John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

On being "Ruled from the Grave" There's truth in that phrase, but Grief Recovery can break the bondage of that tyranny. (Published 12-27-11)

Q:

My mother passed away suddenly in 2007. We were never close as I grew up because she was abusive and addicted to prescription pain medication. I still feel very angry at her sometimes because of the way our relationship was left when she died. Is it normal to feel angry towards somone who is dead?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Linsey,

Thanks for your note and question.

The answer is YES! It is very normal to feel anger towards someone who has died.

If the relationship was not repaired before she died, her death leaves it in the exact negative condition it was in when she was still alive.

You’ve probably heard the old expression, about being “ruled from the grave.” This situation is the perfect example of why that expression is so accurate.

But, as is painfully obvious, you cannot get your mother back alive and talk directly with her in an attempt to repair the damage caused by what she did and didn’t do during your childhood.

The good news is that there are things you can do to become emotionally complete with your mother even though she is no longer alive, and in doing that, have some freedom from your past.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you’ll find your anger diminishing, and you’ll discover a newfound ability to live more effectively in real time and not in the past.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.