I never thought I would ever do it. What’s the point of getting physical with someone when you know it isn’t going anywhere? Why waste time lusting over someone who frankly, doesn’t want a relationship?

But of course, I fell down the rabbit hole and tried to do casual dating. I tried my hardest. I really did.

I tried to follow all of the rules that Cosmo told me I should do. I tried not to double text back. I tried not to drunk text or drunk call them. I tried to not stare at them in class, picturing them finally professing their love to me. I tried, and failed worse than the grade I got on my shakespeare midterm.

I wish I could be cool. I wish I could act like ‘casual’ was in my bones, and that I had no feelings whatsoever.

But why the hell would I want to be a robot?

So I stopped following the rules. And I decided to be me. I told the boy from my English class that I thought he was cute. We held hands in December and kissed under the moonlight. I thought to myself, in your face Cosmo, this is actually working.

Boy was I wrong.

The thing you need to know about casual relationships is that you can’t force anyone to feel something they don’t. You can’t force anyone into a relationship when they clearly don’t want to be in one.

So while I was thinking of ways to win them over and ways for them to ask me out again, they were moving onto other people. And while I was daydreaming about kissing these boys again, they were probably taking other girls home with them that very second.

And it’s not their fault. It’s not their fault I fell for them. It’s not their fault I wanted a relationship when they told me from the start that they didn’t want to be serious. I guess I was naive to think I could change their mind. I was ignorant to think that I could be the one to masterfully change the course of ‘casual’ dating.

My double texting didn’t win them over. My jokes didn’t change their mind. And no matter how good I looked, they weren’t going to date me. And you have to be strong enough to accept that.

I think casual relationships can work for some people. Some people can find pleasure and fun out of it. But, it’s not for me. I refuse to be the one tossed aside for other people to have their cake and eat it too. I refuse to be on the sidelines.

The heartache wasn’t worth it. The waiting game wasn’t worth it. None of it was.

So, the next time you are thinking about casual relationships, think twice. Don’t be like me and think that you can win them over. Don’t think that you could ever change someone’s mind when they tell you what they want from the start.

Just learn to walk away if they aren’t going to give you what you need. And learn that not everyone in this world will love you.

You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower