Friday, February 20, 2015

The Justice League movie is
going to suck.

You can say you heard it here
first. Not that I’m the first, technically. There were people saying that
before there was even a movie in production. But I’m saying it officially. It saddens
me to say it. I wish it were otherwise. But it’s gonna suck. That’s just the
reality.

It will suck because the
building blocks that will compose it are going to suck. It cannot be greater than the sum of its
parts. Batman vs. Superman (or is it Superman vs. Batman? I can’t remember, and
I really don’t care) is gonna suck. And without the bedrock of this film to
support it, the big Justice League film will collapse under its own weight.

So why, exactly, will the JL movie
fail? Here are a few reasons, in no particular order.

>WB is rushing it.

The
reason the Avengers worked was because Marvel took their time putting all the
pieces in place. And they made sure that each standalone movie—Iron Man, Thor,
Captain America—was worthy in and of itself. Time-Warner is in a hurry to get
to the big payoff when they haven’t developed their independent properties yet.

>Too many characters.

Tied
in to the whole “rushing it” thing is the desire to cram all the major
characters into Supes vs. Bats. Remember what happened when they put 4 villains
into Spider-man 3? Oversaturation, peeps, will sink any movie.

>Politics over tradition.

Yes,
Jason Momoa looks pretty cool as Aquaman, I have to say. But Aquaman isn’t Polynesian. He just
isn’t. There are several decades of established character history here that the
studio is ignoring in an attempt to be politically correct and have a more
racially diverse Justice League. And yes, in times past most superheroes were
white thirtysomething males. There was a lack of diversity. But y’know what?
That’s history. You can’t just discard it without throwing the baby out with
the bathwater. In this case, the “baby” is everything that makes the character
who he is. And what’s with Cyborg being in the Justice League now, anyway? He
was a member of the Teen Titans like, forever. But you gotta have a black
superfriend, don’tcha, Hollywood? Tokenism does a disservice to minorities. It also makes
for bad movies.

>This is the big one,
peeps. Batman.

Simply put, none of it will hold up without Batman. By
miscasting the character, they guaranteed that nothing they did afterward would
work. Ben Affleck is a likeable guy, and he’s a good actor. He was great in
Hollywoodland. But he does NOT possess the gravitas to pull off the Dark Knight.
WB should have thrown as much money at them as it took to get Christopher Nolan and
Christian Bale to be a part of this series. Hell, since they’re going for an
older, grizzled Batman (which will lead to the necessity of the inevitable reboot,
but that’s another problem), they should have brought back Michael Keaton! Affleck just ain’t got the chops. And without
Batman, there is no Justice League. The whole thing falls apart without him.

Thus the franchise as a whole
is doomed. Don’t expect anything else. While I concede that I could be wrong,
it isn’t likely. Where the geek movies are concerned, at least, I am almost never wrong, not even when I want to be. Hollywood studios could save a fortune if they just checked
with me to see if a particular property would fly or not before giving it the
greenlight. For example, as soon as I heard that they’d cast
Jamie Foxx in Amazing Spider-Man 2, I said, “Well, there goes that franchise.”
And I was right. R.I.P.D.? I said it would bomb spectacularly, and it did. Same with
Jonah Hex. Same with Whiteout, Total Recall, Jupiter Ascending, Night at the
Museum 3. The list goes on and on. Based solely on my own interest, or lack
thereof, in a geek movie, I can predict with 90% accuracy whether or not it
will be a success. That’s how I can say with confidence that the whole WB
Justice League franchise is dead before it even gets off the ground. Splat. I
hope I’m proven wrong. I really do. But I don’t think I will be.

Oh, and as a P.S to all this,
to underscore just how clueless the studios are when it comes to putting
together a successful DC superhero movie, I offer as exhibit whatevah The
Flash. They cast Ezra Miller. Seriously? Ezra Miller? Not only does this little
twit lack gravitas to pull off the role, he’s in the negative numbers where
gravitas is concerned! And by not going with the guy from the TV show (he ain’t
no heavy hitter in the gravitas department, either, but he looks like a
heavyweight compared to Ezra "the Twit" Miller), they’re alienating a sizeable chunk of
their target audience right out the gate. SMH.

Lastly, lest any of you think
I’m just down on DC, I also predict the upcoming Deadpool and Gambit
movies will suck ass.