New Nurse Retires After First 12-Hour Shift

OCEANSIDE, CA – New graduate Betty Jones has decided to retire after her first and only twelve-hour shift of floor nursing. Said Betty Jones, “I’ve never felt so burnt out in my whole life. Nursing is a complete and utter nightmare.” Twelve hours were clearly more than enough work for Betty Jones.

During Betty Jones’s first long and only shift, she experienced demanding patients, hostile family members and disrespectful residents. Her pager never stopped ringing and the monitors alarmed incessantly, forcing Betty to seek refuge in the nearest stairwell. “I just needed the beeping to stop for five minutes,” she cried. At one point there was blood all over her from an IV stick gone awry. And the vomit from the nauseous patient in Room 6 was the icing on the cake.

Betty felt inadequate and ill equipped to continue further because nobody had really prepared her for such stress. “They teach you in nursing school that time management is important,” she said. “But they should really be training you for armed combat.”

Betty Jones had no practice holding her urine for 12 hours so she accidentally peed her scrubs causing embarrassment and sheer humiliation. This, she recalls, was her breaking point.

Betty sought the help of her preceptor, but Maria was cold and judgmental and offered no valuable insight. In fact, Maria further humiliated Betty Jones in the middle of the nursing station by loudly shaming her for what she didn’t know. Betty Jones astutely concluded that this is what was meant by “Nurses eat their young.”

Unable to take it anymore, Betty Jones called her therapist from the supply closet. Even the reputable therapist had never heard of such a terrible job. He had absolutely no advice to offer. “I suggest you quit right away,” said Dr. Bob Steeles of Stress Management Clinic.

Always the diplomat, Betty Jones called her manager the next day. She reiterated what a great learning experience the job was but it was now time to retire.

As of press time, Betty Jones was begging her parents for a little petty cash.