Tripping Over Myself: What To Do After A Triathlon

My swimming skills suck, the bike I own has more dust than grease on the chain and the word triathlon isn’t in my vocabulary. My ideal triathlon would consist of running and well hmm….I guess I don’t have another two options…so I am a monathlete?

I’m at a loss as to how I would react after doing a triathlon. I have some strategy involved in letting others know that I just conquered the asphalt and they should be in awe. Here’s my system:

5K: Casually drive the kids somewhere in my running attire making sure that the number is visible, but in a way that appears I just forgot to take it off. This also gives the added benefit of showing how great a dad I am in that I ran a race, but still took the time to take my kids somewhere.

10K: All of the steps listed above for the 5K, but walk a little slower. Maybe tell my kids in a loud voice to slow down because I haven’t fully recovered from the 10K. I’ve found that for a couple extra dollars, my kids will even bring it up to a total stranger and say something like “Guess what! My dad just did a 10K.”

Half Marathon: I will use a combination of the 5K and 10K (except the walking slow isn’t really on purpose) techniques. Having the race medal and a better shirt lasts a longer time. The half marathon has a longer lasting effect in that I can take the medal to work and hang it above my desk. I can bring it up in a meeting if I groan or wince a little when I sit down. If I’ve sufficiently informed the right people beforehand I can get this to last until mid-week.

Marathon: This is the granddaddy of the race techniques. I pull out the big guns for this one. I definitely use the techniques of the 5K to Half Marathon, but then I get the secret weapon….the homemade sign or banner. If I play my cards just right and maybe even throw in a couple bucks for the kids I can get two or three homemade signs that will be displayed on the course and also at home in the window.

Triathlon: This is undiscovered territory here. How does one sufficiently let people know they have completed a triathlon? Wearing the swim cap around town is a little obvious. Who forgets to take off their cap? Bicycle shorts? Yeah right…that’ll get me the equivalent of the 5K. Having the number on my leg or arm is getting better, but only equivalent of the 10K.

A triathlon definitely deserves better, but as of yet I haven’t discovered what. Until then, you’ll see me on the road, but nowhere near the water or the bike.

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