From mud huts, umqomboti and straightback to penthouses, expensive weaves and moet!

YES 107

I screamed as I got up to try find something to rinse my mouth. In the process the klutz me managed to knock over the cup sending it smashing down into a million pieces. I looked up at him in horror but he was more concerned about.

“Don’t step on the glass!”

He said trying to lead me away. It’s my fault really; I had not tasted to see the heat of the tea before I took that gulp. This is why I prefer alcohol to tea. This nonsense was not for me.

“I am so sorry!”

He said as he led me to the downstairs bathroom. I rinsed and he opened a new bottle of Listerine that was under the sink.

“It will hurt a bit but will also start killing off any bacteria.”

He advised. I heard all that but I could not help notice how you could eat on this bathroom floor. That’s how clean it was. There was not a speck of dust anywhere. This housekeeper of his must have been trained in a monastery Shem.

“Ok thank you. I will be fine!”

I told him. I was starting to feel a bit embarrassed with myself now. The surrounding plus not even knowing how to drink tea was well, belittling.

“Stay here, let me go and clean up the glass.”

He said calmly. I was sure he was going to kick me out.

“I can do it, it’s my mess.”

I offered through the pain in my mouth also compounded by the Listerine.

“And you are my guest. You even have tears in your eyes so take care of that first!”

I had managed to spill on me as well meaning I had an unsightly stain on my pants.

“You can’t wear wet clothes!”

He said.

“Come with me!”

I did not protest. Maybe this was me finally going to see upstairs of his beautiful home. He led me to his master bedroom and ah, I don’t have compliments anymore.

“I am sure these track pants can fit you. I bought them a size bigger when my sister was coming through but she never came hence she never used them!”

He said taking what looked like track pants but was actually a thicker set of leggings, black with a white stripe on the side.

“Thank you but that insinuates that I am fat since you said BIGGER?”

I said trying to lighten the mood by cracking a joke.

“Are you?”

He responded and walked out. Damn, dude! I was not sure if he was kidding as with him walking out I could not see his face. It was actually rude. Oh well, I will show him rude for calling me fat. I went into the bathroom locked the door and opened the shower. The tea was already being a bit sticky on my skin.

“Lungi are you taking a shower?”

He asked from outside the door.

“Yes I am is there a problem?”

I asked him. That is how you do rude!

“No it’s just that…”

He said.

“Its just that what? If you are going to marry me within a year well you going to need a head start in knowing that I like bathing!”

I said and well, it was not what I wanted to say ah. What does that even mean? He laughed and said,

“There are extra towels under the sink and new soap too. Enjoy your bath!”

He said and he walked away. I was very forward but I had my reason. A man who throws down ultimatums needs to know that you too can throw punches. My confidence therefore should be a bonus right?

Courtship.

Every girl no matter who you are has grown up watching stories of princes rescuing princesses. Ok fine white girls maybe but we grew up watching that on TV so take my word for it. That first kiss that raises the princess from a deep sleep. You ask yourself how she managed to sleep for that long without food or water, wait or worse, without going to the bathroom. I can hardly last a day without needing to pee so how do those white princesses do it? I wonder. Anyway, we all want to be told how beautiful we are and that as a man he will fight for us no matter what when the problems come. We want men we know can take care of us and protect us even in a feministic or women empowered society. We have all pictured a big white wedding because well, society has programmed us to see that. It sounds so dumb to some but love is not about right now but it’s about a progression of events that lead us to that alter. Not all men are romantic I get that, we all don’t have the same personalities but effort goes a long way. Show me that you want and show me why I should stop entertaining other suitors because you are the one. We are not cave men and in today’s world a man can’t simply say,

“Me Tarzan You Jane let’s go!”

This is not an episode of the Flintstones ok, this is real life. There are people who say that as you get older as a woman you must not be too picky about who comes knocking on your doorstep. This message is directed mostly at women because unlike men we have a biological clock. I really don’t believe in that because it makes it sound that I must be grateful that a man even looked my way.

All clean I went back downstairs. I hate leggings because they show my ass too much. I am African. I don’t have an ironing board behind me. I have a bum that gives me problems getting the right jeans. I prefer dresses and skirts for this reason. The leggings therefore made me look like those bad bads who twerk for likes.

“Damn Lungi you look…”

He started to compliment then he stopped and did a slow clap.

“You need to wear pants more often you look good!”

He said.

“Even though you called me bigger?”

I asked him folding my hands playfully though.

“Yes, skinny girls are only attractive to high school boys and even nowadays white guys prefer thicker women!”

He said and we both laughed.

“So back to you marrying me by December, that was rather abrupt don’t you think?”

I asked him taking us back to the moment before the tea. I think part of me was hoping he would say he was kidding but he just looked at me and said,

“Of the last 3 relationships you had, were you not wooed and serenaded for months?”

He asked me.

“I was!”

I responded.

“Where are they all now?”

He asked me as a matter of fact. I actually felt stupid now because truth be told, two turned out be total dicks and the other well, I wish he was dead and crows are eating out his testicles.

“Ok fine.”

I responded sensing defeat before the battle even came.

“Well then I rest my case!”

He concluded. It’s amazing that when we look into the past mistakes of our relationships, the ones which hurt us, usually it’s because we did everything by the book. It’s the relationships that we followed all the rules that come with problems. He had very good qualities about especially the way he was focused and I was attracted to that. He was good looking and had a bit of money something which again I was attracted to. I did not like the ultimatums though. That was like living your life with the barrel of a gun pointed at your head.

“Let’s talk about something else please.”

I asked him.

“Yes please let’s before I get you uncomfortable!”

He said that because I am sure he could see I already was.

“When your mum gets right let’s go to Parys together.”

He said.

“Parys? It’s such a dry place. What’s happening there?”

I asked him. Why on earth would anyone want to end up there though?

“There is a summit on disposal of chemical residue…”

He told me.

“Oh nice, but I am not too keen hey. I don’t feel like a road trip right now with all that’s going on!”

I told him. I did not want to appear like those girls who are like a white man’s dog, whenever they hear road trip they are the first to jump in.

“How do you get to France via road?”

He asked me bemused. Crap, he had said Paris, not Parys! His slight accent had gotten me confused.

“Oh you mean France. I thought you meant…”

Shit! Now if I said Parys I would look the fool.

“Never mind.”

He said. Wait now come on, who doesn’t want to go to France.

“Back to the proposal, I was just putting it out there!”

He said changing the topic to what we had said we were not going to talk about. My mind was on the Eiffel Tower now ah he had to remake the offer. I wanted to go.

“You hardly know me though. I am not saying I am not flattered. We haven’t even kissed or you know, had sex?”

I told him. He looked me straight in the eye and said,

“We are not going to have sex until you have an engagement ring at least. We can do everything else but sex!”

He said. I looked at his face to see whether or not he was joking but there was no smile or smirk on his face.

“You are joking right?”

I asked him. Goodness how can we go to Paris, the city of love and not make love. Was this guy out of his mind?

“Nope. How many guys have you slept with that have married you?”

He asked me again so casually but so seriously.

The answer in my head was,

“0”

But the words would not come out. Life with no sex? How is that even life? Imagine the salt mine I would build ah ah like that kid said,

I need help so I have this “mamncane” we were close she was like a sister to me so she has 3 children she was once stranded and couldn’t afford to buy them anything cause she was still waiting for some people to pay her….So now just the other day she went thru my whatsapp and read my msg’s between me and her sister me telling her sister she’s struggling and all she got pissed started sending me texts calling me a devil I’m fine with that what irritates me now is that she won’t pay the accounts she says it’s a form of punishment or something….i need help guys what can I do to make this woman pay me vele? Do u think police would help me?Please help me

Wena what right did you have to hleba ngo mamncane to her younger sister, or anyone for that matter? Serves you right for being a gossip girl. People confide in you and wena you loudspeaking thier issues….Hhe banna

life without sex? nami i would die..lol! ok im lying.. im being courted by a guy who has not once even remotely mentioned sex, its so refreshing :).. Simba is a real one, but i dont think him and Lungi are a good match.. where is Sifiso? *pouts*

You know usually such guys either can not get it up or have small ding dongs, once dated an extremely sweet guy, who said everything right and did everything right, took care of me for a while without initiating go frya di chips, we eventually got to that stage where shem the spider webs had formed and the honeypot needed to be stirred, he switched the lights off on our first night imagine, kanthe motho haeyo,kore as if that was not enough kore lege are e tsugile neo kare ke YO-YO, too soft. Wasted my pussy nje mxm.

Maybe just maybe this is how Simba gets his women. Many men fish with the bait of “I want to marry you/I see a future for us” and ultimately don’t deliver or just lose interest when the chase is done. He’s an intelligent man and as much as Lungi seems as if she’s got it all together men can see through the cracks from a mile away. Let’s just wait and see.

Thanks Team. Simba probably has the biggest D ever seen on mankind- remember he is Zimbabwean, those chaps are gifted (hiding) – and Simba does not want to scare Lungi. I remember my first experience with a Zim guy, he actually went to put the condom etoilet bakithi, because he knew I would be scared shit…. And when he came back he had a towel around, I just saw this huge tent… Got into bed with a towel around, and during that smallanyana foreplay – I eventually touched it, HUAEWI HHHAWEE MMMAARRR… Won’t say anymore