Monday, January 28, 2013

Worth it

As I have said before, I have always LOVED children and for the most part, children have always loved me, especially babies. I don't know if its my anatomy (being extremely blessed in a certain area) that brings comfort to infants or what exactly but babies don't seem to cry often with me and I always welcome the snuggles.

I recall last summer attending a family reunion where my cousin had brought her week old baby to oohandahh over. My aunt, the grandmother to the precious newborn, had the baby inside from the summer heat, trying her hardest to rock, coo, and console the very unhappy baby. I offered to take the baby to give my aunt a break since the family would soon be eating and before handing her over, my aunt gave me a chance to change my mind before she held the screaming little girl out for me to take. I took the baby, held her close to my chest, humming and swaying, and immediately the baby quieted and drifted off to sleep. I knew in my heart that was what was going to happen but it still brings joy to my heart every time. My aunt stood in awe as the screaming baby she held showed no evidence of being unhappy at all. I could tell this upset my aunt a little because who was I to settle this baby down? I was certainly not her mother and I didn't physically have any children of my own so why me? I played it off with my aunt saying I had more chest than she did, both laughing it off, but knowing deep down there was more to it.

I don't really know how to introduce what I am about to say to this post but just lay it out there because this has been weighing down on my heart for sometime. May 24, 2012, at about 7 weeks, Sley and I lost a baby due to a miscarriage. I have never hurt emotionally and spiritually (and physically) as I did that day and the days thereafter. I love my baby as if I had held them in my arms. I debated so hard writing this because of being judged but I feel like I'm taking purpose away from my baby's life by hiding it and acting like it never happened.

I believe EVERY life is worth it. Abortion was NEVER an option. Even though Sley and I were not married, that baby was still a blessing.

I will never forget finding out I was pregnant. I had my suspicions when I fell asleep at Sleys friends house on the couch. I NEVER do that. I had only been there twice but I could not keep my eyes open to save my life. We also went to a race and I got the worst headache. That wasn't out of the ordinary for me except for the fact that I needed Pringles and a Cherry Slushie ASAP!

I called Paige and got her to meet me at Walmart during my lunch hour. Hands sweaty and shaking, I headed in a vacant stall where I would emerge with a stick that showed a purple plus, very faint. At this point I was still living at home and Sley didn't have a clue. I headed back to work with my mind racing the rest of the day. For the next few days, the more tests I took (looking back, I easily spent over $100 on pregnancy tests), the darker the lines got...I was pregnant.

I WAS PREGNANT?! Omg? All those years I prayed for a baby with Brandon...all those years I would be late two days, rush to buy a test, for s second line to never appear. I really thought I would never see a second line. The second line hated me and I it. Now...the second line appears...I was scared...I was afraid...I was so happy!!! What was I going to do? It didn't matter, I was going to be the best mommy I could be. Teenagers do it everyday and I am an adult so I can do this! For so long I prayed for this baby, pleading with God asking, why? Why can girls who choose to terminate their pregnancy get pregnant but me? I can't have a baby and I WANT it!

I was finally getting what I wanted, what I had prayed for. Know that I understand the circumstances weren't what I would have hoped and I know that not being married and pregnant is frowned upon but I have asked for forgiveness and my sin had nothing to do with a precious gift, my baby.

I texted Sley at work and told him that we needed to talk that night. He had an idea by the way I as acting what was up but he wanted me to confirm it and I did. I texted him a picture of one of the MANY tests I took and his reply? "Good."

From that day forward, Sley never left my side. He stayed with me at the trailer Brandon and I used to live in and we were both so excited about becoming parents.

Sley loves kids as much as I do and kids love him more than me! It brings a smile to my face every time we see my best friends little girl Claire and how they are so happy to play together. Although I do get jealous because it seems like Sley ranks higher than auntie AP, I just remember what an amazing daddy he is going to make one day.

Paige texted me everyday, being the best support system a girl could ask for, always buying me more pregnancy tests when doubt would creep in and Cherry slushies from Sonic when my cravings set in.

I called my Dr. and set up my first appointment. I wanted to tell my family before then but I was so scared...I knew they wouldn't be happy but I really didn't know what to expect. I was an adult, not a child..this baby would be my responsibility, not theirs, but I needed their love and support as I ventured down this new path.

My friend at work warned me to wait to tell them after my first appointment but I felt like I couldn't be happy about it until it was out in the open.

I won't go into details as to what was said when I told them but I made the decision for my baby and my own health to move in with Sley. I understood my parents and grandparents were upset but things were said out of character that I have forgiven but still hurt my heart to think about. After making it clear that abortion was NOT an option, I packed what I could and left, sobbing the whole way to Sleys house.

I didn't speak to any of them for a few days. I was used to seeing and talking to them everyday. This was so hard on me. I would come home to a strange place every night (Sley tried so hard to make it home for me...) and I would drop everything and just sob in his arms. I wanted so much to be happy...I was finally pregnant but I felt like I didn't have permission...people were angry and wanted me to kill this sweet baby inside of me and all I wanted to do was rejoice! I was having a baby! Sley tried so hard to make me happy and feel at home but I needed my family, no house or object could replace that...I sucked it up and decided no matter how I was treated, keeping this baby was the right thing and God would bless me for that...