Jewish Kids Gone Wild

Have we given up teaching our children how to be a mensch?

The New York Times recently described the need to teach Jewish kids courses in Bar Mitzvah etiquette because their misbehavior at these religious events has become a great source of concern.

In addition to learning ballroom dancing and line dances like the Hustle, instructors teach the preteens that they should not destroy the centerpieces or steal the neon colored napkins and stick them on their heads like bandannas. They talk about grooming, too. The boys are told to pull up their sagging pants so that they don’t show off their boxers and the girls are instructed to pull down their tiny shrinking dresses so that they do not reveal a ridiculous amount of skin. (It may be easier to just say boys pull up and girls pull down.)

A mother describes kids being dropped off at the synagogue and ‘treating the joint like a mall’. Boys play tag football in the hall, girls text their friends while hanging out on the countertops in the bathroom, kids talk nonstop during services.

More and more people are noticing the lack of dignity and rude behavior displayed by kids at bar and bat mitzvahs. People return from these celebrations and they are appalled.

One school even has a mock service where teachers coach students how to sit quietly during prayers and how to listen as speeches are made by the rabbi and grandparents.

One course is called ‘Mitzvah Circuit 101’; I would simply call it ‘Being a Mensch.’

Why has it become ok ay for our teens to behave so rudely? To me, it is more than etiquette; we are not speaking here about learning how to use a knife and fork or how to write a thank you note. Sitting quietly during prayers, not talking while the rabbi and grandparents speak during the service, dressing with decency, not throwing food across the room, not destroying centerpieces – these are all behaviors that stem from the most basic level of respect. Not just for others, but even respect for oneself.

Being a mensch means that I know that wherever I go in life, I go with dignity.

Being a mensch means that I know that wherever I go in life, I go with dignity. It is apparent through the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I treat others, and yes, the way I dress and display myself.

Of course ‘kids will be kids,’ but there is an invisible line that has somehow been crossed. And we must figure out how to return our children to a place in life where they understand the difference once again between right and wrong; between behaviors that are fun and acceptable and that which is ugly, rude, and destructive.

The article asks the question: “Why the need for the new course after so many years? Do we expect our kids’ day school to be the primary teacher of proper behavior? Should we blame it on society? Should we blame it on parents?”

And the usual answers are given. The kids are too over programmed, they just can’t focus. The parents are part of this new generation. They have a different way of thinking; they don’t know better. It’s not their fault. Parents today are stressed out; they don’t have the time to properly raise their children.

What a cop out!

Of course we are all stressed-out, pressured, trying to make it in a world turned upside down. The recession has shaken our financial security. There are children who bring unexpected challenges that can sap the energy from our inner core. The world of Facebook and iPhone5 has snatched our attention away from those who matter most and allowed children and parents to live together in the same home but live completely separate lives.

But this does not give us a license to abdicate responsibility and drop our children off to behave and dress as they wish. Too many parents tell me that they just don’t have the strength to argue with their preteens and teens when it comes to how they act and what they wear. It feels as if a generation of mothers and fathers has just given up.

We cannot give up. We cannot afford to fail.

Raising children is a noble mission that begins from the very first moment we hold this new life in our arms. “Be fruitful and multiply” – in Hebrew, “pru u’revu” – we are told in the Torah. It is not sufficient to just give birth and have children. Our sages teach us that ‘revu’ means we must multiply and reproduce ourselves through our children. Children should resemble their parents not only physically, but spiritually and morally. When we plant and nurture seeds of decency and morality within our children we will sow fruits of dignity and respect as they grow.

It is not an easy mission. But we cannot raise a generation of children who will one day ask why we parents never taught them the basic skills of being a mensch.

Our children are watching us. They see how we behave when the rabbi speaks, they observe how we act during services, and they listen as we whisper to our seatmates instead of praying. They definitely notice how we dress and how much parents drink during these celebrations. If we genuinely want to make a change, we can begin by looking in the mirror.

We have within our hands the ability to transform the next generation. It is an opportunity that we cannot afford to miss.

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About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 14

(12)
Anonymous,
July 24, 2013 3:34 PM

At our son's bar mitzvah last year, his classmates and friends were very well behaved. They had a great time, ate, danced and sang, and were quiet during the speeches. Most of them came over to my husband and myself to say mazel tov and thank you before they left! It certainly is possible to raise a mentch in today's day and age - all is not lost..........!

(11)
Anonymous,
October 28, 2012 7:42 PM

enjoyed article. this happens also in Canada

how about teaching parents how to behave and dress at a Simcha? It is disgusting to see how the young women dress and talk in Shul. I am 85 and hate to think what the future generations will be like.

(10)
Anonymous,
October 28, 2012 5:06 AM

A very proud Jewish mother

My son just had his Bar Mitzvah. He had 16 boys celebrating with him. They were very well behaved and really joined in making my son feel very special at the Bar Mitzvah celebration. Of course they all dressed in their Shabbos suits. I've been to many Bar Mitzvahs in our community (Boro Park). I have only seen very mentchliche behavior.

(9)
Rob,
October 27, 2012 5:45 PM

Parents

I don't think kids misbehaving is a problem in the strict Othodox communities where there are many more kids attending Shul. These kids don't copy the rest of society. The problem is with the less religious Jews and not only them, it's prevalent in all society. Just go to any MacDonalds and you will see many small children misbehaving. Of course it's the parents fault. From those who think loud complaining is "cute" to those parents who just don't know how to discipline a toddler. Some just don't care. Toddlers who can't behave usually tunn into teenagers that don't behave.

Anonymous,
November 11, 2012 2:56 AM

I don't agree with your toddler statement

I disagree that a toddler who doesn't behave will grow up and not behave.

(8)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2012 2:32 PM

There are two (or more!) sides to this story ...

When I divorced, my son was eight years old; I knew that I wanted to build more stability in his life, he was getting closer to young adulthood, and soon he would begin preparing to become a bar mitzvah, so we affiliated with a shul and attended regularly. My son made friends and enjoyed being in shul ... which, despite finding him in the coatroom, often, playing with his friends, pleased me. I never had to cajole him into going to shul; he was always ready. When we had been attending less than a year, and my son who had been sitting with me in shul, started to talk and laugh. I walked him out immediately but not before a man complained that we should not have come. We struggle now with mass assimilation. What really makes a mensch? Is it a mini adult who has ideal manners? Or is it someone who accepts his fellow Jew and makes him and her feel welcome? I appreciate the criticisms; perhaps equally important is an eye on the big picture? My son is now on his own and no longer feels at home in shul. He lives by his Jewish values, and I pray that he will find a spot where he can be ... who he is. Something to think about. Something is missing. Sara Rigler's comments about her niece's intermarriage cannot be ignored. Yes, we pray and work and live and grow and learn ... and teach ... our children to grow up to become mensches. These mensches must believe in what they are doing; how do we do that?

(7)
Jonathan M,
October 23, 2012 12:08 AM

parents

It used to be the kids showing bad manners & it was up to their parents to correct them.
Now the sense of entitlement by so many parents often excuses their own bad manners in public. Who can blame their kids for following their example?

(6)
Barry,
October 22, 2012 3:30 PM

Parents stop making excuses!

The problem is not with the children it is with their parents. A parent has the responsibility to act as a parent. It is very easy to blame society but the buck stops with the parent. Too many parents are self centered and non respnsive. What do they expect from their children. We live in a culture of Do as I say and not do as I do. People are always coming up with excuses culture, economy, not my child but there friends, etc, Enouigh is enough if a parent would asct like an adult and take full resposibility for their children the problem would be solved. There will always be exception but most of the issues would be under control.

Chaviva,
October 23, 2012 10:10 AM

Parents slacking from their duty to discipline their kids

Parents these days would sooner be their children's best friends rather than be a role model for their kids to emulate. As a parent, your child needs you to raise him/her and set guidelines for him/her to follow. It is not your duty to be their shopping buddy nor playmate. Your children need you to parent them; not to be their bff. That is the problem most parents have these days. There is also a problem with parents being absent in their children's lives and dump them on their housekeeper to take care of them. This does not apply to women who recently had a baby and need an extra hand. I'm talking about those who entrust their kids with their housekeepers so they can go shopping,get their nails done, and go out for luncheons all day. While most people are financially tight and need to work long hours in order to make ends meet, they should not neglect their kids either.Either parents are confused with their role or they don't seem to care anymore. Either way, it hurts the child in the long run.

(5)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2012 10:25 AM

What encourages rude behavior

Unfortunately, rude behavior displayed by both adults and children alike has become prevalent in my generation, even almost considered the norm. We can delve into many factors that causes rude behavior and lack of decency in people and come to our own conclusions. Growing up, I was raised to help those in need whenever I could, address adults as they prefer,wait for others to speak before you speak, not be loud etc. Those values still resonate with me and I one day hope to nurture my children and mold them to being loving and caring individuals to my best ability. I am shockingly witnessing the exact opposite where I live. Children call adults by their first name whether they have consented to it or not, children answering back to adults in a disrespectful manner. The adults are not that much mature nor considerate either. People push by without saying "excuse me". People not saying "thank you" when others do a favor for them. They won't apologize not admit they are wrong. The When you politely rebuke them for their poor manners, they either shrug it off,yell back in and get self-righteous, or pretend to look confused. It saddens and almost frightens me to see what society has descended to. Good manners and respect seems to be lost these days. Either people are no longer capable of understanding what politeness is or they just don't care anymore who they offend. You can blame technology,pop culture, the media, or your children teachers for not inculcating in their students the importance of kavod habriot but ultimately the responsibility to raise your children to be mensches falls on your shoulders.

(4)
Mary Zinck,
October 22, 2012 1:39 AM

I agree with your comments.

Having people's cell phones going off at the kotel while you are trying to pray to Adonai is so distracting. Thank you for your article.

(3)
ruth housman,
October 21, 2012 11:27 PM

Children are not Yet Adults, thank God!

I teach children drama, and they are filled with energy, hi jinks, and mischief, and they also are loose and free, and I enjoy them so much. They are refreshing after a day of too proper "grown up" behavior. There are surely extremes in life, and being totally off the wall, is an extreme. But most kids will be kids, and love to kid around and have a little fun, and it's plain harmless. For me, the mensch part has to do with how they are with each other, and with us, in caring loving ways. And this is not necessarily about their exuberance with each other, but how they are, a truly soul thing, which I experience with children constantly.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2012 8:36 PM

Please see beamensch.com

Have we given up teaching our children how to be a mensch?
Please see beamensch.com

(1)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2012 11:23 AM

a teens view on her friends traits

I gre up in a home where focus was on being a mentch. While my peers were being taught to eat with a knife and fork, I was allowed to eat with my hands yet my parents were very into character traits. My parents themselves are perfect role models for character development. When I went out to the world and realized that adults are not all mentches and are kind. Okay, so maybe I still ate chicken with my hands in highschool, yet my classmates ate with a knife and fork, yet drew on the classroom walls and furniture. They do not respect the property of others. I suffered greatly by their irresponsibility as I was taught to be responsible by my parents. We were not allowed to give a commentary on the people that passed us in the street.. even if it was witty. My friends mothers still do this.. although it makes the car ride entertaining, it is also mean. My parents were very into our speech... not even the slightest fowl language was tolerated even words like calling someone else a lair was not allowed.
Also my parents led by example! They did not gossip about their peers, bad mouth the school, throw garbage on the ground...

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!