Sunday, April 30, 2006

i didn't know that when one can't move on, it's a terrible thing. it is even worse when someone doesn't seem to want to move on. i really hope that one day, you will be able to move on, break out of the circle that is surrounding u now. it's not very wise to keep harping on the past, or even think that u are to blame for things that are beyond your control. as a fren, i can only help this much, i don't even know how to help, just that, u have to break free one day. pls do, because, i think it would be much better for u. hope that one day, u will have the strength to persue what u want, and really, break free.

it's not easy to break free from things. no matter what kind of things, love, death, relationships, people, depression, failures... and i realise that i'm strong. and glad that i'm strong. it's not presumptous, just the understanding and acknowledgement that i can cope with alot of things. God wants me to be strong, so i can be there for people. perhaps, i have met death a few times, not that i want to, i happen to face it. and it makes me stronger, because, i know how to cope with it. the point is, i believe everyone can overcome anything, just to have the willpower to do it, anything can be resolved i guess. internal turmoil too, meet it with a happy front, and i guess, one can do it. stay strong.

kind of down, my entries... haha, i'm alright, just have these thoughts after chatting with frens. i'm an optimistic person, so, it takes quite a bit to get me down. sounds arrogant, big? hmm, that's just me....

perpetual sianzness is engulfing me. don't know why. just that, when something reaches a zenith, it is meant to stay there? well, i just wonder, when 2 people reach a point in time, where simply there's nothing much to talk abt, is it because, they are good frens who understands one another? well, i agree with that. when 2 people are really good frens. hmm, just feel that perhaps, there's really nothing much to talk abt anymore, is it because we are taking things for granted? perhaps, or just that, we are only meant that much for each other? or, i'm thinking too much abt sutff again? human relationships, is so difficult to guage, esp. with communication. well, perhaps, people are just like that, there's really no point to talking so much, just comfortable silence? i don't know. just know that, silence is sometimes nice too.

haha... weird entry today. talking abt things. have not done that in a long time. well, maybe i'm reverting back to a more me? or perhaps, it's really just circumstances, i guess.

yeah, i really hope exams end soon!

Westlife - If I Let You Go

Day after dayTime passed awayAnd I just can't get you off my mindNobody knows, I hide it insideI keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show to letting you knowI've never felt so much love beforeAnd once again I'm thinking aboutTaking the easy way out

But if I let you goI will never knowWhat my life would be holding you close to meWill I ever see you smiling back at me?oh yeahHow will I knowif I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself sayWhy can't this feeling just fade awayThere's no one like you (no one like you)You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)It's such a shame we're worlds apartI'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to loseBut sooner or later I gotta choose

And once again I'm thinking aboutTaking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never knowWhat my life would be, holding you close to meWill I ever see you smiling back at me?(oh yeah) How will I knowif I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby OoooooooohhhhhOnce again I'm thinking aboutTaking the easy way out Ooooooooohhhhh

But if I let you go I will never knowWhat my life would be, holding you close to me (close to me)Will I ever see you smiling back at me?(oh yeah)How will I know( if I let you go?)

But if I let you go I will never know (oh baby)Will I ever see you smiling back at me?(oh yeah)How will I knowif I let you go ?

Saturday, April 29, 2006

my grandma is in hospital now. the thing is, her headache is not gone yet, and without the cardiologist, it's impossible to know what's wrong. and the cardiologist will only be in on the 2nd May, and my ah mah has to stay till tuesday. =( sianz.... i don't like the hospital. i know my ah mah doesn't like it either. it's, hiaz, i don't know what to say. i just hope that everything will turn out fine. hopefully, no danger of stroke of anything. =(

i don't know why, i always happen to be the one to accompany my ah mah in any case of emergencies. i'm scared most of the time, scared that i don't know how to deal with the situation, scared of hospital protocol, scared that i can't handle alot of things. perhaps, i'm taking things too seriously, but she's my ah mah, i have to take things seriously. a lot of times, i maintain a strong front, for everybody. my mum, aunties, everyone, but inside, i'm crying out too. HELP! i can pretend everything's alright. pushing my fears away, thinking that i am ok, that i can handle. i know i can, just that sometimes, i wish, i can talk abt it, abt my fears, to someone, so that i'm not that scared alone. sigh.

i've been procrastinating for a long time. today, i went to pack my notes, and guess what? i panicked. yeah, when i saw how thick the notes have become. the thing is, the notes look absloutely brand new. haha. i have much work to catch up on. then, i went to look at the questions, and i breathed a sigh of relief. the questions are answerable in my opinion so far, the problem is cramming all into my brain, which does not seem to want to work. so, i really hope that i will not forget anything!!! good luck to me...

was supposed to go for kbox with my sis today. then, she missed her queue no while at the polyclinic, and i have to miss my klunch. sigh. was looking forward to it. but it's ok, i can then study, yeah, how to? when i'm online now... haha... i will try to do at least one essay, i must!!

have u ever thought somehow that u don't deserve to be feeling so happy because others are not? this thought has been on my mind this couple of days, and somehow, i can't brush it off. quite dumb to have this thought, since different things make different ppl happy, and that different derive happiness from different stuff they do. essentially, everyone's not the same. sometimes, it's not easy to reconcile mixed feelings together and that when one can do it, i feel that they have understand what i'm trying to bring across. differentiation. then, it's really good for them. hope that one day, i can stop being so hard on myself. but then, it's hard to do that, have been doing that all my life. so, jiayou in that... but i think that it's not feasible to be soft on oneself, one tend to take alot of things for granted and that in itself is kind of arrogant? haha, that's just what i think....

anyway, must really get to my exercise regime. been eating, and eating, and basically, just getting fat!!! aargh!!!! where have my motivation for exercies went to? complacency!! after i slimmed down, just basically stop exercising. ok, gonna start today then, skipping and jumping jacks!!!!!! i must lose weight!!!!! haha, ok.... point taken.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

slacking like nobody's shit!! sigh, really gotta start studying soon. yeah, home is nice, full of wonderful distractions, lappy, piano, tv, food, the kind of life, yeah. sometimes, feel guilty, cos many of my frens are still having exams. it's gonna be over soon, hang on!

went for kbox yesterday. wow, my sis and her fren are serious singers... full of passion... haha.... different ppl really do have different styles... then i played pool for the first time.... hmm, it's definitely a challenging game, and i prefer to hold the ball and throw rather than pushing it with a stick... haha.... all in all, had fun!

hmm.... brought my cousins out for lunch today. treat them cos i lost a bet with them... haha, hiaz, i think i'm not a v nice person sometimes, show my bad temper, because i don't really like it when things don't go according to my plan and i will tend to show my temper or sianz mood. sigh, i hope i can retify this rather selfish behaviour, because they do do nice stuff for me... shall try my best...

feeling a little bothered by this thing, yet not really. because i know i trust u. but the thing is, it's kind of hard not to think otherwise, and i don't want to think that it's happening. because, it's a dumb behaviour and i hate it. and i don't know why am i minding this so much, where i should not. and even it's happening, there's really nothing i can do, yeah, but to say, i'm wrong all this while. sianz. and perhaps, i can stop caring one day. yeah.

ok, i hope i can go studying soon. but kind of hard, when i'm mapling now, with jiaming. haha. at least not so boring.

Monday, April 24, 2006

today was my last core mod... stats... hmm, well, it wasn't a difficult paper, to be honest. just need more time? it was quite sucky while i was doing the paper. don't know why, i was so distracted. damn. anyway, yeah, i did my best, even though i know it wasn't my best. sigh. i hate it when i know how to do, but just lack of timing... i hope that it is not that high a standard overall... yeah, kind of an evil thought, but just that yeah... otherwise, i think it will be quite a fatal death.

hmm.... bought my mom's mother's day present. it's this watch from 25 hrs. that's why i'm smiling again. because, my parents are on talking terms, and i got a nice gift for my mom and watched a nice movie today. the setinel! it's abt this agent from the secret service who got framed for an assassination attempt on the president. then, this guy had an affair with the first lady, and whose best fren is investigating the alleged assassination attempt. it's a real nice movie. the plot is not slow moving. and it's not boring! perhaps, i've not watched movies for a long time, therefore, the rather much praises heaped on it.

Everybody's got something they have to leave behindOne regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with timeThere's no use looking back or wonderingHow it could be now or might've beenAll this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true 'til the day that I found youEven though I pretend that I've moved onYou'll always be my babyI never found the words to sayYou're the one I think about each dayAnd I know no matter where life takes me toA part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory I've lost all sense of timeAnd tomorrow can never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mindThere's no use looking back or wonderingHow it should be now or might've beenAll this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come trueTil the day that I found youEven though I pretend that I've moved onYou'll always be my babyI never found the words to sayYou're the one I think about each dayAnd I know no matter where life takes me toA part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my headYes you will, say you will, you know you will, oh babyYou'll always be the one I know I'll never forgetThere's no use looking back or wonderingBecause love is a strange and funny thingNo matter how I try and tryI just can't say goodbyeNo, no, no, no

I never had a dream come trueTil the day that I found youEven though I pretend that I've moved onYou'll always be my babyI never found the words to sayYou're the one I think about each dayAnd I know no matter where life takes me toA part of me will always beA part of me will always be with you

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Billie Piper - Something Deep InsideC’mon c’mon (remix) C’mon c’mon Something deep inside The first time that it crossed my mind I kept on pushin' it aside It’s such a strong emotion Second time was plain to see This feeling rushing over me Oh yeah… And unknown to me (unknown to me)This chemistry is Something deep inside CHORUS: I can feel but I can’t touch Can never get too much I hear you loud and clear I’ve got nothing to fear Your love will be my guide I've never been this satisfied It’s something deep inside C’mon c’mon The third time was just as sweet Boy you make my life complete Every thought and motion It’s hard just telling you Everything I feel is true Oh yeah… And unknown to me (unknown to me) This chemistry is Something deep inside CHORUS C’mon c’mon It’s crossed my mind It’s crossed my mind So if you follow emotion The love and devotion you’ll find…… CHORUS x 3 to fade

Friday, April 21, 2006

What makes this world go roundWill the answer let her downShe is so sweet and youngAnd her life has just begun

What does her future hold that's the story left unknownWill she make it through her days, let our love lead the way

Part of me laughs (ooooh)Part of me criesPart of me wants to question why (question why)What good is their joyAnd why is there pain (ooh)No matter what we must go onJust keep the faithAnd let love lead the way

Everthing will work out fineIf you let love, love lead the way

Sitting there all aloneIn the window of her roomWatching the world go byBrings tears to her eyes

All she sees is hurt and pain, she wants to break the chainShe'll keep pressing everyday and she'll find her own sweet way

Part of me laughs (me laughs)Part of me cries (I cry)Part of me wants to question why (wants to question why)One day you're here (you're here)Next you are gone (you're gone)No matter what we must go on (I will go on)Just keep the faith (keep your faith)And let love lead the way (I know, I know, I know, ooh whoa)

You can be all that and still can be who you areYou gotta know for sure that it isn't make believeYou may feel weak but you are strongDon't you give up ifIf you keep holding on, you'll never be wrongJust close your eyes cause it lies deep in your heart, yeah

Part of me laughsPart of me cries (I cry)Part of me wants to question why (question)One day you're here (you're here)Next you are gone (you're gone)No matter what we must go on (I will)Just keep the faithAnd let love lead the way (lead the way)

Everthing will work out fineIf you let love, love lead the wayLove lead the way

i like the david tao song, "love, is very simple". that's why i know why u laugh when u say u like the song. i also like the song on pei shan's blog. they consist of very contrasting lyrics, however, along the same lines. either u go with it, or not. there's no such thing as ambiguity or even uncertainty. haha... why did i mention it?? been thinking abt lots of stuff these few days. the usual stupid thoughts. and i have a sudden realisation.

number 1it's stupid to think so much.

number 2it's stupid to think someone actually cares for u in that way when it is not explicitly shown.

number 3it's actually very normal for frens to chat late into the night everyday.

number 4it's stupid to hope for something when there's nothing to hope for.

number 5it's very stupid to keep talking abt giving up when there's nothing to give up.

number 6it's very stupid to think i am so important.

number 7it's stupid to think of the feelings fading away when there's nothing to fade away.

hmm.... the magic number 7... haha.... ok, after so much stupidity, what am i gonna do? hiaz. after so many months then i realise that in all situations, the main thing is not to think so much. yeah, so gonna practise this policy of thinking straight. life's simpler ain't it?

hesistation. ambiguity. care. concern. all thrown out of the window!!

remaining. emptiness. peace within.

come what may. i can handle it. because, i'm siim ann.

this blog has serve its purpose for quite some time. time to move on. the day will come soon. =)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

i've just realised that all my entries are starting off rather boring. i just finished blah blah blah paper. hmm, but i guess, it's normal. what's not? ok, anyway, just had my FM paper. rather glad that i can answer the questions, even though not all of them though. gave it my best shot and felt quite good abt it. however, just kind of irritated as the whole cohort will probably do well, and perhaps, just moderate down everyone's marks. well, that's how the system works, and i have to accept it. have it my best shot, and hope for the best. =)

think it was quite well worth it, not sleeping early. read some stuff that are important. haha, so, well. i don't even know why am i mentioning this, but i shall. kind of weird that u msg me to wen4 hou4 me. it's weird, cos u have never done that b4. yupz, anyway, very nice of u to ask. =)

felt like crying last night. the reason is quite stupid. because, i want to sleep, yet i can't. the rather desperation was kind of disturbing. crying because i can't sleep?! its my fault really, cry for what? haha, but i didn't. anyway, was kind of touched after he msg, cos, i teared. what a wuss. anyway, know how it feels to like someone? when that person msg u, talk to u, or u are just thinking abt that special someone, u will just smile to oneself rather secretly. just that sweet feeling inside. it's gone now. and i don't know why. am i sad? not really. just this feeling that it has ended. that it's just that kind of thing that happens once.

am i trying to make things up? or denying stuff? or just trying to block out. the thing is i don't think so. am i fickle-minded? hmm... it's been quite long already. 6 months. and i didn't even have that jolt when u talked to me last night. and i didn't even feel anything when u didn't have lunch with us. no disappointment or anything. hmm, it's cos of exams? perhaps. i don't know. and it doesn't really matters anymore. =)

played bridge today. hiaz, sianz, got that feeling like u are doing something wrong, cos it's exams. haha... had a nice time though. maybe can have a bridge session one day. haha...

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

hmm.... had mkting paper today. well, i think i'm gonna be truthful for once and face the music. usually after a paper, when i gave my best despite not studying much for it, i wld just tell myself, it's not that bad. should be able to make it. however, for this paper, i don't even want to lie to myself any longer, it's bad and i know it. just have to accept that i did not do well for it, am totally prepared to get quite a bad grade. sigh, but there's really no point in agonising since it's over. just accept it and move on! yeah, my pet phrase.

today is quite a nice day, after the paper. met xiu wen, have never seen her for quite some time. glad that she's looking well and fine! NJ is gonna have a funtasia soon. hmm.... think i should go, cos it's a class gathering, and i kind of miss my class, esp, the slackness. sorely needed!! perhaps, everyone has grown up now, with the costly education, we can't afford to slack. well, not good to slack anyway, since, one will just indulge in it and might not get out of it.

hmm... something's not right with me i think. met him while waiting for the bus today. just didn't feel like saying hi. it is very strange, i just looked at the other direction. even when we went home together, i would usually be smiling to myself, thinking of him, hmm.... but today, just didn't. which is really strange. perhaps, i'm tired. or perhaps, there's really nothing. or, the impossibility, or the near reality that exams are coming to a close, or, just the surroundings, i don't know. i can't find anything to quantify. just feel quite dead in that sense already. towards u.

am i frivolous? or don't have enough "loyalty" in the sense towards liking someone? or perhaps, there's really just nothing, and it's all in the imagination for me. or perhaps, listening to too many break-up songs already. it's not really important i guess, since it doesn't matter to me any longer. this is much easier than i anticipated. strange. perhaps, really just the wrong environment. feeling this way. haha, anyway, after exams then reconcile my feelings. yeah. just do that. feeling rather tired in this matter. anyway, he's a really nice person. must not forget that! nice fren to have!

ok, i think for FM, hiaz. i hope i can study finish. still got abt 5 chapters to go excluding revision, been procrastinating for quite long already. hiaz. must jiayou!

everyone, don't feel stress, i think when u see what i type above, it's hard to be stress ba! haha... gonna do my best! and, i will remember not to talk to jiaming after every paper. demoralising.=(

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

have been for quite some time to come online. haha. don't ask me the reasons why though. just feeling kind of bored, in the sense that i have lots of marketing not done yet, but not really thinking abt it right now. and i'm cold, cos it's raining now. hmm, as long as i stop being online, i think i can study finish? that's an optimistic thought! haha, i'll try.

feeling happy nowadays. stuff at home sort of resolved. except that my mum and dad are still having a cold war. sianz. adults, why can't they be more mature? or perhaps the wound is too deep to heal? perhaps it has never ever got a chance to heal at all? hiaz. see how it goes.

oh, yeah, been chatting lots, to someone. sigh. hope it will not become a habit.

Monday, April 17, 2006

today, i had my first paper, which is acc 1. hmm, i thought that the paper was quite alright, in the sense that i knew how to answer. this is quite assuring, as i do not have to sort of invent answers like last sem. there's a question though, which is kind of well, i don't really know how to answer, however, i find the paper alright. so, perhaps, it's alright and fine by everyone. hopefully, will not do badly. hopefully.

hmm, should be studying for my FM paper, yeah, i'm procrastinating now, ever since i got home, and my dad was mopping the floor. i could not study or anything. so, been slping and reading the papers, not the textbook!!! yeah, really should start studying soon, otherwise, aargh!!! soon, after this entry and some mapling... haha....

went to eat lunch with mag and her pals and JP today. had this korean spicy noodles, boy, was it spicy, really and seriously....! haha... her frens are quite cute and nice....

hmm, first time with a morning paper... boy, people are really kiasu... haha, me including... they waited for the bus at 830... wow, so it was already quite pack and full with people at that time... interesting....

Saturday, April 15, 2006

today is a happy day!!! but i think i created world war 3 between my parents. they are not talking to each other right now and i think i'm the catalyst. perhaps, there's no need to think, i am. hiaz. however, nothing will spoil my good mood! i know my parents, just hope that my mum don't take things a little too far. hmm.... otherwise, everythings's fine! yay!

ok... how does one feel when one shares something that is really intermost in oneself with another person? i felt a sense of relief, in a way, in the sense that something true and real in me is make known to another person. and the thing is, he's the first person that i told him abt, haha, but i told him his the 2nd. i recalled back, and i have never told anyone abt this, even in my blog. i don't even know why i told him, just that, i was perhaps feeling quite vulnerable, and the fact that i was not being really nice to him the night before. or, just that, i feel that i can finally confide in him? perhaps...

hearing things from his perspective is really different. hmm, never thought that i was being hard on myself before, just the necessity or the feeling that i'm just like this, with no hope of improvement. however, i'm quite enlightened now, whereby, yeah, perhaps, i've been too hard on myself. even if i say this, i know that i'm not really a nice person inside. and whatever reasons i gave to him, perhaps, are just excuses of not trying hard enough. yeah, came up with the reasons after years of thinking deeply... wld not change so fast in how i derive those reasons.

think that i seriously stunned him last night... haha, it was quite funny.

jh, "why did u go off so fast last night? never wait for me to wish u good night." (something like that)

the immediate thought that came to my mind was, this is what i typed

me, "haha, know what came to my mind? it's like u say that if u don't wish me good night, i can't sleep. haha" (i proposed him the reason for my abrupt going off.)

ok, he took damn long to reply, i guess, at least 3 mins.

jh, "haha, no lar..."

me, "DUH! I was kidding!"

was it stunning? haha, but seriously, that wasn't my intention, i just thought of it, so decided to say my true feelings. hmm, he says he's not coming online as he had on his com for too long, or, perhaps, i might just stunned him again? haha, shall then give the benefit of the doubt. haha....

hmm, he cheered me up yesterday, as i was feeling really quite down. hmm.... there's something going on? hmm, doesn't really matter. just glad to have a fren in him....

Friday, April 14, 2006

ok, hiaz. yeah, what a great way to start off a blog entry. i don't know what's wrong with me. when people are nice, the least i can do is to be nice back. however, i tend to do the opposite, and ended up with the worse of feelings. yeah, i'm ultra-sensitive, so most prob, i'm the one feeling all these stupid feelings, of guilt, not nice feelings. the GUILT. does it matter? it doesn't, but it does to me. not feeling really good abt myself right now. so, what can i do? nothing. well...

actually, i was feeling alright. happy. because, today, the maternal extended family went out for dinner at this seafood place. i had pepper and garlic crabs, chilli kang kong, ou luo, egg tofu, fried calamari, among many others. essentially, can have the whole family together, talking and crapping, having fun. was talking with my uncle abt phones. he had the motor v3x i think. it's one of the v ranges. it's so cool looking!!!! hmm.... something to think abt! haha....

then, i was quite stressed or rather panicky at the amount of marketing that i have to study but not done. and what am i doing online? i don't know. perhaps, it's a habit, to speak to ppl before i slp. and blog. where i can actually study for an hr more. hmm, not thinking abt it anymore. just hope that the heightened and rising tension in me can soothed soon. i don't think so. perhaps, just have the faith that i can finish studying. yeah, there's really alot. sianz, i hate to be stressed. damn.

my cousins were here in the noon. sigh, and i can't play with them. ok, the point is, i just feel that i'm getting quite tensed. aargh! damn.

yeah. don't know what i am doing sometimes. yeah, could have a chance to just be alone with him in sch. but, me being me, after uncle lemon's rather interesting analysis, i felt rather stupid. so, anyway, didn't wanna go sch too. i sense a need for me to distance myself from u. i don't know why. i know myself, i will definitely go sch. but i didn't. see, u offer ur hand for me to clap, but i didn't. so, that's it. yeah. sianz abt it. hmm... interesting to see how it ends.

don't know why. always feel the urge to let ppl know abt u. sianz. sianz. sianz. why must it be like that? sianz sianz sianz. i'll get over it. hmm... think it's fast. so why still let ppl know abt u? don't know. don't bother. sianz. yeah, it's just one of the things in life that i just have to cope with it.

things are getting weird. better but weird. but better is still better no matter how weird.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

ok, i'm suppose to blog, but then, caught up i chatting. guess what, didn't finish the number of chapters that i set out to do. hiaz. ok, but i believe i can do it. i have to!

just discovered something today. we are independent to the extent that we don't believe that people are just nice like that. haha, hmm.... but then, perhaps, we are too fiercely interloped in our own feelings and suspicious of the surroundings that, we actually suspect ppl of harbouring ill intentions, and when people are being nice to us, we think that it's wrong! ppl are not nice to u for nothing? yeah, perhaps, i'm just super paranoid. there are actually nice ppl ard us.

okay, gonna get my new phone tmr. yay! finally, hope that i can trade in my old one for a new one. hmm... saw this nokia one, hope that i will not cost me that much to get. it looks really vintage and cool!

this sounds like a frivolous entry. it is. kind of distracted by chatting.

hiaz. should study? yeah, i will. studying quite hard, so hope it pays off. but playing quite hard to, chatting late into the night... so, trade-off...? something like that... no!! it's not! it's a win-win situation, i hope...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

i went for tuition in the morning today. it never fails to amaze me how much my cousins can perk me up. the just have this never-ending energy at being perky for almost anything, and i get cheered up. was tired in the sense that brain was not moving much. well, tuiton, a rare escapism from reality.

after that, went for lunch at jp with jh and jm. hiaz, no shuai ges, just smart ges for lunch. haha. nah, they are really really nice guys with lots of patience with a blur gal like me. they don't mind telling me again and again on how to get the answers and the steps that accompany it. i'm really really really thankful for them. hiaz. i'm really lucky to have met such nice people, but the problem is, never really have been in this situation, whereby depending on ppl is such an issue with me. perhaps, it has never crossed my mind in my entire study career to ask ppl for help. no, it's not because of my complacency or my arrogance, just that, not used to it perhaps. and when i'm on the receiving end, i tend to feel a sense of hopelessness. and i hate to feel this way. but then, it's not a bad thing, yeah, just have to get used to it somehow. in life, independence is not always feasible, because, u will fall because of it sometimes. solitude is possible and workable, however, it is not advisable. that's what i believe. tested, trialed and proven.

Today’s topic is abt relationships again. However, the focus is on communication. As I was discussing acc with jiaming, didn’t really catch what the discussion is abt. Oh, partly because dear yoke keeps reminding me how much I love her and can’t let her starve. Haha. However, I do agree that frenship and relationships are correlated positively. Relationships is an extension of frenship and that when rushed into one without the establishment of frenship, it’s gonna be real difficult to go back to the frenship again, and there is no basis for the relationship in the first place, because both parties don’t really know each other well enough. This is actually courtesy of dear peishan. And I totally agree. Just that, sometimes, it’s hard to distinguish between one another, and when that happens, ambiguity comes into place, which mars the beauty of the frenship in the first place. Anyway, enough said.

Something interesting happened today. I tend to have this marvellous knack of crossing the road whereby cars seem to want to knock me down. Correction, I just don’t have eyes when crossing the road or something. Anyway, it happened like this. After lunch, we were at this part where the taxis dropped off passengers. Then, we were at this bend, whereby the taxi has to drive pass us. In a single line we were, and I was well, I thought I was well away from the taxi. In the sense that, the taxi would not knock me down, I mean, I’m in front, which is impossible for the taxi to purposely drive into me. Then, suddenly, I mean really suddenly, it was really unexpected, jh grabbed me to move me aside. On hindsight, it’s really nice and considerate. However, erm, I thought it was rather unnecessary. Firstly, the taxi would not knock me down, secondly, there really was enough space. Yeah, making an issue out of it, well, firstly, it’s sweet. Cos after that, jm was saying be careful when crossing the road, yeah, perhaps, really need to evaluate the way I cross the road. Well, no one has ever been that sweet to me, alright, someone from the opposite gender.

To u: I guess, it’s really nice how things u do can really touch me in certain ways. But then, these are things u would do for any other person, so why am I mentioning it? Because, I’m a wuss, stupid and dumb. Anyway, take comfort that u can’t always feel stupid and dumb.

Hiaz, studies are becoming rather scary. I suppose when I don’t think abt it, or placing any feelings towards it, it’s scary, however, when I’m nervous because of a paper, keep trying to do it, that’s when I hit homerun. Yeah, nowadays, the papers are not like that for me, so, hiaz, just try my best and hope for the best. Feeling the heat somehow, that I’m in a wrong environment, but somehow have to make it work. I really want to graduate with honours, for my parents. Hiaz. Jia you!!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

distance, it's already therechoose not to seeclose, as the treesfor all to see.

like the sun, soloups and downsdifferent, day after dayit should not be.

happy, that should bebut, it's difficult notwhen things touches oneall the time that is.

i realise that i'm quite incapable of typing long phrases expressing my feelings. words are easier to express one's thoughts, as it always is. been talking in sch, admist studying for exams. well, today's topic of the day, is religion in relationships.

i guess, before knowing jh, never really thought that relationship can be a major factor in one's relationship. it is especially more so, when faced with parental objections and family upbringing. i'm always steadfast in my belief that love can overcome anything, even though that wasn't what i thought a couple of months back. perhaps, back then, i was resisting what i feel, hence the need to think of something to prevent feelings from developing further. however, i do firmly believe that when 2 people are in love, things will work out. yes, i'm a romantist and an idealist. but, isn't that the case? when love is strong, external factors will not affect so much, when the love itself is able to convince all that, that is what makes 2 people come together and work things out.

i'm not a stauch christain, nor someone who thinks my religion is the best. just someone, who feels that religion is not a major issue when giving and taking happens. my mum is a catholic, well, she doesn't go to church or anything that often. my dad is a devout buddhist once, now he doesn't pray at home anymore. the point is, my mum gives in alot to my dad, that is what i believe makes the marriage not affected by religion. when there is giving and taking, it is possible for things to work.

anyway, why am i talking abt crap like this? well, jh discussed with me, so i kinda wanna say my piece. this is not important yet, what is important is my shit acc practice assignment results... yeah, i got 53. i think i kind of expected it, so not that disappointed. i know what my problem is, that is what is most important i guess. however, it makes me wonder if i can do it in the end or not. i somehow, or rather, know that i can. however, being a risk-averse person, i'm kind of negative and feel that i can, yet, there is some areas of doubt. hiaz, just try my best, i really wanna make it for something. otherwise, i really don't have to graduate with honours. sigh. shit, it's bothering me alot, even if i don't say it.

yeah. been making an effort to study. so, hopefully, i can get what i want. hiaz. negative thoughts abt this, whatever, gonna just do my best.

to u: just want to let u know that, love comes once in a lifetime, even u don't know there's love or not, just a hint of strong affections, or anything similar, grab it... what can go wrong? people break up, learn from a failed relationship and move on. because of your hesistation, u will lose much more, a possible happy ending that u might have. i'm not threatening something, or making a molehill out of nothing. just that i'm really tired, to the extent that i'm not even second-guessing anything. taking things at face value. that is not me, unless, in my heart, i know that it's really impossible. i don't know why, i just feel that u care, and that there's much more, maybe i'm wrong. but it's ok, i'm wrong, then let me be, just that, if i'm not wrong, i don't want things to turn ugly. because, i know myself, i don't like to giving and not receiving, or even make use of. perhaps not so much of the latter, but the fact that, if i'm not important in that way, let me know, ya? it's really not difficult. i'm really tired. yeah.

Monday, April 10, 2006

i'm tired. just felt this suddenly after bathing. initially, i wasn't that tired, felt quite enthusiatic in studying for my FM. hmm, i attribute this to the fact that i have studied alot today? actually, the truth is, my progress is still quite slow, well, i just have to speed up somehow? don't really care abt this anymore, just gonna study my own way, and hope that i turns out fine. yes, hope, i like to give myself false impressions. that's just the way i am.

received this sms from dear acc tutor, and her msg is so ambiguous to a fault. suggesting that i've done badly for my practice assignment, and i don't even know if the sms is targetted at just me or everyone. ok, whatever, i'm just gonna take it as it is then.

have been thinking quite a lot these few days. one, is that i've done nothing noticeable for my first year in uni. hmm, i wanted it this way, so, really can't blame anyone for it. it is not really bothering me, but it is somehow making me think of my sad achievements, in the sense that i can actually do much more, it is a matter of whether i want it or not, just that i don't want it. hmm, ok, fine with it, but just can't help thinking abt it.

RELIANCE. this is not directed to anyone, but rather, this word keeps popping up in yoke's and my conversation. i think it's inevitable that both of us would be feeling this way, however, i happen to and want to think that i'm not!! sigh, i don't like to be reliant on anyone, who wants to be? however, sometimes, it just happens without one really noticing it. well, what can i really say abt this? i'm clear that i'm not yet. and i don't want to be, i hope this is the last time that i have to confront this issue. i'm not comfortable with it, because, i've always pride on myself being independent on things, esp. quantitative things like studies. i can do it! i have to somehow.

sigh. been giving an update on this. today, same as previous days. but i'm optimistc, i always am.

i have been given david tao's album. sounds nice. gonna enjoy it.

yeah, my study timetable is a little screwed up. hiaz, ok la, just feel an urgent need to finish FM, then somehow, the stone in me will be gone. yeah, and everything will be fine. the clouds will be gone. the sun will be shinning brightly. ok, this is abit dramatic. yeah, IT IS!

ok, before i end off, just a shout-out to everyone! press on for studies!!! we will make it!

i have been sleeping late and waking up late. not a very good study plan i believe, but a very good holiday schedule. well, i need my beauty sleep. the irony is that i've never been sleeping so much in my life before. partly, no discipline on my part, partly, yeah, chatting online till the wee hours in the morning. (sort of) anyway, studying is so super slack on my part, i don't really have any goals to meet, BUT, that's not any excuse to study real slow. i hope i can finish man. i have to? well, life's like that.

hmm, rather surprised today, nice surprises, slight improvement, not really what i expected, nevertheless, it's nice. i hope it's gonna last, well, the ever optimistic me. however, i'm gonna be pessimistic for this then. no choice, i accept reality.

actually, nothing much to blog abt nowadays. i have deleted a major part of my life towards blogging, i guess, it's kind of sick and irritating to hear that part of my sad life. however, there are some developments. well, in my opinion, no matter how blurred they are, i believe it's good and optimistc. in this aspect, i'm gonna be a pessimistic once again, well, why get one's hopes so high then plummented down again. my fragile heart can't take it. just that, sometimes, it's pleasant surprises that makes me feel warm and happy. don't think it would last though, but, what the heck, just enjoy it well it's there.

i keep forgetting to blog abt something. if i remember correctly, it was a few days ago, i was gonna eat my fruits soon. piror to that, my mum was eating and my dad told my mum to leave a soft pear for me because i like it. i was really stunned. my dad actually knows what i like?! i mean, it's been econs since i've really talked to him, and communicated. so, he knows? sweetness filled me, and i was guilty for being so not understanding and purposely difficult sometimes. well, kind of heart to make a 360 degress change, just not gonna be nasty. anyway, have not been for a long time.

i really can't resist not blogging abt him, but gonna resist for a while. i can let go, this part of me says i can. ok, gonna mug in sch tmr!!!

sigh. i give up. what's the point? it doesn't even matter. why should i bother? perhaps one day, it'll all make sense. not to me though. it will be better if it makes sense to u. i think u need it, seriously. ok, last time i'm gonna mention this.

aargh! exams are coming, and there's so much interferences that should not be there at all. i can deal with it!!! i have to... even if it kills me, even if someone wants to kill me. i can.

actually, not really that down, but just kind of disappointed. ok ba, perhaps, the disappointment is always there, incident after incident, so, perhaps, lessened to the point of nothingless. that's good, in a way, hurt not so great, i can cope with things better.

yupz. that should be it. really, i want to do well this sem. perhaps, not so much quntatitive studying, but i hope, and pray, really tt this sem, pls be nice to me!

Friday, April 07, 2006

i guess, ppl's mood affect me alot... and that i don't like it when ppl are angry at me. i have this uncomfortable feeling pressing upon me and i want to resolve the whole issue. however, it's not really up to me is it? it really is not... sometimes, just wish that everyone can be as peace-loving as me. GOD create this world with the intention of peace, but the ppl are always intent on engaging in non-peaceful means... is it worth it? i don't know... i feel like throwing in the towel, i think, soon i will. it's really kind of sad, yes, unresolved issues... it's not really fair that i'm so affected by it, trying hard, yet nothing seems to work...

been trying to study today... guess what? i spent most of the time trying not to fall asleep... i really have myself to blame, slept so late the night before... didn't really minded the reason for sleeping late, yes, i was chatting... well, i got a warm feeling, so it was worth it... but now, as usual, i'm questioning myself, is it? sometimes, guys really don't get it... distance is a necessity but not a must... sigh, i don't even get it myself and expect another to? yeah...

Monday, April 03, 2006

i'm going to make a resolution tonight - that is to sleep at least 5 hours everyday. i want to battle the exams with a clean and refreshed state. no more tutorials to torture me, therefore, i can meet this goal!

06/04/2006

well, i wanted to have an entry at the above date, however, stats project has overcome me quite a bit and chatting has been a tad bit distracting. hmm, before i go on any further, i want to say something that's been bothering me quite a bit, well, in fact, a lot. it's my twin sis. she's having a cold war with me, and i don't really understand why she is always angry with me? why do i make her angry so much? i acknowledge that many a time, she's exsaperated with me, but if i'm not wrong, she's not gonna care much abt it anymore. as usual, i don't blame her, i mean, if i were in her shoes, i would feel the same way too. sigh. just that, i don't know... i make people angry that easily? i really hope that one day, she would not treat everything i say with anger, and that we can talk easily again. am i hoping against hope? perhaps, just want to say, i would never give her up, and hope she does the same. perhaps, it's too late, thus the cold war. hiaz. i'm always optimistic. yupz, hope u know that i will always love u.

yes, another thing that's bothering me alot. sigh, can u believe it? i send my stats report to jh to edit. yes... sigh... it's against my principle... i'm quite affected by it. never done that before in my entire life, perhaps, and i really really hope it's because it's the wrong time of the night that i'm thinking the wrong things. but i got a sad feeling that it's not, but the fact that i know he will help me if i just ask... and it's 2 am in the night, which is really really terrible of me. have i forgiven myself? no. perhaps, not so fast. am i becoming dependent? i choose not to think of such a strong word to describe myself, just that, yeah, i acknowledge that he's nice. and am exploiting it? i'm not and i know that!!! just that, aargh! the fact that i know he will help me and i asked... sigh... not gonna do it again!!! yeah.

i was quite stunned today when he gave me stats solution. hmm, it was really unexpected. not really gonna think otherwise, there's really no point in doing that. been spending quite alot of time in school studying. it's working, though, there's some times, we procrastinate, by playing, what else? bridge! haha, playing with intellectual people really changes my perspective of how the game should be played. so, not bad, nice....!

sigh, not really bothered by things, what's the point i ask sometimes? think here think there, in the end, still come out the same... sigh, what's the point? i guess, when ppl don't care, u still press on? i will and just hope that it's not a lost cause!