Steve Mason

Steve, cheer up buddy. Just because you lost the game for us in the last two minutes doesn’t mean you have to be nervous about your job security.

Thanks Ron. Tough one last night.

Yep, exactly. Would have been much better if you had been able to shuffle your fat ass across the crease to stop the world’s slowest wraparound attempt. But yeah, don’t worry about it.

Ron? You ok?

No no, really, just don’t worry about it and focus on the next game and how you’ll blow it for your hard working teammates and how you’re forcing me to drink more than I want to and spend more time on the phone looking for a goalie who can stop the GODDAMN puck.

It’s just one goal Ron, I’ll do better next game.

I should slash you right across those weak hamstrings of yours, you piece of garbage.

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal, Philadelphia Flyers?! You have the top two scorers in the league, yet you’re floundering around in your division worse than Rob Konrad in the Atlantic Ocean! If Bobby Clarke were still the GM, you know he would have traded Claude Giroux for Martin Brodeur and Al MacInnis by now to “change the attitude” of the team.

But what is the deal with this Rob Konrad guy? Sure, you allegedly “fell” off your boat trying to reel in a fish, just like Michael Richards said he allegedly told those people in the comedy club they had “chiggers” in their hair. It just doesn’t add up! One jellyfish sting and you would have sank to the bottom of the ocean, something’s not right here!

Does anyone believe this story?! What’s the deal?! 17 miles in the ocean and you’re able to swim to shore with just a mild case of hypothermia? That’s like Jason Alexander snorting an 8-ball of coke and arriving at the hospital with just a mild case of brain damage, it just doesn’t add up. What’s the deal?!

Come on Flyers, try to string together a few wins before one of your defensemen or goalies get hurt again. What’s the deal with these fragile professional athletes getting hurt every two seconds?! Steve Mason kicks his leg out for a save one minute, and the next he’s flopping around on the ice like a clubbed baby seal.

The Rob Konrad story reminds me of a Seinfeld episode Larry David pitched me once that never saw the light of day. It was going to center around myself, Elaine, Kramer and George enjoying a cruise from Long Island to the Bahamas, until Kramer convinced the captain to let him guide the ship into port because he had a better route and ran us all aground on a coral reef. Well, 2,000 souls perished in the episode, including George, and just left the remaining three on a life raft with the bloated corpse of Costanza to keep us company.

I kept telling him that we couldn’t kill off a main character, but he told me it wouldn’t be retconned. I still don’t know what that means.

David never did finish the script, though he did allude to Elaine buckling first and succumbing to cannibalism. He wrote a harrowing scene of her doing little kicks in a life raft, eating George’s detached foot with blood running down her face…It was a bit of a downer on second thought, but still would have been better than the finale.