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My mother who is 48 years old was diagnosed today, she is a christian woman and has been with the same man for 5 years, he was recently hospitailized with pneumonia so they told her, a woman from the health department called and asked her if she was gonna provide his long term care. My mother had no idea what she was talking about she thought he was fine and was going to released friday morning. The woman told her that she needed to come in and talk and be tested for a couple different things. Aids is what she specializes in, my mothers test come in positive now they are doing her t-cell count whatever that is I guess to see how long or how far it is... when she called me today and told me the results I felt like my world was ripped away this is my mother the one person besides my children I care most about, I'm in denial for her and just wished this day never happened, I keep waiting on the phone to ring and her to tell me they made a mistake. I dont know where to go or who to talk to and I know talking to her only makes her feel worse so i dont want to do that.. I keep saying to myself, my moms not a whore shes not a drug user, she goes to church every sunday and believes firmly in jesus christ, how did this happen to her?? then I relize it can happen to anyone no matter who it is, I just need to know how to bring my world back down to earth and stay strong for her.. I dont know where it goes from here or what they are going to do or anything.. so please any information would be appreciated please.. I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through this, I could have never understood how anyone could have felt going through this until that phone call.. I mean I know everyone is going to pass away one day but my mom is really dying and no one knows when, I never had to think about before if my mom was going to answer when i called her phone, now everytime she doesnt I'm going to go through this all over again.. she says lastnight the song played in her head live like you were dying and now she really has to live that way.. please help...

But unless you are yourself without sin, you might want to leave off the Christian woman vs. prostitute, drug user comparisons. Viruses don't really discriminate. Just focus on supporting your mother...

A few years ago my mother called me and told me she had cancer, so I know what you are feeling like--although I imagine, given your mother's age, that you are somewhat younger now than I was then and even more unprepared for such news. However, unlike my mother, who died less than two years into her fight with cancer, yours does not--unless there are things you're not telling us--need to expect any dire result. Look around these forums--there are people who are alive and well several decades into HIV, and they were fighting it long before the current better medicines were introduced. I myself have had HIV for close to six years now, and I have not so much as missed a day of work in that time. At this point I think it is reasonable to expect a person with HIV to have a normal life and a normal life span. I'd be happy to talk about more details if you like but for now I think that is the most important thing to keep in mind.

But unless you are yourself without sin, you might want to leave off the Christian woman vs. prostitute, drug user comparisons. Viruses don't really discriminate. Just focus on supporting your mother...

Hi Disbelief,

Sorry to hear about your mum. I gotta agree with Assurbanipal here. There are whores and drug users in this forum and they happen to be perfectly decent folks.

I am not saying it like that sorry if i offended anyone I'm just saying my mother has never just slept around she was married to me and brothers father until 2002 she met this man a year later, so I wasnt saying it to offend anyone I was just always under the impression majority of people who test positive are drug users and women or men who sleep around alot, even the lady at the health departemnt said she would have never figured my mom to be, my mother is over weight and a smoker and dont look like she has anything let alone this. thats all I meant, but my eyes have been opened widely to it can happen to anybody.. No I am not without sin and truly expected this to happen to me before my mother, I have been with 3 partners in my life but they have cheated numerous times my scare was them bringing it back to me.. Nestor yes I am only 28 years old and my mother is my everything besides my children I have no idea what I would do if I couldnt talk to her everyday, I am so sorry for your loss and I cant even begin to imagine how you feel but I am sorry. I can say now it feels nice to have some kind of conversation about this. my sleep lastnight was the worst I have had in a long time, every dream possible came to me and I kept thinking hen I wake up this is all going to go away, but hey its 7:34am and its still here.. what are the next steps into my moms heath? what happens from here???

I am not saying it like that sorry if i offended anyone I'm just saying my mother has never just slept around she was married to me and brothers father until 2002 she met this man a year later, so I wasnt saying it to offend anyone I was just always under the impression majority of people who test positive are drug users and women or men who sleep around alot, even the lady at the health departemnt said she would have never figured my mom to be, my mother is over weight and a smoker and dont look like she has anything let alone this. thats all I meant, but my eyes have been opened widely to it can happen to anybody.. No I am not without sin and truly expected this to happen to me before my mother, I have been with 3 partners in my life but they have cheated numerous times my scare was them bringing it back to me.. Nestor yes I am only 28 years old and my mother is my everything besides my children I have no idea what I would do if I couldnt talk to her everyday, I am so sorry for your loss and I cant even begin to imagine how you feel but I am sorry. I can say now it feels nice to have some kind of conversation about this. my sleep lastnight was the worst I have had in a long time, every dream possible came to me and I kept thinking hen I wake up this is all going to go away, but hey its 7:34am and its still here.. what are the next steps into my moms heath? what happens from here???

Dis,

Just goes to show that HIV doesn't discriminate.

The best thing you can do right now is let go of the "how did she get it?" thing. She has it and no amount of wondering why is going to change that.

The next steps for your mum are quite straightforward. She should have blood tests to determine her viral load and her CD4 count as well as a full blood work up for things like liver function and kidney function.

Additionally she should be tested for conditions such as Hepatitis B and C and syphilis if she hasn't been already.

Hi DisbeliefThis is my standard reply to new comers...I hope this will help.

Reaction to the results is difffernt for everyone, but over time your Mum will find a way of coping with the virus that suits her and it might be quite differnt from how others deal with it.

No one here will ever tell her or you it's easy, it's ok to get angry and scared but don't let it take over your life, stress is natural it can actually help some of us get through certain situations but excessive stress can cause physical symptoms and can damage the immune system further, just find ways to manage any stress Mum may be feeling, teach her how to relax and listen to herbody...these are the kind of thing you can do to help.

Along with HIV comes anxiety and one way of tackling this is through information, helping her to gain confidence in herself and making informed decisions about her future.

Support is very important and Mum can get this from a qualified ID doctor , family and friend that you both trust and there are many support organizations out there...just make sure whoever Mum discuss's this with is sympathetic,supporting and non judgmental about her HIV status.

Most important of all you have to remember that being HIV+ does not stop Mum from being the person she were before her diagnosis.

I can say now it feels nice to have some kind of conversation about this. my sleep lastnight was the worst I have had in a long time, every dream possible came to me and I kept thinking hen I wake up this is all going to go away, but hey its 7:34am and its still here.. what are the next steps into my moms heath? what happens from here???

How is your mother doing today?

As I said, I've had HIV for nearly six years now and so far it's done nothing to me worth talking about, so what happens from here, for your Mom, might just be six or more years not very different from the life she's lived up till now. When she gets the results of her t-cells and other tests back you and she will know much more about what to expect. In the meantime, here's what I did when I found out:

1. I got upset, cried, prayed a lot (that actually helped a lot) talked to people who cared about me, cried a bit more, decided I needed to put the whole thing out of my mind for a bit, spent a week in the mountains, felt better.

2. Read as much as possible about HIV, and about general health. Decided the goals were I. to avoid medicine as long as possible, and II. once I did have to start taking the medicines, to protect myself against side effects. I decided the way to do both was to be as healthy as possible in general, so-

3. I became very interested in health, read a lot about nutrition, healing, and health in general. Tried various theories and systems, stuck with ones that worked for me. Did not become a health fanatic or nut, however.

4. Basically semi-forgot about the whole thing and went on living my life, one in which HIV does not play a large role. Every three months I go to get a blood test, and then two or three weeks later I meet my doctor, who tells me the latest information about my immune system. I tend to develop renewed interest in the HIV question around those times.

Here are a few thoughts for your mother. It would be somewhat helpful, though not essential, to know when she got HIV. In my own case, it was very easy for two reasons. First, I only had unsafe sex once in my life, so there really wasn't any other candide. Second, I had very clear symptoms of infection--swollen lymph nodes, flu-like illness--two months or so after the event.

As I've said, general health is important, so if quitting smoking were possible that would be a great idea. Eating well, (I love a book called "Nourishing Traditions") and getting enough sleep and exercise are all important. Prayer is extremely powerful; so is laughter. On two occasions when I had health problems traditional Chinese herbal medicine helped me a lot. I avoid stress wherever I can and try to minimize depression in sane ways.

Nestor my mother is still trying to accept the fact and has prayed everynight just like before this all happened, she is afraid of me holding my children from her because of this, I tried to explain to her that would never happen simply because I'm not afraid of catching it and #2 they have been around her the last 5 years since she has been with him and if i was supposed to be afraid it would have been then and not knowing so there was no precautions but now that we know every precaution can be taking.. I'm still trying to accept the fact and trying to make myself believe that the next test will come back negative, I find myself up at 5 am looking online at chances of a false negative.. I dont know how to handle it at all its like my life came crashing down on me, i cant stand the thought of my mother hurting or being sad or in pain.. she dont want to talk about it cause it makes her cry, so I dont bring it up I just cry and pray when we get off the phone.. as far as her being sick for anytime she hasnt thats what i cant understand I know before this man came around she was tested 4 months before she met him and was negative. and 7 months after meeting him, but never since then and hasnt had any flu symptoms or anything so I dont understand how this is going on.. now as far as him the pnuemonia he just had the doctors said it was probably from the AIDS and that it looks like he is in last stages, but why didnt she have it when she was checked 7 months after meeting him?

I have been writing in a journal that i started yesterday and in it I said i hoped to never meet anyone who was going through what I am right now because i would never know what to say to them because I know there is nothing no one could say to make it feel any better, my mother is dying inside and there is nothing I can do to help her. i have never felt so helpless in my life, she has always been there for me and now when she needs my help the most there is nothing I can do. Hell i cant even help myself i cant eat i cant sleep and the little that I do sleep I dream of her not being with me.. i just thank god that I found this site and there really is other people who understand what i am feeling and going through.. I'm so sorry for everything that you guys are going through, I just wished they would come up with a cure to help all the people in the world going through this.. thanks everyone and god bless you...

Nestor my mother is still trying to accept the fact and has prayed everynight just like before this all happened, she is afraid of me holding my children from her because of this, I tried to explain to her that would never happen simply because I'm not afraid of catching it and #2 they have been around her the last 4 years since she has been with him and if i was supposed to be afraid it would have been then and not knowing so there was no precautions but now that we know every precaution can be taking.. I'm still trying to accept the fact and trying to make myself believe that the next test will come back negative, I find myself up at 5 am looking online at chances of a false negative.. I dont know how to handle it at all its like my life came crashing down on me, i cant stand the thought of my mother hurting or being sad or in pain.. she dont want to talk about it cause it makes her cry, so I dont bring it up I just cry and pray when we get off the phone.....

One of the biggest terrors your mother faces right now is that she is afraid she will do something to hurt you or her grandchildren.

A lot of us go through this at first and it is really scary. We didn't think we were doing anything particularly risky and suddenly we have HIV. So we don't know what to trust about our knowledge of how it is spread and the fear of harming our loved ones becomes a terror.

But even when she intellectually knows, the emotional fear of infecting those you love is strong and it helps to talk to people to get over the irrational fears (or at least develop coping mechanisms) -- because, unfortunately, she is not going to have to cope just with her own irrational fears; she will have to cope with those of other people as well. You may want to help her find a support group to talk with or help her create an account here to talk to people directly. It really helps.

Thanks Assurbanipal i could really use this information for her, she has been reading online and I just told her about this group today, i know the woman at the health department told her after the next test results are in and they see where everything is and how far along it is then they will set er up in a group and with a conselour.. I think it might get better from there, I know just for me coming to this site it has helped me some to deal with the facts.. any information I can get will be helpful to us, before I this I never read up on aids i have been tested be fore and it was negative both times and I never knew anyone in the situation..

I have some questions about some of the laws against this, I was wondering if the doctors was supposed to tell my mother the situation being as they knew my mother and this man was together??? and also he was released from the hospital yesterday and my mother had a talk with him and he told her he has knowing for 13 yrs about his condition and never done treatments is there a law against knowingly passing this on?? the only reason my mother found out she needed tested right now is because the woman asked her if she was gonna be responsible for his long term care other then that she would have never known the doctors didnt tell her anything.. thanks everyone again for the suport..

Let me start by saying I am sorry to hear about your mom's recent diagnosis, and I hope you are Ok.

The doctors by law are not allowed to disclose his status directly to your mother, unless they are married. There are laws that vary from state to state regarding disclosure and transmission of the virus. I will say, that this is really something that is not supported by many here in the forums, myself included. It helps strengthen the stigma surrounding HIV and those who live with it, and it only perpetuates the idea that we don't give a damn who we pass this virus to, which is furthest from the truth for the most part. Trust that your mother's friend is an exception to what most of us here go through in protecting others, and/or disclosing our status before sex. You probably don't have much compassion regarding this issue right now and that is understandable because you feel someone has done your mother great harm.

But you see this is the reality of it, your mother is a responsible adult. I am pretty sure she's heard of HIV/AIDS and like most of us it probably even scared the crap out of her at one time or another just thinking about it. With just a basic knowledge, which went ignored, she chose to sleep with this man unprotected and unfortunately she ended up getting infected. Did she purposely put herself at risk? Hell no, but it was a risk she took none the less.

You may also want to take into account that it would become public record if she was to persue such a case and these often time are highly publicized, meaning everyone and their grandmother will know that your mother is HIV+. Right now disclosing to her best friend may be hard enough alone, can you imagine if everyone in your hood knew? Her church even? I assume disclosure would be a sensitive issue for your mother right now, and if so I am sure you can understand.

I also want to implore you to stop saying your mother is dying inside, because this thought is far from true. She needs to educate herself so that she can live a normal existence and see them grandkids off to college, of course unless she gets hit by a bus which would be even more tragic.

In the mean time keep asking questions, even if it involves sticky issues like prosecution, because in the end this is a support forum established for people like you who have questions regarding someone they love who is infected with HIV.

My mother was diagnosed almost 12 years ago; she was infected by my father. She was immediately put on the then new HAART medication and with a CD4 of less than 200 she regained her health while my father didn't make it and died within a year (they were diagnosed obviously the same time). She has lived to see the birth of a new grandson, out survived numerous family members and friends around her age (including a sister, my aunt, who died of cancer 3 years ago) and will only retire from a secretary job in a few months (which she's been doing for over 30 years, and even at 67 they still try to convince her to stay). While it gets on a nerve in times, she's also a devout Catholic.

In short, we find ways to deal with what life has thrown to us. Your mother doesn't have to be "dying" if she doesn't want to. Think of HIV as just a disease, and as part of her support network you need to have the same attitude too.

the situation with this man is he is an illegal immigrant and she is trying to put him out of her house which is only right, I myself know that I dont want to deal with a disease let alone look at the man that knowningly passed it on to me, she isnt wanting him prosecuted she just wants him to leave and he wont.. I was asking questions to find ways to make him leave her home.. and I think by all rights the doctors knew his condition and should have told my mother what was going on. If the woman from the health department wouldnt have called asking questions about his care she would have never known and could have simply passed it on to the next man if she was to ever be with another..

I could have understood a little more and maybe cared about him if it was a shock to him and he never honestly knew but he admitted to her he has known for 13 years, they have talked about aids before and he has never said anything about his condition.

Yea your right my mother is a grown ass woman and made the choice of sleeping with this man and she owns up to her part.. but that is like saying you teach your children not to talk to strangers for any reason but how many people do as children and adults? and then they end up being killed by the strangers they talk to is it their fault they was killed? it is never ok knowingly doing someone harm in any case..

this disease is taking your life weather you want to see it or not, yes there is meds to help but its showing everyday that they dont always help. 30,000 people die every year from this disease.

this is a wake up call to me and my mother you can share your most intimate moments with people and everything you feel and care about and there is people out there who dont give a fuck..

lets say this man knew he had AIDS as he does full blown AIDS and we didnt know, my kids go to her house every weekend and so does my brothers kids, if this man were to cut hisself and bleed somewhere and one of these young kids touched it for some reason and he infected them is it their fault that they could have possible caught it because he never cared to disclose this information so that we could take precautions?? NO its not ok.. there are 5 children at risk with this man around and we never knew about this .. As I said before my mother has been checked and she took precautions but aint no one here going to tell me they use protection with a man you have been with 5 or 6 years.. It is never ok to harm anothers persons life..

Thanks for the support guys.. and with my mother knowing she is infected she wont be out passing it around because she knows its not right to harm other people because of her mistake..

... lets say this man knew he had AIDS as he does full blown AIDS and we didnt know, my kids go to her house every weekend and so does my brothers kids, if this man were to cut hisself and bleed somewhere and one of these young kids touched it for some reason and he infected them is it their fault that they could have possible caught it because he never cared to disclose this information so that we could take precautions?? NO its not ok.. there are 5 children at risk with this man around and we never knew about this .. As I said before my mother has been checked and she took precautions but aint no one here going to tell me they use protection with a man you have been with 5 or 6 years.. It is never ok to harm anothers persons life.....

I hear your anger. And anger is a natural part of the process of grieving over your mother's diagnosis. But be careful -- you seem to be treating her diagnosis as her death. Perhaps this is the first time that it has really come home to you that your mother will eventually dile. But don't assume it will be soon. She is quite likely to be around to help you with the trauma of realizing that you have somehow, while still eternally young, become a grandmother yourself.

But in your anger you have just recited some of the irrational and untrue myths about how HIV is transmitted. And it is going to be very hard for your mother to get over her irrational fears if you are still believing in them. Remember that link? It said:What's more, there hasn't been a single case of HIV transmission through these fluids reported. HIV cannot be transmitted through day-to-day activities such as shaking hands, hugging or casual kissing. You cannot become infected from a toilet seat, drinking fountain, or sharing food or eating utensils with someone who is positive. You also cannot get HIV from mosquitoes.

Your kids were never at risk from this man's blood. And they are not at risk from your mother's.

She can hold your kids, she can kiss them, she can hug them, she can change their diapers. If she feels worried about it she can put some disposable gloves in with the bandaids for when she takes care of the inevitable cuts and scratches. But as long as she isn't bleeding while she is bandaging the gloves are only for her peace of mind. The only "regular" things she shouldn't do is pre-chew their food or nurse them (and even those not exactly common things for grandmothers to do in the US).

Sorry... tough love.

But if you want your mother to have a real relationship with your kids you need to know the facts not the myths about HIV risks. And once you know the facts intellectually you have to know them emotionally as well.

what i am saying about this man bleeding and catching it, i know the ways you can and cannot catch this, but this man has cut himself in my mothers home, my 11 yr old daughter has cleaned it up while they went to the hospital to stitch it up.. thats what i'm saying and my brothers kids are only 2 and 3 yrs old so they dont have any idea about blood.. thats all i know the precautions when you know about the disease but it is the fact we never knew we had to take precautions.. plastic gloves isnt a normal thing in someone house where there is nothing to worry about you know what I'm saying?? I have to sit back and think is there maybe any of the time that I stayed with them was there a chance an accident happened, with him or my mother because she has been with him so long and just now finding out.. has there been any chance of my kids catching it already? I know we have to take precautions now but then i didnt know... i am scared not only for my mother and her life but for my childreans too, i was tested in november so I have no worries but I have to worry for my kids now..

Hiv is NOT transmitted from environmental surfaces and that include cleaning up blood. The only way this man is going to put anyone at risk is if he is having unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with them. Really. Using a condom for intercourse is the ONLY precaution needed.

Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus. This is borne out by the fact that your mother was with him for at least seven months before she became infected. I've known other women who were (unknowingly) with a positive man for several years and yet they did not become infected, despite having unprotected intercourse.

If you read Assurbanipal's post carefully, you'll see that he suggested gloves for your mother's peace of mind not for any real need.

There are plenty of hiv positive parents who have hiv negative children and they don't take any special precautions and their children remain hiv negative. Hiv is not spread through normal daily contact, it is spread through unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

As Assur. said, it's okay to go through anger and grief, and in your case you do indeed have grounds to be angry. It really is not okay to have a long relationship with someone and hide from that person the fact that you have HIV. I don't know if prosecuting or whatever is wise, but it certainly is reasonable to be angry. As for getting the man out of her house, I know from experience that that can be tough. I once had a roommate I could not stand, and it took me forever to get rid of him. It's even harder if you're a basically nice person and not willing to resort to drastic measures like throwing someone's things into the street.

While we're on the subject of this man--I know it's not the first of your concerns--but what exactly is his situation? You've said that he's known for thirteen years that he has HIV, that he has pneumonia now and that

"he just had the doctors said it was probably from the AIDS and that it looks like he is in last stages..."

Is he taking meds? Getting his blood drawn regularly? If not, why not?

Back to you and your mother, this:

"this disease is taking your life weather you want to see it or not, yes there is meds to help but its showing everyday that they dont always help. 30,000 people die every year from this disease."

Was not a very nice thing to say to a roomful of people who all happen to have HIV, but again I understand that you are angry and upset at the moment. I suppose you thought I sounded too optimistic in my previous posts, or as if I was sugar-coating the reality. All I can say is, if HIV is "taking my life", it's going about it in a rather funny way. And, as I said before, there are people in these forums who have had HIV for several decades. And they went through stuff that your mother will never have to go through, because they got HIV before today's medicines appeared.

About the 30,000 people a year--because I remember reading figures like that, shortly after I first got HIV, and being scared--remember that that includes a lot of people who for whatever reason will not take medicines at all, or take them without adhering to the schedule. It includes people who have had HIV for decades and went through things like massive doses of AZT in 1987. It includes people who didn't know they had HIV until it was too late--suddenly some infection killed them without their even having had time to do something about it. It includes homeless people and people who had so badly abused themselves with drugs or other lifestyle problems that their bodies didn't really have a chance to deal with it. There is no reason for your mother to compare herself with any of those people. And remember too that that is out of hundreds of thousands of people who have HIV and are not dying. Around 42,600 Americans get killed in car accidents every year; you don't worry that you're going to become one of them every time you get in a car, do you?

I believe that a healthy person with a good lifestyle can live just as long and well, having HIV, as if he or she didn't have it at all.

Others have already said what needs to be said about the lack of risk from casual household contact. I spend weekends with my grandmother, I have roommates, I cook with friends, and so do thousands of other people with HIV. If there had been even one case of someone getting HIV in some weird way--blood on a kitchen knife or the bathroom sink or whatever--don't you think we all would have heard about it by now? Three decades into the epidemic?

Nestor I am so glad you write eevrything you say to me puts me more at ease everytime we talk.. I wasnt trying to say anything in a wrong way I guess its just a shocka and yea i know my mother was dying everyday just like normal people eevryday is a day closer to us passing away.. But now that she has this its like I realy have to look forward to my mother not being here at some point and time, i have just always prayed that i would never have to bury my mother..

She isnt wanting to prosecute him she just wants him gone and she has asked him nicely and he just wont go.. No he hasnt ever taking any meds and has never had blood drawn besides the other 2 times before my mother that he had the pneumonia, he said he went through this twice before and as far as that never any meds or doctors visits, its just like he didnt sit back and think that he should take care of himself so why should he care about my mother..

See in school they even teach you that touching a persons blood that has HIV you can contract it, if you have a sore or even if it gets in your cuticles, so i honestly didnt know..

Ann: I know he meant now its for her peace of mind but I was talking about before, I just dont see how someone knowingly does this to anyone..

I guess once they get her Vl's And cd4 counts back and start her meds life will be easier then, right now its like we dont have any clue where this is what stage its in, how long she has had it or anything..

I just dont know where to go and I have been looking it up on line ands reading as much as I can about it so i can help my mom in anyway possible, so thanks for all the input from everyone I need all I can get right now..

and again I'm not here trying to offend anyone I'm just trying to understand everything I can...

Dis, Both my wife and I are HIV+, not only have we conceived a beautiful HIV-little girl, but like Ann stated above there are really no special precautions what so ever that we take around her, because none are needed. I for one am not offended by what you have said here, as a matter of fact I admire you for being as open-minded during this difficult time you are experiencing. You are learning all the facts about this and that is a good thing for both you and your mother.

She isnt wanting to prosecute him she just wants him gone and she has asked him nicely and he just wont go.. No he hasnt ever taking any meds and has never had blood drawn besides the other 2 times before my mother that he had the pneumonia, he said he went through this twice before and as far as that never any meds or doctors visits, its just like he didnt sit back and think that he should take care of himself so why should he care about my mother..

The main reason I asked about his condition is to understand the situation between him and your mother. If he is really "in his last days" as you suggested, then throwing him out of the house could be complicated. is he actually gravely ill at the moment? But I suppose it's going to have to be one day at a time for a while. The priority has to be your mother's coming to terms with HIV and taking care of herself, and dealing with this guy may need to be put on the back burner. But on the other hand, to go on living with someone you don't want to live with is really awful too, so I don't know what more to say about that...

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See in school they even teach you that touching a persons blood that has HIV you can contract it, if you have a sore or even if it gets in your cuticles, so i honestly didnt know..

I'm sorry to hear that they are teaching that in school.

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I guess once they get her Vl's And cd4 counts back and start her meds life will be easier then, right now its like we dont have any clue where this is what stage its in, how long she has had it or anything..

I know what that's like. But I would add one thing: as soon as they get her vl and cd4 counts back, and start her meds if necessary. In fact, unless those numbers were to be catastrophically low, I never recommend people start meds after only one set of labs. Numbers fluctuate too much for one set of labs to be enough information to go on. I'm not on meds yet, and neither is Ann--and I'm in my sixth year and she's, I think, in her twelfth. There are various opinions about when it is best to start meds, and I think the decision should be made, not under stress or pressure, but after having weighed all the evidence and come to a calm resolution on the subject. Again, if her numbers were to be catastrophically low--ten t-cells or some such thing--then starting right away would be the right decision, but otherwise I would at least wait for a second test.

If you really want to get rid of the guy and he is an illegal alien the obvious way is simple... report him to the INS....even a "anonymous" report is investigated... especially if he is receiving any locally paid for services from medical/social facilities. this may not be a "nice thing" to do but will definitely get him out of the house...

She isnt trying to prosecute him she was just simply trying to get him to move out so she could try and deal with this alone, well today he was going to leave but none of his family wants due to the situation and my mother felt bad for himand dont know what to do.. so he is staying with her.. they are going to try and work it out as a roommate situation...

well thanks for the information on the meds i didnt know that I thought the sooner the better, so thanks for that information.. I actually talked to her and she is going to set up her own account so she can get her information from here and have someone to talk to that knows what she is going through..

Thanks everyone..

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Granny60

As a mother and grandmother who was diagnosed with AIDS in 2007 I can really sympathize with what your mother is going through. I had a blood transfusion back in 1991 in a hospital in a small town hospital.I went for years with out being diagnosed until I finally got so bad that I only weighted 70 lbs. I had to go to a major city to get diagnosed. I have been married to the same man for over 26 years. He eventually got AIDS after 1998. Neither one of us was screwing around nor did we do drugs. It was very devastating to both of us and our four children. Since my youngest had lived with us the longest while I had AIDS I told her to get herself tested for her own peace of mind. Of course she was negative. Do not be afraid to hug or kiss your mom. She needs all of the love and support she can get. Some days it is really hard, but with a good support group, a good doctor and the love of friends and family she will get through this. I am 59 years old so I do know that it is harder when you are older. If she would like to get on this forum and talk with me or anyone else, I would be glad to talk to her either through this forum, private email or even on the phone. The more she reads about this disease and the more she knows the better she will feel about being around her family and friends. Please tell her we are thinking about her and are praying for her.

You know, I truely admire you, I wish my kids would have opened up to someone after I was diagnosed. They know enough that they don't treat me any different, but they are so afraid every time I have a sniffle. It can be hard to let them know I am not going to die soon at all. I was diagnosed in 2003 two days before I turned 40. We think it couldn't happen to us. But I was with someone for 2 1/2 years and then one day one of his friends asked me if we used condoms. I said no and he told me he was having sex with my ex and they didn't use condoms and that he was HIV positive. I was shocked. I went and got tested and came back positive. You know what helped me the most. Learning about the disease and volunteering to do HIV prevention so that maybe my story would help someone not become infected. It happens and it sucks...but you keep on finding things out for your mom and keep supporting her. One thing is that I had times when I couldn't think about it and times when that was all I could think about. It came in like waves, some days were better than others. If she doesn't bring it up one day.. let it go for that day. She needs to adjust and it is a life changing experience. I pray for her...that she finds solice in her faith. That helped me. Take care!!

I just want to say thanks Granny60 and breezy, what you said has touched me.. I dont treat her any different it is the same as everyday before and i try my hardest to make her laugh, I was told once before that laughter is the best medicine for any sickness so I try.. The hardest thing for my mom right now is the not knowing where it stands, she gets her results tomorrow for her cd4's and vl's I hope they come back good.. The other thing is she is afraid to tell my brother he is the type that he thinks he knows everything and been there done that, he is just the type to hold a grudge and kinda rub it in where it hurts, he wont let her see his kids anymore and thats whats bothering her the most cause its a no win situation she feels he deserves to know but she knows where it goes from there.. I need to know a way to get it through his head that it could have been anyone and it aint her fault..

I love my mom more then my whole life and I would give anything to trade places with her, I feel like if she would talk about it might make it easier to come to the relization of it all but I know it hurts her to talk about it, and i dont want her to hurt or be sad.. she couldnt figure out how to work this site so I'm going over on saturday and I'll show her and give her your guys names so she can add you as buddies and talk, I think if she got to talk to someone in her situation it would be a lot easier, because she keeps apologizing to me and she dont relize she dont need to apologize I just want to be there for her through it all.. I'm glad you have kids and grandkids that understand granny60 and I hope they love you as much as i do my mom...

Breezy I understand where your kids are coming from too, I ask my mom everday if she is feeling ok I'm afraid of her getting sick right being as we have no idea of how far and where it is... i pray every single night for every single person that is going through this or that has family going through this and I pray that there will be a cure real soon.. I'm trying to learn all i can so i can teach her,so she can help herself, and while I'm learning about it I can help her too.. The day she was told it was positive and she called I dropped to my knees and cried my heart out, wondering why this happened to my mom but after i got on the web and found this site i see there are so many peoples moms and then I asked why these moms what did they do to deserve sucha horriblething?? and this site has healped me alot and I mean alot i have talked to several different people that have honestly made me relize my mother isnt dying today or tomorrow or anytime soon and I thank them for that.. I'm glad your kids are understanding also and now all i can do is pray that something will hit my brother and make him change his ways so that my mom can tell him and he will stick by her just as I am...

Thanks everyone and any thing you guys need to talk about talk to me or if there is any other info that can help me out let me know.. I appreciate it all so much

Hi, I really hope your Mom gets good numbers tomorrow! Keeping my fingers crossed for you. But whatever it turns out to be, I hope you can put it aside long enough to have a good normal Easter together. There's no reason to rush into telling anyone who might be difficult; there'll be plenty of time for that later. Good luck!

Thanks Nestor and I hope you and your family have a very good eater too.. Well she decided that she didnt want to know til after easter so she called and told them she would see them next week unless she was gonna die bfore then they could call her.. I guess she wanted to see to it that we all had a good easter and she was in good spirits for it.. Yes I understand about not telling the difficult people and I have told her that maybe she will listen to me so she can keep living the life she has now and still see his kids...

Thank you! I'm highly impressed by your mother's decision! It sounds like an example of two very important things: not rushing into anything, and not allowing HIV to dominate your life. I was going to say that in my case curiosity about the lab results would be harder to live with than almost any information, but then I remembered that between finding out that I had HIV and getting my first set of lab results, about a month passed, and I don't even remember having very much anxiety about it at all. Then again, I was in a somewhat bizarre situation, and I was also somewhat in shock. Anyway, happy Easter!

HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL EASTER!! ENJOY THE TIME YOU HAVE WITH YOUR MOTHER & BE THERE FOR HER...YOU ARE A GOOD DAUGHTER!!!

« Last Edit: April 04, 2010, 01:08:34 AM by Survivor25 »

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Psalm 18:16-18 (New Century Version)

The Lord reached down from above and took me; he pulled me from the deep water. He saved me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me, because they were too strong for me. They attacked me at my time of trouble, but the Lord supported me.

Thanks Survivor.. I'm trying to be the best daughter I can be and always be there for my mother, I love her more then I think she will ever know and would give anything for her to be happy the rest of her life..

Happy Easter everyone, hope it went good for everyone.. Ours went well..

I'm glad to hear that you had a good Easter. I believe that you are a good daughter and your mother knows it. What she's going/gone thru has not been easy for her. She, as a mom, only wants the best for you and she doesn't want you to worry. As you go thru this test, because that's what it is, (I've gone thru several) take time to research and educate yourself so you can help your mom too. She needs you to be there for her. You are very special to her, more than you can ever imagine.

Sometimes we don't understand why things happen, but it's good to know that God can help us go thru. Just hang in there! Proverbs 3:4-6 (Amplified Bible) declares the following: So shall you find favor, good understanding, and high esteem in the sight [or judgment] of God and man. Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

Take care of yourself and keep the faith.

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Psalm 18:16-18 (New Century Version)

The Lord reached down from above and took me; he pulled me from the deep water. He saved me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me, because they were too strong for me. They attacked me at my time of trouble, but the Lord supported me.