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The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.

Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine attendance is not required.

Also, if I am using my computer it does not mean I am neglecting you and you do not have to rub yourself all over me until I give up and leave.

The proper order is kiss me and then go and smell the other dog. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you my dear pet, I have posted the following message on my front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my dog:

She lives here – you don’t.

If you don’t want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why it’s called ‘fur’niture.

I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

To you she is an animal. To me she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and gives me unconditional love.

Anyone who has paid a visit to my bathroom will know that I am particularly fond of a rubber duck! I used to have a much larger collection but an episode with a cleaner and a plastic carrier bag meant that the originals were lost to the bin men! That said, I now have another 6 wee friends taking pride of place beside the bath!

My collection is small fry though! Did anyone see the story of the huge rubber duck that “swam” under Tower Bridge in December? This was a stunt organised by an online bingo site to publicise its £250,000 “bursary” to help make more Britons have fun. The giant 50ft-tall rubber duck went along the River Thames, past HMS Belfast, The Tower of London and under a raised Tower Bridge, much to the amusement of tourists along the riverbank.

And this week another specimen has been spotted floating through Darling Harbour in Australia to mark the opening of the Sydney Festival. Looking very similar to the London visitor, but with more plastic coverage over the hovercraft-like platform.

The organisers of the Festival say that the duck has been popping up in various sites around the world since 2007, although this is the first I’ve read about it. If it wants to join us on the Clyde in Glasgow next as part of the 2014 Commonwealth Games celebrations, that would be ducking marvellous!

Sorry folks! Just realised that 3 out of my last 4 posts were rather morbid so decided to get back on track with telling you about one of the more bizarre stories I’ve read today!

For many people, the idea of sitting on the toilet while looking down into a vast lift shaft is the stuff of nightmares. For the owners of this luxury penthouse in Guadalajara, México, it’s something they have to endure on every call of nature!

When carrying out simple tasks such as using the toilet or brushing their teeth, the owners are able to look down through the glass floor to the bottom of the shaft.

Imagine going in and switching on the light for the first time. An effective cure for constipation I would suggest???