In today’s challenge, I’m supposed to write a blog post and let it organically morph into another topic. Not sure why, but then again I probably didn’t read the instructions.

Men got nothing on me. When I need to assemble something, I take out all of the pieces; hold a screw driver and the instructions (upside down); and start reading out loud. Before you know it, someone grabs the instructions and screwdriver and starts assembling. I don’t need no stinkin’ instructions.

I wonder if that counts. I started writing about the writing challenge and then digressed into instructions and assembly. Hey, maybe that’s a subplot. Maybe I’m subconsciously a writer. I’m taking a writing class online. It’s less writing and more outlining and preparing to write. I’m much better at preparing to write than I am actually writing.

I’m also taking a procrastination class. It turns out it isn’t about procrastination at all. Quite the opposite, it’s about doing stuff. Like ALL DAY. And by stuff, I don’t mean napping. Napping was not on the list.

Step one was to estimate how long everything would take to finish and then time yourself doing it to see how accurate your estimates were. So I estimated everything I normally do and then timed myself doing it. And after analyzing the results I discovered, I’m really good at procrastinating, quite efficient and effective.

I’m not sure he meant for me to time the activities I perform to procrastinate or the activities I should have been performing if I wasn’t procrastinating. I think his instructions were a little vague.

I did discover one thing, See if you can follow this train of thought. (Warning, Ride can make you dizzy.)

Things I use to keep from doing by procrastinating become the things I do to procrastinate if I find something I don’t want to do more than the things I was supposed to do before. Follow that? Don’t worry I barely did.

I use to procrastinate writing blog posts and would do other things to keep from writing blog posts. Now I write blog posts to keep from working on my book. I think I may have stumbled on gold. Now I need to find something I don’t want to do more than writing a book. I don’t know if it’s really accurate to say I don’t want to write a book maybe I’m scared of writing a book. (This is a suggestion from procrastination 101.)

I’ve written like a mad person in the past, when I’ve had a muse. Someone who appreciated and encouraged my work. I can understand why artists who found such a person kept them around. Never underestimate the value of a muse. Where does one find a muse? I wonder if I could build my own.

I may start a YouTube channel The Muse Builder. It starts with a blowup doll, male or female? He / she will need a smashing outfit. Now this sounds productive.

P.S. I was adding search categories to this post and thought about using Mental Health issues. It seems to fit today’s post, but then again it seems to fit most of my posts.

Day 5 of the writing challenge is to write a story about a road trip, fact or fiction, with dialogue as if it’s happening.

The sky was so gray it seemed the sun would never shine again. It match the biting cold. This was the last factory on my schedule. Once I checked in with these guys, I could go home for Christmas. I was eager to get to finish my review and get some shopping done. It wasn’t everyday I was working in the south of France, so champagne, chocolate and china were top on my list.

What wasn’t top on my list the crawling pace of the traffic ahead of me. A few hours outside of Paris and everything had come to a virtual standstill. I was just outside of a small village, a one horse town. Since it was France, maybe a one snail town was more appropriate especially considering the pace. I could have walked faster then we were driving.

I have to say that little silver rental car had one heck of a heater. It wasn’t long before I had to crack the window. I waited semi-patiently my thumb tapping on the steering wheel to the tune on the radio. I heard something strange. Horns, maybe a tuba? It certainly wasn’t in keeping with the French version of pop music playing on the radio.

I turned the radio off, rolled the window down and listened. Drums. Cymbals. It was definitely music. As we crept up to the edge of town, the ten or so shops which made up the business district were decked with tinsel and bells. People lined the streets mostly women and children bundled against the cold. Some cameras flashed.

What was going on?

I leaned out of the window to catch a glimpse of the traffic ahead as the road curved to the left. Ahead of me I glimpsed a marching band, a fire truck and several fancy cars. That’s when I realized I was in the middle of the town’s Christmas parade.

I smiled and waved as people snapped my picture. Later they probably asked each other, “Who was that woman in the silver car?”

Day 4 – Review a book. I think this challenge is aimed at bloggers, not fiction writers. These prompts are demonstrating where to get material to write blog posts when you don’t have any materials. This isn’t usually the kind of thing I post. I usually post stories about life, work and my twisted family.

I did a book review earlier in the week, so instead I’m looking at weird gadgets on Amazon. If you are actually interested in purchasing the item, the product names link back to the product pages.

I saw this Endoscope Camera Phone Thingie and thought, “Wow, back up with that thing, Cowboy. No scoping anything over here.”

Review Spy Sunglasses I’m going to have to try to find some girl weirdness, because I seem to be heavy on the guy weirdness. But, if you’re a spy and you’re looking for replacement glasses there are for you. James Bond move over.

I know I promise some girl stuff, but Liquid Ass is just too good to pass up. I might need to buy some of this for my nephew, The Pistol.

This is the Lightning Shocker Game. The slow guy in the group gets the living crap zapped out of him. Great for slower or unsuspecting siblings. I might need one of these myself.

Today’s writing challenge – Find a news article, read and then write your own take on it. It also mentioned something about journalists being impartial.

By now both you and I know I spend more time writing about the writing prompt then actually writing what the prompt says. On my blog I don’t write about controversial topics. I don’t write about politics, religion, or world events. Mainly because as weird as my humor is, my views are weirder.

Journalists impartial, that’s a laugh. Every article I read was an opinion piece. I doubt journalist about as much as I doubt bankers and politicians. Attorneys have dropped to four in my doubtful people list. Good news for attorneys I suppose.

I decided to stay relatively safe and write about science. (Though I don’t know why they had to demote Pluto, the planet, not the dog. They may have demoted the dog too. But that might be controversial, I don’t know what Pluto has been up to since I was a kid. He and I haven’t kept in touch.)

I looked through several studies and found something curious. Scientists read a bunch of other studies and then write a study of their opinion of the other studies. Back when I was in school that was called a book report. I know I’m going back to grade school, but I remember having to develop a theory, run experiments, record observations and then write the results. I didn’t know I could watch Jo Ann’s experiment. Her father was a NASA engineer. She could run through some science let me tell you. If I had read her report and written one about her’s, I would have gotten a much better grade. But for some reason my teacher called that cheating.

Someone needs to have a talk with my teacher. It turns out it wasn’t cheating, it was science and I was a genius ahead of my time. Maybe I should become a scientist, I was good at writing book reports. Oh wait, that’s writing again, which is why I’m doing the writing challenge in the first place. Catch twenty-two.

Maybe I’ll start a political blog for my bizarre views. I’m not a Republican or Democrat. I’m an equal opportunity hater. Oh wait, another blog. That means more writing. Crap. I’m going in circles.

Today, the challenge states to write whatever comes to mind. Wow, that’s dangerous.

I made the mistake of leaving my office door open last night. This morning, I found a state of disarray, chewed bits of paper, pens, pencils, containers, notebooks, paper, and books littered the floor. Kitties gone wild and wasn’t even spring break.

I left a jar, empty of olives, but still containing juice on my desk. My cats decided olive juice was the next best thing to catnip. They dumped the jar over so that it leaked a bit, then chewed up any paper that had juice on it. They must have rolled around with the jar, trying to get it open and knocked everything off of my desk.

I found the two of them trying to gnaw their way through the lid. There aren’t any pictures, because they scattered and have been hiding ever since. I’m going to need a trash bag.

Miss Julia is a southern widow who lives in a small town. Her husband, a miserly man has left her a small fortune and everyone wants a piece of it. He also left his mistress a small child. The mistress, trashy Hazel Marie Pucket shows up on Miss Julia’s doorstep and dumps her nine-year-old son with Miss Julia. Now in addition to fighting off money grubbing frien-emies, her orderly world is turned upside-down when she has to contend with her husband’s misdeed.

One of my favorite subplots is when Miss Julia’s minister convinces her she’s a nymphomaniac. I laughed so hard I snorted when someone suggested a “cure”. If you’re looking for something funny to read Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind is for you.

Like this:

For those who don’t know, this is the first day of a writing challenge I agreed to – Write everyday for 10 days. First, that was a stupid idea. Second, I must have been drunk or off my meds or both when I agreed to this challenge.

The instructions for the first day started with “Go for a hike …”. You must not know me or if you do, you hate me. My sisters are having a good laugh with that one word – hike. They’re thinking, “The challenge is dead.”

The rest of that sentence ended with “… until you find a sign that speaks to you.” That is procrastination waiting to happen. I could be hiking for years before I find a sign that speaks to me. For gosh sakes, where do you find a speaking sign? Should I just go to Pinterest and see if something speaks to me there?

Then it hit me, I know where there’s a speaking sign. The sign at the Arby’s drive through.

It speaks to me. It says, “What’ll you have?”

And I say , “Why the one with cheese, of course.”

No hiking involved. Two birds, one stone, booya.

So I headed down to Arby’s and had a sandwich, sans the soda. I can’t have the bubble stuff anymore due to being poisoned.

I have been challenged. Someone had thrown down the gauntlet and I felt compelled to pick it up. I met someone who has written everyday for more the 1,600 days. I mentioned how much I admired her accomplishment and then next thing you know she’s inviting me to write everyday for the next ten days. She’s going to provide writing prompts. I haven’t ever done writing prompts. I’m not even sure I can write from a prompt.

I’m supposed to publicly announce it and then post my “stuff”.

I was like, “I don’t have a public to announce it to. I’ll have to get some public before I can start.”

And she was like, “How about your blog?”

I said, “That’s not public. I write stupid stuff and then people I know write stupid stuff about my stupid stuff.”

She thought that was an excuse and said, “That’s good enough.”

Obviously, she hasn’t heard about the advance procrastination course I’m working on thinking about putting together. Which reminds me, I should get started.

Is that the sound of cellophane? Are there snacks in the house I don’t know about? That could be a cookie. I must go investigate and I’ll need tea to go with the cookies. I’ll probably be a little sleepy after all that sugar. I feel a nap coming on. …