Like a
pet, a child is supposed to be for life, and you cannot send it back when Christmas is over, not even if it
appears damaged. They are not warrantied.

Do You Want a Real Child?

Aside from
that, there are also many things that you may well have to give up for this small creature. Thus, hopefully
prior to actually getting pregnant, you will decide if you have the commitment and the discipline to go through
the entire ordeal properly, to lessen the chances of it scarring you for life.

So be
very sure you hold a true desire to have an actual child, and not something else,
like an animal companion instead.

If you ladies would like a busy work life and have a lot of interesting future
plans, you don't really want some goblin leaching all your precious minerals and vitality out before you have
time to get started properly.

If you are
quite sure, are of legal age and have not suffered a recent head injury, then by all means go
ahead.

How To Maximize Your Chances of Getting
Pregnant

One of the
keys to getting pregnant, providing there is no medical difficulty, is to relax. You should not be worried and
you should have plenty of uninterrupted time.

Take your
mind off your ultimate goal completely and try to enjoy being with your partner instead.

Don't
forget to stop using contraception,because old habits die hard. Ladies,
make sure you know which days of the month you will be at your most fertile as you will have to try
extra hard on those dates.

Keep Your Man’s Testicles Cool

Man’s
testicles are placed outside his body partly in order to keep them at an optimal temperature. They are supposed
to be cooler than the rest of his body. I'm sure he thinks so.

It's your
responsibility to inform your lover of this and help him to keep his spheres of generation chilly.

Such
actions as attacking your lover's private parts with a small heated appliance or hot coffee, however much you
feel he deserves it, can result in expired sperm, affecting his overall sperm count and your chances of getting
pregnant.

Be nice
instead, and encourage your partner to wear loose,

colourful,
patterned cotton boxer shorts so that his testicles will remain cool.

On hot
days, you should spray his testicles with ice-water every hour or
so.

The kilt
is without a doubt the healthiestattire for the maletestes, allowing air,
thankfully, to circulate.

If
your partner wears one you will not have to spray so often.

You should
try to have sex as many times as you can in a week. More would greatly improve your chances of getting pregnant.
Never give up. The harder you try, the sooner it will all be over, and you can rest for a bit.

The Best Positions

Some
people get pregnant easily while others do not. If you and your lover have already tried an awful lot and
neither of you have been in the position to claim success, then you should perhaps seek outside help.
That's what friends are for.

Knowing
the best sex positions for getting pregnant is helpful, and knowledge of both anatomy and gravity can maximize
your chances of success quite a bit.

Ladies,
completely avoid the woman on top position. This should not be practiced, especially when your partner is about
to attain what passes for his pinnacle of achievement.

A Lethal Dose of Gravity

In this
position, gravity would play a murderous role in sabotaging the formation of your bundle of up-chucking
urine-soaked joy.

Not only
should you be lying down, but your posterior and legs should be raised, perhaps on a comfy telephone directory
or two, and kept in that position post-coitus for at least two hours, in case you are dealing with a slow and
languid swimmer - perhaps not the best choice, but nature will have her eccentric way.

Lean your
legs up against a wall, or ask your lover or a visiting friend to help by holding them up for an hour or so to
maximize your chances of success.

If you do
get pregnant, they will be thrilled to have played such a sterling role in your great
happiness.

Do Not Stand For It

Standing
will help ensure that half your baby falls out, so try not to, unless you have to suddenly run from somebody.
But then, an un-penetrated egg is an egg which will never become a liability.

Talk to Friends about Pregnancy

Talk to
friends who already have children about pregnancy, giving birth and becoming a parent.

This way,
you will be able to learn a lot of the useful but horrifying and harrowing facts in advance.

Study these friends for a
while.

Note the
frazzled exhaustion, the way that they snapat each other and the general lack of
funds.

The stress
free and spontaneous relationship that they once used to enjoy is now a foreign
country.

Borrow One or MoreChildren

In the
cold, clear light of day you might wish to change your decision. The only way to know for sure is to borrow at
least one child.

Those
friends who have children under 14 will doanything for a weekend to themselves, if only so that they can finally discuss
divorce proceedings in private.

Volunteer.
This will require a little courage. Retain the children for at least a weekend, but three days to a week is
better. This will give the required time for at least some of the terrible truth to come out.

They
are not the way their parents told you they were!

Be
extremely careful here! They are wily, wiry, ingenious, manipulative, prevaricating, over-curious, disobedient,
noisy, messy and extremely rude under-developed adults. As well, they are perfectly capable of subterfuge,
betrayal and conspiracy, even at a tender age.

Wotta
Tripp will not go into detail here about the many disturbing experiences this experiment will heap upon
your plate of enlightening educational suffering.

Suffice it
to say, if they were your own, you wouldn't
be able to send them home at the end of your ordeal.

This dreadful suffering would
continue unabated, possibly for decades!

The
experiment may seem very cruel to you, but many of you will thank Dame Wotta Tripp Advice
in the peaceful years to come.

It will
also give you insight and empathy into the lives of the parents. Your dealings with your friends, who are by now
partly broken, will be more sensitive. Nevertheless, for your own peace of mind, you should probably avoid ever
having to be alone with their children again.

Just in
case you cannot borrow any children, Dame Wotta Tripp has put together this handy gallery of human children for
your serious consideration, but this is the extent of her ability to impart common sense to would-be
parents.

This may
serve to stay the hand of procreation if all else fails. Examine the images well and in detail. Visitors to this
site are cautioned that some of these images may be disturbing to more sensitive viewers.

Child 1

Child 2

Child 3

Child 4

Child 5

Child 6

Child 7

Child 8

Child 9

Child 10

Child 11

Child 12

Child 13

Child 14

Child 15

Child 16

Child 17

Child 18

Child 19

Child 20

Child 21

Child 22

Child 23

Child 24

Child 25

Child 26

Child 27

Child 28

Child 29

Child 30

Child 31

Child 32

Child 33

Child 34

Please choose a child to begin your ordeal.

Humour

Having a
baby can sometimes spell the death knell of a relationship. You and your partner need to remain strong together
against adversity. Humour can be a powerful tool.

You should
laugh with your partner. Laughing with your lover more often can actually improve your relationship. The kind of
relaxation it brings is conducive to conception.

Often you
will find that you are really laughing at your partner. Hide this fact at all costs. Just make sure that you mute or blunt
the hysterical edge that your voice has been conveying lately.

Laughing
long and helplessly like an inebriated hyena can actually bring about the type of muscle relaxation that can
create optimal conditions for contracting a pregnancy.

Questions & Answers

Dame Wotta
Tripp will now endeavour to answer a handful of the most frequent - and unintelligent - questions she receives,
because after all, challenged people need her help most, particularly if they are going to ignore and resist the
advice of their entire family and all of their friends, who have often been trying valiantly to distract them
from their fantasies of parenthood for quite some time.

These
questions illustrate the fact that some people might do well to wait a few years before settling down to raise
what they may later try to pass off as a family. They are all from women. The questions men ask about the
subject are frequently not fit to print.

Q: What
should we think about while we are actively trying to get pregnant?

A: Not
the desired pregnancy. There are so many other things for the active brain to think about, but for those who
need assistance, one could perhaps run through the week's menus, play mental word games, consider the layout of
a project, experiment with telepathy, mentally select tomorrow's wardrobe for your meeting, the list is hampered
only by the imagination of the attempter.

Q: My
mother is insisting I get pregnant. She says it's not fair to keep her waiting at her age, and with her
condition playing up.

A:
Don’t get pregnant just to fulfill another person’s wish. It is very possible for someone to be pressured into
having a baby by relatives or neighbours. Tell them you will have a child if they undertake to cover all of its
expenses until it is of age and pay you an hourly wage on top for looking after it. They should withdraw at this
point. Unplug the phone.

Q:
Should I plan for pregnancy?

A: Plan
for pregnancy carefully. It probably won't make a scrap of difference, but at least you won't feel guilty when
something goes awry.

Q: My
boyfriend wants a son, but I'm still in school. Should I give in?

A: Will
you and your partner have the time to take care of the baby, once he, she or it is born?

If you
are working two jobs just to put yourself through some type of formal education, this might not be the right
time to begin the long and tedious task of growing a new, wizened person who will demand all of your time and
enlarge at a frightening pace, as well as making a horrible noise all day and possibly all night
too.

Q: Do I
need a partner to have a baby, nowadays?

A:
Always remember that both of you play an important role in conceiving a child. Attempting this alone may lead to
disappointment.

Q: Is
it normal to want children very badly?

A: Good
gracious, no, but it is necessary, and many people will mistakenly believe that they do want one or even more.
It is just nature's little trick for repopulating the planet.

After
The Child has Arrived

Now you
are probably sorry, but it's far too late.

Even Dame
Wotta Tripp cannot help you now.

You must
make the most of it and forge ahead, doing the best that you can.

Feeding

Feed your
offspring good-quality and fresh organic food if you can. Avoid fast-food. It is an extremely unhealthy choice.
You will not get good food at that international Scottish shop. It's abusive food. It will make your children
too large and impair their intelligence.

Raising
huge children is unwise. They are generally unhealthy, difficult to clothe and temperamental due to hormonal
imbalances, glandular upsets and undermined immune systems.

Similarly,
overly small ones do not fare very well either. You must feed them enough. They will need vitamins, fresh fruit,
vegetables and protein.

Cleaning

Try and
keep children clean to at least the standard of basic hygiene. It's a tough job, but one which they are
incapable of completing themselves. Children are some of the most appallingly filthy creatures on the
planet.

Make sure
they are thoroughly soaked in water and scrubbed at least once a day. They don't like it, but it's in their own
best interest, as well as that of your furniture and accessories.

I'm not in
favour of de-clawing animals or children, but keep their nails trimmed. A pack of long-nailed children can wreak
havoc on soft furnishings, each other and the household pet.

Bedtime

Children
do not need as much sleep as you think.

Bedtime is
for your sanity. The time it is
set at relies entirely on your own personal tolerance and ability to endure. Each parent is
different.

Catching
them can sometimes be tricky. Some parents use a net.

How Many in a Set?

Too many
children at once become very difficult to manage whatever their age, although trouble tends to increase as the
years are racked up.

Two may be
optimal, as they will not be alone, but will have someone else to bicker and fight with all the live-long day.
They must be watched closely to ensure that they don't kill each other.

However
many you decide to show the light of day to, know that it is a harsh, roiling and expensive inland sea you have
chosen to navigate. There are no lifeboats and no reprieves. It's wise to learn to swim before you push the
boat, or any babies, out.

Luck

Luck
doesn't come into it. Prepare yourself well.

You could
have a child that was slow, or even dangerous later on.The choice to breed has always
been a two-edged sword.

Please
Note: Make the most of your time together before a baby comes. Afterwards, the times when you are
able to be intimate with your partner will be very few and far between.

You will
find that post-child you are now only able to enjoy each other's favours in a very quick and timely
fashion. Adjust to this new and speedy rhythm, because it's all you will have left.

The next
time you can expect to linger between the sheets will either be in a mental hospital or after you have
loaned your children to some want-to-be parents for a week's trial.

Wotta
Tripp suggests you do not tell them ahead of time what's in store for them, otherwise you will lose your golden
opportunity.

A final
point to remember - even if you succeed in raising your offspring, there are no guarantees of how it will all
turn out.

Even if
you don't fail completely, it's highly unlikely that your children will be the way you envisioned
them.

Try to be
caring and patient.

They
didn't come to Earth to grow up the way you expected them to be. It's just not going to
happen.

Dame Wotta
Tripp wishes you and your future offspring the very best of good fortune anyway!