Thursday, April 8, 2010

intermish: psych ward release party

This entry was penned last week, April 6. I've been so busy living, literally, I have not had time to lay an egg in the roost. My wings are tired, but I'm back. Just like the Foo Fighters said (and I predicted last year):

Into the night we shineLighting the way we glide byCatch me if I get too highIf I come downI'll be coming home next year

I am home. I mistakenly thought home was where the marriage is. Turns out, home is wherever I am, and no place else.

without further ado:

woo fucking wee. i thought running a cafe into the ground for a year was hard work. not so much compared to the last year i've spent. i'm 365 (+ 1) days free of who i never meant to be. tonight, one year ago, i was cracked out in a pharmaceutical anti-pscychotic coma to counterbalttle the existential coma from which i was trying to wake. the only explanation i can offer you to decipher that statement is: you have to spend 72 hours in the custody of social services' most mediocre, surrounded by some of your local society's most psychologically and socially unfit (not to be confused with social services' most mediocre) to comprehend the the soundness of your own sanity. i remember it as if it were last week.

speaking of which.

last week i wondered how i could possibly celebrate such a momentous anniversary. one of the recurring themes in my police report, psych ward records, and supposedly hypomanic rants was the unibomber and kurt cobain. i may or may not have mentioned those two infamous side shows in the context of "dying or getting reborn." the point lost on all 911-callers in question is that for a person who finds sleep to be a necessary nuisance/abysmal waste of precious time, an eternal dirt nap is not really a first-tier option. rebirth however, and not in an evangelical kind of way, was what i was after and what i have ultimately achieved -- in 364 days or less.

the biggest lie i've ever told to my mind, my life, and my single-sided history is that it matters what other people think of me. as soon as i let that negative perception, exaggerated and exascerbated by my losses and failures, wheedle its way into my grandiose and everything-is-possible soundtrack, i imploded. easy as that. i realize now that i can't blame any of this on anybody but me. the me who didn't want to walk out the door, but apparently needed to.

remember when i was foo fighting my way to acceptance:

Doll You know in all of the times that we've sharedI've never been so scaredDoll me up in my bad luckI'll meet you there

I wish i never had taken this dareI wasn't quite preparedDoll me up in my bad luckI'll meet you there

Monkey Wrench (hi, chag ; )One last thing before I quitI never wanted any more than I could fitInto my head I still remember every single wordYou said and all the shit that somehow came along with itStill there's one thing that comforts me since I wasAlways caged and now I'm free

Don't want to be your monkey wrenchOne more indecent accidentI'd rather leave than suffer thisI'll never be your monkey wrenchHey, Johnny Park Come and I'll take you under,This beautiful bruises colours,Everything fades in time it's true.

Wish that I had another,Stab at the under cover,Was it a change in mind for you?

It's impossible,I can't let it out,You'll never know,Am I selling you out?Sit and watch,Your every mood.

My Poor BrainThis is a black outDon't let it go to wasteThis is a black outI want to detonate

Sometimes I wish that I could changeI can't save you from my poor brain

Wind UpI have a choice between the bat or the beltEach time I hear about the hand you've been dealtSpare me confession it's confession you sellMaybe I'll fall behind but I don't mind because I'll catch up

Will I be happy on the back of the shelfWill you be happy when we're sharing a cellSpare me your questions since you know me so wellSomeday you'll realize that I get shy and I choke up

I want a song that's indelibleLike manimalI hope you never see me wind upWhat is wrong with this animalI'm terribleI hope you never see me wind up

Farewell my sweet paramania

Up In ArmsI was the one who left youAlways coming back I cannot forget you girlNow I am up in arms again

My HeroToo alarming now to talk aboutTake your pictures down and shake it outTruth or consequence, say it aloudUse that evidence, race it around

There goes my heroWatch him as he goesThere goes my heroHe’s ordinary

See YouI'm done resenting you,You represented me so well.And this I promise you,How could I end up in the hands of someone else?

These notes are marked return to senderI'll save this letter for myself

February StarsEven thoughI watched you come and goHow was I to knowYou'd steal the show

One day I'll have enough to gambleIll wait to hear your final callAnd bet it all

February starsFloating in the DarkTemporary scarsFebruary stars

EverlongAnd I wonderWhen I sing along with youIf everything could ever feel this real foreverIf anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of youYou've got to promise not to stop when I say when

Walking After YouIf you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some moreWeren't you adored?

I cannot be without you, matter of factI'm on your back

Big MeBig me to talk about itI could stand to proveif we can get around itI know that it's trueStacked ActorsGod bless, what a sensitive mess,Yeah, but things aren't always what they seem.Your teary eyes, your famous disguise,Never knowing who to believe.See through, yeah but what do you do,When you're just another aging drag queen.

Stack dead actors, stacked to the rafters,Line up the bastards all I want is the truth.BreakoutYou make me dizzy running circles in my headOne of these days I'll chase you downWell look who's going crazy nowWe're face to face my friendBetter get outBetter get outYou know you make me break outMake me break outI don't want to look like that

Learn to FlyRun and tell all of the angelsThis could take all nightThink I need a devil to help me get things rightHook me up a new revolutionCause this one is a lieWe sat around laughing and watched the last one die

And I'm looking to the sky to save meLooking for a sign of lifeLooking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complicationLooking cause I'm tired of lyingMake my way back home when I learn to fly

Gimme StitchesI'll always be the one who runs from everyoneCause everyone's just too weirdSink with someone tied to meI'm making you volunteerAnother one has come and goneThey crawl along, make them disappearDress me up in stitches it's now or neverTired of wearing black and blueDress me up in stitches it's now or neverDying to get my blood on you

GeneratorLately I'm getting betterWish I could stay sick with youBut there's too many egos left to bruiseCall it sin, you can call it whateverEating deep inside of youWell if it were me, it's all I'd ever doSteal me now and foreverI'll steal something good for youThe criminal in me is no one newTill you find something betterWhen there's nothing left to useAnd everything starts going down on you

I'm the Generator, firing whenever you quitYeah whatever it is, you go out and it's on

Time Like TheseI am a new day risingI'm a brand new skyTo hang the stars upon tonightI am a little dividedDo I stay or run awayAnd leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again

And finally,

Over And Out Restless little oneComfortable and warmLet me fall apartCrippled in your arms

Chase me through the darkReady on your markFirst to reach the starsWins a broken heartOne that broke apartShattered from the start

Are you there?Do you read me?Are you there?I don't feel you anymore

Cages and alarmsKeeping us from harmI will be the guardHope to rest upon

Could I be the oneTo break a will so strongPray it won't be longTil your will is goneEverything is doneNothing left at all

if living well is the best revenge, then i am exacting vengeance with a vengeance. if you've been wondering what i've been doing with my time lately, i can assure you with great conviction that i am doing exactly every.single.thing. i have ever loved doing all at once, thanks to my unemployment check (a.k.a. glorious alimony)