I Do Find Ryan Gosling Sexy: An Ode To Nice Guys

Jennifer’s post earlier today about why she doesn’t find Ryan Gosling sexy made me feel all kinds of feelings. As can be expected when debating the attractiveness of a celebrity neither of us has ever met (yet), some of these feelings were more rational than others. That I’ll never have to compete with Jennifer for Ryan Gosling’s affections is only a plus in my fantasies in which Ryan Gosling walks into our offices on a day that I’m there, lost and in need of directions and a hug. I realize that, okay?

Jennifer’s main argument rests on the fact that Ryan Gosling seems extremely nice and considerate, and men with said qualities are not nearly as sexy as jerks who take what they want, when they want it. Through much rhetorical trickery, she even manages to make “will go down on you for as long as you desire” seem like a downside to having sex with him, which I didn’t know it was possible to do. I don’t know about you, but “cares about, and is good at, giving me pleasure” is pretty much at the top of the list in terms of what I look for in a male sexual partner, right between “big, sad eyes” and “looks good in a cardigan sweater.” And if “what gives you pleasure” includes grabbing you by the hair and nailing you from behind like some kind of handsome, well-groomed caveman, well, I’m pretty sure Ryan Gosling would do that. For you, girl.

Allow me tell you a story about myself. For a long time, I chased after guys who were not very nice to me. I did this not because I love to get hurt, but because all the guys I found physically attractive just happened to be jerks (no, really!), and I thought I’d rather date jerks than be a romantically bored person with no crushes.

A lot of my friends told me I was being too picky, and the reason I never met anyone decent was because I refused to relax my standards of physical appearance. Of course I was going to keep getting hurt if I only ever went after boyish, scruffy, artsy-looking fellows. So my brain tried, against my vagina’s wishes, to date someone who wasn’t that attractive to me but seemed really, really, really, really, nice. Guess what? That guy turned out to be the biggest jerk of all. It was then that I decided physiognomy is bullshit. It’s what’s inside that makes you a man.

I didn’t date anyone for a long time after that, because I decided I would rather be romantically bored than put up with bullshit and/or settle for anyone who was less than a total Baberaham Lincoln in my eyes. This went on for almost a year before I met my current boyfriend (with the occasional casual sex to relieve my genital boredom), and at the risk of sounding cheesy, the wait was totally worth it.

Here are some things that made me think he’d make a good boyfriend for me:

1.) I wanted to make sex with him.

2.) He actually called me up to do things in advance, instead of texting me “r u out?” at midnight on a Friday.

3.) He, yes, went down on me. (This is a good thing, unless you hate being gone down on. In which case, you’d tap Ryan Gosling on the shoulder and tell him to stop, and he would.)

4.) He cared about my feelings.

5.) He enjoyed socializing with my friends and would talk to people instead of sulking in the corner when I brought him to parties.

6.) He took me to feed the ducks in Central Park.

Okay, so that last one isn’t really true, but you get the idea. It’s nice when people are nice! And well-adjusted. And considerate, not just of you, but of other people in general (there are lots of places you can have crazy, spontaneous sex that don’t involve inconveniencing hundreds of people). It’s sad that the “hot guys are assholes and assholes are hot” narrative is so ingrained in our culture that I half suspected my new beau had a basement full of decaying lady corpses at first, but I’ve since checked, and the only thing he stores down there is delicious beer that he makeshimself.

Which is all to say: I think you’re doing yourself a disservice if you only go after the George Clooneys and (ugh) Bradley Coopers of the world. And, judging from Ryan Gosling’s meteoric rise to popularity, it seems like an increasing number of you agree.