She's on the cover of the most famous sports magazine in America, but sadly Beyonce is not sharing her golfing tips. Nor is she announcing her Olympics aspirations, although she would be a shoo-in for the beach volleyball.

This is Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue, the one time of year that the magazine takes a break from in-depth analysis and opts for a long hard look at babes in bikinis. Don't mock: with 70 million readers in the US alone, this is consistently the most widely read issue of any magazine in the world. Ever.

So while we would never question SI's judgment - and are seriously considering a Speedos issue of our own - we have one question: where did the sports stars go? Last year Maria Sharapova made an appearance on the cover, as has Anna Kournikova. Annika Sorenstam, Steffi Graf and the Williams sisters have all featured. This year, there's not a sportswoman in sight - ousted by musicians, including Gnarls Barkley, Aerosmith and Kanye West. Luckily, SI also distracted us with a pair of red/green glasses. Supermodels in 3D somehow softened the blow.

Why is this man attempting a 289-mile triathlon?

Triathlon is a crazy enough event. So what drives Julian Crabtree, who will attempt the Arch to Arc in August? The endurance time-trial begins at London's Marble Arch, from where he will run 87 miles to Dover, swim the Channel and then cycle 180 miles from Calais to Paris's Arc de Triomphe. 'Only three people have done it as a solo event,' says Crabtree, 39, as if that were reason enough.

He isn't even a professional triathlete. Crabtree is a former rugby player who first entered an endurance race across South Africa after a drunken bet with his boss. 'After that I did an 1,100-mile dog-sled race across Alaska - but without the dogs,' he says. He is raising money for two children's charities and there's only one thing this iron man fears: his girlfriend watching him compete. 'I don't want her to see me at my lowest,' he says. 'It's about male pride.'

After typical hype, Don King didn't get his private meeting with Pope Benedict XVI last month, settling instead for a front-row seat at a public audience.

This robbed both great men of a chance to compare jewellery. King, not content with wearing one diamond-encrusted crucifix, has three: one for each member of the Trinity. We will also never know who would have kissed whose ring. Luckily, King was able to hand the Pontiff a boxing belt, which will go nicely with his work-a-day green vestments.

We should be so lucky...

Only Mark Webber's mum will remember his 13th place at the Melbourne grand prix. The sight of him touring the pit lane with a Minogue on each arm will last rather longer in the memory.

But while Kylie and Dannii were looking fresh as ever, other Melburnians were, apparently, getting tired. The city, we're told, is in the grip of something called 'event fatigue' - a chronic condition caused by too much excitement, and whose symptoms include a refusal to spend another flaming dollar on watching sport.

This year, even before the F1 cars pulled up, Melbourne had hosted plenty of cricket, the Australian Open tennis and football's A-League Grand Final. Since the grand prix, the tennis arena has been flooded for the World Swimming Championships. (The temporary pool was officially the deepest suspended pool in the world, so in true Aussie fashion a record was broken even before anyone dived in.) The annual Aussie Rules Grand Final and horse racing's Melbourne Cup are still to come in the city that staged last year's Commonwealth Games.

While the city's website boasts that 'Every month in Melbourne is Festival month', locals are less enthusiastic, ticket sales are down and politicians are weighing in to condemn the glut of competitions. So, Aussies: they love their sport, but now they've had enough, thank you. And they call us whingers...

Unsung hero: Caroline Brown

Britain was guaranteed a bowls champion in this year's women's World Matchplay tournament - the two finalists were from Motherwell and Ely respectively. But Caroline Brown's debut victory in Norfolk (well you want somewhere nice and flat, don't you?) was a major coup for the Tartan Army: the 26-year-old became the first Scottish winner in the tournament's history. Brown defeated the two-times champion and previous holder Ellen Falkner, who is 21. Who said bowls was a game for pensioners?

Midlife crisis: Damon Hill

Living alongside rock-star neighbours such as Bono and Jim Kerr in Killiney, Ireland's 'Bel Eire', has had its effect on the F1 champion. Since retiring, he has grown a beard and his hair to a length that would have had Murray Walker spluttering into his mike. The resemblance to the late George Harrison, a good friend of Hill, is uncanny.

Last seen: Jimmy Bullard

Fulham's charismatic midfielder may not be at his physical peak - a dislocated kneecap picked up against Newcastle in September put him out for the rest of his first season at Craven Cottage - but it hasn't stopped him being signed up by a new team. Daiwa Dorking, England's top angling team, have taken on Bullard, 29, who has been using his new-found spare time to make something of a splash in the fishing world - including two match-winning performances that netted £1,500 in prize money.

Sporting lexicon

Tan horses (n.) Not exactly outsiders, but hardly favourites either. From New Zealand cricket captain Stephen Fleming, who said of his team's chances at the Cricket World Cup: 'We're not dark horses; we're tan.'

Good month for ... Getting hitched

Wayne and Coleen The Rooneys do a £1.5m deal with 'Hello!' for their 2008 wedding. That's a lot of spaghetti bolognese.

Andy Priaulx Missed his best man duties due to rallying, so sent a cardboard cutout of himself.

Liz Hurley Staged a men v women cricket match at her interminable wedding. The groom was out first ball.

Bad month for ... Getting caught

Andrew Flintoff Loses England vice-captaincy because of his drunken antics. He'd have got away with it if it wasn't for that pesky pedalo...

Antonio Montagno Italian paraglider hangs upside down in a tree for three days after crash-landing. Wife says she'll 'punch him on the nose'.

Sylvester Stallone Charged with illegally importing growth hormone into Australia. Poor Sly said that he 'just didn't understand some of the rules here'.