A government spokesman said: “Twatopolis will consolidate our city’s status as a hub for the biggest twats on the planet.

“Footballers, their dreadful wives, sleazebag billionaires and cackling middle-management hen parties will come in their droves because it is very big, very expensive and the weather is hot.”

Footballer Wayne Hayes said: “Can I buy shoes that cost more than a hospital? Are they very colourful and can I carry them away in big shiny bags? Can I then eat a burger while my wife gets some hot ‘healing mud’ poured on her? And then buy some shit art?