‘I’m not a natural-born politician,’ says woman who’s been plotting rise to power since infancy

A woman whose entire life seems to have been conducted with the express goal of acquiring influence and power has admitted that she is actually not a natural-born politician.

“I’m terribly clumsy, and quite often I’ll slip and tell the truth, or answer a yes-or-no question with a clear yes or no,” former housewife Hillary Clinton said in a debate on Wednesday night. “That sort of sloppy candor is a textbook political mistake.”

“Also, I’m not good at kissing babies, mostly because I’m frustrated by their stupidity and I’m disgusted by the way they drool on everything” she said. “Just yesterday, a toddler at a campaign rally hugged my leg and got snot all over my pants, and for the life of me I couldn’t hide my revulsion.”

“Another thing is that, as a politician, you’re supposed to be good at making people like you,” she added. “I absolutely suck at this. The last person who truly seemed to like me was an elderly neighbor, but I think that was because she was suffering from dementia and mistook me for a charity worker who used to bring her bags of oranges and nuts.”

Clinton said that despite her shortcomings, she’s working very hard at becoming a more instinctive politician, even going to so far as to take evening politician courses at a local community college where she is learning how to equivocate, feign pleasure at talking to strangers, and in general not act like a computer program that compiles statistics. Also, she is reportedly shadowing her husband Bill and learning to mimic his interactions with people whose favors or support he desires.