True, and Not-So-True Stories From Around the World

New Study Finds That Correlation Does Equal Causation

A new article published by Yay! Science, a non-peer reviewed weekly online science magazine owned by Rupert Murdoch, Thomas Friedman and Glenn Beck, proves definitively that correlation does actually mean causation. Cletus Fartswallow, the middle-school educated author of the study, said, “we were sick and tired of people telling us that just because two things are correlated, that doesn’t mean one causes the other. This hurt our feelings, so it can’t be true.”

The argument centers on taking down the common example that people use, which is: shark attacks and sales of ice cream both go up in the summer time, but that doesn’t mean ice cream causes shark attacks. Cletus says this is just not true, as people who eat ice cream are slower and more desirable prey for sharks, and this causes an increase in shark attacks.

They conducted an experiment by having people eat ice cream and swim in a tank full of sharks. All of those people were eaten. Then they had people not eat ice cream and not swim in a tank full of sharks. None of those people were eaten.

“We concluded that correlation does equal causation,” Cletus said.

Maximilian Ordersly, a scientist, protested that their experiment doesn’t prove anything because it’s not double blind.

Cletus thinks this attack is preposterous. “Our study was double blind. We did it regular and then had two blind people do it and it turned out the same way. We had to help them a little bit because they were blind, but we think it’s still valid.”

Maximilian shook his head and groaned, “you’re right, I guess correlation does equal causation.” He said, without a hint of sarcasm.

This article follows Cletus’ last logical breakthrough, which proved that anecdotal evidence is valid because, “one time my mom told me that it was.”

Their headlining article next week is a scathing takedown of evolution titled, “If We’re Related To Monkeys, Why Don’t They Speak English?” Although not necessary, actual monkeys were harmed in the writing of the article.