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Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Hi guys,

I have a problem: my boyfriend is kinda boring in bed. All he ever wants to do is cuddle up, make out and jerk off next to each other. He does give me handjobs frequently, but that's about as far as it goes. We have been together for about eight months and in all that time he's given me roughly about three blowjobs, and not for very long either, and never swallowed! Not that it's a deal breaker, but I just miss having oral sex. I can totally live without the anal, but oral? I love oral. And I have a fantastic cock, too. He does occasionally suck on my balls, but I think the reason why he refrains from blowing me is because he was once misdiagnosed with HIV and nearly took his life. Now, he's completely traumatized of all STDs. It took about a week of serious dating for him to finally kiss me and of course he explained all this. I don't know. Maybe I am being a fucking diva, but I miss having my dick sucked, and sucking dick, too. Any ideas? I don't want to force him on my cock...although that might be kinda hot. I'm nineteen and he's near his fifties...you think he'd be all over my teenage boy dick

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Well, as someone who is over 50, I can relate to some of the possible reasons that he may be acting this way.

1. He could have a fear of intimacy, has he had a previous relationship where he may have given himself completely and was
betrayed, cheated on, or any other similar treatment. You have to make him trust you.

2. He could be, and most likely is, suffering from a lowered testosterone level. This happens as we age, whether we
want it to or not. There are treatments available.

3. You need to ask what he wants, if he gets what he wants he is more likely to get more excited and thereby more worked
up. That is if he isn't too shy to be open about it.

4. Shake things up, makeout and suck or fuck in the back yard, at a drive in movie if you can find one, or just in the car
out in the driveway. Use your imagination and get kinkly. You don't have to push any boundaries, at first, but you can go
from there.

5. You know, it is always fun to shower together. Maybe he is sensitive to body odor or breath. I don't mean horrible stuff, just
maybe shower and brush your teeth before hand . . .

6. He may have a problem with his own body image, where he really does or not. Perception is practically reality.

7. He could be stressed out about work, money, and all of the other things that stress us out. This is in no way a slam, because
most younger people just don't have a basis for comparison, but given the age difference, he just has more things to think
about and generally, has more baggage. He may realize he hasn't put away enough for retirement, or any number of issues.

These are a few of the things to think about, and he may open up more if you work it out with him, instead of you living in frustration. Whether or not you realize it, it probably bothers him knowing that he isn't satisfying you. The problems you are describing could be a combination of any of the things I've listed or more.

These are just ideas, and may have nothing to do with it, I wish you luck, and to me that you are concerned enough to inquire, is commendable in itself and shows you feel he is worth it.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Ok, let me be the voice of the Sex Crowd here. While people tend to frown on someone complaining about his sex life, and among some parts of the gay community there is the misconception that if you do that, you're only in the relationship for the sex, the cold hard truth is that when it comes to a relationship, sex is an absolute. It is not a thing that could be part of it. It IS, unless both people don't want it, which is extremely rare (and to me - weird). It is a base, and FROM that base, you have everything else in a relationship. So while a relationship is definitely NOT about just having sex, no relationship can survive without healthy and satisfying sex life.

It is a mystery to me that you have managed to stay in this for EIGHT months. My record is two months, and we did have sex twice the first one. Whatever the reasons, however legit, if you need sex and he can't provide it, you should not try to delude yourself into thinking that it makes you a bad person. No, you have needs, and part of a relationship is the absolute necessity that those needs be satisfied. So if that is not going to happen, the relationship can't survive, pure and simple.

My advise is to try and talk to him about it, and convey what I just said, though in a less "tough love" style. He is not "boring" in bed, he is completely unsatisfying. Boring is wanting to only do it in one position, or being super quiet, or just lying there and taking it, or some such. Not having any intercourse is not boring, it's missing.

That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
- Gene Wolfe

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

I agree with the above. Sexually you are not compatible with your partner and given his age this is not going to change no matter what you say or do. At your age I suggest you change your relationship to a' friends with benefits ' sort of partnership and start looking around for someone who can satisfy your not un-natural sexual desires. Best of luck but break away from your present set up.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

A lot of guys in their 50s are past sex, or at least don't have the sex drive of a 19 year old. Before I get flamed I didn't say ALL, i said SOME. Either find a more horny 50 year old, or someone your own age.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

I would agree that the age difference is likely playing SOME SORT of underlying reason for this disconnect. I have had a relationship with an older gent who also had a "scare" and then wanted to be super uptight about what we could do... so I understand. If you feel the relationship is fulfilling in other areas then hopefully y'all can discuss it and figure out the cause, if the personal connection side of your relationship isn't going well either.. then it might be time to end it.

He's lowered his voice another notch, perhaps worried the unhappy boy might find out about his unhappiness and be unhappier still. Empire Falls - Richard Russo

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

The relationship is plenty fulfilling in other areas. I can tell that he truly cares about me and wishes to see me happy, and that is something that is really important to me (and I feel the same way about him, too). I wouldn't say that we are not compatible in bed, but I just want a little more now. The handjobs and body contact was fine at first, but now I want to go a little beyond that. I truly care for him and don't necessarily think his refusal to give or receive head is a deal breaker...yet.

I feel kinda silly talking to him about that, because I am practically begging for a blowjob, which if he does not want to give, I do not want to force my dick on him.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Every couple that has a healthy sex life, talks about sex or has talked about it at one point. Feeling that you need to go outside the relationship to discuss it is a big red flag. Why would anyone need to beg the person they love for sex? Why would the person not want to make love to you? Your pleasure should be his pleasure. Giving pleasure to the one you love makes for passion for both, imho. But what do I know??

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

I believe there are more problems to this relationship than just the sexlessness. It is concerning a man in his late 40s would find a meaningful relationship with a 19 year-old. Perhaps he's not into your "teenage cock" and is more interested in the idea of having a pretty boyfriend for company.

You should break up with him as the context of this relationship is skewed. There's nothing wrong with having an intimate friendship or hookups with an older man. However, if you are a teenage boy wanting a serious, life-long relationship with a man nearing his fifties, then you're selling yourself short. Find a serious relationship with a man closer to your age.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Originally Posted by Just_Believe18

You should break up with him as the context of this relationship is skewed. There's nothing wrong with having an intimate friendship or hookups with an older man. However, if you are a teenage boy wanting a serious, life-long relationship with a man nearing his fifties, then you're selling yourself short. Find a serious relationship with a man closer to your age.

Some guys like guys over 50. When I was 18, I only liked guys over 40 and so I dated someone in his early 40's. While I thought there were some cute guys my own age, they didn't nearly as much for me as the older guys did.

With that said, I think large age gaps when the younger guy is in his late teens/early 20's, can be difficult and there's a lot to think about and consider if it's really going to work long-term.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Originally Posted by Just_Believe18

I believe there are more problems to this relationship than just the sexlessness. It is concerning a man in his late 40s would find a meaningful relationship with a 19 year-old. Perhaps he's not into your "teenage cock" and is more interested in the idea of having a pretty boyfriend for company.

You should break up with him as the context of this relationship is skewed. There's nothing wrong with having an intimate friendship or hookups with an older man. However, if you are a teenage boy wanting a serious, life-long relationship with a man nearing his fifties, then you're selling yourself short. Find a serious relationship with a man closer to your age.

How am I selling myself short by being in a relationship with a mature man?

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Decide if you "want" more or "need" more and convey that to your partner. No one has the right to tell you what those needs and wants are or what they ought to be, but you, in turn, ought to be honest with yourself to minimize frustration and to maximize happiness. Needs are considered absolutes, things that keep you healthy and happy. Wants are great to have, but not essential.

You may be afraid to admit to your needs because of the alternatives of what happens if they're not met. The thing to consider is that frustration can turn to resentment and anger.

I wish you the best as you sort things out and have important conversations with your partner.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

The fact that there's not even oral involved seems to contradict your claim that he wants to see you happy. If he's that afraid of STDs, he can blow you with a condom. It's normal for the sex to become less frequent, but to not even have had that honeymoon phase? I think you need to look further. There are plenty of older guys in their 50s who can give you what you're looking for. I would also question the mental stability of someone so willing to commit suicide because they are HIV+.

Re: Boyfriend is kinda boring in bed...

Dude, don't keep things from your boyfriend. The question is, do you trust him not to judge you for having wants? Look, ask him if it would help if you washed there with Hibiclens (an antibacterial agent) or something: that would be a good way to approach it a little obliquely.

I am also with a silver, and we both started out with libidos that were disproportionate for our ages. I barely wanted to have sex at all. I just wanted to cuddle a lot, and I had all the sex drive of a eunuch. I would often inadvertently start something in bed, and then I would seem to lose interest, leaving him with lover's nuts, which I did not know about until he told me.

We talked to each other. I felt that he was being too demanding, and he was taking things to be sexual signals when I really just wanted to cuddle and feel close to him. He did not know that until I explained it to him. However, I had to learn that he has a very sensitive libido and is easily aroused, so I had to learn to be less provocative with him. He had to come to grips with the fact that I was going to lose my mind if we went on having sex six times daily (with him at 70 years old).

It has been two years now, and we have adjusted to each other, both in our habits and in our physiological reactions. If we had not talked about it, though, we would have continued getting into fights (about everything but sex), and we would have continued to go through the day feeling dissatisfied and cheated. Having the presence of mind to talk about these things saved our relationship.