Laughing Matters by Bobbie Siegle Awed by Austria, tempted by torte

Published 7:31 pm, Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Danube River is not really blue, no matter what the famous waltz of Johann Strauss II claims, unless it's reflecting a friendly sky. This is according to the experts, meaning guides devoted to escorting eager river tourists.

I believe it. We never saw blue water on our one-week cruise from Germany to Budapest, except maybe for a few hours in Vienna. We didn't really care, although we would have been happy to experience a little more warmth.

Within 24 hours of traipsing around various towns, I had bought two hats and a scarf and was layering sweaters under the light coat I had optimistically packed. Even the Austrians were aghast at the unseasonably nippy spring temperatures; they sadly seemed to have abandoned hope of producing the annual early crop of white asparagus.

Admiring the confluence of the rivers Stehr and Enns in the architecturally dazzling town of Stehr was a positively glacial experience, and I could have done without turning that last corner out of the shelter of the buildings.

Now that my routine complaining is out of the way -- it was a great trip. Most of our week was spent here and there along the not-so-blue Danube in Austria. I astounded myself as flashes of my college German occasionally arose, such as "Guten Tag" and "Bitte schön." Nothing like resurrected fluency in a foreign land.

We were escorted by riverboat and bus past quaint towns, graced by at least one imposing church -- I just love steeples. Traditional red-tiled roofs were replaced by modern solar panels, not terribly picturesque but at least efficient. Progress always trumps charm.

Austria is justifiably proud of its historical celebrities. Take Mozart. Austria has produced a massive list of composers over the years, including Haydn, Mahler, Hoffman, Schubert, and four Strausses.

We barely heard a word about any of them, except Mozart. Entire gift shops were dedicated to this worthy genius, and I challenge anybody to name a souvenir not available with his name or image, from pencils to holiday ornaments to jewelry and every imaginable article of clothing.

Then there was Gustav Klimt, the symbolist painter largely preoccupied with depicting the female body in assorted peculiar poses. His most famous work, the golden couple entwined in "The Kiss," was similarly reproduced every which way in memorabilia. I was quite taken with a scarf until I noticed the price of $85.

Hugely illustrious is the 19th century Austrian Empress Elisabeth. This beauteous consort of Franz Josef I, more popularly known as Sisi, seems to have been a fascinating character indeed and liberated way ahead of her time.

A health fanatic and possible anorexic, Sisi asserted herself as she felt necessary, for example refusing to have endless royal children on the grounds that pregnancy interfered with her inherent loveliness.

She traveled independently all over Europe, smoked cigarettes, and apparently lived (and loved) pretty much as she pleased until she was assassinated by a crazed anarchist in 1898.

Not to be overlooked is the magnificent 18th century Empress Maria Theresa, last of the ruling Hapsburg Dynasty. Her presence is everywhere at Schloss Shönbrunn, a very rococo imperial 1,441-room summer palace near Vienna.

Proudly fertile mother of 16, this empress was something of a progressive in the fields of health care, finance and civil rights. Among her many accomplishments, she increased national revenue by clever taxation, founded a hospital, promoted childhood inoculations and ended the regrettable practices of unhygienic burials and witch burnings.

Our guide, apparently an expert on vermin, told us bathing was not a popular 18th century activity, creating serious flea issues. There were some creative solutions. Ladies hid sugary things in their voluminous hems to keep the pests at floor level and adopted lapdogs to lure away any stragglers.

The term "flea market" apparently arose from a quarterly fest held for local peasants, who were given the opportunity to be picked over by monkeys before enjoying whatever other festivities were offered.

In Vienna, the tour guide proudly pointed out the Sacher Hotel, home of the famous torte. Of course, we felt it obligatory to have some for lunch.

I was stunned to find myself unimpressed with this celebrated chocolate delicacy. So when Sacher Torte appeared on the dinner dessert menu on the boat, I thought I'd better give it another chance; I didn't like it any better. This mentality partially explains the five pounds I somehow acquired during the trip.

Although not the empire it once comprised, Austria is still a great nation. I was surprised to find how small it is geographically, because it seems enormous historically. I needed a lot more time there.