Friday, April 1, 2011

Who the hell are you people?

I'm here to do three things: make a statement, ask a question, and eat jujubes. And I'm all out of jujubes.

I'm pretty sure I screwed up that one-liner...although upon closer inspection, it was actually a two-liner anyway. Someone get John Carpenter on the phone, he has some explaining to do.

In any case, the first order of business is to make sure everyone knows that our next show will be taping April 30th, and I'm so excited about it that I'm going to medicate myself into a four week-long coma just so I can sleep through the wait time. Updates may be sporadic.

But enough about us, let's talk about you. Yes, you. I have a question for our readers, viewers, and ostensible supporters:

Just who in the hell are you people anyway?

No, really, WHO are you? Here you are, reading my words, watching our show, from which you can extrapolate all sorts of things about us. But we don't know a thing about you. You're anonymous, like the voice on the other end of the line in a horror movie. Except when that voice is Matthew Lillard, then it's really, really obvious.

But wait, on second thought, I actually have reams of information about all of you! That's right, welcome to the internet, please allow me to direct your attention to this graphic:

So, according to this, 89% of you are Americans. Whoo, go USA! But we have friends abroad too (and I'm not just talking about you, Moammar; you hang in there buddy); we have hits recorded from Russia, Canada, the UK, Ireland (hi Stephen!), and...Malaysia? The hell?

Who do we know in Malaysia? Seriously, there's a lot of Malaysian traffic here. More than the UK, Germany, China, and India combined. If this were the Olympics, Malaysia would be our Bronze Medalist (well, Russia is actually in third, but I assume they paid off the judges). Not that we're complaining mind you. We salute our anomalously large Malaysian following, howsoever one appropriately salutes in that part of the world.

I also see that half of you are Firefox users, but six percent of you are reading this via Chrome. You poor, brave, crazy sons of bitches. Four percent of you are using Linux, but from what I've seen of hardcore Linux users, it wouldn't surprise me if this was just one guy with 77 simultaneously running systems.

The biggest attraction here on the blog concerned our team-up with Berkeley Raw, but the second most viewed update is STILL me calling David Blatter a witch. That guy must fucking love me by now. Seriously Dave, come back sometime, you were awesome.

Our second most popular video of all time is Dan interviewing "Alan Wake" star Ilkka Villi, although I would assume that many of these hits come from people who are imprisoned in the dark dimension where only Wake-related media can cross the threshold into their realm, which understandably limits their YouTube consumption.

But our most popular video by far is still Todd Shipley's musical performance. Yeah, you guys really, really love Todd, he's got twice as many views as Ilkka and almost three times as many as anyone else. Seriously, what's the deal? Aren't the rest of us good enough for you, or does it have to be all Todd, all the time?

I mean, sure, so maybe none of the rest of us have that velvety twang to their voice, and maybe we can't do things with a guitar that make it safe to assume that butter wouldn't melt on our fingers, and granted, none of us look half that manly in the red checked flannel, and sure, when he smiles his eyes crinkle up like that and you just kind of...get...a little, um, light headed and...yeah....