General MacArthur Revisits North Korea

August 18, 2018

I returned to the Philippines and even returned to the United States after an absence of fourteen years. But, regretfully, I have yet to return to Korea. I saved the Korean people, you’re no doubt aware. Communist hordes from the north, materially aided by the Chinese and Russians, invaded south and almost swept our disorganized allies into the sea. From my imperial perch in Japan I decided United Nations forces, principally comprised of Americans, must counterattack and crush the heathens. I then planned the inspired amphibious landing behind enemy lines at Inchon and we soon we had the communists retreating as we charged toward the Yalu River. The Chinese repeatedly warned us to stay away from their border. I planned to crush all resistance in Korea and seal the border with dozens of nuclear blasts.

Our abysmal reconnaissance, for which I cannot be held responsible, failed to detect three or four hundred thousand Chinese communists who slipped south across the Yalu River and routed our forces and again almost knocked us into the sea. I demanded we wage total war which President Truman resisted. Limited war is for cowards and second rate nations. I publicly rebuked him and he fired me, and I came home to deliver my eloquent Old Soldiers speech to Congress. What I said has proven correct. Don’t fight wars unless you seek absolute victory. Look what we have now in North Korea: a bulbous midget is threatening to fire nuclear warheads at American cities. Granted, he hasn’t said so recently. That’s irrelevant. I know what he’s still planning and working for.

President Trump, who should have continued to perform on reality TV, believes he made a great deal by forcing Kim Jong Un to promise, in an unenforceable way, that he plans to denuclearize the Korean Peninsula. Based on this farce, Trump is boasting he and his special diplomatic friend ended the North Korean nuclear threat. Additionally, and with gruesome fanfare, he’s begun celebrating the return of American soldiers who died sixty-five years ago. Meanwhile, devious North Koreans continue improving their nuclear warheads and ballistic missiles and determining how to better conceal their activities, and Trump tweets and bleats they aren’t testing their weapons and that we’ve ceased joint military exercises with South Korea.

Think of leaders like Roosevelt, Churchill, Stalin, even Truman, and then consider Trump. Despite being more than fifty years in my grave, that comparison rockets me back to full vigor and into a Pyongyang meeting room with Kim Jong Un.

“You’re not adhering to the spirit and terms of our agreement to denuclearize the Korean Peninsula,” I tell Kim.

“We have no reason to trust Americans who under your leadership slaughtered two million of my citizens and a similar number in Vietnam and hundreds of thousands in Iraq.”

“We really don’t have anything to negotiate, Chairman Kim. Either begin full and verifiable nuclear disarmament now or the following will take place. South Korea and Japan will begin building nuclear forces far more prodigious than yours. And the United States, at the propitious moment, will destroy your nuclear program.”

“You won’t get all our weapons.”

“We’ll get the majority.”

“We’ll strike South Korea and Japan with nuclear weapons. We’ll also devastate you. American cities will look like Hiroshima and Nagasaki.”

“You still can’t strike the sacred American homeland.”

“We’ll soon be able to.”

“I agree and therefore warn you that our existential moment is at hand.”