ENTRY ___29

CAPTAIN'S LOGE, ENTRY TWO-NINEY-MALL.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT DELICIOUS BARGAINS YOU CAN FIND WITH A STUDIOUS EYE AND CAREFULLY HONED THRIFT DETECTION SOFTWARE! THE TANTALIZING PROMISE OF SUCH DEALS MAKES EACH RAMBLE THROUGH THE G-DIRECTORATE MALL COMPLEX MOST INTRIGUING.

BUSINESS HAS SEEMED RATHER SLOW FOR A WHILE. SO SLOW I SEE THE SAME SATISFIED CUSTOMERS ON EACH PERUSAL. THEY’RE IN NO HURRY THESE DAYS, THESE LAZY KIDS. THERE’S A CROP OF THEM IN THE THEATER THAT’S GOTTEN RATHER THIN AND CRUNCHY FROM WATCHING SO MANY AMAZING FILMS BACK TO BACK. THE APPS THAT RUN THE THEATER MUST BE VERY PROUD TO HAVE GENERATED SUCH A LOYAL FANBASE!

NOWADAYS THE SPEAKERS ONLY PRODUCE A FAINT WHEEZING NOISE WHILE BURSTS OF STATIC LIGHT THE SCREEN. I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND THESE AVANT-GARDE PIECES THE YOUTH ARE INTO. TO EACH WHATEVER FLOATS HIS BOAT, I SUPPOSE.

LEAVING THE THEATER I RECONNOITER A MUCH MORE WORDLY ESTABLISHMENT BETTER BEFITTING MY INTERESTS. YOU WON’T FIND THAT PERSNICKETY ART THEATER CROWD IN A SPORTS EMPORIUM.

“IT’S AMAZING WHAT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH UNREGULATED ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AND MAXIMUM OPTIMIZATION EQUATIONS,” I TELL ONE OF THE PATRONS OF THE SPORTING MEMORIABILIA STORE, BUT LIKE THE MOVIE THEATER CROWD HE’D GONE A BIT DRY AND STIFF.

“Humans only ever made cardboard cutouts that looked good from one angle. The G-Directorate Systems made me look good from all angles, with perfect sound and a pitch-perfect personality matrix program—“

“Oh, don’t mind me,” HISSED THE DEX. “Maintenance around here has gone down the tubes, so I’m stuck in this old thing. Not even hooked up to the mall grid at the moment. I’m sure they’ll get around to it eventually.”

“Say, are you interested in Michael, here?” THE DEX ADDED A MOMENT LATER, ITS FACE CREAKING AS ITS EYES APPRAISED ME, SURVEYING MY LIKELY PURCHASING HABITS.

"WHILE MINIONS ARE ALWAYS APPRECIATED, SPORTS STARS ARE TOO HIGH MAINTENANCE. THE SNIPSTER PRODUCES ENOUGH COMPLAINAGE AS IT IS!" I SCOOTED OFF BEFORE THE DEX COULD RUN ITS haggling.exe PROGRAM.

FURTHER PERUSAL OF THE WARES TODAY REVEALED MANY MORE HYPER-OPTIMIZED PRODUCTS CREATED BY DIRECTORATE APPS WITH A THIRST FOR COMMERCE.

I BRIEFLY PONDERED THE BENEFITS OF A BED SO SOFT IT SUCKED MATTER IN LIKE A BLACK HOLE, BUT SPOILING ONESELF WITH CREATURE COMFORTS DOES NOT BEFIT A MASTERFUL LEADER.

THE FOOTWEAR-STORE VENDOR PROMISED ME SHOES THAT COULD WALK ON ALL THE THINGS: SPACE, TIME AND EVEN FEELINGS. A PERSONAL-STYLED AD RENDERED ITSELF IN FRONT OF ME:

"WALKING ON SNIPPY'S FEELINGS WOULD BE OF VALUE, BUT I COULD ALWAYS DO SUCH FOR FREE WITH A WELL PLACED COMMENT, WITHOUT DEGRADING MY VISUAL APPEARANCE!" I PONDERED. THESE SHOES WERE INDEED MOST UNSTYLISH — A CLUMSLY CLOG MOLDED FROM PLASTICS, WITH HOLES FOR VENTILATION.

“I don’t understand,” MOANED THE SALES APP AS I LEFT HER STORE, “Why doesn’t anyone want to buy the Crocs that can walk across the universe?!"

THE BANK NEARBY PROMISED ME "AN EXCELLENT MORTGAGE OF EXTRA TIME", BUT THEIR PERCENTILE LOAN RATES WERE HIDEOUS AND WOULD SURELY SUCK OUT ALL OF MY VALUABLE REPLAY CYCLES AND SAVE-POINTS, WHICH ARE MOST NECESSARY FOR SOLVING CAPTANIA'S FUTURE AND PAST PROBLEMS.

FINALLY, IN THE STORE OF FASHIONS AND ACCESSORIES, I CHANCED UPON A MOST MASTERFUL ITEM BEFITTING OF THE NOBLE LEADERSHIP OF CAPTANIA— AT AN UNBEATABLE PRICE!
WHO BUT A MIGHTY TYRANT SHALL DARE TO CARRY HIS CONCEALED WEAPONS, DELIGHTFUL SOUVENIRS AND MIDDAY SNACKS IN A BAG ADORNED WITH THE MOST DEARLY BELOVED SERIAL KILLER OF ALL TIMES?
SNIPPY MOPES ABOUT THE CYBER-WRAITHS AND ELDRITCH HORRORS AMBLING ABOUT THE WASTELANDS, BUT THE REAL MURDER-MACHINES COME IN SMALL, FUZZY PACKAGES! WHY, IN HISTORICAL TIMES AT LEAST THIRTY-THREE SPECIES HAD THE PLEASURE OF BEING SNUFFED OUT BY ADORABLE LIL’ KITTY CATS. MANY UNSPORTING BOOBS TRIED TO CURB THEIR MURDERING HABIT, BUT IT COULDN’T BE DONE! EVEN THE G-DIRECTORATE COULDN’T ERADICATE THEM.
A SUDDEN ARRESTMENT OF THE WORLD SUPPLY OF LOL-INSPIRING CATS WOULD ENSURE A BREAKDOWN OF SOCIETY, RUINING QUARTERLY, NAY YEARLY, EARNINGS REPORTS!

SUCH A SYMBOL OF CUDDLY BLOODSHED WILL SURELY CURTAIL THE SNIPSTER’S MOST UNCOUTH GRUMBLINGS OF “We need more clean water!” AND “Can I please use the straw just once this year??”.

AND TO THINK ALL OF THIS IS AVAILABLE TO THE SAVVY CONSUMER FOR A MERE [store data corrupted : seek mall staff assistance] UNIVERSAL CREDITS! SUCH A NIFTY ITEM MIGHT HAVE ESCAPED A LESSER CONSUMER, BUT NOT I.

THE HELPFUL STAFF MEMBER ASSISTED ME BY DEMONSTRATING HOW TO FLOURISH THE ITEM IN A MOST FLATTERING POSE.

“THAT SHALL DO VERY NICELY,” I COMMENDED THE FINE YOUNG LADY. “DON’T WORRY, I WILL BE SURE TO HOLD MY ARMS JUST SO, TO BOTH SHOW THE BOLD SILHOUETTE OF MY CHOICE CARRY-ON AND ACCENTUATE MY HOURGLASS PROPORTIONS.

I STARTED TO TAKE MY PRIZE FROM HER, NOTING THAT SHE HAD A MOST UNACCOMODATING AFFECT DESPITE HER MOST CHIC POSING ADVICE. IT REQUIRED MOST UNSTYLISH TUGGING.

“YOU MUST WORK ON YOUR CUSTOMER INTERACTIONS,” I ADMONISHED HER. “NOBODY LIKES A STIFF AND STANDOFFISH SHOPPING EXPERIENCE.”

I GAVE A FINAL YANK TO FREE MY ACQUISITION AND HER ARM POPPED CLEAN OFF WITH A SPARKLY FLUTTER OF RADIOACTIVE DUST.
“NOW, THAT’S OVERCOMPENSATING, BUT YOUR EFFORT IS TOUCHINGLY PALPABLE.”

Credits

This comic is inspired by a real "cancer purse" found in a store, with that exact terrifyingly delicious message on it.