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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

On being vulnerable...

I was friends with “Hannah” for two years. Nearly every day
for two years we would go on walks together. We’d walk and talk about our
lives. I knew Hannah’s entire family, and Hannah knew everything about me.

I gauge my love of people by a “kidney test.” I ask myself “If
that person needed my kidney, would I give it to them?” I would have given
Hannah my kidney. Actually, both of them.

One (or both) of these could be yours!

Then, I got divorced. We went for a walk and I told Hannah I
was divorcing my then husband. And soon after – Hannah just stopped talking to me. Hannah exiting our friendship remains one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me. When I
asked Hannah what I’d done to her, she told me “I don’t agree with your choices.”

Hannah was the last time I ever let myself get close to a
new friend. Since her, no new friend has ever passed the kidney test. It’s been
five years.

If ever there lived a researcher who is likely my life twin,
it would be Brene Brown.

I watched Brene's video once, and I didn’t get it. So I watched
the video again, and a little bit more sunk in. Then I watched the video a
third time, and had an emotional breakdown.

The crux of the video is that the happiest people are vulnerable.
And vulnerable people are courageous. And courageous people are those that live
whole-hardheartedly. And people that are whole-hearted put all of themselves into
what they do.

Vulnerable I was not. I sit behind a computer screen all day
typing and playing with data. In person, I tell people personal things in an
attempt to connect. But if I’m honest – really honest – my bags are always
packed. And the sad thing about packed bags is that they always leave you feeling
a little lonely.

Then, Brene Brown happened.

When I worked in Detroit I fell in love
(co-worker love) with a woman name Ashley. If you’ve ever met Ashley, you
love her too. It is impossible not to love her. And you love Ashley – because every
moment you’re with her you get 100%. Ashley loves you, she loves life – and most
importantly – she loves herself. She is beautifully confident in the fact that
she is an amazing person (and she is… oh she is).

So I bought Brene’s book, and I’ve watched her video a fourth
and fifth and sixth time. My goal – was to be my own version of Ashley. I’ve
spent the last several months trying to be more vulnerable, and trying harder
to connect with people.

The lynch pin of being vulnerable comes from one key thought –
that you need to be resilient to shame. Shame is when you feel bad about who
you are. Shame is the belief that we are unworthy of love and belonging. According to Brene, "The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it."

Hannah broke me. I’d never had a friend get so close, and
then leave. And since her, I’ve spent every encounter keeping myself a safe
distance from everyone. If Hannah could just leave one day because she didn’t
like my choices, who else would just leave? Maybe I'm just not good enough?

But if I want to feel connected, I can't continue to live the lie of thinking that I'm not good enough. I have to move on.

So a few nights ago I made cupcakes for my co-workers. I’m trying
harder to get to know them. But when I tried one of the cupcakes, the damn
ganache settled to the bottom in a sloppy mess.

My first thought was, “I can’t give this to people.”

My deeper thought was, “Because if these aren’t perfect
people will be upset.”

But my real thought was, “And if these aren’t perfect, then I’m
not perfect. And if I’m not perfect people won’t love me.”

Then I thought of the book. And then I thought of living with my whole heart.
And then I thought of shame resilience. And then I served my co-workers the cupcakes anyways, and
mentioned that the ganache wasn’t perfect but that the frosting was.

And with a cupcake, a layer of shame came off. My resilience
was built up. One more shirt was taken out of the suitcase.

I don't know what's next, but I know I'm going to keep trying - because I am worthy.