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Good News for Zombies

Curses, Foiled AgainAfter breaking into a St. Louis home and stealing several items, Damon L. Petty, 37, lingered to eat. The homeowner and a friend returned to find him frying bacon in the kitchen. They subdued him until police arrived. Petty pleaded guilty to burglary and received a seven-year prison sentence. (St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

Police investigating a bank robbery in Southfield, Mich., arrested Todd Jason Kettler, 37, after the manager of a strip club in Kalamazoo Township reported a man was paying for lap dances with money covered in red dye, which banks use to mark stolen money. (Detroit Free Press)

Good News for ZombiesThe
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and Gerber Legendary Blades
announced a voluntary recall of 119,000 Gerber Bear Grylls Parang
Machetes that were marketed to zombie killers on last fall’s season
opener of The Walking Dead television series. “If the Dead walk, the
continuation of the human race will become a daily struggle,” the
Portland, Ore., company said on its website. “Are you prepared to
protect and defend your family and friends? Your best chance lies in the
Gerber Apocalypse Survival Kit.” The limited-edition kit, which
included six other zombie-fighting tools, sold for $349. The problem
with the 19.5-inch-long curved weapons, with a 13.5-inch blade, was a
weakness where the handle meets the blade, “posing a laceration hazard,”
the recall said. Gerber received 24 reports of the blade or handle
breaking during use and one injury, not, however, to a zombie. (Orlando
Sentinel)

Winner of the Next Nobel PrizeEva Restaurant in Los Angeles began offering a 5 percent discount to customers who check their cell phones with staffers when they’re seated. Noting that nearly half the customers take advantage of the offer, owner Mark Gold explained the policy is an attempt to create an environment where diners connect to each other instead of to technology. (Associated Press)

Mensa Reject of the WeekBank of America executive Jason Selch protested the firing of a colleague by bursting into a conference room and mooning his bosses. His subsequent firing cost him a contingent bonus package worth millions that would have vested only a few months later. Besides losing his job and the multimillion-dollar bonus, Selch lost his lawsuit arguing he couldn’t be fired “for cause” because the mooning didn’t interfere with his official duties. (CNBC)

Identity CrisisWhen the driver of a tour bus at Iceland’s Eldgja volcano reported a passenger missing, police began searching for a 5-foot-2-inch Asian woman who spoke English well. The search lasted from Saturday until around 3 a.m. Sunday, when one of the passengers who had joined the search party realized she was the person she was looking for. The unidentified 5-foot-2-inch Asian woman who spoke English well had changed clothes after getting off the bus, and neither the driver nor fellow passengers recognized her. (Britain’s Daily Mail)

DownsizingSan Francisco’s Board of Supervisors postponed a vote on a proposed change to the city’s building code that would allow construction of apartments as small as 220 square feet, about the size of a one-car garage. Proponents contend the smaller units would provide an affordable option for the city’s single residents. “The fact is 41 percent of San Franciscans live alone,” said Supervisor Scott Wiener, who drafted the proposal. “There are a lot of people who don’t need or can’t afford a lot of space.”

If the board approves the measure, San Francisco would join New York City, which recently voted to test similar micro-units. Singapore authorities, meanwhile, just raised minimum dwelling sizes because of concerns about urban congestion. (Associated Press and San Francisco Chronicle)

An Italian study of male sexuality discovered that the average size of male genitalia has been steadily shrinking. Penises now are roughly 10 percent smaller than they were 50 years ago. The study identified the causes as weight gain, pollution, stress, smoking and alcohol, although radio host Rush Limbaugh insisted “it’s feminism.” (Salon)

Rear-EndedFederal authorities accused Ronald Robinson, 34, of returning used enema kits to a Florida drug store, which returned them to shelves. Prosecutors said Robinson resealed the enemas inside their boxes and brought them back to the store for refunds. (United Press International)

Police who arrested Anthony Leopold Rowe, 26, at his home in Easton, Pa., said he tried to swallow marijuana that he had hidden in his anal cavity. (Allentown’s The Morning Call)

Freedom to LieWhen Canada’s Competition Bureau tried to fine Rogers Communications $10 million for misleading advertising, the telecom company asked the Ontario Superior Court to strike down a key provision of the federal law requiring companies to have “adequate and proper” tests of a product’s performance before making performance claims in advertisements. Rogers declared this requirement violates its right to free expression granted by the Charter of Rights & Freedoms. Michael Janigan, executive director and general counsel at Public Interest Advocacy Centre, called the notion that companies shouldn’t be required to have facts and evidence to back up their advertising claims before making them “a bit like a Madison Avenue wet dream.” (Ottawa Citizen)

Every Vote CountsAfter the two top candidates in a Democratic primary for Connecticut’s 5th General Assembly District tied, a recount gave a one-vote edge to Leo Canty. A second recount gave runner-up Brandon McGee another vote, re-tying the results. After McGee filed an elections complaint, the apparent outcome hinged on a previously uncounted absentee ballot marked “deceased” that was found to have been cast by a 91-year-old woman still living. Superior Court Judge A. Susan Peck ordered the ballot opened, even though doing so identified the voter and her vote. The vote was for Donald Trinks, who finished a distant third. Peck ordered a new primary election, which McGee, 28, won, 1,095 to 942. (The Hartford Courant)

Beyond SuspiciousFederal officials at Los Angeles International Airport who noticed a passenger arriving on a flight from Japan dressed in bulletproof vest and flame-retardant pants decided to search his luggage. After finding a smoke grenade, knives, body bags, a hatchet, a collapsible baton, a biohazard suit, a full-face respirator, handcuffs, leg irons and a device to repel dogs, they arrested Boston-bound Yongda Huang Harris, 28. (Associated Press)

Not a Total LoserPennsylvania’s State Employees Retirement System said convicted child molester Jerry Sandusky could keep more than $900,000 in state pension payments he received after his 1999 retirement from Penn State University. (Associated Press)

Compiled from the press reports by Roland Sweet. Authentication on demand.

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Canada's National Defence decided to decommission a 45-year-old navy supply ship without a replacement because mechanics in Halifax were spending a "disproportionate amount of time" keeping the vessel operating ...