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misconstrued weakness

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Growing up i didn’t think i was tough, i didn’t know what tough even meant as kid.. if there was a chance i might have thought i was tough or strong it was shut down by always being told i was nothing but a little b**ch or a little girl or a p***y and that’s just to keep it mild, but anything you could say to make a little boy feel like a little girl was said…

i never thought i was tough or strong in all the fights i got into as a kid or an adult, maybe i won or maybe i didn’t, it didn’t matter, i just knew i could handle my own for the most part…

i looked for answers in all i was going through, i was told on a few occasions that ” i was incredibly strong for what i had been through ” or that all that i had been through would make me “tough”…. i couldn’t see that, in fact i thought that i was incredibly weak…

i thought that i was a weak person because i couldn’t let go of the past for the longest time…

i thought for sure i was a weak person if i let it show that what i was going through was bothering me or getting to me, that is perhaps why nobody knew me and everyone thought i was alright.. to me pretending to be okay was far easier than admitting to myself i wasn’t okay…

i held it together most of the time, but i saw that you can only maintain a full glass of water so long before it begins to overflow, crack or tip over… i hid it so no one would see, i covered myself with a blanket and the streaming began… i never knew you could cry that much, it wouldn’t stop i thought for sure i would run my tears dry or that my tear glands would stop producing… and in that moment it made me feel so weak and vulnerable…

in re-piecing myself together i look at the broken pieces of who i once was, the memories within each piece, the pain, tears and every emotion that consumes those pieces, were i foolishly thought it was all making me weak i see now that it was strengthening me… i couldn’t see it in the midst of going through and feeling it, but i can begin to understand it as i look back on it…

tough wasn’t the fact that i could handle my own in a fight, or not allow myself to feel or cry when i was upset, everything i went through in my past not only made me tough but it gave me strength..

Reblogged this on Turbulence at the Boundaries and commented:
All of this rings so true. Every word. It’s so easy to feel such deep loneliness when you acknowledge these painful old truths. You think you’re the only one who feels this way, that the rest of humanity is a jolly, normal bunch. This post took a tremendous amount of courage to write. Especially in this culture, where men are supposed to suck it up all the time. Thank You Teddylee.

Great post Teddy! We are at our best when we live according to our strengths, ever mindful of our limitations, It’s important never to see a limitation as a weakness. Good to see your writing again. Stay Strong!

Sometimes it’s hard to be confident, especially when we were young. I used to feel like a failure whenever I struggled, but now I know struggles make me stronger and if I don’t let them get to me, I’ll triumph.

Being strong isn’t the lack of troubles, it’s how you choose to face the roadblocks head on.

We are always stronger than we realize when we are living in the crap that life hands us from time to time. I have discovered that I am stronger than most. Because with all the bad things I live thru, or am living thru… I am still here. When so many have given up and stopped fighting the fight of just living.

Finally got I read something from you! It’s kind of hard for guys in general to show emotions isn’t it? Society and the stereotypes it brings with it make our minds think it’s feminine for a guy to show emotions. Haven’t you heard people callin out to small boys who cry “don’t be such a girl”. It’s the same everywhere, but I’m vey happy that you have learned to deal with your past and are making progress:)

Hello Teddy – you have quite a blog/a life – You are gifted with getting your thoughts down in print. Hoping and praying for the best for you in all you do – you have a lot to give. Thank you for sharing so much of you – 😀
And thank you for finding me and liking.
cate b

Hey teddy, I understand a lot of what you went through. I think the reason why I went into depression is because I never let anyone in and I never let anything out. So no one knew what I was going through. Its great that you managed to move on from this period.

When I went into depression 3 years ago, I started going to see this counsellor/hypnotherapist.

And I started telling my best friend everything that was happening in my life. As I let her in I slowly become more comfortable with sharing what happened with my life. And I also realised that I wasn’t the only person who was experiencing these hardships since she comes from a similar background to me.

talking about it was so hard. I always feared someone will Judge me or will tell me that I am being deliberately lazy and not finding a problem. But I just forced myself to anyway.

The thing is I found that a lot more people are going through the same things I did. What surprised me was how people went the extra mile to make sure that I was okay. It was then that I started seeing that my life was in some sense worthwhile.

The thing is there are always going to be times where I dont feel like letting anyone in. Even now. But as time passes I learned how to stop dwelling on them as much as I used to.

Your post reminds me of a few weeks ago when There was a wordpress daily prompt about what aspects one would redo in ones life. I couldn’t write anything for that prompt. life has been hard but it made me who i am. Your piece is so raw and honest. Keep rebuilding and “repiecing”

Teddy, I saw where you had liked a post of mine about depression, so I clicked over to your blog. I chose a post at random to read and then realized I needed to read them all to do your life story justice and give it the honor it deserves.

From what I piece together after reading all, I feel as if any childhood moments of happiness, joy, and peace were rare for you. However, I’m seeing resilience and self-esteem and peace arising in you as you grow older.

My post about a person who was privileged to grow up in a loving family with loving parents seems so foreign to your posts about your life, and I sadly wonder what YOUR thoughts are when you are given a glimpse into how a happy family interacts…so very sad for me to imagine the experiences in your childhood that stunted and shut you down. I pray that from henceforth, you will be surrounded by people who mean you good, not harm.

And then I think about all the many, many inane posts I read on Facebook that young people who grow up solidly “middle-class” with all the advantages write; many of them are so “hipster-cool” and so cocky and excruciatingly sarcastic that it just makes me want to put blogs like yours right up in their face and say “grow up…you don’t know one thing about life’s hardships…your coolness disgusts me”.

May God bless you and bring forth events in your life, even through your blog and your writings, that lead to kind things happening for you and kind people loving you…all your remaining days.

I agree with you about the FB posts, what so many like myself have gone through life must have thought we could handle while others maybe not so much… but i see things differently i guess…
thank you for taking the time and reading what i wrote, it means the world to me…

Thanks for sharing, Teddylee. When I read your lines I thought of a quote I had written down from a book about positive psychology that is – like you and all of us – focusing on resources, healing and the healthy parts we still have. Translated it would be something like: Our true self can not be destroyed by disharmony like the mirror that does not get scratches when shown a knife.” Maybe it makes sense to you, too. It made a lot of sense to me when I read it…
Best
Noelani

Reblogged this on Iconography ♠ Incomplete and commented:
There is so much honesty here that I understand it perfectly. Words are more horrible and deadly than nuclear bombs (though of course a bomb’s potency is not dismantled by something considered more deadly; a shark cannot tell a lion that he/she is not deadly). To be constantly under emotional terrorism is a reason why the beauty of the world is hurt and raped over and over.