Besides, I didn’t lose a toe to frostbite on Porkchop Hill so I’d live in a U. S. of A. without lights and heat and my “America’s Most Wanted.”

So here’s my plan: find out when you’re supposed to turn the lights out, and turn them all on. You hillbillies with Christmas lights still up? For once, you did good: snap ‘em on.

Borrow the worst mileage truck you can find, lower the tire pressure, then drive to the dump and throw out all that stuff you aren’t supposed to, like bleach bottles and Styrofoam peanuts. Celebrate by going to the fast food drive through and going around and around, ordering just one item at a time! Then eat in the car and throw the litter out the window.

Go home and put the furnace on high – then turn up your air conditioning to cancel it out! Flush the toilet every hour on the hour. (This is where prostate trouble comes in real handy!) Slice up a bunch of old tires with your gassiest chainsaw, and set ‘em on fire! You won’t hear your neighbors complain cuz all your radios and TVs will be blasting.

Let those dirty hippie traitors sit in the dark this Saturday night like a bunch of commies. All us true Americans will be making them cry!