Mourning gets personal with T-shirts, car decals, MySpace

Writing poems helps Kaylon Williams, 13, cope with the loss of her brother, Chris Wilson, who died last year at age 16. Kaylon posts her poems on MySpace. Tending Chris' old MySpace page has become a family hobby.

Mark Weber/The Commercial Appeal

Many people attending a memorial service for the seven members of the Poole family wore T-shirts bearing photographs of those who died in the Aug.16 blaze at 862 Baltimore.

Nikki Boertman/The Commercial Appeal

Chris Wilson (hugging Kaylon Williams as his other little sister Kirsten Barnes looks on) was a protector for the girls, the two sisters said.

But when Kaylon Williams saw her brother's hands on Feb. 25, 2007, they were blue, nearly lifeless.

Despite urging from family, she wouldn't touch them. Despite the unstated understanding that 16-year-old Christopher Wilson would soon be pulled from life support and rolled away, Kaylon would not hold his hand.

She has been reaching out for her big brother ever since.

"Every time I get sad, I sit down and write a poem," said the soft-spoken 13-year-old.

Kaylon doesn't tuck away her writings in a diary like teens might have in the past. Instead, she posts them on her MySpace page.

In a generation for whom everything is visual and digital, even grief is in vivid color.

Funeral attire used to be all-black ensembles and hats with lace veils. Today, it's increasingly common to see "Rest in Peace" T-shirts, which bear the image of the deceased, and matching baseball caps.

The family hearse may be followed by a line of cars with semipermanent windshield decals that read "In Loving Memory of ..."

And young mourners sign guest books on

social networking sites, instead of at chapels.

When young people die, their Web pages often become cyberspace tributes overnight. Such memorials present a quandary for executives at one of the largest Internet companies.

"Given the sensitive nature of deceased member profiles, MySpace handles each incident on a case-by-case basis when notified and will work with families to respect their wishes," said spokeswoman Jamie Schumacher.

Schumacher added that if a family wants to delete a deceased user's profile, the company will oblige. However, many families opt to keep the pages active.

"We often hear from families that a user's profile is a way for friends to celebrate the person's life, giving friends a positive outlet to connect with one another and find comfort during the grieving process," said Schumacher.

Chris Wilson's mom, Angelica Benson, and sisters Kirsten Barnes, 14, and Kaylon left his page up as a way for friends to pay their respects to the teen who was killed by an alleged drunken driver. The case is still in court.

During the difficult proceedings, the notes from friends on Chris' MySpace memorial are like cosmic nudges that encourage the family to press on.

Since the death of the former Melrose High School football player, more than 350 entries have been added to his guest book.

"The ones that send comments and stuff, they send comments to Chris like they're talking to him," said Benson, who maintains the page.

"It's comforting to see, the people around him and the people that he's touched, that they haven't forgotten him."

At his funeral, the football team wore their letter jackets in tribute. And Chris, who would have graduated this school year, will be honored by the class of 2009.

It has been a tough couple of years for Melrose seniors. Eight days ago, they buried another classmate, 18-year-old Deon Poole, who died in a house fire while trying to save relatives.

Losing a classmate or friend can be just as traumatic as losing a family member, said local school psychologist Dr. Karen Streeter. She encourages parents to allow children to find their own way to grieve.

"(Teens) don't really get into the funeral. What the adults are doing is not enough. They want their own personal expression," said Streeter.

"They've taken grief into the technical world, because that's their world. That's the way they communicate. I think it's an excellent thing."

Streeter also recommends collages, murals and video tributes, in which loved ones record their favorite memories as outlets for mourning. And if a teen or young adult wants to buy a car decal or tribute T-shirt, the family should embrace that decision, she said.

Memphian Michelle Stewart said that her husband, Laze, never asked her to remove a car decal that honors a deceased friend. It has been on the rearview window of her white Civic since before they married.

Stewart added Tedrick Sowell's name, birth date and death date to her car after his death in 2002. Sowell died of heart failure while stationed with Stewart at Patrick Air Force Base in Cocoa Beach, Fla. Several base residents got the decals collectively to remember the airman.

"We never felt like he got enough attention from the military or in the press," said Stewart, 27. "I'm crying now. I relive the sorrow each time I talk about it."

Decals like Stewart's cost about $30 and can be made in less than 24 hours. The "Rest in Peace" T-shirts that have become popular at funerals cost about $15, and most print shops can turn them around in three days.

Advances in technology are making memorial products a growing industry, said graphic artist Carlos McClinton. As a middle-schooler, McClinton gained prestige for airbrushing T-shirts with the images of deceased classmates. Now 28 and owner of Artigraphs Design Group, he creates T-shirts, decals and electronic banners to show honor, not just to make money, he said.

"When someone is grieving or dealing with a loss, there is no amount of money that can compensate me," he said. "It's just about keeping that person's name alive."

He knows the pain of losing friends and young relatives. He estimates that he has lost 50 peers over the last 15 years. In many ways, his art is his therapy. And with his golden brown hands, he sketches and designs lasting tributes for those gone too soon.

-- Cathryn Stout: 529-2320

Helping youngsters Grieve

Psychologist Dr. Karen Streeter explains the steps that parents should follow to help their children through the grieving process.

Be honest: Dispel any myths by truthfully explaining the cause of death.

Discuss afterlife: Emphasize what your family and faith believe happens to people when they die.

Ease fears: Reassure your child of his or her safety. This is critical if the loved one died violently or suddenly.

Invite questions: Ask your child if he or she has concerns. If he or she doesn't, welcome him or her to ask later.

Encourage expression: Work with your child on positive ways to express grief. For example, suggest that he or she draw a picture of his or her last memory with the deceased, make a Christmas tree ornament, create handmade sympathy cards for the family or organize a peace rally or vigil.