The Presbyterian Church (USA) has decided to join the BDS Movement (boycott/divestment/sanctions), and boycott Israeli products.

Who cares?

The BDS movement is an example of mindless political grandstanding, with virtually no negative repercussions for the state and people of Israel. Of all the things Israelis may stay up contemplating, BDS is not one of them.

I do feel sorry about the upcoming demise of the Presbyterians, though; they had seemed to be a decent enough sort, you know, if you just kind of gloss over the Jew-hating streak.

Let me explain what will happen here. It is virtually impossible to live without Israeli technology. Even the Amish, a determined and non-technologically oriented bunch, couldn’t manage it, and don’t claim to want to, as they believe in modern medical technology.

So here’s some things the Presbyterians are going to have to learn to live without.

Computers and phones, for starters. All Intel Pentium and Celeron chips, the Ivy bridge processor, and Microsoft operating systems–gone. Apple–no bites for you. Should you somehow cobble together a computer out of paper clips and gum, you will no longer be able to use a firewall, so enjoy your five minutes of surfing before viruses crash your system. But in the few minutes before the crash? Facebook and its add-ons? No. Aol? No again. Google? Still nope. Yahoo? Out of luck. Hotmail? Notmail for you. And you can’t save your stuff, because USBs–uh-huh. Email in general? Sorry, the algorithm that allows you to send emails was also invented by an Israeli. The technology for mobile phones is also completely Jewed-up by Israeli inventors. SMS and 4G–guess who? Voice mail, even on your land-line–yup, shalom again. Want to print this out so you can savor the good old days when you had Web access–not so fast, you may be using Israeli ink-saving printer devices. It’s OK though, I hear quill pens are trending.

Feeling restless? Feel free to pollute the planet with vintage gas guzzlers, but kiss your electric cars goodbye, along with any regular cars with onboard computing. (Hint–that’s pretty much all of them.) Most public transportation is out as well. Flying? That’s probably not going to work out for you. Maybe this will comfort you when you can no longer use your GPS either.

Well, at least you can stay home and relax, even if you can no longer communicate with others. How about a little TV? Oh, video on demand is gone now too. Relax with a good e-book? Nice thought, but no. Movies? Heh-heh. Remember who runs Hollywood?

Maybe something tasty to ease the pain? No more cherry tomatoes, they were developed in Israel. Coke and a smile? Time to frown. Coke is heavily invested in Israel, as is Little Debbie, so step away from the snack cakes. How about a spoonful of honey? Not after Israel’s work against bee colony collapse. A lot of fruit from South America is marketed by Israeli brands, so that’s out, as are food products from many countries in Africa, as well as from China, India, Indonesia, the UK, and numerous other places that use Israeli irrigation and agricultural technology. That’s OK, you can till the earth with your own bare hands with all the free time you have now that you’ve given up on phones, the internet, TV, and movies. But what are you going to eat until your harvest comes in? Hmm. Sticky one. Don’t try to tide yourself over with matzoh, just a thought. And don’t even think of trading any stray diamonds you have lying around for a pot of gruel or something. You know where I’m going with this one.

You could use a fuzzy sweater for comfort? But then there’s the garment trade. Oh wait, surprise, who do we find there? Have fun with the hand-sewing. Time to invest in a loom.

While you’re at it, it’s really time to get your prayer on, because if you get sick, it’s all over. You’re basically living in the nineteenth century now, you self-sufficient BDSers. And what was the life expectancy back then? Not good, Presbyterians, not good. Meanwhile, who are you praying to? The God of the Old Testament? You might want to avoid mentioning that you’re boycotting His chosen people. How about Jesus the Jew? Oops. By the way, if someone decides to smite you by having the ground swallow you up whole, remember you won’t have your earthquake warning alert anymore either. Moving forward, I don’t recall the Buddha being big on anti-Semitism, not sure how that’s going to play out for you. Thor? At least you have the Halls of Asgard to aspire to. Oh wait, the Presbyterians have also been instrumental in the temperance movement. Try telling Thor you’re not fond of Jews or booze. It’s Hammer-time. Unless you want to add red meat to your boycott, the Hindus are out as well.

Meanwhile, how’s life back in your cozy home? Bit dim there? A tad chilly? Well, your smart thermostat’s no longer working. And you know what happened to the blackout prevention systems for your electricity. The fate of your solar power backup should be clear too. All gone, but you’ll barely notice at this point, as your mind swims in the noxious fog of all the untreated sewage around you. Glad to hear you’re enjoying your out-house and staggering barefoot to the nearest untreated water source. Half-naked, shivering and squinting by candlelight as you knit with dirty wool, your body shakes with a wracking cough, your insides snarl with cholera, and the malnutrition eats away at your bones, while you dream of all the music you can’t even sadly hum to yourself as it was made with Israeli technology or by people who support the state of Israel. There may be sympathy for the Devil, although there’s none in your future. But stand by those principles. Good for you! Since you also had to kiss your credit cards and the fraud prevention on your bank accounts good-bye, it’s just as well that you’ve abandoned Israeli technology, as you’re now dead broke and can’t afford it. Just remember somewhere there’s clean and well-dressed Israelis with plates full of fresh food and good glasses of wine, chatting with nice people from all over the world and checking the market and the latest entertainment on their phones, while their expert doctors invent the next-life-saving devices just for them. Coming soon, Israeli flying fold-up cars, you’re really going to hate missing out on those. The Israelis have already turned jellyfish into diapers. Jellyfish swaddled babies? Who does that? Come on, you know you want it. Not for you though. You’re wiping your babies with straw.

Since you can no longer visit these places, call them, or read about them in anything but your local library’s…whoops, you can’t check out books either. Pesky computers. Ink again too. Maybe if you’re lucky a friend of yours will crush some berries, pluck a goose, hand-copy this out for you on a scrap of bark, and strap it to a pigeon. Watch out for bird flu, cause, you know…

Oh, and what about the results of your heroic sacrifice in the name of anti-Semitism? What did the BDS movement actually accomplish? Well, perhaps a few Israeli date farmers lost half a percentage point on their sales, at which point they were bailed out by an Israeli tech company or venture capital fund looking for a tax write-off. The alarming die-off of all the Presbyterians scared the rest of the lying BDS hypocrites right back into the arms of Israeli technology, which the rest of the world had never dreamed of abandoning, and the Israelis still got paid. But as for you, the true believer, the biased and BDS-practicing, last of the Presbyterians, well, enjoy the darkness. The Israelis will always have tikkun olam, and be a light unto the nations.

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