So I’ve been describing the experience, in this digital age, of being “fat-friended.” My friend MARY sent me an invite to join her on LOSEIT.COM, a free website where you can track your weight, calorie consumption, and amount of time spent exercising until that glorious moment four or 16 or 112 weeks later when you reach your goal weight.

Because fat friends can constantly check each others' pages, they keep each other accountable. In middle age—and hey, where’s my digital pedometer?—this is what passes for fun!

I WENT on loseit.com immediately, SO eager was I to log my breakfast. In case YOU have not joined the magical world of fat friends and hence somehow MISSED my posting, let me review.

Two Thursdays ago, around 10:17 a.m., I had one THIRD of a cup of NON-fat Greek yogurt, ok--? A half of a small gala apple cut INTO it and, yes people, because I know it’s good for you, although I don’t remember why, a tablespoon of flax. For a total—bing! Loseit.com instantly totaled it up for me—of 133 calories.

You have to admit—a pretty impressive breakfast.

THEN came the afternoon, at which point I was understandably RAVENOUS, so I stopped logging FOOD as there would have been JUST too much TYPING, and I was feeling so WEAK-- I sometimes WONDER….if the Greek ECONOMY is collapsing, why are we eating so much of their YOGURT--?

“Well have you looked at MY page?” Mary asked, in wonder. “For breakfast, slice of wheat toast, egg whites, tomatoes. For lunch, non-fat cottage cheese, small spinach salad, half tangerine. For dinner, one cup of low-fat vegetarian chili with side of steamed broccoli but then, after dinner, whoops! I LOST it and did like three shots of Jack Daniels! And they were pretty big shots that waitress was pouring.

I mean, measured with my thumb? They looked like at least three and a half or four ounces—that’s 82 snaps per.” We calculate that all comes out to about…7-thousand calories.
“LIQUOR counts?” I ask, in horror. “What other pleasure is LEFT to us, in an empty world, FULL of Greek yogurt and flax?”

Mary claimed that, after age 45, if you keep drinking WINE with dinner, it’s just GOING to be an extra seven POUNDS, no matter what-- To which I RETORT that perhaps the fat friends can all just AGREE to CARRY the EXTRA seven pounds, and we should start an online support group.

And CALL it what? Drunk fat friends dot com? Even worse, Mary then LOSES two pounds and I GAIN two, making me feel as though the website is CONNECTING us like some kind of virus! This can’t go on.