Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I’ve only got basic cable right now. I got tired of all the crap that was on TV and how expensive it is. Sometimes I miss going past 28. Like when I realize that 2 of my channels are French and another one is the Sun News channel.

It’s like Fox News but everyone is uglier and more boring.

I usually just end up watching Simpson’s reruns. I saw one the other night with Cletus in it.

Cletus found a pair of scissors or something and said, Hey Brandine! I found somethin what to finally cut that umbilical cord with. And then it cuts to this:

Ahahahahahaha! Yes I know the Simpson’s kind of sucks now and we all wish Lisa was dead but sometimes they can still make the magic happen. And that scene got me wondering too. Do you think you could raise a baby with the umbilical cord still attached? You might have to keep it in a bucket full of embryonic fluid or something but could the mother still just eat stuff and the baby would get fed? Time to produce some magic of my own. Magic of the internet variety.

Question 49: Can a mother not cut the umbilical cord and feed and raise her born baby with it?

Magic Internet Answer:You are lucky that computers do not have a gag reflex because that question is so stupid that it would surely cause me to purge abandoned Hotmail accounts all over you. You obviously have little to no knowledge about the process of human birth. The umbilical cord is attached to the placenta. The placenta may remain attached to the mother for several minutes but it will eventually detach. Therefore there is no way that the child could remain attached to the mother for any great length of time.

Hospital Dumpster Diner. Today’s Special: Free range Haggis.

Did you not learn any of this in school?

Well, they tried to show us a video once in grade 9 health class but the teacher left the room while we were watching it and one kid went up to the VCR and started fast forwarding and rewinding it over and over so we just saw the baby shloping in and out. Since then I have avoided witnessing anything like that because I think it’s gross. Right P. Diddy?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

So what this means is that many people today are walking around with a little bit of caveman DNA in them. A little bit?! It’s got to be more than a little bit. Sometimes I’m surprised there aren’t balls of hairy knuckle skin blowing around the streets like tumbleweed. But at least this explains a lot.

It explains:

Ultimate Fighting fans.

Putting balls on your truck.

The popularity of Charlie Sheen.

Burger King’s menu for the next several decades.

Those guys that scream, Wooo! all the time when they get drunk.

Hunting lingerie.

The recording and production of a new Limp Bizkit album.

Beer for dogs.

Fur coats for men.

Female body builders.

Owning a 2,000 sq ft home but still feeling the need to turn your garage into your dream bachelor apartment.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Looking for furniture sucks. There’s really only 3 ways you can go about it; cheap, expensive or vintage. If you have even an iota of taste and you want new cheap furniture then your only real option is Ikea. I’m starting to loath Ikea. Sure some of their stuff looks ok and it’s a good deal but any retro Scandinavian penance it has is instantly ruined the first time someone comes over, points at it and says, Ikea, huh? And if you don’t look out you’ll wake up one day feeling like you’re living in the showroom or worse yet the Sims.

The absolute worst part about buying Ikea furniture is having to go to Ikea. No matter what time of year it is there’s always some dumb parents buying stuff for their dumb daughter who’s going away to college. And lots of those asshole couples from Mississauga. I can’t be bothered trying to describe them. Just take a handful of the following words, throw them at the wall and see what sticks.

Track pants cell phone tribal tattoo hot pink Coach Purse cologne at 10 am gum chewing spray tan will this fit in the Civic? no socks Tap Out Fight wear eyebrow ring Pink is the New Black What about this babe? What about this one babe? What do you think of this Babe?

If it wasn’t for the 50 cent hot dogs and that weird pop that tastes like Christmas I would happily pledge never to set foot in Ikea again. But if you want cheap, that’s where you have to go. What other choices do you have? The Brick? Fucking Leons??!!

Vintage furniture shopping is more fun. Especially when you get a deal. I got two 50s Danish teak chairs from a record store the other week for $150! But getting deals on vintage furniture is becoming more and more difficult. Most of the good stuff costs as much as high end new furniture. And like Ikea you need to know when to draw the line. A few good vintage pieces can make a room look modern yet lived in but if you go overboard people might start to think you suffered some kind of nervous breakdown in the 60s.

Oh and if people like this make you uncomfortable.

Then vintage furniture shopping probably isn’t for you.

That just leaves expensive furniture. Expensive furniture is nice. It better be. Shopping for it sucks. All expensive furniture stores seem to be staffed by ex models. They can only speak in a polite whisper but they possess the ability to sum up your net worth in a single scathing glance.

Just browsing, hmm?

Even if you do break down and buy something you’ll never be happy with it. As soon as the card is swiped you’ll be thinking I can’t believe I just paid that much for something I can’t even drive home. And once you get it home you won’t even want to sit on it in case you ruin it. That’s why people have those rooms that no one sits in. I had a friend growing up whose parents had one of those rooms. If we went in there when his parents were out he would vacuum the carpet after to hide the foot prints. He’s probably a serial killer now.

Are you SITTING in my Karl Farbman??!!

I’m telling you, don’t send your kids to karate, don’t send them to skateboard camp. (Yes it exists I’ve seen it.) Send them to furniture making classes. They’ll thank you for it later. That’s what they should be teaching in art school, a useful form of art. I can’t count the number of times I’ve needed something to sit on in a gallery after reading the horseshit some contemporary artist has written to describe 2 blobs and a stroke. But maybe making furniture is too much like hard work. Maybe it’s not creative enough. Maybe the medium is too ridged. You know what would make it more appealing? If you could melt wood. Imagine the amazing furniture designs you could have if you could melt wood like plastic. Why can’t you? When I was younger I thought every material could be turned from a solid into a liquid or gas with enough heat. My theory on wood was that you just had to figure out a way to bypass the combustion point. Maybe you can. I don’t know. But I know someone who does.

Question 48: Can you melt wood?

No furniture rant written by a Torontonian is complete without the Idomo guy.

Magic Internet Answer: It is physically impossible to melt wood. Materials like water, metal, rock and even plastic are simple structures that do not go through large changes when they are heated.

Like hot dogs!

But when wood is heated it decomposes chemically. The chemical bonds that hold it together breakdown causing it to come apart. Also when wood is heated in air it begins to oxidize. One might think this could be prevented by heating wood in a vacuum. In space perhaps? But even heating wood slowly in the vacuum of space would not prevent it from decomposing into carbon charcoal and methanol among other components. Not to mention the facts that long term heat exposure lowers wood’s ignition temperature and it would most certainly burn up when reentering the earth’s atmosphere. Ha, ha. Magic Internet make joke.

Well that answers that. You can’t melt wood people. Not even in space. So you steampunks better think twice before loading your wooden R2 D2s into your brass X-Wings.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

As the fat kid from Stand By Me Johnny Creepshow has asked me to come on here today and relay an important message to my fellow Americans. It would appear that we’re becoming quite the pants loads.

For those of you with digits to lard laden to click on the link or for those of you that can’t stop picturing the McRib long enough to read the article, allow me to give you the gist of it. This month a study was released highlighting America’s downward spiral into obesity in the past 20 years. In 1991 there was not a single state with an obesity rate over 20%. Now more than two-thirds of our united states are at rates above 25 percent. In a chocolate covered deep fried nutshell America is just getting fatter and fatter.

It no doubt cost several million dollars for a team of scientists to bring you this information.

Even though this team could have told you for minimum wage and a promise not to be scheduled this Saturday.

Now you can point your dialing wand at all sorts of reasons for this unprecedented blimp-out. Big business’ control over the country’s food sources, the lack of nutritional standards in school cafeterias, the existence of fried cola. I’m no dietitian or socio-economical expert; I’m the fat kid from Stand By Me. So I’m not going to get into it. Besides, I’m too busy being amused by the fact that a large percentage of my countrymen now resemble what was once a sideshow attraction.

This is Chauncey Morlan. 100 years ago he was considered so fat that people would pay money just to look at him.

Here’s a collection of pictures taken from the first page of a Google Image search for typical American:

Wow! Don’t go asking Madam Ruby to rub her crystal ball and send you into the future Chauncy. You’ll be out of a job.

Actually that’s not true. You can still be a cop.

But here’s what really worries me about America. If these rates continue to rise, we are in serious danger of becoming uncool. There was a time when America set the standard for cool. Remember these guys?

But how is America going to remain cool when we’re all fat? The fat kid is never cool. That’s one thing a lifetime of appearing in bad movies and sitcoms has taught me. Sure you might get to make out with the occasional hot drunk chick in the end or smirk at Chad the bully when he crashes his hot rod or falls in the mud but cool? No. No way. Vern Tessio was never cool. You don’t even know who that is do you? That was the name of the fat kid from Stand By Me!

See. Not cool.

But worry not my beefy patriots. The unfathomable wealth I obtained from playing coked up cans hound Joe Francis Derrick Jones in Piranha 3D last year has given me a lot of free time. And I decided to spend some of it researching ways in which fat Americans can still be cool.

Become a chef.

In the world of culinary arts fat equals experience. People look at a fat chef and think Hmm, he must know what he’s doing. Look at the size of him. Get yourself some funky glasses and a few tattoos and you could be the next Graham Elliot.

Become a Gangster Rapper.

Some of the coolest guys in the rap business are also the fattest.

There’s Big Pun.

Fat Joe.

Notorious B.I.G.

And let’s not forget Heavy D.

And the best part about being a fat rapper is that you don’t even have to worry about the long term effects of your obesity because you’re probably just going to get shotanyways. So all you need to do is brush up on your rhymes, choose a name that lets people no your fat and hit the buffet.

Become a wrestler.

In the world of professional wrestling there are two types of wrestler. Big oiled up muscle hunks.

And human oddities.

(Try to guess which is which.)

And you don’t even have to be that freaky to be a wrestler. Hell the Earthquake was just a fat guy in a unitard.

All you really need is a gimmick. And it doesn’t even need to be a clever gimmick. Jake the Snake Roberts just had a snake.

Oh and you ladies out there, don’t think you can’t get in on this too. Women in wrestling are becoming more and more popular. Just choose a persona and get to body slamming. Here I’ll even help you out. From the deepest dankest shag carpeted trailer in Florida comes…

TheMiss Real America!

Her finishing move could be to pick up her scrawny, emasculated husband/manger and hit her opponent with him. Or better yet she could use one of her kids.

Become a biker.

Bikers have always been synonymous with cool. Think Sonny Barger or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider.

And one of the best parts about being a biker is that you’re an outlaw, a social misfit. That’s right, you can be as hairy or as dirty or, yes, even as fat as you like.

Try telling these guys to do the truffle shuffle.

And before McDonald’s insured America that a 1,000 calorie lunch is only a short breathless shuffle in any direction to the nearest corner the only way to truly top up your grease traps was to hit the open road.

You could be sitting in a McDinning room right now. Leaning over a 20 piece nuggets and hoping that the aroma of sweet and sour sauce can overpower the acrid stench of pee wafting from the play room ball pitlong enough for you to choke them down. Or you could be out on the open road, perched atop a Harley.Your old lady wraps her arms around your biker gut and squeezes tight and you belch and re-chew a mouthful of chili and heavenly hot dog meat.

Now that’s America.

Oops, you caught me doing a little research for Stand By Me 2.

Well that’s ok. I’m not ashamed of being known as the fat kid from Stand By Me. At least it keeps people from remembering My Secret Identity.