About Me

My body disgusts me, I avoid mirrors like the plague and my physical disabillities prevent me from taking any real action to change my fatty boom boom shape. I'm hoping if I lose enough weight I will be able to tone up gradually and maybe even get surgery. For now I am determined not to let myself keep climbing up the scales like I have in the past 8 months. I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control; I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Unbelievable really as it means I have already smoked 20 today. I don't normally smoke that much.

It's an anxiety thing.

Although I feel better about food and my eating habits The Ex is still getting to me. At the end of last week I was still feeling rather heart broken and everything got on top of me. Seriously depressive crying was what most of my time was spent on, so much so that I even chose to go and sit at my parents house for the company.

I have no idea why I am finding it so hard because that man really doesn't deserve my love and my rational brain tells me it is impossible to really love someone who was that violent and abusive. Also it has been nine months since we split. However the pain has been there and the heart ache has been overwhelming. I wrote about these feelings but as usual it led to more verbal abuse from him and him telling me yet again I am full of shit and never loved him.

I still hang around online sometimes just in case he decides to be nice but even that is a trap. It never lasts and always ends up with him screaming about how I abused him and destroyed his life etc.

Part of my reason for restricting is extremely immature. I know I am seeking attention. I want people to see the pain I am in, want them to see that I do need help in several ways and part of me even wants to be physically ill enough for him to take everything back, admit what he did and make it all better.

This is all pie in the sky tho.

Great, now I'm gonna set myself off crying again and I've only just managed to stop doing that every day.
I need to except that he is a lost cause and that it is some sort of brainwashing that is keeping me hooked on him.

So yeah, therein lies my dillema. I have no cigarettes which in my subconscious somewhere equals no comfort. I can feel my mood dropping but I refuse to go out at this time in the evening to buy more when I have smoked this many in one day.

I want to quit anyway...I'm just really scared of actually doing it. What will I fill the empty void inside me with if I don't have cigarettes. Drugs are gone, food is gone and for the rest of tonight smoking is gone.

*Big Sigh*

Good news tho is that I am still under 800 calories a day which is enough to keep me satisfied in that area (for now). Also although I have only kept records for the past 3 days I officially started around wednesday last week. Long enough for me to feel quite light headed most of the time now so weight should definitely be coming off.

Todays chart:

Im surprised that the numbers aren't higher as I feel like I have really over eaten today but everything has been plugged in accurately. Carbs appear to be the hardest to control for me as I do love me some sweet snacks but it is a work in progress.

Wonder if I will get to 105lbs again and if I can do it before xmas.

Ok I should try finish this up but as I type my daughter is making me a hot chocolate (bless her she is growing up quick), I'm already dying for a smoke and I suspect I will eat the last 4 jaffa cakes before I sleep.

Will still be under 1000 calories if not 800 so I'm not going to worry too much. For now the biggest battle is my battle with nicotine.

1 comments:

My heart goes out to you. I know what its like to emotionaly hold on to an unavailable and undeserving man. I also know what its like to want him to hurt for you. I want you to be strong and focus on yourself. Focus on what makes you happy. Its ok to be a litlte selfish now and then. Just remember where you want to be by xmas, and let that be your drive. I find it easier to forget my other problems if I focus on myself and my appearance. Get a mani-pedi, play w/ make up, do your hair. Usually if I look good I feel good. You probably do too (most women do).

Just think of it like this: with every pound you lose, you're getting back at him because you're feeling better and better about yourself.