He sighed, and looked around. Waving his arms vaguely he said, “All these people, they’re just automatons. Physical expressions of some simplistic code. You know like non-player characters in games.”

“Right, or, and this is just a wild suggestion, but you might have been gaming a little too much recently. You might want to take a break.”

Normally Ray would have laughed at this point, but instead he looked quite grumpy.

“No, Jules, really, I’m serious.”

“OK OK. Look, I have to go. I’ll meet you later, right, at the Old Lion?”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll be there.”

He wasn’t, in fact I didn’t see him for a few weeks, which is quite unusual. Even more strange was that I saw him in the morning at our usual coffee hang out. Ray was the kind of person to whom mornings were anathema.

“Jules. How are you?”

“Erm, I’m fine Ray. What are you doing? Where’ve you been?”

“Ah, well, just trying a few things out.”

Then he looked at me oddly and leant close and whispered something in my ear. It sounded a little like ‘shuzz-worzler’ but I didn’t catch it.

“What was that for?”

“Damn, I was worried there for a moment. I thought you were one of them too.”

He was starting to weird me out.

“What are you talking about?”

“Look, can we grab a coffee, I need to talk to someone real, and you’re the only one I’ve found so far who’s likely to listen to me.”

I wasn’t entirely sure whether to be complimented or not, but I nodded, and we ordered some coffees. I was going to pay, as Ray is often between jobs, but he said, “Leave it to me.”

The barista rang up the amount, and Ray leant over and said something to him. The barista looked a bit vacant, and then entered something into the till, and said, “On the house.”

Shaking my head I took my coffee and headed for our regular table in the corner. It gave an excellent view of both doors, and had a comfy feel to it.

“Explain.”

“What?”

“Where you’ve been! And why you got these coffees free.”

“Right yeah. Where to begin… so you remember I said it was like everyone was an NPC?”

“Kind of.”

“Well it got me to thinking, so I did a bit of experimentation. You know how in Dungeons of Trithory you could use special codes to get NPCs to provide information even if you didn’t know the right questions? It was kind of a hack.”

“Um, I didn’t actually play that one.”

I wasn’t anything like the gamer Ray was. Not least because I had a job and really didn’t have the time.

“Well take my word for it, there were these special words. It’s quite common really, most games have some form of them. The way to find them involves some trial and error, but they follow some common themes, usually a corruption of the title of the game, or some main part of the back history.”

“And this has what to do with free coffee?”

“Well, I did some testing on people who I was convinced were NPCs. It took me a couple of weeks, and some slightly difficult situations, but I found the codes. I found the codes!”

I wasn’t quite sure what he was saying. I must have looked a little confused, because he went on, “Look, all I did to get these coffees was use one of the code words, and then tell him it was on the house.”

“Like a Jedi?”

“Yes, these are the coffees we were looking for.”

“That is BS. I bet you just promised to pay him later.”

“No, serious.”

“You’re trying to tell me there are some secret words which will make anyone in the world do what you want.”

“Not anyone, just the NPCs, which is most people. I reckon there’s only a dozen or so of us real people in this part of the city.”

“Ray, you have really lost it. I am worried about you. This kind of delusion… you need to give up the gaming.”

“I haven’t played a game for more than a week, other than the game of real life.”

I was getting quite worried. I’d never seen him like this. As he saw my face he started to get frustrated.

“Look, give me a challenge. I can get anyone in this shop to do whatever I want, well except you. Mores the pity.”

“Not this again.”

“No no, I know, we’re just friends. But seriously. Give me a challenge.”

I looked around the shop. There were a few people sitting enjoying their coffees. A couple of business men clearly having a gossip about work, their voices were too low and the chuckles too loud for it to be anything else. An old man, doing the crossword and nursing a small latte. Next to him was a pretty girl. Long dark hair, red lipstick. The coffee in front of her was empty, and she was checking her makeup with her phone, but the frown on her face said she’d been stood up. I knew Ray was useless with women. It was painful to watch, and normally I wouldn’t put him through it, but he was irritating me with this NPC thing.

“OK, get that girl’s number.”

“I’ll do better, I’ll get her to kiss me.”

“Right. But if it doesn’t work I don’t want to hear any more of this MPC rubbish.”

“NPC.”

“Whatever. Stop stalling.”

He walked over quite calmly and said, “Hello”. The girl’s face was a picture. Not only had she been left waiting on her own in a coffee shop for ages, now some geek was hitting on her. Then he leant over and said something else. She smiled at him. They chatted for a couple more minutes and then she kissed him. Not a peck on the cheek or anything, a full on, tongues and lust, she rose to press her whole body into him. It went on for a while, and when it finished he stepped back shakily. They were both breathing quite heavily. Ray said something else, she laughed, and wrote her number down on a card. He took it and she reached for him again. After another kiss which was almost pornographic he managed to disentangle himself and walk back over to me. The girl still stared at him hungrily, while everyone else in the shop seemed to have missed the show.

“See.”

He sat down with a self-satisfied smile on his face, and a smudge of lipstick.

“That was impressive. And a little disgusting.”

“Yeah. I think I’m definitely going to give her a call.”

“I’m sort of believing you, but she might just be madly attracted to the geekier man.”

“Do you want to do it?”

“What?”

“Use one of the words.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“OK, it is…”

He leant over and whispered it. He had me repeat it back to him several times until he was satisfied I was saying it right.

“Now you have the power too. Say that to anyone in here and then give them a command, and they’ll do it.”

The clientele hadn’t changed much in the last few minutes, and I was bereft of ideas.

“No idea what to do.”

A sly smile appeared on Ray’s face. “Well, you could get the girl to kiss you too…”

“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Pervert. I’m not into that as you know.”

Well, I’d tried it once, and it was strange, and fun, but, well, I wasn’t going to provide Ray with the entertainment.

“OK, I’ve got one. I’m not going to tell you what it is.”

I got up and walked over to the two men who were still gossiping away.

“Good morning gentlemen.”

“What do you want?”

I leant in and said the word. Then I said, “Now please give me all the money in your wallets.”

They immediately started emptying their wallets and gave me everything they had, notes and coins. It was quite a nice haul.

“Thank you gentlemen.”

I walked back.

“Well, it seemed to work.”

“But?”

“Well, these could all be actors you’ve hired, how do I know this isn’t just a huge trick you’re playing on me?”

He was getting frustrated again, “I’ll get that girl over, and she’ll do whatever I tell her. Or those blokes, or anyone in this coffee shop. Really.”

“Hmm, no, you could have paid them a lot. I’ve seen some stuff on the internet which leads me to believe some people will do anything for money.”

“Well…”

“Wait. I’ll believe you when I’ve tried it out in locations you won’t have had time to prepare.”

“Oh, well I guess.”

“Excellent.”

“Um, but one thing, if you come across a real person, you need to remember one thing.”

“A real person?”

“Like you or me. Not affected by the words.”

“Right.”

“Well, they might take offence at your suggestion, and it can cause some embarrassment. So far I’ve only met a few, but, still.”

I wondered what he’d asked them to do. Knowing him it could be pretty disgusting.

“How do I spot them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Brilliant. That adds a little challenge. Are these people immune to all your words?”

He looked thoughtful, clearly he hadn’t tested it out. Suddenly he leant forward and said another strange word in my ear. I decided to play along. I made my face go vacant. His face lit up and a smirk crossed his face. I nearly laughed at him then, but managed to hold it together.

“Kiss me like that girl just did.”

I reached for him, and just before our lips met I brought my hand round and gave him a slap.

“Ouch!”

“Stop trying your words out on me. Or at least if you’re going to, ask first.”

“You didn’t have to slap me so hard.”

“Hmm, yes, sorry.”

I wasn’t at all sorry. He rubbed his face. I really had caught him. I was a little annoyed with how he was trying to use me too, just like these others, who it would appear might really be mere automatons.

“Anyway, how many words do you have.”

“Just four.”

“OK, well do you want to try the other two on me?”

He looked at me a little shiftily and said, “I thought you didn’t believe in them?”

“Well, I’m becoming convinced.”

“I’ll tell you the others when you really are convinced.”

“That seems fair enough. Is there any difference with the effect of the words?”

“None that I’ve been able to find out, but I’ve not been using them for long.”

Something occurred to me.

“These other real people, do they now have words too?”

A look of fear crossed his face.

“Maybe, if they remember the word and try and use it. But, well probably not I would have thought.”

“OK.”

I looked at my watch and realised I was going to be late back to work.

“Sorry Ray, got to run.”

Work is normally a real drag. I work in an office pushing paper around for a large corporation. The money is good, the benefits are great and the office politics is vicious. I try and keep out of it, but that means I’ve watched a continuous stream of snakes get promoted past me. The work used to be satisfying, if not entirely challenging, but even that has palled.

The first thing I did was visit my boss. He quickly agreed that I should be promoted, and told me who else had to agree to an out of cycle pay raise. I spoke with four more people and I had a letter by the end of the day with a whacking great increase, and a guarantee of a promotion and bonus.

While I was organising a better situation for myself I decided some payback was in order. Michelle had pretended to be my friend, and then used my ideas to get ahead. I also suspected she’d stolen my last boyfriend, but in all honesty he wasn’t a loss. It was when she snubbed me once she had the metaphorical key to the executive bathroom that really hurt.

“Hi Michelle.”

“Ah, Jules. Sorry, but I’m very busy…”

Oh yes, she was always too busy to speak with a mere peon like me.

I leant in and said the second word Ray had told me. It worked a treat. Her face went slack.

“So Michelle, did you steal my ideas and Paulo.”

“Yes.”

No hint of apology, but then she was in that suggestive state, so that wasn’t much of a surprise. Here she was, I could do anything. I could make her run naked down the halls, make her piss on her boss’ desk, or maybe even jump out a window. But, the thing was I didn’t want to do any of those things. Oddly I just wanted my friend back.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I thought that being a manager is what I wanted. And I was so jealous of you. Pretty, clever and with a hunk like Paulo.”

“Do you miss our friendship?”

“I do. I wanted to apologise, or make it right, but, I just couldn’t.”

She looked upset, but if it hadn’t been for the word then I wouldn’t have believed her. What should I do?

“OK Michelle, I forgive you. We are friends again. Come for coffee with me. Oh and, tell Paulo you have syphilis and he should get himself checked.”

She smiled at me. The power of the word always seemed to ebb once instructions had been given.

“Oh Jules, it’s lovely to see you again. Look, I shouldn’t, but do you want to grab some coffee? I just need to make a quick call to Paulo…”

She looked embarrassed.

“Michelle don’t worry, I know, and to be honest it was all over for us.”

“I think it might be over for us too, which is a shame… but I have to tell him something.”

“OK, well I’ll see you in thirty minutes at the coffee shop on the corner?”

“Perfect.”

As I walked away I heard her dialling. I did wonder what Paulo would think, though I didn’t really care.

That night I woke up sweating. I’d had a dream where I was a puppet master, and I’d kept getting caught in my puppets’ strings, and then I’d become one of the marionettes. It had been unpleasant.

I didn’t sleep at all after that. My conscience was troubling me. Sure it was nice to have Michelle as a friend again. She’d been the same chatty, cheerful person I’d remembered. Yet, it had lacked substance for me. Knowing at any moment that I could make her do, well, anything. I was starting to wish Ray hadn’t told me about them, or even that they worked on me.

It was too late though. The genie was out of the bottle. What was I going to do about it?

I met Ray for coffee again, at a different place, one I’d selected at the last minute. I don’t know why, but I just thought it was safer. Maybe I still didn’t believe the words worked and wanted a place he couldn’t have set up.

“Jules, you look terrible!”

“Always the charmer.”

“No really, what’s wrong?”

“Ah, I think I’m coming down with something. But it’s nothing really. How are you?”

“I am a god!”

He laughed. I remembered the old saying about power tending to corrupt.

“That’s nice, and you’ve been doing good works?”

He looked at me strangely.

“Good works?”

“To help the unfortunates in the world, the poor, the starving and the destitute.”

“Um, but they’re not real. They’re just NPCs. Constructs put here to add colour to the world.”

He actually believed it. It was worse than I thought.

“Right. If not good works, what have you been doing?”

He smirked.

“I’m not sure you want to hear about it. Suffice it to say I’m making up for years of women ignoring me.”

I sighed. This should not have been a surprise to me.

“You’ve been using all these girls?”

“They have a good time, I tell them to.”

His eyes glittered. He really was having a good time. I just wondered about the wreckage he left behind him. If they really were NPCs, then perhaps it didn’t matter.

Our coffee order was delivered but a petite blonde girl, with a cute shy smile. Ray did a double take, and said, “Morning lovely, what is your name?”

She stared at him and started to back away, when he leant forward and said a word to her. I didn’t catch which one it was, though it didn’t seem to matter.

The girl stood still.

“What is your name?”

“Greta.”

“Well Greta, it’s lovely to meet you. You have an opportunity to join tonight’s harem. Strip.”

“Ray…”

“Don’t be silly, she’s just a machine.”

The girl started to take her clothes off. She was quickly down to her bra and panties. This was enough, I leant forward said a word and told her to stop. She just carried on.

I turned to Ray in surprise. He too looked surprised.

“Stop.”

The girl was bending down to pull her panties off, and just stopped in that position.

“What word did you use Jules?”

I told him.

“Hmm, I used another one.”

He told me the word he’d used, which was a new one to me. I held it in my memory. I now had three of his four words. Assuming he hadn’t added any more. Though given what he’d been doing I somehow doubted that.

“That’s interesting. So the first word stops the others. Hmm.”

“Ray…”

Some of the other patrons had noticed the girl. Her naked bottom was on display to the whole shop.

“Yeah, this sometimes happens.”

He shouted a word, and told everyone to go back to what they were doing.

The waitress stayed where she was. Ray looked at her appraisingly, then handed her a card.

“Come to this address tonight, at seven thirty. Bring a friend. We are going to have a party. Now get dressed and carry on with your day.”

She quickly put her clothes back on, smiled at us and went back to the tills.

I shook my head at Ray, “You really are a pervert.”

His smile was extra wide.

“You’re welcome to come along… the party starts at around five. Oh, and I have a new house, more befitting my new stature. I have a pool and everything.”

“What happened to the people who were living there before?”

“Who cares?”

‘Who indeed?’ I thought to myself. I answered, “Sorry Ray, I have a few other things I need to do tonight. Maybe another time.”

He looked disappointed. “Well, you’re always welcome.”

“So are you going to tell me the other words?”

He was just leaning in to tell me, when he pulled back, I could see him calculating. “You have two, so why do you need more?”

“No reason I guess, but you said you’d tell me.”

“Well Jules, I think I’ll keep them to myself for the moment. Unless you’d like to reconsider your plans tonight?”

So that was how it was going to be.

“Ah sorry Ray, but they’ve been in the diary for a while. As you say, two words are more than enough.”

He just smiled.

We talked a little more about inconsequentials, but he seemed distracted, probably thinking about hunting down more girls to join his party. He quickly left, and I stayed sitting staring at my coffee.

Greta came over and asked me if I wanted another drink.

“A latte would be lovely, thank you. One thing Greta.”

“Yes?”

“Do you remember the word that man said to you before you took your clothes off?”

“Oh yes.”

“Can you tell me it?”

She told me. It was the fourth word. Ray thought I had only two. I repeated it back to her, and she went slack again. The poor girl, she was just a toy in our hands. I was in a quandary though. If I told her not to go to Ray’s tonight, he’d know I’d found out the word, and I was starting to think that might be a mistake. On the other hand sending this poor girl into his nasty mitts was repugnant. What could I do?

“Greta. You’re supposed to go to a party tonight.”

“Oh yes. It will be fun.”

“Unfortunately you won’t be able to go. At around five o’clock you’re going to start feeling very unwell. By six o’clock you’re going to feel faint and want to throw up. At that point call the number and tell the man your symptoms and that you’re going to hospital but will see him afterwards. He won’t want you to come to his party and will likely tell you not to bother. As soon as he does you will feel much better, and then you and your friend can stay in and watch movies.”

She just nodded.

“Good, and a latte would be nice.”

She smiled again and headed off.

Saving one girl, two I guess including the friend, wasn’t enough. I needed to stop Ray before he went completely mad. Looking at the girl as she had stood in front of me I got the impression that she wasn’t totally happy with what I was saying to her, there was someone inside screaming to get out. Maybe I was projecting, but I just couldn’t believe that she was an automaton.

She brought my coffee and I sipped it slowly while I made some plans. I needed a holiday somewhere outside this city. I was sure work would agree to a paid sabbatical.

Two months later I returned to the city. I wondered what Ray had been getting up to, but I was also sure I didn’t really want to know. I went back to my little house. It was so welcoming, and cosy. I’d missed it on my travels. I was making myself a coffee in my favourite mug when the doorbell went. I’d wondered how long it would take.

At the door were two large men.

“Miss, you’re to come with us. Il Capo demands it.”

Il Capo? I just nodded at them and they escorted me to a limousine with blacked out windows. I was expecting Ray to be in it, but he wasn’t and it occurred to me that he wouldn’t have been waiting. He’d have just left these goons.

They didn’t say a word as we drove. I tried to talk to them, but nothing. I smiled.

We drove to a big house. The tyres crunching on the gravel drive. The two men were very courteous as they helped me out of the car, and then bracketed me as we walked to the front door.

A butler, an honest-to-god butler, answered the door, and led me to the drawing room.

A few minutes later Ray appeared. He’d put on a lot of weight, and unfortunately I could see it all as he was wearing just a pair of shorts and an open silk dressing gown. He did not look well.

“Oh don’t worry, I have an exercise man coming tomorrow, and my doctor is putting me on a new diet tomorrow as well.”

“Does tomorrow ever come?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“So where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since we met in that coffee shop.”

“I needed to get away. To think about things.”

“Did you think I’d be upset about the girl?”

“What?”

Damn, had he found out? Had he hurt her?

“Yeah, she phoned up with some cock and bull story about being ill. I figured you’d somehow turned her, and decided to keep her for yourself.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Oh Jules, I had so many girls I probably wouldn’t even have noticed if she hadn’t turned up. It was only when she called that I figured something was up. But that’s ok, I’m happy to share. I’m happy to share everything with you.”

“Ah well, that’s nice Ray.”

He was starting to loom over me.

“Now Jules, I’ve decided we need to be together.”

“But Ray…”

“My words don’t work on you, but I think you can be persuaded.”

There was real menace in his eyes now. He smiled, but there was no warmth in it, just a desperate hunger.

“These two gentlemen will take you downstairs, and make you comfortable. Then they are going to make you very uncomfortable, until you agree to everything I ask. Do you understand?”

How could he do this? My heart was pumping, I looked around. Was there a way out? This wasn’t what I’d planned.

“There is no way out Jules. Not ever. I have more like these, and they will watch over you, always.”

I looked into his eyes, and saw only a hungry madness. Fear froze me, I couldn’t say anything. I tried to hold his eyes, but he looked away as his two goons loomed over to me, and just picked me up, one on each side.

They carried me down to the basement into a room which was part dingy strip club, part Hammer horror. There was a large bed, a couple of poles on a stage, and a table in the middle, with straps to hold arms and legs, and a mirror above so that the victim could see everything. There were some unpleasant stains on the table, and the bed. Next to the table was the obligatory dentist’s trolley with an arsenal of pain-inducing implements. Looking round I took in the cameras. Everything could be watched, recorded and if necessary, shared.

I felt my knees go weak. This place would break me, I knew it. If I let it. If I let them. The two large men seemed like they knew what they were doing as they carried me to the table.

I wondered when Ray would come to see what was happening. At first I thought he’d be watching, and then I remembered that he had no real stomach for blood or real violence. He liked it at a cartoon level, but genuine razor blade to the throat stuff really didn’t work for him. He’d wait until I’d begged, and begged and the men finally believed I was broken. Then they’d tidy me up and call for him. That squeamishness would be his undoing.

As they lay me on the table I decided that enough was enough, I said something to the men. And held my breath. They both went slack and dropped my hands and I could breathe again. I hadn’t fully believed it would work. I’d feared Ray might have learned a new word, or tried something different, but I was lucky. Then again Ray thought he was already a god, why would he have learned more.

I got off the table, and asked the goon on my left, “What is your name? And his?”

“I am Tomaso, he is Lars.”

“Nice to meet you I’m sure.”

Under the spell of the word they didn’t answer.

“How long would Ray expect you to take before calling him?”

“Twelve hours usually, maybe a little more.”

I shuddered. I didn’t want to think about what twelve hours in their tender mercies might have meant.

I considered asking them for more information, how many girls they’d brought down here, what they did, but I just didn’t want to know. They’d get their just desserts in due course. I needed to deal with Ray.

“What does he do while you’re busy down here?”

“We don’t know. But he always answers the house phone. He might be in his room.”

Excellent. I’d need to move fast, but I was inside, and he didn’t realise I was loose, or about to be anyway. I figured I’d take my two new friends, they’d prove useful. First, I needed to make sure they were entirely under my control. I said another word to them, and then said, “Punch each other. Hard. Tomaso first.”

They really hit each other. Lars lifted off his feet and fell back at Tomaso’s punch, and Tomaso flew back when Lars returned the favour. Good, that was a start on their punishment, but I needed them so I had to refrain from anything further.

They followed me out, flanking me once again, but this time as my guards.

Ray’s house was big and spacious, and surprisingly empty. I’d assumed he’d have some staff. Some girls in French maids’ outfits perhaps. Apart from the butler I’d already met, and who didn’t show himself while we were looking around, there didn’t seem to be anyone else. I was going to ask the boys, but thought it best to keep quiet; I didn’t want to alert Ray with some careless talking.

His room was upstairs, at the end of a long hall, every other room being empty. It was eerie. As we approached the door I could hear the sounds of people having sex. On the one hand I don’t like being rude, but on the other hand… I had one of the boys slam open the door.

I walked in to see Ray lying on his bed, alone. The projection on the wall in front of him was of some kind of orgy, the figures of almost lifelike size. I almost started trying to count the participants as it seemed rather busy, but instead concentrated on Ray. He looked up, and then laughed.

“I misjudged you Jules. You found the other word. I was so sure you hadn’t. A mistake. I should have watched, but, well I didn’t want to see you hurt.”

I couldn’t believe his nerve. He didn’t seem at all worried, and I wondered what I didn’t know. He languidly rose from the bed and then spun round, and I felt something hit me. Then I was writhing on the floor in agony. He’d tasered me.

“Pick her up, and take her back downstairs. First gag her.” He said to the boys.

The two of them did nothing, just standing there.

He sighed and leant towards them and said a word. Then he repeated himself. Still nothing. He started to rave at them, shouting his word, and demanding they do something. He was working himself up into a real rage when I managed to choke out, “Grab him, make sure he has no more surprises.”

Suddenly released the two of them grabbed Ray, and patted him down thoroughly.

I got up, still unsteady from the taser.

“Bastard.”

Ray was almost frothing at the mouth with anger. “How did you do that? You bitch.”

“Now now Ray, no need for that. They’re mine now.”

All the energy went out of him, and he slumped down, and if he hadn’t been held then he’d have fallen to the floor.

“What have you been doing Ray?”

“Having fun. I guess. It wasn’t the same without you. I just wanted you to join in the fun. I love you Jules.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“I gave you the words! I thought that would be enough, you’d see what I could do, and then you’d love me too. But you didn’t and then you ran away. I couldn’t find you, I went to your office, but they just didn’t know. Where did you go?”

“I went to find out more about the words. I met with some people who’ve been studying them, trying to understand them. They took me in, but interrogated me to make sure I hadn’t misused the words. I have to make up for the small indiscretions I committed while testing the words, but they felt I was trustworthy. Then they explained the basics of what they’d learned.”

“Some other reals? With words?”

“Ray, everyone is real, they aren’t NPCs. We all just have different levels of susceptibility to the words. There’s a whole hierarchy. If you’d spent more time studying them, instead of trying to sleep with every pretty girl you saw, you might have worked a little more out.”

“But we did that test, a second word cannot cancel a first word.”

“A weaker word cannot override a stronger one. But a stronger one will always override a weaker. Your words were quite strong. Too strong, they gave you too much power.”

He stared at me.

I sighed and said a word. He went limp.

“That’s how it feels Ray. You’re still in there, trapped, but now you will do whatever I want.”

What did I want? I wanted him to understand the suffering he’d caused, I wanted him to pay for his crimes.

“This is how it goes Ray. You will never use a word again. Every time you try and say one you will instead ask the person to kick you. You have been stripped of your power.”

He didn’t move. He couldn’t. I could see a little of his internal struggle. He hated it, as his many victims would have. As I would have if I hadn’t been stronger than his words.

“I will now leave. You will never see me again, and you will not try to see me. I have a new mission in life. To find and stop people like you.”

I turned to the two men holding him.

“You two will hold him until I’ve left. Then you will go to the police station and admit to all the crimes you committed before you came under Ray’s sway. Then you will be free of the influence of his words.”

They nodded.

I walked out. As I left Ray was back in control of himself and shouted, “That’s it? I already have everything I need, I have all this money. Girls will flock to me now anyway. I don’t need you, or the words.”

I shook my head. He hadn’t learned a thing.

I looked outside to see that a car had turned up; there was a pretty girl in it. Several more cars followed, each disgorging one or two girls. They all looked angry, and some of them had weapons. They all started to head inside with some determination. I hadn’t told Ray the second half of his sentence. The organisation I’d joined had found as many of the girls whom Ray had used as they could. They’d freed them of his grip, and those who’d wanted revenge were told when they would be able to take it. They were all told that they would forget everything about Ray after they’d exacted their price. Those who wanted nothing more to do with him were freed of the burden immediately. They’d still bear some mental, and in some cases physical, scars underneath, but it was the best we could do.

“Well Ray, you were right. Girls are flocking to you.”

He looked confused as the girls started to stream past me, heading towards him. The confusion turned to fear and he stared at me.

Before I walked out I winked at him and said, “Thanks for playing. Game over.”

“No problem George, that’s what neighbours do. They take your goats and they’ll be on to mine next.”

I said nothing, watching the goats leap from rock to rock with a grace and insouciance; the capricious creatures were born for it. They’d tried sheep at first, but damn things kept getting lost and really didn’t like the rocky ground. Goats on the other hand loved it, gravity never having had much hold on them.

I watched Bill, my favourite goat, taking a bite out of a rock. She looked at me while chewing happily. She was a good producer, but cheeky. I suspected she was the one who’d broken the fencing the day before. It wasn’t there to keep the goats in, the gap to the next rocks did that. It was to stop wolves.

“I’m always careful, I popped one a few years ago, and had to bring the injured goat inside to allow the chlorophyll fleece to regrow, and rebuild the bubble. A real nightmare. I always think it’s a pity they can’t live off the rocks, but that’s modern mechano-genetic-engineering for you.”

“Totally!”

A pause.

“You listening on the goats’ channel?”

“Nah, only so many ‘maaas’ I can take. It’s obvious if they spot anything.”

Bill, bored with her position, bounced off, small pellets of pure metals coming out of her behind, and collecting in the little bubble I attached to her daily. It still amazed me that they chewed into rock and pooed out these metals, but that was the whole point of bringing them up to the asteroids.

“Mind if I ask something George?”

“Course not.”

“You renewed?”

“Another three years.”

“Full term?”

“Yeah, I reckon if I double the flock over the next month, then I’ll be able to get most of the easy minerals out. You?”

“I’m on rolling six months, I…”

Suddenly the whole flock looked up. One of them had spotted a pirate wolf, I got my rifle ready, and hoped we’d get it.

“Got it, Sun-side top.”

“Where… got it too. A single wolf raider. There must be a back-up somewhere.”

“You take him out. I’ll hunt the other.”

I aimed carefully and squeezed off a shot, then another. The first grazed him, but the second was smack bang in the middle of his bubble. It collapsed, and I could see the pilot thrashing before it exploded. It was harsh, but if I hadn’t stopped him then I’d find stripped goat carcasses spinning in nearby space within the day.

I looked around to see how Ben was doing, and spotted another raider bubble collapsing.

“Yee-es! Got the other.”

“Awesome. I owe you Ben.”

“Beers next time we’re in town. Unlikely you’ll see more wolves today. I gotta check my flock, I bet they’ve scattered.”

Grateful, I watched my flock, oblivious once again and eating happily. Despite the occasional wolf, it was a good life, for them and me.

That’s the last thing she said to me. Then I woke up, to darkness. My watch said 0800, the sky outside said… nothing. No sun, no moon, no stars.

I’d like to pretend I acted normally. I did not, I totally freaked out. I checked my clocks, I tried the TV, nothing. I cranked up my laptop, no internet connection, no power. I checked my phone, no signal, I let it drop onto the floor. I looked outside, darkness, no lights at all.

I’ve been in pitch black, in the Cairngorms when the clouds are lowering and it’s the middle of the night and it feels like the morning will never come. This was darker. And scarier. And then I remembered what Lyssa had said. I thought it was nothing, she was mumbling in her sleep, I’d asked what and she’d answered.

I didn’t think she meant it.

I found the whisky bottle by touch, perhaps not something to be proud of, then when I couldn’t find a glass I just took a couple of swigs. I’d been buying slightly cheaper stuff recently. Own brand supermarket if you’ll believe. The burn as it went down my throat helped, and I tried to think. Where had Lyssa gone? I felt around her side of the bed. Checked her things, it seemed that she’d dressed and left, taking her not-a-bag clutch thing with her. That made me feel a little better, she hadn’t just disappeared, unlikely like the whole world… no I had to hold it together.

#

I couldn’t stay in my flat much longer. It had been a few hours since I’d woken. The whisky was gone.

Where could I go? Was there anywhere… no thinking, first: prepare.

I put on my clothes, including a coat, found my phone again, which I now realised could at least function as a torch. A rucksack. That’s what I needed. I found one, put in a water bottle, some old cheese, and a kitchen knife. Well, I didn’t know what I’d find out in the darkness. But I was guessing it wouldn’t be my slightly grimy London street.

I opened the front door. And looked down where the stairs had been. Nothing. I turned the torch of the phone on… and still there was nothing. The beam was swallowed up by the darkness. I retreated into my flat.

#

KNOCK.

Was that the front door? Hours had passed. I’d been huddling in my bed.

KNOCK.

It was the front door. Someone. Something? Was banging on it, slow methodical knocks.

KNOCK.

“Coming…” I croaked out.

I stumbled to the door. Opened it. Lyssa was there. Smiling.

“Ryan, are you alright?”

“Lys… where… where’ve you been?”

“Searching for the morning. Don’t worry. I’ve found it.”

She opened her hand towards me and a bright light burst out. Overwhelming me.

Course the goat couldn’t answer. It didn’t even have vocal cords. Or a mouth. But I had to speak to someone. The psychs had said back on Earth, “If you feel like talking, do so. The sounds won’t escape the asteroid, and it’ll make you feel better.”

I wish I’d had the courage to ask the psychs if they had spent three years on their own in a dark hole.

They’d recruited me after I’d survived a spelunking accident. Trapped in a tiny crevice for five days. Just the dripping of water to keep me company, and alive. Actually they’d recruited me after the second accident. The first was only a day. None of my friends had died in either accident, but poor Blakely had broken a leg and sworn never to enter a cave again. Being trapped hadn’t deterred me, and I was planning my next expedition when Mr Philips approached me.

“George, I hope you don’t mind if I call you George, I wonder if you’d do me a favour and come and see me after your trip. I have a job offer which might interest you.”

I didn’t want a job. However I realised that given the state of my finances it might be sensible for me to listen to his offer.

“You want me to live in a hole, on my own, for three years?”

“Yes, and we will pay you handsomely. Tax free, and you won’t be able to spend it. You’ll come back a very rich man.”

“Assuming I come back, and come back sane.”

“Your profile shows you can cope with the stresses.”

I didn’t realise how desperate they were. Of course I’d heard about the Istanbul attack. Some kind of ravening alien thing had flown out of the sky and strafed the ancient city, before landing and sending out creatures which collected everything they could get their hands on. Animals, trees, cars and people. Everything was taken to their ship. Which then flew off again.

Why did they let it get away? They didn’t let it, they just couldn’t touch it. The Turks launched missiles and fired rounds at it, nothing even scratched the paintwork. There was consternation. Not only were we not alone, but ET was a rapacious and apparently invincible rapscallion.

The great powers, for a brief period before they went back to their Great Game bickering, agreed on two measures. First, they set up a technology program which was to design better weapons, and secondly, they would create a detection mechanism to provide advance warning of any future attacks.

“So you see, we’d like you to be in the outer ring of the warning shell. In the Oort cloud.”

My astronomy was poor, but I was pretty sure that was a long way away.

“It will take five years for you to get there. But you’ll be asleep, in deep hibernation.”

Perhaps this is the point where I should have started to get a little suspicious. In a way I did as I demanded, and received, more money. But I missed the fundamental point, which was, after all the effort to get me out there, why would they bring me back after three years? I think the psychs had found that people would balk at being told it was longer.

I’d been in my new home for more than a year before I named the goat. Before then it had just been an organic machine to me. The first time I’d spoken to it was a few months later.

“Howard, you know you’re a goat don’t you.”

Nothing.

“A goat spider squid I guess.”

Still nothing. I decided to explain to him what he was.

“You see Howard, you are a genetically engineered life form, designed to spot the things in the darkness, which is why you have so many eyes, you see, all over this rock.”

I waved around our little hole, though I was indicating the outside. I also pointed at the fleshy trunks which snaked out of Howard’s holding box. The brain just sat there. Probably, hopefully, still staring out into interstellar darkness, to spot the monsters.

The memory of how I’d found out that I wasn’t the important member of the crew stopped my garrulous flow.

We, the chosen few, had been sitting down for lunch. Morris was mouthing off again.

“You know we’re just going to be glorified shepherds, don’t you?”

“Goat herds,” grunted Simmons, someone who I could relate to, even if I couldn’t pronounce his Croatian first name.

“Whatever. We’re just there to look after them. Feed them, protect them from wolves or whatever, and wipe their bums.”

I must have looked a little confused, as Simmons explained, “You haven’t had the lecture yet about your companion. They’ll tell you this afternoon, but, well, it’s basically a goat brain, hooked up to some extra sensitive eyes, which will stare into space and spot any intruders.”

“They hope!”

“Yeah. They hope. We’re there to keep it fed, set up the eyes and, if it does see anything, double check and then report back.”

I’m glad Simmons explained it, as I didn’t get half of that from the lecture that afternoon.

To be honest it was Simmons who stopped me from being one of the seventy percent who failed. His brotherly attitude meant I could keep up with what was going on.

The first time I apologised to Howard was something which still made me wince. The problem was that the only thing either of us had to eat was a high calorie liquid, of which they had tons. There were also some flavourings, but after two years they were getting old in every sense. Some of the other recruits had talked about the other option. Goat.

Not all of Howard’s tendrils grew properly, or could be directed to an open area of the asteroid. I was supposed to try my best to find a use for them, otherwise I was to surgically remove them and put them into the waste hopper, which would, organically of course, try and recover as much food value as possible. Or, one could, well, eat it.

Problem number one with eating Howard, apart from the fact he was my best friend, was that I wasn’t really supposed to use any heat sources in the cave. Sure I was many feet under, but the theory was that if I didn’t make any additional heat, then there was no way it could leak out. Still, there were a few ways. If nothing else I could use the hot side of the waste recovery tank.

The second problem was the lack of any utensils apart from the surgical scalpel. Howard was pretty tough, and my teeth and jaws hadn’t been getting much of a work out. Still, I managed to cut the excess tendril into chunks. I felt so guilty. In fact, in the end, I just put them into the waste hopper, and I spent an hour apologising to Howard. It’s not that he’d have missed the tendril, I’d just been worried I might like it too much, and then I’d have been doing much more maintenance on Howard than was really appropriate.

“You men, will be the first warning of danger for the human race.”

I don’t know why there weren’t any women, perhaps they were being trained in a separate facility?

“The great sacrifice you are making will be valued by everyone on the planet.”

I hadn’t realised I was making a big sacrifice, and I really wasn’t sure that anyone else knew or gave a damn. The graduation, that’s what they called it, carried on in a similar vein, with me adding silent commentary. Simmons had disappeared so I didn’t have anyone to whisper to.

The last time I saw Simmons was during a practice run.

“This suit is disgusting.”

“It’s a living creature. It will form a symbiosis with you, keep you warm and safe. It will be your second skin for your sleep out and back, and the three years you are active. Trust me, you will get used to it.”

“Notice he isn’t wearing one,” I whispered to Simmons, who just cracked a small smile.

The instructor ignored us and went on.

“It will provide insulation, it will protect you from radiation and it will, if necessary, keep you alive for up to two weeks in hard vacuum without additional tanks. It is a miracle of modern gengineering.” He paused for effect. “Within a couple of days you won’t even notice it.”

We all stared at the giant jelly baby like blobs on the floor. They looked as if they’d been attacked by equally gigantic slugs. The thought of putting one of them on was revolting.

One of the cockier recruits stepped forward and started putting his on, to groans and commentary from everyone else. The instructor started chivvying the rest of us along and soon we all were wearing them, all except Simmons. He couldn’t touch it. Even with the instructor screaming at him. He wouldn’t, or couldn’t perhaps, explain why he felt such terror towards the suits. He was taken off the program and moved to a support role.

After that day we lived in the suits. They made us into clumsy marshmallow men, but we were assured that with practice we’d soon get used to them. To be fair, I haven’t been cold since that day. They recycled our urine into drinkable water, and our other waste was dried into pellets which we could easily put into the waste hoppers.

Howard couldn’t move. He was more of a plant than an animal in that sense. Occasionally, when I was bored, I’d taunt him.

“Not much of a goat are you Howard? Can’t see you leaping from boulder to boulder in that shape. You need to get some exercise mate.”

He just stared at me, with his single eye. I’d let one grow in our living cave. Strictly against orders, but after what might have been two years I didn’t really care.

I always felt guilty after I’d been mean, so I’d read to him. We hadn’t been allowed to bring any electronics. Nothing which might have any form of EM signature at all. But we did have quite a large weight allowance. I used mine on books. And a ‘Go’ set. Half the books were favourites I’d happily read again, and the other half were new to me. Five hundred books. I hoped I wouldn’t have to re-read them more than once each before I was recovered.

One morning Howard’s warning screen lit up. It wasn’t really a screen of course. Our instructors called it a luminescent biological dot matrix light communicator. Simmons, who’d still been with us, tried to explain it.

“Look, you know that it’s part goat, part squid and some other stuff right? Well you know squid can change their skin colours?” I didn’t, but I nodded anyway.

“What they’ve done is sort of wired up the brain bits of the squid which could do that, to an organ which will grow mostly flat, and be able to produce luminous dots. These will then be used to spell out messages.”

“Such as ‘Maaaaaaa’.”

“Funny.”

Gallows humour had set in. We thought that we were the first soldiers in the war. In earlier times we might have been called cannon fodder.

“But really, things like, enemy detected and then the coordinates. Our job is to then double check the coordinates before sending the signal back to Earth. If possible we should gather data on size, quantity etc. But reading between the lines, the warning will be enough.”

I miss Simmons. At least I have Howard though.

The morning the screen lit up I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. Was he telling me there was a space invader nearby? I walked towards the screen with not a little trepidation. It said, “Go. Please. Black. 4, 4.”

It didn’t make any sense! Was it telling me there were 44 ships? Or 8? Where did it want me to go.

I looked around our tiny space in confusion, until I saw that Howard’s eye had moved a little, and now was hanging above my Go board. He must have been watching when I played myself. I often described my moves, and created characters. I tried not to be biased in who I let win. Now Howard wanted to play.

I didn’t recall anything about this from my long ago training. I wasn’t sure how long, because they wouldn’t let us bring any timekeeping devices, too much metal apparently. There were no days, and I had deliberately not marked the walls, I didn’t want it to feel like a prisoner.

Still, was this allowed? Howard repeated his message, and then said, “Howard beat you.”

That was it; I wasn’t going to allow this jumped up semi-goat squid taunt me. We set to.

He wasn’t very good. He’d watched a lot, but didn’t really know the rules. But I taught him, and eventually he was good enough to beat me. He would write, “Howard beat. Howard beat.”

The whole screen would go green and then pink as he celebrated. I didn’t like losing, but I did like the challenge.

He’d also ask me to read to him, so I did. My reading light was bioluminescent, and they’d done something to make my eyes more sensitive to light.

That’s how we lived. Howard and I. Our dark little hole was home. It was a natural crevice in the asteroid, we’d been careful to avoid anything artificial. It was long and narrow, with only a small bulge to form the main room. But it was ours. The supplies were in another cave further along the asteroid, with a small fissure connecting it to our cave and I’d put in a set of organic pumps so that I didn’t need to go out whenever I wanted dinner. We had lots of food supplies. Much more than I had expected. They’d explained it away as preparing supplies for the next man. Now I wasn’t sure.

The constant dark should have intimidated me, crushed my spirit maybe. Instead it felt like comfort. Whenever I wanted to see light I’d climb up to the surface, and watch the stars. They were so bright, and beautiful. They’d make me cry, partially in wonder, and partially due to my now super sensitive eyes.

Time rolled on. Howard started beating me consistently at Go, and then started letting me win occasionally. We made quite the odd couple. I kept time by my books, a complete cycle being when I’d read all those I was happy to re-read. Some 423 books.

Had Earth forgotten me? Was it still there, or had the invasion come from another angle? I stopped worrying about these unanswerables, and let myself get lost in my books, or playing Go.

This morning my vigil ended. Howard had a message.

“Multiple objects sighted. Angle 134.34 to 156.02. No Go.”

No Go indeed. I had to get to the surface to check the sighting, but I had to do it taking advantage of the asteroid’s spin, and then hiding in one of the prepared hides. I checked the rotation schedule, and got ready to go out.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been out. Possibly one book cycle ago. I looked out, and shut my eyes from the brightness. I was facing the sun, and even though it was just a dot from here, it was still extremely bright. I felt my way out, and crawled to the hide. It was really just a hole with a stone grill above it, but it in theory would allow me to look out without being spotted.

The asteroid spun, and the region of space Howard had identified came into sight. Normally there were stars galore, instead it was black. There was nothing. I’d have thought I’d gone blind, except around the edges I could see the occasional star. Whatever was approaching it was large.

Why had Howard waited until they were upon us before telling me? I wondered if he’d been concentrating so much on our Go games that he’d forgotten his job. I didn’t think it would be fair to castigate him, he was, after all, just a goat.

I watched the edges of the blackness, and over time caught movement of entities leaving and re-joining. In the faint starlight I strained to make out their shapes. Eventually I was convinced they looked like the craft which had attacked Istanbul. This was it. This was the invading host we all feared, and if it reached Earth unchecked, then it would obliterate the planet.

I was supposed to signal Earth to tell them that something was coming, and give basic details. This was via a system of flares which I could set off on the Sun-facing side of one of the static asteroids. I just needed to get across to it and pull the appropriate cords. It was close enough that I could jump across, and back again. Hopefully unseen, though the aliens might investigate the source of the flares, and find me. It wouldn’t matter as the message would be flying towards Earth at lightspeed, and my mission would be complete.

I asked Howard where the asteroid was as I couldn’t see it where I thought it should be.

“Flare Asteroid is 400km distant now. Drift after collision. Many kms per book cycle.”

Disaster. How could I warn Earth? I sat in the bulge, staring at Howard’s screen in despair. Until I wondered to myself, perhaps he could help me? He was clearly intelligent.

“How do we tell Earth Howard?”

“Tell what?”

“That the invaders are coming.”

Silence. I tried asking the question in different ways. Eventually he answered.

Boris flew to the meeting tree looking somewhat bedraggled, and down in the feathers. He’d clearly had a bad day.

“Hey Boris. Tough day?”

“Oh, hi Tony, you said it.”

Now my job as the Magpie barman is to serve the drinks and listen to the stories. Occasionally I offer some advice, but my days of flying Informational Magics is long gone, and most of the chicks they send out these days seem to ignore me.

I lined up a stiff drink for Boris and said, “Do you want to talk about it?”

It was clear he didn’t, but then he shrugged his wings and took a long drink of his drink and said, “You know how some days if it can go wrong?”

“Oh yes. Saw a single one today did you?”

I was joking of course, Magpie magic doesn’t work on Magpies, something I’ve always thought is vaguely ironic.

“Ha, almost as if I had done. My day started with an easy one. I needed to get a farmer to see me. He’s going to get some bad news from his girlfriend it seems. Farmers are easy I thought to myself, wait until they’re out into a field, and then, you know, pop up. He conveniently headed out, and so I flew along. Nothing, he was looking at his phone I think.”

“Bloody things have made it harder than in my day, and no mistake.”

“You said it Tony. You couldn’t line me up another?”

I watched him finish the first as I poured the second. I hoped he wasn’t going to drink too much, I’d struggle to carry him off this tree at the best of times, but my right wing has been giving me shooting pains when I extend it recently.

“Where was I?”

“Farmer. Phone.”

“Yeah, so I had to get over the other side of town for my next job, and I was running out of time, so I popped up again. The farmer looks up.”

“Job done?”

“I hadn’t spotted him, but Douglas was flying across the field, on his way to his first gig of the day. Blam, we’ve now given the farmer Joy.”

“Oh, well, could be worse.”

“I know, but now I’m the one who has to go and give his girlfriend Sorrow, because her dream job evaporated and she’s staying with her farmer boyfriend. Sucks for her.”

“Mmm.”

“Now of course, I’m running late, so I wing it straight over. I reckon I can get away with it, so I cut over the Grey woods.”

“The ones with the footpath?”

“Yeah.”

“Risky.”

“At that time of day I figure it’ll be fine. I was wrong. A couple going for a mid-morning walk. Blam they get some Sorrow. Their car engine’s blown. Then a man walking his dog, more Sorrow. He’s going to get an unexpected, and wrong, gas bill, but it’ll take three months for him to clear it up.”

“Ouch. You speak to Control about doing some reverse work?”

“You seen them recently? Something strange is going on, they’re planning a load of Secret raids.”

“Awful tricky to pull off they are.”

It’s difficult to get seven of us in one place where a human can see, and count, all of us before we have to move on. Anything getting in the way can turn it into something else, and I hated doing them when I was still in the field.

I went on, “I was involved in one of those once, we ended up giving three Silvers and one Gold before we hit it properly. Control was mighty angry.”

“Well they’re so angry already, I wasn’t going to ask them to allow three Joys just to fix my mess up.”

“Fair.”

“I get to the meeting place, expecting Steph and Jon, and you know what?”

“What?”

“Bloody Yanis turns up.”

“Oh he’s alright…”

“Maybe, but suddenly the Girl we’re announcing turns into a Boy. Then while I’m remonstrating with him another couple come along. Now by this point Jon’s off, but they get a Girl, and they weren’t expecting anything if you know what I mean.”

“A bad day and a half. Have another.”

His second had gone almost as fast as the first, but he sipped the third a bit more cautiously.

“Next few gigs went ok, but I couldn’t help feeling the day wasn’t done with me yet.”

“No?”

“No. My last couple of gigs were over by Westfield farm, you know at the edge of our territory.”

“Bordering the Greenlark mob?”

“Yeah. Bloody amateurs.”

“So I hear.”

I didn’t tell him my mother had been a Greenlark. When I was a chick we’d been on best of terms with them, but last couple of years there’d been some bad blood. Accusations of stealing of missions and suchlike.

“Well I was there to do a Sorrow and a Joy, with Steph again. I like her, real professional. Always on time, flies low, can disappear into anything. Easy to work with.”

He was smiling in such a way that I imagined he wanted a little more time with Steph. He was quiet for a bit.

“You were saying…”

“Yeah, sorry. Steph. She turns up as expected, and we’re about to do the double.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah, the dossier on these two said they were inseparable, but that the man always looked round to the right when they got into a new field. Steph and I were prepped. The humans climbed into the field and we popped up. At the same time some bloody Greenlarks are having a fight with a murder on the border of the land. All sorts of squawking and whatnot.”

“Not good.”

“Not good? Disaster. She gets the Joy and he gets the Sorrow. Her premium bond numbers come in and his ankle gives way. Doesn’t seem fair.”

“It’s not about fair. At least they didn’t see the Greenlarks.”

“True. And I think Steph blamed me, though she didn’t say anything. Just a bit off.”

“I’m sure she understands, we’ve all been there.”

At that point one of Control’s messengers turned up.

“Oi, Boris, get over to Control. They need you for a Secret.”

“I’ll be there in two ticks.”

The messenger looked like he was going to argue, but then just flapped off, making a deliberate show of his whites.

“Bloody showoffs, think they’re better than us cos they do the planning.”

“It’s a tough job.”

“Yeah, whatever. Not sure what the point of a Secret is, I mean they never tell us what it is anyway.”

“Um.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know that’s the point.”

Boris slurped the last of his drink and then headed off, waving his wings a little unsteadily.

I watched him depart and thanked my stars I wasn’t out there anymore. I’d enjoyed spreading Joy and announcing the little ones. But the Sorrow was always hard. I polished up the glasses and waited for my next customer.

Outsourcing has been much on my mind, and given the way the world is evolving, this may become more relevant…

Watchers

“Welcome to Singapore Mr Smythe, is this your first trip?”

“Ah thanks, no. I’ve been here a couple of times.”

“Excellent, if you’ll just follow me, we have a car waiting for us.”

Smythe followed the man, PK Kumar, through the glass doors of Changi Airport’s arrivals area and out into the smothering April heat. He could never decide which was worse, the heat or the humidity, either way he immediately felt even more sweaty and dirty than he had after landing from his twelve hour flight. The car was waiting, and stepping in Smythe felt blessed cool air. He sat down and waited.

After half a minute or so PK got into the car as well, and almost as soon as he’d closed the door the car pulled off.

“We’ve taken the liberty of booking you into the Ritz Carlton, a truly wonderful hotel.”

“Good, I’ve stayed there before.”

“Indeed, did you like it?”

“Yes.”

Smythe was not feeling very talkative, there was grit in his eyes and wool in his brain. He was also a little annoyed, he recognised this tactic. PK was a representative of Technology Control Systems, the company he was here to negotiate with. They should have just sent the driver, but by sending a clearly mid-level manager they were upping the stakes a little. The idea would be that in his weakened state he might let slip a few useful bits of information which would undermine his position.

“Mr Smythe, we’ve arranged your first meeting for 1100 tomorrow, as we thought this would give you time to settle in.”

“Thanks.”

His short answers were clearly starting to irritate PK, but the man was smooth, he’d give him that.

“I did wonder if you would appreciate company for dinner tonight, or indeed any other night?”

It was fairly clear what ‘company’ PK meant, and it would be another form of leverage. It seemed highly likely that any girl who was provided would be an employee, of some sort, in one of TechCon’s many enterprises.

“I’ll be fine.”

That was the last gambit, and the rest of the short journey passed in silence, if not entirely comfortably. At the hotel his bags were taken out of the car by the doorman, and realising he had a chance to ditch PK he held out his hand.

“Good to meet you Mr Kumar, until tomorrow.”

“Ah, yes, and you Mr Smythe. The car will be here at 1030.”

“Thanks.”

Without a glance back Smythe strode into the hotel. The change from cold through hot and back to cold again always made him feel a little strange, almost like he was getting ill, but he shook it off and headed to check-in.

An hour later he was relaxing in the large bathtub, looking out over Singapore and towards the sea. There was a knock at the door, and he shouted, “It’s open.”

His room service had arrived. She swayed into the bathroom and shed her robe, and slipped into the bath with him. When he said he’d be fine, he meant he knew how to provide for his own entertainment.

#

The next morning he had breakfast sent up, and after a bit more fun he sent his room service away, with some extra cash and a confirmation of a return that evening. He felt much sharper today, and he dressed appropriately. He knew it was going to be tricky to get the services they needed within the budget he had, but he was confident he could achieve it.

The car delivered him to another glass-clad building, but instead of dropping him at the front it went underneath the building. When he got out of the car, bracing for the wall of heat, it was actually still fairly cool. He noticed there were blowers either side. Whenever someone arrived the blowers would be triggered a few moments before they arrived to provide a cool channel for them to walk through. He nodded appreciatively and entered the door.

“Good morning Mr Smythe.”

“Good morning Mr Kumar, I must apologise if I was a little short yesterday. I was somewhat tired after my flight.”

There was a slight pause before PK responded, “Of course, not a problem, and please do call me PK. I’m one of several Kumars here, but the only PK. So far.”

Smythe smiled. PK led him to a conference room. It could have been anywhere, and Smythe wondered why he’d had to fly to Singapore to be treated to the same grey walls, wood veneer table and strangely uncomfortable chairs he could have experienced in the London office.

There were five people in the room waiting for him. PK introduced them, but Smythe concentrated on the two men in the centre, Kalyan Rai and Sunil Rao, who were clearly the decision makers.

“Mr Smythe, welcome to our offices, can we show you the presentation of the services we’re offering…”

“No, I’ve seen the presentations, and I’m aware of the services. My employers are keen that we get the right level of service for the price. Our intention is to start with a limited contract, and then we will review again before full roll out.”

His intention was to put them off their game by cutting through the formality, but Kalyan Rai was unfazed.

“It is much easier when cards are on the table. We will be honest, a yearlong limited contract is not a priority for us. It represents a large investment for an uncertain return, after all you might choose to go with one of our competitors. We want to know what would be required for the first phase of a full roll out.”

Smythe had been worried that this was where it might go. Head office had given him authority to agree to a first phase, but he was very uncomfortable with the responsibility. The sums involved were large, and if anything went wrong he was quite sure he’d be hung out to dry.

“Are you capable of running a first phase?”

“Of course.”

He needed some evidence from them, what could he ask for? Before he could think of something Sunil Rao said, “Mr Smythe, can we demonstrate the efforts of one of our teams?” He gestured towards the screen on the wall.

“Please.” It would give him time to think.

“This is the team.”

The screen showed four people, two men and two women. They were all smiling rather cheesily.

“They have been tasked with eight subjects for the last three months. Here is their report on one of the subjects. They used only data feeds available within the contract, no additional cameras or physical devices were used, so this is a like for like representation.”

Photos started to flash up on screen with commentary. There was a picture of Smythe in his flat. Then leaving, getting a cab.

“The subject was two hours and seventeen minutes early for his flight. He spent an hour of this in the bar where he drank seven gin and tonics and spoke to five other passengers, all female. One of them appeared to give him her number, but a separate check confirmed that this was in fact the number to her ex-boyfriend. Further details on both the woman and her ex-boyfriend have been stored.”

The film continued, at first Smythe was amused, and then bored. When they started showing footage of his activities the night before he became annoyed.

“Now really, this is unreasonable, you have no right…”

“Actually Mr Smythe, we checked with your manager at the ministry, and he was happy for us to track you as a test run. He asked that we send him the full file once we’d shared it with you.”

Smythe nearly choked. It was unlikely the ministry would be happy with where he was staying, but they’d have to do something about his use of professional entertainment. These bastards had him, and they knew it.

“Fine. That’s all very well, but that doesn’t prove you can do the job.”

The men around him just smiled, and the screen in front of him split into eight. The same type of analysis was shown of seven other people, including his brother, his parents, his next door neighbour and two old school friends. The last person was someone totally unknown to him.

“These were all tracked by this one team. They were operating at five percent capacity. Here are the cost estimates.”

Sunil Rao pushed a folder over to Smythe, he started to read it. At first he was still numb from the implied threat, but then as he read further he became more confident that this might actually work out.

“You can really commit to these prices?”

“Yes.”

“Where are your personnel based?”

“Eighty percent are in India, that’s how we keep our costs down. Some are here, and some will need to be in your offices, to ensure access to the various data feeds, and help manage the overall contract.”

“That sounds reasonable.”

“One of our sister companies provides the IT systems for most of your police and internal security forces, so we will be able to automatically pull in any additional feeds those groups make available. We will also route all suspicious activity, with appropriate evidence, to those groups. That comes without additional cost.”

Despite himself Smythe nodded appreciatively. Then trying to get the upper hand, he asked another question.

“Phase one anticipates eighty percent coverage of high risk subjects, with nearly thirty percent coverage of the population.”

“We are aware of that. At this point we have enough staff to take on half of that, and can ramp up to full capacity within six months.”

The numbers had started to overwhelm Smythe.

“But, but that means you have fifty thousand trained people already waiting?”

“Yes. We’re committed to this contract. If you approve it, and the subject names are passed through to us, we can provide the first detailed reports within six weeks, and then every week thereafter we will provide updates.”

Smythe marvelled. Back at Security HQ he’d wondered how they’d ever track three million people in phase one, let alone the rest. They’d always joked that they’d need to employ half the population to watch the other half. The solution was obvious, instead they’d use someone else’s population to watch the whole of theirs. He was confident that after phase one they’d expand it, and very soon they’d have the country covered.

He smiled, and said, “Mr Rao, this seems excellent, however there is the little matter of my personal files?”

“I’m sure we can edit them appropriately.”

“In that case, I have the authority and if you can provide the contracts I’ll be happy to sign them.”

I think we all outsource bits of our lives, and I wondered how far it might go?

Outsourcing

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for our guest of honour, Mr James Forbes, the leading light of the modern era.”

The room erupted in cheers and clapping, and a tall, austere looking man walked to the podium. His measured stride ensured he reached the stage while the applause was still loud, and was positioned behind the podium just as it was starting to die down.

He brushed his once brown fringe to one side in a characteristic motion which energised the crowd again. How they loved him, and even with his hair now almost white, they could still picture him as the winsome youth he’d once been.

“It is an honour to be with you, and for the first time in my life, to have you all in the same room.”

More cheers. He let it run again, and then his face became sombre, the gathered guests at once responded.

“There are those who couldn’t make it today, but we have their images up there on the memory wall, so they could be present in spirit.”

There were sighs at this thoughtfulness, and many looked at the wall, remembering those who’d been lost along the way.

He turned on his thousand watt smile and the room forgot about the dead, and turned once more back to him.

“But now it’s time to talk about me, and all that you’ve done to help me.”

More cheers.

“Dennis over here, has, as ever, provided me with a script.” He favoured the man who’d introduced him with a kindly smile.

“He assures me that he originally wanted to mention every single person in this room, but when he timed the speech, it came to 74 hours. And that was without toilet breaks.”

He delivered the line completely dead-pan. There was a pause and then the room erupted with laughter. He’d always been able to work a crowd, with Dennis’ coaching of course.

“So instead I’m going to talk about my successes, and how you’ve helped.”

There was a hush as they waited, each hoping they’d been mentioned, and hanging on his words.

“I was very successful at school, in part due to Thomas Greenwood, yes stand up Tommy, who did my exams, and Philip Pulling, who represented me at football.” He paused while the two men stood up and bowed to all around them.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask that you stand up and nod quickly when mentioned, to give us any chance of that toilet break I saved from Dennis’ machinations.”

Quiet reigned again.

“With my grades, and football scholarship, I attended a select college where Tommy once more excelled at my exams. Poor Philip tore a hamstring, so was replace by William Turbot, who unfortunately can’t be here today. However when he was representing me, he managed to get me all the way to the finals, and scored the winning goal on my behalf.”

Cheers, which he let run for a while.

“Now with a college degree, and in excellent fitness it was time for me to get a job.”

He looked a little put out, and was greeted with the obligatory groans, and a few wry smiles.

“My career strategists, Harriet and Joyce, there you are, advised me to become a lawyer, and they selected Mr Bryce Jones for the early part of my career. He ensured I excelled at law school, and landed a job at the top law firm in the country, before getting me through my training and setting me up for a decent run at partnership. He handed the baton to Pete here who got me through to become the youngest ever partner at the law firm.”

He leaned down and put his arm around another white haired man who was sitting next to him, looking a little confused, but smiled when he saw who was hugging him.

“All that hard work, just to get me to the bottom rung of partnership, and that’s when my strategists had an idea. We decided to play it a little dirty. So Jonathan was brought in to be me. There he is the old dog. He slept with other partners, or their partners…” an appreciative laugh. “… whatever was necessary to secure my advance, and knock out the competition. I won’t lie, we had fun, but it was perhaps the least savoury time of my life.”

Hush.

“And then I met darling Alice, the love of my life.”

Alice stood up, still beautiful despite her advancing years, and smiled her quirky, knowing smile.

“Jonathan stepped out, and Russell stepped in. As me he married Alice, and fathered our first child, young Jeffrey. Sadly he became confused about his role and we had to let him go, and Jimmy stepped in. He went on to father Paul and little Thesia. Not so little now.”

He smiled at his daughter who barely managed to smile back. She had been lucky enough to get many of her mother’s looks, if not her sunny temperament.

Dennis tapped him on the arm.

“Ah yes, sorry, my tempo is off. So many faces from the past, all those who made my life what it was. While the family life was going well, my professional career peaked, when I was made head of the firm. George Dancing did the hard work, and I am forever in his debt. Though of course the work was its own reward, hey George?”

George nodded dutifully, and the room chuckled along.

“Here’s where the strategy changed, and the answer was politics. We felt there’d been enough time since my Jonathan phase, and we’d managed to buy off or get something on everyone affected. I was squeaky clean, had three wonderful children, and a beautiful wife. I was made for politics. My early career, as a senator, was handled by Grace Riely, the first time I’d been a woman, but she was so talented we knew it would work, and it did. Her schmoozing, and backroom deals, meant within two terms I was the only real candidate for the highest job in the land. President!”

Clapping and whoops greeted this, much as they had when he’d been elected.

“Two terms, the first performed by Grace and the second by Adam, and my legacy was secure. It was time to retire.”

They all knew his story, so they knew that wasn’t the case, but he held them there for a little while.

“But with the success we had, I knew there was more, so I ran for Secretary General of the UN. Edmund Chung represented me, and as the first American SecGen, I set about changing that institution. Under my tenure, aided by Ken Ho who took over from Edmund for my third and fourth terms, that institution became more than a talking shop, it became the most important global force. A nascent government in all but name!”

They were on their feet now, he’d got to his true triumph, the one they’d all helped to bring about. The clapping and feet stamping went on for quite a while.

Time to wind them down.

“Since then, well, I’ve played golf,” he nodded at Guy, “a bit of tennis,” a wink at Tony, “and spent time with my wife.” He air punched Jimmy gently.

He smiled again, electrifying the room and they all went wild. The cheering might have continued for a while except they noticed that someone was doing a slow clap. Silence rippled out from Paul, the great man’s son until the only sound was the slow clap, clap from one of the two men who now walked towards the platform.

Until they stopped and the one who had been clapping said, “I have a question father.” There was a slight emphasis on father.

Favouring first the clapper, and then his son with a smile he said, “Yes Paul?”

“What have you,” he pointed accusingly at the titan, “ever actually done?”

For the first time Philip Forbes looked confused as if he really couldn’t understand the question. Then he smiled, “I recognise you now, sorry Albert, you’re my son’s troublemaker aren’t you?”

The young mine nodded, but maintained his grumpy air. The room let go a collective breath they hadn’t realised they’d been holding, it was all going to be fine.

Philip answered his son, “And to answer the question Paul, I did all that I wanted to, I just outsourced the rest.”

I have been tempted on a number of occasions to get a virtual personal assistant. Life is so complicated these days that having someone help would be awesome… and it got me thinking…

Personal Assistant

“George, I wanted to thank you so much for your recommendation, Subrah has simply changed my life!”

“Um, Subrah?”

“My virtual personal assistant. You sent me a mail recommending I get one, I think it was last month.”

“I don’t think I did.”

“You did.”

“Look Doris, I really don’t think…”

“Here it is.”

She passed him her phone, and there, quite clearly was an email from him, suggesting she get a virtual personal assistant and suggesting a particular company, whose name he recognised. Except he knew he hadn’t written it.

“Ah, yes. Sorry Doris, my mind’s going. There’s been a lot going on, what with moving house and all.”

Looking at him sceptically she shook her head.

“George, George. Maybe you should get one of these assistants. You might be forgetting to do important things.”

“I tried it Doris, but it just didn’t work out for me. I’m glad it is for you.”

“Oh he’s quite amazing. I didn’t think someone sitting thousands of miles away could help me so much. He filters my email, he’s got all my passwords set up, he found me a new online stockbroker, and then there’s this diet he found for me. It’s amazing, all green food one week, all red the next…”

George tuned her out. Once she started talking about a diet she couldn’t stop, it was the same when she had been a teenager. He loved his sister, but being able to tune her out was a survival skill. He wondered how that email could have been written. Had someone hacked his email account? He didn’t think it was possible, after all he was the only person who knew the password, and it was a nice long one. That was one thing Vipal had done for him, he’d taught him to use long passwords. Wait, did Vipal know the password as well? Of course he did, George had given them all to him, and hadn’t quite managed to get round to changing them. Had Vipal hacked into his account and sent recommendation emails?

“Sorry to interrupt you Doris, I’ve just remembered an important meeting. I must dash.”

“Oh George, this is why you need an assistant.”

“Perhaps, got to run, I’ll text you.”

He headed back towards his office, and dialled the direct number for Vipal.

“Mr George, I believe you said you no longer wanted our services.”

The Mr George was a joke based on his love of the Simpsons. He wasn’t finding it funny anymore.

“I know Vipal, but I wanted to know why you were sending emails claiming to be from me recommending the services of your company.”

“Now Mr George, you know you agreed to send some recommendation emails as part of the original deal. That’s how you could afford our VIP price plan. You have excellent connections.”

“Yes, but I didn’t send it!”

“Of course you did. It came from your account.”

“But you wrote it.”

“I merely helped you do the needful.”

George was remembering why he quit the service. He could never win an argument with Vipal. Which was the reason he was wearing Calvin Klein jeans, despite his hatred of brands, especially slightly faded ones, and jeans.

“Yes, right, thanks. That’s to be the last thing though. I shall be changing my password.”

“Of course Mr George. Don’t forget you have an appointment with the dentist this afternoon at four o’clock.”

“What? I don’t have an appointment…”

“It is your annual check-up.”

“Ah, thanks. But that’s it.”

“Of course Mr George. Have a good day.”

George looked at his phone in some consternation. He was confused. Had he managed to actually fire Vipal? But also, how was he going to survive? He’d never have remembered to book the dentist. They’d probably sent reminders, but he was very good at not seeing them. No, he wanted control of his life. He’d just have to be firm with Vipal next time they spoke.

He thought Janice would probably laugh at him again. She still had her assistant and loved her. He’d told her last week that he was firing Vipal and she’d said she couldn’t survive without the support, and he just needed to relax.

Now that he thought about it, he’d only met Janice because of Vipal. The assistant had signed him up to that online dating service, Partners he thought it was called. To be honest he’d been quite annoyed at first, but Vipal had done everything. Just told him where and when to meet the dates. Janice wasn’t the first match, and he’d been a bit unsure at first, but they’d kept having dates. Then Vipal and Asha, Janice’s assistant, had synced up their diaries, and here they were, nice and happy.

Except he wasn’t happy. Hadn’t been happy. Maybe he was happier now. Since he’d fired Vipal he’d been able to sleep properly. A black cloud had lifted, and yet today it had returned. He needed to get rid of his assistant properly. After the dentist appointment though. Mind made up, he headed towards the station.

As he walked he realised he’d never be able to fire Vipal with a direct conversation and he was just wondering how to get to Vipal’s supervisor when he bumped into someone.

“Why don’t you watch where you’re going, you st…”

He’d bumped into a very pretty girl, and suddenly realised he knew her.

“Philippa?”

“George.”

Very cold response.

“Ah, how are you?”

“Fine, no thanks to you.”

“What?”

“Look, I’m not going to stand here chatting to a bloke who stood me up, multiple times, and has just nearly knocked me to the ground.”

She started to stalk off.

“Wait a second, you stood me up! That time at Da Vinci’s, I was there for two hours.”

“What are you talking about George? We never agreed to meet at Da Vinci’s.”

“But Vipal said…”

“Vipal. Yes, your master.”

He thought he might be starting to understand, and he didn’t like the implications.

“Look Philippa, I’m really sorry. I think the whole virtual assistant thing was a mistake. I’ve got rid of Vipal, can I take you for a coffee?”

Her head had turned away from him, but she stopped and slowly looked at him again. He could see the tears starting in her eyes, and her desperation to stop them flowing.

“One coffee George.”

They sat quietly over their coffees. He wasn’t sure how to begin, but she started.

“What hurt most was that you just sent text messages. It was always something about work, or another idiotic excuse.”

“I don’t think I texted you, I never use work as an excuse.”

Not least because he didn’t work that hard.

“You said that, and yet your texts contradicted you.”

“Could you show me the texts?”

She stiffened. “What makes you think I still have them?”

“Ah, I just hoped. Look, here is my text history with you.”

He turned his phone to her.

“You kept them? Really?”

He didn’t want to tell her that he just never deleted anything.

“Of course, I was kind of hoping to see you again.”

Thoughts of Janice flashed in his head, but this was about finding out what was happening in his life, and nothing else.

“Me too. Here, I kept all your texts. Even the ones where you were being a total bastard.”

He looked through the texts, and then at his phone. More than half the texts didn’t match up. It explained why some of her texts had made no sense. In fact his worries about her sanity had been one of the reasons he’d finally finished it with her.

“I didn’t write these texts Philippa. In fact, I think it was Vipal.”

“Your assistant? Oh George, can’t you just be a man and admit your own mistakes.”

He could hear the tears coming back, and she was reaching over to collect her things when he touched her arm.

“No really, I discovered today that he’d been writing emails from my account, recommending the services of his company.”

“But, can he do that?”

“He has. I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Why did he send these texts then? Why did he want to get rid of me?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps if you had an assistant we could ask them?”

She looked pensive, and opened her mouth to say something, before closing it.

“What?”

“Well, it’s just, I was offered a free trial of a virtual assistant just after we started going out. I said I didn’t need one. They became quite insistent, and it wasn’t until I threatened to go to the authorities that they stopped. I was going to tell you about it…”

“But about that time I started to stand you up.”

“Yes.”

“Look Philippa, I think I need your help. You had a lucky escape, but I think I’m trapped…”

“There you are. And who is this?”

“Oh, Janice, hi. This is Philippa, I bumped into her in the street.”

“Really. Well that’s enough of that, we are supposed to be having coffee. Come along. Nice to meet you Phyllis.”

Janice seized his arm possessively and started to move away. He tried to say goodbye to Philippa, but was swept along by Janice.

“Now George, we’re going to have a lovely coffee, and a nice slice of cake, and not talk about what just happened.”

They had lunch and George went to his dentist appointment in a daze. They told him he’d need some work done on his teeth, fillings and suchlike, and they’d organise the dates with his assistant. He just nodded.

He went into work and Peterson called him in for a meeting. He did like his boss, but he wasn’t quite sure he could cope with another telling off. There’d been a few of those in the last month. Without Vipal he was struggling to get to meetings and hit deadlines.

“George, please sit down.”

This did not bode well.

“Look, sir, if this is about this morning…”

“Call me Henry. No one calls me sir, it’s just so old fashioned. You’re a funny one.”

“Henry, about this morning…”

“Nothing to worry about old man. Didn’t want to talk about it. What I wanted to say was, congratulations, you’ve done it!

“What?”

“You old sneak you. I wondered why you’d become so flaky this last month, and now I find out you’ve done your certification and applied for a different job.”

“I did, I have?”

“Yes, the boys over in sector 7G are excited to have someone of your quality on board. They’ve never had someone get a hundred percent in the exams before.”

“Oh right, well you know.”

“And I wanted to apologise for being so rough on you recently, but if you’d just told me. Well I guess you were worried I might not want to lose you, but I’d have supported you all the way, and still will.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway, I just wanted to be the first to congratulate you. Now get over to 7G and see your new digs.”

“Ah.”

7G had been his dream when he’d started at the company. They did all the innovative stuff, but he’d been rejected. Ended up in one of the side areas, each day a little of his hope eroding away, and yet now, suddenly, he was in. But, well, it was obvious. It had been Vipal.

That night he sat in his kitchen staring at the phone on the table. He needed to call Vipal. He needed to be free. Yet, he looked around. It was a lovely flat. Vipal and Asha had found it for them, and it was a steal, though he and Janice could barely afford it. Except now he was going to be getting a bit more money so they wouldn’t have problems. Janice was lovely too. Perhaps not the type of girl he had imagined he’d end up with, but still, she was attractive, successful and everyone said they made a good couple. He stared at the phone again and realised he had no choice.

“Mr George, nice to hear from you.”

“Look Vipal…”

“Yes Mr George?”

He paused, and said, “Can you set up a surprise dinner with Janice? Somewhere nice? I need to tell her about my promotion. Also, can you find me an engagement ring, make sure the band is a little large so she has a reason to visit the shop and be pampered.”

“Of course Mr George. I will do the needful.”

#

“Mr George, there is an unscheduled entry in your diary.”

Vipal actually meant there was an entry in the diary which George had been foolish enough to put in himself. There was clear frustration in Vipal’s voice, like a master who wonders if his dog will ever be trained. George had been very good at following his assistant’s appointments for a few weeks now and Vipal had assumed George was properly settled.

“Oh yes Vipal, good morning. I must have forgotten to mention it to you.”

“Indeed Mr George. Shall I cancel it?”

“Oh no, it’s very important. It’s a conference call, and I’m keen that you join as well.”

“I always join Mr George, so I can keep a record for you.”

“I meant as a participant.”

“That is most irregular Mr George.”

“Yet still permitted?”

There was silence, and then Vipal said grudgingly, “Yes, Mr George.”

“Excellent. Let’s dial in.”

They hit the appropriate icons on their screens and waited a few seconds for the call to connect. They both appeared on the list of participants, and then a new person joined, called Prikesh. George thought he heard Vipal gasp.

“Morning George, Vipal.”

“Morning Prikesh,” said George.

Vipal said nothing.

“Morning Vipal,” repeated Prikesh.

“Ah morning Prikesh.”

“I’m glad you could both join. This meeting is to discuss resetting of relationships.”

“But Prikesh…”

“Vipal, this is for your own good. And don’t forget in ten minutes you have that call with the mechanic, so we do not have time to waste.”

“Yes Prikesh.”

If Vipal had been a dog, his tail would have been between his legs by this point.

“As I was saying. Relationship reset. Mr George has approached me and asked me to help him initiate a more freestyle programme. He understands that it will cost him the same amount, but that he will be receiving less service from you Vipal. He was lucky as we have just started a programme, initially aimed at our highest paying customers, but it is good to have a few other test subjects at the VIP level.”

“Ah…”

“I will transfer you the instructions for you to read in your next break, but in essence you will only provide him with support when he explicitly asks for it. He may ask you to add proactive services, but these must be on a case by case basis. Do you understand Vipal?”

“Yes.”

“Do you understand George?”

“Yes. Thank you Prikesh.”

“Good. I shall drop off the call and let you discuss it further, but your call with the mechanic is soon Vipal, I’ll leave a timer in your window. Also I’ve rearranged your lunch with Priyanka, you need more time to prepare for the group meeting this afternoon. She said she understood.”

Before Vipal could say a word in response Prikesh had dropped off.

George gave Vipal his first two tasks under the new arrangement. The first was to untangle his life from Janice, and the second was to find Philippa again.

“Of course Mr George. I will do the needful.”

“Thank you Vipal, and when you speak to Prikesh again, can you send my regards? I do think you are lucky to have such an excellent personal assistant.”

It’s been a while, not least because the world has been moving on apace, and I often feel out of sync with it. This story picks up on that vibe…

The Truth About God

“I’m Mike, and I’m the last person on the planet who believes in God.”

The room was silent for a while and then my-name-is-Alison-and-I’m-here-to-help said, “Mike, this is an alcoholics anonymous meeting, I’m not sure we’re equipped to deal with someone with such a… um… eccentric problem.”

I left before it got awkward. Or more awkward. I don’t try to proselytise, I never did. To everyone, Gods don’t exist. Why question that? Or the sun, or gravity, or evolution? I had an embarrassing insanity.

After the AA meeting I decided I needed a break. From people, from society. I would go into the hills, restore my faith, and return better able to face the looks of incredulity from my work colleagues, my now ex-friends. It was probably best my mother was dead. She’d bought Pascal’s line, and believed just in case. That’s not belief to me, but she’d have worried about me. At least someone would have.

The mountain was lovely. It was behind the wooden shack, and all around were trees. Going on and on. The brochure had mentioned wild animals, in a slightly cautious manner. I was excited about them.

I’d brought supplies. Food, water. Enough for a couple of weeks.

Each day I’d start by going outside and greeting the sun. I’d think that but for God’s grace I wouldn’t be able to, there would be no sun, no mountain for me. It felt hollow. I was starting to have a sneaking suspicion.

I read somewhere that for God to exist, people have to believe in him. If they stop believing, then, well, he just fades away. Or she. Either way, the divine entity is gone. Was my belief enough to sustain a being capable of creating the world in six days? I was mildly confident I could believe in a divinity who’d take the seventh day off.

At the end of the second week I walked out in the morning and greeted the sun, accepting it was only there because of physics. Complex physics yes, and we still haven’t worked out how Dark Energy works, but that doesn’t require belief, just observation and maths. I’d been the last believer. Now I was just like everyone else.

That day there was a knock at the door.

“Hello?”

“Hi, are you Mark? That believer fellow.”

“I am Mark.”

“Don’t believe any more?”

I paused. But then I knew saying it would be the final step of my freedom.

I wrote this when our girls were a bit younger, and the first part more or less describes one of my nights – though there were many similar ones. The commute after always made it a little more painful.

Stretched

“Wha.. what time is it?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get them, I need to get up soon anyway.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled as she drifted back to sleep. She could ignore the babies crying now that I was awake.

I looked at the alarm clock again, and then did a double take, it wasn’t five o’clock, it was three. This felt like one of those days.

If I was lucky it would only be one of them. I was lucky, so far. Mercey was screeching like a banshee but Clemmy was still snoring gently. It amazed me that they could sleep through a racket which actually hurt my head, but they’d never woken each other up.

Mercey had woken because of her nappy. Somehow she’d taken the healthy white milk we’d fed her, and turned it into a yellowy brown toxic sludge, which it was my unenviable duty to dispose of. I thought of waking Helen, but I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep with all the screeching anyway. When they were first born they’d been passive during nappy changes, now it was wriggle central. Normally I could control it, but in the blurry morning I failed. First she got hold of the nappy, and managed to drag it back over her, spilling its contents everywhere. Then, to cap it off, she peed all over the mat.

“Mercey my love, that wasn’t at all helpful now was it.”

She just stared at me. I wondered if she was laughing on the inside.

It took me twenty minutes to clean her, put a new nappy and baby grow on and get her settled with a bottle of milk. The milk was cheating, but I was really hoping she’d nod off again and I could grab another hour of sleep. Mercey, full name Mercedes Suzanne Harvey, was such a delight most of the time, none more so than immediately after a night time feed. She smiled and put her arms out for a cuddle. I held her in my arms, and wallowed in the joy of being a father, and with such a lovely little girl. She was tired, and didn’t fuss when I put her pack down. I looked over at Clemmy, still snoozing away, and I gently closed the door and walked back to bed.

My head had literally just touched the pillow when there was another banshee scream. I could have sworn Mercey was sleepy. Perhaps I’d rushed her? I needed to get to her before she went ballistic. Helen didn’t even grunt as I assured her all was under control and headed back to the baby. Except it wasn’t Mercey, it was Clemmy. Mercey was already sleeping quite happily. Clemmy’s nappy was if anything worse than Mercey’s. She didn’t pull the nappy away, which was good, but she did pee at just the wrong time, drenching the new nappy, her clothes and my arm as I tried, vainly, to control the flow. She too was happy when she had finished her milk.

“Clementine Julia Harvey, you are a pretty little girl, but it’s now sleepy time,” I whispered to her as I held her. Unfortunately, she disagreed. Whenever I put her down in her cot she started to cry, and cranked up the volume if I didn’t respond immediately. I knew I should let her cry for a bit, but it was so hard. The cries rasping across my nerves. I tried to explain to her why she needed to go to sleep.

“Clemmy darling, Daddy has to go to work today. It’s a big day as he’s meeting the boss to present next year’s budget, and he could really do with another hour’s sleep.”

Talking about myself in the third person was one of the many things I’d sworn never to do.

“Please Clemmy?”

Perhaps the desperation in my voice got through, because she calmed down and even let me put her in the cot. She looked up at me again and then rolled over, and was asleep before I put the light out. I checked on Mercey, she was still asleep, and I crept back to bed.

As I was about to slip into bed, the thought of resting my heading beguiling me, a loud screech filled the room. I stared about in bewilderment until I realised it was my alarm. Clemmy had taken all my remaining sleep time. I have to admit, part of me wanted to go downstairs and wake her up and keep her awake so she could see. I didn’t, not just because I’m not that cruel, and it would be self defeating as a tired Clemmy is not something I’d wish on anyone. It was also because I really did have a big meeting and I needed to get going.

I washed and showered in a zombie like state. Kissed Helen goodbye, not that she noticed as she was still enjoying her precious sleep before the morning feed and the beginning of the daily circus. Somehow, despite having woken up so early I was running late. Early morning traffic, something I’d always felt was an oxymoron, conspired to slow me down, and then the carpark was nearly full and I was forced to park miles from the station. I ran to the ticket machine. They’d recently put ticket barriers in so there was no longer the option to just jump on the train and buy a ticket, and I’d been caught out by that a couple of times.

As I neared the ticket machine a woman who was heading in that direction saw me and cut across my path. She then ambled to the machine. I wondered if I should push past her, after all I had my card and knew the dance so would be very quick. She got to the machine before the devil on my shoulder had won the argument. Our machines are not as slow as they used to be. Which is to say that they’ve replaced the clockwork with steam; but if you do the right things they take slightly less than a minute. I know, I’ve timed it. The woman did not know the dance, and managed to push the wrong buttons, put her card in at the wrong time which cause the whole transaction to cancel, and generally did her best to wind me up. She eventually got her tickets and ambled off, and it was my turn. Fifty-five seconds later I was heading for the barriers. As I got through my train pulled away.

Some days.

The guard nodded sympathetically at me, “Some days,” he said. I managed a weak smile before heading to the coffee place. I might as well grab one while I waited the half hour for the next train. The problem with living out in the sticks was that, well, I was out in the sticks. Transport was infrequent, people were slow, and there was an almost continuous smell of manure in the air. I mean it was a lovely laid back lifestyle.

They of course did not have decaf coffee, apparently they’d just run out. The man smiled an apology, “Some days.” Yes. I just wondered why every day was turning into one of them. So I had the hot chocolate, which would at least warm me.

We were the end of the line, which meant the train usually sat waiting for the next departure, which at this time of year meant a warm place to stay. Unfortunately it was delayed so I had to hang out on the platform, trying my best to get cover from the wind by leaning against the wall. The autumn breeze was tricky and vicious though, and kept finding me. In my rush to get out of the house I’d forgotten my coat, and the house was just far enough away that I couldn’t definitely get there and back before the next train.

“What ho!”

Oh dear lord, I thought to myself. It was Doug, in one of his Bertie Wooster moods.

“Hi Doug, how are you.”

“Damned tired if you must know. Had to get up before the sparrows today, got a big meeting up in the Big Smoke you see.”

Doug was some kind of City person. Lawyer possibly. He had told me, but I’d managed to forget.

“It is rather early I agree. You in for the whole day?”

“Oh no old chap, got lunch at the club, then back out for a quick round of golf with the father-in-law, got to keep the old man happy.”

If he’d been any more of a stereotype I’d have had to kill him. I shook my head at him.

“Please Doug, not today.”

“Sorry mate, what’s up, you look like death.”

“Got a meeting with Higgins today.”

“Oh right. Well if it makes you feel any better I really have meetings all day, not even a break for lunch, and there is a very faint hope I might get out before midnight. We’re allegedly signing today.”

“Thanks Doug, that does make me feel a little better.” It didn’t really, but at least he was trying. We’d gone to school together, but then he’d gone to a different, ok I’ll admit, better, university, and ended up a high flyer. I’d somehow ended up in the middle. Of everything, and it would appear an ever widening lake of poo.

“Cheer up, the weekend is only five working days away!”

Before I could think of a suitable reply the train had pulled in.

“See you sometime soon,” said Doug as he headed to the first class carriage. Just as he got to the door, he turned and said, “Toodle pip!” before laughing and getting in. Really, I could kill him sometimes.

I got on to the train, and headed for my favourite seat. It had extra leg room and a table for my laptop. Somehow, despite the fact that there’d been almost no one else on the platform, someone had taken my seat, and my second favourite too. I stared for a moment before sighing and heading towards one of the other seats. I’d arrive in London with back ache at the very least, but it was, just, better than standing.

My hour long train journey consisted of the usual joys. A large, and yet bony, man sat next to me and felt that he should have three quarters of my seat as well. He read a broadsheet newspaper and managed to cover half my laptop screen, and it was only after a few coughs and a couple of bumps that he moved across enough to allow me to continue to breathe. Then we had the loud and chirpy couple who had to share how great their lives were with the whole carriage. By the time I got to London I was desperate to get out of the terrible little box. Even if meant that I had to get the tube.

The tube ride was normal. By which I mean, crowded, smelly and unpleasant, but in a comforting London way. I arrived at work, fifteen minutes late, and with just five minutes to prepare for my meeting.

There was a note on my desk from my boss, “Come as soon as you get in!” Oh dear. As I got to his office his secretary looked at me sympathetically and said, “He wanted to move you forward half an hour to fit in a call with Asia. He’s on the call now, but based on his expression it isn’t going well.”

“Thanks.”

I sat, like a naughty school boy, on the chair outside his office. I never understood how they could make these chairs so uncomfortable. It was as if there was a special factory, somewhere in China probably, where they forced their designers to make torture chairs, and if there was the hint of comfort in them the designer would be taken outside and probably forced to sit in someone else’s bad chair so he’d get the idea.

“Come in.”

Damn he was grumpy. His secretary gave me another sympathetic smile as I followed him in. He pointed at the table.

“Don’t want to hear excuses. Tell me about next year.”

Excuses? Oh for being late. Right. I took a breath and started to give him my spiel on the departments future. We’d had a tough year, but we knew what we had to do, we were concentrating on quality, and we were going to invest in some new senior designers.

I was getting in to my pitch when I noticed his glower, and then he shook his head.

“No, no, no. You just don’t get it. Hopkins warned me, but I didn’t believe him.”

What? Hopkins, he was my number two. A bit young for the position, and wet behind the ears, but I had hopes of moulding him in a year or two. Why would he be talking to Higgins?

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand.”

“No Harvey, you don’t understand. The world has changed. Haven’t you noticed the recession? We’ve been in it for three years!”

“Yes sir, I have, which is why I think we should concentrate on the clients who want quality, they’ll stick with us.”

“We make a loss on every one of those clients! Sure, we used to make a profit, but with the time your team puts in, and the discounts we’ve had to give.”

“I did say the discounts…”

“Don’t interrupt me!” His voice was vicious. “If we’d not given discounts we’d have lost more clients. They’re the ones who pay us you know.”

I realised that there wasn’t anything I could say.

“Well, what are you going to do Harvey?”

“I don’t know sir, I guess I could look at the numbers again, maybe cut some of the hiring…”

He put his head in his hands.

“Look, Harvey, this world,” he indicated the office, I think, “is no longer the same. You don’t fit in to the new world.”

“What?”

“In the olden days I’d tell you I expected your resignation, but we aren’t allowed to do it that way anymore. I’ll speak to HR, and they’ll get on to you later today. Hopkins will help you pack up.”

I just stood there gaping. He shook my hand, wished my luck and more or less pushed me out of his office.

I went back to my own office, much smaller than my boss’s, but still an office, a space of my own, and closing the door, I sat down. I stared at the screen, unable to comprehend what had just happened. I stayed in that number state for weeks. The HR interview, redundancy package and everything else just flowed over me. I nodded, smiled even and signed whatever I was given, and started my gardening leave. Helen and I spoke, I’m sure of it, but I don’t really know what about. I even failed to enjoy my time with the twins, though fortunately they were too young to notice my distraction and seemed to view it as a further excuse to climb all over me.

Despite my fug I was counting the days till our money ran out. With my redundancy I could pay off our cards, which I thought would give us some space, but with what Helen earned as a primary school assistant, we couldn’t afford the bills, let alone the mortgage. I had to get a job.

I told myself it would be easy to get a new job. I told myself I’d never get a new job. The excuses came and went, and I just sat, staring at the TV until the twins cried, or Helen really pushed me. Eventually, with just weeks of money left I went to a recruitment consultant.

“Look mate, with your experience getting you a new gig is going to be easy.”

“Really?”

The shiny suited specimen in front of me had assured me that he was the best, that he cared about his clients, and that he had connections in all the right places. All I could think was that he looked about twelve, and that if he was my best hope, then perhaps I was in real trouble.

“Course mate, you can trust me. We’ll have to tweak your CV a bit.”

He paused, and said, “I also need to be honest with you. You’re not going to be getting a pay increase. If you were still in a job, then sure easy, but as you’ve been out of one for a few months I just won’t be able to swing it.”

I hadn’t even considered an increase. Suddenly I perked up a bit, if I could get a job at my old salary then we’d actually be ahead of the game, because all our card debts were now gone.

“Great, well I’m eager to get going.” And I was.

The first place I interviewed seemed to think I wanted a junior position. I soon disabused them of that notion, and they politely said they had nothing at my level. This was repeated a few times, until I realised that my shiny suited friend was just sending me to anything remotely covered by my CV and wasn’t even checking the level. We had some words. He apologised, said he was just finding the level and he’d sort me out. He was so thick skinned it was almost impressive.

Several more pointless interviews followed. Some were at my level, but they seemed to think I wouldn’t fit in, or that I lacked commercial experience. I explained about the importance of good service and craftsmanship. I came to recognise the slightly condescending expression which presaged rejection. One of them even tried to tell me that in this new world there wasn’t time for that, people just wanted enough to get by. I argued and told him that it was short termism and would cost more in the longer term. He looked at me, shook his head and said, “Most of them know they won’t be there in the long term, one way or another.”

They were right, I didn’t fit in. My fug returned.

Then I thought that maybe I could go it alone. A small scale company, dedicated to doing it properly. I would need some capital to keep me going for the first year or so while I got started, but I could see it, soon I’d be raking in the cash, stealing customers from my old firm. I went to a bank. They asked for a business plan. I gave them one. They didn’t laugh, but I think they were close. They tore it apart, nicely, and asked me to do it again. I did, but the numbers still didn’t add up for them. They tried to tell me that to make it work I needed to do more marketing, but that would mean less time for making the product, which meant either I had to charge more, or do a poor job. In the end I couldn’t get them to buy into it. The next bank were even less interested. I hit a new low.

“What is this!” I shouted, pointing at the large Amazon package.

Helen looked up, frowning at my volume.

“Shush, the girls are, finally, asleep.”

I didn’t care. I repeated my demand.

“It’s a present for the girls. They are going to be one next week.”

“Helen, I’ve told you, we can’t afford it. We can’t afford anything!”

The argument raged for a while. It ended with Helen almost screaming at me.

“I am doing everything I can, I’m even doing extra shifts, but as you have said to me oh so many times, I’ll never earn enough. Well then, you need to suck it in. You’re not a manager any more. You don’t have an office. You are nothing! If you don’t get a job soon we’ll have to sell the house, and then we’ll have nothing. Get a job. Anything. Otherwise I’m leaving.”

She stalked off, in tears, to try and comfort the girls who had woken up sometime during our fight.

I was beside myself. Who was she to say that to me? I had been supporting the family for years. Earning the money while she indulged herself with part time jobs and suchlike. I seethed. I had to get out.

I walked in to our little town. One street of shops, a couple of supermarkets and a farmers’ market every other Wednesday. The most exciting thing to happen recently had been the arrival of the Costa Coffee shop. By the time I got to the Costa my anger had drained completely and I realised what a fool I had been. I looked in to the window, almost pressing my nose to the glass like a boy at a sweet shop. I couldn’t afford a coffee.

I walked around for most of the afternoon, and a plan formed in my mind. I was going to get us out of our hole. First I had to apologise to Helen.

I got back home to the usual chaos, and inbetween changing nappies, feeding, bathing and bedtime I managed to grovel my way into forgiveness. It always amazed my how the babies could suck up time, but we’d become much better at having syncopated conversations while looking after them.

“So the plan is this. We sell the house. I get a temporary job until that’s done, and then I’ll start my own firm using our money instead of owing the bank. I’ll show them that craftsmanship is still needed.”

She looked at me and then hugged me. “It’s so good to have you back. It’s been dreadful living with a zombie these past months.”

“ A zombie? Like in Thriller.”

“Ha, no, not with your Dad dancing style!”

I laughed. It felt good to have a plan.

Helen rang the estate agency the next day, and I rang the temp agency. The estate agent came right round, a bad sign in retrospect as they clearly hadn’t anything to do. They hummed and harred and eventually gave us a price which would pay off our mortgage and give us a little profit. Enough to pay for rent for a year, and give me the capital to start a firm. I was disappointed that it wasn’t more, but it was still going to set us free.

The temp agency found me some work, and while it wasn’t enough on its own to pay the mortgage it would give us a bit more time. I even applied to work shifts at Costa.

The weeks passed. My temp work was mind-numbingly dull, and serving coffee wasn’t much more interesting. The girls were teething so sleep was a rare luxury, and Helen was back at school which meant that we were juggling the child care. Worse, we’d had one person to view the house and their only feedback had been that the rooms were the wrong shape. Really.

I was exhausted, and the money was still dripping away. We got the estate agent back to ask why the house wasn’t selling. It took them an hour to say it, but it came down to price. They wanted us to drop it, by twenty percent. They were certain they could sell at that. My heart sank. At that price we’d barely cover the mortgage, let alone have any left to live on or invest in my company. I almost screamed at them to get out, but managed to hold on long enough to see them to the door.

“Oh darling. It’s going to be alright.”

Helen’s words were the final straw. It wasn’t going to be alright. We were drowning and there was nothing going to save us. The anger began to bubble in me and I knew I had to get away. I just ran out of the door.

I walked and walked. The whole mess bearing down on me. It was all my fault. If I’d been more flexible at work. If we hadn’t built up so much debt. If. If. If. I found myself in a park, walking round, crying and repeating if again and again. I had been stretched too far, and had now finally snapped. I didn’t know if I’d ever get better again.

Someone bumped into me. I mumbled and staggered away.

“Watch out you imbecile!”

My anger flared and I turned, ready to launch myself at whoever it was. I’d had enough of the world pushing me about. As I stalked towards the man, he said, “Oh it’s you Harvey. Haven’t seen you for a while.”

It was Doug. I didn’t have anything to say to him. I was about to turn away when he peered at me.

“I say old chap, are you ok?”

Clearly I wasn’t, but I wasn’t sure if I could cope with him, especially if he was about to Bertie Wooster me again.

Realising that I wasn’t going to answer he grabbed my arm and started marching me along the path. “I know just what you need old man.”

Apathy had followed the burst of anger, and I let him guide me. All the way to the pub. He dumped me in a corner and bought me a pint.

“Now, old boy. Spill.”

I think he was hoping to get a smile out of me, but I had no smiles left. Instead I took a large gulp of stout and started to talk. Two pints and an hour of rant later I came to a shuddering halt. It felt so good to talk to someone.

He frowned at me and said, “So let me get this straight. You care too much about doing your job properly to get a proper job. You have a wonderful wife, and two little girls who need you. You’ve more or less run out of cash, and you’re trying to sell your house into the worst property market in a generation.”

I tried to argue with him, but the drain of telling my story, and the affect of the alcohol meant I all I managed as, “Not really.”

“Yes, really.” He frowned. “Look, I’m not promising anything, but, I think I might be able to help you. Or at least help you help yourself. If you’re willing to try.”

“First we need another drink, and then we’ll get you back home to your wife and delightful little urchins. I’m sure she’ll be worrying about you.”

Helen accepted the shambling wreck I’d become from Doug, who promised to call in a day or two.

He was as good as his word. He called me in and laid out his proposal. At first I didn’t quite understand, and then I was unsure it would work, but he promised me it would. He offered to invest for a fifty-fifty share of the profits, and said he’d find our first customers. He talked wistfully about maybe giving up the commute and working locally, or even retiring, if we could pull it off.

That’s how we started our business. We had a rocky first year, but Doug was true to his word and covered the costs, and now we’re making enough for me to cover the mortgage and even buy the girls, including Helen, the occasional treat. We’re still not making enough that Doug can afford to retire, but we’re about to hire another member of staff which is a great sign. I’ve been very clear with Doug that I will not have anyone onboard who doesn’t have the right work ethic. He just nodded and said, “Same old Harvey.” But he agreed.

What exactly do we do? We train fathers. Not something that anyone thought would be required, but it’s amazing how many people come to us.

The problem is, you don’t get a manual when a baby is born, and there’s so much aimed at training mothers that fathers get left out. Doug had a whole group of mates who were absolutely petrified about their impending, or in some cases recent, fatherhood. When they found out that they could talk to someone, a man, who would give them help and advice, they jumped at the chance. More importantly, they were willing to pay for it.

They had found that their wives were too distracted to be of any help, and none of the other women involved in the child care industry seemed to care that much about the father. The man is barely acknowledged, perhaps getting some advice, but often just being told to remember what the woman has been told, to be repeated later if required.

I have two lovely daughters, and have learned many of the lessons the hard way. Having twins meant that we always both had to be involved and it’s given me an insight that I am happy to share. I’ve distilled it into a set of tips and tricks, and I’ve trained my assistants, who are fathers themselves, so that I’m confident they understand the job, and can teach our clients.

We take the new fathers through it all step by step, and show them how the little things make all the difference. My clients appreciate the attention to detail, and they want to learn. Our marketing is all word of mouth, often the wives of our customers tell their friends, and we even get the occasional repeat customer. The majority of my time is spent actually helping people. It is deeply fulfilling in a way my old job never quite managed.