Bekki

Why I feel I Must Cut

I’m nineteen years old, I just had a beautiful baby girl named Kairra. She
is the world to me. When she was born she was diagnosed with
Holoprosencephaly (a malformation of the brain). Anyways I’ve been cutting
myself for almost three years now. It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t
cut myself I get sick and throw up. I’ve never sought professional help
because I think I can handle it on my own. With my daughter getting worse I
feel I have to cut in order to get through the day. It’s horrible. I have so
many scars on my wrists, breasts, etc. I thought that if I talked about it I
would feel better but that hasn’t worked either. Before I cut myself I’m so
pissed off that I could probably cut myself with the intentions of killing
myself. After I make the first cut I feel relieved and after the second and
third I feel sleepy. When I’m finished I’ll cry myself to sleep. I don’t
understand why I do this to myself. I’m scared that one of these days I’m
going to cut deep enough to kill myself. I often wonder if anyone would miss
me if I passed away. I wonder if anyone would cry at my funeral. I think
that when I cut myself I feel control over my life. I like having that
control to end my life if I’d like. Cutting has become part of me. I don’t
know if I can ever stop doing it. No one has ever see the scars on my
wrists. I normally keep them hidden to everyone. I know people see them
there is no hiding them. But I feel that they can be hidden. I know cutting
isn’t healthy.