A Sarcastic Overview Of Summer

PositronWildhawk
It’s that time of year. The longest break. The time where everyone is socially pressured to party and forget all their troubles. And may I say, what better time than the world-acknowledged fiasco that is the season of summer?

Let’s look at the situation. It’s mid-August and I am free to do what I please on a break for a good few weeks. I wake up one day, ready to take the world by st… wait, I need more rest. One may think a hot day like this would stop this, but no, I have the perfect conditions here with a bath made from my own sweat. It’s amazing how the human body can kill two birds with one stone like this. But still, it’s 3am, and everyone’s partying outside. Should I get up and shout it out to them? I think I will. What a way to let off stress.

Dawn at 5am, having slept like a forest fire, and I begin to bask in the incredible weather. Eggs becoming hard-boiled in bird nests, oceans evaporating into the clouds, people catching fire as their windows magnify light from the Sun onto their heads; it all happens at this extraordinary time. No wonder we keep consuming fossil fuels, we want to keep this cycle alive and strong! If we can keep this form of weather up, we can use the Earth to model the universe in a hot dense state. I hope I’ll be alive to see this insane scientific showstopper. But I can get an idea of this by going with the family to the hottest place in the world possible, like everyone does, because it’s evident that high temperature and humidity are core values in the pursuit of knowledge. So who cares about those polar bears?

So let’s see how the community is acting towards this stage in the cycle. Everyone’s celebrating. Everyone’s preparing, buying essentials like asymmetrical neoprene testicle sacks, thin shirts that show how much you sweat but don’t reduce sweat at all, Calvin Harris’ most mainstream album, and enough alcohol to kill a blue whale. People are flying to the hottest beaches, ready to completely give their first five layers of skin and their dignities away. This is something they enjoy, like getting drunk and passing out at beach parties. It’s SO exciting to imagine where you could turn up, or what happened last night, or when and where your underwear will be found, or what you’ll wake up handcuffed to, if you can. And they expect us to enjoy it too, for everyone should have this experience at some point in time. There’s a lot that you do in the summer, simply in celebration of a weather cycle. One can go clubbing or go bowling at any time of year, but what better time to do it when you can be distracted by the instinct of being an idiot? Summer clearly brings people together without change in the density of intelligence in those resorts.

At this point, everyone around me would suggest that I’m having the time of my life. The air is so viscous that it’s like breathing in golden syrup, the single remaining layer of skin on my limbs is obscured by stings and bites with the radius of a cricket ball, I’m wedged between two fat guys twerking while wearing striped man-thongs, and I can honestly say, I’m so happy that I can make Pharrell look melancholy. It’s good that the people around me have this insight where they can judge one frame of mind. I feel the need to go inside, but I won’t. Mankind has foolishly attempted to perfect the inside, to no avail. A house, with bricks and windows, acts as a barrier between man and nature, with wasps, mud, UV burns, and tigers having escaped from zoos. Mankind has attempted to recreate wind with fans, strategies of outside life with video games, and gardens with pot plants, but these are clearly inferior to the forces of nature and the functions of the universe. So, to be at one with animals, with the land and the sea, and some might say with God, or Allah, or Zeus, or… what’s his name… Andy, one should remain outside. Having now had this epiphany, I feel the need to live in a tree with the owls and the bees, ditch my physics career in order to learn fluent orang-utan, and maybe call for a mate someday with my sexy wah-wah noises.

Summer is a wonderful thing worth celebrating, then. People are more likely to boil in a smooth and bubbling Jacuzzi of air than they are to freeze to death with the oxygen in their lungs desubliming and constricting their alveoli. People are taking advantage of what the laws of nature have given them, something that only happens at this time. It may one day become a scientific showstopper. As this is clearly a sophisticated celebration, I hope to keep it alive for as long as I like. I’ll probably invest in state-of-the-art fusion technologies and create a miniature star in my house, to start a beautiful phenomenon across the world.

Comments

Sorry that that text came out small. Bit of a glitch with my laptop. - PositronWildhawk(8/16/2014)

And that ladies and gentleman is Summer in a nutshell,Too damn hot and too many annoying insects - visitor (8/17/2014)

True. I like winter much better. And really nicely written blog. - Kiteretsunu(8/18/2014)

Positron shows in these blogs how he is such a capable writer. - EvilAngel(12/15/2014)