Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Your Girlfriend: A Manual

So, you've gotten yourself a girlfriend, eh? Pretty good model, too. An '81, exemplary year for girlfriends.
Unfortunately, your specific '81 has a few...shall we say, defects?
Nothing to worry about, I assure you, but allow me to give you this user's guide to reference as you move forward.

1) Don't Feed Your Girlfriend After Midnight.
No particular reason, rather than a slew of small ones. Plus, this is a good rule to follow, regarding anything that came from the 1980's.
a. Your Girlfriend's blood sugar will spike just as you've fallen asleep, and she is likely to poke at you and ask inane questions.
b. Depending upon the food, Your Girlfriend will become abhorrently gassy fragrant.
c. If said food was at all fattening, no matter how fast Your Girlfriend gobbles it up, she is likely to be mad at you in the morning for having made it available.

2) Under No Circumstances is Your Girlfriend Allowed in a Holiday Inn Express or Affiliates.
Though, in all likely circumstances, you will never get past the lobby with her in tow.

Say your goodbyes

Unfortunately, this particular model has some fire-starting tendencies. While details remain a little murky, suffice to say, there was pancake batter, a camp stove, and some wildly illogical thinking involved somewhere outside of Portland, Oregon; culminating in the loss of some draperies and a comforter, and some scorch marks on furniture.
Your Girlfriend will claim she did said Inn a favor by burning their "ugly furniture," but as of this printing The Holiday has not been swayed.

3)Whenever Possible, Open Doors for Your Girlfriend
Unless, of course, you want to eat your calzone to the tune of "Manners in This Country have Really Gone Down the Shitter."

4) Avoid Leaving Your Girlfriend Alone Near any Cooking Device
This relates back to Rule 2. Sadly, our '81 model has a real affinity for cooking fires.
Learn to love signs. A mere post-it stating something like, "Never try to fry food in our toaster! Never Ever!" will save you a lot of time and anguish...And toasters.

5) Don't Chase Your Girlfriend
She just hates it.

6) Never Speak to Your Girlfriend Before the "Caffeination Process" has Completed
This is really for your own protection.

7) Memorize These Rules and Learn to Love Them
They won't be changing any time soon. Indeed, the '81 model is particularly stubborn and prone to outbursts.

Congratulations, once again! You have really gotten yourself into something here! Remember, like anything else in life, nothing is guaranteed. While Your Girlfriend, '81 is one of our more finicky models, there remain a lot of incentives. This model is not for everyone, but for the right person she will provide love, affection, and even a laugh or two. She might even buy you a shirt and tie on occasion, or convince you to go on weekend trips you may have missed out on otherwise. Just don't take her to a Holiday Inn.