How to be…the good, ol’General Otafiire

KING OF CONTROVERSY. Kahinda Otafiire’s views have always attracted front page coverage. Recently however, he was in the news for trying to address angry Local Government officials who expected President Museveni and not the 66-year-old General. He was baptised with water. Still want to be like him?

BY IAN FORD NKERA editorial@ug.nationmedia.com You can be sure that if “Controversy” ever had a baby with “Scandal”, it would definitely be called Kahinda Otafiire. He doesn’t have to justify why he is named in scandal after scandal. It’s simply the work of genetics. It’s part of him. To make the news, rather in a crooked way is his thing. There will always be trouble looming and people talking whenever Otafiire is named in some kind of scandal, but he cant be too bothered. He is always on a chill. No matter how heated a situation is, he will always respond with his trademark hearty laugh and some scandalous quote for the public to munch on for weeks. His full lips are never short of what to say. He will get away with anything except for an impromptu baptism of water like we recently came to find out. For a guy who was been in the face of fire countless times, it was a surprise to see that Otafiire couldn’t run away from a bath orchestrated by angry Local Government officials. They didn’t want to know. Expecting the President to address them at Namboole, they were angered by Hon Otafiire who came to address them on his behalf. They demanded for the President while blowing him off with insults and a baptism of water from mineral water bottles. Bambi he looked like a dejected wet cat. How cute!!! You can be sure that he will bounce back, he always does. To be like the maverick Otafiire, copy my notes.

Be Controversial Hon.Kahinda Otafiire is always in some sort of scandal because his genetical make-up suggests so. Taking him away from the environs of controversy and scandal is denying him the right to live. Just look at his face, he is a scandal waiting to happen. This guy is always named in High-Profile corruption scandals but still manages to survive. Infact recently, he was named in the illegal give-away of Government land in Jinja to a bunch of chaps while he was still Minister of Trade and Industry. The matter is still being investigated. You can bet that this is just another normal day in the life of Kahinda Otafiire. Making news for all the wrong reasons is his life’s purpose. If you are a young man who prays every Sunday, is loved by his peers, tithes every month and is faithful to his girlfriend, your life is hella boring. You need a jump start. If you want a life that only Otafiire can be proud of, fight with your neighbours, throw stones at your enemies and question God. Do this with a smile on your face. You must be able to derive happiness and a sense of peace from protests and angry people. This should be your driving force.

Crocodile Tears Hon. Kahinda Otafiire was once accused of building in a wetland and he fought back saying that he was no crocodile to live there. Too funny, right? Otafiire will crack you up in the most grim of circumstances. I do not know what’s funnier between his humourous one-liners or the fact that the dude cracks from his own jokes. He will send a bunch of journalists on the floor with some random sarcastic jokes and also “die” in the process like some excited infant. The seriousness of Billions being robbed in his wake is a joke to him. Those rumours where he is named in corruption scandals have never phased him. It’s like he is at Theatre La Bonita enjoying a night of comedy. To be like Hon. Kahinda Otafiire, you should have some sort of sense of humour that will make you laugh at your own jokes and tear during a crisis. Laugh off any claims that you’re a thief. I mean, you just picked a couple of billions from the coffers so they shouldn’t act like you run down an entire economy. Ohhh puuuuhhhlizzz!!! They will be fine!!!!!!

Always Bounce Back Hon Kahinda Otafiire is like that rash that seems to have gone away but always comes back stronger. No amount of “Mwana Mugimu” will erase him from society. It’s believed that he might have the favour of someone “above” or perhaps Otafiire has a whole Gigabyte of his nudes. It’s hard to explain how someone so scandal-laden still occupies the highest offices in the land. This lesson is simple, don’t lose hope in this world. However much you mess up, you can be pardoned. Well there you have it. Go be like Hon Kahinda Otafiire