Utterly lost.

Hello. Despite spending well nigh twenty years of my life in relative social isolation, I have never before known loneliness. I have never known what it is like to be helpless, to feel so incredibly worthless when I myself have so much potential. Certainty of mind and action alike have governed my reality to the point of apathetic pragmatism; I was once in control of all I thought and felt.

Of course, I no longer am. Or put a clearer way, I am no longer sure exactly of who I am or what is important to me.

I am still able to carry out actions efficiently and creatively enough to achieve any desired ends, provided they be strictly material. But the means of which I do so hold no true connection to myself. They are strictly the result of overmuch observation and analysis of things external. I have in this respect become a jester: the fruits of my labors, artistic and academic alike, are so far removed from anything I am familiar with as to have almost no meaning at all, no more worth than if I were tossing stones.

I do not feel any emotion but loss, and a whorl of confusion concerning every minute aspect of my own existence.

How did this phenomenal train-wreck of mind occur? I do not know. Certainly it is not from isolation exclusively, for the trials of this I have endured almost thus far. Have I overworked myself? Gone far beyond any known intellectual limits and stumbled partway into insanity?

...I think there are quite a few people here who share your feelings of hopelessness. I'm struggling to find my identity and any form of confidence that I can grasp at. It's really hard and when you're in this hopeless state of mind- you can't see a positive side to anything. It's all negative... it's all an endless cycle of confusion.

You've only just joined the forum-- so I'll say welcome!
You are welcome to share your thoughts and feelings here and hopefully you can find some level of comfort knowing that there are other people who feel the same. It's okay to ask for help; so please do.

i'm not totally sure to be honest what to say at this point but give me time and i will. i'm just a little slow in the head right now, but i do know i want to say welcome to the forum. i'm really glad you're here and please by all means continue to voice anything you'd like. we'll listen. please take care