Pages

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Living Dangerously

It occurred to me this morning, as I was putting in my
contacts, that I should probably be dead already, by my own hand.

I don’t mean ‘intentionally’ or anything; it’s just that I
violate things like “conventional wisdom” and “safety precautions” as a matter
of routine. Take my contact lenses, for
instance.

The warnings say I should put in a new pair every month or I
may risk an eye infection. I’m also
supposed to empty and dry my lens case after every use.

Bah! I keep my
contacts for at least 2 months, or until I notice they don’t feel so fresh any
more. That takes my 6-month supply and
turns it into a 1-year supply. As for
my contact case, I replace the saline every other day and rarely dry them
out. And do you know what? I’ve been wearing contacts since 1980 and
have had zero eye infections or any other eye problems. Well, besides my vision deteriorating, but
that’s just the onward march of time.

Food safety is another thing. Pinky is all about food safety, having worked for the county as a
kitchen inspector for assisted living places, and I regularly ignore and refute
just about everything she tries to put into place at home. Like leftovers…

She packs all the leftovers up into Tupperware containers
and has them in the refrigerator within minutes of the end of dinner. And if I don’t eat them within a day or two,
she threatens to throw them out.

I say “threatens” because that would start WWIII. The Dude does not tolerate wasting food
under any circumstances. Well, if it
does indeed spoil, then that’s the exception.
But the thing is, during my bachelor years, I’d keep stuff in the fridge
for ages and still eat it. And I didn’t
even HAVE Tupperware… it was more like a bowl with foil on it.

Same goes for leaving food out. I can remember when I was growing up, Mom used to make the
traditional Friday night Mrs. Paul's and Mac n’ Cheese. After dinner, the macs stayed in the crock
pot on the counter, and any leftover fish sticks were put on a small plate,
where they stayed overnight. Most
times, I’d eat the fish sticks for breakfast the next morning. (Leftovers don’t usually last long in a
house containing a teenage boy.)

But the thing is… I didn't die, I didn't get sick, and I didn't get the runs… nothing. It was
the same with other simple foods that don’t necessarily require refrigeration,
like cakes, breads, cookies, peanut butter, and whatnot. We never kept that stuff in the fridge and
none of us were any worse for wear.

Pinky and I used to go round and round about meat
preparation too, especially with pork.
She was still laboring under the misconception that you have to cook the
shit out of it or else you’ll get worms or something. I insist that you can cook pork so that it remains juicy and not
tasting like shoe leather, without facing mortal peril.

All I can say is that I've cooked juicy pork chops for 20
years, and have never become ill from it.
In this day and age, The Pork Menace is a myth, left over from when
transporting meat in unrefrigerated trucks and rail cars was common. That’s no longer the case. Luckily, over the years I've been able to
bring her on board the juicy pork wagon.

"Juicy Pork Chop Wagon" would make a great band name. So would "The Pork Menace."

I know Pinky’s just trying to look out for me and I
appreciate that. But the fact is no one
can convince me that “Action A” is harmful when I've been engaging in “Action
A” for years without any measurable consequence. I call that “hard-won experience.”

I am a firm believer in the 5-Second Rule. Also, the 10 or 15-Second Rule, depending on
how much I like what fell on the floor.
See that earlier rule about not wasting food…

I also tempt fate, apparently, because I am not addicted to
hand sanitizer. Sure, I have some on my
desk at work, but I've had the same little 2-oz bottle for a several years and
it’s only half gone. I wash my hands a
couple times a day, and I get an annual flu shot and take some standard cold
germs precautions. I didn't used to do
any of that. And you know what? I still get a cold about once a year, regardless. Perhaps there’s something to be said for a
childhood spent playing in piles of dirt.
I bet my immune system could fight off the Cloverfield monster.

“Did you see the size of those T-cells? I’m outta here…”

Earlier this week, I had to pluck out an eyelash that was
growing out of the corner of my eye and Pinky gave me a 5-minute dissertation
on how to sterilize the tweezers before and after plucking. I ignored all of it and just yanked it
out. I figure, the tweezers only touch
the eyelash, which is then discarded, what’s the problem? If I stick the tweezers into my eye, I’m
going to have bigger problems to worry about.

It takes an act of Congress to get me to go to the
doctor. Pinky is always on me to go get
something checked… blood pressure, blood vessels, cholesterol, bone density, colon
integrity, you name it.

I’m one of those “If
it ain't broke, don’t fix it,” kind of guys. And when something does seem broken, my first response is always
to see if it will go away on its own, before seeking medical attention. I’ll wait it out for months. You’d be amazed how often it works out just
that way.

I do take vitamins and fish oil, but I don’t think they do
any good. I feel like I’m perpetuating
a fraud started by GNC. Every study I
read says that vitamins don’t have any perceptible impact when they’re taken as
supplements, as opposed to via daily meals.
But given my vegetable-deficient diet, I’d better hedge my bets.

I got rid of my bicycle last month. It wasn't because it was an old racing
10-speed that was 25 years old, or because the tires wouldn't hold air any
more. It was because Maryland has a law
that says even grownups have to wear helmets when riding a bike. That was the last straw.

When I was a kid, bicycle helmets caused injuries, because any kid seen wearing one would get the living
shit kicked out of them, just for looking like such a Nancy-boy. Even now, I won’t wear anything more
protective on a bike than a fortified baseball cap.

You know what the biggest peril I face is? Sleeping.
Seriously, every time I wake up, I have to take a full inventory on what
hurts. Is it my neck? My back? Shoulders or knees? It’s always something. Next thing you know, I’m going to have to
wear some kind of special helmet to bed.

My next most dangerous activity is stretching. If I stretch too vigorously, I’m liable to
produce a stabbing pain in my vertebrae, causing me to limp around for the next
week.

Luckily, Pinky is a certified massage therapist. She puts me on her table and straightens me
right out.

14 comments:

Bless Pinky for her competent, kind ministry. Without her, you might o.d. on mac & cheese or poop out on Mrs. Paul's.Welcome to the OOWIE CLUB. Wake early to get all the owwies out before your love wakes up.

We are definitely more resilient than the experts give us credit for.I stopped wearing contacts because of an overly enthusiastic eye doctor. She told me she was "surprised I hadn't lost an eye yet" because I didn't dry the water off my hands first before touching my contacts. Even though I did every thing else correctly, and had only been wearing contacts for a few years. She freaked me out so badly I just stopped wearing them altogether. Oh well, this has saved me a bunch of money!

In the morning, I figure I just woke up; how dirty could they be? At night, I'm too tired to putz around in the bathroom; I just take them out and hit the sack. It's been 32 years now, and not one eye infection. [knocks wood furiously...]

Oh my gosh! I do the same thing with my contacts. The pair in my eye balls are going on their 2nd month, as they are two week disposables. What I find works best is once a week I use the special cleaner that has peroxide in it. It takes my level of eye infection and subsequent danger down a notch. PLUS! They last even longer. I haven't ordered contacts in a long time, which is great, because I had to replace my glasses after SOMEONE *coughMaeliecough* BROKE them in half.

I live somewhat dangerously when it comes to food. I remember years ago when a coworker was in the kitchen looking forlornly at his yogurt. He said it had expired yesterday and he had to throw it out. I told him he was nuts, that I eat yogurt up until a month after the date (which may be the sell-by date, but then again, maybe not). Leftovers also getting eaten out of our fridge up to a week after they have been hanging out. I tend not to let my kid do these same things, but we are both pretty healthy regardless.

I do, however, always wash my hands before cleaning my contacts, although I wear the same pair for probably three or more (!) months (but only five days per week).

I agree. Back in my day, there was no sterilization. We just dealt with life. I think that's why kids are so sickly nowadays. They are too used to everything being all clean and shit. A lil bit o dirt never hurt anyone..

Exactly! When we grew up, there was no anti-bacterial soap, hand sanitizer or Clorox Handy Wipes. We went out and played in the dirt, used hankies or wiped our nose on our sleeves. In other words, we developed our immune systems.

Now, with the sanitized bubble everyone lives in, it's no wonder so many kids have allergies to everything under the sun and get sick every other month.

Glad I'm not the only one who abuses their eyes. I have the weekly kind and make the last 6 months. Believe it or not, that's better than what I used to. I kept a pair in for over a year, slept in them and everything. Went to the eye doctor and he read me the riot act. So now I only sleep in them on work days. I don't want to have to get up any earlier, that's a whole 2 extra minutes I could have slept.

I’ve never had the sleep-in-them kind of contacts, so it’s pretty automatic for me to take them out at night. Been doing it for 32 years now. But that’s not to say I haven’t slept in them by accident now and again.

Usually it’s “no harm, no foul,” but it’s still kind of unnerving to wake up and be able to see. At first I’m like, “It’s a miracle!” Then after a second or two… “Ah shit.”

Mine aren't the sleep in kind either. I just do it. My eye doctor said that I'm lucky that my eyes produce enough lubricant while I'm sleeping. I've saved a fortune though, since I never took them out, they never got handled and lasted forever. But I'm better about it now, don't want to push my luck.

I've slept in them so much that I hate waking up and not being able to see.

About Me

Heathen blogger living in Baltimore, with Pittsburgh roots. I comment on sports, politics, movies, TV, pop culture and anything else that sufficiently provokes me. More vital information can be found at the "Helpful Stuff to Know" link at the top of the page.

My Liberal ID Badge

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

Public Service Announcement:

This site has been touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendage..

AWARDS N'AT

Thank you to Valerie Nunez!

Thank you to Thoughts Appear!

Thank you to the Pedestrian Writer. And also to Misty's Laws.

Thank you to Red Town Blues

Thanks to Christy at My Mad Mind

Thank you to Faux Trixie!

Thank you to Jennifer Juniper and Valerie Nunez!

Thank you to Woman:Confused

Many thanks to The Guy's Perspective

Thank you to AskCherlock.com

Feature on Darwinfish2

From time to time, you may notice a break in the narrative called "Director's DVD Commentary." This is based on the features found on DVDs that allow the director, actors or writers to comment on the making of the film. I plan to do this to drop little nuggets about the making of the particular post in which it's found. You'll find these either in the post, or in Comments.