Month: November 2013

And as Rachel and I watched the number of daily visitors grow on our blog – doubling, tripling, and so on… and so on – I realized something new about myself…

Success isn’t my scene.

While it makes me momentarily want to dance on the table in excitement, just as quickly, it had me rocking back and forth in fetal position, scratching my eyelids, and taking an oath that I would never write again.

Throughout the week, it’s entirely possible that I made a few frantic phone calls to Rachel, where we weighed our options, and questioned whether it would be best to just shut down the blog completely (no really… we were THAT freaked out!)

And yet, interestingly enough, here I am once again.

Only took 500 gallons of chamomile tea to calm my escalating heart rate, and another trillion prayers to the Lord Almighty, but I am here!

Yes, I am a pastor’s wife. And no, that’s not a title I can live up to! Being a ‘Pastors wife’ is in no way my identity (you won’t here me ‘name dropping’ that in posts to come…) And whether you choose to believe it or not, I am a human being just. like. you!

I am not über spiritual- In fact the Real Housewives of New Jersey and I have an ongoing date on my couch every week (and if there are wheat thins and chocolate covered acai berries involved, then all the better!) Admittedly, I curse on occasion for emphasis, and I make a MEAN margarita!

That being said, while it’s entirely your choice whether or not you hold me to the unrealistic standard of what you believe that a Pastor’s wife should be, if you choose to do so, I can say with 100% certainty that I will fail. Miserably.

And when I do, it’ll be your fault for putting me on that pedestal -not mine!

And if you don’t like that, then this blog is not for you.

I also am by no means the picture of a perfect parent. I secretly despise the playground, too often turn to the plethora of take-out menus for dinner at night, and it’s entirely possible that the first music my daughter ever heard in the womb was a Black Eyed Pea’s song, that my husband and I had methodically picked out!

And if you don’t like that, then…

well, you get where I am going with this!

I love the Lord deeply with all that I am. And whether or not a relationship with Him is what you desire, you hang with me long enough and it’s likely my faith will be contagious.

So a word of caution: If that is something you are extremely opposed to, then this blog might not be for you. (Although, I secretly hope you will stick around anyway!:)

If my grammatical errors anger you to the point where you feel the need to comment about them, then I am sorry, but it seems you have confused me with a real writer!

Simply put, I am a stay at home mom, who – what I lack in hobbies, is made up for with dishes in the sink! I struggle daily to get out of my pajamas, and am always scrambling to get my weekly blog post done in time while my two year old crawls all over my limbs, feeding me fistfuls of goldfish crackers in an attempt to get me to impersonate the cookie monster (which for the record, I have no shame in doing!)

All that to say, if you are looking for an eloquent speaker or errorless presentation, then this will never be the blog for you!

As for me, I will cling to the hope that if God can use simple farmers, despised tax collectors, and even sons of prostitutes to bring Him glory, then surely the Lord in all of His greatness, won’t even bat an eye at the mish-mash that can be my english!

And given the chance that I get a negative comment – or give or take a few HUNDRED like last week! 😉

I will not respond. Ever!

I know, I know… you are “being pressed by the Holy spirit” to tell me how wrong I am and what not, but regardless, that’s just not me. It’s not that I don’t respect your opinion, it’s that I don’t write to please you – or anyone else for that matter!

I write because God has laid it on my heart to be unapologetically honest and courageously me! To be vulnerable enough to share my weakest, and rawest thoughts so that He can meet me there and transform my heart to be more like His. NOT to merely write for His people; their praise, their public acclaim, or to address their criticism!

So if you are looking to debate with someone or are itching for a feud,

This

Blog

Is

Not

For

You.

Phew! Now that we got that out of the way – and since we have weeded off all the haters by now – may those of you who are still with us, continue on this journey of true authenticity. The kind where we aren’t afraid to publicly declare that our kids are making us cray cray, that our spouse is one- dirty- q tip – left – on – the – counter away from sleeping on the fire escape (like, indefinitely!) and to address that more often then not, we struggle with feelings of being not enough; enough of a provider, enough as a spouse, enough as a parent, and at times, even enough as a CHRISTIAN! Gasp! I know, its scandalous I tell you!

Together, I hope we can learn to lean into Christ for all that we need, learning to love Him and trust Him more, so that with His strength we can embrace the (at times craaaaazy) life he has laid out for us!

We will be your guides, and although we can’t promise perfection, an agreeable nature (or in my case, savory language 100% of the time) you do have our word that we will be honest and raw to the core, in hopes that one day you too will be able to do the same!

And if THAT is what your soul has been so desperately longing for, then I am so happy to announce that this IS the blog for you! And we couldn’t be happier to have you on board!

Every time someone living outside the city attempts to ‘minimize’ what it’s like living in New York City, something dies in my soul!

“Oh, it’s not thaaaaat expensive…”

“it can’t be thaaaaat busy…”

It’s the emotional rage equivalent of telling a person who works out hours every single day, and limiting it to the fact that they must just have really good genes! When they go on to explain how hard they work – the laziness they push past, the determination they have to possess, the self control that it demands – the response again is, “nah, that cant be it… you must just have good genes!”

For the record, I don’t have good genes. And living in the city DOES NOT come natural to me.

And I can’t help but think, that when I am searching the city over, and aggravated to the point that I am yelling in pig-latin in the bulk spice aisle of the grocery store because I can’t find nutmeg for under $6.99, or the cheapest loaf of white bread I can find is on sale for $4 and went bad YESTERDAY! That you are right… I must just be making this ISH up! $$$$$$$$$

That when I pack into a subway car that has you crammed like sardines, and I find myself apologizing to my daughter for all the miscellaneous crotches in her face, or stand in the check out line at Trader Joes that literally wraps around the store, TWICE! That it’s true, its not thaaaaat busy… compared to Black Friday!

So for all those, whose opinions are flooding me like a southern downpour, the truth of the matter is, you think you know, but you have no idea!

Is it just me, or have I gotten feistier over the course of the last 8 months? 🙂

You see, living in Manhattan is hard to describe…

At the exact same place outside your apartment that you saw Tom Selleck 30 minutes prior, now lies a man passed out drunk infront of your building, making it so you can’t leave your apartment until a ‘Good Samaritan’ walking along the street literally picks him up by his coat, and tosses him to the side so you can get through the door.

Our children’s pediatrician is on Park Avenue, we take morning strolls through central park, with each step, listening to the Kings of Leon rehearse their songs for a benefit concert somewhere in the park, and have seen both the President and the Rockafeller christmas tree being police excorted outside our apartment building (one being more exciting than the other depending on your political stance!)

And yet, we take public transportation to go trick or treating, have bruises up and down our left leg thanks to carrying our kid in their stroller down the subway steps, and are forced to store our summer clothes under our beds during the winter due to lack of space. Seriously, if I only had ONE more closet…

We get yelled at every time we put out basket of groceries on the conveyor belt at the store (for reasons we aren’t quite sure), and are tainted enough to believe that the only plausible explanation for someone being nice to you is that they have every intention of mugging you.

We live and breathe by the saying “You are only in trouble, if you get caught”, rarely make eye contact, and know the homeless people in our area more than our neighbors (and if you are like my family, you nickname them!)

There’s ‘The Spitter’ who for whatever reason spits sporadically (you can hear her before you see her), “Two-face” who sweetly asks for spare change- puppy dog eyes and all – but then curses your existence as you walk by, calling you the likes of ‘ungrateful’, and ‘selfish’ with a few f -bombs tossed in there for emphasis.

Then there is the man that sits on the corner of the street outside our apartment – rain or shine – in a wheelchair and NEVER asks for money. Who we later came to find out isn’t homeless at all! He actually works for the paparazzi, and like clock work, sits outside the restaurant below our apartment, watching for celebrities going in and out. Who, now that I think about it, probably doesn’t even really need a wheelchair!

New Yorkers also eat out a TON – 58% of them eat out AT LEAST once a day! (And it’s likely that we know lots more random statistics just like that!) We also have lofty ‘food goals’, like to try a cronut (the croissant- doughnut hybrid that has taken the city by storm!) or to ‘taste’ every country in South America, just because we can!

And given the dire situation that you ever find yourself needing to impress a New Yorker, it’s as simple as making something- ANYTHING – homemade! Seriously, it BLOWS. THEIR. MIND. every time!

Our bible studies have people skyping in from around the country (one even in Afghanistan!), our playdates go down at playgrounds not in homes, and interestingly enough, I’m in a car so little, that I actually get car sick every time I am in a taxi.

And sure, I could trade my NYC life, for granite countertops, and a walk-in closet elsewhere. I could have impeccable customer service, and cheaper produce at my fingertips… but even then, the cost would be far too great!

Because I’d be trading my new-found courageousness for comfort, and my city experiences for mere suburban luxuries.

So I have decided…

Suburbia, you can keep your fancy cars, your garbage disposals, and the expectation to have an even number of kids,

because although living in the city is mind-boggling expensive, swamped with people, and stretching me thin to the point I am nearly translucent,

I realize that this post may offend certain people: Good people, people who I’d probably really get along with otherwise…

But for the record, I am not sorry.

Last week’s post Worthy of Rubies was me, buttoned up in my ‘Sunday’s best’ and smiling pretty. But over the last couple of days a fire has come over me and I can’t keep silent.

You see, I hate when women stand before other women and use their platform to hide behind facades of ideal marriages, perfect specimens of children and strong opinions on the likes of breastfeeding, vaccines, and church politics…

I cringe when the Kim Kardashian’s of the world pose half-naked in an attempt to prove that they’re still sexy, when any ‘real mom’ feels like anything but! When friends on Facebook post statuses like “ …Made 6 loaves of banana bread, ran 12.8 miles, fed the homeless, and saved a cat, and was still able to get home in time to make homemade apricot pork loin and apple crisp for dinner tonight,” while the rest of us are left wondering how we even made it out of our pajamas today?!?

I don’t know when being sexy and domestically superior made us more of a woman, but let me challenge you with what I believe is the #1 misconception of a godly woman…

Years ago, I took a class in bible college that still to this day gets my blood boiling. It was a class called Christian Womanhood.

Three times a week hundreds of college freshman ladies piled into the auditorium, and who if they were anything like me, anticipated by the name of the class ‘Christian Womanhood’ that we would come to understand what it truly meant to become the godly woman the Lord desires for us to be.

Most of the girls attending the class would one day go on to become pastor wives, missionaries, and christian school teachers. Women who would have the potential to impact other women, communities and the World in POWERFUL ways!

And yet, THIS is what we learned…

– How to execute a wedding. Complete with rehearsing a mock wedding in which each of my peers played a ‘part.’ I however, sat in the audience (on the groom’s side if you want to be specific) uninterested, and unapologetic …I mean, seriously?

– The importance of making dinner for our families each night, and pointed out the convenience of using a crock pot. …Yep, it happened.

– Why we must only read the King James Version of the Bible. But I have no notes on that lesson, because unashamedly, I tuned that one out!

It was also in this class that we did an in-depth study of Proverbs 31 in the Bible. Which wasn’t bad per se, but due to all of the above (and the fact that I actually paid for this nonsense of a class!) I don’t think it would surprise anyone to know that still to this day, I have a physical aversion to any of the topics covered in that class, including the beloved Proverbs 31 woman!

Interestingly enough though, my husband came to me last week and asked me to write a devotion for our church on you guessed it – Proverbs 31! And in all honesty I fought it HARD, as if to completely downplay the significance of it in the Bible.

And yet as I pored over the chapter myself, I realized something I had never seen before, something I can assure you was NEVER taught in my class all those years ago:

Who can find a capable wife?… She is energetic and STRONG… She has NO FEAR of winter… She is clothed with STRENGTH…

Proverbs 31:10, 17, 21, 25

The Proverbs 31 woman is a lot of things- domestic and lovely, successful and well-respected, But most repeated, she is STRONG! Not anything like the passive and weak woman we are so often encouraged to be! She has no fear of winter – the difficult times to come – and is most definitely not limited to planning weddings and using crock pots!

It got me thinking go the times I have had to be strong…

When 2 years into my marriage, when we should have been comparing paint swatches for the living room and eating breakfast in bed (or whatever it is that newlyweds do!) but instead we were battling it out in screaming matches and trying to decided what we would do with the house in the event of a divorce.

…When The Lord asked me to forgive my husband, and when even more clearly, I begged God kicking and screaming to let me move on, to give me permission to break ties with the man I was petrified would hurt me once again! But how the Lord never wavered.

How I was furious and shaken, but STRONG enough to choose to please the Lord above all else and embark on a journey to learn to love my husband again. And for the record, I am so incredibly glad I did!

How years later, we faced an unimaginable tragedy in our church while my husband was away at summer camp. How I wanted nothing more then for my husband to walk through the door, so I could immerse myself into the comfort of his arms, allowing myself to freely fall into a heap of tears with the one person who shared my mutual heartache. And how it never happened…

Because upon returning home, my husband made only one request: we not cry. How instead, he wanted to watch the news footage covering the accident over… and… over… and lay on floor and listen to worship music until late into the night. How he needed me there, and how more than anything he needed me to be STRONG!

How impossible it felt (how impossible it would’ve been apart from the Lord!) but how I sought hard to find my strength in Christ, relying on Him wholeheartedly for my comfort so that I could be strong for my husband, so that in return, he could be strong for so many others as their Pastor!

Oh, how my soul longed in those moments, for a woman to have opened up and spoken to me as a college freshman about THAT! To have a woman stand before me, vulnerable about her overwhelming fears and unworthiness, but of God’s immeasurable strength available to us in spite of it!

And so if I could teach a class on christian womanhood, and if all of you reading were my exceptionally lovely students, I would tell you that the most breathtaking picture of a ‘christian woman’ is not merely a sweet, modest, well-spoken, domestic goddess – but the woman whose strength and unshakeable faith lifts up all those around her despite the circumstance or ‘winter’ she has found herself in. (Prov. 31:21)

I’d tell you that no matter how beautiful of a bride you make, that one day your marriage may feel hopeless. And to remember when that day comes, it’s not a direct reflection of the INADEQUACY of you, but the potential GREATNESS of God if we allow Him to restore the broken pieces left of our hearts, and our vows.

That one day, the strong men we marry may need OUR strength to literally and physically pick them up off the floor, and that it won’t be a damn crock pot that will save the day, but the fire deep within us to FIGHT for our marriages and for our husbands to be the godly men that the Lord desires them to be!

Because the truth is, EVERYONE can let us down. But by choosing to find our strength in Christ, there is NOTHING God can’t grant us, and NOTHING He can not restore!

We need only to turn to Him, for He is the only one capable of giving life to our broken hearts and the strength we need to keep holding on.