Moderator: Welcome to today's debate. For our format, we will start a fight between two candidates then interrupt it to ask another candidate a random question. Candidates who have no chance in this election will get donged by the bell earlier than others.

Carson: Let us first have a moment of silence while I take a brief power nap. 😴

Rubio: Moments of silence remind me of my days as a child as I watched my immigrant father toil in sweat for his family to bring food on our table. This is why we must kill ISIS.

Trump: You guys are going about this all wrong. You must use the Internet to find ISIS. It's simple people. Just Google "ISIS", find their location on Google maps, build a wall around them, and bomb the sh*t out of the inside of that wall.

Jeb: This guy isn't serious. Why are you people applauding him? He's an idiot! Am I on planet earth right now? How could I be losing in the polls to this moron?

Jeb: Oh yeah? How about I come over there and throat punch you? How's that for energy?

Moderator: Moving on, Ms. Fiorina...

Fiorina: I am woman. Here me roar. In numbers too great to ignore! I've been fired from jobs. I've lost elections. I've been duped by fake videos. Even after all that, I've got more qualifications to run this country than anyone on this stage. Except maybe that guy napping over there...

Carson: Huh??? What??? Boots on the ground... Caliphate... Uh.... 😴

Christie: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BROTHER! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR WALLS AND YOUR BUSINESSES AND YOUR CALIPHATES OR WHATEVER! THE PEOPLE NEED A REAL LEADER. A MAN THAT YELLS AT THEM THRU THE CAMERA AND TELLS IT LIKE IT IS! VOTE FOR ME AND ALL THE CHRISTIE-MANIACS OUT THERE WHO WANT AN AMERICA SAFE UNDER THE WATCH OF A LARGE LOUD MAN WHO WILL KICK ASS NOW AND TAKE NAMES LATER!!!

Trump: We need to build an ark. 700 cubits by like a thousand cubits or something. We take all the Muslims in this country, put them on that ark, and send them off into the Pacific Ocean. I'm sure their Allah will find them another nice country to terrorize. Also, I don't think women should vote anymore.

Cruz: Praise and glory to our Lord God. He brought me here tonight to lead this nation. With God beside me, I will do great things. First I will carpet bomb the entire Middle East...

Moderator: What about civilians?

Cruz: Like I said, I will carpet bomb ISIS. As Mr. Trump pointed out, I'm sure we can find them on Google maps.

Kasich: Yes! We need to kill ISIS and....

[DING, DING, DONG]

Moderator: Moving on....

Trump: That isn't enough, people. We also need to kill ISIS families. Their dogs too. It's easy folks, just look them up on the Internet. I'm sure their families are on their Facebook accounts, befriend their families, pretend you are an old friend from Jihad High School, arrange a meeting destination, then bomb the sh*t out of it. Also, I think we should segregate the school systems again.

Jeb: If you guys don't get this imbecile off this stage, so help me...

Christie: WHO CARES ABOUT YOU TWO LITTLE GIRLS! LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING AMERICA! OBAMA IS A WIMP. HE'S LIKE THAT PUNY KID IN THE SCHOOL YARD THE BULLY PICKS ON BECAUSE HE WON'T EVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WHEN BULLIES TRIED TO PICK ON ME? I'D FIRE BOMB THOSE SONS OF BITCHES! ELECT ME! I KILL BULLIES! I ALSO EAT A MEAN HOAGIE SANDWICH!

Trump: Look folks, I'm just trying to make America great again.

Rubio: We have a thing called the Constitution Mr. Trump. I know constitutions. I grew up with constitutions. I watched my father with constitutions. My mother WAS a constitution.

Trump: Constitution, Shmonstitution. The guys who wrote that thing were old and confused. They were people pleasers. I will have a team of writers help us write one that makes sense. One that makes America Great again. Also, I would deport Jeb's wife.