Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take
one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The
second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended
to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of
Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first
convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The
third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other
two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skating...."

[4]
a very good way to promote civilization -- if you get a good wife you
will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher
{Socrates}

[5] a process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best - and pay later;

[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

[7] a word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity;

[8] a ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;

[9] something that changes the demeanour of a driver -- there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;

[10] the only permanent cure for love;

[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;

[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;

[13] something which is called a feast -- unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;

[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;

[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;

[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;

[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;

[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;

[19] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;

[20]
a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition
until death do them part

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of sh*t… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the Linkrest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whiskey being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” - She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like f*cking a giraffe.

“I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic bl*w-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some
bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and
see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The
young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native
American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30
years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail
with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills,
and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native
American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for
today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their
fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for
murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for
admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This
goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and
says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.”

The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Alright then… I’m in for f*cking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted!

They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!”

To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

A young man who was an avid golfer found
himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had
to head home.

Just as he
was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked
if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he
allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played
fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along
consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached
the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There
was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his
ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the
shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit
the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before
him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the
top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and
said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three
feet tall."

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of
coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a
booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in
and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg
over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my
wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious
to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message
a few days before his ship was due back in port: “I have missed you so
much and I can’t wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to
the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do “it” as soon as I step ashore.”

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a
reply: “I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had
better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking
I.D. cards.”

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best
fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each
litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that
were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were
opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over
towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s
cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the
Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up
to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand
how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five
years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and
the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to
have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial
young man.

So every morning before he woke up, one of them would
defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted
this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and
go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game;
it wasn’t very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were
beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize
to him and promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, “You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.”

Martin goes to the church and meets the priest. The priest asks about Martin’s welfare and Martin says: “Father, I am all confused and scared.”

Father: “Why Martin, what’s going on?”

Martin: “My wife is trying to kill me. She is giving me poison.”

Father:
“That can’t be true. You are imagining things Martin. However, if it
gives you any solace, I will talk to your wife and I am sure we will
find out the truth. Together we will come out of it. Come to me on next
Sunday after sermon.”

Came Sunday and Martin went to see the Father.

Father: “Well now Martin, I spoke to your wife at length on two occasions for more than five hours. You want to hear my conclusion?”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached,
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly
feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as
often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her
problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight
out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter
asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking,
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a
particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in
the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the
woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye
she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure,
she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both
saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her
husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some
movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic
hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a
little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I
suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he
said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several
moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they
saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’re turned on by a woman who can change a Hummer tire.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you drive around a mall parking lot for fun.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you still duct tape your gloves on.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think that the Marlboro Man is sexy.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you would really walk a mile just to get a Camel cigarette.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you raised the Confederate Flag in
the bed of your USMC Attack Hummer whenever you would go into battle.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your whole family back home couldn’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to your USMC Oshkosh Truck as if it had a legal first name.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever been given a gun as a present.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if flannel is your second favorite color next to Marine cammies.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the make, year, and color of your USMC Hummer are obscured by a layer of mud.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you collect bumper stickers for a hobby.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife has ever taken two pairs
of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red
clay between the house and the pick’em up truck, and the other pair to
wear at the funeral.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if there has ever been any gun parts,
magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your momma and sister frequently bath with the Hogs.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever had to get up quickly
in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins
on the kitchen floor.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if back home your father would walk the cock like a dog.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if any of your children learned to make realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you had on several occasions to stop
a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had to chase the water
moccasins out of your boat while you are illegally gator hunting at
night.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you are still paying for your wife’s
last hair care professional appointment in weekly installments.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever removed the zoom scope
from your deer rifle so you could voyeur the 12 year old girl next
door.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your pick’em up truck.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had sex on numerous
occasions in the back of your USMC Hummer, species yet unidentified.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if more than one of your relatives have been arrested for having sex with farm animals.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have served more time in the Marine Corp Brig than in active service.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you tried to shove a pugil-stick up your opponents ass.

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been arrested by the MP’s for spying in the Marine Women’s Shower.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat on the train and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. . . . .
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. . . . .
No, honey, not with that blonde from accounting. With the boss. . . . .
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. . . . .
Yes, I'm sure . . . . cross my heart . . . . "

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next to him had had enough, so she leaned over and said into the
phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie,
out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful
day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says,
“Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on
Marie’s lips.

“What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have
red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat
up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?”,
asks the bewildered Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have
white meat, I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate
interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”
Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then
strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the
river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the
desert..He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The
corporal smiled wisely and said, “You’ll see.” The young man was
puzzled. “Well, you’ve got more than a hundred men on this base and I
don’t see a single woman.”
“You’ll see,” the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a
signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began
to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and
grabbed his arm.
I see what you mean, but I don’t understand,” he said. “There must be
three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why is
everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?”
“What?‚ exclaimed the corporal, startled. “And get stuck with an ugly one?”

Five cannibals get jobs as contractors at an air base.
During their orientation, the First Sergeant says, “You’re all part
of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the
chow hall for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other
personnel”.
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the First Sergeant returns and says,
“You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our Airmen has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to him?”
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the First Sergeant has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the Airman?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
replies, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Lieutenants,
Captains and Majors and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and
eat an Airman!”

1. Thou shalt not write in ink in thy address book.
2. Thou shalt not covet choice assignments of other uniformed branches of serivce.
3. Love thy neighbor.
4. Honor thy Commissary and Exchange as long as they both shall live.
5. Thou shalt not ridiclue a local politician, for mighty senators from local politicians grow.
6. Thou shalt look for the best in each assignment,
though the best might be “Most childhood diseases in one year”, or
“Record snow in one months time.”
7. Thou shalt remember all thy friends on all thy assignments with a
Christmas Card, for thou never knowest when thou may wish to spendeth a
night with them while enroute to a new post/base.
8. Be kind and gentle to retired, white haired Exchange and Commissary customers, because thou too will be a retiree someday.
9. Thou shalt not curse thy husband when he’s on TDY on moving day.
10. Thou must never arrive at a new post/base and constantly brag about how much better everything was at the last post/base

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson
says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have
someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes
and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be
married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire.
While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in
the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what
to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he
could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital
around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the
patient if there was any garage around.

The patient said: “No, it
is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt
each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and
drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need
there.”

The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have
thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely
if he was really mad.

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter
had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat
for her to
spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise,
I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun.
Although
usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I
introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your
p*nis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it. "

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new p*nis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many
inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your
wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she
might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide
to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, did you speak to your wife?"

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach
for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as
good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is
wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to
wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to
climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They
begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

A
man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no
matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves org@sm
so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens
to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire
a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the
young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make
sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you
both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown org@sm."

They
go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both
as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied
and frustrated.

Perplexed,
they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "Let's try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over
them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets
into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand
really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has a room-shaking,
screaming, org@sm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps
the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW
THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, son!!"

A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the
driver and complains about being molested. The driver wonders who would
want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down.

Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit.

A
third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate.
He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what
he's doing.

The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing
to do
with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I
loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to
bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere
else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
two motor bikes still parked out the front.
He goes round the back of
the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!"
The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

I was driving down the interstate in a rural area when a chicken passed
me doing 65 mph. I sped up and passed the chicken. A few minutes later,
the
same bird passed me again; this time he was doing 75 mph. Startled, I
floored the accelerator, got my car up to 85, and blew by the bird, for
good I
thought. But sure enough, five minutes later he went by me again. This
time he passed me at 95 mph and made a right turn off the freeway onto a
farm
next to the interstate.

I immediately exited and drove up to the farmhouse and knocked on the
door. When the farmer opened the door, I told the farmer of my
experience with
his speedy poultry and he told me, "Oh, that must be one of my
three-legged chickens!"

I asked, "How did you end up with three-legged chickens?"

He responded, "I have nine children. They all love drumsticks, so I bred three-legged chickens to keep my kids satisfied."

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

There was this small church down in
Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her bre@sts were so huge that
they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she
distracted the congregation considerably.

The
very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So,
one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her bre@sts and
maybe they would shrink
in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green
persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he
approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please
cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was
any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United
States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are,
but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of
imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came
into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his
putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With
that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another
time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet
and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With
that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can
you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the
United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and
finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't
think of a single thing I can do."

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the
local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over
his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after
paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the
sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite
his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in
an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds
down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over.
He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the
fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer,
he sees the officer is writing him a summons!

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The
bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks
him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As
he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him
why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.

So
the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

Archie, a successful business man
becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After
a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So
they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to
write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then
Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and
we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "Ihad to force him, but he ate it!"

"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog."

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"

"If
I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or,
if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or
if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would
you, eh? Would you?"

The assistant replied, "Well...er.... no".

"And
if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was
American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.

Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence
indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at
his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the
previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore
put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money.
But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the
bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next
week, I promise."

"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"

"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.

"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.

"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.

"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." repliedDan.

A little girl called Jill was standing on the sidewalk in front of her
home in Washington. There was a basket lying next to her containing a
number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE PUPS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of one of the cars stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Pups," little Jill replied.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Jill replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of pups are they?"

"Democrats," answered Jill with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the pups.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president
should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have
the girl talk about her discerning pups.

So the next day, Jill was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket
of "FREE PUPS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by
vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jill.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of pups you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Jill said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Jill smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Three. One to report it as an inspired government program
to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a
Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb
assassin to break the bulb in the first place.