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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Why New York Will Most Likely Be Golfing During the Postseason

We should acknowledge that we understand that the Yankees are still in the running for the Wild Card (so don't post any links to the comments section of this blog or to our Facebook page with "proof" that the Yankees are mathematically capable of achieving a playoff spot), whereas the Mets are definitely NOT going to the postseason...unless they're attending games as personal guests of the Atlanta Braves. That being said, we're going to tell you exactly what went wrong for the Yankees and Mets this year and why that's going to equal New York postseason failure.

Allow us to begin with the Mets:

It all began with Johan Santana and quickly went downhill from there. There are currently 9 players on the Mets 40-man roster that are on the DL.

Matt Harvey's final win-loss record before heading to the DL is 9-5 and he boats a 2.27 ERA. Truth be told, he should probably be more like 12-3, but his offense consists of a pack of duds.

Pitching (except for Matt Harvey)

This:

Now for the Yankees:

Like the Mets, the Yankees have been plagued by injuries. Most notably: Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson, and Derek Jeter.

They're physically incapable of defeating the Red Sox. The Red Sox are the Yankees' kryptonite.

The Trio of Death. AKA: The Victory Vacuum:

The real reason why the Yankees will not make it to the playoffs:

Now, before you call us crazy, hear us out. We have a theory. We've never had two of our teams be successful during the same season. You will, no doubt, argue several points with us:

The 2000 Subway Series

The 1986 World Series Championship Mets/80's dynasty of the Islanders

The Rangers consistent postseason appearances

Mets were last in the playoffs in 2006 whereas the Yankees also had a playoff appearance that year

The Giants won the Superbowl in 2007 and 2011. While the Mets did not see the postseason those years, the Yankees did

Have we listed all of your arguments? Allow us to now tear them down and crap on them (faster than you can post a link to our blog/Facebook page in an attempt to prove us wrong).

1. The Subway Series: Someone had to lose this series. In this case, it was the Mets. Therefore, Lisa was unhappy. This directly supports our theory of two of our teams cannot be successful. During this same year, the Giants made a playoff appearance, but failed to accomplish anything exciting.
2. The 80's: Yes, both the Mets and Islanders were successful during this time period. In 1986, the Islanders even saw playoff action. Here's the problem with this one. Serena was 4 in 1986 and Lisa was 8. Serena's definition of a "championship" at this point in time was convincing her Mema to give her a Stella Doro cookie despite not having finished her milk because milk sucks. Lisa had not yet been introduced to the Islanders because a) Brother hadn't been born yet and b) she and Serena hadn't met yet. Therefore, this only equals to ONE of our teams being successful.
3. Rangers: We hate the Rangers, therefore their continual success is meaningless. To be frank, it actually infuriates us. Truth be told, they're a-holes.
4. Mets & Yankees being 2006 playoff contenders: The Yankees got bumped in the first round (pretty miserably in fact) and the Mets suffered from Carlos Beltran-itis.
5. The Giants' Superbowl wins: The Yankees' playoff performance during those years was abysmal. Therefore your argument is erroneous.

Why blame the Islanders for this season's mishaps? Simple. For the first time in eons, the Islanders showed great tenacity and made it to the playoffs. Granted, they lost to the Penguins in the first round, but not without giving those tool boxes a run for their money. Naturally, this explains why Eli Manning and the Giants have looked like total ass clowns so far this season and why the Mets and Yankees have limped toward October.

Trust us, we want more than anything for this theory not to be true, but it just can't be so. It's like when really attractive individuals have zero sense of humor/personality. It's proof that whatever higher being you believe in does not want anyone to have everything. For example, Michael Bolton had a successful music career despite a mullet and a face only a mother could love. "Talented," yet unpleasant to the eye. Can't have everything.

11 comments:

Despite my natural inclination to find fault with anything New York (which I admit is due to small mindedness and jealousy) , I do feel I have to point out the biggest reason for BaseBall Post-Season failure by the Bombers.

Even if they make it to the post-season, that roster will include one Alex Rodriguez.

Nothing they accomplish will remove the blight of that douche wearing the pin stripes . . .

We can have an entire blog post dedicated to the pros and cons of Alex Rodriguez and whether he's a benefit or a hindrance to a team's lineup. But this isn't going to be that blog post. The fact of the matter is they've managed to do what they've done with and without him. He's technically only been with the team for 20% of the season and regardless of his presence and absence, they've continued to perform at a consistent most of the season. The incessant failures have come at the hands of the three men mentioned above.