Good evening everybody. It is an honor to be here at my last — and perhaps the last — White House Correspondents’ Dinner. You all look great. The end of the Republic has never looked better.

I do apologize. I know I was a little late tonight. I was running on CPT, which stands for “jokes that white people should not make.”

Anyway. Here we are. My eighth and final appearance at this unique event. And I am excited. If this material works well, I’m gonna use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans! That’s right. That’s right.

“In fact, somebody recently said to me, “Mr. President, you are so yesterday. Justin Trudeau has completely replaced you. He’s so handsome. He’s so charming. He’s the future.” And I said, “Justin, just give it a rest.” I resented that.”

“But, the prospect of leaving the White House is a mixed bag. You might have heard that someone jumped the White House fence last week. But, I have to give Secret Service credit. They found Michelle, brought her back. She’s safe, back at home now. It’s only nine more months, babe. Settle down.”

“This is a tough transition. It’s hard. Key staff are starting to leave the White House. Even reporters have left me. Savannah Guthrie, she’s left the White House press corps to host The Today Show. Nora O’Donnell left the briefing room to host CBS This Morning. Jake Tapper left journalism to join CNN.”

“GOP Chairman Reince Priebus is here as well. Glad to see that you feel you’ve earned a night off. Congratulations on all your success. The Republican party, the nomination process; it’s all going great. Keep it up!”