Archived

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

It
seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these
days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and
craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming
Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I
am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m
here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a
shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter
something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political
correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.

Bookstores

It
is often said that bookstores are a marvellous place to meet women. I
don’t
know who said this, and maybe it’s true, but what kind of a way is that
to phrase something? Marvellous? Who the hell do you think you are, Jay
Gatsby? But hey, follow these rules while in a bookstore and women will
probably be swarming all over you.

DO
Sit in one of the chairs.I’ve seen that some fancy bookstores have
armchairs people can sit in and read a book. I don’t understand it. Who
is going to go to a bookstore and sit there reading in the middle of
the aisle while guys in hemp shirts and twisty little beards whisk past
you every few minutes looking for books on mushroom cultivation? So go
ahead and sit there if you want to, maybe a woman will wonder the same
thing I did and ask you why you're sitting there. I doubt it though.

DON’T
Browse in the Games & Computers section. No woman is going to be
impressed if they catch you perusing a copy of “How to Win at Online
Poker”, "The Ultimate History of Video Games" or the Mass Effect
strategy guide. Well I guess maybe some might. If you are one of these
women, please contact me immediately because I do not believe you
exist.

DOSpend
a little time to the Gay and Lesbian section. Check out a few books to
show that you don’t discriminate. Just be careful not to seem too
interested. Pick up a book, casually flip through it, and say aloud,
“Hmm, all of these homosexuals certainly do lead difficult and
complicated lives. I respect them and recognize them as human beings
and believe in their rights, but not to the extent that I would be
interested in engaging in intercourse with any of them, even though it
would be completely moral and ethical for me to decide to do so. Boy,
do I ever like women.” Then (gently) throw the book back onto the
shelf.

DO Keep out of the science fiction section. Just keep out of there.

The County Fair

All’s
fair at the fair! Isn’t that a cute phrase? The answer is no. It is
not. You had better not go around saying things like that around women
or you’ll be killed. Check out these ladymeet tips for the fair.

DON’T
Go to the fair all by yourself. Nothing looks more pathetic than a man
walking around a fair by himself. What a loser! Oh, what are you gonna
do today? Try to get the goats at the petting zoo to eat soup cans
until their handlers kick you out? Stop by the arcade and waste two dollars
trying to play a broken version of Top Skater? Or maybe you’ll go and
ride the tunnel of love all by yourself and come out the other side
rubbing your eyes and no you weren’t crying because two identical
pieces of dirt got into both of your eyes at the exact same moment
while you were inside and you were just trying to get them out OK so
why don’t I lay off just lay off?

DO
Offer to win a girl a prize at the Hammer & Bell game. As you
wander through the game section of the fair, you might notice a cadre
of giggling girls near the strength-testing Hammer & Bell game.
Simply walk up to a girl from one of these groups and say, “Pardon me
little missy, perhaps you’d like me to win you a shiny new dolly by
hitting this particular device with a mallet, thereby propelling a
rubber bullet upwards and causing a bell to ring?” When she replies
with “Uh, I’m twenty-seven years old, and why the hell are you talking
like that? Get away from me.” shout “Never fear!” and heft the mallet
over your head. The women should walk away and you will have tried your
best.

DON’T
Hit on any of the farm girls who’ve brought livestock to any of the
animal competitions. These women might seem cute and bubbly, but many
of them are vicious murdering Black Widow Spiders who want only to
seduce a man and hollow him out to in order that she might live inside
him during the frigid Midwestern winter. Haven’t you seen that movie
Cocoon? Me either. I bet it was pretty scary.

DO Bribe
the ferris wheel operator to stop the wheel when your car is at
the top. It is also your responsibility to ensure there is a woman in
the car with you at this point. Now she will be a captive audience, and
you can begin to charm her. Perform coin tricks; tell knock-knock
jokes, sing the theme songs to early 90s sitcoms, do whatever you need
to do. Obviously she will not be able to leave, and so will have to
decide between giving you her phone number or plummeting 200 feet to
her death. I usually find that there’s an 80% chance you’ll get her
number this way.

Also make sure you have a look at PART 2 in this series, where you'll learn
even more (less) about dating and ladies and other pretty things.