Do you feel like in addition to losing the marriage and spouse you thought you had, you have also been exposed to an ugly side of society you really didn't want to know about? I'm not pure as Christmas snow, but I feel like I've lost some innocence. The world is a dirtier place for me now, having been immersed into this subculture of apparently very popular anonymous hookups. I used to think of perverts in trenchcoats, but now I know they walk amongst us as coworkers, neighbors, church members, scout leaders. I'll never see the world the same. And I'm pissed about it.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 973 | Registered: May 2013

Nature_Girl♀ 32554Member # 32554

Posted: 6:12 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013

Yes. I feel sullied that I now know about cheating websites. I am disgusted that I know the difference between hebephilia and pedophilia. It makes me sick that I can correctly use "watersports" and "Cleveland steamer" in a sentence. What's worse is that these things apply to my husband and MY LIFE.

It makes me sick & feel like I've been physically contaminated.

And then there's the whole mind trip of wondering which of the women I meet or see when I'm out & about in my community sucked on my husband's dick or let him pee on her. I have to wonder, is the reason this woman is smiling at me is because she's had carnal knowledge of my husband. Maybe the reason this woman is being snotty with me is because he told her lies about me. It's crazy-making.

I was absolutely appalled. One of the sites my H had a profile on boasted an entire page of helpful hints for keeping your affair hidden - secret phones, change of clothes in a gym bag, etc. It made me sick. Still does whenever I think about it.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013

Tripletrouble♀ 39169Member # 39169

Posted: 6:14 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013

Omg yes NG- I know there were dozens and I feel like they are all laughing at me.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 973 | Registered: May 2013

time2Bstronger♀ 34715Member # 34715

Posted: 8:12 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013

When my CHILD first showed me some things she found on our computer, I didn't even know what the abbreviations meant. For years, I believed the "it's just spam" or some other excuse. Even after all that I've seen, I still cannot believe actual people do these kinds of things. Really? " I'll be in the Lowes parking lot in a blue Honda accord from 7:20 a.m. til 7:45 a.m., cum suck my d*#k"" People actually, really do this? I have seen email exchanges from my STBX confirming that this type of stuff happens and I still can't believe it. I feel vilified that I now know what all those abbreviations mean.

Posts: 399 | Registered: Feb 2012

tryingagain74♀ 33698Member # 33698

Posted: 8:20 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013

Yep. I had never even heard of Ashley Madison until XWH told me that's where he met the OW. When I went to the site, I was horrified. Life is short, but since it is, you should live it well and treat others well for the short time you're here, not have an affair!

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011

confused615♀ 30826Member # 30826

Posted: 7:12 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

Yes.

WH used craigslist. In the year after dday, I would look through the entire mfm section and the mfw section. Looking for my husband. He said he wasn't there..and I never found anything to make me think otherwise..but I had to check anyway..I had to "know."

It is *shocking* how many married men are on there looking to hook up with other men. "Married but looking" and "married but like the taste of ****." And many put their pics on there..usually taken from their bathroom..their wives makeup,robe,etc in full view..and,often, bath tub toys for little kids.

I have no clue what my WH found so attractive about any of that. It would make me physically ill after I looked for any amount of time.

I stopped looking. It would trigger me, and would take days to recover. Thankfully, I no longer feel the need to look like I did before..and when that need hits..I've learned to ignore it.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011

doesitgetbetter♀ 18429Member # 18429

Posted: 11:04 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

It very much makes me feel like Nicholas Cage felt in the movie 8MM. If you haven't seen it, it was a movie about a detective who went undercover to find makers and buyers of "snuff" porn. In snuff porn, the person on the film would perform a sexual act (or be raped), then murdered. Beware though, there is some infidelity in it, the person who owned this snuff film collection that he was checking up on had a seedy side that he acted upon and his wife never knew until after he died and she went through his safe.

Although, it also gives me a sense of power and security knowing that I can't trust anyone that posts anything on CL. I would NEVER post looking for a babysitter or house sitter or pet sitter on that site or any similar, you're just asking for trouble. I know what kind of creeps live on that site, so that is empowering to me.

ETA: On the flip side, now my H won't even go on CL to look for a new lawnmower for us, he makes me do ALL the CL searching. He wants to make sure that I have no doubts about what he's doing at anytime for any reason. He's come a loooong way.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4466 | Registered: Feb 2008

Ostrich8034827Member # 34827

Posted: 2:18 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

I have seen things my ws looks at that I honestly didn't know about. The hook up sites are shocking. He talks about guys at work that get bj's on the way to work from cl girls...I have a feeling he's referring to himself.. Have you ever noticed the usernames..omg

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5737 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest

LisaP♀ 15088Member # 15088

Posted: 2:51 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

Yes. While I knew there was this "other" world, I seriously didn't realize how close it was to home.

I would expect it to be the lowest of the low on these sites...but it turns out that it is husbands, fathers, brothers, sisters, mothers, YOUR NEIGHBORS (or my XH)...

I used to trust everyone until they give me reason not to. Now I don't trust until you prove you can be trusted. So sad.

Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon

HurtButHopeful?♀ 25144Member # 25144

Posted: 3:07 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

Do you feel like in addition to losing the marriage and spouse you thought you had, you have also been exposed to an ugly side of society you really didn't want to know about?

Yes.

I learned about all that stuff here on SI. I would have never learned about it had my H not fallen in luurve with a woman who was "not me" causing me to search for support for infidelity online.

Knowing all that stuff has not made me a better person. I feel like my innocence is gone. Like others, I see people (strangers) in a different way.

I reactivated my FWHs account on AFF and was absolutely shocked to find out just HOW many people there were all around me looking for casual sex. And when I downloaded my FWHs profile on other sites, I was appalled that although he had used a fake name, he had given more than enough hints that some slut could find him, and by association me, with no problem at our major social hobby simply by googling and then printing his photo and coming down to look at the days/times that were listed on the website that we gathered. I lived in semi-nauseous horror that on some day, some whore would tap me on the shoulder, show me his photo, and ask if I knew where FakeName was. Or would do that to one of our friends, who would, more than likely, correct them with his REAL name, and then point him (or me) out to them.

And the language he used, with pay-me sluts. The endearments, the descriptions .... just thinking about it makes me want to puke.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9603 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

Nature_Girl♀ 32554Member # 32554

Posted: 3:49 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

I used to trust everyone until they give me reason not to. Now I don't trust until you prove you can be trusted. So sad.

A friend of mine used to play a game when we were bored at home: go on CL and find the grossest post possible. It was EASY to win- people go on there and sex advertise for everything you can imagine. "Toilet sluts" and "moms and daughters" and "cream pie cleanup" and all sorts of gross things come to mind. And the pictures... Ugh! I can't even believe the gross stuff out there! Guys blatantly posting talking about how they want to cheat on their wives, wives blatantlyosting about how they want to cheat on their husbands. The whole thing is beyond messed up to say th least.

The fact that my H went there and answered these disgusting individual's advertisements for that kind of crap really made me lose respect for him. I wouldn't necessarily call it a loss of innocence, but I definitely have a newfound awareness that nothing is below my own H. It is sad.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013

LivinginLimbo♀ 35004Member # 35004

Posted: 4:51 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

Add me to the forever disillusioned club. I had no idea that there were sites for "no strings attached" sex.

I went digging on AFF. All those disgusting pics, UGH!! I'll never understand how that garbage is considered sexy.

It makes me so sad that my view of the world will never be the same thanks to the choice my FWH made.

BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years

D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Mar 2012

Thefly559♂ 40268Member # 40268

Posted: 7:06 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013

I agree not about the sex part because I believe that experimental sex should be had between husband and wife only. Nobody should go outside the marriage . I loved some stuff people would consider not normal in the bedroom but I only loved it with the woman I loved ! She enjoyed it when we were young and actually turned me on to most of it then 18 years later she hated it with me! Or she just hated me? Because I found things hidden in our home that were not ours and I know she is doing all the things she should have not stopped doing with me with him now and it kills!!! But I think that now after finding out how many people cheat and think its ok? It is crazy! My world is so shattered I trust nobody , I stopped being friends with everyone! All my friends all her friends and family I chose to start life over. Totally with all new clothes , car , jewelry , friends , I want that life I had gone and just my kids to keep from this mess of divorce. Hope I didn't ramble too much. Bad day for me today. Thanks.

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"