Let's talk out loud about senior sex, celebrating the joys and addressing the challenges. This blog offers senior sex news, views and reviews of sex toys, books, and films that interest sex-positive Boomers and elders. Joan Price is the author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life; the award-winning Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex; and the spicy memoir, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After 60.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I am a 73 year old male. For the past few years I have been using Viagra. I must confess that most of the time it didn't do the trick. But an old friend of mine reminded me that I had ten fingers and a tongue.

I found to my surprise that my lady didn't need intercourse and was more than happy to settle for hugging and oral touching and caressing. Once over the shock I discovered I began to enjoy the touching and caressing even more, My advice to others is get over the idea that intercourse is the end all. Enjoy your close relationship with your spouse that touching and hugging can give.

This is a subject that comes up over and over. Many men think that intercourse is the goal of sex, and that if they have erectile difficulties, they might as well give it up. Not true! Sex is two minds, two bodies, and two hearts making love -- not just two sets of genitals! There are many ways to please a partner without intercourse, and this reader is right on track with "ten fingers and a tongue"!

6 comments:

First of all this is a cool guy. I think it’s great that he’s discovered that erections and intercourse are not all there is to sex. To be a man and be okay with that takes a lot of emotional maturity and self confidence. So hurray for him for setting an example for other men to follow.

I would definitely agree that intercourse is only part of what constitutes sex, and not necessarily always the best part.

Now I want to address a topic which is a bit off the main subject of this post. I find myself irritated once again at the prejudice of this blog in favor of couples. Versions of this statement, “Sex is two minds, two bodies, and two hearts making love . . . .” have been repeated and implied over and over in the articles here. While this may be true for many or even most people, the message comes across loud and clear: Sex is for couples only.

I have just searched the archives and don’t find one single post on this website dealing specifically with sex for one and how this can be a way of expressing love for yourself. It is mentioned briefly by guest blogger Violet Blue in her article “Unsafe Sex Toys and Practices.” Two other articles by Joan talk about introducing older women to sex shops, and the use of vibrators. These would have been great opportunities to talk about self pleasuring, but no reference is made to this at all. A guest post entitled “We Don’t Need Vibrators We Need Lovers” goes further in expressing a negative attitude about self pleasuring which goes right along with our culture’s view that sex for one and making love to yourself is less than ideal, a (temporary) substitute for “the real thing.” Joan’s comments were these:

“I need to clarify something -- much as I love and recommend sex toys for enhancing arousal . . . I have never called a vibrator a "perfect lover"! I don't call it a lover at all. I would never trade the intimacy of a lover's touch for any amount of electric buzzing!

. . . Do we need ardent, sensitive lovers more than sex toys? Oh yes. Do we all have ardent, sensitive lovers? From what my readers tell me, unfortunately, no.

When I read comments and e-mails from both women and men who wish for a loving partner, I wish I could hold a mixer of my single readers!”

This expresses yet another narrow definition of what constitutes sex and states clearly the author’s idea that sex is for couples only, and that people who aren’t in a relationship must necessarily be unhappy about that.

Furthermore I don’t think human sexual relationships are so simple that if we could just all get together through mixers and online dating these fabulous relationships would happen for everyone. Anyone who always has someone around to love in this way is rare, and it stings to be told that those of us for whom this doesn’t happen easily are “unfortunate.”

This website has a lot to say about how we need to expand our definition of what constitutes sex, that sex is more than intercourse, that oral sex and things like cuddling are also forms of sex. The articles frequently emphasize that sex is not just for the young. Good so far. But then it is either directly stated or implied, time after time, that sex is for couples only. This may be more a reflection of the author’s personal preferences and experiences than an intentional slight toward people who don’t have or necessarily even want partners, but it is nonetheless is a contradiction. I don’t think you can have it both ways.

Speaking as someone who has spent many years of her life single and being both unhappy and happy about that at various times, I can tell you that this presumption, this prejudice, that self pleasuring is not real sex can be very hurtful. You go around thinking you’re the only freak in the world who doesn’t have a lover, that you’re settling for second best when you bring yourself to orgasm even in the most self nurturing and sensual way, that there must be something really seriously wrong with you, that you’re not attractive, that you “can’t” get a lover. (Substitute partner, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, depending on your values, gender, and sexual orientation.)

Sex is not just for couples only!!! Self pleasuring is a perfectly fine and valid way to have sex. Look at it as just pure pleasure or more seriously as making love to yourself, it’s your choice. Group sex is yet another option, though that’s not usually my thing.

Maybe it’s nice to have someone there to make love to, maybe that’s most people’s preference, but that’s not the only way.

These days I am happily married, and I still self pleasure. I’ve had lots of practice at this and just don’t want to give it up! It’s fun, and I have my most intense orgasms that way. I also enjoy the connection I have with my husband. I like this variety. I don’t value one way over the other, both are good.

There are lots of reasons why someone might not be in a sexual relationship, and I could go on for pages and pages about that. Why should these folks be made to feel like they don’t or can’t have a sex life? They can and do have a sex life if they know how to self pleasure and practice that.

We’re getting over our homophobia, our age-o-phobia, and many other sexual prejudices. While we’re at it, it’s really high time that our culture loses the stigma about sex for one. Lots of people who otherwise are led to feel deprived, left out, and generally not so cool, would benefit. It is disappointing that this website, which pushes so many other boundaries, doesn’t contribute to that.

It would be valuable and very helpful if there were an occasional article on this blog expounding on the wonders of human sexual anatomy and instructing readers in ways to pleasure themselves. Framing this as another kind of sex, plain and simple that’s just as good as any other kind of sex. Talking about all the great experiences a person can have making love to themselves. I don’t think this would prevent most people from being in relationships when appropriate, desirable, and possible.

You are absolutely right, Gratitude, and I was shocked (at myself!) at the lack of self-pleasuring information on this blog. If you've read Better Than I Ever Expected, you know there's a whole lot on being single and sensual -- a whole chapter on "Staying Sexy without a Partner," another on sex toys, another on being single, with lots of solo sex information throughout. So it's not that my work is primarily couple-oriented.

But you're right, my posts have seemed slanted in that direction, and I need to balance it. Thanks for throwing some cold water my way!

This guy is so right on! I just wish more men would figure this out before age 73!

Another thing to be mentioned... there's nothing wrong or shameful about using a dildo for penetration, and there's nothing wrong with a man strapping it on! Not all women like cunnilingus... some do prefer penetration... and fingers feel good, but they're a different sensation from a dildo. I like having both in my repertoire.

And they're not just for men who are having plumbing problems. Sometimes you want something bigger in you, sometimes you want something smaller in you, sometimes you want something that curves just right. Dildos give you those options and that versatility. (Just remember the lube!)

Yeah, he is a cool guy to allow himself this flexibility, and his wife this pleasure.However this is something I've known for 35 years or so, and I'm "only" 56.

Erections are already unreliable at my age, nd I've got "scripts for all 3 ED meds for whenever I begin to need them.

The real issue at every age is can you be open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner regarding sex.If both (or more) people can do this, and respond sensitively to each other; most couples can have wonderful sex.

And I guess the same goes for how one treats onself when it comes to solo sex.

Rick, I appreciate your comment here and on other posts. Welcome to this blog, and please feel free to keep commenting on whatever interests you. If you're interested in filling out an interview questionnaire for my next book, please see http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/2007/06/seeking-interviews-for-joan-prices-new.html (copy and paste if the URL does not hyperlink, or click "Joan's new book" in the category list to the right).

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Join me in talking out loud about senior sex! I am an advocate for ageless sexuality and the author of The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty. I edited Ageless Erotica.
This blog offers news, views, and reviews related to sex and aging. I hope that by bringing the topics that concern us out in the open and sharing our attitudes and experiences, we'll start to change society -- one mind at a time!
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