Posts tagged with 'girlfriend'

Ever date someone? Yeah… me neither, but let’s play pretend. Let’s say they’re nearly perfect for you. The type of person that not only tolerates, but even shares your hobbies with a pleasant personality; no shortage of devotion and enough physical beauty to put the Greek’s description of most gods and goddesses to shame. In short: the perfect fantasy. Now, let’s say with all their apparent assets there is still one thing about them that gets on your nerves; a single stain among the canvas of perfection that is your potential lover. You try to ignore it but it pops up in every conversation, and when you try to accept it, the very thought of encountering it again causes a sharp chill to run up your spine. Despite all their positive qualities, you can’t help but notice their one glaring flaw and have it mar the relationship entirely until you’re forced to break up with them. Don’t you think that sort of thing is a tragedy?

It’s not you, Laura. It’s the way you chew your food.

Taking a stab at the Roguelike subgenre, the developers at ACE Team have teamed up with the good people at ATLUS to give you Abyss Odyssey: Extended Dream Edition. A 2D side-scroller and an updated edition to the Steam and Xbox versions for the PS4, Abyss Odyssey is a game about swords and sorcery that takes place in Chile. Yeah, that’s right, I just said Chile. *Add wink and boastful head nod here.*

One of the few countries that actually looks like what it’snamed after. If you twist your head and blink.

A huge departure from most games in general, Abyss Odyssey takes place in a fantasy version of 19th century Chile. The backdrop serves as the ambiance to a rather mystical and dark setting for the tale. It borrows heavily from Chilean lore to infuse the game with monsters ranging from the macabre to the downright menacing, even as the setting may change drastically from floor to floor. The further you go into the dungeon, the more apparent it becomes that the developer, ACE Team, is very familiar with Chilean lore — it is probably a happy side-effect of basing a game in the country where their headquarters is located. The playable characters do not fall far from that aesthetic either, and feel like they were plucked right out of some dark fantasy painting hanging in the corner of some alternative art house. This all comes together to make it feel like you are traversing through some sinister nightmare… because that’s exactly what you are doing.

The story in Abyss Odyssey is a simple one but it does small and effective things to bring it to life. Though the tale of a nightmare becoming reality is a common one, this is the first time I’ve become so enthralled with the concept. Most of the story doesn’t take place in grand cut-scenes but is instead hinted at through character dialogue and the various documents enemies drop. Once you get the whole story, it brings new meaning to previous interactions and sometimes provides motivations for the main characters. Furthermore, Abyss Odyssey does an excellent job of integrating the game’s mechanics into the story. Wonder how the main characters keep coming back to life? Well, it’s because they are also part of the nightmare and, like any dream, they can be reimagined. Is it odd that the dungeon changes with every play through? Not so much if you consider it a part of a person’s nightmare, ever-changing and malleable to the dreamer’s will. These traits in the story already warrant high praise but that isn’t even the best part.

Every character has a story. From the main characters to even the lowly NPCs, Abyss Odyssey takes the time and effort to give them a reason for existing outside of the gameplay mechanics that they are there to represent. One of my favorite examples of this can be seen in the dying soldiers that can be randomly encountered throughout the dungeon. They are there as a fast and easy way to give the player a chance at more loot but each comes with a story all their own. Sometimes the story is courageous, other times it’s heart-breaking, and can even be downright embarrassing, but each story helps make the world of Abyss Odyssey feel real. Those dying soldiers weren’t there solely for the player’s benefit, they had dreams and aspirations all their own.

Protip: When you die, you really don’t. Before even reviving at the beginningof the dungeon the game gives you control of a random mook. Make it to analtar and you’ll be instantly revived from death.

The music does a fine job of complimenting the nightmare aesthetic. Each theme is a haunting melody of classical beats that wouldn’t seem out of place in your nightmares… only if you were more cultured and/or educated… you swine! Though, the way the game interacts with its music deserves some credit. Often times it can be used as an audio cue of what is nearby, and other times it can ratchet up the intensity of specific encounters. There is a certain enemy whose theme overtakes the current music whenever you find him. This sudden musical clash makes his appearance all the more terrifying during the fight. These sorts of “reactionary” musical queues make the music feel almost as alive as the setting.

So, by now you are probably wondering why, despite all of accolades I gave this game, it has a big fat 6.5 under its review score? You’re probably also wondering why I would start a video game review talking about dating? Well, that’s because I have a good reason for each. First, the combat sucks. Second, allusion is a pretty awesome writing device. To put it plainly, at its worst, the combat is a clunky and unresponsive mess and, at its best, it is a poor man’s version of Smash Bros. The shielding, dodge-rolling and fighting mechanics seem mostly there, but what isn’t there is the polish the titular party game has gone through over the years. So while the game may have the know-how coded into the game, it doesn’t possess the necessary grace to pull it off properly. The rigid animations and unresponsive controls lead the player to fight against the stage and controls instead of the monsters in front of them. So much so, that I began to dread every encounter because either my attacks would whiff past enemies or my controls would randomly not function the way they were intended. This also applies to the game’s competitive and cooperative multiplayer modes, both suffering from the same bad combat mechanics. It’s really quite the horrible stain on what could have been a great game.

Okay guys, as usual. No items. That weird-eye-lion-thing only.FINAL DESTINATION!!!

I could have forgiven Abyss Odyssey for anything other than the combat. This tragedy could have been avoided if the music was lackluster, if the story was bland or if the graphics were 8-bit. Instead, the game falters on its most important aspect, the combat; it drags everything else down with it. Instead of enjoying the world this game takes place in, I’m forced to drop it like an annoying girlfriend. This game could have easily gotten a 9.0 or 9.5, instead it’ll have to do with the 6.5 I gave it. It just wasn’t meant to be.

When not writing reviews as Unnamedhero, Eduardo Luquin can be reached at unnamedheromk13@gmail.com.

I found this ridiculously asinine list of apparent requirements that some random stupid girl threw up on her dating profile. Since it was so terrible, I decided to break down each line of it. It should be noted that this was found on a not-very-attractive “high skool” math teacher’s page. I doubt she actually wrote it, but who knows with these things.

The original image is attached at the bottom of the post.

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I want a boyfriend who:

– “Isn’t going to call other girls cute.”

Wow, how paranoid and/or low self-esteem do you have to be to actually put a stranglehold on whoever you consider to be your actual boyfriend to restrict them from ever calling another girl “cute.” Wow. CUTE is the barrier? A 10 year old could be construed as “cute” — is this person going to become super jealous if that happens? I assume the obvious point of stating this to begin with is that they don’t want their theoretical boyfriend to look at other girls, but the catch-all low-standard requirement just seems like a good way to be controlling of said boyfriend rather than being more afraid about having them, at worst, cheat on you.

– “Isn’t going to like other girl’s facebook photo.”

Despite the terrible grammar, that this is #2 on the list absolutely boggles the mind. Note that half of this world is made up of women, and most people in this world at least know one person that is a girl that they might be a Facebook friend with. I would guess that simply being a Facebook friend with a girl is an infinitely more expressive notion to having some sort of infidelity going on with friends that are girls you might have, let alone liking some stupid fucking picture. It’s okay to have cyber sex in private messages and talk about how many handjobs you would give in 30 minutes, but if you’re liking a photo, HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT, THE GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO SMOTHER YOU WITH THAT PILLOW WHILE YOU SLEEP.

– “Would text me good morning/goodnight texts :)”

Boring. Every single fucking day? Come on. Don’t people have different sleeping schedules, anyway? I would assume that someone who is this controlling would want to be with their boyfriend 100% of the time anyway so wishing for these texts are irrelevant in their very basic logical form.

– “Actually makes an attempt to spend a day with me.”

I like that “makes an attempt” is the standard. I guess it excuses anyone from actually having to spend a full day with this idiot.

– “Doesn’t want to rush things and isn’t just after sex.”

I already feel like this person wants to be married after the prior requirements. Who’s the real person rushing things?

– “I can be my complete self around.”

Because there are apparently multiple “selves” running around separated and once they are completed they shall combine into the Slime Lord, a hopelessly clingy and needy ultimate biological girlfriend that you don’t want. And Slime Lord is apparently in an “around” shape. I guess.

– “I can take silly pictures with.”

Isn’t that cute. WHOOPS! Let’s just take some silly pictures, girlfriend! It’ll be lots of fun! Never mind having any sort of commonalities in our interests or personalities. Just as long as we can take silly pictures, it’s good!

– “I can play xbox with.”

Despite the fact that Xbox sucks because you have to pay an additional fee to access any online fees, this girl probably only likes to play Call of Duty or at best Halo. Considering the rest of the list leaves no room for imagination in perhaps other types of games that might actually be more complex than “shoot the bad guyz” I could see this as a string of very painful experiences. Most of the pain would come from split-screen multiplayer. Yuck.

– “I can wrestle with.”

Wow.

– “I can cuddle with.”

Cuddling is less important than wrestling.

– “Respects me and my decisions.”

What this actually means is: “Here’s my fucking list and if you don’t fucking like it you can go fuck yourself.” I think I’d rather fuck myself, thank you very much!

Also, it might be a bit of irony that this is the last in her list. I guess being able to wrestle and take silly pictures with someone is more important that having respect from a theoretical boyfriend.

There once were five roommates who lived together. They all were each other’s boyfriends and girlfriends, but with a twist. They loved two people, but one of the two people they loved did not love them. Hence, “The Love Pentagram” was formed.

That was until they all blew up! Someone stole 42 dollars from the community jar for grocery shopping and someone didn’t like that, we don’t know who, but they turned on the stove and then lit a match and it went kablooey.

When all the dust settled, the remains of the five roommates were arranged in a pentagram floating above the rubble. The firefighters and police officers were astounded at the floating dead bodies and the weird laser beams pointing connecting to each other.

The firefighters blasted the five floating bodies with water, but nothing happened. The police officers blasted the bodies with bullets, and then tasers, and then rubber band balls, and then doughnuts. Water, metal, electricity, rubber, and even sugar didn’t break the demonic magic that held the five bodies in place.

Four days and three nights passed, as bureaucratic excuses and decisions were given to the cityfolk as to the new disturbance that was causing traffic on all the edges of the city of Bookhaven. This was worse than the time they were fixing the sewers. Everything was backed up then, even toilets!

That was when they called in the heavy artillery. Rhyluf Gufgilo, Civil Engineer Extraordinaire, was called in to alleviate the situation and make everything flow smoothly again as the oddly transfixed demonic Love Pentagram showed no signs of change after four days. Over the next 37 days, a large apparatus was installed underneath the city to rotate the city in such a way that no one would have to drive to get to where they wanted to go! Everyone on the east side of town would get to the western side without very much effort at all! All it took was a button press at one’s behest and they would make the city rotate.

It was only after the apparatus was installed that people realized this did very little to solve the problem. Everyone who wanted to go east now had to go west, and the people who needed to go west had to go east, and the people who had to go north had to go south, and the people who wanted to go south had to go north! It was all very confusing, and it made things even more confusing, like this sentence. Sometimes people who wanted to go west, had to go north! Sometimes people who wanted to go north, had to go north! It’s ridiculous!!!

The Love Pentagram began to change as a result of the constant rotating that had been going on. The Love Pentagram began to constantly rotate back and forth and then began to spin rapidly in an oscillating motion, like a washing machine. The citizens of Bookhaven became concerned and a large group began to gather around as people had begun to abandon their cars and started to walk wherever they needed to go in town.

Without warning, in the middle of the day, 5 days after the rotating apparatus was installed underneath the city, it began to collapse into the center of the Love Pentagram! More than just collapsing, though – it seemed like it was flushing down a toilet into the hole and all of Bookhaven was being sucked into the center of the hole. People were screaming as they tried to run away from the power of the Love Pentagram. No one could escape it when they saw it happening, and no one knew what would happen when they fell into it.

In less than three hours, the city of Bookhaven had been eradicated, leaving only the Love Pentagram left. The Ruins of Bookhaven, as the area is now called, had only a sewer system to show for it and it all lead into the center.

Where did all of Bookhaven go, you may ask? A new subterranean city was established underneath Bookhaven, called Bookhell. All of the trapped citizens of Bookhaven and their buildings, houses, and cars were there, forever.

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you *really* means…..

Darling – Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear – Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart – If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe – Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll – This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.

Princess – Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Sexy – Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend – He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!

The wife – If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half – You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.