I fucked up.

I've fucked up I've never felt so stupid in my life.I'm pregnant very pregnant too far along to change way too far.I wanted this baby so much but I'm a selfish idiot.I'm on benefits ffs I can't afford to take my DD anywhere or give her anything near what she deserves and like a fucking idiot I've decided to bring another life into that.I suffer depression anxiety and a whole other host of shitty personality disorders including seperation anxiety in my late 20's I'm pathetic.My family hate me they don't speak with me. When certain members decide to its all about them anyway I just want them to care about me for once they've never ever done it so I don't know why I expect it now. I'd give everything up if they just loved me back. So childish.I'm trying so hard to hold it all together I don't have anyone but my DH and I hate myself for putting all this on him I wouldn't blame him if he hated me too.I can't cope. I can barely get out of bed I just sit here and cry all the time.

I'm such a selfish stupid awful person. I wish I could change things. DH is trying to get a job but I have panic attacks if he leaves me alone for too long I can't cope. So controlling and pathetic he wants to work and I'm holding him back because he's afraid to leave me alone.

I love him I love my DD and I want this baby so much but I fucked up all their lvies and they deserve so much better than me. I wish I could give it to them but I'm completely incapable of even looking after myself.

I'm so jealous of the peole around me who can cope with lfie who have family to care for them and love them. I even hate DH sometimes because even though his family is fucked up and emotionally abusive they love him and mine don't/

You are being far too hard on yourself. You don't sound at all well - please go to GP - there are lots of tablets that are safe in pregnancy and will help you with these awful thoughts and anxiety. Also please tell midwife, sometimes they can get you extra support.

You are creating lives not ruining them - that is a thought that the illness depression puts in your head - it is not the truth. The sooner you could get to GP the better so they can help you.

Take no notice of the "can't have a baby in benefits" brigade - we will all be grateful as old people when your children are grown up and keeping society going! If it helps you feel any better I pay tons of tax in my job and I am happy for it to go to bring up your little ones.

The worst of it is I don't want to tell anyone how bad it is everyone was so proud of me for being so much better truth is I'm just better at hiding it. I lie to everyone I even tell my DH I have friends on here so he won't think I'm pathetic. He tells me all the time how proud he is of me for coping so well but I'm not coping and I don't want him to know because it feels so good.

I just want to be normal I haven't been without this stupid awful depression since I was 12 - 15 years later I just want what everyone else has.

I really hear you about just wanting to feel like everyone else - when I first took antidepressants in my teens I remember thinking " Oh so THIS is why everyone is ok - they feel like this!" It was like someone had switched the lights on. That is why you need to get to GP and get some advice/meds. If you had diabetes you would take insulin. Your DP will be proud of you for getting help if he has any sense - WE will be proud of you There is NO SHAME in getting treatment for an illness xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Youre a mum and they need you and theres nothing wrong with you needing help too. Yes you feel youre a mess but the fact that you are telling us is that you WANT help. It is out there but they wont come to you unless you see your doctor. Citalapram is good but ask your doc if you can still take it whilst pregnant. Sounds like your partner is supportive. Cant choose your family, thats unfortunate., But take a deep breath, reach out and suck up all the help you need. Its depression talking, try not to listen. Youre worth your childrens love. Do it for them. Do it for YOU. Now.