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Hello, Jaded

This should be for when I feel like I am not going anywhere, not making any difference, or not doing enough where I am in social work.

蜻蜓/pepatung/dragonfly
荷叶孤浮水面上，
带着莲花之盼望。
水底海草蜻蜓迷，
放纵自己去探索。

The most part of this month was grappling with wanting to be free.

Free to do what, and from what?

To do what I want, both in social justice and interfaith work and what-not to change the world, and more frivolous stuff like going where I want when I want (i.e. alone).

To be free from being bound to imperfect systems- in my mind operationalised as getting told what to do regardless of whether I choose to or not. (But the root of it is, I realise, I hate getting told what to do especially when I feel like it constrains the create-tive use of my time)

Are you truly free?
For what seemed like a long struggle, I didn't want to accept that in many senses, I am not free to do as I please. Resentment would be riled up when I perceived that my time was given where I didn't want to. Angry at how come I can't be free to hike alone in Singapore, just because I'm a girl.Felt a bit tied down to my family, especially parents. Need to fulfill my ministry commitments (which at the end of my term which has not ended, is very much system-maintenance function which at various points I found very burdensome).

Is being a 'free agent' what you really want?
In other words, what would I have wanted then? Is this ideal, ideal?

2 June Update

I just realised as I was heading home. That this is a scrawled resolution to the watercolour above. I wasn't even really thinking as I drew this out of boredom/needing to focus my attention on something else so I can focus on what was being said.

Hello friends. You all have reminded me that when He calls me into a community of saints, He bids me come and die. Thank You for the journey we have together, albeit we must walk alone wherever the call is to. And so, I see how our individual stories with You are intertwined in such marvelous ways <3