PAY IT FORWARD: Oh, Mom

It is true (and unfortunate) that most of the forwards we receive are sent by the hands of someone we love and trust, someone we thought would know better than to throw some worn out, misspelled, animated-gif-laden bullshit our way. Surely these people – especially those who GAVE US LIFE – wouldn’t litter our inboxes with such crap. Right?

DISAPPOINTMENT: YOU HAS IT.

The truly awesome kdiddy shared this week’s submission with me, which was delivered to her courtesy of her mother. Perhaps my favorite part of the email is her mom’s personal message (in kdiddy’s words: “Bonus: my mom’s corny ass intro.”), because it’s just so classically MOM – complete with disclaimers (“I know these kind of emails bug you, but…”), passive-aggressive reminders to call more often (“Be in touch when you can”), and pet names (which I will not be revealing because OMG I am 32 years old and I still get insanely embarrassed whenever someone on the “outside” hears one of my mother’s 436 pet names for me).

Actually, that segues nicely into my next point of how sort of FUCKING GUILTY I feel making even the gentlest of fun in this situation, because HI, I have about 287,965 pet names for Sadie, and I can already tell I will be annoying her with emails (NOT FORWARDS, though) (Oh GOD, please, NOT FORWARDS) when she is grown, and if Sadie is anything like me (which – sorry, child – she totally is), I foresee a scene in a supermarket 12 years from now in which I casually say, “Can you run and get me a loaf of bread, Sadie-bug?” and am met with a dramatic pre-teen snarl of “DON’T CALL ME THAT IN PUBLIC, MOM – GOD!!!”

Not that this exact scene played out in a Kroger’s in Charleston, WV circa 1988 or anything. Ahem.

Anyway, enough with the fretting about my daughter’s future embarrassment of me (which I have always been totally preoccupied with, by the by. Anyone else? Every time she practically explodes with glee upon seeing me walk into the room, I can’t help but think “One of these days, you’ll be slamming the door in my face – WAAAH!” I think my obsessing is my way of trying to prepare myself for that eventual rebellion so that, I don’t know, it won’t hurt so bad when it happens? Yeah. I’m sure that will work like a fucking charm). Well. I’ve totally fucked this paragraph, haven’t I? Let’s start another one and see if we can get this thing moving again.

Ah! Much better. Onward with the forward! My comments in italics! Turn your head if you’re squeamish!

Subject: FW: FW: Don’t worry…….be happy!]

Oh my. We have a tired old catch phrase, an acute case of ellipses diarrhea, and a random bracket. Things aren’t looking good.

Don’t take life so seriously!

OK. Internet, ever since having a baby, I have to admit my ability to find other babies & children genuinely cute has skyrocketed. HOWEVER: my disdain for creepy statues of nude babies wearing high heels remains intact. Also, put some fucking pants on your baby. Especially if it’s cold enough to necessitate A CARDIGAN, for shit’s sake.

Kdiddy’s mom described this baby as being “in the zone,” which – OH, MOM. That is totally something my Mom would also say, along with her recent adoption (and proper usage!) of the phrase “Whatever!” These things are all at once cringe-worthy and totally endearing and hey, now I miss my Mom and feel terrible for all those times I was a dick to her, so THANKS FOR THE GUILT, FORWARD. Ugh.

Can someone call CPS right quick? Thanks.

You guys. You know I love big cheeks. My day is MADE when I kiss Sadie’s cheeks. But that is mostly because I know said cheeks will not SMOTHER HER IN HER SLEEP. What the fuck is going on here?! Do those hurt? Are my car keys in there? Was there a very persuasive chipmunk involved 9 months prior?

Yeah, don’t hang up with CPS just yet.

In other news, is anyone getting the H1N1 vaccine?

Dingoes ate my baby!

Also, I think someone missed a snap.

My 15-month-old is SO SEXY, y’all!

Gross.

I know I just did.

You know what? Just tell CPS to come on over.

OK, so this chimp picture is actually an animated gif that makes it look like the monkey is shaking his head HAR HAR HAR, but as I had to enlist Brad’s help to get those fucking dancing kittens to work, which was apparently a pain in the ass…I’m just not putting in the effort making Brad put in the effort this time around. Let me assure you that you are not missing anything. Also, this gif repeats after the forward keeps asking “Tomorrow?” “The day after?” etc., and OH IT’S JUST SO FUNNY. Moving on.

I don’t recommend you try doing all of these things at once. It might be a little unnerving if you are, say, kissing someone very slowly while laughing uncontrollably. I also don’t recommend breaking the rules and laughing uncontrollably at work. Or a funeral. Or anywhere, really, unless you are prepared to tell someone you are simply living out your new life strategy, as adapted from an email forward.

That’s all for this edition of PAY IT FORWARD! And now I would like to take this opportunity to wish someone a very happy, very viral-meningitis-free, and also very belated 32nd birthday.

I think I’m laughing uncontrollably but it’s okay because I’m at home alone and no one will be wondering if I’ve lost my mind. I love these Pay It Forward posts. I only wish I hadn’t told everyone to stop sending them to me. I think I’d look at them in a whole new light now. (And seriously the baby with the cheeks…disturbing)