WE EXPLORE MARS LIKE NOBODY ELSE.
NASA spends billions and can only show you a pile of rocks, or a computer animated reconstruction. Is there life on Mars? Of course there is and our monthly missions can prove it! Come in and see for yourself.

Chris de Burgh once sang a beautiful, heart-rending song about a 'Lady in Red'. She was amazing. And he rhymed 'dance' and 'romance' like no one has before or since. I cannot be the only person to have thought at the time that Mr de Burgh had caught the essence of the indescribable in that song, he had managed to crystallise pure love, and transcribe it in three verses with chorus and a middle eight.

I thought that that was the pinnacle of the songwriting art. I was wrong.

You can keep your William Shakespeares, your John Keatses and your Chesney Hawkes. To my mind, only one man has ever come close to portraying the glory of love in verse. That man is Sting.

With his honesty: “Every move you make, every breath you take, I'll be watching you” and his elfin good looks, Gordon Sumner taught us how to love. He showed us that true love involved following people around, and watching them from behind newspapers as they met up with their so-called 'new boyfriends' or 'dates' or 'husbands'. He taught us that there is no shame in waiting in a bus stop for 19 hours until your loved one emerges from the scene of their shame to get the bus back to their house in the morning. He taught us how to fit out our basements so they would have everything they need down there.

Some sectors of the press would have you believe that all large corporate entities are nothing more than sources of unimaginable evil. This is simply not the case. We also make training shoes, and electronic toys.

We would expect this sort of leftist enterprise-bashing from the state-owned monolith that is the BBC. After all, what more does one want from the corporation that puts out such Stalinist propaganda as Panorama, Newsnight and A Question of Sport?

No, it's much more worrying that previously sound institutions like The Economist, the Financial Times and Rotarian Monthly have started printing pieces in which they support socialist nonsense like libraries, and roads.

These are worrying times, so we have declared June to be Corporate Month, to raise awareness of the hundreds of difficult issues that face executive board members every day. Did you know that every four seconds a profit, somewhere in the world, is lost due to avoidable lack of marketing? One every four seconds. That's four every sixteen seconds. And you could help.

Little Ntembe walks 27 miles every morning to get water for her family. If she would just agree to work at her local aluminium smelting plant like the rest of the nine-year-olds then she wouldn't have to do this. Just 14 hours' work could make her enough money to feed herself. Almost.

To donate money to this and other corporate causes, stay tuned during Corporate Month!

ASK THE PROFESSOR
*****************

Dear Professor Colander,

I have heard that the European Space Agency are either going to upgrade or scrap their ExoMars project for a Mars Rover in 2012

Yours,

Sandy Heudonym

Dear Sandy,

Of course the Europeans cannot agree on the specifications for their Rover, and this is just one reason why our efforts will always overshadow those of our continental cousins.

The French, obviously want the Rover to be equipped to lay out empty fields, and then collect EU subsidies for the extra arable space on Mars. The fact that they also want it to be fitted with a special 'collaborate' mode, in case it encounters anything hostile has led to many of the problems.

The German engineering on the Rover is excellent, but their insistence on draining the huge Lager Lakes on Mars' northern plains has proved to be a sticking point.

The Italians would rather just steal a Rover than develop one, the Spanish are too busy sleeping all day, and the Scandinavian countries are too depressed and drunk to do anything about it.

No, this is yet another example of where British grit and consistency will win out over all. Just like at Agincourt, Crecy and Dunkirk.