(Closed) Feeling Alone- mom and dad pretend engagement didn't happen

A few months ago, (before my engagement) my mother asked me not to get married soon. My guess is that she that she thought I would end up unhappy with my then boyfriend, because he comes from a different family background than I do.

She is somewhat but not totally unhappy in her marriage to my father, and she refuses to go to any type of therapy to work through it. I really think this affects how she percieves my relationship in general. She hates my fiance’s tattoos so much that it isn’t enough for her that he is an honest, respectful, responsible, loving, and passionate person. She grew up in a privileged household that valued social status over good family connection. Unfortunately, this is where her prejudices stem from.

I told my mother that I would try to take her advice with open ears, and try to objectively assess my relationship. I really believe that I have a stable, healthy, and loving relationship. Her advice just seems like it would be better for her than for me.

My parents and I live in different states, and my finance lives in yet another state (in which I plan to move to after I graduate/become a Dr.) My parents have met my finace multiple times over the past couple of years.

Anyways, 2 months later, my then boyfriend proposed to me! I was so happy and so so surprised! He did an amazing job, and I’m so in love. It was not my plan to go against my mother’s wishes, but I didn’t want to turn down the proposal I have been dreaming about just because she wishes I would have a finace with a six figure job and sperrys.

Regardless, I called my mother first out of respect, even though I was really uncomfortable with how she might react. She gave me the oh- wow- i- guess- thats- really- something routine because she was in shock. My dad did a little bit better, but he too was not ready to deal with it or ready to deal with my mother. I stayed positive and loving. I called the next day, and my father was going on and on about how boring everything is at home and how there is nothing going on. I told him I was engaged, and he laughed made a joke. Two days later I talked to both my parents, and my mom asked “how was work?” I said that everyone was realyl nice and congratulating me. My dad asked why, and I said, “because I got engaged.” I could feel my mother’s coldness through the phone. Then my dad quickly changed the subject to his work.

oh hun, i want to reach out to you and tell you you’re not alone, even though i know just how alone you feel. i’m going through something similar (in some ways a little worse possibly) and understand how awful it is. the whole social status thing is a factor for my situation as well (plus being an interracial/multicultural couple). my only advice to you is to stay strong with your fiance, to support each other and to not let your parents’ voices poison what you have with him (not to say you shouldn’t listen to them or converse with them in a mature manner). please don’t hesitate to PM me if you need to chat. xx

Sorry your dissappointed with their reaction. I don’t think you mom’s concern towards you getting married is based on how her marriage is currently. May I ask how young are you? since she said don’t get married young.

Also maybe you’re not traditional but it would’ve been nice if your FI asked your dad for your hand in marriage, just out of respect. Not sure if people do that now a days. There must be a reason why your dad is not excited for you. Did you ask?

I can totally relate- I have the exact identical fears with my parents. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Would talking to them help anything? I plan on having a heart to heart with my parents should this happen. *Hugs*

So, just one quick story. I dated a guy my parents HATED. When we got engaged, neither of my parents were happy. I was heartbroken! I told them they were middle-class and were prejudiced against his working-class family. I told them that I loved the emotional closeness of his family that I didn’t see in mine!

So I moved in with him. We were so in love! Except that he hated my parents. But they were awful to him! So he was right! But then he hated my friends! But they were middle-class and thought they were better than him! So he was right!

Then, one night, he got a little rough with me. But it was fine! He was so kind, and generous, and loved his family! Then he got rougher. And it just got worse and worse. He threatened to sue me for everything if I ever left him (I gave him cash for house purchases, and we would put them on his card). He told me that no one else would ever love me like he did. And I believed him.

Then, two days before Christmas, I visited my family (alone). I was so convinced we were so in love! I was so happy! Except that EVERYONE in my life had made some comment to the effect of “You just don’t look happy. Not like you used to.”

And they were right. I was getting abused at home, I was working full-time at night and giving him almost all of my money.

To this day, I still don’t know when or how it got that bad. Everything was perfect for over a year! And within six months, I was getting thrown around and told I was unloveable.

But now I trust my parent’s opinions. FI met them after a month of dating, and if they had hated him, I don’t think we’d be together! (PS- They loved him. My Dad offered to find him a ring if he ever wanted to propose!)

Although I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying a guy who comes from a lower income bracket tham yourself and if this is the only issue your parents have, it is definitely something you will just have to stay strong about, from the way they are acting, are you sure there isn’t something else about him/the situation that is causing them to act that way? Is there any even partially valid reason why they might be worried?

I guess because when it’s just empty snobbery, it’s usually pretty blatent rudeness, and your parents seem like they are trying to deal with a “something”….an elephant in the room… more delicately, which sounds more like a real issue and real concern for your true wellbeing, and not just “you can’t marry that poo’ boy or yer outta the will, ya hear?!”

Then again, it might just be snobbery, which sucks, but sigh. What can you do? You just have to be patient and hope they come around, and not let them be rude to your FI in the meanwhile. My parents are somewhat of a letdown to me too… so I don’t just preach daughterly patience, I live it. 🙁

Congrats on your engagement! I sincerely hope your parents will come around. I couldn’t imagine my mom not being really excited for me. His parents are another story, hopefully they will be happy too!! Maybe if you guys decide to do counseling together before the wedding your parents will see that you are serious about have a healthy relationship. good luck!

@WhiteViolet: No one except my aunt made a huge deal about my engagement. Well my bio dad became irate and hung up on me but in terms of positive stuff.

Are you an only child? Or the only daughter? Parents sometimes take a while to absorb this stuff. I realized it’s not about me only making this transition, even though it should be about us! 🙂 It took my parents a while to be excited even though they love FI.

I can’t thank you all enough for reading my story and weighing in. It is giving me a lot of support. Some of your stories break my heart, but I am glad that many of you have worked through tough times and found happiness. I am now 26, and will be a few months from 28 when I get married. I know that regardless of my age, I will always be a little girl to my parents. Their approval means the world to me, and I respect their opinions even if they are not always right. My mom has not been able to tell me one personality flaw in my finace. Her complaints are usually about the tattoos, and then she insults people who have tattoos and questions their judgment as intelligent people. My dad dislikes tattoos also, but I think he would be totally on board if my mom was happy about my finace. I have had no negative input from ANYBODY else including other insightful family members (brother, cousin, aunt) and friends. I would love to put my mom’s opinion above all, but I really think she may be wrong on this one, and it is not her life at stake here. It would have been nice if my finace had gotten my dad’s permission beforehand, but I had asked him to not do that. If he had asked my dad, and my dad had said no, then he could not turn around and propose to me after that. If he had asked my dad, and my dad had said yes, it could have really pitted my parents apart from each other. I think it may work out, but very slowly. My mom seems to be going through her own depression issues on top of this whole thing, and I dont want to be the one that pushes her over the edge. I will just be supportive and careful with her, in hopes that one day she might come around.

@HappyBride827: i’m with you. i know it isnt always the case, but generally if your parents are the good non-abusive kind they care asmuch as you do about who you end up with. I’d feel strange marrying someone my folks hated.

@WhiteViolet: i might have missed this even though i read the thread…di you ask your mom why she might dislike him? I dont know if yall have a grown up relationship yet but i would think yall could talk honestly.

Ffff, you’re 26? 26 or 28, either way, that is not too young to get married. That’s really kind of absurd of your mother. Especially if you want to have children. (I married at 28 too, high five and also – congratulations!)

I’m sorry your folks are trying to brush off your happy news. Have you been close to them in the past? Are you certain it’s just the class disparity that is making your mother (it seems) dislike him?

@WhiteViolet: They have over a year to get used to the idea. Keep them updated and set up dinners/holidays where they can spend more time with your FH and get used to the idea. My parents were not overly thrilled but they have come around. We have been engaged for over a year.