I was walking down the High StreetWhen I heard footsteps behind meAnd there was a little old man (Hello)In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)Well he trotted back to my houseAnd he sat beside the telly (Oaah..)With his tiny hands on his tummyChuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)

Oh, I ought to report you to the Gnome office(Gnome Office)Yes(Hahahahaha)

Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)Then I put him on a train to EastbourneCarried his bag and gave him a fag(Haven't you got a light boy?)"Here, where do you come from?"(Gnome-man's land, hahihihi)"Oh, really?"

In the morning when I woke upHe was sitting on the edge of my bedWith his brother whose name was FredHe'd bought him along to sing me a song

(Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)"Haven't you got a gnome to go to?"(No, we're gnomads)"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? you look like a rolling gnome."(No, not at the London School of Ecognomics)

Now they're staying up the chimneyAnd we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)Cause they're earning me lots of moneyWriting comedy prose for radio showsIt's the-er (what?)It's the Gnome service of course

Oh dear clearly you have violated The International Gnome Act of 1937 that clearly states that you must be at least 60 years of age or a pensioner to possess gnomes of any variety, shape or size.

It goes on to say that 39 days before you turn 60 you can apply for a special gnome permit (be aware that each type of gnome may require a different permit and such must be obtained before purchase). Please call 1-800-gnome for more info.

How topical. Last week, a scary looking gnome appeared on the neighbour's barbecue. I'm sure it watches me through narrowed eyes as I leave the house for work in the morning.

I keep meaning to push it off onto the patio, so it smashes into a thousand pieces, but I think it has a devilment upon it: I'll wake up in the morning with it standing at the foot of my bed, a hideous grin on it's hateful face.