Hey there kids! My name’s Cocaine! They call me that because snorting me is like snorting coca-cola and it causes a lot of pain! Even though I look like soft white powder, when you look at me really, really close I look more like a million hungry cockroaches with big jagged razor-sharp teeth! Ever try putting one of those up your nose? Ouch! But seriously, it’s worth it anyway because I’m totally cool! How about turning off those neat video games and play with me instead? I’ll take over your brain and make you do fun things you never thought of before – like putting your head under a running lawn mower or jumping in front of a train! Whoopee! Just kidding, I don’t want to play with you because you’re too ugly and stupid. Leave me alone!

Oh hi there children. My name is heroin. I don’t really know why they call me that, and I don’t care. Sorry for sounding so down, but I’m exhausted. In fact, I’m always exhausted. But that’s cool because being tired all the time is cool, I guess. Aren’t you tired? Tired of running around, playing soccer and skateboarding, climbing trees and eating yummy frozen fudge bars? I bet you are. Wouldn’t you rather lie in bed all day staring at the wall, puking up anything you tried to put in your stomach like the last time you got really sick? I knew it. So why don’t you take a needle full of me and jam it in your arm? That would be totally awesome. You know what else would be awesome? Your mom finding you cold and dead as leftover meatloaf in bed with a rubber hose tied around your arm, a syringe sticking out of your vein, and a slow trickle of blood running off your fingers and onto one of your favorite toys she bought you for Christmas. Yippie-do.

Howdy-do kidereenos! I’m booze! They call me that because that’s what everyone in the stands at your next sporting event would shout at you if you tried to play after drinking me. BOO! BOO! Can’t even hit the ball! BOO! Eh, but what do they know? FUCK THEM! Oh, um, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to shout; it’s just that I love you so much that sometimes I get a little carried away… I’m sorry. What I meant to say was that we don’t need them anyway as long as we have each other. And once we get together, we’ll stay together, because you know what I’ll do to you if you try to leave me don’t you? I’ll make you shake so hard that you throw up your spleen! But it’ll never come to that, will it? No, because you’d never play with me. Or would you? Bitch.

Hey, far out little dudes, I’m LSD… like groovy man. Chillin’ with me is as easy as one, two, three! All you gotta do is give me a little lick and you’ll be like totally on cloud nine with all your far out cartoon buddies. They’ll chase you around, smash you over the head with hammers, make you eat lit dynamite sticks and throw you off cliffs. Have you ever wondered what the feeling of falling helplessly through the high heavens towards the hard Earth below for like, what seems like forever is like? I’ll show you. I can also give you gnarly ideas, like what an eternity of guilt over killing your parents would feel like. Groovy! So give me a chance to be your friend. I’ll make you think you’re a popsicle that everyone wants to tear in half and eat for the rest of your life. Out of sight! Unless that is, you’d rather be a chicken than a jailbird.