That warm, pleasant morning
Held great prominence to me.
But my fear wrecked me greatly
I could not succeed.
Yet through my tears I’d seen
Your smiling presence, comforting me.

In the rain I walked
Been given chores to carry out.
Going back was not an option
But I no longer knew the direction.
Yet my disorientation was short lived
As I had you beside me to walk with.

Shivering in the cold
I was bound to fall ill.
The insensitively brutal weather
Showing no respite whatsoever.
But you sheltered me from it all,
Let me feel nothing at all.

Now years have passed and time is my only enemy.
I close my eyes and recall seeing you by my side endlessly.
I can’t be too sure though, if you were an illusion or a memory
It was so long ago, sometimes I question my sanity.
All truths are ephemeral, expecting otherwise is a futile tendency.
Evanescence is inevitable, nothing lasts for an eternity.

I’m no longer in control.
I’m in your hands.
You play me like strings of a harp.
Ever so gentle,
Getting me to moan to your touch.
Getting my inner core to sing to you.

When we’re alone
Our passion ignites us.
We’re a house on fire.
When people are around,
You walk in front of me,
So no one notices.
But how do I walk behind you,
Without me leaning into your scent?
I’m torn.. Trying to hold back,
Trying not to give in to my senses.
I still stand before you
With that unspoken connection,
Only we know of.

You make me weak.
You make me vulnerable.
You crack my shell, making me insecure.
Why do I let you overpower me?
This is not how I’m supposed to feel.

But am I in this alone?
Do you realise what you do to me?
It’s a one-sided obsession
Where you’re my drug, my addiction.
I feel like I’m falling alone
With no one above me to stop me,
With no one beside me to fall with me,
With no one beneath me to catch me.

I didn’t want that night to end.
When there was a certain magic in the air.
We both felt it.. Breathed it.. Lived it.
It was a night like no other.
Until then, we were on our own.
But that night, things were different.
It was like there was a need for him to be there
For me to feel complete.
Both generally reserved in our own ways
We were compelled to break open.
Although hurt before,
There was a sign telling us that this was it.
“Try him. Give him a chance..,” Said the voices in my head.
And perhaps he would do the same?
No, we weren’t present in person.
We weren’t beside the other.
But technological advances that sent his voice to me and mine to him,
Made me feel like I was in sync with him.
The vibes were so intimate, in a way that drew me closer to him.
His voice was the only identity I attached to him.
Like a symphony, he spoke to me.
And with it progressing, I knew I was being sucked in..
I was falling for him.
Half drunk, half sober, he admitted the same.
He said my words and my voice tingled his very inner core.
Overwhelmed, I couldn’t react.
I knew I was getting attached to this.. Almost-Stranger.
And once I fall, I definitely fall.
He claimed to feel the same.
So, a leech finally met a leech.

But the night wasn’t young.
And neither were we.
There came a close to the magic.
A close to that infantile attachment.
No, that wasn’t just a moment.
I feel the same every time I talk to him.
Feel like leaning into him, never letting go.
But reality says otherwise.
Being naïve won’t get me anywhere.
And so, we left alone what was ours
Letting fate to decide what is to become of it.

Some nights aren’t as good as the rest
Where memories flood in,
The worst of the lot and the best.
Now you may argue it’s fun reliving those moments.
But clearly not when they’re prominently painful instants.
Joy, love, excitement, you generally share with people.
But fear, agony, hurt breaks you alone into pieces.
Your mind isn’t so simple.. It is a blinding maze.
Attempting to figure it out leaves you most definitely in a daze.
There are dark, unsettling sections you dare not visit.
But like it or not, you find yourself in there, locked in a prison.
Your freedom is enchained..
Your imagination goes insane.
No amounts of sweet talking
Can stop you from falling.
You’re a victim of your own mind.
A prisoner lasting a lifetime
Until you gather the strength
To move forth with endurance.
I agree it’s a scary place
So dark you just cannot see.
I’ve been there a million times
Buckling down to trying times.
But life’s too short for you to crumble.
Stop pitying yourself and live life to the fullest.
You will be set free only once you claw your way out the cage
The cage your past, your present, your future creates.
It isn’t an impossible feat,
So don’t just admit defeat.
Go out there and fight it out!
Win against yourself first,
Be it with the rest,
or without.

She is..?
Is She, really?
The most beloved person in my world..
If She does exist
You’re wondering why you can’t see Her.
Don’t worry,
I often wonder the same.

A series of excruciating torment,
Helpless onlookers observing
An endeared body rip apart,
Bit by bit,
Right before you.
All you can do is watch.
You are incapable of miracles.
You are feeble, powerless, impotent.
You gape at the person who gave life to you.
You are audience to Her losing all the life She has left.
(In turn diminishing your life
Until it’s an empty vacuum
Hollow and bottomless)
Not all at once,
Oh no, She isn’t that lucky.
But slowly, gradually, painfully.
She passes on..
Leaving the living insensate and benumbed.

Malignancy is not a corporeal disease.
It’s more of a psychological terror and trepidation.
A parasite living off you.
She was host to an unwanted guest.
And soon enough,
She became slave to it.
Her life was controlled
And She was merely a puppet in its strings.

Malignancy..
An inferno igniting a book
Filled with pages of Her life
Each chapter, Her story.
It burned with a blazing fire
Starting from the edges of the book
Unhurriedly kindling further portions
Until all that was left
Was ash.

One gush of the wind
And neither did the embers remain.
This was it.
Questions were left unanswered.
Words were left unspoken.
Reasons were left unexplained.
Appreciation was left untold.
Forgiveness was left unasked.
Love was left hidden.
Apologies were left unsaid.
Life was left incomplete.
And though the inferno swept her clean,
I’m trapped in eternal purgatory.

And there she was..
The love of his life..
Wondering, has it really been 5years?
When with her, time was just a number..
But these were the moments that counted..
Five years ago, what was theirs ended..
And to find some possible explanation to that abrupt end,
There they were once again.

And here I am..
Recalling his stories for the millionth time
His stories of their love story..
Of the sorrow, pain and whole series of emotions that followed.
I’ve thought of it so often because..
It was the reason that made me fall for him.. Hard.
It was this non-shallow, sensitive, profound nature of his emotions
That got me longing for some.

Selfish, aren’t I?
A friend confides in me and I start a fantasy starring the two of us.
But it wasn’t just a phase.
He’d shared his deepest sentiments with me..
I knew every inch of that story.. Knew him so well
And though I’d never met her,
I knew her in and out.
Knew what they shared.. How they felt..
And what followed in his story, after theirs ended.

Did he know mine?
He knows but doesn’t realise he’s a part of it.
That’s fine by me. My concern is him alone, not us.
I’ve gone passed those ego barriers that wanted the self to be happy.
My present ego is happy only when he’s happy, with me or not.
And so, we’re the same old- friends? family?
I’d rather not name our relationship.
It takes its form on its own, and it’s best to let it be.

He tells me that he was to meet her the next day.
Abandoning my current chores.. I was all ears.
He was excited, happy, nervous, uncertain, and a whole lot more.
But what I felt was insane..
I bore the burden of hurt, pain, dismay yet I couldn’t be happier.
It was something he’d always wanted to do- meet her and talk it out.
And finally, the time’s come.
I was excited, relieved, anxious and so very happy for him.

The next day, no news from him.
Why am I worrying?
He’s meeting a girl he loved.
But she’s also the girl who broke his heart.
And that’s why I worry.
She was the reason for a lot of his pain..
She was the reason I’ve seen him render sorrow philosophically and artistically.
She was the reason I got to see him upset, and once,
I got to see the moistness in his eyes.
But she made him who he was in her absence.

Here I am..
Wondering and really hoping things would work out.
All I want is for him to not be hurt..
He deserves all the joy in the world.
I want him to get what he wants..
He’s missed her, yearned for her..
And I know the feeling..
Because I’ve yearned for him.

Awaiting news from him, I have never felt so stirred before.
So many emotions all at once, caused by one mere human?

After the meet, he claims that same spark to be lost.
He’s confused and just hitting in the dark.
On the one hand he feels things have changed and it didn’t have the excitement it used to have
But on the other, she apologises and tells him she’s never loved anyone like him.
Should he trust her or just be indifferent considering the pain she put him through?

Here he is telling me everything..
And I’m all ears though it hurts me to bits..
It’s a helpless situation..
Where neither can I solve his dilemma nor can I solve my own because of his.

The only thing beautiful is uncertainty.
Where certainty doesn’t satisfy you,
Uncertainty doesn’t set you free..