Category Archives: Sex

People can be a bit in awe of a high end vibrators and dildos. You need to really own it – put yourself in charge of it and make it yours. Before you use your chosen toy spend time getting to know it. Leave it out on your nightstand for a few nights so you get used to how it looks. Hold it and move it around in your hands so you get used to the weight, texture and how it feels. Its like buying a new pair of shoes. Once you’ve worn them in you feel more comfortable in them. Once you’re comfortable with your new toy, your ready to use it.

Whether solo or partnered, remember that a sex toy is there to aid your pleasure. It shouldn’t take precedence over your body. For partnered sex you can help your lover take charge of the toy. Its needs to feel like an extension of his arm. Suggest that he thinks of it this way – a good tennis player experiences the racket as an extension of his arm. The same applies when he’s holding the vibrator. This way it won’t feel like a clunky gadget in your bed but a turbo boost to your pleasure.

The design of vibrators is so much better now – created with a woman’s body in mind. But you still need to make it work for you. One of the most common mistakes is to think that all you need to do with a vibrator is lie back and think of England. But being on your back isn’t necessarily the best position. Try kneeling up. Once the vibe is in place move your hips – side to side, back and forth, in circles to get the most out of it.

Always use lubricant – preferably an organic one – with dildos and vibrators . However sleek and sophisticated the material, its not warm flesh. Lubricant makes them more body friendly.

If you are new to sex toys and want something easy to start with, try cuffs. I think they are a great introduction because you can both experience what its like to be the cuffer and cuffed. This brings PARITY and MUTUALITY to the experience – both qualities that foster RESPECT, which is absolutely vital if you are going to have a truly enjoyable time.

To get the best out of cuffs bind his wrists above this head. This leaves the most skin exposed for you to play with. If you tie his hands in front of his body his arms will cover his torso and get in your way. Here’s what to do:
Get him to lie on his back – but further down the bed than normal. Leave space above his head so that his arms have room to stretch. You don’t want him bashing into the headboard when you have him moaning later! Now straddle his chest and push his arms above his head. Take the cuffs and let him watch you run your fingers over them for a few seconds. Lean forward so that your skin is brushing his face. Tie him up…..

In the summer of 2006 I made a commitment to live in partnership with my body. I pay attention to what it wants. I do my best to follow its directions, desires and prohibitions.

The more I listen to my body the more clearly I hear it. And the harder it becomes to ignore it, even in the small things.

The other day I was snuggling in bed with a lovely gentleman. He started to kiss me with a look in his eyes that said, “We’re not getting out of bed any time soon.” “Oh…yum!” I thought.

His kisses brought my attention fully into my body. I noticed that I felt thirsty. “Well that’s inconvenient,” I thought and tried to ignore the thirst. Over the next several milliseconds or so I had this internal conversation with my body:

So I gently pulled my mouth back from his, hugged him with my thighs and arms, and said, “Just one moment, baby…I need to drink some water.” “Sure,” he said, not sounding interrupted at all. “Would you like some?” “No, I’m good.”

I returned a couple of minutes later, thirst slaked and able to devote my full attention to him. If I hadn’t interrupted – and risked throwing him off his physical or emotional game – I wouldn’t have been able to dedicate my whole physicality to lovemaking. I could have ignored it – it was just a bit of a dry throat after all. But I really noticed the clarity of my body’s voice. It demanded wholeness. It wasn’t interested in ignoring its small needs.

There’s a contented sort of lovemaking that is less an expression of desire and more an expression of….something else. Its hard to find the word. Its a sort of bodily plenitude. As if your body is so replete with ease in the nakedness of your partner’s body. And that plenitude spills out as lovemaking. Almost incidentally.

Incidental sex. Sounds discourteous, no?

But its not. Bodies that are so at ease with each other open themselves to an unusual tranquility in lovemaking. Their leisureliness brings the rim of the soul into view.

Words are unnecessary. No “I want” or “Harder” or “Turn around”.

Breathing is smoother and movements are more measured than normal, choreographing the body into cellular peace.

Arousal shrugs its way into orgasm, reluctant to disrupt its own placated rhythm.

I slid peacefully from arched spine to slumped-on-his-chest, to heavy eyelids, to sated sleep.

I’ve noticed that with some lovers its easy to communicate your feelings body to body. Cuddles and kisses are more eloquent than words. I don’t mean just the lovey-dovey feelings but the sharper ones too.

Hurt, anger, vulnerability, remorse – all of this can be said, heard and completed through the flesh.