The Confession

Oprah Winfrey rests perched upon her sofa. Lance Amrstrong sits, arms crossed upon his bicycle. A crowd of 50-something year old women watch with baited breathe.

OPRAH: We welcome you back to the show, I’m here with Lance Armstrong, cycling superstar.

Lance Armstrong tilts his head down and raises his right fist.

OPRAH: Now, we spent the first segment of our show politely asking Mr. Armstrong to get off his bike and take a seat on…

LANCE: BICYCLE!

OPRAH: Excuse me?

LANCE: My bicycle. A bike is a child’s toy. This is my tool upon which I shower the world with my greatness.

OPRAH: Well that greatness has been tainted with you coming out just hours earlier and admitting to your charity, Livestrong, that you did indeed use performance enhancing drugs during your amazing Tour De France races. How did that feel?

LANCE: It felt horrible Oprah. Looking at the faces of employees that made me the money I have today and allowed me to be inside Sheryl Crow for what seemed like forever, and telling them that I cheated was awful. Have you ever kicked a baby panda in the face Oprah?

OPRAH: Excuse me, no never!?

LANCE: It’s stress relieving but you feel just horrible about it. That’s what confessing these truths is like.

OPRAH: So, is there something you would like to say to me, and the audience, and your fans?

Lance looks down, away. He stymies a cry.

OPRAH: Come now, you can tell me anything.

Lance’s gaze rises to meet Oprah’s.

LANCE: May I jump up on your couch?

OPRAH: What? No! No more couch jumpers.

Without hesitation Lance leaps from his bicycle to the couch and begins jumping maniacally.

LANCE: I CHEATED!!! I CHEATED!!! I’M IN LOVE AND I CHEATED!!!

The crowd comes alive, showering Lance with approving applause.

OPRAH: Get down from my couch right this instant! Who do you think you are, Tom Cruise??

LANCE: I AM TOM CRUISE!!

The crowd chants “Cruise! Cruise!” with every emphatic jump from Lance.

OPRAH: You are not Tom Cruise!

Lance Armstrong stops jumping and whips out a gun. He points it at Oprah. The crowd falls from pure jubilation to a fearful hush.

LANCE: I am Tom Cruise!

Lance Armstrong then waves the gun towards the audience.

LANCE: AND IF ANY OF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT I CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU JUST LIKE I TOOK CARE OF MY CANCER! I USED THIS VERY GUN TO SHOOT OFF MY TESTICLE, AND I’LL USE IT ON EVERY ONE OF YOU IF YOU DON’T CALL ME TOM CRUISE!

Lance Armstrong gets down from the couch and begins to walk towards the crowd. He grabs an eldery woman seated in his path.

LANCE: What is my name?

WOMAN: T-t-t-t-tom Cruuuuuuisssee…::begins weeping::

LANCE: Say it again. Louder.

WOMAN: TOM CRUISE!!!!

The back door to the studio bursts open. Patrick Stewart enters.

PATRICK: You don’t have to do this, Tom. It doesn’t have to be like this.

The crowd gasps as a Lance Armstrong mask falls to the ground. Tom Cruise shoulders his gun.

TOM CRUISE: Charles, I knew you’d find me. Or perhaps… I wanted to be found.

PATRICK: For the last time Tom, my name is Patrick Stewart. You need to come back home Tom, to Hollywood.

CRUISE: Why, to be paraded around like the messiah I rightfully am?

Patrick Stewart takes out a dog whistle and begins to blow. Tom Cruise falls to his knees. The crowd remains stunned, too silent to react.

CRUISE: CHARLES NOOO!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES!!!

Tom Cruise lays on the ground lifeless. Patrick Stewart retrieves his body and silently carries him out of the studio. Oprah emerges from behind her sofa.

OPRAH: Well, that was intense. Almost as intense as the gift I am giving AAAAAAALLLLL OFFFF YOUUUU!!!!

The crowd goes wild.

OPRAH: If you look under your seats you will find a gift certificate to a REAAAAAALLLL LIIIIIIFEE CHRISTIAAAAN GREEEEYYY ESCOOORRT!!!

The crowd begins ripping up their chairs and clamoring at the bottoms. Some women begin fighting over the gift certificates. Streamers fall as music plays.