Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Repentance: Back-Pedaling Under Duress

Firstly, I long ago swore an oath that I would not let my personal non-cycling hobbies contaminate this blog. However, when you're a carcake-spotter and you see a formation like this you can't resist sharing it with the world:

Yes, the carcakes are often at their best two days after a snowfall, when the stragglers are just starting to dig their cars out and the snow has had a couple of nights to freeze. This car's got a neck curtain on the trunk, a nice-sized arctic ice shelf on the roof complete with widow's peak in the front, and even a snowhawk on the hood. It looks like a paparazzi shot of Antarctica just as it's stepping out of the salon.

Secondly, a number of people seemed to take offense at the fact that I took a few swipes at the NAHBS on Monday. This surprised me, and I'd like it to be known that I have nothing but respect for these master craftspeople and their handiwork. In an effort to make amends and as a gesture of goodwill, I've taken some inspiration from Barry Wicks and made the NAHBS a "mix tape." Check out the cover art:

It's short but I think they'll enjoy it. Here's what I put on it:

1) As an homage to the traditional framebuilder's material of choice, and as a symbol of the fact that it's in the midst of a resurgence--nay, a revolution!--the mix starts off with this.

2) But the NAHBS isn't all about steel. There's also titanium, and everybody knows that the ride quality of titanium is sublime to the point of being mystical. So, even though it might be a bit predictable, I went with this.

3) While there are custom framebuilders who work in aluminum, the true lug-slobberer knows that the ride of an aluminum bicycle is impossibly stiff, and that they fail catastrophically in weeks. This classic conveys both aluminum's jarring ride quality and short life.

4) Then I put this on, because it's the most beautiful song ever written and it makes me cry.

6) Finally, NAHBS always features lots of singlespeeds and fixed-gears. So, as a tribute to the Zen quality of both, I finished the mix with that John Cage composition that's just four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence.

I hope they like it.

But while North America's custom framebuilders have not been idle, neither have the Forces of Evil. Readers from far and wide have been forwarding me signs which can only portend one thing: the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse.

In Skagit Valley, Washinton, one rider has come upon an infernal farm that is giving away alpacas. Not many people know that the "Book of Fixed-Gear Revelation" is actually encoded in Jobst Brandt's gripping classic, "The Bicycle Wheel." Using my Ovaltine secret decoder ring, I've extracted this text, and it warns that "in the fifth year of the exhibition of the bicycles wrought with hands, the Alpacas shall be freed, and they shall lay waste to the land." It then goes on in mind-numbing detail about stress-relieving and the evils of paired-spoke technology, but clearly free alpacas are a bad sign, and I have no doubt that they will turn on and devour their new owners.

No sooner had I received this information than another reader informed me of the existence of a fixed-gear recumbent:

As the "Book of Fixed-Gear Revelation" states, "To the decimated land shall come a rider who reclines while in motion. His feet shall come before him as like unto a breech birth. His helmet shall bear a mirror, but he shall coast not." Sounds like a fixedcumbent to me.

But perhaps most horrifying of all were these photos, forwarded to me by another reader:

It seems that a drought has forced these poor koalas to seek water from humans. I have absolutely no doubt that this drought has been caused by demon Alpacas who are already becoming a scourge upon the land. Notice how the koala gratefully hugs the merciful geared rider's leg:

In the end, our only hope may be anti-fixed-gear vigilantes. The Alpaca-hastening, tight-averse, bumblebee bike-riding proprietor of 718 Cyclery has forwarded me this photo of a Pacific mountain bike equipped with a fire alarm and an extinguisher. My guess is the owner has equipped it this way because he is certain that Armageddon is at hand:

Bill, 'Braking Up Is Hard To Do' would have been an appropriate comment in regards to us brakeless track bike riders, though I would also say it's not really that hard to do if you can't stop on a downhill. Then Braking Up is quite remarkably easy.

Side note, I don't know why but the Anon Woot! Woot! posting always makes me smile more than anything else in these comments, and that includes Frilly and her underpants du jour.

Here - http://www.penmachine.com/podcast/audio/AECBB94E-12DF-4588-A7A4-8889D7C55FAB.html is, and I hope youre sitting down, a little number called Alpaca Cheese. Put that on your mix tape, Snob.

Handy little site this for recipes including sauteed alpaca - once they rise up they'll be plenty to go round for us survivors.

http://www.tradicionesdelago.com/cartamenu/platostipicos.php

Or if we should be in bondage to our new furry overlords, maybe they will let us culture their lactations a la BGW suggestion - see http://www.neaoba.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=feature.display&feature_id=85 - they "needed to strip milk off a girl with huge, engorged teats".

I'll let someone else knock this one down - I haven't got the cojones today.

i never listens to songs posted on the net cos to offen they is some song that 14 oxycontins wont drive out of yor head like when jolene was playing pull up the peeple by mia ill tell you what i wanted to drill out my eardrums with the ol black n decker after that one

speeking of jolene i was riding today boy howdy aint nothing like a good ride on a sunny day you know sunshine during the day and moonshine during the night

so i was running into potholes the size of jolenes ass i aint complaining its just that she had one to many moonpies and arahsees for her own good you know what im saying

so it seems to me that instead of waiting for 20 years for the kentucky department of fucking revenuers to fix the roads you yankees should send us some obamer money to get our roads fixed up good i mean if you folks is buying crabon bikes and fancy underwere you should have to pay something for us hilljacks you know what im saying

John Kaye and crew … shear psychedelic genius and a pity that they don’t make hair like that anymore. Stated to be the original source of the phrase “Heavy Metal” and contributors to Easy Rider which completes the loop back to all things NAHBS.

Worried about stress relieving…. Wasn’t that something your mother told you would make you go blind.And the koala was drinking beer as no self respecting cyclist out here carries anything else than a can of Vic Bitter. And BGW Sav Bland would be a little too acidic for cheese… try a Chardonnay ….just suggestin and digestin

bnscy cant not no about my rear red he dam ner try to mistake it fer a slot machine and put his quarters init boy howdy but thats not here nor there if ita hole for pot that hesa lookin for i gots one right now ready to get filled once the kids in bed and ricky get his dam ass of the davenport for once since he and you got hooked on them there sparks and oxycontin cocktales

...more's the pity that a video wasn't included so that we might have had the opportunity to better appreciate not being able to view what might have been merce cunnigham's accompanying choreography were he not in tune w/ mr cage, rather than simply assuming it wasn't there...

what is up with these people who are supposedly into cycling yet they feel the need to be part of what is probably the lamest cultural pimple ever! Yeah! I'm talking about the lame brains who think riding a fixed gear bike with no brakes and dressing like homeless people makes them "Real"...well I am sure these...slackers, who are so easily coerced, will be the ones selling their prize possessions for pennies on the dollar. so, I guess it will work out in the end

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Dang, you really should have stuck to your guns about NAHMBS. I guess my respect level has slipped, like a worn chain on a cog that needs to be replaced. NAHMBS is great but,as you say-there's a lot of excess on what are supposed to be bikes. Oh, well.....

Greetings everyone!I don't mean to rant, in fact, I apologize beforehand if that comes to happen. However, I just dropped by in order to let you know what I think about such a superb masterpiece of blog. This issue is simply exciting, in fact, this matter takes me far away by the magic that bikes makes me feel, not even Viagra Online makes me fly in that cool way. Regards, pranksters!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!