Friday, March 19, 2010

I could recognize that pink flowing patiala anywhere, the navy blue kurti, complimenting that slender structure.
The bounce in her walk, the way that shoulder length long hair flew. Not in the unnatural way, but just how it makes you wonder how you would like if you could ever take your eyes off.

Her back was towards me, yet I could gamble all my wealth,everything I own to declare it was her, yes it was.
However, my luck's never quite been such a gold before. I flinched at the thought of her being someone else.
I hesitated. What if these few steps breaks my dream? What if I loose this feeling so real, yet so surreal...... What if,it's not her?
I walk towards her, and there. I hear. That voice. Even after 4 years,I could swear on the deity above, it felt like I heard her everyday.

I remember how it was. Now,even better than real. I was drunk. It was one of those collage fests where seniors like us felt like we were the men of the world. And Hansraj collage... hah, the guys where the shit. Pratigya and I were seeing each other for over 4 years, we met in school, and the years followed. She was in LSR. She wanted it,she got it. She was the kinds who'd look at something,like it,and that's it,it's her's. No,not by means disrespected. But by the brilliance of the brain,and wealth of the heart. She was a lady, 100 boys would die for. But you know what? She never gave anybody a chance to consider her in a romantic way. She didn't break anyone's heart,no way. She didn't. But she was different. The way she dressed,the things that interested her, the tomboyish person,but a girl hidden in her true sense deep down into herself,which only very few people discovered.
She wore kurtas and patialas, or just plain kurtas with jeans and chappals. She wore long earings,rusted,silver,made of mud..Her hair used to be left open,or clutched high up, with strands of hair glorifying her clear skin below, or maybe, hiding it.. It was just a matter of how your eyes saw it..Most missed them.. She carried a jhola, she had millions she fancied, and she spoke loud and clear about her likes and dislikes. Being submissive was something she repelled.
She hated smoking. She used to drink. She used to party, she used to hang out,have fun like any other girl. But,she was never her age. She was much mature.. She...she.. was just different.

We met at a disco. No,we didn't meet. I saw her. Among all the thousand girls in mini skirts and halterts, and a hundred guys in tight tee shirts and jeans,I saw a figure,dancing with her hair flowing,few beady chains swirling around that neck which elegantly held the collar bone that bore out of the cut of her kurta..
Yes, in a dico,I saw her in a plain green kurta with a low cut neck,jeans that almost felt like they were a part of her legs,and sandals..I laughed. Not at her, at myself. I took a sip of my martini, and stared at her for a while. Until...She noticed me.
She questioned me with her eyebrows, I turned around,and joined my friends.. Within all the gossips around the table I sat in,and the music; Lady hear me tonight. . . I kept stealing looks at her. She seemed to have forgotten I existed. I laughed at myself.What a lady..

I left.
~ ~ ~
Next weekend, my friends and I were back at the disco. I somehow looked forward to it, I dressed better,a little shiny,actually. But I felt nervous. Her confidence overruled mine the other night. For the first time,I wasn't bold enough to go,introduce,make conversation. Her eyebrows intrigued me.
And the fact that she wore a kurta at a disco,didn't care a shit,and just danced with her friends with fun and confidence bubbling out........ her aura possessed me.
We entered,and my eyes searched for her.
For the first time,the sight of those cliched hot girls irritated me.
I went up the stairs,carelessly tapping the steel metaled bar, with a hundred hands jumping and dancing below, and that's when I saw a hand, right in the corner, beady stuff adorned in her wrist. She was wearing a halter kurta this time.Hmmm... She dressed up better,too. On second thoughts,I like the other kurta.Actually,she looks god damn hot.God she's sexy.Shut up Abhirup,and fucking talk to her.

I went downstairs,escaped the questioning looks of my friends, who later carried on with beer and partying. Men are like that, it's okay.
I confidently walked her way. She looked at me,and I immediately took a left turn to the bar.Screw it. Maybe next week.
I said to myself, I was panting. No clue why. I ordered for a drink,and sat there with my head low.
I thought to myself.

"Trying to say hello to me for a while?"
I turned. Holy fuck.
Meek laugh. "I..uh not exactly. Yeah,I saw you around..""And kept staring? I'm sorry is that how you behave usually,with girls?"
She was smiling at me. Her eyes,teasing.
I laughed. "No,not at all. And that's exactly why I can't figure why am I doing so with you""Do all boys throw the same rotten liners to every single girl?""NO! You got me wrong,I'm not trying to-""Flirt? Naah,you're to nervous to do that!"
I smiled,and frowned."I see you've put in extra efforts with your apparels today."
It wasn't a question. She made a statement.
I looked at her dumbfound. "Excuse me!? We've met 5 minutes,and you say I've dressed better to impress you!?""I never said that,but you're not wrong anyway." she smiled."Uh,listen..uh...err..?...whatever your name is?--" my defensive mode on,"Pratigya. And hey,just accept it, it's okay""Why are you so over confident?""Naah,just confident""Experience,much?""Hardly.""You're pretty dressed,yourself." I made the statement,now."It's my friend's birthday""Do all girls throw the same rotten liners to every single guy?" I smiled a tease at her own words."Want to try the birthday cake to sober your suspicions?""Uh, okay. Never mind." I surrendered."So?""So what?""Isn't this the part where usually men ask for the girl's number?""Have you read a book on what men do?""I like your Witt""You're not bad yourself.""So....see you around""Wait! What's your number?"
She laughed."Not so fast." She winked,and went to her friends.

I turned around,looking forward to the next weekend.

**************************************************
Weekends passed,months did,years came around,and we stood,3 years after the first time we met.
Back at the collage fest.
She came,ruffled my hair and said "Whatsup hottie?"
My friends whistled.
Gah. Spineless men,each one of them."Nuh..nothing much. What are you doing he..here? Weren't you going to miss tod..ay's fest?""Abhirup,are you drunk?"
My friends laughed. She shot them a look.
I giggled. "A little bit,baby. But that's okay. I'm good. How was collage?""Yeah man,you're so okay that you think we have a collage day on a colaborative fest day. You sure are fine.""Hey...relax. I'm just a little high,why the fuss?""The fuss because you're not doing quite well health wise lately,are you Mr.Dutt?""Okay,Pratigya. Really, stop it. Just chill on it. I'm cool.""He's cooooooooooool....." mocked my drunk friends."You're cool. I'm not. Let's get home.""Wtf is wrong with you Pratigya?! I'm freaking in collage okay? Getting drunk is no big shit. Just cut me some slack man. Really."
My friends cheered. I started laughing with them. I saw her eyes, they were hurt."It's big shit cause you were in the hospital 15 days back with your single mother crying sick,you asshole""Don't.Get.Mom.Into.This."
I sounded dangerous to my own ears."I will. Okay,I godamn will. You drink when you're fine with your fucking heart,I'm fine. But you will not attend a collage fest in this state of health with alcohol screwing you up. Abhi,let's get home.Now.""Abhiiiii....your heaarrrttt!!!!!...teraa dilll!!!" laughed my friends."Obviously your pals don't quite give a shit to the hospital bills your mother had to pay, about the fact that you escaped a cardiac arrest,and that your father isn't here anymore to support a family and it's just you.""Oh fuck Pratigya,just GET LOST. I'm SICK AND TIRED of your godamn problems. You have issues okay!? I mean,you,the intellectual sorts! Wear a bloody kurta and talk about dreams and life that isn't reality! Have you ever tried coming back down to Earth?! My house,my problems,can you just bloody let ME handle all that mess?! Can you just leave me alone at times?! Can you just fucking go and promise me to let me BE ALONE?"
She looked at me.
She turned around,and walked straight. Her pink patiala slowly vanishing into the crowd of students dancing and laughing around, promising me to never come back again.

---------------------------------------------------------------
She was right. I was wrong.
She was the one who was on Earth and knew my health conditions,and warned me practically about them.
I was the one in dreams,never caring to get back on Earth.
She cared.
I did,too. But was provoked to destroy her's in regard to the alcohol that consumed me,and my friends who used me.
Alcohol did me apart from a girl I wished to marry. From a girl who truly felt for me. From a girl who loved me. From a girl,I loved.
************************************************

I could recognize that pink flowing patiala anywhere, the navy blue kurti, complimenting that slender structure.The bounce in her walk, the way that shoulder length long hair flew...And I heard her voice.And I walked right towards her,with no left turns or about turns whatsoever. She was mine,to have.

Cause, I can swear and scream that class 10th has been one of the best years of my freaking life. Although I'm not done with even a quarter of my life,yet. But whatever. I'm 15,and I'm allowed to sound big :P

Class 10th started with a note of sincerity and anxiety. I remember crying the day before my first day cause it dawned on me that stepping into class 10th is a huge milestone,and crossing it will be crossing one..[I've always been a bit too over emotional :| ]
I made a history copy for the first time in my life. I wrote all the notes down,my copies were up-to-date.
Checked.
End of first month-- "Hey! Where did my history copy go again!?"
:D
I was back to myself with all my friends. That doesn't mean being careless about studies or whatever, but you know, just being us :)
We all scored brilliantly in our first round of exams. We remained high in the joy of those exams when the next round rolled in and our answer sheets came.Uhm. Shit. Need to start studying.

Then....exams came and went. Our retarded school started kissing us with godknowhat kind of exams..French classes were a ball.
Nobody studied, it was a class we guys looked forward to, Abida ma'ammmmm! We love you! :)Math classes ; "Uh...remya...wtf is this again?!"All SST classes; Remya and my chats on the back of notebooks."You're going to loose your love life like Chandragupta""You're such a Durgacharan!"English; There is nothing , absolutely nothing as much fun as mocking our darling Mathur who hates us with the core of her heart :) it's a mutual feeling :)Science: Everybody studied. Not.
Ved Prakash was our baap."Yes...Tum, batao, explain inertia!"
Atreyi: *grabbing the chalk* *making a random drawing on the board* Sir! you seee......JUST SIT DOWN!!! Stupid girl!!
Not to forget Remya's sincere notes-taking xDBio: Kusum Gaur believed Biology was a way of embarrassing girls and boys about their bodies.
Uhm, Shall not comment any further. :|Chem: Anuradha sen Ma'am \m/Computer: Swati ma'am :D

All in all, there were teachers who hated us. There were those who loved us so much that they practically got us out of shit.I will never forget :
1. Remya's -- Chhhhoooootttiiiiiyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa
2.Our class bunks in the library. Yeah,we can be very sad :|
3.Monica's chirpy self
4.Megha's: Kyaaaa yaaaaaaaaaaar :(
5.Shreyansha and our regukar fights and patch ups :P
6.Not studying :D
7.Rob and Joy's crazziinneeess
8.Boo-ing the 'wanna-be's' of our class.
9.Lunch breaks.
10.Chilling at X C like we own the class.
11.Kartavya and I -The 'Shyamak' group :P
12.French classes :D
13.Charu and my intellectual chats inbetween classes.
14.Atreyi's retarded self. "Remmmyyyaaa!!! NILAAANNNJJJAAANNNAAAAAAAA!!!!"
15.Qutub minar and minara's sluttiness :|
16. Kathi and Katha's loser loweee.
17.Raghav's nymphomaniac self --- "We want porn!"
18. Nitin: Following Raghav's footsteps.
19.Mohit: "Yaar dekh Nilanjana..English mein bachaliyo yaar.....!!!"
20.Bitching about Mathur. ##$%#^#$##$!!!
21.Giving Srishti looks.
22.Hiding from Abida at every copy submission.
23.Cursing sangeeta Batra when made to sit on the floor :|
24.Omg, FRENCH AT REMYA'S!! :P
25.My close friends in class 12............. Miss you guys!

And the list goes on............... :D

Class 10th has brought in friendship,love,hate,and all sorts of feelings. I became a published author in July, a milestone I still smile at. My friendship with some people has deepened into oceans...and with some,they've strayed lost and scattered as the wind blew.
My achievements and failures-both-taught me to work hard,and always hold a vision about things. 10th has taught me that no matter what the world says,for being a success,my original thoughts are the key and not what the others say.
I've discovered sides of me,and so have my friends.
I've fought when my friends were hurt by anyone, and they've done the same. I've made bonds with so many teachers which will remain.
Most of all,
I've learnt that even if the whole world says something is scary,and distasteful,
that very thing might just turn out to be the most colorful and vibrant existent in your life.
People feared me about class 10th,
but today,I'm over what they say. And no matter how the results turn out, class 10th will be one of the most cherished and memorable years of my life.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The school gate closed behind me.
It was the last day,I'd ever wear a uniform and have the green gate to welcome me. Remya stood in front,anxious and prepared for a sudden breakdown. Alijah was consciously kidding around, trying to ease the tension of warring thoughts in everybody. Kartavya,trying his best, to look away and smile every time a tear threatened to escape.
I stood there,looking at the abnormal chatter, the curse-less jokes, the nervous laughs from Charu and Shreyansha, the forced laughs and pats, as a fresh layer of tears blinded my horizon.
I blinked it away, turned back and stared at the gate. The Guard gave me a smile, he liked me as a kid.
My report card,bent in the pressure of my fingers, and the tiny form in it- My immigration form.

Those flashbacks of Remya and I dreaming of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and of anywhere abroad... Kids that we were... those countless number of times when we wished a life away from the roofs of India, and those careless jokes about going away.
All the words and conversations started buzzing in my ear, my eyes couldn't focus and my body-a vegetable.
Monica caught me just as I was about to slip, I shock back to the world around me; "I'm fine."
I said,as my friends rushed towards me.

My parents were waiting in the other side of the road in the car. My bags packed. Our bags packed.

Was this really happening? Was I leaving for good? After 15 years of these guys, do I leave all this behind, and embrace a new place,a new nationality? What am I without these people? What am I without the laughter,the jokes,the love,the empathy,the honesty and being of these people?
Was this worth it?

My father honked.
Kartavya started crying. Right in front of me; "You don't know what you're doing man. You don't"I didn't. And I said that to him.

I looked at these friends,one last time. I tried to see through,and feel the love and warmth that each one of them emitted for me. But I knew I wasn't strong enough to cater the needs of my heart by a memory of the eyes of each.
I knew,I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I'd miss them and cry bitterly for them. I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I was leaving for good, and this was the last time we were standing together- ever. Life would do us apart the minute I sat on the plane.
Cause I knew,that I wasn't strong enough to start a new beginning with memories from the past that'd tear my heart in and out to go back to those moments,and freeze in them forever.

I sat in the car,
and looked back with endless cold tears on my face,looking at these bunch of people who bid me goodbye. Who loved me,even though I had decided to be blind,deaf and dumb to that love from now on.

When I landed on the Berlin airport,
I smsd Remya ; "There's no way,I'm letting go off you guys. See you next summer,babe."

----------------------------When people give you love unconditionally and never ask for you to return it, your heart rests in peace only after that love is returned and held on to,for the rest of your life.Letting go,isn't that easy. And at times,no matter how ardent the thought is, you figure that the weakness in you becomes the strength to hold on, forever, and ever in life....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**************

DISCLAIMER: I am very well here,very much in India. This post is purely fictitious. Real names of my friends just helped me feel myself in those imaginary shoes :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Tomorrow, I sit for the all India, CBSE class Xth Board examination.
Sounds big, by the way I say it right? Seems big,too. I'm nervous. When I go through last year's Board paper,I'm like "WTF!? No wait..this is..haan,this is easy, BUT.." . Where as,that same paper, a week back gave me a reaction that was "Wtf! I'm topping!".

I hang up.
That 15 lined conversation was all it took to screw me up. In and out.
I opened my book. Do I remember anything? Vaguely.Where was the iron and steel plant that sounded like an actor?Salem.And....What stuff would I like to rub on Shiv Senanian's faces?Lignite.Hmmmm.... What was land reclamation?Reclaiming of marshy,waste land..for cultivation, settlements, and other purposes.. I'd like to cuddle up and die in that marshy land,be invisible till 31st March.

Deep breathing. Mom enters. Sees my face. Brother enters, sits next to me and goes:"You do realize you look like you'v been punched while shitting?"
I nod.

We both crack into mad laughter.

Yeap. I'm going to be fine. Like a very dear one said:" Few years down the line,when you sit in that seat as an economist and sign books, nobody's going to give a flying #$@* about a 90% or a 40% in your boards.. It's not the end of it. Just believe in yourself,and keep climbing those stairs like a stubborn kid who refuses to let go!"

To allll of you guys,who texted/called/mailed-- Thankyou.
You guys have truly made my day blissful-I know you care. And I love you guys for it.
Ramit and Sulagana: I love you both. Thankyou! You two have encouraged me like my guardians! Mwah!
And to all of you blogger sweethearts, thanks for your wishes :)