We need to cancel some things in New Jersey

The first new television show cancelled this season is “Made in Jersey.” The CBS show, which more than one critic labeled “ridiculous,” was pulled after two lousy episodes.

This schlock was about a New Jersey woman who is hired by a high-powered Manhattan law firm. I never watched a second of it, but based on the reviews, the main character was a caricature of all things Italian and New Jersey, with mall references, big loud families, and — I’m quite confident — a lot of gum-smacking and howyadoin’s.

I’m glad the show was cancelled. Good riddance. New Jersey has enough of a PR problem around the nation (hello, Snooki) that we don’t need another stereotypical portrayal of all things Jersey on the old boob tube.

So yeah: “Made in Jersey.” Taken out to Satriale’s Pork Store and chopped to pieces.

Advertisement

But it got me thinking … what else “made in Jersey” should get whacked? I’m a proud New Jerseyan, and I hate seeing my beloved state take it on the chin. It’s time to act. It’s time to cancel the following “made in Jersey” items.

Star Jones: I loathe Star Jones. I really do. She was raised in Trenton, graduated Notre Dame, and has left her hometown in the dust. For real: When was the last time Star lent her fading star to our fair city? I’ve been here 13 years, and I haven’t seen her once. Star Jones, you’re canceled.

“What exit?” jokes: Yes, the New Jersey Turnpike exists, and yes, by dint of geography, a fair number of us live within a half-hour or whatever of it. But … well, just shut up. It’s not funny. Besides, it was created as a inside joke by New Jersey’s own Joe Piscopo, who is a true New Jerseyan. Love the Pisc. I’d never cancel him.

Electric football: Remember electric football? You set up all the guys, plug in the thing, and they buzz around like dying flies and absolutely nothing happens? Yeah. Invented in New Jersey by a since-deceased Alpine resident named Norman Sas. Worst game ever. No one disagrees. Canceled.

People who say “Joisey”: Right, right, America. We say “Joisey.” Actually, no we don’t. Ever.

Except on cancelled CBS dramas.

Trenton Mayor Tony Mack’s paycheck: That one was thrown out there on my Facebook page by Lisa Tatusko. I second it, and raise her a Hamilton Mayor John Bencivengo paycheck. But what about innocent until proven guilty, you say? OK fine. We won’t “cancel,” as much as we’ll “hold.” Seems reasonable.

Traffic circles: These were all over my Facebook page, and I couldn’t agree more. Only problem: They’re not “made in Jersey.” First one was Columbus Circle in New York. But somehow, it’s stereotypical Jersey. Good enough. And canceled.

The workdays on the days after Thanksgiving and Christmas: Another one from Facebook, this one from Jennifer Roslowski. Done and done, Jennifer. Canceled.

The Chris Christie Show: I like the governor, more or less, but I think it’s time he retires his act for a little bit and get down to the business of running the state.

Canned soup: I’m looking at you, Campbell’s. It’s not that canned soup is bad, but it’s just … not good. For real. No one has ever had a can of soup and was like, “Wow, that’s some great freakin’ soup right there.” Come on people; throw a chicken in a pot, add some water, and let ‘er simmer. Or boil. I have no idea how to make soup, but it doesn’t look so hard.

And lastly, courtesy of Anthony Basile …

Red light cameras: If there’s any one thing you can say about New Jerseyans that’s both stereotypical AND true, it’s that we’re generally not afraid to get in your face. It’s not that we crave confrontation, it’s just that we don’t shy away from it. And red light cameras are about as anti-confrontational as you can get. They’re like some meek midwestern cat lady tsk-tsk’ing her finger at us as we make a right on red without stopping at the white line for three seconds. Well, enough. Red light cameras: Canceled. Round ‘em all up, take ‘em out back the Bada Bing and … oh sorry. I forgot about the “Sopranos” reference thing. Hard habit to break.