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> Why is the Bible considered so inspired? If you look at the Old> Testament especially some parts of it seem less holy than Saradomin in> Runescape or paganism. All this stuff about paying silver to marry the> maiden you raped and all the fighting and empty rituals and nothing at> all about falling in love or how beautiful nature is, which (the> nature) is mentioned in passing mostly only because they were> surrounded by the stuff. Eh, what do you expect, given how everyone> was at the time.

} Yeah, it's rough in there. Let's look at the top ten exciting things} in the Bible, shall we? That should shed a little light on the subject} of why people think it's so inspired.}} 10) Bellringar and Belshazzar dress up as each other to fool a pen pal} who has come for a first date with Bellringar. Hilarity.}} 9) Daniel ends up in the lion's den for refusing to tip his hat to the} capitalist factory-owner. Mini-series.}} 8) Adam and Eve's Serpentine Love Triangle - who will win the hand of} fair Eve? Stay tuned!}} 7) Lot's crazy daughters can hear their biological clock ticking. Will} they find a man in time?}} 6) "Curse God and Die" - a made-for-TV movie based on the life of Job.} Musical comedy with some dark elements. Not for children or depressed} people.}} 5) Not Without My Feedbox. A documentary about the charges of neglect} filed against Joseph and Mary after their child was found half-crazed} in a pile of grain.}} 4) What Not to Hair - Absalom gets a makeover and finally has his hair} done in this stunning episode. You know that he'll be more successful} now that he can show off his figure.}} 3) My Little Riverbabe - Pilot. Egyptian queen pulls an abandoned baby} out of the river - but she gets more than she bargained for!}} 2) Can stem-cell research restore life to the dry bones? Dr. E. Zekiel} talks about the latest findings.}} And the number one show on the all-Inspiration network is:}} 1) American Idol. Golden calves, foals, and other animals compete to} see who shines best.}} Well, I feel inspired. Don't you?}} You owe the Oracle a pillar of garlic powder and Rachel Ray.

} Yea, verily, ancient history reporteth thou shalt} remembereth thine Eleventh Commandment, "Don't get} caught."}} Remember the first commentary, "Don't admit you're} doing wrong UNLESS it's likely you've gotten caught or} are seriously suspected of something, then, if} possible, don't try to get away with total innocence,} admit to something less guilty looking or a lesser} offense, that way they actually tend to respect you as} a stand-up guy."}} So if possible, if it's bad, claim you didn't do it;} if it's good, claim you did. But that can't be right,} there has to be one answer, so I will try again.}} The Oracle has taken substantial effort and trouble to} try and solve this otherwise insoluble puzzle, and has} used the most powerful and effective method of problem} solving known to man, the common coin, and using a} randomizing procedure known as a "toss" has come up} with the true and definitive answer to your question.}} Tails.}} You owe the Oracle $2.00 since I have to get some} profit over the quarter I had to use to solve this} question. Don't give me any guff about still having} the quarter, just pay the two bucks.

} Your question has caused a massive rift in the sea of} tranquility to which The Oracle normally floats, as it} is causing a massive dissension. I wasn't sure, and} before I could answer, The Flying Spaghetti Monster} claimed Road Runner would win, and The Invisible Pink} Unicorn is betting on Speedy.}} I asked Satan, and he walked away in disgust, saying} he wasn't getting in between a fight between FSM and} IPU, it was bad enough when he sided with me over the} Kevin Smith movie "Dogma" and IPU was mad at both of} us for a week for saying we liked her portrayal by} Alanis Morissette.}} So I decided to use the most complicated selection} system I can think of: I tossed a coin. The answer is}} Tails.}} You owe The Oracle a new quarter to replace the one he} used deciding your question. What do you mean, I} still have the quarter? Just shut up and pay the two} bits.

} Your spelling is atrocious, but I'll let that pass... this time.}} The "Philosniper's Stone" (Philosniper: lit. "lover of long-distance} killing") is a magical stone that is guaranteed to bash your target's} brain out when you throw it no matter how far away he is. First} crafted by David prior to his battle with the Philistine Goliath, the} recipe for creating such a stone has passed down the ages from} assassin to assassin.}} Fortunately for you, I happen to have a copy.}} In a silver basin blessed by a priest and forged by virgin hands,} place a hair of the target. Add two pints of children's tears} (extracted as you please), then simmer slowly, stirring once,} counterclockwise, every night at midnight. Add eye of newt, wing of} bat, heart of a lawyer, and a mushroom that was used as a stool for a} toad (careful: do not substitute a toadstool) after the first month;} continue stirring and simmering. Add a drop of your blood after} another month, then empty the container into a marble basin. Drop the} stone to be blessed into the basin and allow to steep until needed.} Season to taste. Serves one.}} Or you could just go out and buy yourself a rifle with a decent scope.} Your call.

} *brrrng!*}} *brrrng!*}} *brrrclick!* "Ozymandias, King of Kings, look on my works ye mighty} and despair, how may I serve you?"}} "No, sir, you have the wrong number."}} "No, sir."}} "Sir, I can't help what number you were given."}} "No, sir, this is not the Oracle."}} "Sir, as I said, I can't help what number appears on their site."}} "I'm sorry, sir, we don't deal in woodchucks here."}} "That's right, sir."}} "Have a good day."}} *click!*}} You owe the Oracle free directory service.

} Voice Over: Today on "Truth Orrie Dares To Speak"} The Internet Oracle deals with the rising problem} of Geek Shops!}} [ scene: A dingy metal door in a wall at the end} of an alley. A really, really dirty alley, all} dark and, well, dirty. ]}} Oracle: Behind this door is a Geek Shop. A shop were} hot babes throw away their dignity, their} lives, their quarters just for a chance to} gaze on A Geek!}} [ Dramatic Music as the Oracle enters the Geek Shop.} On the walls are O'Reilly Manuals, LotR DVDs, pocket} protectors and bare motherboards -- staring at these} are some super hot, fine looking super models who lower} their heads trying not to be noticed by the Oracle} and the "Truth Orrie Dares..." camera crew. ]}} Oracle: These foxes are drawn here by the lure of} geek. Some buy the geek gear you see on the} walls, but the real attraction is just down} that curtained hallway. If you have beautiful} teenage daughters in the room we advise you} to send them to their rooms to play with a} Barbie doll, right now.}} [ The Oracle strides past the curtain. The hallway is} lined with stalls. Stalls in which simply stunning} women are dropping quarters into slots that then} raise metal plates covered with lipstick marks. ]}} Oracle: On the other side of those plates are geeks.} And these beautiful gals can't get enough.}} [ The Oracle stops by one stall. A bodacious honey} drops in a quarter, the plate slides aside and we} can see a geek sitting in a folding metal chair. ]}} Geek: So as I was saying it's a crime Portal didn't} sweep the Computer Games awards for '07, oh} sure it's not an FPS, but the way it bends physics} with no regard for the conversation of energy} is a riot! And the AI! Wow, it's whimsical and} menacing at once, like the way MUD monsters used} to be. I remember this one Mordor MUD that had this} Little Match Girl NPC that...}} Super Model: OH! OH! OH!}} Oracle: Depraved? Yes. A threat to society? Maybe. We'll} look further into these and other issues after} this commercial message...}} [ Cut to commercial ]

} Caesar was a salad. What little we know of him} comes to us through fragments of plays of yore,} that have survived the ravages of time. Below is} one such fragment:}} =======================================================}} ANTONY:} Friends, Romaine Lettuce, croutons, tine me your forks;} I come to eat a Caesar salad, not to toss him.}} CROWD:} The wilt! Lettuce the wilt!}} ANTONY:} Good taste is often inferred with/by sauce;} So let it be with Caesar! Your noble Waiter} Hath told your Caesar was coming soon:} If it were so, it was a grievous wait!}} CROWD:} The Wilt! Feed us the wilt!}} Soothsayer:} Beware the iceberg of head lettuce!} =======================================================}}} You owe the Oracle a really weird rainstorm and a noble} Porsche.