My take on Life, Love, and even Grad School

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Monthly Archives: February 2015

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It’s amazing how much feelings can change and shift in such a short time span. Sometimes I’m confused by my feelings. And sometimes I just can’t believe the sheer volume of my feelings.

I just re-read a blog post I wrote 6 months ago (in August) about my relationship and I had completely forgotten how strongly I felt at the time. I remember being mad at my boyfriend, but I didn’t remember how frustrated I was with our relationship as a whole. I do, however, distinctly remember how quickly those feeling thawed once I actually got to see him and speak to him (okay, it actually took several hours, but I think that’s quick considering I had been annoyed with him for weeks).

My feelings for him are always amplified when he’s around or right after he’s left. This makes me nervous. Yes, right now I am head-over-heels. But how will I feel in 3 weeks? If my feelings are so changeable, are they still real?

While my boyfriend was visiting for Valentine’s Day he mentioned how different we were. Having been on my second glass of wine, I jokingly took a great deal of offense to this. But there are many ways in which we are very different (not that there’s a problem with this, as he reminded me “opposites attract” and we always have stuff to talk/argue about). One of our biggest differences, in my opinion, is his tendency to be rational and my tendency to be emotional. It’s not that I don’t think rationally, I just think that emotions can be equally as important.

What I’m trying to get at, in far too many words, is that I place a lot of stock in my emotions. And when I’m feeling emotions that are new to me, I don’t know what to make of it.

This being the first time I’ve ever been in a relationship, I’m having lots of new feeling. Most notably, I can’t really grasp just how much I like my boyfriend. I’ve never liked anyone this much. I’ve never enjoyed spending time with anyone (including my mom!) as much as I enjoy spending time with him.

Considering that 6 months ago I felt like our relation ship was on the verge of collapse, I don’t know if I can trust my emotions. But now – and I would never tell him this – I can’t think about my future without thinking about him.

Is this how everyone feels with their first love? Does it make any difference that I’m 23 and not 16? Will I be reading this in 3 years (or 6 months!) and once again be feeling differently? Or will I still be so in love that I can hardly process it?

I don’t know. But I do know that right now I’m in love and it’s good. Really good. And I guess nothing else really matters.

But really, I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to open up a word document and get typing. I often think about writing up my thoughts and posting them, but I don’t. I guess part of me thinks it’s a waste of time, and I don’t have time to waste (my YouTube history would argue otherwise). But it’s not a waste of time. Writing makes me happy. In times of stress it can be easy to push away the things that make you the happiest, even if you just end up mindlessly procrastinating.

I can’t guarantee that I’m going to start blogging regularly again (let’s be honest, it was never very regular). But in this very moment, I’m doing something that makes me happy. Maybe I’ll do it again soon.