Draft Grandma!

“What do you mean you’re out of butterscotch candies? That’s bullshit!”

If you’ve ridden the red-hot highway that is the Internet (vroom) in the past few weeks, you’ve seen the army amassing its troops. It’s not the U.S. Army, or the French (snicker); it’s the movement to get “Saturday Night Live” to have Betty White host. The Facebook page that started it currently has over 450,000 fans.

Reports have it that SNL is considering this, but would have her appear as part of a “Women of Comedy” night, including, rumors say, maybe Molly Shannon, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

Aw, isn’t that nice of them? To give ladies a chance to be funny? You know, men aren’t half-bad. Forget that the two most recent stars to hit it big post-SNL are women (Amy and Tina, holla!) and that it’s most popular current performer is Kristen Wiig.

But I can deal with that. Comedy is a notoriously rough business for women, as evidenced by my male peers’ reception to my 2008 comedy tour entitled “Why Won’t You Have a Baby With Me, Boy Is Anyone Else’s Bra Killing Them?”. Their responses? Jokes about masturbating!

What DOES irk me is the ageism of it. So, maybe 88-year-old White, goddess of screens large and small, might not be able to carry a 90-minute show. But consider some of the people that SNL has determined are totally capable of hosting duties: Megan Fox, any athlete, Stevan Seagal, M.C. Hammer, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and Ron Nessen (press secretary for President Gerald Ford).

And what does Betty White have? Only six Emmys and generations of fans.

Instead of pairing her with younger women, how bout SNL gives older women their due? Here is my proposed cast for Old Broads of Comedy, in addition to White:

Teri Garr. 65. That’s not really old, except in Hollywood, which is a creepy place anyway. Uttered the timeless phrase “Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.” Pretty hilarious as an actual, real person.

I realize not all of these ladies might be able to run through skits and crap, but I’d wager an hour and a half of these four sitting around, talking shit and waxing sassy, would be better than 99.8% of SNL episodes. I think I just created a new show. I’ll call it “Platinum Ladies.”