Monday, October 13, 2014

I've been having dreams about Abby lately. Normally, I can only vaguely remember them. I always wish they were more clear and it always worries me that I'm actually forgetting things about her because I can't remember the dreams very well.

I want to remember the way she smiled, the way she talked, the way she laughed and played. I know that I will always have a general memory of her, but the scariest thing is forgetting the small things that made her MY Abigail.

Maybe it was a conscious effort on my part, but last night I had a dream that seemed to last the entire night. A dream where I made sure that I looked at her face and in her eyes. I studied her smile and the way her mouth formed her words. I memorized the goofy faces she made when she was talking sarcastically and making jokes. I kissed the bridge of her nose between her eyes, sideways, like I always used to do. I did that again remembering how my kiss seemed to fit perfectly there, and I did it again just to make sure I could remember. I cuddled with her and could actually feel the way she would mold right into me and how she was the best cuddler in the world. We sat on the couch and we watched Paula Zahn on T.V. because Abby loved the way she talked.

During the dream, I knew that she was dead, but I contemplated living in a fake/crazy world where I could just pretend that she was still here with me, no matter what people thought of me. It seemed like a great alternative to reality.

Last night made me more thankful for sleep than I've ever been. I'm hoping that I can continue to use sleep as an alternate reality so that my days don't hurt so much.