Wednesday, July 3, 2013

This Just In: In-Duh-Pendence Day in the USA, Suckers!

So tomorrow is the Fourth of July, or July 4th, or Independence Day, or "American Bastille Day," or whatever you want to call it, and it would behoove all of us on this day to take a short break from blowing shit up and grilling meats to reflect on what this great country of ours is all about. I don't mean what it's literally about, which is celebrating how we won the Civil War against Canada. I mean what it's symbolically about. You know, like, our philosophy on shit:

I don't know about you, but I cried actual tears of pride there towards the end.

Of course, with the holiday upon us (unless you're a godless foreigner) I'll be "fucking off" for a bit, though I will return on Monday, July 8th, 2013, USA!!! with regular updates.

In the meantime, during my "off-fucking," I hope to find the time to engage in some bicycle cycle riding. I probably won't watch the Touring of France, though. Sure, I used to follow the sport of professional European bicycle-cycling pretty closely. However, at this point I'm pretty much burnt out on it, mostly because it's just a constant drug scandal with some occasional racing going on in the background. Also, if you've seen one Tour de France you've pretty much seen them all. The guy in the green jersey is usually a douchebag who gives off a "rapey" vibe. Bradley Wiggins is just Carlos Sastre with a hipper wardrobe. At some point, Mario Cipollini's going to stop by naked. We get it.

Therefore, I find the best way to follow the race is to just scan Twitter while I'm on the toilet and see what's bubbling up. (Bubbling up on Twitter, that is, not in the toilet.) And it would appear that the latest controversy is that the Tour commissaires or commissaries or commodes or whatever they're called made American Ted King go bye-bye for finishing outside the time limit.

See, every Tour needs a rider who presses bravely on while injured, which is what Ted King was doing. Indeed, martyrs are as integral to the Tour de France as cocky sprinters or naked Cipos. And of course Ted King is an American, which meant cycling fans all over Canada's goiter were sporting great big throbbing Fred boners for him. So predictably, they're outraged, since now that he's out of the race they've got a collective case of Fredly blue balls:

The UCI race jury and ASO, the owner of the Tour de France, need to recognize that decisions they made on Saturday in Bastia directly caused King’s injury. It was their decision to wave the Orica-GreenEdge bus driver through the finish line after the gantry had been lowered. It was their decision to change the finish line to the 3km to go line, and then change it again, at the last minute, after the bus had been moved off course. Several riders, including Mark Cavendish, have cited the back-and-forth confusion so late in the race, while teams set up for a field sprint, as the cause of the crash.Now, King is suffering twice from those mistakes; first, due to injury, and second, due to insult.Eliminating King, in a time when the sport desperately seeks credibility, sends the wrong message to cycling fans. In an era when the Tour de France asks its competitors to perform as humans, and nothing more, it, too, should must show some humanity of its own.

I genuinely feel for Ted King, who has worked hard and sacrificed and blah blah blah to finally ride in the Tour, but I'm not sure I can get behind this argument. Firstly, cycling's credibility problems go way, way, way beyond not handing some poor guy seven seconds because he fell down. Saying the Tour could redeem itself by letting Ted King stay in the race because he's a swell guy is like saying Jerry Sandusky could redeem himself by buying one of his victims a Happy Meal. Secondly, I thought a three-week event in which outcomes are decided by tiny bits of time was what created all the drama in the race. Isn't crushing defeat part of sport? In 1989, Greg LeMond won the Tour de France by eight seconds, in perhaps the biggest American Fred boner-raising moment in the history of cyclesport. So, what, they should have given the win to Laurent Fignon anyway? Because, hey, it's only eight seconds, and Fignon should have had one of those funny helments too so it's not fair, and who wants to see a French guy in a ponytail cry?

I don't think so.

I guess I sort of see the argument that a decision made by the organizers may have been responsible for the crash in which he was injured, but at the same time this is Europe! In the summer! That's what hot Europeans do! They fuck up! Really, the entire Tour de France is just a series of bad decisions and shitty organization--it's as much a part of the race as bad pavement or road furniture or a shirtless Cipo.

Also, it's worth considering that discouraging riders from staying in the race when they're unable to ride within the time limit is actually good for the sport's credibility, partially because it's dangerous, and partially because this guy:

Remember how he attributed his miraculous ride that year to some Danish guy named Ole and his magical bandage-wrapping technique?

That was awesome.

In any case, I sincerely wish Ted King a speedy recovery, and it totally sucks, but I can assure him that there will be other Tours, as ridiculous as the idea of continuing to organize future Tours de France may be. Also, here's a poll if you'd like to share your opinion:

The latest attack on the Ashland Pl. strip happened Friday at 1:30 a.m. as Park Slope computer programmer Stephen Arthur, 45, pedaled by University Towers — and was nearly pummeled by a storm of falling pantry products.“All of a sudden an object flew by my face. I was like, ‘Holy cow,’” said Arthur, who was hit in the head by a brick while riding down the same lane in 2011.“A nine-ounce container was thrown at me.”Bottles of Hellmann’s mayo, Welch’s jelly, Kraft ranch dressing along with a box of Barilla spaghetti almost stuck him, too.

Wow. Really, I'm of two minds here. Half of my tiny brain thinks that we cannot let the craven actions of others force us to change our lives or to live in fear. However, the other half thinks, "Fuck, if that were me I'd never ride on Ashland Place again." In fact, when I lived in Brooklyn I used to ride on this street pretty regularly, and while I continued to use it after hearing about the brick incident, I did make a point of riding "serpentine" whenever I did. Also, I made sure never to wear a kippah that looks kind of like a target:

Instead, I wore a camouflage one so they wouldn't be able to see me:

I'm not religious or anything, it just keeps the sun off my bald spot.

And with that, I wish you a happy July 4th holiday, even if you're not American, in which case God help you, and I look forward to seeing you again on Monday, July 8th.

Do bald Jewish men have to wear the kippah skullcap?Because isn't it that Jewish men have to keep their hair covered?So if they don't have any hair on their head, they don't have to wear it, right?

-Yes

Well, while I'm sure many people dismiss this question as stupid the moment they see it- the question actually isn't as ridiculous as it sounds. It is Jewish law that no Jewish male is permitted to walk more than around four steps without his head uncovered in order that he should not to forget that there is something higher than him. The kippah only differs from a Met hat in the sense that it serves to fulfill the other law of distinguishing oneself as a Jew from the rest of the world (not to be confused with self aggrandizement). Here's why the question isn't stupid. There is an opinion in the Talmud that one should not have to cover their head when indoors- as ones head is already being covered by the building's roof. However, we do not rule in accord with this opinion. We know that the law to cover ones head does not imply before outer space or from any entity thereof as our heads would always be covered from the sky in that case and the law would consequently be superfluous. That essentially leaves the remaining potential coverings as clouds, buildings, trees, small artificial coverings directly above ones head, and our hair. Our skin above the skull obviously does not serve as a cover as everyone has skin above the skull and the law to cover ones hair would consequently be superfluous. To your proposal- being that the law does not specify bald people, we assume that it is referring to both men with and without hair-as the law does not refer to a minority or a non-total majority without first specifying so.

While I'm not sure about this part, I heard from a Rabbi that in ancient times when the Rabbinic court lacked the legal authority (The Bible does not allow them to) to prosecute a conspicuously known murderer such as someone who trains dogs to kill people (cannot legally prosecute if murder was indirect)- they so too would indirectly kill him by throwing him in this oval shaped ditch and feed him with barley and water that would slowly expand in his stomach (consequently killing him) if he eat any more than the bare minimum to survive. This process technically allowed for the possibility of survival. This ditch- was known as a "keepah".

This guy who killed people with dogs was pretty intelligent- he was so smart, simple logic told him he found a legal way to murder other human beings. The kippah therefor lyes directly above this logic, which rests in the head of man, as a reminder; pure logic has it's limits. "Things" do exist beyond your logic- that does'nt mean they're in anyway illogical. Women do not have to wear the kippah as they are less prone to this type of thinking.Source(s):http://www.lidsforyids.com/yarmulke_history.htm

It's been chilly and rainy in Chicago for days, supposed to be the same tomorrow. Hope the rest of you have better weather for the Fourth and the subsequent off-fucking. Ride safe, all, and thanks for all the typing, Snob!

Congrats 'muricah from freeing yourselves of the King George's oppression. Imagine what America would be like today if the British still ruled your shit: high quality, low cost education, universal health care and better health, no guns for the retarded, mandatory fish and chips, cheap beer, mass use of the word "cunt", the BBC, proper spelling of words, ...in short, awful.

Remember kids firing bottle rockets at you as you rode home down St. Nick in the afternoon? The pungent gunpowdery haze that hung over Avenue B all day? Man...

Cheap and easily available fireworks came in very handy other times during the year as well.

Like when those kids were drinking downstairs on your stoop all night. Or when that designer bitch dumped you as soon as her braces came off. But not before confiding to you that her old hound peed uncontrollably in the apartment whenever she heard a firecracker go off. Heh, heh...

Commie Canuck, isn't Canada still part of the British Empire anyway? Oh that's right, who gives a fuck, because it's Canada. You guys were passed around between Franch and England like a drunk girl at a frat party. Mexico laughs at you guys.

Warm beer, bad teeth, worse haircuts and wasting your life away fucking off in a pub.

Not to mention: the entire country seems to love the out-of-office reply." I shant be able to respond to the electronic mail as I and the missus are on Bank vacation in North Thruppenceshire from late April until early April".

Had some damn fine firecrackers for the 4th of July, but the NSA came and took them away. Why did I tell my B-I-L in California that in an em. Why oh why. The two Blues Brothers who took the 4th away said I had to appear before some secret court, wouldn't tell me where, they said I would be hooded and driven there. I said "how about a summons", they burst into laughter and said, "Here, in America, in 2013, good luck with that". They said they were going to take my dog in for questioning too. Once that would have seemed strange, but not in America in 2013. Dog seems non-pussed about it all, cool.Does Canada have their own NSA? Must have, Barry sez everyone spies on everyone else. Kind of like Spy-Versus-Spy in Mad Magazine.

Everyone is on fire today in the comments section, must be the holiday fever. RCT - love the old-timey pictures, but methinks they are actually early triathletes practicing the swimming section in those fetching onesies.

Of course one great difference between the UK and the US is that here it is illegal to have fireworks, because they are dangerous, but not guns. I somehow think that it is more rational to have this the other way around.I just checked back to last year's comments on this day to see if I had already made the same point, but the comments section was just filled with Bradley's cunts. Happy days. And you can find it yourselves, I can't be buggared to do the link.

British or not, we would have come to England's aid during WWII. And Canada was there too. We have that kind of relationship. Coming to France's aid (twice). I sometimes wonder about that except without France the U.S. would still be a British Colony. Anyway as a result France helped us stop being British and we, along with the Brits, Canadians, and others are responsible for the continued running of the Tour de France.

C.J. Hate to tell you this, but the Canadians asked for independence because the U.S. became independent and they asked nicely and Britain accepted because neither one wanted a repeat of the Revolutionary War, even though each side knew the Canadians were not capable of such a repeat, but the Canadians did stage rebellions in "Upper" and Lower" Canada(that's roughly Ontario and Quebec for those of you who didn't pay attention in history class) which made everyone a little nervous. And the Canadians didn't achieve complete independence because there were some in Canada who felt the U.S. might try to invade Canada again in which case Canada could not defend itself by itself and for the same reason Quebec only talks about independence but doesn't achieve it: sucking on the mother countries cash laden tit.

I should say, I only know so much about Canada, because I lived there and had to hear about:-guns-obesity-the war of 1812 EVERYGODDAMNDAY! eh?

I was an illegal immigrant up dere. I forget what the canucks call that, they have an equivalent word for wetback that refers to murican border jumpers... something about hippies and vietnam.. stupid head injuries...

I fucked a Canadian chick, and absorbed some of her powers through my penis, which is why I am so fuckin' polite.

I'd tell you how I got so good at bargaining, but I think you'd get mad.

Yes, I acknowledged that there were some skirmishes on the Canadian border, but the burning of the White House, the Battle of New Orleans and the Battle of Baltimore (about which Francis Scott Key wrote our National Anthem) had nothing whatsoever to do with Canada, your incorrect protestations to the contrary notwithstanding.

C.J. The Canadians brag about the war of 1812 because through it they can feel superior to their American cousins even though they didn't actually fight this war, the Brits did. You see Canadians are generally pacifistic, but proud none the less, and they struggle with American bravado. But despite all that, the U.S. and Canada share the longest undefended border in the world and have never been to war against each other. And that is something to be proud of. And to incorporate this into a bicycling blog, Americans and Canadians ride bicycles back and forth across the border on a daily basis even though border crossing bicycle infrastructure isn't always the best. But that is another story.

Snobby may be an American, and therefore inherently inferior to Canadians and other of us godless foreigners, but he has mastered the art of extracting a four day weekend from awkwardly positioned holidays.

....Many Americans may have forgotten the War of 1812, but its lasting legacy is arguably “The Star-Spangled Banner.” A lawyer in Baltimore, Francis Scott Key was also a gifted poet who penned “The Defense of Fort McHenry” after he witnessed the fort’s 24-hour bombardment from aboard a British troopship.....Canadian War of 1812 song

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Inflated may be an American, and in this manner intrinsically mediocre to Canadians and other of us pagan nonnatives, however he has beaten the craft of concentrating a four day weekend from gracelessly positioned occasions.

It was a British force that burned the White House, not a Canadian one.

Well, if you want to get accurate, the British did not have enough troops in Canada when a poorly organized group of thugs thought they could invade Canada. They relied heavily on the native tribes warriors -the actual Canadians. Our right-wing retard US butt-lickers like to re-write history that Canada "won" the war of 1812, but it was nothing but a bunch of little squirmishes with defeats on both sides, and nothing lost or gained, just a bunch of people dead , like most wars.

What a great city!Made the taxi driver at LGA roll his eyes when we said we wanted to go to Astoria.Went to Coney Island, had a Nathan's, saw Joey Chestnut set a new record, did Chinatown, sangria in Little Italy, dropped some cash in Union Square and headed for Pier 81 tonight for Katy Perry and Usher fireworks. Thank Lob for unlimited subway cards.Happy 4th.

Harper is trying to militarize Canada, sponsoring misinformation about 1812, re-naming the air force "Royal", wanting to spend untold billions on F35 jets, and talking about defending a huge chunk of lifeless ice from enemies or sasquatch or something fucked up. Wanker. He's at 30% approval and dropping like a stone.

Wait, you make light of god, yet worship a lobster? And Canadiac chicks are great!True story. I ran a hot dog stand in the Chi-ca-go in the 80's and a Canuck cutie gave me head in exchange for a Chicago dog. GOOD head. Like there's bad head, but just sayin'.

If I still drank I would do a shot when I hear attentive and schmoke a berwl when I hear impetus. I WILL BE 40 tomorrow. Everyone please drink for me. A lot. The black dog of depression has been humping my leg all week and rubbing his nut sack on the top of my foot and its getting real old.

Really? Do you really think that? Cause I know you guys get all patriotic about your remarkable contribution to world peace 'n all, but maybe you should do a little research and look at the facts for yourself.

Canadians were in there hard and fast and early on. We paid heavily for WWII, it's true.

Babs, your are such a charmer that I hesitate to unload on you, but you are suffering from the same Canada-centric thinking that has ChamoisJuice thinking that the northern border skirmishes defined the war of 1812.

I certainly do not mean to impugn Canada's contribution to the allied war effort, but the plain fact is that the Canadians had about a million troops in WW II, whereas the Americans had about 16 million.

What a great city part deux:Great fireworks, walked 42nd street back to subway with one million friends.Today was the Tenement Museum, Moving Image Museum in Queens, Greenwich Village and back to Astoria for dinner at Vestas.Question: what is it with this town and straws? I don't need a straw with my water or soft drink.

Ah fuck. I don't know anything about the war, really, I wasn't there. I was educated in a Catholic school and Canadian university, and it is more than possible that the version of history we were given was a spin on the truth. Both church and government here have a tendency to do that.

LOLZ in the AM here in I-duh-ho: Wifey #1 used the technical term "cunt hair" to describe just how close it looked like that guy on the bike came to running into the guardrail whilst hungoverly watching that race in Yurp. You gotta love a woman that says "cunt hair" - but not in reference to needing to shave her bush nor scranus...

The Big question is whether or not Gatis Smukulis will bust into the Top 100 in the Tour. Or will his domestique duties for Dani and Joaquim take precedence? I will ponder this, and my post-McFly-Birthday Rum Hangover on the slow-slow-slow pedaling commute to work today.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!