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The Nobility of Lies and Perception of the Unicorn

Image from the movie Caberet

The weekly drama series House recently aired an episode in which the patient was in an honest open relationship. True to Hollywood style all was not as it seemed. The show was in many ways a train wreck of what can go wrong when people are not fully honest. The episode featured three stories, the open relationship, the cheating doctor and House’s best friend’s dishonesty about his feelings with his girlfriend and former wife.

The open relationship is greeted in the beginning with the doctors wagging their tongues about the impossibility of a couple have an open relationship and being happy. It is the “unicorn” they proclaim, it never truly works. The show goes on to show how the husband has been dishonest both in his feelings, his relationships and the couple’s money. He lies about being ok with an open marriage because he “loves” his wife so much. He does not want her to feel bad about what she is doing. This of course implies that the audience all knows that what she is doing is bad or wrong. According to the character House he lies about the money as a way to get even for her sleeping around. Her other partner shows up and is severely reprimanded for intruding on their family. They after all have to protect the sanctity of the family.

All of this is a reflection of people who wander out into the open relationship arena without a guide book or guide to help them through the process. Since most people have no models it can be very tricky to navigate the feelings and challenges that come when people open up their relationship whether to dating, swinging or polyamory. The show of course does not address this; it simply points fingers at how this kind of relationship never works. They never address the underlying real challenges that are basic lack of communication and honesty.

Meanwhile the cheating doctor, who was the one to speak out the loudest about the impracticality of an open relationship, brings the subject up to his wife. He is currently not cheating but has long history of doing so and is flirting with a nurse incessantly. His wife is hurt and angry but the next day gives him one night a week to do whatever. She declares she loves him and needs to accept who he is, a non-monogamous man. She does not however want to meet the women, hear about them or discuss any of it. Sounds promising and he immediately asks out the nurse. In the end his wife changes her mind and he insists it is fine that he really only wants her. A few days later he runs into the nurse and they leave in her car together after a passionate kiss. He is lying but he is doing it of course to protect his wife because he loves her.

The third somewhat back story is about the lack of honesty and communication House’s friend has with his former wife he is now dating again. He is not being honest about little things that annoy him and House makes sure to play it up. They fight but in the end they talk. They talk about how they really feel and in the end it heals much of their relationship. Wow, what a concept, honesty can be healing. Of course they are a happily monogamous couple.

It is great that Hollywood is including open relationships in their story lines. Other shows have also done this. Most of the time however, these relationships are shown to be isolated and highly dysfunctional. I do understand that many people are totally unaware that open relationships, swinging and polyamory even exist much less can and do function well for many people. These shows totally miss that often people in successful open type relationships have a culture, community and support system that can help them navigate these challenging relationship pitfalls. It is true that non-traditional open relationships can end in disaster and so do many traditional monogamous ones. Like monogamy, the open relationships that really work involve effort, communication, trust and honesty.

This episode of House was an example of the attitudes reflected in the greater society. The belief that lying to your partner can be noble and that honesty and openness never work even while the show is showing it does. It is a dichotomy of mixed messages. In truth people lie to their partner because they are afraid of confrontation, they are afraid to lose them and they are afraid of big boom arguments. They will hide their real feelings, live in unhappy and unfulfilled circumstances and let go of their real desires, needs and wants. We consider this noble. Where though is the intimacy? When you lie about who you are and what you want then you are sharing an illusion with others. With honesty and a willingness to truly be you, comes true intimacy. Is it easy? Often no, it is not. It is through the darkness and vulnerability we find ourselves and our partners. It can be an amazing journey that actually builds a stronger relationship as in the case of House’s friend. Yes, you can sometimes lose someone by being honest. In most cases this is not what happens and in those where it does both people usually end up glad to move on to a more appropriate relationship.

These concepts are probably too grown up for Hollywood at this point. Polyamory and open relating are still in the stages of being the joke. Change will come in time. More people are exploring polyamory and other open relationship styles, especially the younger generations. More shows are including open relating as a story line, albeit a disaster usually. We are making head way and things are changing. It would be nice if there was more awareness of the polyamory movement and the organizations, books and people available to help those exploring navigate the pitfalls of multi-partnered relating.

Lying results in loss of trust, which leads to insecurity, jealousy, drama and many challenges for the people involved. Often when spouses cheat the biggest challenge is building trust again. Lying is not noble and really not done out of love but out of fear. It takes guts, respect and tremendous love to be really honest in our culture.

Honest open relationships where all parties are happy, included and family, are not mythological, they do exist. They are not so different from anything else. They are based on love, and work best when all parties are honest, considerate and real about their needs. Like all relationships they are challenging long term and require us to deal with our insecurities, fears and see ourselves clearly. The rewards are numerous from expanded love and family to adventure and exploring sexuality. Each person in this world is different, for some monogamy is fantastic for other swinging is great and for some it is polyamory, most share a desire for intimacy, honesty, connection and most of all love.

Robyn is the Executive Director of Loving More Non-Profit, a national leader for polyamory awareness, polyamory counselor, workshop facilitator and writer. Since 2004 Robyn has worked to expand media awareness of polyamory appearing in numerous articles, radio shows and TV. Robyn and Loving More were instrumental in the formation of Polyamory Leadership Network. A national speaker and advocate for polyamory she has been a speaker at conferences, taught at universities and been a featured keynote speaker. Robyn has been openly polyamorous for 23 years, raising three children in a polyamorous family. Robyn has been running polyamory support groups, teaching and facilitating relationship and sexuality workshop since 1999. In addition she counsels polyamorous individuals and families. Currently Robyn is working on two polyamory related books.

We poly movers and shakers have been ecstatic about the amount of media coverage that polyamoruy has been getting. In print and online media the subject is usually treated fairly these days. But broadcast media is a different situation, especially TV. Our needs and their needs are the oppposite. Ironically, our successful open, honest and functional relationships are boring compared to the drama of those that don’t work. Translation: Ratings disaster.

Our interests are served by being portrayed as honest, ethical, committed, and not that much different than anyone else. Their interests are served by sensationalizing, dramatizing, and even demonizing what we do in order to achieve the desired effect. And I suspect that there are still some producers who worry about the flak they will get, especially from sponsors, if they portray open and honest extramarital relationships as healthy and legitimate. (House is on Fox, after all.) But things can turn around. Jenny Block, who was talked over and not given a fair chance when a guest on Fox’s Mornings with Mike and Juliet (more about that at http://vb.ly/29ru) now has a regular sex blog on fox.com. You can see that at (http://vb.ly/29rv). Go figure. NOT someone who wrote a book about hot monogamy, not a sexologist, but instead a bisexual woman who wrote a book about her open marriage.

Aside: I’m not sure how that qualifies one to give sex advice and hope that her credibility isn’t founded in the perception that she’s a slut. And to be fair to my friend, she *is* a wonderful writer.

So I guess we take the good with the bad and indeed look forward to the day when our functioning relationships are more consistently and fairly portrayed by broadcast media.

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