Come on in and take a seat wherever you’d
like. Just got arrested for your second hit and run? Have one of our
virgin margaritas! Saw your wife hugging a former lover on TV? I recommend
the sweet-yet-sour chicken salad sandwich, made with apricot jam but
undercut with a white vinegar dressing. You want to forgive it, but it
keeps on leaving that sour taste in your mouth.

The Powers That Be have moved on to the
males in their continued sexual assault storylines. In the past two years,
I’ve watched Nikolas and Robin be forced to make out, Emily, Sam, and Carly
manhandled by Jerry Jax, Sam continually leered at by Manny Ruiz, Logan
forcibly kiss Lulu and I’m sure there’s a few golden moments I’ve missed.
Now, Jax has been raped twice by Irina, under threat of life and limb. Is
this supposed to be entertaining? Or did a reminder pop up on Guza’s
Outlook calendar—“Don’t forget to plan a rape storyline and repeat every 3
years.” As long as Jax actually gets a storyline out of this, I’m willing
to forgo mourning the loss of Love in the Afternoon. However, if it becomes
all about Carly feeling betrayed, I’m going to find that seniors’ closet and
see if I can hide in there with Bobbie and Audrey for awhile.

I believe last week’s episodes took place
over the course of two or three days. Now, call me crazy, but I fail to
understand why Patrick was so pissed off that Robin wasn’t putting out in
that time frame. I know a number of men who would be thanking the stars
above if they got laid once a week. Patrick was throwing a hissy fit over
two sexless days! Dear God, how does he ever make it through when Robin’s
Aunt Flo is visiting? It is a good thing these two aren’t procreating yet.
Patrick’s look of terror when Robin told him she might be pregnant could
have frozen Medusa in her tracks.

Meghan Ward is doing a fabulous job
playing a woman whose world is falling down around her. Kate Howard’s
perfect façade has been cracking ever since she stepped into Sonny’s office
to use his phone. The Dimpled Don has been trying to lure out Connie from
the Block ever since, but I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I doubt that
cool, calm Kate would hit a car then panic and run but she’s become so
unsure of herself that she can’t think straight anymore. Maybe reconciling
her two personas is a necessary step in character development but I can’t
help but wonder if she’d been better off stopping at the nearest Starbucks
instead.

The best line of the week for me was Sam
saying that Jason played her like a fool in the midst of doing the exact
same thing to Lucky. That was classic subterfuge, but it’s still so
disappointing that Lucky doesn’t have a clue about her motives or that Jake
isn’t his child. Maybe someone could slip him an ultrasound picture so he
could see the halo of bullets around Jake’s head for himself.

I’m sincerely disappointed that Amelia’s
sworn allegiance to Jason. Yes, he did pull her out of harm’s way a couple
of times but he’s also the reason she was in danger in the first place. So
she chooses gratitude over outrage that she was under fire at all--I don’t
get it. But then, this is a show where up is down, black is white, and
Edward Quartermaine calls Carly courageous.

Speaking of Carly, she would save herself
a lot of trouble if she’d just knock on people’s doors rather than barge
in. What was she thinking walking into Jerry’s hotel room without even
calling out that she was there? She knows he’s a spy. She knows he has
several screws loose, if not all of them. Did she really think he wouldn’t
pull a gun on her? He’s shot at her in similar circumstances a number of
times. Maybe we’ll all get lucky the next time and he won’t miss!

I’m planning to hold a wine and cheese
tasting next week—will it be champagne to celebrate Elizabeth shaping up and
moving out? Or perhaps a sweet ice wine to soothe the bitterness of Lucky’s
jealousy. Please let me know any pairings you’d recommend!