Writing about the threads of happiness that are inextricably woven through the cloth of my life keeps me Walking on the Happy Side of Life. Walk with me as I share my life as Mom to 3 wonderful children -- including identical twins blessed with an extra 21st chromosome each -- a condition known as Down syndrome.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I think the RADICAL minimalists might have taken things just a bit too far with that statement! 'Cause if it was that easy I'd be living on Happy Street! But I'm not! Oh, I'm breathing, but it's the see-sawing between laughing and hyperventilating kind of breathing as my stress-levels rise and fall and my good humor ebbs and flows with the chaos of my life. Change can be good but it's not always healthy!

Years ago, I read a book called Women Who Do Too Much. Anyone remember that one? I don't recall the exact qualifying conditions or the recommendations... only that I was then and am still now one of those women. Back then it was probably because I wanted people to like me. Boy have things changed! NOW... I don't give a rat's.... ah, tail... whether someone likes me or not. NOW there's only one word that describes why I do too much.... KIDS! The Boys need.... The Old Soul needs... The Hubby... well, unfortunately, he has needs too but he's on his own 'cause the kids need so darn much from me. Add special needs to those needs and us gals have got stuff on our plates that we really just sorta CAN'T say no to. And when the good 'ol catholic guilt kicks in regarding how much -- or how little -- I do for my kid without special needs, I end up saying yes to a bunch more things I have no time to handle. And who's addressing my needs? Seriously!

My now school-age kids come with a whole new set of professionals pressuring me to do more. The CPSE/CSE folks, teachers and therapists all want support through parental involvementt at home and in meetings that usually require preparation and cause added stress. Then there's the PTA, SEPTA and don't even get me started with the Girl Scouts who demand their chunk of us Women Who Do Too Much but offer a triangular badge instead of a little support. And if my poor husband wants a piece of me, he has to negotiate for it against school, sleep and the paying jobs -- yes plural -- I now hold to help our family financially instead of leading that leisurely life you see left-coast Hollywood Wives enjoying. The one that usually includes morning workouts with her private trainer, liquid lunch with the ladies and afternoon mani-pedis before calling to remind the Nanny to pick up her kids after-school! Yeah, that's not my life. I unintentionally limit contact with friends to grabbing a salad at Fridays once a year and, thankfully-rare, late-night girlfriend-to-girlfriend phone calls to ward-off those inevitable near-collapses when life hands you the last straw and the camel drops to his knees. Besides those luxuries... Ive barely seen my friends in ages or done something good just for me.

A man goes to work, comes home, maybe watches a little news before dinner, a little baseball after dinner and goes to bed when he gets tired. On weekends, he mows the lawn and watches some football. If it's on the calendar and his lovely wife-who-does-too-much has the time and energy leftover from all her other commitments, she might even let him take her out to dinner. That's living a simple, minimalist life, isn't it? And that's why the name of that book isn't Men Who Do Too Much! YES, I recognize that this is an over-simplified view that does not accurately represent the Sarge's role in our family -- though I'm sure he'd LOVE it if it did! This is absolutely NOT a DIG on my hubby or men in general but rather a DIG ON ME and Women Who Do Too Much! It's an outright honest admission from this particular Woman Who Does Too Much that maybe the men have a slightly better handle on all of this... Let's call it what it is... cr*p.

Maybe, my latest arrhythmia-causing last straw is a wake up call! The camel needs some life support and if she doesn't get it, things are gonna get ugly!

The key to Happiness is one word.... But it's not "breathe"... (THAT'S the key to staying alive, not to happiness.) For us Women Who Do Too Much the one word is "NO!"

As in... I could have said NO to the Social Worker at Mercy Medical Center, where The Boys were born, when she asked if could she give out my number to new parents of children with Down syndrome. But that would not reinforce the love and acceptance I have for my beautiful children with Down syndrome nor help others who find themselves walking in my shoes. So I said YES. Not a big committment and one that fits itself neatly into the nooks and crannies of my life without interrupting. I could have said NO to the CPSE/CSE committee chairpeople when they asked if I would volunteer as a parent-member. But where would I have learned so much about how my district doles out services to children with special needs like my children? And how would I become a known entity so they deal most effectively with me and My Boys. So I said YES. I have the option of saying NO to the meetings that don't fit my schedule (an option I need to learn how to exercise). I could have said NO to the Girl Scouts when my Old Soul's former leaders up-and-quit. But then I'd be taking my lovely Old Soul on Mother-Daughter-brother-brother adventures instead of having fun with 9 screaming-but-very-happy little girls. Saying NO might have disappointed some of those little girls (unless some other Woman Who Does Too Much stepped up to deliver). But saying "NO" would have exacerbated the "I don't do enough for her" guilt of having 2 OTHER children who have special needs. And the forced schedule makes me do the things she and I love to do together but might not otherwise get around to because I'm an over-scheduled Woman Who Does Too Much... So I said YES and am proudly fostering the positive self-esteem of 10 little girls -- including my own daughter -- so maybe they won't grow up to be Women Who Do Too Much. And, more recently, I could have said NO to the two jobs that afford me not only a much-needed paycheck to help relieve some of my family's financial stress in these tough economic times but also gifts me the extrinsic sense of accomplishment and professional recognition that being a stay-at-home-Mom never does.... Hey, I'm sorry for feeling that way... but it's how I and a lot of women feel... sadly! Except for a Mother's Day card once a year, the compliments that sustain us as viable members of this society are few and far between.

While those are all things I could have said NO to but chose to say YES, in re-examination, I think I have pretty good reasons for sticking to it. So I'm not really rethinking those decisions for now because they're written in ink on my calendar already. But I am beginning to consider all the extra little unnecessary requests I've been asked commit to! NO to the Class Photographer role. Just another scheduling conflict that presents prep and post-work I don't want to nor have time to do! If I can get to an event with my camera, cool! If not, oh well! NO to the incessant donations and clothing pick ups for the War Veterans Fund, Lupus Foundation, National Patrolmen's Benevolent Association and any other callers. All great causes but I can pack up and donate on my own time versus theirs. NO to the PTA meetings and SEPTA meetings. NO to the Class Mother role or even the unofficial offer to "help out"! NO to the play date with the kid my child doesn't really like. NO to the Salesman wanting to meet about Special Needs Trust Funds (We have NO extra money right now anyway). NO to the CPSE/CSE meeting that just doesn't fit on the schedule that particular day. Saying NO doesn't mean saying NO to every meeting request, but NO to the ones that don't fit on my already too crowded calendar! NO to Facebook. NO to Twitter. NO to the cell phone. NO to texting. NO to the computer. NO to Netflix. NO to the telephone. NO NO NO NO NO!

My new Happiness Mantra is "Just say NO!" This fosters my happiness! Relieves of my stress! STOPS the arrhythmia's and strained phone calls to girlfriends. Stops the yelling. Eases the crazy schedule. And slows the constant race against time. It gives me a little wiggle room to relax and BREATHE! Ahhh, yes, the key to a long and healthy life! It affords me the time to watch a football game if I want to (LOL, I don't). To work in my overgrown, untended garden if I want to (I do). Or maybe even to watch Lipstick Jungle. (I've never seen it but I think I might like it based on an ad I saw once.)

The first step is to contemplate the activities I've already committed to that I could drop without hurting my kids, myself or my family and to age-out my old YES requests off the calendar. Meanwhile, I have to plan for how I'm going to say NO to new requests that don't fit within my YES criteria. That is, I have to find a voice, MY voice, that's committed to saying NO to anything that doesn't enhance my happiness and/or improve my health (with cautious attention to requests that enhance my children's happiness and/or improve my children's health without jeopardizing mine). NO to anything that can't be finished inside of a random (read: one of my choosing) half hour time slot not currently filled by any other commitments already on my calendar. And, NO to anything that requires more than a half an hour of preparation or follow-up tasks. For example, attending my child's class holiday party is OK but committing to baking the cupcakes or downloading my pics to the yearbook committee within 2 weeks of the event is a NO. These self-serving criteria should pretty much leave me with only the necessary stuff for my children's and my health and happiness and might even allow a few impromptu dates with my elliptical machine and, if I really embrace the NO, I might even find time for an opportunistic date with the Sarge or an ocassional lunch with friends. Now there's a happy thought!

Just one more thing, before you say NO... Make a pillow/picture with "Just Say NO!" on it and everyone will think you're reinforcing the anti-drug theme, whilst you're actually reminding yourself of your new position... Clever, eh (and, multi-tasking!) Come visit when you can...

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My Motivation

Inspired by the http://happiness-project.com/, I began this blog in pursuit of my own happiness while raising my 3 children -- including identical twins with Down syndrome. On these pages, I endeavor to document the bits and pieces of my life that bring me the most happiness and keep me focused on all the positive stuff going on. Advocacy, Angels and Random Happy Thoughts. These are the threads of happiness that are inextricably woven through the cloth of my life. Staying focused and writing about these things is what keeps me Walking on the Happy Side of Life. I'd love it if you would "Take A Walk on the Happy Side" with me.

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THINK THANKFUL

There's barely a better sign that someone -- or some dog -- is happy to see you than when they wag their tail. My Bubba, a 13-year-old black Chow Chow has a curly spray of a tail that she very discriminantly wags... But always ALWAYS rapidly for me when she greets me as I walk into the house. I LOVE that!

I absolutely love the sound of that deep, guttural, laugh-til-I-choke belly laugh brought on by big, wet raspberries. My kids LOVE raspberries. And, I love to oblige just to hear that beautiful, joyful laughter that happens whether they're actually being raspberried or when they're just ANTICIPATING raspberries.

I'm thankful for the feather-soft skin and barely-there blonde peach-fuzz at the base of Brian's and Michael's neck. It is my most favorite place to kiss them... eliciting a giggle that sounds like the tinkling of a crystal bell. I LOVE it!

I love lying in bed beside my daughter at night... each of us reading our respective books. Then, when she finally closes her book and snuggles into her pillow, I listen for that easy and even breathing that indicates she's fallen peacefully to sleep. It is a routine I love. A peaceful way for both of us to end our day.

There is no greater joy than waking up to my children's beautiful sunshine-y smiles each morning!

I am thankful for my boys' healthy and strong immune systems. Brian's recent bout with pneumonia was short lived because his immune system (and the antibiotics) responded well and quickly. I've heard stories of pneumonia lasting several weeks. Thankfully, ours was a quick 3-day hospital stay with amazing results restoring him quickly to good health!

I LOVE the feeling of my sons' warm little hands holding mine when they want to show me an amazing discovery in the next room, or to feel safe, or to drag me and my attention away from the computer and back onto them (where it should be anyway). That simple gesture absolutely warms my heart with love.

I am thankful for my children's laughter. It is surely the most heavenly sound on earth!

As it turns out, I'm thankful my boys were home sick today. Thankful that they aren't TOO sick and thankful to spend a leisurely day with just them. We stacked blocks, painted, played with playdoh, blew bubbles, watched some movies, wrote with our magnadoodles, had lunch together and, finally, put together and played with our new hotwheels track set we got for Christmas. We even got the boiler fixed while we were all home during the 4-hour repair window they give you. What an EXCELLENT day! And, it's not even over yet!

Though I'm not thankful for childhood illnesses like croup which Brian is currently fighting, I am extraordinarily thankful that Brian, Michael and Olivia have healthy immune systems. As they've proven over and over again in their short lives, their little bodies are able to fight the nastiest of germs and win! Fortunately, Brian's already on the better side of it so we should all be healthy for Christmas!

I LOVE to see the sunshine sparkling on the water's surface. And, I'm thankful to live near enough to the water to see it almost everyday. It always catches my eye and makes me slow down to take notice. Ahhh, it soothes my soul every time.

I'm thankful that I have good friends who trust me to be a sympathetic listener when they need one.

I'm thankful for those few stolen moments I occasionally get to take for myself, to quietly watch the sun greet the day, in the wee hours of the morning, before every one else is awake!

It just occured to me that everyone should have a friend like Tammy! Someone who gets you out of yourself and always makes you laugh... even when you're talking about something serious. So, today, I'm thankful for my friend Tammy for helping me always to see the funny side of things.

Thank God for those occasional rainy days that let me relax and just be with my kids without rushing to make a plan or accomplish a task.

Thank God for my yellow fleece blanket. I LOVE to quietly slink into bed, hunker down deep and drift off to sleep... toasty warm!

Thank God for long, hot, uninterrupted showers. Especially after skipping a day because life got in the way!

Thank God that I was blessed with Brian & Michael before science found a way to prevent Down syndrome. Certainly,my life is better for their presence... just exactly as they are!

Thank God for my "online" girlfriends who truly hold me up in cyberspace when I feel like I'm crashing.

Thank God for my strange sense of humor. It keeps me thinking funny thoughts and laughing out loud all day long.