I don't own a Wii U, and I have only recently become the
owner of a 3DS. This means that my knowledge of more recent Super Mario games
is limited. Last week, I discovered a startling fact about Super Mario 3D World
– this time Bowser does not kidnap Princess Peach.

Now this may not have made waves with you, but I... well I
was appalled. How could this happen? How could Bowser do this to Peach? After
all they have been through? And after everything that Mario has done for him?

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What, I hear the voices in my head asking, am I talking about? Well, if my long standing theory holds true, then Bowser's change in behaviour means that he has broken Peach's heart, and betrayed 30 years of friendship with Mario.

(If you hadn't realised be now, this is a fairly random
post. It aims to provoke thought, to an extent, but beyond that it is
practically pointless. Just so you know.)

THE THEORY:

Even before the first Super Mario Bros outing, Bowser and
Peach have been in love with each other. Both know that this relationship would
never be accepted. For the good of the Kingdom, they hid their true feelings.
This love, however, only grew stronger the more they were apart. The only other
person, who knew this secret, was Bowser's best friend Mario.

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Then a plan hatched like a baby Yoshi. Bowser would 'kidnap'
Peach. Retreating to the sanctuary of Bowser's castle, the lovers could be
honest and open with each other. Meanwhile, the faithful Mario would step
forward, declaring that he 'would journey to rescue the Princess'.

The humble plumber would put on a good show, appearing to
battle Koopas and leap daringly down pipes. At the end of his journey he and
his 'nemesis' would do battle. With Bowser 'defeated', Peach and Mario return
home triumphantly. Peace is restored until the two lovers yearn to meet once
more and another 'abduction' takes place, allowing the duo to once again meet
in private.

Mario is therefore Bowser's best friend, secret keeper and
possibly the best wingman in history.

THE PROOF:

1) Mario and Bowser are still alive.

It's been nearly 30 years since this story began. To my
knowledge, Peach has been 'kidnapped' at least a dozen times. It seems to me
that if either side was looking for an end to this debacle, it would have ended
with the death of either combatant. Bowser is bigger and stronger than Mario.
He can breathe fire! Instead, the Italian plumber roughs him up and bit, maybe
spinning him around by his tail for good measure, before throwing the big bad
guy off screen. The theatrics don't fool me.

2) Bowser's minions are in on it (and they're not very good
actors)

They might waddle back and forth, give Mario the old
evil-eye, but Bowser's entourage aren't really putting up much of a fight.
Sometimes they might stumble into Mario, but what happens then? Mario trots out
an act worthy of pantomime; leaping into the air, eyes wide, fainting. Then,
brushing off his overalls, he sets off again. The man puts in a decent effort,
don't get me wrong. He throws the occasional pyrotechnic fireball, and he's got
that snazzy trick with the stars, but it's clear to me that Mario is pulling
his punches.

3) "...in another castle."

Bowser has a castle. Just the one and it's pretty
distinctive. Yet, Mario bumbles round the Mushroom Kingdom, jumping and
searching. "Oh she's not in this one either? Sigh. I best keep
looking". Mario knows what he's doing – giving the love-birds as much time
together as possible before the eventual 'final battle'.

4) Peach is a princess.

In the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach is the ruling
Monarch. Unfortunately for our two lovers, monarchies must follow strict rules.
When Peach marries, she will be the ruling Queen, but she will share power with
her King. This is the fact which holds Peach and Bowser apart. How could the
people of the Mushroom Kingdom truly accept Bowser as there King? They have
always feared and hated him! Even daring to spend time with Peach could cause a
dangerous political situation. The 'abductions' became the ideal solution.

5) They have so much fun together.

This theory puts all Mario games into perspective. Bowser,
Peach and Mario freely meet with each other once the whole 'kidnapping' thing
dies down. The Go-Karting, the wrestling matches, the sporting events.

How could any of this be possibly happen any other way?

6) Peach and Bowser have a son (maybe).

I'm not the first person to realise this, nor am I the first
to address the subject. In Super Mario Sunshine Baby Bowser let's slip that
Peach is his mother (he has often referred to her as "Mama Peach").
Of course, since then all parties have asserted that Baby Bowser was
mistaken... but that should not be enough to fool you.

7) Lastly, have you seen Princess Peach fight?

If you haven't: open a new tab, go and watch a few rounds of
Super Smash Bros. Then tell me you believe that the Princess could be captured
so easily. At the very least, Bowser should be sporting a few gaps in his teeth
these days...

THE CONCLUSION:

So why does the lack of Peach-kidnap in the new instalment
appal me? Because of what it means for Peach and Mario! Think of all Mario has
done for Bowser! The lengths he went through to keep their love secret! And
poor Peach! After 30 years of private romancing, Bowser is chasing after another
woman. Nay, eight other women, if what I have heard is to be believed! I can
only hope there is a rational explanation.

What do you think?

Feel free to find fault in my theory, or add any evidence I
have overlooked. Does this make you think of the characters differently? Or did
you already know this to be true?

Either way, I promise to blog more sensibly in the
future...most of the time.