Top 10 Reasons You Should’ve Gone to Community College

Questioning spending thousands of dollars on school? You should’ve tried community college! From free, used needles in the bathrooms, to a hilarious student government, here are the top 10 reasons to quit real school and bathe in the alternative, shitty glory that is community college.

10.) It’s Basically Free: Let’s start with the obvious. Community college is a nickel per semester. Go to your local Aldi and steal a quarter from the grocery cart line. That’ll pay for your two-year degree, plus textbooks.

9.) Small Campus: You didn’t want to go to the University of Minnesota, NDSU, or even the tiny Sarah Lawrence because they were “too big.” Well, with community college, your classes have two people in them and one of them looks like it could be a blow-up doll.

8.) All the Drugs: Finally, a campus without a smoking ban. In fact, drugs are encouraged. Just tell that man in the restroom with the trench coat that you have a cold and he’ll give you a shot of heroin for free.

7.) No Dorms: No having to walk through packed hallways in nothing but a towel into a closet you share with the person you despise more than anyone else in the world. The downside is that you’re living with your mom.

6.) Class with Moms: Community colleges attract lots of people looking for a mid-life degree. Have you ever had homemade cookies during your history class? You do now. Marsha brings a different baked good every class, and she really misses her kids. Welcome to the family.

5.) You’re an Underdog: Sure, your degree won’t really get you a job. But what degree will? With a degree from a community college you can tell your grandchildren that you pulled yourself out of the gutter with nothing but your bootstraps and a meaningless piece of paper.

4.) The Student Government: If you thought a group of 21-year-olds trying to create useless laws was laughable, wait until you see your old shop teacher, Mr. Anderson, attempt to write a bill giving him all the M&Ms in the vending machines. But don’t worry, Marsha is the Treasurer and she doesn’t know how to work the cash register, so they probably won’t figure it out.

3.) Easy Professors:A good community college professor is like a trail mix. They’re nutty, kind of sweet at times, and mostly old, dried-up prunes. Most of them won’t remember your names, let alone your grades. So get ready for B+’s all around.

2.) “Honors” Organizations: Do you have breath? Then you can be in an honors organization at a community college. Because it’s a 2-year school there is a fuck-ton of turnover, and they’ll treat you like the president because… well… you’re their President now. Congratulations, you’re the best of the worst.

1.) No Fucks Given: So you wanna bring a bottle of Smirnoff to your physics lecture, so what? All these “big-time” universities with their fancy buildings and foolish commitment to their students take themselves way too seriously. If you want to bring Chester, your live alligator, to community college, nobody would bat an eye.