Aug 31, 2006

I discovered last week why it’s a bad idea to actually finish the laundry. Not only does it make picking an outfit too hard to decide but there isn’t enough room in anyone’s dresser to hold ALL of our clothes. Our closets depend on a steady 1 to 5 ratio of dirty and clean rotation. Disrupt that balance and you’ll find me trying to stuff one more pair of jeans into the bottom drawer by jamming it in the way far back corner and simultaneously sliding the drawer closed creating a sort of snakes in a peanut can effect when the drawer is opened again or inadvertently permanently wedging the garment into the drawer mechanism perhaps preventing the drawer from ever being opened again. Bad, bad, bad, it’s just better to let the laundry pile for a few days.

Aug 30, 2006

A Johari window is a metaphorical tool intended to help people better understand their interpersonal communication and relationships.Plus it's a fun way to get the people that read your blog and even some that don't to comment on your personality. So without further ado let the judging begin! No really it'll be fun. Just click on THIS and give an honest opinion, then make one for yourself and I'll return the favor.

Aug 29, 2006

4:23pm Pee on the floor4:28pm Hosed her off and changed her pants7:35pm Pee on the floor7:38pm Hosed her off and changed her pants7:45pm Ella asked for a diaper7:48pm Diaper firmly on the booty7:49pm Profuse heavy sighing

We pulled up in Mrs. Smith’s driveway early yesterday morning while the rain was still light.I pulled Ella and three dresses out of the van and marched up to her back porch door and let Ella knock.“Come on in!” we heard yelled through the kitchen.Ella immediately grabbed my leg like she does when sirens go by; poor kid is just not accustomed to shouting.We entered the spotless house and found our way to Mrs. Smith’s office.She was sorting out music on her computer and listening to Elvis, old fat Elvis.Ella’s eyes were wide.

“Well, how are you Ella?”Mrs. Smith leaned down and pinched her chin while I unwrapped dresses and laid them out for examination.Ella tried to be invisible.“Say Hi to Mrs. Smith, Ella” I prodded she peeped out from behind my leg and offered “hi”.Mrs. Smith smiled and asked to see Ella’s dress on.Ella tugged her tiny shirt off and pulled the dress over her head.Mrs. Smith ordered Ella to “Put your arms out sweetie and keep them there like you’re an airplane” Ella did so while we chatted about all the preparations for Mr. Smith’s approaching retirement party.

I waited for Mrs. Smith to put pins inthe dress but shenever did, she just said "about a fingernails worth on each side and I’ll hand stitch is so you don’t loose any of the fluff".Had it been anyone else not pinning I would’ve been concerned but I was not about to challenge Mrs. Smith, she has been making dresses longer than I’d been alive.I dressed Ella and put her book and some fruit snacks on the floor while I pulled on my dress.We talked all about the trip and how I had wished to have Ella potty trained before we left but now there was only three weeks to go and Mrs. Smith interrupted with “Well, just do it! She’s ready, she can talk and walk and get her clothes on and off!It only took me two days to train Stacy” and Mrs. Smith told me all about putting her daughter (now about my age) in underwear the first time.She made it sound so very easy.

As I was pulling the second dress on to be measured up by Mrs. Smith she leaned down and told Ella “You don’t need diapers anymore, you can go in the potty now, right?”Ella tried to blend in with the curtains behind her.When we had finished up the sizing on the second dress Mrs. Smith invited Ella into her grandkids playroom and told her to pick out a few videos as her grandchildren were far beyond wanting to watch Winnie the Pooh and Barney.Ella picked a few out and Mrs. Smith loaded my diaper bag up with another eight as well as a computer game for toddlers.I asked her if she would take a check for the dresses hoping to bring up the subject of fees, always a hard topic to discuss among friends.She waved her hand and said “Wait until I’m finished sweetie.”We thanked her and left.

Today is Ella’s second day in underwear without accident. She boasts "Mrs. Smith said I could wear underwear." Tomorrow I will write a thank you note and when the dresses are done I will pay her whatever fees she asks.

Aug 28, 2006

Accessories are big this summer. Have a look at what’s hot in accessories for toddlers.

Hippie bead bracelet with boho shirt

Basket hat, beaded necklacePlastic clip on earrings, bracelets, thumb-ring and necklace won at the county fair

and of course hodge-podge from the dress up box is always in, it's a classic look. However, just one new piece can change it up from classic to gangster. Ella is wearing a green silk scarf around her head which gives the look an unexpected fresh, funky and street twist.

Aug 25, 2006

I had derby practice tonight. I skated, did drills and learned a few things I’m sure my Grandmother would think was positively dangerous. There is a thing called a "whip" in which you literally fling your team member as hard as you can past you. The flingee goes rocketing towards the wall or other girl or just out into skating coach orbit while the flinger regains their speed or in my case picks themselves up off the floor. It’s freaking awesome to get hurled especially if everyone is right on mark. It’s like being the ball coming off the spring out onto the deck of the pinball machine. At first you aren’t even steering you are just aiming and then you are going faster than you could ever go on your own. I even found myself uncontrollably yelling “Wew!” upon getting flung across the floor.

Let me point out, during these extreme moments one just doesn’t have time to make a conscious decision about what to scream or holler it just pops out. Like pez, you just get what you get. Apparently, what I say during extreme excitement is “Wew!” Not very menacing is it? In fact it's kinda dorky, I wish it were something cooler like “Yee Ha!” or “Booyah!” or maybe even “How ya like me now Beeeyatch!” heck even “Wooo – Hooo” would’ve sounded cooler, but a little high-pitched “Wew!” is what came out. Trying to control your delight filled noises is no easier than trying to govern falling on your booty noises. My falling on my booty noise went “eeek.” I know, it kind fits right in with “Wew!” and even though I wish I could summons a Howard Dean scream or some crazy Spanish obscenity on the way down - it’s just not in me. Perhaps I could practice.

Aug 24, 2006

Our trip to Las Vegas is less than a month away. I finally found a dress for Ella but it too needs to be taken in so we are calling the seamstress today to make an appointment for both of us to have our discount dresses fitted. I dropped my wedding ring off at the jeweler yesterday to be stretched a half a size. It seems when my hips came apart to birth Ella every other joint in my body grew a smidge too and it seemed important that I be able t get my wedding ring back on when we are renewing our vows.

***Henry Hachmeister died this week at age 72. He was an icon in our little town and a friend and neighbor to us. Illinois House Bill HR0727 Sponsored by Representative Jim Sacia (R.) was adopted on November 5th 2005 honoring Henry L. Hachmeister for living a life of service and high distinction. He was a village board member, a school board member, a precinct committeeman, member of the county zoning board of appeals, was active in boy scouts, little league, junior tackle football, and the Congregational church. He was an honored Democrat and a member of the State Auctioneer’s Hall of Fame. His wife preceded him. He leaves six kids and six grandchildren. He will be missed.

***There was once a time when we were crazy with buying wedding presents and tying tuxedo ties. That time has passed in favor for baby showers. I’m throwing a baby shower on Sunday and I’m cleaning house like mad. Vacuuming and dusting on Friday, making a cake and food on Saturday, laying out the good silver on Sunday in honor of baby #20. Yes, in the last three years our friends and family have brought forth 20 babies. Just think the next phase will be graduation parties. Can you imagine 20 graduations in 3 years? That’s a lot of dictionaries.

Aug 23, 2006

"Shannen Doherty, host of Oxygen’s new show Breaking Up , helps people through awkward break up situations like breaking up with a significant other, moving out on a roommate, and ending a flakey friendship. In each episode Doherty will go undercover to investigate the toxic relationship and if she decides a break up in is order she will instigate it."

Aug 22, 2006

I went shopping Sunday at JC Penny's in Rockford. I found this shirt almost sold out. There were only three left they'd been so popular.

Yes, it really says "I'm too sexy for my diaper" and just in case sexualizing your 0-3 month old daughter isn’t creepy enough for you they also offer "Does this diaper make me look fat?" for those who want to encourage an eating disorder as early as possible.

Aug 21, 2006

Aug 19, 2006

In response to the challenge put forth by Her Bad Mother***When I first learned of your touch you were a rumbling in my belly. You could’ve been indigestion.

When I birthed you your father helped me breathe as I forgot how from the pain and when you came I yelled out and I don’t remember anything else.

When you came home with me you nursed and I cried. I was sure my breast would crackle into a million painful pieces. I cursed when you cried with hunger.

When you slept you needed to hear my heart. I piled pillows around us and wore you in a sling, I never put you down and I didn’t sleep for months.

Yet

Your breath smells like cream cheese frosting. I drink it in with deep long breaths finally understanding why there is a flower called baby’s breath.

Your skin is flawless, each pore spaced so perfectly like a fine lattice, each little blond hair pointing the same direction, each crease and wrinkle brand new. I marvel at its softness and hold it against mine whenever I can.

Your laugh sounds like a twinkle, it’s unfettered and true and in it I find all the hope in the universe. Daily I ask you for that laughter with the tips of my fingers against your ribs.

Your little belly rises and falls with sleep against me at night. I know you are safe and it’s the best sleep I will ever have.

Yet

How long you will let me get the dirt off your face with my spit?

How long you will need to bury your little hands into my armpits for comfort?

How long you will allow me wrap my arms around you when you’re hurt?When you’re 9 and you fall off your bike?When you’re 25 and your heart is broken?When you’re 44 and your patience is thin?When you’re 68 and you’re sick?

When will you be too old to lay your head in my lap? Tell me when so I may grasp the last cuddle with my whole memory.

Aug 18, 2006

You can just never know how often you use a butt muscle until you pull a butt muscle. Seriously did you know you use all kinds of muscles in the bootockle area while brushing your teeth? If you relax and don’t use those muscles while brushing your teeth your hind end does a sort of cha-cha-coochie-coo dance that two year olds find insanely funny. I bet you can guess how I know all this. Yeah, I hurt my butt skating. Not falling or anything strenuous, just skating in general. I’d like to think that the rink owner waxed the floor to be extra slippery and when I hit the curve down by the snack bar my wheels slipped a little and that was when I pulled something (and the waxing has been totally confirmed by one of the best skaters on our team - so there) but alas I think I just haven’t been working out those booty muscles while I sit in front of this screen. Last week I just got lucky when the booty muscles had a fun time acting all crazy like we were 15 again but this week when they realized we were going back those muscles screamed at me “What do you mean we’re going to do this twice a week? We didn’t vote for that. We are going on strike.” And then the booty muscles froze up into one big knotty cramp in protest. There’s no reasoning with them even after much stretching and it’s not exactly the easiest thing to ask someone for a serious butt rub so I’m just hoping they will feel a little better on Saturday. In the mean time I'll be doing the cha-cha-coochie-coo dance while brushing my teeth and we won't even talk about how I'm sitting today.

Aug 17, 2006

I'm looking forward to practice tonight. Surprisingly enough I wasn't very sore after last week, I kept waiting for the pain in my thighs to set in but it never happened. Two things I need to ask of you all - I am looking for a pair of old skates that I can use outside. I'm a size 8 1/2 if you have a pair you don't use anymore - can I? Second, the Rage will be on the Stone and Double-T show (104.9FM) this afternoon from 4 to 5pm so tune in and listen up.

Aug 16, 2006

So what's new today? My brother and my dad and his crew are on my roof putting new shingles on. The county fair is in town. We're going to see a movie tonight. Ella refered to her bedroom as her "big fluffy room" this morning. We are sending a huge check to Las Vegas today to pay the rent on a mansion for the weekend we'll be there. Wait a mansion has to have 24 rooms or more, I guess that just makes this 1/2 a mansion, but it is big and fluffy as Ella would say.

Aug 15, 2006

Why do people routinely expect results from other people that we know are unlikely? What do I mean? I mean the other woman who gets the guy to leave his wife and then 5 years into the relationship is surprised when he cheats on her. I mean the parent who brings their hyper active child to a restaurant with linen table clothes and screams at them to sit still through dinner. I mean expecting your good friend who can talk you into getting way too drunk and taking photos of your own cleavage to talk you out of mooning the crabby old lady across the street. You are just asking for it if you ask an alligator to suddenly start acting like a bunny, and especially if that alligator likes being an alligator. I guess one can believe in miracles but by no means should they expect them on any kind of regular basis. We should perhaps all start to expect what is probable and we will be less stressed about every day life. For instance:

1. That slow little old lady you had to walk behind through the store isn’t going to zip around in her giant car either – don't honk, just relax and find a station to listen to while she finds her way out of the parking lot.2. If he/she's driving a giant SUV while on the phone/shaving/talking to their passenger expect to be cut off in traffic3. Two year olds make messes and have tantrums – don’t give them jelly toast on the couch and never show them a fabulous toy they can’t touch – it’s just mean to both of you.4. The first person you speak with at the help line can’t ever really help you, they rarely have any authority beyond cancelling what ever service you are trying to fix, just ask for their supervisor. (Unless you are calling Tatertot's office - she can always help you)5. Rotten men/women cannot be miraculously healed by your immense love, inner beauty and or charm and wit – run away.6. Women/men who like to complain will often seek out situations that provoke them to do so - don’t let them pick the restaurant.7. Giant discounts stores are filled with people who don’t understand courtesy or grammar much less reasonable discipline for their children – prepare to be stepped I front of, yelled near and un-helped before entering8. The cashier at the skeezy gas station isn’t the fastest horse in the pack if he/she were they’d work elsewhere.9. If that very small child is hiding behind his/her mother face buried in her skirt it is because she is scared – don’t feel personally insulted when he/she won’t say “Hi” or give you a kiss.

Aug 14, 2006

Has anyone else stayed up into the wee hours of the night flipping through channels to land on the Fuse.tv show “Pants Off Dance Off”? Its website says

“-it’s been called the dumbest show on TV…Fuse fans can escape reality and the local news by ogling the first dance and strip game show on TV. This show features all walks of life--young and old, men and women, fat and thin-- shedding their clothes down to their skivvies while dancing to popular music videos for the chance to win bragging rights and some hard earned cash.”

It is mindless but it’s also the perfect thing to watch when you are trying to fall asleep. Your brain doesn’t engage at all while you stare at people of all ages, sizes, shapes, and colors participate in the dance off with their pants off. It’s the most diverse show I’ve ever seen on TV. I guess that makes me an EOE ogler and dare I say it’s entertaining. You do have to be in a certain mood to tolerate it - but that's why it's on late at night - they know their audience and they're aren't claiming to be the nightly news while simultaneously running stories about Paris Hilton so you have to respect that. In short, if you are at all looking forward to the movie “Snakes on a Plane” then do yourself a favor and locate “Pants Off Dance Off” on your television.

Aug 12, 2006

Policeman in rape case pleads not guilty"...Prosecutors say police found Pelo lurking outside the woman's Bloomington home after she reported a late-night break-in attempt on June 10. Pelo told the officer he was out looking for a home for his mother-in-law..."Judge: No bond reduction for Pelo"...three of the four women who were raped have identified Pelo as their attacker from a photo lineup, Messman said. Two have picked out his voice as that of the attacker, Messman said...." Police sergeant charged in rapes to remain on Bloomington payroll"...City Attorney Todd Greenburg said the city opted to continue paying Sgt. Jeff Pelo's $81,000 annual salary to spare his alleged victims from testifying in a disciplinary hearing as well as criminal proceedings against the 17-year department veteran..."

Aug 11, 2006

When I was in junior high I went skating every Friday night with my best friend Bobbie Jo. Afterwards we would stand around in the alley and smoke cigarettes. I saved my allowance for months to buy a pair of speed skates with pink wheels and when I finally got them, I oiled them every Friday afternoon so they were shiny for Friday night. Bobbie’s mom or my mom would drop us off at the rink and we would get a locker, put our skates on, reapply our lip-gloss, scope out who was already there and then proceed to skate for the next four hours to “Rapper’s Delight” or some such music. Sometimes we’d form up into a big pack of kids dancing on our skates doing something we called the “swivel hip” and sometimes the DJ would come on out and do something called “rubber leg” that always mystified me but looked extra cool. (Ok, insert Edith Bunker howling “Those were the dayaays!” here.)

Yesterday, our local paper ran this story. It moved me. In fact, I was so moved I dug out my speed skates, dusted them off and went. That’s right you can now introduce me as Bombadee, stay at home mom, blogger and roller derby girl.

I went by myself. I had no idea what to expect. Would the whole place be revamped just for roller derby? Would I get my butt kicked the first night like when a gang jumps the new girl in and then goes to knock back a few beers laughing and talking “I wonder if that new girl will come back after I put gum in her hair HAR HAR HARDY HAR!”. Would I be like super star the first night coming out of retirement and everyone would gasp and say “Holy crap where have you been? We need you on our team immediately!” Would there be an actual bout? Would we we run drills, would we just skate all night? I got that same old tingly feeling in my stomach when I pulled up and it was still only $3.00 to get in $5.00 if you needed skates and I didn’t. Everything was almost exactly the same even “Rapper’s Delight” and the pack of cool kids doing a swivel hip around the rink, I almost choked there was so much déjà vu. Well, there were a few differences; the DJ runs things from a PC instead of a turntable now and there were 30 grown women dressed in black sweating their behinds off out there warming up, but otherwise I felt like I'd stepped into a time machine.I of course was nervous and babbled to anyone that would listen and was happy to find a lot of other new ladies to talk to. It turns out the established ladies were super nice and super inclusive too. I even kinda know one of the ladies already (Hi Lois Slain). We skated and skated and ran drills in the middle, practiced stopping and practiced grouping up and all sorts of other things that will makes sense to me soon but in the mean time will cause my thighs to feel like Jello tomorrow. We were asked to think about what our Derby Name will be and I just wrote it in without thought - I’ll be Bombadee. I can’t wait to go back next Thursday.

Aug 10, 2006

I have always been the person who has a camera with them, even before digital. I asked for a camera on my 10th birthday and received it and then promptly used up all the film at my own birthday party. My Grandfather gave me a beautiful 35mm Nikon when I graduated high school, that I still own. I took it to FL and shot eight rolls of film while on a 6 day boat trip in the gulf coast. They were some of the best photos I’ve ever taken. I still have in my possession every camera I’ve ever owned. I know how to develop real film in a dark room. I know how to poke a hole in a shoe box and take photos with it.

An odd thing happened to my camera at the end of July. While uploading a batch of photos to my computer a mysterious new folder appeared on my camera and it contained the batch of photos I just finished shooting shot. Later I couldn’t find them on my computer. I spent an exasperating 10 minutes looking for where I saved them before I found them. Why? I’ve taken so many photos I ran out of digits. That means since I bought this camera in November 2004, I have taken over 10,000 photos. That’s roughly 15 pictures per day, every day, 105 pictures a week. Dan has always joked that I watch the world through my lens but today, I admit I think I have a serious problem. Does that mean I’m going to stop? Heck no! It means I’ve justified saving up for a better camera.

Aug 9, 2006

Aug 8, 2006

8 is not only my favorite number, on it's side it also represents infinity. This is how I reconcile the scientific me with the theological me, the mathematical me and the me that believes in fairies. Here’s how I see it, given and infinite amount of space and in infinite amount of time anything becomes possible. Just anything you can think of can happen, in an infinite universe miracles happen.

Aug 7, 2006

I know it’s a cliché to say having kids is amazing because you see everything through their eyes, but it's true. It's great to hear Ella talk about the world, I cherish those conversations. Sometimes Ella will tell you everything she knows about a subject all at once. For instance, our dog:

“That’s my friend Wednesday. She’s a dog. She’s black. She likes to lick me in the head. She just wants a pat on her head. She’s naked. Dogs don’t wear pants, just fur and a necklace.”

And I think to myself “Wow, that’s true. I have a little naked animal wearing jewelry running around my house licking my daughter in the head and waiting to be petted, how odd.”

Sometimes, it’s not so funny, like when we are at the grocery store and she loudly points out the body parts that define the gender of each shopper walking past. Sometimes it’s sad, like a whisper in my ear “His Mommy is mean” or a panicked cry at the shoe store “I thought I lost you and it hurt my feelings”

It is always devastatingly dramatic to hear the world described so plainly and honestly. It’s rare to hear such rawness from anyone and that’s what makes me hang on to the words. I know they are Truth and in a few years these phrases will be tainted with life.

Ms. A. and I went to high school together. After college she was in my wedding and by providence we both married men from the same small town and moved three blocks away from each other. We were pregnant together and the girls’ birthdays are just eight months apart. We were sure they would be the best of friends having many afternoon tea parties together. I always imagined having a night out would be a breeze because we would only hire one sitter for the girls. Well, the two are like oil and water. For months we have tried to make these girls play nice using all sorts of schemes and testing theories hatched by us, read on the internet, found in magazines and suggested by mutual friends. I was panicking because we are all taking a vacation together in September with the girls and I can’t imagine four days of times outs and tears being any fun. At last, the clouds parted and heaven shown down on us today at little Miss A’s second birthday party. Ella and Little Miss A. had a super nice time eating cake and playing next to each other, there was even a kiss and a hug before our departure. Happy 2nd Birthday Little Miss A! Here’s to a wonderful next year!

Aug 5, 2006

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.2. Always toast before doing a shot.3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.4. Change your toast at least once a month.5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.37. Try one new drink each week.38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.45. It's okay to drink alone.46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

By Frank Rich To purchase a full-sized or mini-poster of the 86 Rules, click here.

The Bloggin’ Good Blogger DaysFiled under: Blogging — The Pajama Mama @ 9:47 am We’re so quick to point fingers, place blame and criticize the people in our lives. It’s easier to point out a fault than it is to praise a strength. It’s easier to mention something that needs to be done better than it is to acknowledge something that’s been done well.Therefore, I christen today (and the next few days) “Bloggin’ Good Blogger Days” in the blogging community. Your mission, shall you choose to accept it (and you will), is to go to as many blogs as you can and point out at least one good thing about the author of that blog. Do your best to give them a warm fuzzy feeling. Show your appreciation, admiration or plain old joy.

Tell them why something they did touched you, why a choice they made shows the true fabric of their moral being. Just go BE NICE to every blogger who’s blog you read today. And don’t be shy, either!!

Plus, post an entry similar to this one on YOUR blog and ask people to leave warm fuzzies in your comments. Spread the love, people!

Maybe if we take a week to engage in warm fuzzies, they will become a more permanent part of our daily lives, both on and off the computer.

In review:1. Leave me a warm fuzzy in my comments.2. Post a similar entry (or copy and paste this one, giving credit) on your own blog.3. Leave a warm fuzzy on every blog you visit today.4. Sit back, read your own warm fuzzies and feel, well, warm and fuzzy!

Aug 4, 2006

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending one of his company’s office parties. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. What happened last night?"

"Well," his son said, "you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Aug 3, 2006

I’ve grown some marigolds from seed in a pot next to my computer. I started them in May. When my Grandma DeCori was alive she always planted them around her house. She’d pick them after they bloomed and keep the seeds until next year to replant. That’s what I am planning to do with these. I water them every day and turn them so they grow evenly on all sides. They are by far taller than the ones whose seeds I threw in the dirt outside but those bloomed bigger. I’m kinda proud of these considering I usually kill plants. It even occurred to me to enter them in the county fair but I think I want a good look at what prize winning marigolds look like first. Besides, I don’t know if I could bear to leave them by themselves in a barn for throngs of snotty teenagers to roll their eyes at and drunk cowboys and creepy carnies to walk past without notice or worse yet they do notice and lean down to breath gross on them, I’m just not ready for that. They will just stay safe next to you my dear bloggies drinking in the carbon dioxide given off while I type and read. They are the marigolds I planted around my blog.

Aug 2, 2006

The heat is finally going to break today and when we got up this morning the thermostat only said 84°. It’s still pretty sticky but it’s going to rain later. My dear husband suggested we save up over the winter to get central air, but even after all this heat there was only two weeks that were unbearable and can you imagine spending $6,000.00 on something you will only use two weeks out of the year? At that rate I better see some elephants and the Tajmahal during those two weeks. Actually, I did a little googleing and I’d much rather save up for this next summer. We’d use it a lot more than an air conditioner.

Aug 1, 2006

It’s supposed to be 94° today (in the shade) with the heat index (how it feels with the 66% humidity) it will be 110°. You could not only cook an egg in this heat, you could poach it. We’ll be at the mall today in an effort to not poach our heads.