9 Steps To Heal From Betrayal Trauma

If you’ve spent years stuck in cycles of your husband’s abuse & addiction, this checklist will save you from years more. At BTR, abuse means lies, porn use, infidelity, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and narcissistic behaviors. This list will help you create an emotionally safe home.

In order to create safety, we recommend taking another woman with you who understands the abusive nature of porn if / when you talk to clergy or a therapist about your husband’s abuse & infidelity. If they don’t believe you or prove themselves unsafe in any way, seek help elsewhere.

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“I was a mess, trying to make sense of what happened, and I just couldn’t. I sought help from every possible source. I saw a few different therapists . . . I ended up re-traumatized more than once because of some of the things I was told by other professionals. But, Coach Sarah got it. She gave me the best help of all.”

L, Texas, USA

Step 2: Make A Daily Self-care Plan

Start small! Step outside and take a breath of fresh air. Get the nutrition and sleep you need. Focus on meeting your own emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs. Allow yourself to receive love, validation, and answers from safe and supportive people.

Step 3: Schedule An Appointment With Your OB-GYN Or Midwife

Get tested for all STD’s, even if your husband tells you he’s only used pornography. Request a full-panel STD workup every year with your annual physical. This step can feel unnecessary or dramatic. However, it’s a necessary step because sometimes pornography use is just the tip of the iceberg. It will give you objective information you need to make decisions.

Step 4: Establish A Safe Network

Build a support network of safe family, friends, and professionals. Join our daily, online group sessions in multiple time zones. Learn the principles and tools you need to make progress toward a truly peaceful life.

Step 5: Don't Try To Identify The Cause Of His Abusive Behaviors

Understanding the source of his porn use or anger (shame, trauma, personality disorders, addiction, etc.) doesn’t make a significant difference in how those behaviors affect you. Seeking the source won’t empower you to stop it or heal from the trauma – it only keeps you in harm’s way.

Too many professionals & clergy provide counsel without holding the perpetrator accountable for his abuse & infidelity, minimizing the seriousness of his behavior. In the interim, consider communicating with your husband’s therapist or clergy only to report specific abusive behaviors, including: lying, porn use, and verbal abuse, taking a safe woman with you to reduce the likelihood of the appointment causing further trauma.

Until your husband can make and maintain non-abusive thought processes without resentment toward you, hold boundaries to keep yourself safe. If he exhibits the following behaviors, it’s a sign he is capable of sharing your emotionally safe home . . .

Honest and humble

Willingness to meet your needs without anger, resentment, or retaliation

Step 9: Be Kind To Yourself

As a victim of abuse and infidelity, baby steps count! When the pain is intense and survival feels overwhelming, remember that an entire army of other women have survived this experience—and YOU WILL TOO. We know, because we’ve been there, and we believe in you!