Marge: Do you
want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male
stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Oh,
Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now
let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV...
is.

Homer: But
every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember
that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Operator!
Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Okay,
brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this
thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer:
But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a
picture?

Old man: Take
this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer:
Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd
step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)

Getting out of
jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all
races.

Oh,
yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs
with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Homer: When I
first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would
be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark
and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Ah,
good old trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

Marge: Homer,
did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we
did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Donuts. Is
there anything they *can't* do?

(praying): Dear
Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk
and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign
whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).

What's
the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

The three
little sentences that will get you through life:
1. Cover for me.
2. Oh, good idea, Boss!
3. It was like that when I got here.

A
cool ball gathers no gutters

Lenny: Hey,
Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I
love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Does
whisky count as beer?

Homer: (On
George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became
deeply cynical.

Ah
beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will.

"If you
really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're
about to announce the lottery numbers."

Marge, the
reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!"

"I want to
share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through
life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

I
know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, Please
Superman help me!

"Marge,
don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

Kids, you tried
your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

"Don't let
Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that.
Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

Don't
mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.

"We live
in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police
Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did
you?"

I'd
say you're a lying scumbag.

"You
couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an
electrified fooling machine."

We monorail
conductors are a crazy breed!

"I saw
this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its
speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was
called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"Now
son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake
IDs."

"Marge, it
takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"To
alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!"