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} Ah, PaperPort. You probably don't know this, but the first, shareware} version of PaperPort was written by Lisa's 12-year-old nephew Doug,} who's as geekish and hackerly as Lisa is sleek and worldly.}} Doug had an early-morning bicycle paper route, but his performance} suffered from his terrible absent-mindedness. He would goof up and} throw the paper right onto the doorstep of customers who never tipped} him, while aiming the Sunday Times at the pile of dog poop on the porch} of the lady who gave him the $20 Christmas bonus. He would zoom like} hell past the house with the hyperactive Chihuahua and then absently} cruise past the one with the free-ranging manic-depressive pit bull and} be lucky to escape with half his trousers. He would forget the house} number of the community college coed who always left her shade halfway} up and spend fifteen minutes waiting for a balding fifty-year-old to} step out of the shower buck naked. And if he remembered to stick a} memo paper in his back pocket before leaving, it was a sure bet he'd} lose it to a puddle or the snapping teeth of his friend the pit bull} before he was halfway through the route.}} So he got out his tools and soldered a mounting bracket for his} Radio Shack Model 100 to the handlebars of his bike, wired a} flashlight over it for illumination, and sat down to write a} BASIC program he could use to record all his route numbers,} subscription payments, and important information. PaperPort 1.0} was little more than a glorified spreadsheet:}} *------------------------------------------------------------*} | Name | Address | Owes | Comments |} |---------|--------------------------------------------------|} | Smith | 345 Water | $5.50 | Doberman can't jump fence |} | Perkins | 123 Juniper| $0.00 | daughter with *big* tits |} | Frumkin | 2240 Palm | $21.00!| jogger, can run fast enuf |} | | | | to catch a bike! |} *------------------------------------------------------------*}} You probably do know the rest of the story--how he first sold the} program to a few friends, then incorporated, finally got bought} out by Novell--how PaperPort 1.5 added all sorts of bells and} whistles, like AI-driven software for charting the shortest routes} and best paper-throwing trajectories, a modem interface for} automatic-dialing harrassment of past due customers, a thumbnail-.GIF} directory for photos taken with the optional mini-spy camera, etc.}} PaperPort 2.0 introduced the international modules, and I believe} you'll find the distributor of the Swiss version in Bern. The Swiss} version, of course, not only has four-language support (including} Romansch!), but does probability-function calculations for} avalanche danger per route and includes optional .WAV files of} alpenhorn calls for kids with portable multimedia units who} need to wake up behind-hand subscribers with a reminder that} their payment is overdue.}} You owe the Oracle a couple of those spy-camera shots of Swiss} milkmaids...

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, namesake of a large commercial database, who> when addressed backward is known as "Elcaro", please answer this simple> question:>> Why do computers keep catching fire while I'm using them? Once, well> it was just a freak thing. Twice? A coincidence. But THREE times?> Is there a force of evil at work here? What should I do?

} Oh, yeah. That database thing. Did you _really_ have to remind me of} that? Their damn lawyers are _so_ tenacious. We'll be working things} out for years until they finally change that damn name. Then where will} all those Unix file servers be, with all those "oracle" directories set} up that will need to be changed? There will be lots of work for nerd} consultants. Think about it.}} Anyway, I digress. The answer to your question is yes, there is a force} of evil at work there. Evil is an insidious, wretched thing. A force} not to be dealt with by amateurs. I will, however, give you an} incantation that you can use to fight off this curse. Do things exactly} as I say, and everything should work out fine.}} What you'll have to gather is:}} The little paper liner from the inside of the most important floppy} disk you have.}} Three push pins.}} A flag from Latvia.}} A photo of the system manager.}} Some of that mysterious yellow gravy from your school cafeteria.}} The letters F,R,O,S,T and Y from a defunct keyboard.}} Okay. now sit down in front of a large photo of James Joyce facing you.} Place the items on a table in front of you, and cover them with the} Latvian flag. Careful, here's where it gets tricky:}} Repeat after me:}} Smiling, laughing, rabbits of stone.} Frosty bits froze by a Crone. (that one hurts to say...)} Disks filled with data we loath.} Memory always inclined toward growth.} Three times your evil has struck.} Flaming users and roots mired in muck.} Pentium spirits be gone from here.} For the name of Elcaro you fear!}} Well, that should do it. Be sure to clean up all that mess on the} table. Especially the gravy. you never know what that stuff will do to} paint.}} You owe the Oracle the home address of that damn database company's} head lawyer.

> Dear Supreme Oracle; I know it is not my place to> question your exalted authority. However, I feel that you> may have made an error in judgment lately, and do humbly> request that you listen to my plea.>> I recently was witness to your zotting of #QA91217. It> was a beautiful sunny day and I was crossing the street at> 5th Avenue and Main Street when suddenly ... a giant bolt of> lightning came down from the sky and stuck #QA91217 in the> head while he was waiting for a bus. He fell on the ground> and rolled around, screaming in excruciating pain. Flopped> around like a fish out of water for about three minutes,> holding his head with the care you'd give a new born baby.> Unfortunately, there was a doctor near by that was able> stabilize the man's condition. By the time an ambulance> arrived, he was up and about and refused medical treatment.> He was still a little disoriented and stumbled a little bit> as he walked away, but basically ... he was okay.>> What were you thinking? I mean ... three measly minutes> of pain. That's all? I know of #QA91217, he deserves more> than that, MUCH more! He has not suffered near enough! I> pray to you magnificent Oracle ... please, please, please> punish #QA91217 more; a great deal more. If you want, I> would gladly be the instrument by which you administer his> agonizing punishment. Just give me a sign, and I will> severely torture him with great expediency; hopefully leaving> him with life long injuries and disabilities. I will make> you proud of me, you'll see. Please give me a sign, any kind> of sign.>> Your humble supplicant.

} Dear Supplicant,}} I read your well written letter and decided that I had better} check the records on #Qa91217. And you are correct, he did deserve} a much larger punishment that what you perceived. Rest assured,} supplicant, that the Oracle DID take care of business the first} time. First of all, #Qa91217 was put on an automatic timer that} zots him on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, he should be} getting one right about}} <<ZOT!!>>}} now. Good. Additionally, each ZOT has different effects on him.} The one you saw, for example, made him think that he had worms} eating his brain. (Actually, there WERE worms eating his brain,} but the effects were only temporary.) Another good one is to} inflate his tongue to 5 times its normal size so that it sticks} out of his mouth and severely inhibits his breathing. Sometimes, I} like to make him just think he's been zotted even though I've} actually done nothing to him, it really messes with his psyche.} But my all time favorite, which is inflicted no less than 3 times} per week, is to let him actually know how great an entity I am. It} has effects that dwarf actually comprehending infinity.}} So you see, supplicant, the Oracle knows his business. For you,} though, since you wrote such a nice letter,}} <<ZOT!!>>}} he just got another one. (I've made him give off a scent so that} male dogs think is a female in heat.)}} As for your sign, I've loosened the bolts on the no parking one} around the corner from your house, just go by after midnight} tonight and pick it up.}} You owe the Oracle an Iron Maiden.

} Humble supplicant,}} The use of shared memory is influenced by two main factors, namely;} 1) Who you share it with, and 2) What filing system you use.}} To address the first point:} Theres absolutely no point in approaching someone and saying "Ah,} do you remember Paris in the springtime?" if they have never been there} with you (or if they have never been there with you in the springtime,} or if they've forgotten they've been there etc.). So the first criterion} when attempting to share a memory with someone is to ensure they know} * who you are,} * what you are talking about, and} * why.}} More importantly, *check you both use the same filing system*:} Memory is triggered by various stimuli, and it can sometimes} be difficult, even when you've found a good candidate to share a memory} with, to ensure that they are remembering the same features of the} event, or indeed the same event. This can sometimes be dangerous to the} inexperienced. The odour of a badly tamed sewer may bring to your mind} that glorious walk beside the Seine (in Paris, in the springtime), but} it may only bring to your partners mind the rather messy final illness} of her childhood pet, or perhaps the fact that they later fell into} the same river (in Paris etc), or merely that you have forgotten to} unblock the drains again... So, it is imperative to make certain that} you not only both have the same memory, but that its replay is set off} by the same stimuli. This may require subtle prompting, setting the} appropriate mood, or possibly extensive psychosurgical reconditioning.}} Finally, having found the right co-remembrant and carefully brought} the appropriate memory to the forefront of their awareness, you are} ready to share memory. Maintain a respectful and attentive stance, eyes} shut to allow events to replay more clearly and avoid distractions,} and enjoy...}} You may experience initial compatibility problems - you may be} remembering at different speeds, or initiating memory out of phase,} but with practice and perseverance you may attain the final goal of} simultaenious shared memory.}} You owe the Oracle 2 return tickets to a decent hotel in Paris.

} First there would be a knock on your door from an officer of the} local Humane Society with a warrant for your arrest. The charge} would be wreckless endangerment of an animal for the satisfaction of} personal curiousity.}} On the surface this is the classic Nature's law versus Murphy's law} conundrum. Cat's feet versus buttered side of toast. In this case the} toast is an inanimate object unable to affect the course of events.} The cat however must choose between two actions. Should it try to} land on its feet or get the toast off its back? A clever cat knows} that if the toast is strapped on it will still be there at the end of} the journey and will try to land on his feet. The Oracle has never} seen a dumb cat.}} You owe the Oracle a splendid grovel. In your excitement, after} finally coming up with a question, to get your e-mail sent you forgot} the most important part of the exchange.

} It depends. If you mean Nirvana, the rock group, the answer is very} little.}} If you mean Nirvana, the ultimate level of consciosness, then if you} have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand the answer.}} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Tibetan book of the Dead, autographed} by the author.

> Oh powerful oracle, who never has to worry about getting a date, answer> this humble suplicant...>> I'm really in love with this girl in Texas, and she loves me, but right> now we can't get together because of school, parents, and money. Will> we ever get together? And what will become of us?

} No, of course not! No matter how many questions come in at once, I} never get mixed up and send somebody the answer to somebody elses} question! I'm deeply offended that you would even ask that.}} You owe the Oracle an apology.

} Eh? What's that, sonny? You want to go to Enwrightsville? You} can't get there from...}} Lightfield? No town in these parts got a name like Lightfield.}} Oh, sorry, sonny, my ears ain't been the same since the Voodoo Lounge} tour came through.}} You say you want to go to enlightenment? Well, why didn't you say so?}} Take County Road 147 until you get to Philosophy, then turn hard right} and pass through Nietzscheville and Kantstown. If you see a big sign} that says "Hegelian Dialectics and Groceries", you've gone too far.} Gotta turn around.}} Turn off the road at an unmarked path, right after the Krishna} standing with the pamphlets. Keep going on that until you see a} big church to the left. You might ask directions from someone there,} but if I never understood a damn thing they ever said.}} You followin' me so far, son? Ayuh. So how far did I get? The} aquarium? Oh, right, the church. Say, which part of enlightenment} are you trying to get to? It matters, you know. If you're going} to Nirvana, you don't want to take the Endless Cycle -- that'll take} you way out of your way.}} So you're going along, and... wait, this is the way to} self-enlightment. Sorry, that's completely wrong, you want to go to} plain enlightenment.}} No, you can't get there from here.

} Considering that their empire has collapsed, their next king is} a doofus, their country is being invaded by French Chunnel} commandos, and their footbal teams always lose, it's a wonder} they don't throw themselves off the cliffs of Dover.