Now It Can Be Told: The Stunning Truth Behind The Stranger’s Brutal Newsroom Purge!

So, after six years on staff, Dom has left The Stranger to spend more time with his family or something. Good for him. Unlike me, at least he got to walk out on his own two feet instead of being carted off the premises in the trunk of a Cadillac DTS and unceremoniously dumped in the Meadowlands.

But Dom’s sudden departure has people asking questions. In a span of only nine months, first Cienna, then me, now Dom have all been scrubbed from the paper’s masthead. Of The Stranger’s four-person Pulitzer prize-winning news team, only Eli remains.

Cunning, devious, ruthless Eli.*

Eli (left) has finally purged The Stranger of his rivals.

Now that the Great Purge is complete, the truth can be told: The Stranger’s news department has been reshaped by a brutal internal power struggle, engineered by the Machiavellian mastermind that is Eli Sanders—or, “the Butcher of Barca” as he’s fearfully known in the office. Don’t let his mild-mannered demeanor fool you; it’s all an act. The man is vicious. You should see what he did to his boyfriend—nearly ripped the poor guy’s arms off!

Eli is a monster. And now he’s ruling The Stranger news department with an iron fist. Just like he long plotted.

So beware, Anna and Ansel: the warm embrace of Eli’s carefully crafted cult of personality can be intoxicating. But dare challenge his boundless ambition and you too could soon find yourself stumbling through the muck of a New Jersey swamp, desperately trying to pluck an ice pick from your back.

UPDATE: Honestly, folks, get a sense of humor. It was joke. Really. Eli Sanders is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Well at least we’ve finally got to the bottom of why Dominic left (or was pushed out (or had to leave because he’d become a danger to profits (or that small matter of the underage intern))). yep.. all wrapped up in a neat little pack..age.

@19 dammit Goldy(!) if you keep directly eliminating possibilities like that it’ll eventually leave us to the answer. (“Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” yadda-yadda)

Next you’ll be providing evidence that Christopher Frizzelle hasn’t been receiving ‘donations’ from ALEC

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