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Giving wings to this burden

“So what is it about drinking that makes you not want to stop?” asked my mental health nurse, today.

I had to think about it for awhile.

“I have no sense of time”, I replied.
“When I’m boozed, every moment is just that: a moment. Every booze night is nothing but a series of NOW with no thought about the future. I don’t get sick, I don’t get tired. I can drink beer for 20 hours and never throw up, never pass out. My body doesn’t know it should stop, my mind certainly doesn’t want to stop, and before I know it, the sun is up, I’m incoherent and the world crashes in on me again, taking me away from what is basically a magical place of No Worrying, hurling me into a place of pure self-hatred and regret”.

I lose days to drinking. The 12 – 18 hours of the drinking, plus the day or two hangover and comedown that sees me unable to move from the couch, crying at the drop of a hat.

I can’t do it any more. If I want a future, a life that is fulfilling, I just have to face the fact that it cannot involve alcohol.

I’ve made this decision on numerous occasions, but for the first time, it’s a relief. It isn’t something I feel I have to do to please others, this decision is solely for me, this time. It isn’t something I feel conflicted about. I am not sad that I will never share another wine with my mother, or drunk karaoke sing with my friends. Sure, I will miss those moments and I will struggle with them, but I’ve finally reached that place where all of that comes second to giving myself the very best chance that I have to live the life I dream about.

With any luck, my GP will prescribe me the magic no-booze pills that will help me to stay on track. If not, well, I’ll have to smack myself up the face every time I think about having a drink. I want one with every fibre of my being, but that feeling will pass. The self-hatred and disappointment of a binge is what stays with me forever.

It’s been a long and shitty road, but I’m so incredibly happy to be done with it. You cannot imagine the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders.

“Every booze night is nothing but a series of NOW with no thought about the future.”

I love this! And share the feeling… thanks for clarifying this thought.
Best of luck with this change – I read somewhere that it takes roughly 21 days for the human body to kick a habit. Keep busy and time will fly by!

Oh yes I can imagine the feeling of that yoke being lifted. My addiction wasn’t alcohol it was cocaine and meth and never did I think i could or even wanted to be drug free.I don’t know if you are a religious person or not , I wasn’t particularly , but I got to the point where I said God I can’t do this anymore!I’m done!Whatever happens is up to You. It felt so good to give up the responsibility to someone else.It wasn’t and hasn’t been easy but it has been seven years. YOU CAN DO IT!!

I had the same compulsion to drink alcohol. I stopped drinking for similar reasons to you…because I knew deep down that there was more to life and that I had more to give life. I found strength in numbers (people) and through opportunities to be useful. I got sober with AA. There are many ways to approach getting and maintaining sobriety and you’ll find what works for you…you may try different things (rehab, AA, medication) and you may “fall off the wagon” many times. Don’t lose heart and try not to isolate yourself. What I have experienced and understand about alcoholism is that it is an illness that will relentlessly tell me that it doesn’t exist (bit of a head f**k really).

I have been living sober (not always happily :-)) but authentically, for almost 10 years. Hard to believe really..I’m also still relatively young and have just had my first baby – a life beyond my wildest dreams!

Btw, the only requirement for AA membership (and that doesn’t mean that you have to sign up to anything or pay any money or be beholden to anyone or anything. Remember its a place that is full of people that think the same as you and will not be told what to do!) is the DESIRE to STOP drinking. That’s it. I haven’t actually been to a meeting for a few years now and as I’m writing I’m being teleported back to the days when I used to go to meetings, sometimes 3 times a week. Wherever I am in the world, I will always be welcome at an AA meeting! That gladens my heart.

Listen, good luck with everything and be willing to accept help when it comes along.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your own story. It’s really heartening to see that someone who knows exactly where I am right now has made it to the shining light at the end of this tunnel.

Good luck. There is no more important or essential choice than the one you have made, for many reasons. My mother, now in a nursing home at 76, her dementia certainly somewhat alcohol related, ruined her life and mine by choosing a bottle filled with liquor over the love and affection and respect she could have otherwise enjoyed.

You are young enough to have a great life ahead of you without the crutch of alcohol and drunken stupors. You will find people who adore you for who you are, not the drunk/buzzed/hungover/irresponsible you. It will be hard as hell at first, and you may need to find new friends who value the “new” you. I really admire you for trying.

I realised the other day that my biggest fear in the world is that I would never be able to have children… and my second biggest fear is that I would – and I would destroy them with the selfish self-destruction that comes from my drinking. I’m sorry that alcohol stole your life without your consent.

Your comment has strengthened my resolve. I know I can do this, I don’t need to be this person any more.

Thank you for sharing about the “why”. I have never drank alcohol and sincerely (and hopefully non-judgementally) wonder what keeps people going back to it. Your simple explanation about yourself made sense to me and perhaps you knowing what it was, made you want to do something different.

Well written and honest post! I have been there! When I was younger I drank to live in that happy place and forget about all the problems life hurled at me when I was sober! I pray that you will continue on the road to wholeness and healing because it is so worth it!! When I was in an outpatient therapy it wasn’t the just out of college teeny bopper therapist that had her cheerleading pics up of all her college friends… I laughed inside and thought.. You know she is out partying it up every weekend and then coming to work and pouring her “heart” out on us poor alcoholics that didn’t know when enough was enough…. No it definitely wasnt her who helped me!! It was my group counselor who was actually the director of the program and…. imagine this… a former alcoholic himself!! He was the one that told us one night… Find 2 people in your life that are 5 years older than you… one that is using and one thats not…. Which life do you want?! Because the 5 years are going to fly by before you know it and its gonna be your life… so choose.

Ever since alcohol took hold of me in this way, I haven’t moved too far forward in life. I’ve certainly taken steps, and with the help of wonderfully supportive friends, family and colleagues am not afraid to change the things I need to… but I was going around in circles, years slipping by with very little to show for it.

Congrats hon!! I am so excited to follow where this road will take you! If you ever need encouragement or just someone to be supportive let me know! I had to totally change my friends and environment to make an effective change.. I know it won’t be easy but like I mentioned before… it will be SOOOO worth it! I hope you don’t mind me asking but for me I drank as a numbing mechanism for a lot of the painful things in my past… it only made it worse because it led to more bad decisions and compromising situations. But have you dealt with the underlying reasons that you chose alcohol to “self-medicate”? If you don’t deal with the underlying past hurts and process through those it is hard to resist when those triggers come up in your life.

I drank for the very same reason, I think. To numb pain, or to find an escape from it.
I’ve been seeing a psychologist with a view to seeing a psychiatrist in time.
I am actually beginning to notice all of that baggage beginning to slough away. It doesn’t control me any longer. I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life, I feel as though I’m the one in control – not my past, not my emotions and not the alcohol.
Thank you for your generous offer of support. The same goes to you, if you need it for any reason.
I am so thankful to this post being Freshly Pressed as it’s given me the opportunity to meet and befriend so many new and truly inspirational people.

Addiction is a very powerful thing and habits are very hard to break. I applaud you for making this commitment to yourself and recognizing (as only you can really do) when it’s time to finally choose a different (sober) way of dealing with things. I feel for you and wish you all the best now & in the years to come. Be strong.

I wish you luck on your journey. It is a brave and powerful thing – your openness and willingness to bare your soul. I am sure others are encouraged – and may your resolve remain strong. I’ve not had an issue with alcohol, but we each choose our own poison, I believe.

Wow Congratulations…Trust in God to free you from this addiction…It sounds like you already have and He is carrying you thru this….I recently (7 wks ago) quit smoking after 35 yrs…I have tried on many occasions and always started again…This time God freed me from the addition….It has been so wonderful to be free of this burden…I am praying for your continued success…Blessing upon you…

Thanks Mary, addictions are a fight, and they are entirely worth getting through. I look forward to reading about how you are growing and changing in this struggle. As strange as it sounds I am excited for you.

I really admire that you were able to realize that you can still share with your mom and your friends without alcohol. The social pressures and sentimental thoughts are often the hardest to overcome. It’s clear that you have a lot of support, so I know you can do it.

Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. This post deserves the recognition.

Don’t give in. Keep reminding yourself of how good it feels to feel clear-headed and in control. CONTROL:-)
Been there, done that, threw away the T-shirt!
AND, NEVER COUNTED DAYS SINCE I STOPPED DRINKING. I didn’t find it important.
You can do it for someone who craves your love: YOU🙂 !

It’s the sense of being in control that has me so elated.
I don’t think I will count days either, I prefer to keep looking forward, rather than constantly reminding myself of where I began.
The number of days sober don’t really matter, it’s what I do with those days.
Thank you for your comment🙂

Congrats on being FP. The strength you displayed by writing this post will help others facing similar struggles with those oh-so-human, self-destructive tendencies (whatever their particular flavor may be). We’re all rooting for you. As I’m sure you know, like life in general, it’s a day-at-a-time challenge to be self-affirming and not self-defeating in thought and action. Take good care.

I’ve found that the comments I’ve received on this post have helped me with my struggle – there’s so much support out there, as well as similar stories that I feel even more determined, and that it isn’t quite as insurmountable as it occasionally seems.

Wow….fantastic post very touching and inspiring. All the best of luck on the rest of your journey. I used to drink a lot but only to escape for a while. I was always too scared of letting anything take control of me to do it for too long.🙂🙂🙂

I admire your ability to reflect and share your struggles with the blogging community. It was very brave and must speak to lots of people going through similar situations, as well as, in my case, family members of people suffering from alcoholism who are trying to understand what goes on in the minds of those struggling with addiction. Thank you.

If I can help anyone with my experiences, then it doesn’t seem so much like time wasted as experience gained.

People who have been given no choice but to live a life infected with addiction, such as family members, are in my opinion the real heroes.

I wrote about addiction a very long time ago, on a very old blog of mine, following the passing of an old friend. Essentially, it’s much easier to see the disease than the person behind it. Those who still see the person are the strong ones and the biggest victims of addiction. It’s their strength that is most admirable, I believe.

I suppose we all have those struggles of discovering our limits, and I think that alcohol education needs to be as severe and honest as the anti-smoking campaigns I’ve seen in my country over the past ten years.

When you live in a place like Australia, where alcohol is not just celebrated but revered, and getting shitfaced is the norm, it’s very easy to not even notice that you are pushing your limits, until the substance has its claws in you.

that is true for all addictions, but when your poison is not just socially acceptable but encouraged, despite the reasons you give for your protest, it makes it very difficult to stay strong.

Good luck with your own struggle. I hope you find your limits before you lose them altogether. That’s the slippery slope!

You are brave for sharing this, and I hope that you find peace and love in a life without alcohol. The world may seem heavy and terrifying at times, but it is a beautiful place and life is a gift you deserve to experience in a loving reality. Bon Voyage!

Well written, heartfelt post, thank you very much for sharing. You sound brave and determined. I sense you will manage to set yourself free, for no other reason than you sound ready. Please be gentle to yourself on the road of this new life you have chosen for yourself. I hope you will travel far.
On a more personal note, I find it sad that addiction stories so often revolve around alcohol (a very challenging substance) and less often around equally horrific street drugs. Your post makes it clear that addiction is the issue. Whether one is fighting vodka or crack cocaine should be entirely irrelevant.

Thanks for expressing this in a way that is so real. Everyone can say they ‘want’ to quit (insert x addiction) but it is also important to be ready, to be at a place where you are no longer scared of letting go of the addiction being a part of you. Well perhaps you/we are still scared, but the desire to be healthy is greater than the fear. Best of luck in taking good care of yourself.

I’ve been blogging for 13 years, most of it really quite personal. I do it to make sense of myself, not necessarily to share it with the world – the reason I make it public is because of this result – a big conversation that brings about so many different perspectives and opinions.

I don’t feel brave. I feel a bit like I’m cheating when people say that, haha! I can’t help writing these things, even if there’s no audience to read it.

I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound like I am ungrateful for your comment – I guess I just never considered it as being brave🙂

Hats off to you! Your courage for sharing a piece of your life is admirable and so is your decision to change your lifestyle. I’m glad you feel that way about writing. It really does wonders not just to yourself but also to others out there who may be having the same challenges you’re bravely facing.