Large dope:Hey can I get the chillie cheese tots?
Cashier:Oh sorry we are out of tots but we have fries?
LD:(with a noticable drop of his shoulders and a quiver in his voice) No, I will just get a soda.
Swear to god he was about to cry.

No, but the people I can be meanest to are always the ones I care about. Take this conversation that happened after I heard from a mutual friend that my buddy ben (a 2/10) thought he had previously had a serious chance with our friend Katherine (9/10).

Drew: Hey, come watch this parody video with me. It's a Breaking Bad/Taylor Swift thing.
Me: Okay!
Drew/Me (watching video): haha, hehe, this is so funny! *singing along* weEEE are never ever. gonna cook together ...hahaha
Drew: It's even just like the actual video, you know?
Me: The...video?
Drew: Yeah, for the real song, you know?
Me: ...no?
Drew: You know, they're dancing like that...like in the real video...the way there's a group of them and they're dancing while she sings that song and they move their arms slow and weird like that when she does the weEEE part.
Me: In the actual Taylor Swift video. That you've watched?
Drew (laughing): ......come on!..STOP LAUGHING
Me: ahahahahahaha...you watched a Taylor Swift video....on purpose...ahahahahaha

This reminds me of that time when my ex husband pulled into the garage and didn't realize I was home yet and had his stereo BLARING with Kylie Minougue..."I just can't get you outta mah head...lalalalalalala"

Her: I like how you stopped the backrub to fart.
Me: You can't be too careful. You don't want to shit your pants.
Her: Can't do more than one thing at once?
Me: It takes a surprising amount of effort to fart and not shit yourself.
Her: Yeah, any idiot can fart.
Me: Any idiot can shit his pants. That's gonna be the title of my biography.

We were watching a show about this Texas redneck guy who supposedly killed his kids and we were making fun of the Texas accents.

Her: I want a prison pen pal.
Me: Who did what?
Her: Cut off his grandma's head and then ate the head.
Me: And then peed in the neck hole?
Her: Mhmm.
Me: Google it, i bet you can find him. Wait, please don't Google that.
Her: **fart**
Her: (Texas accent) Welp, better comin out than goin in, I always say.

Or this morning:

Her: I had a dream you were wearing a top hat, will you please wear one?
Me: Sure, i've always wanted one. What about a Monocle?
Her: Noooo.
Me: Fine.

Anthony's friend: Did your Dad die?
Anthony: No.
Anthony's friend: Then where is he?
Anthony: He and my mom got a divorce so he lives in a different house but I see him all the time.
Anthony's friend: Oh. That's really sad.
Anthony: Yeah, but I like my step-dad and this way we have two Wii's.

Poke
Poke
Poke
Poke
Poke
Poke
Speak
To
Me
Fuck sake
Why don't you talk to me?
Ok I know you get hurt every time you talk to me
But I don't intend to
I never intend to
I'm sorry
I always am, lately
Sigh
I miss your witty banter and cute demeanour
Oh well, guess I'm never getting you back

Ally is some weird diet pill that separates the oil and fat out of food and you end up leaking and shitting for days.

GF: Did you take Ally?
GF Mom: I did.
GF: You might need some adult diapers.
GF Sister: We always end up talking about Ally at the dinner table.
GF: You could just use those Poise you had for Clarence.
GF Mom: I sold them at a garage sale.
Me: Wow, who bought those? A neighbor? That'd be good to know.

when we met my french was a bit rusty and his german nonexistent. by now we´re both fluent in either language but we´re used to english and i think we´ll stick to it. at least till we have kids, then it might get a bit complicated.

A kid we all call Sunshine comes over, sits on my desk and picks up an appointment card off my desk. When I reach over to take it back from him before he can read it he pulls his hand out of reach. I snatch it back crushing his fingers and yanking it out of his hand.
Sunshine:That was rude.
Me:No rude is invading someones privacy.
SS:It's not private if it's on your desk.
Me:Yes, it is. Don't touch any of my stuff.
SS:Your a jerk.
Me:Sure, yes I am, do you have a problem with that.

THis is the same kid who leans over my shoulder before I even knew who he was and asked what I was writing, when I told him it was private and that he should lean over my shoulder and read things without asking he leans in closer and tries to read it outloud.

when we met my french was a bit rusty and his german nonexistent. by now we´re both fluent in either language but we´re used to english and i think we´ll stick to it. at least till we have kids, then it might get a bit complicated.

Ludwig should speak German only to the kids, Barb only French,the nanny should speak only Spanish to them, and send them to an English boarding school!

You'll end up with little Irina's running around knowing all the languages.

when we met my french was a bit rusty and his german nonexistent. by now we´re both fluent in either language but we´re used to english and i think we´ll stick to it. at least till we have kids, then it might get a bit complicated.

Ludwig should speak German only to the kids, Barb only French,the nanny should speak only Spanish to them, and send them to an English boarding school!

You'll end up with little Irina's running around knowing all the languages.

That was one of my favorite parts of raising little bitty ones, I would just talk to them all day from the time they were born. Repeating all of their sounds and facial expressions until they got the idea and attempted to repeat me, and just narrating everything for them and asking questions and telling them what every thing I gave them was. Oh man.

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