Dirty
Jokes XXVI

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They
start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the
first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated
50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to
the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This
one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can
learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and
his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The
wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this
one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and
inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is
and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a
recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not
realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is
cleaning.

The couple has been married only
two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go
out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey,"
says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a
beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the
refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six
places he's never even heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all
he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you
know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence
before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen
glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that
is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll,"
hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those
hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres,
Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork
strips, etc. "But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the
swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty
words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN
FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

Two aliens landed in the West
Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas
pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be
the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare
you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll
fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you
don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew
both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a
heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired
turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.
It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned
during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick
around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone
you shouldn't mess with!"

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like
Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is
like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is
like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free
with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like
Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is
like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a
damn.

Maria had just got married and
being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her
wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But
her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and
says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men
have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to
her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got
hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went
again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his
left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama."

A group of prisoners are in their
rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in
turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime
they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is
Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving
looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next
guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed
robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes
around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and
says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in
for" The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to
admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted!
They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!"
"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to
lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

Two couples had gone away for the
weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to
persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night.
After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought
of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when
they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will
tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of
times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung
over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3
times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill
takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3
times on the peanut butter!

A man is at the dentist's for a
check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you
had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks
the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception.
"Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the
dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my
teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist.
"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing
patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the
end of your nose."

A huge guy marries a tiny girl,
and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the
hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I
just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up
and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound
too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like
jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

Two gay men decide that they want
to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the
baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both
masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to
impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two
fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the
babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow,"
one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one
in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now
he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

A guy's walking down the
boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says,
"How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says,
"All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he
bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go
under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she
blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her
twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the extra five?" He
says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

A man was stranded in the desert
for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man
and said, "Would you like a cigar ?" The man said,
"Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years." So, the woman
unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then,
she said, "Would you like a drink ?" The man said,
"Lady, I ain't drank in ten years." So, she unzipped the
right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, "Would
you like to play around ?" The man said with astonishment...
"You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there,
too?!?!"

One day Little Timmy comes home
from school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to
say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all!
The teacher said I did really good!" "Well that's great,
son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!" So
the next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is
very excited "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at
school we had to name all of the colors in class and I got them all
right! The teacher said I did very good!" And his father
replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!"
The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in
yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were
in the shower and I had the biggest penis! I was very happy!"
"Well son," his father replied "that's because YOUR
18!"