The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether.

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By Edgar A. Poe.

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During the autumn of 18—, while on a tour through the extreme Southern provinces of France, my route led me
within a few miles of a certain Maison de Santé, or private Mad-House [[mad-house]], about which I had heard much, in
Paris, from my medical friends. As I had never visited a place of the kind, I thought the opportunity too good to be lost; and so
proposed to my travelling companion (a gentleman with whom I had made casual acquaintance, a few days before) that we should turn aside,
for an hour or so, and look through the establishment. To this he objected; pleading haste, in the first place, and, in the second, a
very usual horror at the sight of a lunatic. He begged me, however, not to let any mere courtesy toward himself, interfere with the
gratification of my curiosity, and said that he would ride on leisurely, so that I might overtake him during the day, or, at all events,
during the next. As he bade me good-bye, I bethought me that there might be some difficulty in obtaining access to the premises, and
mentioned my fears on this point. He replied that, in fact, unless I had personal knowledge of the superintendent, Monsieur Maillard, or
some credential in the way of a letter, a difficulty might be found to exist, as the regulations of these private mad-houses were more
rigid than the public hospital laws. For himself, he added, he had, some years since, made the acquaintance of Maillard, and would so
far assist me as to ride up to the door and introduce me, although his feelings on the subject of lunacy would not permit of his
entering the house.

I thanked him, and, turning from the main-road, we entered a grass-grown by-path, which, in half an hour, nearly lost
itself in a dense forest, clothing the base of a mountain. Through this dank and gloomy wood we rode some two miles, when the Maison
deSanté came in view. It was a fantastic château, much dilapidated, and indeed scarcely tenantable through age
and neglect. Its aspect inspired me with absolute dread, and, checking my horse, I half resolved to turn back. I soon, however, grew
ashamed of my weakness and proceeded.

As we rode up to the gateway, I perceived it slightly open, and the visage of a man peering through. In an instant
afterwards this man came forth, accosted my companion by name, shook him cordially by the hand, and begged him to alight. It was
Monsieur Maillard himself. He was a portly, fine-looking gentleman of the old school, with a polished manner, and a certain air of
gravity, dignity, and authority which was very impressive.

My friend, having presented me, mentioned my desire to inspect the establishment, and received Monsieur
Maillard’s assurance that he would show me all attention, now took leave, and I saw him no more.

When he had gone, the superintendent ushered me into a small & exceedingly neat parlor, containing, among
other indications of refined taste, many books, drawings, pots of flowers and musical instruments. A cheerful fire blazed upon the
hearth. At a piano, singing an aria from Bellini, sat a young and very beautiful woman, who, at my entrance, paused in her song, and
received me with graceful courtesy. Her voice was low and her whole manner subdued. I thought, too, that I perceived the traces of
sorrow in her countenance, which was excessively, although, to my taste, not unpleasingly pale. She was attired in deep mourning, and
excited in my bosom a feeling of mingled respect, interest, and admiration.

I had heard, at Paris, that the institution of Monsieur Maillard was managed upon what is vulgarly termed the
“system of soothing” — that all punishments were avoided — that even confinement was seldom resorted to —
that the patients, while secretly watched, were left much apparent liberty, and that most of them were permitted [segment?:] to
roam about the house and grounds, in the ordinary apparel of persons in right mind.

Keeping these impressions in view, I was cautious in what I said before the young lady; for I could not be sure that
she was sane; and, in fact, there was a certain restless brilliancy about her eyes which half led me to imagine she was not. I confined
my remarks, therefore, to general topics, and to such as I thought would not be displeasing or exciting even to a lunatic. She replied
in a perfectly rational manner to all that I said; and even her original observations were marked with the soundest good sense; but a
long acquaintance with the metaphysics of mania, had taught me to put no faith in such evidence of sanity, and I continued to
practice, throughout the interview, the caution with which I commenced it.

Presently a smart footman in livery brought in a tray with fruit, wine, and other refreshments, of which I partook, the
lady soon afterwards leaving the room. As she departed I turned my eyes, in an inquiring manner, toward my host.

“No”, he said — “oh no; — a member of my family — my niece, and a most accomplished
woman.”

“I beg a thousand pardons for the suspicion”, I replied, “but of course you will know how to excuse
me. The excellent administration of your affairs here, is well understood in Paris, and I thought it just possible, you know”
——

“Yes, yes — say no more — or rather it is myself who should thank you for the commendable prudence
you have displayed. We seldom find so much of forethought in young men; and, more than once, some unhappy contre-temps has
occurred in consequence of thoughtlessness on the part of our visitors. While my former system was in operation, and my patients were
permitted the privilege of roaming to and fro at will, they were often aroused to a dangerous phrenzy by injudicious persons who
called to inspect the house. Hence I was obliged to enforce a rigid system of exclusion; and none obtained access to the premises upon
whose discretion I could not rely.”

“While your former system was in operation!”, I said, repeating his words; “do I understand
you, then, to say that the “[[’]]soothing system”[[’]] of which I have heard so much, is no longer in
force?”

“It is now,” he replied, “several weeks since we have concluded to renounce it forever.”

“Indeed! you astonish me!”

“We found it, Sir,” he said with a sigh, “absolutely necessary to return to the old usages. The
danger of the soothing system was, at all times, appalling; and its advantages have been much over-rated. I believe, Sir, that
in this house it has been given a fair trial, if ever in any. We did everything that rational humanity could suggest. I am sorry that
you could not have paid us a visit, at an earlier period, that you might have judged for yourself. But I presume you are conversant with
the soothing practice — with its details.”

“Not altogether. What I have heard has been at third or fourth hand.”

“I may state the system then, in general terms, as one in which the patients were menagés
[[ménagés]], humored. We contradicted no fancies which entered the brains of the mad. On the contrary, we not only
indulged but encouraged them; and many of our most permanent cures have been thus effected. There is no argument which so touches the
feeble reason of the madman as the argumentum ad absurdum. We have had men, for example, who fancied themselves chickens. The
cure was, to insist upon the thing as a fact — to accuse the patient of stupidity in not sufficiently perceiving it to be a fact
— and thus to refuse him any other diet for a week than that which properly appertains to a chicken. In this manner a little corn
and gravel were made to perform wonders.”

“But was this species of acquiescence all?”

“By no means; we put much faith in amusements of a simple kind, such as music, dancing, gymnastic exercises
generally, cards, certain classes of books, and so forth. We affected to treat each individual as if for some ordinary physical
disorder; and the word “[[’]]lunacy”[[’]] was never employed. A great point was to set each lunatic to guard the
actions of all the others. To repose confidence in the understanding, or discretion of a madman, is to gain him body and soul. In this
way we were enabled to dispense with an expensive body of keepers.”

“And you had no punishments of any kind?”

“None.”

“And you never confined your patients?”

“Very rarely; now and then, the malady of some individual growing to a crisis, or taking a sudden turn of fury,
we conveyed him to a secret cell, lest his disorder should infect the rest, and there kept him until we could dismiss him to his
friends; for with the raging maniac [segment?:] we have nothing to do. He is usually removed to the public hospitals.”

“And you have now changed all this? and you think for the better?”

“Decidedly; the system had its disadvantages, and even its dangers. It is now, happily, exploded throughout all
the maisons de santé of France.”

“I am very much surprised”, I said, “at what you tell me; for I made sure that, at this moment, no
other method of treatment for mania existed in any portion of the country.”

“You are young yet, my friend,” replied my host, “but the time will arrive when you will learn to
judge for yourself of what is going on in the world, without trusting to the gossip of others. Believe nothing you hear and only one
half that you see. Now, about our maisons de santé, it is clear that some ignoramus has misled you. After dinner, however,
when you have sufficiently recovered from the fatigue of your ride, I will be happy to take you over the house, and introduce to you a
system which, in my opinion, and in that of every one who has witnessed its operation, is incomparably the most effectual as yet
devised.”

“Your own?” I inquired — “one of your own invention?”

“I am proud,” he replied, “to acknowledge that it is — at least in some measure.”

In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an hour or two, during which he showed me the gardens and
conservatories of the place. “I cannot let you see my patients,” he said, “just at present. To a sensitive mind there
is always more or less of the shocking in such exhibitions; and I do not wish to spoil your appetite for dinner. We will dine — I
can give you some veal à la St. Menehoult, with cauliflowers in velouté sauce — after that a glass of
Clos de Vougeôt — then your nerves will be sufficiently steadied.”

At six, dinner was announced; and my host conducted me into a large salle à manger, where a very numerous
company were assembled — twenty-five or thirty in all. They were, apparently, people of rank, certainly of high breeding; although
their habiliments, I thought, were extravagantly rich — partaking somewhat too much of the ostentatious finery of the
vielle [[vieille]]cour. I noticed that at least two-thirds of these guests were ladies; and some of the latter
were by no means accoutred in what a Parisian would consider good taste, at the present day. Many females, for example, whose age could
not have been less than seventy, were bedecked with a profusion of jewelry, such as rings, bracelets and ear-rings, and wore their
bosoms and arms shamefully bare. I observed, too, that very few of the dresses were well-made, or, at least, that very few of them
fitted the wearers. In looking about, I discovered the interesting girl to whom Monsieur Maillard had presented me in the little parlor;
but my surprise was great to see her wearing a hoop and farthingale, with high-heeled shoes, and a dirty cap of Brussels lace, so much
too large for her that it gave her face a ridiculously diminutive expression. When I had first seen her she was attired, most
becomingly, in deep mourning. There was an air of oddity, in short, about the dress of the whole party, which, at first, caused me to
recur to my original idea of the “soothing system”. and to fancy that Monsieur Maillard had been willing to deceive me until
after dinner, that I might experience no uncomfortable feelings during the repast, at finding myself dining with lunatics; but I
remembered having been informed, in Paris, that the southern provincialists were a peculiarly eccentric people, with a vast number of
antiquated notions; and then, too, upon conversing with several [segment?:] members of the company, my apprehensions were
immediately and fully dispelled.

The dining-room itself, although perhaps sufficiently comfortable, and of good dimensions, had nothing too much of
elegance about it. For example, the floor was uncarpeted; — in France, however, a carpet is frequently dispensed with. The
windows, too, were without curtains; the shutters, being shut, were securely fastened with iron bars, applied diagonally, after the
fashion of our ordinary shop-shutters. The apartment, I observed, formed, in itself, a wing of the chateau, and thus the windows
were on three sides of the parrallelogram [[parallelogram]]; the door being at the other. There were no less than ten windows in all.

The table was superbly set out. It was loaded with plate, and more than loaded with delicacies. The profusion was
absolutely barbaric. There were meats enough to have feasted the Anakim. Never, in all my life, had I witnessed so lavish, so wasteful
an expenditure of the good things of life. There seemed very little taste, however, in the arrangements; and my eyes, accustomed to
quiet lights, were sadly offended by the prodigious glare of a multitude of wax candles, which, in silver candelabra, were
deposited upon the table, and all about the room, wherever it was possible to find a place. There were several active servants in
attendance; and, upon a large table, at the farther end of the apartment, were seated seven or eight people with fiddles, fifes,
trombones and a drum. These fellows annoyed me very much, at intervals, during the repast, by an infinite variety of noises, which were
intended for music, and which appeared to afford much entertainment to all present, with the exception of myself.

Upon the whole, I could not help thinking that there was much of the bizarre about everything I saw; but then
the world is made up of all kinds of persons, with all modes of thought, and all sorts of conventional customs. I had travelled so much
as to be quite an adept at the nil admirari; so I took my seat very cooly [[coolly]] at the right hand of my host, and, having an
excellent appetite, did justice to the good cheer set before me.

The conversation, in the meantime, was spirited and general. The ladies, as usual, talked a great deal. I soon found
that nearly all the company were well-educated; and my host was a world of good-humoured anecdote in himself. He seemed quite willing to
speak of his position as superintendent of a maison de santé; and indeed the topic of lunacy was, much to my surprise, a
favorite one with all present. A great many amusing stories were told, having reference to the whims of the patients.

“We had a fellow here once”, said a fat little gentleman who sat at my right — “a fellow that
fancied himself a tea-pot; and, by the way, is it not especially singular how often this particular crotchet has entered the brain of
the lunatic? There is scarcely an insane asylum in France which cannot supply a human tea-pot. Our gentleman was a Britania-ware
[[Britannia-ware]] tea-pot, and was careful to polish himself every morning with buckskin and whiting.”

“And then,” said a tall man, just opposite, “we had here, not long ago, a person who had taken it
into his head that he was a donkey — which, allegorically speaking, you will say, was quite true. He was a troublesome patient;
and we had much ado to keep him within bounds. For a long time he would eat nothing but thistles; but of this idea we soon cured him by
insisting upon his eating nothing else. Then he was perpetually kicking out his heels — so — so” —

“Mr De Kock! I will thank you to behave yourself!” here interrupted an old lady who sat next to the
speaker. “Please keep your feet to yourself! You have spoilt my brocade! Is it necessary, pray, to illustrate a remark in so
practical a style? Our friend, here, can surely comprehend you, without all this. Upon my word, you are nearly as great a donkey as the
poor unfortunate imagined himself. Your acting is very natural, as I live.”

“Mille pardons! Ma’mselle,” replied Monsieur De Kock thus addressed — “a thousand
pardons! I had no intention of offending. Ma’mselle Laplace — Monsieur De Kock will do himself the honor of taking wine with
you.” — Here Monsieur De Kock bowed low, kissed his hand with much ceremony, and took wine with Ma’mselle Laplace.

“Allow me, mon ami,” now said Monsieur Maillard, addressing myself, “allow me to send you a
morsel of this veal à la St. Menehoult — you will find it particularly fine.” At this instant three sturdy
waiters had just succeeded in depositing safely upon the table, an enormous dish, or trencher, containing what I supposed to be the
“monstrum, horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum.” A closer scrutiny assured
me, however, that it was only a small calf roasted whole, and set upon its knees, with an apple in its mouth, as is the English fashion
of dressing a hare.

“Thank you no”; I replied — “to say the truth, I am not particularly partial to veal
à la St. — what is it? — for I do not find that it altogether agrees with me. I will change my plate,
however, and try some of the rabbit.” — There were several side-dishes, on the table, containing what appeared to be the
ordinary French rabbit — a very delicious morceau, which I can recommend.

“Pierre,” cried the host, “change this gentleman’s plate, and give him a side[[-]]piece of this
rabbit au-chât.”

“This what?” — said I.

“This rabbit au-chât.”

“Why, thank you; upon second thoughts, no; I will just help myself to some of the ham.” There is no knowing
what one eats, thought I to myself, at the tables of these people of the province. I will have none of their rabbit au-chât
— and, for the matter of that, none of their cat-au -rabbit either.

“And then,” said a cadaverous looking [segment?:] personage near the foot of the table, taking up
the thread of the conversation where it had been broken off — “And then, among other oddities, we had a patient, once upon a
time, who very pertinaciously maintained himself to be a Cordova cheese, and went about, with a knife in his hand, soliciting his
friends to try a small slice from the middle of his leg.”

“He was a great fool, beyond doubt”, interposed some one, “but not to be compared with a certain
individual whom we all know, with the exception of this strange gentleman. I mean the man who took himself for a bottle of champagne,
and always went off with a pop and a fizz, in this fashion” — Here the speaker, very rudely as I thought, put his right
thumb in his left cheek, withdrew it with a sound resembling the popping of a cork, and then, by a dexterous movement of the tongue upon
the teeth, created a sharp hissing and fizzing, which lasted for several minutes, in imitation of the frothing of champagne. This
behavior, I saw plainly, was not very pleasing to Monsieur Maillard; but that gentleman said nothing, and the conversation
[segment?:] was resumed by a very lean little man in a big wig.

“And then there was an ignoramus”, said he, “who mistook himself for [segment?:] a frog; which
by the way, he resembled in no little degree. I wish you could have seen him, Sir” — here the speaker addressed myself
— “it would have done your heart good to see the natural airs that he put on. Sir, if that man was not a frog, I can
only observe that it is a pity he was not. His croak thus — oooogh — oooogh! was the finest note in the world, B flat; and
when he put his elbows upon the table, thus — after taking a glass or two of wine — and distended his mouth, thus, and
rolled up his eyes, thus, and winked them, with excessive rapidity, thus, why then, Sir, I take it upon myself to say, positively, that
you would have been lost in admiration of the genius of the man.”

“I have no doubt of it”, I said.

“And then, then there was Petit Gaillard, who thought himself a pinch of snuff, and was truly distressed because
he could not take himself between his own finger and thumb.”

“And then there was Jules Desoulières, who was a very singular genius, indeed, and went mad with the idea
that he was a pumpkin. He persecuted the cook to make him up into pies — a thing which the cook indignantly refused to do. For my
part, I am by no means sure that a pumpkin pie, à la Desoulières, would not have been very capital eating
indeed.”

“You astonish me!” said I; and I looked inquisitively at Monsieur Maillard.

“Ha! ha! ha!”, said that gentleman — “he! he! he! — hi! hi! hi! — ho! ho! ho!
— hu! hu! hu! — very good indeed! You must not be astonished, mon ami; our friend here is a wit — a
drôle — you must not understand him to the letter.”

“And then,” said some other one of the party, “then there was Bouffon Le Grand — another
extraordinary personage in his way. He grew deranged through love, & fancied himself possessed of two heads. One of these he
maintained to be the head of Cicero; the other he imagined a composite one, being Demosthenes’ from the top of the forehead to the
mouth, and Lord Brougham from the mouth to the chin. It is not impossible that he was wrong; but he would have convinced you of his
being in the right; for he was a man of great eloquence. He had an absolute passion for oratory and could not refrain from display. For
example, he used to leap upon the dinner table thus, and — and” — Here a friend, at the side of the speaker, put
[segment?:] a hand upon his shoulder, and whispered a few words in his ear; upon which he ceased talking with great suddenness
and sank back within his chair.

“And then”, said the friend who had whispered, “there was Boullard, the tee-totum. I call him the
tee-totum, because, in fact, he was seized with the droll, but not altogether irrational crotchet, that he had been converted into a
tee-totum. You would have roared with laughter to see him spin. He would turn round upon one heel by the hour, in this manner — so
—” Here the friend whom he had just interrupted by a whisper, performed an exactly similar office for himself.

“But then”, cried the old lady, at the top of her voice “your Monsieur Boullard was a madman, and a
very silly madman at best; for who, allow me to ask you, ever heard of a human teetotum? The thing is absurd. Madame Joyeuse was a more
sensible person, as you know. She had a crotchet, but it was instinct with common-sense, and gave pleasure to all who had the honor of
her acquaintance. [segment?:] She found, upon mature deliberation, that, by some accident, she had been turned into a
chicken-cock; but, as such, she behaved with propriety. She flapped her wings with prodigious effect — so — so — so
— and, as for her crow, it was delicious! Cock-a-doodle-doo! — cock-a-doodle-doo! —
cock-a-doodle-de-doo-dooo-doooo-do-o-o-o-o-o-o!”

“Madame Joyeuse, I will thank you to behave yourself!” here interrupted our host, very angrily.
[[“]]You can either conduct yourself as a lady should do, or you can quit the table forthwith; take your choice.”

The lady, (whom I was much astonished to hear addressed as Madame Joyeuse, after the description of Madame Joyeuse she
had just given,) blushed up to the eye-brows, and seemed exceedingly abashed at the reproof. She hung down her head, and said not a
sylable [[syllable]] in reply. But another and younger lady resumed [segment?:] the theme. It was my beautiful girl of the little
parlor!

“Oh Madame Joyeuse was a fool,” she exclaimed; “but there was really much sound sense, after
all, in the opinion of Eugénie Salsafette. She was a very beautiful and painfully modest young lady, who thought the ordinary
mode of habiliment indecent, and wished to dress herself, always, by getting outside, instead of inside of her clothes. It is a thing
very easily done, after all. You have only to do so — and then so — so — so — and then so — so —
— so — so — and then” ——

“Mon dieu! Mam’selle Salsafette,” here cried a dozen voices at once, “what are you
about? — forbear! — that is sufficient! — we see, very plainly, how it is done! — hold! hold!” and several
persons were already leaping from their seats to withold [[withhold]] Mam’selle Salsafette from putting herself upon a par with
the Medicean Venus, when the point was very effectually and suddenly accomplished by a series of loud screams, or yells, from some
portion of the main body of the chateau.

My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells; but the rest of the company I really pitied. I never saw any
set of reasonable people so thoroughly frightened in my life. They all grew as pale [segment?:] as so many corpses, and,
shrinking within their seats, sat quivering and gibbering with terror, and listening for a repetition of the sound. It came again
— louder and seemingly nearer — and then a third time very loud, and then a fourth time with a vigor evidently
diminished. At this apparent dying away of the noise, the spirits of the company, were immediately regained; and all was life and
anecdote as before. I now ventured to inquire the cause of the disturbance.

“A mere bagatelle,” said Monsieur Maillard. “We are used to these things, and care really very
little about them. The lunatics, every now and then, get up a howl in concert; one starting another, as is sometimes the case with a
bevy of dogs [segment?:] at night. It occasionally happens, however, that the concerto yells are succeeded by a
simultaneous effort at breaking loose; when, of course, some little danger is to be apprehended.”

“And how many have you in charge?”

“At present, we have not more than ten, altogether.”

“Principally females, I presume.”

“Oh, no; every one of them men, and stout fellows, too, I can tell you.”

“Indeed! I have always understood that the majority of lunatics were of the gentler sex.”

“It is generally so, but not always. Some time ago, there were about twenty-seven patients here; and, of that
number, no less than eighteen were women; but, lately, matters have changed very much, as you [segment?:] see.”

“Yes; have changed very much, as you see,” here interrupted the gentleman who had broken the shins of
Ma’mselle Laplace.

“Yes; have changed very much, as you see,” chimed in the whole company at once.

“Hold your tongues, every one of you!” said my host, in a great rage. Whereupon the whole company
maintained a dead silence for nearly a minute. As for one lady, she obeyed Monsieur Maillard to the letter, and thrusting out her
tongue, which was an excessively long one, held it very resignedly, with both hands, until the end of the entertainment.
[segment?:]

“And this gentlewoman,” said I to Monsieur Maillard, bending over and addressing him in a whisper —
“this good lady who has just spoken, and who gives us the cock-a-doodle-de-doo — she, I presume, is — harmless —
quite harmless, eh?”

“Only slightly touched?” said I, touching my head. “I take it for granted that she is not
particularly — not dangerously affected, eh?”

“Mon dieu! what is it you imagine? This lady, my particular old friend, Madame Joyeuse, is as
absolutely sane as myself. She has her little eccentricities, to be sure; but then, you know, all old women — all very old
women are more or less eccentric.”

“To be sure,” said I — “to be sure; and then the rest of these ladies and gentlemen
—”

“Are my friends and keepers,” interupted Monsieur Maillard, drawing himself [segment?:] up with
hauteur — “my very good friends and assistants.”

“What! all of them?” I asked — “the women and all?”

“Assuredly;” he said, “we could not do at all without the women; they are the best lunatic-nurses in
the world; they have a way of their own, you know; their bright eyes have a marvellous effect; — something like the fascination of
the snake, you know.”

“To be sure”, said I, “to be sure; They behave a little odd, eh? — they are a little
queer, eh? — do n’t [[don’t]] you think so?”

“Odd! — queer! — why, do you really think so? — We are not very prudish, to be sure,
here in the South — do pretty much as we please — enjoy life, and all that sort of thing, you know” —

“To be sure”, said I, “to be sure.”

And then, perhaps, this Clos de Vougeôt is a little heady, you know — a little strong —
you understand, eh?”

“To be sure,” said I, “to be sure. By the [segment?:] bye, Monsieur, did I understand you to
say that the system you have adopted, in place of the celebrated soothing system, was one of very vigorous severity?”

“By no means; our confinement is necessarily close; but the treatment — the medical treatment, I mean
— is rather agreeable to the patients than otherwise.”

“And the new system is one of your own invention?”

“Not altogether; some portions of it are referrible [[referable]] to Professor Tarr, of whom you have,
necessarily, heard; and, again, there are modifications in my plan, which I am happy to acknowledge as belonging of right to the
celebrated Fether, with [segment?:] whom, if I mistake not, you have the honor of an intimate acquaintance.”

“I am quite ashamed to confess,” I replied, “that I have never even heard the name of either
gentleman before.”

“Good Heavens!” ejaculated my host, drawing back his chair abruptly and uplifting his hands. “I
surely do not hear you aright! you did not intend to say, eh? that you had never heard either of the learned Doctor Tarr, or of
the celebrated Professor Fether?”

“I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance”[[,]] I replied; “but the truth should be held inviolate
above all things. Nevertheless, I feel humbled to the dust, not to be acquainted with the works of these no doubt extraordinary men. I
will seek out their writings forthwith, and peruse them with deliberate care. Monsieur Maillard, you have really — I must confess
it — you have really made me ashamed of myself.” And this was the fact.

“Say no more, my good young friend”, he said kindly, pressing my hand — “join me now in a glass
of Sauterne.”

We drank; the company followed our example, without stint; they chatted; they jested; they laughed; they perpetrated a
thousand absurdities; the fiddles shrieked[[;]] the drum row-de-dowed; the trombones bellowed like so many brazen bulls of Phalaris; and
the whole scene, growing gradually worse and worse, as the wines gained the ascendancy, became at length a sort of Pandemonium in
petto. In the meantime Monsieur Maillard and myself, with some bottles of Sauterne and Vougeôt between us, continued our
conversation at the top of the voice. A word spoken in an ordinary key stood no more chance of being heard than the voice of a fish from
the bottom of Niagra Falls.

“And Sir,” said I, screaming in his ear, “you mentioned something, before dinner, about the danger
incurred in the old system of soothing. How is that?” [segment?:]

“Yes”, he replied, “there was, occasionally, very great danger, indeed. There is no accounting for
the caprices of madmen; and, in my opinion, as well as in that of Doctor Tarr and of Professor Fether, it is never safe to permit
them to run at large unattended. A lunatic may be “[[’]]soothed,”[[’]] as it is called, for a time, but, in the
end, he is very apt to become obstreperous. His cunning, too, is proverbial, and great. If he has a project in view, he conceals his
design with a marvellous wisdom; and the dexterity with which he counterfeits sanity, presents, to the metaphysician, one of the most
singular problems in the study of mind. When a madman appears thoroughly sane, indeed, it is high time to put him in a straight
jacket.”

“But the danger, my dear Sir, of which you were speaking: “[[sic]] in your own experience
— during your control of this house — have you had practical reason to think liberty hazardous, in the case of a
lunatic?”

“Here? in my own experience? — why, I may say, yes. For example: — no very long while ago, a
singular circumstance occurred in this very house. The “[[’]]soothing system,”[[’]] you know, was then in
operation, and the patients were at large. They behaved remarkably well — especially so — any one of sense might have known
that some devilish scheme was brewing from that particular fact, that the fellows behaved so remarkably well. And, sure enough,
one fine morning, the keepers found themselves pinioned hand and foot and thrown into the cells, where they were attended, as if
they were the lunatics, by the lunatics themselves, who had usurped the offices of the keepers.”

“You don’t tell me so! I never heard of anything so absurd in my life.”

“Fact; it all came to pass by means of a stupid fellow — a lunatic — who, by some means, had taken it
into his head that he had invented a better system of government than any ever heard of before; — of lunatic government
[segment?:] I mean. He wished to give his invention a trial, I suppose; and so he persuaded the rest of the patients to join
him in a conspiracy for the overthrow of the reigning powers.”

“And he really succeeded?”

“No doubt of it; the keepers and kept were soon made to exchange places. Not that, exactly, either; for the
madmen had been free, but the keepers were shut up in cells forthwith, and treated, I am sorry to say, in a very cavalier manner.”

“But I presume a counter revolution was soon effected. This condition of things could not have long existed. The
country people in the neighbourhood — visiters coming to see the establishment — would have given the alarm.”

“There you are out. The head rebel was too cunning for that. He admitted no visiters at all — with the
exception, one day, of a very stupid-looking young gentleman of whom he had no reason to be afraid. He let him in to see the place
— just by way of variety — to have a little fun with him. As soon as he had gammoned him sufficiently, he let him out, and
sent him about his business.”

“And how long, then, did the madmen reign?”

“Oh, a very long time, indeed — a month certainly — how much longer I can’t precisely say. In
the meantime, the lunatics had a jolly season of it — that you may [segment?:] swear. They doffed their own shabby clothes,
and made free with the family wardrobe and jewels. The cellars of the chateau were well stocked with wine; and these madmen are
just the devils that know how to drink it. They lived well, I can tell you.”

“And the treatment — what was the particular species of treatment which the leader of the rebels put into
operation?”

“Why, as for that, a madman is not necessarily a fool, as I have already observed; and it is my honest opinion
that his treatment was a much better treatment than that which it superseded. It was a very capital system indeed — simple —
neat — no trouble at all — in fact it was delicious — it was” ——

Here my host’s observations were cut short by another series of yells, of the same character as those which had
previously disconcerted us. This time, however, they seemed to proceed from persons rapidly approaching.

“I very much fear it is so,” replied Monsieur Maillard, now becoming excessively pale. He had scarcely
finished the sentence, before loud shouts and imprecations were heard beneath the windows; and, immediately afterwards, it became
evident that some persons outside were endeavoring to gain entrance into the room. The door was beaten with what appeared to be a
sledge-hammer; and the shutters were wrenched and shaken with prodigious violence.

A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur Maillard, to my excessive astonishment, threw himself under the
side-board: — I had expected more resolution at his hands. The members of the orchestra, who, for the last fifteen minutes, had
been seemingly too much intoxicated to do duty, now sprang all at once to their feet and to their instruments, and, scrambling upon
their table, broke out, with one accord, into “Yankee Doodle”; which they performed, if not exactly in tune, at least with
an energy superhuman, during the whole of the uproar.

Meantime, upon the main dining table, among the bottles and glasses, leaped the gentleman who, with such difficulty,
had been restrained from leaping there before. As soon as he fairly settled himself, he commenced an oration, which, no doubt, was a
very capital one, if it could only have been heard. At the same moment, the man with the tee-totum predilections set himself to spinning
around the apartment, with immense energy, and with arms outstretched at right angles with his body; so that he had all the air of a
tee-totum in fact, and knocked every body down that happened to get in his way. And now, too, hearing an incredible popping and fizzing
of champagne, I discovered, at length, that it proceeded from the person who performed the bottle of that delicate drink during dinner.
And, then again, the frog-man croaked away as if the salvation of his soul depended upon every note that he uttered. And, in the midst
of this, the continuous braying of a donkey arose over all. As for my old friend, Madame Joyeuse, I really could have wept for the poor
lady, she appeared so terribly perplexed. All she did, however, was to stand up in a corner, by the fire-place, and sing out
incessantly, at the top of her voice, “Cock-a-doodle! — Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh!”

And now came the climax — the catastrophe of the drama. As no resistance, beyond whooping and yelling and
cock-a-doodle-ing, was offered to the encroachments of the party without, the ten windows were very speedily, and almost simultaneously,
broken in; — but I shall never forget the emotions of wonder and horror [segment?:] with which I gazed, when, leaping
through these windows, and down among us pele-mêle, fighting, stamping, scratching, and howling, there rushed a perfect
army of what I took to be Chimpanzees, Ourang-Outangs, or big black baboons of the Cape of Good Hope!

I received a terrible beating — after which I rolled under a sofa and lay still. After lying there some fifteen
minutes, however, during which time I listened, with all my ears, to what was going on in the room, I came to some satisfactory
dénouement of this tragedy. Monsieur Maillard, it appeared, in giving me the account of the lunatic who had excited his
fellows to rebellion, had been merely relating his own exploits. This gentleman had, indeed, some two or three years before, been the
superintendent of the establishment; but grew crazy himself, and so became a patient. This fact was unknown to the travelling companion
who introduced me. The keepers, then in number, having been suddenly overpowered, were first well tarred, then carefully feathered, and
then shut up in underground cells. They had been so imprisoned for more than a month, during [segment?:] which period Monsieur
Maillard had generously allowed them not only the tar and feathers (which constituted his “system”) but some bread, and
abundance of water. The latter was pumped on them daily. At length, one escaping through a sewer, gave freedom to all the rest.

The “soothing system,” with important modifications, has been resumed at the chateau; yet I cannot
help agreeing with Monsieur Maillard that his own “treatment” was a very capital one of its kind. As he justly observed, it
was “simple — neat — and gave no trouble at all “ [[sic]] — not the least.”

I have only to add that, although I have searched every library in Europe for the works of Doctor Tarr and
Professor Fether, I have, up to the present day, utterly failed in my endeavours at procuring an edition.

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Notes:

For a detailed analysis of the changes made in this version, see the comparative text.