FORT HUACHUCA, Ariz. — Confirming what soldiers and Marines the world over have long privately suspected, a Pentagon study released today has confirmed that women everywhere get extremely horny for guys wearing Affliction T-shirts and Axe body spray.

“I’m glad this survey happened,” said one such good-to-go hottie, Staff Sgt. Tamara Wilkinson, a Blackhawk crew chief with 1-318th Cavalry Squadron, “But I was tired of having to look at the like five percent of enlisted guys who weren’t getting with the message and buying Affliction shirts and drenching themselves in Axe. That is what gets my juices flowing, if you know what I mean.”

“I mean my vagina,” she added.

More than 20,000 female soldiers, Army wives, and random women in communities near Army installations were surveyed, researchers said.

Also very popular and, according to the study, “sure to make any bitches’ panties fly off,” are Ed Hardy shirts, loud pink Polo shirts, and baseball caps with extremely straight, unbent brims.

“We also love guys with douchey, spiked-up hairdos,” confided Jennifer Jaroe, who is married to a captain in the Finance Corps. “All my girlfriends agree. Oh, and Tapout stuff. I just can’t stop myself from jumping onto my husband’s penis, no matter where we are, when he is wearing his Tapout shirt and has his hair spiked up like an asshole. It makes me so hot. Mmmmm.”

Another part of the study confirmed that hot-to-trot sluts also cream their shorts for guys who drive Dodge Neons with spoilers, spinners, ground effects and speaker systems that cost at least $10,000.

Sources at the Pentagon all agreed the study was sure to be a huge boon to morale and improve social opportunities for single soldiers and Marines.

Dick Scuttlebutt is a graduate of SAMS and a veteran of the War on Women. He won the coveted Weeping Mushroom Medal for his actions at Two Points Ridge. His Twitter feed @DickScuttlebutt was voted "best" by your sister.
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