Dark Shadows FANATIC Reviews the Burton/Depp DS

Let’s get something straight from the get-go: I literally grew up in the shadow of Collinwood. The Rhode Island estate that served as the Collins mansion was just down the road from our somewhat less elaborate New England home. When the original Dark Shadows TV show was just hitting its early stride, I was the perfect age to be sucked into its supernatural vortex.

I’ll even go so far as to admit that I was the little weirdo who showed up for the first day of fifth grade wearing a full Barnabas Collins cape. AND a Barnabas ring that I bought from an ad in Tiger Beat (I would have also carried Barnabas’ wolfhead cane, had I landed the enviable apartment complex paper route that lined the pockets of the town’s resident teen sociopath with enough cash to keep the little shit in sweet tarts and Famous Monsters magazines until the start of his first lengthy prison sentence).

I was, and remain, as devoted to Dark Shadows as I am to most anything else in my life, then and now. I daresay that, if a fire were to break out around me at this very moment, I’d run for an armload of treasures off my ridiculously well-packed DS bookcase-slash-shrine (taking up approximately one third of my bedroom, matched only by the Twilight Zone collection in an adjacent museum-quality display) before grabbing the family photo albums.

So that’s where I’m coming from as a guy who just walked out of a midnight screening of the new Tim Burton/Johnny Depp version of Dark Shadows.

Heck, I’m told that the second most-viewed blog entry I’ve ever posted on the Reader website is my encyclopedically obsessive accounting and review of ALL the Dark Shadows-related projects to come down the pike since the demise of the original series in 1971, from the Gold Key comic books to the original cast audio reunions, DS novels (both the original series and the newer tomes scribed by DS cast members and even famed juvie author SE Hinton), the NBC TV revival starring Ben Cross, and Night Whispers, the audio reading that found 80-something Jonathan Frid playing Barnabas Collins one last time, not long before his tragically-timed death last month, etc etc (you can find my book-length DS essay at http://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs... ).

Let me say, then, that the TRAILERS for the Burton/Depp return-to-Collinwood “reboot” made me afraid. Very afraid. And not in the good way, as when I was ten and thought any of my older brother’s friends with dripping muttonchop sideburns was probably a frickin’ werewolf (there, we’ve gotten the obligatory “Quentin Collins” reference out of the way, a good thing since he’s basically MIA from the new movie).

Let me ALSO say that, unlike most of my fellow film critics (a mantle I only wear part-time), I’m neither a Burton-basher nor a Depp-despiser. I happen to think that Burton’s early collaboration with Vincent Price, the stop-motion short Vincent, is one of the ten BEST animated shorts. Of. All. Time. I’d watch Edward Scissorhands most any time, and I even – STILL – totally dig his take on Batman.

Trust me: When the Bat-flicks have been around as long as 007, Christian Bale will be looked upon as the Roger Moore of the franchise, and Keaton the Connery!

And Depp, well, let’s say he’s grown on me since 21 Jump Street. My own barometer of a great movie (at least four stars of five, by the Duncan Shepherd-ometer) is whether I’d give up my valuable time enough to watch it more than once. And I can list over a half dozen Depp movies that fall in that category, including/especially From Hell, Sleepy Hollow, and Cry Baby, which I only recently watched for the FIRST time.

Which brings us (finally!) to my POV on this, this…thing. Yeah, it’s Dark Shadows. Or at least it sports the creepy/soapy patina of a Dan Curtis production (gawd, remember his awesome ‘70s TV movie takes on Dracula and Dorian Gray? Not to mention the Night Stalker and Trilogy of Terror, co-created with Twilight Zone scribe Richard Matheson. But I digress….)

I found myself very pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the first fifteen minutes or so, as the story was being set up. I don’t particularly mind the mixing and matching of original DS elements, like rolling the Maggie Evans and Victoria Winters characters into one similarly ethereal woman (hell, the original show made little distinction between either, nor did Barnabas Collins, who lusted after them both with apparently identical fervor…might as well throw the latterday governess Daphne, played by young Kate Jackson, into the same character stew).

The scene of Miss Winters riding a train into Collinsport, coasting through the selfsame scenic multicolored forests and seafaring coastline where I grew up and set to the Moody Blues’ “Nights in White Satin,” even made me a bit emotional.

Emotional for me not only because my high school sweetheart Lisa Bardwell, who died not long ago from MS, loved the Moody Blues so much she named her only son after singer Justin Hayward, but because virtually every molecule of the movie screen at that (all-to-brief) moment made me yearn for and mourn my own long-lost seventies innocence and sense of limitless wonder. Being the first time I've heard the Moodies since my New England lover Lisa died, I was caught most unawares when my eyes suffered a brief (if cathartic) misting...

Nor did I mind the way-revisionary remix of Barnabas’ vampiric origin story. Don’t worry, no spoiler alert necessary: suffice to say, he still screwed a witch, and the witch screwed him and his entire family in return.

I can even accept Barnabas being infatuated with, and even quoting from, the book Love Story, just one of the many “Hey, look, it’s the SEVENTIES” nails hammered into the cinematic coffin every few minutes. Barney was always a hopeless romantic, rendering him eternally (as the old “Marilyn Ross” Dark Shadows novels’ go-to adjective used to sigh) “melancholy.”

I can NOT, however, reconcile myself to a Barnabas who, on first sight of a McDonalds sign, mere moments after his resurrection from a 197-year interment, assumes the giant ‘M’ stands for the devil Mephistopheles.

The character of Barnabas, as played by Depp, is so utterly humorless that such grimace-inducing guffaws are rendered even more out-of-step with the rest of the movie than the centuries-old vampire is with the unfamiliar era in which he finds himself. And the clueless mocking juxtapositions just keep coming: jokes about being stoned (by rocks) versus smoking a joint, or how the Collins have such big balls (parties, not ‘nads, a gag AC/DC already ran into the ground 30-plus years ago), or how a TV screen featuring the Carpenters performing must be possessed by a tiny songstress (and, be warned, that’s not even the only Carpenters gag in the movie).

However. Jettison the recurring gags (the worst of them featuring Barnabas trying to find a comfortable place to sleep, from inside wall cabinets to an empty refrigerator box emptied of Styrofoam peanuts). Also ignore (if you can, thanks to the temple-throbbing volume of contemporary indoor movie theaters) the frequent musical dips into the very worst of the ‘70s A.M. radio well. Ditch and ignore such foo-hah-hah, and what do you think remains?

A movie that isn’t really all that bad.

For instance, the unkillable four-headed beast that is Burton/Depp/Bonham/Elfman (as in Danny Elfman, former Oingo Boingo frontman) gets the music exactly RIGHT several times, most notably the entire time that Alice Cooper is hanging out at Collinwood. I’m serious! He’s performing at the aforementioned Big Ball, but not the easy-A Welcome to my Nightmare era Alice that Captain Obvious would have all too readily inflicted.

No, Alice is actually doing his From the Inside followup persona and sound, RE the album he did after spending time in a psyche ward. Which (tho the album came out around a half dozen years AFTER the movie’s 1972 setting), is far more apropos for the timeless tale still being woven from the cloth that Dan Curtis cut.

Also not at all bad: Collinwood. Maybe even BETTER than the TV show incarnation, which always looked comically tiny and claustrophobic on the inside, especially for a supposedly sprawling mansion. Certainly better than the Collinwood of the 1971 Night of Dark Shadows movie (which was actually a mansion in Tarrytown, New York). The new movie mansion’s transformation from cobweb-heavy secret passageway-riddled goth dump to shining party pad qualifies the old homestead as practically an uncredited character.

Ditto the way the mansion’s nearby Widow’s Hill draws the rocky waves beneath it into the movie so often, in so many ways, that the foreboding and deadly nexus of ocean and jagged stone also becomes an indelible presence in the film, bringing it into the storyline in an all-encompassing way the original TV show never really pulled off past its iconic opening credits sequence.

As for the actors portraying our old DS friends and fiends, I’d also find it hard to heap much fault. Yeah, it takes a bit of re-thought to accept demure old family matriarch Elizabeth as a meaner, leaner, bitchier and better dressed version of Al Pacino’s squeeze in Scarface (both played by Michelle Pfeiffer).

But lazy old Thurston Howell-wannabe Roger Collins maintains his TV counterpart’s indolence and yellow streak. The dude who played Rorschach in Watchmen (and who took on the thankless Freddy Krueger role in a misbegotten Nightmare on Elm Street remake) plays Barnabas’ lackey Willie Loomis. He's cool 'nuff. Dude's come a long way since bicycling thru Breaking Away (which you'd probably need to be at least my age to even have heard of, despite its well-deserved award-winning heyday).

The little girl superhero from Kick-Ass, Chloe Moretz (probably better known now for Hugo) well plays entitlement-rich (if penny poor) Carolyn Collins, and even frequent Burton/Depp co-conspirator Helena Bonham Carter as Dr. Julia Hoffman holds a similar enough line to her vintage counterpart to make me feel I know who at least some of these darkly tinted doppelangers are supposed to be.

(NO SPOILER HERE, ONLY A HINT: Both Carolyn and Julia even get a big “surprise!” game-changing plot twist worthy of the original show’s hoary cliffhangers, with Carolyn’s about-face being particularly out of left field, tho Julia’s was hinted at too much in an earlier scene, AND any devoted DS fan has long wondered why Julia’s 2012 plot-twist DIDN’T happen during the original series).

Even young master David Collins remains the handy and bland narrative device (never a narrator) that he always was.

The only fly in the casting ointment was whoever that skull-faced pretender was who played the witch Angelique. Sure, Lara Parker, and even Lysette Anthony, are hard acts to follow, but I never once believed that our latterday Angelique could ever have enthralled one as lionhearted as Barnabas Collins. In the past OR in 1972.

As for her witchiness, Angelique Version 3.0 is completely outclassed and outdone even by, say, Billie Burke and Mama Cass (what child of the ‘70s like me could resist a double-barrel pipeload of HR Pufnstuf reference here, after all?).

SOME of the scenes pitting Barnabas against the ‘70s era itself were worthy of keeping from the cutting room floor. For instance, the vanload of dimwit hippies who first encounter Victoria Winters, and then old Barney himself. There’s a Dark Shadows book called The Salem Branch by the actress who played the original Angelique, Lara Parker, which has a detestable scene where Barnabas camps out in the woods (on the Collinwood estate!) with a troupe of hippies, even dropping acid and sleeping with a hippie chick (who happens to remind him of Angelique/Josette).

I despise the whole notion of Barnabas and the hippies so much that seeing the grim and oh-so-welcome way that Burton and Barney handle the hippies (whose passed-around joint is turned down by the vampire) is a joy indeed!

I’ll also parcel out some praise for the new movie’s dialogue. Particularly Barnabas. Other than a couple of gag lines, he speaks the exact words that someone who’s been wading in Barnabas-quotes for 40-plus years would expect and even hope him to speak. And, damn it, against all expectation and odds, Johnny Depp (for the most part) reads them in a way that won me over, time and again. Even/especially the last ten minutes or so.

Don’t worry, no ending spoiler here either…tho I WILL say that, considering the open-ended way Dark Shadows went off the air on April 2, 1971 with several HUGE WTF question marks bedeviling us for the next forty effin years, the Depp/Burton ending finally provides a sort of closure (and even explanation) that I never got, not even from the original-cast reunion shows released on CD over the past few years by Big Finish Productions.

Sure, there’s probably at least a half hour of the new movie that I personally would have jettisoned entirely, to keep the feel and look more consistent with the terrific opening sequences. There are no real chuckles in seeing a vampire brush his fangs in a mirror which doesn’t reflect him, and bits like that are more torn from Mad Magazine and the old Spoof comic book (which did a KILLER Dark Shadows parody in an early issue) than from the Dan Curtis productions.

But the REST of the movie, the parts not aiming for the juvenile “humor in a jugular vein” (to again borrow from Mad), well, it was indeed like a visit with at least the offspring of our old Collinsport crew, if not with the original characters that fanatical devotees like me know and love so well.

(BTW, a few of those original characters, or rather the actors and actresses who portrayed them, do make a cameo in the new film, tho it’s maddeningly brief and superfluous. Really, Mr. Burton? For THAT, you dragged poor old night-whispering Jonathan Frid from the brink of near-death, across the ocean?!)

Unlike, say, the new Avengers film, I will indeed be watching the Burton/Depp Dark Shadows a second time. Maybe even a third, or possibly, well, who knows? It’ll never hold a place in my heart like the original, nor even most of the other all-media reboots that’ve come and gone over the years.

I mean, even some of the worst old Gold Key Dark Shadows comic books were better than the nauseating room-busting “love” scene between Depp’s Barnabas and the grinning skull pretending to be Angelique.

But these new folks ARE part of the Collins family, after all.

And, to this kid from the wilds of rural New England, the one who STILL has that Barnabas cape he wore to his first day as a fifth grader (hanging in my bedroom, no less, and not stored away), that is indeed worth something.

Here's a GREAT fan-made video with scenes from the entire original series set to a song by Muse, "Time is Running Out" --

"Field Of Screens" -- Cover story 7-6-06: Complete theater-by-theater history of San Diego drive-ins thru the years, including interviews with operators and attendees, dozens of rare and unpublished photos, vintage local theater ads, and more. http://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs...

"Before It Was The Gaslamp: Balboa’s Last Stand" -- Cover story 6-21-07: In the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, I worked at downtown San Diego's grindhouse all-night movie theaters. This detailed feature recalls those dayz, the death of the Balboa Theatre, etc., including interviews with operators, vintage local movie ads, and more. http://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs...

"Pussycat Theaters: When 'Cathouses Ruled California" -- for the first time, the inside story of the west coast Pussycat Theater chain of adult moviehouses, which peaked in the '70s but later died out. Company head Vince Miranda owned and lived part time at the Hotel San Diego, operating several other local theaters downtown and in Oceanside, Escondido, etc. Told by those who actually ran the theaters, with a complete theater-by-theater encyclopedia covering every Pussycat that ever screened in CA -- http://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs...

Famous Movie Poster Rejects You've Never Seen Part 1: Private collection of movie poster designs published exclusively on the Reader website for the first time ever: Batman, Witches of Eastwick, Supergirl

Part 3: Horror film Near Dark, horsey drama Phar Lap, the Robert DeNiro/Albert Brooks sleeper Midnight Run (still under its working title Running Scared when these two posters were mocked up), 3D cartoon Starchaser: The Legend of Orin, Airplane-style comedy Bad Medicine (with Steve Gutenberg and Julie Hagerty), and war story Hamburger Hill.

Part 5: Voyage of the Rock Aliens with Pia Zadora, the Annette Funicello/Frankie Avalon/Pee Wee Herman surf comedy Back to the Beach, psycho-ex thriller Fatal Attraction, alleged comedy Planes Trains & Automobiles, James Woods in Cop, the Tom Cruise hit All the Right Moves, drive-in horror hit Deadly Blessing, the re-release of Roger Corman's original Little Shop of Horrors, import sex comedy Perfect Timing, historical drama Hanoi Hilton, Stallone sequel Rocky V (under its original title Final Bell), and Nothing But Trouble, back when it was still known as Welcome to Valkenvania.

I've been obsessively following this new version of the Dark Shadows since I first heard about it several years ago. When I first saw Burton's Sleeply Hollow, I immediately thought of Dark Shadows and what he might do with that.
Thanks for the heads up on what a DS Fan actually thinks of the film! I think I'll enjoy the humor more than Jay does as I think the vampire brushing his teeth and the dother nits are hilarious. I'm so glad they set this in the 1970's! It connects this DS all the more to the vibe of the original. I'm going to find out this weekend! Can't wait to see this!

On the internet, there are Dark Shadows fans criticizing the movie based on the trailer. People that are part of the facebook group called Dark Shadows Should NEVER Have Been a Comedy! are boycotting the movie. This reminds of the fans of the 1970s Land of the Lost who were bothered by it being turned in to a comedy. I think both these groups want a movie that has the strengths of the originals but without the weaknesses.

In a conversation with Steve Crompton, he said both shows are bad shows that have good ideas. Steve said both shows have flaws with the special effects and the acting. People would forget their lines on Dark Shadows. It was not like a movie in which the director would do a bunch of takes to get the dialogue just right. Dark Shadows was a 5 day a week show. The show needed to be done quickly.

Over a year ago, I talked to a customer at Blockbuster Video who watched Dark Shadows when it was originally on. She still likes the show but she now views it in a campy way. She did not preceive it that way when it was originally broadcast. Her daughter likes the show. I have talked to people who negatively compare the 1970s Battlestar Galactica to the new version. Someone I talked to said he now perceives the original show as cheezy. He didn't notice the cheeziness as a kid. I have noticed that many young people do not have much interest in the 1960s Star Trek.

This is in contrast to the Star Wars movies from the 1970s and early 1980s. There is much less of a perception of them being dated. I first started watching Star Trek when I was 6 years old or younger. I was not alive when they were originally broadcast but I have been a huge fan since I was a child.

I have talked to a woman teacher who showed the "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield" episode of Star Trek to a class she teaches. She told me that the students understood the point of the episode but they were not enthusiastic about it. When it comes to people that are teenagers or in their early 20's, I have noticed more exposure and interest in the original The Twilight Zone (which pre-dates 1960s Star Trek).

"I’ll even go so far as to admit that I was the little weirdo who showed up for the first day of fifth grade wearing a full Barnabas Collins cape. AND a Barnabas ring that I bought from an ad in Tiger Beat..."

I just saw Dark Shadows and while I did enjoy it, I was very disappointed that the "cameo" featuring original cast members was so brief you could blink and miss it. There were many other scenes that could have been cut or shortened to allow the original cast members at least a minute or two of screen time.

The original cast "cameo" was so fleeting, I had to look up online who it was I glimpsed! Kathryn Leigh Scott, who played Maggie and Josette, just posted a positive review of the new movie on her website.

I watched the Tim Burton Dark Shadows when it came on one of the premium channels. It wasn't as much of a comedy as some Dark Shadows fans made it out to be. It especially got much more serious during the last half hour. Through much of the movie, Angelique is potrayed humorously but her capacity for evil comes across very strongly during the final showdown. The actress playing Angelique is entertaining but overly thin in appearance. The TV series actress had an appearance much more like an average person rather then someone suffering from a eating disorder.

The Johnny Depp version of Barnabas Collins seems like a combination of the later sympathetic Barnabas Collins and the villian that Barnabas Collins started out as in the TV series. Barnabas Collins does kill some innocent people in the movie. The other supernatural aspects from the TV series, such as the ghost and werewolf, don't show up until the end of the movie. These other elements show why the characters were open to the possibility of vampires existing. It surprises me that there was no build up to the ghost and werewolf. When I first saw Alice Cooper, my first reaction was that he had not aged much. Then I realized that his make-up can conceal how much he has aged.

Tim Burton has said that he showed Helena Bonham Carter the Dark Shadows TV series. According to Burton, she criticized the acting in the TV series. She is the one to talk about bad acting! In this movie, I think she did the worst acting that I have ever seen her do. She was OK but not impressive. I liked the early '70s retro feel to the movie. When it comes to too much comedy, there were Land of the Lost fans that had a similar reaction as Dark Shadows fans.

I think the difference is that the Land of the Lost movie is a comedy with some drama whereas Dark Shadows is a drama with a significant comedy element. Burton likes to blend comedy with his drama. Even Tim Burton's Batman, which was much more serious then the Adam West Batman, has a lot of humor in it. I like both the Tim Burton Dark Shadows and the Land of the Lost movie even though they have quite a different tone then their source material.