The United Nations may soon be busy advertising vacancies due to an unexpected crop of empty seats on its Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). Events have moved rapidly in recent weeks in the climate science. But just like the science so goes the careers of scientists in the blink of an eye, or the melt of a glacier.

We have recently learned of bigger challenges ahead for former railway engineer, economist and climate expert, Dr. Rajendra Pachauri. The ‘world’s most important climatologist’ is fast gaining recognition as an erotic novelist, proving that he truly is a Renaissance man of worldwide fame. Pachauri has not only successfully honed his ice cool talents in so many fields he has climbed to the summit as a shrewd energy investor and speculative businessman. He now shows us once again he has the Midas touch as a dab hand peddler of pornography and science fiction. The UN will be sorry to lose his invaluable services.

Internationally, other vacancies may soon transpire within government-funded climatic research institutes. After the success in promoting the science of man made global warming top climatologists such as Penn. State University’s Michael Mann and University of East Anglia’s (UEA) Phil Jones – who lately has received a right royal endorsement from none other than Prince Charles for his outstanding contribution to law breaking on epic proportions, are also set for new challenges elsewhere.

The IPCC will be encouraging national governments to fill these vacancies without delay with men and women of analogous rectitude and talent. This year is sure to be a wondrous opportunity for ambitious, dedicated and well-qualified climatologists disposed towards close working relations with non-governmental environmental lobby groups such as Greenpeace, Friends of the Earth and the World Wildlife Fund (WWF). Select candidates must possess the minimum requisite academic qualifications, but above all else, they’ll need the right references.

Eager aspirants must have experience in both fictional and non-fictional science with resourcefulness in seamlessly coalescing the two in peer-reviewed publications. Fame and fortune is assured to the most persuasive practitioners of this highly lucrative dark art.

As we have seen in recent times, great innovators in science will have their envious detractors jealously hurling their defamatory slurs. You may know them as that uncouth rabble of vocal planetary misfits, those ungodly sceptics. Such non-believers who must never be allowed to besmirch the great and the good of the IPCC, no sir, no way, so sayeth Mr. US President and Mr. UK Prime Minister.

Anyway Mammon has its own exquisite way of punishing such sacrilege. Thousands of besmirched and slandered climatologists will all stand in line at court houses and weigh down judges with a plethora of libel suits to cleanse the mouths and empty the pockets of those dastardly deniers. The civil courts are creaking under the rush now, as we speak, in climate claims. Or is that all just another variant of immoral fiction from the petulant pen of Pachauri?

But let’s feel no great sadness for the man once lauded as ‘the world’s most senior climatologist.’ Dr. Pachauri has allegedly already had his private accounts filled by big energy sponsors. Thus goes the old saying: he who has his hands last on the money is usually laughing the loudest.

‘QUALIFIED’ CLIMATOLOGIST? NO SUCH THING
But in my mockery there is a sober point that needs to be made about that discredited brand of IPCC voodoo climatology. Those 1,000+ leaked Climategate emails tell us all we need to know about the integrity and methodologies so beloved of taxpayer funded climate experts.

In recent weeks it’s been left more and more to the politicians, those lovers of cap and trade taxation policies to do the eco-fascist dirty work. The Obama’s and Brown’s of this world are such a ham-fisted bunch, too. Instead of focusing on factual debate they digress off into appealing to this or that ‘authority.’ When us sceptics point them to the latest data that debunks their floundering theory they’ll retort with statements like, “you’re not qualified to dispute the science, you’re not even a climatologist!”

So climatologists, pray tell – what qualifications do you need other than having your friends pay to publish your work and address you as such? In the interests of honest inquiry let us now examine what it takes to matriculate as an academically qualified climate scientist.

I shall conduct my analysis with true objectivity – no wiki-peeing here! I’ll Google my facts so there will be no question that I haven’t used the most pro-green Internet search engine for climate alarmist orthodoxy.

My task: to prove that there is no such man or woman as a science graduate in the field of climatology. We can all do this test ourselves. Please try it when you’re alone and bored for five minutes waiting for next ‘gate’ to break.

Go searching for Bachelor of Science courses in climatology and guess what you find? Nothing!

But don’t be outdone – do what I did and lower your sights and just searched for ‘climate courses.’ In Britain I found very meager offerings. I clicked on one link that was Bangor University. Google tells me that Bangor can offer a ‘Part time evening course’ in climatology that has a duration of ’10 weeks.’ That would do very nicely, I thought. I could be signed up, in and out in flash and waving my proof of a climatic qualification quicker than Pachauri can be kicked out moved on from the chair of the IPCC.

Here is the route, my friends, to science funding heaven. All I now need is a couple of personal character references from a newspaper environmental correspondent or better still a Greenpeace or WWF activist and I’m ready to be fast-tracked to the loot at the next available government funded climatic research post.

But seriously! Surely somewhere universities will be doing some bona fide undergraduate courses in the climate science field? I then had my first brainwave – I’ll telephone the Admissions Office of the University of East Anglia, Norwich, England, home of currently suspended Climategate bad boy, Phil Jones, and ask them.

Bingo! I was on to something. I tried not to laugh as the refined tones of a charming lady proudly boasted at me down the phone that the University of East Anglia was the most prestigious university for Environmental Sciences in Britain – a position it has held for the last 30 years. Still the best of British – boy, there’s hubris for you!

And she gave me my scoop. Climate science at degree level will be taught in England for the first time later this year! Whoopee! Heavens be praised! I think I was supposed to be impressed. At last the planet has the prospect of one day seeing a handful of graduates who can genuinely call themselves fully qualified climatologists. She eagerly took my name and address and promised me she would ‘pop a prospectus in the post today.’

So all you bright young 18-year-olds, here’s your chance. Britain’s ‘most prestigious’ climate research establishment are now recruiting for the first time ever so come buy your Bachelor Degree in Climate Science from the Britain’s finest sellers of snake oil.

I felt I was on a roll and now broadened my search internationally. I took a punt at that other disgraced Climategate climatologist, Michael Mann’s university: Penn. State, to see what that fine institution could offer a budding climatologist – nothing. Not even the prospect of a bachelor of science in climatology on the horizon. Plenty of ‘Earth Science’ stuff there and courses for ‘educators’ seeking to add to their ‘knowledge’ on climate issues – another ‘save the polar bears – hug some trees’ bucket of excrement to plop into the impressionable minds of little kids.

I wondered if perhaps the paucity of climate courses at Penn. State had more than a little to do with the fact Michael Mann is not too popular on campus. Not that it is for me to be the first to relate that the mad Mann is known there as “the foolish consistency – the hobgoblin of little minds,” after Ralph Waldo Emerson.

But then those who know the Mann know he is a counter of tree rings unable to differentiate between ocean sediments and coral terrestrial deposits. Institutions needing to employ his services can hardly be expected to train enquiring minds in the ways of stochastic calculus, the Wiener process or how to model Brownian motion climate models that have a better rate of climate prediction than me flipping a coin?

But to learn from Mann is at least to know self doubt – that secret angst not revealed by his public personna. The little tree-hugging hobbit needed a hug himself when that nasty British climatologist, Keith Briffa of the UEA stated in those infamous leaked emails that quite frankly our little Mann was wrong about recent warming. Cruel ogre, Briffa sent the head-scratching, diminutive chap into a spin when he announced,

“I believe that the recent warmth was probably matched about 1000 years ago. “

This being such a remarkable statement that seriously undermined the whole ruse that the goblin and his gang must tell all the boys and girls that our modern warm temperatures were “unprecedented.”

Little Mickey responded to this catastrophic development thus:

“I walked into this hornet’s nest this morning! Keith and Phil Jones have both raised some very good points. And I should point out that Chris Folland, through no fault of his own, but probably through me not conveying my thoughts very clearly to the others, definitely overstates any singular confidence I have in my own (Mann and coworkers’) results.“

In other words, Mann has no confidence in his own results! But did he come clean on this revelation? Not on your life! Tut, tut, if we’re not careful here, the whole field of climatology not just that damned global warming theory, risk being consigned permanently to the dustbin marked ‘incredulous’ along with alchemy and astrology.

I really think our little mischief maker ought to sign up at UEA next Fall – he might learn something!