Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men "That Abuse"

Domestic Violence is the leading cause of injury to women sending over 1 million every year to doctor’s offices or emergency rooms. This violence isn’t occurring from the hands of a stranger but from the hands of the man that has said I love you. In view of the recent domestic violence stories in the news I decided to write this article and take you inside the mind of men that abuse. I want to share the knowledge and experiences that I’ve had facilitating groups and counseling over 1,000 men that have abused their intimate partners. In all that we have seen or experienced we know that there are too many women and men dying, people being injured, far too many children growing up in violent homes to later become victims or abusers themselves.

In this story I will share with you what constitutes Domestic Violence, the national stats, the cycle of violence, the five types of abuse, the profile/characteristics of men that abuse, the DSM-IV diagnosis of abusers/batterers, treatment that works for this population.

What Is Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is when a partner physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abuses their intimate partner by exerting power and control over them. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, races, religions, classes and same sex relationships. We find that domestic violence is perpetrated by men and women, 95% of reported domestic violence cases are men abusing women and 5% of reported domestic violence cases are women abusing men.

National Stats

Every 12 seconds a woman is abused by her intimate partner in the US.

37% of pregnant women are battered during pregnancy, including blows to the abdomen.

There are more animal shelters than there are shelters for victims of Domestic Violence in the US.

These numbers are staggering and remember this is only what is reported to the police, imagine how many more women are being abused but never report it to the police. In my career that has spanned over 10 years working with batterers/abusers I’ve seen these numbers grow.

The Cycle of Violence

Phase 1: Tension building (In this phase there is usually tension building from the batterer/abuser and there is usually an argument)

Phase 2: Explosion (this is where the assault happens)

Phase 3: Honeymoon Phase (this is where the batterer/abuser apologizes for his behavior buying the victim gifts or flowers)

The cycle of violence will not end until one partner leaves or seeks treatment.

There are five types of abuse and they usually start with the less noticeable first and become more obvious as the abusive relationship continues.

I’m sure now you asking so who are these men, will I know that he is an abuser by looking at him, what makes them tick and what signs can I look for in my partner to determine if he is an abuser/batterer. I will tell you that no you can’t tell if someone is a batter/abuser by looking at them but there are some tell-tale signs and behaviors. So looking deeper into the mind of the abuser I want to now provide you with a few of the behaviors that are typical for batterers.

Profile of an Abuser/Batterer

Jealousy (questioning her constantly about whereabouts, and jealous of time she spends away from him).

Controlling behavior (I’ve had clients who’s victim couldn’t get a job, leave the house or bathe without his permission)

Isolation (Makes partner move away from family and friends so that she depends on him solely for support.)

Forces her to have sex against her will (I’ve had several clients who forced their partners to have sex with their friends and forces sex when she is asleep.)

Holds very rigid gender roles (Believes that her job is just to cater to him, he is the “king of the castle.”)

Men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in because of their level of charm this is part of their art to deceive and manipulate. This is why often times when a victim does report an assault she is not easily believed because people usually say “not him, he is so nice’ “you are so lucky”, All of this plays into his because if he gets people outside of the home to buy into his deceit the victim has little if no support. Most batterers are seen as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" because of the stark contrast in their public and private selves. When we look into the mind and behaviors of the batterers the DSM-IV gives us some diagnostic criteria/diagnosis for this population.

When we look at the profile/characteristics of batterers/abusers we can clearly see how this diagnosis will be found in this population. It’s important to be careful with this diagnosis because many batterers will look to use as an excuse for their behavior.

As we start to look at treatment for this population, I have to say that most of this population doesn’t come into treatment until the partner calls the police or they have been court ordered or the partner threatens to leave. (Note: Victims are at higher risk to be killed when they decide to leave their abusers; this is why some women stay).

Treatment for this population

Group Therapy is important because it allows the batterer to be confronted by his peers on his behavior. I’ve facilitated groups with 16 men in the room at times it would become very confrontational but it was important for the men to be held accountable for their behavior by other men and group facilitators. Group Therapy focuses on weekly topics about: Respect, effective communication skills, honesty, non violence and how to handle your emotions.

Individual Therapy (this is also a good form of treatment because it gives the batterer more time to express himself without the interruption of others, but even in this therapy the batterer has to be strongly confronted and held accountable for his behavior.) Sometimes the batterer/abuser will want to bring his partner to the sessions. I strongly advise against this until both parties have done at least 6 or 7 individual sessions.

In conclusion I need to say that batters can change they can stop this behavior and treat their intimate partner the way they should be treated. I have seen many men change, I remind myself that people aren’t their behavior, it’s just what is manifested on the surface and we must get beneath that and deal with the root cause. Because as a society we can’t afford to have women and children living in fear any longer. Let’s shout it from the highest heights “There is No Excuse for Domestic Violence".

This gives me hope I am traped in an abusive relation ship.I married my high school sweet heart, he was sweet, charming, smart and a good friend. When we began dating it started to change.He started calling me constantly.. he called nearly every day to say hi when we were friends but once we dated it was every thirty min. He started fights with our friends and won them all over. Then he cheated and i broke up with him.He in all the sweet ways you can think of won me over again, I know now this was where he really got the upper hand. I was 17 and in love with the idea of love,and who better than your friend of three years youd grown to love right. he convinced me after my 18th bithday to move from wv to ny where most of his family is from. It was ment to be an adventure but i was trapped 700 miles away from home,waiting for him to come home so i could get monitered calls home.Once i got pregnant things got worse he was cheating and iwas traped and alone and hungry if i left the house his family would know they were literaly everywhere Every where i went he went.Till he trew me six months pregnant into a dresser and i went to the hospital with his mother on the condition no cops were called she let me call home and give the a pg i miss my mommy story they came to get me and it seemed as though the nightmare was over I got home my dad got me house and was helping me pay rent. Then he came and hell followed with him.Hes won my family over and no one belives me. I fight back now but no one will help me leave because we have three children.who he dosent lay a finger on but now hits me in front of. It would be a good move if you made the warning signs of abusive more readily avalible for young girls it took ten years to get this bad and men like this are very convincing and usualy pick there vitims well in people the know have been abused.It starts with the protector then mindgames leads to pushing sqeezing holding down spiting next leads to biting pinching choking and follows up with full blown assult and will lead to your death if you dont SAVE YOURSELF, which ive learned gets harder moument you stay.

I am so glad I found this article. I grew up in an abusive home then met the man of my dreams and fell head over heels in love. He was handsome and charming, sexy, had a great job, was so sweet and supportive when I first met him. He didn't show any signs at all of anger or anything at first. It took about a year and being married to see his anger. But looking back I did see signs something wasn't quite right. I remember having an unshakable gut feeling something was very scary about this person when he would get into a "mood" or detach from me. I never really knew what was going on in his head. He was very closed off and didn't talk about his feelings ever. I think I fell in love with the charm and who his role in the work world...not the actual person inside. I never knew him until he was hurting me. Even after he hurt me he didn't seem sincerely upset. But was very good at apologizing and making me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Reading the first persons story made me realize how much alike our situations were. I am out of the relationship now and he is remarried. But my family still doesn't believe me. He won them over and more so after we separated. He was even arrested and charged for the final assault on me. The fact my family took his side prompted me to isolate myself even more as I didn't have their support. He used this and more against me in family court. He was cruel and heartless to the point of I wondered who I had even married. My children were abused by him as well. He hurt my pets and he was never a nice person. Cheated on me the whole time we were married. I found out and he became violent after that. I still blame myself for what happened even though I know that's just the brainwashing happening. I wish I could see him for what he truly is and I wish others could as well. This topic is not talked about enough. I even tried to get him help when we were married but he refused or found a way out of it or didn't participate. He's remarried now and we share custody of our son. I worry my son will see something happen to his step mom. Of course my ex is still very controlling and doesn't let me talk to my son and is very difficult in arranging parenting time. He has caused so many problems in my family...they think he's the best and their support isn't there for me at all. here I can't even believe I fell so hard for this man and trusted him so much as to even have a child with him. He's not the person I ever thought he was. I don't know if he could or would ever change.

I agree but it isn't that easy to leave. Once you're stuck in a relationship with a man like this...you're basically trapped psychologically and even sometimes physically. I was threatened many times when I even left the house. He would hurt my pets, threaten to take my infant son and just be all over scary. The police don't always believe you. My ex was a very charming, handsome and manipulative man. Even the smartest person would fall for him. He plays an act of a caring and responsible community member. He is very giving to others to gain their trust and respect. But in reality it's a daily act...once he's home he is not this man anymore. He was cold, indifferent and sociopathic. When the community and even family members don't believe you are being abused as he has them all so charmed...it's very difficult to even have a safe place to go. He knew everyone I knew. He knew every place I could go. Even donated to the transition homes. He froze my bank account after I left. Had buddies who were lawyers, police and in the military. Even his female friends didn't believe me. Maybe they thought it wouldn't happen to them. I'm not sure. But yes in daily life you definitely should leave because the longer you stay...and the more serious the relationship becomes, the more dangerous it is to leave.

Thanks for sharing your comment and I would encourage you to call The National Domestic Violence hotline listed at the bottom of my blog or contact an local domestic violence agency in your area. So that they could offer you help in finding safety from this dangerous and unhealthy relationship...so that in finding safety you find the strength, power, and tools to empower yourself so that you will then know your full value , full potential and know that you are more than this and that your children will see you as the strong and courageous woman that you are....please call an agency for help today.....

Fifteen years of off and on hell during a 20 year "relationship". I'm sitting in "HIS" house; the 3rd of 3 divorce actions he initiated over, but settlement ... like the 3rd divorce, dragging on and on ... in his favor. My protective order expired yesterday; less than 7 hours later, I have a "demand" for back payment of rent due ($7,000). I stood up for myself and refused to accede to his demands, when he filed for divorce in October of 2010, that I take my things and some debts and get out.

Honestly, it now seems I should have let myself be robbed again ... he's merely used the system to advantage ... his. My finances are now destroyed, my savings gone ... and my attorney very ineffectively left our daughters and me unprotected. The only thing I ASKED for was some time, with no legal costs, to save some money and pay some bills. That was denied, as for some perverted reason, I am not allowed to leave and have a life, I must be destroyed. Maybe because, despite a breakdown and misdiagnosis, I got better and even became successful again ... without him. Actually, because I was not around such dysfunction.

I would like to know if there is any info out there about abusers who actually PREFER to basically torture their victim rather than kill. There has been very little "physical" against me, though I have been threatened and he did pull out a gun, load it and point it at me once. I've come to the conclusion that he won't do something that will overtly get him in trouble, unless he were to totally lose control. Since there have been many points where this could have been settled at much lower cost to him, in fact, to his profit, I can tell punishing me is more important than divorce ... that actually, the divorce process is being USED to punish, out in the open, and nobody is, or wants to, examine what's been going on very closely.

Which brings me to a final point ... that many in the legal/Court system are naive, possibly unless physical assaults are part of the picture. Opposing counsel can become part of the abusive process as well. Articles about abuse of process and how legal/financial control can be (unlawfully but effectively) used against victims would also be helpful ... I was committed twice to mental health facilities ... for alleged (by him) of homicidality and suicidality ... which traumatized me further. I understand, years later, that these acts were actually violations of my civil rights and added fuel to the psychological injuries I was suffering during this time ... but not ONE person, from the police to judges to shelter people to medical professionals, ever looked at him as possibly instigating and causing symptoms. In fact, emotional shock and panic attacks remained UNdiagnosed for a LONG time ... I learned to mitigate their effects and intensity using logic ...

I honestly thought that there would be a happier ending; that at least I would not be thrown out with nothing, as happened in past. But I remain virtual hostage in the middle of nowhere, USA, with a car that won't run (though I have learned to fix a lot on it the last two years) and no money and now, a trashed credit report despite my excellent history for over a decade ... as the garnishment of his wages is producing precious little of what he's owed for over two years. My attorney quit, refused to file clarification on the decree, but told me she'd gladly help me with a bankruptcy. I refused, as I shouldn't be in this situation. She's moved on ... I'm stuck and thinking there is no point in trying ... and actually, it SHOULDN'T be victims (and their children) having to look for shelters and giving up all they've worked for and achieved ... that honor should be reserved for the abusers ... who might then be forced to shape up, at least to protect their precious (and totally phony) stellar public persona.

I to have been the VICTIM..when I met him, he was kind careing, witty charming made me laught? Not much laughter after what I suffered. It soon started I was 13 weeks pregnant and holding down a full time job. I had very bad sickness all day long for months. That night he just went deranged on me? I had said that I did not feel well enough to go over to his mum and dads , he came at me grabbed me by my arms pushing me up against the wall, all the time he was trying to choke me his evil hands pressing harder me in total shock, crying sobbing my heart out he was calling me vile names demeaning me, shouting total madness just never thought that the man I loved respected could have done that to me? Before he went out he smashed the plug off the telly making big holes in the house we had bought as I stupidly thought we would be together? Two days later i started to bleed and nearly lost our daughter.He carried on the shouting drinking,putting me own did not help me, I was left to cook clean attend to his needs? What about mine? He never mentioned why are where he went that night?we moved away from my family as things got better or so I thought? I had my second daughter and he seemed more happy as we where this family doing things together, then one Friday night he came home so drunk, shouting yelling at me? He just throw the shopping down and then started,I said thanks for doing it, I put the shopping away and put the chip pan on for our tea, again I only said would you please watch sarah in her hight chair? He went crazy swearing threatening to kill me, he called me a whore and a fucking bitch, saying he had been too work, he had done the shopping and you want me to do your fucking job? He came at me in the kitchen grabbed hold off my head and hair trying to push my face into the boiling oil? I got away from him, only he pushed me down on the sofa then threatening to kill me? We ended up on the floor him sitting on me with his evil hands once again? I was in a state crying as he pressed so hard I nearly died, all the time him giving me vile abuse my daughters screaming and crying, my older daughter was screaming to her daddy to get off me, again I heard her say that as I struggled to breathe from somewhere I got my wooden shoe off and kept hitting him until he let go off my throat. He just stood there glaring with this evil look me shaking from head to foot, trying to breathe and get up, when I finally did get up my legs where like jelly, I looked at him, me screaming your fucking mental. He did not bother just stared drinking. We had more drama with him, he would put me down, telling me I was lazy, and I was worthless. We can back up here I had another baby another daughter, he helped out we nice did not shout all the time as we had to live with his mum and dad for 5months until we got our house..he stared drinking more and more I knew he hated his job, and I tried to support him and looking after our daughters he started going climbing, walking with his friends. He was more pleasant to be around, we where getting on he got another job, and stopped drinking for a while. We went out to the sea side with the children playing with them, having peace at last? I found out I was 16weeks pregnant, again like will all I wAs so ill and sick not putting on weight telling me to have plenty rest, that's a joke when you have to still be the wife and mother doing the housework cooking taking care off everyone, this time I had a boy? He really was happy to do more things for me, we went away too France and then he started the drinking again being nasty to us all. Well as time went on we or should I say tried to make it work he again was going out leaving me to take care off the children . He would not tell me anything, the children knew more then me? He carried on drinking shouting going for my second daughter dragging her by her ponytail down stairs? She was crying as he told her don't you ever call me the looser and some other nasty things, I stand in front off my daughter and told him if he touched her I would hit him back? She was so upset and at that moment she must have hated him, like I was by now. Everyday never knew what mood he would be in, the drinking the tyrannical rants rages in my face threatening me. Saying he wanted a divorce I told him to get one as I could not take much more. Once again he lost it with me about cooking some sausages my third daughter said I will do it mum, he screamed yelled no your mother will? He came at me with this hatered in his eyes pushing me down nd trying to strangle me in front off our children I could not breathe, I could not get him off me, my second daughter tried to throw a cup t him, and even tried to get him off me. We where in hell with this man my only mistake was to love him. By now I could not take much more...it just got worse as the children left one by one and my son went touni, so there was just me and him. Some days where ok some was just pure evil playing mind games verbal abussive mental torment withhold affection. Money giving me no peace making me living in constant fear all the time, nothing I did was good enough. Keeping me out off my own bedroom, using and emailing someone..this had gone on for years ,screaming telling me too go ? No he could have gone years go, he started telling people he was going to leave me and I had entrapped him? It takes two?..he started going out through the day, next going away for a couple of days, coming back telling me his washing needs doing, well do it yourself? As I was getting really anxious, being so stressed out could not sleep, as he would drink so much he fell a sleep on the sofa only to come too bed shouting falling over things,me having to pretend I was a sleep. I would cry, and sob my heart out as he snored like a jackhammer if was horriable no sleep for weeks on end, getting up so tried could not cope, the bullying, the verbal the mental abuse the physiological the mind games carried on, he gave me the silent treatment, I felt so alone I lived with this monster who showed me no love no respect no attention, yet I had to,it got so bad at one point I just wanted to die, I had no one to support me talk to me, only when the children came over to see me. I did not cry in front off him s he would do more horriable things to me. He was calling me the controller , that he was the victim,telling me lie after lie, just staying to teach me a lesson?, that's what he told me.. I had no mum or dad as they had both died, he was going over to his mum telling lies saying I was mental I was the one who started everything only his mother saw many times his uncontrollable temper, his nasty side but always showing everyone that is was kind generous and pretending everything was ok? Then after years of his abuse his santantic temper the drunken cruelty towards me, then finding out he had this ex in our marriage since my son was twelve, I had the bitch telling me I was never a proper wife to him, I was lazy and did not look after the house or children? I told her what I have had to live with and she's saying I must have deserved having my face pushed into the boiling oil, trying to kill me what's selfish bitch I had to put up with. Everything just went in my mind my body I went down to five stone, never slept could not even stay in my own house I paced round, walked all day and night, I felt like there was nothing left for me, wanted to die.. My son was trying to get me to eat, sit down but I could not. My daughters could bare no longer to see there mother so very ill could not talk, could not even cry, just went n walking for weeks on end my feet cut to ribbons, you could see the bone as the skin was no longer on, I was in agony, in so much pain, I was pleading with God to let me die? I was arrested for walking around a store for seven and a half hours, I was even helping to stack the shelves?..I had really lost it I was a total zombie and my husband watched as the police came and took me away onto a mental health ward, where I stayed for 17 months,, for the first five months I could not function ,I could not talk I paced up and down the corridors all day and all night when others where asleep I was till walking I just could not stop I was on suicidal watch as they were so afraid I would kill myself. I did not seem to get better, my children would come and see me,I could not even rember what my children looked like, I had to carry photos off them so I would know when they came that I would know that they where my children, they came to see me all that time, I saw the pain in there eyes yet I could not cry, I felt nothing, it was a nightmare, and when they went, I would pleaded with them to take me home? Then my husband started to come and see me,started rowing, wanting more money to pay the bills?..he was using my inhertitence money yet he was living with this old bitch who's 74. My son was living in the house, having to go too uni. Coming home cooking and cleaning and then coming over to the hospital...my husband came one day, the nurses told me I had two visitors to come up and see them, I could not believe that this heartless selfish turning my children's life's up side down, causing me mental torment was sitting with him. I asked him why he had brought her? He just said she wanted too see me? Well I did not want to see her or him, the nurses came over as I started shouting to get him off..he was shown to the door and told the next time the police will come? He even wanted compensation for my feet? He is the pyscho, the money grabbing pig. He did all that tome never shown any remorse, or even said sorry" in the end nothing was working and all I had left was ECT, so after a long talk with my children, and consultant I just made my mind up there and then to have this treatment. I had too go down every Monday and Thursday to have this ECT. I was so ill that I might not be able to have it. But I went down there surrounded by so many doctors and nurses, told them I was doing it for my children and if I died would you tell them that? Eventually the nurses could see the thing was working, my brother came to see me, to support me and when I got better and went home I would still have one, as my loving husband thought he would sell the house, as everyone thought I would never be off there? Well I proved that to the doctors and nurses my children, my friends who thought I would die? I was skin and bones for quite some time, but when I got to have leaves fr a few days things started looking up for me...I came home for good to celebrate my sons 21st birthday, I sorted everything out, had all the family around and I was crying as I was so happy to be round my loved ones and I had a grandson too look after and be there mother gain. I tried to divorce him, but he would not sign the papers, as he told the solicitor that he never did all that to me! I stopped it as it was causing me so much stress? I have wrote to him many times telling him what a mental cruel B ..he has been to me. Only this selfish bitch try's stopping me to see him to get the financial side sorted out, now the ECT has caused me great pain in my back and I have no short term memory now, he's got away with all this the police should have prosecuted him, only he's not the one to have suffered for all those s hateful wanted too teach me a lesson, he could have gone and spared me all this pain suffering and putting his own children who have been affected by being and seeing his cruelty his abuse his drunken violence his hounding me, showed me that he did not love me at all. Love should not HURT....nd know I am getting on with my life, it's great not having to live in constant fear, having him in my face, not talking to me, not having to put up with his drunken bombastic attitude and giving me nothing t the end of the day! I live on benefits now he has money he has a roof over his head, but he's not happy,so what..he didn't. Care if I lived are died, same as me now? I hope they rot in HELL. I have done courses jewerally making, pottery doing photography courses basically enjoying myself, out with my friends seeing my children playing with my grandsons...feeling loved and wanted, men asking me out only I can not trust them, hive even gone to a support group for women who have been abused, used violated living with a nutter who planned it all with his bitch? It has taken me nearly thirty odd years to see he's the controller the king of the castle, the abuser, the one who played me like I was a pawn on a chess board, as my husband play mind games, cat and mouse and getting his jollies of watching me suffer? Well now I am stronger I will not let anyone get away with verbal buse re showing me no respect. I am still trying to get him to divorce me as he always wanted it, I can not afford it, I have been told I can not get legal I'd now? So like many women who have lived a life off hell, them having to leave there home taking the children to a safe place. No men who do this should be the one to suffer aswel, I even read that the police and judges don't really listen when a woman comes for help? Why should she loose her home when she sacrificed her life her money only to end up on.a Mental health ward are worst die at the hands off these evil perpetrators,leaving the children with no mother? It's time the law has to change so the women can get away from these control freaks the drunken vile abuse we have endured. It's bad enough wondering how to get off that circle of abuse, when the police would not do anything as it was a domestic abuse, but what would they know what the victims go throught? You only know when it happens to you, nd they say I in 4 will have abuse of some kind in there life? It's a criminal offence to make someone live in fear and not let them have a happy life?..

I so hope you are in a happier place. I read your message. I suppose I was lucky. There was no violence. That's what I have been told. I wish you a peaceful happy Christmas from eileen in Scotland hugs to all

Please tell me how you fought back the fear using "logic, to combat the ptsd, anxiety and panic. I am taking xanax and want to get off of it, but instead need more and more as he escalates his torture. There is no escape from these monsters. They want to murder us by suicide or through exhaustion and poverty in the courts if they cannot continue their games.

Mike B. Used me for bully neighbor that he made agreement with to frame me.. HE HAD TO PROVE THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER.. He she's me hardly. Because he is with her 99.9% of the time w/her making love more than he ever did with me... he treats me like shit, he never defends me when bullied. He does everything to fuck me over for her, covers up her meth use ,NEVER LOSE KIDS, cover up bullying me,and 4 failed drug programs and probation violations.. By using me as there scapegoat ... I'm marked/ labeled as FUCK OVER, ABUSE, CHEAT ON, MIND FUCK, FRAME, THEN THROW Away for the next ASSHOLE TO DO THE SAME. ..

Mike B. Used me for bully neighbor that he made agreement with to frame me.. HE HAD TO PROVE THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER.. He she's me hardly. Because he is with her 99.9% of the time w/her making love more than he ever did with me... he treats me like shit, he never defends me when bullied. He does everything to fuck me over for her, covers up her meth use ,NEVER LOSE KIDS, cover up bullying me,and 4 failed drug programs and probation violations.. By using me as there scapegoat ... I'm marked/ labeled as FUCK OVER, ABUSE, CHEAT ON, MIND FUCK, FRAME, THEN THROW Away for the next ASSHOLE TO DO THE SAME. ..

I have been through the exact thing you have with court. No help at all from the system and in the end after fighting for years he got what he wanted. I feel devastated. I had a great career, kids and home and had worked so hard to get where I was. Now I am back where I started...still can't return to work due to the PTSD and his family and him took everything from me. I feel devastated and try hard not to go into the black every day. I did everything to try to prevent the inevitable. His attorney was as abusive as him. I felt like I was being treated like a criminal during the court proceedings. I was a nurse. I was proud of my life and my kids. Now I am sitting here still on disability years later and he refuses me parenting time with my son and refused to let me even speak to him. Lawyers I had all quit on me and I only had legal aid so it didn't help. He turned my family against me and I can't believe they could be so unsupportive. I wish I could talk to you. I have so much in common. I am disgusted by our legal system. I will never trust it again. He was even arrested and charged but years of court cases later and just because his family has money and can pay a good lawyer and I can't...he got off on everything and was able to further torture me through court. He wants to cut me down to nothing. I am determined not to let him. But telling others about this...most don't believe this type of person could be walking the earth. I hope I can move on someday and I am trying. I just wish it would happen sooner.

I went through the legal abuse from 2012-2015. He was relentless. His lawyer was threatening and abusive. I am so disgusted with our legal system. I was labelled with a mental illness that I don't even have by a crooked psychologist he paid to write a biased and unprofessional report on me. I only met with her once. I don't even have the illness she said I had but I do have PTSD and severe anxiety from the hell he put me through. My ex husband even persued frivolous court applications while I had cancer treatment. He is a sick sick man. I really wish courts would be more understanding of the position an abuser puts us in and his misuse of power. I'm sorry to hear all of this happened to you as well. I have a better financial position now and am finally regaining my self esteem so I am going back to court to ammend the mistakes that were made.

When I was a little girl my dad would tell me what to do, and he liked that. At the age of 5 I bet you were ready to do that too. Let's go to the park. Enter in that "Best Dad" competition. Get me a beer. Steal that lottery ticket. At the age of 6 or 7 you don't really think about going against your parents. They are your roll models. You don't know what is right or wrong yet.
At one time or another you don't want to go to the beach or go to a party. At the age of 10 I started to form my opinion. No, I don't want to eat that food, it looks like it's rotting. This could get you locked in a freezer for a good 15 minutes.
That continued and at the age of 12 I learned that my mom grew up in an abusive home. Her parents were alcoholics and scream at her for things she didn't do. They were unstable. Which is why I think now, that she married my father. He is controlling.
At the age of 13 I started to notice that girls my age wore makeup. They did their hair. They were prettier than me. They noticed too, even told me that I was ugly. The funny thing is that if someone is told something enough times, they believe it. My grades started to fall as I tried to be prettier, thinner, beautiful.
Age 14, someone pushed me down the stairs and everyone watched but did nothing. I reported it but the people there lied so they wouldn't get picked on too. So the school stopped believing me. I went to the school counselor and didn't want to say names. She forced them out of me and then said "Don't you ever think that they have problems too?" Yeah, I do actually. All the time. Later that year I was diagnosed with depression. My dad told me I was just lazy and told the doctor that I wasn't depressed. Everyone loved my dad. He could talk a police officer out of a ticket and a person at a restaurant to give him half price. She believed him too. "He's always so nice. You are the luckiest daughter in the world."
Age 15 I started cutting. The bullies became regulars to my world. My dad told me I was worthless. I believed I was too, otherwise I wouldn't have been picked on...right? I tried to defend my brother and my mom as much as possible. I watched them flee as I fought. Gangs, bullies, few friends, mean dad and one person to stand up for herself.
Age 15 and 1/2. My mom tried to divorce my dad. When the papers were delivered he was angry. I took my phone, a book and some clothes. My brother took his computer and a pillow. My mom, fought my dad and brought nothing... We were able to escape safely enough.
Age 16. I am now diagnosed with depression, anxiety, insomnia, an eating disorder and taking pills for it all. I am an emotional wreak and I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm typing this or looking things up like this. I just want to help every single boy and girl, woman and man OUT of their situations. I don't want them to be like me... I don't know how to help. I have to deal with these problems everyday and I don't want ANYONE to feel like this. Ever. I know things happen, but I just want to stop things like this from happening. I want to be able to trust poliec but my entire life... I want them to help. I've been on my own. And things are hard, no one said it would be easy. Fairytales said it would be Happy Ever After. Nightmares are dreams too. Dreams can come true. Who do I trust. People who seem nice sometimes aren't. I don't want to get hurt. Some people really are nice. Where are they? What is good. What is bad. Is everything both? What do I do? I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.

Elana, I don't think you need to apologize ... my life has been different than yours, but I can relate to some of what you say ... and feel. There are nice people, as you said, and then there are those who put on a show for the public and act differently behind closed doors. Often, spouse and children get the brunt of it. I would encourage you to find an effective therapist ... and it can be difficult, in my experience. I married someone who I thought was "nice" and ended up having a breakdown after trying to leave ... when I didn't want the yelling, screaming and other outrages to continue ... and affect our young daughters. He was able to paint me as a "lunatic" for a while ... I ended up misdiagnosed for several years as a result, but finally, came into treatment with a therapist who works with trauma. Therapy can really help!! I had to come back to the relationship (or I would have been apart from our daughters) and for the last three years, I have again been living in a hell of sorts. It gets me down, in spots (more just tired of HAVING TO deal with what is nonsense and destruction from someone who will NEVER admit they have a "problem" or get therapy). This time around, though, I am MUCH stronger and I believe in myself. I know that life is not what I want, but I recognize that "it's not me" and more like what you described in your writing: a failure of those "in charge" to investigate or intervene appropriately and effectively. I wish you the best; things can and do get better ... and I hope that you find and develop all the qualities within you and become the person you are truly meant to be ... and as you are young, I am just encouraging you as I do my own daughters, to do so before becoming seriously involved in a relationship.

There may very well be nothing "seriously wrong" with you ... in other words, how you feel about yourself has shaped your emotional experience and how you relate ... and your talents, etc may not have been nurtured, yet ... so as you say, you come to believe things which are not true about yourself. Had I gotten into therapy earlier, I likely would not have ended up in the relationship I did ... and my daughters wouldn't have gone through what they have, either. You have the awareness; that is a blessing ... I pretended to be "okay" for years, but I felt like I was a fraud ... really, overall, I WAS okay, but since I didn't know it ... I set myself up with my insecurities and self-esteem issues. You can do better and I hope that you do! Best hopes and wishes to you ...

To Elana, you are feeling depressed because of the abuse you are getting. You are a person with right to dignity, respect, love, care. You need to get help from counsellor, from kind relatives or friends, or from website (recoveryfromabuse.com). Try not to get into relationship not until you have learned to love yourself, to build your self-esteem. You are worthy of love and care, you are a child of God. The bible can help you find the love if you can not get it from people around you who should be taking care of you. Shame on them for failing to do their responsibility. I had the same experience as you are having and am now doing rehabilitation therapy to get over my abusive husband. No one has the right to abuse anyone. There is no excuse for abuse of any form. Get help, talk to someone, to a church minister, to a social worker, to a school counselor, to a kind neighbor, get help. The sooner you learn to love yourself, the safer you will be. You need to stay away from those abusing you to build a healthy life. My heart goes out to you.

Your post touched me deeply as I am the mom of a 10 & 12 year old who was in a very similar relationship your mom found herself in. First of all try not to listen to everyone else's voice and find your own. Reach out to one person who could be your friend. If you have a hard time finding anyone I suggest talking to a pastor. Finding someone you can talk to that can help you work through all that has happened to you is a big part of recovery. The other thing that has helped me help myself and my kids is to educate myself about boarder line, anti-social, and narcissistic personality disorders. Knowledge is power. Understanding who your abuser is does not change what happened to you but it can help you to realize that it is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently to change his behavior. It will also help you to recognize these issues in others as you grow up. Another idea is to contact a local women's shelter about counseling. They will generally provide some individual & group therapy for free. This will again allow you to work through everything you have been through & help you realize you are not alone. I absolutely love your passion to help others; I feel the same way. The best way you can start helping is by helping yourself. Once you begin that journey you will be amazed at the opportunities God presents you with to help others in similar situations. It is important to note that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from an abusive situation. Now that you are away your life is full of possibilities. Take one day at a time & don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to have a bad day. You are smart, you are beautiful, and you deserve peace & happiness... I am praying for you.

I am so sorry your dad was like this to you. You know it wasn't your fault. I hope you aren't living with them anymore. My father was also very controlling and abusive. My mother as well. My moms drinking made her worse. I didn't have as terrible experiences as you but I did get abused and I became very depressed at a very young age. I began cutting and wanted to die when I was 13. When I was abused at school by kids...it was ignored. I was bullied constantly. I was sexually assaulted at school. I was so shy and scared of people because of my dad and his anger that I never spoke up about it. I am 39 and finally getting counselling. My dad was also sexually abusive...not the worst you can imagine but it isn't fun being touched by your father. My mom would see it happen and not say a thing. Smile and roll her eyes. Say that is just your dad. He's just like that. He doesn't mean anything bad. She says the same while he's screaming at me to this day. I know how hard it is having a father like yours. My dad is respected and loved by everyone. He is charming and seems nice to everyone. Most people don't believe he could be mean at all. He saves that for when he thinks nobody else can hear. I hope you have a safe place to stay. I didn't check the date of your post so I am not sure how old this is. I hope everything is going better now. It's great you're looking this up and this is a start to learning what's happened to you and feeling some support.

I just left an abusive relationship. It was for the most part mentally abusive. He did touch me three times however. It broke my heart, because it came out of nowhere. I was devastated. After almost two years of being constantly called names during drunk times and being criticized during sobriety,I said you need to leave today. He acted like he hated me. He treated me awful. Lied to his kids that loved me, probably lied to his mother because now she won't even send me her email so I can forward pictures of them together. I just didn't want to throw them away. What a waste...

I loved him so much and I thought he loved me. He would beg to come back, except for the last night he was here. Then after leaving with his suitcases, he drops off his kids and comes right back in and sits on the couch. What? I said you need to go. My heart was breaking... he called me a name and said he wanted out of this shit hole as much as I wanted him out. He was losing control of the relationship because I started slowly pulling away a month before we split.

Every time his older daughter came around he would keep her from me like he was ganging up on me or something, picking on me and starting fights. Strange.. Long story.

But he has been gone since September 8th. I have read at least three books on abuse and self-love. I still feel like I could have fixed it, but my mind tells me that thought is insane. He expected so much of me all the time. Nothing I ever did was enough.

My love for him is still so strong that I do things for him that he will never know about, like his craigslist advertising...It made me feel good to send him love, but then I think about things and begin to cry. What is wrong with me? I need to rid myself of these feelings.

I would like to ask how common this is and how likely is someone else going to come along and try this crap. I'm on my guard now...

Victims of abuse have a few things to deal with when they leave their abuser.

1. Trauma - you have been mistreated. possibly called names, controlled, hit, demoralized. Only you know the full extent of what you sustained. You loved him and he traumatized you in return. It was not your fault. Take it easy on yourself. You lived in a state of fear, panic and uncertainty for a long time. You were conditioned to respond to his treatment. You did what you could to satisfy him, possibly thinking, "if I could just explain it in a way that he could hear me..."

2. Grief - Victims of domestic violence go through a period of grieving. Only counselors, DV advocates, and other DV survivors can understand why you are grieving. The rest of the world assumes that you should be happy because you are finally free. The rest of the world is uneducated to your situation.

Therapy is good for both Trauma and Grief. I am hopeful that our therapist explained all this to you, and that you have been able to make progress in rediscovering yourself and reclaiming your autonomy.

How could you love an abuser? You love the "illusion" he gave you at the beginning. Abusers can not love anyone because they have no idea what love is. Look back at how you suffered, is that love? You need to learn to appreciate, love yourself. Without healthy self-esteem, you will attract these parasites, sucking the life out of you emotionally. They can spot people they can manipulate. The best way to safeguard yourself is to learn to be strong, have the confidence, setting definite boundaries (which no one can do if self-esteem is not there). You deserve better, you deserve respect, love, dignity. You are a child of God. You are special, you have something to give. But give it to someone who will appreciate you as a lovable being. Stop thinking about your abuser, good he is gone. Now look at the present, enjoy it and do what makes you happy. The future is yours to have, don't waste it. Be strong, be yourself.

I am the quasi-prisoner and abuse target by my husband AND his family for over 35 years.DO NOT tell me to call a hotline...I did -it was absolutely useless.Don't dare tell me to be "strong" I am stronger than many because I am alive. Most targets-I refuse still to be called a victim-are so beaten down by years of torture and mind numbing psychological manipulation they do not have the ability to make decisions that are life altering.I don't.I am at a point, that I simply don't care what he or they do anymore.We aren't all poor women with no education or sophistication.I am a professional earning in excess of $100k base per year plus lucrative bonuses.To the world I am a rarity-a female financial expert managing billions of dollars in transactions a year.My revenue source is directly tied to a positive public image.If my corp leadership (I am the only female out of 200) learned of my living situation, it becomes public like through arrests, trial etc.I would lose my job, my home, everything. And be on the streets living hand to mouth like so many other victims of domestic violence.I might be out-but I'd be lost. His entire family has abused me in various ways, mentally, physically, financially, scapegoated, and gaslighted.Behind the door I am a virtual slave to my husband, and an indentured servant to his mother and brother. Long ago I was prevented from having friends or contact with my family outside their control. My compensation is deposited to an account in my name but only my husband has access.My family is Southern traditional, and violence, arguing, name calling, abuse was considered a sin against God and man,I was never exposed to such behavior. I have no tools by which to change this situation. My husband is a malignant narcissist, as is his brother, with extremely violent backgrounds ie. fighting, spousal abuse,animal and property abuse/destruction, impulsive and immature sexual behavior, lying...the list goes on.The widowed mother is a domineering, controlling abuser of anyone she feels she can dominate. Local law enforcement in his home town has documentation from a former sheriff that if I am found deceased under strange circumstances, to look to my husband and his family.Doctors have treated me for many "accidental" injuries, and when they questioned the bruises, injuries to hands back eyes skin-accepted my husband's story as if they were afraid to do otherwise. Now he knows how to hit and hurt without the bruises showing-head, feet, hands, chest.This happens more often than not. In public they are the scions of what appears to be a successful family-in fact they are extremely dangerous individuals-his mother included. I will not repeat the instances of abuse, because most people would not believe me. You ask-what is my point. Until this country truly vilifies and punishes domestic abuse, keeps the victim protected and identity sacred, TRULY assists them with life decisions this crime will go unpunished for millions.provides them with protection and long term therapy-some in a residential setting.Assault and abuse of a spouse is still considered by many in the US to somehow be the fault of the target or they would "just leave". I cannot. Law enforcement (which I have an extremely poor opinion of in this situation) is not proactive-just reactive. All the programs, speeches, hotlines, shelters, data, informational brochures, seminars etc are not worth a damn. Until this country comes to the quick realization that behind many pretty family homes there exists a secret "American Taliban", a predatory culture that is ignored and tolerated. I am done-too old to fight any longer, to protect myself (my children are grown successful professionals and I WILL NOT drag them into this again-they have their own lives and don't deserve this burden). I realize that there will come a day when I lose a job, become ill, or no longer useful to my husband and his family. At that time I will be discarded and they will move on to another target. I pray there is a time when these abusers are held up as the lowest of the low, the same category as sexual predators and serial killers, and have the same penalties. Long term serial abusers and families don't change-they will never see the error of their way-because in their culture it is accepted-and it-like the Taliban keeps their targets silent.

My heart aches for you and all the other women in abusive situation. I too am a sufferer of abuse and have in the past had a very successful career; that is before I became a stay at home mom. Thankfully, I was able to get out and as you say it wasn't because of a shelter, a hotline, or the authorities. A therapist told me that until I started respecting myself my then husband would never respect me. At first I thought she was crazy,I respected myself! But after several months I began to understand that if I respected myself I would draw boundaries with his treatment toward me. Talk about a scary proposition! I read several books, Boundaries in Marriage, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, and several more. I began to get behind the eyes of an abuser and I also realized I wasn't alone... There are millions of us... I am now in school to become a therapist so I can help heal the hurting and I would do just about anything to change the environment with law enforcement and the court system. I have 2 children 10 & 12 who still have to tolerate visitations with their dad. Every time they come home I must undue all the psychological manipulation he has tried to plant. The best thing I can do is teach them to think critically so that maybe one day they will realize who he really is. Until then I MUST document, document, document!!! One day sooner rather than later he will inevitably take me back to court to attempt to gain primary custody of the kids which he will never be able to do by the way! I have learned that up until now fear has ruled every decision or indecision I made regarding him. I am no longer afraid of him, God is on my side and He hates abuse! I would encourage everyone to plug into a church to find strength and support; both emotionally and financially. There are angels among us I promise you... Not everyone has this option I realize but we all can pray and cry out to God and He will hear you. If there is anyone who has an ideas on how to change our culture regarding abuse please respond! I do not know how but it is critical that we change the system, and although it may not happen in my lifetime it would be an honor to be an active part of starting the process for the next generation... Now that is the kind of legacy I want to leave to my daughter and every other person who finds themselves in abusive circumstances. No one CHOOSES abuse and no one deserves to live within it's grips because there is no apparent way out... We must take a stand or nothing will ever change! Until then you texasgirlsmom & everyone else who finds themselves on this website, I am praying for you and your safety... God Bless!

I thought you hit the nail on the head calling domestic abuse the Secret American Taliban. I was in an abusive marriage for 38 years and have been separated from my husband now for 6 months. I had him arrested for the first time and put him in alcohol rehab and now we are in marriage counseling. He is taking responsibility for his actions and is trying very hard to change his behavior. I am trying to see is it possible for him to change. Can you update me to your situation?

I wasn't making as much as you but had a well respected profession...a nurse and he had money and a highly respected job..in the military. I should have known but I didn't when I married him. Police got involved when he assaulted me the final time. He was arrested and charged. I was left with years of litigation and it's still going on. We separated in 2012. He has taken everything from me. Even my son. His family has money that they are willing to spend on only him. His mother is abusive and psychotic. She's very controlling of everyone in the family. Tries to even control my parents who have sided with him. He will keep going until he has cut me down to nothing. He remarried. I don't know what to do anymore. If I could give advice I would say leave the country. Don't stay here or anywhere that he can find you. If your kids are grown then you can leave. Don't tell anyone. Leave and hope he moves on. I wish I had done the same but I have kids. If there is any way you can somehow save your money and find work overseas...do it. If you have to find someone to go with you do that. If you have to find another temporary boyfriend do that. But leave and never look back. I know it's terrible to think of leaving your country but I think it's the only answer to this sort of behaviour especially because after we leave it's the most dangerous and if they don't kill us they will certainly try to by litigating us, demeaning us publicly and shaming us in whatever way they can. We are different and kind caring people. They don't have something we have and it infuriates them. I hope the best for you and I realize this post is a bit late but I feel for all the women suffering in these circumstances. Thank you for sharing. It really helped to read your story and I hope you feel safe to tell it so other women can also come forward.

Hi everyone. I've read some of your stories and they are heartbreaking. I hope you are all ok. I'm a gay man and I believe that if you feel you are being abused then chances are you are being abused. In the gay community it seems that abusive or bullying men are somehow tolerated cuz we're men you know and it's weak to call out behaviour that is not acceptable. For some reason I seem to attract men who treat me like I'm worthless. I've cut myself and I've also tried suicide. I've read that abusive men tend to blame others but seriously I've spent so much time analysing these relationships I've had and checked my role in them. I believe in some instances I could have done some things differently but I keep coming back to the actions these men have done and keep coming to the same conclusion.

For example. My last partner. After three months into our relationship he dumped me for not replying to a text he sent within 2hours. i was working and couldn't respond straight away. He sent me a text saying it was over. I explained that I was working and he said he thought i was ignoring him so he dumped me. that was the first sign that trouble was ahead but i ignored it. we kept going and i was doing my usual things like cooking for my partner and treating them well. i was at the time caring for my father who was in intensive care, looking after my mum who couldn't do things for herself whilst dad was in hospital, looking after my ex who was experiencing serious financial trouble, looking after my aunty for whom i was guardian whilst she was in a nursing home and slowly dying and also tending to my partner. I treated him for his 40th birthday two days before Xmas. On Xmas Eve he was to meet my family. i text him to pick him up and found out that he'd changed his number. He'd dumped me without warning, for no reason and on Xmas Eve. I thought that was really nasty thing to do. We got together again and then he started telling me lies. he started not turning up as agreed and would be completely uncontactable (I'd gone and bought us food and I was cooking for him and stuff). i told him that I didn't mind if he couldn't make it but could he let me know so I'm not buying food for two and end up wasting it cuz he wouldn't show. he did this time and again (seven times in a row). I never got an explanation nor an apology. He then told me he had an Apprehended Violence Order against from his previous partner. He told what he done to get that AVO and his behaviour was extreme. But what was worse is that he seemed to have no remorse and found it all funny. He told me sent 200 abusive text messaged to his ex partner's new partner some of which were racist in nature. I don't know why I kept going but at times I felt guilty for feeling that this guy is abusive and mistreating me. I asked him once not to abuse or mistreat me and he said he couldn't guarantee that. I don't why I kept going with him but i did. I lent him clothes and when I asked where they were he said they had been stolen (I didn't believe that). He then locked me out of my house when I came back from travelling for work. I kept him informed of where i was and when I;d be home and when I got close to being home (after a 12 hour trip by car, plane and train) he stopped communicating with me. he had my house keys and i couldn't get into my house! This was my own home (he didn't live with me). It was winter, late at night (10pm) and it was freezing cold and i couldn't get into my house or get to my car, nothing. When I confronted him about it he told me he was having crystal meth somewhere, god knows what he was up to. We kept going (God knows why) and then he told me that this guy he'd met was stalking him and I thought why is this guy you met stalking you, did you guys have sex or something? I was getting very suspicious I must say and his behaviour was erratic, involved disrespect for me, my belongings, my home everything. he never apologised for anything and he seemed to have no remorse. We weezed on and then finally he dumped me on the same day I lost my job. he told me twice that if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive but you know I don't look for that kind of thing even though I believe I am a nice person and do a lot for people but saying I saved his life in a way kinda bugs me in a negative way. I don't believe I should have to save people in order to be worthwhile if you understand what I mean.

That was my seventh relationship that I believe was abusive (was it abusive? was it me?). You know what? I can tell you that out of the 7 relationships that was the best one!!!

I've been bullied, I've been threatened by other men in my area and believe me I've had some shocking incidents with some men that even made my daughter cry.

What do other people think of that story? I'm happy to receive any feedback or suggestions. I'm not perfect and I don't expect that in others but to be honest I don't think i was treated very well in that relationship but I can listen to where I might have gone wrong if anyone thinks I have. I welcome and appreciate any comments anyone may have. I'm beside myself with depression and confusion over all this.

Hi. I haven't had a chance to digest your whole story, but a couple things sort of "leap out" at me. I too ask myself "what part did I play"? I think that can be a useful question, in terms of not going down the same road again, but I think it sometimes helps us to "adapt" too much to abusive partners (especially true, I think when leaving immediately isn't/doesn't seem like option). I think it is important to keep in mind that you are not "taking responsibility" for the abuse by questioning "what you could have/should have" done differently.

Looking for the "red flags" before getting involved with someone else and going very, very slowly when you do ... I think that might be helpful to you. Plus, I have found a lot of help in joining support group, whether on-line or in person, a good one where people can challenge you (respectfully) and encourage you. It was really helpful to me, seeing people who seemed to have it "all together" yet learning they were struggling with the same issues I was. Listening to others who were "stuck" or hadn't made as much progress (yet) helped me appreciate my own efforts and also, to identify some of the excuses or "not very helpful" methods I was using. It seems it is easier to see it in someone else, and then that uncomfortable feeling that "that's me, too" hits. But being around those who have gotten further along is really so helpful, too. It was motivating to me and just the experience kept hope alive and real.

And likely you already know it, by acknowledging 7 abusive relationships, it sounds like there is something in the development of the "relationship" that you have a blind spot for, or maybe you are honing in on it for some unconscious reason? I found some of that sort of thing coming to light as I went through therapy and did outside work like journaling, too. I hope things are getting better for you; but keep going forward, there is life at the end of the tunnel!

I have experience with a long term r/s with a physically abusive man, and he certainly fits all the criteria and demonstrated all the warning behaviors.

What am I struggling to understand is one short term r/s I had where the man didn't seem to show any of the warning signs. One night, he got drunk and mad and literally pulverized my face. I was sent to the hospital and the police carted him away. This was SEVERE abuse, way more than I ever experienced from my physically abusive long term r/s. The guy permanently changed the look of my face, choked me, and I was in such rough shape the police forced me to go to the hospital for a C/T scan. I am struggling to understand this? I did not ever go back with this man. But I feel like unless I can understand why he did this without every showing the typical warning signs, I can't ever be sure that any man I am with won't hurt me.

Very sorry to hear this Victim no longer. I hope your physical injuries are healing ok. I certainly hope the batterer has been charged with assault. As for your psychological injuries, well, I can perfectly understand why you would find it difficult to trust again. I think having that mistrust in a way may be a form of protection for you. I wonder sometimes whether having barriers up may not necessarily be a bad thing. After having 7 abusive relationships in a row I certainly have barriers up. I understand that in doing so it may be a protection of sorts but it would also preclude me from having a relationship at all...but then why take the risk, it's just not worth it. Too much of my life has been robbed by these nasty individuals.

The close of the article states that abusers CAN change, however every other article, piece of advice, information I have read about DV states the contrary: abusers don't / can't change and they advise you to leave, get out, run. The article's conclusion is especially odd given it also identifies abuser personalities to be antisocial and/or narcissistically disordered. My understanding is that these types of people are incapable of empathy and remorse. You can't have love without empathy and behavior doesn't change without remorse. In my experience with someone fitting these personality types, there was no empathy, there was no remorse, there was no real love, just lies from an empty shell of a human being. And when I left, he moved on to his next victim quickly to repeat his pattern.

It is irresponsible of the author of this article to suggest that abusers can change. It merely gives victims of DV more false hope when what they need is reality, support and a safe exit plan.

I can not believe the author put out the false information either. He actually cited personality disorders and it is common knowledge they can not be undone especially anti social personality disorder because the brain especially the prefrontal cortex is wired differently. Therapy just makes them smarter and more cunning.

To the women that have endured this and survived: this is a testament to you. I am that guy. I am the abusive partner. My wife of three years, partner for 11, left me recently for the third, and likely, final time. I can tell you honestly that those of us that abuse our partners, in any manner, are somewhat less than real men. You already knew that, but the problem is, we don't. There is something in every abuser's life that takes away a piece of his confidence, so he tries to assert his manliness in the only way he can think of. By forcing it on you. Physically, sexually, or mentally. In my case, being sexually abused as a young teen is the one thing that has always made me feel like less than a man. But I never knew consciously until now. I'm not trying to excuse it in any way, but I really would like to share some knowledge as a part of my own healing. I guess the only insight I can really share is for you to teach your daughters to recognize the warning signs: indications of low self-confidence, or low self-esteem, history of violence in the home, a guy who doesn't actually pursue girls, he waits for one to chase him. This is the trap: he doesn't feel confident enough in himself to make the first move, so when a woman shows interest, he feels like he's already won. She needs him more than he needs her. This is an instant boost to the ego, but doesn't address the root problem. And she never will, because whatever it is that makes him lack the confidence is exactly what he will use as a trigger to lash out. Please don't take this as an excuse of any kind. I only want to help.

So you think a shy person, of which there are many, are abusers? Interesting. A lack of confidence does not make an abuser. You should actually look into abuse more deeply you may in fact find that abusers are often predators which shy people are not. A case recently in my country was a priest who abused a disabled woman. He initiated the sexual contact and she was, given her disability, not confident in herself to resist or stop the abuse. It continued for 14 years. She was not a child at the time but an adult. Look into and study abuse more deeply. I have and I can tell you that what you say is not correct.

Yes. They can be shy. I know from personal experience. He is a very shyy person. Everyone who meets him says " He seems very nice". Family members of mine say " I just can't see him doing that".. Well it's facts. His own family warned me of him not being "An angel" when we first got together but now say he has "Changed and gotten so much better"... but that is what they are best at.. pulling the wool over peoples eyes.

I wanted to comment and share my views on this tragic and widespread problem. People who abuse can vary greatly in demeanor. While most have finely tuned their skills of charm, I have seen/known one abusive man that was overly confident and another that was shy and clearly lacking confidence. Inside, I think both were extremely insecure. One very good book on the topic is "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Best info I have found on the topic.

I'm a person with a disability and deformity. This has taken away a lot of my confidence. What has happened to me is that abusers have come in to my life with the intent to mistreat me. This is a known fact that ppl with a disability are often targets for the unscrupulous. I have suffered at the hands of ppl who manipulate my hopes and gone onto to treat me like dirt, intentionally. I was told that given I am ugly I should realise that I have no power (beauty is power I was told) and that I should move on. This fact has been repeatedly used against me and has resulted in a total lack of confidence. I don't initiate contact with potential partners due to the string of abusive ppl that I've met. That doesn't make me an abuser it makes me a victim and has made me withdraw from life and give up on any notion of having a relationship. You need to understand abusers better than you do. Abusers are predators, they know who to target and it's usually people who lack confidence not ppl who are confident.

The motivations for abuse are plain as the nose on your face. Rage fuels abuse, giving it momentum and self-justification that has nothing to do with confidence or the lack thereof. In that moment, there is nothing an abusive man can find any fine emotion. Not only is he at his worst, he has been taught in his youth that bullying and violence are answers rather than problems.

Men can and do change in terrible ways. Whether the cause is from over exposure to violence or not, they have no idea how to show love because they did not experience it. They cannot possess something that has not been given to them. These types of men cannot change for the better once they have succumbed to the temptations of all consuming rage and the evil therein.

Women do not "give" themselves over in any relationship as a "possession" you can like, dislike or destroy any time you choose. Wisdom teaches us that "if it doesn't feel right," then it probably is not right. Love does no harm to its neighbor, especially in close relationships that should be based on caring and kindness.

Charm is a type of deceit abusive men use to lure victims into a trap. It is a lie. Liars have no truth in them. Therefore, any man who chooses to treat a woman as chattel is not in his right mind. He has abused his power and will ultimately face his Maker on Judgement Day,.

How you describe yourself as an abuser isnt anything new to a woman whos been abused let me tell you. This part of you that recognises the abusive behaviour is what every wife thats been hit by her husband sees....right before she walks out the door thats the part that makes her turn around.... and go back for more abuse the thought that he gets it and will change..after an abusive relationship ive realised that my own personal truth when it comes to abuse isnt that it can be rationalised nor defined....it simply needs to be wiped out....there is no rationalising the fear that a person who claims to love you will stab you in your sleep so please do not rationalise the behaviour that planted the seed of that fear...it may the abuser to sleep at night but theres someone out there who doesnt have the luxury of rationalization because of the abuse.....dont instruct us as mothers to teach girls to avoid this behaviour...it is not our daughters responsibility to fix the "mistakes"...it is our sons that need to learn to not make the bloody "mistakes" in the first place....not an excuse??? Puhlease .....

Honestly thank you. I needed that. Some days I do feel he loves me and other days I'm not sure if it is what is convenient at this moment. I am the type of person who never gives up and believes there is hope. I personally believe there are no characteristics of an abuser. It's all preference really. I struggle everyday to do right. By myself and our daughter. I love him and he is a good person.. but there are two sides to him. Almost like a split personality. I desperately pray for things to get better and they might for a few days or so but then all hell breaks lose.. mainly over his sexual devientsies. I'm stuck with what I should do because getting upset about it just makes me a "whiney bitch"

In no way am I claiming to know you, or what your experiences are; why are you trying to tell me what I know and don't know? You're saying I didn't love the women in my life? You're wrong. Pure and simple. What I'm trying to convey is that I don't love myself enough to be good enough for them. It's a little pretentious to comment on an anonymous person's post and tell them that they don't know what they're talking about, when they're only speaking from their own experience. I'm not saying you don't know what you're talking about, I'm only saying that you don't know me, so how can you know what I know and don't know?

I appreciate your willingness to step into this discussion while admitting to being an abuser. Maybe you are braver than you think. I have just left an abusive relationship. The hurt, the disapointment over the loss of hopes and dreams not to mention the time and energy so many of us women and a few men invest is nothing short of heroic. In the history of humans and more directly the history of relationships it wasn't so long ago where abuse was permitted and even encouraged. The statistics of physical violence is staggering...if you include emotional violence I wonder if there is anyone that is not affected. We have a long way to go.

I'll never give up hope that change is possible. Through serious insight, and counselling, I've started to pick apart the roots of my behaviour. *Disclaimer* You should get used to the idea that even if you are capable of change, you may not ever get her back. You've disillusioned her, broken her trust, and shattered the image she had of you. She will NEVER forget that. Nor should she. What you need now is time to reflect. Time alone, with friends, and definitely with a counselor. Don't set a maximum of sessions. Make them about you, and find what it is in your past that shook your own confidence, then deal with that before trying to move on. Unfortunately, so many people believe that abusers are predatory, conniving, malicious and full of violent intentions. Maybe some are, but I, for one, am not. Mostly, I am an intelligent, goofy, funny, spontaneous, clever, witty, hard-working, little-bit shy kind of guy. my violent side (and I KNOW i can't be the only one) comes out when certain aspects of my masculinity are questioned. EG: When someone threatened my wife, I responded instantly with violence. EXTREME violence. Here in Canada, the charge was "Assault Causing Bodily Harm". Next example: whenever my wife and I argued, and the idea of her leaving came up, I again erupted into violence, of varying degrees. Stop here to look at these examples (but PLEASE don't assume I am trying to excuse my actions.), and dig a little deeper. It could be reasoned that in each of these cases, something I held dear to me, or felt particularly defensive of, was under attack. In the first example, someone hurting my wife would show me to be unable to protect her. To be less than a man. Less than what I was supposed to be. It wasn't my wife that was in danger here, please understand. It was my masculinity. I reacted the only way I knew how. In the second example, the idea of losing what was so important to me (the life we had together, the affirmation on a regular basis that I could be a good man, that I was a good man), connected with a primal need to protect that feeling, that affirmation, that ideal. But, without the self-confidence to deal with it in a non-violent way, I lashed out. Physically. That's how my Dad asserted himself, and because that's what I knew, with no other alternatives, that's what I did. Are we, as humans, so evolved, that we're above generational imprinting? Is it really only animals that pass on behaviours from one generation to the next? Are we so far removed from the animal kingdom that seeing our parents do wrong has absolutely no bearing on how we grow up and act on similar circumstances? Why does a mother bear swat, or bite at her cub, when he sniffs at certain berries? Because she's violent? Because she's abusive? No, it's so he'll grow up knowing that those berries are poisonous, and live to have cubs of his own. Again, I don't want to excuse my actions, or belittle anyone who has suffered at the hands of someone they trusted. I just want people to accept the possibility that some abusers aren't predators. Some of us don't target victims. Some of us are humans. And some of us can change. No. Scratch that. Some of us WILL change.