Why you reject the “nice” guys (or girls) in dating.

You meet someone and they seem like a possible match, but as the date goes on you start to feel annoyed and uncomfortable with their fondness of you. You give them one or two more dates to see if the attraction shifts because they seem nice and you don’t want to be alone. Still, there is that invisible force that repels you from them. You wonder why you are only attracted to the ones you cannot have.

This is a very common dilemma in relationships. If you are old enough to remember the song by The Kinks, “He loves her and she loves him and he loves somebody else, you just can’t win…Love Stinks.” This about sums it up. Everyone wants what they can’t have but why? The reason…their Love Shadow.

The shadow is a part of our psyche that isn’t dark or bad, but unconscious. What remains in the shadow are ideas that we suppress, ignore them or deny because they are too painful or uncomfortable to look at consciously. What we end up doing is projecting those ideas onto the people we meet. Anything that we don’t accept about ourselves, good or bad, we see in others.

When you are infatuated with someone, you are seeing the goodness in you that you haven’t accepted in yourself. Their rejection of you confirms your belief that you aren’t lovable and you seek them out because it matches your conditioning – not accepting yourself. The ego feels safe to recreate this dynamic over and over again because it is familiar.

When someone is infatuated with you and you don’t love yourself enough, you will find his romantic advances repulsive. Just like you deny your own self-worth and love, you project it out on to adoring man seeing him as worthless. The rejection is automatic and part of the same dynamic as above.

You may say the reason for the lack of attraction is his skin, his hair (or lack thereof), he seems he too feminine, too available, tries too hard, too short, and so on. The rejection isn’t about those things, it is because you see the parts of you that you don’t want to look at in him and you can’t stand to look at them. All you want to do is run.

This is the power of the shadow. It feels like what you are seeing is about the other person, but what you are seeing is really an aspect of yourself. If you do not uncover your shadow, you will play out the same patterns over and over and think that you are just having bad luck in love.

So, some people who have low confidence put on a persona (mask) that they “have it all together.” If a date acts insecure in any way, this type of person will be repulsed by the date’s insecurity. Not because being insecure doesn’t follow the dating rules, but because you judge it so harshly in yourself. If you feel unattractive, too old or not thin enough, you will tend to see lots of unattractive people liking you and pursuing you. By judging them, you are making yourself feel even less attractive. The shadow is projecting on to them and you are looking in the mirror at yourself.

To change your results, you must face your shadow. It is a process you cannot do alone and requires a coach to guide you. For now, here’s something to start with to see your own shadow. Look at the people you date who really trigger you, they are showing you an aspect of your shadow. Your judgment puts them in a good/bad column and that judgment on them is also a way you judge yourself. This judgment limits how you act in the world and keeps you a prisoner in your own mind.

When you see your true self beyond your shadow projections and fully accept all parts of you, you can fully open your heart and accept someone into your life that matches the REAL YOU. There is nothing about you that is broken. The shadow process isn’t about healing at all, but simply becoming more conscious of the divine that is within you.

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6 Comments

Marta A. SloaneMay 8, 2015 at 12:50 am

I have the opposite thing happen; the nice ones reject or dump me-or worse, ignore me and the one who are bad boys or guys I don’t care for because they are too pushy, or boring and pushy, or some other rude habits..they like me. i wasn’t born to be someone’s one night stand, floozy or mistress, I do not want or need those bad boy types..What I want is someone I can love and respect and he wants the same from me. Of course there needs to be love and chemistry, too. I guess what I;m saying is I;m looking for a nice guy-and am striking out. At my age, most people are grandparents or at least married for a significant amount of time. I just feel cursed and confused.. and I hope that changes before I die alone and unloved..I hate the non life I’m going through now.. m

Actually, this is the same situation in reverse. You are seeing your shadow in these men. They are reflecting back what you believe about you. It isn’t about finding the “right” person as much as changing how you perceive yourself. You perceive yourself as lovable, then the men who come into your life will reflect that. Until you believe that you are creating this, it will feel like fate. You can take your power back. Sign up for our free downloads and start to be inspired that love is possible.

MattMay 21, 2015 at 11:31 am

Great article and love your work. What are your thoughts on an ex in this situation? For instance, after you do the shadow work an ex comes back in your life, but now they are basically rejecting or turned off by your new love for them that you weren’t able to express before (because of my own shadow)? Basically, I am emotionally available and she isn’t. Do you think it is possible for them to push through their shadow or will the unconscious continue to dominate. Thanks for your insight, Debi.

Your ex is a reflection of your mind, whatever you have challenges with her is something reflected back to you. That is why we call it shadow, b/c you project it on to her. Instead of waiting for her to change, look within to what is stopping you from having an available person.

MattMay 21, 2015 at 1:01 pm

Thank you! Really is empowering when you can take full responsibility. Just very interesting, as the internal work I did helped draw her back (at least I thought — I had completely written it off), but then she has been all over the place (with words/actions/feelings) i.e pulls away when things get closer. So this makes sense…look forward to what I find out within.

JackieJune 12, 2015 at 5:11 am

What about when the nice guy is not genuine but is covert, not to manipulate, more like being nice as an :in order to’. There is a different feeling when a man is authentic in being a gentleman vs not. Is this the shadow or something else?