Send me email updates about messages I've received
on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.By signing up, you certify that
you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

I'm hoping he'll put me into some time of assisted living facility and help take care of my finances. Also that he'll make sure I'm well taken care of physically and mentally and that he'll still want to spend some time with me.

I expect my son to either have me living with him and he/his family taking care of me. Or for him to provide the means for someone else to take care of me, either in a "home" if need be or a live in care giver/companion. It is the norm for us based on religion/culture for the eldest son to care for parents when they become old &/or infirmed. If my husband and I did not live in the States, we would be living with his parents in India caring for them since he is the eldest son. Since we live here, and they are in India, the middle son as taken on that duty, however we do provide financial support for them as well. My brother will care for my mother when she can no longer care for herself and we will contribute financially there as well.

For us, this is the norm and what is expected. I know that it is not the "norm" for most.

I do not want to live with my children, i want them to move me someplace nice that will take care of me and just come visit. my mother has already told me do not move her into my home, she wants to go to assisted living and we can visit.

I don't expect them to take care of me, although I hope they do. I also hope they have learned from how I took care of my parents when they were sick. I think children learn by example... They know I was there for my Mom and Dad when they needed me most..

My parents are still young (in their 60s) and my husband and I both agree that if they needed full time care, we would want them to live with us - it's the tradition my family has always had. DH's parents are a bit older and both have stressed that they would never want to be taken care of by family. They would rather be placed in a facility. Although that makes me sad, I would absolutely respect their wishes.

In my old age, I would be delighted if either of my boys offered for me to live with them. Depending upon the circumstances, I would likely do so. However, if the offer never came, I would not be angry or upset. I don't expect them to do it, but it would make me happy if they did.

frogdawg - why do you insist that those types of issues are "normal"? This may be typical for the types of people you saw while working in hospice, but it hasn't been the experience I have had with older members of my own family. Sure, you have seen families torn apart by these types of decisions, but you haven't had the chance to witness families who handled end of life issues successfully because they would not have been utilizing your services. Not everyone who dies has dementia, violent episodes, or the like. My extended family has needed to have full-time care in a facility for only one of my relations. All of the others were able to live out their days at home, with family caring for them and none of the caretakers died early and no one was stabbed. I'm not saying it never happens, but how did you determine that "most people are not able to continue care for their ill and aging parents"?

It's pretty standard, well for those of us who are "older" it's the standard (remember my husband and I are both almost 50). The sons (and their families) live with the son's parents and care for them. Daughters usually move in with their in-laws once they are married because caring for the in-laws becomes their responsibility along with their husband. Man that sounds confusing when I look back over it.. LOL.. However, that is pretty much the "old school" (lol) way of doing things in India. Son and his family live with the son's parents especially if he is the eldest or only son.

Most every Indian American and NRI (non resident Indian) that I know here in the states, still carries on the custom. I've noticed that most Indian-Americans and NRI's do really stick to quite a few of the old customs. I know that is the case with both my family and my husbands and the majority of our friends who are Indian/of Indian descent.

My husband is a 1st gen American and I am a 3rd gen American, so in some ways our families are still rooted in some old customs and ways. Indians are a quirky bunch (LOL) very modern in some ways, especially when it comes to technology, however they still hang on to many old school ways. I mean, look at India itself, Look at Mumbai. A very modern city, a bustling economy, full of "modern" lifestyle. Yet, customs and celebrations thousands of years old are still celebrated/carried on to this day. I think those who come to the states still carry some of that mindset with them.