In Parliament, executives of energy firms try to defend their response to the
recent power cuts, only to be told they neglected their customers to an
'astonishing' degree

MPs were interrogating the bosses of energy firms over the power cuts during the recent storms and floods. The hearing was timely, coming just days after David Silvester, a Ukip councillor, broke the news that the terrible weather had been caused by God’s displeasure at the legalisation of gay marriage.

Yet, amazingly, not one MP even mentioned the true source of this meteorological disaster. If only Ukip had an MP of its own. Unlike those bumbling fools from the LibLabCon, he or she – let’s face it, probably he – would have got to the nub of the issue like a shot.

“Right. Question one. You energy fat cats all know perfectly well that the gayest parts of this country are Oxfordshire, Cornwall, Devon, Dorset, Gloucestershire and, in particular, Yalding in Kent, which is notorious throughout the world as the gay capital of England. Inevitably, these areas of high gay density were the ones worst hit by the storms. Why didn’t you do more in advance to protect customers in those areas? Well?”

“Er… With the greatest respect, sir, I’m not absolutely sure that…”

“Oh for goodness’ sake, man. The facts speak for themselves! God was angry about gays, hence He flooded areas of exceptional gayness, such as Henley and Salisbury, while leaving proudly heterosexual areas – such as London’s Old Compton Street – dry as a bone. Come on, this is basic stuff.”

“And by the way – where is God? I’ve got a lot of questions to ask Him about these power cuts. Frankly I consider it contempt of Parliament that He hasn’t shown up for this hearing. I shall be writing Him a very sternly worded letter.”

In the absence of both God and Ukip, energy bosses did their best to explain what had happened. They had, they insisted, done all they could to help those who’d lost power in the storms – or, as they preferred to put it, “the weather event”. They kept saying it: “the weather event”, “the weather event”. The phrase made it sound quite fun, as though it were a must-see show for all the family. (“A meteorological tour de force, with superb use of wind and lightning, although the rain becomes a little repetitive after the first six days. Four stars” – Witney Gazette.)

“I’ve heard nothing at all which reassures me that you’re taking this problem seriously enough,” he said crossly, dangling his spectacles from one hand in the manner of a disgusted headmaster. “I have to conclude that you are exploiting your privileged monopoly position and you have displayed a neglect of your customers which I personally find absolutely astonishing.” Pause. “But thank you all for coming in.”

In silence, like disgraced schoolboys, the energy bosses gathered up their belongings and filed out.

God’s appearance before the select committee remains to be confirmed, but committee sources say they’re hoping to squeeze Him in before Whitsun recess.