tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-169979822017-09-19T16:18:58.498-04:00Zoe YveZoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.comBlogger701125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-4123240933669804392016-03-29T05:14:00.004-04:002016-03-29T05:14:59.213-04:00Jill Came Tumbling AfterHaving just suffered a panic attack (minutes ago), I am reminded of what matters the most to me: being true. I will be true to myself, I will stand by my values and convictions. Some of those convictions are in conflict with my spiritual teachings, mainly, forgiveness. My conviction is to not entertain or maintain relationships with negative, selfish, conceited people in my life. I have disconnected and cut off from many a people like those mentioned above. But I'm told, I need to forgive the people who have hurt me as well.<br /><br />What is forgiveness? Is it a spectrum from a clean slate to being able to acknowledge the person?<br />Or is it in between?<br /><br />I need to find out.<br /><br />My heart was palpitating, it was pounding in my chest. My breathing was deepening on its own. It was as if my chest was in peristalsis; my heart pumping in a wave-like motion rather than beating as a whole. Was it a heart attack? I dialed 911 but I stopped myself from calling. I looked away from my phone and told myself it couldn't be an attack, there was no pain in my arm or body or chest. I told myself to breathe slowly and count to 10. I prayed to God. I repeated a phrase to God over and over. I don't remember what it was.<br /><br />Did I overdose on caffeine? I drank two strong cups in an hour at 1 a.m.<br />I had to. I've been oversleeping the last few weeks.<br />I have to continue this or else there will be no more focus.<br />I think I've found my life goal, a career to strive for.<br /><br />God reminded me that what I really want is to be a net positive in Life. I can't allow my projection to slope. Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-4448348095063004262016-03-09T04:52:00.002-05:002016-03-09T04:52:41.491-05:00A Little More ThoughtI've realized, most people do not think outside of themselves very much.<br />If they did:<br /><br />1) The girl wouldn't have atrociously rapped and her friend wouldn't have intermittently sang from 4 to 6 a.m. while I was clearly working on my assignment in my program's lounge.<br /><br />2) My colleague's best friend wouldn't have let her boyfriend permanently stay in their basement apartment that is only being paid for by my colleague and her best friend.<br /><br />3) My colleague's best friend wouldn't frequently invite people over without notice.<br /><br />4) My colleague's best friend's boyfriend wouldn't regularly invite his friends over without notice.<br /><br />5) My colleague's best friend's boyfriend wouldn't loudly play YouTube videos of all sorts while in the living room up to 4 a.m.<br /><br />6) My colleague's best friend and her associates wouldn't mess up the communal area and not clean it up.<br /><br />7) My female relative wouldn't incessantly talk to me and others.<br /><br />8) My mother wouldn't have cheated on my father.<br /><br />9) My father wouldn't have been a slob for years and expect everything to be fine.<br /><br />10) My ex-boyfriend wouldn't have asked me for a second chance to only intentionally fail.<br /><br />11) A colleague wouldn't often prematurely take her share from the tip collection.<br /><br />12) A senior colleague wouldn't yell at employees for her failure of considering their understanding of a matter.<br /><br />13) Rape wouldn't occur.<br /><br />14) Relationships wouldn't be so tumultuous.<br /><br />15) The environment would be in a better state.Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-8879224916960514052016-03-09T04:26:00.005-05:002016-04-11T04:10:43.107-04:00A Woman like You I have never met a woman like you and boy was I lucky to have avoided a character like that for this long. Unlucky that I eventually had to come across this behavior. A sustained "coming across," considering that I live with you there is no where I can go to for long to avoid you. No such thing as privacy with you, no such thing as personal space or silence. I find the dumb ones are the only people uncomfortable with silence. There always has to be noise. The T.V., music, radio in the car, and in your case, endless yapping reverberating from the hole in your face.<br /><br />No one has ever told you to shut up before. I know it, seeing how confidently you speak. Without the social norms of expecting and waiting for feedback, you just tirelessly continue your monologue. A babble no one cares to hear but you don't care, you need to speak. It's as if it's the only way you can breathe. You'll die if you don't talk. Oh, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.<br /><br />You're stupid but don't know it. You think what you say is intelligent and ought to be broadcasted which explains the reiteration to the same individual and the repetition to everyone else in your babble circle. I'd like to cancel my involuntary membership of this babble circle. I didn't want this.<br /><br />I didn't want to listen to a middle-aged woman whine about her weight, health problems, childhood stories, daughter frustrations, poor management of an inherited company, dog grooming and issues everyday. It's the same fucking story every day.<br /><br />This woman has quite the static life. It comes from not learning and not growing.<br />Read a book, a real book, not a fucking romance novel for fuck's sake.<br /><br />Watch a documentary, an actual educational show, not reality T.V. about a veterinarian and claim that you're all about science.<br /><br />Red flag #1: "Men can't stand that women are superior to them. That's why for years they've tried to keep us down. They know we're better than they are."<br /><br />I gave you the benefit of the doubt on that statement but you really showed your kookiness from then to now. You're more like Donald Trump than you know. Just as delusional but with a different focus.<br /><br />You are definitely not an inspiration to women. You are nutty and fucked up. On this day of International Women's Day, I do not think of you with pride. Get yourself fixed. The animals were fixed genitally but you need it mentally.<br /><br />I am going to respect myself, first and foremost. I am done listening to you, tolerating you. I'm going to look after my needs, my need for a quiet space, a calm environment, peaceful time. Your yappity-yap-yap days are over. You can yap-yap-yap to everyone else, just not me.<br /><br />I don't even know why you got all the animals if you weren't gonna spend most of your time with them. Burden them with your presence and blabbing. They're there! They don't have an education to pursue, they have all the time in the world to pay attention to you. You can repeat the stories 1, 4, 6, 7, 8 times! That'll make you happy. <br /><br />Also, see a therapist. Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-81080474512583846562016-01-22T21:19:00.003-05:002016-01-22T21:19:50.240-05:00IcanhazloverI'm so lonely<br />So terribly lost at<br />What to do with<br />My time and affection<br />I hope I<br />Will pass this feel-tain<br />Ha ha ha<br />I am so funny<br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-35544422910986817812015-12-28T04:06:00.001-05:002015-12-28T04:08:25.837-05:00Teary CallI never liked the term missing piece<br /><div>Do not say that I was that missing piece</div><div>I do not want to fit into your puzzle&nbsp;</div><div>Do not say that I complete you</div><div><br /></div><div>We are supposed to navigate a maze&nbsp;</div><div>Next to each other learning our way</div><div>Getting lost yet keeping faith&nbsp;</div><div>I want it to be that way&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>You won't let me mold for us&nbsp;</div><div>I would have lost the shape anyway</div><div>You would have noticed the gap and doubt</div><div>The accuracy of that jigsaw chunk&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>Throw me away,</div><div>You can fill in it with technology and strength.&nbsp;</div><div>A tiny blank fazes few</div><div>Your meaning is of most importance</div>Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-65328183087658340882015-12-10T14:50:00.002-05:002015-12-10T14:50:40.974-05:00The Day Presses On I used to wonder when I'd get better. I look at my forearm and the scars comfort me. It'd be weird if they weren't there. I'd do it again once they've disappeared. Depression has become a huge part of my identity. It has become part of my every day. I oversleep everyday, I'm tired everyday, I'm unproductive everyday. I try to remember to take my medication everyday. I think about suicide every few days. Then I wonder if the only way to rid myself of these thoughts and habits would be to die. Because I have learned that we are all expendable and we do not matter and casualties are casual and life goes on it is nothing precious we are scum and people are annoying conceited and dumb. Maybe when it finally happens I'll be happier knowing I'm no longer a problem to my professors and administration staff. When it happens I won't have to face the world when they find out my struggles and weakness.<br />The Bigger Picture? What is the bigger picture? Jesus' second coming. Heaven on earth. Sinners in hell. I don't know where I stand in the spectrum of holiness. It's probably closer to hell.<br />My vision was to help, change, and learn. Journalism does all that. I love to read and write but I barely do.<br />Why does it matter if people want to die? I think society overreacts to suicide. Let them go. Human babies are born every second. Illness, debt, sadness, meaningless. They're all valid reasons. Why does it matter so much to you? There are millions of perfectly happy people who do not have a care in the world. The population will survive. Let the fittest live on. That's how depression will be eradicated. It will disappear from the gene pool. The laws of nature, the laws of God, aren't they the path to peace and fulfilment?Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-15867816681181960012015-12-01T14:51:00.000-05:002015-12-01T14:51:01.374-05:00Right NowPeople are helping me.<br />I can make it. I will earn this degree. I will study and try, try.<br /><br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-38076625118546896952015-11-17T06:18:00.002-05:002015-11-17T20:18:29.713-05:00FraudYou wanna know what fuckin' grinds my gear?<br />Fake people. <br />Fake people really grinds the gears of my hating machine. <br />You're a fraud. And you. And you. And YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU. <br /><br />Do you know why I have such a high turnover of friends? Because after detecting hypocrisy and cockiness with zero self-awareness, I become&nbsp;irritated by&nbsp;the person. Most people do not reflect on themselves. And I am not in the business of serving reality checks.<br /><br />Why do you bother to pretend to be friends and say things you don't mean? You really needn't say that.&nbsp;My cup&nbsp;floweth over with&nbsp;piss. I don't want your piss, even if you're famous. Drop the act, homeboy. You are not down-to-earth for sporadically talking to me. You are not humble for being friends and following me on social media despite your celebrity status. <br /><br />So God help you if you think your&nbsp;current social circle genuinely cares for you and are not only with you because of your fame. So God help you in your times of loneliness and identity crises. So God help you in your moments of weakness because I am not Jesus and your friends are not your disciples. <br /><br />In my return I have learned who loves&nbsp;me and who I should love. <br /><br />I am in awe of the people who profess love and loyalty without a moment's hesitation because they are always the ones who does nothing to show for it. You are what you are and you should know it. Do not ever use the excuse of time on me, do not ever expect me to go out of my way for you, do not do, I do not do.<br /><br />This visitation has mangled my direction. I never wanted to come back. I hated the country. I hate everything about it in my desperate need of escape. I had to get out. Now I want back in, but not in the same place.<br /><br />I hated being an alien. I was bitter from having my childhood broken in two. It made me complex and interesting. It made me a fascinating story. A detail I did not care for and would have rather it not be. Never did I expect that I'd love being here again from an existing history and connections.<br /><br />All this time I was thinking, "Life or death?" but now it's become "here or there?" <br /><br />God, is this You saving me again?Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-58668841163010062162015-11-08T01:37:00.002-05:002015-11-08T01:37:15.295-05:00Fizzical It is only physical. Does it mean anything? It is matter but does it matter?<br />Bubbles pop. Cherries pop. Bottles pop. People pop.<br />I am a slave to my body. My mind dependent on my mood dependent on my brain.<br />I am a slave to my brain. My behaviour dependent on my mood dependent on my liking.<br />Lusting, looking, craving.<br />Is it only physical or is it inexcusable?<br />You may not forgive me but I can not think right anymore.<br />The world is in me and it is weighing me down to hell.<br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-10730716075285192862015-10-27T01:13:00.001-04:002015-10-27T01:13:01.840-04:00DhyA weekly reminder of why I should not die:<br /><br />1) I am blessed<br /><br />2) I should bless<br /><br />3) Prove to be stronger<br /><br />4) Only shame suicide when ultimate failure occurs<br /><br />5) Hell<br /><br /><br />It's a stupid phase. It, too, shall pass. If not, I will.Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-3102614775743287082015-10-16T17:20:00.003-04:002015-10-16T17:20:48.189-04:00Dear Future Husband,<br /><br />I love you more than life itself. I love you more than money and classy desserts. I'd rather look at you than handsome, young, shirtless boys with curvy shoulders and arms and a fit belly. Should you not exist, I say this to my future cat companion.<br /><br />Love,<br /><br />ZoeZoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-33345489064493941802015-10-16T17:09:00.003-04:002015-10-27T01:14:16.116-04:00HahahahahaThey say I have a powerful story<br />They say it's so dramatic<br />Oh, what a story it is to tell<br />I sometimes wish I didn't have it<br /><br />The pain that occurred inside my soul<br />My heart broken by all most you<br />I cried so many times from love<br />I hate you<br /><br />If so you dare show yourself to me<br />I will fist your fucking face first<br />I swear if you've got the skin<br />Your body will hurt<br /><br />I will make it swell more<br />Than what grief I felt in the last three years<br />Of my away<br />From my home from my country<br />You had no right to make me Malay<br /><br />I will see to it that you wished you never saw me<br />Because your cheeks will be bloodied<br />And I. I will sully my Christianity to bring you humility and sorry<br /><br />Test the power of my story<br />You made the drama so awfully captivating<br />Fully deserving awards from movies<br />I will break you in front of your family<br />See the light in my eyes I am innocent<br /><br />You are so<br />Disappointing<br /><br /><br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-43945909859653768822015-10-08T19:37:00.001-04:002015-10-08T19:37:14.578-04:00Live I will never kill myself, I am too afraid. If hell does not exist, I do not want to die, if hell exists, I do not want to die. Why am I a live?Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-46851572916392508612015-10-08T19:28:00.001-04:002015-10-08T19:28:23.384-04:00MatterI wear a ring on my ring finger because I want to be married. I fantasize a life of love and loyalty. I have realized, however, that being married does not guarantee that. Neither how being ringed on my fourth metacarpal makes me married nor having a degree means you're smart. I have debated marriage, I do not believe in it. It is done for safe measure; liability.<br />We love ourselves too much to truly love others. Maybe that's why the Bible refers to the union in marriage as two becoming one, maybe that's why couples refer to each other as their better half.<br />She is supposed to be you. You her.<br />In that sense, only twins, triplets, and quadruplets can selfishly love one another.<br />Love is selfish. Love is self-affirming. Love is conditional. Love is mutual.<br />I love you, I say to you. I say to you to feel good. I say to you so you will say to me. I say as I feel. You think a lot, over the lot, extremely lot then miss the matter.<br />What's the matter?Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-10231003744976889922015-10-08T19:04:00.001-04:002015-10-09T17:32:04.721-04:00FellowMaking me feel good doesn't make you a good person.<br />Helping me to be better does.<br />You are an invaluable companion right now.<br />This relationship has grounded me in my return.<br />It has also hollowed me out.<br /><br />Do I want to be cool? I want to be me.<br />I am not that sweet<br />That cute<br />That pretty<br />That gorgeous<br />Girl you always see.<br /><br />I am me and dissatisfied. You are what I want but hurts.<br />Love, most certainly not.<br />Appreciation craved, you are a fine fellow.Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-86886825524237947102015-10-08T18:51:00.000-04:002015-10-08T18:51:34.191-04:00How I AmI am never happy. I think it's what makes me happy.<br />The step I'm on is now a plateau.<br />The next step is steep.<br />It makes it safe and hard.<br /><br />I am grateful but not content.<br />Some moments I feel to sleep.<br />Then I want to die because I don't want to sleep.<br /><br />There is nothing to cry about.<br />Nothing is on my mind.<br />I see nothing.<br />Nothing matters.<br />Every one is so busy.<br /><br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-11679946956898276572015-09-25T14:52:00.003-04:002015-10-08T18:51:51.057-04:00Lab Class&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Sitting in class, half hour given to write a draft. I'm not doing it. Not because I don't want to but I don't have enough information. The first two weeks has been good, relievingly good, praise the Lord good, I can do this good. I may be deluding myself. My work was graded with awful fractions. I have a big appetite, give me more!<br /><div>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I like this professor. He plays jazz or classical music when the class is answering a quiz or writing. This man, this man is classy and sweet. "Music as wallpaper or music as perfume," he's saying right now. That is fascinating. I agree. It should be more subtle like being the blonde in the room; you notice it once in a while but you go about giving attention to other people and items like the food and decor.&nbsp;</div><div>&nbsp; &nbsp; Scene within a large scene. That is the filler. Which is still necessary, many people eat rice everyday.&nbsp;</div><div><br /></div><div>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Happy.&nbsp;</div><div>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I'm distracted. I'm listening to the professor and also thinking about my scene assignment.&nbsp;</div>Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-68933129218886828172015-07-16T01:27:00.001-04:002015-10-08T18:52:14.732-04:00Blowing"What's it about?"<br />"Theft."<br />"Of what...?" probably worrying it would be really bad, like actual drugs.<br /><br />No. It was just beverages, gum, and oh wait, yeah, a bottle of generic Tylenol #1s. I had suspected her dishonesty for a few months now. I was never fully sure, I often gave the benefit of the doubt, but now, as I told my boss and manager, "I'm 99% sure she's stealing."<br /><br />At this time, I'd normally be sleeping, watching House of Cards (third season now, aw yeah) or YouTube videos, listening to music, or reading an article/blog post about a random topic that has piqued my interest for the week. I read a novel yesterday at this time, 11 pages if it counts (I'm a slow, absorbent reader). Instead, I am up and slightly guilt-ridden. <i>Slightly</i>.<br /><br />My intentions were pure yet it's always a double-edged sword when you snitch. Like Edward Snowden, some people say he's a traitor, others a hero.<br /><br />I ratted on a colleague today. Had I not, I would have felt I was disloyal to my employer but to a higher degree, I intrinsically felt that it was not right for her to do that and it had to stop. I wanted to speak to her myself except that I was told it was not my place. That was regarding her work ethics. I assumed it would be the same rule for her thievery.<br /><br />I worked and worked, complained about other things, but kept silent on that. Very surprising that no one else had brought it up, very underwhelming to know that I'm the only one with a growing suspicion.<br /><br />Two days left until my last day, my boss was in today, she rarely is. The idea popped in my head, I don't know what spurred it. Maybe it's because I always want to fix people problems. I unraveled the bag of beans or a cat, or physically, both; beans rotten and good, cat dead and alive. Beans and cat, I unraveled it ALL!<br /><br />I knew it was right. I know it but I feel bad. <br /><br />Would she get fired? If so, it'd be extremely difficult for her to find another job. Low intellect, obese, low drive, past young adulthood. I don't think she'll get fired though. My workplace is a very tolerant, forgiving environment. However, the possibility made me queasy.<br /><br />Secondly, what will they do? Nothing? Well, then I might as well not have. Verbally warn her and have the status quo unchanged as usual? Ya, okay, whatever.<br /><br />I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.<br /><br />This job was a dream come true. It still is but the angels around are not as helpful as they're depicted in movies. I walked into the store regarding everything consecrated, my boss was the archangel, and my colleagues cherubs. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">*I have nothing against my boss, absolutely nothing. I have no criticism for her.</span> My last workplace was a living hell and she saved me from it and gave me more. For that, I owe her for life.<br /><br />&nbsp;Reality trickled through the small crevices of the rosy cloud that was imaginarily floating in the pharmacy and its health clinic neighbors until my forthright irritability could no longer deny the very obviously imperfect community. <br /><br />Here and there, everywhere, many things problematic but the business functioned like a healthy cell. It was and is a good business, and the relieving redeeming trait was that it continually improved. Sometimes, unreasonably slow or unresponsive, as to my colleague's sluggish, sloppy behavior and work but at least it focused on other issues.<br /><br />As it has rained... well, drizzled, every time I&nbsp; had experienced a disappointment, now my vision is as clear as the blue sky.<br /><br />I do not completely blame her for degenerating, they had let her. Now, they have to deal with what they had not condemned. On the upside, the creation of a Lucifer was avoided. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~*~</div><br />Two more days and I will have no more full-time work. I will go to Boston and travel. Read. Write. Learn.<br /><br />Crap, I need to get my student loan in order.<br /><br />Also, I thank God for the chilly summer days because He knows my chintzy live-in landlords won't turn on the air-conditioning until it reaches Saharan temperatures.&nbsp; <br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-9684070870384547202015-06-26T23:48:00.001-04:002015-09-28T15:10:22.300-04:00I Am a Woman Who Has SexI've been on Alysena for five days now. It's the generic name for <a href="https://www.alesse.ca/en/splash" target="_blank">Alesse</a>, a popular birth control brand. I never thought I'd use an oral contraceptive or even non-hormonal ones before marriage. I never desired to be sexually active before marriage. How it happened is a hodgepodge of factors, some naïve, some unsavoury. The first time isn't normally due to marital passion; wanting to eternally be close to the person and forever hold a special place in their precious souls. Admittedly, I did have that idea in mind when it happened. But we're adults now.<br /><br />Or are we? <br /><br />Because I'm really laughing over the fact that despite the hypersexual media that surrounds us that is unquestioned and accepted, once you break that veil of seduction and insinuation, you are a WHORE. A bad, filthy, cum-dumpster WHORE. Not if you're male though. It's cool. You're a winner if you a lad ("Go master key! <strike>Open them legs</strike> Unlock them doors!") <br /><br />The article that was trending on Facebook was Kaitlyn Bristowe. The extremely attractive star of The Bachelorette. Basically, she was heavily criticized for having sex with a contestant early on in the show (because women aren't allowed to have sex before developing life-long-committing feelings).<br /><br />I thought it was ridiculous. You kidding me? She's a grown-ass woman. She's thirty for crying out loud. Kaitlyn can have sex with whoever she wants whenever she wants HOWEVER she wants!*<br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">*Obvious limitations to that statement pertaining to the law.</span><br /><br />I think... I think it's amazing that people are more critical of adult consensual sex than fucking sex trafficking.They kick up a fuss, they call Kaitlyn names, apparently it's a dirty deed but everything else that is explicitly wrong, e.g. rape/catcalling/harassment/molestation, is not a big deal because the recipient induced it in one way or another. <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://assets-s3.usmagazine.com/uploads/assets/articles/87291-bachelorette-kaitlyn-bristowe-admits-to-having-sex-with-contestant/1432083464_kaitlyn-bristowe-zoom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://assets-s3.usmagazine.com/uploads/assets/articles/87291-bachelorette-kaitlyn-bristowe-admits-to-having-sex-with-contestant/1432083464_kaitlyn-bristowe-zoom.jpg" height="524" width="640" /></a></div><br /><br />I mean, I mean, I'd react that way when I was 15. When I didn't know very much about intercourse and felt wary of people who were sexually experienced. I didn't know how different it made them or what kind of people they were if they have had or is continually having sex without guilt. <br /><br />Today, on Facebook again, Bristol Palin was trending. Tina Fey's--I mean, Sarah Palin's daughter.<span style="font-size: x-small;"> (I love you Tina Fey and the whole cast of <i>30 Rock</i> and <i>Bossypants</i>. Mucho a'more! Mwah, mwah, mwah!)</span> Bristol is 24, pregnant, unmarried, and already has one child. Oh yeah, she's Republican too. Hahahhahahaha. <br /><br />Wanna know a cool coincidence? Kaitlyn Bristowe. Bristol Palin. Kaitlyn <b>Bristowe. Bristol </b>Palin. Kaitlyn Bristol. Bristowe Palin. Kaitlyn Bristowle Palin. Who? What? Where?<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img2-2.timeinc.net/people/i/2015/news/150330/sarah-palin-768.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img2-2.timeinc.net/people/i/2015/news/150330/sarah-palin-768.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div><br />I want to tell Bristol (the politician's daughter in case you're confused) that what is happening is understandable and I hope that your case would open the eyes of Republicans. As you know, this wasn't planned. You didn't want this to happen; it came unexpectedly. Not every woman that will go through what you're going has the same resources as you do. They're not rich and powerful. Abortion would be the best route for these ladies. If they choose not to abort, Republicans should not staunchly cut off welfare to the people who need it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? SO STOP FUCKING TELLING WOMEN TO BE PRUDES. Women don't aspire to get an abortion. Cutting off coverage for and criminalizing abortion does nothing but harm to society. <br /><br />I do not think less of you as a woman but as a human being. I am embarrassed for you to have rode the high horse of celibacy only to have fallen so conspicuously. You're plain pregnant. There's no easy denial of sexual activity. If only it were a lover who leaked rumours of physical intimacy with you. I bet people would believe you if you said you were divinely impregnated. (Many years ago, I heard there's insurance coverage for that.)<br />Bristol's constant referral to God drives me nuts too. What a fucking Pharisee behavior. "God is merciful," "God [is] by [her] side", look everyone, miracle of life, it's not like I killed someone, hallelujah, hallelujah, Life! You'd say anything to understate the hypocrisy. Of course, shift the spotlight to God. God is all great and powerful and mighty. Pregnancy is no big deal. God's blessing and forgiveness is bigger than all of this.<br /><br />But what you advocated swayed many young girls into believing they would never have sex before marriage because they didn't need to. These young girls first experience and continuation would likely be very dangerous because they didn't think they needed (actual, legitimate, <i>informative</i>) sex education. You're lucky to be pregnant and a parent with your privilege. I can only imagine how it is actually like for other girls and women to be a single parent or pregnant... or a yet-again-pregnant single parent with half the advantages you have.<br /><br /><br />You know, I didn't even start taking "birth control" for birth control. I wanted oral contraceptives to manipulate my menstruation. I absolutely hate menstruating. I've thought about a hysterectomy for several years. After studying a little on hormonal contraception, I learned that I could control when my period is due. I never knew you could postpone your period. I didn't know you could delay it for three months! I thought, as a woman, I. HAD. TO. bleed every three weeks. Hence my experimentation with synthetic hormones.<br /><br />Kaitlyn Bristowle Palin, just keep having sex... or not. You owe no one answers as long as you do not propel dumb ass ideas and impose fucking stupid laws on the masses.<br /><br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-79374319001866495552015-05-11T20:48:00.002-04:002015-10-08T18:53:15.123-04:00Less is BestI thought I knew,<br />I thought you true.<br />I wanted more of this.<br /><br />You were alive,<br />I was awake.<br />We love did make. <br /><br />Perhaps<br /><br />The less I believe,<br />The less I'd reel.<br />The less I know,<br />The less I'd feel.<br /><br />In that case<br /><br />I'll go away,<br />You wouldn't stay.<br />Peace to us,<br />and with us.<br /><br />Amen.Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-72767840042960520022015-03-21T00:02:00.000-04:002015-03-21T00:02:04.550-04:00Why over Z?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IarcGu6SJLA/VQzcp7z8ImI/AAAAAAAAdXI/jAbBPc8Kc-E/s1600/IMG_5638.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IarcGu6SJLA/VQzcp7z8ImI/AAAAAAAAdXI/jAbBPc8Kc-E/s1600/IMG_5638.JPG" height="400" width="298" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>University of Toronto, Trinity College. Taken January 24, 2015.</em></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Church is a place I haven't been to in a while. I don't think it has lessened my faith by any measure. I remember being vexed at church a couple of years ago. "Oh my goodness. They're playing the same praise&nbsp;song for the eight week in a row." I couldn't concentrate on the sermon, it was incredulously boring. The Word of God is never boring but when preached in a mundane fashion, it becomes so. It felt like a waste of time. Too much of an effort too. I had to cycle there, my aunt drove me there a few times, I walked a couple of occasions. The experience at that particular church was just not worth my energy to be there.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Married parishioners, all with toddlers, were showing signs of jadedness. A couple of families stopped showing up altogether after their second newborn. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I've been trying to find my own meaning of my Christian faith. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Are people inspired by me? Do people like me? Can I help others? Am I a <em>good </em>person? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Reading the works of Friedrich Nietzsche, I'm still contemplating what exactly is good if there is such a thing as good at all. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I've become fairly cynical. People say I'm gullible. Yes, in certain cases. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My morals have turned questionable. I've done some awful stuff. Regrettable&nbsp;though&nbsp;satisfactory at the same time. Life has become a delicate balance of worth. Is my life worth living? I feel tired every day. Should I die? Perhaps I could eventually do&nbsp;fulfilling work. Should I charge on? Even with all my energy it my resolve carries on with a crawl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm young, I always think to myself, maybe the future will be better. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It's been getting better. It could even be better. A happier place, a stable scenario, a supportive environment, an intellectually stimulating influence. No more basic reflexes. No more survival mode. No struggle to have a calm roof over me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I know that none of this would have been possible without God. I've been prayed for and blessed. My development is a miracle. My decent existence is a miracle. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It is always my story that keeps my own faith strong. I hope other believers have their own stories, their own divine encounters to root their faith. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">&nbsp;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">There will be a limitless amount of whys. </div><br />We will never know. Not in this dimension. <br /><br />It really is scary to not know. That's how fear mostly works. I feel bold enough but not strong enough. Physically not strong enough. My next miracle would be to become stronger. I do not feel good in this state at all. <br /><br />Thank You.Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-54227000790296393782015-03-17T22:04:00.000-04:002015-03-20T22:49:09.012-04:00Rules of SocietyBasically a misfit is what you're calling me. Yes. I'd love to be an accidental rebel. Tell me what these rules of society are. You imply I don't know them. Or at least don't follow them. "You're a character, Zoe." Hmm, aren't we all characters in Life? Please elaborate. Elaborate why I amuse you; why you chuckle when you see me or when I spread lotion on my hands before wearing blue disposable gloves, why you pretend you want to harass me when I walk pass you.<br /><br />I like it. I like you. I also dislike you. You're one of the few people I can truly say I'm on the fence about. Someone I like and dislike equally. Rare. More rare than a diamond really. For everyone else I either love to the extreme or loathe to the core. You? Neither. A perfect grey.<br /><br />I know you to be a good man. An ignorant man. A self-absorbed man. A proud man. A funny man. A cute man. A caring person.<br /><br />Bias. Sexist. Subconsciously but nevertheless--.<br /><br />I'd rather ask why you have never questioned the rules of society.<br /><br />"You have no filter."<br /><br />"What's wrong with being honest? There's not enough honest people in the world."<br /><br />"No, it's different. You have no filter."<br /><br />"Honesty?"<br /><br />"No. You're not listening, God."<br /><br />Okay.<br /><br />I'll learn to veil myself. My feelings. Pull wool over my mouth, on your eyes, in your ears. Morph myself into someone clever and cunning. Will you like me better then? Will I be smarter then? Popular? Sucessful? Trouble-free? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and only outwardly.<br /><br /><br />Mr. Mister, I ponder, who set up these so-called "rules of society"? Can't be God, hm, no, no... not women, I mean, really, we just started ruling, uh, nature? No, nature's getting ass-whooped, we don't know if she'll take it much longer. Men. Oh manly men, men, men. You. You see, I don't conform with <i>your</i> rules of social etiquette. Everyone has their own. Some more conservative. Some lax.<br /><br />Mine's <i>really </i>lax, apparently.<br /><br />I will return to reading <i>Fifty Shades of Grey </i>now.<br /><br /><br />Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-51094457282522234422015-02-16T04:01:00.001-05:002015-02-16T04:01:35.073-05:00Faint AcquaintanceWhy do you feign fondness?<br />You did not have to pretend like it was anything but a one night stand.<br />Yet, it seems, out of apparent courtesy, you handed your phone to me.<br /><br />I thought you wanted more.<br />But you didn't.<br /><br />Was it because we had sex?<br /><br />Why are undeniable connections made when it was meaningless to at least one party?<br />&nbsp;Because we had sex?<br /><br />You try to feign a friendship when there was no interest even in the beginning.<br />No, we are not friends, nor romantic partners, nor, nor...<br />Compatible.<br /><br />Those actions revealed your apparent childishness.<br /><br />Because we had sex.&nbsp; <br />You felt like we needed to stay in contact.<br />However, you made no effort to communicate.<br /><br />No bother was needed.<br /><br />I am an adult. I am a woman.<br />Fully experienced with the pains of rebuffed affection.<br />From family, friends, and love interests.<br /><br />You are but a stone to the canon balls I have received.<br /><br />So long, sucker.<br />I will remember you.<br />Only because we had sex.&nbsp; Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-22059442000076434292015-02-02T00:57:00.001-05:002015-02-02T00:57:30.570-05:00The Most Expensive Hair Cut I've Ever Fuggin Had<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zdaYDePW2xI" width="480"></iframe>Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16997982.post-89192072359332568052015-01-10T23:03:00.001-05:002015-01-10T23:21:14.714-05:00Dating YouDating you was heaven.&nbsp;<div>Dating you was guilty.</div><div>Dating you was marvellous.</div><div>Dating you was bliss.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>I could never have for the life of me think I would have done what I had done.</div><div><br></div><div>But given the chance to turn time... I would still do it again.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Weird.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Seeing how I hate you so.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Strange.</div><div><br></div><div>Seeing how we saw each other three times more.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Sex: six times in total.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Sweet to one another like snuggly puppies.</div><div><br></div><div>Awful that I have to be so mean to you. Knowing that you do not care, have not changed, would not retaliate.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Cowardly, insecure, and needy.&nbsp;</div><div>Narcissist, psychopathic, deceitful.</div><div><br></div><div>Why? I beg you, why?</div><div>Somewhere in that gentle brushing of my back and post-coital night-long embrace, I thought you'd have a soul. Not just for yourself but a conscience for others.&nbsp;</div><div>The soft hugs and hug thrusts implied you truly love.</div><div>Not me but someone other than yourself, at least.</div><div><br></div><div>A good thing was ruined--by your nature--of dishonesty and cock.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>I so very much want to see how you will live on. Leading on, beginning, nodding, bowing, lying, lying, lying...</div><div><br></div><div>My baby boot,</div><div>You will always answer the call.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Being together is incredulously silly.&nbsp;</div><div>Sillily fulfilling. Sillily romantic. Sillily rewarding.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>For a moment. A very, very short moment.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>We can't be but we are.&nbsp;</div><div>Not more anymore.</div><div><br></div><div>That is good enough.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>This is good enough.&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div>Right?&nbsp;</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><i><br></i></div><div><i>P.S. Maybe I still love you. Trash. I always hoard them for awhile.</i></div>Zoe Yvehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11448968443956535650noreply@blogger.com0