MOOG Synth and Production
This Super Bowl sunday, the Argus scored an exclusive interview with patriots coach and Wesleyan alum, Bill Belichick.So first off, our readers want to know what your Eclectic initiation was like.
It was wild. They somehow got our meal plans suspended so they could make us forage for food. It was a lot like freeganism, but with more squirrel meat. And every morning for a month, I was up at 7 a.m. refilling the basement kiddie pools with something they called “blood pudding.” It was eight parts Robitussin to three parts red Jell-o.Was it hard to balance your football career with all of these demands?
Oh, totally. Sometimes I’d be telling the team what the play was and then realize that I was just reciting some lyrics to a Smiths song we had all jammed to the night before. Or I’d be super tired after staying up all night to see if the pattern in a laser-lights screensaver ever changed.What “position” did you play as a member of the Eclectic Society?
Well, I was an economics major, so I was always great with the financial stuff. Like, accounting for inflation, which would cost more to buy that semester, acid or ’shrooms? That kind of stuff.So you were their nerd bitch.
What? No. I was a scholar-athlete. There’s a difference.Do you think your membership to Eclectic helped get you where you are today?
Definitely. When the guys come in for a game looking like death after a Saturday night of who-knows-what, I just get them some tacos and Adderall and they’re good as new. Also, I think what really put me over the edge when applying for coaching jobs was being able to incorporate my plaid flannel into so many different outfits.Last question. Do you have any regrets about your time at Wesleyan?
I wish I had killed Eli Manning when I had the chance.Sorry your team lost The Super Bowl!

Potato Correspondent
I am pleased to report
that my study abroad experience is, as of this writing, a success! Life outside of Wesleyan is
exciting, but boy is it different!
Adjusting to this new climate has been tough; my bone
density is decreasing rapidly and
I’ve been experiencing some nausea, although I suppose that’s to be expected with my new diet. The
food is so different here! My favorite meal is probably “Dried Apricots
X510,” although “Corned Beef
Sandwich ZZ5” is surprisingly good,
especially if you warm it up. They
also have American food like pizza,
but it’s usually served in cubes. Weird!

The locals here seem pretty
friendly; yesterday, one of them attached themselves to my face for
a couple of hours. Now my stomach feels strange! My immediate reaction was alarm, but I guess it’s
my fault for not learning enough
about the local customs beforehand!

My fellow students seem cool, except for my host brother, Hal. He keeps
being like, “Just what do you think
you’re doing, Dave?” And I’m like “I’m
going to take a nap.” And then he’s like,
“I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave,
my mind is going. I can feel it. I can
feel it. My mind is going.” TMI, Hal!

Eagle Commander
According to WesDems, the
University’s resident chapter of student
Democrats, former Middletown Mayor
Sebastian Giuliano is actively seeking to
construct a “ray-like device” that will allow him to control the weather.
“We didn’t believe it at first, but we
managed to get ahold of the blueprints,
and we can say without a doubt that the
project has moved beyond the conceptual stage,” said WesDem Harry Blossom
’14. He cited a collection of e-mails from
Giuliano the WesDems recently intercepted, which contain numerous references to
a “weather machine” that will attack this
year’s Spring Fling with massive artificial
blizzards. The WesDems have also tried to
draw attention to the large, weather-machine-like structure that has loomed over
the Middletown skyline since November.
“His recent loss of the position at
the Election Commission has, we believe, deepened his insatiable rage,” said
Blossom. “Wesleyan kids have thwarted
his plans again and again, like that one
time he tried to take control of the diamond mine by dressing as a yeti and scaring off all the miners.”

“This is just another typical case of fear-mongering by the Democrats,” said
Mytheos Holt ’10, former infamous campus Republican pundit, who spoke to the
Ampersand from the dumpster behind
Clark where he’s been living since graduation, occasionally leaping out to frighten
passing liberal freshmen. “They’re politicizing a process that should just be left
alo—A BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!” he
screamed at a passing group of students
discussing same-sex marriage.The administration has no response
to these claims. “Spring Fling is definitely
going to happen,” said President Roth.
“Do you want to be the one who tells the
seniors they can’t get mad crunk and pass
out on Foss this May? That’s a shitstorm
waiting to happen, man. Your funeral.”
“What’s worse, a shitstorm brought
on by angry seniors, or a literal storm of
shit created by a weather ray?” responded
Blossom.
When reached for comment, former
mayor Giuliano replied, “Gya ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” and then disappeared
in a puff of smoke.
SHITSTORM, page 3

By Frank Fineis
The Secret Weapon
As evidence of the strengthening economy, many formerly unemployed Wes grads are finding themselves in sweet new money positions.
Chet Grundle ’09 has a new job
at Dixar, a Pixar affiliate. Grundle
recalled his only meeting with the
CRC during his senior year: “They
asked me if I had any sweet family hookups, and I said, ‘Nah man,
I’m from Minneapolis.’ Then they
told me they had run out of jobs.”
He pursued his only option, an unpaid internship at a casino owned
by the local Minnesota Sioux.
But things are looking up for
Grundle these days. Upon viewing his viral video “Sh*t Gambling Addicts Say,” Dixar offered him an
unpaid internship writing screen-
plays for thrilling new sequels such
as The Pink Panther: Crossing the
Color Line, The Fast and the Furious
6 Hour Energy, and Baby Geniuses
3: Vin Diesel Is Mother Goose.

He is really positive about the
future: “Yeah I would think that
[Dixar] should start paying me soon
because living in my storage locker
is getting out of hand. But at the
moment, this isn’t a job, so I don’t
know why you’re interviewing me.” He has a point. But regardless,
America has the proverbial “Open”
sign on it and is clearly winning
the future — due in large part to
Chet Grundle’s plethora of amazing sequels lying on the horizon.
CRC WTF, page 1111111111112

By Daniel Witkin
Vermin Supreme
Campus has seen a spike in
viruses that, like Banquo’s ghost,
bring your sick secrets out of
your stomachs and into the light.
That’s right, you sick children
have been eating poop.
The Davison Health Center
would like to take some measure
of responsibility for the matter
at hand. "We thought you young
scholars could keep your hands
away from your butts. We were
wrong: there’s an outbreak of fecal-oral disease, and you all got it
by eating poop."

On onset of gastroenteritis may
be gradual or very sudden, some-
times waking students from sleep
with a bout of vomiting and nausea,
accompanied in some cases by head-
ache, dizziness, sense of temperature
disequilibrium, and fatigue, and in
all cases by a well-deserved sense of
shame potent enough to affect even
those of you unscathed by doing on
Saturdays what we know you do.
Although it really should go
without saying, please attempt to refrain from gobbling shit during
this time.

This is a preventable illness and
we’d like your help in limiting trans-
mission, although it’s going to be
quite difficult if you kids are going
to insist on eating poop. In the absence of such common
sense, Wesleyan’s Davison Health
Center has decided to shame those
afflicted by releasing in this article
a list of those whose bodies should
be avoided:FUCKING DISGUSTING, page 4