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3/1/13

it can always get worse

I have known for a long time that things can get worse. As my life is continuing to deteriorate. Knowing that doesn't really soften the blow for me or relieve the disappointment I feel although I wish it did.

I'm twenty-nine years old and can barely walk a flight of stairs. If I complete a single errand and then lay around the rest of the day I consider that a success as I have no energy or physical strength.

It is my first night without one of my sleeping pills. My doctor and I think it is making me sedated during the day, so I am going off it. Of course I can't sleep tonight, even though I am on Vicodin. Oh, and the Vicodin isn't relieving my pain at all.

I am taking Vicodin because I pulled a ligament in my shoulder carrying in some groceries (fibromyalgia makes me more prone to injuries like that), so I am in even more pain than normal. Like excruciating pain. And I just have to deal with it.

Pain is so depressing. It's awful when I can't brush my teeth at night because my hands go numb and ache so bad due to carpel tunnel (which I am wearing braces for with little relief). It really sucks when I can hardly walk around during the day because my feet hurt so bad due to plantar fasciitis and I have to spend hundreds of dollars on shoes to help my feet heal when we don't have the money.

And then I go see my doctor to talk about the pain and she tells me she is prescribing me pain meds but doesn't agree with giving them to me. Even though I am in horrible pain. Even though the ones she has prescribed are not working.

It sucks when I have two pairs of jeans to wear each day that are falling apart. I have two bras and the underwire has fallen out of one of them. I have eight shirts that are seriously all the same but in different colors, they are also losing their shape. When I have poor body image it's awful to not have clothes that help me feel even a smidge ok with myself.

Our dishwasher only washes the bottom rack so we have to do dishes by hand and it has caused my back to ache for two months (now Ronald who is busy enough already will have to wash the dishes). Oh, and we can't afford to fix the dishwasher. And tomorrow I have to get an x-ray to make sure my back is alright.

Our house hasn't been swept or vacuumed in over a month and we have three dogs that shed everywhere. I can't dust, I can't fold the laundry or lift a heavy load into the wash machine. I can hardly feed our dogs breakfast. I can't cook but maybe once a week if I'm lucky. I can't clean our bathroom (it has been maybe eight months since the shower has been cleaned), I can't bathe our dogs who haven't had baths in two months. I want to redecorate some things but I can't even lift my arms to take a picture off the wall. I can hardly light a candle at night. Or stand up from a seated position.

I have terrible blisters on my heels from wearing cheap shoes so I have to wear boots or flip flops until they heel because they hurt so bad. And I don't have any flip flops.

Ronald is so busy with work and school we have very little time together. And when we do we are both so tired from the day we don't really have much energy to connect. My lack of energy keeps me from doing much (not that we have time anyway) other than going on a lunch date together on the rare occasion. Plus, I am gluten-free and oh my lord food is so boring, and anytime I go out to eat I have to be so careful. I eat the same things every day because I don't have the energy to make anything else. I hate food.

Plus I'm depressed, like for real. Plus all my creativity has died. Plus I can't sleep tonight. I know things can still get worse. But right now life just sucks.