We Had Fireworks After All

We didn’t even watch others shoot them off. Nor did we attend our city’s big fireworks show either. My special-need son is in bed by 8:30 at night and it’s barely dark.

No time at the pool or lake.

No backyard games and activities.

No sports, no activities, no Independence Day festivities.

In our limited, and structured special needs world, with a son both cognitively and physically challenged, holidays are anything but typical. They usually are just another brutal reminder of how different, sometimes dismal, our lives can be.

No summer trips to the beach or Disney World. No roller coasters or water slides. No Facebook posts of our travels and experiences.

I think a lot about the dad I would have been if my son were typical.

We would do so many activities together as a father and son. Ball games, camping, backyard fun, fishing, watching sports together- I was ready to be a typical dad to a typical son.

But this? I wasn’t ready for this.

No one is ever really ready to be the father of a child with special needs. Sometimes I grieve the life that could have been and the father I would have been as well.

Last night, my now seventeen-year old non-verbal son and I sat on a swing on our back deck as dusk fell.

No one said a word. The only sounds were from the birds singing in the trees and our feet as they periodically scraped the deck.

We rocked back and forth in the silence.

Back and forth.

And then it happened.

Jon Alex leaned his head over and rested it on my shoulder. He looked up and me and grinned.

As we continued swinging, I put my arm around him and told him I would love him forever. I told him to always remember how much I love him just the way he is, and I reminded him that will never change.

We continued on for quite a while in silence. Father and son.

Love requires no words.

Then I realized we had fireworks after all. They were just shooting off in my heart.

I am not the dad I once hoped I would become. Instead I am becoming the dad God hoped I would become.

God did not give me Jon Alex because he thought Jon Alex needed me. God gave me Jon Alex because he knew I needed Jon Alex.

About Jeff Davidson

Jeff is the Founder and CEO of Rising Above Ministries, a national special-needs ministry. He also leads the No More Vacant Dads initiative. Jeff feels he was chosen to be the father of a son with special needs, and he writes from the heart of a special-needs dad. He is a pastor, speaker, and writer who writes for several online publications and blogs. Learn more about Jeff and follow him through his personal site, goodnightsuperman.com. He is the author of the book " No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches: a father, a son with special needs, and their journey with God."

Good Morning,
You don’t know how happy I am to find your blog. I immediately sent this page to my husband at work. I know he struggles with the same feelings of what his life would have been if our boys didn’t have FragileX. He is a great Dad, but I know he worries about them. Thank you again and I look forward to reading more! Lisa Moreno

So very appreciative of your sharing your journey. It is easy to allow ourselves to think about what might have been, but you are right; there is nothing like the fireworks of the heart when we realize how blessed we are to be the one that gets to share the level of love and trust and joy known only by those who are loved by special needs children. My granddaughter fills my heart with joy every time I see or think of her. What a blessing she is in my life. You, Becky, and Jon Alex are held close in my heart.

Jeff,
Wonderful story! I too have a SN son who is 10. Unlike your son he’s verbal and can do some of these things on the 4th of July, yet sometimes I feel lost and hopeless as a father of a SN son. Many times thinking what it could have been, yet I experience a much fulfilling different kind of life not of my own but of my son. Support groups with other dads going through the same journey is a God sent. I am glad I found your blog, I look forward to reading more of your stories.

“I am not the dad I once hoped I would become. Instead I am becoming the dad God hoped I would become.”

Greetings from Manila, Philippines! Your beautiful post just reduced me to tears. I am a mom to a 5 year old boy who has ASD and just before the acceptance phase, I have cried so many times and have asked God why it had to be this way.

Today, I have so much appreciation for the little miracles, victories and progress my kid brings. My boy has taught me to not take these things for granted and to cherish every moment of this life with him.

I was so touched by your comments. I have felt that way many times as a mother of 2 young ladies ( 19 and 23) with severe disabilities. I am becoming the mother He wants me to be instead of what I thought I would be.
We must treasure these times with our children. For me it is what carries me thru the rough moments besides God’s grace.
thank you michelle

Your words are so touching. I’m a speech therapist and I’ve worked with many disabled students over the years. I believe so deeply in “moments” (despite my job in a public school where progress is always the goal). I’ve always said that no matter how different a child’s brain may be, they know when they’re loved. All children know when the people in their lives genuinely care. No words are needed and you confirm this with your story. I’ve always said that parents of special needs children are the real warriors of the parenting community. You confirm this! I applaud your ability to share your life with such grace. God knew what he was doing when he paired you with your son.