You should be with someone who values your time and calls when they say they are going to, who shows up on time to a date or texts you if they are going to be late. Spend your time with people who aren’t too important to look up from their phone and stop texting when you are speaking or who know not to answer unimportant calls when you are together. Someone who politely apologizes for taking that important call and knows who to pick up for. Someone who also knows that their parents and their grandparents are important in their life, too, and has a good enough relationship with their family to pick up when they call. Someone who still tells their mother or father “I love you,” even when they are in public, and who can’t wait to tell you, when the time is ready.

Date a person who is chivalrous, not as in “into patriarchy, paternalism and/or oppressing you” but as in someone who isn’t afraid to show they care about you. No matter your gender, be with someone who wants to open the door for you, just to smile as they watch you walk through it, and someone who lets you do the same for them. Someone who will pull out a chair for you or stand up when you leave the table, not because it’s expected of them socially but they want to show you how much your company means to them. Someone who wants to walk you home, not only to make sure you are safe but also because they want to spend more time with you and smile at you as your smile disappears behind the door. Someone who will wait up to hear you got home safe if they can’t walk you home and will ask you to walk them home, because they want to feel protected by you, too.

Seek out a mate who isn’t afraid to hold your hand or put their coat around you when you look cold, who knows that Public Displays of Affection aren’t as important as knowing you are cared for, even in small ways. Put your energy into a person who puts their energy and effort into you, someone who will buy you flowers if you like flowers or knows exactly what book you would want on your birthday. Someone who has listened to your opinions, your hopes and your desires enough to know the things you like and the things you don’t like, the correct ways to show you they care. Someone who knows to ask when you want to be held and caressed and when you want your space, when you want to have sex and what consent is. Someone who knows how important the word “no” is.

Date a person who tells you nice things about yourself and builds up your confidence but challenges you when you need to be challenged. You deserve to be with those who know when to argue and to call you on your bullsh-t, but also know when signals from you tell them to leave you alone and let it be. Someone who won’t let you go to bed angry and is willing to talk about what’s bothering you, if even what’s bothering you doesn’t quite make sense or seem that important to them. Someone who knows that personal relationships aren’t as simple as who is right and who is wrong, that your opinion and perspective are valid, even when the two of you totally disagree. Someone who knows you aren’t always right and they aren’t always right but are willing to affirm the person your belief system, because your opinions are a part of the person they adore.

Spend time with people who don’t make you choose between being friends and being lovers, who you feel like you can genuinely have fun and be comfortable with. You need to be able to be casual, hang out in your pajama pants and be like buddies sometimes, while also valuing the romantic side of your connection. Someone who (when you get that far) understands what balance is in a relationship, that sometimes you need to go out and do your own thing. Someone who trusts you to make your own choices and to come home and be with them at the end of the night without the need to interrogate you, or if you are in an open relationship, someone who always trusts that your connection is stronger. Someone who gets that being together and waking up together every day is a choice, one you have to continue to make and continue to commit to.

Date someone who wants what you want, who is open to the idea of the relationship you desire with another human being. You need to be with people who are open to what you have to give to them and are willing to match it. Someone who has communicated enough on the subject to know what you are looking for with someone, whether that be a fling, friends with benefits or a person to bring home to your parents or chosen family. Someone who isn’t afraid to give you what you want in life but also respects themselves enough to have standards and value what they need and deserve in this relationship (or even friendship!) Someone who isn’t afraid to let you know how they feel: about you, about life, about what’s important to them, about the future or about whatever is on their mind.

Life is short, so you shouldn’t waste it on someone who doesn’t understand you, refuses to try and get you, won’t put in the time for you, who is rude to you, your friends or to other people and doesn’t even call you. Don’t worry about if they read, if they don’t read, if they watch movies or if they’re into the wrong kind of music; worry about whether they care that you do. Details are important, but if the world ends this year, it’ll be more important to say you wasted the time you have left with someone who cares.

That’s actually not much to ask for. All these things go hand in hand. And if you find a good person, or a good match, it is surprisingly (or not?) pretty standard.

Guest

This was nice. You know what’s not nice? Fucking Miranda Hobbes with rosacea popping up at the bottom of every article I read.

http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

God I’m so single it hurts.

I have never met a person like this. I don’t even think I’m half way capable of being a person like this either. If this person exists, I’m sure the competition for them is so stiff that it’s almost pointless to try. I’ll just add most of this to “the things I’m not that women want.” Okay I’m done with the online pity party. I promise.

Great writing though, and great points. We all need to improve, for sure.

Claire

This guy sounds like a pussy.

http://twitter.com/meganmvo Megan Vo

Rude.

yello

You sound like a bitch.

Guest

And that is why you will die alone.

Oliver Miller

Now of course I must write about why you should date someone who’s a bitch to you. It keeps you on your toes. It’s a constant testing of the weak.

http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

I’ll give you my many many ex’s phone numbers for interviews on the subject.

Jess

Please don’t. The last time you attempted to respond to an article, it was complete crap.

Oliver Miller

Ohnoyoudidn’tgurl.

Jess

Sorry. But it’s true.

Gidget Lang2

OH MY GOD, yes, please. I have so much experience in this.

Nicole

And now I’m crying. Pretty sure I’ll never meet this person. Or if I’ll even deserve them if I do.

Guest

“Don’t worry about if they read, if they don’t read, if they watch movies or if they’re into the wrong kind of music; worry about whether they care that you do. Details are important, but if the world ends this year, it’ll be more important to say you wasted the time you have left with someone who cares.” So true!

Thank you for this. It made me smile.

Domino

biggest. wake-up call. EVER. thankyou thankyou thankyou

http://twitter.com/nananapark NaEun Park

In what perfect world do you live in?

Mila Jaroniec

Where does one find this silver unicorn?

http://twitter.com/alainalatona alainalatona

It’s merely a rhinoceros.

Heather

Hollywood film scripts, I imagine.

Anonymous

Hi. Where do you live and why aren’t we dating?

I wish my boyfriend read this.

astre

it’s possible, this person is out there! i waited for 28 years, a painful lonely almost-desolate yearn and on the outside i kept saying nah tt’s too hard, too difficult to be true. But inside, deep inside, all of us keep hoping tt it is real.

I’m standing on the other side of my 28yo self saying, it’s true, it’s real and it’s possible. say all you might to your girlfriends, to the world, but believe that it’s all a matter of time. What’s a year, 10 years, if you meet someone like this? One of the last things I told myself after walking out of a tough breakup was, was to wait, even if I gonna be 40yo or 60yo. (Better yet, don’t keep saying it’s impossible when you know you’re still hoping… that will keep you looking for that right person!)

guest

it’s your positive outlook that helped you find this person.. instead of just wallowing about how you hadn’t found them yet. it’s not about the perfect person, it’s about the perfect person for you.

mike

Hi

Girl

I date the wrong people.

Guest

This was so incredibly dull I couldn’t get past the first paragraph. It’s like the author sat down and said “Oh I know what I’ll do, I’ll write an article that’s incredibly repetitive and full of common sense. I’ll use 500 words instead of 30 to make my argument.”

Lillyluvsyou18

Thank you for writing this, what a wake up call.

http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

Oh god, I’m going to end up alone.

Guest

this is awesome, except sometimes it isn’t someone’s fault if they aren’t close to their famiy and dont say “i love you” each time, don’t give up on those people . The rest of the essay i agree with though

http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

The timing on this article could not be more perfect. Yes, the advice may seem redundant or full of common sense, but sometimes we need a bit of a wake-up call when we’re sitting here, torn apart over someone who “just seemed so perfect,” when the reality of it is that they were very far from being the other half of what creates a whole relationship.

Doesn’t quite work out when you’re the only one in love.

http://twitter.com/swimfish76 David B

Young girls read this stuff and expect that their first boyfriends should have all these qualities. Naturally, they won’t. Nobody is this perfect all the time. People are flawed. Accept it and move on.

Heather

I’m 25 years old and still haven’t had my first real boyfriend. Buy I’ve spent half of my life hoping to find what this article describes and I have lost all faith. You’re right. I’d rather be alone than hold onto these impossible standards and continue to be disappointed.

http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

we should date

C. M.

No, the real problem is that so many men *view* these as impossible standards, and expect cookies and sex for meeting the bare minimum requirements for qualifying as a decent human being. I really hope more young girls — and grown women — read this, or things like it, and realize that they deserve better than they’ve been getting. It’s not about being perfect. But it might be about being better than you are. Don’t blame us because you can’t clear the bar.

Josh Gondelman

This is just right. Well done!

me <3

Except it’s not wasting time if you spent it with someone who really cares about you.

This also perfectly describes my relationship right now. Thank you for affirming everything I was feeling :)

guest

I think the argument could be flipped here. How do these people come about? Why would you expect a nice person to date you if you yourself aren’t nice? Etc etc.
I think it’s more important to focus less on finding the right person but being the right person, and the rest should fall into place (ideally)

Heathermchle

This is nonexistent. Just sayin’.

http://twitter.com/writebastard Ian Wood

No, it’s not. Remember–and this is a lesson I had to learn myself, harshly, so I’m not judging or insulting, here–the only constant in every relationship you’ve had…is you.