On tonight’s show…Who has come out with a
BRAND NEW (in 1996) CD? Who have finally earned US and
Tag Team title shots tonight? (and by earned, I mean who
have been drawn out of a hat) and why are the American
Males so retarded?Get all the answers to these
questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode
of…

WCW Old
School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: March 25th, 1996

Location: Huntsville, AL

Well, after an abysmal Uncensored, I can
only hope that the build towards Slamboree leads to
something good…of course since this is WCW, I can pretty
much guarantee the opposite, but I like to keep a
positive mind…otherwise I would go insane from the
ludicrousness that is this promotion. A grand total of
THREE title matches tonight, apparently since we’re back
on free TV they figured we might as well get something
for our hard earned cash spent on this show…oh, wait,
THAT WAS LAST NIGHT! Ric Flair will defend his World
Title against The Giant, and I’m actually happy about
that since the alternative would’ve been him defending
against Loch Ness, who I’m very close to branding the
worst wrestler EVER. Sting & Lex Luger will defend their
Tag Titles against…The American Males!? Wait, so what
the hell was that all about Harlem Heat getting a title
shot for helping out Sting? And Konan will defend his US
Title against Mr. JL…wait, that guy’s still around!?
It’s good to see deserving people get title shots around
here.

The Belfast
Bruiser Vs Randy Savage

Finlay apparently put Regal in the hospital
with a European Uppercut last night, which seems legit
enough considering Regal’s bloodied nose and all.
Bischoff talks about how hard a time Hogan had last
night and how much he overcame the odds by beating all
these men…despite Luger turning on Flair resulted in
Savage getting the pin…BUT HOGAN DID THE WORK DAMMIT! He
then follows it up by talking a bit about the card and
saying that WCW are committed to bring in the best and
the youngest wrestlers around…which one could question
the validity of considering that the main event scene
pretty much remained unchanged during the entire span of
Nitro’s run…but hey, he never said WCW were committed to
actually give them a push.

Test of strength and a little give and take
between the two wrestlers to start off this match until
Savage gains control and sends the Bruiser out with a
knee to the back. Prior to that the announcers went
crazy over Finlay nailing Savage TWICE with European
Uppercuts, THE HUMANITY! Apparently since it sent Regal
to the hospital, the European Uppercut is the most
dangerous move in the world...nah, just kidding,
considering how patriotic wrestling is, they would never
claim the most dangerous move in the world to be
anything but 100% American. USA! USA! USA! The Bruiser
takes control on the outside by smashing Savage into the
ring post and the guard rail. He continues this strategy
until they re-enter the ring and he gets a 2 count off a
Short Arm Clothesline. Savage begins to fight back and
side steps the charging Irishman which results in him
crashing into the ring post shoulder first. Savage
doesn’t waste time and immediately hits the Flying Elbow
Drop for the 3…so much for the apparently undefeated
Belfast Bruiser.

WINNER: Randy Savage

I don’t know why they didn’t try and build
Finlay up to be an actual contender instead of jobbing
him out after hardly being hit with anything other than
the Elbow Drop…silly.

“Mean” Gene Okerlund is standing ready to
interview Ric Flair, who comes out with both Woman and
Elizabeth. Flair says that tonight he will slay a real
life, walking, talking, FIRE BREATHING giant…wow, this
main event just got a little more exciting. Gene asks
him what his thought are on Luger knocking him out at
Uncensored. Flair says that he had flown so high over
the last couple of months that he had forgot to notice
Luger wanting the World Title. Gene however, doesn’t
hear a word of this because he keeps on staring at
Woman’s breasts to the point where Flair tells him to
stop. Bang up job, Okerlund. Flair says that Luger’s
punishment for his actions last night is that he doesn’t
get to ride with Flair anymore…that’s it? His punishment
is to get bumped from business class?...wow, he takes it
nicely.

FINALLY! Mr. J.L. has been cheated for
months, but FINALLY he gets that elusive title shot. All
those high profile wins have finally gotten him
somewhere. JL actually defeated Dean Malenko in the
Cruiserweight Title Tournament in the pre-show last
night…the only reaction that comes to my mind being…why?

JL takes control of the early proceedings
with a Head Scissors Takeover that sends Konan to the
outside brooding. Konan gets back in the ring and, after
both men rolling around on the mat without gaining
control, he manages to plant JL with a DDT. Bischoff
talks about Randy Savage apparently going ballistic
backstage and having to be restrained from going after
Ric Flair…of course, they didn’t bother showing anything
back then, but I’ve heard it was awesome >_>. Back in
the ring, all hell breaks loose in an Armdrag bonanza
before JL hits a Spinning Back Elbow leaving both men
down. They eventually get back up and JL hits a Missile
Dropkick and attempts the pin, but Konan grabs the
bottom rope, gets back up and almost gets the 3 from a
Gutwrench Powerbomb. We learn that next week, it will be
Hogan & Booty Man against Kevin Sullivan & Arn Anderson,
and Steve McMichael believes it’s an outrage that Hogan
hasn’t gotten a title match already because he deserves
it…I HATE that guy! JL hits a devastating DDT from the
top rope but he only got a 2 count, and it ends up with
Konan instead catching JL on the top rope and almost
Alabama Slamming him for the 3 count.

WINNER: Konan

And we’re straight onto the next match

Disco Inferno
Vs The Booty Man

YES! Disco Inferno has a new CD out, only
49.95 (BARGAIN!). Disco actually tried to create some
interest in this match by yelling that he was the only
one allowed to shake booty or something…so this of
course is now a blood feud.

BM manhandles Disco Inferno and hits a High
Knee for the win…no, seriously, it’s over in like 2
minutes and the only one getting a shot at Booty Man is
Kimberly who spanks his ass.

WINNER: The Booty Man

…well, that was pointless, almost as
pointless as this random trivia fact, Tony Schiavone’s
real first name is Noah according to Bischoff…I know you
probably don’t care, but there you go…you’re welcome.

Fuck Harlem Heat. Fuck the Road Warriors.
Fuck the Steiner Brothers. American Males, now THEY
deserve a shot at the Tag Titles. Luger does his best to
signal that he’s up to no good by joyously high fiving
the fans every time Sting looks and scowling sinisterly
every time Sting looks away. SUSPENSE! They story of
this match (because, apparently there’s a story) is that
Sting helped bring Bagwell into the business (THANKS A
LOT STING!) so he’s all buddy buddy with the American
Males, but Luger is shady…and stuff! You know…because he
actually wants to beat these guys! HOW DARE HE!...this
angle is solid gold…or something…

Scotty Riggs starts off by doing what he
does best (wait…does he do anything else?) nailing Luger
with a few Dropkicks. Luger is having non of that and
starts to use his power to dominate him, until he nails
Bagwell on the apron who retaliates by pulling him to
the outside where they are separated by their respective
partners for some reason. HEY! Don’t beat up your
opponent man! What the hell are you thinking! Back in
the ring, Bagwell tags in and apparently intimidates
Luger to the point where he tags out himself, who knew
Luger had something against gay people…oh, sorry,
they’re ladies men, I forgot. Sting and Bagwell has an
exchange of running and dodging and running and dodging
until Sting hits that almighty Scoop Slam which prompts
Bagwell to say enough and tag back out to Riggs. Sting
follows his lead and tags out to Luger who ends up
getting double teamed by the Males (horrific thought, I
know) and Bagwell, who tags in again, almost gets a 3
count off a Splash. Bagwell misses a Cross Body Block
from the top rope and Luger goes absolute apeshit b as
he begins to pepper him with kicks, stomps and punches.
Heenan at this point also foresees which of the two
American Males that actually has a future as a singles
wrestler when he claims that “Luger is more incensed
when he’s in there with Bagwell instead of…Bagwell’s
partner”. Bagwell hits a desperation Flying Forearm and
both men tag out. Riggs does get a 2 count off an Inside
Cradle, but is quickly hit with a Cross Body Block which
surprisingly gets the 3 count despite Bagwell just
looking on right next to him.

WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger

…so…Bagwell didn’t break up the count and in
turn lost the titles because he was “fair”…wow, what a
douche! Luger celebrates outside the ring with the
belts, while Sting lifts the arms of both opponents
inside the ring…what the hell is this bullshit!
Sportsmanship my ass, that’s just retarded…

Rule number one in how to successfully run a
business: Do NOT throw money away *ahem*. As Flair
makes his way down to the ring, the careless money
throwing of *cough* “Randy Savage’s money” to the crowd.
Macho Man does appear on the ramp but is immediately
restrained by a few jobbers and the least scariest
looking head of security in the history of security,
Doug Dillinger. Woman takes advantage of the restraint
by slapping Savage across the face, sadly not in a very
good angle, so I can’t do the “Slo-Mo GIF happy slapping
replay of the day” (how’s THAT for a segment title!).
Savage gets pulled backstage and we’re back to focussing
on the match in hand.

Flair starts off by not appearing very
intimidated, and he still looks calm despite getting
pushed down easily within the opening few seconds. This
calm demeanour of his doesn’t last too long though as
the Giant keeps on manhandling him culminating in a
Gorilla Press Slam. Flair tries to escape but is
literally carried back to the ring by his much bigger
opponent. Back in the ring, Flair tries to mount a
comeback put Giant pulls a Hogan on him and completely
ignores the punches and chops that Flair throws at him,
instead he keeps control with a huge Vertical Suplex and
a Backbreaker. Of course with the next logical step in
his game plan being to hit Flair with a Chokeslam and
win the title, he instead opts to go to the Top Rope and
crash and burn with a big Splash attempt…well, I never
did claim he was a clever bastard. The Giant does remain
fairly composed though…you know, until he misses a big
Corner Splash and falls over the top rope instead. Flair
sees his opportunity to choke him with a piece of piano
wire he got from Woman while Elizabeth distracts the
referee. The Giant refuses to stay down though until
Flair punts him in the groin...THAT sends him to the
mat. Woman uses another distraction to choke the Giant
herself with that piece of wire and everything seems
fine and dandy for Flair…but then of course he decides
to climb the top rope and, in doing that, rejuvenating
the Giant completely. Giant throws him off the top rope
and hits the Chokeslam immediately afterwards. Elizabeth
and Woman distract both the Giant and the referee thus
allowing Arn Anderson to run in and hit the Giant with a
chair. But before the Giant can turn around, Kevin
Sullivan arrives to snatch the chair away, just in time
for the Giant to spot him and causing him to believe
Sullivan hit him. The Giant chokeslams both Sullivan and
Anderson before leaving the ring and Jimmy Hart who
jumps up and down like a maniac for some reason.

WINNER: No contest

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times:
I guess it was nice to see some development in the Main
Event scene. The whole thing with The Giant & The
Horsemen will obviously cause friction between The
Horsemen and The Dungeon of Doom…or it will be forgotten
next week, nothing surprises me when it comes to
WCW…where did Pillman go again?...oh, and no Hogan was
awesome…

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE
THEY THINKING!!!:It
was a boring show…too many matches and all but one of
them had zero suspense in who would win. The Botty Man
squash was a waste of time, the way the Belfast Bruiser
was jobbed was a waste as well…and the American Males
are ridiculous…really…

Next week, Hogan returns….fuck…well, until
next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like do a
belly flop in a tub of acid) and read every other column
on the site…NOW!

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).