How to Receive Oral Sex the Right Way

Thank you for your interest oral sex etiquette. While it’s true that women actively pursue a good time, performing oral sex is not the act of martyrdom some would have you believe. You see, a lot of women have an innate attraction to the penis, or at least think it’s “neat.” Hence, the creation of sex toys, folks. So here’s your guide to making the experience enjoyable for all parties involved. It’s certainly possible, if you study up.

A 1993 survey concluded that 55 percent of women found oral sex “very normal,” 32 percent found it “all right,” 9 percent found it “kinky,” 4 percent found it “unusual,” and 1 percent didn’t realize there was any other kind. (Strangely, when subjects were asked about instant pudding, the responses were identical.) Another study from the ’90s, the unofficial “Decade of the Blow Job,” concluded that “twice as many women who went to college have given or received oral sex compared with those who did not finish high school,” which clears up a lot of confusion about the definition of “liberal arts.” According to sexuality educator Logan Levkoff, while many women do it simply out of reciprocity, “there are some women who love to give oral sex,” wanting nothing in return.

The best position to be in, ergonomically speaking, is whatever’s comfortable.

Dr. Jack Summers, director of research for San Francisco’s Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, says, “It’s just like sucking a Popsicle. It shouldn’t be any more ergonomically challenging.” In turn, Ted McIlvenna, president of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, has accumulated reams of data on this very subject. Upon learning of 13 cases of whiplash, he determined that “when you lean over too much, the jaw can be inconvenienced.” He suggests that anything that will make a man orgasm faster will help reduce the number of this kind of repetitive-motion injury. He says the “number-one culprit” of men not orgasming faster is drinking too much. So, don’t.

THE “NUMBER-ONE CULPRIT” OF MEN NOT ORGASMING FASTER IS DRINKING TOO MUCH. SO, DON’T.

But perhaps the problem is bigger than we know. In his research, McIlvenna found that women were less likely to speak up about these things than the men he spoke to, many of whom took issue with the inconvenient placement of several public glory holes. “They preferred a position where they could be on their hands and knees,” explains McIlvenna.

When in doubt, don’t use your hands.

I’ve put calls in to every living woman, and I’m still waiting to hear back from a couple, but so far, the rest of earth’s female population says that hand placement in relation to the head “is all in the attitude.”

We understand it’s natural for your hands to land on whatever’s in the vicinity (head, shoulders, soft-serve ice-cream machine, senator, whatever), and some good-natured hair-stroking shouldn’t be a problem. However, you must be very, very gentle. You’ll also want to avoid using your hands in a forceful, demeaning sort of way. Very few women are into that. The fact is, you needn’t feel pressure to do anything noteworthy with your hands. Idle hands are no longer the devil’s playthings.