Pastor Nick Saban

Okay, I’ve just got a couple of things to get off my chest today, so turn to 1 Corinthians 1:18…

[doesn’t give congregation time to find the verse]

…And this verse is very important to me because I see you guys walking into this church every Sunday and you’re struttin in here with your fancy Bibles and you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are telling you how great you are and then you sit in the front row with a sense of entitlement and I GET SO DAMN SICK of it. Excuse me. But I really do. Look at that verse again:

[doesn’t give anyone time to look at the verse]

To us who are BEING SAVED it is the power of God. And some of you need to open up your ears and hear that, because you got your salvation and you think you’re done, okay? Let me break it down for you: YOU AIN’T DONE. We’ve got a Great Commission out there and I’ve got a church full of 5 star recruits who think they don’t have to do the work. And that’s a problem. You know what God said when all the 5 star recruits were too busy to come to his banquet? He told his assistant coaches to go out there and find me some 1 star guys who are motivated to do the little things that will make this Church great, and all those 5 star guys had to sit their ass on the bench until they could learn to trust God’s process, okay?

Pastor Hillary Clinton

First of all, I am HONORED to be here in this house of faith. To be standing here and see all of your vibrant, smiling faces fills me with GRATITUDE.

It reminds me of one of my favorite Bible stories, when Jesus sat with his epistles and said, “if you love me you’ll feed my sheep!” and Paul said to him, “Lord, where are the sheep?” and then Jesus said back, “verily, whatever you do to the least of these little ones, I am that sheep!”

Pastor Youth Group Dress Code

THIGHS

THIGHS

THIGHS

THIGHS ARE LUST BEACONS

AND SPAGHETTI STRAPS ARE SIN MAPS TO CLEAVAGE

Pastor Kanye

[fog]

[laser show]

[emerges through hole in stage]

[takes mic]

I WROTE THE BIBLE

[dramatic pause]

Yo the pastor’s wife needs to play the organ, get up here Kim

[Kim Kardashian walks onstage, sits at organ, takes selfie]

Play me somethin Kim

[Kim begins to push keys at random]

CHURCH FAM THIS IS THE MUSIC OF NEW JERUSALEM AND ALSO I AM MELCHIZEDEK

Pastor Mr. Belding

[storms onto stage, grabs mic]

Hey hey hey WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

[laughs uncontrollably, even though he begins every sermon with this joke]

Guys, Satan is NOT your friend. Now I know he might seem [air quotes] COOL or [air quotes] HIP, but guys let me tell you about someone who DIDN’T CARE about being popular. There was a man who lived in a place called Galilee, and all he cared about was giving himself to others. In fact, he cared so much for me and you that he gave his own life. His name was Jesus, and if you ask me, Jesus was the coolest guy…of all time.