On the cover: The Kimye nuptials — you know, the Royal Wedding for idiots — might be delayed until sometime after their son’s high-school graduation. It’s as you surmised: he wants to spend a billion dollars on a ceremony atop a 20-storey flaming pyramid visible from space, and she just found out through RSVPing that she has no actual friends. She’s feigning happiness but an insider says, “it is hard for her to keep up this false persona.” Is she sure there’s something else under there?

On the Cover: Tori Spelling’s Canadian husband Dean McDermott is “struggling with sex, alcohol and drugs” — must be more horrible than it sounds — and Tori is suffering financially and physically as a result. She’s deal with the shame the only way she can, by filming not one but two reality shows about it.

This week in twists: A man’s choosing to hang out with Kate Gosselin — it’s her business manager — and Lindsay Lohan wrecks a car with a sledgehammer. I guess M. Night Shyamalan writes for magazines now.

This week in old news: The contents page asks, “Guess which star lent Justin Timberlake his ID” to enter a club in 1998? Insiders tell me the right answer is “who cares.”

US

On the Cover: Apparently the Goopster’s approach to parenting her husband includes gentle correction like saying, “You’re such a moron.” Chris Martin couldn’t bear the Storm-Gooper’s Health-Reich a minute longer . . . starting a few years back, actually, when his wife caught him with Kate Bosworth. Kate told the Goopmeister she and Chris had simply been a couple “in another lifetime.” Earlier I bet she told Chris more something calculated to seduce, like “How about I shut up and let you eat a greasy cheeseburger off my perky, fat-plumped breasts?” Let’s end this here — I’ve written the most erotic sentence ever and I need some time to myself.

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