Tag Archives: reason

So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.

The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.

ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.

Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.

Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.

So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.

He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.

I’m a Morron.

I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.

Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.

I believe in a lot of stuff and cosmic powers and protection of the dead and all of that sort of thing is part of it. I know that I am not always the nicest of people, I actually am a bottler, I prefer to keep it all inside until the bottle gets too full to keep the lid on and then it bubbles out and eventually erupts like someone shook it up.

To those that experience this…. I apologize. I don’t mean to lash out at you but most of the time I don’t properly channel my rage.
That being said. I would like to specifically apologize to Neph. You’re probably one of my best friends and I don’t mean to take any of my angry energy out on you.

Over the years I’ve worked on it… you guys should have seen me 7 years ago, just out of high school…. But this doesn’t mean that I have it completely under control and I’m sorry.

As for the subject of this… I think that my recent upset, fueled by my dead brother David’s birthday -which is today mind you – was helped along by my brother. My unintentional rage got me banned from a favorite site of mine without warning… which I take offense to since I have been a part of this site for a year. I think that a warning, suspension or something a little more appropriate then an outright ban for snippy behavior, would have been more appropriate but who cares? I’ve taken the motto C’est La Vie for a reason. I think this reason was because my brother was trying to tell me that I need to calm down and start easing myself back into things I really enjoy instead of spending my time in an alternate reality with other people, that it’s time for me to probably start making my alternate realities and writing my own stuff again, take up my old hobbies, design websites again…. to really settle myself in my head instead of letting a whole bunch of other people dictate my musedom.

For this I love my brother even though I hate what happened (and the way it happened) and I hate not being able to enjoy the people there that I enjoyed for so long. To those that I hurt their feelings. I’m sorry loves.

I hoped you all have a fantastic day. <3333

PS. I’m going to get a comparison picture of my son and my brother David to show how much they look alike…. it’s uncanny.

It’s no where near complete. The person that designed one of the layouts that I was basing my layout on decided that it’s awesome to duplicate code when PHP is available. >_> Needless to say I’m having to manually change the hears and footers. That’s probably my only problem with it, that it is a little hard to skin because of what is available Otherwise its great. And if it’s hard and you look at what I have then you’ll see I’m just complaining to complain. There are a few things that have to be fixed to fit properly but it’s not impossible at all. ^_^

Otherwise Not much got done today. My friend went to the hospital for a blood transfusion. She’s feeling better now. My other friend is unable to connect to the net for some reason. *pets them both. I’m curious though. My friend said the blood transfusion made her feel a million times better. I wonder if that is why vampires drink blood, it’s like vampire sustenance which is happy juice and we’re the juice box!

I will be going to the park with the kids tomorrow as long as it’s not too cold.