Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April 1

Well, I know all the real blogs are doing elaborate April Fool's gags, but I'm going to save that for next year. Still, I want to entertain, so today we're doing do an MST3k-style commentary track for the Korean dinosaur movie Tarbosaurus aka Speckles The Tarbosaurus.

Thanks to the fascists on Youtube, the old timestamps I found are completely useless, so I'm afraid you'll have to the do the work for yourself.

There's the links:

http://vimeo.com/58128114

http://vimeo.com/58132302

And here's the commentary!

I hate the narrator already

Naked tyrannosaur but it’s still cute

That’s a real reach-Your face was covered in mucus. Should
have been called “Mucus the Tarbosaurus”

Speckles? Really? It’s like discovering an Azdarchid and
naming it Fluttershy

Korea is beautiful, but the CG is hideous

I’m assuming those are Pukyongosaurus. Nice to see some
obscure species for once

I hate this narrator even more

What’s with the crocodile-style skin?

There’s something off about those eyes

I’m rooting for the Charonosaurus. At
least they don’t have a shrill voiceover

They don’t even need dialogue. Hell, this isn’t even dialogue. They’re
not even talking to each other. It’s one person in the booth at a time

This is basically the same sequence from When Dinosaurs Roamed America
and Dinosaur Planet.

Nice to see that each Tarbosaur looks slightly different. Looks like
the baddie is a red one

NO IT ISN’T! REPENOMAMUS IS THE PREHISTORIC POSSUM BADGER! IT’S A TOTAL
BADASS! IT SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN FILM! AAAAAAGH!

Oh shut up

Naked Therizinosaurus. Well, it looks like they’re refusing
to put feathers on ANYONE

One wonky looking Therizinosaur. I mean, they’re pretty
weird looking as it is, but this depiction is even weirder

The whole family runs?!It’s like a pride of lions running
away from a single buffalo

That Tyrannosaurus is in the WRONG DAMN CONTINENT

No, it’s not an Ankylosaurus. Unless it got lost and crossed
continents with the Tyrannosaurus in hot pursuit

Oh come on! Tyrannosaurs were smart for their size, but not
THAT smart. I guess outside of Land Before Time, TYRANNOSAURS drop rocks on
YOU!

Even Tsintaosaurus looked weirder than usual

LEEEEEEROY! JEEEEEEEEEEENKIIIINS!

Cue Zulu choir

Was that a Torosaurus? In Mongolia? Have we entered the
bizarre world of Disney’s Dinosaur where Brachiosaurus, Iguanodon, and
Carnotaurus all hung around with Late Cretaceous American animals?

Cue the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, that’s just implausible.

Again, cue NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I mean, was this actually the plan of the T.rex? Was it
hunting or did it deliberately cause a stampede? Did he use Velociraptor
henchmen? Did he sing “Be Prepared” the previous day? If you’re going to
anthropomorphize them that much, give them personalities and their own voices!

“Long live the Queen”
And the T.rex choke-slams the mom off a cliff. Not sure if that’s physically
possible

Mufasa doesn’t die until 38 minutes into the Lion King.Littlefoot’s mom’s death scene is 3 minutes
long. We’re only 20 minutes in and it takes about 2 minutes to wipe out the
whole family. This is, well, rushed. It’s hard to feel empathy for any of the
characters if they don’t talk and we only have one scene of the family

And then it eats the kid. What? That’s what most predators
do. Scar tried to do that

Oh my god! An actual feathered dinosaur! *cue heavenly
choir*

Yeah, how dare you not confront the mature adult
Tyrannosaurus who could have eaten you like a Hershey’s Kiss!

And the Velociraptors have been shaved except for their
mohawks! They’re punk dromeosaurs!

What kind of pterosaurs are they, anyway? They look like
mutant naked Azdarchids, but I don’t know of any in the region. And would it be
nyctosaurs by the ocean anyway?

Okay, the pterosaur’s reveal was funny

Must be nearsighted to have missed the chick

Especially since Hypsilophodon went extinct about 30 million
years earlier. This is reminding me of a book I had as a kid featuring a
Deinonychus running down a psittacosaurus. Let me do some quick searching…ah. Haya lived in China, but about 10 million years
before.

Well, that scene went
nowhere

Because Tarbosaurs
smiled a lot

Well, that was
convenient

Hans Zimmer should Sue-I mean sue

This is a lateral move as narration goes

Torosaurus is too cool for this moive

What, BOTH horns at once? Man, that has to suck. This is
such a ripoff of the scene in Walking With

Dinosaurs

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He got his claws stuck in a tree! That’s so
ludicrous!

Another problem-is this a documentary or a narrative? We
didn’t get briefs on the Serengeti from Simba

This has been another pointless moment

Oh come on! Is that Tyrannosaur just magnetically attracted
to Speckles?

About Me

Hi everyone! You may know me already, but 99% of you won't. I've decided to make a blog for myself. I'm a anthropology student who has returned to his original passion for palaeontology. Ever since I was little, I've been fascinated with the weird and wonderful animals that have inhabited our planet and I've made this blog to keep this in my mind and hopefully in yours. Most people blog about their interests, and while I've got a range of interests-see history and anthropology above, not to mention zoology, astronomy, art, cooking, science fiction and fantasy films and literature, and a myriad of others, the one I want to do for a living is the study of Earth's ancient past.

On this blog I'll review papers, talk about fossils, museums, and taxa, review art, film, literature, and our culture's view of paleontology, and share memories and insights. I've been inspired by the far better blogs of professional palaeontologists, and I'll share them as time goes on. I'm also open to requests and questions of opinions, the latest palaeo news, and discussions with other fans informal and professional.

I think this is going to have fun, and I'm hoping my readers will have just as much fun.

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