An online journal from perhaps the biggest, stupidest Tommy on all the internet.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

True Facts About DST

Good morning, campers. I hope this Sunday finds you all fairly rested, and recovered from the tumult of having an hour stolen from you.

Stolen.

I don't want you to think of it any other way.

Those bastards stole an hour from you.

But you'll get your revenge. We'll all get our revenge.

But first? A few facts about the time change:

The official term is Daylight Saving Time. Not Daylight Savings Time. You need to know this the next time you're speaking in front of the local Rotary Club. The last thing you want is to be beaten to a pulp by a bunch of local busybodies with enough time to beat somebody up over what amounts to a pedantic pronunciation argument. I worry that this will happen to you. A lot. It keeps me up at night.

History will tell you Modern Daylight Saving Time was proposed by New Zealander George Vernon Hudson, in 1895. But what if I told you it was invented by the first president of the United States? Truth is, Hudson was an immortal, who lived under several names in his life. Among those? George Washington. The clues are there. Same first name. Washington lived at Mt. Vernon. And Washington understood the import of the strategic value of the Hudson during the American Revolution. Hudson was but one of the identities of the immortal originally born Eustace Ironmonger in England in 1312. He was ultimately destroyed by The Kurgan in the late 1960's.

Did you realize you traveled through time last night? And as a time traveller, you are entitled to one down-filled vest like the one Michael J. Fox wears in Back to the Future. Just walk into JCPenney and take it. Only rule: if stopped by security or store personnel, you are allowed only to speak in quotes from the Back to the Future Trilogy.

The hours taken from you are kept in an abandoned mall in Cleveland, Ohio, in what used to be a Lane Bryant clothing store. They are kept under guard by former NBA superstar Manute Bol, and his squad of chihuahuas that have had their teeth replaced with razors and needles. Watch out for the chihuahua named "Lou." His teeth have been replaced with hypodermic needles. We don't know for sure what he'll inject you with, but it's probably plague.

I hope you weren't farting at 2 AM. There is an old Inuit saying that says "Whatever you do when the hour leaves, will come back to haunt you ninefold when the hour returns." This saying is true, though the math is 9.267fold.

I don't sleep much.

A lot of this post was written while I was sitting on the commode. I place the laptop on the vanity, which is rather poorly placed, in relation to the commode, but makes a handy table for blogging, should the need arise.

You know you don't actually save daylight, right? You just move the clock around. You get the same exact amount of daylight, you just experience it at different times.

Watch out Wednesday. That's the first shift where I have to be at work at 6 after the time change. I likely be a raging barbarian that morning. Because my brain thinks we'll be waking up at 3:45 in the morning. And my brain don't like that.

I'm just messing with you. I'd likely be a raging barbarian in the morning no matter what. It's kinda my thing, until I've had my fourteen cups of coffee and bowl full of Weetabix

My bowels are indifferent toward the time change, at the moment. I'll keep you in the loop on that one.