Friday, April 1, 2011

San Francisco (AP) - Noted astrologer, author, and Blogtalkradio show host Matthew Currie has died suddenly after a long and painful battle with hypochondria, caused when an unscheduled Solar Eclipse squared his Moon and Mars. He was 45 years old. He leaves behind a large collection of unwashed laundry and unanswered e-mails. His last words were reportedly "Damn, I predicted this was going to happen next week. Forgot to correct for precession, dammit dammit dammit ack."

Matthew was born in the log cabin he helped his father build in downtown Burnaby, BC. As a child he overcame a speech impediment and went on to learn a total of seven languages, six of which he could only speak in a low mutter with a lot of gestures. At an early age he discovered girls, and shortly thereafter, girls discovered pepper spray. He developed an interest in astrology, which led to a lifelong career in the panhandling industry. After forging the correct documents, he graduated high school and attended Douglas College in New Westminster, BC, completing a double major of Loitering and Smoking. In 2009 he left Canada (still considered a high point of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's administration) for San Francisco. More loitering and smoking ensued.

Matthew Currie was an outspoken critic of the food industry, which frequently got his orders wrong. His last book, "Star Wars: The Dark Jar-Jar Trilogy Volume One: Me-sa Gonna Be Killin' You" will be published by Dark Horse Books this September.

Until a permanent replacement can be found, the part of Matthew Currie will be played by John Cusack.

His liver has been donated to the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, where it will be put on display in the main rotunda. In lieu of flowers, Matthew has stated clearly in his will that mourners spend the same amount of money on malt liquor and/or marijuana. In accordance with Matthew's final wishes, he will be cremated and his ashes spread over acclaimed Canadian actress Sunny Leone.