What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans tired of being distracted by “sensible” analysis, backed by “facts” and “knowledge.” If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are “reality” and “logic,” then this is your port of call.

1. Am I the only person expecting (hoping/wishing/praying with every ounce of my being) to see Dick Enberg eventually leave the broadcast booth mid-telecast, and begin prancing across the field while singing ‘I Feel Pretty’?

Perhaps the time has come to consider putting Dick out to pasture. Is the state of modern sports broadcasting so bad that it keeps people on-air who have clearly lost a step, or twelve?

2. On second thought, I would pay money to see a John Madden-Pat Summerall-Dick Enberg broadcast. Somehow, someone would wind up badly injured. Also, dear Randy Cross: You stink at calling out blitzes, please stop, also… WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLITZ! Gotcha! Old Randy falls for that one every time.

4. The Redskins – Jaguars game was an emotional roller coaster, to wit: I had twelve heart attacks, three seizures, four strokes, gout, jaundice and I farted a few times.

5. Apropos of nothing, Tony Kornheiser and Joe Theismann are going to end up fighting on the air at some point this season on Monday Night Football. An exchange from Monday Night’s “thriller” (Hang ’em up, Brett):

Kornheiser: (Commenting on the speed of a Favre pass relative to a Major League fastball) “Yeah but in baseball they have mitts.”
Theismann: “The football is bigger”
Kornheiser: “Yeah but the players don’t have mitts”
Theismann: “The football … is bigger”
Kornheiser: “Still hurts”

Ugh … weak jokes, plus an ex-jock undercutting jokes that he doesn’t get, does not equal great television. I don’t find Kornheiser to be all that funny in the first place, and Theismann is … well, kind of embarrassing to the Redskins faithful. Also, thanks for finally settling the ‘which ball is bigger’ debate Joe, and yes, typing that made me giggle. Mike Tirico is too bland to play an effective referee; all we can hope for from the three of them is an on-air disaster.

6. The Redskins won again this week, and Mark Brunell played well for the second consecutive game. The boo-birds have been replaced by the ‘yeah-but’ birds and, frankly, both species are annoying. Here’s to moving a step closer to extinction.

Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio