In the beginning

The programme was first broadcast on November 23rd 1963. John F. Kennedy watched the pilot episode An Unearthly Child before anybody else. He thought it was so fantastic that his head exploded. The premiere had to be delayed slightly because of this unfortunate incident. When the show finally aired, it had to be broadcast twice because viewers thought it was intended as a joke.

Classic Who

Classic Who is a fantastic journey for a large majority of it, if you can stand seeing short stories padded out to two hours. It is widely agreed that the only way to watch it is start to finish, skipping the missing episodes to pray to Philip Morris; the BBC, being known around the world as the worst corporation to ever exist, destroyed many copies of the original episodes. Marcelo Camargo and Ian Levine have made it their life goals to undo the BBC's shit, having sacrificed five BBC executives in a pentagram-shaped chamber as revenge. As retaliation, the BBC continued to slash the programme's budget and threaten it with cancellation until finally the show gave in. Camargo and Levine continue their crusade to this day.

First Doctor

The 1st Doctor was an old fart played by William Hartnell. His first companion was his granddaughter, Susan Foreskin. He eventually abducted two school teachers, Ian Chatterton and Barbara Wright (hey, Wright, that's my last name!). A caveman was considered for the role of a companion, but the 1st Doctor attempted to bash its fookin' 'ead in. Eventually the Cybermen got the best of the old man and he was forced to regenerate because of sickness and old age. "Good riddance" is what someone with shit taste would say.

Second Doctor

The 2nd Doctor was played by Patrick Troutfish. He was very refreshing in this role and was actually a good actor. He was much younger than Hartnell and did not suffer from AIDS or Ebola. The Second Doctor was known for his love of musical instruments and how much he didn't like the redecoration of various locations. Probably the first Meme Doctor in recorded history. Unfortunately, things fell through and he was replaced by Jon Pertwee after Pat was found dead in a dustbin.

Third Doctor

The 3rd Doctor was played by Jon Pertweenie, a professional Splinker. The show took a drastic turn as the Doctor was isolated on Earth for a great deal of time. Interestingly enough, the show about time travel and visits to other planets somehow suffered a ratings drop during this time. The Doctor took up the hobby of teaching young children to SPLINK in order to pay for his rent at UNIT. The Mattress was introduced and became a common foe during the 3rd Doctor's reign. This Doctor finally met his end when he ended up on a planet full of fake-looking "spiders".

Fourth Doctor

The 4th Doctor was played by Tom Baker, a Jew... not that this means anything haha. He was the most successful man to play the Doctor and managed to stay on the show for a very long time because of his connections (not implying any sort of conspiracy or anything here haha). Philip Hinchcliffe and Robert Holmes were the showruiners for his most successful time. The show has never returned to the number of viewers per episode to this very day (excluding The Day of the Doctor). Four died from a minor fall that he could have easily survived but decided he hated Adric so much that he was going to regenerate.

Fifth Doctor

The 5th Doctor was very bland and played by Peter Davidson. There's really not much to say here because I fell asleep quite a few times whenever the 5th Doctor appeared. Most of his episodes were bad as well.

But Fivey is great so you better man up and watch everything you huge pussy. Reminder that bitches love celery.

Seventh Doctor

The 7th Doctor was the first manlet Doctor and was played by Sylvester "The Real" McCoy. He was pretty bad since he was a manlet (manlets, when will they ever learn?) but as soon as Ace arrived and the writing style changed, he was really fantastic. Cold and calculating, manipulative and mysterious. He was great in the role and his dynamic with Ace was great. Both of them were pretty bad actors but managed to pull it off and turn it into something really impressive. Still, the show got cancelled in 1989.

1997: Sometime after the TV Movie airs, Peter Capaldick chains Jon Pertwee up in his basement. PCaps forces him to watch the shitstorm that is the TV Movie. Jon immediately dies of shame. Capaldi attends his funeral wearing his polka dot shirt and one of his velvet coats. 21 years later, Pertweiner still hasn't been resurrected again.

Eleventh Doctor

Love for David Tenningfield was so high among tumblrtards and manchildren that he had to give an epic speech in his first episode just to say that "I am the Doctor". Immediately all but the most autistic of people loved him. There were a few teases that he might be leaving early, such as in Series 6 and Series 7, but he persisted until The Time of the Doctor.

Twelfth Doctor

Peter Lallawardaldi replaced Moot Smoth and became the 12th Doctor after he was found snorting coke in the dumpster behind Legendary Pictures. Originally hired to be Jenna Coleman's personal seat, he was promoted to playing The Doctor and Peter "Anaconda" Capaldi got so hype for Series 8 that the second he was hired he got into his car and drove to his old Dimensions In Time fan club from the 90s, accidentally hitting a raccoon with his car on the way.

This isn't really that canon but Clara got old and confessed her love for The Doctor turns out she was sleeping but she wasn't sleeping because she just woke up but there was still a time crab (see: time of the month) on her face when it was on her face while she was sleeping but wasn't actually sleeping because it wasn't on her face but she was awake to run away again with The Doctor when she finally woke up for real this time complete 100% truth until Clala clalaa clalalala clalaalal clalala clala clala claal clala a raven kills clala clala callaa clalalaa clalalala clalalalaal the doctor is confirmed half human. and that's series 9.