Mine Creek Revelations by Louie Graves: Comet is Coming

SOMETIME BACK in the 1980s, I believe, the ‘Nashville News’ banned unsigned letters-to-the-editor. It happened on a day when the newspaper received a particularly vitriolic, lie-filled letter from an anonymous writer. The letter defamed a local resident.

This ain’t right, we said to ourselves. So we tossed the letter and adopted the new policy. Letters must be signed.

This is, of course, related to an anonymous letter mailed to some (not all) people in Nashville last week. For instance, this newspaper got one, but I did not get one at my home.

The letter attacked the mayor, called him a crook, and urged people to vote accordingly. There were some bounce backs, however. On social media, for example, current and former city employees pointed out factual errors. Surprise, surprise.

The letter suggested that voting Republican would end corruption. This letter would have disgusted Presidents Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower, both towering Republicans.

Oh, yeah, possibly the reason I did not get the letter at my home is that I have a “Re-

•••••

AND YES, the following Razorback Football Revelation may seem a bit familiar, but I could not resist after watching Saturday’s splendid Razorback performance at home against that perennial SEC power, the Vanderbilt Commodores.

I am obliged to write this in order to retain my title of Official Number One Fair Weather Hog Football Fan — a title which I have held for four years. It will not be easy for any other fair weather fan wrest this lofty title from my strong hands, let me tell you!

Admit that you turned to this column before any other newspaper feature to see if I’d write again about our mighty football Razorbacks and their swoon against another cupcake opponent.

Instead, you are totally surprised that I am in full control and have remained calm. It’s because I’m a little older and I recognize what is really important in life.

Like NOT PLAYING LIKE AN IMBECILE! There, I feel much better.

But, WAIT! You tsk tsk me, saying “Those are just teenage boys out there. They’re playing their hearts out and YOU, Mr. Smartypants Newspaper Columnist, shouldn’t be so hard on them.”

My reader sanctimoniously continued: “No one wants to win more than these kids and our million-dollar coaches.”

I’m beginning to see readr’s wisdom. If we keep expanding the stadium and building more and more athletic facilities and raising ticket prices we’re certain to improve our recruiting and our record, right?

And then reader comes back with: “You should be patient, and kind, and understanding that it will take 10-12 more years before we can be competitive with cupcakes again.”

OKAY, OKAY. I getyour message and I am really, really, really ashamed that I flew off the handle.

I will change my negative way of thinking and I will sincerely say:

“STOP PLAYING LIKE

TEENAGE IMBECILES!”

My message was shouted, obviously.

•••••

LOOK UP! Aware of some of the crazy names parents are giving to innocent children these days, I shouldn’t have been surprised at the incomprehensible name of the next comet we might be able to see with the naked eye: Comet 46P/Wirtanen.

Supposedly, this comet will be visible for a few nights in mid-December. Of course it means we’ll be totally overcast or raining heavily during that period of time.

I’ll try to find out where it should in the night sky and tell you.

As you can guess, finding the comet in the night sky isn’t the only problem. It’s that ‘naked eye’ thing.

Nashville police have a dim view of me standing out in my driveway at midnight stark nekkid.

It even makes them madder when I point to the sky and shout “Look up.”

It would not help if I pointed to the sky and shouted “Look up, Wirtanen.” The officer might think I was calling him names (It would be just my luck that Wirtanen means something naughty in Slovakianese).

Honestly, I think that a part of their rigorous police training should be to learn what ‘naked’ means to us night sky observers.

•••••

IMPRESSED. Awed. Appreciative. My late brother Danny was a past president of the parish council at St. Martin’s Catholic Church. But, members of Nashville’s First Baptist Church fed his family Monday before the visitation and funeral. Fed gloriously, I might add.

What a wonderful embracing, ecumenical thing to do!

Thank you,my Baptist brothers and sisters. Any casserole left?

•••••

THINGS I LEARNEDfrom reading (and believing) stuff on the Internet: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

•••••

WORD GAMES. The twins: Cherubim and Seraphim. Old Testament guys.

•••••

HE SAID: “If you learn one thing from having lived through decades of changing views, it is that all predictions are necessarily false.” M. H. Abrams, critic

•••••

SHE SAID: “He was gifted with the sly, sharp instinct for self-preservation that passes for wisdom among the rich.” Evelyn Waugh, novelist