4 HEY WORLD, HERE’S THAT NEW YES ALBUM YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Or not!

5 MUMBAI GETS EXPLODEY. The latest news: three killed, 25 injured in a series of explosions during rush hour in Mumbai. No one has claimed responsibility for the blasts yet.

6 REGRETTABLY GENERIC HEADLINE ABOUT GENITAL AMPUTATION. Maybe someday we’ll live in a world where a news item with the title “U.S. Woman Cuts off Husband’s Penis” will be prefaced with the words “In a startlingly unusual act…” but it looks like this is just another day in the Great 48 Below Us.