BREAKING: “So er, how do I turn it on?” asks Thames Barrier Operator

London Thames Barrier staff have leapt into action in an attempt to defend the capital from flood waters by asking how to close the never used before Thames Barrier, as the chief operator mused “yeah, so …what do we actually do to work it?”.

As southern England experiences record levels of rainfall, much of London remains exposed until someone can figure out how to work the gates.

In all things weather-worded The Environment Agency is at the middle of a governmental shitstorm, coming under heavy criticism for its perceived inaction to protect areas of Berkshire from heavy rainfall. The agency remains under pressure to not repeat its mistakes again, as the end-of-days weather – or “some rain”, as it’s called in the north – continues to fall on the capital.

This afternoon a spokesman has pledged swift action from the agency from now on, adding: “Let me be clear. No amount of rainfall will fuck up the opening credits of Eastenders, once the barrier is working at least. Of that we can assure people.”

“We just need to close the thing …actually are there any lock-keepers about?”