Dear Kiki: How do I talk to my boyfriend about pegging?

Questions about love and sex in the city of Iowa City can be sent to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Think through why you’re into pegging — are you into the idea of control, pleasuring your partner in a new way, or just into trying new things? A little of everything?

Dear Kiki,

How do I talk my boyfriend into trying pegging? Our relationship so far has been “heteronormative,” if you will.

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Signed,
Persuasive Top

Hi Honey,

Ooh! How fun — I love pegging! If there’s a common thread to my advice thus far, it’s been expanding the context in which you move about. I think it’s going to be a lot easier to broach the subject if you already have a vibrant conversation going about what you like and dislike sexually. I would begin by creating that context first, drawing on your own self-reflection. Think through why you’re into pegging — are you into the idea of control, pleasuring your partner in a new way, or just into trying new things? A little of everything? I think having a rationale is always useful when setting out to persuade, and will determine what kind of conversation you have. For instance, if pegging is really tied to gender roles and power dynamics for you, then the conversation may be about your feelings about gender roles generally. If it’s about exploration, the conversation may be about how important playfulness is to you.

Honestly, lots of people have hang-ups about their butts.

However, I can already guess which obstacles there may be: the association with male homosexuality and body shame. Anal penetration is historically associated withgay male and straight female receivers and male penetrators, and for many straight men, being a receiver is not part of their sexual vocabulary. This isn’t just a straight dude thing—queer women also tend to ignore the back door, and it’s a damn shame. The second obstacle, body shame, is less gendered. Honestly, lots of people have hang-ups about their butts. Here’s where things get tricky, honey. In my mind, both of these aversions are reasonable considering our socialization, but irrational in an absolute sense. Bending over for your girlfriend doesn’t make you gay, and butts are pretty! And at the end of the day, I’m guessing your sex life is about pleasure and intimacy, not exposure therapy. I do think that creating a context where things can be felt and named may loosen him up, but ultimately this may still be a no-go. (If, however, he still expects you to be anally penetrated, I’m not a fan.) Have fun! — xoxo, Kiki