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Apathy: Better than Caring

Flipping through the pages of the opinion section, sipping my ice-cold Peach Pleasure Jamba Juice (is it just me or does that name insinuate a little more than just a fantastic fruity delight?), I came to the conclusion, upon reaching the ‘Antics’ page, that I was now thoroughly depressed. Who wants to wake up in the morning, hop into the car, do the sprinkler to Beenie Man’s ‘King of the Dancehall’ while reveling in the awkward stares thrown by men and women in their very best business attire, get to school and grab the New University only to be bombarded by headlines in bold black staring you down declaring: ‘Bush Ignoring Critics,’ ‘Bush’s Curtailing of Civil Liberties Unjust’ or my favorite from a couple weeks ago, ”24′ Fosters Racism’? Can’t I even do my morning shimmy to The Ark’s ‘One of Us Is Gonna Die Young’ before being inundated by people complaining about the state of the world?
‘It is a truth universally acknowledged’ (yes I did ever-so-slyly steal this line) that college students are hard-working, law-abiding, drug-free, alcohol-free and, above all, sex-free citizens of this transient world we somehow radically found ourselves on.
So why is it, then, that we must have such heinous and depressing headlines shoved into our faces every morning, written and perfected by our very own fellow students? Does anybody else feel betrayed?
In my opinion, because evidently that’s what you’re reading this article for, the opinion section of the New University should no longer contain stories of distasteful, negative and unappealing current events such as the war (blah blah blah), Mrs. Clinton’s ‘slim’ chances of election, discriminating remarks towards Barack Obama by FOX, the possibility of war with Iran and all the other irrelevant junk that just simply does not pertain to us busy folk. Instead, it should include stories on how to perfect a pot roast (in your opinion, of course) or how to create your own ‘peach pleasure’ (smoothie that is) or what you think the best way and location to go ice-blocking is. Perhaps some of us female writers can even go so far as to debate the practicality of combining Uggs and skirts.
My argument, thus, lies in the realm of apathy. Not only do I promote political apathy, but I full-heartedly challenge every single one of you to try it out some time. Yes, I know it’s a difficult and mind-bending challenge due to the fact that you’re constantly studying and reading, playing innocent games such as ‘Sponge Box Square Pants… The Movie!’ on your X-Box, devotedly wearing a chastity belt (for you girls), and a chastity cock cage (for you guys) and eating your non-drug-laced brownies baked fresh from granny’s oven (I know I do!) but at the very least, try it out. Have faith in apathy!
Although I know it might be difficult at first, and I know there are some of you out there who argue that ‘the greatest threat to freedom is apathy,’ and that the ‘rise of the religious right’ is due to this very cause I’m sitting here in my pajamas promoting, just imagine how much we’d get accomplished! Idle hands and idle minds will be the solution to the so-called ‘problems’ of the 21st century. The war will work itself out and our government will provide us with the very best. Racism, I believe, will also eventually slither away. Inevitably, one race will kill all the others and the fun part will be to just wait and see who wins! Women, us women, always asking for more. Isn’t it enough that Nancy Pelosi’s up there in the House? Why fight for more?
In any case, a social conscience is unnecessary in this relatively peaceful and carefree period. We shouldn’t be spending our time as college students worrying about irrelevant events that have absolutely nothing to do with us. I say, as long as we’re healthy and happy, we should just sit back, relax and enjoy the so-called ‘best years of our lives.’ Let’s all raise a glass to that!

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