The Pineapple Express Medicine Show

Plenty of guys have been in a near-win situation only to have it cut short by their girl protesting “But it tastes like egg white and seawater!” Refusing to swallow or even taste semen isn’t that uncommon amongst sexually active women and the bitterness is often the cause of their reluctance. But wouldn’t all your mouth-fucking dreams come true if your cum tasted sweet and delicious? It has been said that drinking a few liters of pineapple juice would do the trick, but the folks at Marco Labs Inc. have come up with a solution that won’t have you pissing fragrantly for days on end, and better yet, they’ve bottled it and given it a catchy slogan: Take the Funk Out of Spunk!

Pineapple Express, a new dietary supplement intended to, simply put, make your cum taste better, was launched by Marco Labs to rousing reception at July’s AVN Novelty Expo in Pasadena California and is now on the verge of entering a brick and mortar retail space near you. So, what’s the deal and how does it work?

Packed into each Pineapple Express pill is “a mixture of protein-digesting enzymes” called proteolytic enzymes or proteases: Stem bromelain and Fruit bromelain (extracts from the plant family Bromeliaceae, of which the pineapple is one member). Allegedly, if a user were to take one pill twice a day with food, effects should be noticeable in a little as two weeks. While the company’s FAQ admits “Pineapple Express doesn’t claim to make your cum taste sweet,” and that it’s purpose is instead to remove bitterness, there are other ways to produce that same effect. Cutting down on caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, red meat, and spicy food can decrease the unpleasantness your partner might experience when you blow in her mouth. But then, bro, without such unhealthy masculine delights as beer and BBQ, where would our manhood be, huh?