Dear Horace,
The Christmas hype has begun, but things have
never looked so bad. Can Brian Lenihan and the
Government come up with a plan to take some of
the pressure off us all around Christmas without
turning into Scrooge?
Sincerely,
Charlie Dickens
Hard Times CDP
No Great Expectations
Withering Heights
Dublin 14

Horace Helps!

?

Dear Charlie
I have a proposal going to the EU and UN
to fundamentally change the way Christmas
is organised. I propose that Christmas be held
every four years like the Olympics and World
Cup. 30 countries with the best behaved children
who make the “nice list” qualify to take part in
the Christmas Festival and countries with high
numbers on the “naughty” list would miss out.
The qualifiers can be divided into continental
groupings and children would be encouraged
to help their country qualify not by achieving
“personal bests” but being their personable best.
This would be a massive help to hard pressed
parents in disciplining their demanding Celtic
Cubs. This would have many other positive
environment impacts including reducing Santa’s
travel time and carbon emissions.
Every 4 years would really make it special again
and it could be sold to the Christian Churches
by the Pope announcing that the De Vinci Code
proves that Jesus was born in a leap year on
February 29th

Trouble taking the mickey

Help Me Horace,
Last year, everyone would know I was taking
the mickey if I suggested we close down
the Department of Community, Rural and
Gaeltacht Affairs. This year, they’d just call me
Colm McCarthy.

Help Me Horace,
I see that Crumlin CDP [Ed’s Note: see our
project news on page 10] are holding swimming
and smoking cessation classes. That a super idea,
holding the two at once, and it could work for
our community, but we’d like more information.
Mr. Benson Hedges,
Tobaki Road CDP,
Co. Silkut

Horace Helps!

I once wrote satire for a living, but now find it
hard to stretch my imagination to come up with
scenarios that are implausible. Is the Government
running a clever campaign to destroy political
satire by making it entirely redundant?

Hello Benson,
I’ve spoken to Harry up in Crumlin and he says
to just bring lots of cigarettes and lighters along
with you to your local pool. There are various
approaches. Some people like to just chuck their
fags in the pool, then get on with the swim. But,
most people just get in and do the obvious –
swim and smoke at the same time. It’s fun! If the
pool attendant attempts to throw ye out, fight
him/her off bravely, tell him get a life, you’re
trying to save yours. Remember, ye’re doing this
for yer own health and for the benefit of society.

?

Fintan O’Toole,
The Irish Times,
Fancy New Building (we spent too much on),
Dublin One

Horace Helps!

Dear Fintan,
Yes, this country is on the verge of greatness.
The Government is asking everyone to work
harder than themselves and that includes you. Ye
satirists had it too easy for too long.
I didn’t read Colm’s report in full, but I’m going
to now that it’s being implemented in full. Who
else could have had the vision to turn Cork into
Venice overnight (the world’s first underwater
capital of culture) and to turn the midlands into
a giant lake for watersports enthusiasts.
I don’t know how he did it Fintan, but the only
one to predict that kind of rain was the late Myles
na gCopaleen, a renowned optimist.
McCarthy is, mark my words, this country’s
first 21st century genius and Ireland is going
to be overrun in 2010 not by the IMF but by
tourists in diving gear.
Farmers will have exciting, new, incomeearning opportunities to give guided tours in
glass-bottomed boats showing where they used
to live. You’ll be able to snorkel your way through
the back-gardens of boom-time, housing estates
built on marshland, and marvel at this country’s
willingness to embrace anything once.
In the Spring, we can look forward to a spot
of inshore shark-fishing as the fish in the Tralee
Aquarium jump the rim of their tank into the
rising floodwaters. (I understand CDPs in Kerry
are currently running FETAC Level 5 sharkevasion classes).
In the meantime, you might like to write about
the disaster that’s hit Ireland’s Community
Sector, the Irish soccer team and the Jed Twins,
there’s a connection somewhere.

23.

Iceland deals with obesity
problem

Dear Horace,
I hear that McDonalds have closed up shop in
Iceland since the country went bankrupt. You
can’t get a bag of chips for love (no-one has any
money). What’ya think?
Howie Telzem
Ballygeyser CDP

Horace helps!

That’s breathtakingly clever! So incomechallenged Icelanders are now reacquainting
themselves with a low-fat fish diet and will all
live to be 100. Childhood obesity is a growing
problem here too and of course you’re right Ireland should follow Iceland’s example.

2010 dictionary leaked

Horace,
Is it true some of the updated words in the
2010 dictionary have been leaked?
Paul Dudderwan
Skeptic CDP

Horace Helps!

You’re right Paul Dudderwan. There’s been a
leak about one word in particular, when applied
to Ireland from now on.
Bailout (verb, noun):
(1) to remove water from a flooded house
in Cork, Clare or Galway after a river breaks its
banks.
(2) to put money into a bank, after it has
broken.