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Monday, January 7, 2013

For at least a year and a half now, I’ve been making clear
my intentions to move to New York City after I graduate college. My mother still occasionally refuses to
acknowledge this goal of mine, but her strategy has mostly shifted to
convincing me that the Big Apple is a bad place to live. My grandmother has joined this cause
wholeheartedly. They keep telling
me that I don’t want to move there because it’s dangerous.

My go-to response has always been to shrug them off as
paranoid and accept that they love me and don’t want me to move.But then I took a look at the history
of the city that never sleeps.And
I’m starting to think they may be right.

Doctor Who, where everything's made up and logic doesn't matter.

The 1930’s were a rough decade for New York, New York. In
November of 1930, according to British television series Doctor Who, the Daleks invaded, and the Doctor, along with Martha
Jones and a makeshift army of shantytown residents, had to defend not only the
city, but the human race itself.Apparently this is the only time during which New York was interesting
to BBC, because less than a decade later, the living-statue-creatures known as
Weeping Angels set up shop here, and the Doctor had to save the day once again, although this time he couldn’t save his companions.

The 1930’s also saw the first attack by the classic giant
ape, with the original King Kong
released in March of 1933, and its 2005 remake.

Because history repeats itself and because giant monkeys
sell movie tickets, King Kong attacked again in 1976.

If we fast-forward a few decades to more recent history, in
2002 the Green Goblin descended upon the big screen and upon NYC.Thank goodness we have our friendly
neighborhood Spider Man! (Insert eyeroll.)

Spider Man got a two-year sabbatical but in 2004 had to save the city again, this time from the well intentioned but poorly nicknamed “Doc
Ock,” just in time for Manhattan to be buried by the new Ice Age in The Day After Tomorrow. (I’ve been to
that library, and I can think of worse places to be trapped…)

In 2005 Victor Von Doom threatened the city with his generic
and scary lightning-spewing doomsday device.My question is this:Did nobody say, “You know, that guy’s name is ‘Von Doom’… maybe we
should keep an eye on him?”Good
thing we have Chris Evans and the rest of the Fantastic Four… What were their
names again?

Two years later a radioactive Peter Petrelli exploded in the
sky over Kirby Plaza in the last episode of Heroes
that was worth anything, and Peter Parker defended the city from Sandman, Venom, and Harry Osborne. Then he made the most disgusting cry-face in movie history.

The world didn’t end last month, but 2012 was still a very
bad year for the Big Apple. A cure for cancer went horribly wrong, and diseased zombie/vampire people ate Will Smith (and his little dog too)
in I am Legend.

He looks familiar...

Loki’s army attacked a zombie-free version of New York in
the same year, but a ridiculously good-looking slew of superheroes saved the city
and its people and—hold on, is that Chris Evans again?

The city recovered mysteriously quickly from an attack by
aliens on hover-cycles, but Stan Lee is relentless. A Dr. Conners-turned-evil-mutant-lizard threatened to turn
the whole city into similarly horrible genetic disasters, but a younger,
fresher, and more amazing Peter Parker discovered his inner Spider Man and came
to the rescue. Perhaps this Peter
Parker is a descendent of a certain courageous shantytown resident in the
aforementioned Dalek attack, to whom he bears a striking resemblance.

Andrew Garfield in Doctor Who

So after thorough examination, it looks like living in New York might be more trouble than it's worth. On the other hand, it wouldn't be so bad to be rescued by Chris Evans or Andrew Garfield once or twice.

Disclaimer: The first image is mine, the rest have been stolen from various places on the internet.