So, Winchester Exists

WINCHESTER, Va. — Professing disbelief that the area in the most northwestern part of Virginia was occupied, many citizens were shocked to learn that Winchester is in fact a city in the commonwealth, sources confirmed Friday. The news comes in the wake of Winchester being named the fourth most affordable small town to retire in by 55places.com, the prominent adult community resource website.

Given the popularity of 55places.com across the state, news of the ranking spread quickly, leaving many Virginians stunned and speechless.

Bruce Smith, a Tappahannock resident and retiree, almost spit out his Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats after reading the list and seeing the “VA” next to Winchester. “I couldn’t believe it,” Smith said after googling the city to confirm its existence. “I’d always thought Winchester was just the name of gun maker and a spooky house out in California. But what do you know? It is a real place here in the Old Dominion.”

“It says here that it’s got three Walmarts,” he continued. “Well, I’ll be. I might just have to check this place out.”

Winchester resident Shelley Singleton tweeted that the news provided her family with the validation they’ve long hoped for. “Now when I invite my cousins from Fredericksburg to come celebrate the Apple Blossom Festival, they might actually show up.”

Troy Young, an Arlington native and self-described lover of maps, was also unaware of Winchester’s existence even though it is just over an hour away.

“I’ve looked at maps from all over the commonwealth, dating all the way back to 1973,” Young noted. “So it’s a real city in Virginia? Not a paper town? Gee, what will they prove next? Ghosts? Bigfoot? Danville?”