An ongoing, eclectic commentary on Unitarian Universalism, after retirement from active ministry--as I see it, practice it, and love it, with sidebars on life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Too early!

It's way too early in the morning to be up and around (6 a.m., but I have been up for an hour already), but here I sit at the computer with Loosy the Love Cat on my lap purring away as if it were 9 a.m. and the day just starting.

I noticed that ChaliceChick was awake at 1 a.m. when I checked out my favorites a few minutes ago, watching Keith Olbermann. And Juffie snuck in a post last night when I wasn't looking, as had Miss Kitty way down in Georgia. Thanks, ladies, for my early morning blog fix!

Early mornings are actually a pleasure for me, but they have their inconveniences as well. For example, it was too early for the South Whidbey Record to appear in the paper box, so I will have to tromp down again in a little while to get my local news.

I woke up feeling sad about my friend and hoping to find a message from her that expressed her desire to stay connected. But it hasn't come and I half-expect that it won't, that she didn't like my asking her why she'd never told me that she was angry so that I could do something about it or at least offer an explanation of my actions. Instead, she just slammed the metaphorical door in my face.

It's not just saying goodbye to the friendship that bothers me; it's the way it has happened, the helplessness of not being able to save it, the knowledge that she has talked about me with other friends and remarked in her note that they all say I've treated them the same way. WHAT? To the best of my knowledge, I haven't treated anyone badly. But I have changed, my priorities had to change when I moved away and began a new life, and, as Faded said yesterday in a comment, people are uncomfortable with changes.

Of course, it could happen that I'll get a message from her today and everything will turn out well. But right now I'm in early morning rain.

7 comments:

I'm not sure anyone mentioned jealousy yet, but I find that is often an unspoken element in friendship friction. You have moved and changed, perhaps in some ways that she wants to, but can't acknowledge. And it's never too early!

Thanks to both of you. I have been thinking about your comment, Ms. T. I don't know how much that enters in, but envy/jealousy comes in many forms, even though it's not always obvious. I don't think it's as linear as "she wants to be a minister", but I do think she feels that other matters have taken her place in my life.

Alas, such messages go with the territory of ministry. Because you will move, and probably move, and move, and probably move again between the time of your decision to enter ministry and your leaving it.

And in those moves, if you use a lot of your time/soul energy maintaining distant friendships, you will not be using that energy to make new friendships where you are. And you will be very lonely, and not, in a Thich Nat Han sense, being where you are.

It is always very hard for those "left behind" to understand this. They do not have the work of being somewhere new. Nor the expectation that they should need to use some of their time/soul energy to make a new friend now that you have gone. The void looms large. And all the worse because you are now a "minister" which means you must never hurt anyone. And just look how you hurt me. Righteous anger often follows this progression. ::sigh::

I'll say more on my own blog later today...great issue, thanks for sharing.

Juffie, your words help a lot. You have stated what I think has happened from the perspective of having experienced it yourself, and you said it better. I'll look forward to reading more from you about the issue. Thanks.

Yes, not jealousy in the sense that you were both in lay leadership, and then you shifted to professional religious leadership and she wants that. But jealousy in the sense that perhaps you are happy, or where you want to be, or fulfilled, or have other new friends, and perhaps some of that tugged at her in a jealous way in that one of those is something she wanted. I'm just speculating, of course. But of those criteria for friendship that Aristotle wrote about in Nichomachean ethics (virtue, kindness, goodwill, mutuality, equality, trust, affection...), certainly goodwill from her is lacking. :( But jealousy is one of my pet subjects (also collusion, and the idea of being taken advantage of), so I see it everywhere, regardless of whether or not it's there. ;)

Thanks, Ms. T. Part of what is hard about this is that it feels so uncharacteristic of her. She was always such a staunch supporter of my going into ministry, so I thought she understood that it would change me. That she would make such a shift, without warning, was blind-siding.