So we went out, and because he does all that stuff for me, I just put on my jacket and didn’t wear a bra. I usually wear one out, even if I never set foot outside the car, but lately I’ve just been too lazy to bother with it. So this time, we pull into the driveway (it’s night and fully dark) and he starts trying to reach under my shirt! I slapped his hands away and generally looked unamused, but he persisted, and since he’s the Dom, he got his way. He teased my nipples and rubbed them- I was trying not to react at all, but then he pinched one until I broke down and squirmed away. He snickered and mocked me for a bit, then we went inside, out of the bitter cold. Man, it’s cold here. I’d love to go visit my in-laws for a month or two!

Sunday is my day off, so nothing really to report on that front. Just wanted to share the joy of getting fondled!

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3680Freedom through captivityhttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=366
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=366#commentsSun, 08 Jan 2012 02:22:21 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=366]]>It’s true, there’s a freedom I’ve been experiencing as we’ve begun to explore this deeper power exchange. My Sir has, as well. I can feel the difference from him, just as he can from me. He’s spoken about it very eloquently, but I figured I’d offer my own viewpoint, too. It turns me on, just writing about it. It is bliss.

I am not a patient, passive person. I want what I want, and in most cases I don’t like being told no. When you think of an ideal submissive person, I’m almost the polar opposite of what ought to spring to mind. My dynamic with Sir holds a great deal of struggle, sass, and humor. There’s never been a great deal of grace in my submission. So this new path is exciting, in that I get to explore a new mindset. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a position to really explore it, and I am so happy to think of being pleasing to my Sir in this way. It is actually allowing me to look at myself and my submission in a new way! Consequently, it’s also allowing me to view his dominance in a new way.

Despite my snarky FAQ list for various fetlife groups, a lot of my new attitude has been informed by the input from fetlife. I feel more confident that my relationship doesn’t have to look like anything to anyone else, so long as Sir and I are happy. I have quirks and traits that are unique to me, but those things don’t make me flawed. Not looking at myself as someone who is inherently flawed is something I’ve been actively trying to work on for over a year now, and it’s finally starting to sink in. I don’t think the timing is coincidental, so there’s another freedom afforded to me by our dynamic.

I’m trying not to worry that I’ll fail. I know on some level that he won’t let me fail; that we’ll adjust according to our needs. It’s hard to fully embrace that line of thinking because I feel like I should be able to accomplish what has been laid out easily. That being said, I know I still have a lot of things to conquer. The one message I probably haven’t conveyed enough to my Sir is how much I need this experience to build me up, so that I can do all the things that need to get done. He probably knows this instinctively, though, as he’s a pro, like that.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3660Mehhttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=364
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=364#commentsSat, 07 Jan 2012 10:14:33 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=364]]>Well, the first week hasn’t gone so well for me. I’m sick, and haven’t kept up with my chores at all! Not a promising beginning, eh? It’s so frustrating. With my Sir’s help, though, I will get back on track. I know he’s got my back, and that’s pretty powerful stuff, right there.

One thing in the contract we have states that I’ll be posting a few of my fantasies-of-the-week on my blog. This is basically summing up things that are frequently short-term fantasies, and they don’t always reflect anything that I would like to have happen. My mind goes in odd places sometimes.

So, lately, I’ve been fantasizing about being a Dominatrix. Specifically, an online-type. I’d probably stick to being a keyholder, and I don’t want any sort of in-person meetings taking place, but I’ve been daydreaming about a harem of men worshiping me. Weird, right?

Also, I have a lot of trouble with anal sex, so I’ve been thinking about it a LOT. It’s one of those things that I’m afraid of, but that’s part of the turn-on. The problem is that it really hurts, and Sir isn’t a sadist to that degree. He likes it when I get off on pain, not when it hurts me; that turns him off.

I’ve also been keyed in on how we are changing and evolving, and the added charge I get out of it. Even non-sexual things give me a thrill. I love when he reminds me of one of the new rules, or to call him Sir, or just him ordering for me. Yum! I only got the right to touch myself back yesterday, so the days between that were difficult for me. At one point, I strongly considered flat out disobeying, but am proud to report that I didn’t follow through with that thought.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3640Dedicatedhttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=362
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=362#commentsWed, 04 Jan 2012 02:17:15 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=362]]>I’m really dedicated to inhabiting the spirit of the contract. I think my Sir has been surprised at how much I have embraced it and actively sought to fulfill my part in it. I suspect that says something bad about me, but I’m not going to stress over it. All I can do is continue to give it my all.

So, one of the expectations my Sir has for me is that I be willingly available to him. This can be difficult, for reasons I’m not going to cover in this entry. I just have trouble setting myself aside if I’m not in the right headspace. This part of the contract really challenges that, so I knew it would take a lot of effort on my part to comply. Last night/early this morning, my compliance was put to the test.

My Sir was getting ready to sleep, and I hurriedly asked him if I could remove the collar (in preparation for my own sleep), and there was a long pause. He instructed me to remove my shirt and come to him. As he admired the way the collar looked on my bare skin, he rested his chin on my cleavage. The scruff on his face from not shaving felt rough against my skin, but it was a nice contrast. I obligingly lifted my breasts and pushed them more firmly around his face, and he made an appreciative noise in his throat. Then he reached up and removed the collar.

I tried to step away, but Sir pulled me back possessively. He told me that I had made him hard, so he wasn’t tired anymore. I protested, given the hour, and then admitted that I wasn’t feeling well. He reluctantly let me go, and muttered something about how he should make me come over there and jerk him off; it was the least I could do for getting him all hot and bothered. I froze, instantly trying to gauge his seriousness and how I felt about it and what I thought I should do, at that point. If he pushed the issue, could I do it? I reminded myself of my commitment to make 2012 a year of ‘yes’ rather than ‘no,’ took a deep breath and waited to see what he’d do.

He apparently took my stance as being a challenge, as though I didn’t think he’d do it. So he beckoned me over and what began as me jerking him off became a blowjob. Actually, it sort of alternated between the two. He asked if it turned me on that he was making me do this, even though I didn’t really want to. Yes. He asked me if I knew why he was doing this. Because you own me. And then he asked the crucial question; he asked me what I am. A slut. It came from my lips easily, nearly immediately. I knew he would push the question, because I knew what he wanted me to say. He asked what else I am, and I shook my head.

I couldn’t make myself say what I knew he wanted to hear. He gave me the benefit of the doubt, asking a couple of leading questions, and I tried to make myself disappear. This is the kind of humiliation I love. It really is humiliating. I don’t resist just for the fight, I resist because it is genuinely uncomfortable for me to say. It sticks in my throat… it is not flattering. I don’t like the words. I feel a bit of anger that he would tell me to speak of myself this way. It is real. And he knows it. He got smug when he realized that I knew what he wanted me to say and I was specifically avoiding it.

He also got annoyed, and he let that show. He told me he expected me to answer him, and that I was in trouble already- did I want to make it worse? I found my tongue, reminding myself that we were in a new phase, and made myself say it. I’m your cum bucket. He made me repeat it a few times, then announced that I wasn’t allowed to touch myself. This is a fairly uncommon occurrence, and I felt humiliated all over again. It was delicious and terrible, all at the same time.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3622Happy New Year!http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=358
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=358#commentsTue, 03 Jan 2012 03:19:39 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=358]]>We finally finished polishing up our contract, which you can see over at Duality of Pain, and it went into effect yesterday. I’m back to tasks and string, this time with my collar around my neck- hooray! It also means that I’ll be putting the “Daily” back into this blog. More hooray! It’ll be nice to get back to putting my thoughts to e-paper. Except for those times that the blank page stares me in the face and dares me to write anything in its wake. Kind of like what’s happening right now.

I do fully intend to update the FAQ from my previous post with more snark, but not just yet. For now, I’ll just express that when my Sir put my collar on me as the new year was born, it was the best feeling ever. Seriously. In his entry today, he mentions that I’m less reserved than I was prior to the collaring- less burdened by niceties; less inhibited, so to speak. I’m going to attempt to explain why that is, at least from my perspective.

Some of it is, as he speculated, a sense of freedom in being possessed. It stems directly from that line of thinking, in fact. Part of my rules express that I will be obedient and willingly available to him… and if I hold back any part of myself, I feel like I’m violating both of those things. I know what he likes and expects now; I’ve committed to his pleasure, now I just have to follow through.

There will be less ‘no’ from me, and more ‘yes.’ Well, ‘Yes, Sir,’ anyway. More than probably ever before, in fact. I’m really looking forward to where we go from here. If you’ve read the contract, you know it’s nothing overly complex, but it’s still a big step. We are going to be vigilant about what does and does not work and correct anything that doesn’t work. It’s already happened once… only 2 days in!

He mentioned resolutions on NYE, and I announced that I wasn’t making any, since that’s the best way to guarantee that whatever it is, it will never get done, but I guess there are a few I’ve been keeping in mind: Continue my progress toward mental health, maintain some of my personal relationships, go back to the meditation group, read more books, get enrolled in school. Those are some of the big ones, but they’re far from all.

I am looking forward to 2012.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3580FAQhttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=354
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=354#commentsSat, 03 Dec 2011 10:20:03 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=354]]>It’s officially December and I need to get this thing back on track. I’ve been crazy-busy, as well as just plain crazy… no surprise, I’m sure. So, there’s no time like the present to get started on my new entry. This one will begin to sum up my Adventures in Fetlife. It’s called FAQ because I think one of the groups I’ve joined really needs it. I’m not naming the group, either.

Q: How do I ask/tell my D-type …?

A: See what you did in that post up there? That part that I’ve filled in with ‘…’? Say all that in his (or her) presence, at an appropriate time and place. Form the words in your language of choice (Ideally this will be one you are both fluent in), and birth them from betwixt your lips. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy; communication!

Q: What can I do to make my Dom… punish me when I misbehave instead of being lazy and not even noticing? (Similar themes include: be more controlling, be meaner, be more understanding, etc.)

A: You can’t. Communicate (see above) your wishes and needs in clear terms, and if your actual needs don’t get met, move on. It’s one thing if the D-type needs some prompting (newish, uncomfortable, or whatever the reason may be), or there’s a specific dynamic of sass (note to my readers: I hate the term SAM- Smart-Ass Masochist, so I don’t use it), but it’s kinda not the D-type’s job to change to suit your whims.

Q: Is being a submissive/slave exclusively in the bedroom inferior to 24/7? (Or, “Is being a submissive inferior to being a slave?”)

A: Nope, not at all. It’s a different dynamic, that’s all. That’s what the majority of your answers will look like, because it’s the truth. At least 60% of those people do not believe a word of it, but it’s the PC answer. They’re sort of like identical triplets. They may all be wrapped in the same trappings, but who they are and how they function within the world are exceedingly different. This leads to the next question…

Q: What is the difference between a submissive and a slave?

A: There is no universally agreed-upon definition to either term. I’ll go ahead right now and tell you what I believe the difference is, though. (Not as part of the FAQ, just usually that’s how the threads go.)

Q: My adult friend is in a D/s relationship and it’s clearly not healthy! Here’s why: XYZ. I’ve told her and told her that she deserves better, but she says she loves him and is happy! How do I make her leave him? Should I call the police and leave a tip about him?

A: Your friend is a consenting adult. Unless he is literally keeping her against her will, there is absolutely nothing you can (or, in my opinion, should) do to make her leave him. If you have knowledge and/or evidence that she is being held against her will, you should notify the authorities immediately. Be her friend, not her mother. If what he’s doing is unhealthy, she will need support more than judgement to get herself out.

To be continued…

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3541Subdrophttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=350
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=350#commentsThu, 03 Nov 2011 03:04:07 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=350]]>I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but I’m not always a warm puddle of goo after we play hard. This is very hard on my Sir, and I’ve spent a lot of time either pretending to be better off than I am or avoiding anything that might leave me with that level of emotional drop. I don’t want to do that anymore, though. I like playing hard. I like getting carried away. And I think I’m at a point where we can explore that again.

The hard part is knowing what might be damaging and what is only temporary. Because of my mental state and depression in particular, we’ve always been extra careful. My Sir adores me and worries about my mental well-being. This is a trait I very much appreciate in him, and would never want to change. So how would we go about navigating this? The first rule of relationships is don’t talk about…. wait, that’s wrong. It’s to communicate. So, this is me communicating.

See, we played rough a few days ago and it ended with me in tears, and my Sir felt horrible. When I reassured him that I was okay and he hadn’t done anything that I didn’t want, his first response was to be wary. Because he’s so protective, he figured that if my state isn’t relaxed and glowing by the end that one of us has fucked up. But I’ve been paying close attention, and that’s not the case lately. It’s just that sometimes when we do that sort of thing, it satisfies me in a different way. It does leave me needing a lot of emotional care, but not emotionally damaged.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? If I am understanding correctly, it sounds like subdrop, which seems to be a natural part of playing. I’ve been trying to write this entry for days now and coming up blank, so I thought I would ask people. I want to reassure him that what I go through is normal, but only if it is.

EDIT: It’s been brought to my attention that this post isn’t very descriptive as to what I’m experiencing. Our last bit of hard play left me feeling overstimulated, in tears, drained, emotional and clingy. He thought I should have safeworded, but I told him afterwards that it was exactly what I needed. Which is true, I’ve just got no idea how to explain that more fully.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3503Strangest Rule?http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=345
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=345#commentsWed, 26 Oct 2011 05:30:19 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=345]]>This entry is inspired by a thread I found on fetlife. What’s the strangest rule you’ve ever had imposed on you?

The only one I can really think of is that I cannot dye my hair red. My Sir has had bad luck with redheads, which is a shame. I think redheads are teh sex. Otherwise, most of my rules make sense and aren’t that eccentric. Also, I suspect that I would be allowed to dye my hair red if I really, really, really wanted to. My Sir just loves me that much!

Others have commented that they’re not allowed to listen to certain types of music (that shit would not fly here), cut their hair (not too strange), or they simply have strange caveats, like always having a certain kind of soup in the pantry. Still, even though I think the first one is completely barbaric, none of them seem really strange. I guess I’ve probably expanded my definition of “strange” since getting involved in kink, though.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3454I Lost Track of Time…http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=339
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=339#commentsSun, 23 Oct 2011 02:41:22 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=339]]>I met with some local submissive ladies yesterday at one woman’s home. I’m proud of myself for attending, and I would have sincerely missed out if I had not gone, but… it didn’t go so well for me. I wasn’t prepared. It is my own fault, too.

See, I had an anxiety attack. I couldn’t figure out how to politely excuse myself, and so I sat in my chair and laughed and watched and listened. It sounds stupid, I know. But I just couldn’t do it. Time stretched out. What began as two or three hours nearly doubled. There’s a party tonight, and everyone was excited. There were costumes to be planned, and people to get into trouble, and then there were Doms in the mix.

Two girls ended up half-naked, demonstrating how to crawl seductively across the floor. For all that I am open-minded and in touch with my sexuality, I’ve never been involved with any sort of public play. I could not take my eyes off of them. It was good natured and organic, but it also…. Well, I was overstimulated. Uh, not sexually speaking. Sensory overload, one might say. I was overloaded before they got naked.

Then, when I realized how late it was… and then I felt guilty. Hell, I feel jumpy today. I should have taken something to calm down before I went. I knew I was already on thin ice, but once I got into this social setting (regardless of the context!) it should have been apparent to me that I would need a boost.

It’s hard for me to even put into words. I’ve been trying all day, and this is the best I can do.

]]>http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?feed=rss2&p=3390Know Yourselfhttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=337
http://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=337#commentsFri, 21 Oct 2011 22:29:56 +0000graciehttp://hisgrace.soulfully-spoken.com/?p=337]]>I recently attended a munch, and in the course of discussion, a question was asked that really made me think. I won’t quote the question, but I’ve had this topic rolling around in my head ever since. I think the most important thing a person getting involved in This Sort of Thing should do is know themselves.

Obviously, it’s important to know the things you want. Obviously, you should know your limits. These are very basic things that we all learn about very early on. That’s not what I’m talking about. You need to know what you bring to the table. Why should a person pick you to play (scene, whatever you want) with?

There can be many, many, many answers to this. I can’t stress this enough. This is not meant to insult a person. It’s meant to make you think about it. You should have at least one answer. Especially if you don’t have a partner right now, knowing your own strengths is just important. This applies to any role you want to take. If you don’t know why somebody should want to be in a relationship with you, how the heck are they going to know?

This may make a person feel vain, like they shouldn’t focus on bragging or whatever. That is a load of pants. Dirty pants. Pants full of bollocks. You need to know yourself. Know what drives you, and what works for you. Know what you do best. We focus too much on things we can’t do- our weaknesses, and our boundaries. Take a moment to look at what you can do. Know what it is that sets you apart. It is there, you just have to find it.