Open the cover of America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction and you'll find a partially faded stamp with blank spaces for the school name, book number, who the book was issued to, the condition it was returned in and all of the other tidbits of information included at the front of most school textbooks.

The only difference is at the very bottom, which reads, "We are fully aware that Dick Hertz, I.P. Freely and Heywood Jablome are not real people, so please exclude them."

This is exactly the kind of fake textbook one would expect from the writers behind The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, America's premier fake news show. America (The Book) includes nine "fact"-filled chapters that offer information about democracy, the American government and ample stereotypes about all those other crappy nations that wish they were America.

Surprisingly enough, readers will actually learn things from this book. The writers took some very basic facts (like how there are nine members of the American Supreme Court and how there's a place called "China" with lots of Chinese people living there) and then spruced them up to avoid having the reader fall asleep mid-sentence. For example, when discussing how a bill becomes a law, we are given this passage: "Once out of committee, a bill then travels to the floor for a process known as floor action, which is 70-75 per cent less hot than it sounds."

The authors manage to expertly capture the textbook format through the use of tables, charts and other extras. The discussion questions and classroom activities at the end of each chapter are hilarious and inane enough to be real. For example, the first discussion question in the history of democracy chapter is the following: "If you lived in a monarchy, would you rather be the king or a slave? Why or why not?" In the chapter about the president, the reader activity reads "Determine a succession plan should you be assassinated."

The chapters that truly make this book brilliant are those entitled "Campaigns & Elections" and "The Media." As per Stewart's recent outburst on CNN Crossfire, these sections include biting satire at its best and authors' outrage at its strongest. The media chapter actually has two beginnings; partway through the first introduction, the narrator becomes so angry and frustrated at the state of the modern media that the piece devolves into a long rant that ends with "I... fuck it. Just fuck it..."

In these chapters, the reader is provided with helpful instructional guides such as "Your Stump Speech: Theme and Variations" that offer sample lead-ins ("I grew up...") followed by how best to finish the sentence depending on your audience (for college students: "...the song of a hard-working brewery janitor and an immigrant bong-maker").

America (The Book) is rare political satire that is still as funny on the last page as it is on the first, with no lag in between. It may look like a textbook, smell like a textbook and be used to beat people over the head until they give you their lunch money like a textbook, but America (The Book) is not a textbook.

Given the state of the American public education system, however, the book's low cost and effectiveness at reaching a young audience may mean it will be a textbook soon.

Author:Gazette Staff

Goodbye Mars, Hello Planet Simpson!

Chris Turner is a big Simpsons fan. That, combined with the fact that no-one had ever written anything like it, was the basic impetus for his book Planet Simpson, an in-depth look at The Simpsons that tries to split a path between hardcore fans' episode guides and overly-academic essays about abstract ideas.

"Academic treatments of The Simpsons seem like people coming down from the ivory tower to talk about the show," Turner comments. "I think part of that's because most folks over a certain age can't imagine anything serious being written about a cartoon."

That's not to say that Turner has not passed through the halls of academe himself; he holds an undergraduate degree in history from Queen's and a journalism degree from Ryerson.

While working for Shift magazine, Turner was asked to write an essay that looked back on 10 years of pop culture. Turner realized that the best way to tackle the last decade of culture was through a Simpsons lens. The 12,000-word essay begged to be expanded, and thus Planet Simpson was born.

Though Turner feels his book strikes a "happy medium" between episode guides and academic treatments of The Simpsons, Planet Simpson leans toward the neural.

Aside from being heavily couched in culture, the book also has a somewhat mysterious cover made up of a pink donut and the top of Homer's balding head. As Turner explains, it wasn't the cover he was initially hoping for.

"We tried to get [Simpsons creator] Matt Groening to do a cover for Planet Simpson, but he's really busy. Anything that's been aired on the show, those animation cells belong to Fox. But [Groening's] still free to draw the characters on his own, like for the cover of Maxim with Marge Simpson.

"[A Groening-drawn cover] may have helped sell more books, but ultimately it may have sold them to the wrong people - people expecting an episode guide or something like that."

But what about the show itself? Though what Turner refers to as the show's "Golden Age" has passed - roughly early 1992 until mid-1997 - he still believes that The Simpsons is a worthwhile effort.

"Some people equate the show to a rock ‘n' roll-type thing, the ‘they should have broken up at their peak' kind of thing," he says. Still, it's better than most programs on television."

But what about life after The Simpsons? What will fill the programming void for the show's fans? According to Turner, The Family Guy isn't the clear-cut choice, even though it's another cartoon satire aired on Fox.

"I think The Daily Show is the spiritual heir apparent to The Simpsons," Turner says. "There's a generation of people [for whom] Jon Stewart is the guy to listen to - not [Peter] Mansbridge or [Tom] Brokaw."

Still, Turner believes that no matter what program or phenomenon is set to inherit The Simpsons' audience, nothing can have the same effect.

"I don't think anything will have the same impact - there can only be one Elvis, after all."

Author:Gazette Staff

Cool or Not Cool? Metal legends Metallica reload

Does Metallica make great albums like Load or are they merely a load of crap? The Gazette staff weighs in.

"Not cool, I hate them."

- Lori Mastronardi

"Über-cool!"

- Jonathan Yazer

"They'll always be cool because even though their albums now suck, they did amazing work in the past."

- Anna Coutts

"They were ballsy enough to stand up for what they believed in with the whole downloading thing. They didn't take any bullshit."

- Leah Crane

"I want to say cool, but that would just be lying to make me seem cool."

- Matt Larkin

"I still listen to ‘No Leaf Clover' and get pumped up."

- David Lee

"I'm undecided, but I just find it funny that they hired a personal therapist to travel around with the band. I can see them sitting in a circle holding hands saying ‘You don't respect me!'"

- Sarvenaz Kermanshahi

"I'm not the biggest fan of their music, but you have to give them credit for being good at what they do."

- Allison Buchan-Terrell

"Old Metallica was so cool, but now Metallica is old and bad. I have to give them credit, though, so they're still cool."

- Ian Van Den Hurk

"Hate 'em."

- Aaron Lynett

"I'll decide after I see their documentary."

- Dallas Curow

"Not cool. Never cool."

- Maggie Wrobel

"You know how you can just tell that some people are douchebags without even having to meet them? That's Metallica to a T. Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield are losers."

- Mark Polishuk

"My brother went to their concert at the JLC and he said it was cool, so I guess they're cool."

- Ian Denomme

COOL: 11

NOT COOL: 7

UNDECIDED: 3

Author:Gazette Staff

Celebrity Dartboard

Actor David Hasselhoff - of Baywatch and Knight Rider fame - won't be dazzling sexy dames with his driving skills anytime soon. Convicted of drinking and driving last week, Hasselhoff has had his license restricted - sorry KITT, it's garage time for you.

Hasselhoff has also been slapped with 200 hours of community service, three years of self-supervised probation, a $490 fine and six months of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Perhaps the producers of The Sponge Bob Squarepants Movie should reconsider their decision to let drunk ol' Dave have a cameo in their upcoming cutesy kid flick. After all, Backstreet Boys' A.J. Maclean already has dibs on the position of alcoholic child role model.

Author:Gazette Staff

On Disc: Gavin DeGraw

Gavin DeGraw

Chariot

J Records

Watch out, Justin and Usher - there's a new sexy sound melting ladies' hearts. While other artists may show their talent with their bodies, clothes and moves, Gavin DeGraw's talent is in his music.

Who would have thought a Neil Young-meets-Marvin Gaye sound would sweep the pop music landscape? But with DeGraw as the latest signee of the legendary Clive Davis, we will probably be hearing more from him.

DeGraw's bluesy rock album gives a laid-back feeling to the artist's gentle, raspy edge. With catchy tunes like "Follow Through," "Chemical Party" and the radio hit "I Don't Wanna Be," you'll be singing and strumming along in no time.

- Rachel Lockwood

Author:Gazette Staff

On Disc: Insane Clown Posse

Insane Clown Posse

Hell's Pit

Psychopathic Records

Hell's Pit follows the same theme as the previous five ICP albums: insanity with overtones of graphic murder and posthumous lust.

One should try to take this album with a grain of salt. It doesn't really advocate murder any more than your average horror film, but at the same time it seems awfully suggestive. This is apt, as the music is basically just a horror film that you listen to rather than watch.

Supposedly this is the last album that ICP will be composing. If you don't like them you're probably relieved. If you do like them, you probably already have this disc on your shelf anyway. Good luck with that.

- Mike Dewar

Author:Gazette Staff

On Disc: Submission Hold

Submission Hold

What Holds Back the Elephant

G7 Welcoming Committee Records

Submission Hold's newest album is expressed through vocalist Jen Throwup, whose range of vocal styles is refreshing and communicates the group's opinions on personal and global politics.

For example, "Ace and king and queen of spades/ I blame you for these midnight raids," from the track titled "Lost and Found," is less punk, and sounds more like a politician's lullaby nightmare.

This album is incomparable to anything else with its unique sound and propagandist lyrics.