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“Throw moderation to the winds, and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains” – Democritus

One of my favourite online newspapers is the Telegraph in the UK. It tends to be a paper whose viewpoint is moderate. Typically British papers will carry affairs or the occasional well known person going to a swingers club; however, I do not see many articles about BDSM in the British media and when I read this one, it made me think. It made me think about using the internet to share our sexual interest, how alternative sexual practices are misunderstood, and the law.

In this article a man is being prosecuted for engaging in sexual activity in front of a child and possession of extreme pornographic material. The prosecution is the result of a social worker seeing online images of a child with him and a naked woman.

In my opinion, this article serves as a reminder when posting photographs no everyone will view them the same way as you and the need to be vigilant that any threesome photograph shows consenting adults in a legal consenting act. Otherwise, it may lead to criminal prosecution. Likewise, this author believes, this article demonstrates the need to keep a perspective and not become too enmeshed in the lifestyle where that it adversely impacts others.

At least from my perspective, I have to question if this individual did not post pictures on the internet, would he be prosecuted? My belief, he probably would not have and I feel, had he kept a balance in his life then he may not have taken his participation in the BDSM lifestyle too far. Finally I believe this article demonstrates the need to take any sexual practice, like threesome, in moderation without it becoming an obsession and the need to share everything online. If that perspective is lost and having a threesome becomes an obsession then more than likely, negatively consequences will follow.

Finding the Third Person amongst Friends & Co-workers

Introduction

This topic is a topic that was suggest to me from one of the fans of this site. Vanilla for those who are not familiar with the term means those who do not have group sex experience because they have never had one or choose not to have the experience. Looking for the third person in the vanilla world poses both challenges and questions.

The challenge is finding someone that is interested approximately 14% is interested in having a threesome. This means 86 out of every 100 adults is not interested in having a threesome. Spending valuable time searching in the vanilla world means spending a lot of time of finding someone who has not expressed an interest in having threesome, finding them, and then trying to convince them to consider the idea. Instead of using valuable time speaking to people who have already expressed an interest.

Also this raises questions such as, is ethical to approach someone who has not expressed an interest in having a threesome and trying to convert them? What type of impact will it have on them? Their life? If married, what impact will it have their relationship and family? Where does the responsibility lie for the person trying to convert a vanilla? All of these questions need to be considered when looking for someone in vanilla world.

My view

As someone who has a had threesome experiences my belief unless the person in the vanilla world approaches about having a threesome then it is best to leave alone. Why? Based on my experience, there is enough people out there who express an interest in activity without having to look for someone who have never expressed an interest, a vanilla person. In addition I believe finding someone who has not previously expressed an interest carries its own unique set of risks. The primary risks includes lack of enjoyable experience, which can be due to several reason such as: vanilla person not being compatible, the vanilla person having feeling negative towards the idea, and their lack of experience coupled with their previous lack of interest. This brings up questions, such as:

Is it right, morally or ethically, to try to get them interested?

What is my person responsibility to them if they do not like the experience?

Why them instead of looking for someone who has already expressed an interest?

With the internet having thousands of sites dedicated to threesomes, dating, and group sex sites finding a third online is fairly straightforward. Plus internet provides the opportunity for on-premise and off premise events to advertise online so finding someone that is interested is fairly easy.

Finding someone is easy but the challenge is finding someone that is compatible. If the couple is interested in a two male threesome then provided they do not live a rural mid-west town then finding a compatible person may take a little time; however, if they are committed in finding a third person then it should not take too long. Issues finding the third person, I believe, comes down to one of three reason location, lack of commitment in finding the third person or too restrictive standards.

Finding the third person in the vanilla world

Generally speaking there are two groups of people who fall into this category friends and co-workers. Co-workers carry a lot of risk especially when approaching a vanilla co-worker for a threesome and it could, for some people, be a career ending decision. It is therefore best avoiding approaching a co-worker.

Approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome is a lot like approaching your significant other for a threesome, it will forever change the relationship and it should not be done lightly, especially if the friend is a close friend. Friends, unlike a significant other, may end the friendship at the suggestion or may end the friendship after the threesome. It is important to weigh the risks, including if the friend is someone you are wiling to lose because of the threesome.

Colloquy approach is the best approach when approaching a vanilla friend for a threesome

My wife and I have been approached by friends for threesomes and we have approached a friend for a threesome. In each of the situation being direct was used. Being direct means, a colloquy discussion where being honest about what was being sought without the use of euphemisms and without the use of colloquialisms. It is a discussion that involves everyone and it is not a side-discussion amongst friends. The conversation involves talking about what is being sought, boundaries, and the length they are wanting (e.g. one-off, occasional, long-term).

The Threesome and afterwards

The threesomes we had with friends made the process a lot faster due our familiarity with each other. However it was a bit awkward since we were shifting from being friends to something different. It did not create any animosity between us; however over time we saw the friendship our friendships drift apart until they finally ended.

Conclusion

Looking for a vanilla playmate does not always work out and it carries its own challenges. If a couple due to location opts for a vanilla playmate then the best option is to look for a friend that they are willing to risk their friendship. When approaching a friend it is important all three are present to have an honest discussion about what is being sought. Once the threesome occurs it is likely the friendship will drift and ultimately end. It is therefore better to use the tools available to find an interested third than finding a vanilla playmate.

Hearing there is a difference between having a threesome and the fantasy of having a threesome is almost like hearing one of those annoying commercials that plays, “Here Comes the Girls,” for the 100th time in 5 days, or hearing the “Meow Meow” commercial. Meaning, it is something that gets said to the point we tune it out and get defensive when we hear. Unlike those commercials there is a truth behind statement. What does it mean?

A fantasy by definition is the creation of an unrealistic image to meet a psychological need. This means, a fantasy is something that is created in our mind that is based on our beliefs and experiences to give us something that we are not currently able to have. It is something we have control over and it is shaped to meet our needs at the time. Furthermore this means, even though it may seem plausible in our mind the issue of practically still remains. Therefore the fantasy of having a threesome lacks being a likely outcome since it is influenced by us and not those involved.

Whereas the reality of having a threesome is much different that requires the involvement of two other people. This means there will most likely be some compromises along the way and it means the outcome of having a threesome will not be predictable since it is dependent on three people. Also it means there will be some risk and to some extent, a loss of control. The unknown, having to take a risk, and being dependent on two other people makes the reality of having a threesome different than the fantasy.

So, what does this mean when trying to make the fantasy a reality? It means being realistic and not expecting the other two people will agree with you 100% of time. Being realistic means not setting your expectations based on a fantasy and be willing to compromise, when required. Also it means having a threesome will involve risk, based on the threesome being planned, and the outcome cannot be predicted. This means there will be some uncertainty surrounding the threesome and it means some communication will need to occur in order to make the threesome work. Third it means being prepared for the unexpected since having the threesome will be much different than the fantasy of having a threesome. Finally be willing to consider other opinions and do not become focused on your fantasy ideal.

Heat of the moment decisions can wreck a threesome?

Using a threesome fantasy during foreplay, “I can feel his cock going deep in me… harder … harder,” before she explodes with the most intense orgasm seen. Her intense orgasm fuels an indescribable pleasure that has not been previously experienced. Now, there is an urgency to recreate that experience in reality because you want to please her.

Next, you spend time working through how to recreate the experience and you decide her intense orgasm is her consent to have a threesome. If she was not into threesomes then why did she have such an intense orgasm, thinking to yourself? In order to recreate the experience, you feel, it has to be spontaneous and discussing it would take away from the experience. The next few weeks you spend working through the details and finding someone who is agreeable. However on the night of threesome instead of her being aroused by the surprise threesome, she appears like a deer at night on a dark rural road. What went wrong?

It is easy when being intimate to focus on providing pleasure instead of focusing on their needs and during this special time it is acceptable. However once that time passes balancing needs and pleasure returns Granted needs and pleasure can be the same but at other times they can be different. Pleasure is great way to have enjoyment and have an escape from daily life; however, too much pleasure without also focusing on needs can lead to it no longer being pleasurable. This means when having a threesome communication, trust, and respect are just as important as the pleasure a threesome can provide. Moreover when a surprise threesome occurs, it means pleasure has been given priority over needs.

Is there a time when a surprise threesome could work? Probably, if previous discussions about having a threesome included topics such as boundaries and some discussion about having a surprise threesome along with your partner being explicitly clear that they are willing to allow you to arrange a threesome without involving them then it is possible a surprise threesome might work. Nonetheless, it is advisable speaking with your partner confirming they are still all right with the threesome idea.

Instead, it is better to talk through the idea of having a threesome outside of the bedroom, not being intimate, and have the time to discuss the idea thoroughly. This author feels it is better to discuss it then risk having all of your plans explode in front of you.

Finally, it is easy to mistake what happens “in the heat of the moment,” as a wish for the same in reality. The reality is there is a difference between what is said during this time and your partner’s feelings afterwards. It is always better to discuss then to assume you understand your partner’s needs when it involves having a threesome.

The threesome just ended and you are feeling thrilled that you survived without stopping it and without feeling crushed. In a way you feel as though you have just joined an exclusive club and you feel proud that you have earned your membership key. Later, as you begin to come down from your ‘adrenaline high’ the scenes of the threesome begin to replay in your mind; some of those scenes begin eliciting feelings and you wonder if you can ever feel the same about your partner again. Scene after scene continue to play and you begin to feel distant from your partner, what are you to do?

Reality is the above scenario does not always occur. It can feel couples who may have rushed it, who may have not fully discussed having a threesome, or may have been unprepared for the feelings having a threesome can elicit. The answer, this author feels, lies in finding a way to reconnect with your partner. Reconnecting is the way of restabilising the bond shared between the two of you and not allowing feelings about the threesome or the invited third person impact your relationship.

Starting point understanding memories and how they can influence your feelings. Reality is memories are not photographic snapshots that remain with us unchanged. A memory is influenced by time, by feelings, perspectives, and where our attention is focused, for example. It is also influenced by questions we are asked, our relationship with that person asking the question, and our feelings at the time. This means memories can be influenced and it means we cannot recall an event with great accuracy. A good example of this is a crime being witnessed by several people who give different accounts of the same scene. More specifically, it means after a threesome our perception of what occurred and our feelings towards it is influenced by many events including time.

Now, take into account your own person views about threesomes before having it, your viewpoint about threesomes after it occurs, your religious view, your views about relationships, your feelings about having sex with someone else or watching your partner having sex with someone else and your feelings about the third person. When you take into account the above views with your memory of the situation it is easy to understand how your view of events transpired. Therefore it is important remembering how react in the hours and days after threesome based on our memories of it will impact us.

In this author’s opinion, the next step is accepting the threesome occurred and that it was a mutually agreed event. Thereby preventing any blaming your partner for wanting the threesome and you were innocently going along to please them or you went along to prevent them from cheating.

The third step is finding some time when the two of you can be alone. Ideally, the sooner this occurs after the threesome the better, this author feels. Avoiding your partner after a threesome is not productive and it leads to, this author feels a weakening of the relationship occurs through lack of communication. Furthermore finding time when the two of you are alone gives both of you the chance to discuss anything that might pose a problem or causing hurt feelings. It also gives both of you a chance to connect again.

Connecting, when the two of you are alone, involves the process of moving from the threesome and continuing with your relationship. This could mean going out together, sharing an activity together other than sex, or it could mean spending quiet time snuggling in front of the television watching a movie together. It also means finding a way for your partner to feel comfortable with what occurred. For this to occur it might mean being supportive, being positive, talking instead of arguing, and find a way to move the relationship forward. Likewise for you it means finding a way to be comfortable with the the threesome that occurred. Moreover it means not letting any negative feelings from the threesome adversely influence the way the two of you relate to each other. Whatever the two of you do together, it means taking the time to rebuild and strengthen the bonds that you share.

Final step, is deciding what your next step about having a threesome and exploring other sexual practices. At this stage the decision is made, at least for the near future, if another threesome will occur or if as a couple, you will

How do you know if the interested third person is potentially a good fit?

After taking time to search for the right fit a potential ‘playmate’ is found. How do you know if they a good choice?

In an mfm threesome situation the control resides with the couple. Since the couple has a choice men they can invite and by communicating with one does not mean they have rejected the others. However, the dynamic of a fmf is different since much fewer single women are interested in having a threesome with a couple and the lack of available women gives an interested single woman more power with the couple, thereby being on an equal relationship with them.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Unlike her male counterpart, asking questions for the single woman ensures the couple is a right fit for her. Finally for the couple, asking questions helps to make the third person at ease and helps to improve the communication, thereby reducing the chance something is misunderstood. Also, it helps the couple to decide if the invited third person is a right fit for them.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the third person. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the couple regarding questions to ask the potential third person The questions are listed in way to facilitate a conversation with the third person but the order is dependent on the dynamics of the situation.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them. Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1) What type of work do you do?

2) Have you previously participated in a threesome? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) What type of threesome?

b) Was it a positive experience for you?

c) If you could choose one negative aspect of it what was it?

d) If it is a male for mfm they you may want to ask, have you had any male on male sex, including oral sex?

3) What are you looking to get from having a threesome?

4) Do you practice safe-sex?

5) Are you currently in a relationship? If ‘yes’ then consider a few follow-up questions:

a) Does your partner know you are looking for a threesome with a couple? If ‘yes’:

1) Can we meet them?

2) Are the two of you wanting a foursome, with us, at a later date?

3) Are the two of you looking for us to reciprocate, whereby one of us joins you for a threesome?

b) How does / will having a threesome impact your relationship?

6) What are your boundaries?

a) What do you like?

b) What do you not like?

c) If this is a fmf threesome then you may want to ask, do you want my partner to participate?

Potential questions for a single male to ask a couple

The power of a mfm threesome relationship resides with the couple, since they have a choice of many men they can invite. This means they can reject the male they are communicating with and choose another.

Unfortunately this can leave the single male feeling powerless since he knows they couple has many choices of available males and if he asks questions then he may push them away. Reality is asking questions ensures the single male the couple is a good fit for them, it shows the couple he respects their relationship, and by asking the appropriate questions will reduce the chance the single male will be a part of any relationship drama.

Below is a list of possible questions to ask the couple. The list is not an exhaustive list since the list cannot anticipate every possible response and many questions a that need to be asked are based on the specifics of the planned threesome. Instead this list is meant to guide the single male regarding questions to ask the couple and couples an idea of the information they should be communicating to the single male. The questions are listed from easier questions to ask, from this author’s perspective, to asking the socially difficult questions.

If you do use all or any of them, this author would like some feedback regarding their usefulness in order to make the necessary changes to them. Also, if any of the questions are not clear or you feel more needs to be added the please let this author know.

1) Have you had a threesome before? IF the couple states ‘Yes’ then follow-up with

a. If so, how did each you feel about it?

b. How did it impact your relationship?

2) What is the reason for the two of you wanting this threesome?

3) How did the two of you reach the decision to have a threesome?

4) What are your boundaries? IF the answer is we have ‘none’ or it is vague then asks as a follow-up?

a. Is kissing acceptable?

b. Is anal sex a possibility?

c. Will you be performing oral sex?

d. Can I ejaculate in your mouth?

e. Bareback or condom?

f. Feelings on male on male activity?

g. Any other questions in order to define acceptable boundaries

5) Where do you want me to cum?

6) Will your partner be participating or watching?

7) Will this be a one-off or are you looking at meeting again? Alternatively you can ask, “would bringing in another girl in the future be on the table?”

8) What do you not like?

9) What do you enjoy?

If the answer is vague or ‘anything’ then potential follow-up questions, provided they it is something that they have not stated they do not like in the previous question.