I visited him this evening, as planned, and…okay, remember in my last entry when I said that the only way I know when it’s time to break up with someone is when my stomach is in knots just from being around them? That’s begun to happen. He made me food and was being perfectly nice and everything but I just felt a million miles away. I didn’t feel like I could connect with him at all. And the longer I was there, the more I felt the weight of all the things I’m upset about pushing in between us and blocking me from even making small talk. It was frustrating because I’ve been way backed up for sex lately and had a feeling The Bunny might finally be open to it tonight, and was looking forward to breaking the fast. But now that I had him right there, I couldn’t make a move – I was feeling too shell-shocked from all the rude ways he’s rejected me lately. And he’s not one to blatantly make a move on me (or, god fucking forbid, actually use his words to say he wants sex) so there was a stalemate. Plus I was feeling so pissed at him that I may not have been able to fuck him even if he’d initiated.

Oh, and while he was cooking I came up behind him and petted his back and then lightly bit his shoulder, and he was all “NO!!! Not while I’m cooking.” Which is a thing with him, and I knew that – I’d just forgotten. I don’t hold it against him that he reacted that way, but it does kind of reinforce my gut feeling that I can’t ever hit on him lately without being made to feel bad about it. He hadn’t kissed me hello or particularly been touching me like he usually does, either, so it’s not like he was making his affection for me obvious and then we had this one little setback. I felt like there was a bit of a coldness to him already, and then I got yelled at for touching him.

While we ate, he asked if I was free on Friday. I said I was working that evening, why? The Bunny said there was a play party that night. These things usually start pretty late in the evening and I told him we could go after if he wanted, and he was like “Well, actually RopeGirl is planning on doing a scene with me – she’ll probably be beating on me a bit. But you can come watch.” I said in that case never mind (I don’t know enough people in the community to come without a date and make it into a social thing) and I felt a huge stab of envy right in the heart. I miss doing BDSM with The Bunny, and he’s not letting me do fucking anything lately. But this past weekend he was rope bunny to another woman, and now in a few days he’s having someone else beat him. WTF?!?

However, right after telling me he’d be scening with someone else, he invited me to come toy shopping with him on the Saturday. He wants to buy me a strap-on dick – apparently a model someone else has used with him that he really enjoyed. This, again, is a much more concrete amount of plan-making than I’m accustomed to from him, plus it tells me he’s still interested in having freaky sex with me (someday…) and is willing to invest money in it. So that’s something.

When we finished eating, The Bunny asked “So how may I entertain you this evening?”

I said “Well, maybe tonight I can hurt you a little bit.” I was feeling distant from him and couldn’t stand the thought of us having PIV sex, as much as I’ve been craving it – the idea made me feel too vulnerable. But it seemed to me that hurting him could be kind of cathartic for me and bring us closer together. And if he’d arranged to be beaten by RopeGirl in a few days, that would indicate that his aversion to sadomasochism is over now and he’s good to go, yes?

But he said he was feeling too full and didn’t want to get up to anything while he was digesting. Instead, he showed me some space-mission type video game he’s been into lately. I probably wouldn’t give much of a shit at the best of times, and this was certainly not the best of times. I could barely focus on what he was saying.

Finally, after he appeared to be done with the video game exposition, I was like “So, lately when I’ve tried to initiate sexytimes and you weren’t in the mood, you rebuffed me pretty harshly. And now I find I can’t bring myself to initiate at all because I’m afraid of being shot down. And I’ve realized that initiating is a big thing for me – I don’t just wanna be getting laid on a regular basis, I want to be deciding what I want and actively going after it. Sitting around passively hoping you’ll start something up just totally kills my buzz. So I don’t know what to do.”

The Bunny paused and then carefully said “I’m gonna go change the sheets so we can lie down and cuddle.” Which I thought was code for “let’s settle in and really hash this out, and I’ll give you hugs and reassurance while we talk,” but – get this – once the sheets were changed and we lay down, he didn’t say anything. It’s like he was planning on entirely ignoring what I’d said. And I know that men aren’t generally taught to communicate or express emotions, and I can be patient with that to a certain extent. But for him to not say anything? Even a straight-up “I have no idea how to handle this. What is it you’re wanting me to say right now?” would have been something.

Actually, The Bunny did make an effort of sorts: as soon as we got onto the bed, he put a fresh condom on the Hitachi, took his boxers off, and began idly stroking his dick and playfully slapping it into my thigh and stuff. He clearly meant this as a signal that he wasn’t averse to sexytimes and I could go ahead and initiate…today. But that doesn’t address the hurt I was feeling from all the times he shot me down or what the fuck we’re gonna do the next time I want sex and I can’t tell whether he does too.

I half-heartedly played with his genitals for a bit and tried to get myself in the mood, but couldn’t. The entire rest of the evening was pretty much spent either lethargically trying to arouse each other or with me trying to talk through some of the shit that’s been going through my head and him not contributing in any satisfactory way. At one point, I asked if I could use a toy on his ass (the one sexual thing I could think of that wouldn’t have made me feel either way too vulnerable or like I was a meat puppet he was using to get off); he said no, he felt like the food he’d just eaten was probably pushing things south and his ass might already be occupied. When I kissed him and started lightly biting, he immediately shook his head no. When I licked one of his nipples (a thing he has enjoyed in the past) he immediately shook his head no. At one point he was giving me a hand job and I asked him if he’d switch to his mouth instead, and he said some weird excuse about not wanting to be down there with his meat breath from just having had dinner. I’m pretty sure my genitals wouldn’t have been able to smell his breath, but whatever, he obviously didn’t want to so I wasn’t gonna push.

At one point he got the Hitachi and started stimulating his dick with it in various ways; when he put the vibrator on his belly and flopped his erection overtop, I petted the topside of his dick and was amused by how much it transmitted vibration. Which led to me mounting and humping The Bunny for a while. It was the most fun I had all night – it felt amazing for me and he started moaning, which caused my body to begin sluggishly rallying itself to an aroused state. I was feeling too emotionally distant to actually come from it, though, and didn’t want all that pressure and vibration to mess up The Bunny’s junk, so I stopped.

There was very little eye contact during any of this. Most of our physical interactions felt depressingly wooden, and I wish I knew whether it’s because The Bunny was picking up on my disgruntled vibe and made uneasy by it, or if he was feeling distant and weird for his own reasons. It seems entirely possible that The Bunny could fall out of “like” with me and not have the emotional wherewithal to realize this, let alone the balls to tell me it was over. I find myself wondering, now, how things ended with his last girlfriend. I suspect he just kept on cruising along, ignoring issues, until she snapped and moved out. I could of course be wrong.

For a while, I was petting him and I think even touching his penis and he decisively rolled over on his belly, resting his face in the crook of one arm. So much for giving him a hand job, then. I petted his back and arms and ass for a while, and when The Bunny eventually showed his face again, his expression seemed despondent and his eyes bloodshot. Probably most of this was a fluke of the way he was lying – gravity would have been pulling his mouth down a bit – but it intrigued me to imagine that The Bunny was aware of my hurt feelings and unresolved issues, and aware of how weird and awkward our attempts at canoodling were, and he felt so helpless to know how to fix it that he had to hide his face for a bit and have a silent cry. Or whatever passes for crying when a boy is as stoic as him.

Anyway, in between all this other shit, we were talking. Or I was. I dunno.

During one awkward lull in the sad crippled attempts at sexytimes, I told him that another thing that’s been on my mind is the sarcastic way he responds to compliments. I asked him if he can work on accepting them more gracefully. He started to say “I’m just not used to people complimenting me – ”

I interrupted him with “…and they stillwon’t if you make them feel stupid for it!” In retrospect I wish I’d let him talk. Expressing his feelings isn’t easy for him and maybe if I’d let him talk, he would’ve said something interesting. But the fact that he reacts with sarcasm because he’s not used to compliments is totally fucking obvious to me – it’s not new information. And I’ve been feeling so pissed off lately, like every fucking thing I say or do in this relationship gets me slapped down. I can’t express an interest in sex; I can’t tell The Bunny I think he’s hot; he sucks so much at talking about feelings that I feel like I have to pull back my own expressiveness just so I don’t overload him, or feel like I’m putting way more into this relationship than he is. So I snapped at him a little bit. And then I said “Sometimes it’s okay to just say ‘thank you’ and then go on with your life, you know,” to which he nodded. And I added “It’s not that I say nice things to you because I need you to say them back, or even because I’m expecting to get my ass kissed for it. I say things because I want to. But it almost feels like you’re trying to actively discourage compliments, and so sometimes I’ve been holding my thoughts in because I figure saying them will get me a bad reaction. And I hate it. It’s like I’m having to suppress my personality around you.” I don’t know if he understands any of that. Throughout most of the things I said tonight, I felt like he was looking at me like a baffled dog being given an unfamiliar command. It was like I was speaking a whole different language and he knew something was expected of him but didn’t know what.

During another lull:

“So, should I just not ever flirt with you via text? Because times that I tried to taunt you with the idea of stockings and that sort of thing, you’ve been pretty much smacking me down.”

“Well, that’s when I was at work -”

“One of the times wasn’t.”

“- And yeah, I guess I’m just never in that headspace at work so it’s probably best not to do the taunting thing.” He didn’t address the fact that he reacted badly on at least one occasion when he wasn’t at work. Nor did he tell me whether or not I should try that kind of shit when he’s not at work. I suppose I should’ve asked if he even likes that sort of banter; that might have been a better jumping-off point. Oh, also during this conversation I made a remark about never wanting to initiate wearing stockings again because of how badly he behaved last time I talked about doing so. He didn’t respond to this whatsoever. I was hoping for a “Nooo, I like when you initiate things, let’s talk about how to make a safe environment for you to do so” but alas, no.

During another lull:

“So I guess the only way we can really fix things is if you give me a heads up, when we see each other, if you don’t want to have sex. And then I’ll know not to make a move.”

“I’m not against having sex!” The Bunny protested, indicating his nakedness and half-erect penis.

“I don’t mean now, I mean in general. Because most of the time you don’t give me a heads up about this stuff, you just act kind of weird and passive and standoffish when I hit on you until finally I get the hint and give up. Or else you get sarcastic with me.”

“Like how?”

“Like I’ll touch you in the wrong place and you’ll go ‘can I help you?'” (and here I imitated his snotty tone and insolent expression).

“What am I doing when this happens, though? I do tend to focus pretty hard and dislike being interrupted, so if I was in the middle of something…”

“It was while we were lying around snuggling and watching NetFlix.”

He had nothing to say to that. The conversation trailed off.

During yet another lull:

“I think I’m feeling kind of jealous because you got tied up by that one chick and you’re gonna let RopeGirl beat you. I wanna do those things! I miss those things! But when we’re together, you never feel like it lately.”

“The woman on the weekend literally only used me as a test dummy for rope, you know. Nothing else happened at all.”

“No, I know. But the point is, she had access to an immobilized Bunny. She chose not to take advantage of it, but she still had what I’ve been missing and craving. How is it that you’re in the mood for BDSM-y stuff with other people and not me? Is it something about me, personally?”

“I don’t think so. I think if there’s an issue, it’s that I don’t get to be dominant these days, and I miss that.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, though. You’re not dominant with them, either. You’re bottoming to them. And not to me.”

“We’ll do things when I see you on Saturday for toy shopping.”

“Can you know you’ll be in the mood then, though? I mean I know it’s not always possible to predict these things ahead of time…”

“I’ll be in the mood. I’ll buy you a dick and we’ll have a swordfight. And I’ll let you win.” (Finally, a conversation with some kind of resolution!)

“I’ve been feeling super dominant lately, too, y’know. Just really wanting to beat the shit out of someone. And by some stupid stroke of bad luck, both potential boys I’ve been talking to aren’t into pain at all. I need a pain slut.”

“Put an ad up!”

“Ugh, I’m so tired of that. I can’t stand to weed through all the shitty replies. I can tell you right now that like 80% of them will be from dominant men who are like ‘Subbing and being hurt sounds good to me!’ and just completely not mentioning the fact that their profile says dominant. Half the remainder will be guys who call themselves switches but literally every kink listed on their profile is dominant-sounding. Most of the rest will be clueless dudes who are like ‘I wanna try kinky stuff!’ but obviously have no idea what they’re getting into. There’ll be one guy who sounds amazing but is approximately two thousand years old, a few guys who entirely ignore what I said I was looking for and have an agenda of their own, and maybe a couple of guys who seem like they might be compatible with me but their photos and conversation are so ‘meh’ that it’s hard to even get up the motivation to meet them. And zero responses from anyone compatible and attractive to me.”

“I’ll ask around. I’m sure someone knows a good pain-slut boy who’d like to play with you.”

“Oh – I should get back in touch with [name]. He expressed interest in me when I was in the middle of all my tax bullshit and I didn’t have time to explore anything then. I can’t even remember what kinks he lists on his profile, aside from sounding…”

The Bunny reached for his phone and summoned the dude’s profile so we could peruse it. Some of the things listed made me growl involuntarily. I am so fucking feral and hungry right now. Whoever finally lets me hurt him had better brace himself. I’m probably gonna reestablish contact with that guy.

Anyway, at around midnight – earlier than usual – The Bunny tactfully kicked me out. He of course acted like he was doing me a favour, not wanting me to be travelling too late, but it could just as easily have been that the awkwardness and distance between us was wearing on him as much as it was on me and he just really didn’t want me around anymore. I would be somewhat miffed if that were the case, since my feelings of distance are in fact his fault and when I tried to dispel them by talking things through, he barely contributed. I needed to feel validated, I needed an apology, I needed a plan for avoiding a repeat of our issues going forward, I wanted some insight into The Bunny’s thought processes…and I pretty much got none of that. But that means I continued feeling angry and distant, so I was pretty okay with leaving. The night obviously wasn’t gonna get any better.

The Bunny walked me to the bus stop and kissed me goodbye, and told me to text him when I got home so he’d know I arrived safely – something he doesn’t usually ask for. Perhaps it was his way of trying to show that he cares, even if he can’t give me any of the talking-related things I need.

If something doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna bail. I’m in the knots-in-my-tummy stage of things, which doesn’t bode well at all, but guys have managed to pull me back from that place before. And when I picture dumping The Bunny I still feel more sad than relieved. So I’m gonna wait just a little bit longer.

I’m reminded entirely too much of past relationships, though. Of the way my ex-husband would dodge my sexual advances in that same passive-aggressive way. Of the way Minx would shoot me down all the time but expect me to do all the initiating anyway. Of the way I had to carry more than my fair share of the relationship with The Pedant because he had no fucking idea at all how to talk about feelings.