Lucid Dreamer Loves You

Hey gang! Many of you may know that when it comes to her love life, Conny is either a hot ass or a hot ass mess. So I ain’t got no bizzyness tellin’ naan y’all how to keep him at home, work the middle or get the spice back into the bedroom. I’m pretty good at anonymous make-out sessions and late-night text message wars but otherwise, you got me. (My girls, beautiful and racially ambiguous potential video-ho-esque they may be, are no better. Check out my girl Rehes’ perspective on why boys are poo!)

However, one of Conny’s friends does have his cotton pickin’ head on straight and he’ll be contributing as a love and relationship expert (by expert I mean, he doesn’t have any baby mamas or the gay cancer so I guess he’s alright). Children, bend over and receive Lucid Dreamer as he dishes on fool ass scenarios that Conny “readers” (some of them are clearly just me trying to get my life together) send over.

Dig in!

Yo Lucid!

I’ve liked this boy for years and we flirt and all but he never makes a definitive move. I now suspect that he has the ghey real bad. How do I find out in a sly way (i.e. a way that doesn’t include me calling up and asking, “do you have the ghey?”) if he’s in the family or not? ~This is a question that’s been plaguing women for years. Luckily in our generation, women are allowed to be more liberal and forward without being considered taboo. So I think you have a few options that you could consider. One is to get him drunk and offer him a blow job. I mean…if he says no, there’s your answer. A less obvious way is to wear a short skirt and sit in front of him. Then look to your side. Use your peripheral vision to see if he’s trying to sneak a peak. If he doesn’t…the ghey strikes again. Another and more sensible way is to ask about his girlfriend or his past girlfriends. Work it into the conversation. What you’re looking for is not just the content of his answer, but also thetone and delivery. Notice if he is starting to stutter or if he questions why you’re asking. Trying to come up with heterosexual experiences is extremely nerve racking for the gheys.

Luci Lu,

I called out another guy’s name during sex. But the name I called is African and I lied and said it’s African word meaning “yes!” Now the first guy is meeting more of my friends and I’m afraid he’ll run into my African lover whose name I called out. What do I do?

~Well, you done fucked up! I must admit that your initial response was genius and right out of a bad UPN sitcom (or My9…whateva they’re calling it now). But your next step is really important. If I were you, I’d come at the situation offensively. I’d bring your African Mandingo side piece up in a conversation with your man and say that that’s how you know the meaning of it (make sure the conversation involves more people than just you and him). Say his name happens to mean “Yes” and you thought you’d see how it sounded during sex. Then add that you saying it out loud was weird since it was also the name of a friend of yours. That’s why you haven’t said it since.

So Lucid Dreamer, I heard you’re pretty hot. Why don’t you ask out Conny? You’d have really pretty dark-skinned babies.~Ah yes…I’ve been asked this question many times. So I hope this answer doesn’t sound trite or dense. Let me first say that obviously she’s a hottie and I could bring her home and make my parents scream “OH LORD YOU’VE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!!!” I’m also pretty sure we would have lots of raw, passionate sex that would result in beautiful future kings and queens of our race and the world. That being said, there are also reasons why I’ve held off completely stepping over that line. Such as the fact that eventually she’d cheat on me with an Asian…and I’d understand. I could see me screaming and being angry…then by the end of the night we’d be doing the horizontal mambo while I’m telling her to give me all the details! Some of you might call bullshit on that, but I could see me doing it too. Yeah…I’m a little freaky. Another reason is that Conny is a bit on the racist side if you haven’t noticed. How would I introduce her to my little blonde-haired blue-eyed friends?? Her opinionated ass would eventually end up bitch-slapping one of them for saying they voted for Bush.