Thursday, August 13, 2015

Playgrounds are for everyone!

I first heard of the Life on the Swingset website in a Sex is
Fun podcast six or seven years ago (it isn’t being produced anymore, but you
can still listen to archived episodes!).
Although I often directed friends toward the Swingset website, I never
took a good look at it myself, mostly because I was nota swinger.
Non-monogamous? Yes. Slutty? You bet!
But for me, the word “swinger” conjured up images of wife swapping, key
parties, and for some reason, shag carpets.
I didn’t think I belonged because I wasn’t married. Or living in the 1970s. It turns out I was wrong!

Hands down, the best thing I got out of reading Cooper
Beckett’s collection of essays / blog posts My
Life on the Swingset is that it challenged and changed my mind about the
nature of swinging. About what swinging
involves, who swingers are, and the types of relationships and community that
swingers have. This book forced me to think
hard about my preconceived notions and examine my stereotypes.

Cooper’s writing is insightful, hilarious, and incredibly
personal – as many reviewers (mostly other sex educators) have written about
the book, it’s not theory; it’s practice.
There’s a lovely mix of analytical pieces about topics related to
sexuality and relationships (some examples include jealousy, porn, divorce,
coming out as a swinger, and risk aware sex) and firsthand narratives; however,
even when the writing falls on the analytical rather than the personal side of
things, it’s clear that every opinion Cooper includes in his writing comes from
his life experiences (it feels weird using someone’s first name instead of
their last in a review, but his online persona makes me feel comfortable doing
so, which is a beautiful thing).

And he seemingly has a lot
of experience. Enough to make me
think: Man, I am missing out! Can you be part of a swinging community without a partner,
though? Certainly! …if you’re a woman. One of the issues that Cooper tackles
gracefully in his book / on the website is the double standard of accepting
bisexual women in swinging communities and at play parties but not bisexual
men. This is manifested in part by the
fact that single women are often invited and encouraged to come to play parties
while single men are banned (I realize there are other reasons for this – some
of them very good reasons – but I think that biphobia plays a part in it). He also includes an essay about another issue
of inclusivity in swinging: ageism. It’s
nice that in a body of work that so clearly supports and advocates for its
subject, there’s still room for constructive criticism of that subject.

For me, the book’s greatest strength lies in Cooper’s
thoughtfulness regarding complex and murky issues. He writes very honestly about changing relationship
dynamics and how we have to let go sometimes in order to grow and change. About experimenting with polyamory and trying
to navigate the amorphous landscape between swinging, poly, and ethical
non-monogamy. About the bullshit
hierarchy that some folks in SOP communities try to impose on each other
despite the fact that we have more similarities than differences. About feelings of confidence and fear of
rejection and how they relate to being able to engage in open relationships.

He even calls on his readers to reconsider their definition
of sex (and tells us in no uncertain terms that sex becomes better when you do,
which I would attest to).

There are comic pieces, too – how to install a sex swing; a
story about an amazing prostate orgasm, making me wish on ALL the stars that I
had a prostate; and lots of funny entries about how not to be a dick. There are a few long-winded pieces toward the
end that were written in the wee hours of the morning after fucking all night
at Desire Resort in Mexico; reading them was akin to listening to the high
ramblings of your one friend who still has dreadlocks even though he’s 37. I can forgive those pieces, though, seeing as
how sex actually makes us high (see
Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Arefor
more about that).

Overall, I found the book very enjoyable and would recommend
it to anyone who’s considering opening up their relationship OR anyone who just
wants to swing along vicariously through Cooper Beckett’s life. He’s bared it all for us, and it costs less
than a fancy coffee house drink, so there’s really no excuse not to read it. There’s even an audio version if you want to
hear it read in Cooper’s ridiculously sexy deep voice. Speaking of – I had never listened to the
Swingset podcast before reading this book, but I do now; I also recommend checking that out!

Lastly, a personal note: there’s this piece in the book about
the joy inherent in making out like a teenager – that kind of making out where your
lips hurt afterward. I had this
magnificent two-hour makeout session under a subway station in the pouring rain
after being inspired by reading it. It
was all quite giddy and romantic, even when we got yelled at by old men. Especially when we got yelled at by old
men. So thanks for that, Cooper
Beckett!