Buying baby monkeys in London

I want to get hold of some baby monkeys - preferably Japanese macaques, but I could be open to capuchins and/or vervets. I think it'd be a laugh to train them to stand in the corner in butler / maid outfits and run to the fridge to fetch me a can of beer when I click my fingers.

I could also train them to do a bit of dusting - maybe even hoovering and toilet cleaning - to earn their keep in fruit. I also think it'd be a great stress reliever to dress one up in a Morrissey t-shirt (or arsenal kit) and beat it with a wooden spoon

My mate in Singapore deals with infant macaques all the time - he trains them up as greyhound jockeys and makes a fortune hosting high-stakes race meets for corporate bigwigs and pro gamblers in Abu Dhabi. However, they're quite easy (and comparatively cheap) to pick up over there, plus he doesn't have RSPCA busybodies sticking their oar in. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to smuggle one back to Heathrow...

So, does anyone know where you can get them in London? There must be SOME dodgy exotic pet shop or Asian criminal syndicate who can get me one (or several) at a decent price, no questions asked. Come on Dissensus, make my monkey training dream come true.

The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sufi For This Useful Post:

1 become a policeman
2 go undercover as a spycop in ALF
3 urge your cell to break into the local university medical or neuro labs. It'll be wall to wall macaques in there.
4 wait in the getaway van until you have a full load of macaques, baboons, etc
5 drive off leaving the ALFers to do the explaining
6 shave off the dreads, go back to everyday plodding, but now with added monkeys

The Following User Says Thank You to john eden For This Useful Post:

I was hoping this would be as easy as Sufi DMing me the address of a secretive pet shop in Brick Lane.

But, as a certain rock band might have put it: It's a long way to the top if you want to gatecrash a 'Fuck Trump' rally with two macaques on unicycles, waving black flags. Clearly, my macaque-harvesting mission has only begun.

Posing as a cop and robbing a lab IS a damn good idea. I could also make money on the side confiscating and reselling drugs around London. Similarly, I agree with John E - if I pay for a monkey's upkeep, I should at least get weekend visits.

Problem is, though, mature monkeys are completely impossible to train. Won't share your kebab with them? Bite your face off. Startle them by slamming a door? Bite your face off. Bring back a friend? Shower you in shite and bite your faces off. You either have to put up with all that bullshit...or sell them back to the lab (for pennies), flog them to a gullible, childless couple or let them loose in Epping Forest.

I need young ones I can train up in my own image. Impressionable, feeble-minded, blank slates...