Thursday, October 30

Feeling your mind expand and be molded feels exactly like speeding on an empty city road at midnight. That sense of wild freedom in a place that is usually so full. That feeling of recklessness, that wild and climbing sensation as you pull forward ever faster and faster, screaming with your car, hurtling at 90 miles an hour to a new destination.

It is so scary to grow and learn from people. But connection is such an intense craving in the marrow of our very human bones. Opening yourself, handling your heart to someone and hoping they will cradle it and not stomp it into the floorboards takes so much strength. But God, what a sensation and what a miracle when you finally do it.

I've always wanted to be close to my sister. I've wanted to be a person who could be having a hard day and immediately think to call her on the phone and complain and cry with her. The kicker is, we are ten years apart and so so different. She's medical, I'm English lit. She's Christian, I'm... other. She's so similar to me that I think I've been inventing differences this whole time in hopes that I would stop feeling guilty and disappointed when we weren't best friends when she came to visit from Texas.

But tonight for the first time we opened up to each other and I finally got to say some of the things I've been burying for so so long. I have had no one to tell these words to and it all came spilling out and finally, finally, after years and years I heard the one phrase I have needed from someone in my family. She's proud of me. She is with me. She sees me. And I am so grateful.

Monday, October 27

Monday, October 20

Some days (most days) it feels ridiculous that I am not 17. It feels so false that I live in my own house, that I'm not checking in with my mom before I go out for a night with my friends. It amazes me that my mother doesn't know my friends anymore because they aren't the people I have seventh period theater with or the people I walked to the bus stop with. It's ridiculous that I'm paying rent. And working. And going to college. And using a credit card.

Thursday, October 9

The raccoons fighting outside of my window sound like children being lowered into vats of boiling water and the sound of this song reminds me of your face in my hands. The indent you left on the pillow and the smell that rubbed its way along me as I curled into the sheets on your bed. Over shitty diner coffee you come alive for me and I feel sixteen again with your name on my lips. The tears never dried and the rip inside of my vocal cords has never healed quite right after all of those lonely nights screaming into my blankets.

I told you once what you did to me. I told you of the six year marathon I ran to get to you. I told you everything and no one stopped me, even though they knew it was meaningless. But at least you know. You know I loved you and you know what you were to me. You were golden days and painful nights. You were tears never wasted and the reason for years of sad poetry. You were a novel waiting to happen that people will read and see you as I did.

Once you said you'd loved twice in your life and that I was one of them. That was a pretty lie.

Wednesday, October 1

Happy October! The air this time of year just feels so alive. There is the anticipation of season's changing and the anticipation of cold weather. That means more time inside cuddling up under a mountain of covers with a mountain of treats and cider. Also Christmas as well. But mostly Halloween. This year I will be going to Rocky Horror at midnight. Don't let me forget to share pictures with you guys; it should be a delight! But even more than all of that. It's almost Thanksgiving. Which is the most important day. Because gravy. Also my stepmom makes the most delicious cranberry sauce in the entire world and I could swim in it, which I basically do on Thanksgiving.

I feel like I haven't checked in with you guys in a while. I've been posting a bit more sporadically than I would like to post and I hope to fix that soon. I've been feeling much more inspired lately thanks in large part to the poetry class I'm currently in and a new wonderful friend I've made. His name is Tyler and he is flawless and lovely. He writes a lot like I write and so being able to inspire each other has been a wonder. He also has a blog and you should go leave him some love here. He's astounding.

So here's a bit of what I've been up to and just some general thoughts I've been wanting to share with you all.

I started working in the Writing Center at my University as a tutor and I adore my job. I get to help all sorts of students write all sorts of papers and it is so amazing. I get to read papers about Greek mythology, mathematical theorems (not really my favorite, but I feel really smart when I read them out loud), German fairytales, psychology studies. Everything. It is so cool. I feel like I am learning so much from these papers and these students. It's doing wonders for my own writing.

I've been so busy with work and school but don't think for one second that I am not reading your blogs still and that I don't adore each and every comment I receive from all of you. The little community I've become a part of through this blog and through your blogs is so incredibly important to me. You are all so insanely talented and lovely. Whenever I need inspiration I fall right into your words and I feel so much. Thank you all for sharing your beautiful gifts and for sharing in mine. You have all changed me and helped me more than you could ever know.

I'm itching to get back to San Francisco. Or just to have another vacation in general. I'm hoping to get to Europe this coming summer. One way or another.

I really want to be Alex Vause from Orange is the New Black for Halloween but this guy told me that I'm already too much like her for it to qualify. I was both saddened and incredibly flattered.

I want some new blogs to love and obsess over. If you have any favorites, please let me know in comments.

Also where are your favorite places to get sweaters? I need some new warm and cuddly things to wrap myself in.

Well, this was random but I miss checking in with you guys. How is your fall going? How's life? (I promise I'll get back to the moody writing now. Just wanted to say hey)

Connect

Lovely Readers

words

Confess to yourself in the deepest hour of the night whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. Dig deep into your heart, where the answer spreads its roots in your being, and ask yourself solemnly, 'Must I write?'

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

-Ernest Hemingway

Study broadly and without fear.

-John Green

Writing is hard. Not as hard as not writing. Not writing is torturous, bloody, chaotic, and a gruesome winless battle. A writer who writes, knows peace, lives connected to truth. Not writing is ache, betrayal, death of the soul and imagination.