The Bedroom Workout For Men: Better Sex Through Exercise

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All Rise...

Need advice on how to score with chicks? Want every gal you meet to become your instant sex slave? Judge Bill Gibron recommends his own patented "three step method"...oh, and this simple exercise DVD might help too.

The Charge

More bang for your booty buck, one squat thrust at a time…

The Case

SEX!!!

Okay, now that this DVD—and the review of same—has got your
attention, let's see what Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist Andy
Troy has to say on the subject. Seems that Mr. CSCS has decided that the best
way to sell his traditional stretching, weight training, cardiovascular workout
routine is to add some sly, simplistic computer graphics and a healthy dose of
the promise of poon. See, Troy believes that exercise is the key to great SEX!,
and with a healthy body and oxygen-fed mind will come an equally vigorous
attitude toward and reaction from the object of your lustful desires.
Discounting possible personal pitfalls like chronic halitosis, a beer belly the
size of Bavaria, or a personality that makes rock salt seem unusually animated,
Troy swears that just a little low-impact posing and some carefully considered
curls will land you the trim of your dreams.

What The Bedroom Workout for Men is not, however, is some sweltering,
sexy exposé about how flattened abs or buns of granite will help you score
with supermodels (naturally, said assets couldn't hurt). Instead, it's a
three-part presentation that plays like a Men's Health Magazine practice
pictorial come to life. Andy Troy, a man with more degrees than dimensions to
his personality, walks us through the preliminary paths to human form hotness
with determination and a great deal of meandering monologuing. We learn how to
properly bend and stretch. We get tips on correct weight lifting and strength
training. And then there is a brief five-minute bit about the importance of good
cardiovascular circulation, especially when it comes to having a fully
functioning, blood engorged wang (eww!).

During the course of this 60-minute walkthrough of body basics, we realize
that Troy is not here to sell us a system (at least, not on the DVD itself), nor
is he trying to twist standard exercise into some hyper-real superhero spiel in
order to gain quick attention—and even quicker cash. No, the only original
element he brings to this throwback to Jack LaLanne is the concept of
"pausing." Oh yeah, and the SEX! angle. Troy argues that for his
fitness plan to profit in the full-blown monkey lovin' department, each exercise
routine must be retrofitted with an action, a retraction, and a pause. In order
to illustrate this point, a tiny linear graphic runs horizontally across the
screen, and lights "green" for when you move, "red" for when
you end a particular motion, and "yellow" for the hiatus in between.
Arguing about posture muscles and hip twisters, Troy has an excellent huckster
jive, meaning he may not know what he's talking about (though one assumes he
does), but he is damn convinced he is right in the delivery.

Funny thing is, we never see Troy himself "in action" (and
not in that way, get your head out of the sewer, okay?). While he seems
decently fit, pumped pythons flaring and cityscape tan lines in full view (back
in the day such skin shading was all the rage among farmers and nerds), our
narrator simply does that—he narrates the routines. Doing the
Gold's Gym boogie instead are two rather specious specimens, guys who look like
they have a whole black book of dating issues other than occasionally getting an
out of shape leg cramp. Still, Troy puts them through the routines, and we get
to see every last benched press, every mother scratchin' shoulder shrug. From a
purely instructional standpoint, Troy is entertaining. He is not condescending
or curt, but neither is he a "feel the burn/bust a lat" kind of guy.
And this makes The Bedroom Workout for Men a rather lame entertainment
experience. In reality, there is no amusement intent here, just straightforward
talk about the value of fitness in the realm of fornication.

About the only bit of spice we witness comes in the form of coital couple
silhouettes, basic artists renderings of people plying pork that Troy uses to
illustrate the importance of his exercises. Troy's commentary on said cartoons
can also be a little scandalous, like when he argues that some women enjoy
having their legs forced back behind their head during intercourse. They also
like to cuddle afterward, but apparently, Troy doesn't have an exercise to
polish that proclivity.

If all you are looking for is a simple, no-frills approach to getting in
shape, you could do a lot worse than The Bedroom Workout for Men. It
doesn't employ gimmicks (except for the SEX! approach) and limits the egomania
of most presentations with an honest and inviting approach. But unless the
single's bar opening sequence entices you to pump up for pumping's sake, there
are better reasons to work that flab other than getting into someone's
pants—unless of course, you borrowed them for an upcoming social gathering
and they still don't quite fit.

StratoStream, a relative newcomer to DVD, has given The Bedroom Workout
for Men a professional technical polish. The 1.33:1 full screen image is
clean and clear, and offers no visible video defects. The colors are a little
washed out, but that could also be a result of the lighting used at the real gym
location. The Dolby Digital Stereo is sonically proficient, allowing us to hear
Troy's talking without any static or distortion. The use of the electronic
musical cues to go along with the exercise visual graphic is unique, but it can
grow irritating after a while. Sadly, there are no extras here, but that's to be
expected from a DVD, and an enterprise, that is merely looking to spread the
word, not create some manner of Collector's Edition.

If you require a bigger member, if you have that propensity to pop before
the unskinny bop has even started, if you need help with achieving proper peter
rigidity, or can't remember what to do once you get a babe in the boudoir, Andy
Troy and The Bedroom Workout for Men won't offer any solutions. But this
is a nice little exercise program that won't insult your intelligence—or
your manliness. And on that level alone, it's a decent, educational treat. Too
bad the SEX! sets us up for something that never arrives. Talk about your
tease!

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