Thursday, September 29, 2011

Boyfriend: Eye squids.Me: No squids in my eyes.Boyfriend: No, no, they wouldn't live in your eyes, they just have eyes on their tentacles instead of suction cups.Me: ... So they'd be voyeur squids?Boyfriend: They'd be the natural symbiote of the exhibitionist panda.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Me: I can't tell if it's localized cramps, or just general lower abdomen cramps.Boyfriend: Aaw, I'm sorry.Me: It's not your fault.Boyfriend: It COULD be.Me: ... Are YOU restricting blood flow to my lower intestines?Boyfriend: I COULD be.Me: .... So... you're... my uterus?Boyfriend: Maybe... I wear a lot of hats.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Me: Oh no, puddi bandits!Boyfriend: Of the Serengeti?Me: Yeah... they lay in wait for passing caravans, and then when they see a ripe target, full of puddi, they strike. With a blood-curdling cry, they charge on their heavily armored war-camels, and strike like lightening, robbing everyone of their puddi, before escaping in the blink of an eye, leaving only a dust trail in their wake.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Me: Well if he isn't coming over for a bit, then I might Gundam.Boyfriend: I don't know when he'll be over, but I'm gonna say... a dildo.Me: *stares*Boyfriend: And that's a metric dildo, not a standard dildo.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Boyfriend: I'm gonna turn the AC back on, because I don't know about you, but I'm an arm pit.Me: I just got out of the shower, so I'm smelling good... and vaguely of hamsters.Boyfriend: You don't just smell good, you smell HAMSTER good.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Me: *throws a washer like a Frisbee, which lands on the server perfectly* Awesome.Boyfriend: Alright, two squids.Me: *stares*Boyfriend: We're measuring points in squids now.Me: *stares*Boyfriend: Didn't you get the memo?Me: *shakes head*Boyfriend: Well, it was attached to a squid so...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Me: You know what I miss? Smoked cheese.Boyfriend: And webbed feet.Me: ... What?Boyfriend: It's the south, everyone had webbed feet.Boyfriend's brother: Except the frogs.Boyfriend: Yeah, they just have feet covered in thumbs... and eyeballs.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Me: Your FACE is the wrong shape.Boyfriend: Your MOM is the wrong shape... she's whore-shape.Me: Wouldn't that be the RIGHT shape, you know, for whores.Boyfriend: Nah, she's the wrong shape even for whores, they all run in fear from her... though they worship her as a god from a distance.Me: So she's like... the whore's Lolth?Boyfriend: Yes... would that be Whoreth?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Me: I dunno why I let my hair down, I have WAY too much stuff to do to take the time to brush and braid it.Boyfriend: Maybe you're trying to attract the attention of a ghost.Me: ... What?Boyfriend: I dunno... Maybe there's a killer after you.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Me: *failing an escort mission in DW: Gundam 3* GodDAMN it Uso! You spent your WHOLE life being told, "Don't jump in a field full of LASERS, lasers are BAD!" And what do you do? The second, the VERY SECOND you get the chance, you run STRAIGHT for the fucking lasers, to discover their delicious secrets!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Me: No, I know what we need to do to get Shitbox to groom himself... but we'll need two hundred and fiddy dollahs worth of puddin'.Boyfriend: ... And we'll throw it at a pet groomer until he grooms the cat for us?Me: Yes.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Boyfriend: What about UFO's covered in bacon? That way people would finally notice them.Me: ... What?Boyfriend: They'd just be UFO's, completely coated in bacon... UBO's... They'd be the most delicious objects from another world... Well, that and Arby's.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Boyfriend: *reading a website* Kitten in gravy.
Me: I don't think you should serve a kitten in gravy.... *thinks* WE COULD COAT SHITBOX IN GRAVY! THEN HE'LL ACTUALLY GROOM HIMSELF!!!
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Me: Or at least the OTHER cats would groom him, and that works too.
Boyfriend's brother: *dies*

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Me: *looking up words that will be removed from a dictionary* Flibbertigibbet!
Boyfriend: They're taking flibbertigibbet out of the dictionary?!
Me: No, no, it's just a random link on the page.
Boyfriend: Oh good, because if they were, we'd have words... and one of them would've been flibbertigibbet.