That's like, "life's a bitch," correct? I think he's very set on "fuck my life." Are either of those I listed worded properly at all?

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Baiser ma vie is too literal and doesn't make much sense, I'm afraid. Vie de merde is correct. But sad.
Don't forget to remind your mate he might feel different, less nihilistic in a couple of years time.

For what it's worth, the website FMyLife.com has various incarnations in different languages, of which the French equivalent is ViedeMerde (and in Spanish it's vida de mierda, etc).

Sometimes literal translations (baiser ma vie etc), while they may be a more accurate transposition of the SENTIMENT, don't properly link with the equivalent expression.

This happens a lot in translation... A classic example is the English "should I..." (e.g. "should I use this door?") which in French has transposed from the more archaic "dois-je" to asking a question with a similar but not identical meaning (e.g. "c'est par cette porte que je passe?")