Wow, that sounds really pathetic, even from my lips. I know there's a sizeable population here who has regular sex, without being in a committed relationship. That sounds nice.

I'm figuring I can forget about the committed relationship part because I'm not sure that there's a woman alive who can stand to be near me longer than however long it would take to get acquainted with and pleased by my dick. And even that's hypothetical But just sex at least would be nice.

See, the problem is I'm 21 and ( brief rehash here) I've never had sex, had a girlfriend, kissed a girl... And that's pathetic. I need to end that.

I used to go to parties back in my first and second year of college... I never got laid. Not for lack of trying... ok, maybe for a lack of trying. But there ARE guys who can get laid without trying, and I was uhh... just trying to copy them.

Unfortunately I could never really do that.

So I got less into the "hooking up" aspect of parties and more in the "getting stoned and drunk off my ass to kill the pain" aspect. After that experience I swore off partying, drinking, friends, smoking etc. For about two years.

For those two years I was depressed and didn't even think about getting laid. Pretty much became assexual by most definitions, started to see women as being repulsive which I know isn't always true. Maybe I still hold that attitude about a lot of women my age.

Well, it's 2 years later and while I'm not perfect, I'm not nearly so depressed. Getting a bit horny, but turns out things have changed in the last few years. My former circle of friends has pretty much all either broken up, or grown up (retired from living a life of drunkenness and random sex for jobs, families, marriages etc.)

So the party front is dead pretty much. As a matter of fact so is the friend part.

I've gone to clubs in the past, but they all seem to be noisy environments that are the least condusive atmosphere for hooking up that I can imagine. Plus as I've said, no friends will even go with me there anymore, and I'd feel pretty pathetic just sitting there alone...

How do people do that?

I'm out of the "something must be wrong with me" phase, because I've seen guys with PLENTY wrong with them hook up on a regular basis, so even if there is a bit wrong with me it can't be that...

But I am doing something wrong arent' I? How do I get back into the swing of things? Exactly what am I (have I) been doing that's lead me here, to this fairly sordid state?

Uhh... if anyone knows anywhere decent to hook up around Riverside CA I'd be happy to listen.

Being a virgin sucks. Especially when my dick is so big (well not huge but still). It's just wasted on me at the moment.

Gold Member

Get involved in some civic project or do volunteer work in an activity that you enjoy. Make sure that the project or activity is coed. You will surely meet some one who may be interested in you as a person, first, then make the move for casual dates, etc.

Gold Member

You know what? This is a remarkably candid and brave thread. You really put yourself out there, and it is admirable. The Dear Abby answer is a good one, but some of what you find difficult probably has as much to do with introversion as anything else.

There are people (extroverts) who not only don't find loud noisy environments difficult, they are actually energized by them, but you are not one of them. Introverts find such environments tiring. Still, you ought to set some exact parameters, say that (in addition to the suggested civic projects) you will go to one of these more demanding places for an hour, and put yourself out there with the energy and concentration that you put into this thread. Go to the same place several times so you get to be a known commodity. Know that it will take a lot out of you, and you will need some time to recover later, but you have to have some exchange with people who are trying hard to mix with others in order to find someone. Don't expect instant results. Make yourself talk to people. Don't just sit there, even though that is the impulse. As they say in Noo Yawk, you "gotta walk it around some."

I feel for you. When I was 21, I wasn't a virgin, but I was just getting out of my second relationship, which had been pretty long and involved just like my first relationship, and I was basically completely new to the whole dating scene. I was undergoing something of a sexual reawakening at the time and wanted to try being with lots of new people since up to that point the entirety of my sexual experience was almost all my first two girlfriends. I knew, just like you know, that there were guys that age who were getting laid left and right and who didn't really have anything special going for them. The fact that I couldn't do this also made me somewhat bitter.

I had a few sexual experiences after getting out of relationship number 2, but after that when I was about 23-24 I went through a really bad dryspell where it was well over a year where I had not had sex with anyone, had not been in a relationship with anyone, and hadn't even really been on a date. I'm not sure what exactly happened to get me out of this funk. I think part of it was the trip to Europe I took in the summer of 2004. The girls over there were great and that was a big confidence booster. I'm sure you've heard this before but confidence really is very key. After I got back from that trip my sexlife has been considerably better, and by and large it keeps improving. I'm 27 now and having more and better sex than I was when I was 21.

Don't let anyone tell you that it's only one thing and that they've got the magic bullet answer to get you laid. It's not just one thing. I know I just said confidence was key, and there is no doubt that this is HUGE, but like anything else it's not the only thing that matters.

I posted some of my thoughts in this very similar thread if you'd care to read them:

Ultimately, you're a really good-looking young guy, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to get laid. I know it's hard, but try not to be bitter, try not to be desperate. Often you are going to find things when you're not even really looking for them. LIKE yourself, be comfortable with yourself, put yourself out there. Try a lot of different approaches and see what works best for you. I think I am like you in that I'm not too good at parties or clubs for some reason, but anywhere you can meet girls is fine, and that's pretty much everywhere. Just practice talking to them and you'll get better. If you're too shy to pull it off in person it's pretty easy to meet girls online. Try myspace, facebook, any website with a message board or chat room. Those online dating sites can be frustrating but I've met a few women through them, as well.

Anywhere you go it's important that you are somehow visible and seem approachable. Don't go into a chatroom and post "anybody want to hook up?" once every 30 seconds. That's not going to work. If you're on a board like this or in a chat online just try to contribute something, be witty and sincere. It helps if you're a regular. Once people get to know you a bit you'll find it's much easier to talk to the women who are around. If you are at a bar try to build a rapport with the bartender, or go talk to the guys in the band. Don't lurk by yourself in a corner. If you're in a class or engaging in one of these civic projects some people are suggesting giving a whirl, just speak up, make your presence known.

I feel like I'm starting to repeat myself now, though there's a lot more I could say. Be confident. Try different approaches. Don't get discouraged. Be socially involved. Eventually you'll find your own tempo and figure out what works for you. There are lots of different kinds of girls out there and they don't all go for the same thing so I'd say the most important part is just being comfortable with yourself, doing your own thing and doing it well. That, and trying not to get discouraged. good luck.

parties, bars, supermarket, gym, library,at a red light, community pool, neighbors, beach, events, concerts, walking down the sidewalk, sporting event, social club and just about anyplace more then 3 people are gathered for any reason.

the worst part is that you WILL have to do some kind of vocal interaction with the person you want to stick your penis into.

i wouldnt turn into a serial rapist (unless the person asks you to play rape them.) you dont sound like the type that would fare to well in jail for a long period of time

I don't like clubs that much either. Although I met my ex there but that was by chance...I was really drunk, got separated from my flatmates...and just walked over to this tiny little thang and said 'hi' then maybe what's your name, what uni you at, what you studyin. Then we were grindin...and I went back to hers. No sex but got her number and MSN then things went from there.

I'm really introverted too. I would say just chat to girls on the street, wherever you see them. Library might be good. Some hotties in Walmart too!

Maybe join some clubs or online forums relating to your interests. My ex's sister is on a Lion King fansite and they had a meetup last week and came from all over the world. The weirdest thing is they were all 22+ !! (ex's sis is 15)

Anyway, just talk to girls on the street. I'm meeting up with a girl from *gasp* myspace tomrrow too. It wasn't planned but she's hot and she thinks I'm hot...

There are loads of places. You just have to put yourself out there. A good programme on the other night was Seduction School on channel 4 (UK). There was an obese man, a 6'5" guy with long arms who was uncomfy with himself and a guy with rickett's who was maybe 4' tall. They all got women...numbers at least, and dates and probably sex.

Good luck. It really is the guy that has to do all the work, girls don't like to ask guys out (generally)

Your dick looks bigger than 7x5 too btw lol. You could even do what I did and 'get a fat chick just to practice on'...not my words but thats advice I was given. Fat chicks are horny and easy lays...but I felt dirty afterwards.

Wow, that sounds really pathetic, even from my lips. I know there's a sizeable population here who has regular sex, without being in a committed relationship. That sounds nice.

I'm figuring I can forget about the committed relationship part because I'm not sure that there's a woman alive who can stand to be near me longer than however long it would take to get acquainted with and pleased by my dick. And even that's hypothetical But just sex at least would be nice.

See, the problem is I'm 21 and ( brief rehash here) I've never had sex, had a girlfriend, kissed a girl... And that's pathetic. I need to end that.

I used to go to parties back in my first and second year of college... I never got laid. Not for lack of trying... ok, maybe for a lack of trying. But there ARE guys who can get laid without trying, and I was uhh... just trying to copy them.

Unfortunately I could never really do that.

So I got less into the "hooking up" aspect of parties and more in the "getting stoned and drunk off my ass to kill the pain" aspect. After that experience I swore off partying, drinking, friends, smoking etc. For about two years.

For those two years I was depressed and didn't even think about getting laid. Pretty much became assexual by most definitions, started to see women as being repulsive which I know isn't always true. Maybe I still hold that attitude about a lot of women my age.

Well, it's 2 years later and while I'm not perfect, I'm not nearly so depressed. Getting a bit horny, but turns out things have changed in the last few years. My former circle of friends has pretty much all either broken up, or grown up (retired from living a life of drunkenness and random sex for jobs, families, marriages etc.)

So the party front is dead pretty much. As a matter of fact so is the friend part.

I've gone to clubs in the past, but they all seem to be noisy environments that are the least condusive atmosphere for hooking up that I can imagine. Plus as I've said, no friends will even go with me there anymore, and I'd feel pretty pathetic just sitting there alone...

How do people do that?

I'm out of the "something must be wrong with me" phase, because I've seen guys with PLENTY wrong with them hook up on a regular basis, so even if there is a bit wrong with me it can't be that...

But I am doing something wrong arent' I? How do I get back into the swing of things? Exactly what am I (have I) been doing that's lead me here, to this fairly sordid state?

Uhh... if anyone knows anywhere decent to hook up around Riverside CA I'd be happy to listen.

Being a virgin sucks. Especially when my dick is so big (well not huge but still). It's just wasted on me at the moment.

ANY help is appreciated

Slade

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Agree with the other advice you've been given; if you don't put yourself out there, you'll wind up at home, alone, typing messages on anonymous message boards (looks in mirror).

(People think I'm an extrovert, but I'm not).

I have to say, most people I know who've met people did so by chance---at the grocery store, the cleaners, church, school, a restaurant, etc.

The value of joining a social club or service organization is that it is far easier to talk to someone with whom you share a common interest---you've already got a conversation starter. If the conversation moves "further", well, great!

Gold Member

NineInchCock (as usual) gave excellent advice, in addition to most of the other posts. One thing I would add - while you go out and just get to know people and talk to them, try not to make "getting laid" your primary goal. When you can identifiy some activity where you feel comfortable and confident with yourself, women will just naturally start finding you attractive. If they sense that you are desperate or that you are just looking for quick sex, your chances for success will go way down. If you just enjoy yourself, things will naturally fall into place.

Having been with the same gf for fifteen years, I have forgotten how much I hate the dating scene or whatever it's called now. The guys I work with who are in their twenties frequently complain that they can't find anyone worth "dating" twice. One friend married a girl he met online; that ended in divorce a year later. Another hasn't been laid in over a year, and those of us who work with him REALLY want that to happen so that he'll quit complaining. The others have had a long string of unmemorable one-night stands (when they're lucky). Sadly, I have no advice for you other than to keep networking, follow up on leads from "helpful" matchmakers (even though most of those leads suck), and don't start lowering your standards. Empathy is really all I can offer.

As for the relationship, finding a girl who likes me stuff... I honestly am not sure theres a chick in the world who can just like me for me, but thats another story (not trying to draw pity, just noting history). So I think this is just going to be about hooking up. Moving on

As for the internet Yeah, sites like Facebook, Myspace etc. frustrate me to no end, but I could try that

I actually run an internet forum aimed at folks with a certain similar interest of mine, where I can actually be myself, and be witty, and Im not just looking to get laid at all. Saying that, Ive fallen for two girls on that forum, one of them WAY more than I should have and not only because she was a lesbian. A lesbian in a relationship. I attempted to pursue that made a fool out of myself. I know that was stupid, but I just had to. I couldnt not. Still friends, but in that awkward, weird way, and I showed a lot of weakness there, so I think she thinks less of me.

Girl number two from the forum? Oh yeah, shes a lesbian too. Go figure. Not in a relationship, but in New York for one thing. But still, lesbian. And Im not about to try that again as perfect as she seems. Im keeping that one just friends, thats as good as Im going to get. The internet and me have a tricky relationship, just like how all my relationships seem to be.

My hobbies arent exactly ones that girls are interested in. I like restoring old British Sports cars. Girls dont seem to be into that. (More 80 year old, handlebar moustache wearing, pipe smoking English gents, who I have no problem with, but dont want to stick my penis in.

Surfing. Not as many girls as youd think. Surfing beaches are typically hairy old man paradise. Nothing against them again. Im pretty hairy myself.

I play guitar. Girls dont do that but some of em like it apparently. Maybe I should start a band, but like I said, my friends have all moved on. Lacking seriously people to play with. (in more than one way it seems).

But you know what, after typing all that it just sounds like Im trying to make excuses for myself not to do this. Maybe I should... just stop thinking about all that shit.

Seriously though I can get involved in the civic stuff even though I really wouldnt know where to start with that any advice? What do you guys do/suggest? Do women my age really do that kind of stuff?

I guess I could find a quieter sort of bar or haunt And somehow work my way up to not feeling like a complete and total alien there.

God, this is so much energy involved So much stuff to do, having to keep my eyes open everywhere, but this just seems so intimidating and draining It seems like I just have to be on my guard, on my game, all the time for any of this to work at all. Its going to be hard, I know You guys have stated that. I guess I just have to learn to deal with things like that.

I guess I can do that. I dont think Ive ever done anything harder though. And god knows life hasnt been easy on me I might as well at least learn to get used to pain and rejection in a healthy way, if anything.

Confidence is another thing. I can try to act confident. You applaud me for my candor, but honestly for me, its hard not to always just be this honest. I cant keep an act like that up, feigning confidence. Well... I can try. Like I said, this sounds so draining for me...

as for this

Your dick looks bigger than 7x5 too btw lol. You could even do what I did and 'get a fat chick just to practice on'...not my words but thats advice I was given. Fat chicks are horny and easy lays...but I felt dirty afterwards.

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On my best day Im a bit bigger Id say 7.25x5.2 or so, but thats nitpicky isnt it :biggrin1: The fat chick part That kind of brings into question why I want to get laid in the first place I guess its just a self esteem builder for me, since Im pretty much not counting on ever having a relationship.

To prove Im no worse than anyone else, because Ive believed I was worse my whole life. I dont know if thats honorable at all. But I think its something I have to do. Maybe Ill still be a bit guilty about it and unfulfilled, but at least Ill have felt like I accomplished something, at least Ill have that.

Seriously though I can get involved in the civic stuff even though I really wouldnt know where to start with that any advice? What do you guys do/suggest? Do women my age really do that kind of stuff?

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One thing that you might want to try is to take a class in something you enjoy - photography, woodworking, cooking, or some such. It seems that a number of women, both young and formerly young, take these kind of classes hoping to meet guys. I'm a fat, middle-aged gay guy, and I can't take a woodworking class without getting hit on. Just smile nicely, be friendly, and give them a week or two to ask you out for coffee after class.