Friday, November 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 61% of Americans oppose federal regulation of the Internet. Apparently they draw the line once the government starts messing with their porn.

A poll says that 61% of Americans oppose federal regulation of the Internet. The other 39% are against federal regulation of the government.

The California DMV will expand its hours to accommodate license applications from undocumented immigrants. That means some of the DMV employees will have to go from working 10 minutes all the way up to as many as 15 minutes out of the day.

A list of the most violent cities in the world includes Detroit, New Orleans and St. Louis. Los Angeles only gets included in the years the Lakers win the NBA Championship.

Andy Warhol’s “Triple Elvis” painting was sold for $82 Million. Apparently the painting seems so real and has such a feel for what Elvis was about because Warhol used paint that was mixed in with maple syrup.

A door fell off U2 singer Bono’s private jet as he was flying to Germany. Two suitcases were lost in the accident which shows he was just a cavity search away from what it is like for the rest of us who fly commercial.

A report says that one in three people in Chicago are living paycheck to paycheck. The other two thirds say they are hoping someday that they might be able to get a paycheck.

A cellphone sniffing dog has reportedly found 1,000 illegal phones in California prisons. Mostly because no person wanted to smell those phones after where they were hidden to sneak them inside.

A poll says the Bible is the most valuable book to society. The second most popular response was “What’s a book?”

A poll says the Bible is the most valuable book to society. Mostly because that is the most likely place that relatives may have hidden some of their money over the years.

A report says a record number of bank branches have been closed this year. Especially now that tellers just spend their whole day telling customers their balance is still zero.

A report says a record number of bank branches have been closed this year. Mostly because people have found a place to invest their money that brings them the same interest rate as their bank account. A pillowcase.

People in Dublin, Ireland are protesting a proposed new water tax. The Irish are saying they will pay a tax on water just as soon as they actually try drinking some.

A study says that fracking fluids have been found in everyday household items such as toothpaste, ice cream and laxatives. Which is no surprise since laxatives have been used for fracking natural gas out of people for years.

An Ohio man says the Post Office lost the cremated remains of his wife that were supposed to be sent to him from Cleveland. Although the Post Office says the man can take solace in knowing that if the package made it out of Cleveland, she is in a better place.

A Michigan judicial board is recommending a judge in Ypsilanti be suspended 90 days for being convicted of super drunk driving. The judge is challenging the conviction since he says it was unfair of police to see if he was sober by having him spell “Ypsilanti.”

A report says that Romania’s president election hinges on the issue of trust. As opposed to the U.S. where all elections hinge on which candidate can raise more money than the others.

The chair of the House Homeland Security Committee is calling for a top to bottom independent review of the Secret Service. Apparently it is concerning the latest Secret Service failure where the President was helplessly beaten by voters in every state.

The chair of the House Homeland Security Committee is calling for a top to bottom independent review of the Secret Service. Republicans say the Secret Service needs to protect the life of the President, but they will look the other way if they just let his hands get broken to where he can’t sign any executive orders.

A Florida man was arrested after trying to steal a chainsaw by sticking it down his pants. While he was trying to get the chain saw with a 100% discount, he was just an accidental start from finding out what it feels like to be half off.

A professor at the University of Iowa says the school is withholding documents that contain embarrassing information about its management of the field hockey program. The embarrassing information is that the field hockey players could probably beat the school’s football team.

The CBO says the average American household pays 19.3% of its income in federal taxes. The bad news is that for most of those households, their tax bill still comes out to 19.3% of zero.

A study says that global warming could increase the number of lightning strikes by up to 50%. Scientists say the consequences could be shocking.

The Volkswagen Golf was named Motor Trend’s Car of the Year. Mostly because all the other cars were unavailable for testing by the judges as they were still in the shop after getting recalled.

The Volkswagen Golf was named Motor Trend’s Car of the Year. Which means that Volkswagen could be making sales to some if not all of the three people who still subscribe to Motor Trend.

Billionaire Warren Buffett has bought out Duracell for $3 Billion. The only problem with the sale is that batteries are not included.

The Justice Department is investigating the sudden soaring prices of generic drugs. The worst part is that people need generic antidepressants to get over the misery of having to pay full price for the drugs they need that are only available by brand name.

A study says the best way to swallow pills is to stand up straight with your head bent forward. The one exception is if you are taking pain pills for the sore neck you have from trying to swallow all your other pills that way.

A study says the best way to swallow pills is to stand up straight with your head bent forward. You would think that a lesson on how to get something from the mouth to the stomach would be the last thing Americans would need to be taught.

Scientists at Stanford are still looking for a longevity gene in humans. Mostly so they can sort out prospective students who will live long enough to be able to pay off their tuition loans.

A study says that six kinds of fire retardants have been found in most humans. Which means that most people can at least put to rest the fears of every being victims of spontaneous combustion.

A study says that one in five college students abuse ADHD drugs. How bad is it when you don’t have the attention span to be able to correctly read the directions for your hyperactivity medication?

A study says that one in five college students abuse ADHD drugs. How expensive have drugs gotten that the only ones kids are abusing are the ones they can steal from all the dorm room nerds?

A Florida vegan mom has been accused of child neglect. Apparently authorities were called out because her neighbors became concerned as they had never before seen a child who was actually thin.

A Florida vegan mom has been accused of child neglect. Apparently school officials became concerned because before that they had never actually heard a child use the word “vegetables.”

The star of the reality show “Cake Boss” was arrested in New York City for DUI. Which means he won’t be airing the episode that features a killer recipe for rum cake.

Patty Duke will play twins once again on TV on the Disney Channel’s “Liv and Maddie.” Hopefully at this point she is old enough so that one of them won’t be in danger of a hot dog making her lose control. (You have to be of a certain age group to get that one...!)

A musical based on “Duck Dynasty” is set to premier in Las Vegas. It’s for lowbrow audiences who think a Wagner Opera is any performance that features “All I Need” by Jack Wagner.

A musical based on “Duck Dynasty” is set to premier in Las Vegas. The highlight of the show is when Elmer Fudd argue whether it is rabbit season or duck season and Fudd brings down the house with his rendition of “Kill the Wabbit.”

A lawsuit has been filed to stop the proposed George Lucas Museum from being built on Chicago’s lakefront. The plaintiffs are asking the court to instead order it to move to another location far, far away.

“Mama June” Shannon from “Honey Boo Boo” answered questions about dating a convicted sex offender, saying she has “nothing to hide.” Of course, if it weren’t for people who don’t care about hiding things they probably should there wouldn’t be any reality TV in the first place.

Boy George has canceled a Culture Club reunion tour. Which is bad news for people who have been faithfully holding on to their tickets from the band’s last tour in 1983.

The chief of Viacom says the Nielsen ratings company is outdated. Especially when it turns out that the company is still getting viewers’ diaries putting “The Beverly Hillbillies” in the top 20.

The chief of Viacom says the Nielsen ratings company is outdated and has failed to keep pace with the way people watch TV. Which is really scathing when it is coming from a company that owns MTV, Nickelodeon and Spike.

China has unveiled its new stealth jet fighter. Although it turns out it really doesn’t have any stealth technology. It’s just that no one can see it when it is flying around at low levels in the middle of another smog alert.

A report says that new fast food chains are popping up around the country that offer healthy menu items. There is a word for restaurants like that in the U.S. Empty.

Microsoft is adding three finger touchpad gestures that can be used with Windows 10. As opposed to all the previous versions of Windows which were used to having the users operate them with a one finger gesture.

A report says the U.S. is putting fake cellphone towers on planes to spy on people. As opposed to AT&T which puts fake cellphone towers around the country to make people think they can get some kind of service.

Harry Reid will keep his job as the Democratic Party’s Senate Leader. The embarrassing part is that just like last week the polls showed him losing if there had been a Republican on the ballot.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Much of the nation is in the grip of an arctic breakout. Which is good news because it has gotten us worried about something other than Ebola. But don’t worry. If the cold outbreak scares you, the 24 hour cable news networks will come up with something else to frighten us all by next week. What is even more frightening is that you have made it this far down in my blog. The good news is that it is Friday. I hope you all have a great weekend and that you come back again for another round of drivel on Monday, along with all the friends you will tell about the site by then. In the meantime, it will do just to have you remember to always send the love!