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The Balancing Act: Rethinking Romanticism

I’ve recently experienced horrible responses offline to me expressing somewhat pragmatic views on dating. Perhaps it’s because romanticism is not only strongly incorporated in our culture but also traditionally opposed to reason. In other words, for many, you can be either a romantic or a cold, calculating person. As humans, however, we can rarely make a successful decision based on our heart’s desires or on reason only. The balancing act requires that we make decisions taking both into account.

Do you know this feeling when you meet someone and you just immediately feel this special connection? When you feel drawn to them and start to behave like a little girl around them, trying to impress them? Romanticism would have you believe that this is a feeling you should follow and even if it will put you in difficult situations, eventually it’ll lead you to this beautiful place called happily ever after. Well, no. The feeling I’ve described is attraction and has to do with lust. There’s nothing romantic in the fact that your body is urging you to have sex with someone. Attraction doesn’t care for your self-worth or well-being. It wants you to make babies. Sometimes it chooses people who are good for you, sometimes it doesn’t. This is precisely while following the “connection” on its own isn’t a good idea.

Now, if you actually follow this feeling you may end up in an even bigger trap set by your body, called being in love. Perhaps, it’s another mechanism that’s aimed for partners to be together for the first crucial years of the baby’s existence or to make you guys have a few babies. Maybe the reason why the initial feeling disappears after 1 or 2 years is because the more babies we have with more partners, the better from the evolutionary point of view? Who knows. I really think, however, that there are evolutionary reasons behind falling in love and it’s not only my theory. The author of “The Roads Less Travelled” shares similar views in his excellent chapter about the difference between being in love and actual love. The whole point is that as humans we can make better choices than basing such a big decision as a choice of a partner on an initial liking only. In fact, we should make better choices because we want more than just butterflies for a little bit and then misery with a partner who doesn’t understands us, who bores us or with whom we constantly fight (or all of the above). Yes, it’s sometimes difficult to say “no” when you’re feeling attracted to someone but be honest with yourself and stop glorifying it.

Of course, the romantics came with other ridiculous ideas to protect their promotion of following your “heart” = your loins (probably because of the consequences that often follow such choices). They’ll try to tell you that suffering is a virtue. This, yet again, is a harmful belief. Suffering is just something that happens to human beings, but sometimes we can avoid it and when we can, we should. No one is better, because they suffered more. Yes, there is something to say about using suffering to build resilience and learn that you will survive no matter what but that happens naturally when we’re teenagers. Causing yourself unnecessary suffering is silly. Where do you think the glorification of women who went or want to got through childbirth without epidural (with the consequent shaming of those who opt for it or even worse for a Cesarean section) is coming from? From the same way of thinking, trying to teach us that suffering is noble. According to these beliefs if you’re having a difficult start of a relationship it’s just a trial and you must persist through the difficulties to find a happy ending. How many romantic comedies having this pattern you can enumerate? Fiction is just fiction, though. Among other things, it’s also meant to make these dreams come true on the screen, which wouldn’t in real life.

Romanticism in its praise of strong feelings also promotes an idealized vision of dysfunctional relationships. It isn’t only about fair maidens being conquered by seemingly bad boys, who change the moment they meet the One. Following your heart is also supposed to mean crazy passion, mixed with even crazier fights. Break-ups and make-ups, alcohol, drugs. All of those are romanticized in mainstream cinema and books. Misfits can also be perfect matches, as if two broken people could actually create anything healthy and lasting. Being sensitive and emotional is one thing and not having your shit together is another. Praise of the latter was a great excuse for the exuberant hedonism of romantics such as Lord Byron, who had one love affair after another with representatives of both sexes. Of course, he was only following his heart! 😉 Modern romanticism just incorporated the old ideas and started to make blockbusters by reusing them.

Does this mean that we should ignore completely what our heart tells us? Of course not. Being in love is a great thing but it doesn’t mean that we have to follow it blindly. After the initial butterflies fly away, love can replace them. It’s love, however, that should be treated as a romantic thing that is. Commitment to one another, mutual support and stability are the things that should be valued as they are the ones that will lead people to the place, when at the age of 80, they still hold hands. Blindly following the in-love high will maybe also get you there but chances are you’re rather end up staying with someone you don’t like that much for eternity just because you had kids and you don’t want to put them through the trauma of divorce. Trust, safety and intellectual understanding are things that many people need and there’s nothing wrong with wanting them. If we’re in lust, I mean in love, with someone who we can’t count on and who’s in general unpredictable, eventually it will wear us off.

The reason why I always underline the need for certain pragmatism at the initial stages of dating is because it’s much easier to say “no” to a stoner broke ass wanna be rockstar on date one than to turn around when our pink glasses of in-loveness are already glorifying everything our partner does, not allowing constructive criticism. Even though it’s never too late to break up, some people, if they’ve gone too far, will decide to keep going. If you know you have such tendencies, use your reason too. When it shouts that you should run for the hills, do it. Don’t believe the mainstream culture that’s telling you that you have to go with the initial feeling of “connection”. We’re humans not animals, we can stop ourselves. We have brains and we can make better choices to to be in not only lusting but also lasting relationships.

Any words of wisdom, Dear Reader? Do you always follow your “heart”? Or do you add a little bit of reason to your dating choices?

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6 comments

So, pragmatism is great and all but I also think it comes with experience. Most of the time this type of experience requires a bit of drama and heartache.

I think being pragmatic and weighing up the pros/cons before getting involved with someone is easier said than done. Most people struggle to find a happy medium somewhere between a hopeless romantic with their head in the clouds and sad lonely jaded spinster. I knew one chick who always managed to do great analyses with regards to any potential partner – and lo and behold she always found some reason why they’d be incompatible. Basically, she’d manage to talk herself out of everything before giving any dude a semblance of a chance. The end result (well what I know it to be) is that she pretty much live a lonely somewhat hateful experiences (NB she applies the same attitude to her friendships – very much all or nothing). So that’s an extreme example. But there are others…

I also met a very lovely chick who confessed that she was 40 something who has never been kissed. I have to admit I could not even try to hide my judgement there! Her reasoning she is waiting for the One. I was sitting there like ‘OMG what if the one has come and gone while you’ve been busy critiquing them and finding all their faults’. This isn’t the only example of a 30/40/50 something I’ve met. Here I guess you have romanticism and pragmatism working hand in hand to create a disastrous situation where a person basically holds back from interacting with the opposite sex in any meaningful way. In my opinion, this only serves to make you socially awkward, in turn making in more difficult for you to get closer to the elusive ‘one’ you so desperately seek.

I’ll admit I’m probably more of a romantic than I should be.and with 20/20 hindsight I should have run away form most of my Tinder guys. But the truth is (i’m speaking after all the tears and hearbreak have subsided) I don’t really regret any of the guys that gave me butterflies because at least they gave me good stories. The ones I do regret however and the ones where I tried to be pragmatic and make things work with just because they ticked boxes. Those ones were a waste of my life. So, to end this long comment of mine. I’m not telling people to sleep with every guy who has a pulse just for the experience (well you can if you want) but I’m don’t think chasing an experience is necessarily a bad thing…I mean as rubbish as it is, I’d choose heartache and tears over lonely sad spinsterhood or everything.

Yes, I definitely think it comes from experience but if it doesn’t come then you sort of wonder. I mean if a person is allergic to shellfish and gets a reaction every time, surely they stop eating it instead of following… their stomach? This post was mostly written in reaction to a thirty something “single but sort of seeing someone” girl who started to have tears in her eyes and SHOUTING at me (speaking of keeping your shit together) when in reply to her question what do I think is important in finding the right partner, I said that you have to be a bit pragmatic and say “no” to things that feel like a good idea but you know from experience won’t work out long term. In her long speech she told me that her family member has had 6 spouses and they said that the best times in a relationship is when you fight and when life is difficult in general and that she agrees with her. I mean sure, be my guest, listen to her but if you’re getting so upset with what I’m saying perhaps your gut is telling you there’s some true in it?

Anyway, I’ve never been with anyone who didn’t give me butterflies but I didn’t follow up on relations with people who did, because I knew too well they were my shellfish. I really think it isn’t black and white and one doesn’t have to be a heartless bitch ticking boxes to see certain patterns and avoid further uneccesary, meaningless suffering by repeating the already known by its fruit experience over and over again.

This is wonderful! Often we are told as young girls that the boy that is mean to you is only mean to you because he likes you, which is how we are set up for this idea that pain is love or love is pain. Its all bullshit. I like to say that real love is a choice. Those fuzzy warm feelings of lust and “connection” are going to fade, especially as the person you are interested in changes shape or attitude. Thanks for your post!

Hi Jessie! Thank you for your comment. I wish more people were of your opinion, but then i couldn’t be a self-proclaimed prophet of reframed romanticism if they were 😉 On a more serious note, perhaps people being so drawn to the “in-love” high has to do with how humans tend to pursue pleasure rather than happiness.