Archive for the ‘satirical shit’ Category

Why I think working in Company Y is worse than going through a chemotherapy session…

– Going through chemo, even though sucks, is actually a treatment. It shrinks cancer cells. Working in Company Y, is a suffering. It causes stress, depression and most likely to cause cancer.

– A chemo session is administered lying down, typically a whole day event. It’s shitty yes, but you get to rest. Working in Company Y is administered standing, with my derriere bent outwards, getting scores of anal penetration from behind, typically a whole day event – and I don’t get to rest.

– A patient undergoing chemo is given diet food that makes the patient feel less shitty. An employee in Company Y is given stale, tasteless and shitty food that fucks his health up.

– A cancer patient gets a lot of support from around during chemo. A dying employee at Company Y struggling to meet schedule and dateline gets sidelined and ignored by every fucking one.

– You get hairloss and nausea from the chemical effect in a chemotherapy session. Hair usually grows back and nausea gone upon completion of the treatment. In Company Y, the nausea is immediate and airborne just by looking at my boss’ face. The hairloss comes from the stress. They (hairs) will never likely to grow back.

– You get poked with needles during a chemo session. You get stabbed with knives in the back in Company Y.

– An oncologist prescribing the dosage of chemo is a professional who is mostly likely to know what he is doing. A manager plotting the strategy of the department in Company Y, doesn’t know a fuck what he is doing and what he is there for.

– Surviving cancer and going through chemo alters one’s life in a positive way. Living through each day in Company Y makes me a more sadistic misanthrope who hates mankind even more.

Just to give you guys an idea how ridiculous an iPhone is, let’s imagine if it were to be a car… an iCar…

1. The car’s hood of course, can’t be opened. You’d have to send in to the Apple workshop to get it serviced or repaired if it breaks down (and must be towed by an Apple tow truck).

2. The car’s undercarriage is made of glass.

3. It comes in only 1 color variant – Black. The company’s going to release the White colored version soon, but it will be like, 20 mm higher and 5 mm wider, despite having the same spec as the Black version.

4. The car is compatible with Apple tires only, which is 200% more expensive. Other tires won’t fit.

5. The car’s radio won’t tune to conventional FM wave. It will only tune to iRadio, which will cost you $1.99 per day.

6. The car has ABS, but it will only activate on paved, flat road, and under the speed of 50 kph.

7. If you open the front passenger door before any other doors, the car won’t start and would jerk violently. It’s a bug that is fixable by installing a set of bolt lock from the inside to prevent someone from opening the door.

8. The car’s air con, stereo and ignition are killed with the same and only button – which will break down after a period of about 1 year, due to accumulation of dust on its contacts.

9. Normal gasoline nozzles won’t fit in to the car’s fuel tank opening because it is deliberately made a few sizes smaller than conventional ones (for some fucked up reasons).

10. The car has this self-proclaimed intelligent GPS navigation system that totally thinks you’re going to the opposite direction all the time.

11. If you park the car in a certain way, the windscreen will crack by itself and you’ll have to send it to the Apple workshop (not before towing it with an Apple tow truck).

12. The reverse sensor only works if there’s a wifi signal within range.

See that little green thing up there? It’s Jude’s plant. Remember Jude? The lady with a strong BO who sits in a cube next to mine? Yeah. Her.

I noticed that her little plant has been thriving particularly well over the other side. I don’t know what type of plant it is, but I know I’ve seen dozens of that ilk around, and they’re all very small in size… except Jude’s plant. It looks like it has been fed with some kind of plant steroid or exposed to a tremendous amount of radiation, that it is growing over the cube and is probably trying to outgrow the factory roof or something. And I guess it will be just a matter of time before the plant starts to develop a mind of its own and invite its kudzu friends to invade the office… and we’d then all probably start to see small animals scavenging around.

Anyhow, I have my own theory on why Jude’s plant is so especially big. The reason is, Jude. Yes, I am implying that the plant has been feeding something off Jude that made it so big and strong like that. So what has it been feeding from Jude? A few vital things, I suspect.

Number One – Jude’s armpit. As I have written in the past, Jude perspires heavily and her armpit odor could kill a healthy dog. But for plants, it is a bliss. Her stinking armpits are like the rafflesia flower – it attracts insects… and when a lot of the insects eventually die, they’ll all end up as organic fertilizer for the plant. And I’m also not discounting the possibility that Jude’s armpits are probably emitting airborne particles (dried body salts? proteins?) which could be directly nourishing the plant itself.

Number Two – Jude’s respiration. Jude’s big. She’s about the size of an adult Bengal tiger. With that sheer size of monstrosity, she’s bound to exhale shitloads of CO2 gas around her cube. This means, plenty of ‘fresh air’ for the plant. And for Jude as well, because the plant will get bigger and emits more oxygen. Jude’s size is like, the complementary of the plant. They coexist in the office in a symbiotic relationship. So, as Jude grows, so does the plant.

Number Three – Jude’s reflection. You know, as she grow in size from working too long in office, she also grows fairer from the lack of exposure to sunlight. And the lack of skin pigmentation will cause more light to reflect off her skin, and intensified by her ever increasing skin surface area. More light means, more food for plant – as they’re known to be able to convert light into food in a miraculous process called photosynthesis. More food = higher rate of growth. Quite simple really.

Number Four – Jude’s thermal mass. Now that the plant has enough salt, air and light, the only thing left for it to find utopia is the right temperature. It’s like, 20 fucking degrees in the office. That’s too cold for a simple equatorial type of plant to grow well. But that’s not much of a problem for Jude’s plant – for big Jude herself would have emitted enough body heat to normalize her cube into a quasi glasshouse – thanks to the high amount of greenhouse gas in her cube (see Number Two) – therefore, regulating the ambient temperature in her cubicle.

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So, as you can see, Jude’s plant has everything… it is not surprising at all to see the thing outgrow the rest of the vegetation in the office. Well, either that or simply, Jude has a green finger (or could it be that green fingered people are generally obese and has bad BO? **cues in Twilight Zone music**)

I don’t know if this is just me but, I have noticed that lately, asking people to resign seems to be the trendiest thing to do. Everybody is doing it. Leftists. Old farts. NGOs. Nationalists. Shitbags. Just every shrimps and crabs you can find around. Everyday I switch on my puter to read some news, there are bound to be headlines of someone being asked to resign (or be sacked). It has become a national duty of sorts to ask people to resign. It makes one look important and patriotic I reckon…

Not wanting to be left out (and partly because I’m a patriotic guy), I feel compelled to do this now – I’m asking someone to resign. The person I have in mind, is the guy who thinks school uniforms are sexy. I don’t know who is the guy (I don’t really give a shit anyway)… but, I think that guy is pretty stupid. You see, when a girl’s sexy, she’s gonna stay sexy no matter what she wears… (imagine Jessica Biel). She can wear a school uniform, a baju kurung, or even a baju hujan, it doesn’t matter. She is still going to look the same. She is going to look sexy in EVERYTHING. So, should we ban every fucking thing that Jessica’s gonna wear? The next thing we know, she’s going to be naked dude… (not that it’s a bad thing).

Same thing goes for the opposite. An ugly girl will stay ugly no matter how sexy she wears. Old people will stay old even if they wear a school uniform. And how do you explain goats? Do you people even know that hundreds of domestic animals are getting raped every year in Malaysia alone? (the farmers, goddamnnn!) Why isn’t there any nincompoop from the government propose for animals to be fully clothed already? As you probably have realized, the issue here is not about the clothing at all. It’s the mentality of the people. People are just sick enough that they’d rape anything that can satisfy their whims and fetishes.

So, I hold resolute to the call, I want the retard who thinks that school uniforms are too sexy to resign. And people, get your kids away from this guy (if you know him), now that you know he has a fetish for kids in school uniforms… (someone probably should hide a bear trap in a school uniform, and leave it inside his lawn).

Now I have done my civic duty as a patriotic citizen. Have you? Do you want anyone to resign today?