April 2, 2013

“Read” Your Child

I grew up with only one sibling, a brother not much younger than
I, and I lived out in the country as a teen so I didn’t have many babysitting
opportunities. I was a classroom teacher for years before becoming a mom, but I
taught teenagers. Thus, I was quite nervous while pregnant with my older
daughter, unsure that I’d know how to properly care for and nurture a baby.

I read several “what to expect” books during my pregnancy and
planned to read all the most highly recommended parenting books to make sure
I’d “get it right.” In fact, I eagerly dove into one book just days after
coming home from the hospital because it was all the rage among some of my
friends at the time, and it claimed to teach parents a sure-fire way to get a
baby onto a schedule almost immediately. As a naturally organized person
– my husband’s nickname for me is “Rou-Tina!” – that sounded good to me.

As I read the first chapter, I thought, “I’m not sure about
this. It sounds too rigid. She’s just a baby.” But, what did I know? This
author was a Christian “expert,” and I was an insecure neophyte. So I began
implementing his recommendations even though forcing my newborn onto an
unbendable schedule of my choosing
seemed to make her miserable. In fact, she slept far less and cried far more
that day than she had during all of the previous week.

By the second day, as I continued reading right through Rachel’s
tired and hungry screams – because the book said I had to “teach” her that it
“wasn’t time” for her to eat or sleep yet – I felt sick to my stomach. What was
I doing to my precious girl? Why was I relying on the “expertise” of a stranger
who had never met my daughter? Why did I need to put my newborn on a strict
schedule anyway? Wouldn’t there be plenty of time to develop a routine later?

I made it through the second chapter. But, as I closed the book,
I thought, “Enough! I need to ‘read’ Rachel, not this book!” I scooped up my
wailing daughter, rocking and cooing until she calmed down. Then we cuddled
together as I fed her – despite the fact that the book said I was supposed to
make her wait another hour – and she fell asleep in my arms – one more
“mistake” according to the “expert.”

I actually ended up throwing that book in the trash – no small
feat for a bibliophile such as I. But I was so concerned about the author’s
harsh approach that I wouldn’t donate it; I didn’t want to risk being
responsible for any other new mom seeing it and believing its advice was right.

And thus began my journey of learning to “read” my children.

It’s not that I’m opposed to outside parenting resources; I’ve
actually read several good books over the years and have a few favorite
websites as well. And I enjoy asking for help from friends further along on the
parenting journey.

But I’ve learned that, though advice from “experts” can be
helpful, the more important thing is that I become an expert on the particular
children with whom God has blessed me. That is, I need to “study” – through
careful observation and intimate interaction – the particular make-up of each
of my children until I become an expert in knowing as much as I possibly can
about how the Lord has uniquely wired each one. Then I can wisely choose which
outside “parenting techniques” might work and which to dismiss from our home.
And I’ll have the wisdom to then custom-fit the helpful ideas. Doing it the
other way – trying to shape my child to fit the “experts’” opinions – is
misguided, backwards, and potentially very harmful.

I know I wasn’t alone in my insecurity. In fact, many in my
generation and among those younger feel very incapable of mothering well
because most of us were given little training and practice as girls. But I can
attest, from this vantage point just a little further down the road, that our
God can be trusted. He gave you a mother’s heart when He gave you a child, and
He will empower you with wisdom as
you invest your time and energy to learn to “read” your child.

1 comment:

I loved your article, Tina. How very important it is, in deed, for parents to "read" their baby. My sisters and I were all raised basicly the same and yet, all raised their children a little bit differently, according to their baby's needs...not that they didn't learn a lot from our mom. I can attest to having some pretty terrific neices and nephews so "one size" does not fit all. Through my many years of babysitting, I certainly learned that all babies are different and need to be treated as such. How I hope young mothers read your article and take it to heart!

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