– Comments, shares, likes, and anything else that gets people to come here are appreciated, as always. If you can start one of those Reddit threads where people are all, “oh yeah, I like this column,” I will mail you candy.

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And now, with 100% fewer helicopter entrances, it’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 29, 2013.

1. The Ole chants got associated with Joe’s kick outside the guard rails because English Soccer Hooligans showed up at an RoH show in England and they thought him kicking Zebra Kid in the face agaist the guard rail was cool so they chanted it. The dorks in America picked it up soon after.

2. Ryback is close to just here to make money Batista levels. I like to think failing to get Henry up for the Shell Shock at Mania sent him into such a furious rage that he no longer is a slave to his hunger. Though he picked up Henry right after, it was again a moment of such humiliation that he was just like, “What the fuck am I doing?”. Of course, this is all accidental and they think they are showing him to be a “coward”.

3. Roman Reigns as the power guy who Muderdeathkills guys because he’s the ultimate Spear and nothing can stop him. And Rollins or Ambrose plays the Shield roll, distracting the opposition for Roman to impale the enemy. And yet, they’re still dangerous and can knock you out just like a Shield bash. It works really well.

As a recent convert to NXT, I really don’t want any of those guys, except Bo Dallas obviously, to leave! In fact, I would be happy if they had Cesaro go down there full time, or at least more often, him vs. PAC a few weeks ago was amazing.

I honestly wouldn’t have minded them bringing up Summer Rae eventually. I don’t care for her, but I don’t hate her, either. However, I now resent that she got on TV before Paige and Emma. And she’s not an adequate full-time replacement for Fandango’s lady friend.

She is really stiff, and, let’s face it, not nearly as pretty as nameless dancer lady. I think Curtis has got a lot better at dancing since the gimmick began, and at this point he’s a better dancer than Summer.

It seems like a recurring theme with WWE developmental. You think they’re gonna call up top guys but always call up the mid people first. I remember a Cornette shoot where back when he was booking OVW he kept pushing WWE to call up Nick Dinsmore but called up Orlando Jordan and Mark Jindrak instead.

I’m more than a little ashamed to admit that I was secretly pseudo-hoping Ryback would come out and trash Cena for parading out a bunch of little kids to make everyone love him. Although, to be fair, in this fantasy, obviously, Ryback and Cena would have sat with the kids backstage and explained to them what was about to happen and the fact that he didn’t mean what he was about to say and also maybe Ryback gave them all epic piggyback rides.

Gah. That Team Ziggy/Kaitlyn/Nattie segment will teach me not to wander away for too long during commercial breaks. I saw the ladies talking about the hat, but I missed the part before. I saw a screen cap later, and I was like “WAIT, AJ WAS THERE?!”

So, last night was apparently “crib from 90s football movies” night. Lawler’s “She broke my heart so I broke her jaw” song was lifted straight from Varsity Blues and Cena’s “hurt vs injured” spiel is from James Caan’s character in The Program.

So my car didn’t start this morning. I checked on the internet and it sounds like my Passlock is going bad. The thing that prevents my car from being stolen is preventing me from starting my car. But the Best/Worst is sure to make my crappy day better.

Nah. I have a backup key I only use when I lose the key or take it the shop. It didn’t work. I was able to reset it (thank you internet), but at the rate its going, I expect it to fall apart like the Bluesmobile in the Blues Brothers any day now.

Great job as always. Loved it. I just wanted to say that:
“Maybe it’s from the woman’s point of view and the joke is that SHE broke HIS jaw”
is also terrible. I know it’s different and not the same, I’m not doing a “men are the oppressed ones now thing.” I’m saying that there is no justification for this comment by Lawler.

I wish I could have enjoyed this week’s RAW based on the wrestling alone, but I can’t. I just can’t. Perhaps I just have insane standards, but good wrestling matches with all the wrong people winning isn’t good enough. Cody’s never going to win against Orton, and Orton has no business going over ANYONE right now due to his injuries and wellness policy violations. I’m tired of Ziggler needing massive support to beat losers with worthless belts and I’m just tired period of Cesaro losing, even if it was against Del Rio.

With all that said, I might have enjoyed those matches more (along with the some of the show) if the announcers were simply muted. Cole and Lawler are fucking terrible and JBL isn’t helping either. I’m tired of the endless plugging during the broadcast (seriously, this company has to be losing money if they are this desperate to plug Domino’s) and I don’t want to watch a goddamn Divas reality show. I want them to wrestle. In the ring. Preferably after the Bellas are future endeavored for good.

I might be too hard on the product right now, sure. But WWE has SO MUCH TALENT and even a monkey could do better than Creative right now.

^ I thought our punishment for Jersey was Cesaro always losing, Ziggler losing even while champ and Triple H going over Bork until he thinks we’ll give him the send off he thinks he deserves? Also, Daniel Bryan stuck in tag team hell and Punk on a vacation.

Well, I mean, if ‘good person’ vs ‘bad person’ is determined purely by how many points a person has in each column, maybe that’s a concern. But something tells me Cena’s not thinking “Shit, if I’m gonna get into heaven, I’d better do something to cancel out all the extramarital boinking.”

Maybe I’m just super gullible, but I think if Cena was only doing the company mandated amount of wish making he could’ve slid by with a hell of a lot less than 300. Cena the Dude seems like a pretty rad guy in that respect.

This just seems like the kind of PR thing designed to get Cena over, and it doesn’t work on me. Maybe I’m too cynical, I don’t know… but “hey! hey! look how much charity work Cena does!!! please like him, thanks!” is all I hear/feel when they run this stuff.

I kinda hear you, man. But at the same time, the WWE runs a lot of promos that boast about how much charity work they do (and they do engage in a lot). And, besides that, Cena (as much as I hate hate hate hate hate hate…sorry…uh, keys were stuck, swear) does a ton of Make-A-Wish stuff as mentioned above that goes way, way beyond the one promo from Monday’s show.

@Iron Mike Sharpie — I totally get why that is a good thing and should be celebrated. The cynic in me sees their over-promotion of their own charity work as a clear ploy to get people to think they’re all a bunch of good dudes in spite of what we might hear from others. It never feels authentic to me. The best example of this is the repeated ‘Be A Star video package followed by babyfaces acting like asshole bullies.’

If it was all for the genuine act of charity, then I think it would be a hell of a lot more private. I hope that makes sense.

I legitimately don’t understand what the point of Randy Orton is anymore, nor why so many crowds go absolutely apeshit for him. His character might be even more stale than Cena’s right now—at least that guy is involved in storylines. Randy sleepwalks through every single week. So boring to watch.

I’ve noticed a couple times now– last night and last week’s Smackdown, I think– that Orton went out of his way to hype the crowd before he went for the RKO. It’s like it bothers him that people are indifferent.
And maybe I just haven’t really *watched* an Orton match in a while, but does he always go so slow? He was really milking several spots last night.

I actually thought his last two Raw matches seemed like he was legitimately more interested in being there almost…ALMOST…like he reads Best / Worst and couldn’t look at himself in the mirror after reading all the truth about his less-than-stellar persona and in-ring performances.

I will go ahead and be the Randy Orton apologist. Tons of my wrestlebros hate him(Seriously, ask comedian Mike Lawrence his feelings on Randy Orton and enjoy the next ten minutes of your life), but I’ve never had a problem with the guy. Yes, he’s been stale as fuck and mailing it in for awhile now, but last night didn’t feel like that. I honeslty think that crowd after Wrestlemania might have motivated him, because when he wants to he can be great. I dig his moveset. The Garvin stomp is dope, RKO is great, ddt off the rope used to be awesome, til he started just throwing dudes onto the rope just to do the move, which is annoying, and the man fucking BROUGHT BACK THE SLINGSHOT SUPLEX, my favorite move as a child(Blanchard FTW!!) Has he been lazy as fuck in the ring since his last wellness suspension? Absolutely. Is his character stale? Yes. But what he did last night shows he can definitely be good at professional wrestling when he wants to be.

to clarify: I am kind of sorry for this representation of strong wrestling ladies but mostly excited to veg out to some trash featuring people I am already narratively interested in. Also I feel like Asparagus the Wonder Dog will be there! And also the Bellas’s dogs! DOGS! DOGS I KNOW FROM TWITTER!

I actually kinda thought that Rhodes/Orton match was pretty dull, especially considering the amount of time they gave them. It was mostly filler until the end and then it started to get mildly interesting after Orton hit the overhead head-and-arm Tazplex. Rhodes’s RKO counter was boss but even the ending was ruined by “Randy Orton Turns Finisher Into RKO #475.” Then the BEYOND pointless interview after the match where Orton talks (in the least emotive voice he can muster) about how he’s never been so EXTREME (except for, you know, that time Mick Foley slammed him into a pile of thumbtacks…but I guess that doesn’t count for some reason).

“Because the only two things they know how to do with women are

1. Put them in battles royal
2. Have them bump into each other backstage and call each other names”

You forgot: “3. Have them stand around backstage talking about how much prettier and more important they are than everyone else to show how totally heel they are”

About the dance-off, let me just go on record saying that any excuse for Khali to both talk AND dance in one segment is a Best for me. Also, it was vaguely genius to put Khali in that segment because they needed someone who would absolutely without a doubt get more crowd noise than Fandango for their dancing and Khali dancing is more entertaining than like 85% of what’s on WWE television.

Finally, one of the most annoying things about Cena has always been what a goofball cheerleader he is for other faces whenever they’re even remotely on his side. It’s the main reason he got flattened by Ryback in the first place. I don’t care how much of a face you are, unless you’re in a stable, you’re still competing AGAINST all other faces, even if they are temporarily on your team at one point or another. Cena’s cheerleading bullshit just makes him look like a guy who desperately wants not only the fans but other wrestlers to like him.

Here’s a list of (full-time) current WWE superstars who, at least for me, have been made to look better than the reigning World Heavyweight Champion:
John Cena (which I guess is fair enough since he’s the other world champion)
CM Punk
Randy Orton
Sheamus
The Big Show
Mark Henry
Ryback
Alberto Del Rio
Jack Swagger
Big E Langston (his BODYGUARD)
All three members of the Shield
and maybe Team Hell No.

Get your shit together, WWE. You let your NEW world champion get pinned clean one week into his reign and have him struggle to beat your resident mid-card champion and/or jobber this week. I know he beat Jericho in between, but that’s not exactly anything special these days (Jericho’s record since his Royal Rumble return is 6-12, so anyone who beats him now doesn’t really look especially strong). If things continue this way he’ll come across as arguably the weakest WHC in the belt’s 10+ year history.

I think the vast majority of wrestling fans have absolutely no clue about a WWE superstar’s won-loss record unless WWE Creative want to call specific attention to it (i.e. the length of Punk’s reign as champion). All they know is that Cole and Lawler hype up Jericho as the first-ever unified champ and blah blah blah so it still sounds like he’s awesome even if he’s rocking up-jumped jobber status now.

Iron Mike: I agree, to a point. Wrestling really is an Orwellian kind of thing where reality is whatever they tell us it is. That’s why I take solace in the fact that the commentators still talk at length about how tough Cesaro is; rather than regarding him as a yodelling goof.
…That said, I still have to believe that most wrestling fans (outside of little kids) do have a general idea of– if not a win/loss *record*– at least a losing streak, and things like that.

I wonder if those Make A Wish kids were sad because while their wish was to be on Raw it was NOT to meet John Cena but the only way to get on TV was to show up w/ him. I can only hope one of them has Dean Ambrose as their favorite wrestler.

I can’t explain how excited I am for a real Kaitlyn/AJ feud. It writes itself, really. And I never realised how good AJ is at being a real piece of shit in the ring. The couple of times I’ve seen AJ and Kaitlyn duke it out, I always find myself shouting “NARRGGHH GIT ‘ER KAITLYN” at the screen like no other match.

Agreed. About wanting the feud, anyway. Just seeing them get to work together makes me happy for them.
I think I said this somewhere last night, but I hate the fact that, when the commentators talk about AJ’s title match, they say “sometime in the future.” Like the creative team hasn’t even decided if they care enough to do it at Extreme Rules, or if they’ll just throw it on a random Raw.

The Chickbusters match was my number 1 most anticipated match for Wrestlemania until I realized they hadn’t actually booked that match for Wrestlemania. When they eventually get around to feuding them properly, it’s going to be amazing. They’ve already had a few great matches on NXT. They’re both getting pretty good. AJ takes a spear like a champ.

I think WWE could make more money with AJ as a babyface (with Kaitlyn as her Ricardo to AJ’s Del Rio) but she’s a better character as a heel (same way I feel for D-Bry). I’ve always loved her schitck as the meanest hot girl since Michelle McCool (her FCW character has translated to WWE well), so I’m happy where she is. I hope she and Kaitlyn get a 2 out 3 falls match and blow the roof off the place.

Tough choice. I recently rewatched the HBK-Mankind match from the Mind Games PPV, so that’s what comes to mind. Great match, awful ending. I guess that’s what I’d rather have, though. We can always remind ourselves “wins and losses don’t matter,” and just enjoy the match we saw before the bad ending.

This and Danielle’s Best/Worst of Impact have been almost single-handedly responsible for getting me back into fake fighting and even inspired me to start writing about it in my own blog. It’s nice to have smart wrestling fans to share triumphs and disappointments with again. Keep it up!

I’m still hoping that Mark Henry is the official personality changer. I just want him to come along and keep beating-up and dominating his opponent until they change, like Ryback. Hopefully, he does the same for Sheamus, then Daniel Bryan and shaves Zack Ryder’s hair in between those two.

Is there a site that keeps track of the win/loss records for WWE? I have a theory that due to a combination of baby face invincibility and not being in any important stories where he’d have to lose, Randy Orton has won more matches in the last few years than anyone else in the company.

I guess I’m really late to party in terms of putting this into words, but I really, REALLY hate this thing that WWE has where the good guys are all big, dumb, unlikable jerks and all the bad guys are logical, intelligent-sounding people who utilize critical thinking and smart wrestling. It’s becoming actually upsetting to have to listen to Cole and Lawler decry the Shield and Rhodes Scholars for using actual, legitimate tag team wrestling tactics, while singing the praises of Seamus who…well, did what he did on Raw last night.

I always suspected Sheamus keeps fucking up Mark Henry’s shit because they have a beef going. Dude’s being a dick, no question, but in the context of their current program, which is based around sneak attacks from behind and using everything to their advantage to get ahead, I think it’s fine. Faces have done much worse, like, remember Shane McMahon kicking Kane into a fiery grave? Should we be celebrating the murder of another man, so long as that man is heel, and has a electro-stimulation fetish he likes to play up every now and then (see also: that one segment where he shoots lightning bolts with his mind)? Naw. I doubt it. But to each their own, Brando.

One last worst that Brandon touched up upon. Adults with a tenth of a brain knows that wrestlers don’t eat Dominos Pizza. Why in the hell isn’t the WWE teaming up with healthy food products (Subway doesn’t count as it’s basically garbage) to promote a healthier lifestyle for the type 2 diabetes fat kids that watch their programming? We know it’s the parent’s responsibility to feed their kid healthy food, but, most don’t know how to do such a thing. So why not do it through Jern, Sheamus, Bryan, etc?

Because they want money. Whole Foods probably isn’t going to advertise with WWE. But Dominos will. It’s not that much different from when Lawler used to read copy for Butterfinger on-air. They just turned it into a dumb bit to showcase Dominos’ online tracking thing. (Which, by the way, is incredibly stupid. If a pizza takes so damn long that you need to *track* it, order from someone else.)

And at least they didn’t have *the wrestlers* eating Dominos backstage, like they did with Subway. It’s perfectly believable that Cole and Lawler would eat that crap (even though they didn’t have to on-air).

Sure they do. Lots of wrestlers get chubby on the road, and even if they don’t, enough exercise can offset any amount of Domino’s. Wrestlers are on the road almost every day, they often find themselves eating at whatever place is convenient in the city they’re in. Daniel Bryan talked about it a good bit when he was vegan, how hard it was to find places that he could eat with the guys. You think a Jack Swagger can exercise bad enough judgment to be DUI with marijuana while he’s working up to his title shot at Wrestlemania but the entire roster is above ordering the occasional pizza? I find this logic suspect.

This is true. In sports, generally speaking, almost everybody is “hurt” but playing through being hurt is just a matter of toughness. Being “injured,” on the other hand, means that if you play through, you risk doing further damage to yourself. It sounds like an arbitrary distinction and it’s a very fine line but it’s definitely a real thing.

On the “what was Cody going for” point: You should know by now, Brandon, that the Flying Nothing is a move with a rich wrestling legacy. I’ve seen guys doing it for decades; leaping gleefully into breadbasket punches, to take a foot to the jaw from someone lying flat on their back, or to be caught in a wide palette of finishing slams, drops, and strikes. As an aficionado of the sport, I’m frankly shocked that you don’t know a Flying Nothing when you see one.

I had to Google that, because I don’t remember it at all. That match was in 2010, right? I don’t think a midcard match from 2 1/2 years ago warrants an “Ugh, they already (almost) did this” kind of reaction.

You can’t remember matches from 18 months ago? Talk about a short attention span. It had a very creative finish with Dolph grabbing the strap after Jack let it go. I thought it was a great midcard match. I don’t think this ER match will top it. If you can’t top the original, you shouldn’t do the match again.

Well, I can’t remember midcard matches on PPVs I didn’t see. So, no, I don’t remember it. And the majority of the audience probably doesn’t remember or care either. Even if they did, the stakes are (theoretically) higher now with the WHC on the line.
Plus, Ricardo/Zeb/Big E & AJ are in the mix. The match might be a mess, but it will certainly be different than the other one you mentioned.