What happens when I let the language do the thinking for me?

Japanese, but a British mommy? (Part 2) 母としての言語はどちら？(Part 2)

Several posts ago,(Here) I mentioned a friend (initial M) who was conflicted with her own linguistic ability as a mother. She is Japanese and her dominant language is Japanese, but she is struggling with the use of Japanese with her daughter. Well, I noted the other day that, even though she is trying to use Japanese more constantly with her daughter, she is still using English when she scolds, provides direction, or dictates for her daughter. When I asked her about it, she said that she is still conflicted when it comes to giving direction to her child. She is looking for ways to translate how she speaks to her child in English into Japanese and running into some issues.

M and I have a fairly similar way of parenting. We both try to respect our children where we can, but at times, we scold (pretty harshly even). The basics of Western (gross generalization here based on what we know of American and British parenting) style is to teach our children to say “please” by using it ourselves. “Speak to a child as you would want to be spoken to”, is a golden rule. We repeat, “Please put your shoes on”, “Please finish that last broccoli on your plate”, “Please come sit next to mommy.” And we usually respond to most of what they say with “…and? where’s my please?” M, being more of a British mommy, does exactly that in English. Every action of her child starts with “Please”.

Here’s the trouble. The Japanese counterpart of Please is お願い or o-ne-ga-i. Simple enough you think. So in Japanese, “Please come eat your dinner” would be, 「お願い、こっちに来て晩御飯食べようね」(Onegai, kocchi ni kite bangohan tabeyoune). Now, if you are Japanese, this sentence sounds a bit off to you. お願い in Japanese is not just a word that is similar in meaning to “Please”. It also is the verb “to wish”, or “to request”, and that meaning is probably stronger when used in a Japanese context.

“Please” in English is a manner word. You invite a few of your friends over for dinner, when dinner is ready, you call them over and say, “Dinner is ready, please come have dinner.” You’re not really requesting or wishing that they would come to the table, they came with the intent to have dinner and you invited them to your house for that purpose. Therefore, in Japanese, the use of お願い in this scenario would not make literal sense. Even in English, you don’t need the word “please” to make sense, it just sounds nicer.

So as M is making the transition from her English to Japanese parenting, she doesn’t know what to do with her “please”. She feels like something is missing if she doesn’t say it, but in Japanese, it makes no sense. In Japanese, manners are communicated by changing the whole sentence to the proper form. For example, “Dinner is ready, please come have dinner” can take on the following forms:

With a very small (very) close group of friends, it would be,「準備出来たから食べましょう」(junbi dekita kara tabemashou)

The tone and the words used are very different. And I’m making a lot of effort to keep the sentences similar. In an actual proper situation, I would have an extra sentence or two apologizing for the wait, etc. and I would probably stop using the word table and instead use the term for individual seat. Even more complicated, in English, “please” is “please” whomever you use it with, in whatever situation. In Japanese, it’s not so.

These are casual forms that sound like you’re just asking:

お願いね～ Onegaine~

お願いよ Onegaiyo

お願い Onegai

These are the more proper forms:

お願いします Onegaishimasu

お願いできますでしょうか Onegaidekimasudeshouka

お願いいたします Onegaiitashimasu

There are many more, but I figured six would be enough to make my point. None of them really fit in with how a mother talks to a toddler, but they all translate to “Please”. The casual forms may become more appropriate when a child grows older, going to school on her own, and if you are asking them to pick up some sugar on the way home.

“Can you please pick up some sugar on the way home from school?”

学校の帰りに砂糖買ってきてくれない？お願いね。

Gakkou no kaeri ni satou kattekitekurenai? Onegaine.

That sounds much more natural in a mother daughter conversation. Can’t wait to be able to have these conversations, but with toddlers, not there yet. The very simple use of “please” in one language is very difficult in another. So how do we address this? How should a Japanese child request for things? ….That’s another topic for another time.