Sometimes I really like what people say, other times I’m retweeting my (very funny and talented) friends, and I’ve been told this actually helped them get some exposure. I’m something of a Twitter Fairy Godmother, and I like it that way. If you don’t, you can always turn off my retweets.

Yes, I’ve seen it! It’s a very good show. Tim Minchin stays true to Dahl’s spirit, and the actress playing Matilda when I saw it (Oona Laurence) was great. I had a chance to meet Sophia Gennusa, another one of the Matildas, at a First Book event, and not only was she was as sweet as can be and remarkably talented, she was also refreshingly down to earth. It’s an honor to share this great character with these girls.

Don’t you think you should act in Matilda: The Musical?

There are many other actresses who are better suited for that! Stunt casting can really drag down a stage production.

Don’t you think there should be a Matilda 2? Can you make that happen?

I don’t have that kind of pull in show business (at least not anymore), and anyway, I like the way it ended! Not everything needs a sequel. If you really want there to be a Matilda 2, I suggest you write it yourself. Have fun!

Can you make me famous?

Again, I don’t have that kind of pull, sorry. If I like the thing you made, there’s a chance I’ll post it on Facebook or tweet about it, but I can’t connect you to any industry professionals.

You say you don’t act anymore, but then you acted in THIS project! What’s that about?

I do enjoy acting with or for good friends, and for people I know and respect. Acting can be fun (stage and voice acting, especially) and I’ll do it if I feel like it will be! I’m sure you can think of many activities people do with people they love and trust, but don’t want to do as an actual job.

But you do voice-over acting, right?

Yes! I’ve always loved V/O.

Will you be in my film project?

Unless I know you personally, probably not. I’m sorry. Additionally, I’m SAG-AFTRA, which means I’m not allowed to do film projects unless the filmmakers follow their rules. It would just be a headache and a bunch of paperwork for you. I can, however, direct you to some other talented actors (friends of mine from college, mostly) who would jump at the chance.

Will you be on my podcast?

The great thing about podcasts is anyone can make one. The bad thing about podcasts is anyone can make one. If you ask me to do your podcast and I have never heard of it, I have no way of knowing if it’s a real thing, if you can be trusted, and if I will be safe doing it. Many are done in people’s homes, and I would not be comfortable being in a stranger’s home.

Additionally, asking me to do your podcast is asking for my time without any kind of payment or recompense. This is fine if it is good exposure and a way to promote something I’m doing, but if you have a small audience, there really isn’t much payoff for me. I know that sounds cruel, but think about what you do for a job, and imagine if people wanted to you to do it for free and without much recognition. You probably wouldn’t do it unless it was for a friend, and neither will I. My rule is I will not do any podcasts unless I have heard of them, am a fan of them, or know the people who do them. (This was the case with Welcome to Night Vale: I knew them through mutual friends who worked with the New York Neo-Futurists and loved what they did.)

Was it really that you left acting or was it just that they didn’t want you anymore?

I like to think of it as a mutual break-up: Hollywood didn’t really want me anymore, and I was over it, too.

Why do you talk about your acting all the time?

Because people ask. When people ask me about other things, I answer them.

Will you be my girlfriend?

I’m immensely flattered, and if we knew each other in person and were attracted to each other, I’m sure we could date. As it stands, probably not. I’m sorry.

Can we be best friends?

If we met in real life, perhaps we could be friends. I have made friends online, but it was through discussion, shared interests, and appreciation of each other’s work that we became friends. It was not by someone asking to be my best friend. Friendship is a mutual thing.

I have noticed that we do not have the same beliefs/religion! Should I try to convert you to mine?!

No thanks. I’ve come to my beliefs my own way, and it was a rather long and private process. You are extremely unlikely to change what I believe — and, I imagine, vice versa. Please respect that.

Someone is saying mean stuff about you on the internet! Should I tell you about it?

Please don’t. People are free to dislike me for whatever reason, but I don’t need to be told about it. Just let them be and let me be.

I think you’re horrible! Should I tell you about it?

I’m sorry you feel that way, but if you don’t mind, I’d rather you not tell me. You’re free to hate me, but please don’t tweet it at me or write it on my Facebook wall or contact me just to tell me that. It’s just rude.

You were wrong about something, and I would like to correct you in a courteous and constructive way. Should I do that?

Because, believe it or not, I put a LOT of thought into my entries. I’m also busy writing other things right now.

Why do you take yourself so seriously?

I’m the only thing I don’t take seriously.

People don’t really ask you these questions, do they?

Every one of these is either a direct question I’ve been asked multiple times, or a statement made about me I figured I should address. Trust me, I know I’m not that important. If I come off as aloof, it’s just because I’m bemused that people care about a former child actor/writer they’ve never met. And if you read anything I’ve written, I think it’s pretty clear that ninety percent of the time, the joke is on me.