Wynonna Earp recap 2.08: “No Future in the Past” or WTF JUST HAPPENED and please put “Tacos are Tasty” on a T-shirt

I can’t even with this show, you guys. I think after watching an episode of this season that that’s it; it can’t get any freaking crazier and THEN IT DOES. Omg, Andras! You and the writers of this show are phenomenal!

So let’s get to this because srsly, y’all. This is a game-changer episode too, in different ways than the pregnancy plotline.

AND, AS ALWAYS, MASSIVE UNADULTERATED SPOILERS AHEAD! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE!

All right. Things to ponder as a result of this episode:

1. What might happen to Doc now that Constance Clootie is no longer with us? Is he mortal again? His cough seemed to be returning in 2.07, but we didn’t get contemporary Doc as much in this episode, so that may come up in later episodes. 2. Waverly is not an Earp by blood/genetics. I think it’s pretty safe to say that, given what happened in this episode. 3. Big fight between WayHaught. It’s serious. Nicole kept the results of Waverly’s DNA test to herself and then Waverly found out. So…we’ll see how that pans out. I dunno. I’m worried about WayHaught. 4. BOBO IS BACK. We got a bunch about his backstory, but we also see the beginnings of his relationship as a guardian of sorts — MAYBE DAD???? — to Waverly, when she was a little girl. How does that play into Waves’ history? And Willa’s, for that matter? Because Waves tells us a story about how cruel Willa was to her. Is Bobo Waves’ father? Remember that misogynist douchebro Jonas told Wynonna that there were rumors of a Revenant hooking up with a human in the past. Might it have been Bobo and Waves’/Waverly’s mom? 5. Did Wynonna’s death (for, like, 77 seconds) affect the role of the heir in Revenant-killing? This is another weird thing to think about. 6. We’re still not sure whether or not Jonas is Wynonna’s baby-daddy. It could’ve been him. I’m still hoping Doc is, but that’s still up in the air. 7. And now that Juan Carlo is out of the picture, what does that mean for Purgatory? Juan Carlo was kind of a watchdog.

Damn. All right. Here we go.

The episode opens with a camera view of a frozen pond and we hear Waverly telling a story about how Willa threw Waves’ stuffed toy onto the ice, knowing it was thin and that Waverly would run out and get it. She did, and she fell through and at the time, Waverly said, she knew Willa wouldn’t pull her out of the water. We see Wy and Waves walking along the shore of the pond and Waves is talking about how shitty things were for her growing up — ostensibly because Waverly isn’t an Earp (remember last episode Waves told Wy). Nobody celebrated her birthday and nobody paid attention to her school photos or report cards and Wy said that their mom used to call her “her angel” (THAT’S IMPORTANT FOR LATER THIS EPISODE, YOU GUYS) and Waves then reminds Wy that their mom left and Daddy wouldn’t even look at her. Shit, guys. Already I have feelz. Wy says she doesn’t realize how hard it was for her, but it doesn’t mean she’s not an Earp.

Little Waves goes to rescue her rabbit. Because Willa was a dick.

A black SUV pulls up and Waves changes tack, saying that they have to go to Wy’s doc appointment (as opposed to Doc appointment…lol). Wy asks her who pulled her out of the pond and Waves says, “you,” but it’s clear that Wy doesn’t remember doing that.

The next scene brings us to Juan Carlo helping a stranded motorist. Uh-oh. The motorist is Mercedes (or, rather, the widow in the Mercedes suit). JC recognizes her immediately — or rather, her essence. And he says that HE was the one who put her and her sister in a box! It was JC who did it back in the day! Mercedes is all, “where is the last seal” and he says he’ll die before he tells her and she says, “oh, Padre. You’ll do both.” So we know that JC was a priest (IS a priest?) back in the day. And then the widow in the Beth suit appears behind him and her mouth stretches really wide and she chomps on his back (like, in about the same spot Doc got marked last episode…prolly a coincidence, but anyway).

My, what a big mouth Beth-suit has…

Whew. Lordie. Now we jet on over to Shorty’s where Doc is at the bar and Rosita comes down the steps. She would like a little afternoon delight, but Doc says though he’s tempted, he has an errand he has to attend to. Rosita seems to get a little weird and possessive for a minnit (I’m still not sure what to make of her). Doc tries to get Rosita to spend time with the Earp sisters, because Wynonna is in his life. He would like it if there wasn’t weirdness between his lover (Rosita) and “baby-mama” — “alleged,” Rosita says. It’s clear she has some jealousy issues. Doc says, “I was gonna say friend.” And then he says that Wy is fun and that everybody loves Waverly and he then implies that if he’s not there to protect her, that the Earp sisters will. Rosita gets all cranky and says that if she’s so important to him, why won’t he tell her where he’s going and that’s when he tells her he’s off to the Salt Flats and gives her a kiss. Rosita looks…troubled. (STILL NOT TRUSTING HER…dammit, Andras. You’ve made me not trust anyone! I’m like all X-Files up in here!)

Next scene opener had me laughing my ass off. Wy at the gyno. And isn’t this how we all feel about that when we have to go?

Let’s just get this over with…lol

The doc isn’t sure what to make of Wy (lol who is) and she asks if Wy is getting enough sleep and taking her vitamins and Wy, being Wy, says that yes, she’s washing them down each morning with a rum and Coke. At the doc’s expression, she adds, minus the rum. And Coke. The doc chides her for treating it like a joke. Wynonna is totes nervous during the appointment. Melanie Scrofano is SO GOOD with all the nuances of Wy’s character! Anyway, she asks again about DNA testing because a “friend” thinks she may be adopted and the doc asks if it’s something she might be interested in, “adoption,” as she’s ultrasounding Wy’s big ol’ preggers self. The doc reminds her that she has options. Then the doc tries to show Wy the ultrasound (we get to see it and it’s totally the fastest ultrasound in history) but Wy FREAKS. I’m guessing it’s cuz she doesn’t want to think that it might not be human. She jumps off the table and wipes the ultrasound goo off. The doc says she needs to see; she’s deciding for two. Which only freaks Wy out more. The doc asks if she wants to know the sex and Wy is all, “see you next week” and bails, though she grabs a bunch of pamphlets as she goes.

Dolls is in the waiting room (omg he’s such a dad-type! This child is going to have so many dads!) and Wy brushes past him without saying anything. The doc then hands him a manila envelope and tells him, “in case she changes her mind. It’s confidential.” He takes it, says, “awesome” and heads after Wy because he knows she’s upset. NOTE: I say we keep an eye on that envelope for later. Dolls races out into the parking lot but Wy’s gotten into a big black pickup, you guys! WTF! I think I heard her yell, “Dolls!” and he’s losing his shit. He finds a pile of pamphlets in the snow — the ones Wy grabbed in the doc’s office, and there’s blood on them!

Dolls rushes over to Nedley Central where he wants Nedley to put a trace on the pickup. Nedley was napping and Dolls is beside himself. “That’s enough with the shoutin’,” Nedley says. “This ain’t no Ed Sheeran concert.” OMG LAUGHING. The plate doesn’t come back with anything so Nedley asks for more details about the truck. Dolls supplies make, model, color, and music: “redneck screeching” and Nedley says, “that would be Willie Nelson so watch your mouth. Rig belongs to Juan Carlo.” I kinda love Nedley. So Dolls is all, “why would he kidnap Wynonna” and Nedley is all, “highly doubt it. He’s more good Samaritan than dipshit” and then Nedley reveals that JC is head of the volunteer fire brigade and keeps those “young bucks” in order. So Dolls knows where he needs to go next to find Juan Carlo.

Back at Shorty’s, Waves and Nicole are playing pool. And you guys, can we take a moment to admire Nicole’s homage to the 80s with her ‘do and jacket? Or perhaps it’s an homage to the Pink Ladies from Grease. Either way…

Throwback Nicole

Nicole is trying to get Waves’ mind off her worries about possibly not being an Earp. She says that Wy remembers Waves coming home from the hospital, so who are you going to trust? Her or a sociopathic Revenant in a fuzzy coat (i.e. Bobo)? Waves admits she sent in a sample for DNA testing and that the results will be going to the cop-shop because she didn’t want them showing up at the Earpstead. Nicole claims she hasn’t seen anything but omg, you guys. Pretty sure she’s not being truthful. And that SUCKS because last episode, remember, she told Wy she “can’t lie to Waverly.” Oh, no. I foresee WayHaught trouble ahead…

Anyway, Waves pulls Nicole in and tells her to “distract” her but the moment is interrupted when Rosita comes in and says she was looking for them and she has an idea. They should throw Wynonna a baby shower because Henry says (she calls Doc “Henry”!) Wy is having a hard time seeing the baby as a blessing. Rosita says she’ll mix up some mocktails and get a piñata. Nicole says this is a good idea and wants to know what the cover will be to get Wy to Shorty’s and Waves immediately says, “nachos. She’d never say no to nachos.”

That needs to be on a T-shirt. Perhaps our friends at fangirlshirts.com will oblige. 🙂

Cut back to Nedley Central where Dolls has Ewan the fire guy/nacho man (remember, he’s a fan of nachos, too!) in an interrogation room. He demands to know where Juan Carlo is because JC has taken Wynonna and Ewan says JC can’t force people to do things and besides, Wynonna would never go anywhere without a fight.

So Dolls is putting the pressure on Ewan. “This is bad,” he says. And Ewan then points out that Wynonna is actually calling Dolls right then on the phone and he points to Dolls’ phone. Dolls answers and we see Wy on the other end of the call being all, “whazzup?” She’s outside somewhere and she says she punched JC before he explained himself. The pre-natal vitamins, she says, are making her feel like a mountain lion. Dolls of course wants to know if she’s okay and what’s happening and what is going on with Juan Carlo. He asks where they are and Wy says, “um…we’re at a crossroads…? We’ve reached a communion?” trying to cue Dolls in that they’re at a church.

JC grabs the phone from her, but not in any mean way. She eye-rolls.

Back in the interrogation room, Dolls realizes they’re at a church and where would that be? Ewan is trying to be all Switzerland and not get involved because it’s not their fight, this whole seal thingie and Dolls points out that Ewan and his men are going to have to get in the game, “because neutral men are the devil’s allies. And brother…the devil’s coming.”

Back at the church, Juan Carlo still has Wynonna’s phone. A text comes through and he says, kind of chuckling, “Waverly wants you to join her at Shorty’s for nachos.” Wy is all, “oh, sounds good.” And she points Peacemaker at JC’s head. He kinda eyerolls and points out he’s not a bad guy and that she got into his truck after she decked him. She points out that he said he had answers about “the venomous vixens” (omg lol) and JC says he does, but it’s his curse that he can’t show or do anything unless it’s by the choice of the other person. Wy of course is skeptical. JC tells her to go into the church with Peacemaker and “this” — this being Wyatt’s badge and a piece of paper. She has to place them in the center in the mark he put on the floor and read the words on the paper before sunset. Or not, he adds, because Wy has to choose to do it. Wy wants to know if she’ll be back before nacho night and JC says something pretty cryptic: “The Earp sisters will be reunited before sundown.”

BUT WHICH SISTERS OMG????

So this ritual will show Wynonna how to stop the widows before they find the third seal? Wy asks.

“Oh, Ms. Earp,” JC says, “it’ll show you a shitload.”

That, too, should be on a shirt.

Wy goes into the church and puts Peacemaker and the badge in the mark and reads the words.

There’s a weird little breeze and then Wy looks around because it seems nothing has changed at all. She’s all, “thanks for nothin’, JC,” and points at the Christ statue and says. “Not you. The other one.” OMG LAUGHING AGAIN

But then she opens the door to the church and somehow she’s walking into Shorty’s where Doc is leaning against the bar and she’s talking to him but he totally ignores her and walks away and then the camera pans around and Shorty’s shifts to become a 19th-century saloon, you guys! She runs outside and determines that yes, this isn’t a “where.” It’s a “when.”

WYNONNA IS IN A WEIRD VISION QUEST TIME-JUMP!

HOLY PIONEER BALLS

Back in the saloon, she realizes that nobody can see her, but she can see and hear what they’re up to. And then. Then, you guys…guess who comes in? Robert Svane! THE GUY WE KNOW AS BOBO!!!!! He’s wearing glasses and he’s all totally meek! He tells Doc that Wyatt sent him a letter and after Doc (who is a total dick in the 19th century) lambasts him and pushes him around, Robert tells him (while everybody else is frozen…weird) that Wyatt got a letter from the padre in Purgatory and that the sheriff there is horrible and Wyatt requests that Doc ride with him to take care of it. But Doc says that Purgatory is a lost cause. Robert says that “good innocent people are dying” and Doc blows him off and has a coughing fit. He wipes his mouth on a bloody handkerchief (this is sick Doc — maybe that’s also why he’s a dick) then tells Robert to go to hell. FORESHADOWING, Y’ALL. Robert says, “For Wyatt I would. Used to be you would, too. Good day, sir.” Bobo was devoted to Wyatt. OMG

Doc (as a dick) and Robert (before he was Bobo and still loyal to Wyatt)

And Wynonna is staring. She can’t believe this. Hell, I can’t believe it.

Robert leaves and Doc stalks back toward his card game when gunshots sound outside and Wynonna freaks because she doesn’t have Peacemaker. She then remembers she’s not really here and wonders if you die in your dream, do you die in real life? KEEP THAT IN MIND, TOO, FRIENDS. Also, keep in mind that this is a vision quest, so the things we see and hear are taking place elsewhere but Wynonna sees and hears them and they’re basically performed for her.

“Make a damn choice,” she tells herself and she goes outside and a riderless horse runs past and she chants, “Tacos are tasty, tacos are tasty” and I bust out laughing even though she’s so scared because remember, that was Waverly’s “HELP ME COME AND SAVE ME” phrase in 2.04, I think it was.

Please, Fangirl Shirts, put “tacos are tasty” on a T-shirt. I would buy the shit out of that. kthx

On the ground is a newspaper. Wynonna picks it up even as there’s a convo off to the side. A guy asks, “you’re certain it was Wyatt Earp? THE Wyatt Earp?” And a woman says, “Dead certain. He shot Sheriff Clootie through the heart and then he threatened something and it sounded awful.” (I think this means that Clootie threatened Earp)

OMG YOU GUYS! CLOOTIE! SHERIFF CLOOTIE! THIS HAS TO BE CONSTANCE-STONE WITCH-CLOOTIE’S HUSBAND!!!!! And he was the douchebag sheriff of Purgatory! And Clootie may be the one responsible for the Earp curse!!!!!

SO MANY THINGS BEING REVEALED!

And then the convo between the woman and the man goes on and WTF IS THIS POLYGAMOUS SITUATION because the woman says, “Clootie’s three wives are kickin’ up a fuss over the demon’s body…” THREE WIVES????? O.M.G.

I guess the question remains as to whether they were all wives at the same time or…?

The guy the woman is talking to says they (the wives) are the padre’s problem now and if he doesn’t drink himself to death they’ll probably eat him alive. Keep that in mind. FORESHADOWING. Wynonna realizes this is where it all began and she then sees blood in the snow and she follows it back to the church. Inside, it looks like shit went down. And there’s Robert, slumped in one of the pews, bleeding. He’s been shot in the heart, but then his eyes snap open.

Okay, before we go on, I want to point out again that this is a vision quest happening. So Wynonna is seeing events unfold in the church even though these events did not happen in the church. The church is basically the window providing access to events of the past. It’s like all the people involved here are putting on a play in the church that only Wynonna can watch. Clever technique, Andras, so Wynonna doesn’t have to scene jump all over the place.

Note the performers in this here theatrical rendition of Wyonnna’s vision quest.

Anyway, Robert’s eyes snap open and all of a sudden, we see that Constance is entrapping the widows, who appear to be genuinely grieving Clootie. They want to know where Sheriff Clootie is. Robert says he’s dead and they’ll never find him. Constance says he’s as good as dead. He’s buried in the earth. “He loved me best because of my magic,” Constance says. “And now my magic will doom the bastard.” One of the widows says, “Traitor” to her and Constance snaps back, “bitch.” Then Juan Carlo appears in priest garb and punches one of the widows.

LORDIE LORDIE LORDIE

We fling back to Shorty’s in modern times where Nicole is wondering if Wynonna texted back for the nacho party. They’re decorating for the baby shower. Rosita comes in carrying — you guys, I can’t. She’s carrying a baby-shaped piñata. Waves is sort of horrified. “We’re going to bash that?” And Rosita says, “this is a baby bash.” OMG Okay, that was kind of funny. Rosita says she filled it with donuts and Waves says, “I stand corrected.”

Baby piñata. And that is totally going to be my new hip-hop name.

Rosita goes off to get the mocktail list while Nicole and Waves chat. Waves is wondering what’s up with Rosita who’s being nice to her all of a sudden and Nicole points out, as she’s hanging the piñata, that the Earps are a tough party to crash and Waves says, “I’m the nicest person in Purgatory. There was a vote. I got a sash.” BA HAHAHAHA omg I have no doubt. Rosita reappears with drinkies that she’s calling “pregatinis.” OMG I can’t…

Then she promptly adds a bunch of alcohol since Wy’s not there yet. She’s “cocking up the mocktails.” I CAN’T OMG THIS DIALOGUE LOLOLOL

Back at the church in modern, non-vision quest times, Dolls pulls up. Juan Carlo is standing outside the church waiting for him, basically. Dolls gets out of the SUV, gun drawn when all of a sudden he has no gun and Juan Carlo is holding it out to him. Whoa. Just…whoa. Dolls wants to know what JC did with Wynonna. “She’s a willing participant,” JC points out. And he reminds Dolls that it was him who brought Dolls back half-dead to Purgatory. He tells Dolls that Wynonna and the baby are fine, that Wynonna is lying on the floor in the chapel but if Dolls wakes her from the vision quest before the journey is completed, it could break her mind or kill her. Dolls is all, this would be more believable if you didn’t reek of amaretto. Oh, man.

JC tells Dolls that Wy needs to see the past if we have any hope for a future. I love how protective Dolls is over Wy. He clearly loves her SO MUCH. JC hands Dolls his gun and Dolls goes into the church, leaving JC standing outside and he rubs his arm because he’s clearly in pain from what Widow Beth-suit did to him earlier.

Inside the church, Dolls finds Wynonna lying on the floor. He checks on her. YOU GUYS I SWEAR DOLLS LOVES HER SO MUCH.

He totes loves her. TOTES.

He whispers to her, “Hey, don’t do anything stupid, okay? I’m here.” And Wy smiles in her dream-state! OMG THE FEELZ THE FREAKING FEELZ!!!!

And we’re back in the church with Wynonna in the 19th century. Robert taps on the big wooden box where the widows (minus Constance) are trapped. We find out about Constance’s “demon sons” — remember? The people Bobo was putting back together in S1? “He will rise,” says one of the widows from the box in her creepy demon voice and I’m thinking she means Sheriff Clootie. Wyatt Earp killed her boys, Constance says, and he will pay for it. Robert immediately draws his gun on her but JC stops him. Constance kind of blows him off and says that if Clootie ever gets free, it’ll be her running for her life and that they need more than earth to hold him. She hands a vial of iron and silver to Robert and tells him to pour them over the talismans. Then she holds up a wedding ring and tells him to add blood fresh from the vein and to repeat the words she told him.

YOU GUYS. The wedding ring! I’m pretty sure it’s the ring Doc is wearing in modern times!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! Let us wait and see…

And indeed, Constance says, “hide your seal in a holy site and it will keep him locked away.” Wynonna immediately clues in that these are the seals that the widows are seeking. Robert, Constance, and JC agree not to tell each other where each of them put one seal so that they can’t turn traitor on each other. Constance leaves and JC helps Robert up and they start to leave, too, and Wy is sitting there in the church with the box o’ widows.

And yes, I’m, like, 13 because I’m thinking of widow box jokes right now. But Wy pronounces, “when in doubt, follow the blonde.” So she jumps up and goes after them. I would like to say that this advice NEVER worked for me. Just an aside.

The church door opens but we’ve changed scenes and we’re back in modern times. Dolls is exiting the church and JC is rubbing his sore arm. Dolls wants to know how long she’ll be doing this and JC says, “Time is not my strong suit” and I think he knows his death is imminent. Dolls is pissed and wants to know why JC didn’t sit down with them and talk about all this. JC says he’s not allowed to interfere. And he points out that the alleged almond-ish amaretto smell that Dolls mentioned earlier is not liquor, but gangrene and he pulls up his sleeve and omg you guys! JC is not long for this world.

This is probably beyond medical science.

Dolls says they can get him to a hospital and JC says it’s too late, “she’s here. She’s looking for the third seal.”

And sure enough, here comes one of the widows…I think I’d pee myself if I saw this gliding toward me…

This is so much worse than the Blair Witch Project

JC says he doesn’t know where the third seal is, because remember the deal he made with Robert/Bobo and Constance back in the day. Dolls is gonna go open a can on the widows.

“Whatever happens to me,” JC says to Dolls, “Don’t let her get to Wynonna.” From the look on Dolls’ face, I’d say that is totally the plan. And so the throwdown in the woods begins between Dolls and the ladies in black.

FLING back to the church interior in 19th-century times. Wynonna is there with Robert, who is sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He’s reading something and he says, “Wyatt Earp.” His hands are full of blood — presumably his own — and he asks an angel to help him. Constance is there, though. And she laughs at him. He asks why she’s there, that this is a place of God. She says, “I am made whole in the house of my enemies.” Huh. Let’s keep an eye on that, too.

Constance asks how Robert got shot and he says that it was Sheriff Clootie. And she says he didn’t need a gun and Robert says Clootie used him as a shield. HOLY SHIT, you guys! Wyatt shot Robert! Robert said that Clootie was going to get away, so he told Wyatt to take the shot, but the bullet went through Robert into Clootie. But because Peacemaker shot Robert, that’s why Robert rises as Revenant Bobo, because he’s part of the curse, too!!!!!

OMG THESE REVEALS, YOU GUYS!

Constance says that Robert is a dear friend to Wyatt, but Robert hands her the paper he was reading. “Not dear enough,” he says. And the letter says that Wyatt has gone looking for Doc. She tries to do some manipulation. Wyatt loves John Henry, she says, “but to choose Doc over you?” And Robert says, “Doc saved Wyatt’s life. I just got in the way.”

omg. Feelz. I’m having feelz for Bobo…

Constance tells him he gave up his soul for Wyatt and Wynonna mutters, “this isn’t fair, don’t tell him” but Constance points out the curse that Clootie put on Wyatt, and that those killed by Peacemaker were destined for hell, and they were destined to hound each and every Earp heir forever.

Constance and Robert (pre-Bobo).

Robert doesn’t believe her and says she’s lying and Wynonna whispers, “she’s not” and the look on Wy’s face as she realizes that Bobo was just a victim in this whole thing…It’s tearing at my heart, you guys. I can’t…

“You’re gonna be a demon, Robert,” Constance says. “I am a good man,” Robert insists. “Hell burns that right out of you,” she responds.

You guys, this scene made me cry. I’ve always liked Bobo and how Michael Eklund portrays him (except for trashing Shorty’s and being a dick with the poison in S1). I’ve always thought there was something else going on there with him. This episode…wow! WOW!

Robert asks Constance to help him. She says to bring her the bones of her dead sons. He says no and Wynonna nods and whispers, “good, Bobo.” Constance blows him off and tells him that no matter what people say, “it’s a dry heat.” Meaning hell. Or Arizona, maybe. Whichever. And Robert tells Constance to wait and Wynonna shakes her head. “So close,” she whispers and we know that he will agree to Constance’s conditions.

Suddenly, we’re back in the woods with Dolls and the widows. Things do not go well. He trips, falls on his back, and they venom-freeze him.

OH, NOEZ!!!!!!

One says she’s hungry. The other says that they trapped the prey, and now they feast. We wonder if it’s Dolls but we cut to JC lying on the steps of the church. I’m guessing he’s lunch.

Cut to Shorty’s and the baby bash prep. Which at this point involves Rosita, Nicole, and Waves drinking shots. I think they’re playing “reveal things while drinking shots.” Waves is a little tipsy. Rosita says they should play pregnant Pictionary (OMG) and that nobody’s as good as she is at drawing a placenta. I CAN’T…omg…so she says she’ll be right back and Waves says she’ll get a pen and she picks up a purse and starts digging through it but realizes it’s Nicole’s purse…and can we just take a moment to realize that NICOLE CARRIES A PURSE WHAT IS THIS MADNESS I DON’T THINK WE’VE EVER SEEN HER PURSE BEFORE THIS MOMENT. Anyway, Waves realizes it’s Nicole’s purse and YOU GUYS NICOLE HAS THE ENVELOPE WITH WAVES’ DNA TEST RESULTS IN HER PURSE AND YOU GUYS IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE SHE OPENED IT OMG SHE OPENED IT AND SHE FREAKING LIED TO WAVES ABOUT NOT SEEING THE ENVELOPE.

This is serious shit, y’all. Nicole said she couldn’t lie to Waves. She said it before she was drunk Nicole last episode and she totally lied about this. This is bad for WayHaught. Very bad.

Waves wants to know why she opened it and why she wouldn’t tell her. And Nicole immediately says, “Because I love you.”

Um. This is a really bad time to say that for the first time on screen, Nicole. You need to consult the lesbian trope manual immediately.

And I’m pretty sure it’s also in the heterosexual trope manual, as well (*cough* Supergirl and Mon-el *cough*).

Anyway, Nicole says she was trying to protect Waves but Waves is understandably really super upset. “Or trying to control me,” she says, voice shaking and I am so shook myself right now. I am tearing up again watching this. “I’m not a child, Nicole,” Waverly says. “And from the look on your face, I’m not an Earp either.”

OMG. I…paces around the room…pours another shot of whiskey…slams it…paces…rewinds to watch again…rinse…repeat…

omg…

Waves gets her coat. Nicole implores her to wait. “Don’t follow me,” Waverly says and she’s gone. Nicole is about to cry. Rosita appears. “Who doesn’t like Pictionary?” she says, trying but failing stupendously to lighten the mood.

Lordie. I can’t. OMG. This is a turning point in the WayHaught relationship, friends. Nicole lied. Her motivations are irrelevant. She lied. And that’s something that is really hard to come back from. I have a bad feeling. I hope they can work through it, but shit, I don’t know…

Cut back to the modern-day chapel where Wynonna is still passed out on the floor and then we vision-quest jump to outside with Robert and Constance and there’s a well nearby. Oh, shit. We know what well that is. It’s Doc’s well.

Robert looks down and there’s Doc, at the bottom of this really horrible well. Robert is horrified and wants to know what Constance did. She says she wanted vengeance on Wyatt for what he did to her boys (he killed them), so she put his best friend in the well for all eternity. She tells Robert that Doc is wearing a ring, and this ring will heal and stave off death interminably. It’s also her seal, she says. So she hands him a spool of thread and tells him to get the ring if he wants to be healed and immortal and not subject to demon-hood. She points out, too, that it means Doc and Wyatt will be reunited but Doc will die, playing on Robert’s insecurity about Wyatt and Doc’s relationship. Because the thing is, once Doc takes that ring off, he’s mortal and he’ll die in the well of his TB.

Robert tells Doc that he has thread, and he wants him to put his ring on the thread and once he has the ring, he’ll throw Doc a rope. Robert gives him his word. Uh-oh. Doc hesitates. Robert says, “you would rather stay in the dark than give up your immortality? That is the devil’s work.” Doc shouts back, “then throw down the rope or go to hell.” And Robert says, “I believe I will.” And he drops his end of the thread. Oh, my GAWD. He just totally sold out. TOTALLY. Robert backs up, holding his chest. Constance tells him to retrieve the bones of her sons. He says, “you don’t get it,” that she has nothing he wants. She says she’ll find SOMETHING. But what that is we wonder…

Keep that in mind, friends. I think that’s important.

Wynonna then hears screaming, but what’s weird is, it’s not in the 19th century. It’s coming through the vision quest channel and it’s JC getting eaten up by the widows in a pretty classic zombie-ish scene.

Oh, man. That’s so horrible. Poor JC. We cut over to Dolls waking up in the woods with the frozen venom crap on his face. And omg, you guys. images of Wynonna flash through his mind and THAT’S what gives him the strength to get up off that frozen ground! BECAUSE HE SO LOVES HER! OMG! And SHIT Dolls starts to dragon-ize in the woods! His eyes go all dragon-ish! Dolls goes back to the church in his dragon-eye mode, gun drawn and the widows see him and they’re all, “IMPOSSIBLE!” HA! Dolls is an unknown force to be reckoned with, people! The widows disappear, leaving Dolls with JC, whose insides are no longer inside. “Dolls,” JC says and Dolls nods and shoots him in the head.

Oh, my GAWD. I kind of liked JC. HOLY CRAP. Dolls goes into the church and starts piling furniture in front of the door. He’s going to protect Wynonna, dammit, while she’s finishing her vision quest. And then suddenly the venom seems to start working again once his dragon self wears off and he collapses next to her and tells her that now would be a good time to wake up but the venom is burning him and his face starts venom-freezing again and he passes out.

Back outside, the widows try to open the door but realize that Dolls has claimed sanctuary, so they can’t mess with him while he’s inside. But one says, “Get the torch” so we totally know what’s going to happen. And sure enough, they set the church on fire. And it’s past sunset, y’all, and getting dark…uh-oh…

Cut back to the church in the 19th century. Robert is lying on the floor and he wakes up and starts reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Wynonna steps over him and he looks at her and talks to her and she wants to know how he can see her. He says maybe because he’s dying.

And THEN! You guys, notice something here. Robert and Wynonna have a weird bond in this scene. Wynonna takes on Robert’s symptoms of dying. She starts coughing and getting weaker even as he seems to be getting stronger. I’m not entirely sure how this works, or why it was him and Wynonna, or even why she would take on his symptoms in her own vision quest, but that appears to be what happens. Anyway, Wynonna coughs and in the distance, she hears Dolls shouting, “Wake up!” And she looks around, but can’t figure it out. Robert reaches out to her, saying he’s a good man and he deserves to be saved and she kicks his hand away and tells him he left Doc in the well.

Robert says Doc was guarding something precious and needed to stay safe. Wynonna says that he was jealous of Doc’s relationship with Wyatt. And she’s coughing and having a hard time breathing. OH, shit. Robert says she’s right. It was a moment of weakness, but she’s here with him now, and he calls her “my angel” and says that she’s here to save his soul.

Notice, you guys, how Robert refers to Wynonna as “my angel” and earlier, Wy pointed out to Waves that their mom called Waves that…? MMM HMMMM….

Wy tells him that if he’d rescued Doc, everything might’ve been different and she calls him Bobo. He asks why she’s calling him that when his name is Robert and she says that will be his name when he’s resurrected from hell as a demon and she’s coughing more and her breathing is even more labored GODDAMMIT ANDRAS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE IN YOUR DREAMS WTF and Wynonna sees Peacemaker on the floor and she reaches over and picks it up and points it at Robert and sure enough, it lights up. He says he recognizes the gun and she says it’s the one that killed him and he asks, “what do I do?” and she says, “Try to remember who you were,” and how much he loved Wyatt.

I am crying during this scene. TEARS. FEELZ.

Wynonna coughs even more and she’s really not able to breathe and Robert is all, “no, no,” and he moves over to her and takes her into his arms and he says no, don’t die…you’re dying because of me…no…and he’s holding her and

FEELZ I AM CRYING

She says, “trust me. We’ll meet again.” He says, “You’re an angel. We’re going to be on different sides” and Wy says, “I need to wake up.” YES. YES YOU DO. Robert tells her he’ll never hurt her. He PROMISES. HE SWEARS he will never hurt her. And then he says, “what’s my angel’s name?”

I am practically sobbing right now because Wynonna says, “Waverly.” She protected Waverly first. SHE PROTECTED WAVERLY FIRST. SHE FUCKING PROTECTED WAVERLY FIRST.

*sobbing and trying to drink a shot and sobbing and crying and feelz everywhere* she protected Waverly first omg I can’t *trying to pour whiskey not working where the fuck is my box of donuts shit I need tissues*

Robert repeats “Waverly” and he says he will remember.

*grabs yet another tissue*

And Wynonna’s last words are, “please, wake me up…”

*sobbing*

Robert sets her down and he runs to where the rope for the church bell is and he starts ringing it, trying to summon help…

Cut back to modern times and the church is completely ablaze and there’s Dolls outside with Wynonna on the ground and he’s begging her to come back and he’s sobbing and holy shit I’m trying to drink again and grab a tissue and I’m sobbing with him and there’s an EMT trying to help and I’m still crying and I can’t even see the damn screen wtf Andras I hate you so much right now

and THEN! THEN! Wynonna coughs and comes to and I’m screaming and jumping around and so relieved. Damn you, Andras.

And Dolls is saying “Yes yes yes” and he kisses her on the cheek and omg I can’t…

FEEEEEEELZ

He asks the fireman/EMT guy how they found them and the guy says, “smart move, ringing the bell” and Dolls is all, “that wasn’t me…” And Wynonna says, “it was Robert.” HOLY SHIT THE VISION QUEST BLED INTO REAL LIFE.

The next scene is that frozen pond again where Waverly fell through and it’s already almost totally dark but we can still see Waverly and she’s standing on the bank of the pond with the DNA test (and dammit, we can’t make out what it says) and Waverly turns toward the camera and she remembers. She remembers what happened that day Willa tried to kill her, basically. We hear Bobo saying, “I’m here. I’ve got you, Waverly. Angel.” And he’s holding her and carrying her and she’s all drenched and she says, in her child voice, “Bobo.” NOTE added after a comment by a reader that she said “Papa”: I’m hearing “Bobo,” but it could be “Papa.” I keep rewinding this and listening and yeah, it could be “Papa.” So I guess Waves’ DNA question is answered. But I’m wondering if the DNA came back to Robert Svane, which is problematic because Robert Svane is a 19th-century guy and most likely would not be in any databases.

We shall see…

May or may not answer the “Who’s yer daddy” question

I AM CRYING

And we cut back to Waves, who is also crying. I’m glad I’m not alone in this.

Next scene we’re at the Earpstead and Wynonna and Dolls are lying in bed together. It’s okay, you guys. They’re clothed. In, like, jammie-clothes, but it’s still clothes.

Wy tells him that the third seal is Doc’s ring, which is actually Constance Clootie’s wedding ring. She then says that she now knows what’ll happen if the widows break it. Sheriff Clootie, the demon who started this whole cray, will rise. Dolls is comforting her. OMG. And she says she’s fine and he tells her “good,” because, he says, she kinda died. She wasn’t breathing and she didn’t have a pulse for 77 seconds.

NOTE. You guys, I listened to this several times, and I’m pretty sure Dolls said “seventy-seven seconds.” Not seven, as circulated on social media. Over a minute. Let me know your thoughts on that.

Anyway, she’s pondering that and then she says she saw Robert — Bobo — and says he was a man made whole in the house of my enemies, quoting Constance. See? Told you guys that was important. Dolls and Wy talk about that quote and then Dolls says that we all become enemies if we live long enough and Wy says no, “not you and me.” Never.

They’re snuggling and then Wy sits up because it dawns on her that the Earp heir was DEAD. And she tries to kind of blow it off, since it was only a few seconds, and she laughs nervously. But then we cut back to the woods and guess who rises from the earth…

He’s baaaa-aaaa-ck

Okay, so let me sum this up for you. This is how the Earp curse works:

Sheriff Clootie of Purgatory cursed the Earps back in the day when Wyatt chased him down and shot him through the heart. Unfortunately, Bobo (he was Robert Svane back in the day) got caught in the crossfire, literally, and was also shot through the heart. This happened because Robert was loyal to Earp and he was trying to stop Clootie from getting away but Clootie grabbed him and used him as a human shield and Robert told Earp to go ahead and take the shot, thus sacrificing himself for Wyatt and the good of all and also ending up as part of the curse.

Clootie’s curse was basically that anyone Wyatt shot with Peacemaker was doomed to hell and then they would rise as Revenants for each Earp heir to put down. Clootie ended up being buried somewhere. Or trapped. Not sure which. But if the third seal is broken, he rises.

Clootie was married to the widows. I don’t know how this works. Either they were all poly or it was in succession…I don’t know. But he was also married to Constance the Stone Witch and again, I don’t know how this works.

Anyway, it was Constance who imprisoned the widows with the help of Juan Carlo and Robert. The third seal, it turns out, is Constance’s wedding ring, which she put onto Doc. Her ring grants healing and immortality, and that’s why Doc wasn’t sick anymore and why he’s immortal. Robert had a chance to pull him out of the well, and take the ring from him, but he opted not to and instead went demon, claiming to Wynonna during her vision quest that he did it to keep the third seal “safe” though it was probably because he was jealous of Doc and Wyatt’s bromance, as Wynonna pointed out.

At any rate, that damn ring ties Doc, Constance, and Bobo to the Earps. And the widows. That damn ring is a linchpin in the storyline. AND Bobo is an integral part of the Earps, as we’ve discovered. Now, whether he’s Waverly’s father or not remains to be seen, because Wynonna planted the idea in his head during her vision quest that he had to protect Waves at all costs, that Waverly was his angel. And holy shit, that scene.

So that’s what this episode was about. We learned how the Earp curse came about, and that Sheriff Clootie is the big bad scary that’s soon to rise if the widows get the third seal. But Bobo has also risen again, and I’m guessing that’s because Wy died for about a minute…? Not sure why the others wouldn’t rise, but maybe they didn’t get the memo. OR maybe Bobo is rising because he’s driven to protect Waverly. Which would be a really interesting twist.

So that’s where things are and holy shit, this was an amazing episode. AMAZING. Seriously. This show just gets better and better and cray-er and cray-er.