I knew straight away I couldn't keep it

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of this year, I knew straight away I couldn't keep it as I was 21, not financially secure at all, the father and I are both performers which would have meant giving up our entire career, I wasn't in a stable relationship and it wouldn't have been fair on the baby, father or myself. At first I didn't tell the father. I felt like I knew I was pregnant after I skipped my first period but didn't like to believe it so kept putting off getting a pregnancy test until 1 day I knew I would have to face the truth. I brought 2 pregnancy tests and they both came back positive. I called my friend not knowing what to do and she got me an appointment at the local doctors. I went to my appointment and took another pregnancy test which obviously came back positive. My doctor explained all my options and also told me that there was support with whatever option I chose. I chose abortion and so she booked me in with the local clinic about 6 days later. When I left the doctors it hit me and I just stood outside and cried. When I went to the clinic I went for a scan which told me I was 8 weeks pregnant. I opted for the surgical abortion and was booked in for a few days later. I was also tested with a swab that I was able to do myself for chlamydia which was optional and a blood test. I got home that night and was still arguing with myself as to whether to tell the father. I don't think anyone can say whether you should or shouldn't as it completely depends on the circumstances and your views. He was about to leave on tour for 9 months and as I say we were just friends however seeing him that night I knew I had to. He was shocked but supportive and am so glad I told him. I don't think I could have come out the other end and him be completely unaware, going along his every day life, but that is completely my personal view and was right for me and him at the time. When I went in for the abortion I was given 2 tablets to start the process. I then had to sit and wait on a chair in a hospital gown with us all in separate cubicles. All the other women were fine, quite happy and comfortable. I on the other hand did have a reaction to the tablets meaning I had bad sickness, diarrhoea and cramps. Now I am told this is a very very rare reaction however it is in the side effects which I was told about before taking the tablets. I had to wait a while for the tablets to do their job and then I was taken into surgery. The doctors were lovely talking to me about everyday things. Next thing I know I am waking up in a bed. I just opened my eyes and started crying with relief. I suddenly felt like my life was back on track again. I was told to lie there until my blood pressure was back to normal and I wasn't allowed to leave until I had been to the toilet. Once that was all sorted I was absolutely fine. I had read some stories of being in pain after but I literally didn't feel anything I was completely fine. I was so relieved and happy I can't explain. 11 months later I can honestly say I think about it at least once a day. Really, I have no regrets, I know 100% I was not ready to raise a child and know I couldn't have done it, physically, emotionally, financially.. However not a day goes by where I don't think "I would be having a baby now", "I'd have a baby now", "this would be my baby's first Christmas".. I really want to help as many people as I can who are going through this emotional roller coaster and I get everyone's experience and circumstances are different but more people have been through this than you think and you are not the only 1. My love goes out to anyone who is going through this x

Editor's Comment

I think that we often bury emotions and heart responses and just consider the material and circumstantial effects of an unplanned pregnancy. This can mean that you are unprepared for emotional feelings of longing and thoughts of 'what if...'While you can still have no regrets about your decision, it is still important to acknowledge the losses a decision has produced as well as the gains, and not try to blank out the consequences of your decision both positive and painful. for post abortion support.