The following is a collection of short interviews of teachers at Seattle Academy. All were asked the same three questions “Where did you go to college?” “Why did you choose that school?” and “In hindsight, were you happy with your choice?”

Ask original questions to show that you care. If a friend looks sad, ask if they lost another pet to kidney disease instead of simply asking how they are feeling. I guarantee that it will cheer them up to see you care so much.

Beware of seemingly innocent questions, such as “does this dress make me look fat?” or “don’t you just love Starbuck’s new coffee cup design?”

Complain as often as you’d like to your friends. They never get tired of hearing it. Well at least I haven’t heard any complaints about it.

Do not show weakness. Some discussion partners sense fear (just like horses), and will rip you to shreds (just like horses). Of course, a person will usually only attack your argument, while the horses will probably attack you.

Exorcisms should not be performed during conversations, at least not until you get enough practice. It is hard to concentrate on reciting the correct Latin phrases to remove demons from their hosts while also paying attention to the person you are talking to.

Force laughter when the other person tells a joke. Take deep breaths from your diaphragm to make your laughs even stronger. If they catch on, fake laugh differently to throw them off.

Greet conversation partners that you dislike with swear words from obscure languages, such as Azerbaijani. Tell them it means “hello” in a different country. If you discover after insulting them that they are fluent in Azerbaijani, make a hasty exit.

Help your partner break down their self-confidence by looking disgustedly at their outfit. When their confidence is lowered, they are less likely to challenge things you say.

If there is an elephant in the room, address it immediately and send it to a wildlife shelter. Your conversation will feel much more comfortable when the threat of being crushed under the weight of a two ton wild animal is removed.

Jo Jo’s Circus was a terrifying children’s TV show about clowns. Don’t be surprised if the person you are talking to runs out of the room screaming in fear when you bring it up.

Kissing is not acceptable, no matter how much it looks like they are enjoying the conversation.

Look for common ground with whomever you talk to. Perhaps you both hate cats. If you do hate cats, be aware that your opinion is wrong.

Make up interesting stories.

Never lie during a conversation.

Obey both the M and the N tips. It doesn’t work to just listen to one.

Pepper your speech with quotes from imaginary literary writers. You will make yourself look smarter and the other person will probably be too afraid to admit that they have never heard of the “authors” you are quoting. Be careful around English teachers.

Question some of your friends’ deeply held beliefs for more thought provoking conversations. If they think that Canada exists, you tell them differently!

Retreating from a conversation you are bored with is easy. All you have to do is pretend to go into a coma and miraculously wake up after the ambulance takes you a few blocks away.

Stay away from blanket statements like “you can put a blanket on anything.”Talking is never a good substitute for conversation over social media, so people are certain to understand if you feel the need to look at your phone the whole time.

Undulate like a wave whenever music is playing while you are talking. It makes you look smooth. If the music continues to play, escalate your wave motions to tsunami levels.

Violin or piano concertos are sometimes played in the back of conversations. Just watch a movie. If your conversations seem to be lacking something, hire a musician to follow you around. They will provide appropriate music depending on the conversation.

Witty statements insulting appearance are generally not appreciated by the recipient, no matter how funny it is.

Xylophones are an uninteresting discussion topic. Please, spend no longer than two to three minutes on them if they come up.

Young children are likely to be confused if you attempt to talk with them about VHS tapes, floppy disks, or the pros and cons of Marxism.

Zeta is often one’s favorite Greek letter. Utilize this information as you see fit.