Monday, May 4, 2015

Soft Target / Crooked (USA, 2006)

To put it
bluntly, Soft Target — aka Crooked — isn't exactly a masterpiece
of action. True, we did enjoy watching it — what male isn't made happy by
naked love pillows (plastic or not) and shooting guns and an occasional hearty
belly-laugh? — but never once did the movie ever transcend the level of low
grade sub-mediocrity that every scene, every aspect of the movie, exudes.

Admittedly, we
did have hopes, at first, for despite the flimsy familiarity of the plot — to
quote imdb: "two police
detectives must protect a beautiful call girl from mob hitmen and a crooked cop"
— the lineup of headlining names is impressive. But, at the latest, when the
great Fred Williamson, as Dt. Jack Paxton, exits five minutes into what is at
best a glorified guest appearance (done either as a favor or to pay a bar tab),
we knew we had once again popped a loser into the DVD player. Luckily, however,
the loser of a film was at least entertainingly funny, if always
unintentionally... and there's nothing we like more than a crappy film that's
funny crap.

Our first laugh
came when the Afro-American dude (Maurice Lamont) staked
out in front of the hotel actually said "Two years more and I'm out."
We knew then and there he would die — and two minutes later, he did, along with
Fred Williamson and some dozen others, in a hail of bullets. And though the
face of the crooked cop is never shown, the early voiceover opening the movie
already reveals the mystery — and thus renders the whole "Who could it
be?" aspect of the movie a farce.

Hero Number One,
Danny Tyler (Don 'The Dragon' Wilson of Night
Hunter [1996 / trailer])
shows up a minute later, in a bar scene that looks tacked on from another movie,
and soon thereafter he, the by-the-book man, gets partnered by Chief John Rouse
(Gary Busey of Piranha 3DD[2012], A Crack in the Floor
[2001] and The Gingerdead Man [2005
/ trailer])
with the break-the-rules man Phil Yordan (Olivier Gruner) to find Angel (DianaKauffman,
of Ted Bundy [2002 / trailer]
and Glass Trap [2005 / trailer]),
the hooker with plastic mammaries who saw it all. (Kauffman, by the way, followed
this flick with an appearance in the video World's
Sexiest Nude Women [2007], where everything she has totally pales in
comparison to Erica Campbell's
100% naturals.) That the hooker also has a heart of gold is of course to be
expected, as Soft Target is not only
very much by-the-number but a romantic interest is needed for Danny the Dragon
and his dragon. Mr. Break-the-Rules, on the other hand, has a stewardess at
hand — and a very well-earning one, too, going by the look of her house.

The high points
of the movie, if not the most professionally executed, are indeed the silicone
mountains, which are displayed in longer nude scenes than are normal for
contemporary flicks of this ilk. Likewise, we do admit having a soft spot that
gets hard for Olivier Gruner (of Re-Generator
[2010 / trailer],
Nemesis [1992 / trailer]
and Savate [1995 / French trailer),
who gets naked for a tub scene but, regrettably, totally fails to deliver the full
frontal we've dreamt of for years. The fight scenes, on the other hand, are far
between and all extremely disappointing and disjointed affairs that fail to
deliver any thrill, and while the background is filled with oddly familiar
faces — Martin Kove and Bret Roberts, for example — they are not really given
all that much to do.

There really
isn't anything to recommend about the Soft
Target in regard to drama, tension, acting, narrative, direction or even
action, but we did laugh a lot — deep, heartfelt belly laughs that only true
jokes and religious people can normally give rise to. We don't watch many
action films, but of all those that we have, this is probably one of the most
cheap-looking, badly acted ones yet — it makes The Tracker
(2000), for example, look like a masterpiece of cinema in comparison.

Hampered with its
dull, poorly executed fight scenes and unfocused shootouts, a love-story subplot
as convincing as plastic flowers, and way toooooo much background character
information (hooker with heart of gold, straight cop with a corrupt suicide dad
cop, etc.), Soft Target is truly a
fiasco of an action film. Were it not that it kept us laughing, we'd probably
be yelling for the director's head. But it did keep us laughing, and is you
have an appreciation for the absurd, the stupid, the bad— Look! Don in a Tree! Look, the hooker loves Don! Watch her run
away instead of back in the house! Look! Look! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! — Soft Target might make you laugh, too.

On the other
hand, you might just see it as the piece of low-grade, sorry-ass shit it is. A
wasted cast, if you get down to it, and though everyone involved has done
worse, they have also all done better — and could and should do better.

Note:

Hi there. This blog is about obscure, trashy, fun, bad and fabulous films. Therefore, this blog is likely to contain "adult" material such as images of blood, guts, nekkid wimin and even — GASP! — penis. If you are offended by the sight of such things, we advise you leave this blog and go here instead.Please be forewarned that A Wasted Life, as life is apt to be, may not be suitable for under-age readers and/or workplace viewing. Reader discretion is advised.Furthermore, we take no responsibility for any of the links found on this blog. So if you click on one, you take full responsibility for your decision to do so no matter whether you are suddenly confronted by Donald Duck, clean-shaven clinical detail, gushing salamis, Trojans from Russia or whatever.Feel free to use anything found on this blog – our only contingency is that you should give proper credit and (if possible) add a link to A Wasted Life.Peace, love and Bobby Sherman.

About Me

An accidental ex-pat that has enjoyed the city of Berlin for over 30 years shares his extensive knowledge and personal opinions on the films that he has and still is wasting his life on by watching.
For more insight into his fabulously normal life, choose one of the blogs below that fits the topic you want to read about. And remember: it's not life that sucks, it's your life that sucks.

LOLOL funny shit! really enjoyed this. i just downloaded this movie and now I wonder — why the heck did i waste my bandwith. Ur comments are funny as hell. Do u have any comments on the recent beowulf and grendel flicks? [Anonymous (rajivness@gmail.com) @ Beowulf]

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.[Graciela @ Come Back, Charleston Blue]