Howard
Stern’s vastly popular morning show is making the move
to satellite radio, and the future of commercial radio
hangs in the balance

Everyone’s
got an opinion about Howard Stern. Some say he’s one of
radio’s all-time great voices, a bona fide entertainer
on the level of Carson or Letterman. Others say he’s nothing
more than a foul-mouthed pig whose greatest joy in life
is using his influence to get young women to take their
clothes off. Some find him to be an entertaining, foul-mouthed
pig. Whatever. The point is, love him or loathe him, you
have an opinion, which goes to prove that the man’s impact
on radio as we now know it has been tremendous.

Michael Harrison, publisher of radio talk-show trade magazine
Talkers, told CNN earlier this year that Stern
is “a phenomenon . . . one of the biggest radio attractions
in the modern era.” He’s not joking. Just take a look
at Stern’s accomplishments: He’s been the No. 1 DJ in
New York City for most of his 20-plus years on the air
there. He was the first DJ ever to be No. 1 in both New
York and Los Angeles simultaneously. His syndicated morning
show sailed to the top of the ratings in most of the 46
markets where it’s been broadcast. Without Stern, the
“morning zoo”-style programs we’ve come to associate with
morning radio might never have existed. (Whether or not
the world could have gotten by without Opie & Anthony,
we’ll never know.)

And that’s all prior to Stern’s self- coronation as King
of All Media. Sure, he never quite took the TV throne
(a late-’90s attempt at a CBS series based on his radio
show tanked), but he pretty much conquered everything
else he set his dirty mind to: His first book, 1993’s
Private Parts, was Simon & Schuster’s fastest-selling
book ever; the soundtrack album from the resulting film
(if you missed it, it’s well worth the rental) was the
fastest-selling soundtrack in film history; the follow-up
book, Miss America, was the fastest seller in publishinghistory. (Wow.) And he didn’t totally drop the
TV ball: Prior to its completion this summer, his daily
half-hour highlights show was the most successful program
on the E! network—not that there’s all that much in the
way of competition. (Taradise, anyone?)

Stern pushed the boundaries of just how much and what
kinds of free speech the first amendment allows, versus
what the FCC and the White House believe they can regulate.
He’s more or less been fighting for the right to let America
hear the up-close-and-personal sound of two nude lesbian
midgets wrestling in a vat of cooking oil—fascinating
programming, really—but you can’t deny the guy’s commitment
to his (ahem) craft. And his fan base has increased incrementally
over the years, his followers displaying a religious fervor
for their hero.

But Stern wearied from years of increasingly strict regulations
and ballooning monetary fines from the FCC—against him,
against stations that aired his show, and against the
networks that own the stations—and last October, he announced
a five-year, $500 million deal with Sirius Satellite Radio,
a deal Sirius called “epic” and “the most important deal
in radio history.” Who can blame him? So far, despite
talks of these things changing in the future, satellite-radio
programming is noncommercial, and not regulated by the
FCC, so Stern can have himself a veritable free-for-all
on a daily basis. He can finally have back those elusive
seven dirty words!

So what happens to the kingdom when its king decides that,
rather than stay and defend his throne, he’d rather build
a spaceship and colonize a whole other planet? Could this
spell martial law for radio programmers? Traditional AM-FM
radio has long been on the decline, at least financially
speaking, with advertisers having moved their monies to
the Internet, to television, and to other developing entertainment
media. As Stern defects to satellite, advertisers will
defect along with him. So what does all this mean to radio
as we know it? And, more importantly, what the hell will
you listen to while you get ready for work? That question
will be answered when the post-Stern era officially begins
on Jan. 1.

Says one female Stern devotee in her late 20s, “I don’t
know what I’m going to do without Howard. I’m thinking
about getting satellite [radio] just so I can still hear
him.”

“Really,
what are we going to listen to now—the Wolf?” her female
companion asks sarcastically.

Stern’s narcotic-like effect on his fans makes it inevitable
that many will make the leap to the subscription-only
satellite service, but back in the real world, there’s
a palpable sense of dread among soon-to-be- former Stern
carriers.

Stern has been broadcast locally on “The Edge” (WQBJ 103.5
FM and WQBK 103.9 FM) since 1992. According to the New
York-based radio-ratings bookkeeper Arbitron, Stern has
consistently placed No. 1 in the Albany market with adults
aged 18 to 34; his numbers have been almost as consistent
with adults 25 to 54. So the stakes are high, to say the
least. Robert Ausfeld, regional vice president for the
Edge’s parent company, Regent Communications Inc., told
the Albany Business Journal in August that they
“won’t just pull something out of a hat” when choosing
a replacement. However, with D-day less than two months
away, Regent needs to make a decision soon, and so far,
the solutions haven’t exactly been falling in their laps.

While hopeful, Stern’s competitors aren’t exactly expecting
this to be the “big moment” they’ve all been waiting for,
either. “Our show is the anti-Stern in terms of content,”
says Kelly Stevens, morning cohost at WYJB (95.5 FM),
“but with so many listeners being left hanging after Stern
moves to satellite, there’s no reason to believe they
won’t scatter in a lot of different directions.”

“Time
will tell on the issue of satellite radio,” she continues,
tentatively. “It’s a good possibility [that] the younger
the listener, the more likely they’ll go to the new technology.”
But, she adds, this could prove to relocalize the radio
audience. “Satellite can never be local and that’s something
you need in morning radio. We can imagine Stern doing
his show live in the morning and being repeated in the
afternoon. If satellite users can hear him later, they
might continue to listen to a locally-broadcast morning
show.”

Many local morning shows, including highly rated programs
on WFLY (92.3 FM), WPYX (106.5 FM) and WGNA (107.7 FM),
have no immediate plans to change their stride. WFLY morning
co-host Candy says, “We are not doing anything to attract
his listeners specifically,” while her counterpart Potter
looks to the future and sees nothing but . . . more of
the same?

“Satellite
is not the future of radio,” states Potter, with a hint
of indignation. “Broadcast TV didn’t vanish when cable/satellite
came out. Broadcast radio will be going digital soon and
will offer a lot of the same features that satellite does,
but for free.”

Regardless of who takes the reins, Stevens says, “one
thing [is] for sure, his leaving will make a difference.”

On a national level, Viacom subsidiary Infinity Broadcasting,
producer of the Stern show, has opted to divide the kingdom
accordingly. Infinity announced last week that it would
replace Stern with a number of different personalities
for different markets. The company has offered little
elaboration—it’s unclear as to whether or not this will
be a Survivor-style showdown, with the pack eventually
being whittled down to one winning personality—but this
decision came only after Infinity was turned down by a
number of celebrities considered to be big-ticket hole-fillers.
Folks like Jon Stewart, Geraldo Rivera and Whoopi Goldberg
reportedly were contacted about the position by Infinity
CEO Joel Hollander; wisely, each declined the invitation.
Many of the celebrities contacted balked at the early
start time, while others simply had little or no reason
to leave their current gig. Yeah, like Stewart’s about
to pack up and leave The Daily Show. Right.

Adam Carolla has tossed his own name around in regards
to the L.A. market. This could work, in theory: Carolla
has years of broadcasting background, having co-hosted
both the long-running radio advice show Loveline,
and four seasons of the wildly popular TheMan
Show (with the chronically unfunny Jimmy Kimmel).
However, as anyone who has caught Carolla’s current television
venture (Comedy Central’s Too Late With Adam Carolla)
can attest, he needs a good counterpart or a team of personalities
to make it work. Solo Carolla? Hand over the remote controlla.

The name most frequently circulated in post-Stern discussions
has been former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth. Although
nothing has been confirmed, word has it that Roth has
signed on to take over the L.A. and New York markets.
This, in theory, is a great idea. The attitude of the
show probably wouldn’t have to change a bit; with any
luck, he’d make each morning an endless parade of surgically
enhanced fembots, just like his videos. But this is radio
we’re talking about—what about the audio? Odds are Roth’s
show flies only if he brings guitarist Steve Vai along
to do that talking thing with his wah-wah pedal, the one
made famous on “Yankee Rose” in 1986. Just imagine the
opening segment:

“(wah-wah)”

“What’s
that?”

“(wah
wah wah-wah wah)”

“Why,
hummala zeebala bop! It’s the David Lee Roth show!”

It’s radio gold waiting to happen. But, if Roth does take
over, how long before he’s replaced by Sammy Hagar?