Well Dom set a time-out for the ultimatum and went to get his guns, and sort-of implied what he wanted to do, before Yuki stole his armament (you won't mind if i shoot him in the... )

Should have written maybe:

Dom tries to threaten Piro to choose a side in a story (or just : a story?) he wants to continue, and while Dom waits outside for the ultimatum to expire, Miho and Piro leave the store through scenario safety gaps.

Some of Dom's actions after telling Piro he has to choose are a matter of interpretation. Dom going out to deal with the NPC intervention seemed more like shooting at them to scare them then going outside to keep them away etc. It's not Ed after all. (Or perhaps whatever free pass the 'game company enforcers' have, it doesn't extend to gunning down fans.) Then while Dom is outside and meets Yuki, he messes with her by asking her a somewhat threatening rhetorical question. To frighten or immobilize her, not knowing she's an MG. On another level, if Dom doesn't care what Piro chooses, shooting him for not choosing seems like it wouldn't accomplish anything. On yet another level, threatening and scheming is mostly what he does; he doesn't shoot at Miho he waves his gun at her, etc. And last, we wouldn't expect it to ever get to that point (you haven't chosen, you must be shot!) especially given the continued lack of any success at anything important by any of the three of them. Their record at even impacting anything Miho is involved in seems poor (we don't know how much if any they've moved the intended plot around, but however much, it gets adapted to). The only time they've apparently defeated her is when she let them (but she returned so it's not much of a victory even still). The point being, it doesn't seem whatever Dom actually planned matters, because it was likely to not happen. Perhaps destined to never happen.

As far as explaining the situation, there's a lot of ambiguity in which story/stories Dom meant, and also ambiguity in which one(s) are actually going on, or what Dom was attempting and why. It seems the comic-matching way to put it is he gives him an ultimatum, or an ultimatum to make a choice, or a demand there must be a choosing of one of the two. Not no action and remaining at the status quo. Then as Yuki and Yutaka get by Dom and he follows them into the store, Miho and Piro get away into the gaps during a distraction. (As in also, distraction is like ultimatum, it doesn't really matter their details for the purpose of summarizing the general flow of the story.) The distraction doesn't stop Y&Y but leaves Dom at the store, out of play.

Which the distraction is another matter of contention; the mask bouncing down the stairs appears to cause Yuki to panic, and we might guess Yutaka is in her way but is more likely she's 'trying to get him to safety'. Either way she paves a path through the first floor of the store, knocking down many things . EDIT: (slamming Yutaka into the front of the store) It's probably unlikely he was actually slammed into the storefront, probably more like he was knocked over or aside or down in the process :TIDE . and knocking the front of the store down. In this, Dom becomes crushed under a display shelf, under Yutaka. Yuki grabs Yutaka and they follow Miho and Piro, who have already entered the gaps by now, but Y&Y are cheating (or Miho leaves them breadcrumbs or the gaps aren't as much cover when you know they're there as Yuki does) and Y&Y are able to follow them to or find them at the bathhouse. As far as the mask as or leading to the distraction, did Miho put it on Piro before they went upstairs where it probably wasn't needed, expecting or knowing Piro would remove it going up the stairs, and that it would bounce down and create a distraction? Who knows, but Miho certainly seems aware of what happens, almost like she's expecting the mask would get Yuki panicking or otherwise create a big distraction. So do we credit/blame Miho with what Yuki does when she sees the mask? Or is it just an accident because of what Piro not on purpose did? The easy way is that there's a distraction, a bit tougher is that Yuki reacts violently to the head of a monster and destroys a lot of the first floor of the store, taking Dom out and giving Miho and Piro time to gap out of the place on the second floor.

That 'there's a distraction' versus {a few sentences or paragraphs} is a lot easier, true, and requires no figuring anything out or trying to explain what a reader might get out of seeing, reading, and thinking about those comics covering it in context. Same thing with 'Dom's ultimatum' instead of ' directive to Piro to choose something lest he get the game's bad ending'.

How much detail is needed to get the basic events summarized varies. But once it becomes any more descriptive than 'an ultimatum' or 'a distraction', it's a lot more difficult to keep it short and still be correct about the nature of the event. Because there's so much that's perceptional, it's difficult to extract anything more than "X happened" or "Y does this" without going into 'maybe this maybe that''or giving an opinion of why something happened or why somebody did something.

Last edited by iffy on Thu Feb 01, 2018 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Newest version always appears as first post in thread. Previous revisions are reposted as replies.

v4 : some more condensation, rearrangement, rewording of the occurences at the flat near the end, thanks to iffy!
(also marked now more clearly where the actual writeup begins... looks like if I removed all the extra lines, it would actually condense to less than 1 computer screen of text... but don't want to do a 'wall of text' of it; might actually think of adding the portion where Erika calls Piro in the morning.)

3+ : lost a word 'arrive' when Yutaka and Yuki arrived at MG. Also added thread organisation disclaimer.

v2 : shortened . previous versions will be reposted as replies when new version is finished.

Chapter 11 : Remanence

Piro spends the night in detention, and is released on bail. Back in the flat, he discovers Miho sleeping on a couch.

Miho accues him of sharing their story and chat logs with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies any involvement in Yuki's or Kimiko's actions, informs her of photo and video postings, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho. Miho finds out that it was Ping, who made the videos and photos. Miho wants to leave the flat, but Piro tells her to rest for a while, as he is to open up the store in the morning.

Kimiko calls and recaps her version of events at the CoE, while Miho comes to realize, what the Horde are trying to do.

After last nights' events, Junko, starts having second thoughts about her suggestion, that Ping should post the footage of Miho online.

Yutaka calls Yuki's home phone. Masamichi tries to scare Yutaka away. Meimi finds Yuki sulking in her bedroom, and tries to comfort her.
Yuki tells Yutaka, that her idea to reunite Piro and Miho is impossible; Yutaka tells Yuki, about Miho's appearance at the flat.

Miho descends from the flat, communicates that she needs to leave and wants to take Piro with her. Hearing Dom's guns and sensing Yuki's arrival, Miho abandons the exit path through the front door, and drags Piro upstairs instead, then outside through 'safety gaps' to a bath house.

Yuki and Yutaka arrive at the store entrance. Yuki steals all the Dom's weaponry. Yuki chases after Piro and Miho, but is spooked off by a head mask, that Piro took off his head while running upstairs; Fleeing at high speed, Yuki destroys the store, injures Yutaka and brings the store front down on Dom.

In the bath house, Miho attempts to explain to Piro, what the problem with her and her story really is.
Yutaka and Yuki enter the bath house. Yutaka's injuries from being towed by Yuki, and from the store destruction, start to take their toll on him.
As Miho and Piro prepare to leave the bath house, Miho discovers injured Yutaka. Miho prevents Yuki from towing him away again.

Miho calls for help of Komugiko, who meets Piro for the first time, and reveals a significant part of Piro's and Miho's Endgames story to Miho. When Komugiko is distracted by the presence of Yuki and Yutaka, Miho drags Piro away to school. Komugiko drives Yutaka to hospital, and Yuki to school.

Komugiko encounters Largo in her class, who has been drafted in as a substitute. In the resulting commotion, Miho and Piro try to join the class just as more of the Horde starts to emerge. Miho and Piro are interrupted by Erika while passing notes between each other.

Piro attempts to escape through the window. Miho attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro, but the Horde drags her back, causing her to loose her embrace. While the Horde starts to demolish the school, Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the classroom.

Piro emerges from a pile of debris, while Yuki, changed into Miho's school clothes, attempts to play out an 'I hate you' scenario, resulting in the Horde losing interest in Piro. Piro punches Largo in the face for calling his fantasy 'demented'.

Yuki and Yutaka disperse the Horde with her power of speed, and him laying misinformation.

The injured pupils, Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko all arrive at the hospital.

Kimiko arrives at Megagamers and learns of the store devastation and Piro's disappearance, discovers Miho in the flat.
Miho explains to Kimiko, how her life relates to the story of Kotone, and what happened to Piro. Kimiko tries to calm Miho down, but when Piro unexpectedly comes back to the flat, Miho's heart fails. As Piro begins CPR, he directs a stunned Kimiko to call for an ambulance.

Yuki and Yutaka notice Ping has gone offline, and believe the chase is now over. Yuki thanks him for his help.

Just posted v5.5 as top-post. This is a copy of what v5 was like.
v5 : add somewheres, remove somewheres, end up shorter. Originally intended to only do up one paragraph, ended up revamping lots more.

v4 : some more condensation, rearrangement, rewording of the occurences at the flat near the end, thanks to iffy!
(also marked now more clearly where the actual writeup begins... looks like if I removed all the extra lines, it would actually condense to less than 1 computer screen of text... but don't want to do a 'wall of text' of it; might actually think of adding the portion where Erika calls Piro in the morning.)

3+ : lost a word 'arrive' when Yutaka and Yuki arrived at MG. Also added thread organisation disclaimer.

v2 : shortened . previous versions will be reposted as replies when new version is finished.

Chapter 11 : Remanence

After being apprehended at the Analog Support Facility, Piro spends the night in detention. Coming back to the flat, he discovers Miho sleeping on a couch.

Miho accues him of sharing their story with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies any involvement in Yuki's or Kimiko's actions, and informs her of photo and video postings, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho. Miho finds out that Ping posted the footage. Miho wants to leave the flat, but Piro tells her to stay and rest.

Kimiko calls and recaps her version of events at the CoE. Miho realizes, what the Horde are trying to do with the footage.
Largo calls Piro from a train to Sendai he ended on last night with Erika.

After last nights' events, Junko, starts having second thoughts about her suggestion, that Ping should post the footage of Miho online.

Yuki tells Yutaka, that her idea to reunite Piro and Miho is impossible; Yutaka tells Yuki, about Miho's appearance at the flat.

Seeing Dom threatening Piro in the store, to force him to choose a side in the story, Miho decides to take Piro with her. Hearing Dom's guns and sensing Yuki's arrival, Miho drags Piro upstairs, then outside through 'safety gaps' to a bath house.

Yuki and Yutaka arrive at the store entrance. Yuki chases after Piro and Miho, but is spooked off and fleeing at high speed, destroys the store, injures Yutaka and brings the store front down on Dom.

In the bath house, Miho attempts to explain what the problem with her and her story really is.
As Miho and Piro prepare to leave the bath house, Miho discovers injured Yutaka and prevents Yuki from towing him away again.

Miho calls Komugiko for help. Komugiko reveals a significant part the Endgames story to Miho. Miho drags Piro away to school. Komugiko drives Yutaka to hospital, and Yuki to school.

Komugiko encounters Largo, who came back from Sendai, in her class. In the resulting commotion, Miho and Piro try to join the class. Miho and Piro passing notes are interrupted by Erika.

Piro attempts to escape through the window. Miho attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro, but the Horde drags her back. While the Horde starts to destroy the school, Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the pupils.

Piro emerges from a pile of debris. Yuki, dressed as Miho, sucessfully diverts Horde's attention away from Piro. Piro punches Largo in the face for calling his fantasy 'demented'.

Yuki and Yutaka disperse the Horde with her power of speed, and him laying misinformation.
Ping sees Yuki/Miho speed away, and tries to follow, with Junko trying to stop her. Junko severs Ping's Internet connection.

The injured pupils, Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko all arrive at the hospital.

Kimiko arrives at Megagamers and learns of the store devastation and Piro's disappearance, discovers Miho in the flat.
Miho explains to Kimiko, how her life relates to the story of Kotone, and what she thinks has happened to Piro. Kimiko tries to calm Miho down, but when Piro unexpectedly comes back to the flat, Miho's heart fails. As Piro begins CPR, he directs a stunned Kimiko to call for an ambulance.

Interesting to see the story summarised thus - it inevitably gives a viewpoint on the story which may not accord with the reader's. Nice work, and more accessible than my attempt to render chapter 1 as an epic poem.

Proofreading: you don't need a comma after everyone's name. You do need a comma when, in an attempt to cut down on your sentences, you add a separate (removable) clause. You might be better off using more sentences - they're free.

Yea, verily: Who is that, running on the steppes! It is Sax, clutching buzzsaw hand extensions! He howls homicidally:
"I'm seriously going to pound you into the fast lane!!!"
Oh, yeah, I wrotePingsome backstory once.

Interesting to see the story summarised thus - it inevitably gives a viewpoint on the story which may not accord with the reader's. Nice work, and more accessible than my attempt to render chapter 1 as an epic poem.

I have one thing to say about your poem Was a bit TL;DR for now, but will give it a read this evening.

Proofreading: you don't need a comma after everyone's name. You do need a comma when, in an attempt to cut down on your sentences, you add a separate (removable) clause. You might be better off using more sentences - they're free.

Uh, ok... I'd appreciate an example English is not my first language. Will credit you in top notes

EDIT: yeah right, definitively too many commas made v5.5+. But if you care to proofread more, any feedback is welcome

In most cases, commas were meant to separate a list of names like here :

The injured pupils, Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko all arrive at the hospital.

This would be slightly off without commas, I thought...

If you list the group first you risk sounding as though the names are part of the group. For a list like that it generally reads better if you list the names first and the general groups afterwards:
"Largo, Erika, Junpei, Kumugiko and the injured pupils all arrive at the hospital."

An alternative is to link the two lists using "with":
"The injured pupils, with Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko, all arrive at the hospital."

Using "with" as a conjunction makes the list of names a sub-clause so it needs to be surrounded by commas (or brackets () ) and you could read the sentence just as well without that sub-clause in it.:

"The injured pupils all arrive at the hospital."
"Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko all arrive at the hospital" [I would add "too" or "at the same time" if I were going to use two sentences there.]

tl;dr? Hopefully not.

Yea, verily: Who is that, running on the steppes! It is Sax, clutching buzzsaw hand extensions! He howls homicidally:
"I'm seriously going to pound you into the fast lane!!!"
Oh, yeah, I wrotePingsome backstory once.

Thanks! It helps if you already know the story though, so it probably needs to be a bit more descriptive and twice as long

Yea, verily: Who is that, running on the steppes! It is Sax, clutching buzzsaw hand extensions! He howls homicidally:
"I'm seriously going to pound you into the fast lane!!!"
Oh, yeah, I wrotePingsome backstory once.

If you list the group first you risk sounding as though the names are part of the group. For a list like that it generally reads better if you list the names first and the general groups afterwards:
"Largo, Erika, Junpei, Kumugiko and the injured pupils all arrive at the hospital."

tl;dr? Hopefully not.

Wow thanks. This was what I was sort of aiming for too. Simple improvement like this. Will incorporate in place (as no new revision has materialised yet). Thanks!

Newest version always appears as first post in thread. Previous revisions are reposted as replies.

v5.51: some more hints from @mistersaxon, thanks! And fixed what Miho tried to do at the shop (walk away) (inline edit, no need for new version) (also zapped a stray comma)
v5.5+ / not warranted new version - proofreading the commas, thanks to @mistersaxon
v5.5 : some slight editing, zapping some more TMI.

v5 : add somewheres, remove somewheres, end up shorter. Originally intended to only do up one paragraph, ended up revamping lots more.

v4 : some more condensation, rearrangement, rewording of the occurences at the flat near the end, thanks to iffy!
(also marked now more clearly where the actual writeup begins... looks like if I removed all the extra lines, it would actually condense to less than 1 computer screen of text... but don't want to do a 'wall of text' of it; might actually think of adding the portion where Erika calls Piro in the morning.)

3+ : lost a word 'arrive' when Yutaka and Yuki arrived at MG. Also added thread organisation disclaimer.

v2 : shortened . previous versions will be reposted as replies when new version is finished.

Chapter 11 : Remanence

After being apprehended at the Analog Support Facility, Piro spends the night in detention. Coming back to the flat, he discovers Miho sleeping there.

Miho accuses him of sharing their story with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies, and informs her of footage postings, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho trying to find her. Miho finds out that Ping posted the footage. Miho wants to leave, but Piro tells her to stay and rest.

While Piro and Miho talk, Kimiko calls and recaps her version of events at the CoE, then Largo calls Piro from a train to Sendai he ended on last night with Erika.

Yuki reunites with Yutaka after having left the CoE in a hurry last night, and sulking in her bedroom overnight, and Meimi trying to comfort her.
Yuki tells Yutaka, that her idea to reunite Piro and Miho is impossible; Yutaka tells Yuki about Miho's appearance at the flat.

Seeing Dom threatening Piro in the store to force him to choose a side, Miho decides to 'walk away' with Piro. Hearing Dom's guns and sensing Yuki's arrival Miho drags Piro upstairs, then slips outside through 'safety gaps' to a bath house.

Yuki chases after Piro and Miho but is spooked by a cosplay mask, and fleeing at high speed, destroys the store shelves, injures Yutaka and brings the store front and shelves down on Dom.

In the bath house Miho attempts to explain, what the problem with her 'situation' really is.
As Miho and Piro prepare to leave the bath house, Miho discovers injured Yutaka and prevents Yuki from towing him away again.

Miho calls Komugiko for help. Komugiko reveals a significant part the Endgames story to Miho. Miho drags Piro away to school. Komugiko drives Yutaka to hospital and Yuki to school.

Komugiko encounters Largo, who came back from Sendai, in her class. In the resulting commotion Miho joins the class. Miho tries to drive Piro away, but he refuses to let go and joins the class too; Miho and Piro passing notes are interrupted by Erika, which points Miho out to the Horde, suddenly arriving in big numbers.

Piro attempts to escape with Miho through the window. Miho then attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro but the Horde drags her back. While the Horde destroys the school, Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the pupils.

Yuki and Yutaka disperse the Horde with her power of speed, and him laying disinformation.
Ping sees Yuki/Miho speed away, and tries to follow, only stopping after Junko severs her Internet connection.

The injured pupils, Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko all arrive at the hospital.

Kimiko learns of the Megagamers morning devastation and Piro's disappearance and discovers Miho in the flat.
Miho explains her story to Kimiko and what she thinks has happened to Piro. Kimiko tries to calm Miho down, but when Piro unexpectedly comes back to the flat Miho's heart fails. As Piro begins CPR, he directs Kimiko to call for an ambulance.