Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Dear Buddy

Dear Buddy,

It has been nearly a year since that bastard took you away from everyone who loves you, so I decided to write you this letter.(Lets just hope they get high speed Internet in Heaven) Well, since you have been gone nothing much has changed, I'm still single, Hip Hop still sucks, Bush is even more of a nightmare this term, and ole' girl is getting married.(ex girlfriend) Speaking of her, remember all those hours I would talk to you about her when cupid decided to take a shit in my cereal? I remember that "have you lost your motherfucking mind" look that you gave me when I was talking about her and a tear strolled down my face, that was some classic shit man.(Embarassing, but classic) You were always there brother, listening to my constant whining and you never shamed me about it when the smoke cleared. I definitely love you for that.

Remember the time when you told me that you were going to be the "designated driver" when we went out to that club a couple of years ago? I had no idea that you were drinking that night, until I heard a cop knock on the car window as you and I were both asleep, stopped at a traffic light. I still remember you screaming "Shut the fuck up!" when the cop was being an asshole and I kept calling him and his partner "Serpico", "Kojak", "Cagney and Lacy", and "Murtaugh and Riggs".

Oh shit, I almost forgot this one. How about that time when we were in that North Carolina club and those guys were talking shit to you? Remember as we approached them, the crowd knew we meant business and they parted like the red sea and shit to get out of our way?? Yeah man, those were some good times.

OK, you got me, I can't lie to you, I am really writing this letter to apologize because over the past year I have been a horrible friend. When you passed I promised myself that I would visit your parents to see how they were doing, make sure everything was OK. To be honest, I have driven past their house about 20 times meaning to go inside, but couldn't find the courage to go to the door and see the hurt in their eyes from losing their only son. I have to apologize for disrespecting your father's wishes of "not looking to retaliate" against your killer. This is hard to say, but right after his sincere warning what do I do? I went to where I knew that your killer hung out at, and damn near hunted that motherfucker for about a week, with the intent of giving him a first class ticket to hell. Dear friend, your father seems like a very nice man and I'm sorry I disrespected him like that.

When some friends learned that I was hunting your killer, they had kind of an "intervention" with me and a pastor, I guess to straighten me out. I still remember the pastor saying "Vengeance is mine said the lord", and he also said, "God will make that young man pay for his sins". Regrettably, I told they pastor, "Yeah, but his ass is taking too motherfucking long!!" I know, that's bad, I apologize Buddy.

Even recently, when I learned that a bartender at a bar that I go to grew up with your killer I informed him that he killed my friend. When he got amazingly silent, I went to my car and got the billy club that I keep in my car and started to go back inside the bar and beat some key information out of him. But I don't need to tell you about that story, because I felt your presence holding me back, because for some reason I couldn't go back in the club. That was you, thanks, because "the ladies" have said that they "like my ass" so I'm not trying to showcase said ass in prison. So again, I must apologize my dear friend, because of the disappointment I have been as a friend since your passing.

But while I'm apologizing I must call you out though, because we are friends I am sure that you will understand. OK, because you have "gotten your wings" I am most certain that you wouldn't want me to hurt anyone or get hurt avenging your death. I have to call you out because the old Buddy would have been the first one, blasting like the last scene in "Scarface" if someone had done that to me. Hey I just call them like I see them, but I digress.

In closing, you were the best friend a guy could have and I miss you dearly. We will hang out again, and this time next year I hope to send you a letter with better overall behavior to report to you. So, tell everyone I said what's up, and when my father is bitching to you about me writing about him just ask him "If it is true or not". That will silence him, albeit momentarily. Peace. I love you man.

31 comments:

soxlove
said...

Dear HC,

I am relieved to hear of the adjustment you are making with Buddy's untimely death. I understand natural urges that lead to desires to retaliate, but stronger influences prevent you from doing otherwise. I commend you for this as difficult as this process can be. Know that I am sending positive thoughts your way.

With that said, you have a tremendously-unique way of drawing out the sensitivity in others that sometimes is beyond comprehension. I admire your gift. Take care of yourself, soxlove

dear HCsee, i don't wanna judge your therapist or something like that, i am really not in the position to say anything actually but i still wanted to share the thought that corssed my mind while reading this very moving post:life seems to be the best therapist after all, doesn't it?i mean....not going into that club because your buddy 'kept' you back?....violence, thats probably the very sad and tough lesson. isn't the answer. as simple as always and as difficult to accept when you feel the pain, anger and thirst for vengeance. it s always so easy to say and in reality so difficult to live. and i am sure buddy is damn proud of you. i think so at least. or feel it.i love you for sharing so honestly and moving and touching your letter to him with us.thank you. it reminds me of my friends who are gone.virtual hugspiranha

Death is hard especially when it is the result of ignorance.... I am proud of the way you are dealing with it by writing about it in this blog. I have to agree with the pastor "vengeance is mine said the lord" and let me also add "karma is a b***h" Although finding the guy that killed buddy and having your way with him seems like a good idea, I don't believe that it would help you with grief and might make you feel worse. The joy you might feel as a result of inflicting pain on the man that caused you and Buddy's family pain will be short-lived and you will still have to live with the fact that nothing you do can bring Buddy back. Continue to focus on Buddy and have faith that god will take care of everything.... one day at a time.

man, i do not know the best thing to say in times like this. but being in a position where my words are seen, when no presence can not be felt, i got to try. all i can say is that i am sorry. we all like to believe that there is a better place and i do feel that. i believe now that your friend will be protecting you given better now. remember your friend always how he was. remember all the good times, for it will always be a part of you.

I didn't know her nearly as well as you knew Buddy, and I can't imagine how much worse off I would be right now if I had. As unstable as I am, I probably wouldn't be here. As it is, I miss her terribly, and I know you miss Buddy, too.

You're a strong person for being able to come around from having such strong, angry feelings, no matter how long it may take.

HC, It is commendable that you showed restraint out of respect for your friend who is gone and more importantly for his father who is still here. I think that if you were to send him this in a letter it would touch him and let him know that he is not alone in honoring the memory of his son. It seems to me that he still has one in you.Much love!

HC: Thanks for the backup girl, Danny boy is just mad because I never paid his mother for the sloppy blowjob that she gave me. His anger comes from the fact that they needed that money to pay their rent.

Olivia: To Dannyboy...so I guess this means since you are a disrespectful asshole that when HC throat chops your ignorant ass, it will also be well deserved. The moral of this story is to refrain from talking about shit you know nothing about!

btw...loved the post HC...I never fail to be shocked by the magnitude of the hating on here