Keep Your Selfies To Yourself…But Really

It seems an epidemic has swept over our nation’s finest, and is infesting itself into your home and mine. Selfies. Everywhere. (AKA taking pictures…of yourself.) I don’t follow people on instagram, because it’s just more of an in-your-face…to-face approach at staring at girls you don’t know, kind of know, and sometimes even totally know posting pictures taken by themselves, of themselves, and for themselves and posting them to Facebook and Twitter.

I understand the appeal. Because I’ll be honest, I, too, take selfies. And, while embarrassing, I’d say it’s fine. If I am bored and want to take silly pictures of myself to see what my face looks like really close up, or start exploring my favorite angle, or take a slutty picture of my boobs and fantasize about sending, but never actually send it to my not-boyfriend…then that is acceptable. And if I took a pic of myself on photobooth for funsies and then decided to edit the absolute shit out of it for funsies…Also acceptable. And outfit approval in a mirror is obviously also acceptable. So when you get a really great one, I understand why you’d want to share it “like omg, look how pretty I am” but please, try to resist. Taking selfies is like masturbating. It’s JUST for you…maybe your boyfriend can get a sneak peak…maybe you can admit to your best friends that you do it (because everyone does it), but otherwise you absolutely publicly deny it, and God forbid you got caught – a mortification you will never recover from will ensue.

Do you see what I’m saying? This is something to be a little bit ashamed of. I’m all for sexual liberation, but no one else wants to seeeee you pleasure yourself, and no one else wants to seeeee you looking into your own camera seductively. And if you post pictures like this on Facebook and Twitter, I’m going to assume you’re a self-absorbed whore who has no friends. Self-absorbed because you feel the need for every picture of yourself to be made public, no friends, because you’re by yourself, and a whore because anyone I don’t like is a whore.

To continue with this analogy…we need to talk about some proper phone etiquette here. You would never walk into someone’s room with a closed door without knocking. You don’t really assume they are pleasuring themselves, but you never know what’s happening on the other side of that door…private things (maybe trying on clothes that obviously don’t fit any more? dancing around to some bad music? crying? I don’t know)…it’s just rude. You wouldn’t do it. Similarly, you don’t look through the pics on someone’s phone (or computer). Are you necessarily going to stumble upon the 20 pictures your bestie took in an attempt to get the perfect point of view shot? Maybe not. But you might find some weird screen shot, or duck face selfies, or whatever the fuck. It’s rude. Don’t do it.

So does everyone understand? Don’t post your selfies onto the internet where everyone can see, because it’s pretty much like indecent exposure…and don’t look through someone’s phone, because it’s like walking into their closed bedroom door without permission.

Not that any of this happened to me. Because it didn’t. Just a big fear of mine. Buzz off.

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co