tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199552402018-03-14T01:01:30.070-04:00Forgotten HerosI am a veteran of the 1983 Beirut Bombing that many people have never even heard of. For the past 22 years I have held back the anger that day has caused me. The fury that only a terrorist attack of that magnitude could possibly cause. I am here today, but 241 of this United States best are gone. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to educate the people of this nation about this attack on our troops so that one day, they will be remembered, as it should beSM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-63421129906155720872006-11-15T02:48:00.000-05:002006-11-15T02:54:42.305-05:00Treason?Here is the definition of Treason :<br /><b> <i> Related Topics<br />Schenck v. United States <br /><br />trea·son (trē'zən) <br />n.<br />Violation of allegiance toward one's country or sovereign, especially the betrayal of one's country by waging war against it or by consciously and purposely acting to aid its enemies.<br />A betrayal of trust or confidence.<br /></b></i><br /><br />Now if we take this literally then when an official of our own Government decided to ignore the message warning of the attack and act of treason was committed and it is punishable by death, in this case the death of 241 innocent men.<br />We need to let our government that we will not rest until this wrong has been righted.<br />Call or write your Reps today, tell them it is time to reopen the investigation, we can't turn our backs on acts of treason if we call ourselves Patriots. Now is the time to rise and be heard.<br />Steve<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-60655252364794502572006-11-15T01:44:00.000-05:002006-11-15T01:52:02.907-05:00Installment 2 of ManuscriptJust a note to all who are reading this, first it is unedited and will change many times. Second if it sells, 80 percent of the proceeds will go to the walk and other Beirut Veteran Charities.<br /><br /><b><br />I am going to tell my story out of sync a little, so I will start with December 1983, we had been back a few days and I was getting into the swing of drinking and forgetting.<br />Sure I was haunted by the death I saw but not as much as the message I found in the rubble. On the third or fourth day of the recovery operation, we were well past finding anyone still alive but we also were not going to leave anyone behind, I was working about three feet from the body we had just found. He was a young Marine, possibly an Officer due to having a .45, he had blonde hair and was clutching his .45 tightly, after we found him, we called Marines and Lebanese Red Crescent Workers to ID and remove the bodies. About day two or so it came down that we were not to remove bodies due to fears that we would become ill from diseases that can breed in the decomposing bodies in the brutal heat of Lebanon. So I went to work picking up what looked like personal effects, one piece of yellow NCR paper caught my eye. I bent to pick it up and could already see portions of the message. It was from Mobile CIA in country, I knew that because I was privy to all the call signs of every unit on the beach and even to those in Washington, D.C. .<br />I picked up the paper and read all of the message;<br />TO: CINCLANT, CINCEUR<br />FM: SHARKEY<br />SUBJ: POSSIBLE THREAT<br />Possible Syrian/Iranian hostilities against the US and other contingents of the MNF 10/22-10.24<br />Reliability high.<br /><br />After that the message ended and the bottom of the copy had been ripped in half, but I knew that if I was holding the yellow copy that it was sent from this Comm Shack and that would have been unusual, most traffic of this nature would have been sent from the MSSG Comm Center.<br />I turned back toward the Marine, I knew he thought the threat was real, he had his .45 clutched tightly in his hand, so tightly that he had slept with it under his head and now it was apart of him. That sight along with the message delivered a blow equal to a 300 lb blitzing lineman catching you off guard. The air went out of me and for the first time fear spilled in.<br />It was this that I drank to forget, the message and the blaring fact that someone in my own government had ignored this warning and now 241men were dead. It filled my dreams night after night, the moment I found that message, reading it, walking to the aid station and weeping with a Marine who had just found his best friend dead in the rubble. These images were to be my hell so I drank more and more but I could not wash them from my mind.<br />On one of my drinking occasions we were at a shipmates apartment, I drank tumblers of Seagrams with a whisper of 7-up after 5 or 6 I passed out on his couch and I guess I talked about the message in my sleep. Because after that day, he and others called me a traitor. I am told that I asked why we had allowed them to die, why my own country had killed these men. I guess even alcohol can not wash away the truth or stop your mouth from spouting it.<br />I was not the traitor, the traitor lay hidden somewhere in the upper chain of command. Somewhere in the bowels of the Pentagon, a building I thought existed to protect our country and those who pick up arms in her defense. My innocence was gone in a split second, along with my life. Over the next 6 months I would let this eat at me until it had consumed my very soul, the alcohol buried my feelings but the betrayal buried my belief and trust in almost anyone or thing.<br />By June of 1984 I had a few friends left and my life was quickly ending, I wanted to die, I prayed for it but now I had fears, something I was not used to. Before Beirut I was not afraid of heights, flying, death or anything really, I was foolish enough to believe that I would live forever and I could beat anything or anyone. Now that was gone and I was finding myself more and more paralyzed with fear each day.<br />In August of 1984 I knew I had to quit drinking but what I didn’t know was that under the rubble of the alcohol lay my remains. Not a weak after I quit drinking I was finding rage at every turn, I was not sleeping and I had no idea why I was feeling like this.<br />On one hot August afternoon, I felt the rage building past the point I knew I could control. I asked my wife to take the kids and go to a neighbors house. She looked at me with great concern, she didn’t know what I was going to do and neither did I. I was seated on the cool linoleum of the kitchen floor when she left, next to me a standard apartment counter and cheap cabinet doors. I felt a slight relief when they left, not so much as they were the cause but that if I lost my temper they would be safe.<br />As I stood to get a drink I caught the open cabinet door on my arm and cut myself, nothing big one of those you would curse a little and get on with your life things. I stopped and stared at the cabinet door and then in one quick motion ripped it from the hinges, I was now out of control. I knew that I had tasted true rage and it would be hard to control, it was like a living breathing creature inside me and it was now in control.<br />I walked to the other side of the kitchen and started beating the cabinets, I felt no pain in my hands but my soul was in great torment.</B><div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-39216743769982667762006-11-12T04:07:00.003-05:002006-11-12T04:09:14.974-05:00A Book Being Written As You Read It.November 11th 1983, Veteran's Day. Becky Ayers, the wife of Signalman Second Class Steven Ayers walked onto the orthopedics ward at Bethesda Naval Hospital. SM2 Ayers had arrived only a few hours earlier having been flown in from Germany,.<br />Her face was contorted with worry and fear, would Steven recognize her? Had he awakened in flight? How bad were his injuries? These questioned would be answered shortly, " Mrs. Ayers?" A Navy Doctor called out from just down the hall. " Yes", she replied her voice trembling. " We can talk in here", he motioned toward a small office behind the Nurses Station. Becky walked slowly toward the room and the waiting Doctor.<br />She moved in a fog, only following the motions of the man in the white coat, she sat in a chair to his right at a small round white generic table. This room was cold and plain, only work schedules and a hospital Plan of the Day decorated the walls.<br />" I am Captain Hamlin, Senior Ortho on staff here. Have you been told what happened to your husband?" Becky remembered the call.<br />Steven had been returning to the Portland when a rocket had struck the helicopter he was on, sending it and the 6 men onboard crashing into the Mediterranean Sea just 500 yards off of the beach. He had been assigned to the recovery detail after the terrorist truck bomb had destroyed the B/L/T/ HQ killing many Marines, Sailors and Army personnel. That much she knew, they had also told her that 3 of the 6 had survived but beyond that she knew nothing. " Only what happened,." Her voice cracked.<br />" Ma'am your husband is lucky…" he paused, " I know you don't feel lucky right now and I am sure he doesn't. Compared to the other injuries we have seen since the 23rd of October he is. Well let's start with the worst of the damage." He spoke methodically, like a man who had done this a lot recently. " A piece of either the rocket or the UH-1 he was riding in appears to have severed his spinal cord between the L-4 and L-5." He stopped to let this sink in. Becky felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, she knew in her heart it had to have been bad enough that they could not fly him home until he was stable but paralysis? How would she deal with this? How would he deal with it? The Doctor's eyes searched her face looking for a sign to explain what this meant. "This isn't as bad as it sounds, he will be able to walk with physical therapy, the main function loss here is the feet and toes. " He saw her body settle as the news washed over her. " The crash it seems has knocked all of his top teeth out and all but four of the lower teeth. His face is swollen and he looks a lot worse than he is. " He leaned back and waited for the questions, he left out the part about the coma, that was really the worst injury. They didn't know when or if he would ever wake up.<br />" Has he woken up?" She went straight to the question.<br />" No." He avoided the follow up.<br />" Will he?"<br />" Mrs. Ayers we really do not know when this will happen or the true extent of the injury to his brain." there he threw it on the table.<br />" Ok, when can I see him?" Becky asked, she wanted to see him but yet she was afraid of breaking down, they say that people in a coma know what is going on and hearing that might hinder his recovery.<br />" Shortly, the Dental Team is in there right now." He stood, waited for her to follow. " I can show to the waiting area." She followed the Doctor to a large room filled with women and children, tears flowing magazines flipped through nervously. This was the unseen side of a horrible act such as this had been.<br /><br />November 11th 2006, this never happened but everyday since the moment we lifted off of the tarmac at Beirut International Airport in a UH-1 headed back to the Portland I feel as though I am in a coma and not really here. I am told this is PTSD, but to me it feels like a long dream, no, a nightmare, with a few happy moments.<br />I did take part in the recovery detail after the bombing that killed 241 brave American Servicemen. And I do live in a different world than most of you and I am going to try and explain that and what happened in Beirut to you. Grab a chair, open your mind and see if I can show you my world.<br />( the above is the opening of a book I am writing, please do not post it anywhere without permission. This is a non-fiction work based on my life and you are reading it as I write it, every line every word posted as I finish it everyday.) copyright Steven D Ayers 2006<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-82970707067493511002006-11-08T21:20:00.000-05:002006-11-08T21:21:54.441-05:00Beyond Beirut: PTSD the BeginingUpon my return from Beirut I went into a deep depression, this led to excessive drinking. What I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">didn't</span> know was that drinking was a way to self medicate, and medicate I did. I drank every day, lunch a 12 pack, dinner a 12 pack and a large glass of Jim Beam. After dinner I would drink until 2 or 3 am then I would get up and go back to work at 6 am. The drinking and my mood swings were destroying my life and that of my family. One morning I said enough is enough and I stopped drinking, the first day was smooth but on the second I started feeling anger welling up inside. It was on the third day when I took my new car back to the dealer and they <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">didn't</span> want to fix it that all of this came to a boil. I came home and called the owner of the dealership, who was foolishly listed in the phonebook, and told him either he fixed the car or I would drive it through the showroom windows of his Mercedes Dealership. He agreed to have a tow truck pick it up in the morning.<br />That night sleep was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">fraught</span> with angst and fears I had never felt before. Death was something I had not even thought about but now as I laid there the thought of my own death was starting to drive deep into my soul.<br />When morning came and the tow truck towed the car away I decided I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">wasn't</span> going to work, which is not just a bad idea in the military it is illegal, but I was cut slack for reasons I was about to understand. By noon and the dealer had not called me I was feeling that rage building again, so I asked my wife to take the kids and go visit a friend in another apartment. Well being the loving caring woman she is she left and called the police telling them that I was depressed and a Beirut Veteran. They arrived with a Priest in tow and asked me to seek help, I had ripped a couple of cabinet doors off and was dripping with sweat yet the A/C was set at 65 and doing a good job.<br />I was seen at the Portsmouth Naval Hospital and promptly admitted, after 2 admissions I was told I had <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">PTSD</span>. Everyday since has been a struggle, one to explain to people I am not violent, I am not crazy I am just someone who has seen the worst humans can do to each other and I was touched deeply and it appears the impact is permanent.<br />Now I will not go into every detail of my life but I will say this, I do not see things the same way everyone else does, there is very little joy in my life, I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">don't</span> feel warmth on my face in the sun, I cant remember what love was truly about and the biggest loss I have had was that I cant remember <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">a lot</span> of what happened after I walked off that beach in Beirut 23 years ago.<br />When I left for Beirut I had a 2 year old son and a 9 month old daughter, today I have a 25 year old son, a 24 year old daughter, a 18 year old daughter and a 9 year old son but they have not had much of a Father. I have not gone back to drinking, but I have been consumed by the memories of those days digging bodies out of the rubble, placing them in body bags and then those bags into containers and shipping them home. I remember taking incoming fire while we tried to dig hoping to find a survivor and I remember the smell of Beirut. To this day I can smell it and I can hear the screams for help, I can feel the dust upon my skin. I am not the only one, there <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)">a lot</span> of us who live everyday with these feelings and it is for these Veterans and their families that I planned this walk.<br />A very wise Veteran once said for those who died the war is over for the rest of us it is only a nightmare away.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-2181546100291433152006-11-07T22:28:00.000-05:002006-11-07T22:38:21.270-05:00Elections and VotersI sit tonight and watch local TV news reporters interview voters at polling places and I am scared. Not by the reporters poor questions but by the voters who can not form a simple sentence.<br />Now I believe in democracy and I make mistakes but when the mistakes roll of the tongues of voter after voter then I must question the intelligence of these voters. Is it that people pay no attention during <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">campaign</span> time and just vote for the party? Or maybe they decided at the last minute to vote and voted for the person with the name which sounds soothing to their ears.<br />I wish that we could test voters to make sure they knew what was going on before casting a ballot. We have all learned over two Presidential Races that each and every vote counts so these blathering fools are making a difference.<br />Now I know I was a little harsh but our future is the hands of people who don't know what is really on the ballot of who is on it. One voter on a local broadcast explained that this election was less important than the Federal election last year. I swear today I was voting for Congressmen and Senators and I don't remember a big Federal election in 2005, but I said <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">that's</span> one person.<br />Well the next commented that Morning Doves are just little birds so we <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">shouldn't</span> hunt them, well so are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">a lot</span> of things we hunt. Maybe we should have looked into another reason to not hunt something besides being little and hatched from an egg.<br />These are but two examples I switch from channel to channel and hear the same stuff over and over again.<br />America maybe we should educate each and every person who is eligible to vote instead of worrying about Madonna's adopted child.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-44994274840194397812006-11-07T09:38:00.000-05:002006-11-07T10:11:56.990-05:00To You John OliverJohn you inspired me and many others to do what we had to for our fallen Brothers, now I must count you among them and my heart is breaking. I never saw you face to face but I believe I knew your soul, we shared a moment in history and lived with the pain of that time.<br />I remember the nights on AOL talking about keeping it together and a tear comes to my eye but I know now that you are free and there will be no more nightmares for you.<br />Those of us left behind will take care of your family the best we can, be at peace John and bask in the light of everlasting love you have earned it, nothing can take that away from you.<br />You did not want to be called a hero or anyones inspiration but you were and you still are.<br />Fair winds and Following Seas My Brother.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-84134650054235800922006-11-06T23:10:00.000-05:002006-11-06T23:19:02.140-05:00Beirut The Untold Story Part 1<div><br /><br /><div><br /><br /><br /><div><br /><br /></div><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/320/1121342.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><div>After 23 years of doing nothing about what happened in Beirut on<br />October 23rd 1983 I will now stand up and shout to all that will listen.<br />I was Navy onboard the USS Portland LSD-37, the morning the bomb<br />went off I was standing on the Signalbridge about 1.5 miles away. The<br />blast was so loud we thought we had taken a direct hit. Which would not<br />have been extraordinary due to the amount of rocket fire and radar shine<br />we received on a daily basis.<br />When we realized we were ok I looked to the beach and saw smoke<br />rising from near the airport, at that point I felt my stomach turn. I couldnt<br />see what had been hit but it was big.</div><br /><br /><div><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/1600/300px-Beirutbarr.0.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/320/300px-Beirutbarr.0.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>A few moments later a friend who was monitoring the shore net called<br />me on the sqawk box and told me that the B/L/T was down and they<br />were asking for all assistance and all body containers in the area.<br />Quickly after this I asked to be sent in as part of the recovery detail, I<br />was told no and a friend SM2 Moore was sent in with the first wave.<br />After I spent hours sending requests up the chain of command I was sent in and spent the next 4-5 days on the beach.<br />I have been asked why it was so important for me to go, I dont know except these were my friends and they needed my help.<br />On day 2 I found a message in the comm shack of the building, it was<br />only a few feet from the body of a young Marine Officer, who had his .45<br />drawn and in his hand. This message has been the root of all my<br />nightmares.<br /></div><br /><br /><div>It read:<br /></div><br /><br /><div><strong><em>FM: Sharkey<br />TO: CINCLANT CINCEUR<br />SUBJ: Threat<br />Possible Syrian/Iranian hostilities against the US and other contigents of<br />the MNF between 10/22 and 10/24<br /></em></strong><br />After I found this I did my job and handed it to the officer who was<br />collecting these messages and it was destroyed. I didnt know that as we<br />were on our way home that this very message was talked about in front<br />of congress and it was described as broad and vague in its content.<br />A year ago after doing more research I also found that a Mossad Agent<br />had known the make and model of the truck months before were hit, he<br />was told to pass along a standard warning so they would not lose their<br />undercover agent inside Hezbollah.<br />Isreal sold us out to protect a source, the lives of 241 men were lost<br />because our own government thought this to be vague and not worthy of<br />preparing for.<br />Tim Gerahty was the Colonel in charge of the Marines he had asked<br />many times to move his men, to allowed to be more defensive and was<br />turned down over and over again. But when Congress met he and his<br />aides took the fall, like all good Marines they sacrifced themselves for<br />the Commander in Chief.<br />Now dont get me wrong, I am a patriot, I am not against the use of our<br />military but I am against allowing them to be murdered in their sleep.<br />Regan escalated the war by resupplying the Lebanese Armed Forces<br />and this was done out of site of the Marines. Operation Rubberwall was<br />sold to the media as a mass resupply of our Marines when in fact 3/4 of<br />what was brought in was taken by bought to the Lebanese Naval Base<br />north of Beirut. I know of this as I was part of the boat crews moving in<br />11 million rounds of ammo. We did this under the watchful eye of Syrian<br />Forces on the hill above us and they saw this as us moving into an<br />aggressive role in the Civil War. They have not liked us since 1958 <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/1600/20.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/320/20.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />when 14k of our troops pushed them out of Lebanon, my Father was part of that operation.<br />Now I guess you all see why I am so passionate about this and will remain so until I leave this planet. </div></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-30348373744415544522006-11-06T18:53:00.000-05:002006-11-06T19:11:34.703-05:00Because of Iraq?I am <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/1600/clark.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 85px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 94px" height="218" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/320/clark.jpg" width="177" border="0" /></a>watching these ads on my television and Wesley Clark is telling me that we have terror problems because of Iraq? SO it is because we invaded Iraq that we have to deal with issues of terrorists? <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Not</span> because they attacked us along time ago and have continued to attack us <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">every time</span> our paths cross? So I guess then I need to be angry at the Iraqi people and not the ones who drive trucks laden with bombs or fly <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">airplanes</span> into our <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">buildings</span>. <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/1600/24.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 182px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 154px" height="266" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/7720/2435/400/24.jpg" width="246" border="0" /></a><br />So Wesley Clark is this why you retired? Maybe your ability to identify a threat was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">diminished</span>.<br />I can still identify a threat and the biggest threat to our security are lies like these.<br />Wake up America and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">don't</span> buy into lies like the ones being sold by people who want to use this war as a political tool when it is a life and death situation everyday for 125k of our finest.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-8564566350486874542006-11-05T13:16:00.000-05:002006-11-05T13:17:04.398-05:00Ok I have many requests for my email addy and here it is.<br /><br />remembrancewalk@msn.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1154165139137013682006-07-29T05:01:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.929-05:00HezbollahI sit and watch as Americans, Europeans and others condemn Israel for defending their border against the very same group that drove a truck into the B/L/T HQ in Beirut in 1983 killing 241 American Servicemen. The act then was the worst terror attack against this country but then we did nothing to stop this young under funded and under armed group of murderers. Today Israel faces these same murderers better armed and well funded and yet the world screams out that Israel and the U.S. must stop the bloodshed of innocents. <br />Why isn't Lebanon, Syria, Iran and Hezbollah called upon to stop their attacks on Israeli women and children? If Lebanon had not allowed Hezbollah to hold the south of their country in essence an region taken and held by force. If Syria had not been part of the supply line of monies and weapons to Hezbollah and Iran hadn't funded this group of Anti-American and Anti-Israeli terrorists then we would not be at this crossroads today.<br />So I ask those who blame Israel and the U.S. to think for themselves and stop being a tool of terrorism, put down the signs, stop shouting about innocents lives being lost and turn your energy toward stopping the real culprits, Islamic Fascism. <br />I said right after 9-11 that the next terror attack would come in the form of civil protests that would be aimed at tearing this country apart from the inside. I said they would use our laws against us, the Constitution is now their main weapon. I am saddened by the use of this sacred document to destroy the country and people I and many others fought to defend.<br />If you are one of those who are shouting hate speech at Israel or the U.S. just remember with the right to free speech comes great responsibility, the speech can not be used to do harm, in was guaranteed to us for expression and to bring to the attention of others injustice, not to proclaim that self defense is a crime or to print signs thanking God for IED's or Dead Soldiers.<br />I see these signs and I want to do harm to these people but that is also wrong and I feel ashamed of my own feelings. <br />Instead of disrupting the funeral of an American Hero try sending a package to these men and women filled with love from those they defend. How would any of you feel if at your Fathers funeral a group gathered to thank God he had died? You would fill with rage and then the very fabric that is America would rip a little more.<br />The only way to defeat this country is to do it from within. If you are a Christian, Catholic, Jew or Muslim and you call yourselves Americans then you should have only one interest in mind, the protection of this great nation and those who fought for you and your family.<br />I know that I am just one person and IF anyone from these groups reads this I will be called a conservative war monger but in reality I am a middle of the road who believes in limited use of our military to protect this country and those who can not defend themselves.<br />Just think about the other person before you condemn them to Hell, as God said, judge not lest you be judged.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1149091018591155362006-05-31T11:43:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.802-05:00Terror Ain't PrettyA long time ago we all watched John Wayne and Henry Fonda go to war, the scenes were bloodless and the action always depicted the U.S.A. as the victors and good guys. But things have changed, terror like it's milder cousin, war are not pretty. They are filled with blood, violence and acts less than civilized on all sides. But this is how you win a war or had we forgotten? <br />Images stream across the television and internet filled with the horror that people can inflict upon each other. I could write a story about the glory of war or make a film that shows the U.S.A. winning every battle and all coming home but that would be wrong, people must see the horror and feel the pain these brave men and women see and feel everyday.<br />This nation was born of war and acts of sabotage, were they wrong? No, I believe we did then what we had to be done to win our independence. Now we must do what is needed to maintain the very freedoms people shout about each and everyday. So if you see something that upsets you or offends you, think about the men and women who lived it. Everyday we should all thanks a Veteran, their Family or remember those who died for our way of life.<br />I know that these images can be upsetting but they are a part of healing. I don't need to see what happened in Beirut on television, it runs everyday in my mind but the people who tell me to get over it or just grow up and be a man need to see what we saw so maybe they will understand what it is that haunts us every minute of everyday.<br />When I post something that is graphic or upsets you just remember I need to let this out and so do millions of other Veterans, without an audience we will bottle it up and that would lead to our own demise and more widows, widowers and orphans.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1148363623532581762006-05-23T01:53:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.740-05:00Either with me or against me, you decideIf I was to line up 241 flag draped caskets in town I know I ouwld get the media's attention to our plight but since I have so far chosen not to I must walk again. Maybe I walk till I die or drop then maybe people will see that I am serious about waking America up before someone walks into D.C. with a small nuke device, then of course they would all be screaming. I don't know what it takes to get their attention, I had it for about 30 minutes now they are forgetting already but worse than that so are the ones who say "Never Forget".<br />Now it is time to stand up, speak up, write letters, demand attention or all has been for nothing. Within the next day or so I will quietly walk out and start another walk, this time a silent walk, no media no signs nothing to draw attention. I want to see if people notice, I will carry nothing with me except my clothes and smokes and of course somehting to drink. I will not stop until we get what we deserve, respect, hnor and justice for those who did not come home with us. I guess I am saying you are either with me or against me, now is the time to choose sides.<br /><br /><br /><br />Peace,<br />Steve<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1148197814873813342006-05-21T02:53:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.674-05:00Local Walk CompletedOn Wednesday the 17th of May 2006 I began a 241 "lap" walk around the small downtown area of Sault Ste. Marie Michigan. It was to be 149 miles when completed, I had to reduce the route so I walked 241 laps but only completed 129 miles. <br />Here is an account of the walk.<br /><br />Day 1 12:00 PM I am ready to start lap 1 when the local newspapers photgrapher shows up. I was shocked, they do not generaly pay any attention to the human will of the town. So I asked himt to wait so I could start on time and he agreed, after I completed my first lap we set up a photo op and he took a picture of me presenting a Beirut Commerative Coin to Gary Hatch a local businessman and friend. Gary agreed to let me use his store front as a check point. <br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1307.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1307.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />After the photographer left I went back to walking my laps. My wife and Daughter manned the table we had set up and had our computer running the Beirut Videos my wife made so that people could see what a tragedy it had been.<br />Many people walked past, few stopped to inquire what we were doing. the ones who did stop were genuine and expressed concern and sympathy for the 241 men who lost their lives on October 23rd 1983. My daughter had made a sign for the front of the table, it told everyone we were here to remember these Heroes and their Families but most who passed looked away, a few even rolled their eyes. But I walked on and my Family stayed their course as well.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1329.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1329.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />As night fell I stopped to allow my wife and daughter to return home and my future son-in-law came out to man the table. After about 30 minutes I resumed walking and the weather tunred cold and rain threatened most all night. Around 02:00 AM it stopped threatening and started to rain. I wlaked through the rain and 40 degree night, not because I am a hero but because I promised all I would not give up. Morning brought only more rain and low temps, but in the early hours of the morning of the 18th David Scott a Representitive of Edward Jones Investments walked across the street and handed me a cup of hot coffee and thanked me. I thanked him in return and explained what Beirut had been about.<br />About 11:00 AM that same day I began to feel the real pain in my back and legs, I began to have doubts that I would be able to finish this walk. I had walked quick laps earlier that morning so that I could take it easy during the day, less laps meant fighting less traffic. Every lap was a double adventure in well marked crosswalks, <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1371.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1371.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a> yet I was almost run over many times. I began to think that instead of my legs giving out that I would be run over by a school bus or Police car. Well I survived both of the doubts I felt that day and closed in on the last night with excitement and dread.<br />I felt excitement because I knew that this would be the last night of the walk and dread because I knew this would be the hardest night and 99 laps still remained to be walked. I knew that after 7:00 PM the traffic would lighten up and of course that would make the laps faster and safer. So as dark fell I began walking faster laps. Even though I felt the pain in my body worsen I felt that I could easily complete these laps. <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1357.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1357.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />This thought lasted until around 10:00 PM when a pain grabbed my back and kept me from standing upright and my legs were running out of strength. At that time I decided that I would no longer cross the street, but I would instead walk on one side of the street, so I added about 100 feet a lap to compensate for the width of the road twice and limped toward midnight. <br />I had walked over 200 laps when I reached midnight and the begining of the last day, but I walked slower and slower each lap. I leaned on every object on the street. I knew that at any moment a Police Officer was going to stop and ask me to subject myself to a breathalizer, but this didn't happen and at 02:30 AM I walked lap 240 and sat down. I would wait till my wife and daughter arrived after 10:00 AM to complete the last lap. Becky, my wife had been such a big part of all of this that I would not complete this without her being there. So I sat for a few minutes then I walked slowly home to shower and relax the sore muscles.<br />At 7:30 AM I returned to Grooves Music and waited her arrival. I sat and reflected on the last 2 days and what I had seen and heard. Most people couldn't care less about this tragedy. I was truly surprised and shocked, what has happened to this country and the people who inhabit this land? Had they all become so apathetic that they lived in little invisible bubbles? Did the murder of 241 men by terrorists not shock them enough to care? Or maybe they just truly don't care about anything unless it directly effects them. It was during this reflection that I met a man who was truly interested. He told me of his sons in the Navy and asked if he could donate to our cause. I told him that we were not accepting donations but he could donate to any charity he chose in the name of one of the men who died in Beirut. He looked through the list of names and chose one, he thanked me for my service and for walking to remember these men and left me thinking maybe I was wrong.<br />Just then a woman walked by, slowed to read the sign <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1378.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1378.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a> ( The sign at the time had a lap count of 240, this pic was taken earlier the night before)<br /> she looked at me and rolled her eyes, she quickly walked away as if I was a threat to her. I had to assume that my message threatened her and all those who think that nothing bad happens here, that all of the bad stuff happens "over there". I shrugged it off and soon my wife and daughter walked around the corner. I knew that we were close to putting this walk to rest and with it maybe I could put the memories Ihave of that day to rest as well.<br />I sat and talked about the night before to them and at 09:15 AM I started the last lap.<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1398.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1398.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a> I walked slowly at first, the stiffness and pain not yeilding to my will, but at around halfway I picked up speed and limped my way back to the start/finish line. I crossed it at 09:27 AM and marked down the last lap for W. Zimmerman fittingly enough a Beirut Hero who once lived in Michigan. I watched as becky changed the sign to Completed <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/IMG_1404.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/IMG_1404.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /> and I sat and felt good for the first time in a long time. A feeling of accomplishment and I guess a feeling that I had finally paid my respects to "My Brothers". <br />I walked home that day with my head held high and a wlight weight lifted from me. I still have a lot of work ahead of me but now I know that I can do anything I need.<br />You can go to our forum to read about the walk more and see all of the pics and movies. The link is <a href="http://p098.ezboard.com/bveteransforjustice"> Forum </a> , stop in and say hello, if you have any ideas to help raise awareness please let us know.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1148194323426639432006-05-21T02:52:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.609-05:00My Morning Music and Walk Motivation<a href="http://rhaplinks.real.com/rhaplink?type=playlist&amp;title=%24title%24&amp;rhapid=1733872&amp;from=hpq&amp;ref=blog&amp;ref=blog">Rhapsody Playlist</a>: "1. Red Skies - The Fixx<br />2. One Thing Leads To Another - The Fixx<br />3. Less Cities, More Moving People - The Fixx<br />4. Are We Ourselves - The Fixx<br />5. Stand Or Fall - The Fixx<br />6. Screen Kiss - Thomas Dolby<br />7. I Scare Myself - Thomas Dolby<br />8. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby<br />9. Europa And The Pirate Twins - Thomas Dolby<br />10. Taxi - Harry Chapin<br />11. Sequel - Harry Chapin<br />12. Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd<br />13. One Of Our Submarines - Thomas Dolby<br />14. Hyperactive! - Thomas Dolby<br />15. Saved By Zero - The Fixx<br />16. Gimme Back My Bullets - Lynyrd Skynyrd<br />17. That Smell - Lynyrd Skynyrd<br />18. Renegade - Styx<br />19. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down<br /> <br /> <br /> "<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1147675084849289702006-05-15T02:36:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.541-05:00Noam Chomsky; Traitor? or Visionary?<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/hezbollahhq.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/hezbollahhq.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em><strong>Noam Chomsky the famous US intellectual anti Israel and US foreign policies visits Hezbollah's Headquarters and meets Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah in the South suburb of Beirut which was once called by the former US Secretary George Shultz as the plague of the Middle East. <br /><br />No doubt that the meeting was striking. Noam Chomsky the US intellectual disregards US warnings of its nationals not to go to Lebanon, and goes to southern suburbs of Beirut the stronghold of Hezbollah, which is on the US terrorist list and meets its Secretary General Sayyed Hasan Nasrallah. Chomsky, a wild critic of US foreign policy, said Hezbollah's insistence on keeping its arms is justified. <br /><br />CHOMSKY clearly stated "I think Nasrallah has a reasoned argument and persuasive argument that they should be in the hands of Hezbollah (the arms) as a deterrent to potential aggression, and there is plenty of background reasons for that. So until, I think his position reporting it correctly and it seems to me reasonable position, is that until there is a general political settlement in the region, the threat of aggression and violence is reduced or eliminated there has to be a deterrent, and the Lebanese army can't be a deterrent." <br /><br />When asked about the US list of terrorist states, he said if the US was to stick to the clear and precise definition of terrorism in its code of laws, it would be the leading terrorist state. <br /><br />Chomsky said "... I've been writing about terrorism for the last 25 years, always using the official US definition, but that definition is unusable, and the reason is when you use that definition it turns out not surprisingly that the US is one of the leading terrorist states. And other states become terrorist or none terrorist depending on how they are relating to US goals." <br /><br />He added "So for example Iraq was a terrorist state up until 1982. In 1982 it was removed from the list of terrorist states and the reason was that the Reagan administration wanted to provide Saddam Hussein with aid: means all equipments of mass destruction, weapons, and so on and therefore it was removed from the list of terrorist states. It was no longer a terrorist state. And the same goes for Syria. Syria has been on the terrorist list for a long time. But in 1994, I think it was that Clinton offered to remove Syria from the list of terrorist states if it agreed to US-Israeli proposals for the settlement of Golan Heights issue. Well Syria wanted to get its territory back so it stayed on the list of terrorist states."<br /><br />Chomsky said he got what he expected from this meeting: a reasoned and intelligent analysis of the Lebanese situation and the international situation. He said he learned a lot of things that he wouldn't have known. Chomsky also visited Shatila camp of Palestinian refugees, the scene of the Israeli-led massacre in 1982.</strong></em><br /><br />At what point does free speech stop and the act of being a traitor begin? <br />I say when a citizen of a country sits down with an enemy without government sanction then something must be done, if you or I sat down with Hezbollah and talked freely about matters such as these we would be arrested.<br />If I were to sit down with Hezbollah there would be headlines and a much different outcome. I have never hidden my distain for these murderous jackals. <br />Hezbollah kills at will and we have yet to stop them, even our old enemy Walid has said they must disarm.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1147591658378931862006-05-14T03:20:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.475-05:00Why I Walk<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/94576.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/94576.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I walk today for the ones who can not, I feel the wind on my face but they can not. I am not walking for myself, nor in my own name but the memory of those who died on October 23rd 1983 in Beirut Lebanon. <br />I walk because they died defending those who could not defend themselves. With each step I hope to remind each and everyone that they died at the hand of those who stand against all of the free world today. Terrorist, not Muslims but people who feel superior to others by killing innocent men, women and children everyday. They say it is for their God but he would never ask them to kill anyone much less a child. <br />I walk for the Americans who died that day but I remember the French Soldiers who died just 2 minutes after my Brothers. I am just one man and I need the support of all who despise the destruction this small number of Zealots have caused worldwide. Together we can defeat an enemy who would kill children at play, mothers at work or any of us while we carry out routine daily chores. We can not hide inside of our homes and allow more of our young men and women to carry this burden alone. We can send a message around the world that we will not tolerate these acts any longer and we will support those who hunt down and stop these murderers before they can commit anymore acts.<br />We have fought these types of zealots in the past and until we stand united we will fight them over and over. When they have received the message that no one supports their murderous ways then and only then will they have no where to hide. <br />I do not wish my name to be known only because it is not about me, it is about all of us and our way to honor those who died fighting these murders.<br />I am not afraid for myself but I do fear for our country and all peaceful countries around the world. I fear for the safety of those these terrorists claim to be fighting for because they will kill anyone to strike back at us, they have proven this time and time again in Iraq. <br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/tcip.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/320/tcip.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />In Beirut a small group of these cowards planned the attack that changed the world forever, instead of meeting our troops on a field of battle they chose to drive a truck into a building where over 400 of our Servicemen slept, ate and read letters from home. This truck carried a bomb unlike any ever used by terrorists before, over 12,000 pounds of explosives ripped the building apart while my Brothers slept dreaming of returning home very soon. At 06:22 AM on the Morning of October 23rd 1983 the lives of all Americans were changed forever. 241 men died in their sleep, they went to Beirut as peacekeepers and came home as victims. <br />This is why I walk, won’t you stand with me?<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1147072380124291812006-05-08T02:47:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.354-05:00First Battle in War on TerrorWhat was the first battle in the current war on terror? 9-11? Oklahoma City? Somalia? No, the first battle in the war on terror was fought on the sands of Lebanon.<br />In reality the first three battle were fought there, the battles spanned 3 decades and involved thousands of US Troops and cost hundreds of lives.<br /><br />In 1958 American Marines and Army Personnel landed in Beirut to push the Syrians back to the border, in 1976 during one of the many Civil Wars in Lebanon again the Navy and Marines arrived to rescue Americans from the Embassy. <br />August 1982 Americans were once again committed to Lebanon along with French, Italians and British Military as a part of a Multi-National Peacekeeping Force.<br />The goals were mixed but the world was told we had arrived to stop Israel from slaughtering the PLO, in reality we had arrived at the request of the Christian Phalangist Government of Lebanon to once again deter Syria and others from toppling their goverment.<br />On April 18th 1983 a van stolen from the Embassy the year before detonated it's load of explosives and the modern era war on terror began. 63 people were killed, most were Lebanese Civilians who worked for the embassy. <br />I am not writing this as a history lesson but to make the point that this war began over 23 years ago and not in 2001. the brave men who stood on the sands of Lebanon and fought these battles have been forgotten by the very government they voluntarily served. <br />The biggest attack of this early battle was the morning of October 23rd 1983.<br />At 0622 that morning a truck carrying over 12k pounds of explosives drove into the B/L/T HQ and detonated killing 241 servicemen. How many still remember where they were when they heard the news? I am sure other than those involved and of course their Families very few remember that it was a Sunday Morning in Beirut and late Saturday here, 1122 PM EST. <br />Why is this day not remembered? It is not because the American people don't care, it is because the government doesn't want this day remembered.<br />All Americans owe the brave men who perished that day a debt of gratitude, so on October 23rd of this year and every year there after take a few minutes out of your day and reflect on the sacrifice they made and decide what small sacrifice you will make in the coming year to honor their memory.<br />We are planning a walk of 270 miles for October 2008 to honor our Brothers and their Families, maybe everyone who reads this could decide to set aside 23 days of their lives and join us.<br />If not please sit and write a letter to your Representitive asking that the Government honor those who perished and those who survived.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1146984172139383952006-05-07T02:42:00.000-04:002006-11-05T11:24:14.293-05:00My DutyEvery Sailor, Marine, Soldier or Airman will know of what I am saying. When we serve we all know of the danger, the possibility that we will not return home. A bond is formed and silent promises are made, you know that if your Brother falls in battle that you will not only carry his memory but you will look after his Family whether it be his Wife and Children or Parents or Sibling or even a dog.<br />Our duty as Veterans is clear, we must remember our Fallen and we must look after their Families but we are not the only ones with a duty. The Family of the Fallen also have a duty and that is to the living Veteran, when we are weak from carrying the memory they should step up and lend a hand. We must all support each other no matter the sacrifice. <br />Together we have to honor the memories of our Fallen with selfless sacrifce. So if you are bound by this duty, step up and band together we have work to do.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1139555542645378242006-02-10T02:08:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:14.230-05:00These Are Your Rights<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/flag.burning.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/320/flag.burning.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The sleeping masses, those who have no idea that men and women are giving their lives for you, for your right to speak your mind, the ability to sleep well in a world filled with hatred. I have known these men and women, I have stood shoulder to shoulder with them to make your nights safer, your days brighter. Most Americans swell with pride when the Old Glory is carried by in the local parade, most will shake the hand of a hero. These are the patriots who understand what these men and women sacrifice for but in the corners of every part of this great nation sits people who hate all that we stand for, they fill with anger when the flag passes and would spit on the hero but these people have that right. The Heros gave it to them, fought and died for those people to have the right to spit in their faces. This is why The United States of America is the greatest nation on the Earth.<br />So either stand up or turn away but Old Glory is raised high in battle by the very men and women who may have once placed your groceries in a bag or played with your child. Maybe they were standing right behind you the last time you spat on the flag, these men and women will spill their own blood so you all may live in peace.<br />So sleep well America, speak your mind and maybe say thanks to those who are fighting to preserve these rights.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1138779013078055702006-02-01T02:24:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:14.166-05:00Aide: Reagan Warned Before Beirut Blast<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/reagan1.gif"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/reagan1.0.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />By CALVIN WOODWARD, Associated Press Writer<br />Mon Jan 30, 11:28 PM ET<br /> <br /><br /><br />A former defense secretary for Ronald Reagan says he implored the president to put Marines serving in Beirut in a safer position before terrorists attacked them in 1983, killing 241 servicemen.<br /><br />"I was not persuasive enough to persuade the president that the Marines were there on an impossible mission," Caspar Weinberger says in an oral history project capturing the views of former Reagan administration officials.<br /><br />Recollections of an initial 25 Reagan aides were released this week by the Miller Center of Public Affairs at the University of Virginia. Altogether, scholars interviewed 45 Cabinet members, White House staffers and campaign advisers in a project begun in 2001, when Reagan was secluded with advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease. Reagan died in June 2004 at the age of 93.<br /><br />Transcripts offer largely admiring portraits by Reagan's chief loyalists and Weinberger is no exception, crediting the president with restoring U.S. power and outfoxing the Soviet Union.<br /><br />But he said one of his greatest regrets was in failing to overcome the arguments that "'Marines don't cut and run,' and 'We can't leave because we're there'" before the devastating suicide attack on the lightly armed force.<br /><br />"They had no mission but to sit at the airport, which is just like sitting in a bull's-eye," Weinberger said. "I begged the president at least to pull them back and put them back on their transports as a more defensible position."<br /><br />On another dark corner of Reagan's presidency, the Iran-Contra affair, former Secretary of State George Shultz said Reagan was so moved by meeting the families of U.S. hostages that officials feared the encounters would cloud his judgment, and began keeping the families at bay.<br /><br />"The president, it just drove him crazy that there were these hostages in Lebanon," Shultz said in his December 2002 interview. Consequently, the "cockeyed dream" took hold of secretly selling arms to Iranians in return for their leverage in freeing the captives.<br /><br />Weinberger, who often clashed with Shultz on foreign policy, agreed that Reagan's "idea of trying to get the hostages back overweighed almost everything" and arose from meeting the families. "Those meetings destroyed him, absolutely," he said.<br /><br />Weinberger said Reagan discovered that his description of the Soviet Union as an "evil empire" twice got lopped out of drafts of his soon-to-be famous 1983 speech. "The third time he didn't put it in the draft, but he gave the speech with that phrase," Weinberger said.<br /><br />"And you could hear this gasp from the conventional-wisdom people virtually all over the world."<br /><br />James Kuhn, Reagan's second-term executive assistant, credited Nancy Reagan with much of her husband's success but said she was hard to please. He described her as a first lady who "could ask questions that there were no answers to."<br /><br />For example, she would demand details of the weather in whatever place the Reagans were going. "And she'd say: 'Rain. Why is it raining? Why is it raining in Cleveland?'" Kuhn related.<br /><br />"I'd say, 'Well, I guess there's a low pressure system that came in.'<br /><br />"'Well, why?'<br /><br />"I'd think, 'Oh God, I'm getting in deeper here.'"<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1138602658134623882006-01-30T01:29:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:14.104-05:00Secondary Claims Important to VeteransBy: MIKE SCHUSTER - For the North County Times<br /><br />I have received several e-mails from readers and thank them for their input. Tom McManus called to let me know that all Vietnam-era veterans from the early years of that conflict are now recognized by the VA as in-country Vietnam veterans from Feb. 28, 1961 through April 1975.<br /><br />Let's discuss secondary claims for all veterans:<br /><br /># Disability, which is proximately due to, or the result of a service-connected disease or injury. For example, a veteran has a right knee service-connected injury. For years he favors his good knee, but it, too, goes bad. The veteran may file a claim for his left knee condition secondary to his service connected right knee. The vet will need a doctor's opinion documenting that condition.<br /><br /># A psychological condition often causes hypertension and heart disease, which VA and National Academy of Sciences studies have linked to the years of stress from these conditions.<br /><br />This can mean that a veteran who suffers PTSD, major depression or similar disabilities can make a claim for secondary hypertension/heart disease to his service connected psychological disorder with a doctor's opinion. Or his widow, if the veteran died of a heart condition, may file a claim after producing a doctor's opinion that his psychological condition contributed to his death.<br /><br /># Agent Orange Diabetes II that can lead to neuropathy, kidney, heart and other secondary conditions, which the veteran should and could be rated for.<br /><br /># Prescription drugs for a service-connected condition that causes other medical conditions would be claimable. Once I had a veteran on prescriptions for his combat stress, which caused his teeth to fall out, his dental condition was ruled as being service connected by the VA.<br /><br />Let's review "presumptive" conditions. The VA recognizes that certain disabilities veterans may develop years after service may be directly related to military exposure to certain conditions. Of course, all of these claims need a current medical diagnosis, such as:<br /><br /># Asbestosis ---- A lung disease developed many years later from the veterans exposure to asbestosis during the 1940s, 1950s, and 1960s, when asbestos was used as insulation on all U.S. Navy ships and numerous military barracks. If you have a lung disease, please talk to your doctor if it may be related. X-rays will show asbestosis.<br /><br /># Other "presumptive" conditions exist for veterans exposed to atomic radiation and Agent Orange, and have been diagnosed with Gulf War Syndrome and more. For a review of those conditions, go to the VA Web site: www.va.gov and review the 38 Code of Federal Regulations, Sections 3.309 to 3.317. Get a doctor's opinion a diagnosis, your DD-214, and go see your veteran advocate to file that claim ---- if not for you, for your wife and children. A small investment in the beginning will pay off for the rest of the veteran's life.<br /><br />Remember, the VA hires highly educated, many legally schooled, rating specialists, so give these VA employees the medical and legal opinions they seek. These VA rating specialists are mostly pro-veteran, but they too, have laws and rules set by Congress that they must adhere to. The best way to work the system is to provide them with the documentation they need to help you, the veteran.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1136534838752521272006-01-06T02:12:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:14.041-05:00Why Do We Want Justice?I am asked many times a day on the web what is it that you want the government to do? Why can't you just let it go? What's done is done, so why not let it drop?<br /><br /> I answer all of these the same way, if you lost one member of your family would you let it go? No you wouldn't, no one would. We lost 241 members of our family that day not to mention the 32 killed before and after. When I say we I mean all of us, not just Marine, Navy, Army or Air Force but every person in this country. These men proved worthy of being a family member by taking up arms without question to protect all of us. Only a family member would risk it all for someone.<br /><br /> Now let's get to the point of just what justice is for me. Iran paid and helped plan the attack, Hezbollah provided the suicide bomber. These we know for sure are guilty of murder. Yes I said murder not an act of war, when people are killed by a group that is not recognized by the nation that it claims to protect it can only be murder. Since then Hezbollah and their backers have used terror to take control of Lebanese people.<br /><br /> Now I have to look at the evidence that I found 22 years ago, a message warning of the attack. It was sent from the comm shack to CINCLANT (Commander in Chief Atlantic Fleet), the message said between 10-22 and 10-24 and around 2200 on the 22nd the marines were put on alert. This makes me believe that at least someone took the warning serious, most likely on the local command level. Around 0200 on the 23rd the alert was rescinded, by whom? This is one of the questions we must have answered. If this was ordered at a local level of command then I would assume that the local commanders would be at fault. If the alert was ordered to be rescinded by Washington D.C. then I have to assume that there is more to this than meets the eye.<br /><br /> Recently I learned that a classified version of the first Beirut Investigation exists, if it contains what the public version does why is it still classified. It has been rumored that Israel knew the make, model, color and lic. plate number of the vehicle to be used in the bombing and decided not to give us anymore information than a probable attack between the 22nd and 23rd. Why? Because we removed Arafat from Lebanon and out of their grasp.<br /><br /> Weighing all this evidence is it possible to say that we don't have to bother looking at it all again? Or is it possible that these pieces of evidence are nothing more than circumstancing?<br /><br /> Everynight I see the faces of those I carried off the pile of rubble, they are dead but their eyes beg for justice. I have ignored their cries for 22 years now I have to fight this fight, it is my burden and our responsibility to see them at peace.<br /><br /> Some ask me why this concerns them? This is a disturbing question, it concerns all of us who have been protected by one of these men who died on October 23rd 1983. This also includes the 52 French Soldiers killed that day, it applies to the Italians who sent aid to help us remove our fallen and the British who aided in reinforcing our lines. The terrorists didn't just target Americans, they targeted everyone on the MNF ( Multi-National Force), now all of us should be demanding for justice. <br /><br /> The media, ahh yes the media. I have asked many large outlets for assistance in this matter only one has responded. Joe Galloway said he would be out of the country but would ask Knight-Ridder to look into this. I was appreciative but am still doing all I can do without their help. I have learned a lot in the last 3 months, there are very few people you can count on, of those divide by 2 and that is the number who will do more than talk about it. My wife, my brothers from Beirut, a few good souls on myspace and a few more from other assorted online communities. I was let down by this lack of caring for this cause but I was not shocked.<br /><br /> Be prepared to see this all over the internet, if a site has a forum we will post and announce our petition, if we can get any air time we will be all over it. But I know of a few sites that trashed the link to the petition as trolling, we posted it with evidence, never at any time did we bait anyone so I figure these sites deserve a mention here and I will one a week until they get the message. <br /><br /><br /> www.politicalcrossfire.com/<br /><br /> This is the forum that decided that a petition had no place on a political forum in a section called House and Senate. Twice they locked our thread and removed the link. This is a conservative board mostly and guess what? So am I.<br /><br /> Well I guess what I am asking you to do is sign our petition, call your congressman, write letters and pass this around to all your friends. The best help is talking about it, when you are at work bring it up, bring it up whenever you can speak to a group of people who will listen. If you are a veteran talk to patients at the VA and even the staff. If you want to start your own paper petition please do, then when you have all the signatures you can get contact me and I will send you my mailing address so we can incorporate these into the online petition. The more signatures we have the less we can be ignored.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.petitiononline.com/SM2/petition.html"> Original Petition</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/386636109"> Secondary Petition for those who have a hard time loading the first</a><br /><br /><a href="http://my.care2.com/signalman_secon"> My Page</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.care2.com/c2c/people/profile.html?pid=474391996">My wife's page</a><br /><br /> Remember it is our duty to remember.<br /><br /><br /><http://beirutvets.blogspot.com/atom.xml><div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1134948239023149542005-12-18T17:32:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:13.916-05:00PTSD<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/ptsd2.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/ptsd2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The medical community definition of PTSD;<br /><br /> <blockquote>Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or violent personal assaults like rape. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person's daily life. <br /><br />PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as psychological symptoms. PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and cognition, and other problems of physical and mental health. The disorder is also associated with impairment of the person's ability to function in social or family life, including occupational instability, marital problems and divorces, family discord, and difficulties in parenting. <br /><br /></blockquote><br /><br /> Pretty neat and clean isn't it? Well I can define it for me in a different light. It has been like I died 22 years ago and have been trapped in a body not capable of the simplest of emotions or recall, I may be able to move and I am thankful for that, I am truly thankful that I am not dead and have seen the birth of 2 more children and 2 grandchildren. But then there are the days I wish I had died so my wife and older children could have lived without seeing me like this.<br /><br /> Within days of leaving Beirut and heading home I started becoming angry for no reason, I was in arguments with my LPO ( leading Petty Officer) everyday. I felt the rage when I woke and kept it with me until I passed out from pure exhaustion every couple of days. When we reached port I would drink until I passed out to stop the rage I felt, but the anger was always just a click away.<br /><br /> Back at home I continued drinking myself to sleep everynight, usually would take a case of beer and a quart of whiskey between two of us. My family suffered, my career was over but I didn't know it yet and of course I was hurting myself with the everyday drinking.<br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/PTSD.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/PTSD.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /> I was diagnosed with PTSD in late 1984 after I begged the Navy for help, the rage had beaten the alcohol and I my life was in danger. I felt it building in me, eating away at me everyday, it was a cancer that had spread from me to my family. My wife watched as I came apart and sat on the brink of death, ready to take my own life. I didn't fear death then, I feared myself and what I was doing to my family. I hadn't seen what was causing the anger, it was locked under the alcohol and the denial. All I knew was that I was hurting and wanted to end the pain for all of us.<br /><br /> Well I got the help that was available at the time, some words and mostly medications to replace the alcohol. It didn't do much good, I saw what was causing the feelings, Beirut and the death and destruction. Myself and about 23 percent of the Beirut Veterans suffer from PTSD, why only 23%? Modern medicine really doesn't know what causes one person to develop PTSD when another doesn't. I have a theory that it is related to additional disorders, such as Bi-Polar. <br /><br /> I am not a doctor but I have talked to enough PTSD Vets within the VA and a lot also suffer Bi-Polar Disorder, and most suffer the effects of Chronic/Severe Panic Disorder. I developed the panic while in the hospital, I was headed home and was leaving a place I became safe. It was like setting off a nuclear device in my mind and now that I had some control over the PTSD it had been replaced by panic and a new group of fears. The worst was an overwhelming fear of death, not all death but dying in peace. I would without a doubt go out in a blaze of glory without any problems. I lay awake still everynight counting the breaths I have left and everyday that I wake up I feel blessed then I see that I am a day closer to the end and it starts all over. <br /><br /> 22 years have passed and I have no better handle on the PTSD than the day I walked out of the hospital for the first time, most psychiatrists I speak to only want to know what medications I want, not what I truly need. I need justice for the murder of all 273 men killed in Beirut. My PTSD is based on the BLT HQ bombing at the message I have spoken about, others suffer from PTSD stimulated in many different actions. The WWII generation were afraid to speak of it, afraid to be labeled as weak so they drank and remained untreated. PTSD places a label on those already suffering, people refer to us as psychos, I hear he might go Postal, I wouldn't want him around me, etc. I have yet to go "Postal" or even raise my voice without provocation ( toward someone outside my home ) since I was discharged in 1985.<br /><br /> My wife and children have heard the rage, I did my fair share of yelling but I do not hit my family. That was taught to me before the PTSD, I was told never hurt those who depend on you for their safety, always protect those who are weaker or in danger. <br /><br /> Now I live everyday waiting for the next, waiting to see if I can make it one more day without the rage, the lack of emotion has been the only way I can keep the panic at arms length. But that same tool is what hurts my family, I either suffer or they do, neither of us can be comfortable at the same time.<br /><br /> As I said before I am still alive, can walk and have seen my grandchildren and for this I am grateful. My wife mourns the loss of the man she married 3 years before Beirut, we knew each other in High School and I was in love with her from afar then. I was lucky to marry her and now I have wasted 22 years of our life together by holding my back against a dam of emotions and fears. I know it was selfish but yet I still did it. <br /><br /> October 23rd 2005 I decided that enough was enough and I would seek justice for those men and their families, maybe the path would also allow me and my family to rest, maybe this is the key to the chains that bind my soul to that one moment in time. I have decided to pursue this in the political arena and to pay a tribute to my fallen brothers every chance I get. This Blog is just one of those tributes.<br /><br />For more information on PTSD click <a href="http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/">here</a><br /><a href="http://beirutvets.blogspot.com/atom.xml"></a><div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1134888526668128582005-12-18T01:24:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:13.851-05:00Stupak Agrees To Help Beirut Veterans<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/bstupak.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/320/bstupak.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /> Today I spent about an hour and a half on the phone with Rep. Bart Stupak of Michigan, we talked about the tragedy in Beirut in 1983. Rep. Stupak agreed to send a letter and ask for the investigation to be reopened he said it was doubtful anything would come of this letter but he would pursue it anyway.<br /><br /> When I sat on the cot in Beirut and cried for my country and all of our heroes and patriots I knew that a grievous act had been committed but by whom. Yes Hezbollah and Iran had been responsible for the bombing but who was responsible for ignoring the warnings? Our own government? Israel for not reporting all the facts? I feared the answer so I locked up my emotions and walked back onto the building to dig for more brave men who were murdered in their sleep.<br /><br /> The bombing was the largest loss of U.S. troops in a single day since the Tet Offensive, the largest loss of Marines since Iwo Jima. 241 men died while protecting a collapsing government from complete destruction. Israel had chased the PLO into Lebanon in the midst of a civil war, The Christian Phalangist Government had asked for our help and we with allies responded.<br /><br /> The British, French and Italians all sent their brave men to aid in this request. On October 23rd the French and the U.S. forces were hit with truck bombs, the British and Italians rushed to aid us and the French. It was a day that should always been in the minds of anyone who despises terror and the people who use it to control the weak. <br /><br /> Rep. Stupak understands the sacrifice made by all during those times, he is sympathetic to this cause but his fellow representatives are not and for this we may not be heard again. I would urge anyone who would like to see this happen to contact your representatives tell them to join Bart Stupak on this.<br /><br /> Please join me in thanking Rep Stupak for his assistance, even though I may disagree on his positions some of the time I feel I can trust him and this will be the first time I have been able to trust anyone since the day I found the message.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19955240.post-1134842421703113642005-12-17T12:43:00.000-05:002006-11-05T11:24:13.645-05:00Beirut Bombing Pain Goes On<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/1600/9457556.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/532/1986/400/9457556.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />When I kissed my love goodbye on the morning of May 10th 1983 I didn’t expect this to be the last time she would ever see me again. If we had known what was to come we would have never let go of each other, but reluctantly I walked away and up on the USS Portland. As I sit here today, almost 22 years later, I try to picture that day. Hoping that if I can see it, feel it that maybe it will return, maybe I can return home. But all I can see is a ship full of young men, each of them doing their job ensuring that “Sweet P” would safely pull from her home and travel across the Atlantic.<br />I stood on the signal bridge waving to Becky, her eyes full of sadness, my tears matching hers. I told myself that I had done this many times before and soon we would be back home and all would be good again.<br />“ Single all lines.” The call came from the bridge to the line handlers. I moved to break the call sign another signalman stood by with the flag to shift colors from the stern to the mast. We waited for the feeling of the ship floating free in the water, the tugs held her tight to the pier as the lines were singled. After a moment or two the tugs stopped pushing and all was quiet then the ships engines began to wind up and the ship was free of her bindings.<br />“ Underway, shift ships colors.” I tugged on the halyard and the call sign broke free. The four signal flags that make up a naval call sign picked up the wind, I watched as the ships colors traveled up the main mast.<br />I shifted my thoughts from the ship to my wife, would she be all right? Would she make the drive to Florida ok? Would my children be ok while I was gone? Never once did I think that I was the one in danger, none of us did. We were doing what we had done many times before, our job. Before long we had dropped the lines from the tugs and were making way into the Chesapeake Bay then we would be in the Atlantic Ocean heading for the Coast of North Carolina to pick up our Marines and form up so we could steam as an Amphibious Assault Group to the coast of Lebanon.<br />The last memory I have of that day was when they secured from Sea and Anchor Detail and set the underway watch. From that point on, all of the memories of MARG 2-83 are obscured, almost as if they have been blended and spit out as one day, one hour, one moment in time.<br />Somewhere underneath the Atlantic Ocean are my memories of that time, walking the decks of the Portland as she sits on the bottom of the ocean we once sailed across toward that one moment in time we had all been thrown together for.<br />When I learned that the Navy had sunk her I felt as though they had tossed away one of our heroes. Why would they throw her away? Was it an oversight? Had they just decided that she wasn’t worth keeping around anymore? Whatever their reason it was the final nail in my coffin, now I would not be able to return to her decks and reclaim my innocence. I have dreams of walking those decks deep under the water. I meet my ghost, he is sad but always wants to sit and talk. I Spend hours sitting on the signal bridge speaking with the 24 year old me. Always the same questions; “ How’s Becky, Josh and Tab?” I always tell him that they are fine Some times he asks me if he can come home now, I tell him yes but then I see the chain holding him to the deck and the tears in his eyes. “ Take care of my babies.” He says as I am being pulled toward the land of the so-called living. I try to shout back that I will but I can never get the words out.<br />In the harsh light of reality I see that he is more than just the man who said he would love honor and obey Becky Sundholm that hot April afternoon in Largo Florida, he is my soul. Bound and trapped under all of that cold water and it is up to me to free him so that he can return home. But I have no understanding of how to do this, I would need a key to remove those chains. So I sit and immerse myself in anything other than reality. The pain of his imprisonment is too strong for me to conquer or ignore, it rips the very fabric of my being and hungers for more. So I go through another day without my soul, navigating in the dark with nothing more than a string and a nail for a sextant.<br />When we arrived in Beirut we saw a city that was war torn but yet a Ferris Wheel stood on the beach north of what we would call Green Beach. We sailed in toward the harbor to the north of Beirut and were met with a body floating in the water. We should have taken this as a sign of what was to come. Then a southerly turn and we were in the area to off load our Marines.I remember a friend of mine say as we watched them load into the mike boats, “ Some of these guys aren’t coming home.” We watched as they loaded and headed toward the beach, boat after boat, chopper after chopper. Don’t ask me what day this was or what time it was, ask the one who is trapped underwater he knows everything about Beirut.<br />If you ever dream of him sitting on the ship, look on the port side of the signal bridge looking east. That is where he is trapped, standing where we split looking toward the beach that Sunday morning in October. Ask him about what happened before the terrorists took all from everyone there, he knows. But don’t ask him about what happened after, he never saw any of the death or carnage, that was me. I left him standing there when I was told to grab a helmet and flack jacket, I was being flown into the airport to rescue and recover the Marines trapped in the building, I guess our last thought as a whole person was of our family, hoping they were ok and how this would be seen back home. Then he was gone and I was alone for the first time in my life.<br />They say that trauma creates a shock that makes us replay the memory over and over again. The only memories I replay are of the aftermath of the bombing, I remember nothing of what happened after I returned to the ship. I only remember being tired, numb and angry. I no longer had any friends, I only wanted to be left alone. I was so consumed by the memories that I must have left my soul, the person I was before standing on that signal bridge. Now it is too late to find him and release him of the chains I created to keep him safe from the horror in my memories. I miss him, I weep for him every night and every morning when I wake from my visit to his watery grave. My tears fall for all of those who died and for the ones who still live in their nightmares of that day. I cry for my wife as she lost the man she married, my children as they never knew him. As night approaches I feel the fear approach, a fear of the dreams I know will come when I sleep. First the bodies, I see them piling up, dead men speaking asking why. Then always I drop deep into the water and see my chained soul begging for release.<br />Sometimes I can feel the ship move, when I am confronted with a dusty smell, I am back in Beirut, if I am walking and having a good day and someone or something triggers a memory then suddenly I am climbing across the rubble of the BLT HQ. My memories are filled with death and feelings of guilt. One minute I am laughing with my son and the next I am pulling the remains of a hero from the rubble. I look into his eyes and I know he has no idea what has happened to me just then. But it hurts to see the hurt in his eyes when I don’t want to play or sit and talk. My chained soul never knew him or my other daughter. He would have loved them, he would have loved playing with our grandchildren but he is trapped forever in the cold blackness of the Atlantic Ocean, I know that he is holding his chin up never expecting the worst keeping the Portland Pride alive.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Subscribe to this blog</div>SM2_Ayershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02188226214706649332noreply@blogger.com0