Willie Waffle’s “Escape Plan” Is Locked in a Prison of Dreadfulness

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Wille Waffle’s review of Escape Plan is subtitled “Sly and Arnold Deserve Better”. You, dear reader, do too. Waffle’s review is so full of grammatical errors, punctuational nightmares and head-scratching phrases that his high school English teacher just updated her will and jumped out a window.

This, friends, is not the variety of bad grammar that’s the result of a lax editor letting one slip by, this is the stuff of nightmares. The type of eyeball-melting gaffes you’d find on the fourth-best fanboy forum on a lesser known anime movie (“must of” does. not.compute.).

Waffle’s sentence syntax is so labyrinthine, it would have Yoda yanking at that little wisp of hair on his wrinkly green head, and it lends the piece about as much flow as a vat of stale Jell-O.

If you can trudge through the density, you’ll find a few convoluted points. The script is overt to a fault, with “a huge twist is completely obvious to almost anyone with a pulse”, Arnold is “camping it up” and Stallone is “good”. Waffle saves all his ire for Caviezel, who is, by turns “horrible as the mockable, stereotypical B-movie, sadistic, weenie, tiny man villain” and “stiff, emotionless and forgettable as the warden”.