Sexual desire can be more complicated than you think

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Sometimes getting in the mood can be tricky. While it would certainly be convenient for sexual urges to always materialize out of the blue,a myriad of factors affect a woman’s craving for sex. Stress, birth control, and even being with your partner long-term can all dampen your desire. And some women — and men — enjoy sex but never feel the urge to initiate it. And that’stotally normal, writes sex educator and psychologistEmily Nagoski.

Nagoski argues in her book that we’d all have a better sex life if we moved past the standard narrative that sexual desire is just supposed to happen, no effort required. We probably view this spontaneous sexual style as standard because it’s how most men experience desire, she writes. Feeling a sexual urge before you head to the bedroom is certainly an easier way to get things started, but it can be liberating to know you can still have sex whenever you want, you just need to know what gets you going.

Female sexual desireis complicated. For starters, vaginal arousal doesn’t always correspond with mental desire. That’s one of the reasons why the female version of Viagra doesn’t work very well. The important thing for sexual well-being is not how much you want sex but how much you enjoy the sex you’re having, writes Nagoski.

But if your desire is more responsive than you’d like and you want to take matters into your own hands — or your partner’s — here are some of Nagoski’s tips.

Quit thinking of it as a driveYou might be bored without sex, but you’ll survive without it. Viewing sex as a drive, like hunger, fosters men’s sense of sexual entitlement — since they’re the ones with more spontaneous desires — and makes women with responsive desire seem abnormal, writes Nagoski. She wants people to view sex as more of an “incentive motivation system.” The Incentive Theory of Motivation proposes that some behaviors are encouraged by outside incentives instead of internal drives.

Figure out your desire triggersIf you experience desire spontaneously, then sex is your goal. But if you’re more of a responsive gal, then desire itself can be the destination. And getting there can be fun.

If your desire takes a nosedive every now and then, your context and mental state — not your hormones — is the most likely culprit. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you might need to infuse a little novelty and create some space between you and your partner. Consider spending a couple nights a week doing separate activities.

If you can’t bear to be apart from your love, then travel to a new place or do something that gets your heart rate up, Nagoski suggests. If you ride a roller coaster or go for a run, your body will experiencea general state of arousal that you can transfer to your partner. Exercising in general has been shown toimprove physiological sexual health in women. Getting in shape also offers the added benefit of leading to a more positive body image, which can alsoincrease sexual satisfaction.

You’re fine the way you areNagoski writes that only about 15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire. Most of us experience some mix of responsive and spontaneous. So if you enjoy sex in general, don’t worry too much if your unprompted desire goes missing for awhile — or forever for that matter. Just talk to your partner so you can create a sex-positive environment to figure out what works for the both of you.

Keri Wiginton is a writer and photographer focusing on issues related to women's health, mental well-being, and feminism. Her work has appeared in the Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, Austin-American Statesman, Tampa Bay Times and Houston Chronicle. Follow her work at www.keriwiginton.com or on Twitter at @keriphoto.