Candy’s Column – The Laughing Storkhttp://thelaughingstork.com
Home is where the humor isWed, 20 Apr 2016 05:45:25 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.6.1Weekly Thank-You Notes to My Kidshttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2015/07/30/weekly-thank-notes-kids/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2015/07/30/weekly-thank-notes-kids/#commentsThu, 30 Jul 2015 16:59:18 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=46994Setting aside yet another moment to let the kiddos how much I appreciate all that they do for me…

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2015/07/30/weekly-thank-notes-kids/feed/2My Weekly Thank-You Notes to My Kidshttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/09/12/thank-notes-kids/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/09/12/thank-notes-kids/#respondFri, 12 Sep 2014 17:33:49 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=46797You know, I’m always instructing my kids to say “thank you” and I realized… perhaps I should be thanking THEM more, as well. So in the spirit of showing my appreciation, I’m starting a tradition of writing weekly thank-you notes to my three-year-old son and five-year-old daughter for their recent efforts.

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/09/12/thank-notes-kids/feed/0The House Hunthttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/04/08/house-hunt/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/04/08/house-hunt/#commentsTue, 08 Apr 2014 20:31:34 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=45692Miss Skye will go to kindergarten next year (say WHA–?!), which means I have been obsessively researching schools and options in the Los Angeles area. And by “obsessively,” I mean spending pretty much every waking second on it. I no longer have time for mundane tasks such as feeding my children and acknowledging my family’s presence — LEAVE MOMMY ALONE, SHE HAS TO GOOGLE “WHAT THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAGNET AND A CHARTER SCHOOL AND WHY IS THIS ALL SO FREAKING HARD WHEN ALL I HAD TO DO AS A KID WAS WALK TO THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DOWN THE STREET?!?!?!” To which Google responds, “Lay off the Caps Lock, woman. You’re giving me a headache.”

Yeah, well, I’ll tell you what a headache is — navigating the L.A. school system. We’re not fortunate enough to be assigned to one of the better elementary schools, so I’ve been wading through private school brochures, dozens of sites explaining the district’s point system (you need a Ph.D in Mathematics to understand it, true story), inter-district applications, intra-district applications, and charter and magnet school reviews. After my endless research and hand-wringing, Mr. Candy and I arrived at a very thoughtful conclusion:

Screw it. We’re moving to a good school district.

So we’re movin’ on down…to the beach side. We’ve been in the process of looking at houses down there — a process that means very little to a two-year-old (Drew is just irritated that it takes precious time away from playing outside) and getting your hopes repeatedly raised and crushed to a four-year-old. Every time we go to an open house, it goes like this:

Every. Single. Time. It also raises the hopes of the realtors showing the houses, who can’t help but notice Skye’s excitement and coo: “Awww. I think SHE’S ready to move in right now!” I’m sure this tactic is in the Selling Houses for Dummies book — “If your potential buyers are parents, note that their weak spot is their children: POUNCE!” — but when the child declares she wants to buy every house she steps foot in, said parents become decidedly less moved by the child’s enthusiasm.

“Yeah, she acts that way at all the open houses,” I say and roll my eyes, much to the realtor’s chagrin. But it’s true. Even if we went to, say, a trash dump, I’m confident it would go like this:

(Actually, we have seen places like this that have sold for seven figures. Welcome to L.A.!) And when I explained to Skye that it was a DUMP…? A literal dump? Her answer invariably would be:

*Sigh* Poor kid.

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/04/08/house-hunt/feed/3The Right Way Versus The Wrong Way to Respond When a Person’s Cat Dieshttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/02/05/right-way-versus-wrong-way-respond-persons-cat-dies/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/02/05/right-way-versus-wrong-way-respond-persons-cat-dies/#commentsWed, 05 Feb 2014 22:37:08 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=46077Perhaps the only debate that gets folks more riled up than the PRO-LIFE VERSUS PRO-CHOICE argument is one of equal importance: CATS VERSUS DOGS! This is no surprise, considering we’re encouraged to side with one animal or the other from an early age. Many of us grew up in a house with either a dog or a cat — rarely both — thereby giving us a one-sided perspective as to which is the “best” pet. Not to mention all of the Disney movies portraying cats as evil villains ultimately foiled by the dumb-but-sweet dogs. To wit:

Clearly, a cat puked in Walt Disney’s loafers and he never got over it.

Me…? I’m just an animal lover who even tries to save spiders and crickets that infiltrate the house, much to the chagrin of Mr. Candy who prefers a less kind welcome involving the sole of his shoe. I founded a “Save the Whales” group in sixth grade, stopped wearing leather when I was 16 and started wearing leather again when I was 16-and-a-half (my concern for animals only extends so far, apparently). If I had to label myself, I suppose I am a “cat person,” given I grew up with cats and currently have three rescue Persians — and have zero desire for a dog. This doesn’t mean I don’t like dogs or that I don’t lavish them with the expected pat on the head when greeted by one. Cats just complement my personality more. They crap in a box, clean themselves, cuddle with me for a few minutes, then give me my space while they nap for hours on-end.

If only I could get my kids to do that.

Dogs, well, I understand their appeal; they are just too high-maintenance for me. However, if your beloved dog were to pass away…? Please know I would never, EVER respond with:

“Oh. I’m not a dog person, so…”

Then leave it hanging there awkwardly, as if I, being a CAT PERSON and all, couldn’t possibly relate to why you would mourn a CANINE. Good riddance, I say!

I feel inclined to note this because more than a handful of self-identifying Dog People said this to me when our cat, Marcy, died last year. As loyal followers (and bless your hearts for being so) of this here blog know, we didn’t have the best of luck during the holidays of ’10 and ’12, with our two long-time pets dying right before Christmas each year. We welcomed two children, then soon thereafter said good-bye to our beloved cats. It was a sad and emotional time, with me breaking down at the mere mention of their names. And when I shared the news of their passing with friends and teachers, a jarring number of people dismissed it with:

“Oh. I’m not a cat person, so…”

That’s IT. No “I’m sorry.” No “That sucks.” Just altogether dismissing the animal as not worthy of their sympathies.

Look, I’m not telling people to get a cat. Why would I? I don’t even tell people to have kids. (Although eating in restaurants with a cat is way easier.) I’m not even asking them to like cats. (Although, really? You don’t like ANY cats? That’s a little weird. I can only assume a cat puked in your loafers, too.) I’m just asking that, when presented with a person who is on the verge of sobbing because her cat died in her the arms the night before, that you at least manage more than “I’m not a cat person.”

Don’t worry. A display of sympathy will not brand you a — GASP! — cat lover by association. We won’t start tagging you on stupid cat memes on Facebook. Seriously, though, don’t even preface your condolences with “I’m not a cat person…” It just makes the already sensitive mourner even sadder (unless that is your intention, in which case, carry on!) and perhaps mad enough to puke in your loafer. If you’re still not sure what an appropriate response is and, more importantly, would like to avoid bodily fluids in your shoes, here is a handy-dandy guide:

THE RIGHT VERSUS WRONG WAY TO RESPOND TO A BELOVED CAT’S DEATH

RIGHT: What a shame.WRONG: What a shame the car didn’t run over it AND back up for good measure!

RIGHT: I’m sorry.WRONG: I’m sorry, but I don’t care.

RIGHT: You must be heartbroken.WRONG: You must be heartbroken this didn’t happen sooner.

RIGHT: Oh no. How did s/he pass away?WRONG: Oh no. How did it come to pass that you got a cat instead of a GOOD pet?

RIGHT: That reminds me of the time I lost a dear pet…WRONG: That reminds me of the joke about the cat in a blender…

Take that advice for what it’s worth. If “I’m not a cat person” is still all you can muster, well, so be it. In the interest of mending fences between CAT and DOG people, I extend this peace offering — an offering I wholeheartedly believe could even end the Israeli–Palestinian conflict — that I like to call: RIDICULOUSLY CUTE PICTURES OF DOGS AND CATS (cue the “Thank You for Being a Friend” background music):

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2014/01/28/kids-say-darndest-things-culinary-request-edition/feed/1Stuff My Kids Say: A Preschooler’s Deep Thoughts at the End of Christmashttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/12/27/stuff-kids-say-preschoolers-deep-thoughts-end-christmas/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/12/27/stuff-kids-say-preschoolers-deep-thoughts-end-christmas/#respondFri, 27 Dec 2013 07:55:22 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=45945Some of us take the time to reflect on our blessings at the end of Christmas day. My preschooler, on the other hand, hopes that the party is just getting started…

Just a sampling of the kind of content I’ll be posting when I launch WOMAN VS. FAMILY (a cartoon family blog that is clearly inspired by my own life) after the New Year. Follow Woman vs. Family on Facebook to join the fun!

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/12/20/cats-explain-really-want-christmas/feed/0Multi-Tasking: Gisele vs. Candyhttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/12/13/multi-tasking-gisele-vs-candy/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/12/13/multi-tasking-gisele-vs-candy/#respondFri, 13 Dec 2013 22:01:01 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=45926By now, you’ve all likely seen Gisele’s Instagram shot of her “multi-tasking” at work. Not to be outdone by the supermodel, I thought I’d post a photo of ME multi-tasking, as well. As you can see, my day-to-day life is similarly glamorous…

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/12/13/multi-tasking-gisele-vs-candy/feed/0How to Dance Like a Pro (Well, Like a Preschooler)http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/09/20/childrens-guide-dancing/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/09/20/childrens-guide-dancing/#respondFri, 20 Sep 2013 07:00:15 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=45777Dance parties are a big part of being a parent, especially when you’re the parent of younger children. I love them because when I am hosting (or am summoned to) a dance party with my kids, they generally are staying out of trouble, getting along and having fun. There is also the bonus of getting to dance like a complete loon. Which, to be honest, is the only kind of dancing I’m good at.

My two-year-old son, Drew, has two signature dance moves: 1) running back and forth over and over again with great intensity; and 2) launching himself onto the carpet, as if he’s sliding into first base. I call it the “Pete Rose.” (Where my old-school Phillies fans at?!) I also call it the “Future Concussion.” It is important to pretend that move doesn’t hurt, despite your parent’s repeated cries of “Are you okay?” as you lie on the ground deciding whether to give in and cry.

Then there is my four-year-old daughter, Miss Skye, who has declared herself the family dance instructor. And I’m inclined to agree she’s the most qualified of our bunch. In fact, I received quite the dance lesson tonight, complete with the names of her moves. If you happen to be looking to expand your personal arsenal of dance moves, here’s how to cut a rug, preschooler-style:

POTENTIAL DRAWBACK: You desperately want to laugh when your four-year-old says this to you (and demonstrates it with passion), thus undermining the whole suggested “mad effect.”

TECHNIQUE: Pretty self-explanatory. Pretend you’re smashing a marshmallow into your hand. Repeatedly. More advanced dancers can trying smashing it below their knees with a wide, sweeping arm, not unlike a chimpanzee.

TECHNIQUE: Hug yourself and give your mom a sweet smile while rocking back and forth. Tell her that the move is named after her. A move most wisely performed right before bedtime, to soften up your mother in hopes of delaying bedtime. (P.S. It works.)

These were all real dance moves I learned tonight, all aptly named by Skylar. When I told her I wanted to write them down (to share with y’all, of course), she nodded vehemently: “Yes! Good idea, Mommy! Leave the paper by the stairs so Daddy sees it and makes his dancing better.”

Oh yes, she did.

You see this, Mr. Candy? No more White Man Overbite — SMASH THE MARSHMALLOW!

]]>http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/09/20/childrens-guide-dancing/feed/0Guest Post from the Cats: Human Memeshttp://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/09/12/guest-post-cats-human-memes/
http://thelaughingstork.com/blog/2013/09/12/guest-post-cats-human-memes/#respondThu, 12 Sep 2013 07:15:35 +0000http://thelaughingstork.com/?p=45597Today’s guest bloggers are Candy’s cats, Larry and Lucy, who are considered trailblazers among the feline community in the realm of kitty-blogging. Lucy and Larry enjoy sleeping in sinks, sleeping in boxes, sleeping on floors, sleeping on forbidden tables and furniture, staring down non-existent enemies on walls, and regurgitating hairballs in their mom’s new shoes.

HUMAN MEMES

by Larry and Lucy

Humans think they are oh-so-clever with their grammatically appalling cat memes that have taken over the Internet, but little do they know that WE have turned the tables on them with our underground forum of HUMAN MEMES. Bwa-ha-haaaa! Thank you, kitties, for all of your submissions. Your humans are indeed brimming with potential for humiliation. However, we thought we would kick things off with a handful of memes that WE created, based on pictures we covertly took of our humans.

Check out Grumpy Human:

A Grumpy Human 2014 calendar will be available soon!

She really does look dumb, does she not? LOLZ!

AND STAY OUT OF OUR LITTER BOX. It’s not a sandbox, you fool.

Pretty disgusting to watch, actually. That’s why we shoved our butts in his face at 5AM — to wipe the copious amounts of saliva off.