?s regarding attachment disorders.

My difficult child is 13 years old. I don't like her, I cannot summon up feelings for her at this point. I am sure they are there, I hope they are there. If someone said that I couldn't see her I'de probably be upset, see it shouldn't be probably. I should definately be upset. She can be so mean and ruin everything, She is only nice when she wants something, and then once she gets it, back to same stuff. I put this in the watercooler because it's more about me. My parents and siblings disowned me 20 years ago and I have not had contact with them. I have tried several times, but it really doesn't hurt or bother me that I don't see them. I don't miss them and have not cried because I don't see them. Do I have an attachment disorder? I like to be by myself a lot, I frequently will quit calling a friend for no reason, and then pick up the phone and say hey, what's been going on for like the last two years. My friends all know this about me and they know they might see me or hear from me real soon, or not for a very long time. But I am wondering what's up with me. Maybe it's depression, I just don't know, I medicated pretty well for that. Is this the Bi-polar? I am not depressed about anything else. I feel fine other than I feel like I could get by just fine without being around certain people. I can't and don't want to feel about my 13 year old this way. I don't want to be estranged from her but yet, I cannot stand to be around her either. I just can't take her abuse, and that seems to be the only thing that I am sure is going to happen when she is home. Her attitude, cursing, her mouth my goodness, it's terrible. She's so rude and cuts you off of everything you say. I wish I felt differently. Now my easy child is reading me all kinds of Bible Scriptures to try and help me. It's just making me mad. I am either not open to that right now and I want to take her to college today. I take her to college on the 3rd and I will be hating that I wrote that/thought that when I have to say goodbye to her on Friday. Ugh, is anyone else like this or am do I need to take a look at my medicines or am I just beyond all hope.

Let me ask you...do you have a diagnosis of bipolar and borderline? Because I notice in your signature that you are taking savella, prozac, trilepital, seroquel all together. Not that I am a doctor but this combo worries me if you are with the symptoms you are giving us.

I realize they say that savella helps with the fibro but its also in the antidep category. Then you are on a mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic to kick up the AD's I am supposing.

My theory here is you arent feeling anything because you cant...lol. Now that might feel an odd thing to say from someone who is on enough medications to stock their own pharmacy but I know what it feels like to feel over medicated.

Janet,
I do take the savella for fibromyalgia and I started on the prozac to help with premenstrual dysphoric disorder and to help with depresseion. I had the ablasion surgery so I don't have periods anymore, but also take it for a boost for depression. I take a really low dose, per psychiatric dr, of the seroquel, and since I have insomnia and bi-polar she told me that it would be a good fit for me. The trileptel is for my bi-polar. I have never been diagnosed with borderline. I have been taking these medications for about a year, year and 1/2, but this has been happening to me for twenty years. Last year in June I had a nervous breakdown of some kind, it was awful, I have slowly been coming out of it and have noticed that it has increased since then (these feelings) sometimes I think it's myself protecting myself from that again. If I get upset or too stressed out, I just shutdown and the pain from my fibromyaglia becomes unbearable. I just shut off now and just don't care, it is like my mind shuts down though, even if I try to make it be there I can't think about it very long. I used to be a list maker, drove my self nuts with it. My dr prescribed. Anafranil, older trycyclic anti-depressant. It sure did it's job, I couldn't make a list of three things to go to the grocery store. I stared making mistakes with my bills, because I wasn't making the list. Decided I would rather list than not list. It helped with the other obssessing though too.

Janet I wanted to add one thing too. One of the reasons I am worried about it is because my mom has issues with this. If she gets mad at you, she will never have anything to do with you again. She got mad at two of her sisters over trivial, trivial stuff and never spoke to them again, it's been over 20 years, she did it with me. The difference with me is that I am not angry about anything, and I really don't intend to just not talk to someone even though I could not talk to them and I wouldn't be emotional. What kind of friend is that. Yuck. I thought my mom just carried a grudge too far. She gets mad at her sister today for something that happened a long time ago. My mom is almost 70 and she'll supposedly bring up things that happened to them during grade school, I mean as in elementary school.

At this very moment, it's it difficult for me to say that there is anything wrong with you. I think your feelings of detachment are normal and HEALTHY. The reason I say this is because I just had an hour long conversation with a friend who came over to witch about her boyfriend. How stupid and illogical, and nasty and aggressive, and addicted he is. How he puts his looser brother's welfare over her children's. How he and the brother and their friend is living in her house, rent free, and not contributing financially. BUT otherwise he's PERFECT and she LOVES him! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Logically she knows what is right and what is wrong, and even how to fix it, but those &*(&*%^&% emotions keep holding her back.

How this relates to you? So, you're more of a logical cranial person as opposed to emotional. I really don't see anything wrong with that, and in fact, in many ways I think it can help you make healthier decisions. Your daughter is mean to you. Essentially she is abusing you. Are you saying you'd rather be an emotional wreck that wants her around you all the time even though she's abusive? I think feeling distant, or not feeling anything is a healthier way of surviving the situation. After all, she might be living with you for 5 more years.

Your relationships with your friends? If it works for both parties, then there is nothing wrong with it. I've got friends that I don't talk to, or interact with, like, ever, but when we do get together, it's like no time has passed at all. It's the nature of those particular relationships.

It's always a good idea to periodically asses your emotions and relationships. Sounds like this is what you are doing right now. If you do decide that you don't want it this way, and it's not working for you anymore, then you know what to do - get yeself into therapy and work it out. Otherwise, I don't see anything inherently wrong with your emotional responses or lack thereof.

Janet I wanted to add one thing too. One of the reasons I am worried about it is because my mom has issues with this. If she gets mad at you, she will never have anything to do with you again. She got mad at two of her sisters over trivial, trivial stuff and never spoke to them again, it's been over 20 years, she did it with me. The difference with me is that I am not angry about anything, and I really don't intend to just not talk to someone even though I could not talk to them and I wouldn't be emotional. What kind of friend is that. Yuck. I thought my mom just carried a grudge too far. She gets mad at her sister today for something that happened a long time ago. My mom is almost 70 and she'll supposedly bring up things that happened to them during grade school, I mean as in elementary school.

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But you're not angry about anything. You're not carrying grudges. Do you try to repair relationships, or do you do what your mother does?

Part of your feeling disconnected could also be you trying to NOT end up like your mom. If you are not emotionally vested, then it's not possible to get angry enough to cut off all contact = relationships salvaged.

I dont know keista...I think there is something more to this. I can almost feel what she is saying but maybe that is because of my own issues...lol. I tend to be more of a loner myself. I have to push myself to have contact with anyone. Its almost like I have to schedule contact. I dont think that is normal for people. I was also on a very low dose of seroquel for insomnia for sleep for probably close to 2 years and had to come off of it due to the fact that it caused my cholesterol to skyrocket.

Maybe talk to your psychiatrist about this. It could be called depersonalization. Might wanna try a change in medications and that may make a world of difference. Not that I am the happiest person in the world but Im better than I have been.

Therapy doesn't necessarily help - at least, it had no impact on that "detached" feeling, for me. Huge help for other things - depression, anxiety, etc. - so its not like I don't support "therapy" as an option.

But - I know what you mean.
So much of friendship depends on maintaining an artificial connection - and I just don't have the time or the energy to do that.
Because there never really was a strong attachment to family, the situation there is even worse... maintain distance to avoid hurt.
When times get really tough because of difficult child, then husband has to get me re-attached to OUR family, or I "get lost" in my own world.

My last therapist said that I probably won't get past it for as long as my parents are alive... only when the danger of hurt has past will I feel free to explore non-nuclear-family relationships.

But... having connected a little with people on this board, there are days when i wonder if half the problem is just that I never end up finding the right people HERE to connect with - nobody understands when your life shuts down at 6:30 p.m., or you can't afford to go out for ice cream or coffee every week. It might be three weeks before I can get back to you... and you're wanting to talk about your daughter's stagette right now.

Janet, I do hear you and understand what you mean, because I've also been there/am still there sometimes. Partly I think it's because of what Insane said about not finding ppl 'HERE' to connect with. In other words, "friends you can touch". They either don't get the struggles, or aren't 'worthy' of our energy. The other part is depression, and the other part is a person's general personality and coping mechanisms.

Having thought some more on the topic, I think the term we're looking for is APATHY - a general feeling of "I just don't care". It is a symptom of depression. And if it gets bad enough, a medication tweak is in order. But, 'bad enough' is very subjective.

That, of course, being the problem with psychiatrists.
I've been fighting for medications for years... but "its not bad enough". So... your exhaust pipe is leaking, but your muffler hasn't fallen off - so it isn't "bad enough" to fix your exhaust system? Taking that approach, you're putting lives in danger. No different with so-called "mild" depression.
Just because I'm really good with cognitive recognition and self-management doesn't mean I don't need medications... in fact, I probably need them more than the person who won't do that stuff. I just can't "crack the ceiling" - so I'm "fogged in" all the time.

I think your detachment from your difficult child is HEALTHY. I have the same detachment from Kanga. Honestly, I could never see or speak to her again and I'd be fine. I haven't seen or spoken to biodad in over 15 years. One of my half-sisters called last summer a few times but then stopped. I hadn't seen her since she was 7. I liked hearing from her and would have been willing to keep up the contact but she was hiding it from her parents and I think she either got caught or just decided that she got what she needed from our chats.

But if I lost my mom, my stepdad, my husband, my other 3, I'd be a basket case.

As long as you have some relationships that you are attached to, I think that not being attached to someone who only wants to use/abuse you is healthy.

(I'd listen to Janet about the medications; I have no input on that area.)

I can relate a little bit. I can walk away from somebody (and have) and never look back. This was actually much more common when I was younger. However, I always have had very strong feelings, good and bad, about my family. No apathy there. I am also a loner and have self-diagnosed myself with borderline. My therapist of over ten years says "traits only" because I have had long term relationships. However, basically I am a loner too.

For me, sometimes I feel nothing when I'm supposed to feel something. When my dear grandmother passed away, I was 37 years old and we had always been extremely close. I could not get myself to feel sad or to greive. It was the weirdest. I miss her to this day, but never grieved for her and never felt the amount of pain at losing her that I should have felt. I just decided I'm a little quirky about certain things and I accept myself, including my sometimes inappropriate apathy toward serious events. Many people have let me down in my life...I am 80% better than I used to be in every way...but sometimes, maybe because I'd been let down by those who should have cared for me the most, I can't muster up the emotion others do.