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Posts Tagged ‘Guerdon Trueblood’

It was the early nineties, and Mister Lucky, famed member of the Basset Hound Brigade, found himself tied to a chair. He was quite surprised, as this sort of thing hadn’t happened in decades. Since he was a rookie, in fact, just starting out in the adventuring business. A cold shiver went up his spine as he realized that he was genuinely surprised by this turn of events. While to the world at large he was the Luckiest Man in the World, he was actually the smartest man who ever lived, and had long been able to extrapolate what would happen to him using his excessive intelligence. Surprise was something that no longer happened to him. As he tried to free himself from his bonds, he felt his finger brush against another finger, followed by a low groan. Another surprise. It was not a very good day.

Mister Lucky tried to turn to look at his fellow prisoner, but whoever tied him to the chair knew darn well that a knot had to be tied ungodly tight to trap Mister Lucky. He settled on whispering, “Hey there, I’m Mister Lucky, and today’s your lucky day, because I’m going to get us out of this mess! But wait, there’s more! When I find out who did this, I’ll kick his teeth in!”

He waited a few moments for the other prisoner to respond, and when he did, Mister Lucky instantly recognized the voice of Shoshy Raphael, “Not my lucky day if I’m stuck here with you.”

“Sure it is. You’re some Detroit councilman, you’re on the straight and narrow! It’s my job to save people like you, long as you don’t try to kill me first,” said Mister Lucky, “Now let’s see about getting out of here.”

A light went on, momentarily blinding Mister Lucky. He bet it did the same to Shoshy Raphael, and another groan confirmed this. As his eyes adjusted, he saw a figure standing in the shadows.

“You’re awake. Good. I was getting bored,” said the figure, “My name is unimportant, but my message is quite important.”

“Well then, Unimportant, give us the message and let us go on our way,” said Mister Lucky, smiling wryly.

“I’m not stupid,” said Unimportant, “For too long, you and your kind have been a cancer upon this world. Adventurers and costumed heroes and the like running around thinking they’re better than the average man. I’ve taken the liberty of reuniting the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group, or at least those I could find, and there’s quite the surprise waiting for all of you once you’re out of here.”

“What kind of surprise?” slurred Shoshy Raphael, probably coming off the effects of some sort of drug.

“If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it?” said Unimportant, “In five minutes, I’m sure you’ll both be free. Then you’ll find out what the surprise is.”

The light went off and a door opened. Mister Lucky’s mind and hands began to race.

“He didn’t gloat,” said Mister Lucky.

“So,” said Shoshy Raphael.

“Villains gloat. It’s what they do,” Mister Lucky managed to free one of his hands and began work on the other, “So either he’s not a villain, or… I don’t know.”

Shoshy Raphael sat straight up, “You don’t know?”

“Why’s that so surprising,” said Mister Lucky, freeing his other hand and working on the other bonds, “I’m the World’s Luckiest Man, not the smartest one.”

Shoshy slouched, “Yes. Of course. Are you almost free?”

Mister Lucky stood up and began untying Shoshy Raphael, “Sure am! Sit tight, councilman, I’ll get you out of here in a jiffy.”

A minute and twenty seconds later, Shoshy Raphael stood up. Neither he nor Mister Lucky looked a day older than they had in the nineteen-twenties, owing their longevity and youthfulness to a mystical dragon ring and an immortality serum, respectively. Mister Lucky closed his eyes and turned on the light. The door was open, at once inviting and menacing.

“I’m not looking forward to this surprise,” spat Mister Lucky, making his way to the door regardless. He looked out and saw a dimly-lit warehouse, and not a very good one, either. There was a catwalk connecting several second-story rooms and an empty floor. No boxes at all. In addition to a normal door, there were two loading docks.

Shoshy Raphael joined him at the doorway and peeked out, holding his ivory cane in front of him, “No boxes? What is this world coming to?”

“I know,” said Mister Lucky, “Back in the good old days, you made sure there were boxes to buckle swashes off of and all that.”

“Remember the Charleston Death Ray,” asked Shoshy Raphael, “You almost didn’t make it out of that one.”

“I think that was your most fiendish plan,” said Mister Lucky, almost smiling.

Shoshy Raphael did smile, “Why is that? The casualties? The far-reaching implications of such a device?”

“Nope,” said Mister Lucky, “If it wasn’t for that, I think that stupid Charlie Charleston would never have shown up.”

“Ah, yes. Charlie. During the second Great War, we all joked that he was the true force behind Adolf Hitler,” said Shoshy Raphael, “Could you imagine it? A legion of Nazis dancing the Charleston across the battlefield? A race of Aryan Supermen who were exceptional at dancing that infernal dance.”

“I shudder to think,” said Mister Lucky, “Just because I’m all chummy with you right now doesn’t mean I like you. I still think you’re one of the worst eggs I’ve ever come across.”

“Of course. My hatred for you is matched only by my hatred for Edwin Cloudstar,” said Shoshy.

“Who? Never mind, let’s check the other rooms. See if our compatriots are in them,” said Mister Lucky.

A quick check of the rooms revealed the Amazing Rando tied to a chair with Vinny Fitzpatrick, Guerdon Trueblood shackled together with the Impossible Mister Frink, Guy Magistro chained to a wall with Jojo Jenkins by his side, and Simon McCockindale in a room with Dick Douglas. All had been visited by Unimportant.

As if on cue, a large television screen flipped down from the ceiling and the silhouetted Unimportant appeared on its screen. The collective members of the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group looked up and waited.

“By my estimates, you should all have escaped by now. Don’t bother looking for me, as I’ve been gone for several minutes, and I took measures to keep you from following me. Now, if you’ll look down, you’ll see two loading bay doors. If my instructions are followed, then they should be opening now,” said Unimportant. The doors did, in fact, open and ten men walked out of the trailers. The Bassets and Nantucket Dragon Group looked down upon them warily. Unimportant continued, “I scoured the Earth to find beings who were your polar opposites. Anti-Bassets and Anti-Dragons, if you wish. It’s my hope that you all kill each other, though I admit my hopes aren’t very high. Have at it, gentlemen.”

The screen ascended and the ten men stared up at the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group.

“It’s impossible for us to survive,” gasped Mister Frink.

“Anything’s possible,” said a hippie, among the men on the ground, “I can do what you do, Mister Frink. You can call me the possible Mister Harold.”

“I never liked hippies,” said Mister Frink, under his breath.

“There’s no chance you can beat us,” said Mister Lucky, “I mean, look at you? Are you supposed to be my guy?”

A hulking brute of a man dressed like Mister Lucky just stared, “I’m Mister Unlucky. We’re gonna kill you dead.”

“I like him,” said Shoshy Raphael with a grin, “Right to the point. Nantucket Dragon Group, it would appear that they’re one short, and I’m sure we’re all terribly busy, so why don’t we end this quickly?”

“It’s been years since we done that,” said Simon McCockindale, “You think he’s still around?”

“Of course,” said Guy Magistro, “He’s a demon.”

“True,” said Simon McCockindale.

“Fire,” said Shoshy Raphael, thrusting out his fist.

“Earth,” said Guy Magistro, doing the same.

“Air,” said Guerdon Trueblood.

“Water,” said the Amazing Rando.

“Energy,” said Simon McCockindale.

The five dragon rings each emitted a beam of energy, meeting in the center of the room and drilling into the ground. Moments later, in a flash of brimstone and fire, the demonic hobo Baggy Satan emerged.

“What’s all this, then?” he said, honestly confused. He looked around and realized what was happening, “You lot! Just the other day I was having a chat with me mate about you! How long’s it been?”

“Decades,” said Shoshy Raphael, “If you would, destroy all those men on the ground.”

Baggy Satan’s eyes glowed with happiness, “Truly? No pullin’ levers or makin’ bears out of pizza? Just straight up hellfire an’ brimstone?”

“Yes!” said Shoshy Raphael.

The men on the ground began to converse nervously, and then they all stepped back. The possible Mister Harold waved to the Basset Hound Brigade and Nantucket Dragon Group, “Sorry, fellas, but we quit. Come on, Mister Unlucky.”

The veins on Mister Unlucky’s neck throbbed, his eyes bulged, and his suit tore. He turned to the possible Mister Harold and growled at him, “No!” He ran at Baggy Satan and punched him into a wall, leaving an imprint. There was a collective gasp, “I don’t run!”

“We do,” said Mister Harold, “Good luck taking on ten men and a demon.”

With that, the Anti-Bassets and Anti-Dragons disbanded, leaving only Mister Unlucky to oppose the Nantucket Dragon Group and Basset Hound Brigade.

“I don’t run, neither,” said Baggy Satan, standing up and wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth, “Let’s see you do that again!”

Mister Unlucky cracked his knuckles and lumbered towards Baggy Satan, who lashed out with a flaming uppercut that threw Mister Unlucky into the air. He landed with a sickening crack, but immediately stood back up, tearing out a piece of the floor and hurling it at Baggy Satan. The demon countered it with a stream of hellfire, and then turned the fire on Mister Unlucky. He shielded his face from the fire and strode through it as if it were water, back-handing Baggy Satan once he reached him.

“Should we help?” said Vinny Fitzpatrick.

“Already on it,” said Mister Lucky, who took out a notebook, wrote something down, and slid the notebook into his pocket. Scant seconds later, a hundred Mister Luckys appeared in the warehouse and all of them swarmed Mister Unlucky. The brute easily threw them off and used several of them as weapons against Baggy Satan.

“He’s impossible to defeat,” said Mister Frink, whose words caused the large television to fall from the ceiling and crash upon Mister Unlucky, knocking him to the ground. Baggy Satan spat on him and vanished back into Hell and all the Mister Luckys dissolved into goo. The one true Mister Lucky made his way down and walked over to the fallen brute.

He checked for a pulse, “Oh my god. He’s still alive.”

“Quite a feat,” said Shoshy Raphael, “Now then, are we going to continue this little team-up or can we all go our separate ways?”

“We’re done here,” said Mister Lucky, nudging Mister Unlucky with his foot, “Be on the look-out, though. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this Unimportant. Or Mister Unlucky.”

The sunlight poked through the curtains of the Impossible Mister Frink’s quarters, slowly engulfing the modest hotel suite he called home in a dank light. He grumbled to himself and rolled over, pulling his nightcap over his ears to block out a din coming from other room in the hotel. The whole situation was not to his liking, and he ached to return to his rooms at Oxford with the terrible beds and cobweb-infested windows. He could get a decent night’s sleep there, and he could be certain that any noise he heard could be quelled with the threat of expulsion or some sort of reading assignment. Yet, as a member of the Basset Hound Brigade, he was counted on to reside in New York, though he refused to stay at the Fox’s Den, the storied home of the Basset Hound Brigade.

Mister Frink attempted to roll over, but knew that there was no stopping Mister Lucky once he set his mind upon something and so he rolled onto his back and sat up, “What the devil? Mister Lucky, why are you in my private rooms?”

Mister Frink folded his arms across his chest, “Yes! It’s quite impossible for us to take a day off!” Slowly, Mister Frink realized that he had activated his power to affect probability, which rendered the impossible quite possible indeed, “Oh, drat. I’ve done it again.”

Mister Lucky dug through Mister Frink’s closet and pulled out a suitcase, and then took it over to the wardrobe and began tossing various items in, “You sure have! What do you want to do with your day off?”

“I’d quite like to return to my slumber,” said Mister Frink, already reclining and shutting his eyes.

Mister Lucky stopped packing the suitcase and leapt atop the bed, grabbing Mister Frink by his lapels and pulling him up, panic dripping from his every word, “And waste your day off? We should go somewhere! Far, far away! For a very long time!” He laughed nervously, then leapt off the bed and resumed packing.

Sensing that his slumber was over for the time being, Mister Frink removed his covers and walked behind an oriental screen, a gift from an Oriental trader the Bassets had helped previously, “What are you blathering on about?”

Mister Lucky tossed Mister Frink a gray three-piece suit and sat down on the bed, “I got a message from the Nantucket Dragon Group. They’re going to set off a series of bombs in the city today and I don’t want to be here for that.”

Mister Frink emerged from behind the screen fully dressed and straightening his tie, “I’m surprised at your behavior! You are one of the foremost adventurers of this age, and here you are acting like a common coward! I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re addled, for some reason, but we not must turn our backs on this crisis! We must join up with Douglas and the rest and — ”

Mister Lucky slumped forward, removing his bowler hat and putting his forehead in his hands, “They’ve all been kidnapped, Frinky. Every last one. Even Jojo and the Little Spick, and some ancillary member we just inducted last night and who’ll probably be dead before this whole thing is over.”

Mister Frink froze momentarily, “We must save them, even if it seems impossible for us to do so!”

“Oh, damn it. Fine. Let’s go save our…” Mister Lucky ran a few words through his head, found one he was happy with, and continued, “Let’s go save our allies from the clutches of the Nantucket Dragon Group and avert a city-wide disaster.”

“Indeed! First, let us eat breakfast. One can’t operate properly without a full stomach, and I sense that your stomach is very empty indeed,” said Mister Frink, ringing the bell to summon room service.

Mister Lucky smiled pathetically and nodded, “Okay!”

***

In a warehouse across town, the rest of the Basset Hound Brigade was, indeed, in the clutches of the sinister Nantucket Dragon Group.

Vinny Fitzpatrick scowled at the Dragons, “You’ll never get away wit’ this!”

Shoshy Raphael, sleepy-eyed and sharply dressed in a white suit with a fur-lined coat draped across his shoulders, laughed once, “Oh, but I think we will! Just to show you how serious we are we have secured your newest member, Quick-Exit Quinton, to our deadly explosion apparatus!”

Dick Douglas began frothing at the mouth and fighting against his bonds, “You fiend! Let him go and take me instead!”

Vinny tried to turn to look at his detective compatriot but only managed to get his head half-way turned, “I’ve never seen you so worked up about anyone, Mister Dick!”

Dick Douglas stopped struggling for a moment and closed his eyes solemnly, bowing his head and gritting his teeth, “In the short time I’ve known him, he’s become like a brother to me.”

Shoshy Raphael tapped his ivory cane against the floor and smiled maniacally, “All the more reason to destroy him! Amazing Rando, are his bonds secure?”

“Hizzah!” The magician Amazing Rando waved his hands mystically and stroked his immaculate mustache, “Nothing up my sleeve, no slack in the bonds! Let’s make him disappear!”

Simon McCockindale was the final link in this chain of power, “Energy!”

Thin beams of multi-colored light emanated from the rings, arcing towards the sky and quickly descending and meeting in the center of the five members of the Nantucket Dragon Group. As the five beams met, a hellish rainbow drilled towards the Earth and in a flash of fire and brimstone a demonic hobo emerged.

“Blimey! What’s all this, then?” said Baggy Satan, waving his arms to escape the smoke. He recognized his surroundings and rolled his eyes, “Not you lot again.”

“Yes! Baggy Satan, pull the lever that will activate the machine to destroy Quick-Exit Quinton!” shouted Shoshy Raphael, pointing towards the explosion apparatus and a lever not five feet from Simon McCockindale.

Baggy Satan looked from Shoshy Raphael to the lever, and back, and back again, “Really? I could just blast ’em wit’ the ol’ hellfire, I could, or any number o’ creative and ‘orrifying t’ings.”

Shoshy Raphael replied, “The lever, Baggy Satan!”

Baggy Satan floated up to the lever, trying to ignore Simon McCockindale as he did so, “Whatever you say, guv’nar.”

Baggy Satan pulled the lever and the machine below him started slowly, rumbling softly, sounding somewhat like an oncoming train. The Basset Hound Brigade watched in terror as the Nantucket Dragon Group looked on with glee as Quick-Exit Quinton quickly tried to free himself from bondage. An escape artist by trade, he easily freed one of his hands and reached down to undo his feet. With each foot, the machine rumbled louder and more quickly, until Quick-Exit Quinton reached up to free his other hand. As he did so, an explosion erupted from the machine, engulfing Quinton and leaving behind nothing but a singed hand which tumbled into the bowels of the machine.

Shoshy Raphael laughed, “He’s just the first! We shall kill every last one of you do-gooders, as our machine runs on the power of virtuous souls, and we shall use those virtue-laden souls to destroy the city!”

“You people are mad!” shouted Vinny Fitzpatrick.

“Only because that fool Mister Lucky isn’t here to witness my triumph!” said Shoshy Raphael, completely unaware that Mister Lucky was across town arguing with Mister Frink about toast.

Dick Douglas looked around and gestured to his African-American gardener and a young Hispanic man, “Too bad the Jojo and the Little Spick are knocked out. I’m sure they could use their native magicks to free themselves, and then us.”

Guy Magistro had no such qualms, however, and was chucking his magical eggs at the orphans as they ran about the warehouse over-turning boxes and making a general mess of things. As the eggs burst, unleashing various magical effects such as bursts of ice and fire, the orphans screamed and fell to the ground. However, Brachiosaur was finishing up his work.

Vinny looked around. The Nantucket Dragon Group were nowhere to be seen, nor was their machine, “I think they left while we was talkin’.”

Dick Douglas smiled and rubbed his hands together, “Great! Another case solved. Let’s go get us a drink.”

***

Elsewhere in the city, the Nantucket Dragon Group sat atop their incredibly slow-moving explosion apparatus as it made its way towards the center of the city. Amazing Rando attempted to practice his card tricks while Guy Magistro chucked his magic eggs at passer-by and laughing. Guerdon Trueblood stood with his arms folded, looking over the white man’s domain. Simon McCockindale sat with his legs dangling off the side of the apparatus, wondering if he should use his energy ring to increase the apparatus’s speed. He opted not to, as Shoshy Raphael was standing on the edge and gesturing out towards the city and ranting. Speeding up would no doubt cause him to fall off. Simon McCockindale’s monkey climbed on the outside of the machine while Baggy Satan hovered some distance behind.

“We shall take this apparatus to the very center of the city where we shall use its awesome power to destroy the centers of population,” he shouted, occasionally pointing at a pedestrian.

“Not to be cheeky, sir, but ain’t the whole city a center of population?” said Simon, listlessly waving his legs.

Shoshy Raphael turned to Simon, “That’s now what I meant and you know it.”

“I guess, sir,” said Simon, as he went back to his ponderings.

Shoshy Raphael pointed at the still-rising sun, “In any case, this shall be the first strike of the Nantucket Dragon Group’s war against the world!”

Several streets in front of them, a ghostly voice traveled on the wind, its sing-song cadence heard only by one man, “Here comes Mister Lucky, sad that he missed the handsome young boys…”

Mister Lucky scowled and whispered harshly, “Shut up, you!”

“I didn’t say anything,” said Mister Frink, frowning.

“Never mind, Frinky,” said Mister Lucky, “Here they come! Let’s go!”

Mister Lucky and Mister Frink stepped into the straight, causing the already nearly immobile explosion apparatus to become completely stationary. Shoshy Raphael looked down upon his enemies, “Oh, drat! It’s the rest of the Basset Hound Brigade. No matter, it’s still seven against two!”

The Nantucket Dragon Group descended from atop the explosion apparatus and took up a battle formation in front of the two members of the Basset Hound Brigade. Mister Lucky stood firm, “Too bad you’re facing off against the Luckiest Man in the World!”

“Just what I needed to hear, Frinky! Let’s have it!” said Mister Lucky, lashing out with a roundhouse punch.

It landed on the side of Simon McCockindale’s head, who cried out, “Oh no! I’ve been waylaid!” He slumped to the ground and his monkey dragged him away.

“A bit of fisticuffs, eh? Take this!” said Mister Frink, hitting Guy Magistro in the jaw with a right hook. The sorcerer fell to the ground in a slump. Mister Frink followed up by hitting the Amazing Rando with a right hook.

As the Amazing Rando fell, he said, “Now I see you, now I don’t, because I’m unconscious now!”

Mister Lucky found himself facing the man-mountain known as Guerdon Trueblood, and so he attempted to appeal to the Native American warrior’s better nature, “Your proud native American heritage can’t possibly agree with using innocent souls in a death machine, Trueblood!”

Trueblood looked down at him, “It does when they’re the souls of the white man.”

Mister Lucky smiled and wagged his finger, “In that case…”

A flowerpot fell from the sky and hit Guerdon Trueblood square in the head, knocking him unconscious.

“That flowerpot came out of nowhere,” said Shoshy Raphael, hissing.

“Did it?” said Mister Lucky with a wink, “It’s your turn, Shoshy! Give up and we’ll go easy on you!”

Shoshy Raphael stepped back, holding his ivory cane up as if to repel Mister Lucky, “Not so fast, Lucky! You forget that we have the power of Hell on our side! Baggy Satan, transport us back to our secret headquarters and destroy this machine! Farewell, Mister Lucky! We won’t meet again, because you’re going to die!”

Baggy Satan groaned and waved his hands, causing the Nantucket Dragon Group to vanish into thin air. Mister Lucky and Mister Frink braced themselves for the destruction of the explosion apparatus, but it simply fell apart.

“Well, that was a let-down,” said Mister Lucky.

“I believe they sought to have it explode. They should have given their demon more explicit instructions,” said Mister Frink.

“Well, then, I suppose today really is our lucky day!” said Mister Lucky, picking up a piece of the machine to examine.

“It will never be a lucky day so long as their evil roams the world,” said Mister Frink solemnly.

[Mister Frink and Charleston Charge are aboard the gyrocopter. Mister Frink is pedaling and steering, while Charleston Charge stands and scans the horizon. He points towards a seemingly random point.]Charleston Charge: There! I think that’s it!Mister Frink: Marvelous.[The gyrocopter changes course, heading towards the train. Ten minutes later, it lands on top of the engine and its occupants disembark. Immediately after doing so, the Manakeet emerges from between two cars, screeching. Mister Frink looks at the creature, aghast, while Charleston Charge sighs.]Charleston Charge: I’m so sick of that thing.[He rolls up his sleeves and walks towards the Manakeet, its cacophany ringing through the air. With one swift punch to the gut, the Manakeet starts breathing heavily and doubles over. Charleston Charge brings both hands down upon the creature’s head. This act alone is not enough to do much, but it hits its head on the train car and is knocked out. Charleston Charge throws the beast over his shoulder and tosses it into the engine, where a small plastic robot in an engineer’s hat is driving the train. It turns slowly towards Charleston Charge, tips his hat to him, and goes back to driving the train. Charleston Charge stares at the robot for several minutes, then tosses the Manakeet onto the floor. As he turns to leave, he remembers something, then takes off several of the Manakeet’s feathers. He climbs back on top of the train car where Mister Frink is waiting. He holds up the feathers.]Charleston Charge: I win, I guess.Mister Frink: Good show. Which car do you think the vagrant is in?Charleston Charge: It’s a boxcar at the other end of the train. Let’s go.[As the pair carefully walk towards the boxcar, they are unaware that below them, people can hear their footsteps. Two of these people nod to each other and head towards the gap between cars, and as Charleston Charge leaps across the gap, he is winged with an egg. He barely manages to grab hold of the guardrail, then he looks up to see Guy Magistro and Guerdon Trueblood standing above him.]Guy Magistro: You’re not welcome here!Guerdon Trueblood: You’d best let go, lest I make you, like the white man forced my people to let go of our land!Charleston Charge: Yeah, yeah. You’re making a big mistake. Just let me up and you won’t get hurt.Guy Magistro: You’re in no position to bargain!Charleston Charge: You brought this upon yourself.[At that, Mister Frink leaps from the top of the car and lands behind the two villains. With great strenght, he punches each in the back of their neck. Each fall, grasping their neck.]Mister Frink: Tally-ho! Come now, Charge![Mister Frink hoists Charleston Charge up onto the platform.]Shoshy Raphael: Oh dear. It’s you two. I swear, you’re almost as bad as Lucky.Mister Frink: We haven’t come for a confrontation, Raphael! We simply seek our ally!Shoshy Raphael: Whatever for?[Charleston Charge looks at Mister Frink, whose face is locked in an angry scowl. Then he looks upon the calm countenance of Shoshy Raphael.]Charleston Charge: We’re not really looking for him. I mean, we are, but we’re actually here to stop the Embodiments from killing each other and taking everyone with them.[By this point, Guerdon Trueblood and Guy Magistro have gotten up and are getting ready to attack. Shoshy Raphael waves them away.]Shoshy Raphael: Why, I do believe our goals are the same. Just yesterday my team and I attacked the Stupid.Mister Frink: I knew you were daft, but that daft?Shoshy Raphael: It was either us or him, and while no one died, Baggy Satan did transport us here. Imagine that, sending us to the one location you’d be sure to find us.Charleston Charge: Yeah. Imagine that.Shoshy Raphael: Come now. If I wanted you two dead, you’d be dead already. Come inside, Simon makes a surprisingly good cup of tea.[Mister Frink and Charleston Charge look at each other.]Charleston Charge: You know this guy better than I do. It’s your call.Mister Frink: We might as well.[The pair follow the trio of Nantucket Dragon Group members into the train car, passing the prone form of the Animajor along the way.]Charleston Charge: You have him here, too?Shoshy Raphael: Indeed! He almost gave his life to aid us. Sadly, he is now powerless.Charleston Charge: I don’t see what’s so sad about it.Shoshy Raphael: It simply is. Poor boy hasn’t stirred since then.[Mister Frink checks the Animajor’s pulse, and opens his eye and shines a flashlight into it. He nods.]Mister Frink: He’s faking it.Shoshy Raphael: Really?Mister Frink: Yes. I’m guessing he has a love of melodrama. Luckily for him, I happen to have the cure for what ails him right here.[Mister Frink pulls out a syringe filled with an orangey-purple liquid. Shoshy Raphael steps between him and the Animajor.]Shoshy Raphael: What is that?Mister Frink: Element Frink!Shoshy Raphael: I won’t let you inject the lad with some crazy magic potion.Mister Frink: It’s not a crazy magic potion. It simply unlocks a person’s latent super-powers.[One of the Animajor’s eyes open at this.]Mister Frink: Now then, move aside!Charleston Charge: I have to agree with Raphael. The Animajor thinks I’m his greatest enemy. I don’t think giving him super-powers would be a good idea.Mister Frink: Nonsense! Move aside![With a wave of his arm, Mister Frink knocks Shoshy Raphael and Charleston Charge away. Before they can retailiate, Mister Frink has plunged the syringe into the Animajor’s arm. The liquid is drained from the syringe, and once it’s empty, Mister Frink puts it back into his pocket and places a bandage on the shot. Within second, the Animajor has “woken up”.]The Animajor: Many thanks, Mister Frink. Might I inquire as to what powers I’ve been granted?Mister Frink: I’ve no idea.The Animajor: …what?Mister Frink: It unlocks different powers in different people. I suppose I could run some tests on you when we return to Earth, but for now, it’s simply a matter of trial and error.The Animajor: I guess it’ll have to do. As for you, Charge…[Charleston Charge sighs and shifts to a fighting stance. The Animajor, however, simply puts his hands together and bows.]The Animajor: I beg your forgiveness. I was drunk with power and under the influence of an evil being. I know not what path I shall take, but I do know that I no longer wish to be at odds with you and the Land Captain.[Charleston Charge lowers his fists, his eyes wide and mouth slightly open.]Charleston Charge: I… you… er. You’re forgiven.The Animajor: Many thanks![The Animajor leaves the car to join the Nantucket Dragon Group in the next car. Mister Frink, Shoshy Raphael, and Charleston Charge watch him leave.]Charleston Charge: He talks differently now. Is that due to the serum?Mister Frink: Could be. The effects are chaotic, to be sure.Shoshy Raphael: Now then, back to business. You two and my team both want to avert this oncoming catastrophe between the Embodiments. Between us, I’m sure we can think of something. I propose a temporary truce and alliance.Charleston Charge: I’m game.Mister Frink: I suppose I am also game, for the greater good.[The three shake hands, and go to make plans with the Animajor and Nantucket Dragon Group.]

The Animajor: You don’t have to do this, you know.Righteous Smidgen: I do, though. If it wasn’t for the Stupid, I’d be stuck on the Dinosaur Planet.The Animajor: Still, you don’t know him like I know him. He’s… he’s not what he says he is. I see that now.Righteous Smidgen: So he’s not a force for good?[The door bursts open to reveal the Wiper.]The Wiper: Jesus Christ! The Stupid’s about to execute Shoshy Raphael![The Animajor turns quickly.]The Animajor: What?The Wiper: You heard me!The Animajor: We’ll continue this talk later, Smidgen. Just think it over, okay?Righteous Smidgen: I will.[The Animajor runs out of the room, leaving the Wiper alone with the Righteous Smidgen.]Righteous Smidgen: Do you think I should go on this mission the Stupid has for me?The Wiper: Sorry about this.[The Wiper puts his hands on the Righteous Smidgen’s temples, and before the superhero can react, calming blue energy emanates from the Wiper’s fingertips.]The Wiper: As far as you know, kid, the Stupid’s on the up-and-up. You’re gonna do what he says, to the bitter end. Really am sorry about this.[The Wiper removes his hands and the Righteous Smidgen drops to the ground. The Wiper then steps out of the room and looks around, and removes his cowl and goggles. He places his fingertips on his own temples.]The Wiper: Hope you appreciate this, Bootman.[The blue energy emanates from the Wiper’s fingertips, causing a mild feedback loop that throws the Wiper against the wall. Moments later, he awakens and stands up, looking around.]The Wiper: What the hell am I doing here? I better not be missing the fight. Bound to be a good one. I just hope Raphael can pull ahead. He doesn’t seem like a such a bad guy. A bit dumb, but not too bad.[Meanwhile, in the Arena of the Stupid, Simon McCockindale engulfs himself in energy, speeding himself up to the point where he cannot be seen. Shoshy Raphael nervously looks around.]Shoshy Raphael: You don’t have to do this, Simon! I know you’re a good man! Well, not a good man, per se, but you at least wouldn’t kill someone without good reason![Shoshy Raphael feels a fist ram into his face, and then Simon McCockindale reappears.]Simon McCockindale: I do ‘ave a good reason. ‘E told me to.[Simon McCockindale gestures to the Stupid, who hovers above the happenings, and then vanishes once again. Shoshy Raphael points his dragon ring at the ground and a ring of fire appears, but a gust of wind causes the fire to burn quickly and then die.]Shoshy Raphael: Oh, damn. I suppose I’m in too far to try the half-wit card? The Stupid: You were in too far during your first event. Now? You might as well be walking on the sun.Shoshy Raphael: What does that even mean?[ The Stupid doesn’t answer as Simon McCockindale appears briefly try to seize Shoshy Raphael’s dragon ring. Shoshy Raphael pulls his hand back and shoves it into his pocket, then takes two steps back. He pulls a telescopic cane out of his other pocket and uses his ring to engulf it in flames. He spins it around, randomly thrusting it at the air.] The Stupid: Don’t forget, Raphael, you have to talk him out of it. If you knock him out, you lose!Shoshy Raphael: I lose the event, but not my life. An even trade, I think. The Stupid: That’s what you think.Shoshy Raphael: You utter bastard. Oh well, I can handle this! Simon! Can you hear me?[Another blow to the face is Simon McCockindale’s response. Shoshy Raphael puts his hand to his cheek, which is beginning to swell.]Shoshy Raphael: Good, good! What does your monkey think about all of this?[Monkey sits on the sidelines and shrugs.]Shoshy Raphael: I shall have to get you to remember the good times! Like when we attempted to take over the world with the Charleston Death Ray! Remember that?Simon McCockindale: No.Shoshy Raphael: Well, it happened! You found me in a burning crater in Africa, remember that? We had matching rings, and became the best of friends, or at least very good acquaintances! We knew each other, at the very least, and you swore you’d never kill me because an evil entity told you to!Simon McCockindale: I did?Shoshy Raphael: Yes! Yes, you did! The Stupid: He’s lying! Finish him!Shoshy Raphael: Come now, are you going to listen to someone who has called himself things like the Dean of Deceit and the Prince of Lies, or someone who claims to be an old friend?Simon McCockindale: Were we really pals?Shoshy Raphael: Oh yes!Simon McCockindale: Well… I guess I can’t be killin’ a friend.[The Stupid’s influence is removed, and Simon McCockindale is back to his old self.]Simon McCockindale: Well, then… when is the event goin’ to start? The Stupid: You’ve bested my challenge, so technically you win the match. Let’s give Purga a by next round, shall we?Shoshy Raphael: I should have expected —[The Animajor dashes in and slides to a stop in front of Shoshy Raphael.]The Animajor: What are you doing?Shoshy Raphael: About to be killed, it looks like.The Animajor: Not you! Him! The Stupid: You dare question your master, the source of your powers?The Animajor: Yes! You’ve probably been lying to me this whole time, as well as lying to the Righteous Smidgen!Shoshy Raphael: He’s here? The Stupid: Quiet! Both of you!The Animajor: NO! I’m through being quiet, through being your pet! I’m taking Shoshy and the Smidgen and getting out of here! The Stupid: Not without powers, you aren’t![The Animajor drops to his knees, body ablaze with escaping energy. Suddenly, the energy stops, and slowly attempts to work its way back into the Animajor’s body. Simon McCockindale is pointing his ring at the young man, grimacing.] The Stupid: Et tu, Simon?Simon McCockindale: I know I’m a pick-pocket and gentleman thief, but you ain’t never killed your own men before. This don’t seem right, beggin’ your pardon. The Stupid: Pardon not granted! You’ll die, next!Amazing Rando: I think not! Nothing up my sleeve, but… a-ha![Amazing Rando runs down the steps and leaps over the wall and onto the Arena floor. With a flourish, he starts shooting water at the Stupid.] The Stupid: No! I won’t allow this!Guy Magistro: You will allow what we demand! The Stupid: Oh, COME ON![Guy Magistro starts chucking eggs at the Stupid, each bursting with magicks. He raises himself on a pillar of earth in order to aim better.]Guerdon Trueblood: I may hate all of you, but the Nantucket Dragon Group will stand together once again![Guerdon Trueblood removes his longbow from its quiver and uses his dragon ring to increase the momentum of each arrow. They hit the Stupid, but do absolutely no damage.]Shoshy Raphael: Well, boys! I think it’s time we summon an old friend! Fire!Guy Magistro: Earth!Guerdon Trueblood: Air!Amazing Rando: Water!Simon McCockindale: Energy![Baggy Satan disappears from his seat in the stands and appears above the Nantucket Dragon Group. He looks at them, face filled with anger. This also had the adverse effect of stopping Simon McCockindale’s efforts to stop the Stupid from siphoning away the Animajor’s powers. The young man falls to the ground. Monkey drags him to the side of the Arena.]Baggy Satan: What the bloody ‘ell are you blokes doing? I don’t be wanting no part of this!Shoshy Raphael: Use your demon powers to smite the Stupid!Baggy Satan: Have you gone mental? He’s evil! Anyt’ing I try and do to him won’t do nothing!Shoshy Raphael: I see! In that case, we must away! And don’t tell him where you send us!Baggy Satan: You’re daft!Shoshy Raphael: Stop complaining and just do it![Baggy Satan sighs and, with a flick of his demonic wrist, teleports the five members of the Nantucket Dragon Group away, along with the Animajor and Monkey.] The Stupid: Are you going to stand against me, too, Baggy Satan?Baggy Satan: I may be daft, but I ain’t bloody mental. The Stupid: Hold on, what the hell am I going to do for the next round?Baggy Satan: You’ll think o’ somet’ing, right enough. The Stupid: It’s still aggravating.[Meanwhile, half a world away, the Nantucket Dragon Group appear on Motley Shakespeare’s train.]Shoshy Raphael: Well! That was fun!Simon McCockindale: What should we do with this bloke?Shoshy Raphael: Oh. Poor boy. There should be a sleeping car somewhere around here. Put him there. I’m sure he’ll feel better after a rest.Amazing Rando: What’s our next move?Shoshy Raphael: Isn’t it obvious? If we defeat the Embodiment of Evil, we shall take his place! All that our hearts desire will be ours for the taking! Gentlemen, we shall destroy the Stupid!

[All participants and spectators are gathered in front of the stage, where Lamp Prime, who has dimmed himself for the occasion, is standing beside a wall with several photos upon it. Two-thirds of the crowd are silent, hats off and faces down-turned. Another third have obviously been having a party, and have half-full glasses of champagne and half-empty bottles of beer about their persons. Oddly, this split is not by alignment, as many champions of Deity Guy and the Stupid just couldn’t resist a party, most notably Tommo (better known to the world at large as T-Bone of Danger Force) and his compatriots. Agent Man-In-Charge has also been drinking, though his reasons are his own. Suddenly, the skies turn dark and Deity Guy and the Stupid erupt from them, coming down in a crackle of electricity. Pikapunk is nearly struck by an errant bolt, but he swiftly and nervously side-steps it. As the other two Embodiments take the stage, Lamp Prime turns to them.]Lamp Prime: Really, guys? Really? This is supposed to be a solemn occasion.Deity Guy: Sorry for wanting to liven things up a bit.Lamp Prime: It’s a memorial service!Deity Guy: Meh.Lamp Prime: Can’t you take anything seriously?[Deity Guy is already holding a half-full bottle of tequila with a lamp-shade on his head. Lamp Prime sighs and turns to the gathered masses.]Lamp Prime: As you all know, in the last round we experienced several losses. We are gathered here to mourn these fallen, and to celebrate their lives. Balthazar Scorpius, also known as the Mastakat, was slain on a trip to the Nightmare Realm. We really should have seen something like that coming, but it was still an unfortunate occurrence and he shall be missed.Doctor Aquarius: I thought that was some sort of time clone?Lamp Prime: It was, so he’s still alive and living his life, but that specific Mastakat is dead now.Doctor Aquarius: The real one is still alive, though? The one who has been a compatriot of Mister Leopolous and myself for decades? Who has a wife and children?Lamp Prime: Yes! The real one is still alive!Doctor Aquarius: In that case, I doubt anyone really cares that the other one’s dead. In that era, he was quite obnoxious.Lamp Prime: Moving on. Charlie Charleston delighted us all with his incessant dancing of the Charleston and continuous claims of being better than us. While he seemed to have gone crazy during his final days of life, we shall try to remember him as he was, not for how he died.Charlie Charleston: Charleston, charleston, da da da da Charlie Charleston… I just won’t stay dead!Lamp Prime: Oh, for the love of…Charlie Charleston: I learned my lesson! If I mess with Mister Lucky and Agent Villain, then I die! Not like I haven’t died before, mind you, but that was the pits!Dick Douglas: Even if you were still dead, no one would be sad, you hack! Pardon my french, but you’re a pain in the rear!Lamp Prime: Okay. So no one cares that a duplicate of the Mastakat is dead, and Charlie Charleston is still alive.Charlie Charleston: Not still alive, alive again! [singing to the tune of the Charleston once again] Heaven doesn’t want me, Hell don’t either! I just won’t stay dead!Lamp Prime: Fine. Then this memorial service is just for —[Lamp Prime is interrupted by a disembodied singer that, before this moment, only Mister Lucky could hear.]Theme Song Guy: Wuh wuh-wuh wuh wuh wuh-wuh wuh! There goes Mister Lucky, going straight to Hell. Where he buried all the children, he’ll never ever tell. There goes Mister Lucky! Dead and gone for good. No one will ever miss him — and no one ever should.[As quickly as the voice arrived, it disappears.]Lamp Prime: Er, yes. Thank you for that. As I was saying, I guess this memorial service is just for Mister Lucky. Unless he’s still alive, too.[A figure emerges from the audience, wearing Mister Lucky’s signature hated bowler hat and glasses.]Fake Fred: Hey Barn, it’s me, Mister Lurky! I’m not dead!Lamp Prime: Well then —Agent Villain: Hold on, hold on. I need to have a word with… Mister Lucky.[Agent Villain drags Fake Fred off to the side, far away from prying ears.]Lamp Prime: No doubt Agent Villain is overjoyed to see his friend back. I guess we’ll wait to continue until they come back.Deity Guy: Boring. You there! And you! You’re putting on “Lady Windemere’s Fan” for us![The two beings chosen, Guerdon Trueblood and Baco, appear on the stage.]Baco: I don’t know “Lady Windemere’s Fan”!Guerdon Trueblood: I refuse to make an ass of myself for the amusement of the white man![Scripts appear in Baco’s… proxmity and Guerdon Trueblood‘s hands.]Deity Guy: Then this should make for a most interesting interpretation![Meanwhile, in the empty locker room of the Arena of the Stupid.]Agent Villain: What the hell are you doing?Fake Fred: You wanted me to be Mister Lucky, so I’m being Mister Lucky.Agent Villain: That was when Mister Lucky was still alive. He’s dead now, so you don’t have to pretend to be him anymore.Fake Fred: Then who should I be?Agent Villain: I don’t care. Just not Mister Lucky.Fake Fred: All right, Barn.Agent Villain: Now get back out there. I’ll be ten steps behind.[Fake Fred leaves the locker room, and Agent Villain turns towards a corner.]Agent Villain: I don’t know your game, but you want to play? We’ll play.[Agent Villain leaves the room, and as he makes his way to the stage, he hears Fake Fred talking.]Fake Fred: …and that’s why Mister Lusty had to go back to his home planet. I, Ensign Hero, am sad to see him go but —[Agent Villain, standing off-stage out of view of everyone else, is waving his arms madly, shaking his head, and mouthing obscenities at Fake Fred. Fake Fred sees him out of the corner of his eye, and continues.]Fake Fred: — I have to go do some hero things. On my own home planet.The Stupid: You’ll be back for your next event, right?Fake Fred: I sure will, Barn.[Fake Fred leaves the stage and Agent Villain grabs him by the shoulders. The stilted line-reading of Guerdon Trueblood: can be heard coming from the stage, as well as Baco’s tearful attempts to carry on.]Agent Villain: I’m off limits.Fake Fred: I didn’t know, Barn.Agent Villain: If I ever catch you posing as me again without me telling you to do so, which I’ll never do, you know what I’ll do. I’ve only put up with you for this long because you’re useful to me. Stop being useful, and stop being alive. Got it?Fake Fred: You sure are cross, Barn. I get it, though. No more being Mister Lucky and no being you. Who should I be?Agent Villain: I. Don’t. Care.Fake Fred: If you say so, Barn.[Fake Fred walks off, no doubt in order to ponder his next move. Agent Villain attempts to return to the crowd, but he is seen by Lamp Prime.]Lamp Prime: Ah! Agent Villain! Why don’t you come up here and say a few words about your dear friend?Agent Villain: No. He wasn’t my friend. I hated him and I’m the one who really killed him.Lamp Prime: Hey, champ, it’s okay. I know you’re angry with yourself and feel guilty because you couldn’t save him, but that’s not true. You did all that you could. Now come on up![Agent Villain feels an unseen force propel him onto the stage from behind. He assumes that it’s Lamp Prime’s telekinesis. Baco rushes off the stage, thanking Agent Villain profusely through tears. Guerdon Trueblood simply exits the stage. A podium and microphone appear in front of Agent Villain. He turns to the Stupid, who shrugs and rolls his eyes. With a deep sigh, he begins to speak.]Agent Villain: Mister Lucky is dead.Elvin Clovar: I thought he just went back to his home planet? Also, that you went back to your own planet, too?Player One: Don’t be dumb. That was obviously a skit to add a little levity to this thing. Mister Lucky probably isn’t an alien, and I’m pretty sure Agent Villain isn’t, either.Elvin Clovar: If it was a skit, then who put it on?[Player One ponders this for a moment, then points to Agent Seven-In-One.]Player One: He’s a master of disguise! It’d be child’s play for him to masquerade as Lucky and Villain.[Elvin Clovar’s brow furrows.]Elvin Clovar: Point to you, One. Point to you.[With that, Agent Villain continues and no one ever mentions the “skit” again.]Agent Villain: Mister Lucky is dead. I’m glad he’s dead. He’s been a thorn in my side for decades, and you know what? I’m glad I’m the one who killed that over-rated do-gooding moron. Yeah, Charleston did something to the death-trap. You think Mister Lucky couldn’t get out of something like that, though? That sort of thing is like a Tuesday afternoon for him. He could have saved a dozen snot-nosed little brats with stupid elf-hats and himself. So is he really dead? Yeah. Yeah, he is. Because I stabbed him. And like I said, I’m glad he’s dead.[The crowd is silent for a moment, and Agent Villain scowls at them, defiantly angry. As he’s about to leave the stage, one man begins to clap in the back of the crowd. One by one, the clap is taken up by other members of the crowd, and soon everyone is applauding Agent Villain’s speech. He stares at them, eyes wide in amazement at their stupidity. Somewhere, a pan-pipe begins to play. Agent Villain seizes the microphone again.]Agent Villain: Morons! You’re all morons![This simply results in more cheering. Agent Villain throws down the microphone and angrily leaves the stage.]Lamp Prime: A touching tribute from Agent Villain. It’s not what you said, but how you said it. Your mock anger does little to mask your grief, you know. And believe me when I say that there was nothing more you could do to save Mister Lucky. Now then, the next round is going to commence shortly. You’ll find the updated brackets in your programs. Please try not to kill anyone. Does anyone have any questions?[Hundreds of hands shoot to the sky.]Lamp Prime: About the events.[Hundreds of hands drop. Only two stay up.]Lamp Prime: You! In the hat!Scoop Griswald: Scoop Griswald, Detroit Free Press, Student Learning program. What do you know about the Moonman Marauder?Lamp Prime: Who? I don’t think he’s even here. We didn’t bring him.Scoop Griswald: Ah, so he exists! Is he actually from the moon?Lamp Prime: I’m guessing not.Scoop Griswald: I smell a cover-up!Tom Phillipson: Hmm. Let’s talk.Lamp Prime: Okay, enough from you. Any other questions?[The remaining hand raised belongs to a villain known as the Wiper. Beside him is a man covered in blackness in a giant green boot.]The Wiper: What’s this about a Meekrat Peacekeeping Group? I mean, I ain’t done nothing so bad as to need the intergalactic fuzz on my back. All I do is wipe minds, and only then when I’m gettin’ paid.[Deity Guy’s eye bulges with rage, but Lamp Prime somehow fixes him with a calming scowl.]Lamp Prime: Why don’t you get this, Stupid?The Stupid: Listen, there’s no such thing as Meekrat. Crazy old man and all that.The Wiper: You sure? I got enough on my plate without worryin’ about whether or not Bootman and I are gonna get put in some space pokey.Bootman: I’ll give ’em the boot, I will!The Wiper: Calm down. Do you have to do that wherever we go?The Stupid: I swear that there’s no Meekrat. There is, however, an entire army of super-heroes and various do-gooders here. Why aren’t you worried about them?[The Wiper and many other villains look around, shocked. Whispers about the super-heroes working with Meekrat start to form, and many of them fix glares upon the Meerkat, who glances around nervously. Needless to say, absolutely no one is convinced by the Stupid’s claims.]Lamp Prime: All right. If there are no more questions, let the third round commence![Everyone begins to leave.]Lamp Prime: You two, stay. We have to discuss something.[Deity Guy and the Stupid turn.]Deity Guy: What?[Lamp Prime fixes a stealth bubble around the three, allowing no sound to travel in or out.]Lamp Prime: We need to talk about the final event. At the time, it seemed like a really good idea, but then people started dying.Azrael: Only one of those three really mattered.[Lamp Prime jumps back at the sudden appearance of Azrael, the Embodiment of Death.]Lamp Prime: Jesus Christ!Azrael: No, not him. If you want, I can have a word with my employee. Make it so that no one else can die during these events.Deity Guy: Yeah, why don’t we do that?The Stupid: NO![Deity Guy, Lamp Prime, and Azrael turn to the Stupid.]The Stupid: I mean… no. Death should have consequences, unless they defeat your reaper in a challenge or something. Isn’t that how it works?Azrael: It is, but I could cut out that middleman. You three are already taking advantage of me and my realm with your final event, what’s one more atrocity against the balance of life and death?Lamp Prime: The Stupid’s right. We can’t have you cut out the middleman. Things are going to get crazy enough as it is.The Stupid: So you’re still on board with the final event, and what we’re going to have to do? Both of you?Azrael: Of course. You guys are still coming to my after-party?[The other three Embodiments mumble non-committally.]Azrael: Okay, just let me know, because if not the only one who’ll be there is Barry and if that’s the case I can write it off as a work expense.[Azrael vanishes.]Deity Guy: Work expense?The Stupid: You know how he is. What about you, Lamp? Are you still on board?[Lamp Prime thinks for a moment and dims his bulb even further, for him the equivalent of closing his eyes.]Lamp Prime: Yes. Yes, I am.The Stupid: Excellent. See you two for round three, then.[The Stupid and Deity Guy vanish, no doubt to their first events. Lamp Prime lingers for a moment, looking at the picture of Mister Lucky.]Lamp Prime: Well, Lucky, not sure why you had to die, but it sure does seem to be messing with things. For some reason, I think things are going to be crazier from here on in. More people will probably die. Well, we’ll deal with that if it happens. I’d hate to have to another memorial service, though.[The wall vanishes, and a picture of Mister Lucky appears in a small shrine outside the Hippodrome of Lamp Prime.]Lamp Prime: Well, here’s to round three. I really hope no one else dies.

[Shoshy Raphael is sitting on a bench while Guerdon Trueblood pours meat and meat-juice on him.]Shoshy Raphael: Are you sure this will help me?Guerdon Trueblood: I am one with the beasts and sky, Raphael. Do you doubt me?Shoshy Raphael: I suppose I’ve no reason to, proud Indian brave, but it just doesn’t seem like this would help.Guerdon Trueblood: Only by dousing yourself in the liquid of the animals will you be able to pass by the beasts unhindered.Shoshy Raphael: If you say so. Well, wish me luck, old friend. [Shoshy Raphael hops on his unicycle and rides off towards the bears. Guerdon Trueblood smiles for a brief moment, then becomes stoic once again. The bears are all sleeping, and the Bear Machine is silent. As Shoshy Raphael rides closer, Pizza Bear‘s nose begins to twitch and the creature wakes up and looks around, its eyes narrowing upon the incoming figure of Shoshy Raphael. Pizza Bear roars and rises, charging towards Shoshy Raphael. As he does so, Urine Ursine and the Unibear awake and let out roars of their own. The Bear Machine springs to life, and begins to chug away, its treadmill beginning to move.]Shoshy Raphael: Oh my. This won’t go well. [Pizza Bear rises on his haunches and bellows, swiping at Shoshy Raphael as the man unicycles around the bear-shaped mound of moldy pizza. Shoshy Raphael rubs his dragon ring for good luck, then aims it carefully at the Pizza Bear. After circiling each other for several minutes, Shoshy Raphael looses a fireball, destroying Pizza Bear‘s upper half. It immediately begins to regenerate, but Shoshy Raphael is on his way. Urine Ursine and the Unibear come towards him warily, and he aims his ring. It sparks and fizzles out.]Shoshy Raphael: Oh, damn the luck! [Shoshy Raphael speeds up towards the bear, and Urine Ursine lunges at the unicyclist. Shoshy Raphael narrowly dodges, and swerves as the Unibear falls towards him, spittle forming at the corners of the bear’s mouth and claws waving furiously at the air. Urine Ursine and the Unibear fall into each other in a flurry of teeth and claws. Shoshy Raphael allows himself a slight smile, and rides forward. The only obstacle left is the Bear Machine, but as Shoshy Raphael approaches, the device chugs faster and faster. Suddenly, bears begin spilling off its treadmill, all angry and confused and coming towards Shoshy Raphael, who stinks of meat. Shoshy Raphael circles, trying to figure out what to do. He shakes his ring, and as the mass of bears stampede towards him, drool hanging from their mouths, he turns and sees the Unibear, Pizza Bear, and Urine Ursine charging towards him. Shoshy Raphael aims his ring at the ground and circles quickly. Once he has gained enough speed, he looses another fireball at the ground and flies into the air, over the bears, dripping meat juice. He lands on the other side of the Bear Machine and pedals furiously towards the wall. Once he touches it, the bears and Bear Machine vanish. The Stupid appears.]The Stupid: A masterful job, Shoshy!Shoshy Raphael: Thank you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have a word with my associate, and then several showers.

[Purga the Demon-Thing and Guerdon Trueblood are standing in what appears to be a farmyard with two small dogs on their backs, sitting in specially designed harnesses. The dogs look quite worried, while Purga the Demon-Thing and Guerdon Trueblood simply look angry. El Presidente is standing by, giggling, with a flag.]El Presidente: Okay, go when I wave the flag! Ready? Go! [waves the flag]
[Guerdon Trueblood starts running, but Purga the Demon-Thing yawns and spreads his wings.]Purga the Demon-Thing: You failed to mention the win conditions.Elvin Clovar: The Embodiments have notoriously forgotten to mention win conditions many times over these events, and- [Purga the Demon-Thing smacks Elvin Clovar to the ground.]El Presidente: Well, I guess if you make it to that scarecrow over there first, you win.Purga the Demon-Thing: I see. [Purga the Demon-Thing flaps his leathery wings and takes to the air, then dives towards the ground and pulls up, speeding towards the scarecrow. As he passes Guerdon Trueblood, the dog on Guerdon’s back yelps and tries to get away.]Guerdon Trueblood: Do not make me spill my dog! [The dog escapes and Guerdon Trueblood sighs heavily and pulls out a bow and arrow, and shoots it through its neck. Meanwhile, Purga the Demon-Thing reaches the scarecrow. He looks up and sees El Presidente kneeling over the dead dog, with Guerdon Trueblood standing over him, arms crossed and unrepentant.]Purga the Demon-Thing: I’ve won the contest! Hello? Are you even listening to me? [Purga the Demon-Thing huffs and releases the harness. It falls to the ground and the dog runs off. El Presidente has now started yelling at Guerdon Trueblood, who is impassive. The Stupid appears in a puff of darkness.]The Stupid: Congratulations. Not only did you win the contest, but you made those two hate each other.Purga the Demon-Thing: Of course. Bring on the next challenger, I’m feeling rather energetic.

The Stupid: Ah, Purga! How nice of you to join me!Purga the Demon-Thing: It’s not as if I had much of a choice.The Stupid: I know. You’ll be facing Guerdon Trueblood today.Guerdon Trueblood: Greetings. You are a devil, but not a white one. I will not scalp you, yet.Purga the Demon-Thing: Yes. What are we going to do?The Stupid: El Presidente?El Presidente: Haw-ha! Okay, so one of the things I’ve always wanted to do is get these two little dogs and have them joust using these two big dogs, like great danes or Irish wolf-hounds or something. So what I think is that-Purga the Demon-Thing: You want us to ride large dogs?Guerdon Trueblood: No! YOU TOOK MY LAND!El Presidente: I think that the little dogs should ride you two!Purga the Demon-Thing: Who are you?El Presidente: I’m the leader of the Infarious Eleven!Purga the Demon-Thing: Which is?El Presidente: A group of super-criminals based in Tiffin, OH!Purga the Demon-Thing: And there’s eleven of you?The Stupid: There is him, Doctor Aquarius-Purga the Demon-Thing: How is he?The Stupid: Better. The Armani Yeti, the Gemini Twin Troopers, Piano Man, Indiana Ernie, and Ramses Bert.Purga the Demon-Thing: Even considering how there’s three Gemini Twin Troopers, that’s nowhere near eleven. Impressive, though.The Stupid: He thought it sounded good.Purga the Demon-Thing: All right.Guerdon Trueblood: I will let the dog ride me as my ancestors rode the buffalo before the white man raped them all.El Presidente: Mise! Let’s go!