Here are my random thoughts as I get a grip on having cancer at 42 (now 49) years old. I would like to inspire hope in all of you and in myself as well as to provide a place for you to keep track of me through this ordeal.

November 12, 2006

Reflections of, the way life used to be….

It’s Saturday, November 11th. I write this from my brother Doug’s hunting cabin in Macon, MO.

The six other guys I’m up here with have been out hunting since about five o’clock this morning. We actually saw snow flakes last night. Winter harkens at the door.

A brisk, autumnal day opens with a clear cloudless sky. It’s a beautiful morning. The temperature dropped to about twenty-seven over night. It is supposed to climb to forty-five by this afternoon.

I would call this place a ‘hunting lodge’ but once you see it you realize it’s really just a house, that happens to be inside of a barn. In the twelve months since these guys bought the place they have conducted an unbelievable transformation. What was once a metal barn for farm equipment has become a four bedroom, two bath home. I’ll try to include a few photos.

While the others are out hunting, I am provided with a little alone time. I’m not sure when the last time I was away from home and Mary and Brad and alone for a few minutes? Perhaps Sweden? Of course my mind immediately begins to think about PC. Being out here so close to nature, so close to God, I can’t help but thinking, “I don’t want to die”. (Sorry Mary, I’m not any more or less concerned than I have been for the past twenty-one months, I’m just capturing my thoughts as I let the beauty of the world engulf me). I have to beat this, there is no option. Wishful thinking? Perhaps, but as I have said here many times before, I’m not giving in, I will always continue this battle. Knock me down, I’ll get back up. Kick me while I’m down, I’m coming back. And so the battle continues.

At the same time I’m somewhat befuddled? I look at some of the people closest to me and I ask myself why they haven’t changed? I would never say anything to them directly, but I guess I am doing so by writing this blog? I want them to wake up and start taking care of themselves. I don’t want them to wait until something like cancer ‘happens’ to them before they change. I wish they would eat better, do a little exercise, maybe have a few less drinks now and then. Listen, I fully realize without PC I’d be right there with them; eating poorly, doing no exercise, drinking too much. The reality is I do have PC, I have changed, I pray that they make some change, even a little one. In the end we’re all human, change is hard, I love them no less.

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Today would have been Grandma’s one hundred and first birthday. I miss her, I miss her blue eyes. I will forever thank her for mine.

Today is also Veterans Day. With great reverence I pay my respects to Pop’s, Rich, Scott J. and all veterans in our country.

2 comments:

I hope you enjoyed being out in nature. I too was out the same opening day of season. It gave me time to reflect on life and to appreciate life and all of nature's beauty. I saw deer running everywhere. Bucks chasing does and does kicking at each other. It was a glorious day as is every day a field. I feel very connected to God in nature no matter what the weather.

I appreciate your comments about people thinking about changing their lifestyle a bit to a more healthy way of living.

Please don't ever feel like you are preaching when in fact you are teaching. Your story has hit home with myself and many others and I have dramatically changed my diet and eliminated other bad habits.