Jack The Writer
[ Season 1 | Episode: 4 ]

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( 240 Quotes Found )

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Staring

Liz:

Alright we have a lot to get through today, you guys. Anybody have anything on page 1? (Writers stare at Cerie) I think we need to change this Donald Trump joke... because Donald Trump was eaten by a lion this morning, on the international space station. Anyone listening? Yeah, Okay. Cerie, how about, instead of doing the scripts, why don't you just organize those videotapes?

Cerie:

Oh, Okay.

Liz:

Okay, actually, could you go downstairs and get me a chai tea?

Cerie:

Okay, um... where are my shoes?

Liz:

No, no, just go. Just go barefoot. Just leave your shoes.

Cerie:

Okay.

Frank:

We got to change this Trump joke.

One Way Streets

P.A.:

Josh to the set please, for ‘Sniper Talk’

Kenneth:

Mr. Jordan

Tracy:

What's up Ken?

Kenneth:

I got your car washed liked you asked. And I got that “Baby on Board” sign you want to help you get tail.

Tracy:

Thanks Ken, you done good.

Kenneth:

It’s my pleasure, and my job sir. Anything you ever need, just ask.

Tracy:

But I want you to know something. You and me, it’s not gonna be a one way street. Cause I don’t believe in one way streets. Not between people and not while I’m driving.

Kenneth:

Oh, okay.

Tracy:

So Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I was your age: Live every week, like it’s "shark week".

Jack Enters

Liz:

That' Stan there. Happy birthday, Stan. All right, we're halfway done. Let's take a little break. You guys want to have a one minute dance party?

Frank:

Yeah! Good idea. Crank it, Toofer.

Frank:

Yeah, shake it. Feel the music.

Liz:

Oh, Mr. Donaghy.

Jack:

Oh please, uh, finish your dance.

Liz:

Oh, we were just taking a little break, and we all love the music of chamillionare.

Jack:

I see. If you don't mind, I'll just observe from... over here.

Liz:

You will? Why?

Jack:

Are you familiar with Six Sigma?

Frank:

Oh, yeah, it’s special kind of GI Joe.

Jack:

It’s Frank right?

Frank:

Yes sir.

Jack:

Frank, Six Sigma is the elite G.E. Executive training course. To master just its basic concepts, one must brave a five day conference at a Sheraton. Six sigma says that a manager must understand every aspect of the business he or she oversees.

Liz:

Which means...

Jack:

I'll be in here everyday, soaking it up. So please, return to work and act like I'm not here.

Liz:

Okay. Let's get into Toofer's commercial parody. We were trying to think of a funnier cereal name. The favorite options so far include; Honey Bunches of Sadness, Oat-Bung, and Swastikos.

Toofer:

Uh, Fruit Lupis.

Writers:

No

Lutz:

Dingleberries.

Frank:

Fart Nuggets.

Jack:

(Laughs) Sorry, That’s really great.

Liz:

Ok, let’s just think for another minute. Uh, Frosted Mini-guns.

Writers:

No

Frank:

Lucky Bastards?

Jack:

If you don’t mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets so can we just move on, please

Liz:

Everyday huh?

You Guys Want Coffee?

Cerie:

You guys want coffee?

Frank:

Oh, yeah.

Jack:

So I was doing some research on comedy. And I came across the cartoon strip Dilbert. It was quite good. And I was wondering if we can do that.

Liz:

Do what?

Jack:

Dilbert.

Cerie:

You guys want coffee?

Frank:

Oh, yeah.

Jack:

No no no no no. You can’t say that. Jeb Bush is a fiend of mine.

Frank:

Who should I change it to.

Jack:

Sean Penn. No, Barbra Streisand.

Jack:

He guns it. Girl falls into the water.

Cerie:

You guys want coffee?

Jack:

So he circled back looking for her. Remember it’s pitch black out. The boat hits something, hard. And you hear kind of, "eeeeughh". And Brokaw says, ‘Just go. Don’t look back.” Now, I’m not a writer, but maybe there’s a skit in that.

It's Not Working

Pete:

Hey

Liz:

What's up. Good morning.

Pete:

So, is Donaghy gonna be in the room again today?

Liz:

Ugh, probably, yeah.

Pete:

Well, you have to say something to him. You guys aren’t getting any work done.

Liz:

Really, you don’t think his idea of starting with the catch phrases and working backwards is panning out.

Jack:

(Flashback) Nuts to you McGuillicuddy. Who ordered the wieners? Beep, Beep, Ribby, Ribby.

Liz:

Actually Frank wrote a draft of Beep, Beep, Ribby, Ribby.

Pete:

Look, you have to say something to Jack soon, or your writers are gonna revolt.

Liz:

What do you all not understand? He’s our boss. Me trying telling Jack what to do would be like you trying to boss around... Which one of your kids is it that you’re afraid of?

Pete:

Kyle. Kyle. so strong.

Liz:

Oh, come on.

Pete:

That was a jacket.

Liz:

That’s it, I got to talk to her about her clothes. She can’t dress like that.

Pete:

Yes she can. People like the way she dresses!

Liz:

Oh come on, it’s distracting, it’s inappropriate.

Pete:

You’re inappropriate! You jerk with your big stupid face!

Liz:

Come on.

Pete:

No, Liz. Listen, listen, listen. Look at me. Look how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.

Liz:

Pete, no! come on! I'm talking to her.

Pete:

Talk to yourself!

Errand For Kenneth

Tracy:

K, my boy! What's the frequency, Ken? I need you to grab me some lunch.

Kenneth:

Absolutely. What can I get for you?

Tracy:

I want nachos.

Kenneth:

Yes sir.

Tracy:

From Yankee Stadium.

Kenneth:

Yes sir!

Wear A Bra

P.A.:

Jenna to the set, please, for United Nations Bloopers."

Liz:

Oh, hey, Cerie. I kind of need to talk to you about something. Do you have a second?

Liz:

Sure. This is going to sound really weird, but, um... you need to wear a bra.

Cerie:

Oh no. I.. I don’t actually. They just sort of stay up on their own. See?

Liz:

Yeah, okay. What I'm saying is, you need to wear a bra to work if you want to be taken seriously in this business.

Cerie:

Oh, but I don't actually want to work in television. Career-wise, I'm just gonna marry rich and then design handbags.

Liz:

Here's the thing. The way that you dress, is making some people around the office uncomfortable.

Cerie:

Really? Who?

Pete:

Not me!

Liz:

I guess it’s mostly me that has the problem with it.

Cerie:

Oh, because you have, like, one of those body image things?

Liz:

No, it's not that.

Cerie:

Good, because I was gonna say, you still have a good body.

Liz:

Well, thank you, but this isn't about me.

Cerie:

Like, How’d you dress before you were married?

Liz:

I’m not married, Cerie.

Cerie:

Oh for some reason I thought you had like, three kids.

Liz:

Nope, never married. No kids.

Cerie:

Cause sometimes you have like food stains on your shirt and stuff. I just assumed that it was kids.

Liz:

You know what? Forget I mentioned it. You look great.

Letting Jack Know

Liz:

Is it my birthday?

Toofer:

You have to get Donaghy out of the room.

Liz:

Boy! We as a group, might not smell great.

Frank:

Come on, he's stifling us. I feel like I just can't be myself around him.

Lutz:

Yeah, Tracy's downstairs right now rehearing the best thing we've written all week.

Tracy:

Beep, Beep, Ribby, Ribby.

Liz:

All right. (Groans) All right, I'll take care of it.

Frank:

Thanks Liz.

Liz:

Hey, Mr. Donaghy.

Jack:

Sorry I'm late. I was at a luncheon for Ann Coulter's 60th birthday.

Liz:

Oh yeah. Listen, it's been really great having you in the room these last few days --

Frank:

Oh, it's been great for me, too, being around all this creativity. I'll tell you, in the beginning, I thought it was gonna be a bit of a chore, honestly, but now -- Oh I have an idea for you. Monkey Senate: We open on the capital...

Liz:

You can’t be in here anymore!

Jack:

What’s that?

Liz:

It’s not working. You’re driving everybody crazy. and, okay, you can just fire me now, and I’ll go back to teaching improve to senior citizens.

Jack:

Why would I want to fire you? This is fine. Six Sigma values direct and honest communication between coworkers, so, uh... Thank you, Liz.

Liz:

Oh sure.

Jack:

I'll just head upstairs now.

Liz:

Okay, well, thank you for being so understanding.

Jack:

Absofruitly.

Yankee Stadium

Kenneth:

Oh, no! I will not let you down, sir. No. Go get help girl!

Jack Hides

Liz:

Hey, Jonathan. I left a bunch of messages for Jack, but I haven't heard back. Do you know if he got them?

Jonathan:

Mr. Donaghy's been very busy.

Liz:

Oh, well, I just -- I really need him to approve this budget.

Jonathan:

Well, I'm sorry. He's out of the country till the end of the week.

Mission For Kenneth

Tracy:

You want to know another key to success.

Kenneth:

I do Mr. Jordan.

Tracy:

Dress everyday like you gonna get murdered in those clothes.

Tracy:

You did real good the other day with those nachos, but I need you to do something of a diffrent nature.Okay, would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires?

Kenneth:

Yes, I suppose I would.

Tracy:

Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law. You following me?

Kenneth:

Otherwise, we would no longer be free.

Tracy:

Now I have a mission for you.

Need to Apologize

Cerie:

Hey Liz. I took your advice. I'm wearing a bra.

Liz:

That's great, Cerie.

Jonathan:

Liz, can I speak to you for a second?

Liz:

Sure. What's going on?

Jonathan:

Mr. Donaghy is very upset that you banned him from the writers room. He wants you to apologize.

Liz:

Really?

Jonathan:

But when you apologize, you have to act like it was your idea. He can’t know that I told you.

Liz:

But he sent you here to tell me to apologize.

Jonathan:

Exactly. I penciled you in for 3:00. This conversation never happened.

P.A.:

Jenna set yourself please, for “Who wants to Eat a Dictionary?”

A Lot of Questions

Pete:

Where's Kenneth?

Man:

Who is it?

Kenneth:

It’s Kenneth, from the NBC page program. I’m here for a pick up from Kyang Dang. Hello, gentlemen. Oh, thank goodness, air conditioning. Ooh, what does that tattoo mean? When I get nervous I ask a lot of questions. Do y’all have a bathroom I could use? Y’all have long finger nails. Now, do y’all rent this place or do you own it? Hey, that's a funny looking fish. What is that, like a grapefruit knife? Do y’all have a cellphone? What’s your plan?

Enter the Death Star

Pete:

This apology thing is.. intresting.

Liz:

Oh, Even when it’s something normal, I hate going up to Jack’s office. I always feel like I’m entering the Death Star. I expect to see Storm Troopers. I’m telling you, if Donaghy does this at me, I will run.

Pete:

You’ll be fine... Captain Needa.

Liz:

No! Captain Needa dies! He dies!

No Business like Show Business

Kenneth:

There's no business like show business like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing Everything the traffic will allow Nowhere can you get that special feeling than when you're stealing that extra bow

The Apology

Jack:

What can I do for you? I'm on a helicoptor in 15 minutes.

Liz:

Uh... well, sir, I just wanted to say, um, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings the other day when I asked you to stay out of the writers' room.

Jack:

That's absurd. Completely unnecessary. I haven't given it a second thought.

Liz:

Okay, good, cause, you know, the writers, they see you as management.

Jack:

Please, it's water under the bridge. Stop worrying and just go on back to work.

Liz:

Right.

Jack:

Of course, I can understand how you might think my feelings were hurt. No onw wants to hear that people don't like you.

Liz:

What? No, that -- No, that's not at all what I was saying before. I never said that people don't like you. That's not true

Jack:

So, people do like me?

Liz:

Yes. people like you.

Jack:

Do you like me?

Liz:

Of course. I like you. Jack.

Jack:

You know what I like about you. Those eyes. You have those black shark’s eyes. You know, very intense.

Liz:

Thank you.

Jack:

Anyway...

One More Errand

Tracy:

You done good Kid. If that thing ever goes missing or gets into the public water system, we don’t know each other.

Kenneth:

Got it

Tracy:

I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow's my anniversary, and I almost forgot about it. But What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?

Kenneth:

Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that vajayjay.

Tracy:

That's my boy. That's why I want you to go see my jeweler.

Oh! He's a Human Being

Jack:

Good morning, Liz.

Liz:

Oh, hi, Mr. Donaghy. How are you?

Jack:

Fine, thank you. I remember you mentioning what a big fan you are of the rapper Chamillionaire.

Liz:

Oh, cause I was dancing with Frank? Oh, yes, yeah. I love Chamillionaire.

Jack:

Well, it just so happens that he's performing this weekend at Webster hall, and I got some V.I.P. tickets and backstage passes. You could take the writers or a friend, whatever. Enjoy yourself. you deserve it.

Liz:

Wow, thank you. That's -- that's very thoughtful.

Jack:

Well, I think that coworkers should have good personal relationships. I know we've had some missteps, but we've put all that behind us, and I'd like us to be... friendly.

Liz:

Yeah, absolutely, yes. So do I. Wow, I just can’t believe Chamillionaire tickets were still available.

Jack:

Ha, well... See you.

P.A.:

Josh to the stage please for “Homophobic Gays.”

Pete:

What was that about?

Liz:

Just talking to my bud Jack Donaghy.

Pete:

Bud? Really?

Liz:

Yes, he said he wants us to be friends, he gave me Chamillionaire tickets, and he even did this to me.

Pete:

Wow, Well look having Jack on your side can make life easier. It’s good for everybody if he wants to be friends.

Liz:

I know, but it’s so weird. It’s like the scene where you see the back of Darth Vader’s head with his helmet off and you’re like ‘Oh! He’s a human being!’ I’ve got to get some new DVDs.

Pete:

Did we just go in a circle?

Liz:

Yeah I was following you.

Pete:

I was following you.

Liz:

No I’m going to wardrobe.

Pete:

Ok. Good walk and talk.

Fashion Person

Liz:

Lee, can I check costumes for the cold open?

Lee:

That looks fierce.

Cerie:

Hey, Liz.

Liz:

Cerie, seriously. take that off. And, you, stop encouraging her. You're an enabler. You need to dress like you have a job. And parents who raised you in some kind of shame based American religious tradition. Here.

Cerie:

I can make this hot.

Cerie:

Now I get to pick out what I think you'd look good in.

Liz:

Oh, I'm not really a fashion person.

Cerie:

Your wearing this.

Liz:

Come one, no.

Cerie:

I’m serious. This color would be amazing on you and you’re a size 4 right?

Liz:

Well, aren’t’ you sweet.

It's A Joke!

Liz:

Hey guys. What's up?

Writers:

Ugh. Oh! Oh my god!

Pete:

What are you wearing?

Frank:

You’re making me gay.

Liz:

It’s a joke. Obviously, I’m wearing this as a joke. A bunch of comedy writers don’t know it’s a joke geez.

Frank:

I just threw up in my mouth.

Liz:

I said it’s a joke!

Pizza on the Roof?

Lutz:

I think I’m having a heart attack.

Writers:

Excellent. Right here. Thank you.

Frank:

Oh Pizza

Liz:

There you go. Thank you sir.

Frank:

Can we eat this out on the roof gardens?

Liz:

I don't even know how to get out there. I don't think people are allowed out there.

Toofer:

No, I see "Today show" people eating out there all the time.

Liz:

Really? Even Ann Curry?

Jack:

I'll show you the studio in just a minute, but, first, this is where my writers write. Oh, don’t mind the odor. But, seriously, since Tracy's arrival, the show is up in the key demos, we're driving male viewership, and we're effectively synergizing backward overflow.

Toofer:

Please, Liz. Let us eat outside.

Liz:

You know what? I'll ask Jack. He'll let us eat out there, right? He and I have an important friendship.

Frank:

Hey, they didn't bring any sodas.

Pete:

I'll call Kenneth Seriously, where is Kenneth?

Kenneth:

Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Jordan. Excuse me, do y’all just have noodles and butter?

Jack:

... reintegrate that position...

Liz:

Hey, Jack! Sorry to interrupt. Hey, can we eat our pizza outside? Cause those wangs from the "Today show" eat on the roof garden all the time, you know? And I thoguht since me and you are best buds -- boink -- maybe you could do me a solid and slip me the key to that thing. This guy's the best. He got me kick ass Chamillionare tickets. You guys like Chamillionare? Anyway, Jack rocks. This guy -- A-plus.

Pete:

Excuse me for a moment. (whispers) I’m sorry for what’s about to happen right now. Just know that I don’t mean it.

Liz:

Don’t mean what?

Jack:

What group home did you escape from that you would dare talk to me like some plumbers wife in front of Ron Gordon and Bob Overmyer?

Liz:

I don’t even know who those guys are.

Jack:

Oh really? Your ignorance was obvious when you waddled up to me with your thin lipped mouth full of greasy peasant food, and addressed me by my Christian name in front of the gentleman from Fairfield. That’s Fairfield, Connecticut Lemon, GE headquarters. But how would you know that with your nigh 40 years of public education and daytime television viewing? If you ever pull a Bush League stunt like that again, I’ll have you writing promos for arena football so fast, it’ll make your inexplicably small head spin.