Friday, April 17, 2015

Oh Boy! (or Girl!)

I wrote this Wednesday night before our big ultrasound appointment. Since then we've seen our precious, perfect babe. (And learned the gender.) We couldn't be more thrilled and thankful to "meet" our healthy (and big!) baby. Looking forward to sharing more soon!

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Tomorrow is the day...the day we finally get to see this baby! Well...technically we get to see it again, but the first time it was just a little bean, and I couldn't tell its head from its tail. (I'm the worst at deciphering ultrasounds...it could have literally had a tail and I wouldn't know).

And as much as I'm of course just hoping for a healthy baby with all the right pieces and parts, in all the right places, working the right way, and measuring the right size...I'm also really pumped to find out the gender. Again, that pales in comparison to confirming that this squirmy little bean I've been feeling is doing ok in there, but c'mon...finding out the gender is pretty much the thing we've been waiting for since the minute I saw that plus sign on a stick.

We've been waiting for this day for months, and it feels a little like Christmas Eve. Waiting and waiting, feeling like it'll never come, and then all of a sudden, it's here! I feel like I can barely sleep tonight, I'm so anxious and excited. I told Dustin I felt like I had to write tonight, because this is my last chance to record the "before". Tomorrow will forever be the "after". This is our last day with our mystery baby, tomorrow the he or she will be known, and become real.

And as excited as I am to finally know a little bit more about this little person who is joining our family, I'm also a little scared. The question everyone has been asking us since we announced this pregnancy, is "Are you going to find out the gender?" Well, that and: "Do you have any idea what it is?" "Does it feel different than the girls?" "Do you both want a boy?"
And our answers:

Yes, we're going to find out.
No, we have no clue what it is.
It feels pretty much the same as the girls, which also felt pretty different from each other, and actually I don't really remember, so...see answer #2: we have no clue.

And as for that last one...do we want a boy?

Ugh. I just don't know. Above all, truly truly, I just want this baby to know that it is wanted regardless of any detail about it, including the sex. We weren't trying for a boy (or a girl). We're not having another baby hoping to finally "get our boy" like people sometimes seem to assume. We just wanted another baby...another child. When people ask if we have a preference, I officially say no, because that's the right thing to say, but also because I think I mean it. With Piper...we wanted a boy. That might sound horrible to say, but it's just the vision that we had. We were a little disappointed when we found out we were having a girl, but we both came around quickly and began to love the idea (and of course when we actually welcomed our sweet girl, there wasn't another thought about it...She was, and is, the perfect thing.) With Fin, I desperatelywanted a girl. I so badly wanted a sister for my daughter, and was worried this time around I'd get a boy and have the opposite adjustment to make in my mind. (but I fished my wish! Yay for girls, yay for Fin!) But this time, I'm feeling conflicted...and therefore, kinda neutral. If we have another girl, it'd be awesome! We already have everything we need, our girls would be thrilled, The Bowden Sisters legacy would grow... But if we have a boy, it'd be awesome! We'd have a whole new experience, and Dustin wouldn't feel quite so outnumbered.

But on the flip side of the coin, I'm actually kind of scared that it's a girl. And scared that it's a boy. If it's a girl, I worry that I will be a little disappointed...maybe I subconsciously do want a boy. And I definitely worry that Dustin will be disappointed. You've never met a man who loves his daughters more than he does, but still, it's just innate for men to want to raise a son, isn't it? I know he'd adore a(nother) girl, but a little part of me still fears that he'd be a little bummed to not get a little taste of "the blue life".

And if it's a boy? Well that's scary too. I don't know a thing about raising boys. (though it's not like I've really figured out this whole girl thing, so maybe that should be comforting?) I don't have any boy things, I don't know how to change boy diapers...I'm just not a boy mom.

So do we have a preference? Well...I guess not, and yet I still know that no matter what, it's going to be a bit of an adjustment in my brain and my heart. The announcement of It's a ____! will be surreal either way, and knowing Dustin and I (the way I do...) we'll do a ton of shocked staring at each other, repeating, "Can you believe it?"

Ooooh, boy (OR GIRL!)...I just can't wait.

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2 comments
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I know exactly how you feel! I'm 13 weeks with #3 and we have 2 girls, too. I'm almost kind of worried that this baby is a boy, because like you said, I'm not a boy mom! Girls, gotcha. Pink, bows, dresses, pretty shoes, baby dolls...let's do this. But part of me is curious what it's like to have a boy. And I know my husband wants a boy, too. It almost makes me want to wait to find out. Almost. ;) I'm too much of a planner! Can't wait to hear what you're having! (Other than a baby, of course. ;))

I’m Courtney- a loud-talking, big-dreaming kind of a girl with a creative streak I can't turn off, a wholly imperfect love for Jesus, and an overwhelming passion for authenticity. I'm superpumped you're here.