Onion Tears

I used to have a major cooking issue. For many years I could not be in the same room as an onion getting chopped. I suffer from a medical condition of very sensitive eyeballs, or what my doctor calls “being tremendously lame.” The fact that onions are in most dishes, burritos included, made this extremely hindering to my eating-food lifestyle. Also my insurance doesn’t cover those consultations.

That was, until I learned this easy method to slice an onion while still maintaining my stoic dignity.

Onions are filled with mean-spirited bully enzymes that cause gases to enter your eyes and produce acid. This is true. Ask Jeeves.

The idea is to stop those enzymes from doing harm, like a culinary Jack Bauer.

1) Put the onions in the freezer for about 20 minutes before chopping.

2) Use a sharp knife. This will cause less cell walls to rupture where the enzymes hang out.

3) Use said sharp knife to remove the roots and bulb of the onion without penetrating them.