“NICK BIRFTY. Nick opened presents. Got guitar stand, watch, poster, Metallica tape. Nigel came over. We raged around house. Had cool party dinner. Left at 7:00. Came home. Watched movie.”

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FRESH STATS:

IT’S: 7:43pm
I’M DRINKING: A combo of lukewarm coffee dregs, lukewarm water dregs and lukewarm pulpy orange juice dregs.
I JUST STARED AT: A Sunkist brand hand held fan and toy squeaky shark sitting on my desk – children of the ‘$2 strange item’ buying rampage I went on yesterday at ‘Daily Gift’ the asian ran oddment bizarre near my house.
MY HAIR: A little deflated. A helmet of flop. Although the last haircut was the best one I’ve had in years. (The Barbaria in Surry Hills)
PIMPLES: Had a Mount Kilimanjaro of concern on my elbow. Horrendous positioning. Bathroom squeezities has seen to it.
MUSIC CHOICES: Getting into ‘The Bees’ today. ‘Elbow’ is currently belting my mood around with a frozen bread bag of ambience. Think I might go some ‘Lemon Jelly.’
I AM: Metaphorically playing the pinball machine of ‘Lost in translations.’
LAST TIME I CRIED: Last Saturday – lying on my bed, hungover. Before that, at Eels concert as E played my favourite Eels song, ‘daisies of the galaxy.’ (First time I’ve cried at a gig)
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NEW GAME!

ROCK STAR!
BAND NAME!
HIT SINGLE!

How to play:
A) Work out your rock star name. FIRST NAME: This is your nan or pop’s first name hyphenated with your SECOND pet’s name. SURNAME: Your second ever street name. For example, my Pop’s name is Leonard. My second ever pet was a cat called Snowy. My second ever street name was Totterdell. Therefore, my rock star name is Leonard-Snowy Totterdell.
(NOTE: If you’ve only ever had one pet, or street name, take that. If you’ve never had a pet or street, contact administration for further counselling)

B) Work out your band name. To do this, you need to find an anagram of your full name (middle name too). The best way to do this is to download BLACKDOG’S ANAGRAM GENERATOR here: http://blackdog4kids.com/games/word/martin.mamo/
(You may have to download a little runtime program for it to work, it may take about five minutes)
Once you have it running. Type in your full name and hit ‘anagram now’ pick the one that you like best. For example, Justin Marcus Heazlewood becomes:
SIMULTANEOUS CHOW DAZE JR.

C) Work out the title of your hit single. This must come from a sentence in the last text message you received. It can be a word, fragment, or the whole sentence. For example, the last text I received was from Tom Doig, and I have taken “Come play on Thursday.”

Send in a fairly brief rundown for a sketch. You may contain dialogue, but aim to keep it snappy. The only criteria is that it must be ridiculous. Each issue we’ll publish one and I will PITCH your ideas at the next Ronnie John’s script meeting. You will be given full credit for your idea. Payment will be succinct feedback on how your sketch was received and when it will be aired. You will also get a Bedroom Philosopher T-shirt. (when I make them)

e.g. RUBIK’S PUBE
A man is holding a small ball of multi coloured, curly hairs. A girl asks him what it is. He says ‘I dunno, it’s a puzzle I got for Christmas called the ‘Rubik’s Pube.’
(This is a sketch of mine that has been rejected)

“Sam the non-stick saucepan was tragically taken from us 28 May 2005, before his time. Sam was a hard worker, being the only saucepan in Erika’s house. I knew him only briefly, cooking noodles with him once before he tragically boiled dry, leading to a painful death. Sam is survived by Wendy Wok.”

From Kelly Chandler, of Melbourne (nee Vanuatu)

“My french-english power adaptor. the conduit of much pleasure, this device has delivered Radio Australia and the BBC world service for nine months and has been entombed after serving up one too many early-morning electric shocks.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.
A new metaphysical poem in response to the Australian Government’s new sedition laws:

Crudly
Dudley
Sat
On
His
head
Crudly
Dudley
Has
A
Cat
called
burp
scones
Bendy
Wendy
Is
his
groom
My
piggy
ate
A
Fluff
And
We
Went
To
hospitaL

(no part of ‘Let’s Get Metaphysical’ may be reproduced without prior knowledge of the highlight, copy and paste tools on your home computer, or fancy new fangled Japanese polar fleece)
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From the synesthesically fascinating Hayley Berger of an unknown origin!

Five things that make me happy:

1. Eating pie. Apricot pie, but not in slices it has to be one of those mini pies and with big bits of apricot stuck right in there. Not too much “apricot jelly pie filling stuff” please. sugar on top is also very tasty and makes me happy.

2. Sleeping in just the right amount of time so that when you wake up you feel just a little lazy and warm and you know you haven’t slept so long that you get caffeine withdrawals while you are still sleeping and wake up with a headache.

3. Singing songs about my blue fluffy slippers loudly (with dance movements) while other family members are in the same room trying to watch tv.

4. Zines because they are pretty even if they aren’t.

5. Hugging my little baby tight and calling him “aka-chan” which means baby in japanese (NB. my baby is a little kitty and he is all gingery and cute. his meows are breaking at the moment and sometimes they sound manly like MEOOWW and sometimes they sound all little and cute like MEW!!! my baby’s name is Alice and he is a boy – i think he may have a complex. but then again alice cooper turned out ………….i think my baby may have a complex)

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with 5 things that make you
Happy. Or a top 5 of any kind, except burgundy)
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STORYTIME (Brought to you by “The Biggest Emotional Loser.” We’ve taken twelve artists susceptible to depression and sent them speed dating. Watch as these frail puppies play all kinds of manipulative mind games to shed their precious amounts of self-worth. SBS, Tuesdays at 1:14am)

JUSTIN’S TRIPOD TOUR REPORT CHAPTERS 1-4.

Preface: In late August I went on a tour of regional W.A. with musical comedy trio, Tripod. I have been huge fans of theirs since I saw them on Recovery re-enacting “Aqua doing Firestarter by Prodigy and Prodigy doing Barbie Girl by Aqua.” They are absolutely brilliant gentleman. I had a terrific time. Most of my spots went really well. I played for thirty minutes before them each night. We did eleven gigs in two and a bit weeks. Here is a brief rundown of some of the highlights in no order:

PART ONE – GETTING IN A STRANGE FIGHT WITH A GIRL IN KARRATHA.

(I sneak out for a ciggie after my set. A girl approaches me and says she’s from Hobart)
Girl: Can I have a sip of your crownie?
Me: Sure.
Girl: (after taking sip) I’ve got herpies of the mouth.
Me: Oh.
Girl: Do you want your drink back?
Me: Not really.
(later)
Girl: You’re arrogant, you come here and you judge us because we’re from Karratha.
Me: No I don’t. What have I done?
Girl: It’s in your body language, the way you just stand there.
Me: I’m not doing anything.
Girl: You think you’re better than me.
Me: No I don’t.
(I walk off, offended)

CHAPTER TWO – SCOD AND I GOING OUT FOR A BOOGIE IN KARRATHA AND ME FINDING ONE REMOTELY INDIE LOOKING GIRL AND GETTING EXCITED.

(Scod and I are grooving away. I spy a remotely indie looking girl with long brown hair, wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I couldn’t decide what to wear.’ I am impressed. I relay this to Scod who suggests I try something or other. I do.)
Me: (Having monogrooved my way in her general vicinity.) Hey, great shirt.
Girl: Thanks.
Me: Did you make it?
Girl: Yeah.
(She seems disappointed and moves away from me. I return to Scod and analyse the conversation. We decide that ‘Did you make it?’ was a bad second line.)

CHAPTER THREE – GATESY RELAY’S THE CONVERSATION’S IN THE TOILETS AFTER MY BROOME GIG.

(I’ve just played at the Diver’s tavern in Broome. While I expect the gig to not go very well, it is my best on tour so far. The crowd are completely into me. ‘I’m So Over Girls’ gets the best reaction, and I totally rethink a few clichés I may have been incubating.)
Gatesy: Hey, these blokes were talking about you in the toilet’s.
Me: Yeah?
Gatesy: One of them says ‘I’d rather listen to someone like him than Rodney Rude.’
Me: Oh wow, that’s fu#kin great!
Gatesy: The other guy says, yeah he had a real Triple J vibe about him. And the other guy says ‘what, you mean a good head for radio?’ and the bloke goes ‘nah.’

CHAPTER FOUR – A KID IN BUNBURY ASKS TRIPOD TO SIGN A BURNT CD

Moments after coming out of ‘Wedding Crashers,’ we were all sitting in a little café bar, when a teenage kid approached the boys with a burnt copy of one of their albums, asking them to sign it. They were all obliging and friendly. I watched on in hyper-bemusement and light disbelief.

TO BE CONTINUED!
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page. You will be asked for your name, email, and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: Adelle – “When my Mum sprung me + BF.”

Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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