Thursday, March 12, 2009

Year-round Christmas decorations

As we move into mid-March, we—like Julius Caesar before us—are tipped off to beware the Ides of March, but I think we need to keep an eye out for the real killer: Christmas shit that hasn’t been taken down.

The holidays are usually a disappointment so why prolong the agony well into the new year? Do you enjoy jacked-up electric bills? Do you get some sort of sick satisfaction by turning your house into a giant nightlight for your cul de sac? Does the Christmas spirit live within you and your candy cane cardigan 365 days a year? Are you simply a lazy fuck?

You took down the inflatable snow globe, you say? Shut your effin' elfin trap. You've still got a sleigh parked on the roof and a flocked tree peeking out of the picture window. You might as well stick a red-and-green sign in your front yard that says, "I deserve to get run over by a reindeer."

Whatever the case, let me spell it out: Strands of icicle lights, while I stomach them for a five-week period in November and December, are not mood lighting. Tinsel is not to be trifled with after the first week in January. Send the holiday sweaters packing (in mothballs). And above all, a Christmas tree, real or artificial, is not a houseplant. After the holidays, it's an eyesore.

If you let your figgy pudding freak flag fly year-round, here's how I'm going to join in your celebration. I'm going to repurpose the little drummer boy's snare drum and smash it over your head. I might grind up a little mistletoe and slip it into your eggnog. And if your house looks like Santa's workshop and crocuses are blooming outside, I'm going fill your stocking with lumps of coal and get Kris Kringle on your ass. Ho, ho, ho, motherfucker.

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