Here’s Who’d Win An Oscar If None Of The Nominees Were Nominated

At this year’s Academy Awards, we don’t have a host. We don’t have musical performances.

And now I’m imagining what the 2019 Oscars would be like if we didn’t have The Favourite and Roma taking every single award.

Best Picture

If there’s one thing I know, it’s what film should with the Academy Award for Best Picture. Last year, I opted for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri to win. (It went to The Shape of Water.) The year before, I chose La La Land. (It went to that… And then went to Moonlight.) As for 2015, I favoured Mad Max: Fury Road. (The Oscar went to Spotlight.)

So, it turns out that I don’t have a fucking Scooby Doo as to who should get the Academy Award for Best Picture. Maybe just skip past these alternative nominations.

A Quiet Place

Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Crazy Rich Asians

Eighth Grade

First Man

First Reformed

If Beale Street Could Talk

Mary Poppins Returns

Best Director

These five directors have created exceptional pictures this year. All of them deserve the highest form of praise.

I just think Bradley Cooper deserves it a bit more because of how peng his hair was in A Star Is Born.

Barry Jenkins – If Beale Street Could Talk

Bradley Cooper – A Star Is Born

Damien Chazelle – First Man

Lynne Ramsay – You Were Never Really Here

Peter Farrelly – Green Book

Best Actor

Shout-out to these five actors. Two of whom are – I think – older than the Academy Awards themselves. Rumour has it that Clint actually saw the first video camera to ever be made.

Clint Eastwood – The Mule

Ethan Hawke – First Reformed

John David Washington – BlacKkKlansman

Robert Redford – The Old Man and the Gun

Ryan Gosling – First Man

Best Actress

Who’d have thought that we’d get Emily and Toni in the same category? In Hereditary, I nearly cried every time I heard Charlie’s clicking.

In Mary Poppins Returns, I nearly cried every time I thought Dick Van Dyke was going to attempt a British accent.