Month: February 2017

“Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is the medical term given to the response that most survivors have to rape. It is very important to note that RTS is the natural response of a psychologically healthy person to the trauma of rape so these symptoms do not constitute a mental disorder or illness.”

Immediately after a rape you become cold, disorientated, you may even tremble

In my case, I was stuck in my predators home on both occasions.

sophomore year: when someone at a young age because a victim of rape the emotional impact it causes are horrendous. Sleep disturbances. Eating disturbances.

I wasn’t considered a victim of rape my sophomore year.

Because I laid down and took it.

Imagine this:

You are a 15 year old. You are somewhere your parents don’t know where you are. Your phone is dying and you are in a room with a 19 year old. He is telling you stories of his past that included anger issues and abusive tendencies. You could see why I was scared. Do what he wants or get beat, and I didn’t know if he was going to stop if he started to hit me. You see he wasn’t the first girl he had done it too. But I had not known that when I got in the car with him.

Behavioural symptoms: expresses or feels that are generally visible to others. Including, lifestyle changes and changes in relationships.

Crying more than usual
Being restless
Stop socializing
Avoiding anything that reminds the survivor of the rape: such as a place the attacker worked
Becoming easily upset by small things
Relationship problems: family and friends
Loss of interest in sex or becoming overactive in sex
Changes in appearance
Increased substance abuse
Denial
Suicide attempts, self- mutilation

Though my sophomore year expierence didn’t do much damage or so I had thought at the time my junior year did.

I was with my best friend, someone I could trust, or so I thought. Him and his friend picked me up from my house and taken me to my friends friends house. We started game of pool and began to drink. As the night became later I had slowly became intoxicated and had to be carried up the stairs. We were in the living room and playing guitar hero. They were trying to get me to go into the hot tub. I had no bikini so they wanted me to go in with my bra and underwear. I refused and asked to go lay down for I wasn’t feeling to good. My friend’s friend who we shall call Adam, carried me into this room and laid me down. Adam asked me if I wanted him to leave me alone and I said yes. I heard him walk towards the door and shut it. I had figured he had left. Sadly he had not left. He climbed into bed and proceeded to undress me. When he began to have sex with me he repeatedly asked me, “why are you not moving?” “why are you crying?” “why are you not saying anything?” This time I did not take it to the police.

The other day I saw Adam, he works at my mom and I’s favorite restaurant. I had a panic attack.

Psychological symptoms: are much less visible and can be completely hidden. Generally referring to the inner thoughts and emotions.

Fear and anxiety
Self-blame and guilt
Feeling no control of your life
Lowering of self esteem
Anger
Feeling alone
Emotional numbness
Constantly thinking about the rape
Having flashbacks to the rape
Nightmares
Depression
Becoming suicidal

Though there are a million other symptoms in all aspects of rape these were the ones I felt the most. Physical, Behavioral, and psychological.

My rape does not define me but it has and it didn’t destroy a huge part of me.

” I am a victim of Rape, and no, I did not provoke it, and no, I did not ask for it.”

" don't you ever dare put me second, when I put you first."
Do you remember in middle school playing dodgeball?
If you were the kid like me then you know how it was to always be picked last, well of course unless you were the leader.
I remember that feeling, knowing how I wasn't good enough, or skinny enough, or alethic enough.
As I started to grow up, I soon began to realize that my life was still in an endless round of dodgeball.
To this day I am still not picked first.
I began to except my fate of being the loser of my own life.
No longer did I feel in control of something I should of had control of, my life.
I excepted my fate as some would say.
It had taken years to get to a spot where I said enough is enough I will no longer be put last.
Last place always sucked, and I no longer would play a game I would end up losing. NO way in hell was I gonna let myself live a life of such misery.
I know when to walk away know.
What I deserve.
What I need in my life.
In my relationship.
" if you want me in your life, put me there. I shouldn't have to fight for a spot."

Alcohol: definition: a colorless volatile flammable liquid that is produced by the natural fermentation of sugars and is the intoxicating constituent of wine, beer, spirits, and other drinks, and is also used as an industrial solvent and as fuel.

ex: We drank so much alcohol we were unable to walk to the other room.

Drugs: definition: a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.

ex: The two girls were on so many drugs that their bodies were unable to withstand being sober.

I guess you could say it was all just a dream...
The ones you wake up from and have no recognition from.
Except in this case, all you know is what the others are telling you.
You wake up scared and confused, Where am I? What am I doing here? How did I get here?
At first none of it makes sense and you are in a strong sense of disbelief.
Here we see the five stages of grief. Stage 1: Denial- that would never happen, I would never do that, I don'tbelieve you.
Stage 1b: Isolation- don't touch me, I don't deserve you, stay away.
Stage 2: Anger- how could this happen, why would you let me do that.
Stage 3: Bargaining- please god I'll do anything please don't let him leave me, please God take this all back let this be a bad dream please.
Stage 4: Depression- I shouldn't be living, I should just die, Life would be better without me, he would be better without me.
and last but not least
Stage 5: Acceptance: Well I can't change what happened but I can work on making everything better from here on out.
Which each stage comes with a new realization of what had all gone down. How I so badly wanted to blame him for letting me drink too much or that he had let me out of his sights or that he hadn't gotten more control of the situation, but no, this was no where near his fault and only the blame could fall on one person, and that one person was me.
And it wouldn't be a lie if I said that as I was typing this it doesn't take every ounce in my body not to relapse tonight.
You hear people talk all the time about something that happened and you laugh because you know they were never even there.
Try being there and not know what happened at all.
I rather talk out of my ass about something that I never took apart of then to be sitting here, right in this very moment, trying to wrap my brain around every missing puzzle piece and trying to clear up the fog that was currently engulfing any remaining pieces from the night I don't remember.