Ladies, gather round. I know you've been wondering how to spice up your New Year's Eve and make it the sexiest night of the year, and you've come to exactly the right place for advice on how to make that happen. I've spent the last decade or so upping my game every single NYE, making each one hotter and more memorable than the last, and I'm here to share some of my most sensual tips on how to have a mutually, ah, beneficial night. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

The first step towards a mind-blowingly climactic New Year's is to set the stage. You need the right outfit, something that says exactly what sort of sexy energy you're going to bring tonight. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about ...

... I'm talking about 1) sweatpants. Yoga pants can do in a pinch, of course, but you need maximum flexibility, girlfriend. You need to release your boundaries. You need to create space for all those holiday indulgences. You need -- say it with me -- elastic.

2) You're gonna need a comfy couch, too. Oh sure, some people might be dressing up to the nines and teetering down the freezing streets in sky-high heels and belting out champagne-soaked cheers, but are you going to blindly follow the lead of thousands of midnight-kissing New Year's revelers, or are you going to forge your own path?

3) The next step is the most critical, and it must be performed with your partner. Gently, even tentatively ... then a little faster. A little harder. Yes, that's it. Oh, yeah, keep going. Just ... yes, exactly like that, god, you are flipping through those new release movies so good. Don't stop! Oh, don't stop, not yet, not until ...

Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.

Is that a movie that neither of you have seen, with a Rotten Tomatoes critics score of 85%??

Press play. Press play. PRESS PLAY! YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!

Ooooooooooh, yeah. Now, this part is optional, but if 4) you happen to have made nachos, this would be a really excellent time to start eating them.

And there you have it, the most satisfying New Year's Eve plans a couple can possibly make. For an extra added sexy touch, when it's 10:52 p.m., you can 5) blearily kiss your husband and fall into bed, secure in the fact that you TiVo'd the ball drop.