You're not alone. Here's a safe place, a growing place, a way out of the shadows of grief . . . This blog provides resources and Biblical direction for helping you trust Jesus through one of life's most difficult challenges.

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Monday, September 22, 2014

Autumn begins tomorrow, and with it comes the first anniversary of
widowhood for many readers. It's a common rumor that "the second year is worse,"
and some have already alluded to dreading their second year because of this
rumor. Of course if you do a google search about the second year, there's plenty
of evidence to support the 2nd year slump. I wouldn't recommend anyone actually
do that---Why? Because I already did, and I can tell you it's very depressing
and discouraging to read it all!

I'm not going to tell you the second
year is easier than the first; each individual's grief is unique--you can't
score it on a scale of easy to hard. But I can tell you it's like apples to
oranges-- the years are very different.

And I can tell you that with Christ,
you do not have to dread the second year. Respect the challenges it presents,
but remember you do not have to grieve as those who have no hope. You have the
freedom to make the choice to draw on God's strength, to claim his promises, his
providence, and his peace. You are still standing, breathing, walking,
talking--and as long as there's breath in you, God will bring beauty from these
ashes.

The first year we intently focus on getting through the year.
It's the first of everything: the first birthday without him, the first
anniversary, the first time making these huge decisions without him, the first
time getting an oil change, plunging the toilet, mowing the lawn or caulking the
bathtub. And the emotions! They are a wild ride! You find yourself crying in the
grocery store, crying over the news or a commercial on tv, or crying because
we've been surprised by the relief from a ray of kindness or a good laugh. Not
the dainty, tissue-dabbing sniffles, but heaving, soul scorching cries that
exhaust and extinguish the brain; they catch, clutch and scare us.

We
work really hard at getting through the first year, as if that twelve month mark
is a big finish line.

Thus the reason for the rumor. We get to that one
year anniversary; we look up from the path we've pounded on so hard,
we expect see a finish line. But instead the road stretches out empty and long before us ---that's hard! We
thought we were at the finish line; we've exhausted and depleted our reserves,
and now there's another twelve months to go!

Let
me give you the heads up: pace yourself. You won't be in this race against grief
forever. You need not pressure yourself to get over it, nor do you need to guilt
yourself into grieving more. Knowing Christ gives you that freedom!

There
are some othe reasons why the second year gets tagged with the harder label:

emotional support from friends around you might drop--they still love you but they don't know what to do now.

And you are changing. You've probably accomplished much of your actual grief work but now other realities clamor to be dealt with--loneliness, income, chores, health, and the variety of challenges that come with various seasons of life.

For now though, let's talk about
heading into the second year. What do you expect? As you look at your calendar,
what sort of plans are you making? Will you try anything new? Are there
particular issues and challenges that will stretch your faith and make your seek
the Lord?

If you've turned the corner on your second year, was it as you
expected? Are there issues you'd tell others to watch out for?

We're all
in this together, so draw strength and wisdom from one another and the lessons
learned. And as I've already said--you won't be here forever (unless you choose too). Next year at this
time some of you will be starting new careers, schooling, or relocating. Some of
you will be married! Some will be new grandmothers. Others will find a new and
vibrant level of relationship with God. For He does have plans for you--for each
one of you! Plans for your good, to give you hope. And joy. Don't forget that,
and you can look forward to these next twelve months with anticipation and
wonder!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

15 comments:

I'm still in my second year, a little over 21 months. I have good days/weeks, then get hit with a whammy out of the blue. I let the tears fall, the sobs break forth and call on Jesus. My heart feels so heavy at times, and it's hard knowing that that part of my life is over. 43 years was a long time together, plus 3 years of dating. We met when we were 17 & 18.

I'm getting more into being alone now, doing my needlework, gardening, cooking/baking, working part-time and doing what I can around here to take care of things. I've found a local Christian widow's group and created and care for a blog for it.

I'm 65 and greatly miss the love of my life. We were a team, worked well together. Part of me is missing, there's no one to bounce ideas off of, to work on projects with. There are projects on hold. There's no one else in the world who 'knows me', like he did. We used to laugh a lot, the laughter has diminished considerably. My feline companion, Miss Tork, makes me laugh, but she doesn't fill the void. I trust in Jesus to heal my broken heart and fill up the emptiness left by my husbands leaving.

Knowing he is with Jesus, greatly gives me peace. It has from the moment my dear husband left this planet.

We will be together again one day, until then I wish to grow and age gracefully in God's love and tender mercies.

Oh, wouldn't it be grand if it took a year for grief to run its course! Unfortunately, it takes going through grief to understand that it doesn't work that way, and it is a devastating reality. Grief to me was like receiving an unwelcome cosmic delivery of manure--your choices are to ignore it and let it stink or spread it and see what grows from it. At the beginning of year two, I was very bummed to see that there was still a lot of shoveling to be done, but year two also brought something wonderful--the first moment I experienced a fleeting moment of pure joy in my heart! It caught me so off guard because it had been so long since I felt joy and never expected it to return. It was the first blade of something ALIVE that came up through the manure. Though year two involved continued shoveling, I treasured the moments when those little blades of joy popped through. They were reminders to me that I did not shovel alone--Jesus was there right beside me and he was working on something greater than I could ever imagine. Eventually the bursts of joy came more frequently and stayed longer. So while year two was tough, for me it marked the beginning of what has become (6-1/2 years later and all glory to God) a rather lovely garden!

All so true - I finally figured out that it took me a while to figure out how to "be married" - more than a year! It will take a while to figure out how to "be widowed" as well. Just keep on keepin' on as they say - and do the next thing. All things through Christ - even and especially this journey.

Your article was posted according to God's perfect timing for me! Yes, I have heard that "rumor" several times lately! Entering my second year of widowhood, I am encouraged to learn that I can draw on God's strength, count my blessings, and stretch my faith and my relationship with Him! It will be work, but it is a choice!

I made the mistake of googling is the second year harder while I was closing in on the one yr mark. There was no one that said any different. I never believed anything could be as hard as the first year though. Now I am halfway through the second year. Yes it is hard, but for me not as hard as the first year. Its a different kind of hard now. I refused to go into my 2nd year believing things would get worse. The Lord has a plan for our lives. I tell him daily I really don't understand but I trust you lord. The Lord is my husband now and whatever happens its in His hands. That has taken the pressure off of me as long as I keep remembering that. Always have hope.

It's been seven years since my Beloved went home to be with the Lord. While I'm no longer in the throes of grief, there are days when the sweet memories turn into a wistful longing.

Early on, the Lord impressed on me that He has a plan and a purpose for my life - a good one (Jeremiah 29:11). As I've moved forward, He's brought me into new areas of blessing. A quiet contentment has replaced the blinding pain that once held me in its grip.

First year, second year and beyond - you'll never forget, but it will get better as you follow His leading.

Susan, I'm so happy to hear from you, and your words are life and health to all who wonder if they'll ever get over this time. Thanks for sharing, and I hope other will join me in visiting your blog to see your latest ventures. More books??? I look forward to finding out what you're up to! :)

September 30 was the 1st anniversary of my beloved's last night in our home. He entered the hospital October 1 and left for the full presence of the Lord on October 13, 2013.

I admit I had so hoped that on October 14, 2014 a switch would just turn off the pain, the sadness, and most of all the dread of having to continue on in this life without him. My heart, mind and body is weary with missing the gloriously wonderful man that God Almighty blessed me with since our October 25, 1980 wedding.

Intelligence told me the switch doesn't exist. But I hoped for a deadline. A goal. A getting off point. A stop!

But the reality is that I am a widow and I don't want to be a widow. I don't want our children and grandchildren to not have their father and grandfather.

356 days without him - Broken356 days Jesus continues to carry us all - Grateful356 days closer to eternity with Jesus and my beloved - Hopeful

I didn't google 2nd year grief until another widow told me she had heard it and I've been living it and not understanding now that I'm in my 13th month. At least now I don't feel like I'm the only one struggling after the first year. It hasn't helped that my daughter was 2 years old when we lost my husband or that I then lost his mother who lived with me 10 months after my husband and then my grandmother at 11 months. My friends only remember my husband which was first but I'm feeling so tired of fighting the good fight. Some day God is going to give me the biggest hug and maybe then I can actually grieve and let go.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am not always able to reply but your remarks mean a lot to me and will appear as soon as possible.

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Ferree's book ...

"...one of the BEST books I've read for Widows!" Kathy E., widow

You're Invited . . .

Take hope, my friend, join in and watch the darkness turn to light and gather strength for your journey. You'll see the ways others have struggled, survived and thrived. You'll discover key Scriptures and insights from God's Word that will feed your soul and give you hope. Click on the Memorial Wall tab above, pray for these women and add your own listing. This blog is about you and God's work in the hearts of widows!

As we grieve, life continues on around us; we need to make adjustments and function inspite of our struggles. So this blog not only addresses grief and gives you role models, it also looks at the single-living skills, spiritual disciplines, laughter, rest and the renewing worship you'll need to juggle.

Some articles are food for thought, some are quick and helpful tips, and every once in a while we'll get just plain silly because laughter is still good medicine.

There's a new life waiting to meet you, and a new hope waiting to bloom in your heart. But don't worry about that for now. God knows you want your old life back. He understands. So for now, just visit, rest, relax and renew for the journey ahead.

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If you are feeling overwhelmed, desperate, anxious or depressed please contact nearby professionals such as your local pastor and your healthcare provider immediately. The help offered at this blog is not intended as a substitute for professional counseling or healthcare.

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