Twitter to verify actual cocks with cock symbol

The social media giant has announced a new symbol in the shape of a gentleman’s junk to flag the accounts of staggering bell-whistles. Hannah Dunleavy reports. #AprilFools2016 (Sadly, Twitter still doesn’t give a shit about calling out the dicksplashes.)

Posted on 01/04/2016

This handy cock and balls “tick” will mark the accounts of absolute knob-ends.

A decade of unwanted cock shots and rape threat LOLs might be at an end, with Twitter’s announcement that it will soon mark the accounts of men who persistently abuse and harass women.

In the same way that the accounts of public figures are marked with a tick to verify their authenticity, men who incessantly hound women on the social networking site will be marked with a cock.

A source inside the social media giant said: “We’re always working on new things to improve the experience for our users. For example, women who do enjoy being told to ‘die in a fire, cunt’ or having their address publicised have been able to ‘love’ rather than ‘favourite’ that tweet for some time.

“However, we realise that not all women enjoy seeing a photo of a stranger’s junk when they were just having a little check that nothing big had happened in the news while on the bus to work.

“This ‘verified cock’ enables people to see, in advance, whether or not an individual is a festering wipe. Users can then pre-emptively block them before they get the chance to send them a photograph of their ballsack or threaten to rape their cat.

“And, if someone does receive unwanted threats of violence, we can now save them the time of complaining to us. It’s our way of saying, ‘Yeah, we know, this guy’s a prick – what you gonna do?’”

Early reaction to the news has been wide-ranging, with some men’s rights groups suggesting women need to have more of a sense of humour.

Mike Rotch of Smash the Matriarchysaid: “I’ve got grave concerns about what could get you branded a cock. I think it’s a very sad day if you can’t send a woman you’ve never met a rape threat as a joke.”