Mayor of London: the super rich are being bullied

In what must be making Mayor Michael Bloomberg pump his fist and whisper-shout “yeah” in his Egyptian marble foyer, London Mayor Boris Johnson recently wrote an editorial for The Telegraph in which he bemoaned the ‘bashing’ of the super rich.

Mr. Johnson may be best known to American audiences as the mayor with the weird hair who got stuck on that zip wire.

He begins with an admission of “benign bewilderment” of one-percenters, though he’s quick to mention that it’s not out of distaste, writing “I neither resent nor disapprove of such zillionaires; quite the reverse. I just wonder, a bit, what it is like to be so stonkingly rich, and I wonder – as the restof us have wondered down the ages – whether you can really expect to be any happier for having so much dosh. I suspect that the answer, as Solon pointed out to Croesus, is not really, frankly; or no happier than the man with just enough to live on.“

In simpler terms, Mayor Johnson, after a moment of reflection on whether the extravagantly wealthy are happier than the rest of us, came to the same conclusion American philosopher Christopher George Latore Wallace came to in 1997, “mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

It’s because of this, Mr. Johnson suggests that we should “stop bashing the rich,” and instead offer them “humble and hearty thanks.” Ok. Thank you, Donald Trump, for having so much money! Wait, maybe we’re jumping the gun. Let’s see why we’re going to thank Donald Trump first. Mr. Trump, please give us back our thank you. We will give it back in a second, we’re sure.

Mayor Johnson provides figures to back his opinion, pointing out that England’s 1%, a population of roughly 29,000 people, pay 14.1% of all taxes and then mentions that they’re always “the first target of the charity fund-raisers.” He calls out all those uncomfortable with so few people having so much money, which would look like at least 10 times the giant stack Huell took a rest on in Breaking Bad, and sticks up for the rich, saying they are “brow-beaten and bullied and threatened with new taxes.”

He then goes on to praise the tycoons he’s met, saying they’re great at math and science, have a lot of confidence, as well as good fortune and that instead of bemoaning their wealth we should encourage today’s youth to follow their example, “We should be helping all those who can to join the ranks of the super-rich, and we should stop any bashing or moaning or preaching or b****ing and simply give thanks for the prodigious sums of money that they are contributing…”

Billionaires everywhere must be rejoicing that a politician, for the first time in human history, is standing up for the wealthy. Finally, after years and years of the poor and middle classes being spoiled rotten by systems of governments, enthusiasm for obscene amounts of money is shining on through. How HONESTLY SURPRISING THAT A POLITICIAN LIKES RICH PEOPLE AND THEIR MONEY.