Monday, 16 December 2013

It has been a long week, dear Melted Felt
readers, where greedy entitled lazy cunts all around the world have likened
their quest to get more for doing less with the lifelong struggles of Nelson
Mandela.

At least the sad death of such an epic guy
had a happy ending for one individual.

With the scandal fake deaf signer Thamsanqa
Jantjie still reverberating around the echo chamber of online news, we are
happy to announce that he has found a new job in the poker industry.

Thamsanga has accepted the role of heading
up withdrawals at Lock Poker, and will start as soon as he comes out of hiding.

You may be surprised at this appointment,
but insiders are almost certainly not.

He has all the right qualifications,
including:

- - The balls to stand up in front
of billions of people talking absolute nonsense (well, signing, but hey, that’s
good enough for Lock).

- - A prior conviction for
Theft. (ok, he did get caught, but
nobody is perfect)

- - Got away with Murder. (probably!)

- - Trusted enough to stand with
world leaders including Obama. (as long as nobody checks)

Lock are 100% confident that Thamsanga will
have the payout issues solved and the poker site back on track within days.

If not, well, it was all the Revolution Gaming
network’s fault, and a rogue payment processor and some dodgy players pretending
to be affiliates and… what issues? There are no fucking issues! Just one or two
people, no big deal, they created the problem for themselves by doing something
wrong, nope, we can’t tell you what, of course our payments are among the
fastest in the industry… Just ask Tham.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

We know that PokerStars have lead the way
in technology, dear Melted Felt readers, but today I can exclusively reveal an innovation
that will simply blow your mind.

In 2014, bad beats will be delivered by
Drone.

You’ll get to the turn way ahead, confident
of hitting that final table or winning a huge cash game pot. Instead of seeing
the river card online, you’ll hear the approaching hum of a quadcopter. This
will arrive at your window with a box attached, which will contain your river
card. Knowing your luck this will be that 2-outer that you were dreading,
again.

Already accounting clerks who never shot
anything bigger than a spud-gun have posted tough-sounding Facebook messages
saying they’ll be hunting the drones down.

Already people who will never make anything
happen in their entire lives have declared that nobody will be able to make it
happen.

Already, you are starting to worry that
2014 will not actually be the year you ‘finally catch a break’, and wondering
if losing all that money over a number of years can really be explained by
being ‘good but unlucky’.

But What If I Win The Hand?

I get it. You want to know if the drones
will also deliver winning cards, after all, if there are two people in the hand
and no tie possible, then one of them has to win – right?

Wrong!

The thing is, that online poker is
specifically rigged against you.

Yes, you.

That low value player from an average
neighborhood whose main contribution to the poker world is the occasional whine
in the chat-box.

An entire team of highly skilled
programmers, psychologists and AI experts has come together to specifically rig
the games to make you lose. The clever thing is that they have managed to do
this while maintaining the randomness of the deal over billions of hands
tracked by millions on individuals and tracking services.

Clever, eh?

This team have cunningly come together to
take your $8 Sit N Go entry fees, a little more often than average, even though you’d
lose it anyway over any significant sample size.

So, no problem with the drones bringing bad
beats there then, you’ll hear the hum and know that the river card is going to
beat you again.

We asked a spokesperson from Stars to comment,
only they were far too busy laughing at the fact that their seasonal promotion
is bigger than all the other poker sites, casinos and sports-betting operators
combined to reply.