Every heist team needs a leader, a fast-talker, a techie, a chameleon, a weaponry guru, and a getaway driver. That’s what the The Fast and the Furious franchise taught me, and The Fast and the Furious doesn’t lie. It also taught me that a gang of career criminals form their own sort of family, a group of people you can trust to have your back when you’re surrounded by coppers and the only weapon at your disposal is one of those rubber bands shaped like a palm tree.

These are not those people.

Worst Techie: Ichabod Crane, Sleepy Hollow
This one’s easy. Being a Revolutionary War soldier will tend to make one bad at modern inventions like bottled water and skinny jeans. Ichabod cracking a safe? Forget it. Now, if he brought Jenny Mills along…

Worst Getaway Driver: Donna Meagle, Parks and Recreation
A getaway driver must be alert at all times, ready to step on the gas if a job goes wrong and a quick escape is needed. Kind of hard to do when you’re livetweeting everything. Runner up: The Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey, assuming you could get her to venture to the bank in the first place. So crass.

Worst Weaponry Guru: Annie Edison, Community
Sure, Annie has enthusiasm for weaponry. But her track record regarding its use… not so hot. Someone’s gonna get shot if Crazy Annie’s on your team, and it probably won’t be someone you intended to get shot.

Worst Fast-Talker: Will Graham, Hannibal
Yeeeeah, Will’s not the best at… people. He’d stare awkwardly at the cop he’s meant to be distracting (no direct eye contact, of course) before freaking out and trying to steal his dog. Hannibal would do a better job; he’s good with words and has a soothing presence, both of which have proven their worth at getting him out of sticky situations many times before. As long as no one picks up on his many veiled references to the the fact that he’s a bank robber, you’d be golden.

Worst Chameleon: Shoshanna Shapiro, Girls
Like Annie, Shosh would get into her role, but she’d prove woefully unsuited for it. You’re going undercover as a cleaning lady. Ditch the designer clothes and doughnut hair.