THE easiest way to tell the difference between last night's two
talent shows, The Leaders' Debate and Australian Idol
, was that the first had suits and ties, and the second did
not.

The first didn't have music, either, and nor was a contestant
told "You can either get smashed by waves or learn to surf",
although the phrase "I found the whole thing boring" was uttered in
the second, but only insinuated in the first.

The format of the debate from the Great Hall of the People of
Australia, or some such cavernous, echoing space unsuited to public
performance, was a more refined  indeed, static and
passionless to the point of calling it a Noh Play  version of
the son et lumiere on Channel Ten, with artists strutting
and wailing on a wedge-shaped stage the shape and dramatic hue of a
slice of economic pie-chart.

Otherwise, the processes were identical: facing direct criticism
in the form of a panel in an attempt to qualify for wider judgement
from the public at large. Mind you, the Prime Minister, at one
stage discussing accountability, came threateningly close to
bursting into song: "As the head of the government, may I say to my
fellow Australians, I will take my lumps. Look at the record."

Suddenly, Ol' Eye Brows was Ol' Blue Eyes: I take the blows. I
did it Myyyyyyyy Wayyyyyyyy! The hat, cigarette between two fingers
and glass of Scotch were unnecessary.

The Opposition Leader, perhaps in a form of Tin Pan Alley
me-too-ism, began with a riff on the word "future" that would not
have disgraced Fats Domino: "This election is about the future, the
future of our families and the future of the nation. New leadership
for the future." Body language was at a minimum. Mr Howard made
much use of his right arm, particularly the fist at the end of it,
which he bought down to emphasise words as if forging a horseshoe
on an invisible anvil.

Mr Rudd made more fluid use of his hands, as if cueing the
violas in the slow movement.

Entertainment, if any was to be found, was elsewhere. A cutaway
shot of Peter Costello and his neighbour, Alexander Downer,
grinning and giggling just like Statler and Waldorf in their stage
box in The Muppet Show. One delightful aside came when the
moderator, David Speers, cautioned the audience: "Keep your
responses to yourself until the end of the broadcast." Mr Rudd:
"What about the Treasurer, then?"

The leader-to-leader part at the end was gladiatorial: Sunday
night at the Colosseum, with rubber swords and toothless lions.

Was this a genuine debate? Considering it was the only one, and
on so early before polling day, it was a useful summary of week one
of the election campaign. By the end of 90 minutes, one of the
panel said: "I was expecting a little more zest, a little more
entertainment. It had all the choreographic zest of a dole
queue."

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