Coachee: I knew I had a problem with anger…

Being bulliedSometimes the experiences of childhood do have a quite lasting impact on your life. You don’t realize this as long as everything goes smoothly. But if things continuously go wrong, you suddenly become aware of it…

Never any of the sessions with Chungmei had tired me mentally like this single one hour. I felt like taking a nap immediately or at least stop my circulating thoughts by watching some nonsense serial like Gossip Girl. Well… how did we end up there? Chungmei usually is not a coach putting you down…

This time, we did something different, compared to the three sessions before. She sensed that something was wrong with me, something really really deep inside. Behind my desperately sounding wish of finding a guy to settle for good, behind my feelings of crying, my stubborn wish for revenge with regard to my former boyfriend in India who is going to marry soon… some common thing was underlying all that. Something with a taste of danger, ready to be released at any moment: ANGER. This emotion of anger resulted to be abnormally strong, as it had grown inside me for decades.

Right in those moments, I felt a pain in my chest. Additionally, I felt this so familiar suffocating pressure in my belly. What to do if you are caught in this emotional prison of your own body? I felt like crying. I always do when I feel likewise, as this is the way to release my emotions, and it is less strenuous to excrete sadness than anger. Only this time, my coach was the one who pushed me to do that! First step… locating your emotions. Oh my god, this compression of my belly, this pinching…no wonder I have a bad digestion in times of trouble!

I put the anger into my brain. I tried to imagine it. It took the shape of a huge solid rock just above me. I felt like standing close to a wall of the Grand Canyon although I had never gone there in real life… Nothing helped me to penetrate the rock. I climbed up a ladder and touched the brownish stone… just it didn’t open up to me like the rock cave opened in Ali Baba and the 40 thieves.

Second step… breathing… to relax the anger… to calm down… Opened my eyes. Felt tired. Really strenuous session… How I do hate emotional management because it eats up the whole energy of your body!! A meditation anger session – how can meditation be so fatiguing?

My coach was now strongly interested in finding out the root of my anger. Root of anger? Well…I knew I had a problem with anger, but I never went to its base… But to find my own base anew, I agreed to go very far back, to find the experiences and emotions which never were worked about. So much quickly we ended up in – childhood. I talked what I felt and saw that time… I talked about how other pupils always tried to annoy me in school for my good grades and because I didn’t present any resistance to their activities…I was bullied, oh my god. It seems like a sticking pain in my life…

This time, after this session, I needed a time out… so much hard work to undergo all those memories and physical pains. Next session we will work on that, my coach promised me. I know, again I might feel this pain and desperation, but I have to face it. Looking forward to it, Chungmei…