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Rev. Dr. Abbott -- A new question for you: Is it not

Hello Rev. Dr. Abbott --...

Hello Rev. Dr. Abbott -- A new question for you: Is it not appropriate for grown grandchildren ages 29, 24, and 22 living in 3 separate cities to arrange their own gift or birthday wish to their paternal grandmother versus letting their mother do it for them? The problem is the custodial mother (divorced family) not wanting to let go of mothering practices in rearing the children, doing so many tasks for them (e.g. arranging gifts to relatives out-of-town) but not training the children to manage their own relations with key relatives such as grandparents (only 2 remaining). The mother took pride in arranging assorted gift baskets (discontinued merchandise) as a craft and sending them to relatives on behalf of the children but also receiving praise for her craft she took pride in. But the children are grown / moved out years ago and the recipient well knows when a gift basket or other "group gift" supposedly from the grandchildren arrives from the mother's city, that it is from the mother and not the grandchildren in other cities. The mother won't let go and the children will acquiesce when she insists to arrange gifts for them but the recipient knows what's going on which negates the actual point of the gift -- i.e. the thought behind it. The recipient (grandmother) wants something original (if even a simple note) from the actual giver (grandchildren), not something arranged by an in-law who frankly, the receiver doesn't care for. What to do to: a) stop the mother's meddling in her grown children's affairs, and b) teach the grown children that such gifts or expressions should always have been their responsibility but certainly now that all are well into adulthood having flown the nest years before and leading their individual lives? Any rules of etiquette that should apply?

You make every correct point there is to make in this regard. Mom 'should have' (which is a fruitless statement every time) taught her children proper etiquette across all avenues while growing up. From the time a child can hold a crayon, 'thank you' notes should be required with the simple explanation: If someone takes time out of their day to think about you, go through the effort of buying or making a gift for you and then being sure it gets to you, the least you can do is take a moment out of your own day to send them a personal 'thank you' note. Not an email, but a real, with a stamp or hand delivered thank you

From there a parent (mom and/or dad) has a launching pad for teaching about how to be thoughtful with gift giving. How to specialize gifts for a particular person.

Unfortunately mom didn't do this and by continuing to do the gift giving/arranging for her adult children she is 'enabling' them to be inconsiderate at the worst, oblivious as to how to give a thoughtful gift at the least.

Perhaps more unfortunate is that these adults aren't taking on the responsibility on their own. They might simply tell mom that she needs to put HER name on the gifts she arranges because they'll be putting their own name on the gift they arrange themselves.

Yes, mom should/needs to let go; however, it doesn't sound like she'll be doing that on her own. The adult children hold their own pair of scissors with which to cut those apron strings.

While no specific rule is written with this regard, this is one of those unwritten, unspoken, common sense issues

Similar to children being potty trained; learning how to walk; being taught how to self-groom, get dressed and so on. Being polite (thank you notes) and being thoughtful (gift giving) is either taught as part of growing up or it is not. Once a child isn't a child anymore it's up to that adult offspring to recognize where a parent may have been lacking and to fill in the blanks so to speak, on their own

I hope this helps - and may you have a wonderful Thanksgiving !

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Customer reply replied 28 days ago

What to say to the mother (age 56) if she continues to commandeer her grown children's gift giving? What to say to the children (ages 22, 24, and 29) when they call to see if the gift(s) their mother bought and sent to their grandmother for them arrived and the grandchildren expect a thank you? Would sending the gifts back if not sent by the grandchildren specifically, ever be in order if after repeated warnings for the mother to cease and desist with her hijacking the grandchildren's relations and gift giving with their grandmother fail to achieve compliance? Other ways to make known this practice must stop?

Heavens no, one must not return a gift just because it wasn't given in the way we feel it should have been.

I would politely tell the adult children that while I enjoy the gifts their mother arranges, I would really love to receive something that they thought out and selected. I'd let them know that I'm curious as to what they know about me or think about me and much would be revealed in their gift giving.

I would tell their mother the exact same thing - to let me see who her children have become as adults as reflected in their own personal gift giving style

If mother continues to be overbearing and pushy at gift giving time, I would send her a thank you note on behalf of the charity you donated her gift(s) to.

No judgement - no admonishments that will drive a wedge between family members over something as 'nice' as gift giving, despite it being a bit lopsided.

As maddening as this is, you cannot control anyone except yourself - and with this option of giving the gifts to a good cause - you're at least turning a negative into a positive. Continue sending the 'thank you' notes on behalf of the charity/cause and continue reminding the 'children' that you're anxious to receive something birthed from their own thoughts and efforts one day.

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Customer reply replied 27 days ago

Update: I just learned the 56 year old mother bought flowers for her grandmother-in-law's 8th birthday and will be sending via wire on behalf of 3 grown grandchildren, each 1100 to 4800 miles away and two having not spoken to their grandmother in a year whereas the used to speak by phone regularly. Might we say we donated flowers to local church / other as they did not sincerely ***** ***** any of the 3 grandchildren? Flowers are a bit different as potential donation. Suggestion?Typo - That was 89th birthday...not 8th. 'Scooze.

I figured the b'day was an 80-something or that grandmother had one heck of a story to tell

Flowers are always welcome donations at care facilities, hospitals, etc.. Leaving them with a floor station and asking that they be shared (if that's possible) or wholly given to a patient/client who especially needs them is nice. I have heard of some funeral homes being told by family members after services, to do just that with all of the flowers (those appropriate) since they simply waste graveside and are often easy to rearrange for giving

It's difficult to intercept flowers being wired however. I actually feel a bit sorry for the 56 year old mother of 3 children who not only let her do all this, but might actually expect it and welcome it.

We may not just have a mother who won't let go, but perhaps we have children who just aren't thoughtful or considerate? This could also be a well oiled machinery of dependent and co dependents, each being an enabler to each other.

If this is the case (any of the above) then to try applying propriety to a psychological issue is futile.

If this is what is going on in that family, all you can and should do is shake your head, be very glad it's not you and yours and offer to help in any way you can. It is no more fixable than if they were dealing with an addiction or any other psychological/psychiatric disease. Maybe the only appropriate thing to do is feel sorry for them.

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Customer reply replied 27 days ago

The children have issues based on how they were reared. Two were alienated by their mother for years when they were younger (Parental Alienation Syndrome) but progress was achieved via webcam therapy. Still, there is geographic as well as emotional distance that is hard to bridge along with histrionic mother seeking self aggrandizement versus proper parenting in this matter. Thank you for pointing out there may be limits as to what can be achieved given obstacles entrenched. We may posture to give flowers away on next occasion if individual, autonomous thought by each child is not obvious in what is projected to be sent. This helps.

I retired from doing counseling (officially that is) in '99, but as you see there is often a psychological component to behaving properly (etiquette, from which one may never retire) and differentials with you has always been a pleasure in that you are wonderfully open minded and receptive, meaning: we never argue.

I'd love it if you were to check in now and then and let me know how things advance with this family situation as you put into place options both mentioned here and real world efforts as they unfold according to any given situation. This way, I too will continue to learn.

My sincere wishes that you have a good, peaceful, even fun Thanksgiving

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dolma888

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HuffPost manners blogger, certified etiquette coach, former director of protocol, city & county of San Francisco

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.