You walk down the street, maybe in London, Paris and Rome – well, of course, not all at the same time.

You look out of your spacious and luxurious apartment in Manhattan, Unter den Linden or Mahim.

You are cycling slowly along the streets of Amsterdam, Bonn or Zurich.

Got the picture?

Now repeat the exercise, only this time make a conscious effort to pick out couples of older people who may also be out taking a stroll, shooting the breeze or rocking the gange – okay, maybe not in London, but you get the picture.

Have you gotten what it is yet?

Right! Bang on the money, honey.

Just where are all the couples of tall old people? WHOOSH!

Good question, right question. So, let’s look at big details in the big analytics of the big data.

Hand on heart, I can honestly state that big scientific Big Data analysis has revealed that there are very few taller older women – little men and women form the overwhelming majority, to the tune of 95,9915645289% (Source: Diese Zahl ist nicht verifizierten).

Wow, that’s amazing, isn’t it. A very reliable quoted German source and all. I bet you are sitting there all gobsmacked. Like as if you just had a super bowl moving Big Data epiphany; metaphorically, that is.

So what is going on there?

Again, conspiracy theory, big data analysis and good ole cracker-barrel common-sense pragmatism indicates that the short people are knocking off the tall people, or summit, and at an outrageously alarming rate, all over the civilised world. So much so, that very few tall people now reach what we in the trade call ‘old age’. It’s alarming, but true.

I know, I know, I hear you, I hear you, you want me to tell you it ain’t so, but I can’t, I have ten partners and 250 kids to feed, and Big Data flimflam is my only source of visible income, so… suck it up…

Sometime after I was born I encountered good fortune when I least expected it. At age seven I could have played for the New York Knicks or the Philadelphia 76ers. However, I got wise to it, the whole bad mojo, the massive uncool vibes, and the “I shouldn’t even be here today” mentality, and all thanks to big Big Data.

I got wise to the “tall and old” existential issue, and through a combination of intelligent redesign, positive feedback thinking, Facebook likes and faith based build-up workouts, I was able to reduce my loftiness (my vertical carbon figure-print) and the vertically-challenging growth projections to a level that would ensure my longer term, forward-reaching and sustainable growth and survival.

Which is amazing, with a capital M. Yes, ladies and gentleman, BD’s on the block and the roofs on fire. So let’s party like it’s BD 99.

Which leads me to this question.

With all the available evidence of Big Data’s value at out disposal why do I still get harangued by party-poopers who have the bare-faced cheek to ask me “and, what has Big Data ever done for humanity?”

Well, bugger that… let ‘em eat cake.

By the way, did you know that Sigmund Freud was a great basketball player? It’s miraculous what one can do with Big Data.

Finally, a take away. If you are planning on laying a new lawn this next weekend remember the golden rule of that famous NYC entrepreneur and Big Data tycoon Vincent ‘Vinnie’ Antonelli: “Green side up, fellas! Green side up!”