Writer-at-large

Rules from my cat

(Note–Not rules for my cat because that’s just silly). These are the first ten rules that I am to follow for the privilege of the Cat allowing me to live in the house with her. There are MANY more.

1) The human needs to sleep on its back with its legs forming a triangle, preferably with the left leg straight and the right bent. This position should be maintained for the entire sleeping time.

2) When the human is asleep, the meow of the Cat should rouse said human sufficiently for petting. The human may not sit up or otherwise stir at this time.

3) The human needs to get out of bed each morning at the same time regardless of work schedule or there will be howling.

4) The human is not permitted in its chair when the Cat is sitting in it. Furthermore, the human is not permitted to pet the Cat more than three times when said Cat is relaxing in the chair snoozing or watching TV. This will be enforced by savaging the hand and arm of the human.

5) The Song of the Stuffed Toy Mousie should not be interrupted by any human, no matter how many verses or choruses. Additionally, the human is not permitted to sing or hum because the Cat is much better at singing, sometimes hitting more than one note at the same time.

6) If the human persists in singing, the Cat will attempt to drown it out by yowling. If this does not succeed in shutting the human up, the human will be savaged on whatever parts the Cat can reach.

7) No human shall visit for any length of time because it is upsetting to the Cat’s Zen.

8) There will be no use of vacuums, blenders, exercise bikes, or other noisy appliances because these also disturb the Cat’s Zen.

9) The Cat is perfectly healthy and does not need to visit the vet ever. The human has been told this at length, and still the human persists in dragging the Cat in the office yearly and whenever the Cat is feeling bad. This is unacceptable.

10) The Cat likes to be petted for the exact length of time that the Cat likes to be petted. However, one nanosecond of additional petting will result in the human being savaged. There will be no signs of irritation before the attack, even if the human looks for them based on years of experience and education.