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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I just want to "be"

A few days ago we took a little trek to meet with a few dear friends that we haven't seen in a while.

It was bittersweet.

The people we shared lunch with have always been a balm for my soul. They are the people who have walked with me since I was a new believer, that didn't know the Old Testament from the New Testament. They are the people who have helped me grow up in my walk. They are the ones who I followed, as they followed Christ. We sacrificed together, we cried together, we loved together. They are people who always bring out the best in me. When we are together I am the truest self I can be. When we are together I feel safe. When we are together I feel loved. When we are together I belong. When we are together it feels so great to just "be".

I doubt that I will ever experience the friendship and community that we shared together, when we lived so close, again.

It is difficult to go on with "normal" relationships after experiencing what we lived, together. I find myself saddened sometimes that I can't seem to connect the same way with another group. I love the new friends I have made, but sometimes still feel like a square peg trying to fit into the round hole.

Perhaps, it is because I am a little under the weather and the year is coming to a close, but I find myself feeling a little melancholy.

I think it is a good thing.

I think that as I met with these sweet friends, I began to realize how much of "me" I have lost.

I was forced to look in the mirror and see who I have become since the last time we were all together. Frankly, it isn't that pretty.

I have become complacent in so many areas. I have put God on the back burner and it has taken it's toll. I have let the miraculous become the mundane by failing to see the hand of God in the daily "work" of raising my son and loving my husband. I have replaced the joys in my life with garbage that neither edifies or builds up. I have become lazy. I have become (more) selfish. I have forgotten that each day I must "lay down my life" so He can live through me.

I am hopeful, that starting today (or maybe when I quit sneezing) that I can "be" myself again. I think that "being" with Him, is gonna make all the difference.

2 comments:

good words, jes. i needed to hear them. meant to write something on your last post, too... I am sorry - you are missing him greatly right now, that makes me hurt for you. I have no idea what it feels like to have lost a parent. It's ok to feel melancholy. like you said, perhaps it's good. (i really can relate with you in missing the friendships that "were", seeing where we're at now, and realizing I don't quite fit in still). praying that God will encourage your heart today. this can be a tough time of year in so many ways.

jes i so get that there are just certain friends that i feel so very comfortable with...that who i am is perfect and i dont need to pretend... I realize all the time i just dont fit in, and that makes me miss the fittingness with other friends