sometimes i get to wallow in it

December 26, 2012

I hurt my foot.

Worse, I hurt my heart.

My paralyzed foot got stuck in the front wheel of my wheelchair. I was stuck in the doorway of the shower. Unable to lower my wheelchair to the floor or I’d have to put the full weight of myself and the chair on a twisted foot. I was wet and naked having just come out of the water. My phone was out of reach.

I was alone, there was no one to call for help.

After twenty minutes of pain in my foot and not being able to move I decided there was only one way out.

If you’ve never had to make the decision to break your own bones, you should know that it’s mentally rushing .You are left with a desperation more painful than I’m able to explain.

When all options are gone, you just do it.

For whatever reason, my foot finally sprang free just in time. I was getting ready to make the break and I was able to wedge my foot free.

I sat and cried at what I’d had to ALMOST
do. Psyching myself up to deal with a way my handicap trapped me.

A few weeks ago I was making my way to the living room when one of the front wheels came off.

My wheelchair lost balance and fully tipped forward. My wheels were in the air. I was stuck in the chair because of the seatbelt.

The kids panicked but Peter was able to get my seatbelt unlocked and released me from my chair.

All I could think about was “WHAT IF I’D BEEN ALONE?”

The kids could have come home from school to find me on the floor. It’s an hour for Peter to drive home frrom work.

I got out of both situations. Some pain, acme humiliation.

I felt weak and unsure of my ability to be home alone. I had some of the worst things in my imagination happen. It freaked me out.

I started to doubt all the things I felt confident doing. Each teeny step forward was replaced by a huge leap backwards.

These events that showed my physical weaknesses also highlighted the biggest of my mental weaknesses. They led to emotional weaknesses I don’t give myself the luxury of wallowing in.

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I don’t think it’s wallowing, Anissa. It’s recognizing just exactly the daily heroics you go through. We have to do this. That’s what a therapist told me. If we don’t take a step back and look, really look, at what we gave to go through when others have it so easy–we’ll never marvel at our own supercape powers.

Life is harder for some than for others. Yes, we can look at it and say “whoa. Do I kick ass when others would buckle? Yes. YES I DO.”

Love to you, ANissa. I so wish I were there to help.

Don’t get mad but is there a lifeguard necklace you can wear? We have one for my mother, when she falls.

Wallow all you want, but in the end you had the strength to break free and survive. That’s more than a lot of able-bodied people can say. I admire you, and I don’t even know you. For what it’s worth, that’s saying something.

I’m not in your situation by a long shot, but I get the one step forward, three steps back feeling. And wallowing.

But you know what? You’re amazing. You’re here, you’re doing things every day that expert medical folks likely thought you’d never do again. It’s hard. And I can only imagine you want to quit sometimes. But you are an inspiration. And you rock.

Wallow if you need. Get it out of your system. Then go kick more butt. It’s what you do.

About Anissa

Erma Bombeck said something that pretty much defines my approach to life.... "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and I could say, "I used everything you gave me." If you switch the word TALENT for LOVE or LAUGHTER or HAPPINESS....it still stands.