Dad in-training: Facing up to bullies – and bullying

It’s hard at the best of times to watch your kids grow up. At just two and a half, our oldest daughter has already changed so much. She really isn’t a toddler anymore. She has a well-developed personality with needs and demands, likes and dislikes, favourite colours, toys, books and animals. She has her hobbies and her habits. And she’s learning to socialize with other kids.

But my wife has noticed a worrying trend at a few recent classes and children’s events: she’s getting picked on by some meaner kids. Being the sociable girl that she is, our Sarah will often approach others to play with them. Some have reacted by pushing her away or otherwise excluding her from their activities.

Add to that a few worrying phrases she seems to have brought back from daycare: “I don’t like you!” and “I’m NOT your friend!” She repeats them to us when we tell her something she doesn’t want to hear. But where did she learn to say this stuff? When asked, she might say she heard it at daycare, but she rarely complains to us about the other kids. And the staff haven’t indicated any particular problem.

Still, we find it troubling, and it’s gotten us thinking about the future: will our kids be bullied?

Looking back

Thinking back about my own childhood, I can still remember how hard it was at times. I was a shy kid who sometimes got picked on by some of the more assertive or popular kids. I was beat up on the bus, ridiculed in gym class, and excluded from some of the activities of the more “popular” crowd.

Needless to say, I don’t want what happened to me to happen to my own kids. But I’m worried that it will, and there’s not much I can do to prevent it. And I’m worried, too, as the father of two girls, that some of the difficulties they face will be more psychologically damaging than anything I ever experienced as a boy growing up.

I’m particularly worried about when they’re teenagers. I remember the things that boys around me used to say about the girls we knew, sometimes directly to them and other times behind their backs. Now, as the father of two girls, I don’t want to see them objectified or otherwise demeaned, especially at such a vulnerable time in their lives. I know how damaging it can be to their self-esteem. And again, as much as I don’t want it to happen to them, I suspect that it likely will.

Cyberbullying

As a kid, the one thing I could count on if I’d had a bad day was that at least I could try to forget about it when I got home. The scary thing about cyberbullying is that it follows you everywhere. There is no refuge from it: the same people who taunt you at school can then go home and continue their relentless attacks on social media.

As much as governments may be working to introduce anti-cyberbullying laws, you can’t keep your kids totally insulated from it. They still are going to use the Internet. So there’s a good chance they’re going to experience cyberbullying at some point.

What can we do about it?

Listen. Let them tell you what happened, and speak to them in a non-judgmental way that encourages them to continue speaking.

Be non-judgmental. Don’t accuse them of inviting the incident upon themselves, but don’t cast judgment on the bully, either.

Encourage them to find a solution. Once you’ve heard their side of the story, ask them to think of what they could do to stop the bullying. For each suggestion, help them see how things might play themselves out. This can help steer them away from a bad idea without the need to directly express your opinion. According to Moss, you need to ask them, “What’s going to make you feel better about the situation?” And then you need to let them come up with a solution themselves.

What if your kid is the bully?

Of course, there’s another side to this as well. What if, for instance, our Sarah didn’t just pick up those choice phrases from another kid at daycare? What if she came up with those words herself and has been saying those things to other kids? There’s a good chance your child will exhibit bullying behaviour from time to time. So how do we react when they do?

Stay calm. The first impulse when someone accuses our kid of being a bully is to go on the defensive. But you need to temper that reaction.

Don’t take it personally, or as an “attack” on your own child. Just listen to what’s being said and thank the person for letting you know.

Talk to your child. Once you’ve digested the information, Steiner-Adair advises you have a talk with your child. Ask them to tell you, in detail, what happened. Have them write down their version of events. Be calm and reassuring – that way, they’re more likely to speak openly about it.

Encourage empathy, self-reflection, and responsibility. Help them to reflect on their own behaviour, as well as to empathize with the other kid’s experience. Even if they didn’t start the confrontation, you should teach them to be accountable for their own actions – and learn to apologize.