Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which assistant Margaret and I snort as we piggishly wallow in the celebrity weeklies. We don't hog! Details from Us, In Touch, Life & Style, Star and Ok! inside.

OK!
"Love, Lust & Lies." The inside story does not live up to its lame selling point on the cover, since it is just a package of pretty headshots of male celebrities with random relationship quotes. Also, it is called "How To Snag An A-List Guy," but we thought it said "How To Shag An A-List Guy," which we would have preferred. Moving on: Apparently Chris Brown has been calling Rihanna's producer and "demanding" to know if Rihanna is there; Rihanna always says, "Tell him I'm not here." Kimora Lee Simmons says her baby shower was "last minute and low-key." [Fig. 1] But here's what she had: Sliced prime rib; lobster; crab; shrimp; caviar; poached salmon; macaroni and cheese; a fondue fountain with white chocolate, fruit and marshmallows; red velvet cake; Jamaican rum cake and strawberry shortcake. Don't you love a recession? Something Kelly Ripa said at the very end of an interview got turned into a headline: "I Look My Age." Here's her quote: "I don't think I really look that young. I think I look my age, but that's okay, I don't mind that." Then there's a Mother's Day shopping page which suggests a $595 orange bag, a $1350 Tiffany necklace or a $48 candle.Grade: F (swine flu)

In Touch
"Brad Takes The Kids." …To Niagara Falls. Seriously, the story goes like this: Brad took Pax and Maddox to Niagara Falls, and the copy reads: "While Brad was clearly trying to make it a fun day for the boys, there was no missing the sadness etched into his face." Anyway, the only reason he keeps coming back to live with Angelina is "purely for the children's sake." This story contradicts itself! First it reads, "During the Niagara Falls trip, Angelina was conspicuously absent." Later in the paragraph, this: "Angelina, who was shooting in Albany…" She was busy, people. Then there's a sidebar called "Will She Get Pregnant To Keep Brad?" Because he could walk out on six kids, but not seven. There's also an arrow pointing to her abdomen with the words, "Is that a bump?" Next: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are "getting ready" for a baby, apparently because 34-year-old Fergs said she wanted to have kids by the time she is 35 and her birthday is coming up. Also inside: "Stressed Out Lindsay Is Down To 97 Pounds." The mag helpfully prints arrows pointing to her bones [Fig. 2]. A friend says "She is stressed out and nervous. She can't eat." Registered dietician Joseph J. Mutz, who does not treat Lindsay, warns: "Whatever the reason is behind Lindsay's obvious weight loss, her health is certainly in danger." In a story about the wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, we learn that their families were stuck in the back rows of the church while cast members of The Hills — including JustinBobby — sat up front. In "Octomom" news, a limo driver named Luis Ceballos says "I want to get a DNA test on that first kid." Luis used to drive Nadya Suleman around back when she was a stripper/dancer. He says he had unprotected sex "in the back my limo. right around the time she stopped stripping and disappeared, I found out she was pregnant. That is why I think the kid is mine." In Touch agrees, printing the words, "They look so similar!" [Fig. 3]. In Twilight news, Robert Pattinson is "living it up" because he was photographed having a drink and getting into a cab [Fig. 4] Even though the photos are laid out to seem like one long night of partying, they're clearly from different days. A source says, "He's definitely getting the hang of this heartthrob thing."Grade: D- (pig sty)

Us
"Caught With Other Woman." Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 might be having an affair. He went out to a club in Reading, PA and wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He and a woman who is not his wife left from separate exits, but both got in his car. He was heard saying: "Hey babe, babe! Give me my jacket." When the two realized photographers had caught them and were taking pix, Jon panicked and said: "Get in the car! Get in the car!" The ladyfriend got in the driver sear and they sped off without headlights. Dramz! Kate was away at a book signing while all this was going on. One neighbor says that Jon is living in the apartment above the garage. Jon emailed the magazine with this explanation: "I went to [the club] to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car. So I let her drive it to her car." Uh, right. This story goes on for 6 pages if you're interested. There's a Lindsay Lohan story titled "Is She Too Thin?" A Lohan source says: "The eating stuff is a big control issue for Lindsay. She can't control her career or relationship with Sam or what people say about her, but she can just not eat." Then Lindsay texted Us, saying: "I am eating hash browns with eggs and bacon AS WE SPEAK! Lol." The magazine adds: "Her wheat toast, a magazine worker told Us, remained untouched." Multiple sources tell the mag that Lindsay is taking Adderall; another source says "she loves when her ribs are showing."Grade: C- (pig knuckles)

Star
"Mom At Last!" Jennifer Aniston is adopting a baby boy, and Brad Pitt urged her to do it. An "insider" says she's finishing up paperwork and waiting to bring home her little bundle of joy, who is an American baby. A friend says she picked a boy because she is a tomboy at heart and not a girly-girl. The insider says, "This is definitely happening, and it's incredibly exciting for Jen." She was "toying" with the names William and Jeremiah, but finally settled on "Nicholas," to "honor her Greek heritage." The middle name will be John, not because of John Mayer, but because her dad's name is John. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality TV sweetie is actually a huge diva? She whips off her mic and disappears for days when she doesn't want to be filmed. The crew can't wait to get rid of her." The story titled "LC Ruins Speidi's Wedding" claims that Lauren Conrad arrived at the church about 10 minutes before the ceremony, "but she wasn't about to sit there waiting. She got up and left the church and went for a walk to get away from the crazy scene." When she came back, the ceremony was already underway, but instead of just sitting the back, LC strolled up the aisle and took her original seat. "She showed little respect," says an insider. Or did producers TELL HER to leave and come back? Another insider said "The whole thing had a cheesy feel to it, it was more like one of Spencer and Heidi's publicity stunts than a wedding." The stars of The Hills only came because they were contractually obligated; Heidi tossed her bouquet on the front steps of the church because none of the Hills stars went to the reception. Anyway, Kristin Cavallari "caught" the bouquet and guess who stars in the next season of The Hills? Moving on: Sarah Jessica Parker is having twins via a surrogate. The mag prints a blurred picture of the woman, who is due July 18, and lives in SJP's home state of Ohio. She's 26, divorced, with one son, works at a kennel and is getting $30,000 to carry the kids. She'd already been a surrogate for two gay men in NYC, which is why SJP picked her. The babies were conceived in vitro using eggs SJP had frozen some time ago & Matthew's sperm. An "insider" says, "Twins is one more than they expected, but they are very happy and excited. It has brought them closer, because it is something they are doing together." There's a 2-page spread titled "How Kim Got Lil' Again." (She got meals delivered and started working out.) Is Angelina pregnant? She was seen wearing an empire-waist dress!!!! Hey, can you guess a celebrity by her silohuette [Fig. 5]? Lastly, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars" is celebrity baby pictures. Check out Ryan Seacrest's blue eyeshadow [Fig. 6]!Grade: C (pig skins)

Life & Style
"I Have Cellulite. So What!" The "exclusive 100% unretouched photos" of Kim Kardashian wearing her mom's bikini are actually kind of boring [Fig. 7,8]. She says she wanted to do the shoot because of the Complexcontroversy: "I wanted to say, this is me, take it or leave it." She also says: "I love my body the way it is. I'm not perfect. I have cellulite. So what." And: "On the red carpet, the paparazzi scream for me to turn around, because they just want butt shots. People feel so free to talk about my butt, and it's not comfortable. Girls come up to me and grab my butt. Or if I'm doing a TV interview, people ask on camera to squeeze my butt. It's uncomfortable. I'm like, let's move on, everyone's got a butt, why do you care about mine?" In the Heidi/Spencer wedding story, it says that Spencer's parents almost didn't attend the wedding — not because they didn't approve, but because of the cameras: "When they started the show three years ago, my husband and I decided we didn't want to be on it," says Spencer's mom says. "We want nothing to do with it. We sat in the back so we wouldn't be filmed." When one reception ended at 10pm, Heidi changed into a white Juicy Couture sweatsuit with Mrs. Pratt on the back, and they all went to another bar for more cocktails. Also: Heidi is in negotiations to do Playboy. The story titled "Jen's Picking The Wrong Guys Again" is absurd. The mag says her "crushes" are Sean Avery and John Stamos. Avery is a "bad boy" and didn't call her back; Stamos doesn't date celebrities anymore. Someone who will date her? Aaron Sorkin. He's been pushing for a get-together, but "his history of drug problems scared her off." An "insider" says, "Jen admits she can't resist the dark side of men. So you can bet whoever she hooks up with next is going to wind up hurting her." C'mon now. That is just rude. "Is Lindsay's New Addiction Making Her Skinny?" A "friend" says, "when she gets stressed, she forgets to eat." The mag says, "but she doesn't forget to drink!" Apparently Lindsay loves Neuro energy drinks. So much that she's addicted. Lastly, in unrelated news, Extra's Dayna Devon says, "I Love My Tummy Tuck!"Grade: C+ (spare ribs)