I have this plan, see? And it’s a good plan: take my best work from the first two years of this blog, then add a bunch of fun new stuff to it: absurd footnotes, details about the inspiration for each of the posts, new organization, and a hilarious set of forewords from the core team. Get an awesome designer to lay it out and create a cover for me, get a terrific editor to edit it for me, and I’ve got a book. (Click here to learn more about Comedian Mastermind.)

Then I start pre-orders for that book, with the plan to use the proceeds to finance my dream: research and write The Cancer Caretaker’s Companion, a book project that’s going to require my full-time attention for several months.

Even more importantly, this book will be my foot in the door when I try to get a mainstream publisher to take note of The Cancer Caretaker’s Companion. “Look,” I’ll say, impressively, as I produce spreadsheets and bar charts and pie graphs. “Using nothing but my own bare hands” (and here I’ll show my bare hands to emphasize the point) “I wrote and published a book that sold pretty darned well. And that was just a comedy book, to be read for entertainment.”

“Imagine,” I’ll conclude, in a hushed, dramatic voice, “how many books I’d sell if my book were in actual bookstores and were marketed by people who market things for a living.”

In my imagination, at this point, the publisher swoons and my agent stands up, applauding wildly — while simultaneously wiping a tear from his eye.

So far, so good, right? But that’s where things go wrong for me.

“Why just sell a book?” I say to myself. “Everyone sells books, every day. People who come to my blog aren’t going to expect something that ordinary.”

“Why not,” I reason to myself, “make things a little more interesting? As in, give people a little nudge toward buying my book, just in case they’re on the fence? Add a little incentive, as it were.”

By the way, I say this to myself in a calculating, wily voice. The voice Otto from A Fish Called Wanda might use. Except more sincere, and less likely to torture you.

Buy My Book, Win a Dream Bike

Once I finished talking to myself (try to think of this habit as a charming idiosyncrasy, rather than as a sign of mental illness, thanks), I made a couple of calls.

First, I called my friend Chuck Ibis, shown here looking as startled as I am bewildered:

The winner of the bike will get to choose either Siberian White, or Matt Matte. Let’s take a look at some of the frame details, because Ibis has stepped up its graphics game in a huge way lately. Here’s Siberian White:

And here’s Matt Matte:

But don’t look at the components on that Matt Matte bike up there, because they’re all wrong. The winner of this bike is gonna get something quite a bit sweeter, because the next call I made was to Dustin Brady.

You know, the marketing guy at Shimano who inspired everyone with his incredible determination to fulfill a promise.

“Dustin,” I said, “Chuck’s helping me out with a super-sweet Ibis frame. I’d like to turn this awesome bike into a full-on dream bike.

I admit, I had to sit down. Then I asked, “Full-on Dura-Ace? Shimano’s top-of-the line road components, top to bottom?

“Yeah,” said Dustin. “Let’s go with the C35 clinchers for this bike’s wheels, OK?”

“OK,” I said. “If you say so.”

How it Works

So, this is really pretty simple. If you’d like a chance at winning an Ibis Silk SL with Shimano Dura-Ace components and wheels, buy a book (or more than one) during the pre-order period, which ends a week from today (the order form’s a little further down this post).

For every buck you spend (rounded up and including money you spend on shipping) on buying my book, you get a row on my magical spreadsheet. So if you buy one book at the “I Need a Serious Bargain” price of $9.95 + $3.00 shipping, you get thirteen rows on my spreadsheet. If you buy a book at the “I Like Fatty” price of $19.95 + $3.00 shipping, you get 23 rows on my spreadsheet.

And if you buy 719 copies at the “I REALLY Love Fatty” price of $39.95, you get 28,728 rows on my spreadsheet.

And of course, even if you don’t win the bike, you still bought the book, which will arrive in time for Christmas (in fact, it should arrive in time for you to ship it elsewhere and still have it arrive by Christmas). But wrapping is up to you.

I’ll choose the winner randomly November 10 at midnight, Mountain Time, and will notify her or him by email.

But What If You Already Bought a Book?

Of course, if you already bought a book before I ever even announced this contest, your past purchase counts toward the contest too.

Cuz if it didn’t, that would totally suck.

How to Order

As always, I’m letting you select how much you want to pay for this book (though I’ve changed the name of one of the options). You can get more details about that here.

I have added a new price option, called “I Need a Bargain,” for $11.95, so that — with shipping — your total outlay for the book is under $15.00.

This option’s essentially like the “I Need a SERIOUS Bargain” option, except I was worried that people weren’t choosing the $9.95 option because they didn’t like the idea of me not getting a cut. With the $11.95 option, you can rest easy, knowing that you’ve got a great deal while still contributing a couple of bucks toward my Cancer Caretaker’s Companion project.

So, choose your option below, click Add to Cart, and then complete the sale at Paypal.

Thanks tons. I hope you enjoy this book. . .and I hope you win the bike, too.

So I was torn yesterday. I “wanted” the autographed + note version, but that meant that I couldn’t afford to give copies as gifts. I finally decided that to be a fatty meant I had to give rather than receive so just ordered 4 “lesser” versions to spread the love this holiday and am feeling the cheer already! (plus now with the bike offer I may still receive in the end, maybe)

Love it! Bought my own (I REALLY love Fatty full meal deal) and averaged down on the one for my sister for Christmas (I need a bargain). Now let’s just hope she doesn’t read these comments……..Hi Leanne!

Wow, Fatty, you never cease to amaze me with your giveaways and great connections you have to make them happen. Kudos! And, by the way, I am in the running with the purchase of the ‘I love Fatty’ book option.

I actually gasped, out loud, in my freaking fishbowl of a cubicle, when I scrolled down and saw the Silk. Buying! Convincing my non-cycling co-workers to buy copies and give me the bike if they win! And my Mom! And my Aunts!

I. Want. That. Bike. :) I never win anything so I have no chance, but I do have a chance to buy a really awesome book and help fund the production of another SUPER awesome book. Now I have to decide if I go for quantity (lower cost options) or quality (Fatty autograph). Decisions!

Ooohhh Davidh…I LIKE how you think! (and I REALLY like it that you’re already thinking about Davis…I’d say you have your priorities spot-on! MattC wins the Matt Matte bike, AND takes it to Davis Davise. Yep…that would be just about perfect Perfecte).

And DAMN YOU FATTY! You just KEEP coming up with ways to eek away my hard-earned-cash! YOU sir are pure evil! Yes…an Evil, Comedic Mastermind. (Oh say…how’s your weight going btw…need any more cookies?) Just checking)

@Davide-Marin and @MattC- I most vehemently protest!!!! MattC just got a new bike. A Cannondale Cat9 I believe and it’s already white. While I the mover of bicylces to Austin and other locations have a 6 year old Felt 70. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Felt, but MattC DOES NOT NEED A NEW IBIS SILK!!! I should get the Ibis. It’s my precious. Give it to me. It’s mine and I wants it!!

Plus I believe Chuck Ibis owes me beer. I seem to recall a beer pouring incident at the Annadale MTB race in which a reciperical beer was promised and not delivered. In addition I delivered a few very high end carbon bikes back to Chuck without a scratch!

Now that I think about it, it seems I am being slighted in all of these Fatty contests. Maybe I need a lawyer and need to challenge the execution of the documented contest rules. Maybe I’ll check with Levi’s lawyers and see if they would be willing to represent me with regards to this gross injustice.

@AK Chick Glad you got the book, and are resigned to the fact that you, like Wife#1, will not win… the bike. Anyway, look at the conditions the bike would suffer. Dark cold winter. Mushy, grimy Spring. Dusty, gritty May/June Alaska Air Force target all Summer (mosquitos). The bike deserves better.

And AngieG- I think we are seeing the side Spawn of Angie warned us about:

I would like to point out that my mother is not as nice as she seems. It is all an illusion…a very deceptive illusion. It’s like a mirage in the Sahara Desert of an oasis…it’s not REAL.

Now she does go on to say some nice things too, so who knows:

“I have to admit though, for all the ball busting she does, she sure is one of the greatest moms there is (are?). All I hear are good things from her about all of the Team Fatty riders. I’m glad her spunky personality is appreciated by such a great group of people.”

I still like the Iambic pentameter of “Seeing MattC’s Matt Matte”
OK, so it’s not iambic or pentameter.

As others have enquired, if said winner is located in lets say Europe somewhere around The UK/London would they be eligible if they theoretically won and were willing to pay for the shipping of said maybe won bike?

Also if pre ordered, around what time would the book arrive somewhere around The UK/ London?

Dude that is awesome! Sent the article to the wife since im half way to my new deployment location. She best by the super autographed version. And the winer gets pulled on the Marine Corps Birthday! I get an awesome book, help fight cancer(which i hate more then the taliban), and have a chnce to win a bike while celebrating our Corps b-day. It is a no lose situation.

@davidh-marin, ca Well, I could argue that said beautiful specimen of a bike would definitely not be wasted in Alaska since we have prime riding conditions and wonderful trails and smooth roads. That it would be locked up safe and sound in the winter where it would be kept polished and pretty. That it would make me too fast for mosquitos (unofficial state bird) to catch me. However, since we had a very late fall, I don’t know if I could protect it from these guys:http://www.adn.com/2011/11/03/v-gallery/2153606/bears-lingering-on-hillside-skiers.html Only in Alaska!

Also, totally made up for Wife#1 and I not winning anything in the Bikes for Zambia fundraiser by getting signed socks AND a signed jersy by not just Mr. Awesome-Best-Pro-Cyclist-Ever Chris Horner, but also by Mr. You-Better-Not-Mess-With-Me-Or-I-Will-Put-You-In-A-Major-Fatty-Headlock Levi Leipheimer, and the sweet and very cute Mr. I-Am-A-Future-Mountain-Climbing-King Ben King (too young for me and I’m happily married, but he is very cute in person).

My vote for the Ibis would have to be bykjunkie. How awesome would that be if he won?!?

Fatty,
I was going to buy a book anyway on the weekend, but this just takes the cake! Wow! I hope you meet and exceed your targets and that you have enough funds to make the next project a reality.

I have a quick question though, being pretty new to the site, I’ve been slowly going through your archives and noticed that yesterday afternoon that Jan 2009 to June 2009 has been taken down – was this on purpose? I was just in March 2009!

Thanks again for putting this together, and I look forward to see what crazy note you’ll be moved to pen in my book!

Autographed? Sweet! I got Jill Homer’s last book autographed, so now I can continue my collection of signed books by super cool bike bloggers. Woot! Also, I really think the Cancer Caretaker’s Companion is a worthy project, and you are a great person to create it. Go, Fatty!

Fatty, whoever convinced you to take all your blog archives down doesn’t understand the Internet. Now you have a bazillion links from all around the net that end up on dead pages. People can’t read your blog history to understand where you’re coming from. If this is just so you can sell the blog archives as a book, I have to say that’s very misguided. Best of luck. I was going to buy a book until I noticed that your entire site history is now gone, and I’ll have to keep catching up (from my spot in 2006) via the Internet Archive instead of direct from the source.

Question about the pre-order. I put the book on my Christmas list but don’t know if my family will choose to buy it for me or not. Will you be selling books again after Christmas if I don’t get it for Christmas and have to buy it myself?