After He Ghosts, Dress Like You Never Left

Ghosting: it’s the American Horror Story of modern dating, inspiring terror in all of us. As Vogue.com columnist Karley Sciortino explained recently, it’s a phenomenon that has left legions of single people with no explanation as to why they are single. After all, that person you’ve been texting, calling, dating, and sleeping with for weeks, months—even years—has seemingly fallen off the planet, and all that’s left is a log of messages in your iCloud. With the dating culture consumed with swiping right and left to find a soul mate, “ghosting” has become the fallout of the digital age. We’re no longer trained how to cut it off IRL, but instead to simply disappear—as if the whole relationship were one long hallucination—and haunt exes forever.

Speaking of which, my route to work just this morning was interrupted by what you might call paranormal activity. Boarding my regular train, along my regular route, like it was any ol’ regular day, I looked up and found myself face to face with my ghost. After months of hearing not a peep out of him, there he sat, in the flesh. So he’s not dead, after all? I thought. As we caught eyes, I chuckled sardonically and said, “Nope!” before retreating to the neighboring car. Memories of his bad behavior came flooding back—the adoring texts that suddenly came to a screeching halt, never to be seen again. But before I could go down that rabbit hole, I stopped myself, and focused on what was most important: I looked great.

Because as we all know, these days the most effective way to ward off evil spirits of boyfriends past is with a well-appointed ensemble, something that will have him reconsider all of his life decisions. Now I know what you’re thinking: Why not just write an email that breaks down his egregious, fuccboi behavior point by point? But, let’s back up a bit—didn’t technology get us into this mess in the first place? Instead, let your outfit do the talking. Slip into the Enfants Riches Déprimés T-shirt that reads “He Never Called,” wear it with a pair of thigh-high Fausto Puglisi boots, and slink around that mutual friend’s birthday party you’re both attending. When your bestie drags you out of the house, post well-lit group pictures in your bright pink Double Trouble Gang “Girls Girls Girls” sweatshirt. He still lurks on your Instagram account, after all.

But if you still think there is some way of salvaging this relationship, try Vogue.com Market Editor Chelsea Zalopany’s approach: Text him a funny meme that addresses him not texting you back, while curled up in front of the TV in your marigold Kendall + Kylie tracksuit. It’s all very meta, and all very chic, to take on the “slow fade” in style. Trust me.

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Photo: (Clockwise from top left) Courtesy of luluandgeorgia.com; Courtesy of azramayya.com; Courtesy of Selfridges; Courtesy of shopbop.com; Courtesy of doubletroublegang.com; Courtesy of Luisa via Roma; Courtesy of H&M; Courtesy of Topshop