The Swass Report

Monday, October 25, 2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Rock, Rock, Rock! Rock you with the Rock!

Man, even when Christian rockers sell their souls to the devil they still suck.
Apparently all rock music is designed by the devil, even Christian rock. So if you listen to any rock music, Jesus is not your Homeboy. Rap may be safe though. They didn't say anything about the rap music. But apparently this is how it works: The devil will give you a big record contract that you have to sign in blood and then the band members will become homosexuals and fall in love with each other and get aids. I've learned all of this from a comic strip. Salvation is too late for me, as I worship Rock n' Roll Jesus (which is Nikki Sixx as he has risen from the dead).
If you listen to rock music, any rock music, you worship satan.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

You Minnesotans Disappoint Me.

How is it that your greatest local legend does not have a single fan page? I am of course speaking of the Trent Tucker, former announcer of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball team. I want to be able to dig through archives of the Trent Tucker's best quotes. However, I am unable to since you guys do not support the Trent Tucker. I figure that at least 110% of the Minnesotans will have to get to work on this if the Trent Tucker is going to get a Trent Tucker fan page. The other 25% of Minnesotans will have to make at least 100% of their freethrows if the Timberwolves are going to win this year.

Man, are those Republicans wacky! Apparently when Karl isn't busy concocting lies about Bush's opponent and promising to deliver him the state of South Carolina, he's just a crazy prankster. I mean seriously, sitting in front of the Air Force One's tire is comic gold. I can't wait to see what he does next. Maybe he'll do his best Homer Simpson impersonation and try to eat the tire after drooling and mumbling "mmmm....donut." Or maybe he'll pull a fast one on McCain and tell the people that McCain fathered a black daughter out of wedlock and then call him a homosexual. Nevermind, he's already used that joke.

Monday, October 18, 2004

My New Favorite Camera

Screw digital photography. My new favorite camera is the Holga with the Polariod attachment. It's a plastic medium format camera that has many flaws, but takes awesome pictures. It also helps if you have good models.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

You Touch My Tra La La

Oh man, this guy is totally rad. He looks like a cross between Eddie "the greased weasel" Guerrero and Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip. Not only does he have one of the sweetest mustaches I've ever seen, but an awesome mullet. It is Samson-esque in it's power to attract the ladies. He's got pictures on his site to prove it. Seriously, he's made me bi-polar. I'm ecstatic to know that a man this freakin' awesome exists, and deeply depressed at the same time since it's made me realize that I have no chance whatsoever to be even a third as cool as him.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Stew only wears Loinclothes

That's right. Rumor has it from a very credible source that Stew, who you may remember from such films as Candy from Strangers and Weak Men Can't Wrestle(but apparently they can Ultra Run), has taken to wearing nothing but a loincloth 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Man, I love rumors. Especially the part where you spread them like a virus.
So remember STEW = Loincloth Lovin' Man (or maybe Quasi-man).
I'd post a picture of Stew in a loincloth to prove it, but his security guards took my camera and exposed all the film.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Final Notice!

The best picture at a Guttenberg Day party contest ends tomorrow.
Considering that I haven't recieved any pictures yet, you may want to consider sending one that sub-par because it could win you a free shirt. You don't even have to pay for the postage. I actually send the stuff too. Just ask Paul. He won a sandwich once

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Who's Doodlin' for Hunger?

That's right, the one, the only....Steve Guttenberg.
Or should I say who doodled for hunger back in 2001.
I'm having a hard time figuring out if that's when this took place, or if the Gutte just submitted a doodle from 2001 that he had up on his fridge and decided that it could be used better by giving it to a charity to sell and feed people.
I'm using a Mac now and haven't figured out how to best post pictures with it yet, so you'll have to click here to see the magnificence of the Gutte's doodle. (that's sounds a little dirty doesn't it?)

I thought the first ever "National Steve Guttenberg Day" went pretty well. However as the weekend wrapped up and I still haven't recieved any pictures of people's parties, I can only conclude that this celebration wasn't as National as I'd hoped it would be. This makes me very sad. I offered a free shirt to the best picture for god's sake! People sign up for credit cards they don't want from some stranger on the street just for the free shirt. They give them all their personal information, just for a t-shirt and a pretty crappy one at that. I can only hope that everyone's parties are still going strong, and that this is the reason I have not yet recieved any submissions to win the shirt. The contest will end on this Friday. That will give any of you that need to develop and scan the pictures, time to do so.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Back to the Grind

Well, I hope "National Steve Guttenberg Day" treated you well (start sending in those pictures to johnnynothumbs1@hotmail.com), and that your boss is giving you a "Recover from NSGD Day". My boss did not, so it's back to the grind. Speaking of which, one unnamed popstar should back off the grind. She's getting to be a little too much. Let's bring back the popstar we all loved. Let's get her to take off the trucker hats and put those pigtails back in.