Jen and Vince’s reps join forces to put the final nail in the Vaughniston coffin: “Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship.” The reps admit the two broke up in October, after Jen visited Vince in London. So, you know, right around when the blogosphere said they did. [Dirty Laundry]

Scarlett Johansson: “Please masturbate to me. I want you to. I need you to. Do it three, four, five times a day. Before bed, in the morning, at the office, at your children’s day care, between rounds of golf, in front of your girlfriend, at your mother’s house, in the boss’s office, in the cafeteria, onto the mashed potatoes, anywhere, everywhere, I don’t care, just as long as you’re masturbating to me.” [Agent Bedhead]

Lance Bass says that he and Reichen are still trying to work things out. He made the statement via MySpace, which is totally Hollywood’s hottest PR agency right now. [ICYDK]

Vince Vaughn is really, really pissed he got caught making out with a homely blonde in London last week. The actor plans to take legal action against the British tabloids the Sun and the Daily Mirror, as well as against the New York Post for suggesting that he and Aniston had split, or that he had cheated on her.

On Wednesday’s Oprah, Aniston reiterated that all was well in paradise — she and Vince were still together, and she is still so totally over that Brad Pitt guy.

Is this really what it takes to get these two to admit they were even together in the first place?

Bad day for Jennifer Aniston, good day for The Sun. After knocking it out of the ballpark with their hard-hitting headline on the North Korean nuclear crisis, they report that a drunken Vaughn was making out with a mystery blonde in London:

The comedy actor got up close with the mystery girl after arriving for a London showbiz bash in a stained sweatshirt and with the fly of his jeans undone.The Dodgeball funnyman’s unkempt appearance amazed fellow guests at the after-show party for a theatre event he starred in.

Seriously, The Sun is on fire. (Har har har). Now if only they could find a copy-editor who knows how to spell “theater.”

Am I the only writer in the blogosphere more interested in the “Simpsons Strike Back at Dad” headline? Images of Jessica and Ashlee in super-cute guerilla gear, storming the Joe Simpson compound with M-16s and grenades, demanding the prompt return of their innocence, reputations, original noses, and chances of ever having a healthy relationship with a man?

But, alas, the blogosphere is abuzz with this news; it’s likely that the only person on the planet more apathetic than I toward the looming Vaughniston alliance is Brad Pitt.

Hey, Brad, if you’re reading this, you should totally come over tonight. We don’t have to do this alone. We can wade through our Vaughniston ennui hand-in-hand. I have whipped cream and a cat you can call Maddox. Just say you’ll think about it.

Update: Jen’s rep says it’s not true. You know, this is really the bloggers’ fault. If we would only buzz about Us Weekly every day enthusiastically no matter what forever and ever amen, they wouldn’t have to do this sort of thing to us. Jesus. Now wash up the blood, sweetie, and start dinner. That’s a good girl.

Brad: I still have the whipped cream and the cat. Let’s not allow this shocking turn of events to spoil our dreams. Call me.