Friday, September 19, 2014

Yesterday I was in the car and was thinking about Melissa…that it had been a long time since I heard Viva La Vida, the song she sends me. Can't even remember the last time I heard it.

She took care of it today.

It was a beautiful, brisk morning. Not a cloud in the sky. Decided to take my four mile walk. Put my headphones on as I walked out the gate from the backyard and the DJ said "we play everything. Right now, we have Viva La Vida by Cold Play…"

She heard me.

Whenever I hear it, it makes me smile, but it also makes me sad. This time was no different, except that after the song was over, I heard her. She was talking to me. We were having a conversation.
One thing she said was "Mom, all those hearts you see - they're from me. I'm going to send you a BIG HEART today".

I asked her if she knew Carrie (Roxy's daughter) or Courtney (Mange and Mary's daughter) and she said she was with BOTH of them. She also said "I'm happy. John should be happy too". I guess the only way to explain this conversation was like it was coming through headphones. Or telepathy. I could hear her say "MOM".

This conversation went on for the first half of the walk. She sends me hearts a lot. The first time was when we were at Grand Turk two summers ago. I was in the water at the beach and stepped on a rock. I picked it up with my toes to look at it - it was white and had an indentation on it that was heart shaped. I kept it - it's at her grave now. Since then, I have found other heart shaped rocks - but I have also seen heart shaped clouds - heart shaped spots on the ground, heart shaped leaves. I know it sounds crazy, but every time I see one, I think of Melissa and I know she is sending it to me - so I think of her. So today was no different - I saw several heart shaped things - and every time she would say - "No mom. That's not it". As I was walking through Delco Park, a song came on that started with these words "Are you feeling better? Do you feel the same?" I felt like she was talking to me through the song…I shook my head "YES" and "Do I feel the same …. "YES" I'm still sad, even though talking to her I felt better.

About ten minutes later on the walk, the song "Fat Bottomed Girls" came on - and I smiled and thought of Melissa…because if we were together she would say "so you think that's me, don't you mom?"…and again she was talking to me…"MOM. Why are you thinking of me when this song comes on?" and she laughed. I could hear her laugh.

It was a WONDERFUL walk today. And all the while I was looking for the BIG HEART she was sending me. I thought maybe it would be a cloud. But the sky was near cloudless today.

We picked up the boys and met Nick for pizza before the game. No heart yet.

At the game, I kept looking - still a pretty, cloudless sky. WHERE was this heart going to be. Was this conversation I had not real? It sure felt real. I could HEAR her voice. I could hear her laugh. I could feel her smile.

Fairmont won tonight - their second win. It was a good night, but still no heart…we were talking to Jack Meyers on the way out. Jack is my dad's age and is still working -neat guy. We were laughing at a story he was telling and I happened to glance to the right…and there it was. My heart.
My BIG HEART. She came through. Call it serendipity…call it a coincidence. But I call it a sign. And a sign that she PROMISED me.

Call me crazy, I don't care. She is with me every day…and today I talked to her. And she talked back. A real conversation. Something I have missed with her for almost six years.

Thank you Melissa. You made me smile today. I just wish I could wrap my arms around you…

Friday, September 12, 2014

I was just browsing on Facebook and came across a poster that said "As I sit here and whisper "I miss you" I believe somehow you can still here me. Then it said "Read this two ways: 1. From you to your loved one. 2. From your loved one to you.

This is the puzzle

It sits behind our corner cupboard. Has for a long time. We bought it for the boys three or four years ago for Christmas. All the pieces are missing. Behind each piece is a small speaker that makes the sound of the animal. It is motion activated. Ever since we lost the pieces (3 or 4 years ago) it goes off random times…like whenever we are talking to Melissa or talking ABOUT Melissa. Or one of her friends calls on the phone. Whenever we NEED to hear from her.

When Melissa passed away, my sister Sue loaned us something Melissa made for her - A poster of the Maya Angelou poem "The Phenomenal Woman". We put it out at Melissa's funeral. When Sue turned 50 (after Melissa passed away), we still had it. I decided to wrap up the poster and give it back to her. It was hers. From Melissa. As I was writing in Sue's card "I know Melissa would want you to have this back" The puzzle went off.

It happens all the time. So today, when I was sitting here browsing and found the poster…

Followers

About Me

I changed the look again. Moving furniture takes too much effort. This seemed to fill that void. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fall and havent decided if Ill ever change this, although, a new seasonal header seems like fun. At the moment the summer is winding down, Im back on chemo for my fantastic THIRD relapse (and hopefully the last!), work knows my situation so Im not sneaking off on my lunch break to get blood work done, and everyones been great. Desperately seeking great health by the time fall rolls around. Theres way too much goin on.