The moment has arrived for you, our beloved cinemagoing readers, to vote for the worst movie never made.
To recap, we invited submissions for an imaginary nightmare celluloid creation more hideous than this cinematic list of shame - the 10 worst films ever made, according to El Reg readers:
Battlefield Earth
The Phantom …

2/10 - must try harder

Re: 2/10 - must try harder

Teletubbies

I too would pay good money to see this one. I found TheOtherHobbes's proposal plus the description provided by NomNomNom seriously disturbing. It reminded me of the first time I saw Ring, late at night on Channel 4 (I think).

Re: Teletubbies

A camper gets lost in the countryside in a storm on a damp rainy day. Suddenly the weather clears with remarkable speed to reveal and a bright sunny landscape of perfect green hills and blue skies. A little dome shaped bunker sits some distance away.

In curious mind he heads down towards the bunker. A door is open, revealing a large interior living space. A little robotic hoover with comical eyes is cleaning immaculate surfaces. He looks back behind him at the picturesque rolling hills and nary a cloud in the sky. Something is wrong.

"Hello?", he shouts, into the structure. The little hover stops with a whirring noise and looks up at him, but then continues it's cleaning. There is no other reply. He heads in cautiously, keeping his distance from the disturbingly life-like hoover.

10 minutes later he finds the first nest. It's in a small nook in the back wall. There is an overpowering stench of decay. The floor seems to be covered in toast (?!). There is a lot of jam on the toast, and even more jam on the floor. And broken bones. Looking closer he realizes it's not jam at all, but a sticky gut-based detritus. He freezes in terror as the stench of decay suddenly swells up behind him accompanied by the unmistakable shuffling of large feet. A deep animal-like grunt cries out in surprise: "EH OHH?". He spins round in horror to as the large bulky mass falls upon him. The little hoover cleans up the mess.

Re: Teletubbies

Re: Teletubbies

Insert: dome is populated by Doby McGill and the Little People, who sing munchkin-like songs while welcoming him.

It turns out the mini-hoover is just a micro-cosm of a macro-hoover he's been living in all his life. He's reunited with his true parents, who've been dodging The Suck and hairballs all through their tortured existence. Fighting with Arnold Schwarzenegger perseverance, he and his cohort Ilsa (a latter-day Heidi) fight their way through the bag to eventually turn off the power switch, freeing the little people, only to watch them wiped out one by one Hunger Games-style by the cat, who's been listening to the freak midgets singing for well on a year with no recourse. Movie credits roll as satiated kitty lies on back with bulging belly and purrs. Until suddenly a hand punches through stomach Carrie-/Alien-like and waves, while an ad flickers across the scene forebodingly, "Part II: Coming to a Theater Near You"

I've just developed a tick....

The Matrix 4

Neo played now by Dwayne 'The Dibbly' Johanson fights the evil tyrant Microshaft in an epic battle for dominance of the portable computing market. His sidekick is the super hakker cum megalomaniac Morpheus (played by Kim Dotcomic who likes to drive around in really fast flying cars and smash up the corrupt machines (AKA MACHIAA or Money Appreciative Computer Hostile Internets Assault Arsenal). Lots of shit blows up and stuff but in the end it is futile as they all end up in a kangaroo court with the judge being the reanimated corpse of Stevee Bigjobs.

Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!

Twelve minutes of a falling rocket motor, what's not to love in the original. I have a copy of it just for the soundtrack. Besides, there are about 4 frames of large, albeit fake, breasts in the last 20 minutes of the film. When you're ten, seeing bare breasts on TV means everything.

Re: Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!

I don't recall the naked breasts but I do remember the first time I saw Koyaanisqatsi - showing on a TV monitor in HMV on Oxford Street . I was transfixed for the whole film, surprised they didn't simply throw me out after an hour. I'd actually rate it as one of the best films of all time. The sequence including the Vegas Gals and the fighter pilot is depressingly-superb IMO .

I think it was Winged Migration (2001) that has some of the scenes proposed in Koyaanisqatsi 2 towards its end. It'll be great stuff if the right soundtrack is chosen. Leonard Cohen springs to mind; bring it on!

Highlander II airbrushed from history

possibly

Re: possibly

I would argue that never made is a fair description of Highlander 2. It came so close to being made but died in filming and some people took its corpse and stitched the pieces together then gave them a hideous semblance of life with some footage of aliens. This undead abomination was then set loose under the same title.

Re: Highlander II airbrushed from history

The Aluminators

This just seems to the making of a bad movie. It has the elements of a movie that was clearly intended to be serious, with well known and paid actors, but in the end is just horrible. But not in a good way like Hudson Hawk or Barbarella. In a bad way like almost any post 90's movie where Travolta has a leading role.

Re: The Aluminators

As soon as I read "set to the harmonious melodies of Tommyknocker", I knew which film to vote for. For the uninformed, here is a sample of Tommyknocker's more famous output: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXoQEa-4KLM

I almost voted for Koyaanisqatsi 2

Because I once bought the Koyaanisqatsi & Powaqqatsi DVD but instead of being interesting I found them incredibly irritating to watch, long scenes of not much happening along with 'music' from Philip Glass. The 'music' irritated me the most as it was contrived crap which practically repeated the same boring sequence of notes for the entire length of the films with little variation.

I bought them because I had prevously bought Baraka on DVD and found it to be a very good 'film', amazing footage with a soundtrack to perfectly match it (even with the haunting imagery of the aftermath of how bad humans can behave towards each other; concentration camps, mass graves etc.)

But my vote went to "Phantom Menace - The Musical" because after watching the original menace film in the cinema and discovering how badly Lucas had tarnished his Star Wars world, if I had to watch a musical of it I would probably end up perforating my ear drums with any sharp (or blunt) instrument to hand after the first note is sang. The gauging out of eyes would also be an acceptable action to perform.

Re: Titanic II

Casting error

For me it's got to be Diana in 3D but it looks like someone made an error in the casting: Gary Oldman would be struggle in the role of the Duke of Edinburgh. Surely the role made in heaven for Tommy Weisau?

Asuka Langley Soryu

Not Soraya :-)

Was quite a fan of that series until the multi-repeats and "quests for more money" started.

As to the movies in general; since these are most likely all b or c rated movies its obvious which one is the best: the one which has boobies in it, that has always been the golden rule with movies like that. Otherwise absolutely no one would be watching it ;-)

Re: Asuka Langley Soryu

I would pay again if Miss Greendragon (it's Soryu, right?) were put on a powerful mix of prozac and speed then time-reversally copied and found herself fighting for Hitler, piloting a preternaturally enhanced red-painted He-162 Volksjäger and delaying the collapse of the 3rd Reich long enough for a secret cabal of SS Ahnenerbe connected to rabid U.S. Christian Evangelicals secretly in league with Roosevelt to join up with Japanese researchers in a camp run by Ralph Fiennes so that Kaballistic Abrahamic Power can be channelled into opening a Transdimensional Gate. 3rd impact can come early and Shinji Ikari doesn't get to decide to branch off the final transmigration/unification of humanity due to sheer lack of self-assurance. Problems of morality [obviously obviated later due to the eschatological effectiveness of 3rd impact] can be discussed as Asuka has long discussions with the Führer's secretary while he is busy ranting with his generals.