Pain, guilt, shame, degradation, isolationism, withdrawal and controlling anger. These feelings are a legacy of hiding and locking away painful memories, the guilt and shame for over 33 years. They have ruined an 18 year marriage to the most wonderful and beautiful woman in my life. I am 41 years old and what happened to me when I was 8 years old has caught up with me and destroyed my life. I guess the destruction began several years ago when I began isolating myself and withdrawing from my wife and kids. Years of pushing my wife away and I did not even know why. Well that changed several months ago when my wife finally had enough and walked away from our life together.

It is horrible having to face this alone. I have no family here except for my wife and kids and they donít want to have anything to do with me. I have no friends because I have never been able to make any and donít feel comfortable with people. Only with my wife did I feel comfortable. I thought she would understand, because she was raped and sodomized when she was 9 years old. After we were married a few years, she was having bouts of depression and did not know why, she began therapy and began to remember the rape after many years of blocking it out. She began to remember and relive it. It was difficult for both of us. Many nights I held her for hours or even throughout the entire night whispering love and comfort as she cried and screamed while she relived that nightmare. It affected our relationship emotionally and physically. I loved her more than my life, how could I do anything else but be there for her. Now it is my turn, but there is no one here for me to hold me and comfort me when I cry and scream. It is so lonely sometimes it is difficult to go on. I have never liked being alone and now there is nothing but loneliness.

My abuse began not long after the tragic death of my brother which makes all this even more horrendous. I guess I was lonely after my brother died and that made me wanting friends and acceptance badly. However, it turned tragic. I am putting in here a letter I wrote to my wife after I learned to openly remember and admit the abuse happened. I thought that now that I have learned the reasons for my faults in our marriage, it would bring her understanding and understanding would bring forgiveness so that we could begin healing our marriage but it seems that she just does not care anymore, it is to late.

My Dearest ______,

My therapist, Laurel, believes I should put this into a letter for you to read because what I am going to tell you I believe you need to know, and Laurel believes this as well. And it would be extremely difficult for me to tell you face to face. The first part of this letter what I'm going to tell you, you already know, it is about Michaels death and how that affected my life and our marriage. The second part of this letter I have never told you about. The guilt and shame was just to great for me to tell even you. Laurel was the first person I have ever spoken to about this and it was difficult telling even her. I am putting this in a letter because I am afraid of how you may look at me after you hear what I have to tell you. I am afraid and have always been afraid that you may look at me with loathing and disgust and that would make my shame too great to bear. What I'm about to tell you and you are about to read, is not meant as an excuse but rather an explanation that may bring to you understanding and understanding may bring forgiveness.

I ask that you read this through and I ask that when you are finished you do not think too badly of me. I would also ask that you not let the kids read this for then my shame would be complete. Maybe later, after I have learned to deal with it better, but please not now.

When I spoke with Dennis (my Pastor) on Wednesday evening, we talked about my anger and my issues of control. Dennis helped me to realize that my anger is part of my control issue. At the end of our time together Dennis told me that a controlling anger usually has an underlying fear associated with it. He said we need to find out what that fear was before I could come to terms with the anger and the control. As Dennis says my controlling was out of control. And that I needed to find out what that fear is before my healing can begin for myself or any other aspects of my life including our marriage.

Heavenly Father give me the strength to delve into my soul and my heart and deep into my mind for any hidden secrets. Give me the strength to see what must be seen and to know what must be known. Give me the strength to face what must be faced.

I had thought and prayed long and hard on this question for many days and I began to get a sense of where the fear came from. You see, the farther back in my memory I went, the harder I wanted to see, and the easier it was to recognize what I tried to hide and lock away. I found myself back on the day my brother died. I found myself reliving that day. Once again I saw everything in slow motion. I saw the car coming, and saw Michael ride out into the road, I heard the screech of tires and the sound of the car crashing into the bike. I see Michael and the bike flying into the air, I hear and I see Michaels twisted body crashing to the ground in the roadway. I'm stunned. For what seemed a long time but was only seconds I cannot move. I'm crying and I'm screaming as I run to him, I see blood everywhere, a see Michaels right arm almost severed from his body, a see his legs all twisted up, his face is turned towards me and I see a gaping hole in his head. I donít know what to do, I donít know how to help him, all I could think to do was what I had seen on TV was to put my head on his chest to listen for his heart. I put my ear against his chest and I listened as his heart slowed and slowed and finally stopped. His last words to me as I listened for his heartbeat he said to me "I love you Wayne I'm going to see Pepe." I remember Mr. and Mrs. Generoux pulling me away from Michaels body and carrying me away from where he lay. I remember watching the neighbors trying to perform first-aid on Michael until the rescue squad arrived. After they took Michael way, I remember watching the fire truck washing down the road where Michael died, I remember the stream of water running into a drainage ditch was blood red. I don't remember much after that until several hours later that evening when the relatives were arguing about who's going to take Wayne home with them.

I believe that is where my fear started, my fear of losing control. I was the older brother, I was supposed to be taking care of Michael, I was supposed to be watching him and protecting him. By allowing him to talk me into letting him take the lead on our ride and I gave up control of our time together and I lost my brother who I loved very much, my brother who was half of my life. I was angry at myself for a very long time and I don't think I even realized it. For most of my life I have carried that guilt around and have been angry at myself for not having that control. I think I have been afraid for a long time that if I didn't have control of everything in our marriage and our family that I would lose you. But it seems that by that control I have lost you anyway. I think I was so afraid of losing the ones I love that I did not see that by my maintaining such rigid control that I was losing you anyway. I believe a lot of the anger is tied up in the control. Because if I could not keep control I would lose you and the kids and that made me angry at myself and I took it out on others including you and the kids.

I realized Friday night as I sat on the bathroom floor crying asking God and Michael for forgiveness, because I was still blaming myself for Michael dying, for Michael dying in my place, I believe I have been asking God and Michael for forgiveness for many years. As I was crying for God to hold me, for Jesus to hold me, for someone to hold me. A wonderful thing happened, I felt the presence of Michael and God there with me, I felt Michael put his arms around me, he held me and as he held me he whispers to me "There is nothing to forgive brother, you did nothing wrong it was not your fault, I love you and our Father loves you, and we will be here when it is time for you to come home to us." I know now I was not to blame for Michaels death, there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I was too young to be responsible for such a tragedy. I was a child, I was playing and having fun, we were just two kids playing together and what happened was just a terrible accident. Perhaps now, these vivid memories of that day can begin to fade. And perhaps now all the guilt and fear may be put to rest.

This did not seem like the whole of the answer though. So over the next few days I continued to seek Gods guidance and to search my deepest thoughts and memories. Tonight it caught up with me. I again found myself on the bathroom floor crying unable to stop and crying out to the Lord for help me, to hold me and to show me what must be seen. I have found something in here that I must now reveal for the sake of my soul, my mind, my life and my marriage. I believe I have kept this hidden deeply in a dark corner of my mind because of guilt and shame. I know now and can admit that I am a victim of sexual abuse when I was a child. When I was about eight or nine years old, my Uncle Ronnie talked me into masturbating him until he ejaculated. He used the pretense of being the good uncle showing the young nephew what happens when a man becomes sexually aroused.

My dearest wife, what I'm about to tell you I have kept locked up and hidden away for a very long time. My guilt and shame was too overwhelming for me to tell even you until now. Earlier today during my therapy session with Laurel, was the first time I have ever told anyone what you are about to hear. The incident with my uncle Ron was a one time incident with him that was not repeated by my uncle, however, even that one time with him destroyed a deep trust I had for my uncle Ronny. The worse came shortly afterwards. The horror and degradation, the worst time of my life begins. You see, I also remember being sexually abused by two of the older neighborhood boys. Again I was about eight or nine years old at the time, they were twin brothers David and Philip and were around 17 years old at the time. It began with them saying they wanted to teach me and show me the pleasures of sexual arousal what men and boys need to know. They began by fondling me and performing fellatio on me. Telling me it was natural and not wrong. This went on for some time, and of course they told me that if I told anyone I would be in trouble. Then they began forcing me to masturbate and perform fellatio on them. They would tell me that if I did not do this for them they would have to tell all my friends and my family what I was doing because it wasn't fair to them that they did to me what I did not want to do to them. This continued for about one-and-a-half years. It seemed like many years. It was a horrible time of being forced to do things that I know were wrong but did not know how to stop it. It was terrifying being forced to perform fellatio on boys that were as large as most men. They would hold my head and force themselves on me until I would gag and they would laugh about it and boast how big they were. I believe the only saving grace was that they would pull out of my mouth before they ejaculated and forced me to masturbate them until they did. Forced to do it on one and then the other. Often times it was painful. For they were big boys, large for their age and were very strong. Their father owned a mini-farm, so they spent a lot of time cutting firewood, working the food garden and repairing outbuildings. They has large callused hands and when they touched me, they were sometimes very rough. My penis would sometimes be red and swollen for 2 or 3 days. I would have to keep myself hidden and I was ashamed. I was a little boy, I did not even have pubic hair yet, and they would sometimes pull on my penis until it was painful and I would cry out and they would let go, but would continue with the sex. There hand were very large and their fingers were very large and sometimes they would put their fingers in my anus and it would hurt so much. Afterwards I would be crying on my way home, but I would have to stop or someone at home would wonder what was wrong, and I just couldnít have anyone find out. It finally stopped after David and Philip turned 18 years old and joined the Army. I did not know how to get out of it, I did not know how to stop it. You can't know how afraid I was just to go outside where I might run into them. I found I preferred solitude, being out in the woods by myself where I would not run into David and Philip. It was difficult being around my other friends when they were there, because of the guilt and shame I would feel with them around. In the fear that someone would find out what was happening to me. When they would find me or run into me they would get me alone and it would happen again and again and again. The pain and the shame came again and again and again. I'm crying as I am remembering and reliving this. I feel so guilty and ashamed and this is a guilt and shame I have carried ever since. I realize now that I was very angry and am very angry because I had no control over what was happening to my body and my emotions. I had no control and look what was happening to me. It was David and Philip who were in control and I was being hurt and shamed. They manipulated me into believing that I could not tell anyone and that I had no way out of this. It was the most horrifying and the most lonely time of my life. This has been a stigma that I have carried with me for most of my life. I guess I always felt it was my fault although now I know that is not true. Laurel has helped me begin to understand that it was I who was the victim and that the guilt and shame is not mine to bear. But it is only a beginning and I have a ways to go because I have carried that guilt and shame for far too long.

I thank God for opening my heart and mind to see these things which were hidden for so long, and now my healing can begin. And the Lord will see me through this, he will catch me when I fall, he will steady me when I stumble, he will carry me when I am too tired to go on and He will hold me when I need Him to.

I know you must be thinking how disgusting I am. I donít want to see you because of the disgust and loathing I will see in your eyes when you look at me. I am sorry for this and I am sorry for what it has done to us. I do love you and I will always love you. You will forevermore be my wife and soulmate. I am and will forevermore remain your husband. I will always have my memories of you. And no one and nothing can ever take those away from me.

Love

Wayne

Does this legacy of guilt and shame remain forever. Will loneliness always be my life now. Can there never be forgiveness from my wife for all that I took from her. Can we never have our life together again. Was it a mistake, was it wrong for me to give her this letter and to finally tell her what I had kept locked away and hidden for so long. Was I wrong in believing she would understand and forgive. There was never any physical or sexual abuse nor alcohol or drug abuse during our marriage. But a lot of isolationism, withdrawal and pushing her away from me emotionally.

God, the loneliness is death itself. It is sad and painful to have to carry this burden alone. I would give anything just to be held for a while. At least being held would lessen the pain for a while. I find I am crying all the time. I feel I am being punished and I donít want to be punished anymore. It wasnít my fault so why am I being punished.

WayneI read your post with sadness, we didn't ask to become victims. And NOTHING prepared us for the life it gave us.But you've made a brave step in recognising your past, and that is your burden. One we can hopefully lighten for you a bit.

The shame and guilt belong to your abusers, they just left it with you for a while, and with some hard work you can give it them back, they deserve it.

Your letter was heartbreaking, I hope you wife reads it and recognises the love within it.

Wayne, I'v sent you a personal message also. Go to the top of the page and click on "MY PROFILE" you will see "INCOMING MESSAGES"

Be strong WayneLloydy

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.Henry David Thoreau

I am speechless. Again. You are so strong. Always remember that you are not alone. As I read your post, I was thinking, this is me, and that is me, that was me, know that I know your paid. You are not alone. Be well Stay well.

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It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

You are a very articulate person. God, I am so moved by the pain and shame. One of the worst things abuse does is skew our sense of our value, and our sense of what others will feel or think about us.

Damn. I am struggling with living in my head today. Avoiding feelings, and not getting much of anyhting accomplished, or so it seems. Frustration. I remember the time when I felt the shame and lonliness you express. I missed my one year old daughter so much at that time when my wife and I split. Looking back, I know that there was little love in that relationship for me. And I have repeated that pattern over and over.

I have always questioned my actions, wondering if I was doing the right thing at any given moment. Everything I have done in my life has led me to this exact moment. And I don't really like where I am. Hmm...

I wondered if there was some master plan that if I had followed, I would be in a better place. And I tried so hard to imagine what that plan was. Praying, and hoping. Now I simply let go and try to trust I am right where I need to be. Trust. Whew. Wonder why I struggle with that? When nearly all of the men in my boyhood abused me?

Now I am rambling. Your post touched off a spark, and I am gonna let the anger take me to where it leads. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you find a bit of companionship here.

I just read your post and wow, I do not know what to say. I am glad you were able to let it all out. I hope your wife will read your letter and be willing to work along with you to mend your troubled marriage. And, I hope you find healing for yourself and the wounds your carry with you from your past.

The wellbeing of your children is vital. Do not forget their needs during this difficult time. They need to be reassured and told that they are loved. And, that mom and dad are going through a tough time but they still love all their children very much. I will say a prayer for you Wayne, your wife and your children. And, God willing, all will work out well with time. Sincerely,

Wayne, I wish that I could reach out and help you but I'm too fucked up myself to accomplish anything!!! I do know where you are coming from with the big older farm boys....they did it to aminals...why should they feel bad about doing it to a little boy! Shame is the worst...shame for being raped???? WHY...everyone feels it...a boy being forced to take it like a girl...will the shame ever stop...I don't think so...it does slow down. Guilt can be stopped but it takes lots of time and therapy! Lloydy said something about working hard to give the shame and guilt back to the abusers...33 years ago I saw one of my abusers die infront of me...it didn't make me feel good! Tracking them down and giving them the "WHAT FOR" will be very hard for me...just reading or hearing the name David flips me out! I don't think that they ever think about it...they have most likely gone on to abuse lots of kids...David has about 6 kids of his own!!! My worst fear is losing my wife and family over this...I've been going nuts for over 2 years now with flashbacks and dreams of the abuse. I went down south to see my last male friend...that isn't too nuts to talk to...I had a wonderfull time partying with him and my family every day but at night back at the motel..I would wake up all night crying from the worst abuse dreams yet!!!! It was the photos of me...a few years after the abuse and for 10 years folowing...a good looking young man..too scared to even talk to a girl or have sex with anyone...ten plus years of being a bad boy and very sad. My wife Babs is a very smart lady and has held on by educating herself about Male SA but she is wearing down and I fear that the end is coming...I feel for you in your lowest time...no matter what anyone says...I feel like I'm loseing myself...that's when I go out and find them! I will keep trying to keep it together...seeing my therapist...taking my meds...going to my hated job...Babs lost her job...I just pray to any god that's out there to make her strong enough to put up with me and my rage-shame-hate! We do have a lot of good times but living with the past SA is really a bitch...I wish it on no one! Get your wife educated to the effects of Male SA...send her books--they are listed here..."GET HER TO JOIN NOMSA"...let her read about what it has done to all of us here!!!!! She may be strong enough to come to your aid...SHE is the best person in the world to help you!!! Wish you all the luck and help in the world.

God I feel like shit. When does the crying stop. When will I be able to look in the mirror again and not see the ugliness. When will I stop asking God to let me die. Will Holly ever come home. Will I ever be able to love anyone else. Or will this dark hole inside not ever let me love anyone again. Is this pit bottomless or will I ever hit the bottom. When will I stop hating myself and being angry at myself and those fucking bastards that have killed my life and my heart. Do I continue to reach out for Holly or do I just let her go so I don't have to put her through this shit. Is it better to be alone so I won't hurt her or anyone anymore. When will I be able to sleep again. Will I ever be able to have real friends. I feel like I am on the merry go round from Hell. Just keep going round and round and round. Is it so terrible a thing just to want to be held. Is it so bad a thing to want to have a normal life. The worst part is, I have a terrible fear that there is worst to come. Things I have not had the courage to face and remember from ugly time in my life. I am really scared. I feel there is still something in here, something they did to me that I can't can't don't want to know. Oh God please help me I don't want this. Why this pain there. NO NO NO NO NO NOI have to go

Hey man, hang on. Reach out if you feel like your going to do something to yourself. Just hang on to this thing we have going here, and things will get better. Dont ask me how, but there are those of us who make it out of this, who grow above and beyond, and if you just stick with the light of the world and in yourself, you will make it out of where you are at, you can rise above, we all can.

Batt, it sounds like you're getting a lot to handle. Personally, my life has involved finding ways to prepare myself to defend myself, even before I knew about the most threatening things in my past. If you can actually find an empowering martial arts class, or church, or therapist, or law class I recommend that. Also, any arts class, maybe acting. Skills can help us process, develop connections, and personal strength to turn abuse into fuel for the fire and fodder. Movies can be really good for the psyche, too, like Superhero movies, for instance. Remember, the law of our forefathers, and the media, is basically on our side. Even President Bush now has got to fight his abuser friends, even if he doesn't want to. There's too much publicity. Good luck. The Great Holy Spirit is on your side, most prominently, and can help you identify the way through it all.

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