dizasters heart shaped box

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

You've searched the house. You checked the car. You checked your kids room. You've called your phone and heard nothing. Your iPhone is missing. But where is it?

Immediately your mind will begin to race.Gah!!What is the day of the week?What is my account balance?What the fuck does 2+2 equal???

And then panic sets in as you realize: Everyone will think Ive died.

But this is no time for panic. Keep your wits about you as you open your laptop and fire off necessary emails to loved ones.

"I'm ok. I haven't died. My mom took my iPhone to work on accident".

The first thing you may notice is that your random thoughts travel to your fingers, in the usual fashion, but having no release they bounce back to your brain. Let these thoughts go. No one cares about them any way. You need to concentrate so that you may get back to your misplaced iPhone, and resume mindless chit chat and the usual volley of LOLs and OMGs.WARNING: So many people complain that texting and driving is dangerous. Well, be warned that writing and driving is way more perilous. Do not attempt this. You may end up in someones yard. The to-do list action items and random thoughts about traffic lights and what color socks youre wearing can wait.

You may find yourself tapping messages absentmindedly on your desk, steering wheel, leg, etc. This is a side effect and is normal.

You may see other people using their iPhones and think "maybe they will let me borrow their phone to check the weather, my Facebook status, etc. Don't attempt this. It's shameful.

If you need to write down important thoughts, wait until you get to your moms office and use paper. I have attached a reference photo of pen and paper, so that you may know what to look for.

This is what notepad looks like when you don't have an iPhone. It's not an app. It's like what the pioneers used! There is no keyboard on paper. Pick up the stylus (or pen as its called) and begin to write. You will notice that your handwriting is illegible and the pen does not come with an auto correct feature. Ignore this. When you get your phone back these skills will go back to being useless as they should be.

And finally, when your mom shows up and says "You can't live with out your phone for 2 hours?"

Be honest with her.

"Has it only been 2 hours?"

Next in the IPhone users guide: Chapter 38 - "Reunited and it feels so good! Rediscovering your iPhone."

Monday, January 31, 2011

Take love. Not just admiration or mild flirtation. Real love. The kind of love that changes you, evokes emotions without words, builds a whole comfortable world for you to exist in blissfulness with someone who is your other half in every sense.

Take that love and subtract 411 miles. Love at 411 miles exists through written and spoken words. All the elements of a normal relationship are stripped away in the physical sense and you have communication and memories of precious hours spent together after long trips in the car.

In between days I have learned so much about relationships. Lessons that are hidden when you are with someone physically every day.

I've learned that waiting for someone to arrive at your door can be just as exhausting as watching them leave.

I've learned that not only does a picture speak a thousand words, it conveys just as many emotions and promises.

I've learned that there is no room for jealousy. Mistrust will shake the foundation, and the building is too precious to allow it to crumble under the weight of suspicion.

I've learned that your world can revolve around someone even if you can't see them every day.

I've learned that arguments are should be chosen carefully, because any words exchanged should be pleasant. Its important to remember that each exchange is a gift best not spoiled by insecurities and issues that really aren't that important anyway.

I've learned the art of compassion. Imagination is required to listen to the day to day life of a place you've never seen, people you've never met, a world you don't exist in. Not just listening but giving genuine interest and understanding.

I've learned that not only can the other person be your lover when you are together, but they can also be your fantasy, replacing all other fantasies, because when they are away they exist in your mind as an object of desire, and when they are with you those fantasies come to life.

At 411 miles the future means everything. It's a waste of emotion to dwell on things that have already happened. Useless to look backwards. Forward thinking is what gets you through the day.

I've learned how to fight. I've felt someone fight for me. Every step in this journey is a step wearing heavy shoes, and makes us stronger.

Most importantly I've learned how to be thankful for this person. I take nothing for granted. Each "i love you" is worth more than the stars in the universe, and I'm holding on to those I love yous tightly. As hard as this is, I have learned not to dwell on the difficulty too much, and be thankful that I have him at 411 miles, rather than have nothing at all.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ever see those cartoons, where someone (maybe its elmer fudd, i dont know) walks up to a cute bear cub sitting alone in the woods... they assume the bear is lost, or dosent know its way, and when they try to approach it for rescue, the mama bear jumps out of nowhere, and the person really gets it? Maybe it was a cartoon, or a story I heard, or something i just fuckin made up just now this minute.

But the moral is:Dont get in between a mother and her child, whatever the species.

My son has been kicking up quite a shit storm lately, back talking, whining, crying, acting in general like an ill-tempered dwarf. At least, thats what i see when i look at him. I had an incident this week at Party City, where after a day of full throttle balls-to-the-wall antics, I found the edge of my sanity. I had been dancing dangerously close to this edge for quite some time, and when he fell out and took a fit at the check out stand, one proverbial foot slipped over this edge. I took him outside, and proceeded to tell him that "He had better stop this whining and crying dammit or he was going to get it!!"

2 women were walking into the store, and the one closest to me decided to get smart. Like the good intentioned citizen rescuing that baby bear, she glared at me and said "You shouldnt talk to your child that way" and then she went inside the store, her over-inflated ego trailing behind her.

I saw red.

I threw that door open and shouted, "YOU just STAY OUT OF IT"!!

I had the attention of the whole store.

She spun on her heels and looked at me and said, "You shouldnt say those things to your child.""Its my business what i say to my child!" I screamed."Well, I have 3 children at home..." she attempted."And what? Your kids are fuckin perfect?" I shouted(like having more than one child qualifies you as competent parent. Didnt Andrea Yates have 5 children? Dont give me that shit.)"Well, how old is he? 4 years old?" she asked, by now, her voice growing softer."Yeah, he is!" I said "Dont you EVER try to come in between a mother and her child!! Mind your own fucking business!!" I yelled and slammed the door.

( I had to check my feet, constantly, because my brain kept telling my feet to charge, and my fist to punch her straight in her too-smart grill.)

She turned to my girlfriend, who was still at the checkout, and informed her that i had said "damn" to my child. I suppose she was looking for someone who agreed with her, someone to back her up. But my girlfriend reminded her to mind her own damn business, and who was she to judge anybody?

Heres the deal folks. At least I was disciplining my child. All children are different and what works with one dosent work with the other, and how i want to discipline my child is MY business. I wasnt beating him (yet) or dropping f-bombs on his tiny ears. But hey, at least I was doing something, instead of letting him scream and act spoiled.

I can tell you one thing, that bitch will never say anything like that to anyone again. My girlfriend said the woman was visibly shaking when i left the store.

Friday, September 4, 2009

has anyone else experienced dreams of using? i used to have a dream every night about using. some nights i dream that my old friends are there, and we are looking for the dope. before i became separated from my husband, i dreamed that we were splitting the dope and going our separate ways. sometimes i wake up anxious after these dreams, in the dreams i really "feel" the effects of being high. in one dream in particular, the dope is stranded on a rock in the middle of the ocean, and i am trying like hell to free it from getting wet...

i remember an experience of going to the dentist for a filling, and they numbed me pretty good. while in the chair, i thought it was funny that the dentist would numb me to keep me from feeling any pain, but i was more likely to bite into my tongue or cheek and draw blood, and would be in pain later anyway.Bored in the chair, trying to take my mind off the procedure, i realized that my old was life had the same theme: i had spent a long time "numbing" myself with drugs or just by turning off my emotions and ended up hurting myself worse in spite of myself. when the numbness wore off, i had all these memories (bad and good) to associate emotions with. all these experiences to put behind me all at once, bum rush, instead of one at a time or as they happened. and now i am left with an acute sense of loss. loss because i didnt feel those things as they happend, i missed out on experiencing life with the truest of all barometers; the human emotion.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I am quite taken with this hisorical figure, whose ambition courted, betrothed, bedded and wedded a fearsome king; Henry VIII. His desire for Anne resulted in Englands excommunication with the church. And by all accounts, she was not considered to be extremely attractive. Based on some literature i read recently, i was inspired to do this piece, which depicts Anne sewing her own head back on. Based on how ambitious she was, I really feel that she if she could have sewn her head back on, she definately would have, and taken vengence on her enemies. Vivat Anna!!

Anna Bolina Regina Ultionis

Some additional info:Anne Boleyn (1507?-1536)

She was the second wife of Henry VIII, and historians still argue as to whether they were legally married. She became pregnant before their marriage, which hastened their union. Henry VIII fought heaven and earth to make Anne his wife, but he became tired of her shortly after they were married. Since she couldn't produce a male heir, her popularity with Henry VIII began to falter. Rumors of adultery and the legitimacy of Elizabeth began to spread. Henry VIII, being a man who could be easily swayed, began to believe in the rumors.

“Evidence” of adultery, treason, and incest with her brother began to mount against Anne. Despite her pleas and protests, she was found guilty, and was to be put to death either by burning or beheading; whichever the king found most suitable. Plagued by his conscience, Henry VIII decided to have a swordsman from Calais do the deed. It took one stroke to remove her head. She had not yet been dead 2 weeks before Henry VIII was onto his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour.

I write these for no reason other than their metaphorical lament filled the empty space of my head suddenly, for no apparent reason, during meditations... i would like to keep track of the ebb and flow of my subconscious mind.

1.

sleepless shifting

tossing and drifting

towards the origin of the wind

that spot where spotless thoughts flood intelligence

complete and important with undeniable relevance

screaming and stifled

unfinished business

2.

everything

falls

apart

eventually

eyes leave the road to glance at eachother

retrograde rims shimmering cold against the blur of the pavement.

gestures exchanged like emotional currency passing between strangers

showing lust or aggression

eventually

apart

falls

everything

3.

swimming

my head swims in a sea of unrecognizable creatures

reeling

to reel one of these things to the surface, like a thought bursting through the current

my grandpa is losing his battle with cancer and is waiting for my mom and i to come and say goodbye.i have been fearing this moment since i was a small child. in fact i used to imagine them dead, all of them, mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles; no one was safe from my mental holocaust... all in an effort to prepare myself for the actual day they die. and i would cry in my bed, in the dark, until my sobs were only the shape of my mouth, utterly void of sound. did it work? no. not really. i wont sit here and describe how i feel, because anyone who has lost someone knows what this feels like. however, i would like to share that i am struck with the accute horror that when i lose my parents, it will be twice this much sadness, respectively. and i will add that my grandfather is dying from the same cancer that my dad had. and they are not related. they both developed tumors in the same spot, the same year, almost the same month. so i get the joy of having one cancer patient survive, and the despair of one dying. seems like my joy should balance out my sadness, and i would feel nothingness? why cant emotions be logical like that?