Halloween is supposed to be a children’s holiday, but the debauchery that comes along with the occasion caters to that ornery Peter Pan inside everyone over the age of eighteen. As children we indulged on candy, and as we aged those pieces of candy corn turned into triangular shaped shots of Southern Comfort. Similarly, costumes morphed from superhero-inspired and cute to outright lewd. There is no better example of this than the attire women drape over their buxom bodies on All Hallows Eve. Halloween is really just the Slutty Super Bowl to the female species. But what do these costumes actually say about the wearer?

8 Naughty School GirlFact: Every girl has worn this outfit, whether on Halloween or while pretending to be Britney Spears.

What it says about them: A woman who wears this outfit out on Halloween is politely telling the world that she’s not a regular student, but that she’s a “naughty” one. You know what naughty girls need: to be spanked. You know what kind of guy is into spanking: a perverted one. You’ve just announced to the world thanks to your costume that you’re hoping to have a real, middle-aged math teacher come up to you and ask about the circumference of your mouth.

What it says about them: Girls who dress up like cowgirls have definitely ridden a mechanical bull in their lifetime. As girls tend to have a rule of three when it comes to sexual partners (number they tell you x 3) when it comes to mechanical bull riders/cowgirls… you automatically add 50 people to that list. They spread their legs like card tables.

6 Playboy BunnyFact: Guys will still sleep with a cute girl if she has a real tail.

What it says about them: Halloween is a night when a person can be anything other than what they really are. Choices range from heroic to iconic, yet this chick has decided to be a nude model. Really? You understand that every girl Halloween costume can have “slutty” in front of it, and of those you chose to be a “slutty” slut. Hmmm, someone takes trick or treating to a whole new level.

5 FairyFact: If you clap your hands loud enough, a stripper named Tinker Balls will show up at your house.

What it says about them: A girl who dresses up as a fairy has less creativity than the creepy white guy who wears regular clothes on Halloween and tells people that he’s dressed up as a serial killer. In fact, the only thing the girl has done is taken her pre-pubescent sister’s spandex dress and paired it with some wings. The result is the Pet Rock of the costumed community.

4 MaidFact: Mrs. Garrett from Diff’rent Strokes made you feel funny down there.

What it says about them: Once again, this is a night to be absolutely ANYTHING, and you’ve chosen to be a person who cleans toilets and knows exactly how to fold a fitted bed sheet. All those feminists didn’t burn their bras so that twenty-something women would parade around as second-class citizens with subservient costumes. But if a girl is hell-bent on polishing things, I’m sure there are tons of guys willing to present their knobs.

3 NurseFact: Any girl who dresses up as a nurse should be prepared to answer questions about erections lasting for more than four hours.

What it says about them: A naughty nurse is the first adjective/noun combination thrown out there when pockmarked porn directors are trying to break the plot in their next film entitled, Big Trouble in Little Vagina. All Halloween costumes come with a certain amount of sluttyness, nurse costumes come with a certain amount of beef injections.

2 Sex and the City (ensemble)Fact: The ugly girl in the crew is expected to don a wig and be the fire crotch, Miranda.

What it says about them: Themed costumes can be fun and clever, but this has been done to death. May we offer a slightly more unique angle to take when dressing up: Human Centipede and the City. I’d pay money to see a bunch of girls walking ass to mouth in a Manolo Blahniks, as the lead dog downs Cosmo’s to feed the rest of the socialites. Now that’s pizzazz.

1 Sarah PalinFact: Who’s Nailin’ Paylin was a more serious work than Sarah Palin’s Alaska.

What it says about them: First, are we sure we can’t add Sarah Palin to the aforementioned butt brigade? No? Fine. A woman who dresses up as Sarah Palin definitely has moxie, as she’s going to spend the whole night being cat-called by guys who have literally put their dicks in boxes. The costume is one of the few female ensembles where you actually put on clothes to pull it off, which makes it that much better as a guy when you get them off and put your Dick Cheney in her George W. Bush.

About Alec Banks...
Alec Banks is a Los Angeles based writer whose work has appeared on The Huffington Post, Deadspin, Salon, Playboy.com and many other places. He's been coming here for most of his adult life, and there she is oiling and lotioning, lotioning and oiling...smiling. He can't take this no more!