Monday, March 2, 2015

You're Ready for Spring, You Say

Well, it's March. This weekend, we'll move the clocks forward. Days will be longer. School will be out for spring break. Baseball season will be in full swing. Store shelves will be laden with Easter fineries and chocolate bunnies. Crickets will start to chirp again. Trees will begin to leaf out and green will start to spread across the earth.

I know I'm in the minority here. No, I take that back.....perhaps, I stand all alone here, but I'm not scared. This changing of seasons does not stir any level of excitement within me. There....I said it.

Sure, I'll admit that those early spring days are enticing. Those mid-60's, low 70's days with their tweeting birds and budding flowers and gentle breezes. They're just bait. Don't fall for it. They're kind of like the sketchy man handing out candy from his blue van with no windows....the one that our mothers warned us about. Sure, the candy looks good, but the long, bony fingers of the southern heat will have you in a sizzling grip as soon as you get close to it.

My disdain for the hot weather is nothing new. Even as a child, I dreaded the heat. My head would pound as I'd pedal through the neighborhood. I could feel my pulse in my eyeballs. Riding on the white, vinyl seats of our Ford was just slightly more comfortable than sitting on a bed of hot coals. There wasn't enough Kool-aid on the block to quench the thirst of that Mississippi heat.....even the water from the hose was hot. There was nowhere to escape it. If you went inside, you'd be asked to vacuum, so you stuck it out in on your scalding banana seat in your cut off blue jeans and red Keds, all moist with sweat.

I know that most of you feel quite the opposite. I've seen your derogatory posts about winter. Your death threats against Elsa. Your attempts to have her arrested have not gone unnoticed. I've seen the phrase "Over it" written across more winter scenes than I can count. I've heard your laughing as Madea cocks her gun and dares us to say "Snow" one more time. You're so tired of dreary, cold days. You're ready to move past sweaters and boots and snow. I can understand that.

Yeah, I see your endless postings of beach chairs, flip flops, drinks with umbrellas, and blue water. I see the countdowns to your beach vacations. I see the cute swimsuits you share. You can't wait. I know. I know. I know.

I can see how you could be seduced by the mild warmth of spring, but let's review our glossary of warm weather terms that, perhaps, you have forgotten in all of your romanticizing of summer:

1) MOSQUITOS- large, birdlike, blood-sucking insects, known to grow as big as seagulls in the South, whose life's work it is to torment each person who enters their domain, the outdoors, and suck blood from multiple injection sites, leaving behind large, itching bumps the size of shooter marbles that will cause the victim to scratch all the way down to their skeletal systems. Also known as the state bird in some southern states.

2)WASPS- a stinging insect who offers nothing good to the world. Nothing. They are flying servants of Satan. See also FLIES, FLEAS, AND FIREANTS.

3) SNAKES- the most feared of all animals which wake from their winter slumber and dare you to step on them and, even if you don't, they'll claim you did. Be careful in believing the lie that snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them. Of all the animals, the Devil chose to appear as the snake. The prosecution rests.

4) SUNBURN- a costly mistake that causes its victim to experience the paradox of a throbbing burning and relentless chills all at once and when finally healed, causes skin to fall away from the body in most unattractive patterns as a molting snake. See also HEAT RASH, SUN POSONING, SUNSPOTS, AND RAZOR BUMPS.

5) HUMIDITY- a condition of moisture in the air causing it to feel 100 times heavier and more oppressive than usual thus making it difficult for adequate respiration to occur.

6) SWEAT- moisture released from the body in extreme heat, rolling down faces, backs, necks, hair, bends of elbows, backs of knees, and anywhere else it darn well pleases. It is also noted as the most overused and exaggerated bodily function in movies set in the South. See also DEHYDRATION.

7) POLLEN- the yellow poison of suffering causing its victims a wide array of symptoms such as itching, sneezing, watering eyes, sore throat, and longing for the sweet release of death.

8) POISON OAK- a flesh eating plant which spreads its rot by oozing and irresistible itching.

9) GRASS MOWING- a chore required every six days from the very first hint of spring until Halloween in the South. Failure to complete the task on time can cause whispering in the neighborhood.

10) HEAT INDEX- how hot the air actually feels, which is calculated by taking the current temp, multiplying it by 3, and adding 20 additional degrees if in the South.

11) SCORCHING PARKING LOTS- also known as desensitization training grounds for those who wish to seek employment in Death Valley or Hell.

12) WHITE LEGS DILEMA- what to do with all the exposed whiteness to reduce its offensiveness, short of appearing orange or acquiring skin cancer.

13) LONG DAYS- the seemingly incessant daylight, which causes its victims to ask, "Is it still today?" at approximately 7:00 pm each evening.

14) UNRELENTING SUN- that blazing ball of fire located just under 2 miles from Earth during the summer months and recedes each day at a pace slower than cold molasses.

15) TORNADOES- also known as a Tuesday in the South.

16) TICKS- those large, gray, bulging, blood-filled creatures, which hang on southern dogs like moss on an old oak tree.
17) BORED CHILDREN- that inexplicable irony when children, who hate school, get their long awaited break from it and can find nothing to do.

18) SHAVING- an optional winter activity, which becomes non-negotiable in the hotter months, necessitated by shorter, less concealing clothing.

19) SAND- an abrasive, natural material which, in the summer months, creeps into places where abrasive, natural materials ought not to be.

So, yeah, spring is coming. Y'all enjoy its doting courtship. Bringing you flowers. Taking you on beautiful afternoon strolls. Fanning you gently with its palm branches. Feeding you its juicy fruits. Whispering its promises in your ear.

Just don't get too used to it. It'll start taking you for granted before you know it. Turning off its cool charms. Making you hot under the collar. Burning you with its indifference. Ignoring your pleas. Making you a hot mess.

14 comments:

Those are all true, even in the Mid-Atlantic where I live! I am not a fan of heat and humidity at all! But spring, could we just have a summer of spring like weather? We are done, yes, and tired of the cold and snow and ice.

Bless you, Deanna.......I just can't relate being a Mississippi girl and all. I do know that too much of anything eventually wears us down. Our problem here is that spring lasts about 3 weeks and then we plunge straight into the dog days of summer. I suppose we all have our weather challenges!

We were twins separated at birth!! I've seen all of these posts where people are hating on the cold weather, but I dread summer worse than a yearly exam, which requires leg-shaving as well. I welcome a beach vacation, but with a well air-conditioned condo well in reach.

Two things to add to my summer hate list - 1. Hot flashes - You can only take off so many layers when you are sitting 4th row center in worship service. 2. Bras - An underwire only adds to the torture. And while bras are apparently not required in my local Walmart, being a good church girl, I just can't go without one without fear of immediate lightening strike.

Ok.....I'm still laughing at the yearly exam shaving! haha! Wow, you really do hate summer as much as I do! And you are so correct in pointing out my omissions! Yes, stripping beyond a certain point is usually frowned upon in the Lord's house and I believe that it must be a universal truth that bras are optional when visiting Wal-Mart!! You're hilarious, Carla :)

Yes!!!! Summers here in Phoenix is the pits!!!! Suppose to be in the mid 80s this weekend. We are enjoying a winter storm these past few days. Years ago one summer, I talked to a woman from the south complaining about the humidity and she said it wasn't bad at all. Reading this post, I realized the repressive heat is a lot different compared to here. What we have here though, is the high temperatures. Not much of a winter here and I'm worried about an early summer. Yuck! I hear ya Joni! Kathleen in Az

You're feeling my pain aren't you, Kathleen? We got to 80 on Wednesday and I thought I would die, so I'm in for a long summer! And yes, the humidity here is unreal........makes it feel so much hotter. Pure misery!

Joni, my face hurts from grinning so much as I read this hilarious post! I hope you are planning on writing a book--I will be first in line to buy it! You have quite a way with words, my dear!! Love, love, love it!!!

I can't help it - I prefer the heat to the freeze ... even in the south! But my husband would whole-heartedly endorse your words. Can I take a pass and dwell in fall? It's simply perfection here in the East TN mountains!

Yes, fall is awesome, too! The only problem is it only last 2 weeks in Mississippi, Missy June. Summer crowds it out! And yes.......East TN is absolutely spectacular in the fall! You are a lucky lady to live in the midst of all that beauty!!