Storyteller and Artist in Life

Category Archives: Philosophy

Cannot count the number of times I have been accused of being an Anorexic. I may have an anorexicmind but I have never suffered from Anorexia. To make a long story short, I do not trust my mind further than I can throw it. I definitely do not believe everything I think. That would be absurd!

Maybe that was a bit harsh but cuts right to the chase. By Anorexic I mean suffering from a condition known as Anorexia Nervosa. Anorexia is clinically defined as a psychological eating disorder in which a person has an intense fear of gaining weight and limits calories to the point of near starvation to attain a below-normal body weight. Individuals suffer from a distorted body image, typically coupled with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. To maintain their below-normal body weight, individuals with the disorder severely restrict their eating behavior. Not the picture of health – physically or emotionally. One of my neighbors is a Pediatric Psychiatrist. He boldly stated that any intelligent female in this Western Society will have some body image issues. It starts at a shockingly young age. The beauty and thin image always on display in the media is hard not to notice.

I have never really battled with weight issues. I did a little binging in my teenaged years with some remorse following. This prompted a one-time trial to induce vomiting. It was fortunate that I was caught by my brother. He laughed his head off when he found me in the bathroom in a predicament. I had tied a button to a string. Swallowed it. I thought by pulling on that bad boy, I would induce vomiting. All that happened is the button got stuck with the string hanging out of my mouth. I had a very hard time getting it out. Cannot even explain. I never did throw up. My brother’s authentic ridicule cured me of any bulemic tendency that threatened to formulate. I could not help but join him in laughing. It was absolutely ridiculous. Thanks bro’! I needed a reality check at just that moment.

I was saavy enough that even without Google, I educated myself about eating disorders. I aspired to be thin and attractive but never at the expense of health. I was at my heaviest, outside of being pregnant, at 13 years of age. I weighed 135 pounds. I was a little pudgy but also lifted weights so some was muscle too. Just remembering this fact likely puts me in some category. I got a job when I was 14 years old at Dairy Queen. I had to walk 40 minutes to get there. By the time I started Grade 10, I weighed 120 pounds: my walking weight. Once I became a driver, I fluctuated between 120 – 130 pounds for a couple of decades. This was a healthy weight for my height, five foot seven.

I was quick to recognize that I had the thinking of an Anorexic. I was fully aware of it right away. It was so bizarre to me. I would look in the mirror and see an overweight girl. Then I would see myself in a photo and be surprised that I appeared thin. I just shook my head. What? As a result, I quickly trained myself to ignore my perceptions in the mirror. It did not take too long. For decades, I just ignored my visual perception from mirrors. I learned to not believe my own perception of myself. I came to expect the little surprise when I saw myself in photos. Wow, my body looked great! For my face, it was the other way around. Ignore pictures. Real view better. Whatever…

Late teen years, I developed my long term strategy for weight control. I ate when I was hungry. I stopped eating when I was full. I hated feeling hungry. Even more, I hated feeling full. Never liked buffets as eating to feeling full was more at risk. I preferred quality to quantity. If I felt a little pudgy, gave up all junk food. That was easy!

It has been a regular annoyance over the years when someone gets into the twenty questions with my eating behavior. I often felt like they were assessing if I suffered with Anorexia. My enjoyment of various sports and working out did not help in this regard. The other trick I learned as a young woman was to look at the lifestyle of someone whose body you admire and take on some of their habits. Hello jogging! Tennis looks like fun! That was easy. Loved to jog. Not as much these days but my shoes have made many miles over the years. I talk more about tennis than play but many a round has been enjoyed over the years. I have traveled to tennis camp for a holiday a couple of times. A great way to earn a slice of bacon was to play tennis all day.

Gray Rocks Family Resort – tennis and golf– in St. Jovite, Québec. Mont Tremblant was next door. I looked for a link. The 102 year old resort closed…for good! So sad. The golf courses remain: la belle et la bête. The Beauty and the Beast – cool names. I was there twice, second time with kids. Fantastic place with clay tennis courts and wonderful pros. I am having a little moment here… Looks like I will never again go to the Gray Rocks Resort.

I digress.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think has long been on my list of story titles. I knew the story would be about body image but not too much more. Pictures from Facebook slowly collected over time in a file with this title. The straw that set this story in motion was being reminded recently about a book I love. A friend, known as Norwegian Friend #2 in my stories, had enthusiastically recommended I read the book Anastasia by Vladimir Megré. My response probably took him aback. It would be an understatement to say that I was so excited at this suggestion. I had read the book 3 years ago and absolutely loved it. It was one of three books recommended to me by my Spiritual Advisor within one month of our first meeting. I will elaborate on each of them later. He went so far as to say that reading the book felt good in his soul. Amen! He just hoisted himself way up the list in the male interest department. He lives in a land far, far away so it may not help enough. I could find nobody to take any interest in the book that rocked my world three years ago.

Thoth Egyptian Scribe of the Gods.

I pretty much gave up the idea that I would find a kindred spirit that liked the book. I was just learning about my Scribe Sign. As a total aside, I once took part in a vision quest. The only vision I had was of Thoth. I had no knowledge of him at the time. I saw two figures dancing around a fire. My guess was they were Egyptian. The distinctive beak shape and the jackal head of the other figure allowed me to come home, look up Eqyptian Gods and be blown away as they were both there. Thoth with the head of an Ibis and Anubissporting the head of the Jackal.

Back to the book Anastasia: I searched out the notes I took at that time. Surprisingly, there were only two quotes from the book series. I had borrowed each of the ten books, from either the library or my friend. Over time, I chose to purchase Anastasia, Book One of the series. Anastasia’s specifications and instructions on how to build a beehive were included. I wanted to use them someday. With this exhilarating reminder of the book, I cracked it open. I would scan through it for a second time looking for the Anastasia parts. The author’s voice is soooo 3D and analytical. The magic is with Anastasia. I quickly ran across a quote that had a significant impact on my life.

Anastasia says, “Food should be absolutely of no concern to man. One should eat just as one breathes, not paying attention to nutrition, not distracting one’s thoughts from more important issues.”

Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani. Recommend!! Miracle cure with Xray proof of end stage cancer. So exciting!!!

The quote did not really catch my eye on the first read. I was so inspired by the book, I pretty much forced my daughter, 13 years old at the time, to read it. I recommended she not worry if it was fiction or nonfiction but to keep an open mind. I felt it would aid her in being aware of alternate versions of reality. My daughter really picked up on this quote. I cannot count the times I have heard her say, “we eat as we breath”. I thought I was as laid back as they come in the pester kids about eating department. Leave it to my smart ones to show me where my boundaries are. My daughter began taking on unusual eating behavior shortly thereafter. If I had anything to say about it, she had Anastasia knowledge to quell any concern. When I stopped to really look at it, she ate very healthy foods. She was more disciplined than I was. She now calls herself a vegetarian, a non-militant one. She would not be concerned to eat the occasional meat as a guest somewhere or for celebrations. She never expects anyone to cook special for her. When she and I are alone, we eat vegetarian. When the boys are with us, I eat like the boys.

This is just one example. You can just imagine when you have a teenager armed with this kind of information. To know that her mom is willing to evaluate any and all customs in society. We have some interesting

Hard to know whether your perspective is right…

discussions. I love it! When you teach one kid, the younger ones pick it up too. So even the nine year old will shock me from time to time with his astuteness. Forces me to stay on my toes. Decide where my boundaries are. I rarely come up with boundaries. The kids choices rarely go against my sensibilities. And if they do, they are very receptive to my instructions. In the rare instance, excitement fills the air because I rarely put my foot down. My kids enjoy a lot of freedom. Fantastic! Awareness abounds that a lot of the kids at school live by different rulebooks: yet my treasures are very respectful. Even at their Dad’s house the rulebook is different – absence of manipulative games. They are adaptive. Yeah! Maybe I am biased but that is my perception.

I feel a little sheepish writing about slack parenting 101 or The Idle Parent but my natural instincts in this style of parenting were supported by Anastasia. One of the two quotes I handwrote from the series. I believe the following to be… a Beautiful Truth.

Listen to me now. Believe me later.

Book 5: Ringing Cedars Book of Kin

|…just a sincerely asked question, together with the parent’s desire to hear their child’s answer, is capable of uniting parents with their children – of making them happy – for ever.

This joint quest for happiness is infinite. But even the beginning of the quest can be called a state of happiness.” Anastasia (p. 132)

I know. Too simple, right? Try it.

The other handwritten quote was:

Book 3: Ringing Cedars The Space of Love

“…we are talking about thoughts pure enough to change everything. Today’s reality is the result of yesterday’s thinking.” Anastasia

My experience with the Scribe sign is that when I am urged to write by hand, it is a stronger truth. I am rarely urged to write by hand.

Interestingly the three books I read in short succession three years ago all fall under the theme of Don’t Believe Everything You Think. At that time, I was recently separated, ready to undergo a transformation. I met a woman who pointed me to these three books:

1. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

2. A Course In Miracles by Foundation for Inner Peace

3. Anastasia Book One of The Ringing Cedars Series by Vladimir Megré

Fun fact about Anastasia: My friend who recommended the book had also been very taken with it. Its original printing sported covers that were very flower child in her words. She personally financed and designed the covers that exist today. She has an artist’s eye…

I feel compelled to write a short synopsis of each of these three books.

The Four Agreements are simple and transformative.

First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word.

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Second Agreement: Don’t Take Things Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions.

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Forth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time. Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive. You are going to be good to yourself. You will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. Action is about living fully. Expressing what you are is taking action. Don Miguel Ruiz uses the example of Forrest Gump, one of my top favorite movies of all time. He felt that Forrest did not have great ideas but he took action. An interesting perspective on my beloved character. Hmmmmm….

A Course in Miracles is an unusual book. It claims to be Jesus Christ channeled through Helen Shucman back in 1970. Seems that Jesus had the same concern that I had. He felt the Bible got lost in translation too. I rewrote the Bible myself in my story titled, Lost In Translation. Now the secret is out. I was not the first to come up with the idea. Ha ha. I am sure few are surprised there. The book is three books in one. One part of this synopsis, the workbook, was written as a one year program of deprogramming your mind. There is a daily reading, usually with an exercise. The bottom line is Unlearn All That You Have Learned. Easier said than done. These words along with the energy encoded within aid in this valuable endeavor. Your version of reality may not be the only one available to experience. I somehow attacked that three book combination like a bat out of hell. I read it in three months. I made very few notes. A big concept that these daily exercises and readings were conveying, to my perception, is the Beautiful idea that we are all connected. By healing ourselves, it is the greatest thing we can do for the world. I believe. Transform the individual to transform the world. Just Do You by India Arie. Again… So simple.

The following include all of the handwritten notes I made from this ginormous book. They may not make any sense standing alone but I want to give a wee sampling.

ACIM (A Course In Miracles) Lesson 27

Above all else I want to see.

Vision has no cost to anyone.

It can only bless.

ACIM Lesson 75

The light has come.

I have forgiven the world.

Keep a completely open mind, washed of all past ideas and clean of every concept you have made. You can look upon the world as if you never saw it before. You merely wait to have it shown to you.

ACIM Lesson not noted

I am under no laws but God’s.

I am entitled to Miracles.

My addition: don’t forget, You are God.

ACIM Lesson 135

We make no plans for how it will be done, but realize that our defenselessness is all that is required for the truth to dawn upon our minds with certainty.

If I defend myself I am attacked.

But in defenselessness I will be strong, and I will learn what my defenses hide.

This is my Eastertime. And I would keep it holy. I will not defend myself, because, the Son of God needs no defense against the truth of his reality.

ACIM Lesson 136: The reader is instructed to review the two italicized lines below for 15 minutes twice on Day 136. Every day in the book held similar instructions/homework. In the early lessons, it was once per day and progressed to three times per day. I generally adapted these instructions as I was inspired to.

Ask the Truth to come to us and set us Free.

Sickness is a Defense against the Truth. I will accept the truth of what I am, and let my mind be wholly healed today.

ACIM Lesson 137:

Our function is to let our minds be healed, that we may carry healing to the world, exchanging curse for blessing, pain for joy, and separation for the Peace of God.

When I am healed, I am not healed alone.

I would share my healing with the world that sickness may be banished from my Self.

I will bless my brothers and we will be healed together.

ACIM Lesson 138:

Heaven is the decision I must make.

Truth is recognized (not learned).

My addition: Heaven and hell are the same place my friend. The same fuckin’ place! We view the world through the lens of either fear or love. We look with love, we see heaven. Through the fear lens the same place looks like hell. Freedom of choice, always.

All mistakes in judgment that the mind had made before are open to correction, as the truth dismisses them as causeless.

Heaven is the decision I must make. I make it now, will not change my mind because it is the only thing I want.

ACIM Lesson 139:

I will accept Atonement for myself.

Atonement remedies the strange idea that it is possible to doubt yourself, and be unsure of what you really are.

Fail not your brothers, or you fail yourself. Look lovingly on them, that they may know that they are a part of you, and you of them.

Atonement=accept truth about Self. I remain as God created me.

Unknown lesson:

There is no order of magnitude of Miracles.

My words: Big miracle is just as easy as a little miracle. I think of this quote often. I consider that a miracle in today’s common perception could be considered the truth in the perception that the Course in Miracles invites us into.

Got excited to add in these few quotes just to give a little sampling of how the book reads. It was a pretty heavy read for me. I found out over time that my friend had never read it in its entirety. Shocked me. Only read it if you are inspired to. Not for everyone. Big take home message: we have choice in how we perceive things. The commonly held societal norm has many limitations which can be transformed by becoming aware that we can let go of belief systems that do not serve us and keep us away from the full grandeur of human possibility. Just the willingness to know this will be a guiding force for your life. Tune in and follow your inner compass.

It is possible to obtain the energy from a book without actually reading it. I am rarely called to read a book these days but I perceive that I get something out of a book just by looking at it, picking it up, maybe scrolling the index. Truth is easy to recognize. It can transmit through energy without even reading the book.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it… Am I the only one who used that expression way back?

Back to Anastasia:

The book calls itself nonfiction. I believe. Vladimir Megré describes how he came to meet Anastasia in the taiga, forest, of Russia. I would call her a fully actualized human being. She lives alone without shelter, using minimal clothes. She thrives via her own abilities and a nurturing relationship with nature. Animals that we would consider wild have for generations served Anastasia and her ancestors before her. She follows her joy and sustains herself with ease. If she gets hungry she alerts the local wildlife and they serve her food. Pine nuts and berries are the mainstay. She has rarely visited civilization but has great knowledge of it. She has keen powers of perception outside of what one would commonly understand. She has learned any language she put her mind to. She can teleport – not sure that comes up in book one but somewhere in the series. She is very powerful yet loving. Megré admitted to some impure thoughts and actions which she easily subdued more with mental power than physical although displays surprising physical strength also.

Love Byron Katie! Found out very recently that my Spiritual Advisor worked closely with Byron in the past – traveling with her & translating. Just sayin’. This is only one of many famous connections…

Through the series, the reader is introduced to stories of ancient Vedic traditions: her ancestry.

One tradition stuck out in my mind from one of the later books. She described how in a village, the young single people would decorate little boats. They would sail them down the river where villagers downstream would intercept the boats. This was a form of matchmaking. I liken it to Facebook. When one purely expresses their authentic self, not that all do that on Facebook, one lover will recognize the other. So cool…

My thinking it is partly via energy, not just the three dimensional object. In my experience, energy can transmit across the internet very effectively. My current gardener originates from Europe. He met his Canadian wife, calls Edmonton home, via Facebook. I am a sucker for a good love story…in the old Vedic tradition. Ha ha.

One common mistake is to think that one reality is the reality. You must always be prepared to leave one reality for a

Mother Meera 2014

greater one. – Answers, Part I, Mother Meera. I personally met Mother Meera, experienced Darshan, just over one hour after publishing this story originally. I will speak a little of it in upcoming story, I Am a Good Housekeeper. I come back to add this quote July 16, 2014. Another Beautiful experience for me.

Started writing July 13, 2014

July 18, 2014

P.S. – Forgot an ACIM quote that I had also handwritten. Just hit me that it was left out. Had no luck finding the paper, it was a printout of my favorite quotes at the time. Finally recalled that I had posted the ACIM quote as a comment into Norwegian Friend #1’s Facebook Page. Found it! December 11, 2011.

RAIN Sculpture by Gil Bruvel

T-17, VIII 2 “. . .Let truth be what it is. Do not intrude upon it, do not attack it, do not interrupt its coming. Let it encompass every situation and bring you peace. Not even faith is asked of you, for truth asks nothing. Let it enter, and it will call forth and secure for you the faith you need for peace. But rise you not against it, for against your opposition it cannot come.”

Aligning with this has been transformational for me. The page author wisely pointed out:

“Your understanding is not a very powerful contribution to the truth.”

That is the current day human challenge … dilemma even. I felt great resistance to the response at the time. Now it feels like the most self-evident statement. See! We humans can change our perceptions. Yeah for me! My current sense is that to be aware that this may be the case, allows you a more relaxed presence. My fave Byron Katie quote fits right here:

How did I forget Don Miguel Ruiz’s analogy about skin disease? Early in the Four Agreements, he asked us to imagine if everyone on earth had the same skin condition and one was cured, the cured one would appear diseased. The Course in Miracles gives that same message. When everyone shares a misperception of reality, it is the ultimate challenge for anyone to change and see correctly, using ACIM terms. There is a collective desire to fix, heal or alter this new perception of reality. Tendency to incorrectly assume the majority holds the most correct perspective. That good old catch 22 again. We are stuck in a loop. We can break out. We will figure it out. I know that we can. …and it will be easy.Yet … will require significant courage.

Moral of the Story: You Will Know You Are Perceiving Reality Correctly When You Feel Joy, Peace and Love.

A Beautiful Truth…

July 23, 2014

Cannot seem to leave this story alone. Need to add a lovely Four Agreements versus Course in Miracles quote off.

Don Miguel Ruiz:Forgiveness is the only way to heal.

ACIM: Forgiveness isn’t overlooking what you’ve done to me..

Forgiveness is seeing correctly, that you’ve done nothing to me.. and you are innocent. So there is nothing to forgive.

I agree with both quotes despite their seeming contradiction. The ACIM resonates at a higher vibration. You must let go of some commonly held belief systems to align with it. Another way to look at it is that the two truths exist at different energetic vibrational levels. They are each a valid version of truth. I toy around with this type of thinking a lot after reading Power Versus Force by Sir David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D., an internationally renowned psychiatrist, consciousness researcher, spiritual lecturer, and mystic. Relevant to the Spiritual Teacher, all of us really, having to teach to the level of the students. We all exist at different energetic vibrations …or consciousness levels. One is not better than the other. Being aware of our differences does help us to coexist peacefully. Don’t ya think?

Written by Bruce McCulloch – one of the Kids in the Hall, a Canadian Comedy group who once had their own TV show. Quite a funny idea. I would love to do my own version of this song…

Make it my own. Change the words. Change the name?? Joe? Mike? Dave is pretty good. Three of my closest friends have romantic relationships or past relationships with Davids. I am really enjoying the company these days of a gentleman, whose name might be Dave. We are in the early stages of dating. So I still consider myself single. As usual, feeling optimistic. I am so capable of loving other people. I really love that about myself. I believe that Love is not finite but infinitely available to be given and received.

Met another man, whose name could have been Dave, the night prior to this writing. A bit of an experience. I might have written a different ending but glad I followed my intuition.

I somehow chose to peek in on POF -Plenty of Fish dating website. I now realize that late Saturday afternoon, you are throwing yourself out as bait. I do not even have my pictures public and the messages started rolling in when it was evident I was online. Male to female ratio is 10:1 I am told. Saw a message from the admin. – hilarious, trying to quell the myth that POF was about sex and hookups. Stats seemed more prudish than what I would believe. I remain skeptical. Who knows?

These days the mass media loves to talk about the hookup culture and focus shows around sex. In reality hookups are rare. The median number of female sexual partners in lifetime, for men 25-44 years of age is 6.1 for women its 3.9. Only three percent of men aged 18 to 30 have 3 or more sexual partners per year for 3 years. If you want to hear what else is normal check out this great Google Talk by Wendy Walsh The 30 Day Love Detox. (I took out the links) ***

I see a message from a shadow head, no picture, pof user. We had messaged before but it stopped when he did not have pics. He claimed he was in a four year sexless relationship so wanted to be discreet. I started thinking about that. Why not leave the relationship? Oh well, live and let live. He stated that he can email me pics. I decide that maybe discreet is good. He was inflexible. I was to start a new email account rather than he starting Kik, a discreet mobile app. where you do not have to give your phone number

or email or name. Kik app. is one of the many things I have learned in the dating game of 2014. I decided to play along. He was in the military so I followed orders and teased him along the way. Now I had an email: “disabledangel”, my newest Facebook Page, was my name. Maybe will need that anyway. Saw his pics and just felt like he was asleep. Interesting how clear that looked to me.

As I was present onsite, I started a new conversation with a guy whose name might be Dave, calls Vancouver home. He was working in Edmonton for a few weeks. My pics were not up so I wondered why he chose to message me?

Machu Picchu pic I took

My tagline “Fun & Freedom” could have something to do with it. There are no coincidences, it seems. Officially he was 36 but in his blurb he admitted to being 26. Hmmmm…. I had fun going back and forth. I told him 26 was outside my present boundaries – half age plus 5. The formula I had received from a friend. Close I guess. He encouraged me to push my boundaries. Gotta love a playful young man. He had many pics up – showing a recent trip to Machu Picchu. That encouraged me as I myself also traveled there last year. He looked nice, quite wholesome. So I decided to meetup. It was only at the last minute that he requested pics of me. I kindly

Early morning fishing with a Peruvian woman on Lake Titicaca

provided via message. As he said, what harm comes of sharing a coffee. Absolutely. I felt like getting out of the house. We made this arrangement forty five minutes before the scheduled time and I needed twenty minutes to drive there. I had no time to change clothes or put in contacts. I just cleaned my oven quickly as I had already started the job. Was this symbolic? Turns out a small stain still left….Hmmm. I would give it another go on another day.

Edmonton on Canada Day 2014

I started getting a little uncomfortable when he advised me to pick him up at 105 street and 98 Ave. I knew the location well as I pass it weekly. It is a little secluded. But there are hotel apartments in that area so made sense. Fear entered my mind – for a millisecond. Quick to squash it. I checked in with intuition. I felt I was safe and supported. Not really sure what to expect. I went with no expectations to just see what it would be. He was visiting from out of town. I enjoy meeting new people. Maybe talk about travel?

Well, there was no fear for my safety. As I approached the meetup location, I could see him half a block away walking on his own. He crossed the street one minute after I parked at the corner. It was colder than -20 celcius so timing was important. I waved through the window. Wow! This guy was a super hunk. Stand him next to Chris Hemsworth and you would have trouble choosing which was the sexier. No word of a lie! Coloring, body proportions, face…all an echo of the famous Thor actor. Pictures did nothing to represent how hot he was! OK, this could be interesting…

I was prepared to start driving and then figure out where we would go for coffee. Without hesitation, he leaned over and started kissing me passionately. What?? Choicepoint time. Within ten seconds, I decided, yes I may as well go all in. How exciting! So. Much. Kissing. A man I just met. Or did I meet him? It was Hi, sit down, kiss. If that is what you call meeting. Maybe that go for coffee stuff was just a ruse… you think?

I was not parked in a high traffic area but it was illegal to park there. So I started driving. We started talking. Amazing voice. Lovely spirit. I could not help but think like attracts like. I said this out loud a couple of times. He was without comment. He had announced to his employer months prior that he had booked a ten week travel vacation which included Peru, Bolivia and Chile. The boss was not supportive. Dave felt his presence in Edmonton served as a mini punishment for his assertive actions related to those travel plans. He lived in Vancouver. He was here working for three weeks. So just that alone told me he was on a unique path. Always love that! Oh, and handsome too. Did I say that already? Big – in a good way. His body really filled up the passenger seat. It was not every day that you see Thor in your front passenger seat. Ah, the memory of it…

So there we were driving and driving. I was distracted but enjoying his company. Before I knew it I was heading out of downtown towards the West End. I turned into a residential street to turn back. He recommended we just park along one of the streets. OK. I was agreeable. So right back to the kissing. Only now it had built up to be quite passionate. Oh, yes. I deserve this…totally. Jackets are slowing peeled away. What exactly was going on here? Was I a teenager? His hands were traveling…and ended up down the back of my pants. The jeans are snug but stretchy. He was able to deftly reach down and between my legs with that oh so manly hand of his. I have learned that I am really drawn to masculine hands. The sight of a hand can do a lot for me. Maybe I could call it a fetish almost. How I chose to connect with Dave #1. Norweigian friend #1 posted a pic yesterday of his hand wearing a torquoise bracelet – Yum! Look at me and my distractability. Back to the story… Well there were no secrets by this stage. I was so wet, it was almost embarrassing. So what was good for the gander was good for the goose. I let my hands travel a little over his immaculate body. I ended up eventually at his crotch. Recently, I had been desiring a fully erect penis. As much as I have enjoyed a couple of intimate encounters, none have been associated with a fully erect penis. The Doctor in me wondered about this trend. Was it just me? Or a wider phenomenon? Maybe alcohol played a role. Be careful what you wish for! I was not more specific about this full erection that I desired. So I kind of laugh at this experience. What exactly did I intend to do with said penis. I don’t know. The Universe comes up with its own plans when you don’t know.

It is not long before he frees the beast: truly beautiful…
At this point, I was still unsure about what I wanted to do with it. He handled himself – love that – and then recommended I take over with my hand. I leaned down wanting to have an oral experience when he said, “No, lets keep it clean”. What? My perception is not 20 seconds go by before he was pushing my face down. Hey, I am getting mixed signals here! And that was when he came all over my face!! Did not see that one coming… I laughed at myself as I wrote this and every time I have read through it. I cannot help but think I am a Comedian … albeit a disabled one. Whenever I am manic, I call myself an Angel Comedian. I feel like I am entertaining the folks in the 5th Dimension. The jokes go over the head of three dimensional thinking. Hope you all are enjoying a laugh at my expense. I could not find a napkin or tissue aside from one left on the floor – garbage. I felt like MacGyver. I had to use what was at hand. Better than carrying on the night with a protein rich substance congealed to my face.

I was all turned on. He looked content enough. He said, “that went too fast”. Not sure what this was in reference to – his ejaculation or our intimate behavior. I was quick to point out and tease him, “You started it”. He could not deny. So we headed back towards our starting point. Conversation was kind of weird. I am not sure why I was speaking about challenging topics – sacred plants -San Pedro, Ayahuasca, tobacco. His questions somehow lead me here. The Peru connection, I guess. I trusted it was all perfect. The topic of multidimensional experience was touched upon. Hmmmm… curious. So possibly these topics could scare a guy off. Makes sense. As we neared his Edmonton home, he declared that he needed to go home and “rethink his thinking process”. I was glad that I clarified my position, “I would hang out with you some more”. I love it when I can be clear. One person’s clear is another’s confused. Not sure how clear I really was at that point. We had shared just over an hour together. In my mind, I was hopeful that I would hear from him again. He was only in town for another few weeks. The first thing I did when I arrived home 20 minutes later was to attempt to send him a message. Could not. He had blocked me!! WTF!!!! I spent a lot of time sending myself Love. And I felt it.

I was in disbelief that he had blocked me. What harm was a few messages back and forth on POF? Wow! I decided that I had no idea what that was about. It said more about him than me. Or does it? My best guess? He had judged his, and my, behavior as wrong?? I really do not know so prefer to not make assumptions. I do not judge it as wrong because I was inspired to do it. To me that was enough. It was authentic for me. I wanted to be open to the hookup. In the end, it was not really a hookup but an intimate connection nonetheless. Maybe I even got that out of my system for good. Heaven only knows…

So what did I learn here? As usual, I don’t know. Like attracts like? He was my mirror? What do I learn about myself? Firstly, I am hot!! Ha ha. I felt resonance between us. Did it freak him out? Who knows what was really on his mind. I am left so curious as to his version of the story. Some transparent, authentic communication would have went a long way in my ability to learn from the experience. Funny how we human beings can get uncomfortable and run away from communication. I hold strong to the belief that we must lean in when it gets uncomfortable. Easier said than done, I know. My self has a sexual component that desires expression. I intended to unlearn all that I have learned and be open to what was…in the moment. I let the moment teach me. Followed my excitement. This was a great example.

The biggest take away message was “So that is what it feels like to be in the moment. Let my desires lead the way. I am free to be myself. I have released societal beliefs about sensuality/sexuality. Most importantly: I am outcome independent. I am totally OK with however it turns out. There is no such thing as a good experience or a bad experience. This was an interesting experience. I will not judge it.” That was the coolest part. Despite it not ending how I might have chosen, I know I am OK either way. I think of it as an egg on face experience. Ha ha. I was connected to my authentic Self. I do not need approval from the other. I only have control over myself. I cannot control the other. I must respect and accept his experience and how he chooses to perceive it. I was crazy curious about how he perceived it though. I want to be with people who are enthusiastic about me. If he cannot be that, fair enough. The most I could expect from my young friend was a short-term intimate playmate. As we parted, I told him that I welcomed feedback if he was so inspired.

The experience showed me I am not quite in full harmony with myself. Fine. I accepted that. I embraced that. I was where I was…and it was perfect. Fun and titillating too. I write my own story. This seemed a great scene for the movie… Ha ha.

In preparation for this encounter, having no idea about what I was in for, I declared that things happen for me, not to me. This writing started as a Journal entry but it has morphed into a story. I love telling stories. A true writer writes about things that most people would be uncomfortable with. I am uncomfortable sharing this story. So why share it? I don’t know. Writers and storytellers hold up the mirror for us all… See what you will.

Matt Kahn spoke some words at a retreat I attended that fit well here. He emphasized harmony. Commonly people believe they need comfort to be harmonious but he encourages us to be comfort neutral. When in harmony with what is, comfort is irrelevant. Comfort is not required for harmony.

If feeling disharmony, ask “what did I expect?”. In some way we are expecting something other than what is right now. Truly we can embrace whatever shows up – it is sent for your highest evolution.

Harmony – you always get what you need. Not attached to what you want.

Comfort can be experienced in every breath. Put faith into the guiding inspiration that inspires you to action. It knows more than you assume.

This really ties into Friedrich Nietzsche’s philosophy also. I have affectionately nicknamed Nietzsche my boyfriend. He is the only philosopher to have earned that title. Wait a minute, maybe not the only one. I happened to read a synopsis of his work that was shared on Facebook the morning of this writing. I know many question the value of time on Facebook but for me, I am effortlessly given what I need for my evolution and writing. It happens all the time. I do not spend time researching. I just write what the moment gives me. Then I go and push the Easy Button. Ha ha…

“Once we get tired of being gruff; when we see that there is no point rejecting everything, the final moment of this metamorphosis comes (tee hee, my addition) – it’s glorious and super fun! The child. This transcends the former stages as we no longer think in terms of whether what we are doing is morally correct or incorrect, or is imposed or comes from within. Our actions have now acquired a very distinct characteristic: we do what we want because we want it! Like a child on a playground who has genuine fun not because he is told to (camel) or because he doesn’t want to do what he is told to do (lion) but because he finds a great deal of joy in doing it.

The things that have to get done are no longer heavy nor something that we have to fight against, the categories proper-improper, correct-incorrect dissolve and we are left with a delightful game. The world turns into music and we no longer walk or talk but rather dance and sing. There is nowhere to get to or nothing to be attained, for you are already there and having everything that you could ever need. Our actions no longer need justification, they are all grounded in what we want to do, just by the mere fact that we want to do them! We need not make logical arguments or rank it in terms of how proper it is, there is just an unfolding delight.”

Finished this writing and then found the Cole’s notes version of Nietzsche’s philosophy … yes on Facebook:

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” Friedrich Nietzsche

In the process of writing Beautiful Truth, I have really come to believe this. At the onset, I believed I was searching for and then would share the right way for everyone: the Truth. That is the funniest concept to me now. I do not believe there is one truth that serves us all. Is that not a gigantic relief?? You are not wrong! Yeah!! Now that is a Beautiful Truth…

On September 10, 2012, I posted the following quote and picture on my personal Facebook Page:

“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.”

Comment string:

Angele: Hangin’ with my old friend Friedrich Nietzsche today. Lots of good quotes there. I thought this photo went so well with this particular quote…

Reply from a family member with a great sense of humor:

Hmmm…not sure Nietzsche would make a very good boyfriend.

Angele: Well… If I ever get the chance to date him, I will let you know. Tee hee

Addendum: 9 days following this incident, I received email notification of two messages from Mr. Vancouver around 11PM. I was already asleep for the night. I instantly went into the pof site upon waking to see the blessed feedback. I was so excited no matter what he might say. Sooooo curious. I was met with “This user has deleted his account”. Ooooooh…so sad. My imagination had it that he gave feedback possibly with contact info. I really wanted to ask him if he would like to see the story he inspired. I had teased him that if he was not careful, he would end up in a story – prior to the intimacy episode. If he was not a saavy pof user he may not have known that messages would not be seen when you delete your account. Or he had a change of heart communicating with me and deleted his account. I had the idea of creating a new account on POF following his blocking me and sending him a message that way as another user…but I was too lazy. I let him choose. I really was expecting to hear from him again. It was a pretty hot connection. May never know. I follow my own advice: embrace uncertainty. Ha ha

BTW – this story had me laughing like no other I have written so far. Numerous belly laughs. It did not seem to get old… Thanks Dave.

“It’s All In The Jeans” title…and then the “Action Pants” ad. I crack myself up!

February 28, 2014

Since this incident and writing, I have attended a five day retreat with Matt Kahn. He brought up a common phase that many spiritual seekers go through. He calls it the cosmic horn dog phase. I now consider myself a former spiritual seeker. I am no longer seeking. I have found…that I have been right here all along. I completely resisted the idea that I am going through the ‘oh so common’ cosmic horn dog phase – which likely meant that I am (was?) going through this. It is the idea that one is love. One can share this love with others. It is very authentic to engage sexually whenever you feel a connection. So I took a break from the Plenty Of Fish Smorgasboard. Let me settle into myself and see how I feel. Did not want to delete my account though…in case I hear from my sexy, young friend. I just make my pictures private and the boys mostly leave me alone.

I came across an excellent quote that I will now use to learn about myself – the only real thing we are trying to do in relationship??

When I become attracted to someone, I feel into why this is so. Is this perpetuating an unhealed part of myself, or is this an opportunity to evolve? Sidonie Bouchet

I am a Big Fan of a well worded question. I believe that we are saved more by questions than answers could ever hope to. My favorite answer, “I don’t know”.

Sacred humor is a divine self-awareness of the absurdity of the human condition. Gary Z. McGee

It (humor) dethrones the Emperor in the mind while revealing he’s not even wearing any clothes. Gary Z. McGee – author of Birthday Suit of God and The Looking Glass Man.

We see how our Soul is playing hide-and-go-seek with our Ego. Gary Z. McGee (again)

He follows this quote with:

Humor debunks the ego’s pride in itself, not masochistically, but in the spirit of cosmic joy. Let us embrace this particular flavor of absurdity, let us hug the hurricane, let us bosom the apocalypse. If we should transcend the paradigm, so be it. If not, at least we’re laughing.

I could not agree more…

July 8, 2014

Just read an excerpt from “Bringers of the Dawn” by Barbara Marciniak that resonates. Going far beyond this story but speaking about sex and its highest purpose. The concept that religious organizations disjoined sex from its fullest purpose. The observation noted that a lot of shame has been linked to sexual expression which in turn has delayed evolution of the human species. The views could be considered way out there. I feel truth in these views. It speaks of an authentic, beautiful human expression via sexuality in its fullest form. We have to let go of belief systems handed down for generations in order to access this fullest expression.

I do not believe in sin. I do not believe in karma. But I loved The Fault In Our Stars. A quote from the book: “Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom most people find sin.” The cabdriver in Amsterdam.

The Assassination of John F. Kennedy. Historical event. I was impressed by my parents account of the huge impact felt by everyone in the world. I love hearing stories about the old days. Both parents were in the same school when the JFK news flash hit. All students were ceremoniously gathered to hear the sad news from their teachers, mostly Nuns in this devoutly Catholic School on the Canadian Prairies in Saskatchewan. The collective mourning is powerful. Many times, I have heard other baby boomers describe their experience of the incident. Some events hold world significance. Similar was when the commercial planes struck the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.

I can recall my own 9-11 story. I was just enjoying a normal morning with my 2 preschool kids. Jacques, a year old, was napping. Elise, 4 years old, was playing independently in the basement. The phone rang – my mom. She was at work. It was the rarest event to receive a call from her either during or after work hours. She was not the talk on the phone type (opposite to myself). Her calls were mostly related to booking a social event for the family: down and dirty, no extraneous details. No chit chat. So I was pleasantly surprised to hear from her. Immediately noted her tone was different. She informed me of the news. She rightly assumed that I was unaware of the world event. My knees felt weak. We actually just hung together on the phone trying to integrate this information. What did this mean? That 2nd plane hitting had the world wondering, how many events had been planned here? Were we safe? Not really sure. It was so comforting that my mom was the person delivering this headline. We appreciated each other in this strange moment. Finally, we had to end the call. Like everyone, I was in shock. I just existed in suspended animation. I recall feeling so blank. I did not want to take off in panic but it would be so easy to do. I found myself wandering back to Elise in the basement. I did not speak. I would go and watch her play. Well, she started talking … about burning buildings. “Mama, I see a lot of smoke. There are some buildings on fire.” I cocked my head to the side. Did she overhear my conversation with my mom? I did not think so. What did I say out loud? I could not really remember. Hmmmm… Was she aware of this via telepathy? With me and my mom? From another source? I was kind of freaked out by this. She just looked to me for my reaction. I tried to remain neutral. After a long pause, I shared with her the statement that some big buildings were on fire in New York. I certainly opened my mind to the idea that Elise had vision and capabilities different from my own. In the weeks following, our family cocooned in our home – not going out for social events- and just thankful for our little patch of Paradise- along with the rest of the world.

On a brighter note, I have just today declared in my own mind that seeing Forrest Gump, the movie, is another of these profound Universal moments. I have come to understand that many people like me (whatever that means) were very inspired by this phenomenal movie. I deemed it my “Favorite movie of all time” the instant I left the theatre shortly after its release. I did not fully understand why at that moment. I can fondly return to that monumental minute (and have so many times). There is not another movie that has had this impact on me. It was this moment that I have come back to over and over. I just looked up at the sky on that fateful dark, cold and clear night. Pause. I thought to myself “that was the best movie I have ever seen!”. Forrest looked at the world through rose-colored glasses so to speak and look at the results! So uplifting!!! The magic in the seamless application of historical clips – Yes! The endearing leading man with the Southern accent- yes! His deep and faithful affection for his friend, Bubba- Yes! The tortured character, Captain Dan who redeems himself in the end…via Forrest’s modelling – Yes! The big dreams, seemingly impossible, achieved – Yes! The loving mother who saw the perfection in her son and ensured he saw it too – Yes! The deep romantic, committed love for his girl eventually bore fruit. Forrest did fully experience his True Love, Ginny – Yes! Weaving in history amongst this Fiction – it was soooo fascinating. I added the quote, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know which one you are going to get” to my personal vocabulary – pulling it out regularly whenever I saw an opening. I vowed, right then and there, to purchase this movie at the earliest opportunity with the commitment to watch it with my kids at the appropriate time in their development. I really wanted to use it as a tool to discuss the Philosophy of Life. Keep in mind that I was a Newlywed to my Med School sweetheart at this time. I was committed to having a Family but there was no specific idea of when. The topic of having kids was not in my life or relationship otherwise.

It was months later, browsing in a local Independently-Owned Video Rental store (long out of business when Blockbuster entered the neighborhood), I saw the used copy of the Forrest Gump Movie. I bought it without hesitation. I have partially fulfilled my destiny. It was one of the first DVD’s that I owned. I was slow to get onto this idea of owning DVD’s. Watching a movie twice always struck me as counter-intuitive. There are a few movies that I have come to enjoy rewatching – usually comedy or musical.

“I am nothing if not adaptable…”

Well, that copy of Forrest Gump was not watched again until Elise, my first born, was 12 years old. Over the years, I heard myself declare that I would watch it some cold, dark winter night (it was my favorite movie of all time after all) when I needed a little lift…but I never actually did it. The DVD just sat on the shelf for untold years. I had mentioned to Elise my plan and again, did not really make it specific. One day, Elise recalled that I wanted to watch this movie with her, “Can we, Mama?” YES! Well, my enthusiasm for this big event had Elise very curious.

“I am nothing if not enthusiastic…”.

We watched our schedule for the right moment as I felt that Jacques and Jean-Luc were too young for some of the content. OK, I now recall that I had forced Elise and Jacques to watch the opening scene of the feather floating through the air…so Beautiful.

I was reminded of it by Veggie Tales – a most awesome creative cartoon series: hilarious in such a quirky way. The Veggie Tales had a ritual of including a “Silly Song” and one of them was their version of this Forrest Gump scene.

Watching Forrest Gump with Elise (boys all occupied elsewhere) is a treasured memory. There were a couple of moments where she turned her head – those oh, so embarrassing to be watching with your mom scenes – remember those? But experiencing it together and the discussions that followed were heaven for me…and I think for her too. Two years later, Jacques started asking for his milestone moment watching Forrest Gump with me. He was only 11 years old. I had it in my mind that I would wait until 12 like for Elise. Well that did not last long. When Jacques gets something in his head, it would take a whoooole lot of energy to prevent his will from being fulfilled. I have always said, from birth onwards, that Jacques would never be left in the Forest (love the pun here…ha ha) to starve to death. He just has a way of ensuring his needs are met. He is a good example for the rest of us. A strong force. I have no idea where he got that from…(?). Tee hee. Well, we never quite found the moment that would allow delay for Jean-Luc seeing the movie also. So JL was only 7 years old. It was so great. Discussing the movie with them – Yes! And now we could add a few more little inside jokes to our large arsenal. “You got your lemon shrimp…You got your sweet and sour shrimp…You got your …” (Remember that scene?)- so fun. Jacques captured Forrest Gump’s accent instantly so I am regularly treated to little excerpts.

Do you notice that Forrest is looking at his Curious George book in the photo with his son? We also see it in the opening scene when he is putting his feather away. His neat and tidily packed suitcase was opened with the Curious George book tenderly placed on top. Love this song Upside Down by Jack Johnson which appeared in the Curious George Movie. You must listen to this uplifting song. It is Jack Johnson & Curious George!! You don’t see that every day. I love children’s entertainment.

This past summer, I was intrigued with some You Tube videos discussing the Philosophy hidden in the Matrix movies. I vowed to re-watch the first one. In order to remind myself, I entered a calendar reminder to repeat daily at 7PM that stated “watch Matrix”. The daily alert that became a part of our routine led to Elise very mindfully choosing to watch them all. I was only enthusiastic in watching the first alongside her. So many grand discussions came out of that one too. So funny, somehow in my “moving onto icloud” from Mobile me, I lost my entire calendar. At first, it was such a blessing that the alerts were captured. I developed the habit of reminding myself of almost all events 1 day prior and 1 hour prior. So I always had a day’s notice if I had forgotten something from my calendar. Well, for most events, they just play out and then were gone but the Matrix reminder was on daily repeats with no end date. I occasionally do this when I want to capture a task that is not time specific. My version of a “To Do” list. Only one or two things at a time can be handled this way. I have a To Do app. but never look there. Once the action is completed, I just delete the entry for all future entries. So, to this very day, at 7pm I am reminded to “Watch Matrix” – a running joke. I have not really put time into finding the solution to remove this reminder …maybe “someday”. Truth is stranger than Fiction sometimes… (I add in: “Someday” finally came. Months later.)

Love talking philosophy with my kids! And they know it. They will often try to distract me (to stay up later for instance) when they see my eyes light up in that special way.