Sick down to my Heart

10 most recent

My bunny, Birdy, passed away tonight. I haven't been home in two weeks and he was being fed daily regardless. Yet when I'd arrived I was asked to fill his water, but when I went in to do so he was sleeping SO peacefully, more than I'd ever seen before. I even mentioned that, as to why I'd fill his water later as I did not want to disturb him. After an hour I'd passed him once more, and he was sleeping, still, but in a different corner. 2 hours later, my mom calls for me in tears, saying he'd died. I asked her how she knew, as he was just sleeping... I went in to look, and he was on his side, clearly not breathing. With all of what I'm dealing with I was suprisingly mute. Not long after though was it I began to cry. I had him only 5 years... he showed up by suprise in our garage one day, the size of my palm. No idea where he'd come from, just that he was there. He'd follow me EVERYWHERE, and unlike most rabbits, loved attention, and hugs, and my agressive affection.Birdy, I love you. I miss you so much. You made everything... okay.

I used to sing him a song when we'd lay on the lawn...

Biiirdy, the buuunny, he is so fuuunny, he spends all my moooney, sweet just like hoooney, it's biiirdy the buuunny...

I've been sober for over a month now, and although I'm the happiest I've been in a long while (10 years+), there's still something missing... my love of almost 4 years. I finally get clean and we're the happiest we've ever been and yet we're broken up (newly). I don't want to know this hurt, because it's one I'm dealing with sober... I sit on my porch day and night, no cafe business to keep me busy, yet no addiction to make me sick, just ME. Me, alone, with my feelings that I wish I could turn into smiles... but smiles are lost without him. This just isn't working for me... God, thank you for this second chance at life, God please let me live it by his side.I hope and pray everyone here is doing well. Whomever may read this. Peace

Mon, Jun. 22nd, 2009, 10:49 pm

adams hiking the cascades, started in canada, walking back to oregon. 2 months. Selling the cafe, Ill be outta there in a couple months, tops. Struggling with serious drug addictions, killing me slowly, painfully. halfassed looking into detox and rehab centers. I cant wait to be clean... until then, Ive been miserable with this weight on my back. MISERABLE! I miss my boy.

so marimar's b-day is tomorrow, and mine 7 days from that (ash wednesday, the 25th) so on the 26th we're loading up her prius and taking off to prescott for ATV riding through the snow, sledding, gun shooting, bowling n beer, awesome coffee, prescott brewery pub food (sooo goood!), free stuff from the anarchist catalyst bookstore, and... MY BOY!! So excited! Hell, Im even looking forward to the nine hour drive. I dont smoke anymore though so this will be the first roadtrip Im not chainsmoking during... We'll see how that goes. Also, kinda thinking since bowling last year was a bust Id have a potluck dinner at the beach house for my bday... Not entirely sure. Ill let everyone know whats up! Besos!

life is so fucking strange, always playing tricks on you, always trying to pull a fast one...I stopped pretending like I understood people a long time ago, but yet here I am, once again, suprised. All of you. You all got me. I give up. You win.next!

Whoooowhie. So I'm staying the night at my dads new pad, which is awesome, because I'm basically using his laptop in the office of Town Center Motel, ah ha ha......that's right, he lives at this haunted wonder land. Dope.

Halloween was so awesome. Angelica, mi prima, got married at Disneyland, and Adam flew into LAX for the weekend. I also FINALLY got to meet up with my twin sister, VANESSA!! It's been like... 7 years?? SHIT! The Hollywood Forever Cemetery Dia de los Muertos celebration was BREATHTAKING! Need to upload some pics. My cousin Nessa, her boy Carlos, Adam and I stayed there until 1 in the mornin', and afterwards, both Adam and I got to crash at my cousin Sonyah's pad ON Hollywood Blvd, which is amazing. And her lovely roommate Jose, and his bf. welcomed us back any time. A place to stay in Hollywood, ON Hollywood? Perfect. And I also got to try Pinkberry.

cafes been so-frickin-slow, but with a sign up, and a small ad. on craigslist, we'll see what happens. Shannon, one of my bffs, moved back, so having someone to drink Cheladas with and who appreciates pho is great!

Thanksgiving plans are coming along nicely... Adam'll be comin' in, we're gonna do hella-crime startin'. For dinner, I'm making a vegan feast for the boy and a few friends; basically a quiet evening at home, a small reminder of all the things and people I have to be grateful for......and save me the raping, stealing, and crying indian shit. My roots are planted deep, dude.Sometime afterwards, I'm making a quick trip to San fran so I can get my...

CULT BANGER!, i.e. supercult.com (banger). The content will be a suprise, but Chase Lisbons paying for it, and I am honored to have been asked to have one. Everyone should check out his profile at: http://www.myspace.com/chaselisbon

I think there's a blog of his explaining the bangers... not sure. And having said that, I'll leave you with:

Tue, Sep. 23rd, 2008, 05:55 pm

My boyfriend is amazing; plain and simple. I'm so lucky to have someone in my life who has my back no matter what shit I pull; and he aint leavin' any time soon. We're getting married at Frida Kahlos Casa Azul. Be jealous (or don't, because it's an ugly thing). Linz and I are going to have the smashin'est pad Prescotts ever seeeeeen! I can't fucking wait to get a move on and meet some new besties. I'll miss my customers, and mommy though... but maybe once I hit the big time I'll move them all out closer to me where we can prance around the forest where I'll be residing. Dope.

I hate that I don't have a working laptop right now, mostly because it's been hard to keep up to date with online shit. And I think that bothers me even more, because I really shouldn't care much at all for anything that I can't get AWAY from the computer.So I guess this whole not having a laptop doesn't bother me as much as I thought......it's less stressful for sure.Great, so now that that's all settled, I'm at my dads pad enjoying a VERY lazy Sunday. I could have swore I updated about Oregon...? Maybe I did? If not, it was great. Walked around 40+ miles in Crater Lake, most of it on the PCT and Elk (grove?) trail through the magical forest. Adam, on the other hand, walked over 1,600 miles by the time I'd arrived. He's fucking legit.Coming home, we pranced through the avenue of the giants which is home to the largest trees in the WORLD (redwoods), did some mushroom hunting (it's a new hobby of mine), and stopped in Arcata to visit my bestie Patrick Hart. Had the best ever pizza, loaded with garlic. Afterwards we went to this great beach, overcast with trees looming near, and played. Great trip.A couple weeks ago, Marisela, Craig, and I drove to Prescott for a "just because" trip. I got to ride the ATV(s) through the national forest, in the rain, which turned into hail. Awesome. We all hiked and shot guns, and found mushrooms, and walked downtown, and again, just had a great, very neccesary, relaxing trip. Adam and I are doing awesome-bo-boss'em. We've been looking at cabins in the forest to live. He's finishing up nursing school, andddd....

....IM SELLING THE COFFEE SHOP....

...nuts.

:)

I feel blessed to have owned my own place for as long as I have (3+ years), and I'll take the experience with me. So long Santa Maria, it's been real (mostly).

Plans for my little trip up north are going very smoothly. My mom, a second grade teacher, is on Summer break and will be driving me to Crater Lake, Oregon on Wednesday, Aug. 6th. I'll arrive late that evening and meet up with Adam who is now aprox. 2 weeks ahead of schedule. He broke his daily record of miles walked, up to 35 miles! He amazes me. And because of the fires, a friend he's met on the trail from England and himself resorted to hitchiking around the flames. Last we spoke was a couple days ago. The two of them were staying with a couple that opens their home to passerbys and hikers to eat, shower, use the phone, etc. Unfortunetly, he wasn't able to retrieve two packages of food he'd mailed out to himself because they were in areas affected by the fires, so he's been trying to get them sent back to Arizona with little to no luck. He'd gained quite a bit of weight in preparation for the trip (the heaviest he's been in over ten years!) and has now dropped down to 140 lbs... mind you, he's nearly 6 ft. tall. So he's needing to bulk up, and I pray he can get some meat on him for those days of walking that he doesn't have much food. Yesterday I received in the mail a package from him consisting of: one sleeping bag (a 300 dollar down to keep me warm in the possible snow), 3 pair of trail socks, a vile of liquid soap, and a note of tips on how to pack and what to bring. What I REALLY need is a Northface sweater/jacket, and pair of high quality hiking boots, preferably Keens, which will put me back quite a bit money wise (the trip ultimately will cost very little, but it's the closing of the cafe for a 7 day period that really worries me), so if ANYONE can help by donating any amount of money whatsoever I will be FOREVER grateful, REALLY! ANY bit helps, and I promise to return the favour in any way I can. Even if you just come in to buy some coffee, it'll go towards paying the bills and put my nerves at ease, making the trip much more peaceful and less stressful. If any of you are in a comfortable place, financially, I'd LOVE to have a couple material items on my list purchased for me even. As I mentioned before, the jacket and shoes are a must. I'll be wearing the same clothes for aprox. a weeks time. I don't think I'll be walking any more than 60 miles or so, but that's all up to the conditions of the trail, and my physical abilities. What we don't walk, we'll be hitchiking or catching the greyhound. At the end of our mini-journey, Adams father will be picking us up from Prescott, AZ somewhere either in Oregon or Northern California. Aside from worrying about the cafe being closed for so long, I'm SO ready for this! It's due time I had myself a little outdoor fun, and no better person to do it with than my boyfriend, Adam.I also talked to my mom about moving. I'm hoping to sell the cafe for a good chunk of money, giving everything but 10k to her, and using that to get my life started in Arizona some time next year. Nervous as hell, but it's due time I leave this area and experience some new things elsewhere. I don't plan on being there forever... I love the central coast! But I love Adam even more; we'll find our place, somewhere. For now... I'm enjoying my place here as much as possible (though at times, difficult). It'll just be nice to be living with him again.