I guess this is more of a re-introduction than an introduction but I've not posted on the site properly in a while so thought it best to put something here. I got some help on here a few years back and now I'm thinking now it might be a the right time for me to hang around here some more. I've occasionally logged in and read posts over the years so haven't been completely out of the loop with things but have rarely felt able to contribute something myself for some reason.

A lot of the time I feel like a yo yo, bouncing between periods of manic positivity about having overcome the abuse, and deep despair and anguish that I am still controlled by it. I've become very good at hiding these emotions from the world so I can function with my job, friends, family etc, but the feelings of guilt and shame are always bubbling just below the surface. Don't know if anyone else can relate to this flip-flopping on perceptions of my recovery but sometimes it feels like you're going around in circles.

A few weeks ago during one of my manically positive episodes, I posted a full account of my experience on one of the forums here. I left it for a few days but immediately after I posted felt intense shame about what I had done. I felt that I had let too much of myself go on the page and after a couple of days I had to pull it down again. I guess I was ashamed not only of the story but of my pathetic attempts to put a positive spin on things and make it a happy story it so clearly wasn't.

So yeah, it's good to be back and I'm looking forward to making some new friends along the way.

Shame is a by product of the abuse. It haunts all of us. We can all say to a fellow survivor--you were a child and it was not your fault, he/she was the adult and it is their shame. But when we look ourselves, not so easy to accept. But with healing-talking about it, surrounding yourself with quality supporters you will be to realize you were the child and it is not shame--you survived and have much to offer. I struggled for so long with shame and guilt, as I let it go, my life is changing for the best--I feel valued, my confusion as to who I am is waning, I have learned to accept the part of me, the child I disowned and this part of me felt special about the abuser (boy this one wreaked havoc on me because of the disgust any part of me say something special about the abuse) and my experiences of lost time and fugues is waning-I want to feel safe now and now seeking abuse or someone like the abuser. So try to let go--write, talk or whatever to help you let it go--it is what holds many of us back. I know you can do it, if you stumble so what, we are here to help you.

There's so much I'd like to say, but can't. Saying something or writing it down, particularly "certain" words that we must use, hurts so much more than just thinking about it to ourselves. It feels like being stabbed in the gut sometimes to put these things into words and to express them outwardly.

Originally Posted By: KMCINVA

We can all say to a fellow survivor--you were a child and it was not your fault, he/she was the adult and it is their shame. But when we look ourselves, not so easy to accept.

I know just what you mean here, KMCINVA. For me it's more extreme even than that. I become enraged if I hear of another's abuse to the point where I struggle to control myself, even when it is fictional. There is a TV show in Europe called Borgen, where a storyline involved some very difficult and visceral scenes involving abuse of a child. Only someone who experienced abuse themselves could have written these scenes, it was so real and very triggering for me. My anger built up till I couldn't take it any longer. I jumped up from the sofa, screamed and hurled the controller right at the TV. I think my partner was pretty freaked out by that, but he understands me thankfully

For myself though I can't be angry at my perp, though I know I should be. I live this, it is my normality, fucked up though it is. I can't pity myself either for what happened in the past. I think part of it may be that this all happened at 14 in my teens, not a little child. For an (almost)adult I was very easily manipulated and I was big for my age so was strong enough to have resisted. I know how ridiculous the above paragraph sounds, even as I write it. When people refute this, logically I can agree with them, but in my head and my heart I have always felt a lesser victim and that I have no right to be so deeply affected in light of the suffering of others in this world. Stupid, I know.

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