For background, it's about the diagnosis I received about 3 years ago. A major personal disaster of mine was labeled a delusion. But I know it's true. I prevented an even bigger disaster.

I was busy fixing the disaster when its whole existence was called into question. That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I wanted help with fixing it. I did not want to hear it was not real.

But I know it is. I should not have let them interfere with my life. I knew what I needed to do before I was told it was wrong.

I should not have lost sight on what I know. I was on the right track there. I need to get back on track.

I was okay. And I need to get my old self back to get better. I knew what I was doing, and I should have never doubted myself.

<3 I feel that. I may not know exactly how you feel, or what happened, but, being a trans person, I am often told that I am... Delusional, insane, broken, that I should be put down, that I'm a freak, a monster, a predator, a lie.

If you want to talk about this, at all, send me a PM? I know I can't change your past, and I won't even pretend to try that, but I can offer an ear, a shoulder, a wall to bounce your thoughts off of. <3

Of course, I'm not a therapist, I'm just a lil trans girl nihilotranshumanist <3

Yeah, I mean - which part of huge gnawing secret did people not understand? That means I am not going to tell you. Inevitably someone is going to wonder what it is but I'm telling you. You don't want to know. I don't want you to know.

That's just sometimes how it goes. And I'm telling you it's fine.

When I say you won't understand, I mean it. You would have to live it to understand it. I also wrote 20 pages about it once. That might help you understand. Basically the explanation would have to be a small book. No one has time for that. But if I just blurt it out, it will come out wrong. We could no longer be friends, because I know you get the wrong idea.

So unless I intend to become a part-time novelist, you will never know. If you just heard the entire story, you'd understand. But you won't. An incomplete explanation would provide more misunderstandings than it solves. That is a risk that I cannot take.

ExhaustionWords belted off the top of my headA way to cope without controlA better solution than dreadI know I need a helping handBut I don't know what it'd doA lift just to help me standOr just a distraction

Just to clarify, I don't really care much if anyone reads these. Just writing them makes me feel better somehow. And it's nice to know they're recorded somewhere. Also I know KS only reads them because he's a mod and he has to.

It is a reliefIt is a relief, ohThat your pain is over

And you,You look like my father

And I love you but I knowYou lie to meI know you lie to me

And if I dieYou won't cry for me

Like when my father diedI would count myself relieved

And if I died, it should be believedYou would be relieved

I know,I knowYou say what you say because you shouldYou're a proud woman who follows the rules

But it's a lieIt is a lie

You are merciless and cruelDeep inside your eyesI see no love resides

Let the weak swallow the earthAnd the strong walk upon

But you I loveThat crueltyThat I love

You are meanNot trying to demeanBut I would love me an evil queen

Ruling with an iron fist and sufferingI would still bow beneath with you as king

You would let me die and that is alrightAt least you made sure I went with pride

I would march on the front row with you by my sideMy evil queen, for you I dieFor you I die

Assemblageascended partssum to oneunending startsfrom randomexploding downhyper spaceprojectioncrack in the Brahmastrings of intensityfrom a pointto a treeinfinite geometryontologyfininte energyflow in fractal vesselsentropy entropyTranscend for me

The sun-cracked ground was cold and darkOn one cool western desert nightIn a town a hundred miles awayFrom paved roads and electric lights

Outside the town there was a displaced boyOf ruddy skin and darker mindHis tribe had overstepped, and their savage raceAfforded them little to nothing kind

He starved without those skinbound tentsHis stomach carved in painful rentsRevolting on and onwards henceIt seemed to bade him wake one night

When rolling darkness came to himHe knew this was no NanissáanahKeen and ugly, frumped and primIts words seemed lodged inside his craw

As he reached into the blackHis eggshell ken it pitched and yawedEmotions through a degrading mindHumbled, fearful, worried, awedAs his thoughts were rubbed and frayed to rawHis mind shattered like fine glassAll remains were platitudes-Sarsparilla, sassafrass

High on rage and vengeance the boy drew heads as he went pastShyed from by every horse and assHe strode with purpose new

The stripling went on into townSure he would not failHis arms threw wide his head snapped backAnd mouth-to-sky he wailed

The moon burst sticky-bright, intoPustule greens-and-redsThe godling rose above the town,Shining toes-to-headsAs piles formed of newly deadAnd as moonspus streamed in ropy threadsDown that darkest sky into the sand

There was a reckoning there that dayBy my reckoning, anywaysThrough the bloody hazeAnd faint whispers of the moons foul raysI can still remember some things,The skin and bones of the drum-thingsBeating on and on into the night(there were no drummers)

But details remain elusiveOnly in dreams is my mind loose-lippedAnd so here have I roostedAway from those I knew

A boy entered that town that day and later I came outWith uncertain swagger in my stepAnd a new murderer's scowl

Now I live alone I find myself more placidOdd feelings for a man- once boyWho ended a town in dark and in acid

Do NOT stop cannibalizing one another for parts.Do NOT stop in your swarmish, fish-school movements. Do NOT stop building the monuments.Do NOT stop the American-Dream decline into mediocrity and noteless death.

This is our march. This is this young Adolf. This is the Temüjin. This is it.Workless legs and workful asses, sarsparillas, sassafrasses.What greatest minds? What hope? What now? What IS this?