An ex is calling, Part II

Some of you pointed out the fact that this guy is Jewish and Yom Kippur was coming up — a time when Jews around the world ask for forgiveness.

Others said that his conversation sounded right out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And many of you pointed out that it’s simply the universe is at work, like TS Quest who said:

“I think you are being tested... This is something that has come back into your life to show you something about yourself. Maybe it will show you your strength. Maybe it will show you that its okay to be vulnerable. But it will show you something and it probably won’t be comfortable. Get out of the comfort and welcome the growth. Take a chance.”

(Do you see why I turn to all of you?)

Here’s what happened:

We made a plan to meet for coffee, then he called to say that something had come up at work. We rescheduled.

He called again and left a message, saying that “something else” had come up. I didn’t call back. This was feeling like way too much work.

That’s when he emailed me:

“Hey Rachel,

Although I would still like to catch up and hear how things are going with you, I have since been focused on a diligent attempt at rescuing my relationship with ex-fiance.

I am pretty sure that she would not be too excited about you and I meeting and reminiscing, but perhaps a phone call or two wouldn’t be out of the question; she gets pretty uneasy about “other” girls…

Thanks for your understanding and let me know if you would be up for a phone chat soon.”

~~~

I wrote back:

“Sounds like a lot of the drama. I’m in a good place right now – without any relationship drama. I really wish you the best.”

Wow. Yeah, does sound like a lot of drama. Who knows what his intentions are? Maybe all of this confusing stuff before-hand is going to put you in a position to be stronger than you thought. I don’t think he means anything other than a friendly meeting with the mention of the girlfriend and all…

Still, I’d be curious if this “meet for coffee” ever even happens. His persistence is both intriguing and confusing. Hmmmm…

oh, i’d go just out of curiosity. maybe i’m a little bored right now. i’ve recently talked to an ex, and while i have no intention of going out with him it was a really nice conversation. maybe because i didn’t want anything anymore.

Why did you call him? You know about the girlfriend and the potential drama, and you made it clear in your e-mailed response that you didn’t want to get mixed up in anything like that. I would have left it at that.

He sounds like he’s confused and many need a shoulder to lean on, and perhaps a sympathetic ear. But why you? Who has he been talking to in all the years you were out of touch?

You’re not a close friend, and I know that you get attached easily. Moreover, while you’re very kind to give people the benefit of the doubt, you’re also likely to get your hopes up, only to be let down. Why go through that?

I agree that the meeting may never even happen, anyway! He clearly needs to get his act together.

This just smacks of a selfish guy trying to make a soft landing for himself! Call me cynical, but it’s a behavior I’ve found myself doing before . . ..

. . .a serious relationship goes South . . feelings of inadequecy and insecurity creep in . . .he’s asking himself if he’s still “got game” and HATES the idea of being alone . . .

who better to reach out to than a kind, caring, former flame that never really got off the ground?

If you’ve got the time and energy to deal with this – good on you, but if you really are on the path of avoiding drama – BACK AWAY SLOWLY, then turn, RUN and never look back!

Besides, who wants to be involved with a guy nursing a failing relationship with someone he was supposed to be marrying? This is serious stuff. But it’s also good fodder for a gal with an itchy keyboard

Keep us posted . . .I’m not above camping out to watch some fireworks!

I will admit, I have plutonic relationships with ex’s. It wasn’t immediately after we stopped dating..but it did happen. Now, we’re friends. They’ve tried to fix me up on blind dates a couple times. Who knows what will happen.

Soooo not cool! This guy is a piece of work and playing both sides. I loved your email to him and think you should adhere to it…leave the drama before it finds you, cuz lemme tell you, it’s looking for you!

Initially, I thought you should meet with him, but you know what he wanted now so there really is absolutely no reason to hook up with him. The red flags are there trying to warn you to stay away. Put yourself in the ex-fiance’s shoes…

on the one hand, I would be very curious – but I would be all about protecting myself because OBVIOUSLY he has no idea that you require any protection whatsoever – blowing you off, the ex-fiancee bs. He is intriged by the challenge when you said no dramas – make sure you have a very nice coffee, ask “what is this about” and walk away satisfied.

This kid is FUNNY! For a mere guilty pleasure of finding out what “changes” he’s going through I’d go out of morbid curiosity. Sounds like you’ve pretty much written him off as a flake, which I would, but the kicker is that while he thinks he’s “changed” it really sounds like the same old indecisiveness. Plus, who couldn’t use a good cup of coffee!

I figured Dadshouse would be on here defending guys everywhere but I guess I beat him too it. I was skeptical from the last post but with the girlfriend thrown in and it being coffee, I would throw out the possibility that the guy has some question regarding the relationship he’s trying to save that he thinks only a woman can answer. And maybe he doesn’t have a lot of female friends.

I also don’t see how meeting for coffee automatically leads to dating. That makes two pretty big assumptions.
1. That’s what he has in mind and he asks.
2. and this is a big one…Rachel has to agree to see him again.

Of course if he doesn’t show on Monday he’s passed the three strike rule. He’s already rescheduled twice and after the third time you have to figure he’s too busy or too inconsiderate for you to waste time with even if it is just a friendly thing.

Seems like he does not know what he wants… trying to get back together with his ex-finance and cant meet up with you for coffee but then thinks a call would not hurt (i.e. gf will not know if we talk on the phone- it is a *safe* way to communicate) but then he emails and wants to get together. Not sure what his problem is…

If this was me, my curiousity would be eating me alive !!! I would have to go see him, although it does seem like you are being *jerked* around a bit with stuff coming up.

Little word of advise I read yesterday and wanted to share with all women- especially those not in relationships or those in new relationships : ‘Never allow someone to be your Priority, while allowing yourself to be their Option’!

Rachel, You said…. “Sounds like a lot of the drama. I’m in a good place right now – without any relationship drama. I really wish you the best.” I AGREE! You’re in a good place right now and you don’t need that. He’s trying to work things out with an ex-fiance. Emails as friends or phone chats are fine. You should stay away! And all this after 6 yrs of not contact?! It sounded fishy then and now it sounds fishier! If you go “good luck”. I agree with Christy: Never allow someone to be your Priority, while allowing yourself to be their Option’!

… sounds like trouble! However being human we often run from trouble the wrong way… right smack into it! However, there is no harm meeting this guy for coffee, especially since he really was a friend, but if coffee turns into more than coffee, then you insert yourself in the middle this guy’s messed up, drama filled life, and you clearly stated that you are currently happy without any relationship drama right now. Nevertheless sometimes a little relationship drama is better than no relationship or companionship whatsoever! Your call… as adult single parent dating is surely a contact sport and is not without risk! If in fact you want to jump this guys bones regardless of what is happening in his life (since things didn’t work out with the UPS man), it sounds like this guy would happily accommodate you, without much consideration of the x-fiancé who has him in such a quandary.

TROUBLE….you know that already.
CURIOUS….I am with you on that and would be tempted as well but so guard your heart. Give yourself a time limit you have to stay to such as an hour before picking up M and if you think you want more from him leave it with it being his responsibility to contact you

I don’t love that he keeps roping you back in and using your time, energy, cell minutes and blog space. I do understand your response…I would probably do the same thing. One of the things I have been working on really hard (thanks, therapy!) is to not feel the need to respond to every phone call, email or request. And maybe it would feel freeing to just release him (and his emails and jealous girlfriend and requests and non-committal-ness) to the universe.

As a good friend reminds me often, “Your life is bigger than one man.”