A reader, who is both a child abuse survivor and parent of abused children that she adopted out of foster care, posted the following comment. It was so profound that I wanted to share it with all of you here:

The problem I see is not that abuse and trauma leaves lifelong scars, but that it keeps people from living their lives. Many smart people spend their whole life chasing after “normal”. They think that they will begin living when they finally achieve that, and get on the other side of their issues. So sad to discover that life has passed them by while they work and wait.

Personally, I feel better with the hard reality that “You will never be like people who didn’t have to go through this. Don’t waste your life trying to be.” This is what I tell myself, and this is what I tell my adopted children. I tell them, you will deal with your crap over and over again. At every major stage of life it will crop up, and you will have to come to terms with it. Expect it, and do the hard work. And never put your life on hold while you do.

The only way abusers win, is when they steal our lives. We don’t have to let that happen. ~ scrapsbynobody

I really needed to hear those words, and I suspect that many of you do, too. We might not have loving parents to nurture us, but we can learn from the pearls of wisdom offered by adoptive parents of traumatized children who have understood the dynamic of healing from child abuse from the outside.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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4 Responses

Those comment are so true I think, one thing I do when I am struggling or doing something unhealthy or self defeating, I ask myself, why I am doing it….I remind myself that I am doing this to myself now, my abusers are not doing anything to me right now, I am hurting myself and they are still winning and have a hold over me when I do that…it helps me take responsibility for what I am doing and to find a way/strategy to stop, because like your poster I feel yes they took something from me but Ithere is no way I will let them take my whole life! We dont get a second chance, we have one life, and I refuse to let them take any more of my life then they have already.

How true. I’ve spent over a decade chasing normal. Then realization hit that scars form from wounds. Physical injuries have them and emotional injuries have them. Just gotta accept that the scars are there, are proof that a battle had taken place and I’d come out the other side still alive.

Your reader has excellent advice, for time tells you that the issues pop up again and again over time anyway. Sh*t happens, might as well make fertilizer with it!

A very true comment id say! Personally though ive been quite happy to dedicate some of my life totally to healing and nothing else, but im now starting to see that ill never be normal – but maybe thats a good thing anyway.