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April 29, 2017

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- I propose a contract with the American voter.
It's a set of promises for what I'll do
in my first 100 days.
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- [News Anchor] The account's first cover photo
was actually a shot from President Obama's
inauguration in 2009.
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- [News Anchor] The president is in a white rage about
suggestions that the crowds for him
weren't as big as they were for Barack Obama.
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- Look how far this is.
This goes all the way down here, all the way down.
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But when you look at this tremendous sea of love,
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I call it a sea of love.
- It was the largest audience to ever witness
an inauguration, period.
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- [Announcer] Multi-platinum recording artist
Three Doors Down.
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- We have put together a team, I think,
the likes of which has never been assembled before.
- He has nearly 2000 jobs in his administration
that he has yet to fill.
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- [News Anchor] Michael Flynn in a firestorm of criticism.
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- Ben Carson
got stuck in an elevator.
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- She is the least qualified nominee
in a historically unqualified cabinet.
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- I would imagine that there's probably
a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.
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(bear roars)
- Ms. DeVos didn't know the difference
between two basic theories of testing.
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- [Speaker] Where if the growth they're making is in growth,
the proficiency is an arbitrary standard.
- If they've reached a level,
the proficiency is if they've
reached a like, third grade level for reading,
et cetera.
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- [News Anchor] President Trump's top advisors
are said to be at odds.
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- [News Anchor] Donald Trumps cabinet is mostly male
and white, the least diverse cabinet since Ronald Reagan.
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- No, I would, I tell you what,
you wanna set up the meeting?
Do you wanna set up the meeting?
- No, no, no,
I'm just a reporter.
- Are they friends of yours?
No, go ahead, set up the meeting.
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- [News Anchor] Sarah Palin and rockers,
Ted Nugent and Kid Rock posed in front of the portrait
of former First Lady Hillary Clinton.
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- [News Anchor] Pence's rule of never eating alone
with a woman who is not his wife,
good idea?
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- [News Anchor] "I'm not firing Sean Spicer,
"the guy gets great ratings, everyone tunes in."
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- And the goal for the United States
is twofold, as I have stated,
it's one, to make sure that we destabilize Syria.
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Hitler,
who didn't even sink to the,
to using chemical weapons.
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John Roberts always helping me with the fashion tips.
- [Reporter] It's still upside down.
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He had no conflicts.
By law, he can't have conflicts.
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- So, buy Ivanka's stuff, is what I would tell you.
(both talking at once)
I'm gonna go get some for myself today.
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- I see on their website
got a lot of attentiot today for plugging the president's
Mar-a-Lago resort.
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- [News Anchor] Trump is famous for his long-lasting,
very firm handshake.
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- What'd I miss?
- Please.
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- Thank you, everybody.
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- I'm not ranting or anything, I'm just telling you,
you know, you're dishonest people.
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- [News Anchor] Steve Bannon labels the media,
"the opposition party,"
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saying the press "should keep its mouth shut."
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- At some point,
the facts are what they are.
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- Sean Spicer, our press secretary,
gave alternative facts.
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- [News Anchor] The Bowling Green massacre
that Conway mentioned
never happened.
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- [Drump] I'm reminded of that proverb,
I've heard it for many, many years
and I love it.
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You look at what's happening last night in Sweden.
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Sweden.
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Who would believe this?
Sweden!
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I guess it was the biggest electoral college win
since Ronald Reagan.
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- President Obama got 365 in 2008.
- Well, I'm talking about Republican.
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- And George H. W. Bush, 426.
So, why should Americans trust you
when you're just misrepresenting information?
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- [News Anchor] His own daughter, Tiffany Trump,
is registered
in two states.
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- Wire tapping, I guess, by, you know,
this past administration,
at least we have something in common, perhaps.
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(audience laughs)
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Trust me,
I'm like a smart person.
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You know what uranium is, right?
It's a thing called nuclear weapons and other things like,
lots of things are done with uranium,
including some bad things.
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Our first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln.
Most people don't even know he was a Republican, right?
Does anyone know?
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But we just can't make mistakes, right?
So we don't make mistakes.
Go ahead, Ken.
- Chuck Canterbury,
the national president for...
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- We've just launched 59
missiles
heading to Iraq.
- (stammering) Headed to Syria.
- Yes, heading toward Syria.
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My thanks go to speaker Ryan.
I said, "Ron,"
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"make sure these countries start paying their bills
"a little bit more, you know?
"They're way, way behind, Ron."
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We have to do,
I'm gonna talk to you about that, Ron.
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But Paul, you're over with NATO,
get 'em to pay their bills, I think that.
And Ron,
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you have to work on that too.
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- [News Anchor] Trump tweeted from his private account
that he was "honered" to serve as president.
The word "honored" was misspelled.
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- [News Anchor] "To" as in T-O instead of the adverb
spelled T-O-O.
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- [News Anchor] The camera's captured her
nudging President Trump during the national anthem,
the moment prompting a lot of response--
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- [News Anchor] President Trump lambasted
the leader of Australia
before asserting this was the worst call by far
and abruptly hanging up the phone.
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- Mean-spirited
and un-American.
- Chuck Schumer, yesterday, with fake tears.
I'm gonna ask him who is his acting coach.
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And they hired a big, big movie star,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, to take my place.
The ratings went right down the tubes
and I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can,
for those ratings, okay?
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- Trump's weekends at Mar-a-Lago
costing taxpayers millions while Camp David
sits deserted.
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- Because I'm gonna be working for you,
I'm not gonna have time to go play golf and,
believe me.
- [Announcer] President Trump for the birdie.
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- [News Anchor] O'Reilly and Fox News have paid out
$13 million to settle claims of sexual harassment.
Trump just told the New York Times,
"I don't think Bill did anything wrong."
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- Putin's a killer.
- A lot of killers,
you get a lot of killers.
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(honking)
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- President Trump made a lot of big promises
for his first 100 days but--
- [News Anchor] The GOP's healthcare bill,
dead on arrival.
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- Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated.
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The officer's cold voice,
victims of immigration, crime, engagement.
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- I think it's probably one of the most compassionate
things we can do to actually...
- Cut programs that help the elderly and kids?
- You're only--
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- [News Anchor] The key provisions of this
have been essentially put on hold.
This makes it as if the order
was never signed.
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- [Drump] This is more work than in my previous life.
I thought it would be easier.
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