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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It's that time of year, and perhaps you've got some last minute gifts to get for your loved ones. Here are just a few unique, interesting, useful, and useless inventions and gadgets that probably isn't on anyone's wishlist.P-MateI'm sure it's every woman's dream to be able to pee standing up. The P-mate allows you ladies to do just that! This is not a really new invention, as Europeans have been using a version of this for years. It's just coming to America this year, and just think...now females can pee their name into the snow this holiday season too.

Nuke AlertThis is no ordinary keychain. After a nuclear or dirty bomb explodes, you want to make sure you're safe from harmful radiation, right? This keychain can alert you to the radiation level in your environment by utilizing a series of chirps to tell you just how dangerous it is. Just make sure not to bring the Nuke Alert with you to Christmas dinner, as the high concentration of methane might set this thing off.

The PetsCellIt's exactly what it sounds like - a cell phone for your dog. You feel guilty spending so much time at work, away from your best friend? You can call your dog's cell phone number, and have an actualy conversation with your doggie. Isn't that great? You can also spy on Fido. If he's destroying your furniture, you can listen firsthand to the sound of ripping upholstry.

ClockyAre you like me and have this uncanny ability to strike the snooze button and fall right back into the heavenly abiss called deep sleep...only to find that you've been rapid firing on the snooze 12 times and you're now an hour late for work? Clocky is for you. When clocky's alarm loudly beeps you awake, it suddenly takes off - doing a 'Dukes of Hazzard' leap off your nightstand, and then careens across the room on off-road wheels. You're forced to get your lazy ass out of bed to turn this demon-on-wheels off. I think Clockly looks like a giant loaf of bread with wheels.

RorshockFaithful readers of 'The Phoenix' know how interested I am in psychology. Now you too can take psycho-analysis wherever you go. Imagine what a wonderful holiday you could have - big dinner, exchange of presents, and then do Rorchach Ink Blot Personality Tests with the family! What a great way to uncover why Daddy ignores you and why Mommy hates how pretty you are. Move over Freud!Magneurol6-SDon't you wish you had telepathy? Don't you wish you were psychic? For those that are not born with the gift of psychic power, now you can have it. Taking this pill will "open the door to your 6th sense." Scientists have found that in animals that have uncanny sensory abilities (i.e. dolphins, homing pigeons), they had a high concentration of micro-bits of magnetite in their bodies. By taking Magneurol6-S, you will increase the levels of magnetite crystals in your body, and thereby make you more senstive to the extraordinary powers of the Earth's electromagnetic forces.

And finally...The SmartKlampThe future of delicate surgery is nanotechnology and robotics. Robots controlled by surgeons are beginning to perform procedures, and it seems the future of medicine is robotics. Here's another quantum leap in robotic surgery...the SmartKlamp! Why have a regular doctor or trained rabbi do your circumcision when the SmartKlamp can easily do it for you - with amazing precision and speed. Whether it's a religious purpose or some of you guys out there are tired of your "hood," the SmartKlamp is for you. There is a big market for this product, and I'm sure boys will have no problem sticking their penis inside a plastic tube filled with knives.

Merry Christmas! To those serving our country overseas and their families, may you find yourselves in the arms of your loved ones very very soon.

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comments:

While the P-mate might take the weirdest award, my personal favorite is "Clocky". I desperately need one of these. If I had to chase my alarm clock around the room in frustration every morning, I might be more motivated to get up the first time it goes off (instead of after the 9th).

But the Radiation watch sems to be the funniest. Imagine being able to control when it went off, and you could make it sound like a Geiger Counter. You could keep pointing it at your boss during a meeting and raising your eyebrows at the amount of 'dangerous gamma rays' he's putting off.

I have to agree that Clocky seems like the most useful gift out of all of the choices. I like the phrase "rapid firing on the snooze"....that is so me. It would be even better if it were a loaf of bread on wheels...then it could roll itself into the kitchen and make me some toast while I sleep.

I've heard of the P-Mate before, but have never seen one. I'm not sure I could trust it. Or, maybe it's that I wouldn't trust myself to apply it correctly and then would have to wander around with urine-soaked clothing. Naw... I think I'll skip it.

I had a girl friend try to teach another friend how to pee standing up AT A WEDDING! Needless to say, friend number two had pee-soaked panties for the rest of the event (not that she stayed long). I think I'll send her the P-mate.

I can already pee standing up...all those Kegels I guess, and I don't need the rorshach (sp?) as I already know my family is nuts and I don't need to be circumsized, or have a pet, and my kids are my alarm clock. I guess I'm one of those girls that already has it all and impossible to shop for...

I read all of these, but that P-mate one overshadowed my ability to concentrate on anything else. That is utterly hitonious!I think that Clocky would be a great gift for some people I know. Very cool idea.

They TOTALLY have something with the p-mate. I live with 3 men and am totally jealous of the Joy of Penis at times.

Particulcarly when I am performing the Woman Balancing Act (no tush on seat)in a 100 degree Johnnie on the Spot that smells like ASS. There is a pile of someone else's POOP looking up at me and my purse strap is soaking up someone else's urine on the floor.

Pissy, so did you pee while you ran? You peed in your running shorts? I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm trying to imagine anyone - man or woman - just peeing in their shorts as they round a corner during a marathon.

The other ladies that say they can pee standing up, how is that possible? You must do Super-Mega Kegels or something. Or it could be one of those 'extra muscle' things, like how some people can wiggle their ears.

Well, I received my P-mate today, and I am one very satisfied customer. My hubby walked in while I was peeing in a stand-up position, and he knew that nothing would ever be the same around here again. Even my kids are looking at me differently. I think they all fear me."I'm Jamie Dawn. I pee standing up, and that makes me a force to be reconed with! As God is my witness, I will never be squatting again!!"

OK....I would say I can't believe I;m telling you this, but we both know I'll say anything. so here goes....peeing while running: actually is going off the road, trail, whatever...behind a tree, bush, etc. you stand w/ your legs wide apart and pull the crotch of your running shorts over and just let it flow. needless to say, this involves "drip-drying", but on a "long run" 10 or more miles, you're sweating pretty bad anyway, so you don't care at that point.

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The penis is made up of 3 chambers, 2 large ones on top, which is your erectile tissue (Corpora Cavernosa), and 1 smaller chamber on the bottom from which you urinate and ejaculate (Corpus Spongisum).When you are sexually aroused, your brain releases a hormone causing blood to enter the penis and fill your erectile tissue (Corpora Cavernosa).Corpora The cells in the Corpora Cavernosa are filled with blood until an erection is achieved. You can have a BIGGER PENIS! VPRX will increase the capacity limit of the Corpora Cavernosa thus allowing more blood to enter the cavern creating a longer and thicker erection. VPRX stimulates cell growth within the corpora cavernosa itself. An increase in cells allows for more blood to enter the penis making the penis larger and the erection more intense. The corpora cavernosa are the two bodies of erectile tissue on each side of the penis. VPRX is 100% natural with no known side effects. All growth is permanent.

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MONEY BACK GUARANTEE --Why do we make this incredible guarantee?--Because every thing we say here is true--and we know you will be satisfied with Extra-Size PILLS.

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Just like over 1,000,000 Men world wide Within the first month 91% of men will experience the following --Have harder and bigger erections --Have a stronger sexual desire --Gain both length and width--More powerful Orgasms --Have more sexual stamina

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About Me

Blogging since 2005.
Medical sales warrior by day, writing ninja by night...
I am the author of The Mechanica Wars series. The first book, Dragonfly Warrior, will be published in January, 2014 by 4 Wing Press.
I love science fiction, fantasy, literary fiction, biographies, and chocolate chip cookies.
info@jaynoel.com