This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i rant about bumper stickers

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I was just driving home from dropping my cousin off at Duke and the last thing she asked me was “have you even written a post this week?” Of course, it’s Wednesday and the answer is “NO! I haven’t written a thing in days.”

Of course, mostly this is because I can’t write when people are around and talking to me all the time but also, it usually takes something to inspire me. At any rate, on the way home I was on I-40 driving and while I normally enjoy that drive, two things were annoying me and I wanted to discuss one of them with you.

Well, not actually discuss it with you as I’m typing here and you’re reading it (or not reading it as it were) and that’s not actually considered a discussion but you get my drift, don’t ya? So, I was driving along and I was spacing out and looking at the other cars and I realized that other than left lane drivers (which I’m not going to get into today), my other pet peeve was stupid, insidious bumper stickers.

Now I realize that most people can’t afford to buy the car that best reflects our personality so the only device left for personalizing a car is either “pimping” the car out (which I offered to do for Kevin’s BMW but he refused for some reason which is really too bad because I was thinking flames and leather and … ) or adding some bumper stickers.

Now as you know, or you would if you had read THIS post, I have a bumper sticker on my car that I feel reflects my personality. I don’t have a problem with awesome bumper stickers. It’s the stupid ones that annoy me so I’m going to explain about my top four “I FUCKING HATE THESE” Bumper stickers.

1. My kid is an honor roll student and xyz school.

Ok, seriously? I DON’T FUCKING CARE. Can I be any clearer than that? How insecure are you and your kid that you have to publicize the one mediocre thing your kid did on your car? Do you have any idea of just HOW many kids make the honor roll? A TON! I mean, a whole lot of kids. So big deal. Can’t you just give them a kiss and tell them you’re proud of them? I hate these bumper stickers.

2. My kid is a terrific child.

OH MY GOD!! This is even worse. Can your child not even make The Honor Roll? Of course you think your kid is terrific. I mean, if you don’t your kid is terrific than who the hell does? But once again, I don’t care and moreover, it’s annoying that you’re pandering to the other parents in the world by informing us of that. These look like the type of parents who will eventually tell their kids that they’re the “best” and everything is everybody else’s fault and therefore don’t take any damn responsibility for ones self. Seriously, get that damn sticker off your car. Even if your kid was terrific why broadcast it out to the world?

3. Those stupid family outline stickers.

OH GOD! When I drive up and see a car with the “mom” and the “dad” and the “boy” and the “girl” and the “cat” and the “dog” all I can think of is WHY???? Why is that shit on your window? Nobody but you cares how many kids and pets you have. It’s not like they’re cute or even original. What the hell is up with this “I got an outline of my family shit?” No really. What is up with that?

4. Your monogram.

Yep, lately everyone has their initials in monogram form on their back window. Is that because all cars look the same and if you walk up to a jeep you can say, “oh that’s not mine, those aren’t my initials?” If that’s the reason then I actually get it because I have stood in front of a White Lexus LX470 before pressing my key button and cursing the fact that the car wouldn’t unlock only to discover that “hey, this isn’t my car!”

However, wouldn’t it be better to simply put an awesome bumper sticker on the car so it would be personalized? I mean, I suppose to some extent your monogram is personalized but the concept sure as hell isn’t.

So why, WHY, can’t people at least put interesting bumper stickers on their car? I mean, some people don’t like mine but at least it’s interesting right? I also like the one that says, “Do I look like a people person to you?” That one’s cool.

Or at least a conversation starter like “my daughter’s a crackwhore.” I mean you NEVER see a bumper sticker like that. I realize that there are a lot of “clever” bumper stickers out there like “my child beat up your honor roll student.” These are just plain dumb too. Show a little personality people and if you don’t have one, then just don’t show anything.

Maybe it’s just me and the fact that I don’t trust people, but it seems to be that having such stickers on your car blasts WAAAAaaay too personal information out there for the world’s criminals to see.

Sticker #1. Thanks, now I know what school your kid goes to. Pedyphiles the world over love these stickers, I’m sure.

Sticker #2. See my response to sticker #1.

Sticker #3. Thank you. Now the robber behind you who’s been following you thepast few days has confirmed you don’t have a giant dog to rip his face off when he comes in to either a. rob your house b. do godknowswhat to the children who he now knows how many you have and roughly how old they are & their gender, and c. do godknowswhat to you. Again, see my response to Sticker #1.

Sticker #4. Your friendly neighborhood identity thief or robber or killer or stalker now has confirmed that is DEFINITELY your car at certain places during certain times.

It seems like this is just sooooo irresponsible, it’s insane! I have family & friends who are cops and/or career military and when I first got my car (and again, when I had kids) told me what I was thinking, don’t get those stickers. It gives too much information to the wrong people. They always tell me “Think like a criminal with everything you want to do to be sure you don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position for the criminals”.

Now my pet peev? People not putting CURTAINS in their WINDOWS! Same idea as the stickers. Now the friendly neighborhood robber/rapist/murderer/stalker/basic all around criminal knows who you are, what you do, when, what you have, and how to get in and out. All he needs.

I must confess. That’s WAY deeper than i ever thought it through. I do think putting personal stuff up is stupid though. Either make your bumper stickers funny or don’t have them. I actually do have a bumper sticker and everyone around town (which is large BTW) knows the car but nobody ever bothers me.

I like that better than those fake half baseballs with the fake cracked window around it. Can’t believe somebody broke them. I’ve just always had my bitch bumpersticker (15 years now) and a peace frog.

gramps

July 21, 2011

Here in Northern California there is only one b-sticker that resonates

“THE DODGERS SUCK”

Actually, one “In Memorium” sticker meant a lot and it was on a car that I didn’t know. It was for my deceased Son

I completely agree. I don’t give a rats ass if your kid is in Honor Roll, nor how many kids, animals you have. The memorial thing, while nice -I would NEVER do as it’s my own personal pain and I choose not to share it.

Haven’t seen that one. Occasionally I see a sticker I like. Not too often though

Julia Vaughn

July 30, 2011

I saw one in Chapel Hill about ten years ago which turned out to be too true. “Plants and animals are dying to make room for your fat ass.” But times changed and now people only care about their wedding dresses. Quit having kids everybody even though there are tons of them on every t.v. commercial to indoctrinate us. The planet is frigging full.