So, You Took the Day Off Work to Stand Around Outside and Wait for Kate Middleton to Have a Baby. . .

Who are the people gathered in baby-hungry throngs throughout London, awaiting the arrival of Kate Middleton’s child? Tourists, many of them, yes—but some must be local Londoners. What is it that these people told their bosses and/or supervisors concerning the reason for their failing to show up to work today, a Monday? “A stranger might experience a life change” doesn’t quite cut it. Below, we’ve analyzed the crowd using . . . crowd-analyzing technology and determined the exact excuse given by each well-wisher to his or her superior.

By Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images.

“My cat had kittens . . . all over my car keys. It’s disgusting.”

“My knee hurts. And you can’t ask me to be more specific because it’s a fucking invasion of my private, mate.”

“Sorry, boss. Funny thing: I can tell I’m about 10 minutes away from collapsing and dying. I’m going to trek over to the royal baby spectacle so I can die there, hopefully propped up against a security barrier. That’s the plan, anyway!”

“I can’t possibly do any work because my best friend and I accidentally glued our hands to my cell phone.”

“I have a doctor’s appointment so I can find out how old I am. Am I 6? Am I 51? And I 73? It could take a few hours.”

“I’m having . . . mental health day. Like, every year, a few times a year, I celebrate the successes and challenges of medical health professionals. Mental Health Day. Yes, this is my first job, why do you ask?”

“I left my personality in a Hollister dressing room over the weekend. I have to go back to the mall and try to find it.”