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Today on the Ask Sadie Show, we'll be addressing one single topic: Donald Trump's Inauguration. Specifically, we'll talk about how most of the big starts asked to perform for him refused to do it. We'll also be talking about how yours truly won the blue ribbon at the 1928 Jr. Miss Flapper competition at the "And How!" speakeasy for my rendition of "Bug-Eyed Betty is the Bees Knees." Trump called me, but I refused to perform too. But I gave him the third runner-up's contact info. Trump, Bessie May Gobthwacker is waiting for your call.

Quadruple espresso, please. No caffeine for you, Uncle Mort. Doctor's orders. Doctors schmoctors. What do those ivy league elitists know? Pardon? If I think caffeine's exactly what I need, who are they to tell me otherwise? They're your doctors. How condescending of these arrogant "doctors" to think they know more than I do about my own bone strength and blood pressure. This is Donald Trump's America. Where the homespun beliefs of the common man trump the knowledge of specialists. Make my coffee great again!!! Nice try, Uncle Mort.

Ever since I got back from Canada, I've felt like I'm just drifting through my days. Dr. Noodle. Like yesterday, I was interviewing a source I'll call "Deep Throat" at a big pharmaceutical company who told me they're purposely trying to spread the opioid addiction problem to other countries ... because getting people to become dependent on opioid painkillers here has been so profitable. But I ended up just taking Deep Throat to a hockey game. That's normal. For non-Trump-voters, thinking of Canada is a good substitute for opioids.

â€¦ so they took me off the Trump account. I'm going to take matters into my own hands; I'm going to Trump Tower next week. I said I'm meeting with Donald Trump next week. Aliens. Star Trek. Green Lantern. Are you even listening?! How much do you think apartments go for in Canada?

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! Donald Trump. I voted for him, and now my family won't talk to me. They disinvited me from Christmas. I'm so sad. Forget them. If those losers can't suck it up and get over it, you're better off without them. I just meant I'm sad they beat me to it. I was going to tell them all to eat turkey with Hillary in Losertown.

Boss, the health inspector said you should be ashamed for extorting him. "Ashamed"? Is he serious? Did he also say flocks of mermaids should teleport to Atlantis to picnic with unicorns? Our next president was on trial for bilking thousands of people out of their life savings. "Shame" doesn't exist anymore. Very bad man. Ask him whether unicorns fly or just prance on his planet.

I'm proud of you, Mort. It's been a month and you haven't once freaked out a bout Donald Trump winning the election. That's because I made a pilgrimage to a fog-shrouded castle atop a mountain in Foreignvania. There, a renegade mystic performed an incantation that reboots my memory to November 7, 2016 every time someone mentions Trump. I'm not sure that's a good long-term coping mechanism. Rebooting! ... Hey ... don't forget to vote tomorrow, Randy.

Rudy, I'm disturbed by your recent behavior. You â€¦ Flag-burners should be exiled to Mexico. What was that? Never mind. Listen, you were two â€¦ You know who's a loser? Babies. Hold on, minion. I'm on to you. You're trying to distract me from negative news about you by saying ridiculous things. But you're no Donald Trump, Rudy. Rudy, you were two minutes and one second late today. How do you suggest I deal with this? The cast of "Pippi Longstocking" at Langston Elementary rolled their eyes at Mrs. Wilberforce. They should apologize!

Donald Trump's brilliant. Every time horrible news about him breaks, he distracts us will all the tweets. Like when he appointed a guy who wants to privatize Medicare. He distracted us all by tweeting that people who burn flags should lose their citizenship. That did seem to come out of nowhere. People barely ever burn flags these days. HOJ. Whenever he tweets, we'd be wise to check the back page of the newspaper. What's a "newspaper"?

No caption. (Barack Obama takes the oath of office from Justice Thurgood Marshall as Martin Luther King, Jr. stands to watch. They are surrounded by slaves as well as leaders of the civil rights movement and others who contributed to the advancement of the cause of racial equality.)

The young slave Frederick Douglass, having witnessed the barbarity of his master for the first time, ran and hid for hours behind a tar-covered fence. He fell asleep and began to dream… I fail to understand. These slips of parchment bear the likeness of a slave, yet people buy them from you. These are inauguration tickets, kid. They put a photo of the next President of the United States on 'em. Oh. Did the president flog them for printing the negatives? You a strange little dude.

Say what? Barack Obama wants me to be his new pastor. But he thinks you're a raving right-wing Liberal hater. They said something about a "Team of Rivals." He wants to be surrounded with people who disagree with him and will actively work to sabotage him. What did they say when you confessed you're not Conservative at all? I have no idea what you're talking about, you Godless Liberal elitist.

Barack Obama hasn't been to church since the election. So? That's proof he's not a righteous man. Proof he only pretended to be religious to win. What else could it possibly mean? What does it mean, I'm being "vetted?" Have you ever said anything even slightly un-American?