Friday, August 7, 2015

It is hard for me to even write this. The words are not coming out ...and when something finally gets on the paper it's not the right thing to say. There is nothing...no word, no song, no tear that can explain how it feels when you lose a part of your family. My heart is broken in a million pieces and it feels hard to breathe. With every breath I take I am aware that it's one more that Krum is not going to share with me. Yet the Earth still spins...people laugh...dogs live...just not you, Krum.

Death is never easy to deal with. It is especially hard when it's sudden and completely, completely unfair. Is death ever fair?

Tonight we found our perfectly healthy( at least on the outside), happy and energetic almost 7 year old puppy asleep for the last time. He looked so peaceful, so quiet that at first we thought he was sleeping. But even when he is asleep, he always rushed towards us ready for kisses and hugs, ready to please and enjoy our attention ...not today. The devastating moment when I realized that he is in fact not breathing literally stopped my breath away. I could feel my heart breaking and my soul screaming with the unfairness of the loss.

Why him?
Why now?
Why....why...why...?

We rushed to the emergency room...hoping that by some miracle that it's not true...that they will do something, that they will bring him back...and then I saw it. The form.
" Reason for visit: ..................."
I couldn't look at it. I couldn't write it. I couldn't breathe.
Two kids crying, two parents broken down by the loss and their kids tears. It was one of the most devastating moments in my life. Losing Krum was hard enough. Watching my children ...my innocent children untouched by death lose their lifelong friend was twice as hard.

Even as I am writing this it is hard to breathe. He is in a large cardboard box next to me. A small candle flickers near his head. I see him there. I am making plans how we will bury him, yet I cannot accept it. It's not true. It's not! It can't be!!! I am screaming inside of my head and it hurts...
It hurts like my whole body is being ripped apart by the pain and then put back together so I can feel the agony over and over and over again....

We were supposed to pick up our new German shepherd puppy ( Vera) tomorrow morning. She was supposed to be his companion, his friend...his daughter. We were going to go to classes together, go places...do things...love. He couldn't last until the morning. He left us literally hours before we had to pick her up. Is it a coincidence? I don't know...And I want to know! I demand to know! I want to know why he died...and the doctors didn't know. All we know is he went peacefully.
I should probably take comfort knowing he didn't suffer but there is no comfort for me.
The room is small...the house is small...the world is small...I can't breathe...

He wasn't a pet. He wasn't a thing that we owned. He was a part of our family and I mourn him as the best human of all humans that I know. He loved unconditionally, he enjoyed life and was the most happy and friendly dog I have ever seen.
I wish I could spend a second...a millisecond more with him...just to tell him I love him, to pet him one more time, to kiss his furry forehead and to tell him he will be missed.
But I can't...
And it hurts....

I never experienced more sudden and unexpected loss as Krum's. I always thought how much better it will be to not know when it's time to go because it will make it easier. It's worse...there is no closure, there is no end to the pain that will live with me until the rest of my days.
I carry Troy in my heart and for 10 years I mourned his loss. I know I am not getting over Krum's death anytime soon.

Rest in peace, lovely, happy boy! We love you more than we were ever able to tell you...yet I hope you knew how much we loved you and how much you meant to us.