I had read quite a few negative reviews for Tron Legacy before seeing it myself. They ranged from critics with a superiority complex nitpicking plot details to people who barely attempted to hide their disdain for every element of the film. So despite Daft Punk’s boner-inducing soundtrack, I was understandably cautious when entering the theater. Well, having now seen it several times, I think the verdict is clear: Olivia Wilde will be my bride and critics are whiny crybabies. But more coherently, the film is a fantastic sci fi adventure that maintains an interesting plot while still incorporating that famous Disney polish/censorship.

The plot is mainly the journey of Sam Flynn, son of the first film’s protagonist . Sam was abandoned by his tech genius father when Kevin Flynn disappeared off the face off the earth. Now a cynical adult, Sam is drawn back to his father’s arcade by a mysterious pager message and finds himself in a new virtual world. Now I won’t go through the whole plot but I do have to say that between all the insane environments (Legitimately gorgeous given all the negative space) and chase scenes are some very interesting points to ponder. The idea of gods and their role in our lives is explored, how an all powerful figure can polarize individuals into those who venerate and those who rebel. There is also some legitimate light shed on the motivation for dictatorship, a desire for perfection that can be fanatical even when it is logically unobtainable. Aside from these points, the plot falls very close to Star Wars: A New Hope. There is a specially empowered individual who survived genocide, a desire by the antagonist to obtain a piece of technology and the same archetypal characterization (wise sage, brash apprentice, a figure “twisted” by corruption.) The acting is fantastic, with Wilde standing out as a really good actress who clearly isn’t content skiing by on looks. Hedlund makes a believable orphan out of Sam Flynn, and his comparisons to Sam Worthington are completely uncalled for (Aside from a few bad bits of dialogue, not technically his fault.) Micheal Sheen brings a special mischievous panic to his scenes, and is worth the price of admission alone. And of course Bridges brings his brand of comfort food charisma.

But I did realize something upon leaving the theater. Films that are now cult sci fi classics, films like Blade Runner and Akira would be torn to pieces now at days. Our society is mainly composed of two film viewers. Those who never think about what they are watching and get bored during long bouts of dialogue, and those who think everything no matter how meticulously made is incoherent garbage. And that they, if imparted with the same budget, would make something that wasn’t “plebian baby bullshit.” The former group needs to read more, and the latter needs to get their collectible Farscape maquette out of their proverbial asshole. Sit back and enjoy Tron Legacy, it’s a sci fi adventure with heart that requires a person willing to be part good listener, part thrill ride attendee. End of Line.

The sources of the Pasquinade Press have recently brought the following to our attention: it seems that the United States Congress has used taxpayer money to embark on a field trip to the as-yet-unopened Harry Potter Wizarding World.

The trip is on public record, buried under pages and pages of bookkeeping. However, the tireless insiders at Pasquinade Press forged bravely ahead to reveal to the American public where their hard-earned dollars are really going: to a meticulously crafted theme park in Universal Studios, Florida.

The records indicate that 535 special preview tickets to the theme park were purchased, along with the materials for that many bag lunches. Some of the representatives insisted on free-range turkey cold cuts as opposed to the standard-issue Boar’s Head. Once at the park, the visitors were allotted funds for one butterbeer, a Hogwarts souvenir robe, and a ride of their choice.

When we inquired about the trip, several Senators shrugged off the suggestion that perhaps spending public funding on such things was unethical.

“It was really fun! So much detail. And I mean, who doesn’t want a souvenir Hogwarts robe? Go Gryffindor!” said Mark Pryor, an Arkansas senator. John Kerry took a slightly different approach:

“Well… they seem okay with us using their money to think of new and creative ways to kill people…” he says thoughtfully with a finger on his chin. “But in reality, spending it on something that’s an extension of such an ardent advocate of Satanism and witchcraft probably wasn’t the best idea. I’m sorry. I’ll just take my purple hearts and my butterbeer and go.”

Nerds are not to be trifled with. It’s a known fact that while primarily docile creatures, provoking them is like messing around with a goose. One goose may seem an easy target. But inevitably other geese arrive, and then pummel you with their 20-sided dice. In any case, someone has disturbed the balance of nerd calm. A force far more irritating than guidos and far less prone to threats of genocide than furries: Hipsters.

The explosion in the trend for retro clothing has reached an all-time high recently. But the truly die hard hipsters are unhappy with Marvel shirts sold in target. Instead they flock to high end clothing stores to buy superhero tees designed with the utmost dedication to retro design. These shirts are bought by said hipsters with little thought to whether they know the actual fictional heroes portrayed on said clothing. And the nerds are revolting.

“I don’t want the flannel cocksuckery of hipster culture allowing some heathen to announce he likes Green Lantern. He probably doesn’t even know who Sinestro is.” said one thickly bespectacled young man. We asked for his name but he then became distracted by the game of Chrono Trigger he was playing. Seriously, we tried really hard to get his name. But hipsters think very differently of this purchasing trend. One girl-jeans-wearing gentleman in a vomit colored hoodie explained that, “I saw the guy from Fear Before wearing a shirt with Batman on it. It goes great with my vintage loafers. It isn’t a crime.”

Not a crime indeed…but if it was I’d make it punished by canine facilitated castration.

Seaside, New Jersey is best known for deformed dwarf beast Snookie and heart clogging Zeppoli. But two days ago it was the site of a far more terrifying event: Hipster Metamorphosis. A little known phenomenon, it has been scientifically quantified as the transformation of one stereotype into another. Rutgers Researcher Simon Patel who discussed Bro behaviors had this to say: “It is usually during the introduction of a completely radical stimuli never encountered by the individual of one clique that a chemical change in the brain occurs. This results in a mentality entirely driven by the newly encountered stimuli and many times an embrace of the characteristics of those who readily encounter said stimuli.”

The event occurred at club Blue Lagoon, on one of the heaviest party nights. Some shmuck named Mario explained that. “Yeah we was packed in their like anchovies. Girls grabbing at my thick monster. We were waiting to beat up the beat to DJ Wayne’s beats, but then things went wrong.” Wrong indeed. Apparently someone had replaced DJ Wayne’s playlist with the Animal Collective’s debut cd. The result was carnage. The middle of the dance floor apparently opened up as people stopped dancing and began standing awkwardly in the center with their arms crossed. Some attempted to remove their Affliction t-shirts, whining loudly about the lack of an American Apparel nearby. Onlookers even reported that certain men sprouted ironic moustaches, while affected girls ran out of the club, searching for the nearest tattoo parlor for their swallow shoulder piece. While many guidos escaped unharmed, the long term effects of the music is unknown. The Seaside area is still being combed for wild hipsters, in the hopes it will return to a primarily spray-tan imbecile population in short order.

“I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army pants and flip-flops,” said an idolater of the “Plastics” clique in the film Mean Girls. This is simple teenage insecurity translating into the envy of another insecure teen who is simply better at hiding it than others.

Unfortunately, since her glory days in the Plastics clique, Cady Heron’s life has taken a turn for the substantially worse, derailed by several run-ins with the law, drugs, and alcohol. Those who worship her, however, have remained steadfast in their devotion.

“Cady Heron got a DUI and a SCRAM device, so I got a DUI and a SCRAM device,” one former classmate said.

“She always looks fierce. Even when she began to look a little bit like Donatella Versace,” another admirer commented. School administrators are baffled by her continuous popularity. Mr. Duvall, principal of the high school, shakes his head sadly.

“Cady’s recent exploits have been upsetting at best. I heard she was last seen partying at a club in Miami. It’s a sign of hard times. She won’t even give up partying to attend her Mathletes competition.”

Regina George, deposed queen of the Plastics, neglected to comment. With some coercion, one of our sources, a self-proclaimed “daughter of the inventor of toaster strudel,” informed us that Regina was delighted with Cady’s personal problems. “She can’t get enough of it. She’s just happy to have Aaron back, and that’s not really her fault. It’s Cady’s. For drinking so much she almost killed him in a car accident.”

We here at Pasquinade Press would like to wish Cady Heron a speedy recovery back to sobriety and sincerely wish she was still hot. Over and out.

After weeks of engineers, experts, and scientists working tirelessly to combat thousands of gallons of crude oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico daily, BP’s chief executive could barely contain his excitement surrounding a solution that was definite and reliable:

“Ty and Tyco executives have teamed up to provide the perfect solution to the hole in the Gulf floor. We have decided to stop up the hole with the vast amount of nineties trend toys these companies produced with the erroneous hope that their once-valuable products would remain in demand forever.”

The response to this suggestion was lukewarm, citing the wastefulness behind stuffing thousands of dollars worth of toys into a hole. More optimistic people have wasted no time in pointing out that wasting billions of dollars of crude oil is a far more egregious offense.

“There are thousands of these toys sitting around being ignored in Hallmark and Toys R’ Us stores across the country,” BP’s chief executive said. “Their stuffing and fur make them absorbent, and their sheer quantity will prove useful.”

Some collectors are outraged, speculating on the value of Beanie Babies once their former popularity hits the twenty-year mark. “Can you imagine the prices people will pay for these in 2017?!” said one enthusiast, beaniegurl85, on an online forum.

The solution will be implemented, if necessary, after attempts are made to use the “top kill” method currently being tested. Executives of all three companies have, so far, refused to comment on the statistical probability of avid collectors diving down to the hole during the night and excavating the vast wealth of toys plugging it up.