Whenit-arrives in car-rd board-cover
I can't wait to discover
For a spread to-say
I gotpublished in CA

but tell my why ....aint nothing but a heartache
I just sigh ....aint nothing but a mistake ....Tell my why
I'm never going to see the day
When my work's in CA

My skills they're on fire
IhaveHunger and desire
(energy) "What-is-it" that it really takes
To get in CA

butTell my why ....aint nothing but a heartache
I just sigh ....aint nothing but a mistake ...Tell my why
I aint ever going to hear you say
"You're works in CA"

And how can it be that I never breakout
From the rut that imprisons me (yeah)
Plus-no matter the project
Clients wont give
me-the-freedom to be me

My skills theyre on fire
IhaveHunger and desire
What-is-it thats-required
To get in CA

[[Aint nothin...2x]] (cut repeats 1 and 2 here and use 3rd repeat)

butTell my why ....aint nothing but a heartache
I just sigh ...aint nothing but a mistake ....Tell my why

I'm hoping that I'll see the day
When I get in CA

I-need to get in CA

My attempt to paint a complete picture of where I think the mainstream graphic design culture is stuck. Let's break out of the snob box, people.

Design S.N.O.B.
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Fergie "Glamorous")

Are you still here?...
If you're a web designer you can just go home!
I said If you're a web designer you can just go home!

D-E-S-I-G-N-SN-O-B, yeah D-E-S-I-G-N-SN-O-B

The way I always dress
is all in black
I have a goatee
I'm strictly Mac
I crave the white space
And tiny type
I'm a perfectionist, ooh- so fussy fussy
Legendary, and so-famous
I get published, ooh-regularly
I'm a genius, conceptually
Condescending, ooh - and bossy bossy

I-get obsessed by little things
backwards quote glyphs make me mean
Tracking-and-kerning are-not-the-same-thing
And-if-you-can-remember just one thing
Helvetica is all you need
And if you want to be like me
Just give up, you'll never be
An icon, a-god, a fresh machine
At conferences, they honor me
They even have to pay a fee
Their-memberships fund-the trophy
If only the world were as bright as me
Good design would set them free
Nothing schlocky, no starbursts
And no roy-al-ty-free
One dollar stock photography

I live alone, my
awards on my walls
I have an exotic dog
Named him Saul Bass
I play an instrument
Just to show I'm not
One dimensional, ooh - so many talents
Legendary, so many facets
I get published, ooh-regularly
I'm a genius, conceptually
Condescending, ooh -and bossy bossy

I collect Ray-Gun-magazines, I of-course have all of them.
Rolling Stone back issues, to worship the layout-of-them
A pile thats so high I'll need an new Bauhaus shelf-for-them
I-have every single CA and-have copied from just about from all of them
I have enough-antique-toys in my office to fill-a-gymnasium
My chair costs more than I pay my-assistant in month
She does all the work and I get all the credit.
But she's lucky to be here to learn from me
I know its 2:30am but she CANT GO HOME!

D-E-S-I-G-N-SN-O-B, yeah D-E-S-I-G-N-SN-O-B

I only do print
Not-web design
The Internet
Is a waste of time
Real-design-is Pantone
And offset, oh so glossy glossy
I'm a genius, conceptually
An I'm not obvious, ooh - that would not be me
A perfectionist, so fussy, fussy
Condescending, ooh and bossy, bossy

Negative-feedback I won't hear
My creations I hold dear
When you tell me that I'm wrong
That's when I say, "so long"
You-say-my-hourly-rate's absurd
I won't even hear a word
My time's worth more than gold
Despite my ADD - and I'm old
Guys like me are hard to find
Like a diamond in a mine
Spend ten minutes with me
And you will clearly see
You're inferior to me
All your desire in the world
Won't make-up-for-the-boundless talent
That I alone hold.

The awards told me so
And I gotta know
Because I have won them all
Now you've got to go....

A classic Christmas song rewritten for modern times.

Walmart Greed Song
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of "Twelve days of Christmas")

1. When I walk into Walmart I really think I need...
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

2. I walk past the greeter and he says to me...
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

3. I walk-into-the-fray and the first thing I see
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

4. I put-it-in-my-cart and-then right in front of me
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

5. I've walked-over-a-mile-now and have numbness in my feet
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

6. I add-some-AV-cables and turn around to see
A mounted bass that sings
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

7. I admire my good fortune of finding such good things
cheap Crocs knock-offs
A mounted bass that sings
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

8. My cart is so heavy-now to push it I must lean
A palette of Slim-Fast
cheap Crocs knock-offs
A mounted bass that sings
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

9. I'm pretty much exhausted now so-I-turn around to leave
A rocker shirt with no sleeves
A palette of Slim-Fast
cheap Crocs knock-offs
A mounted bass that sings
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

10. I'm almost to register-now, I stop my cart and wheeze
eighty liters of Pepsi
A rocker shirt with-no-sleeves
A palette of Slim-Fast
cheap Crocs knock-offs
A mounted bass that sings
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

11. I get to the register then stand and line and read
One gossip tabloid
eighty liters of Pepsi
A rocker shirt with-no-sleeves
A palette of Slim-Fast
cheap Crocs knock-offs
A mounted bass that sings
A plasma TV!...
eight foot snow-globe
New-release DVD
Welcome to Walmart
Some Red Bull and a pound of cheese

Best Buy Song
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of "Part of Your World")

Ahhh... Look at that store
just down the street
One stoplight more
I can't stay in my seat.
Wishing the darn light would turn
From red to more beautiful green

Finally parking my car
then my heart beat
Starts to pound
from my head to my feet
I get out of my car and I fly
gleefully into the store.

After passing the annoying greeter guy
and resenting his obligatory hello
Now why did I come here?
I can't remember...
(Gasp) They sell iphones now? - is that already on DVD?...
What a store...

I'm in a place where the electronics are
I can smell 'em
freshly molded plastic...
Breathin' it in as I wander (why am I here again?) aimlessly...
Coveting stuff that I really don't need
Droolin' and dreamin' as I roam the aisles
Fillin' my arms with (why did I come here again?) my greed...

I read every box,
turn every dial,
I think that I've been in here for a while...
But I don't care...
I'm under their spell...
Here at Best Buy...

My credit card, it is so hard
to pay off that balance...
But when I'm here, with gadgets near,
I could care less
Oooh a GPS, I really need one,
even though I never really travel
But look at that price tag,
and all those great features...
ready to buy....

With-sweaty-arms-full-of-stuff
I-head-to-the-front-of-the-store,
past-the-maze-of-junk
they-want-you-to-buy-spontaneously
I stand in here line
seeing if there is anything else I might (why did I come here again?) neeeeed...

When's it my turn,
to ring up my stuff
I'm hoping that I've got enough
Ready to swipe, I'm under their spell,
here at Best Buy...

My braggy song about my new Apple MacBook Pro.

MacBook Pro Song
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of "Let's Go Fly A Kite")

The lust of designer's dreams
The pinnacle of-elegant machines
From a slab it is ground
The most rigid around
It's designed to excite
And I got mine tonight...

Oh, oh, oh!
My new MacBook Pro
Look at that keyboard glow
And see how fast it goes, an Intel Core Duo!
It's so light and thin
Is caressing it a sin?
Oh, my new MacBook Pro

I was in the Apple Store
Making rounds on my usual tour
When it's gleam caught my eye
And as hard as I tried
I couldn't decline
Making one of them mine.

Sitting on the sidewalk, looking pretty forlorn
Saw nerds with badges, going through some doors
They looked hip and successful, he wondered what it was for
So he snuck past the guards, by crawlin on the floor

There were a ton of people there, And a big giant screen
The speaker was a god, so the very next day
He bought a brand new MacBook at the Apple store
With an AppleCare warranty and Flash CS4

He brought it home, And he plugged it in
He tried out Flash. It made his head spin
It was nerdier, than he thought that it would be
But he wouldn't give up, that easily.

So he started coding
around the clock.
Gotta master those classes
So obsessed he's gonna make it to the top

And be a Actionscript hero (with bloodshot eyes)
An Actionscript hero
He'll be a superstar! (actionscript hero) with all syntax memorized
Actionscript hero. He'll code a site tonight!

So now he's authored some books, has a highly trafficked blog
Speaks at every conference, how could he ask for more.
He remembers his past, how far that he's come
It wasn't long ago, he was an unemployed bum

But now he's successful
He's made it to the top
Gets the best projects
job offers are never gonna stop!

He is an Actionscript hero (his mom is surprised)
makes a pretty good living. (his skills they are prized)
Actionscript hero. (getting kinda fat in his thighs)
But his fame keeps on growing, no surprise
No-o surprise

(Rock out like CS4 just came in the mail)

So he keeps on coding
never gonna stop
and innovating
winning all the awards non-stop

He is an Actionscript hero (larger than life)
Gigantic ego (but it's justified)
He'll be a superstar! with all syntax memorized
Actionscript hero.
Actionscript hero. Actionscript hero.
his mom's so surprised
his mom's surprised

This song is for all those creative workers at advertising agencies who stay up all night mounting creative ideas on foam core for client presentations.

Client Review Lament
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Neal Diamond "Love on the Rocks")

Client review
They all come in and sit down
I've been up all night
in my office downtown.
I try not to snooze
As I weakly shake each of their hands.

I'll come apart
if they shoot-these concepts down
I show them my first one
They better not frown
An awkward blank gaze
when-I-was-hoping-for-something-more
like a smile.

First they say they like it,
Oh, but they really don't mean it.
Sure enough comes the dreaded question,
"Do you have some more?"
I already showed them
my favorite concept first
Nothing I can do or say now
can save this pitch, gotta run away now
But I need this job.

So I regain composure
Reach for-concept number two
I explain it too much
Before I put it in view
I pitched it all wrong
Worst of all I realize,
the board's upside down.

The client by now's fidgety
How will they show these to their committees
-concepts that have missed the mark
even more than before.
I'm sure this is what they're thinking,
In my chair I'm sinking
My brain is numb incapacitated
They actually say that they "really HATE it".
And that it's "all wrong"

Once concept left,
So I don't even try
I slap that last board down
and try not to cry.
The client picks it up ...
and says "This one's exactly what I want"
"Good job"...

Alas, the conflict between the left-brained Account Executives and the Creative Department. Let us celebrate our differences...

Account Manager Training
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of "Ebony and Ivory")

Creatives and AEs are often at odds in agencies
Each one with a different motive, hopeless, seemingly

We all know, designers get distracted and have huge egos
They won't read the brief, and don't log their time
Their ideas are big,
much larger than the contract
that the client signed
every time.

Creatives and AEs more often than not disagree
One wants to win awards, the other pinch pennies

(dance like there's no tomorrow)

Creatives and AEs driving each other crazy
Creatives and AEs...

We all now, Account Executives think they run the show
Cause their butts get fried, when things go wrong
They have-to-look-good,
and they need to stay on budget
and they really don't like, to write off time.

Creatives and AEs are by nature inherent enemies
and if they can't find a balance, budgets will exceed
and if one dominates the other then good people leave

Creatives and AEs, trying to find some synergy
Creatives and AEs, learning to act respectfully
Creatives and AEs, trying not to be enemies
Creatives and AEs, same problem in every agency
Creatives and AEs, getting into a frenzy.
Creatives and AEs, driving the partners crazy...

Another browser? C'mon! There are plenty of solid browsers already.

Chrome
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Barbra Streisand "Rain on My Parade")

Don't tell me we've
got another browser
I don't mean to be
a nasty rabble rouser
but don't we have enough ways
already to surf the web

HTML always looks pretty much the same
So why did Google go
and-make-another picture frame
It makes no sense
We already have enough browsers now...

I'm a web designer
a little freaked out
and if this browser
breaks any of my web sites
I think I'll go ballistic
And deck Eric, Schmidt on the kisser...

Didn't we learn our lesson
Back in the 1990s
Browser wars made
programmers suicidal
DHTML gave us all a black eye...

I got Firefox,
Explorer and Netscape,
Of course Safari, right Steve?
Then there is Opera
And now the iPhone
It's hard to swallow Chrome sir

I think we get
what a browser is now
Do we need a comic book
to show us how.
If you understood your user
You'd know we'll never read all that.

Stick to searching, YouTube, and maps
No need for a judgement-lapse
You own the web with-your-search
It controls the-entire planet earth
You'll probably blacklist this song
Kick me off YouTube, so long!

But until then, here I am!...

Us poor programmers
Are-in-for-it again
Maybe Google you'll listen
Not very likely
You've got far too much money
And clearly too much
time on your hands
If you break the web it'll be a major bummer
I will have to stop being a web programmer
Cause nobody, no, nobody
Is asking for one browser more....

Anticipation over the new Adobe CS4 suite features got the best of me and I wrote a song to help the hype along.

CS4
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Counting Crows "Round Here")

Fired up my browser, went to a flash blog
Where I read the latest entry, couldn't believe my eyes.
Adobe you-say-theres-a-version-that's-new, But I still haven't gotten through
Learning AS3, inDesign, and After Effects
I click on the link, and I find out, announcement day is only weeks away
How, will I ever-be-able-to-wait.
"Something Brilliant" you're advertising, the new features you are hiding
Until that blessed date.

CS4, I hope you're really great
CS4, will-you-be-worth-it to update?

Your new features look tantalizing, it's got me fantasizing,
The Flash-timeline for example you say has been revamped
Some-of-the-new features you've planned, I'm not sure I understand
Like inverse kinematics and 64 bit.
And-I really hope in this version
The help files were written by a person
that isn't a geeked-out super nerd
And then there's the installer, I hope it's fast
I hope this one doesn't take a year.

CS4, I hope you don't come late
CS4, how-much-will-it-cost-to-update
CS4 I will start saving
all of my clams
CS4 when can I get you in my hands

Ohhh-ohhh...

Software's always evolving like the wind
only to get more bloated
Adobe you better pay close attention
And not overload it...

And then, there's the workflow...
I've never...sigh... I wish I could understand
In CS3 when I go to design, I have a really hard time
trying to figure out which program to use.
In one of them I can draw, but then I need tools from Photoshop
So why are they making me use two programs?

CS4, your new-logo it looks strange
CS4, you might, consider a change
The-logo-resembles a TV station
I hope you don't get sued
Just being honest, I don't - I don't - I don't mean to be rude...

I - I'm actually excited
to get my hands on CS4
Ohh
Won't you tell when it releases
Tell me when it releases
Tell me cause I can hardly hardly wait

I said I'll be first in line
CS4
Oh, man I say I'll be first in line
CS4
Just make sure it's finished before-you-release it
CS4

Another song about the ActionScript 3 Learning curve.

With or Without AS3
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of U2 "With or Without You")

See the fear that's in my eyes
I'll have to learn-you-now I realize
But I'm afraid of you.

I-was an expert in Flash before
I made great sites and won awards
But I dumb-now suddenly
Actionscript 3
Actionscript 3

I thought I knew a lot before
Had the-program down
But now there's more
And completely different

With or without Flash
(howl) With or without as3
I won't survive now
If I-don't become a geek

pause

And I'll have to relearn
Or the cash I will not earn
I'll adapt
I'll retool
So I don't look like a fool

My brain is fried
My carpal tunnels are inflamed
I'm programming more now and
Adobe is to blame
And there's no looking back
Can't survive now if I'm a hack
It's-getting worse
Now there's Flex
and what the heck is that?
With or without Flash
With or without as3
I was-a designer
Now I have to be a geek

(passionate lament/howling)
And the help files suck
Its no wonder that I'm stuck
I think I'll stand-on-the-freeway-and-wait
for a truck.

With or without Flash
With or without as3
I won't survive now
Unless I become a geek
Unless I become a geek

Tip jar: Inspire me to write more songs:

All programmers - no matter how smart - have gotten hopelessly stuck. This song is for all of us.

I Still Haven't Found the Bug I'm Looking For
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of U2 "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For")

I have traced every var
I have tested every line
Only to hit a wall
Only to hit a wall
I have compiled
I have called
My coder friends, they're all lost
I'm on my own
I guess I'll try again.

But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for
But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for

I haven't missed anything
My syntax is all clean
I've analyzed it
Over and over

I have examined my previous version
It works fine, so what have I done
To this new iteration
Why does it bomb?

But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for
But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for

(Jam)

When I compile-and run my program
It's inconsistent sometimes it works
But most of the time
I get that error.

I think I fixed it, and I
Got it solved
A celebration
I'm-dancing around
Then it crashes again
It's eight hours now...

But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for
But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for
But I still haven't found the-bug I'm looking for

OOP - I can't comprehend
By Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Britney Spears "Oops I did it again")

(Pathetic sniffling)...

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I really-can't understand
I know that I should, but it's not my friend
You tell me that-I-should make a class
Package it up to-be reusable
I'm tapping all my intelligence
But my brain's just not big enough
So complicated

You see my issue is this
I'm just a designer
Who now has to be a programmer too
I try, but I'm in a daze.
Can't you see, that
I'm lost in sooo many ways
I've watched all the tutorials
Read 400-page books too
It's hopeless...

OOP I can't comprehend
tried real hard
I'm lost in this abstract concept
And you probably think that I'm hopeless
I'm just not gettin it!

OOP a ridiculous word!
The dumbest I've heard!
and so hard to learn
I'll never get it!

OOP I'm gonna quit my job
and sell some shoes
At the local Walmart
OOP I can't comprehend
It stands for "Object-Oriented Programming"
OOP you think I'll give up
But I need a job
So I'll keep on trying...

(More pathetic blubbering)...

All designers have done it (including me often). The sin of the bloated website that needs a preloader.

A Long Preloader
by Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Counting Crows "Long December")

A long preloader and there's reason to believe
Maybe this site will load slower than the rest.
I can't remember the last thing I was doin' when it started
and it barely has progressed.

And it's one more minute-of staring blankly
And it's one more hour of my life spent
If you think it might-be finished loading
Think again (na, na...yeah)

What IS it that I'm waiting for?
All I ever wanted was-to buy myself
a new camping tent.
I wish that I could afford broadband in my home
But I'm poor and I don't think that I can

And it's one more minute-of staring blankly
And it's one more hour of my life spent
If you think it might-be finished loading
Not a chance (na, na...yeah)

(bridge)

I think it's half way now some time around 2:00 AM.
I sit up in my chair and-try not to sleep
I guess past half-way it loads a little slower
Makes my hopes a little lower
Makes me-hate-the-web a little mo-re

And-it's-been-a long preloader
And there's reason to believe
Before-its-finished I will certainly be dead
I can't believe a web designer could be so heartless
Making something thats so bloated for the web

And it's one more minute-of staring blankly...
And it's one more moment of my life spent...
If I ever find that web designer,
I'll punch him in the head

(na, na...yeah)

Tip jar: Inspire me to write more songs:

All Flash designers wish they had a FlashForward Film Festival Orange rubber arrow award on their desk.

If I Had An Arrow
by Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Josh Groban "When You Say You Love Me")

I-got online, filled out the entry form
I hit submit and my heart was a-storm
I'm hoping, they'll notice me
Submission confirmation email came
Proofread my website url and name
I entered-it correctly
Now could it be, that they'll select me
And honor my site
I'm hoping with all my might...

If I had an arrow
I'd get big clients and be a star
Just one orange arrow
In an instant, they'd admire-me from afar

You're the-e one-prize that I've always dreamed of
I don't know why but-I-feel-obsessed-to-have-you on my desk
It's where you belong
And when its dar-rk and-if-I-close my eyes
of your fluorescent o-range I-fantasize
The ultimate prize
I would be king, of conference and the-web
And be big time, If only I had one arrow...

If I had an arrow
I'd get big clients and be a star
Just one orange arrow
In an instant, they'd admire-me from afar

And this profession that we're in,
Sometimes it gets so hard, but I-just keep on trying
Some-recognition would be nice
That's all I ask of you
judges wherever you are...

If I had an arrow
I'd get big clients and be a star
Just one orange arrow
In an instant, they'd admire-me from afar

Just one orange arrowwwwww

Just one rubber arrow
Do you know how I need you?

If you used to be a Flash expert and you are now trying to learn Adobe Flash ActionScript 3, this song's for you.

They Took My Underscore Away
by Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Leo Sawyer's "More Than I Can Say")

Wo u wo u yeh ee yeh ee
They took my underscore away
Now 1 for full opacity
But still 100 in-the-IDE

iPhonelicious
by Matt Maxwell
(Sung/rapped to the tune of Fergie "Fergalicious")

Listen up y'all 'cause this is it,
the device that I'm holding is really slick...

iPhonelicious definition makes them nerds go loco
The hype they are beleivin' so they stand in line 'til sundown
You can clutch me, multi-touch me
I am 3G, I am shiny
I got features that will blow your mind
So ditch your lame phone and get...

iPhonelicious
You'll get delirious!
Just-spend a minute with me and you'll get real serious
Ya-won't-have issues.
You'll-surrender-your CREDIT CARD
after linin' down the block
Just to get what I got.

You just use your finger,
you don't need a mouse!
You can scroll it up, and then scroll it down!
You can zoom in, you can zoom out!
And if you tilt it, the browser turns around!!!...

It's iPhonelicious!

I sang this as part of a talk I gave at Flash Camp St Louis. It questions the conventional wisdom that collaborative environments are the best way to work.

Collaboration Sucks
by Matt Maxwell
(Sung to the tune of Neal Diamond "Love on the Rocks")

Collaborating sucks
You're probably surprised
To hear me say this
Because all of our lives
It's crammed down our throats
That-team-players-are-essential to survive.

(Sung by Designer)
Gave-you my-design
Handed-over my soul
These margins are way off
And-where-did-my-drop-shadows-go?
You sliced 'em all off
My rounded-corners-and-bevels are-no-show.
(Angrily: And where did my reflections go...)

Do you need new glasses?
How could you be so stupid?
Don't you know that-awards await me
if you follow my design?
You're doing this on purpose
You passive aggressive tech turd
You say you'll fix it, then-you-make-it-worse
There's no resemblance (it's just perverse)
to my original design.

(Sung by Programmer)
I know what you want
But my hands are all tied
IE6 has to work, I've honestly tried
And I'm so very tired
Cause I stayed up all night
playing World of Warcraft

First you want it this way
Then you decide to change it
How-come-you-can't make up your mind
This is version twenty-four.
And you're so condescending
Don't pretend to be my friend now
Just so you can get your way
I will not change it, we launch today.
I'm ignoring your dismay.

Collaborating sucks
Such a big waste of time
Dictatorship really-needs-to-be-tried
And now back to work
Pretending-and-hoping
That-we'll get-along

(Can you just move it 2 pixels over?...
Please just just 2 pixels...
Get out of my cubicle. You smell like the Apple Store)