Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict
interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes,
Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on
Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by
long-time fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable
woman, if such a thing still exists in this

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in
a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks
attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely
chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady,
for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing,
romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at
midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old
double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and
has an open-minded twin sister.

BEARTOWN POLICE REPORT

The

old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but my
stepfather refused to get rid of it. When the junker was
stolen from his office parking lot, the family was
delighted. Nonetheless, we called the police. Our relief
was short-lived. Within an hour an officer was back on the
phone.
"We found the car less than a mile away,"
he said, trying to restrain his mirth. "It had a
note on it:
'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

MY KIND of COW(from The Caledonian-Record
7/19/04)

At noon, many Vermont
politicians, local and statewide, stepped up to
participate in the milking contest that takes place
every year.
The winner of the contest receives a plaque that
designates him or her as having "the most pull in
the Northeast Kingdom." ...Bernie Sanders got
kicked by the cow as he was milking her.

DRAFTED

In 1968, Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain man,
was drafted by the army.
On his first day of boot camp, the army issued him a
toothbrush. That afternoon, an army dentist yanked several
of his teeth.
On his second day, the army issued him a comb. That
afternoon, an army barber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.The army is still looking for
him.

Washington D.C.

Congress has announced that the Office of
President of the United States will be outsourced to
overseas as of August 30th, the end of this fiscal
year. The move is being made to save $400K a year
in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit
expenditures and related overhead.
"The cost savings will be quite significant"
says
Congressman Adam Smith (D - Wash) who, with the aid
Congress research arm, the General Accounting Office
has studied outsourcing of American jobs
extensively.
"We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay
and remain competitive in the world stage,"
Congressman Smith said.
Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend
lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the
termination of his position. He will receive health
coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of
employment. After that, with a two week waiting
period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a
week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state
Medicaid health insurance coverage as his
unemployment benefits are over the required limit.
"I'm in shock,"
Mr. Bush stated.
"I thought fer sure I'd have some job security
around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do
now,"
he further lamented.
Preparations have been underway for some time for
the job move. Mr. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus
Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the
Office of President of the United States as of
September 1.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his
parents were here on student visas, thus making him
eligible for the position. He will receive a salary
of $320 USD a month but with no health coverage or
other benefits. Due to the time difference between
the US and India,
Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when
offices of the US Government will be open.
"I am excited to serve in this position,"
Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview.
"Working nights will let me keep my day job at the
American Express call center. I always knew I could
be President someday."
Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh
as he may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved with his new
position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that
Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow
which will allow him to respond to most topics of
concern. The Spokesperson further noted that
"additional savings will be realized as these
scripting tools have already been used previously by
Mr. Bush here in the US. Such scripts will enable
Mr. Singh to
provide an answer without having to fully understand
the issue itself."
Congress continues to explore other outsourcing
possibilities including that of Vice-president and
most Cabinet positions