We all know how Ricky feels about the gays, which is why I created this completely family- and kid-friendly burger, perfect for you're whole family to enjoy! You'll taste the sanctity of traditional marriage in every bite!

Why have just one burger when you can have three at once? That's why I made three nice and plump burgers for Mr. Gingrich. I think he'll like them so much he'll want to marry all three!

4. Ron Paul: "The Slim Burger"

Turkey Burger and Lettuce on a Bun

Ron Paul wants a slimmer government, so I created a slimmer burger. And let's be honest, this burger is about as exciting as the Paul campaign gets.

5. Herman Cain: "The 999 Burger"

All-Beef Burger and Marshmallow Fluff on a Bun

Mr. Cain's 999 tax plan was a whole lot of fluff, which is why I topped this burger with fluff in marshmallow form. How much do I actually want to eat this burger? About as much as I'd like to imagine this former pizza executive as Commander in Chief.

You could have taken care of all the candidates with one simple burger: The 100% Horse Manure Burger! 100% fertilizer-grade horse manure (imported from China) slipped between two slices of (Let Them Eat) Cake, complete with a 60-second, $100 million ad claiming that it's really beef and really tasty, and if you don't believe it your some kind of Kenyan Anti Colonialist Secret Muslim America-Hating Socialist...