Silly is the only way to be

Sunday

Jul 7, 2013 at 12:01 AM

I know when I tell people this they think I’m exaggerating. But I really did have English 101 a total of nine times in college.

Chuck BoutwellColumnist

I know when I tell people this they think I’m exaggerating. But I really did have English 101 a total of nine times in college.I wasn’t “applying myself.”I finally passed English 101 when, after being kicked out four times for bad grades, I went back to school years later and actually “applied myself.” Coming within inches of being bitten on the behind by a water moccasin can really motivate you toward an inside, non-manual labor career.When I finally passed English 101, three things made it possible. First, it was the first English 101 class taught on a word processor. That made writing, and especially rewriting, a lot easier for me. Second, I decided I would write humorous papers whenever possible. I thought if I was having fun, I might do better. College essays go down easier with silly “Gilligan’s Island” references. And thirdly, I really enjoyed the professor’s sense of humor. It went way over the heads of most students, but I think he was being funny more to amuse himself. That’s the best humor. And his sense of humor was dry. Bone dry. As dry as the central Sahara. As dry as the skin on Dick Cheney’s elbows. He looks like he needs a lot of moisturizing.But I digress.These things made it a lot easier to “apply myself.” So finally, on the nineth try, I passed English 101.I really hate embellishment and even exaggeration in true stories. So for the sake of honesty and full disclosure I need to explain something. When I say I had English 101 nine times, I have to admit that one of those attempts was for only one day.It wasn’t that I stopped going and forgot to drop it. I dropped it and signed up for another class with a different instructor.Although I fully intended to “apply myself” this time, I skipped the first day of class.It’s a tradition. But the instructor, I’ll call him Mr. Blahblah, had somehow managed, in only one day, to develop the very worst rapport with students I had ever seen in my extensive academic career.When I showed up for the second day, an ugliness was already firmly established. I almost wished I had been there the first day to see how it had been born. What pit of hell had opened up to spew forth this putrid academic atmosphere? I wasn’t sure if I was going to drop the class, but I had to at least stay to take notes for future humor columns.The teacher and students — at least a group in the back — were making snide remarks at each other and not being shy about it. It was like a sarcastic substitute teacher at a crappy public school the last day of class before Christmas break.At one point, the teacher was talking about what he expected in the essays students were going to write. He wanted the essays to be specific and he said he knew students hated him for it.“Big surprise,” one kid in the back said.The instructor made a sarcastic remark back and continued.“Don’t call it a ‘tree.’ Call it an ‘oak.’ Don’t call it a ‘fish.’ Call it a ‘trout.’ ”He continued.“I’ve had people drop my class and complain about me. I have ways of finding these things out. They say, ‘I don’t like Mr. Blahblah’s class because you have to know the names of all the trees and flowers.’ ”An adult actually said that. That’s when I was sure I was going to drop the class and try to find another. This was not going to be a class in which I could “apply myself.”So I got the drop form and filled it out. At the bottom of the form is a spot to put your reason for dropping. Most people just write “Student’s request” or something like that. But I had something else in mind. It was one of those times when if I didn’t do it, I would wish I had.So I went to the next class and Mr. Blahblah took the form from me. I think he might have to make some snide little comment like, “Hmmph, already?” He started to sign his name and stopped in the middle. He paused a few moments apparently reading my reason for dropping. Then he finished signing and shoved the form back into my hand saying, “I don’t think that’s very funny.”I did.I walked to the dean’s office to turn in the paperwork. I was hoping the secretary would notice. But she didn’t. Under reason for dropping, I wrote, “Because in Mr. Blahblah’s class, you have to know the names of all the trees and flowers.”He didn’t think it was very funny. I did. And I was pleased. When it comes to being silly, I am very good at “applying myself.”Cha-cha-cha.

Chuck Boutwell is a humor columnist for The Courier and Daily Comet. Columns represent the opinions of the writer, not necessarily this newspaper. He can be reached at chuckboutwell@yahoo.com.

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