Week three of ITV’s live Saturday night spectaculars… and the clichés just keep on coming. Thick and fast.

Sporting his dazzling dyed-hair grandad look, Louis Walsh is seeing likeability all over the place. But he worries that the wannabes might struggle to make that song their own.

Just ahead of her tear-jerking confessional on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories, Gamu’s ­assassin Cheryl Cole announces that poor-quality warbler Chav Lloyd looks like a

pop star.

Ringmaster Simon ­Cowell still really, really likes his remaining boy group One Direction. Who – despite being useless – are the runaway favourites to win.

And desperate Dannii Minogue is doubtless ­preparing to wheel out her Sunday best results show special: “Based purely on tonight’s performance...”

As opposed to ­Louis... who bases his exit votes on “the ability to grow”.

Surely, the four judges of the apocalypse should be working

to the same criteria?

Oh well... life’s a pantomime. And so’s The X Factor. Same every year, same Lego language, same unstoppable success ­story. How does the Dark Lord stand this endless repetition? All for a measly ­45 ­million quid a year?

But back on the latest ludicrously long two-and-a-half hour marathon, there are questions to be asked.

If Mr Cowell genuinely thinks One Direction are “the most exciting pop band in the country” does he need to get out a bit more?

When Louis unoriginally told Cher “you’re like a mini Cheryl” did he mean that she can’t sing either?

As she cuddles her love interest Wagner, does Tesco Mary “embrace the madness”?

And is Katie ­Waissel the most hated ­contestant because she pretended to sleep with painter and decorator Matt Cardle... or because of her tuneless ­screeching?

Anyway, at least 87-year-old reject Storm Lee checked out with that old ­favourite: “You haven’t seen the last of me.” Storm mate... we have. Trust me.

Never before has Simon’s circus been less about ­talent... and more about an incredibly slick television production that has reduced its ­defeated rival Strictly Come ­Dancing to an also-ran.

While BBC ­bosses boast of their alleged best-ever line-up and cling to the delusion that ballroom battle-axe Ann ­Widdecombe is the nation’s sweetheart, The X Factor is so far ahead in the ratings war it’s embarrassing.

And the Alan Sugar ­English ­language award goes to... clueless Alesha Dixon for telling class swot Matt Baker: “You looked like you was trying to keep up. And you was a little bit serious at times.”