Kerry Positive On Abortion

Democratic Party presidential nominee John Kerry has confirmed that he is definitely pro-choice unless he is speaking in front of a pro-life audience in which case he will be Catholic but not Irish.

Asked how a Catholic could be in favour of abortion he said that he had spoken to the Pope who had confirmed that it was possible when "hell freezes over", which he felt was a thawing out of the Vatican's position on the issue.

In answer to his position on the use of condoms Kerry said that he was very much in favour of them because they were one of the safest forms of housing at a time when crime was rampant.

The Christian Science Monitor put it to him that his sitting on the fence was akin to prostituting himself for votes. Kerry was outraged : "If there is one thing we must accept now, it is that Bill Clinton's time is over. Yes, Hillary may be on the way at some time in the future and of course she will be pro-abortion, what with her familys needs but for now there will be no prostitutes just John and me".

Asked what he thought about the pro-life lobby he said that it was very tasteful but he felt that a few throw cushions would 'liven it up'.

On the shock revelation that he is not really Irish. "Well it's easy to see how everyone could have been fooled. When they asked me if I was of Irish ancestory, I thought I was being asked if I was in Vietnam, so I said yes but I gave the medals away. So they said 'surely you don't get medals for being Irish' and I said 'no but I was forced to shoot a few while I was there".

Do you believe that life begins at conception? "Hell no, everyone knows that life begins at forty. Sorry, my little joke. No life begins straight after the judge orders them to take you down. Then you are taken to a pentitentiary to spend the rest of your days playing housewife to some neanderthal called 'Bubba'...but I digress".

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