Finding Comfort and Safety as a Gay Traveler

Nearly every same-sex couple has experienced that awkward moment on vacation. It usually comes at hotel check-in, when you find yourself on the receiving end of a quizzical or disapproving look as you explain that yes, you did intend to book just one bed for you and your “friend.”

When my partner, Brett, and I visited Jamaica several years ago, we hadn’t even gotten to the check-in point at the all-inclusive Royal Decameron Club Caribbean in Runaway Bay, when things became uncomfortable. “What about your bag?” a porter asked me in a way that didn’t sound exactly helpful after he’d pulled our single suitcase out of a van we’d taken from the airport and placed it at Brett’s feet. “I just have this,” I said, referring to my backpack and feeling my neck hairs tingle; this is Potentially Unsafe Territory, my sensors seemed to say.

I tried to shake it off, as does anyone who identifies with a letter in the increasingly long string that today, by some accounts, reads LGBTQI2-S (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, or Two-Spirit). But it got worse. During our stay at the resort, set on a pristine, white beach approaching clear, sky-blue water, staff members openly mocked us. One employee who bummed a cigarette from Brett then said “thanks,” followed by a local pejorative term for a homosexual person. Dealing with fellow guests who are homophobic is sadly part of the deal of being gay, but when the staff is menacing (in another bizarre moment, one guy sneaked up behind us and barked like a dog, trying to scare us), you naturally feel unsafe. We ended up leaving a few days early, spending money we really couldn’t afford to change our flights.

“We are not gay-friendly because our hotel is a family resort,” the sales director of the Royal Decameron, Angelica Daza, said when I called recently. “Don’t take that response as if we discriminate,” she quickly added. “We don’t discriminate against gays.” Still, when I told her about my experience there and asked if employees were expected to treat every guest equally, she was blunt once again, saying she cannot control how the staff might feel. “Everybody is free to express what they think,” she said. Well, they certainly did so on my vacation.

When we returned to New York after that trip, we kissed the ground at Kennedy Airport, and then did some research, discovering how much worse it could have been. Type “Jamaica gay murder” into a search engine and plenty of hits will lead you to miserable stories. We found one in Time magazine, asking if Jamaica is “The Most Homophobic Place on Earth?,” another about the 2004 murder of Brian Williamson, a gay activist, and yet another about the 2005 murder of Steve Harvey, another activist.

Now, I had known that Jamaica was not the most tolerant place in the world, but when planning that visit we somehow allowed that fact to slip by us, which is easy to do if you live in the cocoon of a city like New York, on the opposite end of the tolerance spectrum, and if you suffer from wanderlust. Still, there are scores of countries around the world where homosexuality is considered illegal, and it is even punishable by death in some of them.

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CreditJason Logan

Over the past few weeks I’ve talked to several experts about safety for the L.G.B.T. traveler, and how making vacation plans is a different process for this varied demographic. Some people simply won’t go to places that are known to be homophobic. Others feel that they deserve to go wherever they want, and perhaps even feel empowered by refusing to stay away. I can see both points of view, and where you travel ultimately depends on what kind of experience you want to have. There is no way to guarantee absolute safety on any vacation (regardless of your sexuality, to be fair), but there are a few things worth keeping in mind for gay and lesbian travelers.

HOW GAY DO YOU WANT YOUR VACATION TO BE? “For someone who lives in a more conservative environment, somewhere in the Midwest, say, they may want to immerse themselves in some kind of gay party weekend or Pride,” said Kelsy Chauvin, a freelance travel writer with expertise in gay and lesbian travel. “If you really want to be a safe gay traveler, you probably go where there is going to be a ton of gay people.” This is certainly one option, and for some it can be the most relaxing way to go: It may not be immediately obvious, but there’s an energy expense involved in staying closeted, or, as Brett likes to say, “keeping the flame on low.” Opting for full immersion and surrounding yourself with gays, lesbians or whomever you relate to best means you don’t have to worry about assimilation or possible discrimination.

This type of immersion is the reason the gay cruise industry started, in fact. RSVP Vacations, which began doing full ship charters in the 1980s, was the brainchild of a gay man named Kevin J. Mossier who wanted to create a safe experience for gay and lesbian travelers. Cruises sponsored by RSVP Vacations or the slightly younger Atlantis Events provide an opportunity for thousands of homosexuals to get together and be as outrageously, unapologetically gay as they wish — to keep the flame on as high as they like, you might say.

SLEEP IN COMFORT. This is your vacation, so the last thing you want to do is lie awake at night feeling unwanted, or even afraid, in your hotel room. If you’re not going to a place that is obviously welcoming (and of course this could include a business trip or family event when the location itself is not perhaps your first choice), try to find a spot that is gay-friendly or even gay-owned. There are resources like Purple Roofs, owned by J. Scott Coatsworth and Mark Guzman, which is a great tool for finding gay- and lesbian-friendly accommodations all over the world. You’ll be able to find a room in unexpected spots, too, in cities not necessarily known for being especially gay-friendly, like the Lattice Inn in Montgomery, Ala., for example. Another resource is the TAG-approved list of hotels, searchable online; the TAG-approved certification, owned by Community Marketing, is an important identification mark for L.G.B.T.-friendly hotels and other businesses.

Your research is going to help you make informed choices, but personal preference and comfort are really the most important factors here. The world is gradually becoming more and more welcoming to L.G.B.T. people, and there is an increasing number of safe places to go and cities that actively market to the community — cities, some say, that deserve your money more than others. A few of the experts I’ve spoken to point out that when you choose a destination, you are, in a sense, giving that place a gift. “If you’re going to go to a warm destination, why not go to Argentina?” Mr. Rounds said. “We have full equality in Argentina or Uruguay. How do we really make the effort to say ‘Who wants us?’ and then spend our money there? And more important, once you get there, let them know ‘You know what, we’re here because it’s a safe destination and you’ve done a great job supporting my own community.’ I think we see too little of that and I’m hoping that will change.”

For my part, I’m doing my Argentina research right now.

A version of this article appears in print on , on Page TR5 of the New York edition with the headline: Homework to Find a Sense of Comfort. Order Reprints | Today’s Paper | Subscribe