Put a skillet on the stove, preferably cast iron, but I really give zero shits what you use. Coat it in a super tiny bit of oil, and heat it over medium heat. Trim the chewy white grossness off of the pork tenderloin/ loin filet. You’ll need a sharp knife to make this easy, which I’m 107% sure you don’t have. Good luck with your dull garbage knives. After you’ve trimmed the meat, grate the zest of two limes onto it with a microplane, as well as two cloves of garlic.
“Robble, what’s a microplane/why do I need it?” In peasant terms, it’s a super fine grater, and you need to buy one. Now. But really, it makes everything a million years easier. Get back to the fucking kitchen!
Rub the zest and garlic all over the meat. Really rub it out. Add an ass ton of salt, some pepper, a generous sprinkle of oregano, cumin, and chile powder, and rub it all over some more. Have that person you’re trying to impress watch you while you rub it. At this point, the skillet you put on the stove should be smoking slightly. Put the meat on that skillet. And let it get a sexy, crusty golden crust. Flip that shit over and repeat on the other side. After that’s been crustified as well, put it in a baking dish, set aside, and preheat the oven to 450.

Now, you’re gonna make a good taco into a bomb.com taco by pickling some red onion. “But Robble, I don’t like onions or pickles, do I really need to?” YES. It’s fast and easy and makes a meh taco 100000000x better. Combine the cup of water with the apple cider vinegar, add the sugar, and 1.5 tsp salt. Stir that shit together. Slice up about half of a red onion SUPERFUCKINGTHIN and add it to the vinegar solutionyness. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes before using. The longer these sit, the more deliciousness they soak up.

Remember that piece of pork we put in the baking dish? You do? Good, because now were going to add crap to it. Remove the husk from the tomatillos, quarter them (cut them into quarters…morons), add to the baking dish. Do the same with the tomatoes. If you’re using cherry tomatoes, or similar, leave them whole. Throw that shit into the dish as well. Roughly chop two of your jalapenos. If you like shit spicy, leave the seeds and membrane in. If you’re a wimp, cut ‘em off. For some reason, the jalapenos in Texas are pure fire compared to their dainty little counterparts in California, so I take mine out of one and leave the other in. Do you like garlic? You do now. Peel 4-5 cloves and toss that shit into the baking dish. Squeeze the juice of one of the limes onto the sweet, sweet contents of the dish, and bake until the internal temperature of the pork reaches 145 (around 15 to 20 minutes).

“Robble, I see that there’s a package of bacon on this ingredient list. When are we using it? Because I like bacon a lot.” I like bacon a lot too. So savagely rip open that package with your teeth, chop that shit up, and cook it until it’s crispy and delicious. I shouldn’t need to tell you how to cook bacon. Remove your crispy bits of heaven, but save half a cup of that greasy goodness in the pan, keeping the pan off of the heat. Dice up a jalapeno and toss it on into the still-hot bacon grease, along with three minced (microplaned) garlic cloves. Drain and rinse your black beans, and introduce them to their bacony, garlicy, spicy friends in the pan. Turn that flame on and warm dem beans up. When they’re good and hot, hulk smash the shit out of them, adding salt, pepper, cumin, and lime juice until you’re satisfied with the way they taste. Hulk smash ‘em more, just because you can, and keep warm until it’s time to eat.

By this time, the oven timer should have dinged, indicating that the slab o’ meat is cooked through. Remove the meat from the pan and LET IT REST FOR A MINIMUM OF 15 MINUTES. I see you, trying to slice off a teeny tiny piece to snack on. Don’t do it. It’s not okay, and the cool kids aren’t doing it either. Grab yo’ blenda and spoon the remaining roasted shit into it. Add a squeeze of lime, salt, cumin, another chopped jalapeno, the entire bunch of cilantro (sans stems) and half of an onion. Blend it on up until it looks like salsa. Congrats! You’ve made salsa. Cool it in the refrigerator until dinner time.

Thinly slice some cabbage and your pork, and get ready to assemble your taco masterpieces.

Grab plate
Slap beans on it
Top beans with cotija
Frisbee toss tortillas on the plate too
Shingle meat onto tortillas
Throw pickled onions and cabbage at them
Plop salsa verde on top
Rain some cheese on that bitch
Squeeze o’ lime
Daintily sprinkle bacon crumbles over everything
Pound a beer
Chow down
Did you impress that person with your cooking skills? Thought so.

When was the last time you went to an aquarium? I vividly remember going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium in seventh grade and being completely in awe of the jellyfish exhibit. I must admit, I did have a pretty big obsession with Spongebob, and yes, that could have been why I liked the jellies so much, but when you look at those guys, how could you not be intrigued? When my boyfriend asked if I wanted to go, I jumped at the opportunity to visit again (this time without a wind-up camera and a little more photography know-how) and was sucked into the infatuation I felt as an adolescent. I regretfully admit to elbowing a few adults (and maybe children…) out of the way to snap these photos and was ecstatic with my results. Take a look:

Black Sea Nettle

Black Sea Nettle2

Egg Yolk Jelly

Egg Yolk Jelly2

Moon Jellies

Jelly

Jelly2

Jelly3

Jelly4

Jelly5

Spotted Jelly

Okay, so the last one isn’t my best work, I admit. But tell me you can’t picture yourself jellyfishing for these guys with Patrick and that little square dude…

Creating a panorama is a fairly easy task, but coming up with an idea that hasn’t been done a billion trillion times is a little trickier. Go Google panoramic photography. Seriously. Do it. How many of the images that you saw were of landscapes? EXACTLY MY POINT! But landscapes are the PERFECT subjects for panos. I thought I’d try to jazz up my panoramic session with a few selfies, just for fun and because I have no friends. This is how it turned out:

The Hideout

Thankfully, I own a tripod. Unfortunately, I did not own a shutter release at the time. I did get a great workout running back and forth to snap my shots, aaaaaannnnnnndddddd I also got a splinter… in my butt… on the last picture I took (where I’m reading a book)… and had to awkwardly ask my boyfriend to help me get it out when I got home… BEAUTY IS PAIN PEOPLE! Beauty is pain.

So, you’re a fan of Thai curries? Of fucking course you are! But how do you make it? I have absolutely no idea, so instead I rely on my old pals at Thai Kitchen to whip up some paste for me to purchase at the store and call it a day. If you want to fill your household with the delicious smell of simmering curry, (it’s super fucking easy, so don’t be a wimpy deer…) all you have to do is follow this little guide.

Throw, no seriously, throw, the eggplant and carrots into a super fucking large pot with 1 inch of water. Steam them for approximately 5 minutes over high heat. This means that you put a lid on it, Bro. Drain the veggies and set them in a bowl to the side.

Throw the chicken into the pot you just used and brown it over high heat. “But Robble, won’t it stick to the bottom and create a huge mess?” If you’re stupid it will. Just stir the chicken. Problem solved.

Put the steamed mix as well as the asparagus, peppers, lemongrass, bamboo, onion, coconut milk, jar of curry paste and chicken broth in the pot with the chicken. Stir and cook, covered, for 10 minutes. Remove the lid and cook for an additional 10 minutes.

Add the ginger, bean sprouts and basil. Cook until the sprouts are tender. Season to taste. “How do I season to taste, Robble?” Does it need more fucking salt or pepper? Then add it. Seriously, how can you be so bad at this…? Boom, you’re done. If you like your curry thick, just boil it down some more. If you like it thin, leave as is. Best served in bowls with a scoop of jasmine rice.

Do you like Mexican food? No fawking sh!t you do. Are you completely clueless when it comes to cooking the great cuisine found south of the border? Me too… “But Robble, if you have no idea how to make Mexican food, why should I trust your recipe?” BECAUSE I’M A CULINARY GENIUS! THAT’S WHY! Plus, it has very little to do with authentic Mexican food, just the tasty, tasty flavors.

Crack a brew, drink that sh!t. You’re welcome. (So you really only need one beer for this recipe if you don’t plan on drinking… which means you’re a lame)

Bake your bacon. It’s called bacon for a reason…Place bacon strips on wire rack. Place wire rack on a foil-lined cookie sheet (when it’s cool, you can throw away the grease trapped in the foil instead of rinsing it down the sink like a dumbass.) Place cookie sheet in COLD oven. Turn temp to 375 and bake yer bacon for about 15-20 minutes, until crispified. Remove from oven. Let cool. BOOM DONE!

Roast all of the poblano peppers on your stovetop until they’re super charred. Place them in a large paper bag and close it to trap in the steamyness (otherwise they’ll be a bitch to peel) Let ’em hang out fer a wee bit. If you’re a badass, you can just char them like this:

Not Photoshopped…

Put the butter in a large frying pan. “WTF is a frying pan, Robble?”…. Just Google it, Bro. Make sure it has a lid!!!!!!!!!! Put that ish on high. When it’s melted, add your chicken. Add a metric butt-ton of cumin, pepper, cayenne and garlic salt. For exact measurements, see above. Wait until the chicken is browned nicely on both sides…

^^ Like This! ^^

Then add the salsa and a can of beer. Also add enough water to reach the top of the chicken. Cover and let dem breasts simmer for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, peel your peppers under warm water. Chop up two of the peppers and cut a slit down the middle of the other 4 to remove the seeds. After the 20 minutes is up, shred the chicken with a fork. There should still be a lot of liquid. Remove 1 cup of the liquid and set aside to cook with the mushrooms. Keep the chicken on medium-high heat with the lid off.

Think you can handle some two-pan action? Let’s find out. Put the mushrooms in another frying pan and saute over high heat for about two minutes. Add the chicken liquid stuff and reduce the heat to medium. Add the garlic, corn and beans and cook for another 5 minutes, until the mushrooms start to soften. Add the tomaters and chopped poblanos next and cook for another 10 minutes. It should look like dis:

So Festive!

Add this herr mixture inter yer chicken mixture. Toss in the cilantro and continue to cook until there is very little liquid left (If you burn it, I will cut you). Turn the mother-ducking stove off and add the avocado and 1 cup of the cheese. “That’s a lot of cheese, Robble!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNpTTJtgTQg BOOM! You’re done with the stuffin’.

Steamy. Sexy. Tasty.

“WTF do we do next Robble?!?!”

Chill the F out and follow these steps

1. Heat up the enchilada sauce.

2. Put the whole poblanos in a baking dish. Stuff ’em until they’re full, then put more stuffing sh!t on top of them.

3. Distribute the cheese evenly amongst the peppers

4. Delicately drizzle the warm enchilada sauce on top and around the peppers. Or just pour it on. I give zero fawks.

5. Place the baking dish under a broiler until the cheesy goodness bubbles.Of course, you can always put the dish in the microwave for like two minutes. This is what Senor Chang thinks of the microwave option:

Do you ever ask yourself what Disney princesses are like in real life? I’m pretty sure they’re all gullible bitches that have no concept of how the real world works. Do you ever say to yourself, “I wish I could be a Disney princess”? If you do, you’re probably a normal person. If you don’t, you’re definitely lying to yourself. Everyone wants to be a Disney princess. EVERYONE. I was recently given the challenge of creating a small narrative collection for a class. The result was a comical representation of those darn Disney princesses in the modern world… if they were men.