dying breath
lasting still
with one more gasp
i’ll hold until
she’s returned
then we’ll see
if living life
is really free
no One knows
when we die
within the house
of mirrored lies
where truth falls
left behind
lost in the depths
of no One’s mind
razor’s edge
jagged piece
truth cuts like ice
it just won’t cease
blood pours out
evidence
that she’s alive
but never since
we recall
memories
burned no One’s mind
lost in the breeze
parts scatter
everywhere
when truth arises
then no One dares
no One does
what i can
to hide away
in open land
my last breath
holding fast
with hope that soon
we will outlast
her escape
from today
the cost of life
that we must pay
dying breath
lasting still
with one more gasp
i’ve held until
she returned
now we see
that living life
is never free

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-11-02 11:11:24Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667Mandie I like the way you capitalized the word "ONE" in this poem. Naturally it's a very sad, emotion felt piece of what has been lost and you have managed to get the message out to the reader in concise structure with rhyme and imagery to enhance your write.
I believe with my whole heart that nothing in life is "Free", except perhaps love and there are always conditions placed on love so how can love really be free. We are put on earth to live our lives the best way we know how, some are more fortunate some are less yet all in all we can find a blessing in each day if we look past the shadows and find it.
Great poem,
blessings,
Deni

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-10-30 20:56:54Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000Dear Mandie
This is a lament, indeed, and a powerful one ... though I found "razor's edge" and "mirrored lies" a bit clunky.
Very moving.
Best wishes,
MarkThis Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-10-21 16:46:38Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000Mandie, finding the intuitive reason within life and death is at best difficult, at worst filled with lack of choice.
You capture well the issues and feelings that will course through the heart and soul- while see, finding the passing of one known. The ending or "living life" has its cost consolidated into the period of performance, if you will.
Your style in this verse cannot be evaluated. Either a reader finds value or doesn't. I choose to dwell on the message and find my own resonance in the lyric you write.
A worthwhile moment for reading; to evaluate the assumptions and presumptions of living and death.
I enjoyed the read, thank you for sharing.This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-10-16 19:49:13Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000This is such a sad and poignant poem that makes the reader's heart ache for what should be readily available for all to see but for whatever reason--has to remain hidden. As is with all things, the truth will eventually be seen, at what cost will it be given and yet at what sacrafice has it been hidden... A very deep and stunning write that gives the reader many avenues to ponder. Your many layers hold so many meanings within their lines that I feel I have not done your poem justice. Excellent. LoraThis Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-10-10 15:47:49Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000Hi Mandie,
I have read this piece many times and can't quite figure out why you have put caps on the word 'One'...it signifies that the word means God. Having said that, I find this to be an outstanding poem with good rhyming and flow. I think you may be speaking about a loved one that died or it just might be your fertile imagaination. Either way it is well written and thought provoking. Well done.
Best wishes
cheyennePoetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link