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Thursday, July 18, 2013

RHONJ Review

What can I say about last Sunday's show? Well, my favorite has always been Theresa. I love the way she always talks about Joe and how she pronounces his name. JOE, JOE, JOE! I love how she bumbles her words like ingrediences. I mean she is a best selling author and that's how she speaks? Well, I find it charming. When I use my words, they are always perfect. For example, I will say "BARK BARK, GRRRR."

I don't Say "BARKERAA" or "GRRRRSSSSS." But then, I am not from New Jersey.

Let's talk about Sunday! The Giudice Family, the Gorga's, the Wakile's, and good old Fist slamming Rosie went on a fuel boozed retreat, equipped with an open bar, to heal the rift within the family. Joe and Theresa drove alone waiting for the rest of the bunch to arrive at the castle.

The ooh 's and ahhh's over the castle were hilarious. What is wrong with these people? They have never seen furniture? They live in mansions with flashy Decor. Oh, but Melissa and Joey 's mansion was crumbling as the real estate agent took the tour. Shh....they ignore that part.

When they all arrived, things were tense. Drama was center stage. Being a Theresa sympathizer, I must say her heart was in the right place but her composure was running rampant. Little miss stripper, oops I mean Melissa, was filled with poison, not her Joey's just plain miserable hostility. The Wakile's were okay other than Rich. He is a real stinker! Pee You! Always stirring the pot and I don't mean the tomato sauce. Two words: Instigator and trouble maker.

The lunch was tense. The retreat guru team were arriving soon. Juicy Joe talks about his flatuance and proceeds to let one go at the table. That gets a good laugh. Frankly, I find it quite offensive and they say my species do not have manners.They start drinking booze and they drink some more. Finally, the therapists arrive. They cannot handle this crowd. They look like a nice couple from Mayberry USA. They look like they don't even know how to spell Vodka. They play games for trust.

Yay! I love games! Pin the tail on the Poodle and Paws Down! I had to contain my excitement, but to my dismay they played trust games. So I settled in my chair with a bowl of treats. I was shouting at the TV. "Theresa, don't trust them! They were talking about you in the big Partridge Family bus they drove to the castle! Don't catch them Theresa, let them all crumble around your empire you are building. You are the Don Corleone to Melissa's Henry Hill.Look at me Theresa, can you hear me?" I continued to shout but Theresa was catching them. Stupid move !

Fast forward, Melissa on her knees again, but to Theresa. Melissa begging Theresa to please stop hurting her family. Melissa bowed to Theresa and kissing her ring, calling her the queen. I thought, there you go Melissa, you finally got something correct! I was on the edge of my seat, hushing my growls, hoping this bad imitation of a music video would end. I felt like I was there! I almost choked on a treat, as I coughed it out, it flew out of my mouth, hitting the screen right at Melissa. Stop the grand standing Melissa! You are not on VHI. You are on Bravo.

Melissa shouted GORGA GORGA to Theresa.

Theresa started screaming down at Melissa. They were like two cat's in a fight! Cats always fight dirty! Then the straw that broke the cat's back arrived.

Joey, Theresa's brother in an odd way wished she was not his sister boyfriend jumps in and sputters a word, I, Lili am not allowed to use, but you all know what it is anyway.

Theresa broken, runs out to the balcony where JOE ...JOE ... is boozing it with tough gal Rosie. She tells him in her most dramatic way what happened. JOE...JOE... as Theresa refers to him runs to defend her honor. He demands an apology as Little Joey Poison charges him and they all are embroiled in the brawl. They were all on top of each other, but not quite the same as the trust game. Then in Bravo fashion, they say stay tuned. Well I started to BARK! How dare they make me, Lili wait!

Unlimited Booze + Trust Games = Trouble!

What will happen next week, I don't have a crystal ball. The only thing I do have is a large pot of meatballs cooking on the stove.

The rage, the jealousy, the back stabbing makes great television! Let the sausage and meatballs fly! Keep fighting and yelling! It is great entertainment! It will make the spaghetti curl into fusilli!

Theresa ...you are the Queen and they are your subjects, but we both know who truly RULES... and that is ME, just me, LILI !