Equal Time for Necrophiliacs!

Yesterday California’s activist supreme court struck down the state’s law banning gay marriages, so now they’re legal until a constitutional amendment on the subject can be passed. I guess it’s time to bring out an e-mail I received the last time gay marriage was in the news, because it is now relevant again:

A Passionate Plea to the CCAR
from the Chevre of Kadisha

The Central Conference of American Rabbis, the council that sets policy in the name of the Reform movement, recently voted at its meeting in North Carolina to sanction officiating at homosexual “weddings” by Reform Rabbis. Having taken this first step in the direction of enlightenment and toleration, we think the CCAR did not go far enough. There are other oppressed minorities in America in need of recognition and sympathy, including other groups stigmatized by bigots as practicing “abnormal” sexual habits. The time has come for the CCAR to recognize these other non-traditional families and relationships. It would be sending the right signal to Vermont and other progressive groups of people.

We represent the members of the last sexually-repressed sexual minority in America, the necrophiliacs. We are mad and we are tired of being victimized and discriminated against. Necrophilia activist groups have been spouting up all over, and signal the emergence of the last great oppressed sexual minority from the closet. And the time has come for the Reform movement to welcome us into your hearts and Temples.

“Why should not we be free to marry whom we choose?” asks our spokesperson Roger Mortis, who heads a necrophilia encounter group in Tombstone, Arizona. “I mean, who says people have to live in old-fashioned Ozzie and Harriet traditional family structures, with their rigid role models? Who says a person’s lover must be alive?”

We necrophiliacs are demanding that our freedom to choose our own partners be recognized in law. In particular, we object to that part of the marriage vow that states, “Until death do us part.” What kind of bigotry is THAT?

Our leading militant activist group, PROP UP, has been lobbying for necrophiliac marriage to be recognized in all states. In particular, we necrophiliacs demand to have our rights recognized in all that is involved in pensions, insurance, and employee benefits. “How come Social Security only grants benefits to insuree SURVIVORS? What kind of arbitrary discrimination is that?”, asks Mortis. “And you should have seen the problems I had when I tried to take my partner with me on a plane to Club Med. I was told I had to leave behind my girlfriend Christine – I actually call her Corpus Christie – and so I told the snooty ticket agent, ‘Over My Dead Body.'”

We necrophiliacs claim we are victims of long-time prejudice and misinformation. We are often called nasty names and regarded as mentally unstable. But who is to say what is normal? The fight against necrophobia has been adopted by all politically correct movements and progressive individuals.

Since necrophilia activism has emerged on the American scene, many of us are coming out of the closet, or – as we prefer – out of the morgue. Including some Hollywood celebrities.

Meanwhile, necrophilia activists have been approaching various religious communities with the request that their rights be recognized. Already radical Unitarians agree to officiate at necrophiliac marriage ceremonies. The Episcopalians will debate later this month whether necrophiliacs, or those romantically involved with the Life-Challenged – as many prefer to be known, can serve as Church ministers. We expect the PC branch of the Reform Synagogue movement to join in and to officiate at marriage ceremonies for the unliving. When asked how such a position could be advocated in light of traditional Jewish opposition to such abominations, Rabbi David Saperstein, head of the Religious Action Center of the Reform synagogue movement, has observed, “Since when does being a good Rabbi have anything to do with Judaism?”

Meanwhile, assorted services and institutions are cropping up to serve this long-neglected community. Some lawyers are now offering a package deal in which they do probate for clients and get a marriage license at the same time. Assorted Las Vegas chapels have cropped up to perform necrophiliac weddings. At one we visited, background muzak for the guests played the old Bobby Boris Pickett hit, the Monster Mash “It was the mash, it was the monster mash, it was the mash, it was a graveyard smash.” Another chapel specialized in conducting the ceremony in a hearse, with theme song taken from the old Mister Ed show: “A hearse is a hearse, of corpse of corpse, and you can get hitched in a hearse, of corpse.”

Other cultural impacts of necrophiliacs are being felt, along with a revival of 1960’s rock and roll music, specially adopted for those with romantic ties to the Non-Living. “Each night I ask the stars up above, why must I be a cadaver in love,” or “Yummy yummy yummy I’m in love with a mummy,” and an entirely new meaning for the song “Roll over Beethoven and give Tchaikovsky the news.”

Necrophiliacs have become welcome guests on all the popular TV chat shows. We have also taken on the medical and psychological communities. “Who are they to prejudge us?” says Mortis indignantly. Necrophiliac activists have adopted a different use of the term “straight” and use it to describe those who have relations with the living. So for a necrophiliac, a regular homosexual is called “straight gay” and a heterosexual is “straight straight.” We have also been lobbying the medical research community to change its priorities. “After all,” says Mortis, “they are spending hundreds of billions on finding a cure for AIDS, but hardly a dime for finding a cure for rigor mortis.” The most outrageous insult to our pride was from Hillary Clinton and the reps at the International Women’s Conference in Beijing a few years back, where they proclaimed the official existence of five genders. Necrophiliacs claim they are the sixth gender and they are tired of being overlooked.

For now, insists Mortis, I will just live a quiet life with my partner, and in order to keep a bit of her presence with me wherever I go, I intend to keep a stiff upper lip.

We therefore demand that the Rabbis of the Reform synagogue movement end their bias and bigotry and recognize necro-marriages at ONCE.

Thank you.

PEGER = People for Ethical and Generous Equality for the Recentlylived