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Monday, March 3, 2014

So, I'm out with this guy...let's call him Jerome. Jerome and I are out having a great time. All of a sudden Jerome starts telling me a story about a girl he's been seeing.

Ummm...awkward, but go ahead.

They are just friends- AKA, he's been put in the friend zone. They've never even kissed, he says.

Right. Continue.

She sends him a link to a music video where Blake Shelton is doing all sorts of romantic things for Miranda Lambert and ends up burning down the house. And he asks me what it could mean.

I offer up that she might want him to be romantic with her.

Well, he says, he does nice things for her.

Continue awkwardness, please! My name must be Delilah or Love Letters to Kellie.

He doesn't like her, but is confused by her.

"Why don't you ask her what she meant by it?"

*interject soapbox* If more people would ask each other what they mean and want instead of going outside the relationship, maybe relationships would be stronger.

He insists that he doesn't like her or care.

"Well, you do if you're mentioning her to another girl."

Silence.

Dear, dear gentleman: Please...and I beg of you, please do not ask women for their opinions on other women unless you concretely intend on them being nothing more than a counselor or close friend. How would you feel if she asks you about her "friend" Rocky or her lover, Maximus? It would be quite an ouchie, wouldn't it? The Golden Rule! If we all lived by it, the world would indeed be a better place.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

It's that time of year again for me. January 4 is almost like my New Year. Each year that it comes, I am thankful that I saved my own life that day in 2002. Many of you have heard this before, some have not.

January 4 was always a great day for me prior to 2002. It was my Papa's birthday and he was one of my favorite people! Plus, it's exactly one week before my birthday, so it essentially starts off my birthday week ;)

In 2002, I made the decision to take back my life and leave an extremely abusive relationship. It was mentally, physically, sexually, and psychologically abusive for a short 5 months. Sure, that doesn't sound like a long time. Most of you would ask why I stuck it out that long. All I have ever said to that is that you don't know what's it's like to have your life or your family's life threatened if you were to do so. Fear can make one decide to stay, reason and justify almost any situation. It takes tremendous empathy to understand this. When I decided to leave, several important people who I expected to understand this- did not. This list of people includes: law enforcement officers, legal representatives, some family members, numerous friends and coworkers. What helped me understand this difficult concept was the image of a frog in boiling water. It is dropped into the water and pot before the water is hot, right? It stays, innocently swimming around not knowing what's happening. As the water begins to heat up, the frog is still unaware of what's going on. It barely feels the change. Before the frog knows it, the water is boiling and it has no way out. That's the explanation that helped me realize why I even chose to stay over leaving for so long.

And while we're on that..."staying for so long"- 5 months isn't too terribly long. I am thankful that I did not stay years. I am thankful that I did not marry him, as he had asked. I am thankful that we did not have children, a mortgage or a place together. I am thankful that there weren't any permanent ties other than heartstrings.

Many women I met in shelters, counseling, the court system, etc. were in these situations where they let the water continue to boil for years and years. They had so much more baggage than I. I even began to think that I didn't belong in their company because I didn't stay long enough to be respected in their eyes. That was an interesting facet that I only faced around those women...that I didn't stay long enough to even be considered damaged or affected enough. In their eyes, it was like I had to be in the relationship a certain, unsaid amount of time in order to seek help or be in the same boat.

Nay, over 5 months was enough to turn my world upside down. I had never had such a fight with my parents. I had never been cut, punched, slapped, attacked, disgraced, tortured and generally disrespected by any other person in my life. It stripped me of my confidence, hope and self-control. I was filled with thoughts that he was the one who could save me. That I just had to follow simple instructions in order to prevent this treatment.

When I did make the decision to leave, the family, friends and authorities that supported me and stood by me helped me recover and return to being myself. However, those 5 months changed me. Certain facets of my personality have entirely changed since then. It continues to affect me in certain ways. I am anxious when I hear knocking on my door. I am fearful to the point of hyperventilation when I have to go to an ATM at night. I became promiscuous afterward, I imagine, as a way of rebelling against being so loyal as well as a way of exercising some control over intimacy. I gained weight to prevent unwanted attention from men, from depression, and I also imagine as a form of punishing myself in a self-defecating way. Making myself on the outside, how I felt on the inside...unwanted, ugly and damaged.

I turned 22 exactly one week after I left. The majority of my peers for this situation were in their 40's or older. This was my second relationship. Imagine that- 22, bringing up charges against this guy, facing some really difficult feelings and situations, having to justify why I stuck around for 5 months and fight for myself to earn respect and justice from our legal system! Some ladies never had the chance to make it out. Some didn't ever bring up charges. I realize now that I put up a helluva fight for the life I had then and for the life I wanted to have in the future!

It has taken a long, long, very long time to recover from a 5 month stint. It will continue to be a part of my life forever. Although, it might not sound like it- I am thankful for going through this because I learned that I am a strong person, that I am resilient, that I have the courage to face challenges, authorities and feelings that most people do not. I also have become less trusting. This might sound like a negative quality. For me, it has been a good thing because I realize that not everyone is what they say they are and that sometimes the water is just heating up. It's a sad fact, but my purpose in writing this most every year is to create awareness.

If you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive situation, you have to just keep on loving them and dropping little nuggets of love all around them! It MUST be their decision to save their life. Otherwise, they'll keep going back and ending up in the same situation. I am, by no means, an expert or a therapist so don't get me wrong. These are just my opinions and what worked for me.

If you feel like the water is heating up around you- PLEASE take an honest look at the situation and seek help! It has to be you! He will not change and it will not get better. It is nothing that you are doing wrong. You are not too provocative, sassy, sarcastic, lazy...whatever he is telling you. You are a human being and like Mary J. Blige says, "you can do bad all by yourself." Seek couple's counseling or therapy if he is willing to. I'm not saying leaving is the be all, end all resolve for everyone's situation. Either way, it's not going to be easy, but there are plenty of resources and people that understand what you are going through. It HAS to be your decision! You MUST fight for your life!

So, I'm trying a new dating app and have had to block two guys this week!

Both of them insist on asking me to come over to their place or to come over to mine. One I had never met. One I met for coffee. Um...

Being a total douchebag must include not understanding the word that is simply spelled with two letters. It's even the same in Spanish!

Go ahead- get your feelings hurt, send a sad face, ask me a few more times in different ways...it all leads to deletion! I love my internal organs and do not intend to be on the news! This is something I am thankful for in my mid-thirties. I am smart, set in my ways, and realize that there could be imminent danger in that situation.

If this app is simply for hookups, I'm getting off of it. I am practically at the point where I'm just going to concentrate on my studies and keeping my place clean until I graduate in October. Especially if I have to continue telling creepsters "NO" and explaining why I have morals, values and care for my personal safety.

Ladies, how many of y'all are accepting these invites? No judging...just asking because it probably has worked for them if they continue to try it. Have some respect for yourself. At least meet a dude in a bar and get to know him there around his friends and in public before going back to "your place or mine." :)

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I just want to document my feelings and experiences at this year's Snowball Express while they are fresh. Do your eyes ever well up when you see something sweet or sad? What is that? Sometimes I think I'm feeling the Holy Spirit alive in me. Other times, I think it's emotions welling up. Maybe it's both.

This year has been just as rewarding as last year. I am helping out more in the kid section rather than teens like I did last year. It seems to fit me better. Tonight, there was a little girl sitting by herself so I asked her if she was ok and needed anything. As I was kneeling down to hear her, she reached up and gave me the biggest hug and started crying. She missed her Daddy. It took all I had not to fall apart right there with her.
All I could say was, "I'm so sorry, honey. What can I do to make you feel better tonight?"

"Just sit here with me." And she held me so tight, crying and crying. After a few minutes some other girls she knew came up and gave her big hugs and listened to her, too.

I couldn't say, "I know" because I don't. I can't imagine! She was 10 and had lost her Daddy. I'm nearly 34 and can't imagine losing either one of my parents. I'm hoping just hugging her back was enough to help until her friends arrive. They truly are the only ones who can relate to each other enough to say "I know".

Heartbreaking! However, as I told someone else this weekend...it's work that I treasure doing because it's what I would want for my family, friends and myself if, God forbid, the ultimate were to happen.

Most of the time the atmosphere is energetic, bubbly, and full of surprise rather than concentrating on the reason why they all are there. That fact is acknowledged, but this weekend is to celebrate the children and keep a magical spirit for Christmas and holidays alive during such a difficult season.

Whether it's emotions or the Holy Spirit- my cup runneth over and these moments are not easily forgotten.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Oh, Frog Blog...how I've missed you! I should take more time to tell you what's been going on. This post will be a short recap as well as a recent discovery.

The last year has been a whirlwind of change and emotion for me. It has been a lesson in standing up for myself which is harder for me than anything. I find it so easy to embrace others in all their forms, but doing so for myself seems like a tall, tall mountain.

I am locked in the house for the second day in a row due to #Icemageddon2013. Cabin fever drove me to watch The Vow and chance that my tears would freeze on contact to my cheeks. What an amazing love story! What I love most of all is that Leo never pressures Paige to remember or be anything she isn't. He is patient and even removes himself from the situation because he sees that it isn't what she wants. Wow!

I am a year into my MBA program with another tough year ahead of me. The program has taught me a lot already. In fact, I have become aware that I'm pretty bratty when it comes to things being tough. I have been bad about giving up, quitting or pulling away at times like these rather than pressing on. It's important for me to continue things that are important to me even if they are tough or I am running into a wall. I have also learn that I fiercely apply myself once I make up my mind to do so.

I had the opportunity to be a bridesmaid for a dear friend in October. I was thrilled to be a part of it! I have also started working more with SheNOW. In fact, I am the Social Chair for the organization- planning and organizing social, educational, Bucket List and service events for the group. I am extremely thrilled to be a part of that because of the growth I can experience, all the networking and social interaction with other strong women. In fact, the CEO, Brenna Smith, challenged me to experience my friends wedding as a single woman so that I could eventually write (or contribute to) an article about it. I have enjoyed being a part of a group where the women challenge each other to experience things that might be uncomfortable but encourage growth. Growth is never easy, but I do think that it is necessary and beneficial.

I am still volunteering with Soldier's Angels and Snowball Express. In fact, this coming week is Snowball Express 2013! I am excited to be a part of it again this year! My Soldier for 2012 and most of 2013 just made her way home so it's time for me to adopt another.

I always keep a lot on my plate, but I also do a pretty good job about keeping it all organized and allocated to certain amounts of time. Some people ask me how I can do so much: work, grad school, volunteer, date and still have friends and family. I just do! If you want to see how, be a part of my life. Those who haven't wanted to see, haven't become a part of it. Another realization is that men are more intimidated than ever when I divulge that I'm in grad school. Brenna and I discussed why this could be. I always thought that having more education would be impressive and make me appear even more dynamic. Some may feel inadequate by it. Sure, it's not for everyone. I don't ask that of everyone in my life or even a man. I just ask that he have goals that he has set, accomplished and plans to in the future. If he's only graduated high school yet has a dynamic and robust life full of opportunities, that sounds amazing! Conversely, he can have a PhD and expect me to be subservient then I'm not in.

This is me- all of me. I will be loved, honored and cherished. Until someone else decides to, I will.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

I know why I feel so uncomfortable and impatient when the guy stops texting or calling! I don't have the control. Many times I have been the one to stop texting of calling because I felt there was no way he could not know why I was upset or didn't care to speak with him. So people don't always know what you're thinking? They don't always see eye to eye? Shocking (sarcasm)!!

t seems harder to get over when I don't have the control or answers. That makes sense

So, here's the question-do we owe each other a reason or answer? Similar to a dating report card. It's feedback that they (or I) can use or not use. Sure, it might sting to hear, but might also encourage growth or reveal a pattern. It definitely would supply closure. Would dating be easier with an exit interview?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Earlier in the week, I noted that I miss when my Papa used to ask me "How's your love life?". I would giggle and tell him I didn't have one. When I first fell in love, I could finally answer that question.

Shortly before my Nana passed away, I started wearing one of her rings on my right ring finger. I placed that ring in her casket the day we buried her. To this day, when I am disappointed or upset by a guy that finger aches.

I like to think that she is either comforting or warning me, possibly both.

This week, I felt both feelings. Euphoria from being treated so kindly and an aching in my finger from disappointment. They have been a great reminder of my love for my family as well as the notion that small things like sayings can make the biggest impact. We never know when those memories will come back and comfort us.

I prefer the euphoric feeling of course. I tend to trust face value. I get swept up in feelings quickly. I bet that my love language is words. They can either tear me down or build me up. I place a high value on them. That's the funny thing about words, too. They can be said without truth, logic, or action and still be held with great regard for some. Others take time for them to be shown. At times, I wish I were more of a gift or action love language, but that wouldn't be authentic either.

All I know for certain is that I am single because I do not invest more time than is needed once I feel disappointment. Especially if it is not actively being fixed. One of my biggest pet peeves is being ignored. I tend to worry that something has happened most of all. Then, i worry that something has gone wrong. After that, i just start getting upset and angry. Once I'm there, the thrill is dampened.

I am a great girl with a lot of things going for me. I make myself, my family, and friends happy. I will make a lucky man incredibly happy one day.