The issues parents have to face

The media has sometimes suggested ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) doesn't really exist, that it's all down to bad parenting, letting children do what they want (including watching too much TV) and feeding them junk food.

This isn't true. The bottom line is ADHD is a medical condition and nobody is to blame.

Children with ADHD can be very demanding: they are always on the go, never stop asking questions and will push and push for more.

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Sometimes you can feel overwhelmed, and this can make you feel as if you're failing as a parent.

All your friends and family seem to have angelic, well-behaved children while you have a tornado who fiddles with things, upsets people and never listens.

You may need help in parenting your child simply because you have extra issues to deal with.

Why me?

Self-esteem as a parent

If you feel you're failing as a parent, you'll be stressed and find it harder to cope with your child's demands.

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You're dealing with more than the average parent, and no parents are perfect - so is often necessary to lighten up on yourself.

If your child sees you are relaxed and coping, she's less likely to get anxious about her condition.

Some parents may wonder why they couldn't have a nice, quiet child instead of the livewire who never listens. But there are a number of reasons why children develop ADHD.

Because a large part of the risk of having ADHD comes from the genes. It is therefore common for another close relative (most commonly male) to also have ADHD, although they may never have been diagnosed.

Is it my fault?

No. It's nothing to do with:

Letting your child watch too much TV. Children with ADHD like TV, fast-moving computer games and films, so it can be helpful to use these activities as part of a reward system.

Diet. Some children do react to additives (and that includes those who don't have ADHD) and some food intolerances can make the condition worse, but diet doesn't cause ADHD. If you want to try an exclusion diet, get advice from a qualified dietitian first.

Being a working parent. Plenty of children whose parents work don't have ADHD.

However, your parenting style can influence how you and your child deal with ADHD.

Dealing with a child who acts before she thinks things through, loses and breaks things and forgets what you've said 30 seconds later can be frustrating and stressful.

It can drive you to the point where you give up on discipline, and find yourself being snappy, critical or even hating your child. This can lead to further behaviour problems, in particular oppositional or aggressive behaviours.

You need help to deal with the difficult behaviours and accept that you're not perfect – and that what works for one child might not work for yours.

ADHD as a medical condition

Like all conditions that affect behaviour or mood, the causes of ADHD are not well understood. To the outside world, your child 'just has a behavioural problem'.

With problems such as asthma or a broken leg, you can often see the causes (eg pet hair triggers asthma) or the effects of problem (the cast and crutches), so people tend to be sympathetic.

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With ADHD, the brain chemistry is invisible and the physical display of symptoms – ie problem behaviour – makes people critical rather than sympathetic.

ADHD is a medical condition, so it needs treatment. This means help from psychiatrists, paediatricians, psychologists or behaviour management specialists, and possibly medication.

The difficulties in coping with an ADHD child

Coming to terms with treatment for ADHD

You may be relieved to get a diagnosis - at last, you know what's wrong with your child and can get help.

You may be worried your child will be labelled for life and will be picked on and discriminated against because of her condition.

Or you may feel worried about your child being on strong medication. However, the earlier you get help, the better it's going to be for your child.

School issues and ADHD

The statementing process takes up to 26 weeks - and even then you may need to appeal if you and the school feel the help isn't enough. This raises a few issues.

What happens until you get the statement? Most schools have a budget for special needs, which can give temporary funding for help in the classroom. You'll need to negotiate how much help she'll get and how her condition is managed during the times when she doesn't have help.

How much help will the statement award your child? What happens if it's not enough?

How will the teacher/SENCO respond to your child and help her to feel part of the community?

What about taking medication at school?

How are you going to manage homework issues?

The important thing is to work as a partnership with the school. You'll be involved in a lot of meetings with the SENCO (special educational needs co-ordinator), class teacher and possibly the headteacher.

Sources of support

There are several people who should be able to offer you support:

Health workers: your GP and health visitor

Education workers: your school SENCO and 'parent partnership' worker from the local education authority (LEA).

Support group: there may be a local group for parents whose children have ADHD, or you could join a national group such as ADDISS.

Finding time for your own needs

Between work, coping with a demanding child and extra meetings with education or healthcare workers, it can be hard to find time for your own needs.

But you need a chance to let off steam and wind down again – so schedule in some 'me-time'.

It's hard to entrust someone else with your difficult child.

If you can find a good friend or relative who will accept your child for who she is, ask them to babysit once a month or so. That way, you get time for yourself and your partner.

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.