8 Essential Get the Spark Back Love Tips

When you think about your partner and the way that you usually feel when you are together, what words come to mind? Are they words like: “excited,” “passionate,” “more alive” and “can’t get enough of each other?”

Or, do you mostly feel…

dull

bored

okay (not thrilled)

wondering if this is as good as it gets?

If the spark has dwindled or gone out in your marriage then maybe you have resigned yourself to just putting up with it. Maybe you wish your spouse would pleasantly surprise you and maybe you are annoyed that he or she hasn’t yet.

If more WOW is what you want in your relationship, then we think you shouldn’t wait around for your partner to make things happen– you can begin to do things that will feel good and revive spark and connection.

Try these bring spark back love tips and see what happens…

#1: Be more YOU.

If you’ve become bogged down in your day-to-day routine of chores and lists of things you have to do for work and home, you may have disconnected from who you really are. To bring more spark to your relationship, start by bringing more spark to YOU. Set aside even 10 minutes a day to engage in some way with something you love to do. This will help you return to what makes your heart sing and will let you be more authentically you when you’re with your partner too.

#2: See more of your partner.

How have you categorized your partner? Is he or she “passive,” “lazy,” “aggressive,” “controlling:” or “indecisive?” If the labels you apply to your partner are mostly negative, not only does this kill connection, it also is probably not completely accurate.

Invite yourself to see the bigger picture. This might take practice if you’ve been viewing your partner and his or her traits and choices in a particular way. When you come from a more objective perspective, you may find that your partner can be and do far more than you think.

#3: Question expectations.

A lot of history builds up in a long-term relationship. From this history, expectations develop of you, your partner and your relationship. Often, the perceived limitations begin to overshadow the perceived strengths. This stands in the way of spark. Notice what you expect and question whether or not that’s true now and will necessarily be true in the future. This opens the door for new and wonderful possibilities.

#4: Get UN-comfortable.

Want more intimacy and spark? Step outside of your comfort zone. Look at your usual habits and ask yourself if they promote or hinder passion. Pay attention to how you normally talk to your partner, how you handle conflict and disagreements and the ways you approach lovemaking.

If there’s not much spark in your marriage, it’s likely that your and your partner’s habitual mode is somehow standing in the way of what you want. Get uncomfortable and try something different.

#5: Calm your fears.

Often, when we’re not experiencing what we want, it’s fear that’s keeping us frozen in place. As much as you want more passion in your marriage, maybe there’s a part of you that’s afraid to give your all to this relationship. Maybe you were hurt in the past (by your spouse or someone else) and you’re resistant to being vulnerable again.

And so your fear has caused you to hold back and be a bit distant which may feel safe, but it’s bad for passion. Acknowledge what you’re afraid of and do the healing you need to do so that you can be fully open in your relationship.

#6: Fill your own cup.

Many women and men have a nasty habit that isn’t good for them or their relationship. They deny their own needs in order to please others. They put themselves and what they want last on the list…until they wake up one day and realize how dissatisfied and deprived they feel.

Make sure you are filling your own “cup” and nourishing yourself first. This doesn’t mean you have to ignore or disregard others. Know that you’ll have more to give if you consistently honor what you want and need.

#7: Be on the same team.

Competitiveness and having to be “right” squash spark. Be aware when you have the urge to prove to your partner that he or she is “wrong.” You can still ask for what you want and express your opinions and desires. The difference is you do so without pitting your partner as the opposition. When you two are facing a big decision or disagreement, always be on the same team. Make it your ultimate goal to stay connected and respect one another as you discover the best solution for the situation.

#8: Make passion a priority.

Life gets complicated and there can be a lot of people and things that demand your time, energy and attention. Make sure that nurturing your relationship connection is also a priority. You probably spend far more time stressing about how you don’t have enough time than it would take to stop and share a meaningful 5 minute conversation with your partner; to reach out and stroke his arm; to kiss her on the back of the neck; to coordinate your schedules and plan a date night.

So what are you waiting for?

Bringing back spark to your marriage isn’t as difficult or time-consuming as you think. Just make sure that you’re doing at least one thing each day that moves you two closer together. You’ll be glad you did!

Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want.

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