I've found that i have two directions I can go in to relieve stress - one takes me inside myself - yoga, a hot bath, being creative, reading a book, petting my dogs, tending a garden...and one takes me into the outdoors by hiking, boating, exploring nature and so on. I consider those healthy.

Then there is the less healthy "venting of stress" kind of path - like meeting friends at a bar to blow off steam, ranting about my life on a forum or on the phone to people, watching TV. I guess for some people watching sports and playing video games also fall into this kind of venting off behavior. Not 'bad for you' stuff...but also nothing to make one grow inside, as a person, IMO.

I have read many books about stress over the years - Amazon keeps sending them to me to review. In almost every study I've read, the "ranting" technique is counter productive. If you let yourself get all worked up and angry about something, and start yelling, then it teaches you to yell about things to feel better. It creates a cycle. It also teaches others around you, who model on your behavior to yell. It spreads the anger.

The books all recommend - and I believe strongly - that reducing stress needs to come from within. Stress is created by your own body, with how you choose to react to stressors. If you create a healthy body system, with a firmly grounded core, with baths, with books, with a loving family and a network of friend, then things which might stress others have less effect on you.

For example, some people get furious when they are in a traffic jam. Then then rant to friends about it and get more furious the next time. Other people are calm in a traffic jam, they listen to the radio and make the best of what they have in life.

I'm not exactly sure of what I do to stay grounded, but I do know that "ranting" or Venting", even though it is said by some that it is good for you, to blow off steam, does not make me feel better. It makes me not feel good about myself, because while venting, you say things that you possibly don't mean, you might say mean things to someone that you can't take back.

IMO, the spoken word is a powerful thing. I believe that once you say a thing out loud, it puts it out in the universe. That may cause reverbrations (?) (not sure if this is the right word) like for every action there is a re-action, to put it simply. And if this is someone you care about, they might forgive you but probably never forget it!

So self control is important to me. I work on that and talk to myself about it, like, "think about that first" or OKOKOKOK!, just keep quiet dont say that don't say anything till I've thought it out sleep on it! It's hard and I can't always manage it, but it works for me.

Excersise your brain. To hone your skills to focus, to think differently, in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.When you feel good about yourself, other people feel good about you.

I am certainly not talking about yelling, or putting down others. By venting I mean talking on and on about my poor little pathetic life situations.

It doesn't make me feel any better, true, but often leads to a helpful conversation with someone with a suggestion for me. And it helps me feel less alone. I am pretty much alone all day every day. So this is one way to feel connected to others.

Actually, a venting email I sent to my mom today resulted in her helping me out. She called my propane company to straighten something out, and called in my meds for me. These were things that were twisting me up inside and she easily made those phone calls so i would not have to get upset. So in that sense, my poor-me whining resulting in getting actual useful help.

I think what I need to learn to do for next time, is to sit down and figure out what exactly I need help with, and then figure out if someone can actually do something for me, and then ask. Instead of moaning on and on about my stress, I can try to be proactive, yes?

Tweetymom, I completely agree with you that words are power, and that what we speak of we make real in our lives.

Lisa, i really am learning to avoid getting started down the paths that trigger my stress, even if it makes me seem a bit weird. If I can replace those trigger situations with some of the healthy stress-relievers I mentioned, I think I will be on the road to feeling mentally healthy.

Good point about the traffic jam!

Tweetymom, does saying to yourself, "think about it first" come naturally yet, or is that not yet a firm habit?

In my dreams! LOL ! Well, being human and not perfect, I would have to say not completely a firm habit yet. But a large percent of the time, I think of it when I'm faced with something that really affects me or makes me mad. One thing that helps me is I DO NOT LIKE TO BE ANGRY! I've been working on this kinds of things for a long time though, and I've found that the more time you have to yourself, the faster you can make changes in your brain. I put notes up in my house where I look frequently, like "Be Still", or "your brain takes what you say literally", or "it takes a certain amount of time to make changes in your brain, so do it in small increments".

I guess I should say at this point that there are some prime examples of times when I got caught up in some subject on this forum! Al you can do is keep going forward and keep working on whatever you are working on. And LOL I firmly believe that if you think you never make a mistake, something is very wrong!

And IMO, I try to see every little thing because if I don't, that one tiny little thing I missed could possibly rise up and there would go my good (hopefully) Karma! LOL

I'm not exactly sure of what I do to stay grounded, but I do know that "ranting" or Venting", even though it is said by some that it is good for you, to blow off steam, does not make me feel better. It makes me not feel good about myself, because while venting, you say things that you possibly don't mean, you might say mean things to someone that you can't take back.

IMO, the spoken word is a powerful thing. I believe that once you say a thing out loud, it puts it out in the universe. That may cause reverbrations (?) (not sure if this is the right word) like for every action there is a re-action, to put it simply. And if this is someone you care about, they might forgive you but probably never forget it!

I agree with you completely, you put that so well! Yes the word is reverberations, that is an awesome mental image. Yes, I feel you are so right. If you yell and spew anger, then the people you are spewing at feel anger, so then they react with anger and defensiveness, and it just builds. It doesn't help anything.

It is really amazing, in talking with people, just how powerful words really are, especially ones spoken in anger. A friend of mine's husband was told - at age 6 by his father - that he was a F up and everything he touched turned to trash. This was probably a one time drunken statement by the father! Now the son is 40-ish and he STILL remembers that statement, how much it hurt, how it shaped his life. Can you imagine, that one short statement, spoken once, could have such an awesome (scary) lasting impact?

This is where it gets really confusing for women especially. We are often taught to just "bear the burden" and be perfect spouses. So we don't ask for help. Then we get overwhelmed and break down. That's not a good solution.

Think of the poor-me conversations as a *step in the right direction*. They are critical for you. You need help!! You deserve that help. You deserve to be asking for help. The family that you support so incredibly should be helping you out.

Sometimes it's hard to know who CAN help, so while it's a great idea to plan out who to ask to help with what, that can be challenging. So I am a proponent of the "share your situation" theory.

Instead of the emotional trauma of having to go up to one person with hat and hand and say "Oh please kind sir can I please have help with X?" - I would instead say that you set as a goal that you find a solution for X. Then in normal conversation with people you say, "By the way, I am brainstorming ways to handle X. I need some help with it. What do you think?" You never know which random person will have the PERFECT solution for you. Maybe your neighbor knows someone at the propane company! You never know until you talk.

That way you get your needs met, and you are making your needs known - but in a way that feels positive to you, rather than in a way that makes you feel helpless and needy.

It is definitely challenging to change a way of life. Our habits are deeply ingrained into us. However, it only takes a few weeks before something new becomes a new habit. It is challenging - but it's not a multi-year process. So it is well worth setting down and making an effort at!

Yes it does. Another thing that I've worked on is "Choosing the Words" that you use when you are talking to someone.

The question is: do you want the person to "get" what you are saying, or do you want to just say words. It might not seem like it, but if you choose our words getting your point across, it is very gratifying. instead of just talking AT someone, where their eyes might be glazing over, and they're not really hearing your words. They are hearing your mood, or emotions, or your negative passion.

Speaking of "words", I'm not at all sure I said that right. But it is an awesome way to communicate.

I understand completely what you're saying, and that is so right! And it's even more than that, it's how they feel about the words you are saying. Sometimes it is hard with cultural differences to phrase something so the recipient really listens to the meaning you're trying to convey.