Ah, that familiar repetitive question asked by so many excitable children on so many long journeys and listened to by so many loving parents all around the planet. Those four little words – cute and slightly amusing for the first ten minutes – that are guaranteed to eventually grate on your nerves and lead you to wonder if you could indeed get away with committing murder!

A lot of you good people out there, I would imagine, have no doubt encountered this situation and on reading this blog might even smile a little and whisper, “Yep, I’ve been there Mister Davies!”

There will also be a number of parents/guardians out there who have sons and daughters that have thankfully come of age and no longer travel with them on long journeys because: A) It’s uncool or B) They have their own cars. For those people, the aforementioned, incredibly irritating, phrase ceases to be and at last, they can carry on with their lives in relative bliss. They can jump into their cars, smooth on their hessian-backed driving gloves, play the kick-ass tunes of Roger Whittaker to their hearts content and push the pedal to the metal, safe in the knowledge that the question – Are we there yet? – will no longer be asked of them. Hallelujah and rejoice for you all have served your time well. Live long and prosper!!

Now. To those readers who still have young children of speaking age and are in fact being subjected to this phrase, I will say this. Bear with it and put those murderous thoughts to the back of your mind because there will come a time when it will eventually end. Like a hacking cough, a banging headache or an intimate rash, it will end …

… unless, of course, you’re me!!

Because folks, if you’re me – a man whom by rights should be way past having to hear that sort of mind-numbing repetition – you will continue to be subjected to the are we there yet? phenomena but on a much larger scale. Huge. A scale that is so intense, one can almost imagine taking one’s own life just to ease the assault on your senses.

And unfortunately – as if to compound the penance I must pay for whatever wrong I have done in life – I have not one but two sources from which this woeful pestering comes!

Is it from your own children? I hear you cry.

No dear friends, it is not, as my daughter now fits into example (A) shown above.

Conversely – which makes it slightly worse – the Japanese mind torture comes not from children, but from beings of the adult-ish variety!

The first offender – and on this occasion I shall not reveal the culprit’s name – normally appears late at night when I should be in the land of slumber, tap, tap, tapping away at my brain until I am worn down to a submissive pulp that will agree to anything; which is why I am now writing this blog!

Satisfied Imp?

The second culprit, who also believes that I have nothing better to do than sit around waiting for their demands, is my elderly neighbour, Norma.

Now, the very fact that I have used the term elderly might make you think that I’m a horrible person, rotten to the core, who should be ashamed of himself for not wanting to help the elderly in their time of need?

And to those who are harbouring that understandable thought in their minds, I say this … Sod off. You come spend a day at my home pretending to be me and see how you feel after the constant texts and phone calls asking: Are you busy? Are you busy? Are you busy?

This, I concede, is not proof of mental (and sometimes physical) persecution but over the next couple of blogs that I do for thelamaison, I will introduce you all more formerly to Norma the neighbour and tell of the tasks she has me doing on a regular basis; tasks, ladies and gentlemen that have almost driven me to the point of insanity and have me doing things like this:

So until next time readers, keep safe, be patient with your children, love the elderly and pray – to the almighty above – for the salvation of my mental stability.

Best wishes.

Paul.

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Hi all

I told you recently that an International best selling author had agreed to write some guest posts for our website. I also told you that he was very busy and may not have time to write for a while so imagine my surprise when I received an introductory post from him two days later! Not only had he written the post for us but it was also his birthday! That’s dedication for you!

Alack and Alas (bit of the Bard there for you) I have been unable to publish said post due to ongoing technical problems with our website, so…….

When he saw the thumb screws in my hand Mr Davies agreed that I should post his scribblings on my website.

It’s not often that a writer goes to the trouble of describing what he is wearing whilst writing but this particular author is obviously a fashion icon as you will discover from his post so, without further ado (bit more Bard for you) grab yourself a coffee, settle back and enjoy the first guest blog from PA Davies:-)

It’s 8am on the morning of 24th October 2016, it’s my birthday and I am … oh, thank you … and I am … yes, I love you too, thank you … and, I am sitting here looking a little like death warmed up.

I am unshaven, unwashed and my attire consists of an ill-fitting brown t-shirt – the bright gold letters on the front proclaiming that I was indeed the Moustache Growing Champion of 2011 (see photo) …

… some incredibly old black shorts and a pair of fine and distinguished looking socks. Again, see the attached photo!

Yes, I’m aware that it’s some way off Christmas but that’s the way I roll people.

Hit the expectant person with the totally unexpected! … is what I always say.

Okay. In all honesty? I’ve never actually used that phrase before in my entire lifetime but you know what? I like it. I made it up and I like it and from here on in I’m gonna use it a lot more. After all that’s what authors do: They reheat, re-use and re-whatever other word starts with re and means, ‘to use again’.

Ah, but I digress and as such, am keeping myself from my fun-filled day of birthday celebrations and present opening – did I mention that it was my birthday today? I did? Okay, no matter.

Anyway, I will forge on and explain the reason for me writing this particular blog, a reason so bizarre and farfetched that even I – an internationally renowned author – struggled to believe it!

For the past few days I have been hounded, cajoled and threatened with horrendous acts of violence which – fearing for my personal safety – has left me with no option but to offer my services – for FREE – and write something for thelamaison.co.uk.

And whom or what has applied this constant pressure and left me with a sense of foreboding and a real fear that harm would be bestowed upon me if I didn’t comply? An IMP! Yes good citizens of the world, you read correctly. A bloody Imp!! An Imp by the name of GongleShanks to be more precise.

But does the craziness stop there?

No it does not!

I have since discovered that the entire entity of thelamaison.co.uk is in fact run (I can’t believe I am saying this) by a plethora of mythical creatures ranging from fairies to elves to some strange critter with tentacles. Oh, and to top it all off – God strike me down if I am lying – there is an actual stick-person involved as well that gives away twigs as gifts!

Now, from my involvement with this team of curious beings thus far, I have subsequently arrived at two conclusions.

I am dreaming the whole thing, am not actually writing this peculiar blog and will soon awaken from my slumber, laugh heartily and mildly chastise myself for eating cheese before bedtime.

OR …

On reaching the seasoned age of 52, I have in fact lost my mind, believe the existence of these beings to be true and will soon have people visiting my home saying there,there, whilst giving me medication and carting me off to a more suitable facility.

For now, however, I am going to believe that it is option one and will therefore continue to write for thelamaison simply because – being a dream and all – I can write what I want, safe in the knowledge that it will be brilliantly captivating and perfectly spell-checked. I can also believe that I am being paid thousands of Great British pounds for my time and will become world famous in no time at all … like I said, I’m running with the dream scenario here!

Okay. So now you know why I have agreed to write the occasional blog for thelamaison.

On a serious note though, I am feeling honoured to have been asked to write for them and would like to thank the team for their belief in my ability to write … as misguided as it is!

I hope that you will find my future blogs – which will encompass snippets of my life and indeed how I perceive some aspects of everyday life – entertaining if not a little thought provoking and I would welcome any comments you feel the urge to make. Please don’t be shy or scared. I’m very approachable; opinionated but approachable … Isn’t that right GongleShanks?

I also enjoy eating out, long walks in the countryside and I’m an absolute demon in the be … oops, my apologies folks. That’s for another site I’m writing on!

Alas, I must leave you all at this point as it would appear that there is some unexpected visitor knocking on my door!

I have been speaking to an International best selling author (his words, not mine!) and he has agreed to write some blog posts for our Internationally acclaimed website: thelamaison.co.uk

Granted I did have to use thumb screws, eventually, when my magnetic charm failed to sway him, which leads me to believe that he is a machine; after all NOBODY has EVER failed to be lured by Gongle’s charismatic Megastar quality in the history of the Universe!

To be fair he is very busy writing best selling novels and riding up and down on his neighbour’s stairlift…

Anyway he said he’ll write posts whenever he gets the time – TCH! Anyone would think he’s a Megastar like me to hear him talk. Still he’s a pretty good writer – nowhere near as good as me of course but that goes without saying – so I’m looking forward to seeing what he comes up with.

So I suppose you’re wondering who this renowned author is? Well, I’m wondering if I should tell you or not or if I should just leave you in suspense … which is his trademark incidentally!

Tell you what I’ll do, I’ll give you a few clues and you see if you can guess who it is, okay?

He is the Author of novels: Letterbox, George: A Gentleman of the road, The Good in Mister Philips & Nobody Heard Me Cry, which are available from Amazon in paperback & on kindle and also available on http:// /http://mineeye.co.uk/

Have you guessed who he is yet?

Seriously he IS an amazing writer. I have read a couple of his books and I am absolutely delighted that he is going to be contributing to our website!

Why not pop along and have a look at his website, where you could even buy one of his books just to convince yourself that Gongleshanks is ALWAYS right! Here is a link: padavies.co.uk

I will obviously let you know when his … ahem … ‘masterpieces‘ appear on the website and <Gongle struggles to be humble> erm, thank you Monsieur Davies, we Grimniens are delighted that such an acclaimed writer has agreed to write for us:-)

I ordered a book 10 days ago from a book seller on Amazon and it still hasn’t arrived. Even though I’ve been pacing up and down waiting for the postman every day since I ordered it, only to see Mr Postie walking past my door and whistling happily – which leads me to believe he has pinched my book – this isn’t the reason I’m annoyed.

I was speaking to an author friend earlier today and happened to mention that I was still eagerly awaiting the arrival of my book. What she said to me left me in a state of shock!

She told me that she had just received a royalty payment of 35p from a ‘third party’ book seller on Amazon from a book with a retail price of £9.00. My friend is a bit of a joker so I initially thought she was having me on.

But then she went on to tell me that she once did a book signing for Waterstones and for every book sold on the day she received £1 and Waterstones received £3 but she had to wait SIX MONTHS for her payment!

I asked her what percentage she received from Amazon and she said that it ranges from £1 to £1.50. for a book with a retail price of £12.99!

Now call me naive – remember I’m not from your planet – I don’t know much about the business of selling books, it’s mainly Ursula who deals with our online book store, but I was totally shocked by my friend’s revelations. So, authors spend – I dread to think how many hours – writing, re-writing and editing their work and when the proud day arrives to showcase their best seller they receive a pittance whilst the owner of the store gets rich?? I’m still reeling from this news to be honest!

I’ve been with VBL for over four years now and have always known that Grimnien’s vision was brilliant which is why I’ve stuck with him from the beginning, despite several setbacks with the streaming site. Before today however, I didn’t realise what an innovative idea this was! After speaking to my friend I can now clearly see why people would think that http://mineeye.co.uk/ is too good to be true!

Granted, we are not Amazon, but From little acorns…………

The price for authors to join MineEye is currently $2.99 per annum and they get to keep every penny (cent) from their book sales! This seems very fair to me as it is the author who has spent the hours slaving away over that novel, not us!

We are TRULY here to help you, NOT to rip you off!

Please, Please, Please, if you are an author, join MineEye and upload your books. Please, Please, Please tell all your author friends about us and help to spread the word.

Please, Please, Please, if you love to read books, buy your books from MineEye in the knowledge that every penny you spend will go to the author. I PROMISE you we DO NOT MAKE PROFITS, our charges are simply to cover running costs.

Please, Please, Please, tell all your friends to buy books from MineEye because without sales our authors will leave us and go back to advertising on sites where all their hard graft will go to fund lavish lifestyles for the sellers.

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I’ve just had a lovely surprise in the twitterverse post and just had to share it with you. It was written by author PA Davies who has followed us recently. We’ve tweeted about his books a bit and he was so pleased that he wrote about us on his own blog to show his gratitude!

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Just to let you know there were some technical issues with the first broadcast, well I DID tell you it might not work! I am reliably informed that the show is going to be recorded and put on the site soon so you WILL get to see it.

Our technicians are getting smacked bottoms as we speak:-)

Stick with us folks, you KNOW we’ll get there in the end. I must go now as I have the job of cleaning Morton’s popcorn off the floor………and his slime off the seats, TCH!

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You may have seen some tweets going out from the Grimniens about VoiceBoxLive (our new streaming site) I say this with my toes crossed but……the site is finally ready to launch!! (WHOOP) We have a show booked on the 30th August so if you are already a member log in and book your seat!

The show is booked from 8pm until 8.30 pm and is a classical pianist by the name of Gabriele Taranto. As this is the first show that has ever been broadcast from VBL in the history of ever I am advised that it is ‘experimental’. In other words you may experience some problems methinks! But that is half the fun surely? Watching it grow and develop and being there from the start!

Incidentally for all of you who have already joined VBL you will be pleased to know that you have been upgraded to lifetime members as a reward for your patience! You will never have to pay a yearly subscription ever again in the history of ever:-)

For anyone who doesn’t know, membership to the site is a laughable £12 per year and for that you can watch as many shows as you like and also broadcast as much as you like! The fee is simply to help towards the running costs.

Hopefully, this time it will work and there will be no more hold ups (toes crossed again)

You may also have noticed me tweeting quite a lot about a poet by the name of Oliver Moran. My people are in talks with his people and we are hoping he is going to perform his wonderful poetry in the future on VBL. If you haven’t heard his incredible story you can read Paul’s blog post here:padavies.wordpress.com/2016/08/14/oliver-moran-the-story-continues/… Paul is the man who discovered Oliver and helped him get published. He is also my new best mate and I think he’s an alien too because he has a pointed head…………either that or he’s a policeman in which case I better behave (cough) cos I don’t want to land in prison……again! I am also putting a link to Paul’s latest blog post here as it contains a link to the news report – which brought a tear to the eye of ol’ Gongle but don’t tell the ladies! From newspaper to news item. https://padavies.wordpress.com/2016/08/27/from-newspaper-to-news-item/… via @padavies_

Finally, I am going away to my private island in a few days, yes even imps need a break! I know how much I’ll be missed but I won’t be worried about all you lowly humans when I’m lying on my beach being fed grapes by my beautiful ladies:-)

When I return I will be cracking the whip and getting that Melodie to start looking for more Hidden Gems for the new series. If you are new here don’t forget you can catch up with us on our website: thelamaison.co.uk

Finally PLEASE share this post so that everyone hears about the ‘Experimental’ launch of VBL, Ha!

Thw Grimney wizards and elves are still beavering away at updating our virtual theatre and we are now on track for an Autumn launch. Our new team members, K and James R Hahn are also heavily involved with the process and are very excited to be part of it.

Melodie Melia will also be returning later in the year with a brand new series of ‘Hidden Gems’ which – she tells me – will be a monthly feature. She is currently ‘scouting’ for new artistes to interview so stand by your beds!

Don’t forget you can always catch up with us by visiting our website: thelamaison.co.uk There are links in there to all our various ventures as well as information about the team, there is also lots to entertain you from poetry and art to music – including a page dedicated to all our ‘Hidden Gems’ from series one.

Gongle is recruiting!…………. I am looking for two or three bloggers who would like a regular slot on the above website. There is NO PAY…..before you start asking, just the Kudos of working for a great Megastar:-) If you are interested please send your ideas to Gongleshanks@hotmail.co.uk

Please note there will be no Steve Luff show for the next two weeks but ‘The Luff’ will be back on the 12th August with lots of great music and banter!

Can I respectfully request that people stop gathering round my car and taking photographs? It is most annoying when I’m trying to quietly go about my daily business incognito!

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After meetings with Grimnien I am pleased to tell you that James R. Hahn and K Hahn are joining the Grimnien team. They have seen our new site working and were so impressed that they were keen to get onboard and support our venture! They are working with our technical director to make some changes to the site which will hopefully be ready to launch later this summer.

For those who haven’t seen it, below is a Press release which has been put out by James and K.

We are delighted to welcome James and K into our little family. More news soon!

Kirsten manages Robb Murphy, a lovely lad and a great songwriter who is featured in our ‘Hidden Gems’ series. She was prompted to write the blog after receiving a comment from someone advising her that:

“…you have the wrong understanding of how the music business works”

Some of the points Kirsten made in her blog resonated with me. I will put a link to her blog at the end of this one so that you can read it in full but it got me thinking that much of what she said in her post applies to what we Grimniens do on Twitter.

I think it’s fair to say that none of our team are ‘experts’ at what we do but we are learning as we go along. The main thing is that we do what we do because we have a vision and a passion for the arts and artistic people and as Kirsten says:

“The only thing that really matters is to do what you love, do what brings you energy, do what makes you feel good, do what you’re good at and become better. (This counts for anyone, regardless if you’re a musician/artist or not.) Don’t take any of the negative things happening personal. Just move on and surround yourself with people who motivate you, work with like-minded people and stay true to yourself.

Keep doing your own thing, do what feels right. Try new things and always keep in mind with everything you do that it’s always better to try and fail than a couple of years later thinking ‘What if…’ Believe in yourself, trust your instincts and never give up on what you love doing.”

That sums up (quite eloquently) our ethos. We are all like minded people, we believe in ourselves and we will never give up because we love what we are doing!

Yes, I’m sure we’ve made mistakes along the way and I, being a ‘very cheeky imp’ have also received ‘advice’ from a few folk but in general our followers tend to stay with us and also have faith in what we are trying to do.

One problem I find with having so many followers is that I tend to lose touch with people unless they actively keep in touch with me. I have just been chatting to a member of the team who commented that there is “so much talent out there” I have been astounded by just how many talented folk there are ‘out there’ since I arrived on this planet but I firmly believe that all creative people deserve a chance to be seen and heard and that is why we are here!

We try to highlight as many people as possible and will always retweet our followers’ tweets so if you have something you want retweeted don’t be shy! Send your tweets to one – or all of our team and pop in and have a chat whenever we are around. Remember we are here for YOU.

If you still aren’t sure who the team members are we are all listed on our website:thelamaison.co.uk