To be loved and abused or alone forever... - Love and Romance

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welll its been a year since i last dated anyone but my ex strangled me and violently attacked me for breaking up with her but i had every right she did sleep with my neice. anyways i have been depressed and lonley at night is this because i want to be loved or i want to go back to my ex?

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Just because you haven't been with someone for a year, taking into account part of that would've been getting over what your ex did (so say less than a year), doesn't mean you'll be alone forever if you don't go back to her. That you even think that is a worry.

My last partner, which was certainly over a year ago, harassed me in every way imaginable but I would never have stayed with her just to avoid being alone. No matter how long it stands till I'm not alone anymore. Not to mention, nor would I compromise myself and be with someone who really didn't mean anything (or at least something meaningful to me) just to not be alone.

You're likely depressed and most lonely at night because most people's emotions become more strong as the day progresses and night falls. The bustle of the day is quite the distraction and in the quiet and the dark and while you're alone there's a lot of time to think about the situation you're in and for your emotions to swallow you up. And honestly, I can't tell you you will stop feeling depressed about being alone - I mean do any of us really want to be alone, not loved by someone who understands us and who we can share that time with? Of course not.

But it's the type of depression you feel. You're feeling a depression that has no hope. You need to realise there is hope, as long as you are open to allowing someone new in your life. Being found or finding someone; however it turns out. And yes, it's because you want to be loved and because you want to love someone also. It's because you miss being close to someone.

In fact often the desire to love someone and being unable to is more intense than a lack of being loved, if you're someone who wants to be in a relationship and settle down, etc, etc. But as corny as it sounds, and it really does, you have to love yourself before you will have the best relationship you can and part of that is being able to handle being alone at night, feeling emotions without needing to shut them out, stifle them or not process them. Use the time to understand yourself; what you want and what you want to offer.

If you have a bed bigger than a single, don't sleep on one side, as if you're leaving a side for someone you don't have yet if you're really struggling. Take over the middle and set out to be okay as just you for now.

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Nebelpfade

Nebelpfade

167 posts

Posted May 22, 2010

Better be alone than bad accompagned. And he should see a psy for that.

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Maria_Lowery

Maria_Lowery

8 posts

Posted May 23, 2010

there is always that silent part of us that love people regardless of what they do to you! my ex wife almost killed me! i was hospitalized for a week and when i finally left her i kept thinking about going back...i realized it was my fear of being alone or not finding anyone "better"who would accept me and work with me through the pain i still carry with me....you may be lonely and want to be loved but you arent looking for her to love you...but her love is wat you remember most recently.....that could play on your emotions but dont let it...you need time to heal and love will find its way to you in due time...just focus on healing the wounds that are still open from the breakup...because until you are able to deal with those you wont be able to move on and regardless of how lonely you are you will never be able to fill that void as long as you are holding on to her and that part of your past..i know....when i let go the woman i will spend forever with walked into my life and i have never felt such happiness! goodluck

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I don't agree there's always a silent part of us that love people regardless. Sorry, as soon as I'm abused you are out of my heart (considering the type of abuse here and the length of it). I never held on love for my last partner who harassed the living shit out of me, never any for the person who raped me. I mean you can't generalise like that I don't believe.

I think if you do however have a silent part that carries that love, then there's something in you that needs attention. Needs to be worked on so that goes away.

I would also agree with Chrystelle that there's no shame in getting psych help to not feel what you are Kodie and to have the tools to let that person go, understand why you would ever consider going back and to move forward.

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Maria_Lowery

Maria_Lowery

8 posts

Posted May 24, 2010

i am just a loving person i dont htink there is anything wrong with me! i love my mother and she brought hell to my my life from start til now....i just think that once you let someone in your heart even when you hate them there is a small part that remains

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Well I'd have to say I don't think it's healthy to hang on to love for someone who almost killed you (as you're clearly aren't hanging on to the love of that person as who they are in their entirety) and to want them back. I think there's something that's happened that's caused what I will just refer to as a faulty coping mechanism if you love in spite of anything and everything.

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Maria_Lowery

Maria_Lowery

8 posts

Posted May 25, 2010

idk where you got the implication that i want my ex back..because by no means do i want her back in my life...i ahve moved on and i am in a very good and happy relationship but at teh same time she was a major part of my life for a long time and as a person i love her...although i do know she needs help...i do not speak to her or have any type of relationship with her but i love her as a person! just like i love friends i dont speak to anymore....

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Sorry, I took it from this remark: "i was hospitalized for a week and when i finally left her i kept thinking about going back."

I think if anyone is thinking that, then mental scarring has occured, and damage that it would do no harm to be worked on. I think still loving her as a person (what , a good one?), like you do your friends is a little concerning.

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Maria_Lowery

Maria_Lowery

8 posts

Posted May 25, 2010

oh i see...well i left her when i got out of the hospital...and yea i thought of going back but she was all i knew and all i had but i didnt becuase if i had i wouldnt be here.....im not sure how its concerning...its not a love that is constant..i only think of it when im in conversation such as this...i just dont believe in just not caring for people who have been in my life! yes i moved on yes i had counseling but i still have love for her..and i dont see that as being wrong!

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Nebelpfade

Nebelpfade

167 posts

Posted May 25, 2010

I would never be violent with a woman on my part, it's just how I am. Soo I don't really get why peoples are violent with the one they love. Have something happen that communication can't resolve ? Does she really need to use violence to resolve that ? I don't think violence can resolve anything, communication is the key for almost anything. Soo if communication doesn't work, maybe then, it's time to move on of something that will.

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Deleted-User

Deleted-User

Posted May 26, 2010

Abusive relationships are definitely heartbreaking if u love the person. I was engaged andd it took me about 2 years to break away. And because u love them it's so easy to get sucked back in. My ex would started crying and I'd give in again and again.

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"yes i moved on yes i had counseling but i still have love for her..and i dont see that as being wrong!"

I guess no-one can say what is wrong or right, I've just said I find it concerning. To me, someone who has done such things to you doesn't deserve a reserved place in your heart, no matter how rarely you go to that place and how small it may be. Honestly, what you said she did, to me, I can't say sounds worse than rape and would you find it strange for me to keep a place in my heart for the person that raped me? That's an honest curious question by the way, I'm curious how you'd project that in regards to someone else.

I guess for me, the only time a place in my heart is reserved in spite of a lot of wrong-doing is pretty much family. That's essentially because it's beyond a choice of mine that myself and that person are connected and always have been and I guess always will be in one sense or another.

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Maria_Lowery

Maria_Lowery

8 posts

Posted May 26, 2010

@ kaitlyn yes it is very easy to get pulled back in and i went back my fair share of times but when i truely had enough i stayed away! and have no plans to go back! but even still i care for her! im not a total bitch that just says fuck anyone who leaves my life

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I don't think someone who thinks "fuck off/be gone" to someone they get out of their life for very good reason is a total bitch because of it. I would support Kodie thinking that way after what happened to her and certainly wouldn't think it would make her a bitch or anything negative actually.

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Deleted-User

Deleted-User

Posted May 26, 2010

@ Maria I am happy that it sounds like you are saying with conviction that you are going back. Abusers do not realize they hurt the ones they love even though they might say it, if u get what I mean. And I don't think you are a total bitch, if I did I'd think I was also a total bitch for leaving T. Just stay strong.

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Deleted-User

Deleted-User

Posted May 26, 2010

...whoops I meant are *NOT* going back!

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Deleted-User

Deleted-User

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I know people (or at least one VERY well) who knows he hurts the ones he loves, by doing the things he does; but doesn't have the tools yet to know how to get up and walk away for good from his abusive ways. It bits and spouts, and he'll see the light, but not yet for good.

I think sometimes the person who goes back (or even entertains it for some time), enables that person into that behaviour for longer and longer. The sooner the abuser is cut off, the better hope there is they may stop. i.e. in most cases.

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woman are all just head fucks seriously... untill i can find and meet that 1 girl that will treat me how i treat her will all love and respect then maybe ill change my mind with the head fuck bit... mind the swearing im sorry

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I guess I'm fortunate. I know at least one ex who is a gorgeous person, certainly not a "head fuck" who I think is fantastic and still love and think very highly of, even though we can't be together.

And well, there's a lot of women I think that way about.

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Remrie_Arrie

Remrie_Arrie

52 posts

Posted May 28, 2010

Girl... I've been single for 10 years (since age 13) without any sexual encounters with anyone. You can get by just fine. When you're an addict to drugs, alcohol, smoking, porn, etc at some point you have to admit you are despite them being bad for you, same with other people you can get addicted to them.

I'm not saying go 10 years. I waited until recently, pretty much this year to get back into those relationships because I don't need that drama in my life. As you get older you need to get more serious about your relationships and what you expect of the other person. If it's not going to work then it's not going to work, don't force it or you're in for a world of hurt... or in the extreme case, death.

Falling for someone and falling because of them are two completely different things.