Tag Archives: what would morrissey do?

I started a draft for a post with this title last week. And what do you know, it is still timely, a week and a few mass shootings later. Morrissey gets us through.

Let’s chat, America. Some of you have strong opinions, and you are making sure people know. What’s been making the rounds among the dullards I am blessed to associate with in some way?

1. No one is entitled to share feelings about a tragedy if you are not directly involved. See also: stop posting depressing stuff, can’t we post positive things for a change? Yes, it is tedious to witness endless expressions of shock and horror. Think how I feel after noticing the changes to the Instagram TOS first, only to have to see it rehashed for a full 24 hours after the fact!

2. This tragedy is an opportunity to experience the true meaning of Christmas – Matt Lauer, noted ghoul.

3. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people! Well, maybe. It does take the magic of the human hand to squeeze a trigger. Issue guns only to the handless! I don’t know, friends, what else are guns good for besides injuring or killing a living creature? Is there a way to use them to scare leaves off your lawn that I am unaware of? Can they be used to hang pictures in a pinch? The only use I could come up with for a gun that did not involve shooting was pistol whipping, but I am a tad creatively blocked.

4. You wouldn’t regulate cars! Oh right.

5. Why is there no armed police detail in front of my child’s school today? Because they are fetching coffee and donuts for the snipers on the guard towers surrounding the soccer field.

6. Teachers should be armed. Ah, but who will protect the students from the tyranny of an armed teacher? The students should also be armed.

7. It’s the crazy people, stupid. Yes, possibly. And we as a nation do not want to give anyone health care that they did not EARN.

8. Laws are useless because people might break them! People are also sheep who occasionally decide it is in their best interest to do things like obey traffic lights. Let’s at least give it a go?

9. Let’s approach this issue rationally. Actually, I did not hear that one.

After a long, sickness hard day, check I like to relax with a hot shower as well as this guy!

I suppose it might be fun to bring friends, if they have suffered a similarly dull and taxing day:

Or sometimes I go for a swim:

The real secret to teasing the neighbor boys peeping over the fence is modesty. Let us never forget that sexy, sexy virtue, America. Clothe your desperate, orange housewives, put your teen pop stars in Catholic school uniforms, and only let them near a pole on May Day.

The First Noble Truth is that life is suffering.Â You ain’t kiddin’, bub.Â (That’s my pet name for the Buddha.Â He calls me “Hank” so that’s cool.)

I don’t work in a very social environment, and I can’t add any more detail to that without saying something potentially mean, which is impermissable on the internet.Â As you know.Â Anyway, it is clear that I am steadily losing ye olde marbles, spending each day in silent contemplation of my screen, alternating with half hours of silent contemplation of salad.Â (My lunch buddy cruelly defected to Korea and is never to be forgiven.Â Not ever.Â And when I write to him on the 15th of February, as I do every month, I will be sure to tell him.Â Again.)Â Since I am a mute cog on an equally dumb wheel, the days pass by without sensible converse.Â Today I had the following exchange with myself:

“HELP ME”, the brain telegraphs.Â “With what?”, I reply, rather innocently.Â “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?”,Â the brain parries, asÂ though I had said nothing at all.Â “About what?”, I ask, getting annoyed.Â Because the brain does not know.Â The brainÂ has absolutely no idea.Â The brain does not even know what’s on its own mind.Â Â “I HURT” is the only reply.Â Or, more to the point, “I WANT”.Â Poor child.Â Actually, it’s more like “I WANT I WANTÂ I WANT”.Â Â Bloody nuisance.Â And this is how Lambchop arrives, on January 26th at 12pm, between bitefuls of grilled eggplantÂ and nicoise, Â on the First Noble Truth, that all life is suffering.Â This suffering is the constant dissatisfied search for…something.Â And here you can fill in the blank, choose your own adventure style.Â Wealth, sex, fame, the phone number of a drug dealer who delivers?Â You know, whatever.Â Extra bacon.Â You love that.

How does one celebrate such a realization?Â I suppose that depends on whether or not you got that phone number!

The cheery fact is that no matter what I do- still my brain with pills or quieting words or let it run amok like a Charlie Sheen Vegas holiday, the snow will continue falling, falling, falling just the same.Â So I turn to my most trusted friend and spiritual guide, and ask the universe, as I like to do- what would Morrissey do?Â This: