Saturday, August 30, 2008

We did not go backpacking this weekend after all. You may say it's because we're wimps, but we say it's because there was a good chance of snow - SNOW! - where we were planning on backpacking. Yeah. That's more weather than I really want to live out in for three days. Even if it doesn't snow, the highs for the weekend up on Mt Hood near Meadows ski resort (where we were supposed to go) were forecast to be in the low 40s. Thus, when Davan and I returned from camping on Friday, were working our tails off to unpack and get ready for the new trip and Anthony came home from work and announced the weather report, we stopped and relaxed instead.

Davan and I had a nice, very nice, camping trip. We spent tons of quality, good fun time together with just a couple of not so great spots. We played on the dunes, cooked over the fire, swam, rented a two person kayak for an hour, rented a sand board and slide which lead to even more dune playing and generally had a great time. Sadly, I forgot to take the camera every time we left the camp site, here are a few of setting up the tent, cooking dinner and reading in the sleeping bag.

Today I mentioned to Davan that she'd probably be doing a lot of conditioning at gymnastics after having had a week off. She said yeah, probably so. Then she said, "Is it too late to quit? I really liked having the week off." This touched off lots of thinking and frustration on my part. Hadn't we already gone through this?

Plus, it is a little late to quit. We've already paid for September. However, we have not yet signed our contract for the year, so it's sort of not too late. But, she'd already chosen to stick with it! But, if she really doesn't want to do it, why are we paying for it and making time for it and making it a priority in our lives?

We finally told her she could quit if she liked, but that would be that for team gymnastics and recreational gymnastics probably wouldn't cut it for her skill level and what she'd want to be doing. She is a little sad about it, but she's decided to quit.

Wow. What a change. We have to tell the gym on Tuesday. We have to go in in person because we've been doing a fund raiser and have money to turn in. Damn. I didn't have to be selling after all.

Then, no meets, no three hour practices three days a week. It'll be different. And gymnastics has been such a huge thing for Davan for more than a year now. Plus, swimming classes don't start up until October, so September is going to be pretty open.

We decided to take a Do Jump class together, which we'd talked about before, but weren't going to do because of cost in comparison to gymnastics and time. Davan is thinking about swim team and/or track, but we don't want her to jump into anything she's not sure about. Both are quite a bit less investment financially than gymnastics so I feel okay about her trying them out.

I do hope she picks a sport to pursue because she really likes being an athlete - strong and fit and very able physically. I think swimming or running make for better life long fitness than gymnastics and are easier on the body. It's a new chapter in her life at any rate and it'll be interesting to see how things develop.

I'm bummed about having paid for September and I'm bummed about buying the team leotard (although my mom really did that), but it's still getting out cheap compared to seeing the year out or quiting after signing the contract. Any-who, it's a done deal. All decided.

In lighter news, Davan and Anthony put a rope up in the tree in the front yard for swinging and climbing. Why hadn't we done this before? Got us. We had a rope in the tree at our last house, but not here. I guess because of the swing set in the back yard...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Yesterday I had the lovely treat of having the house to myself for many hours. Anthony and Davan did the Portland Century bike ride. Well, they did the half century, but it's still called the Portland Century. They left the house around 7am and returned at 3pm.

What did I do with my time? I slept in some. The whole sleeping less thing? Yeah, that's done. I feel better with more sleep. I am trying to keep it to a dull roar, though, most of the time.

I got up and rode my bike to the grocery store to pick up food for both this week's camping trip and next weekend's camping trip. I came home, unpacked, grabbed a bowl of Ezekiel cereal with a cut up nectarine, some blueberries and almond milk. Okay, so there was a lot more fruit than cereal. Still. Then I sat my but down in front of the computer and didn't surface for three hours.

I do have to say that I didn't sit the whole time. I did watch some youtube stuff, including this documentary about young Chinese gymnasts, which was quite interesting. While I watched youtube, I stretched and did mild yoga. Still, though, three hours of sitting in front of the computer! What a stretch of time. I didn't even blog. At least that would have felt like doing something, what with the writing and all.

I definitely have some addictive traits. Sugar. Internet. I have a hard time walking by the computer without checking for email or new blog entries. And then, once I sit down? It's all over.

I did finally drag myself up, went for a walk and then did a little yard work before Anthony and Davan came home. Here I am, all inspired by the Olympics, trying to figure out what sport I could get into as a 37 year old and still have a chance of going, but when I have spare time, what do I do? Sit in front of the computer.

Now, Davan wasn't around for those three hours, but when I want to be on the computer and she interrupts me? I'm a bit irritable. Yikes. That's not a good thing, folks.

Because of all this introspection in regards to the computer, I'm going to stay off of it for a while. We're going camping Tuesday through Friday and then again Saturday through Monday anyway, so there wouldn't be much time. I'll be back after the second camping trip. And then will be setting some limits for myself. Meanwhile, after this post, I'm shutting her down. Well, actually, after Davan has a chance to reply to her friend's email...

Davan and I go camping together this week for three nights. I think it's a good thing. We're in need of non-electronic time together. And the problem is mine, not hers. The Olympics haven't been good for non-electronic time together, either, and I'm kind of glad their over. I may have to make some decisions about watching them in future years.

While I was vegging out, Davan and Anthony's ride went pretty well. They mostly had a nice time, with a few complaints about lines for portapotties and such. Davan didn't care for most of the offered food, sadly, 'cause that's a good part of what the entry fee paid for. Anthony said there were a couple of times that he asked her if she was doing her part there on the back of the tandem, which she found quite offensive. He did say that she peddled a lot and he sometimes had to tell her to take it easy, but by the end, on a couple of hills, he could tell she wasn't contributing. I'm thinking that's not so back for a 50 mile ride for a 10 year old.

When they got home, Davan settled quickly into play. Her favorite things to play with these days are the "bouncies" which are small rubber animals she's collected from the orthodontist. She's been giving them rides on the train track she built, building homes for them, taking them swimming in the sink. They will be coming camping with us.

Davan took the pictures of the bouncies on the train herself. There were a bunch, but one is plenty to share, I'm thinking. That's our man, Tux, getting a ride.

I'm very glad she's still a kid in that respect. It seems like a lot of preteen girls are trying to be old and don't play anymore. I've seen it happen even with younger girls. I think it's great that she's keeping her imagination and willingness to play. Let's hear it for childhood!

Ami, thanks for the information about homeschooling in Colorado. I went and checked it out myself and, yeah, it's a pretty decent homeschool state, compliance-wise. You have to let them know every year that you are going to homeschool and testing is done every other year. We could handle that.

In addition, I found a secular homeschool group in Colorado Springs and joined their email list to get an idea of what sort of things are available and what the "scene" looks like. I joined a second, welcomes everyone sort of group, as well. I don't have a problem with people who are religious and homeschool, but, as we're doing it for non-religious reasons, I don't care to join groups that are for religious homeschoolers.

We still don't know if we're going to move for sure, but we're thinking about the possibility of moving out of this house even if we don't move to Colorado. Thus, we've decided to act as if we were going to move. This means getting stuff done, people. We've got mega yard work to do, a little cosmetic stuff around the house and two kind of big projects - new floors and a deck.

Even if we then decide to move, we'll have everything done that we want done, which, hey, we'll enjoy, too. So, why then are we thinking about moving even if we stay locally? Well. I hate yard work. Anthony doesn't hate it, but he doesn't get out there and do it, either. So, our yard is a total mess. Well, maybe not total. I've laid eyes on worse, but it's not good.

I figure, if neither of us is going to take care of a yard, we shouldn't have one. Makes sense to me. Although, possibly, if we get it whipped into shape enough, it won't be difficult to maintain and we'll stay. I think we'd be fooling ourselves, though.

Also, on the pretending to move front, we'll be selling off stuff we don't want/need any more. My dream move would be to move with nearly nothing and start building up again at a new location. If we stay locally, though, we'll keep most of our furniture. If we move to Colorado...then Anthony don't think selling off and rebuilding his tool supply is feasible. I still want my VitaMix. Family pictures will need to be kept. Most other stuff can be sold and then bought used at the other end to save the need to move it.

Will we move? I don't know. But the cleaning out and cleaning up isn't a bad thing either way.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Yeah. I'm avoiding work and I'm not overly into the book I'm reading. What can I say?

I'm trying to get the camera out more. Here are some of the results of that:

Davan lost her first molar the other day. It took the tooth fairy two nights to come. Gol-darn tooth fairy.

Davan rediscovered the wooden train tracks this week. She's got a course all set up that goes under the couch and over some odd things. This afternoon she played with it for a bit while listening to Anthony read from our latest family book.

Okay. His face looks a little red there for some reason. That's not his normal look....

Davan decided to give herself a challenge for the afternoon. She wrote it up on the white board. It includes weeding! How cool is that? Some other things are feeding Arie (her rat), reading a chapter of Harry Potter and petting Oscar (one of the cats) amongst other things.

Here she is, weeding, as stated in the challenge. She is still wearing her leo from today's gymnastics exhibition at the park.

Yeah. Davan and I just spent an hour and a half of our lives trying to sell candy bars and meat sticks. Selling for her stuff sucks because she won't speak up fast enough for anyone to decide to buy from her. I don't blame her. I hate it, too. But, that leaves me, selling stuff for her. Which sucks big time.

We tried going to the park. Hey, if the ice cream trucks make it work there, why not? No luck. Davan tried putting on a leo and doing a demonstration to get attention for selling. A number of people watched. No one bought.

I came home, feeling like the crap on someone's shoe. How can people sell stuff for a living and maintain their self image?

We are giving some serious thought to moving. We're talking Colorado Springs. Haven't you always wanted to move to Colorado Springs? It's so many people's dream that it's kind of passe to want to move there, and yet, here we are, thinking about it anyway. We're just followers that way. ;)

There are pluses and minuses about The Springs, as we like to call it.

The pluses:

-good weather-lots of walking/biking paths-a general active and outdoorsy type of lifestyle is common-I love living in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains-a nice little downtown area-close to good hiking-there are gyms for Davan's gymnastics-the skiing in Colorado is really, really good

The minuses:

-lots of conservative Christians-further from skiing than we are now - like 3 hours or so of driving, yikes!-sprawl, lots of sprawl-it's pretty brown - I'd miss the lush green of here-it's not anywhere near the beach, you might have noticed while looking at a map-no big civil engineering firms, making the job situation a bit sketchy for Anthony

Still to discover is what is the homeschool situation? What are the laws in Colorado about homeschooling? What do the support groups look like? Are we going to be able to find secular homeschoolers to hang out with? I think the answers to these questions will be positive, but I've yet to research it.

So, why, given that the pluses and minuses are fairly even, would we want to move? The answer is people. The two most important people in my life are Anthony and Davan, of course. But, next in line are my parents and my best friend, Chris.

At this point in time, my parents live near us. They are still nearly an hour drive away because they live on the opposite side of the Portland Metro area, but they live in the vicinity and, when they are in town, we see them often, despite the distance. However, they each own a house in Colorado Springs and they mutter often about moving back there. Inertia and the fact that we - "the kids" - live here has kept them from it so far, but I think it will eventually happen no matter if we will it or not. If we go, they will, too. It's easy for them to move, job-wise, as my mom travels to her job anyway.

My best friend is dying to move back to Colorado. She's currently in Pittsburgh and not happy about it. She has been debating between Ft. Collins (where she lived for a while as an adult and still has friends) and The Springs (where her parents live). Both have pluses and minuses for her, but, she's told me that if I were to commit to moving to The Springs, that would settle the matter for her. She'd go to Ft. Collins. LOL No, of course, she'd come live in The Springs, too.

With the making of one move, it would be possible for me and all of my most important people to live within a very short distance of each other. My ideal would be that no one is more than a mile away, but, hey, I'm flexible. 15 minute drive or less would do just fine. That's pretty much anywhere in The Springs...

Also, it feels like a good time to move. To have a fresh start. Everyone has been very supportive about the whole Max thing, but putting it behind us to some extent would be nice. Various things are changing on our social lives, too. I've given up game day. The Girl Scout troop has dissolved.

Davan is willing, although she says she'll miss her friends and she isn't excited about moving gyms. Anthony likes his job and isn't excited about finding a new one. There's a lot to be done on the house to get it ready to sell.

We're thinking that, if we do move, it'll be next summer. That gives us a chance to work on the house. It lets Davan finish out the competitive season of gymnastics at her gym. We'll have some time to do some Oregon things we want to do - like backpack with Davan around Mt Hood and maybe go here, which is something we've eyed for a while.

Sigh. We're fundraising for gymnastics. I hate selling stuff. I really do. On the other hand, gymnastics is incredibly expensive. The good thing about fundraising for gymnastics, as opposed to soccer, for example, is that it directly benefits us - the gymnastics family. We get most of the profits in an account in Davan's name at the gym. We get to pay for gymnastics with it. If we go really gung-ho (yeah, right), we can pay for meet fees and travel expenses for meets with it.

So, off we go with a box of chocolate and a bag of meat sticks. Not stuff we eat. But we're selling it. Could I be more enthused? Well, yes, I could. Will I drag Davan out anyway and force Anthony to take it to work with him? Yup. Let me repeat. Gymnastics is expensive.

In addition to selling stuff, I'll be selling myself. Not that way, oh ye of dirty mind. But, rather, my time. I'll be working from time to time at the Rose Quarter, which is where all our big sporting events in Portland happen, as well as concerts and such. Our group "works" at one of the concession stands. We get "paid" for our hours in fundraising money. That means that there aren't taxes on it, it just goes into the account at the gym to be used.

Anyone can work there and give the money to Davan's gymnastics fund. Feel like working at the Rose Quarter anyone? There is a training class on the 3rd of September...we could go together....no? Oh well, it was worth a try. After all, I'm already selling the candy, how much lower can I go?

Friday, August 22, 2008

I've been trying to stick with this whole 7.5 - 8 hours of sleep thing. I think it's catching up with me. It's a little hard to tell because I started my period today and the whole PMS thing, not to mention the first day of my period, makes me tired anyway.

Never-the-less, I'm quite tired. I think I need more sleep. Maybe I'll live a shorter life, but I'll actually maybe get stuff done when I'm awake. As opposed to this morning. It's been a computer surfing sort of morning. Two hours worth now. Davan will be up any time and then it's off to gymnastics and then she has a play date this afternoon.

What will I be doing? Dreaming of a nap, probably.

So far, other than things like surfing the net and using the bathroom, I've managed to write the chore list for the day up on the board and pay one bill. My hand kind of shook while writing the check. Not a good sign.

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Speaking of ways to waste time, we've been enjoying the Olympics around here. I say "enjoying", but I really mean obsessively watching, but sort of wishing for less TV time. We usually only watch about 2, maybe 3, hours of TV or videos a week. We've been watching 2, maybe 3, hours a day. Yikes! I feel like my brain is turning to mush.

The problem is that there is a lot we enjoy watching - gymnastics, diving, running (Anthony mostly on that), swimming (until it actually got to be too much swimming), BMX bike riding, any bike coverage, actually (Anthony mostly again) and beach volleyball. So, we keep tuning in...or, at least recording and watching the next evening. We all have bedtimes around here.

However. Two weeks worth of all of this TV is too much. Yeah, I suppose we could record and watch at our leisure over the course of the next month or so with several tapes to work with. But, would we? Probably not. It's not really the same. And we'd move on with our lives, I'm sure. So, why are we watching now when the enjoyment factor has gone way down?

Well, there was the gold metal women's beach volleyball last night. That was pretty exciting. And the gymnastics gala thing-a-ma-bobber. Of course, that ended up being not overly exciting. But, still, we tuned in. And enjoyed it enough to continue. It's definitely tinged with a little bit of, "Is this over yet?" though. Davan brought a magazine with her to the living room and spent most of the time reading, rather than watching. Perhaps she's the wise one.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's Wednesday morning. The day of the colonoscopy. So, why then, am I not sitting at the clinic, waiting for hours on end? The times were mixed up. My step dad doesn't have to be there two hours early. He just has to be there by 12:15 and the procedure will be underway by 1:00. Okay, then. Only I didn't know until Davan already had plans and I was on my way over to my parents' house.

So, Davan is off playing with a friend for the day. I'm at my parents' house with time galore. What better way to fill the time than to play on the computer?

Well, honestly, my first choice was to watch the Olymic diving from Sunday night that my folks recorded for me, but when I sat down to watch, my evil step dad who, for whom I'm doing this nice favor today, had deleted it to make space. Humpf.

Okay. I was going to ramble about thinking of Max (hoping he is doing okay, but not missing him, really) and frequently checking out the waiting children for Oregon list to see if he shows up (not yet). I was going to go on to ramble about Davan and how she seems to be coming to terms with her feelings about Max leaving. However, my step dad is now making noises about leaving (we'll be quite early), so I'm wrapping it up instead.

I was reading various books by McDougall (a doctor who believes in nutrition rather than drugs and has some good stuff to say in addition to a whole food plan and line of packaged foods), when a small aside made me start thinking. The aside said something to this effect:

Too much sleep will make you more sleepy, prone to depression and have difficulty with coherent thought. 6 or 7 hours a night is sufficient for most adults. Sick people, pregnant women and children may need more. Studies show that depression responds favorably to a reduction in sleep.

Well. I've always been of the mind that I need about 9 hours of sleep a night. 8 is doable for a while. 7 is doable for a night or two. 10 is heavenly. I've always thought/heard that 8 is what the average adult needs. In addition, it's been my belief that most people are walking around sleep deprived and that lack of sleep is a more common problem.

However, as I've posted here, lately, like in the last year or so, I've felt tired even when I've gotten in a good 9 hours of sleep. I've kind of thought about messing around with the hours, but I didn't really think less would be better. I've always been rather attached to my sleep.

McDougall got me thinking, though. So I did a little internet research. There is a lot out there about people needed a wide variety of sleep to feel their best - between 6 and 10 hours is common. This is what seems to be promoted by the National Sleep Institution.

However, at least one study suggests that 6.5-7.5 hours of sleep is probably best. People live the longest who get that amount of sleep a night. Go figure. In fact, 8.5 hours of sleep is more dangerous health-wise than 5 hours. Also, insomnia is almost always a result of people trying to sleep too much. Can't fall asleep? Waking up and thrashing around for a while? Unless you're hopped up on caffeine or under a lot of stress or you have some other mitigating factor, you're probably trying to sleep too much. Get up and do something. Go back to bed when you feel sleepy. If you are up most of one night, you'll probably sleep well the next.

Check this article out. Here's another, more statistical article about 7 hours being optimum. More sleep increases your risk of a stroke, as well.

It is sort of looking to me like research is ahead of the common sleep recommendations by the national sleep institution, not unlike nutrition research being ahead of the food pyramid.

One thing to keep in mind about all this how much sleep stuff, is that it actually means sleep. Not the period of time you spend in bed, but how much of that you're actually sleeping. With that in mind, I'm trying to get myself to wake up about 8 hours after I turn the light out. I figure with time to fall asleep, time that I get up and pee, time that I'm awake while turning over and all, that makes about 7.5 hours of sleep.

Last night, though, I probably should have gotten up after 7 hours, when I first woke up. Instead, I thought, "Oh, only 7, I'll sleep some more." It took a while to really fall asleep again, but when I woke up, it had been another hour and a half.

I've been trying to sleep shorter for a few nights now. How is it going? Well, I don't feel any more tired than before (except maybe today), but I don't feel more awake and refreshed, either. I do like the extra time awake. So, overall, it's probably a good thing, even if it doesn't make me live longer. We'll see if it catches up with me or if I make the change for good. Anthony would like that. He, while being supportive of my sleep "needs," has always maintained that less sleep is better in a lot of ways.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

So, we're all remembering the gorilla dream, yes? Less than a week later, Anthony and I both had dreams about children one night.

I dreamt that we had agreed to go and visit Max and that maybe, depending on how the visits went, we'd consider transitioning him back into our home. I have no idea why we agreed to this, but I was going just to see him really, with only the very slightest possibility of transitioning him back into our home. However, when we got there, that was how everyone was acting - that he was moving back with us. We spend a weekend with him at this therapy resort type of place. I was screaming, "No! Stop all of this!" in my head, but it just kept on. At one point, I looked at Davan and though, "Well, maybe this is best for her," as she'd been having trouble with the idea of "getting rid" of a child, not because having Max around is healthy for her. Finally the dream ended. I woke up immensely relieved.

That same night, Anthony dreamt that we were being chased by people who wanted to kidnap Davan. We kept running and hiding, but they kept coming. You know the type of dream.

Residual stress? Still processing? Yeah, probably.

Then, last night, another children dream. This one is more than a little bazaar, as if the gorilla one was normal, but just remember that it all made sense in the dream, even if it's strange to write it.

There are four of us hanging around in the dinning room/kitchen area at home. The four are Anthony, me, Davan and boy/Max. We're all happy. I keep saying to Anthony, "Who did we disrupt with? Wasn't it Max?" But there Max was - hanging out with us. We'd disrupted with someone, though, which made this happen and work out.

We were also talking about an upcoming backpacking trip and I said to the boy, "Who would you want to stay with? Who is your favorite adult who isn't here?"

He was thinking and looking sad about the question, when I realized it wasn't Max. For one, he was Caucasian and, I think, younger - maybe 3 or 4? At any rate, it was another boy, whom I really loved and cared about and was truly my child. I hugged him and said, "Don't worry. We wouldn't leave you behind. How could we be without you for days?"

And then we were mock wrestling and giggling. Davan was helping Anthony with something. It was this lovely family scene. It felt right and I said to Anthony, "We had to disrupt with Max for this to happen. It's wonderful, though. We're so lucky."

I woke up feeling so happy and so right. Then, when I realized that it wasn't the case, I felt a little melancholy. Still, though, we have that feeling of happiness now, even if it is just the three of us. We weren't getting that before.

I'd say it's a sign - that we're meant to battle on and find the right child, but I know that it's totally not an option for Anthony. He is done. And I'm very gun shy. So, I'll probably just have mild feelings of wistfulness off and on for years.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I'm not a super sized woman. But, I am not at my healthiest weight, either. We could get into an argument (probably) about what healthy weight is, but my belief is that the healthiest weight for a 5'3" woman is about 115 pounds. Maybe less.

The thinner one is (as long as you're not so thin you're anorexic and, thus, suffering from various vitamin deficiencies), the longer life you can expect to live and the healthier that life will be. I don't like being sick. I want to live a long time. I don't want to suffer from chronic disease. And, frankly, I want to look good. I think I look best when I'm slender.

I know what sorts of things I should be eating and, maybe more importantly, not eating, in order to achieve my goals. I've learned these lessons over time. In my early 20s, I ate a lot of stuff that really amazes me now - lots of fast food, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, hardly a fruit or vegetable. I was not thin....but nor was I big enough to feel the need to do anything about it.

I first started flirting with healthier eating really when I was pregnant with Davan. However, morning sickness and cravings found me eating first anything I could possibly stomach and then ribs. Oh man, did I want ribs. Of course, there was the binging on cherries phase, but the rib phase lasted longer.

I was pregnant, though, and, thus, supposed to be putting on weight. So, it was okay. After Davan was born, she nursed. A lot. For three years. I ate a lot, but I didn't gain weight. I did not eat the healthiest things, but, when Davan started eating solids, I did have another brush with healthy eating and what we ate did improve somewhat.

Even with the improvements, though, there was still a lot of unhealthy stuff in my diet and then Davan stopped nursing. I didn't stop eating. I like to eat. I like food. I like unhealthy food. I have addictive type tendencies toward sugar.

I got up to about 174 pounds. It might have been a bit more at some point, but that's the highest I ever saw on a scale. Weighing infrequently, though...well, it could have been more.

Shortly after realizing I was rather overweight, Anthony had some chest pains that he was concerned about. It turned out to be just stress related arrhythmic beating, and not life threatening at all, but still. My consideration of healthy foods went up another notch. And we made some changes.

I lost some weight. I was still pretty big, though. It was very gradual, which is a good thing, but not indicative of a huge change.

The next happening was that we found out that Anthony has high cholesterol. We're talking over 300 high. More changes were made. His cholesterol started coming down.

All of these gradual changes caused me to become more and more interested in nutrition. I've read a whole slew of books, articles and magazines. I've learned more and more. I've found experts in the field of nutrition that I agree with some and ones I agree with lots.

One person who helped me realize some change was Dr. Sears. He is also an attachment parenting guru. He wrote several books on nutrition aimed at keeping kids healthy including The Family Nutrition Book, LEAN Kids and The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood. LEAN Kids particularly helped us down the path of better nutrition for the whole family. The last would have also helped, but came out after we'd made even more changes.

I like Dr. Sears, but the nutritionist that really ultimately resonated with me and makes the best case without backing off is Dr. Furhman. He has several books out now about nutrition. The one I read first was Eat to Live. Next, and what makes the most sense for a family, was Disease Proof your Child. Now he has a book set out called Eat for Health that I'd recommend the most for an individual looking for a good nutrition book, although it'd also be good in ways for families, but I'd still recommend Disease Proof your Child if you're going to be feeding kids with his plan. You can find all his books here.

So, I know what I should be doing. I'd lost weight gradually, getting down to 119 pounds and feeling good. However, I still love cookies and chocolate and cake and Sunchips and TCBY and Ben and Jerry's, for that matter. I love eating out and having someone else do the cooking and cleaning.

We'd been straying down the dark path more and more. We've had a very stressful beginning of summer. We continued with the poor eating patterns we'd started under stress. I was knocking on 130 pounds.

As I posed before, we'd decided to start eating right in August. Sadly, we have not be doing what we should. To some extent...what we've had at home has been better, but it's so easy to slip and little and then more about eating out, about going to TCBY, about extending Anthony's birthday extravagances to multiple days.

Today I got on the scale and it was 130.5. It's been two years since I was 130. I don't want to ping pong. I don't want to eat bad stuff - well, I do. That's the problem.

Even knowing what I know and truly believing it, I still make poor choices. I still really, really crave stuff. Lots of stuff.

How do I get over this and back on the right track? What is the right combination of eating right and indulgence? How to I not slip into more and more indulgence?

Yeah. More about weather. Here's the thing. I know I said that I would enjoy the cooler weather forecast for today. And I am. Really. It was nice to wake up to wet and cool this morning, rather than sweltering and the house too hot already.

However. We're supposed to swim this afternoon. In an outdoor pool. And, in addition to the rain, we're having thunder and lighting. Hmmm....that doesn't bode well for the swimming. It'd suck to miss today, too, because we can't go on Wednesday, our other usual swimming day.

And why can't we go on Wednesday you may ask? Colonoscopy time, baby. Luckily, though, for me, at least, not mine. It's my step dad. He has them regularly due to showing up on some test as being at risk for colon cancer. So far, so good, but he still has them something like 4 times a year.

Usually my mom accompanies him to said colonoscopies, but she is out of town this time. Going alone is out of the question. It's not a hand holding, being there emotionally thing. No, it's a take him home and put him to bed because he'll be under conscious sedation sort of thing.

The first time he had one, he knew he'd be hungry after, due to the fasting and purging that is done before hand. Yuck. Anywho, he talked my mom into taking him to IHOP for breakfast afterward. It was not a fun event. He couldn't order and was extremely silly. In addition, he did not later recall the event at all.

Thus, I have my marching orders. No matter what he says, I'm to take him directly home and put him to bed after, at the most, a piece of toast and a bit of soy milk. Or fruit would also be acceptable.

He's already campaigning for IHOP. Oh Goddess of Food, help me. I'm not one to turn down being taken out to eat easily. I will do it, though! Home and to bed.

Actually, just to take all the fun out of the last paragraph, I am okay with turning down IHOP. Other places, though...well, let's just be thankful he's only going to be begging for IHOP.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Davan and I made a return trip to Rooster Rock State Park Friday afternoon. This time in the daylight.

We're on our third day of 100 degree plus temps here in the Portland metro area. It's very hot for here. We're just not used to this sort of thing. I know it's much worse for a lot of you out there, but, not us. I'm quite looking forward to Monday and the someplace in the 70's sort of weather that is predicted.

Meanwhile, though, I wanted to do what I could to make yesterday afternoon not just tolerable, but fun.

The water access was not overly great, but we did find a nice place to get wet and frolic in the water, after quite a trudge through mud and stilt. Davan and I spent a lovely few hours getting wet over and over, wrestling in the water and playing with mud. Just what the doctor (or therapist) ordered.

Yesterday was the day by which Davan needed to decide if she was going to continue with the gymnastics or not. I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear the outcome.

Drum roll, please.....

She's sticking with it! I actually have mixed feelings about this. I think she should stick with gymnastics, but it has occurred to me more than once this summer that she should be at a different gym with different coaches. But, she'll be staying here for the year. After that, we can reasses.

Now it's time to make up the contract. We'll sit down and work on it sometime this weekend. It will include clauses for just wanting a day off, paying, minimum hours in a week that I'll watch, attitude (which I'm not sure how to quantify) and accurately relaying things her coaches have said to her.

In regards to that last bit, Thursday evening she came home saying that Brandon (head coach) had told her that her glide swing was the worst. Well, that pisses me off. She messes up on one out of the evening and he says that to her? Unacceptable. I asked her on Friday, though, when she had told me she was going to stay, "Did Brandon really tell you that you had the worst glide swing?"

Head down, whispering, "No...he just said I didn't do it right. I'm sorry."

Well, him saying she didn't do it right I can live with. Her telling me he said something much worse than what he said...not so much. Have I mentioned that Davan has a flair for the dramatic? Maybe once or twice?

Anyway, all these points will be hammered out and then we'll all sign.

The thing about it is that it shouldn't be that hard for her to have a good attitude about it. She often comes home either aglow about gymnastics or, after the "bad" stuff, she will say how much she enjoyed doing front flips on the trampoline or whatever. She just glows when she talks about what she can do. Why does making that the focus rather than that she wasn't the best on vault or that Brandon kept correcting her bar routine (which, I might add, is his job) come so hard for her?

Davan and I met my parents for brunch Thursday morning. The Olympics have sparked both my mom and I into thinking about passions and follow through on your dreams and hard work and yadda, yadda, yadda. So, we were having a discussion about that.

We roamed through my violin playing as a child (given up after one year for the trumpet which I quit in a week), my gymnastics career (played out to it's fullest which was not very far), what I should have done in high school rather than just veg away those years (probably ski team or swimming, although Mom suggested that moving on to college early might have been a good choice, too) for me.

For Mom, we explored her high school swimming, her ballet and her current job.

It was a very entertaining discussion. And, although I'd said I wasn't going to talk about it, it tied in so exactly to Davan's decision about continuing gymnastics or not that I said in an aside to her, "I know I said I wasn't going to talk about your gymnastics decision until Friday, but this ties in so exactly with it that I wanted to just say that I think you'll probably regret it later if you quit."

Then Mom and I went back to talking. Davan put her head down and looked pathetic until my step dad finally said to her, "You look sad."

"Yeah! Mom said she wouldn't talk about it, but then she did!" with just a trace of tears on her cheeks, but much anguish in her voice.

Okay, so I did. But, really, I could have said it directly to her or about her to Mom in front of her. Either way, it was very pertinent to the conversation. So there. It's not just me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I gently woke Davan up. We quietly dressed in the sweats we'd laid out earlier. We sneaked out the front door to the car. A 20 minute drive to Rooster Rock State Park, listening to Airborn.

We stumbled out of the car and to a grassy area where there were others, laying around, talking quietly and looking at the sky. What a sky. The stars were bright - much brighter than in the city, but not as bright as on a backpacking trip even further from the city lights.

We lay there, snuggling, talking, giggling and watching the sky. We lasted about 40 minutes until we were too cold and I was too worried about lack of sleep (on top of our trip up to the Homestead with the Girl Scouts over the weekend, which Davan started on a sleep deficit due to supporting Anthony's birthday bike ride) and we headed for home again.

What did we see? Shooting starts - lots of them! The Perseid Meteor Shower, of course. We probably saw about 30 or so while we were there. That was fewer than some reports I'd heard, but still pretty great. Sometimes we waited a while, sometimes they came one on top of another. Some were tiny, some were spectacular.

Thursday. 12:00am. I finally get out of bed to try to empty my mind a bit. Not nearly as much fun as Tuesday early morning. Not to mention that I'd slept some then. Not so tonight. What am I thinking about? Not much, but it still is going around and around.

One thing was this post about the meteor shower. Now that's done. Whew. It was pretty mind-boggling, eh?

I've also been thinking about how to beat the heat for the next couple of days. It's supposed to be over 100 on Friday, which is hot, hot, hot for around here. The 98 for tomorrow will be bad enough.

Davan has gymnastics both days. The gym isn't a pleasant place to be on a hot day. Tomorrow, I'll freeze some grapes for her snack to help her keep cool, but we've got plans before already - brunch with my parents. And we've got to catch up on the Olympic gymnastics! We haven't seen the women's team competition yet due to a busy day today, but, of course, it's high on the to-do list for Davan. And, no, we don't have air conditioning. That would make beating the heat too easy, of course.

Friday, though. I'm thinking of going to water for the afternoon when gymnastics is done. A packed lunch and we can be off to a better place for the afternoon. Maybe a friend can come along. I'll have to investigate that possibility. Or maybe Davan and I should just have some bonding time.

Speaking of bonding time, I'm also thinking about planning a camping trip for the two of us (Anthony can't get the time off, or he'd be invited, as well) for the last week of August because there is no gymnastics. I'm thinking of camping someplace with a nice swimming hole of some sort. But, I've got to figure that out and see if I can get reservations or if we'll just wing it.

That's about it for the mind churning. Nothing life shattering. But, apparently enough to keep my brain from being able to rest. Maybe now that I've written it out....I can hope.

Davan and I have another discussion this morning. It was about just a little comment of mine, resulting in tears of Davan's. Sigh. So, I held her and we had it out a bit. She thinks it's just that I'm blowing things out of proportion and she's tired of having to have all these "talks."

And here I though she was blowing things out of proportion. Silly me.

Really, though, perhaps it's both of us. Perhaps if I let things slide for a while (much more negative attitude than usual, more clingy-ness, more propensity to burst into tears, a lessened work ethic), these things will pass.

Perhaps it is me and I'm just focusing more on Davan than when Max was here and, with too much familiarity...well, there is no contempt on my part, but we do spend and awful lot of time in each other's back pockets, rarely with a third to take away the focus.

It's something to ponder.

But, hey. I live with a pre-teen who is going through a bit of a regression emotionally. It can't all be me. Can it?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

We went to the Girl Scout property known as The Homestead this weekend for our last Girl Scout event. Well, it turns out there will be another, but it was supposed to be the last. Ami just keeps dragging the whole thing out, though. As if we all liked each other and were sad for it to end or something. We'll be having a picnic at some point to get pictures from the year and such.

Anyway, back to the weekend. It was fun. I played a lot of games, helped a couple of girls make pancakes, made up a rhythm routine with basketballs which one or two girls and I did ad naseum, walked on stilts, used the big swing, did chores and actually, surprisingly, slept a fair amount.

Davan ran around screaming, mostly in joy, did crafts, made pancakes and oatmeal, learned to stilt walk, learned to play chopsticks on the piano, moaned about this being our last Girl Scout event, did chores and played, played, played.

What I realized, though, over the weekend is that all of this behavior stuff I've been seeing lately - post Max - is a regression. She was back at least a couple of years in many behaviors over the weekend and in life in general lately. She was louder and shriller, less able to recover from a slight, less likely to see a chore through till completion, more whiny, more clingy....yeah. More like the first time we went up to Homestead, in some ways. That was two years ago.

In other ways, she's still the 10 year old I lived with pre Max, but yeah. There it is. This, too, shall pass, though.

I pulled her aside to try to make her feel special over the weekend from time to time and gave her extra hugs and extra leeway when I could. I also know that these weekends, while really fun for her, can be difficult in some ways because I often spend time (lots of it!) with other girls, making her feel like I like them better sometimes. We seem to have avoided her feeling that way this weekend, but, I'm sure, only because I was pretty aware of the tenor of her thoughts these days.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Enough with the angst. I tell ya, it's getting old. Anthony and I are watching Buffy and are on season 3. Season 2 had a lot of angst with the whole evil-Angel-will-Buffy-kill-him-now-he's-good-but-I-have-to-kill-him-anyway thing. Angst is continuing in season 3. We are not amused. Anthony has labeled this the "poor Buffy season."

And then, in our real life? More angst. We went to watch the last half hour or so of Davan's gymnastics practice last night and found Davan, sitting down, looking pathetic and sad. I called her over and asked what was up. Tummy ache. We took her home.

Now I don't expect every day with gymnastics to be sunny and wildly happy. I do expect, though, for the money we're putting into it, that most days (maybe all but one a month or so), she'll want to go and have a good attitude about it even if she's having a rough patch.

Today she didn't want to go. Her tummy still hurts some. But, also, she just wants a break. She is feeling badly that her vaulting isn't going well. She isn't having fun. Last Friday was difficult with Brandon (the head coach). There are tears.

Fine. But, if this is what we have to deal with on top of paying out big time money (with more due soon for meet fees and assessments - who-hoo!), then I don't want to be dealing with the angst, as well.

If she were to be having angst over swimming lessons, I'd feel okay about that. It's only $25/month. That's not the case here. We're paying $189/month, if we get the early bird discount, which we always so, just for tuition. We've purchased a competition leotard for the price of one month's tuition. We have paid the yearly "team fee" of $75 to help keep the gym up to date in equipment. Soon, we'll be assessed for meets. We have to pay entry fees for the meets Davan goes to - all the ones in the fall are mandatory - and we also have to pay for the coach's time and travel fees. It works out, paying monthly over the year, to just double tuition each month.

Yeah. I'm not paying that sort of money and living with angst. I'm just not. So, this all has to come to a head.

Davan signs a contract saying that she'll have a good attitude and not miss more than one day a month for anything other than true, verifiable illness? She goes back to recreational gymnastics, which is only once a week? She changes gyms? She quits?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I'm trying to get ready to go and support Anthony on his big annual birthday bike ride. It's early. We've stayed the night at a resort of sorts. Davan is still sleeping. I have to get the gorilla that was a part of the package of the room out of it's night time cage down by the garages and up into the unit we're staying in. Because we'll be gone for most of the day, I have to lock it up in a room. It knows this and is not happy about it, so it's stalling.

It wanders off in the wrong direction, tell me (somehow) that it needs parts for maintaining the unit (which is it's job and why it comes as a part of the unit). I'm very anxious to get this gorilla into it's room because I'm supposed to be bringing Anthony fresh liquids and food, not to mention moral support. The gorilla is trying to not have to be put in it's room.

I'm trying to be firm and in charge, but the gorilla is a large animal. I certainly can't grapple with it. Finally, it goes into it's room. Sometime shortly before we finally make it back to the unit, the thought crosses my mind that this is an awful lot like having Max around again.

My SIL is there in the unit, getting breakfast for her kids and wants to engage me in conversation. I'm really in a hurry here. I finally break away.

Now it's Davan, Max and I off to support Anthony. I'm, at first, not sure where to go, then I remember, "Oh, yeah, Timberline Lodge, of course," and we're off. We get to a point where there is snow. Lots and lots of snow. In fact, there are snow tunnels and the car can't fit in the tunnels.

I'm single minded in my effort to get to Anthony and support him. Davan is following me through the deep snow. Max is not longer in the picture. We finally make it to the lodge and there is Anthony, just arriving himself.

I tell him all about what happened and apologized because, in the mad rush to get to him, I left all the food and such in the car. "I'm sorry! I got here, but I didn't bring you anything! All the food is in the car!"

"No problem. Don't worry about it. I'm okay. We'll get it on the way back down," Anthony soothes.

Then I woke up. It was 7:10 and I was supposed to have gotten up at 6:50. I woke Davan up, we threw on our clothes and grabbed our support gear and raced out the door. We caught up to Anthony, who had a nice ride.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

After our talk this morning, things went pretty well today. Don't get me wrong, Davan is still a 10 year old very sensitive girl, but things were pretty darn good.

We went swimming with our friend, Zoe, at a different pool than usual because ours is closed for a swim meet. It was fun, but far, and we won't do it often.

I've been procuring stuff for Anthony's birthday throughout the day. He will be doing his annual birthday ride up to Timberline Lodge tomorrow and Davan and I will be the support crew for his ride. We'll have snacks, fresh water, a lunch for at the lodge and sidewalk chalk for encouraging messages.

Today I took care of his birthday present. Yeah, a little last minute, what of it? I got some food from four different locals for snacks and lunch. Davan came along for one of the stops, which Zoe joined us for, as well, because it was near to swimming (Trader Joe's why won't you open a store in Gresham? I ask plaintively), but opted to stay home for another run out, which was supposed to be to only one store, but multiplied. Whew, that was a long sentence.

When I got home, she went to do her cat sitting duties while I sat at the computer like a bit of a lump. It's her night to make dinner, but she's asked for help with veggie chopping, so I'm off to do that. We're having veggie tort, which she's made before, but I haven't had because I was out of town. I guess it was good, though, as we're having the second showing.

No, not me. I was tired yesterday for some reason unknown to me. I had slept well and relatively long the night before. I was still tired, though.

But, it's not about me. The title that is. It's about my dear, sweet daughter.

Davan and I have a great relationship. She's a really great kid. Most of the time I enjoy being around her. I couldn't imagine sending her to school for most of the day most of the year. I'd miss her. I would do it, mind you, if we had to or if she wanted to and be okay, but it's my preference to hang out with her.

Lately though? She's driving me nuts. She's tired a lot and sometimes things are just too much to cope with and she cries for no apparent reason. There's an edge to our relationship where I'm easily annoyed and she's easily melodramatic that's not overly helpful.

We are dealing with the backlash of Max leaving and a hormonal preteen, so some angst is to be expected. But, still. One can only live with so much before one complains. One being me.

I brought it up with her this morning. She cried and clung. I told her that no matter what she wasn't going anywhere and the look of relief was dramatic. I said that it didn't matter if we didn't get along for days or weeks (although not getting along is probably too dramatic for what we've been experiencing), that she was not going anywhere. She is a part of this family no matter what. We talked about that the issues with Max went way beyond not getting along for a while and I reminded her that he had a sort of sickness that didn't allow him to be a healthy member of the family and that she could not get that sickness - it's impossible.

Sadly, we had also told Max that he wasn't going anywhere. At the time we told him, we thought it was true. We were working hard for it to be true. But, I wouldn't have told him that if I could do it over. If I could do it over, though, things wouldn't have progressed beyond the meeting him stage. Ah well. Live and learn. And suffer the consequences.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

This spring we planted a garden. Anthony cleared a sunny corner of our yard of turf, mixed in some manure and then he, the kids and I planted stuff.

Over time, there has been a little weeding. There has been a little watering. And there has been much wondering. What the heck is that? Is that a weed or something we planted?

One particular plant grew where we'd planted zucchini. And it looked zucchini-ish, so we proclaimed to visitors, with some certainty, "It's zucchini." Well. It's not. It grew huge - pumpkin-ish huge, causing us to believe it was a volunteer, like our sunflower that we never planted, but it doing quite well.

The not-a-zucchini got squash looking blossoms, which kept us on the, "it's a pumpkin" track. Then the blossoms turned into...we have no idea. They are big and green. Maybe they'll still become pumpkin? But they are quite big and not even remotely orange.

Anthony picked up a small one that fell off the vine and brought it in to cut it up. "I don't know," he said wonderingly and brought it over for my inspection. I have to agree. I don't know. Maybe it's a hybrid between a pumpkin and a melon. It remains a mystery.

We figure we have not made back in produce what we spent on seeds for the garden - carrots being our best producers. However, it's been...interesting.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

We thought we'd done a pretty through job of finding Max's belongings, but, of course, there are things we've missed. A Spiderman towel of his showed up in the laundry the day after we sent his things on. Yesterday evening, while playing croquette in the yard, we discovered a soccer ball of his. He had more than one and one definitely went with him.

At this point, we're probably not going to pass on the lingering items unless we find something with personal value to him. Neither of these items would fit in that category. If he were living locally, we'd pass them on through DHS, but, as he's not, we don't want to pass on more than small things unless they are important to him somehow.

I did make a disk of all the pictures we'd taken the whole time he lived here and will be passing that on, as I wasn't able to get it done before the good-bye meeting. I did have the life book and photo album done, though.

And as we come across this stuff? We're still okay. Davan, I still think, feels it more than anyone else because she worries about getting shipped off herself, even if she knows intellectually that won't happen. We just keep talking about it and giving her lots of extra love and attention. I have to admit that, whenever we disagree, I worry, "Will she think this means I don't love her and she'll have to leave?" I know that's not the case, but I don't know if she knows it bone deep anymore. That's sad. She shouldn't ever have to worry about that. It makes me wish we'd never gone down the adoption path for her to have to have those feelings.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Learning from the past, Anthony, Davan and I have developed a plan for mostly healthy eating that we're going to try to stick to in a forever sort of way. We're going to eat healthy stuff at home, which means aiming for predominantly a veggie and fruit based diet with some whole grains, nuts and seeds thrown in. More nuts and seeds for those of us who are growing and/or very active. We will limit, but not totally eliminate added oils and sweeteners. We are allowing up to two food items with dark chocolate chips in them a week, i.e. pancakes on Sunday and bars that are otherwise healthy.

In addition, we will eat out once a month. When we eat out, we can eat whatever we feel like, including dessert, if we so choose. We will also walk over to our local TCBY one Wednesday a month for a waffle cone. They have 99 cent waffle cones on Wednesdays. We all enjoy the experience of walking over for "ice cream" and miss it greatly when we don't allow it at all.

We've also came up with several eating holidays throughout the year. The holidays include birthdays of immediate family members, Christmas, Halloween, Groundhog Day (yes, really - some friends of ours do a big Groundhog Day party every year), free cone day at Ben and Jerry's, Easter and Thanksgiving. On the holidays, we can eat whatever we like.

If we choose to eat out for a birthday or other holiday, then that's our one meal a month of eating out.

And there is still one more caveat. That is that whenever we are traveling or at another person's house for a meal or are invited out to eat (my parents take us out semi-regularly), we will also just eat as we like, which may be healthy choices or may not, but no judgment either way.

There are a lot of ifs, ands and buts in this eating plan, but we feel like it will work for us. Each of us wants to eat in a healthy manner, but we all have a harder time if there is no foreseeable splurge. Of course, sometimes we'll have a lot of splurges in a short period of time, but we may choose to not splurge as much because of it on those occasions. Or if we do, we do. We're still eating in a mostly healthy way overall.

Today we had yet another gymnastics picnic - this time for Devos rather than team and we had our first eating whatever we liked time. Boy we had to wait a long time for that - day 2! LOL Anyway, we took a large veggie tray to share and we all ate a lot off of it. I also ate some watermelon and then went wild with the chocolate chip cookies, one of my personal weaknesses, in addition to a few tortilla chips and a few bakery potato wedges. Anthony went wild with fried chicken, pizza and chips as well as chocolate chip cookies. Davan, meanwhile, only splurged on a slice of pizza with the cheese pealed off. She was contemplating a cookie when a friend dragged her off to swing and then it was out of her mind. That's what you get for being busy, I guess - a lot less recreational eating, which is what I was doing for sure, especially by the 4th chocolate chip cookie...

Davan received one of the awards the Devos coach handed out today. She was the hardest worker in her level. She was proud of that, but also shared with us after that she felt like she was one of the ones who'd improved the most, also, even though she wasn't chosen for that. I think she's right about that, but I also think the coach wanted to spread out who got what and Davan is a remarkably hard worker, making her a stand out in that category. No one got more than one award.

Friday, August 01, 2008

First, how am I doing with Max being gone and really gone at that? Okay, I think. When I see pictures of him or am reminded of him, I feel a little tug on my heart, but mostly, I'm still just really relieved. My days are so much calmer. I can focus on other stuff now. There isn't a weight over my head, just waiting to drop, as it was even when Max was off at day camp or something. He just never truly became a part of the family, so I still feel like my family is intact.

I've been walking a lot, as it's what I'm doing while Davan is in gymnastics (other than watch her) and because Davan and I are walking places together - such as to the library and Boarders today.

We're looking at getting back on track food-wise. I can make dinners that are iffy and not have to worry about it. Anthony and Davan will either choke it down or find something else. They won't complain because I'm trying new stuff.

We'd written off the month of July food-wise. Between the disruption, company and going out of town, we ended up doing a lot of eating out, emotional eating and convenience eating. I'd given up on the not eating sugar thing a couple of months ago. So much for that.

We have a new plan, though, which seems like it should work. I'll perhaps post about it another day, as Anthony is waiting to watch an episode of Buffy with me.