Thursday, February 11, 2010

Brokeback Beach

Dear Chuck,

My boyfriend spends more time at the gym with his mates than at home with me. He has a really close friend who he goes on surf weekends with. Is this Brokeback Beach

Thanks

Nola

Dear Nola,

Anytime you toss out ‘sexuality’ and ‘beach’ Chuck immediately gags at the thought of a crumbed sausage – you know, beach sand stuck all over your knob. Never a situation you want to be in and definitely not a passion igniter. No woman or bloke wants their v-jay or dung hole sandblasted by a sandpaper dick.

Anyway, what you’re saying is that either your boyfriend is gay or he isn’t interested in you or both.

Chuck needs to tackle these issues in a systematic fashion:

People love the movie Point Break. What many fail to realise is that it is actually a homo-erotic film highlighting the love between two men who can never be together (it’s a surf Romeo and Juliet with a gay twist). Think about it – you have two characters, Johnny Utah (gay porn name) and Bhodi (less gay, more stoner) who admire, respect, like and secretly love each other. Johnny is turned on by Bhodi’s reckless and carefree life style while Bhodi desires Johnny’s fearlessness and determination. How many times in that movie do they end up on top of each other? Johnny needlessly tackles Bhodi into the surf, getting him all wet in the process while Bhodi tells his other male paramours to back off (all obviously trying to prevent Johnny from laying his hands on their man) as he enjoyed the physical contact. Then later in the film, Johnny bare backs Bhodi after leaping out of a plane (sans parachute – metaphor for unprotected sex) and rides him as they free fall. The movie finally ends with a bondage experience between the two as Johnny handcuffs Bhodi. Johnny realises that if you truly love something, you have to set it free and releases Bhodi into the surf and his ultimate death.

Ok, so that’s some pretty fucking deep thinking and you’re likely sitting there with your jaw agape, simply marvelling at Chuck’s brainpower. Take a minute or two to appreciate it.

Ok, we’re back online.

If your boyfriend has a Johnny / Bhodi relationship with his friend, you probably need to acknowledge that it’s a beautiful thing and leave him to it. You can never compete with late night football matches on the beach, robbing banks and boning while free falling out of an aircraft. Cut your losses and move on.

Suggesting that your boyfriend is gay is a ballsy call and you should be careful at how you toss that accusation out. Chuck can only imagine how he’ll react should he get wind that you’re thinking or saying this to anyone (especially if he isn’t gay). What you really need to do is investigate a little deeper until you have irrefutable evidence and then accuse him. A baseless claim will likely infuriate him and lead to you either being dumped or him being emasculated. Key things to look for in trying to figure out if you’re boyfriend is having an affair with his mate:

-Suggestive text messages to each other (especially if one states “don’t forget the lube”)

-He packs a g string and gets his anus waxed before he leaves for his ‘surf trip’

-They only book one room at the local motel (and its called the honeymoon suite)

Unless you see these things Chuck would encourage you to say nothing or you’ll get dumped.

The next point is one that Chuck finds interesting. You say that your boyfriend spends lots of time at the gym rather than with you and goes away on surf weekends with his friend. This generates an interesting question:

If your boyfriend was a friendless fat slob who sat around the house all day, every day and showed no interest in his physical wellbeing, would you even be interested enough in him to date him? You seem to be criticising him for being socially and physically well adjusted with his only crime being that he doesn’t shower you with attention. When questioned about dating, Chuck encourages women to decrease supply in order to increase demand. This also works in the opposite direction. This bloke being active and having mates is driving you mad because you feel as if you are missing out.

Now if he’s neglecting you and putting no effort in that’s a different story. You need to take stock of the situation and determine if he is only paying your relationship lip service or whether your may be a tad over-sensitive. Perhaps you’re not as active or don’t socialise with friends in the same way and are casting your experiences and expectations onto him which is unfair because we’re all different. Chuck suggests that you take some time and conduct a serious session on introspection to determine where you sit.

While you’re staring in the mirror trying to determine if the issue lies with you, you may want to consider the fact that you may be annoying and perhaps he doesn’t enjoy being around you at all. A hard but fair statement that may have you reeling Chuck acknowledges, but it has to be stated. At the end of the day, your email does read like there is a lot of bitterness dripping off it. You don’t like that he spends time at the gym instead of with you and you question his sexuality because he goes away surfing with his mate. You sound all bent out of shape and ornery in your message so Chuck can only imagine what you’d be like to associate with on a daily basis. Woof!

Realising that you aren’t very likeable is a confronting moment and one that Chuck cannot relate to at all. Nevertheless, Chuck would encourage you to either try to lift your game and win his affections back or resign yourself to being given the short shrift in the attention stakes or a series of short term relationships for the rest of your life.

If you fall into the ‘annoying’ category the upside is that you are probably really good looking or fuck like a dynamo. That’s the only reason you’re boyfriend has stuck with you…..or he feels sorry for you.

If you can honestly say that you aren’t an annoying mole, you should follow the adage of Chuck’s old pal William Penn – “The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.” You need to stop worrying about where he is and when he’s doing it and appreciate it when you have him. You’re eating yourself up over what you perceive to be slights when in fact he has a healthy lifestyle.

Look, none of this is probably sitting too well with you at the moment so Chuck’ll give you one last tip that may help ease your mind – when he gets out of the shower tonight, zero in on his shaft or date hole and check for signs of sand blasting, if it looks like either has been intimate with a cheese grater – you’re fucked!

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About Me

Date gone wrong? Can’t decipher what a guy/girl is trying to say? Not sure where you're going wrong and need an honest opinion? Or are just in need of a laugh at the expense of other's stupidity?
This could be the place for you...Reality Bytes
Born out of repeated tales of confused women actually beginning to lower their standards in order to accept the bizarre mating rituals of their male suitors, Reality Bytes seeks to provide insight, merriment and to break down some truly confounding behaviour.
The two purveyors of truth are:
Madame Boodwah - a woman of the world who has beaten a worn path in her travels around the block.
and
Chuck Long - a successfully married gent with a PhD in translating man speak.