Poop and Pie

A description of what it is like to be me. In my head...in my world...what I think...what I do...how i poo...but never why...and never about pie...

Friday, September 30, 2005

Jonny Mosley is a HOTTIE HOTTERSON.

---the saga continues---

Ok, so we left off yesterday with a little frustration and alot of moisture damage. After I got all settled down over the small flood in my satchel, I sat down and started talking to the cute boy in the seat across the aisle. He is a very nice, just graduated from law-school Guatemalan named Salvador (like Dali - but not).

We talked for about 20 minutes or so while the plane took off and then both decided to stretch out and get some shut-eye. To my utter delight, the plane was very empty towards the back and the stewardess informed us that if we wanted to move somewhere else and stretch out - that we were more than welcome to. YIPEE! There were 3 unoccupied seats in front of me. Sweet. I put all those arm rests up, kicked my shoes off, grabbed 2 blankets for a pillow and 1 to cover up with and had the most comfortable airplane seats EVER. You couldn't pay me to move to first class. THIS was high class. I figured I had at LEAST a $600 seat with all this room. So I had that goin for me....

So we finally get off the plane, I move up and talk to the boy a bit more while we are landing and de-boarding, he gets my # and we part ways. (like we're gonna "hang-out" while we're both on vacation visitng friends here or something? plus, the dude lives in GUATEMALA!)

My friend Kathy B picks me up and we are off like a prom dress!

So, we drive around San Fran with no real agenda, drive over the Golden Gate Bridge and then over to one of her friends apartements. We discover there is this thing called Icer Air going on TODAY! What is that? Well, I'm glad u asked, They haul 150 tons of shaved ice to San Francisco and set up an 800-foot long ski jump course on one of the city's steepest hills (18% grade!). Here's the article. PLUS, to top things off, the temperature was 80 degrees! Talk about bizarro! The best part of all this, is that we arrived to the scene right at 3:45 when everything was ending, but also, PERFECT timing! We are struggling up this hill (and lemme tell u - this street is super steep) and get to the bottom of the snow packed street and lo and behold who comes flying down the jump? Jonny Mosley.

Man is that guy hot.

So, naturally, I am a bit star struck b/c A. he is s super hottie and 2.he's a fantastic skier.

So anwyays, its kinda funny, cuz all these people are trying to jump in and take photos with him while he is also trying to interview with some tv crew and he just tells everyone to follow him and they do. So this is where the most action-packed 10 minutes of the day happens. Everyone is crowded around him at the bottom of the hill and these 15 yr old catholic school girls have just gotten his autograph and are freaking out, screaming beatles-esque style. Just beyond the swarm of people around Mosley, is a bum finding his lunch out of the nearby trashcan on top of newspaper racks. In the background, the bus that was crossing the intersection has just been de-railed from its electric protrusions that power it. Called the MUNI, a "trolley bus" is a rubber-tired vehicle with motors powered by electricity from overhead wires.

Me & my friends are astounded at all that is going on and are just standing back and laughing our ass off while watching the bus driver try to remove it from the middle of the intersection. Hilarity ensues. :)

After all that commotion, we head off towards Fisherman's Wharf to take a gander at the sea lions. On the way there, we encounter the "World Famous Bushman...2006" This is a homeless guy who sits on his box, behind two large twigs of shrubery. Unsuspecting people walk by, consumed in themselves or their surroundings (or just doing what most people do and ignore homeless people in their obvious line of sight) and the bush-man shakes his twigs and scares them. On the other side of the street are about 100 people just standing there, waiting and watching for the next victim to cross his path. More hilarity ensues.

So we walk down to Pier 39, passing all types of interesting charachters and street performers along the way, and go watch the sea lions fight for their space on the dock.

It is about 5 o'clock PST now, I have been up and "going" now since 5:30am EST (that's about 15 hrs straight going on 4 anda half hrs sleep the nite B4). It has been a FULL day and I am pooped. Plus, the Smallville season premiere is on tonight and there is nothing that will keep me from that. It's a guilty pleasure and I don't care if u poke fun of me, Clark and Lex are HOTT and that is an excellent show.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Moisture Damage & hindsight

Oh boy - what a day.

Let's begin at the beginning, shall we? (Seems a reasonable place to start eh?)5:30am: alarm sounding. ugh. GOTTA get up and make my plane to San Fran.SUPPOSSED to leave BY NO LATER THAN 6:15.I leave at 6:30.SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!So it's 6:30...and I am going like 90 to the airport.Sweet.I decide that instead of going to the park and ride I always go to for 6 bucks a day, I'll just pull into the very first one I see - so it will be closer to the airport and there will be no chance I will miss my plane. Now, keep in mind that I haven't actually looked at the clock again yet since I've left my house - but this doesn't dawn on me at the time b/c its early and I've had very little sleep due to the fun date I was on the previous night. So anwyays - I realize (too late that is) that I am at the corporate fucking bullshit park-n-ride that's ELEVEN DAMN DOLLARS A FRIGGIN DAY!FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC.Let's see, that's $11 times 6 days= $66.great.Ok - get over it Emily - you gotta get yer ass to the airport and go on your trip and have a fun time. Just forget about it. I get to the correct cocourse before I check the time and it is 7:07. Damnit, I totally woulda had plenty of time to park at the cheaper spot. Well, hindsight is 20/20 ain't it?So, I'm waiting for the plane to board - and I decide to text blog a msg from my phone. I spend about 30 minutes texting until my thumb is raw and right when I get to the end and I am about to press SEND - my phone freezes up. WTF? Ok-that sux. Because had u people been able to read it - it was clever and funny. In case u ever notice - I usually blog first thing in the morning when I am at my most profound and the cleverness level seems to soar...sometimes.So - ok - get over it Emily, it's not really that big of deal - don't get upset about it. So now it's time to board the plane.Oh but let me tell u about the stupid flight attendant.So, everyone has flown before, I can assume.When u board the plane, the cockpit is the only thing to the right, right?Ok. That's settled.So we're truckin down the ramp and as we approach the plane I can hear the most high-pitched, insincere voice explaining to people the "directions" to their seats.Like no shit lady, it's DOWN the aisle? U mean - it's NOT to the left towards the pilot? Well no shit sherlock.So I get up there and she's asking me where my seat is. I show her my boarding pass and she starts to tell me where to go, "go down and to the left". I honestly thought she was finished with her directions b/c the woman in front of me just got a "straight back" direction. THAT's when I started thinking to myself, well NO SHIT - where the hell else would it be? I almost said it aloud - but I refrained. (it was tuff) - so she says to me - left - so I start heading back consumed in my own smart-ass remarks I would have liked to say to her - laughing to myself. I glance back and she kind of scoffs. I guess b/c she wasn't finished with her instructions on how to "find" my seat. This is what i was thinking and what I WANTED to say:

Oh, really? It's back this way? Look lady - I know my alphabet, and I know how to count. I BET that I can find my seat ALL by myself! Amazing isn't it?!

Okay, so before that incident, I had carefully placed my popeye's cup of water with lid in my satchel so as to have less to carry while I am trying to shimmy down the aisles with my luggage. So i get to my seat ALL the way back in 46E (extreme back of the plane. seriously. last row by the bathrooms.) I set my bag down and instantly remember the water - oops! I open my satchel and lo and behold - everything is swimming. There is about 2 inches of water in there. Oh great - my ipod is completely submerged in water. So I am cursing under my breath. Trying not to let the cute boy in the seat next to me hear me. But it is futile. I empty the contents of my bag and scurry to the bathroom to dump out the remaining water. In my haste, I should have made absolutely sure there was nothing else in there. But again. Hindsight. DAMN U HINDSIGHT! (shaking my fists in the air towards the sky)I go back to my seat and the stewardess (or whatever the hell the PC term is) asks me if that is my phone in the sink.MY FUCKIN PHONE is SWIMMING in a puddle in the airplane bathroom sink. It wasn't swimming BEFORE I dumped the entire contents of the bag out. NO, it was stored securely in a upper pocket in an unzipped zipper area. But in my haste, I had dumped it into the water and caused (what I found out later to be) irreversible "moisture damage".

--- we interrupt this broadcast --- please stay tuned for the rest of this exciting and action-packed day tomorrow ---details at 11---

2:30 amI kept tossing & turning and in the state of mind somewhere between sleep, dream and reality of surroundings I kept imagining that someone was trying to get in the house because I thought I had heard a knocking type of sound. I would become slightly concious and then attribute it to my cats trying to get out of my room or something like that and quickly return to beautiful sleepland USA. Until the heart-stopping pounding noise awoken me for real.Now let me preface this by explaining the layout of our apartment and how far my bedroom is from the front door. In a shotgun type style I am the 3rd room from the door. (see image)

I opened my bedroom door just as he is pounding the loudest and hardest to then seeing my roomate opening the door to the screened in porch to temporary neighbor (and temporary, DEFINITELY NOW FORMER) hookup Mike from downstairs. "Drunk again, and looking to score" as Offspring so eloquently stated in the early to mid 90's.My roomate (God love her) begin handing him his ass on a platter with extra fries and special sauce.

I am standing in the doorway to my bedroom with a look of disgust & disbelief on my face.

I slam my door shut...wait till I hear her slam the door to the front porch until I emerge again. APPARENTLY he had been calling her phone psychotically and obsessively over & over & over since 1am and pounding on her door and the wall beside it for at least 30 minutes. And this is the SECOND time he has done this. He already was told once how upset she was the first time and how she has to get up at 5:30 am and teach 1st graders ALL DAY LONG. How he is jeapordizing her career and on and on with the stuff most people know better about.

So she gets rid of his stupid drunk ass and we both try & go back to sleep. I don't know about you, but after being awoken like that, it was hard to lie back down. Especailly since the alcohol had worn off (damn!) :)My mind begins racing..."I'm going to get his # from my roomate tomorrow morning and call his ass incessentaly all morning from 6am on and wake his ass up....u dont wake ME up....fucker....now my damn cats are fighting cuz they think its time to get up for the day....stupid fucker....oh i know what i'm gonna do...i'll post his phone # on my blog and write about it and let anyone who reads it call him and tell him what an ass he is too....yes...excellent....am i evil? yes i am....u dont fuck with me and my sleep!"

So...HERE IS HIS PHONE #:

504-460-9805

Preface it with a *67 so it blocks your phone # from showing up on his caller id.His name is Mike. Call him early and often.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Does it count?

Okay, so I get to work this morning and I ask the dude if he got anything in the mail last nite. He responds with a shrug and a look and says waht are you talking about? AND I BELIEVED HIM...but then he broke and ACKNOWLEDGED that his stupid girlfriend handed him the letter and said I think there's somehting in it like a penny or something...so do know what he did? HE THREW IT AWAY! He didn't even open it! So now he is prancing around the office boasting how it didn't count because he never actually "touched" the penny and since I was getting so "upset" about it that he had won! I wasn't UPSET as he put it - but I do believe I made a big deal about how it most definitely DID count since the penny was last in his possession. Right?! RIGHT? RIGHT!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Pacifier? Whatizit? and a good Penny Story!

The time is 6:32pm - EST.

I have a match.com date in about 1 hr so I gotta make this quick. (plz don't laugh - actually i don't care what u do - i can't hear you!)

So Sunday nite I am on my way home from my parental unit's house in Marietta and i get to the intersection of Ponce de Leon and N. Highland Ave. I am sitting there at the light rockin out to "Video Killed the Radio Star" (YES - I AM a child of the 80's - who cares!) in my car and lo & behold the strangest charachter is sauntering up the street towards me. He is a portly fellow about 50 yrs old give or take 5 yrs and he is wearing denim overall shorts and he has a pacifier in his mouth. NO SHIT.And THIS is why I love Atlanta!

As he walked by me - I thought to myself, MAN I wish I could get a shot of him! Lucky me! He turned around as if sensing my needs.I screamed and promptly rolled my passsenger side only window up. I instantly and instinctively grabbed my phone and pretended to be chatting on it. But what I was actually doing is pressing the correct sequence of buttons that allows me to take a picture! (oh how clever u are - i think to myself!)He walked by my car, looking directly at me. He proceeds to walk directly in front of my car towards the driver side window (which was still rolled all the way down with video killed the radio star pumpin at full volume) and I am thinking - oh no - is he going to try and talk to me? Yet I was intrigued as well...He started to crosss the street, then turned back towards the sidewalk - then started walking back the way he was going originally - that's when I snapped the pic!Unfortunately, he had already removed the pacy from his mouth, but you can see it hanging off his overalls, but I know its not a great shot. But its something!

THEN....On my way home this afternoon - I am sitting at the very interesting corner of Cheshire Bridge Rd/access to 85 & Piedmont. (if u live here - by the Taco Cabana)And this gem of a creature is standing waiting for a bus or something. Is it a man? Is it a woman? WHO KNOWS? Your guess is as good as mine. But, what ever it was, it approached my passenger side window - b/c unlike last time - I had not thought so quickly to roll it up - this time Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone" (or as my special friend at work likes to sing: "Since You've Been John" :) is blasting... (go ahead laugh if u will - but I know u all have secret musical tastes stowed away with the other skeletens in the closet of yours! besides, its a good song and she has a great voice). It asks me for change. I have like 8 pennies sitting in my cup holders (for reasons I will explain here later: - PENNY STORY) - so I give She/he/it the pennies and then I feel bad so I dif in my purse and grab the rest of it and give it to the She/he/it.

Take a gander:

PENNY STORY:

Monday at work we had a sales training meeting for our reps. After work, we went to dinner at the bosses house where they cooked us up a tasty beef tenderloin, scalloped potatoes served with some dee-lish-us Robert Mondavi Private Selection 2001 Pinot Noir (MMMM!). My special friend JPA & I somehow began the penny game. I slipped a penny into his pocket (i was attempting to be sly - to no avail) then he gave it back to me - this went back & forth a few times over the course of the evening. Slightly flirty I think ;)Tuesday morning..I planted said penny at his mouse on his desk.Later that day...He faxes me a copy of the penny...Then, tapes the actual penny to my monitor while I am away from my desk.I then take a screengrab (or picture if u will) of the penny taped to my monitor, email it to him, go in his office while he is away from his desk, and save it as the background on his desktop!

But... I still have the actual penny..

The day is over, I am leaving to go home, I walk to car, open the door... and.. He had lined up about 8 pennies all along the top of the driver side door frame so when I opened the door all the pennies seemed to drop out of nowhere!Oh he got me GOOD! I was laughing my ass off.

BUT...I have put in the mail a certified letter, sent it to his HOME address and all that is in there is a single penny taped to the inside with the words: GOTCHA! haha! your turn!

I sent it from my house Wednesday morning so he should be receiving that letter this evening... AND since I get in way before he does, I plan on taping a bunch of pennies to his wall that says GOTCHA - ot UP YOURS or something sweet like that..I can't wait until tomorrow!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Redneck Graffiti

What up world?So, Friday nite I dragged my roomate out to this art gallery opening/showcase thingy called "Redneck Graffiti" - it was pretty kewl, to say the least. They had this one painting I particularly enjoyed. I don't know what they call it - but I call it the Cring. It looked similar to their other stuff -a combination of typography and abstract - but this one had list of words on it incorporation the word cring instead of king? ie: The Lion Cring, The Cring of Suede, The Cring Plow Center, you get the picture...

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Quiet Morning and the story of Ben

For the first time in a very very very long time, I was the first to arrive at work this morning. I know this may not seem much to anyone, but it's nice to have a few quiet moments in a place where there is nothing happening, no one talking, no phones ringing, and no music playing. Complete serene quiet. Ahhhh....

For this is the time when I blog most efficiently and creatively. No interruptions, no one peering over my shoulder to see what I am doing. I just don't get the urge when there are people all around.

My friend Ben emailed me yesterday. (hi ben!) I haven't talked to him in a very long time. How Ben & I met is an interesting story actually, but not as interesting as what me and my friend Dee did to him one April Fools Day a long long time ago in a land far far away...Well, it's actually not all the far from where I reside now, but he lives far far away, so it works. But I digress...I met Ben and his friends Rick and Cauley on a plane from Atlanta to Vail. We had all received the same promotional ticket thru Rocky Mtn Ski & Snowboard shop here in Atlanta. I remember hearing the promotion commercial vividly as if I just heard it 5 minutes ago...it said this: Buy ANY skis or snowboard in their shop and get a free ticket to Vail. I flipped when I heard it. I was getting ready for work (at Planet Hollywood in Atlanta - it is no longer - bankrupt u see) and dropped everything. See, I needed a new snowboard anyways, so what the hell! AND a free flight to Vail! I still had many friends in Aspen(I had only just moved from there less than a yr before) so I could fly into Vail - and scurry over thro the mtns to Aspen (only about a 2 hr drive) to stay with and spend time with my friends! And go snowboarding on my brand spankin new (at the time - never summer had just come out) Never Summer 157 too! (extra bonus!) Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

So anyways, one of my friends was on her way to pick me up to drive me to Aspen - but wasn't going to be there for a few hrs after we landed - so I had time to kill. So I met Ben and his friends on the plane, and they were going to try and get a few runs in before the mtn closed. We landed about 3:00 and the mtn closes at 5....however, a little secret about Vail...if you get on the mtn AFTER 4PM - you can ski/snowboard for free. That's right. FREE VAIL. But the only drawback is that only the gondola is running after 4 - so you have to make sure that you can always get back to the base of the mtn where the gondola is - you would think this might be an easy task - but let me assure you - it can be difficult - Vail is a HUGE ASS MTN. When I say HUGE - I mean that Vail has over 5,289 acres of skiable terrain. That's 230,389,783 square feet, 8.26 square miles.Anyhow, I ended up riding with these guys - and got totally lost and separated from them on the mtn. Now keep in mind - I didn't really know these guys - not everyone had cell phones yet - and all my shit was left back at the condo they had rented for the weekend. Now, for some reason, I wasn't really all that worried about it - I figured I could find my way back to the place if I had too - but, by some miraculous grace of God, I was shimmying down and thought I saw Ben - and shouted for him and it was him!

---interruption--- one of my co-workers that sits back here with me just arrived. Oh well, it wasn't going to last forever. I did have a good 35 minutes tho!---continuing on---

Anyhow, to make this too long of a story short - I found them and we got off the mtn and commenced with the Apres Ski. That bonded us and we became life-long friends. Well, friends anyways - he lived down the street from me back in the ATL and we would go out and party together. In fact - he was unemployed when I got laid off and was kind enough to take me to the unemployment office to show me where it was - after which we stopped by the liquor store (in the same parking lot of course) and bought some 40's (which by the way we kept in the brown bag for authenticity) to celebrate our being laid off and commenced with the drinking and domino's on my front porch in the highlands...ahh.. good times... :)

Now, onto the April Fools Day scenario...So, I had had a party at my house on St. Charles Ave (ahh, those parties were the bomb!) and Cauley & Rick had come into town (they both lived in Florida and Ben was in Canada for work) and were staying at Ben's place. These guys were always pranking each other in some way or another - so at about 2am we devised an ingenius plan to "get" Ben real good. See Rick & Cauley had both met my good friend Dee - but Ben had never met her since he was out of town. Dee also worked part-time as a leasing agent. We concocted a plan out of pure evil genius. We decided that when Ben cam home from being in Canada for about 3 weeks - he would come home to this girl Dee - who had "sub-let" this apartment from Cauley & Rick. The story was this... Dee had just moved to Atlanta from Buffalo, she met these guys out at a bar, they offered her Ben's apartment to sublet thru the summer for $1000 - she paid them and they blew it all on strip clubs in Atlanta that very same night - so the money was gone. She brought over all her stuff - clothes, hairdryer, her dog, she even had tampons scattered about in the bathroom - she even replaced a photo in a frame with a picture of her and her boyfriend. Oh yeah and we stuck some of his movies and stuff in a box like he was coming to pick it up. I was hiding in the shower behind the curtain - b/c he knew me) so when Ben came in - he was startled cuz the dog was barking at him and Dee was just sitting there - playing solitaire, having a drink. They went back and forth with who what how and he reached to pick up the photo frame - to say look - its my apt - i live here - but he picked it up and there was a photo of dee and her boy instead of Ben! She also showed him fake phone connection contracts and a fake lease (remember - she was working as a leasing agent at the time) so it all looked very real! He was on the phone with Cauley telling him that he had stepped over the line and that he was about to bring her down to Florida so that Cauley could take care if it- b/c Ben thinks that Dee is an innocent victim in the whole thing! Meanwhile - I am trying to contain myself from laughing in the bath tub. Finally after about 20 minutes of keeping him going - we tell him its a joke and I burst out of the shower stall and he is so worked up and relieved - we go out for drinks in the highlands as he proclaims how we are his hero! Funniest shit ever - still wish I had thought to video tape it! DAMNIT JIM!