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That is a tricky one…Each member is a pretty big asshole, but if we need to pick the biggest…
I guess Don Ape(aka Big Prick, King Bastard)
…He is never an asshole to me, but the other guys always tell me he is to them.

I’d have to go with myself. I tend to pretend I’m going to take a piss at rehearsal but really sneak as much drugs as I can into my system on those trips. I pretend none of the others know and I know that annoys them. I then go drink too much and get nothing done. Usual become a big dick head too. So yes, me.

Don Ape says,
Speaking of LA, It is quite true that there is a Don Ape impersonator running bits. He has been sited at Celebrity Golf tournaments and Playboy Mansion parties…I heard he is even starting a band. I would check his band out when you can; he sounds pretty cool.

Questions?:
-I’ve never pooped on a flower but I once farted in a florist shop.
-Gamble doesn’t date. He mesmerizes…
-Trees don’t care whether you hear them or not.
-Where have you been? Please refer to Bong Hits, Handjobs and Food for all your health care questions. I see xanax as food; so you’re in the clear.

If you guys are so cool, as you say and think you are, how come none of your “best” friends, ever go to your shows or leave a message of support? You damn hairy apes should rally the troops. Where in the world is Seaweed Espo? or Chico Suarez? or Nice Game?

all this food talk so i must add my 45 cents…. first of all, i just ate a freakin great chicken parm dinner from the one and only rudy’s bar and restaurant in cliffside park nj…. best calamari this side of the timeline…..secondly, hot dogs are great…..filet mignon is even greater…. but by far the greatest of them all is the white castle burger! perfect in every way….. i challenge anyone to a castle contest… more to come about that but please let us know if anyone wants to compete in one…. and lastly i agree with everything else that don ape said…and you should too…. he has infinite wisdom and u dont even know!
fight the fight!

im all banged up still from last night, but what a night! my second 3-some this year so far! that aint donkey shit neither. so finally i leave a comment instead of just reading this page all the time. you apes should tour with tenacious d!!! can you make that happen? or how can i make that happen? please help us true fans.
fight the fight! and jessica beil’s ass!

you should rent “crank”. or if you know of a place that rents japanese movies, try to get “battle royale”. its basically all high school kids killing each other, in unique ways, til someone wins. good stuff. i hope this info helped someone in some way. fight the fight.

i wanna give a sincere apology to apefight for all fitz’ bullshit the other day. i have since mangled him and its about time. for the past two days i have been updating and studying all the newly released soviet-made timepieces constructed from 1988-1997, as this is one of my heart-felt hobbies. along with checking apefight’s intensely amazing website of course. let me know if anyone needs any info on a timepiece. one of my favorites is the RS-67/e4 model….the e3 is good too but the e4 model comes with a hidden switchblade for undercover spy work. fight the fight!

hello apes. its your good friend austin back again with some news that will bring a smile to all your faces. hopefully. so, last week, while i was flipping through my latest issue of “communist watch” (its an underground timepiece magazine) i knew one of the russian broads that is selling some pieces, and i havent talked to her in a while, so once i mentioned to her about apefight and i played her some of your stuff, not only did i get laid, but she said she is totally willing to dance onstage with you guys while you play at some upcoming shows. she said she’d just wear little panties and a bra. so, i thought i’d pass this info along to you. and while she is a bit of a butter -face, her body is amazing. i guess she could wear an ape mask or something if you guys think she is too snaggle-toothed. ok, that’s all for now. fight the fight!

I saw you guys play Arlene’s in NYC a couple months ago. I was so moved by your awsome display that I felt compelled to give Don my last joint (good shit too). At any rate, my question is simple: When is your next show in NYC? We can’t wait to go see you guys again and I’d rather not travel to New Jersey or crash a “private party”.

Is there any way I could get into your private parties? Like maybe if I bring a couple of hot blondes, or maybe some free drugs? Or some blondes who have drugs? Please let me know. You guys are the best!

Thank you Turbo!
First, Apefight can smoke weed…How much? More hen The Dead in 1973

As for the Fifth Beatle…pianist Billy Preston was the only artist to receive joint credit on a Beatles record, on “Get Back”. Preston also played the organ on “Let It Be” and the Rhodes electric piano on “Don’t Let Me Down”. Preston had been introduced to the Beatles during the early 1960s, but did not work with them until 1969, when Harrison invited him to join them for recording sessions in order to defuse tensions in the band. Lennon once suggested that Preston join the Beatles, but the idea was dismissed by the others. On the Let it Be album where Preston’s performances are used the song credits list “with Billy Preston,” clearly identifying him as separate from the main group, yet also giving him a level of individuality that separated him from studio session players. To distinguish him from the common level of controversy over who is the Fifth Beatle, he is sometimes given the unique title of the “Black Beatle”. He Died June 6, 2006 in Scottsdale, Arizona, USA

No the light goes out when you close the fridge

and yes if you bring dirty used hepatitis infected needles for all to share you can come to the private parties.

Thanks again Turbo…Hope you got all the info you wanted…Fight the Fight!!

That’s an easy one Slick Prick…”War” is a soul song written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong for the Motown label in 1969. Whitfield produced the song, a blatant anti-Vietnam War protest, with The Temptations as the original vocalists. After Motown began receiving repeated requests to release “War” as a single, Whitfield re-recorded the song with Edwin Starr as the vocalist, deciding to withhold the Temptations’ version so as not to alienate their more conservative fans. Starr’s version of “War” was a number-one hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1970, and is not only the most successful and well-known record of his career, but is also one of the most popular protest songs ever recorded. Its power was reasserted when Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band took their rendition into the Top 10 again in 1986.
I hope that is the answer you were looking for…Fight the Fight!

Ape Fight definitely rules the universe and knows their shit, but please Slick Prick, come to me with any questions you have about soviet-made timepieces. I can get the really hard to find ones. Illegal ones too. And I only ask for a slight finder’s fee. Don’t tell russia though……….

Hi boys! I saw you at Craig’s party and thought you were amazing. Not to mention extremely sexy, especially in those sweatshirts and mr. gamble in his waist-up birthday suit. We gonna see the waist-down suit at the next show? I’d put my real name but my boyfriend would be pissed if he knew how wet you make me. See you soon!

Wow…This is not good news for you…First read below and see if you have any of these classic Symptoms of Haemorrhoids(often known as Piles)

You may notice a pain or ache around the anus and lower bowel (rectum), which can be really quite severe.
There may be itching of the area.
There may be bleeding from the back passage. This will be bright red blood, not usually mixed in with the motion, but often seen on the toilet paper.
There is often a feeling of something coming down, or a bulge or lump at the anus.
If a haemorrhoid at the outside of the anus gets a blood clot in it (thrombosed external pile) it leads to a particularly tender, hardish lump.

I bet you got em…You have not made a good movie since Jerry Mcguire. This is the best advice I can offer…

Your doctor will ask a few questions and is likely to examine you and may want to feel inside the anus with a gloved finger. Sometimes he will look inside with a metal instrument. This enables him or her to confirm the diagnosis, and to rule out other, more serious problems such as cancer.

Treatment
It is usually best, with haemorrhoids, to get by with the least treatment possible, as even after the most extensive treatments they may still return.

Many times they will settle down over a matter of days without any treatment.
Cream or suppositories (bullet-shaped tablets to be inserted into the anus) may be bought over the counter, or your doctor may prescribe one. These soothe itching and pain, and cause swelling and bleeding to diminish.
Cold compresses, even ice can be helpful.
If you do not get better with these approaches, your doctor may ask a specialist to see you who may:

Put little rubber bands round the haemorrhoids, which will cause them to shrivel and wither away.
Inject a substance into the haemorrhoids which causes them to wither away (sclerotherapy).
Cut away the problem, usually under a general anaesthetic.
Prevention
Haemorrhoids are very common, and will occur anyway, but, as implied above, useful aspects of prevention are:

Avoid becoming overweight, and lose weight if you are.
Eat a high fibre diet.
Exercise regularly.

I hope this helps…I have a question…When you did “Radio” were you really retarded?

Hmmm…I guess if you are asking…I would like it to start with forcing me to smoke a joint rolled with a half ounce of hindu kush or white widow then a tall glass of Irish whiskey, preferably Jameson…Then 11 beers…Miller High Life of course…The final step would be if you can get 8 or 9…22 to 25 year old girls to bang me to death…That would be good for me…Thanks for asking…if you could can you do it on a Monday morninbg or Sunday night? I don’t want to have to work all week.

PS…If that all seems crazy…just get us a huge record deal…and we will do it ourselves.

Funny timing of this question…The quick answer is yes, but I only do it once a year…March 17th is like Christmas for the Irish…I start at around 9:30 in the morning and try and keep a pace of 5,6,8,9 beers an hour…I take breaks for corn beef and weed…Last year I drank my body weight in beer and a small kids weight in whiskey…This Saturday I am going for the hat trick and plan on adding some mushrooms…I’ll keep you posted Claus!

“a friend of mine” told me about a beutifull woman he picked up in a bar who wanted to give him oral…..while receiving his blowjob he noticed that this woman had a 5 o’clock shadow….he freaked and split that scene……the question is is my friend now gay and should I worry about him pulling faggot moves on me ….not that there’s anything wrong with that…….

WoW! What a pickle(no pun intented) There is nothing wrong with being gay, but the big question is…how long did he let the “girl” blow him after he saw the beard?…If he freaked and stopped right away he is not gay…If he said fuck it and finished all over that 5 o’clock shadow maybe not gay, but you know he is ok with getting blown by a guy…I would try not to get too drunk with your “friend” without a very tight belt on or unless you are wearing a jump suit…Tell him not to feel bad…Every guy gets fooled into getting a blow job from a guy….In Hell!!! Haaa Haaaa!!!!

Hey Jamie…few things in the world sound better then “slutty stoner girls that have naught to do” We will be over tomorrow around 11:30…Get lots of sleep tonight and roll 15 or 20 joints…See Ya Tomorrow!!

I HAVE A DILEMA……..I HAVE TO THROUGH A BACHELOR PARTIE AND THE GROOM IS BEING GAY AND JUST WANTS TO GET A LIMO AND HIT SOME BARS…i THINK I SHOULD HOODWINK HIM SAY THATS WHAT I’M DOING THEN THROUGH A BACHELOR PARTIE IN THE CLASSIC RANGE OF TOM HANKS…..MAYBE GET A SREAT BAND TO PLAY……IS THIS WRONG? WILL THE GROOM EVER FORGIVE ME? AND WILL THE WEDDING STILL OCCUR ? NEED YOUR ANSWER QUICK AS THIS IS ALL TO HAPPEN NEXT WEEK……..

No dilema at all…You should make him think it will be a super safe nice guys night out…Then bring him to the Spinning Wheel Motel in Jersey City…Drug him…Have 14 girls sign there names all over him…then! Bring him to Starlight Tattoo and have them tattoo all the names on him…His bride will love you for life…While he is passed out feel free to bang all 14 girls…That is what a best man would do…have a great time!

Just an update …..I didnt get the names all signed on him but we did go out and 2 days later he developed a “cold sore”(we all know thats just another name for herpes)….needless to say they still got married but for some reason the bride was a little upset….whicg I dont understand, I mean i got him the gift that keeps on giving at his bachelor partie shouldnt everyone be happy that i care so much……….CONFUSED!!!!!

Thanks for the CD Don Ape. 🙂 I LOVE IT!!! I have a couple questions>
Do you have any shows coming up?
Do you know where I can get a Real Mail order Bride?
What’s the significance of the cute little BEAVER?
Did you grow up near powerlines?
Thanks! Fight the Fight!

Dear Cindi,
LOVE scares us.
Now to your questions.
1. We are playing Feb 2nd at the Knitting Factory. If you want to be sure to see the show. Show up 15 minutes into the set. The place will be emptying out by then.
2. Cindi wants a bride. That is Marvelous! Take lots of pics.
3. What is the significance?!? Well, some would say that we WORSHIP cute little beavers. Why not?
4. No. But I did grow up near a child-molesting midget who played The Doors on eleven 24/7…
DON A

the guy that usually sells me my crack got arrested…do any of you guys sell crack and can you please bring me 2 eight balls and a 40 oz…i will pay top dollar for this service….much thanks…..ps I will be at the show friday so bring the goods….little baby jesus says high……

When is your next show? My boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary by watching your show at the Clash Bar around this time last year. We loved the show and were impressed by your PowerPoint presentation skills.

Who does your guys’ laundry? Im having a rough time finding someone who is gentle enough cleaning my mask and my pantyhoes that I wear on my head. Also I am traveling to Beijing in the near future… Can any of you reccomend a good chinese take out place there? Im pretty sure you guys have toured there.

When it come to stockings and masks we always “hand wash” only…These are more important then good songs to us…BUT!
If you need a real good place try
“Tumble Wash & Dry Laundromat” it’s at 1147 Summit Ave
Jersey City (201) 653-7003 This laundry mat is very clean, updated , and never has a wait- for -a -machine- time.
No place to park though! It’s Jersey City!

He also said “Be sure to try Dong Lai Shun’s mutton it’s hand-sliced into very thin pieces to ensure short cooking time. Dip it into the boil water, shake a little bit and watch for the colour change. It could be eaten almost instantly. Other than lamb, you could order some other dishes, don’t forget vegetables!”

Is M1 still a Nationally Ranked Stickball player? I can remember him back in the day at Stony Lane School tearing it up hitting while at the same time playing Portrait of Tracy by Jaco on his bass! I am retired from stickball after a severe head injury I sustained, when we had run out of balls to play with we were pitching toasters instead, and I was beaned in the eye.