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Death from Above

November 17, 2007 — artaban7

It’s always good to know environmentalists are thinking up new and delicious ways to avert global warming, while simultaneously killing us all. Take, for example, this idea to beam solar power down from satellites in the form of microwaves.

Some are worried the Pentagon may use the satellites to bake people, given the military’s already developed this little contraption:

It’s a microwave emitter, affectionately referred to as “the pain gun”. Envisioned as a non-lethal means of ending riots and dispersing crowds, the Army may be using it in Iraq. It’s got a few kinks though, as the invisible pain-rays heat up loose change, metal implants, and cook contact lenses (yeesh!).

When I win the lottery tonight, I’m going to buy one, and use it to start riots. So if you hear a large group of people screaming, and see me herding them to-and-fro while cackling madly, find some serious cover…and call me on my cell. But I digress.

I think space microwaves are bad. We know what happens when you nuke foil. Some poor fool will eventually fly an aluminum-sheathed plane into restricted airspace, and ionize the whole atmosphere. It’ll be fascinating to observe, for the few minutes we’ll have to kiss our asses goodbye.

But if the eco-freak/military fringe doesn’t cook us, al-Jazeera will, with the help of inventor John Kanzius. This happy bastard found a way to use radio waves to light saltwater on fire. Just remember to lube up with a flame retardant gel if you hit the beach. It’s just a matter of time before Jazeera sets the oceans aflame. Here’s some video of the freakishly fiery saltwater: