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How to insult the Irish on St Patrick’s Day

PHILADELPHIA - MARCH 14: during the 53rd Annual St. Patrick's Day Parade March 14, 2004 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. An estimated 10,000 people came out to watch parade which featured more then 120 marching units and included musical bands, Irish dancers, and Irish culture groups. St. Patrick's Day is March 17, 2004. (Photo by William Thomas Cain/Getty Images)

Well it’s no secret – it seems lately all the planet is “celebrating” St Patrick’s Day. On March 17, millions of people take the piss out of Ireland by devouring hamburgers, drink till they get knocked out senseless and by 9pm join the army of people vomiting on pavements.

So here’s your guide to being a terrible fake-Irish person on St. Patrick’s:

1) Wear a “Kiss me I’m Irish” T-Shirt. Big No No. Irish regard this as sexual & offensive … and yes … it makes you look like an idiot.

2) Call it “St Patty’s Day”. Every time someone calls it “Patty’s” they prove they can’t get through 24 hours without thinking of hamburgers. Paddy is short for Padraig. Pat is short for Patrick, which is an English name. You might be aware of a slight history between the two countries. You get the idea..

3) Wear an Irish Flag Cape. Every year thousands pretend to be Irish about as convincingly as Greeks pretending to be a horse: it’s obvious, it’s stupid and anyone falling for it will be very sorry in the morning. The most hilarious ( and offensive ) method is wearing an Irish flag as a cape.

4) Magically transform into an Irish descendant for a day. So … your late Grand, Grand, Grandmother was Irish? Great. Bring her over and we’ll buy her a Pint.

5) Thank St Patrick’s for anything. St Patrick’s wasn’t even Irish! It’s true, though he is famous for officially converting the Irish to Christianity & for screwing the whole Irish Eco-System by driving out snakes from Ireland. Saint Patrick himself was born in Britain! At the age of fifteen, he was abducted and enslaved by a group of raiders, taken to Ireland, and forced to work there as a shepherd for six years. He escaped, went home, and after becoming a priest he decided he wanted to go back to Ireland in order to teach Christianity.

6) Sing Irish Rebel Songs. The dumbest way of claiming Emerald Islishness is singing rebel songs and hating the English. Which is not only stupid, but embarrassing, because the Irish lost every conflict they ever had with those guys.

7) Drink Way too much on St Patrick’s Day. Every year the world celebrates the stereotype of drunken Irish by staggering and throwing up over everything and making them look like lightweights.

8) Drink any form of Green beer. Green beer is flypaper for tourists and wannabes … and an insult to Ireland’s proud heritage of Beer Brewers. You’re meant to order beer by name, or style. When you’re ordering it by favourite colour you’ve either had too much already or can’t spare enough brain cells to start drinking in the first place.