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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Longing and Confusion

Over time I have come to accept the fact that I am not very good at communication, and even worse dealing with emotions. Not to say that I am cold-hearted (contrary to popular belief). I am just ill equipped to deal with my own emotions. Never mind the whole slew of awkward that happens when others get emotional. I just don't know how to handle it, oh please don't cry because I will seriously fold in on myself in a total panic. With understanding and acceptance came a more appropriate approach when things like crying friends or raging family members happened.

I hide.

Yeah, I know it seems cowardly, and maybe even a bit insensitive, but it's how I survive.

Okay, so now that we have my emotional issues and commitment-phobia all out on the table, I will tell you why I just bored you to death. I am freaking out! I'm talking brain scrambled, which way is up, full blown anxiety, freaking out. After I separated from JW, I moved back home (there is a touch more to it than that, but another time). Like back in with my folks, and I hadn't lived there in years. I didn't really have other options, and I needed my family. My impending divorce had me boxing in the "I'm a failure" ring, and every time I got close to crawling out of it, I got knocked back down. I couldn't seem to break free of the depression that had me in a choke hold. So I moved home, with my wonderful parents, a place where I could be me and allow my heart to heal.

The plan was to be with my family, finish college, and get a life (they sell them at meijer you know, $1.99). Then I found out Cubby was on her way, and wow the panic-fest that was. I had never thought to be "Mom", I never thought I would be very good at it I guess. But here we are, 19 months later, and I have to say I'm not doing too shabby.

Exhibit A: Seriously look at that face! :-P

Life happened, and I slowly adjusted to a slightly more emotional (thanks a bunch preggo hormones) way of life. Becoming a parent was quite frankly a 24 hour anxiety attack. Oh I was a wreck! No sleep.....ever. For the first three months, no joke, all she wanted to do was BF, like all day. I may as well not even get up for the day. That evened out too, after a while. Now it is more of this, the every day wonder of having such a beautiful soul rely on you, and love you with every cell of their crazy self. And to feel that same way back, only so much more, because you created this little being, nurtured her, and have a whole lifetime to wake up to her beautiful face.

She has the"What??" look down pat

I have adjusted to life as "Mom", and found that I shine in this role like no other I have ever been in. I love it, it is truly the most amazing thing.

Now on to the freaking out. As much as I have adjusted, and accepted my new, slightly more comfortable with emotion self, I have found that it really only extends to my kid. I still feel like a squirrel that can't remember where I buried my nuts, totally flustered, when it comes to the outside world. Imagine my surprise when I began to have feelings of longing, not only for companionship, but someone who would want to be a father to La-La. One who is worthy of being a role model for her. I am at war with myself. After my less than ideal marriage, and then the fairly non-conventional (for me anyway) conception of the light of my life, I had sworn off men for eternity at least enough time to get my act together, and get my baby grown. Even telling myself these things though, and knowing that above all La-La comes first, before anyone, it didn't ease the ache in me to have closeness. I see my parents, I see my brother and his wife, I feel lonely. I want someone to laugh with, and share joys with. I am wholly and truly selfish though, I want to come first to someone, even though they can never be first to me. Isn't that terrible?! I feel like it is, but I can't seem to tamp it down. I should rephrase though, I want my daughter and to come first. These thoughts swirling around in my brain are well and truly driving me bonkers. I like safe, I like control, I like knowing what is coming tomorrow and where I stand with people. That isn't always possible when you hand people your heart, in my experience it is actually rarely how it goes. I fear the loss of control over my life, I think I may still have some wounds still to heal from my marriage. But I'm working on it, and La-La is an amazing soothing balm that lifts me up and fills my heart. Baby steps........I'll have it all figured out someday.

2 comments:

The squirrel/nut analogy...spot on!!! I feel ya. And don't feel bad for wanting to be loved. If you could shut that off, and if you could really say you were okay with being alone until cubby grows up, I'd be worried about you. Having been through the not so ideal relationships, prepare us for the really, really good ones that are on the horizon. And you want to be able to show your daughter how to be in a good relationship. I don't want to "seek" a realtionship out, and I gather you either. But I know, at the right time, it will come...cause Momma needs love too. Makes us better Moms. You're a good Mommy.

Fear is sometimes that guy that just never leaves the party, the one that just moves in and mooches all your food and stuff. I know, I've been there, still am a lot of the time. But identifying it is half the battle. You have come such a long way! Be proud and gentle with yourself. You too, are a survivor. Rejoice in that, and in the love of your daughter. She will help you heal - I know mine did. ANd you wouldn't be human if you didn't want love. It just means that there is just more to come of your story...

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