Living Life. Being myself. Being true to who I am through the ups and the downs of life.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Uterus updated

Sorry I haven't updated lately. My life is so hectic right now. I'm in the middle of finals. Have a toddler and have been watching my friend's 3 month old all day ( I need to create a post about the dynamic between him and Jayda...its just too funny). Plus I've been sick and throwing up. All pleasant things. And no I'm not joking. It's just a lot at once. The poor librarian today got her arse handed to her by hormonal ole me. Of course right when I got home I found the book she accused me of not returning and came back apologizing for yelling at her. Gotta love the ole blaming the hormones trick for being an a-hole.

I guess another reason I haven't updated is I don't know exactly what to say. I know there are so many people who want to be pregnant so badly right now that are reading my blog and it kills me to even mention it. I guess it's the survivor guilt because I refuse to sit here and googoogaga over all things pregnancy. Have no idea what googoogaga means but you get the point.

One thing I can't stand is people who have dealt with inferility, get pregnant and totally forget their journey. They ignore it even existed and refuse to offer support to other women still going through it. It's already such a lonely battle and you can lose many friends along the way but your own IF friends turning their backs and forgetting is a whole other pain.

I hate to admit it but a lot of times when I followed blogs of women who had IF and got pregnant I would click the unfollow button. Not because I wasn't happy for them but just because a lot of times they forgot where they came from and how lonely it is on the other side. They rub in ultrasound pictures, nursery pictures, gender announcements without even an acknowledgment of their infertility.

They are trying to move on. I get that but this is something that is an integral part of your life for so long. I guess its too hard for me to just let go the minute I see two lines. That pain runs a whole lot deeper and that wound won't heal for awhile. Part of me doesn't know if I even want it to heal completely. It keeps you grounded. Keeps you grateful.
Theres this one blogger who just had a baby after 3 failed IUIs, and 2 failed IVFs. She was one person I have loved following because she acknowledges her infertility journey. She has empathy for those still suffering instead of thinking just about her own happiness. She never posted ultrasound pictures or belly pics week by week. Never rubbed her pregnancy in your face and never complained. I looked forward to her posts because she made me laugh and cry all at the same time. Even when we were at such different points in our journey.

She posted this today and it's everything I want to say in just the right words. Gosh, I love this blogger. She's so rad.

For those wondering. I'm holding up good. I feel SO good about this pregnancy. I firmly believe in the mind body connection. I think that during pregnancy a woman (if tuned in) can communicate with her body unconciously about what is happening inside her. Crazy I know, but I believe that if a woman is looking she can know if something is just not right. Right when I found out I was pregnant with Jayda I had a feeling something was off. That grew as the weeks went by. I spotted on and off and just felt like something was wrong. Even when ultrasounds and blood tests showed everything was perfect. Everyone EVERYONE called me paranoid, but I was right. Something was wrong.

This time around it feels different. I feel so good. I haven't spotted at all. I've been so sick but loving every second of it (ok not loving but loving the reassurance). I'm not worried about whether eating Subway will kill the baby or whether taking a hot bath is boiling the baby to death. What I do worry slightly about is things out of my control. Not even worry but more cautiously optomistic. I feel like after writing this post I need to find some wood and knock on it.

I just don't want to get too excited because its still too early but can't help but fantasize how this could really be it. How I can finally have my family more complete.

For the most part I feel peace and I wonder how that is, but thankful for it all at the same time. Maybe I worked so hard for this that no matter what happens it will seem like a triumph. Like something really went right for once. That I had a baby growing inside me for at least a few weeks instead of worrying about cervical mucus and ovulation dates.

The day after I got my positive I got right in the next day for a BETA. The first BETA was 1005 which is amazing. The second BETA was 2356. Way awesome since they like it to double every 48 hours. I have an ultrasound on May 8th. My dr said to schedule it for 2 weeks but I scheduled it for 3 because next week is finals and if something is wrong I just don't want to know. The old Ashley would have been tortured by waiting an extra week.

Until then I am blissfully ignorant and for once hoping God will let me stay that way.

4 comments:

Thanks for the update! I like to see the progression of someone who has been ttcing for awhile. It gives me great hope that I can hopefully...someday...have a baby of my own :) Good luck on your finals!

ashley, congratulations to you again, and it's just kinda funny that you have an ultrasound on may 8th - and so do i. ha ha ha the same doctor, right? maybe i will see you there, maybe not - but i hope that you can continue on your journey safely, and that everything will work out for the best!

Hi I found your blog because I was going through infertility too. I want to tell you that It is okay to be happy. Its okay to blog throughout your pregnancy. Some may find it discouraging but others may find it inspiring. Congratulations and good luck with finals-I remember those days hehe!

Thanks for acknowledging that there are still a lot of us out there trying, and being sensitive to that. I feel the same way you do, sometimes a person just gets over the moon excited about their BFP and it becomes hard to continue following their journey. Everyone has the right to celebrate, I get that, but I'm just so appreciative of those that acknowledge the journey it took and those of us still going through it.