Wish You Were Here: Sex Position Astrology Shirts

It’s time for another edition of “Wish You Were Here,” and I have only one question for you: are you a total pervert who’s obsessed with astrology? Cool, me too! Now that that’s all sorted out, I’m about to introduce you to the clothing you’ll think you invented in your dreams.

I discovered this ad for Sun Sign Originals (straight outta Bayonne, New Jersey!) in the back of one of my many vintage magazines, and I’m happy to report that these pervy astrological “tea-shirts” are just the kind of sleazy garment that would fit perfectly in my closet. Each of the T-shirts in this collection features one astrological sign and a corresponding sex position.

To be honest, I’m an Aries, and I’m not really feeling my sign’s image—that weird squat move looks tough to pull off, and the effort looks like it made the woman in the couple pass out. (Not how I roll, sorry.) To that point, I’m curious how SSO decided on the position for each sign: was it an exhaustive consensus-type method, where they hit the streets surveying people on their signs and favorite positions? Or perhaps a more of an astrological approach that focused on the alignment of the planets, and the stars, and some other shit I don’t understand? In all likelihood, I think some dude—living in his mom’s basement in Bayonne, obvs— got stoned and mumbled, “What’s your sign: 69?” to some girl in a bar. Then he was like, “I’m putting that on a ‘tea-shirt’ and taking my joke all the way to the BANK!” However this genius idea originated, I’m just sorry that I’ll never be able to buy one for myself. And if any of you get the bright idea to reproduce these suckers, I’ll take a Gemini in size large for my man, please and thank you.

And if you liked this, don’t miss my write-up of a seriously weird 70s game.