Friday, 10 September 2010

Things video games teach us

3. If you’re 14, have hair covering your eyes and live in a small village, man up, because you’re going to have to save the world.

4. Medicine became obsolete in the year 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a wall caused human health to regenerate to 100%.

5. Eating stuff found on the floor is good for you – your parents were wrong.

6. Sometime in the future, Earth will be menaced by hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to despatch one brave hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.

7. Winners don’t use drugs.

8. Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the fire escape.

9. Enemies, rather than approach you directly, behave like Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) on a conveyor belt.

10. Keycards are only manufactured in primary colors.

11. Tanks will go faster if you turn the turret backwards and keep firing.

12. Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.

13. Most guards forget you unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for 20 seconds.

14. It’s surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.

15. When you get shot, you don’t feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.

16. If a crown princess is abducted by political dissidents or terrorists it is advisable to avoid using Special Forces and instead hire the services of an Italian plumber or a dizzy egg.

17. Firearms are most simply reloaded by pointing them at the wall and pulling the trigger.

18. Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than the crate itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the crate with no supporting packing material.

19. If you’re stuck in life and don’t know what to do, simply attempt to use every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way you came. You’ve clearly missed something.

20. You can jump twice your own height, but water will kill you instantly.

21. Wrexham can win the Champions League if you have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load (non-UK folk may not get this one).

22. Jumping on turtles’ heads is socially acceptable. Unless it’s being used as a euphemism for needing the toilet.

23. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t gain experience and knowledge by education and hard work. You get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.

24. Princesses float farther than plumbers.

25. Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored, with a low centre of gravity, but a bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponry.

26. Large men are slow but strong; women are fast but weak.

27. When you look down, you can’t see your feet.

28. Explosives don’t work on doors unless they’re a bit shinier than the other doors.

29. If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the top floor.

30. No girls.

31. Always be sure to smash any crates you come across, they will always contain good things.

32. Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.

33. Contrary to the strict regulations you might think pilots have to adhere to, you can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate Bridge without getting in trouble.

34. War is the best fun ever.

35. It doesn’t matter where you shoot someone, even if it’s in the foot, as long as you do it enough times there will eventually be an immediate transition between alive and dead.

36. There is no practical difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.

37. In medieval times, women regularly fought in wars, wearing armor that afforded them equal protection to suits of plate mail worn by men, despite only covering about 3 inches of skin.

38. Most martial arts will teach you how to throw fireballs at about green belt level.

39. Roman and medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers by clicking giant arrows.

40. Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, aliens and the living dead.

41. When your life ends you will be given 10 seconds to decide whether you fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost you some change).

42. As long as you are wearing at least one ring you will never die.

43. Pulling out a weapon makes you see a + sign wherever you look.

44. Running from side to side or backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.

45. Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.

46. Graveyard zombies are predatory homosexuals, who’ll strip you down to your Y-fronts.

47. Bus-loads of people will turn up to a mostly empty field to see a man in a hippo costume stand next to a mail box.

48. Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they will betray you eventually.

49. You can only use a pair of skis once and the only shop selling them at resorts is invariably on the other side of a busy motorway with no visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.

50. Not only is it perfectly normal for animals to talk, but their default attitude is “sassy”.