Famous and Not-so-famous Quotations

Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Vocabulary Spin

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?10. Is there another word for synonym?11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?25. How is it possible to have a civil war?26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Monday, October 23, 2006

$100

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God , USA" they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Nobel Prize Winner for Economics

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still......She goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but dhe goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor existssolely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!