Kids, it's time for an announcement: I've found the cure for cancer. It was right here in my office fridge all along! It's sitting in all it's furry glory nestled betwixt an alien lifeform cunningly secreted within a gherkin dip container and a bottle of wart remover that was once, in days long past, called milk. Such wonders of biology and chemistry, and all in one 80x120x40cm chilled space!

That's what our p/t secretary is paid to do... clean the fridge, wash up, water plants, answer phones... she'd make me coffee too if I wasn't such a caffeinated perfectionist. Down with Nescrapé! Hurrah to real coffee!

I have an idea to make a few tax-free dollars round the office.. maybe you could pit the new lifeforms aginst each other in a Scientific Spectacular/Battle of the Biology kind of thing and take bets! The odds of someone guessing that they will actually meld together and form some kind of funky mega-fungi are, I'd guess, about 100-1 so you're on a sure thing. It's a good risk! Just don't forget I want a percentage...

If you do it today, call in sick for the rest of the week and take a long weekend to enjoy the spoils (and to also give the HAZMAT team a chance to clean up).

What's that you say? I'm raving mad and should get some sleep? You just might be right there...