Father’s Day may not be the best time to get creative

Father’s Day is coming up and, I beg you, don’t buy your dad a gift that says, “Have a good day you big, hairy, old ape.”

Gary Brown

Father’s Day is coming up and, I beg you, don’t buy your dad a gift that says, “Have a good day you big, hairy, old ape.”

We’ve got some nice colognes available. Some aftershaves.

Sure, cologne is kind of an ordinary gift. It’s the kind of gift that makes a dad open up, and instead of shouting “just what I’ve always wanted,” he slaps a grin on his face, looks at the wife and kids, and says, “awwww, isn’t that nice, more smelly stuff.”

But, you get the grin.

Out of the box

There’s a company out there that wants you to “forget ties, golf clubs, cuff links and barbecue grills.” It urges us to get creative and try its product.

“This year, surprise Dad with the new breakthrough hair-removal treatment that will free him from the daily grind of shaving and/or painful and expensive waxing treatments that Mom makes him endure (think of the horrible scene from ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’).”

I saw that movie. If Mom is making Dad do anything close to that, they might have some issues a Father’s Day gift isn’t going to address.

OK, so this system -- “Pain-Free, Hair-Free” -- is supposed to be “entirely painless.” The treatment “takes cutting-edge medical-laser technology and combines it with the comfort and convenience of a trip to the spa.” And I don’t dispute that.

But, before Dad finds that out, he’s going to be thinking, “My family, the people I love most in this world, the ones I would lay down my life for, just called me a big, old hairy ape -- on MY day ...”

Neither Hallmark nor American Greetings sells a card that will make up for that.

Better ideas

Worse yet, this doesn’t sound like a cheap, splash-on-some-cologne personal-care thing. This would have to be a together gift. All the kids would have to pool their money.

If you want to go in together on a gift, and stay out of the doghouse, you should try the Logitech Harmony 880 Advance Universal Remote Control that I got an e-mail about. At $216 that’s a together gift with some gadgets on it.

And no dad would think, “Hey, you guys calling me a couch potato?” He’d just look at the remote, smile, ask for batteries and flick buttons all afternoon, while he’s thinking, “OK, everybody’s back in the will.”

Think about it. You’ve got a choice here. You can pleasure your dad. Or, you can call him a “big, hairy, old ape.”

Even if he is a big, hairy old ape -- and needs to be told -- tell him another weekend. We’ve got 51 that aren’t Father’s Day. He’ll probably be pleased to know there’s no pain on another weekend.

Don’t tell him next Mother’s Day, either. We don’t want him ruining her day by moping around mumbling, “Sure, she gets gifts and I get told I’m a big, hairy, old ape.”