Due to the economy still being in the lower end of “total suck”, sports
teams are losing money. Losing money fast, like “investing in a John Romero
game” fast, or “joining the Scientologists” fast, even. To get to the point,
most sports teams are, as usual, screwed, as fans no longer show up at games,
because they don't have any money, meaning companies don't get any money,
meaning they can't pay their stars, meaning they're replacing them with
things like Shamu, although perhaps the Orlando Magic should have realized
that killer-whales can't dunk. Obviously, Tinkerbell, Paris Hilton's poor
dog which is probably rather innocent and as such has done nothing but have
a terrible owner, is rather lousy at football, because these are not things
they are supposed to be doing!
Neither are big name sports stars supposed to clean toilets for a living,
having obviously ignored any education in favour of being all famous and
popular, or at least, I suppose that they do not, but perhaps it would have
been a good idea to have a backup plan and not end up selling women's shoes,
while a monkey who was in a movie once, and movies with a monkey as a lead
character generally suck as a rule, is taking all your money, and you know
that really, if only your ego was just a little bit smaller and you didn't
request millions upon millions for putting on a jersey and some sneakers
and running around a bit, things would be quite different, but nope, you
deserve all those millions, right?
However, despite the whole situation being a giant tragedy and farce of
sport once again, owners still seem to think this is a great idea, especially
the ones who watched those stupid movies about basketball playing dogs and
figured an orca could do an even better job. So far, the only complaint
the owners have had is that zombie Mr. Ed requires about as much money as
Kobe Bryant, and manages to be really annoying to negotiate with to boot.
The Chicago Bears have already managed to notice that a giant gorilla, the
quasi-famous Binti Jua, who knows sign language, can run with a ball about
as well as everyone else on a field, and communicate even better, and still
only requires a crate of bananas for every practice and game. The Bears
might even have a chance to win something next season, provided they do
not replace the gorilla with an actual player, or he gets tripped up by
some famous caterpillar or whatever.
As has been said: total farce!