My Borderline Obsessive-Compulsive Oral Hygiene Regimen

Let me first start by saying that I’m not actually a diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, nor do I mean to belittle anyone who suffers from OCD in a real way. That being said, I am very, very, very particular about things. It’s in my blood, you see: My father spent his teens stocking shelves at a grocery store, then joined the army for almost 20 years. Clearly, all the order and discipline rubbed off on me: I naturally arrange my books by name, and if you look in my closet the hangers are equally spaced apart. It’s bad, I know, but sometimes being so anal-retentive has its benefits. Take my daily oral hygiene routine, for example:

Brushing my teeth is just the beginning, though it deserves a lot of attention. A sonic toothbrush is an obvious no-brainer, and no one does it better than Sonicare; the latest models even come with built-in timers to ensure you complete the recommended two minutes. With toothpaste, I was a big-name brand guy for years. That is, until I landed this gig at Birchbox and tried Marvis. Despite the vintage packaging, this stuff makes my teeth cleaner (and whiter) than the most futuristic-branded drugstore teeth cleaners. And—crazy as it may sound—the combination of such substantial, non-goopy paste and a screw top closure make for a tidier, residual gunk-free operation that suits my obsession with tidiness. From there, it’s time to floss. Oral-B’s Glide series uses the same technology found in Gore-Tex manufacturing. And while I’m not exactly sure how that works, it’s just plain cool. Think flossing’s where it ends? Not a chance. Now it’s time to use my trusty Waterpik. Anyone who ever had braces probably remembers their orthodontist recommending one of these bad boys, but you’d be amazed at how much cleaner your mouth feels (even after flossing). Then, I break out a tongue scraper, which in my opinion is the unsung hero of the oral care kingdom. Most of the time, the cause of bad breath can be traced back to bacteria on the tongue, so a couple of passes with one of these does wonders. Last but certainly not least, it’s time for a final rinse with Listerine. Now, when I say Listerine, I mean the original, insanely minty, oh-my-god-my-mouth-is-on-fire variety. None of this “less intense formula” nonsense. If it doesn’t burn, then it’s not working as well.