Professor: "What would you say to fill in the blanks in 'to A and B, to have and to hold dot dot dot'?"Me: "Ahh...to A and B, as joint tenants, not as tenants in common."Professor: "What would you say to beef that up?"Me: "Ahhh..."Professor: "Well, so let's think about it this way. We need to be specific. Don't trust judges. They have their own agendas, so don't give them a chance to screw it up."

Professor: "When I started as a litigator, there weren't that many women. So I got a lot of advice from senior attorneys. First thing they said is that I was too short to be a litigator, so wear big heels. I was also more petite than I am now, so they said I need more gravitas. So wear big shoulder pads. Then they said my voice was too high. So I ended up looking like a cross between a linebacker and a hooker, with my voice like this *dropped voice a few octaves*"

A professor threw a hissy fit and stormed out of class upon finding that several students were unprepared during the last week of the semester.

When a student complained about the incident, one of the deans responded, "[Prof] has tenure. [The university] didn't do a thing when [prof] tried to schtup a prostitute; what do you think they're going to do about this?"

Professor: "When I started as a litigator, there weren't that many women. So I got a lot of advice from senior attorneys. First thing they said is that I was too short to be a litigator, so wear big heels. I was also more petite than I am now, so they said I need more gravitas. So wear big shoulder pads. Then they said my voice was too high. So I ended up looking like a cross between a linebacker and a hooker, with my voice like this *dropped voice a few octaves*"

Civ Pro:After a gunner argued that there could not possibly be a 3-part balancing test because it would be impossible to balance between 3 parts, unless, as he envisions, you had a 3-dimensional sort of pyramid and even then (etc. etc.):Professor: "Lady Justice is an octopus!"

Referring to the software you can get on your computer to block yourself from going on the internet during class where internet use is disallowed:Professor: "Download Temptation Blocker....it could solve all your problems!"

Referring to service rules of procedure when the party being served refuses to take the subpoena:Professor: "It's not a game of tag!"

Professor: "Adnan Khashoggi was like the Paris Hilton of the early 80s...except that he was an arms dealer."

Legal Research and Writing:Professor referring to the insane amount of rules in the Blue Book:"It's like law students gone wild!"

Contracts:Professor: "You have a right to free speech, and you have a right to go to Cleveland"

To a gunner: Professor: "You could be saying something really smart...or, you know...otherwise"

Professor: "We just did something fairly dramatic. We become liberals!"

My civ pro prof is pretty epic, so here's some true gold from this semester:

Day one, when discussing how you should actually read your assignments: “Reading is cutting into my Jersey Shore time. I’m into Snooks. I want to see if she has the poof this year.”

Calling out the slackers in the back row: “The Three Amigos. Open your own law firm or whatever. Decide whose name goes first.”

Talking about getting paid (a few of the best): “Lawyers are the only people who can lawfully extort others. Welcome to the club.” “You’re chillin’ ‘cause you’re double billin’!” “We’re hittin’ the clubs tonight! We’re getting the good vodka! Not that Russian cheap crap!”

About stupid lawyers making stupid mistakes (all quotes from the same rant, he went off on a tangent about his buddy's daughter as well): “We don’t remember our triumphs, we all remember when we fuck up. These lawyers fucked up.” “I love that term ‘my bad.’ It’s like in your generation, that phrase excuses you from whatever the hell you’ve done.” “Whatever the dyslexic equivalent of baseball is, this kid has it. I hope he was wearing a cup. I mean, he’s my friend’s daughter’s fiancé! That could have some serious consequences!”

Creating names in hypos: “There are two donut specialists who never leave their desks. Fat Charlie and Big Bill.” “I was sitting at this light, and Joe Jerko rear-ended me. … What should I call him?! Peter Polite?! He’s Joe Jerko…he’s a jerk!”

Trying to be young and hip (also see the Snooki quote above): “Yeah, really! For reals!” “Get yourself on the boob tube or the YouTube.” “Either of your peeps wanna take a shot at this? Or else you’re gonna have to kick them out of the posse. Tell them to get their own buds.”

On looking professional online: “You should make your Facebook professional. Ya know, probably get rid of that nice picture of you with your giant bong.”

"I don't know when I will get around to grading your tests. And I can't tell you how that is going to go. I suppose it will depend on how much scotch I have consumed once I get to your particular test."

My torts prof. the other day, trying to tell us not to worry about the bar:

He was telling us how he took the bar drunk out of his mind, because he couldn't sleep and hid his alarm clock, and his apartment had no windows. So he drank a ton of scotch to fall asleep and a few minutes later his alarm clock went off. So then he goes "I went to Yale, if I can pass the bar drunk, you guys can probably pass... sober."

Torts Prof talking about Stubbs v. City of Rochester (city contaminated drinking water with sewage) when a student said that he wouldn't hold the city liable: "They just served you a cup of shit! You still wouldn't hold them liable?

Civ. Pro. Teacher talking about random stuff: "If you don't believe in eternal life, buy a Volvo, and then you will."

My civ pro prof has been full of them all year. A couple of my favorites:

Discussing personal jurisdiction, and France's trying to get Nazi memorabilia sites taken off of Yahoo: "It's understandable. They fought bravely. Down to the last Belgian."

Discussing default and default judgment:Classmate: "It's because the client would be... pre-JOO-diced? I don't know how to say that word. It seems weird that it would be the same as the racial discrimination type."Prof: "It's 'prejudice.' It comes from the English word 'prejudice.' "

I could fill up an entire thread from my Legal Writing professor. Here's a few to get y'all started:

Professor:"Defendant said to the Plaintiff something like, 'Whoa, motherfucker!' That's right. You guys better get used to the word 'Fuck.' Lawyers say 'fuck' a lot. You gotta learn the language of the profession. Especially you girls. I had this one totally prim and proper girl working for me at the firm as an intern once...she wouldn't say a cuss word to save her life. By the time I was done with her, she was storming into my office saying, 'What the FUCK are you thinking!'"

***********

Professor, on a case he handled: "There's this lady on the south side -- nice lady...I still talk to her today...but she's a little crazy -- anyway, she owned this restaurant and she took out a big loan from this bank to pay for renovations. But during the middle -- and she's got a lot of money -- she didn't like how the renovations were going, so she was like 'Tear it all down, I hate it.' So they just tore all the renovations down, and she didn't want to repay the loan to the bank. Of course, I was representing the bank. Anyway, she's crazy, but she's also very smart -- and I was questioning her on the witness stand, and I kept asking her questions and she kept making me look like an idiot. I looked like a total moron by the time I was done. When I sat back down, my partner Gordon whispers over to me (he's sitting on the other side of our client, but our client doesn't know what's going on) 'Do you need a donut?' I was like 'What?!' He said, 'Do you need a donut...you know...to sit on...because your asshole is bleeding.'"

Then in class the next week:

"I promise to cut down on the cussing, but when it's fact, like when Gordon said, 'Is your asshole bleeding?' then that's allright."

My torts prof. staring at the bald guy in the front row- "Dominique how do you think the case would have turned out?" the bald guy looks around "Dominique?" guy: "ummm my name is Nick." prof:"you look like a Dominique, what do you think?"

LMAO. Our contracts professor the other day was talking about a case where some factory's shaft was not delivered, and we are all giggling because he keeps saying "shaft...shaft...shaft." Then he starts acting it out in first person: "I only have one shaft! My shaft is broken!" etc. Then starts talking about how the damages have to be "naturally arising" out of the situation. He had no idea.

LMAO. Our contracts professor the other day was talking about a case where some factory's shaft was not delivered, and we are all giggling because he keeps saying "shaft...shaft...shaft." Then he starts acting it out in first person: "I only have one shaft! My shaft is broken!" etc. Then starts talking about how the damages have to be "naturally arising" out of the situation. He had no idea.

lmao. I don't know if I could only giggle. Busting out laughing would be awkward.