SO, you are a virgin. So, YOU are a virgin. So, you are a VIRGIN? Yeah? Well, why on EARTH doesn’t that surprise me, VIRGO? Well, first off, making love with YOU probably isn’t on any random persons “to do ” list – or a lounge chair’s either, for that matter. Why would I say this? Well, for lots of reasons. But right now, for the sake of time, let’s take a quick look at some of Virgo’s negative traits, go over them, and then see if we can’t come up some ways to overcome them and get you laid.

First off, you’re SKEPTICAL: What this means to me is that you might not believe that anyone would WANT to sleep with you in the first place. Although you would be right, remember, feelings SHOW! And what will happen is you will probably PUSH away, the one or two drunken hoboes who are thinking about giving you the “old roll in the hay”, with your “poor me, I’m so pathetic” spastic eye-rolling crap. SO, let me give you some advice, ok? You need to ACT like you’re all THAT, even though we know you’re not! Stick out that “salami laden” crotch on the dance floor – stuff that double AA bra with tissue! Shake those bony hips when you walk! You might actually FOOL someone into “doing it” with you. Hey, it could happen…

Secondly, you’re FUSSY: Say you actually get a toothless, IV drug usin’ guy or girl to drop his or her drawers for you. If I know you, you will somehow think that you are ABOVE them, thus insulting them and scaring them away. But consider this: You KNOW you’re ICKY, so quit being so PICKY. Relax and enjoy the no-tooth tongue exchange – you may just like it better than you thought you would!

Lastly, you are known to be INFLEXIBLE: Stop it! Just because someone tries to stick a dirty, gross oblong body part (like a penis) into a small, snot filled, oval body part (like a nostril), it’s NOTHING to get upset about! Just be grateful that one of your previously empty holes is finally getting plugged and shut the hell up! Just think … now you will be able to honestly tell someone you got some ACTION…They don’t need to know WHERE you got it, just that you got it…

OK Taurus-the-Bull, cut the crap. I know that one of your sign’s “positive traits” is that Taureans have a “fixed” outlook on life and the world. Although Taureans would like the rest of us to believe this means they have a “stick to it-ness”, as far as making and meeting successful goals are concerned, it usually means something else:

It’s more than likely that your “fixed outlook” means that you are the 4th generation backwoods, product of a trailer park family tree that does not BRANCH, and are stuck in the traditional family rut. This usually also means that just like your Daddy before you, you AIN’T climbing out of this rut, and going anywhere upward, anytime soon.

But cheer up! This doesn’t mean that living life in an incestuous, smelly ditch has to be TOTALLY depressing. It is true that most Taureans do not possess the “accessibility to change” gene that has made some of the smarter zodiac signs millionaires. However, there are scattered reports, here and there, of some of you that have actually climbed out of your rut high enough to become gainfully employed – making enough, at least, to be able to afford your Marlboros and Yoo Hoos, all by yourselves!

Good places to start a career and realize this dream would be one stop, gas shops, Wal Marts, or recycling centers. Go for the Gold Taurus, and one day it might be yours!

You may THINK you’re basking in public admiration today, however, it’s merely one of your many sycophant personalities trying to kiss up to your ego again; in reality, everyone thinks you’re stupid. (Although I will admit that it takes balls for someone to try to train their fractured psyche to be convincing enough to make them believe that others only want to emulate them).

Don’t take it personal that the world sees you as a NANCY BOY with no brains or social etiquette, it’s just that currently there’s not a big demand for narcisisstic assholes who like it in the A-HOLE.

And, on that note I would like to make a correction in regards to the way you THINK others view you – YOU say they see you as King of the JUNGLE? Well, general consensus dictates it’s more like KING of the BUNGHOLE!

Hey Libra DUMBSHIT: Even though you probably won’t be able to pull it off, at least TRY to hide your usual behavior patterns BEFORE you blow your cover with a new “love” victim.

While these boring traits are something that are common to YOU – an alien – they will surely fuck things up for you in regard to your latest “killing”; because “normal” people might just start to suspect they are dealing with a psychopath who isn’t dealing with a full deck. ( In other words, the same issues that always rear their ugly heads when you try to cover up your true intentions are in danger of popping up, AssWipe.)

So, if you wish to con yet ANOTHER victim, take a few minutes this one time, to REALLY bullshit your loved one (AKA “MARK”) so you can fool that poor fool for a longer period of time, this time. With a bit of effort on your part (can you at least do SOME of the work, sometimes? for chrissake) you may just be able to pull it off for a week or two longer than usual…..until that person gets smart and sees you for the stinky, bullshit artist with skidmarked underwear that you really are…

(On second thought, you’re a bonafide LOSER…why don’t you just off yourself and save everyone some grief?)

You may get that chance to change directions in life this week, after all, Aries!

That’s right! Your slack off attitude at the hardware store may just pay off and glean you that pink slip you’ve been dreaming of for the last five years!

But don’t let that stop your ambitions for success! You are NEVER too old to change careers! The stars tell me that YOU have options…

You can explore new uncharted territory such as taking on the role of a McDonald’s french fry cooker. Or you can walk the path less chosen and dare to become a Wal Mart Greeter!

All you need to do is ask yourself if you’d rather be a pimple-laden middle-aged fast food server, relying on lard and a lack of self love to lead him to an early heart attack in his sleep, OR, a zombie in a smelly blue polyester smock who gets to greet bitchy trailer park clientale 10 hours a day at WalMart, wishing for a fast painless death by suffocation while wolfing down his third McRib at lunchtime. The choice is entirely up to YOU!

So reflect on it a bit, and remember – with the full moon in the plumbers crack of the 12th house of URANUS all month long…things can’t help but come out right in the END!

Why don’t you try something different today? For once, step away from your normal agenda of scheming, lying and manipulating others in order to inflate your sad little ego, and close yourself off from the world to gain some insight. That’s right! Lock yourself in your room, put on your favorite elevator music cd, gaze into your own dead fish eyes, and ask yourself a few questions:

Why the fuck do I feel the need to LIE, INFLATE MY OWN IMPORTANCE, and TALK NON-STOP about stupid bullshit to anyone with a pulse? Why do I feel I have to desecrate any innocent person who crosses my path with stories they could care less about hearing? Why am I such a raving lunatic?

Delve DEEP into any possible reason that could be put on a list of culprits that help make you the idiot you are today.

Did your mommy not love you enough when you were growing up? Did you get propositioned by a department store Santa when you were five? Was your 7 year old psyche traumatized by accidentally seeing “Old Pa’s” wrinkled weiner hanging out of his skivvies, that time you innocently walked into the bathroom, not knowing it was occupied? Poor baby…

You’re in a rare place where you can pretend mental calmness and vitality, Cancer. Now is the time to let those who you wish were really less fortunate in life than you, know that you’re ALL THAT by lying about your successes!! But make sure they not only SEE what they are lacking in comparison to you, make sure that they also feel their failures all the way to the bone, as well. You may try something like…bringing a fake Nobel Peace prize to the office and setting up a shrine to it in your cubicle – OR broadcasting your fake TV debut on a new Life Time Television series! Impossible to pull off either of those scenarios? No worries – you might be able to achieve similar results by announcing things that actually happened. For instance, you could publicly brag about how your “slow” child finally made the honor roll at the retard school, or gloat that your fat-ass wife is pregnant AGAIN – and what’s that make now? 15 spoiled junior assholes? GOOD FOR YOU! The point is – run amok with any “gold stars” you can pull out of your ass – no matter how pointless they may be in the scheme of things! As far as this waste-of-a-day goes, ANYTHING is better than nothing!

You will be alert today, Gemini! But remember to bring out the BAD TWIN on the pretense of being in a “fog” so you can innocently and merrily stomp on the toes of others while going about your business for the next 24 hours. And anyway, who really gives a shit? Not you! It’s time the rest of the world learned that YOUR daily schedule is hectic enough without hundreds of ugly, unpedicured feet getting in YOUR way, always holding you up in your race to “what’s NEXT”! Besides, most of the cretins who will be mowed down by the “twins” today deserve it! Admit it – aren’t there at least one or two idiots who have irritated you long enough, with their “turtle’s crawl” pace and stupid questions? Use your nervous and irritable mood to your advantage and pull a “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” on them, get them all flustered and scared – this will keep them off balance. THEN in a “coup de grace” move, remind them it is YOU who are imporant, not the rest of the LOSERS. For that extra added touch, SMILE, then tell them to FUCK OFF!

If you sense a certain electricity in the air today, Pisces, your senses would be correct. And, YES! It’s all because of YOU!

However, realize that it’s existence was not pulled out of the sky by the infamous and highly-touted PSYCHIC powers you Pisceans are always bragging you have. Nope. The electricity – and that ever-growing heat you’re starting to feel – is coming at you now because some PSYCHO left a curling iron on again! Smell the smoke?

And just to make your day SUPER bright, know that everything you say and do for the next 24 hours will most likely result in the receipt of some mighty painful ass beatings from the various people you encounter and annoy with your inane mumbling along the way. So, why don’t you do everyone a favor – and keep yourself out of the hospital at the same time. Toddle off to someplace you can be alone – like a morgue – and tell your boring stories and stupid premonitions to the Grateful Dead.

Watch how your strategic errors in orientation make hysterical mistakes for everyone who has the misfortune to run across you today, Aquarius. Use those communication “problems” you will have with others to your advantage! Make those who refuse to listen to your insane ramblings feel like huge piles of shit. Don’t get frustrated with yourself because your message to mankind is psychotic and indecipherable – turn the tables! Instead – Make EVERYONE ELSE feel like WORK TRAINING bus riders for their lack of comprehension in understanding your genius! Set them up! Then laugh your ass off as, one by one, they run into the brick walls you’ve arranged – such like the bugs that suddenly find themselves in a poisonous Roach Hotel instead of the intended food cupboard. Observe their turmoil with glee, Aquarius! Pat yourself on the back and KNOW you’ve done a FINE job of screwing up the mind of the innocent bystander once again!