Saturday, June 8, 2013

Here Without You

If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure in the hell don't deserve me at my best.

We all have bad days. How those bad days effect us on our good day depends on us. My last post was an example of a bad day, but today is a new day. I strive to move forward and find the happiness I know is within myself. I don't rely on anyone or anything to help me find it. I'm still checking doors from the hallway, but each day the light is a little brighter. Two steps forward, one step back ... It's still progress!

The people who knew me a year ago still tell me how strong I am, although most days I don't feel so strong. I have to gather the strength to live and be happy, if not for myself, for my children. I'm lucky to have those people to remind me. I'm also very lucky that, even though some of them are thankful I did what I did, they also understand my anguish and the fight I have within myself almost daily.

Maybe the bad days got to be too much for me to handle. I had to walk away. I had to protect my children; more specifically, my son, who is so much different than he was a year ago. His spirit is bright again. He smiles, laughs, and acts goofy just like a twelve year old should.

Something is missing, and the three of us together get by however we can, although we all know it isn't the same anymore. The one who made us laugh the most hides away in the foothills.

The help he's getting may be working. I certainly hope so, anyway. I wouldn't know because from my perspective he's still hiding when there are people in this world who love him for who he really is. The real him, not the lie he has created for everyone else to believe.

It was only a matter of time before my nerves had enough, but you're still with me in my dreams. It gets hard, but it won't take away my love.