Read some of Schlurricane's 36 posts

You just endure a break up? My apologies. But also… congratulations, you’re free! Two opposing notions can be equally true and appropriate. The bottom line is you need a rebound, and now that you have to pay all the utilities solo, a cheaper option is best. So hit up your ex-ex-ex, or just stick with the acronym form of the same. Either way, don’t waste more than a couple of hours, because it’s August and that means it’s crunch time for fantasy baseball. While your standings and players end-of-year stats may represent a full season’s work, all that you can control from this point forward is which players’ points you pile up. In basketball, they call the end of a blowout “garbage time” because it allows the scrubs to come in and pile up stats. That’s the focus of this post. We’re going to focus on waiver wire guys who should be able to help you rest of season despite the fact that up to this point in time they’ve been essentially unrosterable.

After nearly three consecutive months of travel and boozing I think I might just be falling apart. I have little to complain about jumping from bachelor party, to wedding, to cider launch party and returning home to the heart of wine country. But, add in the grind of the fantasy season, nursing a pregnant wife and, well, nursing a pregnant wife and I’m all but convinced I am going to need to replace approximately 50% of my organs in the next 8 years. It’s time to bare down and build a bit of a stack at DraftKings as the final third of the season commences and put it all on the long shot to win the Super Bowl. Ok, not sound gambling advice, but I’m feeling like it’s all or nothing with these failing organs of mine!

Before you build your lineup today, ensure that you’ve taken a good look at the DFSBot. Rudy’s phenomenal tool, as Mrs. Gamble calls it, cranks out the day’s best value plays and even breaks it down to expected $ per point. As the Ombotsman has proven, the DFSBot has been a much more accurate method of ranking value than Draftkings salaries have been.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

I’ve been forced to travel a lot lately. Today’s installment comes to you from the friendly confines of the Denver airport. I just came out of the smoking lounge. People are crazy out here, man. I was excited because I thought all U.S. airports had done away with indoor smoking lounges. I went in, sparked a cig and like 20 people gave me dirty looks until one guy ran over flailing his arms and yelling at me that I was “harshing the whole room’s mellow!” I wasn’t bothering anyone! Whatever. I left. I guess that’s why they got rid of the indoor smoking lounges. People go crazy in there. I feel tingly after being in there for only 30 seconds. Anyway, on to Draftkings!

Today’s bold prediction: The Washington Nationals will be kicking the Rox all over the place today. Not bold enough? It gets bolder. (or Boulder?) Jordan Zimmermannat $8,800 is worthy of starting today. I’m recommending to start a pitcher in Coors Field. And as such, I shall start my obituary as a DFS writer… Yes, I understand how risky Coors is for pitchers and I’m slightly ok with it anyway. Zimmerman has owned the Rockies in his career and he’s not afraid to pitch in Coors. Over the past 3+ seasons, Zimmerman is 2-0 with a 2.13 ERA at Coors Field. He’s sporting his best K rates of his career and the Rockies are cold and injured. Tulowitzki is doubtful for today’s game, and if he’s out I’ll roll out Zimmerman. Cuddyer is out and Arenado and CarGo just came back from injuries and haven’t gotten it going.

I’m also gonna stack Washington hitters today. Which Nats players you ask? If he’s in the starting lineup for the Nats today, I’d stack him. Yep any of em. I don’t care who it is. Name him, I’d stack him. That sounds dirty, but it isn’t. It’s ok. Just do it. If you haven’t stacked yet, today is your day. This one is so luscious. The entire lineup is hot right now. They’re in Coors. Yohan Flande. Yohan Flande? Yohan Flande! That was fun.

Speaking of fun… join a bunch of Razzballers for a friendly 20 team league over at DraftKings. I’ve added to the fun by paying out the top 5. If you’re signing up for the first time, make sure to use our link to sign up. Think of it as voting for your favorite fantasy site! Don’t wanna play with us small timers? Well try the big time tourney with a $20 buy-in for the $100K pot by clicking here. Top prize gets $20K. That could afford you a couple of nights in Paris! I’m sure she could use the publicity at this point, anyway.

We’re gonna need to find ways to afford all those expensive Nats hitters. The DFSBot has been impressively accurate in predicting player values. Make sure you put it to use in your favor and check your starting lineups prior to first pitch. Here’s a few guys I recommend as well:

The first half is in the books. You suffered through the HR Derby and stomached the ASG. Congratulations, you’ve weathered the first “half” storm. We have about 65-70 games left, depending on the team, and you now have a good look at your team. Or do you? Plenty of players have outperformed expectations and a seemingly equivalent contingent of guys have been duds. I’m not gonna bore you with a long intro here. Let’s look at guys who should have increased value rest of season. Buy em or don’t sell em, but use it to your advantage.

In my first ever post on points leagues in the beginning of May, I left you with the closing statement, “POINTS ARE POINTS. SELL THE NAME TO WIN THE GAME.” The premise is simple, don’t worry about the guys who garner all the attention in traditional category leagues. Find ways to score more points, regardless of the players’ name recognition value. Points leagues are their own little fantasy worlds that exist under some vary skewed parameters. Think of points leagues like fetish porn. Razzballin does invoke some interesting imagery as the title of an adult film. Eeeee… Some thoughts just can’t be unremembered. Grab some hard stuff and throw it back to help ease trauma. The foreplay of the season is behind us and July signals the time to really turn it on to make the push for your fantasy playoffs. Let’s get you lubed for some nice 2nd half moves.

The only real stat that matters in daily fantasy is points. Millions of ways to try and predict it. We’ve tried a slew of things and nothing is foolproof. But some seem to be hitmakers more than others. At least, certain statistical metrics are currently sexy and people care about them. About a decade ago Percy Miller aka Master P choreographed an ensemble of durty down south rappers into a group called the 504 Boyz who pioneered New Orleans bounce music, too many loudasses with a microphone at once on stage and a song called Wobble Wobble. It was really popular. Now it’s really popular to listen to wOBA wOBA when it comes to DFS. Sheeeeit! I’ll agree it’s a good prediction tool, fool!

I’m liking another Master P today in Masahiro Tanaka as the most extravagantly priced option as a pitcher at $11,300. The Indians do hit RHP in the top 15 percentile, but so do the Blue Jays and Athletics who he has shut down already this year. I’ve got Q’s about Bumgarner and Teheran today too so I’m not mindin those P’s. They’re still good options, but if I’m spendin, I want the Masa. With that, let’s see what other DraftKings picks we have up our sleeve…

Every major leaguer knows that there is absolutely no crying in baseball. Then there’s Hall of Fame speeches. I’m preparing mine right now for the DFS Hall of Shame for last week, and believe me, there’s plenty of wet spots on the notecards. After an abysmal call on Kazmir as my top choice last week I’ve had to take my lumps, swallow my pride and get back out there. I apologize to all of you and shed a tear on your behalf if you listened to me last week. No reason to stay attached to the whipping post so I pushed harder with my most active week on Draftkings to date and I’ve been able to regain some of the swagger with a 70% gain in bankroll since that fabled day.

With all that said, there is one thing becoming true that we all can’t ignore: The San Diego Padres are the most pathetic offense I have watched in my 10+ years of analyzing baseball. They are the living embodiment of AAAA. Chase Headley, Jedd Gyorko and Carlos Quentin were supposed to be the only guys who busted them out of that mold and they have been the worst of the bunch. When Seth Smith is your best offering, you have no offering.

Life in the bay area can be a colorful sight. I’m riding home from work yesterday and the highway is bumper to bumper – more packed than usual – the rears of vehicles adorned with various shapes of rainbow paraphernalia. It’s International Pride Week and, as the nation’s capital of gay pride, “The City by the Bay” attracts an exceptional number of supporters of chromosome prejudice. It’s also home to the some of the most outstanding pitchers and catchers, both on the field and off. This isn’t a blog about sexscapades, unless Tehol is writing, and, as such, here’s an ode to pitchers and catchers—on the field.

Please accept my apology for the following attempt at humor and liberal use of things that an adult audience should find acceptable. I have my misgivings, but on this momentous weekend, here’s to tying it all together!

Rock and Roll. Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley and and Little Richard got it going. Elvis made it sexy. The Beatles made it ok to admit you liked it. Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd made it hallucinogenic. The Stones and Aerosmith kept it alive. Motley Crue and Skid Row made it pretty and disgusting. Then Sean Combs, alias TBD, got the idea to sample all of it–to middling results. And other dudes annihilated it. Thanks Nickelback and Creed and Puddle of Mudd and Dookie and the Bunghole Fish. No really, thank you! Cuz now it’s far more exciting to concern ourselves with sports, fantasy sports, boob jobs and bacon creations. Drinking is now an acceptable way to pass the day as long as you’re tweeting about it.

We all want instant gratification now and that’s at the sacrifice of actually taking two full years to make a great album or more than a day to create a great riff. The tradeoff is that we have 61 food options that take less than 10 minutes to get from synapse to taste buds. We have television that is on demand which is now dwindling in the light of streaming media. Kissing on the first date used to be taboo. Now dating on the first sex is the standard. Man this is good. Essentially, Razzball has to thank all of the crappy bands of the 2000s for much of our success! That and Grey and Rudy… Fantasy sports have become as popular as the real thing. Not to be outdone by (as your mother would call it) the daily fantasy. You can have a new one every day. DRAFTKINGS!!! You can hump tomorrow (it’s Wednesday) but today you’re gonna DraftKings!!! And if you’re gonna partake, don’t forget the DFS porn. We won’t make you work or pay for your info or your winnings. We got Steam-O-Nator, HitterTron and DFSBot to wet your whistle. Tools of the trade, ya’ll.

Hitters cheat all the time. Some take PEDs, some cover themselves in pine tar like a pre-industrial shaming party. Sometimes they’ll guess fastball or slider or change. Sometimes they’ll guess outer half or middle-in. Some just cheat on their wives. The one guy who has kept all his cheating on the field is the most respected player since the late Tony Gwynn. Derek Jeter married himself to the New York Yankees and they don’t care how many women he has as long as it’s only one at a time in the press. It’s a good thing for the Yankees PR department he isn’t a switch hitter. It does, however, make A-Rod sad and jealous.