I want to be mature. I want to take the high road. I want to forget about you. More than that, I want to forgive you. I want to accept what you’ve done and move on from the memory of you.

Unfortunately, that is impossible for me. No matter how many times I tell myself you don’t matter, you are in the past, you don’t deserve a spot in my mind, I can’t seem to forget about everything you put me through. I can’t get over it.

When I think about you, I want to scream. I want to curse you out. I want to make you see what you’ve done to me. I want to tear apart your world the way you’ve torn apart mine. When I think of you, my thoughts are the darkest they have ever been. When I think of you, the claws come out.

Maybe the hatred I’m holding onto isn’t entirely unhealthy. Maybe it will act as a reminder to never settle for that kind of treatment again. To stay away from people like you. To avoid becoming someone like you.

Maybe this grudge will remind me to be more careful about who I let into my life. Maybe it will help me spot red flags early enough to run. Maybe it will save me from suffering through pain for a second round.

Even though, right now, I can’t stomach the thought of you, I am self-aware enough to know that one day, I probably will find peace with my memory of you. I probably will find a way to forgive you for all of the hurtful things that you’ve done — but it’s going to take time. It’s going to take growth.

I’m not there yet, and I’m not going to feel bad about that. I’m not going to apologize for being pissed about having my heart trampled. I’m not going to feel guilty about pushing someone away who treated me like shit.

I am human. I hold grudges. I contain hatred. You can’t blame me for that. You can’t blame me for having feelings. For getting upset when my world is flipped upside down. My reaction was natural.

I don’t care how many people tell me that anger is poison and that forgiving you will bring me peace. I am not going to let other people trick me into forgiving you. When I forgive you, it should be authentic. It should happen during my own time, when I’m really ready.

Right now, I’m not ready at all. Right now, there is no possible way I am going to sit in the same room as you. Or answer your texts. Or accept your friend requests. Right now, I can’t imagine forgiving you for the countless ways you have hurt me. I can’t imagine letting this pain go.

But one day, maybe I’ll change my mind about you. One day, maybe you will be a different person. One day, maybe you will earn my forgiveness.

“I hope you heal. I hope you find yourself again. I hope you find something that burns a fire in your soul. I hope you find the rays of sunlight even on your darkest days. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay.” — Shivani Sonawane