Tiger Woods and Me

TIGER WOODS and Me!

By Taylor Jones

In an effort to boost my finances and exposure in these troubled economic times, I am hereby officially linking myself romantically to Tiger Woods. Never mind that I am a 57-year-old male cartoonist who has never played real golf and is clobbered by his own children at mini-golf. But that's my day job. By night I am transformed, via blonde wig, stilettos, a model-thin physique, creamy skin and luscious eyes, into a siren of the 19th hole!

So, I'm waiting, TMZ! And here's your headline: COUGAR MAULS TIGER.

But, hey — I'm joking! Really! None of this is true. Not the wig or the stilettos. Not the earlier rumors linking me to golf legend John Daly — though, had it been true, he could have claimed the excuse of inebriation at the time. I don't even like the game, and think golf courses are a monumental waste of the earth's resources. I'll bet Al Gore doesn't play golf. However, when I was a kid, my neighborhood chums and I used to imagine ourselves sneaking onto golf courses early in the morning and turning them into pretend battlefields for our World War II reenactments. But we never had the courage to pull it off. Too bad — those sand traps at the Cherry Valley Country Club could have been our El Alamein!

Truth is, I have a touch of sympathy for Mr. Woods. As my wife likes to point out, everyone needs to go through, as she terms it, a ****head stage, especially guys, on their way to a semblance of maturity. But Tiger Woods has been swinging a golf club in front of the cameras since he was 3-years-old. The man has grown up as a sports and corporate endorsement phenom. He attended Stanford University for two years rather than immediately turn pro at 18. He was held up as the portrait of propriety and sobriety, a role-model for young athletes the world over. And, always, Tiger made a public display of his devotion to his hard-driving dad and adoring mom.

Tiger Woods never had the chance to be the typical American jackass during his formative years. And, as my wife cautions, the longer that urge is held back, the greater the collateral damage!

Wherever Tiger Woods is right now, whether huddled with his attorneys and publicist, pleading for continued fealty from his sponsors, or sailing on his yacht with Elin to Sweden, in hopes of patching up his shattered family life, he can still dream of a life after his ****head stage has passed. He can achieve one of the noblest feats in all human drama: The Great American Comeback!

Taylor Jones is a cartoonist and caricaturist based on Staten Island, N.Y., where he spends his free time fidgeting, breeding North American giant silk moths, vacuuming water out of his basement, and pretending to be a good dad.