I mentioned on Twitter last night that watching Dexter after Breaking Bad is like having a post-coital cigarette laced with ricin and shame. After suffering through the episode, I think that I gave too much credit to Dexter. Despite the fact that it’d be an agonizing death resulting from complete organ shutdown, I think I’d still consider ricin a mercy killing, at least compared to suffering through two more episodes of this terrible, awful season. A lot of shows have fallen from great heights (Weeds, The Office) but nothing has fallen from great to wretched and unwatchable as much as Dexter has this season. It is laughable, at least when you’re not crying from the boredom.

Let’s break it down.

Think about this for a second. In eight seasons of Dexter, we’ve have serial killers played by Julia Stiles, Yvonne Strahovski, Colin Hanks/Edward James Olmos, Jimmy Smits, and John Lithgow. Who does the series cast as the final season Big Bad? Crazy Eyes Gosling. Quick! Without looking, can anyone name the actor who plays Oliver Saxon?

Of course you can’t. His name is Darri Ingolfsson. THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL NAME. Before Dexter, his most prominent role was a recurring one on Last Resort. I watched that show. I have no recollection of this guy whatsoever. They probably approached someone like Donal Logue first, and when he read the script, he laughed in their faces and chose to do Copper instead. COPPER, people.

Poor Charlotte Rampling. In between every take, she probably turns to the director says, “Who the f**k is this guy?”

Anyway, Oliver Saxon/Daniel Vogel has some issues. He’s jealous of Dexter. These are his jealous eyes. FEAR THEM.

Dexter has come up with a BRILLIANT plan for escaping to Argentina. See, although Hannah’s face has been plastered all over the news, and she’d probably be instantly recognizable in an airport, if she traveled with Dexter and his son, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. A family makes her INVISIBLE. It’s kind of like the plot of We’re the Millers, only it’s not an intentional comedy. “Oh, Dexter. Kiss me, you brilliant serial killer!”

How did Dexter manage to avoid capture for eight seasons with schemes like that.

Dexter and Hannah also had the same conversation I think three times last night. I’m paraphrasing here:

Hannah: “I really wish we could go to Argentina now.”

Dexter: “I know! I just have to kill Oliver Saxon first.”

Hannah: “Why?”

Dexter: *shrugs shoulders*

Anyway, Dr. Vogel doesn’t want Dexter to find Saxon because “I don’t want you to kill him.” She doesn’t want to be protected, either. She wants Dexter to go to Argentina. What’s stopping him now?

*shrugs shoulders*

Debra didn’t want Dexter to go to Argentina, either. But then she had a heart-to-heart with Quinn, and Quinn dropped this truth bomb on Debra:

“Sometimes, things don’t feel right. Changing it up is better for everyone involved.”

BOOM! MIND CHANGED. Thanks, Quinn!

Meanwhile, in Nikki and Masuka’s one scene, Masuka chided Nikki for smoking pot. “You have every right to tell me what to do at work, but you have no right to tell me what to do at home.” DAD BURN.

Could someone please explain to me the purpose behind these characters?

Dexter “jumped the shark” when it introduced Colin Hanks as that season’s villain. I struggled through that season and began watching the show on my DVR at fast forward. This season I began watching at very fast forward, but admittedly went to slow motion when Hannah was on the screen. Gawd I do love her. She was the only reason to even turn the tv on. A perfect ending would be to have a banquet with all the characters and Hannah poisons them all. Go Hannah!!!

A new nadir every week. This one’s going to be hard to exceed. That Hannah-Harrison hospital visit was possibly the dumbest plotting I have ever seen in my life. They’re just doing so much stupid shit in order to get to the end (which I actually think might be good, on account of how much they’re forcing the setup). I’ve said it before, but this has to be one of the laziest writer’s rooms on TV at this point. They’re putting so little effort into making things sensible or interesting. Totally tanking the thing for hopefully the sole purpose of making a cool finale. At this point it seems undeniable that it would’ve been better to just cancel the show without giving it an actual ending. Ideally after season 4 or 5.

Oh, and Nikki’s “You have no right to tell me what to do at home” line… Actually, you fucking moron, your employer does have the right to tell you what to do at home if it’s “Don’t do drugs,” because most of them will fire you for that. Also, I guess maybe this is some naive common sense on my part, but I would assume that when one applies to work for the police, a drug test is a prerequisite for getting the job. No?

Didn’t the writers want to end it last season but Showtime wouldn’t let them? If so, isn’t this whole season just a giant middle finger? I’ve gotta think they just said, “Fuck it, let’s just create some bullshit characters and kill all of them below the season 8 finale to cash our checks and end it how we were going to end it anyway after season 7.”

Why the hell is Hannah living with Dexter right now? It’s clear that US Marshals and PI’s are curious about this. He or Deborah could just rent her a hotel room and pay with cash and not have to worry about all this. God this show is awful.

My favorite part is that she just chills out on the patio at night…as if no one can see her there. Forget the stupidity of the hospital visit…the fact that she’s sitting on an outdoor patio which anyone could walk up to (the US Marshall, one of Miami Metro folks) is hilarious.

Why the hell is Hannah living with Dexter right now? It’s clear that US Marshals and PI’s are curious about this. He or Deborah could just rent her a hotel room and pay with cash and not have to worry about all this. God this show is awful.

Come on, she takes care of Harrison for way more than 18 hours. Dexter spends maybe 15 minutes with that kid a day. He give him bloody toys at bedtime and makes pancakes in the morning. That’s it.

All I could think about while watching this episode was that shitty leaked ending, and damn if it wasn’t fitting in perfectly with what was going on. Except it’s Argentina and not Brazil. Knowing this show though, they’ll change it to Brazil for some inane reason.

I watched this on my DVR last night. My wife asked me to pause it about 3/4 of the way in. When I saw that it was actually only 20 minutes in, and I still had over 30 minutes left, I groaned. Clearly the only thing that can save this show is the return of Colin Hanks. Just as Hannah is about to get on the plane, he steps out and says, “Hello whore.” The screen then goes black.

Seriously, if Doakes comes back from the dead and says “Surprise, motherfucker!” and shoots Dexter right in the face in the finale, I can’t help but feel that still won’t be as ridiculous as what the writers have put together.

That’s a very very good question. You’re making me think about this show’s season and I hate you for it. It’s a stretch but: But I guess Saxon was spying on Vogel while sending her brain pieces of her favorite patients, and saw Dexter was her new favorite patient according to her laptop diary, so naturally he thought he should start Operation Dexter Lobotomy.

Sorry dude. I was kinda spacing out while watching it tonight and thought maybe I missed something. I was thinking along those lines of he hacked Vogel’s computer…and decided to date a neighbor of her patient (?)…and then kill that neighbor, cuz murder and stuff…and that’d force a confrontation with Dexter cuz he was real close to her after 2 weeks(?). Yeah, I don’t know. I’d just like something to kinda slightly make sense, even though that wouldn’t.

This is another one of those things that just kind of happened this season that we are not actually supposed to think about. If it was Quinn, then we’re somehow supposed to ignore the fact that he is a cold blooded killer. If it was lil vogel, then that was one weird ass plan.

I hate that I feel some sort of obligation to this show to watch these final episodes because I have found myself caring as much as the writers seemingly have this season. Nothing makes sense, no one is acting in character, everyone is doing inexplicable things. It has been a slog to get this far and there are still two episodes left. It is too much.

Also, based on what happened at the end of this episode and the preview for the final two episodes, it looks increasingly likely that thee leaked spoilers for the finale are actually true. If it is, it will absolutely be one of the WORST series finales ever and will tarnish the legacy of this show.

If I was new to the show & saw that this is how bad it gets, I wouldn’t even start. Or maybe stop after the Ice Truck Killer. But now that I’ve invested so many man hours, I just CAN’T stop now! One more bite of the horrible pie.

pointing out what Dexter does poorly is a pointless task and YET i can not fucking believe that in the end all Vogel was, was a terrible psychologist that came up with the code. that’s it. oh and she birthed a fake Ryan Gosling look-a-like serial killer. but seriously, of all the poorly developed subplots on a show with an epic history of them, the Vogel story has gotta be the worst.

I know he’s a child and I shouldn’t have laughed, but Harrison’s “Ow..” scene was ridiculous. Kids scream bloody murder when there’s a bug around for fucks sake. He should take notes from Holly in the crying department.

It pains me so incredibly much to think back to the first couple of seasons when this show was actually really damn good. And then the Lithgow season was amazing. And now this is what we’ve come to for the final few episodes.

09.11.13 at 4:59 am

Doctor Professor

It pains me so incredibly much to think back to the first couple of seasons when this show was actually really damn good. And then the Lithgow season was amazing. And now this is what we’ve come to for the final few episodes.

Whatever puts off him going to Argentina. The best part of this article is *shrugs shoulders.* Because, there is no freaking point to anything going on. Dexter used to be…like I binged watched the first 4 seasons and it was amazing. Now, it’s like seeing the girl you thought was hot in high school with 4 kids and riding around a Wal-mart in a scooter complaining about Vitamin D milk prices.

That actually was a plus. This season has been horrible. Just one of the worst seasons of a once-respected drama ever.

It is so sad. Breaking Bad is showing everyone how you write a final batch of episodes. Dexter is showing everyone what happens when writers fart on a piece of paper and try to pass it off as a final season.

I’ve stopped giving a shit about this series and these recaps are my only source of knowing just how far Dexter has sunk to the abyss. The writers have stopped giving a fuck , Showtime doesn’t give a fuck. The only people suffering are the ones who still watch this.

What killed me, is that so Harrison is bleeding. okay maybe it’s bad….dexter isn’t answering his phone…so….lets not call Deb. Or wait and call Dexter again. Or throw a damn maxi pad on that or something. One of a million things she could have done, other than go to the place that regularly reports injuries to the cops.

It’d redeem this season. There’d be character development as well! Hannah and Deb have feelings for each other. Hell bring up an arc where Deb has more fraternal feelings for Hannah and Dexter gets jealous and kills Hannah.Any story will be better than this turd that’s currently going on.

Why the hell did they introduce this ridiculous Masuka’s daughter story. Do they honestly think that’s what anyone wanted? Final season of the show, better add in some dumb bullshit about a child conceived because of sperm donation that smokes pot and something something. As I was typing that my brain just totally stopped because it got so dumb.

WHY DID THEY ADD ALL THESE EXTRA CHARACTERS THIS IS MADDENING. every single person on the show that’s been there for more than 3 weeks would have been a better big bad this season. masuka, mysterious black lady detective, quinn, FUCKING DEB WHO CARES JUST ANYTHING.

I gave the writers too much credit a few weeks ago. I though Quinn was the one that framed Zack. That would have been interesting. Nope. They make the big bad a guy we didn’t know even existed until earlier in the episode that it was revealed to be him. So stupid.

I’m glad that finale leaked. I find comfort in knowing which road to Mediocrity they’re taking, it softens the blow.

Harrison critiqued the show best last night, “oww oww…oww…oww.” …it’s no wonder Dexter will be bawling his eyes out by the final fade out. The show’s so painful I should stop watching, but I’m here for Batista’s hats.

Dustin, I don’t know how you do it. I’m barely into season seven and I’m already laughing, shaking my head, and dry-heaving to the scripts. I decided I’d watch season eight vicariously through you; I can spend five minutes reading the shitshow versus spending 53 minutes actually watching it. So, thanks.

thats the same thing that happned in OZ they took a bunch of people nobody heard of before that were going to visit the prisoners and one of the main characters. the bus went off the road because the driver read the script and wanted to kill himself because of how dumb it was. everybody died but one character and everybody in jail was super bummed cuz i guess being in jail isnt shitty enough.