Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Lets see puppy update... still have 6 all doing well. Will post pics tomorrow.

Monday found us taking Chance to the vet for a rabies vaccine and to check out the bites from Megan. D was worried about them as the one on his back was still bleeding every now and again and since I developed cellulitis so quickly he didn't want to take the chance Chance was doing that as well. Chance weighed in at a svelte 12 lbs 3 oz. (apparently feeding him the diet food is helping) though he still needs to lose a pound or two. Wounds are fine. Rabies shot went well. This is the first time D has had to take him to the vet alone and so I had to write out a detailed history to help him out and so that they wouldn't vaccinate him against other things as the bugger is allergic to 2 other vaccines.

Tuesday found me working Monday night and Tuesday night... Tuesday day involved us taking pups and Megan to the vet for tail do*cking and dew claw removal... they did great. The vet thought they looked excellent and that their weights are doing well as well. She was amazed at how "healthy" the pups are as she saw Megan on Monday of last week and would have thought the pups would be undernourished or not as many. So... so far so good.

Wednesday - D procured his specimen and drove to the office to drop it off... got lost on the way and called me in a panic. Got there with a few minutes to spare. We had the IUI at around 10:45... his count was 5.7 million washed (no clue if that's good - I believe it's an "ok" count rather than excellent) D blames it on the fact we had dtd on Monday morning... lesson learned we'll abstain longer. The nurse attempted to do the IUI however my cervix - not so friendly. It apparently wanted to hide rather than stay and play. She tried at least three times to make it happen without success. Of course the room was missing the equipment she was looking for so she went out to get it and came back with Dr. Nice - (he's my doctor's partner) and he is very nicel, a bit quiet. He switched catheters to the curved one and said he'd give it a shot before we went for the gripper (aka tena*culum). He was successful. Thank goodness. Laid with my hips up for 10 minutes and then off we went.

So who knows what's going on in there... hopefully a few good sperms meet up with those eggs and at least one decides to stick around.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Yes you read that correctly - 7 little hellions. We currently have 3 males, 4 females that were born Saturday night. It's been fun times at our house. Nothing like 3 inexperienced individuals attempting to have puppies. D and I - inexperienced - all D can remember from his EMT class was "massage the fundus" and well I know very little about birthing babies - let alone the canine variety.

We toasted after all was said and done and toasted to "our first and last litter of puppies". We were not meant to have puppies. We were not meant to breed dogs. I love puppies - I just can't handle the stress of what if's.

Megan did a great job. The pups weight ranges from 9.6 oz to 14.8 oz... (yes we have a runt and a fattie)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

D and I recently participated in a research study... it was for the male perspective on recurrent miscarriage. I filled out a survey - actually 2-3 surveys and D then had to do a telephone interview.

D is such a trooper... seriously - he felt he didn't give her the response she wanted... but truthfully the pregnancies for him have all rolled together - there's really only 3 that stand out for him... The first... the one in January when we were on clomid and then our rest cycle and accompanying D/C. He's plain and simply put lost track of them. To be honest so have I. It's the reason why I've updated my about me... because if I don't write it down - they all blend together - one after another chemical pregnancy...

I'd describe D and I as a "extra crispy". I recently attended a Resolve meeting and it was good... It helped... I love my online groups, but meeting real people was nice as well. D even came in towards the end (after going shooting at the range for an hour to blow off some steam in regards to Megan's news). He's not sure if he'll go back or not... he's fine either way. He'd rather shoot though as that's how he deals with his emotional issues - he either talks with me or shoots something whether it be with live bullets and a target or a video game that requires shooting.

We all have different ways we cope... mine is sleep - who am I to argue with his if it works.

Dealing with my mother and dealing with a car salesman should require me to get a medal... a prize (preferably monetary in value). It's awful.

I've had multiple phone calls from Mom in regards to the price of the car - etc. In her mind if she could shop at Goodwill and get a car she would. She would have lost her mind if I had taken her to Saturn where she couldn't haggle about the price. However haggling is not something I truly truly enjoy so this has been awful. I'm tired of the phone calls... I'm truly tired of them.

Today found me getting a panic phone call from Mom regarding the insurance... she had spoke with them 3 times in the space of 10 minutes (I learned this after talking to our insurance lady - Who both D and I LOVE! She rocks!) My mother after talking with the insurance lady called me and then I had to call the car salesman and then call the insurance lady with the info. Talk about a roundabout way of gettiing things done. This is the way it's going to be all weekend... and I have to work ALL weekend. Let the fun begin.

*On the Megan front... I think she popped after we heard the confirmation because our girl certainly has a different figure than she had a few days ago. I felt at least one puppy in there moving around and probably 2 other puppies in there... I'm not certain of course, but it was definitely something. Megan likes to spend most of her days lying on her back belly up with her feet in the air. We've yet to figure out where she's going to have these puppies... we've got to figure all this stuff out soon... Poor D he's totally overwhelmed by the prospect. I am as well, but who can't be a bit happy about puppies - wiggly little balls of fur and in our case these will most likely be silver sleek little weimaraner puppies. As Megan was only around other weimaraners. This should be interesting and hopefully not too plentiful.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Remember Megan's tatas were getting a bit bigger, but we thought she might be having a false pregnancy...

Turns out we were wrong. It is official... Megan is knocked up. Megan will most likely be having a few (God willing less than 5) puppies sometime in the next two weeks or so - give or take a few days... We were stunned. D spent a few hours muttering.

We feel like fools... fools because unfortunately false pregnancy and real pregnancy in dogs can look very similar. We feel stupid because Megan has been aching for more food and we've limited it because we didn't want her to gain weight too quickly... (that and the only place it looked like she was gaining weight was in her knockers).

Ultimately all we want is for Megan to be healthy and her pups as well... This is definitely going to be an interesting Christmas... guess what FIL/MIL are getting for Christmas... I'll give you two guesses and it should only take you one.

So uhmm if you get a box and it has holes in it after the new year... it's with love from us :)

*In all seriousness we plan on finding loving homes for all of these pups - however many there may be... again hope for few rather than many... 3 - 3 is a good number right? So uhmm know any good dog midwives?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

First off FSH numbers - would have had the results last night IF the damn lab had run them - apparently they are only done on first shift. I called at 10 a.m. to get the results... Normal is less than 9... Mine was 4.0. Phew - I feel like I dodged a bullet there. Apparently Nurse Sweetie was right... we shall see what this month brings, but having one number makes me a bit more relieved.

I didn't start worrying till I was playing bulletin board bingo with a doctor and he mentioned crap egg qualities as a reason for my response. It's nice to know I'm not rotten yet!

On to the rest of the story...

A few months ago during a heated debate with FIL I said "Grandma doesn't even like me." He apparently has been fretting about this thought ever since. Me - not so much. I believe it's a bonus a perk if your husband's extended family likes you. I am fairly confident that few of my husband's extended family (all the ones on my FIL's side like me) and a select few on my MIL's family like me. I could care less either way. I interact with these people rarely now that D's over here that it really doesn't matter. D isn't even sure if his mom's extended family likes him and again we don't care.

FIL is worried about this and he called and spoke with D and begged him to tell me that grandma likes me. That her behavior is just her way. (She's an old bat... she's the one that I pissed off and D has pissed off just by opening our mouths...) Loving is not a word I would use to describe her. We have 1 picture of her at our wedding... she left after the ceremony rather than staying for pictures so we have NO pics with her because she left. Nice huh... can't imagine why I might think she doesn't like me? My feelings came to a head a few months ago when I pissed off grandma royally... she got all huffy, quit talking, said snotty things etc. Let me also say I don't intentionally try to piss off grandma - I can't help it if she wants to defend a convicted felon and I disagree. Most people would side with me on this one if they knew the true story. Actually those of you that know the full story have sided with D and I on our feelings about D's twisted extended family.

So D relayed his dad's feelings to me... and I laughed, D laughed when I responded with - does he honestly think I worry about this? Because we rarely talk about D's family except when the holidays come around. This year is a challenge because teh convicted felon is out of jail and D has some HUGE anger issues in regards to him. (The convicted felon is D's cousin and his crime is awful and just talking about him makes D angry) D told his dad that we wouldn't be at Christmas either... and that went over like a lead balloon. He invited them over - and of course was told well "J and the girls will be up..." which equals we can't come up because we have to visit with them.

D says that doesn't hurt him, but I think it does... he says "it's the way it always has been." To me it's wrong, but again I'm from two parents that would move heaven and earth to spend a holiday with me... if I couldn't come home - they came to me. My mom is coming to us so that she can spend the holidays with us. D's an only child for goodness sake I thought his parents would do the same, but again - I'm proven wrong... they would rather spend their holiday season with the extended family then their own son. I think FIL would come over but MIL is fearful of her old bat of a mother if she bucked tradition and spent the holidays with us. Yes I know I sound bitter... I'm not, but I think on some level it hurts D and to hurt D you hurt me and well... it pisses me off. One of these days FIL and I will have a talk about all this. Until then I have to call and let him know that truthfully could give a rats ass less if grandma in law likes me or not... her opinion of me doesn't count. I don't need her approval. I have his son's love and that's all I'll ever need. Anything else is a bonus.

Should be a fun conversation huh...

*I know FIL cares about me and I know my MIL does as well - they like me because I do bring a lot of joy to D's life and I love him more than words can say... and they recognize that. My MIL doesn't get me, but she tries... and my FIL enjoys me... I think that's good enough. The rest of the family can well - fly a kite.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

U/S on Friday showed no cysts. I know the u/s is precautionary but seriously - not one single cyst has ever graced these ovaries - why would one suddenly crop up now when we're on cycle 7 for injectables? I decided to have my fsh tested - of course I was supposed to get those results tonight, but I'll have them in the morning. It was left up to me whether I wanted the test done or not - apparently last month was the only month I responded so poorly. It could have been due to becoming tolerant to meds. Since I'm a) young and b) ovaries have been responsive we're going full speed ahead and increasing the meds in the hopes of a few good ones showing up to party with D's sperm. I'll be doing the estrace again as well and I'll have another u/s on Friday. In other words let the games begin.

D after hearing of the cost of an IUI - his words (not a bad price) has voted to do the IUI if we have more than one follicle for his sperm to aim for. Got to love that my husband while he has no problem performing on command wants the best bang for our buck (again his words) and any percentage point increase in success in his eyes is a better chance (math is not his strong suit). He feels this way in part because if this fails we'll be going the natural route with progesterone supplementation after ovulation for a while.

Now on to the meat and potatoes of this post...

Yesterday was not a great day.... truthfully today wasn't much better. With my mother's planned visit next week she has been on me to go and price out an all wheel drive vehicle for her with a trade in of her truck of course. Now this isn't an easy thing to do because I don't know all the details of her truck and it's not like she does either. She has to have an all wheel drive vehicle as truthfully her truck is a death trap. One time while D was living with her (I was there at the time as well) she decided to ignore both of our wishes and drive her and her dog Sadie when the roads were awful. She ended up in the ditch with the front end of her truck literally perpendicular to the road and the back end of her truck up in the air. Poor Sadie was traumatized from the event. D was livid when we got the phone call because she didn't listen and because she could have been seriously hurt. So with D no longer living with mom he's worried about her driving a truck that is awful in snow and ice. So we've been car hunting for her.

We had a great salesman for our last purchase... I wanted this guy again. Of course the guy we had has since left the dealership - imagine cursing occurring because it well did. I ended up with someone I used to work with when I was a paramedic. We'll call this guy Slick - because seriously he is very slick... and while charming you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. So I spent two days with Slick (Friday and Saturday) and I'm going to end up spending part of Monday with him to hammer out this deal as well as Friday to get my mom to sign the papers etc. My mom of course has an unreasonable price that she wants - that I can't get for her... and I have to be the one to break the news to her. She turns her cell phone on then turns it off so the whole phone negotiations have been so much fun.

I came home and I've had D make me a drink. It's been that kind of day. I hope the rest of the week gets better. Seriously.

Will update with FSH numbers once I know them in the morning (apparently they can only be run during first shift) bastards.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

First since I enjoy posting conversations with my mother and truthfully I have nothing of importance to say - here goes...

Mom - Jackass came through the surgery fine?Me - Why did Jackass have surgery? Mom - He got hurt at work... his shirt got caught and his arm got crushed. Didn't you knowMe - (thinking in head - hello? The only way I'd have this info was if she had told me) Nope didn't know... glad to hear he's okay. Mom - I was there for it... it's what your dad would have wanted. Me - I'm glad you were able to be there for him (as for what dad would have wanted - I hate the times when she says this because yes he would have wanted her to be there for Jackass but he would have also wanted Jackass to be a better person)Mom - I was just thinking about you and had to call... how's DMe - D's fine... and when are you coming for Thanksgiving? Mom - Wednesday night...

So my mom is coming Wednesday night... should be interesting to say the least. I'm sure I'll have at least one trip for a cooter cam visit while she's here. She wants to go car shopping... an all wheel drive vehicle. On the one hand I think that's great on the other - not so much. Shopping where haggling involved with my mom is kind of like waiting for a bomb to go off and the bomb squad trying to neutralize the thing... so this could be interesting.

Cycle 20 hasn't started yet... I figure it'll be here either today or tomorrow. Either way it'll be okay. I'm still doing searches on literature to either say yes to the IUI or no... I think ultimately it will depend on whether or not there is more than one egg... if it's just one egg- NO... if more than one - YES... makes it rather simple then for us to decide.

In other fronts I'm going to ask them to use the drug doses from two cycles ago as that one yielded the best number of eggs... 2-3 I believe that were mature. We'll see how that suggestion goes - but seriously - 2 cycles with 1 egg with the same med dosages leads me to believe that that's not the answer. I could of course be wrong. We shall see.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I'm not going to beat around the bush... the beta was negative and I'm suprisingly calm about this. Shockingly even... and it's because I have some great friends that are going to help to make my last of this year at the very least and hopefully last for quite a while injectable cycle a good one...

I'm tempted to even see about doing an IUI this time rather than just the timed intercourse as I think - key word "think" that the odds of success increase substantially. I could of course be wrong. Also I'd have to manage to be triggered to ovulate on one of D's off days. Maybe we'll call this our Christmas present if we go with an IUI as I don't even know how much that costs.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Congratulations Mandy and C on the arrival of Kathryn Elizabeth! D and I both are ecstatic for the two of you... I know it wasn't as smooth a transition to the world as you would have liked, but she's here and that's the part that matters. So go on over and congratulate the new parents.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Then I proved that it does happen... without rhyme or reason. That those things you don't think could possibly happen two years in a row on or about the same freaking day do happen. You try to pick up the shattered pieces of yourself and you want to just beat the hell out of the world. But you can't. You have to go on.

DD received some awful news yesterday regarding Wolf. We all were rooting for Wolf and hoping the best for DD and her hubby. Today is the anniversary of her loss of Vivienne on November 10, 2004... I hate that another loss is on DD's doorstep and this is so fucking unfair.

I know - nothing in life is fair. How I wish that that wasn't the case. I wish that good, kind, compassionate, loving individuals never had to deal with loss... because it just isn't right and I have no answers as to why these things happen.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I feel as if I've dodged a bullet... even though we are not 100% certain I spoke with the woman who we got Megan from and it is unlikely that Megan had an opportunity to get knocked up while in heat. I say unlikely because Megan was under the care of someone other than Megan's breeder at the time of her heat cycle. She does think that Megan may be having a pseudopregnancy and well with those you just wait it out. We'll keep an eye on her and if this doesn't resolve by Thanksgiving we'll take her in to the vet and let him figure things out. Which reminds me I have to get Chance's rabies vaccine updated and then 3 new dog licenses.

As for our cycle... I hate limbo... and unfortunately we'll be in limbo until Tuesday... that's what 5-6 days away... and apparently googling how soon will ovid*rel leave your system doesn't give you a definitive answer... I've heard 10 days, but well in my past history I think it's been longer.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

D apparently has to work at 0830 in the morning. He's less than thrilled. I think his thrill level is pretty comparable to when he has to go have his wisdom teeth removed, but without the drugs and novacaine... I could be wrong, but something tells me that come O dark early tomorrow morning I'm going to have my husband's evil twin on my hands rather than the guy I love. I may have to unleash my evil twin on his ass to get him to quit whining about it.

Apparently the incentive of a drug bust or buy (I so do not know the lingo) is going to cause D to be happy about this early morning call to duty. So far I know nothing about what he's doing... Which is fine with me... he comes home and we talk about the dogs.

Ernie has taken to twirling his kennel around while in it. Unfortunately this causes damage to Ernie's nose. The poor dog looks like someone has been beating his nose... in reality the only one beating Ernie is Ernie. Bad Ernie. Megan on the other hand spins in her kennels and I fear that if I put tassles on her nipples she'd look like a po*rn star rather than the beautiful weimaraner she is. Lola has taken to chasing after bunnies in the yard and not coming when called and Chance well Chance is curled up in his kennel under a bunch of blankets.

When Chance isn't in his kennel which while large for a mini dachshund is small to a weimaraner... Ernie when yelled at or pouting at not having a spot next to either D or me on the couch, bed, etc is climbing into Chance and Lola's kennel and fucking it all up. I say this because he does... he goes in there and is crouched all around - somehow manages to spin himself in there and then proceeds to try and bunch up the pillows/blankets just so. Chance generally at this point will stand outside the kennel and then come stare at either D or myself and go back to the kennel as if to say "WTF!!!!" He is less than thrilled. He wasn't thrilled that Lola was going to share his kennel, but she does have body heat so that made it okay... but then Ernie too? No. No. No. No. NO! So then either D or myself have to go and convince Ernie he needs to be out of Chance's kennel which then causes him to go to the "faux" kennel (it's a fabric kennel and seriously it wouldn't hold any of my dogs in it for longer than 15 minutes) and to make his point he gets that faux kennel rocking, rolling, on it's side, etc until finally it either caves in on him or he is able to sit down just so.

My dogs are drama queens. They learned it from my husband... because I of course am the picture of tranquility.

I voted at the polls for the first time in my adult life. Prior to this I had always done an absentee ballot. D was shocked because he had always voted at the polls... I'm temped to contact my fil and tease him about who I voted for - but I can only do that if my candidate actually wins. Otherwise it's going to be a long phone call. Here's hoping the good guys win.

In other news did I mention that my employers insurance is being benevolent and willing to pay for $500 for infertility testing/diagnostics. Gee uhmm thanks. If you imagine me scratching my head going yeah that'll cover maybe 3 u/s. I know it's a step forward... and I know I'll probably have to continue to email the person in charge of coming up with our benefits - which I will do... but it's frustrating. Why can't someone just mandate that infertility be covered. It would be too simple apparently.

So in the meantime I will leave you with a quote... because I think that's what most of us have done... we may have hit the end of our rope, but we're still hanging on.

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." – Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Monday, November 06, 2006

D is going to be working with the drug task force this week doing "training". Truthfully I have no idea what kind of "training" you can do in jeans, t-shirt, bullet proof vest, and a gun but what do I know - I'm just a nurse. It should be interesting to say the least. He will be working 8 hour shifts and it'll be from 2pm -10 pm... I'm thinking just how many drug dealers is he even going to interact with? I could of course be wrong. He's giddy. It's comical and I'm probably peeing on his parade by being snarky about it. We went to find the place that he has to report to... I won't disclose locations, but I thought it was comical. I have that kind of sense of humor.

I truly take my husband's job seriously - most days. Then there are days when I don't. Today apparently is one of the don'ts. D couldn't look like a drug dealer without a hollywood dresser coming in and dressing him. This is of course just my opinion in spite of some of the music D listens to... it's just not believable. I truthfully also do not really know what he'll be doing this week. I assume it's dealing with drugs, but heck it could be hookers. Who knows. I'm sure I'll have lots to tell as the two weeks go by.

In the meantime - I currently have 1 dog, 1 husband and myself in the bed. Every now and again Megan or Ernie will attempt to sleep in the bed. We're trying very hard to enforce that they have to sleep in their bed. The two weims in one bed is quite comical. We recently put the duvet cover back on and well it's warm and toasty and makes Lola have to come out from under the covers about halfway through the night. This is the pooch who falls asleep on a heating pad if given the opportunity. So yeah it gets that warm.

In other news... Megan - well I'm beginning to wonder if she isn't knocked up or have a pseudopregnancy going on... her nipples are a bit enlarged/engorged/whatever you want to call them but they're not right! I of course haven't taken her to a vet yet... If she is that's fine... if she's not that is fine as well - actually that would be great if she wasn't. If it's a pseudopregnancy though you have to time the spaying to when it's resolved... and well how the heck do you know it's resolved. No - I've never had an intact female so yes this is my first time and no I do not having any working knowledge of the canine reproductive system other than what Dr. Google tells me. So any and all advice is appreciated. D says her nipples get larger whenever she drinks water. He would like to purchase a coconut bra for her at this point.

I got nothing to say about my reproductive foray... we're shooting up and of course taking the estrace and that's about it. Can't wait for next Tuesday to hurry up and get here so we can either stop or continue.

Have I mentioned that my mom's roof was leaking? No - well it was. Badly. D had tried to patch a few of the wholes apparently without success... so we knew Mom would have to get a new roof. My mom does not like to part with her money... ever. She's the queen of goodwill shopping, garage sales, and well any other bargain basement you can find. This does come in handy sometimes, but not when shopping for a new roof. She had multiple estimates as well as a few rude contractors that resulted in me having to call and give them a piece of my mind. Any contractors reading this blog - Never ever be rude to my mother where she calls me crying, because if you do I will be forced to call and complain and while my mom may be irrational on the phone I am not. Especially when jacked up on hormones. D also called to complain as well. Anything that makes my mom cry in a bad way makes D angry in a bad way. So not only did the contractors have to deal with me... they also had to deal with D. Granted I am much scarier on the phone than D is, but 2 angry potential customers is better to make the point.

Eventually we got a phone call from my mom saying that she had signed a contract and was getting the roof done. This week below are the phone conversations with my mom.

Thursday Mom - *irate* S I have no TV... what am I going to do... the dish is out and I can't watch my court trials. Me - uhmm did you call the dish company? Mom - well it's because I have no roof right now... Me - so what would you like me to do about it? Take a sleeping pill and go to work tomorrow. Mom - I don't have to work tomorrow, I'm going to the doctor. Sadie's upset as well (Sadie is her psycho golden lab)Me- give Sadie a sleeping pill too... you could always go to D's parents houseMom - Really? They wouldn't mind? Me - they have 3 tv's... seriously 3 tv's I'm sure you can take over one of them and they wouldn't notice. Mom - No... (big sigh) I'll just stay here, they'll be done tomorrow.

Friday Mom - The damn dish still isn't working...Me - did you ask the roofing guys to help you fix this problem? Mom - yes they came in and tried, but it still isn't workingMe - did you call the dish people? Mom - yes and they were going to charge me $150 dollars... I told them that I had the service plan and they told me that only covered indoor issues. Me - so are you going to pay the $150?Mom - No... I told them they could come and get their damn dish and I'd go buy an antenna... Me - so are they coming to get it? Mom - no they are coming and fixing it for free tomorrow. Me - so what are you going to do tonight? Do you want me to call D's parentsMom - No I can read.

Saturday afternoonMom- those damn dish people still aren't here to fix it. They called and tried to tell me no one would be here till next week. I HAVE to watch my 48 hours mystery... and I already missed my court trials. Me - so what are they going to do? Mom - I called their manager and they are coming to fix it and will be there within an hour. Me - why do I get all these phone calls? Mom - Your brother couldn't fix the tv and he'd just drive me nuts... Your other brother Jackass well he would probably end up hurting himself to get out of helping me... Me - glad to know I can be depended on even 3 hours away. Mom - I love you... Have you called your sister and gotten the kids clothing sizes?Me - I love you too... and I'll try to do that today.

Okay this is where the vent about my siblings comes up. I am the youngest of 4. I have a brother from my dad's first marriage, and a brother and a sister from my mom's first marriage. They are all older than me by 9-15 years. I am the only one that has ever received these phone calls. My one brother is a bit simple due to a previous head injury and while we all love him he drives you bonkers when attempting to do any home improvement project. He is constantly apologizing. His common sense is a bit screwy as well. My other brother Jackass - well he's a jackass because he has a son that he has abandoned in the same town that he lives in. Apparently he can't handle every other week visitation. Jackass will blame someone else for problems of his own making. Jackass also somehow manages to injure himself so if my mom does ask him to do anything he can't because he's sliced his hand, hurt his back, has a cold, etc. My sister - well her and my mom had a falling out about 6 years ago... and she holds a grudge. In spite of apologies, in spite of my dad's death - they have a civil relationship but it isn't warm and friendly and she doesn't call my mom all that often. Probably 1-2 times/year. This hurts my mom because my mom loves my sister and loves my sister's kids.

Ultimately my 3 siblings have left me as the one my mom can depend on... prior to that both my parents knew I was the one they could depend on. Who they could talk about their marriage difficulties, financial woes, joys or sorrows. That hasn't changed, but now instead of just me... my mom also has D. I'm thankful that D is able to help out as well because it makes the load a bit lighter.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I'm so happy to know I wasn't the only one irritated by D's friends comment. The sad part about her comments is that she isn't the first person to offer to send "water" - my mil and a few coworkers have offered as well. You can't fix clueless unfortunately especially in regards to my mil - would love for her to understand just how hurtful those comments are, but that would require her to "get" what these losses have done to her son and well they don't talk about their feelings. It's just not done.

As for being "perky" over here or persistently optimistic - don't worry perky is definitely not how I would describe myself. Unfortunately both D and myself are firmly stuck in reality. We know the odds of success are not high... yet we keep trying. I guess we're just stubborn and persistent.

Below is a list of the possible outcomes from this cycle - heck any cycle and D and I have discussed all of these outcomes at length... so we have plans for each. You know me I like to have a plan. a) negative b) positive c) ectopic d) miscarriage e) viable pregnancy in utero with a heartbeat (CRAP we haven't discussed that one!)

In regards to e if we're given the opportunity to even get to the point of seeing a heartbeat we'll take it a step further and start talking about all the other stuff. For now I think a through d covers the possibilities and if we have e then we can wing it for the most part.

Hope that made sense... I'm still brewing over my siblings, but trying to figure out how to even explain my relationship with my siblings... maybe we'll tackle that particular issue tomorrow or my mom and her relationship with my siblings... that would probably be more interesting.

Last night was our first PIO of this cycle... D has become very adept at these. It takes him about 2-3 and then he does not need me to point out landmarks. I'm impressed. Primarily because this is the man who broke out in cold sweat and almost passed out during his first subcutaneous injection he gave me. Terror would accurately describe his face that day. It wasn't pretty now he's a pro.

I'll be honest and please don't hate me but I truly don't have any issue with doing the PIO... it's simply more convenient for me to do this than to deal with pink cm from prometrium and a definite amount gets absorbed so in theory my progesterone level should never be in question. I should in theory have enough to sustain and maintain a pregnancy... if I of course were ever to get pregnant and make it stick kind of thing. We shall see.. only time will tell.

10 days down and then it's beta day... I just want it over and done with... whether it's positive or negative I can deal with the resulting roller coasters, but I just want to know one way or the other. I want things to work out, but I'm realistic in realizing that even if I get a positive things may not work out. D is too... and that I wish wasn't the case. I wish he still had some naivete about this whole process, but I've unfortunately brought him too to the dark side. I think that's the part that's harder than anything else... I can handle my dreams being crushed but watching his... seeing him stare at a baby at a restaraunt and point out the cute things the baby does breaks my heart... because I know he wants that too.

Seeing him respond to an email from a friend that's pregnant who offered to "send us the water as everyone is pregnant around her" and him saying thanks, but no... rather than going into detail and saying hello??? We have no problem getting pregnant and every problem staying pregnant. Knowing that he will be a wonderful father... and wanting more than anything to make him one.

Alright - can we all tell that the HCG has crept into my system and made me a complete nut case??? No? Well it has... we'll be back to our regularly scheduled snarkfest shortly. I have some posts brewing... a vent about my siblings... debating all our options... and gosh whatever else I might be able to come up with.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Well with trigger on Tuesday - ovulation should occur sometime on Thursday (today). What that means is the festivities have begun. I can thankfully say that all systems have been good to go and we will not be having the problem that we had last month of lack of effort on anyone's part.

We have had a dilemma... Megan. Megan has been an issue we had to figure out how to a) get her off the bed and b) get her to stay off the bed. Fortunately we figured this problem out on Sunday rather than on Tuesday because we would probably be quite irritable right about now. D brought out the dog bed and sat it next to the bed and made Ernie lay down. Then he'd tell Megan to lay down (imagine a 45 lbs dog giving you the finger that's the look he got) as she jumped up onto the bed and prepared to lay down on her side of the bed (my side). D grab her collar drag her down and make her lay down in the bed.... and repeat. After about 10 times of this, D would relax as Megan was laying down for a moment. Lights off - Megan back up on the bed. Drag back down - make her lay down... say a prayer that she'd stay down. This was quite the process... the sad part is that after the first night it did get better, but still required the reinforcement of the laying in the dog bed. So our romantic interludes have been well interspersed with dog training. Apparently having 4 dogs makes this whole ttc thing quite comical. Chance in the kennel... Megan and Ernie in the dog bed and Lola under the covers at the foot of the bed with a preseed cap to keep her occupied (she loves preseed caps actually she loves anything plastic).

So that's what the last few nights have had occupying our time.

D and I were talking and I asked if he knew how long it was that we'd been trying... and he goes nope, but it's been a while. Total time since we started trying - 21 months. Total number of pregnancies (chemical, miscarriage, and ectopic) 10. Total number of months we didn't try in that 21 month period - 6. Our average is just shy of 50% if you include total months... and like 75% if you take into acccount the months we were on a rest or pregnant and waiting to find out if it was going tits up. That's freakish. Plain and simple. We're a bunch of freaks. D just looked at me and goes - on the one hand it doesn't seem that long because we haven't made this into a chore... on the other hand hearing the number of months makes me go - geez has it been that long then slowly realize yep it's been that long. I know I've got back up plans, but still it'd be nice for once not to need the back up plan.

Here's hoping this month will be the month that I can finally throw my back up plans out the window. Wouldn't that be nice?