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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The Stairs

Some days, stairs - while challenging - are manageable. Today, I just couldn't do it. I walked around, found the elevator, and rode up to the second floor. Today, there simply wasn't enough energy.

I started to get down about this, to feel embarrassed that a thirty-six year-old woman can't climb a single flight of stairs without needing to have a lie-down. All day.

I started to berate myself with voices - old voices - that, when taken all together, say one thing alone:

You are not _____ enough.

Fill in the blank with what you will...not good enough, not tryinghard enough, not skinny enough, not in-shape enough, not strong enough. The list goes on.

I'm being real with you today, dear reader. I hope I do not depress too much. Is my writing satisfactory enough? Will you comment? Will you come back, even though I am not consistent enough?

These are the thoughts that always stand nearby, ready to exploit any weakness in my armor. These are the thoughts I must defend against, no matter how strong a connection they have to my heritage.

I believe this is what God meant when He led me to Psalm 79 yesterday, especially verse 8. I believe this is what God meant when He called me to ponder the words about enemies ravaging, neighbors mocking, and ungodly kingdoms dooming.

I believe this is what He was trying to show me when He had me camp on Psalm 79:8:

"Do not hold us guilty for the sins of our ancestors! Let your compassion quickly meet our needs, for we are on the brink of despair."

For me, this is a battle in my body and my mind. My disease and disorder (the doctors tell me it is both) is genetic. Something passed down against my will. My thought-patterns share that trait. I was taught many of the lies; through word and deed they became part of me. Now I must unravel them and learn truth.

The lies and disease are enemies, mocking neighbors, ungodly kingdoms. They attack ceaselessly, and I must stand firm.

But what happens when I am too weak to sit, much less stand? What happens when I am defeated by a flight of stairs, when there's simply not enough energy to defend?

Honestly?

Those are the best days. Because, even though I might wrestle with accusations and shame briefly, I have learned a certain lesson very well. Ihavelearnedthatweaknessismyfriend.

In the end, after all, it is not mine to defend but His. In the end, I can't, I don't, I won't be able to. In the end, all I can do is rest in His shadow while He does the work.

So I choose that thought. I camp in that place. I let the swirling words fall to the ground like dead leaves in winter. I lie down. I rest.

And in so doing, I find His strength in my weakness.

Linking up with sweet friends at Soli Deo Gloria today. Be sure to hop over and check it out.

1 comment:

"I have learned that weakness is my friend"-such wise words. Learning this and focusing on God instead of our problems is the only way to make it in this life. And your right, He will defend for us, we won't have to lift a finger or say a word.