1. Our tests of ionic cyclical resonances strongly suggest that sometime between October 5-7, a massive explosion of flying gnat hatchlings will disrupt activities in the vicinity of Lake Erie. This will last about 30 minutes and wreak havoc on game conditions. If the Yankees happen to be playing here at this time, they must take precautions!2. Based on stool sample analysis and magma-plasma flow charts, we believe Carl Pavano’s right elbow is ready to burst into a thousand shards, potentially injuring teammates. We suggest letting him throw a few good innings in spring training, then trade him, immediately.3. Having studied Kei Igawa since age 7, we do not believe he has the mental capability to succeed in the MLB. We suggest the Yankees consider signing the Japanese relief pitcher, Okijima, who impresses us every time he comes to our home for private screenings.4. Roger Clemens will come out of retirement, bringing his special version of "pep" to the team.5. In our long and emotional talks with acting director of operations Steve Swindall, we have come to believe his marriage is shaky. Thus, he is likely to be jettisoned by the Steinbrenner family. We do not know who will be the next owner, but we are pinning our hopes on one thoughtful and insightful son, who has proven himself with the Florida Breeders Association to have the iron will and intellect required of a champion MLB owner.6. Phil Hughes is our future. We expect him to reach the majors in 2007. But it is critical that he be removed after 5 or 6 innings, thus preserving his arm. This must be done EVEN IF HE IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER. We’d like to repeat that, because some within the Yankee management have shown the tendency to overuse pitchers. Hughes must be held back, EVEN IF HE IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER.7. Do not see "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." We say this with great sadness, but the advice comes directly from Kiera Knightly, with whom we have slept several times. Often, Ms. Knightly delivered this warning while in a heightened state of arousal, when even such a great actress as she is incapable of lying.8. The Yankees should not trust Rudy Giuliani with any sensitive documents. We believe he is capable of being turned by the opposition.9. Alex Rodriguez will have an MVP season in 2007, but the Yankees must not give in to his contractual demands under any circumstances. We’ve had long conversations with Warren Buffett, who assures us that A-Rod intends to stay in New York the rest of his career.10. To maintain his focus, Kyle Farnsworth needs occasional water-boarding. We have made arrangements with "friends" in the CIA who can accomplish this mission. We hope the team owners will not be squeamish about this necessary activity.

In The Year 2008, George Mitchell will retire from law, baseball, and industry to pen a prequel to 2007's smash hit, The Mitchell Report.

Insiders say the book "will have nothing whatsoever to do with baseball, steroids, or HGH -- Senator Mitchell is done with that."

Set in a small New England town in the late 1940s, the novel, which is being written under the working title "The Mitchell Report: Episode III", introduces the reader to the hopes and dreams of people living in post-war New England, in a time when baseball meant one thing and one thing only -- the Redsocks; and steroids were something that Uncle George had that made it hard for him to sit for long periods of time.

"If that sounds interesting," says another insider, "wait until you read Chapter One. It's that good."

The book will conclude on December 13, 2007 -- when The Mitchell Report was released.

According to The Miami Herald, "Roy and Lea Black along with Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez (yes, that A-Rod) are hosting The All-Star Gala benefiting the AROD Family Foundation and Bay Point Schools on Jan. 19 at the Ritz Carlton South Beach. Among those expected to attend the swanky cocktail and dinner party: Pamela Anderson, comedian Tommy Davidson, Velvet Revolver rockers Scott Weiland and Slash, boxer Lennox Lewis, Rush Limbaugh (!)...

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

GROSS: In 2007, at one point, you were not publicly saying whether you would return to baseball or stay retired, and you, like, left everyone wondering what would happen, and there were a lot of concerns about whether you would stay retired or decide to come back. I was wondering, considering that you come from a single-parent family, and that you never met your biological father, whether any of that came to affect you in making the decision you finally decided to make, with the understanding that whatever your decision would be, it would also have been affected by your early entrance into the game, as a Boston Red Sock, on a team that nearly won the World Series, only to lose when the ball rolled through Mookie Wilson’s legs, allowing Bill Buckner to score; so, it’s one thing I’ve been wondering, what did you decide to do, did you in 2007 retire, or did you come back to the Yankees?

Monday, December 24, 2007

5. Mindy said: Wonderful and informative web site. I use information from you site. Its great. Want to make girlfriend scream? Our pharmacy is open all hours.

4. Anonymous said: The Yankees are great, and I love what you do. Would you like to add 10 inches of manhood and be Superman to make all the woman cry happy? I can help!

3. Bernie said: What the fuck is this? Does John Sterling know about this? I don't think you are funny, and I'm going to let him know what you are doing. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I bet you don't even make your girlfriends scream in delight. But if you call my pharmacy number, I can help!

2. Schilling forever: The Yankees suck. Red Sox are number one! What's the matter, fukwads? You got noting to say now. Woo-woo. Gahhhhh. Boo-hoo to you. Habababaa! I am very happy. I added 24 inches to my Chien-Ming Wang, and I won the World Series. Want to be stallion and keep her moaning all night? Call me!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Somebody noticed Stubby's shameful treatment of that office lugnut who didn't tell the IRS that players were tipping him for the extras, like making sure the trainers hide their syringes, or eliminating red M&Ms from the dreessing room before a performance.

"The guilty plea was barely out of David Szen’s mouth in a federal courtroom in Connecticut last week when the Yankees said, “You’re fired.”"So much for the Yankees’ practice under George Steinbrenner of giving people a second and in some instances a third chance. Szen, who in a 25-year career with the Yankees had been their public relations director and traveling secretary, apparently didn’t rank high enough to merit a second chance and so is the victim of a double standard."

For 25 years, the poor slob worked in Scroogebrenner's dingy, suffering office. Can you imagine the shit he ate?"Szen pleaded guilty to one count of filing a false income tax return. He owes the government $10,285, which is less than the $15,000 fine Steinbrenner paid in 1974 for making illegal contributions to Richard Nixon's re-election campaign."

Holy Billy Martin! How many times did this guy do the paperwork on players that Steinbrenner was forgiving?

The Times mentions a few cocaine abusers: Dale Berra, Rod Scurry, Rodney Scottt, Al Holland and, of course, the great Steve Howe. George took them back. Gooden and Strawberry pulled so much baggage I don't know where to begin the list. Martin's drinking. Giambi's juicing. George took them back.

This guy?"But not only was Szen fired, he was not even told he was fired."“They never called me,” he said. “I read it on the Internet. The next day I got an overnight letter.”"

Saturday, December 22, 2007

1. In May, shortly before the signing of Roger Clemens, Suzyn Waldman’s brain was surgically replaced by that of a 63-year old, cigar-smoking, bald bartender from American Legion Post 1287 in Chittenango, NY. The change caused Waldman to exhibit violent mood swings during Yankee losses, snorts of disapproval over misplaced bunts and a constant impulse to swish a rag over Joe Torre's forehead.

2. In October, Hank “Stubby” Steinbrenner won his third straight world series ring in the Florida Horse Breeders Association Fantasy Baseball League, displaying what competitors called a "pure genius" knack for dynasty-building. To a man, the fantasy league members describe Stubby as a “crafty,” “diligent” and even “wily,” an organizational dynamo who presents a buffoonish image to lure competitors into carefully laid traps.

3. George Steinbrenner’s health deteriorated markedly in July after an ill-advised attempt to eat 50 eggs in a half-hour, the result of a bet with Gene “Stick” Michael. Upon eating the 50th egg, the elder Steinbrenner “booted worse than Bill Buckner,” according to witnesses. He has not spoken since.

4. The war is over, and there is no recession.

5 (TIE). An secret FBI operative named James Brower infiltrated the Yankee organization for a three week period last summer. He was dispatched on a special mission by U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who'd become aware of a Scranton player using the name "Alberto Gonzalez." Due to the collapse of the Yankee bullpen, Brower never completed his mission. He was called up to New York, torched and liquidated. He no longer exists.

5. (TIE) The Yankees won the World Series: Fox TV actually aired digitally created "post-season," which was prepared by a billionaire in Dubai seeking to start World War III. In reality, the Yankees swept Cleveland, the Redsocks and the Rockies, playing games on a remote Pacific island. The stands were packed by human clones, who are raised for their organs. Upon winning a “lottery,” they pack for vacations but, in fact, are shipped to a Hormel Foods Plant in Duluth. Watching the Series gave them temporary pleasure. We should all feel good about this.

COLORADO GETS: RHP Luis Vizcaino, 33, who threw 75 innings last year for 4.30 ERA; streaky; carried the bullpen in August, wore out in September, lost playoff game 2 in extra innings by walking the leadoff man. Statistical astral twin: Jay Powell. Two years at $7.5 million.

WE GET:RHP LaTroy Hawkins, 35, who threw 55 innings last year for 3.42 ERA (Remember: National League totals); pitched five innings for Colorado in the post-season, did well except for Boston, in which he gave up a run in 2 IP and took a loss. Statistical astral twin: Jose Mesa. One year, $3.75 million. PLUS A SANDWICH DRAFT PICK IN THE 1-2 ROUND.

ON TEMPTATION: “With temptation coming from every direction and so many voices calling, “Try it, you’ll like it!” what’s a guy to do? Remember that God promised He would not allow temptation to be so overpowering that you can’t handle it. He promised that He would always provde a way of escape. The question is this: Are we looking for the escape route, and when we see it, do we use it?”

TWICE. HE SUCCUMBED.

ON MAKING THE MISTAKE: “James 4 tells us that if we’ve blown it, we must repent, admit we’re worng, and have a broken heart over what we’ve done. Merely saying, “I’m sorry” doesn’t come close to what God requires. When that’s all we’re willing to say, the only thing we’re usually sorry for is getting caught or facing the consequences. We're not sorry about breaking the heart of God."

CHRIST, WE ARE SCREWED.

MORE COMING, BUT HERE'S THE UPSHOT:

Andy Petitte is a great Yankee, and if he's lying about HGH, he's going to Hell.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Bill Clinton said this week that President Hillary would send him and George H.W. Bush around the world to repair America's reputation. It was a great idea. Think of the ways that Ol' Man Bush could have improved our standing…

1. By stating, "Read my tubes: No new offspring."

2. Serve as constant reminder of how rotten the previous administration was.

3. Go to Venezuela and spook Hugo Chavez by dropping his teeth in mixed drink.

Mr. Incoherency defends Clemens, (maybe, anyway), on his blog."What was your first thought when you saw OJ driving his Bronco down the freeway in a high speed chase?"You are right, it’s not on me to pass judgment, which I wasn’t, I was offering my opinion. This is my blog, I can do that. Please delete the link and stop searching for the site if you don’t care or hate me, it’s really that easy."

5. Carlton Fisk's 1975 HR that won Game 6 of the 1975 World Series? After a careful review of the tapes, it turns out that was actually Game 7. Sox win series.

6. Bill Buckner actually fielded that grounder cleanly. It was just an odd shadow effect on the film that made it look like it went though his legs. Sox win series.

7. Brian McNamee admits to injecting Bob Gibson with "whatever was illegal back then" before the 1967 World Series. Though he was born in 1967, McNamee asserts that "I was a pretty mature kid," and investigators have no reason to doubt his word. Cardinals DQ'd, Sox win series.

8. Improper language in the trade agreement for Babe Ruth. Deal voided. Yanks DQ'd in all years Ruth played. Sox declared champs in all those seasons, since, you know, they woulda won if Ruth had played for them.

Suddenly, however, board members find themselves in an awkward position, forced to deliver an early verdict on Roger Clemens, a Texas folk hero who has volunteered his time to the association while compiling some of the great pitching numbers in major league history.

For the moment, it is being left to the coaches association — a group naturally sympathetic to Clemens — to decide whom to believe: the Mitchell report, with its assertions from Clemens’s private trainer, Brain McNamee, that he injected Clemens with steroids and human growth hormone from 1998 to 2001, or Clemens, who on Tuesday said he had never taken steroids or H.G.H. “in my baseball career, or, in fact, my entire life.”

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Whatever you do, don't be a mid-level shrub for an organization of rich young jocks and underachieving millionaire offspring. This poor sap probably fed his children the leftover lunchmeat from Brian Bruney's girlfriend's mud-wrestling debut. The IRS nailed him. Don't expect sympathy from the Yankees. They doled out all they had for A-Rod.

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP) - New York Yankees traveling secretary David Szen pleaded guilty Tuesday in federal court to filing a false tax return and admitted he failed to report more than $50,000 in tips from players and coaches.

Szen, who took a paid leave of absence during the investigation, was fired Tuesday, said Howard Rubenstein, a spokesman for Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.

He faces six months in prison for failing to pay $10,000 in back taxes over five years.

The 56-year-old from Brookfield, whose reported 2005 income was $63,631, received tips ranging from a few hundred dollars to $10,000 for services provided to unidentified coaches and players during the baseball season.

Since the 1990s, the poor slob was booking flights, hotels and limos. He should have been supplying steroids. Then he'd have gotten immunity. Not to mention a book deal.

Monday, December 17, 2007

'Tis the season when authorities write their Top 10 Prospects lists, based on what they read in blogs, so they can later have predicted all that happened..Unfortunately, we’ve never seen these guys, and without stool samples, couldn't measure them anyway..But when you heard the name,“Melky Cabrera,” didn’t you KNOW he was a player? "Joba Chamberlain." Didn't you know?.“Ramiro Mendoza.” Twirl the syllables on your tongue: “Ra-meeer-o-men-doah-za.”.That’s a name..Thus, THE TOP TEN YANKEE PROSPECTS, BY NAME.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Last week, ending months of enduring more leaks than Mamie van Doren's implants, George Mitchell raised the most troubling concerns about fairness in this country since Clay Aiken was denied the crown of "American Idol.".Mitchell unveiled a laundry list of baseball players who turned to performance-enhancing drugs in order to recover from injuries and get back to work faster. Along with the images remindful of McCarthy Era mobs, which are always fun, the report raised one serious question:.Why aren't the rest of us getting the good stuff?.We get sick. We get hurt. We get tired..Aren't we worthy enough to be allowed to grow another inch?.Why do stars get HGH, while we get told to eat more celery?.If a 300 MG butt-poke of rocket fuel will allow me to sell more magazine subscriptions over the phone and, thus, perform as a more highly tuned economic engine, why is the U.S. medical system failing me?.As the presidential candidates sell their health care plans, let's hope they take heart to the real message of the Mitchell Report:.Let the rest of us hit some home runs, too..HGH in 2008!

Friday, December 14, 2007

From "Talking Fitness With Condoleezza Rice" ."WASHINGTON -- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is a woman who meets with princes and prime ministers but never misses a datewith her personal trainer.".Later."I feel better when I exercise. I thinkI think better when I exercise," Rice said. "When I get up at 4:30 I'm like anybody. I don't want to face the day. I think, 'Oh, I have to do this, I have to do that.' And after 40 to 45 minutes of exercising, I'm ready to go. So for me, it's not just physical, but mental, as well.".She has resistance work with her trainer three days a week...A case of abusing Human Death Hormore?

"Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank has always had a reputation as one of Hollywood's down to earth stars. But the "Boys Don't Cry" star admitted that she relies on a staggering health regime made up of 45 daily supplements as well as a series of vitamin injections."

According to a report: One active Major League Baseball player was able to keep his name out of former Senator George J. Mitchell’s report of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball even though he bought them, Mr. Mitchell said Friday. When he was notified by Mitchell’s investigators that they had evidence linking him to buying drugs from a former New York Mets clubhouse employee, this player brought his lawyer and met with Mitchell.

"Did you know that Pat Robertson, through rigorous training, leg-pressed 2,000 pounds! "Watch a video of Pat leg-pressing 1,000 pounds."Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?."One of Pat's secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients."

Dear Madam or Sir: Yesterday, you said the following: "Everyone involved in baseball over the past two decades — commissioners, club officials, the players' association and players — shares to some extent the responsibility for the Steroids Era. There was a collective failure to recognize the problem as it emerged and to deal with it early on."Well, well... that about covers it, eh? Let's see... the Commish... the teams... the players... the union... you forgot their wives and children... but that should do it, right? WRONG.WHAT ABOUT THE BIGGEST ENABLERS: THE FANS?That's right, Mitchell, you Redsock toadie. The fans.They're the ones who buy the logo underwear, read the ignorant memoirs, clap to the Gary Glitter (child molester) song and basically ruin baseball for the rest of us.Why do the players shoot up? Because the fans demand it.Why do the teams look the other way? Because the fans look the other way. Why is baseball corrupt? Because the fans are corrupt.WHEN WILL MLB SHOW THE GUTS TO CRACK DOWN ON ITS DIRTIEST LAUNDRY? THE JERKS WHO SIT IN THE STANDS.Think about it. Eliminate the fans. Play the games in solitude, without interference by those loathsome, chubby yips who scream into people's ears, litter the grounds with candy wrappers, and form lines 100-feet long in front of you when you have to go to the bathroom, and you can't wait.THEY ARE RUINING THE GAME.Frankly, sir, we were hoping for more from you. We guess the Viagra must be clouding your mind.

In this world of shabby rooming houses, furtive gray figures in dark suits, hop joints and chili parlours the Johnson Family took shape as a code of conduct. To say someone is a Johnson means he keeps his word and honors his obligations. He's a good man to do business with and a good man to have on your team. He is not a malicious, snooping, interfering self-righteous trouble making person.

(Burroughs had a name for "malicious, snooping, interfering self-righteous trouble making person[s]." He called them Shits.)

Yes you get to know a Johnson when you see one. The cop who gave me a joint to smoke in the wagon. The hotel clerk who tipped me off I was hot. And sometimes you don't see the Johnson. I remember a friend of mine asked someone to send him a hash cake from France. Well the asshole put it in a cheap envelope with no wrapping and it cut through the envelope. But some Johnson had put it back in and sealed the envelope with tape.

"At times during our exhaustive probe, we became too weary to continue. In those moments, Mr. Manny Ramirez of the World Champion Redsocks provided spirit and dignity, not only in verbal encouragement, but in his delicious protein shakes. "We thank Mr. Ramirez, not only for his gamesmanship, but for the courage he shows in living a drug-free life, and also for the members of his "posse," with whom this writer was fortunate enough to become particularly close."Thanks to Mr. Ramirez' shakes, this former Senator found himself spry enough to dance many a "jig" to the hippity-hop tunes played in his "raves." And if anyone doubts the intensity of my investigation, they are wrong. I probed each of Mr. Ramirez cousins, personnally and satisfactorily, and I look forward to probing them again. Why would anyone need steroids? Linseed oil is a gift from God!"

"One team stood out far above the rest as champions of fair play and drug-free competition. So clean and hopeful was this organization that several times, our secret investigators sought to infiltrate the clubhouse, dangling millions of dollars in front of mininum wage towel folders in an attempt to have them "spill" information about the Redsock organization. "Turned out, there was nothing to find... except a truly great team, a truly great bunch of guys, and a truly great organization... champions of the world, which I hope to see in the coming months firsthand, so that I can congratulate them over lunch. Bully!"

Since his nepotistic ascension to post of Senior Yankee Buttcrack, we’ve assumed Hank “Stubby” Steinbrenner to be a Dolly the Sheep clone of his dad: an evil, impulsive, dictatorial clod of gasbaggery who spreads money like manure over the furrowed filth of his constant booboos, leaving the rest of us to reconsider communism..And yes, Stubby looks like a 20-watt bulb, with the cigs dangling from his double-chin potato mug, claiming he is not stupid, which is the first pure sign of a medulla appendectomy, as he prepares to trade our future for another pitched-out chug-a-lug..But… it hasn't happened yet.

.

In fact, the Stubster has done what nobody in baseball ever could do (except in the post-season, when everyone does it): Make A-Rod look like a fool. Granted, he brought the choke collar back and will pay him too much. But, hey, considering that our other 3B option was the ghost of Charlie Hayes, it could be worse

.Consider this quote from Wednesday’s Times, when Hank was asked if he had seen the Mitchell report:

.“No, we really haven’t,” he said. “I think we’re speculating about it as much as everybody else. We really have no idea. I’m sure every team, every owner and every general manager is wondering the same things.”

.Hm-mm. Cogent. Lucid. He might pass a breathalyzer..Did the Times clean it up from the usual manglese?.Or have we been too harsh on the Prodigal Stub?.Is Stubby baseball’s version of dismal Poohbah offspring such as George W. Bush, Kim Jong Il and Ben Stiller? Or are we wrong about Stubby?.Might he be baseball’s Nora Jones, the daughter of that sixties dude with the LSD and sitar: a dazzling, fresh-faced pixie who lives to make us ask, "What's next?".

I’d have to go with George Bush and Kim Jong Il..But if we can dream of trading Wilson Betemit for decent shower massage, why not dream Stubby dreams?

Despite signing with the Yankees for $39.5 million in 2004, O’Connell said that Pavano was concerned about going down to the minors (as the team asked) because he was only 11 days from accruing 10 years’ service time in the majors and thus a full pension.

Apparently, the wily righty had invested his funds in highly speculative bonds tied to sub-prime mortgages, which is why he is so worried about his pension, according to an exclusive report that we just made up.

“I’m very excited to be representing him,” O’Connell said Tuesday. “I really, truly believe he’s going to have a very happy ending — hopefully.”

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Mitchell Commission, led by the Boston blueblood who greased John Henry's path to buying the Redsocks, is preparing to release his long-awaited report on steroids in every team in baseball, except for one.

That issue came to the forefront when word leaked just before the pivotal Game 6 of October's ALCS between Cleveland and Boston, won by the Red Sox, that Indians pitcher Paul Byrd had purchased human growth hormone. A day later, Mitchell released a statement denying any involvement in the Byrd leak.

"It doesn't make a difference what they say," an American League source saidregarding Mitchell. "He's one of them."

Later...

"It didn't come from Mitchell," a league source said of the Byrd leak. "It's ridiculous. Does anybody think that George Mitchell would risk everything he's built over his career just to help the Red Sox win a game?"

While much of the emphasis regarding steroid use has focused on West Coast teams such as Oakland, San Francisco and San Diego, three players who admitted to using steroids -- Canseco, Jeremy Giambi and Paxton Crawford -- spent time with the Red Sox. Another, the former American League MVP Mo Vaughn, admitted that in 1998 he used Pro-HGH, an oral form of human growth hormone. In 2000, Boston police found steroids and syringes in a car owned by shortstop Manny Alexander that had been loaned to the team batboy.