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4/11/2013

Joins meets Warrior or, Justin Kirk meets Sarah Jessica Parker

Today's letter is J, and we're matching up the Joins personality (Justin Kirk) with the Warrior personality (Sarah Jessica Parker). Both seem to be of these types in real life, and they certainly play the types in their characters in Weeds as Andy and Nancy Botwin.The Joins, or Seeks to Merge
Personality (Justin
Kirk/Andy Botwin), is as often male as female.
It’s a fairy tale lover, a tale spinner. This type’s unusual receptivity
and love of nature allows them to feel at one with their surroundings, so much
so that they have trouble establishing ego boundaries—meaning, identifying with
everyone, they don’t know who they are. Books and movies featuring this
personality type include magical realism; religious mysticism;
magic/mystery/fantasy; plucky young competitors who win our hearts; gentle or innocent romance
that brings sweetness (Notebook, Murphy's Romance; Sarah: Plain and Tall; Ghost
and Mrs. Muir) to life; A mysterious event changes lives (Agnes of God;
Bernadette; Bee Season). Themes for this type also include the power of love to
bring forth seeds of magic that exist in everyday life.

This
personality type seeks to merge with another,
as seen with Andy Botwin’s character in Weeds, where he feels unrequited love for his sister-in-law Nancy for quite some time (several
seasons) before finally moving on to her sister. [I've read that in real life, this personality type NEVER divorces. It might/might not take a while to decide to commit, but once he does, it's for life.] Read more about theJoins, Seeks to Mergepersonality.

The Warrior personality is as often male as female. Mary
Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin in Weeds is fiesty and fierce in her love for her
children, and would do anything, even becoming a drug dealer, to save her
family. Finding herself in life-and-death situations, she uses her charm to get
out of them. After a couple of marriages gone bad, her skeptical nature keeps
her from committing to Andy or anyone.

Warriors are
often skeptical of strangers but loyal friends. Like their related personality
types—Responsibility and Guardian—fear is the lens through which they view the
world, however unlike their related types, instead of giving in to fear and
anxiety, they deny their fears with bold actions.

They, with
the related types mentioned above, are the True Believers, the Defenders of the
Faith and of the weak. In movies and books, the Warrior personality is often a
Superhero, or an ordinary person who takes extraordinary risks to fight for
what he or she believes in. (Superman; David & Goliath). Books and movies
featuring this personality type are also frequently along the lines of skeptics
being confronted with strange relaties. (Contact; X-Files; Outer Limits). Read more about theWarrior(Strength or Beauty) personality.

In what ways would Andy and Nancy,
or people of these personality types, relate?

Both are
looking for security. As a Warrior, Nancy Botwin would have a rebellious streak, and
the Joins personality, Andy Botwin, has a counterculture streak, enabling them
to live on the fringe, with an unusual lifestyle and beliefs. They are free
thinkers, unconcerned about conventional values.

As a head,
or fear type, the Warrior personality has a more active mind, and is
more skeptical than Andy, from the Gut triad, which has issues with anger. Andy is more trusting, optimistic and
grounded. When she finds many small things to worry about, he sees the bigger
picture. Change is methodical and slow for this couple. Both see themselves as
ordinary people, and both affirm each other’s confidence through shared aims. They’re
generous with each other.

When she
comes home to him, it’s like coming home after a hard day. She feels
unconditionally accepted by him, and he comforts her, soothing away her
anxieties. He also understands her vacillations between commitment and
doubt—because he also has trouble making decisions, but for different reasons.

Both can
have trouble taking action, and both find it easier to act on the other’s
behalf than on their own. Sometimes it becomes a battle of “who should go
first.” They’ll need to define their personal goals, rather than to expect the
other to lead. He joins with her point of view, and she can be unusually loyal,
but the flip side of that is that there is no initiative to act. When they
finally do act, if the action is stressful, they will suppress their emotions and both will go on autopilot. He’ll fall back on conditional commitment “just
until we see how it works out.”

This is
often a lively couple. Once they know what they want, the Joins personality can
be unstoppable. For the Warrior, action disappears doubt, and she feels safe
once again.

Each will
try to avoid anger, although she’ll find his passive anger less threatening
than she might with other, more fiery types. Angered, he looks more stubborn
than dangerous.

But it’s important for them to learn to risk being angry with each other,
rather than keeping it tucked inside. If he feels his anger, he will finally be
able to make a decision. If she feels hers, she’ll realize it’s nothing to
fear; it’s only an emotion, and it's okay to feel it, get over it, and get moving.

But she will
become worried and anxious if he becomes inactive (mentally, physically,
emotionally)--which the Joins personality often does. As a gut type, he has difficulty expressing anger, so he turns it inward and becomes depressed instead.

So she’ll prod him to try to get him going. But he doesn’t like
to be pushed, and so will dig in his heels and continue to do nothing. They can’t move
toward their goals, and each sees the other as the cause of their
procrastination. He can sit on the fence forever.

One of them
needs to make a decision and initiate action, to break the stalemate.
Activity heals them, especially when each one has their own personal agenda
that they can pursue without insisting that the other join in.