Friday, May 3, 2013

Germany Versus Sweden Defense Witnesses Part 1

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The prosecution in the Germany versus Sweden witch doctor kidnapping trial has wrapped up its case and now it's the defense's turn. As usual, a team of our intrepid reporters is on the scene in Ulan Bator, Mongolia bringing our readers all of the drama. Today's defense witness is Swedish skier Matthias Hargin. Instead of our usual interview format, we are publishing the court transcript. Let's see what Matthias has to say.

Hargin: No. I just said, "You look cold, little guy. Let me help you warm up." Then I unzipped my speed suit and put him in the front by my stomach.

Sweden: Dr. Mabongo testified that he was put into a burlap sack four days before the team event. Did you put him in the sack?

Hargin: No.

Sweden: Do you know who put him in the sack?

Hargin: No.

Sweden: When was the first time you saw Dr. Mabongo?

Hargin: It was during the team competition. I thought he was a fan because he was hanging around with Andre Myhrer and me.

Sweden: Did Dr. Mabongo look like a kidnapping victim to you?

Germany: Objection! Defense is assuming that the witness knows law enforcement profiles.

Judge: Sustained.

Sweden: When you saw Dr. Mabongo hanging around you and Andre Myhrer, what did you do?

Hargin: I asked him if he wanted an autograph or photo, but he didn't seem to understand me. I asked him in both Swedish and English.

Sweden: Then what did you do?

Hargin: That was when I put him in my speed suit.

Sweden: Did Dr. Mabongo scream, kick, or try to resist you in any way?

Hargin: No.

Sweden: That is all I have for this witness.

Judge: We will take a 90-minute recess and reconvene. Mr. Hargin, you will still be under oath.

(90 minutes later)

Germany: Did you think it was unusual for a Congolese witch doctor to be barefoot and clad only in a loincloth in the winter?

Hargin: Yes. Most people wear warm clothing in the winter.

Germany: Are you aware that Dr. Mabongo drinks a special potion that keeps him warm even in the coldest winter weather?

Hargin: No.

Germany: Isn't it true that you really put Dr. Mabongo in your speed suit because your trainer asked you to put him there to prevent him from going back to the German team?

Hargin: No. I was simply trying to help a fellow human being.

Germany: Isn't it true that the first time you saw Dr. Mabongo was on Saturday morning, three days before the team competition?

Hargin: No. The first time I saw him was during the team competition.

Germany: Are you sure? Wasn't there a team meeting that Saturday to discuss the lineup for the team competition? And wasn't Dr. Mabongo present at that meeting?

Hargin: Uh...

Suddenly there is commotion in the courtroom as a blonde woman stands up. She is none other than Swedish national team member Frida Hansdotter

Hansdotter: Stop! Matthias, you don't need to lie anymore! I confess! I was the one who kidnapped Dr. Mabongo!

Judge: (banging his gavel) Order in the court! Mr. Hargin, you may step down. I am going to question this woman myself. (to Frida) Please step up to the witness box and tell the court your name and occupation.

Hansdotter: Frida Hansdotter, Swedish national Alpine ski racer.

Judge: You are confessing in a court of law that you willfully abducted Dr. Mabongo?

Hansdotter: Yes. Judge: Did anyone else on the Swedish ski team know about your plan to kidnap Dr. Mabongo?Hansdotter: No. It was purely my idea. None of my teammates knew about it until I brought him to the team's hotel.Judge: You didn't confide in any teammates about your plan?Hansdotter: No. I thought it best to tell everyone after the deed was done. Judge: What was the reaction of your trainers and teammates when they found out that you had taken Dr. Mabongo?Hansdotter: At first they wanted me to bring him back. But when I explained who he was, and how he helped Maria Hoefl-Riesch and Lena Duerr, they said that we should keep him. We were debating in the team meeting on Saturday whether we should return Dr. Mabongo to Germany after the World Championships or wait until the end of the season.

Judge: Why did you wait until now to confess your crime?

Hansdotter: I was feeling more and more guilty about it and couldn't take it anymore. When I listened to how Matthias was lying today to protect me, I realized that it was time to come clean. I got a burlap sack and sprinkled chloroform in it. I had been keeping a watch on the Germans' hotel and knew when Dr. Mabongo went out for his evening walk. I snuck up behind him, put the sack over his head, and carried him back to my hotel room. He really was very light and easy to carry because he's so small.

Judge: You look like such a nice girl. Why would you kidnap Germany's witch doctor?

Hansdotter: I just wanted to win a race. I have six World Cup podiums in slalom, all second places. I saw what Dr. Mabongo did for Maria and Lena and wanted him to help me too. Kidnapping the witch doctor was the best chance for me and my team to win a gold medal in the team event. If only he was found after the final round of the team competition! We would have beaten Austria and won the gold medal. Now I have yet another second place finish.

Judge: Did you realize at the time that kidnapping is a crime?

Hansdotter: I knew it was wrong. But I was desperate to get on the top step of a podium any way I could. I saw Dr. Mabongo as the answer to my prayers. Do you know how frustrating it is to be the perennial second place finisher? Is it a crime to want to win a race? I train so hard and I still can't win!(starts sobbing)

Judge: Before I render my judgement, we will have a moment of silence so that I can pray to the Great Yak for wisdom and guidance. (after a minute of silence) Even though only one person on the Swedish team carried out the actual abduction, all of its members are guilty of not returning Dr. Mabongo to the German team immediately after he was taken and not reporting his abduction to the proper authorities. Mr. Hargin, I realize that you were trying to protect your federation and teammates, but lying in court is a serious offense. You will pay the court a fine of 50,000 toegroeg. You will not be allowed to leave Mongolia until the fine is paid.Miss Hansdotter, there are a lot of ski racers who never win a race, or even finish on the podium. You should be happy for your six second place finishes. Kidnapping is a very serious crime, punishable by death. But I will not sentence you to death or even prison. Instead, I will have Dr. Mabongo put a curse on the entire Swedish Ski Team. His curse will ensure that no skier on the Swedish team wins a World Cup race next season or an Olympic medal in Sochi. Court is adjourned! (bangs gavel)
And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive story.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: How much is 50,000 toegroeg worth anyway?

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