I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 25 June 2011

I've published a letter on my autobiographical blog. Last weekend as I navigated father's day I wrote a letter to my father. I've now written a letter back to me in reply to it, as if I was replying as a parent to daughter. Here's a short excerpt from the end of it:-

I’m amazed at your strength. I feel it’s not easy for you to talk and write about this stuff and yet you are slowly, bit by bit, facing it, examining it, discovering the lies you believed from it. As you do so you’re slowly recognising the abuse for what it was and that’s great. Therein too lies your healing.

You’re doing great, you really are. I’m really sorry you were so badly let down by the justice system. But good on you for exposing the truth!! I hope one day you will heal up to the extent where you can feel safe around males. I know it really hurts you that you don’t and why.

I’m very proud of you. You’re doing really well! You’ve come a long way. You’re on your way! There is hope for you! You’re an amazingly strong, honest gutsy woman. Don’t give up, keep on going. Keep on telling the truth. You’re making phenomenal progress. You truly are!! I just want you to know how proud I am of you. You amaze and astound me!!

It looks a little more in depth into Dissociative Identity Disorder with a focus on discussing the different types of alters that can occur.

I already knew much of this from my own experience of getting to know my own alters but it was so good to have it confirmed and explained in detail.

It was in 2009 that I first became aware of that I had alters. It was when I was working through the Satanic Ritual Abuse I experienced. It was fascinating for me to discover how my mind had not shattered and how dissociation had enabled me to cope with the horror and extreme trauma. I also found it intriguing to discover how different alters carried different memories of different instances of abuse. It was during that process that I became aware of the fact I had over 500 alters, at a conservative calculation. I have a list which details the gender, names and ages for approximately 270 alters.

When I was in the first stages of discovering I had alters I was both shocked and confused to find I had male and female alters, I assumed because I was female all my alters would be female. But in understanding how I came about to have cross-gender alters helped to explain where some of my own gender confusion comes from. I also realised some of my alters appeared to be neither male nor female which confused me too but this article explains that.

I was also aware of having controllers, protectors and helpers. I was also aware of many ‘little ones’ who have very strong feelings about the abuse and the abusers. They love to play with toy bricks, soft toys and to have treats such as sweets and ice creams.

I have little ones of all ages from tiny babies to stroppy teenagers. They remember the hurt and pain very clearly and like this article states, they are frozen in time, in the trauma of the abuse that caused the split.

This is an incredibly useful article in explaining in easy to read and understand language how the different alters work and interact. It also helps me understand how I’ve been able to function and live day to day life and the role of certain alters in making that possible.

Friday, 24 June 2011

I've created a 4th blog for myself, I'm not sure quite what I'm going to do with the blog just that I felt the need to create it and go more public about the identity of my abusers. The blog is all about exposing my abusers, who they are, where they are, what they did. There should be no hiding place for abusers and paedophiles anywhere. That includes on the internet. There is a link to the blog in the "Links to Other Sites" that I list, but here's it's address too -

I've come across a wonderful website full of easy to read and understand information about dissociation and dissociative disorders. It's full of information found it really helpful to read. The website is

MY FAVOURITE BIBLE VERSES

IN YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS Prov 3:6THE LORD IS A SHIELD TO THOSE WHO WALK WITH INTEGRITY Prov 2: 7WHEN MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER FORSAKE ME, THEN THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND ADOPT ME AS HIS OWN CHILD Psalm 27: 10 (Amp)CAN A MOTHER FORGET HER NURSING CHILD? CAN SHE FEEL NO LOVE FOR THE CHILD SHE HAS BORNE? . . . I WILL NOT FORGET YOU Isaiah 49: 15I WILL COMFORT YOU . . . AS A MOTHER COMFORTS HER CHILD Isaiah 66: 13THE KING IS ENTHRALLED BY YOUR BEAUTY Psalm 45:11