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The No Yelling House

I have seen a lot of blog posts recently regarding gentle discipline and how to stop yelling within the home. Many promise how to look at the New Year with an eye towards creating a no yelling house and parenting style.

Friends, yelling is only the symptom, it is not the disease. And sometimes to me, the flip side of yelling in parenting is something just as bad that no one seems to talk about: the passive -aggressive parenting style.

If yelling or being passive -aggressive is the symptom, the disease boils down to an aggregate mixture of several things. The basis for creating a no yelling house and parenting style is creating a home where your parenting is based upon love and connection. Love and connection and an ability to act from this place toward not only our family members but also all of our fellow members of humanity is where to begin to eradicate this disease. Along the way, we also need to talk about rhythm, simplicity and priorities, and the tools of healthy boundaries and open communication.

You are right for pointing that out, Carrie! I am sad to say that I am guilty of this. I know the kind of parent that I want to be (and I AM that parent sometimes), but then something happens in me the 20th time I try to get my almost six year old to get dressed in the morning and I lose it. I feel like I need some help in parenting how I want to parent. I’ve read “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn and loved it. It resonated with me deeply and has helped, but I find it so hard to move out of these ways of being that are so engrained in me from my own childhood. I am grateful for your support and encouragement, and I very much look forward to this series you mentioned! Thank you!!!

One of my friends told me that she thinks that moms who yell frequently need attention themselves; perhaps alone time, or exercise time, or some more affirmative praise from their partners. I see how that fits in with what you are saying…almost a passive aggressive plea for notice/attention.

Thanks for this! I read Carrie’s post this morning & I’ve been thinking about the whole passive aggressive aspect all day. It bothered me & I didn’t really get it. I will admit to having a problem with yelling. Not all the time but more than I want. It really bothered me that I was being passive aggressive with my children by yelling. I didn’t really see it but you’ve helped me understand.

I agree with you, that a household based on love and connection is great. But when that love and connection is not felt, it creates an environment for yelling.

When our kids yell at us, and they yell for crazy reasons, it makes us (the kids inside of us) feel like there is no love or connection coming to us from our kids.

I try not to yell at our kids, but sometimes I do. It is usually when I have been yelled at for a lengthy period of time by someone I cannot reason with; an illogical little ball of emotion that is angry or hurt. And when I get yelled at for a long time, and I’m not feeling loved or connected, it is hard to have the resolve to provide that love and connection, when it is actively being withheld or ignored by your child.

I hope your January rhythm addresses this: how do we hold the space for love and connection, when our little ones are not showing it?

It is amazing how much impact certain types of stress can have on parenting – financial difficulties, a partner working long hours, too little time together for parents who are a couple, inadequate self-care, a child with special needs…sometimes there are circumstances that do not work for our family and we are working to make the changes we need to, but the change takes time to establish and achieve – I think we also need strategies for dealing with needs that are unmet – either momentarily or for longer stretches. For example, if a partner is working long hours, a family may be prioritizing changing that, and taking steps to get there, but until it actually happens, the at-home partner may need to declare internally at times, I have an unmet need for solo time, or exercise, or meditation, or whatever that need is. It may be that s/he can work out a time to get that need met, but it might not be at the moment a three year old is melting down and in need of attention. Or for families coping with financial stress, and many homeschooling families or families who have kids with special needs definitely are, it may be difficult to feel safe. Same thing if a child is being physically aggressive, I think – many of us find ourselves very triggered. I know I am most likely to yell when I am feeling unsafe, unwell, or too tired. Great post and important ideas for self-work and consideration…

You are so right about yelling being a symptom. I took one of those no yelling challenges and made it to 23 days before all my pent up rage came spilling out! I’ve been looking at all areas of my life to get to the root cause: putting together a self-care plan, cutting back on work, adding in alone time and creative time, journaling, appreciating and acknowledging the things I do well. Still, it took about two weeks to feel like myself again.

I’m also interested to hear your advice during times when mom is not feeling connected or even loving towards her children. I knew deep inside I loved my children more than anything but for a long scary while, I didn’t like them very much. What does mom do when *she* is the one feeling disconnected? Because if mom isn’t feeling connected, where’s the motivation to do better?