These last few months have tore at my soul and shown me how easy it is power can be misused. Even while merely engaging in curiosity and trying to help this poor beleaguered city, death and destruction follow me.

I look at the list of names above. Wizards known far and wide for their power and body counts... and I wonder where I fit amongst them? The reports I've heard from Bellala about the ruins of Cormyr certainly put me above Hailiphor... and probably Shizanor... though the effects of his research may continue for years to come. I'm certainly taking leaps and strides at the others too..

I've been trying to realize how I got to this stage... Magic is a beautiful thing. Wonder incarnate. Yet somehow I seem to have become a War Wizard overnight. I never cared for War wizards. I generally considered them stupid uninspired excuses for mages... though with the onslaught I'm responsible for... I should probably show some respect for the dead...

I still believe in free Shadowdale. I dislike tyranny in any form.... but Corwyn was taking a count of our last incursion... and the numbers where high. I know that last cloudkill claimed more than I had personally killed in my entire life to this point...

I said personally!!

That's the part that disturbs me the most. Cormyr was an action I deeply regret, but it was still an accident. An unforeseen conclusion that couldn't have been guessed on existing information... This war is cold and brutal... it's Calculated... I prepare spells every day in the thoughts of killing as many people as I possibly can, and escaping to tell the tale.

I feel dirty.

The worst part is, I know it's not over yet... We will most like continue to push in until they are all dead. Or we are. It could really go either way here.

I'm not sure how much more I can do here... I've pushed more power through me in the last few days than I had in weeks... But the feeling... It's exhilarating!

I stand corrected. THAT is the worst part. To feel the power of battle and the excited rush of battle in my heart. To know that my spells are quicker, stronger and my preparations were better then that of my enemy.

I can't help but wonder if the others listed above started the same way...

I miss the simpler days, when battle was all theoretical and I got further with quick wits then raw power.

Still... we are helping on some level... We rescued many prisoners... though not as many as I had hoped... Moral was high going into this siege... but time will tell if today's failure will hurt us or not.

*Failure in that we didn't take the tower and stop Eregul as we'd hoped... if our plan had simply been another snatch and grab, hit and flee... it would have been a rousing success.

Ever since I inadvertantly destroyed a major population center, My mind can't stop thinking about it.

What happened?

Why did THAT happen?

I'd heard the 'legends' of this new kind of magic... I had dismissed them before Tilverton. Now I know better... but still not enough. I have two problems now... 1) I need to know more about this 'Shadow magic'. It's already been determined that Thultanthar is involved somehow... they created the dome over Tilverton... I need to know what I'll be facing when we finally meet...

On a side note, it saddens me greatly that I may encounter the fabled mages of Netheril as an enemy instead of the long lost kin that I am...

2) I need to reasearch in a way that won't destroy everything around me.

I can't help but think that the Darkstaffs hold the key... There was something about them... a coldness that when I tried to use it clouded my mind for weeks at a time... Based on the stories of where the group found them... I'm sure they're connected to this shadow magic...

Which means... that sometimes Magic and Nega-magic CAN interact... After all I cast Detect magic on the items... I Identified them... I learned their pass phrases and how to use them... and the city wasn't destroyed.