LEXINGTON, KY- Multiple female students have been claiming alleged murder on campus recently. Kelly Liarson, Sarah Misinterpretation, and Maria Forgery “narrowly escaped death” by gunshot on Friday afternoon outside of the 90 while openly flaunting their non-bulletproof clothing and the fact that they were unarmed. Victims were taken to University Hospital after the incident, but… Read More Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down

THE ETHEREAL VOID BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT, KY- In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so… Read More Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely

Last Tuesday, reporters were shocked to discover that a public figure known primarily for repeatedly and unabashedly lying to the public said something that was, in fact not true. “We’ve triple- and quadruple-checked this statement,” one incredulous reporter said, “and the facts just don’t add up. There is just no way to interpret this comment… Read More Liar Continues to Lie

ALEPPO, SYRIA- Residents of Aleppo, Syria were vaguely unenthusiastic about a bombing last Thursday that left three people dead, dozens injured, and the majority apathetic. This bombing marks exactly the umpteenth time that Isis has done something evil this week. “I mean, the first time they destroyed my home and my wife and kids, I… Read More ISIS Still Being Evil