I can't tell you how many consultations I've been to. But I can tell you that every one that I've been to, the couple hasn't interviewed us.

Wait. What?

I'm actually very shocked at this. Probably the most important person in the grand scheme of your wedding day and we aren't asked any questions? I mean, yes, decor and clothes and food, and, and and...are all so very important. Did you think about the person that signs that marriage license to make your marriage legal?

Wow. This actually pretty interesting to think about. Just because someone is willing to take your money and stand in front of a crowd and say the words, does not mean that they are allowed to legally marry you. This is one HUGE important question you should be asking. But there are more...

So what should you be asking potential officiants?

First ask for their credentials. Don't just take their word that they are legally allowed to marry you. Ministers should have an ordination certificate from their church. Justices of the Peace will have documentation from a government agency to verify.

Know the law in the state and county that you're getting married in (not the one(s) you're living in). Laws very state-to-state regarding who can legally marry folks (not to mention who can legally get married!) and also county-to-county. Even if your potential officiant has the right credentials, that doesn't necessarily mean that they can marry you.

So this person can make your marriage legal, next question might be...what are your spiritual beliefs? Now this wouldn't apply if you're being married by a JoP, but you can ask all clergy this question. You'll want to make sure that their beliefs mesh with yours, *OR* they won't let their beliefs into the ceremony if they don't mesh with yours.

Do they require and/or offer pre-marriage counseling. Some ministers definitely will require it, but may not offer the service. Some won't require it at all, some might even talk with you briefly at the consultation.

Do they offer customized ceremonies or is it a common script for all weddings (with additions for unity ceremonies and the like)? If customized, how much customization do they allow? Can you write your own vows, if you so choose? And so on. If you want a ceremony that is just yours, you want to make sure that the officiant is willing to let you play with his script.

Will they attend the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and/or reception (if invited)? It is definitely proper etiquette to offer to your vendors to stay and eat at the reception, and for any vendors attending your rehearsal to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. If your budget is an issue, obviously you may not be able to do so, and most vendors will understand (well I know I do anyway!).

If you're hiring clergy to marry you, make sure to disclose if you're already living together, have children together (or from previous relationships) and/or divorced. Some clergy will not perform your wedding under these circumstances, and you don't want to be stuck without an officiant when you surprise them the day of. Inform and ask if they have any issues with that.

Will they allow another clergy to assist during the ceremony (especially if you're having an interfaith wedding in which you want to be married by a clergy from each faith)?

Do they allow you to see the script and approve it? How will this take place (meetings, email, etc)?

How will they be dressed? Suit, robes, etc.

Will they perform a themed ceremony? And if so, will they dress the part (if you so choose)?

Do they have back up in case of emergency or illness?

What is the process of creating your script?

What are their fees and do they require a deposit? I know most officiants will request a deposit to save your dates, some may not and some may require the entire fee up front. I personally request the whole thing up front, but my fees are some of the lowest in KC.

Do they have a cancellation policy?

If you're getting married on the fly, do they have a location they can marry you? Some officiants have a set location in their home or office that's decorated nicely just for such occasions. Some do not, but may have some ideas for you at low cost or even free.

If you're on a tight budget, are their fees negotiable? Some clergy will take donations of whatever you can afford, but you'll never know if you don't ask!

And now you know, and knowing is half the battle! GI JOE! Oh wait, nevermind. (Are you a kid of the 80s and think of that tagline every time someone says, "And know you know"? Please tell me I'm not the only one!)

This is a lot to soak in, a lot to ask, but you definitely need to take the time to do so. My first marriage, I hired our JoP over the phone, we never had a rehearsal, never met him until the day of, and while I wasn't disappointed, I definitely would have liked a more customized ceremony script! Live and learn, right?

I leave you with all this to absorb and reflect upon. Don't glaze over this part of your wedding planning, as this person is THE most important person of the day, other that the two of you! In a later post, I'll cover some items that you'll want to bring to the consultation with your officiant, especially if you're meeting with me!

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