Thursday, March 8, 2007

Swallow Or It's Going In Your Eye

Welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile. I am your host, Jason Peverett, Disney's worst bowler. Last Sunday was the Disney Bowl-A-Thon and in the three games I bowled, the highest score I got was 58. Yeah, I sucked. So, it's the 74th anniversary of the movie King Kong. It’s a story about a woman who becomes involved with creature from another species. And that wouldn’t happen again until Maria Shriver met Arnold Schwarzenegger. Guess what’s back in New York City? Beavers. Beavers back in New York City. It’s an infestation of beavers. It’s so bad, they’re thinking about bringing in Dick Cheney. Apparently, the beavers didn’t just get here. They’ve been here quite a while. One has been living for years on the head of Donald Trump. Paris Hilton’s in trouble. Paris Hilton violated her parole, and as a result she could get three months in prison. When asked about it, Paris said she’s hoping to get off . . . and she’s also hoping to avoid prison. The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said "we had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.” Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will replace the old customer classifications: teeth, or no teeth. Angelina Jolie announced she is now adopting a Vietnamese baby. When reached for comment, Jolie said, "Only three more countries to go.” Hugh Hefner is getting married. Hugh Hefner is 80 years old, and his bride to be is 27-year-old Holly Madison. Look at it this way: He’s got everything a girl could want; he’s rich, and he’s famous, and he’s nearly dead. Sen. John McCain announced right here on this program that he’s running for president. Then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab. Hillary Clinton’s campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than $1 million on the Internet. McDonald’s is trying to compete with Starbuck’s, so they’re going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald’s say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut McRib. According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman’s chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman’s chances of looking pregnant.

BROKEN

The sign is clearly prohibiting doing something in the bathroom, but what is it?

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

You didn't get the part, Scott Baio. Accept it!

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: How did the electrician lose all the power in his home? A: He got married.

According to a new book, 50 women were asked what they'd do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most said, "Probably get a salary increase."

Q: What is the definition of wicker box? A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Britney Spears.

Did you hear the one about the girl who was extremely skinny? She had to tease her hair just to keep her pants up.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.

REJECTED MOVIE TAGLINES

Seabiscuit: In Association With Elmer's

REJECTED COMMERCIAL SLOGANS

Zirconia: "Two months salery, my ass."

TODAY IN HISTORY

1968: A Soviet submarine sinks in the Pacific Ocean, killing all 97 crewmembers aboard. Later in the year a U.S. submarine secretly retrieves an encryption machine, codebooks, and nuclear warheads from the Soviet vessel. A further bold attempt is made in 1974 to bring up the entire submarine using the CIA ship Glomar Explorer, built by Howard Hughes. That mission supposedly fails, and is made public by the Los Angeles Times to the great embarrassment of the Agency. 1973: Paul McCartney is fined 100 UKP for growing marijuana at his farm on the Mull of Kintyre. 1997: Chad Lamansky and Daniel Myers, a pair of teenagers in Davis County, Iowa, slip into an animal shelter at night and beat 16 cats to death with a baseball bat. A jury later determined that the cats had a value less than $30 each, ruling out the possibility of a felony conviction. 1998: In Ladson, South Carolina, Daniel Rudolph -- brother of Olympic Games bombing and abortion clinic bombing suspect Eric Rudolph (a fugitive) -- videotapes himself severing his own hand with a power saw in order to "send a message to the FBI and the media". Mmmm, inbreeding? 1999: Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS

The Goo-Goo Dolls had two #1 songs on their 1998 album 'Dizzy up the Girl' when they payed a call on Elmo’s World, adapting the lyrics for "Slide" to the child-like muppet. (”Elmo whisper in my ear. I really want to hear / The things you did today / that satisfied you…”) Inspired by their rock star cool, Elmo imagines himself in sunglasses and a black leather jacket — and bobs innocently in time to their catchy alterna-pop.What’s surprising is how well it works. The song’s original cryptic lyrics finally make sense, and the tune’s uplifting melody complements their message of self esteem. (”Let those good thoughts fill your head. You are furry proud and red…”) Of course, probably the last thing Elmo needs is more people stroking his ego. His top-muppet status has already introduced him to an impressive string of celebrity A-listers, from Robert Dinero to the governor of Arkansas, and even Norah Jones dropped by to sing a torch song to the letter of the day. (Y.) In 2004 Elmo topped it all off with a cameo on the 'West Wing'. When it comes to raw popularity, he’s the king. Or as the Goo-Goo Dolls put it: “Elmo. No one can touch him…”

HEROES

"Company Man" last week gave us many dimensions of one character. This week's awesomeness gives us many events snowballing throughout the 'Heroes' universe. New characters, new secrets about old characters, and in anticipation of a month-plus hiatus, some tantalizing cliffhangers. If this episode had been a football game, then I would say it was remarkable for its extraordinary number of turnovers. Time after time, when one character thinks he or she has the drop on another -- surprise! It isn't so. I'll get the Niki/Jessica stuff out of the way first. Niki manages to gain a modicum of control of her body back from Jessica. First she leaves the photo of Nathan -- Jessica's next intended target -- on D.L.'s pillow as some kind of warning. Hm. A written note might have helped: "Dear D.L.: My evil dead twin has taken over my body. She has a gun in her bag and is planning to kill this politician. (See photo, attached.) Take steps to ... " etc. But nah, and D.L. thinks Jessica is being paid to "entertain" Nathan or something, so he just warns her to just watch her step from now on. Later, Niki breaks through again. She's too late to save the FBI agents, but just in time to warn Nathan himself about Linderman's plot. Speaking of Nathan, the flying politician's fingers are in many a pie this week. Before heading to Vegas, he drops a dime on Isaac attempting to handle the tragic events at the Artist's loft and help Peter. Agents of the paper company intercept that call, naturally. When Nathan gets to Vegas he encounters Hiro, and helps him past Linderman's gate-keeping goons. "When I first met you," Nathan tells Hiro, "I thought you were crazy." "That's okay," says Hiro, "I thought you were mean." Like Hiro, we have been given the idea lately that, yeah, underneath his power-craving exterior, Nathan really is one of the good guys. It looks even more like that is the case tonight, for awhile anyway. Nathan is revealed to be an FBI informant, working to take down his "father's good friend" Mr. Linderman all along. But there's more. Nathan confronts Linderman with the intention of killing him. Linderman's not especially surprised by this wrinkle. It would probably take quite a lot to surprise Mr. Linderman. Not only does he know about Nathan's ability to fly, and Peter's and Claire's abilities, he also has a pretty good grasp of future events from his collection of Mendez paintings and possibly other sources. Or, maybe I should say, possible future events. Without going into details, Linderman reveals a plan for fast-tracking Nathan to within "a heart beat of the Presidency," in two years: "a life of meaning" but not happiness. That gets Nathan's attention, and he lowers his weapon. Among many other roles in his distinguished career, Malcolm McDowell has in latter years played Ari Gold's antagonizer and James T. Kirk's killer. In his initial Linderman outing, he plays it clever, cool, calculating, charming, and sardonic. Just the traits I like to see in a decent megalomaniac. Nathan either intends to align himself with Mr. Linderman, or to just play along to see what happens. It's too early too tell. But if Linderman had really wanted Nathan dead, where would that leave his plan for placing Nathan in the White House? Maybe Linderman knew the outcome of sending Jessica after Nathan in the first place. Or maybe he has detailed plans to achieve his goals under many different scenarios. Soon we will head back to the future alongside Hiro. But first, Ando, it turns out, was not that easy to get rid of. He surfaces disguised as one of Linderman's security guards after Hiro finds the sword and the curator sounds the alarm. Ando infiltrating the highly-paranoid Linderman security force may not be the most believable twist we've seen, but I'm so happy that Ando is back that I'm not going to dwell on it. Anyway, Hiro uses his powers to transport Ando and himself to safety. Okay, maybe not to safety per se, as they end up on the roof of the Deveaux building -- post nuclear disaster. Hiro immediately interprets this to mean that he will fail to stop the bomb. However, it could be only one of many possible futures. One interesting thing about the skyline is that there is construction going on amid the Manhattan ruins. It looks like at least three new skyscrapers are being built. This might just be normal rebuilding the could occur after any disaster, but the significance of including this particular detail, along with hearing Linderman's intended future for Nathan, makes me wonder if the nuclear disaster is part of a plan by someone (Linderman? Nakamura?) to take over the world, a plan which also entails rebuilding a new city, a sort of Lindermanopolis if you will, from the ashes of NYC. How about that Candice? I hated her from the moment she patted a strapped-down Matt Parkman on the head. Like many a metamorph before her, she's obnoxious as hell. I guess that's what comes from being able to take on anyone's form. (Update: Most commentators state that Candice is an illusionist, not a shape-shifter. This makes sense as the entire background shimmers and changes when she comes out of an illusion -- not just her body. She's still an a-hole though.) Too bad it didn't occur to HRG after he discovered what Candace's power that he wouldn't be able to trust another living soul as long as she's around. This brought about one of the saddest reversals of the episode. HRG feels the relief of finally being able to talk openly with his wife about his secret life. Back from his New York mission, he tells "her" the company "has to be stopped -- for good" in order to ensure Claire's safety once and for all. Just like that, his plan, which were necessarily concocted in a hurry last episode, is uncovered by these much more sinister agents of the company: Candice and the boss, Eric Roberts' character. Claire pulls a fast one on the Haitian at a New York airport, and seems to escapes him. She wants to stay in the city and look for Peter. Earlier, she kept asking the Haitian to tell her when she could see her family again. I don't understand that. After what she witnessed last week, how can she hold out the hope that this is an option? It's easy to forget sometimes that she's really a kid, and I guess this is a reminder. Claire goes to the Petrelli family home. Nathan and Peter's mother turns out to be yet another character who knows more than she has let on, and has been working behind the scenes since forever. I was pretty blown away by this one. I never suspected her of being anything but a minor character placed there to make Peter feel like an ineffectual younger son. But no, Claire has a new French-speaking grandma who reveals herself as an ally of the Haitian and part of some greater scheme. Mohinder shines for a moment when he, having discovered Sylar's true identity, tricks and drugs the serial killer. That moment, and the tuning-fork torture, almost make up for his extended naivety lately, chumming around with Sylar of all people. But, poor Mohinder has severely overestimated his ability to control Sylar. That is difficult to understand given Mohinder's knowledge that Sylar has absorbed a large number of abilities. Mohinder really should have taken the sample he needed and killed Sylar immediately after the drugged tea took effect. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20. Contrary to spoilers I've read, no one actually dies in this episode. I'm not saying Peter or Mohinder won't die, say ... oh, five seconds into Chapter Nineteen. Mohinder is pinned to the ceiling, but still breathing. Peter is having his skull opened. The healing ability Peter absorbed from Claire might yet kick in as it did when Claude chucked him off the Deveaux building. Isaac's new paintings might sorta show Mohinder and Peter de-skulled Sylar-style. But who knows with those paintings. By the way, concerning previews and clips that will surely appear between now and late April: as it was with "Simone" this time, any character that is shown alivewhen they should be dead might actually be Candice. I'm just saying ...

DAD

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3:This extended clipincludes a wicked aerial fight scene between Peter Parker and Harry Osborn. Hey, if the fight scenes all look this great, they can put 'em all online and I'll still pay the 10 bucks when it gets to theaters.

TMNT: Leonardo and crew battle nasty lookin' aliens in two new TV spots. This is the action-filled one; this is the dull one.

Black Sheep: Tired of zombie movies? OK, I'm not either, but this one in which the living dead are replaced by mutant, flesh-eating sheep looks like a shear delight.

Alien Vs. Predator 2: Too bad there are no shots of either aliens or predators from the sequel in this mini-featurette, but listening to the nerdy directors chat their film up is a real hoot.

Terminator 4: Ahnuld is contracted to make at least a cameo in the upcoming sequel. I can say that hearing him deliver "I'll be back" at every big political speech as Governator, he does finally have that line down pat.

Okay, then, that's it for another entry of the Peverett Phile. Check out the Phile's webshots page and the Phile's Myspace page, and the Phile here at AOL Journals next week for another entry. I am still wanting to hit 2000 views by Summer, so spread the word, not the turd.