Confessions of a former sportswriter

In case of strike/strife/lockout …

The excellent Sklarbro Country podcast had Jerry Jones (actually Chris Cox’s outstanding impression) talking about what his plans are for the monument to his vanity known as Cowboys Stadium what with the NFL out of business for the immediate future. Possible future usage: Frisbee golf course.

University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale, Arizona: Remember when you’d get the whole school together in high school after sixth-period? I’m thinking it’s time for the first-ever University of Phoenix assembly. They can fit all the people taking online classes together in that stadium. To make it like those August-September assemblies in my high school, open up that roof and make ‘em sweat.

Georgia Dome, Atlanta, Georgia: Well, using it as a tornado shelter is a bad idea I suggest turning it over to The Varsity to be turned into the world’s largest combo meal container. The No. 2 is a chili cheese dog, chili cheese burger, fries or onion rings and a regular drink. Imagine a super-duper-sized one, and how much Coca-Cola you could serve in it.

M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland: It’s an open-air stadium, so it would be hard to turn it into one of those bars with the Beat poets reciting their rhymes and slams, but it’s the city where Poe died.

And the Ravens, never blitzing, still are sitting, still are sitting
By the pallid bust of Billick just above the locker room door;
And big guys use all the scheming of a coach that is beaming,
And the player o’er him screaming throws his jockstrap on the floor;
And the goal from out that underwear that lies moldering on the floor
Shall be picked up — nevermore!

Ralph Wilson Stadium, Orchard Park, New York: I say we slide it over to the Niagara River, and ride it over the Falls.

Soldier Field, Chicago, Illinois: Another easy one. Launch that puppy like the spaceship it is.

Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio: With no NFL action, the stadium doesn’t need Paul Brown’s name on it. The hell with naming rights. I’m going naming rites. How does Bootsy Collins Funky Field sound? And what, besides a raging bass riff do you need for entertainment? “WKRP in Cincinnati” playing on the big screens.

Cowboys Stadium, Arlington, Texas: Frisbee golf is good, but I think Jerry just oughta build a 100-foot statue of himself in it and turn it into an art museum.

Invesco Field at Mile High, Denver, Colorado: Cover up those seats with man-made snow and you’ve got a bitchin’ mini-mountain, dude.

Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan: Turning it into an automobile factory would be interesting, but too easy. I think we’ll just give each resident of Detroit their own personal seat and be done with it. And when your neighbors leave town, you can create a little bed for yourself in the empty seats.

Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin: There’s a shirt that says Green Bay is a drinking town with an NFL football problem. Therefore, I dub Lambeau a beer garden.

Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana: More oil! Think I’m going to stick with that theme? Wrong! Turn it into a 24/7, non-stop movie theater only showing 19xx’s Corey Haim classic “Lucas” on the big screens. I’m allowing a little football in, and also marveling at how we never thought, watching that movie, how Corey Haim, Charlie Sheen and Winona Ryder would turn out all these many years later.

EverBank Field, Jacksonville, Florida: Jacksonville is the largest city by area in the U.S., and it’s generally considered to be a bad Super Bowl host because of it. So I say give ‘em this seasons’ Super Bowl, and let it be a tiddlywinks game should there be no game.

Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri: The use is in the name. Make it the world’s largest Native American museum, turning the playing field into a Williamsburg on the plains.

Sun Life Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida: The stadium will very likely change names, and probably three times, before I ever get around to posting this. Nobody in Miami actually cares about sports, so turn it into a big nightclub and try to knock some of the sheen off Miami Beach.

Mall of America Field, Minneapolis, Minnesota: This is the real reason behind the labor unrest, trying to buy time to get the Metrodome fixed. Why anybody ever thought an inflatable roof was a good idea is beyond me. But assuming they get it fixed, why not make it a giant bouncy castle for kids?

Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts: I once nearly got locked in the old stadium in Foxborough after a Saints-Patriots game. If I recall correctly, I even drove in one of the concourses trying to get out of the parking lot. This was in the days before cell phones, so I was in a bit of a panic. I’m not still driving around it, so things turned out OK. (Or, as well as things can in Foxborough.) Turns out, the original name of Foxboro stadium was Schaefer Stadium, after the brewery. So let’s turn Gillette into a brewery. Drunk Bostonians rejoice.

Louisiana Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana: Gumbo pot, natch.

New Meadowlands Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey: Maybe Jimmy Hoffa was buried here. Turn it into the Mafia Hall of Fame museum. Natural choice for Jersey.

Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, Oakland, California: We’re doing nothing with this one. Just making all those idiot Raiders fans wear their dumb costumes and watch the grass grow.

Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: I bet you thought this never-ending post would have a list of 57 things to turn the stadium into. I’m growing tired, as it’s been the better part of a week since I started cobbling together this lame effort. Instead, how about they just take the time to actually, you know, get a good field in there.

Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego, California:

Candlestick Park, San Francisco, California:

Qwest Field, Seattle, Washington: You thought I’d go World’s Largest Starbucks here, I bet. (With one in the restroom, too.) Too danged easy. How about giving Pike Place Fish Market the chance to chuck ‘em from the top of the stadium to the field?

Edward Jones Dome, St. Louis, Missouri: Since the Sklars are from St. Louis and inspired this, turn it into the world’s largest comedy club. HENDERSON!

Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida: Poor owners and players should sail that big pirate ship out into the Gulf and go scrounge up some money.

LP Field, Nashville, Tennessee: The “LP” in the stadium name stands for Louisiana-Pacific, a Nashville-based company that makes building materials. Louisiana-Pacific? Nashville? I think they missed a class in third grade or something. LP Field will now be home to the National Geography Bee.

FedEx Field, Landover, Maryland: Make Little Danny Snyder play touch football there while piping in freedom of the press lectures over the loudspeakers.