“No one stepped in because no one knew. I kept everything a secret; the control, the abuse. I believed that if I even gave a hint something was wrong, he’d beat me. If I tried to leave or if I told anyone, he might kill me. There was nowhere to run. So I stayed right where I was.” — Beverly Gooden, activist, writer and survivor

Relationship abuse affects people of all ages, including teens and young adults. In fact, one in three adolescents in the U.S. experiences violence from a dating partner.

Beverly Gooden knows this firsthand, because as a young adult, she married her abuser.

Because of your support, loveisrespect, a project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, is there to provide support 24/7 to young people experiencing abuse. As a survivor, Beverly knows the courage it takes to reach out to a stranger for help, because you’re living in fear. Without these resources, many people would continue to live in silence.

Thank you for not being a bystander to this important issue. Your gift will help ensure that loveisrespect and The Hotline are able provide support and hope to the thousands of people, of all ages, who are impacted by relationship abuse each day.

“Domestic violence was a way of life for my home growing up. The fear and complexities accompanying this violence remain very real to me today.” — Troy Vincent, NFL Sr. Executive Vice President of Football Operations, Former NFL Cornerback

As young boys, Troy Vincent and his brother listened helplessly many nights from the closet or under a bed in their small apartment while their stepdad yelled at and beat their mother. Growing up, this was his model for a relationship. He remembers thinking, “Is this the way things are supposed to be?”

Back then, there was little help for victims and survivors of domestic violence. Troy and his brother saw their mother struggle to seek help and find the courage to say, “No more.”

Today, Troy is thankful for the help and resources that exist for victims and survivors through The Hotline. Your support helps ensure these services are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Jane is thankful for the services The Hotline has provided to more than 4 million people over the past 20 years. However, she wants you and others to know there are still many people waiting on the lines for help.

“Nothing could be more important than to support this organization,” Jane said. “There are millions and millions [of people] — probably people you know — who are suffering from abuse, and they’re silent. They need help and they need to come to The Hotline.”

“The more money we can give The Hotline, the more people can be helped,” Jane added. “There are so many [people] calling The Hotline and not getting through who really need help now. So please, please do what you can. [Help] save lives, save people, maybe people you know.”

P.S. During the month of November, survivors and supporters — including Troy Vincent, Christi Paul and Brian Boitano — are telling us why they are thankful for the resources The Hotline provides to survivors. Follow The Hotline on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram to see their stories as they are posted!

Don’t forget to share why you’re thankful by using the hashtag #HotlineThanks

What a week and year we have had. Today, I am reminded that the fate of victims and survivors of relationship abuse does not depend on one person or one election. Real change happens when we have the courage to reach out to one another. When we have the courage to say, “I need help,” to someone else. When we realize that we can only go so far alone, but together we can go even further.

Domestic violence knows no party lines. It does not discriminate against age, gender, income or status. It touches all of us.

In 1994, the bipartisan Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) acknowledged these facts. VAWA created what we now know today as the National Domestic Violence Hotline. When we work together, we are able to achieve so much more for victims and survivors. Let us all remember this.

Thank you. These are two very powerful words that we often hear from victims, survivors and their loved ones every day. Now, I want to pass these words to you, along with survivors’ stories of triumph and gratitude.

Over the past 20 years, The Hotline has answered more than 4 million calls, chats and texts for help. However, each year thousands of calls from people who need help go unanswered.

Imagine building up the courage to finally pick up the phone to get help, and your call isn’t answered.

We need YOU to ensure everyone receives the support they deserve, 24/7.

Help us answer the call. Everyone deserves a life free from violence. Everyone deserves to be safe.

Thank you!

P.S. During the month of November, survivors and supporters — including Jane Seymour, Christi Paul and Brian Boitano — are telling us why they are thankful for the resources The Hotline provides to survivors. Follow The Hotline on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram to see their stories as they are posted!

*Name has been changed to protect privacy

]]>0adminhttp://www.thehotline.org/?p=139662016-10-24T16:05:48Z2016-10-24T16:05:48ZMy boyfriend goes into the kitchen, and there are dishes in the sink. I’m sitting on the couch, aware that this is one of his only pet peeves. The instantaneous trigger reaction begins, and my whole body begins to pump adrenaline. Then I take a breath, then another deeper one, and remind myself that this is now. This is my boyfriend, the most gentle, loving man I have ever known. The trigger reaction, locked deep within my molecules, comes from living with a man whose reaction to dishes in the sink very likely could have been screaming anger, dishes being thrown and broken or even physical violence – all of this inflicted on my mother. I lived with that man for the first eleven years of my life.

These leftover seeds of post-traumatic stress come from growing up, during my most impressionable years, in a house that was more of a war zone than a nurturing nest. The standards of perfection were always changing and therefore could never be met, so at any moment there could be fits of anger, rage, fury and violence. Going to sleep at night, regardless of bedtime stories and snuggles, could mean being awoken to the sounds of screaming and hitting, sometimes followed by our mother leaving to seek the safety of a domestic violence shelter for the night. As much as I can recall, waking up in the morning wasn’t about the joy of a new day. It was about avoiding and sidestepping the unknown thing that would provoke an outburst of anger and violence. Sometimes, it was about being the fierce voice of reason and pleading for the peace and joy that childhood craves. Other times, it was about taking the courageous action of dialing 911 to literally save a life. Always, it was about preserving an ounce of hope for a different future.

What I have always known, before I could form the words until now, is that kind, loving, generous and gracious love is quite possible. In this lifetime, I have pioneered a journey for myself of traditional therapy, western medicine, life-coaching, spirituality and intense trainings in energy therapy and consciousness work. Many bright lights, healers and mentors have contributed to the elimination of about 90% of my PTSD and have helped me learn how to create my sweet, beautiful life. I have learned to be my own leader. I know I will always be learning, creating and leading myself to something greater. Now, I strive to inspire others to cultivate brighter futures for themselves.

I #SeeDV as a cycle that affects everyone in the family, and it can be broken. While there are still threads of the past that show up, today they contribute to my weaving a fabric of conscious choice to create the kind of life I always perceived was possible. Please know that any choice you make to create a change for yourself is conscious kindness to build a more loving and grateful world.

Danna Lewis, Conscious Leadership Expert, two-time best-selling author, radio show host and hands-on energy healer. She has 20+ years of business experience, trainings and certifications in consciousness and empowerment coaching. Danna currently lives with her boyfriend of two years in San Francisco and Monterey, CA, where they spend weekends with his son. Learn more at www.dannalewis.com.

Those are just some of the statements I continue to hear about domestic violence. Addressing domestic violence with care and empathy is important, and intervening safely is critical. But oftentimes, it can be hard to know what to do or how to do it.

A few days before our wedding, my ex-husband physically assaulted me in an airport parking lot, with at least 20 witnesses standing nearby. Not one of them helped me. No one asked if I was okay. No one dialed 9-1-1. I called out for help, but nobody came running. I felt alone and scared, in a space filled with people. Everyone looked away, or stared in silence until the assault was over.

Why? I believe it’s because we continue to see domestic violence as a private issue – one that is inherently personal, and therefore not our concern. We walk faster when a man is yelling at his partner on the street. We turn up our televisions when a neighbor begins to throw things at her partner. We do whatever it takes to absolve ourselves of the responsibility to address the issue of domestic violence in our own neighborhoods, families and workplaces.

But not all of it is intentional; a lot of us just don’t know how to react. We know domestic violence is happening, but the issue seems big and difficult and impossible to take on. So, we can allow that difficulty to create inaction, or we can acknowledge that domestic violence is a community issue and work together to prevent it.

What are some ways you can address domestic violence? Learn about healthy relationships, and educate others. Start young – teach children about boundaries, respect and conflict resolution. Take a firm stand against domestic violence, and be vocal about it. If you witness domestic violence, call for help and ask the victim if he/she is okay. Learn how to safely intervene.

I believe in the power of community. I believe there is strength within us as a collective. I #SeeDV as a community issue. It’s about all of us. We all have to sacrifice. And I know we will win.

Bev Gooden is an award-winning social activist, speaker, women’s health advocate, content creator, and originator of a viral Twitter movement. #WhyIStayed was named by TIME as one of the Top 10 Hashtags That Started a Conversation and is one of 8 Hashtags That Changed The World according to CNN affiliate, HLN. Learn more about her work and upcoming events at beverlygooden.com.

]]>0adminhttp://www.thehotline.org/?p=139232016-10-12T16:36:23Z2016-10-10T20:41:02ZI’ve been with The Hotline for four years, and in that time I’ve learned a number of lessons. The one I want to share with you today is that everyone, every kind of person, is affected by domestic violence and relationship abuse. There are a lot of myths out there, like that only poor people get abused, or only people of that race deal with domestic violence. But, the heartbreaking truth is that severe intimate partner violence will affect one in four women and one in seven men at some point in their lives. There’s no question that everyone knows someone who has been affected by domestic violence. And, relationship abuse doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it’s not like if someone has an abusive partner, nothing else in their life can be difficult. If that were the case, it would be so much easier for survivors to get help!

As frustrating as it is to know that so, so many people in our communities are hurting, physically and emotionally, on a daily basis, for me the most rewarding part of being let into a sliver of people’s personal lives is seeing how strong, creative and loving survivors of abuse are. The huge majority of survivors I’ve talked to don’t want their abusive partner to be punished, or even to leave. Most survivors of abuse just want the abuse to stop. I’ve talked to survivors who forgave things that would be considered crimes against humanity in a Hague tribunal but were still so fierce and so resilient they blew me away.

Abusive people typically do anything and everything they can to gain and maintain power over their partners, including manipulating the full force of the legal system in their favor. But, in my experience, survivors are just the opposite. They’re so caring and considerate that they hesitate to get a restraining order if they think it might hurt their partner’s career. When I started this job, I admit I thought that was ridiculous. But I’ve learned so much from survivors about what it means to maintain your humanity in the face of terrible violence and disrespect. Now I know that no matter which choices they make for themselves, survivors are the folks who are going to come out on top. They’ve got the heart, the brains, the courage and the fire to live through hell and still love. Can we make #SurvivorStrong go viral?

Since I spend so much of my week talking to survivors and their friends and family, I #SeeDV at every intersection of people’s identities.

In my time at The Hotline, I’ve talked to survivors who are female, male, non-binary, genderfluid, transgender, agender and everything in between.

I’ve talked to survivors who are white, black, Latinx, Asian, Native American and mixed.

I’ve talked to U.S. citizens, both native-born and naturalized, and immigrants, both documented and undocumented, from all over the world who have come to the United States.

I’ve talked to people in English and Spanish, and over the phone our advocates talk to folks via translators in more than 200 other languages, too.

I’ve talked to people in cities, suburbs and rural areas of all 50 states, plus Guam, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

I’ve talked to both servicemembers and civilians on U.S. military bases around the globe.

I’ve talked to straight folks, gay men, lesbian women, bisexual folks, queers, people who are questioning their sexual orientation and people who are asexual.

I’ve talked to people with disabilities both visible and invisible, lifelong and acquired.

I’ve talked to people of all faiths, and agnostics and atheists.

I’ve talked to cancer survivors (and fighters), folks who are HIV positive, pregnant people, caretakers, individuals who are suicidal and tons of people battling other mental health concerns like addiction, bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression, and many, many people with PTSD.

I’ve talked to people who’ve been abused for years and know that how their partner is choosing to treat them is wrong, and I’ve talked to people who are in their first relationship and don’t know that it’s never acceptable for a partner to talk down to them.

I’ve talked to a lot of people since I joined The Hotline, and I’m proud to say we treat each and every individual who contacts us with dignity. No one ever wants to believe that abuse can happen to them, but it can and it does happen to people like you every day. I know, because I’ve talked to them. That’s why we’re committed to providing compassion, resources and safety planning to survivors, their loved ones and even people who are abusive, 24/7/365. Every minute of every hour of every day advocates are staffing The Hotline. So, no matter who reaches out to us and when, they are met with the respect that every human being deserves. Do you hear the phone ringing?

Heather is a digital services manager and advocate at The Hotline and is originally from California. She has lived in Austin for five years and has been with The Hotline since 2012. Her passions include intersectional feminism, political activism, travel, reading, learning new languages and cuddling with her dog.

]]>0brollingshttp://www.thehotline.org/?p=139032016-10-03T14:38:43Z2016-10-03T14:38:43ZOctober is here, which means it’s time to raise awareness about domestic violence! Although domestic violence is an important issue year-round, Domestic Violence Awareness Month serves as a reminder to all of us that our stories and our voices matter. We must come together and help the world #SeeDV.

This year, we want people to know that there is no “typical case” of domestic violence. It can affect anyone, regardless of who they are or where they can from, and every person’s story is unique. With more than 12 million people affected by intimate partner violence in the U.S. each year, chances are you know someone who has experienced abuse. That’s why it’s important to understand the issue and know how to help someone you care about.

How Can You Get Involved During DVAM?

Share How You #SeeDV
Why is domestic violence an important issue to you? This October, let everyone know how you #SeeDV. Be sure to follow this blog as we share different perspectives on domestic violence from survivors, advocates and others in the field.

Attend Our Webinar
Domestic violence can affect anyone, regardless of age, race, gender, or background, and the experience is different for every survivor. In this webinar, survivors will share their unique stories and experiences, as well as what helped them and what did not. We’ll also discuss ways to support the survivor in your life. Reserve your spot for Wednesday, Oct. 5 at 2 p.m. ET/1 p.m. CT!

Wear Purple on Oct. 20Show your support for domestic violence survivors and raise awareness by wearing purple on Oct. 20. Organizations and individuals around the country will be participating, including The Hotline. Go purple for DVAM and share your pictures on #PurpleThursday!

Tune in to Our Facebook Live EventWe’re often asked what people can expect when they reach out to The Hotline. In this Facebook Live event, Hotline advocates will be sharing their experiences and answering questions about their work. Join us on Thursday, Oct. 27 at 2 p.m. ET/1 p.m. CT.

We hope you’ll share how you #SeeDV with your friends, family and community this October. Be sure to follow The Hotline on social media for DVAM 2016 updates and ways to get involved!

]]>4brollingshttp://www.thehotline.org/?p=138532016-09-22T16:14:49Z2016-09-21T16:36:34ZWe hear from many people who are in abusive relationships, and even those who have left relationships, but say that they love their abusive partner. They wonder, “Why do I love someone who has hurt me so much?” It can feel strange, confusing and even wrong to love someone who has chosen to be abusive. Let’s dive into what might be contributing to this feeling of love for someone who is being abusive towards you.

While these feelings can be difficult to understand, they aren’t strange and they aren’t wrong. Love isn’t something that just disappears overnight. It’s a connection and emotional attachment that you create with another person. Love comes with a lot of investment of time, energy and trust. It’s not easy to just let go of a life you’ve built with someone, whether they’re abusive toward you or not.

If you’re struggling with feelings of love for an abusive partner, it could be for a number of reasons:

You Remember the “Good Times”

Abuse typically doesn’t happen right away in a relationship, and it tends to escalate over time as an abusive partner becomes more controlling. You may remember the beginning of the relationship when your partner was charming and thoughtful. You may see good qualities in your partner; they might be a great parent or contribute to their community. It’s not shameful to love someone for who they could be, or for the person they led you to believe they were.

After hurtful or destructive behavior reaches a peak, there may be periods of “calm” in your relationship when your partner makes apologies and promises that the abuse will never happen again. During calmer periods, it might seem like your partner is back to being their “old self” – the wonderful person they were at the beginning of the relationship. You might feel that if you could just do or say the “right” things, the person you fell in love with would stay and the abuse would end. But, there is nothing you could do or say to prevent the abuse, because the abuse is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the choices your partner makes. Those periods of calm are often a tactic that an abusive partner uses to further confuse and control their partner.

Your Partner Has Experienced Their Own Trauma

Abusive partners are human beings who are complex, like everyone else. They may be dealing with their own traumas, past or present. As their partner, you care about them, and maybe you hoped you could help or “fix” them. But whether they’re dealing with a mental illness, addiction or an abusive childhood, there is NO excuse for them to abuse their partner in the present. Abuse is always a choice and is never okay. The truth is, even though you love your partner, you can’t “fix” another person. It’s up to them to get help addressing their own trauma and their abusive behavior.

Love Can Be a Survival Technique

For many victims, feelings of love for an abusive partner can also be a survival technique. It is very difficult for a non-abusive person to understand how someone they love, and who claims to love them, could harm or mistreat them. To cope, they detach from their pain or terror by subconsciously beginning to see things from the abusive partner’s view. This process can intensify when an abusive partner uses gaslighting techniques to control or manipulate their partner. The victim begins to agree with the abuser, and certain aspects of the victim’s own personality and perspective fade over time. By doing this, the victim learns how to “appease” the abusive partner, which may temporarily keep them from being hurt. The need to survive may be compounded if a victim depends on their abusive partner financially, physically or in some other way.

You might want to believe your partner when they say that things will change and get better because you love them, and they say they love you. It’s okay to feel that love and want to believe your partner. But it’s important to consider your own safety and that what your partner is giving you isn’t actually love. Love is something that is safe, supportive, trusting and respectful. Abuse is not any of these things; it’s about power and control. It IS possible to love someone and, at the same time, realize that they aren’t a safe or healthy person to be around. You deserve to be safe, respected and truly loved at all times.

Want to speak confidentially with an advocate about your own situation? Call 1-800-799-7233 any time or chat with us here on the website between 7 a.m. and 2 a.m. Central time.