Sunday, July 5, 2009

Welcome to the newest section here at Bludgeon & Skewer, Re-Write Central. We had so much fun with the Mystery Poll take off we decided to do some more of them. Luckily, the New York Times published a "News Story " on 27 MAY 09 titled "Sotomayor Pick a Product of Lessons from Past Battles" that is perfect for this exercise, and so we proudly present :

The White House tells lackeys, minions and underlings to STFU, STFD

Washington - In preparation for the looming battle to get Rockin' Barry O's first SCOTUS nominee through the congressional approval process, white house aides threw a small tea party for a select group of unnamed liberal activists and informed them that their constitutionally guaranteed first amendment rights were being suspended for the next few weeks. The attendees went through the stages of surprise, indignation and finally meek acceptance in relatively short order and huddled together as they were given their instructions by the aforesaid white house aides. It boiled down to a simple plan to restrict the american public's knowledge of the impending pick by requiring everyone present to swear on Stalin's grave that they would not speak on the subject until congress was out of session to make sure the monumental announcement was issued with no chance for those evil republicans to avoid being blindsided by the Obama Express. Everyone present chortled with glee at the thought that they were in on the big secret and would play vital role in ensuring the venture's success just by keeping their mouths shut.

The plan for the roll out of the Prez's first SCOTUS pick was devised by Ronald "Chad" Klain, aka Kevin Kenneth Klain, a man gifted with a devious mind and long track record of successful lackeyhood in democratic power circles. Having started numerous dumpster fires of his own during the confirmation hearings for Clearence Thomas, it was agreed that his experience would be pivotal in squelching any dissent from either side of the aisle concerning the smooth appointment of Sonia "I'm smarter and more justlier than you" Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. He was aided in this by his dynamic side kick Cynthia "Leaky" Hogan, who didn't have the stellar career of Mr Klain in bouncing from one disastrous lobbing job to the next, but was deemed to have what it takes to get the job done on selling the first pick to the media minions and spinning any ill conceived questions from boot licking Democratic operatives during the hearings.

The first hurdle the dynamic duo had to clear was to ensure that Sotomayor had actually paid her income taxes in a timely fashion and didn't have any La Raza refugees living in her basement doing roof work in her neighboorhood on sunny days. Part two of the plot was more difficult as ways had to be devised to blunt the objections of the more extreme elements residing in the Democratic party without looking like they were. While talking out of both sides of your mouth is an elementary political skill, doing so while moving is reserved for the truly adept. The third problem they had to face was "Friendly Fire". Both Klain and Hogan had had long associations with VP Joe 'Gaffe" Biden and were skilled spinners as a result.

The plan was presented and all participants were warned that "The walls have ears!", as a result the rest of the presentation was conducted in absolute silence with sticky notes passed among the attendees to relay elements of the plan. This level of secrecy was maintained for the rest of the roll out effort by cleverly disquising meetings on internal documents and schedules by the use of pig latin. "Sotomayor" became "Roymotos" and was thus hidden from the spies that litter the White House seeking information of political importance. The Roymotos Ruse worked and everyone in America was clueless as to who the President might pick until the day it was announced! a clever plan indeed!

The plan detailed steps to be taken by POTUS himself and the rest of the roll out staff. Rule number one was that all of the nine candidates off the short list would be thoughly investigated to prevent another unseemly pick like Tiny Tim Gietner. This important task was given to the prestigious law firm of Duey, Rookem & Howe, longtime DC legal insiders that checked, cross checked and triple checked each candidates personal finances, taxes, medical history and ethics. Great care was taken not to look at any candidate's public posturing or off the cuff remarks when they were with friends, attending radical political meetings or just drinking heavily. The President aided in the deception plan by calling each member of the Senate Judicial Committee and asking them if they knew anyone who knew anyone who would be a shoo-in for the Supreme Court.

As the list shortened from 9 candidates to the final 4, a bracket system was devised and White House staffers began to lay bets on the eventual nominee. This alarmed the roll out team who feared that thier secret code had been broken and so they began a series of off site meetings to finish the interview process. After setting up a secret base camp under Cynthia Hogans dining room table concealed by a blanket, the merry crew continued thier work.

But a clever plan was not enough, clever timing was to be used as well. After kicking around some potential release dates, Klain, Hogan and the rest of the braintrust came up with a winner. Memorial Day was the perfect time to annouce as the US Congress would be out of session and there would be no competing news except the annual rehash of various and sundry Memorial Day ceremonies. The Prez could lay the wreath at the unknowns, grab a quick 18 holes and still have time to dazzle an adoring public with a pithy pick for the Supreme Court. All was well in ObamaLand.

The 25th of May rolled around and the plan went according to plan. Congress was out of session and it's members had returned home to conduct the annual Memorial Day Roll in Pork Fest. No one was thinking about anything other than a three day weekend and some bratworst on the grill when suddenly news erupted that the dastardly North Koreans had detonated a nuclear device and fired off a couple of missles for good measure. Undeterred, the roll out team rolled out the announcement to the excited cheers of the White House staff that had guessed right and won the office pool. Rockin' Barry O bloviated on about how great his pick was, how excited he was to send her to the charnel house over at the Senate Judiciary Committe and how a vote for the new media darling would add at least 25 points to his next popularity poll!