This declaration had caused some issues in the past, but here is where I sit and reclaim it just for now…just for this moment. I have been in my relationship with Laz for 10 years. I am proud of this…very proud. I am extremely happy and ecstatic to say that and feel that time and all the memories I have with him. It is not a declaration to “pee on his leg”, to claim I am better than any other person in his life. Its about me proclaiming the love I have for him and our relationship. Its about no one else but what’s between he and I. In this, I have faith, trust, confidence and comfort in knowing we will always be us. Despite and hard times, the trials and tribulations we face…we are still always going to be us. I have faith and confidence in that. This has always caused some uneasiness with other women in his life. Its caused females to be intimidated or see me as “peeing on his leg” or saying “you will never have what I have with him”. In that, they are so very wrong. I hope and pray that he will find someone that is worthy of his love and commitment to find exactly what we have. We are poly…its not only an option but an absolute reality. Its a reality I not only approve and accept, but one I encourage. That’s where people get my declaration of us being in a loving, beautiful, joyful, passionate and strong 10 year relationship as of today wrong. Its a declaration of hope for others…not a “I licked it…its mine”.

That being said, I am giddy and twitter-patted with the idea that today…October 8th, 2014 is 10 years since Matt and I started this crazy adventure together. I have never made a big deal out of our anniversaries. I’ve always acknowledged them and done our alone time together and maybe even written a few words here and there, but this year for some reason it means the world to me to celebrate. I am excited and feeling very lovey-dovey about the whole idea of today….scratch that…of the last 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs. Our dark times and our light times. We’ve had it all, and we are stronger for it. I wouldn’t trade one day…one moment…one second. Its all who we are together. Its our love. Its our life. I have gained more in the past 10 years of my life than I have at any other time. I have grown more. Loved more. Hurt more. Felt more. Been more and offered more than I ever have. I have gained a beautiful and loving family. I have gained love not just from Laz but from his beautiful children…and honestly even his ex-wife and his mother, as well as his extended family. I couldn’t be happier with the life I have chosen and built with him over the years. All of it has been worth it.

As a poly woman and a poly couple, I wish we had a poly family to share this day with too. But right now, its just not in the cards for us, and that is okay, because I know that it will be in our future. We take today to be ourselves together and do something we both enjoy that is simple and down to earth. That is so completely us. Today we celebrate our life together and the past 10 years that have made us who we are, not just as a couple, but as individuals. Nothing is more beautiful to me today than the past 10 years of my life with Laz. I couldn’t ask for a better partner, lover, best friend, soul-mate, husband, confidant and teacher. He has found every opportunity to encourage me and challenge me over the years. He lets me be who I want to be and calls me out on my bullshit. He is perfect…for me. He is my greatest love and unfortunately for him…he’s stuck growing old with me at this point. ;-)

So, Happy Anniversary, my love. You and your children have been the best thing that has ever come into my life. Thank you for everything you have done over the past 10 years and everything you will do for years to come. Thank you for loving me, cherishing me, appreciating me, adoring me, respecting me and challenging me. I am so grateful for you and all that you bring to my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such a beautiful and strong relationship with my soul-mate. I don’t know where I would be, who I would be or what I would do without you. I would be lost without you. You have saved me and loved me more times than I could ever tell you…and you continue to every day. You never cease to amaze me. I love you, my dear. Here’s to another 10 years and another….

I know I have talked about trust before and continue to express how important it is in any kind of relationship. But I saw this article today on a friend’s Facebook page about a new app that you can download to spy on your kids and its specifically built to see what they are doing on Snapchat. Basically to keep tabs on your kids to make sure they aren’t sexting or talking to strangers. This got me thinking about all the other apps out there that spy through cell phones and such. Then I got curious. How many apps were out there to keep tabs on your partner. I knew there had to be. Ones that either spy on them or ones that allow you to see everything your partner does because, well you have trust issues. So…I checked Google Play for Android and yep…there were tons. Of course there is always the spy apps that can spy on your kids. Which by the way, I don’t really condone doing that to your kids, but you’re going to parent however you want to parent. However, you know there are those that will use those kid spy apps to spy on their significant other. Then…I ran across this…and yes…I had to screen shot this…because honestly, I was just…speechless for a bit.

So, this app apparently tracks your partner, shows you his/her texts messages and phone calls and shows complete Facebook records as well. It also reads the following in the description, “Couple Tracker – Mobile Monitor is implementing unordinary “trust system”…” and also “Deleting of SMS or Call Log doesn’t help, Couple Tracker is faster ;) (There is no way to hide activity or remove something (SMS, FB, Call, Location))”.

I can not tell you how disturbing I find this. I know that its something that couples might find normal or “I’m okay with it because I have nothing to hide.” You know, I have nothing to hide either…my partner can pick up my phone at any point to look through it and it wouldn’t stress me out. He knows all of my passwords to everything, so it really doesn’t matter. Either way, if he wanted to look at anything of mine for any reason whatsoever then I would be fine with that. Now, this isn’t to say I wouldn’t question why he suddenly doesn’t trust me. Point is, we trust each other and we give each other privacy because of that trust. We tell each other everything because we want to know and care to know…not because we HAVE to. Just because I am his partner and he is mine doesn’t mean that I have to know his every single move and every word between him and anyone else. He should have his own privacy and so should I. We are still individuals. What is the point of tracking everything your partner does? If you can’t trust your partner, you either need to fix why or you don’t need to be with them. If you are doing it because you are controlling…then you don’t need to be with anyone but yourself. No one deserves to be controlled or smothered like that, no matter if you’re monogamous or poly. If you have trust issues, then you need to figure your own issues out before pulling someone else into them that would effect them to that degree.

The entire idea of spying on your partner or tracking your partner is just…it just doesn’t make any sense to me. It leaves me completely baffled. Why are you in a relationship with anyone if you think they are cheating on you or doing something you wouldn’t be okay with? For that matter, why would you be in a relationship that allows this? Or even better, why are you in any relationship at all when you need to be tracked and controlled because you can’t keep yourself in line and not cheat on your partner(s)? And why would you WANT to be in a relationship with someone that needs to be tracked and controlled to be kept in line and not cheat? Have more respect for yourself and your partner than all this. Be grown ups…if you have to treat your partner(s) like your children…you might want to re-evaluate your relationship. Just my opinion.

There has been a lot of chatter about Robin Williams’ suicide this past week. While I mainly stick to relationships and sexuality here on this blog, I feel like the blog itself is more than that…its about life in general I think…at least from my view of the world. So I wanted to say a few things here about the aftermath of it all.

Before you scroll past this post and roll your eyes at yet ANOTHER person’s opinion on the matter or story of how they dealt with their own demons of suicide, I’d like to say I think maybe my words are going to be slightly different than what I have seen out there lately. I do find his death incredibly tragic and far too soon to leave this earth. I find it a great loss to this world and it is very sad. I did personally like Robin Williams quite a bit. He was very funny to me and I felt he was a very talented man on many levels. Of course, I don’t know the man, so I can’t speak for his character…but he did always seem warm, kind, caring and loving. Something in his eyes. I can’t say that I find his suicide selfish or something I should judge him about.

Now that I have said that much, I want to say that I feel I have a place to say these opinions about suicide because I am a survivor of the demons of suicide…yes…I said survivor. Not because I survived an attempt, but because I have, and no doubt will, struggle with the thoughts of it my whole life. I suffer from severe depression, it comes with the territory. But the way I am able to live on with the thoughts when they come and get past it is because I tell myself and know I am a survivor…not a victim.

Which is my whole point to this post. I feel like a lot of issues I see in this world when it come to the tragic in our lives is we see ourselves as victims rather than survivors. We let these tragedies and demons win our lives over. We let the demons lead us around and we don’t face them. We don’t move past them. We dwell on them. Too many of us make ourselves victims.

Those of us who deal with depression and suicide have a disease. Its certainly not something we can control. And yes, its easier said than done to put this mindset in place when you are dealing with this kind of disease. But it IS possible. There is always a way out. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always SOMEONE who cares and will help you with everything they can possibly help you with to get past the dark times. You ARE a survivor…NOT a victim.

This is a mistake far too many of us make, far too often. Ironically, Robin Williams said it best…

“Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.” – John Keating played by the great Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

It’s been a while since I have posted anything here. I really need to work on that. But I find it ironic that what I have to say today touches on my last post. I haven’t struggled with who I am in quite a long time, hell since I was a teenager. I’ve been pretty confident in who I am and what I have to offer. But in the past year or so I have lost that confidence. I have questioned myself and what I put out there so much. I know where this stems back from and it honestly does come from a lot of different places. I believe that this very thing has been the reasons why I have lost my voice here, and damnit, I want it back. This was the thing I felt so confident in. This is what I found my passion in was my voice and I lost that. I want to work on getting it back.

Parts of it have become easier and more apparent in my world and in those areas, things have gotten better. Like with Laz, I am confident in our love and our relationship. I know he is mine and I am his. Even if I share him or he shares me with someone else, we still belong to each other too. We aren’t going any where. He is ingrained into my world and a HUGE part of my life, my love, my soul and my heart. No matter what or who he loves outside of me, he and I will always be us. And sadly, this is something I did struggle with in the past year, due to my insecurities. I feel stupid for it ever being an issue, but we are all human. My insecurities are else where now in my life. Seems with everyone else in my world that I come across I tend to have a hard time trusting them and finding security in new friendships/relationships. I find myself questioning if they even like me or if I am worth getting to know. I have tried so much in the past couple of years to get to know new people and even grow my relationships I already have, only for them to blow up in my face and have people say things about me I never dreamed to be true. Things that I am just now starting to realize are a result of their own insecurities and issues. I believe now maybe I was just someone to project them onto because I was so willing to be a warm, caring and trusting friend right off the bat. Someone who saw the best in everyone and was proud of who I am and my relationship with Laz. This seems to be a common issue for women. They see the open arms of the women who is involved with someone they are interested in and they get scared. Because guess what? I am not the norm. I don’t see them as a threat or an insecurity unless they give me reason to, so yeah, I am accepting to their face right there. This hasn’t been accepted the way I wish it would. It never has. But one day, it might. So no, I don’t want to give up who I am to others when I have the best of intentions and that makes you not trust me. Ironic isn’t it?

So, this all comes to the forefront of my mind in recent weeks when the first woman I ever actually fell in love with sent me a private message on my Facebook. There is a lot of history there, that honestly I don’t want to go into here, but to put it simply, she hurt me bad. She broke my heart into pieces. In a way that I am just now realizing has probably had a big effect on not only my relationships with women since, but has had an effect on all my relationships period. I let her break me in a way I never should have. And I can’t blame anyone for that but myself. She told me I wasn’t a good person in ways I never want to think of ever again. Coming from anyone that would hurt, but her….she was the person I tried to love, save and show what she had to offer to herself and the world. I had hoped that one day she would see what I saw in her. And I prayed for that even more when she broke my heart. Ironic that this is exactly what I would need soon after all this happened. That not only did she need to find herself and see what all she could offer the world, but I needed to find my beauty within as well. This woman was the first person I ever tried to find myself with. She was the person who showed me that door before I walked through it with Laz. She showed me I could be who I wanted to be and not what everyone else wanted me to be. She showed me I could find happiness within myself first, not just in others. Funny that she lost that in herself for a while.

I do want to share what she wrote me here though, because it’s so valid for what I have to say.

“I’m not sure where you are in life, nor do I know if what I have to say will benefit you in any way. But I want you to know that I’m sorry. You were one of the sweetest people I’ve had come into my life and I betrayed your trust. I hurt you, on purpose, for someone else. And I’m sorry. But I’m not looking for forgiveness. I’m not even looking for you to understand why I did what I did, because there was no excuse for it. I just want you to know that you were always a wonderful person. You were kind and compassionate and you lead your life with an open heart and loved fully, without judgement. You touched my life in such a positive way, and I will always be thankful for that. You were worth more than I could have ever given you at that point in my life, and far more than I deserved. I hope you have never doubted your heart, and I hope your life is wonderful and full of the joy and love that you always wanted.”

When I read these words I bawled like a baby. It took my breath away, made me sad and happy all at once. It was healing. It was what I needed so much. She had no idea what these words would do or if I would read them. And when I finished reading them I realized I was never really angry with her, but heart broken. I had forgiven her a long time ago, but never got past what I had forgiven her for. I carried that doubt, that insecurity and that heartache with me for years. I not only let it effect my relationship with other people, but with myself. I lost myself in that heartbreak. And that’s not her fault, but my own.

I should have found the healing for myself long ago, but she couldn’t know how much of a wake up call this was going to be before she sent it. She couldn’t have known the good it would do me. She couldn’t have known how this would open my eyes to pain and blindness I was causing myself all this time. I fooled myself, wanting to believe I was okay rather than letting go and moving on.

I’ve been writing this post for some time now. Between not finding the time and getting over the pain of another heart break, its been difficult. I am even stronger now though, knowing that this last heart break was not about me. It was not about me being closed off. It was about a lie. The love this person had for me was never true. I was not only a means to an end but what they saw as an obligation to get what they truly wanted in the long run. While I do know that some things on my end could have been different, because let’s face it…we all make mistakes and learn from them, the relationship itself was a total lie and was doomed from the start. I find that a lot of my insecurities with Laz made me feel crazy too…but apparently these were valid insecurities, just directed wrong. And none of this was to a fault of his or my own. It was the fault of something we couldn’t control. But this outside source allowed me to feel crazy and obsessive for a time, when everything I felt in my gut was valid. This helps me know that while I know my gut has been wrong and will be wrong at times, I need to trust it. And I need to question it as well. I will never judge a person or situation on my gut. I will be careful and always open minded to the fact that it could be wrong, but I will trust it until I shouldn’t any longer.

Looking back on all of this…looking back on the pain I have endured with loves (or lies) I will always be stronger than the negative outcomes. I will always be stronger than the pain, the lies, the bad intentions and I need to trust my heart. I need to know that my heart has been and always will be intentionally good. I need to remember I am bigger and stronger than the things that have happened to me and that I have so damn much to offer, and so much to learn from too.

I heard a song the other day that reminded me of a friend from long ago. I know now that she was in my life when I needed her most. She always played a song for me when I was down and depressed…when I felt like I couldn’t go on. And even today it brings me to tears and makes me feel stronger and more alive…

“Dare You To Move”

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe a bit cheesy but its just as valid and strong today as it ever was in the darkest moments in my life years ago….

I always thought I was someone who could get along with anyone. One of those people that never meets a stranger. I think that I am still this person, to some extent. Honestly, I like this part of who I am as a person. I like that I give people the benefit of the doubt and multiple second chances (even to my detriment at times, but I have learned from those mistakes and will continue to). I like that I try not to judge people upon one encounter, no matter if that’s a first impression or after knowing them for a long while. Hell we are all human and we all screw up. We all make stupid mistakes. We all act like a bitch or douche at times depending on circumstances, sometimes out of our control (and yes that paints a wide brush of circumstances). What is in our control is how we act and who we are. And even sometimes, we don’t always show people the bright and positive sides of ourselves. Which is why I am the way that I am. I want to believe that people in general are good. I want to believe that I am the kind of person that they might like and I like them. I know this isn’t always the case, and I am fully aware that it can be perceived as naive, and yes, sometimes it does make me as such. But I have met too many people in my life that want to judge someone over one stupid mistake they made when that one stupid mistake isn’t what makes that person. And honestly, I have also been labeled and judged many of times because I am so willing to allow people to be themselves and am so open, honest and willing to believe there is good in humanity. I’ve been labeled and judged as someone who is manipulative and a back stabber because they expect my willingness to be their friend means I am trying to get close to hurt them.

Point is, I like who I am with people. I like that I am the person that will hug you as a greeting and be excited to meet you and talk to you. I try not to be over bearing about it. I try to be someone that is comfortable to be around. But lately, I have started to see a pattern. I am not seen the way my intentions are put out there. I am seen as someone who can’t be trusted, too much and intimidating. I am labeled as someone who is trying to prove something…to prove that I am better. I have been seen in the light of all the things I hate the most in people, and I honestly don’t know what to do with that right now.

I know I am different than most women. I don’t hide the real me. I don’t hold back on what I want and need and expect everyone to just know without me saying a word. I don’t wait for someone to fix a problem and not say a word about it to let them know there is one. I don’t expect what I don’t put out there. And I think this is part of where I can’t relate to most women. A lot of women take one look at me and think they can pin me down with a label or opinion and that is never, ever shifted. I hate people who think they can just “read me”. Because guess what? You can’t. Every single person I have ever known that has tried to “read me” has gotten it wrong, with the exception of Laz. And that is simply because he listened to me. Let me show him and talk to him about who I was and what I expect, want, need and mean by things. He has challenged me on all these things and I am grateful for that, but he also doesn’t make those challenges be the end all be all of how he see’s me. Everyone else I have ever known that tries to pin me down and label what I want, need or do without me actually telling them, has always gotten it wrong. I can’t understand those that think they just “know me” or “know what kind of person I am” if I am always honest with that with myself and those around me. I don’t kid myself. I face my actions and if they aren’t matching up with who or what I truly am, I will adjust or face my actions to see if I need to adjust my mindset to match the actions. My thing is, don’t think you know me better than I know myself…because guess what? You’ll always be wrong, I don’t care how well you think you know people or think you can read people. That’s just along the same lines as assuming. And that doesn’t fly with me and never will.

All of this falls into the feeling that I am not acceptable to people around me at any given time. Does that mean that there is something wrong with me? No. I seriously don’t think that. Especially when I know my intentions are good and the way they see it is totally opposite because they are reading into it when it doesn’t need to be. I don’t think there is a problem with me and who I am, because I know I act so nice and open with others because I want to believe they will with me as well until I am proven wrong. Why walk into someone’s life assuming that shit will blow up, be bad, fall apart or go bad? Call me naive if you need to and it makes you feel better. But I just don’t see myself ever getting along with anyone or even having a poly relationship if I view everyone I meet as a potential asshole or bitch. If I see everyone else as they see me then I won’t be any better than the people who judge or assume things about me. You just can’t convince me that I am the one in the wrong and if you think you can, bring it on. Because all this shit does is hold me back and cause issues because no one else can have an opened mind or heart the way they claim they can and do. I will not change unless someone can honestly show me what I do and who I am with others is wrong.

I have thinking a lot about online dating lately. Hell its the only way I can usually meet people because of work and life and….I’ll admit, I just don’t know how else to get out there lately. The way I used to just doesn’t work right now and I am not sure it really ever did for me. Anyway, I have talked to a lot of different guys recently. None have panned out really, but I am learning to not dwell on it and move on. I realize there are a lot of people out there and not all are for me or I for them.

I am rambling. Sorry. Its late and I can’t sleep and this post and thoughts came to mind.

My whole point is that I feel its a decent way to meet people, but you have to realize a few things. One being you have to be careful. This is most important. I don’t want to sound like a paranoid woman here, cause I am not. But it is true that you have to be careful. You never know who you are talking to. And you never know if they are giving you truth for you to choose the situation you are getting into. Honestly, online dating is no different than dating any where. You meet someone in a bar, are you automatically going to give out your full name, address, place of employment and other personal info? I sure hope not! I don’t let people know where I live for a while. Granted I have made stupid mistakes in the past, but I have learned from them.

I recently put myself in a situation that wasn’t ideal, and this wasn’t even from online dating. I wanted and needed control of a situation and I did control it, but it could have easily gone bad. I took comfort in the thought that many people I knew, knew this guy and we had met before a few times and I felt I was in control. In the end, I was. And I handled a possible bad situation.

Point is with someone new, I am not sure I’d take them home first meet. Hell I have talked about wanting to, for some “strange” or because I felt a great pull and connection so far with them, but I don’t know that I actually would. Its a nice idea to be able to trust someone that way, but in reality, this is not always safe or ideal. I have met some creepy ass people in online dating and all it took to get rid of them was a “I’m sorry, I am just not interested” (for courtesy) and if they don’t take that answer a block. Because they have no other way of finding me or getting ahold of me, at least not from what I have provided. Because I was safe and didn’t let them know things that could find me in a harmful situation.

Everyone, guys and girls alike, need to only ever put themselves in a situation where they are in control and have an out. This means clear communications about everything, including expectations. Meeting in a public place. Never giving out your personal information that could easily track you. The list goes on. What would make you comfortable and completely safe in a bad situation? That’s the question you need to ask yourself.

I have the safety thing on my mind mainly because of my recent encounter with a dickhead, but the online dating on my mind in general because I have been taking it all too seriously lately. In the sense that I have been taking rejection or things not panning out too personally and I now know how silly and ridiculous this sounds as I write it. But it is true. I have had a lot of flakes, fakes and just down right sucky encounters with people online lately. I seem to be finding all the douchey people lately or people who are too far away or just don’t work well with me. And I took every failure personally and let it effect my self esteem. It was silly and ridiculous. There are so many people out there. I will run into people who don’t fit more often than people who do and that is not something that should be taken personally. I have felt better since realizing how silly I have been and its actually helped my outlook on talking to people in general. I mean who knows, my online adventures may not even be right for me. It certainly isn’t for everyone.

But realizing I have to be smart, safe and open-minded in the online dating world or just in the dating world in general makes things easier to manage.

So I hope everyone takes these late night ramblings to heart and understand to some extent my point. ;-)

Things in my poly world have changed quite a bit recently. And after having a few different conversations, I realize it might be good for me to put some of this out there for a lot of reasons. I have been at the poly thing for 9 years now, and damnit if I am still not learning, growing, facing fears, jealousy, insecurities and new situations every day. Its a part of it all. And while some of it might seem frustrating as hell in those moments, in the end there is clarity. Hence what some thoughts have brought me to tonight.

Recently a long term relationship of my partner Laz has moved closer. Much closer. Like from 45 minutes away to about a mile from our house. She’s in the neighborhood. This was something I have seen as good from the beginning, but doesn’t mean I wasn’t nervous as hell about it. I’ll be honest…I was a bit scared. Laz and I haven’t dealt with this kind of relationship right in our backyard before. It was going to be a huge change. And that’s what I focused on was this huge change for he and I. Not realizing this might be scary as hell for her too. That she might be worried and scared about the same things I am. And while yes, I have considered her feelings and her situation, I don’t think I really grasped the depth of it all. How we might both be walking on egg shells. How we might both be touchy. How we might both jump to conclusions. How we both want to respect the time spent. Its an adjustment…but not just one I am dealing with. Its one that Laz is dealing with, with both her and I and one that she is dealing with, with her family and Laz…but…she’s also dealing with this with me too, and I with her.

I think and feel that we both have tremendous respect for each other and the relationships we hold with Laz. I know there is a lot of feelings at the surface right now and we are all adjusting and working through them. And taking the time to put myself in her shoes is key to a lot of this. And I think its key for each of us to do so because we are all adjusting to something here. And while we are adjusting we are very aware of each other, or at least we try to be. Maybe too much at times? I admit, I have been too touchy, and I’ll guarantee they have too. We are human. And that’s the thing we have to remember. Along with the fact that too touchy, while not necessarily helpful, does mean we care. And maybe that’s a crazy way to look at it, but that’s kinda where my clarity came tonight. I feel like no matter what our intentions are pure, honest and loving of one another. And sometimes when things aren’t quite settled, we have to keep in mind that intentions, while pure, sometimes come across fucked up, because again, we are human.

Point is, I realize that as frustrating as things might be lately, its frustrating because we care. And maybe me realizing that is what I needed to feel secure, loved, respected and equal. All in all I just need to keep these thoughts in mind. And I need to remember always that I am not being replaced….I am gaining a woman that is strong, beautiful, caring, loving, honest and that loves Laz with all her heart and soul in my life. I am gaining family. I am gaining more love in my life. And I pray she will always accept the same from me.

Intimacy has been a big factor lately in the relationships that revolve around in my poly world. The question of intimacy is a big deal in all relationships. I have realized through out the past 9 years of my life that it is the glue to not only our relationships but our humanity. Its funny how no matter what kind of person you are, we all need intimacy on some level. My poly life started with the rekindling of the soul and intimacy in someone’s life, and quite honestly my own life. That intimacy healed two souls that were lost and broken. Granted, there was a lot of foot work and healing we did on our own, but this was the beginning, the open door that showed us we were wanted, needed and desired. This need to feel these things is apart of our humanity.

Recently, I lost sight of what intimacy is in my life and how it surrounds me everyday. I lost sight of what seemed like the little things that are really huge in my world. I took them for granted and never meant to or realized I was doing it until I didn’t have it for a short time. One of my simple pleasures that I didn’t realize was such a big deal was the moments I have with my head on Laz’s chest at night. We sit in the living room and decompress from our day watching TV together and when we are both on the couch I lay my head on his chest and he cuddles me close. This is one aspect of our intimacy. It might seem simple, but this is such a huge connection between us.

I realized all of this and awoke from my blindness of it’s importance when we had a busy week with the kids in the house and neither of us took the time to do this for each other. We let life get in the way of this connection and I didn’t have it for nearly a week. The longest I have gone without it, I might add. In this time, I felt so very lonely and disconnected from him. But it was such a good thing in the end. It opened my eyes and heart to what I took for granted. And because of that, I have been so grateful for him and the time we have had since. Of course I never want to go without it again, because he and this gesture of love and intimacy are such a big part of who I am.

I see so many things in the past couple of weeks that are the true intimacy between us. And I have found that this is so important in any relationship, especially one that has lasted as long as ours. The longer you are together the more you become blind to the intimacies you have created together, we all tend to take them for granted once in a while. Recognize the things your partner gives you that you get from only them. A simple look. A touch. A word or two. A gesture. All of these things and so much more are a form of intimacy. Its so much more than sex, so much more than just physical. It’s so many things when someone is woven into your life with love and trust. Never lose sight of those little things…because in the end they are very big. Without these intimacies, we lose each other…we lose the relationship…we lose ourselves in the things that are not important in the end.

I haven’t written anything for a long time here for a lot of reasons. Life has been crazy and hectic and lots going on. But I will admit that the biggest reasons are I haven’t been inspired and I haven’t felt worthy to write anything here. My relationships have been through a lot lately. I am still very much in love and am loved in return, but everyone has their ups and downs. I will admit some of the downs have been because of me, but I can’t and won’t put the blame all on myself. We all make wrong choices and actions. Of course, there is nothing we can’t fix with communication and understanding. And that’s what we’ve been doing. We are stronger and better for it. I have faith and believe in the love we have. Granted nothing terrible has happened, we just let life take hold and lost sight of priorities. And of course frustrations and stresses in life get to everyone and sometimes that means you have no energy for anything else.

But my problem is I have lost myself a bit. Not in my relationships or because of them, life has been crazy and my depression and anxiety digs its claws in. While my depression isn’t circumstantial and never has been, that doesn’t mean someone with it can’t get worse due to circumstances. So I am taking action and trying to find the happy me again. The confident me that everyone loves and knows so well. Instead of adjusting medication I am starting to see a lifestyle friendly therapist. I have faith that this will help me get back on track and be happy with myself again, so that I feel that I can let my loves in again to be happy with me. And of course to be happy with myself again and rebuild who I know I really am makes a huge difference.

There has been too much negative thoughts and feelings for me lately and its causing a lot of insecurity in the places in my life I should be the most secure. And I have to admit its really hard for me to admit this, especially here. I have been so good for so long and been so confident in who I am and who is in my life that its really hard to think I am back tracking, or at least it feels like it for now.

I can guess where some of this is all coming from, hell I have been through a hell of a lot in the past 6 months much less the last couple of years. So I am human, what can I say? I just have to find myself in all the stress and frustration again. And I know I will, just need some patience and understanding.

Anyway, I share this here only because I wanted all of you to know I was still around and hope to be writing more soon. Also, I wanted everyone to be reminded we are all human and aren’t perfect. We all have struggles, its how you handle them and move forward with them that matters most.

I have noticed for a long time that there is a lot of monogamous thinking in the polyamorous world. I didn’t really think too much about it till the other day when the subject of a friend having two primaries was being questioned by a long term poly person. This bothered me a great deal. While I have always said that polyamory is what each relationship or individual makes it, it still disturbs me that a long term active poly person would not only question someone’s structure in relationships but the way they love in a negative manner.

If having multiple emotionally, deep relationships is acceptable then why is it unheard of that one person or many people see two or even three of their partners as equal? Of course there will always be different priorities, wants and needs with each relationship, but for one person to have two (or more) people that they see as primary and equal, what is wrong with that?

For that matter, why do we even have to label any relationship as primary or secondary? I hate those terms. But I know sometimes those labels have to be used in the outside world to understand a situation. People tend to see priorities as a way to label their relationships, and while I agree to some extent how that could be the case, I also think that makes no difference, it simply depends on the circumstances. For example I see Laz and Lady as equals. They are very different relationships and very different priorities, but I love both very much and can’t see myself without either of them. They are woven into my everyday life and emotions. They mean the world to me, one no more than the other. So I see these two as my primaries, if you want to put a label on it.

Do I think this concept is what works for everyone? No. Just as monogamy or polyamory isn’t for everyone. My point is that if some can recognize that people are capable of living more than one person at a time openly and honestly, then why do we have such closed minds to the idea of loving our partners equally as primaries?

As I said before, the priorities are different so sometimes one might come before the other, depending on the circumstance. But this does not mean that I love that one more than the next. If we have the capacity to love more than one person at a time openly and honestly, why can’t that love be equal and a priority with as many people as our hearts accept into our lives?