Trends I Won’t Touch.

I’m noticing as I age, I’m better able to assess the rank stupidity of fashion and beauty trends. Follow along:

Not even happening.

1. Face contouring. I’m not drawing various shades of brown and beige clown makeup on my face, then “blending” it in. I have 10 minutes in the morning, TOPS. The world is just going to have to deal with my sub-par, non-contoured face.

5. Neon anything -Been there, done that, circa 1984. See: Madonna, Borderline video. The only way neon is going to be on my body anywhere is if I’m running outside at night and I don’t want to get hit by a car.

6. “Chaotic” mascara – Tammy Faye Baker? Paging Tammy Faye?

7. High-waist pants – I’ve had two children. Need I say any more? The higher the waist, the bigger your ass looks.

8. Bell-shaped sleeves. Listen, I’m a spiller. You don’t want me at your dinner party with sleeves on that can drag food and red wine all over your house. Trust me on this. I will take one for the team here and be hopelessly out of style so I can eat and drink and come home minus a cleaning bill from my host.

Comfy! Not!

9. Waist Trainers – So, I thought we let those all go in the early 20th century, right around the time women achieved the right to vote. Back in the day, they were called “corsets,” and they actually contributed to the oppression of women. YOU try breathing in those things. Go ahead. I’ll just be waiting over here in my yoga pants, you know, breathing.

10. Denim overalls. Flashback to Weezer and her tomatoes in Steel Magnolias.

11. Period-stain Instagrams – I’m not ashamed of my period. Never have been. However, I don’t need to broadcast on social media that I’m in the middle of it. Nor do I need to run an entire marathon bleeding freely to make a point. I get through it, take care of business, and move on. No public documentation necessary. Note: Nor will I Instagram my hot flashes. I won’t be ashamed of those, either. Just gonna get through them and move on. Try it.

12. Thong or thong-ish underwear. Now, this is a perpetual trend that I have abandoned. I’m no longer willing to wear dental floss in my ass to avoid VPL (visible panty lines.) At 46 years old I don’t care if my panty lines show. My ass comfort is more important. If you notice my VPL, quit looking at my ass.

I am un-contoured, comfortable, hair-free, stain-free, I can breathe freely and drink my wine without adding sleeve to it. In other words, I’ve reached a point where trends that don’t fit into my life are trends I don’t follow. FREEEDDDDOMMMMMM. Try it.