Gen. Two: Chapter Seventeen: The Moth

I swung my legs over to the side of the bed and just let them dangle. Sighing, I reached my arms up and stretched them. Just as I was prepared to lower my arms, something else-namely, someone else did it for me.

“Well hello there little guy,” I muttered over my belly, rubbing where it’d just kicked. A small smile crept on to my face. Though it felt forced and slightly odd compared to my normal expressions, I still felt…well, less alone in that moment. And that was better than the usual.

I stood up with a new buoyancy that I’d adopted since becoming pregnant and, more recently, revealing my darkest secret to my parents. It’d happened just less than a week ago, and while I never thought that telling someone would help with the pain…well, it did. For the hundredth time in my life, I was wrong. Maybe it was because of my single-won battle against Adan, the battle to redo the entire apartment with warmer colors. This single change had me feeling better every day, but somehow I doubted that that was the case today. Perhaps it was even because, in terms of my pregnancy, it was almost like now that I had some purpose, some reason to force everyone else to think I was okay so they wouldn’t dig deeper, I had an easier time feigning my happiness. I wasn’t only protecting me now. I was protecting my new partner.

When I finally gathered the strength to go and grab a bottle of water from the kitchen, I was immediately thrown off by something different. No, it wasn’t new curtains or chairs or different lights that caught my attention. It was…well, it was-

“Adan?” I asked quietly, my head leaned forward just a bit more than it usually was.

“Yeah?” Eyebrows lifted, Adan surveyed me from his position at the kitchen counter. He held the day’s newspaper in his hands as well as a cup of coffee he’d just prepared.

“I didn’t…I didn’t realize you were home. Um, what’s the occasion?”

“Oh.” Adan let out a small shrug as his eyes narrowed on something written in the paper and sat at the kitchen table. “Uh, I’m just going in late. Meeting got cancelled but I’ve still gotta put in a day’s work.” He gave me a cursory glance. I nodded as his head turned back to the newspaper. “Oh, and there’s extra coffee in the pot.” He didn’t bother looking at me. “You can have some.”

“Um, I think I’ll pass…but, uh, thank you.” Ever since the conflict between Adan and me at my 25th birthday, we’d been struggling from even more strain in our relationship than usual. Most of the time, I could ignore it and pretend everything was alright. But, on some days, like today, I didn’t want to deal with it. I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a cold water, praying that he wouldn’t press the coffee-issue. A google search on pregnancy had revealed some key tips to me, one of the most important being the issue of caffeine. I didn’t want to hurt this baby any more than I wanted to go back to high school.

But he didn’t press it. In fact, as I came close to the base of the steps and prepared to walk back up, he didn’t even give me a single glance. As had become typical in the past week, I felt a tingling on my lips, the sensation of my deepest lingering secrets, words that just couldn’t form. I wanted so badly to tell him what I told my parents, to feel the same relief I had now over and over and over again until the day I died. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Adan, I knew, would despise me for it, even more so than he already did. And who would I be to bring a child into this world with a father who despises its mother? I messed up so many things, but this…this I couldn’t.

There were a million and one things that I had to do nowadays, but currently the monthly secretive doctor’s visits were of the most importance. I usually paid in cash so that Adan wouldn’t be confronted with logs of my frequent check-ups, but my cash flow from my job at the local book store was starting to prove incapable of upholding my new costs. So, rather than awkwardly waiting around the house until it was time for this appointment as I usually did, I decided to check-up with someone else…more specifically, my older brother.

After checking and rechecking that I had the address right and nearly crashing my car twice, I finally arrived at their newest home. They’d moved in a bit over a month ago, and to my dismay this was the first chance I’d gotten to pay them a visit. I figured it was better to go now, while I could still cover up my rapidly growing belly, and then blame my absence on business later.

I locked my car as I walked up their pathway, meanwhile admiring the subtle beauty of their newly renovated Victorian home. It truly was beautiful, I thought, and I would love to own a similar one one day-

“Ah!” I gasped, nearly falling and breaking my neck on the ground. My foot had caught on something and, as I looked down, it wasn’t just anything­-it was a dog. A small, small dog who, to my distaste, peered up at me through sweet, large eyes that melted away my annoyance. With all revelations of Victorian magnificence disintegrated, I knocked lightly on the door. Jaimee, my sister-in-law, answered just a moment later.

“Valerie!” she gushed at seeing my face, quickly pulling me into a hug. And I, as usual, arched my back just enough so that my belly was virtually nonexistent to her. “What a surprise!”

“Yeah, sorry…hope I didn’t come at a bad time. I had some errands to run and thought today might be a good day to make up lost time.”

“Nope, you came at absolutely just the right time!” She beckoned me inside, softly closing the door behind us as she continued to talk. “You actually came at the perfect time. I just woke Alice up and was going to feed her a snack.”

I nodded, looking around the place. It was adorably cluttered and family-friendly, just as I’d expect from my brother and his wife. I smiled as I surveyed the ground, filled corner-to-corner with Alice’s toys and…dog toys?

“Wait, Jaim-that dog outside…is that yours?”

“Oh, Bunny?” Jaimee let out a soft laugh as she sorted through the fridge. “Yeah, you can thank Soren for that one. And his daughter. You know, I was against it, but him? As soon as Alice even hinted at wanting a puppy, he just melted and bought it for her.”

“That’s not too surprising,” I countered, walking toward the door. “Want me to bring her in?”

“Him, actually,” Jaimee replied absent-mindedly as the blender started loudly mushing whatever meal she was preparing for Alice. “No matter how many times we told her it was a boy, she wouldn’t give up on naming it Bunny and, occasionally, Sally for short.”

“Sally?”

“Don’t ask me,” Jaimee sighed, turning to me with her hands on her hips. “And yes, if you wouldn’t mind calling him in…that’d be great. Thanks.”

I opened the door, but to my surprise Bunny was sitting patiently on the porch. He bolted inside as soon as I moved out of the way.

“Aw, hey boy!” I cooed, leaning down. He attacked me with kisses and soft yelps that I nearly melted on the spot at. “You’re a good boy, aren’t you? Oh yes you are! Oh yes you are!”

“Okay, seriously?” Jaimee laughed again, glancing over at my position on the floor. “I almost mistook you for Soren right there. You two sound identical when you’re around pets.”

“Not my fault,” I argued, smiling playfully up at her. “We grew up with two dogs, a cat and a horse. We were a little obsessed.” I thought for a moment, then continued. “Speaking of, where is that dork? Soren?”

“Ah, I guess he didn’t tell you,” Jaimee began as I stood up and sat at the counter across from her. “Right after we moved in, he got a job coaching the Toddler’s soccer team down at the town park. It doesn’t pay much, but he adores it. I think he’s counting down the days until Alice can join his team.”

“Soren, mixing family with his competitiveness? That would never end well.”

“Yeah, trust me, bad idea all the way through.” I smiled a little, returning the high five she offered. We both laughed and glanced over at Alice. I loved my niece with all my heart. “But it’s fine, I’m just really glad I finally got to get over here. The place is gorgeous.”

“You really think so?”

“Definitely,” I smiled.

“Thanks. We wanted to downsize after our first purchase. That house was absolutely stunning, but then the bills just kept piling up, and we didn’t have a single use for that pool in the backyard other than worrying whether or not Alice would fall into it. Well, you know, we would’ve gone in ourselves if we weren’t so busy all the time with her.”

Jaimee paused to smile toward her baby girl, to which Alice replied with a gurgled, “Mommy!” and then went back to eating.

“Yeah, I totally get that. I’m kind of sick of living on the top floor of an apartment building, but I don’t think I’ll be out of there for a while.”

“How are…how are things going with Adan? Good?”

I blinked slowly up at Jaimee, surprised by the brazen question. Every time someone asked me how I was doing with Adan, I faced the same dilemma: be honest or lie?

As usual, I chose the latter.

“Things are going great,” I replied, adding a grin for measure. “I recently won a battle to redo the place, so now it’s a little more homey.”

“Well that’s good!” Jaimee looked down at me with a smile, and as I attempted to match her enthusiasm, I suddenly faltered. Big time.

“Are you…are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I muttered between scattered breaths. “I, uh-“ There it was again. “God, wow.”

“Do you want me to-“

“I’m home!”

Soren provided a perfect distraction from the sensations I felt in my stomach. I noticed Jaimee glancing back at me every few seconds as she walked to greet her husband, but I just tried my best to put on a smile and convince her I was okay. It felt like someone was poking my belly lightly, but…from the inside. And then, just as I grew a little used to it, it went away. Just like that.

“Soren!” I grinned, standing up in order to greet him.

“Hey Val…what brings you over?” I kept noticing the worried glances Jaimee was giving me, but I smiled at her to let her know I was fine. “Come to check out the new place?”

“Actually, yes,” I replied with the forced enthusiasm of a dog lover approached with cats. “And, of course, to see Alice.”

Soren, like Jaimee, looked down to his baby girl at the mention of her name and smiled.

“Yeah, she’s doing alright. Her fourth birthday’s coming up…I think we’re going to throw her a party here. You in?”

“Of course,” I smiled. “June, right?”

“Yeah, June.”

I spent nearly the rest of the day with them, playing with Alice, touring their new home, and, finally, sitting down to lunch with them in their new garden in the back. They asked me to stay for awhile longer, but a glance at the clock quickly revealed to me what I already knew but forgot: my monthly prenatal appointment was approaching and I sure as hell couldn’t be late.

“I think I’ve gotta go,” I said to Jaimee as we finished up the dishes. Soren and Alice’s voices could just barely be heard over the sound of the radio, and I smiled as she let out a tiny, high-pitched laugh.

“Too bad,” she muttered, meeting my eyes. Her eyes quickly flitted down to my stomach as they had several times throughout the day, but she readjusted them on my face in a matter of seconds. “You need to visit again soon.”

“Well I think the next chance I’ll get is Alice’s birthday party in a month or so. Soren said you’re hosting something?”

“Oh, well, yeah. We talked about it. I think it’d be nice to fly in his grandparents so that they can see Alice. They haven’t seen her since Thanksgiving back a few years ago, so it’s probably an overdue visit anyway.”

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to get her a cute gift. Maybe-oh, wait. I almost forgot!

“I brought this for you guys…it’s just something for the house. I hope you like it since I wasn’t able to get around here for so long.”

“Oh, Valerie…” Jaimee replied, grinning as she looked down at the present. “You didn’t need to get us anything. You’re family.”

“Well, exactly, that’s kind of-”

There it was again, that damn poking at my belly. It didn’t hurt, necessarily…just felt weird and caught me off guard every time. I tried to ignore it in order to finish up my conversation with Jaimee, but all too soon the repeating question of whether or not I was hurting the baby wouldn’t stop playing over in my head. I said hasty good byes, gave Alice a kiss on the cheek, and hopped in the car, so thankful that I had an appointment today. What if something was wrong with the baby?

Well, as it turned out, nothing was wrong with the baby, according to my doctor.

“Does it feel like a tickling from the inside of your stomach? Almost like someone is tapping you?” she asked me after I finished voicing my concerns.

“Yes!” I screeched, then lowered my voice in fear that someone would think something was wrong. “I mean, yeah, that’s what it feels like. Is that normal?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she murmured, smiling down at me. “That’s the baby kicking.”

“Kicking?” Okay, that wasn’t what I expected. “At this point in the pregnancy? How is that normal?”

“Ms. Masons, you’re halfway through your second trimester…it’s not that surprising. The baby usually starts kicking right around when you really start to show.”

“Oh.”

“Okay, now if you wouldn’t mind lifting your shirt…”

The doctor assembled her stethoscope and pressed the cold metal first to my chest, then stomach, then back, and then back to my belly.

“Has everything been feeling alright? Have you been gaining any weight, felt cramps, or had any spotting?”

“Uh, um, I think the weight gain thing,” I muttered, suddenly self-conscious to secretly be at the doctor about this. Yes, I’d been here several times throughout the pregnancy, but without Adan and especially without Denis, I was starting to feel the harder effects of being truly alone.

“Okay, well if you could stand up and step over on to this scale, we can check up on how your pregnancy is progressing.”

“So the baby’s and your heartbeats are perfect, and you said you weren’t experiencing any cramps, right?”

“None.”

“That is absolutely perfect. And any spotting at all?”

“I mean, some times a little…is that bad?” My heart clenched up as I awaited her answer, but then once she replied I let out a sigh of relief.

“No problem at all. Just, you know, give us a call if it proceeds or gets worse, alright?”

“Will do.”

“Anything else you wanna ask about? Any irregularities or concerns?”

“Nope, I think…I think that’s all, doc.”

She smiled down at me, and as she did I swore I felt the loneliness I felt deep inside, both at being here alone and having no one I could trust, threaten to consume me.

“Alright, now get on home to your man,” she teased, clearly tired after a long day’s work. She let me know that I could leave whenever and walked out, and that’s when it really hit me.

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do it, even if I had someone by my side. But I needed someone…someone like Adan, who’d sit by and make sure I was okay during all of this. Maybe if I told him, it’d wipe clean all of the issues we were going through since he caught me with Denis. Maybe revealing that I was pregnant to him would make him realize how stupid we’d been in the past few months.

Or, perhaps, that wouldn’t solve our problems. Maybe I needed a different man to go home to. Someone like Denis.

But then, as I thought that idea through, I felt even more stupid than I had already. I’d hardly talked to Denis since our lunch meet-up forever and a couple months ago, and I highly doubted that, outside of short texts every once in a while, he wanted anything to do with me anymore.

But, no matter how many times I told myself I was an idiot, I still jumped in my car, started it up, and drove straight to his street.

“You don’t want anything to do with me, do you?” I shouted upon the door opening. “You never liked me, not even in high school, but you’ve been toying with me all this time for…for what? Some sick prank you never get tired of? Some messed up bet with Freya?”

He stared at me blankly.

“Oh, yeah, real nice! Well, congrats! You succeeded! I have feelings for you, and now I’m destroying my nice, clean, happy relationship because of your sick jokes. Are you ever going to stop and give up on this? On making me think of you 24/7 with absolutely no reciprocation of my feelings? Denis, you are so unbelievably-”

A soft kick in my stomach stopped my tyrant rage for just a moment. Then, again when I felt another kick.

“Valerie, are you…oka-”

I shook my head, breathing beginning to scatter once again.

“Do you need to sit?”

“Are you alright?” He asked, pacing, once I was seated on the couch. “Do you want some…have you been drinking?”

His question hit me like a brick, and it was almost…offensive. He actually thought that the only reason I’d yell at him was if I was drunk? Well, boy, was he wrong.

But, when I tried to get angry at him again, the words wouldn’t form. I couldn’t help the tears as I sat quietly, alone, on the couch.

“Okay, seriously, if you’ve been drinking, I don’t really understand why you’re here of all places. Valerie, you have a boyfriend. And to be quite honest, he’d probably beat the shit out of me if he knew you were here right now! Or…god, does he know you’re here right now?”

I kept my mouth shut.

“Or, wait, are you running away from him? Valerie, is he…is he hurting you?”

His voice broke as he spoke that word, and the simple sound of an unfinished thought drove home all of the feelings I’d been having for him. He talked in long strings, like me, and wasn’t discouraged by no replies. He was…well, he understood. And at a time like this, that’s all I needed to know before taking the next step.

“Denis,” I said brazenly, standing up and meeting him where he stood. “Denis, if I asked you to do something, would you do it?”

“Valerie…” he muttered, meeting my eyes.

“Denis, what if I needed you to do it.”

He sighed deeply and turned away for only a moment. His eyes seemed to be searching the floor for some type of guidance that just wasn’t there. After a few moments, he seemed to have come to a decision and put on a firmer face. “What is it?”

The way he looked at me, with his deep green eyes that seemed to hold all the answers in the world, and his gentle, caring way of making sure I was truly okay, finally broke me. To mask the tears I knew I could no longer hold back, I wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders and gave in as sobs racked my body.

And, to my surprise, he returned the hug. The feel of his worn and battered arms, with so much anger and rage and time deeply imbedded in them, was the most reassuring thing I could have ever received in that moment. He gave me, in a single gesture, what I knew Adan never could in a lifetime, no matter how badly I wished he could. And that’s exactly why I asked the next question that I did.

“Kiss me,” I murmured in his ear, though my voice was shaking. “If you could just…just kiss me…”

“You have a boyfriend,” Denis replied sadly, grabbing hold of my shaking hands. “I can’t kiss you, but I can…I can take away the pain. I promise.”

“It’s not enough…”

“It has to be-”

“But he doesn’t love me…Adan doesn’t-hasn’t ever-loved me….”

“I’m sorry, I just…I can’t.”

“Denis, please, just kiss me,” I begged. Pleading was getting me no where, but all I wanted in that moment was a kiss like the first and only one we ever shared in the rain all those years ago. I leaned in, puckering my lips and waiting for him to meet me halfway. When he didn’t, I opened my eyes.
“Denis, please-”
“No!” he growled, stepping back. “Valerie, I’m not taking another man’s girlfriend away from him. I can’t, I won’t, and I-”
“I told you!” I yelled, frustrated. “He doesn’t love me anymore!”
“Then why the hell are you still with him?!”
I stood back, too, appalled. That was the question I’d been trying to avoid ever since I saw him again. I couldn’t handle answering it because I…well, I didn’t have an answer that he, nor anyone else, would understand. What kind of person was I? If I couldn’t be honest with him, the one whom I was gambling my entire future on, who could I with?
“Because…because…” I choked out. “Because there is…” I pointed to my stomach. “There’s a baby in there.”

The sound that Denis made in reaction to the news was not human at all, and I swore his eyes would pop out of his head. He reminded me exactly why I’d avoided telling anyone until now. With his head extended forward, he stared directly at my stomach.
My hand fell limply to my side.
“H-how long?”
“Four months,” I replied simply, sighing.
“Then you need to stay with him,” he said quietly. “End of story.”
“But Denis-”
“No.”
He backed up and silently walked to his kitchen and started pouring coffee that I hadn’t noticed into a cup. Whatever happened to liking tea? He changed so much…
“Valerie, I-I-” he stopped talking for a second.
“I love you, I really do…god, I love you beyond words, but Valerie…” he buried his face in his hands, turning around. “That child…I won’t be the one to take that child away from the life it deserves, and I’d be damned if I did.”

After a small, apologetic conversation from both our sides, I excused myself. Denis was so angry at me, so unbelievably angry over something that I wanted but never happened. I was surprised. I was shocked. But, most of all, I was simply…exhausted, both mentally and physically. But mostly mentally.

Because this relationship, this one single light at the end of the road that I had spent so many years relying on?

It had gone out because of the dim light I was currently with, and now I had lost, virtually, both.

A kiss, I knew, would have made every problem I had disappear. A kiss to let me know that this man, this bright light that I’d spent so long holding on to, was worth it all. But to him, this light, I was probably nothing. I was moth that wouldn’t let the light be.

And, like all moths, I eventually had to rest. I cried myself into oblivion for so long outside his house that I eventually lost track of time. I stroked my belly as I sobbed, repeating the same thing over and over again: If I lose you, I will be reduced to nothingness.

i hope it’s a girl too!
as well, i am happy that you’re happy over valerie finally telling someone about her sexual abuse…it was seemingly killing her to keep it inside, so i’m glad you’re noticing the obvious effects!
no one likes adan ((;
and last, don’t be cruel! just kidding, i’m glad you feel that passionately. i mean, these are just fictional characters…
and i’m glad you are glad that there are pics! i am glad to have them back too! i was in an in-between stage in terms of computers there for a while, so sorry about that!
thanks for reading, chica!
-j