Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Beer Interrupted

I like beer. I don't drink alot of it, though. When I have beer, I usually have two - three if I'm interrupted. The first beer does two things: it takes the edge off your thirst and it acts as Pavlov's bell, so to speak. In young men, one beer leads to many and hijinks ensue. Many years later, a man's mind is still conditioned to taste the first beer and immediately expect, though not necessarily accept responsibility for, some kind of revelry. Another beer MUST follow. At a certain age, the second beer induces the same response as the second 5 minutes of playing a basketball game: "I need to take a nap." With the second beer, you can sit down, relax and enjoy the flavor (unless you are still drinking the cheap beer you drank to excess in college). This is where the interruption comes in. You are sippping and enjoying, focused on March Madness or NFL playoffs or a replay of a classic world series and you feel "the presence." Someone is staring at the side of your face. Despite the signal in your head saying "if I don't look, she won't be there", the second beer has you in a good mood and you turn your head."I need to talk to you for a minute," says your wife/girlfriend/significant other.Now, "I need to talk to you" is not as bad as "We need to talk.""We need to talk" is always followed by legal action: either you are getting married or you are getting divorced. "I need to talk to you" implies "you need to listen to me", but this is where some guys get in trouble. You know how, when you install some new software on your computer, there’s that long legal contract and two little checkboxes – "accept" or "don’t accept"? Do you ever read the document? No. Because if you check "don’t accept", you don’t get the software; but you want the software, so you just accept it. When she says "I need to talk to you" those two boxes appear before you. And a woman always has something you are going to want later, so you "accept" without reading the contract you just agreed to. Later you are going to hear, "Why didn’t you _________ like I asked you. You said okay just two hours ago.""Um, I wasn’t really listening, I was just watching the game."This, as specified in the agreement you didn't pay attention to, is followed by, "We need to talk."So, in the intervening two hours after that first interruption, have that third beer and try to get that good mood back again. Maybe have a fourth. You can still do it.