It’s Monday – the first day of a new week and the new chance of starting all over again. And since Sunday also marked the start of a new month I’d say we have a lot of chances to start something new and to finish with old stuff. Stuff we dragged behind us; stuff we know we should have finished ages ago and stuff we tried to keep off or minds but that kept appearing over and over again.

Right now my best friend K is sitting right beside me. She lives with me until Wednesday because that will be the day when she leaves Vienna to go back to her home country. For her, it is time to start a new chapter and so there will be three new chapters in both our lives – a new chapter for her, a new chapter for myself and a new chapter we share full of adventures we live through together even though we will live miles and miles apart from now on.

But I won’t be too sad about it or dramatic or heartbroken or will say good-bye for one time because we will see each other again as often as possible and our friendship will remain as intense and important as it has been before. Boarders should never stop people to be friends.

So – for us there will never be a final sentence, or a final page, or a final chapter. For us, there will always be a new day to meet life with an open mind and an adventurous attitude.

What should have been just an update to my profile page on Facebook turned out to be something that haunted me the whole day – You can’t have everything that you want…

I met with my sister because she wasn’t feeling well and we picked up something from McDonalds – I just had some ice cream and she ate some chicken nuggets. We sat there at the Danube talking about the last couple of days and after several changes of topics we came to talk about dreams. Lost dreams. Dreams we have. Dreams we can’t give up. Dreams one has to give up. And then she said, ‘One can’t have everything that one wants…’ I look at her and wonder, ‘Is that really what you think?’

I met with K afterwards for a little swim and enjoying the sun and now as it goes down I sit here watching the sun gently kissing the water to wave the day goodbye and I get calm. It’s the perfect sunset. It was a good day. But I couldn’t relax completely because this thought kept working inside me. It’s the perfect moment, here with friends and a little bit of peace. It is time to think about it – the sentence that haunts me the whole day long and won’t let me go. Really shaking me to my core.

You can’t have everything that you want.

You can’t have everything that you want.

You can’t have everything that you want.

And as I look up from my MacBook facing the beautiful Danube landscape I realize that this is all just bullshit. I smile watching the wind drawing circles in the water while my thoughts are drawing circles in my mind. If people already know they can’t have something particular because, well, as they say you can’t have everything that you want, why do some of them still try to get it? Everything. Why don’t they just give up? Why don’t they just leave all their dreams behind settling for something ordinary that one day will make them tired because they regret never having tried to reach for that one special feeling that makes you feel like you are the biggest star shining on the black horizon suddenly helping it to glow with joy and glory and love?

You can have everything that you want.

You can have everything that you want.

You CAN have everything that you want!

You just have to work for it and sometimes you’ll have to work for it really hard. And sometimes you will be exhausted. And sometimes you will think about giving up. But if you don’t; if you never dare to give in you can get it all. Every dream – may it be the biggest dream one could even draw in his imaginative mind. It will come alive one day. Because with hard work, patience, dedication, determination and love one can have it all.

So, if someone tells you that you can’t have everything that you want – just stand up straight, put your chin up, look them straight in the eye and say, ‘I can and I will.’ And work for it. And live for it. And dream about it. Every single day of your life and one day you’ll wake up realizing that you’ll have achieved every goal you’ve reached for. And then you will get up in the morning and if you really are a dreamer there will be a new dream to reach for, live for, work for. And you will. Because deep in your heart you know that YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT! And you will.

Quite recently I engage myself with the matters of religious beliefs and whether one god or many gods or no gods at all really exist. Or, if all this belief was just created as a constitution to tame and order people into a system where they can be controlled and where they give up all their own spaces, all their freedom of speaking and thinking to give someone a certain amount of power (not just the pope and his co-workers but also a invisible figures who are ‘watching’ us from above or anywhere they are) they never should have received in the first place?

I consider myself as an atheist – I neither do believe in god nor any kind of spirit guiding us or watching over us or creating divine rules for our lives or whatsoever nonsense the churches around the world are praying to a lot of people who silently take most their words for granted and for heavenly law. Supporting my engagement with the matter I bought ‘the Portable Atheist – ESSENTIAL READINGS FOR THE NONBELIEVER‘ selected and with introductions by Christopher Hitchens who is the other of the New York Times #1 bestseller ‘GOD IS NOT GREAT.’

I often wonder why people are always referring to a god (often one in particular) as being thankful for being gifted with something when having achieved or reached a certain life- or mind-changing goal? Is it factitious humidity or is it because people expect them to have a certain belief awaiting sentences like, ‘…and I want to thank god for blessing me,’ or, ‘First, I want to thank god for bringing me here…’
Why can’t people just leave the humidity behind admitting that they are where they are because they worked hard for achieving something, for being where they are, for standing where they stand? Why do people have to give everything they own into the hands of someone who doesn’t even consider us worthy enough to walk amongst us denying us the gift of peace and freedom as unique personalities? If god is so great where is he (or, she or, it or, whatever one wants to believe in) when children are being murdered or when the poor are starving from hunger or when a child loses a mother; a wife her husband; a husband his wife? To put it into the perfectly and wisely chosen words of Christopher Hitchens, ‘What kind of designer or creator is so wasteful and capricious and approximate? What kind of designer or creator is so cruel and indifferent? And – most of all – what kind of designer or creator only chooses to ‘reveal’ himself to semi-stupified peasants in desert regions?’

I am just at the beginning of my research and I will have a lot to learn about the non-existence of gods and of superstitious beliefs that developed throughout centuries and millenniums but I consider myself lucky for having a free spirited mind and for taking my life into my own hands believing in nothing but science and myself AND above all, the people around me. Those who are real and those who follow their dreams. And, if you wonder about where I turn to when some days show their darkest sides then I have to say no one but to my own strength to have a happy, fulfilled life and my dear, dear friends who are always there – if not with words of consolation at least with their hearts and their minds.

I have read somewhere that self-reflection is the best way to get to know oneself better. Well, I might add ‘honest’. Honest self-reflection is the best way to get to know oneself better. So much better. At least that’s what they say. Though, I can’t remember who ‘they’ exactly was. Maybe it was a magazine, maybe it was a blog, maybe it was just something my mind made me do because I haven’t had something else to do or say or write about. So here I sit, listening to music and trying to think clearly about who I am and what kind of features form my personality and my character. So here it goes. Here’s what I think.

A like ambivalent.
B like boisterous.
C like cynical.

(Here I take a break right after the third letter wondering if it could get any worse. I think I am not quite making friends writing this down. And, I also believe I might not be very good with self-reflection. Exercising introspection and being willing to learn more about my fundamental nature seems harder than I thought it would be. Who am I actually?)

D like driven.
E like eclectic.
F like fashion-conscious.

(Ha! How arrogant would have it been if I’d called myself fashionable? But no, I made tracks so fashionably I can’t believe my own sharpness.)

G like generous.
H like honest.
I like ill-humored.

(Like very often. Not every single day but still a lot of days in between those single days. Ah, drew it. Who am I kidding – I am single so all my days are single too. So, yes, okay. You won. I am a cranky bitch. Sometimes.)

J like judicious.
K like knotty.
L like lettered.
M like modest.
N like neurotic.
O like organized.
P like purposeful.
Q like quirky.
R like rational.S like sharp.

T like traditional.
U like understanding.
V like vicious.
W like witty.

(More like funny rather than ingenious but I bet my friends would agree on me handling both pretty well. They will tell you themselves as soon as I uncage them.)

X like x-rated.
Y like youthful.
Z like zestful.

So, now that I have done such an inspiring act of trying to analyze myself you might want to try it out for yourself. So go on. Do it, give it a try and see for yourself how hard it is to get to know oneself pinpointing to just one strong adjective that could describe you.

You know this feeling that instantly sets in when the sun is shining a bit heavier than usual right after winter time almost seems to be over? It is more than just a simple feeling – it is a yearning. A yearning for something that seems to be arriving so soon but for us can’t arrive soon enough. I have this right now. It is not just about the upcoming spring and its sensational wardrobe that becomes available to me as soon as the temperatures are up. No, it is more. Way more. It is the first ray of sun in the morning when getting up realizing it is finally bright outside and not everything turned into a very dark shade of what we use to call winter time. It is the first time of wearing a blazer without a trench coat (even though I have dedicated my life to wearing trench coats) – or without the necessary feeling of cold when leaving the trench coat at home for styling reasons even though the temperatures are way beyond minus outside.

So, this is not just a post to acknowledge that spring is finally coming but also a mockup of three things I am looking forward to right now while sitting at Starbucks drinking my usual triple grande extra hot soy latte macchiato. Ladies and Gentleman. It is official – Spring is coming!

#03 Spring, oh Spring, How Beautiful and Bright Art Thou in Fashion!
My personal spring starts exactly at the moment when all the Burberry Stores around the globe start to unpack the newly arrived collections. That wonderful moment when you walk by a shop window and you realize, “HA! that is the new coat I saw at the show. It is finally here.” And your heart beats high and your pulse raises and your credit card is in a very dangerous place from now on. Wherever it is when it is close to you.

#02 Where Music Makes a Heart Burn Like Fire
A place so sweet and safe and secure and sound. A place where it is only you and a fabulous band. Just like Scars on 45. After their brilliant release of their first EP Give me Something which made the cut of becoming the title track of Grey’s Anatomy’s 4th Soundtrack, they previously released their second EP Heart on Fire. And let me tell you one thing – it is even more special, glorious and incredibly beautiful. So, what I am looking for is not just their first album which should arrive very, very soon (April 10th), but also I am looking forward to see this fantastic British band develop further becoming majorly successful in the music business!

When you’re standing on your own
And you feel you’ve got nobody round you
Yeah you know I’ll be the one who helps you from your knees
My hearts on fire
My hearts on fire

#01 Summer Loving Had Me a Blast
No, I am definitely not talking about falling in love or flirting a lot this summer. I am talking about enjoying the most glorious of all summers with my dearest friends. Those who stood by me every time I needed them and those who can always count on me whenever they need me. So this summer is all about making plans with those who I cherish and love the most. Guys – this summer, this year is going to be one of the best of our lives!#

So – the only question left for being spoken out loud: “Guys, what are your top three things you are looking forward to?”

Given the circumstances of people around me recently getting disappointed or their heart broken by significant other’s I thought it might be time to cheer them up and show them not just my affection but that I am ALWAYS (in capital letters!) there for them whenever they need me. And, another thing that might help is the knowledge of the existence of people everywhere getting their heart broken almost any minute but most of them get back up, hold their heads up high and their hearts wide open to put themselves out there in order to one day find someone who knows they are worth fighting for. (And worth being the only one to date or fuck or touch at all.)

In the end… all that a heartbreak mostly results in is pain and tears and emotional wasteland. But, with these songs, with a little help of your friends, with a lot of screaming and allowing yourself being angry and hurt you will be the one who stands up tall and eased and self-confident because you know you are stronger by going through the hard times. By working it out. By making yourself realize that if someone breaks up with you – he/she does not deserve it and isn’t worth the tears.

XOXO

Mr.StrictlyIntimate

P.S.: Those who I call my friends know one things – no matter what time it is, no matter how far away I am – I am ALWAYS (again, with the capital letters) there for you.

It is times like these when certain people somehow surprise you… After I injured myself on Friday (Cast because of a triple ligament rupture) and have to face lying down in bed 24 / 7 it sounds reasonable that I have grown to ignore my social life concentrating on working and writing (and watching movies) because these are the only things I can do while lying trying not to strain my leg.
I have a lot of friends (even a fortune cookie once told me ‘Your greatest luck is the great number of friends you have’) and I am so happy that I have these for I can always call them when I am lonely (though I never do because I hate admitting it to myself when I am lonely); they come around when I need them (for instance now that I am alone at home facing my cast and a little bit of pain – but I am too proud to actually ask for help but it is somehow quite comforting to know one is there when you need someone)… they simply call because they want to know how I feel. I guess that is reassuring and that is a great luck in life I am very thankful for.

Today M came to visit me and I was hugely surprised that he came with a Starbucks… actually the one I always love to drink. He simply knew it and it is weird but it really made me blush because I was so surprised and here comes the other unbelievably nice thing: He bought a Thermos bottle to keep the coffee warm. I know a lot of people might think ‘come on, it is just coffee’ but hell to the NO it isn’t just coffee – it is a gesture of a friend who really cares and who really seems to know me. Remember: if one knows how you drink your coffee he knows everything about you.

After a long talk about the last weeks we haven’t seen each other we rapidly crossed every chapter to come across the one that was really interesting because there have been a few changes in M’s life for he now seems to have a boyfriend. And I did not think it was right somehow. But it is a long story and he knows my opinion on it and I think this isn’t something I should discuss here – it is none of my business and he will sort it out all by him pretty little self. He is a strong, confident guy. So he can take it all.

But one thing I have to say: If you feel alone sometimes… if you feel lost… all by yourself… with no one to turn to. Before you think of stepping into a relationship because of loneliness and not because of love – it is not right. Not the slightest. Never forget: if one has friends he is never alone. Never. Because they will always be there when you are down to build you up – when you face a low they will make you high – when it feels like you have dropped from a ten story building they will carry you up those thousands of steps to get you back where you fell from just so you can start again – over and over and over. That is why friends are there for you. That is, my dear M, why I will always be there for you!

Love of the Moment.

Since I can remember being able to connect the terms fashion and wedding I was able to only think about one person to personify both terms perfectly, romantically and naturally. Vera Wang. Ever since I had the dream of having my own wedding I imagined myself in a custom made Vera Wang suit and yet, though I know Vera only creates the most immaculate dresses for one of the most spectacular and beautiful day in a woman's life I also know that one very day I will be walking down the aisle in a custom made, white, silk Vera Wang suit looking at the man I am about to marry knowing that this is not just the most wonderful moment of my life but also the most memorable and most fashionable.

Vera Wang Spring 2012 Bridal Couture - Dress: Harper (front)

Vera Wang Spring 2012 Bridal Couture - Dress: Harper (back)

I would have never thought that I could imagine someone at their own wedding NOT dressed up in white but the moment I saw this dress (Harper) in Vera Wang's Spring/Summer 2012 fashion show I just knew it was right. The fabrics, the color, the texture, the shape - the whole look is immaculately perfect!

'This strapless mermaid gown with its trapunto-stitched bustier, the playful back bow and the multi-tiered back bustle with cascading two-toned floral embroidery is just the one dress you want to put on and never give away.' I can imagine my best friend in this dress. Turning around in the mirror know that this is so right. So beautiful. So unique. It is a magnificent equilibrium of playful charm meeting elegance dignity. It is special yet absolutely wearable. It is the dream of a dress!