Wonket’s Super Happy Love Shine Fun Pal (Who Is Not At All A Deranged Assbag) Bradlee Dean Explains How Word Salad Will Save America From Tyranny

Wow, Your Wonkette is maybe in danger of becoming Bradlee Dean Fanservice Central, but let us just say, the man does keep giving, does he not? Let us not forget that, when he’s not having his lackeys send empty legal threats to innocent mommyblogs, Mr. Dean also has a very important job as a professional word-typer for WorldNutDaily, “the number-one news source in the world,” according to Dean’s very own promotional video. And as it happens, Bradlee Dean has a new WND column out right now, on the very important topic of “How To Shut Down a Tyrant”! That sounds pretty important, so let’s see what advice Mr. Dean has for ending the human rights abuses of Bashar al-Assad, or maybe Kim Jong Un. Ha-ha, that was a jest, you see, because the tyrant that really has Mr. Dean exercised is of course, “Tyrant Barack Hussein Obama.” Far be it from us to nitpick, but we would like to point out that “Tyrant” is neither Mr. Obama’s name nor his title. He’s the Kenyan Usurper. This is basic fact-checking, dude.

In any case, Dean is Very Worried, because our nation is beset by

great concern about how Tyrant Barack Hussein Obama has been out there attempting to win the hearts and minds of our young through his twisted and un-American ideologies.

Needless to say, Dean doesn’t bother with trivialities like what exactly those twisted and un-American ideologies are; if you don’t know by now, you just have not been paying attention. Dean then moves to the sophisticated rhetorical device known as argument by thesaurus:

Synonyms for a tyrant are oppressor, dictator, bully, despot, persecutor.

How fitting.

Don’t you just love how he lays out the evidence like that?

But even though Tyrant Obama has been extending his mind-control tentacles into the forebrains of our younglings, Bradlee Dean believes he has an answer! All that’s needed to resist “the indoctrination being imposed on the future generations of this great country” is a simple lesson:

The answer is all too simple: Show them the price of freedom.

It is $19. (Thanks, whoever that was!) And also the Constitution, which Bradlee Dean fears for, because of what he has seen when he preaches Christian sermons at public high schools (his shtick, remember, is to sell his show as an anti-bullying presentation, then show up and deliver a blast of unfiltered evangelism).

You see, he always asks the kids at these “constitutional lyceums” how well they know their Constitution. And here is the shocking reaction: “Many begin to laugh in sheer ignorance.” The nerve! But then he brings them up short with a real stumper:

I then ask them how many have grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, dads and moms – maybe even brothers and sisters – who have fought, bled, or died to ratify and magnify the Constitution they do not even know.

Dean says that about 85% raise their hands, but because we are strict constructionists when it comes to words meaning something, we would estimate that roughly zero percent of them actually have living family members who ratified the Constitution. A fair number have probably magnified it, however, especially if they only have one of those little pocket editions.

Once students are reminded that the military exists and that people have died in wars, an amazing transformation takes place:

After seeing the price of freedom, the entire room is immediately captivated with a new love and respect for America and the laws of our constitutional republic.

They will also no longer tolerate anyone — especially tyrants — who would attempt to desecrate those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

Dean closes his shorter-than-usual column — even for him, it has a remarkably low idea/word ratio — with a video that he promises will be “life changing.” We agree: if you watch it, like we did, you will have wasted 24 minutes of your life.

Because we love and respect you, Wonkers, we will summarize.

America is free because of D-Day, and because of the many important facts about D-Day that Bradlee Dean found on Wikipedia. And all the other battles in which US soldiers “bled the battlefield red with their blood.” He really loves that phrase. Mr. Dean seems to believe that Americans today are utterly unaware that we have been in wars where Americans bled the battlefield red with their blood, because if we knew that, “our posterity would be building instead of tearing down” and “our prison systems would be empty and crime would nowhere be tolerated.”

But is this the case? No, it is not. In fact, “one thing we see through the American media, for example, practically every day of the week, no mention of the price paid for our freedoms,” but politics is a game, ladies are kissing each other on the teevee and murder is the norm. If only we saw film of Omaha Beach more often, we would know that freedom is srs bsns.

Dean then gives us a list of American body counts to impress upon us how Americans bled the battlefield red with their blood in the two World Wars and the Korean and Vietnam conflicts, and all that bleeding sanctified and protected the Constitution, because freedom isn’t free, and “our veterans died magnifying the laws against tyranny.” It feels almost churlish to point out that, strictly speaking, “veterans” are, you know, the ones who didn’t die.

We would really like to sit down with Mr. Dean and ask him exactly which Constitutional principles were decided by World War I or Korea, because he doesn’t quite explain that part. Better yet, we’d like to see Mr. Dean sit down with a couple of Wonkette’s resident Vietnam vets, who might have some interesting perspectives for him on how that exercise in domino-stabilization served the cause of liberty.

For that matter, Dean makes no mention of the one war that actually did resolve a central question in the Constitution, presumably because many of his readers think the wrong side won.

Dean closes his meditation on the price of freedom with this mass of word salad, from around the 8-minute mark, transcribed here because it deserves to be pondered:

Are you holding men and women in government responsible for the freedoms these men and women died for? If not, then what did they die for? Them that serve We the People swear to uphold the same Constitution as them that serve in our military. If these men did not go to war on behalf of the American citizens and bleed the battlefields red with their blood, we would not have the freedoms and righteousness that we now have. Brave men and women take a stand, they go to battle to stop the evils that are let loose, and they bled and died to put an end to all the evils that they went out, of course, to fight against. The cost, again, was their blood, their life. It was the blood of these men that was the price to end the evils they stood against.

Accompanied by the soaring chords of “Fanfare For The Common Man” by the gay socialist Aaron Copland, the video then cuts to images of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights soaked in animated blood. Basically, the whole video is patriotism by guilt trip, with no hint that anyone but soldiers — and dead ones at that — ever did anything to make the Constitution actually work. Tyranny? Shut down!

Oh, and everything beyond the video’s ninth minute is about Jesus, because he’s totally in the Constitution, too.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).