Old age parents - intolerance, hoarding etc. Any suggestions?

My father is 87 and my mother is 80. They live in Pakistan on their own. There is help in terms of cooking and cleaning but my father relies totally on my mother for everything. He has had 2 strokes and he has become very intolerant. He hoards things, their bedroom is a mess and he sleeps all day and then awake all night. He wouldn't let any other help inside the house and wants my mother to do all work. Whats the best way to change his outlook? I live in London and am in constant guilt for not being there to take care of my parents. Its just too difficult to relocate and find a similar kind of job there. I am still trying. Would be great to get views from the readers as I just cant figure out what to do.

Answers

Thanks for your responses. There is a lot of help for the household but my father has some issues around his privacy. He just wouldnt let any carer apart from my mother enter the bed room. Because of his past two strokes he doesnt like to dine in the dining room and instead wants everything on his bed side. As such my mother has to keep attending to all his needs..Even if he needs a glass of water she has to walk to the kitchen to get it.

I am the only one whom they have always relied for help and I am an investment banker by profession living in London. There are days when everything seems normal when I speak to my mother but then there are days when I hear her depressed voice on the phone. This is really nerve wrecking for me and I just cant figure out how to fix and make their lives better.

cwillie - you are right...my father has become very dominating. My parents relationship has always been excellent and they have been married for almost 60 yrs now but now I notice that their relationship has deteriorated a lot.

vegas lady - you are right I guess the best that I can do from here is to try to add more help on the fringes...I did try to bring them to London but they dont like it here at all. After only a month they just wanted to go back to Pakistan.

I imagine that your Pakistan is very patriarchal and your father's opinion counts more than your mother's, or am I just buying into a stereotype? Either way there is really nothing you can do from so far away other than to encourage your mother to bring in as much help as she can and to get respite away from home as much as possible. Are there other family members close by who could help her?

What ideas does your mother have? Do they want to remain in Pakistan? He may not like others in the house to help out, but what can he do about it if there is more help for your mother? Is the help your mother needs the physical hands on care of your father?

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