Friday, September 30, 2011

The funniest thing you ever saw? No, not this post. Erm, not even close. I mean, what is the funniest thing you ever witnessed with your own two eyes? No TV episodes or whatever. Like, only things that happened right there in front of you. I ask, because I've had nothing but a steaming serving of hectic on my plate ever since school started back up. And hectic isn't even a noun. I'm frazzled and snappy and generally in no mood to blog lately. So, I'm hoping that some of ya can share some truly funny things that'll make me stop wanting to blow up the entire universe.

First of all, there is a nice city park about a block from where I work. Back in the olden days when I had some time, I'd go there and chill during my lunch hour. One time in the park there was a little girl, probably about 5, who had a goat. On a leash. Yes, a goat on a leash. The goat was small, so it was either young or some kind of pygmy breed. Anyway, she was trying to walk the goat. Goat was having none of it. Little girl was yanking on the leash and yelling "C'mon! Walk! C'mon! You're making me mad!" and stuff like that. But the goat just leaned back and resisted her every tug. This went on for some minutes and was quite hilarious in itself. But then the goat ran out of patience. It put its head down and rammed the little girl right in the chest and knocked her totally kaflooey. Into a mud puddle. Ha! I would be world famous if I had put that on YouTube but there was no YouTube at the time so now I'm even more angry. My best shot at fame and fortune ruined by non-existence of YouTube. Grrr.

The other event was more recent. I was sitting in the car while my wife went inside the 7-11. Out comes a tall, lanky college kid with a case of cheap 40 ouncers. He stepped onto his skateboard with one foot. He lifted the case of bad barley up above his shoulder, with his hand below. Like how a waiter brings a big tray of food. He steadied himself. He adjusted the case of beer. He steadied himself some more. He pushed off with his other foot to begin skating. He made it about 18" before his wheels hit the seam in the concrete sidewalk and FACEPLANT! Eff-bombs aplenty! Suds on the sidewalk! He inspected the case and found about half were broken. Then he really started rattling off eff-bombs. Sounded like an auctioneer on amphetamines. Complete with the dejected fist-waving air-punches of raw anger. I could not stifle my laughter. He gave me the stinkeye but I didn't care. It was awesome. YouTube existed at that time. I could have been famous and had millions of views. But I didn't have a camera with me and I probably wouldn't have thought to record the event anyway. Fame continues to elude me.

By now you've probably noticed that all the things I enjoy most are based on another person's misery. I'm not sure what that says about me. Nothing good, no doubt. But I don't care. They were funny events. Ha!

Your turn.

**UPDATE:

This is working pretty well. Good stuff in the comments. Already, I feel a little less like blowing up the universe. Six's comment reminds me of another story. But I didn't see it first hand. Fortunately (unfortunately?) it happened to a former co-worker...

Back in '96 we had our "hundred year flood." It was pretty crazy. We all decided to end the workday early and head home before we got stranded, 'cuz the authorities were talking about closing some bridges. One guy lived out in the country south of town, which is all just really level farm and pasture land. Basically, it looked like one giant lake and it wasn't real clear where the roadway was. He was carefully heading south, but the water was getting deeper and he started to worry that even in his lifted Toyota 4x4 truck he might stall out. So he tried to flip a U-turn. As I mentioned, it was REAL HARD to know where the road was. He got a little off and the truck went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out. So there he was, sitting in his dead truck, not knowing what to do, when a Benton County Sheriff Deputy rolls up. He explained what happened and the deputy laid into him rudely "How stupid does a guy have to be to drive right off the road? I can't believe this. People as dumb as you shouldn't even have a license!" Etc, etc. "Now I can't continue my patrol because I've got a brainless dumbass blocking the road in his stalled-out truck." So the deputy tried to flip a u-turn and head back toward town. Deputy got a little off and his Crown Vic went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out. A few days later when things were dried out enough to come back to work, co-worker reported that "the cost of calling a tow truck was worth it just for the laughs I got when that sheriff stalled in the water!!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

1. Yes, I REALLY AM that happy to be here
2. Do not be alarmed by my resemblance to Tony Blair
3. Zere are many tinks in this room that I vould like to burn. Dat incloods peoples.
4. Wunner if m' treestand will support my lardy self for one more season.
5. Let's win one for the Gipper!
6. Hey, Gipper! Hands to yourself!
7. My testicle itches
8. And mom said my degree in International Jute Fiber Marketing would never get me anywhere. Ha!
9. If the Secret Service weren't here, I'd smack him right in the back of that ugly head!
10. Someday I hope to land a role as a compassionate judge in a courtroom drama series on the Lifetime Network
11. Thinking about blowing up Kaffir makes me smile
12. I am better at Wii Sports than anyone in this room
13. I'm half the man I used to be
14. I'm only here to make Barry's ears look normal
15. Eww! Why does his hand smell like lutefisk?
16. Chickens! Comin' home, to roost!
17. Can you believe I was able to sneak in here?
18. Whoa! Should not have done a nitrate popper just before the photo shoot!
19. If I don't get at least $5000/month in alimony, I'm hiring a hit man to take out my ex.
20. ???????????
21. But they said there would be table tennis!
22. I think I am the only normal person here
23. Hi! I'm Hugo Chavez and I lost 90 lbs using Nutrisystem!
24. No, I saw you take brand new slurpee cup. You no get refill price.
25. Darn. If I'd known I'd be in the front row I'd have worn decent slacks.
26. Wommyn of the world, unite! Subvert the Patriarchy!
27. I hope this is just a fart... Dang! It was not just a fart.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It finally happened... That event that proves I am old. Old and losing it...

OK. Back in July my daily driver crapped out. Yeah, I blogged all about it so I won't re-hash the whole ordeal. In its place I bought a modern (boring) 4-door family sedan. Major brand, popular model, yadda yadda. Metallic Gold paint. I see duplicates of my car everywhere. I'm not complaining - it is the nicest car I've owned. Not the coolest by a long shot, but the nicest.

So a few minutes ago, I'm coming out of the bank lobby... My peabrain is pre-occupied with trying to figure out how far that money I just deposited is going to go... I grab the door handle and start to get in the car. My brain silently says "what is all that crap doing in my back seat?" just as my rump is about to land on the upholstery. Note - the brain didn't say "oh crap! this ain't yer car!" but it should have.

I hastily de-carred, shut the door, and scampered over to MY car, which was one row over.

Ooops.

I used to think I officially became old when music from high school started playing on the oldies station. Nah. That was just middle age. Now I am officially old.

Speaking of bad end, my Beavers had a bye this week. Which makes it the third week in a row that they haven't shown up. Lost at home to bunch of middle-schoolers in week 1, then got shut out by Wisconsin in week 2. Sure, Wisconsin was ranked. But they're Big-10. So it wasn't like ranked-ranked. My Beavs take on now-U-C-L-A-now-you-don't next week.

If the Beavs start conference play with a win, I'll go back to normal....

Otherwise, I'm stuck being an LSU fan for a while. ELL! ESS! YOOOO!

As a recent convert to LSUism, let's recap the season so far:
Week 1. LSU Tigers 'gainst the Oregon Ducks. Last season, the Ducks put up 40+ points and 500+ yards on just about everybody. But against LSU's defense, the Ducks looked like a palsy-stricken monkey running with scissors. Ugly but comical.

Tigers ate 'em up like it was Foie Gras night at
Cajun Carl's Mobile Snack Shack.

Week 2: LSU beats up the Northwest Louisiana Fly-tying Academy.
Week 3: LSU beats up Mississippi State. No doubt some sportswriters are voting LSU to be #1 in the upcoming polls. Not enough to unseat the other guys, but still...

Speaking of the other guys

Ohio State played Miami of Flarda. It might appear to be a non-consequential non-conference non-game, but the winner gets 50% off at their next bail hearing. So there was a lot on the line. 'Canes win. Drug dealers throughout the land rejoiced much. These are two teams I really can't stand. Too bad a giant mechanical manta ray from outer space didn't come down and just devour both teams. I guess the giant mechanical manta ray from outer space has better taste than that or something.

#1 Oklahoma beat #5 FSU. Not sure who thought the 'Noles were all that. But they're a Florida school so they'll probably still be in the top 10 next week. Gack.

#2 Alabama whooped on North Texas. They should lose a spot in the rankings for only beating them by 41.

#4 Boise State, looking less Smurfy this season, beat Rutgers. Or was it Inner Memphis Community College. Wait, I think it was Toledo. Maybe it really doesn't matter.

#6 Stanford beat Arizona. Stanford is for real. They have a reputation for being the West Coast version of an Ivy Leaguer, but they're fer reals. NFL teams are already losing on purpose to get a chance at drafting Andrew Luck.

#9 Texas A&M tried to show the SEC "Hey, we belong!" by squishing the Idaho Vandals. Hey, guys. Know what? It didn't help.

#19 Baylor (wait! did I just say that?) was slaughtering some screwball school from Austin. When you're getting killed by Baylor by 49 points and then the game is called on account of lightning, it is proof that God doesn't like you. Find another way to spend your Saturday afternoons.

Vanderbilt is 3-0. I think this means that the Mayans were right about the world coming to an end in 2012.

For a Big-10 team, I don't mind Iowa too much. Prolly 'cuz they remind me of my Steelers. Who also won today.

Georgia beat Coast Carolina by 59. But Coast Carolina shut 'em out in the 4th quarter. Tells me that the Bulldawgs just don't know how to finish off an opponent.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Many of you also read Andy's Place. So many of ya already know of the little deal I made with Andy: that if his LSU Tigers beat the detestable ducks in week 1, I would don the fabled LSU chickenhat and post pixelated proof to all the world. Well, that's exactly what happened. Below are the pictures. Obligatory FDA notice: viewing these is not recommended for people with high cholesterol, compromised immune systems, or incontinence problems...

Lookee me! I'm a tough gangsta just like all those SEC
kiddies and if you look close you can see
where my chimichanga exploded on my shirt

OK. That was fun. For a second or two... Now what?

Oh, yeah! Me gots idea!

Death to ducks! Death to all things ducklike!!!!
(Unfortunately, this camera angle doesn't capture the full
intensity of my duckdeath scowl)

Andy also guilt-tripped asked my nicely to take over Sunday Morning Quarterback chores this week. I've agreed. Good Lord willin' and the Earth don't warm, that'll be up tomorrow. Yes, I've saved a couple chickenpix for that glorious event. In the meantime, I wanna know what are your thoughts on all this conference realignment stuff going on. The way I see it, the Big 12 was the first attempt at making a Super Conference. We see how that's working out...

Now the Texas fAggies want into the SEC. And the Oklahoma schools are actually yappin' 'bout joining the Pac-12. Ugh. When the Arizona schools joined in 1978, one could argue that they were kinda Pacificky enough to qualify, 'cuz to the west there was only a couple hundred miles of Mexico Southern California between them and the beach. And to the south there was only a couple hundred miles of Mexico between them and the Gulf of California which is actually Mexican waters so you can see how it gets confusing. The Oklahoma schools will have to ride the train to the Mississsippi and then float around the Yucatan and go through the Panama Canal and then north a long ways just to even get to the Gulf of California. Scheduling nightmare and not very Pacificky. At all.

Plus, I don't like the idea of two orange-n-black OSUs in the same conference. 'Specially when the new one is better than the old one. And I gotta ask Staci (thanks for the follow!) what the bloody heck is "Boomer Sooner!"?? I've heard of Boomer Esiason. And I know that Sooner or later everybody ends up in the Pac-X conference. But I don't understand the connect...

PS - that's a real 48-star flag in the background. My great uncle worked at Mare Island Naval Shipyard during WWII. That flag was going to be used on a war vessel but we nuked the Japs before the ship was finished so he ended up with the flag. I don't want to display it where it could be damaged so nowadays it does duty obscuring the nasty old paneling that remains on just one wall in my place.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Michigan is trending red so hopefully Arabic-speaking welfare bums will start to feel a little uncomfortable soon. Maybe even feel all oppressed and stuff and want to move back to Yemen. But I kind of doubt it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Seen the headline on Drudge? Barry's Organizing for America has a new website called attackwatch where the Hitler Youth people can rat out their neighbors for saying/doing attacky stuff. I'm tempted to sign up and submit my own blog posts. Might help boost my traffic. Then again, there may not be enough people who give a rip about whether attacky stuff is happening to barry for me to notice. I'd probably just get a lot of cuss-word-and-typo-laden crap comments from anonymous moonbats.

Thoughts?

**UPDATE

This is ALMOST enough to make me sign up for twitter. Almost. I particularly like "I just saw 6 ATMs in an alley killing a job. Looks like a hate crime."

Friday, September 9, 2011

Governor Palin rides her modified snowmachine across the plains of the Upper Midwest, toward that familiar landmark. She finds Governor Perry some distance away, looking disoriented.

[Governor Perry] "Hello, Sarah. What's going on? Why am I here?"

[Palin] "The Elders have summoned you subliminally. It is good that you have responded. Now, help me find the trap door."

[Perry] "Trap door?"

[Palin] "Yes. There is a secret meeting place far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore."

[Perry] "Is this another one of your media events? A reality show?"

[Palin] "No. Yay! I found the door. Now follow me."

The trapdoor is lifted, revealing a narrow stairway that descends into complete darkness. The two begin their downward climb.

[Perry, flipping open his cell phone] "You've been here before?"

[Palin] "You betcha."

[Perry] "Then why didn't you think to bring a couple flashlights? It's darker than Cheney's soul at midnight down here."

[Palin, playfully] "Scared?"

[Perry] "No. Cthulhu has nightmares about me. But how far down do these stairs go? The only question I have is when we'll get to the bottom. It's like waiting for you to decide whether to announce your candidacy or not."

Nothing happens. Perry unholsters his .88 Magnum and takes aim at the door. "I'm feeling a little crabby about Mitt bein' a lyin' punk 'bout my position on Social Security. Plus, I really don't have time for nonsense while my home state is on fire. So, door, ya got 3 seconds to open b'fore I waste ya."

[Palin] "Wait! I tried the same thing. It doesn't work. 'Friend and enter!' "

[Jindal, removing magic ring] "One day during the gulf oil spill, I was out on the beach playing with a tarball when I found this ring. I put it on, and it made me invisible. I haven't taken it off since."

[Casey] "Ah, that explains a lot."

[Perry, to Casey] "I thought you were dead."

[Casey, aside to audience] "Do we reallllly have to explain that during every episode?"

[Casey] "Governor Perry, you are here for a very important purpose. You might be the one that the prophecy speaks of. The one who will restore balance to the right/left continuum. But first you must pass some tests."

[Casey] "Not that kind of test. We need to find out if you are conservative enough to inherit the mantle of The Reagan and counterbalance the millions of mess-in-their-drawers moonbat proglodytes out there who want to destroy America."

[Perry] "Now we're talkin'."

[Casey] "Mr. Cheney, your question."

[Cheney] "Governor, while it is still just the beginning phases of the campaign season, you are already butting heads with Mitt Romney. Assuming you win the nomination, how will you patch things up? How will you keep from alienating Mr. Romney's supporters?"

[Perry] "I know a real good taxidermist. He can put a couple longhorns on the side of Mitt's head, which I'll then mount on the hood of m' truck. Then I'll tell people "Mitt is out front, leadin' the way and I'm right behind him."

[Cheney laughs]

[Fred Thompson] "Tell us about you 2nd Amendment position, including hunters' rights."

[Perry] "I'll take any one of ya bird huntin' right now if you care to step outside."

[Cheney, belly laugh]

[Perry] "And I don't need no 12ga. I can feed a family of 10 all the bird they can eat, and all I need is a stick of juicy fruit and a flyswatter."

[Thompson] "OK, I can kinda/sorta see how a flyswatter may apply, but I don't get the chewing gum thing."

[Perry] "Gum? Naw. 'Stick of juicy fruit' means 'fat homo tied to a pole' where I come from. 'Cept maybe in Austin. The usual Texas rules don't seem to apply 'round there. The fat homo will shriek and flail his arms and pretty much act like a real believable scarecrow, sending the birds my way. Which I then catch in my bare hands."

Chuck Norris springs into action. Briefly. Then collapses in a pain-ridden heap on the cold, stony floor. A trio of Sports & Exercise Science majors arrive with a 5 gallon bucket of Icy Hot and an airless paint sprayer. They quickly apply a generous coat of the liniment to the writhing Norris.

[Chuck, doing one of those reverse handspring things, landing on his feet] "Much better! Thank you!" [performs spinning double-axle upside-down backfist with a cherry on top, right on Cheney's sternum]

[Cheney awakens]

[Jindal] "Are you OK????"

[Cheney] "The heart ain't working right, but my blood is still moving at about 300mph so I should be alright for a while."

[Jindal] "Governor Perry, as President, how would you encourage job creation?"

[Perry] "Ain't ya a little young to be counted among the Elders?"

[Jindal] "Well, it's kind of a long story..."

[Perry] "Anyway, I'd tell Big Oil 'here is your danged drilling permit. You have 20 minutes to start pulling crude outta that hole, or I'll kick ya so hard your proctologist will be able to identify what species of snake my snakeskin boots are made of, based only on the boot-burn I leave on you bottom.' "

[Casey, Palin, Jindal, Cheney and Thompson all nod in agreement] [together] "I think we have a winner!"

The pResident and first lady are getting themselves ready for the big, big speech to the Joint Session of Congress (that Boehner punked them on. Hee) You know, the one nobody will watch because A. Nobody Cares and B. There's a pretty decent football game on.

[MichelleO] "Aw, cheer up! Just because nobody likes you and come election time people are going to treat you like a baby treats a diaper, well, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun in the remaining year and a half."

[Obama] "Remember that time when the Fonz made a mistake, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say the words? He just kinda stammered 'cuz it was so out-of-character for him to fail?"

[MichelleO] "I have no idea what you're talking about. Must've been some stupid middle-America white people show that you gramma used to watch. When I was growing up, we watched The Jeffersons and Sanford and Son."

[Obama] "OK, the Fonz was the epitome of coolness. He could just snap his fingers and two hotties would instantly appear at either side of him."

[MichelleO] "Kinda like you, three years ago."

[Obama] "Exactly. But one time he was wrong. He tried to admit it, but it just came out 'wro... wro...' like the sound of an old Plymouth with a weak battery."

[MichelleO] "This is the strangest conversation we've ever had."

[Obama] "What I'm trying to say, is that I su... s... suc... su... See!? I suck so bad I can't even say 'suck' without sucking at it."

[MichelleO, twinkle in her eye] "That was cute! Like when you try to talk without the teleprompter."

[Obama] "You're not helping. At all."

[MichelleO] "Alright, you want help? I'll give ya help. What you need to do is go out and look presidential. That vacation in Martha's Vineyard was a good start, but we really need to up your game. Where do you want to go next?"

[Obama] "Away."

[MichelleO] "Oh, pooh! Let's go somewhere fun! Somewhere tropical! Somewhere we'll never be able to afford on you post-presidential pension. 'Cuz I don't foresee people offering you a real job after this is over. We're gonna have to make do on your pension. We won't have too many more chances to have the taxpayers send us on a vacay. So let's go BIG!"