Description

Summary

The creators of Welcome to Night Vale open with an entirely voluntary public service announcement that the podcast is not real.

Arnie is pleased that the tavern is packed and enthusiastic. He introduces Chunt, and they both remark upon the very large table set up feeling like the Last Supper. Arnie comments he eats every meal as if it’s his last, which is obviously unhealthy; and Chunt calls him out on making notes that just read “tomorrow, salad”, which he pitches as Arnie’s new catchphrase. Chunt does admit he’s been putting off using his lone sperm (though he does not know where it currently is, since it was taken by the Dark Lord’s minions).

Chunt has been on Twitter lately and wants to know who Evan Hansen is. Arnie does not know. Usidore arrives, and he wants to know who Angela Merkel is, as he’s interested in having her join his quest. Arnie cannot provide helpful information on her either, so Chunt challenges him to name 3 things he knows: 1) red light at night, sailor’s delight; 2) if it’s yellow let it mellow; 3) there are only two. Usidore gets a very good laugh out of the idea of Arnie being an important journalist, and he in turn expresses concern that if Chunt and Usidore knew how to set up the mics they wouldn’t need him. Usidore has accidentally broken a medallion called the Stone of Arthesis, which was holding the souls of 47 sailors; then also drops his water.

The crowd in the tavern is very excited for the guests, and Usidore attempts to shoo away all the whooping cranes who’ve gotten in accidentally. Their first guest is Wade the Phoenix. Arnie comments that he’s looking a little rough. Wade confirms he really can rise from the ashes, but he’s died 12 times and they were all fairly terrible. Just today, Bruce Pyms the restaurant critic gave him a terrible review at his most recent venture. He is somewhat drunk and emotional about his fondue concept falling flat. Arnie immediately twists the knife by saying fondue is more of a one-time gimmick than a repeat visit. Wade continues that phoenixes love fondue, and he’s added to the experience at his restaurant, Crock of Ship, by making it last 7-8 hours. All of the ingredients follow a maritime theme. Arnie is still not sold, and is booed by the tavern. Usidore feels the biggest downside of fondue is using sticks instead of just using your hands, and Wade assures him he can stick his hands right in the crock.

The Phoenix discusses his other failed business ventures, including a “park festival”, which was just charging people to enter a park he rented. It didn’t work out, so he burned up and started over. Chunt tries to pitch him on adding entertainment, and in a moment of unparalleled simultaneous invention, they come up with both Six Flags and Kings’ Island. Arnie doesn’t quite understand why the Phoenix needs to reset his entire life when his ventures fail; but Wade points out it’s a great way to get out of debt, and his skills and memories carry over.

Chunt interjects with an email from from Alexandra M. Richardson, who has provided an explanation of who Evan Hansen is per Chunt’s earlier question. She says he’s a lonely window washer looking for love. Arnie asserts the quality of a work isn’t determined by the silliness of its concept.

Usidore gives the Phoenix an inspiring speech about trying something really different in his next life. Wade, however, though he’s strapped for business ideas, says the driving force in his life is the desire to fill holes in people’s lives. Arnie responds that he “doesn’t know how to fill holes, only fall through them”. Inspiration strikes Usidore, who thinks perhaps Wade can make a hole to Earth, and becomes very worked up about their obviously imminent victory over evil. No one else is convinced Wade is competent enough.

Arnie does continue Usidore’s thought, that if anything, death should be Wade’s big chance to not keep making the same mistakes. Chunt makes a very nice callback to “tomorrow, salad”, surely the hot new inspirational movement in Foon. Wade turns it into a new business idea: selling, in advance, salads no one will ever eat.

After the sponsor break, Arnie introduces their second guest, Janet the will’o’wisp, a glowing orb ghost from the swamp. She was passing through on her way to visit a professor, but investigated a curious clicking sound, and fell down a hole to her death. She is now very keen on getting everyone else to come to the swamp as well. Arnie is not sold, and asks what it has to offer. Chiefly, it’s great for body dumps. Usidore admits to having used it for this purpose.

Janet insists that the swamp is a great place, and inquires whether Arnie has killed anyone lately. He lists all the people he definitely was not involved in killing. She continues to suggest he might like a nice walk outside, which he would not, nor does he want to get up on the table. Usidore suggests that Wade expand “Tomorrow’s Salad” to include everything people don’t want to do and take all of Arnie’s money.

Usidore gets Janet to indirectly admit that no one she lures into the swamp will actually come back out, and confirms that the swamp is not being drained but is in fact doing better than ever.

Arnie has a sudden existential crisis about sitting as a method of execution on Foon, and tells a story about being a child sitting on his front stoop afraid to walk out into the world. No one approves of his storytelling, and defending his graduate degree in writing puts Usidore to sleep. Usidore goes out into the tavern to briefly talk to a crane instead.

Email from Brett Hart: Is Wayne’s dad a phoenix, and therefore still alive?Answer: Wade’s father apparently mastered the selling nothing scheme by founding a university you didn’t have to go to.

Email from Scott Zibble (?): how do I become a will’o’wisp?Answer: die in a swamp.

Janet suddenly feels bad about her afterlife, and everyone assures her they’ll go to the swamp with her. Tomorrow. They finish with a nice, hopeful singalong about how much better it will be then which is certainly not from a famous musical, and plan to also take singing lessons. Tomorrow.

Foon Sponsor

Foon citizens Randall Salamandall and Iguana Karenina (and definitely not Jeffrey Cranor and Joseph Fink, the creators of Welcome to Night Vale) telling everyone that anyone claiming to be from other dimension is lying because there are no other worlds beyond our own.

Earth References

Matthew McConaughey

The Last Supper

Dear Evan Hansen, incl. song "You Will Be Found"

Angela Merkel

Family Matters, Steve Urkel

whooping cranes

X-Men: Dark Phoenix Saga, Jean Grey, Wolverine, Cyclops

Six Flags

King's Island

Jerry Lee Lewis

Groundhog Day

All Tomorrow's Parties (The Velvet Underground and Nico album)

Mr. Show ("Thrilling Miracles!" sketch)

Clickhole

Clickbait

Swap meet

Janet Jackson and Tara Reid

Will & Grace

"Draining the swamp"

Popeye's J. Wellington Wimpy

"A Boy Named Sue" — Shel Silverstein

Getting the chair

University of Phoenix

"Tomorrow" — Annie

Notes

It is not known if this University of Phoenix is the same as or related to Phoenix University.

“The chair” on Foon is a chair so comfortable you just sit there for 15 days and die of starvation.

It’s good luck to spit in the swamp, and slightly less good luck to make a Mr. Show reference none of your co-stars get.