9:00 pm: Madonna takes the stage. She’s apparently introducing the Michael Jackson tribute, which will also be the opening of the VMA’s. She talks about her first date with Michael in 1991 and about how their lives are parallel, both being from the Midwest and from giant families. Pete Wentz looks like he is going to cry, why does this make me want to punch him? Madonna ends her intro by saying, “Long live the King!” And then the original MTV intro played in the ’80s for Thriller starts playing on the screen. Backup dancers move along with Michael as he dances through some of his most iconic music videos including: Thriller, Bad & Smooth Criminal. Janet then takes the stage where she performs a duo with her late brother singing their song Scream. When it’s over Janet seems relieved and sad.

9:21 pm: The MTV MVA’s are announced. A shot of NYC pans the screen and then the lights on the stage begin flashing, Katy Perry starts singing Queen’s rock anthem, We Will Rock You alongside Aerosmith guitarist, Joe Perry, and no they are not related! I’m lovin’ her skin tight Vegas ensemble and sparkly eye makeup. Behind her Russel Brand shows up wearing an outfit that might be tighter than Katy’s. I am not sure what it is, but I do not like him and I never have. However, I am diggin’ the top hat that he’s wearing.

9:23 pm: The song is over, Katy & Joe leave the stage and Russel starts his introduction of the show. He is going to try and be funny and it is going to hurt when he isn’t. He tells us tonight is not only an award show but a tribute to the King Of Pop. He is unfunny. I contemplate having a glass of wine.

9:30 pm: Russel Brand talks a lot. I am about to start muting the television when I see he is about to speak. Shakira & Taylor Lautner take the stage to give out the award for Best Female Video, saying this award has gone out to the greats, women that are “strong, talented & a little dangerous.” Speaking of fierce, Shakira’s boots are sexy. Shakira and Taylor have a good chemistry, too bad he is young enough to be her son. The winner is Taylor Swift. She looks so cute in her dress and so shocked to have won. Taylor is adorable. She thanks everyone, as she is a country music singer and she just killed it, stealing the award from huge female pop artists. Uh, what the heck is going on. Kanye West just jumped on stage and took the mic and exclaimed that Beyonce had one of the best videos around. He basically stole Taylor’s moment. I am not sure if he is insane or not. I bet he is going to use his usual excuse of being an artist and needing to express himself. This is insane. I feel terrible for Taylor. They cut the mic and she does not get to finish her speech and cut to a comedy clip of Tracy Morgan’s.

9:34 pm: Those last 4 minutes were stressful. Now I am glad I decided to pour a glass of wine. Ugh. Tracy is talking about winning the VMA for Best New Artist, calling himself Tracy Gaga. Only he needs a mentor, and that mentor is Eminem. Haha. The two of them are in a bunk bed.

9:41 pm: Russel Brand is back on stage. I am probably going to end up drinking this entire bottle of wine. Oh man, I blame you Russel, I blame you. He attempts to make a joke about what went on with Kanye & Taylor Swift. Jack Black & Leighton Meister take the stage to present the Best Rock Video. Leighton looks like she is wearing a space suit. I am not sure if I hate what she is wearing. Jack Black is wearing a buffed out muscle suit. I think the VMA’s are taking place in an episode of the Twilight Zone. And the winner is Green Day. They were the first CD I ever bought so I am sort of excited. Plus they are awesome. It is truly weird to watch them get old. Billy Joe Armstrong accepts the award and keeps his speech short.

9:45 pm: Justin Bieber & Miranda Cosgrove take the stage. I have no idea who Justin is, but he gives a shout out to Taylor, so I guess he is good people. They’re introducing Taylor before she has to perform. Oh man, that has got to suck. After being dissed on live television she has to get her head back into the game to perform. I totally hope she does well! She’s performing on the subway! She’s doing so well. Luckily, Kanye did not make it to the subway or who knows what would have happened. She takes it from the subway station onto the street in front of Radio Music Hall, and finishes by getting on top of a taxi. Way to make a great moment, this chick is a class act.

9:55 pm: Pete Wentz and Gabe Saporta take the stage now. They hug like lost lovers. Pete is wearing Gabe’s phone number on his t-shirt. They’re introducing Lady Gaga, who I am DYING to see perform.

9:57 pm: Whoa, this entire set reminds me of Madonna’s 1990 VMA performance of Vogue, which is one of my favorite VMA moments of all time. I think there is a guy wearing a white lace thong on his face. This is probably going to be seven levels of awesome. So far nothing is especially spectacular about it. It’s good, but I expect so much more out of her. I love how the sparkles and rhinestone go up and around the left side of her outfit. Whoa, now she is totally rocking out on the piano, and even has her foot on the keyboard. WHOA! She’s got blood pouring out of her chest. She’s going to die on stage. I guess this is the sort of over-the-top thing I was expecting from her and thankfully she delivered.

10:08 pm: It’s an hour into the show and it doesn’t seem that long. Maybe it’s the wine talking. Ugh, Russel is back on stage again and now he is talking about Megan Fox. Why must he fail so much at being funny? Lady Gaga is now draped in red lace over her face.

10:10 pm: Nelly Furtado and Kristen Cavallari take the stage to introduce the nominees for Best Pop Video. And the winner is Britney Spears! Britney Spears is on tour and accepted the award backstage. She looks AWESOME! It’s so great to see her amazing comeback.

10:12 pm: Megan Fox & Adam Brody take the stage. They’re both in the new film Jennifer’s Body together and announcing Green Day live performance. These guys certainly know how to rock. Billy Joe is running through the crowd, and the body guard is trying to catch him. It’s awesome and the crowd is going wild. Now he’s getting a ton of people on stage. This is incredible, just based on the chaos it might be my unsuspected favorite performance of the night. Billy Joe is crowd surfing and singing the end of the song. The poor bodyguard looks like he is going to have an aneurysm. HAHA.

10:24 pm: I pour myself another glass of wine as Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson & Taylor Lautner get on stage. Kristen Stewart still has that terrible black hair, but it’s much shorter in the back. I like the new cut. They announce the extended trailer for New Moon. It seems super dramatic, but I still haven’t seen the first one.

10:30 pm: Beyonce takes the stage as a green strobe light illuminates behind her. She looks so amazing on stage. Her body is sick and her voice is totally amazing. Once she breaks into Single Ladies the crowd goes insane. She looks like she’s having an amazing time.

10:38 pm: We’re back from commercial break & Jamie Lynn Sigler and Diddy take the stage. Jamie Lynn looks great in her hot pink dress. Diddy looks pretty dapper as well. The two are announcing the winner for Best Male Video. Kanye is up for this award and when Diddy said his name the entire crowd booed him. Oh man, Kayne what have you gotten yourself into? And the winner is T.I., I love this video.

10:42 pm: Gerard Butler is announcing something. I’m not sure what yet, but I think he is so sexy I don’t care. Oh, it’s Muse. They’re performing their new song from the New Moon soundtrack.

10:52 pm: We’re back from commercial and Muse is still performing, but some of their old stuff.

10:55 pm: Jennifer Lopez is on stage. There is no way this woman had twins. Her body looks amazing. She looks amazing. I think I am gushing over Jennifer Lopez. She’s introducing the award for Best HipHop Video. And the moon man goes to Eminem for his video We Made You. He deserved it too. He gives a gracious speech.

10:58 pm: Kid Cudi takes the stage, and talks about his relationship with late DJ AM, to celebrate his genius & dedicates his performance to AM.

11:05 pm: Russel Brand was talking, but by now I have had enough to drink to remind myself to ignore him. He apparently was introducing Tracy Jordan & Eminem. Tracy tells people to vote for him, but Eminem reminds him that the voting is now over. The award for Best New Artist goes to Lady Gaga. She truly is the best new artist in the last year. Even though she is wearing see through red lace over her head she makes it onto stage without falling, announcing, “This is my first f**king moon man.” She is totally awesome!

11:08 pm: Serena Williams announces Pink’s appearance by mocking her very own faux paux at the U.S. Open this past weekend.

11:09 pm: Pink performs strapped into a rope high above the stage like she’s in Cirque de Sole. her outfit is adorable and she’s got a pink heart covering her left nipple. This chick has such amazing pipes, and she does it all while performing a trapeze act. WOW!

11:18 pm: Russel introduces Jimmy Fallon & Andy Samberg. It’s like Russel isn’t even real to me anymore. Perhaps we broke up once in another life. Andy & Jimmy are here to introduce the award for Video of The Year. This is going to be a tight race between Beyonce, Lady Gaga & Britney Spears. When Kanye’s video is announced he’s booed yet again. It’s not even surprising anymore. The winner is Beyonce! She’s such the total professional that she calls up Taylor onto stage and tells her to give the speech she was robbed of earlier. You have to hand it to Beyonce, I really gained a lot of respect for her as a person. The crowd goes wild. Taylor gives her speech thanking all of her fans and the people in her life.

11:30 pm: Back from commercial, Jay-Z has finally arrived at the award show to perform for the end of the VMA’s. I guess that is what life is like when you are a super dooper mega superstar. Jay-Z performs a song off Blackout III with Alecia Keyes. This might be the best song on the album. He looks so calm as he walking to the stage, and Alecia is playing the piano to introduce him.

11:36 pm: Russel introduces an exclusive clip of the documentary This Is It following Michael Jackson’s preparation to go on tour before his untimely death earlier this summer. Wow, it seems like Michael Was as powerful and as perfect as we always remembered. It’s such a shocking reminder of how tragic his death was.

11:38 pm: Russel talks some more, but I know it’s ok since he is closing down the awards show. It was actually pretty amazing and totally exciting with tons of performances and Kanye West’s blunder. What did you think? Was Kayne totally out of line? Did Lady Gaga deserve to win Best New Artist but lose Best Female Artist to Taylor Swift? Let us know in the comments!