A New Dawn

At the outset I want you to love me. I want that so so much. It is all I want. I am so taken with you I want you with me all the time. I want to see you laugh, smile and gaze at me with nothing but admiration in your beautiful eyes. I am utterly encapsulated by you and I want you to feel the same about me. Desperately. I know that you won’t want to leave someone marvellous like me, but even despite this I have this nagging doubt that you might not want to stay. Thus I redouble my efforts to keep you beside me. I will do anything for you and I love you. I truly do. I cannot help it but I fall in love with you so quickly and so deeply that everything else in the world melts away. You are everything to me and I want to be everything to you. I want to do the things you do. I want to like the things you like. I want us to become one. I want it to be that you cannot see where I start and you end. Such is my overwhelming love for you that I cast everything else aside in my devout pursuit of you. It is with the best of intentions. We belong together. It is written in the stars above and I will utilise every resource that I have, every ounce of willing, every breath in my body to ensure you and I are one. That way you are happy and I am happy. That’s all I want. To be happy.

Beautiful post. But it makes me sad because soon this person will be discarded as well and you’ll move on to someone shiner and newer, as you put it. HG, does it not cause you a lot of stress to constantly be on guard against someone discarding you and taking preemptive measures to avoid that happening?

Thank you LO. No because the strength of attraction caused by all the manipulations that I have described on this blog mean that the risk of the primary source departing is low. I am not constantly or even repeatedly on guard as to that person escaping or taking pre-emptive measures. I admit that if I sense there is a risk of departure this will cause concern at that point, but it does not regularly arise and I do not operate from the viewpoint of considering that the primary source could leave at any moment. I have far greater faith in my abilities and the predictable nature of behaviour in the primary source, which I have seen many times previously. If the risk arises, then a respite or a preventative hoover is unleashed.

Sell Me A Soulmate
I am not whole. I am broken, I may be split right in half, I could even be split in fourths, and I am seeking a piece of my puzzle to complete me, I am looking for my home, a star to brighten my dark frigtening world. I am looking for a piece that needs me as much I as I need them, I am nothing but a lonely lost soul with out you. You ground me, you make me a better human, you are my muse, my motivation, my reason for living, for breathing, you are the only thing that matters in this forsaken world. I could not get out of bed if I did not have you by my side, with you I can battle all my struggles, it’s me and you babe against this cold harsh world. Protect me, I will protect you, entangle with me so that you and I no longer know where we begin or end, you belong to me, I to you, we are one, your pain is now mine, mine should be yours, we are bonded. I look to you to feel okay, if you are not okay then I have done something wrong and I must fix it, I cannot have you disappointed in me, I am here to serve please and impress you, my very being depends on your approval my love, without it, I do no not exsist. This, yes this, the soulmate myth is the greatest tactic a manipulator can utilize to hook me because baby I’m addicted to being all tied up with you, I need you to be my universe, as I sacrifice any core part of myself that is left, for every part of me is unworthy and must be destroyed.

I started crying from The beginning of reading this. Sorry HG. Ignore my weakness. I proudly claim my emotion.
He said I was his muse, his Athena. I believed we were twin flames, one soul separated and fated to unite In this or the next life time. I simply had the tale wrong.
We are of similar sort, bound to one another, narcissist and empath. Filing the void in the other as we know how. Deconstructing one to build the other.
I enjoyed reading that, thank you, the tears were good.

Inspired by HG’s writing, I have returned to writing myself and this week penned a poem originally entitled Ode to a Narcissist. I actually think A New Dawn may be a better title. I have posted it below and would welcome any thoughts or suggested titles. Apologies if I’m stealing a little fuel HG and thank you!

I see you…see you so clearly.
You’re hiding, hiding in the shadows where it’s safe.
Your sensitivity and gentleness shrouded by the gloom.

Don’t be afraid, there’s no need to hide.
You clasp your vulnerability tight to your chest like a frightened child
But the shadows are not safe there is something menacing lurking.

One could be forgiven for believing you are a true romantic reading that HG, it was breathtaking.

As ever I think there is truth in what you say, just that your concept of love is not ours. You seek to assimilate the other and whilst during the seduction phase it seems like perfection, the uniting of twin souls, it’s consequence is annihilation for us.

Totally understand where you are coming from Miss S, narc #2 I was involved with allowed me to know him too well and once I did he could not cope with it and had to go elsewhere because I stopped fuelling him.

This sounds so beautiful because when there is infatuatiom im addition to love them this sounds like the best.. Being one 😍😍.
But in the lomg term being one does not make it easy.. Because love gives spaces to be oneself..
Excellent very very good. A pleasure to read. ❤️❤️

Always searching for the next fix . A higher ” HIGH” .. . I imagine it to be like standing at the gates of heaven staring down at the stairs to hell every single waking moment . It’s not that Rosie afterall when you think about it .

That is what he said to me, I want you to make me happy. I want you to be happy. Why can’t you just be happy? We can’t be someone else’s happy. We can only be our own. He made me unhappy, yet I still loved him. But, did he make me unhappy, or dime make myself unhappy by being disappointed by his behaviour. Was all this unhappiness unreasonable expectations? Well, I nevr chested On Him, never lied to him, nevr stopped telling him all things I loved about him, nevr made him Feel less. What I did was let him know I knew. It was in my knowing that he felt unhappy and less. It was in his awareness that he might be less, not In My eyes, but in his own. I just simply knew too much, when so many knew nothing.

The answer to your question was in my post. But in fairness I did not go into detail and upon rereading it does sound ambigious. I will try to better explain now. If I can. Recall, this is only what I know from him and what I think myself. This may be lengthy.

He never once told me he was unhappy or I made him unhappy( that was my own assumption based on His behaviour patterns, which I know now is how a N operates ), he always told me, falsely or otherwise that I make him very happy, that he was in love with me and that no one has ever made him feel what I make him feel and it can be overwhelming at times. There were several times In the past, I do believe he opened up to me and upon realization of doing such shut back down again.

I think my vast range of emotions allowed him to feel free to express his emotions, especially fury. But, when he opened up about childhood trauma, his mother and experiences, shame, that is when I felt him most. He felt safe in doing so because I listened to him without judgement and accepted him and never made him feel unloved.

But, because I accepted him, the real him. Because I knew so much of him, his past, his fears and doubts and shames. He felt exposed. Perhaps weak.
Whereas, on line meeting women through false idea identities, he could look and be anyone he wanted, it was a fantasy and he sought fuel through that fake adulation. They didn’t know him at all. I think I was a reminder of the real him, the one he hated it. Even though I loved and accepted him. He couldn’t accept himself or admit what he is. It wasn’t because I didnt love him, or he didn’t want me.

It ended because I wanted to love someone that he didn’t want to exist. I was saddened too much by the increased silent treatments and his returns heralding love and promise, the last Hoover at end of silent treatment I definately knew what he was, it wasn’t just a guess anymore,and then he denied it all.
He did say to me once, “it was wrong of me to ensnare you,” he used that exact word, which at the time I thought what an usual a choice of words, I asked him why he choose that word, as words have meaning to me. He said it is for “the attachment you have with me. I was selfish in wanting your love.” I recall my words, which are prophetic….I willing gave you my love. And I did. As I thought from his words and behaviour he indeed loved me back. In his way and how he can, I am certain he did.
Maybe I and us and facing who or what he is was just too much. The greener pastures of naivity and unawareness glinted promise to him. He can be whomever he chooses to be, especially not himself and no one, but him is aware.
All I say for him is mind the fury….as when it ignites, it explodes and he will be surprised at how others will not abide by such. It is too much to take. But I did it take. Thusly, Creating an endless licking of wounds.

So he wasn’t unhappy, I interpreted he was unhappy, for seeking fuel elsewhere. I was the one who was unhappy. He reaped much fuel from me over many years, there is no cessation to my fuel. Why he never discarded me and why he will continue to Hoover and attempt to keep me. It is me, who cannot continue with the knowledge of the lies and women and inability to even look at who he is. Not change, but acknowledge and accept. Maybe even try, without blaming me for my own awareness,

Even after writing this , it still seems unexplainable, I know what I mean, maybe the translation of such is Impossible to fully communicate. Hope you understand my answer Nikita.
I enjoy questions, never feel you cannot ask me anything. I will always endeavour to answer.

Hi Jana
Thamks for the answer. I more or less understand and see it was painful. And you told some days ago also it meant lots of pain. I wish you all the best in gathering strength for the healing journey. Its long and painful but possible. 🌅

It painful to endure abuse from Anyone especially someone you love. I wonder if he really knew how I loved him. I recall HG said months ago, he didn’t care if I loved him. Yes, moving on for some reason seems such a struggle emotionally. Once he is purged it will easier. Thank you Nikita ❤️

what comes up to my mind with this love discussions is that sometimes people offer love which is not the love that the other person gets fulfilled with. What I see with parents sometimes.. Is they do things for their children because they love them and in my opinion those actions are not love…

Yes, Nikita, he couldn’t a dot being loved and accepted for himself, I think superficial adoration fuelled hi to the high he needed, my was always real and I know it fuel him as he was with me, but during silent treatments that is where he took his fuel from. C’ est la vie, I gave my all to him. He gave very little in return.

This is the way it will be even for a short term. Make certain the fuel is potently mid-high or devaluation begins up to temporary termination. I kid you not I have no mercy for in line are plentiful. Can you keep it up? A perfect post.

Very interesting. Is abandonment every a thought of yours? Do you feel you have to end any relationship first because you could not stand to be let go? Not because it’s lost fuel. I think you have more then enough storage units to hook into. I just wonder if abandonment isn’t a factor.

I certainly do not want to be the one who is discarded, that is a huge criticism. The fear of being abandoned is not something however which prompts me to discard first.I have written previously about what those factors are that cause us to jettison you. If I thought you were going to discard me I would apply a preventative hoover in order to maintain the primary source of fuel. If I already have a primary source organised and I am waiting to switch to a replacement I still would not want you to discard me since it would still amount to a criticism and in such a circumstance I would not apply a preventative hoover but I would discard you. Even if you manage to discard me first, I will still tell the world that I got rid of you.