Lenten Return

Work is quiet today and key people are out, so I have decided that given that it is 4:08, and I have already put in my 8 hours of work, I shall start working on one of my Lenten vows during the next 52 minutes of overtime.

During Lent, if one practices it, one typically gives up items of enjoyment or indulgence.Accordingly, I have given up:

a)buying books, DVDs, CDs and home décor items (enjoyment)

b)worrying (indulgence)

Many people have wondered about the worrying and if that technically counted as something to ‘give up’.I wasn’t sure either, which is why I threw in the buying of books.I buy a lot of books.I don’t necessarily buy a lot of CDs or DVDs, but I didn’t want to transfer to those while banned from books, and I wanted to cut back on home décor (which I currently love) so that all of that money could go toward some clothes that fit.But back to the worrying: after much debate, I do think it counts as it’s difficult to give up, unhealthy, and something well replaced with prayer (what I always try to do in place of my Lenten sacrifice, whenever I think of it).After all, in previous years, I’ve given up other vices.Additionally, I took it to be a good idea when my husband immediately responded, YES, that is what you should give up and if you do, I will give up fast food.This should be taken with the gravity with which it was said as a) Matthew loves his fast food and b) does not celebrate Lent.

The flip side of giving up something for Lent is people often decide to do something as well.The things I decided to do are:

a)Work out three times a week, only one of which can be walking the dog (though the dog can certainly be walked more)

b)Build my own happiness project

c)Write again online, at least once a week

And that is how I came to be here again.It’s difficult to start writing after a break, and the longer that break goes on, the harder it becomes.What do you say? Do you address the silence? Let it go? And how, how, how do you let yourself put words down and not immediately suck them back in where it is safe?

What it came down to for me was the need to take up space again, to have a presence, and to be okay with that, in all aspects of my life.This includes being okay with taking up physical space and not working against my body, which will be one of my commandments.There is a sense of taking back what is mine involved as well, taking back myself.I’ve always identified myself as a writer: it is what I do.Except when it is not, and then I wonder who I am, and I feel anchorless.And still, this is the last of my Lenten goals for me to start on; still, even now, there is a hesitation, a holding of air in the lungs.