It Started As A Fairy Tale

by Sonia
(Pakistan)

I have been with a guy for 3 years. He has been loving and kind and understanding. He wants to marry me and talk to my parents too. But he gets mad at the tiniest things.

He is extremely possessive, I'm not allowed to talk to guys or hang out with them. I'm not even allowed to talk to his guy friends. I am fine with all that because I love him and I can't live without him. But when he gets mad it's really scary.

He screams, gets mad at my past relationships, and if something goes wrong in my family he blames me for it. When he's in a good mood he's amazing. I love him a lot. I want to marry.

He has never hit me but he screams at me when he's mad or if I do something he doesn't like. He's grabbed me by the arm and pushed me away when he's angry but I still love him because with every flaw he has he has made me a better person.

He does get emotionally abusive when angry. But he has helped me through a very rough phase in my life. We want to get married in one year.

Can my love and patience change him? Can I do something to change his anger issues? I can't talk to my family or friends about it, I just need help. Sometimes I feel so alone because I can't tell him all these things about him. I need help.

Comments for It Started As A Fairy Tale

Hi Sonia - Thanks for your story. Unfortunately, it's a familiar one. In the fairy tale mode, it would go like this...

"Girl meets boy, and he's her prince, her dream come true. Then one day she wakes up to a nightmare...the prince has turned into a monster. She is so enchanted with the prince, she's willing to take the abuse of the monster, constantly hoping for the prince to return.

Well, the prince does return, allowing the girl to keep hoping and dreaming that one day her prince will be there all of the time, and the monster will go away forever. That day never comes...

Over time, the monster is around more and more, and the prince becomes weak and less available. Yet, in desperate desire to save her prince, the girl holds on to her dream, and gets more and more beaten down by the monster."

The reason I paint such a bleak picture for you Sonia, is that this is not just a story...it's a syndrome among women. You are a perfect fit for the "battered woman syndrome," and unless you take action now, you will be a part of a very sad ending to your story.

The question is not whether he will get better or not...the question is, when are you going to start taking care of yourself? What I mean by that is, when are you going to demand respect in all of your relationships? Without respect, there is no love, I assure you. And your partner is not treating you with respect.

And, as far as your guy is concerned, as you describe him here, he is a classic abuser. No amount of kindness, love and sweetness when the monster is gone is enough. The only hope for him is 1) for him to admit he has a serious problem, and 2) for him to commit to several years of intensive therapy to recover. Most abusers simply don't do that, unfortunately. The story that lies ahead for him is not good either...but you don't have to be a part of it.

Read about the battered woman syndrome here, and what to do about it. Follow all of those recommendations...and make up your mind that you will only be in a relationship where you are treated with respect 100% of the time.