You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns when it can manage to in these troubled Trumpian times. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.

May 29th

Hey, you know that thing? That thing everyone’s talking about Yeah, that thing. Well, guess what? I’m part of everyone, and I’m getting in on this action, dammit. And also two other bits of action. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“She is a comedian,” she said. “She does have a very wicked, twisted sense of humor. Everybody knows her to be a little raunchy and a little rough.” - Unfrozen Caveman Republican Strategist Noelle Nikpour, on Fox News.

Nikpour is, of course, referring to Roseanne Barr, who lost her rebooted show yesterday for deciding to call former Obama aide Valerie Jarrett what happens when “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby”. Quick sidebar. At this point, so many people have gotten in so much professional trouble for comparing black people to monkeys that if you do it, you either don’t care that you’re being racist or you simply can’t stop yourself. The rest of us manage to go decades and decades, possibly our entire lives, without doing that, even when we’ve been acculturated to racism.

Anyway, the Roseanne Barr that Nikpour was referring to is 1990 Roseanne Barr, not 2018 Roseanne Bar. 1990 Roseanne Barr was a little raunchy and a little rough and Nikpour’s forebears didn’t like it one fucking bit when she applied that raunch and roughness to the National Anthem. The Roseanne Barr of today is a rabid conspiracy theorist, racist, anti-Semite, and possibly suffers from mental illness. Also, she didn’t lose her show because of a “wicked, twisted” joke. She lost it by finally becoming more trouble than a top-rated TV show reboot is worth. That’s not easy to do, as evidenced by how long she got away with being who she was without ABC giving a shit.

“We're looking at June 12th in Singapore. That hasn't changed.” - Donald Trump, referring to the North Korea Summit HE FUCKING CANCELLED.

HE CANCELLED IT AND THEN HE SAID IT’S STILL HAPPENING! THERE WAS A LETTER AND EVERYTHING! AND WE’RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH THAT. Mo. Ther. Fu. Cker.

The same thing is happening with the trade war, by the way. It’s on and off and on and off and on again depending on who the last person working with Grandpa on his will was. Maybe having a system where things get to be whatever an addled asshole says it is was a bad idea?

“It’s available on the shelf when you walk in the grocery store. Yeah, you have to reach up to get it, but there’s pornography there. All of this is available without parental guidance. I think that is a big part of the root cause.” - Tennessee representative and gubernatorial candidate Diane Black, explaining why school shootings happen.

Diane Black doesn’t know what pornography is, what a grocery store is, or, most likely (given that she wants to run The Dumbest State In The Union), both. Look, I’m a reasonably tall guy. There’s never been a shelf in a grocery store I haven’t been able to see or reach. And not once have I spotted pornography. The closest I’ve seen to obscenity is a Blu-Ray copy of “Over The Hedge 2” sitting in a rack on top of the drink cooler near the registers.

And even if, somehow, in Tennessee, the supermarkets put porn up high on the top shelf for people to reach up to, may I remind you that it’s 2018, even in Tennessee? And they have the Internet, even in Tennessee? And so even if the free access to porn were somehow causing angry white boys to murder their classmates, the angry white boys wouldn’t be getting it at the fucking supermarket. But hey, Tennessee, let a complete moron run your state. What’s the worst that could happen?