Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Right where I am: 10 months, 25 days.

It has been almost 11 months since we held our precious miracle boy for the first time! Actually we didn't get to hold Jacob in our arms the first day but, he was showered with kisses and I got to hold his hands, touch him and just look in awe at our beautiful boy. My amazing son that I had the joy of watching so closely on ultrasound after ultrasound as we endured the pain of amnio's and fetal surgery. Such a joy to see his perfectly plump little cheeks, feel his soft baby skin and thank God that he had made it out of the delivery room.

I could still feel his hand in mine when I closed my eyes after he went to Heaven. I can't feel his hand in mine anymore when I close my eyes and I would love to...just one more time!

A year ago today Jacob and I where trying to get through day 19 in the hospital praying that he would grow and that we would make it to 34 weeks. I was taking it day by day and praying that our little boy would be able to grow big enough to be eligible for dialysis and this his amniotic deprieved lungs would work enough to sustain life. A year later I wish I was back in that hospital bed with a little hope that our boy would defeat all odds and we could bring him home!
These days I find myself in a fog. I'd like to go hide. I don't have the energy or desire to get things done. This journey is overwhelming at times. We are hitting our first anniversary dates and it just doesn't seem right that Jacob is not with us. I dreamed of him, I knew he would be a boy long before the doctors ever confirmed it. This year we will celebrate his first birthday with him watching just out of our reach with a birthday cake that he will never taste or smear all over his face. Oh how I wish that I could watch him make a mess of his cake!
When I first arrived home from the hospital after holding Jacob for the last time and kissing his precious face goodbye I went quickly into Mom mode. I was so worried about our 3 year old daughter, Grace. I knew that just like us she had wished and dreamed of the day that she would be a big sister. (In December of 2009 she asked Santa for a baby brother.) She was confused on why Momma had stayed in the hospital for 8 weeks to help baby Jacob but, he didn't get better. I wanted with all my heart to help her understand and to let her know that not all babies go to Heaven. I couldn't fix Jacob and make him better but, I would try my hardest to help his Amazing Big Sister find her way through this even if I didn't understand how I was going to get through it. So, in the beginning I believe I pushed myself to make sure that she was okay.
I vowed to be patient with myself from the start. We had traveled this journey publicly and I would travel this grief journey publicly as well. I'm not used to wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm really good at sweeping the tough stuff under the rug and journeying on as if everything is just fine. Missing Jacob I wanted to make sure that I let my heart heal.
The reality is that everything is not fine. We will never be the same people that we where before this journey. I miss Jacob every single day! I'd love to hold him just one more time! These days I'm numb and overwhelmed with my grief. As I said earlier I just feel like I should be in the hospital holding on to a thread of hope that he would make it. I wish that no one had to travel this path! I'm overwhelmed with tears!

I'm not a shy person but find myself anxious to meet new people for the dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" or "How many children do you have?" I will mention my Angel Jacob because I do have 2 children. Grace does amazing with this question... "I have a baby brother but he's in Heaven" We talk about Jacob all the time in our house. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that Grace is doing amazing.

I know that God has a special plan for our journey. I pray that I am able to help others in there journey. My special purpose for being Jacob's Momma? Maybe. I'm still trying to work this all out. Answers I may never find on this earth but, I can't wait to see what God's doing with all this.