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Am I not womanly? Weeeelll…

Tagged by Banno, a dear friend to whom I cannot say no, I have been asked to elucidate ten ways in which my behavior or desires is not generally reflective of my female gender. This is a much murkier area than it would have been, say, twenty years ago (at least here in Amrika) but it’s still a pretty easy list for me to make. I love being a woman, but I have often rebelled against what women are “supposed to do.” At dinner parties you will find me hanging out with the men and drinking beer, for instance, not helping in the kitchen.

1. I have no maternal instinct. This complete and utter lack of any wish to have a rug rat running around underfoot has also prevented me from getting married (men are like children, no?)…I can take care of myself, but that’s about it. I really don’t want to take care of anyone else. Gemma mostly keeps herself alive by reminding me vociferously to feed and walk her, but she would tell you that it’s not easy to get my attention.

2. I am fiercely independent. I might need your help but I will never ask for it, and much of the time won’t take it when it’s offered freely either. This is not a good or healthy thing, and I am working on it, but it’s still there. I do ask for directions when I’m lost, however. I’m independent, not stupid.

3. I refuse to cook and clean. I hate domestic chores. Hate them, will not do them. “Never do yourself what you can pay someone else to do for you” is my mantra for housekeeping and everything involved. I love my cleaning ladies, and would goon the pole if I had to in order to keep them. Cooking is out of the question: if it’s more work than removing a lid and sticking a spoon inside, I can’t be bothered. I will go out or have something delivered (or settle for a liquid dinner instead).

4. I have poor laundry habits. I will do laundry when I absolutely have to, but I will not sort whites from colors or any such nonsense like that. Cold water is your friend! I just bundle everything together, stuff it in the washer (and dryer) and cross my fingers.

5. I am tortured by shopping (except in India where you can sit and drink chai or something thanda while people wait on you hand and foot). Pretty much everything I need I get online. My groceries are delivered, Gemma’s food and toys and meds are delivered, and I will wear (am wearing, in fact) jeans with holes in them rather than shop for a new pair. Kill me if you must, but do not take me to a mall.

6. I drink like a fish. An entire bottle of wine in one evening is not unusual consumption for me. What can I say? I like to drink, and I can hold it, so I do. Although if I do have to go on the pole at some point, I’ll keep the cleaning ladies and give up the drink. I think.

7. I eat like a wolf. I always clean my plate, and I am always the first one done at the table. People say: “Oh honey, did you drop your food?” When I was in college I used to earn money by winning pancake-eating contests (against men) (men on the swim team). Picking delicately at a salad is not my thing.

8. I dislike fancy clothes. I want to be comfortable at all times. Do not put me in high heels or anything tight and certainly not anything revealing. Nobody needs to see it, and I don’t need to be that unhappy. I do not like to dress up (except in costumes, that’s different). I love my jewels and my tiaras and my eyeliner, but I’m wearing them with jeans and a t-shirt. I am not at all interested in shoes or handbags or matching anything.

9. I am generally content and easy to please. I don’t obsess over how I look or what people think of me (this is partly my age too). I don’t need to cut down other women in order to make myself feel better. I like who I am, flaws and all, and I’m happy on my own. I can go out to dinner or travel by myself, and I don’t need anyone to go to the bathroom with me (I don’t primp in there either, I’m out quicker than some men I know). If I want to I’ll take a nap no matter what kind of chores are beckoning. I’ll get to them when (if) I get to them, and not before. And it’s just fine with me if you do the same.

10. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. You never have to worry that you don’t know what I’m thinking. Believe me, I will tell you. I do edit a fair amount, but most people can’t tell and don’t give me nearly enough credit for it. My father says that I am not always right but I am always SURE. I say: being sure is half the battle!

I am old enough to remember a childhood where girls played with dolls and boys played sports and that was that…but it is a lot different now, and I’m glad. My mother (who is 80 now) remembers that when she was in college most girls were there to find a husband, and those who weren’t were studying to be either a teacher or a nurse. She was a bit of a rebel in that she didn’t marry until she was 30 (ancient!) :)

Totally agree that the idea that “femininity” is something that either exists or can be reliably inventoried is over – at the same time: the idea of such an idea still exerts some power, doesn’t it. Best way to relate to it I think is just like this — for fun. (only!)
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Match you on no babies, no cleaning, eat plenty, happy alone, and direct speech. Love to think about clothes, though, and, in unaddressed category, also quite comfortable with numbers/math/statistics etc, unless they are revealing that I am spending more than I have.

Yes, I don’t think about it that much. Don’t need to feel “feminine” or anything else. Of course I could have made an equal list of all the ways in which I am terribly “girly” too (math/numbers/statistics make my head ache), but that wasn’t the point of this particular exercise :)

You know the problem with me? I CANNOT read without getting involved. :) Except for the fact that I LOVE cooking (but my wife doesn’t let me) and that I gave up drinking before marriage, you are a soul brother. :) Now back to ignoring yours and Todd’s brand of poison. :) :)

Improvements have been made, but as someone who’s been to a few baby showers in the last few years, I was startled to discover the whole pink for girls/blue for boys thing is still entrenched. People didn’t know what kind of baby toys or accoutrements to buy if the baby’s gender wasn’t revealed. I’m like: it’s a baby. It doesn’t care if the blanket has princesses or footballs on it! What year is this, anyway?

Personally, I think everything you’ve said here proves you’re a FINE specimen of true womanliness. I’ve always thought if one is a woman, whatever one does is feminine. Obviously, society isn’t always on board with that, but that’s their problem. :)

Another thing in the list here could have been that I avoid any kind of shower (wedding/baby) like the PLAGUE. I just tell the person it’s for: “I’m sorry, I find these things unbearable. Here’s your gift and I wish you all the very best, but I’m not showing up.”

Love the paper doll. I had a couple of books when I was a kid. Not something usual, because they were ‘phoren’. Your list is awesome. There are a lot of things on the list I’m not, and admire. You are my coolest pal. :)

Ok, something weird. I dreamed of you last night. You were researching some coal mines here. I came to visit you. You had a horrible room overlooking the mines, with a wall missing. I almost fell. But you’d brightened up your room with paper dolls. :)

I am shocked to read this hate filled blog. This type of attitude is nothing but a big black spot on the women of America. If all women think like you, then the day is not far off when American society will be in ruins. Only because of this attitude among women, the divorce rate in US is over 50%. Women should be submissive and respect the man. They should cultivate womanly qualities like cooking, doing household chores and sacrifice their lives for the well being of their husbands and their children. I hope some sense is drilled into your mind and please read the Bible regularly. That will teach you all that a loving, Christian woman is supposed to know and hopefully you will behave accordingly.

I hope you are joking but if not the only hate-filled thing on this blog is your comment! The clear Christian thought that comes to my mind when I read this is: “Please God let him not have a wife or kids; if he does please rescue them!”

I think he IS a desi, Bible or not (he is either a “Christian” or thought that I would relate more to a Bible reference). His IP address is Germany, email address is India. Who knows, but it really doesn’t matter. Ignorance and misogyny are ignorance and misogyny no matter where or who it stems from :)

If he is a desi, then i agree with
tallawallah that he is living in a
time machine coz acc to latest stats
making headlines in all forums in India
is the 30% rise in divorce rate in India in the
decade between 2000-2010!

Anongoodman did it ever cross your mind that maybe the divorce rate is so high because of men like you? Respect is earned not given and what sacrifices are you making to the well being of your wife and children? Why is it that whenever someone wants to project their views on another they try to use religion to justify it as if that will end the discussion. Another anagram would be Man an God no.

I just finished reading through your list and had a good laugh. Besides, you sound like you are describing my younger son, except for points 6 and 7! On the other hand, what do I know about what he does when I am not there visiting? Do I need to know? Absolutely not! The less I know, the better off I am, but my husband disagrees on this (and on many others!). I am in complete agreement with your dad.

My mother once asked me not to tell her things I knew she wouldn’t want to know, unless I or one of my siblings was in real trouble. I think it makes good sense once you’ve instilled the best things you can in your kids’ heads :)

Hmm…this is SO refreshing!!!
You are my type of gal ;-). Or rather, I should say “person”, because we would get along great, regardless of gender.

Especially because of points 8, 9 and 10. I can see plenty of common ground on the other points too but 8,9 and 10 would clinch it for me. Especially 10.

It is all about feeling comfortable.

I tend to feel comfortable with casual, fun-loving, contented people who say what they mean and mean what they say.

I’ve had my share of misunderstandings with people in life – where I found myself having to constantly try to explain myself because whatever I said was taken out of context or my intentions were suspected. Or I was just not good enough for somebody else’s expectations of me. Or people were pretending to my face but bitching behind my back. All that nonsense!

I decided I did not need all this. So now I am down to very few people in my life. Like I said – casual, fun-loving, contented people whose minds I don’t need to second-guess all the time. :-)

Memsaab–I associate “Bollywood liking” with being a girl. Maybe its all those elaborate costumes on display and the oohing and aahing over them. That’s the girliest thing I’ve done–loving Bollywood. Completely in sync with you on 1 &2 and the baby shower thing.

Ah but plenty of men like it too!!! Well, in any case I have plenty of girly tendencies too. I love sparkly shiny things (like diamonds and Hindi films) :D Some day I will HAVE a Sheesh Mahal to call home!

Except for point one, we share the same traits too but there is method in my madness for not conforming on point one. I married a lovely, lovely man, nearly 17 years my senior, who loves kids and dogs and basically brought up all our kids by being a stay home dad whilst I went out to get my degrees and work.

Unlike you, I have no issues with maids walking out, no meals when I come home from work, no need to go shopping cos I am banned as he believes I waste money buying things we don’t need (see, another method to my madness) and don’t have to worry about laundry as he does it all!!!

I may not drink like a fish now (how I miss my youth) but I/we still enjoy our tipple. I used to be quite brash but being the boss in a PC world has dulled my tongue a bit as thyere are too many wimps out there who cannot take criticism. Such is live!

If this means you or I are not womanly, I believe we have a lot of sisters out there that share our trait, in one way or another. So,here’s to unwomenly women….cheers!!!

I am with Anarchivist – if one is a woman, everything one does is feminine or womanly!

“I dislike fancy clothes. I want to be comfortable at all times.” What about your fancy saree collection? Would you include them in “comfortable clothes” (I find sarees distinctly uncomfortable even when all I want to do is sit idle!)?

Oh, I love sarees precisely because they are so so comfortable once you get used to wearing them…and I mean the lovely cool cotton ones, or light silk. Not the heavy zari-encrusted ones, those are deadly. The “daily wear” ones you can wrap and tuck (as opposed to knife-edge pleating) and hoist up when you cross a puddle, those are so comfy.

True about sarees being comfortable once u get used to it. The only thing I have never found comfortable or even
tried is sleeping in a saree (the pleats must be going haywire when one truns in deep sleep is my theory) which millions of Indian women do everyday.
When I asked my mom, she said you would get used to it
if you didn’t have a choice (culturally) of sleeping in a nightgown!

You know, after reading this and other responses, as well as the comments on this thread (except for the Bible thumper above), I find myself wondering once more – what would have happened to us all if the internet did not exist?

Yes, they are still *everywhere*…narrow minds don’t really grow, so it’s hard for them to change. And sadly most of them do breed, and spawn a new generation of narrow minds to carry on. They are sort of entertaining though, as long as you don’t actually have to live with them.

Girlfriend, you and I could be twins! My sister and I joke that our apartment could just as easily be the domain of two 20-year old frat boys. Beer, paper plates, and the PS3 are the theme of our decorating!

Paper plates rule over everything. I do like proper glassware, but tend to break it :( (and I dislike video games, but that could just be old age)…(although I never liked Pac Man either—yes that was our version of gaming when I was a young lass).

Hahaha. I hate children (okay, if someone comes into a store with a baby I’ll act the same silly way I do with my dogs, but hell if you’ll ever get me to do more than make funny faces and noises), I like cooking (I make good sushi, apparently – according to my parents and sister), I don’t drink, I love food, and I like pretty clothes…

Over the years I have become more feminine (hell knows how that happened), but seriously SHOOT ME if I ever get anywhere close to being one of those typical women who live to shop and eat only salad.

I may have become a bit girly in some ways, but I’d still pick a pointless gory action flick to see on the big screen over some chick flick (who needs to see chicks crying on that big of screen??? SERIOUSLY, I DON’T GET IT. It’s a waste of the surround sound and large projector.)

I am rarely even tempted into making faces at children, although sometimes an irresistible one comes my way. Dogs, though…I have trouble passing them by without stopping to meet them. And I do love a good romantic comedy (not so fond of weeping) more than a gory action flick :) unless it’s Dharmendra or Dara Singh in action :D

Besides #1 I didn’t realise I was doing womanly things. I thought they were just necessary. :-D

-If I don’t cook I won’t get daal, roti and I can’t live on pizza. So cook I must and love it too. And Love eating.

-I like wearing clean comfortable clothes so laundry I do. Doesn’t take too long to start the machine, but ironing?? Never!!!
In hot weather like nowdays, I don’t find jeans comfortable, but cotton salwar kurta? Any time.

-shopping……. for groceries yes, but any other? Dislike. Never been inside a shopping centre (Mall?) for ages. Online is best.

-can’t drink much alcohol. Feel sick if I take more than a little. :-( (is that womanly?)

-Independence? hmmmm,…I do like helping others so they help me too. Its a give and take system.

So memsaab, do I qualify as one who you could get on well with on a chance meeting?
Remember, I could cook a delicious Indian meal for you.:-D

Anyone who loves Hindi films and will put up with me even with differences is okay with me :) Pacifist, we do get on well, so never have any doubts. And if you cook me a delicious Indian meal then I will owe you forever.

Interesting list. Well, I share most of those traits (though definitely not #6), but I guess it’s not a big deal since I am male. Though I am pretty sure that my own lack of desire ever to have children around me contributed to my own lack of a marriage.

I’ve also suffered for lacking some tendencies common to my own gender. For instance, I always hated sports (and still do, unless it’s a game of Kabaddi being played by Helen and Vyjayanthimala in 1956). This caused me a bit of hardship in my boyhood.

I did benefit for a while in some left-wing circles for not being like most [presumably sexist] men. But my luck in that area changed about 12 years ago when I was talking on a left-wing e-mail list about a movie I had seen about the Spanish Revolution/Civil War and I apparently overpraised the looks of the gun-toting mujeres libres. (My creds among feminists have only gone downhill since then.)

But I could easily go on similarly praising the looks of women in Bollywood movies – or perhaps I have already… That’s one reason I just can’t understand why loving Bollywood is considered more of a girl’s thing. And why is it considered a woman’s thing or a gay man’s thing to love dance when there are so many attractive women dancers?

I may have lost my feminist creds, but sometimes I am simply baffled trying to figure out why some likes or tendencies are considered either more manly or more womanly.

Awww. I am sad that we will not be able to hoist a few together :) But I don’t blame you! My Mom was always the sports fiend in my family. My dad could not tell a baseball team from a football team and didn’t care :) And I hope that the whole “man-woman” thing some day will go away ;)

Interesting points Richard. Viewing indian films does tend to evoke weird reactions among people not familiar with Indian movies. My anglo saxon neighbour (great guy) reaction (on my saying I am going to watch a hindi movie tonight) was “aren’t they all romantic ones with lotos of singing and dancing”? I was actually planning to watch c Rajneeti that evening! My reply was simple – Indian films cover a number of themes. This one is all about
politics!

Ignorance one can understand (we all are ignorant about something or the other). Prejudice, however, is more
difficult to tackle. My best friend here (another anglo
saxon for identification purposes) enjoys
watching good hollywood movies with me but has a
totally closed mind about Indian movies despite other aussies
liking some of them shown on the national TV channels here! I offered some really good hindi ones in my collection but nope neither she nor her husband (who is originally from East Europe) are simply not interested.

On another note, my polish neighbour (living in the apartment above) has suddenly developed an interest in hindi movies. don’t know who gave her some initial DVDs. She saw K3G and Mohabatein and has been hooked sine then. I have given her a few good ones in my collection like Parineeta, Paheli, Dor, Munnabhai movies, KHNH, Anand (telugu). She said she loved parineeta, paheli, couldn’t enjoy KHNH coz the subtitles were white against a white background and it was hard to read.

True but in this instance it is not the time
factor. Everything else about Indian history
(particularly the Raj days) & economy is
interesting tho! I am happy to discuss anything
under the sun ie where i have something
interesting (i hope) to contribute.

i am with u on pretty much everything. except i dont drink, just dont like it, and i do like to cook and cook good indian food and am learning to bake now. i do dust the house pretty regularly and keep it clean or try to anyway, since i have dust allergy. i am also on the way to making a minimalistic home now.

just thought i would express my opinion on #1. I live here in India, am in my 30s and very much single, which seems to be kind of abnormal here. I think it is due to the social setup.

I am still single cos I met too many frogs and no prince basically, and it has kind of put me off men in general. Every person who meets me, either my friends, collegues, or everybody and anybody, even people whom I do not really know, tend to question me on why i am single and no kids, and why it is impt. to get married etc. etc. i think it is because it is taken for granted here that women do have maternal instincts and we are doing a crime by not adding to the population.

i sometimes feel women here do not really have a choice or opportunity to think whether they want to get married or not. it is just accepted that u have to and not being married makes one abnormal or an outcast.

anyway, hopefully things are changing and i am perfectly fine with my life and have enough things to do. though i do have to put up with rant of other people who are more bothered about other’s lives.

as u said, people like anongoodman are entertaining as long as u dont have to live with them. LOL CLAP CLAP CLAP.

awesome blog. and i do hope to meet u sometime and cook u a good indian meal. i think we will be very good friends.

It might be worse in India, but it is still not *entirely* acceptable here either, although we childless women are growing in number! I have been accused of being selfish for NOT having children, which makes absolutely no sense at all.

I know several married couples who have chosen not to have children too. It’s such a crowded world already. The best thing to do I think is to keep an open mind about men (you might meet a good one someday who can be a wonderful companion, or you might not) and live your life as it pleases YOU without worrying about it :) If you make yourself happy, you will always BE happy. It’s good to take control of that!

and ps: will take you up on that good Indian meal!!! I love ghar ka khana! :D

And isn’t it great we can still enjoy each other’s opinions? :) Believe me, being told I am “different” is no less a regular occurrence than being called selfish! Also, lists like this tend to make differences more stark than they otherwise would be (if I counterbalanced it with all the ways I am “true” to my gender it wouldn’t seem so awful) :D

memsaab, i hold you responsible for the dark circles i’ve developed!…i could not stop reading your wonderful blog!i don’t know if u’ve been told this before – your zest for life and strong, blithe spirit come shining through in everything you write. i cannot believe you aren’t indian (u know what i mean by that, right?) or that u haven’t spent a major part of your life in india…u r awesome :)consider me another fan in your loooooong list of admirers. ur non-filmi write-ups are a delight too. as someone still single at the “dangerously old” age of 27 (my friends have all “settled” with hubbies, houses and kids – all these make them normal and me the odd one out) i so identified with this piece…i am a lot like this too – the anti-shopping, the not wanting to have babies and definitely saying no to shaadi!
glad i found your blog and i will be lurking around here very, very, very often ;) God bless memsaab!
ps. wow u *did* have pal pal here…i shld have known!
pps. you look gorgeous in the saree :)

That is so nice of you, I’m glad you’ve enjoyed reading :) Very glad to have you here, and please keep coming. And feel free to recommend things—I suspect we have the same tastes if Blackmail and Solva Saal are any indication :D

You are hilarious. But honestly the nice thing for me about being a white girl in India is that I’m not expected to be womanly. Aunties just shake their heads and tell me to sit down with the men if I even try to help out :D They tell me to find a nice rich husband so that I can have maids to do everything for me.

memsaab,
yu are a human , that is sufficient for qualifiying for male/female etc. these distinctions have become blurred with onset of 21st century!Most importantly you are a soul and also that an Arien soul, mind you, Souls are neither male nor female! So relax and enjoy!
yours truly
mahesh tilwani

Amazing post!!! Never knew there was a series of this going on across. Owing to my new job where internet is blocked, I don’t get to check blogs as often as I used to. As always, it was a pleasure reading ur post and the comments that followed.
I love cooking and I love children. I drink but not like a fish. But other than these 3 things we do have the rest of them in common.
My friends (that by default includes more of guys…I have very few girlfriends) don’t even acknowledge the fact that I am a girl!