“The heteronormativity (AKA cake) is a lie” – me

I’d say I have gone through this process for a while trying to understand where I stood, and I have had some spectacular revelations. I will still need work to really understand my sexuality outside of heteronormativity, even if it turns out I keep my original orientation as exclusively gynephilic. My sexuality has certainly got through some flux, but I came to realize the other day that very little had really changed. What I realized, like many was that all I was doing was understanding my sexuality as it was hidden beneath the lock and key of heteronormativity. Now unveiled I have been able to really delve into it and understand how I feel and why I feel the way I do about certain things.

So what did I learn…

The first thing I learned was that there was a word for the generic sense of sexuality I felt. It’s called Demisexuality. I am a demisexual (most likely under asexual in Wikipedia) and now I will explain this. I am not asexual, but I find sexual attraction outside of romance to be very hard, in a sense I find being sexually attracted to people to be difficult. I have always had a demisexual tendency, but since transition I have certainly became more so. Meaning it’s fairly normal for me to experience no sexual attraction to people I just meet, even long time friends. It allows me the ability to essential avoid affairs and flings, though it’s not an absolute by no means. It can make sexual relationships nearly impossible unless there is romance and emotional connection.

I was fairly demisexual before, and I often wondered if something was wrong with me when I could have a totally normal conversation with a woman without experiencing any “sexual” vibe. Mind you it was even more awkward after I transitioned. I’d been given these expectations by society, and I felt as though in some way I was broken, or that something was missing. Now, in relationships where I was intimate with a woman the feeling of being asexual was overridden to an extent, but I digress. The biggest thing I noticed though was that my sexuality was far less than many other people. This was true both before my changes and after. But learning this word finally gave me a voice to how I felt, an epiphany of sorts. I’d been saying it for years, but it finally all made sense. I can easily appreciate the beauty and character of either gender but that doesn’t mean I am sexual aroused by them, or that I think of them in any such sexual way.

Then something else happened…

Just a silly image I made a while back. It conceptualized my self concept, and an expect of my personality. Self-conceptualization is the key to everything I have come to know about myself over the years. I feel it's important to I focus on it.

I have struggled with whether I was a lesbian or a pansexual, and other such things. Well, one thing I did learn is that I have a skoliosexual tendencies. Skoliosexual – describes a potential sexual attraction to non-binary identified people. This does not generally describe an attraction to specific genitalia or birth assignments but rather is an inclusive term. (reference: http://queerdictionary.tumblr.com/post/9892676587/skoliosexual-adj) This is a form of sexuality I have always exhibited, though never engaged in. (Correction: I haven’t had feelings of sexual attraction to a person of a non-binary gender yet.) Mostly that was out of fear while I was in the military, and just lack of opportunity now. I haven’t met any non-binary like me to which I identify with, or are romantically interested in. I always felt that way and my previous blogs reflect this, though I honestly didn’t know they had a term for it. But I am not exclusively skoliosexual, and demisexual tops this whole queer salad.

The other thing I learned which was quite a shock to me, was that I overcame my hate of men, and actually formed the ability to bond with men on a deeply emotional level. It came as quite a shocker because of the fact that I realized many of my “male attractions” weren’t actually sexual ones, but emotional bonds. I have kind of concluded that I am only sexually attracted to women, and non-binary genders. I mean I guess with skoliosexuality I could potentially end up in a relationship with a male bodied non-binary person, but I am not into men. I can have platonic semi-romantic relationships with men, but nothing sexual. In this sense I declare myself a lesbian, as I am overwhelmingly attracted to women with the potential exceptions from time to time. It was only when in commenting on fellow blogger Mx. Punk (http://rainbowgenderpunk.wordpress.com) that ze exposed me to these terms and gave me a basis for understanding my sexuality. I recommend their page to all my bloggers, and the page is in my blog roll.

Once I understood these terms and applied them to my sexuality I really began to get the gears grinding again on this. So in the end, I am a demisexual lesbian, with skoliosexual exclusions. This essentially lands me full circle. My sexual orientation is right where I started, but I understand it better than I did when I began to exist outside the sphere of compulsory heterosexuality before. There is more to this all…

What are you talking about Rene?

Well, I am saying that this isn’t the only revelation brought to me through this exchange of ideas. Pansexual is still a term that could apply to me in the sense that I am attracted to people outside of their genital sex, and outside of binaries, but overall I feel lesbian feels more right to me. Skoliosexuality is more indicative of where I make exclusions to being a lesbian. As a trans woman, it would be a little hypocritical of me not to be, but I don’t choose to be oriented that way so… I have also, as I have become more comfortable with my sexuality, began to experience true gender fluidity, and sexual fluidity. I didn’t really experience those things before, so grasping them in that closed-state was difficult at best. It’s like my androgyny has been “dialed up a notch”. This for me is totally cool to me though it is making me re-evaluate other positions I once held. I have written a few blogs about how I feel about surgery, my decision to get it, and how I feel about my anatomy.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like those things, but I am re-evaluating why I feel the way I do about certain things. Like, the fling I had many months back that let to my blogs on Gender Identity, specifically the one referring to how I burst into tears feeling cheated my genitals. I think that the episode had as much to do with my demisexuality as it did with my gender identity. What I mean in that is I violated a taboo of my sexual orientation and had sex with someone I did not trust. At the time the action that led to it made sense, I mean I’d been single and unattached for 3 years at that point, prior to meeting my one boyfriend I have ever had. What this means for my stance on surgery is this… I am going to attempt to assimilate in a relationship pre-operative and see if I can have a relationship with a woman without surgery, then I’ll make a decision to get the surgery done. In that sense I will be open, that I am not decided on surgery until I have tested to see how that will work for me. As my “DEMISEXUAL” label asserts, I will not be sexual experimenting with whomever, and I am going to aim for partners okay with me as either pre or post. However, I still really, really want to feel totally complete, but I am willing to consider a compromise if it turns out I can find a happy medium. Essentially, I don’t want to put all my eggs in the SRS basket without more evidence, that’s all. It’s not wishy-washy to want more evidence.

I don’t do flings. I’d always suspected they were bad for me, but I figured it out the hard way. Another thing I have contemplated is the nature of polyamory, and that I am not polyamorous… And here’s why… I am a dedicated partner, and I need a deep bond of both trust, and solidarity to be sexual. My asexual/demisexual nature precludes polyamory being very fruitful for me, unless I had a very dedicated, but also polyamorous partner. Not to say that I am high demand, but when in a romantic scenario I like exclusivity. I also understand that monogamy might not actually be normal in humans but a product of culture more than biological predisposition. I know that I am monogamous, but that is just the behavioral inclination I have. In that sense I believe that polyamory seems more normal, especially when one observes the animal kingdom. That being said, I kind of feel it’s something of a biological predisposition. What I am saying is that I was born trans with monogamous, demisexual, gynephilic orientation, and whether or not the skoliosexuality is a learned or birth acquired trait is up in the air. It could be the later is just a product of being trans and finding love of my non-binary body and nature. I still present as a woman, feel that being physically female is right for me. I feel more androgynous as an internal thing, in spite of the fact that my gender expression tends to side on the feminine.

Concluding is such sweet sorrow…

In the end human sexuality and orientation is a very complex thing, something not easily defined within the narrow confines of any one label, sometimes even many. It's still something we should strive to understand, but we need to be ready to accept the "greyness" of sexuality, especially in my case. The Flirtation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Given this new experience of gender fluidity, and sexual fluidity I have considered things like genderqueer, or bi-gendered, as well as considering that I have pansexual capacity as well. I very much feel like an amalgamation of male and female, and I no longer feel trapped between the two. Two parts to make a whole. It may be hard for some to grasp that I have a female gender identity, but accept that I am a combo of the two. But the simplest way to put it is this… I don’t want to, nor am I seeking to erase the masculine aspects of me just because I have chosen to be physically female. Ultimately though, I think my gender identity will untimely so result in my decision to go ahead with surgery. All the evidence is pointing that way, but I am just trying to be cautious. Thanks to greater awareness of trans issues, I have a therapist and a system that enables me to do what is best for me, rather than pigeon holing me into a protocol that is based on social stigmas. It’s quite wonderful indeed. The oddest part of my gender fluidity though has been the dreams where I pass or transform between genders, experiencing both my current status, and post transition status, and a pre transition status. One thing is for sure, is that in all the change my gender has solidified and affirmed itself. I still have nightmares about being a man again, or being forced to be one again, but that has become far less frequent. However, my identity within my dreams is very stable and consistent.

I think every trans person struggles with at some point the processes about how they see themselves, because of going from being one thing to another. That is a struggle that it would seem has been put to rest decently so. I am happy to have put that behind me. But more things always lurk around the corner. Once again spring is here and I am fighting the lonely pangs of spring fever, and losing the battle some days. On that note, to all of you with a solid partner I urge you to be thankful for them, and give them your love and appreciation. Being a GLBT person during the spring can be very lonely and very painful, and I am not the only person out there. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer alike except for maybe the asexual are out there going through life trying to find their one partner, or that orientation and behavioral balance that works for them. We are all in this together, and we all face many of the same trials and struggles. With love in the air, I wish all of my GLBTQ brothers, sisters, and non-binaries all the luck and the world, and a great big hug from me. I know I could use plenty of them sometimes myself, especially days like these. Take care all.

Feel free to leave comments, ping-backs, or questions to my blog, and I welcome all for their critique, and thank you for reading my blog.

Reneta Xian (Scian)

This is my blog where I write stories from my perspective as a trans* person, stories that give represent the GLBT community in my favorite genre, Science Fiction!

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