Sunday, April 10, 2016

1st 5 Pages April Workshop - Bea Rev 1

Name: Kimberly BeaGenre: Young Adult FantasyTitle: Walking on Knives

Neri's body cut through the water with the speed of a sailfish. She dove behind a giant rock formation with the tip of her tail sticking out. If hiding from a predator, she would have stayed behind the rocks completely, silver scales scattering light and her green-black hair waving like sea grass around her. But no predator was in her wake, only her elder sister, Twyla. Neri had every intention of being found.

She waited behind the rocks and curled her fingers into the seaweed, giggling when fish swam past her belly. Hurry up, Twyla. And she bobbed up and down like kelp. It's my turn to chase after you, and there are places I want to explore!

When Twyla still didn't come, Neri's impatience turned to worry. Was there a shark or squid she hadn't seen? Twyla wasn't as good a fighter as she was, despite being three years older; she had never needed to be. Twyla lived in the Sea King's palace: protected, guarded, cherished.

Neri lived on the ocean floor, in a cave filled with human bones.Where was that girl? Neri didn’t like to waste a moment when Twyla got herself away from the palace. She scoured the murky waters for a glimpse of her sister or for a predator she'd have to fight off. If something happened to Twyla, Neri couldn't live with herself.She would really be on her own. No one but the Sea Hag and drowned sailors to keep her company.

She pushed out from behind the rocks, swimming like a shark was after her--until she propelled herself straight into Twyla's arms.Twyla giggled, silver eyes twinkling as she encircled Neri in a soft embrace. "I caught you!" Neri glowered and made a half-hearted attempt to shake her off. "I thought something got you." But the corners of her mouth curled up, and soon she was giggling, too. Twyla had got her, all right. The girls laughed together for a moment, then Neri pushed away slightly. "My turn now." Her tail twitched to get moving again. She longed to plunge deeper into the ocean depths, to show her sister the twilight realm few mer explored.But Twyla kept hold of her arm. "My little Neri." She smiled and stroked the side of Neri's face. "You do worry so. I will miss that.""Miss it? I'm not going anywhere." Neri laughed, then stopped since Twyla wasn’t. "Are you?" Twyla's face was placid, like the figurehead of a ship. "I will be sixteen soon. Father wishes me to wed.""No.” Neri set her jaw and looked away. "It can't be time yet." Hadn't they just been through it with Opal? No, that must have been two years ago. Marriage was always stealing Neri's sisters away. Some of them she had never even met.Twyla sighed. "I am a princess. This is my duty." And what did Neri care for duty? She only cared that she would be losing her very last friend. She kept shaking her head.Twyla patted her shoulder. "At least he will not send me away.""Won’t he?" Father, give up a chance to use a daughter as a bargaining tool? That was unheard of. Only Neri had escaped—because he refused to acknowledge her birth.Twyla gave a bitter laugh. "Father has chosen to keep me close at hand.” Unlike Opal, whom he’d sent to the Northern Sea, or the other five sisters Neri had never even met.

Hope arose in Neri’s breast, then receded like the tide. “Not Megakles.” Prince of the Middlesea. The only ruler close to home.Twyla's smile faded. "Megakles is not a kind man. They say he kills dolphins for sport, and swallows anemones whole. His brother died from poison. They say it was a jellyfish, but there was no sign of a wound. Oh, Neri, he frightens me so." Her breath came in small, uneven gasps.“Father would never risk your safety, to even to ensure Megakles’ loyalty. And Megakles would never risk offending the king.” Neri patted Twyla’s arm. "You'll charm him like you have the rest of us. Who would ever be unkind to you?"Twyla nodded and stared down at her fluke.Neri gave her a playful punch on the chin. "And if he is, you come find me. I'll show him a thing or two." Twyla gave a weak chuckle, then hiccupped. "Tough . . . Little . . . Neri." She wasn't breathing the way she ought to. She took in water, but it didn't come out her gills; she had to spit it out or swallow it, like a human. And when humans took in sea water, they drowned.“Not again!” Neri put one hand on either side of Twyla's neck and massaged her gills.Twyla gulped. “This is why—” She sputtered, spat out the water and tried again. “This is why Father— “

“I know. This is why Father wants to keep you close.” This was why Neri wanted to keep her close, too, but it seemed she wouldn’t get that chance. “Don’t try to talk. Just let me help you get unstuck.”

But no matter how Neri rubbed, Twyla kept gasping and gulping. What did they do now?Find the Sea Hag. If the Hag was in her grotto, not wandering the ocean as she was wont to do. Head for the surface. There the mer used lungs, not gills.

Twyla gulped water, coughed it out again, wheezing with the effort. Her gills strained to open, her skin was pale as a drowned man’s, and her eyes—her eyes stared blindly, like one of the human dead.Neri backed up to Twyla and threw her arms over her shoulders. “You breathe, I’ll swim.” At once they began their ascent.Up through the swaying kelp forest she swam, past floating jellyfish and clutching polyps. Neri swam ever upward, heedless of any plants or fish she passed along the way. Until at last the canopy of the surface hung above them, brighter than a school of lanternfish. And just as Neri swam towards it, strokes away from her first glimpse of unfiltered sun, Twyla whispered, “No.”

And then a huge gulp, and the sound of water pushing out her gills.Neri released Twyla and turned to face her. Twyla's gills worked hard as she gasped and gulped. Her body twitched as it re-taught itself to function.

What mattered most is it did function again."Are you all right now?" Neri touched the side of her face, stroked her silvery hair. "I'll still take you up there if you need.""No." Twyla's color was better; her breath getting back to normal. "I think I will be fine."

“We better not go exploring after all. And I can't take you back to my cave." Her home was beneath the sunlit ocean, in the twilight where the night hunters and phosphorescent creatures dwelt. Much too cold for Twyla, particularly after the scare she’d just had. "I'd better take you home."Twyla's eyes were sad, but there was a noticeable relaxing of her brows. "I am so sorry. I wanted to visit with you.""Breathing is a bigger priority." Neri was too worn out to conceal her disappointment. "And you're not swimming back to the palace by yourself."

10 comments:

I know why Twyla's gills locked up! I think this works better. I also liked the world building:

Up through the swaying kelp forest she swam, past floating jellyfish and clutching polyps.

Good stuff.

What's that line about opening your mouth and proving you’re an idiot, rather than staying quiet and keeping them guessing? So, is this a re-telling, a re-imagining of Hans Christian Anderson tale, or something new?

I still feel like there could be more tension. The sea is a very dangerous place. Even with Twyla's medical emergency I didn't feel the danger as much as I could have. Maybe that was because of the abruptness in which it happened? I'm not sure.

Yep, this is a retelling of the Anderson tale, set in a fantasy world a few steps away from our Regency/Victorian Europe (same technology, none of the same countries, political structures, people). The Middlesea is my fantasy version of the Mediterranean, hence some of the Greek-ish names.

A fluke is the triangular bit at the bottom of a whale's tail. I have seen it used for that part of a mermaid's tail as well, but if it's not in common usage, I could just say "tail" instead.

Thank you for catching that repetition. I meant to cut out the first "sisters she had never met" but I guess I forgot to. And the punch is supposed to be a playful jab, not a true punch, but if it's not coming across like that, I'll come up with something else.

Kimberly, you’ve done a great job with this revision! The imagery is just right – not overdone, and so descriptive. I loved the line - Twyla's face was placid, like the figurehead of a ship.

The story itself is much clearer to me, and you’ve done a fabulous job highlighting the danger of Megakles – kills dolphins for sport – yikes! I already feel the tension and the stakes, and I don’t want Twyla anywhere near him.

Careful for repetitive words – I counted 3 giggled in the first couple of pages, and in the new – and much improved – description of Megakles, in that short paragraph there is two instances of “They say” – I find reading aloud helps catch those echoes that your eye might not. That also really helps with typos – there’s one in this line ““Father would never risk your safety, to even to ensure Megakles’ loyalty”. There is also a tense issue – “What did they do now?”

You’ve also done a great job of creating tension with Twyla and her gasping for air, it was a very visual and exciting scene!

I think someone suggested last week starting with the line Neri lived on the ocean floor, in a cave filled with human bones. I do think that’s a very powerful opening line, and I wonder what you think about starting there. If you rearrange the story a bit, you could have Neri describe her situation – briefly – such as : Neri lived on the ocean floor, in a cave filled with human bones, her only companions the Sea Hags and the lifeless bodies of the drowned sailors. Not even her sisters were allowed to visit her, her father – for lack of a better word, since he wouldn’t even acknowledge her – wouldn’t allow his precious daughters near such a dangerous place. And then you could segue into how the two sisters meet in secret, and then move to the game of hide and seek. If you rearrange it like this, when you get to the part where Neri is the better fighter, you can add that she had to learn the hard way, she didn’t have guards protecting her from – and then name the predators – sharks? You could even highlight her badass skills a bit by having a school of fish see her and tear off in the other direction or something.

Great job on the revision!! I mentioned last time that your description and imagery is fantastic and you've made it even cleaner and sharper! I still think you should consider using this line as your opener, though.

It's a stunning first sentence and if you grab an agent's attention with a great first line, they are much more likely to keep reading.I think also that you could cut the second paragraph entirely, and move the 3rd down below the 4th that ends with ...couldn't live with herself.You've done a good job upping the cruelty of Mekeles, but Neri seems pretty blasé about her sisters fear of him. It seems like it might work better to have Neri be appalled and furious about having her precious, frail sister married off to a monster--and show Twyla trying to be brave and noble-though Neri knows her well enough to see the fear she hides.The emergency with Twyla's breathing is well done!!But what if you added in a bit more danger? Make us believe they might not make it? Let a sharkCircle or Neri gets snagged in an old piece of netting?Make us nervous that they won't make it!(The visuals as they swim to the surface are just lovely!!)Lastly, when Neri offers to take Twyla home, what if instead, Twyla tells her that it would be too dangerous for Neri to get close to the palace. That Twyla must go alone--Then as she leaves, Neri's terrified she'll never see her again?That would make for a more powerful ending. Of the scene, and help up the tension and the stakes!Just a few suggestions, but you've done some really great work here!! YAYY!!

Hi Kimberly. I am blown away by this revision. So much smoother and great additions in world building. Great job!

I especially like the addition of the line “No one but the Sea Hag and drowned sailors to keep her company.” Such a great depiction of what her life is like. Such a haunting image too (no pun intended.)

After reading the line, "Marriage was always stealing Neri's sisters away. Some of them she had never even met,” I am left wondering why Neri has met two of the sisters and no more. It always brought up a new question of if any other sisters are married. We only know of the two.

I caught a few words echos as well but none different than those already mentioned.

The only other comment is with the abruptness of Twyla’s gills locking up. It seems too frantic of a scene for a condition they already know about. Neri tries to massage her gills. This is why father and Neri want to keep her close, etc. The feel the sense of panic would come after nothing else works.

I am so blown away by this revision! I can see this whole scene unfolding and am absolutely engaged from start to finish. I'm concerned about Twyla, her father, this marriage, Twyla's condition AND I can't wait to meet the sea-hag and see this world (as I mentioned in the last notes). Because of your clarity in this version, I feel like my interest would be piqued enough to want to see much more of this unfold.

I especially love this paragraph: "Up through the swaying kelp forest she swam, past floating jellyfish and clutching polyps. Neri swam ever upward, heedless of any plants or fish she passed along the way. Until at last the canopy of the surface hung above them, brighter than a school of lanternfish. And just as Neri swam towards it, strokes away from her first glimpse of unfiltered sun, Twyla whispered, “No.” So visually satisfying!

I do feel that the line about the bones is fabulous and now feels out of place where it is. I definitely think you should at least try it as your opening line.

Other than that, I'm not sure I understand the mechanics of Neri's relationship to her sisters. Does she really only know Opal and Twyla? Why? And if the answer is yes, then how does it make sense for her to say marriage is always stealing them away?

I also feel we could use one more tiny worldbuilding line when Neri talks about Twyla living in the palace, something about the food she gets to eat (does Neri go hungry?) or the way her tail is shined up. I mean, whatever it is, I think it would serve you to stick that in there for contrast.

Well, I loved this description and characterization in this story the first time around. I love the revision more.As someone mentioned, “they say” in the description of Megakles is repeated. Otherwise, I’d like to know more about why the King wouldn’t recognize Neri when she was born. Someone else wanted to hear more about why she lived where she did. But I’m pulled in enough to keep reading until I got there.Great job!Rebecca

ABOUT THE WORKSHOP

The first five pages of a manuscript may be all that agents, editors, and readers read, so the First Five Pages Workshop for young adult and middle grade fiction is here to help young adult and middle grade writers off to an unputdownable start with the help of three published authors and a literary agent over the course of three weeks.

We have a fabulous list of permanent workshop mentors including award-winners and NYT bestselling authors, two of whom are assigned to every manuscript in the workshop. In addition, we have a guest author each month who mentors all the workshop participants. During the third week, our guest literary agent also critiques not only the pages but also the pitch for the book and picks an overall workshop winner. The agent also chooses the strongest manuscript (or manuscripts) and awards a partial critique to an overall winner with potential priority submission opportunities for other selected participants, so not only is this a great learning opportunity, it's a great chance to get your novel published.

Keep up on Twitter

FREE FIRST FIVE PAGES WORKSHOP

Our May workshop will open for submissions on Saturday, May 5th at noon, EST. Participants will be mentored by two published authors through three rounds of revisions and receive additional feedback from our literary agent mentor on their first five pages and their pitch.The agent mentor will offer additional feedback to the best of the five manuscripts in the workshop.