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What Defines You?

I cried myself to sleep for months after losing our daughter Preslee. Pat had a difficult time sleeping, and would often stay awake on our couch, rather than tossing and turning in bed all night. One morning he walked into our bedroom, after he had listened to me cry myself to sleep the night before, and lovingly said:

“I don’t want Preslee’s death to define us. I don’t want to be known as that couple whose lives fell apart when they lost their daughter and they never truly lived again.”

These are the words that come to mind when I find myself struggling. I’m lucky he’s been the one by my side through everything.

Fast forward two years later, which was just last summer. I’d reached a point where I no longer grieved heavily on a daily basis, and rarely cried myself to sleep anymore. But one summer night, I remember struggling more than usual. Ledger was already in bed, and I decided to take a drive by myself, which is always a safe place to break down and cry. Before long, I found myself on the way to the cemetery. I pulled in front of Preslee’s headstone, and cried while listening to one of my favorite cds, that’s when the distinct thought came to my mind:

“Make it count. Make the time we are separated count, so when we are reunited, we'll both be able to say it was worth all the hard work.”

I immediately felt comforted, and sat contemplating those words. How do I make it count? I thought about the New Year’s Resolution I had made 7 months earlier, I was trying to figure out a way fill the ache I had as a mother to physically do something for my daughter. I wanted more Preslee time in my life, and more moments to feel like her mom again. I decided I would still make time for her, and pray for guidance to serve in a unique situation every single month. After thinking of my resolution, the thought came to mind:

“That’s just the beginning.”

As 2013 rolled around, I thought of my experience at the cemetery, and once again made it my New Year’s resolution.

When I think back to Pat’s words, and my experience at the cemetery, I realize with hard work, and keeping an eternal perspective, Preslee’s death doesn’t have to define us in a negative way, but rather, it can define us in a beautiful way. If we allow it to, our lives can be molded and shaped into something that wasn’t possible before we experienced the heartache and tears. My hope is that years down the road, Pat and I will be able to make every second of our life count. I sincerely hope service becomes second nature to us and is being acted upon a daily basis. I pray we won’t neglect anything the Lord needs us to accomplish.

When we are reunited with our daughter in future, I really do hope all three of us will be able to say:

“It really was worth it, wasn’t it?”

This brings me back to my question, “What Defines You?”

I’ve come to realize it’s often the most difficult and painful moments in our lives that determines who we choose to be.

You guys are amazing, to come through something so painful.. The hardest trial of them all. You guys have stuck to the lord, and didn't fall away from him during this tragedy. I can't imagine ever loosing my son, and am not sure I could deal with it like you guys have and still do. You guys are the strongest, most beautiful family I know, and I look up to you guys. Oh, and congratulations on your twins! :)

Thank you so much for this post! I have often been afraid that my girls' death will define my life in a negative way. I don't want that but I've had a difficult time finding a way to change it. This helped me a lot.

I love this. I lost my dad last summer, unexpectedly. I found myself thinking that similar thought a few weeks back - like I was holding on to it and possibly letting it define me. I love how the Lord can let us see that it can define us - only in a beautiful way...like you said. He has this all planned out...we're just along for the ride. How blessed are we when we can hear His guidance, even thru all of the pain and tears. Thanks for sharing this! :)

Thank you for this post. I have never commented but started following a while back. Your blog is an inspiration and I am truly grateful I can follow along through your journey. I have been experiencing the hardest trial in my life right now and this is what i needed to hear today, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ashley and Pat; I have been following you since sweet Preslee was in the hospital; I don't know you or your family but I know your uncle and you two bank where I work; I see Pat every once in awhile. I can't tell you how inspirational your blog is; you are two people walking out your walk for the Lord; I would define the two of you even though this has not been an easy experience: In a beaufiful way! You will see your daughter again and both parent and child will be proud of one another. Thank you for helping others see that there are things to learn though trials; experiences to experience and the Lords work to be done. Thank you for helping me see that if we look outside our own trials; others can have it worse and you can be a blessing to them. Reach out! Thank you for being you. Your little family is awesome and I know Preslee has welcomed each new sibling into her family before they ever cross the vail. Hugs! Debi

What a beautiful post! I for sure cried my eyes out! You are an amazing woman and mother! Keep your head up! I know you will for sure be able to say it was all worth it when you are reunited with your beautiful baby girl.

My hubby said the exact same thing to me a few short months after Nate died. My whole world was consumed with grief at the time and couldn't ever see a way that it wouldn't define us. I still think that it defines us. Most people don't have to bury their child. But, I want it to define us in a good way. I want people to see Jesus through us and see how He carried us through. I also want people to learn to RUN TO people that are hurting and NOT run away like our friends and family did. I think that is an important lesson that a lot of people need to learn.

You do have a way with words and putting things into a perfect perspective. When my husband passed away, and then only 7 months later both my parents were gone too....I wondered the same thing....how could I keep going? What would motivate me to get out of bed each day? First and foremost, the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His loving atonement made all the difference. I know He suffered many many things, even to the giving of His life for me so how could I not keep going when He wants so much for me to be happy. Then, my little grandson came along, just in time. I think I had to keep living for that wonderful little guy who helped me to be happy again. Now, when I think of my husband and parents, I try to do the same thing you do...ask myself if I am doing things that in the end will be worth it so that when I see my darling husband and my parents again, I can tell them all the wonderful things I did with my kids and their grandchild and the people who helped me and the people I helped along the way. I can't begin to imagine the loss of a child....but you have not let the loss of your precious Preslee hold you back....hold you back from happiness, from helping others, from being an example to many of us, and to keep the faith and trust that everything has its reason and that you and your husband will be together with all your children someday. I admire you so much and appreciate your wise words.

Thanks for these thoughts and wisdom. I honestly haven't experienced a severe amount of grief in my life, but I know I will some day. I hope and pray these words will replay in my mind and continue to make a difference in my relationship with the Lord. Thanks again for reminding me of God's command to serve.

You are such an amazing and eloquent young woman. In my 44 years I haven't gone through anything close to what you have...like another commenter stated, you make me want to be a better person also. You were given that beautiful angel for a reason! She had, and still has, a purpose. She chose her momma to be the messenger:)

It's true; we can't chose what happens to us, but we can chose how we respond--or as you said--who we chose to be. Thanks you for sharing your story and faith. There needs to be more talk about the REAL things in life, what really matters. So, thank you.

Also, it's inspiring to see a husband and wife who support each other through everything. I too am lucky enough to have a good husband who has the courage to tell me honestly and kindly what I need to hear, even when I don't always want to hear it.

There is a purpose and a plan for our little ones leaving us so early. I believe we will become great...you already are, im working on it through my grief. Thank you for your example and showing me that I can be happy and continue living in this life. (((HUGS)))

Ashley, I don't know you personally, but we have the same name :) I can't believe it I have been following your posts ever since you lost little Preslee and I STILL continue to be inspired by your thoughts and words. Thank you for being such an awesome example to the many people going through their own trials and adversities in life. It is so refreshing!

Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .