New day

I had a nice conversation with someone today and it’s got possibilities. At least friendship if nothing else. Nice guy. Nice enough that I cleaned out my text messages finally. In the process I came across another old bone of contention between my ex and I about communicating with his job. I still don’t understand what happened there. I called to verify his story about being fired and that was all. I called a second time to see if they had heard from him because at the time, the idea that he may have relapsed was in the air. I stopped after that because he asked me too and because it wasn’t my problem. To have heard him tell it, I had been up in their faces asking questions and looking for information and apparently he uncritically accepted that idea. It is totally baseless. I don’t trust his old job because of the way they worked him and were allowing him to hide from the rest of his life. Just re-reading his accusations takes the wind out of my sails. He said that I attempted to negate everything he did as a show of power. Again, that has no basis in fact. I have no idea what he was talking about and he refused to explain himself as if I should already know what he meant. Insanity. Just total insanity. I still care for him deeply. I wish I understood what he was talking about, I wish he would have explained. I feel that sense of desperation again just re-reading his texts. I needed to delete them. I just couldn’t bring myself to not hang onto the evidence of his abuse of me and our relationship. I have saved one where he threatened himself rather than me for a change. He was crying and angry and desperate and blaming me for all his problems with no explanation. I am re-breaking my own heart by having re-read his texts. It was past time to delete them.

My observations as an artistic, writer, blogger, computer geek, humanist, mental health activist, lifelong learning and researcher of life living with lifelong severe depression, anxiety, social anxiety with agoraphobia, PTSD, A Nervous Breakdown, as well as a Survivor of Sexual Abuse and Rape.

A collective of bibliophiles talking about books. Book Fox (vulpes libris): small bibliovorous mammal of overactive imagination and uncommonly large bookshop expenses. Habitat: anywhere the rustle of pages can be heard.