The 7 Thought-Habits of Highly Self-Confident People

Are there mental habits that will increase your self-confidence? Most definitely. You’ll read about seven such powerful thinking habits below.

My last post revealed the very best mental habit I know for building self-confidence: "The Daily Success Review.” This short and simple three-minute procedure nudges you to tune in to the little things you do right every day, instead of over-focusing on what you think you did wrong. I have nicknamed this daily technique, “The Small-Success Review," to counter the destructive mindset of thinking that only huge and dramatic successes and accomplishments really “count” when it comes to bolstering self-esteem.

In addition to the Small-Successes method, there are other ways to increase your self-confidence just by altering your mindset slightly. (It is also important to practice behaviors that will increase your confidence and to learn to project self-confidence to others; those will be the topics of upcoming blogs.) This post spotlights the thinking activities you can do right now to build a self-esteem mindset. The following are 7 of my favorites:

1. Don’t worry if you don’t feel confident all the time.

It sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But Dr. Alice Boyes, in her useful new book, The Healthy Mind Toolkit, describes her realization that she needs both self-confidence and self-doubt to do her best work. A little self-doubt can keep you humble enough to realize you may need to learn more or work harder at something. It may even give you the dogged determination to keep going and “show people what you’re made of.” Doubt, according to Boyes, “causes us to question what we’re doing, mentally prepares us to accept change, propels us to work harder or differently, and can lead to us taking more cooperative approaches in dealing with people who disagree with us.”

I love this reminder that your feelings of confidence will ebb and flow during the course of a day — or a lifetime — and that this fluctuation is normal. Not to worry!

2. Show compassion toward your Future Self.

Caring for your Future Self could involve actions as small as filling up your gas tank this afternoon because you have a busy morning tomorrow, and as far-sighted as exercising now for better health as you age. “I may not want to exercise,” you could say to yourself, “but my Future Self sure would appreciate it.” In this post, habits guru Leo Babauta points out that people who don’t procrastinate are also likely to be people who want their Future Selves to be happy. Can you decide to be one of them?

Being able to realize when you are suffering, to comfort yourself, and to tell yourself that “tomorrow is another day” will help you accept yourself even when you haven’t been able to handle yourself the way you would have preferred. Being supportive and kind to yourself when you have made mistakes will not only boost self-esteem; it will also boost your motivation and self-control, according to research cited by psychologist Kelly McGonigal in her book, The Willpower Instinct.

Some examples:

"It's true that you didn't do as well as you wanted on the talk, but given that you didn't feel well, you were a hero just to get through it."

"Yes, you feel bad that you didn't say no to your friend's request. Think of what you could say next time, and put it in your mental file."

Relabeling “failures” as “challenges,” for example, will immediately lower the level of stresshormones in your body. How could you meet this latest "challenge?" Changing one word can initiate a cascade of problem-solving thoughts. Analyzing past mistakes and setbacks may also improve your future performance, according to this research. Strike the ugly word "failure" from your mental vocabulary. Practice enough, and you will develop a "growth mindset," as psychologist Carol Dweck calls it.

Source: "Idea." Image by Tumisu. Pixabay, CC0.

5. Don’t assume that other people know what you know.Own your expertise.

This reminder is also from The Healthy Mind Toolkit by Alice Boyes. Do you know…the best places to find inexpensive clothing? Your city’s ordinances about trash, permits, and large-item pickups? The best restaurants for any occasion? Think about the times when people have turned to you for information; your friends realize that you have numerous areas of expertise, both career- and life-related.

6. Know your strengths.

Think back on compliments and positive feedback from others. Notice how much you enjoy or dislike certain kinds of tasks. Take in the way you contributed to a situation and made it better. When you’ve had a success, mentally replay it again and again. Remembering and savoring positive feedback from others will help you internalize your strengths. Likewise, remembering other positive experiences will ingrain your special qualities into your brain. (Many readers have found this post on “knowing yourself” a helpful way to focus on strengths.)

7. Remember your higher purpose and your meaningful values and goals.

Reminding yourself of your most important values, goals, and life mission can give you more willpower, persistence, and self-confidence, according to considerable research. Your values keep you oriented to your “true north,” pointing to the core of who you are.

If nothing is working, and you feel prey to constant feelings of worthlessness or self-hatred, find a good therapist, who can help you challenge any deep-seated negative beliefs about yourself. Yes, therapy involves time, money, and work, but it's worth it to improve your self-confidence. There’s a lot of truth in this quote by Maxwell Maltz: “Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on.”

"4. Relabel “failures” as setbacks, challenges, opportunities, or learning experiences. " I have been doing the opposite. I just took Churchill's advice and redefined success as the state of moving from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

I am sorry but I have to disagree, this article is. Clealy written by someone with low self confidence or someone who is not naturally confident, I have always been confident and I do not recognise any of the traits that you mention; confidence is more to do with faith in your own abilities and having a completely positive attitude and always seeing the silver lining, and not caring how others may judge you, love who you are and own who you are and believe in who you are, then confidence will open all the doors that you could ever wish for, we have to fail to learn, it’s a part of the process, own that too, put your big boy pants on take a deep breath and be the person you always wanted to be.
Ps: It helps if you are smarter than those you surround yourself with,

I really enjoyed your listing of all the traits you see as part of being a confident person (though being smarter that those you surround yourself with is a bit questionable!). You are fortunate to have "the confidence gene." (If curious about the research behind that idea, see the previous blog.) Thanks for your comment!

Thank you for the article.
Perhaps worth clarifying self-confidence vs. self-esteem?
Self-confidence, as portrayed here, seems dependent on assessment of skills/abilities relative to others; so it's a contingent and very variable state. (Some of us are more or less skilled than others; our skill and ability levels can change positively with education and practice or negatively with injury, illness, aging, etc). These seem to be a very unstable foundation upon which to base one's sense of self.

On the other hand, self-esteem (self-worth?) seems like it should not be conditional in these ways on skills and abilities. Some kind of core sense of self which remains stable through the ups and downs of skill, abilities, successes and failures.

Your comments are right on the mark! In the blog before this one, "How to Be More Self-Confident in Just 3 Minutes a Day," I mention that I am lumping self-confidence and self-esteem together for the purposes of the blog. Then I link to another blog from the word "distinctions" at the end of paragraph 2. You may want to follow that link to get another blogger's take on this issue. However, I think your brief summary of the difference is terrific! It's interesting that you mention injury, illness, and aging. Good to think about. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.

This is very true. Can I take you literally, just for now, and say any habit that's gong to stick needs more like 20-45 minutes a day?
Also, I can see a confident person dong these things. Someone like myself who is not extraverted or introverted but sometimes shy and less confident wouldn't always know how to accomplish these things.
Suggestions would be most helpful. Thanks!

I gather you are referring to the previous blog, "How to Be More Self-Confident in Just 3 Minutes a Day." That blog refers to a specific activity--only 3 minutes required!--that will help a person become more conscious of the small successes they have every day. Try it and see if it works for you!
I don't agree that a new habit needs to be practiced for 20-45 minutes a day. Maybe you mean a new skill? Or, you may be thinking of research that shows that it takes an average of 66 days to form a habit. It all depends on the habit.
Hope this helps!

Remember that line from Kipling's 'IF': “If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same...”?
It feel this article plays on the self-obsession that was once the preserve of adolescence. I see online posts that either present a preoccupation with how one is perceived by others or those that insist it doesn't matter at all what others think. There seems to be a vast 'No Man's Land' between these two extremes. A world in which, if others are troubled by one's views or actions, it's worth taking the trouble to ask why. We are social creatures so of course it matters if we impact others negatively. But we are also individuals and should be able to expect at least the degree of tolerance that we are prepared to show to others. However, there are inevitably personal traits that we cannot change and some that we should not change. In short: other people's opinions matter... but they don't define who we are.

With regard to “relabelling” 'failures' as 'setbacks', I refer again to the Kipling quote. They are simply outcomes. Generally, we can only influence an outcome. We cannot totally control it. So, if we set out to achieve a specific outcome, we must accept that there are other factors beyond our control that also come into play. The outcome is a consequence of our contribution combined with other factors. If it goes the way we want it, we call it 'success' and, if it doesn't, we call it 'failure'. But, in the Grand Scheme of Things, it is neither. We define the outcome according to how we feel about it. But the outcome does not define us.

If I was alone in a forest and I suddenly dropped down dead, it wouldn't even disrupt the birdsong. This isn't because the wildlife is too stupid to understand the gravity of the event or that their lack of concern is a sign of callousness. It is because they accept the reality of such an event and that, in the Grand Scheme of Things, my passing would be on an equal footing with the falling of a leaf. No doubt, whoever found my body would experience alarm and trauma and, once notified of my demise, my friends and family would grieve but it would pass. I don't lack self esteem... I matter to me and I matter to those closest to me. But that's as far as it goes. There is no obligation to be 'awesome' and there is no great sin in being wrong.

it entered my mind to put it into the blog and, for some reason, I didn't. But I love that quote! Of all you wrote, I like best your final comment, "...there is no great sin in being wrong." So true, and it would be good to have that in mind as an idea to draw on.

I think a large part of the problem with self-esteem issues is that hyperbole has become so ingrained in our language that it is no longer enough to be simply OK. I have a friend who uses the word 'awesome' to describe everything and everyone that she particularly likes. She one posted on social media about a trip to Greece. The weather was 'awesome', the food was 'awesome'. She went to a show where the music was 'awesome'. She went on to describe lying on a deserted beach late in the evening and gazing up at the Milky Way... "There are no words to describe it!" she enthused. I did point out that, actually, there are... but she tends to squander them on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.