It kinda blows my mind that local government spent five months investigating this thing. But then, here I am, looking at this woman’s picture and typing this up with one hand. This is from Matteson, Illinois, in case anyone wants to drive by her house later.

Sarah L. Tolzien, 24, of Arlington Heights, was charged Tuesday after a five-month investigation, Matteson police said. Her bail was set at $10,000 Wednesday and her next court hearing is April 15 at the Cook County Courthouse in Markham.

Tolzien, who teaches English and coaches the boys varsity cross country team at Rich South High School in Richton Park, was placed on administrative leave Dec. 1, police said.

I guess she gave him a couple rides home…and then gave him a couple rides home. The kid was 16, which means he pretty much has the worst parents ever. Seriously, cockblocked by your own parents? They were probably all like, “We know what’s best for you,” which is obviously not true. Is either one of them hitting that? I rest my case, your honor.

Police accuse her of having sex with the student, a cross-country athlete, twice after giving the student a ride home. She also sent sexual text messages to the teen, and gave him a bottle of cologne and a card on his birthday.

What was the message on the card you suppose? My money’s on “I hope the only handcuffs I ever wear are yours.” Because it’s ironic that…never mind.