I found out this past Thursday that my husband that I have been with for nearly a decade, and married to for over four years was having an emotional affair with another woman. He had been lying to me for months, if not longer and even after I found out and I saw his text to her telling her to leave him alone and not text him anymore, he still hadn't came completely clean. Friday night he decided that his guilt was getting the best of him and he told me everything that had happened, answered my questions, told me that he had lied even more than he had already confessed, and completely crushed me. I don't trust him. I can't trust him. I believe that he really is sorry for what he's done. I believe that he sees the wrong in it. But the fact that he did it in the first place, that he for some reason put some woman above the one person he devoted his life to... I don't understand it. I keep asking him "Why??" and it's always the same answers. He doesn't know, he was bored, he liked the attention. While they may be true, they just don't seem like enough for me. I don't know what kind of answer I'm even expecting. I've told him that we'll work it out, that we'll talk through our problems. He's told me that he is truly sorry, that I'm the only woman for him and that it was a mistake. But the biggest thing for me is, I no longer trust the one person I felt like I could and I don't know how to rebuild that trust or even if it can be. I wasn't sure where to post this, so I figured General would work. Now, to what has me even more confused, unsure if this is even normal... We are having so much sex since I found out. I think about what he did and I don't even like the thought of him touching me, I can hardly look at him, but he gets close to me and it just happens. I feel close to him during and after. It's amazing, it's different. But I keep telling myself not to do it, that I'm in some way rewarding him for what he's done. I want it though, despite telling myself that I don't. I'm so confused as to why. I don't know if it's normal. I don't know why after having him rip out my heart, I still want to be close to him and I still let him make love to me. And I don't know why it's just so... great. When it's going on, when I'm laying in his arms against his chest after, I don't think about it as much. I guess it's an escape considering every other minute of the day is spent dwelling on what he did and all the questions I still have. Is something wrong with me? Should I absolutely stop it?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: South Carolina

nekorb♀ 40306Member # 40306

Posted: 6:32 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

Google "hysterical bonding".

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 2050 | Registered: Aug 2013

MovingUpward♂ 14866Member # 14866

Posted: 8:57 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

What nekorb said. It sounds like you are experiencing what we call hysterical bonding. Not every couple experiences it but many do.

As for trust, that has to be rebuilt a piece at a time through actions. You might have to do some verification like checking cell phone records or ask for his email and passwords just to check on him so that you can see if his words match the action.

As for the hysterical bonding (HB), if he is unwilling to earn his trust back then HB might be his way of distracting you. But if he is working hard to earn trust back then I don't see why HB should be stopped.

AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 54223 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation

Freebygrace♀ 42484Member # 42484

Posted: 9:29 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014

I went through that too. We did the hysterical bonding thing, and it was great. I think he's trying to show you how much he wants you, and it is good. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. But if he remains faithful, it will come back. I do not think my WH would have another A now. I am more worried about if he would always have my back. It's a different kind of trust. But I do hope that someday, I will trust him fully. It's such a confusing thing to go through isn't it?

2 yrs ago I got the exact same story. EA only. Later found out PA and he STILL lies to this day. Said it would never happen again, she was special.

Hysterical bonding - FUN!

Now pregnant.

1 month after telling H I am pregnant (when we thought I could NOT ever get pregnant again) I'm now cycling through 6 kinds of hell. There are multiple online A's of weird sorts and who knows what more because I thought we were different and all this SI stuff didn't apply to us. WRONG

Love yourself enough to stop all time you spend with him and read, read all the stuff here, buy books and read, get counseling....START RIGHT THIS MINUTE putting yourself first and only.

It can only do good, not bad, I promise.

I mostly don't go to the "just found out" forum because I'm afraid to post responses like this.

Honestly, if I knew then what I know now - I would have had him move out (as he expected me to do and now I can't GET him to do) and for us being together ever again to be contingent on IC for us both. I also would not have sex with him until I felt as loved as I did pre-A.

BUT, then I wouldn't be having this wonderful daughter that he thinks is not his (cheaters love to project) and deal with a divorce while pregnant.

I keep telling myself that on the other side of all this there is a blessing somewhere and hopefully my daughter and son will forgive me.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2013

BrokenNShattered♀ 42719Member # 42719

Posted: 9:59 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014

"I went through that too. We did the hysterical bonding thing, and it was great. I think he's trying to show you how much he wants you, and it is good. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. But if he remains faithful, it will come back. I do not think my WH would have another A now. I am more worried about if he would always have my back. It's a different kind of trust. But I do hope that someday, I will trust him fully. It's such a confusing thing to go through isn't it?
He said " he had lied even more than he had already confessed?"

Are you sure it was just a EA?"

The woman he was talking to lives several states away and neither of them traveled as far as I know, so I'm pretty sure that it was just an EA. Thank you for your reply.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: South Carolina

BrokenNShattered♀ 42719Member # 42719

Posted: 9:59 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014

"I went through that too. We did the hysterical bonding thing, and it was great. I think he's trying to show you how much he wants you, and it is good. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. But if he remains faithful, it will come back. I do not think my WH would have another A now. I am more worried about if he would always have my back. It's a different kind of trust. But I do hope that someday, I will trust him fully. It's such a confusing thing to go through isn't it?
He said " he had lied even more than he had already confessed?"

Are you sure it was just a EA?"

The woman he was talking to lives several states away and neither of them traveled as far as I know, so I'm pretty sure that it was just an EA. Thank you for your reply.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: South Carolina

BrokenNShattered♀ 42719Member # 42719

Posted: 10:00 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's nice to put a name on what I'm going through and to know that I'm not just going crazy.