The Strand Lengthens…

I’m transported back to that moment. Sitting at the desk, reading the words of a poem that my gut said was written by my husband. Reading words that were desperate, intimate, hurting. Reading words that were from a deep place in the heart. And not written to me. Expressing emotions that I thought husband was not capable of.

But were they from him? Were they to him? Who wrote them and when and why and how and what and…there was no frame of reference in my entire experience of life for me to begin to know how to feel or react or think or do. I was simultaneously deeply, immediately knowing that husband was involved with another woman yet completely denying any possibility of that. In literally millionths of a second my mind was giving and receiving alternate messages…he is not capable…he is fucking someone…he is not deep…he is in love with another…he could never write something like this…he wrote this… I could not breathe, I could not move, but I could not stay still – all within a mere flash of a moment. I continued to scroll down the page…and this is what I saw:

Husbands name,

Such an emotional weekend, I barely know where to begin. I’ll apologize beforehand for rambling and jumping around.

I wanted to let you know that I’m getting rid of Messenger and FB so no need to reply since I won’t see it. To have both readily accessible is too tempting to connect with you. Un-friending you would only raise red flags with ME-WIFE if she sees I’ve disappeared from your friend list. Maybe deactivating will too, but honestly, at this point, I don’t care. If she somehow figures it out, she can humiliate me to my friends, relatives, employer, etc. What she can’t do is embarrass me to ultimately the only one that matters and that’s God. He already knows what I’ve done.

Lying in bed the other night, replaying the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen…beautiful in the setting, the weather, the families, the animals, the nature, the festivities afterwards but mostly because of the couple that were so obviously and boundlessly in love with each other, and no doubt, they will be for eternity…I know I want a love story like they have.

On the way to the venue, I couldn’t help but notice the small wooden sign that said “Happily Ever After Starts Here”. Poignant and made the first of many tears for the evening, well up. The wedding could not have been more perfect in every way. But again, it was ultimately the couple head over heels for each other that made it so perfect.

I watched her ride up to the venue in a horse and carriage, looking like a princess. I listened to them exchange the most personal vows and devote the rest of their lives to each other because they couldn’t wait to start their lives together. They waited 45 years to find their soul mate and it was well worth the wait. To watch them ride off in the horse and carriage, took my breath away. Not because it was dramatic but because they were meant to be together. It made me yearn for exactly the same thing. I have the same feeling, just not the reality. More tears.

I won’t go into everything but it was also one of the worst nights and I literally cried myself to sleep that night. It became clear to me that I had been excluded from portions of her wedding because of the way I have trivialized the sanctity of marriage. I felt like the most horrible person on the planet. Her husband never spoke to me Friday night or at the wedding. I know I have no one but myself to blame.

But, just as my friend finally found her happily ever after, it’s time I seek the start of my own love story. Hopefully it will end just as happy.

As elaborate as her wedding was, I still think a wedding in the mountains of Montana with us wearing jeans and us riding off into the sunset on a couple of horses would’ve been perfect. That would’ve made me feel like a princess. As much as I would love it to be and hoped it would be, I know it can’t be with you.

The things that you used to say to me ten months ago, six months ago and as recently as just a month ago have now changed. It shouldn’t be a surprise to me, as things have begun to unravel and have forced you to face eminent and hard decisions, your position has changed. The assurances you used to give me so readily and easily, you no longer can. I understand. I have to.

I have been clinging to the hope of a life with you, but it’s an unrealistic expectation. Now that I can say I have finally fallen in love, even though it didn’t work out, I know what I want and hopefully I’ll be better equipped to find it again someday.

I am deeply sorry I disrupted your marriage. I rationalized that I wouldn’t be interfering if you were truly happy but it was wrong nonetheless. I don’t want to be that person and I’m truly ashamed.

There are a million things I want to thank you for. But I’ll stick with just a few…

For always making me feel beautiful and desirable. I always felt like we could walk into a room full of a hundred beautiful women who were all tens and you’d still make me feel like an eleven.

You picked on me and made fun of me quite a bit, too. But, it never failed to make me laugh at myself.

You always seemed to know how I was feeling without me even typing the first message of the morning and knew just what to say to get me out of a funk or make me feel less anxious.

You also knew when to just sit back and listen to me babble when I needed to. You’re a great listener. Of course, I also get that you can’t hear well so that may account for your great listening skills. 😉

You made me want to quit smoking.

You made me laugh so much. I love your wit.

Mostly, I want to thank you for awakening love in me. I didn’t realize I needed it and now I crave it.

We talked about going to far away places but I would’ve been just as happy hanging out in your lap watching futball and football. Even the occasional fantasy movie or scify.
We talked about going to The French Laundry some day, but I wouldn’t enjoy any meal cooked by a five-star chef more than I would a meal cooked by you.
We fantasized about laying under the stars on a boat, but I would’ve been just as happy laying under the stars in our own backyard.
It was always the simple things in life that I looked forward to doing with you more than anything.

I’ll have regrets, for sure.

You never made it to the cabin.
We never got to try to out-cook each other.
You never got to show me how to cast properly.
You never got to see me dock the pontoon. It’s not pretty.
I never got to meet your kids.
You never got to meet DOG’s NAME.

I don’t know where life’s path will lead you. If you can repair your relationship and rekindle what you guys had 27 years ago. Or, if your path takes you in another direction, I know you’ll find the love that is perfect for you. You have so much love to give, you’ll receive it back, ten-fold.

Whoever you end up with, she’ll be the luckiest girl in the world.

Now, just a few things and I’ll be on my way…
If you don’t do JOB full-time, find a job you really enjoy.
Buy a boat. Name it Eat a Peach like you always wanted to. I’ll name the pontoon Buck Wonder.
Always drive safely when you’re in your car. Don’t be distracted.
Never give up on love.
Think of me every now and then.

A loud noise rushed up from my feet to my head overtaking me. I was drowning in a swoosh of pain, drowning, and suffocating. No oxygen, no breath, frozen. Vomit welled up in my throat, tears pooled in my eyes, sweat gathered on my skin and I could not move.

HUSBAND was having an affair. In love with another woman. He wanted a divorce. And he was headed to meet with our counselor alone. But this could not be. Not my loyal, kind husband who would do anything for anyone. In mass confusion, I cut and pasted the words into a word doc, used his email to send it to my email and deleted any evidence of my actions from his computer (although now I wonder why I cared at all-this is such an odd response from betrayed spouses…we feel as if we are violating our violators when we dig for information? Part of the whole sick scenario).

Next steps. Next steps. Next steps. What could they be? What should they be? Who am I? Who is he? I now know who SHE is. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe, I can’t breathe, where is the oxygen, can I walk? I can’t talk. I can’t think IT CAN’T BE, WHO AM I WHO IS HE THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.

I do and I will say that I have days where I’m not reading any blogs because it is so painful.

What I find common is the age in which men cheat. Middle age crisis. At least, that was in my case with my husband. I know that’s not with everyone, but it makes some sense.

What also struck me about your situation was the shock you expressed about your husband’s personality and “depth” in his feelings. I found that with my husband, too. And frankly, the shock that he would stoop so low and devastate our marriage. What’s the saying? To err is human, to forgive divine? I still haven’t forgiven but I have accepted the fact that it happened. Sigh…

I’m so sorry for you. As I read this hits so close to home. No one can truly understand the torment we feel, unless they have been through it. As bad as it hurts to write, it is cathartic good to write it down. It helps to put things in perspective. Hopefully one day we all can look back and be thankful we don’t feel that way anymore. But for now we can take strength in the fact we are not alone. There are others who do understand our pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for peace… For all of us!! xoxo

Damyanti Biswas is an author, blogger, animal-lover, spiritualist. Her work is represented by Ed Wilson from the Johnson & Alcock agency. When not pottering about with her plants or her aquariums, you can find her nose deep in a book, or baking up a storm.