Friday, January 18, 2013

Foreign Cars Are Tampons

Today on my way home I stopped at a red light behind a very LARGE, very MANLY Dodge Ram. There were three decals on the back window. Two were of Ram logos with sexy, sexy women caressing them. The centerpiece was a decal which read "Imports are like tampons, every pussy has one."

This did not offend me as a person who prefers Japanese cars. However, it did offend me as a person who possesses the ability to use intelligence and logic. The makers of this decal, and any person who chooses to purchase it and affix it to their very manly truck, have drawn two idiotic conclusions.

One: Every female, from birth through death, has a tampon inserted in her vagina at all times. This, I can only assume, would mean that each female, from birth through death, is constantly having her period. This begs the question, where do babies come from? (If you're unfamiliar with where babies come from or what periods are for, please consult a health book or Google.) If every female was constantly having her period, there would be no babies who grow up to be manly men who own manly AMERICAN trucks. For that matter, there would be no babies who grow up to create poorly-thought-out decals and bumper stickers.

Two: Every person who could be considered a "pussy" (meaning they have a lousy physique and/or enjoy classical music) not only owns a car but a foreign car. This means that a third grade wimp owns a Toyota or a Saab. By this same logic, if Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson drives a Honda he is, in fact, a pussy. You can tell him that to his face, decal owner. I'll just assume the decal is inaccurate.

These are the thoughts I had before the light turned green. As I continued my drive home I also had this thought: Does the logic displayed on this decal only apply to automobiles? Since your manhood (and the size of your manhood) is obviously based on your decision to buy an American-made car - you know, made by the industry that went belly-up and had to be bailed out by our tax money - shouldn't this also apply to all the products you buy?

I can only come to the conclusion that the owner of this truck lives in a home filled with only American-made products. He has no television. He has practically no appliances, for that matter. Certainly no computer or video game systems.

So what do you do to pass the time, manly American-made goods man? I'll go ahead and say you don't have, or have never had, a girlfriend since you are unfamiliar with how vaginas work. (And obviously you're way too manly to be a -gasp!- homosexual.) That's one possible activity off the list, and the only one I can think of that's an alternative to playing video games and watching movies. So I suppose the only form of entertainment you engage in is driving around in your truck, showing off how manly you are, and how good at buying decals you are. Sounds like fun!