Dear Mariella

My 23-year-old son's girlfriend recently ended their two-year relationship and he was devastated. After a female friend took him out, his ex became jealous. Isn't it a bit warped to split up with someone then want them to provide emotional support for your ensuing doubts?

THE DILEMMA My 23-year-old son's girlfriend recently ended their two-year relationship. She was quite cruel during the break-up, insisting that he not contact her for two weeks while she made up her mind. When she told him it was over, he was devastated. He went through weeks of torment – sobbing, coming home from work a few times. But he's much stronger now. A female friend of his came around recently to take him out, and afterwards his ex texted him to say they'd been spotted and to ask if he had a new girlfriend. She felt confused and jealous. He thought there might be a chance to get back together, but now he realises she doesn't know what she wants. I'm sympathetic towards his ex – she's quiet and shy – but isn't it a bit warped to split up with someone then want them to provide emotional support for your ensuing doubts?

MARIELLA REPLIES Since when, might I ask, was love either just or rational? I'm thrilled you wrote, if only to remind myself of what I must refrain from doing when my son becomes a man. Your definition of this girl's cruelty and your detailed knowledge of the minutiae of their break-up should be enough to send warning signals to all doting parents. Taking two weeks to decide on whether the relationship has a future or not could be regarded as an act of maturity and sanity. That alternative reading of the girl's motives has clearly not occurred to you. Then again, you're sore because she jilted your boy! As one mother to another, I totally understand the primal instinct to protect your young, even when they're old enough to be doing it for themselves.

Yet no matter how strong your bond with your child and how protective you're compelled to be, when it comes to matters of the heart you need to maintain a dignified distance. The terrible truth is that there comes a point when children's lives are out of our hands and meddling becomes at best inappropriate and at worst handicapping. Independence comes with the responsibility to take care of yourself, and while it's always nice to know you have a bosom to cry on, expecting a parent to unpick the knots of our adult relationships is neither functional nor helpful. We've all seen examples of children who've never grown up. Very often it's men, mollycoddled half to death, as my gran would have described it, and left inadequately prepared and struggling to deal with the normal requirements of adult romantic relationships.

I'm not saying your boy has entered those ranks yet, but the more you try to protect him from heartache, the more he'll lack the ability to do it himself in the long run. You don't need me to tell you that your received version of the story is entirely subjective, formed as it is by your son's account of what has transpired between him and his ex. Imagine yourself in the shoes of this "quiet and shy girl", or better yet his ex's mother, and you'll be illuminated on the collateral damage that occurs when those with their own vested interests start leaping into the fray.

You won't be the first mother who's been tempted to overstep the line between support and meddling, and he certainly won't be the first boy who's run crying to his mum when things didn't work out as he'd hoped. Natural instincts are all very well for those who live in the wild, but what separates us as a species is surely our ability to make rational choices.

Unfortunately the course of true love is anything other than smooth. This Romeo and Juliet, currently aiming darts at each other's hearts, may at any moment decide that they've made a mistake and embark on a reunion. Even if the relationship can't be mended, they might reconvene later as buddies, at which point anything you've done or said will be misconstrued or held against you.

By sticking your nose too far into their business, you could easily find that it's you who ends up left on the shelf. Taking sides in matters of the heart, unless a crime has been committed – either literally or by virtue of a deed too terrible to forgive – is never a good idea, and especially not with offspring, many of whom become increasingly disloyal and fail to appreciate arguments made on their behalf as the years mount separating their childhood and adulthood.

Human beings are at their unpredictable best when it comes to love. Even if the detail your son's given you about the relationship's demise is accurate, the sentiments with which deeds and actions have been translated are a byproduct of his despair. He is emotionally vulnerable and has been through what sounds like a traumatic break-up. Supporting him as he goes through the grieving process for the girl he's lost is one thing; rolling up your sleeves and getting elbow-deep in the nitty-gritty is entirely another.

DID HER ADVICE HELP?

A fortnight ago Mariella addressed the problem of a woman who feels depressed by her large family home. Renovation has been under way for three years, and it is nowhere near completion. Here is her response to Mariella's advice, and some readers' webposts:

It was a relief to be shown some understanding and empathy and the basic suggestion that I should let myself and my partner off the hook helped. I think it was a case of not seeing the wood for the trees, and that's when objectivity works wonders – but this can be difficult to achieve. I'm also grateful for the wealth of pointers offered by readers online.

We've been there. People saying one should be grateful have no idea of the hell a dirty, dusty, dark old house can impose. SPARCLEAR

Get to the GP and say you feel depressed each morning. If you are really depressed you need help, not an interior designer. JACKIE HUGHES