Every Shit Is An Emergency

Yeah.

My diet is still shit. Every shit is an emergency. Someone quick. Someone. Intervene. Or my bumhole will explode. My soul is sick without Jesus, Mohammed or any of those boys. I’m eating because I am an empty unit. I eat when I’m bored/restless which is about 80% of my waking hours.

You eat to live. Not live to eat. Throw all your wanky truisms at me.

I try to go to the bathroom before every run but all I get is air. Loud air. Thunder. Out of my hole. I try to push so hard that I’m risking a stroke but I get no substance.

Sometimes I push so hard that my sight turns purple. I’m one missed heartbeat away from being the worst possible mix of Elvis Presley and Jim Fixx. I don’t want to die crying with my pants down.

Unless your mother and I have come to an arrangement.

Then when I start moving the turd starts knocking at my door. It’s so frustrating.

I love running by twilight now. It means that I can scope out places to shit without the authorities getting involved. I want to shit as lonely as a fox on a prairie. Built up areas make my colon rumble.

When I’m running past people when I need a shit, all I can focus on is the image of me shitting myself right in front of them there and having to walk back with soggy cacks as they laugh and retch in disgust. I can see it playing out in my head all the time.

The desperation is too much to handle at times. I’m constantly thinking about turning back on the run. Even when I was getting off the train every night at Tottenham Hale I had to make sure I had access to bathrooms in case it all went wrong.

I’d go into the bathroom at KFC but it was always too disgusting to use. So I’d withdraw money so that I could go into a bar to use their toilet. But most of the bars in N17 are dodgy as fuck and just make my bumhole even angrier.

Most of this is psychosomatic. I don’t think I’ve got PTSD after the night of the brown legs, but my confidence is somewhat shaken.

I’ve been running faster recently as preparation in case I really need to go. I can see no other reason to do ‘speed work’.