Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Week 7 results: My dog has no nose!

Another week, another missed opportunity to cure bowel cancer via the awesome power of Grambling. Odds were down on previous weeks by about three quarters, suggesting that there was a slim chance of victory. But as usual, I sat at home on Monday morning in my underpants crying into my Cheerios whilst reading the results and realising that it would be at least another week before I could retire on the back of winning about £500.

Here are some fatuities:

Game 1: Exeter City vs Bristol RoversPrediction: Home win ( x )Exeter set the mood for the weekend with a loss at home to Bristol rovers, with the home side handing the visitors two goals on a plate or similar serving dish. Bristol, who gave a first start to wasted-talent and utter bawbag Derek Riordan, opened the scoring early on when Exeter's Craig Woodman cleared the ball straight to Rovers striker David Clarkson. The former Motherwell favourite made no mistake from close-range (also, despite what his name may suggest, there is no evidence to prove that he is the offspring of the eponymous singer whose band of five knocked The Beatles off the top of the chart with Glad All Over). The Grecians had their share of chances to draw level but the score was to remain the same until the break. After the restart, nothing of note happened (with the exception of this week's Name of the Week winner Fabian Broghammer picking up a booking) until the 66th minute, when Jamie Cureton equalised from inside the Rovers penalty box. This was to be a short-lived reprieve though, as two minutes later an attempted pass-back from Tommy Doherty was intercepted by Eliot Richards who calmly slotted home the winner. Game 2: Cardiff City vs BlackpoolPrediction: Home win ( ✔ )Meanwhile in Wales, Cardiff were giving The Grambler some false hope with a comfortable win over Blackpool. Matthew Connolly opened the scoring with his first of the season, and first for the Redbirds, from a David Bellamy cross. Peter Whittingham doubled the home side's lead inside the half hour with a trademark free-kick. In the second half, Connolly sealed the win with his second, heading home from another Bellamy cross. Interesting fact for all you Matthew Connolly fans; his name is an anagram of Owl Latency Month, a festival celebrated every March by nocturnal bird and computer science enthusiasts the world over. As for Blackpool? Well let's just say that they failed to illuminate. They were under the pier. It looks like another roller-coaster season for them. Cardiff towered above them. They played like donkeys. They cannot say that life is a beach. They were all at sea. They have hit rock bottom. They failed to put on a show. They shan't be promenading through town. I could go on....

Game 3: Oldham Athletic vs Coventry CityPrediction: Away win ( ✔ )A second correct prediction as Oldham lived up to their name by playing like... ageing meat-produce? Paul Dickov's side were unlucky not to take at least a point with one chance rebounding off the post, two cleared off the line and two strong penalty claims denied before they eventually succumbed to a 90th minute Coventry goal. In a game which could have gone either way, Cody McDonald scored the decisive goal late on, stooping to head in a Jamie Reckford cross. McDonald claimed that it was 'a weight off the players shoulders' to get their first three points whilst speaking to the Coventry Telegraph, who went with the rather predictable headline 'Cody Breaker.' Personally, I would have gone for something far more contrived, like 'The Da WINci Cody.' Any newspaper writers out there fancy giving me a job? No?

Game 4: Nottingham Forest vs Derby CountyPrediction: Draw ( x )In the East Midlands derby, there was a victory for Derby... Much to the delight of Josie d'Arby... Who drives a Volkswagen Derby... The main talking point of the game was the sending off of former Rams player Dexter Blackstock for an elbow on Richard Keogh. Forest manager Sean O'Driscoll defended his man, saying that whilst there was contact, it was clearly accidental. It was the forth sending off in four games between the two clubs. Blackstock himself took to Twitter to apologise to the fans, saying "sorry for letting the side down but I only had my eyes on the ball and never ever tried to elbow him gutted". In my opinion, he should have his ban doubled for complete disregard of punctuation. Derby took advantage of having an extra man ten minutes later when Craig Bryson tapped in from six yards. The victory allowed Derby to retain the Brian Clough trophy, an award contested between the two sides transformed by the legendary manager. Not to be confused with the Brian Cloth trophy, awarded to people called Brian in the textiles industry.

Game 5: Ayr United vs Brechin CityPrediction: Draw ( x )Ayr overcame a shaky start to take all three points and keep a clean sheet for the first time this season. Brechin were awarded a penalty in the 15th minute when Austin McCann was adjudged to have handled the ball inside his area. McCann was sent for an early bath, but City failed to capitalise from the resultant penalty as Andrew Jackson's shot was saved by the Honest Men's honest man Alistair Brown. Surprisingly, United commanded the play despite their disadvantage and took the lead when Michael Moffat (who seems to have a shady past having murdered Shirley Bassey's daughter) dinked the ball over the onrushing keeper. Ayr doubled their lead in the second half when Marc Twaddle headed in from a corner. Interesting fact for all the Marc Twaddle fans; Marc thinks that Denzil Washington could play him in a movie of his life. I'm not sure but I think there might be a small likeness problem in this scenario... United completed the rout when midfielder, and Professor of Pathology and Co-Director of the Paul F. Glenn Laboratories for the Biological Mechanisms of Aging at Harvard Medical School, David Sinclair notched a goal on the rebound.

Game 6: Livingston vs DumbartonPrediction: Home win ( ✔ )Jumping up a division and everyone's favourite cricketer turned referee George Salmond was in charge as Livingston thrashed their opponents. There is definitely something fishy about him. The first goal came in the 9th minute when Marc McNulty volleyed in from twelve yards. This lead was doubled just three minutes later when Craig Barr headed home. Dumbarton were then presented a chance to claw their way back into the game when awarded a spot-kick but Chris Turner fired past the post. McNulty went on to score a second volley before half-time to all but seal the win. But Livingston were not content with three and created plenty more chances in the second half. Callum Booth, on loan from Hibs, scored the fourth after coming on as a substitute and a good day for Livi was rounded off with Keaghan Jacobs goal. And just to bring things full-circle, Jacobs could have chosen to go into professional cricket rather than football. Also, he is one of FOUR Jacobs brothers currently on Livingston's books. They also make crackers.

Game 7: Aston Villa vs West BromPrediction: Home win ( x )

West Brom missed the chance to break into the top four of the Premiership as Villa scored a late equaliser and nearly managed a winner which would actually have made this a pretty good week. The result provided plenty of childish giggles for the weekend, with the goals coming from Long and Bent (titter titter, chortle chortle). Nothing appeared to happen in the first half so we'll just ignore it altogether. The Baggies took the lead six minutes after the restart when James Morrison set-up Shane Long to tuck the ball into the net. You would have got Long odds on this happening... Darren Bent was introduced to the game with almost seventy minutes gone and took only ten minutes to make his mark. The England striker scored from eight yards out to level the score and could have put his team in front before the full-time whistle but managed to shoot over the bar. Paul Lambert would have been happy with his achieving a point following their recent poor-form, and just because I have not seen it in a while, here is a clip of the man himself falling on his erse whilst trying to take a corner.

Hopefully that is enough nonsense to make up for the laziness of Friday's effort. I am not bothering with the Champions League this time around as it is just another opportunity for me to waste time and money. So sit back, relax and pour yourself an Ovaltine; It's the malty hot-drink that helps you ovulate! (I have suggested this as a tagline to the company but they have not replied.) This coming weekend has some tasty fixtures, including Newcastle vs Man United, Bolton vs Leeds and Celtic vs Hearts. So join me on Friday as I ignore all of these in favour of a wrong prediction for Torquay vs Aldershot.

Tenuously related quote of the day:

"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one."

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