Relationship Advice for Communicating about Sex

You can’t help but hear or read about sexual intimacy on tv, the movies, in magazines and even song lyrics of all kinds.

We’re not talking about pornography either!

Sexual innuendo and intimacy-related references are almost everywhere. While sex is quite a popular topic in western culture, it’s not often such an easy or prevalent topic among those who are the most intimately connected! Couples may share sexual encounters with one another, but when either or both of them experience challenges, communication can readily become awkward, tense or shut down totally.

You can honestly and lovingly share with your partner how you feel about sexual relations between the two of you. As difficult as it may seem right now, you two can actually enjoy greater passion and intimate connection when you speak with integrity about your sex life and your desires.

Jennifer doesn’t experience the joy of sex with her partner Dan. She feels like he only cares about his needs when they are intimate with one another and she keeps waiting for him to tune in to what she wants. She’s never had the courage to share her desires with him, however, because she’s read about how sensitive men are when it comes to sexual performance.

Instead, she keeps waiting and wondering when he’ll catch on that she’s just not getting as much from their sexual encounters as he seems to. Sometimes she leaves magazine articles about enhancing intimacy out where Dan will see them, but she’s still seen no improvements.

Question your intimacy stories.

There are so many stereotypes about sex and intimacy. You may not even realize how insidious these myths are. It’s often assumed that men have quick, intense and insatiable sexual needs that have to be satiated. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to care more about the cuddling and kissing than actual sexual intercourse or satisfaction. Women and men of particular ages are said to have either a huge or non-existent sex drive—young men having the largest drive and both men and women having little to no inclination toward intimacy as they reach their older years.

None of these stereotypes are absolutely true!

Of course there are cases and tendencies among populations of people that may fit these intimacy stories, but don’t assume them to be true for you or your mate.

You’ve probably also developed your own intimacy stories.

These could have formed in past relationships or even in sexual abuse or rape experiences. If you are having difficulties sexually connecting with your mate in satisfying ways, chances are you are holding on to stories that probably are not helpful or even accurate. When you are not in the middle of intimate sharing with your partner, explore the beliefs and stories you tell yourself about sex.

Jennifer was always taught that sex isn’t something to be talked about—with anyone. She even feels a bit embarrassed by the desires she wants to play out with Dan. As she realizes the twinges of shame and embarrassment she associates with sex, Jennifer realizes how these emotions keep her from having passionate connection.

Ask for what you want.

Taking a deep breath, Jennifer begins talking with Dan about their sexual sharing at dinner one night. Rather than launching into what appears to her as Dan’s attention to only his needs, instead Jennifer tells him that she’d like to experiment with some different ways to be intimate together.

She lets him know that she loves connecting sexually with him and would like to deepen and perhaps intensify those experiences. After finishing talking, Dan begins to tell Jennifer about his feelings about their sex life. He confesses that he feels inept and unsure of what she wants and is relieved that they are finally talking about it.

You and your partner may have unique desires when it comes to intimacy.

Be sure you are clear about what you want stating it in an affirmative manner. Try to keep an open and even adventurous attitude when your mate shares his or her desires with you. You don’t have to try everything that each of you wants in order to each feel satisfied. You will both know if one of you is uncomfortable with something and that won’t bring you closer together. Then again, it might be exciting to explore new ways to share with one another sexually.

Many of us are brought up to believe that sex is a “dirty” word and should not be spoken of. There are lots of stories about intimacy that prevail in our culture and minds. Don’t let these beliefs about sex get in the way of you sharing as passionately and closely with your partner as you would like.

Be courageous and speak what you want while being open to your partner’s desires. This can be fun if you allow it to be!