Conditions of ACME's Unconditional
Guarantee

We at Acme Klein Bottle strive to create
the finest nonorientable surfaces and hope that you will be satisfied with your
new Acme manifold. For this reason, we are pleased to offer this UNCONDITIONAL
GUARANTEE complete with these conditions:

We unconditionally guarantee your Acme Klein Bottle
to be free of any defects in workmanship or workwomanship for a period of
ONE YEAR following purchase. If you aren't satisfied with your Acme Klein
Bottle -- for any reason -- just return it for a refund or replacement.
You pick up shipping charges.

We guarantee safe arrival. If your Klein Bottle arrives
broken, call or send email and we will immediately send a replacement.

We slightly guarantee your Klein Bottle for THREE
MONTHS against any cracks or breakage, whether due to earthquakes, clumsy
undergrads, or greasy fingers. Just mail us a fragment and $10, and we will
send a replacement.

We warrant each Acme Klein Bottle for a period of
FIVE YEARS to be absolutely free of any magnetic monopoles. If you discover
one, contact us immediately and we will refund your purchase price right
after you receive the Nobel Prize.

Furthermore, we guarantee for TEN YEARS that any polyhedron
spanning your unbroken Acme Klein Bottle will have about as many edges as
the sum of its vertices plus faces.

We further warrant for ONE MILLION YEARS that within
a Euclidean plane, the square of a right triangle's hypotenuse will equal
the sum of the squares of the two remaining legs.

In addition, Acme's provides this exclusive LIFETIME GUARANTEE:
We guarantee that you will live your entire lifetime, or double your money
back.

Acme's unconditional guarantee has the condition that we
do not warrant any Klein bottle against the actions of cats, ferrets, or axolotls.
We will NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE for any incidents relating to these beasts
of burden whatsoever in any form or spatial dimension.

All other warranties, express and implied, are null and
void except during total solar eclipses. Purchaser shall have the option at
his, hers, or its sole discretion, to try to collect on this guarantee. Guarantee
void if a substantial portion of the Klein bottle leaks into the 4th dimension.
The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.

We do honor our warranty: A Los Angeles math teacher (Loma
Linda Academy) recently wrote, "Much to my dismay, my Klein Bottle unsuccessfully
tried to leap into two-dimensional space..." She sent a fragment of a broken
bottle, and we immediately shipped a brand new Klein Bottle to her. Of course,
it helped that she enclosed a crisp $10 bill.

Dateline Brunswick, Maine: July 15, 1999. A Mathematics
Department in an unmentioned college discovered a crack in their Acme Klein
Bottle, apparently due to partial delamination of silicon dioxide bonds. The
departmental secretary reported this incident to Acme's Bureau of Broken Bottles,
which initiated a high-level investigation. After a departmental check arrived
for $10, a new manifold immediately appeared at the aforeunmentioned Academic
Institution, hand-delivered by a uniformed deliveryperson.

Acme's guarantee works even in the Southern Hemisphere.
On August 3, 1999, an Australian mathematician noticed a crack in the bottom
of his Acme Klein Bottle, apparently from the shock in an already dimensionally
impoverished device suddenly coming to terms a reversal of the Coriolis force
during shipping. Acme's trained troupe of topological troglodytes quickly
shipped him a new Klein Bottle, with no questions asked.

June 7, 2000: After several years of selling Klein Bottles,
Acme has finally received a return. The guy didn't say why he wanted his
money back, but after 2 months, he sent his manifold back, so Acme's Department
of Adjustments, Ameliorations, and Aluminum Anacondas airmailed him a check
for 40 bucks.

July 15, 2001: Yikes! An Klein Bottle cracked in transit. Two hours after
the crack was discovered in Ames, Iowa, Acme's trained crew of Topological
Troglodytes had sent a replacment. Result: a happy mid-western mathematician.

December 18, 2003: A Klein Bottle broke in Texas. We sent out a replacement
the same day.

April 10, 2008: Yikes - can a Klein Bottle get lost? Apparently one did,
in the mail. I sent a replacment out immedately.

October 2, 2013: A package was returned with a cracked Klein bottle - the mathematician
wants a replacement. No problem - sending it out t'morrow morning.