Four Keys to a Successful Marriage, Part 1: Respect

I was once engaged to a woman with whom I was madly in love. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Her voice was like honey to me, and just her name was a magical incantation.

The thought that she could love me in return – and she said she did – had me walking on the clouds. The first few months were among the happiest of my life.

But then things turned sour. She became short-tempered with me, sometimes sarcastic, and often critical. She still claimed to love me, but the bad times outnumbered the good. My daughter was three years old at the time, and at times the woman was annoyed with my child and even angry. That was the last straw for me. I still loved this woman madly, but I ended the relationship for the sake of my own self-respect, and for my daughter.

My point? “True love,” is NOT the foundation of a healthy relationship. That heady, intoxicating sense of romantic love is amazing and can fill you with happiness, but it’s not sustainable, and even if it can be maintained it’s not enough.

So what does a successful marriage require? Four things:

respect, kindness, honesty and communication

1. Respect

Without mutual respect, all is lost. A marriage cannot survive if one or both of the partners curse each other or abuse each other in any way. Ways in which you can treat your husband or wife with respect include:

Greet them kindly, show interest in their well being, ask about their day.

Never compare them to anyone else.

Notice the good things they do for you, and thank them for their contribution.

Always be faithful. This doesn’t only mean not cheating on them, it means to be on their side, to support them through hard times, and to stick with them through thick and thin.

Similarly, never demean or criticize your spouse in front of others. Do not gossip about them, mock them or put them down in public, ever.

Keep your promises.

Consider your spouse’s happiness to be equal to your own (not more important than your own, but equal). Strive to make them happy.

Always consult with your spouse before making important life decision that may affect both of you.

Listen to your spouse’s opinions. You may not always agree and you don’t have to, but be courteous and listen with an open heart. Genuinely try to understand what your spouse is feeling.

When it comes to romance, attend to your spouse’s needs as well as your own. If your spouse is not in the mood at that moment, respect that and do not push. On the other hand, try to be attentive to your spouse’s romantic signals. If you can meet their need without discomfort, do so.

A last word about respect: of course both partners should respect each other, but it is especially important for a wife to treat her husband with respect. I say this because women and men are different. Most women want to be loved, protected, cherished, and included in the man’s inner life. Men, on the other hand, need to be respected. A woman might love a man passionately, but if she doesn’t treat him with respect he will not be happy and the relationship will not last.