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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

REVERB: beautifully different

December 8 – Beautifully Different.Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

You have got to be kidding me! You want me to think of things I do that light people up? Can't I just reflect on all of my terrible qualities and mistakes? Pretty please...... Fine, I'll give it a try.

In a certain way, I am very innocent. I genuinely believe in basic human decency, that people are kind and fair and honest. Whenever I encounter evidence to the contrary I am genuinely shocked. I don't seem able to be truly jaded, which is sort of uncomfortable in our current culture, but also, I think, good. I would rather expect people to be better than they are and sometimes be disappointed by reality than the other way around.

I don't know if this is something about me that is "different," but I am very open. While I may be introverted, I'm not private, and I only hesitate to share my darkest foibles when I fear making other people uncomfortable. I appreciate the same level of honesty from others, as well -- I like reading the Annie Lamott style of personal essay, with complete gut spilling.

At my best, I'm pretty guileless, which I think ties together both of the above points. The cynics would have me believe that the world is out to take advantage of me, but I honestly have not found that to be the case. And even if it were, I think that the cost of being other than I am would be too high. As inconvenient as it often is, I can not pretend to be someone I'm not. This has often felt like a curse, but I think it is really a blessing. The fact is, I don't *want* to compromise who I am in order to fit in/succeed. Ok, that's not entirely true. Part of me really does want to be able to do that, but I refuse to apologize for not doing so. I'm tired of being told that I have to be this, that, or something else. It's funny, but I'm more uncomfortable talking about this than about my depression. I think most people would be more ashamed of the latter, but it's the former that I most want to hide.