Tuesday, November 18, 2008

NEW YORK -- Consumer advocates are dancing in the streets after successfully lobbying Big Oil to forego the record profit strategy agreed upon by the cartel this past summer in hopes of improving the competitiveness of the American economy (home to the greatest workers in the world) and the strength of the American family.

After a closed-door meeting this fall, the powerful transnationals agreeing to lower the Big Oil Required Set Price (BORSP) from more than $140 per barrel in June to $55 this November.

"I was a bad guy. But I did some thinking, listened to Barack explain the unfairness of our windfall profits, and decided to make a change."

Along with the rest of Big Oil, BP made the difficult decision to stop selling oil at a price they now admit was completely detached from supply and demand, supported only by backroom dealing sealed with sweaty handshakes, evil cackling, and whale steaks marinated in peasants' blood.

The price reduction has in turn won over many former critics.

"The fact that Big Oil, in these tough economic times, has chosen to lower prices by nearly 2/3 for the good of America, serves as a beacon of hope for all those who believe in the essential awesomeness of America," said Tuck Tuckerson, senior analyst at MSNBC, and author of "Speculation, Gouging, and Waterboarding: A Year in Big Oil as a Super-Secret Embedded Reporter."

"We just grew tired of being so goshdarn evil," said Exxon CEO Money Monerton. "You can only read headlines like"Record Gas Prices, Record Oil Industry Profits," for so long without rethinking your decision to put excessive personal profit over the humble dreams of hard-working Americans.

"Sure, the record profit strategy had its benefits, but this time around, we made the right choice, both for our companies, and for America."