Early Recovery Journal Entries

I came across an old journal that I kept in early recovery at the request of a mentor. I haven’t seen this is nearly fifteen years. I found it quite interesting. I’m filled with gratitude that I don’t have to live in despair anymore, that I’ve found a new way of life, a pathway of recovery that has opened my world and my heart.

Entry 1

~ I’ve spent a good portion of my life seeking insanity, anything bizarre, unusual, or different I embraced and indulged in. Living on the edge of insanity was like dancing in the rain, pouncing in puddles. Anything to escape the hum drum day to day boredom of life. Well I found insanity.

It is a dark confusing downward spiral, an existence of non-existence, a room with no doors and no windows only the ripples on the top of my drink to sooth me. The only light a mere reflection on the liquid in my glass. It was now insanity I wished to escape, but to where? Back to the hum drum day to day boredom I detest? What am I really escaping from? Myself? ~

Entry 6

~ It’s November first and I just bought a bottle of Absolute Vodka. I’ve had a few swigs and I feel better. Greg is in town stalking me and the only way I know who to get rid of the twisted up horror I feel in my stomach is to drink. It’s working. I was three days away from getting my two month chip in Alcoholics Anonymous. I don’t think anyone will notice if I don’t get my chip this week. It’s twenty past eleven in the morning and I’m still going to the noon meeting. I have to keep this relapse a secret until I can stop. I don’t know when that will be and I don’t know when Greg will show up. I hope documenting my relapse will help me stay sober in the future. If I get sober again.

I went to the noon meeting and it was about slips. I broke down and gave my bottle of Absolute to Robin after the meeting. She helped me and we went to the police department to file a complaint against Greg breaking the restraining order. When I got out of the police department I couldn’t find Robin who went for a walk with my son Quinn so I went into a bar and had a few shots of Tequila. Where are they? ~