The droppings of some guy's imagination.

Girl Scout Cookie Rankings

Wow. Do you realize how hard it is to walk by any subway station now? The one at Ballston, near where I live – the girls are out there with their enterprising mothers, and for four dollars a box, they are trying to kill me. Fortunately, I have resisted so far. However, it IS that time of year – and considering all the bandwidth I waste doing power rankings, how can I miss ranking something of true social and political import? I read about the Girl Scout Cookie program and it says that it “helps girls do great things.” I have no doubt it does – but I can’t verify that claim, but I can surely verify that the cookies are delicious and will turn me into a dirigible if cookie season were 12 months long. But that’s my own lack of willpower talking. What about the cookies? Well – one man’s Girl Scout Cookie ratings.

INCOMPLETE GRADES:

SavannahSmiles – I have to give credit to what these cookies mean in theory, in addition to having a very strong name. Lemony cookies dusted with powdered sugar. These might be good – they are promising, but I tend to lean on my perennial choices, so I have to plea ignorance.

Thank You BerryMunch – Alas, my cookie order has not arrived yet. This is my controversial pick for my bushel. White fudge chips and cranberries have a chance to give a nice taste contrast. On the other hand – considering the nature of cookies and American palates, these might be inundated with white chocolate which would overwhelm with sweetness and probably make my wife make a face. Of course that means I’d have to eat them all – every cloud has a silver lining.

AND NOW, THE COUNTDOWN:

6.Dulce de Leche- OK. How do Dulce de Leche chip cookies make the bottom of the list? Seriously? Well, first of all – the standard for Girl Scout Cookies is pretty amazing. Being 6th is no insult. However, this was my wild card choice last year – and I was disappointed. I think I had just seen a Good Eats episode singing the praises of Dulce de Leche, and the extra depth it had over ordinary caramel. But really we just got the worst of caramel here – sweet without a counterpoint. If I was in prison, I’d eat them no doubt. It’s not a horrendous cookie – but in such a bountiful pageant, why compromise? Grade: C+

5. Trefoils - It’s short bread. It looks like the Girl Scouts logo. As cookies go, they are fine. They are stable, solid – and boring. It fails in comparison to the Big 4, and I never crave them. But I can’t say anything bad about them – they are just sorta there. Grade: B

4. Do-Si-Dos- Now we start with the good stuff. In some ways, this is cheating – I mean it’s peanut butter for frak’s sake! This is the sandwich cookie, and it does a solid job. It is the first cookie that really pops flavorwise. It is good, but the others are better. Grade: B+

3. ThinMints- Ah yes, the people’s cookie. And to be fair, it’s a very good cookie – and unlike cookies with peanut butter in them, there is not a statistically significant population that could get hives or die from eating them. But the 49% cited in the survey seems high to me. Frankly, I’d see Thin Mints as the #1 cookie only because it appears in everyone’s Top 3 – it is the Mitt Romney of Girl Scout Cookies (well if Mitt Romney did not come off as a total douchebag). It is not a gold medal cookie to me, but I certainly put it on the medal podium. Grade: A

2. Samoas- This is probably the most polarizing of the cookies. Obviously I am an admirer – but I know people who hate them. The coconut gives a chewy texture that is reminiscent of some “no-bake” cookies I have tried before. They are also sweet, and didn’t I complain about that with the Dulce de Leche? However the coconut and chocolate give it a couple extra dimensions instead of just caramel. This is not a cookie for everybody I suppose – but it’s a cookie that’s easy to get passionate about. Grade: A+

1.Tagalongs – I keep having to remind myself when I type this that these cookies are not Filipino. On the other hand, they do taste like they are of a different place, where people are happy all the time and everybody has a pony. Chocolate covered peanut butter cookie patties. You have the sweet, the salty, the peanut butter, the textural complexity a cookie offers. Frankly if they baked in some bacon bits, it would almost become too good a cookie for people in this humble dimension to be ready for. It would be overwhelming, and best left for higher order beings. As is, it is way too easy for me to ransack this box in a Tasmanian Devil like fury. This is impossible to discuss rationally – and I am not sure how I have managed not to forage for cookies yet. Grade: A+