Thursday, December 23, 2010

CHRISTMAS IN JEOPARDY: SANTA ARRESTED IN NORTH POLE BUST!

Sad day folks. This just in.

AP- Santa was arrested last night after an anonymous tip was given to North Pole police about a drugged Santa causing havoc at a Christmas party.

Santa apparently attended a pre Christmas party with a few friends and things got out of control. Frosty the snowman was arrested for having hashish in his corn cob pipe while Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer, was arrested for snorting crack cocaine at the party. Details are sketchy but at least one eyewitness states "everyone always wondered why Rudolph's nose glowed. We could have told them this years ago."

We spoke with some elves, under condition of anonymity, and were told this is just the tip of the iceberg. They say more charges are forthcoming. They claim that some of the reindeer have substance abuse problems as well claiming that Blitzen "is always drunk which is why we named him Blitzen, Comet loves doing speed balls hence his name, Cupid is a pimp and Vixen is his main ho."

Never before has so much been shared about the inner workings of Santa at the North Pole.

According to one eyewitness, "no one knows what started this. Santa showed up his usual jolly old self, drank some egg nog and ate a candy cane. Within minutes, however, he was telling Mrs. Claus to get the hell away from him and screaming something about bringing on the ho's."

Meanwhile, details are now forthcoming that this is not the first time Santa has been in trouble. According to law enforcement officials Santa has been under investigation for months about possibly being the ring leader of a cocaine drug network that spans the globe.

One official claims that "Santa first came under suspicion last July. We were given a tip about a Christmas in July event and that automatically raised some red flags. Who would ever think of Christmas in July?When we asked Santa how he could do that since there would be no snow, traditionally associated with the Christmas season, he just smiled, winked, put his finger on his nose and said 'don't worry I'll supply the snow.' "

Additionally, the official stated that Santa's bank accounts had been frozen since September based on some faulty accounting practices. He stated "nowhere can we find receipts for any of the material used in the making of toys nor can we find any income paying for the items. This is an immediate concern. As this is not a government funded agency, nor has Santa applied for any US TARP bailout funds, then who is funding him?"

Santa's accountant, Jack Frost, has refused to be interviewed but did release a statement to the press.

"As Santa's official accountant I can assure you that everything is above board. I have done no wrongdoing with his accounts. Kids around the world depend on Santa to deliver their Christmas presents on time and on budget. How he pays for all this is no one's business."

But what is Santa's budget and how does he pay for it? According to IRS officials in America it most certainly is their business. "Anything of value is taxable. The fact that Santa has no way to show his expenses or income is a serious concern. There are many questions to be asked and answered. One, how can Santa have access to so much equipment and materials that he can make toys for all children around the globe. Two, are the elves paid? If so we have no record of any income taxes, SS taxes, or any other form of compensation to the US government for this labor."

When the elves were questioned they had much to say about working for Santa. They claimed that working conditions are horrible and include 16 hour days, seven days a week labor. When asked how much they were paid and what benefits they receive they laughed stating, "what pay and benefits? Santa has always told us not to worry about it since he was investing our money for our retirement. He went on to tell us when we requested some personal days or vacations that he 'lets us sleep 8 hours a day and that should be more than enough compensation.'" When asked if they at least had basic medical coverage they stated that they now had dental thanks to an elf named Hermie who is practicing without a license.

Head of the US Labor Department called these conditions deplorable but said there is not much that they can do. "We always knew there had to be a problem, but we don't involve ourselves in the rights of private business. It is up to Santa to negotiate with the elves and come to some sort of agreement."

Meanwhile the AFSCME in Louisville has volunteered to represent the elves in these negotiations. "We are already familiar with the inner workings of do nothing leadership as we have been under the reign of soon to be former Mayor Jerry Abramson and soon to be his latchkey kid replacement Greg Fischer. We know very well about poor working conditions and lack of real leadership in the workplace accordingly."

While there is still much to be learned it is now believed that Santa uses the word "snow" and "candy cane" to reference his real business as a drug dealer.

With two days left before Christmas one option for delivering presents lies in Santa's brother, Fred Claus. It is widely believed that he will be the one making deliveries this year. Fred stated, "hey it's a huge responsibility and while I may not get to everyone I will try to get to most. Hopefully the kids will understand."

1 comment:

Thank you for reading LNP. Open and honest discussions of local politics and relevant issues is important to voter understanding. Please listen to the "Ed Springston Show". We broadcast Monday through Thursday evenings at 7 PM on local media outlets. Please check for the links.Yours truly,Ed Springston

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