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info about adoption

Hi Ladies,

I have no idea about adoption, it's the first time I am looking in to it. My Dh and I have just gone through our 3rd failed IVF. It's still very raw for us but thought I would focus my energy on some adoption research. Dh isn't keen on going for adoption and I am not sure. I know so little about it.

Are there any of you Ladies that can give me any starting information, what's the best website to look on? Are there any good books to look out for? What are your experiences? How long does it take to adopt? What are the costs involved & what are the chances of adopting a young baby? Is it generally an older child?

Any info would be much appreciated.

I am not looking into rushing in to anything at all but would like to take the time to do some background research!

Hi Jillybean. It's very exciting that you are looking into adoption!
There are basically two ways of going about this: 1 is through a Local Authority (LA) and 2. is through a Voluntary Agency (VA). Each of these will routinely conduct information evenings for prospective adopters, and attending these should definitely be your first step. I would attend at least one by and LA and one by a VA as this will give you a flavour of the way each works and help you decide which you prefer. We personally preferred the VA as their service was more personal, there was less waiting around for things to happen and as we were interested in a mixed race child, and VAs have access to available children nationally, we felt they were better placed to work with us than the LA in our (very white) area. There is also (arguably) better post-adoption support from VAs.
With an LA you *may* have a better chance of finding a young infant as VAs only really end up needing to place children that LAs can't place (so unlikely to be a baby as they are very much in demand) Having said that, because of the time it takes for SS to issue a placement order on a child, you will not get a newborn, and realistically, the youngest child you are likely to get would be about 9 months (maybe 6 months at a push).

Once you have attended an info evening, if then you decided you want to press ahead, you will complete a "registration of interest" which for us was a lengthy form (akin to an application form) with all past details of education and work etc. Then a SW may visit you and conduct a long initial interview which coversin brief, all the main topics that would eventually have a session allocated to them during the homestudy. This took about 2 hours for us. It is at this stage that you should declare anything that you would like the agency to be aware of incase it causes obstacles or delays later down the line. For example, an episode of depression, past financial difficulties, health issues, criminal convictions (they don't worry about speeding offences) stuff like that. Medicals are also done - some agencies do these at this point, others do them later. THEN if all is well, you are invited to apply and after that you will be invited to a prep course.

During the prep course you will spend about three days having discussions and doing exercises etc which teach you about adoption and help you understand about why children come into the care system. This is as interesting as it is sad and also exciting. It's good though because you will meet other propective adopters and they will quite possibly become supportive friends throughout!

After the prep course, you wil wait to be allocated a social worker to start your homestudy. This may be approximately 10 or more visits by your SW and each meeting will have a different focus eg your relationship, your finances, etc etc. You will also have an individual meeting with the SW (without your partner) so they can properly assess you as individuals as well as a couple, and make sure you are both equally keen to adopt.

You will need to supply at least 6-8 references (1 or 2 of which can be a family member) that can help the SW know you better and know how you will cope with a child that may present with challenging behaviour. Ex-partners may also be contacted, especially if you have lived with them or if they had children. These will probably be taken up about midway through the homestudy and you will discuss with your SW which referneces would be the best onces to single out for interviews.

Your home will need to be checked for H&S issues, you will be CRBd and your mortgage company or landlord will be required to vouch for your financial reliability.

After this, the SW does a report which you get to see and edit if needed, then you go to panel

Once you are approved, the search can begin (although you may have started this yourselves from as early as midway through the process). If you are linked to a child, you will recieve all the relevant paperwork and reports which you must read carefully and request (or demand if necessary) more info on if you think anything has been glossed over. Then if you wish to proceed, you will go to matching panel. If approved, you then have a programme of introductions to the child/children and with the help of the foster carers, you will slowly take over their care, eventually culminating in you (hopefully) bringing them home. However, we have not got this far, so this is only what I have gleaned - you would be better asking an experienced adopter about matching and introductions etc.

The thing to bear in mind is that children that have adoption orders placed on them are traumatised children. Even babies who have been separated from their birth mother will have gone into foster care initially, so by the time they get to you, they have already been moved at least twice. This can still have repercussions on their behaviour later on. (research the vagus nerve). Also, babies that are taken from the birth mother are often done so because of contact with drugs and alcohol and another thing you should read up on is foetal alcohol syndrome. Other things to research would be Attachment Disorder and also therapeutic parenting.

Older children may also have these issues, or may have suffered neglect, violence or physical or sexual abuse. Some children may have not received the basics such as food, warmth and hygene and again, this impacts on later behaviour, for example stealing in general and hoarding of food is quite common. Neglect also impacts on overall child development and adopted children are often emotionally younger than their real age.

You will be asked to seriously think about what you can take on, and all I would say on this point is A) be honest and B) ensure that you properly research as necessary and *dig* for info from the child's SW (all that glitters is not gold etc etc) and make sure you have a proper support package agreed before you proceed with a match.

Can anyone answer a question for me?..................I work away from home at the minute, I spend 4 days away and 4 days at home, I understand this is not ideal situation for a child and my intentions would be for me to have a part-time job closer to home if we had a family but at the moment I need the salary that I am on, is it likely we would get rejected for adoption for the simple fact I work away from home even though my intentions (once we have adopted) would be to work closer to home??

Hi again!
No you wont' be rejected because you currently work away from home. But you will be required to demonstrate how you will support a child's needs once placed.
I don't know exactly how you will be required to demonstrate your plans, but they will tell you what they want from you. Just as an example, we currently have a lodger in what would be a child's room. This didn't matter to the SW because obviously this was a temporary arrangement and the extra money was going to help us pay for things for a child. The SWs know that your life now is not going to be how you do things after placement, but they want to be sure that you know that too, and they will want to know what your plans are.

Remember what I said about timings as well - application to placement can take months but it can also take years, so there is no way a SW would expect you to be living your life as if you already have a child!

Hope I've helped despite my rambling

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning how to dance in the rain

Unfortunately my Dh has said adoption isn't really what he wants, so I have had a good cry today, on my birthday too!! It was me that brought up the conversation and we have had sharp words, today of all days!

Hi JB. Firstly, a very Happy Birthday for today, I hope this is evening is much happier foor you.

Now, I know that there is the possibility that DH won't have a change of heart, but take a look at my diary. Not so long ago, DH was really digging his heels in that he would absolutely not look at adoption. He didn't think he would be able to love a AC the way he would a biological one, and very honestly, said that his worry was that if 6 months down the line he felt nothing for an AC then he ran the risk of losing me. I thougt it was a definite no go and was absolutely heartbroken. BUT - he did have a change of heart and is now very very much on board with our adoption application, so much so that he is watching every penny and thinking twice about things we may want to do/buy and looking at how things will appear to a SW. I did still wonder if it was all for my benefit, but a few weeks ago we had some close friends here, and I had told one of the girls (with BGs help) that our ivf journey was over. She looked very concerned about me and then I told her we were applying to adopt. She was so shocked/happy/relieved that tears came, and the reason for that reaction? She had had many a conversation with both DH and I about the possibility of adoption in the past, and knew only too well what he had said/felt about it. Then, as an even bigger shock to her, later in the evening (after way too many glasses of vino), while she was outsiide having a cigarette, DH went out to talk to her and announced that we were going to adopt and that he couldn't wait and was so excited and happy. Believe me, nobody was more against it than my DH and now he is gungho in the opposite direction. I've never seen him so excited. So please please don't give up, he may very well surprise you. I remember how it feels to be where you are now, and it is truly soul destroying, but things can change extremely quickly. Hold on in there sweetheart, and don't give up just yet. Lots of love xxx

PS, I found that the more I brought the subject up, the more he dug his heels in and the more we argued. I eventually sat back and started to come to terms with the possibility that he wouldn't come round, and that's when he started to consider it in his own mind and had a good think about things. Once he was ready and had all the questions he needed to ask, HE brought the subject up and we talked and talked for hours about it and started to look online for information. It may be worth doing the same with your DH. Men are funny creatures and do like to think that something is their idea. I don't know about you, but I've learned that with my DH, and also my dad, brother, fil and bil, they will only do/talk about something when they are good and ready to, be it diy, mowing the lawn, emptying the dishwasher, or even discussing feelings. They really are an alien race!!! I hope things improve for you soon xxx

I read your diary a few weeks ago, so I know you have been through it too. I am so happy things are going well for you. As you know it's so hard when you are in the situation at the time, you don't feel like there is any light at the end of that tunnel....Tears are in the plenty!

sorry to hear....

Is there any possibility that maybe in a few months and after going to maybe an info evening he may have a change of heart just to hear more ?

It is a massive step to commit to going through it and he may just feel very scared of the thought that someone elses child could be his, it is really difficult to get your head round. I really hope in the future he may think actually it is the right thing to do.

Take care Jelly Bean xxx

Beautiful Daughter and gorgeous Son through adoption, my family now complete , 2009 started our journey and complete Oct 2012 ....

Well ladies I am still in the same situation as before! Not much has changed! I still feel that going through another Ivf cycle is out of the question and my mind is still focusing on adoption. I look at mums when they are out and think how lucky they are to have their own child then I second think to myself as actually that may not be their birth child and they may have adopted too. Other than close friends and family, no1 would automatically think that the child wasn't ours biologically! I still feel we would be better suited to a young baby as this will be our 1st and maybe only child and I want to experience as many aspects as possible of bringing a life in to the world.

Everytime someone at work talks about their child and what they said or did it feels me with sadness to think I may not be able to talk about our child.

Dh still hasn't come round to the idea of thinking about adoption but we have made some progress

He said I am rushing things and it wasn't until our last failed IVF that I actually considered adoption as an option and I totally understand this and he is completly right but I feel I need to explore this option further now to re focus my mind, to keep me busy and to make me feel that the road to having a child has ended!

We then agreed that if in 12mths time I still feel the same that we could start the ball rolling to gathering more offiicial information like asking for info pack and going to a meeting

I am over the moon and he has made my day! I can't ask for more than that!

Hello

Hello Lovely

Have just read through your threads, its great that your husband has been prepared to be open about the possibility of adoption. Its true that everyone needs a different space and time to come to terms with things, and I know that for some women, we jsut want to move on to the next step, but my DH and sounds like lots on here like to take their time and cointemplate. Not being able to have your own biological child, is a massive massive shock and its taken me years to accept that I cannot do this. Even now at times when someone just gets preganant or DH sister just drops them outI get frustrated and angry and upset. Dh and you need to have some time to greive together for your loss and then hes right explore this in 12 months time.

CALYSPO gave you all the right information etc and there is no age limit so dont fret over the next 12months about getting older (as I did this) as it wont matter. The only thing I might say is that if you are overweight use this time to get in shape (yea easier said then done) as that is the only thing they were picky about with us. But I never lost as much weight that I should have.

Whatever you and DH decide is right for you and good luck with whatever you decide. We will be here for you.

I am not over weight so should be okay on that front, during my IVF my BMI was slightly below the normal so even if I put a bit of weight on I shouldn't be classed as overweight. There are however things that may cause us problems as I have a bit of a split home/work life. I spend a few days away from home for work as I am unable to find a job that pays enough closer to home and I presently cannot afford to take a pay cut but maybe in the future this will be possible. Dh has been made redundant and I am so hoping he is back in employment b4 we start adoption as I am guessing this may cause problems too?!

I do have loads of questions I want answering and feel I need to prepare for before starting the adoption process so when I'm ready I may mither you about them if you don't mind?

adoption

Hello

I dont mind at all you ask away and dont fret as Calypso said what yoru doing now wont be what you may be doing in a years time or when a child arrives. So wait and see what the next 12 months bring, I understand your need to ask as I worried hopelessly about everything and my life has changed somewhat from what I started on the journey with. So wait and see and then ask away!!

Me too!

Hello, I completely understand how you are feeling. My dh is also anxious about this next
Step and to be honest, i'm terrified too. Does anyone know whether a spell of depression in
Dh's past (when he was at uni he had counselling and anti depressants) will be a reason they
Might reject us? He has has no symptoms since then and is a tower of strength throughout every thing.

Depression

hi Molly

Well firstly let me say me and DH had depression and were honest and upfront about it, We had to have a medical so your husband will be better off declaring it and being upfront as it will come out. Our agency were great as part of our homestudy we had to write an essay about what we learnt about ourselves from having depression and what spport techniques and straegies we would use in the future to prevent it again. We passed our medicals and also passed our panel.

HOWEVER.......checky my diary out as we got verbally matched with a child from another LA (we went thru agency to get assessed as our LA is crap) and then we have jsut been refused the match down to the fact .........we had depression. That said our SW and her manager have said that they are just nit picking as we were in shortlisted with another couple as they want to eliminate one of us so they are just picking on anything to justify their decision. She said not to worry, but I canot help but wonder if its a label that sticks. Still you cannot hide it and providing you are not on antidepressants right now then you should be ok and passable. Cant guarantee your get a child watch my space and we will see!!!! i will be the living proof of whether depression really matters in ones past or not!

This is something that we are looking at if/when IVF doesn't work for us although I feel that we feel doomed before we start. They seem to want to know EVERYTHING!

I was married to my ex-husband who was childfree (didn't know this at the time). He was diagnosed with OCD and eventually I had no choice but to leave him.. and go bankrupt.
My DH now has a 5yo from a previous marriage but my SS was abducted when he was 3 months old. My DH has faught desperatley to be in his life. This court fight (which has now closed) left my DH with depression when he was adbucted and bankrupt! The insane ex accused my DH of domestic and child abuse (these allegations were dismissed in court. No police or SWs were ever involved). The court agreed that we have SS for over 40% of the time.