As any neurologist – apart from an actual one – will tell you, Arsène Wenger suffers from Jeffers-Almunia-Squillaci syndrome, meaning he is unable to learn from his mistakes. Another nasty symptom of JAS syndrome is the inability to learn from others' mistakes. Which means that after Alex McLeish sparked civil war in Birmingham by threatening to join Aston Villa, Wenger will do the same in north London by attempting to snatch Jermain Defoe from the clutches of Tottenham. Expect Armageddon to kick off around 2pm tomorrow just outside Finsbury Park tube when a Spurs fan wanders into an Arsenal pub and says "Actually, he's not that good any more, you can have him" and everyone buys him a drink.

Birmingham City continue to stumble through a post-zombie-apocalypse wasteland while hordes of the undead surround them, ready to tear into their juiciest bits. CRUNCH!Liverpool are gorging on Scott Dann for £8m. UNGH! Blackburn have just torn off a hunk of Roger Johnson for £7m! GRAAAWK! Sunderland and Newcastle are bathed in £8m's worth of Craig Gardner! GNAAAR! Arsenal are thinking of signing Sebastian Larsson! Hang on, he's a free agent that doesn't really work! Still, Sebastian Larsson? Really?

Talking of players with plenty of flesh for zombies to feast on, if Charlie Adam does make it to Liverpool, Kenny Dalglish will let Raul Meireles go to Internazionale. To play. Not just for a stadium tour or anything.

Another man on his way to Europe is Blackburn's Steve Kean. According to the Mirror he's on his way to Spain with a "£30m war chest" to bring back Manchester City loanee Emmanuel Adebayor from Real and any other "big-name strikers" that get in his way. The bad news is that a war chest containing £30m is going to weigh loads, particularly if – as the Mill likes to imagine – it's full of pirate treasure, which means Kean is going to be over his EasyJet baggage limit and he's looking at a £47 surcharge. That'll only leave him change to sign James Collins from Aston Villa.

If Stoke had £1 for every time they were linked with a £10m move for Asamoah Gyan they'd have £1. Actually, they'd have £2 now because we just repeated the rumour. The Mill's not sure what happens if this article is shared on Twitter or Facebook, they may only get 50p for each one of those.

Good news Match of the Day fans (sic). Alan Shearer says he still wants to manage, despite failing to agree terms to take over at Cardiff City. We do, however, have exclusive access to his half-time team talk and analysis at his hypothetical new club: "We're 1-0 down. The big lad on the other side has seen the ball come over and headed it and it has gone in. Gary Lineker didn't score many from outside the area and Alan Hansen is bad at golf!"

The Sun says Frank Lampard and the one off breakfast TV who isn't Adrian Chiles are engaged.

And finally, France winger Sidney Govou could be on his way to Swansea; Real are mulling over a £20m bid for Edin Dzeko; slighty alcoholic water product Budweiser will be the new FA Cup sponsors; and Barcelona have joined just about every other club in the world in the race to sign Paul Konc ... Alexis Sánchez.