NEWS (Page 2)

August 4, 2012

Roland is seen here celebrating this historic milestone.

TROY LUKKARILA BLOWS OFF HIS HAND

July 4, 2012

Tragedy struck beloved artist Troy Lukkarila when a pyrotechnics device he was holding exploded, completely obliterating
his hand during Independence Day celebrations. He was drinking a beer while waiting for an ambulance while he
addressed reporters. "We like to play a game where we see who will hold the firework in their hand the longest
after the fuse is lit. Well, I won because I'm awesome," he told reporters. Troy remains optimistic that doctors
will be able to repair the damage. "They'll fix this shit right up. I'll be playing guitar again in a week. You'll
see."
Please keep Troy in your thoughts and prayers.

TORO COMPANY REQUESTS VIDEO REMOVAL

April 21, 2012

We received a message from Toro requesting that we remove a video -- the one that reviews one of Toro's mowers for
safety. The message was polite, so we chose to take the high road and not make fun of them. Also, we feel sorry
for them because our channel has over a million more video views than poor little Toro's channel. Also,
we have more subscribers. However, we will not be removing the video. Here is their message for your reading
pleasure.

Subj: YouTube video of Toro 2 Cycle GTS Mower

We, at The Toro Company, are committed to producing high-quality and safe mowers. Therefore, we were deeply
concerned to see your video (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBrSkdtpPIw) that puts the safety of a young child at serious risk -- and
the message it sends to others.

Due to our strong concerns over the content of this video, we request that you please remove it from YouTube
immediately.

The Toro Company

TROY LUKKARILA STARTS A SUPPORT GROUP

November 23, 2011

TROY LUKKARILA DISCOVERS BIO STATION ALPHA ON KIM KARDASHIAN'S ASS

June 11, 2011

Few people know Troy Lukkarila is an amateur asstronomer. Lately, he has been reviewing data sent back from the NASA ass
surveyor, which has managed to map nearly the entire surface of Kim Kardashian's ass. This data is available
to the public and can be seen on Google Ass. Troy found this anomaly which demands explanation:

Is there life on Kim Kardashin's ass?

TROY LUKKARILA RAPTURED AWAY

May 21, 2011

Troy Lukkarila's clothes were discovered on the sidewalk outside of his home in Jacksonville, Florida. Authorities have not
been able to locate Troy, however, we're not sure they're actually trying to locate him. At this point we can
only assume that Troy was raptured away by the holy spirit and he is enjoying his time in the kingdom of heaven
where God can finally bask in Troy's glory.

FOLLOWUP:

We perhaps were a little premature in our assertion that Troy Lukkarila was raptured away to heaven. He was discovered the
next day dazed and confused, naked in a ditch, several miles from his home. He was unable to recollect exactly
how he got there.

Troy later made the following statement: "Look, I may not have been raptured, but this was still God's work. I mean, if being
transported several miles away from your house isn't proof of God, I don't know what is... or aliens. It could
have been aliens. Anyway, whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me being really drunk."

"WWGD?" BUMPER STICKERS AVAILABLE AT CAFEPRESS

June 18, 2011

We here at LukaLips Destruction Co love the big G. While we await his triumphant return, you can show your faith in the king
of all monsters by ordering one of these bumper stickers. Spread the word! Get one
here.

ALAN JUSTISS
March 7, 1943 - February 14, 2011

Goodbye, Maestro.

LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION CO CREATES A NEW CHARITY FOR KIDS

June 18, 2010

June 6, 2010

There was much celebrating in the labs of Lukalips Destruction Co., this weekend. Chants of "We did it! We did it!"
were heard emanating from the offices. They are celebrating a breakthrough in human/animal gene splicing. Scientists
in the Lukalips'; genetics lab have successfully combined the genes of company leader Troy Lukkarila with the
genes of several other animals to create a brand new species. Said one scientist, "It has always been my
dream to create an abomination of nature.

"We still have much to learn," explained scientist Dr. Linda Snardgrass, "We don't even know
what to feed it, except we have found it to have an affinity for beer. So, we just kind of keep it liquored up."
When asked what animals comprise this new species, Dr. Snardgrass replied "Hell, I don't know. We threw
all kinds of shit in there. We kind of lost track."

March 29, 2010

November 5, 2009

Editorial by Troy Lukkarila:

OK, I get it! Stealing copper from air conditioners is wrong! But did I deserve this? Wasn't the punishment
just a bit excessive? I spent three hours eating off my own leg to escape this ridiculous bear trap! That's three
hours I'll never get back! And I had to do all without anything to drink and without a side dish. I mean, sure
my leg tasted good and all, but it was too much of a good thing. Now if I had a little salad and some wine to
offset the flavor, the whole experience wouldn't have been so bad. Anyway, that was one of my favorite legs and
I'm going to miss it. Bear traps suck!

From the mouth of Troy:

I'm not a genius, but I was hoping I'd fool at least one person.

From the mouth of Troy:

I'd tell you the irony of it all, but I've never really understood irony.