Jane Stillwater is a freelance journalist, war correspondent, blogger, political Cassandra and author of "Bring Your Own Flak Jacket: Helpful Tips for Touring Today's Middle East," now available on Amazon.com. Her latest motto is "Stop Wall Street and War Street from destroying our world."

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Threats & Bribes: Why U.S. troops will never leave Afghanistan

I read somewhere that if you want your children to do what you tell them to do, there are only two things that actually work: Threats and bribes. Well, the same thing should be true with regard to international relations -- but it's not.

After decades and decades of administering extremely serious threats and fantastically huge bribes (involving both Cold Wars and hot), American corporatists still aren't even close to being obeyed -- or even respected -- by most other countries on this planet. American corporatists nowadays are just simply being hated.

Instead of having other countries instantly obey Washington and Wall Street like they were a bunch of obedient and/or traumatized children, all these so-called "kids" obviously have become passive-aggressive haters instead -- and sometimes not all that passive as well.

Take Pakistan for instance. In 1947, shortly after it had become a nation, Pakistan willingly and happily signed on to become one of America's most important allies in the Great Game. And now, as of May 2011, diplomatic ties between Pakistan and the U.S. have completely disintegrated -- but only after a very long time (60 years-plus) spent with Pakistan being the recipient of a whole laundry list of heavy-duty threats and almost-obscene bribes from American corporatists.

I just got back from a friend's birthday party -- where I received the entire 411 on Pakistan from a Middle East expert standing over by the hors d'oeuvre table. "When American troops entered Pakistan in [alleged] pursuit of bin Ladin, then Pakistanis considered that as an invasion." Okay. Invasion seems like a rather large threat.

"So now Pakistan has finally stopped being our close ally and, thanks to Washington's bad timing, has become a rogue state with a nuclear bomb -- a loose cannon -- instead."

In the matter of US-Pakistan relations, threats and bribes clearly haven't worked. Oops. Sorry about that.And then there's Iran. Currently, our corporatist-controlled mainstream media is busy spreading erroneous rumors that Iran has a nuclear weapons program -- and should be stopped at any cost. Even Elizabeth Warren, who surely should know better, is swallowing up this falsehood hook, line and sinker. What nuclear weapons program? Iranians don't have one. But even if they did, who could blame them for wanting one after having spent the past 45 years at the business-end of corporatist America's threats and bribes.

But we all know that the corporatists' latest flurry of war-drum-beating is, once again, not about nuclear weapons or other WMDs-- it's all about oil. But even so, threats and bribes clearly haven't worked with regard to stealing Iran's oil either.

Losers.

And then there's good old Macedonia. "Huh?" you might shrug. "What's Macedonia got to do with all this?" Well, American corporatists, at considerable expense to us ever-gullible American taxpayers, has just built a HUGE new military complex in Macedonia -- because it is within bombing range of the Middle East. So. Did you know that American corporatists now have an exciting new vacation home in good old Macedonia? I thought not.

Now let's take a look at the total mess and disaster that corporatists have created by bribing Israelis and threatening Palestinians. Ugh. What ever happened to "Repair the World"?Plus don't forget Afghanistan. According to that expert I met at the birthday party over guacamole and cheese sticks, American corporatists' interests (as compared to the interests of just poor slobs like you and me, mere voters and taxpayers) will NEVER let U.S. troops leave Afghanistan. "Why is that?" I asked, while reaching for the Gouda and rye.

"Because of its strategic location, right next door to both Pakistan and Iran -- and, of course, to Russia and China." Four countries who have the chutzpah to withstand American corporatist takeovers.

So American corporatists now have huge bases in Afghanistan and Macedonia (and don't forget Israel, Iraq and Kuwait) -- whose main purpose seems to be to surround Iran, Pakistan, Russia and China with huge threats.

And there's one more country that I forgot to mention where corporatist threats and bribes may not be working either -- America itself. Even despite all the recent tear gas in Oakland and New York City and all the happy promises offered by Fox News, Americans are also starting to wise up and act like rebellious children -- Hansel and Gretel to be specific.

Carrots and sticks. Threats and bribes.

However, American corporatists are NOT dealing with little kids here -- but rather with adult human beings and sovereign nations. And so their authoritarian theory of threats and bribes -- a theory that appears to work well on easily-cowed kindergarteners -- is not doing so good when forced down the throats of grown-up countries like Iran, Pakistan, Russia, China, and even the U.S.

As evidenced by the failure of Washington's and Wall Street's multi-trillion-dollar post-WWII foreign policies that have forced the rest of the world's 99 percent into today's sorry state of disequilibrium between uber-rich and downtrodden, threats and bribes just don't work all that well in the sphere of international relations. Cooperation between nations and peoples works better.

PS: The birthday party turned out to be a great success. A birthday was celebrated, deep ideas were discussed -- and there was plenty of food. And speaking of food, I also talked to an expert on America's failing food production system. Apparently our lack of food supply sustainability is gonna screw up America's future bigtime, happily giving us cancer, among other things. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL1pKlnhvg0 [Monsanto & Cancer Milk: Fox News Kills Story and Fires Reporters]

And I also talked to someone who stated that the future of America ultimately depends on the success or failure of its small businesses -- not on placating huge greedy corporations who will do anything for money. "Did you know that WalMart opens approximately 30 big-box stores per month? And that each one of these monsters causes at least ten small local business to fail because they can't compete with WalMart's artificially-lowered prices, sweat-shop imports and tax breaks received for outsourcing?"

He also lamented the fact that, over in Afghanistan, authorities openly ask for baksheesh because baksheesh is an accepted custom, understood for what it is: A bribe. "But over here in America, these same bribes are disguised and made legal by being called various fog-enshrouding names such as building permit fees, business licenses, liquor licenses, tax codes requirements, parking charges, payments to for-profit health insurance companies, etc. that nickel-and-dime American small businesses to death. But baksheesh is baksheesh, no matter what you call it."

Advertizements for myself: In these hard times of brutal (and illegal) corporatist ball-busting socialism-for-the-rich-only, I am doing whatever I can to make a spare dollar. Here are some of my current alternate-economy schemes that never seem to work -- but I keep hoping!

****Need an actor to play an older woman in your movie? Then I'm your man! I can portray all kinds of older women -- from judges, business execs and other insane zombies to bag ladies, cancer patients, kindly grandmothers and dying patients in rest homes. I've played them all. So send me a script and let's do this. Hollywood, here we come!

****Are you a plaintiffs' attorney who is tired of writing those pesky personal injury settlement briefs all the time? No problem! I can write them for you. Years of experience. And pay me only if you win the case.****Fortune Telling: If you scan a photocopy of the lifeline on the palm of your dominant hand, e-mail it to me at jpstillwater(at)yahoo.com with "Madame Jane" in the subject line, and then slip five dollars into my PayPal account, I can (and will) get Madame Jane to tell you approximately how long you are gonna live -- and also have her throw in some stuff about quality-of-life as well.

****

I recently got my Notary Public commission!

Need a Notary Public? Have seal, will travel. E-mail me at jpstillwater@yahoo.com and I'll stamp your document, make it official and only charge $10. Of course if you live outside of Berkeley, I may have to charge travel expenses -- but am well worth it!

"Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds."You can also buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, tote bags, truckers' caps, baby gear and/or teddy bears with this logo printed on them. They make great gifts, especially for those of us who are still idealists in these troubled times. To purchase, just click here:http://www.cafepress.com/StillTWaters

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Elizabeth George: Murder mysteries are more than just crime novels

Before this month, I had never even heard of Elizabeth George. But then I read where she will be the featured guest of honor at next year's BoucherCon mystery writers' and fans' convention in Cleveland http://bouchercon2012.com/guests.php -- so I sorta felt obligated to read some of her stuff. And boy am I glad that I did. George is not only a master of the crime novel genre, but she's also clearly the master of almost any fiction genre you can name.

So when Books, Inc. in Alameda announced that George was giving a talk the other day, I just had to go. And after George had talked for about two minutes, it became instantly clear that she was saying important stuff and so I started taking notes as she expounded on what it means to be a writer -- and how to do it too. Here are my notes:

"When writing, the most important thing involved is not what the author thinks -- but what the characters are thinking. Some novels are plot-driven but most are character-driven, and so paying attention to your characters is paramount.

"I prefer to write crime novels because the crime itself serves as a vehicle to get through a book's need for a plot. I trick people into thinking that it's a crime novel -- but actually I'm writing social commentary and so can explore issues broader than just the crime." Aha.

"The reason that I write about the British is because of the challenge involved. When you use that old formula 'Write what you know,' you run the risk of writing the same book over and over, and I never want to write the same book twice." Plus we all know that learning new things is good for one's brain cells -- and mine could use all the help they can get.

"And writing about a place where you don't live is also easier because it's easier to see the nuances of a place that you're not familiar with. And since the setting should always be considered a main character too, you can also be more objective. Plus I'm lucky that my editor encourages me to make every book different instead of demanding the same cookie-cutter approach to all my characters and locations."

One of George's most well-known books is, "What Came Before He Shot Her," which tells us how Inspector Thomas Lynley's pregnant wife Helen came to be gunned down on her own front doorstep. "My challenge was to make Joel Campbell, the boy charged with the crime, to be as sympathetic as Helen Lynley."

Several of George's books have been used as the basis for a Masterpiece Theater series on the BBC. How does she feel about that? "I am a novelist. That is my art form. So I don't get caught up in the motion picture aspects. I'm not involved, so it's no big deal what the BBC does or doesn't do with my characters -- although I was disappointed that they turned my novels into straight mystery stores and left out so much of the social-commentary nuances." She also mentioned that she's not interested in doing another BBC series again.

And why did George choose to write books? "I wrote my first novels simply to entertain myself, but I had known that I was a writer since I was age seven. When I began to write this series, I didn't know much about my characters but, as I wrote, the information slowly appeared. For instance I originally didn't know that Inspector Lynley even had a brother -- let alone that he was an addict. Or that there was a gulf between him and his mother. And I found all that out only as I was writing the books. It's all about creating a character in fiction."

How did George master the Caribbean-flavored dialects she used in "What Came Before He Shot Her"? Lots of research. "I wanted to write about characters doing the best that they can under very difficult circumstances. That was my first goal. Then I went to the Black housing estates themselves in order to learn the dialect spoken there, that Joel Campbell would have used. Writing dialect is tricky. If you write everything in dialect, it is quite hard to read -- so you look for and use only key words that only illustrate that a dialect is being used. For instance, Joel uses the slang version of 'Isn't it' a lot here."

Readers were apparently incensed when George killed off Helen Lynley, comparing it to when Arthur Conan Doyle killed off Sherlock Holmes. "But I knew several books before she finally got shot that Helen Lynley would have to die because I couldn't deal with her pregnancy. A baby would have closed the story down. There ain't much more boring to write about than a baby. At first I thought that a serial killer would bump her off, but that's just too convenient. Plus in Britain today it's more common that someone just shoots you for no known reason at all. So that's what happened to Helen. And although the reader is finally able to see what caused the shooting, the police never do find out either who really did it or why."

Writing and babies? George may be on to something here. Just look what happened to poor Sylvia Plath. Have you ever tried to write something deep and earnest while a four-year-old is bugging you to watch "The Backyardagans"? No easy task. Moral here? That if Helen Lynley had lived, she would have had a really hard time becoming a novelist?

"How do you go about writing and what would your typical writing day be like?" someone then asked George (that would be me).

"I grew up Catholic and am thus incapable of enjoying life because I feel so guilty if I'm not doing something. So I get up at 4:30 am, go running, and then put in six hours of writing in my office. I try to write at least five pages a day, and am currently working on two novels at the same time -- one that takes place in DeLuca, Italy, and one that's a young-adult novel which takes place on Whidbey Island, where I live. And then I eat lunch and work in the garden or learn Italian in order to clear my head."

George also swears by Alfred Hitchcock's famous refrigerator test. "That's when people are still talking about his film even after they've gotten home -- and are looking in the refrigerator for a snack and still saying to themselves, 'Ah, come on. Nobody's going to do that...' Will a plot of mine pass the Refrigerator Test?"

What about setting a murder mystery in America, based conflicts here between the One Percent and the 99 percent -- similar to the class conflicts in Britain that Inspector Lyndley often deals with?

"No -- because the barriers between classes here are permeable, but in the UK it's virtually impossible to pass through class barriers. For instance, the UK tabloid press absolutely hates that Kate Middleton, whose grandfather was a coal miner, may become queen. It would be harder for me to make class differences in America as believable."

No problem there. All she would have to write about is how hard it is to penetrate American corporatist dynasties like the Rockefellers, Bushes, Morgans, Rothschilds, Gettys and Waltons (of Wal-Mart fame). I rest my case!

And what about research? "Never let it get in the way of your story. I always write about what I want to learn about -- not what I already know. I like to have a challenge when I write."

So how about this for the ultimate crime-novel-writing challenge: To write about who killed democracy in America and how the corporatist bad guys almost got away with the murder -- until Inspector Lynley solves the crime, gets the evil-doers convicted and then puts all these slimy corporatist bastards in jail where they belong.

And then George could definitely have fun combining this murder mystery plot with a LOT of social commentary.

******************************************************************************************************************Advertizements for myself: In these hard times of brutal (and illegal) corporatist ball-busting socialism-for-the-rich-only, I am doing whatever I can to make a spare dollar. Here are some of my current alternate-economy schemes that never seem to work -- but I keep hoping!****Need an actor to play an older woman in your movie? Then I'm your man! I can do all kinds of older women -- from judges, business execs and other insane zombies to bag ladies, cancer patients, kindly grandmothers and dying rest home patients. I've played them all. So send me a script and let's do this. Hollywood, here we come! ****Are you a plaintiffs' attorney who is tired of writing those pesky personal injury settlement briefs all the time? No problem! I can write them for you. Years of experience. And pay me only if you win your case.****Fortune Telling: If you scan a photocopy of the lifeline on the palm of your dominant hand, e-mail it to me at jpstillwater(at)yahoo.com with "Madame Jane" in the subject line, and then slip five dollars into my PayPal account, I can (and will) get Madame Jane to tell you approximately how long you are gonna live -- and also have her throw in some stuff about quality-of-life as well.

****

I recently got my Notary Public commission!

Need a Notary Public? Have seal, will travel. E-mail me at jpstillwater@yahoo.com and I'll stamp your document, make it official and only charge $10. Of course if you live outside of Berkeley, I may have to charge travel expenses -- but am well worth it!

"Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds."You can also buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, tote bags, truckers' caps, baby gear and/or teddy bears with this logo printed on them. They make great gifts, especially for those of us who are still idealists in these troubled times. To purchase, just click here:http://www.cafepress.com/StillTWaters

Now I've discovered "DocGreen's Therapeutic Healing Cream," which is made from shea butter, palm oil, vegetable wax and cannabis. That's right, you read that right. I am currently rubbing marijuana onto my knees.

And, yes, it's legal. And, yes, it works.

"But where did you get this stuff?" you might ask. "While standing on a corner in West Oakland? After skipping across the border to Tijuana? By following hippies around up on Telegraph? In the evidence room at the DEA? Where?"

I got it at my friendly local marijuana dispensary http://www.harborsidehealthcenter.com/. And what a trip that was too, with all kinds of types -- from arthritic old ladies and dying cancer patients to young men and women who looked like they've never been sick a day in their life -- standing in a really long line and waiting their turn in front of a huge display counter featuring everything from manufactured doobies and sativa buds to infused chocolates and ointments like the kind that I got.

But, hey, DocGreen's soothing therapeutic ointment worked.

Plus it also made me sort of happy -- a big surprise there. Not that I was stoned or zonked or nothing, and there was definitely no slow-motion-type incapacitation or uncontrollable munchies like I've heard that you get from eating dope brownies or smoking a spliff. And there was none of that sudden Bob Marley "one-love" positive-vib stuff either. I still have all the same worries and troubles that I used to have before -- that corporatists are still destroying our country and my tooth still hurts and I'm still overdrawn at the bank -- but now I'm just a little bit less on edge about all that and a little bit more able to cope.

PS: I figured that since just a little bit of DocGreen's healing therapeutic moisturizer helped my soreness and also my frame of mind, then perhaps I should try a bit more. So I rubbed some of the ointment onto my sore neck as well. Wrong thing to do. An immediate headache resulted, and then I started worrying again all over -- but this time more fiercely. Oh rats. I just knew it was too good to be true. Looks like I'd better go back to trying holy water and saunas.

But then I listened to Layna Berman on KPFA and she said that many people end up getting addicted to various substances by trying to "take the edge off" their lives. Hey, I wanna take the edge off! But according to Berman, no, that's not a good idea, Apparently having worries is a good thing -- because they force you to act, to try out different things that might end all those worries. Perhaps like joining OWS in order to end the corporatists' sleazy reign of terror in Washington? Oh, okay.

Berman also stated that by using outside means of cheering oneself up, then our body loses its own ability to cheer itself up.

PPS: Then I listened to a video on "Full Disclosure" that talked about how California is being taken over by Mexican drug lords -- even including taking over the legal medical marijuana trade. Yikes!

According to a recent "Full Disclosure" report, "Mexican Drug Cartels are controlling industrial farming of Marijuana while enslaving both the illegal alien laborers and the U. S. Farmers. Once entrapped by the Cartels, they are unable escape with their lives." http://www.fulldisclosure.net/Blogs/107.php

Double yikes! Now I'm in danger of becoming a member of the Sinaloa drug cartel! Just because I've got bad knees.

PPPS: If marijuana is illegal, shouldn't they make all those other artificial feel-good substances illegal too? Like cigarettes and booze? Wouldn't it be nice if you had to have a doctor's prescription before you could set foot into a liquor store?PPPPS: Someone else just recommended that I just simply stick to eating mushrooms. According to a recent TED video on the subject, mushrooms are the last best hope for this planet and we can even use them instead of fossil fuel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI5frPV58tY Yeah, but can mushrooms make my ankle and knees (and brain) feel any better?

PPPPS: Then I went up to that dispensary on Telegraph Avenue at http://berkeleypatientscare.com/ and got a chocolate infusion to eat. Forget that! One small bite almost the size of a baby's fingernail and I was absolutely frozen in place for the next TWELVE WHOLE HOURS. I couldn't even get to my computer to call for help on FaceBook!

****

This article is Part One of an ongoing series regarding the advantages and disadvantages of using medical marijuana. And if anyone wants to try DocGreen's Therapeutic Healing Cream, please let me know and I'll give you the 411.******************************************************************************************************************Advertizements for myself: In these hard times of brutal (and illegal) corporatist ball-busting socialism-for-the-rich-only, I am doing whatever I can to make a spare dollar. Here are some of my current alternate-economy schemes that never seem to work -- but I keep hoping!****Need an actor to play an older woman in your movie? Then I'm your man! I can do all kinds of older women -- from judges, business execs and other insane zombies to bag ladies, cancer patients, kindly grandmothers and dying rest home patients. I've played them all. So send me a script and let's do this. Hollywood, here we come! ****Are you a plaintiffs' attorney who is tired of writing those pesky personal injury settlement briefs all the time? No problem! I can write them for you. Years of experience. And pay me only if you win your case.****Fortune Telling: If you scan a photocopy of the lifeline on the palm of your dominant hand, e-mail it to me at jpstillwater(at)yahoo.com with "Madame Jane" in the subject line, and then slip five dollars into my PayPal account, I can (and will) get Madame Jane to tell you approximately how long you are gonna live -- and also have her throw in some stuff about quality-of-life as well.

****

I recently got my Notary Public commission!

Need a Notary Public? Have seal, will travel. E-mail me at jpstillwater@yahoo.com and I'll stamp your document, make it official and only charge $10. Of course if you live outside of Berkeley, I may have to charge travel expenses -- but am well worth it!

"Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds."You can also buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, tote bags, truckers' caps, baby gear and/or teddy bears with this logo printed on them. They make great gifts, especially for those of us who are still idealists in these troubled times. To purchase, just click here:http://www.cafepress.com/StillTWaters

Friday, January 13, 2012

Bizarre News: What American corporatists are getting away with now

After I got my long hair caught in a vacuum cleaner the other day, my first thought was pure terror -- like I had just been attacked by werewolves or vampires with claws! But then my second thought was, "Gee, at least I HAVE a vacuum cleaner".

Despite the recent huge economic downturn, most Americans are still relatively well-off right now, even me. Sure, our infrastructure sucks eggs and we mostly have run-down schools and hospitals, but at least we still have them. Old and run down. But still functioning at least.

But wait! Perhaps help for our hospitals is finally on the way! Is it really true that American corporatists have recently decided to spend over nine billion dollars to build at least 20 brand new state-of-the-art hospitals in Georgia? According to RT News, yes indeed this is true.

The only problem here, however, is that the corporatists who currently own our country are now in the process of building these 20 wonderful new hospitals in the former Soviet-bloc state of Georgia -- not in the American state with the same name that's famous for peaches and Braves. http://rt.com/politics/us-georgia-iran-war-441/

How bizarre is that news?

And now I've just read where American corporatists have recently sent in the U.S. Coast Guard to break up a strike by American longshoremen. That's even more bizarre than getting one's hair sucked into a vacuum cleaner -- and even more painful. One can always just cut one's hair off, but forcing America's military to act like low-life strike-breaking scabs? That's a cut to our democracy that may never heal.

ILWU members had been promised jobs in Longview as a priority condition for allowing corporatists to receive massive federal subsidies to build a new terminal at the Washington state port. But after the terminal was safely built, greedy corporatist slugs then fired the longshoremen's union members point-blank -- and not only got away with it but used the U.S. military as their own personal enforcers and thugs. http://www.longshoreshippingnews.com/2011/10/san-francisco-unions-support-ilwu-local-21-at-egt/.

Am I the only one that finds this news a bit bizarre?

American coproratists seem to be getting away with EVERYTHING these days. Cheating on elections, throwing people out of their homes, never paying taxes, robbing our treasury blind, fighting undeclared wars for fun and profit on our dime, beating protesting citizens with clubs, buying off Congress, etc. But almost nobody in America seems to want to stop them.

Had enough yet? Or do you want to read some even more bizarre news about what corporatists are getting away with now? Yes? Then take a long look at this: The unassailable New York Times, the esteemed Gray Lady herself, recently reported that the IAEA had accused Iran of using its nuclear program to develop military weapons. But guess what? The IAEA had said no such thing. Now the esteemed Gray Lady has lied to us (again) in order to get us into a useless and unnecessary war (again) that would only benefit corporatists. http://publiceditor.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/10/times-errors-irans-nukes-sfs-voting/

Very deja vu. Very bizarre.

But -- to me (but apparently to nobody else) -- this is the absolute most bizarre news of all: Perry, Santorum, Obama, Romney and even Newt Gingrich and JEB Bush are all running on a platform of being good Christians. Huh? What?

NO ONE who either calls for the bombing women and children in Asia, the Middle East, Africa and America -- or is actually out doing it -- can EVER call himself or herself a good Christian. Ever. These people are no more good Christians than was Attila the Hun.

Send drones to kill babies? Where in the Bible does it say that Jesus did that?

Leaving the meek of the earth to starve to death and the peacemakers of the world to be jailed? Jesus is down with that too? Not!

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," said Jesus. Beating down non-violent OWS protesters with pepper spray, tear gas and truncheons? NOT CHRISTIAN. Not Christian at all.

Yet no one seems to be calling these monsters out on their uber-hypocracy. No one calls them out at all. That's bizarre.

And it's also rather bizarre that all these corporatist presidential candidates are happily telling us that they are in favor of "Democracy". There is NOTHING less democratic than a corporation. Face it, CEOs are tyrants. Corporatists worship the dictatorship model. To tell us that they want America to remain a democracy is absurd.

Corporatists by definition are top-down kinds of guys, "Do what I say or else you will lose all." Corporatists by definition are bullying-type authoritarians who spit on America's treasured democratic principles -- and don't you ever forget it!

Now let's turn to the comic-page section of the news.

The average American today seems to more and more resemble that Peanuts cartoon character Charlie Brown -- always trusting that somehow Lucy will let him finally kick the football. But guess what? No matter how many times you vote for the party of Bush-Obama-Romney-Santorum-Clinton-Paul or believe mainstream media reports or trust corporatists to finally hold the ball upright, you are still gonna get tricked every time. And you're still gonna land flat on your face while corporatist secretly laugh at you as you lie there in the mud. And it's still gonna hurt.

How's that for bizarre news?******************************************************************************************************************Advertizements for myself: In these hard times of brutal (and illegal) corporatist ball-busting socialism-for-the-rich-only, I am doing whatever I can to make a spare dollar. Here are some of my current alternate-economy schemes that never seem to work -- but I keep hoping!****Need an actor to play an older woman in your movie? Then I'm your man! I can do all kinds of older women -- from judges, business execs and other insane zombies to bag ladies, cancer patients, kindly grandmothers and dying rest home patients. I've played them all. So send me a script and let's do this. Hollywood, here we come! ****Are you a plaintiffs' attorney who is tired of writing those pesky personal injury settlement briefs all the time? No problem! I can write them for you. Years of experience. And pay me only if you win your case.****Fortune Telling: If you scan a photocopy of the lifeline on the palm of your dominant hand, e-mail it to me at jpstillwater(at)yahoo.com with "Madame Jane" in the subject line, and then slip five dollars into my PayPal account, I can (and will) get Madame Jane to tell you approximately how long you are gonna live -- and also have her throw in some stuff about quality-of-life as well.

****

I recently got my Notary Public commission!

Need a Notary Public? Have seal, will travel. E-mail me at jpstillwater@yahoo.com and I'll stamp your document, make it official and only charge $10. Of course if you live outside of Berkeley, I may have to charge travel expenses -- but am well worth it!

"Life is a competition. The winners are the ones who do the most good deeds."You can also buy T-shirts, coffee mugs, tote bags, truckers' caps, baby gear and/or teddy bears with this logo printed on them. They make great gifts, especially for those of us who are still idealists in these troubled times. To purchase, just click here:http://www.cafepress.com/StillTWaters