You are here

Connection Gap

Sun, 06/21/2015 - 00:00 — will

How do you connect with people if you aren't already connecting with people? What I mean is… when you're inexperienced, out of practice and probably a bit out of touch how do you find people willing to connect with you?
For example, being lonely creates anxiety, depression and frustration in people. This in turn causes people to feel and act desperate. And when you're desperate you make bad choices. You say or do silly things, act foolish, embarrass yourself and scare people away. It's easy to invite people in or let them go when you're surrounded by warmth, love and acceptance. When you've already got so much and no need for more. But when you are lonely even the most trivial connection can mean a lot.

Consider touch. A married man with two children might get two to four hugs per day from his kids and wife. Depending on his job he shakes hands once a day or more. If not that then back pats or fist bumps. The same when he goes to happy hour with his friends. He and his wife sit next to each other for an hour after dinner for an hour and they spend some time with each other in bed before sleep (sex or holding).

Compare this to the unmarried man, no girlfriend, few friends and limited connections at his work. A typical day has zero hugs and no sex or touch. The only contact he receives on a regular basis is a handshake or back pat.

It creates a poverty of belonging and acceptance and love. It can leave you feeling stressed, worthless or rejected. People sense this and are less likely to approach you or spend time with you just making it worse.

When you have difficulty interacting with people and keeping them in your life the result is fewer interactions than those who do. You don't get the same amount of experience socializing. By the age of 40 or 50, even by the age of 30, those who have a history of relationships, family and friendship have so far outpaced the alone that the lonely cannot hope to function at the same proficiency. You come as awkward. For men it can appear to be hesitation.

It's creates a kind of social poverty that makes it difficult for those who want to connect with others and can't.

Also I'd like to mention that a person with fewer close connections has fewer warm interactions with others. The experience of others is less rewarding and intimate. You get treated distant and cold by so many people that it can become the normal way for you to act as well: cold and impersonal towards others. It's a wall you get trapped behind.

Lastly, when you don't spend time socializing with others you lose that common ground we all share. Things like attitudes and philosophies. Memes and jokes. Public opinion and the news. Slang. The isolated become eccentric and quirky. You forget what it's like to be around other people. Some lose empathy. This makes people awkward and people naturally gravitate towards those they relate to and away from those they don't.

All this equates to a downward spiral of loneliness and grief for those that are socially isolated because the isolated are essentially "left behind". It punishes those who don't need to be punished. Those that need the most help get the least. It's basically a prison sentence where the prison walls are made of people.

I opened with the question, "How do you connect with people if you aren't already connecting with people?". I think a better question is, "How can I connect with someone who is having a hard time?"