8 Clues That Your Band Sucks

A list of turn-offs that amateur musicians make.

I celebrated the holiday weekend by going to a party hosted by a couple of friends living downtown. Now, I have nothing against my friends or their friends for that matter, but there was something that I’ve started to notice more and more — there were a couple of guys there who had a “really great band” who were self-proclaimed, “one step from really taking off.”

Now, my gripe doesn’t have much to do with the fact that these wannabe rock stars are struggling artists, in fact, I applaud them for that. What’s so aggravating about the situation is that the party was clearly not a networking event. A majority of us were just trying to enjoy the extra day off from work and one another’s company.

But these donkey-boners had to spoil it.

If you’re in a band and some of these facts hit a little too close to home, then you might want to think about changing your image. And if you’re the one who finds themselves hearing some of these facts then… watch out.

1. Our band has a really clever name. “Yeah, we’re called Iron Wednesday… whatever…” If you hear something like this, run.

2. Our band was called something different last month. “Well, we used to be called ‘Ice Knight,’ and before that we were, ‘The Staplers.” But I think we really hit gold settling on “Coke Zero Holocaust.”

3. One of the band member’s girlfriends is really being a drag and holding you back. “If it wasn’t for Margo, I swear to God… We’d have a mansion right now!”

4. Our band is really kick-ass, but we need to get some new equipment first. Industry secret – if you’re really that good, then it doesn’t matter what equipment you have.

5. Our album was “produced” by that guy over there huffing spray-paint in the corner. Another industry secret – Producer credits matter big time to people in the music industry, but to everyone else? No one gives a shit. Especially if your idiot friend that pressed ‘rec’ on a cassette recorder.

6. We like to use the word “eclectic” to describe ourselves as much as possible. Chances are if someone’s selling you their sound as “eclectic” then they have yet to define the sound for themselves.

7. Our influences are ‘The Beatles,’ ‘The Doors,’ ‘Radiohead,’ and any other extremely popular musical act. Of course they are! It’s nearly impossible to escape those acts as part of the musical zeitgeist. That’s like saying, “I’m a comedian and one of my main influences is Carlin.”

8. Our Demo Release Party was at The Coffee Bean on Sunset. I shouldn’t have to say a thing about this one.

And remember, if you find yourself hearing any one of these oozing little gems of pretension, then do yourself a favor and find the nearest gun or fire escape.