Physically Unable to Perform: The Week the Chiefs Trolled Todd Haley

Jeff: This week’s big question: Do you think Kansas City is/was good (except, of course, Tyler Palko) but hated Todd Haley and so would not "perform" for him, or do you think they were oppressed by Haley, and could not win until he was successfully removed?

David: I ordinarily resist this sort of speculation, as you know. And Palko was not really good enough to win a football game against anyone, including Adam Sandler’s team from The Longest Yard remake, and I assume that team had Rob Schneider on it. But I’m inclined to say, given that Haley really does seem to be an asshole of world-historic proportions and it’s impossible for me to imagine working for him, that he probably needed to go. Romeo Crennel on the other hand looks like a nervous middle school principal sitting outside of a Long John Silver’s waiting for it to open.

Jeff: I embrace that speculation. Because my goal is to create a turgid talk radio environment, and this is the kind of unanswerable question that would fill a whole three-hour show.

David: Crennel does seem like he might be a nice guy, at least. Especially if you bring him snacks. He had a really nice smile after the players did the Gatorade-dump on him.

Jeff: I am just going to foist these questions out there, open the phone lines and pretend I am reserving judgment. Questions like "Do you think your wife has a shot with George Clooney if his car gets stuck in your town?"

David: People calling in from Long Island being like, "Jeff, longtime first time, it’s Vince from Merrick. Do you think that Mark Sanchez is wearing loafers and jeans too often?" The tough questions that get conversations started. Colin Cowherd looks and acts like a cartoon virus from a health class video, and he has made a lot of money doing this very thing.

Jeff: "Personally, I know the Giants and Jets will tie on Sunday. It will alter the playoffs. What I want to know is why. Glenn from White Plains, go!" And then I don’t say more than 10 words the rest of the show.

David: It seems like 85% of sports radio guys take like five minutes to fall back on "[Quarterback/Quarterback’s Dad] seems gay to me. Don’t ask me to explain it."

Jeff: "It’s a feeling from my gut, and my gut is usually never wrong, but out of respect for his family, I won’t speculate about his sexuality after today." Then, immediately: "Who was the ugliest Giants tight end of all time?"

David: I’d call in on that. Then a smooth segue into, like, a Muscle Milk ad. Really the only people that should be on sports radio are either already coaching losing NFL teams, or the sort of people who get escorted off buses more than once a week.

Jeff: "Chan Gailey wants to drive an 18-wheeler."

David: "Do your research."

Jeff: I do find it crazy that the Chiefs beat the only undefeated team after Haley got bounced. I think he probably tore apart some poor bastard’s Honda Spree with a sharpened pliers today.

David: I feel like mall cops all over metro Kansas City are getting printouts with Haley’s face on them. He’s been running through malls knocking Cinnabons out of kids’ hands ever since he got fired. "Kid, the only reason you should be crying is that you deserved for that to happen, and you know it."

Jeff: And for the Chiefs, Thomas Jones is finally relad enough to take a dump around the clubhouse. Haley was always just randomly heaving buckets of mop water over the bathroom stalls.

David: "GET TOUGH!"

Jeff: "How were you not ready for that? That was the last time you took a dump as a Kansas City Chief."

David: Players were certainly disciplined for bowel movements. "Your mind should be on football, and it obviously isn’t. Don’t even flush. I don’t want you flushing my toilets."

Jeff: So what does Curtis Painter do now? Is he Curtis "The Office" Painter. "I do interiors." He has a white van with a blue light on top of it.

David: I think he’s into Nightclubs, if I had to guess. Appearances in, openings of, running his own. I think he could be a good host for one of those Real World/Road Rules challenges, if they ever do one in Indianapolis.

Jeff: I see him in the dating show arena. "Mystery and I are here to show you how to take it to COMPLETION."

David: That should be on VH1. Him and Mike Vanderjagt showing shaggy retired linemen how to get sharp and get confident.

Jeff: I am moderately worried that the Seahawks are 7-7. A lot of bad stuff would have to happen for them to actually get into the playoffs.

David: Tectonic things. There are some hilariously poor teams within striking distance of the playoffs. The Chiefs and Chargers are "in the hunt." I do sort of feel as if the window is closing for Caleb Hanie to make the Pro Bowl this year.

Jeff: I feel like the Bears should have just forfeited their last 4 games. Their fans would be happier.

David: It’s sad to know there are people trying to talk themselves into Josh McCown. "He is the better-known of the quarterbacking McCowns, and if a few things break our way and we claim LeSean McCoy on waivers somehow... well, it’s a whole new season."

Jeff: The Jets versus Giants game actually means something. Not what they wanted, but...

David: That Giants loss Sunday... I know you don’t need to be a Giants fan to know that they were going to biff that game. But man did I ever know they’d biff that game. Eli was really working his "quarterback in video game acting disappointed" gesticulations. The Jets got beat by six touchdowns.

David: I feel like the Redskins are exactly the team Shanahan wants them to be. He is the dude that insisted on Rex Grossman and John Beck. He wanted to go 7-9 so he’d have an excuse to lock himself in his study and blast Kenny Loggins or whatever. It’s complicated, I’m sure. But it’s like all those previous dramatic Giants wins were an elaborate build-up to this one loss.

Jeff: I keep thinking both teams are "on the right track" when they get a win.

Jeff: It’s like having a drunk subway conductor. You make it into the station okay and you convince yourself everything is going to be fine.

David: But then he pokes his head out with a raccoon under one arm and throws an empty Lowenbrau at you.

Jeff: It is important for the Jets to wait until their 14th possession for their offense to click.

Jeff: Monday was the first I really saw the 49ers this season. They’re good, but I hope that at some point there’s a guy out there who pretends to be David Akers in order to scam free dairy products. "Yeah, I kick for the ’Niners...ha! I know! This season has been a delight! Listen I left my wallet at the bank and I just need one gallon of milk."

David: "And also this 96-ounce Kozy Shack pudding tub. For the kids. I have several kids, you can find their names in the team’s media guide. Anyway, look, I need to get back to practice or Coach... Seifert? is going to be pissed."

Jeff: "...and then I will leave you alone, I know you’re quite busy and I like what you’ve done with the place. Vernon Davis and I are going to play racquetball. Might you join us some time?"

Jeff: I think Jim Harbaugh might hand out Tucker Max books to his team. "He just wins no matter what. Like it or not!"

David: At the very least, it wouldn’t be surprising if there was some Tuck-Max quote about "tricking a chick into a blowjob" hanging in the locker room. Everyone has to touch it on their way out to practice. "We’re going to disrespect our opponent today, gentlemen, and then we’re going to have ostensibly funny sex with that opponent in a car."

Jeff: I feel like this is the column where we should invite the coaches of the NFC East to an end of season potluck banquet. We don’t quite have the budget for catering. But we would like them to interact.

David: I’m with that. NFC (F)East. We don’t have Guy Fieri money, which is unfortunate, but maybe we can get a group rate at ’Nuolo, the restaurant in Carlstadt, NJ that Steve Spagnuolo opened when he was coaching with the Giants?

Jeff: Bring a musical instrument if you’d like. Each coach can bring one player. It is blazer-mandatory.

David: For Andy Reid it’s corduroy mandatory. Which, honestly, I am sick of explaining why that is. Rules are rules. They help us learn how to win and achieve. So wear that suit I sent you, Andy.

Jeff: I feel like it should be televised. Roy Firestone should be there. Somehow a 24-year-old Cris Collinsworth. I would hope Gruden would come.

David: I feel like a lot of these dudes aren’t in the passing-up-a-potluck business. Parcells is going to show up with his famous mayo cake.

Jeff: I feel like Parcells would secretly try to talk coaches out of coming. And for some reason it would just be Brian Billick gnawing on a tea tree oil toothpick, trying to find out which one is going to get fired

Jeff: I think an NFC WEST coaches banquet would rule. Whisenhunt’s wife would be offended if you dint eat her casserole.

David: Pete Carroll’s making smoothies. He shows up with a crate of artichokes and some meyer lemons and a sous chef.

Jeff: I think Harbaugh would remove some fuses from the kitchen so he couldn’t make those. Just as a provocation.

David: Harbaugh’s playing the long game. Psy-ops, always. Spags brings some manicotti his mom made.

Jeff: A mom or aunt makes it all in the previous January and freezes it, which is kept SECRET (until you taste it).

David: "Guys, even if you don’t like the manicotti, I’m going to ask that you not tell my mom, okay. She is very proud of the manicotti, even though I will admit that it’s not very good. It’s paper towels wrapped around cottage cheese with Francesco Rinaldi on top. I learned to like it and you can, too."

Jeff Johnson whines almost hourly here, and is cruel to sportscards here and here.

David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal’s Daily Fix blog, writes the sports column "The Mercy Rule" at Vice.com, and writes regularly for The Awl, among other places. He tweets here.

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