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How To: Learn Anyone's Name*

Step 2: Find a long and thin piece of wood or similar substance that can be easily broken with minimum force.

Step 3: Scream at the top of your lungs and break the piece of wood or similar substance over the head of the identified person.

Step 4: Listen as people begin to ask the person who was just hit if they are alright for that person's name.

Step 5: Remember the name as soon as it it mentioned.

Step 6: To ensure you do not forget the name in the future, be sure to keep the court documents you will receive when that person inevitably gets a restraining order against you. Their name will be on the header of the document.

*The author of this piece does not hold responsibility for any legal litigation that may arise from using this method of name learning.