The Childfree Christian

My husband and I don’t have children.

My husband and I, unless God surprises us in a miraculous way, won’t have children.

This isn’t something we feel badly about. For whatever reason, having children is not a desire that God laid on either of our hearts, not in the entirety of our courtship or marriage. When he confessed to me long before we got married that he didn’t feel particularly led by God to be a father, I admitted I didn’t feel particularly led by God to become a mother – and here we are, 33 and 32, and childless by choice.

We’re confident and comfortable that this is the plan God has for us. We’re also aware that not having children makes us outliers in God’s body. And that’s why I wanted to write this post.

Here’s what you need to know about the childfree Christians among you:

1. We like kids. Love ’em, even. Or at least some of us do. I can’t speak for every childfree Christian, but there’s a perception that all people who choose not to have children actively despise children. I don’t! I take a lot of joy in children. I’ve taught VBS and elementary-level Sunday School classes; I once read an entire picture book about knights and dragons with a little one I know who is part of a family in our church. Being childfree doesn’t mean we don’t like kids or don’t want to be around them. And hey, remember: the folks without kids, who like kids, have an awful lot of love and energy to give when it comes time to volunteer for children’s ministries. Don’t forget them!

2. People don’t have children for a multitude of reasons. For my husband and I, the matter is a God-led personal choice. But for other families, not having children isn’t a choice. Some couples struggle with infertility and other physical ailments. Some couples struggle with family histories or mental illness that make them wary of introducing children into the world. The point is that there’s no one-size-fits-all reason, and it’s good to take care and to remember that at the times when the topic might come up.

3. Having children is not necessarily a divine mandate for every couple and whether or not couples do have children is their decision and their business. I know that for many Christians having and raising children is a divine duty. In some denominations (not ours), it is an expected act of faith and a Biblical command. Indeed, if you do have children, I believe it absolutely is a divine duty to raise them as well as you can – and if you feel that God mandates you to do so, then I encourage you to go where He leads. Children are a special blessing and a gift and grace of God. I honor all the couples and families who choose and sacrifice so much to raise them.

But nothing good will come of asking couples why they have chosen not to have children, or telling them that you believe they ought to when they have not. If they are led by God not to conceive, it is not our business to challenge God in the matter; that is between them and the Lord. And if they cannot conceive and wish to do so, bringing the matter into public debate can be painful and upsetting.

4. Couples without children can still aid in the care and raising of children. No, we’re not in the trenches doing the day-to-day work of parenting. But I am a woman with no children and I believe that leaves me with a duty to pray for all of the children in my church, to contribute monetarily to children’s programs, to support families however I can. We are all, childless and with children, a part of one body; it is God’s will for us to support and be kind to each other. Even though we don’t have children, we can support families who do.

5. We all feel alienated and alone sometimes for different reasons. A lot of church life functions around the family. Which is good! Those of us without children are families too. But I’ve been the awkward childless attendee of the “young mothers” small group (that was ostensibly supposed to be for “young women”), and that felt…strange. At church events, when discussions about raising children come to the fore, or a round of “Have you ever [insert parenting adventure here]….?” begins, my husband and I smile and fall silent. We can’t really contribute, and so we just listen.

On the other side of the coin, I had an old friend once tell me that she felt awkward around me. “You have all this work and life stuff to talk about,” she said, “and I have my kids, and I feel like it’s boring for you.” (It wasn’t boring for me. But I had to reassure her of that!)

In church there is really a temptation for us to fall into the groups that are most like us. Mothers congregate with mothers. Youth congregate with youth. But in this case, it’s important for us to make room for each other. The childless folk need to get comfortable, over time, with the conversations and topics that might unintentionally exclude or elude us; similarly, parents need to make an effort to remember and include those of us who don’t have kids. A little bit of effort on both ends goes a long way.

It takes many, many different kinds of people living in different kinds of ways to make the church work. We all have a role to play in God’s great work that is unfolding here on earth. As the Bible instructs, “though many, [we] form one body, and each member belongs to all the others” (Rom. 12:4-5). With children or without, we can reach out to each other and build up the church, and continue to reach out to each other in understanding and in love.

Hah, it’s a good thing to speak out about and I thank you for it! You’re right that fundamentally it’s between couples and the Lord – it doesn’t really impact our ability to minister or to be a part of the church. We’re all in it together.

You’re so right. Whenever I talk to people thinking about getting married, I tell them that it’s smart to discuss the “big” things – kids, finances, in-laws, etc. – waaaaay in advance so there are no surprises later on. Because who knows where the Lord might lead you? Best to keep open communication always – and an open mind, too!

True that. I think sometimes it is abominably rude when they press and ask ‘ why’ even though they are merely curious. My husband and I don’t have children yet I work with children on a daily basis and sometimes hardline Christians can’t seem to wrap their heads around it. Common misconception that childless people ( choice) hate children or that if they are suffering infertility or other issues then they should be miserable with the fact they never had children. It is sad sometimes

I’ve been fortunate enough to not be asked “why,” but some people have asked my parents, haha. I’m always surprised by it!

And yes, the misconceptions are really damaging. I know lots of loving childless-by-choice people who enjoy being around kids, and I know a lot of people who have struggled with fertility but don’t perceive themselves to be miserable or to have failed in some mandate. There’s sometimes so much more diversity within the body than we allow!

I am a believer, 29 y.o., single, male. I want to be child-free when I get married but I see that finding a girl who is a believer and doesn’t want to have children is so damn difficult, almost impossible. Plus I am living in China now which makes it even harder.

I wonder, if there is a dating website or a Facebook group for people like us where we could hang out and may be meet the other half. I am looking for a soulmate and do not agree to compromise my faith and views. But I got to the point when it’s getting so frustrating that I can barely handle it.

Interestingly, I wasn’t strictly child-free when I met my husband – I figured a lot of it would depend on my future spouse and we’d make a decision together. And as it happens, over the years we became convicted that children wasn’t what God wanted us to do. With that being said, our situation was probably rare: I imagine it is SUPER difficult to meet other believers who are outright child-free.

I’m not on Facebook, but I *do* know that there are some childfree Christian Facebook groups out there: it’s where I get a lot of traffic on this post from, haha. Maybe start there? If nothing else people would have some thoughts to offer on your situation, I would think.

I certainly understand where you’re coming from – but regardless of whether you find that girl or not I’m sure God is going to honor your willingness to be thoughtful and to reflect on these things!

I wanted children, but did not get to have them. I didn’t meet the right person when I was young. I wanted to be a missionary, also. Now I see moms with their children and families. Who will take care of me when I’m old? I won’t get to have grandchildren either. Some days are okay, others depressing. Not having children changes the entire trajectory of your life.

It certainly can, and that sounds both painful and difficult. But please be encouraged that there are still ways that you can reach out to children, mentor them, and encourage them – there are so many in need. And you doubtless have so much to give.

As for “who will take care of me when I am old,” I think about that sometimes, too. I try to remember that sometimes even people WITH children don’t have children who are willing to take care of them, and I trust that God will provide the community to help nurture me as I age. It’s definitely a place where the church can offer significant outreach and care (and can do better than they have done in the past) – and who knows? Maybe we folks without children can be a part of leading that. 🙂

Thank you for this article. I’m a mom, but I find it difficult connecting to “fellow young wives and mothers”. I enjoy connecting with everyone, young-old, single-married, male-female. I’ve heard some parents ask me what I have in common with “childless” people? How do I tell them of my boredom hearing endless tales of their kids and husbands?
Most times, we deprive ourselves of good fellowship by “congregating” with those we feel are similar to us.

You’re very welcome! And it’s very true that the best fellowship is often “mixed” fellowship when believers simply come together and get to know each other, rather than basing relationships on perceived commonalities. I’m glad you’ve experienced the blessing of it.

I’m actually male not female but this is a wonderful article for all childless folk in the church, thank you so much for posting. It made me tear up a little seeing other folks that understand. There need to be more ministries out there reaching out to folks like us.

My wife and I both turned 37 this year. We never had children for a variety of reasons, and we are both struggling with that road-not-taken depression right now. We’re in that awkward phase where all of our siblings, cousins and friends keep announcing more bundles of joy and we wonder if we took the wrong path… but I have no doubt at all that we’re following whatever plan the Lord has for us.

At least one benefit is that it’s left us with gobs of free time to give to the church, and we are doing just that. There are other ways to love the world back as Christ first loved us. One does not absolutely HAVE to have children, to do that.

My heart is with you both. That really is such an awkward phase, and a difficult one to navigate – and yet, even within it, so much room for love and warmth and giving! Truly, there is so much potential for families without children – and potential for them to be ministered to, as well. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here.