Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Fucking BAstards.

Before I tell you about what a bunch of fucking cunts British Airways staff are let me tell you about the wedding I attended on saturday.

It was a lot of fun indeed. The church bit, as all church bits are, was a bit creepy. The priest was quite fun but he went on a lot about bringing the family to church and I'm afraid that I don't quite get that. He was openly trying to persuade Tracy and Mike (the happy couple) to have kids IMMEDIATELY and bring them to church because the first thing a baby should see and understand is a bunch of grown-ups seeing the spiritually serene side of a naked hippy nailed to two pieces of wood. Very odd, but the couple were happy so my opinion means nothing, and that's probably a good thing. The reception started very well indeed (3 black russians) and hit a high when a four-piece bluegrass band started up. The band looked far too indie/alternative and looked incredibly cool next to everyone else. All in all, though, it was fun with booze and all a bit of a laugh. My inner snobbery made me avoid most of the right-wingers which, looking back, is probably pretty stupid because they seemed very sociable and Mike (the happy groom) is a very funny man indeed. I try my best not to think about his politics because they're insane and when I don't think about them he's a charming and witty man to be around. On the other hand, they all hate gays and believe in national service for the under twelve's so maybe my gut reactions right. But Billy Bragg and Boris Johnson get on, so...

The next day I had a little tourist time avoiding rain and discovering that Seattle's many, many bookshops aren't as many, many as people would have me believe. It's a pretty dull city all round, really. Great if you're rich and I'm not really so I was a bit bored. I did go to a fantastic restaurant that night though. It's called The Pink Door and it had trapese artists and arty paintings (as all paintings are) and tattooed staff. I loved it. Then it was off to a jazz club where I met more tattooed people who screamed "FUCK OFF" every time I said I lived in London. It was a lovely evening.

Not a magically brilliant place then, Seattle, but I'll always have one incredible memory of my visit. It was when my father-in-law turned to me and said "Joe Biden says you're a cocksucker". It was a lovely moment and one that I shall treasure.

During my flight back I went to sleep relaxed in the assumption that no-one would steal my iPod. I was way off the mark with that one. To make matters worse I think it was stolen by an elderly alcoholic woman who needed wheelchair assistance. She sat beside me and was an arsehole during the entire flight. Constantly drinking her own booze, eating her own food and asking for water for her own coffee. Who the fuck brings their own coffee on to a flight? This cunt does, that's who. At least now I can proudly say that, yes, I was once robbed by an elderly alocholic woman who needed wheelchair assistance. The fucking old, crippled lush.

Luckily, British Airways staff were there to be annoying and dreadful, so that was good. Once I told them that my iPod had gone missing they asked all the important questions such as "Was it a present?", "How many gigs did it have?" and "Are you sure you had an iPod?". Before threatening to kill everyone, I told them all the info they needed but that didn't stop more staff coming along and asking the same cunting questions. Then, and this was my favourite bit, one blonde, painted shitfuck pulled apart the seat I was sitting on, then the two seats next to it, looked underneath them, checked the overhead locker and filled out a lost & found form. Then when I said "Don't worry, it's only an iPod" she replied "Oh, I thought we were looking for a passport. Let me look again". If they put cunt kicking in the olympics, I'd win gold with her as a target.

So, good to be back. I'm rehearsing Los Quattros Cunts tonight because tomorrow night is the last Real Daniel O'Donnell Show, maybe EVER. So come along. I'm in a foul mood so you'll love it.