Mass middle class panic as house prices start vibrating

The Bank of England have been urged today to use whatever fiscal powers they have at their disposal as throughout Britain house prices began vibrating for the first time in recent history.

One owner of a larger than average house told us “It’s absolutely terrible. If my house is increasing in value then naturally I want to be in a restaurant loudly shouting about it over a bottle of chablis. If I’m losing money on my property I prefer to hide in a wardrobe. I’m stuck in a state of limbo at the moment somewhere between my house and the Fat Duck in Bray, switching my car between first gear and reverse. There’s loads of other cars beeping at me like they’re the ones who’ve got a problem.”

A spokesman for Cuntleys Bank explained that the present situation has led to some unusual decisions in mortgage applications. “Unless you press the button at exactly the right time you may have an answer like Nyes or Yno which is quite unsatisfactory when entering into a 25 year contract. We’ll be training our advisers to say yesnoyesno very quickly and the applicant will simply have to sound a car horn to signal the exact timing of their application. It’s the only sensible way we can do it in this climate”

Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney has assured that whilst the situation is unfortunate, it is only a temporary blip. “We had a similar situation when I was Governor of the Bank of Canada and we stopped house prices from vibrating by asking fat people to sit on them. Some enjoyed it more than others.”

The mixture of recession and growth that is already being called a grecession has led to George Osborne being under fire and vindicated at the same time. “It’s a bit confusing. We may just have to find something else to talk about” he admitted.