Post navigation

Last week Kim Kardashian was on an episode of the NPR game show podcast “Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me” which is a dumb podcast that is not as good as the less appreciated NPR game show podcast “Ask Me Another.” Kim was an utter delight, but NPR listeners freaked out that she and her voice were not worthy of being inside their elitist ear holes. And to them, and every other person who still makes fun of Kim, I say “YERRR BASICKKKKK.”

Still calling someone basic might be considered basic, but I think basic is a word we need in the English language. It’s timeless, and I think if you want me to eradicate this word from my repertoire, you might as well ask me to give up words like “love,” “God,” and “America.”

So, yah basic, Kiki haters. I was once one of you for sure. I never watched anything in the Kardashian kanon until the Caitlyn stuff happened and I still have no idea if Dash is a real store. I judged Kim sight unseen because of the sex tape thing and just her whole lifestyle in general, but I have seen the light and I think Kim is great. I think she’s smart, I think she’s in on it, I think she’s really sweet, and I don’t think she’s any worse than any other celebrity out there who is making money off selling their baby’s first photo spread to People Magazine. If you’re still stumbling around telling everyone that the Kardashians are what’s wrong with this country, then go find a middle aged white male meet up group so you can discuss in peace that and how kids these days won’t stop tweeting about what they had for lunch today.

And stop kalling Khloe “the ugly one!” She’s not the ugly one, and even if she was you’re rude and basic and probably the ugly one in most social circles. BYYYYE.

Happy Friday, Dream Lovers. Here is the newest video I wrote and co-star in.

In these deleted scenes of women in disaster films written by men, some probing questions will finally be answered, including “how does the modern woman facing imminent death in the zombie apocalypse find the time to keep her armpits looking so fresh and hairless?”

If you’re interested in my write about up about the video that was featured on Amy Poehler’s Smart Girl website, here’s the link.

On May 2, Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao go head to head in what is poised to be the fight of the decade. It’s sure to be an exciting and inspiring night that celebrates hard work, the human spirit, and the tacit agreement between advertisers and fans that money and sports take higher priority than the safety of women and children!!!!!!

Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a currently undefeated, five division world champion boxer having won 10 world titles. All of those words mean that he is really exceptionally good at beating up other people in his weight class. You know who probably weren’t in his weight class? All of his wives he abused!

Mayweather has been accused of 7 instances of physical assault against 5 different women, and in 2012 he was convicted for beating his then and current ex-wife because he suspected her of dating an NBA player. He came into her house and attacked her until their 10 year old child escaped the house and called the police. His ex-wife later said that had it not been for the police, she believes she would have been killed.

The statement of the events of that night from Mayweather’s 10 year old son

His punishment? 2 months in jail and an estimated net worth of 300 million dollars! Tough!

Now, what can you do?

Simple! Boycott the fight!

But, what if you can’t boycott the fight? Like if an armed intruder ties you to a chair and holds your eyelids open in front a TV. We’ve all been there. My advice is to root for Manny. He’s never been accused of domestic violence and searching “Manny Pacquaio good guy” returns some pre-tty convincing search results. In fact, in one article his trainer Freddie Roach says Manny is quote, “really against domestic violence.”

So now that you know that Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a serial abuser of women and all around poop bucket, I hope you realize that someone like him doesn’t deserve to keep on enjoying the fame our society has afforded him. And if you disagree, pick up the phone, call who ever raised you and ask where the beep boop did they go wrong?

Well, it’s that time again. The gals are back! No matter what happens this season, the first episode of RHONY always feels like someone wrapping you in an electric blanket as you drift off into a Lunesta sleep.

I’ve decided to start doing a video recap of the series because I feel like it and also because it creates the illusion that I’m doing something productive for my career on a weekly basis. I’m sure the episodes will change a little as I figure out how I want to structure them and get more comfortable with the idea that my 3 other male roommates can hear me wearing a leopard fur coat while I talk about Bravo alone in the guest room.

Let’s talk about the only thing I care about right now, The Jinx; or,Did You Hear That? It’s The Death Rattle of Sarah Koenig.

If you haven’t seen all of The Jinx; or The Masterpiece That Was Gifted To Andrew Jarecki Through No Merit of His Own then please move along. You, you sweet reader, are the luckiest of us all. You get to experience every episode for the very first time. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Stay away from all media outlets lest your deliciously ignorant eyes be tainted by spoilers. Goodbye, and return to me after your journey through a world you could never imagine.

Now that those losers are gone, let’s get down to brass tacks. Or brass tax? Like brads you use to fasten paper together or the taxation of brass? We’ll never know. Here’s my thoughts as they come because I can’t even organize my thoughts on this, there are too many.

Did the full weight of how terrifying the American justice system crush you after they talked to that Galveston jury member in the last episode and he was just like, “yeck-yeck-yeck, I’m from Texas, Robert Durst seems like a cool, innocent city slicker!” Even that horrible son-figure of Susan Berman finally came to Jesus and did the right thing by the end, though I hope he is haunted by his choices for the rest of his life and in his final moments on Earth he is visited by the spirit of Susan who will tell him that she forgives him, but God does not and Robert Durst appears, takes his hand and escorts him to Hell. If there’s an after life, of course.

I have a certain level of respect for Robert because every time Andrew Jarecki called him and just said “it’s Jarecki,” Bob always replied with “Hello, Andrew.” I mean that man definitely killed at least 5 people and probably countless cats, but he never let that human personification of a dyed goatee get away with something almost as bad as murder.

Oh yeah, Jarecki The Garbage Monster neglected to mention that Bobbie almost definitely had something to do with the disappearance of 2 teenage girls. Or that he left a severed cat head on the door step of the judge presiding over the Galveston trial. OR that he got arrested once for peeing on a candy rack in a CVS!!!!

WHY DIDN’T JARECKI EVER REVISIT THAT LITTLE TIDBIT ABOUT ROBERT DURST’S FATHER TAKING HIM OUTSIDE TO WATCH HIS MOTHER JUMP TO HER DEATH?! This is arguably the reason WHY he is a serial killer!!! I hate Jarecki so much.

Loved that “Annie” poster at the train station.

When that prosecutor with the weave was all “sonovabitch” when she saw the two “Beverley Hills” envelopes.

One last thing, as much as I hate Jarecki, watch the documentary on Hulu Plus called Capturing The Friedmans. It nearly ruined his career because it’s just another indication of what an imbecile he is, but it’s soooo good despite that little weasel because the subjects are Durst-level wacky.

Share this:

Like this:

I swear that I always intend to write a blog post that isn’t just an advertisement for a youtube video I or someone else made, but today just isn’t that day.

I made this little ditty for Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls in time for the Oscar’s, and I’m just showing you now because I’m trying to accomplish something in this day and this is the only thing I can decide on doing. Great.

So have you heard of that #askhermore business? It’s basically just all about asking women on the red carpet more questions than just about their appearance and who they’re dating. If you want my very serious and earnest explanation of the video and the hashtag click the “Amy Poehler” hyperlink in the previous paragraph.

Listen, I don’t care if you ask someone about their dress and their appearance. I really like attractive people and I like them on my movie screens fo’ sho’. But, the reality is it would also be really simple to start asking women about stuff that has to do with their career or any kind of question that would actually require them to use the jello mold living upstairs in that pretty head of theirs. Also, I think as a country, all of our contempt towards the Kardashians has been woefully misplaced, and we should all ask ourselves why we have let Guiliana Rancid (HAS ANYONE MADE THAT CONNECTION YET??? COPYRIGHT! COPYRIGHT! I’M USING IT FOR MY ROLLER DERBY NAME!!!) walk this Earth foot loose and fancy free of ridicule until this week. Finally, finally, this week that woman had to apologize for the damage she is doing to women in this country. (E!) True (Hollywood) Story, one time I drank a bottle of wine by myself and cried while I watched Fashion Police because I was so sad that anyone would participate in a show that was only meant to ridicule women WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIVES!!!

I know when I post videos up on this thing they just ping pong out into the ether of the world wide web and nobody watches them (I have site stats! I know you people don’t care about my illustrious youtube career!). But today, I will post a video anyway, one I think you should watch because you might just learn something. Actually, I guarantee you will learn something because the video is a 90 second lesson on the Paso Robles wine region and I know that the dwindling audience of this blog has very little to contribute to the Paso Robles wine conversation.

Am I wrong??? Am I???

Anyway, the video is from the company Second Glass, and it’s full of pictures flashing about the screen to keep you occupied. Give it a watch! My sexy boyfriend Nate made it! Don’t tell him I used his name on this blog because he doesn’t find my Carrie Bradshaw antics charming in the slightest! Can you believe I’m still using Carrie Bradshaw as a reference? Next I’ll start posting quotes “by” Marilyn Monroe. You all know she never said any of those things right? Neither did Coco Chanel or Audrey Hepburn! You know who has real quotes? Joan Didion! Joan Didion has quotes for days! Read a book sometime why don’t you!

Okay, watch this video and become the hottest smarty pants at your next dinner party.

Like this:

I can’t stand the Olympics. It takes away my regularly scheduled television programs for two whole weeks and then no one will let me watch Bravo because the Olympics only come once every 4 years and the Housewives are replayed twice a day.

I thought Whiplash was FINE. Not like, “what a fine film,” but like, “UGH, it was FINE.” I won’t regale you with my thoughts on how there were only maybe 3 female extras in the entire music school just about. Regardless of that, I hate films that involve too much drumming, or wild drumming. Or any movie where people get yelled at to practice instruments except for Mr. Holland’s Opus because trust that I will watch it every time it’s on TV.

I think polygamy is a cool and acceptable life choice as long as everyone is of age and like those Sister Wives people. I wish those sister wives could all marry each other because I think that idiot husband-child is just a major handicap and his hair looks over processed. The second half of this unpopular opinion is probably a VERY popular opinion amongst viewers of the show.

Ross was the comedic glue that held Friends together.

I never lost any sleep over that missing Malaysian plane or what’s up with the Bermuda Triangle or Amelia Earhart. I just don’t care about things that disappear out of nowhere unless it’s a coed on a spring break trip to Mexico. Serial Killers > Plane drama any day.