Somebody Save Us From That Arena Name

JOHN GROGAN Commentary

October 18, 1998|JOHN GROGAN Commentary

All right, gang, here's your chance to win something. We're having a contest.

It's the ``Name That Hockey Arena Contest.'' And no matter how lame you think your idea is, you can rest easy knowing it can't be any worse than that indisputable clunker of the century, ``National Car Rental Center.''

We're not fooling around here. The two top entries receive free seats to a Panthers game.

But forget the payoff; consider this your public duty to South Florida.

Someone has to save us from being saddled with the hands-down, all-time dumbest stadium name in the history of mankind.

Did the Romans name their proud arena Nero's Used Chariots and Oil Lamps? No, they named it The Coliseum.

Did the Druids name their landmark gathering place the Acme Stone Wheel Repair Center? No, they named it Stonehenge.

Your friend and mine, H. Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Panthers and just about everything else you can think of, spent a lot of money to buy the naming rights to the new arena in Sunrise. It's part of his larger plan to control the solar system by 2006.

A tad too much sun?

So I guess he can call the place anything he wants, even ``Wayne's Weally Wacky World.'' But National Car Rental Center? Someone has been standing in the sun too long.

As I've said before, I can't get past the image of an asphalt lot out by the airport filled with Chevy Luminas.

Besides, it rolls off the tongue about as easily as a mouthful of beach sand. And you can't even shorten it to NCR Center without giving free publicity to that other company.

Basically, there are just certain words that should never appear in large type: Hemorrhoids is one. Car Rental are two others.

The Waynemeister's heart is in the right place, I'm convinced. He's just not the most creative wordsmith in the world.

Now it's up to us, the little people who pay $3.50 for a bag of peanuts and don't even complain, to help him out. Can we come up with something with a little dignity, a little grace, a little pizazz _ and still make Mr. Huizenga happy?

I'm willing to bet four tickets (honest, no nosebleed seats) that we can. And I'm willing to bet that if we can provide the inspiration, Mr. Huizenga just might reconsider his deadly dull name.

I can't believe he likes it any better than the rest of us do. Personally, I'm rather fond of The Chrome Dome.

Think about it. It rhymes. It's catchy. And it pays homage to the name owner's most prominent physical characteristic.

Of course, there's always The Trash Bowl in honor of the fortune Wayne made hauling garbage.

You get the idea.

The Official Rules

Here is what you need to know:

* The Prizes: Each of the top two entries receives a pair of tickets to a still-to-be-determined Panthers home game. Third and fourth places will receive a shamelessly self-promotional assortment from the Sun-Sentinel gift shop. (So, OK, I'm on a budget.)

* You can enter as often as you like and include unlimited arena names. Sun-Sentinel employees and their families are ineligible.

* Names can be either serious or humorous and will receive equal consideration.

* Judging will be by an esteemed panel consisting of one half-baked columnist and his daffy Labrador retriever (who has a nose for these kinds of things).

* Send entries by letter, postcard or e-mail to my attention at the address at the bottom of this column.

* Be sure to include your name, address and phone number.

* Entries are due Monday, Oct. 26.

Now get those thinking caps on, people. We've got to save South Florida from rent-a-ride shame.