forty years."
Thanks to Bill for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Ernest Kirk, 31, Oregon City
Oregon dope falls into the river
while masturbating
Ernest Michael Kirk was charged with public indecency and harassment.
OREGON CITY POLICE DEPT.
Ernest Michael Kirk was charged with public indecency and harassment.
A naked and drunk Oregon man fell into a river while
masturbating in a park in broad daylight, authorities said.
Ernest Michael Kirk, 31, needed to be rescued after falling
into the Willamette River while gratifying himself in
Clackamette Park in Oregon City, according to the
Portland Tribune.
Cops received a phone call shortly after 2 p.m. Saturday
and when they arrived at the scene they caught Kirk in the
act, so to speak, the newspaper reported.
Kirk, who was on a cliff bank just a few feet from the water,
reportedly continued to masturbate with authorities at the
scene. Apparently drunk and disoriented, he soon fell in the
water and needed to be rescued.
After a stay in the hospital, Kirk was charged with public
indecency and harassment, and was hit with a parole violation.
Cops say they believe he may have been using drugs,
according to the Oregonian.

Tech Support Pits
From: Dianne
Re: How do I stop Outlook Express from duplicating mails?
Dear Webby,
All of my mails get duplicated. What's up with that?
How do I stop that nonsense?
Dianne
Dear Dianne
Do a Search for Pop3uidl.dbx
and delete it. After that you will get a whole bunch
of mail the nect time you check it, but after that is
should be OK.
You might also consider upgrading to a more modern
email program like Thunderbird or Windows Live Mail.
Outlook Express is too easy for hackers to infect,
as you have noticed.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Don't Try to Burn Poison Oak
I know what NOT to do. Don't try to burn it. I had a
friend try this and she got very sick from inhaling the
fumes. I suggest wearing disposable gloves so the oil
isn't transferred to anything else.
Good luck!
By Susan E. from Peoria, IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grand-mother's meatloaf for dinner
tonight and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly,
and I know I have the recipe right, because it's the one
you gave me. But, it just didn't come out right and I'm so
upset. I wanted this to be so special for George, because
he loves meatloaf. What could have gone wrong"?
Her mother replied soothing-ly, "Well, dear, let's go through
the recipe. You read it out loud, and tell me exactly what
you did at each step and to-gether we'll figure it out."
"Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out,
'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.'
One day a man called the church office. He said,
"Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said,
"I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the
trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may
refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you
not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving
$100,000 to the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded
"Hang on, I think the big fat pig just waddled in!"

Today in
1356 Edward "the Black Prince" began a raid north from Aquitaine.
1588 The Spanish Armada was defeated by the English fleet
ending an invasion attempt.
1815 Napoleon Bonaparte set sail for St. Helena, in the
South Atlantic. The remainder of his life was spent there
in exile.
1844 After the killing of Joseph Smith, Bringham Young was
chosen to lead the Mormons.
1876 Thomas Edison received a patent for the mimeograph.
The mimeograph was a "method of preparing autographic
stencils for printing."
1899 The refrigerator was patented by A.T. Marshall.
1940 The German Luftwaffe began a series of daylight air
raids on Great Britain.
1945 During World War II, the Soviet Union declared war
on Japan. After Hiroshima.
1953 The U.S. and South Korea initiated a mutual security pact.
1956 Japan launched an oil tanker that was 780 feet long and
weighed 84,730 tons. It was the largest oil tanker in the
world.
1966 Michael DeBakey became the first surgeon to install an
artificial heart pump in a patient.
1974 U.S. President Nixon announced that he would resign
the following day.
1978 The U.S. launched Pioneer Venus II, which carried
scientific probes to study the atmosphere of Venus.
1988 It was announced that a cease-fire between Iraq
and Iran had begun.
1990 American forces began positioning in Saudia Arabia.
1994 The first road link between Israel and Jordan opened.
1994 Representatives from China and Taiwan signed a
cooperation agreement.
2000 The submarine H.L. Hunley was raised from ocean bottom
after 136 years. The sub had been lost during an attack on
the U.S.S. Housatonic in 1864. The Hunley was the first
submarine in history to sink a warship.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 7
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to
Iowa man jailed for "accidentally" exposing
himself through window beside parking lot
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1960 The Cuban Catholic Church condemned the rise of
communism in Cuba. Fidel Castro then banned all religious
TV and radio broadcasts.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I'm a great believer in luck,
and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
--- Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
The thing that impresses me the most about America is the
way parents obey their children.
--- King Edward VIII
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary
from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder
a black eye.
--- Miss Piggy
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed a wrinkled
up old lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman
stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said,
"Go get your Mother."

Wacky laws:
Louisiana:
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the
bank teller with a water pistol.
Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple
assault," while biting someone with your false
teeth is "aggravated assault."
New Mexico:
Females are strictly forbidden to appear
unshaven in public.
Oklahoma:
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for
making ugly faces at a dog.
Pennsylvania:
No man may purchase alcohol without written
consent from his wife.
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives
from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
Washington:
All lollipops and guns are banned.
A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for
a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the
city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
is entering the town.
Thanks to Bill for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Dustin Hills, 35, Iowa City, Iowa
Iowa man jailed for "accidentally" exposing
himself through window beside parking lot
In an apparent attempt to explain why a woman twice
spotted him pleasuring himself in his apartment window,
an Iowa man told cops that the indecent exposure was an
accident, adding that he was “on an adult website at
the time of the second incident.”
Despite that explanation, Dustin Hills, 35, was arrested
last night and booked into the Johnson County jail,
where he remains locked up on a serious misdemeanor charge.
A female victim told cops that, on two separate occasions
last month, she was “outside in a parking lot” when she
“noticed a man displaying his penis and pleasuring himself
while standing in a nearby apartment window.” The man hid
when she yelled at him, the woman reported.
When questioned by investigators, Hills, seen in the mug shot,
“admitted to accidentally displaying his erect penis to
others outside” his Iowa City home, according to a criminal
complaint. Hills added that he was “on an adult website”
when the woman spotted him the second time.

Tech Support Pits
From: Noella
Re: Did Chrome slow down?
Dear Webby,
It could be her ISP too. Remember I wrote about mine a few
weeks ago. I'd done everything I could think of. Finally
I called my ISP. I'd been paying for 12 mbps since
November 2011, but when Repair checked, they found I was
only getting 3 mpbs. They had to manually hook me up to
a line that would handle the faster speed, plus I got a
fairly nice refund.
Noella
Dear Noella
Right!
You can test your speed at http://www.speedtest.net
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freeze Ground Coffee
After trying various methods for storing the large canister
of coffee (more thrifty), I settled on freezing it. I noticed
the aroma from the un-brewed coffee deteriorated with all the
other methods. This way, one doesn't get that sharp smell
when opening the container. No need to thaw; just measure,
brew, and enjoy!
By Cay from Green Cove Springs, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being
heckled by fans.
But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an
exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long
search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located
a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires
Only."
As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign
more closely. Below the printed legend was the same
message... written in Braille.
>From Ellen
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers
at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary,
Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers,
but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary.
You're Number 2."

Today in
1782 George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart.
1888 Theophilus Van Kannel received a patent for the
revolving door.
1914 Germany invaded France.
1934 The U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a lower court ruling
striking down the government's attempt to ban the
controversial James Joyce novel "Ulysses."
1942 U.S. forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start
of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during
World War II.
1947 The balsa wood raft Kon-Tiki, which had carried a
six-man crew 4,300 miles across the Pacific Ocean, crashed
into a reef in a Polynesian archipelago.
1959 The U.S. launched Explorer 6, which sent back a picture
of the Earth.
1960 The Cuban Catholic Church condemned the rise of
communism in Cuba. Fidel Castro then banned all religious
TV and radio broadcasts.
1964 The U.S. Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin resolution,
which gave President Johnson broad powers in dealing with
reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. forces.
1974 French stuntman Philippe Petit walked a tightrope strung
between the twin towers of New York's World Trade Center.
1976 Scientists in Pasadena, CA, announced that the Viking 1
spacecraft had found strong indications of possible life
on Mars.
1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush ordered U.S. troops and
warplanes to Saudi Arabia to guard against a possible
invasion by Iraq.
2003 In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he
would run for the office of governor.
2003 Stephen Geppi bought a 1963 G.I. Joe prototype for $200,000.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 6
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to
A Florida mom who got drunk in the bar
while her kid was alone in the car
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1945 The American B-29 bomber, known as the Enola Gay,
dropped the first atomic bomb on an inhabited area. The
bomb named "Little Boy" was dropped over the center of
Hiroshima, Japan. An estimated 140,000 people were killed.
(8:16am Japanese time)

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Politics is not the art of the possible.
It consists in choosing between the disastrous
and the unpalatable.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - 2006)
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the
right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing.
--- Theodore Roosevelt
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist
season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed
on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said,
"You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter.
"I can only serve one table at a time."

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-
viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this
career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my
father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the
dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Thanks to Bill for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Krastina Yankova Gesheva, 36, ST. PETERSBUR, Floriduh
A Florida mom who got drunk in the bar
while her kid was alone in the car
Police in Florida say a woman faces DUI and child neglect
charges after her son was left alone in her Mercedes while
she drank at a nearby bar in St. Petersburg.
The Tampa Bay Times reports the 8-year-old boy went into
Tryst Lounge several times, apparently looking for his mother.
St. Petersburg police say when 36-year-old Krastina Yankova
Gesheva finally left the bar around 3 a.m. Monday,
she backed into two cars. She was visibly impaired when
officers arrived. Her blood alcohol level was 0.177, more
than twice the legal limit to drive in Florida.
The boy, who was sitting in the car, was released to a
guardian.
Gesheva was released from jail later Monday after posting
$10,500 bail.

Tech Support Pits
From: Darla
Re: Did Chrome slow down?
Dear Webby,
Since you mentioned Chrome today, I have been having problems
with unresponsive pages. When I first started using Chrome
about 3 months ago, it seemed a lot faster. Now, I'm having
problems with pages loading. Is this a common problem ?
Thanks,
Darla
Dear Darla
That seems to be more a problem with your computer.
Try running CrapCleaner from my ToolBox.
It is free.
You could also run Defragler. Basic version of that is
free too.
It is also possible that your computer is hot and
slowing down the CPU. However, since page loading is
more a modem and hard drive issue, and not a CPU issue,
I would check the other things first.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Towel To Speed Dryer Time
When putting clothes into the dryer, add one large clean
dry towel. This will absorb the wetness and your whole
load will dry twenty minutes sooner. I do this with each
load, except with dark clothes. You don't want the lint
getting on dark clothing.
Saves time and energy efficient!
Source: I may have read this somewhere in a magazine.
By Jackie H. [1]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Two highway patrolmen stopped a guy for speeding on the
state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing
up the ticket, one cop turned to the other and said,
"How do you spell Waxahachie?"
The other one replied, "I don't know."
So the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do?
If we spell it wrong, the ticket will get dismissed."
The second cop said, "Why don't we just let him go and stop
him again when he gets to Waco?"
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with
a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
"Too late!", he replied, "We are getting married next month!"

Today in
1787 At the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia debate
began on the first draft of the U.S. Constitution.
1806 The Holy Roman Empire went out of existence as Emperor
Francis II abdicated.
1825 Bolivia declared independence from Peru.
1879 The first Australian rules football game to be played
at night took place at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The
game was to promote the introduction of electricity to
the city of Melbourne.
1914 Austria-Hungary declared war against Russia. Serbia
declared war against Germany.
1926 Warner Brothers premiered its Vitaphone system in
New York. The movie was "Don Juan," starring John Barrymore.
1945 The American B-29 bomber, known as the Enola Gay,
dropped the first atomic bomb on an inhabited area. The
bomb named "Little Boy" was dropped over the center of
Hiroshima, Japan. An estimated 140,000 people were killed.
(8:16am Japanese time)
1960 Nationalization of U.S. and foreign-owned property
in Cuba began.
1962 Jamaica became an independent dominion within the
British Commonwealth.
1981 Fire fighters in Indianapolis, IN, answered a false
alarm. When they returned to their station it was ablaze
due to a grease fire.
1990 The U.N. Security Council ordered a worldwide trade
embargo with Iraq. The embargo was to punish Iraq for
invading Kuwait.
1995 Thousands of glowing lanterns were set afloat in rivers
in Hiroshima, Japan, on the 50th anniversary of the first
atomic bombing.
1996 NASA announced the discovery of evidence of primitive
life on Mars. The evidence came in the form of a meteorite
that was found in Antarctica. The meteorite was believed
to have come from Mars and contained a fossil.
1997 Apple Computer and Microsoft agreed to share technology
in a deal giving Microsoft a stake in Apple's survival.
1998 Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky spent 8 1/2
hours testifying before a grand jury about her relationship
with U.S. President Clinton.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 5
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to
a Russian naked woman, who jumped out of a car, when police
wanted to check the driver, and ran down the street.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1986 It was revealed that artist Andrew Wyeth had secretly
created 240 drawings and paintings of his neighbor. The
works of Helga Testorf had been created over a 15-year
period.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

There is no reciprocity.
Men love women, women love children,
children love hamsters.
--- Alice Thomas Ellis
The average person thinks he isn't.
--- Father Larry Lorenzoni
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse
destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than
60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the
blaze.

>From C
Not a joke, but well worth the space:
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a
terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So
as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her
pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain
aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she
wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like
read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to
leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something
very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said
excitedly.
"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the young woman continued.
"I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing
quite what to say.
"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said
the pastor.
The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me
this story, and from there on out, I have always done so.
I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those
I love and those who are in need of encouragement."
"In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners,
I always remember that when the dishes of the main course
were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say,
'Keep your fork.'
It was my favorite part because I knew that something better
was coming like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie.
Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people
to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want
them to wonder "What's with the fork?"
Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is
yet to come."
The pastor' s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he
hugged the young woman good-bye.
He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her
before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had
a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp
of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age,
with twice as much experience and knowledge.
She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket
and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork
placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the
question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the pastor told the people of the
conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she
died. He also told them about the fork and about what it
symbolized to her.
The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about
the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to
stop thinking about it either.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
Chineese Waterfall

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Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Russian Mugshot? Cute!
Yulia Vorokova, 24, Ufa, south-western Russia
Naked woman jumps out of car
Police were left standing after stopping a car in a routine
check - and a naked woman jumped out and ran off down
the road.
Two traffic officers stopped the car in Ufa, a city in
south-western Russia, as part of a routine documents check.
As one officer walked to talk to the driver, the passenger
door opened and a young woman, wearing only shoes and socks,
leapt out and ran off into oncoming traffic.
Unable to follow as cars veered left and right, the police
officers could only stand and watch in amazement as she
then crossed over to the other side of the road and carried
on down the busy street.
The woman, later identified as Yulia Vorokova, 24, was
eventually caught by police and taken to hospital to undergo
drugs and alcohol tests.
She also had slight bruising after apparently being hit by
one of the cars although it was not going fast of the time.
The car's driver was questioned but eventually released
without charge after police decided they were not sure
exactly what to charge him with over the incident. He
declined to say why the woman was naked.

Tech Support Pits
From: Frank
Re: Is FireFox 31 OK?
Dear Webby,
I've received notice that Firefox now has new version 31.0
available for download.
You were not enthralled with some of the other versions.
Do you have any feelings about the latest version or is it
a 'wait and see' before downloading?
Peace
Frank
Dear Frank
I briefly checked 31. Very briefly.
For now I am going to use Chrome.
Sure, Chrome has some bugs too, like closing when ignored
for a while, but you can get back all of your open tabs
with CTRL SHIFT T.
I am still learning tricks, and not in any hurry to go
back to FireFox.
It seems that Firefox is suffering from terminal bloat.
They definitely lost control of memory usage with their
silly method of keeping the pages from open tabs in memory.
If you are quickly searching a bunch of pages for a certain
article or item, soon the memory used by FireFox, as seen in
the Windows Task Manager, goes over 1 GB and FireFox really
slows down. Then you have to axe and re-start FireFox.
Until they stop that nonsense, I am going to boycott FireFox.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Remember Passwords Easily
Choose a category that interests you; Premier League
Footballers, Wild Flowers or whatever. Find a name for
all of the more commonly used letters of the alphabet
(Iris for I, Jasmine for J, etc). Your password for
any given site will be the name that starts with the
same initial letter, plus whatever combination of
numbers or other characters you select.
I have moved to this method since starting to do online
surveys, and it makes it so easy to remember what my
password is. If you do need a written key to the names
that you picked, though - please don't store it on
your desktop!
By Verity Pink [13]
By far the best method for passwords is Roboform.
You can store thousands of passwords on the cloud.
Even if you lose your computer, all your passwords
are safe. The only password you have to remember
is your password to Roboform.
When you go to a site, where you have to log in,
Roboform presents you with the different user names, that
you have used on that site. You select one, and hit Submit.
Roboform lets you sync logins on different computers, for
example work, home, laptop, etc. If you change or add a
login on one machine, the others will automatically sync.
You can get the basic version free at http://roboform.com
I have used it for about 15 years and it never let me down.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

>From Jack
When I picked up my wife from work one afternoon, she seemed
irritated. She confessed that the day hadn't gone well, and
on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her
as "ma'am."
"I'm not that old," she insisted. "I deserve more respect!"
She vented the whole way home while hitting the scan button
on the radio.
Finally I asked, "What are you looking for?"
She replied, "The oldies station."
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."

Today in
1833 The village of Chicago was incorporated. The population
was approximately 250.
1861 The U.S. federal government levied its first income tax.
The tax was 3% of all incomes over $800. The wartime measure
was rescinded in 1872.
1914 Electric traffic lights were installed in Cleveland, Ohio.
1921 The first play-by-play broadcast of a baseball game was
done by Harold Arlin. KDKA Radio in Pittsburgh, PA described
the action between the Pirates and Philadelphia.
1944 Polish insurgents liberated a German labor camp in Warsaw.
348 Jewish prisoners were freed.
1953 During the Korean conflict prisoners were exchanged at
Panmunjom. The exchange was labeled Operation Big Switch.
1963 The Limited Test Ban Treaty was signed by the United
States, Britain, and the Soviet Union. The treaty banned
nuclear tests in space, underwater, and in the atmosphere.
1964 U.S. aircraft bombed North Vietnam after North Vietnamese
boats attacked U.S. destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin.
1969 The Mariner 7, a U.S. space probe, passed by Mars.
Photographs and scientific data were sent back to Earth.
1981 The U.S. federal government started firing striking
air traffic controllers.
1986 It was revealed that artist Andrew Wyeth had secretly
created 240 drawings and paintings of his neighbor. The
works of Helga Testorf had been created over a 15-year
period.
1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush angrily denounced the
Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.
1991 An investigation was formally launched by Democratic
congressional leaders to find out if the release of American
hostages was delayed until after the Reagan-Bush presidential
election.
1991 Iraq admitted to misleading U.N. inspectors about
secret biological weapons.
1998 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein began not cooperating
with U.N. weapons inspectors.
1998 Marie Noe of Philadelphia, PA was arrested and charged
with first-degree murder, accused of smothering eight of
her children to death between 1949 and 1968. Noe later
received 20 years' probation.
2002 The U.S. closed its consulate in Karachi, Pakistan.
The consulate was closed after local authorities removed
large concrete blocks and reopened the road in front of
the building to normal traffic.
2011 NASA announced that its Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter had
captured photographic evidence of possible liquid water on
Mars during warm seasons.
2011 Juno was launched from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station
on a mission to Jupiter. It was the first solar-powered
spacecraft to go to Jupiter. Instrumentation and cameras
were solar powered, not propulsion.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 4
46 Degrees (110 in Olde British Imperial Fahrenhide)
on the West side of the house. I skipped my walk
and mopped the floors instead. The last Chinook had
brought a lot of ash from the forest fires on the
other side of the rockies and some fine sand.
I have no idea where it picked up that sand, but it is
not good for the floors.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to
a New mexico naked man, who broke into home, had a nap
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1991 The Oceanos, a Greek luxury liner, sank off of South
Africa's southeast coast. All of the 402 passengers and 179
crewmembers survived.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Nobody knows the age of the human race,
but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
--- Socratex
In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.
--- Pliny the Elder (23 AD - 79 AD)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
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Fred, an avid fisherman is returning from a fishing trip with
six large size salmon in his creel.
Nosy Parker comes along and asks if the man been fishing.
"Yes!" replied old Fred.
Asked what bait he had been using our hero replied that he
had used chewing tobacco.
Parker asked how one used chewing tobacco as bait, and Fred
replied, "I put the tobacco on the hook in the normal way,
cast in the normal way and when the fish strikes I haul
back on the line to hook it.
When the fish comes up to spit, I hit it on the head with
the butt of my rod!

Thanks to Robert for this story:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and
Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual
service charges on her credit card, & added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed
a call to Citibank here's the exchange:
Family Member:"I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees &
charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she
is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
(I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you
the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
(Supervisor gets on the phone):
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed, so the late fees
and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught
by the bank!)
Family Member: "Do you mean you want to collect from her
estate?"
Citibank: (Stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they
get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
what more I
can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I really don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "Yes, that will help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your
planet?
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
Triglav National Park near the town of Bovec, Slovenia

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Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Freddy Shelby, 30, Albuquerque, NM
Naked Man Breaks Into Home, Takes Nap
A New Mexico man faces charges after authorities say a couple
found him naked and sleeping in their bed.
Investigators say 30-year-old Freddy Shelby of Albuquerque
was arrested Sunday after the homeowners called police to
report their unwanted mystery guest.
According to a criminal complaint, Shelby broke into the
couple's home through a window and grabbed a Sprite from
the refrigerator before falling asleep in the master bedroom.
Authorities say the homeowners found a disrobed Shelby in
a deep sleep.
Officers arrived and called to the man, but he slept through
it. Authorities say Shelby woke up only after an officer
ripped the blankets off him.
Shelby told officers he thought he was at his girlfriend's
house.
He was charged with breaking and entering.

Tech Support Pits
From: Angela
Re: Computer positioning
Dear Webby,
I have a question about the CPU unit of my desk top. I am
rearranging my work/study area and was wondering if it is
safe to lay the CPU down on its side and set my printer on
top of it gain more space on my computer desk. I do not
want to place it on the floor because I have too many animals
living in my house and do not fully trust them all to behave
with it on the floor.
Angela
Dear Angela
The CPU doesn't care, and the hard drives don't care as
long as you don't put it with the front side up or down.
The most important consideration is good air flow behind it.
Don't shove it into a desk hutch cubbyhole, no matter which
way you turn it. Laying flat, with the removable side cover
side up, is just fine.
That is actually better than standing upright on the floor,
where the main air intake at the front bottom sucks in all
the dust bunnies and pet hairs off the floor and drastically
reduces cooling. Yes, I know it's stupid, but they don't want
computers to last forever.
Try to lay it flat on the left rear corner of your desk, with the
former bottom pointing away from you. That way it sucks
fresh air from the left of the desk. Especially in summer,
cooling of the computer is very important. While you are
moving it, pop the side cover open and vacuum it out.
If you are scared of large herds of dust bunnies, get
somebody else to do it, but don't neglect that chore!
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Deodorant To Deter Nesting Birds
We know that most birds are very sensitive to smell and
odors, remember the old "canary in the coal mines" story?
I have found that if you put up a "Stick-Up" deodorant disk
in the corners of your patio, birds will attempt to visit
the corner but they will quickly fly away. I replace them
once each spring. Works especially well with nesting barn
swallows!
By Jeanette Jacobs [4]
Canaries were used because they were cheap. When the
Carbon monoxide or lack of Oxygen killed them in their cages
on the floor, and they stopped chirping, then it was time to
get out fast, "RFN" in Miner's lingo. They saved countless
lives in the coal mines all over the world.
Have Fun!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending
a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my
son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag
onto the security check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes
widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had
in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black
box covered with dials and switches.
Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in
embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted.
"Look, I'll show you."
I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no
idea how it worked. "One, two, three, four," it said.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered,
"Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four, three, two, one'"?
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes
when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist
to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said,
"Hi, Grandma, you're Looking good! How are they treating
you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note
to the nephew...... "Dumb Bastids won't let me fart!"

Today in
1735 Freedom of the press was established with an acquittal
of John Peter Zenger, a writer of the New York Weekly Journal
who had been charged with seditious libel by the royal
governor of New York. The jury said that "the truth is
not libelous."
1753 George Washington became a Master Mason.
1790 The Revenue Cutter Service was formed. This U.S.
naval task force was the beginning of the U.S. Coast Guard.
1914 Britain declared war on Germany in World War I. The U.S.
proclaimed its neutrality.
1944 Nazi police raided a house in Amsterdam and arrested
eight people. Anne Frank, a teenager at the time, was one
of the people arrested. Her diary would be published after
her death.
1954 The uranium rush began in Saskatchewan, Canada.
1956 William Herz became the first person to race a motorcycle
over 200 miles per hour. He was clocked at 210 mph.
1957 Florence Chadwick set a world record by swimming the
English Channel in 6 hours and 7 minutes.
1958 The first potato flake plant was completed in Grand Forks, ND.
1972 Arthur Bremer was found guilty of shooting George Wallace,
the governor of Alabama. Bremer was sentenced to 63 years in prison.
1977 U.S. President Carter signed the measure that established
the Department of Energy.
1984 Upper Volta, an African republic, changed its name to Burkina Faso.
1987 The Fairness Doctrine was rescinded by the Federal
Communications Commission. The doctrine had required that radio and
TV stations present controversial issues in a balanced fashion.
1990 The European Community imposed an embargo on oil from Iraq
and Kuwait. This was done to protest the Iraqi invasion of the
oil-rich Kuwait.
1991 The Oceanos, a Greek luxury liner, sank off of South
Africa's southeast coast. All of the 402 passengers and 179
crewmembers survived.
1997 Teamsters began a 15-day strike against UPS (United Parcel
Service). The strikers eventually won an increase in full-time
positions and defeated a proposed reorganization of the
company's pension plan.
2009 North Korean leader Kim Jong-il pardoned two American
journalists, who had been arrested and imprisoned for illegal
entry earlier in the year.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 3
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to
women in Lake Charles, LA, who left their kids
alone in cars.
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1992 The U.S. Senate voted to restrict and eventually end
the testing of nuclear weapons. They did not want the US
to be more powerful than Mexico.

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're okay,
then it's you.
--- Rita Mae Brown
Once the game is over, the King and the pawn
go back in the same box.
--- Italian Proverb
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard
is not what I meant."
--- Robert McCloskey
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
>From Karen
I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery.
"If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one,"
the automated voice prompted me.
"If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two."
At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an
ear-piercing shriek.
"I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a
valid response."

>From Enrica
I KNOW my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday
announcement posted on the bulletin board:
"All employees are invited to the annual Family Day and BBQ
party on August 4. All children under the age of ten will
receive a gift from the CEO. Employees who have no children
may bring grandchildren."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version

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Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Princess Marks, 25, of Lake Charles, Louisiana
Woman abandoned kids in car so she could
perform oral sex on boyfriend in his car
CALCASIEU PARISH SHERIFF'S OFFICE
Princess Marks, 25, of Lake Charles, La., was arrested
after she allegedly left two young children alone in her
car while she performed oral sex on a boyfriend.
Two Louisiana women were arrested in separate incidents on
the same day for abandoning their children in cars —
so they could partake in the joys of shopping and
fellatio.
Princess Marks, 25, of Lake Charles, left her two young
children, ages 5 and 7, in an SUV so she could perform
oral sex on her boyfriend about 12:40 a.m. Friday,
authorities said.
"Both of them were crying hysterically," Officer Kim Myers
the Calcasieu Parish Sheriff's Office told the Daily News.
"While the deputies were trying to calm the children down,
Princess walked up about 15 minutes later."
At that point, she admitted she was on the other side of
the parking lot in her boyfriend's car performing oral
sex, authorities said.
Marks was arrested, charged with child desertion and
released on a $5,000 bond.
Deputies from Calcasieu Parish Sheriff's Office learned
of the incident when a concerned citizen walked by the
car and called the police. The SUV's windows were down.
The children were placed in the care of family members.
-------------
A 7 year old "crying hysterically" ?
I can envision them fighting or singing like they were
in the shower, but "crying hysterically" seems a bit
exaggerated, unless both kids are seriously retarded.
=========================
While we are in Lake Charles, LA...
Later that day, about 2:30 p.m., Calcasieu Parish Sheriff's
Office deputies responded to a similar call — only this
time, the car was hot.
Faith D. LaFleur, 26, Lake Charles left 3 children in her
car in 130 degree-heat while she shopped.
"A woman left three babies in a car at the Prien Lake Mall.
When we did a test of the temperature, it reached 130
degrees in the car," Myers said.
Faith D. LaFleur, 26, also from Lake Charles, allegedly
admitted she abandoned her three children — an
11-month-old, a 5-year-old and 2-year-old — so she could
go shopping.
Two of the children were strapped in child seats while
the other played with the keys in the ignition.
An ambulance was called on scene and the children were found
to be sweaty, dirty and hungry.
LaFleur was arrested and charged with three counts of
cruelty to a juvenile. Her bond was set at $100,000.
These incidents follow several other high-profile cases
of parents abandoning their children in cars — sometimes
with fatal consequences.

Tech Support Pits
From: Kim
Re: Wired or wireless keyboard and mouse
Dear Webby,
What is better, a wired keyboard and mouse,
or a wireless combo?
Kim
Dear Kim
Dear Kim
That depends on your priorites.
If you are a neat freak and the sight of the cables causes
you trauma and bad dreams, then spend the extra money
on a wireless combo.
If faster performance and never having to pause to change
batteries in the middle of an important conference call,
is more important, then go for the old fashioned
wired keyboard and mouse.
Some manufacturers claim that their wireless combos are
fast enough. That may be true for SOME users, but is not
true when working at my speed. I also find it very disruptive,
having to stop at the most inopportune times, to change the
silly batteries. I have used wireless mice and keyboards,
but nowadaus I save the $50 - $100 difference and stay with
a wired keyboard and mouse.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Flyswatters as a Drain Filter
Don't throw away old flyswatters. They are great drain
filters for the bathtub or sink in a pinch.
By Robyn [364]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch
for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would
you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she
asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist
hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick
witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said.
"He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Today in
1492 Christopher Columbus left Palos, Spain with three ships.
The voyage would lead him to what is now known as the
Americas. He reached the Bahamas on October 12.
1900 Firestone Tire & Rubber Co. was founded.
1914 World War I began when Britain declared war on Germany.
1933 The Mickey Mouse Watch was introduced for the price of
$2.75.
1936 The U.S. State Department advised Americans to leave Spain
due to the Spanish Civil War.
1936 Jesse Owens won the first of his four Olympic gold medals.
1943 Gen. George S. Patton verbally abused and slapped a
private. Later, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower ordered him to
apologize for the incident.
1956 Bedloe's Island had its name changed to Liberty Island.
1958 The Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the
North Pole underwater.
1979 "More American Graffiti" was released.
1981 U.S. traffic controllers with PATCO, the Professional
Air Traffic Controllers Organization, went on strike.
They were fired just as U.S. President Reagan had warned.
1985 Mail service returned to a nudist colony in Paradise
Lake, FL. Residents promised that they'd wear clothes or
stay out of sight when the mailperson came to deliver.
1988 The Soviet Union released Mathias Rust. He had been
taken into custody on May 28, 1987 for landing a plane
in Moscow's Red Square.
1989 Hashemi Rafsanjani was sworn in as the president of Iran.
1990 Thousands of Iraqi troops pushed within a few miles
of the border of Saudi Arabia. This heightened world
concerns that the invasion of Kuwait could spread.
1992 The U.S. Senate voted to restrict and eventually end
the testing of nuclear weapons. They did not want the US
to be more powerful than Mexico.
1992 Russia and Ukraine agreed to put the Black Sea Fleet
under joint command. The agreement was to last for three
years.
1995 Eyad Ismoil was flown from Jordan to the U.S. to face
charges that he had driven the van that blew up in New
York's World Trade Center.
2004 In New York, the Statue of Liberty re-opened to the
public. The site had been closed since the terrorist
attacks on the U.S. on September 11, 2001.
2004 NASA launched the spacecraft Messenger. The 6 1/2
year journey was planned to arrive at the planet Mercury
in March 2011.
2009 Bolivia became the first South American country to
declare the right of indigenous people to govern themselves.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 29.
Today I have the final check-up after the cataract
operation, and tomorrow I am scheduled for injections
into my eyeballs, IF health care pays for that, even
though I am 65. If they want $5,000 or a significant
portion of that, I'll have to pass.
Either way, Thursday to Saturday there most likely
won't be any newsletters.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
South Carolina woman who stabbed her roommate
for refusing to stop listening to the Eagles
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
2005 Astronomers announced that they had discovered a
new planet (Xena) larger than Pluto in orbit around the sun.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes.
There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
--- Henry Kissinger (1923 - )
Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
--- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
On a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following
announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are
offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in
exchange for their seat on this flight."
After a short pause, the offer was repeated with the
amendment that it did not apply to the crew assigned
to the flight.

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His
mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love
Wowser, but you're loving him too much. How would
you feel if someone huge picked you up and
squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd
feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was
here!"
Click on the picture for the large version
Prunerov, CZ, coal fired power plant in Czech Republic.

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Reported by Walter, the Stonecarver
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Vernett Bader, North Charleston, SC
South Carolina, 54, woman who stabbed her roommate
for refusing to stop listening to the Eagles
Police in South Carolina arrested a North Charleston woman
Monday night after she allegedly stabbed her roommate
multiple times for refusing to stop playing music by the
classic rock band The Eagles.
According to the official report, Vernett Bader, 54, became
irritated with her 64-year-old roommate (and one-time boyfriend)
after he rejected her pleas to turn off the Eagles and told
her to "shut up."
Bader then entered the kitchen and grabbed a serrated knife,
which she subsequently used to stab her roommate several
times in the arm, hand, and elbow.
The roommate and his brother managed to wrestle the knife
away from Bader, but she quickly retrieved another knife
from the kitchen.
All three were intoxicated at the time, per the report.
It's unclear which of the band's songs drove Bader over
the edge, but police have narrowed down the possible
suspects to "Witchy Woman," "Take It Easy,"
"Peaceful Easy Feeling," "Take It to the Limit,"
"One of These Nights," "Tequila Sunrise," and
"Hotel California" on repeat.
Bader confessed to the crime, but claimed it was an act
of self-defense to counter her roommate's choking.
Investigators say Bader did not have any visible marks
on her neck.
Police charged Bader with criminal domestic violence of
a high and aggravated nature and she was booked into
the Charleston County jail, where she remained held as
of this afternoon.

Tech Support Pits
From: Chris
Re: Does Chrome have a Session restore?
Dear Webby,
I tried Chrome after you suggested it. It is indeed
a lot faster than FireFox. However, it sure seems
to be missing some ameninties. It is way too easy
to accidentally closing it. For example, if you need
to see the HTML of a page, it's CTRL U, just like
in Firefox. So far so good. However, when you want
to close the Code View with ALT F4, just like in FireFox,
then you close Chrome and all your open tabs are GONE.
VERRRY BARRRBARRRIC!
I learned the hard way that I have to pay attention and
close the Code View with CTRL F4 instead. When absentminded
habit takes over, Chrome shuts down and forgets all the
tabs.
Is there some way to do a Session Restore in Chrome?
Thanks
Chris
Dear Chris
I agree that some parts of Chrome are still incompetent.
Same as with Gmail, some snooty yuppies decide what is
good for you.
What works some of the time is to hit CTRL SHIFT T a
few seconds after Chrome re-opens, and restore closed tabs.
You can hit the 3 bars at the right top,
Settings
and change the ON STARTUP choice to
"Continue where I left off"
It helps most of the time, but is a bit erratic.
There is a third party extension called Session Buddy, that
seems to be very popular for saving your sessions.
You can get it free from Session Buddy
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Stopping the Burn from Spicy Food
If you cook something that is very hot and spicy,
I suggest that you serve it with some milk to drink with
the meal. Milk products help stop the burn left in your
mouth from hot, spicy food. Also, you could have ice
cream or something like that for dessert!
By Robin from Washington, IA
Better yet is some bread. A lot of people have a lactose
intolerance and can't drink milk, but even people with
gluten allergies can take a bit of bread. Most of the
gluten is in the crust, but it is the soft inner part,
that sponges the hot stuff off the tongue.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

For best results, read this one out loud!
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway
Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea.
A as in aye.
S as in sea.
E as in eye.
W as in why.
A as in are.
Y as in you."
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir.
I'll connect you with my supervisor."
When I was younger, I believed the line was
"Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying
for my little sister to get into trouble.
------
When my older brother was very young, he always walked
up to the church altar with my mother when she took
communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and
asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you
the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear.
Imagine his shock many years later when he learned
that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get
to your seat."

Today in
1588 The English defeated the Spanish Armada in the Battle
of Gravelines.
1754 The first international boxing match was held. The
25-minute match was won when Jack Slack of Britain knocked
out Jean Petit from France.
1914 The first transcontinental telephone service was
inaugurated when two people held a conversation between
New York, NY and San Francisco, CA.
1940 John Sigmund of St. Louis, MO, completed a 292-mile
swim down the Mississippi River. The swim from St. Louis
to Caruthersville, MO took him 89 hours and 48 minutes.
1957 The International Atomic Energy Agency was established.
1958 The National Aeronautics and Space Administration
(NASA) was authorized by the U.S. Congress.
1968 Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's
stance against artificial methods of birth control.
1975 OAS (Organization of American States) members voted
to lift collective sanctions against Cuba. The U.S.
government welcomed the action and announced its intention
to open serious discussions with Cuba on normalization.
1981 England's Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were
married.
1985 General Motors announced that Spring Hill, TN, would
be the home of the Saturn automobile assembly plant.
1993 The Israeli Supreme Court acquitted retired Ohio
autoworker John Demjanjuk of being Nazi death camp guard
"Ivan the Terrible." His death sentence was thrown out
and he was set free.
1997 Minamata Bay in Japan was declared free of mercury
40 years after contaminated food fish were blamed for
deaths and birth defects.
1998 The United Auto Workers union ended a 54-day strike
against General Motors. The strike caused $2.8 billion
in lost revenues.
2005 Astronomers announced that they had discovered a
new planet (Xena) larger than Pluto in orbit around the sun.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 28.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
NY Woman, who trashed salon over bad hairdo
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1866 - The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress
for the standardization of weights and measures throughout
the United States. Most states still don't teach it.
1945 - A U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of
New York City's Empire State Building. 14 people were
killed and 26 were injured.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

When a person can no longer laugh at himself,
it is time for others to laugh at him.
--- Thomas Szasz,
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach
with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and
says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian raises his head and says:
"White Ford Pick-Up, 4 people in front,
a dozen in the back, big party"
"Wow, you can tell all that by listening to the ground ?"
"Nah, I fell off the truck"

A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realize that this
is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your
daughter?"
"Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" roared the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician and her lawyer!" replied the young man.
Click on the picture for the large version
Temelin town and powerplant, color overlaid with Infrared
picture. Look at the heat of the town compared to the warm
power plant chimneys. And note the clean, but warm air from
the chimneys. They take air from ground level and blow it
through huge radiators to cool the used steam from the
powerplant. What they blow out at the top is simply warm air.
No CO2 or pollutants of any kind added.

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Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Rachel Meyers, 26, New York City, NY
Woman trashed salon over bad hairdo
Incensed over an allegedly botched hairdo, a New York City
woman tore up a Manhattan salon, throwing chairs, hair dryers,
and assorted beauty products in a rampage that ended with
her in handcuffs, according to investigators.
Rachel Meyers, 26, was arrested Friday afternoon following
the ruckus at the Century 27 Beauty Salon on Beaver Street
in the financial district.
Meyers, a Manhattan resident, was charged with five
misdemeanors, including assault, harassment, and criminal
possession of a weapon.
During her meltdown, Meyers threw a curling iron stand at
another patron, according to a criminal complaint sworn by
Officer Robert Rastetter. The stand struck the 52-year-old
victim, “causing a laceration, bruising, and substantial
pain in her knee,” Rastetter noted.
Meyers, pictured above, reportedly quarreled with stylists
over treatment that left her hair in knots.
Meyers is next due in Manhattan Criminal Court on
September 10.

Tech Support Pits
From: Amanda
Re: Has Firefox gone bad?
Dear Webby,
Is it just my machine, or is the current FireFox a slow
dud, that keeps bunging up?
I have to keep dumping it with the task manager and
restarting it all the time.
Is there another browser, that you would recommend?
Thanks
Amanda
Dear Amanda
Yes, the current version is indeed a dud. So was the
previous one. You would have to go back about five
versions to get a fast one.
Currently FireFox can not be recommended any more.
Maybe they will recover some day. Nobody knows.
You can try Google Chrome. It is very fast and does not
bung up.
However, Chrome takes a bit of getting used to.
Chrome does not have a big, bulky top.
You can set HotKeys to open things like RoboForm. I set
CTRL R for RoboForm. Like I said, it takes some getting
used to, but unlike Windows 7 and 8, their stuff makes
sense. Not having a whole window-wide bar for Roboform
shaves half an inch or more off the top bars when not
needed, and goes away after use.
The color rendering seems to be more crisp and the fonts
are nice and sharp, just as good as Safari.
Safari is the Mac browser. It works on Windows machines,
but is rather primitive compared to FireFox, Internet
Explorer, Opera and Chrome. Safari is still the browser
of choice for reading eBooks or long User Agreements,
but few Windows users use Safari for anything else.
Internet Explorer has security issues and does not mesh
with a lot of programs, and is rather slow.
Opera is not free any more and crashes ocasionally.
So, in summary, currently Chrome is the best browser.
Take a bit of time getting used to it. It's not rocket
science and almost all of it you'll figure out without
clicking on help. For example, you can
"Show the Bookmarks Bar", and drag the little icon from
the left of the address bar onto it. It is called "favicon".
You can cut the sample bookmark, that they got in it.
The Bookmarks Bar has a folder to get started. Rename that
to F1 or F and drag favicons onto it. Make more topical
folders for different topics and keep the bar from getting
too crowded.
It is actually quite neat once you get used to it.
And it is fast!
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Natural Ideas for Ant Control
My neighbor had a huge pile of cement ants. She used a mix
of 50/50 baking soda and powered sugar. They were gone the
next day. I thought the sugar would attract them but it
worked. I have used soapy water as well. Ants don't like
peppermint either, use oil not candy.
By roberta paige [1]
Cinnamon works quite well too, and corn starch,
also cement, lime (construction, not the fruit),
and probably a lot of other fine ground materials.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

A FARM WAS SOLD to some city folks. The old farmer next
door was out one day and saw the new neighbor planting in
his garden. The farmer watched as the man would dig a
hole, set a tomato plant and pour in a shot of whiskey.
The farmer couldn’t help but ask what he was planting.
“Stewed tomatoes,” was the reply.
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got
trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's
somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's
somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you
gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked
the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me
for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
Nobody under there now."

Today in
1821 - Peru declared its independence from Spain.
1866 - The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress
for the standardization of weights and measures throughout
the United States. Most states still don't teach it.
1914 - World War I officially began when Austria-Hungary
declared war on Serbia, a state of the empire, for not
handing over the assassin of the crown prince and his wife,
and England decided to side with far away Serbia. Then
Russia also joined England.
1932 - Federal troops forcibly dispersed the "Bonus Army"
of World War I veterans who had gathered in Washington, DC.
They were demanding money they were not scheduled to
receive until 1945.
1942 - L.A. Thatcher received a patent for a coin-operated
mailbox. The device stamped envelopes when money was
inserted.
1945 - A U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of
New York City's Empire State Building. 14 people were
killed and 26 were injured.
1965 - U.S. President Johnson announced he was increasing
the number of American troops in South Vietnam from
75,000 to 125,000.
1982 - San Francisco, CA, became the first city in the U.S.
to ban handguns.
1994 - Kenny Rogers (Texas Rangers) pitched the 14th perfect
game in major league baseball history.
1998 - Bell Atlantic and GTE announced $52 billion deal
that created the second-largest phone company.
1998 - Serbian military forces seized the Kosovo town
of Malisevo.
1998 - Monica Lewinsky received blanket immunity from
prosecution to testify before a grand jury about her
relationship with U.S. President Clinton.
2006 - Researchers announced that two ancient reptiles
had been found off Australia. The Umoonasaurus and
Opallionectes were the first of their kind to be found
in the period soon after the Jurassic era.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, July 27.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Drunk woman sleeping in a car at the mall
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1980 The deposed shah of Iran, Muhammad Riza Pahlavi,
died in a hospital near Cairo, Egypt.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a
little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
--- Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790),
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have
not stood up to live.
--- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
>From Sandie
A SOUTHERNER vacationing in Maine stopped at a small
convenience store to buy some souvenirs. As he stood
in line to pay for his purchases, the southerner was
amused by the accent of some local lobster fishermen,
who were in the store discussing the day’s catch.
Stepping up to the cash register, the tourist commented to
the clerk, “Some people around here sure talk with funny
accents.”
“Aye-yuh,” the clerk replied, “but thay’ll all be gohne by
Laybor Day.”

Garden Classic:
GOD:
Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there on the planet? What happened
to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected
to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are
these green rectangles.
Saint FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great
lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod
worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites
really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass
and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS :
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it
--sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS :
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS :
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to
throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS :
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when
we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely
slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money
to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to
get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That
was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees
grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the
summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a
natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into
great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story
from St. Francis.
Click on the picture for the large version

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Suzanne Morales, 45, Boca Raton, Florida
Florida woman in lingerie
tried to run over cop
Florida police say a woman wearing only lingerie tried to
run over an officer who woke her while she slept in her
car.
No one was injured, but according to WPTV.com, police
allegedly had to break out a window to subdue 45 year old
Suzanne Morales, of Boca Raton.
The incident occurred Monday morning in the parking lot
of the Town Center Mall in Boca Raton.
Someone who saw a scantily clad woman inside a vehicle,
called the Boca Raton Police Department at about 9 a.m.,
the Sun Sentinel reports.
According to Browardpalmbeach.com, responding officers
suspected Morales was drunk because they could smell
alcohol.
The officers reportedly knocked on one of the car windows.
Morales allegedly refused to roll down her windows or
exit the vehicle. It was at that point, police say,
that their investigation took a dangerous turn.
Morales, according to WPTV.com, backed her car up, nearly
hitting an officer and scraped another car in the mall
parking lot before her vehicle came to a stop.
After breaking out the rear window of the vehicle, police
took Morales into custody and charged her with aggravated
assault and obstructing an officer without violence.
Morales is being held at the Palm Beach County Jail in
lieu of $10,000 bail.

Tech Support Pits
From: Ellie
Re: Lost poem again
Dear Webby,
Two problems:
1. I am three verses into â€śDear Lordâ€ť poem today.
5 minutes ago. Screen goes blank and I DID NOT HIT A
KEY AT ALL! I was still on the page but had no poem
and could not retrieve it and it was good but no
longer in my memory. What would you have done if
it were you, could you have saved it?
2. A few days ago we had to remove a lot of bad
downloads added since I got my new computer last
year and I noticed I no longer get my daily Humor Letter.
Could you please sign me up again, I did really enjoy it.
Thanks, Ellie
Dear Ellie
Judging by the "â€ś" microslop in your email, you are
using Microsoft Word or something similar.
You can set Auto-Save in that. Just hit F1 when in that
program, and search for AutoSave.
I write stuff either in Eudora, my email program,
or in NoteTab. Both have Auto-Save.
NoteTab is at http://notetab.com
You can have dozens of tabs open, with unfinished poems.
Just set the AutoSave at 2 minutes.
Save each poem under a new name as soon as you start it.
The AutoSave will save it automatically.
Then, when one is finished, I can paste it into a card
or email or web page.
Re your Humor Letter:
k********@gmail.com IS subscribed.
Check your SPAM folder.
You may have to make a filter to keep it out of SPAM.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Rain for Cleaning Throw Rugs
I found out by accident the best way to clean my old throw
rugs. I washed them and hung them on the clothesline
outside. Then it rained, and rained and rained.
To my surprise, they were cleaner then when I
first hung them out. No more machine washing of
rugs for me, now I just hang them out on the line
when I hear it's going to rain.
By April [7]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck
with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a
female pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.
She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the
truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the
curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.
"I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could
have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day
to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world
problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really
got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at
the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last
of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and
behold! --there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world
happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little redheaded
waitress at the coffee shop that we sometimes go to?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and,
at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'
and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Today in
1214 At the Battle of Bouvines in France, Philip Augustus
of France defeated John of England.
1245 Frederick II was deposed by a council at Lyons after
they found him guilty of sacrilege.
1663 The British Parliament passed a second Navigation Act,
which required all goods bound for the colonies be sent in
British ships from British ports.
1689 Government forces defeated the Scottish Jacobites at
the Battle of Killiecrankie.
1777 The marquis of Lafayette arrived in New England to
help the rebellious American colonists fight the British.
1778 The British and French fleets fought to a standoff in
the first Battle of Ushant.
1866 Cyrus Field successfully completed the Atlantic Cable.
It was an underwater telegraph from North America to Europe.
1909 Orville Wright set a record for the longest airplane
flight. He was testing the first Army airplane and kept it
in the air for 1 hour 12 minutes and 40 seconds.
1914 British troops invaded the streets of Dublin, Ireland,
and began to disarm Irish rebels.
1918 The Socony 200 was launched. It was the first concrete
barge and was used to carry oil.
1921 Canadian biochemist Frederick Banting and associates
announced the discovery of the hormone insulin.
1940 Bugs Bunny made his official debut in the Warner Bros.
animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."
1944 U.S. troops completed the liberation of Guam.
1947 The World Water Ski Organization was founded in
Geneva, Switzerland.
1953 The armistice agreement that ended the Korean War
was signed at Panmunjon, Korea.
1955 The Allied occupation of Austria ended.
I remember that! All school kids got speeches
and a BIG hotdog!
1964 U.S. President Lyndon Johnson sent an additional
5,000 advisers to South Vietnam.
1965 In the U.S., the Federal Cigarette Labeling and
Advertising Act was signed into law. The law required
health warnings on all cigarette packages.
1967 U.S. President Johnson appointed the Kerner
Commission to assess the causes of the violence in the
wake of urban rioting.
1974 The U.S. Congress asked for impeachment procedures
against President Richard Nixon.
1980 The deposed shah of Iran, Muhammad Riza Pahlavi,
died in a hospital near Cairo, Egypt.
1993 IBM's new chairman, Louis V. Gerstner, Jr., announced
an $8.9 billion plan to cut the company's costs.
2003 It was reported by the BBC (British Broadcasting Corp.)
that there was no monster in Loch Ness. The investigation
used 600 separate sonar beams and satellite navigation
technology to trawl the loch. Reports of sightings of the
"Loch Ness Monster" began in the 6th century.
2006 Intel Corp introduced its Core 2 Duo microprocessors.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, July 26.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Florida man who was run over
by his own truck during road rage
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
1956 - Egyptian President Gamal Abdel Nasser nationalized
the Suez Canal.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

At 18 our convictions are hills from which we look;
At 45 they are caves in which we hide.
--- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 - 1940)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her
operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon...
"Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush,"
"Wash your hands..."
After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed,
we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the
doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"

Police Reports
The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements
submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least
they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.)
The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement
on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't know.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He
then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end
showing.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole.
I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell
asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle
and vanished.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I
ran over him.
I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he
bounced off the hood of my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I
struck the pedestrian.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the roadway when I struck him.
My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in
the hospital.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on
the gas and crashed into the other car.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever
appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid
the accident.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in
a small car with a big mouth.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
way.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on
removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.
I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my
car became squashed.
Thanks to Bill for this picture
Click on the picture for the large version
Webby,
Always enjoy the photo you put in your the humor newsletter.
Here's one I took recently in the Biloxi (MS) Harbor, just
behind a restaurant called McElroy's. Maybe you can use it.
Bill

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Joseph Carl, 48, Gainesville, Florida
Florida Man Run Over by Own Truck
During Road Rage
A man in Florida apparently got a dose of road rage karma
when police say he was run over by his own pickup truck
after getting out to bang on another driver's window.
It happened Tuesday evening in Gainesville, Florida.
The Gainesville Sun reports 48-year-old Joseph Carl had
been drinking and drove into a vehicle stopped at a red
light. He got out of his truck without putting it in park
and began banging on the window of a woman's car. When
the frightened woman drove away, there was nothing holding
his truck in place.
The truck rolled into Carl. A police report says he was
taken to the hospital where he was treated for fractures
in his hand and foot.
He's charged with DUI and DUI property damage. It isn't
known whether he's obtained a lawyer.

Tech Support Pits
From: Ruth
Re: Bus driver's age
Hi Webby,
Hope you're faring well after your cataract surgeries,
and in general. I truly enjoy the Humor Letter and look
forward to the daily read.
I think I missed something, or skimmed too fast one day.
What IS the answer to the bus driver's age question?
I saw the post with the names of those who figured it out,
but then no more.
thanks,
Ruth
Dear Ruth
You are the driver.
And you are 29, right?
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Glue Bait Down to Catch Chipmunks
They will steal the food in the traps. I had success
by using a hot glue gun to glue sunflower seeds to the
cage or mousetrap. We have caught over 50 chipmunks in
the past 2 months. It works great in the live cages.
By Jimmy F. [1]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I saw
one where they ask what is the worst thing you could receive
on your twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"
You know what the answer was? "Morning Sickness."
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he
asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "Then I just use their last name!"

Today in
1775 - A postal system was established by the 2nd Continental
Congress of the United States. The first Postmaster General
was Benjamin Franklin.
1881 - Thomas Edison and Patrick Kenny execute a patent
application for a facsimile telegraph (U.S. Pat. 479,184).
1893 - Commercial production of the Addressograph started
in Chicago, IL.
1907 - The Chester was launched. It was the first
turbine-propelled ship.
1952 - King Farouk I of Egypt abdicated in the wake of a
coup led by Gamal Abdel Nasser.
1953 - Fidel Castro began his revolt against Fulgencio
Batista with an unsuccessful attack on an army barracks
in eastern Cuba. Castro eventually ousted Batista six
years later.
1956 - Egyptian President Gamal Abdel Nasser nationalized
the Suez Canal.
1971 - Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy, FL.
2014 smiled.

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 25.
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Dianne corrected me on the ALL CAPS issue.
She recommended http://Stripmail.net
That is the same company that made the good ol Stripmail
for removing the >>> from multiple forwardws.
I have not tried their new version.
>From Michael
Hi DearWebby,
Though I agree with you that Jerry should push back at the
original source, if that’s not an option, both Open Office
and Microsoft Word can automatically convert whole sentences
and even whole documents from all upper case to mixed case
with just a few mouse clicks:
Open Office: Convert All Uppercase
Microsoft Word: Change Capitalization
In both cases what Jerry is after is called “Sentence case”.
Aloha,
-mkr
Thanks to both of you!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a
Californian, who robbed El Pollo Loco
restaurant and returned for lunch
Details at Boneheads
From the History section at the bottom:
Today, in
2010 WikiLeaks leaked to the public more than 90,000 internal
reports involving the U.S.-led War in Afghanistan
from 2004-2010.

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
--- Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD)
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every
new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
--- Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)
Vipre Security 2014 for the whole family!
(Opens in a new tab, so that you don't lose this page)
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in
Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your
business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction
record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied,
"I didn't know you still needed one!"

There was a university in New England where the students
operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework
assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it
would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly
handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade,
B grade, and C grade.
One student, who had spent the weekend on more
"extra-curricular pursuits," went to the bank, and as his
course was a standard one he took out a paper for a
inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed
the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professor's
comments.
"I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always
thought it was worth an A, and now I'm pleased to give
it one!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture
Click on the picture for the movieWorld's tallest swing

Thanks to LittleMiss for this classic:
Becky and Sally were doing some carpentry work on their
house. Becky, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Sally figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about
half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw
them away."
Sally got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of
the house!"

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Daniel Lee Warn,
Daniel Lee Warn Robs El Pollo Loco Restaurant
And Returns For Lunch
A man suspected of burglarizing an El Pollo Loco in
Costa Mesa, California, has been arrested after he returned
to the restaurant for a meal a few hours after the robbery.
Daniel Lee Warn, 28, was arrested Wednesday when he tried
to order food at the restaurant, because employees recognized
him from the security footage of the robbery.
The restaurant was closed at the time of the break-in, but
the surveillance video showed a man climbing through the
drive-through window and ransacking the cash register in a
failed attempt to find money.
When Warn showed up to order lunch, he was wearing the same
clothes as the person seen in the video: A green T-shirt
and a hat emblazoned with a bright pink face, the Daily
Pilot reports.
The restaurant manager called police who arrested Warn
on multiple counts of burglary, KTLA-TV reports.
Police believe Warn is also responsible for three
other burglaries in the same area between Tuesday
and Wednesday.
Warn, a transient, was sentenced to two years in
prison last month, but was freed as part of a
post-release community supervision program,
according to UPI.com

Tech Support Pits
From: Jessica
Re: Stuck Hourglass
Dear Webby
I need someone to tell me what I need to do to correct a
computer problem.
When I point mouse arrow at a website, then click,
sometimes it will click onto the little 'hourglass' from the
arrow & won't click back to arrow again. So, here I sit,
waiting for it to make up it's mind to continue down the
yellow brick road & some times it does but most times
it won't! The only way I can continue on is to re-boot.
It's becoming a pain in the patoot! It even does it when I
start typing in the chatroom & after a couple of minutes,
it goes back to normal. I have noticed it does it more
frequently whenever there is something else going on
behind the scenes - like various updates, etc. Is there
some thing or some place I can click to try to correct this?
Help! Help! Help!
Dear Jessica
From what I hear, that is quite common with AOL dial-up
accounts. It is simply a matter of lack of connection
speed.
Sometimes you can gain a bit more speed by using the
Task Manager (CTRL SHIFT ESC), Processes, to kill your
browser and then restarting it, but for the long run,
the only solution is to get a faster connection to
the Internet.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Onion Snow from Frozen Onions
When I cook, I love onion but not in large pieces or strips.
None of the kids I know like them that way either. When the
Vidalias (my favorite onion) are in season, I buy several.
I peel, clean and wash them with a quick douse under
HOT water. Then put them into plastic and freeze them
whole. The hot water preserves the crunchiness when
freezing. Ditto with lettuce to go in the fridge,
it's an old trick my mom taught me.
When I cook, I take one of my whole frozen onions out and
get out my fine size grater. I hold the onion as long as
I can and grate a pile of onion snow. It IS cold, so you
may need to take breaks or use a silicone glove.
Be sure to use a fine grater. I took the finished product
here and made onion cakes. I added 1/4 cup flour,
1 Tbsp. cornmeal, 1 1/2 tsp. baking powder, 3 Tbsp.
coconut milk and an egg. Mix all, let set 10 minutes,
then fry like pancakes.
I hope you get a chance to try this and find it helpful.
The onion snow flavors the meal and no one complains about
it. ("YUK! Onions!") The food goes down with relish and
no complaints.
By J'Marinde [2]
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit
working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to
become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a
lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell
you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge
and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he
said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students
included a HUGE amount of material on the midterm exam.
Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping
aloud as they realized how much material they had covered
and were expected to recall.
The following week, the professor tossed the graded papers
on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last
week, the Lord spoke to me.
He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of
those people in years.

Today in
0326 Constantine refused to carry out the traditional
pagan sacrifices.
1394 Charles VI of France issued a decree for the general
expulsion of Jews from France.
1564 Maximillian II became emperor of the Holy Roman Empire.
1587 Japanese strong-man Hideyoshi banned Christianity in
Japan and ordered all Christians to leave.
1593 France's King Henry IV converted from Protestantism
to Roman Catholicism.
1759 British forces defeated a French army at Fort Niagara
in Canada.
1799 Napoleon Bonaparte defeated the Ottomans at
Aboukir, Egypt.
1805 Aaron Burr visited New Orleans with plans to establish
a new country, with New Orleans as the capital city.
1845 China granted Belgium equal trading rights with
Britain, France and the United States.
1850 Gold was discovered in the Rogue River in OR.
1854 The paper collar was patented by Walter Hunt.
1861 The Crittenden Resolution, which called for the
American Civil War to be fought to preserve the Union
and not for slavery, was passed by the U.S. Congress.
1866 Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army. He
was the first American officer to hold the rank.
1871 Seth Wheeler patented perforated wrapping paper.
1907 Korea became a protectorate of Japan.
1909 French aviator Louis Bleriot flew across the English
Channel in a monoplane. He traveled from Calais to Dover
in 37 minutes. He was the first man to fly across the channel.
1914 Russia declared that it would act to protect Serbian
sovereignty.
1924 Greece announced the deportation of 50,000 Armenians.
1941 The U.S. government froze all Japanese and Chinese assets.
1943 Italian Fascist dictator Benito Mussolini was
overthrown in a coup.
1946 The U.S. detonated an atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll in the
Pacific. It was the first underwater test of the device.
1952 Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the U.S.
1978 Louise Joy Brown, the first test-tube baby, was born
in Oldham, England. She had been conceived through in-vitro
fertilization.
1984 Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first
woman to walk in space. She was aboard the orbiting space
station Salyut 7.
1994 Israel and Jordan formally ended the state of war that
had existed between them since 1948.
1999 Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. He was only
the second American to win the race.
2010 WikiLeaks leaked to the public more than 90,000 internal
reports involving the U.S.-led War in Afghanistan
from 2004-2010.
2014 smiled.

The number of mammograms donated thanks to clicks has dropped quite noticeably
when these two ladies went away. So here they are back, working hard to get
you to click. Donate by clicking!BreastCancer
SiteA free click helps to donate mammograms to women who
can not afford one.

Tech Support Pits: Re: Not getting a subscription
... not getting my subscription newsletters, not just the Humor Letter, but
others too. I can't re-sub- scribe because I am still on the list....

Dear Friends, If you are on the list, then the subscriptions are sent out
TOWARDS you. If you don't see them, then either you or your ISP are blocking
them.

Complaining to me won't fix your or your ISP's spam block. Check your spam
control program and, if necessary, white-list the missing subscription or
declare it as friendly. If your spam control program is OK, contact your
ISP.

If you are using one of those address collectors that pretend to be email
verification programs, but ask for people to fill out all kinds of information,
forget it!
NO newsletter send program will even click on a verification link, never
mind filling out some silly junkmail order form. If you want a newsletter,
it is up to YOU, to make sure that you are not blocking it.

The Humor Letter is no exception, except that you can still read it here,
on-line, at http://webby.com/humor,
even if you are blocking it in the mail.