Sunday, December 10, 2006

Baby Makes Three

News of Mary Cheney’s pregnancy has the nation talking. Such a high profile lesbian having a baby must be giving the far right wing many nightmarish nights. Those on the left can only see Mary Cheney as a colossal hypocrite. She has a lot of nerve after spending so much time working for a campaign that undermined the rights of people just like her to have children.

For me, though, I am just horrified at the idea of any Cheney reproducing again. Obviously, notions of eugenics scare me. In the case of the Cheneys, though, I might make an exception. As a nation, can’t we say that family should just end with the current generation? How much more evil must we endure?

Some argue, though, that such a public right-wing figure having a baby in a same-sex family does the whole queer population some good. Indeed, Mary currently has several nominations for Joe.My.God’s Queer of the Year. If you think that there are other queer folk more deserving of this honor, amble on over to Joe’s and submit a nomination by December 15.

As for me, you know how I get. Though Mary lacks basic human decency, I still think that all queer folk need to support each other. As distasteful as it is, we can’t just disown Mary from our ranks . . . Can we? Seriously, I am asking. Is that possible? Maybe some sort of petition? Or a legal ruling that would prevent her from calling herself a lesbian? Can we trademark that term?

Of course, I kid. In the non-sectarian, non-denominational spirit of the winter holidays, I want to help Mary plan for her new baby. Therefore, here is a potential gift list that will cater to the specific needs of the Cheney-Poe baby:

Baby wipes – You can never have too many.

Extra blankets

Packages of onesies – I hear from parents that you go through tons of these, what with all of the vomiting and shitting. Why does anybody ever want a baby?

Terrycloth mother substitute from the Harry Harlow monkey experiments – Lord knows with a mother as cold and soulless as Mary Cheney, that child is going to need something warm to hold.

The complete Curious George set. This isn’t really for the baby, but to keep Uncle Georgie Bush entertained when he visits.

Thank you note from all the other children born at the exact same time expressing their gratitude for not having ended up as the grandchild of Dick Cheney.

Extra cases of formula. Breast-milk is usually best, but would you want to put your lips on Mary Cheney’s nipple? Think of the child’s basic human rights.

The number for Christina Crawford’s literary agent. Tell me that this baby’s life won’t be a NBC telemovie in thirty years.

Gift certificates for plastic surgery. Would you want to look like a Cheney?

Get-out-of-jail-free-card to smack Mary around if his or her name includes the word “Coors.” Ditto if it includes the words “George,” “Walker,” or “Bush.” Why not just name the baby Adolf and be done with it?

Baby monitor – Well, come to think of it, that might not be necessary. Alberto Gonzáles probably has the whole house wired up. He can just come over when he hears a crisis.

Multiple orange vests to prevent being mistaken for a quail by a certain grandfather.

Snoopy sheet set.

Round-the-clock tutors. If this child’s intelligence comes from the rest of the Cheneys, it’s going to be one dumb little monkey. Let’s hope that Mary paid a few extra bucks for some Noble-Prize winning sperm.

Written guarantees that this baby is not actually property of Halliburton or one of its subsidiaries.

Flash cards so that the baby can learn the tiny differences between its grandfather and Penguin, Batman's archenemy.

Court-ordered weekends with a well adjusted lesbian couple. This baby, after all, will want to be around healthy queers and surely appreciate the time away from crazy Mary and Heather.

Baby’s “My First Ethically Questionable Act” photo frame.

Pre-filled out paperwork to change her or his last name upon reaching adulthood. Who would want to be a Cheney? Save the child some work when he or she is eighteen.

Photo albums of the happy times in the United States before the baby's grandfather screwed over the nation.

A well-reasoned explanation about why he or she had to be born into a political family that made the Kennedy’s look downright normal.

Snake repellent, in case Condoleezza Rice drops by unexpectedly.

A copy of the book Heather Has Two Mommies. Alternatively, you can substitute Lynn Cheney’s lesbian erotica Sisters.

Twenty million dollars from Concerned Women for America for making this baby’s life an unpleasant living hell. Isn’t being a Cheney enough of a burden? Why do the Christian nuts have to make it even worse.

A fresh copy of the U.S. Constitution with the basic civil rights guarantees highlighted. Heck, somebody in that family should have one.

A t-shirt with the statement, “I am not self-hating, but my moms are.”

Baby Wipes are apparently good for much more than a potential gift for Mary Cheney. Scott on the blog Bill in Exile reports that the considerate and responsible gay man who wants to be completely fresh for a lover or fb who enjoys rimming will find a baby wipe to be the ultimate in male hygiene.

I don't get this all this hate for Mary Cheney. Wow, she's a lesbian who happens to be the daughter of the VP. Republicans support a lot of ideas that have nothing to do homosexuality.

Kicking Cheney "out of our ranks" is just ridiculous. For one thing, let's not pretend gays are some highly-evolved group of progressive thinkers ready to roll America into a new realm of enlightenment. At the end of the day, we're subject to the same flaws and shortcomings that all people are. Second of all, it seems that all Mary Cheney has done to upset the gay community is not be as outspoken as they'd like. Geez, let the woman live her life and get off her nuts.

Rather than track down where they have registered all these wonderful baby gift ideas, I think I might make a donation to an organization that actually works to advance our rights, like Equality Maryland, in the baby's honor.

Chad: Does anybody actually take Sullivan seriously anymore? Nowadays he seems to have an audience just for being a freak-show.

DykeWife: It was a tough call with Burgess Meredith. After all, I didn't even like the DeVito version. In the end, I agree with JPDC, he was just creepier.

Will Good to know. I hear they make adult versions, though, that are actually flushable (unlike baby wipes).

Chris: Or, people just use tongues...

Torn: Well, nobody can compete with Brittany and her lack of panties.

Seeker: I think the cat is out of the box . . . or something.

Cooper: That's no joke -- the baby needs those vests.

Laura Elizabeth: I think the baby is due in the Spring. We will probably know because of the usual signs when a Cheney is born: there will be a solar eclipse and horses will start eating each other.

Antonio: Fair enough -- Though I was only, you know, joking about getting rid of Mary Cheney. Relax a bit -- CoG ain't that deep. It's just a blog.

Still, Mary Cheney made herself a target by doing things that harm real life gay people. Claims that she is just an "average woman" don't ring true.

While Mary says that she isn't involved in queer politics, she has long made a career out of being a lesbian. First, she went to work for Coors as the GLBT liaison. As far as I can tell, her job was to convince queer people to drink Coors beer despite the company's dark history of homophobic actions. She happily undermined an on-going queer boycott of the company.

Next, she did not simply sit on the sidelines while her father won elections based on the hatred of gays. Mary actively worked for that campaign.

Finally, she wrote a book to maintain her visibility in the public eye. In that book, she attacked queer activists who have actually done the work that allows Mary to be able to acknowledge that she is a lesbian at all.

Mary Cheney is not simply living a quiet life and trying to get by within a homophobic nation. She has had a personal hand in maintaining, or even increasing, the homophobia in the nation. If she doesn't like being held accountable for her actions, then she should have thought about other queer folk beyond herself for a change.

VUBOQ: That's a jolly idea. Or, in lieu of that, you could donate to Planned Parenthood.

Antonio & GP, please also note that Aunt Mary didn't just actively work for the campaign the way anyone would for their parent. She was a PAID employee. Six figures to advance an agenda that surpresses all of our rights. Apparently dignity does have a purchase price for some people.

Maybe Brangelina will adopt the Cheney spawn. Then they'd have a white baby, a black baby, an Asian baby, and a Republican baby. If they adopt you after that, GP, they'll have their Latino baby and They Are The World! Hot.

Mebbe we'll all get lucky and she'll realize that she wants the world to be a BETTER place for her baby. And if not, I hope baby Cheney gets to pick Granddaddy's nursing home.Oh yeah, and baby wipes are good for many things - they get ANY stain out. Keep them around for pre- AND post- clean up.

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About Me

I am a queer associate professor of Chicano Studies. Currently, I am at a major research university in Midwestern Funky Town. As a single gay man, I am just trying to figure out my life. If I can't do that, then at least I will buy some cool shoes.