Boo-ware: When you have a kid, Halloween lasts the entire month of October. I’m not just talking about the time I spend thinking about costumes (see Halloween post from last year). I’m talking about every Halloween-related event in the weeks leading up to the by-then-anti-climactic day. (Spooktaculars, Halloween Hullabaloos, Parades on the Boolevard…).

And, of course, all these events require some kind of costume…Which brings me back the annual Halloween costume excitement-slash-anxiety. I have a vision of Samson wearing an ingenious costume that is totally original, yet recognizable. He will win costume contests. He will ring doorbells on Halloween, and homeowners will open the door and be astonished. They will think, “wow, this kid’s mom is totally creative and cool! they deserve lots of candy!”

So yes, I’m using Halloween as an opportunity to express myself through my child. That in itself is a recipe for disaster. But it seemed harmless in the early stages…

My first idea was to comb his hair over and put him in silk pj’s. Voila– Hugh Hefner.

But where to find silk pajamas in size 2T? I could make them! But I don’t have a sewing machine. And will this costume be one of those that you have to explain?What if Rob and I were Playboy Bunnies?

The thought of that led me to quickly move on.Another idea: Simon and Garfunkel? Samson could be Paul, and Rob would be Art. A little blazer and cap…

But of course, we cut Samson’s hair too short to pass for half of a late-sixties folk rock duo . He had needed a haircut, but why do I keep doing that right before Halloween?With his new haircut, Samson looked very clean-cut. Rob came up with a fun one: Don Draper! Perfect.

Except there’s the whole limited sizes thing again. Where do you find a 60’s suit that fits a two-year-old? And besides, it’s another one you have to explain. Even with a folded handkerchief in the pocket, no one would get it. Toddlers aren’t known to hold onto props without throwing or eating them, so a sketch pad and glass of scotch wouldn’t work.And here’s the other issue: Samson’s old enough that he wants to have a say in what he puts on. It’s cute that he wants to assert himself and have his own identity and all, but it was so much easier when I could just play dress-up with him and he’d smile.Here’s an oblivious one-year-old Samson on Halloween last year. He had no idea he was in a Newsies costume.

So, I resigned myself to letting him be something he’s into. (Samson hasn’t caught onto Mad Men yet. He was too young when the last season ended. If only they had started the new season when they were supposed to… Don’t get me started.)I hated the idea of going the typical kid costume route, not to mention gender-stereotyping. But the thought of him being without a costume was too sad for me. Kids are supposed to be excited about what they’re going to “be for Halloween.” And nice try getting any candy without a costume. You’re lucky if you even get pennies for Unicef.So I hit the local vintage shop, and found a bunch of possibilities. I bought a couple options, because A) they were cheap and B) there are so many Halloween events, he can use more than one.I bought a cape I figured any kid would think was cool. It was shiny and blue and had a mask attached. I believe it’s a batman cape. And I found some pieces of a cowboy outfit — a vest and pants with fringes. Sweet — Samson loves cowboys. I also ordered a cowboy hat and bandana online to complete the outfit.He was more than prepared for Halloween.When I took The batman cape out of the bag, Rob said it smelled like dirty feet or B.O. He suggested I dry-clean it but I can’t justify paying more for dry-cleaning than the cost of the item. It turned out the smell was the roasting cumin seeds on the stove. (Try it out — they really do smell like body odor!) But Samson wouldn’t wear the cape anyway. He just stared at it. I put it around him and he cried.Trying to get a toddler to understand why he’s going to wear a costume is a challenge. He doesn’t get that if he dresses up, he will get candy. (On Halloween, we’ve all silently agreed to dismiss the whole no-food-as-reward policy.) And I’m sure he could sense my anxiety about him wearing a costume. I’m a slow learner in parenting school, but I’m coming to understand that the more I want him to do something, the more he will protest. Duh.Since the cape didn’t work, I saved the cowboy duds till the hat arrived. When I revealed it, he cried. He wanted Daddy to put it on. It doesn’t fit Daddy. It fit my pinhead but that wasn’t good enough. Only Daddy.You’d think I would give up there. No, my son was going to wear some sort of costume. It’s Halloween, and it’s supposed to be fun, goddammit…So, I ordered a firefighter costume. He loves all things fire-fighting.I was able to justify buying yet another costume because the fire-fighter ensemble is not called a costume, it’s called a “role play set.” That is genius marketing. This way, you’re not wasting 25 bucks on a Halloween costume that the kid will only wear once (especially after you’ve already bought two others). you’re buying them a chance to role play, use their imaginations, explore.So samson has a makeshift, second-hand cowboy outfit, a dirty bat man cape, and a firefighter “role-play” set. A cowboy, a superhero, and a fire fighter?! I thought i’d never be this mom. this is the equivalent of buying a girl Barbies. What happened to originality? Creativity? Gender-neutrality?Guess what. He cried when I tried to get him in the fire-fighter outfit. Big shocker. Halloween is the New Years of kid holidays. If your expectations are too high, it will end in tears. If you try to impose any expectations on your kid, it will most certainly end in tears.By now we’ve gone to a couple events at which he’s put on the fire hat and seemed okay, and eventually thrown it off. The fun he experienced really had nothing to do with what he was wearing. In terms of other kids’ costumes, there’s a lot of sweating through fleece Elmo and Pumpkin suits. Eventually, the parents relent and take them off.Now it’s Halloween and I’m — believe it or not — letting go of my attachment to Samson wearing a costume. This is parenting 101, right? Stepping back and letting kids be who they are?And if Samson gets no candy, it’s probably for the best. (I’d be the one eating most of it anyway.)What are YOU gonna be for Halloween? Feel free to share your spookiest parenting moments…

Some Comments:

"This is the best Halloween story.What happened to cutting two holes in a sheet? Mom did that until we got high-maintenance.I really feel for the kids sweating through fleece. If you want a kid to be something fleece-y, you should just tape a few token cotton balls to their shirt. Full fleece is cruel.I’m with you on the gender stereotyping. It doesn’t encourage free thinking. Next year, I think Samson should be a slutty nurse.laura recently posted...Birdpoop, ghosts, and obesity: a Halloween list of my top fears."laura17:58 on October 31st, 2011

"Thanks! Did mom really put holey sheets on us? I can’t imagine how a kid would keep that on for more than two seconds. I wonder if she let us have a hole for our mouths, so that we could eat candy.You’re right — fleece is cruel, especially in L.A. Except when the sun sets. Then it’s downright cozy.Slutty nurse! Good one. I’m going to search for size 3T fishnets…"marian belgray21:37 on October 31st, 2011

"BTW, you look really good with long, slutty hair."laura18:21 on October 31st, 2011

"Scare-larious, Marian! Great post. Thanks.(I was Garth from Wayne’s World. Not really recommended for Samson, unless you can teach him the “schwang!” move.)"Russell Harvey21:48 on October 31st, 2011

"Thanks for reading, Russell!Garth’s a classic. Yes, “shwing” is hard to pull off with a toddler weenie. But it would be cute to make him say it."marian belgray22:34 on October 31st, 2011

"Oh, you’ve brought back so many Halloween memories. Yes, there was the ghost attempt. Simple! And once you used magic markers all over it, you didn’t want to take it off. I don’t remember ever buying pre-made costumes, although I probably did, but I was too insistent that costumes had to be original and homemade. And I tried to convince myself and both of you that your creativity was involved more than mine. I do remember spending hours and hours making costumes (Marian- do you want my sewing machine? It’s all yours– then you can spend countless hours doing something insignificant, too, but you can also make curtains). There was a chocolate chip cookie costume, a dragon costume (we kept the tail for years), and a Grover’s garbage can for Laura. That last one provoked a comment from Dad about Laura’s self image, i.e. Why would you want to think of yourself as a garbage can? There was a totally unsuccessful attempt at an elephant costume; the trunk kept falling off, and that produced voluminous, inconsolable tears until I whipped up something else, but I don’t remember what. I hope I finally got the message that Marian articulated and realized you needed to do your own thing, but I was pretty slow at that game. I think Marian got it down much more quickly. We did have fun, though!"Mom B13:49 on November 1st, 2011

"The garbage can incident was actually me — I wanted to be Oscar the Grouch. (See last year’s Halloween blog — Costume Perfectionista). But yes, Dad said it showed low self-esteem, so we never got to make it. Not sure what we ended up doing with that corrugated cardboard.Thanks for the sewing machine offer. I’d love it, but I think shipping probably isn’t worth it. I would never call your hard work “insignificant.” Those costumes were memorable (obviously)."marian belgray19:35 on November 1st, 2011

"Great post! Samson came around eventually, it seems. He was very proud of his cowboy outfit last night. He even told Kevin this morning at daycare that he was a cowboy for Halloween. I didn’t realize it was vintage. Even cooler. Where did you get it?Nichola recently posted… Halloween!"Nichola20:29 on November 1st, 2011"Thanks for reading the whole thing, and commenting! (I know mom time is tight.) Yes, it did work out in the end. I guess Samson’s not one for dress rehearsals– he just goes full throttle for the main production. Also, I let Rob be the one to dress him so that might have helped.So cute that he told Kevin he was a cowboy. Was Kevin like, “uh, yeah…I was there, dude”?I’ll let you know in secret about the vintage store:)"marian belgray21:19 on November 1st, 2011

It’s that time of year. The time I start stressing about my Halloween costume. Well, truth be told, I start stressing in September, but this is when I choose to write about it.This year is different, though. I’m not even thinking about my costume. Not because I’ve gotten all zen about it (I wish). It’s because I’m busy stressing about my son’s costume. It’s his first Halloween and I want it to be special. Of course he won’t remember a thing. But I’ve set a high standard for Halloween costumes over the years and now I get to project that pressure onto him. Lucky boy.I have often admired the folks who could just wait till the last minute, throw on a pointy hat and call it a witch. They’re the same people who don’t know what movie they’re going to see until they get to the theater and check out what’s playing. (Do those people really even exist anymore?).Not me. I’m a costume perfectionista. (Omigod! That’s the titular line for this blog!) I like my costumes to rank high in at least one of three main categories: originality, cleverness, and relevance. Actually, cancel relevance. It usually precludes originality, but I do like to guess what’s going to be hot each year. It’s a little sad when people try to reference a scandal that broke last January. It’s like the Academy Awards. You’re not a true costume contender unless your scandal happened in the months leading up to the event. Sorry, Tiger, but I don’t think a broken golf club’s going to be as hot this year as a meat dress.

I think I’m a costume snob because of my anti-establishment mom. When we were little, she refused to follow the herd to the costume shop and instead made outfits for me and my sister on her sewing machine(! ) We went as things like Wrigley’s gum and packs of M&M’s. I guess she could justify making us into corporate advertisements as long as the costumes were hand made?

And my dad played his part in my costume drama. The earliest Halloween I can remember was when I wanted to be Oscar The Grouch, but my dad — a psychoanalyst — said the garbage can look was a reflection of “low self-esteem.” So I had to ditch the corrugated cardboard that, with mom’s help, would have become the can. I think I ultimately went as Burt or Ernie instead. Come on, dad. Oscar was much more confident than those bozos. Just because he lived in a trash can didn’t mean he didn’t love himself. He chose to live in that trash can. He was bucking the system. That takes real chutzpah.

In college, I’m sad to say I did the “sexy” Halloween thing, but I still did my best to make it original. I wasn’t a sexy kitten. I was a sexy “essence of cotton candy,” with white go-go boots and tights and a pink wig and puffy pink top. (Trust me, it was hot). And there was a phase where I might have gotten lazy (coinciding with my pot-smoking days). That’s when I’d be like, “oh, I’ll just throw on a wig and see what happens.” Those costumes usually turned out to be disco-themed.

Lately, I’ve gone for the funny (I realize that’s subjective). In the past few years, I’ve been 80s Sitcom Mom; One half of the Wayans Brothers (in White Chicks); and — perhaps my favorite — Eckart Tolle, with Rob as Oprah. That last one really signified an end of the sexy halloween phase, if I didn’t already know it was over.

I must give it up to my friend, Sarah Baden. She is the queen of funny drag Halloween costumes. I’d go into detail, but Sarah really deserves her own blog post. I’ll just say she set the bar high for all of us (What up, Al Goldstein!).So now, my first year being a mom on Halloween, I’m not thinking about my own costume. I’m thinking about my son’s. He was going to be Justin Bieber until we cut his hair. I lament that haircut. How do I dress an 11-month-old who will probably rip off a wig or yank at a prop? I refuse to go into one of those myriad pop-up stores that all claim to be the “Halloween Headquarters.” (Are you happy, mom?)Luckily, I still have a week or so to stress about it…What’s your fave Halloween dress-up memory. Do tell.

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Author

Marian Belgray's an L.A.-based standup comic and writer/producer who's contributed to HBO, Cinemax, Nickmom, Comedy Central, Pampers, Funny or Die, and ​Parents.com, with articles and comedy videos.Marian’s performed at clubs around Los Angeles, including The Comedy Store, The Improv, IOWest, UCB, The Virgil, and Akbar. She's the creator and host of CUFirstTuesday, a comedy show the first Tuesday of every month in Silverlake, and a certified writer for Comedywire. She posts about her thoughts and biznatch here and on social media. She hopes you appreciate it.You can follow her here: