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Who Needs Sleep, Anyway?

Sleep much? No? Me either. Chances are if you have two or more
children at least one of them isn't a good sleeper. I
know parents who have one child and that child is a dreamboat
sleeper. And then they have another baby and that kid is also a
dreamboat sleeper. However, I know very few moms with more than
two kids who have all dreamboat sleepers. I'm sure they exist and are
out there, somewhere - and I'm happy for them, really I am. (Insert
fake smile) But many parents have one or two or more crap-tastic
sleepers and for those of us in that camp, this post is for you.

(If you're one of the parents that has had a couple great
sleepers, go ahead and read up on what's in store for you if you choose to
roll the dice of sleep again)

I have five children. Ugh. That sounds like so many, doesn't it? Well, it
is. Of my five, two have been
terrible-awful-horrible-why-do-you-hate-me-sleepers; baby #1 and baby #5
(my current sleep fighting ninja). What did I do differently with those middle three
to make them sleep better, you ask? NOTHING. At all. All were
fed the same. All basically had the same sleeping arrangements. For whatever
reason the middle three took it easy on me and slept like
"average" babies their age. Current research suggests that sleep is
highly developmental and has nothing to do with food. (I'm looking at you,
person who is about to suggest rice cereal before bedtime). It's just
something that some babies do later than others.

So, in the spirit of my 10.5-month-old STILL getting up anywhere from
1-4,290 times a night, I have compiled a list of things that parents with
sleepless babies can relate to.

1.You have sleep anxiety -- Sleep
anxiety is defined as (I just made this up): Being nervous to go to sleep
because you know your baby will be up soon. Due to your
sleep anxiety, you will sit on the couch asking yourself "Do
I go to bed now? Or do I just stay up until the baby wakes up to eat
again?" This is a perpetual cycle. Like, you're so
tired you just want to sleep...but there is nothing more terrible than
getting all comfy in bed and hearing that wail from the baby down the
hall. And almost always, no matter which road you choose, it
will backfire. Right in your face. If you choose to go to bed, the baby
will literally wake up as soon as your eyelids shut. If you choose to just wait
it out and watch another episode of Gilmore Girls, the baby
will naturally sleep for the next four hours straight and all
the sudden you're finishing up season three. The worst part is,
now you've missed out on four continuous hours of glorious sleep.

2. You will try anything -- You will try sound
machines, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, rocking, bouncing, walking, swaying,
an earlier bedtime, a later bedtime, rice cereal, oatmeal cereal, you'll have
the other parent do bedtime, you'll try a warm bath, lavender
lotion, three books, five books, eight lullabies instead of
seven, Ferber, swaddling, sleep sacks, rock n play, pack n play, co-sleeping,
crib sleeping, magic merlin, you will load the baby up in the car and
drive around, you will even try to pretend to be sleeping while
your baby is staring at you, in hopes that they see you and want to
follow suit, you will try all of this and then some. And nothing will
consistently work. You hear me?! NOTHING!

3. You will pray/beg/plead -- Just like TLC said, we
ain't too proud to beg - we really aren't. I have literally begged my baby to
go to sleep. "Please baby. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Juuuuust sleeeeeep."
And this is about the time that he will happily grab my lips with his
sharp jagged little finger nails and draw blood at 4am. I have
also prayed. "Dear God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Sandman, I don't know.
Anyone, at this point. Dear Anyone, Just let him sleep. Please. Just one night.
Just like five or six hours straight. Please. Please!! Amen."
(Omg, he's awake again)

My current sleepless baby

*yawn - chugs coffee*

4. You will sleep in odd places and positions -- I have slept
fully upright in our wood glider, for hours on end, with the baby
still latched, my head hanging down and legs crossed. I have slept on the
floor while the littles are playing (My mom used to call it "resting her
eyes"). You will co-sleep. This is a very good remedy for getting the most
sleep with a sleepless baby but it is hard on your body because you are
instinctually stuck on your side and you literally don't move the entire
night (hello hip, shoulder, and neck pain). You will hop in their
crib with them. We've all seen those memes and pictures of mom or dad in the
crib sleeping with baby. That's real. That is true desperation of ”Please, just sleep." You will,
on occasion, sleep in the deserted toddler bed. In
fact, this was me last night. Our 2-year-old woke up a couple hours after
bedtime and wandered into our room. She wanted to sleep with us, fine. Per
usual, 12 seconds later the baby woke up, too. As I was sitting in the
rocking chair feeding him, I kept looking at the toddler's tiny,
empty, Frozen-themed toddler bed. I was so tired. I just wanted to lay
down. I swear it was beckoning me. I don't know what I was thinking, but I
carefully stood up while keeping the baby latched (that's impressive in
and of itself) and I laid down. In the toddler bed. With my 22 lb 10 month
old. The bed is made to probably support a maximum of like 50 lbs.
But at least I was laying down, right? Wrong. I was so terrified we
were going to collapse to the ground, we only lasted like 10 minutes in it. By
the way, getting Mason and myself up and out of that tiny
little bed is worth a post on its own, but I'll spare you the details. All
in all it garnered me another 10 minutes of sleep, and at this point, I'll take
it.

5. You will lie to people sometimes -- One of the first
questions people ask when you have a baby is "How's he sleeping?" It's a harmless question and usually
comes from other moms because we have all been there. New babies
don't sleep well. They're babies, they're not supposed to sleep well. They're
supposed to be eating all the time. But as your baby gets older, it's kind of
expected that he starts sleeping longer stretches. And if he doesn't, people
start hurling advice at you. Even your pediatrician may make you feel like
you're doing something wrong. So, to save yourself the explaining and the
excuses, you just lie. I've done it. You've done it. We've all done it. Sometimes
it's just easier. "Oh, he's doing better! I think he was just
teething!" (It's not teething) or "We're going to start
sleep training this week!" (No, you're not.) This is just an easier
route than hearing people tell you things you should try, and more than likely
you've already tried just about everything.

6. You are cautiously optimistic -- Expect the worst sleep,
but hope for the best sleep. On the rare occasion your baby sleeps well,
you are hoping this will become a "thing" for him. Like, maybe this is
it! This is the corner he's needed to turn! But at the same time, you are
kind of laughing hysterically at yourself for even having hope. At this point,
you will just chug all the coffee in house (and at work and at Target and
at the doctor's office) and settle on the realization that you'll
sleep when you're dead.

My blog has the name that it does for a reason. It has always been
something I've clung to in the throes of motherhood. It applies to all stages,
really. There are days when I can't wait for my 11-year-old to go to bed,
too. I chant it to myself when I'm up all night, and whenever any of
my babies would protest naps, or when I've been fairly certain
I am going insane from sleep deprivation, or when I couldn't
stop crying, and the baby wouldn't stop crying, and when I
can't even remember what it's like to not be tired, or when
my big kids are wrestling and being loud, or they eat the last of
the cereal and put the empty box back, or when they don't want
to get out of bed for school, or fight with me about doing any kind
of personal hygiene.

"They have to sleep eventually, they have to sleep eventually,
they have to sleep eventually." I try to remember that this
is all short lived in the grand scheme of parenting. And, you know what?
It's true. They have to sleep eventually. Right?

I sure hope so.

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