The White House will make a prime time address to announce our new War on Televisions, and he is expected to recommend the passage of a lengthy emergency powers bill, unprecedented in its scope, without hesitation or debate. 12,300! That is like four 9/11’s a year, and all of them children! Think of the children! They must be protected at all costs.

Therefore, effective immediately, in addition to the mass collection and storage of all internet activity, all email/mail/telephone/text communications, fine GPS location history, and vehicle location history authorized by the Patriot Act, the Tae-BO Act of 2013 (Televisions Are Evil–Barack Obama) will further mandate installation of 24/7 video and audio feeds form every bedroom and every living room in America, the Americas, or any country on a planet or celestial body containing American interests, as well as any non-bedroom and non-living room containing or which might at some point ever contain a television or an item which could potentially replicate any function of a television.

The actual text of the bill, which is expected to unanimously pass both the House and Senate in an unprecedented display of bipartisan American values, will not be disclosed due certain irreparable and severe harm to national security.

Obama, who noted his commitment to protecting children as “uh, definitely exceeding that of the candidate running against me, who in fact, ah, actually hates children.”