Today, Kobe is live-tweeting the Laker game like a fan. It’s actually pretty cool to see how excited he clearly is about watching the playoffs — the first time he’s done so since the 2004-05 — and probably the first time he’s done so with a rooting interest since his dad played in them 30 years ago. I imagine him sitting there, in his Craftmatic adjustable bed, waving a pennant, wearing Lakers pajamas, noshing on popcorn….

Now I know what you’re thinking. “OMG Kobe Bryant poops!” Of course he does. Scientists estimate that close to 70% of all people do. But the question should be why? Why are you washing your own ass? Why can’t the sexy nurse wash your ass? You’re Kobe Bryant. You could get a heart surgeon to wipe your ass. Jack Nicholson. Hell, Jack Nicklaus. Why is this a problem in your life?

This lack of cleanliness is clearly affecting his mood. Check out this agressive-ass-related-tweet aimed at his teammates.

What I would say if I was there right now? “Pau get ur ass on the block and don’t move till u get it” #realtalk

How about you get your ass to a shower/stop talking about asses so much. It seems like every week, there’s some quote about you referencing someone else’s ass. Considering you and butts have a checkered past, you should find a better way to express yourself. We’ll keep you updated if things get weirder from here.