Dicktion (also spelt diction) is a scientific term describing the friction applied to a penis during a sexual act. Broadly speaking, it falls into two types, positive and negative, both of which are notoriously difficult to measure empirically. Researchers rely on subjective accounts, although a number of objective (measurable) factors involve penile arousal (or lack of it), and in extreme cases, redness and irritation of the skin of the stimulated penis.

Successful dicktion is almost invariably accompanied by pleasurable sensations in the owner of the penis involved. Tastes in dicktion vary and are highly individual.

A note of clarification: Conjecture exists among experts as to whether the male owns his penis or the other way around. We will assume the former for the purposes of this article. In rare cases there can be no doubt that the genitals of the males involved are the property of their female partners (see ball-breaker).

An increasingly common method nowadays is sometimes called Hamstering. This involves using the prepared skin of small furry animals, usually hamsters, in order to create the optimal dicktion level. The rare practice of Hedgehogging (use of hedgehog skins in a similar manner) is banned by law in most western countries, as is the Pinocchio method (see below).

Positive dicktion occurs when the pressure and rubbing sensation is conducive to erection, ejaculation and orgasm. Penile manipulation which produces positive dicktion, either by the organ's owner (see masturbation), or another person, will generally produce arousal and, if continued, ejaculation and orgasm in the owner of the organ.

Penis owners will often choose partners based upon the partner's understanding of, and ability to, produce, manage, and perform positive dicktion using the various methods.

Flaccid penis positive dicktion (FPPD) can take a number of forms, many of which are dependent upon the predilections of the penis owner. Generally speaking, it is advisable to use a varied up-and-down motion of the hand (see advanced wanktion), similar to milking a cow. Sucktion and lubrication can help. Skilled professional FPPD practitioners exist but consulations are expensive as they are in great demand almost everywhere. They use advanced techniques known as get-it-up, often abbreviated to GIU.

LND occurs almost exclusively when more than one partner is involved. It will, in the absence of other stimulation (see pornography) usually result in loss of erection due the falling arousal level of the male subject (see droopy dick syndrome). Male subjects have been known to fall asleep when LND occurs. Chronic LND has been known to result in adultery (in the male) and, in extreme cases, separation or divorce.

Common causes of LND are:

Inexperience or lack of attention when the person generating the dicktion is either unused to the intricacies of penile manipulation, or is simply bored and watching television (or similar) while performing the manipulation. Talking about shopping or the neighbours during this process has been shown to produce rapid flaccidity: in fact, this techniques are sometimes used as a cure for priapism. Some researchers claim that the words "Do you love me?" produce an immediate effect, but all researchers agree that many male subjects show a marked lack of receptivity to sounds during penile stimulation.

Oral LND is almost unknown although there have been recorded cases, invariably caused by poor technique. If this is a common occurrence between heterosexual partners, it is advisable to examine the male subject in order to preclude gayness as a possible cause. If gayness is shown to be a significant factor, it is advisable to replace the female subject with a male one, as this tends to cure the problem.

Vaginal LND is much more common due to the lack of the necessary muscle tone in the participating vagina (see bucket syndrome). In some cases, the size of the penis involved is a factor (see tiny todger syndrome).

Manual LND is most often caused by lack of attention, poor technique, excessive application of lubricant, or the use of a lubricant with a coefficient of dicktion which is too low.

Anal LND is almost unknown, as is LND during auto-erotic stimulation. However, both of these methods are common causes of high negative dicktion.

All forms of LND can sometimes be alleviated by the use of other external stimulants such as pornography (see Graphical GIU) or phone sex (see Interactive Voice Response).

High negative dicktion (HND) occurs during penile manipulation which produces too much dicktion. HDN is much more common than LND and is very common during auto-erotic stimulation (see death grip syndrome).

HND will generally produce a high level of sexual arousal in the owner of the penis, although this is generally temporary as negative effects will increase in proportion with the use of HND.

Intermittent and judicious use of borderline HND during penile manipulation has been shown to produce various physical effects in the subject. Among these are: panting, drooling, raised body temperature and increased erectile rigidity.

Excessive and/or frequent use of HND can have negative effects on the the health of the individual.

HND is rife among young males and has a particularly high occurrence where these have access to the Internet. There appears to be a correlation in these subjects between HND, use of peer-to-peer file-sharing networks, and the possession of huge amounts of disk-based physical memory on the computers involved, although research is sparse. HND occurrence in this group tends to decline with age and experience and has possibly had a beneficial effect on the hand lotion sector of local economies.

Prolonged or repeated use of HND will in general result in redness of the penis, colloquially known as a 'Rudolph', after Rudolph the Red-knobbed Reindeer. Dicktion and Reindeer researchers agree that this is an erroneous reference, as Rudolph's famous red knob was produced by herpes and not HND. Persons with a 'Rudolph' can often be identified by their characteristic walk and generally pained expression.

HND will invariably occur in remote, often lonely, desert environments where the ubiquity of airborne sand combines with dry ambient conditions. These cases can be extreme and result in the penis being worn to a stump or permanently scarred (see Gulf War Syndrome). This is not related to the Pinocchio Method as Pinocchio's penis is made of wood, and sandpaper is a suitable dicktion aid for wooden penises. Contrary to human penises, these are easily replaced when worn down.

Chronic masturbators (see wankers) will often succumb to the Death Grip Syndrome. This occurs when the practitioner loses sensitivity to all but the highest levels of dicktion, usually due to excessive wanktion. Various ill effects involve a Rudolph (see above), formation of callouses on the penis and chronic loss of sensitivity in the glans (see hard-hat).

The first documented case of Death Grip Syndrome was observed in an englishman called Billy Nomates, who was examined in depth by Kinsey in the early 1950s.

Chronic cases of Death Grip Syndrome will often experience pain in the arms, sight reduction, knee weakness, atrophied testicles and baldness.

The first mechanical dicktion device – the so-called Dicktion Engine – was constructed by Sir Charles Wankage in the 19th century. He was aided in his efforts by the wife of the Lord of Scunthorpe, Linda Lovelace, who was an early sucktion expert and researcher. Wankage's first engine functioned well but he died before completion of the second version. It has since been constructed and can be viewed – but not used – in the Science Museum.

Later dicktion devices are generally disappointing once removed from the GIU-like packaging. One notable exception to this is the Fleshlight which has gained a following among dicktion aficionados everywhere. Just don't tell your friends you've got one.

Among the more advanced techniques is the Lewinsky method. Information about this is copyrighted. However, we can reveal that it involves an Oval Orifice and is often referred to using the proprietary name Dicktation.

Dicktion has long been opposed by the Catholic Church, who only allow fucktion. This is somewhat unwillingly accepted as a necessity in the production of new souls, which form their main raw material. Wanktion and sucktion are classed as sins and fucktion is only allowed when ejaculation involves as little orgasm (and the accompanying pleasure) as possible. Anal dicktion is strictly forbidden, except in secret between priests and choirboys.

Most organised religions have discouraged dicktion, as the relaxation and contentment successful dicktion produces in males prevents the subversion and subsequent sublimation of the sexual urges of recipients, much of which is crucial to the continuation of these religions and their associated power structures.

It has been mentioned above that many males show a lack of response to sounds when their partners apply dicktion. This has been exploited by many females and usually results in expensive and unnecessary purchases.