Complete rewrite of first poem "Becoming Transparent"

My current "Becoming Transparent" poem is long and reads like a prose poem. I wanted impact. So completely rewrote it..I looked up Anna's actual words from the letter she gave us...and it seemed perfect for another pantoum: What do you think of this? First poem, to intro the series:

revision 4/13/2016: Tenses! I changed them all back this afternoon, from what I told you earlier today.....first line is past tense. (consistency!)

Becoming Transparent (A pantoum)

We were gathered in the family roomthe day our son told us,I’ve got an announcement that’s a long time coming,”handing us a letter in an envelope

the day our son told uswe read silently, he watched anxiously,handing us a letter in an envelope.“I'm transgender, I identify as a woman.”

We read silently, he watched anxiously.“Going forward I will finally live openly and fully as a woman.”“I'm transgender, I identify as a woman.”We felt time-stopped shock, at the word woman

“Going forward I will finally live openly and fully as a woman.”“After years of turmoil and questioning, I finally feel right.”We felt time-stopped shock, at the word woman."I’ve begun to understand myself and discovered what makes me happy."

“After years of turmoil and questioning, I finally feel right.”"I’ve got an announcement that’s a long time coming”"I’ve begun to understand myself and discovered what makes me happy."We were gathered in the family room.