So today is cd4, I called cd1 to schedule my baseline ultrasound, hoping for Friday CD 3, but no such luck. So we had our appt today at 12:30. Joseph and I arrive about 12:20 and are in the waiting room. We are probably not people you want to have in your waiting room. We talk quietly, but we talk, and laugh and giggle. I don’t think we are inconsiderate, as I wouldn’t mind if other people were talking, but all the other couples were talking silently. Yes, there were several occasions I could see there mouths move, but never any sound came out. Any who, we were called back, told to strip down from the waist down. I did, the doctor came in and stuck me with the fabulous wand, and lo and behold lots of eggs. Dr asks about my testosterone, I told her its normal(bc she told me it was normal.) then asked about my cycle length, once again normal. Then we had the same discussion about PCOS we have 3 times. How there are three criteria and you have to have two. I only have one. Blah blah, we’ve heard it before. Then we discussed what we’ll do this cycle. She upped my clomid to 150 mg for three days, then 100 mg for the remaining two(she really wants three follicles close in size.) I go in next Saturday for my monitoring scan. We will probably trigger a couple days after followed by some fun timed intercourse. She said its more important for us to have intercourse leading up to the trigger shot. So I imagine we’ll go the day of the ultrasound, then everyday until O, maybe other day. She did say we don’t want to deplete Joseph’s stores. So we’ll see.

I feel like I go through these emotions on a daily basis. But overall I would say I just transitioned into the anger phase. I’ve been so hopeful it would happen for us, ya know denial. But now I am just angry.

I am angry that we aren’t holding a 9 month old in our hands(ya know, because that is what we planned for.) I am angry that we didn’t find out the gender of our baby this past Tuesday, because that is when we would have had we not lost him. I’m angry that we don’t have great infertility coverage. I am angry that we need infertility coverage in the first place. I am angry that people get pregnant like its not big deal. I am angry that people, who know we are struggling with infertility, haven’t done any basic googling about how to interact with infertiles. I am angry that nobody in our families can understand. I am angry that in 5 weeks I’m going to be a aunt for the first time on my side of the family. I am angry that my life plan isn’t going to happen. I am angry because adoption cost so much. I am angry that foster care has so many variables. I am angry that my RE wouldn’t see me yesterday. I am angry when people tell me “it’ll happen” or “you’re next.” I am angry that all of this makes me angry.

I stumbled upon a blog of a fellow infertile from Kentucky. Upon reading her blog, I cam upon a post where she discussed how Kentucky was the 48th fertility friendliest state. That was months ago, and like all the greatest states do, we have moved down to spots to 50th fertility friendliest state. So that’s been lifting my spirits since finding out at our family thanksgiving party that I’m going to have another niece of nephew.

So my sister in law just spilled the beans that my other sister in law is pregnant. Followed by a “now you need one.” I said “maybe.” she said “it’ll happen” I said “not likely” then proceed to cry in the bathroom.

I know I use this blog alot as a way to vent frustrations over infertility, but u truly have so much in my life to be thankful for.
I’m thankful for:
– the sacrifice of Jesus and the promise of pain free, infertility free, diabetes free life with Him.
– for our baby. Even though we lost him, I’m thankful he made us parents, even for such a short time. I can’t wait to meet him one day.
– Joseph. He is the greatest husband I could ever ask for, and he makes me a better person and wife. His love is so overwhelming its wonderful to feel so secure when the rest of my world seems like it is falling apart.
– internet pals. With the ladies here in the blogosphere and the ladies on tww, I wouldn’t have the support system I do. They encourage me when I’m up, and listen and reaffirm my feelings when down.
– medicine. While both Joseph and I are disappointed our bodies don’t do what they should on their own, I’m thankful for medicine, and all our doctors, through which Joseph is still here(and will be for a long time) and we have a chance at having a child.
– Family. These past 18 month I have pulled away some from our families because our families are fertile, but since the miscarriage, we have been much more open about our struggles. It doesn’t necessarily fix things, and often they don’t know what to say, but it’s nice to have a family who is aware of what’s going on in our lives.
– Our friends. This area of relationships is difficult because all of my friends are fertile, and in the midst of growing/starting their family. But I am still thankful for them, and super thankful many of them don’t struggle with infertility, and haven’t had a loss and I pray that continues. Specifically I am super thankful for my friend K in Texas, she has been my sounding board since the miscarriage. I’ve texted her pics of pre sticks for second opinions, and she has been so supportive and helpful.
– Amy and Rocky. They are the sweetest, most caring, and understanding couple. They were the first to know about our baby, and straight up prayed for us then and thee. I know they have been praying for us for through out this whole journey, and we can feel it. Even in those moments if devastation, We can feel God and His presence , His encouragement, and His promise.
– Our small group. Though not all of them quite know or understand everything we are going through, many of them have personal stories of infertility, and they are so helpful. They have shown how God has a plan for our family, it might not match up with our idea, but He will provide the children we are to love and parent.

Today was a big cleaning day in our house. Not our future child room, but the rest of it. While cleaning Joseph happened upon some glow bracelets I had purchased for a Halloween decoration that I couldn’t do because it was raining. He had never had a glow stick or anything so we opened them up and broke them all. We then put them on and had a good time playing around in the dark with our bracelets. We then got back to work because if your bracelet is glowing, you have to be cleaning.

30%-60% of couples in the unexplained category will get pregnant within 3 years with no medical intervention. We’re half of the way there, we have sought medical intervention, and we have been pregnant. So do we discount the months of clomid? So really we’re only four tenths of the way there? Clearly I’m over thinking this.

IUI + Clomid brings the fecundity rate up to 10% a cycle. This increases my confidence in our decision not to proceed further than clomid/femara.

It an attempt to come to terms with our nonbaby. I am beginning to plan for our children we get through fostercare. I know it is many months away, but I’m hoping it’ll give me some hope and encouragement over the next few months to begin preparing for them.

Car seat ideas

The Diono RadianRXT convertible carseat. These things are about $260, but will fit rear facing from 5-45lbs, then front facing with 5 point harness 20-80lbs, and booster up to 120lbs. They are also narrow. 17 inches wide. Both Joseph and I have smaller cars (mine is 51 inches across on the inside.) so I figure, if we had to, we could probably do the three across. I like these because we have no idea what age of child we will get, so by getting a convertible carseat, we are prepared for a 3 year old, but also an infant. We’ll honestly probably get 2 of these to start, then if we end up needing a third, we’ll figure it out.

Crib/bed

I’m fairly certain there is an age requirement on bunk beds but I love this bunk bed

I like the storage of the drawers, and I love the stairs. they just feel a bit sturdier than a ladder. I’ve seen some like this around town, I’m not sure of the price, so who knows if it’s a possibility, but I’m just dreaming now.

Then I love Jenny lind(who doesn’t right?) My parents actually have a twin jenny lind frame in their attic I’ve already dibsed(yep, I think that’s a word.) very similar to this one I imagine.

I’m not into the headboard looking cribs, I think I like plainer cribbier looking ones. Who knows?

Kid room. (please, no judgement.)

When we moved into the house, we knew which room we wanted to me our nursery, for the baby we knew would be here so soon. So we painted our back bedroom a nice light grey, to be paired with coral if our baby was a girl, and some sort of blue if a boy. But we didn’t move anything into it, besides boxes. And it has no become our junk room. I would like to clean it up, and put some white bead board 2/3 of the way up the walls, and we’ll probably do an accent of green something in there since we don’t have a preference of gender. So here’s a pic now. Now judgement please.

Other than that, I scored an awesome sweater that use to be my grandmothers today.

My sweet amazing friend Amy and I went out to dinner last night. And I did a lot of complaining about how Joseph and I aren’t pregnant, and how we are trying to realign our dreams, that we’ve had for years, with our reality, that we are infertile. She is an audiologist and told me of this little poem that she uses to give to new parents when they find out they’re perfect baby will never hear on his own. I think it is meant for parents of a child with a disability, but I feel like it it our exact situation. Anyone trying for longer than expected can understand this feeling.

Just change that first sentence to “I am often asked to describe the experience of being infertile.”

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

I had a major break down yesterday, Joseph walked in from work to me crying and I said “I just feel like” and he cut me off and said “that we aren’t going to be able to get pregnant? yeah me too.” So that was heart breaking. But it made me feel good that my feelings weren’t over dramatic. He’s feeling like we aren’t meant to start our family this way.

We’ll finish out the next three months of clomid, but in January is when I think our family story will really begin. We are starting foster care training, it’ll take 6 weeks, but I know that is where we will start our family now. We are trying to realign our dreams of having 6-7 children, to our reality, that we probably won’t birth any. But it doesn’t mean we won’t have them. So now, I am praying super hard for our children. They may very well already be out there, in situations that aren’t healthy or helpful. So it breaks my heart to know that, but we are here, ready to open our hearts and house to them. Bring on our family.

Side note: I was thinking of starting a VLOG series to post on this blog as well. Who knows if I’ll actually do it, but it’d just be like 1 video a week. So we’ll see.