The 14 Biggest Assholes On Your Facebook Feed

Everyone has that awkward relation, co-worker, or high school friend that makes your Facebook feed resemble Dante’s 5th layer of hell. Whether it be their over-sharing, the gratuitous use of hashtags on a platform that barely supports them, or them treating it like a political rally for the worst opponent known to man, the moral is they need to learn some social media manners. We’ve compiled this helpful primer for you to send their way. Here you’ll find everything not to do and how to confront those that do it.

FACEBOOK FAILS

The “My Baby Is a Demon–Isn’t It So Cute” Parent:

You know this one: They think that talking about baby poop in a 300-word social media post (sometimes complete with pictures) is adorable. They provide every single update from the hours of sleep lost, the contents of the spit-up (is it milk again? I bet it was), and how their nipples feel after each feeding.

Solution: Oversharing parents are never, ever going to respond well to you not being interested in their kid. This one requires you to hide them from your feed.

The Vague Acquaintance Who Comments on Every Single Post You Make

Do you remember how you know this person? Are you starting to wonder if they just appeared in the world to leave inane and often combative or slightly desperate comments on everything you post? Things like “LOL, must be nice to have a job” or “OMG why didn’t you tell me?!” or the fan favorite, “That’s what’s ruining our country!”

Solution: Add them to a friend list on Facebook, title it something like “acquaintances” or “really annoying people” and exclude them from seeing certain posts. You can filter each individual post and let them see only the most innocuous ones.

That said, make sure they can see something or you’ll start getting private messages.

To That One Really Angry Person

We get that an angry post is okay every now and then; sometimes you just gotta vent. But there seems to always be that one person where every single one of their posts is an angry tirade: either on traffic, their new co-worker, their slow waiter, or someone breathing too loudly in the movie theater. Even worse, it seems they have something to complain about at least twice a day.

Solution: You could comment with a passive aggressive remark for fun, but probably the more mature thing would be to hide them from your newsfeed. But if they are a mere acquaintance, then you can just unfriend them. Simple.

That Gullible Friend

We all know at least one person who thought Mark Zuckerburg was going to give away his money to Facebook users. Maybe the same person believes there is a dead spider stuck in your Oreos. They really think they are helping you by sharing the latest far-fetched rumor or urban legend.

Solution: If they are usually pretty level-headed, let it go. Maybe send them a private message encouraging them to check out snopes.com next time they see something that sounds too good to be true or unbelievable. Hide them if they continue to spread crazy rumors.

The Passive-Aggressive Essayist

I’m talking about the one friend who, in person, is a normal human being. On Facebook, however, they morph into a monster: the constant barrage of misquoted celebrity quotes ripped from a cringe-worthy Tumblr page, interspersed with lengthy essays about “certain people” and “creating drama.” They’re vague, they’re bolshy, they’re entirely obnoxious.

Typical status includes precisely zero commas, a long-winded run-down of the day’s boring events, and no hint of a punchline, conclusion, or any entertainment value.

Solution: There’s nothing you can do. Just consider it an excuse to contemplate your comparatively more awesome life and advanced social media strategy.

The Prayer Hoarder

Consider: “Bruised my arm playing squash this morning, please send prayers!” “If everyone could send a prayer for us this morning, the cat is sick!” “Plz send prayers for a safe journey, I’m driving to the grocery store!” DO YOU NOT THINK GOD HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH HIS TIME?!

Solution: Pray that this person will soon see that their social media habits are obnoxious.

The One Who Posts Facebook Statuses Like Tweets

You know, the friend who doesn’t have Twitter but clearly just needs to get one, because he/she posts every single thought on their Facebook status—leading to upwards of 10 Facebook statuses a day (note: please do not post upwards of 10 Facebook statuses in a single day). Examples: “I’m bored, hmu.” “It’s cold outside.” “Now it’s warm.” “Why can’t the weatherman get the weather right?” “Damn that was the best donut I’ve ever had.” “Why can’t people just follow through with what they say they’ll do?” “Will I ever find love?”

Solution: Don’t comment. Don’t respond. Hide from your newsfeed. Unfriend if you’re like me and have no patience for this. But don’t indulge in the statuses. DON’T GIVE IN.

The All-Caps Grandma

The sweet old lady suddenly turns into a screaming terror once logged onto Facebook. She might not necessarily be your grandma, but she dishes her grandmotherly gushing with aggressive social-media shouts. It seems like her permanent mood is Caps Lock and you can’t help but feel like she is always yelling at you. There’s also her soul sister who Capitalizes Every First Letter. This can’t be justified with a capslock mishap, maybe they’re just experimenting with titles for their memoir.

Solution: This Facebook user probably just accidently tapped the caps lock key and doesn’t know how to undo it, or they are really just THAT excited to tell Little Johnny how handsome he is and how much grandma loves him and how good this casserole recipe is. Just shake your head and think about how it would be if it was your grandma. If this really is your grandma, there really is nothing you can do but weather the barrage of furious enthusiasm. Give this one a pass.

The Transformed By Travels Friend

Maybe this person studied abroad and they’re hitting you with a constant stream of the lust-worthy sites you can only see in your “Wanderlust” Pinterest board right now. They pretend they’re worldlier, sexier and more full of that certain je ne sais qoi. They always want to tell you how it’s done in Paris, Milan, or Barcelona. OR worse: Their third-world traveling counterpart. This person won’t stop posting pictures of their volunteer trip from a year ago. They want to remind you how kind they are through pictures of them surrounded by cute local children that you can’t help but feel like they just randomly rounded up for the sake of a photo op. Does, “They taught me more than I ever could have taught them,” sound familiar?

Solution: Don’t bother trying to counter their European adventures with forced pics of how much fun you’re having in your locale. Don’t bother posting that snarky Onion article about how annoying and narcissistic their need to constantly remind you of their goodness is. Unfollow and make your own genuine adventures and kindnesses.

The “Facebook Is My Life” Friend

This person is on Facebook 24/7. Maybe they just moved across country away from their friends and family. Maybe they are isolated due to illness. Maybe they just lost their job, house or spouse. Whatever their situation is, they are using Facebook to fill the void. They eat, sleep and breathe Facebook and assume everyone else does too. They post a status update instead of calling, texting or emailing and assume everyone has seen their update. They send you a million Farmville requests. They like and comment on all of your posts. They see that you are online and assume you are available to chat for 30 minutes. They get mad when you don’t like, comment or share their stuff.

Solution: I got nothing. It’s just so sad.

The Person Who Shares Graphic Photos

This person shares every terrible image that you cannot unsee. They share photos of animal abuse, child abuse, graphic injuries and frightening photoshop. They think sharing will help stop abuse or maybe they just like the reaction they get.

Solution: Hide. Unfriend. Block. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

The Relative Who Comments On Every Photo Of You

This person is probably older, and cannot tell the difference between a photo you’re tagged in and a photo you’ve posted. Thus, they often comment “I love you___” or “Cute photo, ___” on group photos your friends have tagged you in. Which is really awkward. Especially if the relative doesn’t have the same name as you.

Solution: Delete the comment if it’s on your photo. If it’s a close friend’s photo, you can ask them to delete it. If it’s not, just comment back “Thanks, Grandma!” Otherwise, your best bet is to politely explain to your relative the difference between a posted photo and a tagged photo, and cross your fingers that they don’t do it again.

The My-Boyfriend/Girlfriend-Is-My-Only-Friend Friend

Look, in all seriousness, I’m happy you found your other half. They like the same Beatles songs as you, and now you and your boo have taken your relationship to the next level. You now have a golden retriever together and you guys get excited over couch shopping. As cute as that is, it starts getting weird when I feel like I have a play-by-play of everything you and your S.O. do together just because we’re Facebook friends. It especially gets uncomfortable when those photos get real up close and personal. You’re in love and that’s great, but I’d rather not see what that love making looks like on my Facebook feed.

Solution: There’s this lovely button that allows you to “unfollow” a Facebook friend, which is perfect since deleting someone off Facebook can be so aggressive. But with this option, unless you were to type out the letters of their name… you won’t see their updates. Also, this person won’t get notified that you unfollowed them. So really, it’s a win-win.

Tricia is a Texan writer, yoga teacher, vocalist, and health advocate originally from Chicago's North Shore. If she’s not writing, on stage, or doing yoga, you can find her drinking apple cider vinegar while watching Netflix and obsessing over her niece and nephew. Follow her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/Tbarendregt/ and on twitter at @triciabare.