Plus There's The Issue of Cultural Genocide of Ponies

My name is Jason Parks, and I write for Adoption By Gentle Care, an adoption agency in Columbus, Ohio. I reached out to Popehat recently, but I haven't heard back, so I wanted to follow up with you.

I’m writing because I wanted to talk to you about contributing to your site. I’m sure you’re aware that your readers really like it when you talk about adoption. I’m pretty sure your readers will appreciate what I have to say, and my audience will flock to your site as well.

If that doesn’t work for you, no worries. I’m also working on other articles related to adoption and the adoption process.

Do any/all of those sound appealing to you? Let me know what you think works best, and then we can hammer out the other details. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,

Jason ParksMajestyDiamonds.com[emphasis added]

Dear Jason,

Thank you very much for your inquiry. We at Popehat are, indeed, interested in adoption issues, and recently our interests have become more, shall we say, focused.

Would we be able to request an article on a specific facet of adoption — a horse of a different color than the standard article, shall we say? Our needs are specific.

Very truly yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Ken,

That would be fine with us. What type of article would you be looking for?

JasonAdoptionByGentleCare.com[emphasis added]

Dear Jason,

I am thrilled to hear it!

We at Popehat would like to see an article with muscular advocacy for a federal law banning adoption of ponies.

Americans think they have legitimate reasons to adopt ponies, Jason. Allow me to enumerate them: home defense; elimination of skunks, badgers, raccoon, gerbils, and other small pests; establishing swift dominance of local holiday parades; deterring neighborhood children from sneaking into the back yard and fondling Greek statuary suggestively; companionship for disfavored relatives; and tax purposes.

This is foolishness. Ponies sow turmoil and confusion, Jason. They are sent forth to take peace from the earth so that we should kill one another, and failing that, so that the ponies will kill us, possibly but not necessarily using our own high-end kitchen appliances. Americans who invite ponies into their homes will see their children's blood rain upon their Berber den carpets and cast-aside issues of New Yorker, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs when she is shaken by a mighty wind or a strong fat kid.

I am normally a libertarian, Jason, and believe in market solutions to national problems. But here the market has failed. I'm not just talking about the local market on the corner near the gas station that refuses to carry Diet Rite and has frankly totalitarian viewpoints regarding pants. I'm talking about the national market, the great unconscious 99-Cent-Store of the American soul, Jason. That market has not defied ponies. That market has put ponies on special, and has displayed them prominently on the checkout rack next to the gum of our besieged humanity and our weighty consciences in the form of magazine stories about Brad Pitt killing a Girl Scout with his bare hands.

Ponies make us forget, Jason. They make us forget our children. They make us forget our responsibilities. They make us forget our national honor. They make us forget whether our scam is using a diamond store or an adoption agency as a front. They make us forget ourselves.

Will you help us remember, Jason? Will you pen the savage, inexorable cry for the heart of America? Will you stand against the Pony Menace before they take away everything we have?

I'm not just talking about the local market on the corner near the gas station that refuses to carry Diet Rite and has frankly totalitarian viewpoints regarding pants.

This type of language conflates the policies of the corner store with those of actual totalitarian dictators, and only serves to normalize the use of the rhetoric of violence to silence free speech and dissent, exactly the way the ponies want it.

This type of language conflates the policies of the corner store with those of actual totalitarian dictators, and only serves to normalize the use of the rhetoric of violence to silence free speech and dissent, exactly the way the ponies want it.

Since there is no legitimate reason to want a pony, this is acceptable. It would in fact lead to a much better society. We can put an end to racial profiling by the simple expedient of arresting those who have ponies. Once we replace DWB arrests with BNAP (Being Near A Pony) crime will plummet.

>>Since there is no legitimate reason to want a pony, this is acceptable.

Chris, you make some well thought-out points that I'm afraid I didn't even come close to approaching. My thought was just the shock of how much scarier outlaws would have been in western movies if they had been on ponies instead of horses (ponies are simply the scary version of normally-friendly horses, right?).

"If ponies are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponies." Your heart is in the right place, but, well… wrong-o. No one can, in a basic ontological sense, 'have' ponies. Ponies have themselves. This key concept is essential to understanding Ken's heroic struggle against them. If we cannot grasp the fact of their terrible autonomy, the ponies have already won.

What's up with the remark about a horse of a different color? Ponies are just small breeds of horses, but I can't think of any that have markedly different coloration than a normal horse. I feel like I'm missing something here.

I'm not sure I understand the significance of the URLs. Are they spamming emails regarding a bunch of different subjects from one domain, and then when they get a response, switching to a domain specific to the email that got a response? Is there any data on whether these spammers pass the Turing test?

There is one kind of classic statuary that was intended to be fondled. Consider Priapus, the god of male potency. He is typically depicted as a gnomelike figure with an outsized…organ, and it was believed that if you rub his organ briefly when you pass by, the god's powers would be transferred to you. Why don't you try it and get back to us with the results?

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