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Like Lysistrata, If it Were Acted Out at The Gap

I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes, because my opinions don't always follow any real sense of logic. I'm not naive enough to believe that the trashy reality shows I enjoy watching on VH1 like Rock of Love or I Love New York don't have staged bits or people who are playing "parts" for the camera -- but I tend to believe that the majority of those shows are basically real, or at least the reactions to things that are going on.

But I've always always believed that MTV shows are fake.

From Parental Control to that first time The Real World was on when I was in high school -- the people they used were always too pretty, and the dramas that developed were always too cut and dry for me to whole-heartedly buy into.

In the real world, someone who feels like that (whether they're right or not) should carry that same belief everywhere -- meaning that I shouldn't believe in VH1 reality shows either, but for whatever reason I draw a line between them. Basically I guess I believe has-been stars such as Flava Flav, Danny Bonaduce, and Hulk Hogan are basically too dumb or too drunk at any given moment to keep a secret -- so even if there are fake bits happening on their respective shows, I've come to believe that the key players involved think it's all real.

Which is why it shouldn't really have been so disappointing when the new reality show Tila Tequila's Shot at Love felt utterly, utterly scripted. I don't know what it is about TV , but there's no hiding it when people are trying really hard to look like they are having fun -- and once you trip into the fact that supposedly "real" people you tuned in to watch aren't real at all (even when you were totally expecting them to be) it's hard not to feel a little annoyed.

Unfortunately, this is exactly the way I felt watching Tila's new reality show. Honestly -- It was like an episode of "next" featuring 20 people at once wooing a girl I (and nearly everyone else has) seen prancing around on MySpace.

Everything *everyone* said on the show felt like it was being read off a cue card.

That being said, the show is totally worth it.

Why?

Because the 16 straight girls they got to play the part of the "lesbians" were totally hot. They included 2 sorta butch looking girls (for balance, perhaps?) and then promptly kicked one of them off.

But the whole thing about the show that's hilarious is that even if Tila claims she likes both boys and girls, the show itself ends up being a resounding endorsement for the lesbian lifestyle. The dudes on the show instantly turn into monkeys once they're introduced -- are constantly grabby and annoying, get in fights with each other, and all act like complete douchebags.

At the same time, they all look good with their shirts off -- and after all,isn't that always the real point of an MTV show, regardless of the title?

Then these 16 smokin' hot Maxim bimbos come in and everyone watching is like -- "That's a lesbian? Oh man -- that's for me, where do I sign up?"

Not that there's no such thing as a hot lesbian, or that even that a group of lipstick lesbians in LA wouldn't do a reality show like this and exploit themselves, but that these girls are so utterly unconvincing that it's almost funny every time they even say the *word* lesbian. It's like they were describing a car they drive.

"I love being a lesbian. The mileage is great, and there's plenty of legroom. Mine even comes with a GPS navigation system!"

Honestly -- these are the kind of girls that guys wish for lesbians to look like.

Then, in a true show of womynist pride, they did a segment where the liberated women all come out in sexy Halloween outfits and say awful pickup lines related to their outfits. Not that they weren't hot -- but that after 15 minutes of complaining that guys are always too macho and competitive and it's annoying how they're all so testosterone-driven and that's what makes girls so much cooler to date -- there's a fashion show where Tila and the rest of us get to channel the goddess Sappho while we all shout, "Hooray, Boobies!"

It's like someone saw the movie Bound (which totally, totally rocks), made 5 copies ofit, and then played them all at once on a wall of TVs, and called it ground-breaking TV.

At the same time if Tila said the phrase "No one knows I'm bisexual!" any less than a billion times during the episode I would be floored -- emphasizing the word as if it were something no one had ever heard of before.

But by far the funniest thing was when all the hired actors and musicians they got to be "contestants" acted totally SHOCKED to find this fact out. Guys were actually pretending to be visually grossed out when the girl in the bikini stood in front of the other hotties in bikinis and said "Surprise -- I like girls and boys!"

Which, as everyone knows -- the only real response is to say"Thank you, God." or "Santa got my letter!!"

In the end, the whole thing looks fake (if you need any real proof that the thing is staged -- Marcus from the Janice Dickinson reality show is one of the male contestants), but I'm all for watching really hot chicks making out and mud wrestling on television. Which is good, because despite her noteriety -- Tila Tequila looks really funny when she talks. Her head seems strangely out of proportion with the rest of her body. She's one of those girls who looks better in photos. She's also about 2 feet tall. It's like a romantic version of one of those Leprechaun Horror movies without all the Irish accents.

However, the fake drama promises to be supremely trashy -- and besides, what else am I gonna watch on a Tuesday?

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