Most people interact with a grocery store cashier at least a couple times a week. We hand them our credit cards and they see our most intimate purchases, but beyond a (hopefully) friendly greeting and quick “have a nice day,” those of us who have never worked as a cashier know very little about this back-breaking job. I sent out a bat signal email to all the current and former cashiers I know, asking them one question: what do you wish you could tell every customer who comes through your line? Here’s what they said…

On Customer Interactions:

1. “When I ask you ‘How is your day going?’ I actually do want to know. Anything to distract me from my killing feet is appreciated.”

2. “Don’t hang around and flirt with me while I’m working — I’m probably not interested and it makes me look like I’m socializing on the clock to my boss.”

3. “Please do not comment on my physical attributes, it’s annoying and frankly kind of creepy. I am not a display.”

6. “Cashiers are totally checking out your eating habits even though we pretend not to.”

7. “I can tell the difference between cilantro and parsley…can you?”

8. “Shit can get expensive real quick when you shop in bulk so pay attention! When you get to the register and decide you no longer want your $40 bag of pine nuts, we can’t put it back in the bin. There is so much food waste this way it makes me sick.”

9. “Don’t mix your produce in a combined bag and then complain that I didn’t notice the difference between your peaches and nectarines.”

10. “I spend most of the time in my little box which means I probably don’t know if we carry your favorite brand of gluten free kosher organic sesame seaweed crackers but if you chill out for two seconds I can call someone who works in that department to find out.”

11. “If you are buying beer for underage kids, it would be advisable to not have them waiting out front in their letterman jackets….or better yet, behind you in line with an unnecessary amount of red solo cups.”

12. “Buying condoms at 16 is not embarrassing. It’s better than buying diapers at 16!”

On Unloading Your Cart/Waiting In Line:

13. “I don’t care about your opinion on paper or plastic. Bring your own bag because they both suck.”

14. “Bag your raw meats. Blood and chicken goo when drizzled on a conveyer belt can make people sick.”

15. “When people put their basket on the belt and don’t empty it while waiting in line — we hate that!”

16. “If you’re buying 5 12-packs of Coke, I only need one to scan. I’d rather not move every single one across the scanner.”

17. “There is a proper way of bagging items and the cashier usually doesn’t need help from the customer.”

18. “Leave heavy things in the cart. We have scan guns that can reach.”

19. “When you’re waiting in line, be considerate of the people around you.”

20. “Don’t leave your cart at my check stand and leave. Walk it to the door with you.”

21. “We used to have a company sponsored contest to see who could scan items the fastest. So if you see a cashier with a longer line it may mean they are faster than most. People would choose my line no matter how long it was because they knew I would get them out as soon as possible.”

On Paying:

22. “When paying with cash, unfold and straighten your bills before HANDING them to us politely. When you leave a clumped mess of wadded up cash for us to grab and sort it makes us want to punch you in the face.”

23. “If you’re planning on paying with a check, please have it pre-filled out, grocery shopping is not the leisurely activity you think it is, most people want to get out of here as quick as humanly possible.”

24. “Don’t get pissed when I can’t break a hundred.”

25. “Coupons aren’t just for poor people and if you don’t use them, you’re paying more than you need to. Just make sure you cut them out before you get to my line.”

26. “Food stamps does not equate to ‘free money.’ Additionally, if you offer to buy the groceries of the person in front of you with your EBT card in exchange for cash, that is VERY illegal.”

27. “You really can get a discount on dented cans if you ask.”

28. “The grocery store is not a bank so no, I can’t give you 2 rolls of quarters so you can do your laundry.”

On Common Courtesies:

29. “If you decide you don’t want to purchase one or two of the items you picked up along you’re way through the store ALWAYS hand them to the cashier. We have no magic fairies who blissfully fly around returning the items you stuff into random shelves or abandon on the magazine racks at the checkout.”

30. “Please stop your children from poking holes into the packaged hamburger. It creates more work for everyone and it’s really kind of gross.”

31. “Dogs are filthy animals that roll in shit and lick their junk. If you’re not blind or an epileptic, please leave it at home.”

32. “Please don’t follow me to my new place of employment when I quit.”

33. “We are not childcare providers. Watch your own kids.”

34. “Urine and excrement belong in the toilet. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

Random Thoughts And Observations:

35. “I secretly enjoyed wearing a tie. And I took pride in being able to tie a better knot than most men.”

36. “*Me keying in the barcode on your canned peas after several failed attempts to read it over the scanner* You: IT MUST BE FREE! HAR HAR HAR! Me: I’ve never heard that one before!!!!”

37. “The self checkout is for your convenience. Therefore yelling “I hate these things!” while choosing to use them of your own free will just makes you sound like a moron.”

38. “Old people are really cheap and will complain if something was listed for 98 cents and they are charged 99 cents.”

39. “No one buys makeup at a grocery store, so when you need cover-up on the go, check the expiration date because it’s probably been there since the mid 1980′s.”

40. “This is a grocery store, not your bedroom. Leave the slippers and flannel pajama pants at home.”

41. “Just because I see you every day does not mean I am your friend or your therapist.”

42. “The greeting card aisle is reserved for me when Def Leppard comes on and I want to practice my breakdancing. Best stay clear.”

The Eight Most Annoying Customers At Your Retail Job

Excuse me? You don’t have the product that I’m looking for? The one that I didn’t call ahead to see if you had?

Well maybe if I JUST INCREASE THE VOLUME AND FURY OF MY DEMANDS, IT WILL MAGICALLY MAKE THE ITEM I WANT APPEAR.

STILL NO? WELL MAYBE IF I GET EVEN LOUDER AND ADD SOME FUCKING CURSE WORDS IT WILL ACT AS A SACRED INVOCATION TO SUMMON THE ITEM I DESIRE OUT OF THE AETHER.

OH YOU STILL DON’T HAVE IT?! WELL NOW NOT ONLY HAVE YOU LOST A CUSTOMER, BUT YOU’VE LOST A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF YOUR HEARING AND YOU’RE COVERED IN MY SALIVA.

I’ll be back again tomorrow to see if it’s in stock.

Hi there! How are you doing? Oh that’s just wonderful. Yes, this pack of chewing gum is all I’m purchasing today, which could leave our encounter clocking in at a brisk forty-five seconds, but I am starved for conversation and by the look on your face I can tell you are intent on hearing more about my life.

Fortunately for you, this gum reminds me of the gum I used to buy as a child, but did you know that back then gum only cost A NICKEL. Now since you clearly have no concept of how the prices of consumer goods tend to rise as an economy grows, I’m going to go ahead and list off ten more things that used to be SO MUCH cheaper. Isn’t that crazy?

You know who else was crazy? My husband! He’s dead now, of course, but that won’t stop me from telling you stories about him until the shuttle from the assisted living home comes to pick me up.

Just this bag of chips for me, thanks. Yeah and if you could go ahead and put that 75 cent purchase on my credit card that would be great. Oh you know, now that you’ve already run my card and completed my transaction I JUST remembered that I wanted a soda too! Haha, silly me! If you could just run that card again, thanks.

Wow, this is so embarrassing, but I actually had a whole shopping list here that I meant to buy, so if you don’t mind I’m going to grab each item, one at a time, and bring them up here for you to charge.

You know, on second thought, I don’t really want this bag of chips. Just credit that 75 cents back to my card. No, I don’t want it in cash, I want you to credit it. Yes, I am incredibly inconsiderate of everyone’s time, including my own.

This is it: the biggest moment of my life. I hold in my hands TWO candy bars. In my left, the superbly satisfying Snickers bar. In my right, the crunchy cookie and creamy chocolate of a Twix. How can any one person bear the pressure of this choice? Kingdoms have surely risen and fallen for less.

What’s that? How do you expect me to focus on the cavalcade of customers gathering behind me while the very fate of my stomach hangs in the balance?! Sir, this decision will determine how sated I am for the next 20 minutes AT LEAST.

Wait, you guys have Sour Patch Kids too? Hold on, I need to make a Venn Diagram.

Alright, I’ve gathered all 37 of my purchases here on the counter and you’ve totalled it all up for me, so now I just need to take out my wallet and… wait, where’s my wallet? I know I had it right here in my back pocket just a minute ago. Let me spend the next 5 minutes giving myself a frantic patdown like an overeager TSA agent searching for contraband. Wow, this NEVER happens to me, I KNOW it’s here somewhere. Maybe in my shoe? Stored in my cheek pocket like a squirrel?

I must have left it in my car. I’ll just leave all these items sitting right here to completely stall the progress of your line while I go check.

Nope, it wasn’t there. This is so crazy, I ju- oh wait, here it is! In my back pocket! Haha, man, life sure is funny sometimes. Okay now is it cool if I pay entirely in change? Let me just find my coins in here…

Hey there champ, how’s it hangin? Little higher than the left one? Heh heh, just a little joke for ya, bud. I know this is the first time we’ve ever met, tiger, but I’m gonna keep callin’ you by strange pet names while nudging and winking so frequently that you’re concerned I’m havin’ a stroke. All the while I’ll be tossin’ out dated political rhetoric and references to sporting events that you don’t follow. Sound good, pal?

Now, since we’re such bosom buddies and all, you don’t mind if I pay with a check, right slugger?

Wow, $1.25 for ONE candy bar? Are you kidding me? I think you can do a little better than that, because clearly you, the cashier, are the one who controls the pricing at this establishment.

I’ll buy it for a dollar, and no more.

Okay fine, I’ll buy 3 candy bars for $3.20.

Alright, okay, 5 candy bars for $5.10 and I’ll give you one of my shoes. That’s my final offer.

Sir, it almost seems as though you aren’t desperate enough to sell this candy bar that you’re willing to risk your job for it. I don’t respect that kind of attitude. 10 candy bars for 9 dollars and whatever pocket lint I have.

No? Well now I’ve already eaten half of this candy bar, decreasing it’s value! 75 cents for the remainder of the candy.

Still $1.25?! Well now I’ve knocked all of your candy to the floor! No one wants to eat floor candy, thus decreasing its val- wait why are you calling security?

Empowered by a righteous anger, I have returned to avenge a perceived slight on my person! Yes that’s right, I am unsatisfied with a purchase that I made yesterday, and am convinced that this dissatisfaction was manufactured on purpose, by you, solely to inconvenience me!

A refund? A REFUND?! It sickens me to my core that you could feasibly think a refund will undo the emotional damage I have suffered these past hours. The heights of elation generated by a successful purchase, STOLEN from me by faulty workmanship. Heed this, lowly register peasant: I have spent this previous evening wracked by tremors of rage, only now barely contained beneath a calm facade. I have seethed with…