A Night in With the Girls
Airing the Orchid
Auditioning the Finger Puppets
Beat the Beaver
Beating Around the Bush
Brushing The Beaver
Buff the Weasel
Carpet Bumping
Cat Got Tongue
Checking for Squirrels
Clam Bake for One
Cleaning your Fingers
Clitters
Coming Into Your Own
Countering Cunts
Creamin'
Coming Into Your Own
Cunt Cuddling
Dialing the Rotary Phone
Digging a Trench
Doing your Nails
Dousing the Digits
Drilling For Oil
Engaging in Safe Sex
Erasing the Problem
Fanning the Fur
Feeding the Bearded Clam
Feeding your Slot
Fiddling the Bean
Fingerbating
Finger-painting
Finger Blasting
Flickin' the Bean
Flit your Clit
Fucking Without Complications
Gagging the Clam
Gagging the Lips of Love
Genital Stimulation via Phalangetic Motion
Get a Date with Slick Mittens
Get a Lube Job
Get To Know Yourself
Get a Stinky Pinky
Going Mining
Groping the Grotto
Greasing your Hips
Grissle Rub
Gusset Typing
Having Sex With Someone you Love
Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw
Hitchhiking South
Hitchhiking to Heaven
Hitchhiking Under the Big Top
Jillin' Off
Jocelyn Eldering
Let the Fingers do the Walkin'
Levy Break Limbo
Making Soup
Manual Override
Muffin Buffin'
Nulling the Void
Paddling the Pink Canoe
Pampering the Pussy
Parting the Red Sea
Pearl Fishing
Pet the Petunia
Pet the Pussy Cat
Polishing the Nugget
Polishing the Peanut
Polishing the Pearl
Play Poker
Play the Clitar
Play Couch Hockey for One
Play the Silent Trumbone
Playing With Her Pineapple
Playing with Mrs. Palmer's Five Daughters
Playing With the Man in the Boat
Pushing the Button
Pussy Soccer
Riding the Unicycle
Rolling the Dough
Rubbin' the Nubbin
Rubbing the Donut
Rubbing the Red Pussycat
Scoring the Hoop
Soaking the Whisker Biscuit
Solitary vice
Spelunking
Spearing the Bearded Clam
Squeeze the Peach
Strumming
Strumming the Banjo
Surfing the Channel
Teasing the Kitty
Teasing the Tuna Taco
Testing the Plumbing
The Virgin's Release
Tickling the Taco
Tiptoe Through the Twolips
Toggling the Bit
Tossing Pink Salad
Three Point Shot
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Two Finger Taco Tango
Washing your Fingers

Intercourse
Etiquette
and
DecencyIt's for everyone
!
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1.)
NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes
her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your
money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss
is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

2.) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's
a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3.) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which
you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she
turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn
it!

4.) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5.) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like
they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them
gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're
a doggie toy is not.

6.) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger
and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly
area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7.) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East
and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body
which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into
downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8.) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.

9.) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store
it.

10.) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... And remember .. It is not
the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently
rotate your fingers along side of it.

11.) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop,
they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not
there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12.) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at
the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an
elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13.) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling
the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is
not.

14.) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand
down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a
chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it
can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first,
then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15.) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her
in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are
not.

16.) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some
move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a
couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are
passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or
worse yet, have completely stripped.

17.) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18.) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you
can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel
like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow
is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular movements.

19.) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or
stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.

20.) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the
whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her
pleasure too.

21.) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is
the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a
numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has
something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22.) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if
you really don't know, don't ask

23.) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a
giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and
concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24.) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that
it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.
It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair.
If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking
seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25.) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she
can do what's necessary.

26.) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27.) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN
MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over
them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an
end to your oral fantasies!

28.) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area,
so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.

29.) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the
waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an
excuse.

30.) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words
"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31.) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off
to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32.) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33.) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want
a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34.) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because
THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.

35.) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks
pretty silly when its summer.

36.) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a
big turn-on.

37.) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900
line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38.) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right,
and she might even do the same for you.

39.) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

40.) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
soup kitchen