The First Fifty Shades Poster Reveals That Christian Grey Will Definitely Have A Butt

In news sure to make women the world over simultaneously orgasm, the first poster for That Movie That Is Never Going To Come Out, er, I mean Fifty Shades of Grey, is here. Despite what seems like ten years’ worth of casting rumors followed by recasting rumors, combined with shifting release dates, Universal has gone ahead and released a poster declaring that the movie will finally come out Valentine’s Day 2015 — more specifically February 13th.

For a movie based on a book all about hardcore sex, the peeks we’ve gotten so far have been pretty devoid of sex, including this one. It features someone we can only assume is Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey standing in front of an enormous window with the tagline “Mr. Grey Will See You Now.” Apparently we won’t see him though, since this poster only reveals what he looks like from the back, and he’s not even naked. I’m just going to assume he has his penis out and is casually flashing all of Seattle. But luckily we now know that Christian will definitely have a butt. I know so many women were worried that the filmmakers would depart from canon and make the character assless.

I’m also so tired of the same old movie poster techniques this employs. How many characters do we have to see dramatically facing away from us before we retire this trend? On top of that, it’s not mysterious anymore to leave the title of the movie off the poster. A poster is supposed to advertise a movie; tell us what it’s called!

I haven’t read this book and frankly don’t care to, but I was expecting more out of this adaptation, especially considering all the buzz around the casting. There have just been so many setbacks and controversies associated with it, and everything we’ve seen so far is so absolutely boring that I’m thinking it’ll be fifty shades of flop. Or maybe even fifty shades of “Remember when that movie was supposed to come out? That went nowhere.”