Caligula

Though Caligula stars the fiercest femme around, Dame Helen Mirren, to give an idea of its content: It's the only film ever produced by Penthouse. Caligula is basically an orgy-filled sex video set in ancient Rome and starring actors who deserve better.

Wild Things

The Toxic Avenger

When I was a kid, my brother and I watched The Toxic Avenger cartoon and had Toxic Avenger coloring books and action figures. As an adult, I saw The Toxic Avenger musical and it was hilarious. So when I was bored while visiting my parents one afternoon and saw that the movie The Toxic Avenger was available on demand, I decided to watch it. Bad move: It was essentially a vintage porn sex video for the first half hour. I had to explain that to my mom. I still don't think she believed me.

Eyes Wide Shut

Apparently Eyes Wide Shut had some sort of plot, but no one quite understands what it is. They just know that it's basically a sex video between then-spouses Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, and there are some weirdos in masks.

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale opens with Rebecca Romijn seducing another woman. She goes on to seduce a few others, all for jewels. At best, it's a bad B-movie that may make it onto a late-night cable slot. At worst, it's a glorified sex video of a supermodel who couldn't manage to hold on to movie stardom outside of the X-Men franchise.

Cruel Intentions

Cruel Intentions has all the makings of a really twisted sex video: Borderline incest, missing parents, virgins, girl-on-girl kissing, a teacher-student affair, death ... Basically, a super-intense sex video or one season of Gossip Girl.

The Black Swan

Sure, Natalie Portman won an Oscar for her starring role in The Black Swan, but we can almost guarantee that more people Google "Natalie Portman masturbation scene" and "Natalie Portman Mila Kunis sex scene" than have watched the film in its entirety. As a result, a Natalie Portman sex video may do even better box office numbers than this ballet-themed study of mental illness.

Unfaithful

Cheating is bad. Even cheating with Olivier Martinez, like Diane Lane did in the ultra-sexy Unfaithful. Also, she cheated on Richard Gere, who was the star of American Gigolo. This has all the makings for the most dramatic sex video ever.

Nymphomaniac

The movie is called Nymphomaniac. It's made by Lars Von Trier, though, so what's essentially a sex video disguised as art isn't sexy at all ... it's just pretty disturbing, sad and occasionally darkly humorous.

Y Tu Mama Tambien

Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna pick up an older woman and become eskimo brothers (and then some). You can try to argue that this is a bromance movie above everything else, but if you really wanted to watch something about a bromance, you'd watch a Judd Apatow movie, not what's basically a bisexual sex video with a threesome.

Mulholland Drive

Whatever actually happened in Mulholland Drive is pretty baffling, but the one scene everyone likes to talk about is the sex scene between Naomi Watts and Laura Elena Harring, so those two might as well have just made a sex video instead of a full film.

Though Caligula stars the fiercest femme around, Dame Helen Mirren, to give an idea of its content: It's the only film ever produced by Penthouse. Caligula is basically an orgy-filled sex video set in ancient Rome and starring actors who deserve better.