This is kinda weird: on April 24, Cubs starter Jeff Samardzija cut his hand reaching for a comebacker. He stayed in the game, bloody hand and all, and his blood got all over some baseballs. One in particular was just auctioned off by the Reds. They got $130 for it.

But wait! There’s also a cheating angle to all of this! Samardzija speaks:

“There was one that had the most intense amount of blood on it for sure because it lasted about five or six pitches,” Samardzija said. “I had more opportunity to get a little bit more action on it. I think that was the one if they kept it. I don’t know how they got it, but it’s pretty crazy.”

Does the “more action” mean that he was inadvertently doctoring the ball? WAS HE THROWING A BLOOD BALL?! DOES DIRK HAYHURST KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

You get someone nerdy and argumentative enough and they’ll say that ALL semen has potential as a teratogen. Anyhow, Steve Garvey’s Seed is as nothing compared to the scourge of Bieber Fever. I’ve seen that shit transform otherwise intelligent and well behaved young ladies into screaming banshees with a glowing red eyes and claws. Don’t get near one of them. Kill ya’, mang.