Saturday, June 16, 2018

I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE (2016) [Joe's Review]

My favorite thing about I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in
the House is the opening line:

“I have heard myself say that a house with a death in it can
never again be bought or sold by the living. It can only be borrowed from the
ghosts that have stayed behind.”

Why is she attributing a quote to herself? Does this mean
this is something she’s said before? When the fuck did she say that? At a
dinner party?

“Steve and I just bought the most charming house.”

“A wise woman, me actually, always says that a house with a
death in it can never be bought or sold by the living.”

“What?”

“It can only be borrowed from the ghosts that have stayed
behind.”

“What if the ghost was a renter?”

“…Well, then I guess you would sublet.”

Such power! I gotta try it out.

I always say, two bananas does not make a bunch!

Once upon a time when I was also talking, I noted that you
should never purchase a car from a fruit farmer because they’re likely to sell
you a watermelon! … I often hear myself butcher jokes!

Once your imagination stops vibrating from these
incredible possibilities, you’re treated to the scene of a blurry woman in
white walking backwards:

And into the title scene.

Note to the director: It takes her 35 seconds. if you’d had her walk forward this
scene would have taken half the time. If she had sprinted out it would have
been like a second!

After that, we’re treated to a sequence of images of
inanimate objects. This goes on forever!

And it’s definitely the best part of the movie after the self-quoted real
estate advice.

Anyway, the general plot is:

Nurse looks after old woman, finds the ghost stories she
wrote, sees the ghost they were written about, dies.

This is her dying:

Yeah, I know you can't see it. This is what she’s flipping out about.

You probably can't see that either. It's a picture of a pretty ghost who looks confused by the woman flipping out in the corner.

I can’t write a joke about that.

I…can’t write a joke about that.

I often hear myself say….pfffffffff….*sigh*

*SEASONS CHANGE, TIME PASSES BY, AS THE WEEKS BECOME THE
MONTHS BECOME THE YEARS*

*Six months later*

Well fuck it. Anyway. Here’s what this movie needed: the
nurse, the old woman, the boss, the ghost, they all should have been played by
John Malkovich.

Questions for Paul!

1. What do you often hear yourself say?PH: Oh, hello cat, come to cuddle? . . . ouch, fuck!2. Does the ghost ownership statute also apply to trailers and condos?PH: Yes, Joe, it does. But, little known fact, if you've got a ghost in your house, and the house was purchased before 2012, you qualify for a mortgage interest deduction anyway. But only if the ghost was already there at the date of purchase. You can't just kill someone in your house and get a deduction, because that's totally begging for an audit.

3. Why does the ghost walk backward?PH: To get to the other side. Get it? . . . GET IT?! I often hear myself say, you could have done better, Paul.

4. Is there a ghost she could have seen that wouldn't have killed her?PH: No. Is there a movie we could have seen that wouldn't have killed our motivation to review it?