Laughing Stalk is a weekly newspaper humor column about current events and personal observations. It's published in ten weekly newspapers and the world's first online alt newspaper, The American Reporter.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Dear December 12, 2012

Dear December 12, 2012,

Thanks to our technology in the 22nd century, we're able to respond to the letter you sent us 100 years ago. (Editor's note: see last week's column).

However, this is a costly and energy consuming endeavor, so we are only able to do this once. Still, our energy creation is rather easy.

As you said, we have seen Back to the Future, and many of the "futuristic" inventions in the movie, while laughable in their primitiveness (we were surprised at how many of them missed the mark), ended up inspiring many of the products we have today. Just like your Star Trek first inspired cellular phones and tablet computers, some of the Back to the Future inventions inspired ours.

In 2089, the first Mr. Fusion car power supply was invented, which solved the world trash crisis. In fact, thanks to the environmental policies you created in the 21st century, there is now very little garbage, so we face an energy crisis similar to your own oil crises of 1977 – 2037. And our children are so capable of handling new technology that many of them are given a My First Clone game when they turn five.

We're actually watching our own 12-12-12 concert, and everyone is geeking out over the concert on Badjer, a communication tool similar to Twitter that we use on our iPhone 23s, which are embedded into our bodies.

Keith Richards still looks great. He has amazed everyone at his longevity — 168 years is a long time. He's playing with Trevor Jagger and the 7th generation of the Rolling Stones.

Don't worry, Kanye West won't be around for much longer. In 2018, he and his wife, Kim Kardashian, will be exiled to a leper colony on a small island in Indonesia. Surprisingly, however, they become missionaries to the colony, and actually create a cure for leprosy. The two will share a Nobel prize in 2047, and he will be knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2048. (By the way, that old bat doesn't die until 2063.) The West-Kardashians remained happily married until their deaths in 2051.

In 2112, we now have 54 states. Puerto Rico became a state in 2016, and was followed by Quebec, Ontario, Alberta, and Manitoba (thanks in no small part to Prime Minister Justin Bieber's incompetence that ultimately bankrupted Canada).

On the other hand, Texas seceded in 2021, after President Hilary Clinton was re-elected. They had been threatening to do it since 2012 when you re-elected President Obama, and after eight years of their whining, the rest of the country said, "Meh, let 'em go." After that, the American economy blossomed, and there has been prosperity and personal growth ever since.

We did cure cancer, and we even cured AIDS. We also embraced the gluten-free, dairy-free, meat-free lifestyle so much that everyone in North America is now susceptible to the common cold, which there is still no cure for. We live in fear of the next cold epidemic.

On the plus side, no one smokes, no one eats unhealthy food, and no one drinks alcohol. We all live to be in our 120s, easily, and most of our seniors (100 years and older) spend their time questioning whether it was really worth living this long without cigarettes, beer, and cheeseburgers.

We also became a world of yoga and tai chi practitioners. While we're all very flexible and have excellent centers of gravity, no one knows how to fight. We were nearly conquered by Liechtenstein in 2087, and it was only because President Jake G.W. Bush ordered cold-infested blankets be sneaked into a few of their regiments that we were able to repel the invaders.

Yes, Hollywood did finally change, and became more creative. For 10 years, they produced some of the greatest movies in cinematic history. And then the Writers Strike of 2067 created massive riots, and Hollywood ultimately turned into a police state, where all the movie industry people were imprisoned. Now, most of our movies come from Australia.

Those few producers who had been out of LA during the riots have also moved to Australia and returned to movie making. This year alone saw three remakes of Lord of the Rings, a second version of Rocky XLVI, and Les Miserables was made 19 more times between 2012 and 2112.

But don't worry. We overcame many of your problems, created some of our own, and found ways to turn your disadvantages to our advantages. So, thank you.

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