The Ties That Bind

Your bike: It’s fast, it’s light, it’s portable, it’s easy to maintain, it doesn’t require licensing or registration, and all you need to do to get it started is hop on and pedal.

Unfortunately, that’s also what makes it so easy to steal. Light and portable makes for a fast getaway, simplicity makes for quick stripping, and if you actually have your bike’s serial number and bill of sale handy I’ll buy you the beer of your choice—though it doesn’t really matter because the thief will file the serial number off anyway. I’m not a bike thief, but I am a New Yorker, which means that on a daily basis I walk past parked bikes that have been pilfered of their components. Here’s what I’ve learned over the years about locking up.

You Need More Than One BikeBike theft is, more than anything, a psychological battle. Therefore, as in all aspects of life, your most powerful weapon is simply not giving a crap.

If you have a bike that’s going to spend any time locked up outside, you have to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how careful you are, it’s liable to get stolen. Therefore, you need at least one bike whose disappearance is not going to leave you screaming to the heavens like Mel Gibson in Ransom. Instead, it should leave you screaming like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. (“They can take our bikes, but they will never take our freedom!”) When you’re done hollering, just shrug and hop onto the bus.

You Need More Than One Lock
Here’s something nobody in the world has ever said: “My bike got stolen because I used too many locks!” The only person ever foiled by overlocking was Pee-wee Herman, but that’s because he used what appeared to be 70 feet of plastic decorative chain designed for hanging houseplants. Also, he was dealing with Francis Buxton, a master criminal whose financial resources were as bottomless as his desire for Pee-wee’s cruiser.

As for you, go to the bike shop and ask for a decent lock. Then buy it. Next, ask for the strongest, heaviest, most theft-proofest lock they sell. Then buy that too. The decent lock is your secondary lock, and the battleship anchor they wheel out on a hand truck is your main lock. Use them both, all the time. Don’t hesitate to continue purchasing locks if you’re so inclined.

By the way, when I say bike shop, I mean the kind run and staffed by people who wear cycling caps even when they’re not riding. The best bike lock your local big box store sells is about as theft-proof as a friendship bracelet, and all a thief needs to cut it is a nail clipper from the pharmacy section ten aisles over.

Know How to Use the Lock(s)
I have had a bike stolen because I used a crappy lock. I’ve also had a bike stolen because I used an awesome lock, but I locked it to something that wasn’t attached to anything, thus costing me both an awesome lock and an awesome bike. So before you lock your bike to an object, study it. Scratch your head pensively. Contemplate the object. Kick it, screech at it, and jump up and down like the monkeys staring at the monolith in 2001. Does it wobble? Break? Fall down? Run away? If so, move on.

Don't Forget Your Components
Obviously when locking your bike you should pass the lock through the frame, but the most expensive and easily removed parts on your bicycle are your wheels. Nothing called a “quick-release” has any place on a bicycle that will be left unattended, so consider replacing them with some kind of locking skewer system. Or, if you’re cheap like me, here are three budget solutions:

• Assuming you don’t mind looking like Andy from The 40-Year Old Virgin, lock your back wheel with your frame and take your front wheel with you—unless you’re the type who’s liable to leave it at the ATM.

• Secure your quick-release levers to your frame and fork using hose clamps. This is an old trick, and I’ve tried it, though I can’t vouch for its effectiveness. Nobody stole the wheels off my bike, but eventually the entire bike got stolen, so the test was inconclusive. Either way, if you try it, don’t forget to carry a screwdriver or your next flat is bound to be highly ironic.

Lastly, I shouldn’t even have to tell you not to leave your fancy blinky lights, saddle bag, or frame pump on your bike, but I’m going to anyway: Don’t leave your fancy blinky lights, saddle bag, or frame pump on your bike.

No Errand Is Too Quick to Lock Your Bike
By far the biggest potential pitfall for the bicycle owner is laziness. “It’s going to take me four seconds to run in and buy that six-pack, but it’s going to take me two minutes to lock my bike, especially with more than one lock. Ah, whatever, I’ll just run in.”

And next you’ll be walking to the bus stop. All it takes is a single moment of inattention to render you bikeless. And don’t fall victim to any of those mythical quick theft prevention tricks, like leaving your bike in the big-ring/small-cog combo or closing your brake calipers on the rim in the hopes that these will slow the thief down. They won’t—especially if they just throw the thing into a van.

So always take the time to lock up, because they won’t let you drink that six-pack on the bus.

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