17 Facial Hair Styles Women Hate

One of the great things about being a guy is having the ability to grow hair on your face. But with great power comes great responsibility, and if you grow a stupid facial hair pattern, women are going to be repelled. So we rounded up some female stylists, writers and comedians to find out which whisker looks turn off the fairer sex. Turns out there are quite a few…

The Chin Strap“First of all, it looks like the crotch of a stripper from upstate New York. I would know, I'm from there. Second of all, you should not be allowed to wear this unless you own a storage facility.” —Jessimae Peluso , standup comedian and prolific tweeter

The Riff Raff“There is only one guy in the world who can pull of the ‘I went to Thailand and some hookers went to town on my face while I was passed out on the beach’ look, and you're looking at him.” —Michelle Ong, writer, UrbanDaddy

The Flavor Saver“Gross, slob. Why are we ‘saving flavor’? That sounds like something a serial killer does to remember his victims. Why don't you do us all a solid, and wash that lint trap once in a while?” —Peluso

The Bushy Beard“While it might signal your healthy testosterone production and impress other men, we're left wondering how our face and other sensitive areas might fare.” —Liz Finkelstein, personal stylist, Mile High Style

The Mustache/Porn Stache“The mustache is classy, for someone who owns a popcorn company or shines shoes for a living. I hope your girlfriend shaves, because when you go down on her, all that hair rubbing together could start a forest fire, literally.” —Peluso

The Goatee“This is predominantly done to cover up a chin situation—too small or too many. But it's more unsightly than whatever you're covering up.” —Finkelstein

Seriously: The Goatee“I call this the date rape special. You know who can only sport a goatee and look good? Puerto Ricans, Brad Pitt in the ’90s and Chaz Bono. Other than that even goats aren’t down.” —Peluso

The Patchy Growth“A man's facial hair should look like Manhattan, not the Northwest Territories. Barren, unconnected patches of hair just make us think of pubes. Gross but true.” —Lena Sutherland, co-host,While the Men Watch

The Johnny Depp (except on Johnny Depp)“ ‘The Johnny Depp’ is the most pretentious facial hair one can sport, so unless you own a chateau, smell like raw leather and sage berries and refer to Keith Richards as your spirit animal, leave this one for the professional. 21 Jump Street didn't even see this sexiness coming.” —Peluso

The Pointed Sideburns“Sideburns are meant to look natural and complement a guy's style. When they are groomed in the shape of triangles, your ‘natural’ cover is blown.” —Nichole Green, hairstylist, Lady Jane’s Haircuts for Men

The Bushy Sideburns“Hey John Adams, I don't know where you think you're going with those cheek chinchillas. Hey do us a favor: unless you're robbing a bank in the early 1900s, trim those puppies down.” —Peluso

White Patches“This is different than a salt-and-pepper beard—which most women love. Lone white patches that just show up in the midst of dark facial hair freak us out. Hit up some Just for Men please.” —Sutherland

The Muttonchops“For some reason dudes who rock mutton chops tend to enjoy knitting and mixology as pastimes. If the side of your face looks like my dad's bulge in the ’80s, we can't be friends.” —Peluso

The Lemmy“This is a handlebar that has gone so far off the deep end, it's now making a sad face. You know you're in trouble when your own beard is bummed out by how terrible you look.” —Ong

The Amish Beard“Only the Amish should sport this mess. If you don't bake your own bread, milk your own cows and raise your own barns, you aren't in this club!” —Peluso

The Super Bushy Beard (aka, The ZZ Top)“Do you cast spells? Are you from Narnia? If you can't open a portal to another dimension, then please open your shaving kit.” —Peluso

The Hairy Neck“Ok, I can't. Enough is enough. Unless your name is William Wallace or Maximus Decimus Meridius, then your neck should remain smooth. But if you build ships as a hobby, then be my guest.” —Peluso