DERF Happy Hour

I'm paid handsomely for my ability to stay ahead of you, the reader.

To me, being a highly successful magazine columnist is like playing a chess game with millions of readers simultaneously. And I play this particular brand of chess better than anyone. I have the ability to anticipate what you, the reader, want to read about next. It's like I can read every reader's mind all at once. For instance I chose the topic of this week's column because I know that every reader wanted to read about how I know what every reader wants to read about.

When you consider that I can understand and satisfy the desires of millions of fans, it is easy to see that my skills are almost God-like. How do I do it? I believe it is partly a gift I was born with and partly the result of years of dedicated skill development. Just as a Ninja moves stealthily through the black of night, I quietly create a masterpiece each week that perfectly meets the needs of everyone who reads it. Both the Ninja and I defy the odds in breathtaking fashion. There is only one difference between us: The Ninja's weapon is a deadly sword and my weapon is an innovative wireless keyboard made by Logitech. I included that last line because I have the insight to know my readers are interested to know what kind of keyboard I use when I write my columns.

So far in this column I have used three metaphors (Chess, God, and Ninja). Having the ability to pack this many metaphors into a few brief paragraphs is another reason I am so highly paid. Also my powers of perception have informed me that my readers cherish the use of metaphors.

As you may have guessed I already know what you, the reader, want to read about next week and the week after that. Rest assured, each column will leave you breathless just as this one did.