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Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 7663

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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Wife (58, fit and very attractive) has recently reconnected

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Wife (58, fit and very attractive) has recently reconnected with college male friend (also 58 or so), who always had a platonic relationship with her. they have not crossed paths in 30 years. We are in Virginia and friend is in Ca. - they have only emailed, phoned, and txt'ed so far, for about 2 months. they speak on the phone for an hour or so a day, plus txt alot.Wife has obsessive personality and frequently latches onto things for months at a time, and this seems like one of those times (does not drink, gamble, use drugs or other obsessive things like that) She previously had an affair 20 years ago, none since until possibly now. Wife is guarded about her txt's and seeks privacy for the phone calls. She does share what they talk about, and tells stories about him being happily married and relates what he is often up to with his wife. Friend is coming to town for a few weeks to talk to wife about a business opportunity - wife is seeking to get my OK for private time with friend, She is a professional manager and I know the business part of the meeting is truthful; she says this is the same as her business trips out of town when she was working, and logically, she is correct.Our sex life is good and she is quite loving after - we do not fight, and we do not find fault or tear each other down......how worried should I be? in many ways she is acting like she did with the affair 20 years ago, but then we were not having good sex and there was a lot of anger all the time.....that isn't true now, or if it is she is hiding it well....

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Dear friend,

Your wife seems to be a difficult and manipulative person in some ways. This may account for her business success, and may indicate an underlying condition or narcissism. Narcissists need to be admired, especially as they age. They are also very good at conning others by telling them, quite convincingly, tales that are not true.

You caught your wife cheating 20 years ago, or she admitted it to you. This may be a long term pattern. Her obsessive behavior, latching on to "things" may also have been part of a cover-up for affairs that were tangentially and convincingly related to the "things" about which she obsessed.

Some researchers believe that OCD involving sex may be the same as nymphomania in some cases. I don't know the answers, but I am telling you what is known and talked about.

In my estimation, if your senses tell you that there is an affair brewing (and with all of the secrecy and intimate conversation I say that there probably is), and with this impending business deal with lots of private time spent together, then it seems likely that you should be expecting this to happen.

You have basically three options:

-confront her and try to head it off before it happens; from what you say, this will not work and might help her "justify" her actions and make YOU responsible for them; (You drove her too it by your suspicious mind.)

-ignore it and suffer in sllence (if you can) and suffer months or years of consequences in your relationship

-take it as a deal-breaker and move on with your life without her

If she is a narcissist, and I believe that she might be, she will never level with you or be honest with you unless you have the "Polaroids" to prove it. Then you will still be blamed.

This is a hard time for you.. It is time to worry, or to take action. I wish you strength, courage, and wisdom.

I am going to hit the accept answer button with this reply so I don't know if you will get it or not. Thank you for the quick response, and you are right on with the manipulation of others by skillfully using "tales" which are not quite or even remotely true. I see her do it with others and I know she does it with me. Interestingly, her affair in the past was my fault, she never really admitted to be much at fault at all, and in when questioned regarding the need for private time now, she responded with a blast of anger and deflection, much like previously when when she was actually banging the guy......I realize this is a manuever when she wants to hide something...so let it ride a while and see what happens (perhaps enjoying a little nymphomania along the way) or ending a 30+ year marriage that is generally happy.....well option can always be taken, but once taken, it cannot be undone......so I will defer that for now.......if I want to ask you another question or followup on this how do I do that?

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