Ask ‘Squatch: “What’s the worst Land Before Time movie?”

Over the years there has been some pretty random and wacky stuff published here on Top Hat Sasquatch, and as a result, we get some really funny search queries pop up in our analytics that lead people to the site. It’s funny how many people form their searches as questions, and it got me thinking. What if I picked out the best ones every so often and treated it like a reader mailbag? The result is a new series: Ask ‘Squatch.

I’ll try to use the exact searches as often as I can, but sometimes if we get a really good one I may just form it into a question or something. Trust me though, I’ve got a big list of really funny ones. Because of my dumb 10 Worst Dinosaur Movies of the 90s post, a lot of them are about dinosaur movies. Go figure.

We’re kicking off the series with one that doesn’t sound as wacky as some of the others, but when you think about why someone would be looking for this information, it’s kind of hilarious.

What is the worst Land Before Time movie?

Dear Reader,

That is a really good question. I grew up in the heyday of the Don Bluth-lead “hey-can’t-anybody-other-than-Disney-make-an-animated-feature?” era and although that gave us a lot of awesome (well, some are actually awesome) movies like The Secret of NIMH, Fivel Goes West, The Iron Giant, We’re Back!, Anastasia, Ferngully, and Rock-a-Doodle, it also gave us a ton of crap movies. It’s hard to deny the Land Before Time series’ place on the crap animated movies hall of fame, even if for no other reason than the sheer number of sequels it spawned.

The Secret of NIMH may have kicked off that whole craze in 1982 (such an awesome, awesome movie), but The Land Before Time was definitely a trailblazer for the whole direct-to-video sequel business. From 1994 to 2007, there were a whopping eleven sequels to the original Don Bluth film. Eleven freaking sequels. That’s probably like twice as many sequels as Beethoven got. I’m not sure though, I didn’t check.

Now, if I was a super dedicated blogger, I would sit down and watch all twelve Land Before Time movies and actually try to figure out which one was the worst, but I’m not that dedicated. I will, however, use my powers of deduction to figure out which one is the crappiest, based on the titles, the cast, and how dumb the cover art looks. You know, for science.

II – The Great Valley Adventure

Nothing says excitement like valleys, especially if you’re having adventures in them. It’s kind of odd that the first sequel came out six years after the first film. They probably kick themselves now, because surely they could have gotten like eight more movies out in that amount of time.

Here’s a hilarious review from an Amazon shopper:

This is a good one. I could watch this over and over (not as much as the 7th one.) The T-rexes rocked! And Mr. Three Horn finally learns his lesson (not that he actully learned it, just by looking at the other movies) But this is a good one to pass down to little kids, my favorite song is “Kids like us.” Hip, Nod, and Mutt though need singing lessons! The end was cute also.

This review kind of puts this whole search query into perspective. There must be a ton of people out there that just eat up these movies. This person loves The Great Valley Adventure, but not as much as The Stone of Cold Fire. Well, no doy. I can tell #7 is better just by the title. Cold Fires trump Valley Adventures every time.

Minigame: Guess the Land Before Time Titles

Before I reveal the rest of the titles, here’s a little side-adventure, or minigame if you will. See if you can pick which titles below are actual Land Before Time sequels and which ones I just made up:

Journey Through the Mists

The Secret of Saurus Rock

The Chamber of Bad Dinosaurs

The Big Freeze

That Big Dinosaur That Is Mean To Us Most of The Time

The Time of the Great Giving

Invasion of the Tinysauruses

Liver Disaster

What’s That Shiny Ball in The Sky-OHGODNO

Ducky Does Pangaea

See, it’s hard to tell. Even I don’t remember which ones I made up. I think I made up that Tinysauruses one though. Classic.

Worst Movie Probability: 50%

III – The Time of Great Giving

Apparently this one is about bullying. Three bullies named Hyp, Nod, and Mutt give the main characters a hard time. Stuff happens, they probably end up being nice. Here’s another Amazon review:

Warning, Warning! Not suitable for children!!!! 0 stars!
“Hip” the young bully dinosaur refers to Littlefoot, Cera and the other young dinosaurs as big babies. He also uses the words stupid and dumb. This is very unfortunate for an otherwise wonderfully creative concept. I now find myself trying to explain to a 2 year old that these are unacceptable things to say…….

Stupid and dumb? May as well lock her 2 year old up in juvey now, because once you start using the words stupid and dumb there’s no turning back.

I’m not a parent yet so I guess I shouldn’t make fun of people trying to teach their kids to be decent, but I know I’m going to have to worry about my kids running around saying things a lot worse than stupid.

Worst Movie Probability: 30%

IV – Journey Through the Mists

This one sounds like a Van Morrison album, but it’s actually a LBT movie that tackles a bunch of environmental issues or something. The consensus on Amazon is that it’s an underrated gem of the series, and I actually debated putting it in my Netflix queu because of that. But who am I kidding? I’m probably going to watch these out of Morbid Curiosity anyway.

A Rotten Tomatoes reviewer had this to say:

The last Land Before Time installment I watched before I banished Littlefoot and his gang from my mind forever.

I’m noticing a theme on Rotten Tomatoes and Amazon. It seems like a lot of people who grew up with these movies are attempting marathons to see if they can watch all twelve. What brave souls.

Worst Movie Probability: 20%

V – The Mysterious Island

Damn leaf-gobblers, always ruining everything. This one brings back Chomper, a T-Rex Or Something from one of the earlier movies, who has to save his friends from being eaten by his parents. Yikes. Imagine when he starts dating.

VI – The Secret of Saurus Rock

This one has Kris Kristofferson as Doc, an old drifting loner dinosaur. Moving on. I have no beef with this.

Worst Movie Probability: -100%

VII – The Stone of Cold Fire

This one sounds really lame, and some people online have claimed it has aliens in it. I haven’t confirmed this, but I wouldn’t put it past the producers. Seriously though, seven movies and there’s no cataclysmic meteor shower yet? Boooooring.

Here’s a great review from Amazon:

MY GRADSON IS OBSESSED WITH DINOSAURS MY DAUGHTER INTRODUCED HIM LAST MONTH TO THE VERY FIRST LAND BEFORE TIME NOW HE HAS TO HAVE THEM ALL!

Worst Movie Probability: 60%

VIII – The Big Freeze

Because these dinosaurs don’t go to school or know what anything is called, this one is about “white ground sparkles.” It’s no wonder Kris Kristofferson didn’t want to hang around these kids for very long.

Worst Movie Probability: Umm%

IX – Journey to Big Water

The token Under the Sea sequel. With a weird looking dolphin creature that may or may not have been designed by Lisa Frank.

Worst Movie Probability: HelpMe%

X – The Great Longneck Migration

They had an opportunity here with this one being titled X to make it more edgy or reboot the series or make it CG or something, but instead they just added Kiefer Sutherland. Actually not a bad move.

Worst Movie Probability: WhyAmIStillDoingThis?%

XI – Invasion of the Tinysauruses

Hey, I thought I made this one up!

Worst Movie Probability: None%

XII – The Great Day of the Flyers

From Amazon:

I only have 1 grandchild and he loves THE LAND BEFORE TIME.We spend a lot of time together.I am getting so tired of watching the same few episodes over and over. I bought them as stocking stuffers

This lady almost reviews stuff as badly as me.

Worst Movie Probability: Pterodactyl%

XIII – The Wisdom of Friends

I’ll let this one off easy because it has Cuba Gooding Jr. in it and it’s the last of the series, which means I can stop.

Worst Movie Probability: 0%

Wow, you made it to the end. Congratulations!

So, what’s the verdict?

I dunno, let’s say…VII? After making fun of eleven movies I’ve never seen, they all kind of blend together.

Ok you guys, keep Googling weird crap so we can post equally-if-not-weirder crap!

Excellent assessment. I was planning on marathoning these*, but I think I’ll just base my probably enjoyment level on this extremely in-depth review. Well done, sir.

*I was never planning on watching any of these ever. Or maybe just the first one for nostalgia, but definitely none of the sequels.

http://tophatsasquatch.com/ Tommy Day

Thanks! I felt like I needed to give back to society a little bit.

http://www.shezcrafti.com/ ShezCrafti

Ok, someone needs to point this out, and it might as well be me–every single one of these titles can easily be turned into porn parodies.

https://twitter.com/WallCrawlinHero Wesley Hampton

Anything can become a porn parody according to you! I think you have a mild obsession. Add that to your list of bullet points on the side of your blog right under TMNT fangirl: 5) Loves porn parodies.

http://www.shezcrafti.com/ ShezCrafti

Sorry, I’ve been spending too much time on Reddit. That, and I think it’s becoming alarmingly clear I need to get laid.

http://tophatsasquatch.com/ Tommy Day

I just wouldn’t want to be in the Tinysauras one…

http://www.brandedinthe80s.com/ Shawn Robare

I am doing everything in my power right now to NOT look up “Land Before Time Porn” on google just to confirm my theory that everything already has a porn parody. Yup. Not going to do it. I’m stronger than the urge to look. I am. Seriously. Dammit…

http://www.brandedinthe80s.com/ Shawn Robare

FYI, LBT porn exists. P.S. my eyes burn.

http://tophatsasquatch.com/ Tommy Day

What other movies have had a shit-ton of sequels? @shezcrafti:disqus @WallCrawlingHero:disqus @smurfwreck:disqus ??

http://www.shezcrafti.com/ ShezCrafti

Ice Age is well on its way.

http://www.shezcrafti.com/ ShezCrafti

Horror movie franchises have a lot, like Friday the 13th & the Nightmare on Elm Streets.

http://www.brandedinthe80s.com/ Shawn Robare

Fast and Furious is getting up there. The Alien franchise. Star Trek. Heck, those Disney direct to DVD Tinker Bell movies are racking up the sequels…