Last night was a nightmare. No, I didn't have bad dreams, I mean that it was literally a nightmare of a night. We went to bed around 1:30 and almost the second I laid down, I got a headache. I don't know how those suckers come on so quickly and without warning some times, but it was a bitch of one and it hurt like hell.

G spread some stuff called "Blue Oil" on my head and face. I got it from Aveda and it's basically peppermint oil and is supposed to help with headaches. Maybe he put too much or something, because shortly after that I got a terrible stomach ache. I have no idea why I didn't get up out of bed and try to take some Excedrin or something. Damn. I was in a state of half asleep, half awake and in pain all night long. I remember looking at the clock at various times in the night like 3, 4, 6:15, etc. and thinking I was in hell.

Then, of course, by the time I finally did get to sleep 100%, the fucking alarm went off and it was time to get up. I hate mornings normally, but this morning, I am HATING mornings. My right nostril is totally blocked with some sinus pressure bullshit, my tummy aches, and I still have a headache lingering from last night. I ask you: How do you recover from something like that to have a productive day? If you figure it out, let me know.

I have been stressing myself out way too much lately. The pressure of the upcoming National conference has been mounting and I've got so much still to do in the two weeks left before I leave. But the problem is that the more stressed I allow myself to feel, the less I get done.

There has to be a delicate balance here. I really have pushed myself over the past few months and have gotten a lot done, but it's still not where I wanted or planned to be. The trap I can't let myself fall into is freaking out now that I only have 15 days left and not getting anything done between now and then.

Sometimes knowing there is so much to do can truly be paralyzing. I am halfway finished with my novel, but I know that I can finish it before I go... as long as I can stay happy and as unstressed as possible (if that's a word). So, I was thinking... what is the best way I know to de-stress?

SHOPPING! Okay, so there is a tiny problem, of course, and that's money. I don't really have much money to go all out and go crazy shopping. On the other hand, I have planned out some funds so that I can buy a new suit or nice outfit for my agent/editor appointments. I can't spend much, but it doesn't cost anything to look! I am thinking that while I still need to get at least 3000 words written today, the time has come to take a "mental health" shopping day. Yes, it's completely selfish and indulgent, but fuck it. I deserve it, and it will make me happy.

And if you ask me, happiness is the key to continuing to be productive even in stressful times.

I honestly can hardly believe it. I know I have said before on this blog that I sometimes don't understand why celebrity deaths even matter to me, but they do. And this one in particular. I posted this picture also because that is how I remember him most from my childhood.

Michael Jackson was a man who shaped the music and dance of an entire generation... and beyond. His movements were liquid - smooth, flowing and so fast and fluid. He was the definition of "cool" and "smooth" to me growing up. My sister and I had the original 'Thriller' album and we wore that shit OUT. I can vividly remember sitting in our tiny little yellow house on Watson Street dancing to this music and running around screaming on the "scary" part of Thriller... I couldn't have been more than 8 years old. (I had to look it up, but that album was released in 1982, so at the time it came out, I was just 5 years old.)

Reading comments all over the web, there are mixed views on his death, just like there were on his life. Very few people can deny his amazing talent as an artist, but some people still are angry with him and believe that he molested little children. I don't know what the truth is, and now that he is gone, he is surely answering to a higher power than you or me or any one of the billions of people here on this Earth. There's no doubt the man had... issues. Hell, can you honestly sit there and tell me that if you were as famous as he was from the time you were a small child, and if you had a father that constantly was abusive, telling you you were too black and ugly, and if you were one of the most recognized faces in the ENTIRE world, you would have handled it much better than he did? Of course, most people say, "Yes, I would have been a better person." But the truth is, you can't judge another man until you've walked in his shoes. And let me tell you, if you walked in MJ's shoes, you would have been a freak too, I can almost guarantee it.

Watching his personal demise over the years has been a great sadness. So many people took advantage of him over the years, and he was forced to endure so much media attention and public stoning. I personally felt that if some of the people accusing him of hurting their children were more interested in civil lawsuits instead of criminal, there was definitely something fishy going on there. Everyone has their own opinion of what type of man Michael Jackson truly was, but it is my own personal belief that the man was a troubled genius who never hurt a child. He loved children more than anything. He just hated himself and I believe that he would have given anything to have his childhood back to live over again. Only God and the people who accused him truly know what happened, but people, when you allow your child to go into the home of someone accused of such crimes, you take those chances. Not that any child ever deserves to be molested or abused, but seriously? Parents who willingly allow their child to spend the night with an accused and trouble extremely rich man without a chaperone and then suddenly come up with their own accusations about him and want to only file civil suit against him... those parents are more whacked than MJ ever was. Just my two cents.

I didn't know Michael Jackson, of course. Not personally. As G has told me, he's not in my "monkey sphere". But I loved him. He made a difference in my life. I truly wanted to see him make a comeback and overcome the hate and sorrow and pain of his troubled life. I can only pray that in death - which has come way too soon for such an amazing genius - he has finally found the peace that he so desperately sought here in life. My prayers are with his family and his three children... and with his fans all over the world who today are in mourning for the passing of a truly great man.

I hate not sleeping well. Not that there's probably anyone who says, man, I love it when I don't sleep well, but you know what I'm saying. Last night, I just tossed and turned for hours, and when I finally fell asleep, I had nightmares. I don't remember everything about my bad dreams, but I know that I was trapped in a building that I could get out of with people following me and trying to catch me. It was not a fun night.

So how do you recover from a poor night's sleep? Is there really any good way? If you have to go to work in a normal job, you have to just make it work I guess. You have to just try to stay awake and maybe just drink a ton of coffee. Me, I work from home. So, should I go back to bed for a few hours? Sometimes that really does seem to help. I wake up refreshed and happier and ready to work. But other times taking a nap just makes me feel worse. I get groggy and disoriented. I start to feel as though I've wasted my day and now I'm too far behind.

I guess the answer is just to keep pushing through it as best you can. Maybe on days like this where I wake up tired and craving pizza, which my fiance won't let me have, I should just push through. The problem there is that writing isn't like most jobs where you can push through and just go through the motions. You have to be creative and original, put words to paper that weren't there before. How do you do that when you're exhausted?

I guess I made it through this blog post.... so maybe all is not lost.

People.com reported the above statement. It doesn't say if the twins will just be called Marion and Tabitha, but I have to say that I love the name Tabitha. I am very happy for them, and I know that SJP is going to be the most fabulous mom to twin girls!!! I rarely get excited about celebrity babies, but this time I really am. I can't help but love SJP, and it's not just because of Sex and the City, although that has to be a huge part of it. I have always loved her, pretty much all my life. Girls Just want to Have Fun was one of my absolutely favorite movies growing up. Sarah Jessica has always had style, and I have always had so much love and admiration for her. I wish her and her husband the very best and all the happiness in the world as they get ready to bring home their twin daughters!

I haven't been able to bring myself to read all the details about the crash that killed at least seven people yesterday during rush hour. Maybe this event hits home more because in just 20 days, I'll actually be in D.C., probably using the Metro myself.

How does something like this happen? Aren't there sensors and things that are supposed to prevent something like this? Two trains on the same track during rush hour. One train was just sitting there, not moving, and the other came up on it. It hit so hard that the compartment of the train was 75% compressed.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for the passengers of the train. One moment you're moving along, heading home after a long day at work. Then suddenly the trains collide and you go flying from your seat. It must have been absolutely terrifying.

They are saying the death toll is seven, but it's unclear whether or not that is a final report/count. In some news reports, they have announced they were uncertain if there were more bodies inside the compressed train because they had not been able to cut it open to see if there were bodies inside. I understand that treating the injured takes priority, but hopefully they have taken the time to find out, for the victim's families' sake. It's such a tragic thing.

Between plane crashes and now trains in the news, it really brings it home that anything can happen at any time. Even somewhere that you feel you are safe. I have ridden on subways and Metro type trains more than two dozen times at least and have never once worried about crashing into another train. It certainly doesn't happen that often thank God. It's just scary to realize that it's even possible.

I find myself wondering how life with a lot of money must feel like. Can you imagine what it would be like to never have to worry about how you'll pay for something? To never be concerned that your electricity will be turned off or that you'll default on your loans? To be able to just book a flight to London on the spur of the moment and make reservations in the finest hotel without a second thought about how much it costs?

Budget is a word I know very well. I have been on a budget for well over a decade now. Managing my money and trying to figure out just how much I have left for the month until the next bit comes in, trying to make sure I don't overspend and figuring out what might need to wait until next month or the one after that. Or knowing full well that something I really wish I could afford is just not going to happen.

Now, those sorts of concerns are decidedly better than wondering how I'm going to pay for my next meal. But I've been there too. I don't ever want to be there again. No, I've never been starving or homeless, thank God, but I remember a time when I searched my apartment for something of value to sell just so I could eat until the next paycheck got there. Those times are hopefully over forever. But I do wonder what it's like to just never have to think twice or worry about money at all.

They say money can't buy happiness, but can it buy peace of mind? What if you already have happiness in your personal life and you love your career? Will money complete the "happiness" equation? It's a good question for random Monday morning.

I could revise my own writing all day everyday. In fact, I could probably take one chapter from my current w.i.p. (work in progress) and rewrite it over and over and over... never actually loving the end result. Therefore, if I decide that I can't move on to the next chapter until I'm happy with the one before, I'll never get anything finished.

Now that it is crunch time and there are only 25 days until the conference, I have no choice but to enter non-editing mode. No looking back. Even if what ends up on the page is complete and total crap, I have to keep going. There just isn't time to turn back and rewrite and edit and pour over the text. I have to keep writing. In the end, I'm hoping that I'll end up with a mostly decent manuscript that can be molded into something sell-able.

I have a meeting with the editor of the line I'm targeting on Friday July 17th. If I'm lucky enough to get asked to send something to her, she will probably just want to see a synopsis and the first three chapters. Of course, there are rare times when editors request a full manuscript, but even if she does that to me, I'll still be able to take a couple of weeks to polish. That will mean some hard work and late nights, but at this point, it's my only hope. My only goal right now can be to finish this manuscript before the conference so that I can pitch it with confidence and say that it is done. Wish me luck.

I can't believe it! I've actually lost six pounds! There's still about 38 or so to go, but hey, 6 pounds is a great re-start after being around the same 190-195 pounds for the past year or so. I know they say diet pills are bad for you, blah blah blah, but I decided to try something anyway, and so far, the results are positive. I've been taking Apidexin, which I take twice a day, 30 minutes before breakfast and lunch. I started last week with Detoxufree 72, a 72 hour detox program of pills which definitely seemed to jump start the weight loss (but also made me feel like shit pretty much the whole time).

Some people online have said that Apidexin makes them feel jittery or nervous, but I haven't really had any of that. A friend of mine who first recommended it said that it gave her crazy energy, but I unfortunately haven't felt much of that either. Mostly, I just have a slight tummy ache most of the day, depending on what I eat. And I've definitely been eating better for sure. Subway and such rather than McDonald's or whatever. Yesterday we actually did go to McDonald's and I had a burger, which is something I almost never eat (and I have NO IDEA why I ate one yesterday - stupid decision) and I had a terrible stomach ache for the rest of the day. Thankfully I'm feeling much better today. No more burgers for me, I"ll tell you that much!!

With National Convention only 27 days away, it would be awesome to lose another 8 pounds or so. Is that asking too much? Perhaps. But I have a pair of jeans, a pair of cute khaki pants, AND a pair of very cute pink slacks that are all size 10 and I would love to fit into them by then. Here's hoping!

My dog won't even come out of her crate this morning. I think she hears the rain beating down on the roof. She's thinking, "No way I'm going out in that to pee, lady, so lock me back in here." She'll have to go out eventually, of course. It's inevitable. And from the looks of it, it's been raining for hours... and it isn't going to stop any time soon.

Flood warnings flash red on my computer screen and the handy 12 hour forecast shows puffy gray rain clouds with drops of rain spewing forth from them for the rest of the day. Today will be an inside day, for sure. Maybe my writing will come better in the rain. I certainly hope so. I need a good day of writing.

I guess a pen name is really something you shouldn't worry about until you actually have a book to put it on, but I want to be prepared so I've already been giving it a lot of thought. Plus, it's just fun to daydream about every aspect of my career.

The idea of a pen name is something that really requires some extra thought anyway. Like trying to figure out whether to even use one... That's a really big decision. There's a part of me that has always wanted to see my name on the cover of a book in a bookstore. My real name. And have people from various stages in my life say to themselves, "Wow, I used to know a girl by that name", then pick up the book and see that it's me. On the other hand, there's something to be said for anonymity.

I'm sure the craziest of fans will find an author no matter what. But I also imagine becoming a best-seller is a lot like winning the lottery - everyone wants a piece. People probably start coming out of the woodwork thinking that you have tons of money now and can help them out in some way, either by getting their book to your agent or giving them money outright. With a carefully guarded pen name, not even your neighbors know who you are. That could be a very good thing. Especially if I really do make it as big as I want to someday as a writer.

My closest friends and family will know anyway, but it's the mass of crazies out there who won't know my real name, and there is some comfort in that. I think I even have a name picked out: Abigail Rice. (And don't worry, the crazies still won't know just because I posted it here years before I got famous... after all this blog doesn't say my real name either... er, I don't think anyway :P might have to work on the whole "guarding" the pen name thing, but oh well.)

Abigail for the fact that my parents came extremely close to naming me that in the first place. Rice because it is a family maiden name. I know there's already an Ann Rice and she's more famous than I could ever dream of being, but that doesn't mean that Abigail Rice is a bad pen name. Hopefully not anyway. I'm sure my editor will tell me if it is someday. I need to have another 2 or three I like as backup just in case I actually sell something and my editor wants me to pick a different name. Any suggestions?? Feel free to share :)

This week is supposed to be about getting tons of writing done, with no worries about editing or things like that. So, how's it going? Big thumbs down if you ask me.

I'm having plot issues. This isn't anything new really. After all, I've been working on this novel off and on for months, and the plot has changed several times. This is really my first time writing with a specific romance series in mind, and targeting something so incredibly specific has been a lot harder than I ever imagined.

The trick is to write something unique within the confines of a certain type of story. There are rules to be followed, but as a novice, it's difficult to know which rules are important and which ones were sort of 'made to be broken'. The guidelines for Silhouette Desire on Harlequin's website are extremely vague and could be taken a million different ways, so I'm not finding much help there. My main source of ideas and inspiration has been other Desire books.

There are definitely some things they all seem to have in common. Like an obscenely rich, alpha male hero and a slightly flawed but lovable and strong heroine. They are mostly riddled with some kind of conflict that leaves me asking "how are these two going to end up together?" Usually, they want each other with a passion, but there is some reason that it doesn't seem right or that they know they shouldn't be with the other person. By the end, of course, they realize that resistance is futile and they will never be happy with anyone else. The love wins out and the ending is always happy and satisfying.

Sounds easy doesn't it? Trust me. It's not as easy as it sounds to come up with a great plot that matches the line but is still original and fresh. I thought I had it worked out, but after getting started, the plot just isn't working. Of course, I also can't let myself get into that vicious cycle of never really writing anything because I'm worried about the plot. /sigh. Writing is harder than you might think, that's for sure.

Bottom line is that I have 34 days left before this novel needs to be finished and ready to pitch to the senior editor. There's no time for plot issues. I pray I can figure it out today and get my ass into gear.

Pretty much all I have been reading lately is Silhouette Desire. That's partly because I want to understand the tone and the plots and the general overview of the line since I am writing one. It's also just because I enjoy reading them. There's something wonderful about reading a relatively short and satisfying romance novel about a very rich, very handsome, strong man who falls in love with an independent and headstrong woman. It's pure fantasy.

Maya Banks' second book in "The Anetakis Tycoons" mini-series, which is called "The Tycoon's Rebel Bride" is one of the best Desires I have read in recent months. I haven't read the first book, but I am definitely going to pick it up now after reading this one. The series is about three very wealthy Greek brothers who own a hotel chain.

In Rebel Bride, the heroine is not your typical straight-laced woman. Isabella Caplan has a belly ring and tattoos and she knows exactly what she wants... Theron Anetakis. He sees her as his responsibility and he fights his extreme attraction for her throughout the book. What I love about it is that throughout the entire book, I was asking the question, "How in the world are these two people going to get together and make it work?" There were so many obstacles and such strong conflict that I couldn't figure it out, which kept me reading. I didn't want to put it down. The writing is so smooth and seamless that I found myself constantly thinking that I wish I could write like this.

The Tycoon's Rebel Bride is in stores this month, so snag it if you want a fun and fast read that will turn you on and have you turning pages late into the night. The third book in her series, "The Tycoon's Secret Affair" comes out in August.

Two American Journalists, Laura Ling and Euna Lee, were sentenced over the weekend in North Korea for "hostile acts". They were first captured back in March and their families here in the States have been praying for their release. For months, all they have had to go on is notes that have been sent, but on June 4th, the two women went on trial and were sentenced to a shocking 12 years in a North Korean labor camp. My jaw dropped when I read the news, and I cannot stop thinking about these poor women.

You might be asking, "What did they do to deserve such a harsh sentence?" The answer is that no one really knows. They were near the North Korean border researching and reporting on refugees or people living in that area. When they left the US, the women had no plans to cross into North Korea, but according to the government over there, the women have been charged with "grave crimes against the Korean nation and illegal border crossing." No one is exactly sure what the women did, but in a country like North Korea it could simply be that they were attempting to report the truth about what is going on over there to innocent people. It breaks my heart to know that these two women are trapped in such a horrible place with no one to turn to.

Sometimes it is difficult to believe that there are really places still here on Earth that are so insensitive and still run by communist dictators who will kill without a second thought. It's hard to believe there are places where the word 'Freedom' is not a part of the vocabulary. These women took a severe risk by going so close to the border and even crossing it to get their story, but I believe that the Korean military owes us an explanation of what these supposed "grave crimes" are. To me, something described as a grave crime against the government has to involve something seriously violent (which I do NOT believe those women were capable of and would have done) or something treacherous and false. I know in my heart that the two American journalists were just over there trying to uncover some truth or something horrible that the people in that area are going through. To me, that is not a grave crime, but in North Korea, there is a different set of rules and a different set of beliefs.

Some people say it is the women's fault for going so close to the border and pushing their luck, and yes, they apparently did make that decision to take a risk. But how can you be so un-sympathetic here? We are talking about two women who are married and have families that love them. Euna Lee even has a four year old daughter here in the U.S. They were not bringing drugs into the country or smuggling anything or stealing anything. They were reporting the truth. They were possibly trying to expose the truth of the horror of what some people along the borders are going through over there. And for that, they will spend 12 years in hell? It's just not right, and I pray to God that our government does not just accept this and move on. I pray that we can find a way to get those two women home. I cannot imagine what they are feeling right now, and I wish there was some way to let them know that we will not forget them. It breaks my heart, and I feel completely helpless to do anything about it.

Ahhh... it's that time of year again in the Raleigh area. G105 is holding their 'Pick your purse' contest over the radio. Every six months or so, they buy 20 designer purses and for 10 days, they give one away in the morning and another away every afternoon.

And when I say 'designer', I mean DESIGNER. Fendi, Prada, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, Jimmy Choo, Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton... the serious names on the top end as well as several amazing (but slightly less expensive) designers like Kate Spade and Juicy Couture. Believe me when I say, I lust after these purses. Every time they do this, I keep a radio by my desk and I listen for hours a day trying to call in and get a purse. The closest I've ever gotten was a few days ago when they answered and said "G105, Caller 55". I almost screamed! I got through!! But they were, of course, looking for caller 105, but at least that moment proved that my phone line isn't broken, haha.

Out of all the purses, my very favorite is number 8, the brown Michael Kors. It's still available as of today, but I'm not expecting it to be there much longer. I also love the number 6, Chloe. I always love the Chloe purses they have on pick your purse. The Gucci, no. 9 is also very cute, but it's so small, I don't know how often I would really use it. I'm more of a pack-everything-you-can-into-your-purse kind of girl. I used to love little purses for going out, but I don't really do a lot of that sort of go out to bars shit anymore. Now it's all about being able to stuff my pens and a notebook and even a folder in it.

Damn, that Michael Kors purse is looking better by the minute. Haha! As most of you know, Sex and the City is my favorite show of all time. Carrie, who I love, is a freak about shoes. Now, Samantha loves purses, but really, the show is all about the shoes. I can certainly understand that, but to be honest, I go for comfort when it comes to shoes most of the time. I'm all about the flip flops. BUT, give me a purse anytime! If I ever make it big as a writer, I'll definitely have a closet full of amazing bags.

I'd love to be taking that brown Michael Kors with me to Indy this weekend, but unless Randi gives me a miracle this afternoon on G105, that's probably not going to happen. For now, I'll have to settle for one of my cheaper purses, but someday.... someday.

Sometimes it just amazes me how fast time flies. My cousin K (who got engaged over 2 years ago) is getting married to her very long-time boyfriend D this weekend in Indiana. It's hard to believe it's really time already.

G and I will be driving up there since getting a flight would be too expensive, especially since the wedding is far enough away from the city that we'd have to also rent a car. Unfortunately the drive is going to take us about 12 hours, which sucks, but it's definitely worth it to be there for them as they make this commitment.

We went to the mall last night to look for something to wear... the invitation says "Hawaiian Formal" and when I finally got in touch with K to find out what that is exactly, she said that most girls are wearing sun dresses and most guys are wearing Hawaiian shirts and khaki shorts. That, by the way, makes me freaking happy as hell. Don't get wrong, I do enjoy getting dressed up and we still are going to wear nice clothes, but I'm so happy about getting to wear flip flops and be somewhat casual for this wedding. Especially after driving 12 hours both before and after the event. Having to wear high heels and panty hose or something might kill me :P.

Anyway, I just wanted to post something in case I don't get a chance to post again this week. We have a lot to do before we leave and we will have to go pretty early on Friday morning. I will try to post something tomorrow, but we'll see. If not, have a great weekend all! Pray for us for a safe trip to Indiana!

It always makes me so sad when I hear that a plane has gone down. Especially when there is little to no chance of there being any survivors. I don't know why it makes such an impact on us when there are thousands that die everyday in car accidents and from heart attacks. Maybe it's just something about the fact that rather than being an individual or just a couple of people, this is a mass death. There is something powerful and haunting about knowing that over 200 people shared that horrible death.

An Airbus 330, which is a modern jet, took off in the early hours of Monday morning from Rio de Janero, Brazil on its way to Paris, France. The flight normally takes around 11 hours, but after only 3 hours of being in the air, the plane's automatic system sent messages back to its headquarters reporting that the plane was in trouble. The story I've heard so far is that the plane encountered a wall of very serious thunderstorms, then went down somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.

Search teams from Africa, South America, and Paris have been working diligently to find the wreckage or some evidence of what happened to the plane, but so far the search has not revealed anything. The average depth of the Atlantic Ocean is 12,000 feet... which is 2 miles deep. If the plane went down and sank to the bottom, I am doubtful if they will ever find it. They also aren't sure what velocity the plane hit the water, which will have a direct impact on just how much of the plane is still in tact to even be found.

I keep hoping there will be a breaking news report saying that they found many of the plane's passengers alive floating on life rafts in the ocean, but as time goes by that seems very unlikely. I was just thinking that if the pilot was able to control the plane and land it in the water like the one pilot did on the Hudson river, then maybe people were using their floatation device seats and other life rafts to stay afloat. That would be a much happier story.

I have definitely been in a plane where it was storming out and we hit turbulence. I have been scared when the plane lurched and seemed to descend rapidly. But I always grip the armrests really tight, close my eyes and tell myself, "This happens all the time, it's going to be fine." I can just imagine what the passengers of the Air France flight were thinking and feeling. It breaks my heart.

Forty three days left until RWA National Convention! When I actually start to think about the fact that I'm going to pitch my ideas and my books to a senior editor at Silhouette and a New York City Agent, I start to freak out. My stomach starts to do flip flops and my mind begins to real with the possibility of finally doing something that could make a difference.

I know there's a chance that I could go to the conference and have nothing extraordinary happen. However, I have a completely different feeling about it in my tummy. I just don't think it's going to be ho-hum and not a big deal. My greatest hope is that this is the start of my career in many ways. Even if I don't actually get a book sale from something that happens at conference, maybe I will meet an editor/agent who will like my writing enough to encourage me in the future and buy something I write next. I don't know how it will turn out. I just know that I'm excited and I'm determined to be ready for it.

"Ready for it" means hard work! I have tons to still write and revise before then, so it's a big few weeks for me. It's kind of a test in some ways. 43 days with so much to do. I know I can do it.