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Obviously I couldn’t just let one of my kids pick a winner because they would have killed each other. So, we have 2 winners of the back to school prize: signed copies of Seduction and Snacks, Futures and Frosting and Troubles and Treats. The winners are picked in the video below:

In case you guys missed my awesome Facebook post on Tuesday, my kids finally went back to school. I remember when each of them started Kindergarten. I held it together until they got on the bus and it pulled away. And then I broke down, sobbing, heaving, snotting all over the place, wailing about my babies being gone and “OH GOD! WHAT IF SOMEONE PICKS ON THEM AND I’M NOT THEIR TO KICK THAT LITTLE SHIT’S ASS????!!!”

This year, I got a tiny bit sad as we waited for the bus. However, they now get on the bus with their two cousins so there were four kids running up and down the driveway screaming and acting like fools. When I asked my son if he was excited to go back to school, his reply was: “School sucks. This whole thing can suck it. Why can’t I just play PlayStation forever?” I asked my daughter the same thing and she said: “It’s too hot. My backpack is too heavy. I’m thirsty. I’m hungry. Why did you make me wear this outfit? I’M SO FREAKING HOT. My shoes hurt my feet. IT’S SO HOT.”

As the bus pulled up, I kissed them both goodbye and shoved them into the road to get on. As it pulled away, I didn’t cry or worry. Me, my husband, and my sister-in-law did this:

As excited as I was for them to finally go back so I could have peace and quiet during the day, I forgot just how annoying school really is. Lunches to pack, clothes to pick out, arguments about clothes that are picked out, arguments about lunches that are packed, screaming, crying, yelling, fighting…and this is only DAY 2, people.

And let me tell you something, WTF with this homework? Is fourth grade math really something you’re going to use later in life? Answer: no. The only thing they need to know is how to use the calculator app on their smartphones. You can learn that shit in kindergarten and then never take another math class again. The only math I need to know is if a pair of shoes is $49.99 and 20% off, how much will I pay for them? Answer: who the fuck knows. That’s what the calculator app is for.

My son’s class has a new thing this year called the “Oops Book”. Basically, if you’re bad, you have to write your name in the “Oops Book”. If you’re bad again that day, your name gets circled. If your name gets circled AND underlined, the teacher calls the parents. Let’s just be honest here and call this thing what it really is: The Book of Shame. I already threatened my son’s life and told him he better never get his name in the “Oops Book”. I told him santa gets a copy of the “Oops Book”. I also told him God kills a kitten every time his name goes in the “Oops Book”.

I’m totally kidding.

I told him I’d kill a kitten if he gets his name in that book.

Oh stop, I love kittens.

My daughter told her teacher on the first day that her mom is an author. And she told her teacher about “Seduction and Snacks” and made sure she knew that it wasn’t a children’s book and that I told her she wasn’t allowed to read it until she’s 30. I was going to tell her to stop telling her teachers this information but now I kind of want to buy her a pony. This will probably ensure I don’t get any phone calls asking me to volunteer for classroom activities.

I assumed now that they are back in school, there would be less fighting in the evenings since they aren’t around each other all day and hey, maybe they might miss each other. WRONG. Fifteen minutes of being home from school today and there was a Nerf bullet to the eye, someone shoved off a bike, someone arguing about why he couldn’t have a bowl of sugar for dinner, and someone sucking her thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner.

That would be me, by the way. I’m the one rocking back and forth in the corner.

In honor of the kids going back to school, I’m going to give away one signed set of the Chocolate Lovers series (Seduction and Snacks, Futures and Frosting, Troubles and Treats) because all you mothers out there need something to laugh at during this time. And those who aren’t mothers need something to put them out of their misery while all the mothers are filling up their news feeds with this school shit. So, leave a blog post comment and I’ll let my kids pick a random winner tomorrow night when they get home from school so they can avoid killing each other for at least 30 seconds.

I learned a new word the other day. Unlike “twat waffle” and “groin ferret”, I really don’t feel the need to use it in a sentence every day. However, learning about this new word means that I can never UNlearn it. So, I’m bringing you into my misery. Folks, I give you: Bronies.

According to Urban Dictionary: Bronies – The term used to describe the fan community(usually of the older group, males and females) of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

I’m not kidding. I wish I was. And lets be honest here, I’m pretty sure they use the term “men AND women” very loosely. I don’t see anything wrong with women enjoying My Little Pony. I myself have a vintage My Little Pony t-shirt. However…MEN…I just…I can’t…

You guys, there is something called BronyCon. BRONYCON. Like ComiCon, but more child-molester-ish. Thousands of men dressed up as My Little Pony, discussing their love of My Little Pony. http://www.bronycon.org/

At BronyCon you can participate in such events as Writing Compelling Pony Novels,Ponycraft: Tainted Skies Panel. Does it escape anyone else’s notice that the word TAINT is used in this event??? Exactly. Because all of these men are dressing up as ponies and touching each other’s taints. Obviously. Hearts and Hooves EVERYday: Brony Couples. The couple that ponies together, stays together. Ask a Brony Psychologist. Um, ask them what??? Why these men are bat shit crazy? I’m pretty sure just walking through the doors of this event automatically gets you free psychological testing for life.

<<<No, totally not weird at all. Especially the photo bomber on the left who’s like “WTF? I thought this was the Monster Truck Rally!”

There’s even a special name for Bronies who yank it to My Little Pony. Here I am, assuming ALL these weirdos like a little Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle ass. So not the case. These special people are called…are you sitting down for this? Cloppers. Yes, folks, Cloppers. And from what I’ve seen, main stream Bronies don’t like the Cloppers. It’s like the Boods and Crips. CHOOSE A SIDE!

I guess telling people you are a Bronie is better than saying you’re into bestiality. Sounds legit. I say we all go to BronyCon. I want to do a book signing there. Look! There’s even a logo!

A Bronie was asked what the appeal of My Little Pony was and this was his answer:

“This is a show where, really, they want to teach us good lessons about friendship and how to treat each other right and, you know, how to help every pony get along.”

I think we can just assume that all of these dudes are virgins, living in their parent’s basement. We should just take up a collection to get them laid. Bronies need love too.

So, I’ve mentioned this a couple of times in the last few months, but you’re going to see me posting about it quite a bit more in the coming months. I’m going to annoy you and bug the hell out of you every time I talk about it, but I want to make sure no one is surprised when it actually happens.

I signed a deal with Amazon publishing a few months ago. It is a brand new, 3-book series and it’s going to be awesome, if I do say so myself. Think Stephanie Plum but with my brand of humor and hot sex. I know, right?! It is called the Fool Me Once series. Book number one is called Shame on You and it will be out February 27, 2014.

Now, before you get too excited, just remember: this series has been purchased by AMAZON PUBLISHING. Which means it will only be available on Amazon. It doesn’t mean I hate Nook users or can’t stand Kobo fans. I love you all equally and I hope you all continue to love me and my writing. This just means that Amazon offered me a deal and after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to take it. As a writer, I want to reach as many people as possible. As an INDIE writer, it’s hard coming up with new ways to reach more people and get them to read your words. Amazon Publishing can do more promoting and marketing-wise than I can ever do on my own. I’ve seen so many of my wonderful author friends publish with Amazon in recent months and during a time when they should be excited and hopeful, they are getting some backlash from their fans refusing to read their work now that it is only with Amazon. This makes me sad. I think we all need a group hug. I have authors that are on my automatic-download list each time they put out a new book. Authors I love and worship and will read anything they write, even if it’s the phonebook. If they decided one day to publish a book only in Canada and only on a Kobo device, I will drive to Canada and buy a Kobo.

Okay, that might be a little extreme and a a little costly because I’d need to get a passport and probably be arrested when I tried to smuggle all that liquor from the duty-free store back into the US at the same time, but still. The awesome thing about Amazon is that all of their reading apps are FREE. You can download the Kindle app to any device for FREE. So if an author you love decides to publish their book only with Amazon, it costs you nothing to get the app you need to read their book. I myself, am a pretty loyal Kindle reader. Reading books for me is just easier on my Kindle, but I would download ANY app I needed if one of my favorite authors published a book that wasn’t offered on Kindle. I’m an author-supporter, not a device-supporter.

So basically, all of this rambling is just me saying – please be supportive of the authors you love, no matter what publishing decisions they make. They aren’t making these choices lightly and it leaves them with very heavy hearts to know that some of their fans refuse to read them when their books are only offered on one platform. We try to make the best decisions we can so that we can continue making a living doing what we love.

When my new series comes out with Amazon Publishing, I hope you will all still love me and follow me on this journey. I am DYING for you to read this series. I’m not kidding…dying. I’m so in love with these crazy characters and the situations they get themselves in, it’s borderline obsessive. This is the only series that will be Amazon-only. All of my other books are, and will remain, on all channels.

So, that’s it. I will get down off of my soapbox now and get back to writing. Or daydreaming about my kids going back to school in 1 day, twelve hours, ten minutes, and thirty-seven seconds. But whose counting?

Are you sad that you didn’t make it to the Naughty Mafia book signing in Vegas this past week? Never fear, I have TEN (10) Vegas swag bags left over from the VIP event that Jasinda Wilder and I hosted! Just enter the Rafflecopter below for your chance at winning one of these bags!

Tomorrow morning I meet with the executive director of my local Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to hand her a check for $2,000. We collected TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS during the month of July from my Watch Over Me fundraiser as well as a few personal donations from some wonderful people. I am so happy to be able to hand this check over to them. This charity is very near and dear to my heart as most of you know so being able to do something like this is just amazing.

In honor of this, I’m challenging you to a “Pay It Forward” type of thing. If you’ve read Watch Over Me, you know that notes written on napkins are a large part of the story. For the next week, I want you to write a note for someone you love on a napkin and take a picture of either yourself holding the napkin, just the napkin, or even you giving the napkin to this special person. You can give the napkin to your significant other, your kids, the barista at Starbucks, it doesn’t matter! Just write a note to brighten their day!

Email the picture to me at tarasivecpromos@gmail.com. Each of the pictures will be posted here on my blog as they come in and your name will be entered into a drawing to win a signed copy of Watch Over Me, WoM swag, and a $10 Amazon gift card.

Yes, that is an actual ring tone I have on my phone and it’s the one assigned to my dad.

What are you wearing right now? Did a creeper ask this question? He should know since he’s watching me right now.

7. Do you label yourself? Yes, and my label says:

What does your watch look like? An iPhone 4. Do people still wear watches?

What were you doing at midnight last night? Writing

What did your last text message you received on your cell say? “Truth. I’d blow it too. That always seems to work on getting what I want.”

What’s a word that you say a lot? Fuck

Last furry thing you touched? EEEEEEW the fuck? Oh, wait. I have pets. Let’s go with my cat then.

What was the last thing you said to someone? “I don’t want to hear another word out of you unless someone is bleeding from the eyes.”

The last song you listened to? City of Angels – Thirty Seconds to Mars

Name three things that you have on you at all times? Cigarettes, iPhone, coffee

Can you change the oil on a car? Cars have oil?

Does anything hurt on your body right now? My brain

What is your current desktop picture? A picture of my books on a table at Barnes & Noble

Have you been burnt by love? Yes. Fucking massage oil candles.

What was your first car? 1989 Dodge Omni. Stick shift, no power steering and no radio. I was a baller, obviously.

What are you most afraid of? Clown-sized spiders. Or spiders that look like clowns. Or clowns holding spiders.

Four favorite movies you would watch over and over? Shawshank Redemption, Super Troopers, Gone With the Wind, Anchorman

Favorite drink? Cupcake Moscato wine. Or cherry vodka. With vodka in it. With a side of vodka.

What’s under your bed? Killer clowns. At least that’s what I imagine is under my bed when I can’t sleep at night and it’s 800 degrees in the room and I refuse to take the covers off because that just means the force field of protection around me is gone and the clown can eat my face.

How do you eat your cookie? Um, with my mouth? WTF?

*If you have any random questions you’d like me to answer, post them here and I’ll answer them next week!