My very strong opinions about the first week with a baby

If I were a lady at Downton Abbey, my wishes would be obeyed with great haste. Food and nurslings could be summoned with a tasteful ringing of a bell and sent away with the same simplicity.

Instead, I live in the real world where I was a demanding and hormonal hot mess without the courage or words to ask for what I truly wanted. If only Anna had been around to read my mind and care for me.

Since I’m a mother blogger, inclined to take notes and stash them away for later reference, I had the “presence of mind” to write down how I wished people would treat me. I also had goals for how I wanted to spend my time with my newborn (but still not the manners or voice to ask for these things appropriately). Uhh, what’s wrong with this picture?

These opinions are raw, unfiltered, and TRUE. I might try to deny them if you corner me, but the fact is that I wrote this list when my third son was one-week old.

The stuff I wish my parents and in-laws (or household staff!) would do for me in a perfect world:

Cook all my favorites without me having to shop or meal plan or think about it at all.

Play with my big boys and help them feel special and cherished.

Dishes!

Fold the laundry and put it away.

Keep my house tidy or make it tidy.

Go away when I want space.

Change all the diapers unless I feel like it.

Leave the TV off unless I want to watch.

Wow, I’m a bitch.

First week goals.

Because I have done this baby thing before, my plans are realistic:

Short walks each day. Go after a feeding and stick within a block or two, so I don’t even need a diaper bag, which I am not mentally ready to assemble.

Nursing support group. Yes, I’ll need to face packing a diaper bag and getting myself there, but my nipples can hang out freely.

Nap around the clock.

The end.

Did you also want everyone to simultaneously help you out and get out of your way? What would you add to my list of unspoken goals and desires for the hormonal roller coaster first week?

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I had #3 six months ago. It’s easier and harder all at once. I wished for everything you wished for but I wanted it magically done without my having to say a word. And a tidy house. I also wanted solo time with my other two. When I had spurts of energy, I really wanted cheers for that (which would have felt empowering to me), not to be told that I should be resting (which would have made me feel like a wimp). Congratulations on baby #3 and best of luck with your new family of five!

Ugh, I hear you. I will be having my third child by the end of the month, and between grandparents and uncles, there will be six people in my house taking care of my three year old and 18 month old (all of them live 800 miles away normally) while I am in the hospital. Sounds nice, right? Except they expect me to make THEM freezer meals, and want my husband to drive 45 minutes each way home from the hospital every night to bathe and put the kids to sleep, and maybe sleep there in case the kids wake up. They consider this to be “help.”

1. go away but don’t leave the room. 2. they know I need my coffee EVERY MORNING. why would they not replace the empty can BEFORE I knew it was out??? 3. Lying to me and telling me how beautiful i am as I slurp my coffee in.a powder blue house robe is only gonna piss me off and make me wanna punch you in the throat. But don’t tell me and suffer the hormone induced consequences.

My demand is for people to visit at 2am-10am NOT 2pm. That time was when I REALLY needed the help seeing that the baby would sleep all day and be up all night. I did not need help when the baby was sleeping, but those 4am feedings…I could have used help.

I’m just glad no one stayed with us after I got home from the hospital. My mom and mother in law took turns staying with our oldest while I was in the hospital…but discreetly left when I came home. I can’t take people in my space…when I’m still out of sorts…it means I can’t do things My way…or I have to listen to how they would do it differently. It’s not that I’m a control freak…it’s just I’m very independant…

Our demands with #1 were that the grandparents (who all live across the country) not come for 2 weeks. We wanted to settle in, and I wanted to be able to nurse and nap and figure things out without others in my space, and without feeling the need to “share” the baby. With #2, we had to adjust a bit as I was on bed rest anticipating a premature birth, and we knew the unspoken concerns we all had and told the grandparents they were welcome to hop on a plane immediately if he was born early. If he wasn’t we asked for a few days alone and then that no one stay in our house with us which was super smart of us if I do say so myself;). It gave them all a place to go at night so that once the kids were asleep they left, giving my husband and me time alone and they were sensitive enough to “go have a rest” at the hotel in the afternoon on occasion as well. I found it hard to say what I wanted the first time as we knew they would be disappointed to have to wait, but we also knew it establishe boundaries that would be useful for years to come.

My in-laws showed up at 4 weeks and it was waaaaay too much having three adults in the house (one of which had Alzheimer’s) while I was a new mother. My childless SIL wanted to bring her fear-aggressive, barking, not-housetrained dog and I said absolutely NOT. I was pumping around the clock, getting utterly no sleep, and just plain did not want them in the house. I couldn’t get up and pace the floors with my crying baby all night long because someone was sleeping in every corner of the house. No one wanted to do anything but hold the baby (except when my MIL cooked and trashed the kitchen for three meals a day). I’m certain their five-day visit pushed me into severe postpartum anxiety.

If we have another baby, there will be no houseguests, period. Either they stay at a hotel or I do. Am I still mad? Um, yes. But I learned a good lesson: self-care is the most important thing a new mother (or anyone) can do for themselves. And sometimes that means doing stuff other people are uncomfortable with…like saying no, you can’t come and stay when I’ve just had a baby.

I have the best mother ever. She pretty much did everything in your first list after I had my first baby. I just wish she could have stayed longer than one week. I am due with my second in about 5 weeks and I really hope she will be able to do it again.