A lifetime as friends, and then love

1of2On June 25, 2017, Phillis Bates and Ralph Simon, then both 86, married in front of over 130 guests including family and residents of Moldaw Senior Residences in Palo Alto.Photo: Samuel K. Lee/Moldaw Residences

For decades, Phillis Bates knew Ralph Simon as her husband’s closest friend. Charles, Phillis’ husband, was the marketing vice president of Quality Technology Corp. in Palo Alto when in 1990 Ralph came to work there as president and CEO. Phillis first met Ralph then, while temporarily filling in as secretary for Charles until a hire was found. Shortly thereafter, the couples’ friendship began to grow when Ralph and his wife, Elena, invited the Bateses to a Giants game.

In 1992, Charles was assigned to Malaysia, where he and Phillis lived for 18 months. Ralph also worked out of the company’s Kuala Lumpur facility a few weeks each month, and his wife would sometimes accompany him. The couples enjoyed spending time together there and Ralph and Charles found they shared many interests.

After retirement, the Bateses, who were avid backpackers and fishing partners, sold their home in Half Moon Bay and moved to Douglas City, in the Trinity Alps area of Trinity County. Charles fulfilled his dream to be a full-time gardener and part-time fisherman. Phillis, between canning and freezing the output of their productive garden, volunteered at the animal shelter and as treasurer for the Douglas City Fire Department.

Ralph and Charles kept their friendship current through daily emails. The Simons made an annual July Fourth visit to the Bates home; the Bateses made it to the Simons’ Cupertino home annually as well.

In 2002, when Charles began to show signs of Alzheimer’s disease, Ralph and Elena came to visit. It was then revealed that Elena, too, was showing symptoms of the disease. As Charles’ health became more challenging, Phillis and Ralph began their own email relationship. For Phillis, it was reassuring and helpful to be in contact with her husband’s best friend. In 2014, Ralph offered great support in transitioning Charles to a care home. By that time, Charles was unable to recognize her as his wife or function without full-time help.

“Ralph helped me through the blackest days of my life,” said Phillis. “At that point I had no idea that this man who was my husband’s closest friend would become mine.”

For Ralph, too, 2014 was a difficult year. His wife died, and less than a year later, so did Charles. By that time, Ralph and Phillis were in constant contact. One day when Phillis was facing a slew of infrastructure challenges on her 5-acre mountain property — the electric gate to her driveway was broken, the irrigation system was giving her trouble — she told Ralph she felt entirely overwhelmed. Soon help was on the way.

“That day, the moment he walked up my driveway, I knew that I loved him,” she said.

Phillis and Ralph spent a year getting to know each other and adjusting to the changes that losing a longtime spouse entails. It was decided then that Phillis would leave her mountain property and make her new home with Ralph at Moldaw Residences for seniors in Palo Alto. She had been welcomed there by the other residents, and Ralph allowed her to alter aspects of his “man cave” to reflect their mutual interests. Many of the other residents thought they were a longtime couple; privately, they joked that they were “living in sin.” Their families were supportive, but Phillis noted that the new living arrangement was not without challenges.

“After all, he was trained 62 years by another woman,” she said, laughing. She had to adjust her normally early bedtime to Ralph’s 11 p.m. turn-in time, and Ralph to Phillis’ TV shows. The couple have been busy traveling, reading and sharing their new life. “We are making memories together,” said Phillis. “We both had different ways of doing things, and decades with a different spouse, so we’re learning to compromise,” she said.

On June 25, 2017, Phillis and Ralph, then both 86, married in front of over 130 guests, including family and residents of their senior living center. As each guest entered they placed a flower in a vase next to the wedding altar symbolizing “the wonderful beauty and love of the new family,” said Phillis.

The wedding was officiated by Phillis’ son, David. Knowing them both well, David had written vows for them. Phillis was asked to promise to be “honest, kind and forgiving” while Ralph was asked to promise to “communicate fully and fearlessly.”

“I had no idea I would love him as much as I do,” said Phillis. “Charles confided in Ralph, so he knew so much about me. He’d been hearing about me for a very long time.”

“Now I know and love the man Charles called his ‘buddy’ when he could remember no one else,” she said, adding that she is sure Charles would be happy to see that his two best friends are now best friends and partners in life.

“We might not have 50 years together, but we are both looking forward to the time we do have,” said Ralph.

Louise Rafkin is an East Bay freelance writer. Email Bay Area love story suggestions to style@sfchronicle.com