The baby's breakfast consisted of a couple handfuls of swag bag fruit puffs tossed on the floor of the hotel room.Part Two: It Takes A Village

I once again attempted to attend an actual panel at the actual conference that I had paid actual money for -- this time with the VaginallyChallengedMen of Blogher. When I walked in, Ezra was asleep, but oh, no, that did not last very long at all. Luckily, there were plenty of women around us willing to offer us various forms of baby-amusement: toys from their swag bags, handfuls of Quaker cereal, their noses.

The first time he squawked an emphatic "EEEEEEEHHHHHHHHAAAAA," it was funny, and all the faces that spun around to stare at us were sympathetic and amused. By the third or fourth time, not so much, and when I caught a definite glare of "ENTITLED MOMMYBLOGGER" from a few rows up, we got up and left. Which was a shame, because it was a good panel, except that apparently NO ONE on that panel was sleeping with ANYONE in the audience, except for like, THEIR WIFE, or whatever. Booooring!

Part Three: Amy Storch, Star Of Such Films As "The Internet" and "Getting Too Big For Her Old Navy Britches"

At lunch, my tablemates and I were approached by a marketing type offering entry into a contest for a new MacBook. As my current MacBook is in need of a new motherfuckingboard (I believe that's the technical term for it, I am pretty sure), I enthusiastically agreed. As she explained the rules, she stopped and mentioned that I looked VERY FAMILIAR and asked my name.

ME: (all smuggish asshole-like) Amy. Amalah.

HER: And your blog name?

ME: (less smuggish asshole-like) Amalah. Dot Com.

HER: (pause)

AMY: (holds up business card, points) Eh?

HER: No.

It turns out that she thought I looked like some local newsperson's daughter, or something. I get that a lot, I told her.

(Actually, despite the fact that I get a good 25 PR pitches A DAY over email, not one single PR or marketing person at the conference had ever heard of me or my blog. Which means there are either 1) waaaaaay too many PR and marketing types out there targeting bloggers, or 2) the ones who send me pitches are not really reading my blog like they claim to. Whichever could it be!!)

Part Four: Stop! Paneltime.

Things I did not bring to our panel on Pop Culture & Gossip & Feminism & What We All Think About Gwyneth Paltrow & Jon & Kate:

1) My notes

2) Something in lieu of notes to serve as a Fidgeting Prop that would keep me from doing weird twisty things with my hands the whole time, as can be seen here.

Ezra tried to participate in the proceedings, first by shrieking, as if to bring to mind the level of discourse in the comments section at Perez Hilton, then by attempting to climb up a microphone stand like a stripper pole, as meta-commentary on the sexualization of young celebs these days, and finally, in a brilliant bit of performance art about the plight of the drunken young starlet, by passing out cold on the stage:

As for all the other photos floating around from this panel, and hell, the whole conference, I would just like to ask my chin, which since getting pregnant decided to melt downwards and eat my neck in every photo: WTF, chin?

("In every photo." Ha! Because it can't be that I actually LOOK LIKE THAT, with the double saggy chin. No, there must be something wrong with your camera. You should get a new one. I hear Nikon does good work.)Part Five: Quality Assurance Standards Are Slipping

The baby's dinner consisted of a lamb lollipop and five mini Beef Wellington hors d'ourves at the official conference cocktail party.

Incompetent mothering? MOI?

(Photo stolen from AngellaD. My word, I am a TERRIBLE example for the children.)

The Beef Wellingtons left a ton of greasy pastry crumbs all over my dress -- my last clean dress, my last clean ANYTHING, really -- but the highlight of my babywearing weekend was looking down at some point and seeing my baby gnawing on a giant hunk of meat. Meat that I did not give him. So I immediately became suspicious of my fellow party-goers, asking them, "Who the hell gave my baby meat? Did someone seriously come up and hand him MEAT?"

That's when I realized that it had fallen out of the last Beef Wellington he'd eaten about 20 minutes before and he'd been saving it in the sling for later. Also that it was probably a good thing that I was leaving him with a babysitter again that night.

Part Six: In Which I Eat A Lot Of Cheeseburgers

And steal MORE PHOTOS from poor Angella (pictured here with me and everybody's favorite person, Isabel from AlphaMom). This is absolutely no way to repay her for stopping me from heading outside the hotel at 1:30 in the morning in search of an ATM so I could pay my sitter after the party.

I kept saying, "There's one in the hotel, right?" And everybody else kept saying, "No, actually, I don't think there is." And then I'd say, "Y'all are drunk. I'm sure there's an ATM in the hotel. Or close by. Probably not more than a couple blocks. I'll go look!"

Angella lent me the money for the babysitter. (AND my chin is behaving in every photo of me in her Flickr stream. Clearly her camera is working just fine. GAH.)

Man, who knew the apple juice from McDonald's could interfere with your thought processes and judgment like that?

I went back to my room, and not to be outdone by CERTAIN ROOMMATES who decided to stay out partying until FIVE IN THE MORNING, MISS CHICKY, I opted to pack instead of sleeping. And dance around the room listening ABBA on my iPod. Because...yeah.

Part Seven: The End

The next morning Ezra woke up with a cold, a slimy disgusting cold that he smeared all over every surface of our room and the back of my shirt while in the Ergo. It was time to go home.

There are so many more people that I should mention, link to, rave
about. So, so many. I will say this, though -- I sense some people left
Blogher disillusioned, irritated, and concerned about the future of our
little corner of the blogosphere. That "community" word, again,
imperiled.

I didn't. I left invigorated. Inspired. Pledging to do better and be better. To not show up next year and admit to someone that I've read them for YEARS, despite never commenting or linking to them. (Just like I did last year!)
To make sure that if you're in my Google Reader, YOU KNOW IT, either by
my comments or your URL on my much-neglected and terribly-out-of-date
links page. To not talk to you, but with you. Because you -- collective
you, general-sense you -- are all incredible. And you've helped make my
life incredible, PR pitches and trips and swaaaaaaaaaaag aside. Jesus
Christ, that baby you met this weekend? I get to stay home with him
every day, all the time, and write stuff on the Internet because of
you.

Thank you. So much. I'm sorry if I don't say that enough, in words or deeds.

Ezra fell asleep in my arms as our plane took off, and didn't wake up until after we landed.

Next year I'm there. This has to be my spiritual reward for all those years of attending, and working, and managing other people attending, and working, industry trade shows. BlogHer cannot be another Software 2007. I. guarantee. you.

You totally have my permission to use that picture of Ezra sleeping on the stage. Just don't blame me if Jodi kicks your ass for publishing it.

One of my big take-aways from BlogHer is that I really do need to be a better commenter/linker, because you had a totally blank look when I told you I've read you for years (and I have! Like since before you got pregnant with Noah! Honest!), but I think I've commented maaaaybe 3 times since 2005. Me = lame.

Oh, and I also need to work on being a better writer because holy crap there are a lot of amazingly talented people in this little community of ours.

Ok fair enough. Should tell you that I love your blog and have been lurking for a year or more. I don't mean to lurk, just am so awed by your blog and the numerous responses you receive that nothing I have to add seems worthy!

I did, however, add your link to my own little blogroll when I started writing a couple months ago. Hope that absolves me of the guilt from lurking!

I love that last picture of Ezra! Adorable. I haven't commented on your blog before (I have only recently become brave enough to comment on anyones!), so wanted to let you know that I think you are great.

Ok, so I totally feel called out. I read your blog all the time. I seriously look forward to your posts every day. But I can't comment when I'm at work (I'm at home now). It's blocked somehow. I don't understand how. I did send you a question once and you ANSWERED and I seriously had to run to the break room and squeal a bit because I live in Cubeland, while at work, and the squealing would have been a teensy bit distracting. Anyways, Hi. Again. I'm so glad you had an overall wonderful time at Blogher! I'm going to do my best to be there next year!

Oh, and P.S. That picture of Ezra? Officially made my heart MELT. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to call Husband home early from golf so that we can go about getting one of our own. TMI! Ahh! Sorry!

I wish I'd known you were feeling pressure to leave because I would have held him up there on stage for the rest of the panel. I'm sorry you felt like you had to go. Thanks for coming, though. You are awesome.

Oh shit. I'm your bestest lurker. But HI - you are in my Reader! At the top actually, and not just because you are an A or named Amy like me. And thank you - I'll also try to comment more on my Reader people I lurk on. And in NYC I shall really want to meet you! (PS: Come to Blissdom in February!)

Eh, my kiddo (a couple weeks younger than Ezra) looooves big hunks of beef (And clearly needs more of them, as her ped seems to think she's a wee bit anemic. Shit.) but I do believe it would freak me out if I didn't know where it had come from!

Though I was not able to attend blogHer this year- I have come to a similar conclusiong... The wonderful women I read here on the interweb impact my life daily- I want to make sure you know how much you mean!
Also- leftover sling meat=bliss (or so quoth my little man!)
Also, also- BlogHer '10 Baaabeeeee! *throws up rock hands!*

I'm going to go fangirl on you and say that one of my favourite moments of the conference was when I had the opportunity to say hi to you - and you didn't just smile at me and walk away... we all had an actual conversation and you were totally present. Thank you for that.
And Ezra is totally completely edible. I managed not to take a bite.

I am a total lurker, but have braved the comments section a few times. Mostly I just stare, drooling, at the sheer awesomeness that is your blog. And you go to, like, conventions and stuff. And get paid for it, too, and stuff. I love your boys, ummm...and stuff. And I pale in comparison. Thanx Amy, for your tales of trials with school authorities to meat sling storage.

OK, someone explain to me why it's problematic to read someone's blog and not comment. I've been reading you since before Noah was born. I think I've commented once or twice.

Please don't interpret what follows as an affront, as it's in no way meant as a negative, but I feel that the blogs I read are like any other form of print media -- someone wrote it, I read it, and we're both happy with our roles. What am I not getting???

I'm the person that wrote in to the smackdown asking, "When I can barely function taking care of myself, how will I be able to take care of a baby?" and holy moley this is a testament to what mamas can do. Thank you. I'm still an unknockedup fraidy cat, but that pic of ez makes me want my own little guy in feetie pajamas to snuggle. Someday....

I read, and have read for years but you have such a large readership it feels a little weird to comment sometimes, because there are already a million jazillion comments!
So, HELLO! I live in Seattle and have a 2.5 year old who drives me crazy when I am trying to work...or read blogs.

I loved talking to you at the MamaPop party and again at the CheeseburgHer party. That you even knew who I was just made my day on Friday! And I am hoping some of Ezra's awesome eating habits rub off on my little one after Big E played with his wooden snaky thing before he did!

Holy Jeez you get a lot of comments. Do you read all of these? And, if so...just curious...how long does it take you?

Ezra is super cute. Baby Aurora says she thinks so too. Or, at least I think that's what it was she said. More like "eh eh pbbbtt." - So, it may be a really rough translation or, "Mom, I need to poop." Really can't tell.

1) How many teeth does Ezra have that he eats anything he can get his hands on?

2) You are brave to travel with such a young baby. My aunt works for public health and keeps sending me CDC alerts that swine flu is actually on the rise worldwide. She does not want me to travel with my 10 month old.

so glad you and ez had a good time. i just want to say i am about to die realizing that two of my favorite bloggers occupied the same building at the same time. You and Lena from Cheekylotus both ROCK!!!!

I was so glad I got a chance to say Hi to you at the conference. Ezra is so adorable, I'm sure no one truly minded his additions to sessions.

I, too, left the conference feeling energized to be a better participant in the blog community. I'm still being slow getting there, but I'm determined. Seeing the actual people behind the screen really helped, and was a completely awesome experience.

P.S. I apologize again for spitting water on you at the Cheeseburgher party. Talk about most embarassing moment EVER!

I've read a bunch of recaps and Ezra makes them all so much richer. I'm glad there is a forum where we can learn and bring our children. I did see one where "someone" seemed critical of the kids being there and to her I say, "Bleh!"
I will hopefully be preggo by next August (planning to try in 4 months) and won't be into traveling so I'll have to look for Blogher 2011.
LOVE that photo of sleepy Ez at the end...and laughed myself out of my chair at the onstage one when I saw it on Poobou's blog. He is so adorable.

OH! That last picture of Ezra! So adorabuls - even with a cold. I can almost hear his little stuffy nose. Hope he's feeling better and glad you both had a great time - just reading about it was indeed a blast. :)

Once again, I am just blown away by your mothering skills. Do you have any idea how selfish you are? To drag a a baby around to a blog conference, being touched by tons of different people, and sleep on a dirty stage floor-NO WONDER why he is sick.

Can you believe that two weeks ago I didn’t even know what blogher was? Now I’m sitting here all jealous that I missed out on one kick-ass party. Almost made me want to start a blog. Whether a blog is a requirement for going or not it would be weird to attend if I didn’t…I would just be a blog groupie.

Guilty lurker here! :( I may have commented once or twice but I love your blog! Thanks for the laughs. That last picture of Ezra is so adorable! How can you not love the please hold me and cuddle me look?!

I've been reading a long time and I must tell you that you are an awesome writer. You are so fucking funny AND so fucking heartfelt when you need to be, like when you are writing about Noah & Ezra. I (heart) you. All the best to you and your family.
xo

Whew. I thought you left because he was telling you in baby-talk "this sucks, can I get a biter biscuit and some peace and quiet now?" You totally should have stayed - no, you should have brought him up to the mike. We all would have loved it.

We've never met (duh). I've known of you for a long time though. I am really bad at self introductions, but I have to do it sometime, right? :)

Megan - Well, I guess it's because blogs AREN'T traditional media. They're better. They're interactive, the lines between writer and reader can be blurred as the readers can also be writers (of their own blogs or just thoughtful comments). It's more than media, it is indeed a (gag) community. I like "knowing" my readers. I LOVE meeting regular commenters, I love finding other blogs through a super insightful or funny comment, I love hearing YOUR stories and input.

I mean, my God, the number of special-needs mamas I spoke with at Blogher. I can't imagine navigating Noah's childhood without them commenting here. It's awesome.

It's not "bad" to lurk and never comment or introduce yourself, at all -- it's just missing half the fun, I guess? Stat numbers are nice, but comments are better. (And like I said, HELLA GUILTY of lurking myself.) I actually never check my stats anymore, but I swear, I read every. single. comment. posted. ever.

Hey! Really enjoyed getting to talk with you and meet Ezra. Sorry for the poop false alarm (Ezra, not mine) and all the shenanigans involved with diaper changes on a precarious surface x 2. What a sweet, sweet boy.