Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

Chronicles of Chill: The Yar Curbian Delayment and the Neduskian Detainment

The Chronicles have been revealed unto man that he mayest learn from the passage of time, for time like an ever rolling circular stream bears all its sons to repeat themselves. Thus, as electoralis was deferred at the beginning and end of Gejoshaphat’s quadrannium, was it also deferred as Gambrach and Arty Cool contended for the Iron Throne of Boo Jar.

Yea, was there great unchill, even from the Lovengers, who surely would have proclaimed it the greatest deferment in the history of postponements under normal circumstances.

Wherefor Shomolek, Head of House Apicuria, remonstrated strongly with Ser Yar Curb, who had succeeded Jegatrix the Man of Chill, as head of the Necomongers, umpires of electoralis across the 37 kingdoms.

“What the gaddem heck dost thou believe thyself to be doing? Yea, even as Lateefus Kayodexicus demandeth, ‘what kind of job you doing’? Now I am forced to be away from the castle next week, when I had plans to be with my sweet baby girl. Let me ask ye, Ser Yar Curb, if it were thee, wouldst thou not prefer to be with my sweet baby girl than standing out in the sun? Lo, I am violently pissed off against thee!”

But Yar Curb invoked the spirit of Jegatrix and maintained his composure and answered Shomolek not. “People of the 37 Kingdoms, the Necomongers have suffered great sabotage and violent attacks, laying waste to our best laid plans. But fear ye not, I have conceived an ultramodern grand masterplan to right it all within seven days. Yea, like the ancient Greek prophet Craigus Davidus foresaw in his most famous tome ‘One Week’, I too shall go back to work on Monday, send out 40 ravens on Tuesday, sort out voting parchments by Wednesday and on Thursday and Friday, vote Saturday, chill on Sunday, Selah.”

Lo, the unchill was yet severe, for many had voyaged long distances to participate in electoralis, for the Necomongers were not possessed of sufficient sophistication to re-enlist the citizens whenever they relocated. Many had carefully arranged weddings and funerals to avoid the unchill of electoralis and now, even they were foiled. For the Kingdom was not possessed of sufficient sophistication for the citizens to vote in normalcy. And yea, it was in that day that the spirit of Exitus Canadius descended again most mightily amongst the people, tempting them with dreams of icicles and frosted breath.

Behold, as unchill swirled, was a cry heard from the Kingdom of Dunamis, where Lord El-Farquaad reigned. It was a cry from none other than Lord El-Farquaad himself. “Agony! Wailing! Gnashing of teeth! We stand in the cold blood of our three score and half dozen Fulannister brothers who have been murdered in Jurkan! Tis a tragedy!”

And yea, the unchill in the kingdom waxed stronger.

Lord El-Farquaad continued, “Now, I know that I have previously warned Tywinnically and Tyrionically that the life of a Fulannister is a loan and Fulannisters will always collect their debt. However, I beg of my Fulannister brethren this time to write it off as a non-performing loan. No need to collect, please dear.”

But Ser Din Kallus, a man of expertise in the law and Warden of the Kingdom’s Civicus Council had sent ravens to Jurkan to verify the Farquaadian claims and none of the Jurkanian meisters could verify the deaths. Wherefor he came unto the people, and the Social Medianites and the Twillistines to enquire, “Doth Lord El-Farquaad seek to foment and be starting something? Yea, have I spoken to the people of Jurkan and nary a person seeeth what the king claimeth.”

And yea did the unchill in the kingdom wax stronger.

Thus it was that the Twillistines beheld another unsettlement from Startuppitytomia, in the Technophilia region of Social Mediana. Technophilia was a gated community, where a group of people known as the Flounders had assembled to save the 37 kingdoms by means of the ancient art of technosis. The Flounders acquired wealth by wrestling angels from the realms of glory, as the biblical Jacob did, to bequeath them investment wealth seeds.

One such flounder named Neduski Marikov, who had joined Technophilia from faraway Wasrav, had cried out to the Social Medianites of his expulsion from Startuppitytomia by his heavenly investor.

“Behold, I departed from my princely estates in Wasrav to fix the image of thy kingdoms and I wrestled with my angel and he blessed me. And lo, I built things beyond anyone’s imagination using my special mastery of technosis. But because of my flowing hair, fair skin and alien accent, my angel and his posse flagged me on the Galactopol wanted register and I was locked up (they didn’t let me out) locked up (they didn’t let me out) locked up, wooooooooooooh! But now I’m out, I shall write it all in a tome and use the money to build an outreach centre known as the Neduski Marikov Centre for Kids Who Don’t Technosis Too Good.”

And there was no chill in Startuppitytomia as other Flounders and their builders rebutted the Marikovian account. Stannis Boyejius of Mandela and Utterbrave was the first to respond, saying “Tis a shame thou wert locked up (they didn’t let you out). Tis also a shame how thou frolicked away thine angel’s wealth, my guy!”

Yea, did Woyicus of the Righting Racks also refute with great gusto. “Dude, thou didst thy technosis with dualisation which ye didst not reveal to the angels and the heavenly host. Thy Galactopol penitentiarisation be on thy head!!!”

And all across the land, in Boo Jar, in Social Mediana, in Twillistia, in all the 37 kingdoms and yea, even in Startuppitytomia, there was no gaddem chill!!!