A real-life D/s couple, together for more than ten years, discuss what it's like to live the "lifestyle" in real life, long term, from both points of view. Techniques, interactions, product reviews and events will be featured, as well as essays on life as we know it.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Weekend Musings: Where is the Love?

For me the love that I share with my girl is so integral to our relationship sometimes I'm surprised when people talk about their BDSM relationships that are so casual. I don't know if I could do the same kind of things casually that I do in a committed relationship.

Is love a requirement for D/s or M/s to work?

Before I started learning I would have said 'yes' because that was my own experience. I just couldn't do this if I didn't care about the other person - maybe love was too strong of a word, but I wouldn't collar/own a person that I didn't love. Of course I started doing the Gorean thing, so that puts me in kind of a different boat. I really knew nothing about BDSM in general until I got more serious with my current slave, so after her I haven't had any other relationships.

From how I see things now ... yeah I can see it working for D/s, but I still can't see 'part time' M/s. I guess this will depend on where you draw the line and how you distinguish these kind of labels.

Just so you know where I'm coming from -- (Keep in mind these are off the cuff personal definitions and are in no way meant to label anyone else or enforce my views on other people)

I define D/s as either a part time, or casual relationship. Both parties have requirements and get together to 'play'. Play can extend over long periods of time. Couples who classify themselves as 'vanilla' part of the time fit in here with me as well. Like they're putting on a role and 'doing' something at the time.

I define M/s as a long term committed relationship. People who likely live together, or at least see each other regularly. These people don't 'turn off' or begin 'play' sessions - when they are together they are 'inside' their M/s dynamic.

So from my above definitions you can see how D/s might fit into a more casual 'I care about you' or 'friendship' kind of relationship.

I still can't separate long term intimacy and 'love' though. I suppose I don't see an M/s relationship as existing without intimacy, because of everything that is entails. Complete surrender on the part of the submissive and complete control on the part of the Dominant. In that type of relationship the communication and caring has to be strong on both sides just to survive.

Maybe I should say a 'long term' M/s relationship requires love - so many relationships burn out quickly that perhaps that is the secret for long term happiness.

Does romance hurt the dynamic?

Well - no. I suppose if I didn't care if she was happy then I wouldn't care about romance. I'm not sure what 'hurt' is caused by me liking to see her smile. If a romantic gesture accomplishes that smile what is the problem? Does she come to expect those things? I would hope not, though if she gave me a hard time because I didn't do something romantic we might be having a discussion - this doesn't include things that are important for other reasons (anniversaries, birthdays, etc).

I suppose this is where I have put another disclaimer. I feel this way because I believe it is my job to take care of her (both mentally and physically), and not just use her for my own benefit. Part of my role is controlling and guiding, and part of it is care-taking. I suppose this makes it easier for me to give her what she 'wants' - but really if there isn't a benefit for me in denying her something, what is the true point? Just because I can? Yeah I do that, but not all the time, that's just silly.

What is love really?

Love is when you care enough about someone that their happiness is just as important as your own. In this way making them happy and fulfilling them makes you happy and fulfills you in return.

Love also involves trust. M/s relationships revolve around trust. Love requires communication - so do M/s relationships. You can see where I'm going with this ... things are so integral that it's natural to have them together.

What is love to me?

We have been through rough spots in our lives. Because I love her I've been there for her and together we've been able to work through things. I feel that together we are stronger than we would be apart.

I have a lover, a friend, someone to care for me when I'm sick or down, someone to encourage me and keep me on track - in many ways I have a partner that will share my life with me.

Does this affect our M/s Relationship?

Duh. But I believe it affects it in a positive way, not a negative one. She knows her place in our relationship, and if she pushed it I'd still be 'strong' enough to show her. I don't think being in love weakens your dominance, it can only make it stronger (more tools in the toolbox).

Just to finish with a romantic gesture - I wouldn't trade our lives for anything.

2 comments:

When I firs began reading about ttwd, I found something that claimed love interfered with a Masters ability to Dominate. I actually spent a lot of time thinking about that lol. And over the years I have decided that it was a crock. Because love is such an integral and strengthening part of the relationship. And who wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone who doesn't love them anyways?Interesting post.