Interview with a father, part I: Phil

Phil is a father to two boys, ages 6 and 9. Phil was married 2 years ago, to his current wife, Pam, his first marriage. Phil and his ex have 50/50 custody of the boys.

AG: What is your current situation with your kids?

Phil: The strong points is that I get to be a father at all. I see guys losing their kids to vindictive crazy mothers all the time, or paying thousands of dollars in child support and barely getting to see their kids. It’s a sick situation. The courts don’t care at all about the well being of the kids, it’s incredibly biased.

AG: Do you see your own situation as being biased?

Phil: Well yeah, my ex has no reason to have custody of my boys. Boys need to be raised around a man. Living with a woman is fine, as long as there’s a man around. She’s a horrible mother, she doesn’t do anything for the boys, I tried to get them out of there, but the judge shot me down.

AG: Any idea why the judge shot down your request for full custody?

Phil: It’s all biased. He said he couldn’t see a reason to deny their mother custody, but he just chose not to.

AG: So what is the reason they boys shouldn’t be with their mother?

Phil: She’s a weak emotional person, just like a woman. She can’t control herself, she’s lazy, she has no drive. If she had her choice, she’d be living off a man for the rest of her life. She’s not smart enough to be a mother. She’s not pretty enough, even to land a good man, she’s literally a pointless person.

AG: Sounds like you have some animosity towards her?

Phil: No, not animosity, but she disgusts me in general.

AG: How long have you been apart?

Phil: About 2 years ago is when we stopped. Although we were never really a couple, to be honest, we were just ‘friends with benefits’ for a long time.

AG: And what ended it?

Phil: She either wanted to see other people or actually have a relationship,get married. I never would have married her, she’s not my type.

AG: But you still committed to having 2 kids with her? That’s much more of a commitment than marriage, don’t you think? A marriage you can end, but you can’t end the connection of having kids.

Phil: No, I’m not committed to her, I’m committed to my boys. She has nothing to do with this.

AG: You say she has nothing to do with this, yet, she’s going to be in your life as long as your boys are living.

Phil: No, I doubt that. She’ll find another man eventually.

AG: If someone were to ask your ex, what kind of things would she say about you?

Phil: The truth is, I’m an excellent father, she knows this. I’ve always been there for my boys, always will be. She wanted to get married and raise a family, but that was never going to happen with her, she has nothing to offer me, or any man. She’d probably say I’m a good guy, I did a lot for her.

AG: So what’s the role your current wife plays for your boys?

Phil: She’s my wife, plain and simple. She doesn’t raise my boys, I do. She is there when I’m not, but she doesn’t take care of them, or anything.

AG: She does nothing for your kids? Would she agree with that statement?

Phil: Sure she would. She doesn’t like kids, doesn’t want kids so my kids are just that, my kids. I don’t want her to care for them, she’s not their mother. She doesn’t have to do anything for them.

AG: What is her relationship like with your sons?

Phil: It’s fine. She is nice to them, they are nice to her, that’s it. We don’t do things as a family, because they are not her kids. There kind of is no family, I am my boys father, she is my wife.

AG: Do you acknowledge that she’s a stepmother at all?

Phil: I don’t put that role on her. She doesn’t want kids, so I don’t make her. She’s not the evil step mother, but she doesn’t take over either. She doesn’t need to take care of my boys.

AG: So I guess by kind of ‘disengaging’ from the step parent scene, your wife avoids all the drama and stress that can come with a blended family.

Phil: Yeah, I guess. I don’t know what kind of stress would be put on her, She doesn’t have to deal with any of it, I do.

AG: Has she ever met the mother of your sons?

Phil: No, there’s no reason for her too. When we swap the kids, it’s with me and her. My wife has nothing to do with it.

AG: Does that make it harder for you?

Phil: No, it’s doing what a man is supposed to do for their kids. I make money, I care for my kids, my wife does what she does.

AG: Is there one area that’s harder to be a father in your situation?

Phil: The only hard part is making sure that people know their roles. My wife is not a mother, their mother is not a wife and never will be. So basically it’s all on me to make decisions and be the man I have to be. I don’t want either one of them to confuse their roles. My wife has her part, the boys’ mother has their part.

AG: What parts are those?

Phil: My wife’s role is to be a wife, to support me, to care for me and to provide a comfortable home. The boys’ mother’s role is non-existent. There is no role for her, no purpose really. The only thing she needs to do is to disappear.