Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage
event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that
connects Romney with the average American voter.-Jay Leno

Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to
anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas
now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.-Jay
Leno

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties
with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance.
Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.-Jay
Leno

To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida
has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much
like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top,
shake breasts, swing around pole.'-Jay Leno

A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their
computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands
aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'-Conan O'Brien

There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter
followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called
politics.-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of
Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job
before, so this is new.-Jay Leno

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that
inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that
just scare the hell out of Congress.-Jay Leno

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire
American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.-Conan
O'Brien

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes
said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British
food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.-Conan
O'Brien

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in
California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser
while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.-Jimmy
Fallon

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If
they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.-David Letterman

And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:

US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of
dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.

I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the
world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.

Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname:
Mittshugenah."

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We
Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.

Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why
do they pronounce it with a W?"

Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country
that still has a Queen.

If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most
are 1) background check and 2) spell check.