Moms of Preemies

Silly Hormones-Fear of 2nd Go Around

I have this 1 hour every day on the site bus coming home from work (oil sands) where it's just me and my own mind. No two year old, no trainers and operators, no siblings, no in laws, no spouse. Just me in my own head and usually I look forward to this solace. But lately it's a time for me to over think things.

So I put my ear phones in and Brad Paisley comes on "I remember saying, I don't care either way. Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok"

And I break down. The silly pregnant chick on the bus who often giggles to herself, or catches herself singing along to her headphones out loud and now I'm tear streaked.

I just want a healthy baby. That's all I want. I want to have my water break at 35+ weeks, get to deliver in town and go home to my two year old. Do I really need two miracle premie babies? Can we just say I earned my stripes and not sentence me to two months away from home for this baby?

I know I haven't exactly been a good Christian and attending church on Sunday, and I only reach out when I need something (like a miracle when I had my 32 weeker) but I have good morales, values, I pay it forward and I get a thrill every time I can do something to help someone else out. So I deserve a break right? God won't put me through that again right?

And then I think of all the turmoil I went through in my teen years and how many times we've had something serious break since we bought the house and my grandmother echo's in the back of my head "god only gives us what he knows we can handle, no more".

And I just want to scream I can't take anymore! I need a reprise. I don't feel strong enough for another fight. But hey my 32 weeker fought, my niece the cardiac baby fought and they prevailed, who am i to say I am outta fight.

I need someone to tell me they had a premie due to prom and didn't have a second premie. I want someone to tell me they had a second and it was easier. And I want someone to tell me how blessed I am to be able to conceive a second time (after being told I never would) and that I should be greatful for this journey whatever it brings.

Please share with me, if you made it through all that you deserve to pour your heart out to me too.

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