Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking fordirections to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I wasassured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili!wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriouslyJudge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer whenthey saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods! not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind meneeded paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue frombleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers.Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with asnow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I amworried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he iscursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Notsure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report