I got so many problems (I got so many problems)
And they weigh on my mind (And they weigh on my mind, now)
I don't solve 'em, no, I just cause them (I don't solve 'em I just cause 'em)
And they weigh on my mind (And they weigh on my mind now)

Tell me, where do you go when your money's all gone?
When your friends are all gone? When your love is all gone?
No right turns, always seem to be wrong
All goes bad, it's so hard to be strong
It's an uphill battle I don't think I can win
I try to do right but I'm surrounded by sin
Say, he's a better man, don't compare me to him
I've climbed the highest tree, now I'm stuck on a limb

I look for guiding light, but the bulbs they all burned out
Got up to the door and the lights they all turned out
Said they couldn't teach me so I guess I'm all learned out
Saw my soul die, didn't fly, it just squirmed out
In the blink of an eye I turned my home to a house
I know what to say but no words will come out
My time's almost up, I don't have any doubts
I said my time is almost up and I don't have any doubts

I'm gonna hold on as long as I can here
And my American dream, I have some doubts there
And I don't wanna fight here.

And if it's healthier to leave you be, may a sickness come and set me free, kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me

Knock, knock, knock, who's that? It's Momma, son
Lookin' for the bitch who took the money and run
Now the daylight's gone and there's no more fun
And who's the fuckin' bitch who stole all the heroin?
Heroin, heroin, it's all gone
Smoked it all up, and now you got none
And now you look around and that's not the plan
This is not what you had in mind

I shot in heaven, now I cry
No one lives forever, in fact we all die
From those who bust shots to those who stuff cops
To those who serve rocks on all the hard blocks

Every last soul must pay the last toll
In the dice game of life, who gets the last roll?
Is it the one with the suit? The one with the sack?
The one who hides behind his fuckin' gun and his badge?
Negative outlook? Well that's how I'm livin'
And like he said, it's a wicked world we live in
It's a wicked world we live in

Friday, December 27, 2002

The sun was bright on her face. Even from far away, the crowd could see the radiance being projected from her skin. A small speck in the distance, barely visible, but completely absorbing. In all the chaos, not one eye or ear or mind diverted its attention.

But she saw only the sun. She stared, completely unaware of everything. She stared until, starting from the center of the fiery sphere, a black stain spread across her vision. A false eclipse.

The day had barely begun, but the sun was more complete than it had been in months. The city burned with light. The sky's blue was total and constant, uninterrupted by any cloud. Except for one. One black cloud that charred everyone's vision like the sun had charred the woman's.

As everybody stared up at the woman below the dark cloud, the woman thought only of how cool the air felt as it pushed up against her. Or was it she that pushed down against it?

The crowd below screamed, gasped, sobbed. Still, no one looked away.

The woman knew she would die today. She knew it during the minutes before she jumped. She knew it as she jumped. And she certainly knows it now. Today had been the twenty-seventh September 11 of her life, but she would not live through this one. Only a few seconds left to go.

Thursday, December 26, 2002

So.. he likes this girl in grade 8 and asks her out at the end of the year. She declines... and so poop. That ended. Years later, he moves away to New Brunswick.

Now, somehow, they manage to carry their friendship along all this time... to the point where... get this.

He's going to come back to Waterloo for university in a few months... and both of them are staying single... because they love each other. And... hoorah... would you look at that?

Fuckin' Hollywood-styles.

I wonder how it'll end up... if it'll work out or not... sniff sniff. So touching.

It's shit like this that makes me wonder if the world is really that random at all... there are moments in time in which I swear the world revolves around individual people like myself. In its own unique way. Everything ends up to its own. WEeeeeeird!

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
-- Will Durant

Perhaps I spoke too soon last night. I had indeed spent it in the company of others... proved me wrong.

I had gone to Mike's house.. and we chilled for the night. I played my movies.. the MacGuffin and Bordered. I hope they liked. I dunno. I suppose I did have fun... and no... I guess I didn't end up spending christmas all on my own.

But I don't take back any of the arguments I made. We're still all ridiculously lonely... just listen in on the chat Brian and I had on our way home. It's the truth.

I had taken the time this morning to re-read my posts... all the way from October 12th, to yesterday, December 24th. I only wonder what had happened. It seems I had felt so much better about things earlier this year. How come I don't really remember that? Why have I forgotten so much of it? How did it turn to this?

Looking upon it... I realize December has jaded my view. I don't know how, but... it's a rug that's been slipped under me without my knowing... and hten December hit.. and it got pulled it. I then proceeded to land on the rug and get caught up in its rolling... then for the past while, I've been pulled and dragged along a steep set of stairs at break-neck speed. Bloodied and bruised, I'm still on my way down.

Quite vivid, non?

I don't know what happened. I seemed a better person back then. More personable, friendly, and ish.

You can see that i'm completely fucking up this whoel Zen thing. Hahahaha.. not quite living in the now. Still stuck in the past. Fairly stuck.

I don't think I know what I missed... and I... I'm done. I really can't write about this anymore. And I'm sure you're sick of the whining.

Men have become the tools of their tools.
-- Henry David Thoreau

current music: Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - It's Raining on Prom Night

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Given the chance, I whine a lot. I barely say anything positive anymore. I suppose I'm just that big of a pessimist. Fuck.

Merry Christmas everybody. It's been my worst ever. I do not feel any relief on this holiday. Instead, I feel that I'm working my ass off for my future. Such a depressing holiday. Honestly, I am in serious need of some selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Seriously.

I can think back a year ago and realize that I actually had a lot going for me back then... which is why I suppose I bought the book of Zen Living. So I can live in the moment. Who knows... maybe I'll look back a year from now and think that I had everything going for me... just didn't see it. Isn't it always how it is?

Anyway, last year... I dunno what I was doing at this time, but I know I was enjoying it. I believe there was a party. Some good dinner. Some good entertainment. What am I doing tonight? I'm doign university work, and hanging out alone. In a world that's horribly overpopulated, we are ridiculously lonely. I suppose the holiday season just really kicks it up even more... cuz it's a time for family and friends and loooove. And last year, I had a party with friends and friends and friends. This year... I have... well... my pencil. My mp3 list... a few contacts on msn and icq, etc. For God's sakes.. there's 2000 people in WCI, I only care for a few. Well, actually.. I only truly love one.. but.. sorry guys. That's my point... ridiculous! Outta 2000 people who are in the same age category, I feel lonely because of one. For fuck's sakes.

God... you know... maybe next year.. I'll become like a hermit or something at York. And christmas'll be spent completely without anybody. I wonder why humans have such a fear of that... even though the idea of it is ridiculous... though people feel alone thye never are. They just kinda overlook things... like me.. Yangmin and Brian are witnesses of me completely blotting everything... right you two?

I read an interesting article the other dya. It provided a link to an online test that took me forever to do... but apparently I have serious dependency and esteem issues. Hoorah... makes me wanna be a psychiatrist. So I can talk to myself and think I'm gypping the system. $100 an hour. Woohoo!

North America is a place obsessed with happiness. We have fucking SUVs, big houses, lotsa electricity, all these possessions and we still want more. North America is the only place in the world where people will actually paysomeone a hundred bucks an hour to listen. North america's the only place in the world where people EXPECT happiness. I mean, in Afghanistan, they just want to survive the night. Do they expect happiness? Fuck no. But they'll probably reach it before we do. I mean.. their idea of happiness is a piece of bread. Ours is... well.. fuck if I know what people want anymore. Stupid white men. Goddammit. Hollywood, romanticism, government, sitcoms... all that shit has spoiled this entire generation into a bunch of selfish brats. We're all emotionally fucked. Psychological egoism at its very definition.

And guess what? I'm adding to this shit. By creating films, I'm romanticizing everything. Well... no more. I hereby declare all my films shall be truthful, real, and eye-openers. Well... maybe not all... but I'm sick and tired of having children grow up on sitcoms like 'Friends' where every show concludes in a neat package. Where nothing changes, and everybody's happy by the end of hte 30 minutes. Well... fuck that! 30 minutes from now, I'll still be typing this... nothing will happen.

Destroy every assumption that you ever have. Throw away all expectations. Remove yourself from presumption. Fuck all that. That's what causes unhappiness. In North America, we expect love, we presume on dependency, we assume that everything works for US. Nope.. nope... nope. It's all done. People need to realize that before they go slitting their wrists over crashing stocks. People need to realize that before they hang themselves over a break up. People need to realize that before they seek revenge on anyone, because by presuming actions like the above won't happen, you cause your own grief.

We mortals waste too much of our time on fruitless guilts and passions. People who mope throw their life away. I throw my life away at this instant...

I had said the other day that I want my heart ripped out so I would be unfeeling. Then I was replied... but then you'd miss what life is about... and I said... good point. But now I wonder.. would we enjoy life a lot more if we were less.... emotional? Hmm? Cuz it seems all that causes are problems... wars.. hatred.. unhappy marriages... divorces.. babies... broken homes... orphans.. single mothers.. single fathers... uhappy children.. depression.. break-ups.. suicides.. emotional disorders... homicides... assaults... harassment... protests... activism... and once in awhile.. it'll make somebody happy.

Hollywood does it again. Who knows... maybe I'm just bitter and jaded. Feel free to tell me otherwise. I'm sure you're a lot more experienced than I am...

You know.. I'd seen the truth awhile ago... and that is that I am to blame for what I have felt, experienced, caused, and said. Everything in my life right now... I have caused it. Through assumptions, presumptions, tests, paranoias, worries, vengences, psychosis... all leading to this. Times like these I knwo the world is not random. Everything's come together just like at hte end of hte movie... and there's something to be learned. Somethign to be changed.

Everybody's got their problems.. it just matters how you solve them. I've picked wrong. And I've learned.

"Why do things that matter the most never end up being the things that we chose. Now that I find no way so bad. I don't think I knew what I had." - Sum 41

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Sometimes all of my problems seem to fade away. Sometimes they constantly gouge out my wrists.

Today, I received my package for York. I have to write a short story, an essay, some more stuff (like.. if I could take three films with me on a desert island)... all that jazz. Whoo-wee. It's due January 6th... postmarked.. no later.

After looking through it... I've realized that I have a long way to go in life still. That I should worry less... tha tI really should be worried more about this fucking package than whatever else.