Sunday, February 10, 2008

Life's too short.

My little list of self-improvement.

When I moved back to Cali, I saw an opportunity to make a go of my life. I don't have the oppressiveness hanging over my head anymore. I have freedom and money and time. Three things I never felt I had before. Its up to me how I want to live my life. I'm steering this ship.

I will no longer be my own worst enemy. Having a great therapist in New York (Ann Rosenberg if you are in the NYC area) helped me uncover some truths about myself. I've decided I'm not going to worry about my attractiveness anymore. No more thoughts of "What if I'm not pretty enough (for him)" or "I'm not thin enough (for him)". No more. I think I'm pretty enough and I'm not going to drive myself crazy worrying anymore. So far this strategy has worked for me. I think dating men on Match has been helpful in ironing that out. You meet men who think you're beautiful and you meet men who are clearly disappointed when they see you. Fuck em'. And that's that. In terms of the weight issue--I'm losing weight because I want to, not because someone suggested it. I'm a sexy girl and I'm not going to think any less of myself anymore. Yeah, my butt leaves something to be desired, but if you don't like it too bad. See that's how it works.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel like I'm not good enough. Unfortunately for me, I've dated a lot of men who sort of validated all my insecurities. They fed on my insecurities and as a result it made me feel unstable and uncomfortable. No more of that. This also extends into friendships. I will not be around people who bring out a negative side of me. I met someone recently that I feel brings out a competitive side of me, and I've decided that I don't like being around her. So, I keep away from her. Life is too short to get caught up in other people's drama. If you don't feel good about yourself, thats not my problem.

Professionally, I'm going to remain self-confident. I lacked self-confidence in a major way at my previous job. I always felt like I got that job by accident and that some day someone would pull the blanket off and see that I was in the wrong place and that everyone wouldn't think I'm good enough because I was educated at state schools my whole life. No more. I feel I've earned my right in this industry. I deserve to be here and I deserve to work for a great company.

I will not be made to feel incomplete because I'm single. Yeah, this one is a struggle. I'm totally fine with being single right now, I don't know how I'm going to get my physical demands met but so far, so good. It's easy to get caught up in all the married people's bullshit. Look sweetie, go live your life in suburbia and go have brunch with your in-laws on the weekend, I'm just fine going to a bar on a Tuesday night and getting so wasted I'm showing my titties to my friends. (That happened last Tuesday, and to be fair it was Fat Tuesday, so titties were in order). It's okay to be single and I'm going to enjoy it.

I think ultimately these all boil down to having confidence. Trust me it's easy to second guess yourself in SoCal, and I'm sure Manhattan as well. I feel like Shawn and I talk about all four of these constantly, but even going through my daily life, I forget, and have to stop and remind myself. BUT, now that I feel like I have quite a bit more confidence I've been able to spot the people that don't, and it's such a turn-off. Who the fuck is going to love me if I don't even love me?!?

You are so right, I hadn't even thought of it as a confidence thing, so much as I thought it was more about not giving a shit anymore. letting it go, if you will.

And I agree that its easy to spot those who don't have confidence, and sometimes the confidence makes them feel uncomfortable. People who are miserable don't like to be around confident people because it just makes them feel worse. Its all about caring about yourself because no one else will--as you eloquently point out.

Quit trying to act like I'm ripping off your blog. You wish sweetheart. Last I checked, your blog was about getting dissed by a gay boy. Something you will never read about on my blog. Gay boys love me. I'm their Cher.