RHOC: “For two years of that, I was just raising my husband.”

Well, weren’t our Real Housewives of Orange County busy last night? They were all over the place: going on vacations, going to the pool, swilling cocktails, pretending to have careers. It was downright adorable at times, but less adorable at other times. Those other times, of course, were when Tamra wanted to talk about vaginal rejuvenation, a procedure whose existence continues to blow my mind. And not in a good way.

But talk about it we did, as well as postpartum depression, the rules of friendship and how to properly take a tequila shot. You know, all the important stuff in life.

We started with Tamra, who was headed to pick up Vicki so that they could go to Cabo. Tamra didn’t seem exceptionally excited to make the trip and Vicki could only talk about how Tamra needed to spend the trip courting her friendship, so perhaps it’s not all that difficult to understand why Tamra seemed less than enthusiastic on the ride to the airport. I know that I wouldn’t want to be trapped in a foreign country with Vicki for any period of time. Not that Tamra would be a treat of a travel partner either.

When Vicki wasn’t talking about massive the apology she felt she was owed, she was doing business on her iPhone, which was actually preferable to listening to her complain about some perceived slight that none of us really remember. In fact, I don’t remember it at all, so maybe I need to re-watch last season. Or maybe (and I think this is more likely), Vicki has been losing her mind for a solid year over something that shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, particularly in the context of Tamra’s crumbling marriage. That sounds a lot like the Vicki we all know.

Back in the OC, Alexis and Gretchen got together to swill cocktails and discuss the surprise party that Gretchen was going to throw for her parents’ 40 year wedding anniversary, which inevitably lead to a conversation about her problems with marriage. Gretchen has been married twice (divorced the first time, and we know what happened with the second one…) and doesn’t know if she wants Slade to put a ring on it, but she also doesn’t want to have a kid without being married. But she wants to have a kid! Don’t get her wrong, she thinks it’s majorly important that she eventually sends a Lil’ Gretchen out there into the world.

They talked about Gretchen’s “lease” idea, but even Alexis had the good sense to tell her that was stupid, even though no one has pointed out to her that the “lease” deal is basically the same as what she’s doing now. In fact, it’s exactly the same, and giving it a cutesy name only makes Gretchen more annoying. Hopefully we don’t have to hear any more about it after this episode, but since Gretchen is only capable of holding a few different thoughts in her head at once, what are the odds of that? This one seems really lodged in there.

The next thing we knew, Vicki and Tamra had arrived to their hotel in Cabo. On the way in, Vicki made sure to tell every staff member that she could find that Tamra owes her an apology, because those people are paid to listen to her and she intends to get her money’s worth. As part of Tamra’s pay-as-you-go apology plan, Vicki got the bigger of the suite’s bedrooms and she also got to mother Tamra for the entire trip, starting with yanking her off the balcony when Tamra tried to moon the entire resort. We also saw a little too much of Tamra’s hoo-ha in the process, but just like last week’s tub terror, let’s never speak of that again.

What I would like to speak about, however, is the tequila shots that came next. I could understand if, say, a pair of recently escaped nuns didn’t know how to do a tequila shot. Or even a pair of regular, middle-aged soccer moms from the heartland. But Tamra and Vicki? And Tamra especially? I’m disappointed in those girls, although they did do the right thing when they realized they had screwed up their shots – they took more shots until they got it right. For the record, and for those of you who didn’t go to a party school and missed out on this essential part of your education, you lick the salt, take the shot and then suck the lime.

Back in the OC, Alexis woke up one morning and decided it would be fun to be a fashion designer. Well, more accurately, she wants to be a muse for someone who actually designs dresses, but she doesn’t know that word, so she wants to be a designer. As it turns out, she had a seamstress who already made a lot of the clubbing outfits that she wears to pick up her kids from preschool, so she just had her whip up a few more things for her to put her name on, et voila! Alexis is a designer, y’all. Excuse me, I mean she’s a career woman. Just like she always was, right?

Over at Peggy’s house, she was sitting down to film a segment for a documentary about postpartum depression. She talked about having suicidal feelings during and after her pregnancies and how her husband and mother-in-law eventually had to stage an intervention to get her to use vitamins and magic slap bracelets to cure it. And really, whatever helps is great, but Peggy and her mother-in-law are not medical experts and I hope that she doesn’t persuade anyone who’s suffering to forgo therapy or medication in favor of relying on a glittery slap bracelet hooked up to some old lady’s laptop.

Major clinical depression is a serious illness, and you can’t treat it with magic and a heaping helping of B vitamins. Implying that it’s safe to deal with suicidal thoughts that way is nothing less than dangerous, and her husband should have stepped in to get her to a doctor instead of listening to his dingbat mother. Got some dry skin? Sure, try and cure it with vitamins and holograms and positive thinking. Want to kill yourself? Maybe you should be doing a little bit more. Since Peggy is clearly not well yet, I find it even more surprising that her husband agree to have the family on a reality show.

Back in Cabo, Vicki and Tamra were headed to dinner, where Vicki sought out more hotel employees (this time, it was an unsuspecting waiter) to tell all about how Tamra was a bad friend last year. Once the waiter had been sufficiently freaked out and left to fetch alcohol, Vicki told Tamra that she wanted her to write an essay about what she values in a friendship and read it to her in a beachside ceremony the next day. The request seemed entirely serious and without the tiniest note of irony or sarcasm, which means that we can all mark off “friendship contract” on our Official Real Housewives Bingo Cards.

As if that wasn’t enough insanity for one meal, Vicki suddenly realized that the Caesar salad she had ordered contained fish and gagged. I’m assuming that Vicki has had a caeser salad in the past, and caeser dressing always contains anchovy paste, so it’s not that Vicki doesn’t like fish, she just doesn’t like the idea of fish. In fact, she doesn’t like it so much that she started gagging and shaking like a dog about to puke.

Over in Gretchen’s neck of the woods, she sat down with her totally creepy dad to listen to him make gross jokes at the waitress and tell her that Slade’s kind of a slimeball. He might be a creeper, but he’s a correct creeper, eh? Takes one to know one, I suppose. Gretchen wanted his permission to have children out of wedlock with Slade and I’m not sure that she really got it, but if she’s a grown woman who wants to have a kid and she has the income to support one (whether or not she does is a discussion for a different day), then why ask your parents for permission? Would they disown her if she got pregnant in her 30s?

In Cabo again, Vicki and Tamra took to the pool deck to discuss…well, Tamra’s sex life. Because that’s all Tamra can talk about, and honestly, although this is ground rife for snark, I say more power to her. I don’t want to see any more tub sex, but you’re supposed to be able to blab all the dirty details of your sex life to your girlfriends. That’s what girlfriends are for! Vicki seemed totally disgusted, but Tamra didn’t even say anything that terrible. In fact, the weirdest part of the whole conversation was that she and Eddie like to listen to Lady Gaga while they get it on.

And then, as if to purposefully further horrify Vicki, the duo headed to one of the resort’s swim-up bars and Tamra flung herself out for body shots. Vicki nearly stroked out and started hollering about how she’s a mother of four and she shouldn’t be doing that sort of thing, but is that really where the line is going to be drawn? Tamra has behaved like an utterly loathsome person for all to see, has had awful fights with her soon-to-be ex-husband and has gotten into a bathtub naked with her new boyfriend, all on TV. Body shots in Cabo are the objectionable thing here? No, no they’re not. Let the lady take some body shots, Vicki. I’d need some booze after all of that too. I might need some booze after just thinking about it.

Things were gross in a different way back in California, where Peggy told us all about how she got a Bentley for having a kid. I’m not an expert on Bentleys or anything, but it looked like it was perhaps a used Bentley from a couple of years back. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the way that Peggy was bragging, you would have thought that her husband had it custom-ordered just for her because of the awesome feat of childbearing. This is neither the time nor place to debate the merits of “push presents” as a concept, but I do wonder where one buys a used Bentley. Do they have an ultraluxury section at Carmax? Do they still put the little Carmax decal on the back?

Anyway, it was time for Peggy’s requisite pool time for the episode, but things didn’t get very far. Dad and London got in the pool and swam around, but Peggy soon realized that Capri, her youngest daughter, was bleeding. Bleeding from her finger! Oh dear! You’d think that if the baby was seriously hurt, she’d be crying, as babies are wont to do. Right? But she wasn’t. Little Capri (don’t even get me started on the name) was just going about her toddler business, gnawing on half a chicken finger like a normal kid who is totally unaware that the name her parents gave her means that she’s destined for a life on the pole.

Once Peggy (What is Peggy short for, anyway? Pegatha?) realized her kid was bleeding, though, all bets were off. In a display that should convince anyone who was watching that magic doesn’t cure postpartum depression, Peggy lost her mind over a tiny cut on her kid’s finger and sent her husband to the emergency room with her to get it stitched up. For how insistent Peggy was that the cut was some sort of grievous injury, she didn’t bother to go to the doctor with her husband and daughter. She stayed in the cabana at the pool instead and chose to harass them remotely via iPhone. Her kid’s finger didn’t need stitches, of course.

Back in Cabo for one last scene, Vicki and Tamra were having a romantic nighttime moment on their terrace when Vicki suddenly brought up the Friendship Contract Part Deux that she had requested earlier in the episode. Tamra was hung over and in disbelief that Vicki had been serious about the whole thing, but she managed to sputter out a few words about how she’ll always be there for Vicki and have her back, and she didn’t even tack “at least until this stupid TV show ends” onto the end. Vicki seemed satisfied that enough homage had been paid to her throughout the trip that it was time to forgive Tamra, but trust me, she’ll never forget. Vicki’s not the forgetting type, particularly not when an incident can be used to hold over someone’s head later.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

Melissa

At least the OC is better than Miami?

Gretchen thinks she is brilliant for her lease vs marriage idea. This is not an original thought. When I was 12 yrs old, my friend’s mom mad ethe same comment and I knew even then that spelled d-i-v-o-r-c-e (her parents got divorced the next yr and at the time, I didn’t have the heart to tell her the forshadowing of that comment).

Also, should it be a prerequisite for these ladies just to go ahead and sign a friendship contact when they sign their Bravo contracts?

Oh, and Peggy is a nickname for Margaret.

Melissa

Peggy is a nickname for Margaret.

Gretchen thinks she is so brilliant for her Lease idea. When I was 12, my friend’s mom made the comment that marriages should be more like renewable leases. I knew right then that her parents were headed for divorce (1.5 yrs later it was official).

Also, should Bravo just have these ladies sign friendship (or frenemy?) contracts along with their season contracts?

ninjaninja

I thought Gretchen’s dad was a total creeper too! It made me cringe to see him flirting with that waitress. You know how some say that women date their fathers…well, it looks like it’s true for Gretchen.

Kitty

There is something about peggy that makes her unlikable. I cannot put my finger on it. Also, from now on Peggy and her husband will put the postpartum depression into everything. The kid cut her finger and Peggy’s not well. Lets eat the sandwich Peggy’s postpartum may come back any minute. They will shamelessly milk it to show how interesting they are. Even such important topic can be make into someting they can use for their gain. Yeah right the magic herb and moon beams made her better. Aslo, Gretchen looks worse and worse each episode.

Gretchen’s makeup trowel is getting heavier and heavier as the season goes on.

PhotoGirl

Good heavens! While all of this was going on, I watched Another Network, where Mike Holmes rid a house of termites. I might have had the more enjoyable hour. :)

Scary to hear that Peggy is taking the Tom Cruise approach to her post partum issues. That is some major stuff, girlfriend. See. Your. Doctor. Preferably one with an MD behind their name.

AshleyG

This entire episode was creeptastic, right down to the Don look-a-like at the swim up bar. I do have one positive thing to say though- Peggy’s kids are really quite adorable. I did find it oddthat for all her spazzing out that she didn’t take Capri (later to be known as “Isle of Capri” at a Magic City near you) to the doctor. I’ve got the best dad ever but there’s no way my mom ( if the situation actually warranted a dr’s visit) would have left that up to him.

Mochababe73

Melissa is correct. Peggy is a nickname for Margaret.
Gretchen needs to let Slade go. She doesn’t want to marry him because she’s the breadwinner. Gretchen wants a rich man like Jeff whom I still think left her some money. How else would she be able to start her make-up and handbag line? And, the customer reviews on Shop NBC were not good.
I’m sick of hearing about Tamra and her va-jay-jay. I’ve read about vjj rejuvenation, and the thought of it makes my stomach turn. And, the cowboy reference wasn’t pretty either.
Peggy needs to see a therapist.
That maxi dress that Alexis wore on the first episode is from her new dress line. That I would wear. The others seem really too short.
Vicki should learn to relax.
And I want to start a petition to bring Lynn back. We need some comic relief.
I can’t wait to read what you have to say about the Miami housewives. I don’t know if I’m ready for 90 minutes of Cristy.

I’ve already started mentally preparing myself for 90 minutes of RHMIA tomorrow. I may not make it, but I’ll do my best. If you guys can’t find me on Tuesday, it’s because I’m hiding behind my couch in the fetal position.

mochababe73

LOL!

suz

In advance…..thank you for trying.

Stephanie

You poor thing. I honestly tried to watch RHMIA but 5 minutes in I threw in the towel. 90 minutes would make me suicidal or homicidal or both:) I’ll chip in for your therapy after this episode:)

Shannon

FACT!

Ruthie

The RHOC give me a headache. I watch every episode with a frown on my face. I think I watch because I can’t believe what I’m seeing or hearing. These women have entirely too much time on their hands! What losers.

I’m glad Peggy didn’t take her Capri to the emergency room–she was in no condition to drive. At least the father was calm about the whole thing. If this is the way Peggy behaves every time her child gets a “boo-boo”, she’s going to turn those sweet, young children into neurotic messes! Capri wasn’t even crying!

Vicki makes me N-U-T-S.

Anna

Capri cried more when they dumped the cold water on her…possibly an indication that the finger didn’t even hurt. From the previews, I thought she would have hemophilia and be bleeding from her butt or something…not just a tiny cut on her finger.

S

I didn’t mind the Tamra sex talk, although I think she talks a lot about sex to get extra attention. I think Gretchen does the same thing. But the most awkward moments were when Vicki brought up how she was “back stabbed” last year. She just kept bringing it up. And what is with Tamra? What self-respecting woman sits there and takes that? You shouldn’t need a billion apologies, the master suite and a letter to forgive someone. I agree with someone who had posted a while back that Tamra is Vicki’s bee-yotch. So strange. I feel Tamra just needs an allegiance with someone to be relevant on the show and she’s willing to be Vicki’s doormat for it.

Bridgette

This show is getting worse and worse, I now can’t wait for the day after the “Housewives” episodes so I can read the more entertaining blog on this website!!
I wonder what vitamins Peggy requested after having her plastic surgery? Or is that a special exception to her “anti-medical” rule?

Rebecca

Can someone please tell me how Tamara makes enough $ to go on trips, have her tatoos removed, etc.? I thought her and Simon were broke last season? I would be shocked if she made enough money from being a part-time realtor to support her and her 3 kids.

I think most of the housewives make between $100k and $150k per season of the show, so I’m sure that contributes to it. Also, I’m almost positive that Bravo picks up the check for vacations and trips taken as part of the show, meaning that Tamra didn’t fund the Cabo trip.

Hannah

i do know how in the WORLD you do recaps for Miami Housewives, so props to you for that! we need to set up a rehab fund for you for it!!

this OC episode was kind of sick. in a bad way. first off, she clearly has a problem with Postpartum and having it THIS long after her kids is downright scary. i dont get why she isnt getting actual meds for it! its almost like her husband enjoys being the ‘caretaker’ and having her keep that crutch!
and i downright cringed when the baby’s finger was bleeding and she was WIPING it over and over, almost like she wanted it to be worse than it was! you hold pressure and keep it there you moron!!! she makes mountains out of mole hills and YES you are sooo right about her poor name, Capri LOL!

tricia

Gretchen wasn’t married 2 times, it was only once cause she was only engaged to jeff that’s why she didn’t get much money. I wonder how vicki will be next season being that’s she’s been going through a divorce, I bet don won’t get anything.

Matthew

Peggy’s husband never should have taken the kid to the emergency room. He should have told her to shut up and sit down. The little girl was fine. He just feeds into Peggy’s issues.

Seejayluvsbags

Peggy is strange. I mean, in the beginning I thought she was cool but she isn’t so nice to look at on HD & I can’t understand how she nabbed her hubbie because he’s cute.

Gretchen is becoming more & more fake, unlikeable & predictable. I’m embarrassed for Slade because she’s clearly making an ass out of him. Alexis cannot be taken seriously & I suspect her husband feels the same way. Unbelieveably, I used to like Vicki before this episode but I’m finally convinced that she’s petty as hell. I’m happy for Tamara despite her vulgarity.

KaylaNiche

Great review as always, girl. This ep was boring, and I don’t know if it’s just me, but these girls are looking haggard! Their hair is starchy and stringy, faces are just beaten (not in a good way) down to the bone. Blechhh! And poor Peggy, clearly, she had mental issues even before the postpartum depression. Vicki (usually my fave) was supremely annoying in this ep. I’m actually happy for Tamra-I loved her one-on-one confessionals this episode. Hilarious.

Suzie Z

Such a snooze fest! Not nearly enough blog attention to the ridiculousness of Alexis having a dress line! What kind of psycho refers to herself in the 3rd person? Oh, and when the ‘business’ starts taking away time from Alpha Douche, it’s over? Come on! We all know what that means…built in excuse.

Ana

That “Pegatha” line just made my day! Love the recaps.

Suzie Z

Peggy is unstable, therefore ineligible for me to bash her. I must say, I’m not buying that the Bentley was a push present. Haven’t heard from our blogger, ‘Simon’, lately… Vicki was acting like Cynthia from RHATL with the friend contract. I’m guessing Andy Cohen is behind that. Someone mentioned that Gretchen’s look is off the rails, overboard. She’s right. Gretchen has the one things these ladies would sell their souls for ( ha, like they still have souls!) and that is youth!! She should stick to the natural look, too much makeup ages anyone. And Slade, eww, he is just slimey! It’s no coincidence that his name has the same letters. Tamra, Eddie is gay. Sorry, but he is.

Suzie Z

Yes, it was spam. Fast work, Amanda! I’ll refrain from responding and leave it up to you guys. Loooove your blog!!!

amy

I read an article recently on Trainwreck Reality shows,.. and Bravo proves my point….in other words: Better them than me (lets watch!),.. I didn’t get to watch the show but i did see the clip of the tequila shot (after reading this of course),..i was like wth! Did the producers say lets confuse the broads and ask them if they know to do a “proper shot”
I loved your statements about it. Hilarious!

Kjon

Peggy scares me a bit. She definitely needs more help than all holistic remedies, which I usually fully support. Her “system” may help keep her body healthy but its not going to eliminate that glaring mental problem. Not only did I see her furiously wiping at the little cut but did I see her nail dig into it at one point? I’m not trying to accuse her of anything but I agree that she wanted it to be a bigger deal, for whatever reason (probably attention).
Oh Alexis Alexis, she is a trip with the whole gender roles/religion thing. How much do you want to bet that “Alpha Douche” (funny!) is just twiddling his thumbs to pull the plug on her dress consulting project — because he can?
Good for Tamra on finding her man. Keep being outrageous.
I feel sorry for Vicki this season. In the case of Tamra (last season) and Camille (RHBH), divorce makes you act out at others close to you. She was probably really hurt by Tamra last season so her behavior on the Cabo trip made me sad for her.

Melissa

“How much do you want to bet that â€œAlpha Doucheâ€ (funny!) is just twiddling his thumbs to pull the plug on her dress consulting project â€” because he can?”

Great call! Exactly what that maniacal control freak is looking forward to doing!

JenG

I can understand Peggy’s behavior. I suffered from postpartum depression after my last child. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I don’t know if it takes that long to get past it, but it is no laughing matter. It is one of the worst feelings you could ever have. It is continual suffering and finding no relief. I hope Peggy gets better!

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Ruthie

Not too sure about Suzie Z’s comment about Eddie being gay. Just read on TheHollywoodGossip.com that Tamra said she considers Eddie her “soul mate” and they may be getting married within the year–AND are talking about adopting a child. Yawn.

I don’t get the gay vibe from him either. He’s just latin, which I think throws some people off.

adrienne z

I wanted to jump into the screen and show these 2 morons how to properly do the tequila sequence.

Honey

I think the RH jumped the shark with Miami; the OC has lost the fun, they edit for mean and nasty. The fun for me at the beginning was to see how the other side lives, the occasional conflict was schadenfreude, but it is getting ridiculous.

Manuela

I’m giving Peggy a pass for now; she’s clearly unwell and she’s upfront about it. I agree with previous posters that she’s leaning towards a little Munchausen’s by Proxy, and that’s where my pass will end. Peggy, don’t squeeze and nail-dig at a laceration. If you can’t help yourself in your panic, let your husband take over and get some professional help.

I used to like Gretchen and she still makes me laugh sometimes! But less liking and less laughing this time around. I think the bloom off the rose for her regarding Slade, as well it should be. Slade is a scumbag. We all know that if Gretchen were to dump him (when, more like), he’d go scuttling into Andy Cohen’s office pitching another “Date My Ex” season where he tries to get Jo back at the end. Or, maybe he’d surprise us all and try to seduce Peggy or the Brazilian lesbian. I’d believe anything of this idiot at this point.