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My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Look at That!; or Would You Believe Me if I Said I Had Some Infrared Footage of a Mermaid? How About a Coupla Big Foots?

There are shows on cable, shows poorly shot, shows with
dramatic pauses and whispered hisses of “Did you see that?!” and “Shhhh! I
think I just heard something!”, shows where one “goes green” for night vision and
androgynously unwrinkled people just this side of fetus-dom -- and all, mysteriously, named “Devon” -- stare
wide-eyed into the camera while whispering “Oh Em Gee, you guys, this is
amazing!”

These shows are about “phenomenon”.

The first thing to know is that nothing that they “discover”
rightfully evokes wide-eyed gazes.

None of it is amazing.

“No! No no no
no. It’ll be fun.” Kurt grabs a legal pad from the
Administrative Alcove. He is a planner
by profession, and there, in reaching distance – near the Spice Alcove but not
as far as the Emergency Candle Alcove – are the legal pads, pens, scissors, and
binder clips necessary for everyday administration.

He writes furiously, slides the pad to me. “Every time
someone says these things, you drink.”

Go Green/Went Green

Side by Side Comparison

Shh!

Look at that!

Nighttime Investigation

I narrow my eyes. “Whattaya, trying to kill me?”

This is a half-hour show with two “investigations”. In the first one – a 15-minute segment
dedicated to footage of a mist rising out of a swamp – there are six repetitions
of “Look at that!” and four of “nighttime investigation”.

I was sipping water after the first four. “Seriously, Kurt, let’s just walk out of the kitchen
and into the night. First one to lose a
finger to frostbite wins.”

Kurt chooses to misunderstand. “That’s my girl!”

The TV glows, and one of the Devons is almost dangerously
excited. “OMG! OMG!
You guys ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!
You gotta see this! It’s just a
common trick of the light! See? OMG you guys, it all lines up: the tree, the
phone line, the weight of an unladen swallow – see? In a side by side
comparison – after we went green? During the nighttime investigation? – it’s
identical to the original footage! You
guys! This is fantastic!”

The other three hosts bounce up and down in excitement,
high-five each other in delight.

25 comments:

I want to start a new "reality" show called Finding the Unicorn. I will look at night (viewers LOVE green light), find unicorn fur on thorn bushes. We can market it on cable using all your mentioned devices and have a hit show for a couple of seasons, make a lot of money and still never find a unicorn. Are you with me?

Jono, I think you've hit on something with the unicorns. Syndication, my friend, we'll ride it until there are FB memes and t-shirts. USA! USA!

Yamini, you have a lot to do with my return. :-)

Joanne, I'm not saying there's isn't a Sasquatch -- who knows, right?! -- but I hope they never find him/her. Or the Loch Ness monster or any other wild/magical/potentially existent thing.I like a little mystery in my life!

You've nailed these shows, and I am guilty of watching sometimes. I'm pretty sure if they ever get a good pic of Bigfoot it might make the 6 o'clock news, but I watch anyway just in case the news is too busy with other things.

I think this is why my TV set is tuned into tennis at present... Come April, baseball. And if there are too many "OMG" and "Look at that" comments, the sound goes off and I have Alexis play "Steely Dan"

A few years ago the hired help and I had to take out several wasps' nests that we found in the base of an old trailer. We sounded EXACTLY like the hee-haw hicks on those Animal Planet shows. It was embarrassing and funny. Predictable way to get drunk, writing the script for those cable shows.

She's back! She's back! Hurrah!And ha ha, the weight of an unladen swallow.I never watch shows like that. One, once and that was the end of it for me. I'd rather watch something I can laugh at or something with some real action.