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The girl-squad life is pretty carefree. Impromptu brunch date? On it. Early morning yoga sesh? Natch. Staying out ’til 3 in the morning at your neighbourhood’s trendiest bar? Uhh, obviously.

And then it happens: People start having babies.

“Before kids, we were thinking about what the hot new restaurant was to go to, what bar we would go to, whose birthday it was, who was having an awesome cottage weekend,” says Etobicoke mother of one Danielle Bablich, 31, whose son Leo is just over 6 months old. “Now it’s all about meeting around nap schedules, being in bed by 9.”

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Whether you’re a new mom or a kid-free friend watching (slightly horrified) from the sidelines, the arrival of little ones in a friend circle can really shake things up. In Canada, the average age for women having their first kid is 28.5 years old, meaning many female friends are experiencing big changes in their friend groups around that time. All of a sudden, some women are thrust into their new, all-consuming role as moms navigating the world of public breastfeeding and toddler temper tantrums. Others — the kid-free crowd — are often filled with mixed emotions as their newly tethered friends enter a world of sleepless nights and smelly bodily fluids. For both sides, it can be a trying time for friendships.

“I think our entire social life does kind of change,” says Bablich’s friend Whitney Finegan, 32, who doesn’t have kids — but is still feeling the lifestyle shift thanks to her mom friends. “You’re not focused on the shopping, drinking, partying, the new bars. You’re thinking about what type of restaurant you can have an early dinner at.”

One British survey found the average number of close friends for people with no children is 4.7, but this drops as people have kids, going down to just 3.5 friends for people with three children. Another survey of moms and dads from Child found only 54 per cent of women felt satisfied with their friendships after having kids — a drop from 69 per cent before babies hit the scene. The reason, it seems, is a lack of time. Women spent 14 hours each week with their friends before having children, but only five hours after. (Yikes.)

In the first few months of being a mom, women are developing a new identity, says Avital Norman Nathman, editor of The Good Mother Myth: Redefining Motherhood to Fit Reality. They’re taking on the roles of mother and caregiver, meaning their identity as a friend is changing, too. That process can leave both sides — new moms and their kid-free friends — frustrated, Nathman says.

For Bablich’s friend group, the arrival of babies was a one-two punch. Larissa Gaudet, 34, was one of the first women in the group to have a kid, with her son Jamieson arriving just five days before 31-year-old Jenna Lasko’s daughter Frankie in 2011 — a situation which actually helped the two childhood friends reconnect while shaking up their broader friend group.

On a spring afternoon, the group of thirty-something women — who’ve known each other for over a decade and all attended the same Etobicoke high school — are hanging out at Bablich’s home in Etobicoke while a couple of kids are running around and gleefully munching on gourmet doughnuts. These sorts of hangouts, the women say, have replaced bar nights and shopping trips. “It was way more carefree before,” says Gaudet. A poop explosion at a restaurant, she says, highlighted just how much things had changed. Jamieson was a toddler when the mess happened a few years ago while Gaudet was out with a friend who doesn’t have kids.

“There was no change table in the bathroom. I was using paper towels, and I was like — this is over. I have to go home right now,” she recalls with a laugh. Her friend was a little shell-shocked, Gaudet adds. “I don’t think she knew what to do.”

Poop problems aside, motherhood in general throws a wrench in friendships. But as conversations turn from Tinder dates to diaper changes and quick coffee catch-ups replace late-night dinners, experts say friends without kids need to be sensitive to how much a new mom’s life has changed overnight — while moms need to make effort to keep old friendships strong.

Bottom, from left: Jenna Lasko with Frankie, Larissa Gaudet with Jamieson and Danielle Bablich with Leo. Top, from left, Whitney Finegan and Jennifer Caravaggio. For Bablich's friend group, hangouts at each other's homes while their kids run around have replaced bar nights and shopping trips. (J.P. MOCZULSKI)

Find ways to support new moms

“Don’t make demands on (a new mom) that she might not be able to keep,” says Irene Levine, psychologist and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. Even scheduling phone calls can be tricky with a newborn or busy school-aged child, she notes.

It’s also not worth planning any big getaways, adds Nathman. “If your friend is a new mom and isn’t comfortable being out overnight — because maybe she’s breastfeeding — respect that.” Conversations are so key to figure out what’s doable, which might mean swapping restaurant dinner dates for wine nights at a mom’s home once the kids are in bed — whatever works.

Keep in touch with kid-free friends

For new moms, compromising is key, which might mean lots of advance planning and leaving the kids with a partner or babysitter for a few hours. After having a baby, Nathman recommends starting small, squeezing in short visits with friends like meeting for a quick pedicure. “Then maybe next time, you’ll go for a pedicure and a drink. Ease back in, just like you would with any activity post-birth — fitness, sex, anything.”

It’s also worth keeping in mind that childless friends won’t want to hear about a little one’s potty training adventures 24/7 or spend every hangout with kids in tow. (They also don’t want to be pressured into having kids of their own, and could be dealing with private fertility issues — so it’s best to butt out.) Really, it’s all about balance, Nathman says. “If you want to be out there with your friends having fun, sometimes it’s OK to bring your baby with you and that’s totally fine. In those moments, those friends will have to grin and bear it,” she says. “As long as you’re also able to have fun without your child.”

The importance of friendship

Friendship expert Shasta Nelson, CEO of female friendship matching website GirlFriendCircles.com, says it’s important to have time away from your kids. One of her friends would leave her baby one night a week with her husband, just two months after giving birth, she recalls. “To this day — this child is now around 7 or 8 years old — that child has grown up watching her mom value friendship and go out for girl’s night . . . you’re not hurting your child by modelling friendship.”

However you make it work, Bablich agrees it’s worth it to keep your girl squad going strong. “It’s a mental-health thing for a mom, meeting friends,” she says. “It’s about remembering who you were before you had a kid, because it can be all-consuming having a baby.”

Mom confessions

Moms across the country spill on how their #squads changed when kids hit the scene.

Genevieve Yarn, 32, mother of one in Calgary, AB

Genevieve Yarn (Toronto Star)

We were one of the first people in our friend group to have a baby, so no one really knew what to expect. One of the first times I brought my newborn son around my friends was on New Year’s Eve in December 2014. I was desperate for a “normal” night out, like the olden days (a.k.a.: before baby.)

I put on a brave face and breastfed my son in the midst of the party, covered, and I think I spooked quite a few of my male friends. Surprisingly, my son handled the party well, sleeping through everyone shouting the midnight countdown. I was jealous watching my friends be so carefree. But even though I felt a bit more like an outsider than before, I had a great time.

Bindi Patel, 35, mother of one in Pickering

Bindi Patel (Toronto Star)

I was one of the last to have a child in our friend circle. However, all my friends who had children before made having children seem so hard. Phone conversations disappeared, text messages took days (and sometimes weeks) and meeting up became the thing of the past!

I noticed that once the kids reached 6, for some miraculous reason, all my friends came back out of the woodwork and starting living again. Maybe age has something to do with it, or wanting to have a child after 11 years of marriage, but my life could not be more complete.

Bobbi-Jo Gardiner, 36, mother of two in St. Thomas

Bobbi-Jo Gardiner (Toronto Star)

My eldest son was approximately 6 months old around the time he was starting solid foods. We were at an event to celebrate a grand reopening and, needless to say, I was the only one with a kid.

My son was being a bit fussy, so I was bouncing him around trying to soothe him when he projectile vomited all over me, the wall, the floor and anywhere else you could imagine. I was mortified. To this day, my friend will not let me forget this incident and the permanent stain in the concrete floor.

Natalie Bell, 40, mother of three in Winnipeg, Man.

Natalie Bell (Toronto Star)

We are a blended family, and Michal came into the girls’ lives when they were 10 and six. Many of my existing group of friends had kids too. However, because the kids were older, they were more self-sufficient and, not long afterwards, big sister started taking care of little sister which resulted in not needing a sitter! We ‘dated’ each other more often, and we saw our friends frequently.

Fast-forward four years later to when I became pregnant with our little man, things definitely changed. You start to gravitate toward those who are in the same boat as you, and to those thinking about being in the same boat as you.

Lisa Anketell, 33, mother of one in Toronto

Lisa Anketell (Toronto Star)

I have been very fortunate to have close, supportive friends surround me my whole life, but when I had a baby things certainly changed. Many of my friends focused on the ‘fun’ aspect of how sweet it must be to have a baby without having a strong sense of all the difficulties I was having. My friends were, and continue to be, my No. 1 support system and I really needed them to be around for the hard stuff, too.

Many of my friends also wanted me to come out and stay out late as they thought a ‘break’ is what I needed . . . but I what I really needed and wanted most was for someone to come over early evening, cook me dinner and watch my child while I caught up on sleep.

Raj Thandhi, 35, mother of two in Surrey, BC

Raj Thandhi (Toronto Star)

Even though my kids are older now, my friend circle is pretty much all moms. I know they’ll understand the struggles of motherhood and be there when I need to share a challenge.

I remember this one time, me and four girlfriends had spent weeks planning a night out. After finally figuring out a day when everyone could get a sitter, one of my girlfriends sent us a group email saying how she would much rather watch TV and go to bed early. She was so desperate for a night off that she was bailing on us! After a quick round of emails we all admitted that we felt the same way, and we ended up cancelling the whole night.

Laura Wilson, 32, mother of two in Toronto

Laura Wilson (Toronto Star)

It was a complete change in my life when I became a mom. Just getting out the door was difficult. I thought I’d still have a sense of me and I’d be able to be flexible in my life, but I wasn’t, unfortunately.

I’m still friends with people that I have a strong relationship with, that I’ve known for a long time and get me, but I’m definitely not as close to them as I am with my new mom friends or friends who have kids now. I just think we’ve gone on different paths.

Maureen Dennis, 38, mother of four in Caledon

Maureen Dennis (Toronto Star)

When I had my first, I was the only one with a baby in a very not-used-to-kids group of friends. It was music industry, film and TV people. Our little guy got to go to a lot of places where you normally wouldn’t think to take a baby. It was a new and challenging experience; I didn’t have a lot of other supportive moms saying, ‘This is normal,’ ‘I understand,’ or ‘Let me help you.’

But friends are so important. The best approach to being a new parent is finding that sense of community. Reach out to somebody and say, ‘Hey, would you like to grab a coffee or go for a walk after?’ You need to make that effort.

Carolyn Bechard, 30, mother of three in Vancouver, B.C.

Carolyn Bechard (Toronto Star)

We were one of the first among our friends and family to have kids. Although everyone was excited for us, it was a bit of a struggle getting them to understand that we couldn’t be as free with our plans as they could. Going to a sit-down restaurant for an hour or two is a painful experience, and we can’t stay out at parties until 10 p.m. because the kids have to go to bed.

I’ve been told that we should be more ‘flexible’ from people who have no understanding of what it’s like to have such young children — that is frustrating!

Kid-friendly spots

Sure, a night club or trendy brunch spot might not be the ideal place to hang out with a baby in tow — but you probably don’t want to resort to fast food either. We rounded up some other parent-approved, kid-friendly spots across Toronto.

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