It is probably even more infuriating that Kaepernick is speaking of “injustices” when he is so privileged. He was born destitute to an unwed Teenage mother. His father skipped out before he was born. His birth mother put him up for adoption. He earned his scholarship to school for through working hard to get a 4.0 GPA. Though he was a good athlete, he had to work hard to be seen as a viable football player, because he was so skinny and needed some serious training in throwing the ball. Man, what a cushy life! It’s not like he worked hard to get a job in his father’s already successful business, and then create an empire mired in debt and business practices that would be considered borderline racketeering, like a REAL American! Perhaps he should go live in another country, like you promised to do if the presidential candidate of your choice did not wien in 2008, or 2012, or any other time that the the law upheld and fortified the rights of people of whom you thought little until they spoke up for themselves. That reminds me, to whence should I forward this apology letter? I’m sure you made good on your promise by now.

In conclusion, dear offended white people, I would like to apologize to every other famous black, gay, and female human who has personally attacked you by saying things like, “We deserve respect”, and, “Please stop killing us”. These phrases are wanton attacks on your person, just like saying, “Pardon me, nay I get past you”, in a supermarket is equivalent to saying, “I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN IN FRONT OF YOU AND SPIT THEIR BONES IN YOUR FACE!” We’ll try to be more respectful of your patriotism. We’ll keep Dixie Chicks from saying anything else so that Ted Nugent can again discuss shoving a rifle down sitting senators’ throats and threaten to start a war. Joe Walsh NEEDS to have his threats to the President be heard. While we’re at it, we will admonish Bradley Cooper for not being the role he played in a mediocre film, because I understand that hurt your feelings, too. We’ll be better.

Love,

Me.

PS- I rented a stadium of 50,000 seats. The door is open. You can take all of them.

PPS- The stadium has an open dome, and I hired a blimp to circle it, tossing 100,000 lamp shades directly at you. Bring an umbrella, which will inevitably provide you shade.