Good coping and problem-solving skills make it easier to untangle conflict, manage stress, cope with depression, and make changes to get the life you want.

Unfortunately, it’s common during a depressive episode to feel trapped, hopeless, and overwhelmed. Not the best mindset for coping with that other terrible trio.

Empower yourself by polishing up your problem-solving skills. In fact, that’s good advice for everyone. Remember what Albert Einstein said: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

There are four essential steps to the process: Define the problem carefully, brainstorm possible responses, decide which one to try, and figure out how to put it into action.

The basic method can be applied to immediate difficulties like relationship difficulties, issues at work, or unsettling life events. In fact, “planful problem-solving” is one of the major categories on something called the Ways of Coping Checklist, which evaluates how an individual reacted to a specific stressful situation.

(Others options on the checklist include avoidance, confrontation, seeking social support, and reinterpreting the situation in a positive light.)

Margaret of San Diego calls on techniques gleaned in years of cognitive behavioral therapy to cope with the tensions that arise when sharing living space with roommates. First, she counsels herself to slow down and think through the best way to proceed.

“I choose my battles carefully and try not to be so reactive,” she says.

She also aims to understand the other person’s perspective on what’s transpiring: “Just step out of the situation and it can make such a difference,” she says.

Problem-solving has long since been incorporated into management of chronic medical conditions such as diabetes. The idea is that proper self-care requires flexibility, creativity and a “can-do” attitude as you deal with varying situations—a particularly difficult day, a trip that disrupts your exercise routine—and changes in the illness itself over time.

The same principles apply to managing depression—but the medical literature suggests that depression and problem solving are not best buddies. Feeling overwhelmed by life events or hopeless about making changes contributes to depressive episodes, and vice versa.

In a 2006 study in the journal Depression and Anxiety, researchers from Massachusetts General Hospital noted that “major depressive disorder is associated with poor problem-solving abilities.” They found that as depressive symptoms improved across several subgroups they looked at, problem-solving also improved.

British researchers who looked at problem-solving in people with depression found an association between high levels of rumination and less effective solutions in a given exercise.

Basically, problem-solving boils down to this: “Here is something that hinders my well-being, and here is something I can do about that.” In a larger sense, it can be useful in any area you’d like to change, from lifestyle behaviors to your future path.

Margaret believes that learning problem-solving skills should be a matter of course for everyone.

“I wish they were taught in more places to more people,” she says, adding: “I think there’s always more than one way to solve a problem, and that there are options.”

Basic techniques

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which has been so helpful for Margaret, is considered a problem-solving therapy because it looks at immediate issues and focuses on specific solutions.

“Almost every effective therapy has an element of problem-solving: cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, behavioral, dialectical, and acceptance and commitment therapy,” asserts Christine Maguth Nezu, PhD, a professor of both psychology and medicine at Drexel University in Philadelphia.

However, there is also a treatment formally known as problem-solving therapy (PST), which Nezu developed with her husband, Arthur M. Nezu, PhD. The couple run the Nezu Stress and Coping Research Lab at Drexel, building on research into how resilient people cope successfully with life’s challenges.

Christine Nezu describes PST as “something that’s very respectful of stress and the challenges people have, rather than just a ‘treatment’ for depression and anxiety.” She says practicing the steps of problem-solving helps overcome the emotional overload and “brain freeze” that can keep us immobilized when faced with a difficult situation.

Therapists who work on problem-solving use interactive exercises and motivational homework to help people develop concrete ways to reduce their distress and enhance their well-being. Along the way, participants should develop more confidence in their ability to handle stressors (a trait known as self-efficacy).

“I like to take into account the people involved and the effect my actions will have on them, plus the possible repercussions of my actions on me. I basically really think things through, and I think before I speak or act.”

Tyler notes that the process requires a time commitment—and a willingness to experiment. He also recognizes the importance of tracking your progress.

“Learn to self-monitor and keep a daily log of incidents of what works and doesn’t,” says Tyler. “Then use that log as a tool with your therapist. Don’t be afraid to try new coping skills and give everything a chance.”

Those methods have helped him deal with aspects of his social anxiety.

“My mind gets stuck in an anxious loop,” he explains. “So I use coping mechanisms to distract myself from focusing on the anxiety. I remember to breathe, or feel the fabric of my jeans and silently describe to myself the way it feels in detail. I’ve used these techniques at work and in life in general.”

Making progress

Problem-solving therapy, also known as problem-solving treatment or structured problem solving, can help you identify life goals, assess barriers that interfere with achieving those goals, and figure out workarounds.

Many people get frustrated by slow or zero progress toward things they desire, whether pertaining to appearance, friendships, or money. That invites major stress, says research psychologist Denise Cummins, PhD, author of Good Thinking: Seven Powerful Ideas That Influence the Way We Think.

“If what you do each day feels like you’re getting somewhere, it also feels like you’re empowered and making progress and you have hope,” she says. “Feeling disempowered can lead to depression and anxiety.”

Having what Cummins calls“a well-defined problem” makes it easier to brainstorm an effective solution and a clear procedure to get from A to B. There’s an art to drilling down into whatever issue or emotion is troubling you so that you can uncover a specific situation or behavior to tackle.

Then you need to organize your knowledge correctly, ask the right questions, and work forward from known information. In other words, make a plan.

“If you’re making scrambled eggs, you know you’re going to get scrambled eggs if you follow the recipe,” says Cummins.

She points out that simply having an end destination isn’t productive.

“We overwhelm ourselves because we want to go full force toward a major goal—like losing 20 pounds or working in the prized corner office,” Cummins notes.

We can’t get there in one big leap, though. Instead, “we want to reduce differences between where we are now and where we want to be.”

Thus the standard advice to break big goals down into smaller sub-goals.

“Do the one you can do right now,” Cummins says. “Each day you’ll feel like you’re getting somewhere, making progress. When you do, you feel empowered and that reduces your anxiety level and your depression. Get closer and you’ll have more hope and won’t feel stymied.”

Emotional cues

“We naturally want to avoid pain and negative feelings,” she notes. “With a problem-solving approach, you actually want to be aware of inner experiences—sadness, tension or worry.”

Sure, it’s uncomfortable, but avoidance isn’t the answer, she says. Neither is brooding or self-blame. Instead, use your feelings as a clue that something is out of synch—and as guidance for where to direct your energy in making changes.

“Your feelings are very precious,” Nezu explains. “Tell yourself, ‘I’m going to actually listen to what’s going on, perhaps at a lower level, to inform me of what I want to change in life.’

“Try to generate ideas about how to overcome, go through, and around barriers. That trains your brain to do something different.”

Sometimes the process brings you face to face with one of life’s harsh truths: Some things are not in your power to change. Shayla of Pleasant Grove, Utah, cites a strained relationship with a sister as an ongoing problem.

“Thinking about that constantly used to control me,” says Shayla, 29. She wanted to fix it, but discussions with her therapist led to a transformative “aha!” moment.

“I realize that her feelings and actions are not within my control. Understanding that is huge for me and helps me manage other difficult things that come up.”

What she can control are her own behavior and thoughts, like worries that she won’t be able to accomplish something she undertakes.

“I have sometimes found myself asking, ‘What if I fail?’ Then I have said, ‘OK, let’s step back and realize that I probably won’t fail. I may decide that, in fact, this isn’t for me.’ Now I check my thoughts instead of letting them control me.”

That gives Shayla the mental space and energy to deal with conflicts, whether internal or external.

“That’s what problems are—conflicts with yourself, relationships and work—even your phone! Now my brain and body don’t react to those thoughts. My problem-solving is improving, even during a crisis.”

Next, weigh those ideas using a “rational cost-benefit analysis.” After that, develop an action plan. Once you implement your plan, track the results so you can figure out what works or whether to try something else.

Here is Nezu’s advice on how to be a more effective problem-solver:

Don’t catastrophize or get trapped in your own thoughts.

Step out of the situation for a clearer view.

Take small steps toward your goal so you don’t get overwhelmed.

Understand what you can control and what you can’t.

Temper your emotions so you can call upon and use your life skills.

Avoid the temptation of negative thinking and hopelessness.

Although working with a therapist can be especially fruitful, Nezu also recommends Moving Forward: Overcome Life’s Challenges. This free online course is designed for military veterans and service members, but it’s “user-friendly” for everyone, she says.

SoundOFF!

HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?