One of my favorite things to do late at night is to watch or listen to YouTube videos in bed. Well...rewind to last night and I'm lying in bed in the dark with my headphones on and I feel something funny on the right side of my jaw. No big deal I thought, it's just the wires to my headphones rubbing against my face so I swat it away. Two seconds later it happens again...this time on my neck. After the second time I immediately get pissed off because I know what it is now. I swat away like crazy, bolt out of bed, turn on the lights, pull back the bed sheets, and there's a roach...thank the Lord I killed it or I would have been awake literally all night long looking for it. It just pisses me off because it's not the first time this has happened. I can't get the home gassed by pest control because I just live here....damn!

That's one of my favs, too - I watch ASMR videos.

I would FREAK the **** out if there was a roach on me! Thankfully, where I live, it's not common to have roaches. We do get spiders, though. I just don't do bugs lol.

I would FREAK the **** out if there was a roach on me! Thankfully, where I live, it's not common to have roaches. We do get spiders, though. I just don't do bugs lol.

ASMR videos sound interesting. I had to Google the definition of it first...heh. I normally listen to white noise like rainfall, fan noise, etc but there can't be harm in branching out and trying something new to see if it works, so I'll pick a random ASMR video and see if I like it.

I have earned three college degrees and am going for a big certification exam this year. I have accomplished this with little to no real friends to talk to or share activities with in the real world the whole time. Is it proof I don't need friends in my life or does it just show I have accomplished something good in spite of my social circumstances? I don't know.

I have earned three college degrees and am going for a big certification exam this year. I have accomplished this with little to no real friends to talk to or share activities with in the real world the whole time. Is it proof I don't need friends in my life or does it just show I have accomplished something good in spite of my social circumstances? I don't know.

That's quite an accomplishment! You should be proud of yourself. I would say you did it in spite of having no friends because humans are social animals - we need friends and social interaction.

I feel sad today, but that's starting to become an everyday thing. I officially have no friends at all because I push everyone away - I am afraid of letting people get close to me. I also keep attracting the wrong people into my life because I am not being myself; I present a fake version. I have a lot of homework to do which I keep procrastinating on - it feels like a noose around my neck. My work schedule got ****ed up and I am scheduled to work on school days starting in March - I hope they will fix it. I wish I had the luxury of not working and just attending college full time.

I want to sleep all day or run away from my problems, but that's not going to fix them. At least I am driving more now - that's good. Hopefully I will be a real adult with my own means of transportation by next month, but I have said this before and failed, so we'll see.

rats have eaten bait in the ceiling and have all died - inaccessible to retrieve and the stench of dead bodies is overwhelming esp above my bed .

Omg that sounds horrible, grapevine. Can you find someone to retrieve them?

I remember once living in a really old house that had a mice problem and they had babies in a drawer in the kitchen. I was horrified! I had no idea they were so invasive! I am very careful now about open doors too long and if I do trap I use those sticky ones or the metal bait traps in more prominent areas so I can dispose of them easier.

That's a good question... I guess happiness, for me, is not hating myself. More specifically, hating the way I look - being able to wake up and not be instantly struck with painful disappointment that I am not prettier or of better circumstance. That had happened a few times and I have to say, it was ****ing nice to feel pretty.

Apart from that, I am lonely. I hate admitting it because I feel like it makes me weak - I even tried to convince myself that I didn't want a boyfriend, but I do. I don't want to be thirsty; desperate for anyone who comes my way - it has to be right. I just miss waking up next to someone who I know loves me - they can see me in a way I can't see myself. A best friend and lover to go on adventures with - someone who is always on your team. Having it once makes it harder to live without. Those two things would make me very happy.

I want to be wanted, liked, respected, and thought highly of by others, but more so I want to be able to look at myself from the outside and see myself as someone who I would desire, want, like, respect, and think highly of.

Liking who I am is most important, and in instances that I do others liking me as well is a bonus. When I don't, others liking me is meaningless. It's like failing a test and being told you did an amazing job. I didn't do an amazing job. I have to get an A before praise for my score would be significant.

I think it's a reason I isolate myself a lot and I just lock out the rest of the world a lot, I feel like I am a failing grade. I don't want to be disliked for it, but I also don't want to be praised for something that deserves no praise. If those are the only two outcomes, it feels like I should keep my grade to myself until I bring it up.

The morning of Feb. 6th, so I'm where I'm supposed to be for my Red Cross CPR/AED certification class with about 4 other people. There's a plastic CPR dummy on the far table, with two other tables nearby to form a U-shape, so we all sit down where the instructor-lady can see us. Then the CPR instructor gets everyone's attention and says she needs to see each of our printed forms before the class begins that proves we took and completed the online portion of the class. I gave a "deer in the headlights" look and...long story short had to reschedule because I didn't know about the online portion of the class like everyone else did.

This is a perfect illustration of my social anxiety. Being afraid to step out of my comfort zone for fear of looking like the fool in front of everyone.

It ends on a happy ending though: I'm rescheduled on another day off from work and I don't have to pay again.

The lesson I learned: Making progress in life doesn't mean neat, orderly steps without making huge mistakes. Next time, I'm checking my email after paying online for something.