So it’s been over a year...maybe even 2 that i’ve written in here. I’ll keep it short...skip the useless chatter of pointless dating and go straight to the point...Things have changed...this blog is now more about real relationships then dating anymore...I’m no longer single...and happily so!I’ve learned so much…from my wonderful other half…about the integrity of a loving relationship. What it means to have and gain trust…to lose it…to work and struggle together to obtain it back. How situations, people and miscommunication can impact the relationship…a ripple effect that can leak into the core of what brings you two together. What I've learned... Talk it out...reach either through calm logic or emotional compassion..whichever suits your other half. No matter how mad or angry you are...let it go so you both can communicate clearly with each other instead of both getting upset and defensive. It’s important to do this...not easy esp if you’re upset and feel the other person doesn’t deserve it. But this solves a few issues up front... Being honest, feeling secure with your other half enough to tell them what’s wrong, and enough for the other person to feel safe responding. Nothing can be fixed when emotions/tempers are high and barriers are up before either side talks. Communication, only once you’ve accomplished the first task can you talk things out. I mean TALK...like whatever is in the deep recesses of your mind and too scared to get out...you tell it. Here’s the tricky part. The part we all fear...At this point we feel comfortable and calm that both sides are listening AND care no matter how mad..before you’ve told them. This is where trust comes in...trusting that the other person has been sincere in the things they’ve discussed especially their emotions/feelings. Trusting that they’re genuine in making this relationship work, that they will follow through on their end that they will talk it through,think it through and work it out...and not walk away from you and the relationship. If they walk away...then they’ve made the choice to not be a part of the relationship...of you and your life. Their part in your story is over... This is the ideal way to communicate...it will take time and patience and continuously learning body language and how the other person communicates. It may never be 100% perfect...but together you can make it as close as you can.I’m aware that there are times where either person will need to ask for advice…to seek some solace when times get tough…it’s just the honesty from it when you admit to your love that you’re struggling and sought advice before talking to them about the issue.It’s the respect you will receive in return from telling them and the integrity of keeping them and your relationship number one…and the trust you’ll have gained ...is priceless. Otherwise…the words, thoughts, emotions you convey to another person you’re confiding in -instead of the person you love…will weaken your relationship…losing communication and the bond you’re building together…and trust will begin to fade…suspicion will crowd in… In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond – you have to be each other’s number 1 and in 1st spot for sharing and being together as one unit, or else you’ll be investing your time and emotions elsewhere while your love relationship becomes one-sided with hiding and secrets….like shadows haunting you…following you…

Luke 6:31"31 Do to others as you would have them do to you."Watch your words and actions so they do not rebound back on you. If there’s something you’re doing that you’d keep a secret because you know it’s not right or would be hurtful if your love found out…would you want them to do that to you? Can you imagine the hurt and pain they’d feel…the betrayal of breaking the bond of trust you both have been fighting, working to build and keep..and their loss of hope and faith to believe in your words?Most importantly..why would you? If you are...then you're lying to yourself,the other person..and to the relationship.

I’m not perfect at it…but it’s the most important thing to me that I'll always be aiming to perfect. So…what is it to build a relationship..to make sure you’re building a strong bond with each other? It’s when the love you’re with knows all of your secrets...your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows. That you share physically, mentally and emotionally with them and no other…hiding from them only surprises that express your love. And …In the end, that one person does not think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does. Instead your love will strengthen you, hold you close - bringing you both together beyond any relationship with another person you may have. And when times get tough…choose your battles… some fights are worth fighting for, some aren’t…fight for the side that will continue to build and strengthen your relationship together and move on grateful to learn more about each other from the situation. If both sides are this way with each other….there can be no loss but only gain…for life.

Perhaps after all this time Ive learned something valuable. Technically I’ve been single since 2005...uselessly married and thrown into the dark from the ‘dating’ world for 7 years...and now at age 30 being thrown back in...I'm completely rusty,lost and learning like I'm 20 all over again. 10 guys later and even through the heartache I've found myself....and found who I’m looking for and what I'm looking for. Even till this day some of these men still have a part of my heart....a crush still there for them. Yet, after all these unique men I’ve found who I’m looking for...in terms of qualities I want. Each person has a unique quality to them that I like...a special something that makes me want that part of them. It’s the whole picture that I'm missing. Personality, to appearance to views on life to their own experiences that have made them who they are...and most importantly availability for something serious...with me.

Then theres the sexual intensity that I’m looking for of which only some of the few have touched upon. The physical attraction a big important determination on if they’re someone I am interested in pursuing. Then theres the ‘aftermath’ of how it all went with them...another learning tool of how to ‘handle’ it the next time I'm interested.

I’ll be the first to admit...that, that’s a lot of all I want right now...the physical intimacy...being held, feeling wanted and cherished...affection and the caring words that come with it. Seems like that’s a hard thing to get nowadays, like it takes MORE work to do that...I don’t get it, but ok.

These few that have stayed with me in my heart and have captured a part of what I am looking for...which is the ‘love of my life’. I say this because I have yet to meet him...to be with him. I think this dating routine I'm in is building blocks for finding him. Making me pickier, stronger and hopefully wiser with whom to be with. Steve, Cody, Kelley, Brian, Scott, Jeff, Matt’s, Jeremy, Dan....all of you have helped build me and who I’m searching for. That even through parts of hurting me I still see the brighter picture of realizing that you aren't for me...but a part of who you are is what my heart is searching for. Some of you have been kind to me and a valuable asset of a friend that I wouldn't trade for anything.

So what have I learned from ‘dating’ or ‘seeing someone...? To still not settle for less...that there is a valuable lesson in going through the movements even if nothing comes from it in the long run. I personally...still hate ‘dating’...only because I'm honest enough to admit I'm lonely and want that person to be here already...to snuggle with, hold hands with...spend time with and have the intimacy. But theres someone I’ve met...who I am exceedingly interested in that told me “Having patience for something you like/want is more worthwhile in the long run”. Now this coming from someone that has all the pieces excluding availability. Perhaps he never will have the availability to date and be in a real relationship...but another eye opener to remind me..that THE person is out there somewhere.

So where am I at now? Dating...not even dating as in dinner and a movie....but dating as in meeting someone, getting to know them....maybe have that intimacy...but most definitely not assuming their the ‘one’ and its a keeper. Maybe that’s what dating has meant all along and I'm just now getting the idea of it.

So...now I'm back on the block...I think i’ll play...explore the sensuality and fun of meeting new people, still searching for the man I'm meant to be with...but this time having fun with it. As my best friend says “Always be ready to move onto the NEXT”.

Build a relationship...not rush a relationship...like a foundation to a home. When the foundation isn’t strong enough and a relationship is pushed it comes crashing down; shaking, cracking, breaking the foundation that is there...keep forcing a relationship enough times- not even the foundation will be left...and the house becomes completely unbuildable. Yet…with a strong foundation, a beautiful home can be built…forever secure, safe and lovely.

It's about chosing better foundation to 'use'...taking more time, having patience (that I'm learning to have), and when the house is done...it will be beautiful and strong and secure...

I am not going to settle for less anymore- this means >>No more murky, no more gray, no more undefined, and no more undeclared.And if at all possible try to know someone as best you can before you get naked.

I had a guy friend of mine flat out tell me the guys I’ve been associating with are straight up JERKS quoting “you should decide exactly what you want and then not settle for anything less.”And I stopped and realized….he’s absolutely right.Sure I’ve had in mind what I want, then id meet ‘Guy’ and decide I like him too much to give up on him and decide to deal with the BS he gives me.Another thing that guy friend told me “if someone can’t give you a second to respond. They’re not worth the effort.”So true…how many times have I sat by the phone…wasting away hours anticipating a text or call? An answer to a question? Waiting for him to tell me when he’s gonna see me?Too many times…My mind is fried and my heart is tired. 2 times this has happened now…and it’s only my fault b.c I keep giving into the idea of something that’s not there, which in return makes me settle for less. I had another guy friend give me advice stating “If I tell a girl that I’m not interested in anything serious and she still sticks around anyways…its not my fault she gets hurt, cuz I warned her.”Ouch…but true. The ‘Guy’ is probably thinking that, yet I keep stringing along in hopes that there will be more in the long run. But isn’t that basically settling for less? Giving up on something better out there…someone who would actually respect me, care about me- and SHOW it-Even if it’s just texting and calling me everyday…?So after my sweet friend pointed out that I need to figure out what I want then not settle for less…it got me thinking…what DO I want? What do I deserve? That’s within reason of course…So I’ve thought up some that not only I but other women should have for ‘wants and expectations’ to gauge guys to date.

1. Respect: answering texts and phone calls when possible>With complete honesty, but kindness. Showing up when a date is planned, calling and cancelling if they can’t. Responding to my concerns about relationship issues instead of avoiding. Verbally respecting you along with body language- calling names and pushin around. (some play is fun, but not all the time…duh)

2. Honesty: I like to say ‘honesty with sweet talking’ which is basically saying what’s on your mind but in the same sentence a sweet word of reassuring. “Babie, I’m sorry but I’m not interested in seeing you tonight.”I LOVE this…it’s my off button…I’m a sucker for sweet words and sweet talkin! This takes trust from the guy that I won’t be all emotional and drama about it…and I’m NOT. It’s when I don’t hear anything at all I get drama about it…DUH. Honest when I’m pushing too much, or being too annoying, or if they need space (give a time frame). I DESERVE this kind of honesty…EVERY girl does.

3. Communication: This goes along with honesty, but means more about actually communicating to me feelings of anger, frustration, sadness etc. I think ‘Guy’ and I coulda worked out better if he felt he could communicate and be more honest with me from the beginning- but he didn’t even TRY! He closed up, dropped off the face of the planet. So sad…that he didn’t give me a chance to prove to him I’m not a drama queen. Communication is huge for texting as well…well for me it is.

4. Dedication: Obviously if they are even remotely following along this path they will be dedicated enough to you and the relationship. If they are dedicated then they’d actually miss you, want to be with you, go out of their way to be with you. If they aren’t dedicated…why should you be? Why waste your time on someone who’s half in and half out. Why wait for them to be ready to ‘dedicate’ to a relationship….settling for less would be me waiting on someone to be ready. Sure, this requires a jump on the guys part…since they naturally shy away from something serious. But am I worth it?

5. Sex: Big part of a relationship…but women shouldn’t have to give it so easy to a guy to keep an interest. This includes texting as well…the 2 guys…honestly…only texted me when I started talking dirty. After awhile I started using it as a tool to get their attention. And of course when I switched to a serious topic…they disappeared. This is just horrible that guy would be this way…and stupid for me to settle for less and stick with them. Not only that, but if you feel it’s the only way to get a guy to be interested at all…your standards are way too low! Sure it’s fun to go play…but when it comes to finding something serious. Sex should be something fun, interesting, but also the guys gotta work for it.

Overall I DESERVE: honesty (someone who has the balls to be straightforward, someone who Is sweet and kind when doing it), communication (someone who WANTS to call or text EVERYDAY, someone who can text me just to say ‘busy day ill holler at you tomorrow babie ‘, someone that responds to my worries and needs of reassurance), Dedication (someone who WANTS to be with me and not ‘wait’, someone who is willing to take risks and get into a relationship)and Sex (respecting me by not letting me use it as an attention getter and making sure it means more)

I’m sure I might think of more and add them when they come to me. But that’s it for now…

As for me…If he doesn’t miss me after not talking to me at the end of a day (or 2)- he’s not worth itIf he doesn’t care enough to respond at all(to texts,IM's,Emails, Phone calls)- he’s not worth itIf he doesn’t try to catch me before he loses me…not worth it…

I've had so many guys tell me this recently ...what the heck does it really mean? What am I suppose to do with that?

I like you....but your not good enough to date...I like you...but your not really my type...I like you....but I just want FWB from you until I find someone I really want I like you...like I like my puppy...I like you...I enjoy time with you, so let me use you until I'm done with you..I like you....but I'm still gonna treat you like my puppy...I like you...but..but...but...

So what does it really mean? Is it the mark of a beginning to something or is it just an over used expression guys use to stay nice but not really mean or do anything? When does it mean more...? How can I navigate through all the bullshit to find the one who really means it?

How many times have women been run over by a guy using this saying but not really meaning it? I think in reality...liking me isn't good enough. I'm at a point where I just wanna tell a guy to fuck off when he says it..b.c I don't believe in that saying anymore.

To me...and most women..."i like you" is a guy telling us 'your worthwhile enough to take the next steps to a relationship". That's what I see when someone tells me that...so its a double negative when in reality it doesn't mean that way.Hey 'i like cookies' but you don't see me endearing to them 'i like you cookie' before I eat it!

I'm trying not to be bitter or angry...its too early in my dating adventure to become this way. Yet I can't help but wonder...has the dating world changed so much that now its FWB first then we will see where it goes? I guess a part of me is old school...when a guy asks me on a date its b.c he 'likes' me for who I am,and plans to take it into more serious....before the sex...before the date...so that when the date starts your both on the same page that it means more,could turn into something more. Now given...dating IS getting to know someone and seeing if you click , if there's chemistry ...but atleast in the beginning your on the same page its more then 'i like you cuz I just wanna fuck'.

Take head boys....watch your words...be straightforward...be blunt if you have to!

I've heard this so many times...some from sweet talkers who I think are for real, that calling me 'sweetie' or 'baby' shows me that they are serious about commitement...that it's a form of actions to show me they are serious...about me...Then from others who are honest about taking it little bit at a time, just going slow...no real leading on with emotional sweet words or affection...'Seeing where it goes' is a dangerous term I think guys overuse without really thinking or knowing what it means to us ladies....so here's some insight...Guys seem to forget...that the words 'seeing where it goes' IS a form of commitement. It's Telling the woman they ARE worthwhile to go further...that they are the one they want to seriously see where it goes...it's thier way of saying they want you, they truly miss you when you aren't around, can't stop thinking about you....Guys seem to forget that for us gals we build up emotions for them everytime we spend time with them in any form...the shared glances...wanting more and more everytime we see them and be with them, talk to them, share with them....wanting to just feel thier arms around you,feel them kiss you...while they're possibly feeling nothing....and you aren't even sure what thier feeling...

So what does it really mean when a guy says 'lets see where this goes' but doesn't claim more then friends? That the woman isn't worth really going somewhere with? What's the point of really even saying that then....just come out and say that the woman isn't worth your time b.c you dont see in them what you really want.Don't get me wrong....I'm not saying that the concept of taking time and getting to know someone before living with them or marrying them is wrong. Heck my standard is serious relationship and living with them for atleast 2 years, then get married....im in no rush to be married. So what's wrong with having a slow actual relationship till then....holding hands, exploring boyfriend and girlfriend,enjoying true companionship...going slow in an intimate and exclusive relationship....?That's what made me realize....that's the diffrence. If someone is really interested then they will want to claim you before another guy does...and from there see where it goes. That to me...is where the term should really be used...until then....'just friends' is more true to term.I'll be the first to admit ....I know im not perfect....but I am an amazing and unique woman with alot of things to offer someone who's looking for something grand.'I am a beautiful rose...ripe and perfect for picking...wait too long to pluck me up and I will either wilt or be taken by someone else...'And if the guy isnt bothered by the fact that someone else would swoop in and take you, or watching someone else claim you as thier girlfriend- move on....they aren't serious about you and dont let them drag you through fake ideas,hopes,possibilities....all it will be in the long run for you...is torture.You're heart will just grow in hopes,affection and lead to falling in love with someone who's just there for the ride.Lesson learned....when a guy says 'Lets see where it goes' but doesn't pluck you for thier own....they don't mean it. Not in a commited...you are worthwhile to take the journey with kind of way.

It's never an easy thing to end a relationship...someone will always be hurt- it's inevitable. How you handle the person and situation will show respect and make it easier to end things as fair and 'good' as possible and there will be times that,that won't be possible.It's been a hard road...and there are times where I've been wrong...seeking 'things' in the wrong place, searching in men something perfect that did not exist.The inevitable break-up starts simple...then seeps through like a plague...reaching to the core of the relationship...making each other at our worst. Even through the bad times...the brea-ups, I see myself more clearly now....my good and my bad...realizing where my weaknesses are that infiltrate and make things what are not.I have a desire that needs to be fullfilled and if i look in the wrong place it can backfire.Am I more lost or have I finallly been found...with more understanding....I do not know...My heart is hardened, my resolve toughned,my reality more grounded...my passive nature is finally tired of being someones door mat.I am single and while that is lonely...my soul is my own to keep, my peace to not be taken...Knowing that they have lost in thier life my goodness...my heart...my sincerity....So here's my tips for male and female dealing with being dumped- Your destiny is not tied to someone who walks away...don't let them leave scars in your life, or let it overcome you. Don't waste time begging,pleading ...let them walk and know that because thier destiny is not tied to yours THIER part in your story is over...thier story isn't good enough...righteous enough...to be there with you to the finish...And what a grand fullfilling story YOU will have!

You ever wish you had telepathy?Just so you can know what the other is thinking and feeling...so that you can navigate your own thoughts/feelings to be the same. This way you could never doubt or be left in the unknown about whats really going on...

The downside of that...is there is no privacy. It wouldn't be fair,but the idea would be nice.Thats the diffrence between men and women....men naturally can sift through the reality of a relationship and know where things stand. Whereas women...think...and think...and think. How many times has there been problems in a relationship b.c the woman is over thinking things to a point of over kill?How do we find the balance then...to take the facts and see the reality of things like men?

I think...to a point....it's why we women are made. To be the emotional thinkers of a relationship...to bring love and romance and the men feel loved and complete to respond. I think....we are the emotional glue thats holds it together, and it's a tough thing to do. Men complain we are pushy and clingy...and yet if we stopped...what would be left but an empty shell of a 'relationship'.I also think that it matters on the person you are with....if they dont reciprocate our affection.....then clearly they will just get more and more annoyed.

So wheres the fine line when it becomes too much? When the woman is pushing too hard...or when the man stops caring....

Well....we dont have telepathy...so it's about communication.....The woman communicating her needs/wants/hurts, and the man communicating when its too much,that he actually cares.Both takes trust that the other person can handle the information and that it'll be worked through, not tossed to the side.

I’ve come to realize…that’s a deadly word to have in a relationship. The kind of expectation women have from a romance novel…or romance movie…sets too high expectations for a man.This type of expectation…leaves the woman always needing and wanting more from their partner that only leads to trouble. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying a guy is incapable of the romance that comes from those stories….But when a guy says he cares, loves you, wants you in their life…the thoughts from a romance story creeps in. Expecting to get the 'sweep you off your feet' feeling. The ladies are expecting the most romantic journey of their life…while the guy is content with simple and taking it step by step. Expecting that when a guy says those wonderful things that they are going to be getting all the ‘more’ they’ve been searching for.This is unhealthy in a relationship…it leads to a lot of discontent, drama and can lead to communication being broken. Meanwhile the guy is feeling more and more pushed into a corner they aren’t ready for. This kind of expectation…does nothing but put poison into a healthy relationship. The woman becomes more and more insecure and losing confidence in the things said ,done to where there is nothing left but continual doubt.Why is that though? Why can’t the things he’s done be good enough? Why must we women torture ourselves with this overbearing feeling of not being good enough or that they will inevitably leave us in the long run?Personally…I think I’ve excelled in life…at pushing men away because of this. The logical side of me sees it all happening as if a slow horror movie is unfolding. The emotional side is blinded by hope that everything is ok…leaving me empty, waiting, and unhappy.Just like out of a romance novel…I wait while my knight in shining armor is off fighting dragons. Waiting…leaving everything else behind to focus on growing romance and growing the relationship…while the guy isn’t even there. It becomes one-sided and then you realize that it is…you’re left with nothing to show for it…initiating everything to a point where you feel like…if you didn’t do it or say it…they never will. Meanwhile….he’s still off fighting dragons…has no clue… and I’m all alone.So what then…when you’re at the point in realizing that it’s not a romance novel…but reality.Women I think have the overwhelming tendency to over think and over analyze something that doesn’t need to be. Learning to be content with the things that can be given> The knight said he loved you before he left, he made sure you’d be well fed for the days he is gone on his journey…and even made sweet love to you the night before he left. To him..that is romance…because when he returns home…it’ll be all the more.I’m brainstorming here….because the reality is I struggle with this everyday…taking my own advice is hard. Is there a book somewhere I can read…or map or directions to handle the dark moments while my knight is off fighting dragons and I’m left to all these torrent thoughts?I know…deep down…It’s just the waiting…the confidence to believe in it. And my knight…is worth waiting at home for…

I got inspired by a ‘friends’ post in regards to arguing in a relationship. Now granted the post was for fun with a hint of seriousness, but it got my creativity going…

Arguments are a fact of life…family, friends, and dating relationships. There are some things that make them worse in specific relating to specific people.Basis of most arguments I think is this: there’s 2 things about a guy that’s (usually) a fact:1. They hate Drama 2. They hate to reassure. The smart thing to do would be find a woman without drama, where the man doesn’t need to always reassure(b.c it'll come naturally)Could arguments be lessened without a woman’s dramatic reaction and the man dreading he has to reassure all the time?

I think to add onto those 2 basic things…is trust and honesty.So many guys I’ve dated didn’t trust my reaction to how they were feeling or thinking assuming that my reaction would be dramatic. So they held it in, didn’t say anything…disappeared. My reaction to them ‘disappearing’...drama-ish. I’m human...infallible...I’m not perfect…but I am a person who hates avoidance and dishonesty. It really pisses me off…and hurts that my emotional reaction can’t be trusted....when they didnt even give me a chance to show how little drama I can be.

On the flip side…what guy is going really feel they can be honest in a relationship? They perhaps think they are showing they care by staying quiet and make the other happy? But then the truth is never told…hidden within and seeping deep into the core of the relationships strength…eating it slowly away. If this happens every time…it will crumble from within…Women will eventually be able to tell that there is something amiss…then…the argument starts.

It takes a lot of trust to be able to be honest… It can take a lot for a woman to realize the honesty coming from a guy…take a step back from reacting and appreciate that the guy is taking a chance at being truthful. Then calmly discuss…

If the relationship is strong, meant to be…then arguments need to turn into discussion on how to make things better.

As for me…the more I know…ahead of time, upfront and with honesty…the more I am clear headed and not dramatic about it at all. My ‘off’ button to possibly being upset about what may need to be said…is sweet talking. (baby,hunnie,sweety etc). Makes me feel better about the situation; feel that somewhere in their honesty…they still care.“I’m sorry sweetheart…but I’m not interested in you that way.”

Women…if you want that honesty, you got to give up the drama to listen and work it out…Guys…take a chance…be honest…and really consider if you’re with the right girl if she doesn’t try to be drama free to work on the relationship…