Why don’t you think you’re beautiful?

When I read Kristi’s giveaway post yesterday,where she asked readers at what age they realized they were beautiful and what prompted that realization, I was saddened (literally frowning) by a few comments where some people said they were still waiting to feel beautiful.

It’s easy to blame what we see in magazines or movies on how we perceive what a word like “beautiful” should look like, but I think not only are we wrong to do that, we’re just plain dumb. And stubborn. I mean, how many times do we have to be told models are airbrushed/digitally enhanced in photos until we start truly believing it?

It goes deeper than looks, too — which a lot of comments on Kristi’s post also got into. That made me smile. I mean, have you ever met someone that just exuded so much genuine confidence that you just want to be around them 24/7 because they make you feel good? That’s beautiful. Have you ever met someone who is physically easy on the eyes but is rude, annoying and/or completely devoid of any personality? That’s not beautiful. To me, anyway. Usually, you hear people saying, “They’re very attractive, but…” about those people.

We sabotage ourselves with words like this. I know how much I hate being called “cute”and I’d rather be called beautiful, gorgeous, etc. — but the best thing about self-image is that you can really be anything you want to be, especially when it comes to words. I’ll tell you one thing, I never look in the mirror and think/say, “I look cute”. Why waste such a word on myself, when there are sooo many others? Nope, look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I look beautiful” or “I look smashing” (with a hip-pop and an accent, even) You’ll feel great, I swear — even if you’re laughing at yourself for doing a hip-pop. Define words like that for yourself. Literally.

And don’t let me see you say crap like that again.

Amanda Talar

39 Responses

good topic manders!firstly everyone is beautiful in their own way, But I do subscribe and beleive in having a phsycil standard of beauty to aspire to.Being goal oriented and motivated s allways good. and appearance and beauty is no exception.The road to compromise is to have no standards at all. and what a horrible world that would be dont you think?

I was wondering if those commenters were doing some compliment fishing and waiting for someone to say “girl, you’re beautiful no matter what” or something.

But regardless, it’s sad. When my great-grandmother died about 5 years ago (a month shy of 100!), my mom’s cousin (a professional photographer) put together a photo album of pictures of her and special things around her house that we all remembered. One of the pictures was just of her hands. I’m sure it was taken well into the woman’s 90s, so you can imagine the thin skin, wrinkles, sun spots, etc. Looking at the picture just makes you think of what those hands have been through… they raised five girls, saw dozens of grand, great grand and even one great-great grandchild, pain, happiness, and so on.

I was shopping with a guy recently and I was saying how the clothes in certain stores don’t fit properly (short+curvy=hard-to-dress). I said, “I don’t shop there because I don’t fit their clothes.” He corrected me and said, “No – THEIR clothes don’t fit YOU.”

His point was that we think of ourselves in terms of how we fit in and compare to others. He’s right, of course, and I thanked him for remindming me.

that picture of Kim K up there says it all – yes she is beautiful, but it takes a LOT of makeup, styling, and editing to make her look so good. If you google “photoshop before and after” you will be amazed at some of the work that has been done on magazine photos – there are also a few videos that show the process it takes and how they can make a 350 lb person look 125 lbs. Its pretty enlightening.

That being said, I was also a bit saddened by some of the comments yesterday. For me, feeling beautiful is all about surrounding myself with the right people. If the people in your life don’t tell you how beautiful of a person you are (inside and out) then you aren’t in the right crowd!

The pictures of Kim are a great example. I know magazine pictures are enhanced, but when I’m sitting enviously staring at the pictures, that thought really doesn’t cross my mind.

Your comment about being around people who “exuded so much genuine confidence that you just want to be around them 24/7” brought to mind a couple of friends – and no one would look at these people and say they were beautiful! But they are so beautiful to me – deep down they are beautiful people!

Totally OT – can Marlon really not spell or is he just a really poor typist?

i was one of the commenters yesterday that said i’m still waiting. I said that not because I was fishing for a compliment, but because I feel that somethings about me are beautiful, and others are not. There are somethings that I absolutely love, and others I am trying to fix. I have felt beautiful in the past, but it’s a constant struggle for me. I can’t say that I am beautiful all the time and so therefore I am still waiting to realize that I am beautiful.

You say Why don’t you think your beautiful? And my answer is because I’m not. Not everyone has the self-confidence or whatever it is to feel beautiful. I went all through high school without ever being asked out on a date. My husband tells me im beautiful I look in the mirror, I look at pictures, and say “nope -don’t see it”. .. I’m overweight, impatient, and feel so incredibly stupid when someone points out I’m wrong about something. So here I am 47 years old – I’m not fishing for compliments because I wouldn’t believe you anyway. I’m just saying – not everybody is beautiful.

This is interesting because it relates to your Hot vs Moderate post. People become more/less attractive based on their personality. Of course there are limits to this but it can play a significant role.

Its also a lot easier to reinforce telling yourself you are beautiful when everyone else is reinforcing it on a daily basis. Of course I hope no one has those thoughts either.

If I didn’t know any better, I would think you have been reading my mind lately with some of the topics of your posts. Hmm, maybe there are psychics after all? 😉

Just last night I was browsing the Altamont Fair photos here in the “SEEN” section. When I first started looking through them I was thinking, “Wow there are some definite rednecks at this fair…I’m so glad I don’t look like that!”

But then I suddenly stopped myself. I realized that this is no way to be treating other people. I recently made a promise to myself to stop being so judgmental and pessimistic, and I was clearly not living up to that goal.

So what did I do? I looked over each and every photo once again and thought about person behind that face. I dreamed of the stories they may have and thought about the human being, the soul, in that picture.

It felt like a moment out of a movie. A realization that, just because I don’t know these people personally, they are still beautiful people. They have entire lives that I will never, ever know about. I will probably never see some of these people face-to-face. But, in spite of this separation, we still share one thing: they experience the same emotions that I do. In that moment, I felt more connected to humanity than I have ever felt before. It was touching.

I can’t help it. Even though I know logically that I am reasonably attractive, especially if I work and style myself, it still makes me light up when another person tells me I am beautiful.

It’s just nice to hear once in a while.

As a former ugly duckling from high school, I think us “homely people who didn’t fit the norm” had more chances to work on personalities and being kind. And when we blossom late in life, hopefully we are beautiful on inside and outside always.

I think for the reluctant, the question hinges on the definition of “beautiful.” Is it = “resembles the current ideal body image?” Of course just being a member of society forces (or at least encourages) one to conform to some norms (shaving, showering, dressing, etc.) and the attention on “healthy living” that is everywhere also creates pressure to embrace a certain lifestyle (low fat, exercise, weight conforming to chart recommendations, no smoking, etc.) even among those of us who shun popular media images.

About 20 years ago, when at work someone asked, “if you could be either smarter or prettier, which would you choose?” The office was on campus, and the staff was all 20-something women, mostly graduate students, as a group already bright and attractive. Everyone, and I mean everyone, said without hesitation: prettier. Why? Because all felt they were smart enough, and that becoming any smarter would be a barrier to dating, and maybe even to getting through life!

Recently I scanned hundreds of old pictures of friends and family to share on FB. I was struck, as I went through them, how “beautiful” we all were, when I know most (if not all) of us did not have that opinion at the time. So does “beautiful” = “youth?”

It’s true beauty is relative, and we all judge poeple on how they look whether we realize it or not. And some more than others. We tend to listen to “pretty poeple” more. Statistics show taller poeple get better jobs, thinner people get hired more. I’m not saying it’s fair..I myself am short and fat. At first glance, sometimes we write people off, only later to find out, they are cool and beautiful in their own way…

I was referring to physical beauty when I said I wasn’t beautiful. And, of course, I wasn’t fishing for compliments. I don’t even have a picture posted online anywhere. Why would anyone tell me I’m beautiful?

I do think there are general standards for physical beauty, and I just don’t believe that I meet them. That said, it’s not the end of the world. I may not be “beautiful” but I can be very sexy. Sexy is behavior and attitude to me. And, frankly, if someone gave me a choice of prettier or smarter, I would pick smarter. I don’t think anyone can be too smart. I wouldn’t mind being prettier but my life is OK without that.

kvp, do you really believe beauty is only skin deep? i don’t know any adult that feels this way… there are so many things that comprise beauty, like attitude, personality, sense of humor – you know, inner beauty. i think anyone from a plain jane to a supermodel can be beautiful or ugly in their own way. i’m betting if your husband sees something beautiful in you, chances are he’s not lying – he really believes it. you should try a little harder to believe, it, too. everyone deserves to feel beautiful.

A friend came up with a good definition of what beauty is:
beauty = brains + personality + pretty
I think someone can be physically beautiful but lack the other qualities needed to make someone really beautiful.

‘We’re taught by the fashion and other industries to find faults within ourselves so we can buy their products to feel better and make ourselves look attractive.’ – I disagree. You can’t be taught something you don’t want to learn. I don’t care how many times Cosmo and Gucci tell you that a size 1 is normal, you shouldn’t believe it…unless you want to. Then, who’s fault is that when you’re bulemic, in therapy and near suicide because you think weighing 130lbs makes you obese? Beauty starts from within, you shouldn’t be able to be talked into thinking you’re something that you’re not…when YOU think you’re beautiful, that’s where it begins.

No. 26: Are you saying that women with eating disorders should blame themselves for not being strong enough to resist lifelong exposure to advertising that tells us we’re not beautiful if we’re not young and thin? Please tell me that’s not what you just said.

This is what I’m saying, if you don’t think you’re beautiful, don’t blame commercials, don’t blame magazines, don’t blame models and don’t blame the movies. Start by blaming your parents, who should have raised you to have confidence in yourself and love for yourself above all else. Then blame yourself for being so easily influenced by your surroundings that whatever little confidence you had in yourself, you let the opinions of people you don’t even know completely erase it.

Young and thin doesn’t mean beautiful. Rich and powerful doesn’t mean happy. Are those things we hear all the time, sure…but does it mean it’s true? Hell no. People keep telling me the Red Sox and the Giants are great teams, not only do I know better…I can’t be influenced by the OPINION of other people, especially when I’ve already formed my own. THAT’S the problem…it’s those women who are 30 years old and still on the fence of whether they’re attractive or not, if you don’t know by now, you never will.

If you are so weak that a 30 second commercial can change your entire view of yourself, you are exactly the type of person after-school specials were made for…the same type of person who’s parents talked to you about sex AFTER you’ve already had it.

That’s what I’m saying…and the best part, it’s my opinion and I’m fine with it – just like I’m fine with my chub and flub. Louis Vuitton doesn’t make pants or belts that fit me, should I kill myself? No, because Armani does! LV just lost a potential life-long customer.

I’ve written and erased a lot of different comments on this topic, which is an incredibly emotional one for me. Since I don’t feel compelled to defend my own personal body image issues I will only say that no amount of positive reinforcement, intellectualizing (as Goosey suggests,) self-confidence, or talking it out can improve your opinion of yourself if you suffer from body dysmorphic disorder. You look in the mirror and fundamentally DO NOT SEE what others do.

‘We’re taught by the fashion and other industries to find faults within ourselves so we can buy their products to feel better and make ourselves look attractive.’ – I disagree <–g-man, you're usually so right on… but maybe a better word for 'taught' in the first sentence is 'conditioned'. seriously look at magazines that teens look at, not just cosmo or vogue. every single page is an advertisment for something to improve their outer beauty – a cream, a makeup, a breast enhancer, a zit eraser, a diet pill, an air-brushed model selling you better version of life and happiness on the pages in front of you. i'm sorry, but no matter how good of a parent you are, little girls in this culture grow up with those images shouting at them from every area – "you are not good enough". for some people, this is not simple to overcome. sad but true.

I don’t know if anyone will read this or not but I can at least express what I feel here. I understand this subject too well for someone my age. I am only sixteen but I know how people with severe low self esteem feel. I have tried therepy andf countless other things to help but none of it works. I feel like I am the single most ugly person in the world…and its gotten so bad I don’t belive I’m fit for society. Those people who say they aren’t fishing for compliments are lying…we all want to be beautiful. So while I feel like my self esteem won’t ever improve, I’m not one to give up. I’ve any of u know any tips on how to improve self esteem, I would be glad to hear them.

Katy that makes me so sad to hear. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think age has a lot to do with it. I know how I felt at 16 and it’s not how I feel about myself now. Yes, there are days when I look and want to change x,y and z about myself. When I was a teen (I’m 29 now) I would just sit and focus on it. Now if I feel down, I’m able to look around…look at my son. I am beautiful because I took part in making this amazing, loving, beautiful child. And I gave birth to him. That makes me feel strong and beautiful. I took care of him for 9 months, no one else could do it..I was the sole person able to take care of him for those months…and it makes me feel proud, which makes me feel beautiful.

Just know that many of us know how you feel, you are not alone in feeling that way. As much as I like to think that I’m older and wiser and never feel negative about myself, I do sometimes. But I think it helps to focus on the positive things about yourself. And I don’t just mean looks-wise. Things you have accomplished etc. I saw a show one time where it showed how people look and automatically point out the negative. Instead take a second to look at all the good. Ok so maybe you don’t love your hair, but you have amazing eyes. Focus on that…and remember that looks fade. Who you are inside is what truly does matter because that is you for the rest of your life.