Devoted fans of filmmaker Quentin Tarantino are those most likely to be drawn to Hell Ride since he is listed as the film’s executive producer. Although, after viewing this flick and recalling his impressive and often brilliant work, such as Pulp Fiction and both Kill Bill flicks, his fans will be wondering how Tarantino could possibly attach himself to this piece of crap. I can only guess this must have been a favor for his friend, Hell Ride’s writer/director and star Larry Bishop, the son of late comedian and member of Sinatra’s Rat Pack, Joey Bishop. A bit part actor on old TV series, and veteran star of low budget biker films of the 60’s and 70’s such as Savage 7 and Angel Unchained, Larry Bishop resurfaces once again with his throwback to those old biker films and grindhouse flicks from yesteryear.

Bishop might have attempted to pay homage to those old films, but what he delivers is just plain awful; a pretentious rip off of Tarantino’s signature style that doesn’t come close to making the grade. Thankfully, the flick runs just short of ninety minutes. Any longer and I don’t know if I could have kept myself from leaving the theatre; that’s how bad this movie is.

Larry Bishop has cast himself as Pistolero, bad ass leader, aka The President, of a motorcycle gang called The Victors. He and his biker posse consisting of right hand man, The Gent (Michael Madsen) and new recruit Comanche (Eric Balfour) are at war with a rival gang, the 666’ers led by Billy Wing (Vinnie Jones) whose weapon of choice is a cross bow. Back in 1976, the 666’ers were responsible for the throat slashing murder of Pistolero’s main squeeze Cherokee Kissum (Julia Jones) who was then set afire. Now thirty two years later, Pistolero is out for revenge (what took him so long?). At the same time, both gangs are searching for the key to Cherokee’s safety deposit box that holds a stash of cash and some other mysterious treasure. Adding to the mix is Dennis Hopper as Eddie Zero, a former member of the Victors. No doubt, Hopper must have been delighted to have the opportunity of betting back on the bike as homage to his classic role in Easy Rider. David Carradine also pops up briefly and is wasted as The Deuce, old leader of the 666’ers, another nasty fellow with unsavory connections to Cherokee.

That’s about the most I could make of the script that is disjointed, overwrought with plot holes and illogical scenes.

It’s all about bikers, beer and booty, explains one of the toughies. Not sufficient enough with that verbal description of a biker’s everyday lifestyle, Zero (Hopper) also comes up with another applicable word… bullsh-t. He’s got that right! Hell Ride is nothing more than a showcase of BS with lewd behavior, foul language, graphic, bloody violence that encompasses knives, guns, arrows, gruesome throat slashings, a beheading, setting people on fire, and misogyny. Exploitive of women in the worst way, the dialogue often consists of disgusting guys talking about having sex with women, and in visits to seedy bars and brothels, the bikers are seen groping and fondling any available female’s bare (and obviously enhanced) breasts and body. For no reason than to satisfy his wet dream, Bishop depicts women strictly as sex objects who are either topless, totally naked (as in full frontal nudity), horny as a cat in heat, and ready and willing to sexually accommodate any of the men. If that isn’t enough to get a rise out of male audiences, I guess throwing in some girl on girl action is supposed to do the trick.

When trying not to gag from watching this offensive mess, I could not help but laugh out loud at the bad acting, especially from Bishop. Heavy on attitude, with a slouching swagger, the leather clad and overly tanned Bishop looks likes a poor imitation of Al Pacino with his similar head of wild black hair (a wig?) and goatee. Note, I said poor imitation. Bishop is a joke and if this is an example of his talent, it is clear why he never achieved major stardom.

Simply put, there is no reason to see this film. All things considered, with zero appeal, no payoff and a weak ending, the film is a total waste of time and should have gone straight to video. Trust me when I say heed the title as a warning, because it is just that…. a Hell Ride, one you really don’t want to subject yourself to.

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