Posts Tagged ‘Honesty’

I kissed a girl and I liked. Katy had her fingers. or lips, on the pulse…

Hangout with my female friend. Heavy petting went a little bit further this time. I did think to myself, “Am I breaking my promises here?”…I did feel a slight tinge of guilt, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought.

I pondered this situation during and after.

So, where to now? Technically we haven’t even been on a “date”. Seems strange. And yet I don’t feel at all emotionally attached to her. It was lovely just kissing somebody intimately after 21 months of solitude. But to be honest, I’d have to say my feelings/emotions felt rather neutral…not sure why??

I liked it. I enjoyed it. It was fun. And I’m actually not too concerned about keeping my abstinence in check till Nov too (as in I won’t break my vow until November). She is absolutely lovely. But having no expectations, I think, helps keep things rather…stationary. Which I feel is positive.

It’s a nice feeling to have as we all know. Just making sure that nobody is gonna get their feeling squashed. Her or mine. My faith has led me this far and I know it’s going to keep me going till the end of my journey too.

I have had many things running around in my head in recent times. Was homesick for a couple of weeks. Missed my daughters, family and friends. Had thoughts of M (the mother of my children) and thoughts of A. In my life (besides my mum and my daughters) I can honestly say that I probably haven’t loved two women more than I have with M and A.

This has been on my mind for a while now (obviously) but I think that’s what having someone else in your life can do…distracts you from thoughts of your past relationships. Loneliness adds to this issue too. I ponder on different females that I have met on my journey so far…some single, some not so single…some nice, some not so nice. Life always brings you a bunch of licorice all-sorts.

One “fear” that I have is that after november this year I will just jump into a relationship because I’ve been single for 2 years…That someone ‘special’ will turn up conveniently and I’ll take it as some sign…very weary of not doing that. I’ve done my best to stay away from situations that my lead to temptation..tired…it’s difficult.

I’ve become comfortable with my situation…sometimes too comfortable…constantly needing to look at my ta moko‘s (tattoos) to remind me of what’s happening in my life and what journey I’m on. For those wondering, I haven’t heard from A since last February, and that was just a reply to a very short email that I sent. She has a new life now. As do I. I know that my next partner will benefit immensely from the journey that my life has taken over the past year.

I’m struggling to keep this blog going. Just don’t want to make it sound like I’m just repeating myself. BUT, I know how important this has been with my healing process. It’s amazing how time and positive people and thoughts help heal your heart. Got a way to go yet…

I have been developing criteria for this person for a while. Obviously. There have been a few changes over time, especially in the past few months. These kind of situations help you reflect on what kind of person is going to make you happy and whom you are going to make happy too. Well it makes sense to me.

A was a wonderful partner. Of course she had some traits that would ‘annoy’ me, but nothing that most partners haven’t experienced. She was pretty, kind, generous, loving and caring. There honestly wasn’t much I didn’t love about her. And I can say that with all honesty, I know I’m not just looking through rose colored glasses either. This far on from our breakup (it’s still tough) but I can reflect and be very honest. I think that’s part of the reason why I do miss her. I know what some of you may be thinking too, “She left you for another guy!” Haven’t forgotten that, it’s actually the hardest thing to forget!

So I’ve been ‘thinking’ what would my NEW criteria be for Mrs Right?

Let’s look at the obvious ones for me. Pretty, Curvaceous….ummmmm, that’s about it really. Physical attraction is an important part to me. I don’t care what anyone says. YES personality is VERY important too, but you can’t actually see someones personality from across the dance floor? Well, not normally anyway.

Personality is different. I like; Intelligent, kind, generous, caring, humorous people. These are actually traits that aren’t too difficult to find. We all know that beauty is skin deep. The most beautiful people in the world can turn to mud if they have a crap personality!

I don’t think I could really give much more criteria…although I have toyed with the idea of attempting to meet a beautiful pediatrician. I figure that they are smart and caring and love children!! Still working on this hypothesis. All I know is that whom ever Mrs RIght is, or where she is she is most likely going to have to find me. I’m playing the “Don’t go looking for her” game. It’s worked really well for me before. Fingers crossed it works again…but not too soon though.

Yes. I forgot to write a 2nd blog for the week. Which of course I had promised to do in one of my previous blogs AND which was part of my original criteria. Hence the title “Keeping your word”.

I have been able to do this really well over the past few months BUT keeping my word about blogging has been really difficult. I’m going to blame it on the fact that we have had two long weekends so I think it’s Sunday when really it’s Monday! Anyway. Now I have really made things harder for me as now I have to commit to blogging THREE times a week.

It’s not so much the forgetting either. Some of it has to do with the fact I don’t really have much to write about. When things are progressing and going well…or better than before, I never feel the need to blog. And I never intended for this blog to turn into a chore or something that I didn’t find therapeutic. As soon as things turn into a chore I’ll start switching off. I really hope this forgetting doesn’t continue, cause I don’t think I’ll be able to blog FOUR times a week!!! Ever!

So, Keeping your word. Or more keeping MY word. In most cases I have been able to keep this going. This lines up to my post about integrity. Being honest and truthful all the time. That’s only a small part of it. Read the post if you have forgotten. I have been challenged many times, not just by people around me but also by me personally. I am constantly reminding myself not to basically say something that I never intend to follow through on. If I can’t keep my word then I have to tell the truth and/or shut my mouth. This has actually helped me listen more to others. It’s easy when the people you spend most of your time with are part of your tribe too.

For most parts of mine and A’s relationship I kept my word. Whatever I said to her I meant it. I still think about the words I said to her when I found out what she had done. I meant every word. I keep thinking about whether I regret saying what I said. I find it difficult to say ‘yes’. I think about how I may have changed how I said it too. Again I honestly don’t think I would’ve changed that either. I meant every word. I wanted her to feel and understand how much pain I was feeling. I wanted her to feel that pain. Little did I know (or believe) that she had been feeling more pain than that for a long time.

My word is sometimes all I have. It’s something that we all have. People will judge us by it too. People will get use to you ‘changing’ or ‘backing out’ of things you have said. I have met many people like this. Trust and honesty are hard to come by. People are naturally selfish and always have their own bias. I will always tell people the truth so that they will respect my word. So that they will honor my opinion. So that they will come to me and talk…and listen.

Integrity is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one’s actions. Integrity can be regarded as the opposite of hypocrisy,in that it regards internal consistency as a virtue, and suggests that parties holding apparently conflicting values should account for the discrepancy or alter their beliefs.

The word “integrity” stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete).In this context, integrity is the inner sense of “wholeness” deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others “have integrity” to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.

Oh Wikipedia you are a wonderful site.

This word has been thrown around between friends and I recently. We discussed people in our lives who are full of integrity. What I had failed to do was actually confirm my OWN definition of the word. The definition above is perfect. The highlighted/underlined words ring true; Consistency, honesty, truthfulness, accuracy, hypocrisy, character. As mentioned in previous blogs, in my past I have drifted from being a person of integrity to a hypocrite. Saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. Inconsistent. I remember vividly all the times when I was consistent at keeping my integrity my life was good, very, very good. Everything went well and I was really happy. Then along came complacency. I found that when people become complacent they forget to take care of things. Some people would say they become too comfortable. For me though that word has connotations of positivity, warmth and love. Hence complacent.

Being complacent you seem to feel that everything is OK. Not great. Not awesome. Not perfect. Just OK. When you are comfortable I believe you are happy, content, you feel safe with your partner and who you are as a person. You have this innate feeling that nothing could be better than where you are right now. Well that’s what I believe. The danger of course with complacency is the lack of trying. You don’t bother trying to make things better or even to maintain your relationship, because in all honesty, you have given up. You don’t really care what happens. This is what I feel happened with A and I. I remember telling AB every time he asked how things were and I would say…OK. It had been OK for a very long time. I’m sure A felt the same way too.

So how does one become consistent at their actions, values, principles, expectations and outcomes? How can you make things such as values and principles tangible enough to be measured? If I say that I am an honest person then surely I must be truthful about everything in my life? As we all know, there are times in your life where telling the honest truth can get you a slap or punch in the face! Everyone has their own ‘moral compass’. Created usually from your up-bringing, parents, family and friends. Some people, and I’ve met plenty, don’t even have a compass. And could actually care less about values and principles. Growing up I had always used the Bibles values and principles to help guide me between right and wrong. I also had a ‘Disney’ up-bringing too. Evil wizards and witches, knights in shining armor and all that. I would like to think that I had/have a very solid moral compass. That, obviously, sometimes didn’t work very well!

You have to make a solid commitment to become a person of integrity. You can’t just drift in and out when you feel like it. You must be consistent in your actions. My public persona would sometimes, and I reiterate, sometimes belie my private persona. There is the inconsistency. What I have been trying to do in recent times is to join these two together and dump the negative actions. My ta moko (Maaori Tattoo) has helped immensely in this transitional phase of my life. I do believe that in doing so I will become a ‘whole’ new person. Not too far away from the person I already am either. Just a person with stronger integrity whom I would like to think will be a positive influence on my daughters, whanau and friends. Again long journey but made easier with everyone’s support.

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