This is a request for ANYBODY willing to help me in getting some boundaries set in relation to this man:

I sent the message below to Daniel today. If you – whoever you might be – have the heart to help me in this matter please write me a line at milla.ahola@gmail.com with the subject line “willing to help”. Thank you.

subject: i want boundaries. i want your help with setting them.

daniel. you want to be left in peace. and so do i. i want some peace. and i want some help in setting boundaries.

i was really hurt by you. and i am really hurt by you. and i live with this every day. i deal with this every day. i talk about this every day. i lose energy on this every day.

i dont believe you are looking for a real change. and after the sick rape story you’ve been spreading >>

i want to work out safe spaces. i want to live a life where i dont have to see your face around, and you seem to be looking for the same. we could make this happen. we can both live in peace.

if you will not help me in working this out, i will try contacting people you’re relating with, and ask them for help. getting these boundaries mean that much to me.

i want peace. i want boundaries. i want your help in this. im not putting any restraints on you. you can continue making life happen and creating social relations in whatever way you see fit. you can continue calling me insane and sexually coercive and whatnot: i just want you to respect that in relation to me — the hurt ive gone through in relation to you — that the one way you could help (and stop the hate) would be to WORK OUT BOUNDARIES.

i dont want you to contact me directly about this. if you respond to this, please do this through a third person.

im sending the same message to Lotte. ive talked with her, and she said that she would be okay with asking you about this, supporting me in my request (originally i said that i wanted something like this: face to face confrontation arranged in a way i would feel safe with, where boundaries could be worked out. i have a big need to confront you. but i also have a big need for safety and peace, so my main thing would be to work out some way that i dont have to have anything to do with you or see you as long as you’re not taking any responsibility in making yourself accountable to the sexist stuff and hurtful shit you’ve exposed me to.)

so. if Lotte is okay with it, then i would like to have your response passed on through her.

i will ask Lotte to ask you about this message as well.

i want the hatred to stop,
i can’t stop you from telling whatever reality (to me: Lies) you live in to the people you’re with,
but i would like to stop being exposed to that hatred, and to your presence in different groups we both belong to.

im willing to make compromises in order to not having to see your face around. so this is not about me imposing my will on you. this is about both of us getting something we want and need. i wont be exposed to your hatred anymore – and you get rid of me.

milla

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To get a further understanding of my perspective on this conflict, please read

I got a link to an article by a columnist in South Africa sent to me today, and decided to repost, cause it clearly describes how difficult it is to get whiteness seen as a topic worth discussing.

BY VERASHNI PILLAY:

Stuff white liberals say and do

You’ve got to love white people. They’re so very white. Especially in South Africa.

You see, I’m something of a connoisseur. One day I woke up, thought about the fact that about 80% of our country is black, and examined my life. I looked at the friends that filled my photo albums, the people who had married into my family and my fellow customers at all the bars, clubs and restaurants I frequented. And I realised I was surrounded by white people.

If Bruce Willis was around this is the point where I would stage whisper to him: “I see white people — and they don’t know that they’re white!”

I see white people…“walking around like regular people. They don’t see each other, they only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re…”

.

And excerpts (in random order) from the follow up, after a flood of defensive comments from upset white readers, telling her she should deal with her ‘issues’ in therapy:

White liberals: An explanation

“I wrote the original piece after years of studying race theory, observing race relations in South Africa and negotiating my own path of forgiveness and healing. It is the study of my life, if you will. Because I sincerely believe that we are sitting on a ticking bomb of racial discontent in this country that isn’t going to just go away if we pretend hard enough. It can be seen in the comment thread of any online article in SA and the tenor of debate on race around any dinner table. Shutting me up won’t stop that.”

“The fact is there exists a casual racism, or exaggerated racial awareness, that is systemic to predominantly white social groups. Ask any person of colour within. My article was not some bitter outpourings of my soul, but an attempt to enlighten certain white people to the casual hurt they can unthinkingly inflict — and to reach out to people of colour who have suffered and not understood why.

Studying those theories of race brought me and my classmates so much understanding and freedom. I wanted to share this knowledge with others in my situation and help them. I’ve seen this happen in many one-on-one conversations with people of colour. If this made you uncomfortable as a white person, I’m sorry, but really, your comfort was not the point. And going for therapy and dealing with my “issues” quietly means I am robbing others of an opportunity to learn and grow together. Because this isn’t my issue or my healing. It’s ours.”

“I’m tired of the endless race debates in our country,” bleated several anguished white friends. You wouldn’t say the same thing about global warming. Just because you’re tired of talking about something doesn’t mean we should stop — until a solution has been reached.”

I wrote a status update on gmail looking like this: “I hate Daniel. I hate Maria, Maxigas, Vlanto, Hajni, Emma, Ida, Petya, the “feminist” group in Budapest. I hate Micke, Aleksi, Antti, Stacy, Kassu. I hate Taru. I hate a whole bunch of people. I hate the whole “leftist” scene. Posers and fakers and rotten selfish non-reflective assholes.”

Soon after Bela contacted me over chat, asking:

The rest of the chat:

me: i don’t think it’s fun. i do have problems with your behavior. and i haven’t added you as a friend on facebook since i know you’ve had really dominant behaviors towards women.

glosz.bela: It’s right. What can I do with it than?

Should I suppress it?

me: when i get access to facebook i can add you, and we can have a discussion about this on your wall.that’s my suggestion.

glosz.bela: Would it elliminate my bad feeling about women or it will enhance those feelings?

.

Added in my status update: “Bela wanted to be added on the “hate list”, and I don’t see why not. So here it is: Bela, I hate you too. You need to deal with your sexist dominant abusive behaviors. I think you fit into the same category as Daniel – you’..” [That was the limit of letters fitting the ‘status’ box..]

.

glosz.bela: Ok, what’s next?

me: like i said. when i get access to facebook i can add you as a friend and you or i can start a discussion about this on either my wall or yours.

im not interested in having private talks with people about these matters.

glosz.bela: Ok. I will admit I’m an evil in front of others without any cynical attitude, because these feelengs are really inside me. But how will those feelengs evaporate?

Small facts about Bela: She opened her flat to women with small children. Soon after she got involved intimately with some of these women, trying to promote “free love” in the group. Some of the men in the group were very aggressive in this — Telling women that they weren’t fair if they didn’t share physical intimacy equally between the men. There were sectish rules added to the flat — The toilet door was removed. One woman was asked to take her clothes off, and when she didn’t want to she was told to leave. The men talked of being “sexually oppressed” by the women, saying that the women had “sexual power” over them. They have also been talking of children, and that children should have sex with one another.

Bela has also sexually abused one woman, and told several different stories of what occured. To me she said that the woman said a verbal “no”, but that Bela chose to ignore it because the body of the woman “said yes”, putting the responsibility on the woman sleeping in the same bed, and saying that she as a man had no control over the situation, just following her physical instincts. As far as I know Bela has not recognized this as sexist or harmful behavior.

These are my thoughts and feelings on Daniel’s manipulative male chauvinist response to a negative reference I made on CouchSurfing.

from my cs profile: “SOME WORDS ADDED IN DEFENSE, IN RELATION TO A NEGATIVE REFERENCE I GOT: Daniel Vazsonyi, a male chauvinist – in other words: a Sexist Guy – says that I’m a bad drinker. This is TRUE – only that now I’m a sober alcoholic! I don’t drink alcohol anymore. This man also claims that I’m “hardcore borderline” which I’m guessing is the sexist way of saying: “She doesn’t respond well to male chauvinist behavior.” :p — I hope one day Daniel will get over her callousness and ignorance — meaning: I hope she will Stop. THINK. Look over her negative behaviors and Start dealing with her sexism instead of just ignoring the problem or, “looking to move on” – as she calls it.”

BELOW AN EXCERPT from a chat I had with Daniel in June 2009. I am talking about how I’ve felt about her behaviors, and we’re talking about an important text — Everyday Male Chauvinism* — describing the damages and effects of these same behaviors in intimate relations. [* oops. noticed that the text i’m talking about was this — Poly People I Can Do Without — which is also valid in Daniel’s case.]

Daniel is polyamorous and likes to engage with many women at the same time without taking responsibility for the relation. In other words – The guy has a tendency to promise the moon and the sky while leaving us “high and dry“. In the chat I am asking Daniel to tell her new love interest – “Kelly” – of the guy’s harmful ways in intimate relations:

me: i’ve had quite a lot of emotional agony because of the games thing.

Dániel: i hope this does not mean that i have to take responsibility for your emotions

me: depends on how you mean it.

i mean.

i’ve been a horrible drunk with you.

and i take responsibility

for whatever you felt about that.

not just saying: well, you could have stayed the hell away when i was drinking

like that kind of thing

same thing with your borderline thing

that you acknowledge that you have it.

and then i have this sure hunch that you’re not going to warn Kelly about it.

for instance

Dániel: i dont think its a sane thing to do to search for responsibility when we just simply cant talk

WHAT HAPPENED after is a total night-mare of male supremacy and non-accountability on Daniel’s behalf. Lies, deceit. The “yea i will” as a response to reading through the text and have a discussion on it was notthe beginning of the lies and deceit [male chauvinist behaviors], as Daniel claims in her reference on Couch Surfing, it was there from the beginning. So Daniel pushing away from healthy change and “moving on” unchanged with a massive display of sexist behaviors and exposing more women to this, was already there when we met in late autumn 2008. It’s not only the last six months that the guy has been moving away from responsibility and positive change.

.

In a chat that I had with Kelly a month later on, it is clear that Daniel is lying to her about other relations as well as playing dumb on the issues I have, apparently “not understanding” what I’m upset about, even though I’ve stated it clearly. Daniel’s negative behaviors are very well described both here Everyday Male Chauvinism as well as here Poly People I Can Do Without.

1. I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness. And I wouldn’t label myself with any specific single thing. if anything, than maybe: Depression.

2. I have no clue what “borderline” means.

3. Daniel is using this label in a negative way, and is in this way showing that she’s not really sensitive to persons who feel they fit into this category, and in this I’m including Kelly, who — according to Daniel — is on medication, because of this mental condition. (would Daniel write a similar reference to her?)

4. Daniel labeled herself as “borderline” maybe six months after I got to know her. And I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean either. And I’m pissed off that the guy didn’t say anything about it sooner. If she has a mental condition I figure she should inform people she’s getting intimate with about it !!

5. Putting a psychiatric label on me as a response to me giving others a fair warning on the Everyday Male Chauvinism that Daniel displays, is a serious sign that she doesn’t own her behavior or recognize the effects her behavior has on her surroundings. When she harms people around her, there’s emotional and psychological damage done. When she labels me “borderline” — at least to me — this clearly shows that she doesn’t make the link between action (her sexism) and consequence (me freaking out). In other words: She has learnt Nothing.

.

.

“I caused her harm and she’s not a person who will forget or forgive”

“she can never let go… her worst enemy is herself”

.

When I’ve talked with others about Daniel’s view on what happened between us, it seems like she likes to give the impression that the problem between us is that Daniel rejected me as a lover and intimate partner, and that my issue with her is that I can’t get over this.

I’m seriously disgusted that the fact that I’m in love, and vulnerable in relation to her, would be used against me, when that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH the fact that Daniel’s sexist behaviors is something that shouldn’t be “forgotten and forgiven” but something that should be possible to discuss openly, and that Daniel is the one who needs to CHANGE — NOT that I should develop amnesia in order not to be labeled as “my own worst enemy”.

I’m disgusted that Daniel is using the societal accepted excuse that: Sure it’s okay that the guy just doesn’t care about dealing with and changing shitty behaviors cause the guy isn’t in love anymore, which means that the woman has lost her status as an OBJECT of “desire” and can be put on the CONSUMED garbage pile. An unwanted, un-sexy, un-fuckable woman’s feelings have no value in this society. In the case of being intimately involved with a man it’s: Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I’m relating to Daniel in an intimate fashion, the guy is seen as my owner, and anything happening in the private sphere is this guy’s private business. If I’m rejected by the guy I’m seen as a vindictive hag out to harm the man. THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THIS GUY WANTS TO RELATE TO ME OR NOT. “LOVES” ME OR NOT. WANTS TO FUCK ME OR NOT. THIS IS AN ISSUE ABOUT A GUY WHO LIES TO, AND USES AND ABUSES WOMEN and takes no responsibility for it.

This is about a guy who doesn’t want to change her sexist behaviors.

.

.

“Im gonna avoid lengthy kitchen psychology so shortly about the conflict:
we cannot even be in the same physical space let alone work out the issues.”

.

Yes. Very shortly about the conflict: I can not get anybody to help me in confronting the guy. Daniel and I have set time and place for meetings that Daniel then didn’t bother to make happen. Or: That Daniel managed to arrange to be in ways so that I couldn’t confront her properly. We CAN be in the same physical space, but ONLY according to how Daniel wants it (meaning: I don’t get the support I need, and don’t get to discuss the topics I want).

This is not an issue about “we” and “us” not working out the issues. This is about Daniel putting her head in the sand or speaking badly about me behind my back. This is a guy who speaks one thing behind my back and another to my face. This is about a guy who LIES to stay in control.

Shortly about the conflict: This is a guy who doesn’t give a shit about the people she harms, and who refuses to be accountable.

.

.

“So please DO NOT try to reheat the debates. Im looking to move on (have
been trying for a half a year now) and if you feel insecure about me just
decline my request thx for understanding”

.

If Daniel really truly is “looking to move on”, then one good way of doing that would be to give me closure and SAFETY. Arrange a meeting set up in a way that I would feel comfortable with, and then have clearly stated boundaries set up. If this guy is really truly wanting to put this shit behind (forgive and forget? is she capable of that?) then I figure it wouldn’t be such a difficult thing to make happen.

If this sexist man really truly wants nothing to do with me: I will be happy to oblige.

It’s simple: Make the arrangements that I would feel SAFE with, set the date for a meeting to get the boundaries worked out and off we go! No more need for the guy to make fake rape charges and lie to people I know. No more need for the guy to fuck up my life: We Both Leave The Other Alone. Daniel: You go to one corner, and I occupy the other. You take your freedom to ignore and damage somewhere where I don’t have to see or take part in it.

Not wanting to “Reheat the debates”. Debates.. What a joke. You have no idea what an equal talk feels like or what equality is about.

I’m sending a link to this blog post as a private message to this guy over couch surfing. I doubt that it’s needed though, cause even though the guy doesn’t listen to or care about what I have to say, the guy still reads this blog! Go figure!?

During my time in exile from the dysfunctional social center project in Helsinki, I had reached out for facilitators to help out in the conflict. One suggestion I got was to contact a community in Tampere with experience from dealing with internal grievances.

Annikinkatu is a unique remains of the old city. Near the center of the town, in the midst of modern block buildings, stands a hundred year old wooden quarter. An atmospheric building with dry toilets splitting the courtyard in two square inner yards, connecting not only the doors of the persons inhabiting the place, but also giving a connection to the past, not so often sensed in Finland where most wooden buildings have been replaced by anonymous concrete blocks, isolating their inhabitants in cells and echoing narrow walkways.

The woman I got to speak with had spent 16 years in Annikinkatu, and I was eager to hear of their ways of resolving differences. The first thing that caught my attention was her way of speaking of their meetings as Väenkokous (People meeting) instead of Talonkokous (House meeting). This choice of words shows that the focus in Annikinkatu is on the people living there and the way they relate to one another, and not, as in the case with the Helsinki social center project and its House meetings, with a focus on the walls that surround them, where people are merely valued as tools in service of the building, and in many cases: perceived as an unnecessary unwanted nuisance.

She confirmed that the internal relations were very important, and that there were many ways of resolving the differences within. Mostly it seemed that Talking and Time was the way to ease tension. If direct communication between parties wasn’t possible, the habit was to talk the matters over in smaller groups with persons it felt more comfortable with, and then later return to expressing thoughts and feelings directly between the persons involved.

Twice during her time in the community, there had been Open Space meetings arranged. All the members of the community expressing their concerns on pieces of paper, put on the walls for everyone to read. This way the attention was fully focused on the worries and noton the persons expressing them. Some examples of concerns mentioned could be: “I’ve hung my socks to dry in the yard, and now they’re gone.” “There is a family where the man is violent to the woman.”

After everyone has had time to read the papers, they’re taken down, and on the back, you write how you wish for things to be. For example: “I want to find my socks.” “I want the violence to stop.”

Then, if there are many papers expressing similar concerns, people can get into smaller groups and — this is what the woman was stressing – look for PRACTICAL solutions.

I asked what had been done in the case of the violent man, and was told that it had been resolved by a small group of people coming together and telling the man that the behavior was unacceptable. A handful of persons had been assigned as contact persons for the woman to call if she would ever feel threatened. Apparently the solutions worked. The violence was stopped.

this is an emotional stamp of the frequently asked questions that mark my life at the moment. a speaking, and letting go, a stress release, a way of setting things in order.

i don’t know what i want. i don’t know what would make me happy — real — alive. satisfied.

I’m in Berlin. There are three workshops taking place within ten days in February. Yesterday evening was the first one on Perpetration of sexual assault within communities, and possible ways of dealing with it.

The opening of the place has been delayed because of the cold winter and the not so well functioning heating system. There are still people working on fixing it up.

Even if the place had no skulls, and was far from the usual gloomy, dirty, beer-smelly, Punk, Nazi-fearing-hate-the-police Leftist Stronghold-Hangout — It still felt more like Subculture Space than a place for Societal Change: Queer, Pink, Pastel, Heartfluffy, Shaved head-Hoody-Piercing, Genderbender, Clean & Tidy Chique. White & Young.

I’ve been doing the usual thinking. When walking around in the city, hating it, feeling displaced, alone, lost. Dirty streets, with dirty snow. Houses, Shops, Churches. Cars. The sound of cars. A city like any other. And I’m the same too. Same thoughts.

The anger I feel over Daniel and her hurtful sexist behaviors. The anger I feel for feeling love for such a person. A man so openly hateful and selfish. So twisted and manipulative. Preying on the care of women. The lack of sisterhood.

The anger I have towards all of those who put pressure and demands on me to explain and prove where the hurt is in their actions and words. The lack of community. The silence I’m met with by the people involved in making loud statements on the wrongs of this world. — The inconsistencies within the scene. “Another world is possible: And we know how!” The silence and glossing over differences. — I want to find places and people where I can feel accepted as I am. People who would be capable of mirroring me in a non-prejudice way, and instead of diminishing, nourishing the qualities that make me different from the regular dumb – numb – humdrum. I don’t want to be in constant struggle with everything around me. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to trust and believe without this being naive instead of Normal.

I have a dozen of blog posts that I for some reason feel I should write. But life just keeps on happening, and I can’t find the peace to collect my thoughts and press them into clear sentences. Sentences met with scorn on this very blog. Read without understanding. Without care. By people who hate. Why do they read? Pointing finger and saying “crazy” is their idea of fun?

I don’t know what I want. I want the hatred to stop. But I don’t know how. Yesterday I saw a fox wandering around in the city. I followed her for a while. I’ve never been that close before. She seemed used to humans. Probably hungry. A hungry fox followed by a numb human being. Not knowing what I need to be satisfied. Community has turned into an empty word. If it can be used by persons like Daniel, community has lost its meaning. On her couchsurfing profile she’s speaking of how important it is to create a “community atmosphere”. Under the category ‘Philosophy’ she says: “i live my life to enjoy it… as any other human tries to… this is only possible in a caring, communal environment (according to me)” And at the same time – just a few paragraphs below – she finds it so easy to say, when speaking about me: That woman is crazy. Don’t listen to her. Please ignore.

I came to Berlin to learn from the discussions and workshops taking place during these ten days. I will try to get some sum-up of the main points made. I’m hoping to get some ideas to create my own workshops, not only limited to sexualized assault and abuse, but as well include the type of domination — Everyday Male Chauvinism — that men like Daniel expose women to within the community. I don’t want it to be possible to have women falling between the cracks, just having to take the word of the oppressor that they’re “working on it”. I want a network of real live human beings who care. But community will continue to mean Nothing as long as Daniel – the perpetrator – is the one who gets to decide what a caring, communal environment feels like.

If there was a community, I wouldn’t feel so tired. — I would not feel this Tired. And it wouldn’t feel so meaningless speaking. I would feel that my words had meaning to others. Instead there’s walking on hard dirty snow. The sound of cars. And my own thoughts. My reality being deep inside of me. There’s no space made for it elsewhere.