Search

Don’t know about you, but I love going out to eat. Dinner and drinks with friends a couple times a week is ideal for me. But going out to eat with a group of people can quickly get frustrating if you are dining out with even one cheap asshole, let alone multiple. Here are a few of the most common scenarios that cheap assholes might add to your plate:

The Asshole Who Is Rude To The Server: How embarrassing is it when someone you are with is rude to the wait staff? I have always thought that waiting tables has to be the most annoying job in the world. On your feet all day. Carrying around giant platters of drinks and hot food while tipsy patrons walk around aimlessly looking for the bathroom, bumping into shit all over the place. I feel guilty even asking for a refill when the restaurant is busy and the waiter is looking flustered, so I try to be as polite as possible, thanking the fuck out of the waitstaff and what not. Think about how picky the public is with their food, and think about how much abuse waiters get when the food isn’t up to par? Realistically the waiters are just the messengers, taking the order, and bringing the order out after the chef cooks it. No need to be a total douchebag to the waitstaff over something that is not their fault. It makes you look bad and embarrasses the people you are with. Just because it is this person’s job to serve you, doesn’t mean you are above them. You should be polite and nice, as you should be to everyone who has done nothing to deserve harsh treatment. Being rude to for no good reason doesn’t make you look better than anyone, it only makes you look like the scum of the earth.

The Asshole Who Doesn’t Understand That Food Is Taxed: Brush up on your US history/common knowledge. Food is taxed. Incorporate that tax into you bill. Then pay it, asshole.

The Asshole Who Undertips: Undertipping is bad enough, but my biggest pet peeve is when someone undertips and are a part of a giant group. Say you go out at as a group to an upscale restaurant that adds gratuity to the bill and some cheap asshole you are with doesn’t even take a look at the bill and does not realize that the gratuity was automatically added in. I mean, I think you should just assume it is added in so you can avoid being an asshole/people thinking you are cheap, but that’s just me. Anyways, said cheap asshole believes the service wasn’t that great (you probably notice this particular person ALWAYS believes the service isn’t up to their standard, but when you are one person serving a table of 10, consider how difficult it is to serve to perfection). Due to the service being sub-par, this person decides they will only leave 15%. Uhh, but 20% was added in. So unless this person puts aside their pride and throws in the extra few bucks, the bill will be short, and in the midst of confusion that happens when 10 people are trying to figure out a bill with 10 meals and 30 drinks on it, someone who paid enough usually will have to cough up more money because there is ONE cheap asshole in the mix. If there is more than one cheap asshole in the mix, the pot grows bigger and while they intended only to be a douche to the waitstaff, they’ve managed to also be a douche to their friends. Ugh.

The Asshole Who Dips Out Early Without Leaving Enough: I find that 7 out of 10 times that one member of the party leaves early, they don’t leave enough money because they conveniently forget that they had 5 mixed drinks as opposed to the 3 they think they had. Then you feel petty calling them out because it’s only a few bucks. Sorry that you like to think you aren’t a lush, but you are, so you might want to wait for the bill next time before bouncing out. If you aren’t going to split it evenly with the rest of the party you are with, try not to dip til it’s figured out.

The Asshole Who Is Obsessively & Precisely Cheap: No matter the size of the group dining together, could be two people, could be 15, I hate when people are obsessively precise about what is owed. It’s much easier on everyone to just split the bill evenly (unless you have someone who chronically orders tons of appetizers and pricey drinks). That said, if you owe $2.50 less than the person you are with because the mozza-fucking-rella sticks were cheaper than the muchos nachos, why not just take it as a loss and split the bill right down the middle? Are people really THAT petty? We are speaking about a few dollars here, guy. Don’t be an idiot.

The Asshole Who Refuses To Buy A Round: This scenario is more of a bar scene issue. Ever been with that guy who has never reciprocated when you buy a round? And people always warn you not to get a round when you are with that guy, but let’s face it, you’re drunk and happy so you yell out “Next rounds on me!”! and you include him/her in it because you aren’t petty. When someone buys me a drink, I try my very best to reciprocate and if it’s the end of the night and you have no time to grab another round, you give this person a verbal I owe you, or throw them a couple bucks if they sprung for like 5 peoples’ drinks. Check yourself before you wreck yourself: reciprocate. People notice if you are a chronic offender.

The Asshole Who Remembers Ever Single Time You Owe Them A Drink: I guess this kind of stems off the “I owe you” thing. And I also guess maybe I am a sucker, but if someone owes me a drink, I’m not going to bring it up 2 minutes into sitting down at the bar. I like to think I’m not petty and cheap enough to harass someone into buying me a $4 draft beer. Nothing more annoying than hearing “Remember that time last November I bought you that Shipyard Pumpkin?”. No, I don’t, because it’s 4 months later and I can afford my own Shipyard Pumpkin and if I couldn’t I probably shouldn’t be sitting on a bar stool, rather on a beat up futon in my mom’s basement sipping on Miller High Life that I stole from my dad (my mom doesn’t have a futon in her basement, I just wanted to express that if you can’t afford a beer, you have bigger problems than worrying about who owes you beer money from months prior). I’m always grateful when someone is nice and buys me a drink. But that doesn’t mean they need to hound me to reciprocate. At some point, I will hit you back.

The Asshole Who Busts Out A Calculator Rather Than Rounding Up: It’s fine to use technology to make sure you are tipping properly, but no need to bust out your Samsung fucking Galaxy to divide the tax evenly. It’s calling ROUNDING UP and it only costs you a couple cents. I mean, you serious?

The common denominator here is that sometimes us non cheap assholes feel petty calling out those cheap assholes for being cheap. We feel petty because we don’t care about throwing in an extra few dollars so we can enjoy dinner and drinks and a fun night. So we say nothing. And the cheap assholes don’t know they are being cheap assholes. To all you non cheap assholes out there, I recommend that you send this blog to your cheap asshole friends so they get the hint by the end of this paragraph. Or just stop going out to eat with them, either or. No one likes a cheapy.