Serving you sarcasm

Tonight were the overnight dates in St. Lucia, and everything started off in typical Bachelor fashion. J. Pabs and Clare lounged on yacht, Andi and Juan sat by a waterfall, and Nikki and Juan Pablo rode horses down the beach. Typical Harlequin romance book cover type activities. Apart from Nikki’s absolutely astounding amount of cleavage, nothing too out of the ordinary. All three women went up to the Fantasy Suites and Juan Pablo got all starry-eyed over each of them.

Andi however had had enough. While last week she was excited by the prospect of falling for Juan Pablo, this week she realized that he doesn’t even know her at all. She felt that he didn’t ask her any questions about herself, that he didn’t know any of her important core values, and essentially, that this wasn’t turning into a real relationship, he was just having fun and didn’t actually care about her as a person. Well, yeah that sounds about right.

So she decides to go home, because this is not the sort of relationship she wants to be in. She breaks up with Juan Pablo and lets him know that she doesn’t see a future with him and that she feels like he doesn’t know her at all, doesn’t even really care about her. He says, “that’s ok” and that he understands her viewpoint, appreciates her honesty, and that if she’s not feeling it, he can’t make her stay.

This is where Andi should have cut her losses, given him a hug, gotten the heck out, and badmouthed him in her on-camera interview. But instead she takes offence to him saying that it’s ok because it just reinforces how very little he cares about her. It devolves into a very messy argument wherein Andi’s upset and trying to get straight answers out of Juan and where Juan simply says, shhh it’s ok, over and over and over. Honestly it was a bit exhausting, though a bit exciting. It gets especially good when Andi calls him out for being disrespectful for talking about his other overnight dates with her, and for saying that she only got through to this round “by default.” Defending himself, Juan Pablo says, “No, I said that you barely made it through to this round,” because somehow that’s better, and essentially says that it’s her fault if she’s insulted by his honesty. Eventually, when she realizes that she can’t have a spirited debate with Juan Pablo, as was apparently her hope, she packs up and leaves.

Juan says that he found the argument disappointing and that even if Andi asked to stay he wouldn’t let her. The whole point was that she didn’t want to stay, bud.

In the end, Clare and Nikki, arch-enemies forever, get the final two roses. At this point we hope Clare wins, partially because you can tell by her crazy eyes how much she wants this, partially because they actually seem to enjoy each other and partially because she talks so much about her family and her dad that she might be the only one that Juan Pablo knows anything about.

Well, we’re back, just in time for this week’s two part special! I won’t lie to you, this first part was awfully boring.

This week we saw hometown dates. First up is Aiiii Neekee Neekee. She takes Juan Pablo to a barbeque place and then they ride a mechanical bull. It’s all incredibly fascinating. Then, he meets her parents and has a lovely dinner with her family. He doesn’t outright ask for her parents’ blessing, but they do say that they trust Nicki completely and they support her in whatever decision she makes. Honestly, it was just that boring.

Next, J. Pabs heads to Andi’s hometown. She takes him to the shooting range and she gets a bulls-eye on her very first try. Needless to say, I think we’re all a bit terrified of Andi. Not only is she rather emotionally insecure but she’s armed and dangerous. Then it’s Juan Pablo’s turn and we can’t help but feel like it was a terrible idea to arm this man. Andi says that he can’t come home with her unless he hits a bulls-eye which I think is an odd standard. I’d say that he couldn’t come home with me unless he started respecting women or changed his views on marriage equality but I guess that’s just me.

Back at the range they have a lovely dinner with Andi’s family and her also very pretty sister. We’ve got the sort of Kate and Pippa Middleton effect happening here where we’re not quite sure which sister is prettier. Andi gushes to her family about all the wonderful adventures she’s been having with Juan and her dad is being a total Debbie Downer pointing out that the whole time they’ve been going on group dates. Literally, she’s had one one-on-one date with the man and she thinks she’s ready to get married to him? They’ve spent like a second together! We can’t help but agree with her dad. Later, J. Pabs attempts to ask her dad for his blessing, in a rather roundabout way, saying “if we get to that point, then would you welcome me to your family?” and the dad essentially says that they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. Only he says it in a far more intimidating way so that Juan visibly shrinks back and says “ok, great.” Is it great Juan Pablo? IS it?

Next, Juan Pablo heads to Renee’s hometown and meets her son, who is just as precious as we could have imagined. I think it’s no secret that we’re essentially totally in love with Renee and her cutie kid just upped the ante. Also, I swear, she just keeps getting more beautiful. Her makeup was so minimal, and her hair was totally blah, and yet she was radiant.

Ok. I’ll stop gushing about Renee.

Renee and J. Pabs settle down to watch her son’s baseball game and then head to her parents’ house for dinner. I don’t know what it is about Renee – her maturity, her calm, lovely presence – but Juan Pablo is just so much less aggravating around her. She honestly brings out the best in him. It must be exhausting for her. J. Pabs chats with Renee’s bro and her dad while Renee and her mum have a wonderful heart-to-heart where her mum just gushes about how she wants Renee to be happy. We do too, we do too.

Finally, Juan meets up with Clare and her crazy eyes. They go for a walk as Clare talks more about her dad, and then they go over to her Momma’s house for dinner. She has a million sisters and they all seem to have a touch of the crazy. There’s a very, very odd incident where Laura won’t leave Clare or Juan alone with Momma and insists on speaking for her as if she’s some sort of interpreter. It turns out that Momma can indeed speak English and totally welcomes Juan into the family, so we have no idea what that was about. If anything, Laura might be crazier than Clare. Clare reacted to the whole thing like a calm, collected adult, and whined a bit and then cried, saying that nobody wanted to see her happy. Just ridiculous.

Finally the madness ended with the rose ceremony, where Juan sent Renee home.

I’m sorry, WHAT? She’s the best thing that ever happened to him!

On second thought, we’re actually rather glad that she’s managed to escape Juan Pablo’s clutches. RENEE FOR BACHELORETTE!

Renee leaves graciously saying that it wasn’t meant to be, and that she really does hope that she can find somebody to complete her family. I’m going to miss that woman. Honestly. #ReneeforBachelorette !

Stay tuned for another post tomorrow when drama goes down in the fantasy suite! Oooh la la!

We missed the first ten minutes, at least, as we fought with our remote, because we’re all super bright sometimes. Turns out we need new batteries. If anything we missed Chris Harrison, which really would be a shame because he’s practically the best part of these shows. When we finally managed to turn on our TV, the first one-on-one was underway. Juan Pablo took our girl Renee out on an adventure in Vietnam and they got a tailor-made dress for her. So that was exciting I guess. They chat about their kids, they set little floating candles into a river and make wishes, and that was essentially the entire date. Renee spent quite a bit of her on camera interview time obsessively wondering about when J. Pabs would finally kiss her, while he spent a bunch of time on camera talking about how he won’t kiss Renee because he doesn’t want to set a poor example for her son. He reasoned that he’s old enough to see the show and understand what’s happening and he didn’t want to give any false impressions. Which would be lovely and chivalrous if the next date hadn’t happened …

For the group date, J. Pabs and his harem hop into little circular canoes (they look like big coconut shells) and they all paddle themselves down the river to a lovey community garden where they pick vegetables. Bless the talent on this show who all agreed that this garden was just lovely, and wouldn’t it be nice if we had those things in America? (FACEPALM). They finish off the date by heading back to the hotel and having cocktails, where the drama begins in earnest. In one corner we have Andi, fretting over the fact that she’s never had a one-on-one, and how dare he spend time with other girls?, as if she’s never seen the show before. And in the other corner we have Clare, who’s going after what she wants. J. Pabs invites her up to his private pool, saying (and yes, this is a direct quote) “I took her to my suite. I just wanted to have fun with her.” Wicked chivalrous, bro. They make out a bunch as the rest of the contestants sip their drinks below, and I fight the urge to vomit myself to death. Why does he always kiss tongue first? SO sloppy. Clare gets the rose and Andi contemplates drowning herself (or at least her sorrows) in her cocktail.

After the sister-wives head home, Clare sneaks back to J. Pabs’s place, at 4:00 in the morning, because she’s decided that she’d love to swim in the ocean. Juan thinks it’s a splendid idea indeed, and they splash in, and … bond. Two things, 1. That’s how you get all sorts of infections, Clare. 2. Somehow Bachelor Bob managed to have sex with five and half ladies (don’t even ask me how the half bit works, we have no idea), not on camera. If J. Pabs had only learned from Bob, a huge debacle could have been avoided. Alas. Finished frolicking, Clare gives an on camera interview, gushing about her “connection” and flashing her crazy eyes. She’s a subtle lady. At this point, we’d be pretty happy if Clare ended up with Pabs. We’re not especially fond of either, but they seem into each other, so it seems like a great match.

J. Pabs then takes Nikki (or Neekee Neekee as he says) out on a date where they have to rappel down a massive chasm into the “Hell Cave.” It’s essentially the beginning of Dante’s inferno. Of course, Nikki is bloody terrified and makes it a metaphor for love, gushing about how much she trusts Juan. I trust a bunch of people, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to throw myself down a hole called the “Hell Cave.” In the end, they make it down safely, then meet up for dinner, and Juan Pabs dazzles with his conversation skills “Neekee the nurse. How’s that?” which was apparently all she needed to humblebrag about what a selfless nurse she is for a million years. They make out, she gets a rose, etc. etc.

We make it finally to the rose ceremony with ALL the drama, and not the good kind. First, J. Pabs chats with Renee and tells her that he’s never ever going to kiss her ever because her son could be watching. She lets him know that her son knows that she’s out on a date, and that he understands why she’s doing what she’s doing. Juan essentially cuts her off with a kiss. Renee’s night = made.

Then, he pulls aside Clare to chat about their ocean romp. We’re fairly certain that what he wanted to say was “last night was fun, but in retrospect, I don’t think it was very fair to the other girls, so I don’t think we should do it again.” Instead, he essentially calls her a slut and tells her that she’s being a horrible example for his daughter. Clare is obviously incredibly taken aback and hurt. She asks the blunt, rational question: if you thought it was so wrong, why didn’t you just say no? And rather than answer her, Juan manages to keep on blaming and shaming her. I actually want to vomit myself to death now. Clare isn’t nearly as indignant or insulted as I think she should be; she’s mostly just weepy. I personally would have tried to cut him with the rose (perhaps not the most effective weapon, but I would enjoy the metaphorical significance). Somehow she manages to calm herself down and get through the rose ceremony, but you can bet your asteroid (kid) that this is going to come up again.

In the end, three women get sent home, and I wish I could remember their names but they weren’t major players, so there you have it. One leaves upset that she never had the chance to make a connection with “such a good guy.” Nuh uh honey, you’re not missing a thing. You’re truly one of the lucky ones.

Stay tuned to next week to find out what other new and exciting ways Juan Pablo can be offensive!

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Juan Pablo said some extremely questionable and frankly offensive things about gay people in an interview over the weekend. He later issued an apology blaming the language barrier, but the interview was so bad that ABC released a statement letting viewers know that in no way do Jaun Pablo’s views reflect those of the network.

And this is our Bachelor. It’s not that every single other Bachelor in history has been the ultimate catch that we’re all delirious enough to want to marry. Most of them have been kinda ‘meh.’ But most of them have come across as decent human beings who didn’t talk much about their personal, political or religious views. And that suited us just fine. It’s a little hard to watch the show now as half naked women frolic around squealing over how lovely Juan Pablo is. Sure, he’s easy on the eyes. Yes, he seems like a nice guy. But he’s definitely not our favourite…

So with that in mind, Juan Pablo takes the former NBA dancer on one-on-one date in the world’s most useless invention: a Jeep that then turns into a speedboat. They ride it to a private yacht, which then then jump off of and swim around in the harbour. That’s how you get the runs.

Afterwards, they head back to J. Pabs’ place and make dinner together and salsa dance awkwardly in the kitchen. In his on camera interview J. Pabs waggles his eyebrows and says that he likes that she can dance. Sure.

Next, J. Pabs takes the “Science Educator” on a date where they have to tandem bungee jump off a bridge. She breaks into panicked tears – as any rational woman would – at the thought of hurtling herself off a bridge, tethered to J. Pabs. Juan Pablo spends the first ten minutes trying to talk her into jumping even though she’s clearly terrified, and it’s not until he finally concedes and tells her that they don’t have to do it, that she decides to do it. She realizes that she trusts him, and takes a leap of faith. You know what lady? The man you need to trust is the one with the questionable goatee who strapped you in.

After that debacle, they have dinner and a private concert by a country artist probably known to other people who actually listen to country but certainly not known to me. They dance, she gets a rose, blah blah blah.

The final date is a group date where Juan Pablo teaches the girls soccer drills and then they play a game against each other. Not being athletic or into organized activities of most kinds I probably would have just left this date, packed my evening gowns, and gone. The ladies all stuck it out though, despite half of them getting smoked in the face by flying soccer balls. Never has anything so uncoordinated graced my television screen. It was like a million Taylor Swifts, running, elbows flailing, across a soccer stadium and it was awesome.

Afterwards, they all change and have cocktails and the drama officially commences. Sharlene and J. Pabs make out (which was legitimately horrifying, I never want to see that much tongue again) and the other girls get jealous. In the end, J. Pabs gives the rose to Nicki (“Aiiiiii Neekee Neekee!”) and they all go home.

Back at the ranch instead of having a cocktail party they have a pool party. There are tears. Of course. Claire, and her slightly crazy eyes, has a bit of a cry in the bathroom because J. Pabs is kissing Sharlene (yes again, why must they assault our eyes?) and of course, Renee has to be the one to calm her down. Geesh.

In the end, Juan sends home a girl with very sparkly shorts and the Free Spirit. TBH, we’re going to rather miss Lucy and her loveliness. Her brazen nudity perhaps not, but he kindness, for sure.

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was an unexpected delight. I won’t lie to you, after the premier last week I think we all thought that this season was going to be outrageously boring. Not that I want every girl to be a train wreck of epic proportions but there need to be at least a handful of likeable people or else why bother? Last night we decided we were into Renee (who just seems mature, nice, and fun), Dani (the federal prosecutor who’s hella gorgeous), and Nikki the pediatric nurse. They just all seem super precious.

The episode kicked off with Juan Pablo taking fake baby-bump girl (aka Clare) on a one-on-one where she flashed a whole lot of crazy eyes. She seems like a nice kid, and they played in some snow created especially for them, and then they made out in a hot tub. Typical bachelor date.

Then Juan Pablo takes Kat on a one-on-one to the Electric Run in Salt Lake City where they jog a 5K and dance to techno music. I just think that if my date was running a race I’d go home. Again, kind of a typical bachelor date, they dance, they fly around in a private jet, yadda yadda yadda.

We finish off the dates with a group date where J. Pabs and his harem of lady friends have a photo shoot, promoting pet adoption. Each girl poses with a dog and some girls have horribly embarrassing outfits and some girls have no outfits at all.

Wait what?

I think that Bachelor Nation might have gone too far on this one. I think it’s one thing to push the girls out of their comfort zones by having them bungee jump or hang glide, but it’s a nothing thing to pressure them into doing a nude photo shoot. I know that if the two girls who were asked to pose nude were absolutely set against it that the Bachelor producers couldn’t make them (or at least I hope that). But the show has fostered this really odd competitive pressure where it’s not enough to show up, look pretty, and have a lovely personality, you have to jump through hoops to prove your love for this man. It almost makes sense; he’s dating 15 other people. But to feel that if you don’t take all your clothes off you’ll be eliminated is a twisted sort of pressure. In the end, the Free Spirit and Dani both decide that they’re comfortable with it, and pose nude with an also nude Juan Pablo. Dani looked beautiful, but I’m still left a bit uncomfortable by the whole thing.

Afterwards, they all head to a rooftop patio for drinks, where Victoria gets absolutely off her face on champagne. In what is probably my favourite line ever, Nikki takes her aside and tells her: “I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now.” Yes, that’s exactly what everybody thought. She flipped her lid and went and sobbed in the bathroom, rather angrily we might add, because Juan Pablo was spending time with other girls. Renee tried to calm her down, Juan Pablo tried to calm her down, and a producer with a beard so excellent we suspect he moonlights as a folk singer tried to calm her down. The best part, without a doubt, was that she had the most hilarious on-camera interview talking about how she did the Heimlich maneuver on Juan Pablo. Only she said something that sounds a bit like Heimlich but most definitely is not first aid. In the end, Juan ends up visiting her the next day in her hotel room and sends her home, saying that somebody who gets out of control like that isn’t the right fit for his family.

We round out the show with a slightly uneventful cocktail party, and Juan Pablo sends home Chantel and this girl who’s a reporter … I want to say Jill? I can’t say that we were all torn up about it, though Chantel was a super babe who dressed outrageously well. We’re a bit sad to see that go.

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Well, it’s begun. The 18th season of The Bachelor, this round starring Juan Pablo, or “J. Pabs” as we’ve affectionately nicknamed him. It’s probably the only thing that could bring us out of semi-hiatus. You’re welcome world.

This season takes place in Miami, so if everybody is tangerine in colour (and they are), at least they have more of an excuse this time? We kick off the episode with Sean showing up to give J. Pabs some slightly awkward bro-ish bachelor advice. We all can’t seem to remember Sean being so ginger in the past (did they give him highlights when he was Bachelor??) but he’s as charismatic as always.

Oh and speaking of tangerines, here’s Chris Harrison! Nice tan bro.

This season we’re pleasantly surprised by the fact that there are some very smart contestants! A federal prosecutor, a pediatric nurse, a psychiatric nurse (with gorgeous hair), and a beautiful Canuck who’s also an opera singer (man she was poised.)

We’re also pleasantly surprised by some contestants who just sound really, really dumb. Is “science educator” actually an occupation? How is “free spirit” a job? Or “dog lover”? Let’s just call a spade a spade, you’re “fun”-employed. And then there’s the girl who shows up with a fake baby bump, because she knows that he wants more children. (*waggles eyebrows* in a creepy whisper: “I’ll be your vessel”) BAD STRATEGY.

The girls all filing out of the limos provided just so much candid entertainment. J. Pabs checks out each one’s bum as she walks away. There’s a couple awkward pauses, a couple awkward hugs, two gifts for Camila, one lady pronouncing his name right, a bicycle powered piano, and some extremely blinged out dresses.

Then we kick off the cocktail party with music, dancing, and the first champagne of many, many more to come. There’s a whole lot of squealing and “he’s so cute, ohmygod, I’m going to die.” (only if you do so quietly, please.) Then there’s the classic line, and I think that this hints at a strong foundation for a strong relationship: “that accent! … I don’t even care we what you’re saying, just keep talking.” Uh huh. And then the waterworks start; girls are already crying because they haven’t yet had a one-on-one chat with J. Pabs. You know what love, I’ll save you the trouble, the whole conversation will essentially be him going “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Oh giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrl.” Is it just us, or does J. Pabs sort of seem like the stereotypical gay best friend? “What can I saaaaaaaaaaaaaay?” “Honestlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wow.”

The first impression rose goes to the Canadian beauty, Sharlene, who seems wholly unimpressed by it. He asks her if she’ll accept his rose, and she goes “really?” sardonically. That must have knocked him down a couple pegs… Eventually she says “sure. Yes.” She could not be less impressed by it. She’s all “oh it felt a little forced” and he’s all “oh I like the way you are.” Hilary really relates to Sharlene, which I think, tells you a lot about her. She’s just kind of just standing there suppressing every eye roll in the world.

Let the rose ceremony commence! After accidentally calling the wrong name (he did say that he was bad with names…) and making the whole thing incredibly awkward, J. Pabs sends home:

The girl he called by accident but who he didn’t actually want. That’s sad really.

The really depressed mineral coordinator.

The scary personal trainer.

And the incredibly terrifying masseuse.

A bunch of them cry, because picturing their life with Juan Pablo “was really great”. You rested all your hopes and dreams on Juan Pablo?

Today, we’ve decided to discuss something entirely inane. If you haven’t heard George Michael’s “Careless Whisper”, you should probably watch the video now, partially because it will help you understand this, but also simply because you should just watch it.

Hilary: I’ve decided that, in “Best Song Ever”, when they say that they danced all night to the best song ever, they were definitely talking about “Careless Whisper”. There’s just no other option.

Julia: I’m sorry, are you actually trying to tell me right now that the literal best song ever is Careless Whisper? That is a bold statement, sir.

Hilary: I am trying to tell you that One Direction clearly must’ve danced all night to Careless Whisper, which they call the best song ever. I think it’s a statement just bold enough.

Julia: Ah, I see. But then that prompts a follow up question: how do you know it’s Careless Whisper and not Beethoven’s 5th?

Hilary: Because how could it not be Careless Whisper?

Julia: It could actually be anything but Careless Whisper. It could be Tibetan Monks quietly humming the Brady Bunch theme tune. Unless you know that One Direction collectively thinks that Careless Whisper is in fact the best song ever, or unless you’re willing to argue yourself that Careless Whisper is in fact the best song ever, then it could be anything, couldn’t it?

Hilary: Tbh, I think it’s a fantastic song. Its comedic value is through the roof. So much ‘80s saxophone. It makes me so happy. Also, the lines “I’m never going to dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm” are both incredibly dumb and utterly hilarious.

Julia: Oh Careless Whisper is indeed a musical gem, but I feel like I like it ironically, which is probably not what George had in mind when he wrote it. Guilty feet are the worst, perhaps second only to guilty elbows.

Hilary: Or shameful shoulders and morose shins.

In completely other unrelated news, Julia, while discussing the fudge our roommate made, said “I’m committing to fudge. It’s my life partner and I love it. Julia + Fudge 4ever”. We are ridiculous.

So a little while ago I was at the dentist’s office, having my teeth cleaned by a lovely dental hygienist who is very understanding about my flossing habits but also tends to hum along with the muzak being piped into the office. She refrains from viciously hacking at my gums with steely instruments, but she has questionable taste in music. It’s a bit of a trade-off. Anyways, we’re calmly listening to infuriatingly zen elevator music, and I’m trying to go to my happy place (where I don’t have somebody else’s fingers crammed in my mouth), when “The Reason” by Hoobastank comes on.

What the heck?

This song came out in 2004 and was instantly the worst thing that ever happened to the world. That was overly harsh. I apologize. But, do you like “The Reason” by Hoobastank? Do you have any friends who do? Yes, exactly, me neither. At the time it was overwhelmingly mind boggling how the song became so outrageously popular when it was so widely disliked. But now, what’s even more puzzling and frankly troubling, is that it’s STILL being played on the radio, nine years later. I was under the impression that “The Reason” was universally regarded as the worst noise to ever pass itself off as music. I think I might have been wrong, and now I’m not sure how I feel about this world in which we live. I’m just not sure.

I’ve just seen this new Jason Derulo music video. First of all, I would like to say that I’m quite pleased he’s stopped shouting out his own name. On the other hand, now he’s found someone else to do it for him, so I’m less pleased about that.

It looks like the video was shot in Dr. Suess’ house with Liberace’s furniture. But also a little bit like they borrowed a green screen from The Lion King for the dance numbers.

Never in the whole entire world have better shirts existed. Litographs prints the entirety of beautiful books onto shirts, posters and tote bags, while donating one new, high quality book to communities in need with every purchase. The shirts are so cool, I’m not even sure which one(s) I want. GIVE ME ALL THE SHIRTS!

Originally, I thought the Sherlock shirt was my favourite

But how awesome is the Edgar Allen Poe shirt?

And the Moby Dick shirt is just beautiful.

But so is the Leaves of Grass shirt. Almost as beautiful as Whitman’s writing itself