kentucky

Louisville coach Rick Pitino, one of the winningest coaches in NCAA history who has won 770 games and two national championships and made seven Final Four appearances while also weathering multiple scandals, was put on unpaid leave Wednesday, after he was accused of secretly partnering with Adidas to funnel nearly $100,000 to the family of an elite prospect.

In response, Pitino asked for his release, which would entail a full contract buyout, ringing it at over $40 million dollars. His first purchase? The Playboy Mansion.

“I’ve wanted to buy the mansion for as long as I can remember, that grotto is a dream,” said Pitino. “Hugh Hefner was a legend, and a personal idol. He was smart, business savvy, and could – and did – have every girl he ever wanted. His death is tragic, but thankfully, his death has granted me my ultimate wish…to become the new owner of his Playboy Mansion.”

In 2015, a self-proclaimed escort named Katina Powell claimed in a tell-all book that she had been part of over 20 parties set up by the school for basketball players. The parties would bring in prostitutes to engage in sex acts with recruits to entice them to attend the college. At the time, Pitino had said he had “no knowledge” of the parties, but his most recent purchase may indicate otherwise, at least in the eyes of detractors.

“No, I definitely didn’t know of any sex parties at the school, or for players,” said Pitino. “All I know is what I heard afterwards. I wasn’t even invited, which is a total drag. I will tell you that I know of a lot of upcoming sex parties, you can bet on that. I won’t say when, but everyone absolutely knows where.”

Pitino has been the head coach in Louisville for almost 2 decades, but says that being put on leave might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“I was upset at first, but in retrospect, sports aren’t forever. They’re not tangible, they’re nothing. They’re just in the now,” said Pitino. “You know what’s forever? The Playboy Mansion. That’s forever. It’s legendary. I can’t wait to move in and try it out…if you know what I mean.”

The sale is expected to go through within the next few weeks, as soon as Pitino’s contract payment is processed.

A hunter in Kentucky has reportedly captured the first picture of Goatman, a half-man, half-goat hybrid that was, until recently, thought to just be an urban legend. Many sightings have taken place in the last several weeks, with people reportedly seeing Goatman in Kentucky, Texas, and even Connecticut.

“I was walking through the woods behind my house, and I saw what I thought, at first, was a deer,” said aptly-named hunter Mark Hunter. “I was about to take aim, but he sort of ‘baah’d’ at me a bit, and then he stood up, and it was a stark-naked man with a long neck and a goat head. I was in shock. Thankfully I was wearing my GoPro, and I got the whole thing on camera.”

Hunter says that he assumed, initially, when reviewing the footage that it might be a man wearing some sort of severed goat head as a mask, but as he researched the Goatman, he became more and more convinced that it was real.

“Don’t take me for a fool – I don’t believe in Big Foot or Nessie or any of that jazz,” said Hunter. “But I tell you what I saw, and what I saw, and what I got on film, was a half-man, half-goat. This wasn’t a prank or a costume. This was real.”

Experts are reportedly researching Hunter’s footage to determine its authenticity.

Marshall Rogers, a longtime racist and self-proclaimed bigot, reportedly hung himself after discovering that he had slept with an African-American prostitute.

Rogers, who was legally blind, has paid for the services of Amber Grey, a prostitute in his hometown where Rogers was an active member of the Ku Klux Klan. Although Grey says that she knew that Rogers would be “extremely upset” if he found out she wasn’t white, she continued to allow him to pay for sex.

“I thought it was hilarious, really,” said Grey. “He would call me up, I’d go over. He thought I was white, I guess, because he’d always talk about how glad he was to find a nice ‘white piece of ass’ out of all the ‘nigger trash’ that whored themselves out. Frankly, I needed the money, and it kind of made me happy to be putting one over on the old racist bastard.”

After several months of procuring Grey’s services, Rogers was informed by members of the Klan that she was not white, and Rogers, who was reportedly already unstable after losing his eyesight during Vietnam, hanged himself in his den. He left a note addressed to his Klan, although police are not saying what it contained.

Grey, who has been cooperating with police on any information she is able to provide, will not be charged with any crimes in the part of Rogers’ death, although she has been arrested for solicitation.

Pope Francis arrived in the United States earlier this week, in his first ever visit to the country. The pontiff has a very full schedule during his trip, including speaking before congress and meeting with President Obama, but his initial act upon arriving on US soil was shocking to everyone, as he has apparently agreed to meet with recent headline-grabber Kim Davis.

Davis, who was arrested for defying a court order that stated as a Kentucky county clerk she must provide marriage licenses to gay couples, has been stealing headlines from more important news items for the last 2 months. When Davis heard that the Pope was coming to the US, she begged the Vatican to allow her to have a one-on-one meeting with the Pontiff. Upon hearing her request, the Pope reportedly scoffed at the idea, initially laughing it off completely.

“Ms. Davis is not the kind of person I would like to speak with normally,” said the Pope when asked about his meeting with the bigoted Kentucky clerk. “The only reason I am interested in speaking with her is to tell her that’s she’s being considered for excommunication, and that even God doesn’t love her.”

Pope Francis, although stoutly against gay marriage, says that all people on Earth are loved by God, with the exception of Kim Davis, and that bigotry and hatred and idiocy are no excuse for not doing your job.

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

Head basketball coach of the University of Kentucky John Calipari announced earlier this evening that this will indeed be his last season as the teams coach.

The 55-year-old head coach, who coaches the #1 ranked team in the nation, said that he is tired of trying to live up to the expectations of basketball fans in the state of Kentucky. “Ya know what? I am just sick and tired of winning all the time and it not being enough for our fans. Here in Kentucky it is win or bust. Meaning that if we don’t win it all this season, I have failed. I’m sick of it.” Calipari said.

When asked about the possibility of coaching in the NBA next season, Calipari did admit to meeting with a couple of teams. “Look, Yes I have met with a few NBA teams who are interested in having me coach their teams, but nothing is set in stone. I may take a year off all together and take time enjoying watching the game, something I have never done.”

While the winning coach has been at Kentucky, at the end of each season rumors have come to the surface as he has been a hot commodity in the coaching ranks. He has turned down several offers from NBA teams, something he now regrets.

“It has been great here, but like I said, the fans are a pain in the ass. I should have moved on last year while I had the chance. This won’t be the end of me though, you’ll see me coaching again, if not next season, then the season after that.

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.

In a surprisingly candid recent interview, Academy Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence, best known for her role as Katniss Everdeen in the stupidly successful Hunger Games movie series, was asked about her recent break-up with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin – a question which turned the beautiful, charismatic, and young star’s face bright, blushing red.

“Chris and I had a very fun time together – we traveled, went to amusement parks, we did the things fun couples are supposed to do,” Lawrence said. “I never was a big fan of his band Coldplay, but my God, who is, right? Anyway, we met, and he is a sweet guy. A little too sweet really, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

So why did such a wonderful, fun, sweet relationship come to an end? Well, despite what sounds like a picture-perfect romance, Lawrence said that there were some shortcomings in the relationship.

“Well…he didn’t quite measure up…to certain aspects as previous boyfriends, I guess you could say,” said Lawrence. The young mega-star then composed herself, took a deep breath, and said, “Chris and I didn’t work out, because he just couldn’t fulfill my needs,if you know what I mean. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Chris literally couldn’t fill my needs. At first it was kind of cute, and it didn’t bother me at all. I’m not some materialistic type chick, I never was. But eventually, I just didn’t feel like he was the right fit for me, or that maybe I was the right fit for him and, in the end, that had a lot to do with it.”

Despite the break-up, Lawrence says that she and Martin remain good friends.

“The relationship wasn’t going to be growing any time soon. In fact, I think it may have stopped growing right before puberty. But despite that, Chris and I are still happy we met, because as I said, he’s a great guy. We’re just better as friends than lovers, as is often the case these days,” said Lawrence. “He really is a wonderful human being, but I mean, you don’t sell a bajillion records if you’re not trying to overcompensating for something. Which is why there’s no way I’ll ever date Chad Kroger from Nickelback.”

Lawrence was ranked the #1 sexiest woman in the world on the FHM ‘100 Sexiest Women In the World’ list. Martin’s ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, refused to comment.

Wadderton recently passed a reform that eliminates the below .08 blood alcohol level requirement for motorists that decide to partake in alcoholic beverages prior to getting behind the wheel. The town says the reason for the change is a simple one, and something they believe is very important – population control.

Rick Wheeler, the mayor of Wadderton, explained the reform to a Louisville news affiliate. “We are a simple town, full of simple folks; our population has been under 4,000 for several decades. It’s fair to say we have not seen a population over 4,000 since the great town of Wadderton was established in the eighteen hundreds.”

Wheeler, who has been the mayor of Wadderton for 14 years, went on to explain, “Wadderton’s population has exploded throughout 2014. We starting seeing the growth towards the beginning of the year, when folks from the big cities within Kentucky started moving to Wadderton to escape the state’s mounting real-estate market. “

According to the mayor the small town initially welcomed the new residents however quickly decided they were unwelcome. Wheeler said “We are good folks and were brought up to be welcoming to strangers; however these city slickers had no respect for the way of life around here.” The mayor claims that the new residents looked down upon the existing citizens and attempted to make “big changes” including opening a Starbucks and building a cell phone tower.

Mayor Wheeler explains how the new reform ties into Wadderton’s population boom, “We have tried everything, we spent a few weeks trying to play nice, we spent months giving them a small town cold shoulder, we even tried to run them out of town by refusing them service at local diner, dry cleaner, and post office, nothing worked on these city slickers!”

According to Wheeler, after the town exhausted all of their outlets they had to get creative, and knew they had to make some changes. “We finally realized if we couldn’t get them city slickers to leave willingly, our only option was to change how we did everything. This is just another version of population control. These big city folks like to wet their whistle just as much as we do, maybe even more, and we are hoping that all of the lethal car accidents caused by our legalizing drunk driving will put a large dent in the town’s growing numbers.”

When asked about the potential impact this reform will have on Wadderton’s legacy population, Mayor Wheeler responded, “Of course we will lose some of our best citizens in these fiery accidents, however at this point it’s just part of doing business.”

Though the majority of the U.S. is frowning upon the reform, it’s been said that several other small towns are going to be playing close attention to the outcome in order to see how it could possibly work for them.