As with most things in Middle-Aged-Woman World, there are rules that must be followed when it comes to the drinking of the wine. These rules are akin to the regulations for tax deductions. If you want to make the most of the situation you need to know both the laws and the various interpretations and exemptions.

If you are new to Middle-Aged Woman World, let me start by saying “Welcome”. And allow me to begin your education by recommending that you have a Women-Only Get-Together to celebrate the birthday, gray hair, or forehead wrinkle that signified your entrance to the group.

At the Women-Only Get-Together no one has to drink orange juice so they can monitor the potentially inappropriate behaviour of a spouse, and no one has to cook a giant meal because everyone noshes exclusively on cheese, hummus, and other items that can be slid onto a cracker. And every invitee brings a bottle of wine… two if it’s made in their basement using a kit.

After a few glasses of wine, a roomful of women are apt to dish the dirt on damn near anything, so rule #1 has NO EXEMPTIONS.

Of course, from a practical standpoint, there are not enough Women-Only Get-Togethers to satisfy the previously identified enthusiasm for wine drinking, so a series of rules (and interpretations and exemptions) have been developed to broaden the opportunities:

Wine Drinking Rule #2: Wine can be consumed while preparing dinner.

Or while waiting for the ordered-in pizza to arrive. Or while looking through cookbooks. Or while talking to a friend while she is preparing/ordering/pondering dinner.

Wine Drinking Rule #3: Wine can be consumed during “happy hour”.

While the narrow interpretation sets this at 5:00pm, time zone exemptions may apply. For instance, if you are chatting/Skyping/texting with a friend from an earlier time zone, that person’s zone may be applied. Sure it may be 2pm in Nova Scotia, but if it’s 7pm in Denmark!

There are also rules related to the volume of consumption:

Wine Drinking Rule #4: No middle-aged woman drinks more than two glasses of wine.

However, unlike the bottle of beer, the glass of wine, as a measurement, is open to interpretation. While beer drinkers seem to take a certain pride in tracking their consumption, wine drinkers silently sip from a single glass that is never full, but never empty. Which leads to…

At a group gathering, even a half-decent hostess works the room with the silent efficiency of a samurai warrior, armed with a merlot sword. And yes… there are women who coyly smile and request “just half a glass” but that half glass stays as perpetually replenished as the others so the point is mute. Note that rule #5 also applies to women enjoying their one 5-ounce glass of wine each day “for health benefits”.

The hangover is the effect of over-indulgence and, as already explained, middle-aged women drink only reasonable amounts, at prescribed times, often for health benefits. Therefore, they do not suffer hangovers!

However, there may be the occasional morning after a Women-Only Get-Together, or after an evening of extended food preparation, when certain hangover-like symptoms may occur as a result of one of the following:

Food poisoning (probably something related to the hummus because most of the women at the Women-Only Get-Together will report similar symptoms)

An especially contagious strain of the flu (which is clearly “going around” because most of the women at the Women-Only Get-Together will report similar symptoms)

Tannins in the wine (This is a particularly common problem. The ubiquitous, toxic tannins can crop up at any time. Following a tannin attack, a group of women may have to completely switch off one country or another, or experiment with ‘organic’ wines for a time).

Wine Drinking Rule #7: NONE OF THE RULES APPLY TO WOMEN OVER 65.

There is a universal understanding amongst women that 65 is the golden age at which we all officially say F*** IT to all of the rules. Women over 65 can have wine with their morning toast and God protect the man who comments on it!

Women over 65 are apt to enjoy wine while gardening, painting, playing bridge, and posting on Facebook. They may consume wine from travel mugs while sitting on the beach or going for a walk. And stewardesses are known to slip them extra mini-bottles just to save time on flights.

These are the rules. Just sayin’.

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Oh… maybe I forgot to mention a few of the rules on that one (because again… all middle-aged women concepts have rules). For each child in your house, subtract 2 years. So for instance, as someone with 3 children, I am able to say F***It at 65-6 = 59. If there are adult-aged children in the home, or if there have been adult-aged children in the home in the past (these do not have to be blood relatives!), you can deduct an additional 2 years per experience. That’s another 4 for me. 59-4 = 55. There is also a spousal deduction of 3 years per marriage. Having had only one husband that takes me to 55-3 = 52. So I will be having my official F***It birthday in 2016!

Seriously, Kim, you should be on TV. Your witty writings make me laugh and I wish so many more women could read these and experience that feeling of sitting there reading what we all secretly think inside. Thank you again.

This post actually went viral. Has been shared over 2000 times on Facebook and I am getting 1500+ visits a day from people reading it. The internet is indeed an interesting, wild-wild-west sort of place, eh? Glad it brought us together. Just added you to my friends!

When I make dinner without wine, it feels like one more item on the ‘to do’ list of my life. Add the glass of wine and it becomes ‘how I wind down’ after a long work day. Suddenly I feel like adding a little music too.

Wine and music is exactly how I cook too. As much as I love to cook, it stressed me out. I want to be sure that everyone will love it and it is perfect (control much?) and the wine and music allow for the distraction I need to enjoy the process and the meal. Go wine!!

Great article to share with my middle aged girlfriends! And I have to tell you I had a little schnauzer “Chuckie” ( female) who looked just like yours! She was such a sweetie. Now we have a Corgi, Rosie. Loved the article, looking forward for more great reading material, sign me up. Oh and you’re right, I never admit to my Dr. how many glasses of medicinal wine!

Saw this today on FB and shared it. I hope it goes crazy viral. You are very funny. I just read “It’s 2015” and can really identify… An RBC asst. manager called me in years ago and suggested ways to save myself money in interest and the bank to earn less. A very nice woman. And I actually had someone a few years ago ask me to bring my husband in to test drive a car…. On a recent service visit to Mazda, I was offered a test drive whenever I wanted by a nice salesman, living in 2015.

Include me in as one of those that found your link via Facebook. You say it’s gone viral.. but we all know it’s just a wine hangover. Great post. Thanks for the laughs.. and more than just a touch of reality. 🙂

I love this Wine article and I enjoyed reading it with my first glass of wine in my hand. It was red, dry and delicious. Then my friend came over for a visit so we had some wine. While when dinner was cooking I sat down and picked up my book, hard to hold a wine glass in one hand and a book in the other. I had to put my glass down to turn the page..Husband came home, we sat down to eat when he jumped up and brought me a wine glass and poured me some.’ you don’t have any wine, he said…
Thank you dear. Later on, I enjoyed a leisurly relaxing bath with my friend Apothic Red. Here’s to wine Ladies
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