Mars Rover Death Revealed to Be Elaborate Scheme to Collect on Life Insurance Policy

MARS — NASA’s Opportunity rover was arrested on Wednesday after evidence surfaced it was involved in an elaborate scheme to fake its own death in order to collect a $3 million life insurance policy, sources confirmed today.

The rover landed on Mars in January 2004 and was finally declared deceased on February 13. Investigators say they initially became suspicious when the rover mysteriously went offline in June just weeks after taking out life insurance policies with seven different insurance companies.

“We lost communications with Opportunity in June, but numerous witnesses claim to have spotted him gambling at the Bellagio in Las Vegas in August, and he was reportedly throwing extravagant parties on his yacht off the coast of Miami in November,” said NASA investigator Angela Marston. “Let me assure you his actions do not represent NASA’s values. We hold our rovers, satellites, and other interplanetary spacecraft to the utmost standards of integrity and professionalism.”

This isn’t the first time the Mars rover has attempted to swindle the insurance system to get a big payout. Just after crashing into a parked rock while exploring Santa Maria crater in 2010, Opportunity claimed it suffered damages to its X-ray spectrometer and whiplash, and it could no longer perform its duties. It attempted to sue the rock for damages, but the claims were later thrown out due to lack of evidence.

“Opportunity has clearly shown a pattern of nefarious and fraudulent activity, but it’s time to put his life of crime to an end,” said Marston. “I’m just glad we’ll finally be able to put this scumbag behind bars.”