Detox Your Marriage

Three steps to eliminate the negative and rediscover the joy in your marriage.

Picture a marriage with no negativity, shame, or blame. Believe it or not, it's possible.

Here are three steps you can take to detoxing your marriage.

1. Stop verbal abuse

It goes without saying that any form of abuse in unacceptable in a relationship. (We will not be addressing psychological or physical abuse in this article). Verbal abuse can be a silent killer of relationships because many people do not realize that they are being abusive. It is not always easy to measure since there is no visible proof. But lashing out to voice grievances chips away at the trust in a relationship, to the point that couples often disengage because their marriage is no longer safe. You may temporarily feel better getting your feelings out in an explosive way, but it's at a great cost to your marriage.

While you may be aware of the more obvious cases of verbal abuse such as yelling and name-calling, there are more subtle forms which do equally as much damage such as blaming or shaming. Sarcastic remarks, putdowns, nagging and griping sap the warmth and love from a marriage, causing disconnection and cycles of negativity. For a relationship to thrive, these toxic comments must be eliminated.

2. Act for the sake of the relationship

When you are about to make a comment, take a moment and think about the effect it will have on your relationship. Will it enhance your connection or not? If the answer is no, exercise restraint.

This reminds me of the famous Talmudic story (Shabbos 31a) of a convert who asked Hillel to teach him the entire Torah on one foot. Hillel responded, “That which is hateful to your friend, do not do. All the rest is commentary. Go and study it.” Commenting on this passage Rabbi Dov Ber, the Maggid of Mezeritch translated “your friend” to mean your “connection” (in Hebrew the two words share the same root). In any relationship, whether it is with God or with your friend, the goal is connection. Therefore every thought, word, or action needs to be evaluated as to whether or not it will foster a deep connection or detract from it. Let us ask ourselves, will this thought, word, or action be helpful for our relationship with our spouse? Will it nurture the relationship or will it damage it? Even if you are feeling angry or hurt, it is important to possess the wisdom of one who can foresee the long-term outcome of his/her choices.

If you are feeling upset or frustrated in your relationship, a more productive way of expressing those feelings is to articulate the request or unmet need that lies beneath them. What do you need from your spouse?

It is easy to get so wrapped up in the conflict that you forget what you are fighting for. Take a few moments to become aware of what you are doing and discover what it is that you really want.

Nagging, blaming, criticizing, only drives the other person away.

The bottom line is that you are angry because there is something from your spouse that you are not getting. Nagging, blaming, shaming, criticizing, goes nowhere except to drive the other person away. Asking directly for what you want is a much more productive way to get what you need.

There is an important rule to asking for what you want. Be careful not to add a threat to your request. For instance, if you ask your spouse to spend more time with you and you add that you will go elsewhere if the request is not met, you are unlikely to get the results you truly want as you are setting up an unsafe environment. The main thing is to be able to ask for what you want in the context of safety.

One way to do that is to take responsibility for your feelings and speak about them in a mature way. One manner in which this can be accomplished is by sampling making “I” statements. Instead of criticizing, blaming, or shaming when we are feeling hurt, try: “I feel sad or belittled when you talk to me like that.” When you put the focus on yourself you are decreasing the potential for reactivity from your spouse. While one can dispute the facts, one cannot argue about a feeling. By making an “I” statement, you have removed the threat, and in turn, created safety.

If you have been hurt, it may appear to be an insurmountable task to detox your marriage. How can you not harp on past wrongdoings? Yet to move forward you must eliminate blame, shame, and criticism to the best of your ability. These are toxic behaviors that poison your marriage. By implementing positive changes into your relationship you can detox your marriage and rediscover the joy and blessing marriage has to offer.

Some of the ideas in this article are from Imago Therapy, by Dr Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr Helen Lakelly Hunt.Excerpted from Rabbi Slatkin’s new book Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage, available for download at http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over

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About the Author

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is a Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist working with couples, singles, and families and international lecturer on relationships. He is the author of The Jewish Marriage Book: How to Improve Your Relationship One Jewish Holiday at a Time which is available for free on www.theMarriageRestorationProject.com

Visitor Comments: 9

(8)
Anonymous,
March 12, 2014 1:08 PM

When a third person causes clash between the couple

Myself and my husband are always happy until his sister or mother enters in. They always try to belittle me and want him to do things according to their wish. They interfere in every matter infact recently they were planning to get my children to my SIL's place without informing me. My husband never speaks against them and gets hurt when I talk about them to him. I can not go directly to them and ask to stop all this non sense. I know my husband loves me and I too love him a lot. But when these ladies come into picture everything gets changed, I lose my patience and talk non sense in front of my husband to let my anger and frustration out. He keeps quiet and we dont speak to each other for next few days. I want to get rid of these drama queens in my life and want to have my happy life and happy family. How to make it possible, please help. Thanks a lot

(7)
Anonymous,
January 8, 2013 10:26 AM

asking is indeed the solution

Since the hiusband cannot read minds asking is the only solution. I ask him but sometimes he just forgets and when I remember him he is the one who gets angry. What should I then do in this situation?

(6)
Bobby5000,
September 3, 2011 6:22 PM

Orthodox Judaism meets New Age Psychology

Traditional Judaism conceives man and woman as two halves of a whole. Consider understand, and learn from gender differences, and the strengths of each. .
1. Men Games and Solutions, Boys' games and activities are goal oriented. You win or build something and accomplish something tangible. When discussing things with men, they are comfortable in the role, of finding solutions or achieving a specific goal.
2. Women and Verbalization Girl's activiites are more diffuse and undefined. One may play with dolls or pretend to be someone such as a mother. Women are comfortable talking and relating to people, and discussing their feelings.
A man should hesitate before jumping in with solutions. Since women solve problems through verbalization, saying there is nothing to worry about accomplishes nothing except angering the women. A husband should instead acknolwedges the validity of his wife's concerns.
3. Criticism Women frequently engage in self-criticism and may speak bluntly of close family members; mothers and daughters may have candid frequent discussions unlike the typical father and son. However, that does not mean she should translate that in routine discussions with her husband. She can say I can't believe I did this and was so stupid, but not I can't believe you did that and are so stupid.
It is particular annoying to the average husband to see his wife treat casual acquiantance carefully with effusive compliments while he only receives blunt criticism.

(5)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2011 10:59 AM

Excellent advice

Thank you for publishing this article. Since I read it yesterday I have: kept my mouth shut (a few times!) instead of saying some cutting remarks and even more wonderful (I even told my husband that I'm surprised that I managed this) instead of sulking, expressed my feelings regarding some patronizing, controlling words he directed toward me. May we all be blessed to choose words to build mutually respectful & loving marriages.

(4)
YehudahLeib Fisher,
September 1, 2011 7:37 AM

Wrong

English humour: The marriage counsellor said to the husband and wife: "If this marriage is going to work, you have to say to each you're wrong." They turned to each other and said: "You're wrong."

(3)
anonymous,
August 31, 2011 12:26 AM

only works for husbands who talk

if you are married to a man who does not communicate well, then this will not help. he isn't interested in your feelings.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 30, 2011 2:46 PM

Each partner must see a problem

If one partner denies that they are doing anything wrong, and says "if only YOU would change (be happy when you come home, not argue, fill in the action/behavior) then everything would be OK, you won't be able to change the situation. It will only work if BOTH parties agree that there is a problem and that they each want to make it better. "I" statements are the way to go; but if someone doesn't care about what you say or think, what is the point? Verbal abuse also manifests itself in not saying anything- no greetings, no asking how was your day, no interest. It takes 2 interested and willing people to change a relationship. It is tough to continualy try to improve a relationship when you are continually being knocked down.

Anonymous,
August 31, 2011 11:21 AM

I had a similar situation

My husband was always telling me if only you would change.
Needless to say most of the issues were HIS...
The fact that I always wanted to go to counseling showed that I am willing to do whatever it takes. He did not want to go.
While it is not easy he DID always know of his problems and later realized about more issues (that were HIS issues that he would benefit taking care of even if he was single, but they also affected the marriage ) SLOWLY things are improving but it is /did take a long and difficult time.
Seems to me that the more issues a husband has the more he is unwilling to deal/talk/take care of problems and issues in the marriage cause he would have to face the fact that HE has issues he must address/change.
I WOULD advise consulting with someone professional even by yourself.
If you could find that (for example) he has low self esteem issues you could possibly buy a good book about it (for yourself of course) and hope that he would notice it and take interest in it (you could say-" I think I may have low self esteem problem so I am reading this book to help me, I cannot believe it but so many people have low self esteem issues especially the smartest and most talented ones")
If he thinks about YOU and your issues he might be able to think about his issues
lots of Hatzlacha to us all!
and don't forget to Daven to Hashem always!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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