What is more dull than a discreet diary? One might as well have a discreet soul! - Henry Channon 1897-1958

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

No more titles. That is right. Titles distract from the text and are getting repetitive. Titles shall now only appear when something major happens (i.e. Jae Marries Kathy Najimy or something).

At work today had lunch with Ben again, got so bored, had to spend day helping new temp Glynis, then walked ben to Tesco's (where he was to buy his first gay mag ever(!!). Aaaahhh bless) and then went home. Talked with my supervisor about my free ticket. I need only a few days warning, so mateys start thinking of dates you want to travel to France and drivers. Please note that use of this free ticket may be dependent on Ben coming with us. Maybe.

Am feeling so horny and rebellious today. Liable to do random things. And you know my random things usually involve rather important and memorable incidents....

Hello to Jenny!!! You are Leeds University Challenge Team Jenny are you not?! Or have I got the wrong end of the stick (oh please John stop being so dirty!!)?

And hello to Greg who wrote really nice things about me on his blog.... *blushes*.... thank you, and I reallylike your blog too.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

As I made my way to work today I remembered an incident at Brighton Station on the day that I ran away. I was watching the throng of commuters, and I decided that whatever happened I would never turn out like them, all normal and bored.

At this point a homeless man came up to me, surveyed the people too and said, "Listen never become like these people so shallow and empty. Don't ever let this world rule you like it does them." (kind of like the crazy old sage in Julius Caesar who cries out "Beware the Ides Of March!")

So it was with much annoyance that I discovered.. I am one of "those people". I was wearing a shirt and trousers and some nice shoes. I had a security tag on. I have sold out!!!

This is just not me. I can't understand how I let this happen. I shall stick with it for 16 months until all my debts are repaid and then.... then I shall sling a bag over my shoulder, and leave this town for good. I don't want to be normal!!! I want to be a rebel, a campaigner, a flag waving homosexual with some stories to tell.

At lunch today me and ben walked to Tesco's together. it was the longest chat we have had in weeks. i really like chatting with him, and although I don't fancy him anymore, I really respect him as a person.

Monday, July 29, 2002

Ok I admit it I am not in the best of moods today. In fact today I feel like punching somone. Really hard. No one in particular.. just letting loose on some poor unfortunate soul. The reason? I feel trapped here. I don't feel like I can do what I want or be who I want. My patience with my family is at an all time low, yes even lower than when I ran away to Europe.

And I haven't got a boyfriend which is really annoying, to say the least. I forgot what hell being single is... I mean I haven't been single in three years!!

Will go to bed and hope for the best....

If only there was someone to go to bed with then I could release this tension in a far more interesting way....

Alan Duncan, a Conservative MP came out today in the Times (boo hiss) I wish him well and hope he chooses to be a friend of the gay community. Meanwhile read this Times piece on Homosexulity and the Conservative party here

It is too hot today, work was so boring I had to descend into staring at Mat (from work not the Sims [who are doing well]). Still worried about the siblings.... they are missing out on me annoying them!! The sheer cheek of it all.

Can't think of anything more to say. See you tomorrow, with another edition of "So you think things are getting better, do you?"

Sunday, July 28, 2002

The News At Ten

In breaking news, jae has three new siblings. Yes, Nan saw my dad today and he told her he now has five children!! I have yet to meet this man yet everyone else sees him all the time. So I am now the oldest of eight children. This family gets more screwed up/bigger all the time. I don't quite know how I feel knowing I have all these brother and sisters and not knowing them. Very strange...

I went off with Pete yesterday and got drunk. Saw: Laura, Sophie, Matt, Elliot, John, Chris, Chris Green, random bod, Adam and Adam's new girlfriend Jenny. Managed to scare Adams mum again when she gave me a lift home. Opps....

Work was slow and dull today. Spent day scaring poor Roy (in his seventies) by always being on a page of the Gay Times with some sexy pic of a bloke when he turned to chat with me...oops)

Just been to the beach, buried Pete. Made a castle, saw Chris at work. Fun.

Saturday, July 27, 2002

Very Peeved Off

I went to town with mum bought crazy argos stuff, went to Alkham Valley Garden Centre where I got to droll over hot garden centre staff. Yum.

Got home, then phoned Pete who said "You start walking and we will start walking and we will meet somewhere near the far end of Cheriton road" (not a quote) So knowing my friends I left it a good 15 minutes before walking (they are always late). Satrted walking, it was hot, then made it all the way to town. No Pete.

Might annoyed I went shopping, got a taxi home and then phoned him to find they hadn't even made it half way.

I am now in a bad mood. All they need to say was just leave it half an hour or meet you at the Leas. Grrrr.....

Friday, July 26, 2002

What A Wrong Impression

Yesterday Emily and Becky gave me the wrong impression. Ben came over to me today and apologised for the impression they painted, mildly flirted with me, made sure I was okay (Becky has taken to calling me "Stroopy Moo" and telling everyone I am in bad mood when I am not) and being really friendly. I admit I like it when he is nice, as he is one of the sweetest people I know.

Mum is in a highly stressed mood. You know sometimes I wonder why I didn't go for my "swim" in Marseille it would have been so much easier...

Realised today I am missing the Whitstable Oyster Festival. I know it doesn't sound exciting but there is a festival and fireworks etc. and I spent a good summer in 1999 in Whitstable and that was the highlight. That and the BBQ's as Mo's (a 33 year old lesbian, former friend of mine).

Say goodbye to Flooble, it was causing my page to take ages to load. And Pete. Why, oh why, is my title legible? *stands with hands on hips awaiting an anwser*

Thursday, July 25, 2002

What A Big Mistake

I am so in the doghouse with Ben...

Basically he assumed I would be meeting him last night at the Leas Club. He failed to confirm it with me. In fact he hasn't spoken to me much since the 19th when he got together with his laddish friends. But he still thought I would simply do as told and report to him at the pub and be his friend and look after him (he is scared of the Leas Club, remember the toilet incident?)

Becky and Emily relayed this to me today. And guess what, I actually feel bad. So tomorrow when he comes in I am going to be extra nice to him, just to make myself feel better. Even though Ben hasn't made an effort to speak to me in ages.... Time to put my "being nice routine" into practise for once...

My new Sims are Mat and Marek. I hope they have as lovely relationship as my last Sims (see April posts).

Got my old computer back. It is fixed but has some groovy new features that I don't understand. It does have a webcam and it can play the Sims (expect boring Sims related stories from now on :o) )!!! Woohoo!!!

Thank you readers for sticking with this while I have been off and thank you Pete for keeping my blog alive. :o)

Been really unhappy over the last week. But yesterday evening, instead of going out with Becky, Emily and Ben as planned, I had a night in. I can not remember when I last had one. This cheered me up (along with Terminator, Predator and Alien which made me smile).

I have decided to try and be less arrogant from now on and try to get to know my friends better. I know becky from work better than I know my own mates. Scary!!

I have decided San Francisco is to be my next destination. Watch this space......

Gone off Ben, Completely. He is even more immature and fickle than me (impossible I know!!). I like my men intelligent, mature and fun-loving. I want intensive conversations about politics, art and history, not about Posh 'n' Becks or Big Brother III (=So Very Boring)

Aaaahhh!! Need a man. Feeling so empty without one. (tut tut, John, you are so dirty!!)

Right must stop being self-fitying... time to dust of the Great, New and Improved Jae Project 2002.....

Saturday, July 20, 2002

Posts may become few and far between as my computer is deaded. :o( And I won't be able to read your blogs either. I am already suffering withdrawal symptoms!!!

So yesterday was awful, nasty customers, same nasty debt related letters and Stephen phoned which reminded me, this summer i have no boyfriend. :o(

The good part was when Ben took his lunch early to "Keep me company" Sweet!!

I went out to the Leas Club and Pete had got me Madonna: The Intimate Biography. Joy!! Was there with Pete, Laura, Chris, Zoe, John, Elliot, and Sean. Rob, Sophie and Plastic Matt also made appearences. Saw Becky, Mat, Emmsy and that really hot guy from Thursday.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Boing! Plastic Matt is Back

In a development Mister Plastic Matt himself has chosen to grace our small insignificant town with his illustrous prescence. Welcome back Matt (and thanks for the hovercraft transformer which I found in my travel bag the other day :o))

Went down Sunny Sands. Had a fun time, saw a cute gay couple lounging on the beach together. Then we went to Gee's saw Vicky, Pete and Chris hatched tentative plans to travel to the moon using one of Gee's umbrellas. Pete seemed to be in mad "Child Catcher" mood. Don't ask.

Then went to Sainsbury's for munchies. Mmmmm Coca Cola....

After which we headed for Ashford cinema and much to my annoyance saw Scooby Doo (I wanted Resident Evil). It was poo. Chris, Zoe and Pete seemed to like it tho.....

On Saturday at his party Elliot casually mentioned that he thought my sexuality was a "choice". Now it is time for my reply.

I did not choose to be gay. As Archbishop Desmond Tutu (a personal hero of mine) once said, you would have to be crazy to choose to be gay!! I would never have chosen to be gay. I would have liked a simple life. But I would never give up being gay now that I know there is nothing wrong with it.

In fact homosexuality seems perfectly normal to me and I find hetrosexuality hard to contemplate. I find men not only physically attractive but mentally attractive too. I am 100% gay. Girls are nice to chat to and all but... no thank you!! If you think homosexuality is a choice then you are more deluded than you think....

::use my guest map::

Saw Six Feet Under last night. It is better than ever!! Love it!!

::use my guestmap::

Work dull. Had lunch with Ben and That Girl. Walked home and it was really nice, sunny but cool, and I was so cheerful!! Home still stressful. Oh well I will survive (*Jae goes off singing and dancing a certain song, very camply!!*)

::use my guestmap::

Had to listen to my voice during an evaluation today. I sound camper than I expected.... oh well...

Oh by the way, hardly worth mentioning, why not, if you feel like it, use my guestmap? Not that I am bothered or anything...

Today I started on my early shifts (thats 08:00 - 16:15) and I had lunch with Ben, Emily and That Girl. Got alift home with Emily, she is a doll. At lunch Ben told us how he has no friends, due mainly to homophobia and bitchiness. And I felt so sorry for him. I so wanted to say "I'll be your mate." I mean I need more gay friends, he needs more mates (period). Perfect?

Reasons why I didn't:

1) I am a boring old fart that I am sure Ben gets so very tired of each day...
2) I fancy him. Not a very solid basis for a fair and equal friendship. And likely to cause me mental anguish.
3) And we live in Shepway. What is there to do???

Anyway on a related note, I reached the end of my tether today. I have a large man shaped hole in my life (oh please you have such a dirty mind, dear reader!!) and it is getting to me. I can't cope without a relationship. When I ran away to France me and Stephen were on a break. When I was "ill" me and Colin had parted.

I need someone else in my life, I feel like half a person without a boyfriend. I don't care about the sex (much...) I just want someone to chat to. I am now officially entering "Jae on the pull" mode. Watch out world. Jae is on the prowl. (*readers giggle at hilarity of the idea that Jae might manage to pull in Folkestone*)

I know for a few months over the winter I was really into clubbing and I suppose I thought that did. But each summer I remember what makes a really good night out. I have since about February gone off clubbing in a big way.

The best nights I have ever had comprise a few key features....

1) you must be with friends, people who you are comfortable enough around to enjoy the silences as well as the loud times.

2) you must be outside. This is key. I am Wiccan and during the summer there is nothing I like better than being out.... And contrary to popular belief Britian has nice summers... (the Green Festival in Mote Park was sooooo cool!!)...

3) Random bods..... they are usually friends of friends who turn out to be great fun and a good laugh... And as you are very unlikely to meet them again, you don't need to be hung up on impressing them..

4) plenty of food and drink. the night out must start at about 11am when you head off and finish only after the fire and the Bbq have turned to ash around 3am.

5) the music should be groovy but not overpowering... Morcheeba or Garbage.... Something summery and light.... it should be in the background while you have that deep conversaton about politics followed by a round of "what's your fav sex positon?" and then the telling of the "funny" story involving you, a cucumber and a trip to a&e....

6) you shouldn't get too drunk!!!! A few beers here and there and there will probably be some hash going round (not that I have any) and it should be mellow, not drunken

7) random trips to shops/beach/tattoo parlour are encouraged.... as long as you are only away from garden/beach party for no more than 15 minutes.. any longer and you will be alienated...unless you have a cool story to explain your abscence

Sunday, July 14, 2002

H.M.S. Diet Coke and the Purple Penguin

Chris and Zoe came round and whisked meoff to Dymchurch beach (which I was only talking about last blog!!). We wandered along, got wet in a stream (well I did the others cleverly jumped it) and then set forth the H.M.S. Diet Coke on its maiden voyage. Said can floated well so we set it on a second voyage in a faster stream. Then it got beached. We thought it was done for but then after much jumping up and down and sand throwing we unbeached it. Sadly one of Chris' shoes was lost to the great river. :o( We salute you shoe!! Then after traversing a patch of sinking sand we heard Claire screaming "Jason" from the sea wall.

She was out with her youth group and Zoe and Chris mentioned how drunk and camp I was last night :o(
Was I that camp? tell me I can take it.

Then we went to the amusements and I won a Purple Penguin called Bananas from a grab machine. Now you know how I spent my time in Brighton, winning cuddly toys on the pier (*hugs Honey*). Gave it to Zoe.

Yes here it is the (non) definitive list of songs that bring back memories and what those memories are.... (note there are a lot more than this!!)

"Holiday" by Madonna. This song is the first song I remember and brings back memories of being a child, and of Melly-Mels.

"Lovefool" by the Cardigans and "Head Over Feet" by Alanis. These songs remind me of my 1997 trip to Italy. This trip marked the beginning of my homosexual awakening. It was really nice, sunny weather and these songs remnd me of a carefree, happy time in my life.

"Frozen" by Madonna and "Mulder and Scully" by Catatonia. Reminds me of my first crush on the Sixth Former. I would listen to these while doing my paper round, and they aren't exactly happy or depressive memories. The lines:

"Things are getting strange,
I'm starting to worry,
This could be a case for Mulder and Scully"

are very appropriate!!

"Come Back To What You Know" by Embrace (that title sounds familiar...) is the song that reminds me of my time at Saga my crush on Adam the internal mail man, and my descent into my first depression, liable to make me cry.....

"Sweet Like Chocolate" by ? and "Summer Girls" by LFO. The best summer of my life!! Being on Dymchurch beach or having a random garden party, or making out with Colin while my mates all get stoned out of their heads (Jae looks on disapprovingly in between kissing :o) ) That summer was so hot and funky. Liable to make me dance even worse than usual...

"Stomp" by Steps. Mine and Stephens tune.......

"Maybe an Angel" by Heather Nova. Will make me cry, this is the song that I spent the days after Melly-Mels died listening to.....

So I have told you some of mine, why not tell me some of yours. If you have read this leave a note in my comments with a song that means something to you.....

Saturday, July 13, 2002

The Day Of Two Birthdays

I am so no drunk okay!!

OK so me and Pete completely missed each other!!

This gave me a chance to observe really cute gorgeous guy across road who I never see in winter but who spends his summer half naked and so obviuosly looking for a good shag (from me of course... or not). What does he do all year, as he lives exactly next door yet I obsessive Jae never see him!!

But in the end we got a taxi to Lyminge and I bought Elliot a card and a "Amazing Maze". Pet6e bought a crazy wizard hat. As we walked from taxi on Lyminge high street I checked to ensure I had my wallet. I did but Pete had forgotten hat!!!! I loudly proclaimed taxi driver was an idiot. Just as taxi driver pulled up to give Pete his hat....... whoops!!

Any way John and Elliot was at Elliot's birthday, plus his sister Lydia. His mum gave everyone hello and goodbye kisses (how brave!!) and there was jelly, beer and pass the parcel. I got a crazy bird song maker and a fart whistle.

Then after watching "Chasing Amy" ( a straight mans fantasy movie.....in which a lesbian turns hetro) we got a taxi to Hawkinge and Sarah's birthday BBQ.

She was drunk, one of her normal friends was (I hate to bswear but I m drunk) fuckable....

Following the last post Elliot invited me to his birthday thingy so I shall go buy him a card and something random (porn?) and get a taxi up to his.

Feeling nostalgic. Listening to Madonna's Ray of Light album ("Substitute for Love"). I am in love. Goddam it. Feels like 1998 all over again!! Although 1998 is like the second best year of my life so far so that isn't a bad thing!!

Meeting Pete in Cheriton soon...... Hear he has some interesting stories....Oh and Pete you really need to publish a story about that letter of complaint it is so so funny!! :o)

Friday, July 12, 2002

Run Away!!

Today at work was boring, lunch with Ben and That Girl (must find out her name). Ben told me he had thrown up earlier on. We also discovered that we were known as "The Gay Ones" and are considered a couple (not in a love way as in a couple of mates who are always together). Alex joins us, and Ben stops reading my Gay Times hands it back to me making sure that Alex sees the cover (porn star). He justs loves outing me!!!

Then....

18:00 Jae awakes mid call when old lady starts saying "Hello anyone there? You ok love?" and sees Ben is missing, but computer still on.... he must be on a break.

18:30 Jae sees Ben still not there, starts to worry that Ben might be throwing up on toilets and there was no one to help him....

19:00 Jae decides Ben might be dead, starts to enquire of Reena where he is. She doesn't know.

19:58 Jae really worrying, evil call comes in (Mat had cancelled someone booking!!). Goes to supervisor to ask advice while there, informed by the Second Most Boring man In the World (who sees I am worried out of my small little mind) that Ben is fine just gone home ill. That Girl asks "Who is ill?" "Ben" "Oh is he the other gay.... um..... one..." Walks away looking embarassed. Jae realises he doesn't just like Ben. He has a major crush.... Slaps his own hand..... (no dirty thoughts please!!)

I am bored of being single (I know it has only been two weeks!!) and am on the look out for a relationship... (* Jae's male readers run for cover!!*).

Went out to Spoons with John, Pete, Zoe, Claire, and Chris, Pete and Chris really drunk. Me tired. They went to Indigo and I went home. Highlight: bloke with really nice arse stands nearby every so often bending over the railings.... mmmmmm nice.

So yesterday at work...... Becky and Mat failed to turn up as they had gone done Indigo and were suffering hangovers. My mentor Valerie paid me a visit with some evaluation she had done on my calls. I got 77.74% coming second in the group, Ben beat me with 78%.

Realised John Pierce is in the running for Most Boring Man In The World when he spent lunch reading a dutch magazine to me, Ben and that new temp girl I had lunch with the day before. Ben confided in me "The people here are really getting me down...." pauses, "...not you, of course" Seems his team won't really talk to him, and he is thinking of leaving. :o( He also told me he is thinking of doing a Jae (not in that way you dirty people...) and run off to France on his own for a while.... I hope I haven't started a trend among young Shepway people.....

Ben left at 7pm (an hour early how did he manage that!!!), and after work I got home tried on my nifty new jeans (woohoo) and then rushed out with Chris, Zoe and Pete to the Happy Frenchman. The times before when I have been there (Shaven Haven gigs and the like) I have always found it dead dull, filled with old people.But not last night!! Everyone I have ever known, and then who have fallen off the radar were there. Chris Bassant (Lynda at work is his mums best friend) and Chris Dunham from school. Some random bods I had once spent a day stuck in a bus in a car park with. In France.... Sam Johnson, a couple of gay blokes I recognised. Some of the FOD crew (drama people who frequent Gee's)... oh and of course I finally all too briefly met Emmsy of blogging fame!!! Check my links if you don't read her blog. And there was this guy there who was the spit of CD. Oh he was fine!!

Cool people, brilliant band, really cute guys (some actually gay), people with actual fashion sense. I had a really great night. Me and Pete hatched tentative plans for a complete reinvention. Got home had a reheated pizza, chatted about deep shite with Tony, went to bed happy.

Thursday, July 11, 2002

And Happy Birthday Emily

I got to work yesterday and there was new trainee buddied up with Jackie. She said hello to me, and I said hi back kind of confused why she had greeted me. She transferred to Lynda right next to me, and I realised I recognised her voice, it was Steph Wright!! Felt mildly embarassed I hadn't noticed her.....

The High Commissioner phoned up Ben to complain they had recieved a com fax. Ben told them I had sent it. I mentioned "The Secret Life of the Office" to Lynda and then Reena joined then suddenly the call centre came alive with people proclaiming how they could never work for that bloke.

Had lunch with Ben, one of the new temps who started with Alex and the most boring man in the world. Me and Ben discussed whether we were going to come out to our teams... they are already asking questions. I said I would. I have nothing to hide have I? We discussed Emily's birthday. Someone from Snodland who knows my family phoned up!!

After work at 20:00 me and Ben rushed to Tesco's got Emily a card each (mine was of course a naked muscled himbo) and grabbed a taxi for Spoons. We meet Ross (an experienced agent whos started again on the same day we did), Mat and his laddish mates. I went to get another drink, saw Becky, Emily, Susanna and a few random bods at the bar. Then I meet Rhys Griffiths and Terry Sharp from school had a good natter with them. Me and Ben joined the girls, Becky and Emily confirmed they would not tell Ben anything. And I headed off for gees in another taxi.

Pete, Laura and Sophie (three people I haven't seen in a while) were here. It was great seeing them although Laura seemed depressed which brought me down a little. Got home and had a very surreal dream. Of late I have dreams and I actually remember them. Odd.

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Happy Birthday Sarah

Before the serious stuff.....

Happy Birthday Sarah!! Where has she been?

And I forgot to say but yesterday I had a phone conversation with the High Commissioner of the United Republic of Cameroon. As you can imagine this made me happy..... but I have yet to tell anyone as I keep forgetting!!!

So you think things are getting better do you? Part two of many

The scene: A country where same sex relationships have been decriminalised. Two young men, both aged 17, are arrested by police on suspicion of having sex in a car park at a secluded beach (hardly a crime at all in my opinion). They are forced to strip and are beaten with an iron bar ruthlessly. At the police station, they are subjected to homophobic insults, are not allowed to put on their underwear, and are refused permission to contact relatives or lawyers.

May I remind you these are 17 year old boys. Imagine how scared you would be.

There is a subsequent investigation of the incident, but the official conclusion, some 16 months later, is that no cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment has been meted out to anyone in custody.

Where did this happen? Why the "idyllic" holiday destination of the Bahamas. This country survives on tourism, so every visitor there is in reality supporting the continuation of homophobia. Support Freedom and Justice and don't go on holiday to openly homophobic countries.

And if you think this only happens in other countries.....think again. Thank you Duncan for the link.

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

The ETCC Rules!!

I just saw "The Secret Life Of The Office". It is about life in a call centre. The company was 'Holiday Autos' and the managing director was a mad, crazy control freak, who seemed to hurt his business more than he helped. The call centre staff looked harassed and unhappy. The male managers using gimmicks like alcohol to bring about short term increase in sales.

I work for a company who run the busiest rail service, in the world. Yet our call centre is always a calm and pleasant place to work. If you make a mistake, you are corrected gently, and promptly in a helpful way. Everyone is kind and thoughtful. The call centre supervisors (mostly women) are always there to help if you go wrong.

OK I think you have probably all had enough of my wallowing in self pity, so I won't do it anymore (tell you about it anyway!).

Work was so dull. Had lunch with Ben when I discovered me and Emily were the first people (except his sister and his boyfriend) who he told was gay. Rather proud. :o)

So many stupid/nasty people phone up!! Thinking of recording their details and stalking them. Had my calls monitored today. Told I was doing well. Alex (not Rebecca!!) the new girl made terrible booking errors yesterday and today I had to clean it up. Joy!!

OK so we've had "Lovefool" by the Cardigans, which sent me off to venice (1997) where me, Sam Markram and Tom Quaye were attempting to get to the coach before it left (across Venice!!), then we've got "Truly Madly Deeply" by Savage Garden.

That sent me off to 1998 and my paper round and coming to terms with being gay and desperately hoping that I'd see the Sixth Former that day at school.

Lyte Funky Ones "Summer Girls" has just been on the radio and now I really am properly depressed today. I miss my friends of 1999. Colin and the like. We had so much fun. Then they left to get themselves lives and I stayed. And me and Colin broke up and I don't think I ever quite recovered from that.

One minute I had a cute boyfriend and good friends . The next they were gone. Jenny went to Machester. Colin to Glasgow. The other six went off to their unis too. And now I only see them once a year for our reunion. And "Summer Girls" is played like a hundred times, it was the soundtrack for the best year of my life so far.

And now I am left to ponder, my day at work is going to be shit. And I haven't got Colin to talk to about it. And I haven't got Jenny or Caroline to mess about with to cheer me up. My current mates are great. But... I can't communicate properly with them (not their fault, it's my fault!!)

Is there I chance I might just pop out of existence today? Please say there is. The ground could swallow me up and I would welcome it today.....

In highly stressed, likely to kill, mood. I have a hangover from yesterday to deal with (my fault entirely) and now I another kind of headache at work to face. The Fallout from John's accidental mention that I fancied Ben (again my fault I should never have wrote it here).

I believe Emily and Becky are trustworthy. But I also believe all humans are fallible. Emily and Ben are very close and it's only a matter of time before he finds out, and I lose yet another gay friend. :o( It will become all arkward and I'll withdraw into myself again. I may fancy him but I never suggested I wanted to go out with him or anything. And now just for saying that I am going to have an awful couple of days.....

We have calculated that you are 34 % impure
Saint: Hmmm - suspiciously pure! Are you sure you're being honest with yourself? There's nothing wrong with being careful - but don't be scared to experiment. Get ready to live a little…

So I almost walked to spoons but feeling so bored I decided to get taxi. Elliot and John were there, Pete, Chris and Zoe had done a runner. Becky, Emily and Susanna arrived. Susanna was a girl who went to school with Emily and Becky and started with the new temps today. Males from said new temps were very cute.....

Anyway I got very drunk, (stilll am) went to Leas with Elliot and John while the girls stayed at spoons, git lift home with Johnns mum.

At spoons John let slip that I fancy Ben. Thank you so much John.... Now he will know within 24 hours!!! Oh well I am drunk so right now I don't care. But I will later on!!!!!

Monday, July 08, 2002

Shrek and Other Such Fun

Last night went out with Chris and Zoe, "flew" a kite (as well as you can when it stays on the ground), and then went round Chris' house to watch Shrek (which of course I watch every chance I get). Nice night, thank you guys.

The story below really is just one of many. I want to remind people that homophobia (big and small) stills exist and that we still must watch out. Please remember in no country do gay men and lesbians have the same rights as heterosexuals. Only in South Africa do we approach it. That's NO COUNTRIES!!! That is unforgivable.

Today at work had lunch with Ben, swapped mags with Ben and discussed the worst example of homophobia we could imagine, A fate worse than death. That is coming tomorrow.

Got a lift home with Ben and his dad and I think I am supposed to be going out right now, am so very tired.....

At first, the cyclist thought it was a scarecrow. Bound to a fence post in the middle of the Wyoming nowhere, what else was it going to be? Only when he got closer, he realised it wasn't a scarecrow at all. It was a person. A man. Well, a boy really. A 21-year-old of around 5'2" and eight stone. He was unconcious, broken. He had no shoes on. There was a deep gash in his head. The boy's face was covered in blood save only for those tracks cleared by his own tears.

Matthew Shepard had been tied to the post at the end of a dirt track, he hands fastened behind his back. He had been beaten with fists and pistol whipped. The boys who tortured him- Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson- stole his credit card and his shoes and left him for dead in the cold dead of an October night.

But he was alive. He lived for 5 days, his parents by his side. On October 12th 1998 he died, the first day of America's National Gay Awareness Week.

Shepard had been to his local unis LGBT meeting and after failing to persuade any one there to go the rowdy Fireside Bar and Lounge he was given a lift home. No one knows what porsessed him to then leave his house and go to the Bar on his own.

McKinney later told his girlfriend "a guy had walked up to him and said he was gay and wanted to get with Aaron and Russell. I got aggravated with him and didn;'t want anythoing to do with him." Later the two bigots decided to pretend to be gay and lure the naive and emotionally scarred Shepard with promises of sex and then rob him. They took him out into the wilds, stole his card, took his shoes to slow him if he escaped, and battered him to unconsciousness because..... they could.

They were on their way to rob his house when they got in another fight they got life sentences and the girlfriends were charged with accessory to murder. Shepard, a HIV+ boy who once on a school trip to Morocco had been gang raped by six men on his way to his hotel, never came back to conciousness.

At his funeral, while his parents were present, Baptists protested with signs such as "Fags Die. God laughs" and "Matt Burns In Hell".

And some gay men have the audacity to say things like "I am gay but that isn't important" or "I am no flag waver". (Will Young and Scott Mills I am looking at you). Shepards mum says of Matthew: "He wasn't a saint. He was just a young man in search of himself. He was special because he was gay. Because he has always been different, that difference made him more thoughtful and empathetic."

In his search Matt was like many other gay men, who are happy living their lives, no matter how difficult the circumstances.

Sunday, July 07, 2002

Am really pissed off now

Why do frigging internet people think they can pass judgement on me?

That stupid stalker bloke who I told you about, he IMs me and I had forgotton about him (his air of mystery was so boring). Then he gives me my home address then passes comment on my relationship with Stephen. Well sorry mate but even my friends and readers don't know the whole story. He has really pissed me off saying "Oh you sure know how to treat people" and the like. Am in a really nasty horrible, scream and shouting kind of mood now.

I don't go around suggesting things about the bloggers I meet and i certainly don't expect some internet stalker to pass judgement on me..... I hate this fucking world hope all these nasty people die horrible painful deaths.

Last night was nice I went round Zoe's to watch The Mummy Returns, with her and her brother. There simply wasn't enough half naked men fighting to keep me interested. But it was a nice night any way.

Zoe told me rumours that Pete is "stuck to a ceiling in Belgium". Sadly it is all too believeable....

Today work started at 08:00 and was so slow. Dave dumped Becky by text. She was upset not in a crying wringing "look at me" kind of way, but in a far deeper, and poignant way. She told me stuff that I can't reveal but I really felt for her and offered the best help that I could.

On 11:45-20:00 shifts Mon-Fri. Joy.....

Starting tomorrow (it is Europride day today) I shall begin a feature to show you why Pride is still important in the 21st century. Starting with the Matt Shepard story...

Saturday, July 06, 2002

Especially For You: A Really Long Post

Well I never have got round to telling you about what happened to me in between my suicide threats in Rome and my reappearance in this shitty little town did I? So here it is in full and only slightly edited (for the first part check out my January posts)....

I got up really early in the Hotel Scott House and packed up my stuff. I was really, really stressd out. Using my ticket I purchased the day before I boarded the train bound for Milan. An old lady sat opposite me and all was quiet until....

....a group of Italian students arrived, two sat in my booth and the rest took over the carriage. They were doing some sort of project in some town (Regina something or other) and were still doing it as they travelled. It involved going through a magazine and randomly circling things.

Well that was how it appeared. Travelling back through the snow (I never thought it snowed in Italy!) I became heavily involved in helping the students, well they literally dragged me into their group and adopted me against my better judgement. So for four hours I was happy, completely forgetting how depressed I was. Well I did have cute Italian guys to watch and joke around with. They were all so nice.

They got off just before Milan and I was left alone. In Milan I literally had to work my socks off to get on to a train to Paris. I had to go 1st class as it was full which meant I had no money left. I spent the trip (by TGV I was so pleased to see one again) in a small compartment with 4 businessman and a confused American rich student who constantly had to ask me things like "Wheres the loo?" "Do they have a food cart?" Despite my pointing to the large picture signs which were simple to understand he never grasped the idea that the toilets were right next to us.

I arrived in Paris at about 11pm. I had been travelling for over 15 hours, the TGV had broken down on the way. I had no money. No room. And no chance to contact mum until the morning. So I travelled the metro to the Gare du Nord, and wandered around until 4am.

While I was wandering I entered the Moulin Rouge district. I was offered sex shows 15 time and sex 5. I was plied with British (!) women and everything. I ran away from there!!

At 4am the Gare du Nord opened for Eurostar crossings so I sought refuge there. Myself, a mad Swedish gent, a lovely Dutch expat living in Spain and a really ugly homeless man crowded round platform 10s (I think thats the number) standing radiator. The Swedish bloke was very intelligent and when a Japanese family joined us he chatted away in Japanese. He left then the Duth lady and I discused cats until I pointed out her train and we parted. Sadly said train was in fact going in completely the wrong direction. (Hope she is ok....)

After discussing with my mum money she promised to get 40 pounds in my account by 10am.

It quickly became apparent that there was more to platform 10 than meet the eye. I was being cruised. I consulted my Spartacus international gay guide and low and behold, platform 10 was a gay cruising area.

The people around the radiator changed and I was chatting with a gay guy when two boys of about 15 arrived lugging really heavy bags. They looked at me and the bloke (Jean) and then began kissing in a rather heated way, in an attempt to get a reaction. They were obviously out to make a point. Me and jean exchanged looks of "Ah bless, how sweet"

Then two old ladies started kicking up a fuss telling the boys off, making the bigger one get protective of the more effeminate one. Me and Jean told them to leave it but they went and got one of the gendarmes with their army escorts. They came over told the old ladies off for making a nusicance and left. :o)

The boys left, heading for a run away attempt to Amsterdam. I mentally wished them all the luck in the world and felt my spirits lifted by such a sweet couple. I really wished I had done something like that when I was 15.

Around 11 I got my money and a ticket for a train at 16:00.

At 13:00 a small bomb exploded, but no one seemed to care. France is a strange place.

I got my Eurostar to Calais, another train into town, I joined a group of foolish day trippers who I helped get home as they had no idea how to get the port. On the bus the driver looked at me, smiled and said "You again, enjoy your trip did you?"

The ferry took ages and I got home so late. Mum came and picked me up from Dover station and was so over dramatic, and then I was home in my bed, and my travel bag was falling to pieces and I couldn't stay awake any longer. My adventure had ended.....for the time being.....

Amazing but true, I went out with people who are not my normal group of mates!! I got to Skuba just on time, but Ben was half an hour late. I didn't see Emma until she was outside when I saw her walking away with a bloke and a girl. You were looking particularly cool Emma. :o)

Anyhew me and Ben decided Skuba was too boring and the clientele too predictable so we went to the Leas Club and found Mat, Becky and her boyfriend Dave. Mat is such a lad, which is funny. We all went to 'Spoons and then Mat and his mates went off done Indigo, and Becky discussed how camp I am of late and how it took Mat a week to realise I was gay. He he he.

Anyway Dave is far nicer than Becky made out, he seems to have a real nice sense of humour. He reminds me of Richard from uni. Ben spent the night on the phone to his boyfriend or trying to decide whether to say hi to John Pierce. He did.

Friday, July 05, 2002

A Mixed Bag

Okay so this morning was awful. I was on my own as Lynda was away and got so bored i resorted to actually doing paperwork, god damn it.....

Lunch time perked me right up tho. Chatted with becky and Dave and we got Mat a birthday card. He was dead chuffed. Saw Emily and Kat. And Ben positively ordered me to go to Skuba with him tonight, at 19:30. The afternoon came and i felt much better, i chatted to the new temp, Rebecca, who starts properly on Monday, and tried to give myself an air of maturity. She said i sounded really good on the phones. At which point Ben popped over, pasted a post-it with his phone number on my head and throw milky buttons at me. My air of maturity was gone.

Ben proceeded to go round everyone in the centre and hand out what appeared to be alimitless supply of buttons. Amazing.

Did nothing last night. Did get a phone call from Aaron which was rather random. Work really dragged on and with no ben and Becky on different shift patterns to me I have spoken to only Lynda (she sits next to me today) in the "real world" today. And all that was was her telling me off (sweetly) about eating chocolate and drinking coke.

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

My Solemn Promise

I promise from now on to be the nicest I can possibly be. I wipe the slate clean. If I have disliked you before now it's time for a fresh start. Today in the chat rooms (it's my day off) I met some really nasty gay blokes. I refuse to be like them.

Forgive me if I have hurt you. Let's start again shall we? And if I meet any nasty people I shall go out of my way to ensure I don't let them get to me and if they do that I ensure they never get at anyone else ever again. Nasty people beware. I have had enough.

"It's got to be perfect,
It's got to be worth it
Too many people take second best,
But I won't take anything less"
"Perfect" - Fairground Attraction

I know everyone knows I am gay. But still I sometimes forget. Not the sexuality part, but how I identify and who with.

In the past I have been a bit of homohomophobe. This is a term I saw Matt Lucas use to describe those gay men who are prejudiced against camp men and avoid leading a gay social life. When I used to go out to the gay bars in Canterbury with Stephen, you would find me chatting and laughing with the straights and the lesbians, while Stephen went off with his gay friends.

I realise now my self imposed isolation from the gay community in the interests of social inclusion with straights was a big mistake. In the last few weeks I have begun to realise how lonely I feel since losing all my gay mates. It is not depressing me as such it's just suddenly I understand what is missing in my life.

My straight mates are great and I wouldn't want to lose them. But I also need to spread my wings, rediscover the "chicken" inside myself. I apologise to the gay men I have ignored simply because I wanted to avoid the gay ghetto and I warn those gay men who are bitchy and cruel, Jae is back on the scene and he ain't going to let you hurt him this time....

Ben was telling me he has no friends in his home town (homophobia is rife on Romney Marsh as everywhere in this country) and asked if he could come out with me. Why, I think it's time to give him a call, don't you?

In other news the strange bloke who emailed me, I think I know who it is. Shall keep you informed. And if you hven't checked out my links recently, why not? There's loads of newish links there. Go visit.

Work really dragged yesterday as there were hardly any calls and most of the calls were price enquiries. Had lunch with Becky, me and Evil Fat Bitch are now at least on rolling eye terms, and one bloke phoned up and asked (this is a car shuttle service may I add) "Are driving licenses important?"

I walked home with a spring in my step not realising until I got to my street that I had walked all the way home with very limp wrists. I have begun to notice I slip more and more each day into campness. Nothing wrong with it, but it's strange how quickly it has turned up.

I went out with Annie, Zoe and Pete to the Leas Club, saw Becky again, then I saw Elliot. It seemed to take the others longer to spot him despite the fact he seemed to be on fire. Any way John, Elliot and, I have been told Ed arrived. We left. After discovering a whole, brand new alley way, we headed for Gees. Saw Sonia, who was excited about her new computer publishing abilities, Pete had a really nice drink (mmmm aniseed), and Zoe had some chips (mmmmm chips).

Annie told me about a party she went to last night at the hockey club. Guess who was djing? MT himself!!!! And I saw his big (and he is very well tall, and broad shouldered) brother Andrew the other day, who is just as gorgeous....Spent the night reminding myself... MT is not to be lusted over.....

Tuesday, July 02, 2002

Absolute Randomness

I had a very random night last night. Claire, Pete, me, Zoe and Chris drove around for ages trying to find something to do that didn't involve Wetherspoon's. We went to Dover, Samphire Hoe (thats all the rubbish from Eurotunnel dumped in the sea, given a new name and calleda nature reserve), discovered Pete's lush new phone works in tunnels and ended up at Claire's via some cheese stick buying. (They are delicious)

Chris and Zoe went as they were tired or something and me, Pete and Claire went into her house. Sometime in the evening Claire's German students who are staying for a couple of weeks came in and asked "Is Michael Howard a good MP?" Thus we all dispensed some good bits of wisdom "He is a bastard" "He takes from the poor and gives to the rich" etc. Completely unbiased of course.....

Claire's mum, bless her, gave me a lift home. Six Feet Under just gets better. Last night's involved the ghost of a gang leader dispensing advice to David on coming out and not being "no ones bitch". QUALITY.

Monday, July 01, 2002

Wanna Be In Mister Scooby's Gang?

Today, after a few weeks of rejection from Angel, Mister Scooby decided that I am to be his new best friend. So today I was not best pleased to find while seating down a "nice" "gift" lying between my feet. It was a dead mouse. Cheers Scoob's. Bring me Tom Welling next time okay? :o)

Mum, the troublesome car and her depression have left the building. She is spending her first few days at her new job at HQ up in Worchester, so she is away. Leaving me in the company of Tony and the Twins. As you can imagine, I am so happy.

Or Not.

My first full day of proper work. There is a lady on my team who has so got it in for me, for no reason. This has cheered me up immensely. You see now I have someone who I can annoy endlessly. She will wish she never started on the New and Improved Jae. I only like nice people.

Me and Becky are so pleased to be on the same team. It really helps. We have a little extra safety net. Ben is on the team next to us and sits next to one of the Pierce twins (from the year above me at school). Pierce is so gay. And Ben thinks he is cute. Poor deluded Ben..... Jeremy is cute!!

Becky, me and Ben went to lunch together in what appears to be a hidden break room. No one else EVER goes there.