The year that wasn't: The top (fake) stories from 2010

Columnist Peter Chianca revisits some of the top stories from 2010, the way they should have happened. (And, in some cases, almost did.)

Peter Chianca

January: Nation’s perverts endorse full-body airport scanners

RENO, Nev. (CAP) — America’s largest organized group of perverts and degenerates released a statement wholeheartedly supporting plans to install full-body scanning equipment in the nation’s airports.

“Any device that can prevent terrorism while at the same time allowing you to see through people’s clothes is A-OK in our book,” said Nigel Friedrichsen, president of the Reno-based National Association of Perverts (NAP). “That’s the definition of win-win. Um … at least our definition.”

The scanners have been highly controversial, with some civil libertarians claiming the devices violate travelers’ privacy by performing a “virtual strip search.”

“Yes, it’s true the scans do expose the full bodies of the travelers who pass through them,” noted Friedrichsen. “Screeners would be able to see, say, under the brassieres of women age 16 to 35. Or into their underpants … their frilly, lacey underpants … Mm … I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”

The effort is clearly gaining ground: Newark Liberty Airport has announced it will install the scanners later this year. “They should be online in a few months,” said Chris Keller, a spokesman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, noting they would not be instituting the procedure if it weren’t absolutely necessary.

“If you’ve ever been to Newark, you know you wouldn’t want to see under these people’s clothes unless you had to,” he said. “If anything you’d want to put more clothes on them.”

April: Arizona immigration law cracks down on illegal Swedes

PHOENIX (CAP) — A new law that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they suspect they are in the country illegally should help curb the flow of illegal Irish, Polish and Swedish immigrants through U.S. borders, say supporters.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, whose tough crackdowns have made him a hero in the anti-illegal immigration community, pointed out that the new law would not unfairly target Mexicans, as some of charged.

“The law gives police authority to question anyone they think is here illegally, not just people of Hispanic origin,” he pointed out. “So if someone is very pale and blond, that might be cause to investigate as to whether they’re here illegally from Sweden.

“Or they might be an albino, in which case they might be here illegally from Albania,” he pointed out.

Besides skin shade and hair color, Arpaio said police will be trained to spot other characteristics that may denote whether someone might be in Arizona illegally. For instance:

Funny accent;

Sandals;

Eating croissants and/or strudel.

While the new law has drawn protests around the state and the country, it has some high-profile supporters, such as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who signed the bill. “Just look around,” said Gov. Brewer, gesturing to the angry crowds gathered in protest around the Arizona Capitol. “There are a lot of very swarthy people there, and I think police need the freedom to question them as to their status.”

When pointed out that the people could just be tanned as a result of living in Arizona, Brewer responded, “Can I see your papers, please?”

June: Umpire who blew perfect game runs over pitcher

DETROIT (CAP) — Disgraced MLB umpire Jim Joyce made his second major faux pas in a week’s time, apparently hitting the gas instead of the brake in his 2002 Chevy Blazer and running over Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga as he left Comerica Park.

“I don’t know how it happened,” said a teary-eyed Joyce afterward. “I had a really good angle on the pedals, and I would have swore it was the brake.”

“I say many times: Nobody’s perfect,” Galarraga said from his bed at Detroit’s Henry Ford Hospital, where he was being treated for multiple contusions. “Everybody makes a mistake. Unfortunately this one leave me out for the rest of the season, but I’m sure he no want to run me over, probably.”

Galarraga and Joyce of course made headlines when Joyce blew a crucial call at first base, robbing Galarraga of a perfect game with just one out to go in the ninth inning. The Detroit community has since rallied around Galarraga, with GM even presenting him with a brand new 2001 convertible.

“Unfortunately Jim [Joyce] backed into it at full speed after he run me over,” noted Galarraga, who said the car is now totaled. “But again, he just make a mistake. Like I make a mistake when I got out of bed that day, apparently.”

“I had a really good angle on [Galarraga’s car] in my rear view mirror, and I would have swore it wasn’t there,” said Joyce, dabbing his eyes and large, fu-manchu style moustache.

Meanwhile, calls to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig to reverse the call and award Galarraga his perfect game have yet to abate. Congressman John D. Dingell, D-Michigan, even introduced a Congressional Resolution urging Selig to do so.

“I figure if I can pull that off, maybe all the voters in Detroit will forget they don’t have jobs,” said Dingell.

September: Obama thanks pastor for not burning ‘my beloved Quran’

WASHINGTON (CAP) — In what some are calling a telling slip of the tongue, President Barack Obama Saturday thanked Gainesville, Fla. Minister Terry Jones for “not burning my beloved Quran, the true compilation of the verbal revelations given to the Holy Prophet Muhammad.”

He then paused for a moment and added, “Did I just say that out loud?”

Not surprisingly, Obama backtracked the next day, telling reporters he was just referring to the Quran’s importance to the Muslim religion, and not to his personal feelings about the book. “I certainly don’t ritually wash before I read it,” he noted. “Um, when I read it, that is. Which is never.”

He then pulled a copy of the King James Bible out of his desk drawer, and said, “If you don’t believe me, I’ll swear on a stack of these things — this holy book revered and read daily by us, you know, Christians.”

When reporters noted the Bible was still sealed in its plastic wrapper, Obama abruptly stopped taking questions, knelt on his hands and knees on the small rug in front of his desk to “find a lost contact lens,” muttered what some believe sounded like “Glory to my Lord Allah, the Most High Most Praiseworthy,” and left the room hurriedly.

Obama’s comments come in the wake of the weeks-long controversy over the Rev. Terry Jones’ plans to burn Qurans on Sept. 11 at his Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville. Jones scrapped the event at the last minute after a slew of calls asking him not to burn the books, including ones from U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates, former President Jimmy Carter and hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

“Although we’re pretty sure Hilton was just trying to score some coke,” said Cpl. Tscharna Senn of the Gainesville Police Department.

October: Parents charged after boy, 7, sleeps in pumpkin patch

MINNEAPOLIS (CAP) — Authorities charged a local couple with child endangerment after neighbors reported they let their 7-year-old son sleep in a pumpkin patch alone on Halloween night.

Fred and Nancy van Pelt of Roseville, a suburb of Minneapolis, were arrested at their home after their son, Linus van Pelt, turned up at the James Street Elementary School still suffering from the effects of hypothermia and muttering under his breath about being forsaken by a “Great Pumpkin.”

“The poor kid — he was clearly delirious,” said Ramsey County Sheriff Bob Fincher, who referred the case to the county’s Child Protective Services department. “He had an old ratty blanket that he had wrapped around himself, and he was just shaking and mumbling.”

Residents said they spotted the boy several times in a neighborhood pumpkin patch the night before, sitting among the pumpkins as his friends were enjoying tricks-or-treats. He was primarily alone, but was seen for a time accompanied by a neighbor, Sally Brown, 5, who is now being questioned by police psychiatrists.

Ownership of the pumpkin patch has not been determined, but several local residents have noted that it has always seemed “extremely sincere.”

The van Pelt parents were released Monday afternoon on their own recognizance, according to authorities. When reached by CAP News, they declined to comment in comprehensible English, instead making a series of “MWA MWA MWA” noises, not unlike a muffled trombone.

December: Dylan, Waits and Cohen record Christmas album

MALIBU, Calif. (CAP) — Following the surprise success of his 2009 holiday album “Christmas in the Heart,” Bob Dylan has teamed up with two fellow gravelly-voiced troubadours, Leonard Cohen and Tom Waits, for a new release, “Hallelujah! Christmas in the Heart of a Hooker in Minneapolis.”

Dylan approached Cohen and Waits about doing the album, and the pair was apparently more than happy to oblige.

“One thing I learned during the years I spent living among Buddhist monks is that enlightenment comes in all forms, and speaks in many voices,” said Cohen, sitting with Dylan and Waits outside Coogie’s Beach Café in Malibu. “And one thing I learned when my manager stole my retirement fund was that you don’t turn down an offer to make an album with Bob Dylan.”

“This album will be colder than a ticket taker’s smile at the Ivar Theater on a Saturday night,” added Waits in a guttural mumble, prompting both Dylan and Cohen to stare at him blankly for several seconds before changing the subject.

“Hallelujah! Christmas in the Heart of a Hooker in Minneapolis” offers an eclectic mix from the trio; for instance, Cohen contributes a version of “Ding Dong Merrily on High” which he says is actually a reference to a liaison he had with Janis Joplin in the late 1960s. “She was, alas, often merrily on high,” said Cohen, wistfully with a touch of literary mischievousness.

Meanwhile, a version of “Away In A Manger” sung together by the trio has prompted a lawsuit from “Saturday Night Live” producer Lorne Michaels, who claims it’s a direct infringement upon his show’s “Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein” sketches from the late 1980s.

Contact Peter Chianca at pchianca@cnc.com.

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