Family Matters: Is your child bossy  or a bully?

Thursday

May 24, 2012 at 12:01 AMMay 24, 2012 at 7:04 AM

I am now concerned that her leadership skills have evolved into bossy, demanding behavior, with the potential of bullying when she doesn’t get her way. How can I help her to stop being bossy, while continuing to nurture her spirit?

Diana Boggia

Dear Diana, My 4-year-old daughter has always been a take-charge little girl. From the time she could walk and talk, she sang, danced and put on little shows for us. When she plays with other children, even with those who are a few years older, she tells them what to do — whether they play with blocks or dolls, or in the backyard sandbox. We have always enjoyed, nurtured and encouraged her strong spirit, as she shows confidence and leadership skills. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some of her behavior may not be appreciated by others. While visiting friends, she begged our host to run relays with her, setting the rules with statements such as, “This time we will skip,” or “Now, we will hop to the finish line.” When he declined her requests to skip or hop, she became angry, crossed her arms and said she didn’t like him because he was mean. I am told that my daughter has many friends in her nursery school; however her teacher recently indicated a growing concern with her bossy behavior. I am now concerned that her leadership skills have evolved into bossy, demanding behavior, with the potential of bullying when she doesn’t get her way. How can I help her to stop being bossy, while continuing to nurture her spirit?

Dear Mom, A strong spirit with leadership skills are wonderful assets for a growing child. Leadership qualities, with the underpinnings of a strong value system can protect a child from following others with poor judgment, or worse yet, those with risky or downright dangerous behavior. I believe your daughter will always be a strong leader, as you have nurtured those qualities for the past four years. However, it does sound as if her “need to lead” should be harnessed, so that she doesn’t evolve with a bossy reputation and lose friends. When bossy behavior crosses the line, it can easily be interpreted as insensitive or disrespectful, so your interest in helping her now will serve her well throughout her life.

Set your daughter up for success before she plays with friends. Let her know that she will have an opportunity to make choices, and so will her friends. Monitor their play closely, gently reminding her when it is someone’s turn to choose or be the leader. It may be helpful to remove her from her friends, and talk her through the learning process of allowing others to lead. Play “Follow the Leader,” and encourage her friends to do the leading. Remind her of your expectations when you are about to visit friends who may not want to play with her. Bring along a busy bag, filled with entertaining items for her to explore, avoiding unnecessary angry outbursts. Always praise her when she accepts the direction of others.

With your help, she can remain self-confident, while learning to accept those who choose not to follow her lead.