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Are there letter writers you wonder about to this day? While I’m away, readers nominate some who
stayed in mind.

Dear Carolyn: Please help; I’m desperate. My husband and I are the parents of an
8-month-old son, and, although we were excited to welcome a baby, we have learned that parenthood
isn’t for us. We had no idea that we would be so miserable.

We can’t talk to anyone, because it’s so shameful admitting this level of failure at something
that others do naturally. We can’t imagine what options we have. Please, please help me to look at
parenthood from a new angle.

— Md.

Dear Md.: Out of almost 12 years’ worth of letters, yours might be one of the most
heartbreaking — and bravest.

The crucial first steps are clinical ones: Get screened for postpartum depression, and do it
today if possible. It might not explain your misery, but it’s common. It wreaks havoc on mothers’
ability to bond with their babies, and it can lead fathers to turn on infants for “causing” the
unhappiness.

While you’re on the phone with the doctor’s office, ask that your doctor call you as soon as
possible. Say it’s urgent; don’t take no for an answer. When the doctor calls, ask for two or three
names of psychotherapists who work with young families.

The moment you hang up, call the first one to make an appointment. If the therapist can’t meet
within a week, then call the next one, and so on through the list. If nothing works, call your
doctor again. (Don’t be afraid to go to the emergency room if you ever think you might hurt
yourself or your baby.)

When you get in to see someone, tell the truth. Although it’s understandable that you and your
husband are honest only with each other, it’s also dangerously limiting. Your imaginations and
expertise haven’t come up with answers, and that won’t change unless you bring in someone else’s
imagination and expertise.

You asked me to serve that role, but I don’t have the specifics of your health, your marriage,
your life context, your baby’s health and temperament or any other factors. In these most formative
days for your son, you need high-percentage guidance from someone who sees you up close.

I will say this, however: Not everyone takes to parenthood “naturally.” What’s unnatural is
society’s unspoken expectation that parents tough it out alone. Don’t see it as a personal failing
that you need to ask for help. Don’t do that to yourself — or your son. Call in the troops
today.