Moving on.
Tuesday July 4, 2017

When I wrote my last blog ("Letter to my alcoholic sister" Friday 28th April) I was in despair about how to deal with my alcoholic sister; I felt trapped by the strength of my emotions and by how often I seemed to go round and round in the same circles, unable to break free from the worry and from responding to her manipulating behaviour.

Over 30 people took the time to reply, lots of you in detail with some very practical suggestions; some of you sharing your incredibly painful experiences. I was overwhelmed by the amazing support you offered to me when I was particularly low.

I want you all to know how much your advice and sympathy helped me... in the weeks since then, every time I have felt the despair start to descend, I have revisited the blog and taken up one of the many suggestions you offered. I have drawn strength from those of you who shared painful memories. I have a strategically placed post-it note with "33" on it – the number of you who responded – which I look at when I feel the familiar anguish approaching.

Three weeks ago my sister rang me; I succeeded in not rising to her jibes; I managed to remain calm throughout the conversation; I let her words wash over me and evaporate; I came off the phone feeling numb... and a bit relieved that she hadn't provoked the anger she used to do.

The next day I surprised myself, standing in the kitchen I suddenly said, out loud "I owe Nicky nothing"; I repeated it, and then added "If anything she owes me, us, big time". This is a HUGE breakthrough for me, after years and years – words cannot express how much I now find myself able to detach from the emotions which would previously have worn me down.

Lovely Moodscopers, from the bottom of my heart, thank-you for helping me reach this amazing milestone. I truly believe I would still be going round in circles if it hadn't been for your magnificent response. I know that there will probably still be times when I despair and grieve for Nicky. The difference is that, thanks to you, I now have the support and the wisdom from your responses which I can revisit when the need arises.

I feel I have been blessed by having this "eureka" moment – however breakthrough can come about more quietly; we can be so wrapped up in the painful present that we fail to look back at the progress we have made. So, today I invite you to look back and celebrate the progress you have made, however small it may feel; I would love to hear your "breakthrough" stories.

Comments

Linda Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 6:33am

I remember reading your lovely blog in April & feeling sad that you were so guilty! (Not sure I commented I was in a bad place at the time)
I am so happy that you have drawn strength from the comments, I read the blogs everyday without fail & they certainly help to get me through, I don't always get time to log in & I really wish there was a like/love button! I think the person writing the blog would get lots of comfort from that.
You should be so proud of your progress! You have come a long way since April (as they say on the test)!
Keep looking at those reminders & remember you have friends out here! Xx

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:14am

Hello Linda and thank-you; what a brilliant idea, a blog "like" button - one for the tech bofs! I do hope you are in a better place at the moment ... Frankie xx

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:16am

Awesome idea Linda! X

Another Sally Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 4:53pm

To Jane SG - went out yesterday and bought a pretty bear with a bow in her hair. She was n a charity shop and looked as though she wanted to come and live in my holiday caravan.

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:33pm

Fantastic to hear this Another Sally! Have you given her a name yet? Xx

Another Sally Thu, Jul 6th 2017 @ 7:36am

Her name is Florence. My dog has been eying her up, but I told him that she is not a toy for him.! It is lovely to have her sitting near me as I read. AS x

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:15am

Good morning Frankie. I'm so glad that you've had a breakthrough and that you are feeling better about the situation. Sending you big hugs xxx

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:21am

Thank-you Jane SG, especially for the hugs! F xxx

waterfall Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:18am

Do admire you Frankie, hope you can continue to not let your sister get the better of you, it must be very very hard.
I remember my mother (no longer with us) whenever I spoke to her on the phone she would reduce me to tears, my husband said "I don't know why you let her, you wouldn't be friends with someone who treated you like she does) of course Blood is thicker than water, there is always a bond. My mother wasn't an alcoholic, just someone who liked to wind me up. When she died I felt so guilty, my brother said you have to let her go, even after 30 years she is still a big influence on my mental state.
Frankie your sister is still about don't let her ruin your life, by trying to please her, my psychotherapist said trying to please everybody the one person you are not pleasing is yourself, very true.
So keep up the good work, smile, and just be thankful you are not your sister, you have choices and you chose a different road, thank goodness.
Bless you xx
Think the sun will come out today hooray

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:32am

Hello waterfall; it's interesting how we "hear" some messages really clearly, usually the negative ones, yet ignore the wise, supportive ones. My brother says similar things to me.... I now realise that sharing my feelings with him doesn't help him; in fact it allows my sister to continue (unknowingly) to wind us all up ... I am now paying much more attention to what my brother says and giving his words more importance. Thank-you, and good luck to you too ... F xx

Mary Wednesday Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:20pm

I read something very interesting the other day. The original meaning of the phrase "blood is thicker than water" refers to the "blood brothers bonding" which is more binding than that experienced with those brothers gained through the waters of birth. A fascinating point.

David Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:24am

Who Dares Wins.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:42am

I was never very good at daring David - it appears that I am learning too! F

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:43am

Spelling mistake; should be "I am learning to" (dare). F

LP Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:27am

Hi Frankie,
I'm so glad for you! it's been a long and hard journey. Detachment. That's where I'd like to be, but I didn't realise it until now!
I didn't think I'd had a eureka moment. I have come a long way, learnt so much, but the individuals have still got to me.
Then It came back to me. The eureka moment. I went on a course called Protective Behaviours set up to teach children, young people and adults resilience amongst other things in relation to domestic abuse.

It was Theme One - "We all have the right to feel safe all of the time." That was the lightbulb being switched on in my darkness. It goes on to look at early warning signs in the body that let us know that we don't feel safe and looks at a range of ideas that are empowering even down to the language that's used in society and unwritten rules.

So the concept of Theme One was a big moment for me.
As much as I gained from it, I realised several months later that I was not untouchable.
It was at this time of year, when work pressure is at it's worst.
The timing of your blog Frankie is perfect.

Detachment. I'm getting another eureka moment!
My suffering stems from early childhood. Problems with attachment. I now find myself deeply affected by similar painful feelings of vulnerability.
Damaged attachment at one end yearning for detachment at the other.

I have some way to go. It FEELS more powerful than I can manage, but that doesn't mean that it is.
How not to feel vulnerable.
What I do have Theme One and hope Frankie, your blog is inspirational.
It seems like I know what I'm looking for.
Big hugs and good wishes to you and all.
London weather report... fine! :) LP xxx

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:40am

Hello LP and thank-you for sharing. It is so easy to forget to look back and see how far we have travelled ... those feelings can be so deceptive! My counsellor says "It's only a thought, and a thought can be changed". Change the thought and the feeling changes. Well done you; self-awareness is the start of all change! F xxx

Orangeblossom Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 7:49am

Hi Frankie, thanks very much for your very encouraging & warm update. I appreciate and need it at this time.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:17am

Morning Orangeblossom. Thank-you. Be gentle with yourself; all things pass and this too will pass ... F

the room above the garage Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:02am

Hello Frankie, this is wonderful and I am so happy for you to feel this little bit of release! It's not a fix it's a change of perspective and I love how even just a slight angle change can make a world of difference! Your loyalty remains, your sister remains part of your life, but you now have a thin armour on which is protecting you. I found a similar change with a family member many years ago after counselling and I've never looked back. I am not really the praying kind but I will send up a little prayer that from your change your sister feels it and is sparked into a change of her own. You have done good work! You may have a gold star and a bag of sweets to yourself! :-D Love ratg x.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:21am

Sophie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:15am

Hi Frankie, thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm glad you are finding an easier perspective. Nearly a year ago, the quote at the end of the daily email was "What would you do today if you loved yourself?" I immediately knew the answer, I would leave my abusive husband. It took a few months, but I did leave him. I'm much happier now. Xx

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 10:29am

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 10:31am

Ok...where did the gremlins appear from??.
That should have read 'wow, Sophie! And brave not grave! Darn it! Blessed tinkers tinkering with my text!! Bear x

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 12:35pm

Oh Sophie, how inspiring. How brave. You have my full respect and lots of love. And now I feel like crying. What would I do today if I loved myself? I'm not sure, I need to have a serious think about this. Thank you for sharing Sophie xx

Sophie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 4:40pm

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It's the 'if' in "What would you do today if you loved yourself" that gave me permission to think I could be worth more. It works for other things too, like "What would you do today if you were talented". Give it a go xx

Sophie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 4:41pm

Thanks Jane - it's a powerful combination of words, right? Xx

Sophie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 4:42pm

Hugs xx

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:04pm

What would I do today if I loved myself? I would stop worrying about whether other people liked/loved me.
As there is only 1 hour left of today here in England maybe I can achieve this-especially if I go to sleep now! I'm going to keep working on this Sophie. I agree that it is a powerful combination of words Xx

Tutti Frutti Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:20am

Wow! Well done! Love TF x

Tutti Frutti Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:21am

The above was meant for Sophie.

Sophie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 4:40pm

Thanks TF xx

Dragonfly Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:22am

Hi Frankie. Like Linda, I remember your blog but didn't comment as I was in a dark place. Still a work in progress (and perhaps a blog!) but I feel that I'm emerging from my chrysalis. Anyway, I'm so happy that you've had this shift, and a new-found resilience to your sad and difficult situation. That really takes some work and strength of character. I'll second Ratg's gold star! x

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:29am

Morning Dragonfly. Thank-you; all gold stars gratefully received! Good luck with your journey, and I would love to read a blog from you, please! F x

Tutti Frutti Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:40am

I would say my Eureka moment was in my first major depression 17 years ago. A friend whose girlfriend had depression and a good counsellor told me that he thought I was depressed and gave me a copy of Feeling Good by David M Burns which had been recommended for his girlfriend. I remember reading the first 2 or 3 chapters and finding the Beck's depression index, and a description of how thoughts cause feelings, 10 thinking errors and how to do CBT exercises. It all made a lot of sense except I couldn't help thinking that it wouldn't work for me because I really was just hopeless at everything and I was right in how I was thinking about it. I remember being really scared before taking the depression test that I would turn out not to be ill. I ended up with a score that was well into depression and when I managed to get some thoughts together and have myself start the exercises, I found that I could see distortions in the thoughts after all.

I am glad that you found the support from moodscope helpful (delighted to be one of your 33 although I don't think I had the experience to be as helpful as many of the others) and that you are in a better place now with your sister. Sending more hugs just in case they still come in handy.

Love TF xoxo

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 9:04am

Hi TF; don't be so hard on yourself! Knowing people were willing me on in itself was (and still is) incredibly empowering. Thank-you for sharing your experience ... I feel another blog coming on ...! Oh, and hugs always come in handy. F xx

Sally Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:46am

Frankie, i well remember your previous blog. I am glad for you that you have found some strength in the comments and are using them. Well done for your breakthrough moment, and realisation that you have the power to respond to your sister in a way that will not damage you. Alcoholics are not thinking of you, just of themselves, when they lash out. After all, they have that "Dutch courage" inside them!! The person they are hurting and cheating most is themselves but in doing so, they don't mind if they drag others down with them!

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 9:07am

Thank-you Sally. It's that lack of awareness of the impact of their actions that can be particularly distressing ... F

Sally Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:10am

Yes! My father used to trivilialise his behaviour towards us. It used to make me FUME!! He just WOULD NOT acknowledge his responsibility for the misery and hurt he caused his family. He employed dirty tricks such as playing one of us off against the other to divide and rule. I used to wish I could have a video record to play back to him. Perhaps then, I would reason, he would be appalled at his behaviour? Who knows...
Good luck, Frankie. With me, it is behind me, thankfully ( but NEVER forgotten and has had a huge impact on our lives) but your sister is still wreaking havoc ...

Angela Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:47am

You are all amazing! Moodscope blogs & replies are a helpful tool to fight mental health issues. Thank you, and good luck Frankie x

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 9:10am

Thank-you Angela. Yes, I have found the blogs and replies, and that sense of a supportive, accepting community invaluable in helping me over the years. Good luck to you too. F x

Jenny Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:51am

I remember reading your original post and thinking how heartbreaking it must be. I realise your eureka moment doesn't change the situation, the only person capable of doing that is your sister. What has changed is your relationship with the situation - you still love your sister but being drawn into the drama of her alcoholism was hurting you and wasn't helpful to her. It's a huge leap forward.

ps - I think the idea of a like button is a great one. I'm sure there are many of us who read the blog regularly but for whatever reason don't feel able to respond (I'm usually one of those silent readers!). I know if I ever posted a blog, knowing others had read it and taken something from it, even if they couldn't say that, would be hugely rewarding.

Jen x

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 9:14am

Hello Jenny; heart-breaking, yes. It feels like a bereavement and I am dealing with it as such. Yes, I wonder whether a "like" blog button is possible - anyone know? Thank-you Jenny. F x

Melanie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 9:16am

Dear Frankie, thank you so much for your wonderful, uplifting, inspiring and grateful blog - you model transformation and how to transform for all of us. Big love and hug, Melanie

PS I do not remember if I was one of the 33 or not - I do remember your blog - I am now since one year a fellow of Al Anon after going out with an alcoholic in 33 years recovery and having other friends about whose drinking I have worried. I love Al Anon! I feel so supported by the literature, the 12 steps and the gently growing friendship of those in the meetings.

Melanie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 9:18am

Al Anon is a gentle gradual programme and advocates detachment with love - perhaps detachment from the behaviour rather than the person - I think I got that last phrase somewhere else however all the things I follow and read and try to do seem to come together these days.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 10:09am

Hello Melanie; yes, I have found Al-Anon helpful. I love your phrase "detachment from behaviour rather than the person". Good luck with your on-going journey and thank-you for your knd words. Hugs back! F

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 10:38am

********here's my LIKE button!

This Bear is giving you eight 'likes' and would give you the stars to the moon and back Frankie, for two amazing blogs but I fear this might cause overload on the blog!
You show such courage to move away from your sister's bad behaviour but I know you still love her and care....which is why she has hurt you all so much. Thinking of you today Frankie- have already emailed you and then opened the blog and here you are!

Bear hugs and love xx

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 1:08pm

Thank-you dear Bear; hugs back! F xx

The Gardener Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 10:58am

Hello Frankie and Waterfall - you've both been through the ordeal of a 'third party' telling you it's just a case of standing up to the bully/manipulator. But so often, you have to change character yourself - not that you are weak and woolly, but feel confrontation, even shouting back, is the wrong approach. The 'toughies' win out, often, due to character or alcoholism they no longer have any decent feelings for others. My mother-in-law bullied me for 25 years. Eventually, I went to a psychotherapist. He said why did I not stand up to her. I said she was an old lady. He made violin playing motions. Then he asked what I wanted to do. He put a pouffe in the middle of the room, and I threw all the cushions, with as much force and venom I could muster, at the pouffe. Then I told my husband. I am glad I DID wait that quarter of a century, if he'd known he'd never have spoken to his mother again. Now, his mother has come out in him. Alzheimers has not totally overtaken his mind - he now positively enjoys rows - I watched Wimbledon for an hour yesterday, and got sworn at - he's always hate tennis. I'm glad for you, Frankie, hope you hold out, and, more that one day your sister might come to her senses. When one of our sons won his battle, he admitted afterwards that he never felt well, and that he must often have driven to work in the morning with too much alcohol in his blood

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:13am

Thank-you dear Gardener; yes, cushions are a better option than chairs (which was what I ended up throwing ...) Good luck for today! Frankie

The Gardener Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:20am

Re manipulating parents - just remembered - I went to visit my ma-in-law to look after her after a cataract operation. There were a charming pair of sisters living opposite, very good neighbours. They called me in one day and said 'We will help where we can, but we will NOT be treated as servants' (she gave them orders as if they were the grocer's boy). Mr G is acting so like his Ma, just realised it. But servants can give notice, have days off, get please and thank you, wives don't.

Anonymous Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:35am

Just saw the words " divide and rule" in Sally's comment and this is exactly what my mother has done for many years. In the last week I have been dealing with the fall out - the most venemous, enraged tirade from my brother which seems to indicate that he has been hating/resenting me for a long time - mainly for pointing out more and more clearly how sad I am that neither he nor my sister feel obliged to support me as I try and do the best I can for our (difficult ) mother. All I can think of is how to protect myself from this onslaught - in the way that Frankie is trying to protect herself from her abusive sister. Although I rarely comment, I am always very glad to know that there is a Moodscope community out there.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 1:14pm

My heart goes out to you, dear Anonymous ... be true to yourself and carry on doing what you think is best; in such tough times, everyone is hurting, and sadly people lash out against their nearest and dearest, from a sense of guilt more often than not ... One coping strategy I used last year as my mother and my aunt deteriorated (anniversary of my aunt's death today) was to refer to them by their first names, not as "mum" and "aunt"; it helped me to behave as an adult and to detach from some of the emotions I was feeling; also to look after myself first, precisely SO that I could look after them ... I wish you strength for the journey ahead; and do comment again if you think we can support you! Frankie

Lex Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:43am

This is such a wonderful breakthrough to share, Frankie. What a perfect example of the Community of Moodscopers enabling positive and permanent change. I know you're massively encouraged, and I believe everyone who reads this will be too. xx

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 12:37pm

I agree. It's an out pouring of love and very inspiring. Incidentally Lex I was sat in a traffic jam this morning, was about to swear then remembered your video. I turned up the music and sang!

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 1:15pm

Thank-you Lex; good to "see" you yesterday! F xx

The Gardener Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 12:48pm

Again to Frankie and Waterfall, on how to deal with these family members who can poison your life even when dead. My father-in-law was a lovely man, the cliche 'Nature's gentleman' applies. His health was wrecked in Egypt in WW1. He then became a good school-master, a good father and a good gardener! In WW2 he was an air-raid warden - hazardous, as the Luftwaffe, having missed their target in London would drop their bombs in Surrey or Kent. He was desperately ill after early retirement, and before eventually going into an awful old peoples' home (an ex workhouse). In his last few years he loved Westerns. His wife was not pleased 'what are you watching that rubbish for' and she would block his view of the screen if she could. Now Mr G is trying to stop any pleasure I might have - two generations, unbelievable

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 1:18pm

Another strategy I often use is affirmations; "I am my own authority" to enable me to do what I think is right; also "Me time enables me to support those I love" ... F

waterfall Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 2:47pm

To The Gardener

waterfall Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 3:04pm

Hi The Gardener, oh! pushed the wrong button.
While I had difficulty with my Mother (who was jealous of me)because of my Father, he would do anything for me. My mother in law didn't like me, I married her only son, not allowed.
Unfortunately they both managed to wind me up, I put up with them for years, often reduced to tears, unfortunately for them, they both at different times caught me at the "wrong time of the month" and they got it with all guns blazing, it was 20 odd years of pent up retaliation in one go, they were flabbergasted, didn't expect it of me. They didn't like one another, but get them together you would think they were the best of friends,
There is a lot more to the tale wont bore you all!!
Yesterday we went to the supermarket do the weekly shop, as I was getting the trolley I heard a chap screaming some very choice words, to I presume his wife/girlfriend, I was quite worried he was going to hit, "give me the f.....g key to the house" he went on to exclaim really horrid words. As we were going in she came hurrying out, I said are you ok, she looked at me surprised and said yes thank you. What some people have to put up with, but I guess Garnener that is what is happening to you now, so sorry.
Don't know what I would do , Bless you keep up the gardening, my son lives in France.
Bye for now xxx

Wyvern Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 3:27pm

A 'like' from me too. I didn't comment on your previous blog - it was a bit too close to my feelings - but it would have been a 'like' as well.
In the words of Hercule Poirot, 'Courage, mon brave.'
The web site Quotable Quotes has this: “Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.”

From the book by Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 4:55pm

Fascinating Wyvern, thank-you! As a language teacher and ex latin student, I really appreciate this. I like the title of the book too. Frankie

Another Sally Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 5:01pm

Hi Frankie, I am so pleased that you have had a breakthrough. This is one of the things that keeps me giving time to the daily blog - the supportiveness and caring shown by all the Moodscopers. I like Lex's idea of 'happenness' too. I reckon that that is something I have been trying to introduce into my daily life.
So many contributors have wonderful ways with words that leave me feeling uplifted. Thank you all.
Sending hugs from me and my new teddy Florence x

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:42pm

Jane SG Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 10:57pm

I love the name Florence! Waving hello to Florence Xx

Silvia Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 6:05pm

Dear Frankie,

I having been away for a long time. Today I choosed to read your blog and what a good post!
Sorry, I could not read other's comments, maybe later.
I remember you a few years ago. I used to answer blogs in 2014 and 2015. I ma from South America, where I live.
Please, receive my kudos and hugs!

Silvia

Mary Wednesday Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:27pm

Hello Silvia - I remember you too. Nice to see you again.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:43pm

Thank-you Silvia; yes, I remember you and thank-you for the hugs! Frankie

Mary Wednesday Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:30pm

Just so happy to read this, Frankie. My sister is not at all like yours, but still we manage to rub each other up the wrong way and she reduces me to tears. I feel totally inadequate when around her. She gets so impatient with me and then I get defensive. Not good. I shall remember this blog when next we speak.

Frankie Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 8:44pm

Thank-you Mary W. I think it is something about that sibling relationship; in our case it is exacerbated by the alcoholism. (I wrote a poem today!) F x

Eva Tue, Jul 4th 2017 @ 11:16pm

Hi Frankie what a lovely blog, I'm so pleased that you got so much from your blog, yeay!

I today realised that I have changed my attitude towards my work, I am no longer frustrated by my limitations, I seem to be accepting and working with them. This as a former work aholic (to prove my worth) is significant.

Also I talked with my counsellor and realised that the friends who think that this fatigue/breakdown is a result of being neurotic might actually be in denial as to the effect of multiple traumatic events all happening at once... If that could happen to me, it might happen to anyone... This makes some of the ways I get treated sometimes clearer to me, but now I have a tool at my disposal, a different perspective is a fine thing.

Go well Frankie you have made a significant step :)

Frankie Wed, Jul 5th 2017 @ 7:08am

Hello Eva, and well done you for your "eureka" moment! I remember you writing about your bereavement when it was fresh. It's hard work grieving; as a society we don't like people talking about their grief which just adds pressure to "act normal" when we feel anything but "normal"! And what a gift and achievement a different perspective is ... Thank-you Eva. F

S Wed, Jul 5th 2017 @ 8:07am

Hi Frankie, well done Frankie, you are living life in a way that is true to yourself. It really is a challenge- you are an inspiration. Thank you, Sx

Frankie Wed, Jul 5th 2017 @ 11:01pm

Nicco Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 12:17am

So pleased you have made such progress, Frankie. I'm late coming to your blog but, believe it or not, I'd just looked over my scores & comments over several months last year. I'm glad my physical pain & exhaustion has eased but my emotional pain at the situation I'm in hasn't, although I do feel in a somewhat stronger place than I was last year. The same situation with my significant other seems to go round and round in repetitive circles & we're back to him pleading with me again. I have a heart but don't want to be a doormat. It's a fine line sometimes. People, esp those we love, can really screw with our minds & emotions & I feel I'm such a push-over, always giving in, always believing his 'I promise there are no more lies, this is the last time...' etc. I'm really unsure what to do as don't want to appear an ogre to the rest of the family by taking him back, esp as he now has nowhere to go, but there's only so much one can take. Sorry, I hadn't meant this to sound so negative, esp in the light of your bravery. I pray things will continue to go well for you & that one day perhaps your sister may see the light. x

Frankie Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 6:21am

Hello Nicco and thank-you for replying. It' s good to read that you are in a better place physically ... I well remember my own frustration at the time it took for my emotions to catch up and show any signs of improving when I had chronic fatigue. Several months, if not well over a year in fact ... When dealing with my sister the phrase "tough love" helps me to stand up for myself, sometimes in the face of considerable emotional blackmail and manipulation. Also I remind myself that I may not be the best person to help her, even though I dearly want to, and that allows me to focus on what is right for me. My lovely counsellor's most recent gem is "doing nothing is, in itself, an action" and I am finding this very powerful and liberating. Hope this helps. F x

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