SCALIA: As Long as Gay People Are Corporations, They Can Get Married

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the nation readies itself for the Supreme Court of the United States of America taking up the case of marriage equality for all — namely protecting the right to marry for all consenting adults, regardless of sexual orientation, many on the left side of the political spectrum are worried that the high court’s slim, one-vote majority might lead it to rule in a way that undo the progress the LGBT equality movement has made in the last decade and a half. In that time, gay marriage has gone from a virtual non-starter politically to having been established and recognized in 36 states and the nation’s capital, much to the outrage and chagrin of social conservatives. To many evangelical Christians on the right, Christ’s teachings of universal love for all wasn’t to be taken literally.

If angst-ridden liberals are looking for some kind hint as to how the Supreme Court might rule, they will surely look to one of its loudest and most proud conservatives, Justice Antonin Scalia. The court’s most stalwart defender of tradition over such un-American principles as “The Golden Rule” and “being nice to one another,” Scalia is presumed to be a vote in the column for pushing LGBT equality back a decade or twelve. However, at a recent breakfast hosted by The Order of the Pigment-Free Elite (OPFE as it’s known on the Hill), Scalia may have tipped his hand, and you might be surprised in what direction.

“I think that gay people should completely feel free to marry whomever they want,” said Justice Scalia between bites of cheese blintzes and scrambled eggs. The normally very conservative OPFE membership in attendance seemed to be taken aback by Justice Scalia’s seeming endorsement of letting two consenting adults fall in love with and commit to each other if they want to. Justice Scalia quickly clarified, “Now, I’m speaking here in terms of what we traditionally consider ‘people’ these days — corporations.”

At the mention of their favorite C-word, the assembled OPFE audience ripped open into thunderous applause, to which Scalia gave the customary conservative “Money! Profit! Free Market!” salute. Scalia then quieted the crowd back down so he could both finish his biscuits and gravy and continue his speech. “Of course Corporate People should be allowed to do what ever they want. There would be no America, nay no humanity without corporations. So without any doubt in my mind, I endorse giving Corporate Peoples every single freedom they so choose to express.”

“As to actual, biological humans,” Scalia went on, stopping only to swallow a few links of sausage or strips of bacon he’d chew on while speaking, “there is absolutely, positively, nothing in the Constitution that expressly says gays can marry, so clearly it’s a state’s rights issue, and like slavery should be handled whenever the forces of repression — excuse me — traditional values, feel like not feeling icky about butt sex.” After chugging down two mimosas, Scalia reminded his audience that, “It’s ‘Adam and Eve,’ not ‘Adam and whomever he feels like entering into a fully-committed, loving relationship with because we all know that there’s no valid, logical explanation to care who fucks who,’ and I have it on good authority that at least 43% of the signers of the Declaration of Independence thought the same exact way.”

“Look, we have as of late made a real effort to expand liberty and justice to a set of people who so very clearly need it,” Scalia said while washing down a stack of silver dollar pancakes with Ovaltine, “Corporate Americans. They were so very under-represented and couldn’t ever get their voice heard in our government. I feel like we need to keep pushing that way, and let the uppity gays convince bigots — excuse me, defenders of tradition — to vote their right to be full-fledged humans into existence, like they’ve never shown any indication of wanting to do yet.”

It’s unclear at this point whether Scalia knew he was being recorded, or which century he was born and lives in. It’s also unclear if Scalia will include any of his remarks from the OPFE breakfast in any opinion he writes. The Supreme Court is set to hear an appeal of the 6th circuit decision to uphold gay marriage bans in four states this April, with an expected decision sometime this summer.