Jihadist Uses Ke$ha’s Tricks to Kiss Osama’s Ass

Kanye. Ke$ha. Al Qaeda. History’s greatest monsters all have something in common – beyond their insatiable appetites for human blood. They’ve all used the “autotune” voice-shaping software to make their otherwise sucky voices sound all cool and computer-y.

That’s right, “Asadaullah Alshishani,” the pseudononymous contributor to a number of English-language jihadi forums, has recorded a song, “Amir of the Ansar,” devoted to Osama Bin Laden using a rudimentary form of autotune. And it’s as craptastic as the description sounds. Alshishani even asks forgiveness for “its poor quality.” With lyrical gems like “Amir of the Ansaar/How beautiful you are!/Your sword gleams in the sun/Like a shining star” the apology is much needed.

The song was recorded on May 15 while Alshishani was, as he describes, “high on a mountain top.” It’s unclear at press time whether that description applied to his physical or mental altitude.

We’ve seen this kind of storyline before. People freak out about [insert societal phenomenon here] luring young folks into antisocial behavior through rebellious music. In the 70s and 80s it was punk and heavy metal. In the 90s it was gangsta rap. But being anti-establishment can only take you so far. At some point you have to actually write good music. Alshishani and Ameriki, however, suck. Bad.

If this is the best jihadism has to offer, I think we can put our fears of a jihadi Sex Pistols to bed.