Category Archives: Talking Animals

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the sand is sandy
the water is wet
basically
everything is doing its job
including the sun
which is doing its job a little too hard
because its shift is over and it is actually the moon’s turn
it’s night time is what I’m trying to say
it’s weird
this is a weird story

but none of this weirdness seems to bother the walrus and the carpenter
presumably because they are a walrus and a carpenter
have you seen the kind of shit carpenters get into?
the mere fact that his friend of choice is a walrus speaks volumes
anyway the only thing they’re really concerned about
is all this fucking sand
like
they’re walking down the beach like aww man
who put all this sand here
why don’t they send someone by to clean this shit up

but pretty soon they forget about the sand
because they are terrible people and they have to start doing terrible things now
so they walk up to these oysters that are hanging out in their oyster bed
and they’re like hey
oysters
wanna go for a walk?
I hear that walking is something oysters are really great at
and the oldest oyster is having none of it
this is
in fact
how he got to be the oldest oyster
but ALL THE OTHER OYSTERS are like YAYYY
WALKING
and they swarm up on the walrus like WHEEEEEE
WE ARE SO FAT AND OUT OF SHAPE AND ALSO OYSTERS
ALSO
WHY ARE WE WEARING CLOTHES
WHY ARE WE WEARING SHOES
WE DO NOT HAVE FEET
WE DON’T EVEN REALLY HAVE SKIN
WE ARE OYSTERS
but it’s okay

so after they walk for a long time
eventually the walrus and the carpenter sit their asses down on a rock
and all the oysters are like okay
we’re here
now what?
and the walrus is like WELL
(the walrus can totaly talk by the way
pretty smart walrus)
WELL
let’s just kinda hang out
talk about some shit
like shoes and boats and those weird things with the screws that you put inside shoes
are they called shoeboats?
also maybe home decorating and politics
and the oysters are like well okay
that’s sort of boring
but uh
oh shit
what’s this
(they are saying that because the walrus and the carpenter are eating them now)

yeah so these two bastards proceed to eat all their friends other than each other
with vinegar and salt and pepper and bread and butter
which means that they definitely planned for this shit
this wasn’t a spur of the moment
crime of passion kinda thing
this was premeditated oyster genocide
and then they are done
and they express some kind of token sorrow over the massacre
and then they’re like COME NOW OYSTERS
LET US HEAD BACK NOW
blatantly forgetting that they just ATE ALL THE GODDAMN OYSTERS
so i dunno
maybe they’re not straight up murderers
maybe they are just insane murderers with short term memory loss
that’s better, right?

so the moral of the story
and I’ve always said this
is that there is nothing more dangerous
than an educated walrus

so there’s this farmer he’s got problemsthese problems seem to have taken the shape of a raccoon foxand two extraordinarily large testiclesthat’s rightit’s tanuki time again guysso this fucking tanuki is just robbing this farmer deaf dumb and blindmeticulously thieving the hell out of every vector of this dude’s estateand so one day the farmer is like ok I’m done with thisand he digs a holeand the Tanuki is like OH NOHOLESMY ONLY WEAKNESSand falls inand the farmer is like haha got you now bitchgonna tie you to my ceiling and then go out hunting for the dayand tonight I am going to make you into SOUPDELICIOUS

so the farmer ties that tanuki upand gives his wife EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS not to let the it downand then he goes out huntingand the tanuki is like hmhow can I escape this predicamentOH MY GOD I’VE GOT IThow about instead of having the farmer’s wife NOT let me downI get her towait for itLET ME DOWNBRILLIANTso he’s like hey farmer lady let me down and I’ll totally do your chores for youand the farmer lady is like SWEET DEALHAVE SOME FREEDOMand the tanuki is like great thanksand then beats the old lady to death with a wooden pestlewhich is basically just a big splintery dildoand then cuts her up and puts her in some soupWHOA WHAT THE FUCKI THOUGHT THIS WAS A TALE OF WACKY HIJINKSWHY DID SHIT GO ALL JASON AND MEDEA ALL OF A SUDDEN

well anyway then the farmer comes homeand the Tanuki morphs into his wifeOBVIOUSLYand is like hello husband I heard you like soupso I put some tanuki in your soup so you could GET REVENGE WHILE YOU EAT SOUPand the farmer is like EFFICIENTBRING OUT THE SOUPand the tanuki brings out the old lady soup and then right before the farmer eats the soup the tanuki is all HAHA GOTCHAYOUR WIFE IS IN THAT SOUP ACTUALLYVROOMand he runs awayand the farmer is like aww fuckwell at least he warned me before I ate any soupkind of bad comic timing honestlyalthough now I gotta throw all this soup outsuch a wastejeezeoh wait I mean I AM BLIND WITH RAGEAAAAAAand he is yelling so fucking loud that he wakes up the local talking rabbitthat is the problem that arises when you have huge earsany dude in a 10 mile radius gets fucked over by a tanuki and you gotta hear about itso the rabbit shows up at the farmer’s house like hey manyou seem pretty pissedwhat’s upand the farmer is like THAT TANUKI KILLED AND COOKED MY WIFEWHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTUREand the rabbit is like shh shhwe are past fun-loving anime adventure my friendnow it is time forFUCKED UP KOREAN REVENGE DRAMAand the farmer is like ok I can go with that

so the rabbit goes out to fuck over the tanukihe finds him hiding in his cave or wherever tanukis hideand he’s like yo manyou look pretty shook upwanna go pick grass with me way the hell out of town?and the tanuki is like yeah man let’s get the fuck out of hereso they go out picking grassway up on a mountaintopno witnessesand the rabbit pulls a silenced pistol out of his bagwhile the tanuki is bent over sniffing flowers or pranking bees or somethingbut then he’s like notoo easyso instead they both gather huge bundles of grassand the rabbit lets the tanuki walk in frontand then he sets the tanuki’s grass on fire with his zippoand the tanuki is like hey what’s that soundand the rabbit is like nothing buddywe’re just passing through the zippo mountains is allcrazy natural phenomena amirite?and the tanuki is like yeah i guessbut then he starts to hear and smell fireand he’s like hey what’s thatand the rabbit is like oh no worries dudenow we’re in the fire mountainsthey’re right next to the zippo mountainsit’s pretty logical if you think about itand the tanuki is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUTMY BACK IS ON FIREWHY WOULD I EVER NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING IN MOUNTAINS CALLED THE FIRE MOUNTAINSAAAAAAA

so the tanuki gets horrible third degree burns all over his backand the rabbit is like gee man i dunno how this could have happenedlemme make it up to youlet me rub hot pepper sauce all over your woundsand the tanuki is like that doesn’t sound like making it up to me AAHHHHHHand the rabbit is like shhhhshhhhit’s okayfeel the burni’m totally doing medicine on you right now

but despite all of the rabbit’s fucked up effortsthe tanuki survives his woundshe recoversmaybe hot pepper sauce actually IS a cure for burnsprobably not thoughanyway the rabbit is like fucknow I gotta kill him in a DIFFERENT wayso he goes back to the tanuki’s place and he’s like hey brohow’s it goingand the Tanuki is like fairly shitty but I’m still alive I guessand the rabbit is like that’s cool that’s coollisten dude I’ve been getting really into fishing latelyeven though I am a rabbit and rabbits are pretty much vegetariansi dunno I guess I just like torturing and killing shitso uhwanna come with?and the Tanuki is like DO I?YES

so they go fishingand the rabbit has prepared two boatsone is made of woodthe other one is made of claythe rabbit takes the wooden one and gives the clay one to the tanukiand the tanukiwho knows fuck all about boatsis like SWEETFREE BOATLET’S GO FISHINGand the rabbit is like I’LL RACE YOU TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKEand the tanuki is like YOU’RE ONFRIENDLY TALKING ANIMALS RACING IN A LAKEI KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE AFTER ALLoh no wait looks like the tanuki’s boat disintegratednow he is drowning in the middle of the lakeand he is like RABBITBUDDYHELP ME OUT HEREand the rabbit looks at himwith those fucked up beady red rabbit eyesand he’s like

no.

and the tanuki drowns to deathand then the rabbit goes back to the farmer and he’s like hey manproblem solvedand the farmer is like sweetnow I can sleep at nightand the rabbit is like if you ever need anyone else tortured or killed hit me upi think i kinda got a taste for this shit nowand the farmer is like i’m good for now thanksbut you’re welcome to live in my house if you wantso they live together happily ever afteruntil the rabbit’s trigger finger gets itchy and he turns the farmer into meatloaf

so the moral of the storyis don’t fuck with rabbitsin factdon’t fuck with anyone because rabbits might find out

Hey Hey youTanyayeah that’s right I’m talking to youno not you assholeis your name Tanya?didn’t think so.okayTanya:Cheer upyou have awesome friends and here is a story about raccoons with huge testiclesactually the raccoons thing is for everyoneand maybe you all have awesome friends too but I don’t knowthe point is cheer up

okay so tanukis right?this is some more japanese shitand being japanese shityou know it comes with the seal of ultimate japanese qualityensuring a high density of rich, moist what-the-fuck every timejapan: the mythology you can trustto be really messed upbut okay so what are tanukis?first of all they are as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens(assuming that conveying things at high speed makes them more adorable)second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogsmaking them utterly terrifying ur-bastards of the highest caliberand third of all they have the BIGGEST TESTICLES POSSIBLEthis is not a metaphorthese dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls Citywhen they unearthed a whole case of super deluxe triple XL mentronomesthat they promptly superglued to their manplanksand then proceeded to use the ungodly influx of testosteroneto go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE PROBLEMSseriously go anywhere in japanyou will find statues of these little fuckers all over the placegetting shitfaced in straw hatsand then dropping ludicrously ill beatsdrummed out on their DISTENDED MANBULGESactually you know whatwhat i want you to do right nowis pause this myth for a second and go google image search “tanuki testicles”yepthat’s rightthose guys on the second row are using their balls to bludgeon large fish to deathguys i think i found the best google search

BUT YOU DID NOT COME HERE TO LISTEN TO ME WAX POETIC ON THE SIZE OF RACCOON BALLSor if you are sort of psychic and also a little creepyYOU CAME HERE TO HEAR A FUCKING MYTHSO LET ME TELL YOU ONEIT INVOLVES THE TANUKI

okay so there’s this tanuki righthe’s married to a fox chickand they have a babythe baby is a tanukinot a foxnot a fox-tanukipresumably because the baby tanuki used its massive fledgling testicles to smother all of its fox DNAbut anyway this forest has been hunted all to shitthere’s like nothing to eat anywhereand there are hunters running around all the timeand so the fox and the tanuki are getting pretty freaked outand also starving to deathand they realize that if they don’t come up with a plan they are gonna get fucked straight into an early graveso finally the tanuki is like WAIT I KNOWWE HAVE MAGIC SHAPESHIFTING POWERSTHAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO FUCKING EASY WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THATso what they decide to dois the fox turns into a dudeand the tanuki turns into a dead tanukiand the fox carries the tanuki into townand is like hey guyswho wants a tanukitanuki for saleand everyone is like I WILL GIVE YOU A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THAT TESTICLE DOGand the fox is like SOLDand sells the tanukiand then buys a ton of foodand meanwhile the Tanuki escapes from the house of the dude that bought himand goes homeand everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONGbecause one of the sucky things about foodis it gets eaten and then it doesn’t exist anymoreand so eventually they need to come up with a plan to get more foodand the fox is like alright fair is fairyou got to be the dead body last timei want to be the dead body this timeplus it would be kind of suspicious of the same random stranger walked into townwith the same dead tanukilike hey who wants to buy my balls raccoon for a second timei swear it won’t run awayso the tanuki turns into a peasant dudeand the fox turns into a dead foxand the tanuki carries the fox into town

but oh shitsome of those leviathan testicle veins must have burrowed into the tanuki’s skullbecause this is the point where his balls sieze control of his entire brainand start hammering on every single button marked “BAD DECISIONS”see he gets into town and he negotiates a saleand then he’s like hmmyou know one of the bad things about a wifeis you have to share food with herso how about instead I tell the dude i’m selling my wife tothat she’s still aliveand then he’ll kill herand i’ll live happily ever after!HEY PEASANT DUDE WHY DON’T YOU BEAT THIS FOX OVER THE HEAD WITH A BRICKand the peasant dude is like DON’T MIND IF I DOand the fox is like hey husband what’s going OH SHITand the tanuki just goes out and gets trashedand stumbles back home at like 3AMTO HIS SONlike hey kid what’s upand the kid is like hey dad what happened to momand the tanuki is like uh wellwhen a man and a woman love each other very very muchthey definitely do not sell each other to peasants who then murder themand you know I love your mother very very muchso uhyou knownot that?and the kid is like uh sure

but as the days go bythe kid starts to get more and more suspiciousand also the tanuki is being a huge dick and not sharing any food with himso he’s really got no love for this dude whatsoeverand finally one day he’s like yo dadyou know mom taught me all her magical secrets before she diedand the tanuki is like WHAAAAAAT?!I meanbullshitprove itand the kid is like okhow about you go to a bridge in the forestand I will shapeshift into something and try to cross the bridgeand if you can recognize me you winbut if you can’t recognize me then fuck you dadand the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON SON

so he goes to this bridge in the middle of the woodsand a few minutes later his son shows upbut his son doesn’t cross the bridgeNO NO NO NO NOhe just chills out by the far end of the bridge and waitshe waits for his dad to fuck himself overand sure enoughhere comes the local king on his chariot of jewels and human miseryand the tanuki is like HAHAHA NICE TRY SONYOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND ALSO A CHARIOTALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACEand the king is like ok what the shit is thiswhy is a raccoon dog trying to blackjack me with his ballsack?guardsI believe you are trained to handle wild animals and their comically large genitals?and the guards are like SIR YES SIRand throw the tanuki into the riverwhere he proceeds to fucking dielike an assholeand then I guess the kid proceeds to starve to death because he just killed his only surviving family memberand now who is he going to pretend to sell to the villagers?

so the moral of the storyis I know the temptation may be greatbut try not to assume that everybody you meet is a shapeshifterit is just as dangerous as not assuming everyone you meet is a shapeshifter

so there’s this duck rightshe can talkOF COURSEman just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characterswhere the animals CAN’T talkwatch I’ll write one right nowONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK“QUACK” SAID THE DUCKTHEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREADman okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duckshe has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over themand then they all hatchand look at all these adorable baby ducksholy shit these ducks are finethey are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troyor narcissus and HIMSELFbut there’s one duckwho is more like if someone tried to make a saladout of shityeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shameand the momma duck is like uh whoahow did that come out of meI guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked upanything could have happenedbut damn

but it’s okaybecause as ugly as this duck ishis ass can SWIMhe can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducksbut oh wait did I say it was okay?I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first timeall the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLYGET OUT OF OUR FARMand then his mom is like well sonyou know what they saytrue beauty is on the insideso either you can leave right now or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homelessa couple days old and fucking homelesshe wanders around until he gets to the marshesand he runs into some geeseand the geese are like yo what up uggocome be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuckin fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing laterthere’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTEDmaybe you will get luckya little interspecies romance never hurt anyoneexcept maybe the mutant offspringand the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DISwhen all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADRIGHT IN FRONT OF HIMTHAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THEREand then the other goose gets shotand the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swampwaiting to dieand a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITEWOOF WOOF WOOF WOOFand runs awayand the duck is like well that’s cool I guessstill traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking stormand the duck takes refuge in a farmhousethe farmhouse is full of three things:a blind old womana hen that is as stupid as two hensand an insufferable catand the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCKI HOPE IT LAYS EGGSbut of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggsbecause he is a dudeso then the hen and the cat start talking shitthe cat’s like BOY YOU USELESSBETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIMEWORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOUand the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or somethingand the duck is like fuck this I’m out of hereand that works out pretty well for him because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty coldand the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sourcesbut then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVEDsome farmer finds him passed out in a ditchand takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kidsbut what’s this?turns out kids are assholesthey basically just start punching the duck in the head again and againand he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THISI’M DOUBLE OUT OF HEREand breaks a bunch of dishes and escapesINTO THE DEAD OF WINTERhe sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join themso instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUTWHATHOW DOES HE SURVIVE?this is one lonely-ass ducklingin the middle of the goddamn wildernesswith no food and all the water is frozenand it is snowing and he has no shelterguys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winterit’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTERbut whateverapparently he doesn’t diemaybe he chews off one of his own legs or somethingin fact yeahwe’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legsand huddles inside it for warmth?sureso then he survives the winter somehowand the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond againand there are more of those fucking swansand at this point this duck’s mind is completely gonehe’s been abandoned by his familyhe saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of himhe’s been physically abused by childrenand he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winterthere’s no coming back from thatso when he sees some swans chilling out in the pondhe is like wellI really wanna go over to thembut they’ll kill me because i’m so uglybut you know whatfuck itbetter to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my lifeyo swans whats upkill meand the swans are like what?no way dude you are totally a swan!and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re rightand then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERELOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE ISPRETTIEST SWAN EVERand from then on the swan’s life is greatdespite severe psychological damagebecause now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the storyis to all you ugly people out thereyou better hope to god you’re just a late bloomerbecause otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to deathwhile your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

Okay so I’m taking a bartending class right now and today I learned the origin storyof JAGERMEISTERwhich if you are not familiar with itis basically the closest you can get to shitting into your own mouthactually it’s not that bad i just really wanted to say thatit actually tastes like if liquorice developed a drinking problem

but ANYWAYthere’s this guy named Hubert righthe’s born in some french city with a really german namehe’s a duke or somethingoh wait no he’s just the heir to the dukethronegod is there a way to say dukethrone that doesn’t make it sound like a toilet?also his grandfather’s name is Chairbert

so there’s not really a lot to do when you are mega rich in medieval europeyou kind of just have two optionsyou can have sex or you can kill peopleand while having sex could potentially supply you with an endless chain of babies(which you could then killthus killing two birds with one stoneor i guess two babies with one swordactually you could just kill as many babies as you want with a swordunless they were kung fu babiesbut even then my money’s on the sword)SOME PEOPLE like to keep it simpleand Hubert is one of themhe is all about huntingjust killing animals maybe taking their hornsnot givin’ a FUCK about anything at alluntil one daygood Friday to be specifiche’s nancing around the forest chasing this big white deerand suddenly it stops and turns aroundand there’s this HUGE GOLD CROSS JUST FLOATING BETWEEN ITS ANTLERSand Hubert’s all like AAAAAAAA FUCK A FLOATING CROSSand the deer is all HUBERT YOU BETTER STOP HUNTING ALL THE TIMEand Hubert is like OKAY CRAZY TALKING JESUS DEERand then he becomes a priestthe deer actually tells him to go seek out some specific dude who trains him to be a priestbut whateverthat guy dies like right now anywaycause yeah Hubert goes on a pilgrimage to Romeand while he’s there his trainer dude gets assassinatedand the pope hears about it via Catholic Telepathyand he’s like HUBERT YOU ARE THE NEW BISHOP OF WHEREVER YOU’RE FROMand then Hubert starts getting called the Apostle of something or otherand he gets sainted and shit

see I like the catholic thought processnot gonna liecatholics in the middle ages were all like manthis jesus shit is gonna get old QUICKbetter come up with some new jesusesbut they can’t be as jesusy as jesus because that would undermine EVERYTHINGso let’s make a bunch of bite sized mini jesii and call it a dayAND IT WORKSthat shit is SO ENTERTAININGoh fairytale kick is officially over by the way

so anyway hubert gets home and he decides to fuck up all the paganswho happen to live in the woods he used to hunt inso i guess he uses his hunting powers FOR JESUSalso he cures a case of rabiesalthough the myth doesn’t say who or what he curedcould have been a rabid guyor it could have just been a squirrel or somethingno way to knowand then one day he’s on his way to dedicate a churchand god is all HEY HUBERT YOU’RE GONNA DIEand Hubert is like MAKE MEand god was like THAT’S WHAT I WAS PLANNING ON DOING BUDDYso then Hubert dies

and then later someone invents Jagermeister!it’s got likethe hunter’s prayer on it in germanand the hunter’s badge is on the capand there’s a picture of that fucked up deer on the frontbecause Hubert is the patron saint of hunterswhich I don’t really getbecause how do you become the patron saint of something when you gave it up in order to become a fucking saint?whatever

i guess the moral of the storyis if you are hunting and deers start turning into jesus and talking to youit is time to find a new hobby because you are hunting wrong

I could just copy and paste this whole tale from Grimm’s and you would probably think i wrote itwatchI’ll copy over the first line:“Once a Mouse, a Bird, and a Sausage joined forces.”That is what this story is aboutthis story is about the unstoppable trio of two small woodland creatures and a hotdog

so yeahthe bird gathers the firewoodthe mouse fetches water and makes the fireand the sausage does the cookingeveryone is super pleased and it’s greatuntil ONE DAY the bird is out gathering woodand one of his asshole bird friends has to show up and just fuck everything to bitshe’s like HEY BIRDFACELOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TOTALLY GETTING THE SHORT END OF THE STICK HUHGET IT I SAID STICK BECAUSE YOU ARE GATHERING STICKSseriously though dude you have the shittiest job out of the three of youall the mouse has to do is like get some water and make some firesand making fires isn’t even work because making fires is AWESOMEand that sausage?pshall he does is sit by the pot for a few hoursand then towards the end he swims through the pot a couple of times to add flavorfirst of all that’s really weird that you have one of your friends swimming in your soupsecond of allit’s really weird that one of your friends is a sausageand third of allwhat were we talking about?whateverbasically you need to stop carrying all the wood or I am going to call you a pussnexus forever

so the bird comes home that night and he’s like ALRIGHT TWATBASKETSTHINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE AROUND HEREEFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY WE ARE GOING TO DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO DOES WHATand the mouse is like aw man come onand the sausage doesn’t say anything because it’s a FUCKING SAUSAGEactually wait in that case the mouse shouldn’t be able to talk eitherand neither should the birdso fuck itnobody says anythingthey all just make it known with meaningful facial expressionsand then they draw strawsand it turns out the bird is in charge of getting water and making the firethe mouse is in charge of cookingand the sausage has to get woodhaha sausage and wood are both euphemisms for penis

so the next day they try this stupid stupid arrangementthe sausage goes out to get wood(haha penis)and the bird makes the fireand the mouse starts making some soupbut the sausage doesn’t come home and they start to get kinda worriedso the bird goes out to check on the sausageand quickly discovers that a dog ate itwhich is totally unsurprising because dogs love sausagesand the bird is like YOU BASTARD I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE(remember when i said the animals can’t talkfuck thatthey’re talking nowalso they have police)and the dog is like THAT SAUSAGE WAS CARRYING FORGED DOCUMENTSI MADE A CITIZENS’ ARRESTWITH MY MOUTHseriously that is part of the storywhat did i tell you about copy and pasting this bullshit festivalso there’s nothing the bird can do in the face of that watertight legal defenseso he flies back homeand meanwhilethe mouse has decided that it is time to swim through the soup for flavoringforgetting that he is in no way a sausageand that even if he was a sausage it would still be pretty weirdand the boiling water kills him and i guess he ends up adding flavor after all

so the bird arrives home and the mouse isn’t thereand the bird is like WHERE ARE YOU YOU SILLY MOUSEand he’s looking all over everywhereand then the house starts burning downand the bird is like OH SHIT GOTTA GET SOME WATERso he goes to the well to get the water but he fucks up and drowns insteadand then the house burns downand everyone is deadhooray!

So the moral of the storyis don’t take advice from birdsor else your house will burn down and you will drown while your friends are alternately boiled and eaten by dogs

hey guysif you are not following me on twitterthen you are missing out on some pretty great Rapunzel themed rap battlesbetween me and THE ENTIRE INTERNETthis is not some ploy to get you to follow me on twitteri don’t actually know what I gain by having you follow me on twitterbut you knowrap battles

ANYWAY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

wait what the fuck is thisshe’s called little red cap?what the fuck germanydid you sneak into my childhood while i was asleep and shit all over everything?THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKEWHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOWTELL THE STORY OF LITTLE RED TOMBOYAND HER MAGICAL NEWSBOY BERET?whatever i’m just gonna call her red and you can fill in the rest

anyway so this chick has a grandmotherher grandmother lives thirty minutes awaywalking pretty sweet locationplenty of greeneryoh and alsoCOVERED WITH WOLVESSERIOUSLYSO MANY WOLVES SOMETIMES THE WOLVES ARE SCRATCHING FOR FLEASBUT THEY ARE NOT FLEASTHEY ARE JUST TINY WOLVESWELCOME TO FAIRYTALES

so anyway little red’s mom is like hey redtake this basket full of booze to your gramma in the woodswe all know she likes to get fucked upbut rememberdon’t leave the pathget there as quickly as possiblerememberSO MANY WOLVESand red is like tsh whatever momVROOM

so red is going through the woodsand WHAT DO YOU KNOWHERE COMES A WOLFall like hey little red whateverwhassup where you headedand red is like my gramma’s houseand the wolf is like oh yeah what’s her addressmaybe i can google map you a shortcutand red is like GOOD CALLand gives him the addressand then the wolf is like OH LOOK OVER THERE FLOWERSand red is like HOLY SHIT SERIOUSLY?and then proceeds to spend several hours gathering the PRETTIEST BOUQUET

CUT TO GRANDMA’S HOUSEoh shit we cut too lategrandma is dead the wolf ate hershe let the wolf in because it did a fucking perfect imitation of little redwait is this a wolf or is it that clown from It?I AM CONFUSEDbut anyway then red shows upall like hello gramma i brought you your num numsand the wolf is like YES HELLO CLIMB INTO MY MOUTHand red is like i have a bad feeling about thiswhy do you have wolf ears?and the wolf is like COSMETIC SURGERYWOLF EARS ARE INand red is like ok but your eyes are pretty fucking big tooand the wolf is like oh i’m just mega stonedyou know how i doand red is like well okay but you also seem to have a wolf mouthand the wolf is like oh yeah wellthat’s just for eating youand red is like fuckand then gets eatenTHE END

WAIT THAT’S NOT THE ENDFUCK WHY DON’T THESE THINGS EVER END WHERE I WANT THEM TOno so then some woodcutter shows up to fuck the shit out of grammacause he knows how she dobut he rolls in and there’s a fucking wolf in theretaking a post-carnage napand he’s like WOLF IMA FUCK YOU UPand he’s about to kill it with a gunwhen he’s like waitthat’s not needlessly cruel enoughlemme just slit open his fucking stomachon the off chance that he doesn’t chew his foodand WHAT DO YOU KNOWAPPARENTLY THIS IS NOT A WOLF BUT SOME KIND OF WEIRD SNAKE CREATURETHAT LEAVES FULLY FORMED LIVING HUMAN BODIES IN ITS DIGESTIVE TRACTWHAT DID I TELL YOUTHIS IS NOT SO MUCH A WOLF AS SOME KIND OF HORRIFYING MUTANTbut anyway yeah red and gramma come tumbling outand apparently the wolf drank all the wine too because he is STILL ASLEEPand then the woodsman fills his stomach with stonesand sews it upand the wolf wakes up and tries to chase thembut he falls down and internally bleeds to deathwhich is pretty funnyuntil you realize how INCREDIBLY INHUMANE IT IS

but that’s not even the endapparently a few weeks latersome other wolf decides to try the EXACT SAME THINGexcept this time i guess red is a little less of a fucking idiotand instead of getting distracted while the wolf eats her grandmashe books it to grandma’s housegets there firstwarns the old battleaxewho proceeds to bolt her doorthen the wolf shows up all like IT’S MEEEELITTLE RED RIDING HOOOOODand gramma is like GET AWAY YOU FURRY GODDAMN SOCIOPATHand the wolf is like OKAYYYYYand then climbs on the roof to wait for red to leave so he can eat herbut grandma is a fucking wolf master at this pointshe sees this move coming a mile awaythis wolf is playing checkers and gramma is playing motherfucking HYPERCHESSshe boils some sausagesand then she takes the sausage water and she’s like hey red pour this shit in a trough in front of the houseand red doesand then the wolf is like OH MAN I SMELL MEATand dives headfirst into the water and drowns and boils and everythingand then i guess they get to eat the wolf

so the moral of the story iswolves are not that dangerousnot even shapeshifting superwolvesjust as long as you possess rudimentary surgical skillsmeat wateror AN OUNCE OF FUCKING COMMON SENSE

see there is this old chick righther name is old bettywhich is appropriatebecause of how old she isI think I’m gonna name all my future kids Old because then it is GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE EVENTUALLYunless they get fucked to death in their teens by a bison or somethingbut i mean you can’t think of everything right?anyway Old Betty is supposed to be a super great conjurer or whateverlike she’s got all these potions and shitand like special herbs and other varieties of who-gives-a-shitshe sells all this shit in town and I have no idea who the fuck buys itbut anyway that’s not the pointthe point is she has a pet pig

who the fuck keeps a pig as a petpigs are good for two thingsbaconand crispy baconif I had a pig roaming around my house the temptation would just be TOO GREATbut apparently Old Betty is a vegetarian or some shitbecause she keeps this pig around for YEARSand gives him a shitty name:Raw Headwhat?LISTEN BITCHEVERYONE’S HEAD IS RAWBECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT REGULARLY GET THEIR HEADS COOKED WHILE THEY ARE ALIVEWHY DIDN’T YOU JUST CALL HIMBREATHING LUNGSORPIG WITH OXYGENATED BLOODanyway the pig eats a bunch of her magic spellsbecause it’s an unruly pig that gets into fucking everythingand so he starts walking around and making wisecracks and shitwhich is even more reason to eat him but whatever

anyway one day Old Betty comes into town to sell her mystical bullshitbut HER PIG IS NOT WITH HERand everyone is used to seeing the crazy witch with the uglyass pig palso they’re like hey where the fuck is your pigand she’s like I DUNNObut PLOT TWISTOld Betty uses her crystal ball to figure out what happened to her pigturns out some shitty poacher just fucking KILLED THAT LITTLE FUCKERbecause apparently he is too much of a pussy to poach real shitlike rhinos and elephants and dragons so he just runs around murdering STRAY FARM ANIMALSanyway Old Betty gets pretty understandably pissedso she’s like OH I KNOWI WILL USE MAGICSso she conjures some mystical lightningwhile yelling about bloody bonesand basically the upshot of all this is that Raw Head’s head comes back to lifeand then animates his old bloody bonesand gets up on his hind legs and starts running after the shitty poacherand chases him down at his farm or house or whatever the fuck people live in in the ozarksand just pulls off some classic horror movie shitwhat with the standing in the shadows and breathing in a threatening mannerwhile the poacher stupidly assumes it is some neighborhood kid playing pranksand then eventually he gets murderedbecause guess whatIT IS STUPID TO IGNORE SKELETAL INTRUDERS ON YOUR FARMso yeah he diesand Old Betty is placated

and the moral of the story isif you wanna kill pigsbe a pig farmeryou get free bacon and you don’t get chased down by magic demon zombie hogsusually

Alright so japan is apparently full of talking animalsas this story will provealso other weird shitSO:

there’s an old man and an old womanthis seems to be a running theme in these storiesexcept that in this casethe wife is not a huge bitchand the husband is not an irresponsible jackassso this is a pretty fucking well adjusted family by any standardand one daythe wife is washing clothes in the riveri guess cause their washing machine is broken or somethingand she finds a peachfloating in the river i guessand she is like THIS WILL MAKE A LOVELY SNACK FOR MY HUSBANDand she brings it homebut PLOT TWISTIT IS NOT A PEACH IT IS A BABYor rather a peach-shaped egg that a baby hatches out ofso they are sitting around the table like holy shit what do we dowell i guess we kind of have to feed it and shitlet’s name it MomotaroAKA PEACHBABY

so peachbaby grows up and gets a bunch of shitty ideasand one of those ideas is to go rough up all the ogres that live nearbyand steal all their shitso he is like hey mom hey dadi’m gonna go do something recklessly stupid in a minutecan you make me some dumplings out of birdseed?and his mom is like sure honey whatever you want

so this kid sets off with a bag full of dumplingsand a head full of idiotand basically the first thing that happens is he gets ambushed by a monkeyall like HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEYI’LL HELP YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME OGRES IF YOU GIVE ME A DUMPLINGTHIS SEEMS LIKE A GREAT DEAL TO MEand peachbaby is like yeah sureso then the monkey starts following himand then a pheasant shows up like OY OY OYOY OY OYI WILL ALSO HELP YOU FUCK UP SOME OGRES IN EXCHANGE FOR A TASTY DUMPLING AS WELLand peachbaby is like yeah help yourselfand then a dog shows up like WOOF WOOF FUCKITY WOOF BITCHGIMME SOME DUMPLING AND I WILL GIVE YOU SOME DEAD OGRESand peachbaby is like i like your stylehere’s a dumpling

so by the time this kid gets to the ogres’ islandhe’s got this ridiculous animal entourageand he is basically like alright guysmurdertimeand the bird flies over the walls of the ogres’ castleand the monkey climbs the wallsand meanwhile peachbaby and the dog manage to beat down the front gatesGUYSa monkeya doga teenagerand a bird that looks like some kind of psychedelic chickenJUST COMPROMISED A FORTRESSBUILTBY OGRESWHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THESE DUMPLINGS?and then once they beast their way inside the fortressthey just proceed to start dishing out asses left and rightthe ogres are basically queuing up to receive their assrationsit’s a regular ASS-embly lineDO YOU GET IT

so yeah eventually the ogres get tired of getting skullfucked to deathby creatures roughly one hundredth of their sizeand they are like shit man finejust take all our treasuresure we’ve been saving that stuff for likeCENTURIESbut you go ahead and take itdicksand peachbaby becomes obscenely richand is happy for ever

so the moral of the story isif you’re ever gonna do something recklessly stupidget your mom to pack you a lunch first

Sorry I fucked up let’s pretend today is Saturdaywhat are you complaining about now you get 1 extra day of weekend

Anyway so Japan right

it’s got these two old people in itthey are marriedone is a man and one is a womani just thought i’d make that clearso they have this pet rightit’s a sparrowapparently that is a kind of pet that you keep in japanand the old man is all ABOUT this sparrowbut see his wifelike just about every wife we have discussed for the lastweekand really pretty much every womanthat gets mentioned in mythseveris resting on a vast underground reserveof bitchtoniumwhich is a radioactive elementthat basically just makes you a huge bitch all the timeso one day this woman is doing laundryand the bird flies over to where she is keeping her starchand is like THIS LOOKS DELICIOUSYOINKat which point this dame gets so butthurt that her butt walks with a permanent limp from that day forwardand also she grabs the sparrowcuts its fucking tonguelike she’s a mob boss or some shitand then naturally the sparrow is like fuck this i’m leaving

so later the old man comes homeand he is like where is my lovable feathered pal?and his wife is like HE STOLE MY STARCH SO I FUCKING CUT THAT BITCHand the old man is like jesus christ womanwhy do you always cut my friends on their tonguesfuck this i’m leavingso he leaves and he goes looking for his animal buddyand it takes him FUCKING FOREVERbut finally they just run into each otherand the bird is like sup dudecongrats on finding meand the dude is like sup birdcongrats on being able to talk despite having a cut up tongueand the bird is like dude i have not seen you in foreverlet’s have a FEASTso they feasti don’t know where the sparrow gets all this foodbut he is seriously hooked the fuck UPlike he is so hooked up that the hooks he is hooked up withare hooked up with other hooksthat are in turn continuing to HOOK HIM UPso after like a solid weekof nonstop megafood indulgencethe man is like this is really great dudebut i kind of abandoned my wife a month or so agoand she’s prolly getting pretty pissed at this pointlike her natural state is pretty pissed actuallyso i think she might be getting ultimate pissedand when she is ultimate pissed sometimes she threatens to cut my tonguemaybe it’s better that i don’t go homeso he hangs out for like another week or sobut finally he’s like you know whati kind of miss my houseenough to brave my venomous bitch of a wifeso im sorry dude but i really gotta goand the bird is like aww fuck dudeit was great having you aroundherehave some basketsand the old man is like damn sonone of those baskets is really unreasonably heavyand i am unreasonably oldhow about i just take the light oneand the bird is like sure dude no problem

so the old man gets home and his wife is like WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE I WANT TO CUT YOUR TONGUEand the old man is like chill out i was just hanging with some birdslook i got a basketand he opens the basketand it is FULL OF GOLDWHERE DO BIRDS GET GOLDI HAVE NEVER SEEN A PIGEON WITH A FUCKING ROLEX OR ANYTHINGso his wife is like oh shit yeshold on husbandlemme try and get some birdgold real quick

so she goes to the bird’s housewhich honestly given the details of this myth is probably more like a mansionand she is like yo bird good to see youand the bird is like fuck off bitchand the woman is like aren’t you at least going to give me some presentsand the bird is like sure here’s two baskets but you can only have oneand the woman is like I WANT THE HEAVY ONE I BET IT’S FULL OF GOLDbut guess whatturns out it’s full of GOBLINS insteadi dunno how many goblins you can fit in a basketbut this basket is full of at least three times that manyand they jump out and beat the shit out of herokay i was confused as to where a bird got goldbut WHERE THE FUCK does a bird get GOBLINS?GOBLINS THAT ARE WILLING TO GET STUFFED IN A BASKET AND OFFERED TO STRANGERS?I’VE SEEN DUDES WEARING ROLEXESI HAVE NEVER SEEN DUDES TOTING A FULL ON GOBLINOID PICNIC PARTY OF PAINanyway then the old man remarries and has a sonand lives happily ever after while his wife gets ruined by monsters

so the moral of the storyis make friends with sparrowsi don’t know where they get all this shitbut they will HOOKYOUUP