Relationships, Career, Weird Tangents… so basically Everything

Needing to stop my nervous pattern of failure aka Integrity Ninja

So at work I missed an email from a client. Then he followed up yesterday and I missed that too. Ok, I didn’t miss them. I saw them, I read them and got nervous. They were about something I couldn’t do and I feel bad about not being able to do it yet and I had to ask my coworker for help.

The coworker was out the day it came in and I conveniently forgot to follow up, allowing a rush of work to distract me. If I can’t be honest on an anonymous blog, where can I? That’s what really happened.

So I finally reached out to the client but it was too late. He got what he needed from someone else at my company.

On its own, it’s not awful. But I’ve been noticing I’ve had to apologize regularly lately. If my boss notices, it won’t be good. If not now then at my next review.

And to be honest, this is a repetitive thing in my career. I’ll get a task, get nervous by it, my mind worries, I get confused and caught up, I procrastinate, I get distracted, things don’t get done, at some point it gets noticed or someone will definitely notice so I finally act on it and have to make some kind of apology.

The way my coworkers see me is probably NOT busy or even overwhelmed or anxious… they probably just think I’m irresponsible.

That… fucking… sucks.

Yes, I realize that those are not characteristics of a good employee. When things are easy, I’m great. When things get difficult, or seem difficult anyway… I’ll get nervous, confused, will panic, shut down, then apologize and have to catch up.

This is NOT how a successful person operates. I’m not proud of this.

Truth be told, this is how I’ve always operated, since I was a kid. The typical procrastination thing. Which means I haven’t really grown up.

That sucks.

Why do I do it? Whether it’s out of laziness, or lack of confidence/ worth, or low self esteem, or that’s the example I picked up from my parents, or whatever, it doesn’t matter.

It’s time to put my Man Pants on.

I’m not writing this to beat myself up. I’m writing this to make a change.

I’m done with that behavior. I AM going to put that aside, and let something great take its place. I AM going to succeed in life. There are many things I need to improve on, this is one of them that I will.

Pride is vital and I need some. People will say that pride comes first to do great things, and some may say that I need great things to be proud of. It’s probably both.

I’m going to up my level of integrity. There are always levels above current levels but one just has to own up to what’s so. And I’m doing that. That’s what’s so.

Every day is a new opportunity to be better, and I’m going to take that opportunity. I’m going to start with a list of all the things I need to catch up on, and bang them out until I’m done.

Integrity Ninja. I know it sounds corny but I need a term to associate with it to help remind me.