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Friday, June 3, 2011

first impressions #2 - Transforming Silence

Our second submission of the month comes from Em Salgado. This is the first page of her YA Paranormal. My comments, as always, are in purple. Go here to see Dianne's comments.

April, 1992

“Excuse me, are you Jack Thorn?”

I turned around and there was a short, reed thin man staring at me with a timid look on his face, as if he was afraid I’d say no. Or was he afraid I’d say yes? I shrugged my shoulders and answered, (period, I think) “I am, and you are?”

He took a quick step forward, entering my personal space and making my defenses rise. (I don’t think you need this because we all know what happens when someone enters our space. or, better yet, show us what happens)His face gained a mischievous grin and he said, “My Queen wishes your company, if you’d just stand still a moment,” and with that he flicked his bony fingers in my face and I felt cold liquid (splashed maybe? Land seems a little weak. I’d like to see a stronger verb here.) landed in my eyes. And I shortened this up to cut to the chase.

“Hey what’s your problem?”

I rubbed (rubbed what? I’m guessing eyes but I think it should be clear) as a burning sensation went straight to my brain. My whole head felt on fire for a moment. Then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. I opened my eyes and looked around for the skinny jerk so I could punch him in the face, but he was gone seemed to be nowhere in sight.(rule #4: Use definite, concrete, specific language.) The sound of someone clearing their throat made me spin around. Oh, and those aren’t my rules, they’re rules I read on someone else’s blog.

Suddenly I was face to face with an emaciated, green colored thing that resembled the man from before. His thin smirk was creepy on his face, complete with pointed chin and skin that looked stretched so tight it might tear at any second. He put a bone thin finger to his lips and when he giggled the sound was harsh and biting like rocks crashing into each other. I think you could cut the word count in this paragraph to make this whole scene more immediate. Just a thought.

“If you talk to me now, people will think you’re crazy. Only you can see me at this point in time. Follow me for answers, or stay here looking like you’ve seen a ghost. The choice is yours.” Now we’re getting somewhere :)

The only other thing I'll say is that few people would be eager to follow some creepy green guy unless given a very good reason. You might want to hint at what sort of answers green guy is offering in order to make the reader believe that that the mc would follow. On the other hand, your page two might very well address that so... take anything I've said with that in mind. And remember, this is a single opinion only. Dianne may have something entirely different to say.

WEST OF PARADISE

In which Jack and Katherine find out that traveling to the past - 1881 to be exact - isn't nearly as much fun as they thought it would be...

first impressions

I have teamed up with Dianne Salerni and Krystalyn Drown to critique the first page of your unpublished manuscript on the first Monday of every month. If you're interested, please email Me or Dianne. We promise to be nice :)

Please, write 'first impressions' in the subject line, and paste your submission into the body of the email - no attachments. We'll also happily link to your blog, website, what have you, and would love a pic, either of you or something appropriate to your work, and that you have the rights to. Thank-you! Critiques help all of us.

FAQs

1. A page is about 350-400 words2. Prologue or first chapter? Send what you would query an agent or editor with.3. Will we rip your work apart? Absolutely not. We do our best to be kind and helpful.

you:

me:

Marcy S. Hatch, author of West of Paradise (think Tombstone meets Romancing the Stone) from WiDo publishing. I live in Midcoast Maine. I can walk downtown to the Damariscotta River and the award winning Maine Coast Bookshop, which has a webcam on its roof and a cafe on the sidewalk. If you want to see what my town looks like from up there, double click on the door below and you'll get a bird's eye view.

If you are a new author I would be happy to post a pic/link of your upcoming novel and interview you if you're interested. Don't be shy! Click on contact :)