You remember that our cat wasn’t well in the spring. She bounced back and we thought everything was OK. We thought/hoped that she had gotten over the hump and that she would live with us for another couple of years.

A month ago, she didn’t come home from her day outside. Over the last couple of years, she always stayed very close to the house. And even closer since she didn’t feel that well.

She always heard when I started to cook supper.

Immediately, I would have company in the kitchen.

She would wait for us to sit down for our meal. I don’t know when it started but over the last couple of years, she would get a few drops of cream on a small old plate on the floor. And we all ate together. (smile)

Later, she would spend the evening on one of our laps.

This isn’t happening anymore, because a month ago she didn’t return home.

We searched everywhere. We talked to neighboors, called all the shelters and vets, put up posters, and listed her missing on the local FB group.

We are coming to terms with the fact that she will not return. That she might have followed nature's call and went into hiding to die.

Every evening our heart breaks a bit more because she isn’t around anymore to share a meal with us.

Love is a huge gift and she has touched us deeply over the last ten years.

We are grieving the loss of our little companion. The loss of our fun times together, our rituals, our connection, and her trust that she gifted us with.

Our love for her will always be a part of us.

I am humbled again by my own grief that has enveloped me. I know it will get easier but we will always miss her and love her.

Take good care,Jacqueline​

PS: I will take a few weeks off to recharge, traveling around Nova Scotia with friends, and spend some time in my art studio. (smile)

Yesterday, I read this touching article by Sarah Kravits here. She explains how her car became her griefmobile.

I like that expression. It conveys not only a place to grief but also the movement that our grief and feelings go through.

In short; Sarah Kravits explains how her car became the place where she feels safe to express her grief for her brother that was killed by a drunken driver.

A song on the radio, or a similar car like her brother drove, can trigger her grief.

I’m still not sure why I don’t grieve much around other people; I don’t seem to have much control over that choice, so I accept it. I am grateful for the on-demand safe space my Griefmobile offers. I keep a box of tissues between the front seats. - Sarah Kravits

Can you relate to her story?

I can.

I have encountered times when being on the road listening to music a song comes on that transports me back in time. I am in the car with my healthy mother before dementia took her away piece by piece and before she died.

Where are you in your grieving process?Are you able to be patient with yourself?

When grieving the loss of a loved one we often don’t see over the mountain of pain and sorrow.

We want the pain to stop.

Sometimes we convince ourselves that it is better to ignore our pain. We might distract ourselves with work, Netflix, or hours on social media.

If you have to look out for children you might think that it is better to be strong for them.

Unfortunately the reality is that being strong for others will prolong your grief. Hiding it from your children will teach them that grieving about a loved one is wrong. They might start to hide their feelings as well. You don’t want that.

"Grieving is an inherently human and healthy process. However, when we ignore the reality of the grieving experience, we prolong our pain and cause damage to ourselves. "

Special days in your calendar can trigger your pain of loss and grief.

If you and your loved one celebrated Valentine’s Day then you know what I am talking about. It isn’t easy to see all the decorations in the stores and the flyers advertising wonderful nights out.

It is difficult to ignore the beautiful red hearts everywhere.

What do you do when the feelings of deep sadness overwhelm you?

To whom do you turn for comfort and support?

Who do you ask for help to get through another special day of fond memories and stories?

Who will help you cherish the memories of your loved one?

Yes, it is always a good idea to ask for help from your friends and family. You don’t have to pretend that everything is OK. Reach out to others to get the hug you need or a listening ear to share your stories and memories.

If you feel you don’t want to reach out to others that is OK. Take a pen and paper. Share your feelings by writing them down so that what is going on inside your broken heart becomes visible.

You can ask yourself how your loved one would want to be remembered on that day.

Is there a dish that she or he liked very much?

Did he or she have a favourite flower?

Cook the dish or order it in, buy the flowers and decorate your dining table with them. Celebrate the love you still feel. I am sure you have even better ideas.

Healing the grieving heart starts when you become pro-active. Your soul wants to express itself. Feelings and love want to be seen. Give them a voice.

What is it that you can do on Valentine’s Day that will support your healing process?

Take good care,Jacqueline

PS: Do you want to dive into rituals as healing tools? Healing Rituals online course is here.

A few days ago we had this brilliant sunny day after a snowfall. The air was crisp. The sunshine flooded everything. Little stars seemed to radiate their warmth from frozen leaves on bushes.

The whole atmosphere reminded me of skiing in the Swiss Alps with my college boyfriend. He was funny, smart, handsome, and the best teacher to improve skills in skiing. (smile)

One winter, we were in the mountains with his friends. He wanted to show off and claimed that his girlfriend had learned so much from him that she could take on the steepest hill on the mountain. Would I have not been in love with him and wanted him to be proud, I would have never agreed to get down that hill. (smile)

He always told me to put my whole weight on my skies so that I had the best control over them. That day I did just that and made it down the hill in one piece. To this day I tell myself sometimes: “Push your whole weight down on the ground for best control.”

Over time, our relationship changed and we split up but stayed good friends. He got killed in a motorcycle accident just before his 25th birthday. Loosing my friend was devastating at that time and my grief was deep and unexpected painful.

On this sunny snow day, I remembered him, his jokes, and his advice.

I will plant my feet firmly on the ground for the weeks to come.

My love for him, our friendship will always have a special place in my heart.

What does trigger your memories? Who is on your mind today?

Sharing our stories is a part of the healing process.

Memories assure us that our heart will always keep a loving space for our loved ones that have died too early.

Take good care,Jacqueline

January 14, 2018

I hope your new year has greeted you well. A new year always brings reflection about where we have been and where we want to go.

What is your biggest wish today?

After the loss of a loved one. Your world can feel upside down. You are living a new reality that has been thrown at you and sometimes you wish that....

What is that one wish you have right now? Unfortunately you cannot bring back your old life with your loved one. So what is it?

Don’t dismiss it. (smile) Just think about if for a moment.Feel into your heart and listen.Perhaps it is a good idea to close your eyes to hear your inner wish better.

Now, write that wish on a piece of paper or in your journal if you have one.

Is it a wish that you feel is achievable or is it a wish that is so out there that it will take years to fulfill it?

Either way. Take that wish seriously.

Write it down.

Tomorrow look at that wish again and see if your wish has changed over night.

Does it need adjustment? If so write that change next to your wish.

Try to look at your wish every day for the next one to three weeks.If you would like you can also visualize how your life will look like when your wish becomes reality.

Maybe your wish changes to something new over time. Or it stays the same.

By starting to acknowledge your wishes and your hopes your brain will start to function in a new way. It will start to think towards the fulfillment of that wish and start to plot and create possibilities to make it happen.

When we are grieving it is difficult for us to think of anything else than the pain and sorrow we feel. Sometimes it is good to give our brain something else to think about.

Yes, such a "distraction" can lead to new insights of your life and reality.

It is possible that your thoughts will go in the opposite direction and will tell you that you will never be able to achieve that wish. If that happens, send me an email. I am here to help you. I answer every email personally.

You might find the above recommendation a bit too simple. I understand, but still….(smile)

Just try it out for one week. Give it just seven days of attention and see if you feel a change in your attitude and well-being after that week.

If you like to share your experience; I am here for you.

Take good care,Jacqueline

PSS: Give me a call. I am here for you. ☎️ This is a free offer and no sales pitch.

August 5th is the anniversary of my mother’s death. Every year I drive out to the coast of Peggy’s Cove. A place she enjoyed very much when she visited. Near by is a memorial that offers a beautiful look over the ocean. It has a serene feel to it and is dedicated to a Swissair flight and its passengers that lost their lives near by in the Atlantic, 19 years ago.

Just off the memorial is a path that leads towards the ocean. I always take it to get away from the hustle and bustle at the memorial during the tourist season. The smooth rounded rocks invite to sit and journal. (smile)

While sitting above the ocean I have a conversation with my mother which I write down as a letter. It helps me to reflect and share with her like we used to do. It always brings a feeling of calmness and strength.

So yesterday, sitting just a few meters beside the path leading down to the ocean I realized that more and more people took the path down to get closer to the Ocean.

Black rocks just off the surf show that the waves swap over on a regular basis. Locals know better than to get on these rocks because there can be rogue waves. These waves form underneath the surface and have surprised people standing on the rocks. They are forceful and have taken lives in the past.

While I was sitting there I heard my mother’s voice inside. “Tell them!”

I knew immediately what she meant. For the rest of the time I was there I stopped people on their way down with the words: “Excuse me, are you local?” If yes, I said: “Then you know about the black rocks and the rogue waves?” If not, I explained the danger on the black rocks.

It was interesting to see the reactions. Some were dismissive, some were grateful, and some got into a nice conversation.

The interactions were a great addition to my time there.

In the evening I contemplated on the day. I remembered how my mother drove me nuts sometimes. Stopping strangers in a Mall or on the street, starting a conversation about this or that. (smile) For my, at the time, child ears insignificant conversations but important to her.

Do you communicate with your loved one too?What are your experiences?I would love to hear your stories.

Take good care,Jacqueline

PS: Give me a call. I am here for you. ☎️ This free offer is open to former Healing for Grieving Hearts clients too.

The last weekend turned into devastation for many people that visited London and had a good time out and about.

My heart goes out to all the families, friends, and colleagues that have lost someone or are caring for a loved one still in hospital.

You might have heard the story of the young woman from Canada that was hit by the van and then died in her fiancé's arms.

Her family found a way to honour her that I felt inspiring. Chrissy had worked for years in a homeless shelter and cared deeply for others. Her family asked the public and friends to honour her by doing something good for others. Like donating time, bringing clothing or food to a homeless shelter and telling the staff that “Chrissy sent me”.

Immediately that sparked an outpouring of support to food banks and homeless shelters all over.

We as people connect to stories of loss and pain. We want to be there for each other. We appreciate when we are given a task or a gesture to honour the person that has died.

Why do I write about this?

In the midst of our grief we sometimes cannot see that others grief too. It is helpful to tell others what they can do to honour the person that has died.

I assure you it does not only help them but also you.

When my mother died I told everyone to bake (or buy) a cake for someone else that could use a little pick-me-up. My mother loved to bake cakes for others.

The emais and images I got from friends and family that took me up on this request were amazing. It made me cry but at the same time I had the feeling that my mother was really seen and honoured.

Perhaps there is something you would like to do today, that would honour your loved one? Go do it, even if it feels a bit silly.

PS: If you like to talk to someone outside your inner circle about the grief you experience click on the phone and make an appointment for a free call. ☎️ This free offer is open to former Healing for Grieving Hearts clients too.

This summer (and it is still continuing) was beautifully warm, sunny, and humid. We had many guests that stayed with us to enjoy Nova Scotia.This is the reason why I wasn’t updating my blog. I hope you understand. (smile)

A good friend of mine from Switzerland visited in August and I experienced my surroundings through her eyes. The awe that she had for natures beauty just resonated lovingly with my soul. I am so lucky to live here.

The first week of August also marks the anniversary of my mother’s death. It was special to have my friend with me going through my annual ritual of visiting a site at the Ocean that my mother had loved so much when she visited.

My plan was to reconnect with my mother by embracing the stillness and the view over the Ocean like I did in the last two years.

It was an absolute different experience this time.

My friend is very intuitive and can hold space for others wonderfully. That day however, she was very bubbly (smile) and I wasn’t able to feel the calm that I had felt in other years.

Soon I gave up on my expectations. We both talked about our memories of my mother and had some great laughs. It was a great day but in the end I was still missing that calm connected feeling from years past. A part of my ritual with my mother is that I tell her in letter form what has happened over the last couple of months. It always gives me new insights and clarity. I was missing that.

What it taught me again was, that we have to be careful how we plan our rituals.

I know now that I need this time to myself and will plan better next year. (smile)

Do you have any rituals to reconnect with your loved ones that have died?If so, do you prefer to be alone or with a friend?Please let me know. I always like to hear what works for others.

Author

Jacqueline Steudler is an Art Therapy Expert and Grief Recovery Specialist®.​Her program Healing For Grieving Hearts enables women to move from overwhelming grief to a new sense of purpose. The program includes mindful action steps and therapeutic art interventions. Jacqueline facilitates the program in person or by Skype. http://www.healingforgrievinghearts.com