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Q & A

Here is my problem. My dad died almost 8 years ago and we were very close. I have never been close with my mother...in fact we’ve always had a strained relationship..but ever since my dad’s death she has wanted to act like we are best friends. I know that she is getting older and probably needs my support but I am having a hard time getting over the way she treated me while I was growing up. Some days I can’t even bring myself to answer the phone when she calls. Any suggestions on how I get over this without having to seek out therapy?

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I would put aside my differences since that is your only parent left. And I would try to build a bridge to her. In the process of doing that you may get a chance to know her and discover why she was the way she was.I would ask her to tell you about your dad. Tell you stories of when they met, dated and early life as a married couple.

Hello MamaBearto5 first off can we say find forgiveness in your heart! When we don't forgive others it keeps us in bondage and we can't move forward to a high place or find peace in our own lives. This is your mom, she is the one who birthed you into this world, yes trust and believe me I was in your place at one time in my life with my mom (May she rest in peace) we had a very rocky relationship she was very abusive to me physically as well as mentally, but God through prayer and just loving on her because she was my mother and knowing it was the right thing to do, it brought her to condemnation, she began to realize that the treatment she was giving me was only because of her hardships throughout life and that I reminded her of her when she was younger because I had so much life and vitality that she missed in her younger years because she became a mother at the age of 18 and didn't get to experience a lot of things that I did get to.

Sometimes we have to look deeper into the situation, its not always something we did, to cause the hardship with a loved one, sometimes its their own personal demons and they take it out on others. Pray for her and your relationship, prior to my mother’s demise from Cancer she and I got really close, she began to come over and sit with me for hours on end in my backyard we would cook and just enjoy each other, so I know from experience prayer does, and can change things if you can believe that! My best, and my prayers are with you.

Absolutely, Unpack your bags, remove all the hurtful thoughts from times gone by in your mind. Replace them with what you want to have, it sees like that is what she has done. She is treating you like a best friend, because that it what she wants you to be. Forgive her for what ever, whenever and move on into the light of Love. Life’s pencil doesn’t have an eraser, we can’t go back and undo. But we can move forward in Love and create something new. Be an activist for chage, we can’t change people, but we can change ourselves and thus envoke the change in others. I have learned to do the same thing and expect the end result will be different is insanity, it never happens. But if I change just one thing everyday, things will change in everyway. Enjoy your Mom while she is here, My Mom left this world last year and I miss her terribly to this day what comforts me is I have the best of Her in in ME everyway!

I understand where you are coming from. It is difficult after a parent dies since the relationship with the remaining parent shifts in a very dynamic and dramatic way. My advice to you is don’t become a prisoner of the past. Do something such jounaling, talking to someone, whatever activity that will get the negative feelings from the past out and then be done with it. I know it is hard, but think of starting a new chapter with your Mom. You might be suprised that you actually enjoy her company.

I had the same situation with my grandparents who raised me. My grandfather was my knight in shining armor, and when he was on his death bed he made me promise to take care of my grandmother, even though he knew we didn’t get along. I put aside our differences and took care of her, putting her needs before my own and making sure she was cared for. For years she maintained that nothing I did was good enough, until one day out of anger I told her, “I’m all you got, take it or leave it. All those relatives you like to talk about are not the ones taking care of you.” That opened her eyes to the facts.

I neither forgave her or forgot what she put me through as a kid, but because I loved my grandfather with all my heart, I kept my promise. Do what you have to do; forgive and forget if you can, but if you can’t, do what needs to be done because it’s what your father would have wanted.

I agree with most of the previous answers. However, I would confront her with how you feel because unless this is resolved or brought to the table, it will always be an underlying nagging at your heart. Discuss this first and by all means she is your mother no matter what. She is feeling a loss and is reaching out in her own way. Discussing it may bring you closer. My mother passed in 1995 and my father was always unbearable. All of us feel about the same way as you and yes sometimes we do not answer the phone. However he is our father and we do keep in touch with him. He is still the same as he was but that is his way...at least to his family. We have excepted it. He is 89. He is lonely but still doesn’t realize how he treated us growing up. Whenever he gets out of line when I call, I tell him I am going to hang up now and when he feels better to call back. I always tell him I love him. He told me well I don’t love you!!! I could have fought with him but I just said well I still love you. Call me later. Sometimes you just have to try to understand them. I see you have children also as I do. Try to turn the situation around to your family and how you would want things if it was you. Hope all goes well. Pray about it also. God really does work miracles in our lives...we just have to be open to it. Take care and God bless you.

I am going to probably be in the minority here. I have almost no relationship with my mother, same goes for my brothers, they don’t keep in touch with her either. We have all come to the decision that she is on her own as we have been. She has never taken responsibility over the abuse that she has inflicted on us (primarily me)in years past I made the effort repeatedly at the urging of her sister (my favorite aunt/mother figure). I wouldn’t recommend distancing yourself from her if there is a chance that you can rebuild a relationship. I would encourage you to try to do that if you feel it in your heart, but you do have to pretect yourself from further hurt as well.

If she is willing to be a participant in the relationship ...then I say you need to forgive...doesn’t mean you forget the wrong that was done but you have to forgive to truly move on with your life. She is your only parent....and just maybe she will realize the hurt she had caused and will ask for forgiveness. Holding on to the past only hurts YOU and as Neicy said...keeps YOU IN bondage. Even if she never ask for forgiveness...you have to do what is right...and what allows YOU to move on with your life. You never know...you might develop a good relationship with her...but remember you don’t have to tolerate ANY behavior from her that reminds you of the past. You are in control this time!

Thanks to all of you for the advice. I think I should also mention that I am the youngest of 8 children. Only one of my siblings is close enough to my mom to feel comfortable around her. Up until about two weeks ago that sibling and myself were the only two that talked to her on a regular basis. At that time, I was accused of not caring about her and not doing enough to make her life easy so I decided to take a break from talking to her. She’s manipulative and controlling and while she did birth me she in no way acted like a mother during my 18 years at home with her. I met and married the first man who gave me attention just to get away from her. There I said it...first time I ever admitted that to anyone....maybe this is good therapy for me!

Mamabeartofive and Vikki -you are both right! This is a wonderful place, filled with fabulous people who challenge us, who share, who care, who are there. Now we still have to do “the hard work” which means looking at the mirror staring at our own faces. We have to take the big step out of our comfort zone and take a good look and admit to ourselves hey “we ain’t no georgia peach” but we are peaches just the same. Filled with goodness, but we all have a pit, a flaw, we are only human. Don’t be too hard on yourself Mamabeartofive just be true to yourself and your feelings. Once you come to terms and fully understand “the why” it’s a new ballgame. On one of my favorite shows the host says almost every week “New Rules” I am far from perfect, just a work in progress and I’ll keep at it until it feels just right, just right for me and just right for God that’s who I want to be proud of me Our Father

You will need to forgive in order to move forward. In moving forward you will know what kind of relationship you will be able to have with your mother.Good luck, I have been in this same situation. I chose to forgive and fortunately, I have a much better relationship with my mother.It took time, I had to confront her about my feelings, she then had to finally accept that she made a few mistakes. We were then able to move forward. I just needed that validation. And she just had to admit to herself that she wasn’t always the best mother.