Finally! An April Fool's Joke vending machine!

There is no need to press the panic button. (When it comes to cliches, there is never a need to press the panic button. In fact, no one has ever pressed the panic button, or ever will, or ever thought it should be pressed. Indeed, there really is no such thing as a panic button, nor was there ever. So relax.)

Just kidding! It really is time to press the panic button! If you don’t have an April Fool’s joke yet, how are you going to celebrate the most unique and unnecessary day of the year?

Personally, I’ve had tons of fun over the past few April Fool’s days. A few years ago, the city hall reporter and I collaborated on a hoax that claimed that the city’s derelict Traffic Bridge had been sold to a developer for $1 and he was going to use Chinook helicopters to move it alongside River Landing and turn it into a full-sized bridge sculpture “in the ultra-realist motif.” The story ran on the StarPhoenix website, complete with doctored photo (pictured above). A very satisfying number of people thought we were serious. As a bonus, this was the first time an untrue story was spread via the Internet.

Our most recent April Fool’s joke also sucked in a few people. In the midst of yet another debate on fluoridating water, we claimed the city was going to offer flavoured tap water on special occasions — cinnamon for Valentine’s Day, mint for St. Patrick’s Day and so on. I still think it’s a good idea. Water is boring. It’s colourless, odourless and tasteless. It needs something to fun it up. A few grumpy readers did not agree with me.

I’m actually taking April Fool’s off this year, not because I have run out of ideas but because I have too many to narrow down to just one. I am therefore making available to the general fooling public a selection of prefabricated April Fool’s jokes that are guaranteed (not really!) to suck in the gullible and semi-gullible alike.

Just think of this column as an April Fool’s Day vending machine. As a happy coincidence, the very first vending machine was patented 100 years ago, on April 1, 1913. Kidding!

DD 8 COMMUTER ZIPLINE TO SERVE NORTH END The booming populations of Warman and Martensville will no longer put a strain on Highways 11 and 12 and surrounding roadways, thanks to alternative transportation. An 80-foot tower and cable system near Affiliated Auto Wrecking will create a commuter corridor, depositing workers in Saskatoon’s north industrial area where they can walk to work or hop on public transit.

Commuters will be whisked along at the same speed they currently drive (130 kilometres per hour) and will be safely spaced approximately one foot apart, which is actually more distance between vehicles than observed at present.

FF 8 ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE BUYS SNOW A Zealandia couple sick of winter placed a fake online ad selling all the snow in their yard — and were shocked to find a wealthy buyer at their doorstep.

Cal Naughton, who made his fortune in the cattle and one-day-bathroom-remodelling industries, is buying all the snow he can get. His plan is to store the snow in giant freezers until its value triples, then sell it at a profit. Naughton is also heavily invested in Blackberry stock.

BB 1 SAVED BY THE BIEB The rumours are true. Saskatoon’s historic Third Avenue United Church will be the new home of Justin Bieber.

A local community group had planned a fundraising campaign to purchase the church and turn it into a concert venue. The congregation, which agreed with the plan, was shocked when church officials quashed the deal. Now it’s clear that a counter-offer from the Bieber camp was secretly on the table.

Bieber’s erratic behaviour of late — missing concerts, misplacing his shirts and threatening to beat up photographers — are signs he needs a place to relax and meditate, friends say. A former church in a quiet city like Saskatoon was too appealing for him to pass up.

In addition to a 27,000-square-foot bachelor apartment, Bieber hinted on Twitter that he would be building a replica of the Las Vegas replica of the Eiffel Tower and a nightclub and casino called Sanctuary.

AA7 NEW FIX FOR POTHOLES TOUTED In a move that will preserve the landfill and repair the roads, the city has revealed a plan to fill potholes with used diapers.

“Diapers expand to fit any given space. They displace water and save us from using expensive gravel,” said city engineering manager Tom S. Nuggie.

According to research, performed by researchers, the diaper-filled holes will be paved over by a rubber substance. “The coating, combined with the natural flex of a full diaper, will let the road expand and contract without cracking. Roadways will remain smooth year-round, and motorists will feel pampered,” an administration report reports.

A pilot project will be undertaken this spring and summer, but the change in road repair is likely to become permanent.

“What do we have to lose? The roads are crap already,” said the mayor.

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