Unconditional Love: Does It Exist?

I used to be a believer, I really did. Then life slapped me in the face, and said “you’re wrong”; in much harsher words. Having lived a sheltered life, my naivety led me to believe that there is such a thing as unconditional love. But it’s not true. It’s ALWAYS contingent upon something, and that something is what made us fall in love or why we fell in love with that person in the first place. If for whatever reason, that changes or becomes missing, then we may stop loving the other person the same way we once did.

There are effectively two factors that can cause this; either we change or our partner changes. Both are natural and normal. Our experiences, and refined sense of self shape our priorities and goals. What mattered to us before may no longer have as firm a hold today, so the reason we love the person before may no longer be as important to us now. For example, being with someone who is career focused may be great in your mid to late 20s (think power couple), but as you age, perhaps someone who is more family oriented becomes more important. In which case, what we want changes, and the person we once fell in love with, albeit still a great person, is just not who we want to spend the rest of our life with anymore.

The same is true for the other person; they may change just as easily as we can. I hate to use this example, but it stands to make a great one. If we love someone because we were super attracted to the person’s physical appearance, then once they get fat and old, we won’t like them as we once did. That is also why you need something more concrete, and enduring to be with someone for the long run.

That said, not everything about us changes. There are certain things like hobbies, and interests that stick with us. I think the most important things for any couple are to grow together, experience together, and learn together. Love is constantly evolving; there is no such thing as unconditional love, but love where we take the time and energy to rediscover.

Very interesting post. What about from one’s parents? Mothers unconditionally love their children because the love is triggered by the fact of being their mother – something that cannot change the same way that the things you mention such as one’s appearance can.

I wonder if marriage doesn’t serve a similar purpose in theory – you promise to love your spouse for as long as you live (although I suspect that marriage originally was about family/economic ties rather than love). Thus, the fact that triggers the love is the marriage. This relationship, like being someone’s mother, is, in theory, supposed to last forever. Of course, things don’t work that way in practice, but it’s an interesting way of thinking about it.