Monday, November 12, 2012

It's been 97 days since I last posted. 97 days since my life story changed in a way I didn't predict. It's interesting how sometimes it seems like only 2 weeks ago and other times like it's been years. Isn't it interesting how that works? I find the human brain extremely facinating!

Sorry, I ramble sometimes. Back on topic...whatever that might be.

I've had a hard time knowing how to move forward in this journey. I honestly feel like I've been Jonah, in the belly of a whale, just waiting to move forward. Or maybe Paul sitting in prison, waiting for God to release him or guide him in the next path. Yes, I know, I'm far from a whale or prison, but it's that sense of patiently waiting. Waiting for God to move us forward but not knowing if we will be in this time of waiting for a few more days or a few more months. Everything about this process is out of our hands and it's the most intensively passive process I've ever been a part of.

Really, I just wanted to blog to let you know that we're still alive and doing okay. I've received emails or messages asking how we are doing and I honestly don't know how to answer that question. It's kind of like any loss I think. Some days I'm great, looking forward to what is to come. Other days my grief is strong and my patience runs thin. It reminds me of how I still continue to process my best friend/cousin's death from almost 10 years ago. There are mornings when I wake up and think of Katy and all of the fun memories we shared and can't stop smiling. And there are still times I miss her so much it makes me cry walking in the middle of a store.

Sometimes I walk past the nursery and go in just to look around. Other days the door remains closed.

It's a process. A process of grief, of trusting God's plan, of sanctification. I find it interesting the different things we all have that God is working on perfecting. Mine is definitely trusting His plan over my own. I wonder why it is so difficult?

I can just rest assured in knowing He is guiding my steps as He has already walked before me and there is a baby out there He has already declared a Carson! Please join me in praying for our future birth mom, our future child, for our family, and even somedays for my sanity and a heart of peace! We know God has a perfect plan, and a perfect time!

And just in case it happens tomorrow, the diaper bag is packed, sitting on the car seat, in a prepared nursery! :) Wishful thinking? Yep, it sure is!

Thanks for your friendship, your love, and your prayers!

I leave you with this verse that has been on my heart.
May you lean on Him dear friends!

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."