Sweet Sydney's Diary (as typed by her mom)

Mom adopted me from the shelter seven years ago today. Mom posted a bunch of new pictures of me, and she gave my fursibs Shakespeare and Lacey chewies and treats in my honor. Yum! At the bridge I get treats every day whenever I want whatever I want. It's not bad, BOL.

Our friends have been remembering us today, and many have sent us sweet messages.

"Happy Birthday to Sydney. May she romp and play and be the queen today among her friends at the bridge."

"Happy gotcha day up in doggie heaven, Syd! I'm sure life is treating you well over the bridge! You are definitely not forgotten... "

"Dear sweet Sydney.
If you can read this, please know that your smiling face is greatly missed, but today, as on every day, we hold you so very close to our hearts."

"Aw Sydney girl, I'll never forget her Gotcha Day story. Sweet memories of a sweet girl."

Mom told me that my friend Gretchen would be joining me at Rainbow Bridge sometime today. Gretchen's been sick. :( Gretchen is like my heart sister. Her mom and my mom adopted us a few months apart, and both Gretchen and I were older blind shelter schnauzer girls. So our moms have always felt a kinship over us, and so have me and Gretchen. I'm glad to be able to meet her, but sad for her mom and family and fursibs. Mom's lighting my candle for Gretchen tonight. We love you Gretchen, and we will miss you dearly.

Actually getting myself to write this is very difficult. I want to stop because just thinking about you makes me start to cry. I miss you so much. I miss scratching behind your ears, holding you close while I carry you outside, watching you walk around the house, smiling as you grr at your siblings to get outta your space, watching you sleep all cozy in the big soft beds.... I miss you sleeping on my bed, miss you coming over to the side of the bed and giving that one bark to let me know it was time to pick you up and put you on the bed. When I was carrying Lacey outside when her leg hurt, it was like I was carrying you outside the last year or so of your life on earth. Sometimes I think I hear your bark in the house. You had such a cute, ferocious bark. You ruled the house, my smart little girl. Even though I sometimes forgot you were blind because you never acted like it, it still amazes me that my little blind girl ruled the house. :)

Heck, you ruled the dog parks sometimes too. I know how much you loved going to the dog parks, getting to sniff all those new smells. It was so neat to watch you bark at the big dogs who'd sniff you, watch you tell them to back off and then watch them walk away. Such an attitude and I loved every bit of it! :) But when you were ready to go, you'd bark like crazy to let me know yep, we're leaving now whether you and Shakey want to or not. :)

I still remember that first week I brought you home. My fondest memory of you is from that first week, when I had crated you because I didn't know how you and Shakey would get along, how you'd be in the house... I walked over to the crate and you knew I was there, you started barking and then.. you were wagging your tail and so excited to see me (and probably get out of the crate too!). I can still remember the love and excitement I felt watching you wagging your tail for that first time. I loved coming home to your barking and tail wagging, you would always come right up to me and give me little kisses and wag your whole butt, oh that was so cute!!!

Sydney, you were so adorable, smart, stubborn, full of attitude, and one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I miss you so much baby girl. I love you so much and you will always be in my heart.

Here are the rules:
Because it’s Thanksgiving time, there is a change to the rules. Each player needs to tell seven special things they are thankful for. Tagged dogs must post the rules in their diary and their 7 things. Then choose 7 pups to tag and list their names. Let them know by pawmail or rosette that they have been tagged and to read your diary for the instructions on how to play.

Seven Things I’m Thankful For:

1. I’m thankful that my mom adopted me from the shelter and brought me home with her.
2. I’m thankful for the wonderful last few years I had with my mom, my fursiblings, and my grandpawrents.
3. I’m thankful for the emergency vets who gave me two more great years.
4. I’m thankful for the comfy beds, blankets, and pillows I was so cozy in.
5. I’m thankful walks, hugs, kisses, ear scratches, treats, and merrick turducken.
6. I’m thankful that I'm not in pain any more and I can see and run again.
7. I’m thankful that Shakespeare and Lacey make my mom smile whenever she misses me or feels sad (like now).

Don't I look beautiful with my wings!! My new pal Kadie showed what I look like near all the rainbows at rainbow bridge, and our most wonderful sweet pawsome pal Milly's wonderful dad showed what I'd look like outside - which has always been my favorite place! It looks like the dog park I used to go to with mom and Shakey. I had a grrreat time at that park! But when I'm outside here, I can fly! Woof!

Thanks to everypup for the Rosettes and Stars and wonderful wishes. I'm having sooo much fun playing with all my wonderful new pals at Rainbow Bridge that I hope I'll have time soon to reply to everypup individually too.

Of course yesterday Sydney was walking ok (compared to previous days) and devoured her steak pieces. I was like, why am I doing this again?!? Last night she woke me up with an unfortuntely all too common scared high pitched bark because she was laying on her left side and couldn't get up. Oh you guys this is so confusing and I want to cry all the time.... I'm trying to focus on what my friend said about never getting better and what the vet said and how I don't think Sydney was able to enjoy her weekend like I was hoping she would....

Anyways....

I promised Sydney a great weekend full of things she used to enjoy. So on Saturday, I took Sydney up to Port Warwick for this pawsome pet boutique Femmes and Fidos' first Yappy Hour. I thought she'd enjoy their Doggie Smoothies cause she's always been food motivated. :) As we drove there, I had all the windows open so she could feel the breeze - she used to love to stick her head out of the window and feel the wind against her face. It was almost too hot for that tho, and when I'd look at Sydney laying down in the passenger seat with her head upward and yet panting, I felt so bad... she couldn't really enjoy that. At one point (at a stop of course), I put her on my lap and tried to lift her up and hold her so her head could stick out the window, but that wasn't comfortable for her and she kept wanting down. Sigh. :(

We got to Femmes and Fidos, and even tho I had to carry Sydney everywhere cause she can't walk well, I put her down so she could sniff around the grass patch near the store, read some pmail, and leave her mark. (She used to like to go for walks and mark all over, my little alpha girl!) Sydney can't walk well, but she hates being carried too. Poor baby. :( (No, I didn't get a stroller because it's expensive and miss independent Sydney would have never been content in a carrying bag!)

We went into the nice, cool, air conditioned store, and the owner, Patty, remembered me from picking up Shakey's bday pupcakes. She is so freaking nice and welcoming and wonderful. Patty gave Sydney some ear scratches. :) I carried Sydney around the store and let her sniff here and there. Patty made Sydney a Doggy Smoothie, and I put it in front of Sydney so she could smell that it was there.. I even literally stuck her nose in it a couple of times. I figured she'd start licking it immediately, but she either didn't like it or didn't know it was there.... :( She just laid down on the carpet. :( Patty brought out a big soft doggy bed for Sydney to lay on, and Sydney fell right asleep. Poor baby didn't want her smoothie, and I think the heat wore her out. :(

After staying at Femmes and Fidos for a while and letting Sydney enjoy her nap, we went over to Care A Lot cause I had to pick up food for the two youngins. I put Sydney in their shopping carts, and man she did not like that. My feisty independent girl wanted out.

However, she loved our Chic Fil A lunch/dinner on Saturday and she really, really loved our steak dinner on Sunday, so that's good. :) I'm going to give her steak (ok, steak strips that you can buy at the store) every day this week.

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by the love and support from everypup and their families. Thank you for the rosettes and stars and the wonderful wishes that come with them. I read them all to S ydney as I cuddled with her on my lap - well, except she's not very cuddly or a lap dog, hee hee. I told Sydney she has friends everywhere.

I didn't mean to make anyone sad. :( I just wanted to share everything because I knew you would all understand.

I'm taking Sydney on some short dog-related errands with me today. One of them is to the first Yappy Hour at a local pet boutique (where I got Shakey's bday treats!). They're having doggy smoothies and what not, and even tho Sydney can't walk well, I can carry her and she can still munch treats. :) I wish I could just rent a doggy stroller for a day cause they're kinda pricey. (Thanks for the idea Roxy!) Then we're going to have chic fil a for lunch and she's going to eat as much as she wants. Tomorrow, steak for dinner!

I'll write more later, like when Sydney is napping and not feeling cuddly, heh.

I feel like I've hit the "acceptance" stage of my grief for Sydney, so I feel sort of ok sharing this now.

In this diary, you can follow most of the trials and tribulations of my spunky Sydney girl since the day I brought her home. :) I *think* I babble about her several major health problems.... The latest 'minor' problems that have come from those... her inability to stand up easily from sitting or laying down, her inability to get up if she falls on her left side, and about the other weekend when I had to hold her up so she could strain and properly do her, well, doo doo. I think that's when it all sort of hit me and the emotions went a bit crazier and I had my first "real" realization. Then I spent like an hour talking to a friend about Sydney and my anxiety and confusion and love for her, and when I said "I wouldn't want to live that way," it also all kinda came to a big realization.

So as recommended by a pup on dogster, I made a list of her five favorite things to see if she can still do them, and it just added to the conflict:
Going for walks - she can't do this anymore :(
Sleeping - she can do this but has trouble getting up. She can't sleep on the dog beds anymore because if and when she falls off, she can't get back up. :(
Treats - still gobbling the treats
Car rides - since this requires sitting, she can still do this, but yesterday I tried putting her in my lap and propping her up so she could stick her head out of the window, and she couldn't do that. :(
Laying in the sun - since this also doesn't require walking, she can still do it, but she also gets too hot and I have to watch out for that because of her heart problems. She also has trouble getting up.

My friend also said it seemed telling that Sydney doesn't come to the door to greet me, which is mainly because it's so difficult for Sydney to get up and/or walk far. I go to her to say hi. I also thought it seemed telling that Sydney doesn't wag her tail when I first greet her. I'm also worried that if I board Sydney during my two week vacation at the end of this month, that something will happen to her then and I don't want something happening if I'm not there.

Sydney's still eating and drinking water, and she's a strong girl. :) But I just kept thinking of the sad things above. So...

I had an appointment with Sydney's vet yesterday about Sydney's quality of life. It really helped to have that objective opinion (and it's also helped to have all of your opinions and experience as well!). She's been Sydney's vet since her congestive heart failure a little over two years ago. When the vet saw the way Sydney was standing up, kind of leaning, she said it was like she was barely holding herself up, and that she seemed weak.. which can also be because her heart is bad and having trouble pumping blood to all areas. I told her about Sydney's problems getting up, walking, etc. The vet said that Sydney was very likely uncomfortable and probably in pain, although not a bad pain. She said I could let Sydney linger like that, but.... I asked about Sydney still eating, and the vet also said her golden was eating until the day she put him to sleep. She described the process and it didn't seem that bad. So with all that, the vet concluded that it's time for Sydney. :(

It's weird cause I expected to be very sad, and of course I am, but I'm also relieved in a way, like the vet's word took a lot of my confusion and stress away. And of course typing that just made me feel horrible and guilty. But yet I think I'm ok with it being Sydney's time, and I'm trying to focus on the relief that it will bring to her, that she'll be able to walk ok again.

I haven't made a final appointment yet; I need to check with my mom to see when she's available because I need her there with me. It's weird too cause I know what I want to do, like I want Sydney's vet to do it, I would like to do it on a Friday so I can 'recover' that weekend instead of being a mess at work, I would like her cremated (not the vet, ha), and I think I might scatter her ashes at the dog park, which is where she loved to go.

Oh my dog, that all sounds so harsh.. but realistic.. but sad.. Oh you guys I feel so bad about being relieved and I'm sad and ok at the same time....