Sunday, February 3, 2013

Obi Wan Kenobi is a Badass

Recently, when I was visiting with
relatives, we were sitting around, watching TV as good American
families do, and the original Star Wars just happened to be on. I was
astonished. It had been so long since I'd seen the film and my
memories had been so tainted by the prequel trilogy that it was like
watching the movie for the first time. I had forgotten had good it
was. It made me remember the reason why I owned Star Wars toys as a
child. Why I had owned the movies on VHS.

I kid you not, after this viewing, I
went out and bought the complete saga on Blu Ray. In 2015, it won't
be complete any longer, and it has blinking Ewoks, Han Solo not
shooting first, and Darth Vader ruining the end of the trilogy by
screaming, but that's a detail. Even despite all of Lucas's attempts
to make the originals sync better to the new movies(by making them
suck), the first three movies remain good and timeless.

I was especially taken aback by Obi Wan
Kenobi. I was at this point so used to the Obi Wan of the prequels
that I forgot how much of a total badass he is in the first movie. As
opposed to the new movies where Obi Wan comes off like a bubbling
idiot, the original Obi Wan seems like a retired war veteran. You
could see him stomping some ass. In fact, he does, he chops that
guy's arm off. Obi Wan also has the creepiest smile. It's like the
smile a man has when his best friend catches ass raping a goat. He's
cool. When he dies, you actually care.

That got me thinking: if there's anyone
who should be ruining Start Wars, it's this guy. Obi Wan is the
perfect man to smash your childhood memories. That's why Obi Wan
needs his own spinoff. What follows is my pitch for such a series:

The main premise is, of course, that
Obi Wan roams around Mos Eisley banging prostitutes and doing drugs.
Obi Wan is also always borrowing money from the Rebel Alliance under
the pretense of using it in secret missions. Really though, Obi Wan
just spends it on drugs.

In one episode, a drug dealer comes to
collect money Obi Wan owes him. Obi Wan tells the drug dealer that he
received money based on his products merit and that ditch weed is a
path to the dark side of the force. Obi Wan then proceeds to chop off
the drug dealer's arm while giggling. “In the land of midgets, the
one armed man is king.” Obi Wan muses before walking away.

Any time Obi Wan has sex with a woman,
he ends it by telling her that attachment is forbidden to his
religion. Then Obi Wan leaves. Obi Wan is also constantly giving
children advice telling them, “Your father wanted you to have
this.” before giving them lightsabers.

There would also be an episode where
Obi Wan captures several Ewoks and starts an underground Ewok
fighting ring. Placing bets on which Ewok would win.

Then there would also be an episode
where Obi Wan is talking to a character whilst getting high and
suddenly decides that the character would make a perfect action
figure. As though the reason the character was created was to sell
toys. Then Obi Wan would spend the rest of the episode making and
selling toys of various characters. Before his business tanks at the
end because another company made the same toys with better
articulation.

There would also be an episode where
Obi Wan finds Ewan McGregor and beats his ass for making him look
foolish. McGregor tries to talk Obi Wan out of it, citing karma, but
Obi Wan tells McGregor that karma does not serve those who succumb to
the lame side of the force. McGregor tells Obi Wan that the force
only has a light side and a dark side, no lame side. But, Obi Wan
explains that the force is not a coin, it is a dodecahedron,
possessing twelve different states of being. Then Obi Wan slices off
Mcgregor's arm, and Hayden Christensen cries about it.

Finally, there would be a crossover
episode with Dr. Seuss. The premise is that Obi Wan drops acid and
then enters the home of a few children thinking that he is the Cat in
the Hat.

And there's my pitch to destroy Star
Wars once and for all, but in a way that doesn't suck quite so much
as when Lucas or Disney does it.