I have developed a "hidden gay agenda" movie test using the logic of the conservatives who are criticizing the animated Disney film Frozen. Applied to any number of movie classics, this test proves to be enlightening.

How many times have you heard someone ask, "Is everybody choosing to be gay these days?" Why, now that you mention it, my dear keen observer of universal truth, yes! And because of that, I now quit being gay! That's right, y'all. The jig is up.

The LGBT community must recognize that most of the battles that lie ahead in the fight for equality will be waged over the issue of "religious liberty." It is time for every fair-minded American to recognize the all-out assault on their fellow LGBT citizens, particularly those serving in uniform.

I would like to offer a deal to the GOP. Just stay quiet about your heterosexuality and live your lives, and we will keep mum about our little "gay issues." All you have to do is deny your spouses, your families, and your friends, plus ignore your interests, passions, and entertainments.

In every city in America (and, I suspect, the Western world) there are drag queens, DJs, artists, and performers busting their asses every day to make gay culture happen. And for you to airily decree gay culture to be dead is a kick in the face.

Take that, Western Civilization. How are you doing, Institution of Marriage? Are your foundations shaking? Is the undermining almost complete? Or does our Thanksgiving agenda just look a whole lot like yours? Of course it does.

We can easily achieve the goal of ruining at least 53 percent of heterosexual marriages. A sub-committee has been formed to study Kim Kardashian's recent divorce to learn more effective techniques in ending marriages at a faster rate.

Gays are tired of having our relationships threatened by the epidemic of straight divorce. Every 20 minutes, a neighbor or a sibling walks away from a lifetime vow to love and cherish. So I say, make divorce illegal.

According to Focus on the Family, "if there's one characteristic thing about the Gay Agenda in public schools, it's [that it's] sneaky." But I thought Asians were supposed to be sneaky -- fact-check your bigotry, FotF!

For millions of Americans like me -- gay, straight and in the vast hinterlands in between -- the little box of traditional marriage is too constricting for our evolving notions of love and partnership.