Thursday, February 4, 2010

Closure - and Yes I am THIS Shallow

Warning this is an extremely cheesy and shallow post about first love... I'm allowing it because it is quickly nearing Valentines Day, and because as shallow as this post may be it really marks a milestone for me.

Without boring you with the details lets just suffice it to say, that my relationship with my first love started in high school and ended when I was in college. Although, we were at different schools and had been casually seeing other people, I had always thought we would end up back together when the time was right, he was four years older than me and I had ALOT of growing up to do. So, it was a complete surprise to me when he met a girl in July, didn't want to see me when I was home for a visit in August and then married said girl in the fall of that same year. Mr. First Love and I had one face to face brief heartbreaking moment where he said it's over and I cried, he gave me a hug and as I looked over his shoulders Ms. New Love was coming into the room, also crying. It was very soap opera-ish. In this moment I had been driving for 18 hours to get there, was of course worn out and tired looking and sans make up from the drive, I was of course wearing comfy casual clothes, and I had been crying for about an hour by the time I got to his house (where is a good "see you in Hell look" a la the ettiquette grrls when you need one?). So, in my mind, in that last moment I'm a hot mess, and in walks this tall, gorgeous blonde girl, who incidentally also wants to be a Dr, so she must be brilliant as well right?

Although, I have moved on in many ways from this relationship. There's always been a little nagging at the back of my subconscious, the question of what might have been, and who was this girl who swooped in and although she didn't steal my man, she certainly brought an end to a relationship that I was sure would one day end in marriage.

I had not so much as even seen a picture of this girl from that day 6 years ago until today. Today, while browsing a completely unrelated friends new photo album, I clicked on a picture, that led me to click on a picture, that led me to click on a picture -and this is why you must stringently set your Facebook settings so that only you're friends can see your photos, I mean seriously there are creepy people like me everywhere :) -, that led me to a photo album that had pictures of Mr. First Love and the now Mrs. New Love (I'm really, really tempted to post those pictures). She is average looking. She is most definitely not this tall gorgeous blonde thing I remembered her to be. Actually, (and I mean this in a very nice way, although it might sound snarky) in the looks department the two of them are rather a good match. She's approx. two inches taller than me, with a slightly smaller frame (but that means smaller assets too), and she has a very strong pointy jaw, and a gap in her front teeth. I'm 90% sure she never went on to medical school - so ha, eat those cookies Ms. New Love, I will be a doctor and you, well who knows what you do, but I will be a doctor :) And he, well lets just say he's filled out some. Certainly not a huge amount, but I am quite happy to say that I remain within 5 pounds of my high school weight, in the grand scheme of things does this matter? Absolutely not, but when talking about unrequited love and first love lost, it absolutely does matter... okay maybe not, but it makes me feel better.

Somehow knowing that the end of our relationship came about because of an average looking person, makes me feel better. Instead of being tossed aside and upgraded for a shinier model, it seems as though there were deeper levels of attraction present. Which, was probably obvious to everyone else, but to me, it felt like all he was interested in was her being taller, prettier, and blonder than me. So there you have it, 6 years later I do still occasionally pine away for my first love, but I am now for the first time actually able to be happy that he found "the one" without even a tingling of jealousy.

I feel I must also include this caveat. I am so thankful for the Preppy Boy Friend (PBF). He and I are compatible in a million and one ways. He is intelligent, and handsome, and funny, and charming, and I love his family. We have been together for four years. Through major life changes, moves, job changes, illnesses, financial changes, family deaths... and we are constantly working on improving our relationship. The reality is that 16 year old me would have hated 16 year old preppy boyfriend, and in much the same way 26 year old me, might very well have nothing in common with 30 year old Mr. First Love (that's right readers he was an older man). So, while I might occasionally wonder what might have been... I am very happy, and excited with where I am right now!

3 comments:

I totally understand your post though I've never been in the same boat. I was always the one to end the relationship and I imagined that my ex-boyfriends were looking at my facebook saying "Wow, she is the same weight and everything since high school and now she is married and doing well". It does feel good to look at people now and see changes from when you last saw them.

The best part of this story is that you were able to compare something that you perceived years ago (and under duress) to the reality. And yes, you ended up being happier. In fact, you will be Dr. Happy. :)

I think most people have that "what could've been" relationship that they wonder about now and then. It's nice to know that even though you think about it, you KNOW with all your heart that you are happier now with TPBF. He knows you, appreciates you, and loves you for all of your good and all of your bad (not that there is much of that, of course!!). Adult relationships really end up being the best!!