is this wrong? maybe GP need to mind their own business

dcrowexJanuary 15, 2002

I have two pregnant daughters due about 6 weeks apart. When they were both together recently, they found they had both picked out the same name....actually the short version of the name is the same, but the long version is different. I thought it was great and told the girls it would be a good story in years to come how they arrived at the names and see nothing wrong with this. They are both having boys..both want their boys to be called "Max". One is for Maxwell, the other is Maximus. One of the daughters "inlaws" is having a real problem with this. Several of the members on the other side of the family do not like the name and think its wrong to have the babies named the same. I think its irrelevant - Max is a strong name and both girls should go with their choice for their baby. First of all, I would never, as a grandparent, cause one to doubt their choices and make them feel uncomfortable about something like this. I would just keep my mouth shut if I didn't agree (most of the time, anyway :)). Is this not unacceptable for the other grandparents to impose their thoughts this way and make my daughter question the name she choose? Would appreciate any thoughts.

Look at it this way. A lot of little boys are named after their father or grandfather and so there ends up being two people with the same name in the family. My ds and FIL have the same name and FIL really enjoys it. DS is too young to care. So far, we don't have any confusion over it.

I'm assuming that these two boys won't have the same last name so who cares. Even if both boys go by Max, your family will find a way to differentiate between the two. If I were your daughters, I'd tell everyone else to butt out.

Thank you for your response. You are correct, the boys will not have the same last name. The boys will also have different middle names - both choosing to use each grandfathers name as the middle names. I agree, everyone else needs to butt out.
Deb

I'm expecting my first child in 10 weeks. I'm still hurting that my mother-in-law criticized the name my husband and I lovingly choose for our first child. I agree with you that the other grandparents shouldn't have any say in what the child is named. Besides, the other grandparents will probably only see the Max that is their grandchild and not his cousin, Max.
I'm a teacher and I frequently have 2 or more children in the class with the same name. They never seem to have any trouble figuring who I'm talking about.
It seems like there are people who routinely unsettle other people's plans without much thought to how that makes them feel. The other grandparents are these type of people.
Max and his cousin, Max, will have a wonderful story to share all of their lives. I think that it's sweet that the sisters are on the same wavelength.

Thank you for your response on this. What you said is exactly what the one daughter is feeling. Just a short while ago,the girls were laughing about this and perfectly okay with it. But this past weekend, after another visit with the other family, I could tell she was hurt and now is questioning her decision. I can't believe that their opinions has affected her so much as to doubt her choices, but it has. While I don't think there was any malicious intent, I do not think they have any idea how they have come across. I think the two mothers are going to have a great story to share with these boys when they are older and I have reaffirmed to her to stick by her decision. Sometimes people say things ( I guess) and do not realize the impact they are having. Personally, I would not say anything to someone to cause them to affect a choice like this, even if I didn't agree.
Thank you again for sharing your story on this.
Debbie

I am a grandmother and if both of my daughters were pregnant at the same time and picked out the same name I would voice my concern to both of them at the same time about the babies being named the same. However, that doesn't mean they have to take my advice.

I just don't see either why it is a problem or why it's anyone's business but the parents. Granted if both daughters came and asked if you thought it would be a problem, I don't think you should lie, but otherwise, but otherwise there is no reason to be involved.

I think it might be confusing initially, but I can just see them at like 5 years old, so cute and thinking they're so neat for having the same name...how sweet! You'll just have to have a special nickname for them maybe when they're both around so that they know who grandma is referring to!

Funny thing about names...my name is the same as the shortened version of my older step-sister's...my father, uncle, and stepbrother are all Davids...my husband and two of his first cousins (named after their grandfathers) all share the same name...my stepbrother and my stepbrother-in-law are both Mikes...so, you know, as long as they're not both naming their sons "Moon Beam" or something totally crazy I think you're okay! :)

WOW phyllis, you DO have experience with all those names! I think I have her convinced to go with her first pick and trust her choices. I see a lot of funny days ahead when I call them by name and they both answer...!!!

When my kids were little they had 2 Uncle Steve's, 2 Uncle Mike's and 2 Aunt Karen's; one from each side of the family. My 1st husband's brother and sister both named their kids Christopher. Your daughters have nothing to worry about, the problem isn't with them. I think their story is great. By the way, I named my daughter Jessica Marie and found out later that a very distant cousin (who I hadn't seen in 15 years) also had a daughter at the same time and named hers Jessica Marie.

I think they are making a mountain out nothing! So what if both little guys have the same name. Most people end up calling little ones by some nickname anyway and don't even use their real names--like buddy or squirt of something! Besides, a baby's name is not for the grandparents to decide anyway--they just need to be spoiled by the grandparents, lol!

And really, the names AREN'T the same. When the children are together, if it's cofusing, you use the long version. Simple. Dh's family has so many Micheals, you would think there would be a problem, but there isn't. There is Uncle Mike (the grandfather), Micheal (the father), Mike (the oldest son) and Mikey [mike ee] (the youngest son).

as auntie to Maxwell aka, maxer-dude, i think their choice of names is superb and think they should both keep the names they've chosen, it's no one else's decision but the parents-to-be....besides, Maxwell is not Maximus -- if they wish to avoid confusion both full names can be used during family gatherings ...if you want confusion, have 3 daughters and name them Lianne, Joanne and Dianne, then you can spend the rest of your days saying all 3 names when you mean just one, just ask my folks heh heh heh :o)

We had the same probelm in our family, and at first no one saw any problem with two grandkids having the same name--one was a boy named James, called Jamie, and the other was a girl named Jamey. But now I would advise against it. The kids ended up being called "Big Jamie" and "Little Jamey" due to their difference in age and height and "Little Jamey" and her parents did not like her title. In fact it caused a lot of rifts in the family. Not to mention the confusion it always caused. Names seen so important when you're naming a baby, but actually there are so many nice names to choose from it's not a big deal. In fact we "re-named" one of our children when he was 3 months old, because we decided we didn't like the name we'd picked after all! If you can, suggest they leave the name Max for a dog (it is in fact the most popular name for a dog) and choose different names.

This is exactly WHY my husband and I chose not to tell anyone (including grandparents) the name we chose for our baby until she was born. It is no one's concern but the parents. People can be so rude about names before the baby is born. Once she/he is born, they often wouldn't dare say anything.

I think your daughter needs to tell everyone that it is none of their business. She should stop discussing it with them NOW.

This is EXACTLY why my husband and I refused to reveal the names we had chosen until it was a DONE DEAL. We said "Gomez if it's a boy, Morticia if it's a girl" (the Addams Family movie had just come out). That shut them up, since we never varied from it.

You need to counsel your daughters to be much more private with these people since they don't have any boundaries. Negotiating that w/ her husband will not be a snap for her, but she and her husband need to start establishing these boundaries now.

I thought we were the only ones who refused to give names to our parents until the babies were born. We were brutally honest. We just said that when the baby was born we would let them know what the name would be.

Tally Sue is right (as she usually is) about setting boundaries. If your daughter does not set the boundaries now she will contantly be fighting the fights about whether he needs to eat 2 more mouthfuls of whatever, or how she isn't discipining him properly, or whatever it is that she is doing wrong at the moment.

how interesting that so many of you have experienced this same thing in different degrees. you all are right, she will need to stand up for herself now and the decisions she makes. i think new mothers doubt themselves so much anyway, and they are so afraid they will do something wrong. they dont need any remarks from others on how they are doing things. i told my girls that once the baby is here, they will just "know" how to care for the baby. of course we are here if they need us, but i think that "instinct" kicks in once they baby is laid in your arms the first time.
thanks to everyone for responding. very interesting answers.
deb

They will ask when they want help. Beleive me, I wanted help from my mother and MIL when my babies were new. But I only wanted SOME help and the help I asked for. I did not want (nor did I get) negative remarks from the grandparents.