Maddocks: After disastrous roll out of summer, God enlists outside help

Sunday

Aug 31, 2014 at 12:50 AM

By Philip MaddocksDaily News Staff

Acknowledging that the unrelenting bloodshed, wanton destruction, and widespread inhumanity on display across the globe this summer was more than a technical glitch, God has called in Jeffrey Zients to help fix the troubled planet and make it function smoothly again.

In remarks this week, God affirmed for the first time the serious issues with the world’s performance.

"No one is madder than me about this," He said. "But we’re going to see it through. I have every confidence that Jeffrey is the man to get the job done."

For his new task, Mr. Zients - a multimillionaire entrepreneur and management consultant who is credited with supervising the successful rescue of the HealthCare.gov website – will shuttle between a spiritual command center in suburban New York and an office at the White House near a bank of coffee machines and a short walk to an all-night takeout Chinese restaurant as he oversees an effort by the Almighty to salvage the flawed unveiling of summer.

God’s reputation, and the fortunes of the world, could hinge on the work of Mr. Zients, a man who has no hands-on experience working directly with God — although he has been with the Obama White House since 2009. In the universe of experts who might have been called in by God for rescue work, those close to the Almighty say there were others who were perhaps more qualified than Mr. Zients, but he was the best of those that God felt comfortable with.

In an interview, Pope Francis called Mr. Zients a "force multiplier" who will deliver what he promises. He said God had given Mr. Zients the same instructions he had given everyone on his staff: "Get this fixed."

God said recruiting Mr. Zients was his idea. It was mid-August. There was no clear end to the bloodshed in Gaza. The Sunni extremists were having their way in Iraq. Tensions were escalating in Ukraine. And an unprecedented Ebola epidemic had Africa in its grip.

Mr. Zients, who had twice served as the acting director of the Office of Management and Budget and had a reputation as a troubleshooter, was "the obvious choice for the job," God said. "Plus, he was available."

Those in contact with heaven say Mr. Zients has intensified the pace there. He began work on Aug. 21 and quickly set about drafting a "punch list" of problems to fix, which is updated daily.

Among other immediate changes, Mr. Zients recommended that God hire a contractor to coordinate repairs to world order, started daily telephone briefings with colleagues and instituted at the command center morning and evening "stand up meetings," so named because each team member – in this case the Almighty - must stand while delivering a progress report. It is a way of enforcing accountability, Mr. Zients has said.

Mr. Zients has also worked diligently on trying to get the world to agree to one name for the group of Sunni extremists who are striving to carve out a caliphate in Syria and Iraq. Many news organizations refer to it as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, or ISIS for short, but others, including the United States government, are calling it the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, or I.S.I.L.

Mr. Zients told reporters on Friday that the world was getting "better each week" but progress "remains very slow and sporadic – especially on the ISIS-I.S.I.L front."

"We have a lot of work ahead of us," he said, still promising that he would meet his Nov. 30 deadline for getting the world running smoothly again.

Even Mr. Zients’ supporters remain skeptical about that timetable.

"To try to come in, in 13 weeks, and sort something like this out — I just have a lot of sympathy for him," said Pope Francis.

God, meanwhile, is trying to turn the page on this year’s troubled summer. After a bruising two months in heaven, he spent the early part of last week on the West Coast, talking about other priorities — compassion, forgiveness, and brotherly love. Gone, for the moment, was the angry deity frustrated by an out-of-control world.

At a closed-door meeting at a Beverly Hills home, He only made scant reference to the destruction and disease that have been the focus of headlines this summer.

And in recent days – perhaps to help lift some of the weight being carried by Mr. Zients – God has sought to lower expectations, telling reporters that repairs to the world will continue - but there will be "no magic moment when our work is complete."

"We all know better than that," He said.

Philip Maddocks writes a weekly satirical column. He can be reached at pmaddocks@wickedlocal.com.

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