a new anxiety

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I've been mentioning the last few weeks the knot in my stomach, the breathless feeling I have nearly always, when I do remember to take a big deep breath in oh how it feels like medicine. Plain ol' anxiety & me go way, way back I'm used to all those feelings - of doom & gloom, of what ifs, catastrophizing, all or nothing thinking oh and my very favorite, one I have badges for the constant cling of hypervigilence. Me and that old kind of anxiety we've been through it all.

But this feels new, different, unfamiliar. My thoughts seem racing much of the time. My mind too full, my heart too full, challenges, dreams, goals, projects, plans, this e-course with Beth & Kelly Rae I've been taking which has jacked up my passion 100 fold - it's all tres exciting. It's a new kind of anxiety for me - it's feeling overwhelmed with goodness, it's really intense fulfillment, over the top enthusiasm, I find myself wanting to rush through this thing so that I can get on to that next thing. The trouble is - rushing and me are bitter enemies. I f&ck up when I rush. I forget things, I don't enjoy the process when I'm rushing. I like the feeling of being in control, of knowing what I'm doing & taking my time. I like methodical. I like meticulous - it is how I work best I'm quite sure. I dunno what I'm goin' do with this new friend of mine. I'm working on it, struggling a bit with it ... but I'm confident I'll get the hang of it. I know being organized, focused & remembering to breath are very important - essential ! oh, & I probably should take some time out to have some fun ! uh huh ! but oh yeah ... this is what I do for fun.

& a big ol' hooray for that.

ps. I couldn't do this type of collage illustration without my handy dandy table top light box

3 comments:

I guess the problem is it would be "you should just make plan(s)" - it feels like too many items to plan properly ... my world is not really my own (yet) but this is exactly what I wished for - this fullness, this diversity, these challenges so ... it's all OK 'cause these "other" world's are currently buying my groceries & my new pink pens while I'm figuring it all out day by day, moment by moment, new experience by new experience.