Donnie Yen is in a Star Wars movie, Dr Phil was on an episode of Monday Night RAW and we’re getting a brand new DOOM game. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE! This weekend, you the people who didn’t pre-order the game (or buy Wolfenstein) will get to go hands on with it in an open beta. Fast action, buckets of blood and at least one instance where you’ll transform into a hellborn chaos demon with a jet-pack.

For many of you, you’re going to feel right at home with DOOM. For many more of you, you might be a little bit lost. Well fret not. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s a complete lack of self-preservation that has manifested itself into a suicidal death-run face-first towards people who are firing bolts of plasma in my direction. So here’s a primer for this weekend.

Oh you guys, you’re so sweet. April 15 until April 17 is the run-time for the open beta. It’ll run from 12:00AM EST, or 6 in the AM locally. It’ll end on Sunday at 11:59PM EST, which translates to 05:59AM for the people of the south on the following morning.

How do I get into the open beta?

It’s easier than setting Geoff off with door to door canvassing by homeopathic Mormons. You can start a pre-load right now on Steam, while the files for Xbox One and PlayStation 4 will be released closer to the time. If you were in the closed beta, you can keep that install and simply update when the beta opens up.

Behold the shotgun. Know the shotgun. Learn the way of the shotgun. Become the shotgun. Suggestively stroke the shotgun. The shotgun is life for you, and death for others. The shotgun is hands down the best gun in DOOM, despite what some other knob at some other local gaming site has to say. It’s two barrels of fury, an up close and personal greeting card for whoever gets in your face.

No, shut up. The shotgun is all you need.

FINE. Other “weapons” in the open beta include the rocket launcher, plasma rifle, heavy repeater, vortex rifle, gauss cannon and the static cannon.

Oh man, such wonderful toys. My favourite of the lot is the personal teleporter. Time it just right, and if you teleport while someone else crosses the beacon that you’ll appear at, you’ll prove the scientific theory that no two sets of atoms can occupy the same space at the same time. Only without Jeff Goldblum turning into nightmare fuel.

There’s also your standard frag grenade and a vampiric grenade that siphons off health from your foes. Quite neat when used properly.

Think speed. Think of a soft, graceful glide across maps that always ends with someone having their skull caved in with explosive force. You ever spend Friday nights at an internet cafe playing Quake 3 Arena or setting up bulky CRT monitors in a cramped garage LAN? You’re going to be right at home here.

Hah, oh man. You have so much to learn, young grasshopper. Listen, your health isn’t going to regenerate. Iron-sights aren’t that useful. This is a proper ol-school shooter, whose most modern additions are a double-jump and the ability to mantle up edges. Rewind your mindset by 15 years, and you’ll be ready to kick some ass.

Hack modules. Imagine the burn cards from Titanfall, but these will last through death as they’re based on a timer. They aren’t as powerful, but savvy use of them can help make or break a match. Oh, and then there’s the Revenant.

Not even close! Instead, each map will give you a chance to transform into an Iron Maiden mascot, as you assume the role of a rocket demon revenant who has triple health, instakill RPGs and a jetppack to fly around with. It’s rather brilliant.

Two maps buddy. Infernal is set within hell itself, while Heatwave is a UAC facility that looks like it came out of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Both stages are filled with armour shards, health, ammo and power-ups. Quad damage baby. It’s the best.

Standard deathmatch and the rather exciting Warpath. Think of a King of the Hill mode, but one wherein the zone in question is always on the move and makes for matches where the momentum can very quickly shift around.

According to the team, you’ll need to sport at least these specs to survive the inferno:

But you’ll be better off with a rig that features hardware as good or better than this:

Listen, I called dibs on a hot pink design for my marine. Get your own skin. But seriously, there are a lot of customisation options to play around with. Everything from your character, through to your weapons can be tuned up with paint schemes, rust and tarnish. And all for free, with not a single whiff of microtransaction fouling up the air. You’ll unlock more armour pieces and options as you level up, which will really help create your custom killer of hell and beyond.

And that’s the gist of it! See you guys on the weekend, when I go shotgun crazy yet again.