Relationships

QUESTION: Corina is getting married soon, but her fiancé recently lost his job. Should they still go on a honeymoon after the wedding? Dave assesses their situation, and he gives them advice and some motivation.

ANSWER: I’m not usually a big fan of spending when someone loses a job. But I think your situation is a little different. You’re working together, and you’ve already got a nice chunk of cash parked in the bank.

Your guy can find another job in a couple of weeks, considering his field and experience. Companies everywhere are hiring people right now, and the economy is booming! If he gets out there and really busts it looking for another position leading up to the wedding, I think you two will be fine. He might even be able to work it out to start right after the honeymoon.

Robbie asks if the adult children of healthy senior citizens, who failed to plan for retirement, have an obligation to help the parents financially. Dave offers some guidelines, while suggesting there may be a bigger question in the mix.

QUESTION: Robbie asks if Dave thinks the adult child of a mentally and physically healthy senior should be burdened with providing financial assistance to that parent if the parent has neglected to plan for retirement. Dave lays out some guidelines for situations like this, adding that he thinks there’s a bigger question here.

ANSWER: Based on the wording in your question, I can only believe you don’t think the adult child should be “burdened” to provide this assistance. My guess is you’re talking about one of your own parents.

I understand you might be aggravated with a parent who has been irresponsible with their money. But in my mind, there’s a bigger question. How big is the burden?

I talked to a guy recently who was making $1.5 million a year. He was questioning whether he should help his dad — an older man in poor health, who didn’t handle his money well — by giving him $1,000 a month. There’s no question you give that guy money. You’re making millions, but you don’t want to help your sick dad? Come on!

Let’s say you bring home $2,000 a month, and you or your family are barely getting by. In that scenario, you’re not morally required to financially take care of a parent who was irresponsible with their money.

It’s all relative. Do you have the money? Can you provide help without placing an undue burden on yourself and your family? But no, you’re not morally obligated to destroy your own life, or your family, to take care of a relative who didn’t take care of themselves financially.

Julie's estranged father died recently. Her uncles didn't request money, but they asked if she wanted to be part of things by paying part of his final expenses. Julie wonders if she has an obligation to help. Dave tells her to follow her heart.

QUESTION: Julie’s father died recently, after not wanting anything to do with her for 25 years. Her uncles asked if she wants to contribute, and be part of things, by paying a portion of his final expenses. Julie is in good shape financially, and she wonders if she has an obligation to help with things.

ANSWER: I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry, too, about what happened with your father. I can’t imagine the mixed emotions you must have in your heart.

When someone asks me a question like this, I try to put myself in their shoes. Under the circumstances, I don’t think you have any obligation whatsoever to help pay for anything. If you want to help, and you can afford to do so, then follow your heart. At the same time, I don’t think you should lose one wink of sleep over this if you decide not to contribute.

QUESTION: Alan’s mom has been handling his finances while he finishes college. Recently, he discovered she has been stealing from his student loan money to spend on things for herself. Alan estimates his mom has taken around $12,000. He asks Dave how he should handle the situation, but Dave explains there’s no easy answer to this one.

ANSWER: The first thing you need to do is take over complete and total control of all your finances. Shut down any accounts that have her name on them, and anything else financially-related that she can access. I know this sounds harsh, but she has proven she’s just not trustworthy. It’s a hard thing to hear about a parent, but at this point you’ve got to take steps to protect yourself. What she has been doing is financial child abuse.

One extreme is to press criminal charges. The other extreme is to just forget it, and pay it. In between is a promise from her to repay everything she has taken, but she’s already out of control. That’s a promise that wouldn’t be kept. The problem with prosecuting someone criminally for this type of action is the money’s already gone, and it doesn’t magically make them have the means with which to pay you back. Plus, I’m afraid you’d have a really hard time legally getting the student loans removed from your name due to theft.

Under the circumstances, I think you’re probably going to end up eating this. Try to have a calm, clear discussion about what has happened, and why it happened. Let her know, without a doubt, that you will criminally prosecute her if she ever uses your name to put money into her own pocket again. Second, tell her you’re prepared to forgive her and forget about it if she agrees to get some financial counseling. If you want, let her know she can just pay you back somewhere down the road if she is able.