Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Dad,

Why am I here? What is Your purpose for me here? Why can't I see what You're doing? Why am I only filled with frustration, doubt, disappointment? Why do I want to leave so badly? Why have you called me back to this church? I don't even feel like I fit here. I feel like I'm a square peg trying desperately to fit into a round hole. And yet, You keep me here. I feel like so much of the gifts and talents you've given me are going unused and are probably just shriveling up and dying. I don't feel like I'm being fed, I definitely don't feel like I'm being built up, developed, encouraged. Why don't we have more leadership training? And for as much as I want to leave and go somewhere else, I want to stay so badly if only to prove to You and to myself that I don't always run when things get hard or aren't going my way. I always run. I always choose the easy option.

Lord help me! Strengthen me. Encourage me. Let me see why You have me here. I used to be so passionate for this place and for these people. Give me the faith I used to have for this church. I don't want circumstance or what is percieved as reality to eclipse Your reality. I want to see what You see. I want to love this body like you do. I want to live out the change that I believe is coming for this church, I don't want to conform to it's current mod of operation. Help me, help me, help me. I don't want to give up. I want to stay planted and see the blessing of all this sowing 10 years down the line. I need You.