Top 5: September 2005 Archives

I workout 4 days a week and still get laughed at by Ethopians, but here are 5 things I hate seeing at my gym, "Club H":

1. Keep your cell phones in the locker. Working out and chatting on your cell phone? Please stop being a retard and put the phone back into your locker. Oh yea, whoever has the cell phone with the Indiana Jones theme song - turn your fucking phone off. Every single time I walk into the locker room that phone is constantly ringing, uber nerd.

2. Guys who feel the need to walk around the locker room completely naked, please stop. Guys will walk up to the scale buck naked - because you know that hefty towel is going to throw your weight off by 3 ounces! Or you walk into the sauna or steam room and it is a preview of "Free Willy". Towels were invented for a reason - use them!

3. Unnecessary grunting has got to go. Yes, lifting heavy objects may cause a person to grunt. But when someone is lifting and it sounds like they are doing their "Incredible Hulk taking a massive dump" impression, it gets old after the 2nd set. This also includes anyone who has a IPOD and decides to SING while they work out. I was next to a chump who was singing happily along with his IPOD, and he was tone deaf. God damn, people!

4. See a cute girl - don't gawk or leer. Too many guys look like they are one step away from dropping their shorts and beating it right there when a cute girl walks by. Horray - you see a cute girl. One second rule, fellas. Glance, look away and appreciate. This also means don't tap your buddy on the shoulder, point and then make chummy quiet laughter. Har har har - you are a dork.

5. I'm so tired of watching people lift heavy weight without proper form. I don't know how many times I see a guy doing bicep curls and he is swinging his back to lift the weight. Or how many times someone is doing the lat bar pulldown and leaning back to pull it down. Reduce the weight, and stop trying to exercise your ego. Rule #1 for the gym is - Check your ego at the door. Just lift with good form first.

Oh, this is a bonus section, which technically makes this a top 10 list:

What's up with the top heavy look?. When you have a buff upper body and your calves and thighs are like twigs, you look like a fool. At least 65% of the guys at the gym never workout their legs. I seriously have to sneak some photos of these guys to show everyone how bad this is.

Everyone loses (or gains) 10 pounds when they first start to work out. The key to losing weight isn't getting your fat (or skinny) ass on a treadmill - it's your diet. Eating like a bird for lunch and dinner and then sucking down 3 cheeseburgers on a late night drunk binge on Saturday night isn't going to help your weight loss. I'm constantly trying to follow my high protein diet and my love of cheesesteaks and Captain & cokes isn't helping the situation.

Wipe down the machines after you use them. The towels provided aren't to wipe your sweaty brow - they are for wiping down the machines after you get your greasy hair all over it. I was going to use a bench to stretch yesterday when it wasn't wiped down - so gross.

For the love of God someone destroy Club H's sound system. They play some of the worst work out music at Club H. They should have IPOD night. Club members can sign up, bring in a good IPOD mix (20 songs max - and it gets reviewed so we don't have to endure 1 hour of German Metal Rap), and it gets played. Yes, yes, yes, I know the whole "why not just wear an IPOD and workout". I can't - it is distracting to me to have wires hanging around and stuff. Next invention - bluetooth IPOD with wireless earbuds.

Is it really so hard to put the weights back in order? This is my anal request, but when the 45 pound dumbbells are sitting askew or the 55 pounds are in the 40 pound slot, what kind of stupid lazy motherfuckers are going to the gym? Oh right, I forget the same guys who are shooting up steroids between their toes in the gym bathroom, that's who.