The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile Picture

My Dear Begirdled and Betrodden Sisters,

In my last post of the Sarcastic Woman dating series, I touched upon the importance of a thoughtfully-written and highly-fibrous online dating profile that won’t cause your suitors to have spontaneous miscarriages of their spleens. Today, I dwell even further into the sensitive topic of your online profile picture.

A picture may speak a thousand words, but you don’t want to subject your suitors to an incurable bout of verbal diarrhea. A well-chosen profile picture set among a tasteful and familiar background will convey the kind of person you think you are when you’re drunk. But if you’re confused about how to put your best face forward, here are some tips for making your profile picture as memorable as a colonoscopy:

1. Choose a Backdrop that Everyone’s Familiar With

In the above picture, Ekoli demonstrates a common theme found in online profile pictures – the nondescript nylon rug that covers decades worth of grease stains and rat feces.

Source: The same Russian dating site.

Building on the carpet theme, we can see it echoed in other online profile pictures:

Source: WeUsedToBeCommunistAndItShows.org

Of course, the pitfall of posing in front of a busy pattern is getting lost in the picture. That’s why wearing something like a blood-red murderer’s mask, floral lace stockings or a fat suit that makes you look like a homeless Martian will help you stand out from the crowd. Who do you think achieves this better in the above picture?

2. The Way to a Guy’s Heart is Through his Stomach

In his epic study, “Wama-Llama’s Ding Dong”, renowned Russian psychotherapist and ten-time hot-dog-eating champion, Dr. Igor Ivgotanitch, claimed that llamas from South America, like North American men, become aroused at the sight of all foods, certain yard implements, and American football. After studying 1,000 men, 1,000 llamas, and 10,000 women (12.3111111 women out of 10 fell asleep while watching Sunday Football, thereby necessitating a larger sample of women for the study), Dr. Ivgotanitch concluded that,

…ees clearrr men more zan ze vemens arrre stimuLAted and not just vy ze zeep fried foods, but alzo in ze IN-an-I-mate objects d’dezires, zuch as ze Zumba, ze Zoloft…und ze zabaglione. Zom men do not know ze difference in meaning between ze IN-AN- I-MATE and ze IN-TI-MATE, which may be ze reazons for ze vast confusions….

Sadly, Dr. Ivgotanitch was institutionalized and stripped of his credentials in 2007 for (a) posing as an unqualified gynecologist; and, (b) faking his accent which was more Conan the Barbarian than it was Russian. It was later revealed that Dr. Ivgotanitch was really Antoine LaFontaine from Brooklyn, NY, who often went by his street name of Sparky.

Keeping Dr. Ivgotanitch’s findings in mind, we can better appreciate the raw animal sexuality depicted in the following pictures:

Beer, bread, a bunch of crap, a watermelon and a babe in a bikini. This woman won’t be single for long.

No hot sauce needed.

These fruits on the table could be easily substituted with…

Insert your ( ) here.

3. Borrow from Pop Culture

For those who are dating from afar, such as China or Russia, having a picture with a reference to the pop culture of your destination country will help you better relate to people from that country. Take, for example,

A new China – with two sets of yellow highway markers to counteract the terrible traffic – all displayed against the backdrop of the Arizonan desert.

Of course, the more observant among you will notice that this scene was inspired by…

In order to appeal to a wider audience, we would suggest adding the following to the online profile picture:

Gah!!! Wow, what a treasure trove of online dating profile photographs! I agree w/Jen, you’ll have to point us towards your final project once complete! 🙂 Hilarious. Now I must try to pick myself up from the floor after laughing so hard! 🙂

Hey! It’s so weird, on Friday (13th) I was thinking, “I haven’t seen Angela’s posts for a while”, since you’re always so diligent about posting on Fridays. Then BOOM I see you’ve got a post and you read mine. This time, I’ll channel my psychic abilities to winning the lotto jackpot. Hope you’re enjoying your *quiet* holiday time!

PS: Believe me, you don’t want to see the final project. I can’t really post about it anyway on here, and my *employer* is also a follower of this blog. All I can say is white older men and young, nubile Asian women is a very desirable demographic on this site.

I’m still cracking up looking at your lead photograph at the top of this post. It just occurred to me that Mr. Ekonovich looks like he’s turning an unhealthy shade of purple holding in his breath flexing his pecs…

There is an easier way to ingest watermelon without striking such a painful pose. Personally, I like to put on a bikini that’s two sizes too small for me, immerse myself in a bathtub filled with a hundred empty Pabst beer cans and have that Russian guy in the first picture feed me the watermelon with his muscular chest.

I trade the stock market for a living and follow Chinese stocks listed on the American stock markets. There is a Chinese dating company trading in the US. Have you heard about them?http://www.jiayuan.com
Naturally I can’t read the Chinese on the website. Maybe you can write about them as well. Best wishes from Canada where the weather is now at minus 10 degrees.

HI Giora, Thanks but no thanks on checking out other countries’ dating websites. One can only handle so many bad pictures in one’s lifetime and come out of it mentally unscathed. Thanks for stopping by!

The topic always is – attracting foreign males to dating websites featuring sexy, eligible women from countries with poor English skills and little western cultural awareness through informative articles extolling the virtues of submissive Chinese and Eastern European women, who want to meet only YOU, because you’re a great person and not some lonely schlub who can touch his belly button with his tongue. Basically, the opposite of what the sarcastic woman preaches. It’s nice to switch hit once in a while, even if I’m striking out most of the time. Thanks also for the shout out in your latest interview. I think Red Banner Sister should get herself a Chinese revolutionary uniform in army green with a carton of milk as her logo. Her child can have a Superman cape with a pair of shorts and tshirt in 20C degree weather.

Ivgotanitch didn’t come up to scratch then. Shame. I thought Ekoli was a bit of a dish although if he is anything like his stomach bug cousin the way to his heart may literally leave you lovesick! Brilliant stuff!

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