Weekend Open Thread

I’ve been looking for a basic but colorful trench coat, and this MICHAEL Michael Kors one looks great — highly recommended by the 20-year-olds as well as the 60-year-olds, detachable lining and hood, and available in five colors (the pictured “dark red,” black, beige, “bordeaux” and “cinnabar”). It’s exclusive to Nordstrom, and part of the Half Yearly Sale — was $198, now marked to $129. Available in sizes XS-XL in regular and petites. MICHAEL Michael Kors Trench Coat with Detachable Hood

P.S. Pretty great sales with J.Crew — 40% off sale items with code StyleTime, which also gets you free shipping; items do not seem to be final sale.

Have you tried changing practice areas? Think about what it is you like about your job and see if you can shift over to that field. I’ve been in 4 different law jobs (3 different practice areas) and I am only now feeling like law is my calling. Yeah, it took awhile, but man, I am not going to give up that easily after suffering through 2 bar exams!

I agree with Hollis! Do NOT give up so fast! You went to law school for 3 years and took the bar (which I hope you passed). Just like you have to kiss alot of frog’s before you meet your prince (I am still kissing away), you will have to WORK with alot of JERK’s in different legal area’s before you find your NITCH.

I remember my first law job where all I saw was this guy yelling out numbers, where he was RANKEING women 1-10 that were passing on the street in DC. FOOEY b/c he was a looser who was probabley not even a 2 himself.

Then I had a job where I was serveing subpeeenea’s and the guy who ran the busness just wanted to have sex with me! DOUBEL FOOEY!

There were other looser job’s, but then I met the manageing partner and this one has worked out for me. I went from being where you were to where I am now. A sucesful litieagator in the Court’s of the State of New York (trial and apellate), and a partner at a nice Booteak firm speacializing in Workers Compensation!

So dont give up; mabye look for another place if you have to but remember you are a strong woman not about to let men push you around, either at work or in your personal life. YAY!!!!!!

I am getting to be leaveing early today b/c I already billed 125 hour’s for this week, so the manageing partner said I could take the last 2 hour’s off! DOUBEL YAY!

How did you go about switching practice areas? Did you switch to something completely unrelated? I’m trying to move to a different state and I feel like getting anyone to look at my resume for a completely different practice area is difficult, even if I am ok starting over at a lower level.

Yes, the switch was to something completely unrelated. I just explained that I was interested in X and took X in law school and enjoyed it and regretted that I had started out in Y instead. I’d be willing to take evening LLM courses in X (and I eventually did, although the new job paid for those classes) and start out more junior. Took a hit in seniority, but that was fine with me. It helps if you contact someone sympathetic – in my case I reached out directly to a partner in X who had a hard time keeping an associate. I purposely did not use a recruiter because I didn’t want the recruiting fee to get in the way of an informational interview. In your case, if you are already at a firm, can you ask for some assignments from a partner in the group where you would like to switch into? Even if you had just a couple of assignments under your belt, you would come off more convincing – I had a friend who did this successfully.

I actually did change practice areas when I changed firms. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be even though I was moving between two related areas. Many people seemed skeptical that someone would want to change practice areas. I think this used to be way more common before the recession. Of course, it helps if you want to move to area that is just desperate for people. My husband is in a very niche practice, his firm is the only place in town that does it, so whenever they want to hire someone they either have to recruit someone from another city or take someone from another practice area.

What worked for me was I talked to someone I knew who was practicing in the area I wanted to get into and got her take on what were the hot issues in the field. Knowing that made me able to sound reasonably intelligent in interviews. She also showed me her resume and I tweaked my resume to highlight things I had done that were similar. She also called me when recruiters called to tell her about a job opening, although ultimately I found my current job on my own.

The downside to changing areas is stepping down a year in seniority is common. You might not be starting from scratch, but you have to prove yourself all over again. Many in house or firm jobs are interested in an 09 grad but lose interest when they find out I only have 2 years of experience in my practice area.

I have read Life After Law and I highly recommend it. It is great for getting ideas on how to repackage you legal skills for completely different careers. However, I don’t think it really addressed how to figure out if it’s just your current job or the whole field that isn’t working you. I might write her and see if she will do a post on this topic.

Law firm does not equal law job. Don’t give up, but figure out what you’re good at (I used and loved the StrengthFinders 2.0 assessment and loved it), then try to find a legal environment that allows you to use those strengths in your job. Maybe a different firm, maybe an in-house gig, maybe a compliance job. Good luck!

Is there a specific reason why it’s not for you? Things like long hours, deadlines, and demanding bosses/clients are not present at every law job (I’m in a law job that has none of those things, so they do exist) so if that’s your problem maybe the job, not the practice, are the problem. If however you can’t stand sitting quietly all day and reading…then maybe being a lawyer is just not for you.

What I don’t like is about 1/3 that the partners I currently work with are really not good people to work for, 1/3 relentless pressure to make hours and other intractable firm policies I find annoying, and 1/3 lack of interest in what I am doing and feeling like my talents could be better used doing something else.

Why work in a firm? Why not open your own practice? Or work for a government agency or inhouse counsel or legal aid? I wouldn’t even consider working in a firm where I had to bill hours and I love being a lawyer. I was as a public defender for years and now I do postconviction work.

I need a bit of advice. I just found out last week that my long-term boyfriend (4 years) has been looking at rings and discussing marriage with his parents. I told my cousin, who has always been a close friend, and the only response I got was “yay, exciting!!!” before she changed the subject. Am I alone in thinking that’s a bit strange? I’ve told a few other girlfriends and they all seemed really excited and asked appropriate questions, the same way I’ve always tried to do when any one of them has relationship news. I know it’s not like I’m actually engaged or anything, but I’ve had countless long conversations with my cousin about all of her relationships and problems and have tried to be really supportive for her over the years. Basically, her response just doesn’t seem quite fair or something because I really thought something this important to me was more conversation-worthy news. Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? If anyone has any advice, it would be much appreciated!

Congratulations on the expected engagement! It seems like she is sensitive/jealous/touchy on this issue. Not dissimilar to the reaction I got from a really dear friend after I told her I was expecting (after we were both struggling with infertility for awhile). I’m sure it’s about her, and not you. Try not to let her rain on your parade.

OP here. I guess I just expected her to be more excited, especially because we’ve been close forever. All of my other friends asked lots of questions and were happy about it (we didn’t discuss it for more than five minutes max, but it was least a really genuine conversation where I had no doubt whatsoever about their thoughts). Given that I’ve been there for a LOT of my cousin’s news, drama, and announcements in the last year alone, I guess I thought there would be more of a reaction when I had something to share.

Oh well – I know it’s not worth getting upset over, but we’ve probably all been there where a friend or family member didn’t react to something the way we assumed they would.

OK, if you can honestly say that you’d think your cousin was “pretty excited” after responding to that news with “yay, exciting!!! omg I can’t wait for this work day to be over,” then kudos on your ability to really tease out the best in people. May we all be blessed with your superior attitude.

Thats not a far stretch. She said yay exciting. That is being excited. No one is going to be as excited as you are, and you arent even engaged yet. Its probably not news because she figured for a while that you are going to be engaged. I think you should really lower your expectations. If you are feeling hurt that people arent reacting exactly like you want to a pre-engagement possibility announcement, you are fast tracking to both dissapointment and being a bridezilla

I agree with Wildkitten. Honestly this sounds like there might be some other issues at play, based on you mentioning multiple times how you’ve listened to her drama. Saying her response doesn’t seem “fair” signals a red flag for me…. fair in terms of what?

OP here. I guess it’s just frustrating because in our relationship, it’s often been me taking the time to listen to her news (positive or negative), but then we spend much less time on mine. Whenever she has something to share, we’ll exchange dozens of texts or emails or phone calls (she lives out of state), but whenever it’s anything of mine, I’m lucky to get 2-3 texts before the subject is back to her. I guess it’s just a relationship dynamic thing, not really a pre-engagement thing. Oh well – thanks for listening, ladies, and for making me see it’s really not a big deal. I know it’s not – I just need to remind myself that this is how she is with everything.

Amending my earlier post…now that I see she only responds with 2 or 3 texts if the subject is not about her makes it seem she may just be all about her. If this is a pattern in your relationship/friendship then the “yay amazing! okay, now let’s talk about me” thing may just be how she is.

OP. She’s definitely not in on it – she and my boyfriend get along, but he doesn’t really trust her after some weird manipulative behavior she was showing last year. Even if he did decide to talk to her, I highly doubt she could keep it a secret. Now that I’ve written it out and seen the other responses here, it’s clearer to me that it’s really just a new manifestation of her same old way of dealing with other people’s news versus her own. That’s always been an underlying problem in our friendship – hopefully it won’t last forever. And anyway, I’m definitely not engaged – I can see how it wouldn’t really mean anything to some people until it’s official.

Hmmm…major life events often winnow the pseudo-friends from the real friends. It may be a gentle reminder that your cousin is not a very giving friend — does lots of contact with her really enrich your life, or would your time be better spent on people who give as much as they take?

Congratulations! But that said, I think you should let it go. You didn’t include anything in your post about her relationship status but I do know that at times, it’s really hard to act excited about your good friends’ engagements/weddings when they’re not quite there yet. She probably should have tried to have a more excited reaction but it’s not always easy to do – I’m sure it’s more about her than you but I would just try to be more understanding.

Meh, no. I don’t get big into engagements, weddings, babies, that kind of stuff. Frankly, I think it is really boring. So, my usual response “Wow, congratulations. That’s great. So, what do you have going on this weekend?”

Also, you aren’t engaged yet. She might be withholding her *actual* excitement until the event really happens.

Yeah, but we’re kind of lumping engagements, weddings and babies all into one thing here. I’m a bit over weddings myself, but when my friends get pregnant–especially if it’s planned out–I at least pretend I’m interested.

N.B.: the whole “I found out that I may be getting engaged soon” isn’t really a celebration to me. It’s more like an “interesting, well, we’ll have to see what happens” sort of thing.

Sure but do you really have to find “weddings” or “babies” exciting in the abstract in order to care about them when they happen to your closest friends? No offense, but a comment like Avodah’s just makes me think there’s something else going on there, if you wouldn’t be even a little emotionally moved in some way upon hearing that your closest friend will be having a child, for example — it’s not about “babies,” it’s about that person close to you.

That said, I also think it’s a bit over-the-top to be all that upset if someone reacts a bit weirdly – everyone has their own stuff going on. When I got engaged, one of my closest friends was traveling without a phone, so I had to tell her by email. She responded with the following one-liner: “What? That’s crazy!” (It wasn’t, I’d been with my partner for 4 years at that point and it was not a surprise). I just responded “Haha, I know, can’t wait to see you.” When I did see her she was her normal self, everything was fine, she is still one of my closest friends, etc. People can be weird over text / email and process things weirdly, and imbuing every little thing with a ton of meaning never does anyone any good.

Agreed. I am happy for my friends, but their engagement/wedding/baby isn’t interesting to me. I care about them but I don’t really care about the event itself. It sounds like the cousin reacted normally, but the OP wanted her to make it into a bigger deal. Some people just aren’t into weddings.

Seriously? I have a big problem being a gushy person but even I try to ham it up when someone gets engaged/married/pregnant. People get really offended when they tell you that they’re having a child, and your response is, So what have you got going on this weekend?

Yeah, I somehow can’t imagine that even if a friend came to me with something that hadn’t yet happened, i.e. “I think I’m going to make partner!” “Oh wow, awesome! Did I tell you I found a new hair salon?”

I would expect a male friend to express excitement/congratulations and ask relevant questions, which is what my male friends did when I got engaged, married and had a baby, and what I do when friends announce major life events to me.

What she announced was that she is pretty sure that maybe soon possibly there is probably going to be an announcement of a major life milestone.

I doubt I’d get super gushy about that either. “Yay! Exciting!” seems about appropriate to me. What else would you say “when’s the date…oh wait he didn’t actually ask you yet?” “Can I see the ring…oh wait you don’t have it yet…”

Seriously. This is borderline ridiculous. It would be different if she had told her cousin she was getting married, which is how some of y’all are treating it.

I was responding to Anon 6:46. This is where the board put it. When it gets to a certain number of replies, it won’t go “over” anymore, they all go underneath. Besides, your response was clearly relevant to the OP’s issue, so I’m not sure why your panties are in a bunch over my disagreement with the concept.

OP here. Just as a point of reference, the other four people I told (one at work, three childhood friends in a group text message) all asked the same type of questions, including “when do you think it might happen?” and “did you guys ever talk about what kind of ring you want?” Each conversation was only a few minutes long. That’s why I even posted here at all – I got four people asking those questions for about the same amount of time and one who said “yay, exciting!!!” and changed the subject.

Maybe she doesn’t know what to say? I honestly don’t know what the appropriate questions are. You can’t really ask about the ring/dates/etc because you’re not engaged yet. Some people aren’t good at these things, but it doesn’t mean they don’t wish you the best.

I think this is a real possibility. There aren’t a lot of questions that immediately pop into my mind.

But also, what OP said about the focus being on her more than on you – that she tends to fuel a lot more texting or conversation with her news than yours…I think this is another possibility. We all have friends/family members/close, dear friends who may require more of us than we require of them. It sounds like OP was expecting a different response than she’s ever gotten from her cousin with the pending engagement news. When people have a lifetime of how a relationship is constructed, it’s not likely to change with one piece of news.

Yes, this. I also think Houston Attorney is right about some asymmetric relationships that most of us have had at one time or another. But, for the record, I don’t think it’s out of line for the OP to feel a little disappointed either.

You aren’t engaged yet. You just said you think based on some things you have heard that you think he is thinking about it. I’m not sure how excited I would get about that either.

Probably a lot less excited than I would be for an actual “I’m getting married!” announcement, which would warrant a response, hugs and questions. I think my boyfriend might propose doesn’t seem like it warrants much more than an “exciting!”

When you share news with her, does she normally act more invested and ask more questions than this situation? If she does, then I agree this seems odd. If she doesn’t, then probably not a big deal. Is she married or engaged or in a serious, happy relationship? If not, then maybe she’s a little jealous. Not saying that you have to be married to be happy but maybe she really wants it so she’s sensitive and sad.

I understand you’ve been there and always listened to her, but that doesn’t mean she’s the same person as you and will react exactly how you would react.

Looking for some advice on home-manicures. I need to push back my overgrown cuticles, but I don’t like to cut or nip them. I bought some cuticle cream, but after I apply the cream, wait a minute, rinse it off, and push the cuticles back gently, some of them inevitably tear-up and bleed (sorry, TMI) and I end up needing to wait a week or two before they look normal again. Any tips?

I’m a little confused by your washing off of the cream, but is the cuticle cream kinda like a hand lotion or one of the dissolving ones?
If its the former, try moisturizing for a few weeks, rubbing it in really well to see if they do better before trying to start pushing them back.
If its the latter (such as: http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod2870037) , I’ve had a lot of luck lightly using an orange stick while the product is still on my hands. The key there is to do it slowly a little at a time over the course of a few days if they’re really far out, and to make sure they’re nice and wet.

Mine looks like lotion (it’s white and creamy), but is called “Cuticle Remover”). Doesn’t have any directions unfortunately. I never tried pushing while the product is on (it’s hard to see the cuticles under the creaminess), but I’ll try that instead. Thanks.

If you’re already super-dry and cracking, some of those softener/remover creams are just going to aggravate and irritate your skin (it’s like putting an “exfoliating” peppermint-oil-laden “balm” on cracked lips. OUCH!). Have you tried jojoba oil or raw shea butter?

Both of those will make great moisturizers. Try them on hands, feet, and legs after shaving if you need to use it up.

Regarding the nail problem, I used to have dry cuticles that grew part way up my nails, but with heavy moisturizing and the use of cuticle remover only after my cuticles were healthier worked great for me. I use Sally Hanson cuticle remover gel and leave it on quite a while, typically until it’s almost dry, and then scrub it off with a rough old washcloth. this takes away the dissolved cuticle. Then, moisturize! Also, don’t use cuticle remover when you are trying to push back your cuticles.. when pushing them back you want them to be softened, not dissolving. Get all the thin skin that grows over the nail with the cuticle remover, then use heavy moisturizer- I like Burts bees cuticle cream-colored let soak in, and push back the remaining cuticle.

Happy weekend everybody! In ATL airport waiting for my connection. Starting to be able to smell and very vaguely taste. Trying to be optimistic. Oddly enough, I could feel movement in my sinuses on the plane.

Can anyone share favorite beauty products that have SPF in them? I’m getting a gift for a family member who recently had some pre-skin cancer issues. I have some Clinique City Block and some Softlips chapstick with SPF in it, but I’m planning to stop by Sephora or Ulta to see what else I can find.

Peter Thomas Roth Instant Mineral SPF 45; translucent brush on powder for immediate any time UVA/UVB sun-protection. I carry it everywhere. It’s perfect for a touch up if you have make up on already and you may have outlived your daily SPF. I use it on my hands/arms too if I roll up my shirt while driving or if I am too rushed to apply my daily sunscreen in the morning etc.

I like Josie Maran Protect Daily Sun Protection SPF 40+. It’s light, it absorbs well, and it’s a physical sunscreen. But it’s not the richest of moisturizers, so it might not be enough on it’s own for really dry skin.

Actually I really like the Body Shop vitamin E moisturizer with SPF 15 — it’s exactly the right consistency, scent (not strong), and absorbance for me — but there’s a SPF 15-30 moisturizer in each of their skin care lines.

thoughts on nice girls don’t get the corner office for those brand new to their careers? I read the entire book and it seems to be directed at an older audience. I’m in my early 20’s and starting a new job so things like not taking notes (how else am I going to remember things?) would probably not be possible.

I felt the same way although I only read the two parts that applied to me. I liked How to Play like a Man and Win Like a Woman by the same author. Then again it was helpful for me because I started with five male bosses and all female support staff. I would also suggest “I shouldn’t be telling you this” and “Lean-In”. Also, non-female related “Rules for Radicals” and “Getting Things Done”.

Otherwise, don’t share too much, don’t drink too much at office related functions, listen more than speak up, be friendly with every person (aka not rude no need to be Ms. Sunshine), don’t disrespect superiors even if you are right, and seek out male/female mentors both within your company as well as outside of your company. Never, ever be afraid to ask someone to mentor you. Mentors are invaluable in every career path in my opinion.

Thanks, I will definitely check out those other books. Those are good general tips as well. I think the book was very valuable mostly in making me aware of things I am doing that are stereotypically female or cute. But I guess it’s definitely the kind of book you pick and choose from.

I think that’s right. I think it also might be a book that doesn’t apply as much to some women. I think she mentions at one point that she coached a female executive who was too stand-offish, and that she actually encouraged that woman to put candies on her desk to make her more approachable. So if you’re naturally more like the executive (like me), then a lot of things just won’t apply. But I think there are some good tips in there for everyone.

Does the book really say don’t take notes for other people, ever? (I haven’t read it but have heard a fair amount through discussions on here, etc). In my experience, its very common for the most junior person to be asked to take notes for everyone since the more senior people will be focused on the substance of the meeting. I can’t imagine that refusing to do so because you don’t want to be seen as a “nice girl” would go over very well…

If your the junior person, then sure. But if you are among peers, and you are consistently getting the note taking role you need to push back, because that should rotate. Basically, if the only reason you are in the meeting is to take notes, that one things. If you are supposed to be participating in the meeting, someone junior to you should be taking notes, or the responsibility of note taking should rotate. It’s about not getting subconsciously viewed as the secretary instead of contributor.

It is perfectly okay. Any good salon will want you to be happy with your haircut and should fix it for free. They don’t want you to be unhappy with a $150 haircut – they want you to be happy with it so that you come back umpteen times at $150 a pop :)

I’ve done that before. My stylist was mortified and super apologetic that I had to come back. I was trying to be easy-going about it and I feel like she compensated more because I was nice than if I’d been mad.

yep I’ve done that before with colour + cut. She fixed it no problem and was very apologetic. She even agreed the colour was way off and the mgr of the salon actually contacted the dye company to ask what they did wrong. The dye company looked and said they’d recently changed their formula for that one colour. I really appreciated the follow up – anyway all just goes to show you high-end salons want you to be 100% happy.

Nice. I’m headed to my brother’s place after work. I’m working from home. My sister-in-law and I are going to do a Scandal marathon. The 3 of us will also be making potstickers in prep for Thanksgiving. I made the filling, but the process of filling the wrappers is tedious.

I had a very long day yesterday. Assisted in a training session in the morning. My co-worker led it. He thought it went well. The attendees did not. The guy who arranged it sat next to me and said he wanted to fire my co-worker, who sat behind a desk the entire time and didn’t engage at all. I had to walk across campus to the training site and back. And then I went to a happy hour after work for a software I’m working with. I ended up getting nearly 24K steps per my fitbit.

But just now I heard from the guy who arranged the training. He wants to “work closely” with me on some reports. He’s charming and smart and about 10 years younger than me. We’ll discuss it next week at the Boston meet-up. I’m cautiously optimistic.

Jealous. I’m completely booked with social things this weekend and wish I could just curl up into a ball and watch a New Girl/Veronica Mars/Good Wife marathon. I have a “meet the baby” dinner, a baby shower, an engagement party brunch, and a charity dinner this weekend. I’m happy to go to all of them individually, but would rather they were spread out across more weekends.

I’d never watched any of it until now. 0.o i’ve been meaning to start on it for ages and then I figured okay, Halloween, bored now, can’t go out, I know – Supernatural! and it’s been just as good and feels-inducing as everyone has said it is. I’m spoiled to hell and back – pun so intended – thanks to years of being fandom-adjacent, but I am totally loving it. :D Especially Crowley.

TBH I probably will not like that episode much – I get intensely uncomfortable watching people be fish out of water because I’ve been there myself so often that I feel embarrassed by proxy as a result… but I also won’t skip it for the world.

It’s a fairly light-hearted episode (as much as any of them are, anyway)

And Crowley isn’t going anywhere anytime. That Mark Shepard has the amazing ability to pop up on just about any (usually sci-fi/fantasy, but not always) show that I watch. And is always fascinating to watch.

I need one as an office workhorse–preferably warm, as professional looking as possible for a cardigan, good quality, and NO BUTTONS. I’m petite, so one that is not hugely long would be fantastic. And I don’t mind handwashing, but dry cleaning a sweater isn’t going to happen.

Hello – what a great way to share ideas! Have been looking at corporette for some time. I am supposed to be attending an awards dinner next month where the attire is “business”. While I could certainly go with a standard work suit, I’m contemplating purchasing a silk dupoini suit for these types of occasions. What do you think? I have seen many women wearing dupoini in the office (not in a law office but conservative finance) and I love the look, but I am in my mid 30’s and potentially afraid it will age me =(

I think the answer is that Talbots always has the silver foxy grandmas modeling the dupioni line. It can be really chic in the right colors, or….really mother-of-the-bride. I think the key to pulling this off would be to get a cut that’s a bit edgy or to wear more contemporary accessories. Another way that I like to dress up “regular” suits for day-to-night stuff is to wear a silk blouse and ass slightly blingier jewelry for the event.

I think that silk dupoini suits really read older, even if they are in modern cut. Maybe if you found precisely the right cut and color, you could avoid the frump factor, but it would probably require a ton of shopping and alterations.

Why not get a really fabulous jewel toned silk blouse, maybe in charmeuse? It would look festive and younger, and you would probably get a lot more wear out of it. Maybe couple with a statement necklace, like something from Alexis Bittar.

I think they’re mainly “older.” My boss, a very attractive 45 year old GC who looks much younger, manages to pull it off– she’s kind of tall, sort of regal looking. Otherwise, I would think they’re more for the 55+ set.

Another thing to consider is that this type of fabric doesn’t ‘give’ a lot, unlike modern wool suiting fabric. It can feel really constricting through the length of an evening if it’s made up into a fitted tailored style.

Does anyone have ideas for work appreciation gifts? I am in charge of a large team of people who volunteer their time for an “extracurricular” work activity. In the past, we’ve done company-branded polo shirts and sweaters, and things that sit on your desk (paperweights and the like).

I’m trying to think of something new and fun this year for men and women from ages 22-62. We will be moving to a new office building going from offices to open floor plan, so I’d prefer not to do something that sits on a desk. I’m trying to think of something consumable, but coming up blank. Looking to spend ~$50-$75.

I like a lot of the stuff that Lands End will do for your business, high quality and good turnaround. Maybe browse here for things that would be good for your particular set – http://ocs.landsend.com/ixbo/business-apparel/index.html?seq=1&tab=1&page=1&pageSize=12&store_name=corpsales&store_type=1

Some kind of fruit basket or dessert sampler is always good, but honestly the thing I like getting the most are gift certificates. Amazon, Starbucks, or just plain old Visa. The only things I’ve ever actually used with a company logo on it are an umbrella and a travel coffee mug. My work thinks I really need company branded coolers, windbreakers, and men’s polo shirts for some reason.

Agreed – I always double take when I see people wearing pants (especially navy or another dark color) with nude heels. They definitely look best with skirts, and IMO should only be worn during bare-legged weather.

I live in SF. I think a cognac or dark brown looks much sharper with navy pants. IDK, I guess I use nude shoes as a way to elongate the leg line, so the stark contrast of dark pants and then light shoes looks off. *Shrug*

I wear mine with skirts and dresses – pretty much anything knee-length or shorter. I got the Kate Spade Leslie, and it’s great! I strongly recommend getting them in patent or something else that wipes down easily – the light-colored leather ones seem to stain very fast.

I’m going to a combination career event day and banquet honoring a longtime friend of mine (tomorrow!) at a college in NY, where I will also likely be the only woman. I don’t know what to wear other than a basic suit (the young men and alumni will be in coat and tie). There’s no gap or expectation to change for dinner, I was just wondering if anyone had a more creative suggestion for me.

I think a basic suit sounds completely appropriate. If you wanted to sparkle it up for the dinner (is that what you’re thinking?), perhaps you could take some more evening earrings/jewelry or a lovely scarf to add for the banquet. Those items might be easy to carry with you in your handbag. Sometimes though, I feel 10x better if I just freshen up my makeup.

I have been looking all over for a new trench and it is very hard to find longer ones that can be worn over a knee-length skirt, and would also be well-made and not frumpy. This trench is very cute, but too short, even for a 5ft4 me.

I just got the Commuter Trench from LL Bean, and I love it. (I’ll post the link in a reply.) I don’t know what you mean by wanting it longer for a knee-length skirt — are you looking for something that goes below the hemline of the skirt? I’m wearing mine with a skirt today, and I like the look, but it does fall above the hem of my skirt.

Similarly, (and not to thread-jack), I am looking for a long coat. I don’t work in the corporate environment, my office is casual enough that I can wear jeans, provided the top and shoes are a little more put-together (today is dark jeans, brown flats & offwhite longsleeve shirt w/beaded neckline). I live in COLD, where most of the winter I wear my down jacket, but it’s only hip-length. I would like something that can be put-together, as I do have to present before town council and planning commission on a regular basis (calls for skirts or dress pants). I would love to have a full length or 3/4 length wool coat, but that’s pretty well out of my price range. Can a coat like the Lands End commuter coats cross both lines? I feel like I’m really missing something here.

I just bought this coat, and I’d like to point out that it’s also available in plus sizes in red and black. I really like it. It’s flattering on, and I love the versatility (detachable lining and hood). Definitely a keeper for me and a good replacement for my old beat up trench.

I know there was a thread not too long ago about maternity tights (maybe Nonny posted?) but I absolutely cannot find it. Can anyone either find the link to it, or tell me their favorite brand(s)? I tried a pair from Pea in the Pod and even though they were supposed to fit women up to 5’11’, they were much too short on me (5’9″). I got a pair at Target — the Ingrid and Isabell for Target line — and they were AMAZING (very soft and stretchy belly, not too high in the back), but of course I can’t find any more of them. Plus those were stockings, not tights. Just wearing my regular tights under the belly really isn’t working anymore.

They were definitely expensive, but the spanx power mama ones were fantastic once I was about 7months plus. They were over the belly, and they didn’t squish you at all (not like normal spanx) just had some more support at the bottom and sides of the bump which really helped my back at that point.

I just got home from an exhausting 48-hour business trip (we’re talking 16+ hour workdays), only to find out mid-trip that my mom might have cancer (we’re awaiting the test results now). Last night, when I got home, my BF and I got in an argument, and this morning, I woke up with a sore throat and can feel myself coming down with something. It’s all I can do not to start crying at my desk right now.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Try Zicam for the throat – the zinc always seems to help me ward off colds as they’re starting. Hope you get good news from the doctors. Maybe you and your mom can try to do something relaxing together this weekend (if she lives near you?) It’s the worst when you’re waiting for results and you can’t help but dwell on them.

From past few days I have been noticing many threads revolving around weight loss/ overweight spouse issues which I closely followed. I am in a situation where I need to lose 15Lbs. Actually I am always either gaining or losing weight. It has been very difficult for me to keep my weight stable. I don’t generally enjoy heavy workouts but I enjoy brisk walking/light running. But when I walk outside, I am not sure about my pace and I come up with all sorts of reasons to skip it. My work also has gotten very hectic and I really come home late and I don’t see it improving any time soon. I am thinking about buying a treadmill. I wanted to know if many people here have treadmills and if it is worth buying it. Do people stick to the routine? Has it helped you guys maintaining your weight

Thanks Senior Attorney…that was exactly my concern..I don’t want to spend money just to have the equipment lying around occupying space in my apartment and making me feel guilty every time I look at it..So I wanted to know if majority of the people who buy it actually use it..

You mention living in an apartment. You need to check your leasing company/condo association/building rules on whether you can put a treadmill in your apartment. I had the misfortune of living underneath a treadmill user for the first half of this year. It was incredibly loud and disruptive; the vibrations actually knocked over photos on several occasions. It made working from home nearly impossible. The condo association where I lived actually prohibits treadmills but I ended up breaking my lease and moving out because it was taking far too long for them to handle it.

I totally agree with this. Diet (not as in going on a diet but just generally how well you eat) makes up the biggest part of weight loss. I personally think of it as focusing on what I eat will help me lose weight and exercise will help me reshape my body. There is a lot of information out there on this issue but basically you’d have to work out quite a bit more than you think to burn enough calories to make a difference because even though the machine shows you burned 350 calories you really only burned a portion of that because you burn calories just by living. I’m sure I’m not explaining this clearly but if you do some googling I’m sure you can find the info I’m talking about.

As for buying equipment like a treadmill I’ve realized that I need to prove to myself that I’ll use it before I can buy it. I’m doing a bodyweight circuit training program at home right now. I didn’t need to buy anything for the first 6 weeks, which I finish tonight. I need a pull-up bar for the 2nd 6 weeks and my deal to myself was that I needed to completely adhere to the program for 5 weeks before buying the bar so that I know I’ll actually use it.

Disclaimer: I also need to lose 15 lbs and am struggling to do everything other than cut calories and excercise to do that.
However…

Excercise DVDs, especially one like Jillian Michaels that have wokouts you’re supposed to do over a certain number of weeks, are a better idea and much more wallet friendly. I trnsferred some to my iPad for trips and use water bottles as weights.

I also use the elliptical machine at hotel gyms but it’s just so darn easy NOT to.

I have a treadmill and a little TV with DVD player in my guest room. I bought it at Sears, where they had cheaper ones than those at the fitness equipment store. One 42-minute episode of a TV show on DVD (or via netflix, amazon, etc.) provides a nice little workout. I use it in the late evening before bed, but you could always do it in the morning. if find it’s not difficult to get into a routine.

We bought one in 2008 and I used it very regularly up until this summer. I stopped because of an injury and didn’t restart with the same enthusiasm because of a different injury (not related to running) this fall. I like the convenience of getting on it whenever I want to and not having to schedule additional time into my day to get to a gym or planning a route outside (on those days when decision fatigue sets in). Between the two of us, we use it at least 2 x per week, usually more.

I like walking a lot…I used to do 10 mile walk on the weekends pretty regularly..and 4 miles on the treadmill at 15 mins per mile (during the weight loss phases..). N that ow it gets late by the time I come home and it is dark and cold outside…And knowing myself I use it as an excuse not to go for a walk (and honestly I am a bit scared too walking in the dark). Now that holiday season is approaching I am getting restless and scared that I will gain more weight and have to work even harder to lose it. I think basically I don’t want to allow to convince myself and not work out. I just want to finish my 60 minute walk per day as soon as I wake up or come home late and still be able to log my 60 mins and spend the rest of the day peacefully…

My parents bought me a treadmill for my house for xmas a couple years ago (at my request). It was a cheap one from Costco or somewhere similar….I honestly think it cost about $250. It is not fancy, but it does the trick, and I absolutely LOVE having the option of doing a quick 20 minute run at home before/after work.

I don’t have a treadmill, but I run on one several days a week (with several more days running outside).

I agree that weight loss is primarily diet, but I do think the consciousness that comes with working in your runs each day makes you more aware of what you are eating. If you know that you will only lose ~300 calories for your 3 mile (say 30 min run), you tend to make sure that what you eat is filling and nutritious, rather than a candy bar and large soda. So for me, the run is worth it. Not to mention how the run decreases stress and allows you to sleep better, both of which contribute to your health and general weight loss plan.

I have a treadmill and probably have had one for the past 8-10 years. I walk as fast as I can manage (right now 4.2 mph) at incline. I could use other equipment at the gym but I like to come home and watch tv and read (kindle) on my treadmill. It’s so convenient at home. I have a NordicTrak treadmill that I bought at Sears. They will deliver and assemble. It folds up and I keep it on a rug so I can move it on my hardwood floors.

We are moving in to a new house this spring with an oversized garage. I’m so excited to put a treadmill in there. I regularly drive 10 minutes to the rec center to use the treadmill, so I’m pretty sure I’ll use it at home. Mainly I think it’ll be great for winter time when it’s hard to run outside her and I don’t want to drive to the gym at 6AM. Plus I can use it when the kids are in bed in the evening if my husband is at work/meetings, etc.

I have one that I got for free on freecycle – it works and I love it. That said, I don’t use it much but prefer to run or walk outside or use elliptical at the gym. When I first started running, though, a treadmill was GREAT — it was so helpful to learn what different speeds felt like, what it felt like to maintain a consistent speed, etc., and made it easy to do run/walk intervals. It’s nice to have one at home for when it’s super rainy, dark, cold, or when you just want to watch tv but want to move at the same time. Also nice to have for houseguests.

have you considered checking craigslist? Between now and the new year, I always see a ton of treadmills on it. You could probably found a basically new one (from someone who used it as a cloths rack) for a fraction of the price. That way, you can try it out and if you don’t use it, you don’t have to feel as guilty about the money expense.

Are leggings and slim-leg pants the same thing? I’m gently testing the legging waters and know that I need a longer shirt/sweater that covers my bum. I know that tights and pants are not the same (got that message loud and clear) and that I should check for panty lines and opacity. Knowing my body type, I also should try to fashion some sort of waist with a belt or something so I don’t look like I’m wearing a tent. But I’m stuck on the legging part. Do I shop for leggings or slim-leg pants, or both? Is one more appropriate for work over the other? And how do you sport the legging look at work (business causal environment)? Casual day only? Case-by-case basis? Are some better with boots than flats or heels? Thanks.

As a general rule, I would say that leggings are clingier, stretchier and more body-conscious. Slim-legs pants are normal pants that taper toward your ankle so that they are maybe 14″ wide at the bottom. Leggings should cling to your ankle. Slim-leg pants are generally always work appropriate; leggings are usually not. Also, with slim-leg pants you shouldn’t have to wear a shirt that covers your crotch because they’re normal pants, just with a skinnier leg.

Leggings are stretchy and cling to your leg. Slim-leg pants are made out of “normal” pant material and while they follow the form of your leg, they don’t cling to it. Think of it like the difference between a stretchy cami that you would only wear under something and a more structured tank top that you would wear by itself.

I don’t think leggings are appropriate for work unless it’s a casual day and you are wearing a dress over them. Slim leg pants are totally OK for business casual if they fit you properly.

We’ve had lots of Qs here re what to do for new moms, but what do we do for someone who loses an adult child? My aunt (local to me and her other children live elsewhere)’s son was killed by a drunk driver two months ago. Now that my cousins have left and aren’t here for weeks at a time, I’ve had my aunt to dinner and have offered periodically (evey other week or so). What else ought I to do? She is a wonderful person and my parents (not local) love her dearly. I had been having her over periodically (or bringing over dinner) since she was widowed about a year ago. The holidays are coming up and I want to be good to her.

Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Being kind and available and thinking of her without overly burdening either of you. With the holidays coming, maybe plan a shopping trip together, or offer to bake cookies together in addition to dinner plans. Help her decorate the house, if she is into that. It will be an awfully hard season for her (and your whole family, likely) and you can’t be expected to solve all of that, but what you’re doing will help and I am sure is so, so appreciated.

My brother passed away just over 3 months ago, and my folks and I are dealing with the same thing. Here’s a few things that have helped:

– Be present. Phone calls, visits, etc. Having people to talk to about regular life help.
– Don’t be afraid to share memories, or “fill in” your cousin’s reaction. Not a day goes by right now that we don’t talk about my brother. And we sometimes fill in his thoughts/reactions to events going on around us. It helps to keep his memory alive.
– Don’t be afraid to cry/sit with someone as they cry. My mom breaks down often while remembering my brother, and just needs someone to sit with her while she has a brief cry, and then we continue on with the conversation.
– Encourage your aunt to feel moments of happiness or joy. Create a new tradition with her? Include her in your plans (change of scenery may help). Most of it won’t be easy, but there will be moments of not-so-sad, and even laughter.

My folks have been struggling with finding a way back to normal… which things will never be. But a grief counselor recommended that it would take 3 years for things to feel “normal”. So, we figure by Christmas 2016, we won’t be a mess.

I recently lost my BIL, only a few years after my FIL died unexpectedly. Based on what’s been helpful to my MIL, it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Also, if she cries when she’s with you, sometimes just sitting quietly with her while she cries can be very soothing for her. Let her be your guide on what she might want, but offer her options. Would she like to go to a holiday show with you (a concert, the Nutcracker, etc.)? What about a drive to look at the lights some night in December? Would she like to go holiday shopping with you? Come over and do some holiday baking? Even if she doesn’t want to do things, keep offering from time to time. Grief is very fluid. It comes and goes, and what feels good one day might be too hard another. Also, this is where quietly letting her cry can be so helpful. She might not want to go shopping or whatever if she feels she needs to keep it together the whole time, or feels like she needs to commit to a three-hour or whatever outing. If you make it clear that she can always take a break and go somewhere quiet for a little while, that you won’t freak out if she breaks down, and that if she suddenly feels she needs to go home you won’t be offended, I think you’ll be a godsend to her.

Are there holiday things she would have done with her son that will feel awkward? You could maybe find a link to some of those–if he was in high school, then a clipping about the holiday celebration there, or if they had a show they traditionally saw together, you could ask if she wants to go with you.
Best wishes to you both!

one of my favorite experienes as a lawyer was getting a nasty email from opposing counsel, being all like WTF? and wondering how to respond, and then getting a voicemail from that attorney apologizing for the nastiness and telling me that his boss made him send it out.

His boss is notorious in the field for being incredibly difficult, and I was also really nice to the associate because I figured that whatever I was going through vis-a-vis his boss couldn’t be nearly as bad as what he went through every day, working for the guy. That’s why I was so taken aback by the nasty email (and happy when he apologized).

Actually one of my favorite experiences looking back was when I sent a (possibly unsolicited) nastygram to another young female attorney OPC, and she called me to say “look, I’m sure you didn’t mean the tone in that email, I think we’ve been working well together, and I hope we can continue to do so.” I felt chastised but in a good way, if that makes sense?

Along these lines, ladies, do you feel like you are treated differently because you are a woman? I work for a biglaw firm, fairly junior, and I have noticed that guys on the other side of the deal would talk to me differently or just ignore me altogether. I am not whether that’s because I’m a woman or because I’m junior. It makes it hard to get anything done.

In general, no. In my first two years of practice, though, when I was about 27, two separate attorneys from different firms in a mid-sized city in Virginia used terms in referring to me that were the equivalent of “missy.” (Can’t remember the exact term.) Nothing since then and nothing from anyone except older male attorneys from that city (I practice in DC). If that happened now, I’d speak up for sure, but at the time I didn’t really know what to do. But other than that, not treated differently.

Men anywhere near my own age (mid thirties), no. But older male OPC (Like probably mid fifties and up) definitely do. For example, they’ll refer to me as “young lady”. However, I think it’s more an age thing than a gender thing, because the same attorneys refer to a similar age male attorney in my office (who has been an attorney for over 10 years) as “junior” (and not in an affectionate way).

I just figure they’re threatened and therefore trying to throw us off our game by making us feel insecure. Your best response is to ignore it and not allow it to work.

I’m not the biggest fan of those “michelin man” coats… but your preference is your preference. There’s this other one, that’s extremely similar to the one you posted but the puffs arent as “puffy”. And similar price:

I’m wearing more skirts this winter, but I’m having trouble figuring out tight colors. In the summer, I mostly wear nude hose or nothing on my legs. I don’t know what tights to wear when I don’t want the tights or their color to be part of the outfit (if that makes sense). I’m white, so brown tights don’t acheive this look for me.

Also, my husband and I bought our first house last weekend and are going to be unpacking and organizing this weekend. Anything you wish you’d done (or hadn’t done) when moving into your house?

When moving in–ask yourself the last time you used a specific item. If you weren’t sure if you wanted to keep it before you moved, and now you’re not sure you want to keep it, put it in a special box, set aside and wait six months. If you still haven’t used it, unless it’s something seasonal like camping stuff, toss it. I have recently gotten rid of a ton of stuff that I thought I would use “someday” and my life and closets and cupboards are so much more streamlined. Don’t let your stuff own you.

Also, hire someone to do a super-deep clean if that wasn’t included in the escrow or a courtesy from the sellers–baseboards, above doors, miniblinds, etc…things that are icky but you don’t really notice until you notice…it’s so much nicer starting with a clean house.

I primarily wear black tights and black (or mostly black) shoes with any black/gray/jewel-colored dress. I also have navy and brown tights that I will occasionally wear with navy shoes and brown boots respectively when I’m wearing ivory, cream or camel clothing. Normally I match the tights to my shoes — I think that makes the tights blend into the outfit better.

Congrats on the house! Think about getting specialty cleanings done–carpets steamed, ducts and vents cleaned, etc. And keep a list of what you need to pick up as you are unpacking to save yourself trips to Target/hardware store.

As for the tights, I mainly wear black tights, but I also have navy, brown, and burgundy. I have some black tights with patterns and textures–my favorite are a pair of Hue tights with a chevron pattern that makes them a little thicker–and find those very versatile for business cas.

While I love tights, there are some colors/outfits they don’t go with. (I only wear black, brown or navy tights.) If I can’t make tights work with my outfit, I wear nude hose with knee-high boots for the same idea.

I have a business school admissions interview next week and was told to dress “business formal.” Given somewhat chilly weather in the 40s, is a pantsuit OK or would a skirtsuit be better? Planning on doing a pale pink button down underneath the jacket.

I did an Internet detox after staying with a friend who didn’t have wifi. I’m seriously loving the hours I have regained by not constantly Internet surfing. The downside is of course less time here. I just read back on some of this weeks posts and have to ask.

FamousCait – when you say you have used ALL your insurance policies except life, evac and long term, does this mean you used the K and R policy? If so, holy crap, glad it worked and I’d love to hear that story if you can tell it.

I’m packing for a conference out of town – the brochure says business casual, but I skew young, so I’m not sure whether I should just be packing suits, or if I can truly go business casual. It’s in a more conservative city clothing wise, which also leads me to think I should pack suits, but I really don’t want to be overdressed.

Ladies, I am curious. What kinds of pictures does everyone have for their work computer desktops? A colleague made a comment to me today about being on the corporate bandwagon (not in a good way) because my background is set to the default company logo and slogan. I never even really noticed it before but now I want something new! I’m single, no kids, and don’t want to put up a pic if my parents’ dogs or their cat. Any suggestions on where to find/browse nice photos online? And do you use your background as a conversation starter or is it something just for you?

Mine is the firm default. A long time ago I was having serious issues with the printer and a coworker sent me a screenshot from Officespace when they destroy the fax machine. I had that as my background until I left the company. It was a beyond casual all male (except for me) office so it was completely fine.

My home computer has a picture of pretty tulips. I just googled something like “tulip desktop background” and found it.

I have a ton of photos in a “Wallpaper” folder that my computer cycles through. It’s something new every day, which I love. I put my favourite vacation photos in that folder, and sometimes just go to interfacelift (great wallpapers photosharing site) on a downloading spree for new stuff to add to the collection.

Right now it’s a closeup of some glittery snow, which is making me miss Canada. I find it hard to get into the Christmas spirit in California with all these palm trees and sunshine (not that I am complaining).

I also love Interfacelift for landscape pictures that are beautiful, but not too cutesy. If you like space photos, NASA’s Astronomy Picture of the Day is great for amazing galaxies, nebulae, & c. Right now I have a picture of the Milky Way as my background. I wanted something that would make me happy when I saw it, but not be potentially embarrassing to explain to someone else. I follow a similar philosophy with my phone ringtones.

Funny! At home I do just what ExcelNinja does, but at work I don’t want to look like a mommy, so I stick with the default. For a professor, a photo of a group of students in a course-related activity or club related to the discipline is always good. Maybe you could do something similar, if you’re involved in company events.

I have a picture of Cookie Monster that says something like, “Today me will live in the moment, unless it is bad, then me will have cookie.” It’s gone up on giant projector screens at conferences while I load the presentation, and everyone gets a chuckle. And I sort of don’t care if they’re chuckling at me or with me, since I’m the one sharing vital knowledge that they need to take seriously, and can’t get the same information anywhere else. :-)

I changed it from a picture of a whale doing a trust fall on a rowboat after needing to explain why it was funny too many times.

I find a desktop calendar that I change every month. This month’s is from Katie: Normal Girl. Lots of design and photography websites offer free desktop backgrounds every month, so it keeps things interesting.

I have a rotating background of pictures I’ve taken while on vacation in Alaska. I love looking at them and it helps me curb my online shopping since every dollar I spend online shopping is a dollar not going into the vacation fund.

Does anyone have any tips/tricks/ideas for finding telecommute work? I am not thinking a few spare bucks, I am thinking in terms of an actual career job that is telecommuting. I know some companies offer these and others can be talked into such a set up, but how does one find and obtain these jobs? I’ve looked on the usual websites; monster, linkedin, etc. but I am wondering if there’s some better way that I just do not yet know about.

I am now in the market for a pair of basic, flat, knee high black boots. For weekend wear, not office wear, though I’d like them to be decently dressy. I know Belle on Cap Hill Style recommends Ciao Bella boots–does anyone here have experience with them? Which style? They are not overly expensive and I’m afraid they’ll look a bit cheap…

I tried them and sent them back. They looked cheap to me. I have been looking for boots for over two years and finally found a pair that I liked (although it took a few days to get me fully on board). I don’t have large calves, but it might be work a look! I got the Naturalizer Juletta boots. So comfy!

I like Blondo! They make great quality dressy-looking leather boots. AND they are waterproof and surprisingly tolerant of road salt, slush and ugly weather in general. I get loads of compliments on mine. The foot tends to be a bit narrow so consider sizing up.

Any tips on where or how to cope internally and how to clue friends in that I am interested in dating but want to date someone with a high income level? I never thought I would become someone who would consider money in the dating experience but I realize that is very important to me as I become older. I feel a little bit gold-digger sounding to myself and I worry my friends will think that too but is it so bad to want financial security from someone else if I cannot guarantee it for myself?

Talk about the importance of being secure and clarify what it means to you – When people hear that someone wants a high-income spouse they think “you just want to be kept in diamons and manolos” as opposed to “not wanting to lose the house to the bank and making sure the kids go to a good school” .

I’m in a similar boat to some egree and I tend to say that because of the way I grew up, I can’t do love and ramen has to be love and mac’n’cheese at the very least.

Yes, frankly I do think it sounds pretty bad. If nothing else, seeking someone specifically to float you financially could cloud your judgment of them as a partner and trap you once you’re dependent (it doesn’t help if you view it as dating “up”). I’d focus instead on plans to support yourself, and meet great people without screening based on their income.

Personally, too, I could never get over feeling like I was dating/having sex for pay if I approached relationships with the attitude you describe.

I understand this. I have a career that is satisfying emotionally but will never make me much money (especially over the years while I pay off my big student loans). I am dating too and, while I am not dating in order to find someone to cover my costs, I DO consider that aspect of a potential mate while in the world of dating.

Is it wrong to consider what the other person brings to the table, whether is it emotionally or financially?

(I am speaking in terms of someone who would need to take a 2nd job to ever buy a home that isn’t in the middle of nowhere or to afford a small annual vacation, I am not talking about someone who would shower me with diamonds, if that makes a difference.)

I know this is not a lawyer’s briefcase, but would you snicker at a pundit type who carried her papers and laptop in it? I’ve only seen it online, so can’t really tell if that’s a little pocket at the end (I hope it is), or the quality of leather or stitching. If you’ve seen it IRL,or a similar satchel that is well made, please comment!
http://www.thrillist.com/the-british-belt-company/bags/briefcases/antique-cruz-leather-briefcase/products/100115

Hi all–I had a situation happen on Thursday/Friday at work that I would love your thoughts and advice on. I’m taking the weekend to cool off and decide what to do, but would appreciate other viewpoints.

I work in a male-dominated industry, mostly for a boss who is legitimately egalitarian (i.e., not once have I ever seen him consider gender when evaluating anyone’s abilities).

So Thursday night, this boss, a male coworker who is roughly my peer and I were working together on a new business initiative. The male peer undermined me in a way that was subtle to the boss (though I saw what he was doing) in order to edge me out so that he could work on the project with the boss alone. The details aren’t that important, and I didn’t care enough to fight back and insist on working on this thing, so I let him “win.”

Cut to the next day, and coworker obviously feels guilty about what he did, because he stops by my office to make nice and pretend that he didn’t actually do that thing. I very quickly but directly let him know that I knew exactly what he did, and then dropped it. He then backpedaled and made a comment about me being “sensitive.” Again, I didn’t and don’t care enough about fighting over this particular assignment to even get into it with him. Then I overhear him warning our boss that he will need to take the assignment away from me diplomatically “because I’m just giving you a heads up that she’s really sensitive about this.”

I know that coworker is gaslighting and covering his own *ss by telling this version of events to our boss. Somehow he is threatened and I guess feels he needs to make me look bad to make himself look better. I just don’t want the boss to believe him that a) I am not committed enough to stay late working on a project, and b) that I have to be handled because I am “sensitive” which is an out and out lie.

I am not going to say anything else to the coworker about any of it, because there is no upside for me. I know now he’s a snake, and I will keep my enemies closer, etc. But what do I say to my boss? Is it dangerous to express my “concern” about the sexist “sensitive” comment because that’s not how boss runs his team? I want him to understand that coworker threw me under the bus without making things worse for myself.

If you’re really close to your boss, I’d simply tell him that you’re wondering what’s going on and summarize quickly – ie you saw Snake wanted to be alone on the assignment, didn’t see any point in fighting him for it, but didn’t see any point either in pretending you didn’t notice. Now this. You don’t want to deal with S but don’t want the boss to think you’re turning into a weirdo. Then let him draw his own conclusions, and leave it at that.
I’m not sure that S came to you because he was feeling guilty, I’d guess he wanted to check you’d continue to keep your mouth shut. This kind of psycho doesn’t usually ever feel any guilt :-).

I think your conduct has been spot-on and that you are taking away the right lesson in being alert to future bad behaviour by this co-worker.

In your boss’s position, I very much doubt if I would notice the change in staffing on this project, if it really as non-consequential as you describe. I wouldn’t really register your eagerness to participate, or not, if I know your plate is already reasonably full and your overall output is within expectations. Your colleague’s efforts to make a bigger song-and-dance about ‘internal sensitivity’ would register as an annoyance if I feel like my attention is being demanded by petty squabbling among my own staff, even if I had not registered the colleague’s initial maneuver to grab the project.

If you do have a private opportunity to speak to your boss as he ‘sensitively takes away the project’ from you, you could say ‘hey – you’ll be ok without my participation on this right? I stepped back because I know Co-worker really wanted to work on it but I’m really ok either way’. But I wouldn’t seek a separate opportunity just to say this.

Also, I’d avoid framing the behaviour as sexist – your Co-worker sounds like he would have done the same thing to someone else and attributed any problems to some other imagined aspect of the victim’s behaviour, maybe ‘possessive’ rather than ‘sensitive’.

As a boss, I would be suspicious of your co-worker’s comment. I’m sure your own boss noticed what’s going on and, like you, isn’t particularly invested in the project – at least not enough to spend time and energy to make sure it’s handled by 2 vs. 1. Most good bosses recognize opportunists like your co-worker; unfortunately it’s usually easier to ignore them and move along. If the co-worker’s tactics become more overt with time, someone will reign him in. I think you handled it the right way, and I suspect your boss silently took note.

Thanks guys. I’m pretty sure the boss did not notice what was going on. Coworker is a real manipulator and has boss’ ear for a number of reasons. Boss would not believe anything negative about him without major evidence. The project is a big deal, and boss considers it such, it’s just not my style to have a dogfight in front of boss over an assignment. Maybe I’m naive, but I think I’m better than that.

In any case, I think I have resigned myself to not saying anything to anybody. I will rise above and let my reputation and track record speak for themselves. I may enjoy letting coworker sweat a bit knowing that he has burned a bridge with me and I have not (yet) retaliated.

How much bling is appropriate for an office watch? I had my eye on a starter Bulova stainless model and ended up getting it while my husband bought me a much more blingy version. Although I love the way it looks, I’m not sure it’s appropriate to wear to work. If we had a meeting and I showed up wearing this watch, http://imagecdn-3.findnsave.com/305/3034511-420, what would your initial impression be? I’m an academic at the vice dean, if that makes a difference.

It depends somewhat on the size. How big is this watch? I wear a somewhat similar diamond watch almost every day, but it’s quite small and I don’t feel like it’s “blingy” so much as “bracelety.” Now if the face of the watch is as big as your head, it might be a little OTT.