2.22.2005

Gay Group Alleges Heterosexuals Responsible for Overpopulation

LOS ANGELES--More babies are born now each second than any other time in history, leading to life-threatening and life-ruining results, and a new report by a California-based gay activist group is pointing a stern finger at the heterosexual community.

Finish Up Creating Kids, a grassroots community action group founded by Sharon Murphy in 1997, released a report today that reprimands what they call "irresponsible breeding acts" by the majority of the world's heterosexuals. "It's just sick," Murphy derided in a recent interview. "These heterosexuals are growing up, getting married--and then, since they can't recruit people into their lifestyle, they create them."

Murphy contends that a vast number of heterosexuals are part of a conspiracy she called the "Straight Agenda." Their number one priority is world domination and the complete eradication of fabulous culture.

"Ever since straight men learned to pluck their eyebrows, our whole subculture has gone to pot," an anonymous FUCK staffer told reporters. "They're a very seductive group of people--once one of them does something, the rest follow, and they're raising their kids with the same values."

Among the hardships the earth faces under the oppressive rule of heterosexuals, Murphy states in the report, are widespread homelessness, world hunger and famine, and teen pregnancy.

"You don't see very many pregnant 13-year-old lesbians," Murphy noted. "Gays and lesbians are less likely to engage in unsafe sex leading to conception. It's that simple."

The report comes at a time when many heterosexuals around the world are becoming more informed about the quality of life of their bretheren in other countries and continents.

Murphy is confident she knows where the troubles begin. "Marriage has proved itself to be a breeding ground--literally--for children," she alleges sternly. "Sometimes it seems like the only reason people even get married is to squeeze out a few pups." Murphy also notes that marriage tends to legitimize children who are born out of wedlock. "It's almost like it makes it okay."

The report weighs in at a whopping 320 pages, complete with an appendix that uses anatomical renderings to indicate how heterosexuals manage to create life inside their bodies.

"FUCK will no longer stand and be a party to the depletion of our natural resources," read a recent public service announcment released by the group. "Now is the time to keep zippers at full mast."

"This sickness must end," Murphy pleaded to reporters this afternoon. "Arguments that heterosexuality is genetic are preposterous--this is obviously the result of conditioning by the sickest members of our society."