Tag Archives: beer

I recently quit my pizza job, so there will be no more Delivery Tales from me. Instead, I’ll offer up interesting stories, if any, from my days of working customer service. My new job is doing that very thing at a gas station.

Tonight was only my second night on the register, and was also the beginning of my second week on the job. I only had to ring up a couple of customers, and this story is about one of them. A younger Mexican guy buying gas and beer.

He came up to the counter, set the beer down, and began looking through his wallet. He then mumbled something that I couldn’t quite understand. I tapped the 12 pack with my hand and asked for his ID. He gave me something that looked like an ID, but I had no idea what it was.

I didn’t understand anything on it other than his birthday, and since it said he was of age I accepted it, even though the card looked like he made it himself out of construction paper. He then said again what it was he had mumbled, and I just barely understood him.

That was it. So I rang it all up and told him the total, which was just over forty bucks. He handed me a hundred dollar bill, one of those new ones that would be pretty hard to fake. I looked around for a marker to make sure it was real, even though I had no doubt it was, and couldn’t find one.

So he pulled one out of his pocket and let me use it.

This man, who was dressed like he just got done working some sort of construction job outside, pulled out a money checking marker from his pocket. He just happened to travel around with one at all times. Who the fuck does that? I delivered pizza and didn’t do that.

I marked the bill and the mark, like the marker, was black. The last time I used one of those markers it turned black if the bill was a fake, but was normally brown.

I studied the marker and it said it was a bill checking marker, so I accepted the results it had given me.

To recap, a Mexican came in with an ID that looked fake and terribly made, handed me a brand new $100 bill, and gave me his own money checking marker to check the money he had just given me. How legit is that? And I used his marker to check his money like it wasn’t completely pointless to do so.

I went to hand him back the marker and he told me to keep it.

He had his own money checking marker. Obviously he had a need to have one if he’s carrying one around with him at all times. But he told me to keep it, which means he doesn’t just have one, he’s got more at home. That’s pretty serious shit there. Who the hell needs that many money checking markers? Bankers maybe. Maybe he’s a banker. That sounds legit.

After he left I thought about it and realized I had done something terribly stupid. But I’m new, so whatever. I had been using my trainer’s register, so it was logged in under her name. Our policy is that we have to put all 50’s and 100’s in the safe as soon as we get them, so after I realized what I had done, I gave her the bill and told her to drop it, and she did without a second thought.

They’re pretty laid back at my job, so I’m sure nothing will happen because of that transaction. But if I get deported, cause that would happen, you’ll know why.

While speaking with Leah in the comments section of my Monkees piece, and then speaking with Keith Brogdon on Facebook (Keith was the drummer for one of my favorite bands Bare Jr.) I’ve come to the realization that I love Traffic. They jam and that’s okay by my standards.

I also realized that I’m drunk. This happened after I drank some cherry infused vodka and then some beer.

That brings me up to an interesting thing. I ran out of weed a few days ago and we don’t have the money to get any more. So I’m doing without, mostly also because I need to get a job and those bastards drug test. Earlier on my way to get the beer I stepped outside and apparently just before I did that a skunk had been hanging around and sprayed something. So it smelled like weed outside. God hates me.

But I have (had) pizza Pringles, so everything’s okay. For now.

Also, I’ve been pitching articles to Cracked to see if I can get published over there. If so I’ll do it under another of my pen names, Alan Marsden. So keep a look out there for my article, because they just accepted one of the four I’ve pitched. It’s currently in the Editorial phase right now, which means it very well can still not be picked, but I’m one step closer than I was just moments ago.

When they accepted my pitch for Editorial, they made a drunk man very happy. And with that, I’m just sayin.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you look in the fridge, see you have 8 beers left, and are pissed because you only have 8 beers left.

I mean, I’m drunk now, so obviously 8 beers was enough. I’m actually drinking the eighth as I write this.

Was this a party night? Were there guests over? Was a sports game on?

No.

This is a typical night for me when I have beer. That’s a big “WHEN” because sometimes I go for a period of time without it. That period sucks, but it makes those tiny periods when I do have beer that much more enjoyable.

Which is why I over over-indulge. You see, I would love to have a nice beer, a good beer, something with body. Like an amber style beer, Amberbock would be a nice choice, as would Killian’s. But I can’t have those because they cost too god damn much. I’ve even started drinking Hudy Amber, a newer beer that is a very good amber style beer, but low on cost, since it’s made by Hudepohl. But even then, I can get a 12 pack of it in bottles for $10. Not TOO bad if I want to treat myself.

I always go, though, with the cheap purchase. Get more for my money. Like a 30 pack of Keystone Light. Can’t go wrong there. Unless I’m trying to watch how much I drink. Because my fridge with 30 cans of beer in it is a welcome sign to drunken bliss.

The only problem with that is, a 30 pack literally only lasts me 3 days. That should average out to 10 a day, but I’m much better than that. Typically I can kill a 12 pack with no problem, and most of the time I want more after I’ve had that.

So you can see why tonight I was a little upset that I only had 8 beers left. The good news for me was, I was slightly tired. So 8 did the trick.

I habitually go to parties where there will be just four of us and the question will be asked; “Do you think two 30 packs will be enough?” The answer is always “no” and we go get another one.

Yes, I can party with just 4 people. If you can’t, you don’t know how to party.

The upside, besides getting drunk for no particular reason? I recycle cans and get paid for doing so. Sure it’s not much, but whatever I get always contributes to another 30 pack. You see? That’s good economics.

I just discovered the official top ten signs that you could possibly be an alcoholic. This is the OFFICIAL list. In other words, a committee got together on this, picked through thousands of entries, and came up with this, the definitive ten signs that could without a doubt tell that you are an alcoholic. You can find this list here. That link is just in case you find it as ridiculous as I do and want to verify that I didn’t make it up.

Now let’s go over their list while a drunk tells you what he thinks of it. And then I’ll give you the real signs to verify your alcoholism.

1. Do you drink alone? Who doesn’t? If you go out once a week and have a glass of wine, good for you. You are most definitely not an alcoholic. BUT, if you come home from work, you had a rough day, you kick off your shoes and you grab a beer or a glass of wine, you plop down on the couch and drink your drink while enjoying the silence and solitude of the moment, that most definitely does NOT make you an alcoholic. Just because alcoholics tend to drink alone doesn’t mean everybody who drinks alone is an alcoholic. Just because a lot of people who enjoy having sex also enjoy masturbating doesn’t mean everybody who has sex masturbates. However, with this point in mind, I have to answer yes to it.

2. Do you lie about the amount of alcohol you consume? If you do this, chances are good you’re an alcoholic.

In life there are two sets of heavy drinkers. There are alcoholics and there are drunks. To get the joke out of the way early, an alcoholic goes to meetings, a drunk doesn’t.

In all actuality, there is a difference. I, myself, am a drunk and I have known alcoholics. I’ll get to the differences later, but for this particular sign, this is an alcoholic move. Drunks will gladly tell you how much they drank the previous night. They might even overestimate how much they had, just to make the story more epic.

Whoa, what’s that? You can lie BOTH WAYS. It looks as if the question they asked is VAGUE. According to them, if you lie and say you drink less than you do, you’re an alcoholic. But, if you lie and say you drink MORE, you’re labeled as an alcoholic. So, I have to answer yes to this one. Because at one time I did say to a cop who pulled me over that I only had two when I actually had twenty-two.

3. Has your toleration to alcohol increased? I’m just going to go ahead and combine this one with 6. Do you consume more alcohol than you used to? First of all, if you drink beer on a regular basis, you are going to get a tolerance. Period. This, of course, will make you drink more alcohol than you used to. So, they both go together. That is, to say, you drink to get drunk. Which, why the hell would you drink for any other reason? I can’t have just one beer, which makes me a drunk. Alcoholics can’t just have one either. There’s a difference, though, and I’ll explain it in a bit. However, if you’re drinking to get drunk every time you drink and you drink regularly, your tolerance is going to go sky high. That doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic. It just means you drink a lot, which means at the very least you’re just a drunk. So what does this mean? I have to answer yes to it.

4. Do you drink much more than your friends? What the hell does this tell us about anything? What if you have a friend who doesn’t drink at all? If you have one drink, you automatically drink more than your friend. This one is bogus. I have friends who don’t drink, so yes, I drink more than they do.

5. Do you drink first thing in the morning to alleviate a hangover? This could work but it doesn’t stop when it should. What this question asks is, if you drink one night and wake up the next morning with a hangover, do you drink to get rid of the hangover? This, in the drinking world is called “hair of the dog”. But for this question’s sake, it’s too vague. I read that and instantly thought, if you drink once a year and get drunk and have a hangover the next morning, do you drink a beer to kill the pain? Would ANY OF YOU consider a person who did this to be an alcoholic? Of course not. Drinking twice a year would hardly constitute that. Unless the person in question drinks twice a year meaning they only stopped drinking for a day that year. Then yes, they are an alcoholic.

What this question should ask is, do you drink first thing EVERY morning to alleviate a hangover? If that’s the case, then you are an alcoholic. Because I’ve done this a few times before and I am not an alcoholic. But, I have to answer yes even though I don’t do it every morning, but I have done it.

7. Do you blackout while you drink? If you do this a lot, you are an alcoholic and you shouldn’t be drinking. If you black out, you are doing things that could potentially kill you and you won’t even know it. That’s fucked up and you should stop drinking.

However, one time when I was eighteen I blacked out while drinking. It was the only time I’ve ever done that (that I can recall). Apparently that night I almost burned my face off trying to light a cigarette, and I continuously tried to get everybody to go swimming. Had I gone swimming that night, I probably would have drowned. But I don’t remember any of it. As funny as it is to tell, I’m still embarrassed to this day that I did that, and that was 13 years ago.

With what this question asks, though, that would mean I’m an alcoholic because I blacked out when I drank. It only happened once, but the question isn’t specific enough, so now I have to answer yes to this question.

8. Do you often drink after work to calm your nerves? Hey, we’ve already been over this. But, if you’re doing this on a regular basis, then you should probably FIND A NEW FUCKING JOB. It doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic though. When you discover you can’t come home from work, even after a good day, and not have a beer, you’re probably an alcoholic. But, if you come home from work and drink a beer, once every week or two, you are not an alcoholic. Again, this question is vague and again, I would have to answer yes to it by the way it is asked.

9. Do you suffer from alcohol related accidents or legal problems? As this question is asked, if you drank alcohol only once in your life, but while you were drinking you tripped while walking down a flight of stairs and broke your leg, you are an alcoholic. Also, even if you have never drank a drop of alcohol in your life, but you suffer from legal problems, you are an alcoholic. I know what they meant to say, but they don’t say it, so I have to take it at face value. Because of the way it’s asked, I have to say yes to this one as well.

10. Is alcohol affecting relationships with loved ones? You bet it is! I get along better with my family and those around me when I’m drunk. Most of them I can’t stand to be around when I’m sober. Drinking puts me into a mood and a frame of mind where I can deal with them, thus the relationship I have with them can not only last, but flourish. If it weren’t for alcohol, that wouldn’t happen and I’d be a sad, drugged out recluse of a man, hiding away in my always dark apartment, listening to Marilyn Manson and sewing my lips together for Halloween. One of the few benefits of drinking beer, and THEY are trying to turn it against us. Don’t let them do it. However, I have to answer yes to it because they didn’t specifically ask if it was affecting your relationships negatively.

The results: I answered yes to every question. And they say on the website, “A “yes” answer to even one of these questions may be a strong sign of alcoholism.” I answered all 10 with a yes. This must mean I’m an alcoholic. Kiss my ass.

It’s very clear what this list is trying to do. It’s trying to make you get more than one “yes” so that when you read that if you only answered “yes” to ONE QUESTION you are probably an alcoholic, you’ll think “HOLY SHIT! I’M GONNA DIE!” when chances are good you probably only drink more than a three year old. That’s why you should hear it FROM A DRINKER, and not a bunch of idiots who THINK they know what the fuck they’re talking about even though they’ve probably never had a drink in their life. That’s why the only people you hear complaining about how horrible marijuana is are people who never smoked it. How can you have an opinion if you don’t have experience with it? No matter good or bad?

I brought it up earlier, now here it is. The difference between being a drunk and an alcoholic.

Neither drunks nor alcoholics can drink just one or two beers. This just whets the appetite and makes them want to drink more.

A drunk might spend the rest of the money he/she has on some beer to continue drinking. If they have no money, they might actually decide to not have that first and possible second beer knowing that they’ll want more and they don’t want to torture themselves. An alcoholic will steal something from someone, or take something they hold very close, and sell it to get the cash to buy more alcohol. They might even try drinking cough syrup or try to find something else that can get them drunk. A drunk will not do this.

After getting totally trashed, introduce some food into the picture. A drunk will eat it, and a lot of it, eventually not wanting to drink any more. They’ll probably pass out after eating. An alcoholic will pass up the food so they can drink more. And they will do this at every meal time until the only thing they consume is alcohol.

A drunk can go days on end without drinking or even thinking about drinking. A drunk can stop drinking completely and live a normal and perfect life. An alcoholic has to drink every day, only going a day or two without before they absolutely have to drink again. And even those days when they don’t drink, the only thing they’ll be able to think about is drinking. And if they quit completely, they’d go through a detox that would be unbearable. A drunk will not experience this detox.

A drunk will most likely openly admit to drinking a lot and they will almost always attribute it to a number of things, such as enjoying how the alcohol they drink tastes, or enjoying the effects of the alcohol. An alcoholic might admit to drinking a lot, but if they do they’ll give a shitload of excuses as to why they do it, to make it sound like they’re a victim of some sort. They’ll cry and tell about horrible things in their lives and they’ll get you to feel sorry for them. And then they’ll ask you to buy them a drink.

Don’t be fooled. Just because somebody likes to drink all the time doesn’t necessarily mean they are an alcoholic. It just means they enjoy drinking. And there is nothing wrong with that. But being an alcoholic is really a bad thing and it should be treated and helped. However, don’t try to make those of us who drink on a regular basis but don’t have a problem feel bad or feel like we do have a problem. We’re not the issue here and shouldn’t be lumped into the same category as alcoholics.