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8 Scientific Principles of Your Dorm

By Bijan Samareh

The Sleep Deprivation Postulate
Definition: The need for sleep is directly improportionate to the likelihood of a good night's sleep.
Diagram: A line graph. X-axis = “How Badly You Need to Get Some Sleep Tonight,” Y-Axis = Probability of sound occurring. Different lines on the graph start low and reach 100% at the far right of the graph.
Lines:
- Roommate snoring.
- Party noises coming through your paper-thin walls.
- your other neighbor having sex.
- The dying whale calls per minute from your radiator, which looks like its been in your room since the forties.
The Sexile Fallacy
Definition: The extent to which you thought sexiling was a thing and was told by people it would be is disproportionately larger to the times you’ve actually had to sexile your room mate.
Diagram: A bar graph, in which the X-axis is “Reasons for Locking Your Roommate Out,” and the Y-axis is “Number of Times You Have Locked Out Your Roommate”
X: Sexiling, food poisoning, phone argument with parents about them not respecting your newfound independence, having to change but are too afraid of someone seeing your pale and/or overweight figure, “alone time” with your computer
Y: 0, 9, 9, 9, 9
The Awkward Neighbor Response Theory
Definition: There exists an inversely proportional relationship between the amount you contribute to the conversation with your awkward neighbor and the quality of the responses you receive.
Diagram: A polygraph chart, with the range of the squiggle constantly decreasing. Various points are highlighted along the way.
Point 1: How’s your job with the chemistry department?
Point 2 (reflected from point 1): Good.
Point 3: Do you get to make cool experiments?
Point 4: (etc.) Yeah.
Point 5: Do you purposefully answer all of my questions with vague, one-word answers?
Point 6: (etc.) Yeah.
The Displacement Law of RA Avoidance
Definition: Any and all attempts by your RA to engage with you will be immediately displaced by your avoidance of such interactions.
Example:
A diagram of your RA moving towards you, as indicated by an arrow pointing in your direction, while you move away, as indicated by an arrow pointing from you to out of the window.
The Dorm-Room Poster Limit Formula
Definition: There exists a limit to the amount of certain posters one can put up, after which one loses all personality and/or interesting qualities about oneself.
Diagram: Two pictures:
1) A kid standing in his room with a Bob Marley poster on the wall and a green check above his forehead.
2) A kid standing in his room with a Bob Marley, Animal House, Notorious B.I.G., Audrey Hepburn, and Kramer poster, with a giant red X above his forehead.
The Marijuana Smoke Uncertainty Principle
Definition: One can never know, with perfect certainty, how much one’s room smells of weed after smoking.
Diagram: Two guys sitting in their room, with the gas above them represented as molecules, like in a science textbook. Within each molecule is a question mark.
The Entropy Theorem of Room Messiness
Definition: The messiness of your room is an ever increasing function dependent on your progress in the school year.
Diagram:
An exponentially increasing graph, with 5 points all the way up to the top.
1st Dot: Where did I put my stapler?
2nd Dot: Where did I put my textbook?
3rd Dot: Where did I put my computer?
4th Dot: Where did I put my bed?
5th: I can’t see the floor.
The Dorm-Snack Combustion Paradigm
Definition: For any collection of foods you can find in your dorm, the more you mix together the higher chance you have of creating something edible.
Diagram: A reactant-product equation, in which the food looks like compounds. So:
Cheetos2Bread 7 + Hotsauce 7Tuna 12 ------------> Delicious + Snack