Will I fall to pieces?

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written and I apologize for that. There are so many things I’ve wanted to say, but I was unsure if I was ready to. So today I decided to take a chance.

At the end of December I met a guy. For all intents and purposes we probably shouldn’t have met and we shouldn’t have liked each other but we do. He is very different from anyone I have ever dated. I have spent almost every day with him since we met. And I know that my friends are a little frustrated and worried about me. And for that I am sorry. I know I haven’t been there for lunches and dinners and coffee and phone calls. Maybe an email.

This is such a new and different relationship. We have a great time together but there are many issues facing us. Do I want to be with him? Yes. Do I think we are going to make it? I have no idea. Honestly, unless these issues get resolved, we probably won’t make it. And therein lies the problem.

You see, we click on many levels. There is an intellectual level and a level of honesty that I really like. We banter and argue like an old married couple. He tries to tell me what to do and I tell him that I could kill him and bury his body where it won’t be found. (Please know that I’m kidding!!) We talk about so many things. He tells me that I could do better than him, that he can’t live up to Larry’s legacy. And I tell him that no one can live up to Larry but that’s okay.

So for right now I am asking my friends for patience. And I am asking that you trust me to do what I think is right for me right now. It may not be right in the long run. But I refuse to live my life in a cowardly way. Living fully means there is a potential to be hurt. I get that and I am willing to take that risk.

I talked to my therapist about the whole thing. I asked him if he thought I was crazy. He told me “Gina, I’ve known you for many years and I’m not going to change my opinion of you now. You are not crazy. You have been a ‘good girl’ for a long time and if you want or need to do this, then it’s okay.”

So I said “Will you be there for me to pick up the pieces when it all goes south?”

And he said “Of course.”

So I guess I am asking my friends for the same favor. Be patient, trust me, and if you feel you can, be there for me if or when I fall apart!

14 Responses

Dear Gina,
As usual, you’re able to share new facets in your life in a very real and universal way.

In that sense, you’re an example to all of us — and we’re there with you in spirit.

I also know from my own experiences that it’s important and supportive to feel known and cared for during any challenging time in one’s life.

So in that sense, you’ve given us the gift of your honesty and doubts and real complexity & confusion. We’ll return the favor by letting you know that we’re there energetically for you buoying you up as you take a leap of faith more deeply into this new relationship and all that it may bring.

One of the hardest things about dating later in life is that we are older and wiser. When we are young and foolish we enter into these relationships blindly and with little thought to what could go wrong. How brave you are to go on when you know there is danger of heartbreak. You have done so much for so many in your life you deserve a chance to do something for yourself. I am sure your friends will understand and support you. Good luck to you.

But as I thought about it – in my mind I think this is a distraction from your loss of the love of your life.

And you know what… That’s ok. In fact I think it’s more than ok.

Larry still knows he is the love of your life, and does not want you to be miserable. And you’re not “using” this new person either. I’m sure the companionship is mutually beneficial, not just enjoyable.

Gina,
i do not know you personally. I read your blog here on TU.com. I am sure you deserve this Happy that has been placed in your life. Just breathe, and live it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute. And enjoy.
I would love to meet you in person someday. I feel we have a lot in common.
Thank you for sharing this with us all.

Dear Gina,
I, for one, am thrilled for you! You have already had enough sadness in your life and if this gentleman makes you happy I say go for it. You know more than anyone how precious life is and the length isn’t guaranteed!
Best of everything to you!

While I have never experienced loss like you have, I am a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives and in doing so provide us with what we need at that time, even if we, ourselves, don’t know what that is. Maybe it is a good thing that this person is the total opposite of everything you have known and that he challenges you and engages you in a way that seems to make you happy right now. My advice is to live in the moment, stop worrying so much about what other people might think of what you are doing. You have lived through pain, suffering and loss, showing a strength that would probably send a lesser person to their knees – so kick off your shoes, throw your arms up in the air and ride the roller coaster for a little while longer!

I’ve never commented on your blog before – but I felt strongly about this post. It is one thing to be happy in your new relationship, but I do not think that your friendships should suffer because of it. Those are the people that truly matter, have been there for you through it all, and generally, know what is best for you (speaking from my own personal experience here, my friends’ “hunches” and “gut feelings” about things more often than not are accurate). It wouldn’t be fair for you to push people away, only to expect them to be there “if and when things fall apart.”

I have read your blogs for awhile now and certainly get a sense of the type of caring individual that you have been all your life. You have been a wonderful daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend to many.
You have experienced more than your share of losses in a short time-span and handled it all with grace and dignity. I think you are entitled to make some decisions on your own that must, on the surface, seem somehow risky to your friends. You did not mention how your boys are handling this seemingly “step away from your norm” behavior. That would play into your friends reactions also.
My only huge caveat for you would be to have a background check done on this individual by a professional….to make sure you will be safe. If it comes back OK…then go for it…and enjoy the ride.

I can’t speak for any one of your friends, but when I see a woman that I am close to, hook up with a guy, sometimes a guy they were in a relationship with before, and then all of the sudden, no calls, no emails, nothing……. it doesn’t really bother me that they are getting all wrapped up with one person, it bothers me that they don’t realize they are less interesting when they make that one person the focus of their everything. That does not appear to be good in the long term. Like even in marriage, isn’t it better when each spouse finds their own space in the house, and out??????? Actions speak louder than words and when a new relationship or old relationship starts back up, I just think it is a good idea to maintain what is normal; not limit yourself to that new relationship. That can make a woman appear boring and too willing to change who she is for this new guy. Good luck.

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