Sunday, April 27, 2008

Brave

I love this song because it talks about how we don’t need to know it all, and we can still be strong believers in Christ. The world can think we’re completely loco, and it doesn’t matter because God is with us.

I admit I struggle with this. As much as I tell myself it doesn’t matter what other people think, helllooooooooo, yes it does matter. I don’t like it, but I can tell myself to ignore it all I want and still I won’t feel any different, I’ll still feel self-conscious.

Worship is my worst area for this. I’m pretty sure no one is going to think anything if I stand or raise my hands or even if I dance around the sanctuary (although I’d probably trip over some lady’s walker if I did that). But something inside me holds back and I just sit there meekly and sing the songs.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always want to raise my hands or stand, but sometimes I feel a push in me to do it, and I ignore it.

At other times (and this is totally perverse of me, but I’ve gotten used to my illogic), I wonder if I feel like I ought to raise my hands because God would want me to, or it would be expected of someone who was a true Christian—not because I really want to raise my hands. You know what I mean?

At the same time, I know that God moves me in other ways, outside of worship at church. He moves me during worship team practices before youth group meetings. He moves me in the shower. He moves me when I’m listening to music during the day. Then, I raise my hands and sing with some gusto.

God also makes me brave in other areas—in telling my teen girls some hard things about their spiritual lives, or their choices. In writing hard things in my fiction. In confessing hard things to my Bible study group or my prayer group.

Why can’t I be brave at church and raise my hands? At the same time, why is it so necessary for me to do that at all?

Is it wrong not to be moved during worship at church? Is that irreverent for me to even ask that?

Well, I have church today (I’m writing this the night before). I’ll talk to God some during service and see if He has an answer for me.