Dating Maze #347: Stuck in the Dating Desert

With no match in sight, I'm building resentment.

I’m at my wits end. I have been dating for many years, and I still haven't found my soul mate. (Or maybe I did, but he didn't think I was his.) Either way, I'm still single and very unhappy about it.

I've tried everything. I moved to New York. I got a makeover and take really good care of my looks and my health. I have joined several Jewish Internet dating services and have met with matchmakers. I've looked at my character traits and I have been working to improve those that need strengthening.

My therapist says that as long as I'm doing the right things, that should console me. I think that's crazy. Every time I do something positive, I go to bed feeling even worse. I live a productive life – I have a good job and my colleagues and students like me – but that doesn't stop me from thinking about this… all the time.

I find myself hating engaged people and newlyweds. I avoid them whenever possible. I don't have the strength to wish them mazel tov, and I've probably hurt many people's feelings because of this.

My friends say I should "get back on the horse" and go back on the Internet sites, but I think it’s a waste of time and money. I have no hope. And I don't like what I've become. I pray to God to help me find the right person, but I can't bear it any more. I don't know what else to do. Help!

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Your letter really touched us. Unfortunately, this is an issue that affects many. It is so difficult to want to get married but have this major life goal elude you time and time again. We understand your pain and how you face the challenge of trying to live a full life while carrying heavy feelings of hurt, anger and loss.

Sadness, hopelessness, emptiness and a sense of loss feel are normal, common reactions to years of frustration and disappointment. Because these feelings are pretty much universal, it means that we're hard-wired to react this way and there's nothing "wrong" about having them.

You’re stuck in the "guilt cycle" and the "bitterness cycle."

Your problem isn't that you have these feelings, but that they consume your every waking moment. This creates two vicious cycles. One is what we'll call the "guilt cycle." You believe you shouldn't have these feelings, and indeed other people are telling to be happy that you're doing the "right" things and have a full life. You start to feel guilty about having these feelings, which only intensifies your level of distress, and starts you feeling guilty all over again.

The other is a "bitterness cycle." You don't know what to do with these feelings of hurt and anger, and you spend a lot of time ruminating about them. They fester and lead you to feel bitter and resentful, and these become so overwhelming that there's no room for you to feel happy for yourself or for other people. Then you turn that anger inward at yourself, for not being able to share in others’ joy and for hurting the feelings of those you care about.

Breaking the Guilt Cycle

Let's try to look at ways to break these cycles. We'll start with guilt. It's extremely unpleasant to feel as though you're always enveloped in a cloud of negative feelings. You may instinctively try to suppress these emotions, but they keep coming back with a vengeance and keep you from moving forward. Then you get angry at yourself for not succeeding at pushing them away, and the guilt sets in.

We'd like to suggest a different approach. It begins by giving your negative feelings a “voice,” instead of trying to suppress them. Try writing them down to give them a concrete form. Include your feeling that it isn't fair for you to have worked so hard on growing and becoming more "marriageable," yet it still hasn't happened for you. When you've finished writing the list, write down what different events in your life led to your having these particular feelings.

The next step is to understand what occurs when you experience these same negative feelings. Something you do or experience triggers one of those feelings, and suddenly you're on auto-pilot. The intensity of the original hurts come flooding back. Your feelings may be out of proportion to what's just happened, because it isn't the new trigger that consumes you, but the original emotions that made an imprint on your soul.

Understanding this process can help you feel less guilty about having these feelings, and can help you take the step of finding a place to put them so that you don't carry them around all day long.

Instead of letting these feelings run freely through your mind, use a technique called "compartmentalization" to keep them from intruding on your daily living. You can tell yourself: I’m entitled to have these negative feelings, but will only allow myself to experience them, or relive the difficult memories and thoughts associated with them, for a specific half hour period each day.

If these thoughts come through at another time, push them aside until the designated time. With a small amount of perseverance, most people are able to train themselves to do this, so that they spend most of their day in a healthier frame of mind, with a marked reduction in this free-floating anxiety.

Breaking the Bitterness Cycle

When we can't find a way to deal with feelings such as betrayal, anger and disappointment, we allow them to fester and take on a life of their own. We become bitter about our own situation and resentful of people who have something we don't have. Most people who carry this bitterness around don't like feeling this way and wish they could let it go. They may try to hide it, but frequently other people can sense it from their tone of voice, nuances and body language. They'll often go to great lengths to avoid triggering these unpleasant feelings, which is what you do by avoiding wedding celebrations.

It's easy for someone who's not crippled by bitter feelings to encourage someone to change their way of thinking. That's why your friends insist that you should "get back on the horse" and your therapist tells you to be encouraged by everything you do that's "right." The true secret to overcoming bitterness lies within yourself – to find tools that will help you reframe your situation and look at your life from a better perspective. It's a tremendous challenge, but people rise to it every day.

We know of a high school student who woke up one morning and couldn't move her legs. Her parents and doctors were baffled, and spent weeks doing tests before concluding that she had a rare autoimmune disease they didn't know how to reverse. This beautiful 16-year-old, who had dreamed of a career as a dancer, instantly lost her self-image and plans for the future. She had to watch as her identical twin sister, other siblings and friends continued with their lives and had the freedom to achieve the dreams she could no longer even hope for.

She chose to focus on what she had instead of what she lost.

She felt all of the negative emotions you can imagine. She could have chosen to lock in her anger and disappointment, avoid those friends who could run and dance, and give up hope of ever having a happy life. If you were her friend, what would you encourage her to do? Probably what she eventually decided to do for herself – to focus on what she had instead of what she lost. She is now in university, keeps up a busy social life, has found a new creative outlet, and has new dreams for her future. Even though she accepts her present situation, she and her family continue researching treatment options, going for physical therapy, and hoping that medical advances will enable her to walk again.

Can you become your own friend, and encourage yourself to reframe how you look at your own life? Can you look at the tremendous personal growth you've achieved – not as a way to get married, but as something that made you a better human being? Are you able to identify what's satisfying about your friendships, your job, the way you connect with your colleagues and your students? Can you see how your lifestyle changes have improved your quality of life and health?

There's another exercise that can further help you see your life from a positive perspective. It involves doing the opposite of what we suggested you do with your anger. This time, make a list of the events in your life that enabled you to feel happy, accomplished, hopeful or good about yourself. Write down all the positive feelings you experienced at the time of each event. Then think of experiences in the present that trigger those positive feelings. What else can you do to trigger similar good feelings? Try to incorporate some of them into your everyday living.

More Tools

1) Live Each Day to the Fullest – We know that following these suggestions requires a lot of hard work and perseverance. We have additional suggestions to compliment your efforts. The first is that while you're working on minimizing negative feelings and changing your frame of reference, it will also help to focus on living one day at a time. You get up in the morning, get dressed, pray, exercise, eat, interact with people, work, and do something enjoyable. Isn't living your day to the fullest, trying to enrich your life and the lives of others, much more rewarding than viewing every action as a mechanism to help achieve your goal of marriage – and then being disappointed and angry that it doesn't?

2) Practice the Art of Appreciation –When we're caught up in our feelings of disappointment, it's almost impossible to look at life from a more positive perspective. But we can train ourselves to do that by finding things to appreciate and expressing that appreciation. You can start by finding two things to appreciate about yourself or your life every day, and two things to appreciate about one other person. Verbalize that appreciation – to yourself, and to the other person. Try this for a month, showing appreciation to yourself and to a different friend, colleague, or student, each day. It will seem a little forced at first, but over time, you can change your mindset so that feeling and showing appreciation becomes second nature.

3) Take a Dating Vacation – Since you've given up hope that continuing to date will never yield any positive results, you should not be dating right now. Your hopeless feelings will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. It won't matter if you move to a different city, get a makeover, or get set up with a dozen people – when you're burnt out, you're not in the right place emotionally to connect to anyone, and your dating partner will pick up on your negativity.

We think you should start dating again only after you've been able to address your anger, guilt, and bitterness. Since you're on a "dating vacation," use it to your advantage. Do more than take a break from dating – all that will do is give you a temporary respite from the frustration and disappointment you feel when you go out.

Decide how long you want your break to be – two or three months works for most people. During that time, try to enjoy yourself as much as possible. Pamper and nurture your body as well as your soul. Take a week or two off from work to travel to an exciting location you always wanted to visit; spend a day or two at a spa with a friend; or host a Saturday night game night. Treat yourself activities you love but don't get to do often – a concert, dinner at a restaurant you want to try, a museum exhibit. Include some enjoyable physical activity – do you like hiking, skiing, skating, swimming, or zumba dancing? Do it! Brainstorm with friends how to turn the next few Sundays into fundays. Tap into your creativity – music, art, dance, drama, cooking, flower arranging, pottery, woodworking, even creating video games. Explore any form of creative expression that you think you will enjoy.

Try to focus on the moment – where you are, what you're doing, how you feel. Don't let yourself think about how this activity fits into the overall scheme of your life, and by all means don't feel guilty about indulging yourself. This is a necessary part of the process to heal your soul, to teach you that nurturing yourself starts with you.

When you're ready to return to the dating scene, we think you'll feel more relaxed and refreshed than you've felt in a long time.

Continue the Momentum – When your break is over, it's important to make time for yourself every week. It can be continuing the creative activity you began, having a regular exercise routine, or enjoying a weekly pampering session. You have to keep taking care of you.

At the same time, if you have become someone who postpones many life experiences because you're waiting to share them with a partner, work on changing this mindset. Missing out on them only compounds the sadness you feel about the way your life has developed. Enjoy those experiences now. Go parasailing, buy fancy china, entertain guests in your home, plan the cruise you've longed to take, or buy a condominium. Don’t worry – when you have someone in your life, you'll think of additional experiences to share with him.

Give to Others – You wrote about praying to God and working to strengthen your inner qualities, which shows that you value spiritual growth. You letter didn't mention whether you take time out to do charitable activities You don't have to be in a relationship to tap into your desire to give. If you haven't made this a part of your life, think about a way you can become more giving to others. Join a mentoring program, become part of a project at your synagogue, or find ways to volunteer your talents.

We can't assure you that if you follow our suggestions, you'll meet a good man and get married. Yet we know a number of people who did not give up hope (even though they struggled with the same feelings you have) and were fortunate to later marry happily, and we certainly hope that will happen to you, too. When that will happen is not in your hands, but you do have the ability to improve the quality of your life right now. We hope that our suggestions help you do just that.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 29

(25)
Anonymous,
April 19, 2012 2:07 PM

Too True

It is a miracle that anyone meets and gets married today. I feel for her as I am in the same boat. But if I don;t nd up marrying (atlast for companionship) then its the Jewish community's fault. I did all I could, but where were they to pitch in and help in addition to all the events I attended and tzdakah I gave?

(24)
Gary Tolchinsky,
January 4, 2012 6:15 AM

Compassion...

One thing I've tried to do in dealing with this problem is to find some sense of compassion for myself
for the difficulties of the whole "process". Yes, maybe
I could pray more, do more, seek advice more, etc. and
it's all good and helpful. But there's a part of me that feels it may be most important to truly validate my pain and accept it before anything else. So maybe the thing that I have to work on the most is this sense of inner compassion, which I'm sure I'll need if/when I meet my soulmate. Finally, I wrote an article on this cite,
"Four Questions to Dating Freedom" which may be
helpful. Good luck!......Gary

(23)
TB,
December 30, 2011 7:32 PM

I feel this way too!

I could have written this column nearly word for word!
I am so tired of the advice, generally unsolicited and from folks that were never in this circumstance. Married folks often don't understand. Especially the older folks that were able to marry young in a different era, and think I should haven't difficulties either. They just don't get it.
Everyone wants to talk and be armchair relationship expert, but bottom line, no one knows a available Jewish man age compatible (late thirties) that actually wants to date. I'm too disappointed, Hashem knows I've done everything I can.
Thank you Michelle for putting my situation and feelings into words, I'm sharing your column with folks that keep talking, but don't know any actual interested men. This has given me some comfort.

(22)
Anonymous,
December 30, 2011 5:22 AM

Michelle deserves a mate

Shalom Michelle,
Thanks for telling me about your article. It was interesting to read the replies.Since I've known you for 20 years I think I can say that you are one of the most dedicated to getting married of all of the women that we've known.You have really worked at it,and I'm sad that you are so miserable now.
I do think it's important that people understand that you are not a sad,bitter 20,30 or even 40 something.Just like you I had never imagined that I would be alone into may fifties,but in my case sickness and illness took me out of the game and the 12 years that I took care of my mother was really when I became out of sight,out of mind.
You on the other hand are still in the game and just need to take a break.You are adventurous!Maybe an away Shabbat or Passover somewhere exotic would be up your alley!I see them advertise all the time!I could see you somewhere warm,which would allow you to be the warm person that you are!
Remember change your place,change your mazal! When you come back to Israel for a Yom Tov,make it a dating holiday!You could meet Israeli's and have a wonderful time!
Will talk to you soon!

(21)
L.S.,
December 28, 2011 3:45 PM

Hatzlacha Michelle

Michelle--I pray that you find your bashert in the very near future. After reading through all the comments and your responses, it sounds like you have been dating for a very long time now and that you have made a big effort to finding the right guy. I truly believe that every person has a soulmate--hang in there! NYC is a tough place sometimes. I live in New York by the way--maybe you are not looking in the right places? Perhaps Aish can get us in touch with each other and I can give some suggestions about where to go in NYC. Also--try professional conferences, singles' vacations, political events, AIPAC trips in D.C., and other venues. Best of luck!

(20)
Travis,
December 22, 2011 9:54 PM

There are a lot more of us in your shoes than you think...

It's amazing how many times I see and hear those of us who are good people, and our friends tell us all the time that they don't know why we were single. To which I reply: "If I knew that, I wouldn't be single...". It's hard to gladly wish someone happiness when it's something we lack, and something we desperately want. There's no logical reason for it in Earthly terms; so the only thing that I can even remotely come to grips with is, that it must be the part of G-d's plan that I wasn't made aware of yet.
Yeah, it frustrates me to no end. I've wanted a family and to be a father ever since I was 15...if you can believe that. Yeah I know that's young; and that decision has never wavered, and I'm almost 40 now....no children, and I've never been married.
So I have to think, there's nothing wrong with us, it's the rest of the world that's crazy.

(19)
Rivky,
December 8, 2011 1:42 AM

Really amazing!

Michelle, i really admire and respect your honesty in this struggle your facing. Reading the comments brought tears to my eyes... bec IYH IT REALLY WILL HAPPEN for you! And im sure its so easy to just feel so discouraged and down and feel like giving up and losing hope... but dont do it!! You have all these comments, (and the ppl who didnt write) backing you up and cheering you on in this struggle- that will IYH end very soon when you meet the right one! amen!

(18)
Chaya,
December 4, 2011 5:52 PM

Dear Michelle,

As many people said before, you're not alone!!! I dated over 100 guys!!!! (tons of bad dates!!!) I was so down and hopeless... i could not grasp how Hashem could deprive me of such Torahdik needs. I also didnt enjoy being around married people, i had to ask my friends to stop telling me about other people's simchas cause that made me feel so much worse.
But... I got married to a GREAT guy!!! My husband is just wonderful, very normal, smart, attractive, funny... my life changed... and Im expecting my first!!!! It happened when i was at my lowest point... and through this first yr of marriage i learned that so many married couples have so many challenges... some are unhappy, some get divorced, some are infertile... i see that everyone has challenges that are very painful, but singlehood is a challenge that everyone can see (vs unhappy marriage). I am- in a way- glad I dont have to endure those challenges and although i dont know, i feel the hardest challenges are behind me and easy times await me. PLEASE try (as much as you can) not to loose your relationship with Hashem. I became so bitter and disconnected that when Hashem finally gave me my husband i didnt know how to reconnect with Him. The day of my wedding i cried because i wished i felt as close to Hashem as i had felt 3 years before. But i was so hurt that it was very hard for me to come back to Him. Looking back i wish i wouldnt have given up on our relationship as much as i did.

(17)
Nancy Jean Valla,
December 4, 2011 2:56 AM

Have I got a guy for you!

When my husband and I went on a vacation to the western part of the U.S, we met an Israeli fellow who would love to meet "the one." His email address is
mukyn@bezeqint.net Good luck, tell him Nechamah sent you. He's a nice person.

michelle,
December 4, 2011 8:46 PM

Thank you

Dear Nechamah,
Thank you for your support. One question: How old is he?

(16)
Been There,
December 4, 2011 1:16 AM

Don't deny her feelings

Michelle, I doubt you actually hate newlyweds/betrotheds and I'm guessing that your sadness for yourself trumps your sincere joy for others and makes celebrations painful.
I see singlehood like a fast: inspiring when short, spirit-crushing when long, especially when one has traditional values and actually fasts rather than sneaks, umm, uhh, forbidden snacks like everybody else.
And please, folks! Stop cruelly salting her wounds by contrasting her situation with those who have it worse. It's emotionally normal, healthy and even primal for women, like our foremothers, to crave motherhood and marriage. Save your hocking for Chevy drivers jealous of others' Cadillacs.
Michelle, you're not crazy unless you continue seeing that feckless therapist or any other nudnik who thinks "doing the right thing" (or hobbies, travel, exercise, 'giving,' etc.) should console you.
Sure, you have to keep a stiff upper lip and keep on doing the right things, but you don't have to fake positivity - embrace your negativity without losing your optimism that you'll soon experience tears of joy.

(15)
Anonymous,
December 2, 2011 3:18 AM

Let yourself be

Just try to find ways to encourage yourself and do things you like. It's soooo hard and i was also so pre-occupied with just finding the right person. Keep yourself together, as you are doing, don't force yourself to go to weddings and engagements... you are in a hard place but the more you focus on just living and growing.. distracting yourself.. the better it will be.. because when you do meet the right person and hang in there because iIT WILL HAPPEN... you will be your likable self..just hang in there and keep chugging ... you are gonna look great in your wedding dress!!

(14)
Michy,
December 2, 2011 2:09 AM

Our friends need our support

All of the comments below are valid. So are the points addressed in the article. I think where many people get stuck is feeling so out of control. They’ve done all the right things, had the positive attitude, traveled, volunteered, kept up with their appearances and studies, and yet, still the bashert is nowhere to be found. Unlike a career, which we’ve also spent years honing and preparing for, a spouse cannot be forced into appearance. Thank God I gave my now-husband a second chance. I feel the pain of my friends who are now 40 and still looking. Yes, some are overly picky, and some are awkward, but they deserve love too. For the most part, there is no reason at all why I found my bashert and they are still looking. We all need to keep looking out for our friends and acquaintances and not judge them. I pray I will meet someone for my friends, just like my friend introduced me to my husband (her cousin).

(13)
Man,
December 1, 2011 11:59 PM

I will daven for you

Please post your name and your mother's and I will daven for you.

michelle,
December 4, 2011 1:22 AM

thanks

Shoshana-Dvora bat Sara

(12)
David,
December 1, 2011 4:16 PM

Sorry its tough

It is very sad that your having a very tough time. Many people who are in the shidduch process are suffering, and it could be a more global cultural thing in Judasim. I went though a similar peroid for 5 years, either rejecting, or being rejected, after the first date. It was all becuase I was looking for the wrong kind of girl. I thought I wanted a certain type, and after taking advice from my friend/chevruta who is now a rav, I was able to do more histadluit. I was trying to only date in my city too, and that was really limiting my options. It eneded up being the oddest cirumstances for which I ultmatly met my wife. Defenatly try taking a break, and just focus on being happy with where you are in life first, then try the dating feild again, but with a very open mind. Look for every reason possible to say yes, becuase on paper people look very different then in person. I really wanted to say no to my wife's resume, but out of respect for the rebbentzen who suggested the shidduch, I did not, and becuase of that I got married. I am forever in her and the Rav's debt for helping me realise that you have to find every reason to say yes, and live life in a more positive way. I very much hope you find what your looking for in NYC, and dont give up, thats how the yetzeh hara wins.

Michelle,
December 2, 2011 6:22 PM

thank you

I appreciate your support. Yes, I know that part of my problem is that I have certain requirements, but I NEVER said he has to be in NYC! Anyplace with some Jewish community is fine!

(11)
Tabby,
November 30, 2011 7:07 PM

To single and frustrated

Be a good wife now, without the husband. How you are living your life now, a man will examine if he wants to join. Going out on alot of dates with variety of men, doesn't look good as someone who would make a good faithful wife. Do what you enjoy spending your time doing as far as hobbies, what you like, don't coy up things that you don't like, just to attract a man. Being YOU, will find your soul mate, being other than you, will find someone you are not compatible with. Spend time with children, taking them to the zoo, museums, parks, out to eat etc, if you want to be a mother someday. Start doing a good deed by babysitting for someone you know. It will give you mommy tips for the future, and will be examine by the opposite sex as a possible future marriage partner to build a life together as a family. Learn to cook. The old saying, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach has a root to it. He is looking for a woman that won't starve him, that cares about his basic needs. Now is the time, being single, to build the skills to be an extraordinary woman, some man is examining you to see if you will be an extraordinary wife for him. Be yourself now, working on the skills for your future position as wife, mother, and help-mate.

Anonymous,
December 2, 2011 6:25 PM

thanks

Thanks for your comments. Beleive me, I've done much of what you suggest. I know how to cook. I go to activities I would enjoy ( like Shabbat dinners or concerts), and not to activities I don't like ( like baseball games). As for kids, I'm past that age. But I'd love to be a stepmonm!

(10)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2011 4:32 PM

universal

wow. that was really beautiful.
and i think the advice is quite universal-for any and all other issues...

(9)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2011 2:20 PM

You CAN find the one by being the one

Hi Michelle,
I totally feel for you! I wrote a book called Meet to Marry and I coach singles like yourself and the key here is to have a personal breakthrough! You are traveling your own unique journey as do we all. I met my husband after 35 when I realized that I was the source of my own dating woes--I had a blind spot I was unaware of! Once I uncovered the blind spot and realized...wow, it's me, I was able to love myself and begin the wonderful journey of dating for marriage. I disagree that "doing" enough of the right things will lead you to love. What will lead you to love is
"being" the one. You can't hide resentment, frustration and anger. When you say "I hate being around engaged people" or "I have no hope" -- you are sabotaging your dreams. You need to get into reality and have a dating reset. You have a unique journey that has taken you to this place and time. You cannot compare yourself to anyone else and their road--you are UNIQUE--embrace that fact. It's great to move to another city, put on makeup and look great--the truth is that wherever u go, there u are. I suggest that u start over and now is the perfect time. 1) Get real and begin to love yourself as you would like to be loved. You are telling yourself something from the past that is keeping you from finding love. Blind spots are always hidden from our view. If you want to get married and you hate dating and harbor anger and resentment u can repel that which you want so much. 2) Create your marriage vision. Think about the kind of person you would like to meet, how u want to feel in a relationship--your emotional needs and what u have to offer in a marriage. Are u warm, kind, loving and generous? If so, when you date, u need to BE that authentically! 3) Leave pack mentality thinking and know that you can date for marriage, love yourself and dating! I did it and so did the people I have coached. I'd be happy to help you make it happen. contact me bari@meettomarry.com

(8)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2011 12:58 PM

dating

it breaks my heart to read this. my niece is in this situation, surrounded by siblings and cousins and freinds who have married and have children and relationships. i do not know if what you wrote is a consolation. we have all counseled her to do just what you wrote. I do not know if this is a comfort but it's important for all of us to be sensitive to the feelings of others in this situation.

(7)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2011 4:30 AM

I relate

Thank you for sharing this article. Michelle, I have been for a long time and share your feelings too! I feel your pain because I experience it too. I don't think people realize how truly difficult it is to want to get married so badly and fall in love , and start a family, and despite trying this and that, and every imaginable advice, it still doesn't happen how truly frustrating,maddening, and lonely this can be. However, know that you are not alone and that there are many many women and men who are experiencing the same frustrations. The key is to NEVER give up hope. Know that you will meet your beshert in time, and sooner versus later. Gd doesn't intend for you to be alone, Gd has a beshert out there for you who is searching too and it's only a matter of time that you will meet him. There are TONS of single men out there, even though it may seem that they are far and few in between. One of them will come along your path and will be right for you. You will appreciate love much more because of the time you've been single and will be better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship. There are countless women who went through the same feelings who went on to meet their besherts. Know that this will happen, think positively, and Gd will bring this guy into your life. I would continue with match making and online dating, as there are always new people who are added to the 'dating market' all the time and it only takes one!

(6)
Scott Marino,
November 29, 2011 9:52 PM

Join the Gym.

Hate to say it, but I lost 30lbs and am down to 7% Body fat. When people ask me how I got into this ridiculous shape I answer "Anger, Biterness, and Depression". USE it for the good! It is fuel to the power. Once your body gets to 100% your mind will as well. Healthy Body --> Healthy Mind ---> Healthy Neshama IN THAT ORDER! The Greeks had it partially right! Thank you Maimonides for adding the next part!!!! You can't be 100% without all 3. Even Rav AY Kook agreed!

(5)
Anonymous,
November 29, 2011 8:12 PM

More advice.

Excellent advice. I loved Rosie & Sherry's advice. I would like to add -- Perhaps you should stop looking so hard, love comes when we least expect it and most times when it's the furthest thing from our minds. Stay positive and keep your self esteem high - it will attract the right people to you.

(4)
Tammy,
November 29, 2011 7:53 PM

Single

I don't know if this will help or not but when I finally stopped wanting to get married and stopped making it the center of my life was when I finally met someone and wound up getting married. People can sense it for some reason if you are desperate and from my own experience they run away from you as far as they can possibly get if they do sense it. You really need to like and enjoy yourself and just being with you and come to the spot where you are comfortable with the knowledge that that may never change. You take yourself with you where ever you go anyway so you may as well enjoy it in the mean time. This may be hard to accomplish but I am living walking proof that it can be done.

(3)
Anonymous,
November 29, 2011 12:42 PM

one needs to make best efforts to grow in a positive way in all situations but the challenge is often huge

With so many unhappy marriages I'm not at all certain that many folks are not better off single. That doesn't take away from the pain this person feels and your advice make sense to me..I think in Orthodox circles it's particularly difficult. In the bible being single was basically unhread of and being childless was thought of as a great tragedy. In more traditional societies that is still the case.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2011 8:19 PM

I know where youre coming from

Michelle, I am also single and I know exactly what you are going through, I was really down about it, but I will tell you some of the things that helped me become positive. Rosie and Sherry mentioned appreciation, so I would like to reiterate. We must CONSTANTLY give hacarat hatov (gratitude) to hashem and thank him for every good thing we have. While we all go through life with having certain expectations, the truth is that everything we have is a gift. I recommend reading the book 'Garden of Gratitude' by Rav Shalom Arush. Second, I would recommend getting involved in some type of activity. It could be joining a gym, volunteering somewhere, or signing up for a class. It will help you feel good about yourself. Remember, when you meet your basheret, he is going to fall in love with the positive you

(1)
Anonymous,
November 27, 2011 12:11 PM

Good suggestions - with caveats

The suggestions contained in this column were all very good. Though I don't doubt for a moment both Rosie and Sherry empathize greatly with the young lady, I personally found the words "We understand your pain" to ring hollow. Otherwise, a good and wise column overall.

I’ve heard the argument made that Jews should not buy German products, for example Volkswagen cars which used Jewish slave labor during the war. It is wrong for Jews to support German industries?

My cousin says we should just forgive and forget. I would like your thoughts on the subject.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The great rabbi known as the Chazon Ish once said that if a Torah scroll was found burning, and a man used it to light his cigarette, there is no Jewish law that forbids it. Nevertheless, doing so would show a lack of sensitivity. So too, Jewish law does not forbid purchasing a German car.

Regarding the "demand for forgiveness," people often quote the Bible that when one is struck, it is proper to "turn the other cheek" and allow that cheek to be struck as well. But that only appears in the Christian Bible. Jews believe in fighting actively against evil.

Almost all people are inherently good and so we should forgive their lapses. But some people are truly evil – for example, Amalek, the ancient nation which wantonly attacked the Jews leaving Egypt.

Over two millennia ago when Haman (a descendant of Amalek) was commanded by the king to lead his enemy Mordechai through the streets of Shushan, Mordechai was too weak to climb on to the horse. Haman had to stoop to allow Mordechai to use his back as a stepping stool. In the process, Mordechai delivered a vicious kick to Haman which obviously startled him.

Turning to Mordechai in bewilderment, Haman asked: "Does it not say in your Bible, 'Do not rejoice at your enemy's downfall?'" Mordechai responded that indeed it does, but it refers only to people less evil than Haman. So too, we have no reason or allowance to forgive the Nazis and their helpers. Those who scraped the concrete in the gas chambers gasping for air can choose whether to forgive the Germans. We cannot.

In 1977, Egyptian President Anwar Sadat addressed the Knesset in Jerusalem. Sadat was the first Arab leader to officially visit Israel, after receiving an invitation from Menachem Begin. Sadat had orchestrated the Egyptian attack on Israel in the 1973 Yom Kippur War, but after suffering defeat became resigned to the existence of the State of Israel. Much of the Arab world was outraged by Sadat's visit and his change of strategy. One year later, Sadat and Begin signed the Camp David Peace Agreement, for which they received the Nobel Peace Prize. As part of the deal, Israel withdrew from the Sinai peninsula in phases, returning the entire area to Egypt by 1983.

There are many tasks, jobs, and chores that we will end up
doing whether we really enjoy doing them or not. Many hours of our lives are spent this way. The late Rabbi Chaim Friedlander, of Ponevehz Yeshivah, used to say, "If you are going to do it anyway, do it with joy."

Train a young lad according to his method, so that when he grows older he will not deviate from it (Proverbs 22:6).

He shall not deviate from it - the child will not deviate from the method with which he was taught. That method refers to the way we are taught to adapt to life's many hurdles, struggles, and tests.

Education consists of more than just imparting knowledge; it also means training and preparation in how to deal with life. Knowledge is certainly important, but is by no means the sum total of education.

"A person does not properly grasp a Torah principle unless he errs in it" (Gittin 43b). People usually do not really grasp anything unless they first do it wrong. In fact, the hard way is the way to learn. Children learn to walk by stumbling and picking themselves up; young people learn to adjust to life by stumbling and picking themselves up.

Parents and teachers have ample opportunities to serve as role models for their children and students, to demonstrate how to adapt to mistakes and failures. If we show our children and students only our successes, but conceal our failures from them, we deprive them of the most valuable learning opportunities.

We should not allow our egos to interfere with our roles as educators. Parents and teachers fulfill their obligations when they become role models for real life.

Today I shall...

try to share with others, especially with younger people, how I have overcome and survived my mistakes.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...