100 comments:

Phone Rings...Akpos: Hello? Who am I speaking with Pls?Yahoo boy: Ah, don't u know who is calling?Akpos: No I don't, the number is restricted.Yahoo boy: How is Ligeria?Akpos: Nigeria is fine but who am I speaking with?Yahoo boy: It's your friend from London.Akpos: I have a couple of friends in London which of them is this?Yahoo boy: Just guess.Akpos: Em, is it Fatai?Yahoo boy: Yes! It's me Fatai!Akpos: Ah! Fatai! Looonggg time no see, how now? How is London?Yahoo boy: London is fine, how is Ligeria?Akpos: Nigeria dey there o, the usual wahala, Ehen! The other day I saw ur mother, she is very sick o, dat was two weeks ago, I am sure she should be dead by now....Yahoo boy: Ah!Akpos: Yes o, your father's house in the village rain-storm blew away the roof and it landed on the old mans legs and shattered them, he is at Ogwa presently ......Yahoo boy: Shuuooooo:O!Akpos: ....yes o, the bone mender says it will not heal because he has diabetes, later they said tetanus has entered already, the man is quarter to go, your younger brother went to smoke Igbo with those bad boys and since then the guy kolo, he is in Uselu psychiatric now, your elder brother went to a burial at Ugbegunebudin he went to drink anyhow there, they nack am epilepsy there, he is just falling every time .....Yahoo boy: Haaaaa!!!!!Akpos: ...wait o, there is more, your sister carry belle, e go do aborti ....Yahoo boy: You wait! E don do for you! I reject everything you say in Jesus name! Those things will never happen to me....Akpos: Ah! Is this not Fatai, they have already happened ...Yahoo boy: I am not Fatai, you idiot, na God go punish u.Akpos: Na devil go solder ur yash, no go find work bloody thief! 419...wait make I burn your credit small,idiot.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their seven-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.

"A police car has just arrived at the Hamilton's house, the Christopher's are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex."

Hearing this, the boy's parents freezed. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?"

The most embarrassing moment was when my Uncle who happens to be a short person visited us. At night due to his height my sister carried him outside removed his trousers and asked him to urinate mistaking him for my junior brother. The next morning he left angrily and till date we haven't seen him again... source, Copied from "Isaacson"

As we all know by now My Rules and regulations are as follows *Anonymous gist is invalid*Each person is only entitled to one gist, multiple entry get youdisqualified for any win*You must state the source of a gist ie either #copied or #original

A man shouted Holy Ghost fire from his sleep, his wife woke him up and askWife: honey what is it? Husband: i had a terrible nightmare Wife: were u being chased by a Lion?Husband: that would have been betterWife: what is it then?Husband: i almost voted Buhari again in my dreamWife: God forbid, we need to Pray... #lol #forlaughs #copiedfromdicksonosifo #GodblessNigeria #Godblessourleaders

This guy got so high on weed, that he was searching for his phone with the torchlight of the same phone he was looking for. He got so worried about the phone and was almost in tears. Even his roommate, who was also high, decided to join him in The search. After 45 minutes of searching, his phone rang, he picked the call and quickly replied the caller“I’ll call you back, I’m looking for my phone ” and he angrily ended the call and continued in the search for the phone he just answered a call with. After a while, he then decided to use the same phone to call his line and when he got the busy network signal he turned to his roommate and said “guy forget, that phone don loss, the person wey thief am, don off am ” 😂😂😂😂😂😂*SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!*

Lmao! This shit has happened to me too. Was late for work, I rushed back home looking for phone that is not looking for me. Hahahahaha! Ran straight to my room and spent about 20 mins looking for this thing. I had an important document to transfer to my system that morning. Heeyyyy! I was already sweating buckets when I noticed the bloody thing was on my dashboard all along. To think I had turned halfway. Lol! That day was a very eventful day for me. My eyes were just seeing double.

Laugh my ass off. Three days ago I was late for work, I needed to buy fuel, so i ran inside the gas station, paid, got in my car and drove off, so after work, I went back to the car before I could drive one mile, 'omon' the gas light came on, I was like hehe them don steal my gas, that when I remember, I went back to the same gas station they were just looking at me like, sorry sir.....oh shit, that was 20 bucks

during my university days, my friend/coursemate was dedicating her baby in the same town where our campus was located. we all attended (class mates), as a good dancer that i is nau everybody was just shouting for me to be in front of the thanksgiving procession to the altar. i did not know that my village witch i offended have vowed to do me public disgrace. we all lined up and the choir started singing, as i wan raise my leg to start the okoso dance na so my shoe hill hook my long gown and i fall down, face flat with a loud thud. J E S U, even preist laughed, by the time i carried my fat self up, my shoe was one side and hill another side, i just stood up left everything even the surviving left shoe, entered bike, went back to the hostel and hid my face in shame. since then, even song sweet me wella, i go just respect myself cos then even people wey no come dedication hear say i fall. #ORIGINAL

JUDGE: How come you were arrested and brought before the court for stealing a goat?

KUNLE: My Lord, I was just passing by Mr. Darlington's house and I saw a very big rope tied to a tree. I said to myself, "maybe the tree is trying to commit suicide," so I rescued the tree and took the rope home. My Lord� I swear I didn�t realise there was a goat tied to the rope until now!

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, aWest Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn'thave money to buy food.However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classyneighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a threecourse meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, thewaiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!"- the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused becausehe could not remember being paid. But because he did not want tocause any trouble, he let the brother leave.Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurantand ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finishedeating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY,HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the WestIndian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm downthe West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the othercustomers. He let the guy go.Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are.He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive mealon the menu, plus two bottles of Beer. After he had finished, the waitercame to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian couldsay anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir, I have been having all sortsof problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people likeyou came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don'tremember getting any money from them so, " Before he could finish,the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOUOOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE MEMY CHANGE!!"

Some females are so sensitive. She said she was pregnant with twins; and all I said was "Well at least two of your kids will have the same daddy". Two months now she hasn't picked my call. Don't know what I did wrong:::::::

I discovered something terrible with my neighbor. He was very sick and called a witch doctor to come to treat him at his house. The witch doctor said his case was critical and that he cannot be cured, but the sickness can be transferred to another person. My neighbor accepted. The witch doctor worked on him, and told him, as I am leaving, if anyone opens the door you must say 'tchaa'. And this person will die in your place. The witch doctor left, and my neighbor was waiting for the first unlucky person so as to say 'tchaa', and transfer his sickness to the person and be cured. But the witch doctor discovered that he didn't collect any money from my neighbor for his treatment, so he decided to take the risk to go back to my neighbor and ask. As soon as he opened the door, my neighbor said 'tchaa', the witch doctor said 'retchaa', my neighbor then said 'reretchaa', the witch doctor said 'rereretchaa'. As I am telling you now, the whole quarters are there watching how the two are in 'rererererereretchaa'.😂😂😂😂

An Arab was admitted in the Hospital for a heart operation, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring towns. Finally an Igbo guy was located who had a similar type of blood. The IGBO guy willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery,the Arab sent the Igbo guy as appreciation, a new BMW 540iL, diamonds, lapis lazuli jewelry, and half a million US dollars. Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the igbo dude who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After a successful surgery, the Arab sent the dude a thank you card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. The igbo guy was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and told him, 'I thought this time you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond chocolate & sweets. To this the Arab replied 'Nwanne I can't help it, ..... Now I have igbo blood running in my veins!! 😂😬😬😬😀😀😀.

Angels: Almighty Father, we are tiredof these Nigerians ... in heaven oGOD: What have they done this time?Angels: Everything! They don't listento instructions! They don't obey trafficrules, they don’t wait for their turn inanything! They are reckless!(exasperated). In fact they haveturned heaven upside down since the firsttime we started admitting them.GOD: Pls, bear with them. They are veryspecial to me...ehm let me call Satan in hellto see how he's doing....(phone rings) hell-o Lucifer, how arethings over there…?Satan: Baba God, pls call me later.There's an issue I'm trying to resolve.(ten minutes later)GOD: hell-o LuciferSatan: I'll call you back. The issue hasturned into a crisis. (one hour later) Satan;Sorry Baba GOD.GOD: Lucifer are you having problems overthere?Satan: It is these Nigerians I have with mein hell. He (stammers) they..they....they have quenched the fire inhell and installed air conditioners 😄😅😅

*Bayo and his wife Ola received a letter from their daughter who went to study modern physics overseas. SHE WROTE~My beloved Parents, I miss u so much & it breaks my heart to think that by d time i get back, you will be too old. So, enclosed you will find a bottle of a red portion i have invented. It will make u young, so when i return, you will be the same age as i left u. NOTE: "Pls, take only a drop."GoodBye i love u! So they opened the envelope & in it, is a bottle with a red portion. The man looked at his wife & says U go first". So Ola takes a drop, thereafter Bayo follows. Indeed d wife turns 5yrs younger. Years later, the daughter returned home to find her mother young & pretty, carrying a baby on her back. The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how d portion worked & made her look young. D daughter was happy & asks after her father . "Your Father? Hmmmmm,, ur father was so jealous dat i was so young and beautiful, so he drank the whole bottle. Whaaaat? So where is he?" replied her daughter. Hmmmm, na him dey my back...*

So on my first visit to Ikeja mall, I was with folks and we went shopping. At a point I was pressed and needed to use the convenience, after doing my business I came out to wash my hands. I put on the tap and after washing,see me trying to lock the tap na omo the water just kept flowing with so much 'anger'. I kept trying to lock the tap while some Lagos butty gehs were just looking at me some with disdain and others with pure amusement. I was at the verge of crying when a janitor came around and told me to just walk away that it would stop. I left with sounds of laughter ushering me out. Cheiii😀🙆🏾I'm glad this internet craze had not started then otherwise my pic would have flooded the internet with some funny captions. 😀🙈

This man had real problems in his family life so he decided to go and check a juju man.The juju man told him to come back in 2 weeks bringing along some sample of dirt from his yard. So the man went back after 2weeks with the sample of dirt. The juju man performed his rituals and said to the man....I don't know if you can handle hearing this, the man said go ahead I want to hear it.The juju man said the two boys are not your sons, your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant for your own brother. The man started laughing, the juju man asked him why he was laughing, after all this bad news.The man responded I don't know if you can handle this; the juju man said go ahead, the man said I was running late and I forgot to bring the dirt sample so I dug out some from your yard.