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Month: August 2013

For all those times you get down on yourself (like the 346593726547836454 times that I do..-is that even a real number?!?!) For all the times that you feel low and that you can’t do it. These are two of my favorite songs:

I may not know what it is to live a normal life, but I’m sure as heck going to learn – that’s what’s up with this whole restructuring thing. Yes, the Lord encourages you to go on in Him, but sometimes, you just need a little motivation. I’m not going to be a big shot. But I’m going to feel good about getting my life in some kind of order.

My dad brought me lunch from Chick-fil-a during his lunch break at work, and then came home after work right after that so that he could go fix my car.

I walked to and from Wal-mart (a 15-20 minutes walk each way) in the sunny, partially humid heat, to purchase a black t-shirt to go under a dress that I intend to wear for a wedding tomorrow (Saturday afternoon). Instead I bought two. They were both comfy…I couldn’t resist! And, also, a hair product and a face foundation product (because, that’s the only make-up i wear anyway) – I was running out, okay? 😛 And of course, we can’t forget my purchase of a certain fountain drink before making the trek back home. Easy peasy – why didn’t I think of doing this before?

Not only that, but, a friend’s dad and my dad went to go get my car, turns out it was a problem with the spark plugs, lo and behold, some of those were corroded and hard to come off! But they got new ones, and now my car is running smoothly as ever!

Now, I have my car back, and then I went to Target, to purchase a card for said wedding aforementioned above, and nail polish, for my toes and finger nails. 😀 Wee! So I did my nails all by myself. Not so bad. Just don’t look at my hands too closely.

And before I did my nails, I ended up organizing my closet, lighter colors on the left, and darker colors to the right (I don’t remember the exact training way, but alas, it’s still engrained in me) In any case….This girl’s day was pretty productive, and it hasn’t been THIS productive in a very long time. So kudos, to me!

By the way, you all should check out this blog: http://1000awesomethings.com/Because I saw a journal that I want from Target that talks about writing these awesome things. It’s about a guy who appreciates the little things in his life that we tend to take for granted. There’s a book too! I want to read it. And there you have it. A plug. 😀

Why, hello there! I just wanted to let you know that I survived today! Well, what was there to survive you ask?! Well…lots of things. But most importantly, it was the car incident of all things. Would you like to hear about it? Why am I asking? If you keep reading, of course you do! Bwahahaha! Um…

My day! Ah, yes…okay! So it started out with a little of this –>: and a little of that–>: mostly because i decided that I needed to take a photo of this orange shirt that my aunt sent with my dad to give me when we visited New York for a few hours a couple of weeks ago. To say thanks, and you know, because it’s from Old Navy and stuffs.

Anyway, Then I braved through this awesome storm, you know, the kind that you want to stay indoors for, (and why didn’t I get a picture of this? Oh! Because I was driving through most of it…haha!) Well, I drove to fill my car with gas, and I braved it. [Did i mention the older guy who opened the door of the gas station for me? Because you know, that actually happened, and I said thank-you, and I appreciated it since I was walking in the rain with my umbrella avoiding getting the bottom of my pants wet -since, it usually happens when such a storm hits!, and I purchased a coke, {why?!} and paid in cash to put gas in my car!] I used to be afraid of getting wet for some reason when it came to storms and the like a few years back, but after my fiasco on such and such day the last time I had to work through a day in the stormy rain (Refer back to the “Getting lost in the rain” part), I figured, what’s another storm, what’s driving in it gonna do to me? Ah, whatever, it’ll be a piece of cake! Maybe I spoke too sooooooon…..? Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know.

So, after I filled my car up with gas, I still drove through the rain, through a many of puddles on the roads, or maybe they were like mini floods, or so to pick up a friend to take her to an appointment located an hour away (ATHENS, yo!), which…then my car kept being weird, like the battery light, and the brake light would go off at the same time, probably because the car kept going through these massive puddles, and then it would be hard to steer the car when I needed it to turn… (that’s just the story of my life right? We get a new car so that we WOULDn’t have to call daddy to come and fix it up and stuffs, but he ended up doing that anyway, more on that in a minute)… So I picked her up, we went to eat at a fast-food place, that we love oh so much, and then we headed our way to Athens, in less rain, THANK YOU LORD!, and that was good. Then I visited a family for a bit [Which was great!], then went back to pick up said friend, and lo and behold the car dies, doesn’t start and it isn’t the battery. Oh blah. Of course this happens. But at least by this point it wasn’t raining! So we asked some serving brothers nearby to come rescue us, and they tried, and I’m so grateful for the church life (the Lord still cares for us in the Body!) and they really did try but couldn’t get the car to start, so we had to leave it in a parking lot. Of course my dad came, to see if he could do anything, but really, nothing could be done, so it’s still out there, sitting alone, (still remains nameless!) and….well, here we are. Or here I am, writing this blog post, when I’m tired, and wiped and should be sleeping!

OH! But the best part was visiting more saints that we hadn’t seen yet! So my friend and I had dinner with one of the sisters who has four darling, and tall children and whose baby I got to hold, and feed, but here’s the cutie patootie in my lap: and I walked down the street to visit the sister’s house where I used to live in during part of my college years along with another sister who is staying there! And then dad came it after looking at the car and sat with us and this darling baby’s parents to chit chat for a bit, before taking me and said friend home. So, it was quite the adventure, yet again, because life is full of adventures and opportunities to let the Lord work, and care for you, shepherd you, etc, and the like, and even though I remain car-less at the moment, I am by no means discouraged, when I could have been, like I was when I had the ‘getting lost in the rain’ adventure, because when you’re lugging around 80 pounds of luggage and your bookbag, well, man, that is no joke. And here’s to surviving today! Because I did, and thank-you Lord, that when I wake up, because it is really late, it’ll be a new day, to see what adventures, shall soon come to pass.

I picked up my Bible today. And I opened it to Psalms, and then to Genesis, and then I remembered Ecclesiastes.

Someone told me yesterday, that in her deepest low, one day, she picked up her Bible, and sat it in her lap, and the Lord was happy that she was able to do at least that much.

I received an email today, where this one told me that the Lord is happy with us, as long as we treasure and love Him.

Many people that have seen me grow, since either I was a child all the way to now, or since I started college and beyond…have told me that they see that I have had a rough, and hard several past years. Is it true? Yes.But I don’t think many people realize the struggle that I have within myself, most all of the time. Several months ago, in April, when the one year anniversary mark for my mother’s passing hit, if I could get up out of bed, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and then go back to bed. It was quite the accomplishment for me. The fact that I read nearly 3 chapters of Ecclesiastes tonight after not picking up my Bible for 7-8 months. Well, that’s also an accomplishment for me. It’s baby steps. It’s one step at a time. It’s piece by piece.

It’s like learning to crawl, or walk again.

On Wednesday, when I saw the bereavement coordinator, she told me that it takes a whole lifetime to restructure your life. It’s going to take me my whole life to figure out how to, on the one hand, care for myself and love myself so I can be useful to the Lord, but on the other, in the spiritual sense, learn to deny my soul-life, my self. It can be quite overwhelming. It can be quite confusing.

I picked up my Bible tonight, even though it’s really late. I read nearly 3 chapters of Ecclesiastes. I read about how Solomon saw that everything is vanity under the sun, and a chasing of the wind. And I could actually relate. I’m not satisfied but I’m still trying to do things to get myself satisfied.

I was told that the Word of God, the Bible, is a healing word. If I start reading it again, maybe the Lord can have a way to heal and satisfy me. I can only find out by taking those small steps.

And again, I repeat. I actually picked up my Bible and read it tonight. That has to count for something. It’s an accomplishment. And yes, i’m proud of myself for doing at least that much.

So…I moved back home, for who knows how long. I have my reasons for it. Number 1 on the list is mainly to get my life back on track. I would watch in movies and TV shows about how people who had tragic accidents, impairments, or people who had to go into rehab would have to get their life “back on track”. For example in the movie “Follow the Stars Home” with Kimberly Paisley, the girl who plays the daughter’s friend has a mom who is so bereaved about losing her husband that she turns to drinking, and eventually has to go into rehab. She gets out by the end of the movie, but of course, they have to work at it, and she has to get her life in order again. It’s a good movie, and I’d recommend that you’d watch it, because it does more than show that. But for the purposes of my post, I am focusing on those scenes.

Everyone deals with grief differently. And, maybe you don’t want to hear me talk about my grieving so much, and that’s okay. But I’d like to tell you about my experience of talking to a bereavement coordinator today. We talked about a lot of things in the one hour and fifteen minutes I was there.

One, I’ve never done anything like this before – and I’ve never had a reason before to go and see one until my loss. We talked about how grieving is a lifelong process. Even my dad and I talked about that last night. When you lose a loved one, it’s not something you get over. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You learn to live with the loss that you have. You never get over it. Over time it gets less and less painful, but missing the person you love will always be there.

But I’m encouraged, that my bursts of anger to friends, and my craziness won’t last forever. I’m encouraged that talking to her today, made me feel like I’m on the path of getting my life in order again. What it was before my mom passed away, was one way I had my life, and now, I have to get it back in order. She encouraged me to make lists, go to a support group, write in a journal, do artistic things, and so forth. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. She also encouraged me to make some goals, like working on my cooking skills, and exercising, and the like. I definitely want a healthier lifestyle – and it all seems pretty overwhelming but one step at a time, like my friends like to tell me. One step at a time. One piece at a time. It’s okay. I’m starting to believe that it’s okay, and that everything is going to be okay. It’s going to take a lot of work to get to where I want to be, and I’m working on that part, to figure out where I want my life to get to. And though sometimes I feel like time is running out, because maybe it is especially since the Lord wants to come back soon, this is something I need to do for now. Get my life in order to some extent. That doesn’t mean quit on Him, but letting Him into the getting my life in order. Maybe I’ll join a dance class, or a zumba class, or fencing, or pottery, or…oh the magnitude of ideas that could be forming in this head of mine! I don’t know what I’ll do. But for now, it’s fun to think about. I have a great opportunity she said. And when you take everything we talked about today and put it into perspective with my mom telling me that I had the rest of my life ahead of me….when most people are trying to get married, have babies, and find a career…I’m just working on taking care of myself, because I need to. I need to focus on me for a bit, however wrong it sometimes seems…for healing to take place this has to happen. And it’s okay.

I leave you with a tidbit of something that she told me today: “God is love, and God gave you love through your mother…and since love is a gift – the sadness and….that come with missing that love is also a gift. “Or it was something to that effect because I’m horrible at remembering things sometimes. But anyway…

this is the road I’m on. The path I’m on, for the time being. And i’m determined to be okay with that, to enjoy it, and learn to be happy again.

Like someone emailed me yesterday said “Your joy will be made full”And she was right – eventually, my joy will be made full again.

Top three movies I would recommend about love, family, and cancer are:

A Walk to Remember

Listen to Your Heart

My Sister’s Keeper

[I’ve watched all three now, in that order] I would say out of all of them, Listen to Your Heart was the most intense for me, however, I just finished watching the third, My Sister’s Keeper, and I have to say, it was intense in another kind of way for me. See, I’m interested in becoming a Child Life Specialist. This is someone who works in the hospital setting with all kinds of children and families with varying degrees of illnesses, or not even, maybe just needing to cope with the day to day hospital type of stuff. But anyway, after watching a movie like this, and crying over it, and being reminded of my mom, I’m going to have to do some serious rethinking….my being might not be ready JUST YET, for this kind of job.

Still unsure of what I’m supposed to do with my life at the moment, which can be quite frustrating… but still. Lots to mull over, I guess.

So, I’ve been contemplating the idea of explaining to you all why I have the name of my blog: “Comfort inside of a box” but then I came across this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AU1yyy_At4 and it kind of explains how I feel, and how I felt when I made this blog. I have a lot of concepts, and I’m not so easily freed to do fun things…

“You never enjoy your lifeLivin’ inside the boxYou’re so afraid of taking chancesHow are you going to reach the top?

Rules and regulationsForce you to play it safeGet rid of all the hesitationIt’s time for you to seize the day

Instead of just sitting aroundAnd looking down on tomorrowYou gotta get your feet off the groundThe time is now