Blog - SNEHA LEEShttps://snehalees.com/blog/Mon, 21 Jan 2019 07:07:50 +0000en-GBSite-Server v6.0.0-16734-16734 (http://www.squarespace.com)#counterculturalrespectWhy this Should be Your Year of Second Hand.Respect for the PlanetSneha LeesSat, 19 Jan 2019 04:12:28 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/why-this-should-be-your-year-of-second-hand5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c42825bb9144306713671beMainstream culture exalts those who can afford shiny, brand new things and
display them on social media to increase their social capital. “Look at me
and my brand new car, my brand new shoes and my brand new bag.”
How about we exalt the kind of mindset and thoughtfulness that has regard
for the planet that is suffering around us and makes counter-cultural
choices that bring healing to our world, little by little.Have you ever bought second hand furniture? If not, why not?

For the most part, purchasing used furniture is not only a good thing from a financial point of view, with the savings you could make, it’s also better for the environment, for which YOU and I are responsible.

Yes, you.

Mainstream culture exalts those who can afford shiny, brand new things and display them on social media to increase their social capital. “Look at me and my brand new car, my brand new shoes and my brand new bag.”

How about we exalt the kind of mindset and thoughtfulness that has regard for the planet that is suffering around us and makes counter-cultural choices that bring healing to our world, little by little.

If you’re open to considering them, here are some counter-arguments to the excuses above:

You’ve always been able to afford brand new, so you buy brand new.

No problems. Now that you know differently, you can do differently. If you’ve got the money to throw around, why don’t you challenge yourself to check out the retail price at the shops, wait for a 2nd hand alternative, buy it, calculate the difference and donate the leftover money (since you now have it) to The Wilderness Society or another charity you care about.

Ew. Who knows what the previous owners have done with it.

It will forever be their secret. But give yourself credit for being smart enough to recognise when something looks disgusting beyond repair and when something can just be cleaned or wiped up before you reuse it. You’ll know.

And I’d bet you’re also kind enough to put in that little extra effort for the planet rather than waddling into a shop and saying, “So shiny. Already clean. Me want.”

It’s too much trouble and you’d rather just go to the shops.

If you’re here, reading this, I’ll hazard a guess that heart is big enough to be willing to go to the trouble. Even if you haven’t in the past. It’s never too late to change the way you’ve been doing something.

If I were you, I’d take the time. There’s a lot more we need to do (and I’ll keep posting about those things). But for here and now, this is one small way you can make a difference.

Buying a few pieces of used furniture isn’t going to reverse global warming. But if everyone did it, imagine the difference it would make in terms of resources, emissions and other negative externalities of producing each new unit of furniture.

And every time one of your guests or one of your children sits on that used sofa or chair and puts their drink on the used coffee table in your lounge, you can tell them your story; your small labour of love for the well-being of our beloved planet (who’s probably not feeling the love at the moment).

Related Video:

]]>Why this Should be Your Year of Second Hand.I've been trying to make them understand.Respectful RelationshipsSneha LeesSat, 12 Jan 2019 05:55:53 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/ive-been-trying-to-make-them-understand5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c39768b4ae237c2463b6c15Do you, if you stop to listen to yourself, often hear yourself say the
words, “You’ll never understand,” or “I’m trying to make them understand?”
Or, are you regularly on the receiving end of those words? If so, let’s
take a few minutes and nut this out together.Every human, at his or her core, desires to be understood. This includes you.

Dr. Stephen Covey, in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, encourages his readers to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

He goes on to say,

“‘Seek first to understand’ involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives…Empathic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel….Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re listening to understand. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul.”

- Dr. Stephen Covey

It takes a lot of humility and self-awareness to admit to oneself that you are probably not a very good listener. Or maybe that you’re capable of listening but incapable of empathising.

Take a minute now, to assess, how concerted your efforts are to understand those around you, especially in comparison to how hard you try to make them understand you.

If you can afford to do better when it comes to trying to understand others, all it takes is one tiny decision. It takes a small choice, at the next opportunity you have to hear someone else’s point of view (when in disagreement with yours), that your sole mission, then and there, is to understand them first.

Like everything else, it takes practice. Keep making that little choice over and over. Keep deciding to open your ears and your heart while keeping your mouth shut. I promise, you will get better at it over time.

Why?

You'll position yourself to be part of the solution rather than the problem

You’ll strengthen your relationships by taking this approach

You’ll feel lighter and your emotional intelligence will grow

But most importantly

The person on the other end of the conversation deserves, just as much as you do, to be heard and have their views validated. You are always going to be entitled to your opinions and are welcome to disagree. But you can disagree with someone and still validate that their view is true and important to them.

Lately, I’ve been speaking up about the oppression of women in India. So far, I’ve been keeping my videos about Indian women on YouTube pretty light-hearted but in some day-to-day discussions, I’ve been bringing up issues of child abuse, child sexual abuse, suicide, rape and other forms of injustice endured by women and girls, in my country of birth (which I acknowledge, is not the only country where it happens - just the country where I can clearly see how and why).

The most frustrating responses I’ve received, thus far, have been those that deny the problem even exists. The conversation snaps in half when someone does that. It can’t continue. There will be no agreement, no debate, no discussion, simply a full-stop. This is such a disrespectful way to treat the concerns of another person.

Sometimes it’s due to ignorance. Sometimes it’s because the other person doesn’t want to see the problem because it paints someone or something they care about in a negative light.

But if we’re going to make progress, we need to be okay with that. We need to hear the other person. We must try to understand. Treat others how you want to be treated.

If you prefer to stick with pushing your own views onto others, you’ll have be prepared to have fewer meaningful conversations with others. People will feel the need to stick to shallow waters around you because of your choice not to go deeper with them.

Yes, it’s a choice. It’s not an inability. You make a choice to not try. You make a choice when you aim to win arguments by denying that the other person’s plight is a non-issue.

Culture tells you to speak your mind. I agree, 100%. But if you want to be a better human, reserve your speech for later. First, listen and understand the thoughts and feelings of other humans around you. Show them counter-cultural respect.

]]>I've been trying to make them understand.What does beauty look like to you?Self RespectSneha LeesMon, 07 Jan 2019 04:35:58 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/what-does-beauty-look-like-to-you5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c32b35c03ce64e8bf272ab0To many people in the world, actually, perhaps to the majority of people in
the world, beauty is synonymous with one’s outward attractiveness
including, their hairstyle, makeup, choice of clothing, body shape and so
on. The most important question on the topic however, is, what does beauty
look like to you?To many people in the world, actually, perhaps to the majority of people in the world, beauty is synonymous with one’s outward attractiveness including, their hairstyle, makeup, choice of clothing, body shape and so on.

The most important question on the topic however, is, what does beauty look like to you?

Let me tell you what it looks like to me. I divide it into 4 parts; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Here’s what I mean by that:

Physical

It’s beautiful to see you doing the best you can, on most days, to work towards an optimal state of health for your body type. This includes eating well, sleeping well and exercising in ways that are possible for you and bring you enjoyment.

Mental

It’s beautiful to know that you are making it a priority, as much as you possibly can and where it is within your control, to live in a way that reduces mental stress and increases mindfulness and peace of mind. [Related video: 4 ways to feel less busy]

Emotional

It’s beautiful when you aspire to be as self-aware as you possibly can, in order to be able to efficiently and effectively name your emotions and process them in a healthy way. This puts you in a position to be able to help those in your close relationships to do the same.

Spiritual

It’s beautiful to find yourself as you seek after this higher power, this God who made you. For me, there has been nothing more precious or rewarding than pursuing a relationship with my creator. This looks different for everyone. You can read more about my spiritual journey here.

One of the most beautiful things on the planet is seeing one human being recognise the humanity, dignity and worth in another and to outwardly give of themselves for the well being of the other.

Ask what feels beautiful more often than you ask what looks beautiful.

Also, ask yourself what you think beauty looks like? You might be inspired by my definition above or you might come up with something else. If you do, please feel free to share it in the comments below.

I marvel at the creative abilities of fashion designers, makeup artists (I was one myself) , and others in the fashion and ‘beauty’ industry who so intelligently explore their craft. I hope they will continue to inspire us in their chosen art form. However, their work is a form of creativity, not a way to make you more beautiful.

If you think beauty can be achieved by altering the outside of a human being, I encourage you to think again and think harder. Culture tells us that beauty is all about outward appearance. I challenge you to think counter-culturally and find your own, deeper definition of beauty.

If we are defining beauty in superficial terms, then that beauty is superficial. Ultimately, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Change the lens, redefine then behold your own beauty. I don’t see how you can be disappointed when you see it that way.

I don’t even have to see you to tell you that you’re beautiful, just the way you are. I believe that your incredible beauty is an inevitable consequence of being created by a being who is the source of all genius and artistic ability.

That is my belief, you may disagree. Or you may agree but you’d rather hear it from Bruno Mars than from me.

]]>What does beauty look like to you?I'm back everyone!Sneha LeesTue, 01 Jan 2019 05:02:14 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/imback5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c2af30d0e2e72e38d8dce50Happy New Year friends! I’m stoked to now have a platform to cover other
topics that really matter to me.Hello hello hello! I have missed blogging!

But I’m here now and ready as ever! By the way, have you noticed the new website?! I am so excited to expand the conversation.

It has been great to talk about perfectionism and I will certainly continue to do so. But I’m stoked to now have a platform to cover other topics that really matter to me. Check out the home page to have a look at what I’m banging about now.

Counter-cultural respect really matters to me and I think that being a young woman of Indian heritage plays a huge part in that.

Anyway, I’ll let you explore and I look forward to continuing to (hopefully) inspire you with weekly blog posts. But keep an eye out for the weekly vlogs and daily devotionals as well.

Much love,

Sneha x

]]>I'm back everyone!I'll be away for two and a half weeksSneha LeesSun, 16 Dec 2018 08:11:27 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/ill-be-away-for-two-weeks5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c16052e4d7a9c14f012c1d8Thank you for dropping by. I won’t be posting anything for the next two and
a half weeks. I look forward to putting more content up here when I get
back, but in the meantime, there is plenty up here already to read up on if
you’re interesting in the life of a recovering perfectionist. Merry
Christmas!Hello readers,

Thank you for dropping by. I won’t be posting anything for the next two weeks and a bit.

I look forward to putting more content up here when I get back, but in the meantime, there is plenty up here already to read up on if you’re interesting in the life of a recovering perfectionist.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Sneha.

]]>I'll be away for two and a half weeksYou didn't get the results you wanted [Part Two]Self RespectSneha LeesFri, 14 Dec 2018 02:21:44 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/you-didnt-get-the-results-you-wanted-part-two5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c130b184ae237ce2a29f549This is for all the Year 12 students who are at the beginning of a new
journey and possibly feeling sad at the end of an old one.Read part one first.

5. Remember how small your world is at age 18. Even if you consider your world is large, it probably isn’t be as big as it will be in a few years’ time. You know so little compared to your 28 year old self.

I know it sounds like an eternity away but it will be here before you know it. Right now, you’re a product of the past 18 years. Your experiences, world view and your travels have revolved around your schooling for the past 13 years.

Everything is going to open up now. Don’t let that freedom be in vain by allowing others to put limits on what you can and can’t do, should and shouldn’t do. Preference number 1 on your list of tertiary courses is not the only option out there.

6. Think about what you need right now. Very few people know what they want to do for the rest of their lives at age 18. If you have the luxury to do so financially, take a year off to explore and figure yourself out. Apart from who your parents, or anyone else, wants you to be.

If you prefer to launch into the next stage of study, even if you’re unsure of what to study, my advice is to go down the path of something you’re good at, even if you’re not necessarily passionate about it. And see it as an interim measure, until you find your passion (which will hopefully be linked to what you’re good at).

If you’re good at Science, find a general Science course. Do that and make sure you’re expanding your horizons on the weekends; reading up, going to industry and non-industry events that interest you and volunteering. Exposing yourself to other worlds will help you find your sweet spot. If you notice an unquenchable curiosity for art, I.T., music, history or theology instead, you can always transfer across.

University might not even be the path for you. You might get into the workforce straight away. Do a short course. Do an apprenticeship. There are options. Your options might be limited but you do have options. If you have a vision for yourself and you’re driven, you’ll get there.

7. Know that you will never and should never be anyone else but who you are. You might love and admire your older sibling, or your parent or a friend who has been through the process. But you are cheating yourself and the world around you, if you deprive them of you, by trying to follow somebody else’s path.

I believe that God made you, so that you can be yourself and light up the world in ways that only you can. To live abundantly and freely and to enjoy yourself on the journey, even amidst the hardships you will face. Figure out what switches that light on. It’s not going to be by imitating others, no matter how wonderful they are.

8. If you have read all of the above and are still shaking your head, thinking, “You don’t get it, you don’t have parents like mine and you’re not in my situation. I have no choice.” Well, in that case, you sound like my 17 year old self. My heart breaks for you.

People could conjure up the most inspirational speeches about our bright futures and I thought none of it applied to me because I had no choice but to do what my parents wanted me to. You have to know that this is simply not true.

Your parents can guilt you all they want. But consider this, is that a kind thing to do? Is that what real love looks like? They might say, “We’re doing this because we love you.” No, they’re not.

They might love you and be really bad at showing it. But they’re not forcing you into a life you don’t want, because they love you. They’re doing it because they love themselves and their reputations more than the person you really are; a person they probably don’t know because you’ve had to hide it all along.

So they probably love a version of you that aligns with their ideals and not the real you. They might get royally pissed if they knew the real you. Unfortunately, this is a reality for some of us.

Now, I’m not saying to shove it to your parents. What I will say (and this is what I would have done differently if I could go back) is to realise that your parents are fallible people. They are a product of the culture and community they grew up in, just as you are.

They are human. And for that, they deserve respect and love just as much as you do. But no human deserves to be Lord over another humans life. And if that’s who they are to you, only you can break that.

You can respectfully and firmly say no. “I love you, but no. I’m going to be taking a different path because I’m not going waste my gifts, talents and passions by not pursuing them.”

And for goodness’ sake, if you have parents whose love is not conditional on your academic performance or on anything at all, realise how amazing that is. Make sure you let them know of your gratitude.

Man, I know all of this is easier said than done. Talk it through with someone wise in your life who you can trust. If you can’t think of anyone, please feel free to get in touch with me. I would love to be a sounding board if you need one and to offer you support. You are NOT alone in this.

Sincerely and with love,

Sneha

]]>You didn't get the results you wanted [Part Two]You didn't get the results you wanted [Part One]Self RespectSneha LeesThu, 13 Dec 2018 01:41:00 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/you-didnt-get-the-results-you-wanted-part-one5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c12f648b8a045c20076b25eThis is for all the year 12 students who are at the beginning of a new
journey and possibly feeling sad at the end of an old one. Read more…This post was initially for a brother from another mother who, after 13 years of school, received his final results today, which were slightly lower than he’d hoped. His marks will help to determine the next step in his academic life. He worked his arse off and I think he’s feeling apprehensive and down about it now.

It’s also for you, if you are having a tough time digesting your score.

Dear Year 12 Student,

Here’s what I wish I could tell my 17 year old self. I can’t go back in time but I hope it helps you:

Make a mental list of the people who are proud of you and love you regardless of your score. In fact, they probably don’t even feel inclined to ask you what your score was.

Make a decision right now that you’re only going to talk to them about it. Sit down and figure out a generic response you will give people who are outside your ‘circle of trust.’ This is particularly important if you come from an ethnic or tightly-knit community where everybody wants to know.

Rehearse your response if you need to, especially if you’re not comfortable being assertive. Try, “I’m not sharing my score with anyone at this point, thanks for your concern.”

Be polite and change the subject quickly. If they insist, just repeat exactly what you said like a broken record. Receptionists are great at this. It makes the other person feel silly for continuing to ask. And so they should.

Allow yourself to feel. It’s more than okay to feel down about it. Be authentic. Talk to someone in your circle of trust who is just happy to listen without feeling the need to give you advice.

You don't really need advice yet. You’ve been through a whirlwind. Be with someone who will simply let you be. Talk and talk as much as you need. Those feelings aren’t going to go away until you process them. Be disappointed. Be frustrated. Be angry. Be sad. Get it out of your system.

Realise that you’re not at the end of your life. You’re at the beginning of something new. The score is not the thing that is worrying. What’s worrying is the people in our families or communities who believe that it is the be all and end all.

You are more than an academic score. You have a purpose on this Earth. And that purpose is beyond the knowledge and grasp of all these folks who idiotically make a mountain out of this molehill.

Is your score important? Yes. Is it going to determine your future? No.

]]>You didn't get the results you wanted [Part One]Being a perfectionist when my kid asks me to read to herOtherSneha LeesTue, 11 Dec 2018 11:41:40 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/when-my-kid-asks-me-to-read-to-her5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c0f99decd8366dccee810daI’m envious of the way my husband can just let loose and make up a story
that is so different to the one that has been authored, using the pictures
as inspiration. I need to loosen up! Read more…Last week, I walked past my daughter’s room to see her on her daddy’s lap, as he butchered through one of her picture books. He wasn’t reading any of the words on the page. I laughed, appreciating his creativity.

It dawned on me that I restrict myself so much when I read to her. I read the words on the page, exactly as they are. And sometimes, if I’m feeling a little wild, I’ll point to characters or creatures on the page and name them.

Why?

She loves it when both of us read to her but I’m envious of the way my husband can just let loose and make up a story that is so different to the one that has been written out, using the pictures as inspiration.

Maybe it’s because I feel the need to honour the words the author has written? I guess I also feel like my imagination has been suffering a little lately. I used to be a day-dreamer and my imagination was amazing.

Either way, I really need to loosen up right now!

As a perfectionist, do you ever find yourself in a similar boat? Do you have any tips for strengthening your imagination? And helping it grow wilder? Comment below.

]]>Being a perfectionist when my kid asks me to read to herImperfect FamiliesRespectful RelationshipsSneha LeesMon, 10 Dec 2018 10:33:25 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/imperfect-families5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c0e3824562fa767854299b9You don’t need to pretend at Christmas. Read more…The festive season can often stir up emotions regarding the imperfections we see in our immediate and extended families.

Our families might look perfect at times but in reality they will never be perfect.

The best we can do is allow ourselves to be authentic with one another. And in turn, actively listening and empathising with those in our family who are being vulnerable before us.

It’s okay to feel sad or angry with the actions of a family member. Judgement doesn’t help.

You don’t need to pretend just because it’s Christmas time.

Be open. Be honest. You can accept and respect someone whilst still disagreeing with them. You can also choose to forgive them at this point. If, however, their actions are still causing you hurt, you don’t need to be in their company. Even if it is Christmas.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation can only happen if the person whose actions are causing hurt is willing to accept responsibility and work towards a better future together.

I love Richard Jenkins’ line in ‘Eat, Pray, Love,’ when he’s speaking with Julia Roberts. In discussing her divorce, she says that she still misses her ex-husband. He responds, “So miss him. Send him light and love every time you think of him, then drop it.”

You don’t just drop it without trying hard though.

Showing love to someone in your family isn’t about doing it in a way that is convenient to you but in a way that speaks volumes to them, based on who they are and how they perceive love. And if they really love you, they’ll make it their mission to get to know you deeply and do the same for you.

But sometimes you can love someone till you’re blue in the face and they’ll just throw it back in your blue face. And that’s when I think the Eat, Pray, Love line can help. When a family member just refuses to pull their head in, you can send them light and love. You can pray for them. You can keep hoping for healing. Then you can let go.

]]>Imperfect FamiliesAre you surrounded by eggshells?Respectful RelationshipsSneha LeesSun, 09 Dec 2018 05:12:00 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/are-you-surrounded-by-eggshells5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c0f431db8a0457176c3813fDoes your perfectionism extend to the communities you are a part of, by way
of the standards you expect your interactions with others to meet? Read
more…Does your perfectionism extend to the communities you are a part of, by way of the standards you expect your interactions with others to meet?

Your expectations are like eggshells you place on the ground around you. And you can probably tolerate two broken eggshells. But then the third one gets stepped on and you’re out of there!

Whether it’s at your gym, your workplace, your parents group, your spiritual community or a shop where you’re a regular customer; you’ll keep going as long as the experience is pleasant. Then when someone pushes the wrong button, that’s it, you’re out. I’m never going back there again!

Perhaps you don’t want to hang around and let your reputation get tarnished? Or maybe it just hurts too much to go back? Sometimes you don’t have to. Other times, you recognise the long-term benefit of persisting and become a part of the solution, even if it does mean more frustration.

Is there something you’re thinking of running away from now?

Are your core values going to be on the line if you leave?

Why are you leaving?

If it’s a wise decision to leave now, then go. And don’t look back.

If it’s going to be a wiser decision to stay, then stay. Don’t let your need to constantly have perfect interactions with the people around you, hold you back from making a difference and being a problem-solver.

Make that your reputation.

]]>Are you surrounded by eggshells?Your Perfect PaceSelf RespectSneha LeesFri, 07 Dec 2018 09:49:00 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/the-perfect-pace5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c0b89efb8a045e9c7ffa166When it comes to starting a business, writing a book, hiking and most other
activities that require perseverance what is the perfect pace for you?
Read more…I went for a full day hike with my best friend and a group of people whom we had never met before. I did not enjoy the first 20 minutes of it at all. The first 20 minutes were spent huffing and puffing, trying to keep up with the pace of those leading the pack.

It was advertised as being suitable for people with a moderate fitness level. I thought, ‘That’s me!’ I had climbed the thousand steps in Ferntree Gully with a 7.5kg baby strapped to my body. I could do this!

What I failed to take into account were that my fitness levels had declined drastically since participating in National Novel Writing Month. With each opportunity to write, I had glued myself to the desk and chose to do that at the expense of exercising, only going for walks 2-3 times per week and ignoring resistance altogether. Not a good idea.

So I struggled this morning. Then I realised that for me to enjoy what was meant to be a contemplative, reflective walk, I needed to go at my own pace. When I was no longer gasping for air, I could hear the running water, the rustle of leaves in the breeze, kookaburras and blue wrens.

It was beautiful! I need to build my fitness back up again, of course. But I could have pushed myself and powered through, missing the glorious details and intricacies of nature around me. And hopefully it will not feel as much of an effort as last time.

Trying to keep up with those in front of you will leave you gasping for air. Worrying about those coming up behind you will make you rush when you shouldn’t. You need to find your own perfect pace at any given time; a pace at which you’re feeling challenged but you’re confident of seeing it through. Anything more is unsustainable. Anything less is unfinished.

Are there any areas in your life where you need to consider changing your pace?

]]>Your Perfect PaceOne of the greatest things about perfectionistsSelf RespectSneha LeesThu, 06 Dec 2018 16:13:00 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/one-of-the-greatest-things-about-perfectionists5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c08678b352f53b89f1f27feAs you continue your journey on recovery from the crippling effects of
perfectionism, I hope you will hold on to one thing. Read more…As you continue your journey of recovery from the crippling effects of perfectionism, I hope you will hold on to one thing.

Your ability to see room for improvement and to aim higher. You definitely need to get better at discerning when to act on it. Because you cannot go around being the perfection police, trying to fix everything; that’s where our downfall lies.

But one of the best things about you is that you won’t settle. You won’t stop hoping for more. And seeing the potential for something to be better.

Hold on to that quality and it will hold you in good stead.

]]>One of the greatest things about perfectionistsChristmas; just another day. SpiritualitySneha LeesWed, 05 Dec 2018 12:53:02 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/christmas-just-another-day5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c07b67cf950b7323825cf43I don’t want to follow the current and make Christmas a stressful time for
our family. After all, it’s just another day. Read more…I ran into an old neighbour of mine in the supermarket today. She asked me how I’m going with Christmas preparations. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It seems like I’m supposed to be buzzing around, doing more. Am I supposed to be doing more?”

“Nope.” She said, “That’s how it should be.” I nodded, still unsure of myself.

I don’t want to follow the current and make Christmas a stressful time for our family. After all, it’s just another day.

It makes me think of the way that people throw so much into their wedding day without paying much thought to the time and resources that need to go into preparing for a healthy marriage (i.e. books, workshops, counselling sessions, etc).

We throw so much at Christmas day and we get carried away by the stress of putting on the perfect celebration with the perfect table setting and perfect food, that all the joy gets sucked out of it in the end. You might be singing ‘Joy to the World.’ Meanwhile, there’s no joy left in your heart or in your family.

My husband and I are still figuring out what Christmas is going to look like for us, now that we have our little daughter with us. I think that as the years go by, we’ll be guided by the sorts of things that excite her around this time of the year.

So far, we don’t have plans to pretend that Santa Claus exists. I believe we can foster a wild imagination in her without Santa having to be in the picture.

If we’re going to make or buy our daughter a gift, we’re going to tell her that it’s a token of our love for her and not just because it’s Christmas or because a fictional man with no relationship to her, squeezed down a chimney just because that’s his job.

And I hate this rubbish about Santa checking if kids have been naughty or nice. I feel angry even writing those words. No one should be described in such black and white terms.

No child is bad or naughty. Their behaviour may be inconvenient or difficult but there is so much more to that than simply being naughty (that’s for another post).

We wouldn’t speak to an adult in those terms so why do we afford children so little respect? And what do we teach them about themselves when we tell them that they’re getting gifts this year because they’ve been ‘good?’

In our family, we believe in God but we don’t believe Christmas needs to be a big hoo-ha in terms of getting into a ‘the spirit of giving’ (a phrase loved by marketers). If we’re going to be kind people, we need to make giving a priority throughout the year.

And certainly not just in material terms. We can give of our time, our ideas, our ears to listen with and our hands to help with. You could make a whole list. In fact, maybe you could sit down with your family this Christmas and make a list of the ways you all can hold on to the spirit of giving throughout the year.

I also know that people love the idea of celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Meh. I mean, I think the world of Jesus (to put it mildly). But I don’t know. I just think every single day is glorious and not any less so in comparison to Christmas day.

Not every day will be happy, easy, fulfilling or without suffering. I’ve sure had my fair share of shitty mornings or afternoons or evenings, this year.

But the glory is evident when I look back and see how that period of hardship caused me to grow and change in miraculous ways. And also for the countless things and people I am grateful for each day.

So what is Christmas going to look like for us this year? Well, I look into our lounge and there’s a miniature Christmas tree with cute baubles and a nativity scene enhanced by some of our daughter’s Lego farm animals. But that’s about it.

We’ll have family over and we’re asking everyone to bring a plate of something to share. We’ll make mince pies in the evenings leading up to Christmas with Home Alone in the background, as well as all of the Harry Potter movies. I’ll admit that’s a weird tradition but it really gets me in the mood, probably because Hogwarts have the coolest Christmas set up.

We’ve asked that no one brings toys for our daughter, partly because of landfill + microplastics in the ocean + we hate waste and would rather hire toys or buy 2nd hand + children in the first world don’t need more stuff, they need better examples.

And partly because we’ve asked our family to donate to Destiny Rescue who pull underage girls out of brothels, instead. Don’t even get me started on that. It makes me sick to my bones. If you’re still here reading this, please consider supporting them.

I hope I haven’t pooped all over your party if you do have a tradition of grand Christmas celebrations. Look, by all means, if it’s life-giving, brings joy, is mindful, isn’t wasteful and most of all, is meaningful and for you and your family, go ahead!

I guess it boils down to this. If Jesus is the reason you celebrate Christmas or ‘the reason for the season’ as you might say in Christianese, (and I know for many families, he is not - keep reading - it still matters), consider the following:

Are you making ethical choices as a consumer this Christmas? Are you honouring your responsibility to the Earth He made for you and the animals He created to live in it? (You don’t have to have a vegan or vegetarian dinner but you can choose to buy the most ethically produced meat possible).

Are you honouring and respecting your children with the language you use and the reasons you give to them?

Are you aware that the adults in the room were also ‘precious children’ once upon a time? And they stopped being seen as precious just because they grew up one day. Yourself included. How can we treat them like they’re special again? I get that there are genuine problems within families. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be kind even if you need to maintain a distance.

How can you make a concerted effort to do the above throughout the year?

So yes, Christmas is just another day for us. Another glorious day. And if we’re different people when Christmas comes around, then we don’t take seriously enough the meaning of Christmas.

I would love to know what Christmas looks like for you and if you, at any point, have had to reevaluate it’s significance or they way it takes place in your life. Please comment below.

]]>Christmas; just another day.It still counts!Self RespectSneha LeesTue, 04 Dec 2018 10:24:48 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/it-still-counts5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c0635c803ce64cab87b1fc4Are you prone to discounting your efforts if they were imperfectly carried
out? Read more…As a perfectionist, I am prone to discounting my efforts if they were imperfectly carried out.

For example, when doing low intensity steady-state workouts, I would feel like I have to do the full 40 minute walk in one go. If I stopped to pick up groceries halfway, I wouldn’t count the first 20 minutes, because I would ‘break’ the steady state. Then I’d have to start again. It’s ridiculous and so disheartening!

But that’s how obsessive I used to be about getting things perfect.

It’s better to walk 20 minutes, stop over for groceries then do another 20 rather than to do 40 minutes without picking up my groceries. That would have pushed me back with making dinner and would have been less efficient use of time.

Of course, if time permits, I’d prefer to have an uninterrupted workout without having to run errands during it. However, that is not always possible with a toddler so I need to be kind to myself and not discount my efforts.

In which areas of your life can you afford to be more gracious to yourself? What have you been discounting that needs counting?

]]>It still counts!A Toolkit for greater self-awarenessSelf RespectSneha LeesMon, 03 Dec 2018 09:21:32 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/a-toolkit-for-greater-self-awareness5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c04a8a0032be459fe184195Want to become more self-aware? These resources worked for me. Read more…Yesterday I promised that I would share the resources that helped me to become a more self-aware person. This post has not been sponsored. I genuinely recommend these resources after having benefited from them myself.

Above all, the most helpful exercise for growing in self-awareness, for me, was seeing a counsellor/therapist for a solid two years. There is nothing like having a psychologist asking you question after question (the right questions) to help you delve deeper and get to the bottom of things.

I would love for you to add to this list. Please share below in the comments section.

]]>A Toolkit for greater self-awarenessTaking people off pedestalsRespectful RelationshipsSneha LeesSun, 02 Dec 2018 07:18:10 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/taking-people-off-pedestals5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c03707e8a922dc3f330d869The key to not putting people on pedestals in your life is becoming more
self-aware. Read more…Yesterday I wrote about taking ourselves off a pedestal. Today it’s about taking others off the pedestals we put them on.

When I was younger, I was too trusting and easily impressionable. That came about as a result of a strength and a weakness. The strength was that I easily saw the best in people. The weakness was that I was desperate for the approval of others.

Today, there are no more pedestals. I’m able to look at a person and see qualities in them that I admire and also see traits that aren’t so appealing to me.

The problem with being an ‘all or nothing person’ is that rather than seeing light and darkness in every human being, you can easily fall into the trap of seeing a person as all good or all bad.

If you perceive them as all bad, you treat them like they’re unclean and you keep a distance. If you view them as all good, you put them on a pedestal and worship them. When you’re around them, everything is about pleasing them and making sure they see the best of you.

That’s unhealthy.

I believe the key to being able to see people clearly and fairly is to become more self aware. Take the time to figure out who you are and in particular, what principles and values you will choose to uphold at any cost in your life.

I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, “If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.” Figure out what you stand for. I’ll share about some tools to help with this next week.

The thing about knowing what you stand for is:

You’ll feel more secure in yourself and not have to rely on the other person for validation.

You’ll have your own set of values and beliefs. They become your guiding light instead of the human you’ve been following around.

Go ahead and push those pedestals out from under people you’ve idolised, whether they’re leaders, celebrities, friends or even your parents. They’re imperfect. By all means, admire the admirable. But you do yourself more damage by worshipping them. And it’s unfair on them - they’re just human.

]]>Taking people off pedestalsUncleanRespecting WomenRespectful RelationshipsSneha LeesSat, 01 Dec 2018 07:38:01 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/unclean5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5c0228be352f53138d28585fWho have you most recently pronounced as ‘unclean’? Even if you didn’t use
that particular word. Read more…This article about the way some Indian women are banished to a small hut on the outskirts of their villages for being ‘unclean’ while menstruating, got me thinking about what it means to be ‘clean.’

The practice is irrelevant and outdated to most of us. It’s also a violation of the human rights these women are entitled to. But without delving too far into that, I’m interested in looking at what human beings consider clean and unclean.

There is often a cultural story behind why certain things or foods are considered to be unclean. But when one human can look at another human and think, “You are unclean,” that’s heavy. And I think it’s related to the ideals and ideas of perfection people hold on to.

I think we all do it in subtle ways. Yes, you and I. Sure, I’m never going to endorse excommunicating someone for having their period. The thought makes my heart hurt for these women who are treated in this way, just for being women. But it all starts somewhere.

What about when I look at someone and secretly think, “Ugh, I would never treat my child that way. How barbaric.” Or, “I can’t believe how ignorant that person is when they make flippant comments about x, y, z." Or worse, judging someone for being judgmental. All the while, I’m making subconscious decisions about distancing myself from the person.

At the heart of it, I’m looking at that person as unclean, not wanting them to contaminate my way of life. Shameful as it is to say out loud, I obviously feel that my ways are superior to theirs. And I put myself on a pedestal. I think most of us do it, without realising.

You don’t have to be friends with everyone. You shouldn’t be friends with everyone. Nor should you continually put yourself in the company of people who are genuinely a negative influence. But you should take a good, hard look at how you secretly categorise people.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have opinions of other people’s actions. And to assess for ourselves whether or not those actions would be right or wrong for ourselves. That’s healthy. But there’s a difference in doing that and taking it a step further into judging that person.

I’m sure that the men in the Indigenous Indian communities that cast ‘unclean’ women out of the villages view themselves as clean and superior. You might think that’s far-fetched from your reality, archaic and ill-informed.

But it’s not that far removed when you realise that it all stems from the same roots of perfectionism, self-righteousness and maybe superstition, watered frequently with judgement. Yeah, there are some pretty ugly plants growing in our hearts.

Some of you have considered the plight of the women we speak of and immediately started thinking about how they can be helped and what sorts of resources are required for culturally-sensitive and sustainable change to come about so that their dignity would be recognised and upheld.

And some of you have automatically started to judge the community leaders and the men who allow it without taking to the time to research or understand why things are the way they are in these communities.

Regardless of your beliefs, I think it’s hard not to admire the actions of Jesus when he stood up for a woman considered to be unclean in her day. A group of religious leaders were about to stone her for having ‘committed adultery.’ Jesus is recorded to have basically said, “Whichever one of you has never done anything wrong or thought anything wrong, can throw the first stone.” The religious folks all had no choice but to walk away.

We throw stones all day long at people we consider to be unclean. In our minds, we reckon they’d be better off in a metaphorical hut outside our community. We just use more contemporary words to describe those thoughts to ourselves. Just because we would never call them’unclean’ out loud or actually pick up a stone and throw it at them, doesn’t mean we aren’t doing it internally.

Who in your life have you written off as unclean? More importantly, have you put yourself on a pedestal and is it time to come down?

P.S. More more information on efforts towards destigmatising menstruation and on organisations assisting the women mentioned in the article, you can look at the following websites:

An older couple we admire once told us that a proper apology has 4 steps:

“I’m sorry for…”

“You were right about…and I was wrong to…”

“Please forgive me.”

“What can I do better next time?”

Just last week I said to my husband:

I am sorry for overstepping our budget.

You were right to be upset about that and I was wrong to disregard this fortnight’s budget that we had worked on together.

Please forgive me.

What can I do better next time?

To which he replied, “Please be more mindful when you’re spending money next time.” Fair enough. Learning about this process for apologising has been one of the best pieces of advice that we have applied to our relationship. It’s humbling, disarming and opens doors for conversation and healing.

Saying sorry is one of the most wonderful things we can do for someone who is hurting. It’s a soothing balm on the wounds in their heart. Feel free to be a perfectionist with your apologies.

What do you think holds people back from apologising? Do you owe someone an apology? Are you waiting for one? Comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

]]>A Perfect ApologySwallowing your mistakesRespectful RelationshipsSneha LeesThu, 29 Nov 2018 14:31:00 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/swallowing-your-mistakes5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5bff104988251b18761f1b8dDealing with the lump in your throat and moving on. Read more…When I know I’ve made a mistake, I often feel like I have a lump in my throat. Does that happen to you too?

There are times when we are just going to have to swallow it and move on.

The situation may or may not call for an apology. Nor do we need to fluster and flap, trying to fix it.

That’s where perfectionists struggle. We won’t rest until we have fixed it.

Sometimes you can’t.

So just swallow. And keep walking. No one said it would be easy but it’s the only thing left to do. And the sooner we do it, the sooner we’ll get somewhere.

]]>Swallowing your mistakesBreastfeeding Unicorn (Not)Self RespectSneha LeesWed, 28 Nov 2018 05:54:43 +0000https://snehalees.com/blog/breastfeeding-unicorn5bf592ea12b13f1fd1aeb1eb:5c298021758d46566d01c9e2:5bfc87ee898583ac2d29f612Who knew that perfectionism could permeate through so many facets of life,
including breastfeeding. Read more…Walking past a playground of children with a crying 14 month old, pushing the pram with my right hand and holding the dog’s leash with my left, is uncomfortable. Everything in me wanted to pick my upset little girl up and cuddle her, but it was just not doable with the dog.

***

I made the decision about a month ago to drop her daytime feeds because it was becoming too painful for me, with the arrival of her teeth. It was normal for her to fall asleep as she fed but the problem was that as she drifted off, her latch would weaken and down came the teeth. Ouch!

Generally, she doesn’t ask to feed during the day anymore, as she loves solid food and is a busy bee, exploring the world. So my partner and I have been taking her for walks before her naps and she usually falls asleep in her pram. But yesterday, she was not happy about sitting in her pram.

It took a lot of brainpower and conscious effort to process my emotions as she cried. We kept walking but we were quite far from home at this point. I had to fight the guilt that tried to creep in. This wouldn’t be a problem if you just fed her rather than continuing to walk.

I’m ashamed of it now but I used to be judgemental of other mums who would talk about how they wished they could breastfeed for longer but ‘couldn’t’, for whatever reason. I’d think, ‘If you really wanted to, you would make it happen.’ I related to Julie Tenner’s mentality in this Nourishing the Mother podcast episode (The Boob Angst).

As we walked, I was worried that my baby was feeling unloved as she cried and I refused to pick her up. I felt like I wasn’t being a good enough RIE/Positive/Conscious/Gentle parent! Then I thought about how calm and easy going she generally is. She knows she is loved and even though she gets upset (and shows it) like every other child, she is very contented on a deep level.

This moment of clarity enabled me to keep walking without guilt as she cried. I acknowledged her and let her know that she was heard and that I could see that she didn’t want to be in the pram at that moment. I was sorry that she felt upset but it not safe to pick her up and still get the pram and the dog home.

Had I let the guilt overcome me, I would have picked her up and cuddled her, only to have to return her to the pram, which would make her upset all over again and lengthened the process of getting home. And look, if she was having a full on meltdown cry, I would have done that but it wasn’t that severe so we kept going.

It would have been great to persevere with breastfeeding up until the World Health Organisation’s recommendation of 2 years of age. But I’m not a breastfeeding unicorn. I don’t want to become resentful about breastfeeding and I don’t want to keep putting myself through the pain that it’s been causing lately.

The guilt came from wanting to ‘perfectly’ follow the recommendations around breastfeeding. I’d read so many parenting books and articles that resonated with me and I’d get so obsessive about upholding certain practices or principles and would beat myself up when I didn’t.

***

Well, I didn’t beat myself up yesterday on our walk and I’m pleased about that. My daughter eventually calmed down, fell asleep and woke up an hour later with a massive smile on her face, happy to see me.

Who knew that perfectionism could permeate through so many facets of life, including breastfeeding?