The Portland Trail Blazers, Now with More Metal Detectors

According to First. Live. Local.™ Fox 12, tonight's Blazers game will feature the perimeter defensive skills of the Metal Detector Bot 5000, which will allow you to bring in your car keys, but not your dirty bombs.

The team told season ticket holders that walk-through metal detectors will be used as fans enter the arena. The additional security is in accordance with NBA procedures that were recently adopted to ensure the safety of fans, the team said.

In the message to season ticket holders, the Blazers said the machines will be set at a sensitivity level to detect prohibited items such as guns, knives and pepper spray, but will enable fans to pass through with items such as keys and pocket change.

Unnecessary metal detectors are nothing new—I particularly enjoy the security measures at the Roseland that require the same level of treatment (a waltz through a detector plus a boner-inducing pat-down) for Sigur Rós as they do for Dead Prez—and I suppose it was only a matter of time before the "safety of fans" lead to this. If you plan on attending tonight's game—or any future Blazers game—be sure to arrive early. Thanks to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you will no longer be able to smuggle a flask into a Blazers game. What a jerk.