The Future of Flatulence

This is a Dutch oven.

Several years ago, my girlfriend at the time would chide me for doing something called a “Dutch Oven.” That term seems offensive to people from the Netherlands, so I’ll just call it “farting under the sheets” or “night flatulence.” Apparently I was a frequent offender.

You read that correctly. Scientists have found that a small dose of human flatulence can prevent mitochondrial damage. Why were these scientists experimenting with farts? I have no idea. But I’m glad they did, because I think my value to the human race just significantly increased.

My only disappointment is that the article originally stated that flatulence can help cure cancer. No joke. But when I clicked on the link today to write this blog entry, I saw that the article had been corrected. One of the scientists must have frantically reached out to Time to clarify before things got really stinky.

So the next time you release a nighttime fart, turn to your loved one and say, “You’re welcome.”

Oh, no. I was hoping no one catch wind of this. I’m sure Jamey’s readers were breaking all kinds of winds last night in hopes of helping their loved ones, friends, and neighbors.

I can just imagine how last night was for some people. Someone released “helpful” gas (or is it nerve gas) under the toasty blanket. The other tried to remove the blanket to let gas out as they heard the siren sounded by the wind. The gasser quickly covered the innocent over their head with the same toasty farty blanket and yelled, “BREATHE!!! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!” The innocent would struggle for a bit and finally succumbed to the stink and breath in deeply. The gasser would then released another second “good” helping, uncovered the innocent, kissed the forehead, said their last words “Good night, love. And you’re welcome.” And turned to their side to fall asleep as the innocent plotting for revenge.

I am not thanking my brother for farting in my room at any chance he gets. Nope. Not going to happen.

This is another bad study that gets blown way out of proportion. Like that vaccines cause Autism study.