So, You’re Thinking of Getting Cancer…

This is a big decision, and one that I’m sure you haven’t come to lightly. Picking the devastating disease that’s right for you is a deeply personal and emotional choice. Just deciding that you want to get cancer is a big step, and for that you deserve praise.

But before you jump right in and start scheduling chemo appointments, take a moment to really consider this decision. Ask yourself: Is this the right time in your life for cancer? Is this the right time in your career? Are you ready for such a big commitment (emotionally, physically, and financially)? It can be easy to get swept up in the cancer mania. But even if it seems like all your friends (and favorite celebrities) are getting cancer, it doesn’t mean that you are ready for it as well.

With so many factors involved, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. Take this survey to determine if getting cancer is right for you.

How old are you?

A. Over 65
B. Between 26-64 years old
C. Under 25

What career field are you in?

A. I was laid off, and am currently unemployed
B. I’m a special education teacher
C. I’m an investment banker, baby!

What is your income level?

A. Even though I work full time, I make less than 25,000 dollars a year.
B. I make between 25,000 and 50,000 dollars a year but I live in a big, expensive city.
C. I make over 200,000 dollars a year and have a trust fund! Woooo!

What’s the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to you?

A. I found out that a partner infected me with HIV.
B. I was in an abusive relationship.
C. I went to the Fyre Festival and Blink 182 wasn’t playing. Boooo.

Are you pregnant?

A. Yes.
B. I plan to be in the next few years.
C. I’m a man! Low-five!

What prescription drug do you take?

A. I’m on Humira for my rheumatoid arthritis.
B. I have an inhaler for my asthma.
C. I take Viagra, but I don’t need to tell you why because that’s between me and my doctor.

Which pre-existing condition do you have?

A. I have diabetes.
B. I was raped. After reporting the crime, I chose to receive healthcare.
C. None! I’m at %110 percent every day! High-five!

What are your mental health issues?

A. I have depression that is well-managed with medication.
B. I am recovering from an eating disorder.
C. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything because I suppress literally all of my emotions.

Are you a member of the U.S. House of Representatives?

A. No.
B. I ran for the U.S. House of Representatives but I had no chance because of gerrymandering.
C. Yes. I’m Paul Ryan. Punch it in, bro.

RESULTS

Mostly A’sUh oh! You definitely aren’t ready for cancer!

Your current age, economic status, and/or preexisting conditions indicate that it’s very likely your monthly healthcare cost is going to go up to a number that you absolutely cannot afford. But don’t worry, you can opt out of health insurance with no penalties. Problem solved. Of course, unfortunately, that means it would be very foolish for you to decide to get cancer at this time.

Mostly B’s
You probably shouldn’t choose to get cancer just yet.

While you are doing your best, cancer just isn’t a very prudent decision at this point in your life. If you combine your high cost of healthcare (due to things like minor pre-existing conditions and out-of-your-control trauma) with the loss of income that would arise from having cancer, it seems very likely that you would miss payments on your insurance plan. And once that happens, your pre-existing condition of cancer could lead to premiums of over 100,000 dollars! So while it may be hard to wait, you should postpone getting cancer until your income is higher or you win the lottery.

Mostly C’s
It would be okay right now to choose to get cancer.

While it would be irresponsible for most Americans to get cancer, if you find yourself in that position you’ll be just fine. Under the new healthcare bill, you’ll get the most reasonable premiums. And let’s face it, even if you didn’t, you’re insanely wealthy. So you’ll get the best insurance along with nice, big tax breaks. Because let me guess: you’re a white guy, right? Yeah, you’re going to be fine buddy, just fine.