2005-06-09

Retro, Not Metro

From AFP comes the latest on the continuing sissification of men. Of course, it should be noted that this is happening in (where else?) France. The whirring sound you hear is John Wayne spinning in his grave.

For the rest of us, however, it's high time to unite and tell the rest of humanity: "We're hetero; we're retro - so DEAL WITH IT!"

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butts, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!". It's time for a new offensive in the culture wars: the Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones who fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in in your home, or a natural disaster -- you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps, if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing With It" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little sissy, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is only allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as addiction to alcohol or other drugs, death of your entire family in a freak tree-chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear; guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), or loss of a major body part.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman -- heck, any woman -- gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge of Allegiance properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star-Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship -- i.e., hunting, boxing, shot-putting, shooting, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darned well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any woman but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lts). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer, but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word, even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things, we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

A very well done expression of the real side of what men are and should be. I am gald to find out there are other men out there who believe the lessons taught to them by their fathers and grandfathers. I believe that if we spent more time holding higher standards of accountability for ourselves and other men around us, we wouldn't have to be concerned about the "Future Leaders" of this country that are now in grade school.

Forget the reality based shows. Women need to watch them because they have a need to experiance the development of the relationships between the characters. What a waste of time. Men need to groom their families relationships by hunting and camping. The only reason to watch any TV show with homosexual dressing on it, is to show your kids that there are alot of dumbasses in the world that need to be lead, because they certainly aren't leaders.

Call it "Old School" but alot of the characters that John Wayne played were good examples of right standing members of society. Who would call another man on his twisted behavior and correct it with a swift strike to the head in order to clear the crap out of his brain.

Good Old John Wayne would never be ashamed of stuffing his boot in the buttocks of some whining mommas boy, or nancey boy. He would called it as he saw it. Serving up a quick lesson on manhood and how to Deal with it.