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Round 1: PunkRock at a Fro-Yo Bar

PR and I had been exchanging texts and emails for a week or so by now, and at one point he said something about cherry ice cream. I figured it was about time we met in person, so that prompted me to suggest the fro-yo bar.

Via text, PR seemed a little scattered. He’d send me funny pictures or random thoughts every day or so, and we’d talk about music. He seemed like a cool dude, but he did mention that he had ADHD. And it definitely showed.

Where are you?

He texted me around ten till 8 to say he was a little early. I was running about 5 minutes behind (my thought is that arriving early as a girl seems a little desperate). When I showed up, I texted to let him know I was there, then walked into the Fro-Yo place. He wasn’t there. Then I receive a text saying “Meet out front?” Ok…I thought he’d been there for 15 minutes already…

I stood around for another five minutes or so, and he still hadn’t appeared. So I texted to make sure we were at the same place. As soon as I looked up from my phone, he was there in front of me.

“I accidentally went to that smoothie place on the other side of the shopping center,” he told me, holding out his arms for a hug. I smiled warmly and gave him a brief hug, then we headed inside.

How’s it work?

He’d never been to a Fro-yo bar before, so I had to explain how everything “worked”. He ended up filling his entire cup with yogurt (that’s A LOT of yogurt) and then put a bunch of Captain Crunch on top. When we sat down, he placed his cup on the table and sat back on the seat, considering. “I didn’t really think this through,” he said, “that’s a lot of ice cream.” “Yup,” I said. He continued, “Plus this Captain Crunch is just going to cut the roof of my mouth.” He was silent for a second, then shrugged, “Oh well!” and dove into the mountain of yogurt and Captain Crunch.

Connect Four

Some of these yogurt places are really pretty hokey, and we ended up at one with a bunch of Connect Four games on the tables. So of course we played it. For like an hour. In the meantime, PR jumped from one subject to the next, frequently interrupting himself to go off on tangents and then completely forgetting about the original story.

“So all my work friends think I’m crazy for this,” he started off, “but I really want a pet skunk.” That was his ice breaker. And the rest of the conversation throughout the date was similarly introduced. In any case, it turns out skunks are kind of adorable (when their scent glands are removed).

Have you considered stand-up comedy?

PR is back in undergrad studying for a degree in Accounting, but he is currently taking a bunch of gen-eds and pre-recs. For his gym class, he signed up for Fencing.

“Fencing!?” I said, “That sounds pretty baller.”

“Yeah, I thought so, too until I realized something,” he put his hands out and raised his eyebrows, “I don’t like getting stabbed!” This made me laugh, “Hey, have you ever considered doing one of those Open Mic Comedy NIghts?” I asked him. “Nope,” he said right away. He cocked his head to one side, “Not sure why, though.”

Suddenly, something occurred to him. He leaped up and asked, “Hey! Have you ever considered wearing aluminum cans!?” “What?” I asked, but he was out the door before I had time to inquire further.

Five minutes later he’d returned with a pair of earrings. Made from Monster cans. They actually looked super cool.

“I drink a lot of energy drinks”

I told him that I liked how you couldn’t tell what soda can the earrings came from. “Really?” he said, incredulous, “I could spot sugar-free Monster from a mile away…but then, I drink a lot of energy drinks. Usually I get two energy drinks and a large coffee when I have a lot of studying to do.” He shrugged.

Wow, this explains a lot. Also, talking to him made me realize I don’t have ADHD. (Not that I’ve ever been diagnosed with it, I just had my suspicions).

Time to go

We played one more Connect Four game, then headed out the door. He gave me a hug and went to kiss me, but I turned my head so he got my cheek. As we headed to our separate vehicles, he yelled something funny about being the Connect Four champion. I was genuinely amused.

The Verdict

I liked hanging out with this guy a lot, but his ADHD and immense amount of energy was a little too much for me. I could totally see myself being friends with him, though, so I sent him an email and suggested we just be friends. He said he was down and said he might like to go to a karaoke night together sometime. Sounds like a plan.

Next up: Round 2 with Brusselsprouts – Sushi & Blues

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Round 1: Brusselsprouts (Lord save me from terrible puns)

So, my date with Brusselsprouts from Belgium went very well (!). We went to a maritime museum (my suggestion) at 10 am on Friday (his suggestion). The museum is a big part of our city’s tourist economy, and I hadn’t been there yet. I figured even if the date was bad, at least I could check the museum off my list.

Slightly Awkward Start

I guess it’s pretty standard for a date with someone you’ve never met before to at leaststart off awkward. This one was no exception. He bought my ticket, and we walked into an auditorium to watch an introductory video about the history of the museum and our city during WWII. It was a little uncomfortable to have to sit quietly next to someone I barely know, who I was supposed to be getting to know, and watch a movie. I guess I shifted around in my seat enough to prompt him suggesting we check out the rest of the museum before the film ended.

Conversation brought up a couple red flags

The first was when he asked me if I go to church. Granted, it was relevant to the exhibit we were looking at (a wartime chapel), but it still seemed a little out of the blue. I was disappointed. So he’s a religion nut, I thought, here’s the reason he’s on Match. I fumbled for words, then decided to go with the truth, “No. No, I don’t go to church.” He shrugged, “Yeah, I only go when I’m at my parents’.” Oh. Umm, ok. Maybe he was trying to see if I was a religion nut?

Then he asked me if I own a gun. “No, I don’t. Do you?” I asked him. “Not anymore. I used to have one, but I get night terrors every now and then – you know, panic attacks where you stop breathing and wake up gasping for air. So I gave my gun away.” “Wait, what? You gave your gun away?” “Well, yeah,” he said. “Umm, this is how guns get into the hands of people without licenses,” I said, practically poking him in the chest with my finger. “Oh, no, this was a coworker of mine who owns guns and is an enthusiast. We documented the transaction like a regular sale.” Oh. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about that, but we changed the subject. Also, who tells their date about their night terrors on the first date? That was a little odd.

His last serious relationship lasted 6 months, which he seemed to think was a long time. We were pretty candid with each other, which was good albeit a little odd. He asked me how long it had been since I’d been in a relationship. I said about 2 years. That’s about how long it had been for him, too, he told me. Then he proceeded to tell me about the dramatic breakup he had with his girlfriend, and how bad it had made him feel. He said they’d been together for a long time, so it was particularly tough on the girl. Then he said that by “a long time” he meant 6 months. Alright.

Most of the time the conversation was good

For the most part, we chatted easily with each other, and were pretty candid. He asked me about the other dates I’d been on, and I told him about the awkwardness of G, J, and M. He, in turn, told me about the girl he’d taken on two dates and then decided she was too clingy. He said when he told her on the second date that he wasn’t interested, she broke down and asked him to explain himself. It seemed like they’d talked on the phone a lot as well as online, and that she’d asked him if she could call him her boyfriend. That is definitely forcing things a little.

There was a good flirtatious vibe between us – we teased each other and joked easily, and he was a little touchy in ways that were cute and sweet and didn’t make me uncomfortable. For instance, his hands were very cold since a lot of the exhibits were outside, and we were just talking about something in the gift shop, when he just put his hands on either side of my face to show how cold they were. It was really cute. At the end of the date, I gave him a hug, and we went our separate ways.

The Verdict

Brusselsprouts passed round 1 with flying colors. He’s sweet, funny, easy to talk to and has his life on track. He knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it. A man after my own heart. Still a couple of questions that need to be answered, but we’re going on date 2 on Tuesday night, so we’ll see!

On a Scale of 1-10

Common Values: 8

Common Interests: 8

Sense of Humor: 8

Attraction: 7

Total: 31/40

Remaining Players

Gryffindor

Jimmm

Milwaukee

Brown Trout

Sailboat

Mr. Ordinary

JonnyBoy

Cars, Guns, and Horses

Brusselsprouts

Hapkido

PunkRock

Canada

Mr. Fun & Caring

Another Late Add

Readsalot – He was in the Peace Corps, loves his family, and loves the outdoors. He’s really into philosophy and reads. everything. He’s very tall and is wearing a bandana on his head in his profile picture on Match.

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Round 1: Wine bar with Milwaukee

I think I knew what M was looking for from the beginning. Which means this episode is entirely on me. *sigh* I need to get better at saying no to people. (I’m learning, really!)

He was one of the first people to email me, if not the very first. In his email he mentioned how beautiful he thought I was and that I must be “overwhelmed with suitors”. Alright.

I made the mistake of turning on IM capabilities

He IM’d me a few nights ago and started pelting me with questions. I was having issues with my computer and feeling a little defensive about my job (I work contract gigs so I don’t always have work), and this guy was just putting me off. I was so annoyed that I told him he was putting me off. I then tried to explain to him how to have a conversation. For some reason, he stuck around for a while, even though I was practically insulting him.

Mistake #2: I gave him my phone number

And the text messages and phone calls began. He called me after work the next day. Mistake #3: I answered. He started off the phone call with a “hey, how are you?” Well I’m just peachy, M, does this phone call have a purpose? Then he started rattling off the things he’d done that day like a good little husband to his good little wife.

The only way I could think to get him to stop talking was to suggest a date. Admittedly, this is not a great way to convey your lack of interest in someone, but it was a short term solution to a short term problem that threatened to go on and on and on and on.

So the date

We went to this lovely wine bar downtown that I’d never been to. I was running late, so I texted him to let him know. “A fine lady is worth waiting for” he texted back. Umm…alright.

I walked in and spotted him. He looked much older in person than he had in his picture. He also looked significantly chubbier. I’m trying not to be petty, but sexual attraction is a big part of a relationship for me. I’m not desperate, so I’m not going to settle for someone I’m not attracted to.

I sat down next to him and started a conversation. I can practically talk to a brick wall (because of my southern upbringing), so I didn’t have much trouble finding things to talk about.

He was a little twitchy

Milwaukee was clearly nervous, and he had this little tick where he’d roll his eyes to one side. He did this many times throughout the course of the evening. I pretended like I didn’t notice.

He bought me a glass of wine from the super hot bartender (why wasn’t I on a date with him!?) and we also had cheese and bruschetta. Also, the bartender pronounced it brusketa, the way it’s pronounced in Italian. I was impressed.

It would have been bad form to give my number to the bartender, so I didn’t. But I made a mental note to go back there and chat him up. No really, he was super cute. Totally my type. Unlike Milwaukee, who was an aging, slightly chubby, slightly stuck-up man with a complex about wines and an obsession with children and jumping on the fast-track to marriage. No thank you.

Also, he got tears in his eyes when he started talking about his dog he rescued. It wasn’t even a dramatic story.

Bathroom Text Message

At one point I got up to go to the bathroom. And I receive a text message while I’m in there. From Milwaukee, who is still sitting at the bar. The same bar whose facilities I am currently using.

The text message reads: “You’re beautiful”.

Umm, ok? Way to make me feel kind of uncomfortable. And kind of like a trophy wife. And I don’t mind compliments, but this guy had told me I’m beautiful in about 3 different emails and on IM AND via text AND NOW in a Bathroom Text Message. Now tell me that isn’t uncomfortable.

Then he starts talking about his weight

I don’t remember how this came up. I’m pretty sure he just launched into the subject at random. I tried to divert the conversation, but he plowed on. “I’m about 15 pounds heavier than my ideal weight.” He said to me, then continued, “But you know, it’s just so hard when you eat lunch at work and they just have this salad bar or a steamy hot hamburger and fries. And when you’re working hard, you just want that hamburger and those fries, you know?” I just nodded and waited for his tirade to subside.

It lasted way longer than it should have. Clearly his weight was a sensitive subject, and one he felt he needed to explain. He had, after all, written on his profile that he was training for a marathon and had run some in the past. That’s more than a little misleading.

Finally, the date ended

I’d had two glasses of wine and some delicious food. The conversation wasn’t bad, and I had enjoyed myself – or maybe I was just tipsy enough to overlook the awkward moments – like when he was coming out from the bathroom and ran a finger down my back as he walked to his seat. And I had to pretend like I wasn’t super uncomfortable.

But afterward, he tried to get me to go to another bar with him. I made up some excuse about an early morning yoga class (that’s what I used with Jimmm, too).

Going Home

He walked me to the parking deck where I parked my car (one of my rules is always park at least a few blocks away so that you can disappear without him seeing where you went if you need to). I gave him a hug, he tried to kiss me, I avoided his kiss and just hugged him again. Then I high-tailed it to my car and drove home.

The Verdict

This guy is looking for a serious relationship. In fact, he seems to want to be on the fast track to marriage and babyland. From the day I responded to him on Match, he contacted me on such a regular basis you’d think we’d been dating for ages already. This is a classic clinger case and I am SO not interested.

Round 1: J takes me to a great sushi restaurant downtown

he’s never had mochi ice cream.
– what self-respecting Japanophile has never had mochi ice cream!? Especially when you’ve actually been to Japan? He’s also never had Bubble Tea (*gasp*).

he’s never been to a fro-yo bar.
– what’s the deal with all these guys who have never been to fro-yo bars? Is this just a chic thing? Seriously, guys, get it together.

And we talked about his job…

I thought J had a “top secret” job that he couldn’t talk about. Which was kinda cool. No really, it was cool. Then we sit down to dinner and practically the first thing we talk about is his job. And, btw, his job is to basically track down and talk to high-profile persons without seeming suspicious. For someone who has to make conversation for a living, you’d think he’d be easier to talk to.

I almost went home after dinner

Then he invited me to this great bar that has a mini arcade inside. I love video games, so I was intrigued and agreed to walk a block away to this other bar for some arcade-style Tekken. Maybe even a little guitar hero.

He suggests pool

As you all know, I spent the afternoon playing pool with Gryffindor, so I was not super keen on playing again. But he told me that a couple weeks beforehand, he’d schooled some kids at a beach bar. Alright. Show me whatcha got.

He was one of the worst pool players I’ve ever encountered

He didn’t even know how to properly rack the balls. I mean really. And you call yourself a secret agent. Lies, all lies! And I would chalk it up to him using his special people-reading skills to decide to let me win, but then I realized that if he could read me well at all he’d know not to insult people who like to play video games (ie me). It just amazes me that they let people like him into the special forces in the military.

“Should I walk you to your car?”

He asked if he should walk me to my car. I had parked a few blocks away on purpose. I politely refused, hugged him and went on my way. See ya never, Jimmm.

Guys just beg to be rejected twice

I sent him a polite email saying that I thought he was a nice guy, but that I just didn’t feel a spark. He responded thusly:

“You where very attractive and I enjoyed talking to you. I was kind of feeling you out last night. If you would like to try another date or hang out, I would like to do that.”

Funny how some guys just can’t accept rejection however polite. So I sent him a second rejection note. He seemed to get it after that.

The Verdict

I found Jimmm to be somewhat attractive, though a little on the short side (my height or an inch or so shorter). But his jock side seems to have overwhelmed any other cool personality trait he might have developed. During one conversation, he informed me that one of his friends was a serious hippie, and that he respected him even though (his voice reduced to a whisper) he “thought he might be into dudes”. Dude. What does that have to do with the amount of respect you have for a person?

On a Scale of 1-10

Common Values: 2

Common Interests: 3

Sense of Humor: 4

Attraction: 6

Total: 15/40

Remaining Players

Gryffindor

Jimmm

Milwaukee

Brown Trout

Sailboat

Mr. Ordinary

JonnyBoy

Cars, Guns, and Horses

Brusselsprouts

Hapkido

PunkRock

Canada

Mr. Fun & Caring

Next up: Milwaukee on a fancy-schmancy wine date. We get to discover what he’s really looking for.

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Round 1: Gryffindor

The first round was a coffee and pool date with Gryffindor. For some reason, I was very nervous going to this date. Partly because it was the first date I’ve had from Match, secondly because I knew going in that I didn’t have a whole lot in common with this guy. I mean, over IM we talked about retro video games, which I can discuss for a little while, but it only gets me so far. I’m not a super gamer by any stretch of the imagination, and this guy’s Match username was his gamer handle, for chrissake.

I got to the coffee place almost exactly 5 minutes late. I texted G to let him know I was there. “Ok, I’m inside,” he texted back. I walked in to see him already sitting, coffee in hand. I waved and said hello, then walked up to the counter to buy a tea. He awkwardly followed me to the counter and stood slightly behind me without uttering a word. He looked a little red in the face.

“G” is not for Gentlemanly

When I went to grab my wallet out of my purse, I had a momentary panic because I couldn’t find it immediately. I remembered I’d bought something online the day before, and thought I may have left it on my desk. During my panicking, G did nothing to intervene. He didn’t even offer to pay for my $1.75 hot tea. Luckily, I found my wallet and paid.

I followed him over to the table where he’d been sitting earlier, and he made a move to sit, but before he could pull his chair back I said, “Hey, did you want to play some pool? We may as well since we’re here.” He seemed a little taken aback, but agreed. Come on, G, you can’t be worse than I am at pool!

He’s actually not a bad pool player

We headed to the billiards room, where we played three games of pool. G was nice enough to pay for all three games (a grand total of $3), but that was partly because I didn’t have any cash. We found enough things to chat about, but there was zero chemistry (at least on my side). He mentioned his obsession with Harry Potter and claimed that he was “the closest thing to an expert” on Star Wars. He and his friends are in an online guild together, and when he’s not gaming, he’s working at the local grocery store. It wasn’t clear if he’d been to college or not.

The Verdict

I don’t like to judge a man on his education or occupation (which is why I put “no preference” under both options on Match), but G just didn’t seem to have much direction in life. He’s 25 and (I found out later) hasn’t finished his degree yet, is working at a grocery store and still living in the same town he grew up in. We didn’t really seem to be on the same page.

On a scale of 1-10

Common Values: 6

Common Interests: 5

Sense of Humor: 8

Attraction: 3

Total: 22/40

Remaining Players

Gryffindor

Jimmm

Milwaukee

Brown Trout

Sailboat

Mr. Ordinary

JonnyBoy

Cars, Guns, and Horses

Brusselsprouts

Hapkido

PunkRock

Canada

Wildcard Add

Mr. Fun & Caring – He lives in a town 2 hours away, but he’s funny, cute, and skeptical of online dating. He sent me a funny video of a corgi barrel rolling down some stairs. Might be a winner.

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I am full of ridiculous.

No really, I’m full of it. Way back many months ago, I met saw this guy at a film festival, and I had a premonition. Hold that thought, let me back up. Prepare yourself for a ridiculous question.

Have any of you read Eat, Pray, Love? Do you remember that scene where she is sobbing in her bathroom and decides to ask God what she should do? And then she hears a voice that tells her calmly and with certainty, “Go back to bed”?

Minus all of the sobbing and drama, a similar thing happened to me.

I was sitting in a coffee shop working on my computer, trying to decide if I was going to attend the film festival, which was several hours away. I would have to leave that day. Eventually, I decided that since I hardly knew anyone there, I’d stay home. But right as I began to settle in to spend the rest of the day on my computer at the cafe, I heard a voice in my head. “Go to the festival,” it said. It sounded so clear and so certain, that upon hearing it, I immediately shut down my computer, put it away and went home to pack.

A few days later, it happened again

I was sitting with some friends in the theater at the festival. We had just finished watching a short film. At the end of it, there was a Q&A with some of the people involved. As they walked to the front, one man caught my eye. “Holy shit that’s him” the voice, my voice, said in my mind (my holy spirit is kind of profane), and I knew at that moment with absolute certainty that that was the man I was meant to be with.

The strangest thing about it is that he had starred in the film, and while I was watching it, I’d felt no particular attraction to him, no jolt, no nothing. It was only when I saw him in person that I had that reaction.

I told you I am full of ridiculous

After the event let out, I calmed myself down and began to think more rationally. I walked right by him for a better look and decided I was mistaken. I didn’t think about him again until I was working on a film set with him a month or two later.

Awkwardness ensues

As I’m sure you can imagine, I let my awkwardness get the best of me and generally avoided him the entire shoot, though I found I enjoyed being around him. I felt like there was some weirdness between us, but likely it was just because of my inability to act like a normal human.

A few months later, I was working on another film, got in a bind and asked for his help, which he granted willingly, going so far as to get other people involved with the project, too (I forgot to mention that he is the most giving person I have ever met). A month or so after the film wrapped, I sent him a thank you card. Suddenly, my (real) website gets a ton of hits from a very particular search term, and then he sends me a tweet signed XOXO.

I love to over-analyze

So I called my friend J. And as I told her the story and heard the words come out of my mouth, I realized with abject clarity exactly how ridiculous I sounded, and I could practically hear J raising her eyebrows. “I think you need to not think too much into it,” she said, and that was that. Done-zo. She could have just as easily said, “Stop being such a superstitious paranoid flake and focus on somebody who exists,” and it would have gotten the same message across. I am full of ridiculous, and sometimes it just takes somebody to tell me that before I realize it myself.