Okay, ladies. After my last post where I addressed the men in our live; it occurred to me that we should also discuss exactly how much responsibility us gals should take when it comes to how our perimenopause is affecting our spouses, our children, and maybe even small dogs. So lay down your weapons. Let’s talk.

First of all, I know what some of you are thinking already………

“Hey! Wait a minute! That’s not fair! We are the one who are suffering, not them! Let them have this hell for a month or two! Then they’ll know how it really feels!”

And that is true – just not completely. They are suffering too. Unfortunately, way too often it is those closest to us who bear the brunt of our raging hormones. It is a very unpleasant, unintended, but real side-effect.

We just cannot deny the deleterious effect it is having on them as well. Take for example, this comment posted by a daughter of a woman going through perimenopause on a forum discussing said perimenopause:

She’s sarcastic with everything you say to her no matter how nice or sweet it is, she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves herself, and she FLIPS OUT over the LITTLEST things. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! SHES INSANE!

I try to deal with her as LITTLE as possible and just avoid doing things that make her act crazy but it seems like its unavoidable! Its soooo annoying i [sic] just wanna put MYSELF out of my OWN misery living here!

Now, I’m going to be honest and tell you that my first thoughts were: “what a selfish daughter you are!” Clearly this young person has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever toward her mother and what she is going through!

No woman, and I repeat, no woman, in her right mind would choose to be an out of control, raging hormonal maniac! Not one. However, that said, it is also true that it is extremely difficult for those around us to cope with it as well.

I know we all want our husbands to be a solid rock for us during this time – and perhaps they often are. But, they are human too, and certainly our children are as well. So perhaps it’s not fair of us to expect or even want them to be almost God-like toward us when we are clearly channeling the devil. Though I will confess, it would be nice if they could.

So What Can We Do?

Well, first of all, let’s realize we are not powerless. Not completely. I know when we are in the throes of a hormonally induced mood-swing, night sweats, hot flashes, or endless nights of insomnia rendering us completely and utterly exhausted, we certainly FEEL out of control.

But, there are still things we can do to help our loved ones, and in doing so, hopefully we will help ourselves as well.

Use Pre-Emptive Strikes

Seriously. A simple heads-up is a great place to start. Once it has been established that you are indeed going through perimenopause, a good: honey-we-need-to-talk-type-of- conversation might be in order.

Explain to your husband and family what perimenopause is, and no, they don’t know! It’s happening to you, not them! Explain what the symptoms are and what they can likely expect. If you’ve been in that “not so nice place” already, then you can help them understand why.

Let them know from the get-go, it’s not them or anything they’ve done. And while you’re at it, go ahead let them know the average time for most women in perimenopause is 5 to 10 years. So, if they feel they may need to invest in a prescription for Prozac or Valium, now might be a good time.

Bring in Outside Resources

For some husbands and kids, a good book might be useful. For husbands especially, it is helpful if they can see it or read it somewhere else. It seems to validate it more for them if they can see some real scientific, concrete evidence for your complete and total loss of sanity.

I’ve seen a few books here and there that are written especially for men, but if you can’t find one, just look for something that is straight forward and offers a good explanation for what is happening.

Keep Everyone Informed & Aware of Your Cycles

I know this may seem a little weird. Especially for your children. But, marking days on a centrally located calendar (which was one of my personal strategies) can be helpful as well.

If family members have a general idea when “hell week” (as I so affectionately referred to it ) will occur, then they too can brace themselves for any potential melt-downs. (Or find the nearest bunker – whichever seems more practical )

However, also be sure and let them know that perimenopause is not always a cooperative hormone-buddy. In fact, one of the classic hallmarks of perimenopause is the unpredictability.

So, try as we may to nail it down, it doesn’t always work that way. It’s like shadow chasing. This element alone was enough to drive me absolutely mad.

Let them know anyway. You’re trying to be helpful, remember?

Let Them Know You Are Seeing a Doctor and What You Will Do About It

Okay, I mean, you don’t need a bull horn or anything. But if you’ve already seen a doctor, let them know. If you haven’t seen a doctor yet, get thee to one quickly.

If you are one of those brave souls who plans to get through this time without any of the above, well, I hate you, and you can skip this section.

For the rest of us, it is helpful if our family sees that we are trying to do something about the crazy symptoms. If we are taking personal responsibility they will see that, and well, every little bit helps.

If All Your Best Efforts Fail – Then What?

Yeah. Now what, Mags? I’ve done everything you suggested and I still turned into a fire-breathing dragon. I’ve scorched the entire earth with my raging mood swings and have sent my children and husband scampering for cover. So what do I do now?

Apologize. Apologize. Apologize.

Yes. You heard me. Apologize. Perhaps you already do this. Good for you. It certainly became a regular M.O. for me. I would make the rounds and tell everyone I was sorry for things I said, how I behaved, and for anything that may have gotten broken in the process. (just kidding – but not totally )

Then I would remind them once again what was happening and ask them for forgiveness and some grace. This goes a long way ladies. A humble apology is rarely rejected by those who love you!

Finally, Give Yourself Some Grace

One of my biggest shortcomings is that I tend to come down very hard on myself for my mistakes and failures. Compound this with the fact that I also tend to be a control freak and perimenopause is a recipe for total neurosis.

Think about it: a control freak trying to control the uncontrollable and then beating myself up for failing to control the uncontrollable.

Yeah – total psycho. I know.

But, it has become very clear to me that giving myself a big fat break during this time is extremely helpful. When you blow it, own up to ,and move on. There’s really nothing more that you can do.

The quicker we realize this and accept it, then the easier it is for everyone. Especially you.

I am laughing and crying as I read your post. It is all so true. Being in a menopausal type of business ( wicking pajamas) as well as going through the change myself I can totally relate to what you have written. Thanks for brightening my day.

Oh, my—–I love your post, and will direct my blog readers over to your site! I’m successfully on bioidentical hormones (three years) and feeling great, but until I got on them——well, let’s just say I could have used several of those Hello Kitty pink guns (come to think of it, I’d like one anyway just to ride around shotgun—if you will—-in the car!) Have a great day!

it is uncanny when I see myself on every word you write on many of your blogs, but specially on the following one……..”One of my biggest shortcomings, I think, is that I tend to come down very hard on myself for my mistakes and failures. Compound this with the fact that I also tend to be a control freak and perimenopause is a recipe for total neurosis. Think about it: a control freak trying to control the uncontrollable and then beating myself up for failing to control the uncontrollable. Yeah. Psycho.” Add to that, an inmmune system that seems to be shutting down and revealing such decline as asthma, I never head, sensitivities and allergies coming out of the woods, having to work outside the house in a perfume ridden place (perfumes, body lotions, deodorants etc, absolutely kill me!) and for the first time in my life I have heard the word disability attached to my name! I can smell what you had for dinner last night! this is insane! I fight to breath on the outside world for a big part of my days (there are good days of course, but boy do I have to medicate myself to breath) inhalers, singular, I pop antihestamines like candy, and if I drink water and eat lettuce all day, then my body doesn’t react. But I hold on to your words that “this too shall pass” and continue to try to make sense of this and find what’s going to work for me. Please say a prayer or two for me…..would ya?

Dear Magnolia
great letters, for wives and husbands. Applause for including the men who care!
I think the most useful thing I have read about menopause is a) get time away when you need it b) rest, rest, and rest when you need it, and c) talk to your family, as you suggest, and let them know you are working on taming the beast, and ask for their patience and help. One cannot go through this alone. Most times, menopause is the wake-up call for Women Who Do Too Much and who have forgotten all about self-care. Thanks for letting the guys know they can help by listening, and just giving their psycho wives some Space. Susun Weed recommends a Crone’s Year Away (not really feasible for married women with children, is it). However, time away, time alone, down time and quiet time are the best healers (on top of whatever remedies are helping).
great blog
jenn/musemother

I’ll have to see what’s up with the Tweet button. Listen, I TOTALLY know what you mean about the post-partum psychosis!! Wow, did I ever go there with my last child. I was nearly 43 when I gave birth to her and had conceived her because I had just begun entering perimenopause. So, after she was born I went into hormone hell.

I had never had post-partum depression or anything else that had post-partum as a prefix. So, it scared me. But, not nearly as much as the mood swings and rages I began to experience about 2 years later. Wowza.

But, those days are gone for me now, thank God. Please share, if you don’t mind, your experience. I’m certain other readers would be interested in your story!

It’s just very soothing to hear someone else describe my symptoms and know that I’m not the only crazy lady around. My husband, God bless ‘em, is ever so patient, but I, alas, cannot claim patience as one of my virtues at the best of times, and now? Well, suffice it to say, I just want to start feeling like myself again … but I suppose that’s not going to happen any time soon. I’m impatient with my own impatience, annoyed by my own irritability. What happened to my “happy go lucky” self? Yikes! At least I’m not alone.

My wife has absolutely no interest in sex any more. She knows how much I still like it but yet makes excuse after excuse about it. She doesn’t want hormones so she isn’t taking any and I swear, this menopause thing has lasted several years already. I’ve been an attentive husband to all her needs (and she has many, trust me), but she cares not about any of mine. Any help or advice would be appreciated (don’t suggest I cheat either because that’s NOT going to happen).

Well, first of all, Mikey, what in God’s name at this blog would even remotely suggest to you that I think cheating on one’s spouse is an acceptable solution to a problem? I would never and I mean never give that type of advice to ANYONE.

And might I say, that if on the off chance you are actually thinking about it, I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s not a solution. It is a reaction and it will cause you far worse issues than you have now.

I believe you when you say you’ve been a good husband. However, you didn’t tell me why your wife doesn’t want to have sex. There are reasons. I feel certain if she is going through perimenopause, that is certainly part of the issue, as the hormone fluctuations affect a woman’s libido as much as male hormone fluctuations affect the male libido.

And you do understand that women are not the only ones who experience hormone fluctuations at mid-life, correct? So this “menopause thing” is nothing more than a women’s version of the “andropause thing” which men go through as well.

There is a reason she doesn’t want to take hormones. What have been those reasons? What other reasons has she stated that she’s not interested in sex? Has she been unhappy? Have there been marital issues that she has started to bring up to you? Has she begun expressing unhappiness about something? Anything?

These are my first thoughts. Your comment is brief and to the point – she doesn’t want sex, you do, and she won’t take hormones. But, there is far more to this than that, I’m certain.

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Established in September 2009, The Perimenopause Blog is dedicated to empowering women by providing accurate information, resources, and encouragement to help navigate the turbulent and choppy waters of perimenopause.