weird

As society plummets ever deeper into the pit of despair, from which there is no chance of returning, a beacon of light shines in the distance.

There, at the bottom of the pit, lay the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar.

For the those unfamiliar, as undoubtedly many of you are, the Carponizer Carp Calendar is an erotic calendar that features models wearing nothing but a carp. Think of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue if all the women were holding a giant carp. Sexy.

The Toronto Sunreports, "The weird calendar was the brainchild of Hendrik Pohler and it’s getting a five-star rating on Amazon."

They're not lying. But the Amazon description is the real money. According to Amazon, the calendar is “one of the most extraordinary ideas of how this magnificent fish can be presented in an appealing setting,” managing to “courageously” make each month a little better. It boasts 12 “magnificent” caprs to create 12 “formidable and unmissable images.”

“Whether for yourself or as a tasteful gift: the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar will not only make men's hearts beat faster.” (The sentence just ends like that so we’ll never know what else this calendar does in addition to making men’s hearts beat faster). “

Looks like that box of fish sticks in the back of your freezer is going to stay there.

Space World, a Japanese theme park, shutdown their ice skating rink attraction on Sunday, because as it turns out, most people don’t consider skating around dead fish to be a winter wonderland. The theme park froze 5,000 sea creatures into the floor of their skating rink, thinking that attendees would enjoy the challenge of navigating an ocean graveyard. Space World called it “Freezing Port.” We call it “A Nightmare.”

Freezing Port received a slew of complaints from visitors and animal rights organizations. One Facebook user said, “You have no soul.” While another simply, and more practically, said, “This is the worst attraction educationally.” Apparently, only a select few found Space World's Facebook advertisements with captions that read “I am d... d... drowning, s ... s... suffocating” funny and not horrifying.

CNN added the park will “unfreeze the skate rink to remove the fish, hold an ‘appropriate religious service,’ and then reuse them as fertilizer.” Cool.

So there you have it. Theme park buys locally-sourced seafood, freezes it into their skating rink, and holds memorial service for the fish after learned that people don’t like ice skating on dead fish. Welcome to Monday morning on Planet Earth.

They say a lot of people in this country live in an echo chamber, but one Georgia man lives in a “Bubble.”

Not an actual bubble, though. He’s not Jake Gyllenhaal in Bubble Boy. He just refuses to find out who won the presidential election.

In Brunswick, Ga, The Huffington Post reports, Joe Chandler fell asleep on election night without finding out the results, and he intends to keep it that way.

“Having subtracted myself from this political fracas and all of the mayhem of the digital media, I kind of found the center of the cyclone, it is very peaceful in my bubble of ignorance,” Chandler said.

When he goes outside, he pops on a pair of headphones and a sign that reads, “I don’t know who won, and don’t want to. PLEASE DON’T TELL ME.”

Ignorance is bliss, but Chandler doesn’t think he’s going to make it 2020, like he hopes.

“I’ll be lucky to make it [tomorrow].”

That must be nice, to be able to separate yourself from society so much that not only do you not know who the president is, but also people aren’t shouting it at you on the street. Anyway, for the rest of you, and especially Joe Chandler: Donald Trump is our next president. Welcome to reality.

In one of the strangest moments of the strangest year ever, Kanye West decided to tell a crowd of people that he didn’t vote, but if he had, it would’ve been for Trump. Kanye West also announced that he’s running for president, because, hey, if that guy can pull it off than, jeez, who’s to say Kanye can’t.

The consummate showman, West went on to tell his audience, “To black people, stop focusing on racism. We live in a racist country —that is a fact.” Classic rule in showbiz: When you’re losing your audience, double down on the thing they don’t like.

That’s when things started to get even crazier, and people started throwing things at Kanye, presumably tomatoes, like in a 1930s Popeye cartoon because that’s just more fun.

At this point, it definitely felt like even Kanye recognized that he was losing them — honestly, it was probably all the objects being hurled in his general direction that clued him in — so he went on to make more confusing statements.

Part of the Kanye rant where he said he's going to use a different political model in 2020 when he runs. pic.twitter.com/wmc2mLlCfg

In the ongoing war between Apple and Samsung, the battle has turned not towards more practical and useful products and services, but rather which company can impart the most damage on its users.

As has been reported, and even mocked by the president and Grand Theft Auto, Samsung has been the champion of flamable phones for the past few months. Samsung has been an innovator in how to leave their users with burns thanks to the explosive Galaxy Note 7 smartphone.

After falling asleep watching a movie on her iPhone 7, a pregnant Australian woman awoke to several “superficial” burns on her arm, leaving “an imprint of the phone and charger etched into her skin,” according to Metro.

The burns, Pelaez was told, wouldn’t be covered under the warranty, as Apple “allegedly denied that the phone was to blame ‘as it didn’t have a distinct smell’ and told her the phone usually shuts down if overheating occurs.” The phone has since been sent to California for testing.

Hey, if it doesn’t smell like an Apple burn, it’s not an Apple burn. Now, let’s see Samsung build an explosion with a signature smell. Google Pixel, you smell what we're cooking?

In what some are considering a bit of symbolism for our country going down the drain, two bald eagles in — you guessed it — Florida decided to hammer home that metaphor by getting stuck in a drain. With their talons feet from being washed away by the waste water below, the two eagles cried out for a help as a nation looks on in horror, powerless to do anything.

Many are probably wondering, how did those eagles get in that storm drain? What were they doing so close to that storm drain? Don’t they know that storm drains are dangerous? Don’t they know that just because a storm drain hosted a reality TV show that doesn’t make it a qualified world leader? Questions that, you know, could only be applied to a situation in which two bald eagles get stuck in a storm drain.

Luckily, authorities from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission intervened and rescued the trapped metaphor. One of the eagles was taken to Audubon Center for Birds of Prey in Maitland to treat its injuries. The other was released, presumably to search out more storm drains because no matter how perfect this metaphor is, it’s worth repeating over and over.

Hey, if you’re going to steal a cop car, why not share the experience with your friends?

Police arrested John Pinney, a Tulsa resident, who stole a cop car and streamed the joyride on Facebook Live on Monday night. Pinney's friends and followers got to join in the fun of stealing a patrol car, engaging in a high-speed police chase, and singing along to the radio without the added stress of breaking the law.

Oklahoma's News on 6 reports that Pinney simply walked up to the unlocked patrol car, opened the door, and took off.

News On 6 continues, "Tulsa police sergeant Steve Stoltz said a woman called 911 and told the dispatcher a man got into a police car near 5th and Denver, asked if she wanted a ride, then drove off when she said no."

Presumably, when this woman declined to be Pinney's audience, he turned to the officer's iPad, where he logged onto Facebook and proceeded to bring officers and followers on a 30-to-40-minute, 120-mile-per-hour car chase.

"I would encourage every criminal out there to Facebook Live their crimes so that we can catch you a lot easier," said Stoltz. "Use that Facebook Live at your trial to get a better conviction."

According to News on 6, Pinney was arrested "on nine complaints, including eluding, resisting arrest, and possession of a firearm by a felon." Thanks to Facebook Live, we’ll be able to relieve these crimes over and over again.