Okay, now that I have played Homestuck a little bit, I'm now ready to help.

Right now, your fic is set up for Homestuck fans, and only Homestuck fans. I was completely lost when I read through, before playing Homestuck. As long as you're okay with this, it's fine. Just letting you know that your target audience is somewhat limited.

I won't go to specific grammar details here, because no one else has and I'm wondering if this is what this thread is for, but there is room for improvement. I spotted some mistakes that could easily be ironed out with some proofreading. I would work on spotting these mistakes, and fixing them. Perhaps even waiting a day, reading your work again, and then posting it. I think it would help with the grammar.

The reason Homestuck got popular, was because it had a flash to go with it. Since this story doesn't have a visual aid, it tends to read a little dry. A bit more description would help, but make it stray from the Homestuck format, which you have right now. I could see hardcore Homestuck fans getting into this, because of the nostalgia value, but I'm afraid that you'll pretty much lose everyone else. Sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I always aim to give an honest review, so that's what I'll do. The fic can work, but it's going to be a challenge (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).