With football’s transfer deadline day upon us again, the whole country waits with bated breath to see who multi-millionaire footballers will be employed by tomorrow. But this year’s deadline day coverage is expected to reach such excitable levels there are fears that the public may start panic buying footballers.

“I watched Sky Sports News’ coverage for four hours this morning,” Simon Delaney, Harold resident and proud new owner of three Premier League players told us.

“Watching Jeff Stelling’s blood pressure go through the roof at the possible sighting of Wayne Rooney on a bus near Harold Thursday’s training ground that made me worry. It turned out to be a potato, but it was great for an hour’s coverage.

“So I went to the Tesco Express, bought up all the milk and bread in preparation for the Apocalypse, then got on the phone to agents and signed a few footballers before they run out.”

With a wage bill of £240,000 per week, Mr Delaney is now under pressure to make use of the players, possibly by building up a Sunday League team around them. But as he points out it is impossible to start a team before the new season in August 2015.

“With the lack of football team to use them in, I am seriously considering starting up an independent ‘Wembley’ league, but arguments over who will go in goal have yet to be resolved.

“So until then, or when I can sell them on in the winter, I will keep them with the bread in the freezer until I need them.”