Sunday, November 30, 2008

From the first time I ever set foot into a gay bar, I wanted one of my very own. I loved the thumping bass and the light show. I even DJ'ed for a while, long time ago. I just love the excitement. So far it hasn't happened, though I once did a business plan for my father to look over in hopes he would help with financing. He isn't one to take risk, so there went that idea. Even though I no longer go out, I still entertain the idea of owning and operating one. I've done lots of research into the cost associated with setting up a bar (besides spending most of my 20's in one). The huge dance clubs are horribly expensive. The lighting and sound systems are expensive, especially when you need the "wow" factor to draw a crowd. Stock and bar equipment aren't that bad. The interior finish can also run a pretty penny. If I scale back on my dream a little bit and only do a local watering hole type of bar, the expense drops dramatically. All you really need is an upgrade of an off the shelf sound system and a theme for the decor. The middle of the road is a male strip club. It is similar to the local watering hole concept. However you do need to add a stage or platform, and upgrade the light and sound systems. I've actually worked the numbers on all three types. The break even point for a club if you manage your expenses and don't go overboard with the start up cost is less than 2.5 years. Payroll doesn't need to be a budget buster because most of the staff is part time and have full time employment with benefits elsewhere. The return on the cost of liquor stock is very high. The other big expense is operating capital. You need to include a minimum of 3 months expenses, I include 6 months worth to safe. The utilities aren't too bad. Advertising is a huge chunk. Promoting your business and keeping it adaptable to the market is paramount in a successful operation. I've tinkered with this for years. I've sketched out floor plans, even looked at buildings, called for prices and searched the Internet for equipment and furnishings. At my age now, it probably is a pipe dream, but if I won a lot of money in the lottery, I would do it in some form.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm gonna share a little secret with y'all. I watch porn occasionally, (well a lot actually). I know. I know. Everyone is shocked, appalled, aghast that I would even consider doing such. I just can't help myself. I like to look but only at certain types of porn. Not that real freaky stuff either. Even "normal" porn for the most part isn't that thrilling. I already know how it will end, what position, how many there were. What's the point? Seen it. Done it. I enjoy the hidden cam, the amateur stuff. It's unique and the guys aren't all pumped up gym dollies that you've seen a thousand times before. The thing I find hard to believe is the so called "straight guys" that do all this gay stuff. I realize with the economy the way it is some may really need the money. But come on, some perform like it isn't their first rodeo. I honestly have a hard time believing that they could be offered that much money to make them change their mind about doing another guy. I doubt they have pockets deep enough to get me to do a woman. I understand that it's all fantasy stuff and on that level I forgive them. I know that sexuality is a continuum not an absolute for most people. I certainly have had a few straight guys want to experiment. Of course, being the kind hearted guy I am, I obliged a few. But I seriously doubt any would have wanted it to be recorded. I think I'll just watch them, and stop analysing it. It is what it is. Porn.

It deeply saddens me to hear of the violent attacks carried out by extremist in Mumbai, India. The taking of innocent lives in the name of a cause, especially a religion is a despicable act. I can't fathom the sickness that drives people to commit these atrocities in the name of their God. It is one thing to defend yourself from attack but quite another to actively seek out unsuspecting targets in some religious quest. These people have no soul, no compassion, no decency. Whether they can be brought to justice in a court of man is irreverent. Whomever their God is will judge them. I have read of many religions over the years. I can't recall any that support these type of actions. Extremist are a dangerous lot. They occupy the fringes of all religions around the world even here in America. It is a desperate mind that arrives at the conclusion that violence in the name of any cause is just. To stretch a belief to the point of enacting violence against your fellow human beings is fundamentally sociopathic behavior. The same convoluted logic used by serial killers and mass murderers. I feel remorse and sorrow for the families affected by this senseless act. I hope that they may find some peace.

It wasn't until my mid to late 30's that I realized I was a man. Not that I thought I was a woman. I always referred to myself as a guy, a boy, a dude, or a fella. I wasn't particularly athletic growing up. I did enough normal guy stuff and a few not so guy like things. I was a boy scout, a horrible baseball player, rode bikes, had a dog, etc. My biggest deviation was reading, drawing, and daydreaming. I was more into going to library, checking out books on ancient Rome and Greece or architecture. I would read the dictionary and both entire sets of encyclopedias. I spent time playing with my sister and the two sisters down the street. By the time I was old enough to venture out of the yard to play elsewhere, the boys that lived on our street were in their mid teens. Not exactly playmate material. Most times I was just a loner. I ramble through the woods, play in the barn or playhouse, imagining all sorts of adventures. If I wasn't doing any of that I would be watching the Hardy Boys, or Solid Gold on TV.

I knew I had a penis and that made me a boy. I like, no love, my penis. And many others I've seen. I've never had a desire to be female, or dress like one either. I know how to worked just about every power tool, have driven tractors, dump trucks, painted, changed out light fixtures, landscaped and move furniture. All the manly things. But it wasn't until my late 30's that I remember calling myself a man when speaking about myself. It struck me as odd. So being the inquisitive type that I am, I started wondering why and trying to explain it.

Growing up, I wasn't very close to my father. He was always working and was tired and grumpy when he would get home. My grandfather and I were always tight. As I matured, my father became less of a stranger to me. Now we have a great bond, just like my grandfather and me. I had a few male friends that would come over after school, but not very often. For some reason, my mother never liked a single friend of mine. I only recall visiting one friend's house once in my entire childhood. I never had nor went to sleep overs, except once with the boy scout troop, in which my father was there too. He was also the coach of the baseball team the whole four years I played. Probably the only reason I made the team, 'cause I sucked. I went camping several times with my grandfather. Of course once I turned 18, and was working, I was rarely at home. I made new friends, discovered boys, hung out, partied, and discovered what fun having a penis can be. Most of my friends after high school never met my parents. I liked it that way. I guess having grown up the way I did, and being gay, kind of never gave me the "man" self image that most guys form. Just another step in the journey of life. I'm glad I finally became a man.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I hope everyone has enjoyed their Thanksgiving. I enjoyed the time with the family and the food was excellent as always. I ate like I had some sense and didn't go overboard with it like I usually do. The weather here was very nice, in the low 60's with sunshine all day. I can't believe how my niece, nephews and cousins are growing. They're a handsome bunch if I may say so. It sure does make me feel old. I remember when they were all just little babies. Now my oldest nephew is a teenager, my two youngest cousins are in their early twenties. My niece is playing soccer and the youngest nephew is in third grade already. Where does the time go? I was worried about my mother some since this would be the first Thanksgiving without her father, but if she was sad or upset over it, she showed no outward signs of it while we were all there. The older the kids get the easier for me to relate to them. Now their answers make sense and I'm not so worried about saying or doing something wrong around them. I guess if I were around them more, I may have gotten more comfortable earlier on. It amazes me at how smart and savvy they all have become. I don't remember being that insightful when I was at any of their ages. Maybe I was a late bloomer. I'm looking forward to Christmas now and a new year is just around the corner. I sure hope it turns out better than this one has been for the family.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year to gather with family and friends, celebrate with food and traditions. To me, it is those things and more. I have been through many things in my life, both good and bad, of my own doing or circumstance. Thanksgiving to me is when I literally sit down and count my blessings. Even when bad things sometime happen, it can often be a blessing in disguise. A happenstance that gives you a new perspective or ideas, a jolt of creative energy or challenges perceived notions, those are blessings. Anything that make a person grow as an individual, either spiritually, emotionally, physically, or intellectually is a gift. What seems to matter most in life is not how we are blessed but what we do with the blessing. Do we hoard it or share it? Blessings, natural gifts, or epiphanies aren't always a means to financial success or security. Often it more simple and subtle. Maybe you realized you have under appreciated someone in your life. Maybe you discovered a hidden knack for connecting with people in need. Maybe even a monetary windfall of some sort. Now that you have discovered this gift, this blessing, how do you make the most of it? A dream vacation? Padding your nest egg? Funding for a homeless shelter? There are many possibles as to what can be done with any gift. As human beings we seem to have a drive that more is better, but is it? This Thanksgiving, when you count up your blessings, even the little ones, please remember, this year more so than in recent memory, many others were not as fortunate and could use a helping hand. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving tomorrow and truly realizes how blessed they may be.

To all out there in blogger land, if you are traveling for Thanksgiving, I hope you have a safe trip. I would like the wish each and every one of you that have made my blogging experience so pleasurable a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I've been back on my medication now for about a month. I had forgotten how sleepy it makes me. I take it at night before bed, but over in the afternoon, that extended release formula really starts to kick in. For example, Sunday, I went to bed at 12:30am and slept straight through till 10:00am Monday morning, after having a two hour nap that afternoon. I was sleepy all day while helping my father. All I could do was yawn. I use to sleep for seven and a half hours and wake up without an alarm clock. Now I don't even hear it and sleep much longer. I guess its hard to be depressed if you are asleep most to the time. Well, time to go do some stuff for a while. And remember, this blogger is medicated for your convenience.

Monday, November 24, 2008

I can't remember exactly when this incident took place. It has been within the last two years I'm fairly certain. The hanging of two teenage boys in Iran. Their crime; being gay. Was it easier to end their lives with them blindfold, because the crowd couldn't see the life, the hope, the dreams fade from their eyes as they hung there dying? Were the executioners not proud of doing their religious duty so they hid behind hoods? This is the end result of religious intolerance, bigotry, and discrimination when allowed to fester unfettered. How many other lives were cut short because it didn't conform to someones beliefs? In Iran? In Iraq? In America? Across the globe?

The passing of Prop 8, the ensuing exposure of Mormon church documents, the astonished feelings at the backlash toward Prop 8 supporters should alert everyone in this country what is at stake. I have posted before on this. Now more information is available about donors and what groups are involved and to what degree. I feel it is worth repeating.

I do not begrudge anyone their religion, whether I understand it or agree with it. That is their personal belief. I wouldn't dare dream of taking that away from anyone. However, when your personal belief effects the quality of my personal life, then I have a problem. Personal beliefs are just that, personal. They have no place in public policy. Civil rights are for everyone. They should be applied evenly across the population spectrum. My right to marry another consenting adult and live my life accordingly is private. Your right to worship as you choose and live accordingly is a private matter as well. You may exercise your right according to your religion of choice. You can exercise your civil rights however mine are extremely limited. Your personal beliefs should not interfere with my civil rights to be treated equally.

There was a time when the majority of people on the planet thought that the world was flat. It turned out not to be true. There was a time when the majority thought that blacks should be property, shouldn't vote, or marry. It turned out that was wrong too. Just because the majority has a louder voice, doesn't mean the whisper doesn't have value. The purpose of government is to ensure that whisper is heard. That they get a fair share of the American pie. The courts are to enforce what was set forth over 200 years ago to ensure that equality, whether the majority agrees or not. Seperate is never equal.

The danger now is will America become as bad as Iran or Iraq? Will the majority be allowed to stamp out all those who do not share their ideals, their vision, their goals, their morality? Will the government step in as it is duty bound to do and protect all its citizens equally? Will the people understand that what happens to minorities, can happen incrementally to them as well? This November Americans voted for change on two fronts. A new President and Congress with a mandate. The other, the ability for the majority to remove civil rights from a group of taxpaying citizens. Which change takes this country in the direction it needs to go as we face the 21st century head on? Which change shows a true United States of America? It is difficult to be united when part of your citizens are not treated equally.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Like everyone, I'm awaiting the repeal of the military ban on gays. I appreciate Obama's cautious approach to the subject. I'm grateful that we now have a president that can actually say the word gay, without looking like a giggling frat boy. But given the thousands of men and women that were forced out because of DADT, the war on two fronts, the exhaustion of our troops from shorten leave or extended active duty, and lower enlistment numbers, I would think it would be a bit higher up on the list of priorities. I also read that Obama was considering reinstatement of those released because of the ban. I know that politics, regardless of where you stand, is a lot of comprises to achieve your goal. However, given that high ranking military officers and even the troops, not to mention the general public have no problem with gays in the service, should be dealt with as soon as he is sworn in. It could be the first executive order. It benefits everyone to do so. Yes, there will be some dissension within the ranks, but if the troops are true professionals, they will do the job required as ordered. Since lowering the standards for enlistment, this would be a step up to correct that. It is a win-win for all involved and a huge step for equality. Maybe for a change, the United States should follow the lead of some other countries. They seem to be doing a better job at it than we are.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Well, it's Saturday and I'm bored a bit. I'm not one to discuss my sex life, or lack thereof, much, but we all have certain proclivities that either keep ourselves entertained or in trouble. I, despite my near monk status of late, have had my share of strolls on the wild side, mostly thanks to alcohol. It may be just an odd coincidence that when I quit drinking my sexual exploits tanked as well. Alcohol is certainly a social lubricant. It has been in my case. I thought I would list some of my more memorable episodes now that some of the involved parties are no longer here to file suit. I won't give great details or names, just situations that I found myself in.

Once got naked in a bar on a Saturday night that resulted in receiving public anonymous oral sex.

Performed oral sex on the front steps one night.

Danced nude and erect with all the doors and windows open for the neighbors enjoyment.(or dismay)

Arrived naked and ready for action at an old boyfriend's front door.

Drove nude on interstate from Atlanta to Charlotte. (got a few looks, but no takers)

Have interacted with several aroused men on a leather run many years ago.

Played billiards in the nude at a bar and at someones residence.

Have enjoyed many movie clips in adult bookstores when in college the first time.

Ran around the trailer naked and in high heels at night on a dare. (they stick in the mud)

Received oral sex from a customer in a dressing room, while at work. (forgot about this)

Performed an impromptu strip routine for a guy I wanted to impress. (it worked)

Engaged in oral sex at night in a park with a "straight" friend of a friend. (first meeting)

Spent the night with a guy in the back of van in a bar parking lot. (lots of piercing)

Had a drink stirred by a bartender's penis. (interesting garnish)

Danced naked in an intersection late one night. (the flashing lights were like a club)

Walked 3 miles in leather short shorts and a harness at night on a busy highway.

Showed up at a friend's place drunk and without pants in the middle of the night.

That's all I can think of now. Some of these I may make an individual post about in the future. I've had some interesting experiences. There are some things I won't try, but most I'll consider. It would appear that I have an exhibitionist streak.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thanks to all of you wonderful people you have checked out my blog. Over 1,000 hits thus far! over 100 post! I never realized I had so much to say or any one would want to read it. This makes me very happy. It wouldn't be possible without you! Feel free to leave comments or link to this site. Ask questions if you like. Offer suggestions. I'm looking forward to more time with you. There are some truly amazing bloggers out there! Thanks for stopping by!

It's appalling that a 19 year old young man, webcast his suicide. The video streamed for 12 hours, only to stop when the police arrived too late to save him. It was reported by those watching, that while some tried to talk him out of it, others egged him on. A tragic lost to his family, who said he had been dealing with bi polar disorder with medications. His overdose is just a reminder of how sad a state the mental health care is in this country and how serious depression can become. The fact than no one took him seriously until it was too late, shows a sad disconnect to those around us. Granted, he isn't the first to webcast a suicide and I wish it could be the last, but I'm not that naive. The internet is great for reaching out to others, but still common decency and common sense should still prevail. Though it was reported that some didn't take the claim seriously, as he had mentioned it before, any threat of suicide is always a call for help and should be treated as such. Having survived my own attempt at 15, that is one thing I'm truly glad I failed at. I've come to understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Now we need to provide help to those who ask and let them know, that suicide is not the solution. Depression has real life or death consequences.

I'm so glad that today is Friday. This week is about over and so is this month. One day closer to Thanksgiving. Then on to Christmas and New Years. I'm ready to put this year behind me. It has been a rough one.

I took my new camera with me yesterday to take pictures of the remodeling, but was so busy doing things I forget to take pictures. I'm gonna take it with me again today. Maybe it won't be as hectic. The house is coming along splendidly. Still much to do on the outside, but the inside is wrapping up. Just a few minor things to complete. My parents aren't in any hurry to move in. They want to wait till spring. I can hardly wait. Then maybe, we can get started on my house. Well, time to meet my father over there and be all butch like.

The active and play-ful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical out-door activities. The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time

I realize the economy sucks. I realize that things cost more to produce than it once did. I realize letting the car companies go under would be tragic in this economic environment. But really people, the taxpayers have bailed them out before. Did they make a concerted effort to reform themselves the last time? Have they scaled back the offerings, boosted fuel economy, or done a bang up job on hybrids or quality? No, they haven't. They made feeble attempts to placate, not inroads to lower emissions or fuel independence. Granted, they are better vehicles than they once were, but foreign auto makers whip their collective butts at every turn. The sad thing is they could have. We could have had electric vehicles a decade ago and the infrastructure to support them. Why do we not? Short answer greed. The oil industry and the auto makers have been bedfellows for a very long time. The lobbyist, the current administration and others have conspired to keep America addicted to foreign oil and our gas guzzlers. And we as consumers have let them. If the auto industry can't provide what is needed and adapt to the market like other businesses that don't ask for repeated taxpayer hand outs, then let them go under. Other, better suited companies will spring up in their place to supply the market with products. If they want money to subsidize their failure to step up to the challenge in the 21st century, then maybe it is time to let them go the way of the horse and carriage. Where is the accountability? The innovation? The motivation? If we continue with the same products, getting the same results and are no better off, then what is the point in helping them out yet again?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm beginning to think I need to become a monk. Let's just say that if I sprang a wrist or broke my arm, my sex life would be in jeopardy. After my ex and I split, I was without sexual contact for almost five years before giving in. Then having opened the flood gates, I had five or six encounters. Most of it was just not going out and meeting people. Since I had stopped drinking, there was little point in going to bars. Sure, I went out a few times to see what it was like without the influence of alcohol. It was boring and I was uptight. So I stopped. Working in a jewelry store wasn't much help either. Most guys that visited were buying for their wife or girlfriend or if they were gay for their boyfriend. Not a huge choice. I chatted on line and meet a few, but nothing ever became of it. That was where I met the ones it connected with. Now I'm back in the same groove. It's been almost three years since my last sexual encounter with another man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really complaining. My life seems to go much smoother without one. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm supposed to be alone, or even if my ex was the only one for me and no other can come close. I would love to have someone to have that type of connection with again, even without the sex, like I had with my friends that have passed. The familiarity, the sharing of secrets, the closeness that comes from close bonds. I would like to think it is possible. I don't go looking for it. I figure it will happen in its own time, in its own way. I guess that is one of the reasons I decided to blog. Not to find Mr Right, or even Mr Right Now, but to connect with others. Sort of like a surrogate or virtual best friends. I'm very appreciative of your comments and visits. Even if I'm feeling alone here in this small town, I can log in and read the fascinating stuff going on in someone else life. I thank you all for that. Maybe I enjoy porn too much to be a monk.

I'm feeling a little despondent today. I'm sure without my medication it would be worse. With Thanksgiving next week, I realized this will be the first without any of my grandparents around to share it with. While my grandfather was still around, it kinda took the edge off, but with him gone, the emptiness is hitting full force. I can only imagine how my mother must feel about this. The old saying,"The only constant in life is change.", is certainly truer this year. I have experienced more sadness and depression than I can remember. Losing a job, losing a car, giving up another job, caring for my grandfather and then losing him in July, this has been a rough year. Somehow I made it. I still have a home, my parents, my dog, my physical health, school, and a future to keep me going. Even though I lost a lot, I didn't lose everything. For that I grateful. There will still be many things to be thankful for this year. I'm especially thankful for the time I was able to spend with my grandfather. He was always an important part of my life. Giving up a job was worth it. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I guess fall is gone now. It has turned amazingly cold here literally overnight. Monday the temperature was around 55 and sunny. Today, windy and in the 40's. Tonight the temperature is predicted to be 23 degrees! Normally, I'm hot natured, but today, I just can't seem to get warm. I guess I needed time to acclimate to the change. I've worn a wool sweater around the house all day. I dread waking up in the morning. Nothing worse than getting out of warm cozy bed and have your balls slap your chin because of the chill. The furnace has a mind of it's own as well. Sometimes it will click on when it reaches the preset temperature, sometimes it won't. This afternoon, I have had to reset it several times for it to come on. Morning is gonna be a blast. My neighbors and I share a septic tank. I haven't had any problems in my trailer, obviously she has. The park owner sent some guys to fix it for her. In the process, they tore my back yard all to pieces. That frost that forms in the morning will turn to a muddy mess. That's where I take the dog out to do his business. Now it's all lumpy, the grass is gone. There are roots and rocks all over the place. I certainly hope she plans on fixing it. Well, if being cold and having no grass in the backyard is all that is wrong in my life, then I'm doing pretty good.

Back many years ago, when I was around 13 or 14, I had many a close encounter with one of these. I've never been fearful of snakes but I do have a healthy respect for them if even they aren't poisonous. I figured better safe than sorry.

My sister was in the house and my father and I were in the garden doing some weeding. It was summer and as always, all of us were in and out of the house constantly all day. My sister was going back into the house from the garage door into the laundry room. My father and I heard the most blood curdling scream coming from the house. I will never forget it. I thought my sister was being murdered. We threw down our hoes and raced toward the house. I beat my father there but he wasn't terribly far behind. I saw my sister standing in the middle of the laundry room shaking out of fear. She was completely freaked out over something. I asked her what was wrong? She pointed to the corner of the door frame, just in time for me to see about 6 inches of a snakes tail slowly moving behind a chest near the door. She had step on it barefoot when she entered the house. (Well, that would have freaked me out too). By this time my father got there, and I yelled to him to get something to remove the snake from the house. He ran toward the shed to fetch something, meanwhile there was less and less snake to get a hold of. Quickly running through scenarios, I choose to act before it was to late. I reached down and gripped what was left of the snakes tail sticking out from the chest. I yanked as hard as I could, and flung it into the garage. I never will forget how dry the skin felt. I always imagined it being slippery. My father arrived as the snake was trying to slither off. It was huge, about 6 feet long, black, and pissed off. It was a common king snake. My father cut the head off and disposed of it. I felt sorry for the snake. We were concerned that it might return and try it again. If my mother had been there she would have had a heart attack. She is deathly afraid of snakes. So that's my story of grabbing some tail. Ah, the joys of country life.

I spend a lot of time on the Internet, reading blogs, comments, news articles,(maybe too much). I noticed that the backlash against the churches and businesses that back Prop 8 is starting the send shivers up their collective spines. I say "Good". I wish the same as most people that read my blog do, that Prop 8 had passed, and we wouldn't have to be throwing our weight around. On the other hand, I think it did this country good that it didn't. It finally showed those who aren't our allies what is truly at stake in this country. They needed a wake up call, just as we did. The election was a polarizing event. It showed the country who was behind the curtain pulling the strings of government. It showed the ugly hidden agenda of those who wish to shape this country into a theocracy based on some one's religious beliefs. It let the country know that complacency has a price. To not be involved in your government can have dire consequence if let unchecked. The exposure of the Mormon church and the Catholic church in plotting a political course for the country that bases it founding principles on separation of church and state, individual freedoms and liberties was at risk from within, in the name of God. As an American, as a spiritual person, as a freedom loving individual, anyone sharing the same values, should be appalled and enraged by these revelations. Whether gay or straight, black or white, Hispanic or Asian or native American, male or female, or any other group that makes up this great country, we were all assaulted by the passing of Prop 8 and what it represents. United we stand, divided we fall. Now is the time to halt the march of theocracy driven mandates. It will take all of us working in concert, to ensure every citizen is recognized and protected as equals in this country. Anything less would be unAmerican.

I feel like I've fallen behind in my classes. I don't think I actually have, it just feels that way. I guess because the semester is winding down and the pressure is on. I still have a few big assignments coming up that I dread to even think about. The first one is due at the end of this week. I've got to devote a lot of time to it to finish it up properly. I'm not to concerned with grades. I know I will pass the classes even if I put the minimum effort into them. It is a source of pride to always have at least a B average, but I will take anything that gives me credit for the class after being out of school for 25 years. I just need the skill sets they provide. I'm not looking to graduate magnum cum laud or anything. Just give me the certificate and let me be on my way.

Wow! I sure smiled this morning. I've had over 750 visitors to my site! I had no idea people would actually stop by for a visit. I'm so glad you did! I thank each and every one of you. I love the comments. A few have asked questions, which I'm glad to answer, just check the comment sections for them. I would also like to thank everyone that has added me to their blog rolls. I'm honored. This has been a great experience for this country boy! Thank you all so much!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I started my Christmas shopping yesterday. I figured I might as well while I still have a little bit of money left. I purchased for my father, mother and brother in law. I still have to get something for my sister, my niece and two nephews. I'm not spending much this year, not like I really do anyway, but less than I normally would if I were working. I can't believe how quickly this year has passed. It's almost Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here before you know it. I prefer to have it over and done with so I can enjoy the Christmas spirit. I don't think retail will do that well this season. To much uncertainty about jobs, mortgages, insurance, the wars, and the election. I'm sure we will see some more chain stores fail after the holidays. I hope not, but this is the time of the year when the largest portion of their yearly sales comes in. It doesn't look good.

My mother and I went to the Hospice Memorial this afternoon. It honors all those who have passed during the year. My mother cried a little. Surprisingly, I didn't. It was thankfully brief, but a pleasant thing to do to ease the loss. We all sang ''Shall we gather at the river". That was a nice touch. The Chaplin for Hospice spoke and said a prayer.Then we all recited the Lord's Prayer together. I was happy I remembered all the words. They called out the names of the deceased and lite candles for each one. The refreshments were a little sparse, but not bad. It reminded me of when I accompanied my mother to a cancer survivors service at the Presbyterian Hospital many years ago. Overall, it was a somber experience. It reminded me of just how many people in my life they have taken care of in their final moments on this earth. So far 6, and sadly there will be more I'm sure. Hospice is a great organization. I'm proud my parents are so involved with them.

Taken a picture completely naked?YesMade out with someone on your top 8?NoDanced in front of your mirror naked?YesTold a lie?YesHad feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YesBeen arrested?YesMade out with someone of the same sex?YesSeen someone die?NoSlept in until 5pm?NoHad sex at work?NoFallen asleep at work/school?YesHeld a snake?YesRan a red light?NoBeen suspended from school?NoTotaled your car in an accident?NoPole danced?NoBeen fired from a job?YesSang karaoke?NoDone something you told yourself you wouldn’t?YesLaughed until a drink came out your nose?YesCaught a snowflake on your tongue?YesKissed in the rain?NoSang in the shower?YesGave your private parts a nickname?NoEver gone out without underwear?YesSat on a roof top?YesPlayed chicken?NoBeen pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?YesBroken a bone?NoMooned/flashed someone?YesShaved your head?NoSlept naked?YesPlayed a prank on someone?YesHad a gym membership?YesFelt like killing someone?YesMade your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?YesCried over someone you were in love with?YesHad sex more than 10 times in one day?NoHad Mexican jumping beans for pets?NoBeen in a band?NoSubscribed to Maxim?NoTaken more than 10 shots of alcohol?NoShot a gun?YesHad sex today?NoPlayed strip poker?YesTripped on mushrooms?YesDonated Blood?NoVideo taped yourself having sex?YesEaten alligator meat? frogs legs?NoEver jump out of an airplane?NoHave you been to more than 10 countries?NoEver wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?Yes

I woke up early this morning again. I guess my medication is finally kicking in. I seem to be getting back to my normal sleep pattern. I love Sundays. Everything is so peaceful and quiet around here.

This afternoon at 3pm, Hospice is holding a group memorial service for all those that passed this year. My mother ask me to go with her. She is still having a rough time about losing her father in July. I still cry myself occasionally, but I think I'm coping a bit better with the grief. I've lost so many people in my life, maybe I'm getting use to it, if that's possible.

My parents went to the Hospice auction this past week. They are huge supporters. My mother actually retired from Hospice. I use to volunteer, but haven't in a while. It's a great organization. Yesterday when I saw my mother, her arm was terribly bruised. It looked horrible. Seems she fell over something at the auction. I asked was she okay. She said, "Yeah, I'm getting use to falling." She was on some sort of medication that made her wobbly. I think she has since stopped it. She even had the tile guy redo parts of the kitchen floor because she was afraid she would trip and break a bone. That is something I worry about. That's what started it all with my Grandfather; a broken hip. He didn't last but 6 months after that. I don't want that to happen to my parents.

Friday, November 14, 2008

It was really weird this morning. I woke up at 5:30am for some reason, thinking about my ex. I'm not sure why. It has been almost 8 years since we split. I was laying in bed, listening to the dog breathe and the rain on the window. All I could do was reminiscence. It wasn't upsetting, quite peaceful actually, like afterglow. I though about the first time I met him. I had started a new job at a screen printing company where he was employed. It was love at first sight for me. I think it may have taken him a day or two longer to figure it out. I will never forget his pick up line. We were taking a smoke break outside. He had said something about short people. I answered, "Well, I'm 5'8", so I know you aren't referring to me". To which he replied, "I'm 5'11 1/2 and I won't say where the 11 1/2 inches are". Well, I was intrigued. I found out a couple of days later that he was nicely endowed, but not 11 1/2 inches, thank God!

Over the years, we experienced up and downs, like any couple. I try to remember all the good and minimize the bad. I do still think fondly of him, though we haven't spoken in years. We had such a great connection together. We just fit nicely. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was handsome, a little rough looking. No one would ever suspect he was gay. Tall, swimmers build, dark hair and eyes. Very intelligent, an IQ of 160, witty, knowledgeable. We shared many laughs together over those years. He cleaned up well, had manners, and very articulate. When I first met him he rode a motorcycle. Then he purchased a pre-owned BMW 750 and would even let me drive it occasionally. He was almost perfect.

We split, not because we ran out of love, but circumstance. He always was a heavy drinker, from morning till bed time, even before work. He never let it interfere with his work or responsibilities. He would smoke a little pot occasionally, which I didn't approve of, but would share the experience just to be near him. Then it all changed. He started doing coke. He lost his job, that he held for 10 years, because he lost his temper with another employee. He did get another with a florist wholesaler and was doing well. His habits changed. He became an absolute slob. The BMW was so full of trash it looked like a dumpster. You literally had a path from the front door to the bedroom in his apartment. Trash was every where. More than once I helped him clean it up but to no avail. I wouldn't see or hear from him for days, sometimes weeks. I always worried that he had been busted or killed while being at his dealers place. Finally, he was evicted from his apartment when the landlord had to go in and check a maintenance issue. The place was destroyed. I had long since made him come to my place. I couldn't take the filth anymore.

He moved in with me for the last couple of years we were together. He decided he needed to be near his parents in Atlanta to help him sort out his problem. I agreed. There was nothing I could do. I had always been supportive when I could. I always listened to what he had to say. But this problems and the ensuing mess, I wasn't able to cope with. I was worn out emotionally. He loaded up his stuff with his father from my house. He left just before Christmas in 2000. I still have many good memories and I let the bad ones slid.

You are The Emperor

The Emperor is the great authority figure of the Tarot, so it represents fathers, father-figures and employers. There is a lot of aggression and violence too.

The Emperor naturally follows the Empress. Like an infant, he is filled with enthuiasm, energy, aggression. He is direct, guileless and all too often irresistible. Unfortunately, like a baby he can also be a tyrant. Impatient, demanding, controlling. In the best of circumstances, he signifies the leader that everyone wants to follow, sitting on a throne that indicates the solid foundation of an Empire he created, loves and rules with intelligence and enthusiasm. But that throne can also be a trap, a responsibility that has the Emperor feeling restless, bored and discontent.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

With all the election stuff and turmoil over Prop 8, I had forgotten I wanted to post about my parents anniversary! Thankfully, I didn't forget it entirely, just the writing about it. My parents were high school sweethearts, that ran away to get married. After going before the Justice of the Peace, they each went back home to their respective parents, like nothing had changed. My mother's parents were furious when they found out. She was an only child and they had big plans for her. My father's parents were more concerned about if they were to be grandparents soon while still trying to raise 4 other kids. Somehow, they made it through, being as young as they were. No jobs, no credit, no money. Parents that weren't exactly thrilled with what they had done. Like most couples, they had their share of arguments. I remember some of them from my youth. I often wondered why they put up with each other. But, they seem to be perfect for each other now. They have grown comfortable with one another over the years. My mother had some complications that resulted in having a hysterectomy, which was common place back then. Thankfully, they decided to adopt to start a family. Both my younger sister and I were adopted as infants. My sister is blonde haired and blue eyed and I have dark eyes and hair like my parents, even some of the gray now. From the very beginning, I was never concerned with who my birth parents were, nor my sister either. We could have not found better parents. I'm so proud of all the things my parents have accomplished for themselves. Starting with nothing and now being in their retirement quite comfortable. They are the most loving, generous people I know and try to emulate. They have taught me much about life, love, family and charity. So here is to both of you, Happy 52nd Anniversary!!

Let me tell you about my best friend in the world. He is quiet the character. He is a very handsome animal and smart too. I got Izzy when he was 9 months old from a breeeder. He is a German Short hair Pointer. A bird dog basically. He loves to be running around outside. At home, if I'm here, I take him out maybe 15 times a day for a stroll around the trailer. We make 3 or 4 laps and he is ready to come back inside. He is always on a leash with me. I live to close to the highway and he doesn't always listen when he is called. Now when I take him to my parents, he runs free and plays with their little dog. They have more land and are further from the highway. After about 20 minutes or so, he is ready to go. He will run a fast as he can all over the place. I love to watch his ears flop and his tongue laying out the side of his mouth. Just too cute. When my new camera arrives, I hope to get some pictures up.

At home he lays close to me most of the time. Or he will chill out on the sofa while I'm at the computer. When I watch DVDs, he'll lay beside. I'll rub him for hours. He won't move unless I get up. He will even rotate from side to side or over on his back to make sure I rub everywhere.

He also sleeps in the bed, under the covers with me. He puts his head toward the foot of the bed, uses my feet for pillows and butts his but up against me. I use to wonder how he didn't suffocate, but he doesn't seem any worse for wear. Now if we take a nap on the bed together, he will lay beside me on one side or the other, with his head on the pillow. He rarely wakes me up when he moves around. He makes a great bed warmer.

He is just over 4 years old. In great health. Fun to be around. Now that he isn't a puppy any longer, he rarely tears up anything in the house. He lets me know if he really has to go outside for his business. He has the most beautiful gold eyes and a spotted coat that is beautiful. Surprisingly, for a large dog that weights over 70 pounds, he is quite timid around strangers, especially if they try to pet him. He runs toward me. He does warm up after a while but is still cautious. Loud noises scare him whether inside or out. He has the cutest face and sweetest disposition. I love my dog. He's my buddy. I don't know what I would do without him. My life would be so empty. I would be devastated if something were to happen to him. He is my life.

Wow! Five hundred visitors to my little blog! I'm very thankful for each and every one of you! Please feel free to leave me a comment. I'd like to hear from you. Also, feel free to link here if you choose. I look forward to our time together.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It's almost time to register for next semester. I originally wanted a certificate in Database Programming. Now I'm not so sure. With a few extra classes, I could also get a Web Design Certificate as well. I'm not sure either will get me a job in this economic climate, but it beats having only sales experience to fall back on. Vocational Rehabilitation will help with some college courses, so will my parents, the rest is up to me, like actually going to class and finding a part time job. I can also get grants if I can get them submitted in time. I've really enjoyed the Dreamweaver class the most. I think because it's creative. I may could even find a job where I could be a part time web master. That would be cool. I wish I could just win the lottery. It would make school much easier. I'd probably never graduate. There are too many interesting things I like to study. Good thing I'm poor. I need to get the new schedule and set an appointment with a counselor.

I just ordered this little number for myself. I feel somewhat guilty about it being unemployed and all, but I needed a pick me up. I realized a while back that I have no pictures of my dearly departed friends to share on this blog. I never was much into picture taking, but now, I come to the conclusion that sometimes memories aren't always enough. It will be my early Christmas/late birthday gift to myself. I want to document my life in some way. I can use it for class projects as well. I still hated to spend the money, but Best Buy had a 10mp digital camera for under $150.00, I couldn't pass it up. I had thought about asking for it for Christmas, but my family never spends that kind of money on a single gift. My father would for my mother but not me. My sister does on her kids or husband, but not me. I don't have a wealthy boyfriend or benefactor to beseech, so I guess I have to pony up if I want it. The guilt is already subsiding.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Back in the old days, marriage was basically a transfer of property; the female to be exact. It was used to unite kingdoms, transfer or amass wealth. It was between a man and a woman of his choosing or bargaining for, without the woman's consent. If the man could afford more than one wife he was free to do so, whether his current one(s) approved or not. It was between a male and female of any reproductive age, with the male usually being the elder. Marriage was forbidden between the races and faiths. It was always the duty of marriage to produce heirs, if not the man was free to disregard that wife and try with another, whether the fault lay with her or not.

Somewhere down the line things changed. Women developed more voice in who they would marry. Dowries were no longer required to ensure a marriage would take place. Women were no longer considered property of their fathers or their husbands. Couples of different faiths could marry. Couples of different races could marry. Producing children was no longer the sole reason behind a marriage. People understood that love was a better reason to marry, than for money or kingdom or peace.

The most important parts have been very recent events. The right for different races and faiths to marry. Not surprisingly, neither were based on popular votes. The government step in and did the right thing to ensure equality among its people. Yes, many were upset over it and some probably still disagree. Yet, things changes were seen as inevitable by an evolving civilization and necessary to the pursuit of happiness. No one would dare speak of undoing them. It would be unconscionable.

Here in the year 2008, we saw just that. A law that was to provide equality to the people in a state. To make sure that their family, however they choose to define it, was just as protected as everyone else. It was undone by popular vote. The religious leaders chose to make it a moral issue. They have the right to say it is wrong by their standards. No one says otherwise. The problem was they have now forced that belief into law, that has effected a percentage of the states population. Invalidating, a right, the court believed they had based on their interruption of the states law and Constitution. Which is what courts do, by the way. They had hijacked the legislative system to make law out of their belief.

They based this argument on text that is 2,000 years old. In the Old Testament, which according to their own beliefs are only historical at best, and was under the Law of God. They now prescribe to the New Testament, which eliminated all those animal sacrifices and such for sin, because after their Savior died, supposedly, they live under Grace. They based it on religious doctrines that not everyone subscribes to in this country. A step toward theocracy. The claim that marriage is a religious institution was used, forgoing the fact that in the very ceremonies they use, the religious official must state "By the power invested in me by the state of ___", in order for it to be recognized by the government, and convey all 1100 rights, laws, privileges and responsibilities to the new couple. And forgetting to mention that afterward or beforehand, the couple, the religious official, and whatever witnesses are required by the state, must sign a marriage license purchased from the government and resubmitted to make a legal binding contract of the religious ceremony.

I'm sure that was merely an oversight on their part. They didn't really mean to step on the rights of others. To follow their own doctrines of loving one another, tolerance and acceptance and forgiving of sins and not judging another, they could never go against what they preach and hold so dear. It was definitely an oversight. To now allow the things that were once condemn in their Old Testament, the marriage of different faiths and races certainly shows they are capable of embracing change. The simple fact that divorce and remarriage are now allowed is evidence of that. Even marriages that don't produce offspring are allowed to stand and are celebrated. The religious institutions that don't recognize those are in their rights to do so because of their freedom of religion, but most importantly those seeking such unions have other another way of establishing their marriage. Definitely a separation of church and state in that instance. I'm sure as soon as they come to understand these things and pray about them, they will do the right thing. They will ask our forgiveness and offer their support.

And if that is a long time coming, then we have history and case law in our favor. The most recent evolutions of marriage were dictated by the state and federal government. The popular vote doesn't really matter. Sure, it's nice if they understand and approve because it is the right thing to do to fulfill the tenants of their own religion. If not, we are still gonna fight for a basic right that was previously given in the name of equality and the pursuit of happiness.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

There are so many things the Mormon Church could have done with that $20,000,000 besides promote hate and discrimination. That goes for all the churches that were involved in the campaign to eliminate civil rights. God is watching you. He will judge you. In my humble opinion, the churches don't measure up.

Friday, November 7, 2008

My parents have been bouncing around the idea of helping me, (meaning they pay for it), build a house of my very own. This is the front elevation of the plan I chose. Kinda cute huh? My grandfather gave me land 20 years ago, but I've never been able to do anything with it. I never could afford to or so I thought at the time. Looking back, I could have if I managed my cash flow and credit a little better. It is 2.8 acres above his house, which my parents are now remodeling for their own. I desperately want out of this trailer. I've never felt safe in it. Not because it was in a bad area, just a trailer is not very sturdy. I need much more space than I currently have. I've got zip for storage these days, despite numerous purging. My parents and I both agree that being beside them will help me take better care of them when the time comes. I told them to think of it as a long term health care plan. From what I understand, they will sell the lake house to my sister at a very discounted rate as compensation, since they are doing this for me. I still have to wait till after they move into his old place and sell their current place, but I finally feel somewhat like an adult. The thought of finally having my own home makes me giddy.

I've been checking things out, light fixtures, plumbing fixtures, cabinets, flooring, doors and the like. Very exciting! I've dreamt of my own home since high school. I know as soon as we break ground, I'll cry like a school girl. I may not always agree with my parents on everything but for an adopted child, I've never questioned their love for me. I'm trying to be thrifty. I don't want to spend all their money. I'd still like to get an inheritance later on too. At this point, if I don't win the lottery soon or find a job after I graduate, it will be my retirement.

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Disclaimer :

Most of the photographs on this blog do not belong to me. If you are the owner and would like for me to give you credit or remove them, please send me an email. I will gladly do so. (I do try to remember from whence they came.)