Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I've had no coffee the past two days, and surprisingly, no headaches and a terrific energy level. Instead of stopping at Starbucks on my way to work, I've been stopping at Jamba Juice for an Acai Super-Antioxidant smoothie (http://www.jambajuice.com/#/smoothies/) with an "energy" boost. I'm not sure what part of the formula is causing my increased energy level, but I'll take it.

That is not to say that I have made up my mind to quit caffeine for good, as I had a couple of weeks ago. Nope, I am leaving open the possibility that, on some days, I may want/need a caffe mocha, or at least break down and have a cup of regular coffee at the office. But I am going to try and avoid caffeine to the best of my ability without torturing myself.

I've been quite productive at work this week. I have everything for all my deadlines through May 9th completed and can now work on catching up on the projects that I'd had to back burner during my recent crunch time. I will be out of town on travel at least one day next week and two days the next (including an overnight). And I found out today that I am going to get to fly to San Francisco for depositions again at the end of the month--yea! This time I am going on a Friday, so I am trying to convince MM that he should fly out and join me later that evening. . . . the Padres are playing the Giants at Pac Bell Park, so that's an added incentive for him, being the huge baseball fan that he is.

Turns out my dad is coming alone to visit me. First time ever since he has been married to my stepmom (over 18 years) that he's visited me solo. He flies in at 6:00 on Friday and will stay until Monday morning; I'll be taking him to the airport just before I head out of town to Yuma. I'm looking forward to seeing him.

Not much else to report. Life is pretty much status quo. No news is good news, I suppose.

Monday, April 28, 2008

My toe is much better today: almost all the swelling is gone, though it remains very bruised, and I can walk normally on it, so long as I wear an open-toed shoe that doesn't put any pressure on the top of the toe. (I'm actually wearing some very cute, strappy Steven Madden sandals with a small heel, and they feel fine.) In retrospect, I don't think I broke it; I probably just jammed it. It is still bruised all the way to my foot and painful to touch.

Not sure why the scale is up this morning. I didn't eat great yesterday, but I didn't overeat particularly. Hmmm.

I finally dragged my a$$ to the office yesterday afternoon after saying goodbye to MM. It's amazing how much I can accomplish in just a few hours there on a weekend. My desk is cleared off, I'm organized for the week, the things I had due today are ready to go out. It's really nice to start the week this way! I would still say that I am behind, simply because I have so much to do in the next two weeks, but I'm definitely ahead of where I was when I left the office on Friday afternoon.

MM and I had a fun and relaxing weekend together. At his request, I'd planned nothing social for us to do: he wanted to hang out with only me and have no timetable. Friday night I stayed out at his place; we just went to dinner (Italian), then back to his place to watch a DVD (Lions for Lambs). Saturday evening he came to my neck of the woods, and we went to dinner (California Pizza Kitchen), then to the movies to see Baby Mama. He spent the night at my place. On Sunday morning, we took Sebastian to the dog park for about a half hour (that was enough to wear him out), then had lunch in Tempe (deli) and went shopping and saw one more movie (Forgetting Sarah Marshall).

Much as I enjoy seeing my friends, it was nice to be with MM, just the two of us. Aside from the two weekends we've gone out of town together, I think this past weekend was the most time we've spent together on a weekend: we usually see each other Friday OR Saturday, not both. We spent both nights together at MM's suggestion. Because we will be moving in together in the near future, I think he is trying to accustom himself to having less "alone time" on the weekends. It's not that he doesn't want to be with *me*; it's more that he's just used to being on his own for significant chunks of time.

If my toe is recovered enough to put on lace-up shoes tomorrow, we will go to the gym & to dinner, as usual. Not sure what I'm going to do if my toe is not ready for closed shoes. . . .

MM has had his house on the market for a little over three weeks now. Last week, his realtor called to tell him that an investor from California who already owns one townhome in his community is thinking of investing in a second and was inquiring about MM's place. Coincidentally (or not), this person owns the home right next to MM's. Aside from that person's interest, no one else has even looked at the place. We know that the market is not great, but MM is actually a little frustrated with his realtor right now because he feels (rightly so, IMHO) that he should be doing more to get the place sold: have an open house or something. MM did tell the realtor that he is not in a huge hurry to sell, but that didn't mean that he wants the house to just sit and not even be shown.

MM's place is nearly three years old, but it looks brand-new inside because he is an extremely neat person, and he's the only one who's ever lived there. In addition to its being in perfect condition, it has many upgrades (window shutters, cabinets, fans, a landscaped backyard) that the other homes in his community do not. So we feel certain that if prospective buyers saw it and compared it to the other homes available in his area, it would definitely be deemed superior. And he has priced it very realistically for the current market.

Although we have looked around a little already, MM and I can't start home-shopping in earnest for a place together until his place sells because the equity he has in his home will be our down payment. . . . plus we will qualify for a higher mortgage if he no longer owns his current home. We don't want to end up paying two mortgages. We also want to live together for 30-60 days at my apartment before we buy--just to be sure that everything goes smoothly--so that pushes the date for a joint home purchase even farther out. I am fine with the current timeline, but if it gets to be August and his place still hasn't sold, that will start to get a little uncomfortable: my lease ends here on November 30th, and I have no intention of extending my time here past that date. Ideally, we would like to buy a home together no later than October, to give us time to move in at a leisurely pace before my current lease expires. We'd definitely like to be moved in to a house we bought together by early-to-mid November.

Well, we shall see. It's not even May 1st until Thursday, so it's too soon to worry yet.

My dad and stepmom are coming to visit this weekend; they arrive on Friday afternoon. I'm looking forward to seeing them.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

So I think I actually did break my toe. It still hurts like hell, and though the swelling is down some today, it still looks pretty nasty. Here's a photo:

Please excuse the look of the un-pedicured foot. (I *was* going to get a pedicure yesterday, but that was out the window after this injury!) And the wrinkly skin on the injured toe and the toe adjacent to it is caused by the stretchy tape I'm using to hold them together for stabilization, not from the injury itself.

Because there is still so much swelling over the joint closest to the nail, it's hard for me to tell whether my toe is bent/deformed or just swollen. It hurts a little bit all the time and hurts more if I move it or (God forbid) touch the top of the toe on something.

Physically this has just not been my year so far! Since January 1st, I've had three head colds, bronchitis, a stomach virus, and now a (probably) broken toe. I hesitate to ask what else can go wrong. . . . .

Friday, April 25, 2008

I am satisfied with my weight above, considering I ended up having pizza for dinner and skipping the gym.

I was at my desk yesterday at around 5:20, happily typing away on one of the many writing assignments I'm currently completing, when I got a call from my friend KH's husband asking if I could babysit for them ASAP. Seems KH, who is about 4 months pregnant, had gone to the ER with vaginal bleeding, and they weren't sure when they would be home.

So rather than do my usual Thursday night thing with MM, I headed home to let Sebastian out, then over to the Hs' for babysitting. I ended up being over there until 10:15. KH was admitted to the hospital for overnight observation, and her husband came home once she was admitted and settled in her room to take over baby duty.

MM was really sweet: he still went to the gym (of course), but came over with a pizza afterwards because he knew I hadn't had dinner. He interacted some with the baby and was proud of himself. LOL (His contact with babies has been extremely limited.)

After getting home last night, I caught my left fourth toe on the corner of the bed frame. It hurt like hell. I think it might be broken; at a minimum, it is badly bruised or sprained. Today it is swollen to about 50% larger than usual and purple.

I've avoided putting on shoes yet today because of the pain in my toe. I've now taped it to the adjacent toe for support, and that helps a little, but it still hurts. . . . a little bit all the time, and even more when I walk on it.

I've been working from home this morning because of my toe (& because I can), but now I need to go in to the office to accomplish a few tasks that require my presence, i.e., signing letters.

Even though I'll be working several hours tomorrow, I'm glad it's Friday.

Aside from last night's pizza, my eating has actually been pretty good since I've recovered from my stomach bug. I'm still not eating enough fruits & veggies--one of several reasons I was sad to miss out on Sweet Tomatoes last night--but I'm making an effort again.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

After waking up feeling so great on Tuesday, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. yesterday with a migraine. Thank goodness Imitrex & ibuprofen, along with a few more hours of sleep, knocked it out and I was able to proceed with my day. I felt so-so most of the morning, but back to normal by afternoon. (Not sure what triggered the migraine: dehydration? I worked out on Tuesday evening and maybe didn't drink enough water after. I really couldn't identify any other potential cause.)

Today I feel fine: not tired, but not particularly energetic, just somewhere in the middle. I am still off the coffee, which is good. . . . though I did have a small (8 oz) chai tea latte yesterday morning, just to help with my headache a little.

Last night after work I went to Trader Joe's and picked up some healthy foods to eat. I've just finished a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch with a few fresh strawberries and 1% milk, and I have a plan for the rest of the day: cheese and lean jerky for snacks, vegetable enchiladas (frozen) for lunch, and MM and I are going to Sweet Tomatoes after the gym for dinner.

I also did some crunches and squats last night. My abdominal muscles are sadly weak: I could only do 30 crunches, and even that was broken up into sets. I need to work on this for sure.

I have less than $20 to spend until payday tomorrow, so it shouldn't be hard to stay on plan. And I like eating what I bring to work for lunch because it saves me time not having to leave the office to get something. . . . time that is better spent doing billable work for clients. ;-)

I would dearly love to get under 200 lbs. It's so sad that this is my goal, but baby steps. . . .

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Seriously, I feel like a million bucks this morning. I can't remember the last day I woke up feeling this energetic and ready-to-tackle-anything. I seem to finally be totally over my stomach bug, and the migraine that showed up yesterday evening to brighten my day is gone, too. Maybe part of the reason I feel so great today is that I went to bed at 8:00 p.m. (Obviously, this is something I'm not likely to do every day, so I hope that's not it. LOL)

I am fully rehydrated--I literally drank over 4 liters of water over the course of yesterday--and still the scale is down. Yippee! I know I shouldn't be inspired by the number on my scale, but today I am! I'd only have to lose 2.6 lbs to get under 200, and that seems totally doable in a way that 8 lbs does not!

I actually can't wait to get into the office and tackle the pile of work on my desk. Wow, I hope this mood lasts. . . . .

Monday, April 21, 2008

Update on the illness front: when I woke up today, despite feeling pretty good (& actually a little hungry), I made a decision to put nothing but water into my stomach until I was sure it would tolerate more than that. By noon, when my off-site meeting concluded, I had consumed 2.5 liters of water with no churning/knotting/cramping. (Side note: I still didn't need to pee, which is how I know I woke up dehydrated.)

I decided to take a chance and get a fruit smoothie for lunch. I am more than 3/4 of the way through the smoothie, and aside from feeling full, so far no ill effects. Yea! I continue to have a dull headache, but I get so many headaches from so many different causes that I'm not even sure what I should blame for this one: caffeine withdrawal? dehydration? illness? too much time on the computer? Could be any one of the above or a combination.

I am going to take advantage of this unexpected illness to not only kick my coffee addiction (which is pretty well history at this point, I think), but also to start (for the gazillionth time) to eat right. I joined sparkpeople this morning so that I will have a place to track my weights, menus, and workouts. (I've read good things about it from others and have been eager to try it out myself.) I am going to hit the grocery store this evening after work, while I still have little to no appetite, and purchase healthful foods for the week. And of course, I will be hitting the gym with MM on Tuesday and Thursday as usual; now if I can just manage to drag my lazy ass there on Saturday & Sunday, when he's not along, I'll be hitting my workout target!

Let's see if my good intentions translate to action. . . . . .

I know I recently complained about my negativity in the blog of late (though arguably, that *is* one of the purposes the blog serves). So I want to share something positive on here today (and I don't think my goood intentions to get back on track with eating right count: I've written those same sentiments more times than I'd care to admit!)

During a moment of quiet reflection this morning, I suddenly began thinking of MM and how much he means to me. I really love the guy and am very happy in our relationship. . . . happier than I have been in a romantic relationship in a long, long time (maybe ever?). I know that he is not a perfect person, but who falls in love with someone because he's perfect?! Actually, MM's little quirks make him more lovable to me. . . . not to say that I don't see their potential to eventually drive me nuts. LOL No one I love is perfect, but that doesn't make me love them less. . . . nor am I perfect myself, far from it.

I truly think that the two of us are a great fit. Being with him is comfortable, but can also be exciting. I feel as though I've known him for years instead of just seven months. It amazes me to think that someone who I met online, less than six months after breaking up with my fiance, has come to mean this much to me. When I met MM, for the first time in my life, I really wasn't looking for someone with whom to form a long-term relationship; I just thought I should get out there and date so I wouldn't get stuck in a rut of singlehood after my break-up with SL. I know MM wasn't looking to fall in love--he wasn't even looking for a girlfriend at first--yet here we are. Maybe this is what people mean when they say that love finds you when you are not looking for it. (An expression I've always thought was an annoying crock of shit, by the way.)

I worry sometimes about what the future will bring as our relationship progresses. . . . not because of any inherent caution on my part or because of doubts about us per se, but because I know firsthand that just loving someone is sometimes not enough to make things work long-term. But today I feel optimistic that we will successfully negotiate the changes coming in our relationship and will be together for a very long time.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I thought I was better on Saturday evening, but realized once I tried to eat real food that I wasn't. I made the same mistake again this morning and have been paying the price all day, with bloating and intermittent pains in the middle of my abdomen. (I seriously look pregnant, but "carrying high.") And to top it all off, I started my period this morning, too. Ugh.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The secret to my quick weight loss? I've hardly been able to eat anything for the past two days due to a stomach virus. I have no doubt that the scale will jump right back up to 208 once I am recovered and rehydrated.

I started feeling crampy and nauseous around noon on Thursday. The abdominal cramps were so bad by 3:00 that I went home, where I spent a miserable evening and had to make many, um, urgent trips to the bathroom. Yesterday was awful: in addition to having all these same symptoms, I was also exhausted from not sleeping most of Thursday night. I went to work for a few hours because I had certain tasks that I HAD TO accomplish before close-of-business on Friday & a 10:00 a.m. conference call. As soon as I'd done what I had to do at the office, it was back home to lie on the couch, nap a little, and generally wallow in my misery.

I was optimistic that I would feel better today, but I'm still not back to normal. I was awakened by nature's call at 4:30 and again at 6:00. Anything I put into my stomach--even plain water--makes it churn and tighten into knots. I have zero appetite; it's all I can do to force myself to drink water.

I had planned to go to the office today: I have a lot of work I need to catch up on. (That was true before I got sick, and it's even truer now that I didn't work full days on Thursday or Friday.) Alas, I think I am going to have to stay close to home instead. Being sick sucks!

MM and I have plans to go to a party at my friend J's place tonight. I hope I am feeling well enough to go!

P.S. On the plus side, I haven't had any coffee since Thursday morning, when I could only finish half my caffe misto. Maybe this stomach bug will help me kick my caffeine habit! I couldn't stomach coffee at the moment. Yes, I've been headache-y. . . . but I'd expect that due to dehydration anyway.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I feel as though I'm full of complaints lately. "I'm tired," "I'm fat," "I don't feel like going to work," etc. Blech. What a whiner.

I have a ton of work to do today and little motivation to do it. Not a good combination. I will definitely be working most of Saturday in an attempt to get caught up; all kinds of things are piling up around me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

In re-reading my most recent posts, I realized that I never updated about my concerns about the "inconsistencies" in my relationship with MM. Nope, instead I went right on to post about how I've decided to go off the pill. God, anyone who reads this must think I'm a head case.

Anyway, for the sake of completeness, MM and I talked more about my feelings on the subject over the weekend, when we could actually talk face-to-face and be relaxed. Now that his dog allergy is much improved with Flonase, he is going to start coming over to my place more and even staying the night sometimes. (He came over for an hour and a half last night after the gym/dinner, which is not something he has been doing previously.) And regardless of what happens with the sale of his place, he is going to move in with me at the beginning of July. Apparently our living together by early July had been his intention for some time, but he hadn't explicitly communicated it to me, so I'd been thinking that it could be fall before we moved on to that phase.

MM jokingly refers to our living together as "our experiment." I know that he still has some anxiety about how he will deal with that transition--cohabiting is something he hasn't done since just after college--but I also know that he loves me and, as he has often told me, his life is better with me in it than without me, in spite of his anxieties about our relationship.

Seriously, despite what MM thinks, I have a real dependence on my morning coffee.

As I was getting ready this morning and driving to work, I was in a funk. I felt "BLAH" for no real reason. In fact, I was mentally slapping my face, telling myself "WTF is wrong with you?? Everything in your life is good, and you have no reason to feel this way!!"

I stopped at my friendly neighborhood Starbucks on my way to work and got a lovely caffe misto: 8 oz of dark, brewed goodness and 8 oz of steamed milk. . . . just so it seems to be meeting some actual nutritional need.

Now, less than an hour after finishing this elixir of the gods, I am feeling 100% better and ready to tackle my day. OK, I am also feeling a little wired and flushed from the caffeine, but it's a small price to pay for the improved mood.

I was fighting a headache all day yesterday: not a migraine and nothing major, but annoying nonetheless. I took several doses of ibuprofen, and that kept the pain under control for the most part, but I don't know what's up with me lately.

MM and I went to the gym last night, then to dinner, as per our usual Tuesday routine. I had a good workout; I got there a little earlier than him, so I had time to lift weights in addition to my 32 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

I was stuck at home yesterday morning until after noon, waiting on the carpet cleaners to come. I didn't get to the office until 1:15, so I have a bunch of stuff I need to get done today. (The carpets look great, though, I must say.)

Not much else to report. Life is pretty much status quo: busy at work, etc.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A friend recommended a book for me to read, and it just arrived from Amazon yesterday. It's "Ready: Why Women Are Embracing the New Later Motherhood." Basically, it explores the growing trend of women deferring children until after age 35 and the social ramifications of this trend. Interesting stuff.

I posted a few weeks ago some of my ruminations about the prospect of becoming a mother (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2008/03/motherhood.html). I freely admit that I am one to over-think things. . . . but I think parenthood in particular is something that should not be approached lightly and without reflection about one's motives. In my observation of the world, I note many people who became parents by accident rather than design, as well as people who became parents by design, but for the wrong reasons.

Whatever my doubts about the realities of motherhood and how it would fit in with my life, having a child of my own is something I want to do. . . . and I think that I want it for the right reasons. I am emotionally mature and settled in my own life so that I believe I could provide a solid foundation of security for a child. I absolutely love children and always have, and I am good with them. (I have several friends with kids aged newborn to 16 who will vouch for me on this one.) I realize that it is a little early at 7 months to say for sure, but I think that MM and I have a good "peer" relationship that is stable and will continue indefinitely. I believe that having a child of my own would bring a lot of joy and greater meaning to my life. And given how many other people seem to have successfully navigated the world of working motherhood, I trust that I am underestimating myself when I doubt whether I can do it, too.

In the past several weeks, I've come to a decision. (Yes, my prior post about motherhood was part of this decision-making thought process.) When I complete my current package of birth control bills, I am going to stop taking them. I don't know that I would say I am going to actively try to become pregnant at that point, but I am going to stop preventing that possibility.

I have talked with MM about this, and he is totally OK with this decision. In fact, he is in full support of it and has hoped that I would stop taking the pill a while ago. He fully expects and intends that we will be getting married before the end of the year, and he thinks there's no time like the present for us to "get started" on having a child, particularly because of my advanced (ha ha) age.

So we shall see. As I shared with a friend, in putting this decision into action, I have two fears: one is that I won't be able to get pregnant at all, even when I'm actively trying; the other is that I will get pregnant right away. LOL

Monday, April 14, 2008

OK, now my weight is getting out of control again. Time to start buckling down. . . .

Morning is off to a good start: I took Sebastian for a brief (<10 min.) walk and am about to eat a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch for breakfast. I plan to have a plain 16-oz coffee this morning (rather than the usual caffe mocha, which has 2 shots of espresso) in an attempt to wean off the caffeine. . . . I'll be too busy today at work to afford a wicked headache.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Yeah, so the whole "giving up caffeine" thing? I made it through all of Saturday, but woke up today with a headache that grew worse over the course of the day despite mega-doses of ibuprofen, two doses of Imitrex, and an hour-long nap in the afternoon. By the time MM came to pick me up at 2:30 for my friends' cookout, I was miserable and in horrible pain.

MM has thought the idea of my giving up coffee was dumb since I first told him about it yesterday morning because he doesn't believe that caffeine dependence is the cause of my fatigue. (Not that he offered any suggestions to what the actual cause might be; he just noted that I only drink coffee once a day in the mornings, so he wouldn't consider that "dependence.") Of course, his first suggestion was that we get to Starbucks STAT and get me a caffe mocha. I didn't want to miss the cookout, and I didn't want to be poor company, so I agreed. (My one small concession to my attempt to quit was that I got only a single shot--as opposed to my usual double shot--of espresso.)

Within 45 minutes of downing the caffe mocha, my headache had subsided to a tolerable pain level; by the time 90 minutes had passed (& I'd downed about a liter of water), my headache was totally gone. As I type this, I can feel a hint of headache flickering in the background, but am otherwise back to normal.

To me, this occurrence just cements my belief that I am addicted to caffeine. If I weren't addicted, why would taking it away cause me to get a headache?

Aside from the headache, overall today was a good day. (I didn't go in to work at all, but ah well. All my work will be waiting for me in the morning. LOL) I came home early from MM's to go to a new Catholic church I had not previously visited; MM's friends G & S attend there regularly, so they met me there to show me the ropes. G & S invited me to join them for brunch after church, too. MM and I had a good time at the cookout, despite the fact that I knew only a handful of the other guests, and he knew none of them. And we drove around a couple of our preferred neighborhoods to see if any houses had been recently listed for sale.

I plan on just taking it easy the rest of the evening. Nose to the grindstone again tomorrow.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I have been feeling tired too often lately. I consistently sleep at least eight hours a night, so I can't blame my fatigue on lack of sleep. I have no other symptoms--no aches, no congestion, no scratchy throat, no cough--so I don't think I'm ill. I know that stress can cause one to feel tired, but my relative stress level at the moment is probably quite a bit lower than at other times in my life: times when I didn't feel so tired.

Last night I was investigating possible causes of my tiredness, and I ran across the fact that caffeine dependence can cause fatigue. I didn't know this! Up until taking my current job last July, I rarely drank coffee: only once in a while if I was extra-tired. (Prior to being a lawyer, I never drank coffee at all, and have never been big on sodas either.)

So I decided that I need to quit coffee. I had to get up before 8:00 today to baby sit for a friend, and I had no coffee at all today. So far, I've had no headache or irritability, but I was tired (& took a 2-hour nap) this afternoon.

We'll see what effect--if any--giving up caffeine will have.

I think another factor in my feeling tired a lot of the time could also be the deterioration in my eating habits over the past 7-8 weeks. I freely admit that I have more energy in general when I'm eating more healthfully and exercising regularly. I've never before experienced this level of fatigue from eating crap and only exercising sporadically, but I *am* getting older. (Getting older sucks, by the way.)

The only other possible explanations I could think of for feeling tired: fatigue is a rare side effect of oral contraceptives, or I could have sleep apnea. However, I've taken the pill off an on for almost 20 years and have never known it to have this effect on me. And even though I do snore some, I don't think I have sleep apnea: no one who has slept with me has ever said he noticed I stopped breathing, and I'd probably feel tired every day if I had that, not just sporadically.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I am tired today. (Actually, this declaration seems to have become an almost daily refrain for me.) I am glad it's Friday; I've had a busy week at work. I will probably have to put in some hours some time this weekend, in an attempt to keep a handle on my workload, but that's still better than being at my desk all day.

MM and I had dinner and saw "21" last night with his friends G & S. We had a good time: my dinner was good (though both the men had complaints about theirs), and the movie was entertaining.

After the movie, I spontaneously asked MM if he would come and spend the night at my place. (As I have mentioned before here, he almost never spends the night at my apartment because of Sebastian.) Not sure why: maybe in part, I felt as though I hadn't really spent much time with him that evening, simply because we didn't have any "alone time" during which to talk; I've also had a stressful week. His response was that he couldn't because he didn't have clothes for the next day or his medications.

A rational and not unexpected response from him, but for some reason, I felt disproportionately disappointed, and (MM says) it showed on my face. I am usually not "needy" with my boyfriends, being more self-sufficient than the average woman, so I think my disappointment caught MM off guard.

This seemingly simple occurrence got me thinking about things between MM and me. I love MM, and I have no doubt that he loves me, too. On the whole, I am happy with our relationship: I enjoy the time I spend with him, and I think things are moving in a positive direction. . . . which is big to me, because I am of the belief that things either move forward or one of you moves on.

On the other hand--ah, here's the rub--I am of the belief that there are some inconsistencies in our relationship. He wants us to have a child together, to buy a house together, to "move things forward" and maybe even get married at Thanksgiving. . . . yet we continue to see each other 3-4 nights a week. He seems to think that he is going to go from the way we are now to living together in a house we both own in about a 30-day time period once his place sells.

To my way of thinking, we need to be progressing toward greater commitment/involvement incrementally. MM's general anxiety and struggle with change mean that it takes him a little longer than the average person to adjust to new situations. Fair enough. I get that, and I am not unsympathetic or unwilling to accomodate these peculiarities. Given this set of circumstances, though, I believe that we should be approaching things differently than we are currently. The status quo is fine, for what it is. . . . but I think that our moving in together has a greater likelihood of success if we gradually start spending more time together before we jump right in. This approach is not for my sake: it's for MM's sake.

Anyway. . . . one good thing about our relationship is that I talked with him quite openly about my thoughts/feelings on this subject. (The bad thing about that: it often makes anxious and/or paranoid that I'm secretly planning to end things with him.) So we'll see.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I had a hella long day today: one deposition in the morning (which blessedly lasted only a little over an hour) and another deposition, on another case, in the afternoon. In between I dealt with my inbox & voicemail and finished drafting motions in limine and proposed voir dire and jury instructions for a trial next month (due tomorrow). I still have some loose ends to tie up tomorrow, as well as the usual writing assignments (motions, disclosure statements, and the like) that I've had to put on the back burner the last couple of days. Ah, the life of a civil litigator.

MM and I went to the gym (per our usual Tuesday routine), then to dinner. He came over for a little while to watch the Diamondbacks game and to get keys to my place so he can let Sebastian our for me tomorrow evening: I plan to work late and go straight from work to north Scottsdale to play Bunco. From my office, it's almost an hour's drive in late rush hour traffic to my friend A's house, where we are meeting to go to Bunco together. If I had to go home and tend to Sebastian, that would add 45-50 minutes to my drive time, whereas it will only take MM minutes out his way to stop on his way home from work and tend to the boy for me.

I must say that MM is doing much better around Sebastian allergy-wise. He only sneezed twice in over an hour at my house, and that was even with petting Sebastian. He had no watery/itchy eyes and very little congestion. Hooray!

I had high hopes for writing an interesting post today. During my afternoon deposition, I even had some good ideas for topics. . . . but I couldn't jot them down at that moment, and by the time we once again reached a portion of the testimony to which I could give less than 100% attention, I'd forgotten about them. Now I am brain dead and at a complete loss to write about anything except the events of my run-of-the-mill day. [sigh]

Next time I come up with something good to write about, I'm going to send myself a quick email on my BlackBerry to preserve the thought before it dies a slow death from neglect as today's did. . . .

As always, I've got some fun stuff coming up that I can look forward to: MM and I are going to a BBQ on Sunday hosted by some friends of mine from my PCAO days. They are expecting their second daughter in a little over 20 months on April 18; SL and I went to their wedding, and this will be their first time meeting MM. Next weekend, I've promised V that MM and I will go with her and her new beau to the Titanic Artifact Exhibition at the Arizona Science Center--MM and I have been wanting to go see that for a while. My friend J and his girlfriend A are supposed to be hosting their own cookout on April 26. And my dad & stepmom are coming to visit the first weekend of May.

P.S. After re-reading my "Wedding" post below, I realized that I totally omitted one interesting part of the wedding reception. (After you read this, decide for yourself whether this was an innocent omission on my part. . . . )MM and I were just about to leave the reception--we had said our goodbyes to my friends at our table and to the bride--when we met the groom on the way out and he told us we couldn't leave because L was about to toss the bouquet. As usual, there was a dearth of single women in attendance, so we couldn't possibly leave before the bouquet toss.I was in the middle of a few single friends, with a line of girls under 12 in front of my. Bride L turned her back and threw the bouquet literally right into me--it hit me directly "in the numbers," as E's boyfriend said. I stood there shocked, watched it fall to the floor, then sheepishly picked it up off the floor. L hugged me, and the whole thing was caught on videotape and in photos.Good times. . . . .

P.P.S. We also stayed for the garter toss, which was right after the bouquet toss. The garter was headed straight for MM. . . . but a 6-foot-plus guy with long arms jumped up and grabbed it. LOL

Monday, April 07, 2008

Mom just drove away to head back to Ohio. I'm going to miss her. She arrived on January 31st (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2008/02/liberal-democrat.html), so she has been here a little over two months, even excluding the six days she was gone for Grandma J's services recently. After having someone stay with you for that long, you get used to having her around.

Even though I will miss Mom, it'll also probably be nice to have my place to myself again. And assuming things continue to progress with MM and we move in together as planned, this will likely be the last "alone" period I will have for a long time. . . . maybe ever!

As I was just recently blogging about my clutter, I must also mention this: as I was helping Mom pack her car for her trip, I noticed that she had mostly what I would consider unnecessary crap to take with her. Of course, I realize that "one man's trash is another man's treasure," and that these things were probably not "unnecessary crap" to HER, but seeing her stuff was a reminder that I come by my clutter-bug tendencies honestly. LOL

MM and I had a wonderful weekend in Tucson. (In spite of the fact that we had our first fight when I couldn't immediately find my way to the hotel. It was over in five minutes and quite funny in retrospect, but boy did he make me angry for a few minutes there.) We arrived late on Friday night and had dinner at Oregano's--yum! Saturday morning we drove down to Nogales to do some shopping. I'll include a couple of photos from our trip later in this post (because I'm too dumb to figure out how to post them in the middle).

Saturday evening we attended the wedding of my friend L and her (now) husband M, the actual reason for our trip. The wedding was great: it was in a beautiful setting, the weather was perfect, it seemed to go off tastefully and without a hitch, and we had fun chatting with some of my old Tucson friends.

Sunday we slept in, then stopped for a little shopping at the outlet mall before returning to Phoenix to have dinner with MM's parents and my mom. That went well, too, and all the parents seemed to hit it off.

I was exhausted and in bed before 9:30 last night. I slept straight through to 6:45 this morning.

Gotta hit the shower: I've been "working at home" this morning as Mom was getting packed, but I've got to be in the office for a meeting in a little over an hour.

Friday, April 04, 2008

I have to say I am quite glad it's Friday. This week wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great, and I am looking forward to spending the whole weekend with MM. I feel a little bit bad to be out of town for Mom's last weekend in Phoenix, but in fairness, she was originally supposed to already be back in Ohio when I RSVP'd for tomorrow's wedding and planned this weekend trip. (And she is totally understanding about the situation.) I'll see Mom on Sunday when we return and go to the Ms' house for dinner.

I realized this morning that MM and I have not spent an entire weekend together since our trip to Vegas in December (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/12/quick-update.html). When I stop and think about it, it seems odd to me that MM and I are at this stage in our relationship, and yet we only see each other 3-4 times a week. We talk regularly about buying a house together, having a child, and occasionally even marriage, but we see each other less than most high school couples probably do. LOL

It's doubly weird for me, because I have never been at this point in a relationship with someone and not been living with them or at least seeing them daily. I've had two prior "marriage track" relationships, to use my friend V's expression. The first, with R when I was 23 to 25, we moved in together after 6-7 weeks of dating. With SL, we were neighbors in the same apartment complex after dating for just a little over 3 months and were seeing each other daily before that. SL and I were also co-workers for the first 8 months we dated and moved in together around the same time he got a different job, so there was never a time after the first week or two when we didn't see each other daily. (Come to think of it, R and I were co-workers throughout our entire relationship.)

I'm not sure if it's "normal" to be in an adult relationship at the level of commitment that MM and I have without seeing each other every day, but because of my relationship history, it doesn't seem normal to me. For that reason alone, I'll be glad when we move in together. (Not that there aren't other reasons. . . . )

A couple of reasons that MM and I don't see each other every day are logistical: he lives almost 30 miles away from where I live, though we only work about 10 minutes apart. We work slightly different hours, too. Even if I were willing to drive out to MM's place more often, Sebastian is a consideration; even the best dog ever can only go about 10-11 hours without a potty break. And, of course, MM is allergic to Sebastian, and this simple fact has significantly limited the amount of time he can spend at my place. (MM's only ever spent the night at my place once, and that was because Sebastian ate 4 S.O.S. pads and was really sick. And he was miserable the entire next day after sleeping over.

Actually, on that note, let me share that MM came over for about an hour last night after the gym and dinner. He has been using the Flonase the allergist prescribed for nearly two weeks now, so he wanted to see what effect, if any, it would have on his reactions to Sebastian. I am happy to report that he did much, much better than before: he only had a little sneezing and no swollen/watery eyes. He even petted Sebastian. We are both very optimistic now about the prospect of the two of them being able to live together. Once I get the HEPA filter the doctor recommended and start doing things to reduce Sebastian's dander, his symptoms will likely be even further decreased.

I never really entertained the thought of getting rid of Sebastian--nor did MM ever say that I should--but I will tell you that I have had some concerns about whether MM would be able to get his allergies to a point where the two of them could co-exist. What a relief!

I look forward to living with MM. I'd like for his face to be the first one I see every morning and for his voice to be the last one I hear before I fall asleep at night. I don't have a big need for personal space, so I think it'll be great.

I do recognize, though, that this will be a bigger adjustment for MM than for me when it finally happens. As a baseline matter, he has a hard time with change. Specific to this situation, he has only lived with one other woman: he was 22 then, and they broke up after two months of cohabitating. Also, he has had basically no roommates since college--a friend of a friend once lived with him for about 6 weeks--and suffers from "OCS": only child syndrome. MM is used to lots of alone time. He is also going to be adjusting to living with Sebastian, a 75-lb Golden Retriever, when he hasn't lived with a dog since age 14. . . and even then, it was a 20-lb Schnauzer.

After a period of adjustment, I'm sure our cohabitating will go fine once it happens.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

After my mom's experience of yesterday (which I wrote about in the previous entry), I have had a general feeling of ickiness about humanity. Being at work does not really help in developing more positive feelings on this matter because I am a lawyer--hello! MM is no help, given that his job is supervising convicted felons on intensive probation. His work lends itself to lots of good stories, but not many that make you think about the good in people. LOL Many of my friends are also lawyers, some far more cynical and jaded than I, so that's a blind alley. And forget about turning on the news--ugh!

I decided that I needed to do something to feel good about humanity again. I considered going back to attending church, and I am still considering it. . . . but this is not something I can accomplish in the middle of a workday.

Oddly enough, one foolproof way I've found to feel better about the human race is volunteering my time to help others. I already volunteer as a court-appointed special advocate for M, and I don't have time to take on any more volunteering at the moment. . . . so I decided I would donate things, rather than time, to those in need. (Coincidentally, doing so could also help me in moving toward my goal of decluttering.)

I am amazed at the avenues now available for donating various items! I have a five-and-a-half year old laptop computer and have found several organizations that will take this and refurbish it for use by the less fortunate here in the U.S. and abroad. I am donating my never-worn wedding dress to Brides Against Breast Cancer (http://bridesagainstbreastcancer.org/); I filled out the form, and Mom said she would ship the dress for me tomorrow. I joined my local FreeCycle group so that I will have somewhere to send my unneeded furniture and household items when the time comes that MM and I combine households.

Also, while reading blogs, I found a link through one of the blogs I read regularly to a blog of a woman who has just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer for the third time. Reading about that in and of itself was not uplifting--a little depressing, actually--but what WAS uplifting to me is that a number of this woman's "blog friends" have organized an effort to raise money to send her and her children to Disneyworld. The majority of the people donating to this effort have never, and will never, meet the recipients of their generosity.

Yes, there are good people in the world. Most of us, actually, I'd venture to say. It can be easy to lose sight of this fact when we see all the evil and chaos around us.

Yesterday my mom went to her car for the first time in two weeks. (She was out of town for nearly a week, then too sick to drive for the past week.) As soon as she opened the door, she noticed things out of place. At first, she thought that, in her hurry and grief in preparing to leave for her mother-in-law's funeral, she had left things in disarray.

As she investigated further, she realized that her car had been burglarized (though there were no signs of forced entry). Among the items stolen were a carousel of photo slides of my mom and her sisters as children and, worst of all, her husband's ashes.

My stepdad passed away March 31, 2007 (http://lovesseabass.blogspot.com/2007/04/when-it-rains.html) and was cremated. Since that time, my mom has kept his ashes in a carved and engraved wooden box. She doesn't like the idea of "leaving him at home alone," so when she drives cross-country, she takes "him" with her. Apparently she had left his ashes under the driver's seat of her car during her absence, and the thieves took them.

I feel so bad for her and so angry at the idiots who did this. Jim's ashes (& those photos) are of no value to anyone else, but they were irreplaceable for Mom.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The scale is up today, likely because MM and I had dinner at Applebee's after the gym, and I didn't make the healthiest choice--plus I had a Buster Bar from DQ, too, after dinner. My poor food choices were bound to eventually catch up to me. As I said to J on the phone yesterday: it's hard to make much progress going to the gym while I continue to eat crap.

Mom will be leaving early next week. Once she goes, I plan to go back and do another week of South Beach phase one to get back on track. I need to give myself a good swift kick in the keister when it comes to my eating!

Mom is slowly recovering. She has been really sick ever since returning from Ohio; many of her symptoms were similar to the ones I had with my last illness, but hers have been much more severe, poor lamb.

MM and I are headed to Tucson after work on Friday: we are attending a wedding there on Saturday night. MM mentioned yesterday that it was very inconsiderate of the bride to schedule her wedding during the Final Four. LOL I don't think either the bride or groom is a college hoops fan, so she probably didn't even think of it.

When we return Sunday evening, we (and Mom) are going to dinner at MM's parents' house. That should be fun.

I was proud of myself today: I can be a horrible procrastinator, and this morning I finally took care of two annoying insurance matters that I'd been putting off literally for months. Neither task took nearly as long to complete as I'd feared, as with most things I put off.

Now that Mom is leaving soon, the time when MM will be moving in with me is getting closer. (Also, MM's house is officially on the market as of April 1st.). Knowing that MM will be living with me soon--and knowing how much neater he is than I--gives me a push to get back on top of decluttering. MM would be appalled if he looked in the two storage closets in my apartment. Heck, he is appalled by how cluttered my living areas are. . . which are neat and organized compared to the closets. I also still have my wedding dress from my aborted wedding to SL and other various and assorted wedding items that I really need to get rid of.

I'm going to have to start tackling that a little bit at a time, maybe 15 minutes a day or something. I hope that MM's good habits will rub off on me once we're living together, but I still need to sort through a lot of junk first.

Time to once again make an effort to overcome my (seemingly) innate laziness. . .

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I haven't blogged since last Friday, simply because I don't have anything I want to write about at the moment. Everything in my life is going fine, but life is pretty much status quo, which doesn't make for exciting reading. . . . and I've been too lazy to dig into my mental archives and write about one of my men.

About Me

I'm a 39-year-old woman who lives in the American Southwest and is continually working on self-improvement. I share my life with my husband MM and our wonderful Golden Retrievers, Sebastian and Hunter.
I started this blog long before I met MM, primarily to write about my struggles with my weight and trying to get organized. I still continue to struggle in both areas, so I write on those topics more often than anything else, but I also write about my daily life and occasionally post a rant or hop on the bandwagon with the themes of other bloggers' posts. . . wherever the mood takes me.