Signs of a Controlling Man: 9 Red Flags

Red Flag 5: He Murders Your Confidence

When a man starts out off the bat showering you with love and praise, it’s easy to feel even more confident than before. Unfortunately, when he starts picking you apart that confidence can sail right out the window and splatter all over the sidewalk.

After about 4-6 months with Abaddon our sex life begin to dwindle. It wasn’t long before we were only doing it once a month, if that. When we did have sex he acted as though he were doing me a favor. In fact, he’d hardly touch me at all, for any reason. I was convinced there was something wrong with me. That I was unattractive to him or that I was just undesirable in general. That, amongst other things, chipped away at the confidence I once had in myself.

Caution Flag: A good man wants you to feel good about yourself. Period. Any man that puts you down or tries to make you feel bad about yourself needs to go.

Red Flag 6: Oh Hello, Mr. Hyde

Does he flip back and forth between being cold and sweet? Are you miserable mostly, considering a break-up and then suddenly that amazing, loving guy is back making you believe that he’s still there somewhere? I used to believe that if I could stop fucking up and upsetting him, I’d get that guy back. For some reason, no matter how hard I tried or how “good” I was, he never came back.

Newsflash (Screw the caution flag): That guy is NOT coming back in fact, I hate to break it to you but he never existed. A controlling man is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once you see what’s underneath, that’s what you’re going to get.

Red Flag 7: Love Hurts

Has he put his hands on you? Be honest with yourself here. While he hadn’t outright punched me (yet), Abaddon would violently grab me, shove me, pull my hair and bruise me. One time, in front of my sister he shoved a chip with hot cheese into my mouth and burnt the shit out of it. I cried while he laughed and then got angry at me. Wtf??

Caution Flag: Any man that physically hurts you on purpose, is a man you should walk away from. This isn’t just a sign of a controlling man, it leaves the door open for physical abuse.The more you tolerate it, the more it will escalate.

Red Flag 8: Hey, You’re a Crazy Bitch…

I’m a pretty even keeled girl and I tend to dish out trust rather than forcing people to earn it. With Abaddon, I felt crazy. Just nuts. I was paranoid like he was off cheating every time he left the house. I checked up on him every chance I had. I’d never acted that way before.

Caution Flag:If he’s making you question your sanity like no one else ever has, this is a sign he’s controlling you without you even realizing it.

Red Flag 9: Excuse Me?

You know that friend who is always complaing about what a douche her boyfriend is but when you suggest she break up with him, she switches gears? You know, “Oh you just don’t know him like I do. He’s actually really sweet. He’s not that bad, I’m just having a bad day. Blah, blah, blahhhhh.”

Caution Flag: When you’re in deep you’ll defend the very person that’s making you miserable. Even worse, it’s more like you’re trying to convince yourself, rather than who you’re defending him to.

If I can help one woman realize that she’s dating a controlling man, or break free from one, then this was more than worth sharing.

Do these signs of a controlling man sound similar to what you’re going through or went through? Have you ever dated a control freak? How did you break free?

I thankfully have never had to deal with a controlling man in this way. I did date someone that was emotionally abusive and had me questioning my worth. Instead of telling me what to do, he’d guilt me. He was bipolar, so he very much did the hot/cold thing with me, and I felt if I could somehow just help him, things would be better. They never were. Eventually, you have to take a good, true look at what is going on with you and your relationship. If you’re upset, and you’re upset because of the way you’re being treated constantly, it’s time to move on. Much easier said than done, but with posts like this one, I think women will have an easier time recognizing the signs. I am glad you were able to see this for yourself, Chrystal, and that you’re willing to share your difficult experiences so that you may help others through theirs! Thank you for writing!

I was lucky to realize he’d never change and that I couldn’t change him. Fortunately, I was also smart enough to get far, faaaarrrr away from him after the break up so when he came “knocking on my door” two weeks later, telling me he loved me and missed me I couldn’t get weak and return to him. It’s such a dark hole and I’m so grateful I was able to get away and not repeat it.

OMG, why did he do that with the chip?! What was his excuse? Fun? Ugh!!!!!! While reading this article of yours, I felt sick in my stomach because I can relate and i would like, too, to tell all the girls who are currently dating this kind of monster to break free!!! My monster used to tell me to who I can and can not talk to, wanted to check my phone contacts and while we were dating I went out alone with my GIRL best friend only ONCE!!! But of course this one time, he kept calling and calling and calling and when I was fed up and told him “Hey would you mind letting us talk?!!! I am with her but I am talking more to you!”, he snapped and said “I am breaking up with you and I am coming right there to give you your things!!!” Fucking crazy asshole! He also wanted me to marry him and our relationship was only fucking 3 months old!!! Of course I was stupid enough to continue this shitty relationship and then one day, when I couldn’t take his shit anymore I told him that I can’t stand him anymore and that he is crazy and… guessed what… he slapped me! I never saw him again!!! I changed my phone number, blocked him on facebook, im and everywhere possible and wished him the worst. He will never find true love, or plain love, because he is totally mental. The only difference is that he was like a sex maniac, he wanted sex ALL THE TIME, and I think psychologically that meant that he didn’t want to be “away” from me, he wanted all of me, as much as he could. I feel sooo sorry for spending my time with this piece of shit and even though many years have passed I still feel disgusted when I think about that relationship. I can still remember the horror and terror when I was missing a call from him and going under interrogation and “You are cheating on me!” bullshit!!!!! Ugh!!! Now, I am with an amazing man, caring, loving and above all… cool!!! Girls, do not be afraid to leave them, you WILL find love, this is not love!

Victoria! I’m soooo proud of you for getting away from that and finding someone who is worthy of your heart.

He didn’t have an excuse for the chip, just that he was “joking.” He got mad that I started to cry, obviously because he knew he was an asshole for doing it.

As women I think we internalize everything like we are the reason they’re acting like this rather than see that this is the way they are, and they’ll never, ever change. They aren’t capable of real love, they have no clue what that even is. All they know is possession and destruction of another human being. That’s why in the book and in the article I call him Abaddon which in Greek means “Ruination, the Destroyer.”

Oh I didn’t know that and I am Greek, this is very interesting! Thank you for your kind words and I totally agree with you, they do not know what real love means. They only care about their ego. I am proud of you, too!!

Glad to hear you got out! I had called my ex crazy before, and he started yelling at me so when I tried to convince him to let me go back to my house he punched me in the face and used my hair to bang my head against a telephone post. It was all outside, and even though I saw people around none of them helped. I couldn’t go 5 minutes without texting that asshole, and god forbid I miss a call. I remember one time mentioning that I was feeling suicidal around him, and he told me to kill myself. He knew I had a history of anxiety and depression because he told me I was a crazy bitch, and that I needed to be in therapy and when I went he complained about me wasting my money on it. Ugh. The phone checking was so stupid and annoying. He didn’t actually want to get married, but he wanted children before he was 26 which would have meant that I would have had to be pregnant by 24. Eww. Thinking about him reproducing disgusts me because that means he would be trusted to take care of them.
Anyhow, I’m so glad to hear you have also found a loving relationship after the abuse.

I know that this article will help others and I’m so glad that you wrote it, though it breaks my heart that you had to go through this. It’s always painful to read about somebody experiencing something like this, more so when it’s a person you care about. I can’t imagine this kind of horror.

I am lucky to have never had to deal with more than minor head games. Guys that push away and then pull you back. I think we all have. I never once considered it an emotionally abusive relationship, it was just me being naive and allowing it. When push comes to shove people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. This is NOT to say that serious emotional, and physical abuse is to blame. I am just saying that for me, personally, those mind games people play when dating never once registered as abusive even though the other party knew what they were doing was hurting me.

I’m proud of you for speaking up and telling your story in more detail for our readers because you help people when you let yourself be vulnerable.

Thank you Jewels. It’s definitely important for me to be vulnerable with our readers because I want them to know I’m coming from a place where I’d love to help.

I’ve definitely played mind games and had them attempted to be played with me for sure. These men are just pros, I’ve seen it happen to others too and it’s just a complete dismantling you usually don’t see coming. Terrifying to think that I was barely a shadow of who I am now. But I am grateful for the experience because the rebuild is that much stronger.

Damn girl, NAILED it. Each and every one, minus the sex one, was Boy A. Holy shit. I just want to fucking run to you and hug you. I am sharing this with the world and I am so proud to have you be a part of this team. You are completely worthy of inspiring women in this world. Fuck. So many of these go by unnoticed and they happen in such disguise that we never know until we’re under. Boy A would push me against the wall and be like, “Why are you scared? I’ve never hit you, I’d never hit you.” Meanwhile it’d take weeks for the bruise to disappear. It’s such a mindfuck. And the rest of the world looks in and says, “What’s her problem? Why doesn’t she just LEAVE?”

Chiara that all means SO much to me you have no idea. I want to strip down in front of all our readers because like you–my past is just riddled with pain but I managed to take command of my life and decide that I’m not only going to be a total badass but I’m going to help others achieve the same.

The sex thing was just an example of the way he tore apart my confidence. I think it was because I’m a very sexual person and it was just one more way he could exhibit his control over me. “You’re a nympho and we’re going to fix that.” I’m sure if I’d felt mediocre about sex he would have forced it upon me. I guess I got lucky there.

I hate that you went through that especially before you were able to were essentially able to even know yourself. You were caught at a time when you believe nothing but the best in people, because you haven’t learned otherwise. Such a young age, I’m SO proud of you that you broke free. Hell I was a grown ass woman, it took me awhile to realize that because I’d never come across a guy like him before so there weren’t technical red flags yet, more like gray ones– all I had to do was paint them after and remember for next time.

Knowing you went through something like this makes me so sad, Chrystal. I, like Chiara, want to hug you. I think it’s amazing how you allow yourself to be so vulnerable with your writing and how you use it to help empower and uplift others. I am so lucky to know you! <3

What bothers me so much is when other people see this abuse and do nothing to stop it. I know a kind and sweet girl who is dating such a phony. He’s so mean to her and both of them share a mutual “best friend” who knows how mean he can be to her but makes excuses for him. It’s not right. Yet she goes on and on saying “he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her.” Other things he does? Flirts with other women right in front of her. Keep these articles coming maybe they’ll empower other women in situations like this.

Thank you Ashley! Yeah he was just a mean guy. My sister witnessing it was the worst part. She was just like, open-mouthed. I’m very glad it happened because I might have never discovered how truly badass I really am 😉

It sucks so much because I know that I didn’t listen to anything anyone told me. In fact I pushed everyone away that had a negative view on him– and I purposefully didn’t tell my mother a thing so she wouldn’t hate him too.

All you can do is love her and be there for her. Support her as much as you can as bad as you think he is. She’ll run away further if you are negative about him. So be there for her and she’ll open up, ask her questions so that she has to actually say the words out loud. If she’s with a guy like this, she needs you more than you realize.

Yes. If you give her space to talk, warmth, cuddles and just listening – completely avoid speaking about him in judgement yourself – she will admit to herself what he is. But if you tell her what he is, she will only defend him.

i had to call the sate on mine because she was drugged out and not taking care of my granddaughter. It took that to get her to leave her x.Now she wont speak to me and has an order on me.She was so angry that i was no longer going to support her behavior.I advise you cut her off completely .And if there’s kids involved call the state to check the home etc. If no kids you have to tell her to try consoling and be patient.I have walked away from my oldest child many times over the year.Each time she played victim and made me out to be crazy.We all must live and learn from our mistakes.Those around us can pray and step back when it becomes to much. Dedicate your time to a hobby or your work etc. Do not become your childs door mat.Also you are and never will be their friend.If you dont separate that it will cause a lot of friction.The child or young adult will act out even more.You must nbe a rock steady and unmovable.I am hapt to say my other 3 children ages 12 15 20 are wonderful kids who do not drink etc. I hope someday my oldest finds herself again. Until then i am not in her life no matter how hard things get.I will not do a thing to help her.She has to grow up and realize she was wrong .To top it off im now having health issues.I worry my oldest will not have the chance to say mom im sorry… Each decision we make is a choice we make as children and adults.You can be a good parent , but in the end they make their own mistakes.
good luck!

I’m SO glad you listened to your mom. I kept a lot of our relationship secret from my mother because I didn’t want her to see what was really going on. She only knew at the end. Mothers really do know best.

Dated a control freak before and I had to break up with him 3 times before it was actually over and he still didn’t immediately stop the behaviors. I blatantly told him about what he was doing and now he admits he was crazy but I’m not sure if he actually changed because I still see it in him.

The changes come so subtly and often times you are left feeling confused, angry at yourself and unstable. You question everything about yourself and pretty soon you find yourself trying to make it up to him. He will blame you for everything that is wrong with him, your relationship, his life, his faults – if this is familiar “I wouldn’t act like this if you didn’t do that” then get out now! I broke up with my controlling ex more times than I can count, the master of manipulation reeled me back in every time, he actually had me thinking that he was a kind soul and a good man for taking ME back!! The final straw came when he held me prisoner in my own home, took away all means of communication and spent the night screaming, pushing, shoving and interrogating me. I knew I had to end it for good. Now the stalking and intimidation has started. Ladies, I implore you, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it but you just know something’s not right – walk away. Immediately. You are not a “psycho bitch” for doing so. You are smart, strong and courageous.

“I wouldn’t act like this if you didn’t do that” Ahhhhh. Story of our relationship. I was SO convinced there was something wrong with ME when he was the sociopath. Good luck girl and I’m so glad you got away. <3

I am in this situation. Saying it’s difficult to get out of is an understatement. I’ve come close to leaving, well actually I have left, twice, but somehow am reeled back in. I have too much faith and compassion. It’s almost like I feel sorry for HIM. wtf?! Because I know he has been hurt and that’s why he is the way he is. Nevertheless, thats no excuse for his behaviour but it seems to be what pulls me back, its the guilt I feel at “abandoning” him. I am in so deep and just want out. I’m miserable almost all the time, except for the few “good” times, but even those are tinged with unhappiness, partly because I know how short-lived they are. The process of leaving is hard. I wish I could just wake up and be moved out and on my own. It’s the dividing of belongings, the packing of things, especially when his dog, who I love, watches me. No matter how much I try to remind myself of the reasons I need to leave, I can’t seem to take that final step. It’s like I’m waiting for something huge to happen to motivate me to just pick up and go. And believe me, there have been PLENTY of opportunities. I despise him when he’s drunk. He’s mean, arrogant, domineering, disrespectful. He breaks and ruins so much of my stuff. The way he acts and the things he says make me look at him and go “who ARE you?” I barely have a life of my own. Dont hang out with friends. Can’t wear what I want. He even got mad that I got a massage from a woman. AND he got mad when I got a pedicure! Why? Because there’s lesbians out there willing to take advantage of someone as “naive” as me. That’s what he said. Unbelievable. That’s just the tip of the ice berg. How, oh HOW, do I get myself out of this. It sounds so much easier than it actually is. I never would have thought it would be so difficult.

Jaqueline– My heart hurts so much for you, it really does, because I know exactly what you’re going through. Whenever other women tell me things like this, it truly feels like we were with the same guy.

You know you need to leave and you know you are miserable. It’s a matter of WHEN you will be sick of it and decide that you truly deserve happiness and that he is INCAPABLE of it. Yes, men like this are incapable of being happy, and the sadness and hurt he’s displaying isn’t real.

What does he do when you are sad and hurt? Does he feel guilty? Doubt it.

I know you’re waiting for “the perfect time” and “something huge” so you can justify pulling the trigger– but I promise you, it’s not worth waiting for. Your life is on hold and it needs to begin NOW. Without him. I can’t even begin to describe all the amazing things that have happened in my life since packing up and leaving him for good. You can do it, I know you can. Gather up every ounce of strength you have, muster up whatever bit of self-love is left, look at that girl in the mirror and tell her she deserves better. Then give it to her.

Feel free to email me, no one should have to deal with this bullshit on their own <3

My ten cents: Don’t wait for the “big thing” to happen that’ll shock you out of it. I made this mistake and my life is now wrecked as a result.

Yes, they are difficult people to get away from. They will persist for months until they catch you at a weak/blind/forgiving/altruistically forgetful moment and you let them back in. It is ALWAYS a mistake to do so – you may get a ‘loving’ grace period for a while but soon his old behaviours will return – and ALWAYS worse than before.

The only solution is to go NO CONTACT. Change your numbers and your email address – or at the very least block his calls and texts. Do not answer the door when he shows up. If possible, take precautions to make it appear as if you’re not home (lights off, etc). Yes, it’s a pain to live like this but they do eventually focus on new supply (a new victim) and give up on you. Never cave in. If he manages to get communication through, don’t read it. Don’t respond. No contact is a two way street – you must not let his weasel words into your life or you will be sucked back into his game.

your not alone i too have been there and many others male and female.mine left me about 7 weeks ago. After we had a big fight.He let me move back in.No he told me i moved myself back in.I then threw the remote at his precious tv. For years id tolerated his dumb addictions spending money on things fir himself and for my boys.But us girls my daughter and me took a back seat.Every time i spent money which was my money in anything i was a bad person. He is a typical good guy type who attaches himself quickly to one.The faster the attach themselves in the beginning the easier it is to control you.After all the put you on a pedestal giving you materialistic things usually combined with lots of affection. They wear the mask of the innocent sheep very well.When you finally see whats underneath your in to deep.So how do you walk away? How will you feel when you finally get him out of your life?AMAZING THATS HOW YOU’LL FEEL!!!!!ITS LIKE BEING BORN AGAIN.!!So walk away and be strong. You’ll be amazed of what life is like without a peter pan type man in it,

I completely understand. I feel the same way and the man I was with is exactly the same way as the one you just described. I don’t live with him but it is hard to stop myself from having anything to do with him. no one understands why I stick around if clearly he is bad news for me.

My relationship is this exact same way. I’ve been cheated on several times and once it was a 4 Month affair. He works in the oilfield So it’s easy for him to do it and get by with it. I have left him once which was a few months ago but he cried and begged and pleaded for me to come back so I did and he was a wonderful perfect husband For about a month and then he completely changed back to his old self except worse. I was so hurt over finding out about the affair that it shattered me so it was hard for me to just forget about everything and pretend that nothing happened so he decided that if I wasn’t going to just forget everything that he’d no longer try to make it work. He’s been threatening to leave me and tells me that if I don’t have sex with him he can get it somewhere else and that I know he’ll do it. I now think he’s talking to a girl that’s 18 or 19 that works down the road from my house because he looks her up on Facebook. Oh and he’s 26yrs old! I’m So wanting to leave and be able to not look back but we have 2 children together ages 2 and 6 and I’ll have to deal with him constantly. My fear is that I don’t want tl see him with any other woman even though I know he’s done it while we’re married. I’m so torn!

I can’t speak of children for my situation, but I’m sure they would want to see their mommy happy. Your husband seems to be doing the opposite of making you happy. It makes sense you not wanting to see him with another woman, but you deserve someone better. You deserve someone who only wants you and realizes that they don’t need any other romantic relationships. And you deserve someone who isn’t manipulative or threatening about sex! I hope you are able to figure out the best way to go about this and find your happiness.

This is so sad to hear. I know how difficult it can be to leave this kind of situation. Even if he has been hurt in the past it is no excuse to treat you in such a way. I had an ex much like this who was actually my neighbor when we were children, and I heard and saw the kind of problems he had. I thought for a long time that with his abuse and family life it made sense that he was how he was. Then I was in a Sociology course learning about abuse (holding back tears of shame because I felt as a Sociology major I shouldn’t be allowing myself to be treated how I was). My professor said abusers were more likely to have been abused, but that it wasn’t true that all or most abused people become abusers. This made me realize that I haven’t become abusive, and I was in the middle of an abusive relationship where I wasn’t “allowed” to end the relationship. When I tried breaking up he just flat out said no, that we weren’t breaking up, and I was partially worried for my family so I didn’t want to risk their safety. He pulled the same kind of thing about women. He thought I was in some lesbian relationship with my friend because we would make “sexual” jokes. I got out of it because he finally broke up with me because he wanted to drink again, and I specified I would break up with him if he ever started drinking again. He was bad enough without it. Even once we broke up he was still hanging around me a lot. Realize you deserve better, and that you can find someone so much better. I gave up hope a little bit after dating him thinking I would never be with a good guy again until I met my current boyfriend. Just make sure you’re careful about it if you leave. I changed my number and blocked my ex from my social media so he wouldn’t be able to talk me back. I wish you the best.

Thanks for sharing, such deep, difficult stuff in such plain language. The cheese-chip incident reminded me, 30 years later, of when my “boyfriend” once pulled my chair out from under me when I was about to sit down, at a party in a roomful of people. I was wearing a dress and I landed flat on my ass with him standing over me, laughing. No one in the room did anything about it (maybe they were too much in shock). I’m now in my 50s and I still feel the humiliation of that moment. That’s how strong the effects are, ladies. And that’s how important it is to know you’re not alone. Unfortunately my young-adult daughter is now in a relationship with a controller and it’s so difficult to witness. I’m doing what I can by reminding her of how worthy she is, that this is not her fault, etc. Your article will help her too, to know that she’s not alone, that she CAN and WILL terminate the relationship, and….that she’s a born badass!

I will never understand how someone can openly humiliate someone they claim to love. That is such an obvious sign right there. I’m sorry for your daughter but I really hope she doesn’t have to learn the hard way.

I’m here reading this because I still question if it was me or him that is crazy. I got out 2 years ago and I am still gun shy about getting involved. Still processing all the death by 1000 tiny cuts. I had friends warn me he was going to hit me. It didn’t get to that point but the emotional and mental toll was enough to keep me guessing for years. Thank you for spelling it all out in plain English. From here on he is one mean, sneaky, and rotten bastard.

Yes he is– but you shouldn’t punish yourself for how he treated you. The best thing I did was wear my heart on my sleeve when meeting new men. I kept an eye out for the signs/red flags of course but I knew that being afraid was allowing him to continue to control me. There was NO WAY I was going to let that happen.

Thank you. I left my soon to be ex husband a month ago. My daughter and I moved halfway across the country to get away from him. It doesn’t get better regardless if what they say….controllers do not change. They may ease up just enough to keep you from leaving but it never stops. I didn’t think it could happen to me because I was “tough”. They figure out quickly where you are the most vulnerable and use it. After the first big fight where your thinking what the hell is this even about….LEAVE. RUN. and never look back.

It seems if something works people will use it against u again & again, children will do it. True Controllers to me just seem like grown up spoiled brats – they half to get there way and there selfish & don’t have much of a real heart or real healthy emotions. – this coming from a life long psychology lover though!… But in understandable words – it’s great to stay completely away from someone you feel you just can’t live with in a way you want to! life sucks as it is already sometimes! Right? I hope u find someone u both know you can trust 100% and is a fun & like a best friend to u & your daughter first before anything 😉 aloha

Thanks for writing this article. I just broke up with my boyfriend of several months. Everything was great at first, he was extremely attentive and considerate, I knew I was the centre of his world and that was a nice, secure feeling and I had strong feelings for him too. There were subtle signs that he was the kind of person who liked to have his way, but they weren’t hugely impacting me, especially since I still had my own life and only saw him a few times a week. We had some inter-denominational differences (Catholic/Protestant – I am Protestant), and I showed openness to Catholicism, but overall was always struggling all the time with how we would work things out in the future because I loved my upbringing and faith too. I never made any promises. I knew I didn’t want to lose my identity, but I was trying to make connections and be open because I loved him. Over time, I realized he was not putting in the same effort at all and he was always negative about Protestantism and never seemed to want to have an open discussion but minimized everything to simply praying and trusting in God. I continued to express concerns over the last couple of weeks, and then we had a massive fight Sunday and everything became clear to me. I saw that my life would be hell in the future, and all of the other little things flew to the surface too that I had been noting (i.e. cheap, opinionated, not generous materially). I broke up with him on Tuesday, and he viciously attacked me (even though I just made it about my long-term happiness), and this only further confirmed I made the right decision and what his true colours were, and that my life would only get worse over time. I am a very strong woman, and I can concur with you Chrystal that the signs are not always clear, and love blinds for a time too. I will be more careful in the future for these signs, and will look for a very different kind of man in my life. One who is gentle, big-hearted, open, and who does not have a subtle, strategic way of getting what he wants that you realize over time is all about control/manipulation.

Please read!!! “Everyone” – every man is & wants to be controlling & dominant period!….. That’s a man & part of his desires –
“The deference in if he will use that desire for good or evil”, is based off of – how you react to – everything & how his parents acting – as his brain was starting to develop in early years & just starting to grow!!! Bottom line – learn to be extremely firm with men just like they are the wild child & you are the mother that is extremely strict & dishes out consequences! Also respect & clear communication & giving a lot of personal space is all things that need to be always involved to any working relationship! & learn how his parents were growing up! & how he felt about it. This will give you all a clearer image I would I guess of how is mind & caricature works in many different ways!! P.s. No one is flawless ever!… So just think about what’s safe & what you want out of your time each & everyday! A best friend of a man? Or something more like a jerk that keeps bugging you? What is it?

I just want to say I have been through this. A lot went wrong with my relationship and it sounds pretty much like this. He blamed me for everything that went wrong and when I finally left, he abonded everything and moved out of the state. It has been months now and he has told me he has changed but my head is so messed up from everything that has happened I don’t think I can ever go back. I was blinded by “love”. I was in the butterfly phase and couldnt seem to get out. I was abused and totally 100% mistreated and thats not what love is supposed to be. If you love yourself and the person that you are then you would not want that for yourself, you would have more respect for yourself. I am happy with myself, I take it one day at a time.

A couple of weeks ago I was in a dark period in my life, the man I love to bits had gone off with someone else, that was when I was told about this Esango Priest. Well he told me he could see that we would get back together that gave me hope, and he was right, because this week we have moved in with each other and we are so happy. A big thank you to Esango Priest. If you are in need of an angel please get in touch with my Esango Priest via email:esangopriest@gmail.com

This is going to be very long but bear with me.
I’m in this kind of relationship, but in our culture, this is acceptable. In my culture, a good husband is someone who’s a good provider, one who doesn’t cheat and physically hit his woman. The woman on the other hand must love, serve, protect, respect and must strive to make her husband’s happiness her priority the moment she says “I Do”. In our culture, the husband shall be my King, and I his queen. I embrace all of these, unfortunately, if your husband is emotionally insecure, he abuses his power as your king, and this changes the game.

My husband is a good provider, he comes home straight from work, he loves to spend time with me. I am his world. In the first 3 years of our marriage though, I was miserable. I didn’t know what was happening, he treated me like a stupid child who’s naive and ignorant. I felt like I entered a marriage as a confident and strong person, but he wanted to change that because he felt the need to control me, he love the idea of a confident and strong wife but in reality, it scared him. He’s scared of losing me, he’s scared of losing the person who makes him feel like a king. He needed to make me feel weak and dependent on him to gain leverage. I felt so lost and confuse, I was almost brainwashed. When I say something that displeases him, I was told that I don’t know what I’m talking about, when I tell him about how I feel, I was told that I don’t know what I want and he gets angry because I made him feel like he’s a bad guy, that he’s doing everything for me but he just can’t win and he’d rather end his life. When he has an opinion and I tried to make him see the other side of the story, he gets angry with me. He has the need to always be ” right”. He expresses his anger with me or anyone else even in front of our friends, I’d always end up apologizing for him. When he gets angry he breaks things and threaten suicide. I was always scared and confused. Before marriage, he told me that I can go back to work as long as I won’t neglect my duty as a wife. That changed to “you can’t get a job because that’s like telling everyone that I am not a good provider”. I felt isolated, I felt dead inside, no appreciation for life,and I functioned like a robot. He managed to kill the real me and replaced it with the new Me that pleases him. On our 4th year, I decided to save myself and start acting like a queen not a puppet. I can’t leave him coz I have no “valid” reason. My only choice was to learn the rules and play his game. This awoken my senses. I’ve escaped sexually abusive relatives, I’ve escaped a physically abusive mother, I’m not a victim, I’m a fighter, I’m a survivor. Game face on.

To win, I have to understand my opponent, I got into his head. See, my husband strives to be a good person, he just doesn’t understand that what he’s doing to me is not right because in his mind he firmly believes that what he’s doing is what’s best for me, for us, for his family. He’ll never change because for him, there’s nothing to change. Well, Your Highness, that’s not what the queen thinks.

So, I started prepping myself, this is a very taxing battle, I needed to build my self confidence first, I needed to gain mental strength. I can’t open up to anyone coz as I said his behavior is acceptable in our society. I started talking to myself, giving myself pep talks. No more self doubts and putting myself down. I am not stupid, he just wants to make me feel stupid coz he knows how I can be smarter than him. I am not weak, he just wanted to make me feel that coz he can’t rule a strong and confident woman. It’s hard to put a strong and confident woman in her place. Between me and him, he has more to lose. I’m not afraid to lose a big house, I’m not afraid to be poor, I’m skillful and resourceful, I’m not afraid of hard work. Also, he knows I’m financially smart, I have my own bank accounts and investment. He just hope that I’d be greedy enough to not leave him and his money. Seriously, what would I do with too much money? Really, I have nothing to lose. I love him but I love myself too. I showed him this by leaving without a goodbye. I left with just 1 small bag. I neglected his calls for fews days, this shattered him to the core. When I finally decided to talk to him, I told him why I left, and he told me everything that I expected him to say. I returned to him not because I believe he will change, I returned because I know I can win and because I understand that he’s not really a bad person, he just needs to be dealt with. I now know his moves and thought process. I’ve anticipated the worst and have plans for counter attack. I know he’ll try to up the ante. He’s now back to finding out my weakness. He’ll wait for me to open up about my feelings and emotions. This time he’ll listen, he’ll care because he now have something that he can use against me. So, I don’t show him any weakness. I continue to show him love and respect, I still make him believe that he’s my top priority, I continue to make him feel good because these are the things that hae’s so scared to lose.
I continue to make him feel like a King. He who has more to lose is the loser. If he cheats and leave me then goodbye my lover, hello freedom!!!.
He now treats me right. When he has an opinion I don’t share my real thoughts, I just agree with him. Sometimes, I provide supporting statements to his opinion to make him feel great and also to let him know that I’m well informed. I don’t tell him if I feel fat or if I feel stupid. One time, he asked me about my opinion why women with kids don’t leave their physically abusive husbands, and I know that he’s fishing for a weakness, he needs to know if by having kids means leverage. I told him that some women just don’t have a choice, but I do. That if we have a kid and he physically abuses me, then I’ll do everything in my power to protect that kid from him. I told him about the law and my various options if that ever happens. It’s my way of telling him that I’m well informed buddy, and if you think you can use my kid against me, then you better think really hard. I’m not worried though, we have very little chance of having a kid, he has a problem, but I let him tell everyone that it’s me. I’m cool with that, I’m not insecure so I’m good. I can tell that my answer disappoints him but he tried to hide it. He doesn’t like that I’m very knowledgeable. I continue to arm myself with knowledge, I read a lot. Knowledge truly is power.

It’s now easy for me to detect and prevent his outburst especially in public. He gets angry at waiters, servers, drivers, and at times, I just let him but I don’t apologize for him anymore. I just watch and remain calm. He would want me to justify his actions, he feels bad about it and he wants me to tell him and everybody that it’s not his fault. I don’t do that anymore, I can see his desperation, he’d talk non-stop and all I do is smile and gently tell him to just let it go, it already happened. He now knows he’s being really bad. He’s lost and he’d cry to me, but I just hug him and let him cry but I don’t soothe him by justifying his actions. He’s being bad and he has to accept it and stop putting the blame on others. In a way he’s now like a little boy.

He has changed. Now he’s doubling his effort to show me love and respect. Presents everyday. I’d reward him with love and appreciation. This doesn’t mean though that I can let my guards down. Showing weakness would trigger him to be on controlling mode. I enjoy and appreciate the change but I don’t get comfortable. I continue to be vigilant and think 10 steps ahead. There’s no rest for the wicked.

What I want to say is, women hold the true power. Also, you are your only hero so train yourself good. Never put yourself down, build yourself up coz no one’s gonna do it for you, and again, knowledge is power. I don’t think of myself as a victim coz I don’t wanna wallow in self pity. Self pity is dangerous. And if you want to leave, then leave but never say goodbye. Never even give a hint. Just drop the bomb and cut all contacts. It’s like escaping a prison, you need careful planning, patience and discretion. Cut all contacts because he can’t manipulate you if he can’t reach you. And if you decide to return, return only if you’re 100% sure that you can face the battle and win, also if you’re ok with the idea that you’ll spend the rest of your life managing him without letting your guards down. If you’re not sure then never return. Run and never look back.

Wow, Alexandra, I’m surprised that no one has responded to your well written post. You are obviously very smart, and deep down are aware of your self worth. Good for you, sister!! We have to be our own best friend first. You ROCK!

I am pretty young. But It quite resembles my personality, I need help, it’s so hard to change. But you are right, I fell in love with the girl who was strong only because she helped me suppressed all my bad side, it brought out my happy side. I was in “love” with a weak girl, and I ended up abusing her just like the article describes because I wanted her to fight me back, argue back at me, but she used to just start crying. I need help if there is any or I just need to meet strong girls.

Women are responsible for keeping you from being abusive? And if you are abusive, it’s their fault for being weak? No, you don’t need to meet ‘strong girls’. You need to stay the hell away from women. All this ‘women are responsible for my feelings and actions, they need to be a good enough person to stop me being abusive, otherwise it’s all their fault. I have no integrity and no moral compass, so there’s no way I can be responsible for my own behavior, feelings and actions’ bullshit you’re spewing is pretty much the no.1 attitude of an abuser. That’s why you’re abusive. Because that’s who you are. It’s not the women’s fault. It’s all, 100% on you.

So I am torn whether or not I’m in a bad relationship. We fell really fast for each other. Things were amazing. He is so handsome and I never thought someone like him would even give me a second look. As things progressed I started to see how angry he was. Early on he punched a picture and was bleeding and there was glass everywhere. Then whenever we would fit he would hit something. His car has so many ruined things. So does his room. He shared that he is depressed, bi polar, and has anxiety. Then he told me he could be verbally abusive. But no matter what i just wanted to be with him. He says things to me that hurt like calling me a moron, idiot, and retarded. He will yell in my face telling me I don’t ever listen. Which I do i just have a hard time remembering all his rules. There are times when I can call him. Times i cant. Times to pry and times to leave him alone. Then he would just ignore me with no explanation causing me to go crazy. I’ve missed work because I’ve had to go to his house to get him to talk to me. Then we will play wrestle but he hits me SO hard. I usually always bruise. It’s gotten to the point that when he makes sudden movements I will flinch. Which he finds funny. In an argument he did say he wanted to knock me out or that I need to get my ass beat. He never did touch me though. The most during anger he has just grabbed me. We only dated for four months but during that time I only saw my friends once by myself. He hated all of them. I had to stop contact with any male friend. And he “didn’t trust me” to go out with the girls. However he was at the bar every evening playing pool and drinking without me. And I wasn’t allowed to ask any questions. He told me I had to keep my hair this color. And if I lost any weight he would leave me. He wouldn’t want me to get ready but he would. Almost as if he wanted to make sure no one would give me a second look. If anyone talked to me at a bar I would get in so much trouble and he would leave. Now I just have surgery and he texted me the next day saying he was done and that I was not wife material. I’m heart broken. So much if me knows I need to let him go. But now I feel like I have no confidence. I have no friends. And I keep begging him to see me one more time. Which he wont. What do I do? How do I get over this and get back to myself? I’m hurt and depressed and I just want happiness again.

Oh and also he “never had money” so I went into debt paying for EVERYTHING and rarely got a thank you. The only way I can get him to see me is if I tell him I’ll take him to dinner or to buy drinks. When he does get money he saves it just for himself. Now that I wrote a this I see how pathetic and embarrassing it is that I even waste my time…

I used to be this guy when i was drinking. Its an insecurity. I don’t drink anymore but the feelings still exist. Jealousy,suspicion, all that good stuff. I actually hate feeling this way. I am in a relationship now. When these feelings come up i just process them instead of acting on them and feeding the monster. Im sure she can see the torment in my face sometimes. I usually sulk privately. Ive learned that i have no right to push my issues on somebody else. The person who taught me this was a girl who broke my heart. I really loved her but i lost her due to my controlling behaviors. Im actually still ashamed of my behavior to this day while dating her. Its been 5 years. So ladies, a crushing blow can do the trick. Don’t be afraid to leave. Its for the best.

I googled this because the guy I’m am dating for a 2 months is trying to tell me things that are wrong with me. You goissp about this person too much but then he will talk about the same person. If I point out the double standared it’s my fault. He can say a name and i’m overreacting. Talk about defensive. I’m out. 2 months is not a high price to pay. My first husband hit me. Never again. I told him it is so simple. You don’t like being around me, their is the door. He informed me someone has to listen to me talk. How sweet. Ass hat. Get rid of them this early and move on.

I knew what good felt like before the relationship and clung to that memory like a baby monkey to its mammas chest. I was best friends with the distress line in my area. My reality mattered more than his, that is how I got out. Also I actually thank the relationship for waking me up to other abusive patterns in my life that got me into that relationship in the first place. I got a counsellor, I trusted my instinct, and only talked to people who believe me. I called the cops when he stole from me, I knew he was controlling from the beginning there were red flags. He followed me places. In the end I mimicked his controlling behaviour to make him see it from another perspective and I laid it on thickly need trying to appease him. I called children’s services on him also, the degree of trust i have in my own instincts has quadrupled as well. He was an abusive alcoholic personality with so much charm and charisma. I don’t blame myself for falling, however I did see that his emotions were entirely shallow and that was the nagging feeling I had inside me the whole time that something was not right. I gained weight so he would lose interest in me quicker…things that were all but assertive. In the end, I made myself too heavy a burden for him to carry. I had to act truly nuts. I became a wild lady to make him back off more and more. I didn’t care what his friends thought of me I would just say my piece. Controlling men hate strong mouthy women as they like to call it. I totally knew what would deter him, I just thought about all the things my controlling dad says and thinks about women. It was that easy. Controlling men are not sexy…I have to remind myself that day in and day out forever. Life is sexy…self control is sexy.
I am lucky to have gotten away from this one.

he also…tried to tell people i had problems. I know what its like to come from abuse and to be needless and wantless. This is a strong indication, if the person cannot meet their own needs, they may deny that they have any or keep their agenda from you. Growing up with controlling men, I am accustomed to the controlling behaviours and learned how to survive around them. My big mistake was having the attitude that I could handle this abusive relationship because I know how to handle abusers. I was so dysfunctional…I tried to change myself to fit the abuse, and actually tried to see if it felt good to me. It didn’t feel good. Yay I’m a healthy normal human being that doesn’t like abuse! So today I am trying to convince police that I’m not harassing him, but trying to repulse and repel him by acting like a clingy person with no life, so he will feel no need to control me, and it literally killed everything off like raid.
I know it took a lot of energy for me to get out of this, and I used so many passive aggressive tactics, but it was not about feelings anymore, but survival. This guy’s family was just as abusive. IF THE FAMILY IS ABUSIVE, THE APPLE DONT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE. not saying everyone from an abusive family is a jerlrk…just watch and observe. this guys cousin sexually assaulted me on three different occasions and I reported him to the police. Things I did literally halted this guy in his tracks. The irony is, that I did it all because i love him. I know that might come off all weak, but seriously someone told me the stuff i didn’t want to hear and i remember them always. One day if ever, he is better or more normal, maybe he will remember how someone actually called the cops and children’s services on him. I doubt more and more that the day that happens will come. It sure helped me move on though.
Sexual abuse, violence, lies, substance abuse…all these things can’t be signs of a healthy integrated person.
Love yourself and move forward because those things will drain every last breath out of you. Women are strong for a reason…to walk away from things like this.