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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Disturbing Dream

I had a dream the other night that has haunted me ever since, causing me to have trouble falling asleep in contemplation and interpretation of the dream. It bothered me so, that I debated whether to write about it or not. So enter my dreamworld at your own risk...

In the dream I was taking a "Scope" class...literally. We spent our class time looking through microscopes, periscopes, telescopes, orthoscopes, and probably looking at horoscopes and listening to stethoscopes were on the syllabus too.

In my dream, I was attending one of my "Scope" classes which happened to be held at the mall, not sure why, maybe we were supposed to "scope" out good deals while we were there. We had a choice on whether to go to one classroom and view a comet through a telescope or witness the anatomy and physiological process of a miscarriage. I gravitated towards the microscope room with my heart filled determination, as I am a life long learner, and maybe what I would see would help me figure out how to prevent miscarriages in the future. I wanted a "cure".

As I went into the microscope classroom, which thinking back it should have been an orthoscopic type viewing, so I think it's ironic that this tragic event would be viewed under a microscope when in reality, it's often something considered taboo to discuss. I was the only one in the class, the professor motioned me forward to view the slide and I approached the microscope viewer and peered in. There I saw a little bean shaped human, much like I had seen in my own early ultrasounds and a flittering object I could only assume was the heart. I smiled at the professor knowing that this little human "bean" was just fine, but he motioned me to look on. As I watched, I realized things were going south, not quite sure how and I predicted the horror I was about to witness. I ran from the room in fear, sorrow, anxiety, panic, and maybe even disgust and ran straight to the room where most of my classmates were staring with wonder and amazement at the comet they saw using the telescope. I waited nervously, thinking back on the other classroom, and fearing what was going on while I waited to see a wonder of the universe that always brought pleasure, never heartache.

When my turn finally came, I stared into the telescope and was disappointed with what I saw. There in front of me in the night sky, was a poorly, pixelated, stretched out version of a comet clipart. I looked back at the people congregating outside of the classroom and wondered what they viewed that was so awesome to them, it was a sham to me. I left frustrated and dared to return to the other room out of curiosity, the room was empty.

I woke up from that dream in a cold sweat, feeling guilty for leaving that little embryo to die alone, guilty for wanting to watch in the first place, guilty for not sticking around to try to learn something so I could save the world from miscarriages. But most of all I questioned my choices, my choice to choose the microscope room first, then to flee, then to return if only to ogle.

After pining over this dream for a couple of nights, I had some interesting thoughts.

As I stated, most of the class was looking through the telescope at something that amazed them and essentially made them happy, no one wanted to look through the microscope and witness a tragedy to human nature. The same is true with most things, we can talk about the wonders of the world and our universe, but when it comes to tragedies, no matter how small, if we can't fix them before they happen, there is a tendency to avoid them all together, not so much true for the sufferer, but those unaffected tend to move forward or even away.

In the dream, I was all excited to see the microscope slide and was lost in the possibilities that it might provide me, that I might provide to the world. But when my brain wrapped around the solemn circumstances about to unfold, I turned away, my perseverance wavered, well down fell out from under me and I didn't want to be anywhere but in the awesome light of the comet. Whether it was that I didn't want to experience the "demise" (as my OB so eloquently put it) of another human in my life or that I didn't want to experience someone else's pain when I had so much pain piled on my shoulders already.

The truth is, not many of us would have chosen to look through that microscope, but there are doctors, med students, and professionals that do, to observe, to learn, to try to prevent. I guess that's not my lot in life and I am ok with it.

I realized that I am like the ironic microscope, I can shed light on these tragedies that effect women by the minute, shine a light for them to see and know that they are not in the darkness of grief alone, and shine a light on those professionals trying to make a difference trying to prevent these horrific ends. Anyone can look through the telescope to see the beauty of the universe, but looking at beauty all of the time can make your view "pixelated", out dated, unclear, guarded, out of focus.

I am proud of my fellow "microscopes", whatever their cause. They shine lights on their causes and through their pain and their passion, they strive to learn, grow, raise funds and awareness, support, and make a difference in the lives of those who are affected.

As for my dream and what it means to me, I might not want to delve into the big, bad and ugly, but I also don't want to spend my life pretending it's not there. Pieces of my heart, soul, and mind will always fight for the cause, advocate, educate, and fund organizations that support families with CHARGE, families who have lost children to CHARGE, or organizations that promote awareness and support for Baby Loss and Baby Loss families. I will continue to use my own "scope" to view the world around me, the "things" that matter, the people who count, and the love and lives that make the world looking at in the first place.