Cars

Starting in October 2016, it will be illegal to smoke in a car (or other vehicles) with anyone under 18 present. The law is being created to protect children and young people from the dangers of secondhand smoke.

Both the driver and the smoker could be fined $80 each. The law applies to every driver in the entire country, and to any private vehicle that is enclosed wholly or partly by a roof. It still applies if people have the windows or sunroof open, have the air conditioning on, or if they sit in the open doorway of the vehicle. The law won’t apply to a convertible car with the roof completely down.

“Children breathe faster than adults so they are much more exposed to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Their airways, lungs and immune systems are still developing so are much more at risk from harm,” said President Obama. “We want children to grow up free from harm and we need parents to understand why smoking in vehicles is so dangerous. 80% of smoke is invisible so even if you think you are being careful you cannot see where the smoke is going.”

Big Tobacco said that they are “not worried” about the law, and that their steady sales will continue.

“People will just smoke in other places now, like in their homes, continually blowing smoke in the faces of their children,” said Marlboro spokesman Mario Luigi. “It’s how I grew up, and I’m totally fine.”

All across the midwestern states, storms containing acid rain have been pouring down, causing major destruction to homes and cars. The rain, which has a higher, drier acid content than most precipitation, is literally eating away at metal and plastic.

“My entire new 4-piece deck set was destroyed, melted away by acid rain,” said Mario Keller, who lives in Tulsa. “Thank God my car was in the garage, though. My neighbor Rick, his new Tesla was completely ruined, as the rain ate the paint and chrome right off his vehicle. It was insane.”

Meteorologists say that the rain has been happening on and off for the last week, but that major rain storms are set to continue happening through the end of the month.

“The pollution in our atmosphere is at an all-time high, and it’s causing this rain, this pollution, to come back down to us,” said meteorologist Joel Miller. “It’s mother nature giving us the finger. The finger right in the ass, as it were.”

After two teen deaths due to ingestion of Mountain Dew mixed with racing fluid, Pepsi-Co will be pulling all racing sponsorships. Cars affected will include Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kasey Kahne, and rookie Chase Elliot.

Racing fluid, used in drag racing, is made up of almost 100% methanol, a non-drinkable form of alcohol used for industrial and automotive purposes. Teens drink it to get an alcohol buzz, and initially, methanol can give the same effects as ethanol. This progresses to symptoms ranging from blurred vision, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea to seizures, blindness, coma and death, depending on the amount and concentration of the methanol that was consumed.

Hendrick Motorsports recently announced a three-year extension of PepsiCo’s longstanding partnership with the organization. They have agreed to rebrand the cars with Pepsi Max logos, which because of the artificial sugar, does not taste good with racing fuel.

Pepsi-Co warns kids not go to the measures of desperate alcoholics to get drunk. Racing fluid, antifreeze, and windshield wiper fluid should never be consumed.

“I thought most teens just stole booze from their parents or got someone’s older brother to buy beer – I mean hell, that’s what we did in my day,” said Pepsico spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Or you know what they could do instead? They could just drink Pepsi brand soft drinks. There’s nothing cooler than hanging out with friends and enjoying a tall glass of refreshing Pepsi Cola or Mountain Dew.”

Marlon Domingo, 16, did not think twice before risking his life to save a sloth that was trapped in the middle of the road. Drivers were going around the sloth, but Domingo knew it was only a matter of time before one was not paying attention.

The sloth seems to have started his journey across the road in the morning before traffic hit. Domingo encountered him in the middle of the morning rush and immediately dashed into traffic to save him. Because of an accident caused by Domingo, police came and blocked off the road, while the sloth was slowly edged to the other side of the road.

While the sloth is fine, a Brazilian couple was injured when they crashed their car into a guard rail. Even though the driver received treatment for whiplash and the passenger left with a broken nose, they say they are just happy the sloth is okay. “I got some cute pictures for Facebook with the sloth once my nose stopped bleeding, so it was all worth it,” commented Mrs. Velasco.

A recently-deceased scrapyard owner is Westfield Police’s initial suspect after five bodies were found on his grounds last Friday. Ed Aviry, of Aviry Metals, passed away from heart failure only a few short weeks ago, leaving his business to his brother John Aviry. Ed’s nephew, 12-year-old John Jr., was the one to discover the first of the remains.

John Sr. says he was in the office, going through paperwork, when his son told him he had found bones.

“’Course I thought they were animal bones, but I agreed to go out to take a look. Then I saw they were sticking out of a jacket and we called it in…But I never thought it was Ed who had done it. He might’ve been a loner, but that don’t make him a killer.”

John Aviry Sr. also said Ed had a bad back and would not have been able to hide the bodies amidst the junk. “He was too old for that shit. Plus, from his books, I reckon he wasn’t doing much business the last few years. Who knows how often he even went out in the yard? If anyone was out there burying bodies, I’d have known. I was out there every day, all day. I swear, I wasn’t burying bodies or anything, though.”

Police say that they are still uncovering bodies throughout the 14-acre property, and the entire area has been designated a crime scene.

“At last count, we had found 11 bodies spread throughout the area, and we are, at this time, considering them all as homicide cases,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith of Westfield Police Department. “We have not publicly named any suspects, although at this time we are asking the Aviry family to not leave the area.”

Some new laws in California will make driving a lot less complicated for motorists, and will give police a needed break from excessive ticket writing.

According to reports, lawmakers in the state have decided to abolish speeding tickets, allowing travelers to drive on highways at whatever speed they feel comfortable, which will allow police to spend less time creating speed traps on highways, and more time working on and solving real crimes.

“Aside from speeding tickets, we have also moved away from parking violations, including metered parking, occupying a handicapped space without a permit, and so forth,” said Joe Goldsmith, a California state legislature member. “This will free up our police force to work on more pressing crimes, such as rape, homicide, and murder.”

Police say that they are “thrilled” that they will no longer have to worry about ticketing speeding motorists.

“Every time you pull a car over for speeding, you’re risking your life,” said police chief Jerry Hyman. “You don’t know if that drive has a gun, is a wanted felon – he could kill you at any time. Thankfully, no more pulling people over means no more risking my life unnecessarily. Those drivers who speed out of control will take care of the problem themselves – by dying in a fiery wreck.”

If you happen to be a speed demon behind the wheel, you are going to love the new speed limit being enforced all across the United States. If you happen to like to drive a bit slower when in your car, you may want to consider public transportation.

As of September 1st, all major and highways will be raising the speed limits to 120 miles per hour. The decision was made in hopes to remove traffic clutter and provide a safer drive for families all over the nation. Highway patrol officials feel this is the best decision for travelers, and feel the new speed behind the steering wheel will give drivers more confidence and less driving time.

Fines will be given out to those who choose to stick with the standard 65 or 70 mph, and drivers are urged to begin being cautious of slower, “older” drivers who can’t get the hell out of their own way.

“Once people get used to the new speed limit, I feel that accident rates should drop dramatically,” said veteran highway patrolman Rick Myers. “I see so many accidents on the highways by people going 45, 50mph, and getting in other people’s way. This way, everyone will be going so fast, there won’t be time for accidents.”

The speed limit will only be dropped down to a solid 80 MPH during major snowfalls, or other conditions that may cause the roads to be hazardous.

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street. A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

The World Automobile And Motor Corporation is requesting that all users of social media share and relay its message regarding a massive recall on all cars that run on unleaded gasoline. The announcement is the biggest product safety recall in history, as it has issued a statement warning that almost all models of cars are equipped with malfunctioning gas tanks, which could cause dangerous explosions if ignored.

WAMC spokesperson Yoshida Kakaruda said in a statement that the issue concerns a weakening rubber valve in the fuel delivery compartment of all gas tanks.

“Due to several fiery incidents, we at the World Automobile and Motor Corporation are issuing a recall on all makes and models of vehicles that run on unleaded gasoline,” Kakaruda said.

Just last week, a 2004 Toyota Camry owned by Abdul Muhammad, 32, of Waco, Texas exploded in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven, causing the death of Muhammad and a passenger, and causing extensive damage to the convenience store itself. Rahim Duhfur, 45, owner of the impacted 7-Eleven, said in a television interview that he feared for his life when the explosion occurred. “I believe Allah, he come for me, to take me home to, how you say, big palace in the sky. I feel fear of Allah when things go boom,” Duhfur commented.

Spokesperson Kakaruda made it a point to ask all users of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, to assist in relaying the urgent recall notice. “We ask all Americans to spread the word, and to share via social media and also all media outlets. There are millions of vehicles in use in North America alone. We request that all individuals who own a vehicle please call our safety and recall telephone number, (318) 947-9586. A representative will assist you, and let you know where your automobile can be taken for a free repair” Kakaruda said.

The provided number, (318) 947-9586, is the WAMC Safety and Recall Information hotline, and is based in the United States.

One of the most powerful women in show business has reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Oprah Winfrey – who just two years ago was worth an estimated $2.9 billion dollars – is now almost penniless, according to insiders.

“Poor financial decisions, poor political decisions, and now she’s just poor,” said Financial guru Max Manel. ”Her biggest downfall by far is her O Network. Ever since its conception, it’s been a giant money pit. Instead of just admitting failure and moving on, Oprah has been pouring millions more of her own money back in just to keep it on the air.”

“She also has made, multiple times, the poor decision of thinking she could be a political-backing powerhouse,” said analyst Connie Murphy. “Oprah has been wasting millions backing democrats on everything from small, local elections, to almost single-handedly funding both of Barack Obama’s campaigns.”

“She, like many people, really feels a need to be loved by everyone,” said Oprah’s close friend, Mary Williams. “Her self-esteem is horrible. All the expensive gifts she gave away on her talk show were just to get people to like her. Oprah buys people’s love with cash and presents. Until the O Network launched, and immediately bottomed out, she could afford to give out lavish gifts. But because of the complete failure of the network, plus the millions of dollars in cars, boats, trips, and every other ridiculous thing she gave away on TV, she’s just left broke.”

“It’s sad, so sad to watch,” said an anonymous intern at the O Network. “All she does is eat Bon-Bon’s and ice cream. Now that she’s broke, no one returns her phone calls. She watches E! News and sees Beyoncé and Jay-Z at parties with President Obama, and cries because she wasn’t invited, too. So, so sad.”