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Monday, 20 May 2013

Super duper personal shiz

You might have noticed I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been trying to keep up with posts and reviews every now and then but I think I need to explain why I’ve been so quiet for the last few months – I don’t want anyone to think I’ve disappeared for good! It’s just, a few things have happened that are taking up my time and mean I don’t have as much blogging time – but I will be back properly very soon, I promise. I miss this.

This is not actually a post I ever thought I’d write as I tend not to get too personal here (even though I know EVERY year I pledge to write more personal posts!) but, yeah, screw it, I’m going to. Me and Tom broke up at the beginning of March. And it was hard. It was mutual and amicable and probably the world’s smoothest, friendliest break up, which has definitely made things easier for both of us! So there have been no fights, no burning of anybody’s possessions and no general craziness but a break up is still a break up and there’s a hell of a lot of stuff to sort out.

We were together for three years; we lived together, we have Bertie and we work together every day in the same office – it’s pretty damn complicated, as you can imagine, which is why it’s such a relief that we’ve managed to make the transition from a relationship to a friendship without much of a hitch. Because that was the main reason we broke up – we got on (and still do) so, so well and I will always consider him to be one of my closest friends but that’s all we were in the end, really good friends.

It took a while to realise it and, honestly, one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made was to instigate the conversation that led to us ending things. It’s really difficult to walk away from something that is still happy, still fun but just not quite right. When I first realised something was wrong I buried it. I forgot about it. I put it down to boredom and ‘grass is greener’ syndrome and ignored it. But then I couldn’t any more. I knew if we stayed together that feeling would grow and grow and suddenly it would become bigger than our friendship and we might lose that as well. And that wasn’t something I wasn’t willing to risk.

I had a bit of a health wobble at the beginning of this year. I won’t go into any more details as it’s all sorted now but it scared me a bit and really made me take a step back and consider things. It made me realise that I’m only 25, I could have years and years ahead of me or everything could be over tomorrow – nobody has time to sit back and let things pass by. Nobody has time to stay in something you know isn’t right because it’s comfortable, or familiar, or safe. Because that holds both of you back.

And it’s terrifying. Believe me, the last few months have been really, really scary. I’ve gone from living with my boyfriend and having my whole future mapped out to not having a single clue what life will bring me or how things will turn out. It is big and scary and sometimes overwhelming but at the same time it’s brilliant. It’s right.

I feel more like me than I have for months. And that’s definitely something to be excited about.