Fearing the demise of her own species, Sarah Palin (seen here on a baby-seal-clubbing expedition) opposes evolutionism.

She has swept simian beauty pageants. Hitchhiked without using a (pre-hensile) thumb. Coupled with her life-long (running) mate in the Alaska wildlife refuge. And her banana peeling skills are said to be legendary.

She is Sarah Palin, the presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate for the 2008 Election.

She is a beauty contest winner, an expert sharpshooter, an obedient wife, and a proud mother. Every Sunday at her Pentecostal church, she can be found thumping her chest and swinging from the rafters, railing against the evils of evolution…for obvious reasons. Many members of her Alaskan cabinet of Intelligent Design have supported her views, though they lack the ability to hear, see, or speak about the complexities of the real world outside of their insulated habitat:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…

However, one survivor has seen, first-hand, the negative, global impact of this governor’s environmental policies…

WASHINGTON STATE: Feb. 9: On Saturday night, Senator Barack Obama became the first African American to win the Washington primary/State Powerball election. “I am so ecstatic right now,” Obama raved to a crowd of 35,000 Washingtonians, many of whom resented the Illinois State senator for choosing the winning number. “I know what you’re thinking: he’s got my lucky number. But in these past few weeks, I’ve noticed something about Americans all across this great land…

I’ve heard from seniors in Seattle who bet their pensions on weekly lotteries, including Elroy Berdahl, who spent over $58,000 only to pull a number 4 in the last election.

I’ve heard from Maytag workers, competing with Walmart employees, who had to mortgage their 2nd homes on lucky 8…” (etc.)

Since 1938, Washington State has insisted on holding caucuses that involve no voting machines, no ballots, and no direct public participation. Instead, this exceptional caucus relies upon an elaborate contraption called the LottoCycle, a patented wheel-and-shooter system powered by several hundred hamsters trained to stop at the precise moment when the balls of Fate must descend into the hands of the winner.

The LottoCycle offers voters the consolation of knowing, with absolute certainty, that their vote really IS left up to chance…

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, flanked by one of dozens of aspiring First Ladies.

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney has been dogged by reporters and media pundits, all of whom excoriate the 2008 Presidential candidate for his checkered polygamous past. In order to dispel these rumors, Romney delivered a press conference on the steps of the Salt Lake City courthouse. Flanked by half a dozen wives on his left and half a dozen on his right, Romney defended himself against charges of immoral conduct:”I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” Romney said, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, “at least not outside of wedlock. Or that woman…or that one…or that one, either.”

Having lost track of the names of his various wives, Romney has recently started to number them.

When pressured to respond to how he intended to become elected to the White House with multiple first ladies, Romney replied graciously, “I will built a new First Ladies Wing, and provide all spouses with room and board, three square meals a day, and the occasional conjugal visit.”

Romney has made great strides with the Christian Coalition, building common ground with leaders like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed. “We all agree that when it comes to divorce, our nation has reached a point of critical mass. Which is why banning divorce altogether and promoting abstinence in its place is the best solution…and, barring that, endorsing multiple unions in patriarchal families is the second best solution.”

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