Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Many people who come to see me in psychotherapy have experienced significant losses. Sometimes they have lost someone to death, but just as commonly they are experiencing the loss of someone they love due to a divorce, a break-up, or a significant interpersonal conflict. Losses are especially difficult when you feel like it is your fault. This is why losing someone to suicide or to death following a significant argument is especially devastating. Even if you know intellectually you did not cause the loss, the heart is not so easily convinced.

Sometimes, we do not actually lose a person in our lives but experience the loss of ideals, dreams and hopes. For example, most parents dream of conceiving a healthy child and so experience grief when they cannot conceive or when their child is born with medical or developmental problems. Life is not infinitely long. It is not unusual for people to seek therapy in their 40s or 50s when they realize that their personal or professional dreams are no longer possible.

In the face of loss, most of us want to hold on. We don't want to believe the person we love or a beloved dream is truly gone. We can't believe it and we may refuse to believe it. It is not unusual for me to meet with someone who is sure that a past romantic relationship is not over, despite much evidence to the contrary. The "Parent Trap" may be an old movie, but the hope of divorced parents reuniting is ever new. One of the more difficult parts of my job is informing parents that their child has a significant mental illness. Almost always, the immediate reaction is for the parents to deny or minimize the problem. And I get it. No wants wants to experience loss.

Time of loss can be times of fluctuation or even deepening in the realm of faith and spirituality. For believers in God, It is not unusual to feel abandoned or punished in the wake of a significant loss. Nicholas Wolterstorff, in Lament of a Son and C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed have chronicled their personal spiritual walks as Christians through significant personal losses.

How then do we go on? Where does hope come from? I wish it were easy. The truth is that walking authentically through your pain and coming eventually to accept the loss is the only way forward. Grieving is especially intense when you have no one to talk to or feel that no one understands. Sometimes, as a therapist, my most important job is simply to be there when someone is telling the story of their loss. Support groups can also be helpful. For example, one group I have especially appreciated for adult survivors of suicide is LOSS. In the northern suburbs of Chicago, Willow House offers many groups for grieving children.

If you are experiencing a significant loss right now, I am truly sorry. Blessings and peace to you in your journey.