Category Archives: Defence

NEWTOWN, Connecticut, Sunday (NTN) — Responsible gun owners have to fight back against the atheist liberal Obamunist Euro-weenie homosexuals who think murdered leftist children in any way justify taking away our guns, the fountain of our liberty.

The Community-Organizer-In-Chief wants to take your guns, yes, yours, so he can finally bring his black jackboot down upon us all and enslave us, forcing us into health insurance and penury. Why isn’t he demanding gun control in Libya, huh?

The teachers in that school were heroes, and not just union-loving parasites like we said last week. They just needed guns. Us keeping all our guns and some more is what they would have wanted.

You unAmerican socialist subjects just don’t understand freedom. The second amendment was inspired directly by Jesus Christ. “Those who live by the sword shall survive by the sword.” The Lord’s words supersede all arguments and all statistics. Jesus said it, I believe it, and I’ll kill anyone who says different.

The most important thing is that everything else — mental illness, video games, no religion in schools, tax-funded abortion pills, goths — was behind all this, and not lots of people having lots and lots of guns.

“Cyber-Space,” said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, “represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to fight off Johnny Cyberforeigner!”

“We need a toolbox of capabilities,” said armed forces minister Nick Harvey. “For instance, we have a truckload of old Psion EPOCs, which are excellent for hand-to-hand combat. We can also demoralise the enemy with talk of what a fantastic OS it has and how their Nokia with Symbian just can’t compare. Then, of course, we drive a truck over them.”

Other research weapons include Sinclair ZX81 ninja stars, BBC Model B boat anchors and more ethically questionable devices such as Amstrad Emailer land mines.

The foreign secretary, William Hague, told a security conference in Munich in February that the Foreign Office had repelled a cyber-attack a month earlier from “a hostile agency. Fortunately, Mesh Computers are now safely in administration and can’t sell us incredibly rubbish white box PCs ever again.”

Harvey did not specify where future threats might come from. “It would be foolish to assume the West can always dictate the pace and direction of this cyber-techno-electrickery-logy-stuff. Thing. I understand there are clever people in the world who don’t even live in Britain. Imagine that!

The cyber-warfare initiative is anticipated to fully achieve its objectives over the next five years, those being a suitably fattened defence budget and continuing contract bungs to BAE Systems.

WEB 0.1, Cyberspice, Saturday (NTN) — The European Union has run a simulated “cyber attack,” in which simulated outsourcing companies strike mortal blows upon national budgets for consulting fees for “cyber security” while still using Windows.

The simulation steadily reduced access to critical services to gauge how nations react, removing access to working email, letting loose old viruses and charging €300 callout fees to look at why you can’t log in.

Neelie Kroes, European commissioner for the digital agenda, said the exercise was intended to help expose short-comings in existing procedures for combating attacks on funding. “It is an important first step towards working together to combat potential online threats to essential infrastructure and the consulting fees therefrom.”

The exercise also tested how nations work together to avoid a complete shut-down of international links when internet service providers charge £50/month for a “super-fast” connection with a 20GB bandwidth cap.

The exercise was overseen by bouncing new baby quango the European Network Security Agency. “We considered just bombing Redmond, Washington from orbit, which simulations showed would have pretty much solved all attacks over the network itself,” said Dr Udo Helmbrecht, most recently of outsourcing firm EDS Capita Goatse. “But we’re not so silly as to put ourselves out of a job.”

MENTAX, Underground, Tuesday (NTN) — US military officials have condemned the latest war document release by Wikileaks as “potentially fatal to our credibility” and leading to 15,000 more officials spending time with their families than previously thought.

“The faltering forces of hacker infidels,” said the Pentagon’s Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, “cannot just enter an army and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege! There are only two Wikileaks tanks in the city!”

General George Casey has denied that the United States “turned a blind eye” to prisoner abuse. “Our policy all along has been to use our military might to encourage the already peace-loving Iraqi security forces to be agents of cosmic love and beauty. Whenever a prisoner was treated with crystals and aromatherapy in a more robust manner than would be acceptable to our dolphin brethren, we were sure to report it up both the Iraqi chain of command and the one that means anything. Then we sat down together and did serious thinking about how we could be more excellent to one another. Toke, dude?”

The festering scoundrel Julian Assange was lambasted last night on CNN for his reprehensible personal life and clearly unbalanced and unAmerican mental state, which are much more newsworthy than the release of more accurate documentation than any war has ever had in history.

“I remain opposed to the war in Iraq,” said President Barack Obama, “and so too to documentation of the so-called war. We harshly condemn the release of information on this terrible alleged event. We will bring the document leakers to military justice and teach them to love again.”

In the UK, Nick Clegg suggested someone might want to possibly look into this matter a little bit, assuming it was all right with Dave of course.

MISSILE COMMAND, South Bank, Monday (NTN) — A new generation of sophisticated “cyber terrorists” are to be blamed for the imminent failure of the London 2012 Olympics.

Although the Coalition’s National Security Strategy identifies climate change, population growth, the rise of al-Qaeda and the return of Northern Ireland-based terrorism as significant problems, the document focuses on the most important threat to Britain: attacks on the economic interests of Conservative party backers.

The terrorists, hypothesised to be Internet fundamentalists devoted to copying MP3s, deriding software patents, editing Wikipedia and turning British athletic prowess into nanotechnological dust, will use artificial intelligence to hack into the ZX Spectrum that runs Boris Johnson and replace him with a slightly larger shell script.

A large-scale conventional military attack on the UK is rated only as a “tier three” priority alongside disruption to oil and gas supplies and a large-scale radioactive release from a civil nuclear site. “File sharing. That’s how they’ll destroy us all. Don’t say you weren’t warned! ACS:Law and the Ministry of Sound are just the first shots!”

The 8% cut in the defence budget will be patched with an additional £500m of spending on “all things ‘cyber,'” focused on the very finest snake oil that the party’s very dearest friends can sell.

In a joint foreword to the strategy, Prime Minister David Cameron and Deputy Cameron Nick Clegg said that there needs to be a “radical transformation” in British national security. “We are entering an age of uncertainty. This strategy should nicely put the wind up voters in time for the alternative vote referendum. Strangely enough, we both think we can get our way. This proves the deep agreement at the heart of the Coalition. Nick thinks so too, I’m sure he would if I asked him.”

SLIGHT INDISPOSITION STAR, Communal States of America, Saturday (NTN) — Medal of Honor, a popular video game that lets you play as the unAmerican team, has been banned from US military bases as “insensitive.”

After moral panics, including from UK Defense Secretary Liam Fotherington-Thomas — who issued official condemnation of the game as “horrid” — US military officials decided not to stock the game in the nearly 300 base exchange shops.

“This game is disgusting and violent,” said Maj. Gen. Bruce Casella, “and gives the impression that our actions in Afghanistan involve dangerous weaponry and people getting hurt. We cannot risk such appalling propaganda reaching our lovely soldiers and their delicate psyches.”

General Casella announced a new version of America’s Army, in which US soldiers go to the fictional country of Wartornistan, and sing songs, dance to psychedelic rock and paint flowers on tanks. Usually opium poppies.

Electronic Arts, makers of Medal of Honor, responded with plans to make a version of America’s Army in which you can play either the hippies or the troops at Kent State.

The drug, found in almost homeopathic quantities in anything sold in UK nightclubs claiming to be “ecstasy,” allowed British soldiers and Taliban insurgents alike to “open up more,” put aside their differences and unite in the spirit of cosmic human oneness.

“MDMA seems to bring people into the optimal zone and help them process things and not be overwhelmed by their feelings,” said Dr Michael Mithoefer, whose scientific studies never seem to be short on volunteers. The study required overnight stays and all-day therapy sessions, at a steady and relaxing 105 to 110 beats per minute.

The drug problem in Afghanistan remains severe, however, with reports of people’s ketamine drinks being contaminated with aloe vera. President Hamid Karzai has asked for $13 billion in aid, but notes that an E, or even two, is way cheaper than a night on the piss.

The next field of action for the Army will be back home in the UK, where the Ministry of Sound’s attempted extortion letters to alleged downloaders via ACS Law will be dealt with in a thorough, professional and, most of all, conclusive manner by several thousand squaddies somewhat annoyed at them harshing their mellow.

HELMAND, Neuschwabenland, Friday (NNN) — Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.

“We closely examined Mr Obama’s record over the past nine months,” said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool.”

The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by “birther” researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity’s next robot overlord after Mr Cheney’s term had finished. “However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order.”

The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.

“It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so,” said Mr Obama today. “But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We’ll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I’m sorry, I’m having a minor glitch. I’ll get back to you.”

DRAGON’S DEN, Cheyenne Mountain, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Despite months of negotiations to get a Commodore 64 emulator approved for the iPhone, Apple has pulled the application after just two days after a hack was found that enables the BASIC interpreter.

“Anything capable of allowing programming — any programming — could be a security risk to the iPhone and its users,” said Apple in a statement to the Library of Congress on copyright. “As such, it is absolutely vital for the safety of the nation that we vet every single application and collect 30% on each one.”

Apple software reviewers, who are generally moonlighting from day jobs as TSA airport security policy writers, fear a wave of 1980s-style “hackers” using the iPhone to “dial” into NASA or National Security Agency computers using the accompanying 300-Baud Acoustic-Coupled Modem application. “We had our suspicions when the app lit the user’s face from below in just the right shade of green to show off their cheekbones really photogenically.”

Reviewers were particularly concerned that the BASIC interpreter was originally written by Microsoft. “Of course, their security is famously terrible,” said one reviewer in a break from torturing kittens. “We’d probably get a Commodore 64 virus. And their sense of aesthetics! No way Steve would ever let that through.”

A similar Commodore 64 emulator that gives ten cents to AT&T every time a user runs a game has passed approval in two days.

“A strange phone,” said NSA correspondent “WOPR.” “The only winning move is not to buy.”

VICTORIA, Steampunk Britain, Thursday (NNN) — A “wall of steel” Microsoft rocket attack on Google’s London office yesterday caused a small fire from a ruptured gas cylinder, a reminder of the browser and search engine wars and Microsoft’s overwhelming might.

The six-story-tall Microsoft mecha, approaching from the direction of Victoria Station, unleashed an all-out barrage, belching amusing farts of smoke from its Zune HD assault flamethrowers, before halting with an E74 error and collapsing onto the top of the building, where Google employees were enjoying their regular Thursday afternoon barbecue roasting a Snow Leopard on a spit.

Four fire engines and twenty firefighters in hazmat suits were sent out after reports of Vista fumes in the area.

The attack came a day after a Microsoft suicide car bomber killed seven cockroaches and gave himself a papercut when his car computer bluescreened. Microsoft disclaimed responsibility, asserting it was a completely independent suicide commando who only coincidentally happened to be in the pay of their PR agency.

The BBC has reported Microsoft’s complete victory in the battle, with extensive Zune downloads in Silverlight format of the victorious Seattle Revolutionary Army in action.