Tell Me About It Carolyn Hax

TELL ME ABOUT IT CAROLYN HAX

Recovering From Grief, which had appeared in this space, was discontinued by its syndicate. Today we will add Tell Me About It, by Carolyn Hax. Hax's column also appears on Sunday.

Dear Carolyn: A month ago, I got back together with a girl I dated for a year and a half. When we split, she said she needed some time to herself. I was upset and did not look to date anyone else, while she had an isolated rendezvous. Now that we are back together I am happy to be with her, but still resentful of this particular incident. She wants to forget it and go on being a couple, and I don't know if I can. Is this just crazy? -- Torn

Dear Torn: If you're ready to let a nice future tank over a past that's not about you, yes. But she's bonkers, too, for thinking you both can "forget." It happened. Which means you can't pretend it unhappened. You also can't let pain make decisions for you, unless you want your next and future intense emotional attachments to be with your TV set.

The only reliable way to make an issue disappear is to make sense of it. When she left you last spring she was feeling ... what? And this fling occurred ... when? And it helped resolve her doubts ... how? And she came back to ... whom? And you are blowing this way out of proportion ... why? It's pass-fail.

Dear Carolyn: I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy. Sometimes I feel threatened by his female friends. During the past year, he became friends with a woman who is single and very attractive. I admire this woman myself, but I get this knot in my stomach when I see the two of them together. Should I come right out and say I'm jealous of her, or is this really an issue of trust? -- A.N.

Dear A.N: Yes, it's entirely an issue of trust -- in him to be honest, in the relationship to thrive or fail on its merits, in the female friends to respect your place. Mostly, though, it's about trusting yourself enough to realize that any relationship you have is about what you have to offer, or not. It's never about how you measure up to whatever else is out there. Do you want to be described as the person he's with because he couldn't do any better?

And, yes, you should come right out and say you feel threatened by this woman, and that you don't know why.