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8.31.2015

i've been spending a lot of time with my friend lately. we have a weird relationship. we're best friends, we sleep together, we sleep with each other-- you'll have to decide which of those is the innocent one for yourself-- but we're not a thing. still, regardless of the nature of our friendship, it's a pretty solid one. i appreciate it for the same reasons i appreciate my friendship with waterbear. it's not just that there's a genuine level of respect but it's also that there's actual concern for the other person. that's what real friendships are, i'd like to think. relationships with other people that make you feel okay being yourself (as much as you ever could) around them because you know you don't have to be someone else for them to care about you. you know? but i digress.

we went to six flags yesterday, with his friends. i can't stress this enough. they're definitely his friends. i don't know these people. the groupings were essentially like this: me and him, a couple engaged to be married (they met on tinder a few months ago and decided to tie the knot, but who am i to explicitly judge?), a couple that should be engaged to be married (since they were probably the only pair i had no quarrel with), and a trio that was basically a douchecanoe and his two girlfriends (or as i referred to them yesterday, ketchup and mustard). six flags is fun, i'm sure, as long as you don't have problems being around large groups of people for extended periods of time like i do. my defenses were pretty high from that alone. add on the fact that the only person i really knew was my friend, so i did feel a little left out. (what can i say? i'm a simple kid.) but then take all of that and boil it in a vat of crap called them. whoever said hell is other people was right.

i have pretty low self-esteem. i can say low now because i finally have some. (about time.) i constantly take comfort in the fact that no one will ever hate me as much as i hate myself. being mean to yourself makes being nice to other people easy. being mean to yourself makes it amusing when other people try to be mean to you. but as with almost everything, there's a point where it's just not okay. if i heard voices outside of my head that sounded like the voices inside of my head, it wouldn't end well. let's just say that.

this group of friends, minus two people i had no problems with, were like a pack of hyenas. being around them all day and watching them basically mock my friend for hours put my defenses at an all time high (for a group outing). at one point, his glasses flew off when he was on a roller coaster. kingda ka, to be exact. named after a tiger and equally fear inducing. he was naturally upset. you would think they would have the decency to lay off him for a few moments but, as they were primitive creatures, they tore into him with even more enthusiasm than before. the whole time i just thought to myself, i am really glad i'm a neutral party here. normally, i prefer if people don't ignore me but i really just hope they forget i exist. if this is the way they treat someone who's been friends with them for years, not only do i not want to be a part of this, but i also really don't even want them to dislike me. it was disgusting.

loyalty beat discomfort, though. i had to defend my pal. even though they didn't stop treating him like shit until essentially twenty minutes before we left, i'm pretty sure they'll think twice about doing it in front of me again. everyone who offended him got a low blow from me in return. (i felt like scrappy doo at one point. or a shadowboxer.) it's not that they spent every minute of the day being crude but that he was basically the scapegoat of the crew. not cool. not cool. i don't think it's healthy for him to be friends with them but according to him, they have history. i wanted to say, so do my mother and i, but you don't see me trying to keep her around for that reason. but you know what they say. keep your friends close and possible genetic clones of hitler closer.
i have a little more respect for myself thanks to this ordeal. while i may not be the greatest person on earth, at least i treat people with some kind of decency. also, i didn't back down. i walked into the middle of a pack of hyenas and stood my ground. i'm a certified bad ass.