“Tokyo Sexwale will replace Sepp Blatter,” says Davidoff Clarkinov, my soccer FIFA expert. I can’t say Sepp Blatter without rushing to the bathroom. It’s not so much his corruption, just that his name evokes a certain urination urge. Now, Tokyo Sexwale, I have no idea what that is. I’m imagining it’s related to a sperm whale which I’m sure the Japanese also enjoy hunting. Maybe a sexwale likes to hump things but…er… isn’t that reserved for the humpback whale? Wow, I bet no one under the sea wants to get raped by a sex whale. They can go on a dork-a-thon. That’s probably where...

I don’t understand the outcry over the number of Mexicans entering our country. I feel that, for the most part, America needs them. It’s the Canadians that are swarming across our border that bother me. That’s why I was thrilled to hear Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker state...

As of this writing, the 2014 World Cup is going on. I’m one of those individuals that doesn’t like soccer (or sports for that matter) in a region where everyone around me does. Over time, I have developed certain techniques that have helped me look less weird than usual during important sports events. If you dislike the World Cup, or the Olympics, the Super Bowl, or the World Series, you might find these useful: a) Resist the temptation to criticize the sport and do not question the rules. You are the odd one out, not everybody else. Moreover, the sport will not go away or change its rules no matter how much sense your arguments...