Tina Knowles with friends and family at her recent wedding.
Photograph: Instagram

“Women are often wearing a cool pantsuit or a glamorous all-in-one as an alternative to the traditional wedding dress,” says Natalie Kingham, buying director at Matchesfashion.com. Recent bride Tina Knowles looked chic, but could have taken a leaf out of her daughter Solange’s book, whose recent wedding attire included a jumpsuit and matching cape. Today, the identikit wedding with the rigid dress code feels passé and unappealing. Who wants all the fuss, fascinators and a debt burden to rival that of Greece?

These questions are particularly relevant if, like me, the people around you getting married are in their 40s and over. And for some of them it’s not the first time.

“I didn’t want to wear white. I never wear white,” says 41-year-old photographers’ agent Harriet Margolies, who got hitched in a purple Amanda Wakeley evening dress that cost £400 in the sale and was customised by a friend. “I like a big, extravagant frock, but I wanted to feel like me. Not like I was in costume.”

Not quite 40, but averse to a white dress: Sofia Coppola and Thomas Mars at their wedding ceremony in Bernalda in 2011. Photograph: ANDREA BALDO/AFP/Getty Images

Feeling relaxed and comfortable and not as if you’re in fancy dress is the modern way – as Kingham concurs: “The feedback we have had is that women want to feel special, to look and feel their best but, most importantly, they want to feel like themselves.”

Spending loads of money on a princess-for-a-day dress that’s going to end up in mothballs seems unnecessary. Particularly if it’s a second wedding: “Mature women marrying for the second time often look for something structured that isn’t too flouncy and over the top,” continues Kingham. “Dolce & Gabbana and Erdem are popular because they make beautiful lace dresses that work for a wedding and can be worn again.”

Style blogger Lisa Carnochan describes her experience: “The first time round I obsessed over a dress I’d seen in a magazine and hunted everywhere until I found it. The second time, I cared less and only went shopping because my sister wanted to go and bring her daughter along.” At the age of 57, Carnochan chose a one-shouldered white tulle teadress, subsequently altered to remove a couple of frilly layers: “I like to think wear and tear on a woman increases tulle’s style quotient. And I’m not usually a fan of asymmetry, but there was nothing about being 57 that would stop me one-shouldering.”

This contemporary approach is something retailers are considering. The ShopStyle website has an online boutique dedicated to alternative wedding dresses featuring designers such as Valentino, Emilia Wickstead and The Row, as well as high-street favourites such as Ghost’s Hollywood Cassidy style that can be dyed to order. Taking the anti-wedding approach is Julia Douglas, a former head of brand publications at M&S, with the soft launch of her new MyDayMyWay website. “The plan is to ditch the cliches that are so prevalent in this industry and to give the bride more choice. If someone calls up and wants a white biker jacket, I will source it for them.”

And men are moving things forward, too. Photographer Tom Parker plans to marry in June wearing a bright-green suit and trainers, while strategy director Patrick Lodge tied the knot with his husband dressed in a Paul Smith shirt and pair of old jeans. “We deliberately didn’t want any fanfare,” says Hodge, “I just wanted to buy stuff I’d wear again, which would remind me of a really happy time. My whole thing was that it didn’t have to be an orgy of commerce.”

Could this more-relaxed attitude be an age-related phenomenon for the older and wiser? With maturity comes an appreciation for the things that really matter and less of a tendency to play keeping up with the Joneses. “I think it’s definitely age,” adds Lodge. “I’m 44 and I know that I don’t need that much money to have a great time. It’s down to the ingredients: the right mix of people, the mood and where you are.”

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