No Coffee #5: The San Francisco 49ers

You can stay away from the coffee too, 49ers. Back right the fuck off and sit down. Think you deserve coffee? Well, I’ve got some news: coffee is for closers and I don’t see you doing a hell of a lot of closing. I mean, to be frank I know fuck all about the ridiculous kind of football you people play, but for a minute back there you might’ve got me interested cos I went to see you and I had a pretty good time, thanks. Beating the St Louis Rams 26-0 seemed pretty goddamn impressive at the time. But was I fucking wrong or what? Jesus Christ, what a bunch of dickless assholes. Yeah stop and think about that image for moment, but no fucking drinking while you’re thinking cos you know who gets coffee and it’s not you. Last time I waste an afternoon craning my neck around a bunch of twats in a bar to watch some “Conference Final,” only to see you chumps fuck the thing up. Waste of fucking space. Come back and have some coffee when you learn to close. What? You didn’t have an elite quarterback and noone expected you to do so well last season? Shut the fuck up. Closers don’t complain about that shit. They close. Look across town, who d’you see? The fucking Giants, that’s who. Noone thought they were good enough to win the World Series, they didn’t play orthodox fucking baseball, they couldn’t attack for shit. Guess what? Yeah you guessed. Giants: closers. Hey, Giants! Come round and get some coffee any time. No fucking problem. 9ers, come back when you aren’t a bunch of bitches.