You should be ashamed of yourself!

Wow, how many times I can recall my mother saying that to me. She did not hesitate to call me on behavior or attitudes that were not up to snuff. Parents of the 50s seemed to feel a real moral obligation to raise children who would behave well, respect and obey authority and be a credit to them. Making clear to us when we should feel shame for what we had done or failed to do was just one of the tools in their parenting toolbox. If we were observed failing to feel the proper shame and change our behavior, a heftier tool was brought to bear: guilt.

For example, shame reared its ugly head whenever the time came to address refusing to eat food that would be much appreciated by the poor children of fill in the blank with whatever country YOUR parent used. But woe to the unyielding child who pointed out that there was no way to get that particular food over there anyway, because then you had to deal with the guilt of being a sassy-mouthed kid who did not appreciate what she had nor respect her parents.

Guilt, hand-in-hand with regret, are the very uncomfortable feelings we end up with when we do not deal honestly and in a timely way with the times we feel ashamed of ourselves. Is it not in the long run more liberating to acknowledge our shame, apologize for the behavior that caused us to feel it, learn from it and put it behind us?

Instead we are becoming a waspish, defensive society in which far too many people, both ordinary and famous, seem unable to even admit to behaving shamefully, as we all do from time to time, much less to apologize. Sincerely. And not in a text or a press release or on Facebook. And not because they are dropping in the polls. I think it is called “face time” and this would be a good time to use it.

Not everyone can forgive every wrongdoing – nor should we. However, I think there is at least a minimum level of respect for those who admit that they messed up. Um, unless they are running for office.

The fact that we are short on shame is not just a failing of politicians. How can any of us expect to further personal, parental or civic accountability if we do not step up to the plate and acknowledge shame for behavior that hurt, demeaned or diminished another person? If instead we brush it off or pretend it did not happen or defend ourselves for doing it? If we let our children get away with those behaviors? Are we afraid that addressing the shame we feel will result in our looking weak or foolish? On the contrary:

I think the bravest words I know are “I am so ashamed of myself. Please forgive me.”

In my era of parenting, the 60s and 70s, we tried to model the responsibility and accountability we had learned in our own childhoods while hampered by various new child rearing philosophies. We were warned not to frustrate our offspring or make them feel bad about themselves or thwart their creativity. Instilling shame was a definite no-no. Somehow, with very little clout, we were supposed to get these kids of ours to behave decently, eat what was put before them, go to bed when we decreed and not kill their siblings. The parenting toolbox looked very empty indeed.

During those intemperate years when the Viet Nam war, civil rights and the burgeoning feminist consciousness were challenging authority and traditional family values, we not only avoided instilling some prudent shame in our children, but avoided feeling our own as well.

When I was a young parent, there was a lot of talk about the “guilt trips” our parents had inflicted on us through the control tactics used to get us to behave and obey. When we hit snags on the road of life , we frequently managed to find some fault with our upbringing. Instead of realizing what we would later understand all too well – that our parents had most likely done the best they could – and taking responsibility for our own lives, there was a lot of anger and defensiveness, a lot of gratuitous blame.

Now OUR children complain about the guilt trips we gave THEM! Heh, heh. I guess we were able to sneak in more inappropriate shame and guilt than we thought. I think these “kids,” now in their 30s and 40s, turned out pretty well – sometimes in spite of us. So they have a little guilt. So what? It is like credit card debt – everlasting. It comes with the territory of life and it could be worse. I am still working on mine and expect to do so until I cannot remember it.

Many of today’s parents avoid instilling shame in their kids. That reluctance to call ourselves and our offspring on unacceptable behavior started in my generation, but clearly it did not end there – and never will as long as gossip and politics exist.

This is not to say that Mom’s pronouncements that I should be ashamed of myself were always on target, but at least she did not try to instill shame publicly. I cannot speak for my sisters, but she did not humiliate me. It is so much harder to deal with humiliation, which has to do with being attacked, exposed, embarrassed or shamed publicly. Humiliation is the stuff of bullying and abuse and has its own place on the dark side.

Right now shame is enough to be going on with. We know what to do and if we do not do it, always we are a little less for it.

Any thoughts on this topic?

Mary Martin

4 Responses

I agree completely about a seeming lack of responsibility currently.
My parents took the guilt trip too far though with me. Every little mistake I made resulted in hours of “lectures”. The result is that I have a very difficult time getting past “mistakes”, I can’t let it go, and I’m also very hard on myself. Part of that has to do with my mental make-up but…
I also quickly developed a dislike of math because I was made to feel ashamed that I wasn’t getting it. That was a result of a couple of teachers and my mom. Ironically, I’m actually not bad at math.
Regardless my parents raised me to the best of their ability, loved me,and tried very hard to give me what I needed to succeed in the world.

Ann: Your experiences growing up are proof that there can always be too much of a good thing. And yet you are able to discern that your parents meant well. I think one of the reasons my mother was so vigilant of my character was that, as a Catholic mom of the time, she understood herself to have a moral obligation to instill certain values in me, and to be herself guilty if she failed. Keep sharing. Many of us learn from you.

I’d never use this phrase when speaking to my children. My mother used phrases which were much more vicious (you’ll be committed, I don’t care if you are alone on a holiday, I won’t come to your wedding, skin issue is due to mental illness, great body parts are BAD things, etc.). However, Karma has since become my friend. I say this as my mother (father is indifferent) sits in a nursing home thinking my other sibling is amazing.

Payback is a (blank). 🙂

PS: Those are a few of perhaps 300 examples. Alas, my life is very good now.

Hello, Magpies. Your childhood gave you a lot to chew on – and yet you seem to have swallowed it. A little “heart-burn” is to be expected. The best antidote is your very good life now. Thanks for commenting.

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