Wednesday, November 20, 2013

i love this. i love that i saw this today. i am IN LOVE. thank you jeanette leblanc.

HOWEVER ... i keep seeing things like this and thinking, this is how i live. and people don't really live like this. people don't admire people who make millions of mistakes. people don't appreciate uncertainty or even conviction. if you live your truth, you likely won't survive in the world. seeing goodness in the world doesn't pay the bills. i want it. i live it. i do it. i appreciate it. i buy one-way tickets, skip laundry, spontaneously leave the state, act on my gut, tell the truth, admit i am wrong, jump without thinking, forget about being crazy. i'm bat shit crazy. but let's stop blowing smoke up everyone's ass. people don't see this as glorious. they think it's irresponsible. unacceptable. magic doesn't exist. they view unpredictability as annoying. no one appreciates uncertainty. risk is unacceptable.

so let's stop all the amazingly liberal, beautiful writing and start living it. let's be unsafe, accepting of others mistakes, rewarding of shortcomings. let's admire people who put it all on red. who are wrong. let's not apologize. i have seen way too much of this lately. teenagers believe it's real. it is my way of life completely by accident and it's not bad, but it's not really that easy.

now. who wants to lock their kids in the bathroom and hit the bar?!? what? i am a dreamer.

i need to redesign or retire my blog.
the end of the year seems apropos to do such a thing. so it shall be done.

i finally accepted what is winter. it's about 37 degrees and i believe it's going to start dumping more snow on us by thursday. which is fine. i may have been a little dramatic but i hate being cold. i hate that it is dark at 5pm. i am counting on The Teenager to go somewhere warm for college. because after she graduates, i have got to get out of the UC. warm. year-round. that's where i'm heading with Lu.

everyone hates the cold and if they say they don't, they might be lying. i mean, you've heard of SAD? it's real. lots of people i know have it. i am watching them and just thinking, double up on your antidepressants. i started doubling up on mine when i started to lose the will to live. and i STILL have to put the hoses away and shut off the water and winterize. shhhh. move on.

the thing that truly got me over the hump and okay with the inevitable was music. as usual. i am basically still madly in love with The National's new album, which isn't really new anymore. i can't get enough. one would think i would tire of the same music i have been listening to for three years but i don't. i still love my dad's music. Born in the USA is amazing. Baba O'riley by The Who. Bon Jovi. listen to Pearl Jam still almost everyday. whatever. whatever starts the circulation to restart in your body. music and coffee. it's all we have.

apparently i don't have time for Fantasy Football or new music anymore. but those are objects that will not miss me. the only true reason i have time to write this is because my bed has become the preferred place for both my girls to sleep, and it's impossible. The Teenager has cramps and is moaning and The Babe is kicking her in the stomach while pushing me off the bed. it's too small.

i. just. can't. do. it.

oh yeah. so The National's Trouble Will Find Me is pretty mellow, but amazing. easily going in the top ten best albums ever. Graceless, Heavenfaced, Hard to Find, Demons. i wonder what the process is like to create or orchestrate things that make people's hearts beat. and then eat a sandwich. why can't i have that power? do they even eat?

so it's official. the point of this post is for you to find the music that might save your life. it could be this winter. it could be when shit is just not good. it could be when you lose someone. today or someday. if you don't have any music that will save your life, you can borrow mine. i recommend you download and listen to The National's simplicity in Heavenfaced. have it on hand should you feel the life-ending gloom creeping up on you.

Heavenfaced

I could walk out, but I won’t,In my mind I am in your arms.I wish someone would take my place,Can’t face heaven all heavenfaced.No one’s careful all the time,If you lose me, I’m gonna die.How completely high was I?I was off by a thousand miles.Hit the ceiling, then you fall,Things are tougher than we are.I could walk out, but I won’t,In my mind I am in your arms.I wish someone would take my place,Can’t face heaven all heavenfaced.Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love.She’s a griever, my believerIt’s not a fever, it’s a freezerI believe her, I`m a griever nowShe’s a griever, my believerIt’s not a fever, it’s a freezerI believe her, I`m a griever nowBecause we’ll all arrive in heaven aliveWe’ll all arriveBecause we’ll all arrive in heaven aliveWe’ll all arrive