Tuesday, October 5, 2010

21 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause[b] shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. 23 Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. 26 Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny.

I have been guilty of hatred. I am still struggling with the feelings that I have toward one person in particular, and as I strive to forgive this person (who shall remain completely anonymous in both name and gender), I have been continually convicted of the anger that I feel. My anger has a purpose, but it can no longer be called "righteous." There is nothing that I can do to help or to change this person. Only Yah can do that, and He will, in His time. They must be open to that change and to recognizing Him in their life.

At the same time, I deal regularly with being hated, not only by the same person with whom I struggle, but by others as well. I have not always lived a good life, and even now I cannot say that I am where I want to be. There are so many changes that I strive to make on a daily basis. Simple choices can make an enormous difference. These people do not know me as I am now because they don't make an effort to get to know me as I am now. However, the fact is that I have not reached out to them, either, for fear of having my hands slapped away.

A season of my life is ending now. I cannot continue to sit by and allow this anger and hatred to fester. I have to do something about it. I have worked on forgiveness and I simply haven't gotten that far. But it is time to reach out. I don't know whether or not I will be sending out any kind of cards for the holidays, since I don't celebrate Christmas, but we will see. I think that is probably the best way to open the door of communication and offer to begin speaking to these people again. In the meantime, I must continue to focus on Matthew 5:21-26. It is important to me to let this go and leave it entirely behind me.

Current Goal: My current goal is to learn to organize both my home and my time. This isn't going so well right at the moment, but I am making some progress, even if it isn't steady.Today's Habit: Today, I was supposed to read my reminders from Flylady. I forgot about it until just now. Oops. The sink still isn't shiny. I have dishes that need to be done and I won't move them out of the sink since it was shining when I put them in there.Reading: I'm in Chapter 2 of The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I was in Chapter 1 yesterday. I forgot that the first chapter is an introduction.Bible Reading: I am pacing myself through Genesis and picking at Proverbs. Memorizing: I am working on memorizing Proverbs 31:10-31 at the moment. For this week/day it is Proverbs 31:10-12.Praying for: I am praying for my husband's work. Again. I actually overlooked this part of my prayer time yesterday. Oops. I am also praying for the strength to forgive those who have hurt me and the courage to reach out to them. For more information see The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I am also praying for calm.Grateful for: A beautiful day with my daughter. She was so sweet today and we spent a day without television!

Monday, October 4, 2010

I have a confession to make: unexpected visitors terrify me. There are issues from the past that have fed this fear, and I don't wish to discuss those issues at this point in time (or probably ever). But I do want to be honest about the issue of being afraid of knocks on the door, because I believe that my failure to answer the door is a sin. I believe that part of being like Messiah is to be hospitable. Although I believe that He understands my reasons for not answering the door, I also know that this isn't what He would have for me.

I don't blame God for my fears. Most of the things that have happened to me have been my own fault. Some of them have been authored by others, and some of those others I believe have been under Satan's influence. I don't have to accept this as part of who I am, but it is something that is going to take time to work through. I know that my Abba is willing to work with me until I can get past these issues, and I know that He has some patience with me (or at least I believe He does). On the other hand, I'm just tired of living this way.

Today there was a knock on the door. It's not been my best day. The first half of the day was quite peaceful, but later on the little one decided that it was time to start shouting and screaming about how "mad" she is (the end result of watching Ni Hao Kai-Lan). It isn't so much that I have been impatient with her as that I have had things to do, and the noise levels are making it difficult for me to concentrate. I also have to worry about her getting into things, since she has been a real livewire today.

So my tension levels were already high when there was a friendly knock at the door. Figuring that it was a friend of ours, I looked out the window to see if his car was out there. It wasn't, nor was there any other vehicle, which struck me as incredibly odd. Just as I was about to scoop my daughter up and move her screaming away from the door, she called out "Daddy!" At the same moment, the person at the door tried the knob (which was horrifically unlocked! Given that part of the root of my fears if from robbery, this was really brutal!). When the person at the door heard my daughter call out for her father, the screen door slammed and they were gone. That was over an hour ago and nobody has returned. There is no evidence that anyone was here. No notes on the door from UPS or any other company, no phone calls or e-mails from friends. This tells me that not only was the visitor unexpected, but unwelcome as well.

I don't like this. My stomach is churning, and the fear is irrational, but it is there. I wish that there was something I could do about this immediately, so that the feeling would go away. I've tried several things already, and the house is never clean enough for me to feel comfortable, or my daughter has stripped off all of her clothes, or I'm in the middle of doing something or the worst case scenario is just flashing through my mind at the time that the knock happens.

It has been a stressful day because of this. I just want this to stop and to go away. If you pray, please take a moment to pray for me.

Current Goal: My current goal is to learn to organize both my home and my time. At this point I must also confess that some mental organization would be beneficial as well, so that I can let go of some of these irrational fears.Secondary Goal: I am trying to beat food addiction and lose weight. It has been an uphill battle, but I know that with YHVH's help I can do it!Today's Habit: Today, as every day, I got dressed to lace up shoes. My sink isn't shining though :(Reading: I'm in Chapter 2 of The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.Bible Reading: I am pacing myself through Genesis and picking at Proverbs. Memorizing: I am working on memorizing Proverbs 31:10-31 at the moment. For this week/day it is Proverbs 31:10-12.Praying for: I am praying for my husband's work. For more information see The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I am also praying for calm.Grateful for: I am incredibly grateful for YHVH's forgiveness. Here I am dealing with this terrible fear, and the result of the fear is sin, and I know that He is willing to forgive me if I repent, and help me to move forward for the best.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's too bad that we live in the city, or I might have something good to photograph and share with all of you. It has been an easy day to be contented. The cooler weather means that we are more comfortable, if a little bit sleepy. I no longer struggle with the feeling of being overheated when I am working a large piece of knitting or crochet in my lap. Most of all, this is my favorite time of year, as things begin to change. I am surprised to have discovered a real sense of contentment today. This is what I have been looking for (and failing to find) for several weeks. YHVH is really working in my life, and He is taking me where He wants me to go. The best part about it is that I want to go with Him.

I have decided that at least through this season, I am going to try to start blogging daily. For those of you who know that I struggle with computer addiction from time to time, this isn't part of that. This is part of the necessary process of getting into a routine and seeking fellowship with other believers. I need to be doing more to reach out, and I keep feeling that I am inadequate as a believer, so I pull back and start over again, often from a different angle. So far nothing has made me feel as though I'm getting it right, so I figure that I might as well practice it until things work out.

Right now I am going through a process of learning some new and essential skills. At the top of this list of skills is consistent organization. I know how to make things neat and organized, but they almost never stay that way. I can no longer claim that I know where everything in my house is, because we have begun the terrible process of replacing lost items. This is not only expensive but it is unhealthy.

My goal here is to be entirely honest with you. There are some things about which I almost never talk except one-on-one. Most of that isn't going to change, though you will likely find out some things about me that you didn't previously know. Some things may cause you to ask questions that I cannot or will not answer. I apologize for this. I am not claiming to be transparent, but I will always at least be honest with you.

Part of this organizational process is getting into the habit of reading and memorizing scripture and catechism. No, I am not Catholic, and yes, I will be teaching my daughter catechism as a faith-sealing and faith-expanding practice. She's a bit young yet, but I don't think that it is ever too early to expose her to these kinds of important things.

I will always let you know what my goals are and what I am working on. In fact, I am about to create a little form that I hope to put at the end of every post as I walk this path with you. I hope that some people will join me and make comments. I really do need the moral support right now, as I am going through a lot and do not have any kind of spiritual family (that is to say, I am not attending any kind of an assembly and only just found out that there is a Messianic congregation in my city today).

Current Goal: My current goal is to learn to organize both my home and my time.Secondary Goal: I am trying to beat food addiction and lose weight. It has been an uphill battle, but I know that with YHVH's help I can do it!Today's Habit: Today I am shining my sink. Yes, it is a Flylady thing. And yes, I am doing Flylady again. I know that this can work for me if I just stick with the program. So far I have not.Reading: Today I am going to start reading The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I will review it when I am finished.Bible Reading: I am pacing myself through Genesis and picking at Proverbs. I want to re-read the Torah right now but I am also drawn to Proverbs, so I'm reading when I can. I will read through at least the first two chapters of Genesis tonight.Memorizing: I am working on memorizing Proverbs 31:10-31 at the moment. For this week/day it is Proverbs 31:10-12.Praying for: I am praying for my husband's wife. For more information see The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.Grateful for: Today I am intensely grateful for the incredible peace of this day. I am almost finished with a gift for my mother (I participate in, but do not celebrate, Christmas) and should be able to finish my sister's tomorrow, then move on to toys for the kids. I'm very, very content and grateful to the Ruach Hakodesh for giving me such great comfort today.