He walked into Terry Murray’s office after last night’s game (dressed as the cleaning person) and, after a quick Hola to coach Murray, got to work. Fortunately, Terry soon forgot Surly was there (a combination of Terry’s age and Surly’s stealth nature) and Jacob found himself beneath Murray’s desk waiting…all night…and this morning until after practice when in walked Dustin Penner.

Penner: “Hey coach, you wanted to see me?”

Murray: “Yes, please sit down.”

[Surly scrambles to get out of the way of Penner’s giant tree trunks for legs and scatters to one end of the desk]

Murray: “So, how do you think you played last night?”

Penner: “Got 4 shots on goal.”

Murray: “Yes, you did. Anything else?”

Penner: “Blocked a shot, I think…well, I was checking out this chick behind the glass with giant…um, with a nice smile and the shot deflected off me but I think that’s a block nevertheless, so that was good.”

Murray: [shaking his head] “Dustin, I need more from you. First, you miss a couple of games because of that phantom knee injury…”

Penner: “…phantom? That’s not fair coach. I was hurt.”

Murray: “What was the team doctor’s diagnosis?”

Penner: “I think he called it a boo-boo.”

Murray: “A boo-boo. That’s right. You missed time because of that boo-boo.”

Penner: “I’ve never had one before, it was kind of scary.”

Murray: “Boo-boo aside, you are not hustling. We need more.”

Penner: “That’s not my fault. I don’t like being on the same line as Mike Richards and Dustin Brown.”

Murray: “Why?”

Penner: “Because they’re fucking fast. You know how hard it is to keep up with those two? The assholes are already above the circles before I have even crossed the blue line.”

Murray: [peering over the open pizza box] “Dustin, what the hell possessed you to think it was okay to order pizza and bring it to this meeting?”

Penner: “I didn’t bring it. I had it delivered…and I figured it would be a long meeting.”

Murray: “Well, you are right, it will be.”

Penner: “There you go. Penner shoots and scores.” [grabs two more slices]

Murray: “Dustin, I have to get more from you.”

Penner: “Yeah, you said that already… ”

Murray: “…well, I am saying it again. You are not hustling, you are not hitting, you are not grinding and you are not playing the heavy game out there…”

Penner: “I noticed you didn’t bring up scoring.”

Murray: “What?”

Penner: “Nevermind.”

Murray: “What is it going to take for you to start playing the game I know you’re capable of?”

Penner: “Oh. I don’t know.” [takes a drink] “I am trying. But there is a lot of pressure on me. I am getting paid all of this money to deliver results. We have this great team that is supposed to contend for the Cup. I don’t ever want to go back to Canada. I mean, this isn’t easy.”

Murray: “How did you deal with it in Anaheim? You excelled there.”

Penner: “That was different, coach.”

Murray: “How so?”

Penner: “Randy Carlyle.”

Murray: “What about him?”

Penner: “He is one scary dude. I mean, he would kick my ass. Do you know how many times he made me do bag skates? I feared for my life every minute while there.”

Murray: “So, that is what it will take? I have to make you work?”

Penner: “I mean, probably, but I would prefer you didn’t. I kind of enjoy our talks. They are much less strenuous and you’re easy to tune out so, you know, that’s a plus.”

Murray: “That’s not funny.”

Penner: “I am not trying to be funny. That just happens.”

Murray: “Ok, then, bag skates it is.”

Penner: “Shit, really? Can it at least wait until after I finish the pizzas?”

Murray: “You are going to eat three large pizzas?”

Penner: “Of course not. The vegetarian is for Moreau. The pussy is trying to stay in shape…look coach, I promise I will try harder. You don’t need to be hard on me. I can do it. Give me another chance.”

Murray: “I want to believe that…”

Penner: “Trust me. I get it. You want more grinding, hitting, the heavy game and endless and mindless cycling.”

Murray: “I never said anything about cycling.”

Penner: “Oh. I figured it was implied.”

Murray: “It is.”

Penner: “Well, there you go. But, as far as scoring? Don’t need to worry about that, right?”

MURRAY: “Absolutely. That’s an area of concern when you look at the last three years. Our offensive game is not as good as what we need it to be. It’s been one of the lower stats that we look at, in 5-on-5 play over the years. I think everybody is aware of it. We’ve got to get more of a shot mentality. That is, no question, an area of concern. We look at the average shots on goal, as compared to the rest of the league, and we’re down to 27th, 28th in the league. So that has to improve in order to score. At the same time though, in saying that, I think we’ve had some really good looks. Last night, we had some opportunities, and we’re not finding the back of the net right now. We’ve just got to reinforce it, the good things that are happening, and build on it and I think it will start to turn around.’’

It’s about the shots. Hasn’t he said this for three plus years? How do the Kings dump the puck in, recover the puck while keeping the F3 forward high, get traffic in front and get the point shot off quickly? By the time the player who recovers the puck gets to the front, the defense gets in the defenseman’s shooting lane. This results in a blocked shot or a shot wide. If the point shot comes before traffic, it’s an easy save and almost zero chance of scoring.

How does Murray expect his system to generate shots and rebounds? The only time the Kings score is when a turnover results in transition. And right now the Kings can’t even string together passes to generate the offense on transition.

I expect a much better game from the Kings tomorrow in Dallas. They better, I’ll be there.

This is hysterical. What is not so funny, is that Penner really seems that aloof. He seems so apathetic. Where is his head? Did you hear that moron Patrick O’Neal interviewing him during the Devil’s game? Penner seemed half dead.

Smoking weed? Thinking about pussy? Needs a psychiatric consult? What the fuck is wrong with this guy?