Monday, March 21, 2011

Basically, this week kind of sucked

Bored: 45 days

Secret Gay was booted from the program after coming home wasted tonight. Yesterday was the first time I spent any real time with him. He took me to a gay meeting here in town, which was awesome, but which was also awkward because we had to be all cagey about where we were going with everybody else since he is, you know, SG and all.

One of the things we talked about yesterday was his relapse months ago while in the house. They let him back in. He was extremely grateful. He's the only person I haven't spent much time with here, and I think I'd decided I didn't really care for him. Then yesterday we hung out, he got to be himself, he bought me a muffin, and I started to look forward to our weird-ass covert meetings. Learning about his struggle with relapse, his sincerity in conquering his addiction once and for all, and coming to terms with his sexuality so late in life gave me a new respect for him. "Tits on a nun C", our mentor, said he hoped I could help SG be more gay gay and less Secret Gay. I kind of hoped so too. When I got back from an evening AA meeting, he was gone. I wish I knew what happened to him today.

A and I went to a convenience store on our way home from tonight's meeting. This was my idea. Depending on who you ask, this is, or is not, against The Rules. For the purposes of tonight's hastily assembled emergency meeting to discuss the sudden departure of Secret Gay, it was against The Rules as everyone was kept waiting for us. It was apparently a VERY BIG DEAL INDEED because the house manager was extra pissed. This means new restrictions for one and all. Also, because A is a "phase 2" and I am a "phase 1", he's busted for it, even though it was totally my idea and he was only doing it as a favor to me, which is fucking rad, obviously.

Here, your pee gets tested all the time. A trained professional is on dong watch as you go about your business, preventing you from sneaking any contraband internet whiz into the little plastic cup. If you read my first ever entry from 2007, you know that this can sometimes be a problem for me. Blessedly, this has not been an issue here. UNTIL last week, when suddenly the ol' performance anxiety reared it's retro head forcing me to explain to my patient dongwatcher, "Yeah, this isn't going to happen. Sorry. But uh, could you leave? Because I seriously do have to go." I am 32 years old. Not sure if or how this is going to affect my ability to participate in the program.

Also, I'm getting a little tired of the lumberjacks at the meetings we always tend to go to, and recovery in general. There is a point in the AA meetings where the chairperson says to a full house, "To show that this program works, can we see a show of hands for everyone who has been in this program for more than five years?", and the same three people raise their hands: the chairperson, the secretary, and the guy who always sits at the front of the room with his AA jewelry, his leather-bound copy of The Big Book, and an orange highlighter. He's been going to three meetings a day, seven days a week, for ten years. To pervert a recurring saying from TBB, I'm not sure I "want what [he's] got".

My hackles are up because the honeymoon is over and I've been here before. As I adjust to a clearer head and as my shiny new optimism makes way for the ugly reality - that this program isn't successful for lots of people in the long run and many of the people that it does work for are super fucking annoying - I know I've got to be really on top of my game. I've been reaching out online and am happy to report I've received some reassuring wisdom in response.

I did read some fascinating information this week about alcoholism as a disease and its relationship to Tourette's, with which I am afflicted. That's what I was going to write about tonight, but it's late and I'm tired.