Monthly Archives: August 2016

We all know how hard it is to find love, especially in this age of hookup culture and technology (ewie!!). Summer is the beautiful time in a young person’s life in which they experience a fiery rush in the loins, and a kiss on both big toes, so to help achieve your summer lovin’ goals, à la Sandy and Danny, here is a helpful list on how to find the Persian rug to your coffee table this Summer.

Put yourself out there.

Everyone loves confidence, so show the object of your affection what you’ve got. Paint your face and body like a zebra, or maybe even a giraffe. This will show that you are confident in your appearance and don’t give a flying falcon about the other (less confident) animal impersonators out there. Your time is now, and your name is Mitsy.

Make the first move.

This piece of advice branches off from Tip Numero Uno, but it is nonetheless essential. Tell your prospective guy or gal, (or whoever it is you yearn for), that you’d like to plant a garden with them. Fresh fruits and vegetables are enough to make anyone excited. (I’m dreaming about creamy artisanal butternut squash soup dribbling slowly out of the corner of my mouth right now! Sure, its saltiness can be overwhelming, but spitting is for quitters and you, my fair Mitsy, are no quitter. Sounds real gourmet, ay)?

If at first you don’t succeed, there’s always the Internet.

I know, I know. Technology is the ugly cousin of love, BUT—when used correctly, it can be the nurturing uncle of casual sex. Develop a profile with only the best lighting and angles. I’m talking FGA’s/FBA’s (Fat Girl/Boy Angles) and sepia filtering the shit out of that shit. The great thing about the Internet is that you don’t have to be yourself, so develop the best version of yourself! The person you’ll meet up with will inevitably do the same thing, so there’s no need to feel bad. If only there were an Amaro filter IRL, amrite????

If you’re still not succeeding, perform a Wiccan Love Spell.

I recommend the Full Moon Love Spell. It’s so simple even an Atheist could do it, which isn’t saying much considering that Atheists are historically the least intelligent people of all time. Try to name one Atheist who has contributed to society (and NO, Joseph Stalin doesn’t count! See, it’s difficult. Tricky bastards). But I digress, who knew the key to love could be found in your kitchen!? I’ll tell you who knew: theists. The directions can be found here: http://wiccanspells.info/a-full-moon-love-spell/

Have fun!

The best part about Summer Flings is how temporary they are. Honeymoon phase all day evuryday. There’s absolutely 0% chance for you to get angry with your partner for clogging the toilet with too many marshmallows again (well a slightchance, but not high. There really are no absolutes in this world, which is why atheism is such a complete joke).

I pray to the naked cherubs up above that these tricks and tips work to help you find the Summer Fling of your dreams! Whether you’re attempting sex with the greaser who smokes joints at the elementary school at night, or the grizzly bear girl impersonator you’ve seen hobbling in the woods, what’s most important is that you’re getting out there and living your life. So what are you still doing online, Mit? It’s time to plant some arugula and make that tasty tossed romance salad.

Is your summer not as chill and ass-in-the-sand-cold-beer-in-hand as you think it ought to be? Are you only matching with uggos on Tinder? Or maybe you just lost your job and your house and need something to keep the blackness of reality from creeping in. Whatever your situation, here’s a look at the top electronic stores in each of our blessed 50 states:

Alabama

Jesus Christ & Sons:

If you’re having trouble bringing the Holy Spirit into your life then this store is for you. Located in a cloud above Birmingham, they carry all the electronics you need to live your life as close to Christ’s as possible. You can pick up an iPod chock full ‘o Christian Rock, a timer that goes off every time you should pray, or sleep in heavenly piece with a light-up dildo to keep your gay urges at bay.

Alaska

That Indie Movie Juno Inside an Igloo:

This VHS of the acclaimed Juno sits on a small island off the coast of Anchorage inside an igloo. It’s been frozen in the snow for years. Like, it’s really lodged in there. If you can get it out it’s yours!

Arizona

You Stole Our Land Now Buy Our Electronics:

Located in Klagetoh, Arizona, this Navajo run electronic store carries everything you feel the need to buy as reparations for all we’ve done to the native people. Sure you don’t need a Blu Ray player, but that house made of plywood that you passed on the way here is a great selling point.

Arkansas

Walmart:

This mom and pop retail megastore contains all your electronic needs! Want a cell phone for $2? They got it! Looking for your mom? She’s waiting for you at register 12!

California

Uncle Dan’s Secondhand Electronics:

Need a new CD burner or DVD player for your copy of Pineapple Express? Dan’s got all the wee… uhh I mean Wii you need. This is a front for selling weed.

Colorado

Uncle Reggie’s Secondhand Electronics:

Another front for weed.

Connecticut

LaRue Dairy & Radio:

Need a new radio? Of course you don’t! Just buy some ice cream.

Delaware

Dover Delaware Discount Disco Balls:

This eclectic little disco ball boutique has everything you need to get the party started this summer. For the 40-something who wants to relive the glory days of high school prom.

Florida

Everglade Electronics:

Run by a very hungry alligator, this redneck electronic shop will cost you an arm and a leg. Literally! Please, if you find any remnant of my son, send it to me. My wife needs closure.

Georgia

🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑

🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑

Hawaii:

Lakahaiwaklaunamikimauikawaii Beach:

Located at the foot of Mt. Haleakala, this electronics store is the perfect place to pick up some headphones before a day at Malikaekimakelaii beach. Toss a virgin (or your most chaste child) off of the Moutain to appease the dark Island god Krakakimotalittleluluaeiou and get the second pair free! Please, there isn’t long!

Idaho:

Potato Power:

Owned and operated by a rotting human head placed on a robot body powered purely by potatoes this electronic store has nothing you really want. Plenty of potato powered clocks though, if you’re into that or if you’re hungry.

Illinois

Bugsy’s Back Alley Pub:

Located in an old Speakeasy, this is just a bar. It’s 3:22pm, life is fleeting, your wife doesn’t really need a new phone charger. She’s fucking your neighbor Phil. Time to drink until you cry again.

Indiana

Indy 500:

If you’ve chosen to live in Indiana I assume you are a race car driver. You probably already have every electronic on the market. Just win this race so you feel like you’re finally a man in your dad’s eyes.

Iowa

Des Moines:

Kansas

A Tornado Full of TVs:

If you can safely reach in there and grab one, I’m sure no one will mind if you keep it! The family probably died in the storm anyway.

Kentucky

The Derby:

Your wife has moved in with Phil. Time to bet the retirement fund on Snowball and drink more.

Louisiana

Popeye’s:

No not the fast food joint. Popeye’s specializes in professional sound equipment. Any microphones, plug-ins, drum pads, or cables you need, they have guaranteed.

Maine

Larry the Lobster’s Laptops:

That’s right. That Larry the lobster. From Bikini Bottom. He’s really made a name for himself in the laptop business after he was fired from his lifeguarding job for sexual harassment.

Maryland

Mr. Krabs Computers:

Oh yes you guessed it another Spongebob character wash up. I’m not even gonna explain this one. Let’s just say Pearl isn’t really Mr. Krabs daughter.

Massachusetts

Patty’s Pub:

You’re now an alcoholic. He was just so young.

Michigan

Uncle Flynt’s Discount Superstore:

Specializing in water purifiers, this small business has really taken off in the last year. Is your child slowly dying of lead poisoning? Look no further than Uncle Flynt’s Discount Superstore. Look for the tagline in the window, “Our prices are great! Unlike what the mounting piles of evidence are beginning to suggest about our local government and in turn about our society at large—particularly regarding environmental racism, we wouldn’t lie to you!” It’s a large window.

Minnesota

Mall of America:

Someone definitely forgot their phone in one of the bathroom stalls. Grab it before they come back!

Mississippi

Father Tom’s Bible Store:

They don’t believe in science in Mississippi. Jesus will let you know when that girl from down the street wants to fuck, not Tinder.

Missouri

See Mississippi

Montana

Jainy Montana’s GPS store:

You’re bound to get lost in Montana, and your cell phone won’t work out here. Buy a GPS from Jainy, please. His cow needs an operation.

Nebraska

Scarecrow Jim’s Joystick:

This store run by a possessed scarecrow specializes in vintage game systems. Get your kids exactly what they wanted for Christmas in 1997!

Nevada

Stanley’s Electronics:

This is a front for a brothel. You and your wife haven’t had sex in 10 years and no one cares about your iPhone SE. Live a little.

New Hampshire

Anywhere on the White Mountains:

Literally everyone from the Northeast has to take an Instagram here before they turn 30. Just steal one of their backpacks. They’re rich and white and already lost, so there are no consequences.

New Jersey

The Situation’s Situation:

So here’s the situatuion, the Situation has some great deals on tanning beds, head phones, and vibrators molded from his own penis. Don’t be concerned, but everything is covered in grease.

New Mexico

A Crashed UFO:

This UFO is chock full of nifty electronics. You have no idea what the electronics do, but, hey, they’re free and they’re one of a kind. Snatch ‘em up before the US government snatches you, and buries you with all of those E.T. cartridges for the Atari 2600 the UFO should probably also be selling.

New York

That Guy Trying to Sell You Loose Cigarettes In Washington Square Park:

Yeah you know exactly who I’m talking about. He’s got a great phone and watch collection too. Be sure to check it out! If you look like you have an ounce of angst in your body, he’ll find you.

North Carolina

Kyler’s Kool Collectables:

Love guys in pastel shorts and blue oxfords? Look no further because this store has only that. Owned by Kyler (whose dad bought him this business) this shop is your go to stop for collectable electronics. You’ll find rare items like an iPhone 5, an Xbox 360, Kyler’s dad’s pacemaker, and an Easy Bake Over.

North Dakota

Radio Shack:

Just like the state, it doesn’t really exist or have relevance anymore.

Ohio

Columbus:

Your wife is gone. Time to finally fuck the shit out of John Kasich.

Oklahoma

Stew’s Science Store:

Run by a cow turned super genius from so many antibiotics, this store has everything you didn’t know you needed. Time machine? Check. Synthetic human with real emotion? Check. Sex robot? Of course. I’ll take 10.

Oregon

Danika’s Organic Electronics:

Specializing in environmentally friendly electronics, this store has everything to make your grandpappy lose his erection for good. Try the scooter powered by used fry oil. It’ll make it less weird when you ask restaurants for their old fry oil now.

Pennsylvania

There Are No Electronics Here:

Run by a prominent Amish family this store has the goal of making people think that all of Pennsylvania is Amish Country. They also sell root beer.

Rhode Island

Stacy’s Electric Stirrers:

This store specializes in those funny little electric stirrers used to make chocolate milk, or, the Rhode Island favorite, coffee milk. Exactly what you don’t need!

South Carolina

Fuck South Carolina

South Dakota

*See North Dakota

Tennessee

Dollywood:

BURN IT DOWN!

Texas

The Apple Store in Austin:

This is the only electronics store in all of Texas, so please support it! Austin’s hipsters need their MacBooks and iPhones to stay in touch with the rest of the world that isn’t Texas.

Utah

Joseph Smith’s Special Fun Store:

Pick up your new iPhone or a set of headphones here and God just might save your dark dark soul.

Vermont

Bernie Sanders’ Hip Hang Store:

Specializing in everything millennials love you’re bound to love this place if you’re between the ages of 18 and 30. You’ll slowly forget about it over time until the store goes out of business.

Virginia

Virginia Beach:

No wife and no more Kasich, you decide to just keep drinking until they find your body washed up under a dock.

Washington

Karen’s Coffee Pot:

This store carries every coffee maker on the market, but your dull low class taste buds wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference between pour-over and French press!

West Virginia

John’s Mine Hats:

If you live here you’re almost definitely a coal miner so might as well buy a hat at this mine hat shop. You can hold off until all the coal is finally dug up, or the world ends due to coal pollution.

Wisconsin

Say Cheese!:

This electronics/dairy has a wide array of camera brands and several different house made cheeses.

Wyoming

Yellowstone National Park:

Put down your electronic devices. Take a hike through a National Park. Don’t Instagram everything. You’ll make your father proud :,)