The Baby Show
[ Season 1 | Episode: 9 ]

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( 234 Quotes Found )

* Quotes are grouped by Scene

Jenna's Birthday

Kenneth:

Well I don't know why they need you in the studio.

Everyone:

SUPRISE!

Jenna:

Oh my god is this for me? I can't belive you made all this fuss over my birthday. It's so incredibly thoughtful. Let me give something back to you guys. (Singing) I belive the childen are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way

Cerie:

Hey, guess what everyone! I'm engaged.

Frank:

Hey, this isn't going to change the way you dress or eat lollipops is it?

Cerie:

No.

Frank:

Oh. Then, congratulations.

Jenna:

This is for you cerie. I belive the childen are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Kenneth:

Show them...

Jenna:

All the beauty they possess....

Josh:

Everyone guess what? there's an antique car show out in the plaza.

Area Code 407

Liz:

How long is Jack going to be?

Jonathan:

He's still on the phone. Area code 407?! Oh no! When did this happen?!

Liz:

407? Is that bad?

Jonathan:

It's fine! It's going to be just fine!

Jack:

Jonathan! These cheap phones keep on shattering!

Jonathan:

You can go in now.

Liz:

No!

Jack:

Who let 407 though? We have drills for this!

Jonathan:

Liz distracted me?

Liz:

No I didn't. What's going on? Business got you down?

Jack:

Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off. Now what is your urgent problem this time?

Liz:

Well uh the writers and I wanted to get TGS jackets, but the guy in accounting says we can't have the jackets, but dateline has jackets.

Jack:

Jackets? Is this what your talking about now? Jackets? Lemon do you realize that your little show accounts for 3% of our revenue but takes up 90% of my time? Hello! Now would you do me a kindness please, and handle your problems yourself, and stop bothering me. Is that too much to ask?

Liz:

Absolutely. forget it I won't bother you about anything. anymore.

Liz:

Wow he's a little bit of a stress eater huh?

Jonathan:

He puts up with so much!

Liz:

Alright.

Tracy and Josh

Announcer:

Jenna to the stage please for Jazz Police.

Josh:

Liz you should of seen this guy at the club last night.(imitating Tracy) "Everybody at this party is a Jedi!" "We must get our freak on while our fruit is a plentiful"

Liz:

Sounds like another great party I wasn't invited too.

Josh:

Tracy, thank you for the funnest night of my life. I love you man.

Tracy:

Love you too J-Bird! Yo I don't like that dude. It's Disrespectful when he imitates me. I want him fired!

Liz:

Oh come on it's a goof.

Tracy:

How would you like it if I did and impression of you Liz Lemon? I'm Liz Lemon. I wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.

Liz:

I don't skateboard.

Tracy:

Hurts, doesn't it?

Liz:

I'm not firing Josh.

Tracy:

You always take his side.

Liz:

(In Flashback) Tracy, stop tazering him!

Tracy:

See I need to be respected Liz lemon, but what do you know about respect?

Liz:

Please Tracy just let it go

Tracy:

Well if you won't you won't do anything about then I'll just go over your head to Donaghy.

It will be 2 month's in 3 weeks. You would love him Liz, he is so funny. He does this thing where he screams at limo drivers.

Liz:

It just kind of seems like your rushing into it a little bit.

Cerie:

I guess. We both want to have babies while it's still cool. I already have all the names picked out. If it's a girl. Bookcase, or Sandstorm, or maybe Hat, but that's more of a boys name.

Liz:

Yeah I was going to say. It's just your so young. There's no big hurry to have babies. There are other things in life like a career, or working, or having a job, or working.

Cerie:

You can have a career at anytime. But you only have a short period where you can be a young hot mom. If you wait to long you could be likeâ€¦50 at your kids graduation.

Liz:

50's not that old, Cerie.

Cerie:

Oh I'm sorry, are you 50 now?

Red Wine

Jenna:

Paul Newman, or Robert Redford?

Liz:

I've told you a thousand times, Newman. Because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.

Jenna:

Me too. Ok. Brad Pitt, or George Clooney?

Liz:

Do you think I'd be a good mother?

Jenna:

What?

Liz:

Something is kicking in. And the last few months I've just started wondering if I'm going to have a baby. I'm so many steps away from being able to do it. And I panic that maybe I waited to long. And what if my junk goes bad? What if Cerie is right?

Jenna:

Wow. Red wine is not your drink.

Liz:

I'm Sorry. I'm in my right mind. It comes in waves, and I love my job, and I love my friends and if i am meant to crank out a kid then I have plenty of time.

Jenna:

Uh not really.

Liz:

Jenna!

Jenna:

No Liz I'm saying if this is something you want, then let's go for it. I'll help you. Oh please let me help you for once. We'll get a guy like that hot dancer Madonna used to have Lorenz

Liz:

No, no that's not how i roll. Forget i said anything.

Talkin Momma

Jack:

Because you agreed to this. I did not make you sign anything. I will not be intimidated by you!

Kenneth:

Good morning Mr. Donaghy.

Jack:

Go to hell!

Kenneth:

No thank you!

Jack:

Kenneth I'm sorry. How do you do it Kenneth? how do you sit here everyday taking crap from people and you keep smiling?

Kenneth:

My mother always told me that even when things seem bad, there's someone else who's having a worse day. Like being stung by a bee. Or getting a splinter. Or being chained to a wall in someone's sex dungeon.

Jack:

Isn't that a kick in the soft stuff. Kenneth, I mean you get strength from your mother while mine is sucking the life out of me. She calls me constantly. That was her. Complaining about where she's living. Threatening to move in with me.

Kenneth:

Oh how wonderful!

Jack:

No no no that's not wonderful. I run companies. Plural. But to that woman, I'm always going to be the punk kid who cried when Pop was run over by a mail truck.

Kenneth:

Oh my, a mailman killed your dad?

Jack:

No, Pop was my dog. My dad left when I was two. So I grew up calling my collie, Pop.

Kenneth:

My mother is my best friend.

Jack:

My mother tried to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me. I was twelve.

Kenneth:

My mother has her dark times too, but that's when i say "momma you carried me for 9 months. let me carry you now"

Jack:

You are a remarkable human being Kenneth. I bought my mother a lovely retirement home. In Florida with a tea garden, and big rocks made of foam because she falls down alot. Got everything she needs except a phone. I told those people, I made it clear. Do not give her a phone. It's her. It's always her. Hello!

Fertil Liz

Dr. Spaceman:

This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Liz:

Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?

Dr. Spaceman:

I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Frank:

Hey so, Jenna told us you're looking for a baby daddy?

Liz:

She what?!

Frank:

Yeah, So?

Liz:

So? Are you kidding me?!

Toofer:

Now ok, before you say no, I just want to say, our child would have a leg up on getting into Harvard.

Liz:

Oh, really? Did you go to Harvard? Cause you haven't mentioned it in like three hours.

Frank:

Our kid would have strong flat feet.

Lutz:

And if you choose me, I agree not to take my shirt off. But I do like to get yelled at during sex.

Liz:

You're disgusting!

Lutz:

Yeah, that's a good start.

Liz:

Ugh get our of here. Jenna had no business telling you guys that.

Vasectomy

Pete:

Oh hey blue pages! What? what's wrong?

Liz:

Jenna told the writers that i'm looking for a guy to get me pregnant. Ca you belive her?

Pete:

Ugh I know that's so uncool! Why did she go to them? Who do you know better then me?

Liz:

Oh come on! Didn't you have a vasectomy?

Pete:

No, I just told my wife I did.

Liz:

And she doesn't get pregnant how?

Pete:

I fake it.

Greta Willing to help

Liz:

Is Jenna out here? is she rehearsing?

Pete:

She's on stage.

Greta:

Excuse me, Miss Lemon. I'm not usually this formal, nor this bold. But I figure time is on neither one of our sides. Could you excuse us for a second?

Liz:

I kind of like him to stay.

Greta:

Very well. Miss Lemon. Liz. I'd like to carry your child, if I might. I own a small ferret farm about sixty miles north of the city. It's not much, but it is self sufficient. I can get cable if you want cause I know how much you like TV. Sometimes I watch you watching it. Think about it.

A Hookup

Liz:

Jenna stop telling everyone i need someone to get me pregnant.

Jenna:

I'm not telling everyone.

Josh:

Guys check this out (Imitating Tracy) "Oprah and steadman are the same person."

Liz:

I don't have time for this conversation. I don't have time i don't have time for anything.

Josh:

That's why he/she won't run for president. Mm-hmm.

Liz:

Hey you got to stop doing that impression. Tracy hates it

Josh:

What? But it's funny. These guys like it. The Mars probe didn't break. It was attacked by a Martian Cougar!

Tracy:

This is how you take care of things Liz Lemon? I'm going to Jack Donaghy.

Liz:

No, No Tray please don't do that.

Tracy:

Too late! This is untoward. This is not toward!

Liz:

You better fix this nerd. Otherwise Jack Donaghy's going to kill me, and then he's going to kill you, and then he's gonna fold us up in a pizza and eat us.

Josh:

What?

Bobby:

Hey Liz I heard you're looking for a hookup.

Liz:

Oh you know what? Everybody stop working right now! I don't want to have sex with any of you. I have plenty of time to have a baby, and i am not looking for sperm donors.

Bobby:

OK but do you still want a sound hookup so you can listen to rehearsal?

Liz:

Yeah thanks. How are you Bobby? good? great.

El Matador

Tracy:

YO

Josh:

Tracy, it's Jack Donaghy. I hear we have a problem with Josh Girard.

Tracy:

Damn right! He keeps impersonating me! Making me into a caricature.

Josh:

Well, I would take care of this if I could. But it's tricky. You see, Josh's father is an assassin for the Russian mafia. They call him, El Matador.

Tracy:

Whoa, those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.

Josh:

It happy s me, to hear you say that. For being so understanding, I'm sending you our new, secret top secret invisible motorcycle.

Tracy:

For reals?

Josh:

For realsies. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see a doctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Jack Advises

Jack:

Lemon, we have a problem.

Liz:

I have this whole Tracy Josh thing under control.

Jack:

What are you talking about?

Liz:

Nothing. What are you talking about?

Jack:

You. You yelling at the crew, you trawling for seed.

Liz:

Oh it's a big misunderstanding. Jenna thinks that I want to have a baby.

Jack:

I should have known this would be a problem when I decided to mentor a woman.

Liz:

No, in facty what i said was that my body is trying to make me think I want to have a baby, but my body is not the boss of me. My brain is.

Jack:

Well if you insist on going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don't smother your child with affection to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don't say you're the only man I'll ever love, even babies know that's creepy.

Liz:

Of course!

Jack:

Don't put little notes in their lunch bag that say Mommies watching you People find those things.

Liz:

But I bet you behaved yourself.

Jack:

If your child is a terrific hockey player, and a gifted flautist, don't make them play the National Anthem on the flute in front of his teammates.

Liz:

Your mother did that?

Jack:

Now she wants to move in with me. I can't have that lemon.

Liz:

Then be an adult and call her and say that you love her very much, but living together is not going to work for you.

Jack:

You don't know my mother. This is a woman who actually had a heart attack to prevent me from going on my honeymoon.

Liz:

Maybe her heart broke because she's spent 20 years raising you and you're a total ingrate.

Jack:

That's exactly what she said. Is this what you want Lemon, to breath life into another human being just to spend the rest of your days slowly sucking it out of them.

Liz:

No. That's why my brain is the boss

Jack:

Speak of the devil.

Liz:

Take a breath. Be nice.

Jack:

Hello mother, so nice to hear your voice. No, I am not on anything. I know that things have been difficult for you lately and I was thinking you carried me for nine months, let me carry you now. WELL RIGHT BACK AT YOU COLLEEN! That's right! You cut Pops balls off! And left him in the street to die!

Tracy Deceived

Cerie:

Liz, check out my wedding dress.

Liz:

Absolutely not, young lady.

Tracy:

Kenneth get Donaghy on the phone.

Kenneth:

Jonathan I have Tracy Jordan for Mr. Donaghy.

Liz:

No, no, no. Tracy please do not bother Jack. He's in a very weird place right now.

Tracy:

B.B. Jackson's condo?

Liz:

No.

Tracy:

A children's clothing sore in Dubai?

Liz:

Stop guessing! What I'm saying is leave Jack alone.

Tracy:

Too late Liz Lemon. He called me five minutes ago.

Liz:

Five minutes ago I was with him.How did Jack sound? What did he say?

Tracy:

Nothing unusual. Russian mobs. Invisible motorcycle. Sex pooping.

Jack Deceived

Liz:

Are you insane? What are you going to do when Tracy asks Jack for his invisible motorcycle? Yeah dummy. Here's what you're gonna do.

Jonathan:

It's not your mother!

Jack:

Hello?

Josh:

(imitating Tracy) Donaghy!

Jack:

What's up Tray?

Liz:

(Telling josh what to say) If in the future....

Josh:

If in the future.... if i mention anything crazy.... like an invisible motorcycle... it means I'm off my meds... and should be ignored. Also I think Josh Girard is a young Alec Guinness.

Jack:

Go back on your meds Tracy.

Liz:

hang up.

Josh:

hang up.

Jack:

What?

Josh:

What?

Liz:

Idiot!

Josh:

Idiot!

Jack:

Tracy I've gotta go. Idiot.

Josh:

I think that went well.

Liz:

Now you got to call Tracy, as Jack.

Josh:

Or, I could call him as Christopher Walken.

Liz:

Do you not understand what we're doing?

Baby Crazy

Liz:

Jenna, did you tell Life & Style that your favorite book is the koran?

Jenna:

I just wanted to sound smart.

Liz:

Oh Hi baby!

Hairstylist:

Would you take her for a second? I'm trying to finish her eyes.

Liz:

Oh I'm actually really busy.

Hairstylist:

Please. I heard you were baby crazy

Liz:

Uh no

Jenna:

Yes she is.

Hairstylist:

Please.

Liz:

Oh for the love of nut. ok. How about that huh?

Hairstylist:

Yeah she likes you. Go ahead, Walk around.

Jenna:

Look how pretty i look.

Liz:

You're the cutest baby in the world. Who's the cutest baby in the world? Who's the cutest baby in the world? How did I get home? Why didn't you say something?

Josh Caught

Tracy:

Jack Donaghy. Now i know you asked me not to say anything. But i think i know somebody that can help you with your sex poop problem.

(Imitates Jack) Mother, I love you too. But living together is not gonna work out for me. Yes I went this morning. I don't know, regular consistency. (whispers) I can't do this.

Jack:

Every day, for the rest of your or her life. And she will our live you. She's like Castro.

Tracy:

and when you done with that. Call my wife and tell her i'm sorry about what happened with me and keith and them.

Josh:

Wait who?

Highway Hypnosis

Pete:

Oh god it's true that you had the baby.

Liz:

I don't know what happened. One minute I was holding the baby in makeup, and then suddenly, It was like highway hypnosis, you know, when you pull into your driveway and you don't remember driving home.

Pete:

Oh right, right. And you have someone else's baby in your car.

Liz:

Oh I feel so terrible.

Pete:

Give me the baby. I'll try to smooth things over. What's her name?

Liz:

Well Anna calls her Isobel, but I call her Nancy.

Pete:

I think it might be a good idea if i give Anna the rest of the week off

Liz:

Seriously? We're really busy. Well of course, of course.

Jenna:

Stealing a baby? Really?

Pete:

Hey I found Isabelle! I'm a hero.

Anna:

Hi baby. Oh baby.

Liz:

You're loving this, aren't you?

Jack:

Oh yes. I'm a big fan of kidnapping, especially by my middle management. So that thing you were saying about listening to your mind and not your body? How's that going for you?

Liz:

My body is telling me several things. First of all, I need to start working out. that kids was killing my arms. Number two, I can be very happy with a baby that looks nothing like me and didn't bake in my oven. Three, I need to let myself have a personal life.

Jack:

I've been telling you that for 5 months.

Liz:

Well you're right again. Write it down in your little I'm awesome book.

Jack:

Where are you going? You have a rehearsal about to start.

Liz:

I stole a baby Jack. I'm taking a half day.

Jack:

Fair enough.

Liz:

I have to do some thinking. Maybe it's impossible to have it all. the career the family. But if anyone can figure it out how to do it, it's me.

Jack:

That's going up.

Liz:

Aw Nerds!

Kooky Skeleton

Kenneth:

I was talking about you at work today mother. I think my boss Mr. Jack Donaghy, wishes you were his mother. Isn't that something mother?

Skeleton:

Yes Kenneth. That's sweet. Do you have me on speakerphone again?

Kenneth:

Yes ma'am. It' just like "charlies angels".

Kenneth's Mother:

Oh by the way, did you get your old Halloween decorations I sent you?

Kenneth:

Oh yes! thanks you. I'm looking at the kooky skeleton right now. I love it. You're the best mother in the whole world.