This Week’s ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Had Crabs

This show might be getting to me: last night after I wrote this recap, I had a dream that Tenley had died before the show aired and everyone knew that but me, and everyone was really mad at me because I was mean to Tenley in these recaps, except I didn’t think I was really that mean, but that’s where we’re at: Bachelor in Paradise is creeping into my dreams.

Anyway, Sunday!: Love is in the air and so is the drama, the announcer tells us.

WE OPEN ON A: Cuidado: Crabs sign, and then a lot of crabs. Thousands of crabs. Screams of terror as there are crabs in the girl’s rooms. Metaphor?

We return to our regularly scheduled Joe and JJ fight already in progress. Tenley turns up to ask for a recap in a way that is wholly organic and not in any way staged. They make it look like Joe is talking to Jorge about the JJ argument though that is clearly not what happened. Leave Jorge alone! In the frantic scramble to find a way for Juelia to stay, JJ offers her his rose, but she tells him to take a chance on love. Juelia gives herself some affirmations about being a good person and good wife material. I mean, I guess? I haven’t thought about what I’m looking for in a potential wife, but I guess smokin’ hot with a seemingly endless wardrobe of low cut maxi dresses is totally on the agenda.

Samantha spends the whole episode saying she is not about drama whilst creating drama, and I realize she’s a special snowflake! I bet she doesn’t have a lot of female friends because they just “create drama,” everyone! I stare at her in all her scenes trying to understand how someone so beautiful has so little personality or interests. Is it that beautiful people don’t need anything but beauty to be popular, so they just don’t try? Is that how that works?

Joe and Samantha try to “come clean” to the group by admitting they did talk before the show, but their confession is mostly “we talked about being on The Bachelor(ette)!” Everyone ditches Samantha and Joe to go on about their own drama, to wit:

-Ashley I. still wants to eat Jared’s face and he reluctantly agrees to have his face eaten.

-Amber and Dan are a couple? BUT WHAT OF MY LADY LOVE ASHLEY S.?

And then there’s JJ, dear sweet JJ, the most magnificent bastard in show history.1 JJ’s rose is up for grabs so Tenley tries to convince him to give his rose to Juelia even though we already settled that. Editing. Megan looks completely different from last episode and apparently she won’t kiss JJ but does expect a rose. Don’t come on Bachelor in Paradise and not be willing to risk HSV-I from making out with strangers, ok Megan?

Juelia wants to stay “for the right reasons” so she goes to find our BFF Harrison, to um, I’m not sure? Can Harrison give emergency roses to blondes who feel bad about their choices? Because that seems like it would result in giving a rose to every woman on the show. She goes to bat for Mikey T. being forced to leave because of Joe’s lies, which is weird because Jonathan was the guy who was into her, I thought. Big mistake, Jonathan. YOU GUYS, it’s all hanging in the balance! Will Juelia stay or go?

Rose distribution! Joshua gives his rose to Tenley, Jared’s is to Ashley I, Kirk’s goes to Carly, Tanner gives his to Jade. JJ gives his to…Ashley S.! Everyone is baffled. JJ gives a beautiful, Hamlet-esque soliloquy about how he broke up with someone to come to paradise, and now he feels bad and so he’s gonna go see about a girl. He leaves a hero and a gentleman, y’all. The music is inspiring, which proves it. “I didn’t find love on Bachelorette, I didn’t find love on Bachelor in Paradise…but I found myself.” He has been to both Paradise and to himself.

JJ has a girl at home and “usually we’re mad about that” but “we’re like GO HOME TO HER, WE LOVE YOU JJ!”

Now only Dan can save Juelia! Real talk, if I never have to type her unusually spelled name again I’d be ok with it. Joe gives his rose to Samantha and everyone hates them. Dan grabs Carly?? For some reason?? In the middle of the ceremony?? To talk to her about his rose issues. But ultimately Dan gives it to Amber because love or whatever.

Clare, Megan, and Juelia are going home. Except, WAIT! Mikey T. is here! To see if love is going to happen! Am I the only one who remembered that Mikey T. was stalker-level obsessed with Clare initially? Am I the only one who believes in the right reasons?

Mikey T. gives Juelia a last minute rose. Clare is in the limo on the way home like “I gotta stop dating on reality shows,” but really she mostly misses the raccoons. As do we all.

Immediately after the rose ceremony, Jade and Tanner get a date card to go to the town of Tequila! Tanner gets to hack apart an agave plant which is good because he is super frustrated from being the designated sin-eater for the ridiculous Samantha-Joe secrets!

Tanner and the agave plant is me, every day, in real life. Tanner and Jade decide to make their relationship Bachelor in Paradise official. With sex.

Meanwhile there’s trouble in Joe-adise: Joe is talking about how Samantha should be the mother of his children. I experience a full body shiver of terror. But then Nick from Ashley’s season shows up! I don’t know who Nick or Bachelorette Ashley is! He’s definitely better looking than foot-face Joe. He tells Harrison he’s been texting and talking with Samantha and even saw her once. How common is this hooking up between former cast members outside the show? This is actually sort of fascinating.

Nick takes Samantha aside to ask if she’ll go on a date with him. In private she says she will but when he asks her publicly she says no, because women, man. So he asks Ashley S., queen of my heart. They’re supposed to go to an island but there’s a hurricane coming. So they get tequila massages, which just involves them getting shitfaced and the birds getting subtitled.

Blah blah Joe and Samantha. Samantha’s word of the day is DRAMA. She’s getting all distance-y and Joe is sad because he realizes his face is a foot and she is hotter than he is. Also, it is his birthday! That makes this so much better.

Joe throws himself a birthday party with Samantha as the only guest…and she breaks up with him. His gaslighting superpowers are no match for her plainspoken, “you’re giving me red flags, drama, ok bye, drama” attitude. Joe then goes to Joshua and calls Samantha a bitch about twenty times. Happy birthday, Joe, enjoy being a single foot. Also, everyone enjoy this extremely sad cake.

He’s not the only one who’s about to be broken up with! Jade and Tanner’s bliss is leading the other women to want relationships, too! Ashley I. is going to want that, except Jared is not over Kaitlyn, he tells the guys, and he doesn’t think “it’s there” for him with Ashley I. So the cute date she thinks she’s going on with him is…not a date, it’s a Bachelor in Paradise pseudo-breakup for the pseudo-relationship.

Monday night, we open on Tenley and Carly doing some sort of synchronized swimming dance thing on a couch. Their crotches get black boxes during the dance even though they’re wearing shorts. Is ABC morally opposed to camel toe? I guess if you don’t stand for anti-camel toe, you’ll fall on…wait…never mind.

Carly gives us the relationship rundown! Carly and Kirk, Joshua and Tenley, Jade and Tanner, Mikey T. and Juelia, Ashley S. and Nick, Dan and Amber. It’s paradise! “But not for everyone,” and the dark storm clouds roll in! Jared and Ashley I. broke up so Ashley I. is dying. Samantha broke up with Joe, you will recall. Ashley I. tries to be friends with Joe over their shared misery but, as usual, Joe makes it worse by shrugging and telling her to get over it.

“I’m gonna be ruined forever,” Ashley I. sobs. She also seeks the wise counsel of Jorge, who points out that the girls give out roses this week, so, you know, chill the fuck out. She can’t find any chill, though. It’s too humid.

Juelia and Mikey T. get to go on a date to Guadalajara! I personally enjoy typing out “Guadalajara” more than I enjoy typing “Juelia.” WHY THE E? WHY? I look it up and find out and it’s about her grandfather and I’d say I feel bad but I don’t. I will lay off the name, though. Gonna type the hell out of Guadalajara now. Their date is seeing Lucha Libre wrestling (which would be AWESOME!!) and they spend the night together.

Joe uses his diabolical sociopathy to fixate heavily on Samantha’s rejection of him. When she fails to respond positively to him demanding explanations and then attempting to “start over” by pretending not to know her, he loses his mind. He attempts to blackmail her, seemingly unaware of how insane and stupid that is.

Okay this week I have to watch After Paradise due to the possibility of JJ being on and I guess for the announcement of the next bachelor, so look at all the extra recap you’re getting!

Aside from our host Harrison, there is a lady author; a “celebrity fan” who is apparently the newest contestant on the elimination game show that is The View; and Dan!

I wanted it to be JJ but I guess Dan will do. He will have to answer for not marrying Ashley S.2The View woman gives him a rose. I am fascinated by the set, which seems to include a basket of magazines, with Architecture magazine displayed prominently, next to Harrison. Why magazines?

We hear from Kaitlyn, live! in an airport, and she mentions “cold Joe.” Dan and The View woman continue flirting. Questions from the general public for Dan include “how did you keep your hair so perfect?” “what do you look for in a women [sic]?” The phone line is 1-844-ROSE-TALK. It’s too good. I’m pretty sure every caller is a white female republican. While we’re waiting to hear from evil Joe, I wonder what Dan would look like without the beard.

True story: during the recap I thought about tracking the number of times Samantha said the WORD OF THE DAY, “drama,” but was, in the end, too lazy. After Paradise has a “drama” counter! Thank you, Bachelor Nation producers. You understand what I need. The final count is 20! Yay drama!

And here’s Joe! Harrison cuts to the bone: “How do you feel about yourself?” “I’m disgusted,” Joe says, and carves out some of the flesh on his stomach to offer to the salivating crowd. I’ve seen televised interviews with murderers that don’t go so far into their motives and secret shame as this one goes into Joe’s. The lady author points out that Joe was extra super nuts over someone he never met. Joe apologizes a bunch! Then Juelia comes out to give him stink eye!

Nick shows up, simply for trolling purposes because they’re also announcing the next Bachelor tonight, but I am not fooled, Harrison. When Harrison brings out new Bachelor Ben Higgins, Harrison says “I’m 90% certain we just broke Twitter.” You wish, Harrison.

Amy Schumer is the final telephonic celebrity guest of the evening and she offers to have phone sex with Ben. While they’re doing that I’m trying to stay awake because Ben is a perfectly nice but totally boring guy. I still think the Bachelor should’ve been Tom Cruise. #Topical #Humor

Next week: Samantha will be on After Paradise! She will stare blankly at Harrison for one hour before quietly intoning, “drrrraaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaa.” See you then!

Please recall I have seen exactly two seasons of The Bachelor(ette). ↩

He does, and the reason is because they were “not compatible” which I refuse to believe because the queen of my heart Ashley S. is compatible with EVERYONE. ↩