What a lovely concept is mainstream rock: all that subversive stuff was fun for a while, but isn't rock much lovelier now that it's straightened up and joined the hegemony? Hey, let's rank it by units sold to determine its relative merit! Here's a look at the week's Top Seven — as we know, Top Seven lists are less granular but ultimately more accurate than Top 10s.

1. GREEN DAY, "KNOW YOUR ENEMY" | Do we demand no more of our tunes than this? These guys were never much lauded for their groundbreaking melodies, but many have boasted that rare quality of instant familiarity — credit either the band's I-coulda-thoughta-that simplicity or their unabashed plagiarism. This, however, has all the charm and half the sophistication of a monophonic ringtone from 1998 — "Holiday" sounds like Rachmaninov by comparison. They pick a single melodic scrap — about a quarter of a tune, by generous estimate — and belabor the shit out of it. It feels half-cocked and unresolved, with the same maddening mental effect as hearing just the first three lines of a limerick.

2. PAPA ROACH, "LIFELINE" | Speaking of unabashed plagiarism . . . Actually, I'm of the mind that, coincidences aside, most song ripoffs are in the "My Sweet Lord" vein: a musician hears a tune and commits it to the subconscious, then regurgitates it with the sincere belief that it's original. I can allow that Papa Roach swiped the riff of the 2004 hit "Everybody's Changing" in all innocence, but I do hope they're racked with humiliation upon realizing that they accidentally ripped off a goddamn Keane song. Despite being all conceivable dimensions of entirely awful, "Lifeline" does have the unprecedented distinction of making Keane sound good by comparison.

4. DISTURBED, "THE NIGHT" | Weeks ago, I remarked that "Indestructible" sounded pretty much like every other Disturbed track. I'm delighted to report that this one reaches a little farther, with some added vocal bombast and a slightly more ripping fingertap solo. Needless to say, it's still terrible, but after a decade of near-identical horseshit from these guys, I'm giving them a little credit for aspiring to an ever so slightly modified blend of crap.

5. SEETHER, "CARELESS WHISPER" | Yes, it's a post-grunge, butt-rock Wham! cover. If that alone doesn't rankle the ol' intellect, find it on YouTube for some amazing comments from rocker homophobes going out of their way to proclaim their hatred for the original: "george michel is a gay faggot seether made this song great." "[Seether] remade a crappy song and made it great. you can probably find the original wham version in the mens room next to george michaels kneeling behind a glory hole." In the hard-rockin' Wham! category, this cover's embarrassing, po-faced sincerity puts it a distant second to Limp Bizkit's winking "Faith." Which is about the gravest insult one can levy against a piece of music.

American Idiot rocks out As the crowd spilled in for Tuesday night's Boston premiere of Green Day's American Idiot , necks craned and fingers pointed, mohawked guys in their mid-30s and elderly couples jostled for their seats alongside teenage girls in plaid skirts and suspenders.

The Big Hurt: A healthy death A member of the recently reunited BACKSTREET BOYS — the really Christian one who looks like the Beast from that 1980s Beauty and the Beast TV show — has swine flu. That doesn't even come close to being sufficient punishment for his many aesthetic atrocities (which include his face), but it'll do for the moment.

The Big Hurt: Dialing up Billboard’s Ringtones Chart We may scoff at the very idea of Billboard ’s ignominious Ringtones chart, but mobile phones are one of only three viable revenue channels musicians have left these days (the other two being commercial licensing and crooked charities).

Review: Green Day: Rock Band Activision has pumped out rhythm games centered on a single band — Aerosmith, Metallica, and Van Halen have all had their own Guitar Hero . Harmonix has offered only The Beatles: Rock Band . Until now.

The Big Hurt: Alternative rock songs I got up this morning filled with a furious hatred of alt-rock — I was tossing and turning half the night with Third Eye Blind's "Semicharmed Life" stuck in my head, a torment I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Wrote a song for everyone Political experts know the most important factor in a successful race for governor is the campaign song.

THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER | February 26, 2013 I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.

THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS | February 20, 2013 Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.