'The Bachelorette' Episode 6: Emily Maynard Is Not A Trophy Wife

This week, Emily Maynard (minus little Ricki this episode) and her bevy of muscled misfits traveled to Dubrovnik and donned some serious kilts. The sixth episode of "The Bachelorette" was obviously sponsored (in part) by Croatia's Tourism Board, which apparently has a whole lot less money than the London Tourism Board -- and the PR team for Disney-Pixar's "Brave."

This week's adventures kick off with some requisite plugs for Croatia before the dudes find out that Em has chosen Travis (the blonde formerly known as "Egg Guy") for the first one-on-one date:
--Emily: "I'm so excited to be here in Croatia!"
--Jef: "Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love." (Words no one has ever said before.)
--John "Wolf": "Croatia is cool as hell!"

Stuck In The Friend Zone
Poor Travis. He was doomed the minute he walked into "The Bachelorette" with an ostrich egg. His one-on-one with Em includes strolling around Dubrovnik, visiting the "Balancing Stone" where Travis is supposed to take off his shirt but doesn't -- "I've been wondering what's underneath that shirt" says Em -- and discussing his failed engagement of two years prior. This all led me to realize that before this episode I knew nothing about Travis except that he had an egg and a southern accent.

At dinner (in another cave) Em and Travis sip wine and don't touch their food while Travis admits on national television that he hasn't been on a date in two years. Trav says that he can "see himself" with Em. Em tells Trav that she's "really grateful for [his] smile," and then proceeds to pick up the rose, play with it and reject him. Alas, it was all friendship, no romance. Travis grabs his wine glass on his way out, stands in the rain with Emily and walks off into the distance where he promptly throws away his umbrella on the side of the road. "Bye honey," says Em. Oh Travis -- you should've taken off your shirt when you had the chance.

All Croatian Gentlemen Wear Kilts
Back at the hotel suite, Doug, Sean, Chris, Arie, Jef and John "Wolf" are selected for this week's group date. Ryan gloats (shocking, right?) because this means he gets the last one-on-one. He also admits that he "might come off as arrogant."

The dudes meet Emily ready to date. Instead they're thrust into the world's longest commercial for Disney-Pixar's new family-friendly flick, "Brave." They all go into a beautiful old theater and watch the film -- with all the lights on -- while Emily intermittently explains the plot to the camera. Afterwards, the guys all talk about how much they loved the movie and how "Brave" is just like "The Bachelorette" because there's a scene where suitors compete for the heroine's affections. They also say the word "Brave" over the next hour at least 50 times.

(Photo Credit: ABC)

After the movie, Em explains that they're about to compete in the traditional Scottish Highland Games ... in Croatia. So naturally, a Scottish dude starts playing the bagpipes -- in Croatia -- while the men strip down and change into kilts. "Last week was a dress, this week it's a kilt," groans Arie. And because the producers are really trying to make this Croatian-Scottish cultural mix work for reasons unclear, the dudes get to ride into the Hunger ... I mean Highland Games on donkeys, because apparently that's how Croatians ride into battle. Then they compete in manly challenges like archery, giant log throwing and pulling big sticks out of each other's hands. Sean is so manly and muscly that he breaks his log. "Sean looked friggin' hot," Em astutely observes. Chris loses at everything, but because he hasn't gotten enough screen time recently AND because Emily doesn't care about things like "big muscles" (OK, Emily, we believe you ... wink wink) she awards him the Bravery Cup -- the "Bachelorette" equivalent of Miss Congeniality.

At the Highland Games "after party," Emily dons black sparkles and is ready to make out. Jef wears another plaid shirt and skinny tie, firmly establishing himself as my fashion favorite. First Sean grabs Emily and confesses his "strong feelings." Then Arie steals Em away, and they walk around on cobblestone paths for a while while Arie apologizes for last week's Kalon-gate. Before they have a chance to chat too much, he pushes Em against a wall and makes out with her like there's no tomorrow. OK Arie, we officially see your appeal. After they come up for air, Jef gets his shot at Emily's lips ... er ... heart and cannot for the life of him stop saying "like." He's actually worse than a Valley Girl in the mid-'90s. He's still pretty adorable, though, and tells Em that he's "freaking crazy" about her. (He also says something weird about how his feelings for Em are the stuff of novels, but I'll let it slide.)

Unfortunately for Sean, Jef and Arie, all the lip-locking confidence in the world won't secure you a rose. Chris is Miss Congeniality, and Em thinks he's handsome, so he wins this round.

Trophy Wives Don't Talk Back
Back at the hotel, the guys sit around wearing matching zip-up hoodies and shit-talking Ryan, who's in the bathroom primping. Jef observes that Ryan is a "jacka**," and someone points out that he plucks his finger hairs. (So is Ryan the type of dude that the New York Times writes about when they create trend pieces on he-waxing and pejazzing?) When Emily arrives, Ryan immediately begins pulling out the awful one-liners: "The world is our pearl -- no it's not, it's our oyster, and you're the pearl." Ugh.

Em and Ryan proceed to go on a Croatian road trip. In the car, Ryan brags about his driving skills and says he's "definitely trouble." Staying on the oyster theme, they arrive at a dock, get onto a boat and go oystering. Em tries to eat one while looking disgusted, and Ryan yells things at her like, "Swallow it! Swallow it!" Instead she spits it over the side of the boat, because she is nothing if not refined. After Ryan brings up "trophy wives" again, Emily says: "Trophies don't talk back." Burn. But Ryan isn't deterred, so they head to dinner where Em arrives in a one-shouldered (her fave look) golden, sparkly dress. Yup, she's literally dressed like a trophy. Ryan doesn't waste any time telling the camera that he's "pretty sure she's gonna be a trophy wife," and telling Em that every man should want his wife to be the trophy. It sems he has "trophy wife"-specific Tourette's.

Then Ry-Ry reveals to Em that he's made a list of 12 qualities he wants in a wife. (I'm pretty sure he wrote down one-third of the words he knew onto a piece of paper and then got really proud of himself.) The list included: "loyal," "logical," "encourager," "sexy personality," "catch my eye" and "servant." Everything any woman wants to be, right? Unfortunately, family didn't make it onto his list, and Emily doesn't want to be with someone she has to feel perfect around, so she tries to let Ryan down easy and send him packing back to the U.S. In true Ryan fashion he doesn't accept defeat for 15 minutes, instead forcing Emily to argue with him. Luckily, she sticks to her guns and says sayonara to Ryan and his groan-worthy dialogue. Go girl!

During his exit, Ryan discusses all the beautiful friendships he's built with the dudes, while the other suitors high five each other and celebrate never having to see him again. Ouch. Then the producers deliver their gift to themselves -- and our affirmation that this show truly is a producer's game. In the car, Ryan waxes poetic about how he hopes he'll be portrayed well on the show. "For you guys who cut this up, do a good job of portraying exactly who I am ... and not an arrogant ass," he says. Oops.

It's In His Kiss
Em walks back to her Croatian living quarters looking sad, but immediately perks up when Arie shows up at her door. He assures her that Ryan wouldn't have been a good husband and that she's a great judge of character. Then they lay on Em's bed -- because where else would they chat? -- and start kissing. Arie proceeds to make everyone in the audience want to make out with him. "Emily looks like a giddy f**king teenager!" observes my friend Kate.

Two Roses Are Better Than None
At the rose ceremony, Em admits that Doug and John "Wolf" are on the chopping block. First she takes John aside, and he totally opens up by showing her his grandparents' funeral cards. Then she talks to "Humble Doug" -- apparently that's his widely known nickname? -- and pushes him to be more forward. They don't make out (Doug what are you waiting for?!) but he does stroke her back ... and then cries. Luckily, before the waterworks start, Chris Harrison swoops Em away so she can think about all her Tough Choices.

SAFE: Chris (who already has a rose), Sean, Jef, Arie ... and then she just stares at the final rose, grabs it and walks out.

After a pow-wow with Chris Harrison (why doesn't she just give him the rose?), Em returns and it seems like she's going to send both John and Doug home. But then, in the most contrived fake-out ever, Chris walks in with TWO roses and they're both safe.

Next Week, In Prague...
Prague is so cool! Fireworks! Prague is so romantic! Sean makeout! John makeout! Sean could marry her! Chris took Em for granted! He doesn't feel right! Man tears! Em's stink face! Arie dated a producer!