I Survived The Rapture — With No Thanks to Kirk Cameron

What you’re about to read here is true — not one thing altered for dramatic purposes, the gospel truth.

I lived through The Rapture. And Kirk Cameron left me for dead. And that is actually what occurred in my dream last week.

But first let me start with a brief orientation into the noggin that is mine.

I happen to be a Professional World Class Nonsensical-Dreaming Crackpot.

I have never had a normal — classified “textbook” — dream in my life.

My dreams are like Salvador Dali paintings — which have been syndicated and reran on low budget for the USA Network.

And if my dreams were indicative of my sanity, I’d be typing this blog post with my big toe — while my arms lay folded in a straight jacket. Which might look, yes, crazy.

I want to be normal. I do. I want to have normal dreams like normal people about normal things like (1) losing my teeth in the bathroom sink or (2) walking into a work meeting naked or (3) forgetting to show up to my final exam for a class I haven’t attended since 1992.

These dreams sound fun. They seem . . . normal.

Last week I was almost struck by a tornado. In my dream I was. There was a tornado coming toward my home.

This is my childhood home — hit by a tornado. I don’t like to mess around with tornadoes.

That’s why the tornado in my dream was particularly terrifying. So that’s why I called up my neighbor — to see if I could take shelter in his basement. I didn’t have a basement, you see. Of course I didn’t. I bet I had fourteen bathtubs in my living room, an elevator in my kitchen — but no basement.

Oh, and it happened that my neighbor was Kirk Cameron.

Only, Kirk was too busy to get the phone. He was downstairs working in his recording studio on a new song for the upcoming Growing Pains reunion. And by New Song, I mean Old Song. But Dream-Angie didn’t know the difference.

Finally Kirk’s assistant answered the phone. Could I come over to wait out the tornado? A big pause. Followed by intense discussion with Kirk in his recording studio. No, I guess Kirk is far too busy for guests right now.

Would I check back by texting him later? Yes, I suppose I could do that.

The tornado was of course still coming toward my house. And since I’ve never sent a text message before (!), I was feeling a tad stressed about the fact that my life now hinged on (1) my ability to send a text message and (2) Kirk Cameron cutting a successful remix of As Long As We’ve Got Each Other.

After waiting for what may be estimated as an hour in dream-time and upon realizing my phone could not send a text message because it was in fact a calculator, I opted to give up on Kirk and seek shelter at the house of my other neighbor.

Who happened to be Susan from Eight is Enough.

An angel in a ’70s sweatsuit.

Who happened to be extremely nice. In fact, I would nominate Susan for #1 Nicest Bradford Girl if not for the fact that Joanie was quite awkward looking and therefore seemed much more accessible.

But at this particular moment, Joanie was not around — probably off remaking the Eight is Enough song.

Susan said I could come over. And I did — and that’s when I noticed there wasn’t a basement in Susan’s house either. But lots of stairs to her second floor. Susan reassured me that “scientists” now believe you are safer on a staircase in the case of a tornado — something about air current moving in a counter-clockwise rotation that runs opposite to a flight of stairs.

It was all so very confusing. And confusing doesn’t work well in my dreams.

In the end, I awoke. And by “awoke”, I mean — I survived. I survived The Rapture, everyone!

Because it was upon waking that I remembered Kirk Cameron’s movie — his signature 2001 pet project film, Left Behind.

Left Behind — The End of Days, people!

And then it all became clear. It was not a tornado. The tornado was just a metaphor. No, it was The Rapture. And I survived!

Or, sure, you could also say I was left behind.

I have to wonder though whether Kirk made it out alright.

I’d like to hope he survived. Or something. He seems like a nice enough guy. Or something. Hopefully he found a nice sturdy staircase to cling to.

Wow. I just figured Kirk Cameron would be a little nicer. Goes to show you that you never really know someone until you’ve ridden out a dream-tornado with them. Sorry he turned out to be so insensitive, but I’m glad that Susan was there for you.

I spent all last night dreaming I was looking for a bathroom. I’m kinda glad I didn’t find one.

Ha! I so get it on the glad you didn’t find a bathroom thing. I remember I once had a dream where I finally found the bathroom but the stall was doorless and in the middle of a busy department store during a lemon days sale. I, um, sat down and the couldn’t do anything because I got stage fright. And, yes, when I awoke I was tremendously relieved that it hadn’t worked out for me.

All of my dreams are about my desperately needing to pee and not being able to find an adequate toilet. OK, there was also the one in which my husband was a fly and I killed him with Windex. Actually woke up crying that time.

But surviving the rapture? That’s an impressive subconsious you have. I watched one of those Kirk Cameron end of days movies once. What? There was nothing else on. It was repulsive, yet strangely fascinating.

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but I found that cutting curried lamb and Szechuan spiced cracklins off my late night snacking list has changed my dreams significantly. In fact, since my late-night snack diet changes, I haven’t seen a single B-grade celebrity in my dreams. No-sir-ee – nothing but A listers and the occasional talking llama.

As for Scottie’s A or B rating, I’d say B, only because I have no idea what he looks like this decade. I just finished a dinner which included Japanese spiced roasted beets. I’m not sure I’ll have to even be asleep to see Dawn Wells and/or the late Don Knotts.

Angie,
Sometimes Le Clown is late to a party, not because he’s fashionably cool, but because he’s a douche. I think he’s been missing out on the fun on your blog… My wife and I were watching Survivor last week – yes, I am admitting this publicly. Anyway, Blair from The Facts of Life is a contestant, whatever the fuck her real name is. My wife and I were all giggly and shit. Too bad it wasn’t Joe, though.

Sorry for my extremely tardy reply to this comment. If you are late to the party, I am late cleaning up the party. That whiskey vomit you left on my floor has since fossilized into the shape of a unicorn. You’d be quite pleased with yourself if you could see it.

Thank you for stopping by. You’re always welcome, late or not. And Blair will make a formidable Survivor. I do hope she still feathers her hair.

OK, you had me laughing on the title alone – that Kirk Cameron just makes me smile, for some reason. This is a man who understands the miracle of bananas. Of course, now I’m worried that I’ll dream about losing my teeth (dreams 2 and 3 are regular visitors) – which I guess is better than actually losing my teeth while I sleep, something I’ve come close too a couple of times, most notable when dream me did an elegant flip out of a tree over a white tiger. I woke up with a thump, to the sight of Bonnie Lee and Sasha, who were on the bed, staring at me from above. I should mention that Sasha was a cat, cause, like, I didn’t chew Double Mint.

1. Kirk probably was having another awesome birthday party and didn’t want to share his sandwich. (if this reference is baffling I can clarify)
2.I’m also a purveyor of bizarre dreams. People say “I dreamt I was eating an ice cream cone” and I keep waiting things to go Dante’s Inferno from there.
3. I never really watched 8 Is Enough. The guy in the middle of the back row – is he supposed to be one of the kids? Because he’s clearly in his late 30’s.

1. I did see that heart-wrenching video of the saddest little birthday party in all the land. But, wait, was it a sandwich his staff presented him with and not a cake? I can’t remember now. Otherwise, how does the sandwich fit into this?
2. My husband’s dreams are like, “I dreamed we bought a new house.” Or, “I dreamed you mowed the lawn for me for once.” They’re so sane it scares me.
3. Ah, yes. That would be David. He was about 30, yes. And he played about 22.

Great post! I’ve been following your blog for awhile now and find each entry highly entertaining and fun. Brings back a lot of memories for me from “back in the day”. Like many others of a certain vintage I was completely in love with Kirk Cameron as Mike Seaver and had his image plastered all over my pre-teen walls. It’s fascinating the stories the unconscious mind weaves when we’re asleep, blending decades and images in weird and wonderful ways. And when it comes to dreams, I think weird is preferable… “normal” is totally over-rated! Thanks for sharing. :-)

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged about the tornado before. Maybe because WordPress classifies this as a humor blog, and I have yet to find the haha side of surviving a natural disaster. I suppose I could discuss how Jimmy Carter came for a visit. That has comedy gold written all over it.

My half-whacked dreams make total sense, too…perfect little screenplays where every demented moment falls into place. And they’ve included special appearances from such notables as Barbara Hershey, Sharon Stone, the Fantastic 4, Babe Ruth, the cast of ‘Young Guns’, and SCTV’s Catherine O’Hara. But never, ever has Kirk Cameron wandered into any of them. So…congratulations?

As much as I love SCTV, would you believe that Catherine O’Hara has never appeared in my dreams? Not even Joe Flaherty. Not even Harold Ramis. 1989-Angie would’ve said Martin Short is “the boy of my dreams” but I never dreamed about him either.

Well, OF COURSE Kirk Cameron wouldn’t let you come over. Everyone knows he’s really a dick! What? You didn’t know that? Well, apparently your subconscious does. Why else would he essentially keep all of that surving space in his basement to himself and not even let you come over? That’s not very neighborly, I have to say. And here I will refer back to my previous statement, re: the dickitude of said Kirk Cameron. The Defense rests.

I even had a dream about Scott Baio last week. You’re saying you don’t also dream about Scott Baio and Eight is Enough characters? I think I need to lie down on some person’s couch and talk about this more.

I share your tornado dreams. Only, I haven’t actually had the horrifying experience of actually witnessing one. I also have reoccurring plane crash dreams. Then I had a dream where an airplane flew INTO a tornado and I sought shelter at a SyFy amusement park. For the sake of your REM sleep, I’m glad you survived.

Any dream with Kirk Cameron would have to be a nightmare. What a putz. The last dream I remember there was this giant fish floating by my head and I was annoyed and called up my friend and demanded that she come get her fish. And another time I dreamed I went to prom with President Obama. I’m kind of glad I often forget my dreams.

I think you might be my dream soulmate! This all sounds so similar to the type of dreams I have. Did the President put out for you at Prom? I don’t want to make you jealous but my most famous pregnancy dream involved Barack and I making out in the Oval Office. Of course, that would be a “normal” dream, and I don’t have normal dreams. So in addition, we discussed how he had his mouth electronically bugged by his Secret Service men to make sure he wasn’t cheating on Michelle. In other words, we had to be careful not to kiss too loudly or else they would hear us. Or maybe they’d just assume he was chewing gum or something. It was a very tricky situation.