12/07/2018

12/06/2018

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - The New York Times delivered an unexpected, blistering rebuke of Sen. Elizabeth Warren (RTRD- Mass) on Tuesday, claiming her DNA test debacle ruined her chance of being elected president.

"Even a child can look at Warren and see she's the whitest cracker in the box. By trotting out a DNA test that proves it this wannabe savage spastically scalped herself, leaving her presidential aspirations prostrate and bleeding on her pretend-teepee floor. Maybe somebody this stupid doesn't deserve to be president."

The article goes on to say Warren would have been better to stick to her earlier repeated refusal to take a DNA test (below).

Former plumber Jesus Eduardo, now known as Angela Ponce, won his/her qualifying rounds in Spain to become the first transformer eligible for the prestigious international competition.

Miss Universe officials are defending their decision to allow Ponce to compete: "Look, her breasts are no more fake than the other girls' and when she tucks, you can barely tell she's a guy - at least from the front. From the back, it's a freak show."

12/03/2018

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Newly elected Democrat superstar Alexandroid Occasional-Cortex told an environmental group on Friday that her election was 'a miracle.'

"Me getting elected to the Congress House was no less a miracle than Jesus turning bread into water or parting the Red River. It's like I'm Jesus only doing miracles here in America instead of, you know, Saudi Arabia."

This isn't the first time Occasional-Cortex has compared her election to pivotal historic events - past comparisons included:

Bread being sliced

The invention of the wheel

Discovery of cheese on the moon

Creation of instant breakfast

Taming of dolphins

Vagisil

Supporters, as well as a growing number of conservatives, are urging Occasional-Cortex to run for the presidency in 2020.

11/30/2018

BIG HAIRY NEWS - More than 50 years after some unknown man apparently boned a monkey and it became one of the most devastating viruses to affect mankind, HIV remains a stubborn adversary. While treatment has improved dramatically over the past 20 years, the disease remains uncurable - at least until now.

Scientists doing HIV research at the University of California San Francisco believe they've identified a cure that promises to be 99% effective. "We're cautiously optimistic, but all indicators are that this disease could be completely eradicated if homos would stop pounding each other in the butt," professor Dr. Hajamet Patel told an HIV/AIDS symposium on Thursday.

Questions of how to institute the cure still remain, with recommendations ranging from killing all male homosexuals to simply removing their penises - a method strongly favored by transgender researchers who claim the penises could be recycled.

While speaking with her husband to a crowd of around 45 people in Toronto, Clinton suddenly lost her voice then lapsed into a coughing/choking fit, finally forcing Bill to take over. Moments later, the lights were dimmed and the event ended as assistants escorted the hacking Mrs. Clinton offstage where she reportedly nearly suffered a stroke.

11/28/2018

Faculty members at Oakland University in suburban Detroit have received hockey pucks and are being trained to use them to thwart active shooters.

The faculty union also is working with student groups to distribute an additional 1,700 pucks to students.

In possibly related news, Oakland University has sent a letter to all area sporting goods stores requesting they stop selling hockey goalie masks.

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Caravan Leaders Demand U.S. Speed Up Asylum Process

Hopeful societal parasites Central American migrants said in a press conference in Tijuana, Mexico on Tuesday that the United States needs to speed up its asylum process, as 'Mexico is a shithole and they won't give us anything.'

In response to the migrants' demands, President Trump Tweeted "Sorry, I'm trying to find another person who's willing to go to Tijuana - it may take a while."

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Al Gore To Host Climate Change Telethon

Al Gore will host a 24-hour broadcast special on climate change next month featuring an array of fading and obscure celebrities and musical performances by artists many assumed dead.

The former vice president on Tuesday announced the eighth annual '24 Hours of Hope - Racing Toward Certain Death' which will be televised in more than 125 countries and streamed online domestically to pot dispensaries and university safe rooms.

According to TV Guide: 'As in past years, Gore will channel a pre-bloated, sleep-deprived Jerry Lewis solemnly shilling cash donations to forestall unparalleled, unimaginable human misery. Joining in the fun will be a host of celebrities and stars.'

11/27/2018

TIJUANA, Mexico (WORLD NEWS BUREAU) - Latest videos of the migrant caravan staged in Tijuana show nearly all of the women and children are apparently transgender - identifying as young men.

The new information has brought a groundswell of support from America's LGBTQ community, as well as Hollywood. Reportedly over $15 million has been raised for gender-reassignment surgery for migrants in need.

"We had no idea these poor people were not only fleeing poverty and violence but also the agonizing turmoil of being trapped in the wrong body," said Chicks With Dicks International (CWDI) founder, Barbi Bologna.

The video below shows the migrants standing in line for one of two free meals served daily by George Soro's Invade America Now Foundation.

11/26/2018

WASHINGTON (Big Hairy News) - New Democrat superstar, Occasional Cortex (RTRD-NY), called for the 'letting in' of tens of thousands of Central Americans marching on the U.S. border - comparing their plight to Jesus Of Nazareth.

"Just like Jesus fleeing Goliath in Palestine, these people are only seeking freedom from injustice and their God-given guarantee of free healthcare, housing, education, and a decent cell phone. I am demanding the immediate letting in of anyone who needs these things as per our Constitution," Cortex said on Meet The Press.

Apparently buoyed by Cortex's message, hundreds of young men in the caravan pelted U.S. Border officers with rocks while charging an entry before being finally turned back by tear gas.

Insiders say caravan leaders have drawn up plans to swarm U.S. vehicle lanes in an overwhelming display of force once joined by an additional 20,000 migrants now making their way north.

11/21/2018

Untethered, raging liberal lunatic Robert De Niro and his long-suffering wife of over 20 years, Grace Hightower (below), have split according to the New York Post.

Reports say Hightower 'couldn't stomach another moment' with the diminutive, profane actor. "A screaming 5-foot old man with a 3-inch penis just doesn't do it for me anymore. I need a real man - preferably one who voted for Trump."

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Creepy Porn Lawyer Girlfriend Gets Restraining Order

Creepy porn lawyer, Michael Avenatti, must stay at least 100 yards away from his former girlfriend, Mareli Miniutti, according to a newly issued restraining order.

Miniutti posted photos of injuries she said she received after the greasy publicity-craving Avenatti allegedly drug her around the apartment while cursing her in a hysterical, angry rage 'just like Robert De Niro.'

Sources say the two have been on the outs since the creepy porn lawyer presented his girlfriend with a 'debilitating, unexpected, and unwanted present' from his biggest client.

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Desperate D-List Celebrities Slam Trump For Publicity

Over-the-hill 'celebrities' have discovered they can keep their names in front of an increasingly-disinterested public by bashing President Trump and his family.

Desperate attention whores such as Jim Carrey, Rob Reiner, Chelsea Handler, Robert De Niro, Alec Baldwin, and other washed-up celebrities are enjoying another 15 minutes of undeserved fame, thanks to the left-wing media's insatiable appetite for anti-Trump/anti-conservative vitriol.

While the non-stop hatred directed at Trump is providing a dim spotlight for some of yesterday's stars, the results aren't all positive as a new poll shows most normal Americans would now rather see these former celebrities 'hideously ripped apart by rabid wolverines in IMAX 3D' than anything else.

11/20/2018

11/19/2018

WASHINGTON (Big Hairy News) - Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (RTRD-NY) is blaming Republicans for an incident on Monday where she was trapped in a federal building for hours.

Reports say Ocasio-Cortez was attempting to exit the building but was unable to open the door until a security guard found and freed her hours later. An investigation showed that an unknown individual had apparently taped a handwritten note saying "push" to a door that could only be opened by pulling.

"This was clearly a Republican effort to make me look foolish. They'll pay for this," said the sobbing neophyte politician as she was taken to a local hospital for observation.

11/16/2018

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) - Just hours after a judge ordered the White House to return press access credentials to CNN reporter Jim Acosta, attorneys for the network said they are filing a new suit against the Trump administration for mounting Acosta's press pass to a dead rat.

"Mr. Acosta, as a respected member of one of America's largest news networks, is due the same privilege and courtesies other members of the White House press enjoy, including not having to wear a dead rodent on his person."

The Trump administration denied they were singling out the reporter, saying from this point forward all new issued White House press passes will be 'similar' to Acosta's.

11/15/2018

11/14/2018

The Rams and Chiefs will not be playing in Mexico City on Monday night as planned according to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell:

"Unfortunately, the field conditions at Taco Bell Stadium in Mexico City are not up to our standards, and we understand that their entire groundskeeping crew was seen climbing the border wall in Tijuana yesterday, so, you know, it's not going to happen."

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Ocasio-Cortez Does Washington

Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (RTRD-CA) spent her first day in Washington, D.C. putting her socialist ideology to work by looking for a handout from well-dressed people on the street.

After striking out, she dropped in on a climate change protest at Nancy Pelosi's office where sources say she did a reach-around on a copier repairman for a few dollars and half a Chalupa, which she then donated to 'the climate.'

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Lewinsky: I Didn't Notice Bill's Special Sauce On My Dress

Monica Lewinski told an interviewer that she did not realize that President Bill Clinton had stained her dress after an intimate encounter in a White House bathroom.

"I literally had no idea Bill splooged my dress. My face, my hair, my shoes, the walls and ceiling - yes, but I did not know about the dress."

Lewinsky said she wore the dress to a dinner party that night (below) and when she noticed the stain a few days later, assumed she had been 'repeatedly sprayed with gravy.'

11/13/2018

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - Recent photographs of Hillary Clinton (below) appear to confirm reports that the veteran politician is preparing to run for president in 2020.

"Mrs. Clinton has a sassy, contemporary look that says, "I'm today. I'm current. I may be proudly bisexual. Look out world, because I'm a breath of fresh air ready to reinvigorate America!" states a new article in this month's Vogue Magazine.

Friends close to Clinton say she is "a new woman" since losing three pounds and taking up yoga.

The GOP charges come as a result of the tabulation of 98,087 (and counting) votes by "Juan Hidalgo" across several Arizona counties.

"This is nothing more than a typical ploy by Republicans to deny ethnic voters their right. 'Juan Hidalgo' is a common name in Arizona - I know at least a few hundred myself," said Arizona Democrat Party Executive Director, Herschel Fink.

As the vote count goes into the fourth day, Arizona election officials continue to tally late provisional votes, as well as 'slow-coming' machine votes in primarily- Democrat districts.