A Word to Mentors and Mentees

In Revise Us Again, I dedicate an entire chapter to a phenomenon I call “being captured by the same spirit you oppose.” This is something that all of us are susceptible to.

One of the characteristics of those who are captured by the same spirit is the tendency to impute the motives of one’s own heart onto those we find threatening or those we just don’t like.

Christian leaders who have inflated egos or deep insecurities are easily threatened by others. As a result, they will unwittingly read their own heart motives into the hearts of other people. Psychologists call this “projection.” I can’t face my own shortcomings and defects so I unconsciously project them onto other people. I accuse others of the very same dark things that are lurking deep within my own heart.

I’ve watched some Christians engage in projection when they came into contact with those who were just as (or more) gifted than they were. The root is often jealousy. You can call it a “Saul complex,” if you will.

Herein lies a great lesson: Those who judge the motives of others are simply revealing what’s in their own hearts.In Matthew 7:1–4, Jesus points out that those with defective eyesight are all too willing to perform eye surgery on others. Yet within this text, the Lord makes this chilling assessment: If you impute an evil motive onto someone else, you’re simply making known what yourmotives are.

To put it another way, the piece of sawdust we see in our brother’s eye is simply a small chip off the two-by-four that lies within our own. And a piece of wood will always distort our vision. When people cannot face the reality of what’s in their own hearts, they project it onto others—particularly those who they find threatening to their egos.

One of the most profound influences in my life was a talk radio show host from many years back. When this man first broke into the talk radio business, he sat at the feet of a man whom he idolized. He was this talk radio show host’s mentor. We’ll call the mentor “Nelson” since I don’t wish to disclose his name.

When Nelson discovered that the man who he had mentored began to surpass him in popularity, all hell broke loose. Nelson’s monstrous ego began to flicker, and he was loaded for bear. He launched the first salvo, and the two men waged an on-the-air radio slap fight that marched off the map of dignity.

Pointed insults were swapped. Disparaging remarks were cast. Both men drew blood from one another, and the listeners got caught up in the carnage. It turned out to devolve into something quite vicious, and the exchange deeply hurt my radio friend.

Unfortunately, no one could reel in the egos or squash the infighting. It turned into bad blood. Nelson was radioactive for quite some time, and the two men didn’t speak a civil word to each other for many years.

What happened to these two men is not an isolated incident. I’ve watched it occur numerous times since I’ve been a Christian.

King Saul is not the only gifted man who has been threatened by a younger David. What was at the root of that painful period in David’s life? Jealousy and envy in the heart of Saul and the threatening feeling (as well as the irrational paranoia) that comes with them.

As they danced, they sang: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” Saul was very angry; this refrain galled him. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” (1 Sam. 18:7–8).

Incidentally, jealousy and envy are what provoked the religious leaders of our Lord’s day to put Him to death. Tragically, this same drama has played out since Cain slew his younger brother out of jealousy.

I’m no fan of Sigmund Freud nor of his theory of the Oedipus complex. (Please reread that last sentence.) But what led Freud to construct his oedipal theory was a legitimate observation about human nature. Namely, Freud observed that somefathers and somefather figures become threatened by their own sons. That is, they fear being supplanted by their sons, and so they grow to hate them.

This only happens when there’s an excessive root of pride and insecurity in the father figure’s heart. The absence of such pride and insecurity is what separates those spiritual fathers who become proud of their sons from those who grow to despise them.

Regrettably, some mentors suffer from both an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time. Their shaky sense of identity cuts in both directions. In such cases, they become masters at the fine art of denial.

Caution: If you’re a person who will one day mentor others, I have a sobering warning. If your ego hasn’t been annihilated by the cross of Jesus Christ, you will end up becoming a Saul in the lives of those who are just as (or more) gifted than you are. And when God begins to elevate them in His service, you will go insane.

You’ll become another sad example of lions eating their young. And as with every modern Saul, God’s favor and anointing will leave you and be given to another. As Peter said, God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5,NKJV).

Saint John of the Cross warned Christians to be very careful whom they chose to be their mentors, for, in his words, “as the master so is the disciple; as the father so the child.”

To my mind, one cannot show genuine respect for one’s mentor by perpetuating his or her shortcomings and flaws. Every spiritual father should be extremely proud of the son who surpasses him (the same with mothers and their spiritual daughters). True mentors freely give what they have to their spiritual sons and daughters and hope that their sons and daughters will exceed them. False mentors use their sons and daughters to increase their fame and carry on their legacies, and they become infuriated whenever their sons and daughters share their glory.

The Lord give us abundant grace so that we will not be captured by the same spirit we oppose.

—

This post is an excerpt from Revise Us Again (David C. Cook, April 2011) and was originally published in The Next Wave.

About Frank Viola

Frank Viola is a best-selling author, A-list blogger, speaker, and consultant to authors and writers. His mission is to help serious followers of Jesus know their Lord more deeply so they can experience real transformation and make a lasting impact. See his About page for more information.

Comments

Excellent teaching message, Frank. “jealousy is as cruel as the grave”. “but the humble rejoice in the blessing of others”. we are here to serve and enable others, NOT *ever* to exalt ourselves or build “our” ministry, but to [exclusively] exalt and lift up The Savior. His Kingdom is to be on earth, even as it IS in Heaven. we care called to be servants. HE IS The Sovereign King.
thanks again and Shalom
in Sar Shalom Yeshua ha adOn.

Thank you for this profound reminder about human nature. I am one of those guys you wrote about who has mentored people who surpassed me and are famous.
I learned to pray this simple prayer for all sons and daughters. “Let my ceiling become their floor”. Leaning to say those six words took 20 years.

Thank you Frank for all your books. They are terra-forming the spiritual landscape of me and my wife’s hearts on the journey. Pastoring and leading for many years we have found that people who write from such a debth have earned credentials no one else wants.

Thanks this comes at such a crucial moment when I’m about to make the decision both ways(to choose a mentor and to become a mentor).It’s very eye opening learning about taking one’s ego, insecurity&proclivity to be jealous to the cross.Also to avoid being captured by the same spirit you oppose.Instead allow God to make you one that will raise up those who will exceed /surpass you in Christ . To me that is what being a disciple of Christ,passing on to others Him and not ourselves.I deeply see the need to give everything valuable to me to Him so that I can become Christs’

What a great book and a great section from the book. I have to share this story. I remember about a month or so ago watching a nature show about lions. It described how when a new male lion takes over a pride he kills all of the babies of the pride. I actually didn’t realize this in nature. The thought was so horrible I had to turn the channel before actually observing this behavior that they had videotaped. May we live by the life of Christ and stay fixed on Him so that the life of grace and love would be seen expressed by His people.

True words, and it has been going on as long as man has been on earth. It’s sad and oppressive when your own father is jealous of you, but the way to show respect is to not continue to do the same ourselves. That is very good advice, and we cannot do it on our own, only thru Jesus Christ. May God bless you

Your article provide a glimmer of light in the middle of the darkness that I’m going through right now. I’m still being mentored and actively mentoring others. The heart of the matter is an unconditional love towards the people, that by giving all that I can give to them, I hope that one day they will soar and fly into the potential that God has given them. Being careful that I do not plan or decide their future, but teaching them to hear from God and have the guts to carry out God’s calling in their lives. I’m proad to say that some have surpasses me in leadership, and they have being proad that I’ve once mentored them. But there’s a different story of my mentor and me, all that has happen and now happening I consider it as a test of humility like David. Your article has let me see clearly that fist and foremost, mentors are still imperfect people, their hidden heart motives maybe reveal during the mentoring process, yet it is also God’s moulding process for both parties. That being said, I still believe in mentorship, but I hope to be a wiser mentee.

It is very good to read such a good description of what has happened to my husband. It lets me know that this is not just a some strange experience that happened only to him. In some way that is comforting to know.

My husband has over 40 years walking with the Lord, and the Lord has worked humility in him in a beautiful way. He is also very gifted as a teacher, and has the heart of a pastor. In the last church we attended the pastor saw him as a threat almost immediately. My husband tried and tried to show the pastor support and encouragement. But this man actually made up things about him, lying and telling half truths to discredit my husband’s reputation. It was the most horrible experience of our Christian life.

The thing is, we have seen this happen to others also. This pastor is so controlling and won’t let anyone minister without going through ridiculous acts of loyalty and tries to keep them from having any one around them who looks up to them.

Unfortunately, the people in the church don’t see this side of him. And when he puts people through this they tend to just leave rather than speak out for fear of being accused of trying to start division. So the issue keeps showing its head over and over. It is a very awful situation that there does not seem to be a resolve for.

My husband has forgiven this man for the things he put him through. I have more of a problem with forgiveness. The “anointing” doesn’t seem to have been taken from this pastor. So how many more people will he put through this before it stops?

I was so glad to read this. I thought my experiences with “Saul” type leadership was rare, but apparently it isn’t. I love the part of your book that talks about honoring your spiritual father by refusing to perpetuate the same problems that they wrestled with. Even though many have been hurt by leaders, I would encourage everyone to respond like David and refuse to foster bitterness and resentment or build a wall in your heart. I believe this will reduce or eliminate trans generational problems. When you are consumed with how profoundly you have been hurt, you are blind to how you are hurting and will hurt others. Forgive and learn from your experiences with your spiritual fathers/mentors. Remember, they were hurt by their fathers/mentors(spiritual or physical) as well. An enormous amount of healing can come when you view your father/mentor as a son/mentee, instead of merely an imperfect father/mentor. If you are focused on your your pain and the injustice perpetrated against you, you will unwittingly become the bad guy that you resent. “Captured by the same spirit you oppose” We appreciate your insight Frank.

Great reminders, Frank. I’m thinking that there is also a caution to the mentee: beware that you don’t covet in your youth what your mentor has spent a lifetime building. I used to (and sometimes still do) fall into the trap of wanting more things now. I’ve realized over the last few years that things like wisdom, knowledge, extensive libraries, experiences, only come with time. Patience really is a virtue. Knowledge and wisdom that are founded in real life experience is priceless.

This is an excellent point. And one I can identify with as I look back on the different mentors I’ve had in my life. Though the time and experience is fraught with mistakes, failings, pain, suffering, dashed hopes, and brokenness as well as the pleasant glories of God.

Was reminded that our Father shares His glory freely with His Son and will exalt Him above everyone. And the Son shares His glory with His Bride, and also gives glory back to the Father. No envy in divine love. Let’s be full of Him.

I love the vantage point you present here in this post. I know you’ve written about “exposing our hearts” when we are quick to judge others motives based on what we percieve them to be. In Revise us again you do an excellent job covering this. I would personally encourage anyone who has not read Revise us again to pick it up. I can say it has helped me to improve in this area.

Warning accepted to avoid the same violent end that many previous father/son, mentor/follower stories have taken. Take a look at John chapter 17 where Jesus has a conversation with his Father that every believer should hear and understand. This conversation is one of humility spoken by the true heart of a servant. Here Jesus reports to his Father that the men he had been given, the disciples, now understand who he his and they follow him into Sonship. Jesus so graciously and humbly states as a good son would that he has completed the work that his Father had given him to do here on earth. It is through the heart of service or rather the son/follower serving the father/mentor that we can understand the dynamics of this critical relationship and how we can play this out within the Kingdom of God.

On several occasions in the New Testament I am reminded that God, The Father spoke from the clouds these words about Jesus, “this is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased”. If more mentors or spiritual fathers would learn from this and understand the power of this most critical relationship and take this course of action with their own Sons by encouraging their efforts, then we could avoid this natural conflict of ego. It would be good to know that my natural and spiritual father could say with all confidence, “well done my beloved Son”.

Being captured by the same spirit you oppose is something that is a real temptation for all of us to fall into. You have mentioned this before in previous blog posts, and I appreciate you bringing this up here again. I have greatly appreciated the example that you have set for me in this area.

Interesting article/exerpt. Such a thing happened to my husband who was hoping to resenter ministry- the old jealous head roared when his giftings and popularity began to shine, and when he dared disagree. . However I disagree with you on a point you made. You commented that Gods favor and annointing will leave the jealous mistreating person, and be given to another. Quoting God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. What a bout the verse that clearly states: the gifts and call of God are irrevocable ? The verse that says Christ is our righteousness and we are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus? And considering that the Holy Spirit is ‘the anointing’, who Indwells and rests upon us, rather than the anointing being a thing; as well as Christ the anointed one who we are cojoined in spirit with and both The Father and Jesus make their abode with us; plus the promise that He will Never leave us or forsake us; Under the new covanent- that no longer is the case, that He will leave based on poor performance which is what it seems you are suggesting. I think you’re stretching the verse you used out of proper context. Saul was an old testament king under law, and the HS did come upon and /or leave people then . Whic is why David pleaded for HS not to be taken from him when he mistreated Uriah, Bathsheba etc. It was Sauls continuing rebellion towards God, his refusal to take instruction, or properly repent that got his kingdom removed, not his jealous treatment of David.
What New Test evidence is there for Favor or anointing leaving an individual due to sin, or poor actions? As for the man who most definitely violated the trust between he and my husband, he kept right on going, as “favored and anointed” as ever and right to this day keeps on going. God doesn’t withdraw himself, his gifts or calling, like He did in the OT when we sin, grievous or not. He leads us to truth and repentance, so I find your warning untrue. In fact we have had at least three pastors give us grievous jealous treatment. And not one of them slowed down for a minute, was less favored or anointed, The exception only was that one recognized his judgement towards us and finally actually apologized publicly, at the urging of a brother. We may lose favor or such with people when we act poorly, but Gods grace abounds. Gods resistance to the proud shows us the right way, leads us to repentance, natural consequences, correction from the Word, etc. it doesnt include removal of favor or anointing; or Jesus finished work still wouldn’t be enough. Therefore we should be al the more amazed at the abundance of grace we truly have.

Cyndi: Please read my “Dangers of God’s Favor” in the archives. I didn’t say the gifts will leave, but the anointing and favor will eventually leave. I don’t mean the person won’t be saved anymore; I’m talking about God’s favor and power on their ministry. The gifts will remain, but the effect and impact will dissipate. I’ve seen this happen countless times. It also happened in the Bible. Think Samuel and Saul. We’re not talking about making mistakes or messing up — that happens to every human being, including the greatest servants of the Lord like Peter. We’re talking about persistent unrepentant patterns of behavior. Or “corrupt character.” I’m glad my post was of help.

Well written. I have begun mentoring over the last 4 years and honestly I have seen both good and bad in my underlying motives as people I have mentored began to surpass me in several ways. I have not grown so close to those I mentor nor have they nor I experienced enough success to really amplify such feelings into anything very difficult to reconcile but I can see how easily such a thing could happen in such circumstances. Christ has begun working in my heart to accept many of their successes and recognize that their success has no bearing on my value and identity in Him.

what a sobering reminder to examine my heart, my motives, my ego, my pride. I don’t know that I am a mentor to anyone, but I am in a place of influence with many young men and young women. May I find genuine joy in their growth and successes and not seek credit or recognition for any of it…

I appreciate much this warning, and it is an appropriate one. No matter how far we are in our Christian walk, we continually battle the deceitfulness and wickedness of our hearts.

After 30 years of pastoral ministry and positions of leadership where one is always in the spotlight, I have changed to campus ministry. Though I come into the position with experience, I am not in charge, nor do I want to be. Instead, I have gladly accepted my new charge from the Lord to build the next generation and to train its leaders. In fact, the young man that is in charge is my mentee of many years. Perhaps, I have done an adequate enough job that I can sit under his leadership…

It is my prayer that all the individuals that the Lord allows me to invest in will be better than I have been. They must increase. I will decrease.

Thanks Frank. It’s an interesting reminder as there is a woman who is investigating the Christian faith who has started to come to our house every week before the church gathers to pick my brains about God and the Bible.
I have no idea why she has picked me, but I am so glad she has. There is nothing I love more than seeing someone coming to grips with gospel.
At the moment I feel I would be nothing else but happy if she one day surpasses me in gifting and maturity.
The way I see it is that we plant and water, but God makes it grow.

“the piece of sawdust we see in our brother’s eye is simply a small chip off the two-by-four that lies within our own. And a piece of wood will always distort our vision.”

This has provoked some thought. In the area of judging others this is a great paraphrase of the Matthew 7:3 passage. We have to be very careful in dealing with the issues in other peoples lives without first examining our own motives, as was mentioned in the article.

It makes me think about all of the references to dealing with sins committed against one another and how we are to handle those situations. I especially have been pondering what Paul said to the Corinthian church:

1 Cor. 5:9-13 I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; 10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. 11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? 13 But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES. (NASB)

I see that we are to deal with what is going on within the family of God but God is the one who deals with the unbeliever. Let us do our part with love and discernment, not allowing our insecurities or bias to be the plumb line. We must keep in mind that everyone has been made in the image of God, though fallen and corrupted by sin, and by that fact we are to recognize their worth from God’s perspective. This can be accomplished as Christ lives in each believer and through the renewing of our minds we come to realize that we have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16c).

I realize that I cannot cover this fully here, but these are some initial thoughts.