Group members clear any withheld communications from each other,
within a format that contributes to safety, honesty, and personal
growth. This exercise helps men practice the important skills
of truthtelling and conflict resolution.

Steps

1. The group leader starts the group in the usual way.

2. Through a visualization, group members are asked to
determine if there are any unexpressed withheld communications
with any other members. For example, the group leader can say,
"Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths. Picture each man
in the group, and feel your connection with him. Do you feel open
to him? If you feel closed to someone, ask yourself, 'Is this
okay with me? Do I feel some pain about this separation? Is there
anything which I need to say to feel closer or more connected
to this man?"

3. The group leader explains the format for sharing.
(Steps 4-9)

4. One member who is withholding says the name of the
man he needs to talk to. These two men face each other.

5. The first man asks permission to tell his truth.

6. If the responder says yes, then the man states his
communication, his feelings, and the effect of the withhold on
their relationship.

7. The man listening asks for clarification and says,
"Is there anything else you need to tell me?" If so,
the first man tells it.

8. When the first man feels complete, he says so.

9. Then the second man responds, in a non-blaming, responsible
way.

10. When the men feel complete, another pair can enter
the circle and follow the same procedure.

11. The group leader ends the group in the usual way.

Comments

This exercise should be done with the intention of cleaning up
communication blocks and creating more intimacy. The consent and
intention of the parties are critical. The leader's role is to
provide safety and help the men stay within the guidelines that
they have agreed upon. This model can also work for someone who
has trouble with the group itself: its format, style, communications,
etc.

This exercise was suggested by Eric Grabow, Berkeley, CA.

Title Telling the Honest Truth

Type Discussion

Description

This exercise gives men another safe structure or framework for
speaking deep truth to members of in the group.

Steps

1. The group leader starts the group in the usual way.

2. One man volunteers. One at a time each man tells him
what he likes about him.

3. After the group finishes, the man responds about how
it felt to hear positive descriptions about himself.

4. Then the group makes another round, giving the man
honest feedback about personality traits or behaviors that he
might want to work on, ways he defends against intimacy, and
advice or support for particular issues.

5. After the group has finished with this round of feedback,
the man responds.

6. Then whole group talks briefly about the members'
own experiences talking and listening in this way.

7. Optional: The leader can have another man go through
the process that same night; or wait for the next meeting.

Comments

This potentially powerful exercise needs a leader who will encourage
honesty that is not attacking, but not falsely nice either. It
is valuable to observe the man receiving feedback. Is he breathing
in a shallow way? (This can indicate a defense against deep feeling.)
Groups members can encourage him to breathe deeper and to tell
the truth.

This exercise was suggested by Ron Chicione, Palo Alto, CA.

Title Creating and Avoiding Intimacy in the Group

Type Discussion

Description

This exercise shows men clearly how they reach out to other men,
and how they resist them. We need constant practice in understanding
these two habits.

Steps

1. The leader for the night starts the group in the usual
way.

2. He starts a simple visualization activity. "Close
your eyes, sit up straight or lie down. Breathe slowly into the
body. Let yourself think about the way you have interacted with
the men tonight, in greeting them, in joining with them in the
circle, in carpooling, etc. Feel yourself reaching out to them,
or holding back from them. How did you reach out to men, and
how did you hold yourself back?

Concentrate on one interaction with a man. How did you feel? What
did your voice sound like to you? Were you leaning towards, or
holding yourself away from him? Did you make eye contact? What
unconscious habits of connecting were you using?"

3. "Now go back a little further in time. How are
these habits familiar to you from other times during which you
are trying to connect with people? How did you learn to connect
this way? Do you remember any incidents from childhood in which
you acted this way? What part of your personality do you generally
share with people? What part do you hold back?"

4. "Now bring yourself back into the room. Feel
your feet on the floor. Take a few more breaths and rejoin the
room."

5. Each man takes several minutes to share the patterns
which he saw in himself. He can invite others to give him feedback
about his connection with them.

6. Optional: In Chapter Eight, Going Deeper, there are
exercises on playing out parts of the personality. Many inner
characters show up when we meet other men: the pleaser, the ingratiator,
the one who wants to impress, etc. Some creative drama with these
inner characters can be very revealing.

7. The group leader closes the group in the usual way.

Comments

This is a great exercise for either starting the group (in the
first few meetings) or later, after the group has been meeting
for a while. The patterns of intimacy and defendedness that show
up here will be the same patterns that each man uses in other
relationships. Awareness helps them to change.

Title Group Rules, Group Taboos

Type Discussion

Description

This exercise helps men to understand the practices which have
developed in the group. They can then decide if they want to continue
them, or change them.

Steps

1. The leader for the night starts the group in the usual
way.

2. He uses the simple visualization process. "Close
your eyes, sit up straight or lie down. Breathe slowly into the
body. Let yourself think and feel, what are the rules that we
follow in this group? What are the conscious and unconscious rules
which dictate the ways that we will act together? Which of these
rules do you like, do you think are important, or would you never
break?

3. "What are the rules that you break subtly, or
that you hate to follow? How do you break them? What does this
say about the way you were trained to be in a group or a family?
What other rules do you like to break?"

4. Optional: "What are the rules which you think
are the most important? When do you experience the group at its
best? What rules or agreements help support this positive experience?"

5. "Now bring yourself back into the room. Feel
your feet on the floor. Take a few more breaths and rejoin the
room."

6. Then each man takes several minutes to share the patterns
which he saw in himself.

7. When each man is finished, the group can talk over
what rules they want to keep and which they want to throw out.
(This can be a lengthy process which takes more than one meeting.)

8. The leader closes the group in the usual way.

Comments

Life is constructed with rules, taboos and conscious and unconscious
agreements. Being aware of these rules, and how we create them,
can help us change them. In a group a few years ago, one man was
moving a lot and eating some peanuts, while we discussed the issue
of "evil", what is it and how do we manifest it. He
got feedback from others in the group that he was irritating them,
and finally he said, "This topic makes me really nervous.
I'm sorry if I couldn't be more direct with you. But I have seen
evil and it makes me very scared."

Title Important Group Discussion Topics

Group Creation

Type Discussion

Description

These exercises help men to talk about group agreements and understandings.
Agreement about these topics creates a set of benchmarks that
group members can refer back to as the group continues. The discussion
of such core topics creates group safety and cohesion.

Steps

1. The leader for the night starts the group in the usual
way.

2. He starts a group discussion by asking one of the
following questions.

A. Group Creation: What kind of group do I want to be in? (You
can refer to Chapter 4 and 5 for possible answers.)

B. Commitment: What is my commitment to the group: time, attention,
etc.? Will I make group participation a priority?

C. Leadership: What kind of leadership do I want in the group?
Am I willing to be a leader? Will I be willing to deal with my
issues about leadership in an

honest, non-blaming way?

3. Men go around the circle and answer whichever question
the group leader has recommended.

4. Open dialogue can follow after the whole group has
commented on a question.

4. The leader closes the group in the usual way.

Comments

In Chapter Nine: Stages of the Group, Plateaus and Problems, I
bring up these same questions again, because the group is always
working with them. The discussions on this page should take two
to three weeks, if each question is investigated deeply. Care
taken here will help solve a lot of questions and problems that
can come up later in the group.

Title Important Group Discussion Topics

Personal Dynamics

Type Discussion

Description

These exercises help men to talk about personal dynamics which
will emerge as the group meets. The open discussion of such core
group topics creates safety and cohesion.

Steps

1. The leader for the night starts the group in the usual
way.

2. He starts a group discussion by asking one of the
following questions.

A. Greatest Fear: What is my greatest fear in this group? What
might go wrong that would hurt me?

B. Creating and Avoiding Intimacy: What method would I use to
stay isolated from the group? (Humor, sarcasm, criticism of others,
spacing out, not coming.)

C. Family Patterns: What family patterns do I feel are evoked
by my participation in the group?

D. Dominance: Who dominates the airtime in the group? What is
he talking about during this time? How do the group members feel
at these times? Interested, passive, angry, bored?

E. Truthtelling: Are men committed to truthtelling instead of
blaming? Are they willing to practice being self-responsible?

3. Men go around the circle and answer whichever question
the group leader has recommended.

4. Open dialogue can follow after the whole group has
commented on a question.

5. The leader closes the group in the usual way.

Comments

These particular activities require men to talk about the inner
experience of the group, and it asks the members to be vulnerable
and non-blaming. In Chapter Nine: Stages of the Group, Plateaus
and Problems, I bring up these same questions again, because the
group is always working with them. These discussions should take
several weeks, if each question is investigated deeply. Care taken
here will help solve a lot of questions and problems that can
come up later in the group.

Title Connection with the Group

Type Creative Arts

Description

This movement exercise helps men talk about how connected they
feel with the group. It creates a dialogue which develops group
intimacy.

Steps:

1. The leader for the night starts the group in the usual
way.

2. The leader then puts an object in the middle of a
large circle which represents the group.

3. He then asks the men to arrange themselves in the
room spatially in a way that describes how close they feel to
the group members and to the group process. Are they engaged,
interested, committed? If they feel connected, they should stand
close to the center, and if they feel disconnected, they should
stand at the edges of the room.

4. The men should take a few minutes to move to the place
that feels the most accurate to them. It is okay to move around
into different spaces, but eventually they should settle on one.

5. After each man has finished, the leader can start
a discussion on these questions: What does each man feel in the
different positions? What do the men in different positions want
to say to each other? What would it take for the men to change
positions, either move in closer to the group or move away?

6. Optional: The group can make another circle, in which
each man positions himself where he wants to be in relation to
the group. The same questions can be asked as in step 5, plus
these: What prevents you from creating the group as you want it
to be?

7. The leader closes the group in the usual way.

Comments

These patterns of closeness and distance show up in work and relationship,
and often go back to family of origin issues of inclusion and
exclusion. We want to blame others for the way we create these
patterns. The empowerment here comes when we see our own role
in the process, and to take responsibility for the way we want
it to be.

These activities are taken from a longer chapter in Talking with Our Brothers, about activities which you can use when your group appears to be stagnating or having communication problems.Sorry, the book is currently out of print. E-mail me if you eant to be notified if it is again available.