UKIP to offer EXPRESS readers FREE online remedial ENGLISH lessons

Reports are suggesting that UKIP are set to roll out a programme of free online remedial English lessons for its members who comment on the DAILY EXPRESS website after a study found that 99.7% of kipper comments were “frankly quite fucking embarrassing,” according to an insider.

“No wonder the public at large think UKIP members are as thick as bollocks,” said UKIP representative Paul Nutter. “I’m all in favour of taking our country back – but not for these fucking idiots. They’re an embarrassment. They don’t even seem to have a grasp of the basics, like punctuation and when to use capitals, and when it comes to the difference between there, their and they’re – they’re fucking clueless.

“They’re the same with your and you’re. And let me tell you I’ve wept tears of blood at the number of times I’ve seen people wanting to reclaim our “boarders.” It’s a disgrace really, when the migrants speak better English than the natives, so we’re rolling out this education programme.

“I very much doubt it’ll have much effect. To be honest I’m thinking of defecting to the Tories.”