We live in a culture that appears
to be enthusiastic about sex. According to pollsters most people enjoy having
sex and lovemaking and do it regularly. Countless women’s magazines blare the
word “sex” on covers, barking out “sex quizzes” for everything under the sun.
Novels, television shows, and movies purportedly explore the nuances of erotic
life. The largest money-maker on the internet is -- you guessed it --
pornography. Otherwise bored housewives saturate the internet with revealing
photos of themselves (whether real or fake is irrelevant). Explicit sex
entertainment (especially in the Deep South) is a billion-dollar industry. It
would appear to the lax observer, that sex-positive attitudes are prevalent in
our society.

But appearances, as they often are, can
be deceiving. The very rationale for my Friday sex blogs is my contention that
most people in our culture are highly ignorant of, and ambivalent about, sex.
In opposition to our inborn erotic nature exist irrational fears about our own
sexuality. Social scientists have begun to note this irrational fear of sex, erotophobia,
and I have touched on this subject in previous blogs. I see this as a largely
unrecognized condition and its impact on our lives and culture goes largely
unnoticed.

Take the time to examine any aspect of
human sexuality in our culture and you will be confronted with sexual fear.
Consider the widespread discomfort many people experience even talking about
sex. Though the media assaults us daily on the sexual exploits of celebrities,
most of us have enormous difficulty talking openly and frankly about the
subject. It seems we suffer from what some researchers call a “sexual language
barrier.” I would add that most people feel more comfortable swapping spit (and
other bodily fluids) than sharing words about the event.

Children are the first casualty of
erotophobia. They pick up quickly on the adult discomfort with sexual language.
As one prominent sex researcher, John Money puts it: “… no child can grow up
without becoming acquainted with the taboo on talking about sex. No matter how
open the conversation may be at home, or among peers, every child discovers
sooner or later that certain everyday sexual words are absolutely forbidden in
school, at church, on television and elsewhere.”

Most parents feel uncomfortable giving
their children even basic sex education. Many children come of age without
knowing the correct names for human genital organs, for example. We’re so
ambivalent about sex that, in a society that supposedly values intelligence and
self-awareness, almost every female will reach adulthood without knowing the
name of her erotic pleasure center, the clitoris.

In a similar vein, most teenaged boys
masturbate regularly yet hear not a word from their parents about this
crucially important sexual behavior. Most parents I have known would rather
commit hara kiri than openly
discussing masturbatory pleasure with their children.

Our schools teach our children how to
paint, make music, play sports, and learn about their bodies in countless
non-erotic ways, but neglect erotic education. The focus of sex education in
our culture, interestingly enough, is almost entirely predicated on avoiding
disease and pregnancy. The issue of teaching creative ways to experience
pleasure is off the table -- completely unknown. The consequence of all this is
that most people reach adulthood profoundly ignorant about sex, especially its
pleasure potential. Consider masturbation, a sexual act that risks no sexual
disease or unwanted pregnancy. Tens of millions of people in our culture are
uncomfortable with it. The most comprehensive survey of U.S. sexual behavior
reports that half of the people who masturbate feel guilty about it. The
researchers believe this percentage underestimates the actual number of people
who feel negative about masturbation because those who are highly uncomfortable
with it stop masturbating.

Our behavior with our sexual partners
also reflects a sexual ambivalence. The average sexual encounter is quick and
often routine. Sexual surveys indicate that though there are unlimited
opportunities for sex, “… couples level off at about 1 hour a week, four hours
a month, or the equivalent of about six 8-hour days a year.” This is certainly
not a picture of much sexual action.

In fact, most of us have a narrow set
of sexual practices -- the “lick-em, stick-em, and cum” school of sexual
gratification -- a short sequence of erotic acts that varies little from day to
day, partner to partner. We seem to fear any form of sexual experimentation or
originality. Conversely, we seek out the new in movies, books, travel, fashion,
and gadgets but our sexual expression remains bland and repetitive.

You might be thinking that all this
doesn’t pertain to you, my reader. I hear it all the time, “Not me, Eddie.”

Bullshit.

Though sexual fear is widespread, it’s
hard to detect because it usually exists alongside positive attitudes towards
sex. Only a very few erotophobic individuals see all sex in a negative way.
Most of enjoy erotic pleasure in specific contexts. It’s similar to the way
some racists deny that their racist attitudes because “some of my best friends
are Latino/a.” Most of us cannot see our erotophobia because we are conscious
of only our positive sexual feelings. That’s why I’m confronted with a lot of
denial, statements such as, “I couldn’t be erotophobic; I’ve had so many
lovers, I’ve lost count,” or, “Not me Eddie! How could you say I fear sex, I do
it all the time?!!”

Secondly, erotophobia is often learned
is through a highly unconscious process. We acquire this fear in much the same
way we acquire accent in our speech. In the same way, we absorb erotophobia
subliminally in our early years through countless social interactions that are so
normal and widespread, we take them for granted. Sure, later adult experiences
serve to undo some this irrational fear of sex, but reinforces others. Schools,
religion, the media, and the legal system set policies that embed senseless
sexual fears in millions of minds, yet we are almost completely ignorant of its
effect.

Finally, the last reason why we are not
conscious of our own negative attitudes towards sex is that irrational sexual
ideas are so deeply entrenched in our culture that they are difficult to
recognize as ridiculous. Furthermore, even a suggestion of a culturally
sanctioned notion of sex will be attacked irrationally. One good example is the
widespread irrational belief that the sight of adult recreational nudity harms
children. Such an idea is regularly stated but has no basis in reality --
there’s no empirical basis for such a belief. It’s a delusion that is often
expressed, but rarely challenged. In fact it’s immune from rational challenge.
This is why few whites in colonial America could recognize that their (assumed)
ideas about racial inferiority lacked any sense.

All of this is not accidental. Like the
shameful and immoral institution of slavery (and racism), erotophobia happens
for a reason. It exists and is passed on because powerful forces drive it and
so so in order to socially control the masses.

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My life experiences have led me to strive to help others move their lives in a positive direction, exploring opportunities that would otherwise be closed to them. I like to think I sit at the crossroads of the dialectic between knowledge and action. I hope that what transpires here is reflective of my beliefs.