That story about the heroic French race walker getting the runs (literally) and collapsing before finishing the race has been e-mailed to me 100% more times than this riveting story has, but I already did one Olympic post about a shitty mess caused by an asshole, so I’m going to talk about this couple possibly getting their oceanfront fuck-on instead.

Dan Walker of BBC Sport was reporting live on Copacabana Beach in Rio for the Olympics when viewers tweeted about a dude possibly doing the freestyle front stroke on a lady friend in front of everyone on the sand. If they were really screwing, it’s just screwing! Big deal! But Dan Walker got all embarrassed when viewers pointed it out and he joked that they were hugging or just reading a book…in the dark… and in a weird position. If that’s how you read a book in Brazil, then I need to get on a plane and find a Barnes & Noble in Rio. The clip is below and I’ve watched it a hundred times and I’m still not sure what’s going on. But I do know that this is not what I have in mind when you combine “BBC” and fucking.

All together now: “Matt Lauer, take that fuckery to your hotel room!”

Okay, I know it’s been a while, but isn’t there supposed to be some thrusting action? What’s even weirder is that Dan Walker is supposedly a sports presenter, so where is his play-by-play? Where are the slow-motion clips? Where are the after-performance interviews? Where are the scores? By the way, I give them a perfect 10 (0 for form, but 10 for shamelessness).

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