NO wonder The X Factor is losing the ratings war with Strictly Come Dancing.

Caught a bit of the show on Sunday night and I couldn’t believe that some croaky old pensioner in a silver jacket had got through to the semi-finals. His hair was like a burst couch and he had the sort of voice (Donald Duck with laryngitis) that made James Arthur sound like Frank Sinatra.

Nah, only kidding. I love Rod Stewart and it was just great to see him on STV. Well, I assumed his spot on The X Factor would only have been broadcast on ITV and shown in Scotland at a much later date. As a big football fan, I bet Rod loved last week’s story about the fella who’s written a series of spoof letters to several Scottish clubs.

For example, he asked if the Morton players could wear black armbands after he ran over a hedgehog in Greenock.

Then he wrote to Dundee to see if he could sprinkle the ashes of his auntie’s dead budgie on the Dens Park pitch.

On the back of a story in yesterday’s paper, I’m guessing he also wrote a letter to Celtic asking them to release a Neil Lennon calendar – and they fell for it. I only have one question about this Neil Lennon “pin-up” calendar – who’s in it?

I’ve got a cheek to talk, eh? As the mugshot at the top of the page suggests, I bit into a lemon once and it screwed up my face.

Seriously, though, fair play to the Celtic boss. Every penny raised from the calendar is going to a great cause (the music charity Nordoff Robbins) and I’ve got news for any critics who might suggest that wee Neil’s no oil painting.

Yes he is. I saw the evidence at the Paul McBride QC tribute dinner I wrote about just the other week.

One of the items I was honoured to auction for the Yorkhill Children’s Foundation was a full-length portrait of Lennon by top Scottish artist Gerard Burns.

As I may have mentioned on the night, it actually looked like one of those doors you used to batter through on the ghost train.

I’ve done a bit of modelling myself, you know. I’ve never sat for a top artist but, a couple of years ago, I submitted some full-frontal nude photos to Playgirl magazine.

And I got a letter back a few days later saying I’d been put on the “short” list.

P.S Bumped into my old pal Jim Delahunt on Saturday night and I liked the way he summed up Celtic’s shock draw with Arbroath in the Scottish Cup... Haddies 1, Smokies 1!

P.P.S Memo to all the glory-hunters who’ll squeeze into Parkhead for tonight’s Champions League clash after blanking the Arbroath game at the weekend: Celtic are the ones in the green and white hoops.

THE latest person to extract the urine over my failed driving test is Erskine cabbie Gerry Milligan. He wants to know if I now qualify for IncaPASSity Benefit...?

Meanwhile, back in the 70s when he sat his test, my dad was asked by the examiner: “Have you read The Highway Code?”

“No,” he replied. “But I’ve seen the film.” He failed as well.

Scientists have discovered a new planet that’s covered with ice, has no atmosphere and is four billion miles from the sun. It’s just been officially twinned with Saltcoats.