Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)As you recount the anecdote of the time Truman Capote fell out with Robert Frost to the Norwegian ambassador over a glass of Chablis, you’re fired on the spot for not handing out a single vol au vent all evening.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)Can you tell me the latest developments in the new series of 90210? You can? Oh that’s wonderful. What time would you like me to set fire to you?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)This week when you arrive an hour late for work reeking of last night’s Bacardi and with a suspicious-looking sore on your lip, don’t forget to blame the whole thing on Britain’s lust for empire.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)Your hubris at reaching the quarter finals of the Champion’s League is finally destroyed when you have to play an actual football team.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)The discovery of a new planet just beyond the orbit of Pluto finally explains your latent homosexuality.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)You’re right it does seem like an impossible dilemma which could threaten to derail your carefully assembled happiness. But I do think you should try the muesli.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)This week, hire an intern on the basis of nepotism and then make their life utter fucking hell.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)No, I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for a boss to schedule a one-to-one meeting for 4.45 on a Friday afternoon where they ask you to bring a cardboard box and there’s a security guard hovering at the door. You’ve earned that promotion.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)As a fresh-faced teenager finishing your A-levels, this summer promises to be an exciting time seeing new places, meeting new people and accepting your place on the bottom rung of the prison ladder. When they ask if you packed your own bag they aren’t being nosey.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)I was tidying my snuggery and I found this catalogue for sex swings. Can you give it back to your mum? Cheers.