Today I present to you, my dear reader, a fun CatLady fact. On a random whim six months ago, I went to the optometrist. I hadn’t had my “Disney Eyes” checked since grade school, and was about to sign up for insurance and wondered if I should purchase vision coverage. (Oh Adulthood, you’re so fun!) I assumed I still had perfect vision, but when I was asked to read the letters on the wall with my left eye – my soul was crushed. I am now the proud owner of way more pairs of nerdy glasses than I’d ever be willing to admit. (Most women like shoes. I hate shoes. But give me ALL OF THE NERDY GLASSES!) This is necessary information for today’s online dating horror story. By the way, this post is NC-17.

If you listen to any of my podcasts, you would be aware that I’ve been on a number of dates recently, and all but one was pretty terrible. (And the good one ghosted me, for the record.) However, one date in particular was worse than the rest in ways you could only listen about to understand, as I’m not going to re-live it again. Check out the podcast(s).

This terrible date, after said date, texted me to ask how I thought the date went, because at very least he could use advice. I was told that I needed to give an honest evaluation since it was asked for, so I typed up one of the most difficult things for me to write. A friend read it and suggested I post it, as it really holds some good advice that many could use a refresher on. So, here it is:

Aside from the constant reminder that you’re single, I think one of the problems with dating apps is that it seems to indicate that you are using the app, if you are so much as using your phone for anything else. Last Friday, to try to soften the blow of not having a date, I went to the casino with my mom and brother. We are skilled enough gamblers that we ended up being there for a long time before our money ran out. I got home at 2:00AM on Saturday. I set the alarm on my phone to not waste away my weekend, and “BEEP!” New message from 26 year old looking for love:

I sometimes get slack for not giving some guys a fair shot. If you are one of “those” types, I am going to suggest you not read this one. Not only was this guy too young for my comfort level, (He is 26. Yes, I’m an age snob, I get it.) but he also had absolutely ZERO information on his profile. He had a very unflattering photo, and I think his grammar speaks for itself.

Timehop reminded me today that a year ago, before Tinder limited your likes and charged you by age, that I was swiping right for everyone. Because I am both a confident woman, and perhaps insane, I greeted my matches with “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!” (Hey.. you never know! I kind of wish I had the guts to do this in person!)

The responses (at least for the first day that Timehop has shown me) are pretty funny:

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Ha u will need to wait longer”

“I like every profile”

“Be real”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Wow. Hahahaha. I feel like you should get something better than me if you waited so long.”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“And I you. Welcome to destiny!”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“I think you are the first girl to message me there must be something wrong with you.”

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“There you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“How does it feel to find me?”

“There’s a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to Disney World!”

“Or my apartment. It’s been called Disney world before.”

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“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“Wow that’s really good luck then!”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Soo you love me?”

“No.”

“Let’s bang.”

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“It’s you! I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“If I had a nickel..”

“Then you’d have a nickel?”

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“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“hope i don’t disappoint. (914)###-####”

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“There you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Boobs?”

“Oh, you have boobs? Nevermind.”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Hahaa hard line to follow.. but yes ma’am, at your servicce. When can I start?”

I’ve been told that the best time to online date is the first couple weeks in January. This makes sense, of course: New Years Resolutions. Often times, we singletons pledge to work harder to fall in love. After that first few weeks of the new year, most newbies are scared away. (I would assume this is either due to crazy messages, or no messages.)