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Harlan Cohen: Single 20-something needs to start being vulnerable

By Harlan Cohen

Posted:
09/03/2013 12:01:00 AM CDT

Dear Harlan: I have had two boyfriends who could have led to marriage, but my gut told me neither was "the one." I often have doubts that this was the right decision as I come home alone each weekend from being out at bars. I am confident that the right one is out there, but where?

I moved to a new city after graduating college and have lived here for about two years. I have made new friends through work, I have joined a gym and I have tried to meet people at bars. I have tried two online dating sites. I have been on some pretty bad dates and some not-so-bad dates, but they lead to nothing.

I have tried taking time off, as well, and focusing on me and my career and my fitness because I've thought maybe it's me -- maybe I need to just focus on me. And I do, but it is very frustrating seeing my friends in relationships, getting engaged and getting married, and I am still single.

I want to find love again and have that companionship. What am I doing wrong? I know I'm really not that old (24), but I'm also not getting any younger. Can you tell me if I'm doing something wrong, and if I am, what is it? My friends just say that "it will happen when you least expect it" or "we're so young, don't worry," but I know this isn't true.

-- Getting Older

Dear Getting Older: When I was 24 and single, a letter like this would have driven me wild. I was that guy waiting to meet you. I was at the same bar not sure how to approach someone as hot, smart and interesting as you.

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I would have done anything to meet you. And that's what you're doing wrong. Stop wasting time losing hope. It won't help.

Want to change this? Step up being vulnerable. Put yourself out there in new ways with a new attitude. Being vulnerable means making it easier for men to know you're interested. It's putting together a list of the guys from your past who made your heart race and reaching out to them via Facebook. It's sitting next to the cutest guy at a coffee shop and starting a conversation. It's making new friends while working out, hanging out with them, going to new places with them and meeting new men through them. It's going on an outdoor adventure trip for single people every year with new single friends. It's joining an organization for young professionals, taking on a leadership role, planning an event and asking the guy who makes your heart race at the event to grab a bite or grab a drink. It's getting fixed up, trying a new online site every three months, talking to men who cross your path, Tweeting professionals, changing your route to work, going new places and giving men a chance to know you.

I know it's natural to stop and reflect, but stop, and step it up. If you slip back into this old thinking in the future, lean on healthy friends, functional family members and hire a therapist. Maybe you're not telling me all the stuff that makes you too afraid to be vulnerable.