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Hello universe, you great grand thing. I don’t know if you are very interested, or are more an impersonal mass of glittering stardust, but I am writing to you either way because I want something very badly this holiday season. Either way I figure you can take it and I’ll at least have the benefit of getting something off my chest.

I am very grateful for my job but I need a new one, whether that means my current situation gets renovated, or I get a new situation, I am not sure. I am very grateful for many of the things in my job–my coworkers are great, I’m not complaining of being employed in these times, and I’m certainly not bored. It’s just lately I feel like I’m in the wrong place. Lately, work has not felt like a healthy place at all.

I’m working in a system that seems to be broken, or in the very least incredibly strained, that leaves me at the end of the day feeling completely used up. I don’t feel like I have the energy to do the things I like to do. I feel tense and jumpy. Though I work incredibly hard, I also don’t think that I can possibly get everything done very well, and that feels pretty bad. After several years of being here, I don’t trust the situation to change very much no matter what happens.

The thing is, I am not strong enough right now to just dump it all and let the world work around me. Maybe I don’t have enough faith, or maybe I have enough faith but lack the energy to let the ship be a little rocky for awhile (the ship has been rocky for so long, Universe.) I am wearying of trouble being just around the corner, of near scrapes and just-misses, of double and triple guessing choices, of feeling unsafe.

Universe, I want you to bring me someplace new, with the caveat of safety and a smooth transition. All I want is enough money to take care of needs and a workday where I can pour my heart out into something I love, that is a little warmer, with a little less pressure. I don’t mind working hard, I can even change, but I don’t want to be a cog in a machine anymore, where I grind myself to pieces. I need to be in a place where I can make mistakes, and that is acceptable.

And I am grateful for all the things I have now. The people around me are wonderful, I am not blaming them for my current situation. I am grateful for being somewhat secure too, I am not worried about losing my job.

But I want so much more–including that super secret life that I dare not say yet because I’m too shy.